[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s Thriller Map Version 1

Title: Bluejacket

Logline: When a Navy SEAL who lives alone on a sailboat is taken hostage by a couple she rescues at sea, she must fight back to survive.

1 EXT – SAILBOAT/HARBOR – DAY

Lacia stands at the edge of her boat, a lumpy duffle on her shoulder. She looks up the harbor road toward her destination. She looks at feet, willing them to move. She closes her eyes, shakes her head. She looks at her watch in her inner wrist. Measures her breath. Steps on the dock.

2 INT – GENERAL STORE – DAY

Pat owns the local grocery/USPS/library/hardware store. Behind the register are FBI Wanted posters of a young bearded guy and a grizzled old man. Lacia never talks or gives any indication that she hears Pat.

Lacia returns library books and checks out new ones. She gets her mail, signs over her disability check and picks up groceries while Pat deals with local trio of delinquents.

3 EXT – HARBOR TOWN – DAY

Returning to her boat, Lacia is intercepted by the trio who attack her. She fights them off then grabs her stuff and scurries to her boat.

4 INT/EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY

Lacia reaches the safety of her cabin. She drops her things and removes ear plugs.

She looks up the road at the trio licking their wounds as she unties the boat and leaves harbor.

5 EXT – SAILBOAT/OCEAN – DAY/NIGHT

At sea, Lacia’s days are routine and she is visibly more relaxed. She fishes, manages the boat, sleeps but never gets in the water.

One afternoon, she falls asleep while fishing. She wakes up to see her pole flying into the ocean as a big something gets away. She gets her spear and stands on the edge of the boat, unable to take the leap. She looks at her watch. Measures her breath. Steps into the water.

She catches a fish and returns to the surface. Looks around for her boat, a good distance away. She then notices a fog rolling in quickly. She flies through the water to reach her boat before it disappears. Once onboard, she hears a noise in the cabin. She leaves the fish and takes the spear.

6 INT – SAILBOAT – DAY

Lacia enters the cabin and points the spear at Rian who is devouring her food and water. Rian sets down the provisions and slowly raises his hands and shows he is unarmed and no threat.

He tells her he swam from a boat that is adrift and asks for help. She warily agrees. He cooks her catch and she leaves him to sleep outside while she is protected in the cabin.

7 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY

Fog has lifted and they go to his boat where he left his friend, Emma, who couldn’t swim the distance.

8 EXT – CRUISER – DAY

Lacia meets Emma and goes below to see if she can repair the engine. While they are alone, Rian tells Emma that Lacia is dangerous and is worried if Emma will be safe. Emma suggests they leave her some food/water and escape on her sailboat. Rian reluctantly agrees after Emma says they will send help once they reach land.

When Lacia returns to the deck, she sees her boat moving away. With a brief hesitation, she jumps in the water and swims for her boat.

9 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY

Lacia climbs aboard and wrestles Rian. Emma bashes her on the head and she is out cold.

10 INT – SAILBOAT – NIGHT

Lacia wakes up to discover she is tied up and the radio has been disabled. Rian joins her and tells her that Emma was scared of her and told him to tie her up. They don’t know how to sail and will untie her if she takes them to land. Lacia agrees. Emma enters and holds the spear at her as Rian unties her. Lacia recoils when he gets near but steadies as he unties her.

The three eat a tense meal with Rian playing the charmer to lighten the mood. He fails.

11 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY

Emma constantly keeps a weapon in her hand.

With food supplies dwindling, Lacia is going to spear fish and demands Rian is going with her to ensure she isn’t left behind. Rian notices her routine before going into the water. They successfully return to the boat with Rian singing her praises. Eaten with jealousy, Emma says she wants to dive too. Lacia secures her with a safety line and leaves Rian to keep an eye on her as she goes below.

Rian cleans the fish and throws the guts overboard as he did during the fog but this time it attracts sharks. Lacia returns to deck to see a fin and quickly yanks Emma back onboard. Emma is humiliated. Lacia notices the fish blood trail as Rian consoles Emma.

12 EXT – SAILBOAT – DAY

Lacia adjusts the sails to head for land. Rian volunteers to help and accidentally smashes Lacia’s arm and breaks her watch. Rian renders first aide but Lacia’s arm is badly injured. She won’t be able to manage the sails alone. He lets it slip that Emma disabled the radio.

13 EXT – SAILBOAT – NIGHT

After dinner, Rian sings a song that triggers Lacia. Then he accidentally detaches the sea anchor. With her injury, Lacia is unable to dive in to retrieve it.

