Katharine Panzella
Forum Replies Created
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Kathy’s Character Profiles
Title: CHASING CULTURES
Logline: As a dangerous hurricane tracks northward, a rookie NYC detective uncovers a plot to blow up the UN building, financed by stolen antique art sales.
What I learned doing this assignment is I can add more suspense and intrigue by elevating characters.
1. Character Name: Susan
Role: rookie NYC detective
Core Character Traits: determined/stubborn, meticulous, proud, outgoing
Character Subtext Logline: Susan led a closeted life until she was promoted to detective. After the promotion, she decided to come out to the world, marry, and have children.
Her mission: To be a competent professional.
Want: To be respected by her peers.
Need: To be loved as a wife and mother.
Change: I changed Susan’s sex! Decided male detectives were too common. A female detective who is gay and has a wife with kids is unusual. And one who puts her life on the line every day is very unusual.
how it improved the character: made her spunky.
what it might do for your story: get rid of stereotypes of male leadership in the police force, make audiences root for her.
2. Character Name:
Role: The mayor of NYC/hidden villain.
Core Character Traits: mysogenistic ( contempt for women), con man, lies all the time, selfish
Character Subtext Logline: After he discovers that the director of Christies is taking money to change the provenance of paintings, he decides to extort her and get a commission from each sale.
His mission: He wants to amass a war chest for his run for President
Want: He wants money from the director of Christie’s auctions.
Need: To be the President, the most powerful man in the world
Change: I made him more conniving, grasping for money and power any way he can, a constant lier.
how it improved the character: the higher the office, the more conniving he becomes
what it might do for your story: made him a stronger villain
3. Character Name: Jane
Role: Susan’s wife
Core Character Traits: dedicated, loving, positive, resourceful
Character Subtext Logline: Jane is a positive role model, a suburban mother and wife, who spends her days caring for their children.
Her mission: to care for her wife and kids
Want: to be a positive role model
Need: to be loved
Change: I made her braver, talks back to her kidnappers in front of the kids and helps Susan in the warehouse fight.
how it improved the character: Shows her resourcefulness, versatility
what it might do for your story: shows that she is an ally of Susan at work and in the home.
4. Character Name: Marie Gilbert
Role: director of Christies auction house
Core Character Traits: secretive (doesn’t tell Susan about the mayor), caring, desperate, (for money for her mother),
Character Subtext Logline: The director takes money to conceal the provenance of paintings so they can be sold in the auctions but she is forced to give the mayor half of her commission. Since he knows she is taking the money illegally, he can and does blackmail her.
Her mission: To run an auction house, have accurate documentation ( provenance) for the buyers.
Want: To take care of her mother
Need: Needs money for the nursing home.
Change: She secretly tapes the mayor. Since he is blackmailing her, she will have evidence to ruin his political career.
how it improved the character: Made her an equal to the Mayor
what it might do for your story: adds more intrigue.
5. Character Name: Cyrus
Role: head terrorist
Core Character Traits: ruthless, secretive, fanatical, driven
Character Subtext Logline: Cyrus is the master-mind of the operation to take over the UN. He wants the countries to vote to form an Islamic state so plans to take hostages and kill them one by one until they agree. He will finance the guns by selling stolen art.
His mission: To convert the world to Islam
Want: He is a religious fanatic, wants glory after he dies
Need: He needs co-operation from others to sell the stolen art, get the money, buy the guns.
Change: plans to take hostages and kill them one by one until they agree. He will die if necessary to accomplish his goals.
how it improved the character: made him more ruthless
what it might do for your story: increase the stakes, raise the tension
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CHASING CULTURES REWRITE Assignment 3 Elevate The Beats Of Your Story
What I’ve learned is that I can add more action scenes that put my main character in increasing danger to increase the suspense.
Title: CHASING CULTURES
Logline: As a dangerous hurricane tracks northward, a rookie NYC detective uncovers a plot to blow up the UN building, financed by stolen antique art sales.
New Beat Sheet with improvements and types in parentheses:
a = action, v = violence, m = main character
1. Iraq war, fighting in the streets. Thieves break into the National Museum in Bagdad and steal an ancient clay tablet with the story of Gilgamesh incised on it.(A,V, danger, fight)
2. In Manhattan, the TV news shows a storm forming in the Caribbean, (V,danger)
3. INCITING INCIDENT: Susan overhears man talking about a stolen tablet in a Christie’s auction (M, danger)
4. Her boss tells her to ignore it, no proof of any crime (M,competition) (He threatens to demote her???)
5. Storm now a tropical depression (V,danger)
6. Argues with director at Christies. (M,V,interrogation)
7. Depression now a tropical storm. (V,danger)
8. Tells chief of police about the plot and chief (dismisses her), says go be a real reporter. (M,competition)
9. Small craft warnings issued for Caribbean. (V,danger)
10. Thieves steal a valuable painting from a La Guardia cargo bin. (V,escape/evade)
11. FIRST TURNING POINT: Susan’s assigned the case. Follows the trail, traces fingerprints, finds one off the thieves. Interrogates him, has to let him go. Not enough proof since he is an airline employee. (M,interrogation)
12. MIDPOINT: Thief tells the mob boss about Susan. They sideswipe her on a highway but she’s not hurt. (V,danger)
13. Another subplot:
14. The mayor of NYC is a hidden villain. At an auction, the mayor meets the director of Christies. He tells her that they should speak in private. After shutting the door to a conference room, he grabs her ass and kisses her. She slaps him. (V,violence) He says, you’ll regret that, as she hurries out. The next day, the mayor tells his aide to research her finances. A week later, he puts a report on the mayor’s desk. There are suspicious deposits in her bank account from an art gallery. She has been taking bribes and using the money to pay her mother’s nursing home bills. (intrigue) The mayor tells her that he wants part of the money. (competition) She unhappily agrees.
15. Gale force winds lash Puerto Rico. The storm takes a northward turn. Reporters hound the mayor for ignoring the hurricane. It <s>will</s> (could) hit the city and the city is not prepared.(V,danger)
16. The terrorists decide to kidnap Susan’s wife, Jane. (danger)
17. They watch the house until she drives up with the kids in the back seat. She opens the garage door, drives in and, as the garage door is closing, the thieves stop it. (surprise)
18. They muscle Jane and the kids into the house. The kids are locked in an upstairs bedroom. The man slaps her (shock), then gets out a knife. He drags the point across her neck as she sobs. (interrogation) Then he stops and starts to climb the steps. She yells for him to stop, to not hurt the kids. He walks back. Jane tells (confesses to) the men that Susan overheard the rug store owner’s conversation and the antique panel at the auction was stolen from a museum in Iraq.
19. The man writes a ransom note and leaves it on the kitchen table for Susan. They bind Jane’s hands and push her into their car and drive off. (surprise, extortion)
20. The storm is off Andros and heading north. Will hit NYC in (4) days. (danger)
21. SECOND TURNING POINT: Susan finds the note, has it checked for prints, ID’s the print, finds the mob boss owns a warehouse, takes a squad there. Gun fight with the thieves. (shootout) Mob boss holds Jane, threatens to shoot her. Susan puts down her M16 as asked but has a handgun hidden behind it. (twist) Shoots the mob boss who dies, Jane runs into Susan’s arms. Finds stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques. (reveal) Finds invoices with the rug store letterhead. Finds a note that mentions a bomb.
22. Interrogates store owner. He says nothing, wants his lawyer. (M)
23. Susan goes back to Christies, tells director that the painting was recovered, can go in the auction. (M) And there were stolen antiques in the warehouse, destined for the auction. (M) Still no proof the tablet was stolen. The director almost tells her about the mayor but stops.
24. The storm hits Jacksonville. (V, danger)
25. Susan looks at bank records from the rug store, finds a withdrawal to a Pakistani company, also purchases from sports stores and pawn shops. (M,reveal)
26. She goes to the stores, finds semi-automatic gun purchases.(M, reveal)
27. Storm off (Delaware and heading straight at NYC. The mayor is hounded by reporters asking about evacuations). (V, danger)
28. Susan calls the FBI, who tell her there are links to Pakistani terrorists at the rug company. (M, V, danger)
29. CRISIS: Susan interrogates the store owner, beats him up. (violence, torture) Finds guns and ammunition stored in carpet rolls. (M, reveal) Finds photos of the UN building. (M, reveal) Finds phone numbers and lists of men’s names. All have Middle Eastern names. (M, reveal)
30. Sends officers to their houses but all are gone. (M, evade)
31. ( The mayor announces a state of emergency, orders residents to stay inside. The storm is approaching the city.)
32. CLIMAX: Susan realizes an attack could be in motion so she heads to the UN. (M)
33. Hurricane winds pummel the streets.
34. She runs to the stairs and hurries down two flights to the parking garage.
35. The police vans leave the parking garage.
36. The vans are buffered by pelting rain and high winds. Debris flies into the sides of the vans. Skyscraper windows shatter and glass shards fall onto the street. The van swerves, then a tree falls behind it, narrowly missing the van.
37. They duck as they cross the plaza, running towards the main doors to the General Assembly Building.
38. Flying debris hits one man and he is knocked unconscious. Another officer drags him to shelter.
39. The officers pass through entry doors in the tall glass wall.
40. Beyond the lobby to the right is the small Meditation Room. ( A TV is on. The reporter, out in the storm trying to stand upright, says that hurricane winds have reached the city.)
41. Susan’s men spread out. Some enter the meditation room. Some follow Susan up the ramp to the second floor.
42. At the top of the stairs, Susan finds wounded and dead UN guards. She kneels next to one man.
43. BAM, BAM. Shots can be heard from behind the Hall doors.
44. Officers come out of the empty Meditation room, go up in each elevator, and search the floors as they surround the Hall.
45. PING, PING. Shots come from terrorists on the 3rd and 4th floors.
46. Susan leads a team up to the 4rd floor balcony.
47. They breach the doors, CRASH, then throw grenades inside, then duck.
48. BOOM, BOOM. The grenades go off, killing four terrorists. One lives but is wounded. Susan grabs him, shoves her gun into his neck.
49. She head butts him with her gun and he falls back, unconscious.
50. Susan rises, looks down upon the Hall.
51. PING, PING. Shots fly near her. They come from the 3rd floor balcony.
52. Susan ducks and sprints back to the doors, motioning for the men to follow.
53. Susan and the team speed down to the 3rd floor balcony. PING, PING.
54. They hear gunshots through the doors.
55. They kick the doors open, guns firing. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM.
56. Six terrorists lie dead on the balcony floor.
57. Susan approaches the ledge, crouching, then peers over it.
58. A dozen terrorists with guns surround one hundred cowering hostages in the middle of the Hall.
59. Susan discusses the situation. ( mentions the semi-automatics pointed at the hostages, asks for suggestions. Team member 3 says use smoke bombs.)
60. Susan points at him, Team member 3. Get smoke bombs asap.
61. The man rushes down the stairs, past the swinging pendulum, and out the entry doors.
62. He runs toward the police vans, ducking flying debris, opens the doors to one van, and climbs in.
63. Seconds later, he hurries out of the van carrying a backpack. A dozen steps into his run for the doors, he gets hit by flying debris, goes down.
64. Susan watches in horror as he falls in the middle of the plaza.
65. She points at Team Member 2. Get him in and bring those smoke bombs to me.
66. He dashes down the stairs and runs outside.
67. He drags the wounded officer to safety.
68. Susan runs down the stairs to the second floor, her team close behind her.
69. Team Member 2 gives the backpack to Susan who opens it and passes out smoke bombs to five officers.
70. Susan points to two officers. Take the fourth floor.
71. They rush up the stairs.
72. She points to two more officers. Take the third floor.
73. They rush up the stairs.
74. Susan points to Team Member 2. Follow me.
75. She opens the backpack and takes out tubing and two (larger) canisters. She connects tubing to each smoke bomb then hands one to the officer. They push the ends of the tubing under the Hall doors.
76. The 4 officers throw the smoke bombs towards the terrorists in the center of the Hall.
77. Susan turns on the gas and it flows through the tubing.
78. The terrorists are surprised as smoke fills the room. They panic and shoot at the doors. PING, PING, PING.
79. Susan and Team Member 2 rush away from the doors as bullets come flying through. They each stand on either side of the doors.
80. (Suddenly, a window blows out. Susan and team member 2 are showered with glass. Susan’s right hand is cut so she drops her gun. The team member wraps it with gauze and she picks up her gun again. )
81. In the Hall, a fight has broken out as the hostages fight with the terrorists.
82. One terrorist shoots a hostage who falls to the floor.
83. The fighting stops as everyone is engulfed in smoke. Many cough. Some fall to the ground.
84. Two terrorists grab hostages. One yells at the other terrorists.
85. He pushes his hostage with his gun barrel and goes through back doors at the end of the Hall. Six other terrorists grab hostages and follow their leader.
86. The smaller room is used as a reception suite and for conferences. The terrorists lock the door and point their guns at the hostages.
87. Susan and her officers storm into the main hall and shoot a dozen terrorists. PING, PING, PING, PING. ( The terrorists shoot back. In the gunfight, Susan is shot in the arm. An officer ties a cloth around her bicep. )
88. Several men try to escape but are captured.
89. One hostage points to the back door. They took people in there.
90. Susan nods. She turns to Team Member 1. Bring me sleeping gas and tubing.
91. The man rushes out, struggles through the high winds to the police van, and brings back four canisters.
92. Susan pipes the gas into the Reception suite.
93. Everyone in the room falls asleep.
94. Susan and her men run into the Reception Suite and handcuff the terrorists.
95. The hostages are free. (They clap and hug each other.)
96. Susan looks at her officers. But where is the bomb? (She orders a search of the building and her officers spread out, searching each floor.)
97. (She interrogates a terrorist, who says nothing. Susan aims her gun at him, he still won’t talk. She shoots his thigh. He screams in pain. She aims at his other thigh and he then says he doesn’t know, that he wasn’t one of the group that hid it. Susan has him taken away. She yells to an officer that she will be in the basement and runs down the stairs.)
98. (After a frantic search, Susan finds the bomb in a basement storage closet. The display reads 4 minutes. She radios for the bomb squad and gives the location.)
99. RESOLUTION: (The bomb is neutralized by the bomb squad with only ten seconds showing on the display. Susan is stitched up at a hospital. The hurricane is now offshore and the sun comes out. ) Papers found in the terrorists homes showing bribes paid to art dealers and to the director of Christies. (M, reveal)
100. Susan interviews (M, interrogation) the director who confesses, (tells Susan about the mayor), and asks for clemency.
101. Susan interviews (M, interrogation) the mayor who doesn’t confess.
102. The mayor is arrested.(M)
103. The director is given probation. (M)
104. The tablet goes back to the museum in Iraq. (M)
105. (Susan is given a promotion and commendation for bravery by the Chief.)
106. Susan (with a bandage on her arm) and her wife attend the Christie’s auction. (M)
107. They clink flutes with the director.
THE END.
Appreciate comments.
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Here’s my logline and one page for the new script that I will rewrite.
CHASING CULTURES, an action screenplay
Logline: As a dangerous hurricane tracks northward, a rookie NYC detective uncovers a plot to blow up the UN building, financed by stolen antique art sales.
During the Iraq war, there is fighting in the streets. Thieves break into the National Museum in Bagdad and steal an ancient clay tablet with the story of Gilgamesh incised on it. In Manhattan, a TV news shows a storm forming in the Caribbean. NYC rookie Detective Susan overhears a man talking about a stolen tablet in a Christie’s auction. Her boss tells her to ignore the conversation since there is no proof of any crime. The storm grows into a tropical storm. Thieves steal a valuable painting from a La Guardia cargo bin and Susan’s assigned the case. She follows the trail, traces fingerprints, finds one off the thieves. Interrogates him, has to let him go. He tells the mob boss about Susan. They sideswipe her on a highway but she’s not hurt.
A subplot: The mayor of NYC is a hidden villain. At an auction, the mayor meets the director of Christies. He tells her that they should speak in private. After shutting the door to a conference room, he grabs her ass and kisses her. She slaps him. He says, you’ll regret that, as she hurries out. The next day, the mayor tells his aide to research her finances. A week later, he puts a report on the mayor’s desk. There are suspicious deposits in her bank account from an art gallery. She has been taking bribes and using the money to pay her mother’s nursing home bills. The mayor tells her that he wants part of the money. She unhappily agrees.
The storm takes a northward turn. The terrorists decide to kidnap Jane, Susan’s wife, who tells them that Susan overheard the rug store owner’s conversation and the antique panel at the auction was stolen from a museum in Iraq. They leave a ransom note for Susan and kidnap Jane. The storm will hit NYC in 6 days. Susan finds the note, finds the mob boss owns a warehouse, takes a squad there. Gun fight with the thieves. Susan shoots the mob boss who dies. She finds the stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques and invoices with the rug store letterhead. Susan interrogates the store owner who says nothing.
Susan goes back to Christies, tells the director that the painting from LGA Cargo was recovered, can go in the auction. And there were stolen antiques in the warehouse, destined for the auction. Still no proof the tablet was stolen. She almost tells him about the mayor but stops.
Susan looks at bank records from the rug store, finds purchases from sports stores. She goes to the stores, finds semi-automatic gun purchases. Storm off Outer Banks. She calls the FBI, who tell her there are links to Pakistani terrorists at the rug company. She interrogates the rug store owner, beats him up. Finds guns stored in carpet rolls. Finds photos of the UN building. Finds phone numbers and lists of men’s names. All have Middle Eastern names.
Susan realizes an attack could be in motion so she heads to the UN. Hurricane winds pummel the streets. Susan and her men can barely stand upright. They follow Susan up the ramp to the second floor. At the top of the stairs, Susan finds wounded and dead UN guards. Shots can be heard from behind the Hall doors and from the 3rd and 4th floors. Susan leads a team up to the 4rd floor balcony. They throw grenades inside that kill four terrorists. One lives but is wounded. Susan grabs him hits him with her gun and he falls back unconscious.
Susan and the team speed down to the 3rd floor balcony. They kick the doors open, guns firing. Six terrorists lie dead on the balcony floor. A dozen terrorists aim their guns and surround one hundred cowering hostages in the middle of the Hall. Team Member 2 gives a backpack to Susan who opens it and passes out smoke bombs to five officers. The two officers throw the smoke bombs towards the terrorists in the center of the Hall. Susan turns on the gas and it flows through the tubing. The terrorists are surprised as smoke fills the room. They panic and shoot at the doors. Susan and Team Member 2 rush away from the doors as bullets come flying through. They each stand on either side of the doors.
In the Hall, a fight has broken out as the hostages fight with the terrorists. One terrorist shoots a hostage who falls to the floor. The fighting stops as everyone is engulfed in smoke. Two terrorists grab hostages. The leader pushes his hostage with his gun barrel and goes through back doors at the end of the Hall. Six other terrorists grab hostages and follow their leader. The smaller room is used as a reception suite and for conferences. The terrorists lock the door and point their guns at the hostages. Susan and her officers storm into the main hall and shoot a dozen terrorists. Several men try to escape but are captured. Susan pipes gas into the Reception suite. Everyone in the room falls asleep. Susan and her men run into the Reception Suite and handcuff the terrorists.
Papers found in the terrorists homes showing bribes paid to art dealers and to the director of Christies. Susan interviews the director who confesses and asks for clemency. Susan interviews the mayor who doesn’t. The mayor is arrested. The director is given probation. The tablet goes back to the museum in Iraq. Susan and her wife attend the Christie’s auction. They clink flutes with the director.
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Kathy’s Basic Structure Version 1
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is I can use the basic structure formula on any script.
I decided to use a different script, will put the one page on the assignment one page too.
ASSIGNMENT 1
Title: CHASING CULTURES
Logline: As a dangerous hurricane tracks northward, a rookie NYC detective uncovers a plot to blow up the UN building, financed by stolen antique art sales.
Main Conflict:
1. Opening:
The same as the inciting incident<div>2. Inciting
Incident: Detective Susan overhears man talking about a stolen tablet in a
Christie’s auction.3. By
page 10, you know what the movie is about: Who stole the antique art and
why?4. First
turning point at end of Act 1: Susan’s assigned the case. Follows the
trail, traces fingerprints, finds one off the thieves. Interrogates him,
has to let him go. Not enough proof since he is an airline employee. (turning point one, a major twist,
everything has changed in some major way and the major conflict has been
set into motion.)5. Mid-Point:
Thief tells the mob boss about Susan. They sideswipe her on a highway but she’s
not hurt. (midpoint: A
major revelation. A twist has occurred that opens the eyes of the protagonist.)6. Second
turning point at end of Act 2: Gun fight with the thieves. Man holds her
wife, threatens to shoot her. Susan puts down her M16 as asked but has a
handgun hidden behind it. Hit man dies, wife runs into Susan’s arms. Finds
stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques. Finds invoices with the
rug store letterhead. Finds a note that mentions a bomb. (turning point 2: Major
setback, looks like all hope is lost. At this point, the protagonist has
to change to achieve his or her goal. They have to accept that their way of
doing things just won’t work anymore.)7. Crisis: Susan interrogates the store owner, beats him up. Finds guns and ammunition stored in carpet rolls. Finds photos of the UN building. Finds phone numbers and lists of men’s names. All have Middle Eastern names. ( Crisis means decision or dilemma, the do-or-die moment, that last chance where the protagonist must gather all their strength, ingenuity, resourcefulness, and courage. This scene is the point where the Protagonist has to decide the issue that began at the Inciting Incident.)
8. Climax: Susan realizes an attack could be in motion so she heads to the UN. Hurricane winds pummel the streets.(start of the CLIMAX , the biggest conflict. The protagonist and antagonist come face to face for the showdown.) A dozen terrorists with guns surround one hundred cowering hostages in the middle of the Hall. A long fight scene ends with terrorists in handcuffs, the hostages are free, and the bomb, discovered after a frantic search of the building, was in a basement storage closet.
9. Resolution: The bomb is neutralized. Papers found in the terrorists homes showing bribes paid to art dealers and to the director of Christies. Susan interviews the director who confesses and asks for clemency. Susan interviews the mayor who doesn’t. The mayor is arrested. The director is given probation. The tablet goes back to the museum in Iraq. Susan and her wife attend the Christie’s auction. They clink flutes with the director. (The resolution gives us an answer to the question that the Inciting Incident asked. It tells us how this conflict will finally be resolved.)
Look back over the 9 elements and select at least one to elevate. Separating that one item out, list the main purpose of that item in the story and brainstorm a list of other possible ways to deliver that structural item.
A. Does it fit the purpose/meaning that is important to me?
B. Is it a significant departure from the cliché scene?
C. Does it accomplish the purpose in a fresh and surprising way that
will entertain audiences?Ideas: I had a male detective overhearing a conversation about stolen art. Changed it to a female detective. Researched stolen art, read about an actual theft of an ancient clay tablet with the story of Gilgamesh incised on it so decided to use it.
Make a second list of the Main Conflict and Structural items with the improvements you’ve made. Again, it will contain the following:
Main Conflict:
1. Opening:
Iraq war, fighting in the streets. Thieves break into the National Museum
in Bagdad and steal an ancient clay tablet with the story of Gilgamesh
incised on it. </div><div>2. Inciting
Incident: Detective Susan overhears man talking about a stolen tablet in a
Christie’s auction.3. By
page 10, you know what the movie is about: Who stole the antique art and
why?4. First
turning point at end of Act 1: Susan’s assigned the case. Follows the
trail, traces fingerprints, finds one off the thieves. Interrogates him,
has to let him go. Not enough proof since he is an airline employee. (turning point one, a major twist,
everything has changed in some major way and the major conflict has been
set into motion.)5. Mid-Point:
Thief tells the mob boss about Susan. They sideswipe her on a highway but she’s
not hurt. (midpoint: A
major revelation. A twist has occurred that opens the eyes of the protagonist.)6. Second
turning point at end of Act 2: Gun fight with the thieves. Man holds her
wife, threatens to shoot her. Susan puts down her M16 as asked but has a
handgun hidden behind it. Hit man dies, wife runs into Susan’s arms. Finds
stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques. Finds invoices with the
rug store letterhead. Finds a note that mentions a bomb. (turning point 2: Major
setback, looks like all hope is lost. At this point, the protagonist has
to change to achieve his or her goal. They have to accept that their way of
doing things just won’t work anymore.)7. Crisis: Susan interrogates the store owner, beats him up. Finds guns and ammunition stored in carpet rolls. Finds photos of the UN building. Finds phone numbers and lists of men’s names. All have Middle Eastern names. ( Crisis means decision or dilemma, the do-or-die moment, that last chance where the protagonist must gather all their strength, ingenuity, resourcefulness, and courage. This scene is the point where the Protagonist has to decide the issue that began at the Inciting Incident.)
