Kristina Zill
Forum Replies Created
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KZs Three Gradients
What I learned doing this assignment is: It takes some time, but listing out all of the steps of the Gradient of Change helps build a strong outline and will make the writing so much easier.
1. The Emotional Gradient is: Forced Change
RY HARPER
A. Emotion: DENIAL
Ry refuses to believe he is hypnotized, dismissing the possibility that he has hidden empathic tendencies.
B. Action: He obsessively doubles down on enforcing rules, trying to maintain control.
C. Challenge: Confronting a situation where his logical approach backfires, leaving him humiliated and exposed
D. Weakness: His fear of emotional vulnerability and his need for control make it hard to acknowledge his deeper feelings.A. Emotion: ANGER. Frustrated by his inability to break free from hypnosis, he lashes out at Elena for not staying professional.
B. Action: He isolates himself, attempting to solve the crisis alone to avoid dependence on others.
C. Challenge: Realizing that his isolation makes him ineffective, especially as the town’s chaos grows.
D. Weakness: His mistrust of others prevents him from accepting help.A. Emotion: BARGAINING. Ry tries to reason his way out of hypnosis, promising himself he’ll fix everything if he just sticks to his rules.
B. Action: He obsessively organizes a plan to defeat Deke, avoiding personal reflection.
C. Challenge: His rigid plan falls apart, forcing him to improvise.
D. Weakness: His reliance on structure blinds him to the necessity of adapting emotionally.A. Emotion: DEPRESSION. Ry feels powerless after witnessing the chaos his control failed to prevent.
B. Action: He opens up to Elena about his failed marriage and fears of inadequacy, starting to connect emotionally.
C. Challenge: His vulnerability leaves him feeling exposed and weak.
D. Weakness: He is at the mercy of his empathy, seeing the POV of all the crooks.A. Emotion: ACCEPTANCE Ry acknowledges his shadow self—his fear of chaos and failure—and embraces empathy and trust.
B. Action: He works with Elena to defeat Deke, using intuition and teamwork rather than rigid logic.
C. Challenge: Confronting a situation where his logical approach backfires, leaving him humiliated and exposed
D. Weakness: Fully letting go of his control-oriented mindset and trusting others.ELENA CRUZ
A. Emotion: DENIAL. Elena dismisses her hypnotic behavior as unimportant, refusing to acknowledge how it reveals her repressed desires.
B. Action: She focuses on her investigation into Ry, deflecting attention from herself.
C: Challenge: She loses control during a hypnotic episode, creating embarrassment and self-doubt.
D: Weakness: Her cynicism prevents her from confronting her emotions.A. Emotion: ANGER She becomes furious at Deke for exploiting her vulnerabilities and at Ry for “messing up” her case.
B. Action: She confronts Deke aggressively, demanding answers but refusing to examine her own behavior.
C: Challenge: Deke manipulates her into questioning her own motivations, deepening her frustration.
D: Weakness: Her mistrust of others keeps her defensive.A. Emotion: BARGAINING Elena tries to negotiate her way out of hypnosis, offering to abandon the investigation if she can regain control.
B. Action: She attempts to suppress her emotions, trying to force herself back into her professional persona.
C: Challenge: Suppression leads to an explosive emotional outburst, further jeopardizing her mission.
D: Weakness: Her fear of appearing weak makes it hard for her to reconcile her passionate side.A. Emotion: DEPRESSION She feels overwhelmed by the chaos, believing she’s lost her professional edge and personal integrity.
B. Action: She confides in Ry, revealing her past betrayal and the pain of her unresolved family issues.
C: Challenge: Opening up feels like a betrayal of her hardened, independent identity.
D: Weakness: Her loneliness makes her fear that vulnerability will lead to rejection.A. Emotion: ACCEPTANCE Elena embraces her passionate side, using it as a strength rather than a weakness.
B. Action: She acts on instinct and emotion during the final confrontation, saving Ry and exposing Deke’s plan.
C: Challenge: Trusting herself and Ry fully, despite her fear of failure or rejection.
D: Weakness: Letting go of control and allowing herself to trust her intuition. -
KZs Lead Characters
What I learned doing this assignment:
I learned to clarify characters as Transformable, Change Agent, Betrayer. I especially found it interesting to think of the Betrayal character as someone who is afraid to move forward and embrace the future.1. Transformational Journey Logline:
Two police officers who acted on their latent attraction under hypnosis must break the spell to defeat the ex-con turned hypnotist who is turning the police department into a criminal enterprise.2. Change Agent:
Hypnotist Deacon “Deke” Dupont, a dirty copy who went to jail
Like many perps, he feels that he is the victim. In jail, he mastered hypnosis and now he’s out for revenge — to prove that the other cops are no better than he is, they just didn’t get caught.3. Transformable Characters
Officer Ryan “Ry” Harper
Control Freak, By-the-book, Bitter misanthrope since his wife left him for another man.
Under hypnosis, his empathic side is activated.
Motivation: to restore order and prove that reason can overcome chaosOfficer Elena Cruz
Internal Affairs Officer, investigating a complaint against Ry.
She’s resourceful, cynical, lonely, with a dry sense of humor.
Wound: She lost her inheritance to crooks who fleeced her grandfather.
Motivation: To root out corruption wherever she finds it.4. The Oppression
Lawlessness?5. the Betraying Character
Marci Holloway
A Church Lady who comes to pray with the prisoners
She cannot accept that she has a shadow side and wants to return to the certainty she felt before -
KZs Transformational Journey
What I learned:
Figuring out the Transformational Logline and the old and new ways helps bring the story into focus.
Once again, I did this process for 10 different scripts and got ideas for how to improve them.Transformational Logline:
1. A cynical, small town police officer who bends the rules
2. Must break a spell of mass hypnosis and reinstate the rule of law
3. In order to save the police force and town from chaos
Old Ways:
Cynical
Misanthropic
The rules don’t apply to me
Nihilistic
Love is for suckers (his wife cheated on him)
Laws are meant to be broken
Relationships are just about sexNew Ways:
Forgiving of others’ frailties while respecting the rule of law
Vulnerable, can fall in love for real
Strong, but compassionate -
KZs First Three Decisions
What I learned from doing this assignment: I found this to be so clarifying an exercise that I did not stop at the story I am using for this class. I put 10 stories through it and got insight into each one. I will be asking those 3 questions of all my projects from now on. I also thought it was interesting that all of my stories use the e-vehicle Pick-A-World.
1. What is your profound truth?
There can be no freedom without the constraint of (just) laws.2. What is the change your movie will cause with an audience?
Respect for the Rule of Law3. What is the Entertainment Vehicle that you will tell this story through?
Pick-a-World with a smidgen of Metaphor -
• Kristina Zill
• I have written about a dozen scripts.
• There is a script I wrote for the Writing Incredible Movies class that I would like to submit March 1st to the Nicholl Fellowship competition—but it is lacking a certain je ne sais quoi, so I plan to revise it using the Profound model.
• I live in the Catskill Mountains. I once chased away a large black bear using a technique I picked up from watching Grizzly Man. Fortunately—unlike the subject of the documentary—the bear did not eat me. -
Kristina Zill
I agree to the terms of this release form.GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class. -
KZ Completed Problem/Solution Grid #1
What I learned doing this assignment is that rather than try to gloss over problems, I should look hard to try to find them, since every problem found means a better, more salable pilot.
The problems I found were:
9. Weak Turning Points at the end of each act
At the end of Act 1, rather than having the mother simply die, I had her convey a secret to her daughter beforehand. I think I may have a way to make that even stronger and less cliché.
11. Weak Transformational Journey
I need to increase the tension between the sisters. Avery especially needs to be an exaggerated version of what she is now so that she has room to grow. I have made her too strong. She needs to be cowed by her sister. Also, she probably needs to be a closet hoarder, whose tendencies were masked by the mother’s issues.
8. Need a stronger cliffhanger at the end of the pilot.
Haven’t figured this one out yet. I’m almost there, but not quite.
2. Weak conflict
I need to increase the stakes in the sisters’ battle, so that they are forced to work together against their opponents.
It helped me to write down the problems I have identified, even though I haven’t figured out the solution to all of them yet. Sort of like stating a goal to the world to be sure I stay focused.
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KZ has finished Acts 4 and 5
What I learned is that having a solid outline makes all the difference.
- Rule 1: Use empowering self talk. Cheer yourself on. B. Some use.
- Rule 2: Understand writing in drafts. A. Consistently use.
- Rule 3: Choose speed over quality for EARLY drafts. A. Consistently use.
- Rule 4: Allow yourself to start (or continue) without all the answers. A. Consistently use.
- Rule 5: Keep moving. Don’t allow yourself to ever stall out. A. Consistently use.
- Rule 6: Even if you can’t create it now, you will be able to at some point in the future! A. Consistently use.
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KZ finished Act 3
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep going, even if it really is only 30% quality.
My outline was weaker for this act, so it was harder to write.
- Rule 1: Use empowering self talk. Cheer yourself on. B. Some use.
- Rule 2: Understand writing in drafts. A. Consistently use.
- Rule 3: Choose speed over quality for EARLY drafts. B. Some use.
- Rule 4: Allow yourself to start (or continue) without all the answers. A. Consistently use.
- Rule 5: Keep moving. Don’t allow yourself to ever stall out. B. Some use.
- Rule 6: Even if you can’t create it now, you will be able to at some point in the future! A. Consistently use.
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KZ Finished Act 2
What I learned doing the assignment is to keep going and to avoid worrying about whether it’s funny.
Rate use of the High Speed Writing Rules:
- Rule 1: Use empowering self talk. Cheer yourself on. B. Some use.
- Rule 2: Understand writing in drafts. A. Consistently use.
- Rule 3: Choose speed over quality for EARLY drafts. B. Some use.
- Rule 4: Allow yourself to start (or continue) without all the answers. A. Consistently use.
- Rule 5: Keep moving. Don’t allow yourself to ever stall out. B. Some use.
- Rule 6: Even if you can’t create it now, you will be able to at some point in the future! A. Consistently use.
I found that when I hit a scene that I had not imagined as thoroughly in the outline, I stalled out a bit. But then I remembered that it’s just supposed to be 30% quality, and that was liberating.
My first draft is coming out pretty well, and I’m wondering if that will be a hindrance. Maybe it’s better to write a rougher rough draft so that it’s easier to change. I’ll find out as I write future drafts.
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Kristina finished Act 1, first draft
What I learned doing this assignment is that a good outline makes writing easy.
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KZ’s Big Picture Components
What I learned doing this assignment is… all the work on the BW Framework and Pitch Bible paid off.
Title: PACKRATS
Format: One-hour comedy
Concept: Two feuding sisters compete with an archaeologist and a phony decluttering expert to find the treasure rumored to be hidden at the heart of their deceased hoarder mother’s mansion.
SERIES INFO:
- World(s): Compulsive hoarding, Treasure hunting, Social media influencing
- Main mystery: What is the Treasure at the heart of the hoard?
- Impossible Goal: Find the Treasure before anyone else
- Main Conflict: Avery and Regan fight each other (and others) over their dead mother’s house and hoard
- Second Mystery: Who is the corpse found in the hoard, and did the mother kill him on purpose?
- Season 1 Arc: From every man for himself to uneasy alliances
- Season 1 Protagonist Internal Journey: The sisters go from doling out advice to others to realizing they have their own self-help to administer.
PILOT INFO:
- Pilot Conflict: Avery, Regan, Augustus, Roget and Eunice fight each other for the Treasure
- Characters Introduced: Avery Frazer, Regan Frazer, Augustus Argyll, Roget du Pape and Eunice Dubes
- Inciting Incident of Season 1: Gladys Frazer dies without a will, setting off a hunt for the treasure rumored to be hidden at the heart of the hoard.
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KZ’s Episode Descriptions
What I learned doing this assignment: Well, I’m still writing it analog. I did get a good episode title out of AI, but other than that, I wasn’t happy with the choices AI made about what was important, or how to whittle down the sentences. Its greatest contribution is as a “writing buddy” – I find that I’m able to move forward with the project. Is that because of my writing buddy, or just knowing that we’re meeting in person every week? Probably the latter.
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Since it’s worthless to me to have AI go off in random wrong directions, I wrote a summary of the first episode and altered the prompt:
I’m going to give you the summary of the [first episode] of a TV series. Please brainstorm the rest of the first season in [number of episodes] in [format/genre] with this [series concept], this [season beginning] and [season ending] and these [main characters]. Each [episode] will include a teaser/opening hook, main character journey, major challenge/conflict, midpoint, action/reaction, and ends with a cliffhanger. The story will flow throughout the episodes, culminating in a powerful finale.
(etc)
For the main characters, since there was lots of info about them in the [first episode], I just listed their names and purpose.
Providing the first episode summary and the season ending meant that AI was more on track with where I want to go.
Next I’m going to figure out how to include certain events that I want to happen in the various episodes, and that should guide AI even better.
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Test 1, Test 2
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KZ is ready for feedback!
What I learned doing this assignment is that filling in the blanks has a domino effect. One idea leads to another leads to another. I still have further to go, so this Framework is definitely a work in progress. I had previously taken analog BWTV, and this Framework is much more detailed, thanks to AI refining the list. So it really does help to have a Writing Buddy.
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Assignment #1: MR. ROBOT’s mysteries
Big Picture Mysteries
- Now that we know that Mr. Robot is Elliot’s dead father and that Elliot has taken on his persona, how did that impact his life and his decisions? Is it a good thing that Mr. Robot says they will always be together?
- Did Elliot / Mr. Robot shoot Tyrell?
- Who is Whiterose, and what is her interest in the downfall of Evil Corp?
- Did Elliot’s mental illness begin with being pushed out of a window by his father?
- Is Elliot’s mental illness solvable through therapy or is he a hopeless case?
- Was it Elliot’s idea to destroy Evil Corp, or Mr. Robot’s?
- Did fsociety really exist, or did Elliot just imagine it?
- What was the ultimate result of Angela inserting the infected disc into Allsafe’s drive?
Small mysteries
- Aside from displacing the Technology CEO, what was it Joanna hoped to accomplish by having Tyrell seduce Sharon?
- How are things complicated by Tyrell killing Sharon instead of seducing her?
- Did Elliot protect himself against Fernando Vera by taking virtual control of his online entities?
- Was Vera’s murder of Shayla an indication that the protection no longer exists?
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Assignment #1 : MR. ROBOT Empathy / Distress
A. Undeserved misfortune: Elliot has emotional issues caused by an abusive childhood and the early death of his father.
B. External character conflicts:
• Intentional: Elliot pursues evil-doers and brings them to justice with his computer hacking skills
• Unintentional: Elliot lack of social skills causes misunderstandings
C. Plot intruding on life: Elliot is tapped by Mr. Robot to help take down Evil Corp
Fernando Vera figures out Elliot is the reason he’s in jail, and has Shayla kidnapped to force Elliot to use his hacking skills to set him free.
Elliot tries to deal with Vera, but Vera kills Shayla anyway.
D. Moral dilemmas: Elliot has to choose between being caught or allowing his former boss, Gideon to take the blame.
Elliot has to choose between listening to Shayla, or tipping off the cops and causing Fernando Vera’s arrest to stop him from abusing her.
As a child, Elliot had to choose between loyalty to his father, or telling his mother that his father was dying of leukemia.
At Steel Mountain, Elliot has to choose between aborting the plan or psychologically abusing a person to get inside the facility.E. Forced decisions they’d never make:
Elliot has to hack the prison system and unlock the jail cells to release not only Fernando Vera, but all the prisoners — it’s the only way he can bargain for the lives of Shayla, Darlene and himself.
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KZ’s Show • Empathy / Distress
What I learned doing this assignment… well, I’m figuring out that it’s really important to keep ideas organized when working with an AI assistant. The first prompt gave me generic answers, but when I regenerated, the answers were more specific, and some might even be usable.
AVERY:
Distress:- Undeserved misfortune: Avery discovers her mother’s will, only to find it destroyed by rats nesting in the hoard, leaving her inheritance in jeopardy.
- External Character conflicts: Avery faces public humiliation when a neighbor reports the hoarding situation, leading to legal consequences.
- Plot intruding on life: Avery’s workplace finds out about her mother’s hoarding, jeopardizing her job and social standing.
