Kate Schank
Forum Replies Created
-
Kathy S
QE #6 Cycle
Logline: Marcus and Carley are at the grocery store shopping. They have just slept together and are a new couple. Both are nervous just slightly, especially about where to end up making their dinner and who they might share it with. Marcus insists it should be his friend Bryan who has no one of his own. Finally, Carley convinces Marcus to stop at her mother’s house and eat. There is a romantic moment when arriving there, he asks her to marry him and gives her a kiss.
Essence: We all share these moments as couples when we want to make others included but realize that the most special bond is shared in marriage alone. There is a tense car ride while Marcus tries to explain to Carley that his friend Bryan also means a lot to him. She almost thinks it’s too much responsibility.
Scene: Marcus and Carley are at the grocery store filling up a cart. They are happy and decide to have dinner together. They have been on several dates, and are shopping after having slept together a couple times.
MARCUS
For dinner tonight… you’re staying again right? With escargots! How about snails?
CARLEY
Marcus, not if I have to eat snails… Do you like them? Here-
(Putting groceries in the cart.)
These are the freshest vegetables for our salad… and let’s bring a watermelon to share.
MARCUS
Yes, Carley. Take some corn… we’ll eat dinner together. Just like we’ve been together a long time… but it really hasn’t been long, has it?
CARLEY
It’s only a couple dates and we’re already filling an entire grocery cart. Did you tell your Dad yet?
MARCUS
I enjoyed last night. You really should be in a two story house with a garden… kids to feed. A puppy dog. Did I not suggest that we could even stay together?
CARLEY
You’re apartment is nice enough, but you haven’t met my mother. When you see my condo- you’re gonna like it. It’s almost big enough for two.
MARCUS
Don’t think I can’t afford a home…! What I need is a place with a real sky lit studio, a private office for me… a work out room all our own. I just had no one to share it with.
CARLEY
(Looks nervously at her cell phone clock which is buzzing)
Oh, boy! Is it time already? Mom’s calling… It’s almost six o’clock. We should get going, come on!
AFTER THE CHECK OUT LINE
The two of them load groceries into his car trunk. They get in and talk as they drive.
MARCUS
Let’s go, Carley. Come on.
CARLEY
I have work tomorrow, but I guess making dinner will be a breeze. Do you want to stop at my mothers house?
MARCUS
What for? Well, I guess if you want to make dinner we could include other people. How about my friend Bryan at his place? It’s a lot closer. I already texted him that we would drop by…
CARLEY
Closer? I think my mother should meet you. She just starts to worry… and is calling already.
MARCUS
Calling already? Well- doesn’t she know who I am? It’s a long time, I’m your lover… I can’t wait to show off my chick. But- if you don’t feel like bein shown off, and would rather go home. Maybe that would be alright for a while.
CARLEY
Alright? What do you mean maybe? Why are you thinking about showing me to your friend Bryan? Mother hasn’t met you yet.
MARCUS
Okay- to meet your mother, but now right now. I have Bryan to think about.
CARLEY
Bryan? He’s not married?
MARCUS
Yeah, he’s single. I said I’d bring over some chicks come to feed him… And he’s alone.
CARLEY
What?! I’m a chick but I’m just one person. You want me to feed your friends? I thought we were gong to be together for dinner. I wanted to introduce you to my mother tonight.
MARCUS
I know but Bryan hasn’t met you.
CARLEY
What do you mean? You mean I should bring a girl friend.
MARCUS
I won’t do anything unless he tells me. I mean-
CARLEY
Anything? Marcus! You’re driving me insane.
MARCUS
He never told me to meet your family. Bryan’s like my other half…
CARLEY
Fine. I don’t think I can feed both of you. Why don’t you drop me off at my mother’s.
MARCUS
Ahh- Carley! Don’t you want to spend the night?
CARLEY
Oh, like last night and the night before? What about when is this… getting too serious for me? How could you expect me to be there every night… I have to work.
MARCUS
Work. I thought you really liked me.
CARLEY
Yeah, I guess.
MARCUS
Tonight? What about Bryan?
CARLEY
Gosh Marcus! How aggravating. Bryan has nothing to do with it. Stop at my mother’s house right now. I want to see how she’s doing.
MARCUS
Well, okay- I’m sorry dear. I didn’t mean to be insistent about feeding Bryan. You know I do want to explain to her that I’m concerned for your well-being. After all, you just became my girl. Carley- I’m just a little nervous about it.
CARLEY
As long as you won’t share me with your friend. We could move in together.
MARCUS
Ah, Carley! You’re my sweetheart, then. But- not without your mother’s approval. Then we’ll tell my Dad!
CARLEY
Do you really think he’ll approve?
MARCUS
We both like dinner with escargots.
CARLEY
Snails! Did I say I don’t ilke those?
MARCUS
How come you’re so slow then?
CARLEY
Slow at what?
MARCUS
At deciding you want to marry me?
CARLEY
Marcus! You mean it really? You want to get married? Are you going to tell my Mom?
MARCUS
I might.
CARLEY
Ha! Come on home then… let’s go tell her right now- you crazy fool! How did you know I like escargots? Huh-
MARCUS
I knew… I was giving you a hard time. You’re taste is very refined. I’m sure we could make a new home together… let’s go tell Mom.
CARLEY
Great! Marcus- did you want to invite Bryan? I really wouldn’t mind… I’m sorry.
MARCUS
That’s nice of you. How about we invite him another time?
Pulling up in front of her mother’s house, they linger in the front seat of Marcus’s car.
CARLEY
Sure. That’s so considerate of you. I’m glad we’re here.
MARCUS
You’re my fiance! You’re really sweet… come here, I want to kiss you.
Carley kisses Marcus. They share a passionate kiss, and a moment of their love’s embrace.
CARLEY
Marcus! Do you really love me a lot? Come on and meet Mom!
MARCUS
Carley, you’re divine… let’s meet my mother-in-law. Come on Sweetie!
CARLEY
Yes, dear!
-
Kathy Schank
Logline: Carley and Marcus are shopping for groceries and fill up a cart with enough for dinner. After they check out they get in Marcus’s car and begin to drive. A small argument ensues, about whether to stop at Carley’s mother’s house or at Marcus’s friend Bryan’s place to share their food. Finally, they agree that Bryan can wait- and they should tell Mom right away that they might get married an share a house.
Essence: Although Marcus’s friend Bryan is unimportant to Carley, she is understanding enough to give their relationship a solid stance an make him important. It is only after her lover is willing to meet her mother that Carley realizes there is a good future for their relationship.
Scene: Marcus and Carley are at the grocery store filling up a cart. They are happy and decide to have dinner together. They have been on several dates, and are shopping after having slept together a couple times.
MARCUS
For dinner tonight… With escargots! How about snails?
CARLEY
Marcus, you like them? And these are the freshest vegetables for our salad… and let’s bring a watermelon to share.
MARCUS
Yes, Carley. Take some corn… we’ll eat dinner together. Just like we’ve been together a long time… but it hasn’t been long, has it?
CARLEY
It’s only a couple dates and we’re already filling an entire grocery cart.
MARCUS
I enjoyed last night. You really should be in a two story house with a garden… kids to feed. A puppy dog. Did I not suggest that we could even stay together?
CARLEY
You’re apartment is nice enough. When you see my condo- it’s almost big enough for two.
MARCUS
You don’t think I couldn’t afford a home…? A place with a real skylit studio, a private office for me… a work out room all our own. I just had no one to share it with.
CARLEY
(Looks nervously at her cell phone clock)
Oh, boy! Is it time already? It’s almost six o’clock. We should get going, come on!
AFTER THE CHECK OUT LINE
The two of them load groceries into his car trunk. They get in and talk as they drive.
MARCUS
Let’s go.
CARLEY
I have work tomorrow, but I guess making dinner will be a breeze. Do you want to stop at my mothers house?
MARCUS
What for? Well, I guess if you want to make dinner we could include others. How about my friend Bryan’s place? It’s a lot closer. I already texted him that we might drop by…
CARLEY
Closer? I think my mother should meet you. She just starts to worry… and is calling already.
MARCUS
Calling already? Well- doesn’t she know who I am? It’s a long time, I’m your lover… I can’t wait to show off my chick. But- if you don’t feel like bein shown off. Maybe that would be alright.
CARLEY
Alright? What do you mean maybe? How could you think about showing me off? Mother hasn’t met you.
MARCUS
Okay- to meet your mother, but now right now. I have Bryan to think about.
CARLEY
Bryan?
MARCUS
Yeah, he’s single. He never eats because no chicks come over to feed him… He’s alone.
CARLEY
What?! I’m a chick that you want me to feed your friends? I thought we were gong to be together for dinner. I wanted to introduce you to my mother.
MARCUS
I know but Bryan hasn’t met you.
CARLEY
What do you mean?
MARCUS
I won’t do anything unless he tells me.
CARLEY
Anything? Marcus! You’re driving me insane.
MARCUS
He never told me to meet your family. Bryan’s like my other half…
CARLEY
Fine. I don’t think I can feed both of you. Why don’t you drop me off at my mother’s.
MARCUS
Ahh- Carley! Don’t you want to spend the night?
CARLEY
Oh, like last night and the night before? What about when is this… getting too serious for me? How could you expect me to be there every night… I have work.
MARCUS
Work. I thought you really liked me.
CARLEY
Yeah, I guess.
MARCUS
Tonight? What about Bryan?
CARLEY
Gosh Marcus! How aggravating. Bryan has nothing to do with it. Stop at my mother’s house. I want to see how she’s doing.
MARCUS
Well, okay. You know I do want to explain to her that I’m concerned for your well-being. Afterall, you just became my girl. Carley- I’m just a little nervous about it.
CARLEY
As long as you won’t share me with your friend. We could move in together.
MARCUS
Ah, Carley! You’re my sweetheart, then. But- not without your mother’s approval. Then we’ll tell my Dad!
CARLEY
Do you really think he’ll approve?
MARCUS
You both like dinner with escargots.
CARLEY
Snails! Did I say I like those?
MARCUS
How come you’re so slow then?
CARLEY
Slow at what?
MARCUS
At deciding you want to marry me?
CARLEY
Marcus! You mean it really? You want to get married? Are you going to tell my Mom?
MARCUS
I might.
CARLEY
Ha! Come on home then… let’s go tell her right now- you crazy fool! How did you know I like escargots? Huh-
MARCUS
I just knew. You’re taste is refined. I’m sure we could make a new home together… let’s go tell Mom.
CARLEY
Great! Marcus- did you want to invite Bryan? I really wouldn’t mind… I’m sorry.
MARCUS
That’s nice of you. How about we invite him another time?
Pulling up in front of her mother’s house, they linger in the front seat of Marcus’s car.
CARLEY
That’s so considerate of you. I’m glad we’re here.
MARCUS
You’re my fiance! You’re really sweet… come here, I want to kiss you.
Carley kisses Marcus. They share a passionate kiss, and a moment of their love’s embrace.
CARLEY
Marcus! Do you really love me a lot? Come meet Mom!
MARCUS
Carley, you’re divine… let’s meet my mother-in-law. Come on Sweetie!
CARLEY
Yes, dear!
-
Kathy S.
What I learned is that the first draft isn’t going to be double quality because that wouldn’t be possible. Going over your work again at least once is going to do this for you, especially if you can incorporate all of these techniques.
Brandy and Philip arrive for their date at her favorite bar. Everything is okay until they meet her ex-boyfriend Tom who shows up seemingly expectedly. The bartender is barely able to save Tom’s life by calling the police, from Philip beating him up, when he got angry.
INT. LOCAL BAR WHERE BRANDY LIKES TO STAY
Brandy and Phil are seated, when Brandy’s ex-boyfriend Tom shows up and begins speaking to her. The bartender is busy wiping glasses down and getting the bar ready to serve them.
BRANDY
Tom- I didn’t know you show up! Come on and we’ll have a couple drinks with Philip my new boyfriend. Phil- Sweetie, this is Tom, he’s my ex but from a long time ago. I haven’t seen him in years.
TOM
It’s been a long time. She meant the world to me- I thought she’d stay with me. Brandy got away-
BRANDY
Bartender- I’m not drunk yet. My name’s Brandy- can you pour us a few?
BARTENDER
Oh, yes- this here?
He indicates a brand label.
BRANDY
Great.
Cheers! Tom- it’s to you.
TOM
What a surprise, Brandy- darling, what is this for? Cheers to me-? This poor fellow, is he following you around?