8. Climax: Susan realizes an attack could be in motion so she heads to the UN. Hurricane winds pummel the streets.(start of the CLIMAX , the biggest conflict. The protagonist and antagonist come face to face for the showdown.) A dozen terrorists with guns surround one hundred cowering hostages in the middle of the Hall. A long fight scene ends with terrorists in handcuffs, the hostages are free, and the bomb, discovered after a frantic search of the building, was in a basement storage closet.
9. Resolution: The bomb is neutralized. Papers found in the terrorists homes showing bribes paid to art dealers and to the director of Christies. Susan interviews the director who confesses and asks for clemency. Susan interviews the mayor who doesn’t. The mayor is arrested. The director is given probation. The tablet goes back to the museum in Iraq. Susan and her wife attend the Christie’s auction. They clink flutes with the director. (The resolution gives us an answer to the question that the Inciting Incident asked. It tells us how this conflict will finally be resolved.)
</div>
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Kathy’s Logline and One Page! What I’ve learned doing this assignment is not much yet!
PASSPORT TO PERIL, a woman-in-jeopardy thriller set in Georgia
Logline: A naive newlywed must fight to save her house and her life after she discovers that her husband is a dangerous conman.
Summary: Simone, an office manager in her 30’s who longs to travel to Paris, waits for Ben, a balding forty-year old executive from Savannah. He wines and dines her whenever he’s in town. A few months later, Simone accepts his proposal and soon is a newly married woman, in love, but alone due to Ben’s many business trips. He becomes more distant and cold.
At a holiday dinner, Emily, Ben`s cousin, reveals that Ben had two wives which Simone didn’t know. At a convention, Ben plays tennis with his lover Marcie, hiding her from Simone. Marcie hits Simone with a tennis racquet, giving her a concussion, but Simone remembers nothing. Beth, Simone’s friend, wonders if he’s having an affair. Simone decides to go to Savannah to investigate. She walks into Ben’s office, ambushing him. That night, while Simone sleeps, Ben loosens her tire lug nuts. Simone wakes, explores the condo, and finds two of Ben’s CDs. She drives home and her tire flies off, but luckily she isn’t hurt. Back in Atlanta, Beth opens the discs, finding photos of women and their houses. Simone confronts Ben: either therapy or a divorce. Marcie, in disguise, sideswipes Simone, who falls and fractures her elbow. After weeks of therapy, Ben wants Simone to go on a sailing trip and she agrees. Before the trip, Ben secretly loosens her house porch railing. Josh falls but isn’t hurt.
Simone meets Marcie on the sailboat. After Marcie jibes the sail, Simone falls and cuts her knee. She goes below, looks around the cabin, and finds the ship’s logbook. Marcie owns the boat and Ben has been lying. Ben and Marcie leave Simone alone after dinner. After they return, an argument starts. Ben ties up Simone then knocks her out. Ben and Marcie head for the bedroom. Simone wakes up and climbs onto the deck. She frees her hands, locks the hatch and radios the Coast Guard. Ben sees the floodlights, tries the locked door, then shoots at the lock. Simone grabs a fire extinguisher. As the door crashes open, Simone swings the tank and hits Ben who falls backwards into the cabin onto Marcie. Ben and Marcie shoot at Simone and the boat catches on fire. Finally, a Coast Guard boat arrives and an officer handcuffs the pair.
In court, Marcie divulges Ben’s affairs and his plot to take Simone’s house. They are jailed. Simone divorces him and gets on a plane to Paris, sitting next to a handsome Frenchman who asks her to tour the Louvre with him. Her passport sticks out of her bag.
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I’m Katharine (Kathy) Panzella. I’ve taken Hal’s PS 19 class, the Action class, and the Thriller class. I’ve written 2 dozen short scripts and close to a dozen long scripts. In this class, I will work on my thriller, PASSPORT TO PERIL, set in Georgia. I need to elevate the male lead.
Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I’ve invented a shower caddy that holds a cell phone and I have a utility patent on it.
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Katharine Panzella
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Kathy’s Outline Version 1
Title: CHASING CULTURES
Logline: As a dangerous hurricane tracks northward, a rookie NYC detective uncovers a plot to blow up the UN building, financed by stolen antique art sales.
INTRODUCTION: Iraq war, fighting in the streets. Thieves break into the National Museum in Bagdad and steal an ancient clay tablet with the story of Gilgamesh incised on it.(A,V, danger, fight)
In Manhattan, a TV news shows a storm forming in the Caribbean, (V,danger)
INCITING INCIDENT: Detective Susan overhears a man in a Pakistani rug store talking about a stolen tablet in a Christie’s auction (M, danger)
Susan’s Boss tells her to ignore it, no proof of any crime (M,competition)
Storm now a tropical depression (V,danger)
She argues with the director at Christies. (M,V,interrogation)
Depression now a tropical storm. (V,danger)
She tells her chief about the plot and the chief says go be a real reporter. (M,competition)
Small craft warnings issued for Caribbean. (V,danger)
Thieves steal a valuable painting from a La Guardia cargo bin. (V,escape/evade)
FIRST TURNING POINT: Susan’s assigned the case. Follows the trail, traces fingerprints, finds one off the thieves. Interrogates him, but has to let him go. Not enough proof since he is an airline employee. (M,interrogation)
MIDPOINT: Thief tells the mob boss about Susan. They sideswipe her on a highway but she’s not hurt. (V,danger)
Another subplot:
The mayor of NYC is a hidden villain. At an auction, the mayor meets the director of Christies. He tells her that they should speak in private. After shutting the door to a conference room, he grabs her ass and kisses her. She slaps him. (V,violence) He says, you’ll regret that, as she hurries out. The next day, the mayor tells his aide to research her finances. A week later, he puts a report on the mayor’s desk. There are suspicious deposits in her bank account from an art gallery. She has been taking bribes and using the money to pay her mother’s nursing home bills. (intrigue) The mayor tells her that he wants part of the money. (competition) She unhappily agrees.
Gale force winds lash Puerto Rico. The storm takes a northward turn. Reporters hound the mayor for ignoring the hurricane. It will hit the city and the city is not prepared.(V,danger)
The terrorists decide to kidnap Susan’s wife. (danger)
They watch the house until she drives up with the kids in the back seat. She opens the garage door, drives in and, as the garage door is closing, the thieves stop it. (surprise)
They muscle her and the kids into the house. The kids are locked in an upstairs bedroom. The man slaps her (shock), then gets out a knife. He drags the point across her neck as she sobs. Then he stops and starts to climb the steps. She yells for him to stop, to not hurt the kids. He walks back. She tells the men that Susan overheard the rug store owner’s conversation and the antique panel at the auction was stolen from a museum in Iraq.
The man writes a ransom note and leaves it on the kitchen table for Susan. They bind her wife’s hands and push her into their car and drive off. (surprise, extortion)
The storm is off Andros and heading north. Will hit NYC in 6 days. (danger)
SECOND TURNING POINT: Susan finds the note, has it checked for prints, ID’s the print, finds the mob boss owns a warehouse, takes a squad there. Gun fight with the thieves. (shootout) Man holds her wife, threatens to shoot her. Susan puts down her M16 as asked but has a handgun hidden behind it. (twist) She shoots and the man dies, the wife runs into Susan’s arms. Finds stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques. (reveal) Finds invoices with the rug store letterhead. Finds a note that mentions a bomb.
Interrogates store owner. He says nothing, wants his lawyer. (M)
Susan goes back to Christies, tells director that the painting was recovered, can go in the auction. (M) And there were stolen antiques in the warehouse, destined for the auction. (M) Still no proof the tablet was stolen. The director almost tells her about the mayor but stops.
The storm hits Jacksonville. (V, danger)
Susan looks at bank records from the rug store, finds a withdrawal to a Pakistani company, also purchases from sports stores and pawn shops. (M,reveal)
She goes to the stores, finds semi-automatic gun purchases.(M, reveal)
Storm off Outer Banks. (V, danger)
Susan calls the FBI, who tell her there are links to Pakistani terrorists at the rug company. (M, V, danger)
CRISIS: Susan interrogates the store owner, beats him up. (violence, torture) Finds guns and ammunition stored in carpet rolls. (M, reveal) Finds photos of the UN building. (M, reveal) Finds phone numbers and lists of men’s names. All have Middle Eastern names. (M, reveal)
Sends officers to their houses but all are gone. (M, evade)
CLIMAX: Susan realizes an attack could be in motion so she heads to the UN. (M)
The hurricane winds pummel the streets.
She runs to the stairs and hurries down two flights to the parking garage.
The vans leave the parking garage.
The vans are buffered by pelting rain and high winds. Debris flies into the sides of the vans. Skyscraper windows shatter and glass shards fall onto the street. The van swerves, then a tree falls behind it, narrowly missing the van.
They duck as they cross the plaza, running towards the main doors to the General Assembly Building.
Flying debris hits one man and he is knocked unconscious. Another officer drags him to shelter.
The officers pass through entry doors in the tall glass wall.
Beyond the lobby to the right is the small Meditation Room.
Susan’s men spread out. Some enter the meditation room. Some follow Susan up the ramp to the second floor.
At the top of the stairs, Susan finds wounded and dead UN guards. She kneels next to one man.
BAM, BAM. Shots can be heard from behind the Hall doors.
Officers come out of the empty Meditation room, go up in each elevator, and search the floors as they surround the Hall.
PING, PING. Shots come from terrorists on the 3rd and 4th floors.
Susan leads a team up to the 4rd floor balcony.
They breach the doors, CRASH, then throw grenades inside, then duck.
BOOM, BOOM. The grenades go off, killing four terrorists. One lives but is wounded. Susan grabs him, shoves her gun into his neck.
She head butts him with her gun and he falls back, unconscious.
Susan rises, looks down upon the Hall.
PING, PING. Shots fly near her. They come from the 3rd floor balcony.
Susan ducks and sprints back to the doors, motioning for the men to follow.
Susan and the team speed down to the 3rd floor balcony. PING, PING.
They hear gunshots through the doors.
They kick the doors open, guns firing. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM.
Six terrorists lie dead on the balcony floor.
Susan approaches the ledge, crouching, then peers over it.
A dozen terrorists aim their guns and surround one hundred cowering hostages in the middle of the Hall.
Susan discusses the situation.
Susan points at him, Team member 3. Get smoke bombs asap.
The man rushes down the stairs, past the swinging pendulum, and out the entry doors.
He runs toward the police vans, ducking flying debris, opens the doors to one van, and climbs in it.
Twenty seconds later, he hurries out of the van carrying a backpack. A dozen steps into his run for the doors, he gets hit by flying debris, goes down.
Susan watches in horror as he falls in the middle of the plaza.
She points at Team Member 2. Get him in and bring those smoke bombs to me.
He dashes down the stairs and runs outside.
He drags the wounded officer to safety.
Susan runs down the stairs to the second floor, her team close behind her.
Team Member 2 gives the backpack to Susan who opens it and passes out smoke bombs to five officers.
Susan points to two officers. Take the fourth floor.
They rush up the stairs.
She points to two more officers. Take the third floor.
They rush up the stairs.
Susan points to Team Member 2. Follow me.
She opens the backpack and takes out tubing and two canisters. She connects tubing to each smoke bomb then hands one to the officer. They push the ends of the tubing under the Hall doors.
The 4 officers throw the smoke bombs towards the terrorists in the center of the Hall.
Susan turns on the gas and it flows through the tubing.
The terrorists are surprised as smoke fills the room. They panic and shoot at the doors. PING, PING, PING.
Susan and Team Member 2 rush away from the doors as bullets come flying through. They each stand on either side of the doors.
In the Hall, a fight has broken out as the hostages fight with the terrorists.
One terrorist shoots a hostage who falls to the floor.
The fighting stops as everyone is engulfed in smoke. Many cough. Some fall to the ground.
Two terrorists grab hostages. One yells at the other terrorists.
He pushes his hostage with his gun barrel and goes through back doors at the end of the Hall. About six other terrorists grab hostages and follow their leader.
The smaller room is used as a reception suite and for conferences. The terrorists lock the door and point their guns at the hostages.
Susan and her officers storm into the main hall and shoot a dozen terrorists. PING, PING, PING, PING.
Several men try to escape but are captured.
One hostage points to the back door. They took people in there.
Susan nods. She turns to Team Member 1. Bring me sleeping gas and tubing.
The man rushes out, struggles through the high winds to the police van, and brings back four canisters.
Susan pipes the gas into the Reception suite.
Everyone in the room falls asleep.
Susan and her men run into the Reception Suite and handcuff the terrorists.
The hostages are free.
Susan looks at her officers. But where is the bomb?
Bomb discovered after a frantic search of the building, was in a basement storage closet.
RESOLUTION: Papers found in the terrorists homes showing bribes paid to art dealers and to the director of Christies. (M, reveal)
Susan interviews (M, interrogation) the director who confesses and asks for clemency.
Susan interviews (M, interrogation) the mayor who doesn’t.
The mayor is arrested.(M)
The director is given probation. (M)
The tablet goes back to the museum in Iraq. (M)
Susan and his wife attend the Christie’s auction. (M)
They clink flutes with the director.
THE END.
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Kathy’s Fast Formatting!
What I learned doing this assignment is that I can add in a twist after a lot of action.
INT. MANHATTAN CENTRAL ROBBERY DIVISION – DAY
The hurricane winds pummel the streets.
A TV reporter comments:
TV REPORTER
The hurricane has hit New York. The governor has declared a state of emergency. No one should be on the streets. The risk of death is high.
Susan realizes an attack could be in motion.
SUSAN
I need a team ready yesterday.
She runs to the stairs and hurries down two flights to the parking garage.
INT. POLICE PARKING GARAGE – DAY
There are six panel trucks full of SWAT team members in gear.
One man hands a helmet and vest to Susan who puts them on, then gets in the front seat of the lead van.
SUSAN
Move out.
The vans leave the parking garage.
EXT. MANHATTAN STREET – DAY
The vans are buffered by pelting rain and high winds. Debris flies into the sides of the vans. Skyscraper windows shatter and glass shards fall onto the street. The van swerves, then a tree falls behind it, narrowly missing the van.
INT. POLICE VAN – DAY
Susan silently hangs onto a grip above her window, grimacing and checking her gun. A plywood sheet flies past and she instinctively ducks.
SUSAN
Damn.
EXT. EAST 42ND STREET STREET – DAY
The van approaches the UN Plaza complex.
There are 4 buildings: the 39 story rectangular Secretariat tower, the General Assembly building, the Library, and a Conference Area.
The General Assembly Building is a sloping structure with concave sides, 380 feet long and 160 feet wide, topped with a shallow dome. The north end, opening onto a landscaped plaza, is the main public entrance to the Headquarters complex. A Second floor hallway connects the Conference Building with the General Assembly Building.
INT. POLICE VAN – DAY
Susan picks up her radio and keys the mike.
SUSAN
You know what to do.
She drops the mike as the van stops in front of the General Assembly building. Susan and her men open the van doors but can barely stand upright.
EXT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – PLAZA – DAY
They duck as they cross the plaza, running towards the main doors to the General Assembly Building.
Flying debris hits one man and he is knocked unconscious. Another officer drags him to shelter.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – FOYER – DAY
The officers pass through entry doors in the tall glass wall.
Beyond the lobby to the right is the small Meditation Room.
There are 4 interior ledges, each for a floor. Ramps zig zag up to the second floor. There are sets of 2 elevators and stairs in the front and in the back of the hall, on opposite sides of the building.
Susan’s men spread out. Some enter the meditation room. Some follow Susan up the ramp to the second floor.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – HALL FLOOR – DAY
Suspended from the ceiling above the stair landing connecting the lobby with the second-floor ceremonial entrance to the General Assembly Hall is a Foucault Pendulum, a 200-pound gold-plated sphere, 12 inches in diameter, held by a stainless steel wire suspended from the ceiling, 75 feet above the floor of the lobby and over a raised metal ring, six feet in diameter. It swings back and forth as the armed officers pass underneath.
At the top of the stairs, Susan finds wounded and dead UN guards. She kneels next to one man.
SUSAN
Who shot you?
WOUNDED GUARD
They ran through the metal detectors shooting everybody. We shot back but they got us.
SUSAN
Medics are on their way.
WOUNDED GUARD
The delegates are in the Assembly Hall now. Help them.
He falls back, clutching his chest.
BAM, BAM. Shots can be heard from behind the Hall doors.
Officers come out of the empty Meditation room, go up in each elevator, and search the floors as they surround the Hall.
PING, PING. Shots come from terrorists on the 3rd and 4th floors.
Susan leads a team up to the 4rd floor balcony.
They breach the doors, CRASH, then throw grenades inside, then duck.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – 4TH FLOOR BALCONY – DAY
The fourth floor balcony overlooks the Hall, which can seat 1,800. At 165 ft long by 115 ft wide, it is the largest room in the complex. The ceiling is 75 ft high and surmounted by a shallow dome ringed by recessed light fixtures.
At the front of the chamber is the rostrum containing the green marble desk for the President of the General Assembly and matching lectern. Behind the rostrum is the UN emblem on a gold background. Flanking the rostrum is a paneled semi-circular wall that tapers as it nears the ceiling and surrounds the front portion of the chamber. In front of the paneled walls are seating areas for guests and within the wall are windows which allow interpreters to watch the proceedings as they work.
BOOM, BOOM. The grenades go off, killing four terrorists. One lives but is wounded. Susan grabs him, shoves her gun into his neck.
SUSAN
How many of your men are down there?
WOUNDED TERRORIST
Too many.
She head butts him with her gun and he falls back, unconscious.
Susan rises, looks down upon the Hall.
PING, PING. Shots fly near her. They come from the 3rd floor balcony.
Susan ducks and sprints back to the doors, motioning for the men to follow.
Susan and the team speed down to the 3rd floor balcony. PING, PING.
They hear gunshots through the doors.
They kick the doors open, guns firing. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – 3RD FLOOR BALCONY – DAY
Six terrorists lie dead on the balcony floor.
Susan approaches the ledge, crouching, then peers over it.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – MAIN FLOOR – DAY
A dozen terrorists aim their guns and surround one hundred cowering hostages in the middle of the Hall.
Back to Susan who can’t shoot.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – 3RD FLOOR BALCONY – DAY
Susan discusses the situation.
SUSAN
There are a dozen terrorists and about a hundred hostages. Too risky to shoot from here. I need ideas.
TEAM MENBER 1
We get tranquilizer darts.
TEAM MENBER 2
We get the hostage team in here.
TEAM MENBER 3
We smoke em out.
Susan points at him, Team member 3.
SUSAN
BINGO! Get smoke bombs asap.
The man rushes down the stairs, past the swinging pendulum, and out the entry doors.
EXT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – PLAZA – DAY
He runs toward the police vans, ducking flying debris, opens the doors to one van, and climbs in it.
Twenty seconds later, he hurries out of the van carrying a backpack. A dozen steps into his run for the doors, he gets hit by flying debris, goes down.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – 3RD FLOOR BALCONY – DAY
Susan watches in horror as he falls in the middle of the plaza.
She points at Team Member 2.
SUSAN
Get him in and bring those smoke bombs to me.
He dashes down the stairs and runs outside.
EXT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – PLAZA – DAY
He drags the wounded officer to safety.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – 3RD FLOOR BALCONY – DAY
Susan runs down the stairs to the second floor, her team close behind her.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – HALL FLOOR – DAY
Team Member 2 gives the backpack to Susan who opens it and passes out smoke bombs to five officers.
Susan points to two officers.
SUSAN
Take the fourth floor.
They rush up the stairs.
She points to two more officers.
SUSAN
Take the third floor.
They rush up the stairs.
Susan points to Team Member 2.
SUSAN
Follow me.
She opens the backpack and takes out tubing and two canisters. She connects tubing to each smoke bomb then hands one to the officer. They push the ends of the tubing under the Hall doors.
Susan talks on the radio:
SUSAN
On my mark. One, two, three. Go.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – 3RD FLOOR BALCONY – DAY
The two officers throw the smoke bombs towards the terrorists in the center of the Hall.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – 4TH FLOOR BALCONY – DAY
The two officers throw the smoke bombs towards the terrorists in the center of the Hall.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – HALL FLOOR – DAY
Susan turns on the gas and it flows through the tubing.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – ASSEMBLY HALL – DAY
The terrorists are surprised as smoke fills the room. They panic and shoot at the doors. PING, PING, PING.
INTERCUT ASSEMBLY HALL and HALL FLOOR.
Susan and Team Member 2 rush away from the doors as bullets come flying through. They each stand on either side of the doors.
In the Hall, a fight has broken out as the hostages fight with the terrorists.
One terrorist shoots a hostage who falls to the floor.
The fighting stops as everyone is engulfed in smoke. Many cough. Some fall to the ground.
Two terrorists grab hostages. One yells at the other terrorists.
TERRORIST LEADER
Grab them and follow me.
He pushes his hostage with his gun barrel and goes through back doors at the end of the Hall. About six other terrorists grab hostages and follow their leader.
INT. GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUILDING – GA 200 RECEPTION SUITE – DAY
The smaller room is used as a reception suite and for conferences. The terrorists lock the door and point their guns at the hostages.
TERRORIST LEADER
If you move, you will die.
Susan and her officers storm into the main hall and shoot a dozen terrorists. PING, PING, PING, PING.
Several men try to escape but are captured.
One hostage points to the back door.
FREED HOSTAGE
They took people in there.
Susan nods. She turns to Team Member 1.
SUSAN
Bring me sleeping gas and tubing.
The man rushes out, struggles through the high winds to the police van, and brings back four canisters.
Susan pipes the gas into the Reception suite.
Everyone in the room falls asleep.
Susan and her men run into the Reception Suite and handcuff the terrorists.
The hostages are free.
Susan looks at her officers.
SUSAN
But where is the bomb?
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Kathy’s Great Action Set Piece!
What I learned doing this assignment is I can do this!
After a NYC detective overhears a plot to sell stolen antiques, she discovers a larger conspiracy to blow up the UN building just as a major hurricane hits the city.
ASSIGNMENT:
Take an Action Set Piece from your outline and use the steps above to turn it into an amazing experience for the reader and audience.