- Moral dilemmas: Avery must decide whether to prioritize her sister’s wishes or her mother’s memory, testing her sense of loyalty and love.
- Forced decisions they’d never make: Avery is forced to confront her emotional baggage when Regan threatens to reveal a long-buried family secret unless Avery agrees to sell the house.
Empathy:
- Put them in distress: Avery struggles with guilt and self-doubt, feeling responsible for her mother’s hoarding and torn between her sister’s demands and her own desires.
- Make them relatable: Avery’s fear of change and attachment to the past resonate with viewers who have grappled with letting go of sentimental possessions.
- Universal experiences that are emotional: Avery’s longing for parental approval and her complex relationship with her family are universally relatable, eliciting empathy from the audience.
REGAN:
Distress:
- Undeserved misfortune: Regan faces financial strain due to legal fees from the hoarding situation, putting her own stability at risk.
- External Character conflicts: Regan’s attempts to clear the house lead to strained relationships with her mother’s neighbors, making her feel isolated and disliked.
- Plot intruding on life: Regan’s past secrets resurface as Avery’s search through the hoard unveils old letters and photographs, jeopardizing Regan’s carefully built facade.
- Moral dilemmas: Regan grapples with guilt over leaving Avery behind and struggles to balance her ambition with her responsibilities toward her family.
- Forced decisions they’d never make: Regan is forced to confront her own hoarding tendencies, realizing she might be more like her mother than she’d ever admit, leading her to question her identity and choices.
Empathy:
- Put them in distress: Regan’s fear of failure and the pressure to maintain control make her relatable to viewers dealing with similar challenges in their lives.
- Make them relatable: Regan’s desire for independence and success, coupled with her deep-seated guilt, humanizes her and makes her struggles understandable to the audience.
- Universal experiences that are emotional: Regan’s conflict between familial duty and personal aspirations resonates with viewers who have faced similar dilemmas, eliciting empathy for her complex situation.
ROGER, the Declutter King:
Distress:
- Undeserved misfortune: Roger faces professional humiliation when his attempt to clear the hoard triggers a public relations disaster, endangering his career and livelihood.
- External Character conflicts: Roger clashes with Avery, questioning his expertise and making him doubt his ability to help others, leading to a crisis of confidence.
- Plot intruding on life: Roger’s past trauma related to hoarding resurfaces, causing emotional turmoil and affecting his ability to maintain a professional distance from the situation.
- Moral dilemmas: Roger grapples with ethical choices, torn between helping Avery and following Regan’s orders, forcing him to question his own values and priorities.
- Forced decisions they’d never make: Roger is forced to confront his own hoarding demons from childhood, pushing him to face unresolved issues and traumas that he thought he had overcome.
Empathy:
- Put them in distress: Roger’s vulnerability and self-doubt make him a sympathetic character, especially as he navigates a challenging situation that hits close to home.
- Make them relatable: Roger’s struggle with past trauma and the pressure to maintain his professional reputation humanize him, allowing viewers to empathize with his internal battles.
- Universal experiences that are emotional: Roger’s journey toward self-discovery and healing resonates with individuals who have faced similar struggles, creating a connection between his character and the audience.
AUGUSTUS, the Archaeologist:
Distress:
- Undeserved misfortune: Augustus faces the threat of exposure when his ulterior motives are on the verge of being discovered, jeopardizing his academic career and reputation.
- External Character conflicts: Augustus contends with ethical dilemmas as he manipulates Avery, causing internal conflict and guilt over his deceitful actions.
- Plot intruding on life: Augustus’s obsession with cataloging the hoard becomes an unhealthy fixation, consuming his thoughts and impacting his personal relationships.
- Moral dilemmas: Augustus grapples with his intentions, torn between advancing his career and exploiting Avery’s vulnerability, forcing him to question his integrity and values.
- Forced decisions they’d never make: Augustus is forced to confront his own greed and ambition when his actions directly harm Avery, leading to a crisis of conscience and self-reflection.
Empathy:
- Put them in distress: Augustus’s internal turmoil and guilt evoke empathy from viewers, especially as they witness the consequences of his manipulative actions.
- Make them relatable: Augustus’s ambition and desire for recognition are relatable to those who have experienced the pressure to succeed, making him a complex and human character despite his flaws.
- Universal experiences that are emotional: Augustus’s moral struggle resonates with individuals who have faced similar ethical dilemmas, creating a connection between his character and the audience’s own experiences.
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KZ’s Example Show Relationship Map: MR. ROBOT
What I learned from doing this assignment: to not only pay attention to character traits, but also how characters interact with each other.
Protagonist: ELLIOT / Antagonist: MR. ROBOT
- Surface: Fellow malcontents
- Common Ground: They use coding skills to cure injustice and f— society.
- Conflict: Elliot works from the inside. Mr. Robot wants to blow things up, no matter who he hurts or kills.
- History: Mr. Robot caused Elliot to be hospitalized when he punished him for not being loyal
- Subtext: Mr. Robot needs Elliot’s insider status; Elliot needs Mr. Robot’s vision and leadership
- Relationship arc: (Don’t know yet)
Protagonist: ELLIOT / Love interest?: ANGELA
- Surface: Co-workers, friends
- Common Ground: They each lost a parent to Evil Corp’s machinations.
- Conflict: She depends on her job at Allsafe; Elliot is working to destroy their major client, which will destroy Allsafe.
- History: They clung to each other in childhood; each other’s true friend
- Subtext: Elliot has unrequited love for her.
- Relationship arc: (Don’t know yet)
Protagonist: ELLIOT / 2nd Antagonist: TYRELL
- Surface: Employee / Client
- Common Ground: Fellow coding wizards
- Conflict: Tyrell wants Elliot to work for E-Corp, not knowing he’s actively trying to destroy it.
- History: Elliot caused the imprisonment of E-Corp’s CEO; Tyrell tells him he knows and doesn’t care.
- Subtext: They’re each trying to find out each other’s secrets
- Relationship arc: (Don’t know yet)
Protagonist: ELLIOT / Ally: DARLENE
- Surface: Fellow coders
- Common Ground: They each are dealing with Mr. Robot’s abusive management style
- Conflict: Darlene is a bomb thrower; Elliot is more patient
- History: Darlene violates Elliot’s privacy in real life, breaking into his apartment
- Subtext: Darlene has established that Elliot has no secrets she can’t pry loose, no boundaries she won’t break down.
- Relationship arc: (Don’t know yet)
Protagonist: ELLIOT / Ally: KRISTA
- Surface: Patient Therapist
- Common Ground: They’re looking out for each other
- Conflict: Elliot won’t divulge his interior thoughts.
- History:
After a year of not speaking during his sessions, Krista boots him as a
client. Only then does Elliot reveal that he has hacked her accounts
and knows all her secrets. - Subtext: You want to know all about me, but I know all about you.
- Relationship arc: (Don’t know yet)
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KZ’s SHOW – Relationship Map • Assignment #2
What I learned… mapping out the relationships gave me some ideas about how to build the plot and showed me where the story is thin and needs improvement.
Concept: Two estranged sisters fight over their deceased hoarder mother’s house.
AVERY (protagonist) / REGAN (antagonist)
- Surface: Sisters
- Common ground: They grew up in the same house, experienced the same events.
- Conflict: Avery wants to preserve her mother’s junk to honor her memory; Regan wants to throw everything in the dumpster and put the house on the market. Also– they have completely different interpretations of childhood events. And — Regan is trying to get Avery declared mentally ill and unfit to administer the estate.
- History: Avery was like her mother, also a bit of a hoarder. Yet the mother placed all her hopes on Regan, who managed to let go of the past and start a new life.
- Subtext: The sisters compete for their mother’s love, even after her death.
- Relationship arc: (don’t know yet)
AVERY / AUGUSTUS (the Archaeologist)
- Surface: Client / Consultant
- Common ground: They both value the mother’s hoard.
- Conflict: Avery wants a romantic relationship; Augustus placates her to have access to the hoard.
- History: On their first date, Augustus was wounded by the mother’s junk when he opened a closet door. He agreed not to sue if Avery would let him catalogue the stuff. Then Regan showed up, throwing a wrench into the works.
- Relationship arc: (don’t know yet)
AVERY / THE DECLUTTER KING
- Surface: Patient / Doctor
- Common ground: They’re both obsessed with stuff.
- Conflict: She wants to keep everything / he wants to throw everything out.
- History: Avery has fought off previous declutter experts.
- Subtext: His reputation is at stake. He must win out.
- Relationship arc: (don’t know yet)
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KZ’s Character Emotions
Assignment #1 – Mr. Robot
ELLIOT PROFILE
- Hope: To make a difference in the world by bringing down Evil Corp. Fear: That he will have no impact and evil will prevail.
- Motivation. Want: To avenge his father’s death. Need: To get over the guilt of having told his father’s secret.
- Mask. Base Negative Emotion: Helplessness. Public Mask: Clever vigilante hacker.
- Weaknesses: May be hallucinating, imagining things. Loneliness, alienation.
- Triggers: Human corruption
- Coping Mechanism: Lies constantly to hide his insights, fears, feelings.
MR. ROBOT PROFILE
- Hope: To enlist Elliot to his cause. Fear: That evil will prevail.
- Motivation: Want: To destroy Evil Corp. Need: To impose his ego on the world.
- Mask. Base Negative Emotion: Insecurity. Public Mask: Self assured vigilante.
- Weaknesses: He needs others to reach his goals.
- Triggers: Disloyalty
- Coping Mechanism: Abuse, violence, manipulation, threaten and humiliate
TYRELL PROFILE
- Hope: To rule the world. Fear: To be cast out, to be a loser
- Motivation. Want: Power and money. Need: To control others
- Mask. Base Negative Emotion: Worthlessness Public Mask: Smartest guy in the room
- Weaknesses: Makes stupid mistakes
- Triggers: Humiliation, people getting the better of him
- Coping mechanism: violence against others: sex, murder
DARLENE PROFILE
- Hope: To f— society. Fear: To have no impact.
- Motivation: Want: Revenge against Evil Corp. Need: to help Elliot
- Mask. Base Negative Emotion: ineffective. Public Mask: Tough girl
- Triggers: Inaction, inertia
- Coping mechanism: Action without forethought
ANGELA PROFILE
- Hope: To achieve happiness Need:
- Motivation: Want: to destroy Evil Corp. Need: to help Elliot
- Mask. Base Negative Emotion: Neediness. Public Mask: Avenging Angel
- Weaknesses: Bad taste in men.
- Triggers: People lying to her
- Coping mechanism: Physical action – asking for a raise, hiring lawyers, quitting her job, confronting Elliot
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KZ’s Character Emotions
Assignment #2 – My Project
What I learned doing this assignment is… to become a little bit more proficient in refining questions so that AI can give information that’s usable. I’ve noticed that AI tends to have trouble with comedy. If comedy is hard for humans, it must be doubly hard for AI.
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1. Avery:
A. Situational: Hope – Avery hopes to find the hidden will in her mother’s hoarded possessions, but she also fears that she might never find it, and that her mother loved Regan more.
B. Motivation: Want – She wants to preserve her mother’s memory through the hoarded items, but she needs to accept her loneliness and move on from her obsession.
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion – Her base negative emotion is loneliness, and her public mask is her obsession with hoarding, which masks her need for emotional connection.
D. Weaknesses – Avery’s weakness is her emotional attachment to objects, making it difficult for her to let go and move forward.
E. Triggers – Avery is triggered by any mention of her mother’s love for her and Regan, as well as the fear of losing the house.
F. Coping Mechanism – She copes with her loneliness and fear of not being loved by surrounding herself with the hoarded possessions, hoping they hold the key to her mother’s love.
2. Regan:
A. Situational: Hope – Regan hopes to profit from selling the house, but she also fears that her financial situation may not improve as much as she expects.
B. Motivation: Want – She wants to secure her financial future by selling the house, but she needs to reconcile with her guilt for leaving her family.
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion – Her base negative emotion is guilt, and her public mask is a tough, no-nonsense real estate speculator.
D. Weaknesses – Regan’s weakness is her fear of vulnerability, which makes it hard for her to reconnect with her sister.
E. Triggers – Regan is triggered by the emotional turmoil within her family and the fear of losing her sister.
F. Coping Mechanism – She copes with her guilt and vulnerability by adopting a facade of being a strong and successful businesswoman.
3. Rodney (The Declutter King):
A. Situational: Hope – Rodney hopes to help Avery and Regan resolve their family issues, but he fears that his own history with hoarding might undermine his efforts.
B. Motivation: Want – He wants to make amends for his past mistakes and help the sisters, but he needs to confront his own emotional baggage.
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion – His base negative emotion is regret, and his public mask is the confident and experienced decluttering expert.
D. Weaknesses – Rodney’s weakness is his unresolved guilt and emotional connection to hoarding, which may cloud his judgment.
E. Triggers – Rodney is triggered by confronting the hoarded items and the emotional intensity of the sisters’ conflict.
F. Coping Mechanism – He copes with his guilt by appearing confident and in control, but it often masks his own inner turmoil.
4. Augustus (The Archaeologist):
A. Situational: Hope – Augustus hopes to make groundbreaking discoveries from the hoarded possessions, but he fears that his academic aspirations may overshadow the family drama.
B. Motivation: Want – He wants to excel in his field by studying the hoarded items, but he needs to balance his intellectual pursuits with empathy for the family.
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion – His base negative emotion is professional ambition, and his public mask is the quirky and enthusiastic archaeologist.
D. Weaknesses – Augustus’s weakness is his single-minded focus on his academic goals, which may lead to insensitivity toward the family’s struggles.
E. Triggers – He is triggered by the potential historical significance of the hoarded items and the clash between his academic interests and the family’s emotions.
F. Coping Mechanism – Augustus copes with his ambition by maintaining an enthusiastic and intellectual façade, sometimes overlooking the emotional depth of the situation.
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KZ’s Layers of Intrigue
What I learned doing this assignment is how to add layers of intrigue to the characters. As for using Chat GPT, by defining the characters on my own with a more elaborate description, I kept the AI from going off into territory I didn’t want to explore. However, I didn’t benefit from AI’s brainstorming, since I had already come up with the answers myself.
Here were the character descriptions I gave AI in Lesson 3:
Main characters =
• Avery, the lonely protagonist, lived with and cared for the ailing mother, is something of a hoarder herself and wants to preserve the mother’s memory through stuff, can’t let go of the past and believes there is a will hidden in the junk that will prove mommy loved her best
• Regan, antagonist, the sister who left home and made good as a real estate speculator, sees the home’s value and wants to put it on the market
• Rodney, the Declutter King, hired by Regan to clear out the junk and help her get her sister declared mentally unfit
• Augustus, the archaeologist who has attached himself to Avery to catalog this perfect picture of modern American society
Building on that, here was openAI’s suggestion:
Here are the intriguing layers for each of the main characters in this comedy series about two estranged sisters fighting for control of their deceased hoarder mother’s house:
Avery:
A. Hidden agendas: Avery secretly believes that there is a hidden will among the hoarded possessions, but she’s also secretly afraid that it may not exist, and this fear drives her obsession.
B. Competition: Avery sees her relationship with Regan as a lifelong competition for their mother’s love and now, for the ownership of the house.
C. Secrets: Avery is hiding the extent of her hoarding tendencies from everyone, including her sister Regan, and it’s a secret that weighs heavily on her.
D. Deception: Avery’s desperate attempts to find the hidden will and her obsession with preserving her mother’s memory lead her to engage in various forms of deception to protect her interests.
Regan:
A. Hidden agendas: Regan’s hidden financial motives drive her desire to sell the house, but she also secretly harbors guilt about leaving her sister and mother behind.
B. Competition: Regan feels the pressure to compete with Avery for the house and is afraid that Avery might uncover a valuable item within the hoarded possessions.
C. Secrets: Regan is keeping her true financial situation concealed from Avery and the rest of the family, leading to inner conflict.
D. Deception: Regan is deceiving Avery about her true intentions for the house, as well as her involvement with Rodney and the plan to have Avery declared mentally unfit.
Rodney (The Declutter King):
A. Hidden agendas: Rodney has a personal history of hoarding in his family, and he’s secretly trying to make amends for past mistakes by helping Avery and Regan.