Rian starts hoarding food.

14 EXT/INT – SAILBOAT – DAY (MULTIPLE DAYS)

Lacia must teach the couple to sail the boat. However, to remain essential, she disables the GPS and hides the navigation charts and tools.

Rian continually gets too close to and making physical contact with Lacia, triggering her PTSD. Emma sees Lacia’s reactions as a sign she is unpredictable and dangerous.

Water is running low.

Rian tells Emma that Lacia has been coming on to him during their lessons.

Emma gets sick after finding and eating Rian’s hoarded food that was spoiled.

Rian sees a small Coast Guard boat on the horizon and drugs Lacia. Emma is still out of it from the food poisoning.

Rian greets the Coast Guard crew. When he won’t let them go below, they become suspicious. One recognizes him as an FBI Wanted man. He kills them. He then sinks their boat. Lacia sees this through a drug haze that seems too like a dream to be real.

Rian checks in on the women to nurse them as they are once again alone. He finds the nav charts and sees their current location.

From his extensive time on her ship without a razor, Rian has started growing a beard. As her senses return, Lacia recognizes him from the Wanted poster at Pat’s store. He realizes she knows who he is. Lacia sends the awakened Emma to the deck to check the sails.

Once alone, they fight. The boat rocks wildly. Lacia realizes the rocking is from a storm. He knocks out Lacia and runs above to deal with Emma.

He finds her. They scuffle and he throws her overboard. But she is attached to the boat by a safety line. He tries to release it and is attacked by Lacia. She breaks free of him and struggles to pull Emma back onboard. Rian grabs Lacia and Emma is dangling from the side. She pulls herself up as Rian and Lacia fight. Emma joins the attack and together they defeat Rian.

They secure him to the mast and Lacia does her best to secure the deck. They go below to wait out the storm.

Next morning, the deck is laid waste. Rian is gone. They are dead in the water.

A Coast Guard ship arrives, looking for their missing boat. Lacia tells them what she saw. The CG tows her boat back to land. Emma makes friends with the crew while Lacia stays aboard her boat.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s Trust Relationships

What I learned: Adding specific complexity to relationships allows for more thrilling opportunities.

1. Main characters.

Hero: Lacia<div>

Villain: Rian

Red Herring Character: Emma

Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Rian

Isn’t trusted, but should be: Emma

2. Characters as trustable / not trustable.

Lacia (oldest child)

· basic state is trustable

· might appear not trustable – PTSD-caused outbursts

· circumstances causing a switch to not trustable – close physical contact, event that she can’t control, loud noises

· circumstances causing a switch from not trustable to trustable – when someone’s life is in danger

Rian (only child)

· basic state is not trustable

· might appear trustable – master manipulator and psychopath

· circumstances causing a switch to not trustable – when his safety/freedom is threatened, when he is confident he can get away with it

Emma (middle child)

· basic state is trustable

· might appear not trustable – allied with Rian to steal the boat and imprison Lacia

· circumstances causing a switch to not trustable – is easily manipulated by Rian, when jealous, when she is vying for attention

3. Character relationships.

Hero / Villain: Lacia doesn’t trust Rian from the beginning but lets her guard down as he sees to need her help; Rian sees Lacia as formidable foe but with exploitable weaknessesHero / Red Herring Character: Lacia sees Emma as petulant child and potentially dangerous; Emma sees Lacia as mother figure with all the conflicted emotions of love/hate/admire/envy
</div>

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s Twists and Turns

What I learned: Many twists are built into the MIS but this exercise was a great opportunity to reinvest in adding more thrilling twists and turns.

Thriller Plot with Twists

Act 1: Navy SEAL vet has chosen a solitary life at sea to cope with PTSD.

Opening – On land for supplies, Lacia is a duck out of water. Attacked by kids.

· Mystery – Why is Lacia afraid of leaving the boat?

· Mystery – Is Lacia deaf?

· TWIST 1: Direction – Lacia is deaf / Twist – She uses earplugs to protect herself from outside stressers

· Mystery – Who is man on the Wanted poster?

· Mystery – Store owner seems to be Lacia’s only contact with outside world. Why?

· Life Threatening – Three young men in the village attack Lacia. She fights back.

· TWIST 2: Direction – Lacia is fragile / Twist – She’s a badass with fighting skills

· Mystery – Where did Lacia learn to fight?

· Mystery – Why did Lacia pretend to be deaf?