PRE-ACTION/SET UP: Thieves steal a valuable painting from a La Guardia cargo bin. (escape/evade)
Danny’s assigned the case. Danny is determined to find them. (meaning)
Follows the trail, traces fingerprints ( forensic work that he learned as a teenager), finds one off the thieves. Interrogates him, has to let him go. Not enough proof since he is an airline employee. (interrogation)
(MIDPOINT:) Thief tells the mob boss about Danny. They sideswipe him on a highway but he’s not hurt. (danger then relief)
The terrorists decide to kidnap Danny’s wife. (danger)
ACTION: They watch the house until she drives up with the kids in the back seat. She opens the garage door, drives in and, as the garage door is closing, the thieves stop it. (surprise)
They muscle her and the kids into the house. The kids are locked in an upstairs bedroom.(suspense) The man slaps her (shock), then gets out a knife. He drags the point across her neck as she sobs. (danger, fear) Then he stops and starts to climb the steps. (danger, suspense) She yells for him to stop, to not hurt the kids. He walks back. (relief) She tells the men that Danny overheard the rug store owner’s conversation and the antique panel at the auction was stolen from a museum in Iraq. (reveal)
The man writes a ransom note and leaves it on the kitchen table for Danny. (suspense) They bind her hands and push her into their car and drive off. (surprise, extortion)
The storm is off Norfolk and heading north. Will hit NYC in 2 days. (danger)
(SECOND TURNING POINT:) Danny arrives home, sees the open garage door, gets out of his car, runs in the house, past the ransom note, goes into the hall, hears the kids yelling upstairs, opens the bedroom door, cuts the duct tape binding their hands, frees them (relief), goes back downstairs, quizzes the kids, writes down their descriptions of the men, finds the note ( test of relationship), has it checked for prints (forensics), ID’s the print (reveal), finds the mob boss ( who fits the kid’s description) owns a warehouse, takes a squad there (action).
Gun fight with the thieves. (shootout, excitement, adrenaline)
Man holds his wife, threatens to shoot her. (danger) Danny puts down his M16 as asked but has a handgun hidden behind it. (surprise, twist) Shoots the man who dies, saves his wife who runs into his arms. (relief)
POST-ACTION: Finds stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques, finds invoices with the rug store letterhead. (reveals something new)
Interrogates rug store owner. He says nothing, wants
his lawyer. (interrogation, suspense) -
Kathy’s Unique Action!
What I learned doing this assignment is I can elevate the stakes by making the terrorists have a dirty bomb.
ASSIGNMENT:
Pick at least one action scene that you want to make more unique. Then use this process to generate ideas.
1. Looking at your entire story, what is unique about each of these places:
1. Environment: NYC
2. Rules: The police have rules. The terrorists don’t.
3. Villain: Pakistani terrorists steal antique art, buy weapons.
4. Mission: They want the UN delegates to renounce their countries and instead pledge their loyalty to a global caliphate. Will blow up the building if they don’t do this.
5. Struggle: How can Danny stop them?
6. Unique Skillset: Danny knows forensics, was taught by his dad, had a lab in the house.
7. Meaning: ordinary people can be heroes.
8. Allies: Danny has officers to help him.
9. Weapon: Police have guns but also sleeping gas and smoke bombs.
2. Brainstorm ways to make one or more of those places unique:
A. What if…? UN Building held hostage.
B. Take to an extreme. Terrorists threaten to blow up the General Assembly building. Take delegates as hostages.
C. Specific to character or environment. Hurricane hits NYC.
Tell us about the improvements that you have made:
D. Shocking or Surprising. They have a dirty bomb.
E. Go opposite. The hostages attack the terrorists. One is shot.
F. What haven’t we seen? Officers can use helicopters to land on the roof. Terrorists make demands, kill a hostage. Ticking clock until they kill another or set off the bomb.
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Kathy’s Level 3 Action Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment is I can create danger, excitement, and adrenaline in one scene.
CLIMAX: Danny realizes an attack could be in motion so he heads to the UN.
Storm hits NYC. (danger)
There are 4 buildings: the 39 story rectangular Secretariat tower, the General Assembly building, the Library, and a Conference Area.
The General Assembly Building is a sloping structure with concave sides, 380 feet long and 160 feet wide, topped with a shallow dome. The north end, opening onto a landscaped plaza, is the main public entrance to the Headquarters complex. A Second floor hallway is lined by Members States’ flags and connects the Conference Building with the General Assembly Building.
Danny and his men can barely stand upright as they cross the plaza. (danger)
Flying debris hits one man (danger) and he is knocked unconscious. (fear for his safety) Another officer drags him to shelter. ( relief)
The officers pass through entry doors in the tall glass wall of the General Assembly building.
Beyond the lobby to the right is the small Meditation Room. Suspended from the ceiling above the stair landing connecting the lobby with the second-floor ceremonial entrance to the General Assembly Hall is a Foucault Pendulum, a 200-pound gold-plated sphere, 12 inches in diameter, held by a stainless steel wire suspended from the ceiling, 75 feet above the floor of the lobby and over a raised metal ring, six feet in diameter. It swings back and forth.
There are 4 interior ledges, each for a floor. Ramps zig zag up to the second floor. There are sets of 2 elevators and stairs in the front and in the back of the hall, on opposite sides of the building.
Danny’s men spread out. Some enter the meditation room. Some follow Danny up the ramp to the second floor. At the top of the stairs, Danny finds wounded and dead UN guards. (danger, death) One wounded guard tells him there are hostages in the Assembly Hall. (danger)
The General Assembly Hall has a seating capacity of 1,800. At 165 ft long by 115 ft wide, it is the largest room in the complex.
At the front of the chamber is the rostrum containing the green marble desk for the President of the General Assembly and matching lectern. Behind the rostrum is the UN emblem on a gold background. Flanking the rostrum is a paneled semi-circular wall that tapers as it nears the ceiling and surrounds the front portion of the chamber. In front of the paneled walls are seating areas for guests and within the wall are windows which allow interpreters to watch the proceedings as they work. The ceiling of the hall is 75 ft high and surmounted by a shallow dome ringed by recessed light fixtures.
Officers come out of the empty Meditation room, go up in each elevator, and search the floors as they surround the Hall. (chase, excitement)
Shots come from terrorists on the 3rd and 4th floors. (shootout, excitement, danger, adrenaline)
Danny leads a team up to the 3rd floor balcony. (chase, excitement, adrenaline)
They team breaches the doors, use grenades to kill the terrorists. (excitement, adrenaline) One lives but is wounded. Danny grabs him, forces him to talk. (interrogation, setup) He says there are 20 terrorists holding 300 people in the Hall. (reveal)
Shots come from the 4th floor balcony.
Danny leads a team up to the 4th floor balcony. (chase, excitement, adrenaline)
They team breaches the doors, shoot and kill the terrorists. (gun battle, danger, excitement, adrenaline)
Danny looks down 4 stories ( adrenaline) and sees the terrorists aiming guns at cowering hostages. (danger, fear, excitement, adrenaline) Can’t shoot.
Danny discusses the situation. Calls for smoke bombs. A man rushes out of a police van with a backpack. He gets hit by flying debris, goes down.
Danny sends another man who drags the first officer to safety ( relief) then takes the elevator to the 4th floor. He gives the smoke bombs to Danny. (relief)
Danny and his officers drop smoke bombs into the hall. (twist)
Danny runs back downstairs to the second floor balcony. (excitement, adrenaline)
Terrorists surprised as smoke fills the room. They panic and try to escape. (evade) They grab hostages (Danger, excitement, adrenaline) and take them to a smaller room in back of the hall, the GA 200 reception suite, and lock the door.
Danny and crew shoot a dozen men in the hall. (shootout, excitement, adrenaline )
Several men escape but are captured.
Danny calls the police van and an officer struggles through the high winds to bring a tank into the hall. (excitement, adrenaline) It contains sleeping gas.
Danny pipes sleeping gas into the Reception suite. (twist, intrigue)
Everyone in the room falls asleep. (relief)
Danny and men run into the Reception Suite. Handcuff the terrorists.
Hostages are freed. (relief)
Danny and his men celebrate.
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Kathy’s Level 2 Action Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment is I can create a scene that uses all three of these Action emotions.
1. Look through your outline and choose a scene that could use surprise, shock, and suspense.
2. Create an outline of the scene that includes each of the three emotions.
3. Write the scene as a first draft, highlighting surprise, shock, and suspense.
The terrorists decide to kidnap Danny’s wife. (danger)
They watch the house until she drives up with the kids in the back seat. She opens the garage door, drives in and, as the garage door is closing, the thieves stop it. (surprise)
They muscle her and the kids into the house. The kids are locked in an upstairs bedroom. The man slaps her (shock), then gets out a knife. He drags the point across her neck as she sobs. Then he stops and starts to climb the steps. She yells for him to stop, to not hurt the kids. He walks back. She tells the men that Danny overheard the rug store owner’s conversation and the antique panel at the auction was stolen from a museum in Iraq.
The man writes a ransom note and leaves it on the kitchen table for Danny. They bind her hands and push her into their car and drive off. (surprise, extortion)
The storm is off Andros and heading north. Will hit NYC in 6 days. (danger)
SECOND TURNING POINT: Danny finds the note, has it checked for prints, ID’s the print, finds the mob boss owns a warehouse, takes a squad there. Gun fight with the thieves. (shootout) Man holds his wife, threatens to shoot her. Danny puts down his M16 as asked but has a handgun hidden behind it. (twist) Danny shoots and the man dies, wife runs into his arms. Finds stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques. (reveal) Finds invoices with the rug store letterhead.
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Kathy’s Level 1 Action Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment is I can create a scene with all three of these Action emotions.
1. Look through your outline and choose a scene that could use anxiety, fear, and relief.
2. Create an outline of the scene that includes each of the three emotions.
MIDPOINT: Thief tells the mob boss about Danny and mob boss orders him to kill Danny. (anxiety)
The men shoot at Danny in midtown (fear) but he’s not hurt. (relief)
3. Write the scene as a first draft, highlighting anxiety, fear, and relief.
LGA Thief: I didn’t say a word.
Mob Boss: Which is your job.
LGA Thief: He’ll never know anything.
Mob Boss: Take Raymond with you. Tail that cop and make sure you’re not followed.
LGA Thief: Piece of cake.
He leaves.
Thief and Raymond watch as Danny leaves the station, gets in a taxi, they tail him.(anxiety)
After Danny gets out and the cab drives off, Carlos aims a handgun and fires. (fear)
Danny ducks and the bullet sails over his head. ( relief)
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Kathy’s Favorite Twists!
What I learned doing this assignment is I can add in more twists.
Choose any scene that needs a twist or two:
Brainstorm ways to use one or more of these twists:
Anger ========================= Safety
New Threat ====================== Unexpected Support
Plan Fails ========================Plan Succeeds
Identity or Plan Exposed ============ Identity Hidden
Deceived ====================== Surprising Truth
Betrayal ======================= Surprising Alliance
Attacked ====================== Protected
Lost Resources ================= New Resources
It Just Got Worse ============== It Just Got Better
Unexpected Weapon ============= Surprising Response
Trap/Trick ===================== Escape
Reversal ====================== Reverse the Reversal
Tell us your FIVE favorite twists listed as Setup/Twist.
1. Danny is on a boring assignment. (setup) but he overhears a plot to sell stolen antiques. ( twist)
2. Danny follows the trail, traces fingerprints, finds one off the thieves. (setup) Interrogates him, has to let him go. Not enough proof since he is an airline employee. (twist) (M,interrogation)
3. Danny has a rifle. A terrorist has his wife, tells him to put down the gun. (setup) Danny puts down the rifle, but has a handgun behind it and shoots the terrorist.(twist, unexpected weapon)
4. At an auction, the mayor meets the director of Christies. He tells her that they should speak in private. (setup) After shutting the door to a conference room, he grabs her ass and kisses her. (twist) She slaps him. (violence) He says, you’ll regret that, as she hurries out.
5. The next day, the mayor tells his aide to research her finances. A week later, he puts a report on the mayor’s desk. There are suspicious deposits in her bank account from an art gallery. (twist, betrayal) She has been taking bribes and using the money to pay her mother’s nursing home bills. (intrigue) The mayor tells her that he wants part of the money. (twist, competition) She unhappily agrees. (unexpected alliance)
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Kathy’s Likability/Empathy/Justification
What I learned doing this assignment is I can add more emotions.
This is a simple way to brainstorm the three emotional situations that will connect the audience to the Hero. Once you have brainstormed a list of ways to accomplish each one, then you make decisions about which you want to keep and how they will play in the story.
LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY
• A. Other people like or respect the character. Wife, other detectives
• B. The character shows love for something. Wife, kids, father
• C. They’re trying to do something good. Stop smuggling ring at first, then find out the smugglers are terrorists
• D. Save the cat — rescue or do something good for someone else. Rescues wife.
• E. Funny, humorous, witty. Occasionally.
• F. Kindness. But can be ruthless with terrorists/bad guys.
• G. Good moral decisions and actions. Being on the right side. Always.
EMPATHY / DISTRESS
• A. Undeserved misfortune. Put on low priority cases.
• B. External Character conflicts. Auction house director, NYC Mayor, wife
• C. Plot intruding on life. Wife kidnapped.
• D. Moral dilemmas. What about the Christie’s director? Why is his wife involved?
• E. Forced decisions they’d never make. Must save wife, stop terrorists.
• F. Wound attacked. Put on low priority cases so increases his insecurity.
JUSTIFICATION
• A. The character or their family abused. Put on low priority cases so increases his insecurity
• B. Threatened by others. Wife attacked.
• C. The Hero is the victim of attacks. Wife attacked.
• D. They’ve suffered major losses. Wife attacked.
• E. The Villain or their representatives have trespassed, hostages in the UN building. .
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I’ve been out of town, so will catch up this week.
Kathy’s Story Map
What I learned doing this assignment is I have a strong plot.
STRUCTURE: The 3-Act structure you built in Lesson 6 that takes your Hero through the transformational journey.
MISSION TRACK: The steps and actions the Hero takes to achieve his or her mission and defeat the Villain.
VILLAIN TRACK: The Villain’s plan, decisions, and actions to make their dastardly goal happen.
ACTION TRACK: The Action set pieces that happen as the Villain and Hero clash.
Bring those four together and you will have a strong plot for this Action movie.
INTRODUCTION: Iraq war, fighting in the streets. Thieves break into the National Museum in Bagdad and steal an ancient clay tablet with the story of Gilgamesh incised on it.(A,V, danger, fight)
In Manhattan, a TV news shows a storm forming in the Caribbean, (V,danger)
INCITING INCIDENT: Danny overhears man talking about a stolen tablet in a Christie’s auction (M,danger)
Boss tells him to ignore it, no proof of any crime (M,competition)
Storm now a tropical depression (V,danger)
Argues with director at Christies. (M,V,interrogation)
Depression now a tropical storm. (V,danger)
Tells chief about the plot and chief again says go be a real reporter. (M,competition)
Small craft warnings issued for Caribbean. (V,danger)
Thieves steal a valuable painting from a La Guardia cargo bin. (V,escape/evade)
FIRST TURNING POINT: Danny’s assigned the case. Follows the trail, traces fingerprints, finds one off the thieves. Interrogates him, has to let him go. Not enough proof since he is an airline employee. (M,interrogation)
MIDPOINT: Thief tells the mob boss about Danny. They sideswipe him on a highway but he’s not hurt. (V,danger)
Another subplot:
The mayor of NYC is a hidden villain. At an auction, the mayor meets the director of Christies. He tells her that they should speak in private. After shutting the door to a conference room, he grabs her ass and kisses her. She slaps him. (V,violence) He says, you’ll regret that, as she hurries out. The next day, the mayor tells his aide to research her finances. A week later, he puts a report on the mayor’s desk. There are suspicious deposits in her bank account from an art gallery. She has been taking bribes and using the money to pay her mother’s nursing home bills. (intrigue) The mayor tells her that he wants part of the money. (competition) She unhappily agrees.
Gale force winds lash Puerto Rico. The storm takes a northward turn. Reporters hound the mayor for ignoring the hurricane. It will hit the city and the city is not prepared.(V,danger)
The terrorists decide to kidnap Danny’s wife. (V,danger)
They torture her so she tells them Danny overheard the rug store owner’s conversation, the antique panel at the auction was stolen from a museum in Iraq. (V,torture,M)
They send a ransom note to Danny. (V,extortion)
The storm is off Andros and heading north. Will hit NYC in 6 days. (V,danger)
SECOND TURNING POINT: Danny goes to the warehouse. Gun fight with the thieves. (M, V, shootout) Man holds his wife, threatens to shoot her. Danny puts down his M16 as asked but has a handgun hidden behind it. (twist) Hits man who dies, wife runs into his arms. Finds stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques. (M, reveal) Finds invoices with the rug store letterhead.
Interrogates store owner. He says nothing, wants his lawyer. (M)
Danny goes back to Christies, tells director that the painting was recovered, can go in the auction. (M) And that there were stolen antiques in the warehouse, destined for the auction. (M) Still no proof the tablet was stolen. She almost tells him about the mayor but stops.
The storm hits Jacksonville. (V, danger)
Danny looks at bank records from the rug store, finds a withdrawal to a Pakistani company, also purchases from sports stores and pawn shops. (M,reveal)
He goes to the stores, finds semi-automatic gun purchases.(M, reveal)
Storm off Outer Banks. (V<danger)
He calls the FBI, who tell him there are links to Pakistani terrorists at the Pakistani company. (M, V, danger)
CRISIS: He interrogates the store owner, beats him up. (violence, torture) Finds guns stored in carpet rolls. (M, reveal) Finds photos of the UN building. (M, reveal) Finds phone numbers and lists of men’s names. All have Middle Eastern names. (M, reveal)
Sends officers to their houses but all are gone. (M, evade)
CLIMAX: Danny realizes an attack could be in motion so he heads to the UN. (M)
Storm hits NYC. (danger)
There are 4 buildings: the 39 story rectangular Secretariat tower, the General Assembly building, the Library, and a Conference Area.
The General Assembly Building is a sloping structure with concave sides, 380 feet long and 160 feet wide, topped with a shallow dome. The north end, opening onto a landscaped plaza, is the main public entrance to the Headquarters complex. Beyond the lobby to the right is the small Meditation Room. Suspended from the ceiling above the stair landing connecting the lobby with the second-floor ceremonial entrance to the General Assembly Hall is a Foucault Pendulum.
The General Assembly Hall has a seating capacity of 1,800. At 165 ft long by 115 ft wide, it is the largest room in the complex.
The Hall has two murals by the French artist Fernand Léger. At the front of the chamber is the rostrum containing the green marble desk for the President of the General Assembly and matching lectern. Behind the rostrum is the UN emblem on a gold background. Flanking the rostrum is a paneled semi-circular wall that tapers as it nears the ceiling and surrounds the front portion of the chamber. In front of the paneled walls are seating areas for guests and within the wall are windows which allow interpreters to watch the proceedings as they work. The ceiling of the hall is 75 ft high and surmounted by a shallow dome ringed by recessed light fixtures.
Danny finds wounded and dead UN guards. (M, V, danger, death)
One wounded guard tells him there are hostages in the Assembly Hall. (M)
The cops search the floors as they surround the Hall. (M, chase)
Danny leads a team up to the 3rd floor balcony. (M, chase)
Shots come from terrorists on the floor above. (shootout) The team goes to the stairs, climbs up, breaches the doors, use grenades to kill the terrorists. (M, V, chase) One lives but he is wounded. Danny grabs him, forces him to talk. (M, V, interrogation) He says there are 20 terrorists holding 300 people in the Hall. (M, reveal)
Danny runs back downstairs to the second floor balcony. (chase) Sees men aiming guns at cowering hostages. Can’t shoot. Drops smoke bombs. (M, twist)
Terrorists surprised. They try to escape. (evade) They grab hostages. (V, danger)
Danny and crew shoot a dozen men. (M, V, shootout)
Several men escape but are captured. (M)
Danny and men head downstairs.
Pipe sleeping gas into the Hall. (M, twist)
Everyone in the room falls asleep.
Danny and men run into the Hall. Handcuff the terrorists. (M)
Hostages are freed.
Danny relieved.
RESOLUTION: Papers found in the terrorists homes showing bribes paid to art dealers and to the director of Christies. (M, reveal)
Danny interviews (M, interrogation) the director who confesses and asks for clemency.
Danny interviews (M, interrogation) the mayor who doesn’t.
The mayor is arrested.(M)
The director is given probation. (M)
The tablet goes back to the museum in Iraq. (M)
Danny and his wife attend the Christie’s auction. (M)
They clink flutes with the director.
THE END.
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“Kathy’s Action Track
What I learned doing this assignment is I can write action scenes.
Action accomplishes multiple purposes.
• Creates the adrenaline experience for the audience.
• Pits Hero against Villain (or the Villain’s representatives).
• Makes a change for the story or Hero.
• Gives us an insight into either the Hero or Villain.
• Is entertaining to watch.
Answer these questions to create your Action Track:
• A. Considering the concept from Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie? all
• B. Considering the Mission and Villain Tracks, what action could work for this track? all
• C. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act? Danny finds out about stolen antiques sold at auctions. He eventually discovers that the funds go to terrorists who are planning to blow up the UN building. The hurricane increases in intensity as the story progresses.
Select the types of action you’ll use.
• A. Chase/Pursuit
• B. Fight
• C. Shootout
• D. Rescue
• E. Escape/Evade
• F. Competition
• G. Dangerous Situations
• H. Interrogation
• I. Torture
Give us your list of action scenes and the purpose of each scene.
Intro shows storm forming, (danger)
Danny overhears plot. (danger)
Boss tells him to ignore it, no proof. (competition)
Storm now a tropical depression (danger)
Argues with director at Christies. (interrogation)
Depression now a tropical storm. (danger)
Tells chief about the plot and chief again says go be a real reporter. (competition)
Small craft warnings issued for Caribbean. (danger)
Thieves steal a valuable painting from a La Guardia cargo bin. (escape/evade)
Danny’s assigned the case. Follows the trail, traces fingerprints, finds one off the thieves. Interrogates him, has to let him go. Not enough proof since he is an airline employee.
Thief tells the mob boss about Danny. They sideswipe him on a highway but he’s not hurt. (danger)
Another subplot:
The mayor of NYC is a hidden villain. At an auction, the mayor meets the director of Christies. He tells her that they should speak in private. After shutting the door to a conference room, he grabs her ass and kisses her. She slaps him. He says, you’ll regret that, as she hurries out. The next day, the mayor tells his aide to research her finances. A week later, he puts a report on the mayor’s desk. There are suspicious deposits in her bank account from an art gallery. She has been taking bribes and using the money to pay her mother’s nursing home bills. The mayor tells her that he wants part of the money. She unhappily agrees.
Gale force winds lash Puerto Rico. The storm takes a northward turn. Reporters hound the mayor for ignoring the hurricane. It will hit the city and the city is not prepared.(danger)
The terrorists decide to kidnap Danny’s wife. (danger)
They torture her so she tells them Danny overheard the rug store owner’s conversation, the antique panel at the auction was stolen from a museum in India. They send a ransom note to Danny. (extortion)
The storm is off Andros and heading north. NYC in 6 days.
Danny goes to the warehouse. Gun fight with the thieves. Man holds her, threatens to shoot her. Danny puts down his M16 as asked but has a handgun hidden behind it. Hits man who dies, wife runs into his arms. Finds stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques. Finds invoices with the rug store letterhead.
Interrogates store owner. He says nothing, wants his lawyer.
Danny goes back to Christies, tells director that the painting was recovered, can go in the auction. And that there were stolen antiques in the warehouse, destined for the auction. Still no proof the panel was stolen. She almost tells him about the mayor but stops.
The storm hits Jacksonville.
Danny looks at bank records from the rug store, finds a withdrawal to a Pakistani company, also purchases from sports stores.
He goes to the stores, finds semi-automatic gun purchases.
Storm off Outer Banks.
He calls the FBI, who tell him there are links to Pakistani terrorists at the Pakistani company.
He interrogates the store owner, beats him up. Finds guns stored in carpet rolls. Finds photos of the UN building. Finds phone numbers and lists of men’s names. All have Middle Eastern names.
Sends officers to their houses but all are gone.
Danny realizes an attack could be in motion so he heads to the UN.
Storm hits NYC.
There are 4 buildings: the 39 story rectangular Secretariat tower, the General Assembly building, the Library, and a Conference Area.