B. Competition: Rodney is competing with Augustus to uncover valuable or historically significant items within the hoard, leading to humorous conflicts.
C. Secrets: Rodney is hiding his personal connection to hoarding, which influences his approach to decluttering and his emotional involvement with the family.
D. Deception: Rodney might initially deceive Avery about his true motives, presenting himself as a professional declutterer without disclosing his personal stake in the matter.
Augustus (The Archaeologist):
A. Hidden agendas: Augustus secretly hopes to publish a groundbreaking research paper on hoarding based on the house’s contents, driving his fascination with the possessions.
B. Competition: Augustus competes with Rodney to catalog and interpret the hoarded items, leading to humorous clashes between the academic and practical approaches.
C. Secrets: Augustus conceals his academic aspirations from Avery and Regan, fearing they may obstruct his research efforts.
D. Deception: Augustus may downplay his scholarly interests to gain the trust of the sisters while secretly maneuvering to study the hoard intensively.
These intriguing layers add depth and complexity to the characters, contributing to the comedic and dramatic elements of the series. They create opportunities for humor, conflict, and unexpected twists as the story unfolds.
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KZ’s Engaging Main Characters
Assignment #1: MR. ROBOT
Journey: From a frustrated, powerless tech worker to part of a grant scheme to destroy E-Corp, the company that killed his father.
Characters that sell this show: Elliot and Mr. Robot
A. Role in the show:
Elliot, a 25-year-old computer tech at a cybersecurity firm who seems to be somewhat autistic.
Mr. Robot, 45? – the organizer of fsociety, a group of hackers dedicated to bringing down capitalism.
B. Unique purpose / expertise:
Elliot: gifted at hacking, he uses his skills to bring down evil wherever he finds it.
Mr. Robot: uses extreme versions of carrot and stick to get hackers to do what he wants. He becomes a father figure to Elliot, including the love and psychological abuse.
C. Intrigue:
Elliot finds himself in the odd position of protecting E-Corp, the company that caused his father’s death. He spies on people via their social media, including his best friend and his therapist. He is invited by Tyrell to work directly for E-Corp.
Mr. Robot: He is authoritarian about his mission.
D. Moral issue:
Elliot: He frames the president of E-Corp as the person who gave away its secrets to hackers, causing the man to go to prison. He must keep secrets from his best friend, Angela, as well as his boss, Gideon, since his personal mission is at odds with his job at Allsafe Cybersecurity, and it will cause them to lose their jobs when the company fails.
Mr. Robot: Doesn’t seem to have moral issues. He doesn’t care who he hurts in pursuit of his goal.
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next?
Elliot: He boldly stands up to the small-time evil doers who have done harm to his friends, including the drug dealers who was supplying the methadone that supposedly kept him from becoming addicted to morphine. He’s a morphine addict who rationalizes his actions. He doesn’t always act in his own best interest. His ideology gets him in trouble. He has a history of hallucinations and anger.
Mr. Robot: One minute he’s kind, the next minute he pushes Elliot off a wall, causing him to land in the hospital. He punishes anyone who’s less than 100% committed to his cause.
F. Empathetic:
Elliot – so lonely that he often cries. Wants to protect the good people from the bad people. Feels unrequited love for his childhood friend Angela.
Mr. Robot – He takes a principled stand against greedy capitalists and risks his freedom to do so.
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KZ’s Engaging Main Characters – My Project
What I learned: The prompt wasn’t working for me because I already have some ideas for the characters, so I modified it, basically adding a bunch of info to the descriptions and removing the first two items. Here’s the prompt I used:
For each of the [main characters] for this [genre] about this [concept], please brainstorm the [Character Basics] of that character that fits this TV series well.
Character Basics =
A. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface?
B. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing?
C. Unpredictable: What will they do next?.
D. Empathetic: Why do we care?
Genre = comedy
Concept = two estranged sisters fight for control of their deceased hoarder mother’s house.
Main characters =
• Avery, the lonely protagonist, lived with and cared for the ailing mother, is something of a hoarder herself and wants to preserve the mother’s memory through stuff, can’t let go of the past and believes there is a will hidden in the junk that will prove mommy loved her best
• Regan, antagonist, the sister who left home and made good as a real estate speculator, sees the home’s value and wants to put it on the market
• Rodney, the Declutter King, hired by Regan to clear out the junk and help her get her sister declared mentally unfit
• Augustus, the archaeologist who has attached himself to Avery to catalog this perfect picture of modern American society
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… and here’s Chat GPT’s answer:
Here are the Character Basics for each of the main characters in this comedy series about two estranged sisters fighting for control of their deceased hoarder mother’s house:
Avery:
A. Intrigue: Avery is secretly holding onto a deep-seated belief that there is a hidden will among her mother’s hoarded possessions that will prove her mother loved her more than Regan.
B. Moral Issue: Avery is crossing moral boundaries by becoming increasingly obsessed with preserving her mother’s memory and clinging to the hoarded items, even as it negatively impacts her life.
C. Unpredictable: Avery’s emotional attachment to the hoarded items makes it difficult to predict how she will react in various situations, especially when threatened with losing the house.
D. Empathetic: We care about Avery because we understand her loneliness, her desire to feel loved, and her emotional struggle to cope with her mother’s passing and her strained relationship with Regan.
Regan:
A. Intrigue: Regan has a hidden agenda to sell the house and profit from it, concealing her true financial motives from Avery.
B. Moral Issue: Regan is crossing moral boundaries by exploiting her sister’s emotional vulnerability and hiring Rodney to have Avery declared mentally unfit.
C. Unpredictable: Regan’s actions are unpredictable, especially as she tries to balance her financial interests with her strained relationship with Avery.
D. Empathetic: We care about Regan because we can see that she has worked hard to build her life, but we also see her inner conflict in exploiting the situation for personal gain.
Rodney (The Declutter King):
A. Intrigue: Rodney has a mysterious background, including a personal connection to hoarding and the emotional toll it takes on families.
B. Moral Issue: Rodney grapples with a moral dilemma as he becomes emotionally involved in the sisters’ family drama while working to clear out their mother’s hoarded items.
C. Unpredictable: Rodney’s past experiences and evolving feelings for Avery make his actions and decisions unpredictable as he navigates this unique situation.
D. Empathetic: We care about Rodney because of his genuine desire to help Avery and the sisters while dealing with his own emotional baggage tied to hoarding.
Augustus (The Archaeologist):
A. Intrigue: Augustus is secretly fascinated by the hoarded items, seeing them as a unique archaeological site revealing a snapshot of modern American society.
B. Moral Issue: Augustus grapples with the moral boundaries of exploiting the family’s situation for his own academic interests.
C. Unpredictable: Augustus’ scholarly enthusiasm for the hoarded possessions leads to unpredictable interactions with the sisters, as he inadvertently uncovers hidden treasures.
D. Empathetic: We care about Augustus because of his quirky passion for understanding the past and his genuine fascination with the hoarded items, which adds a humorous and intellectual dimension to the series.
These character basics should help create depth and complexity in the characters, making them more engaging and intriguing within the comedy genre and the concept of the series.
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KZ’s Three Circles of Characters
What I learned doing Assignment #1 is to categorize characters according to their impact on the main character’s journey.
A. Main Characters circle:
Elliot, Mr. Robot, Tyrell, Angela
B. Connected Characters circle:
Krista (therapist), Shayla, Ollie, Gideon, Tyrell’s wife, Lloyd, Cisco, Hackers at fsociety (Mobley, Trenton, Romero, Darlene), Fernando (drug supplier)
C. Environment characters circle:
Computer techs at Allsafe cybersecurity, corporate suits, lawyers, E-Corp thugs, drug dealers, skateboarders at Coney Island, hospital personnel
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MR. ROBOT 5-Star Model
What I learned doing this assignment is…how to use the 5-star model to begin to understand what makes a pilot compelling and, well… binge-worthy!
Big Picture Hooks
A lonely idealist hacker joins forces with the mysterious Mr. Robot and his fsociety to take down E Corp, the largest conglomerate in the world, which will delete the record of 70% of credit card, loan or mortgage debt, creating the single biggest incident of wealth redistribution in history.
Amazing and Intriguing Character
Elliot is an outsider with a strong sense of justice, who questions every aspect of the modern world. Introduction: he’s causing a pedophile to be arrested. He uses his superior hacking skills to champion good people and destroy evil ones. But he feels powerless, is damaged, uses drugs, and worries that he’s imagining things. His way of thinking is compelling and unique. He has keen insight into the world around him.
None of the other characters are that interesting so far. Elliot is enough for the pilot.
Empathy/Distress
Elliot elicits empathy because he’s up against the “guys who play god without permission.”
He tries to help the good people.
We feel distress for his despair, his loneliness, his inability to connect, his drug use, and the danger he’s in. Also for his unrequited love for his childhood friend, Angela.
At the end, he’s been brought into the orbit of Tyrell, the Technology VP of Evil Corp, and we worry about that.
Layers/Open Loops
Layers:
- Elliot is in love with Angela. Her influence drives everything.
- He’s unstable – uses drugs and may be hallucinating.
- Wants to protect women who have terrible taste in men.
- Uses his hacking skills to bring evil people to justice.
- Notices details others don’t see (like the fast wi-fi in the coffee shop)
- Uses his wits to get information (pretending to lose something in a cab)
- Rescues an abused dog.
Open Loops
Main question: Will Elliot succeed in taking down Evil Corp? Or will he get caught trying?
Sub questions:
- Will Elliot go to work for Tyrell?
- Will Elliot solve his loneliness?
- Will he get together with Angela? (Will Angela break up with Ollie?)
- Will Krista find love?
Inviting Obsession
The pilot is a smart story with high production values, characters that surprise and unexpected plot twists. And there’s substance to it, which is very unusual. And some of the truths about society are bracing. It was a long pilot, and I felt engaged the whole time.
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I, Kristina Zill, agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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The news is so awful right now, it is almost unbearable. I have always admired writers who get their work done despite horrific world events, and I am determined to be one of those writers, rather than my usual pattern of allowing the outside world to send me into a downward spiral of sleepless nights and despair. Irene Nemirovsky wrote Suite Francaise while she was fleeing Paris ahead of the invading German army, and what is her story about? Characters fleeing Paris ahead of the German invasion! It’s insightful and funny (and the last thing she wrote before dying in a concentration camp). I envy that kind of focus. As Robert McKee wrote, “If history has taught us anything, it’s that when toxic nightmare is finally cleaned up, the homeless provided shelter, and the world converted to solar energy, each of us will still be up to our eyebrows in mulch.” The world situation is dire, but before I’m up to my eyebrows in mulch, I hope to write a great script, or play, or novel. I look forward to working with you all as we improve our binge-worthy skills.
“I am thinking of aurochs and angels, the secret of durable pigments, prophetic sonnets, the refuge of art.” – Vladimir Nabokov
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• Kristina Zill (my friends call me KZ)
• I started out as a playwright, writing many plays that were produced in small venues. Then I took Robert McKee’s Story workshop, and shifted my focus to screenplays. Of all the scripts I’ve written, about 5 are marketable. I moved to the Catskill Mountains and since there wasn’t the vibrant theater community I had known in NYC, I wrote 2 novels. I was a finalist in a screenplay contest in 2013. My play (HOME) was adapted to film (FOREVER YOUR FIREPLACE), which won Best Comedy Short at Worldfest Houston in 2016.
• During BWTV-23, I took the AI for Screenwriters class, and tried unsuccessfully to apply the intriguing methods to my BW project. And just about the time I was musing that it would be supernaturally wonderful if there were an AI component tailored to BWTV, bada bing! I’m noodling on a new idea for this class, and I also hope to apply AI techniques to brainstorm improvements to my previous BW script.
• When I was 8, my family moved from Houston, Texas to Paris, France. Learning a language in a sink-or-swim way gave me a knack for languages, an ear for dialogue, and comfort with being a fish-out-of-water. Most likely, total immersion in a foreign country is the reason I became a writer. On the other hand, I have difficulty recognizing faces, which has led to many an embarrassing social faux pas. That kind of lifelong absurdity may be why I write comedy.
• In addition to genre classes, I have taken BWTV-23 and Creative Mastery-4
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KZ’s Layers and Reveals for MURDER MY DARLINGS
What I learned doing this assignment is… I was on the lookout only for substantial reveals, the kind that will appear in later episodes. By thinking of layers and reveals that are presented and answered in the pilot, I focused on the smaller surprises that will give the writing more tension and make it more exciting to read.
Teaser:
Essence: A young man, Raymond, flees a 12th-floor apartment, chased by an unknown assailant
Surface: He is pursued by someone
Character reveal: The pursuer sounds like an animal, shreds like an animalSurface: A mysterious cloaked woman is in the stairwell and temporarily draws the assailant toward her.
Plot reveal: The assailant is not interested in her.
Surface: Raymond cleverly removes his shoes so he won’t make any noise
Situation reveal: He accidentally drops a shoe, giving away his position.
Surface: Raymond almost escapes
Plot reveal: The assailant pushes him over the railing, down the stairwell to his death.
ACT I
Surface: Oliver has amnesia, but believes he’s an undercover agent
Situation reveal: His apartment is full of the trappings of a costume designer
Surface: Indigo is a tarot card reader and therapist
Character Reveal: She’s blunt and insulting, not like the nurturing groovy people who are usually in that profession.
Surface: Indigo urges Oliver to prove he’s an undercover agent by taking on the Detective.
Character reveal: Oliver is fearful and prefers to hide instead.
Surface: Michelle is the superintendent
Plot Reveal: She’s been dealing with squatters and thinks that Oliver is one. She demands to know what his story is and claims he’s not supposed to be in the apartment.
Surface: Michelle claims the apartment is supposed to be empty
Situation Reveal: The apartment is full of Oliver’s stuff and looks ‘lived in’
Surface: Detective Uhm is on the case
Character Reveal: He’s the anti-Columbo, always drawing the wrong conclusions
Surface: Michelle is helping Detective Uhm stay on track and solve the crime
Plot Reveal: She purposely conceals the shoe from him and insists that Oliver hide it.
ACT II
Essence: Oliver and IRL Tony meet.
Surface: The “homeless” woman barges into Oliver’s apartment and disappears through the portal
Situation/Plot Reveal: It’s a passageway into Tony’s apartment
Surface: Oliver wants to talk to Tony about the shoe, which he takes with him.
Character Reveal: Tony kisses Oliver – they know each other well.
Surface: Oliver claims he doesn’t know Tony
Character Reveal: Tony slaps him.
Surface: Tony apologizes
Plot Reveal: Oliver has been gravely ill in the hospital, which explains his amnesia.
Surface: Tony is all Oliver’s
Character Reveal: He is kept by Loren, who’s extremely jealous – so he sends Oliver back through the portal
Surface: Loren wants to know who Tony was talking to
Character Reveal: Tony is an aspiring actor, who claims he was rehearsing an audition piece
Surface: Loren is in charge
Character Reveal: Tony uses his powers to maintain true dominance
Surface: Loren is surprised to see the shoe
Plot reveal: He recognizes it
Surface: Vlad enters the apartment
Character reveal: Both Tony and Loren are afraid of Vlad
ACT III
Essence: Loren is assisting Russian intelligence, and the Russians want Oliver dead
Surface: Loren and Vlad are doing some kind of business
Plot reveal: Loren adds encoded messages to the ebook form of his novels
Surface: Tony and Oliver think their affair was secret
Plot reveal: Loren knew all about it and gave Oliver a virus (supplied by Vlad), which landed him in the hospital. / Vlad wanted Oliver dead.
Surface: Loren assures Vlad that Oliver is at death’s door in the hospital
Situation reveal: Oliver is hiding in the kitchen.
Act IV
Essence: Oliver is locked into the plot
Surface: Tony had claimed to know nothing of “Raymond’s” murder
Plot reveal: Michelle reveals that all of Tony’s boyfriends have died gruesome deaths (hinting that Loren is responsible)
Surface: Oliver, fearful, decides to break off whatever it was that they had
Character Reveal: He encounters Tony, who doesn’t know who he is.
Surface: Oliver thinks he’s managed to avoid all trouble
Plot reveal: Detective Uhm finds the shoe and accuses Oliver of murder.