Inciting Incident – Lacia swims back to boat in fog and discovers a strange man in cabin.

· Mystery – Why does Lacia live alone on open ocean?

· Mystery – When she loses her fishing pole, why is she afraid to go in the water?

· Life Threatening – While spear fishing in open ocean, Lacia sees fog rolling in. She must get back to her boat before it disappears in the fog.

· Life Threatening – Lacia discovers Rian in the cabin.

· TWIST 3: Direction – Lacia is alone at sea / Twist – Rian appears on her boat seemingly from nowhere

· Mystery – Who is the man in her cabin and how did he get there?

· Villain’s Plan – Rian appears nonthreatening and passive.

Turning Point – She is stranded on a dead boat when Emma & Rian steal her sailboat.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian tells Lacia they must rescue the woman he left on their adrift boat.

· Mystery – Can she trust Rian?

· Mystery – Who is on that boat?

· Villain’s Plan: Rian convinces Emma that Lacia is dangerous and they should leave her behind on their dead-in-the-water boat

· Mystery – Why would Emma agree to leave Lacia to certain death on their boat?

· Life Threatening – Lacia is left on their adrift boat and must overcome her fear of ocean to get back to her boat which is drifting away with Emma and Rian on it.

· TWIST 4: Direction – Lacia attempts to repair their boat / Twist – They leave her and steal her boat

· Life Threatening – Lacia swims to and climbs aboard her boat. Rian sneaks up behind and she is rendered unconscious.

Act 2: Lacia is forced to work with the couple if they are to survive.

New plan – To survive, Lacia must go from hostage to savior.

· Mystery – Lacia wakes up to discovered she is tied up. Why did they do this?

· Mystery – Who destroyed the radio and why?

· Life Threatening – (OC) Rian destroyed the radio while Lacia was unconscious.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian tells Lacia that Emma wanted her tied up.

· Life Threatening – Food supplies running low leads to Lacia going back into water to spear fish.

· TWIST 5: Direction – Lacia accidentally lost the fishing pole / Twist – With 3 mouths to feed, Lacia will have to go into the water for food

· Villain’s Plan – Rian tells Lacia that Emma has been eating more than her share.

· Villain’s Plan – Jealous of Rian’s praise of Lacia’s fishing skills, Emma dives for fish.

· Life Threatening/Villain’s Plan – Rian throws fish guts into the ocean while Emma is spear fishing in order to attract sharks. Lacia saves her at the last minute.

· TWIST 6: Direction – Emma trusts Rian / Twist – Rian puts her in jeopardy by attracting sharks while she is in the water

Midpoint Turning Point – Rian injures Lacia’s arm so that she is no longer able to sail without help.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian deliberately triggers Lacia with a song he sings.

· Villain’s Plan – Knowing Lacia only needs one person to help her, he deceives and gaslight to build distrust between the women. Tells Lacia that Emma broke the radio.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian “accidentally” detaches the sea anchor.

· TWIST 7: Direction – The sea anchor keeps them stable when spear fishing / Twist – Rian releases the anchor putting anyone going into the water in danger

· Villain’s Plan – While adjusting sails, Rian’s unwelcome help “accidentally” injures Lacia so that she can no longer sail solo

· Life Threatening – Lacia is injured.

· TWIST 8: Direction – Emma starts hoarding food / Twist – Emma gets food poisoning from eating spoiled food

Act 3: Unable to sail alone because of her injury, Lacia must rely on the couple and teach them to sail without becoming unnecessary.

New Plan – She teaches them to sail but she must keep navigation secret to ensure they still need her.

· Mystery – Why does Lacia kill the GPS and hide the manual navigation tools?

· Villain’s Plan – Trigger Lacia’s PTSD by getting too close and making physical contact so that Emma sees her as unpredictable and dangerous

· Life Threatening – Water running low.

· Villain’s Plan – Tells Emma that Lacia has been coming on to him during their sailing lessons

· TWIST 9: Direction – They are going to have to save themselves / Twist – The Coast Guard arrives after seeing them on radar to warn them about the coming storm

· TWIST 10: Direction – Coast Guard will save them / Twist – Rian kills the CG and blows up their boat after drugging Lacia and Emma

· TWIST 11: Direction – Rian is doing his best to help them all survive / Twist – He is a devious killer

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – Lacia discovers Rian is a killer.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian finds the hidden nav tools.

· Life Threatening – With beard growth, Lacia recognizes Rian as man in Wanted poster.