The General Assembly Building is a sloping structure with concave sides, 380 feet long and 160 feet wide, topped with a shallow dome. The north end, opening onto a landscaped plaza, is the main public entrance to the Headquarters complex. Beyond the lobby to the right is the small Meditation Room. Suspended from the ceiling above the stair landing connecting the lobby with the second-floor ceremonial entrance to the General Assembly Hall is a Foucault Pendulum.
The General Assembly Hall has a seating capacity of 1,800. At 165 ft long by 115 ft wide, it is the largest room in the complex.
The Hall has two murals by the French artist Fernand Léger. At the front of the chamber is the rostrum containing the green marble desk for the President of the General Assembly and matching lectern. Behind the rostrum is the UN emblem on a gold background. Flanking the rostrum is a paneled semi-circular wall that tapers as it nears the ceiling and surrounds the front portion of the chamber. In front of the paneled walls are seating areas for guests and within the wall are windows which allow interpreters to watch the proceedings as they work. The ceiling of the hall is 75 ft high and surmounted by a shallow dome ringed by recessed light fixtures.
Danny finds wounded and dead UN guards.
One wounded guard tells him there are hostages in the Assembly Hall.
The cops search the floors as they surround the Hall.
Danny leads a team up to the 3rd floor balcony.
Shots come from terrorists on the floor above. The team goes to the stairs, climbs up, breaches the doors, use grenades to kill the terrorists. One lives but he is wounded. Danny grabs him, forces him to talk. He says there are 20 terrorists holding 300 people in the Hall.
Danny runs back downstairs to the second floor balcony. Sees men aiming guns at cowering hostages. Can’t shoot. Drops smoke bombs.
Terrorists surprised. They try to escape. They grab hostages.
Danny and crew shoot a dozen men.
Several men escape but are captured.
Danny and men head downstairs.
Pipe sleeping gas into the Hall.
Everyone in the room falls asleep.
Danny and men run into the Hall. Handcuff the terrorists.
Hostages are freed.
Danny relieved.
Papers found in the terrorists homes showing bribes paid.
Danny interviews the director who confesses and asks for clemency.
Danny interviews the mayor who doesn’t.
The mayor is arrested.
The director is given probation.
The panel goes back to it’s original home museum.
Danny and his wife attend the Christie’s auction.
They clink flutes with the director.
THE END.
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Kathy’s Villain Track!
What I learned doing this assignment is I can create ruthless villains.
Logline: As a dangerous hurricane tracks northward toward NYC, a rookie detective uncovers a smuggling ring with ties to important members of NYC society.
What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero? There are 3 villains; the terrorists, the hurricane, and the mayor.
Pakistani terrorists have a pre-existing plan to sell stolen antiques to finance a terrorist bombing of the UN building.
There is another villain and the ticking clock: The hurricane tracks northward from the Caribbean as the story progresses, increasing in force as the story action increases. Reporters hound the mayor for ignoring the hurricane. It will hit the city and the city is not prepared.
The mayor of NYC is a hidden villain. At an auction, the mayor meets the director of Christies. He tells her that they should speak in private. After shutting the door to a conference room, he grabs her ass and kisses her. She slaps him. He says, you’ll regret that, as she hurries out. The next day, the mayor tells his aide to research her finances. A week later, he puts a report on the mayor’s desk. There are suspicious deposits in her bank account from an art gallery. She has been taking bribes and using the money to pay her mother’s nursing home bills. The mayor tells her that he wants part of the money. She unhappily agrees.
Ruthless art thieves from Pakistan have a secret operation stealing antiques and selling them at Christie’s auctions. They don’t tell the director of Christie’s that they are using the money to buy weapons for an attack on the UN building. She takes money as a finder’s fee and will lie to Danny to keep her secret.
What advantage does the Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie? They continue their plan as if nothing is wrong. They know the director will keep silent because she needs the money. They have another heist is in motion: Cargo workers at LGA steal a painting from a secure cargo area and take it to a warehouse. After the thieves realize that Danny knows about their plan, they kidnap his wife, forcing a confrontation.
What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain where they pay for what they’ve done? Death
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Kathy’s Hero’s Mission Track
What I learned doing this assignment is I can come up with plots.
Ask the Mission Track questions to discover your Hero’s mission.
What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds? Skill, determination, and hard work
What is the mission that would be an impossible goal? Stopping terrorists who want to blow up the UN Building.
What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero? see below
What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain? Great difficulties but eventual success.
Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.
Clear Mission: Danny must find and stop the terrorists before a hurricane hits the city.
Motivation: External: Danny wants to stop the men who are stealing antiques from museums. And he wants a permanent position as a NYC detective. Internal: He wants his wife and young children to be proud of him.
Inciting Incident: Danny overhears a conversation in a rug shop. The carpets are from Pakistan. A piece of sixth century Indian art is to be sold at a Christie’s auction. It has been stolen but was reported as sold by an art dealer in London in 1989. Ruthless art thieves from Pakistan need the money from the Christies sale to buy weapons for an attack on the UN building. It is just one of many art thefts.
First Action: Danny tells his boss but the boss tells him the case is low level. No proof. He can only handle it on his time off. The thieves have a secret operation stealing antiques and selling them at Christie’s auctions. They don’t tell the director of Christie’s that they are using the money to buy weapons. She takes money as a finders fee/commission from them so that she can pay her mother’s medical bills. She also is paying the mayor because he got her a job. Neither know that the money is from terrorists.
Obstacles:
1. He talks to the director at Christies and she denies everything and sends him packing.
2. Another heist is in motion: Cargo workers at LGA steal a painting from a secure cargo area and take it to a warehouse.
3. A hurricane is heading for NYC.
Escalation: 1. Danny goes to the rug shop but the owner denies everything.
2. He tries to track the stolen painting but the airline paperwork leads him to a dead end. The painting listed as being shipped is really on the wall in a museum. No one knows the identity of the painting in the shipping crate.
Overwhelming Odds: The rug shop owner tells the terrorists about Danny. He is ambushed, shot as he drives along a NYC street. He turns the car, chases the terrorists, but they get away. He tells his boss who again says no proof that the men who shot at him are terrorists. They plot against him and decide to kidnap his wife.
Twist: Director of Christies paying bribes to the mayor for her job.
Apparent defeat: They kidnap his wife. Rug shop owner takes the painting to Christies. Painting in shipping crate put into another auction. A bomb is planted in the UN building.
Apparent success, New Plan: Discovers leads to terrorists, shoots several, frees his wife.
Twist: The hurricane hits NYC. Danny must chase the terrorists through flooded subways.
Full out Attack: The terrorists faith is to an Islamic code which calls for a worldwide Islamic state. They will die for this. A suicide bomber threatens the UN. If all the UN delegates do not convert to Islam, he will ignite the bomb. Danny shoots him and several others in a gun battle inside the UN. He finds the other bomb and saves the building.
Success: Plot stopped. Mayor and Director of Christies fired/jailed.
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Kathy Panzella
I’ve written many scripts, finishing an action script so will work on it here
I’ve invented a shower caddy that holds a cell phone.
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Action script assignment 2
What I learned doing this assignment is that I need to study more about terrorists and their religion.
Concept:
• Hero Morally Right: Danny wants to stop the men who are stealing antiques from museums. He doesn’t know why they are doing it.
• Villain Morally Wrong: The thieves are stealing antique art to make money. They want to buy weapons to blow up the UN building.
Hero
• A. Unique Skill Set: Danny is a NYPD Detective, has Police procedure, weapons, strategy. Danny is a forensic specialist because his dad ran a forensic lab in their house and trained him as a teenager.
• B. Motivation: He wants his wife and young children to be proud of him. And he wants a permanent position as a NYC detective.
• C. Secret or Wound: His eye was splashed by acid in the basement lab when he was a teenager. Danny always feels he is not as good as his father who was a NYC Medical Examiner until he died from a heart attack when Danny was 22.
Villain
• A. Unbeatable: The thieves have a secret operation stealing antiques and selling them at Christie’s auctions. They don’t tell the director of Christie’s that they are using the money to buy weapons. She takes money as a finders fee/commission from them so that she can pay her mother’s medical bills.
• B. Plan/Goal: Ruthless art thieves from Pakistan need the money from the Christies sale to buy weapons for an attack on the UN building. It is just one of many art thefts. Another heist is in motion: Cargo workers at LGA steal a painting from a secure cargo area and take it to a warehouse.
• C. What they lose if Hero survives: They lose their faith to an Islamic code which calls for a worldwide Islamic state. They will die for this. And they will lose millions of dollars.
Impossible Mission
• A. Puts Hero in Action: Danny overhears a conversation in a rug shop. The carpets are from Pakistan. A piece of sixth century Indian art is to be sold at a Christie’s auction. It has been stolen but was reported as sold by an art dealer in London in 1989.
• B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: Danny’s boss tells him the case is low level. He can only handle it on his time off. He must find proof of the thefts from the robbers and, since the director of Christies is taking bribes, she must also be caught.
• C. Destroy the Villain: Danny must find and stop the thieves before a hurricane hits the city.
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Kathy’s Conventions!
Answer the question, “What I learned doing this assignment is more about art stolen from museums worldwide.
Concept: As a dangerous hurricane tracks northward up the east coast, a rookie detective uncovers a smuggling ring with ties to important members of NYC society.
Conventions:
• Hero: Danny Rizzo, a NYC detective, Italian, Colombo-type, clothes look like he’s slept in them
• Demand For Action: Danny overhears a conversation in a rug shop. The carpets are from Pakistan. A piece of sixth century Indian art is to be sold at a Christie’s auction. It has been stolen but was reported as sold by an art dealer in London in 1989.
• Mission: He must find the thieves and stop the auction.
• Antagonist: Ruthless art thieves from Pakistan need the money from the Christies sale to buy weapons for an attack on the UN building. It is just one of many art thefts. Another heist is in motion: Cargo workers at LGA steal a painting from a secure cargo area and take it to a warehouse.
• Escalating Action: Danny must find and stop the thieves before a hurricane hits the city. And is the director of Christies on the take too??
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Kathy Panzella
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Kathy Panzella
many scripts in different genres
Want to write better action scripts
I’ve invented a shower caddy that holds a cell phone.
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Kathy’s Thriller Map Version 1
Title: PASSPORT TO PERIL
Logline: After a new bride discovers her husband’s infidelities, she must use her wits to save her house and her life.
Thriller Map:
A. What is the reveal?
B. How did it get covered up?
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?
D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.
CM = character misdirect
DM = dialogue misdirect
OC = overt clue
CC = covert clue
1. The first scene shows Ben’s ex-wife, Betsy Conner, in a wheelchair at the airport, checking in for a flight to Portugal. We see her name on her passport. She tells both the gate agent and Simone that she is not coming back. (OC) She has a cast on her left leg. On the way to security, she drops her passport and Simone, who is there to greet Ben, picks it up. Simone doesn’t see her name on the passport.
A. What is the reveal? A woman is in a wheelchair, can’t walk, is injured.
B. How did it get covered up? She doesn’t say why she is hurt. The audience knows her name but Simone doesn’t.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? She warns Simone that it could happen to her. Why did she say this? (DM)
2. Ben, a business associate, charms Simone into having dinner with him. ( new options)
3. Ben takes her to the botanic garden.
4. Ben looks at her house, an expansive MCM on a big lot worth over a million. (CC)
5. He takes Simone and her son Josh to a nice Italian restaurant.
6. 6 months later he proposes and she accepts. (inciting incident, solution makes things worse) (CC)
A. What is the reveal? Ben proposes.
B. How did it get covered up? He has a secret agenda.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Why did a man with the same last name as the lady in the wheelchair marry Simone?
7. He has her sign a pre-nup. (CC) He tells Simone it’s about his business but he has added a sentence that says if she dies before Josh is 18, then Ben gets the house so he can care for him. (CM, solution gets worse)
8. On the honeymoon, Simone finds a cryptic note of Ben’s, “call M about closing”. (CC) Ben says it’s nothing but it is a note about a past house closing that he did with Marcie. (DM)
9. Josh thinks Ben is buttering him up since he is always so nice. (CM)
10. Simone talks to her friend Beth about finding a mortgage statement. (OC) Ben and Betsy Conner are on the loan. Simone knows that Ben lied to her about the closing. (Unexpected side of Ben)
A. What is the reveal? Simone finds the statement with both names on it.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben hid it.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Ben lied.
11. Ben and Simone have a fight. (unexpected side) (CC)
12. Ben secretly rips up her will. (violates trust) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Ben gets angry about Simone’s will.
B. How did it get covered up? Shows his hidden anger about the scheme to get her house, hasn’t worked.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
13. They go to Thanksgiving dinner at his cousin Emily’s who tells Simone that Ben was a bully as a child and had 2 short previous marriages. Two marriages and 2 divorces in 2 years. ( turning point one, a major twist) (CM, secret identity) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Ben had 2 previous marriages.
B. How did it get covered up? He lied.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Emily spills the beans.
14. They talk about taxes. Simone kneels at his feet. Ben says he will pay them. (changes sides)
15. They go to a convention on the Ga. coast. Simone is tired so she goes to sleep. Ben meets Marcie, his lover, who tells Ben that she will take care of Simone. ( danger) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Marcie is also in on the scheme.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben keeps her a secret. Marcie won’t meet Simone until act 3.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Audience knows but Simone doesn’t.
16. Marcie hits Simone with a metal tennis racquet. (danger) (OC) Simone falls, has a concussion, needs stitches, remembers nothing.
A. What is the reveal? Marcie injures Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? She will hurt Simone to get what she wants.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
17. Back home, Ben leaves and doesn’t give Simone any money. (lost resources, CC)
18. Beth suggests that Simone investigate Ben.(new options, CC)
19. Simone drives to Savannah and surprises Ben in his office. (new problem) He scrambles to hide Marcie’s photo. (OC) After Simone leaves, he calls Marcie and tells her to get her stuff out of his condo.
20. Beth finds the ex-wives, calls Simone. Simone finds out that Ben lied to her. His first wife didn’t die. (CC) She is the lady in a wheelchair that Simone met at the airport. (new identity, lie uncovered, CM)
A. What is the reveal? Beth finds the ex-wives.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied to Simone.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The lady left the country, but why?
21. In Ben’s condo, Simone finds a gun. (OC) Ben aims it at her and pulls the trigger. It isn’t loaded. He scares her. (unexpected side, CM)
A. What is the reveal? Ben can shoot Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? He won’t reveal his feelings.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
22. While Simone sleeps, Ben meets Marcie. He tells her about the pre-nup. Marcie says Simone could be in an accident. (danger) (CC)
A. What is the reveal? The pre-nup contents are revealed.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied to Simone.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Marcie plots violence
A. What is the reveal? Marcie is determined to get rid of Simone and get the money.
B. How did it get covered up? Marcie is Ben’s secret partner.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Will Marcie do it?
23. Simone wakes up, rummages through Ben’s desk, takes 2 CD’s. Simone tours Savannah the next day. Tells Beth she found 2 CD’s.(new options)
(added another scene where Ben loosens the bolts on Simone’s car. Car goes off the road on the way home. (OC) Simone OK, thinks the mechanic accidentally didn’t tighten the bolts at her last wheel alignment.)
24. Back home, Beth opens the CD’s. (OC) They find AmEx bills for expensive restaurants, women’s phone numbers and pictures of their houses. (secret identity revealed) The women think that Ben has been having many affairs. (midpoint: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.)
A. What is the reveal? Women and houses are Ben’s goals.
B. How did it get covered up? He kept it a secret. Deception.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The women think Ben is having affairs, don’t think anything else.
25. Simone cuts up Ben’s clothes. (new consequences)
26. Simone and Beth call a woman’s number. Rhonda Stevens tells them that Ben tried to get her house as a wedding present. (secret identity uncovered) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Houses are mixed up in the scheme.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben kept it secret.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Simone breaks down in tears. She still doesn’t believe that Ben is such a bad husband.
27. They call Ben’s ex-wife, Nancy Edwards, who lives in Atlanta. They drive to her house. Nancy tells them that Ben conned her out of her house and threatened her father. (secret identity uncovered) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Ben is worse than they thought.
B. How did it get covered up? They didn’t know Nancy. Ben kept it a secret.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Did Ben really do these things?
28. Beth says Ben has 2 personalities and needs a doctor. ( character jumping to conclusions)
29. Simone and Beth confront Ben, tell him they know about his women, tell him he goes to therapy or Simone divorces him. (new consequences)
A. What is the reveal? Now Ben knows that the women know.
B. How did it get covered up? They needed to do research.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The women give him an ultimatum.
30. Marcie tells Ben that she has a plan that will speed things up. (danger) (CC)
31. Ben and Simone argue in the therapist’s office. Ben apologizes to Simone. (unexpected side, CM) (CC)
32. Montage of Ben and Simone sleeping apart, talking to the therapist. (new options, new consequences)
33. A month later, a car, driven by a woman in a red dress, grazes Simone. (OC) (TURNING POINT 2: Major setback, lowest of the low, danger) Simone has a broken elbow. Beth meets her in the hospital. Simone tells Beth she saw a woman driving who wore a red dress. (OC) The detective says the car was stolen, is registered to a man in Atlanta. (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Marcie really did hurt Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? Audience knows Marcie drove the car, Simone doesn’t.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Who is the driver?
34. Ben takes Simone to a fancy restaurant and apologizes. Says all the women were before her and that he loves her. (CM, DM)
Added: Ben and Simone kiss in bed. While Simone sleeps, Ben goes to the garage, grabs a wrench and pliers, kneels in front of Simone’s car, slides under it, twists the brake line loose, then walks out. (OC)
35. Simone tells Beth that the car was stolen and hasn’t been found yet. She says Ben is a changed man, he’s putting money into their account, that Ben’s wife Betsy was crazy. Wife #2 Nancy lied to get back at him and her dad wasn’t threatened, he says crazy stuff, has Altzheimers. Simone is delusional to the end. (CM, DM)
36. Ben wants Simone to visit him in Savannah. Beth is worried. (CC) Simone says, “It’s a tour? What could go wrong?” (CM, DM)
Added: Simone turns onto an airport exit ramp, puts her foot on the brake, and the car slows down. Simone puts her foot on the brake again and the car doesn’t stop. She mashes the brake pedal again. The car keeps moving and is very close to another car’s bumper. (OC) (new problem, danger) Simone screams. She wrestles the car to the right side of the road and onto a grass strip. It rolls to a stop. (new consequences)
37. Simone, without a cast, meets Ben at the Savannah airport. He calls Marcie, tells her the cast is gone. She says she’ll deal with Simone.(danger) (CC)
38. Ben tells Simone that the boat is not a tour boat, it is a friend’s boat. He doesn’t tell her Marcie is the owner. (CM, DM)
39. At the marina, Simone sees “HASHTAG” (CC), a 35 foot sailboat with a mast, 7 small windows, a deck with benches, and a large wooden wheel for steering. A hatch leads to the main cabin. Chrome railing encircles the vessel. On board, Simone meets Marcie, who Ben introduces as a colleague. Marcie says, “I’m sure we’ll become great friends“, which is a lie. (CC) (CM, DM)
40. They cast off and motor into the Wilmington River. Simone goes into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her she is not on a tour, is sailing to St. Simons Island, and Marcie is on the boat (CC). Beth is worried, tells Simone to call her when she gets to St. Simons. (lost resources)
41. Ben hoists the mainsail up. When it is full of wind, Marcie spins the wheel. The sail deflates. Ben swings the boom and the boat veers to the left. (OC) Simone screams, grabbing the railing as she falls. (danger) The boom narrowly misses her head. Ben secures the boom rigging to a cleat, says “nice jibe,” to Marcie. (CM, DM)
A. What is the reveal? Marcie continues to try to hurt Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? She doesn’t say why she wants to.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
42. Simone goes into the cabin, finds a first aid kit, bandages her knee, sips a beer, finds a gun in a cabinet. Looks in a bin, finds makeup, a bra, panties, and a red dress, looks in another bin, finds a logbook for the boat, opens it, Marcie’s name is on the first page as the owner. (secret identity uncovered) (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Marcie owns the boat.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied to Simone.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Who owns the gun? Why did Ben lie about the boat?
43. Simone calls Beth but no answer. Simone goes up to the deck. Waits for sunset.
44. Simone goes back into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her that Marcie owns the boat and spun the wheel, almost knocking her down. Beth says to get off the boat asap, doesn’t trust either Ben or Marcie. (OC)
45. After dinner Ben walks off with Marcie, who wears a red dress, leaving Simone alone to shop. (CM, DM)
46. Back on the boat, Simone drops her shopping bags and calls Beth who says she is nervous about the gun, asks “who owns it?” (CC) Simone agrees to get a hotel room. ( something planned doesn’t happen)
47. Simone packs her bag and sees that the gun is missing. (OC) She’s looking for it as Ben and Marcie stagger onto the deck. Ben comes into the cabin. (start of the CLIMAX) He’s drunk, starts a fight, binds Simone’s hands, socks her. (OC) (danger) She plays dead.
A. What is the reveal? Ben will hurt Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? He hasn’t hit her before. This is unexpected behavior.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
48. He grabs her cell and goes up the steps. Back on the deck, he tosses her phone overboard. (OC) (lost resources) Ben starts releasing the lines. Marcie’s afraid of getting caught. (CC) (unexpected side) Ben starts the engine and they move away from the dock. He stomps back downstairs to the cabin.
49. Simone plays dead. (CM) Ben and Marcie head to the bedroom and shut the door. Simone tries to free her hands then heads up to the deck.
50. Simone elbows the hatch doors shut. She spots the tackle box, kneels, turns around on her knees, and fingers the lock. It pops open. She fingers a knife and uses it to slowly cut the rope around her wrists. It parts. ( new resources, new options) She puts the metal crab net through the doors.
51. Simone turns to the radio next to the wheel, talks to the marine operator who tells her to turn on the running lights. She does. (new options) A white light from the mast spotlights the boat. A green light is on the right side and a red light is on the left side. A white stern light illuminates the water around the rear platform.
52. Ben notices the lights. As he kicks the doors, Simone says, “Operator, help. My husband is trying to kill me. There’s a gun on the boat…….somewhere.” (OC)
A. What is the reveal? Simone finally admits Ben is trying to kill her.
B. How did it get covered up? She has been in denial.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
53. Intercut between Ben and Simone. He sees her through a hatch, and starts shooting. (OC) She’s talking to the marine operator but has to drop the microphone and run. (danger)
54. Simone climbs above the door as Ben shoots through the crab net handle. (danger) It splits and he opens the doors. She conks him on the head with a fire extinguisher and he falls back into the cabin onto Marcie.
55. The fire extinguisher rolls off the deck, through the railing, and disappears into the sea.( lost resources) (OC)
56. Simone shuts the doors again. She grabs a padlock from the tackle box and padlocks the doors. (new options)
57. She calls the marine operator again.(new options) The Coast Guard will be there in 10 min. Simone says, “I could be dead by then.” (danger) (CC)
58. Marcie shoots through the doors. (danger) Simone climbs to the bow. Marcie sees her, tells her Ben wants to apologize. (CM, DM) Simone says, “I know you own the boat.” Marcie says the CG isn’t coming. (lost resources)
59. Simone calls the marine operator again, “send the CG”.
60. Shots come through the cabin doors. One grazes Simone, hitting in her left calf. Blood pours down her leg. (danger) (OC)
61. Ben’s head pops through the ceiling hatch. He sees Simone and shoots through the doors again, hitting the radio, which smolders. (danger) Simone climbs back on the deck. The radio is on fire. (OC)
62. Marcie sees the fire. Simone, toward the bow, turns, creeps back to the open hatch, and kicks the back of Marcie’s head, forcing her inside, then closes the hatch and stands on it’s edge. Shots go through the ceiling hatch. (danger) Simone jumps back. The hatch pops open.