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KZ’s Beat Sheet
What I learned doing this assignment is… that the flaws and strengths of your idea really show up when you create your story’s beats.
Show Concept:
Two worlds collide when a fictional character discovers a portal into his creator’s home.
Inciting Incident:
A young man named Raymond is thrown from an upper floor down a stairwell to his death. His corpse is missing a shoe and shows signs of attack by a large animal.
Lock in:
Oliver, an out-of-work costume designer, is linked to the murder when a key piece of evidence—the victim’s shoe—is found in his apartment.
A Story = Who killed Raymond? (evidence, Detective)
B Story = Who is Oliver really?
C Story = Oliver and Tony; Michelle & Detective; Tony and Loren
TEASER
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
Raymond is pushed down the stairwell to his death 12 floors below.
ACT 1
INT. OLIVER’S APARTMENT – DAY
Oliver questions his identity.
Tony hides a shoe (seen by Indigo)
Detective and Michelle ask questions.
Michelle prevents Oliver from disclosing shoe.
Oliver discovers the portal.
ACT 2
INT. LOREN’S APARTMENT – DAY
Oliver meets IRL Tony, who reveals their relationship and Oliver’s hospital stay.
Oliver hides. Loren enters, jealously demands to know who Tony was talking to.
Something about the blogger conflict.
Vlad enters.
ACT 3
INT. LOREN’S HOME OFFICE — DAY
In private conference with Loren, Vlad wants to know why Oliver isn’t dead yet.
Vlad gives Loren the sentence to insert in his book.
ACT 4
The Detective finds the shoe in Oliver’s apartment, and accuses Oliver of murder.
Oliver must find the real murderer and solve the problem of his identity.
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KZ’s Setting Up The Future
What I learned doing this assignment is… how in the pilot, it’s important to sow the seeds of future plot events.
Big Picture Set-Ups
– The Russians are still out to get Oliver and Finster*
– The Fictional characters are spilling out into the world – how will they interact with real people?
– The love story between Oliver and Tony
– The portal that’s still open
Set-ups for the future:
Finster’s battle with the literary blogger who keeps trashing his work.
IRL Oliver gives fictional Oliver the proof of what the Russians and Finster are up to.
Fictional characters from other novels who make their way into Oliver’s apartment.
The frustration of Finster’s fictional characters that they’re always at his mercy.
Finster’s fixation with making the best-seller list.
Some reference to the Monster that Finster will create in the future. Monstresse?
People who write fan fiction, and how it impacts Finster’s characters.
Perhaps a particular fan fiction writer who makes the characters do things they definitely do not want to do. The fan fiction writer must be stopped.
The fan fiction writer, Ignatius, stalks Finster, and is in danger because the Russians have become aware of him. Finster may tell Vlad, “Don’t kill him. He’s my biggest fan!”
Ignatius becomes creepy in other episodes, ultimately betrays Finster.
Chester, the CIA contact, persuades Oliver to continue IRL Oliver’s work of busting up the Russian spy ring and bringing Finster to justice.
Vlad coerces Ignatius into becoming a double agent.
Ignatius enjoys making the characters do what he wants them to do, and won’t stop, despite Oliver’s entreaties.
Finster gets Tony to answer fan mail.
*Finster is the new first name of the Antagonist… formerly known as Nolan. And it may change yet again.
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The Antagonist’s first name is now Loren.
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KZ’s Mysteries and Open Loops
What I learned from this assignment is… not to hold back on the pilot, which is the most important piece of the series. Because if readers and audiences aren’t compelled by the pilot, then they won’t look any further.
I moved the intrigue surrounding the Antagonist (whose name has been changed to Lorn) and the Russians to the pilot. This caused me to lose an episode, so now I’m down to 9.
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What I learned doing this assignment: Returning to this exercise, I found that even though I had plenty of questions about the past and future built into Lesson 6, it helped to re-state moments as mysteries and open loops.
Teaser:
Main mystery: Who killed Raymond?
Sub-mysteries: • Why does the killer sound like an animal? •Why wasn’t the killer interested in the cloaked woman?
Open loop: Will the killer be caught?
Sub-open loop: Will the killer strike again?
Act I:
Main mystery: What is Oliver’s real identity?
Sub-mysteries: • How did Indigo and Oliver wind up working together? • Who is the cloaked woman? • Why did Michelle think Oliver didn’t belong in his apartment? • How did evidence of the murder wind up in Oliver’s apartment? • What does Michelle know about the shoe and why would she want to hide evidence from Detective Uhm?
Open loop: Will we find out Oliver’s real identity?
Sub-open loop: Will we find out Oliver’s identity through Michelle?
Act II:
Main mystery: How are Oliver and Tony linked?
Sub-mysteries: • Did Oliver’s stay in the hospital cause his amnesia? • Why did Loren recognize the shoe, but Tony didn’t? • Does Loren know about Tony and Oliver’s affair? •Why does Vlad try to kill Oliver?
Open loop: Will Vlad kill Oliver?
Sub-open loop: Will we find out Tony’s connection to Raymond?
Act III:
Main mystery: Who is Vlad, and what does he have on Loren?
Sub-mysteries: Why did Tony claim not to recognize Oliver, or even know him?
Open loop: Will Vlad and Loren find out that Oliver is alive?
Sub-open loop: What will happen when Vlad and Loren find out Oliver is alive?
Act IV:
Main mystery: Who is the man who looks like Oliver in the hospital?
Open loop: What will Vlad and Loren find at the hospital?
Sub-open loops: Will we resolve the mystery of the two Olivers and the two Tonys?
Act V:
Main mystery: Did Oliver kill Raymond? and if not, who did?
Open loop: How will the murder be resolved?
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KZ’s Edited TV Pitch Bible
What I learned doing this assignment is… that my first instinct was to write a book report, and it took lots of passes to eliminate anything that wasn’t essential. It was hard omitting the finer details of the story that weren’t necessary for the pitch.
Way back in February, I purchased an entry to the Script Pipeline Pitch Contest for a mere $15, knowing that I would be far enough along with this class to have completed the Pitch Bible by the submission deadline.
I have been editing it for about the past week, and even just spent an entire day thinking up a new name for my Antagonist. I finally re-read it, was pleased with the results, attached the PDF and pressed “Send.”
The good thing about entering a contest late is you don’t have to wait long for the results. The downside is the possibility that the contest judges have already decided on the winner. At least I’m 3 days before the final deadline.
Fingers crossed.
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KZ Stacks Intrigue
What I learned doing this assignment is…a technique for stacking intrigue on the way to the turning point.
List of turning points:
Act I – Detective shows up, asking about Raymond’s missing shoe
Act II – Oliver discovers that he and Tony were lovers, and that the Russian knows him
Act III – Nolan is working for the Russians – he’s the one who tried to kill Oliver, and thinks that his victim is near death at the hospital
Act IV – Raymond was Tony’s lover, and all his lovers wind up dying gruesomely
Act V – Oliver is accused and must find Raymond’s real murderer
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I returned to this exercise to stack the intrigue. Acts 4 and 5 are a bit thin, but I’ll beef them up as I go along.
Teaser
Mystery: Who is the cloaked woman?
Mystery: Who is the unseen attacker, and why do they sound like an animal?
Strange behavior: Why isn’t the attacker interested in the cloaked woman?
Mystery: Why is Raymond’s throat shredded, as though by an animal?
Turning point: Raymond falls to his death, leaving behind a shoe
Act 1
Mystery: Who is Oliver and is this really his apartment?
Mystery: Who brought Oliver and Indigo together?
Mystery: Why does Oliver think he’s an undercover agent?
Strange behavior: Indigo doesn’t behave like a nurturing tarot reader
Strange behavior: Oliver doesn’t behave like an undercover agent.
Mystery: Why was Tony hiding in his apartment?
Mystery: Why does Oliver think he’s an undercover agent?
Mystery: Who is the “homeless” cloaked woman and where does she disappear to?
Strange behavior: Why did Michelle, the superintendent, think the apartment was empty?
Mystery: How did Raymond’s shoe wind up in Oliver’s apartment?
Mystery: Why does Michelle think Oliver doesn’t belong here?
Turning point: Michelle hides the shoe from Detective Uhm, protecting Oliver
Act II
Mystery: How did the cloaked woman leave Oliver’s apartment?
Mystery: Where does the portal lead to?
Mystery: How was the portal created?
Strange behavior: Why does Tony kiss Oliver and then slap him?
Secret: Tony claims that he and Oliver had a clandestine affair
Mystery: Why does Tony claim to know nothing about the shoe, or Raymond, or the murder?
Wound: Oliver was in the hospital with Covid, that’s why he can’t remember anything
Hidden Layer: Tony tells Oliver that Loren had an affair with Michelle when she was Michael Deception: Tony hides Oliver in the hall because Loren enters the room and asks who he was talking to
Intrigue: Loren recognizes the shoe
Accusation: Tony says that Oliver brought it, to gage Loren’s reaction.
Intrigue: Vlad, in the hallway, sees Oliver, pulls a gun
Suspense: Will Oliver get back in before Vlad gets to him?
Deception: Oliver gets back in, grabs the shoe and disappears through the portal.
Suspense: Vlad bursts into the apartment
Turning point: Oliver overhears Vlad accuse Loren of not disposing of Oliver.
Act III
Accusation: Vlad accuses Loren of botching Oliver’s death.
Suspense: Vlad searches the apartment while Loren glowers at Tony
Deception: Tony feigns innocence
Mystery: Why does Vlad want Oliver dead?
Intrigue: Loren tells Tony to call the hospital and ask about Oliver’s status
Mystery: Tony searches for the pathway Oliver came through, can’t find it.
Hidden Layer: Loren loses patience with Tony, makes the call himself about “lover boy”
Intrigue: What does Vlad have on Loren that makes him so afraid?
Mystery: Why is Vlad interested in the publication date of Loren’s next book?
Mystery: Why is Vlad giving Loren information to plug into the novel?
Hidden agenda: His own life in peril, Loren assures Vlad even if Oliver is alive, he will be dead soon.
Deception: Oliver eavesdrops
Accusation: Since phoning hasn’t worked, Vlad forces Loren to accompany him to the hospital to get eyewitness proof that Oliver is dead.
Accusation: Oliver demands to know from Michelle why these men want him dead.
Turning Point: Michelle tells Oliver about the gruesome deaths of all men who flirt with Tony, and warns him not to get too involved in that story.
Act IV
Strange behavior: When Tony turns up and Oliver breaks up with him, Tony claims not to even know him
Strange behavior: After pretending not to recognize the shoe, Tony absconds with it.
Turning point: At the hospital, Loren and Vlad see that Oliver is clearly in intensive care, at death’s door.
Act V
Turning point:
Detective Uhm finds the shoe in the apartment, accuses Oliver of Raymond’s death.
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KZ’s Layers & Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment is… that my reveals were happening in other episodes. I need to spend some time and figure out how to get more reveals into the pilot.
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KZ’s Character Storylines
What I learned doing this assignment is… how to integrate character storylines with the plot. This technique helps streamline descriptions to what’s most intriguing.
MURDER MY DARLINGS
Teaser:
Essence: A young man flees a 12th-floor apartment, chased by an unknown assailant
Turning Point: The young man is pushed over the banister and falls down the stairwell to his death in the foyer below.
Act I
Essence: (Oliver opening) Oliver suffers from partial amnesia – there are huge holes in his memory. Against all evidence that points to his being a costume designer, he feels certain that he’s a CIA agent.
(Tony opening) Not realizing he’s being watched, Tony enters via the balcony and hides evidence tied to Raymond’s murder – the dead man’s missing shoe.
Turning point:
(Detective Uhm opening) A detective shows up, asking questions about Raymond’s murder and looking for a missing shoe.
Dilemma: Oliver makes the decision to hide the shoe.
Act II
Essence: Oliver and IRL Tony meet.
(Oliver TP1) Oliver accidentally crosses over into the real world and enters IRL Tony’s apartment, meets Tony, who he doesn’t remember.
(IRL Tony opening) Tony is elated that Oliver is “back from the hospital,” informs him that they were lovers, and hides him because Nolan is insanely jealous.
(Nolan opening) Nolan enters, complains bitterly that a literary blogger has been trashing his work.
(Russian opening) A Russian lets himself in to Nolan’s apartment. He and Nolan go to Nolan’s home office and close the door.
(IRL Tony TP 1) Tony sends Oliver back home through the portal.
Act III
Essence: Nolan’s novels are published as part of a money laundering scheme, and he also is forced to insert secret messages for the GRU in ebooks of his supernatural thrillers.
(Nolan – Major conflict) The Russian wants to know why Oliver isn’t dead yet. Nolan assures him that Oliver is on life-support at the hospital and will die any day. The Russian taunts him about the literary blogger’s criticism: that his murder scenes lacked realism. The Russian dictates a sentence that Nolan must work into his current novel and wants to know when it will be ready to publish.
Act IV
Essence: Oliver decides to break it off with Tony
(Oliver TP2) Michelle reveals that Raymond was Tony’s lover, and that all of his lovers seem to die a gruesome death. When Oliver sees Tony, he tries to break it off, but Tony acts differently than before and claims to not know who he is. Michelle seems vindicated in saying that Tony is not to be trusted.
Act V
Essence: Oliver is accused of murder.
(Detective Uhm TP1): The Detective finds the shoe; informs Oliver that he is a suspect in a murder.
(Oliver ending) Oliver must discover Raymond’s real murderer or be accused himself.
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KZ’s Amazing Inciting Incident
What I learned doing this assignment is… since each lesson is elevating the concept, to do each one to the best of one’s ability at that moment, and move on, knowing that it will continue to evolve.
1. What is the “inciting incident” of your series that the pilot needs to deliver powerfully?
Oliver must solve the mystery of his true identity, or he will be manipulated into murder.
2. The main beats of that inciting incident:
Intriguing Concept: An amnesiac fights to restore his memory and keep from being set-up by his neighbor as Raymond’s killer.
Act 1 – Surface layer
Oliver has been involved in a clandestine affair with the guy next door, whose partner is a jealous author who seeks revenge through his novels.
Midpoint: Oliver learns that he was in a clandestine affair with Tony, and that Nolan tried to kill him, causing him to wind up in the hospital.
Lock in: Oliver is accused of Raymond’s death and must find the real murderer.
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KZ’s Pilot Structure
What I learned doing this assignment is… how to set up scenes by their essence and their turning points.
Teaser:
Essence: A young man flees a 12th-floor apartment, chased by an unknown assailant
Turning Point: The young man is pushed over the banister and falls down the stairwell to his death in the foyer below.
Act I
Essence: Oliver questions who he is. Tony plants a shoe.
Turning Point: A detective appears, asking questions. Oliver wonders…could he be a murderer?
Act II
Essence: Seeking to return the shoe, Oliver meets IRL Tony
Turning Point: Tony reveals that Oliver has been near death in the hospital and hides him from Nolan
Act III
Essence: Nolan’s publisher launders money for Russians and plants secret messages in published ebooks
Turning Point: The Russian wants to know why Oliver isn’t dead yet.
Act IV
Essence: Oliver is taken with Tony, and decides to conceal the shoe that ties him to the murder
Turning Point: Michelle reveals that Raymond was Tony’s lover, and that all of his lovers seem to die a gruesome death.
Act V
Essence: Oliver must discover Raymond’s real murderer or be accused himself
Turning Point: The Detective finds the shoe; accuses Oliver of murder
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Oops – posted this in error and there’s no way to simply delete.
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KZ presents non-stop intrigue
I feel like my pilot isn’t strong enough, so rather than make every line in the bible as intriguing as possible, I’m skipping ahead to Module 3, and working on enhancing the inciting incident.
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KZ’s Visually Appealing Bible
I haven’t actually done this assignment yet. Since I have fallen so far behind, and the story keeps evolving, I will circle back around to creating the graphics at the end.
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KZ’s Big Picture Components
What I learned doing this assignment is… that every time I articulate the bones of the story, I zero in on what will make the show more binge-worthy.
SERIES INFO:
- World: The place where fiction and reality meet
- Main Mystery: Who killed Raymond?
- Impossible Goal: For Oliver to solve the problem with only partial memory
- Main Conflict: Nolan is jealous of Tony’s relationship with Oliver
- Second Mystery: Who is Oliver?