· TWIST 12: Direction – Lacia believes Rian is just inept / Twist – Lacia discovers Rian has been lying and is the killer from the wanted poster

· Villain’s Plan – Rian realizes that knows his secret

· Villain’s Plan – Rian checks Lacia’s updates on the nav maps to see their location.

Act 4: Violent storm attacks them and the boat.

New Plan – Lacia must protect herself and Emma from killer Rian.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – During storm, Rian and Lacia have winner-take-all confrontation.

· Villain’s Plan – Having learned to sail and navigate, Rian decides to get rid of the women. He throws Emma overboard.

· Mystery – Will Emma die?

· Life Threatening – Lacia rescues Emma.

· Villain’s Plan – Realizing that Lacia has discovered his crimes, he tries to kill her during the storm

· Life Threatening – Rian and Lacia fight during the storm.

· TWIST 13: Direction – Emma tries but is really helpless in a crisis / Twist – She helps Lacia fight Rian during the storm

Resolution – Coast Guard rescues Lacia and Emma. Emma gets 15 min of fame because of Rian. Lacia returns to solitary life.

· TWIST 14: Direction – The storm shreds the sails and they are dead in the water / Twist – The Coast Guard sends a ship after their missing boat and rescues them

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s Thriller Plot! (in 4 Acts)

What I learned: This module is very useful for laying out the MIS into a story/plot order which helps clarify the story in 1 page and infuse thriller elements throughout. Also learned my third act needs work.

Act 1: Navy SEAL vet has chosen a solitary life at sea to cope with PTSD.

Opening – On land for supplies, Lacia is a duck out of water. Attacked by kids.

· Mystery – Why is Lacia afraid of leaving the boat?

· Mystery – Is Lacia deaf?

· Mystery – Who is man on the Wanted poster?

· Mystery – Store owner seems to be Lacia’s only contact with outside world. Why?

· Life Threatening – Three young men in the village attack Lacia. She fights back.

· Mystery – Where did Lacia learn to fight?

· Mystery – Why did Lacia pretend to be deaf?

Inciting Incident – Lacia swims back to boat in fog and discovers a strange man in cabin.

· Mystery – Why does Lacia live alone on open ocean?

· Mystery – When she loses her fishing pole, why is she afraid to go in the water?

· Life Threatening – While spear fishing in open ocean, Lacia sees fog rolling in. She must get back to her boat before it disappears in the fog.

· Life Threatening – Lacia discovers Rian in the cabin.

· Mystery – Who is the man in her cabin and how did he get there?

· Villain’s Plan – Rian appears nonthreatening and passive.

Turning Point – She is stranded on a dead boat when Emma & Rian steal her sailboat.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian tells Lacia they must rescue the woman he left on their adrift boat.

· Mystery – Can she trust Rian?

· Mystery – Who is on that boat?

· Villain’s Plan: Rian convinces Emma that Lacia is dangerous and they should leave her behind on their dead-in-the-water boat

· Mystery – Why would Emma agree to leave Lacia to certain death on their boat?

· Life Threatening – Lacia is left on their adrift boat and must overcome her fear of ocean to get back to her boat which is drifting away with Emma and Rian on it.

· Life Threatening – Lacia climbs aboard her boat. Rian sneaks up behind and she is rendered unconscious.

Act 2: Lacia is forced to work with the couple if they are to survive.

New plan – To survive, Lacia must go from hostage to savior.

· Mystery – Lacia wakes up to discovered she is tied up. Why did they do this?

· Mystery – Who destroyed the radio and why?

· Life Threatening – (OC) Rian destroyed the radio while Lacia was unconscious.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian tells Lacia that Emma wanted her tied up.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian “accidentally” detaches the sea anchor.

· Life Threatening – Food supplies running low leads to Lacia going back into water to spear fish.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian tells Lacia that Emma has been eating more than her share.

· Villain’s Plan – Jealous of Rian’s praise of Lacia’s fishing skills, Emma dives for fish.

· Life Threatening/Villain’s Plan – Rian throws fish guts into the ocean while Emma is spear fishing in order to attract sharks. Lacia saves her at the last minute.

Midpoint Turning Point – Rian injures Lacia’s arm so that she is no longer able to sail without help.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian deliberately triggers Lacia with a song he sings.

· Villain’s Plan – Knowing Lacia only needs one person to help her, he deceives and gaslight to build distrust between the women. Tells Lacia that Emma broke the radio.