63. Ben aims the gun at Simone, tells her to open the doors. (danger) She ducks in front of the doors where he can’t see her, spots the tackle box, grabs a big wrench ( new options, resources), leaps up, and hits Ben on the head with the wrench. (OC)
64. Ben, gun in hand, falls into the cabin on top of Marcie. The gun hits her head. Both lie in a pile on the cabin floor. ( new consequences)
65. Flames reach a canvas tarp covering the narrow deck under the starboard railing. (OC) (danger) The canvas catches on fire and the flames spread along the right side. Simone opens a storage box to the left of the cabin doors. She grabs a towel and tries to put out the flames but the towel catches on fire so she throws it overboard. (lost resources) A coil of rope on the deck catches fire. ( more danger) (OC)
66. Simone backs away from the flames and climbs onto the cabin roof. She walks along the railing until she is at the bow.
67. The flames along the tarp grow higher. (more danger) (OC)
68. The mainsail edge blackens, smolders, then catches fire. (worse thing possible happens) (OC)
69. Simone holds onto the bow railing and stares into the depths. “I love you Josh.”
70. The CG arrives and extinguishes the flames. (OC) Ben and Marcie are handcuffed. (new consequences)The sailboat is towed to shore. The duo are jailed. (new consequences)
71. They go in front of a judge. Marcie confesses, “He was gonna con her out of her house like his other wives.” The judge tells Ben, “You gave your wife a passport to peril.” ( new consequences)
A. What is the reveal? The scheme is revealed.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied throughout the whole marriage.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Ben and Marcie finally get what they deserve: jail. ( new consequences)
72. On an airliner, Simone sits next to a handsome French man. Two glasses of red wine are on the tray between them. “I divorced Ben a year ago. It’s taken this long to sell his condos. Versailles first or maybe the Louvre?” The man speaks, “Both are national treasures.” Simone: “My grandmother named me. She grew up on Guadeloupe and always wanted me to see Paris.” Man, “I’d love to see the Louvre again. I’m free on Friday.” She sips her wine and laughs. “Friday will be perfect.” ( new options, consequences)
73. CLOSE ON: A PASSPORT STICKING OUT OF HER BAG.
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I wrote a script, then took this class to refine it, get it ready for coverage. It’s now finished, I hope! If anyone wants to read it, send me your email. Best wishes.
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Kathy Misdirects…When Appropriate!
What I learned is I can continue to add more danger for my heroine”
1. Check these three to see how effectively you used misdirection
A. The Red Herring character.
B. The Villain’s plan.
C. The cover-up for each mystery present as “Reality.”
2. Look through your Thriller Map for a few opportunities to add in misdirection.
A. Clue Misdirection.
B. Character Misdirection.
C. Dialogue Misdirection.
1. The first scene shows Ben’s ex-wife, Betsy Conner, in a wheelchair at the airport, checking in for a flight to Portugal. We see her name on her passport. She tells both the gate agent and Simone that she is not coming back. She has a cast on her left leg. On the way to security, she drops her passport and Simone, who is there to greet Ben, picks it up. Simone doesn’t see her name on the passport.
2. Ben, a business associate, charms Simone into having dinner with him.
3. Ben takes her to the botanic garden.
4. Ben looks at her house, an expansive MCM on a big lot worth over a million.
5. He takes Simone and her son Josh to a nice Italian restaurant.
6. 6 months later he proposes and she accepts. ( inciting incident)
7. He has her sign a pre-nup. He tells Simone it’s about his business but he has added a sentence that says if she dies before Josh is 18, then Ben gets the house so he can care for him. ( character misdirect)
8. On the honeymoon, Simone finds a cryptic note of Ben’s, “call M about closing”. Ben says it’s nothing but it is a note about a past house closing that he did with Marcie.
9. Josh thinks Ben is buttering him up since he is always so nice. ( character misdirect)
10. Simone talks to her friend Beth about finding a morgage statement. Ben and Betsy Conner are on the loan. Simone knows that Ben lied to her about the closing.
11. Ben and Simone have a fight.
12. Ben secretly rips up her will.
13. They go to Thanksgiving dinner at his cousin Emily’s who tells Simone that Ben was a bully as a child and had 2 short previous marriages. ( character misdirect)Two marriages and 2 divorces in 2 years. ( turning point one, a major twist)
14. They talk about taxes. Simone kneels at his feet. Ben says he will pay them.
15. They go to a convention on the Ga. coast. Simone is tired so she goes to sleep. Ben meets Marcie, his lover, who tells Ben that she will take care of Simone. ( page 36)
16. Marcie hits Simone with a metal tennis racquet. Simone falls, has a concussion, needs stitches, remembers nothing.
17. Back home, Ben leaves and doesn’t give Simone any money.
18. Beth suggests that Simone investigate Ben.
19. Simone drives to Savannah and surprises Ben in his office. He scrambles to hide Marcie’s photo. After Simone leaves, he calls Marcie and tells her to get her stuff out of his condo.
20. Beth finds the ex-wives, calls Simone. Simone finds out that Ben lied to her. ( character misdirect)His first wife didn’t die. She is the lady in a wheelchair that Simone met at the airport. (pg.48)
21. In Ben’s condo, Simone finds a gun. Ben aims it at her and pulls the trigger. It isn’t loaded. He scares her.
22. While Simone sleeps, Ben meets Marcie. He tells her about the pre-nup. Marcie says Simone could be in an accident.
23. Simone wakes up, rummages through Ben’s desk, takes 2 CD’s. Simone tours Savannah the next day. Tells Beth she found 2 CD’s.
24. added another scene where Ben loosens the bolts on Simone’s car. Car goes off the road on the way home. (CC) Simone OK, thinks the mechanic accidentally didn’t tighten the bolts at her last wheel alignment.
25. Back home, Beth opens the CD’s. They find AmEx bills for expensive restaurants, women’s phone numbers and pictures of their houses. The women think that Ben has been having many affairs. (midpoint: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.)
26. Simone cuts up Ben’s clothes.
27. Simone and Beth call a woman’s number. Rhonda Stevens tells them that Ben tried to get her house as a wedding present.
28. They call Ben’s ex-wife, Nancy Edwards, who lives in Atlanta. They drive to her house. Nancy tells them that Ben conned her out of her house and threatened her father.
29. Beth says Ben has 2 personalities and needs a doctor. ( character jumping to conclusions)
30. Simone and Beth confront Ben, tell him they know about his women, tell him he goes to therapy or Simone divorces him.
31. Marcie tells Ben that she has a plan that will speed things up.
32. Ben and Simone argue in the therapist’s office. Ben apologizes to Simone.
33. Montage of Ben and Simone sleeping apart, talking to the therapist.
34. A month later, a car, driven by a woman in a red dress, grazes Simone. ( character misdirect) (TURNING POINT 2: Major setback, lowest of the low, pg. 70) Beth meets her in the hospital. Simone tells Beth she saw a woman driving who wore a red dress. The detective says the car was stolen, is registered to a man in Atlanta.
35. Ben takes Simone to a fancy restaurant and apologizes. Says all the women were before her and that he loves her.
36. Ben and Simone kiss in bed. While Simone sleeps, Ben goes to the garage, grabs a wrench and pliers, kneels in front of Simone’s car, slides under it, slightly twists the brake line loose so that it will leak a little, then walks out.
37. Simone tells Beth that the car was stolen and hasn’t been found yet. She says Ben is a changed man, he’s putting money into their account, that Ben’s wife Betsy was crazy. Wife #2 Nancy lied to get back at him and her dad wasn’t threatened, he says crazy stuff, has Altzheimers. ( character misdirect)
SIMONE, Lots of women have red dresses.
BETH, There are too many coincidences.
SIMONE, You are a worry wort. ( dialogue misdirect) Josh is doing well and Ben’s more mellow. He doesn’t argue any more and he deposited two thousand dollars into our account yesterday.
38. Ben wants Simone to visit him in Savannah. Beth is worried. Simone says, “It’s a tour? What could go wrong?” (dialogue misdirect)
Added more danger: Simone turns off onto an airport exit ramp, puts her foot on the brake, and the car slows down. Simone puts her foot on the brake again and the car doesn’t stop. She mashes the brake pedal again. The car keeps moving and is very close to another car’s bumper. Simone screams. She wrestles the car to the right side of the road and onto a grass strip. It rolls to a stop.
39. Simone, without a cast, meets Ben at the Savannah airport. He calls Marcie, tells her the cast is gone. She says she’ll deal with Simone.
40. Ben tells Simone that the boat is not a tour boat, it is a friend’s boat. He doesn’t tell her Marcie is the owner. (dialogue misdirect)
41. At the marina, Simone sees “HASHTAG”, a 35 foot sailboat with a mast, 7 small windows, a deck with benches, and a large wooden wheel for steering. A hatch leads to the main cabin. Chrome railing encircles the vessel. On board, Simone meets Marcie, who Ben introduces as a colleague. Marcie says, “I’m sure we’ll become great friends“, which is a lie. ( character misdirect)
42. They cast off and motor into the Wilmington River. Simone goes into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her she is not on a tour, is sailing to St. Simons Island, and Marcie is on the boat. Beth is worried, tells Simone to call her when she gets to St. Simons.
43. Ben hoists the mainsail up. When it is full of wind, Marcie spins the wheel. The sail deflates. Ben swings the boom and the boat veers to the left. Simone screams, grabbing the railing as she falls. The boom narrowly misses her head. Ben secures the boom rigging to a cleat, says “nice jibe,” (dialogue misdirect) to Marcie.(character misdirect)
44. Simone goes into the cabin, finds a first aid kit, bandages her knee, sips a beer, finds a gun in a cabinet. Looks in a bin, finds makeup, a bra, panties, and a red dress, looks in another bin, finds a logbook for the boat, opens it, Marcie’s name is on the first page as the owner.
45. Simone calls Beth but no answer. Simone goes up to the deck. Waits for sunset.
46. Simone goes back into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her that Marcie owns the boat and spun the wheel, almost knocking her down. Beth says to get off the boat asap, doesn’t trust either Ben or Marcie.
Added: Before dinner Simone gets a call from the mechanic. Her car has a hole in the brake line. He says this doesn’t happen often, maybe caused by a rock.
47. After dinner Ben walks off with Marcie, who wears a red dress, leaving Simone alone to shop.
48. Back on the boat, Simone drops her shopping bags and calls Beth who says she is nervous about the gun, asks “who owns it?” Simone agrees to get a hotel room.
49. Simone packs her bag and sees that the gun is missing. She’s looking for it as Ben and Marcie stagger onto the deck. Ben comes into the cabin. (start of the CLIMAX) He’s drunk, starts a fight, binds Simone’s hands, socks her. She plays dead.
50. He grabs her cell and goes up the steps. Back on the deck, he tosses her phone overboard. Ben starts releasing the lines. Marcie’s afraid of getting caught. Ben starts the engine and they move away from the dock. He stomps back downstairs to the cabin.
51. Simone plays dead. Ben and Marcie head to the bedroom and shut the door. Simone tries to free her hands then heads up to the deck.
52. Simone elbows the hatch doors shut. She spots the tackle box, kneels, turns around on her knees, and fingers the lock. It pops open. She fingers a knife and uses it to slowly cut the rope around her wrists. It parts. She puts the metal crab net through the doors.
53. Simone turns to the radio next to the wheel, talks to the marine operator who tells her to turn on the running lights. She does. A white light from the mast spotlights the boat. A green light is on the right side and a red light is on the left side. A white stern light illuminates the water around the rear platform.
54. Ben notices the lights. As he kicks the doors, Simone says, “Operator, help. My husband is trying to kill me. There’s a gun on the boat…….somewhere.”
55. Intercut between Ben and Simone. He sees her through a hatch, and starts shooting. She’s talking to the marine operator but has to drop the microphone and run.
56. Simone climbs above the door as Ben shoots through the crab net handle. It splits and he opens the doors. She conks him on the head with a fire extinguisher and he falls back into the cabin onto Marcie.
57. The fire extinguisher rolls off the deck, through the railing, and disappears into the sea.
58. Simone shuts the doors again. She grabs a padlock from the tackle box and padlocks the doors.
59. She calls the marine operator again. The Coast Guard will be there in 10 min. Simone says, “I could be dead by then.”
60. Marcie shoots through the doors. Simone climbs to the bow. Marcie sees her, tells her Ben wants to apologize. Simone says, “I know you own the boat.” Marcie says the CG isn’t coming.
61. Simone calls the marine operator again, “send the CG”.
62. Shots come through the cabin doors. One grazes Simone, hitting in her left calf. Blood pours down her leg.
63. Ben’s head pops through the ceiling hatch. He sees Simone and shoots through the doors again, hitting the radio, which smolders. Simone climbs back on the upper deck. The radio is on fire.
64. Marcie sees the fire. Simone, toward the bow, turns, creeps back to the open hatch, and kicks the back of Marcie’s head, forcing her inside, then closes the hatch and stands on it’s edge. Shots go through it. Simone jumps back. The hatch pops open.
65. Ben aims the gun at Simone, tells her to open the doors. She ducks in front of the doors where he can’t see her, spots the tackle box, grabs a big wrench, leaps up, and hits Ben on the head with the wrench.
66. Ben, gun in hand, falls into the cabin on top of Marcie. The gun hits her head. Both lie in a pile on the cabin floor.
67. Flames reach a canvas tarp covering the narrow deck under the starboard railing. The canvas catches on fire and the flames spread along the right side. Simone opens a storage box to the left of the cabin doors. She grabs a towel and tries to put out the flames but the towel catches on fire so she throws it overboard. A coil of rope on the deck catches fire.
68. Simone backs away from the flames and climbs onto the cabin roof. She walks along the railing until she is at the bow.
69. The flames along the tarp grow higher.
70. The mainsail edge blackens, smolders, then catches fire.
71. Simone holds onto the bow railing and stares into the depths. “I love you Josh.”
72. The CG arrives and extinguishes the flames. Ben and Marcie are handcuffed. The sailboat is towed to shore. The duo are jailed.
73. They go in front of a judge. Marcie confesses, “He was gonna con her out of her house like his other wives.” The judge tells Ben, “You gave your wife a passport to peril.”
74. On an airliner, Simone sits next to a handsome French man. Two glasses of red wine are on the tray between them. “I divorced Ben a year ago. It’s taken this long to sell his condos. Versailles first or maybe the Louvre?” The man speaks, “Both are national treasures.” Simone: “My grandmother named me. She grew up on Guadeloupe and always wanted me to see Paris.” Man, “I’d love to see the Louvre again. I’m free on Friday.” She sips her wine and laughs. “Friday will be perfect.”
75. CLOSE ON: A PASSPORT STICKING OUT OF HER BAG.
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Kathy Gives Great Clues!
“What I learned is I have clues built in. ”
OC = overt clue
CC = covert clue
1. The first scene shows Ben’s ex-wife, Betsy Conner, in a wheelchair at the airport, checking in for a flight to Portugal. We see her name on her passport. She tells both the gate agent and Simone that she is not coming back. (OC) She has a cast on her left leg. On the way to security, she drops her passport and Simone, who is there to greet Ben, picks it up. Simone doesn’t see her name on the passport.
2. Ben, a business associate, charms Simone into having dinner with him.
3. Ben takes her to the botanic garden.
4. Ben looks at her house, an expansive MCM on a big lot worth over a million.
5. He takes Simone and her son Josh to a nice Italian restaurant.
6. 6 months later he proposes and she accepts. ( inciting incident) (CC)
7. He has her sign a pre-nup. He tells Simone it’s about his business but he has added a sentence that says if she dies before Josh is 18, then Ben gets the house so he can care for him. (CC)
8. On the honeymoon, Simone finds a cryptic note of Ben’s, “call M about closing”. (CC) Ben says it’s nothing but it is a note about a past house closing that he did with Marcie.
9. Josh thinks Ben is buttering him up since he is always so nice.
10. Simone talks to her friend Beth about finding a mortgage statement. Ben and Betsy Conner are on the loan. Simone knows that Ben lied to her about the closing. (OC)
11. Ben and Simone have a fight. (CC)
12. Ben secretly rips up her will. (OC)
13. They go to Thanksgiving dinner at his cousin Emily’s who tells Simone that Ben was a bully as a child and had 2 short previous marriages. Two marriages and 2 divorces in 2 years. ( turning point one, a major twist) (OC)
14. They talk about taxes. Simone kneels at his feet. Ben says he will pay them.
15. They go to a convention on the Ga. coast. Simone is tired so she goes to sleep. Ben meets Marcie, his lover, who tells Ben that she will take care of Simone. ( page 36) (OC)
16. Marcie hits Simone with a metal tennis racquet. Simone falls, has a concussion, needs stitches, remembers nothing. (OC)
17. Back home, Ben leaves and doesn’t give Simone any money.
18. Beth suggests that Simone investigate Ben.
19. Simone drives to Savannah and surprises Ben in his office. He scrambles to hide Marcie’s photo. After Simone leaves, he calls Marcie and tells her to get her stuff out of his condo.
20. Beth finds the ex-wives, calls Simone. Simone finds out that Ben lied to her. His first wife didn’t die. She is the lady in a wheelchair that Simone met at the airport. (pg.48) (OC)
21. In Ben’s condo, Simone finds a gun. Ben aims it at her and pulls the trigger. It isn’t loaded. He scares her.
22. While Simone sleeps, Ben meets Marcie. He tells her about the pre-nup. Marcie says Simone could be in an accident. (CC)
23. Simone wakes up, rummages through Ben’s desk, takes 2 CD’s. Simone tours Savannah the next day. Tells Beth she found 2 CD’s.
(added another scene where Ben loosens the bolts on Simone’s car. Car goes off the road on the way home. (CC) Simone OK, thinks the mechanic accidentally didn’t tighten the bolts at her last wheel alignment.)
24. Back home, Beth opens the CD’s. They find AmEx bills for expensive restaurants, women’s phone numbers and pictures of their houses. The women think that Ben has been having many affairs. (midpoint: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.) (OC)
25. Simone cuts up Ben’s clothes.
26. Simone and Beth call a woman’s number. Rhonda Stevens tells them that Ben tried to get her house as a wedding present. (OC)
27. They call Ben’s ex-wife, Nancy Edwards, who lives in Atlanta. They drive to her house. Nancy tells them that Ben conned her out of her house and threatened her father. (OC)
28. Beth says Ben has 2 personalities and needs a doctor.
29. Simone and Beth confront Ben, tell him they know about his women, tell him he goes to therapy or Simone divorces him.
30. Marcie tells Ben that she has a plan that will speed things up. (CC)
31. Ben and Simone argue in the therapist’s office. Ben apologizes to Simone.
32. Montage of Ben and Simone sleeping apart, talking to the therapist.
33. A month later, a car, driven by a woman in a red dress, grazes Simone. (TURNING POINT 2: Major setback, lowest of the low, pg. 70) Beth meets her in the hospital. Simone tells Beth she saw a woman driving who wore a red dress. The detective says the car was stolen, is registered to a man in Atlanta. (CC)
34. Ben takes Simone to a fancy restaurant and apologizes. Says all the women were before her and that he loves her. (CC)
35. Simone tells Beth that the car was stolen and hasn’t been found yet. She says Ben is a changed man, he’s putting money into their account, that Ben’s wife Betsy was crazy. Wife #2 Nancy lied to get back at him and her dad wasn’t threatened, he says crazy stuff, has Altzheimers.
36. Ben wants Simone to visit him in Savannah. Beth is worried. Simone says, “It’s a tour? What could go wrong?”
37. Simone, without a cast, meets Ben at the Savannah airport. He calls Marcie, tells her the cast is gone. She says she’ll deal with Simone.(CC)
38. Ben tells Simone that the boat is not a tour boat, it is a friend’s boat. He doesn’t tell her Marcie is the owner.
39. At the marina, Simone sees “HASHTAG”, a 35 foot sailboat with a mast, 7 small windows, a deck with benches, and a large wooden wheel for steering. A hatch leads to the main cabin. Chrome railing encircles the vessel. On board, Simone meets Marcie, who Ben introduces as a colleague. Marcie says, “I’m sure we’ll become great friends“, which is a lie.
40. They cast off and motor into the Wilmington River. Simone goes into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her she is not on a tour, is sailing to St. Simons Island, and Marcie is on the boat. Beth is worried, tells Simone to call her when she gets to St. Simons.
41. Ben hoists the mainsail up. When it is full of wind, Marcie spins the wheel. The sail deflates. Ben swings the boom and the boat veers to the left. Simone screams, grabbing the railing as she falls. The boom narrowly misses her head. (OC) Ben secures the boom rigging to a cleat, says “nice jibe,” to Marcie.
42. Simone goes into the cabin, finds a first aid kit, bandages her knee, sips a beer, finds a gun in a cabinet. Looks in a bin, finds makeup, a bra, panties, and a red dress, looks in another bin, finds a logbook for the boat, opens it, Marcie’s name is on the first page as the owner. (OC)
43. Simone calls Beth but no answer. Simone goes up to the deck. Waits for sunset.
44. Simone goes back into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her that Marcie owns the boat and spun the wheel, almost knocking her down. Beth says to get off the boat asap, doesn’t trust either Ben or Marcie.(CC)
45. After dinner Ben walks off with Marcie, who wears a red dress, leaving Simone alone to shop.
46. Back on the boat, Simone drops her shopping bags and calls Beth who says she is nervous about the gun, asks “who owns it?” Simone agrees to get a hotel room.
47. Simone packs her bag and sees that the gun is missing. She’s looking for it as Ben and Marcie stagger onto the deck. Ben comes into the cabin. (start of the CLIMAX) He’s drunk, starts a fight, binds Simone’s hands, socks her. She plays dead. (OC)
48. He grabs her cell and goes up the steps. Back on the deck, he tosses her phone overboard. Ben starts releasing the lines. Marcie’s afraid of getting caught. Ben starts the engine and they move away from the dock. He stomps back downstairs to the cabin.
49. Simone plays dead. Ben and Marcie head to the bedroom and shut the door. Simone tries to free her hands then heads up to the deck.
50. Simone elbows the hatch doors shut. She spots the tackle box, kneels, turns around on her knees, and fingers the lock. It pops open. She fingers a knife and uses it to slowly cut the rope around her wrists. It parts. She puts the metal crab net through the doors.
51. Simone turns to the radio next to the wheel, talks to the marine operator who tells her to turn on the running lights. She does. A white light from the mast spotlights the boat. A green light is on the right side and a red light is on the left side. A white stern light illuminates the water around the rear platform.
52. Ben notices the lights. As he kicks the doors, Simone says, “Operator, help. My husband is trying to kill me. There’s a gun on the boat…….somewhere.” (OC)
53. Intercut between Ben and Simone. He sees her through a hatch, and starts shooting. She’s talking to the marine operator but has to drop the microphone and run.
54. Simone climbs above the door as Ben shoots through the crab net handle. It splits and he opens the doors. She conks him on the head with a fire extinguisher and he falls back into the cabin onto Marcie.
55. The fire extinguisher rolls off the deck, through the railing, and disappears into the sea. (CC)
56. Simone shuts the doors again. She grabs a padlock from the tackle box and padlocks the doors.
57. She calls the marine operator again. The Coast Guard will be there in 10 min. Simone says, “I could be dead by then.” (CC)
58. Marcie shoots through the doors. Simone climbs to the bow. Marcie sees her, tells her Ben wants to apologize. Simone says, “I know you own the boat.” Marcie says the CG isn’t coming.
59. Simone calls the marine operator again, “send the CG”.
60. Shots come through the cabin doors. One grazes Simone, hitting in her left calf. Blood pours down her leg.
61. Ben’s head pops through the ceiling hatch. He sees Simone and shoots through the doors again, hitting the radio, which smolders. Simone climbs back on the deck. The radio is on fire. (OC)
62. Marcie sees the fire. Simone, toward the bow, turns, creeps back to the open hatch, and kicks the back of Marcie’s head, forcing her inside, then closes the hatch and stands on it. Shots go through the ceiling hatch. Simone jumps back. The hatch pops open.