BRANDY
Are you following me?
PHIL
Pardon moi, I thought you knew we were together. Hello, my name is Phil. Nice to meet you, Brandy’s ex. What a surprise indeed.
TOM
Philip- I was feeling very dismal, you know. I can’t believe that Brandy is at the bar. Here she
is,
(Holds his glass up)
Cheers.
(Takes a drink.)
PHILIP
(Drinks down his drink in a swallow)
Tom- if only there were another Brandy now,
(Pounding the table)
At this bar.
Huh Tom?
(Puts his arm around Tom’s shoulder, giving him a hard pat)
Do forgive me for having enjoyed it a lot.
(Phil looks at Brandy)
Bartender… Another one here for this poor guy.
BRANDY
Just stay here and sit. Like we used to do. Tom and I used to come here together-
PHILIP
As long as Tom’s here- why don’t you tell us, what caused the break up between you and her? The unbearable separation- was it painful? Was the agony indomitable… has it not gone away yet?
TOM
Let’s fill!
PHIL
(To bartender)
Keep filling!
BRANDY
It’s fine. I thought I told him about you…
PHILIP
She didn’t tell you? Does that account for the awful feeling I had? Hadn’t she dumped you before I met her? Brandy- tell me.
BRANDY
Philip, more please-
(Extends her glass)
I just haven’t seen him in a while. It’s like I told you- we broke up years ago.
PHILIP
Oh really- because if you were happier with Tom here… come on, who’s the better man?
TOM
Him? The better man- listen Philip you’d better stay quiet while I talk to Brandy here.
(Turns aside)
Honey- I always loved you. I don’t know why you left… Come back.
BRANDY
(Turning to Tom)
It’s good to see you. I really missed you.
TOM
(Turns to Phil and stands up)
Phil- I’m sorry but I just have to tell you – you’re nothing. You’re not better than me…
PHILIP
(Shouts and stands up)
How could you say that to me?
TOM
Ha, ha, ha! Look at you-
PHILIP
(Angered)
Look at me? What about you- huh?
Phil punches Tom in the face and he falls over the barstool backwards drunk. Phil shoves him again and he blacks out.
BRANDY
Oh, Phil no! Tom, are you alright? Bartender! Call someone!
PHILIP
Sorry, dear.
The bartender rushes over to Tom who is lying on the ground in pain.
BARTENDER
He’s blacked out. I’ll call the ambulance right away.
(Calling)
Hello police-
Brandy
Police? No!
OPERATOR
This is 9-1-1…
MOMENTS LATER
Ambulance arrives and several police officers in their cars. They enter and take care of their work. They begin to interrogate the couple.
PHILIP
Officer, Brandy had nothing to do with this argument. I only had a little… I just couldn’t believe her ex-boyfriend wanted her to go home with him. He was really annoying.
POLICE OFFICER
You punched him. Correct?
BRANDY
Philip hit Tom.
PHILIP
I can’t help it that Brandy was drunk. Tom was drunk-
Brandy, you got drunk on purpose. You should’ve know what may happen.
BRANDY
Officer, I am personal friends with the owner of the bar. Philip, you gave my ex a black eye. There was no need for an argument to have begun! The bartender would’ve settled it.
PHILIP
Settled it? The fellow was breathing down my neck and started laughing at me…
BRANDY
Laughed about what? How he’d done it to me a thousand times and why you look- unsatisfied!
POLICE OFFICER
Is that why you hit the man in the face, and beat him until he could no longer stand and blacked out, is that true?
PHILIP
He blacked out because he’s stupid. He’s soo stupid – or he would’ve shut up and already left here. He wouldn’t be lying on the ground, and if it weren’t for that ambulance arriving I’d have polished him off…
The police officer begins to arrest Philip and reads him his rights as he cuffs him.
POLICE OFFICER
You have the right to remain silent… Anything you say, can and will be held against you…
MOMENTS LATER
POLICE OFFICER
Come with me please, down to the station and talk further.
BRANDY
I’m going to meet Tom at the hospital. He still loves me, and you’re mean.
PHILIP
Ha! You’re going with Tom? What?!
BRANDY
Maybe we’ll meet up here again soon. Bye, Phil!
PHIL
Don’t forget about me and the sex we had!
BRANDY
I might Phil, I just might. Bye.
-
Kathleen Schank
Assign #23
Logline: An argument in a bar starts over a Brandy who has a bit. Her new boyfriend doesn’t like the fact that her ex shows up and begins to drink with her, inviting her back. It all ends when the police are called to settle a fight between them, and Brandy betrays her new man.
Essence: Watch out for women who have a nature that drives you to drink. You could get arrested for having more than your Phil.
Scene:
INT. LOCAL BAR WHERE BRANDY LIKES TO STAY
Brandy and Philip arrive for their date at her favorite bar. Everything is okay until they meet her ex-boyfriend Tom who shows up seemingly expectedly. The bartender is barely able to save Tom’s life from his beating when Philip gets angry by calling the police.
BRANDY
Tom- I didn’t know you show up! Come on and we’ll have a couple drinks with Philip my new boyfriend. Phil- Sweetie, this is Tom, he’s my ex boyfriend from a long time ago. I haven’t seen him in years.
TOM
It’s been a long time. She meant the world to me- I thought she’d stay with me. Brandy got away-
BRANDY
Cheers! Philip- it’s to you.
PHILIP
What a surprise, Brandy- darling. What is this for? Cheers to me- this poor fellow, is he following you around?
BRANDY
Are you following me?
TOM
Philip- I was feeling dismal and I knew that Brandy was at the bar. Here she is…
PHILIP
Tom- If only there were another Brandy at the bar. Do forgive me for having enjoyed too much! More, please! Bartender… Another one here for this suffered man.
BRANDY
Just stay here and sit. Just sit, Tom – next to me for a little more. Like we used to do.
PHILIP
As long as Tom’s here- why don’t you tell us, what caused the break up between you and her? The unbearable separation- the indomitable agony… does it not go away?
BRANDY
It’s fine. I thought I told him about you…
PHILIP
She didn’t tell you? Does that account for the awful feeling I had? Hadn’t she dumped you before I met her? Brandy- tell me.
BRANDY
Philip, more please-
(extend her glass)
I just haven’t seen him in a while. It’s like I told you- we broke up years ago.
PHILIP
Oh really- because if you were happier with Tom here… come on, who’s the better man?
TOM
Him? The better man- listen Philip you’d better stay quiet while I talk to Brandy here.
(Aside)
Honey- I always loved you. I don’t know why you left… Come back.
BRANDY
(Turning to Tom)
It’s good to see you. I really missed you.
TOM
(Turns to Phil)
You’re nothing. You’re not better than me…
PHILIP
(Shouts)
How could you say that to me?
TOM
Ha, ha, ha! Look at you-
PHILIP
(Angered)
Look at me? What about you- huh?
Phil punches Tom in the face and he falls over the barstool backwards drunk. Phil shoves him again and he blacks out.
BRANDY
Oh, Phil no! Tom, are you alright? Bartender! Call someone!
PHILIP
Sorry, dear.
The bartender rushes over to Tom who is lying on the ground in pain.
BARTENDER
He’s Blacked out. I’ll call the ambulance right away.
(Calling)
Hello police-
OPERATOR
This is 9-1-1…
MOMENTS LATER
Ambulance arrives and several police officers in their cars. They enter and take care of their work. They begin to interrogate the couple.
PHILIP
Officer, Brandy had nothing to do with this argument. I only had a little… I just couldn’t believe her ex-boyfriend wanted her to go home with him. He was really annoying.
POLICE OFFICER
You punched him. Correct?
BRANDY
Philip hit Tom.
PHILIP
I can’t help it that Brandy was drunk. Tom was drunk-
Brandy, you got drunk on purpose. You should’ve know what may happen.
BRANDY
Officer, I am personal friends with the owner of the bar. Philip, you gave my ex a black eye. There was no need for an argument to have begun! The bartender would’ve settled it.
PHILIP
Settled it? The fellow was breathing down my neck and started laughing at me…
BRANDY
Laughed about what? How he’d done it to me a thousand times and why you look- unsatisfied!
POLICE OFFICER
Is that why you hit the man in the face, and beat him until he could no longer stand and blacked out, is that true?
PHILIP
He blacked out because he’s stupid. He’s soo stupid – or he would’ve shut up and already left here. He wouldn’t be lying on the ground, and if it weren’t for that ambulance arriving I’d have polished him off…
The police officer begins to arrest Philip and reads him his rights as he cuffs him.
POLICE OFFICER
You have the right to remain silent… Anything you say, can and will be held against you…
MOMENTS LATER
POLICE OFFICER
Come with me please, down to the station and talk further.
BRANDY
I’m going to meet Tom at the hospital. He still loves me, and you’re mean.
PHILIP
Ha! You’re going with Tom? What?!
BRANDY
Maybe we’ll meet up here again soon. Bye, Phil!
PHIL
Don’t forget about me and the sex we had!
BRANDY
I might Phil, I just might. Bye.
-
ASSIGNMENT #22 QE CYCLE 5
Kathleen Schank
I learned that the best way to write just might be these strategies which are techniques to maximize the audience’s interest in the story. Taking the lead role as the writer is like driving to the best place, not off of a cliff into a dark abyss.
I think in this scene, I used dramatic irony, anticipation and suspense, dilemma, major twist and surprise.
Logline: House painter is in the midst of his work. The interior is about half finished, and his one employee is putting days into it together with him. The home owner has been away at work and vacation, but has left many instructions. One day, the owner arrives and calls them off the job. The painter decides to threaten to take legal action to get his pay.
Painter Mr. Ash, assisted by Nick,
Home Owner, Mr. Worthington
Scene: Mr. Ash the house painter and his assistant Nick are hard at work painting the interior of the Worthington home early one day.
Worthington home driveway, Mr. Worthington is going to be leaving for his vacation and is giving last minute instructions to the house painters who are at work.
MR. WORTHINGTON
Ash, I’ve told you everything I want painted on the home interior. I want the woodwork light in the parlor, and the kitchen the different orange. I know you can get it all ready for me before next month. I’ve got an important party planned for my nephew.
MR. ASH
Mr. Worthington, I’ll do everything you say. I’m picking up the rest of the supplies and gallons of paint tomorrow afternoon, and the prep work will be finished once Nick and I sand all of the woodwork. It’ll look as good as new.. like the day you bought it.
MR. WORTHINGTON
Good. I’ll be off on my vacation for a couple weeks. I don’t want to be in the house with all of this work going on. There’ll be fumes and all that noise. See you soon!
MR. ASH
Fine. I’ll just call if there’s a problem. Have a nice time!
NICK
Good bye Mr. Worthington.
MR. WORTHINGTON
See you then, bye!
THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON
The two men are working. Mr. Ash has taken off the doors and set them up to sand and paint. Nick is busy prepping the rooms with a step ladder.
MR. ASH
Come on, Nick and we’ll have lunch at noon if you like sub sandwiches. Just work on the wood prep for now.
NICK
Yes, Mr. Ash! And I’ll take a sandwich, whatever you get.
MR. ASH
(Interrupting Nick’s work for a moment.)
Nick! Not like that- like I showed you, don’t damage the wood with your putty knife. Just sand it down. It has to be smooth. Take all the hardware off. Fix that…
NICK
I know.
They continue to work.
LUNCHTIME
Mr. Ash extinguishes several cigarettes before sitting down next to Nick to eat the rest of his sandwich.
MR. ASH
Nick, you’re doing fine. Let’s get these rooms ready before the end of the week. We’ve got the whole upstairs to get finished before the end of the month.
NICK
Sure thing. I can work all month long. Do you think he’ll re-paint the exterior?
MR. ASH
There’s a chance if we sell the job, maybe he’ll do it this summer.
NICK
Thanks for the sandwich. Instead of paint I used Mayo.
MR. ASH
Tasty.
THE FOLLOWING WEEK.
MR. ASH
The kitchen looks good, just one mistake. Let me show you. These cupboard hinges… should be silver. What went wrong?
NICK
I thought I should paint over them.
MR. ASH
Nick- no. Clean these up! I don’t think we should have to buy all new ones, do you?
NICK
Not a problem Mr. Ash. It won’t take long.
MR. ASH
If it’s a problem… I’ll do it myself. I’m carrying these doors and moldings downstairs. Everything’s ready once we do that. To get it all painted will take a couple weeks more.