· Villain’s Plan – While adjusting sails, Rian’s unwelcome help “accidentally” injures Lacia so that she can no longer sail solo

· Life Threatening – Lacia is injured.

Act 3: Unable to sail alone because of her injury, Lacia must rely on the couple and teach them to sail without becoming unnecessary.

New Plan – She teaches them to sail but she must keep navigation secret to ensure they still need her.

· Mystery – Why does Lacia kill the GPS and hide the manual navigation tools?

· Villain’s Plan – Trigger Lacia’s PTSD by getting too close and making physical contact so that Emma sees her as unpredictable and dangerous

· Life Threatening – Water running low.

· Villain’s Plan – Tells Emma that Lacia has been coming on to him during their sailing lessons

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – Lacia discovers Rian is a killer.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian finds the hidden nav tools.

· Life Threatening – With beard growth, Lacia recognizes Rian as man in Wanted poster.

· Villain’s Plan – Rian realizes that

· Villain’s Plan – Rian checks Lacia’s updates on the nav maps to see their location.

Act 4: Violent storm attacks them and the boat.

New Plan – Lacia must protect herself and Emma from killer Rian.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – During storm, Rian and Lacia have winner-take-all confrontation.

· Villain’s Plan – Having learned to sail and navigate, Rian decides to get rid of the women. He throws Emma overboard.

· Mystery – Will Emma die?

· Life Threatening – Lacia rescues Emma.

· Villain’s Plan – Realizing that Lacia has discovered his crimes, he tries to kill her during the storm

· Life Threatening – Rian and Lacia fight during the storm.

Resolution – Coast Guard rescues Lacia and Emma. Emma gets 15 min of fame because of Rian. Lacia returns to solitary life.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s Life Threatening Sequence

What I learned: the list of potential danger sources was very useful and letting the possibilities flow yielded some new dangers because there are infinite ways to die at sea.

Villain’s plan & danger to Hero: Rian is a murderer fleeing the police. He needs Lacia to take her boat in the opposite direction of her destination and is willing to kill her to not go back.

Potential dangers for Hero while trying to solve the mystery & confront the Villain:

· Held captive by Rian

· Injured by Rian

· Killed violently by Rian

· Rian kills Emma

· Thrown overboard to die a slow death in open ocean

· Left on deserted island

· Poisoned by Rian

· Starved as supplies run out

· Die of thirst as water supplies run out

· Her PTSD causing her to react in ways that put her and/or them in danger

· Betrayed by Emma after they become friends

· Rian hides her knife

· Trapped on boat together

· Rian looks for navigation tools Lacia has hidden

· Must overcome her fear of ocean to get back to her boat

· Discovers Rian in cabin while in middle of ocean

· Dangerous storm

Sequence of dangers:

· Lacia returns from spear fishing to find Rian in the cabin.

· Lacia is left on their adrift boat and must overcome her fear of ocean to get back to her boat which is drifting away with them on it.

· Fight as she sneaks aboard. Lacia is rendered unconscious.

· Lacia awakes, tied up in the cabin. Her PTSD is in overdrive. Radio is destroyed.

· Rian “accidentally” detaches the sea anchor.

· Water running low.

· With supplies running out, Rian “accidentally” loses the fishing pole while reeling in a whopper. Lacia must leave the boat to spear fish.

· Emma tries spear fishing but Rian throws fish guts into ocean, attracting sharks which almost kill Emma.

· While adjusting sails, Rian’s unwelcome help “accidentally” injures Lacia.

· While teaching him to sail, Rian blames Emma for breaking the radio.

· Lacia sabotages GPS and hides navigation tools as she becomes suspicious of couple.

· While Lacia sleeps, storm comes up and Rian throws Emma overboard. She is attached with a safety line which he uses Lacia’s knife to cut. Lacia arrives just in time to stop him. They fight, knife goes overboard. She catch the rope and pulls Emma aboard. Rian goes below and returns with the spear. He and Lacia battle. Rian is killed or maybe subdued?

· Storm leaves sails in tatters. They are dead in the water.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s Mystery Sequence

What I learned: knowing that Catherine was the killer/puppet master in BI makes it hard to follow the example. So I think I understand what this is about – each mystery unfolds, leading us to the next mystery. I think. However, I am certain that this is making my MSC Phase 3 script 100% stronger.

Villain’s big secret: he is a killer wanted by the police

Cover-ups that become mysteries:

· Why does he want to steal the boat?