63. Ben aims the gun at Simone, tells her to open the doors. She ducks in front of the doors where he can’t see her, spots the tackle box, grabs a big wrench, leaps up, and hits Ben on the head with the wrench.
64. Ben, gun in hand, falls into the cabin on top of Marcie. The gun hits her head. Both lie in a pile on the cabin floor.
65. Flames reach a canvas tarp covering the narrow deck under the starboard railing. The canvas catches on fire and the flames spread along the right side. Simone opens a storage box to the left of the cabin doors. She grabs a towel and tries to put out the flames but the towel catches on fire so she throws it overboard. A coil of rope on the deck catches fire. (OC)
66. Simone backs away from the flames and climbs onto the cabin roof. She walks along the railing until she is at the bow.
67. The flames along the tarp grow higher.
68. The mainsail edge blackens, smolders, then catches fire. (OC)
69. Simone holds onto the bow railing and stares into the depths. “I love you Josh.”
70. The CG arrives and extinguishes the flames. Ben and Marcie are handcuffed. The sailboat is towed to shore. The duo are jailed.
71. They go in front of a judge. Marcie confesses, “He was gonna con her out of her house like his other wives.” The judge tells Ben, “You gave your wife a passport to peril.”
72. On an airliner, Simone sits next to a handsome French man. Two glasses of red wine are on the tray between them. “I divorced Ben a year ago. It’s taken this long to sell his condos. Versailles first or maybe the Louvre?” The man speaks, “Both are national treasures.” Simone: “My grandmother named me. She grew up on Guadeloupe and always wanted me to see Paris.” Man, “I’d love to see the Louvre again. I’m free on Friday.” She sips her wine and laughs. “Friday will be perfect.”
73. CLOSE ON: A PASSPORT STICKING OUT OF HER BAG.
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Kathy’s Dramatic Reveals
What I learned is I can add in another plot twist at any time. I may add another. My reveals work.
ASSIGNMENT:
A. What is the reveal?
B. How did it get covered up?
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?
D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.
1. The first scene shows Ben’s ex-wife, Betsy Conner, in a wheelchair at the airport, checking in for a flight to Portugal. We see her name on her passport. She tells both the gate agent and Simone that she is not coming back. She has a cast on her left leg. On the way to security, she drops her passport and Simone, who is there to greet Ben, picks it up. Simone doesn’t see her name on the passport.
A. What is the reveal? A woman is in a wheelchair, can’t walk, is injured.
B. How did it get covered up? She doesn’t say why she is hurt. The audience knows her name but Simone doesn’t.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? She warns Simone that it could happen to her. Why did she say this?
2. Ben, a business associate, charms Simone into having dinner with him.
3. Ben takes her to the botanic garden.
4. Ben looks at her house, an expansive MCM on a big lot worth over a million.
5. He takes Simone and her son Josh to a nice Italian restaurant.
6. 6 months later he proposes and she accepts. (inciting incident)
A. What is the reveal? Ben proposes.
B. How did it get covered up? He has a secret agenda.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Why did a man with the same last name as the lady in the wheelchair marry Simone?
7. He has her sign a pre-nup. He tells Simone it’s about his business but he has added a sentence that says if she dies before Josh is 18, then Ben gets the house so he can care for him.
8. On the honeymoon, Simone finds a cryptic note of Ben’s, “call M about closing”. Ben says it’s nothing but it is a note about a past house closing that he did with Marcie.
9. Josh thinks Ben is buttering him up since he is always so nice.
10. Simone talks to her friend Beth about finding a mortgage statement. Ben and Betsy Conner are on the loan. Simone knows that Ben lied to her about the closing.
A. What is the reveal? Simone finds the statement with both names on it.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben hid it.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Ben lied.
11. Ben and Simone have a fight.
12. Ben secretly rips up her will.
A. What is the reveal? Ben gets angry about Simone’s will.
B. How did it get covered up? Shows his hidden anger about the scheme to get her house, hasn’t worked.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
13. They go to Thanksgiving dinner at his cousin Emily’s who tells Simone that Ben was a bully as a child and had 2 short previous marriages. Two marriages and 2 divorces in 2 years. ( turning point one, a major twist)
A. What is the reveal? Ben had 2 previous marriages.
B. How did it get covered up? He lied.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Emily spills the beans.
14. They talk about taxes. Simone kneels at his feet. Ben says he will pay them.
15. They go to a convention on the Ga. coast. Simone is tired so she goes to sleep. Ben meets Marcie, his lover, who tells Ben that she will take care of Simone. ( page 36)
A. What is the reveal? Marcie is also in on the scheme.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben keeps her a secret. Marcie won’t meet Simone until act 3.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Audience knows but Simone doesn’t.
16. Marcie hits Simone with a metal tennis racquet. Simone falls, has a concussion, needs stitches, remembers nothing.
A. What is the reveal? Marcie injures Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? She will hurt Simone to get what she wants.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
17. Back home, Ben leaves and doesn’t give Simone any money.
18. Beth suggests that Simone investigate Ben.
19. Simone drives to Savannah and surprises Ben in his office. He scrambles to hide Marcie’s photo. After Simone leaves, he calls Marcie and tells her to get her stuff out of his condo.
20. Beth finds the ex-wives, calls Simone. Simone finds out that Ben lied to her. His first wife didn’t die. She is the lady in a wheelchair that Simone met at the airport. (pg.48)
A. What is the reveal? Beth finds the ex-wives.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied to Simone.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The lady left the country, but why?
21. In Ben’s condo, Simone finds a gun. Ben aims it at her and pulls the trigger. It isn’t loaded. He scares her.
A. What is the reveal? Ben can shoot Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? He won’t reveal his feelings.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
22. While Simone sleeps, Ben meets Marcie. He tells her about the pre-nup. Marcie says Simone could be in an accident.
A. What is the reveal? The pre-nup contents are revealed.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied to Simone.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Marcie plots violence
A. What is the reveal? Marcie is determined to get rid of Simone and get the money.
B. How did it get covered up? Marcie is Ben’s secret partner.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Will Marcie do it?
23. Simone wakes up, rummages through Ben’s desk, takes 2 CD’s. Simone tours Savannah the next day. Tells Beth she found 2 CD’s.
(added another scene where Ben loosens the bolts on Simone’s car. Car goes off the road on the way home. Simone OK, thinks the mechanic accidentally didn’t tighten the bolts at her last wheel alignment.)
24. Back home, Beth opens the CD’s. They find AmEx bills for expensive restaurants, women’s phone numbers and pictures of their houses. The women think that Ben has been having many affairs. (midpoint: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.)
A. What is the reveal? Women and houses are Ben’s goals.
B. How did it get covered up? He kept it a secret. Deception.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The women think Ben is having affairs, don’t think anything else.
25. Simone cuts up Ben’s clothes.
26. Simone and Beth call a woman’s number. Rhonda Stevens tells them that Ben tried to get her house as a wedding present.
A. What is the reveal? Houses are mixed up in the scheme.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben kept it secret.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Simone breaks down in tears. She still doesn’t believe that Ben is such a bad husband.
27. They call Ben’s ex-wife, Nancy Edwards, who lives in Atlanta. They drive to her house. Nancy tells them that Ben conned her out of her house and threatened her father.
A. What is the reveal? Ben is worse than they thought.
B. How did it get covered up? They didn’t know Nancy. Ben kept it a secret.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Did Ben really do these things?
28. Beth says Ben has 2 personalities and needs a doctor.
29. Simone and Beth confront Ben, tell him they know about his women, tell him he goes to therapy or Simone divorces him.
A. What is the reveal? Now Ben knows that the women know.
B. How did it get covered up? They needed to do research.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The women give him an ultimatum.
30. Marcie tells Ben that she has a plan that will speed things up.
31. Ben and Simone argue in the therapist’s office. Ben apologizes to Simone.
32. Montage of Ben and Simone sleeping apart, talking to the therapist.
33. A month later, a car, driven by a woman in a red dress, grazes Simone. (TURNING POINT 2: Major setback, lowest of the low, pg. 70) Beth meets her in the hospital. Simone tells Beth she saw a woman driving who wore a red dress. The detective says the car was stolen, is registered to a man in Atlanta.
A. What is the reveal? Marcie really did hurt Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? Audience knows Marcie drove the car, Simone doesn’t.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Who is the driver?
34. Ben takes Simone to a fancy restaurant and apologizes. Says all the women were before her and that he loves her.
35. Simone tells Beth that the car was stolen and hasn’t been found yet. She says Ben is a changed man, he’s putting money into their account, that Ben’s wife Betsy was crazy. Wife #2 Nancy lied to get back at him and her dad wasn’t threatened, he says crazy stuff, has Altzheimers. Simone is delusional to the end.
36. Ben wants Simone to visit him in Savannah. Beth is worried. Simone says, “It’s a tour? What could go wrong?”
37. Simone, without a cast, meets Ben at the Savannah airport. He calls Marcie, tells her the cast is gone. She says she’ll deal with Simone.
38. Ben tells Simone that the boat is not a tour boat, it is a friend’s boat. He doesn’t tell her Marcie is the owner.
39. At the marina, Simone sees “HASHTAG”, a 35 foot sailboat with a mast, 7 small windows, a deck with benches, and a large wooden wheel for steering. A hatch leads to the main cabin. Chrome railing encircles the vessel. On board, Simone meets Marcie, who Ben introduces as a colleague. Marcie says, “I’m sure we’ll become great friends“, which is a lie.
40. They cast off and motor into the Wilmington River. Simone goes into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her she is not on a tour, is sailing to St. Simons Island, and Marcie is on the boat. Beth is worried, tells Simone to call her when she gets to St. Simons.
41. Ben hoists the mainsail up. When it is full of wind, Marcie spins the wheel. The sail deflates. Ben swings the boom and the boat veers to the left. Simone screams, grabbing the railing as she falls. The boom narrowly misses her head. Ben secures the boom rigging to a cleat, says “nice jibe,” to Marcie.
A. What is the reveal? Marcie continues to try to hurt Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? She doesn’t say why she wants to.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
42. Simone goes into the cabin, finds a first aid kit, bandages her knee, sips a beer, finds a gun in a cabinet. Looks in a bin, finds makeup, a bra, panties, and a red dress, looks in another bin, finds a logbook for the boat, opens it, Marcie’s name is on the first page as the owner.
A. What is the reveal? Marcie owns the boat.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied to Simone.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Who owns the gun? Why did Ben lie about the boat?
43. Simone calls Beth but no answer. Simone goes up to the deck. Waits for sunset.
44. Simone goes back into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her that Marcie owns the boat and spun the wheel, almost knocking her down. Beth says to get off the boat asap, doesn’t trust either Ben or Marcie.
45. After dinner Ben walks off with Marcie, who wears a red dress, leaving Simone alone to shop.
46. Back on the boat, Simone drops her shopping bags and calls Beth who says she is nervous about the gun, asks “who owns it?” Simone agrees to get a hotel room.
47. Simone packs her bag and sees that the gun is missing. She’s looking for it as Ben and Marcie stagger onto the deck. Ben comes into the cabin. (start of the CLIMAX) He’s drunk, starts a fight, binds Simone’s hands, socks her. She plays dead.
A. What is the reveal? Ben will hurt Simone.
B. How did it get covered up? He hasn’t hit her before. This is unexpected behavior.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
48. He grabs her cell and goes up the steps. Back on the deck, he tosses her phone overboard. Ben starts releasing the lines. Marcie’s afraid of getting caught. Ben starts the engine and they move away from the dock. He stomps back downstairs to the cabin.
49. Simone plays dead. Ben and Marcie head to the bedroom and shut the door. Simone tries to free her hands then heads up to the deck.
50. Simone elbows the hatch doors shut. She spots the tackle box, kneels, turns around on her knees, and fingers the lock. It pops open. She fingers a knife and uses it to slowly cut the rope around her wrists. It parts. She puts the metal crab net through the doors.
51. Simone turns to the radio next to the wheel, talks to the marine operator who tells her to turn on the running lights. She does. A white light from the mast spotlights the boat. A green light is on the right side and a red light is on the left side. A white stern light illuminates the water around the rear platform.
52. Ben notices the lights. As he kicks the doors, Simone says, “Operator, help. My husband is trying to kill me. There’s a gun on the boat…….somewhere.”
A. What is the reveal? Simone finally admits Ben is trying to kill her.
B. How did it get covered up? She has been in denial.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? violence
53. Intercut between Ben and Simone. He sees her through a hatch, and starts shooting. She’s talking to the marine operator but has to drop the microphone and run.
54. Simone climbs above the door as Ben shoots through the crab net handle. It splits and he opens the doors. She conks him on the head with a fire extinguisher and he falls back into the cabin onto Marcie.
55. The fire extinguisher rolls off the deck, through the railing, and disappears into the sea.
56. Simone shuts the doors again. She grabs a padlock from the tackle box and padlocks the doors.
57. She calls the marine operator again. The Coast Guard will be there in 10 min. Simone says, “I could be dead by then.”
58. Marcie shoots through the doors. Simone climbs to the bow. Marcie sees her, tells her Ben wants to apologize. Simone says, “I know you own the boat.” Marcie says the CG isn’t coming.
59. Simone calls the marine operator again, “send the CG”.
60. Shots come through the cabin doors. One grazes Simone, hitting in her left calf. Blood pours down her leg.
61. Ben’s head pops through the ceiling hatch. He sees Simone and shoots through the doors again, hitting the radio, which smolders. Simone climbs back on the deck. The radio is on fire.
62. Marcie sees the fire. Simone, toward the bow, turns, creeps back to the open hatch, and kicks the back of Marcie’s head, forcing her inside, then closes the hatch and stands on it’s edge. Shots go through the ceiling hatch. Simone jumps back. The hatch pops open.
63. Ben aims the gun at Simone, tells her to open the doors. She ducks in front of the doors where he can’t see her, spots the tackle box, grabs a big wrench, leaps up, and hits Ben on the head with the wrench.
64. Ben, gun in hand, falls into the cabin on top of Marcie. The gun hits her head. Both lie in a pile on the cabin floor.
65. Flames reach a canvas tarp covering the narrow deck under the starboard railing. The canvas catches on fire and the flames spread along the right side. Simone opens a storage box to the left of the cabin doors. She grabs a towel and tries to put out the flames but the towel catches on fire so she throws it overboard. A coil of rope on the deck catches fire.
66. Simone backs away from the flames and climbs onto the cabin roof. She walks along the railing until she is at the bow.
67. The flames along the tarp grow higher.
68. The mainsail edge blackens, smolders, then catches fire.
69. Simone holds onto the bow railing and stares into the depths. “I love you Josh.”
70. The CG arrives and extinguishes the flames. Ben and Marcie are handcuffed. The sailboat is towed to shore. The duo are jailed.
71. They go in front of a judge. Marcie confesses, “He was gonna con her out of her house like his other wives.” The judge tells Ben, “You gave your wife a passport to peril.”
A. What is the reveal? The scheme is revealed.
B. How did it get covered up? Ben lied throughout the whole marriage.
C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? Ben and Marcie finally get what they deserve: jail.
72. On an airliner, Simone sits next to a handsome French man. Two glasses of red wine are on the tray between them. “I divorced Ben a year ago. It’s taken this long to sell his condos. Versailles first or maybe the Louvre?” The man speaks, “Both are national treasures.” Simone: “My grandmother named me. She grew up on Guadeloupe and always wanted me to see Paris.” Man, “I’d love to see the Louvre again. I’m free on Friday.” She sips her wine and laughs. “Friday will be perfect.”
73. CLOSE ON: A PASSPORT STICKING OUT OF HER BAG.
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Kathy’s Trust Relationships
What I learned doing this assignment is that I have trust issues built in.”
Create trust / distrust relationships between your characters and add them to your Thriller Map.
1. Make a list of the main characters.
Hero: Simone
Villain: Ben
Red Herring Character: Marcie
Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Ben
Isn’t trusted, but should be: Simone since Ben doesn’t trust Simone.
2. With each character, ask these questions:
Simone:
A. What is their basic state — trustable or not trustable? trustable
B. How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable? Not applicable for this character.
C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other? Will never be not trustable.
Ben:
A. What is their basic state — trustable or not trustable? Not trustable
B. How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable? Appears trustable to Simone so she marries him.
C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other? Will never be trustable.
Marcie:
A. What is their basic state — trustable or not trustable? Not trustable
B. How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable? Appears trustable to Ben but really isn’t, is selfish, wants Ben and the money for herself.
C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other? When she’s in danger, she turns on Ben.
Beth:
A. What is their basic state — trustable or not trustable? trustable
B. How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable? Not applicable for this character.
C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other? Not applicable for this character.
3. With each character relationship, brainstorm how trust or distrust might show up between them.
Hero / Villain: Simone/Ben
Ben is a handsome charming con man. He partners with Marcie to find women who are recently divorced and have expensive houses. He finds Simone and marries her. She trusts him until the end.
Simone marries Ben.
Simone signs a pre-nup which contains a hidden sentence.
She believes his lie about the note.
She believes his lie about playing tennis.
Red Herring Character: Simone/Marcie
Simone doesn’t know about Marcie, Ben’s secret partner/lover. Only meets her in the 3rd act.
Marcie runs down Simone with a car.
Marcie hits Simone with a tennis racquet.
Marcie hits Simone with the sailboat boom.
Marcie lies about the Coast Guard not coming.
Marcie shoots Simone.
Hero / Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Simone/Ben
Ben is a handsome charming con man. He partners with Marcie to find women who are recently divorced and have expensive houses. He finds Simone and marries her. She trusts him until the end but she shouldn’t have.
Ben fights with Simone.
Ben aims his gun at her.
Ben socks Simone on the boat.
Ben shoots at Simone on the boat
Hero / Isn’t trusted, but should be: not applicable
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Kathy’s Twists and Turns
What I learned doing this assignment is that my script has many twists and turns.
Twists are in parentheses.
V=Villain’s plan
M=Mystery
LT=Life Threatening
OPENING: Ben’s ex-wife checks in at the airport. She’s leaving the country. (M) She drops her passport and Simone picks it up. She tells Simone, “I was in danger. You could be too.” (M,LT, consequences) Simone is at the airport to meet Ben, a business associate.
Ben charms Simone into having dinner with him. ( new options)
Ben takes her to the botanic garden.
Ben looks at her house, an expansive MCM on a big lot worth over a million.
He takes Simone and her son Josh to a nice Italian restaurant.
INCITING INCIDENT: Six months later, Ben proposes and she accepts.( solution makes things worse)
Ben has her sign a pre-nup. He tells Simone it’s about his business but he has added a sentence that says if she dies before Josh is 18, then Ben gets the house so he can care for him. (V, solution gets worse)
On the honeymoon, Simone finds a cryptic note of Ben’s, “call M about closing”. (M, new problem) Ben says it’s nothing but it is a note about a past house closing that he did with Marcie. (V)
Josh thinks Ben is buttering him up since he is always so nice. (V)
Simone talks to her friend Beth about finding a mortgage statement. Ben and Betsy Conner are on the loan. (M) Simone knows that Ben lied to her about the closing. (V, a lie is uncovered)
Ben and Simone have a fight. (LT, unexpected side of Ben)
Ben secretly rips up her will. (V, violates her trust)
TURNING POINT 1: They go to Thanksgiving dinner at his cousin’s where she tells Simone that Ben was a bully as a child. And that he had 2 short previous marriages. Two marriages and 2 divorces in 2 years. (M,V, lies uncovered, secret identity uncovered)
They talk about taxes. Simone kneels at his feet. Ben says he will pay them. (changes sides)
They go to a convention on the Ga. coast. Simone is tired so she goes to sleep. Ben meets Marcie, his lover, who tells Ben that she will take care of Simone. (V, got more dangerous)
Marcie hits Simone with a metal tennis racquet. (LT, more danger) Simone falls, has a concussion, needs stitches, remembers nothing. (V)
Back home, Ben leaves and doesn’t give Simone any money. (V, lost resources)
Beth suggests that Simone investigate Ben. (M, new options)
Simone drives to Savannah and surprises Ben in his office. He scrambles to hide Marcie’s photo. After Simone leaves, he calls Marcie and tells her to get her stuff out of his condo. (V, new problem)
Beth finds the ex-wives, calls Simone. Simone finds out that Ben lied to her. His first wife didn’t die. (V, lie uncovered) She is the lady in a wheelchair that Simone met at the airport. (M, secret identity uncovered)
In Ben’s condo, Simone finds a gun. Ben aims it at her and pulls the trigger. It isn’t loaded. He scares her. (LT, see an unexpected side of Ben)
While Simone sleeps, Ben meets Marcie. He tells her about the pre-nup. (V) Marcie says Simone could be in an accident. (LT, more danger)
Simone wakes up, rummages through Ben’s desk, takes 2 CD’s. Simone tours Savannah the next day. Tells Beth she found 2 CD’s. (M, new options)
MIDPOINT: Back home, Beth opens the CD’s. (M, secret identity revealed) They find AmEx bills for expensive restaurants, women’s phone numbers and pictures of their houses. The women think that Ben has been having many affairs. (A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.)
Simone cuts up Ben’s clothes. (new consequences)
Simone and Beth call a woman’s number. (M) Rhonda Stevens tells them that Ben tried to get her house as a wedding present. ( secret identity uncovered)
They call Ben’s ex-wife, Nancy Edwards, who lives in Atlanta. (M) They drive to her house. Nancy tells them that Ben conned her out of her house and threatened her father. (LT, secret identity uncovered)
Beth says Ben has 2 personalities (M) and needs a doctor. ( new options)
Simone and Beth confront Ben, tell him they know about his women so he goes to therapy or Simone divorces him. ( new consequences)
Marcie tells Ben that she has a plan that will speed things up.(V, more danger)
Ben and Simone argue in the therapist’s office. Ben apologizes to Simone.(V), unexpected side of Ben)
Montage of Ben and Simone sleeping apart, talking to the therapist ( new options)
TURNING POINT 2: A month later, a car, driven by a woman in a red dress, grazes Simone. (M, V, danger) She falls and has a broken elbow. (Major setback.)
Ben takes Simone to a fancy restaurant and apologizes. Says all the women were before her and that he loves her. (V)
Simone tells Beth that the car was stolen and hasn’t been found yet. (M) She says Ben is a changed man, he’s putting money into their account, that Ben’s wife Betsy was crazy. Wife #2 Nancy lied to get back at him and her dad wasn’t threatened, he says crazy stuff, has Altzheimers. (changes sides, unexpected side)
Ben wants Simone to visit him in Savannah. Beth is worried. Simone says, “It’s a tour? What could go wrong?”(V, new options)
Simone, without a cast, meets Ben at the Savannah airport. He calls Marcie, tells her the cast is gone. She says she’ll deal with Simone. (V, LT, danger)
Ben tells Simone that the boat is not a tour boat, it is a friend’s boat. He doesn’t tell her Marcie is the owner. (V, new problem)
At the marina, Simone sees “HASHTAG”, a 35 foot sailboat. Onboard, Simone meets Marcie, who Ben introduces as a colleague. Marcie says, “I’m sure we’ll become great friends“, which is a lie. (V, new problem)
They cast off and motor into the Wilmington River. Simone goes into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her she is not on a tour, is sailing to St. Simons Island, and Marcie is on the boat. Beth is worried, tells Simone to call her when she gets to St. Simons.(M, lost resources)
Ben hoists the mainsail up. When it is full of wind, Marcie spins the wheel. The sail deflates. Ben swings the boom and the boat veers to the left. Simone screams, grabbing the railing as she falls. The boom narrowly misses her head. (LT) Ben secures the boom rigging to a cleat, says “nice jibe,” to Marcie. (V, danger)
Simone goes into the cabin, finds a first aid kit, bandages her knee, sips a beer, finds a gun in a cabinet. (M,LT, danger) Looks in a bin, finds makeup, a bra, panties, and a red dress, (M) looks in another bin, finds a logbook for the boat, opens it, Marcie’s name is on the first page as the owner. (V, secret identity uncovered) Simone calls Beth but no answer. Simone goes up to the deck. Waits for sunset. (M)
Simone goes back into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her that Marcie owns the boat and spun the wheel, almost knocking her down. (M,LT, danger) Beth says to get off the boat asap, doesn’t trust either Ben or Marcie.