NICK
Let’s get to it. I’ll work on the drywall patching today.
MR. ASH
Won’t be dry until tomorrow. Wait a minute- just got a text message.
(Checking his phone messages.)
It’s Mr. Worthington. He’s giving me all these instructions… I’m annoyed. Get started!
LATER
NICK
I’m finished with the wall patching!
MR. ASH
Okay, now start in one of the bedrooms. I’ll be back up in a moment… Wait! He’s here!
NICK
(Calling downstairs)
Who is? Mr. Worthington?!
MR. ASH
(Extinguishing a cigarette in the garage.)
Mr. Worthington, you’re early!
NICK
Hello!
Mr. Worthington arrives.
MR. WORTHINGTON
You know Ash, I just became too worried about this. Let me have a look at the living room and parlor.
Mr. Worthington enters the rooms and takes a look.
That’s what I thought. I don’t really like the color. Is that the one I told you?
MR. ASH
Yes, that’s the color you said.
MR. WORTHINGTON
No. That’s not right. Listen, why don’t you stop working for today, and we’ll call it off.
MR. ASH
Oh no- call it off? We’re about half way finished with the job. We agreed on the entire interior. Should we do the rest of the upstairs bedroom? We already bought the new paint.
MR. WORTHINGTON
No, that’s alright.
MR. ASH
But we agreed on the paint-
MR. WORTHINGTON
That’ll be fine. I’ll just pay you for half of the job. That was only two weeks time.
MR. ASH
Ugh-! If you change your mind- let me know tomorrow.
MR. WORTHINGTON
Will do, Ash. Nick, get ready to go. That’s it for today, thanks for your help.
NICK
Sure, Mr. Ash. I’ll call you tomorrow.
NEXT DAY
Mr. Ash arrives at the Worthington house to collect his tools and supplies. Mr. Worthington answers the door and opens the garage.
Worthington garage.
MR. ASH
(Annoyed)
I’ve got to get everything out of your way here, let me pack up the rest of this. You’re sure about your decision? If you decide you’ll have me come back and finish the house it’s no problem.
MR. WORTHINGTON
Maybe I’ll make that decision. I’m glad you think it’s no problem.
MR. ASH
Now, Mr. Worthington I have got to tell you- I think you should pay me in full. This is an inconvenience to me and my employee.
MR. WORTHINGTON
No, I won’t.
MR. ASH
I’ll file a claim against you. There’s the matter of the cost of the paint-
MR. WORTHINGTON
I believe we had discussed that. You were to cover those expenses.
MR. ASH
It isn’t in writing, but that’s not what you said. I’ll argue against you in court!
MR. WORTHINGTON
You think it’s worth the argument? I’ll say it looked so crappy I wanted to burn the house down. You nearly did that with your cigarette butts that you left around.
MR. ASH
I guess I’ll be on my way. You might hear from me.
MR. WORTHINGTON
I think you should get going. I’m calling another contractor to finish the job. No hard feelings.
MR. ASH
Just my sense of pride in my work. I wanted to finish your home, but I won’t. I could’ve met a better home owner.
MR. WORTHINGTON
Good luck.
-
Kathleen Schank
What I learned from this assignment is that there is an art of writing demand/ reveal/ cover ups to double the quality of a scene. This is a method that will never fail of better thinking.
Logline: Men are seated at the bar going over what happened last night in their conversation. They have committed certain crimes in order to obey the bar owners wishes.
34 INT ROADHOUSE
Numbskull, and King Cobra are seated in the corner of the bar. Owner Scott Danielson is busy working there and joins them to sit down for a while and have a drink together with Filthy. Ken walks in and sits down not far from them at a table.
KING COBRA
Where is it? You’ve got to maintain your brain… die numb! Right Numbskull? Do you have it or not?
NUMBSKULL
(He says to Filthy)
Um… right. Now just a minute- someone must have something to numb my skull. Come on, out with it!
KEN
The gang’s all here. I thought you would’ve left town with King Cobra.
NUMBSKULL
Well, King and I had to do a little filthy business. That’s all I know.
SCOTT DANIELSON
They help me keep up the place. Keeping this operation running smoothly every day is no easy task. But we always have a little fun on the side.
KING COBRA
If there’s any side work here we’ll stop on by. Always have a good time.
FILTHY
This year we’ll all have new engines.
KEN
You’re pace setters. Everyone can see that.
SCOTT DANIELSON
Hey, Numbskull! Tell me what were you doin’ at the highway last night?
NUMBSKULL
Highway? The high and dry way. I don’t think I was on the highway.
SCOTT
I was sure that Filthy told me you drove him and Ken there to the meeting place.
NUMBSKULL
I can’t remember what I did ten minutes ago, let alone last night.
FILTHY
All I know is that Ken got out of his truck- walked a few paces away and met a man. That’s what he told me he was gonna do.
SCOTT
Really, Ken did that? Okay. So, he’s our new man.
FILTHY
Here.
(Hands him a small package.)
It’s as clean as my record.
SCOTT
Filthy! You know how to do outside work. Why don’t you and Numbskull keep some of the money.
KEN
Listen Scott, I don’t mind helping with work- but jobs like these… I don’t like a lot.
SCOTT
That’s too bad- I always enjoy a night out. I’m just sorry I wasn’t there.
FILTHY
(Aside to Ken)
I had to- to take the bike. That dealer you won’t see anymore.
KEN
I understand. Just let me know when the bike arrives over the borderline.
NUMBSKULL
Was there an outlaw there? You know sometimes I think- I’ve seen ‘em ridin’…
FILTHY
You’re going crazy – Numbskull. You never drove that truck. And rustlers from a long time ago aren’t joining us for drinks either.
NUMBSKULL
This man here- Ken, is our new amigo!
KING COBRA
(raising his glass)
Let’s drink to Ken here! Amigos!
-
Kathleen S.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that every character interaction should be as dynamic, and dramatic as possible to play out on screen. Good clear thinking seems to be the key element to the foundation of a good screenplay.
Here are my characters and their traits:
JDog
Beyond the pale
Reprehensible
Flea bitten Mad
Rascal
And
Jesse Evans
Leader
Strong
Rustler
Unprincipled
Rapport: Jesse has to tell JDog what to do, or he doesn’t know what’s going to happen.
Conflict: JDog operates out of his madness and does whatever he wants unless Jesse catches him.
Contrast: Jesse drives his gang towards a given goal and stays on task. JDog causes only distractions.
Competition: JDog will find women first, and get them before Jesse does.
Subtext: Jesse lets JDog tag along because he kind of likes him although he probably won’t admit it.
Something to change to elevate the quality of these dramatic states: Jess isn’t just unprincipled but downright … dastardly. So, I think that this will bring out the evil villainous deeds that they gang is going to be capable of doing.
Charles Lee Ray aka “Pony”
Death Defier
Possessed
Daredevil
Hellacious
And
Dolly
Midget
Loyal Compadre
Bandit
Jester
Rapport: Dolly is the loyal companion of Charles Ray who is “Pony”. Pony loves his friend, and the two of them are bad guys. Pony helps him along because he is a midget. Most of the calamities Pony experiences, and every time he comes through alive even though he is shot or killed.
Conflict: The conflict is that Pony might die although Dolly needs his help so badly.
Contrast: Dolly is too short to ride unless Pony takes him. Dolly can be bad but it’s almost easier for him to be good.
Competition: Pony is a comic relief due to his death defying, but Dolly is also a sort of jester.
Subtext: This pair of bad guys is loveable for their drawbacks.
Something to change to elevate the quality of the character drama is: Pony could be …kamikaze. Meaning that with every crime, assault, or gunfight he is first to jump into the thick of it and get almost killed.
-
Kathleen Schank
Logline: Maxine can’t help being annoying enough to get thrown out of her room at the house she shares with Renee, her daughter Anne-Marie and their landlady Carrie. When she gets jealous of Renee’s boyfriend Raoul, the secret she had told her is out and hurts Annie’s feelings.
Essence: Maxine is an obnoxious roommate who is used to getting what she wants by being confrontational and just slightly manic depressed. Hopefully she learns from Renee that this will only work to her disadvantage.
RENEE
Traits
– Prissy
– Devious
– Outgoing
– Conformist
Changes to – Liberal
Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
MAXINE
Traits
– Tricky
– Snobbish
Changes to defiant
– Paranoid
– Emotionally Wounded
Changes to – Schizophrenic… or manic depressive
Subtext: Maxine is an tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.
INT HOME THAT IS RENTED BY SEVERAL WOMEN, ONE HAS A CHILD.
The women are Renee and her young child, a toddler Anne-Marie. Maxine who is crazy and the owner who’s name is Carrie.
Renee opens the door and comes out of her room in the ranch house. She is bright and wearing a dress, her neat child sits in the room playing. Another room mate Maxine, is coming into the living room to sit on the sofa. She is dressed in her sloppy shirt, and has neglected hair and a frown.
RENEE
Hi, Maxine. I haven’t seen you, how are you? I was just doing some cleaning in the house.
MAXINE
Hi Renee. How’s Annie?
RENEE
Annie’s fantastic. You know you can clean the kitchen, if you want.
MAXINE
No, I don’t clean. Did I hear you say you’re going to the 7/11 store? I need some beer.
RENEE
I would pick you up a couple of cans, but honestly Maxine, you shouldn’t be drinking beer all day long. I can’t help you this time. Something bothering you?
MAXINE
I’m still on unemployment. I have no car right now, and my loans aren’t paid. I have no man besides my Dad who is like going to kill me.
RENEE
Afraid of your Dad, or of being murdered? My daughter’s not afraid of her Daddy.
MAXINE
You had over someone didn’t you? A boyfriend? Who is he, some kind of excuse for her father? He looked so boring.
RENEE
That was my boyfriend over. Don’t tell her, but her Daddy and I are split up… we never intended to marry.
MAXINE
What? Oh- he’s not your boyfriend.
RENEE
Nope. Just don’t tell her but I‘m not marrying her Daddy, I might marry someone else.
MAXINE
Okay. Is that what you were making all that noise for, the night he slept here?
RENEE
Noise? No, we didn’t make noise. You were blasting weird music all night and we couldn’t sleep.
MAXINE
Really? It was soothing. All I could do was toss and turn hearing your um- your- noise.
RENEE
Maybe it was louder because of your jealousy. And- we do whatever we want as long as my child is happy.
MAXINE
(Very upset and mad)
Really? Oh, I see. First you won’t help me get to the store. Secondly, you think I’m a noisy woman and thirdly you make me a jealous person? Why do I have to live next to a chick like you anyways?!
Renee’s telephone rings.
RENEE
Excuse me a moment. I have got to make a call.
She steps into her room, and calls someone on the phone.
(Enter) Anne-Marie. She is playful and wearing a diaper.
MAXINE
Hi, Anne-Marie.
ANNE-MARIE
Hi.
MAXINE
So, Anne-Marie. You are so cute! What do you want to play?
ANNE-MARIE
Let’s play dolls! Here you take this girl…
Maxine holds a doll playfully.
MAXINE
Did Mom’s boyfriend say he’s going to stay here with you? Do you like him?
Anne-Marie laughs and bounces up and down repeatedly on the sofa.
MAXINE
Guess what- he’s not your daddy. That’s your forever Daddy, but her boyfriend- isn’t. He’s just going to stay here to wear out his welcome.
Anne-Marie starts crying.
ANNE-MARIE
W-a-a-! You’re stupid.
MAXINE
Hmm? Don’t be sad! I’m sure you’re Dad isn’t mad at you like mine is at me.
ANNE-MARIE
No!
RENEE
Anne-Marie, what’s wrong?
Grabs her daughter and holds her.
MAXINE
I told her that your F**k buddy wasn’t her Dad…! I did, just now. Kids should know the truth… Ha! Okay, Anne-Marie, right?
RENEE
How could you! I just had my boyfriend on the phone, he’s coming over. He’ll stay as often as he wants.
MAXINE
I guess I just won’t be able to sleep at night.
Enter landlady.
CARRIE
Hello ladies! Hello Anne-Marie. What is all this noise about?
MAXINE
I’m depressed. I can’t sleep because Renee isn’t married.
CARRIE
Maxine, your loud music kept me awake last night. If you want to play music that loud I’ll have to ask you to vacate.
MAXINE
Loud? No, that wasn’t. What’s loud was her bumpin’ all night long, that’s what! Didn’t you hear the noise?