- Season 1 Arc: Oliver solves the mystery of who killed Raymond, and who he is
- Season 1 Protagonist Internal Journey: Oliver goes from helpless, at the mercy of Nolan, to writing his own narrative
PILOT INFO:
- Pilot Conflict: Oliver is framed for Raymond’s murder, and his amnesia makes it difficult to defend himself.
- Characters Introduced: Oliver, Tony, Nolan, Michelle, Detective, Indigo, Russian
- Inciting Incident of Season 1: Oliver has to prove Nolan’s guilt in Raymond’s death, or risk incarceration, death, or becoming a murderer himself.
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KZ’s Episode Titles
What I learned doing this assignment is… the titles can help tell the story to the reader, yes; but they can also clarify the order of events for the writer.
MURDER MY DARLINGS – Season 1 – WHO KILLED RAYMOND?
1. Framed
2. The Portal
3. Doppelganger
4. The Two Tonys
5. Being and Nothingness
6. Stolen Files
7. New Talents
8. Rewrites
9. Spies Like Us
10. Revolt
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KZ’s Intrigue Patterns
What I learned doing this assignment is…how to test each sentence for its Intrigue factor, and use one of the patterns to elevate it.
1. The superintendent, Michelle, warns Oliver that if he gets involved with Tony, he’s likely to suffer the same fate as Raymond, and others before him.
A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean.
The superintendent, Michelle, reveals that Raymond was involved with Tony, that anyone who provokes Nolan’s raging jealousy dies in a gruesome way, and that Oliver could be next.
B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.
The superintendent, Michelle, wonders aloud whether anyone else has noticed that Tony’s lates flirt always dies in a gruesome way.
C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc.
The superintendent, Michelle, lets it slip that Raymond was involved with Tony. Is gruesome murder what awaits anyone who dallies with Tony?
D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done _______
The Superintendent, Michelle, worries that all corpses lead to Tony.
E. But maybe it is all wrong
The superintendent, Michelle, floats the theory that anyone who flirts with Tony winds up dead. But Oliver can’t square that with the sensual spirit he met that afternoon.
F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences
The superintendent, Michelle, insists that Raymond is just the latest in a series of murders committed in a jealous rage, and that Oliver is bound to meet the same fate.
G. If he does ___________ that means _intrigue_______.
If Tony flirts with you – run! Raymond was just the latest in a series of unsolved homicides, and even though nothing has been proven, it’s a little too coincidental that Nolan flies into a jealous rage every time Tony flirts.
H. State the mystery
We know Nolan had a hand in Raymond’s death. But how is did he commit the murder with such an airtight alibi?
I. Should be/could be _______________, but it is even worse.
Falling in love for the first time should be cause for celebration, but for Oliver, it’s a death sentence.
J. Intense Language.
Raymond’s shredded throat and crushed body serve as a warning to any man who dares to flirt with Tony.
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KZ’s TV Pitch Bible Investigation
What I learned doing this assignment is… how to keep looking even after you think you’ve found plenty. Just going through the process in previous exercises, I had already come up with a lot, but decided to try to find even more by going farther afield.
Tool 1: DIG: What’s beneath that?
Level 1: Oliver seems to believe that he was a CIA agent.
2. IRL Oliver was, in fact, an undercover CIA Agent (FBI?) on a mission to discover how Nolan was transmitting secrets and laundering money on behalf of the GRU – the Russian intelligence service.
3. IRL Oliver fell in love with Nolan’s partner, Tony. So does fictional Tony.
Level 2: Nolan, known for his jealous rages and for killing off his rivals in fiction, is commanded to kill for real when the Russians discover the truth about IRL Oliver’s identity. They gave him a vial of Covid, and it works like a charm, landing IRL Oliver in the hospital.
Level 3: Nolan has been trying to be a truly celebrated author, rather than just a front man for the Russians, who couldn’t care less how well his books sell, only how well they appear to sell.
Tool 2: EXTRAPOLATE: If ____________, then ______________.
If fictional characters become real when they go through the portal, then more fictional characters are going to want to go through and become real.
If fictional characters are based on real people, but they’re not quite the same, then they will exhibit slightly different traits.
If Nolan has gotten a taste for killing, then why not kill off the blogger who has been so critical of his work?
If characters can pass through the portal, then why not send Tony to kill in the real world?
Tool 3: What if?
What if Oliver picks up IRL Oliver’s spying duties?
What if Oliver rewrites the story to become a writer.
What if, when he’s a writer, Oliver puts the characters through as much hell as he has suffered?
Tool 4: BACKTRACK
How did the portal come to be? (ponder this)
Tool 5: FORECAST
At the end of the 5th season, Nolan is killed by fictional Tony.
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KZ’s Show Summary
What I learned doing this assignment is… wow, so much! I have perfectionism issues, but fortunately, the previous lessons allowed me to open up the story. For this assignment, I chose option B – Highlights of the Entire Season. I still need to work on the final cliffhanger.
MURDER MY DARLINGS
Who killed Raymond? Someone is trying to pin it on Oliver, who suffers from blank spots in his memory.
Nolan Harris, the writer next door, knows a lot more than he should about Oliver’s history. When Oliver discovers a portal into the author’s apartment, he is confronted by Nolan’s much younger lover, Tony, who claims they’ve been in a clandestine affair.
The superintendent, Michelle, warns Oliver that if he gets involved with Tony, he’s likely to suffer the same fate as Raymond, and others before him. But the next time Oliver sees Tony, intending to break off the affair, it’s as though Tony is meeting him for the first time.
It’s almost as if there are two worlds, and two Tony’s.
Nolan’s publisher is a money-laundering front for some Russians, who also bury illicit intelligence data in the e-book versions. They want Oliver dead. Nolan assures them he used their vial of Covid to infect his neighbor, who is at death’s door in the hospital. But then the Russian sees Oliver in the apartment, and Oliver barely escapes through the portal in time.
Tony uses the portal for a furtive fling with Oliver. But then a second Tony walks in, and Oliver has to learn to juggle this new reality, barely managing to keep the two apart.
Michelle unveils the mystery: Nolan bases his fictional characters on real-life people. Oliver is a fictionalized version of the original Oliver, and he has found a portal that lets him materialize in the real world. He’s in love with IRL Tony, while fictional Tony is a serial killer who kills his lovers—in the latest novel, Raymond—on a full moon.
IRL Tony walks out on Nolan, prompting the author to devise a hideous fictional revenge: on the next full moon, Oliver will kill Tony with sterling silver scissors. Desperate to avoid becoming a murderer himself and taking advantage of Nolan’s drunken stupor, Oliver downloads the novel, rewrites the ending, saves himself, Michelle and Tony, and gets it approved by the publisher.
Oliver visits his real-life counterpart in the hospital, an undercover CIA Agent who declares his love for Tony and hands over evidence of the Russian operation before he dies. The Russian agent who had come to finish the job follows Oliver back to the apartment, and would kill both Oliver and Nolan, except for the magic portal that enables their escape into the fictional world.
In his apartment, Oliver and Nolan discover a mob of disgruntled fictional characters who long to leave behind their histories and choose their own fate in the real world.
Can they handle reality?
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Kristina Zill.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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KZ’s Episode Descriptions
What I learned doing this assignment is… writing out the key components makes the story much clearer and also highlights what’s missing. Many of these are way too long. I will continue working on them as I move forward. This story can be confusing because of the two parallel worlds, so I’ll have to figure out how to keep it short and sweet, while still giving enough detail for clarity.
Episode 1: I, Murderer
- Hook/Intrigue: Raymond, a handsome young man, escapes into a stairwell, clutching his throat, which has been clawed. He tries to hide but he’s pushed over the banister, falling to his death in the foyer of Oliver’s building. Oliver wonders to Indigo (his therapist/tarot reader) whether he could be the murderer…
- Main Character Journey:…because he has partial amnesia, and he just found a key piece of evidence in his apartment: Raymond’s missing shoe. Oliver finds a mysterious door that leads to the apartment next door, where the attractive tenant, Tony, seems to believe that he and Oliver are clandestine lovers, hiding their love from his older partner, Nolan Harris, an author of supernatural thrillers who is renowned for his jealousy.
- Major challenge/conflict: Nolan is harangued by the Russian who owns the publishing company, which is actually a money laundering operation. Nolan has tried to get his books banned for the publicity, and the Russian has a recording of it. The Russian reminds him that he doesn’t care how many books sell, all that matters is that it appears to sell.
- When Nolan returns home, Tony shoos Oliver out, makes him promise to keep out of sight for a while.
- Cliffhanger: Michelle, the superintendent, informs Oliver that Raymond was Tony’s latest crush, and that anyone who flirts with Tony dies a gruesome death.
Description: Raymond, a handsome young hunk, is pushed to his death by an unknown assailant. Oliver, suffering from partial amnesia, confides to his therapist/tarot reader, Indigo, that he may be the murderer since he’s found a key piece of evidence in his possession: Raymond’s missing shoe.
When Detective Uhm and the superintendent, Michelle, enter his apartment to search it, Oliver escapes to the apartment next door via a secret passage. There, he encounters Tony, who seems to believe that they have been having a clandestine love affair, hiding it from Tony’s jealous older partner, Nolan…but Oliver remembers nothing of it.
On Zoom in his office, Nolan lobbies the Russian who owns a publishing company that is really a money laundering operation to take steps to increase legitimate sales of his books. The Russian mocks Nolan for trying to get his books banned to increase legitimate sales, and reminds him that it doesn’t matter how many books actually sell. Nolan emerges from his office and Tony shoos Oliver away, warning him not to let Nolan know that he’s out of the hospital.
Michelle, the superintendent, informs Oliver that Raymond was Tony’s latest crush, and that anyone who flirts with Tony dies a gruesome death…and that Oliver could suffer the same fate.
Episode 2:
- Hook/Intrigue: Oliver is wary of deepening the relationship with Tony, but when he sees Tony, it’s as if they never met. Tony seems to have no knowledge of him.
- Major Character Journey: Oliver assumes that everything Tony told him was a lie, and that he’s back to square one with discovering his true identity.
- Major Challenge/Conflict: The Russians pressure Nolan – they want to know why they haven’t seen anything about Oliver’s death in the news.
- Cliffhanger: Detective Uhm finds the shoe and accuses Oliver of murder. Michelle convinces him not to make an arrest because she’s sure that Tony planted the shoe.
Description:
Oliver decides to end the affair with Tony, but when he sees Tony, it’s as if they never met. Tony has no knowledge of him. He consults with Michelle, who describes Tony as a lying libertine with violent tendencies and advises him to steer clear.
The Russian pressures Nolan – why haven’t they heard of Oliver’s death? Nolan tells them that Oliver is intubated in the hospital with Covid, and he will surely die soon. The Russian cajoles him – poison would have been better.
Michelle tells Oliver that Nolan holds the key to his identity and she urges him to set up an interview. During the interview, Nolan tells Oliver his story. Oliver wonders who told him all of his secrets? Was it Michelle? Indigo?
Nolan poses as a religious nut who wants Nolan’s books banned because they promote homosexuality. Then he contacts the press to complain that his books have been banned.
Meanwhile, Oliver sneaks into the apartment. He finds a tarot card and thinks he knows that Indigo told Nolan his secrets.
Tony returns and Oliver hides. He overhears an argument where Tony complains that Nolan is writing about Oliver. Tony wads up some pages and storms out. Oliver grabs the pages from the wastebasket and returns home, narrowly avoiding being discovered by Nolan.
In the hallway, he keeps seeing a mysterious woman with a letter A on her black cloak.
Episode 3:
- Hook/Intrigue: The Russian sees Oliver and chases him. Oliver vanishes through the secret portal.
- Major Character Journey: The Russian confronts Nolan, tells him that he has seen Oliver alive, and accuses him of hiding him in the apartment, and begins to search it.
- Major Challenge/Conflict: The Russian takes Nolan to the hospital. He says that if Oliver is still alive, that Nolan must use poison to finish him off. They find IRL Oliver on a ventilator, but a nurse tells them to leave and assures him that Oliver is not going to make it.
- Action/Reaction: IRL Tony uses the secret passageway to enter Oliver’s apartment.
- Cliffhanger: Oliver and IRL Tony are in bed when Bad Tony comes in. Oliver keeps the two Tonys apart, but Bad Tony sees the other and runs away. IRL Tony leaves behind a book of Nolan’s and departs. Oliver reads the book.
Description:
The Russian is sitting at Nolan’s desk, quietly reading his books while waiting for Nolan to return. Oliver enters the apartment, and is seen by the Russian. Oliver manages to use the secret passageway without it being discovered. Nolan and Tony return to find the Russian tossing the apartment, looking for Oliver. The Russian forces Nolan to accompany him to the hospital to prove that Oliver is still there. They don protective gear and enter as though they are nurses. IRL Oliver is indeed on a ventilator. The Russian hands Nolan poison and instructs him to use it, but a nurse enters and tells them they have to leave. She assures them IRL Oliver is not going to make it.
The Russian cajoles Nolan that his books lack realism – it’s clear he never committed a murder. And he points to a review by a blogger who says the same thing. He gives Nolan a line to include in his book and says he needs to finish it in a week.
Back at the apartment, IRL Tony uses the secret passageway to enter Oliver’s apartment. The two wind up in bed, but then Bad Tony comes in. Oliver keeps the two Tonys apart, but Bad Tony sees the other and runs away. IRL Tony leaving behind a copy of Nolan’s latest book, and returns home just before Nolan does. Oliver begins to read about the fictionalized Tony, discovering that he’s the product of a one-night-stand between a human woman and a werewolf… and that on full moons, he becomes a serial killer.
Episode 5:
- Hook/Intrigue: (Major Character Journey:) Oliver leaves by his apartment door, but the hallway quickly devolves into barely imagined drawings, and then nothingness. Michelle calls Oliver back to his apartment. She fixes Oliver a drink and explains that Nolan didn’t imagine unused areas. She tells him that they’re all fictional characters based on real people.
- Major Challenge/Conflict: Oliver confronts Nolan
- Action/Reaction: IRL Tony leaves.
- Cliffhanger: Nolan gets revenge against IRL Tony by writing a new ending: Oliver will be made to kill Tony.
Description:
After an argument with Michelle, Oliver discovers the limits of his world when the hallway turns into a rough sketch, and the doorway at the end of the hall opens out into white nothingness. Michelle explains that although they’re based on real people, they’re all inventions of Nolan’s.
IRL Tony and Nolan argue. IRL Tony uses the portal to join Oliver. Nolan searches and discovers the portal.
Oliver tries to tell IRL Tony the truth of their situation, but they have to hide while Nolan snoops around Oliver’s apartment.
IRL Tony escapes back through the portal. Oliver confronts Nolan and tells him that he and Tony are in love. Nolan laughs and says that Oliver is his creation and will do whatever he dictates, including killing Tony. Nolan seals up the portal so that Oliver is stuck in the fictional world with the fictional Tony, who is growing increasingly erratic as the full moon nears.
Episode 6:
- Hook/Intrigue: Oliver gets a tarot reading from Indigo. She denies being a fictional character.
- Major Character Journey:
- Major Challenge/Conflict: Oliver breaks into Nolan’s apartment. Tony is gone, Nolan is dead drunk.
- Action/Reaction: Oliver steals the usb drive
- Cliffhanger: Oliver opens the file and tries to make changes, but doesn’t know how to write.
Description:
Indigo reads Oliver’s tarot, but denies being a fictional character. Oliver breaks through the portal. Nolan is dead drunk, depressed because the real Tony left him. Oliver steals the USB drive. He opens the file and tries to make changes, but doesn’t know how to write, so he goes farther back in the story to give himself that talent.
Episode 8:
- Hook/Intrigue: It’s a full moon, and Tony is coming for Oliver
- Major Character Journey: Oliver takes control of the narrative
- Major Challenge/Conflict: Tony is coming to kill Oliver
- Action/Reaction: Oliver lifts passages from Nolan’s previous novels, rewrites the ending.
- Cliffhanger: Tony goes on a killing spree, which Oliver reverses.
Description:
It’s a race against time as Oliver tries to change key parts of the manuscript before having to either kill Tony, or be killed. Tony kills Michelle, twice, and Oliver reverses it each time. He is about to be killed himself when he kisses Tony, transferring a mouthful of colloidal silver, which affects Tony’s werewolf nature and temporarily neutralizes him.