After dinner Ben walks off with Marcie, who wears a red dress, (M, secret identity) leaving Simone alone to shop.
Back on the boat, Simone drops her shopping bags and calls Beth who says she is nervous about the gun, asks “who owns it?” (M,LT, danger) Simone agrees to get a hotel room. ( something planned doesn’t happen)
Simone packs her bag and sees that the gun is missing. (M,LT, danger)
CLIMAX: Ben attacks Simone on a burning sailboat. (LT, danger)
She’s looking for the gun as Ben and Marcie stagger onto the deck. Ben comes into the cabin. He’s drunk, starts a fight (new problem), binds Simone’s hands, socks her. (V,LT, danger) She plays dead.
He grabs her cell and goes up the steps. Back on the deck, he tosses her phone overboard. (new problem) Ben starts releasing the lines. Marcie’s afraid of getting caught. Ben starts the engine and they move away from the dock. (new problem) He stomps back downstairs to the cabin.
Simone plays dead. (M) Ben and Marcie head to the bedroom and shut the door. (V) Simone tries to free her hands then heads up to the deck. ( new options)
Simone elbows the hatch doors shut. She spots the tackle box, kneels, turns around on her knees, and fingers the lock. It pops open. She fingers a knife and uses it to slowly cut the rope around her wrists. It parts. She puts the metal crab net through the doors. ( new options)
Simone turns to the radio next to the wheel, talks to the marine operator who tells her to turn on the running lights. She does. A white light from the mast spotlights the boat. A green light is on the right side and a red light is on the left side. A white stern light illuminates the water around the rear platform. ( new options)
Ben notices the lights. As he kicks the doors( unexpected), Simone says, “Operator, help. My husband is trying to kill me. (LT, danger) There’s a gun on the boat…….somewhere.” (M, LT)
Intercut between Ben and Simone. He sees her through a hatch, and starts shooting. (V, LT, unexpected side, violates trust, danger)She’s talking to the marine operator but has to drop the microphone and run.
Simone climbs above the door as Ben shoots through the crab net handle. (LT, danger) It splits and he opens the doors. (V) She conks him on the head with a fire extinguisher and he falls back into the cabin onto Marcie.
The fire extinguisher rolls off the deck, through the railing, and disappears into the sea. (M, worse thing to happen)
Simone shuts the doors again. She grabs a padlock from the tackle box and padlocks the doors.
She calls the marine operator again. The Coast Guard will be there in 10 min. Simone says, “I could be dead by then.” (M, LT, new option)
Marcie shoots through the doors. (LT, secret identity, danger) Simone climbs to the bow. Marcie sees her, tells her Ben wants to apologize. Simone says, “I know you own the boat.” Marcie says the CG isn’t coming. (secret identity, M,LT)
Simone calls the marine operator again, “send the CG”.
Shots come through the cabin doors. (LT, danger) One grazes Simone, hitting in her left calf. Blood pours down her leg. (worse thing happens)
Ben’s head pops through the ceiling hatch. He sees Simone and shoots through the doors again,(LT, danger) hitting the radio, which smolders. Simone climbs back on the cabin roof. The radio is on fire. (LT, worse thing happens)
Marcie sees the fire. Simone, toward the bow, turns, creeps back to the open hatch, and kicks the back of Marcie’s head, forcing her inside, then closes the hatch and stands on it’s edge. Shots go through the ceiling hatch. (LT, danger) Simone jumps back. The hatch pops open.
Ben aims the gun at Simone,(V,LT, unexpected) tells her to open the doors. She ducks in front of the doors where he can’t see her, spots the tackle box, grabs a big wrench, leaps up, and hits Ben on the head with the wrench.
Ben, gun in hand, falls into the cabin on top of Marcie. The gun hits her head. Both lie in a pile on the cabin floor.
(LT scene) Flames reach a canvas tarp covering the narrow deck under the starboard railing. The canvas catches on fire and the flames spread along the right side. Simone opens a storage box to the left of the cabin doors. She grabs a towel and tries to put out the flames but the towel catches on fire so she throws it overboard. A coil of rope on the deck catches fire.
Simone backs away from the flames and climbs onto the cabin roof. She walks along the railing until she is at the bow.
The flames along the tarp grow higher. (more LT)
The edge of the mainsail starts to blacken, smolder, then catches fire. (most LT, worse thing possible happens, sail’s on fire)
Simone holds onto the bow railing and stares into the depths. “I love you Josh.”
The CG arrives and extinguishes the flames. Ben and Marcie are handcuffed. The sailboat is towed to shore. The duo are put in jail.
RESOLUTION: Simone is rescued by the Coast Guard. (new options) Ben and Marcie are jailed. ( new consequences) Simone sells Ben’s condos, gets on a plane to Paris. (new options) She sits next to a Frenchman who asks her to see the Louvre with him. (new options) Her passport sticks out of her bag.
.
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Kathy’s Thriller Plot!
“What I learned is I can put my protagonist into more danger.”
V=Villain’s plan
M=Mystery
LT=Life Threatening
OPENING: Ben’s ex-wife checks in at the airport. She’s leaving the country. (M) She drops her passport and Simone picks it up. She tells Simone, “I was in danger. You could be too.” (M,LT) Simone is at the airport to meet Ben, a business associate.
Ben charms Simone into having dinner with him.
Ben takes her to the botanic garden.
Ben looks at her house, an expansive MCM on a big lot worth over a million.
He takes Simone and her son Josh to a nice Italian restaurant.
INCITING INCIDENT: Six months later, Ben proposes and she accepts.
Ben has her sign a pre-nup. He tells Simone it’s about his business but he has added a sentence that says if she dies before Josh is 18, then Ben gets the house so he can care for him. (V)
On the honeymoon, Simone finds a cryptic note of Ben’s, “call M about closing”. (M) Ben says it’s nothing but it is a note about a past house closing that he did with Marcie. (V)
Josh thinks Ben is buttering him up since he is always so nice. (V)
Simone talks to her friend Beth about finding a mortgage statement. Ben and Betsy Conner are on the loan. (M) Simone knows that Ben lied to her about the closing. (V)
Ben and Simone have a fight. (LT)
Ben secretly rips up her will. (V)
TURNING POINT 1: They go to Thanksgiving dinner at his cousin’s where she tells Simone that Ben was a bully as a child. And that he had 2 short previous marriages. Two marriages and 2 divorces in 2 years. (M,V)
They talk about taxes. Simone kneels at his feet. Ben says he will pay them.
They go to a convention on the Ga. coast. Simone is tired so she goes to sleep. Ben meets Marcie, his lover, who tells Ben that she will take care of Simone. (V)
Marcie hits Simone with a metal tennis racquet. (LT) Simone falls, has a concussion, needs stitches, remembers nothing. (V)
Back home, Ben leaves and doesn’t give Simone any money. (V)
Beth suggests that Simone investigate Ben. (M)
Simone drives to Savannah and surprises Ben in his office. He scrambles to hide Marcie’s photo. After Simone leaves, he calls Marcie and tells her to get her stuff out of his condo. (V)
Beth finds the ex-wives, calls Simone. Simone finds out that Ben lied to her. His first wife didn’t die. (V) She is the lady in a wheelchair that Simone met at the airport. (M)
In Ben’s condo, Simone finds a gun. Ben aims it at her and pulls the trigger. It isn’t loaded. He scares her. (LT)
While Simone sleeps, Ben meets Marcie. He tells her about the pre-nup. (V) Marcie says Simone could be in an accident. (LT)
Simone wakes up, rummages through Ben’s desk, takes 2 CD’s. Simone tours Savannah the next day. Tells Beth she found 2 CD’s.(M)
MIDPOINT: Back home, Beth opens the CD’s. (M) They find AmEx bills for expensive restaurants, women’s phone numbers and pictures of their houses. The women think that Ben has been having many affairs. (A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.)
Simone cuts up Ben’s clothes.
Simone and Beth call a woman’s number. (M) Rhonda Stevens tells them that Ben tried to get her house as a wedding present.
They call Ben’s ex-wife, Nancy Edwards, who lives in Atlanta. (M) They drive to her house. Nancy tells them that Ben conned her out of her house and threatened her father. (LT)
Beth says Ben has 2 personalities (M) and needs a doctor.
Simone and Beth confront Ben, tell him they know about his women so he goes to therapy or Simone divorces him.
Marcie tells Ben that she has a plan that will speed things up.(V)
Ben and Simone argue in the therapist’s office. Ben apologizes to Simone.(V)
Montage of Ben and Simone sleeping apart, talking to the therapist
TURNING POINT 2: A month later, a car, driven by a woman in a red dress, grazes Simone. (M, V) She falls and has a broken elbow. (Major setback.)
Ben takes Simone to a fancy restaurant and apologizes. Says all the women were before her and that he loves her. (V)
Simone tells Beth that the car was stolen and hasn’t been found yet. (M) She says Ben is a changed man, he’s putting money into their account, that Ben’s wife Betsy was crazy. Wife #2 Nancy lied to get back at him and her dad wasn’t threatened, he says crazy stuff, has Altzheimers.
Ben wants Simone to visit him in Savannah. Beth is worried. Simone says, “It’s a tour? What could go wrong?”(V)
Simone, without a cast, meets Ben at the Savannah airport. He calls Marcie, tells her the cast is gone. She says she’ll deal with Simone. (V, LT)
Ben tells Simone that the boat is not a tour boat, it is a friend’s boat. He doesn’t tell her Marcie is the owner. (V)
At the marina, Simone sees “HASHTAG”, a 35 foot sailboat. Onboard, Simone meets Marcie, who Ben introduces as a colleague. Marcie says, “I’m sure we’ll become great friends“, which is a lie. (V)
They cast off and motor into the Wilmington River. Simone goes into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her she is not on a tour, is sailing to St. Simons Island, and Marcie is on the boat. Beth is worried, tells Simone to call her when she gets to St. Simons.(M)
Ben hoists the mainsail up. When it is full of wind, Marcie spins the wheel. The sail deflates. Ben swings the boom and the boat veers to the left. Simone screams, grabbing the railing as she falls. The boom narrowly misses her head. (LT) Ben secures the boom rigging to a cleat, says “nice jibe,” to Marcie. (V)
Simone goes into the cabin, finds a first aid kit, bandages her knee, sips a beer, finds a gun in a cabinet. (M,LT) Looks in a bin, finds makeup, a bra, panties, and a red dress, (M) looks in another bin, finds a logbook for the boat, opens it, Marcie’s name is on the first page as the owner. (V)Simone calls Beth but no answer. Simone goes up to the deck. Waits for sunset. (M)
Simone goes back into the cabin, calls Beth, tells her that Marcie owns the boat and spun the wheel, almost knocking her down. (M,LT) Beth says to get off the boat asap, doesn’t trust either Ben or Marcie.
After dinner Ben walks off with Marcie, who wears a red dress, (M) leaving Simone alone to shop.
Back on the boat, Simone drops her shopping bags and calls Beth who says she is nervous about the gun, asks “who owns it?” (M,LT) Simone agrees to get a hotel room.
Simone packs her bag and sees that the gun is missing. (M,LT)
CLIMAX: Ben attacks Simone on a burning sailboat. (LT)
She’s looking for it as Ben and Marcie stagger onto the deck. Ben comes into the cabin. He’s drunk, starts a fight, binds Simone’s hands, socks her. (V,LT) She plays dead.
He grabs her cell and goes up the steps. Back on the deck, he tosses her phone overboard. Ben starts releasing the lines. Marcie’s afraid of getting caught. Ben starts the engine and they move away from the dock. He stomps back downstairs to the cabin. (V)
Simone plays dead. (M) Ben and Marcie head to the bedroom and shut the door. (V) Simone tries to free her hands then heads up to the deck.
Simone elbows the hatch doors shut. She spots the tackle box, kneels, turns around on her knees, and fingers the lock. It pops open. She fingers a knife and uses it to slowly cut the rope around her wrists. It parts. She puts the metal crab net through the doors.
Simone turns to the radio next to the wheel, talks to the marine operator who tells her to turn on the running lights. She does. A white light from the mast spotlights the boat. A green light is on the right side and a red light is on the left side. A white stern light illuminates the water around the rear platform.
Ben notices the lights. As he kicks the doors, Simone says, “Operator, help. My husband is trying to kill me. (LT) There’s a gun on the boat…….somewhere.” (M, LT)
Intercut between Ben and Simone. He sees her through a hatch, and starts shooting. (V, LT)She’s talking to the marine operator but has to drop the microphone and run.
Simone climbs above the door as Ben shoots through the crab net handle. (LT) It splits and he opens the doors. (V) She conks him on the head with a fire extinguisher and he falls back into the cabin onto Marcie.
The fire extinguisher rolls off the deck, through the railing, and disappears into the sea. (M)
Simone shuts the doors again. She grabs a padlock from the tackle box and padlocks the doors.
She calls the marine operator again. The Coast Guard will be there in 10 min. Simone says, “I could be dead by then.” (M. LT)
Marcie shoots through the doors. (LT) Simone climbs to the bow. Marcie sees her, tells her Ben wants to apologize. Simone says, “I know you own the boat.” Marcie says the CG isn’t coming. (M,LT)
Simone calls the marine operator again, “send the CG”.
Shots come through the cabin doors. (LT) One grazes Simone, hitting in her left calf. Blood pours down her leg.
Ben’s head pops through the ceiling hatch. He sees Simone and shoots through the doors again,(LT) hitting the radio, which smolders. Simone climbs back on the cabin roof. The radio is on fire. (LT)
Marcie sees the fire. Simone, toward the bow, turns, creeps back to the open hatch, and kicks the back of Marcie’s head, forcing her inside, then closes the hatch and stands on it’s edge. Shots go through the ceiling hatch. (LT) Simone jumps back. The hatch pops open.
Ben aims the gun at Simone,(V,LT) tells her to open the doors. She ducks in front of the doors where he can’t see her, spots the tackle box, grabs a big wrench, leaps up, and hits Ben on the head with the wrench.
Ben, gun in hand, falls into the cabin on top of Marcie. The gun hits her head. Both lie in a pile on the cabin floor.
(LT scene) Flames reach a canvas tarp covering the narrow deck under the starboard railing. The canvas catches on fire and the flames spread along the right side. Simone opens a storage box to the left of the cabin doors. She grabs a towel and tries to put out the flames but the towel catches on fire so she throws it overboard. A coil of rope on the deck catches fire.
Simone backs away from the flames and climbs onto the cabin roof. She walks along the railing until she is at the bow.
The flames along the tarp grow higher. (more LT)
The edge of the mainsail starts to blacken, smolder, then catches fire. (most LT)
Simone holds onto the bow railing and stares into the depths. “I love you Josh.”
The CG arrives and extinguishes the flames. Ben and Marcie are handcuffed. The sailboat is towed to shore. The duo are put in jail.
RESOLUTION: Simone is rescued by the Coast Guard. Ben and Marcie are jailed. Simone sells Ben’s condos, gets on a plane to Paris. She sits next to a Frenchman who asks her to see the Louvre with him. Her passport sticks out of her bag.
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Kathy’s Life Threatening Sequence
“What I learned is I can put my heroine in more danger throughout the script.”
What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the Hero in danger? Ben and Marcie find single women with expensive houses. They pick Simone because Ben works with her, sees her expensive house, decides she’ll be his next mark.
Ben’s coverups/lies:
lies to her on their honeymoon, about the note to Marcie
lies about a real estate contract, that Simone found shredded
lies about having 2 previous marriages, one wife was run over, the other’s father was threatened
lies about the pre-nup, he added a secret clause to get her house if she dies
lies about the ex-wives, they are not dead
lies about the boat, not his, is owned by Marcie
lies about Marcie on the boat, she is not a business associate with his company.
Beth worries about Simone after the accident and on the boat.
What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain?
1. On page 2, Simone is told by Ben’s ex-wife, “I was in danger. You could be too.”
2. After he marries her, Ben threatens Simone, chases her, bangs on her door, then rips up her will.
3. Marcie hits Simone on the head with a titanium tennis racquet. Simone hits the floor but survives with stitches and a concussion.
4. Ben aims his unloaded gun at Simone and fires it.
5. Someone (red herring) runs over Simone with a car but she survives with ONLY a broken elbow.
6. Marcie tries to hit Simone with the boom on the boat. Simone falls, cuts her knee, then goes down into the cabin where she finds out that Marcie owns the boat.
7. Ben socks Simone on the boat then ties her up.
8. After she escapes, Ben shoots at Simone who hits him with a fire extinguisher, knocks him out temporarily.
9. The fire extinguisher rolls off the deck and falls into the ocean.
10. Marcie shoots at Simone, grazing her calf.
11. Ben fires at Simone, hitting the radio which catches on fire.
12. Simone jumps on the upper deck, kicks Marcie’s head when she looks through a ceiling hatch.
13. Ben sticks his head out of the hatch, tracks Marcie with his gun.
14. Simone ducks in front of the doors then leaps up and hits Ben on the head with the wrench.
15. Simone is in danger as flames spread: Flames reach a canvas tarp covering the narrow deck under the starboard railing. The canvas catches on fire and the flames spread along the right side.
16. More danger: A coil of rope on the deck catches fire.
17. Even more danger: The flames along the tarp grow higher and are close to the mainsail.
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Kathy’s Mystery Sequence
Answer the question “What I learned is this is complex.”
The Mystery Sequence (Mystery)
What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up? Who is Ben? Ben is a handsome charming con man. He partners with Marcie to find women who are recently divorced and have expensive houses. He woos them, marries them, then cons them into putting his name on the deed. He has already done this twice. First wife was hit in a car accident, leaves the country. Second wife still in Atlanta but renting a small rundown house since he got her big house.
The first mystery must engage the Hero into solving it. Who is the woman in the wheelchair at the airport?
How many ways can they cover their secret?
Make a list of your main mysteries (cover ups) that must be solved to discover the final secret.
1. What is Ben hiding? Ben has already conned 2 women out of their houses.
2. What does Ben want? He partners with Marcie to find women who are recently divorced and have expensive houses. He woos them, marries them, then cons them into putting his name on the deed. Marcie is selfish but pragmatic. She knows she must help Ben to make any money.
3. Who drove the car that hit Simone? A lady in a red dress, a possible red herring.
4. Will Simone discover Ben’s coverups? She finds out that he lied to her on their honeymoon, lied about a real estate contract, lies about having 2 previous marriages, lies about a pre-nup with a secret clause, lies about the ex-wives, lies about the boat, lies about Marcie on the boat.
Ben and Marcie are partners in crime. Ben sleeps with Marcie in Savannah but is not in love with her. He just wants her help to get what he wants.
Simone is trusting to the end. She doesn’t believe that her new husband is a con man or at all dangerous.
1. Ben wants to marry a single woman in a big house.
2. Finds Simone
3. Romances Simone
4. Marries her
5. Tries to get his name on her house
6. Fails
7. Gets his partner Marcie to do his dirty work
a. A woman in a red dress hits Simone with a car, fractures her elbow
b. Marcie hits Simone with a tennis racquet at a resort
c. Marcie hits Simone with the sailboat boom
8. Ben socks Simone on the boat
9. Ben shoots at Simone on the boat
d. Marcie shoots at Simone on the boat but misses
( The boat catches on fire but all live. Ben and Marcie are jailed, Simone sells his condos, goes to Paris, which is the other bookend since she wistfully looked at a Paris poster in the first scenes.
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Kathy’s Villain Has a Great Plan!
“What I learned is that I have a good start.”
What is the end goal? What are they trying to accomplish or stop that is so valuable that they’ll go to any means to achieve the goal?
Ben’s goal is to sell Simone’s house and keep the money for himself and Marcie.
How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way? Brainstorm devious, dangerous, covert, and even disturbing ways your Villain could make all of this could happen.
Ben marries lonely single women who own expensive houses, gets control of their houses, divorces them, then sells their houses.
How can they cover it up? Ben is a handsome charming con man. He partners with Marcie to find women who are recently divorced and have expensive houses. He woos them, marries them, then cons them into putting his name on the deed. Marcie is his secret partner/lover.
Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible, starting with a first event that is dangerous.
The first scene shows Ben’s ex-wife in a wheelchair at the airport, checking in for a flight to Portugal. We see her name on her passport. She tells both the gate agent and Simone that she is not coming back. She has a cast on her left leg. On the way to security, she drops her passport and Simone, who is there to greet Ben, picks it up. Simone doesn’t see her name on the passport.
Mystery: Who is the woman with a cast? Why is she leaving the country?
Intrigue: Why is she wearing a cast?
Suspense: Possibly someone put this lady in a dangerous situation and she was injured. She is so frightened that she is leaving the country.
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I thought we were supposed to post the chart but it’s not importing as a chart from word when I cut and paste, so I pasted it as text. How do we post as a chart?
Kathy’s SOTL Stacking Suspense
THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
Logline: A young F.B.I. cadet must confide in an incarcerated and manipulative killer to receive his help on catching another serial killer who skins his victims.
ASSIGNMENT Give us a detailed list of the things you learned from doing this process that can help you write stronger thrillers.
Severed heads and human skin patches are not my thing!! I would have preferred to analyze GONE GIRL or at least had a choice of scripts to work on. There are many thrillers that are not as gruesome/gristly/macabre as this one.
Overlapping mystery, intrigue, and suspense in scenes produces drama that will keep audiences in their seats.
I think suspense is danger, intrigue is hidden, and mystery is a question but I don’t know if I’m putting each scene in the right category. It was educational to see the stakes for each scene, how most were about death.
Action 1. Clarice Starling and her roommate Ardelia Mapp are in training, Brigham informs Clarice that the Section Chief, Jack Crawford wants to see her. 2. Crawford tells Clarice that he has “an interesting errand” for her, to interview “A monster. A pure psychopath”, says to not tell him anything personal 3. In Dr. Chilton’s office at the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane Chilton tries to pick up Clarice 4. Chilton and Starling descend into the bowels of the hospital, Barney confirms that Clarice has understood all the rules. 5. Clarice walks to his cell. Lecter asks for credentials and insults her. The two discuss Buffalo Bill, an at-large serial killer, she offers Lecter a questionnaire. 6. Clarice arrives at her car and fights back tears. 7. At the range, Clarice shoots expertly through the target’s forehead. In the library, Clarice reads about Lecter.
Mystery Why does the shooter have his hands bound?
Why does Dr. Hannibal Lecter, the cannibal, refuse to cooperate? Why pick up Clarice? Why does Clarice asks Chilton to allow her to go in alone? ( because Lecter despises Chilton?) Why can Lecter ask for Clarice’s credentials?
Why does Miggs hurl a crass insult and then semen at Clarice? Lecter was whispering to a crying Miggs all afternoon, and at bed check they found Miggs dead, how and why?
Intrigue ongoing FBI investigations? Are other serial killers putting the public in danger? How many? And where are they? Why does Chilton prize Hannibal Lecter? Why rules?
Why does Lecter despise Chilton? in flashback, we see Clarice as a 10-year old girl eager to greet her father, a marshall Crawford is frustrated Clarice has not followed up and in part due to the death of Multiple Miggs.
Suspense the “hostage” on the bed ( Ardelia), is the suspect. Clarice has to react quickly to avoid being “shot” FBI project to interview all of the serial killers currently in custody. Lecter “carved up nine people and cooked his favorite bits. Chilton describes the crimes of Dr. Lecter and explains rules, shows her a photo of a nurse. Clarice told by Lecter to seek out Miss Mofet in Split City. Crawford retreats to his bedroom, where his comatose wife Bella lies in bed.