RENEE
Bumpin’! How dare you! That’s my room not yours. She is perfectly comfortable with my boyfriend there.
MAXINE
Okay, well- I had to pump up the jam to cover up the sound of you two…!
Enter boyfriend, Raoul who is dressed neatly in a sports jersey.
RAOUL
Hello girls. How’s our Annie? Carrie, I can’t thank you enough for helping me and Renee. After her baby’s Daddy left her with nothing, I stepped in to help support her and this child. When my job slowed down we were so worried, Now we’re doing fine!
RENEE
Raoul is just a lucky find, we are very happy thanks to you Carrie.
MAXINE
I think you’re child should be happy, she was just crying.
CARRIE
Uh, Maxine- you’re too annoying. You haven’t cleaned the bathroom, emptied the kitchen trash can, or washed the dishes in I can’t remember when because I do it for you! You’re a lazy drunk and I want you out.
MAXINE
I’m not leaving.
CARRIE
I’m sorry but you have to or I’ll call the police to settle this argument.
MAXINE
So, call them. I haven’t done anything wrong.
-
This re-write is more fun than the last version. I like how Maxine’s character comes to life near the conclusion. I was suspicious that Maxine was not only tricky but annoying enough to want to wound Renee, knowing that Jerry was already with her. Good work.
-
ASSIGNMENT 17
Logline: House mates Renee and Maxine argue over who is making more noises during the night. Maxine reveals a secret that Renee’s daughter Annie has an different father that isn’t her boyfriend. The landlady settles this by forcing one of them out.
Essence: Maxine not keeping the secret is what begins the arguing.
RENEE
Trait I changed is; – Conformist
Changes to – Liberal
MAXINE
Trait I changed; – Paranoid
Changes to – Manic Depressive
Scene:
INT HOME THAT IS RENTED BY SEVERAL WOMEN, ONE HAS A CHILD.
The women are Renee and her young child, a toddler Anne-Marie. Maxine who is crazy and the owner who’s name is Carrie.
Renee opens the door and comes out of her room in the ranch house. She is bright and wearing a dress, her neat child sits in the room playing. Another room mate Maxine, is coming into the living room to sit on the sofa. She is dressed in her sloppy shirt, and has neglected hair and a frown.
RENEE
Hi, Maxine. I haven’t seen you, how are you? I was just doing some cleaning in the house.
MAXINE
Hi Renee. How’s Annie?
RENEE
Annie’s fantastic. You know you can clean the kitchen, if you want.
MAXINE
No, I don’t clean. Did I hear you say you’re going to the 7/11 store? I need some beer.
RENEE
I’ll pick you up a couple of cans. Maxine, you shouldn’t be drinking beer all day long. What’s wrong?
MAXINE
I’m still on unemployment. My Dad’s like going to kill me. You had over someone didn’t you? A boyfriend?
RENEE
Afraid of your Dad? My baby’s not afraid of her Daddy. That was my boyfriend over. Don’t tell her, but we never married- see, that’s not her Dad.
MAXINE
What?
RENEE
Just don’t tell her but I‘m not marrying her Daddy.
MAXINE
Okay. Is that what you were making all that noise for, the night he slept here?
RENEE
Noise? No, we didn’t. You were blasting weird music all night and we couldn’t sleep.
MAXINE
Really? It was soothing. All I could do was hear your um- your- noise.
RENEE
It’s none of your business. We do whatever we want.
(Enter) Anne-Marie. She is playful and wearing a diaper.
MAXINE
Hi, Anne-Marie. Do you want to play?
Renee’s telephone rings.
RENEE
Excuse me a moment. I have got a call.
She steps into her room, and answer the phone.
MAXINE
So, Anne-Marie. You are so cute! What do you want to play?
ANNE-MARIE
Let’s play dolls! Here you take this girl…
Maxine holds a doll playfully.
MAXINE
Did Mom’s boyfriend say he’s going to stay here with you? Do you like him?
Anne-Marie laughs and bounces up and down repeatedly on the sofa.
MAXINE
So, where’s your daddy stay? Hmm?
Anne-Marie starts crying.
Hmm? Don’t be sad! I’m sure you’re Dad isn’t mad at you but he won’t marry Mom.
ANNE-MARIE
No! Mom!
RENEE
Anne-Marie, what’s wrong?
ANNE-MARIE
Dad’s mad at me!
RENEE
What? No, that’s not true.
MAXINE
I told her that your F**k buddy wasn’t her Dad…! I did, just now. Kids should know the truth… okay, Anne-Marie, are you alright?
RENEE
How could you! I just had my boyfriend on the phone, he’s coming over. He’ll stay as often as he wants.
MAXINE
I guess I just won’t be able to sleep at night.
Enter landlady.
CARRIE
Hello ladies! Hello Anne-Marie. What is all this noise about?
MAXINE
I’m depressed. I can’t sleep because Renee isn’t married.
CARRIE
Maxine, your loud music kept me awake last night. If you want to play music that loud I’ll have to ask you to leave.
MAXINE
Loud? No, that wasn’t. What’s loud was her bumpin’ in the night, that’s what! Didn’t you hear it?
RENEE
Bumpin’! How dare you! That’s my daughter. She is perfectly comfortable with my boyfriend there.
MAXINE
Okay, well- I had to pump up the jam to cover up the sound of you two…!
CARRIE
No, Maxine- you’re annoying. You haven’t cleaned the bathroom, emptied the kitchen trash can, or washed the dishes in I can’t remember when because I do it for you! You’re a lazy drunk and I want you out.
MAXINE
I’m not leaving.
CARRIE
I’m sorry but you have to or I’ll call the police to settle this argument.
MAXINE
Fine!
-
Kathleen S.
Re-Write for #15
EXT FLOWERS AND BOTANICAL ARBORETUM STORE, ARMSTRONG GARDEN CENTER
Squire is working as a landscaper and gardener at the store. He is moving around trees and bushes and flowers outside with a pick up truck.
Nancy is working in the office and answering telephone calls. She is watching what he is doing as if he interests her a lot.
NANCY
(On the telephone)
Mr. Shinsuke… Why, you could even add a row of roses to surround your Japanese garden, have you thought of that? The weather has been cooperating.
(Listens )
Oh? The Shinto spirits aren’t mad this summer… no draught and just enough rain. What? Your orange tree… yes, keep it. One thing- plenty of succulents are always the best thing to surround a house. Why not add a few more?
(Listens)
Yes, of course I have everything you ordered. I’m sending over Squire. Now I want to be sure it’s all perfect, okay?
(Listens)
Very good, I know you’ll love it! Thanks and goodbye!
JUST BEYOND THE OFFICE
Squire has removed his shirt and is looking really buff and bronzed, glistening with perspiration. The sun is hot, and he is wetting himself with a garden hose, smiling.
SQUIRE
A-a-h! That’s better, I’m really cooled and refreshed. I was in a sweat just look at all the trees I had to move in the new shipment!
NANCY
Aren’t they beautiful? I just want to be sure that you care for them correctly, some of them need special treatment. I’ll tell you what… Take a break!
SQUIRE
Nancy, those donuts are mine! I’m heading over to the shade now and be right back.
NANCY
Squire, you don’t forget the delivery and planting Shinsuke’s garden later this afternoon!
SQUIRE
Of course.
Nancy makes a phone call…
NANCY
Hello, Mrs. Grover this is Nancy calling from Armstrong Garden Center. How are you today? I just wanted to invite to see our new perrenials for your garden. Come and take a look, I know you’ll love them.
(Listens)
Excellent. When can you come?
She puts her hand over the phone.
(Listens)
Just a minute-
Squire appears, stretching after being freshly rested.
NANCY
There you are. It’s about time you get the shipment over to Shinsuke’s house.
(On telephone)
Tomorrow at noon then. Have a good day!
SQUIRE
Nancy, there are so many trees, succulents, and all those flowers, why don’t you come along and we’ll garden together?
NANCY
(Reluctant)
Squire, I’m very busy in the office this afternoon… but you know I love planting gardens. Squire, if you weren’t late in the mornings you could have all those plants out already.
SQUIRE
Late? Nancy, I can hardly get enough rest after working so hard. You want overtime from me, it could pay more.
NANCY
You might need dinner on me… I’ll go with you and make sure you can get everything done. I’ll have to close up the office, there’s no one here.
SQUIRE
Come on with me, and you can help me finish the job. I worked all day yesterday on their yard. I’ll get the truck ready.
NANCY
Sounds like a plan!
EXT SHINSUKE’S HOME, LATER
Squire pulls up the truck into the Shinsuke home driveway. He begins to ready everything for the digging and the planting. Nancy helps unloading the trees, plants, and flowers.
SQUIRE
Did you see the swimming pool in back? How refreshing that looks!
Mr. Shinsuke isn’t home… I might jump in!
NANCY
If we could only get them to plant another row of flowers. I think maybe in the back. Let’s get to work! What time is it?
SQUIRE
It’s after 2pm.
NANCY
Squire, this should’ve been done already. Why didn’t you finish the groundwork yesterday?
SQUIRE
I couldn’t understand what the man was saying, he’s Japanese. He said all around the house are the flower beds, and the Japanese garden rock pathways are going here. I already dug up the trees that were bearing too much fruit.
NANCY
You what?!
SQUIRE
Too much fruit bearing, that’s what I though he said!
NANCY
Where are they? I’m sure he said to keep them. He just wanted them moved.
SQUIRE
He said too much fruit on ground. Flowers and not too much. I already got rid of most of them.
NANCY
Oh my gosh, I don’t think that’s right. Do you have his phone number?
SQUIRE
He doesn’t answer unless it’s an international call.
NANCY
Well, come on let’s plant.
They begin arranging all rows and planting things in the ground where they think they should be.
SQUIRE
Where does this go? This tree?
NANCY
Squire, I don’t know. You should’ve asked him and now you’re not sure.
(Pausing)
That’s an orange. He said between the other oranges. Where are they?
SQUIRE
Nancy, they’re gone. You know, I can’t think because it’s too hot. Besides, I can only think in Spanish, not Japanese at all.
NANCY
Really?
SQUIRE
I’m going to cool off…
Squire removes his shirt, and jumps straight into the pool.
NANCY
No, don’t! We have work to finish.
SQUIRE
Nancy, finish without me, I’m getting cool.
Nancy, gets back to the work of placing all of the plants in the ground.
Unexpectedly, Mr. Shinsuke arrives home. His car pulls up in the driveway.
SHINSUKE
Hello, gardener! You’re Nancy?
NANCY
Oh, Mr. Shinsuke you’re here!
(Shouts to Squire)
He’s here! He’s here already!
SQUIRE
He’s arrived!? Here I come.
Squire steps up to him dripping wet.
Shinsuke hello, it was very hot.
SHINSUKE
Yes, I think you should be working, not swimming. Why aren’t these arranged right? The spirits of Shinto are disturbed! I am home early to tell you the right way.
NANCY
(Very worried)
Oh, dear sir I hope we can get everything arranged.
SHINSUKE
(Very mad)
Where are the oranges that should be here? Where is my favorite orange tree?
SQUIRE
I’m sure we can get you a new one.
SHINSUKE
(Very upset)
Oh no! That means the death of the oldest orange tree. You’re not supposed to have cut it down… The Kami spirits will kill you!
-
LOGLINE: Nancy has hired Squire at her landscaping company called Armstrong Garden Center. They have a job to do arranging the trees, flowers, and plants at a house owned by a Japanese man named Shinsuke. Squire messes up the arrangement not understanding the Japanese Shinto.
ESSENCE: Squire would rather go swimming and thinks he can seduce Nancy to get paid even though he hasn’t completed the work and misarranged the garden.
SCENE: (post scene here)
ASSIGNMENT 14
EXT FLOWERS AND BOTANICAL ARBORETUM STORE, ARMSTRONG GARDEN CENTER
Squire is working as a landscaper and gardener at the store. He is moving around trees and bushes and flowers outside with a pick up truck.
Nancy is working in the office and answering telephone calls. She is watching what he is doing as if he interests her a lot.
NANCY
(On the telephone)
The weather has been cooperating like mad this summer no draught and just enough rain…Why, you could even add a row of roses, have you thought of that? Fires or floods not a problem this year so far… plenty of succulents are always the best thing to surround a house.
(Listens)
Yes, of course I have everything you ordered. You’re going to love the yard and just enjoy all those lovely flowers and rows of plants. Now I want to be sure it’s all perfect, okay?
(Listens)
Very good, thanks and goodbye!