Episode 9:
- Hook/Intrigue: Oliver visits IRL Oliver in the hospital
- Major Character Journey: dying IRL Oliver gives him proof of Nolan’s espionage activities
- Major Challenge/Conflict: The Russian sees Oliver, pursues him
- Action/Reaction: Oliver flees back to the fictional world. Nolan follows him to get away from the Russian.
- Cliffhanger: Oliver hides the incriminating evidence and discovers the identity of the mysterious woman: it’s Hester Prynne, from The Scarlet Letter, and he realizes that fictional characters from other stories are invading his world.
Description:
In the hospital, Oliver visits his dying IRL counterpart. IRL Oliver confesses that he is, in fact, a CIA Agent who was spying on Nolan, and accidentally fell in love with IRL Tony. He gives Oliver proof of Nolan’s espionage activities. Leaving the hospital, Oliver is spotted by the Russian, who pursues him. Oliver flees back to the fictional world, and at the last moment, allows Nolan inside to keep him from being assassinated by the Russian. The woman with the Scarlet Letter is there, and Nolan recognizes Hester Prynne from The Scarlet Letter. She hints that more fictional characters will be joining them, in an effort to free themselves from their stories.
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KZ’s Episode List Rough Draft
What I learned doing this assignment is: to let go of knowing all the answers and get something down on paper that can be modified later.
5. Major Story Lines
- Raymond is murdered, seemingly by a large beast
- Oliver seeks to solve his amnesia with Tarot sessions
- Detective Uhm investigates Raymond’s murder
- Michelle wants Tony to go after Oliver instead of the Detective
- IRL Nolan is jealous of IRL Tony’s flirts
- Tony kills on the full moon
- IRL Detective investigates IRL Oliver’s disappearance
- Oliver falls in love with Tony
- Oliver wants to save Tony
- Oliver has a love affair with IRL Tony
- Counter-intelligence investigates Nolan
- Nolan creates stunts to boost his books’ popularity
- Oliver moves between the fictional and real worlds
- Other characters want to break free of their stories
LIST OF EPISODES
Episode 1: Oliver and the murder
- Raymond is murdered, seemingly by a large beast
- Oliver has amnesia, seeks to recover his identity through Tarot sessions
- Meets IRL Tony next door who thinks they’re involved
- IRL Detective looking into IRL Oliver’s disappearance
- Oliver believes he himself might be responsible for killing Raymond
- Hides a piece of evidence that implicates him
Episode 2: Michelle connives
- Fictional Tony denies ever meeting him.
- Michelle sets up an interview with Nolan.
- Nolan crushes Oliver in the interview, seems to know his story.
- Oliver wonders who told Nolan his secrets
- Fictional detective finds the evidence, accuses Oliver of murder
- Michelle tries to pin it on Tony
Episode 3: Nolan and the Russians
- Nolan tries extreme measures to increase the sales of his books, which angers the Russians, who prefer a low profile
- IRL Detective looking into poisoning of IRL Oliver, stops by to inquire about the Oliver double, while Oliver hides from view
- Oliver encounters people loitering about
- Fictional Tony gives him the cold shoulder
- Oliver confronts Michelle, who tells him about the 2 worlds
Episode 4: Oliver finds out he’s fictional
- Oliver experiments with passing between the 2 worlds
- As Nolan writes Oliver into the story, he is more and more constrained
- Nolan talks to a new publisher
- Nolan is taken to task by a blogger for writing unrealistically
Episode 5:
- To increase sales of his books, Nolan starts a rumor that he kills people in real life to write more realistically
Episode 6:
- IRL Tony breaks up with Oliver (for acting so strangely)
Episode 7: Oliver confronts Nolan
- IRL Tony walks out on Nolan.
- Oliver confronts Nolan, who is determined that Oliver will kill Tony with the sterling silver scissors.
- Oliver breaks into Nolan’s apartment and transfers the novel onto USB
Episode 8: Oliver subdues Tony without killing him
- Tony kills Michelle
- He comes after Oliver, who deletes the ending of the story
- Michelle is revived
- Oliver locks Tony up
- Oliver submits the new novel to the new publisher, who accepts it.
Episode 9: IRL Oliver gives him the evidence
- Oliver visits IRL Oliver, who is dying in the hospital
- IRL gives him evidence that incriminates Nolan in an espionage plot. (The cryptogram for secret messages in Nolan’s novels)
- Now the FBI and the Russian mob are after him.
- Oliver escapes back into the fictional world, where he is safe from them.
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KZ’s Five Seasons
What I learned doing this assignment… is that by filling in the blanks with placeholders, you start brainstorming creative solutions you didn’t know existed in your bag of tricks.
SEASON 1: WHO KILLED RAYMOND?
After becoming the target of a murder investigation, there is new urgency for Oliver to fill in his memory’s blank spots. Oliver suspects that he himself may be guilty. Some evidence points to Nolan Harris, a best-selling author of supernatural thrillers, who becomes insanely jealous of anyone who flirts with Tony, his much younger boyfriend.
- Will Oliver suffer Raymond’s fate now that he’s fallen in love, and tries to free Tony from Nolan’s jealous rages?
- Why is Michelle, the Superintendent, working so hard to implicate Tony in the murder?
- Is there some truth to the rumors on the literary blogosphere that Nolan killed Raymond so that he could write about death more realistically?
- Who is the mysterious character who seems to be stalking Oliver?
Oliver catches Tony in a series of lies, which are baffling until he cracks the mystery: there are two universes. The one he lives in as a fictional character, and the other inhabited by the real people Nolan based his characters on. In Nolan’s books, Tony is part werewolf, so that on a full moon, he becomes a serial killer. Tony kills Michelle. Just as Tony is about to murder again, Oliver deletes parts of the manuscript, and then rewrites the ending, saving himself and Tony and reviving Michelle. In the real world, Oliver’s counterpart dies, and Tony walks out. Nolan’s agent accepts the re-written manuscript. Nolan Harris is taken into custody for Raymond’s murder, placing the future of his fictional characters in jeopardy.
SEASON 2: MUTINY ON THE BLANK PAGE
Nolan is free while his case moves to trial. Sales of his books go up because people believe that he really did murder someone, and so his credibility has increased. Nolan’s agent urges him to create a new character, so he does: a female ___________, who terrorizes the other fictional characters.
- Some characters recognize that they are fictional, but others refuse to believe it.
- Some blame Oliver for rocking the boat, rather than living out the script he was handed.
- Some characters want Nolan, the dictator, in charge of their lives once more.
Tony returns. Nolan tries to take back power, both from his creations, and from the real-life people, like the literary blogger, who are creating obstacles.
In the fictional world, the new supernatural character is defeated, but now Nolan has a new problem: he’s left without an idea and his publisher is eager to capitalize on the demand for his work.
When real-life Tony leaves again, Nolan turns to his old tricks of getting revenge through his writing. The season ends with fictional Tony killing another character, and Nolan locking up the manuscript so that Oliver and company can’t reverse the novel’s plot. The book is published and Oliver and company have to live with what has been written.
SEASON 3: LITERARY APPROPRIATION
Nolan’s novel is selling well until a purist blogger claims that, just as no fiction writer is allowed to engage in cultural appropriation, no one can write supernatural creatures because they don’t really exist. Nolan tries to get his own book banned to increase sales, but he’s caught in the act, and it backfires.
Nolan realizes that he’s going to have to arrange a werewolf-like killing because only that will satisfy the purists. He manipulates Oliver into allowing the fictional Tony to slip into the real world.
Nolan turns Tony onto the characters who are mutinying. The fictional characters are still dependent on real people writing the stories. They recruit people who write fan fiction to give them sidebars they want.
Although the fictional characters detest their creator, they realize that if he’s convicted of murder, it will be bad for them, so they have to figure out how to get rid of the evidence that implicates Nolan in Raymond’s murder. They devise a technique to move into the real world when people carry a book featuring one of their characters into the room.
SEASON 4: KILL ALL YOUR DARLINGS
Oliver figures out how to put his work out into the real world under his own name, without Nolan’s help. He tries to get published; other characters (maybe a new nemesis?) try to prevent it.
A character from another novel invades their space, and then another, and another. They all want to be given their freedom in Oliver’s novel, but the plot is becoming confused. Oliver has to “kill all his darlings” to create something sellable.
SEASON 5: WAR OF THE WORLDS
Fictional characters go to war with real-life people. Oliver has to figure out a way to get a final novel into print featuring all the characters who want to be saved. He starts out with the best of intentions, but in order to make the novel a good read, he has to put his characters through hell. So he winds up being just as much of a cruel god as Nolan was. Oliver figures out how to live in the real world and have a relationship with the real Tony. He puts all the fictional characters back into the books and gets a publishing deal as Nolan dies.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Kristina Zill.
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KZ’s Character Descriptions
What I learned doing this assignment is…how to turn character bullet points into a binge-worthy description, full of intrigue.
OLIVER: Oliver wakes up in his apartment to find he is suffering from amnesia. He remembers some parts of his life and draws a total blank on others. He sets about trying to find clues to his identity, and in doing so, meets and falls for Tony, a young man in a relationship with Oliver’s much older, abusive and controlling neighbor, Nolan, who also happens to be a best-selling author of supernatural thrillers.
Oliver becomes a suspect in the murder of Raymond, a young man who had flirted with Tony. Now Oliver risks the jealous wrath of Nolan, and risks enduring the same fate as Raymond. Liberating Tony and living freely with him becomes Oliver’s obsessive goal. But as Oliver uncovers more clues about his identity, it looks like he himself may be the one who killed Raymond.
NOLAN: Nolan is a best-selling author of supernatural thrillers, who fears his best days are behind him. His publisher has rejected his latest novel because the formula is stale. His lover, Tony, is half his age and inflames Nolan’s jealousy through unexplained disappearances and flirtations with younger men.
Nolan bases his fictional characters on real-life people, changing just enough details that he prevails in defamation suits, but the latest accusation is that he actually killed Raymond, who was flirting with Tony, and it’s suspected that he did so for revenge, but also to be able to write convincingly about death. As he is investigated, he incorporates the detective into his new story.
TONY: Tony is a beguiling trickster, who wants to be free of Nolan’s oppressive jealousy, but he also needs the ego strokes that come with being the inspiration for the lead character in his lover’s novels. He’s used to men falling in love with him, and he uses them to taunt Nolan. But now one of his lovers is dead, and the other is in the hospital, and he just started a thing with Oliver. He himself isn’t sure if he’s really in love with Oliver, or is he just using him, but it sure feels like the real thing.
MICHELLE: Michelle had a romance with Nolan before she transitioned. When she was Michael, her fictional counterpart was the lead in Nolan’s novels. Now he uses her as the butt of jokes. Her recent lawsuit against Nolan was dismissed since she had signed an N.D.A., at the time enjoying how he was portraying her. Since she dared to bring a suit against him, she fears what he will do to her in the fictional world – perhaps killing her in a gruesome way.
She has a crush on the detective investigating Raymond’s death. Nothing would make her happier than if Detective Uhm found either Nolan or Tony (or both) guilty of the murder, and she does everything she can to make that happen.
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KZ’s Intriguing Concept and World
What I learned doing this assignment is that I was slowing down because I wanted to think it through until it was just right, and that I needed to just fill in the blanks with the idea of coming back to it later.
1. Concept
A. Amnesiac CIA Agent accused of murder…
B. …discovers he’s a fictional character…
C. …who, before he is made to commit unspeakable acts, must wrest control of his story from his creator…
D. …at the intersection of the real and fictional worlds.
2. The World of this Show
- Unique sub-world: Fictional characters living parallel existences to their real counterparts
- Previously unexplored: A world where it’s possible to rewrite your story
- The Unknown: Who will get killed off next by the cruel creator
- The Unseen: The machinations of real-life characters
- Unheard of Dangers: Characters at the mercy of the creator’s mood swings
- Reason to explore it: To stop being a puppet on a string, to save his true love
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KZ has completed the BW Framework!
What I learned doing this assignment…is that pulling all the ideas from the disparate lessons into one chart helps assess the strength of the story at a glance, and makes it very easy to elevate the quality in all areas: raise the stakes, deepen the mystery, ramp up the intrigue, etc.
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KZ’s Creating Irony!
What I learned doing this assignment: it had never occurred to me before to deliberately brainstorm irony. It had often happened organically in my writing, but I never set out to find it. So this was most helpful, and a technique that I know I will use from now on.
I titled the page in my notebook: 20 Bad Irony Ideas… but most of them weren’t bad at all. Some were random, some applied to other scripts of mine, and a few suggested possible plot developments in MURDER MY DARLINGS.
• Detective Uhm: The Detective who hasn’t got a clue (the anti-Columbo)
• Tony: A werewolf who’s afraid of little dogs
• Nolan: The author who tries to get his own book banned as an attention-grabbing stunt
• Oliver: The amnesia victim who has a jingle stuck in his head (he’s forgotten so much, but this annoying tune won’t leave him alone)
• Indigo: The aggressive, blunt tarot card reader who reads bad news into everything
(Looking at this list, I realize that what I focused on was Character Irony. As we proceed, I’ll try to find some Situational Irony as well.)
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KZ’s Wordsmithing!
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn any of my ideas into salable scripts, and work with producers to get them made.
What I learned from doing this assignment is… that searching for individual words helped me to zip through the descriptions and improve them without getting caught up in re-reading the script.
The verb I most needed to replace was “to look,” though it wasn’t painfully overused: only about 10 transgressions.
In a scene where my leads play poker, it was a perfect moment for Wendy to “peek” at her cards.
The meditation teacher “surveys” the room.
I also tend to have characters turn. In several cases, I simply reordered the sentence so that they didn’t have to turn before speaking.
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KZ’s Plot and Character Layers
What I learned doing this assignment is that serial television allows for an entire world to unfold, and that adding multiple layers of intrigue creates plot opportunities.
Assignment #2: MURDER MY DARLINGS
PLOT LAYERS – Story beneath the storyline
Major scheme revealed:
Michelle is trying to set Oliver up to be murdered in the place of the Detective
Mystery revealed:
The murders seem to have been committed by a beast. It turns out to be a result of Tony’s parentage.
Thought the story was one thing, but it is another:
A straightforward murder mystery is happening on two levels, with real people and with Nolan’s creations in his supernatural thrillers
Major shift in Meaning:
Once Oliver realizes what’s at stake, he gets to work trying to rewrite the narrative
Hidden history:
Nolan killed someone so that he could write realistically about murder
Hidden plan:
Michelle seems like she’s trying to protect Oliver, but in fact she’s trying to bring him to Nolan’s attention so that she can save the Detective for herself.
Major betrayal
Oliver knows someone has been feeding Nolan his secret history. He feels it could be Tony, Michelle or Indigo.
CHARACTER LAYERS – Identity beneath the identity
Secret identity:
Oliver has amnesia and is trying to find out who he is.
Character intrigue:
Tony discovers proof that Nolan has written about Oliver, and he’s jealous
Hidden relationships and conspiracies:
Michelle tries to turn Oliver against Tony.
Hidden character history:
Oliver discovers that Michelle had a relationship with Nolan and suspects that she’s jealous.
3. Organize them into a possible sequence of reveals
Plot Surface:
A writer of supernatural thrillers who avenges his grievances against people by putting them in his novels and making them do awful things.
Layer 1:
He had people sign releases when they were vulnerable and needy so that he could do whatever he wanted with them in fiction with impunity.
Layer 2
Increasingly, he needs to experience things in real life to write convincingly in fiction
Layer 3
A Detective is investigating a murder in the building.
Layer 4
Nolan is insanely jealous of Tony
Character Surface: MICHELLE
Michelle is the nosy superintendent of the building into everyone’s business
Layer 1: Hidden Agenda
She wants to derail the plot that Nolan intends, which is that Tony will become involved with the detective and then kill him.
Layer 2: Hidden Character History
Michelle was involved with Nolan when she was Michael, before she transitioned to a woman
Layer 3: Secret identity
She knows the truth about the two worlds
Layer 4: Wound
Nolan lost interest in her when she became a woman
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KZ’s Big Picture Open Loops
What I learned doing this assignment is… how to design Open Loops into the story for maximum obsession.