· Why does he turn Lacia and Emma against each other?

· Why does he try to kill Lacia and Emma?

Red Herring – Emma is an accomplice with Rian.

Mystery 1 – Why does he want to steal the boat?

· He convinces Emma that Lacia is dangerous and they should leave her behind on their dead-in-the-water boat

· To ensure Lacia doesn’t get rid of them, Rian injures her so that she can no longer sail solo.

Mystery 2 – Why does he turn Lacia and Emma against each other?

· Knowing Lacia only needs one person to help her, he makes sure that the women don’t trust each other through gaslighting and outright deception.

· Tells Emma that Lacia has been coming on to him during their sailing lessons.

Mystery 3 – Why does he try to kill Lacia and Emma?

· He throws fish guts into the ocean when Emma is spear fishing in order to attract sharks.

· During storm, he throws Emma overboard.

· Realizing that Lacia recognizes him from his Wanted poster, he tries to kill her during the storm.

· Lacia rescues Emma and fights back. Possibly killing Rian.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s Villain has a great plan!

What I learned: the villain’s plan is the outline of the thriller and it should keep to action points, not conversation (I caught myself falling into that trap a couple of times)

What is Rian’s end goal? To escape the police

How can Rian accomplish that in a devious way? Use Emma to get off the mainland. Create distrust between Lacia and Emma while presenting as a white knight to each in order to get rid of Emma and, if he doesn’t need her anymore, Lacia.

How can he cover it up?

· Lead Emma to believe their outing was a quick adventure that accidentally went wrong.

· With Emma, steal Lacia’s boat.

· Steal from dwindling supplies and tell Lacia that Emma took them.

· Throw fish guts into water to attract sharks while Emma is in the water.

· Trigger Lacia’s PTSD by getting too close and making physical contact so that Emma sees her as unpredictable and dangerous.

· Play the innocent charmer by singing a song that triggers Lacia.

· Gaslighting both women throughout.

· Injure Lacia so that she cannot manage the sailboat alone and must teach him to sail.

· Destroy radio communication.

· Try to kill Lacia with intention to later kill Emma.

Sequence to make it as intriguing as possible:

· Lead Emma to believe their outing was a quick adventure that accidentally went wrong.

· With Emma, steal Lacia’s boat.

· Gaslighting both women throughout.

· Destroy radio communication.

· Injure Lacia so that she cannot manage the sailboat alone and must teach him to sail.

· Trigger Lacia’s PTSD by getting too close and making physical contact so that Emma sees her as unpredictable and dangerous.

· Steal from dwindling supplies and tell Lacia that Emma took them.

· Throw fish guts into water to attract sharks while Emma is in the water.

· Play the innocent charmer by singing a song that triggers Lacia.

· Try to kill Lacia with intention to later kill Emma.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s SOTL Stacking Suspense

The required elements in the thriller genre are becoming clearer.

Maybe I’m getting hung-up on the names but Intrigue, to me, means something that is intriguing and suggests that there are more puzzle pieces ahead. But in this model, Intrigue is always sinister. Some great Hitchcock thrillers include a scene to catch your breath, usually right before a big shock, where nothing sinister is suggested. But there is intrigue if you think of it as a plot point that suggests more layers are yet to be revealed. Or we can just bundle those scenes with others where the devious thing happens.

Curious if there is an evolving MIS math throughout each act. Not every thriller ends on a mystery like SOTL and BI. Hitchcock’s Rebecca gives us a satisfying ending without loose threads to set up a franchise. The mystery is solved and all questions answered.

Key seems to be creating a roadmap that keeps audiences desperate to know what’s around the corner because they care about what happens to the characters and death is on the line. High stakes for a sympathetic protagonist on an unavoidable path where each step could lead to disaster.

I look forward to us dissecting a thriller written by a woman.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s BI Stacking Suspense

What I learned is that I still don’t like this movie. It is certainly a product of its time.

As a thriller, however, it is a good example of MIS development and, of course, I see the value in its teachable moments. Consistency of MIS elements while building the structure of a thriller creates a blueprint that allows for twists and turns.

Noticed that if you move the story along fast enough (which happens in editing, not writing) and keep hammering a character’s MIS, then folks may miss hanging plot threads and character incongruities.

I did appreciate the completed pdf which helped me understand the MIS elements scene by scene.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s World and Characters!

What I learned: MIS characters layers in a thriller are essential to drive the MIS of the story

Logline: When a Navy SEAL who lives alone on a sailboat is taken hostage by a couple she rescues at sea, she must fight back to survive.