JUST BEYOND THE OFFICE
Squire has removed his shirt and is looking really buff and bronzed, glistening with perspiration. The sun is hot, and he is wetting himself with a garden hose, smiling.
SQUIRE
A-a-h! That’s better, I’m really cooled and refreshed. I was in a sweat just look at all the trees I had to move in the new shipment!
NANCY
Aren’t they beautiful? I just want to be sure that you care for them correctly, some of them need special treatment. I’ll tell you what… Take a break!
SQUIRE
Nancy, those donuts are mine! I’m heading over to the shade now and be right back.
NANCY
Squire, you don’t forget the delivery later this afternoon!
SQUIRE
Of course.
Nancy makes a phone call…
NANCY
Hello, Mrs. Grover this is Nancy calling from Armstrong Garden Center. How are you today? I just wanted to invite to see our new perrenials for your garden. Come and take a look, I know you’ll love them.
(Listens)
Excellent. When can you come?
(Listens)
Tomorrow at noon then. Have a good day!
Squire appears, stretching after being freshly rested.
NANCY
There you are. It’s about time you get the shipment over to Shinsuke’s house.
SQUIRE
Nancy, there are so many trees, succulents, and all those flowers, why don’t you come along and we’ll plant together?
NANCY
Squire, I’m very busy in the office this afternoon. You know I love planting gardens. Squire, if you weren’t late in the mornings you could have all those plants out already.
SQUIRE
Late? Nancy, I can hardly get enough rest after working so hard. You want overtime from me, it could pay more.
NANCY
You might need lunch on me tomorrow. I’ll go with you and make sure you can get everything done. I’ll have to close up the office, there’s no one here.
SQUIRE
Come on with me, and you can get my dinner. I’ll get the truck ready.
NANCY
Sounds like a plan!
EXT SHINSUKE’S HOME, LATER
Squire pulls up the truck into the Shinsuke home driveway. He begins to ready everything for the digging and the planting. Nancy helps unloading the trees, plants, and flowers.
SQUIRE
Did you see the swimming pool in back? How refreshing that looks!
Mr. Shinsuke isn’t home… I might jump in!
NANCY
If we could only get them to plant another row of flowers. I think maybe in the back. Let’s get to work! What time is it?
SQUIRE
It’s after 2pm.
NANCY
Squire, this should’ve been done already. Why didn’t you finish the groundwork yesterday?
SQUIRE
I couldn’t understand what the man was saying, he’s Japanese. He said all around the house are the flower beds, and the Japanese garden rock pathways are going here. I already dug up the trees that were bearing too much fruit.
NANCY
You what?!
SQUIRE
Too much fruit bearing, that’s what he said!
NANCY
Where are they? I’m sure he said to keep them. He just wanted them moved.
SQUIRE
He said too much fruit on ground. Flowers and not too much. I already got rid of most of them.
NANCY
Oh my gosh, I don’t think that’s right. Do you have his phone number?
SQUIRE
He doesn’t answer unless it’s an international call.
NANCY
Well, come on let’s plant.
They begin arranging all rows and planting things in the ground where they think they should be.
SQUIRE
Where does this go? This tree?
NANCY
Squire, I don’t know. You should’ve asked him and now you’re not sure.
(Pausing)
That’s an orange. He said between the other oranges. Where are they?
SQUIRE
Nancy, they’re gone. You know, I can’t think because it’s too hot. Besides, I can only think in Spanish, not Japanese at all.
NANCY
Really?
SQUIRE
I’m going to cool off…
Squire removes his shirt, and jumps straight into the pool.
NANCY
No, don’t! We have work to finish.
SQUIRE
Nancy, finish without me, I’m getting cool.
Nancy, gets back to the work of placing all of the plants in the ground.
Unexpectedly, Mr. Shinsuke arrives home. His car pulls up in the driveway.
SHINSUKE
Hello, gardener! You’re Nancy?
NANCY
Oh, Mr. Shinsuke you’re here!
(Shouts to Squire)
He’s here! He’s here already!
SQUIRE
He’s arrived!? Here I come.
Squire steps up to him dripping wet.
Shinsuke hello, it was very hot.
SHINSUKE
Yes, I think you should be working, not swimming. Why aren’t these arranged right? The spirits of Shinto are disturbed! I am home early to tell you the right way.
NANCY
Oh, dear sir I hope we can get everything arranged.
SHINSUKE
Where are the oranges that should be here? Where is my favorite orange tree?
SQUIRE
I’m sure we can get you a new one.
SHINSUKE
Oh no! That was the oldest tree. You’re not supposed to have cut it down.
-
Kathleen S
I’ve learned that focusing on the protagonist’s progress in the story within the scene is the best thing. To consider all of the challenges and ways of maximizing interest is great to effectively make improvements to the writing.
Challenging Situations Scene 1:
A. Current Scene Logline: My scene 43 begins with the arrival of friends at our protagonist Lacy’s door. Her partner is absent and there is a ghost haunting her house. She asked them to help and they brought a Ouija board thinking it will be fun and their cheerfulness will chase away any bad spirits.
B. Essence: It is important to get the ghosts out of the house, and protect Lacy who is there all alone. The group of friends are cheerful about making plans for a wedding, but- the band of outlaws who are ghosts are threatening their lives, in particular Lacy.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.:
One goal for Lacy is to solve the problem of ghost possession.
Survival is the foremost need. They scare her.
Friendship values, marriage vow.
Wounds that are actually caused by spirit possession.
Physical need for comfort and stability. Protection of property.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.
I’m going to make this scarier, and more threatening to Lacy’s life. I also want to use our strategies of maximum interest techniques to add lots of suspense and surprise, perhaps also shock and/ or Horror.
Scene 2:
A. Current Scene Logline: Lacy goes to visit Fr. Mack at the parish to tell him about the ghost. She wants to confess that having the ghost in bed was pleasurable at first. Fr. Mack compels the ghost to leave her with the Holy spirit.
B. Essence: Fr. Mack explains to Lacy that the Holy Spirit is the ghost that we all can share, and that any ghost that possesses a person must leave them once and for all. Lacy wants him to help guide her and marriage plans to proceed.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges:
Goal, Lacy frees herself of any spiritual impurity due to the interaction with ghosts.
Needs. She needs the comfort of the church and her pastor to be in attendance at the ceremony and reception.
Values, Religious beliefs, and marriage
Wound, Lacy has been nearly raped by the ghost and fears her marriage isn’t timed right.
Physical, She has been shaken and disturbed by it.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.
This scene I would like to write that she is under possession and begins to think that having the ghost’s constant attention is a good answer to Ken’s being absent from home. She could even welcome him in bed… but has thought about suicide.
-
Kathleen
What I’ve learned about improving my characters is that we must face these complicated challenges ourselves and not wait for collaborators or critics while we look forward to having viewers appreciate how the story is terrific.
1-
Description: JDog is the name of this 19th century outlaw who as a child was bitten by a dog and went mad.
Traits: Wild, Mean, Loyal, Mad
Subtext: JDog follows a trail with his band of outlaws, into the 21st century which leads him to a woman who is sleeping alone in her house.
JDog will blindly follow the leader of their posse who is Jesse Evans. When he arrives at the house as a ghost, he finds that the woman is vulnerable but without his band he’s no one.
1- better
Description: JDog is the name of this 19th century outlaw who as a child was bitten by a dog and went mad. As a young adult he lusts to go out on his own without Jesse.
Traits: Wild, Mean, Loyal, Lusting
Subtext: JDog follows a trail with his band of outlaws, into the 21st century where he no longer comprehends time or space having become a ghost. Finding the woman alone at her house he evokes fear which becomes terror and decides to kill her to have her companionship.
2-
Description: Charles Ray is also known as “Pony”, a 19th century outlaw who is always possessed by spirits from the past and never leaves his pard Dolly’s side.
Traits: Strong, undying, faithful, crazy
Subtext: He goes along with Dolly forward in time. When they are in century 21 they ride the same motorcycle. Different men who are ghosts possess CR and they ride together. They fight and it is kill or be killed, and he is resistant.
2- better
Description: Charles Ray is also known as “Pony”, a 19th century outlaw who is frequently possessed by spirits from the past, and never leaves his pard Dolly’s side. Miraculously, he gets killed again and again, but keeps on living. Traveling between centuries is no trouble for him.
Traits: Strong, invincible, faithful, possessed
Subtext: He travels with Dolly forward in time from century 19. When they are in century 21 they ride the same motorcycle. Different men who are ghosts possess CR and they ride together. They fight death and it is kill or be killed.
3-
Description: Lacy is a young woman who owns a ranch house, works a corporate job and rides horses at the fair each year. She is engaged to be married when the ghost of an outlaw rapes her.
Traits: Loving, Sturdy, hard-working, Pretty
Subtext: While planning the marriage ceremony, reception and honeymoon, she thinks about moving out of the house when the ghost of an outlaw terrifies her. Her mother and father give their support and plans proceed.
3- better
Description: Lacy is a young woman who owns a ranch house, works a corporate job and rides horses at the fair each year. She is training a girl and her horse too, when her property is invaded by men from the past, who appear riding motorcycles. She is engaged to be married when the ghost of an outlaw rapes her.
Traits: Loving, Sturdy, Equestrian, Pretty
Subtext: While renovating the property, planning the marriage ceremony, reception, and honeymoon, the ghost of an outlaw terrifies her and she thinks about moving out of the house. She and her young friend show their horses at the fair, and plans proceed in spite of the fact that ghosts have terrified her.
-
Kathleen S.
Lesson#8
QEcycle2
LOGLINE: John K. is a mail delivery driver who stops at the county Psych ward and takes a break there while talking to the patient, Nick S. and his doctor, Dr. Mann. Meanwhile, he is jumped and the patient escapes with his truck.
ESSENCE: This is what happens when a mailman is left alone with a nut, who talks him into letting his guard down.
SCENE:
The delivery man, John has to find the right person to give the package to and get his signature. A doctor tells him to wait and he’ll get the patient Nick. They have misjudged the nut who was capable of escaping and stealing the mail van after threatening John and stealing his clothes.
JOHN K.WHO IS A FED EX DELIVERY MAN IS DRIVING HIS VAN DOWN THE STREET ON HIS WAY TO THE NEXT STOP, THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL
John K., is a mail delivery driver driving down a busy road on his way to the next stop. He’s listening to some music on the radio, and thinking about the long lonely hours in his van and empty soda can. The next stop is the county Psychiatric Hospital Ward room 324, and the package is a middle-sized box for Nick Scott. Traffic slows, and John sings along to a song…
John looks at the traffic and the empty soda can in his cup holder.
He starts singing in a low tone to an AC/DC song:
JOHN
“…No stop signs,
Speed limit
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Like a wheel
Gonna spin it
Nobody’s gonna mess me around… !”
John slows the van and parks in front of the building. He gets the box out, and steps up to the sidewalk and heads into the front entrance.
JOHN
Hello, I have to deliver this box to patient Nick Scott in room 324. Can he sign for it, please?
FRONT DESK RECEPTIONIST
Hello, yes- let me see if Nick is available.
She dials the room.
No answer. It’s just around the corner if you want to knock.
Peering around the corner just down the hall there is a man overhearing this. He says to John,
DOC MANN
I’m Nick’s Doctor. Doctor Mann. Nick might be sleeping. I’ve recommended long rests for him. Wait- I think it’s best that he take it, then I can see if I’ll allow him to keep it.
JOHN
Let’s knock- I guess I can spare a few moments of time? Then I’ll have him sign for it. It’s better than having you sign for his mail don’t you think?
DOC MANN
His mother does if she’s visiting. She hasn’t been here in weeks.
John knocks on door 324.
DOC
You see, sometimes he’s not allowed to keep packages, especially when they’re full of home baked goods. Let me open the door and see.
Doc opens the door.
Nick, you’re awake! There’s mail. Look here-
Nick is wide awake and is dressed in his robe, sitting up on the edge of his bed.
NICK
Hello, Doctor! Hi there-
JOHN
Hi there! Sign here please, package for Nick Scott is that you?
NICK-
I don’t think I’m Nick Scott!
Just a moment- is it for me, really? My name is Don Pardo. Is this free?
DOCTOR
You’re name isn’t Don Pardo.
NICK
If it was, it couldn’t be for me. Tomorrow I’m a new man, right Doc- isn’t that now?
JOHN
If you’re name is Don Pardo, then I drive a white van.