Character
MIS Why Clarice? ( She’s in the top quarter of her FBI training class.) Clarice walks through the darkness. “Split City” is a mini-storage facility
Stakes danger Serial killers cannibolism danger Killer in jail death
Action 8. Laying down, she shines her flashlight under the door, sees boxes, a car, Mr. Yow, an old man, refuses to help, suggests they return later. 9. Clarice scratches her thigh, removes the tarp. In the back seat of an old Packard, Clarice sees a female mannequin with a severed head in a jar. 10. in exchange for a transfer, Lecter will assist in the hunt for Buffalo Bill, whom he intimates was responsible for the death of Raspail. 11. Catherine Martin takes a bong hit, gets groceries, sees an old man, who asks her to get in the van, strikes her with his fake cast, 12. Bill always uses the same pair of scissors (electron microscopy). Clarice is to join Crawford to fingerprint the body. 13. Clarice reads Buffalo Bill’s file, Crawford explains findings 14. Crawford asks Clarice to describe Buffalo Bill from reading files and she does an accurate analysis.
Mystery Who is “Miss Hester Mofet”? Why is the male head dressed like a woman? Could Bill be responsible for the death of a man so long ago? ( Clarice doesn’t believe he could have done it) Who is this man who is not old? Why same routine? Why was only the very first victim, Fredrica Bimmel, was weighed down? ( Crawford Thinks laziness) Crawford says the Lecter connection is only a possible strategy, not the only one, so what are the others?
Intrigue Unit 31 was leased for ten years, paid in advance Clarice identifies “Miss Hester Mofet” as an anagram of “Miss the rest of me”, so Lecter owned the unit the man asks her, “Are you about a size 14?” Brigham says a WV fisherman found a girl’s body, Crawford thinks it is another victim of Bill the computer has been unable to find any pattern among the abductions and found bodies. Clarice is upset Crawford sent her to Lecter “naked”, feels Lecter is in her head, Crawford used her.
Suspense Clarice squirms under the door, re-emerges to offer her card to Mr. Yow on the off chance that the door slams shut and traps her she discovers a severed head in a jar, a man’s head, with makeup, earrings, and a drowned wig Lecter says Miss Moffet, the head, is Raspail, Miggs is dead, & may be able to help,
(Crawford’s plan all along). Lecter taunts Clarice. discards the fake cast, cuts her dress with scissors, tag reads “14”, ogles her skin, discards the dress, drives away with her Brigham tells Clarice that Crawford likes her, he offers his own field kit, after capturing the women, Bill starves them before shooting them, skinning them, dumping them in a river.
Character
MIS Dark, rain on the tin roof , mice run on a piano Clarice can analyze a gristly scene with precision. Clarice takes a towel from Lecter, flouts rules Clarice’s first field assignment. Aboard a plane Crawford needs Lecter to trust Clarice
Stakes Entrapment
Severed head, danger storm rages, danger kidnapping Murder, danger Torture, murder
Action 15. flashback to a 10-year-old Clarice, hearing the same music, walks to an open casket 16. The Sheriff is shaken by the discovery of the young girl’s body. Clarice is annoyed at Crawford 17. Clarice prints the body, takes a slew of pictures, and discovers a cocoon shoved in the girl’s mouth. Clarice knows fishing regulations ?
18. Clarice is comforted by Lamar with a cold can. 19. Mr. Gumb, AKA “Buffalo Bill”, has Catherine in a 15-foot deep pit in his basement. 20. Clarice sees a photo of Catherine Martin on tv, abducted by Buffalo Bill, make Catherine seem like a person, not an object. Crawford and the FBI are now on Catherine’s case. 21. Clarice meets a entomologists who id a second cocoon as the same species found in the mouth of the body, name from 2 rivers in hell
Mystery Why that music?
Why is a sewing machine there?
Who is the dead girl? What is this pattern? Who is the killer? Claire asks if he has done that before. More deaths with a cocoon in the throat? Why does Gumb call Catherine “It”? Does Buffalo Bill import and raises these insects himself?
Intrigue we see her father in the casket with his marshal’s badge
Crawford and the Sheriff discuss the case behind closed doors, want to exclude Clarice, but then Clarice tells everyone to leave and they do. The two patches of skin that removed from the body are triangular Crawford thought that if a woman was too squeamish, the rest of the men will think that too Catherine says her mother will pay ransom, Gumb is not interested, US Senator Ruth Martin, pleads to leave her daughter Catherine unharmed. “Death’s Head Moth” lives in Malaysia, and it is presumed that Buffalo Bill imports and raises these insects himself.
Suspense Clarice says they will find a cocoon in Benjamin Raspail’s head Gumb tells Catherine to put lotion in the basket, blood on the walls On the moth’s back is a reproduction of a skull.
Character
MIS “Shall We Gather at the River?” music at a funeral home Clarice is mad at Crawford and the sheriff for leaving her out, a put down. Crowded embalming room Crawford tells Clarice that she deserves the credit. Dingy cellar, creepy man, scared woman
Natural History Museum, fangs and skeletons, beetle on the chess board
Stakes death
murder Torture, murder Murder, torture Kidnapping, violence kidnapping death
Action 22. Crawford decides to allow Clarice to negotiate with Dr. Lecter for his assistance. 23. Clarice pushes back with authority, Dr. Chilton is angry as Clarice insists on seeing Dr. Lecter again. 24. Clarice lies, presents “the Senator’s” offer: for finding Catherine, Dr. Lecter will transfer to the V.A. hospital in New York and have a 1-week “vacation” at Plum Island. 25. a Death’s head moth emerges from a cocoon, Lecter says look for criminal histories, violent childhood, Billy will be reborn. 26. Chilton taunts Lecter, had Lecter’s cell bugged, has heard all of the talks between Lecter and Clarice, has a deal for publishing rights 27. Crawford talks with Dr. Danielson about records on patients who have been rejected for sexual reassignment surgery. Danielson finally offers to go through the records 28. Crawford talks with the FBI director Burke who tells Crawford that Dr. Lecter is on a plane to meet with Martin. Clarice says Lecter is the key to finding Bill.
Mystery Why must Dr. Chilton be kept in the dark? ( he will exploit the situation for professional gain) How does Lecter know about the moths and the number of deaths? What is Gumb sewing and why? Why does Lecter agree to tell Buffalo Bill’s real name only to Ruth Martin? Who is in authority? Why did Crawford let Lecter land in Memphis?
Intrigue Crawford insists that Ruth Martin not be told about a deal with Lecter, who will only torture her. Clarice says if he has a problem with the way things are run, he can take it up with the US Attorney. Lecter talks about Bill. Says “next to latest” when referring to the murders. Mentions Bill being rejected for sex change surgery hear the hum of a sewing machine, barely audible over show tunes, see Billy in a kimono, wearing a hairnet next to a woman’s wig Dr. Chilton says he, reveals there is no deal with the Senator but then says he has a new deal for Lecter if Chilton gets his exclusive access the senator is angry about the fake offer Crawford and Clarice made, insists DA Krendler take over in Memphis.
Suspense Catherine Martin, only has around 36 hours left Clarice tells Lecter @ her father’s death, moving to a ranch, breaks the rules. See tools:
knives, sinks, jars of chemicals, mannequins in designer clothing Crawford shows a photograph of the girl found in West Virginia, now identified as Kimberly Jane Emberg. Burke says Crawford has final say over Lecter, but Crawford lets Lecter land in Memphis.
Character
MIS full police armada, Clarice asserts her authority. Clarice repeats Crawford’s lie VO about Gumb Lecter focuses on the pen Johns Hopkins Clarice admits lying to Lecter
Stakes Danger, death
death danger danger murder
Action 29. Clarice is angry at Dr. Chilton, who she thinks has doomed Catherine. Crawford warns Clarice that if she misses any more classes, she will have to re-do the semester. 30. officers will take custody of Lecter. Chilton can’t find his pen. Ruth Martin and Paul Krendler walk towards Lecter 31. Catherine is ties a chicken bone to a string, throws it towards the opening, keeps trying to lure the dog into the pit. 32. Ruth Martin wants to know who Clarice is, why she is there, calls in Deputy AG Paul Krendler, who chastises Clarice for jeopardizing Catherine’s life. 33. Clarice has a roll of Dr. Lecter’s drawings 34. She is allowed to speak with Dr. Lecter, but must leave his drawings with Pembry. 35. In a third FLASHBACK, the 10-year old Clarice is awakened. Lecter returns the Buffalo Bill case file to her as Dr. Chilton arrives on the scene.
Mystery Will Lecter help Clarice?
Lecter gets information from Martin about nursing Catherine, uses it to torment her. Why torment the senator? ( a game to Lecter) Will Catherine ever escape? Did Clarice jeopardize Catherine’s life? Lecter claims that everything she needs to catch him is in the case file. Is this true? Who are the older men and what are they carrying from one barn to another?
Intrigue Crawford and Clarice decide that Clarice needs to be in Memphis with Dr. Lecter, as there is still a chance he will help her. Lecter tells Bill’s real name, “William Rubin”, and he and Raspail were lovers. Rubin had murdered someone. Raspail wanted Lecter to cure him. Gumb’s small dog Precious lunges at the chicken bone, setting off a tug-of-war between the dog and Catherine. Krendler reveals he knows Bill’s identity, orders Clarice off the case, tells her to return to Quantico, turn in badge and gun. Clarice convinces Sgt. Tate, that she is working with Krendler and has permission to see Dr. Lecter. Lecter says Clarice is brave after she tells him about seeing lambs being slaughtered she saves a lamb then was sent to an orphanage. Lecter and Clarice brush fingers.
Suspense Lecter warns Martin about trusting Crawford and Clarice, that they are playing a game. She is successful on her second attempt, Precious is pulled to the edge, but lets go.
Character
MIS Does Clarice go to class or Memphis? Who has authority, Lecter or the Senator? In Gumb’s basement, Catherine is resilient. Catherine’s apt Courthouse, who has authority? Lecter or Clarice?
Lecter is caged but gets Clarice to talk about herself, breaking the rules Clarice and Lecter in voice-over.
Stakes
danger death Killing, death, danger
Action 36. Gumb pushes a rack of plastic-wrapped leather garments, gets money.
37. Clarice is chaperoned by two uniformed officers to her plane. 38. Pembry is carrying a dinner tray for Dr. Lecter, who is out of sight. Boyle is ambushed and handcuffed. 39. Tate sees the elevator needle point at the fifth floor. Hears gun shots, elevator descends to 4, then 3. 40. Tate and his men go up the stairwell to the third floor. They sweep the elevator and find it empty. 41. Three EMS orderlies rush a gurney beside Pembry and begin to treat him. 42. two SWAT officers open the elevator doors
Mystery Did he sew these?
Why is he playing this music? Can Pembry escape? Gunshots are coming from where? Where did Lecter go? Whose blood is it? Who is the green figure?
Intrigue Bach’s Goldberg Variations
The Variations continue in Dr. Lecter’s enclosure, issuing from his small tape recorder. Lecter sits with his back against the bars, has a hidden lock pick, frees hands. Tate asks for a 10-block radius to be sealed off, a SWAT team, and an ambulance. Pembry’s breathing is labored, but alive. As the EMS team rushes Pembry from the premises, Tate freezes the elevator, thinks Lecter is on top of the car. Peterson calls to the figure, but there is no answer.
Suspense Gumb mentions leaving oil on the skin
Lecter handcuffs Boyle, pounces on Pembry, bites his face, maces him, takes Pembry’s night stick, and beats him then beats Boyle, takes his knife Tate gets on the radio as the bronze arrow moves to “4” and halts on “3”. The team force the door open, discover both officers are maimed beyond recognition,
Boyle is dead, and Lecter has taken his gun. Pembry begins to seizure and the orderlies rush him into the elevator. Near the ground floor, a drop of blood falls on Tate’s shoulder from the corner of the service hatch. A green figure lay on top of the car with a silver gun just beyond his hand. Kubell fires a shot into the figure’s leg, but there is no movement.
Character
MIS sweatshop
Memphis airport Lecter is artistic, sketches Clarice from memory, mock conducts Courthouse lobby As they approach the room holding Lecter’s cell, the Bach music is almost deafening. On the third floor of the courthouse,
Stakes
Gruesome violence and murder Gunshots, danger Violence, murder danger violence
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Katharine Panzella.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Katharine Panzella.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Subject line: Kathy’s World and Characters!
“What I learned doing this assignment is perhaps I need to add another scene to put my heroine in danger.”
PASSPORT TO PERIL, a woman-in-jeopardy thriller
Logline: After a newly married woman discovers her husband`s other women, she must outwit him to save her house and her life.
1. Remind us of your CONCEPT and the Big M.I.S. of your story.
Big
Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us
wondering throughout the story? Who is Ben and why did he marry Simone? Is
Simone his next victim who will lose her house and possibly her life?
Big
Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded part that
will live under the surface for most of the movie? Ben and Marcie are
partners in crime. He marries lonely single women who have expensive
houses, gets control of their houses, divorces them, then sells the
houses.
Big
Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue
to escalate throughout the script? After Simone is injured, Beth (and the
audience) worry about her. Will she survive?2. Tell us the Intriguing World you have selected for this story.
Georgia, from the skyscrapers and beautiful homes of Atlanta to the marshes and salt life of St. Simons Island, a state that gives film tax credits to productions.
3. With your top 2 or 3 characters, tell us the role they play and then answer these three questions:
Simone: the wife
What is the mystery of this character? She’s in a predicament. She doesn’t know that Ben is a con man who wants her house and will do anything to get it.
What is the suspense of this character? She is in danger but is oblivious to it even after she is hit by a car driven by Marcie. She doesn’t realize her danger until she is punched by Ben in the third act.
What is the intrigue of this character? Simone is naïve and trusting, a perfect mark.
Ben: the husband
What is the mystery of this character? He’s a charming con man who picked Simone as a target because she was single and owned an expensive house.
What is the suspense of this character? He’s not in physical danger until the third act. He is in danger of Simone uncovering his plan.
What is the intrigue of this character? Ben and Marcie are partners in crime. He marries lonely single women who own expensive houses, gets control of their houses, divorces them, then sells the houses.
Marcie: his lover
What is the mystery of this character? She partnered up with Ben as a way to make money. She owns a sailboat where the third act takes place.
What is the suspense of this character? She is only seen with Ben so Simone doesn’t know about her until the third act. Simone does see her drive a car from a distance. She’s not in physical danger until the third act.
What is the intrigue of this character? She partners with Ben who marries lonely single women who own expensive houses, gets control of their houses, divorces them, then sells the houses.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Katharine Panzella.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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ASSIGNMENT 2
PASSPORT TO PERIL, a woman-in-jeopardy thriller
Logline: After a newly married woman discovers her husband`s other women, she must outwit him to save her house and her life.
“What I learned doing this assignment is that I have all the conventions but need to put my heroine in danger earlier. And I just did.”
1. What are the conventions of your story?
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Simone, an attractive office manager who longs to travel to Paris. She flies there in the last scene!
Dangerous Villain: Jack, a balding forty-year old executive and, Marcie, his lover, plot to get Simone’s house.
High stakes: Jack marries Simone to get her house.
Life and death situations: Marcie runs down Simone, injuring her. Ben aims his gun at Simone to frighten her. Marcie swings a sailboat boom at Simone, narrowly missing her. Ben and Marcie try to kill Simone in the last act.
This story is thrilling because the audience knows Ben lies to Simone, has a lover, and wants Simone’s house, all unknown to Simone. They also know that Marcie tried to run her down.
2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story
Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story? Who is Ben and why did he marry Simone? Is Simone his next victim who will lose her house and possibly her life?
Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie? Ben and Marcie are partners. He marries lonely single women who have expensive houses, gets control of their houses, divorces them, then sells the houses.
Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script? After Marcie is injured, Beth (and the audience) worry about Simone. Will she survive?
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The Postman Always Rings Twice, a psychological thriller from 1946
“What I learned doing this assignment is that subtext, twists and turns, and life and death situations will keep audiences on the edge of their seats.
Logline: An attractive married woman (Cora) and a con man drifter (Frank) fall in love, then plot to murder her kind older husband (Nick).
The audience must solve many mysteries: Will Cora leave Nick? Will Nick find Cora’s note? Will Cora and Frank kill Nick? After Frank leaves, will he return? Is Frank alive after the car plunges down the cliff? And will Nick die? Will they get away with killing Nick? Will a gangster who has a copy of her confession get money from Cora? After Cora confesses, will she be convicted? And more.
1. The Postman Always Rings Twice, a psychological thriller.
2. Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: The first shot is of Cora’s legs then the audience sees her in short shorts, applying lipstick, a provocative pose. She reapplies lipstick throughout the film. Cora is married to Nick, a man she doesn’t love. She married him for his money so she would have a secure business. She meets Frank and falls in love.
Cora and Frank hatch a plot to get rid of Nick. Their plan fails, and Frank takes off — only to return again. After her husband tells her he’s going to sell the diner, at minute 53, Cora is desperate.
Dangerous Villain: I think Frank is the hidden villain. Frank steals Cora from Nick but Cora and Nick are not perfect. Cora marries Nick for his money. Nick threatens to sell the diner, which is Cora’s security blanket.
High stakes: Nick and Cora are arrested for the murder of Nick. She signs a confession but the twist is that the confession went to the lawyer’s office, not the judge. They are not convicted.
Life and death situations: First try fails. Will Cora and Frank kill Nick? Yes, they do on the second try.
3. What is the BIG Mystery, Intrigue, and Suspense of this story?
Big Mystery: Will Cora leave Nick? She tells Frank, “Darling, can’t you see how happy you and I would be together here…without him?”, so they plot to kill Nick. There is a back and forth on this until Nick dies.
Big Intrigue: In court her lawyer says the DA forced the pair into a confession. Both are charged with murder but the lawyer gets probation for Cora. (a twist) They get married. After Cora leaves on a trip, Nick meets a lady with a new car. He says, “My feet are itching to leave.” She says, “I hate hamburger.“ ( SUBTEXT: The diner sells burgers.) When Cora returns, Frank has a new car. Did he kill the lady he just met?
Big Suspense: Will they kill Nick? is the question until they succeed. The first attempt at minute 33 is foiled after the lights go out. Nick is hurt but not killed. Frank hits Nick with a bottle and pushes the car over a cliff at minute 66. Frank survives and Nick dies.
4. Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great thriller? In this steamy 1946 collaboration between John Garfield and Lana Turner, Garfield plays a young, aimless vagabond who arrives at a small diner and enters the life of the gorgeous young woman (Turner) and her older husband who own the place. “I disturbed her and she hated me for it,” is one great line that Frank says. Their desire to be together leads to a story of murder, deceit, violence, and betrayal. The Postman Always Rings Twice surprised me with twists, turns, and shifts in tone. The beginning, middle, and end of the movie are all quite different, and the characters go through some radical changes.
Even the ending has several twists: Cora is pregnant. She goes swimming, the only time she doesn’t wear a bathing cap ( subtext: she’s free at last) but soon dies in a car wreck. Frank is innocent but he’s charged with her death. All his guilt comes back to haunt him in the end: what goes around comes around. The postman always rings twice.
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1. Kathy Panzella
2. How many scripts you’ve written? dozens, short, long, animated
3. What you hope to get out of the class? I want to get my thriller script produced,
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I’m a PS 19 class graduate. I’ve invented and patented a shower caddy that holds a cell phone.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Katharine Panzella.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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1. Kathy Panzella
2.“I agree to the terms of this release form.”
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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message your beats to me please
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added police van, thanks
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like this with the names added, email me, would like to read it when you finish it
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Really appreciate your comments. And, yes, about the flash bangs, you are right. I goofed. In the sentence, go be a real reporter. I goofed again, meant detective. Email me your pdf, use kcpwriter@gmail.com. Would love to read more. Where are you located? I’m in the Atlanta area.
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<s>word to be deleted</s> means delete it, the strikethroughs didn’t format right, so <s>PTSD teacup</s> means delete it. I can email you a version if you want.
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Janeen’s Outline Version 1
Army Ranger Santa — Action/Comedy
LOGLINE: A former Army Ranger and his <s>PTSD teacup</s> poodle rescue the President’s parents and a Secret Service agent, <s>vanquishing foreign kidnappers and a rogue FBI agent</s>, <s>during</s> <s>a holiday chase to a</s> as they escape to a <s>lakeside cottage</s> safe house.
OPENING: A failed Army mission <s>in the war</s> left Nick, an Army Ranger, with PTSD and a teacup poodle, Grizzly, as his PTSD assistance dog. Working as a Santa at the mall, his elf assistant points out the President’s parents who mall walk every morning with their beautiful Secret Service agent ( MARIE). Villains plan to use an FBI double agent (TOM) and foreign mercenaries to kidnap the President’s parents and force the President to pay a huge ransom and release members of a terrorist network. Then they’ll kill the parents and escape.
INCITING INCIDENT: The <s>rogue FBI agent</s> Tom and his men <s>mercenary</s> shoot Marie <s>the Secret Service agent</s> and kidnap the parents. Santa, aka Nick, ditches his hat, stashes little Grizzly in his “handy carrier” and knocks out the bad guys with military precision. He puts the parents on the mall cop’s Segway and sends them to a side door where he meets them after dispatching two more<s> mercenaries</s> men and retrieving his go-bag.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1
In a chase, Nick causes the bad guys to wreck their car. <s>The FBI agent</s> Tom tells the authorities that the mall Santa is kidnapping the President parents and the manhunt is on.
MIDPOINT
After removing the bugs and tracking devices on the parents, Nick heads cross country. At a rest area, <s>the </s>government agents catch up by tracking Nick’s <s>the FBI</s> radio <s>Nick has been using to monitor the manhunt</s>. Nick has to take out <s>the FBI agent and mercenary</s> Tom and his men again. This time, Marie, <s>the Secret Service agent, still beautiful and</s> still alive, disables the bad guys’ vehicle and picks up the chase.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2
The terrorist organization’s boss sends in assassins to clean things up and finds that Marie <s>the Secret Service agent </s>is on the trail of the parents. He tells <s>the FBI rogue agent</s> Tom to get all of the government’s assets tracking her phone.(confusing) Using off-grid tactics from his wartime training, Nick uses travel by water, on foot, and a borrowed cottage to lose the bad guys who have been tailing him.
CRISIS
The villains track Marie <s>the Secret Service agent</s> when she joins Nick and the parents at the <s>borrowed </s>cottage, capturing all four of them. They call the President again to reinforce their threat. He tells them they have his parents’ doubles. His real parents are with him in the White House. They decide to kill the doubles.
CLIMAX
Using items from the cottage, the parents, Marie, <s>Secret Service agent</s> and Nick escape from the bad guys and hide the parents in a new location, arming them, setting booby traps and using improvised weapons and traps to defeat them. After tying them up and using secure comm devices to notify the President that they are safe, the search is called off and the rogue FBI agent is identified. The President is shocked to learn that he was lied to about the doubles.
RESOLUTION
The terrorists defeated, Marie <s>the Secret Service agent</s>, Nick, and the parents prepare to return to DC in a private jet. The agent and Santa have become a couple and the parents wink as though this was their plan all along.
Like this script. Shortened some things. Have added names to clarify who is who. Name the parents too. Can you fix the confusing sentence?
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I have made the climax scene in the UN detailed, not in outline form, but I wanted you to see some details in the script.
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Great! Thanks.
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want to exchange? Kathy
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Will email it.
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You can read the thriller map I just posted. Or the script. Or both. I just sent it out for coverage so will get a critique back in a few days.
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I would switch the pedophelia ring to a ring of officials on the take from office tower developers.
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Just emailed you, thanks.