Assignment #1: THE 100
Big Picture Open Loops:
• Will the juvenile delinquents survive on Earth? Is the Earth inhabitable, or is it still contaminated with radiation?
• Will the management on The Ark figure out that the juvenile delinquents (who were sent down to a possibly radioactive Earth) are still alive?
• If residents of The Ark come to Earth, will they mete out punishment to Bellamy and others who disobeyed?
• Will Clarke and Finn have a romantic relationship, now that Raven has come down to Earth?
• Will the Mountain People hurt or kill more of The Ark’s delegates?
• Will more people die on The Ark before they venture toward Earth?
• Will Abby prevail over her enemies?
• Will Abby and Clarke mend their relationship now that Clarke knows it was her mother who informed on her father and caused him to be “floated.”
Assignment #2: MURDER MY DARLINGS
Tell us your top 5 to 8 Big Picture Open Loops that could be in your pilot:
• Who killed Raymond?
• Does Nolan kill people to be able to write his sequences realistically?
• Why is Michelle tampering with evidence?
• Will Oliver get caught breaking into Nolan’s apartment?
• Will Nolan find out that Oliver has a way in to his place?
• Will Nolan find out that Oliver is pursuing Tony?
• Will Oliver suffer the same fate as others who have pursued Tony?
• What are the meetings of their “pod” that Tony and Nolan attend?
• Why does Tony deny things that Oliver has seen with his own eyes?
• Why does Michelle keep putting Oliver in Nolan’s way?
• Why does Oliver remember things after his interview with Nolan?
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Assignment #2:
KZ’s show MURDER MY DARLINGS Mysteries
What I learned doing this assignment is… a new way of working, where I proceed “as if” and allow the answers to morph over time, rather than trying to figure everything out ahead of time.
1. Create your shocking event mystery and tell us the WWWWW and H, along with the part withheld:
A. Shocking Event: Murder of Raymond
B. Secret: Tony killed him
C. Investigation:
- Detective asking questions
- Michelle urges Oliver in another direction
- Who: Anyone who flirts with Tony dies
- What: Raymond is murdered
- When: During the pandemic lockdown in NYC
- Where: In the apartment building – with two separate apartments joined by a balcony
- Why: Fictional characters doing whatever their creator makes them do
- and How: It seems to be that Nolan’s novels appeal to the characters’ narcissism, but they’re trying to stay alive.
Parts Withheld:
- Why: They’re fictional characters doing whatever their creators make them do
- Secret: Tony is the murderer
2. Create the Over Time Mystery and tell us the WWWWW and H, along with the part withheld.
The Over Time Mystery has to do with Oliver’s amnesia. Who is he? Is he the murderer?
A. Cover up: Nolan is pulling the strings
B. Secret: Oliver’s “memory” returns as Nolan fleshes out that character… meaning it was never amnesia, but a character in the process of being created.
C. Reveals:
- Who: Oliver’s true identity
- What: The nature of his amnesia
- When: When did the real Oliver appear on Nolan’s radar?
- Where: In Nolan’s novels
- Why: Nolan gets revenge on people who have harmed him, seals in the narrative as he sees it, keeps Tony in line by threatening to cut him off
- How: Nolan interviews real people and creates fictional characters from them
Parts withheld: A and B – the cover up and the secret
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KZ’s Empathy / Distress for my own show, MURDER MY DARLINGS
What I learned doing this assignment is…a new technique for adding depth to the characters’ actions.
“Knowing the concept, what are the big picture Empathy / Distress situations that could occur?”
A. Undeserved Misfortune
- Oliver has amnesia caused by Covid, and everyone seems to know more about him than he does
B. External Character Conflicts
Intentional:
- Tony and Michelle want each other dead.
- Tony’s recent crush turned up dead and a detective is investigating
- Michelle wants the detective for herself, tries to throw Oliver under the bus.
- Nolan is insanely jealous of anyone who flirts with Tony
Unintentional:
- Oliver has fallen in love with Tony, not sure if the feeling is returned
C. Plot Intruding on Life
- Oliver is trying to make inroads with Tony when he becomes a suspect in Raymond’s murder.
D. Moral Dilemma
- Should Oliver force the issue and let Nolan know that he’s involved with Tony, possibly leading to his own or Tony’s death? Or allow Tony to proceed on his own time, which means it will never come to pass?
- Should Oliver hide evidence that Tony was the killer, even if it means he becomes a suspect himself?
E. Forced Decisions They’d Never Make
- Oliver hides evidence that implicates Tony in the killing.
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KZ’s Show Relationship Map
What I learned doing this assignment is…I feel like this technique could yield much more, so I plan to circle back to it later and see if my answers are still the same.
Assignment #1 – No time this week.
Assignment #2 MURDER MY DARLINGS
Create a relationship map for three lead characters from your show idea.
OLIVER & TONY
Surface: Crush
Common Ground: Artistic, both living off of older men
Conflict: Oliver wants Tony to leave Nolan; Tony is afraid to leave.
History:
Subtext: I love you more than you love me.
Relationship Arc: From crush to true love.
OLIVER & NOLAN
Surface: Love triangle competitor
Common Ground: Both love Tony
Conflict: Nolan won’t let Tony go
History: Creation / Creator
Subtext: I’m doing what I want / You will do what I say
Relationship Arc: Control to freedom
OLIVER & MICHELLE
Surface: Tenant / Nosy superintendent
Common Ground: Both want to live good lives
Conflict: Michelle puts Oliver in harm’s way to protect her own interests
History:
Subtext: Michelle has the key to Oliver’s problems, but won’t tell him.
Rel. Arc: Adversary to Ally
TONY & NOLAN
Surface: Lover / Benefactor
Common Ground: Both love to fight
Conflict: Tony wants to be free to love who he chooses
History: Nolan kills off Tony’s crushes in fiction
Subtext: You can’t control me / Yes I can, I own you
Rel Arc: Nolan controlling to Tony in controlling
TONY & MICHELLE
Surface: Sexual involvement with Nolan
Common ground: Both like being famous via Nolan’s books
Conflict: Compete for fame
History: Competition /
Subtext: They want each other dead.
Rel Arc: Co-exist to Fight to the death
NOLAN & TONY
Surface: Lovers
Common ground: Nolan celebrates Tony, who craves notoriety
Conflict: Jealousy
History: Tony’s crushes turn up dead
Subtext: You have to do what I say
Rel Arc: Lover to Destroyer
NOLAN & MICHELLE
Surface: Ex-Lovers
Common Ground: Both want to control Tony
Conflict: The method of control of Tony
History: Used to be involved, now Nolan humiliates Michelle in his books
Subtext: I can use your desire for fame to torture you.
Rel. Arc: Oppression to Freedom
NOLAN & OLIVER
Surface: Next door neighbors
Common Ground: Both love Tony
Conflict: Both love Tony
History: Nolan holds the key to Oliver’s amnesia
Subtext: I can kill you.
Rel Arc. Oppressor to Oppressed
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KZ’s Elevated Dialogue
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can win contests and become known as the go-to script fixer, and work with producers to get movies made from my screenplays.
What I learned doing this assignment…is that my characters were pretty distinct in their dialogue. There were a couple of things I changed:
Where Wendy’s boss finds out that she and Darwin are in the same meditation class.
Chuck:
No more conversation with him, you hear?
Wendy (original reply – cliché)
Loud and clear.
Wendy (new reply)
The only thing I’ll say to him is, “How low will you go?”
Where Wendy tells her assistant, Jason, to buy her some size 10 yoga shoes.
Jason
Ten? Who was your daddy, a platypus?
Wendy
I have long toes. So did Caesar.
And this one, changes the relationship between Jody and Wendy a bit. I originally had Jody saying her last line out loud to Wendy. Now she mutters it to the Underlings, not strong enough to say it out loud:
INT. SUPERIAN OFFICE – ELEVATOR – LATER
Jody has changed back into her street clothes, and is chatting with the Underlings. Just before the elevator door closes, Wendy catches it, enters.
WENDY
Where you guys headed?
The others share a look. They don’t want her to come.
JODY
Drinks. But I know you. You’re gonna wanta rest up for the big day tomorrow.
WENDY
Actually, I have plans.
JODY
No you don’t.
WENDY
I do. I have a date.
The door opens. Wendy exits first and walks away, with purpose, as always. Jody mutters under her breath.
JODY
Poor guy. Try not to bite his head off.
The Underlings snicker their approval.
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KZ’s Elevated Interest
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can win contests, and work with producers to get my scripts made into movies.
What I learned from doing this assignment is…how to brainstorm more interesting scenes. However, I’m drawing a blank on some of the scenes with secondary characters, so I’m going to brainstorm the characters a bit more to get some ideas.
Key scenes:
Scene 2: Opening, Lead character introductions
A. More interesting setting / C. Suspense
Rather than having the characters practicing low-stakes negotiations, I moved it to an apparent bank hold-up, where Wendy is negotiating with a Gunman for her life.
Scene 3: C. Internal dilemma
Posed the thematic question of the movie: Is is possible to have a win/win situation, or does somebody always have to lose?
Scene 51: A. More interesting setting
As Mrs. Ghosh guides Wendy through a meditation, I changed the scene so that we hear Mrs. G’s voice O.S., while on screen, we see Wendy’s imaginative interpretations of the words.
Scene 69: Dream Negotiation PP2
Suspense / Uncertainty – Chuck tries to get the low number out of Wendy, but she chooses Darwin and love instead.
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KZ’s Character Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment…is that putting in time to analyze what makes a character tick will pay off with a thorough understanding of who a character is.
Assignment #1: THE 100
Character: Abby
A. Situational: Hope/Fear
Hope her daughter is alive / Fears that she is dead
B. Motivation: Want/Need
Wants to do things for the good of all / Needs to act unilaterally based on her idea of right
C. Mask. Base negative emotion / public mask
Base emotion: self-righteous maverick Public mask: Team player
D. Weaknesses
Powerless to put forth her agenda? Impulsive?
E. Triggers
Her daughter in danger
F. Coping Mechanism
Covert action
Character: Bellamy
A. Situational: Hope/Fear
Hopes to survive – Fears the Ark inhabitants’ retribution
B. Motivation: Want/Need
Wants to protect his sister / Needs to be in control
C. Mask: Base negative emotion/public mask
Self-preserving / public mask: leader
D. Weaknesses
Doesn’t understand the difference between power and leadership
E. Triggers
Threats to his sister / Threats to himself
F. Coping Mechanism
Rash actions
Character: The Chancellor
A. Situational: Hope / Fear
Hopes his son is alive / Fears that he is not
B: Motivation: Want/Need
Wants: to preserve order on the ship Needs: to be honorable
C: Mask
Base negative emotion: Coward? (That’s what Abby called him)
Public mask: Impartial Judge
D: Weaknesses
Self-doubt
E. Triggers
Wound: He has had to order the death of others, including Abby’s husband – his best friend.
F: Coping Mechanism
Looks for the moment when he can call it quits
Character: Clarke
A. Situational: Hope / Fear
Hopes she and the others will survive on Earth / Fears that they will die
B: Motivation: Want/ Need
Wants: to save others / Needs: to live her life
C: Mask
Base negative emotion: Doesn’t like restraints
Public Mask: Team player
D: Weaknesses
Rushes to judgment
E: Triggers
Injustice
F: Coping Mechanism
Loses her temper, confrontational
Assignment #2
Characters on my show, MURDER MY DARLINGS
Character: NOLAN
A. Situational: Hope / Fear
Hopes he will hold on to Tony / Fears he will be abandoned
B: Motivation: Want/ Need
Wants: To be a famous author / Needs: To be loved
C: Mask
Base negative emotion: Jealousy
Public Mask: Roué, Cynic
D: Weaknesses
Insecure
E: Triggers
Anyone flirting with Tony
F: Coping Mechanism
Uses his pen to take revenge
Character: TONY
A. Situational: Hope / Fear
Hopes to live his life / Fears having to do what Nolan says
B: Motivation: Want/ Need
Wants: to be free / Needs: to be told what to do
C: Mask
Base negative emotion: Insecure
Public Mask: Bon Vivant
D: Weaknesses
Wants to be taken care of, fears poverty
E: Triggers
Anyone telling him what to do
F: Coping Mechanism
Runs away, rebels, does the opposite
Character: OLIVER
A. Situational: Hope / Fear
Hopes to find out who he is / Fears he is someone awful, maybe even a murderer
B: Motivation: Want/ Need
Wants: to be with Tony / Needs: to be admired
C: Mask
Base negative emotion: Fears abandonment
Public Mask:
D: Weaknesses
Vain
E: Triggers
Injustice
F: Coping Mechanism
Character: MICHELLE
A. Situational: Hope / Fear
Hopes she will remain alive / Fears Nolan will kill her off in his next novel
B: Motivation: Want/ Need
Wants: to be with the Detective / Needs: to be free
C: Mask
Base negative emotion: Afraid
Public Mask: Nosy neighbor
D: Weaknesses
Gossipy, but worries what others are saying about her
E: Triggers
Threats to her life
F: Coping Mechanism
Sets herself up for success, sets others up for failure
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KZ’s Intriguing Character Layers
What I learned doing this assignment is… how to build intrigue into characters from the start.
Assignment 2: Find the intrigue in my Inner Circle characters.
CHARACTER NAME: NOLAN
Role: Uber Villain
Hidden Agendas: get revenge against people in his life by putting them in his novels
Competition: He competes with all of Tony’s boyfriends.
Secrets: He fears he’s not a good enough writer
Deception: He tells the agent the novel is almost finished, when it’s not
Wound: He used to be an attractive man. Now he’s getting older and is becoming overbearing and jealous in his relationship with a younger man.
Secret Identity: The creator of the fictional world.
CHARACTER NAME: TONY
Role: Victim of Nolan’s abuse, has to do whatever Nolan says
Hidden Agenda: to break free of Nolan’s plot
Competition: He competes with Michelle, who used to be in a relationship with Nolan before she changed sex.
Secrets: He has an affair with Oliver
Deception: He wants to be number one in Nolan’s novels and not have to share the spotlight
Wound: He wanted to be an actor but didn’t have the talent, so now he’s dependent on Nolan.
Secret Identity: In the book, Tony is the murderer.
CHARACTER NAME: OLIVER
Role: Outsider disrupter the current world
Hidden Agenda: To free Tony and have him all for himself.
Competition: love triangle with Nolan
Secrets: He tries to hide the blank spots in his mind, fears he’s getting dementia
Deception: He also wants to gain a spot in the novel
Wound: His father left the family, so he had relied on rich older men rather than risking a broken heart.
Secret Identity: He’s the fictional counterpart of the real Oliver, who’s in the hospital with Covid.
CHARACTER NAME: MICHELLE
Role: Catalyst
Hidden Agenda: Wants Oliver to get involved with Tony so that the Detective (the intended victim) will be spared. As the story progresses, she changes her goal: she wants Oliver to kill Tony so that she will be spared.
Competition: She competes with Tony for prominence in the story, tries to get him killed so that she stays alive.
Secrets: She knows about the parallel world of the real-life role models
Deception: She pretends to do things for Oliver’s benefit
Wound: When she transitioned from Michael to Michelle, Nolan dropped her.
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KZ’s Intriguing Character Layers
What I learned doing this assignment is… how labeling intrigue makes it intentional, not accidental, as you’re designing your show.
Assignment 1
How character intrigue is being used to create the need to see more episodes:
Deception: Clarke makes her mother believe she’s been terminated by removing her transmission bracelet.
Secrets: Abby turned her own husband in to protect the others, but hid that fact from Clarke.
Wound: Jasper is more cautious after the attack.
Wound? Kane doesn’t want to be inoculated. Is he afraid?
Secrets: The little girl killed Wells.
Competition: Clarke is doing the same thing her father did “The people have a right to know.” Competing with Bellamy about how to manage the colony.
Deception: Murphy is strung up for Wells’s death – because of the little girl’s secret.
Competition? Clarke and Finn escape with the girl to keep her out of Murphy’s hands.
Deception: Nigelle snitches on Abby, tells Kane about the pressure regulator
Wound? Kane’s background – his mother is a preacher.
Wound: Clarke winds up in the same position as her mother: information is dangerous, the people can’t be trusted with it
Deception: Nigelle gave them a faulty part.