NICK
It’s for you. As a present.
JOHN
I’m sorry but you must sign your name.
DOC
You’re Nick Scott.
NICK
Okay, I am.
Nick signs it.
Doctor, please let him stay and see what’s in the box! If it’s allowed… will you stay?
DOC
Of course it’s for Nick. Let me get you a soda my friend!
JOHN
Yes!
Doc hands John a coke.
NICK
Here-
JOHN
Thank you, it’s nice and cold. I guess it couldn’t hurt- a short break from my route.
Nick opens the box with excitement.
NICK
Fresh bakery. Here take some cookies- please!
Doc takes one, then John.
DOC
Thank you!
JOHN
Thank you!
Just then a female nurse appears from down the hall. As she walks by she calls the doctor’s name. With cookies, He steps out into the hall.
NICK
(Going crazy)
Oh, I’ve got to show Doc this! How perfectly comforting…
It’s a teddy bear! Oh, it’s perfectly soft!
He begins cradling it and petting it’s head.
I want to give it to you as a present.
John is eating cookies.
JOHN
A present, look at that. No, thank you!
These cookies are very good. Thank your Ma. I don’t usually have cookies with nuts. Say, when do you get out of here? Well, I’ve got to be going… is that the bathroom?
NICK
Sure. Just don’t leave. This is yours, see?
I’m nuts I tell you… I have an identity disorder. Mama never gave me one of these when I was a kid. W-a-a-! Teddy! Now, one more thing…
He opens the teddy bear and takes a gun out of it.
Ha, ha! Watch this, now give me your clothes! I’ll show you! Stay quiet, get in that bathroom!
JOHN
Uh- oh, No! Don’t mess me around! It was only a joke I was telling!
NICK
Undress or I’ll shoot you in the nuts!
JOHN
Shit! You can’t be serious!
Nick hold the gun on him
Give me your clothes.
John undresses his uniform.
Nick dresses while holding the gun.
NICK
See, now I’m you! Isn’t that fun. Just wear the robe and people will think you’re Don Pardo. Goodbye!
JOHN
Ugh!
Nick slugs him and knocks him out, John loses consciousness and then shuts John in the bathroom. He dresses in the uniform and escapes outside. No one is the wiser. He jumps into the Fed Ex van and drives off laughing.
-
Kathleen S.
Lesson#8
QEcycle2
LOGLINE: John K. is a mail delivery driver who stops at the county Psych ward and takes a break there while talking to the patient, Nick S. and his doctor, Dr. Mann. Meanwhile, he is jumped and the patient escapes with his truck.
ESSENCE: This is what happens when a mailman is left alone with a nut, who talks him into letting his guard down.
SCENE:
The delivery man, John has to find the right person to give the package to and get his signature. A doctor tells him to wait and he’ll get the patient Nick. They have misjudged the nut who was capable of escaping and stealing the mail van after threatening John and stealing his clothes.
JOHN K.WHO IS A FED EX DELIVERY MAN IS DRIVING HIS VAN DOWN THE STREET ON HIS WAY TO THE NEXT STOP, THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL
John K., is a mail delivery driver driving down a busy road on his way to the next stop. He’s listening to some music on the radio, and thinking about the long lonely hours in his van and empty soda can. The next stop is the county Psychiatric Hospital Ward room 324, and the package is a middle-sized box for Nick Scott. Traffic slows, and John sings along to a song…
John looks at the traffic and the empty soda can in his cup holder.
He starts singing in a low tone to an AC/DC song:
JOHN
“…No stop signs,
Speed limit
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Like a wheel
Gonna spin it
Nobody’s gonna mess me around… !”
John slows the van and parks in front of the building. He gets the box out, and steps up to the sidewalk and heads into the front entrance.
JOHN
Hello, I have to deliver this box to patient Nick Scott in room 324. Can he sign for it, please?
FRONT DESK RECEPTIONIST
Hello, yes- let me see if Nick is available.
She dials the room.
No answer. It’s just around the corner if you want to knock.
Peering around the corner just down the hall there is a man overhearing this. He says to John,
DOC MANN
I’m Nick’s Doctor. Doctor Mann. I will sign for the package if you want. Nick might be sleeping. I’ve recommended long rests for him. It might be best that I take it, I might not allow him to have it.
JOHN
Let’s knock, please? Then I’ll have him sign for it. It’s better than having you sign for his mail don’t you think?
DOC MANN
His mother does if she’s visiting. she hasn’t been here in weeks.
JOHN
Don’t you think his mother would want him to have his mail?
John knocks on door 324.
DOC
You see, sometimes he’s not allowed to keep packages, especially when they’re full of home baked goods. Let me open the door and see.
Doc opens the door.
Nick, you’re awake! There’s mail. Look here-
NICK
Hello, Doctor!
JOHN
Your name please, sign here –
NICK-
Just a moment- is it for me, really? My name is Don Pardo. Is this free?
DOCTOR
You’re name isn’t Don Pardo.
NICK
Is that who it’s for?
DOC
You’re Nick Scott.
JOHN
If you’re name is Don Pardo, then I drive a white van.
DOC
It’s Nick.
He signs it.
Of course it’s for Nick. Let me get you a soda my friend!
NICK
Doctor, please let him stay and see what’s in the box! If it’s allowed… will you stay?
JOHN
Yes!
Nick hands John a coke.
NICK
Here-
JOHN
Thank you, it’s nice and cold. I guess a break from my route couldn’t hurt.
Nick opens the box with excitement.
NICK
Fresh bakery. Here take some cookies- please!
DOC
Thank you!
JOHN
I shouldn’t!
Just then a woman appears from down the hall. As she walks by she calls the doctor’s name. With cookies, He steps out into the hall.
NICK
(Going crazy)
Oh, I’ve got to show Doc this! How perfectly comforting…
It’s a teddy bear! Oh, it’s perfect, and it’s mine!
He begins cradling it and petting it’s head.
John is eating cookies.
JOHN
A present, look at that.
These cookies are very good. Thank your Ma. I don’t usually have cookies with nuts. Say, when do you get out of here?
Well, I’ve got to be going … is that the bathroom?
NICK
Sure. Just don’t leave.
I’m nuts I tell you… I have an identity disorder because Mama never gave me one of these when I was a kid. W-a-a-! Teddy! W-a-a-, Mama!
He opens the teddy bear and takes a gun out of it.
Ha, ha! Take this, I’ll show you! Stay quiet, get in that bathroom!
JOHN
Uh- oh, No! Don’t mess me around! It was only a joke I was telling!
NICK
Undress or I’ll shoot you in the nuts!
JOHN
Shit! You can’t be serious!
Nick hold the gun on him
Give me your clothes.
JOHN
Ugh!
Nick slugs him and knocks him out, John loses consciousness and then shuts John in the bathroom. He dresses in the uniform and escapes outside. No one is the wiser. He jumps into the Fed Ex van and drives off laughing.
-
Hello- I think this is a nice scene. The one thing I would like to see to bring out the essence is that the confrontation and fight over the birthday present come out in the water balloon fight. Then ending with satisfaction of the resolution in which Nick, would agree to John’s present which he finds on his phone due to the battle of the balloons. Some of the character traits show like Nick’s rebellious attitude against the condo association. John seems distrustful when he suggests that his brother would like to bribe his kids.
-
Kathleen S.
Lesson#8
QEcycle2
LOGLINE: John K. is a mail delivery driver who stops at the county Psych ward and takes a break there while talking to the patient, Nick S. and his doctor, Dr. Mann. Meanwhile, he is jumped and the patient escapes with his truck.
ESSENCE: This is what happens when a mailman is left alone with a nut, who talks him into letting his guard down.
SCENE:
The delivery man, John has to find the right person to give the package to and get his signature. A doctor tells him to wait and he’ll get the patient Nick. They have misjudged the nut who was capable of escaping and stealing the mail van after threatening John and stealing his clothes.
JOHN K.WHO IS A FED EX DELIVERY MAN IS DRIVING HIS VAN DOWN THE STREET ON HIS WAY TO THE NEXT STOP, THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL
John K., is a mail delivery driver driving down a busy road on his way to the next stop. He’s listening to some music on the radio, and thinking about the long lonely hours in his van and empty soda can. The next stop is the county Psychiatric Hospital Ward room 324, and the package is a middle-sized box for Nick Scott. Traffic slows, and John sings along to a song…
John looks at the traffic and the empty soda can in his cup holder.
He starts singing in a low tone to an AC/DC song:
JOHN
“…No stop signs,
Speed limit
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Like a wheel
Gonna spin it
Nobody’s gonna mess me around… !”
John slows the van and parks in front of the building. He gets the box out, and steps up to the sidewalk and heads into the front entrance.
JOHN
Hello, I have to deliver this box to patient Nick Scott in room 324. Can he sign for it, please?
FRONT DESK RECEPTIONIST
Hello, yes- let me see if Nick is available.
She dials the room.
No answer. It’s just around the corner if you want to knock.
Peering around the corner just down the hall there is a man overhearing this. He says to John,
DOC MANN
I’m Nick’s Doctor. Doctor Mann. I will sign for the package if you want. Nick might be sleeping. I’ve recommended long rests for him. It might be best that I take it, I might not allow him to have it.
JOHN
Let’s knock, please? Then I’ll have him sign for it. It’s better than having you sign for his mail don’t you think?
DOC MANN
His mother does if she’s visiting. she hasn’t been here in weeks.
John knocks on door 324.
DOC
You see, sometimes he’s not allowed to keep packages, especially when they’re full of home baked goods. Let me open the door and see.
Doc opens the door.
Nick, you’re awake! There’s mail. Look here-
NICK
Hello, Doctor!
JOHN
Sign here please.
NICK-
Just a moment- is it for me, really? My name is Don Pardo. Is this free?
DOCTOR
You’re name isn’t Don Pardo.
NICK
Is that who it’s for?
DOC
You’re Nick Scott.
JOHN
If you’re name is Don Pardo, then I drive a white van.
DOC
It’s Nick.
He signs it.
Of course it’s for Nick. Let me get you a soda my friend!
Doctor, please let him stay and see what’s in the box! If it’s allowed… will you stay?
JOHN
Yes!
Nick hands John a coke.
NICK
Here-
JOHN
Thank you, it’s nice and cold. I guess a break from my route couldn’t hurt.
Nick opens the box with excitement.
NICK
Fresh bakery. Here take some cookies- please!
DOC
Thank you!
Just then a woman appears from down the hall. As she walks by she calls the doctor’s name. With cookies, He steps out into the hall.
NICK
Going crazy
Oh, I’ve got to show Doc this! How perfectly comforting…
It’s a teddy bear! Oh, it’s perfect, and it’s mine!
He begins cradling it and petting it’s head.
John is eating cookies.
JOHN
A present, look at that.
These cookies are very good. Thank your Ma. I don’t usually have cookies with nuts. Say, when do you get out of here?
Well, I’ve got to be going … is that the bathroom?
NICK
Sure. Just don’t leave.
I’m nuts I tell you… I have an identity disorder because Mama never gave me one of these when I was a kid. W-a-a-! Teddy! W-a-a-, Mama!
He opens the teddy bear and takes a gun out of it.
Ha, ha! Take this, I’ll show you! Stay quiet, get in that bathroom!
JOHN
Uh- oh, No! Don’t mess me around! It was only a joke I was telling!
NICK
Undress or I’ll shoot you in the nuts!
JOHN
Shit! You can’t be serious!
Nick hold the gun on him
Give me your clothes.
JOHN
Ugh!
Nick slugs him and knocks him out, John loses consciousness and then shuts John in the bathroom. He dresses in the uniform and escapes outside. No one is the wiser. He jumps into the Fed Ex van and drives off laughing.
-
Kathleen Re-Write cycle1
INT. BIKER BAR
Sports Bar and restaurant
Trent and Robert are both celebrating at an engagement party for their mutual friends Bryan and Wendy at the sports bar. When bikers who are a gang of motorcyclists come in and make themselves at home, there is a clash of couture.
TRENT
Bryan, my man! You must tell me where the gifts registry is. I will definitely be buying you both gifts. I really do want to buy you something very nice.
BRYAN
Oh, Trent you really would? We’d like that, me and Wendy.
TRENT
How about after the wedding, a honeymoon perhaps?
BRYAN
We are going on a cruise vacation to the Bahamas. We can’t wait to get away.
TRENT
Away? Away from who? You know I’d like to join you. Let me know the flight details.