The Big M.I.S.:

· Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story? – What happens when an anthropophobic person is trapped at sea with people willing to kill her?

· Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie? – Rian cannot return to the mainland where he is a fugitive suspected of murdering 3 people.

· Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script? – Although she is trapped on a small sailboat with them, her moral code won’t allow her to kill this enemy outright. Plus she is injured and needs them to sail the boat if she is to ever reach land. Nobody trusts anyone but they need each other to survive.

Intriguing World – sailboat on open ocean

Protagonist – Lacia – Retired Navy Seal, severe PTSD

· Mystery: She copes with her PTSD in controlled environment. But what happens when circumstances are out of her control?

· Suspense: Can she overcome her inner demons to defeat her captors?

· Intrigue: She has been to hell and back to become a force of nature that affects everyone she encounters.

Antagonist – Rian – bartender / musician

· Mystery: He seems like a happy-go-lucky beach dude. But just how dangerous is his dark side?

· Suspense: Is he really harmless or a master manipulator and psychopath?

· Intrigue: His ability to read people and get what he wants.

Red Herring – Emma – accountant

· Mystery: Is she as dangerous as Rian?

· Suspense: She seems like the alpha with Rian but is she really in control? And how far is she willing to go?

· Intrigue: She always wanted more than life gave her. This is her first step outside her safe zone and the power is intoxicating.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s Big M.I.S.

What I learned: To redefine my story elements through the thriller lens. Also learned my story is currently thin on life and death situations.

Logline: When a Navy SEAL who lives alone on a sailboat is taken hostage by a couple she rescues at sea, she must fight back to survive.

1. Conventions:

· Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Lacia, a Navy Seal coping with severe PTSD by living alone on a sailboat rescues a couple adrift in the Pacific only to be terrorized as their hostage.

· Dangerous Villain: Rian, a seemingly happy-go-lucky bartender and musician with a secret history of committing multiple murders, will ruthlessly destroy anyone who gets in the way of his escape.

· High stakes: Even if Lacia can free herself, she is trapped at sea with her tormentors, Rian and Emma.

· Life and death situations: Lacia battles teenage hoodlums at the harbor. Lightening storm at sea. Couple steal her sailboat and leave her adrift. Couple take her prisoner. No supplies. Sharks. Rian betrays Emma. Rian and Lacia fight during a violent storm.

· This story is thrilling because? Every woman has felt vulnerable and Lacia has done everything to protect herself but still she becomes a victim of violence.

2. The Big M.I.S.:

· Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story? – What happens when an anthropophobic person is trapped at sea with people willing to kill her?

· Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie? – Rian cannot return to the mainland where he is a fugitive suspected of murdering 3 people.

· Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script? – Although she is trapped on a small sailboat with them, her moral code won’t allow her to kill this enemy outright. Plus she is injured and needs them to sail the boat if she is to ever reach land. Nobody trusts anyone but they need each other to survive.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Hey, I’m Kimberly Jurgen.

I’ve written 2 features, several shorts, a few plays and 2 seasons of award-winning comedy web series.

Goal is to understand the thriller structure and amp up those elements in my current feature.

I had a guest star on a ep of Bones where I was covered in beetles.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly Jurgen

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Aliens – Thriller Conventions

What I learned: There is a formula. Even though I picked a movie with a high body count, it isn’t essential to the thriller genre. In fact, the first death we see is at the halfway point. Before that it is a psychological thriller building anticipation as we gather clues about the mystery of what happened to the colonists.

Unwitting but resourceful Hero: Ripley, who is the sole survivor of an Alien encounter, is considered hysterical until others are forced to face the truth of the danger. Hicks gives her a crash course in weapons but she is pushed to the extreme as she faces alien and human enemies.

Dangerous Villain: The aliens and especially the queen are ruthless and cunning with acid for blood and a dagger tail. Burke and Weyland-Yutani Corp are determined to get an alien back to earth and will kill Ripley, Newt and the entire military team to do it.

High stakes: Almost 200 creatures determined to implant the new arrivals. A child survivor must be protected. Everyone’s life is in danger.