BRYAN
Would you really? That would be- well, let’s see…
TRENT
Come and sit down with me and eat later and I’ll buy you diner.
A rowdy few bikers enter the bar area from outside. They are very large and intimidating, and wearing matching vests. Dolores enters with them in her leather gear.
BIKER 1
This some kind of party? I haven’t seen you people before.
Indicating his seat which is being used by Trent, he pulls the barstool out.
This here is the seat where I always sit with Dolores.
BRYAN
Please be our guests! What’s your name?
BIKER1
I’m Rattlesnake.
BRYAN
Rattlesnake? Hi, I’m Bryan. This is Wendy, we just got engaged.
WENDY
We’re having an engagement party. We’re filling up the place, what fun.
BIKER 2
They sure are havin’ fun. Just look at these invited guests!
BIKER 1
It’s so crowded that it’s making me sweat.
BIKER 2
Let’s go into the backroom, it’s so much more spacious.
BIKER 1
(Kind of mad)
Well, alright. Come on Dolores.
DOLORES
Rattlesnake, I’m going to hang out at the bar for a while.
Dolores sits on a stool by Trent.
Robert notices Wendy by the bar.
ROBERT
There you are, Wendy!
Greets her kissing her cheek.
WENDY
Haven’t seen you and Trent in ages! I’m so glad that you texted me you were coming.
DOLORES
I’m Dolores- let’s chat a while.
ROBERT
Ladies! The drinks are on me of course.
Trent has approached the bar.
TRENT
Robert- are you sure? I’d buy a full round. Maybe the next ones!
The women are seated together with another lady friend named Heather.
ROBERT
(To Heather)
Do you know how they met that gentleman Trent? I’ll let you in on a little secret. He was at the Yacht club one night, when he was stopped at the door. He didn’t have an invitation. Well, Wendy was there and thought he was so pathetic that she invited him in. He spent the night with Bryan who thought he was so funny because he thought Wendy found him attractive. It was so ridiculous!
HEATHER
Wendy told me that she and Bryan have been together since they were teens. Trent was always jealous.
BIKER 3
(Approaching Robert)
You don’t own a motorcycle pal?
ROBERT
No, I don’t.
BIKER 3
You probably couldn’t handle it.
ROBERT
Watch this- okay, Trent! Trent-
Did you promise to buy a round of alcohol? These bikers…
TRENT
A round of drinks? No, that was uh-
Just then, unexpectedly a Yacht captain arrives through the front door.
CAP’T
Hello Bryan, Wendy! Trent, is that you?
WENDY
Hello Cap’t, let’s have a drink together.
CAP’T
I didn’t expect to see Trent here at your engagement party.
Robert sidles over to him and chats.
ROBERT
Trent is a more than a little jealous. I was surprised too.
Suddenly interrupts… Rattlesnake
BIKER1 (RATTLESNAKE)
Where’s my drink? Why didn’t you buy Dolores a drink?
TRENT
I don’t know, do you?
BIKER1
(Grabbing Trent’s shirt)
You took our bar seats remember! Now don’t sit by my girlfriend.
Pulls Trent’s shirt along with him.
BIKER1
Come on sit with us, fool.
They go into the back room where their table is and sit with other bikers.
BIKER1
I hate people who don’t ride motorcycles.
He stands up and faces Trent.
DOLORES
I don’t ride one. Too dangerous.
Trent takes a gun out of his jacket pocket and points it in the direction of the biker Rattlesnake.
TRENT
How dare you do that to me, push me down and in front of Wendy!
BIKER1
Oh, yeah!
Cap’t arrives.
Wendy arrives with an extra drink.
WENDY
Here- somebody want this -?
Throws it in the Trent’s face.
CAP’T
Hold on just second, what’s going on here?
Trent puts the gun to his mouth.
TRENT
I’m leaving… this way or the other. Bryan- you know that it’s Wendy’s decision but she always liked me a lot. Wendy- please don’t marry Bryan.
WENDY
Trent! Bryan and I are getting married. You’ve gone crazy, put the gun down.
CAP’T
You’re over reacting, just hand me that pistol.
BRYAN
Don’t shoot! They’ll have you arrested. We both like you Trent, really now!
Biker 2 grabs Trent from behind with biker 3.
Trent drops the pistol and starts crying.
ROBERT
Trent, pull yourself together. Gentlemen, I’m sorry- I should’ve known. I’ll take Trent outta here. Come on.
-
Kathleen Schank
INT. BIKER BAR
Sports Bar and restaurant
Trent and Robert are both celebrating at an engagement party for their mutual friends Bryan and Wendy at the biker bar.
TRENT
Just tell me where the gifts registry is. I will definitely be buying you both gifts. I really do want to buy you something very nice.
BRYAN
Oh, Trent you really would? We’d like that, me and Wendy.
TRENT
How about after the wedding, a honeymoon perhaps?
BRYAN
We are going on a cruise vacation to the Bahamas. We can’t wait to get away.
TRENT
Away? Away from who? You know I’d like to join you. Let me know the flight details.
BRYAN
Would you really? That would be- well, let’s see…
TRENT
Come and sit down with me and eat later.
A rowdy few bikers enter the bar area from outside. They are very large and intimidating, and wearing matching vests. Dolores enters with them.
BIKER 1
This some kind of party?
Indicating his seat which is being used by Trent.
This here is the seat where I always sit with Dolores.
BRYAN
Please be our guests!
WENDY
We’re having an engagement party. We’re filling up the place, what fun.
BIKER 2
They sure are havin’ fun. Just look at these invited guests!
BIKER 1
It’s so crowded that it’s making me sweat.
BIKER 2
Let’s go into the backroom, it’s so much more spacious.
BIKER 1
(Kind of mad)
Well, alright.
Robert notices Wendy by the bar.
ROBERT
There you are, Wendy!
Greets her kissing her cheek.
WENDY
Haven’t seen you and Trent in ages! I’m so glad that you texted me you were coming.
DOLORES
I’m Dolores- let’s chat a while.
ROBERT
Ladies! The drinks are on me of course.
Trent has approached the bar.
TRENT
Robert- are you sure? I’d buy a full round. Maybe the next ones!
TIM
Next ones on me!
TRENT
Alright.
ROBERT
(To Dolores)
Do you know how they met that gentleman Trent? I’ll let you in on a little secret. He was at the Yacht club one night, when he was stopped at the door. He didn’t have an invitation. Well, Wendy was there and thought he was so pathetic that she invited him in. He spent the night with Bryan who thought he was so funny because he thought Wendy found him attractive. It was so ridiculous!
DOLORES
Wendy and Bryan have been together since they were teens. Trent was always jealous.
BIKER 3
(Approaching Robert)
You don’t own a motorcycle pal?
ROBERT
No, I don’t.
BIKER 3
You probably couldn’t handle it.
ROBERT
Watch this- okay, Trent! Trent-
Did you promise to buy a round of alcohol?
TRENT
A round of drinks? No, that was uh- you.
A sea captain arrives through the front door.
CAP’T
Hello Bryan, Wendy! Trent, is that you?
TRENT
Hello Cap’t.
CAP’T
I didn’t expect to see Trent here at your engagement party.
Robert sidles over to him and chats.
ROBERT
Trent is a more than a little jealous. I was surprised too.
BIKER 1
(Shouting from the back room.)
Dolores come in here.
DOLORES
Come and sit by my friend there, come on.
TRENT
Dolores-
BIKER1
Where’s my drink? Why didn’t you buy Dolores a drink?
TRENT
I don’t know, do you?
BIKER1
(Grabbing Trent’s shirt)
You took my seat remember! Not don’t take my girlfriend.
Pushes Trent down.
Wendy arrives with an extra drink.
WENDY
Here- somebody want this -?
Throws it in the biker’s face.
BIKER1
I hate people who don’t ride motorcycles.
BRYAN
Wendy, come on let’s leave now.
Trent gets up.
TRENT
Leaving? Bryan- you know that it’s Wendy’s decision but she always liked me a lot. Wendy- please don’t marry Bryan, what about me?
WENDY
Trent! Bryan and I are getting married.
CAP’T
Hold on just second, what’s going on here?
Trent takes a gun out of his jacket pocket and points it in the direction of the bikers.
TRENT
How dare you do that to me, push me down and in front of Wendy!
BRYAN
Hold on, Trent…
CAP’T
You’re over reacting, just hand me that pistol.
BIKER1
Don’t shoot or they’ll have you arrested. I knew I didn’t like you!
Biker 2 grabs Trent from behind with biker 3.
Trent drops the pistol and starts crying.
TRENT
Why Bryan? Things always go wrong when I’m invited. Why didn’t I buy the drinks! I can’t tell my mother that Wendy doesn’t like me more than Bryan.
ROBERT
Trent, pull yourself together. Gentlemen, I’m sorry- I should’ve known. I’ll take Trent outta here. Come on.
-
Kathleen Schank
INT. BIKER BAR
Sports Bar and restaurant
Trent and Robert are both celebrating at an engagement party for their mutual friends Bryan and Wendy at the biker bar.
TRENT
Just tell me where the gifts registry is. I will definitely be buying you both gifts. I really do want to buy you something very nice.
BRYAN
Oh, Trent you really would? We’d like that, me and Wendy.
TRENT
How about after the wedding, a honeymoon perhaps?
BRYAN
We are going on a cruise vacation to the Bahamas. We can’t wait to get away.
TRENT
Away? Away from who? You know I’d like to join you. Let me know the flight details.
BRYAN
Would you really? That would be- well, let’s see…
TRENT
Come and sit down with me and eat later.
A rowdy few bikers enter the bar area from outside. They are very large and intimidating, and wearing matching vests. Dolores enters with them.
BIKER 1
This some kind of party?
Indicating his seat which is being used by Trent.
This here is the seat where I always sit with Dolores.
BRYAN
Please be our guests!
WENDY
We’re having an engagement party. We’re filling up the place, what fun.
BIKER 2
They sure are havin’ fun. Just look at these invited guests!
BIKER 1
It’s so crowded that it’s making me sweat.
BIKER 2
Let’s go into the backroom, it’s so much more spacious.
BIKER 1
(Kind of mad)
Well, alright.
Robert notices Wendy by the bar.
ROBERT
There you are, Wendy!
Greets her kissing her cheek.
WENDY
Haven’t seen you and Trent in ages! I’m so glad that you texted me you were coming.
DOLORES
I’m Dolores- let’s chat a while.
ROBERT
Ladies! The drinks are on me of course.
Trent has approached the bar.
TRENT
Robert- are you sure? I’d buy a full round. Maybe the next ones!
TIM
Next ones on me!
TRENT
Alright.
ROBERT
(To Dolores)
Do you know how they met that gentleman Trent? I’ll let you in on a little secret. He was at the Yacht club one night, when he was stopped at the door. He didn’t have an invitation. Well, Wendy was there and thought he was so pathetic that she invited him in. He spent the night with Bryan who thought he was so funny because he thought Wendy found him attractive. It was so ridiculous!
DOLORES
Wendy and Bryan have been together since they were teens. Trent was always jealous.
BIKER 3
(Approaching Robert)
You don’t own a motorcycle pal?
ROBERT
No, I don’t.
BIKER 3
You probably couldn’t handle it.
ROBERT
Watch this- okay, Trent! Trent-
Did you promise to buy a round of alcohol?
TRENT
A round of drinks? No, that was uh- you.
BIKER 1
(Shouting from the back room.)
Dolores come in here.
DOLORES
Come and sit by my friend there, come on.
TRENT
Dolores-
BIKER1
Where’s my drink? Why didn’t you buy Dolores a drink?
TRENT
I don’t know, do you?
BIKER1
(Grabbing Trent’s shirt)
You took my seat remember!
Pushes Trent down.
Wendy arrives with an extra drink.
WENDY
Here- somebody want this -?
Throws it in the biker’s face.
BIKER1
I hate people who don’t ride motorcycles.
-
Kathleen Schank
I’ve learned about how necessary is the skill of maximizing points of interest in great story writing. These techniques named by Hal are a good lesson on tactics of plot and .
Scene 41:
Logline:
Lacy is at home alone, her husband is away. Ghosts of outlaws invade the home. With Lacy still asleep, they decide to make themselves at home. She awakens to her covers being pulled off of her bed and chases them out the door although she doesn’t see them.
Essence:
The element of fear shows it’s face as Lacy is haunted and her life is threatened. The ghosts of outlaws laugh and have a good time even though they scare her.