Life and death situations: Ammunition might ignite the thermo-nuclear reactor so the soldiers cannot use their weapons. Cocooned colonist is found but dies when alien baby emerges. Aliens come out of the walls to attack the retreating soldiers. Creatures attack the transport. Ripley, driving the transport, is attacked through the window. The shuttle is taken out when a creature kills the pilot. The disabled shuttle is on a collision course for the rescue team. Bishop must go outside to signal the ship to send a second shuttle. They fortify their hold. Burke releases two egg creatures to implant sleeping Ripley and Newt then turns off the surveillance cameras. The creatures overtake their hold and they must fight their way out. Burke, on his own, comes face-to-face with creature. Soldiers valiantly fight, kill, die. Newt is taken. Ripley goes after Newt but the tracker fell off her wrist. Ripley rescues Newt and faces down the Queen. The Queen pursues Ripley and Newt. The Queen stowed away on the shuttle and makes it to the ship. Queen halves Bishop and pursues Newt. Ripley faces off with Queen.

This movie is thrilling because?: We remember what one creature did to Ripley’s crew and now there are so many that the numbers are overwhelming.

Big Mystery: What happened to the colonists? Will the same thing happen to the rescue team?

Big Intrigue: Burke, ever the company man, is determined to get the creature to Earth. Bishop is fascinated by the creatures and may turn on them as Ripley’s previous android did.

Big Suspense: Will anyone make it off the planet alive?

Anything else: This script deftly blends humor and thrills creating a brilliant ride. The aliens don’t even come on screen until halfway through the movie.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Kimberly’s Feedback for Michael on ZiP!

1. Identify Victoria as ‘Rookie reporter…’ and Red Herring as “Victoria’s ex-husband Sheriff Mike…” It’s a subtle difference, but it will matter to any woman who reads your pitch / script.

2. Logline – ‘must manipulate’ doesn’t suggest thriller. Perhaps: outwit, overcome. How about something like… A rookie reporter, hot on the trail of a kidnapping ring, must outwit local gangsters, her alcoholic ex Sheriff Mike and her narcissist billionaire boyfriend to bring her missing daughter safely home.

3. Scene 2 Crime Scene – what is Bob doing there? You mention her affection but not how it ties into the scene.

4. Scene 4 Mike’s Ofc – Does this scene serve any purpose other than finger pistol shootout?

5. Scene 5 Victoria’s House – If it’s her family home, why is ex Mike’s stuff still there and why does her family home have a vault in the basement. Were they jewelers or doomsday nuts? And why would he care about the mortgage if they are divorced. Also, ‘trust me’ seems like deception, not gaslighting.

6. Scene 6 Mike’s Ofc– Gaslighting would be telling her that, all evidence to the contrary, Mike didn’t take her daughter and she is overreacting.

7. Block 9 turning point – How did Bob get connected to the kidnappers and what is the evidence?

8. Scene 13 Parking Lot – who all is there? If deputy used the zip tie, why would others seem guilty?

9. Scene 14 Dave’s Apt (I think you are calling the same character both Dan and Dave) – Is Bob also in the apartment or is this a different scene where he talks with Victoria?

10. Scene 16 Mike’s Car – have we met the Chief of Police before learning he is killed? I think some story points may be missing. Was he killed by ziptie killer?

11. Scene 18 Mike’s Apt – I think more parts of the story are missing. How did they end up in bed together? You need a new slug line for Joe helping Mike escape to Mexico – unless that happens in his apt after Victoria leaves, in which case, what is Joe doing there?

12. Scene 19 – So Dan wasn’t dead before? Did Mike have two drivers, Dan and Dave?

13. Climax Block – Is Bob killed in the alley? How did Victoria find & rescue Lucy?

I think you understand the story well. But it isn’t clearly expressed here as there are gaps and story leaps. My guess is that we take this thriller map and plug it into screenwriting software to then easily write each scene since they are well defined and identified by slug lines. If you add more detail to the scene description and ensure each new location has its own slug line, then you’ll have a great outline to evolve into your screenplay without missing any beats.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Michael – if you are not yet trading feedback on this version, would you like to review our maps? Mine also has a female protagonist.

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Melanie – would you like to trade feedback? My map for BLUEJACKET is just above yours in the thread.

~ Kimberly J

[Kimberly Jurgen]

Thanks, Michael! I appreciate that so much. And agreed – front loading the mystery & intrigue seems like it draws in the audience and sucks them in to the suspense.

Honestly, I don’t think any of the items labelled as Mystery here were in my homework for that assignment. Not sure I understood it then but things are starting to make sense. And I think Twists & Turns will add even more thrills. <fingers crossed>

[Kimberly Jurgen]

My character served with distinction as a Seal and retired honorably after several tours of duty.