Two ways to re-write:
Suspense: The audience anticipates the moment when the ghosts make actual contact with Lacy, to see what happens as she becomes increasingly afraid.
Superior Position / Dramatic Irony: Lacy doesn’t know the outlaws are outside, and she doesn’t know where they are in the house or what they are going to do…
SCENE 41, SUSPENSE and Dramatic Irony.
In the 21st century,
EXT shots of Lacy’s ranch house, twilight… ghosts of outlaws approach the house.
Lacy is home alone and is relaxing inside the house. She doesn’t see the ghosts creeping around outside.
She looks at her phone, which reads a message: It’s from Ken and it says:
I had to go out of town, busy at this party… can’t talk now, later!
LATE AT NIGHT
Lacy reads a magazine, cooks dinner for herself including dessert which is ice cream w/ strawberries. She stays awake watching all of her favorite classic movies. She appears calm and composed.
Then she texts back to Ken,
Good night Ken, have fun!
Lacy doesn’t see or hear him at all, and is frightened when an object falls off the kitchen counter by itself.
INT LIVING ROOM/ KITCHEN
Enter Outlaws
The ghosts of outlaws have entered the house through the wall or window or door… but she doesn’t see or hear them. They are J Dog, Charles Ray aka Pony, and Dolly and they’re laughing.
LACY
Is there someone there? What?
She walks into the kitchen
Lacy notices something is queer, as some noise in the kitchen and an object from the counter falls on the floor.
Lacy drinks more white wine and finishes the bottle.
She turns off the light, keeping the TV on and falls asleep.
BEDROOM
Lacy doesn’t know that JDog is in her bedroom watching her.
JDOG
I want to get some sleep in this century, and how!
The rest of the outlaws are still in the other rooms.
Outlaws enter the bedroom while Lacy sleeps.
Dreaming, she begins to see visions of the past… and feels emotions full of pleasure in her bed all alone, forgetting Ken’s not there. The ghost of the outlaw J Dog is there but she doesn’t know it’s him because he’s invisible.
DOLLY
This one’s mine!
CHARLES RAY
I want a turn.
DOLLY
A turn at what?
CHARLES RAY
I want to sleep with her.
DOLLY
That’s my job, I’m Dolly!
Suddenly, she feels scared and awakens astonished; when her invisible lover pulls the cover clear off of the bed.
LACY
(Astonished)
My blanket!
She rises out of bed quickly
Yikes! Ghosts- ? Are there ghosts here…? What do you want!
Lacy senses them but doesn’t see or hear them. She’s scared.
The TV and the lights alternately flicker on and then off and then on again by themselves.
CHARLES RAY
(Surprised by the light)
It’s too bright in here…
LACY
(Scared)
Oh, my gosh! Who’s there? You pulled off my blanket, who are you ghosts?
JDOG
Why- don’t you want Dolly to sleep with you, he won’t bite?!
Grabs a flashlight and is shining it all around… she exits the bedroom.
LACY
Where are you? Don’t be hiding in my house, you just leave now!
Lacy looks around the house in every room, trying to find them as the lights flicker on and off again.
LACY
(She almost hears them)
Go away! You devils, you were in my bed with me while I was asleep! I’m going to open the door, and you go outside-!
(She struggles and takes her robe, puts it on in a hurry down the stairs…)
DOLLY
Ma’m, please let us stay-see, we just happen to be from times past. And we wanted to try uh- watching your TV!
(They begin to laugh, but she doesn’t see or hear
CHARLES RAY
Yup, just TV watchin’. Let’s turn it on.
TV flickers on… the volume is loud.
Lacy, afraid starts crying.
Snickers, her dog is outside.
JDOG
W-o-o-f!
W-o-o-f!
LACY
Snickers?!
She calls the dog as she is trying to reach the door and get it open… she is too scared to unlock it…
Did I hear the dog? Where’s the dog- Snickers!
She opens the front door… The dog Snickers comes running…barking. She gets the door open… she still doesn’t seem to see or hear the ghosts.
(She steps back and shouts)
Get out ghosts! I’m sorry but you can’t stay here with me!
Jesse Evans is standing there when she opens it, only she doesn’t see him. The sight is frightening, it is dark out and his face is lit with reflections.
JESSE
(Laughs)
Ha, ha! It’s me… Jesse.
Come on you dogs and git outta this lady’s bedroom! You’re not behavin’ right- you leave my woman alone for now. That’s until we decide who gets to sleep in a bed at last!
Points his pistol at the boys as they make their exit.
All of the outlaws exit.
-
Kathleen Schank
Assignment three
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that it is an important skill, to be able to detail character traits and personality attributes in our stories.
Person 1- Diana
Traits
Friendly
Responsible
Fanciful
Dauntless
Person 2- Jeff
Ferocious
Dominant
Strong
Unmerciful
Person 3- Tim
Creative
Controlling
Brilliant
Fun
-
(Kathleen S.) Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is…
Script I choose: The Sugar Line
Scene 1 Location: scene7 –
Logline: Biker Bar owners commit crimes near the highway. Ken accompanies them to do a favor and become a gang member. He wants to keep this interaction secret from his fiance, and so he does.
Essence I’ve discovered:Ken has been persuaded by bikers who commit crimes, to be an accomplice to a murder and drug exchange. This is not to his advantage as his reputation as a responsible newly wed man is compromised. How could his ,e,membership to a gang be more important than his fiance? Ken turns a blind eye to a murder comitted.
New Logline: Ken hears a shot go off on the side of a highway as a drug dealer is robbed by the bar owner.
Scene 2 Location: Scene 31:Time’s Borderline
Logline: Billy rides his horse out of Lincoln, County NM and into time forward. When he lands his jump he finds a motorcycle and mounts it.
Essence I’ve discovered: Billy traverses time and space, his horse jumps right through a time barrier into the 21st century. He finds a motorcycle.
New Logline: Billy traverses time and space by jumping over a time barrier on his horse. Once in between centuries, the horse changes into a motorcycle which he lands on in century 21.
Scene 3 Location: Scene 33 Time’s Borderline
Logline: Billy’s rivals follow Dolly to the place where Billy disappeared. Horse hooves change into motorcycle skid marks.
Essence I’ve discovered: The gang has too many members and the hoof prints should disappear, not change to treads..
New Logline: The gang consisting of less members finds that horse hooves lead to nowhere and make the discovery of the time warp barrier.
Scene 4 Location: Scene 36, Rider’s Roadhouse Bar
Logline: The rival 19th century gang winds up at this 21st century bar where they confront the owner’s biker gang, searching for Billy.
Essence I’ve discovered: They are ghosts who are rustling motorcycles by taking possession of the riders.
New Logline: The scene plays out as the ghosts stop the riders by taking over their motorcycle. Then they introduce themselves by riding tricks, and someone pulls a knife. The bar owner invites them to join their gang and stay at the bar. The hunt for Billy is already implied in the story.
Scene 5 Location: Lacy’s Bedroom
Logline: Lacy has her friend Mary stay with her overnight because she is afraid of the ghost in the house. Paranormal occurrences have begun.
Essence I’ve discovered: They joke about having a husband that is invisible which is fine. But, when the ghost actually enters the room while they are asleep and rapes one of them, it needs to be scarier.
New Logline: The ladies joke about having a ghost lover but it turns scary as they awaken to an actual ghost presence which is scaring them. The ghost has begun to shake up the room and the people in the house.
-
Hello Cheryl and Hal and all of you in the class,
It is a very special pleasure to be working on writing assignments with Hal. So far I am learning to improve my writing in many ways and all about the business.
Scripts I have written are still piling up on my desktop, but guess what- they’re not bad and you might see them produced sometime in the near future! I just love working on stories.
I hope that I’ll be able to quit my day job soon enough.
My uniqueness has no limit. I do enjoy making people laugh…
‘Til then!
Kathy
-
Kathleen Schank
Finds the Essence
Shawshank Redemption- Writer/Director Frank Darabont,
Based upon the story, “Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption”
by Stephen King
Lesson1:
– Essence of concept
– Essence of story
– Essence of character
– Essence of situation
– Essence of action
– Essence of dialogue
Scene 1 Location: prison yard
Scene59-
Logline: Beer for the prisoners
Essence: Salvation in the form of suds arrives, justice for all and all for one at least for the day. Thanks to Andy.
Scene 2 Location: Andy’s Cell
Scene 86
Logline: Warden Norton arrives to see Andy’s Rita Hayworth poster and quote the Bible. “Watch ye therefore, for ye know not when the master of the house cometh”
Essence: A tense moment as we anticipate what will happen once Norton catches a glimpse of Rita. Andy is allowed to keep his salvation girl, his breath of fresh air. Andy is also given the chance to prove he’s intelligent and knows every Bible Verse.
Scene 3 Location: Brook’s Room
Scene 119-
Logline: Brooks hangs himself after carving ”Brooks was here over the railing in his room.”
Essence: Brooks no longer wants to tolerate life as a lonely old man, who is now supposed to be changed, a real member of society. He commits suicide to have life without the boys over with.
Scene 4 Location: Mess Hall
Scene 131
Logline: Andy eats lunch after returning from solitary confinement and describes his love for Mozart and how his spirit lives in him.
Essence: Andy expresses his discovery of freedom in the truth of musical appreciation which is similar to hope which can’t be taken away.
Scene 5 Location: Beach Shore
Scene299
Logline: Red rejoins Andy after being released on the shoreline.
Essence: This is the ultimate joy, the final release of both painand pleasure as they meet again, now both in freedom. The shoreline horizon expresses the beauty of an ultimate paradise which they both share as they do their friendship.
My selection for most profound essence:
I think that this, the last scene of the movie, is the best example of the most profound essence which seems to be like mankind’s escape heavenward. In the movie it is often shown in scenes from inside the prison and the prisoners own personal salvations such as gifts from Red, like the poster of Rita Hayworth. I think that many viewers will shed tears at this finale, both of joy and sorrow; the kind of sorrow that life is made of as there are so many sufferings to forebear; hopefully together.
-
Kathleen Schank
I agree to the terms of this release form
-
Nice atmosphere! Good ideas! The characters are developed well and it’s imaginative. Very enjoyable so far…
-
Hey! This is good in scenic depiction.. I would like to read more about what happens as the action is cool… and this is an interesting twist at the end. Not a bad storyline and the characters are cool… a fantastic story in the works!
-
This is very fun and interesting! I think that the profound part is comparing good fortune to wealth and true love… isn’t one just like the other, and so what if our name is different? keep up the good work!
-
I liked these descriptions in this scene.. very exciting! I think- maybe they could’ve had a more pronounced argument, but it is an inventive story with good atmosphere. Keep up the good work!
-
Don, this was written well and in the form of creating interest. It does seem to reveal betrayal. When Brandy calls Phil a “control freak” it is a good moment of anticipatory dialogue that is leading up to the surprise ending. It made me wonder what Brandy would do to get back at Phil for his treatment of her.
-
Hello Don!
Very nice work, I like the setting and story concept. I think that the situational challenges grow for our protagonist and build up into the discomfort of the final revelation that they are sharing Jerry. Renee is certainly wounded at the end and audience sympathy doesn’t lie with Maxine who has experienced embarrassment. It seems like a total surprise that Max has betrayed the pious trusting Renee. On the other hand, the mystery remains as to why Renee would still want to marry Jerry, perhaps she plotted against his new girlfriend. I think a cup of coffee in the face might slightly improve the writer’s intention. Have fun!
-
Janeen, I like this setting and characters. It seems to establish a feeling of comfort and friendship, wherein Maxine is made to feel slightly uncomfortable. This is just enough to manifest her slight paranoia, and Renee makes it a true revelation of the secret going around of her mother’s drinking problem. It’s like a betrayal…. What I suggest is that Maxine pays Connie the insult about her clothing at the end!
-
James, this is nice work on the action and characters. We can see the tension between the two detectives on their case. This is a good set up for a challenging situation, including Squire’s dinner order. The fight might even leave them physically wounded. This uncomfortable moment seems to be when the blow up doll falls out of the closet. Good depiction of the mystery of where their bad guy is and what might happen next. The cliffhanger ending works well, and leaves us with a pizza craving. Nice!
-
Hi, I like the setting and how they lure Trent into the backroom. I was a little disappointed that the S-n-M was left out because that’s where I thought the story was going… I can’t believe that Robert turned on Trent like that, or that Trent beat his kid. Well, it’s pretty good work!