Hidden Agendas: Abby is working to send a pod down to earth. She bribes Nigelle for a pressure regulator by giving her morphine.
Competition being set up: Clarke and Finn get together. His girlfriend, Raven, is on the way down to earth in a pod.
Questions posed that make you want to watch the next episode:
How will Abby be saved this time? (because we know she won’t be floated. My guess is that Raven will transmit back just in time, and they’ll realize that Abby was right to repair and send down the pod.)
Now that Raven is arriving soon, and Clarke and Finn just made love, what will become of this love triangle?
Will Nigelle be punished for her deception?
Bigger Question: What will happen to the young criminals once everyone from the Ark lands on Earth?
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KZ’s Elevated Emotion!
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can win contests, and work with producers to get my movies made.
What I learned from doing this assignment is… how to intentionally increase emotional moments
Scene 2 Essence – Wendy learns negotiation techniques at a school
How intensified: Potential for violence, talking her way out of it. She fails, experiences violence.
We don’t realize until the next scene that the scene is a training simulation.
Scene 8 Essence – Wendy and Darwin fall in love over a game of strip poker
How intensified: Love received
They have found their soul mates and there seems to be nothing that will keep them apart.
Scene 13 Essence – While Darwin succeeds at the exercise, he has failed to prevent his own father’s suicide.
How intensified: Irony – Success mixed with tragedy
During a training exercise, Darwin tells Wendy that his father considered suicide the year before. At the end, he has to leave in haste because he just got word that his father did kill himself.
Scene 35 Essence – Myra leads a “loving kindness” meditation directed at one’s childhood self, and Wendy feels compassion for the little girl that she was.
How intensified: Character Experiencing Distress
As Wendy remembers her past during the guided meditation, we see images from her past and gain understanding for how she got the way she is.
Scene 44 Essence: The Warners’ biological daughter shows up and reveals where Wendy really stands with them.
How intensified: Humiliation
Wendy is like the guard dog who was chained in the backyard, and never allowed in the house. She is the Warners’ pit bull whom they have taught to win at all cost.
Scene 49 Essence – Darwin and Wendy face off in negotiation
How intensified: Humiliation
Both use opposition research on the other in order to prevail.
Scene 62 Essence – Darwin and Wendy finally trust one another and—thinking that they will not be able to escape Nirvana—make love.
How intensified: Love received plus Irony: They can only be honest and vulnerable when they think they’re going to die.
Scene 78 Essence – Darwin is finally released from his mother’s emotional blackmail
How intensified: Experiencing Distress
When Darwin and Wendy arrive at the house, he can’t find his mother, and is convinced—irrationally—that she has killed herself. This is aggravated when Wendy finds a note for him, and he can hardly read it through his tears, so certain that she has done herself in.
In fact, Mrs. Ghosh is informing Darwin that she and Gary are taking a cruise, that she put it on the credit card he gave her for emergencies, and that she’ll call him in a few days.
She tells him to have fun and to live his life.
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KZ’s Dramatic Reveals!
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can win contests, and work with producers to get my movies made.
What I learned from doing this assignment is… how to use reveals to add depth to my script.
I guess what I’m confused about is that every scene has a set-up and reveal to a certain extent. When I listed my demands/reveals, I counted 36! So I suppose that some demand/reveals are more impactful.
One that I have changed since the first draft is that the Warners are like surrogate parents to Wendy.
A: Demand: the real daughter moves back home, and Wendy wants proof that she’s just as important to the Warners.
Reveal (changes how Wendy sees herself): the daughter points out that Wendy reminds her of the pit bull they used to have chained to a doghouse in the backyard — she thus reveals Wendy’s true role in this relationship: she is the Warner’s pit bull who will never be allowed inside.
C: Reinforced dramatically: in her attempt to get off the train to Nirvana, Wendy enters a nightmare negotiation where she sees everyone as they really are, including herself: with a chain around her neck – the Warner’s pit bull who will never be allowed inside.
Another is:
A. Demand: Wendy tells her assistant, Jason, not to play by the rules.
B. Reveal (betrayal): Jason is an informant for the rival firm.
C. Presented dramatically: Jason delivers the oppo research on Wendy
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KZ’s Engaging Main Characters on THE 100
What I learned doing this assignment is… how to design an engaging character.
ENGAGING CHARACTER MODEL
WELLS JAHA (Son of the Chancellor)
A) Role in the Show:
Former best friend of protagonist, Clarke. He apparently betrayed Clarke’s confidence and got her father executed.
B) Unique Purpose / Expertise
He’s principled, even-tempered, practical.
C) Intrigue: What is the secret beneath the surface?
We don’t know yet what happened when he told his father.
D) Moral issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing?
He betrayed Clarke’s trust (or lied to her to protect her)
E) Unpredictable: What will they do next?
He keeps putting himself in harm’s way to defend what’s right, to help Clarke. We fear that one of these times, he will get himself killed.
F) Empathetic: Why do we care?
We sense that Wells is a good person, and we’re not sure that he actually turned in Clarke’s dad. He may be letting Clarke believe that to protect someone else. (My money is on her mother).
Yep – watched to end of Episode 3, and Clarke puts 2 and 2 together. She says, “You let me hate you… to protect me.” and he says, “What are friends for?” So add self-sacrifice to his list of good qualities.
OOPS – He just got killed in revenge by someone whose parents were killed by his father. Guess he wasn’t a lead character. Too bad… I found him to be the most interesting.
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KZ’s Engaging Main Character
The Journey of MURDER MY DARLINGS:
Characters who are the puppets of an unjust god rebel and rewrite their narrative under Oliver’s influence.
OLIVER – Plot line 5: An outsider disrupts the current world
A) Role in the show: Protagonist trying to figure out the world he finds himself in.
B) Unique purpose: He finds clues to his reality.
C) Intrigue:
- What is his amnesia covering up? Did he do something awful? Murder, perhaps?
- He has a covert relationship with Tony.
- He tries to get information out of Michelle.
D) Moral issue: As the evidence points increasingly towards Tony as the murderer, should he turn him in? Should he meddle in Tony’s relationship with Nolan for his own romantic needs, putting Tony at risk of retaliation?
E) Unpredictable: Where will his recovered memories lead him?
F) Empathetic: Tries to save Tony from abuse
TONY: Plot line 2: Two Pros go to War (he and Michelle)
A) Role in show: Love interest / Murder suspect
B) Unique purpose / expertise:
C) Intrigue: Why does he have the dead man’s shoe, and why does he hide it in Oliver’s apartment?
D) Moral issue: In a relationship where he doesn’t love in order to get perks.
E) Unpredictable: Rule breaker. Is he on Nolan’s side? Does he care about Oliver, or is it just convenient, self-serving?
F) Empathetic: We care because he’s charming, because he’s oppressed by Nolan
NOLAN: Plot line 4 – A leader takes us into an uncharted world
A) Role in Show: Uber-antagonist
B) Unique purpose / expertise: He is the creator of best-selling supernatural thrillers based on the lives of real people
C) Intrigue: Is he killing men who flirt with Tony in order to write realistically?
D) Moral issue: Controlling, needs for everyone to do as he says
E) Unpredictable: he takes revenge against the people in his life by writing about them in unflattering ways. He likes to test scenarios in real life in order to write about them.
F) Empathetic: Creative, driven, jealous
MICHELLE: Plot line 2 – Two pros go to war (with Tony)
A) Role in show: Ally / Antagonist to Oliver. Former lover of Nolan. Enemy of Tony.
B) Unique purpose / expertise: she knows how the world works
C) Intrigue: She’s trying to draw Oliver into the murder investigation in order to spare The Detective, the chosen victim. She’s trying to make sure that she survives at all costs.
D) Moral Issue: pretending to be someone’s friend only to sacrifice them to her needs
E) Unpredictable: whose side is she on? She will betray anyone.
F) Empathetic: She’s a woman in love, who’s tired of being jerked around by Nolan
INDIGO:
A) Role in show: Friend/therapist advisor to Oliver
B) Unique purpose / expertise: she reads the tarot cards, gives advice based on the cards.
C) Intrigue: She tells Oliver other people’s secrets. Is she passing Oliver’s secrets along to Nolan?
D) Moral issue: Sure of herself and her take on life. She’s right and no one else is.
E) Unpredictable: we expect her to be nurturing, but she’s blunt, undiplomatic
F) Empathetic: Although she’s blunt, she’s usually accurate. Says the things we all would like to say if we didn’t mind losing friends and gaining enemies.
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KZ Loves Character Depth!
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can win contests, sell scripts, and work with producers to get movies made.
What I learned doing this assignment is…how to map out aspects of character depth to see them quite clearly and make conscious changes to improve the story.
Depth Tool 1: Lay out your character storylines and elevate
It was a great exercise to map out my characters’ actions, particularly Wendy’s. I had already intuitively made these changes in Module 6. The main change was the realization about Wendy’s relationship with her bosses.
Depth Tool 2: What are they hiding from me?
- Wendy has abandonment issues from growing up in an orphanage since the age of 5, when her parents were killed in a car accident.
- She has latched onto Frances and Chuck Warner as her surrogate parents, has adopted their values as her values.
Depth Tool 3: How can this story trigger the character?
Trigger: Frances and Chuck’s biological daughter, Ivy, moves back home. The Warners stand Wendy up for their weekly dinner.
Reaction: Wendy faces her loneliness.
Trigger: Ivy says that Wendy reminds her of the pit bull the family kept chained to a doghouse in the back yard, always following them with its eyes, but never allowed to come inside.
Reaction: Wendy confronts her reality – she IS the pit bull who’s never let inside.
Trigger: Metta meditation
Reaction: Wendy realizes that she has no happy moments, but that she wants to be happy.
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KZ’s Three Circles of Characters for my project: MURDER MY DARLINGS
What I learned doing this assignment… is how to start categorizing characters in order of importance.
MAIN CHARACTERS TRIANGLE
Oliver (28) – smitten with Tony, wakes up in his apartment with partial amnesia, trying to fill in the blanks. Possibly a Broadway costume designer, out of work due to the pandemic.
Tony (30) – Nolan’s lover, rebellious, impish, devilish, charismatic
Nolan Harris (60) – bestselling author of supernatural thrillers, imperious, jealous, insecure
CONNECTED CIRCLE
Michelle – trans Superintendent of the building, who used to be involved with Nolan when she was a he. Her role model is TV’s nosy neighbor Mrs. Kravitz.
Indigo – Tarot reader, pseudo-therapist, given to blunt, hurtful pronouncements
Detective Uhm – a dim-witted Columbo, good looking, always draws the wrong conclusions
André – Actor who starred in a film adaptation of a Nolan Harris novel, sassy, judgmental, self-preserving at all costs
Raymond – the dead man who was involved with Tony. In the first scene of the show, he meets the same gruesome death that seems to befall all of Tony’s flirtations. Finding Raymond’s killer is the driver of the first season.
ENVIRONMENT CIRCLE
Food delivery guy
People on the street
Patrons and workers at the coffee shop where Nolan likes to sit and write and people-watch
Hospital personnel, patients and visitors
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KZ’s Three Circles of Characters in THE 100
What I learned doing this assignment is how to delineate characters by their importance.
A. MAIN CHARACTERS CIRCLE
ON EARTH
Clarke Griffin – level headed daughter of Dr. Griffin and her father, an engineer who was “floated” (out into space) after he discovered that The Ark was doomed and wanted to tell the residents about it. Clarke was locked up — guilty by association.
Finn Collins – risk taker and Clarke’s love interest
Bellamy Blake – Wants to keep the adults from coming to Earth, and wants to take control of the teens.
Chancellor – son of Thelonious. Competition with Bellamy.
ON THE ARK
Dr. Abby Griffin – Clarke’s mother. Principled member of the crew who wants to make sure humans merit surviving.
Marcus Kane – Second in command. Wants to take Thelonious’s place. Wants to make sure humans survive, even if it means purging the population on The Ark. Dictatorial, wants to kill anyone who disagrees with him.
B. CONNECTED CIRCLE
ON EARTH
Octavia Blake – hottie rebel, impetuous sister of Bellamy
Jasper Jordan – goofy stoner, involved with Octavia
Monty Green – Asian teen, knows about edible plants
ON THE ARK
Thelonious Jaha – Chancellor, enforcer of laws, tries to be firm, yet just
Raven Reyes – engineer, risk taker
C. ENVIRONMENT CIRCLE
- Crew and residents of The Ark
- Teenagers on Earth
- Mountain Men
- Cannibals
- Animals on Earth
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THE 100 Five-Star Model
What I learned doing this assignment is how to analyze a TV pilot for the elements that make it binge-worthy.
1. Big Picture Hook
100 teenaged offenders on the Ark, a space station that was in space when a nuclear apocalypse happened, are sent back to Earth, which may be uninhabitable due to radiation contamination. What will they find there? Will they survive?
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Ark is running out of oxygen & food to support its large population. Will they survive without the evil second-in-command purging the population?
2. Amazing and Intriguing Characters
- Clarke Griffin – level headed daughter of Dr. Griffin and the engineer who was “floated” for wanting to tell The Ark residents that they were running out of supplies
- Octavia – Rebel hottie
- Bellamy Blake – Octavia’s brother. He shot the Chancellor in order to board the ship and watch over his sister, so he has a vested interest in ensuring that the adults from The Ark never make it to Earth.
- Finn – risk taker, love interest
- Son of the Chancellor – one-legged and despised by Bellamy and other rough characters
- Dr. Griffin – mother of Clarke and principled opponent to the 2nd in command
- Second-in-command – wants to start killing residents of The Ark to reduce the population
- Jasper – goofy stoner
- Chancellor – father of one of the kids, has to enforce strict policies on The Ark, but is way better than the second in command.
3. Empathy / Distress
- The communication system is destroyed as the pod carrying the teenagers is thrown off course, so The Ark won’t be able to help the kids
- Dr. Griffin is worried about her daughter
- Small group of teenagers treks towards Mount Weather
- One faction of teenagers heading toward a “Lord of the Flies” reality
- Rough characters want to kill the son of the Chancellor, who enforced the rules on The Ark
- Octavia is nearly eaten by a giant water snake, but saved by Jasper
- Jasper, hoping to hold on to Octavia’s admiration, is the first to swing on a vine to cross the river… and gets a spear through the chest
4. Layers / Open Loops
- Will the teenagers survive?
- Will the bad teens kill the Chancellor’s son?
- What are the consequences of the teens removing their wrist monitors?
- Will the second-in-command gain control of The Ark?
- Will the residents of The Ark follow the kids to Earth?
- If the adults from The Ark come to Earth, will they punish Bellamy?
- Will Clarke and Octavia compete over Finn?
- Will Bellamy take control?
- Who killed Jasper with the spear? Who else is on Mount Weather?
5. Inviting Obsession
There are so many questions posed and storylines started in the pilot that I can imagine wanting to binge-watch all of the episodes.
Although sci-fi is not my thing, I really enjoyed this pilot script and want to know what happens in the story.
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KZ Solved Scene Problems!
Vision: To master screenwriting, to write a script that can win a contest
What I learned doing this assignment: How to use the Problem/Solution Grid to solve scenes in the first draft.
I’m actually pretty happy with the basic structure of my story. What’s bothering me is that I’m still looking at this 30% quality script! I’m very excited to move on to the next module and start elevating the quality of the writing.
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SUPERGIRL 5-Star Model
What I learned doing this assignment is…
a) How to identify the 5 points that make a binge-worthy show; and
b) Wow, the segment of the American public that made SUPERGIRL successful must be easily amused. The only good part about this show was seeing Calista Flockhart playing a megabitch. I spent over an hour looking at trailers of the shows on the list, but there weren’t really any that are like the show I want to write and unfortunately, I chose poorly. I’ll try and find another one before the next exercise.
1. Big Picture Hooks
Superman’s cousin is in the package of a sweet young woman, who is trying to lead a normal life.
2. Amazing and Intriguing Character
Cara Danvers is an innocent who realizes her potential and becomes a crime fighter.
Calista Flockhart plays a tough-as-nails boss, who seems to be modeled on the character in The Devil Wears Prada. In fact, all of the characters seemed derivative, 2-dimensional, and just not that interesting.
3. Empathy / Distress
Cara is excited to be fulfilling her potential, but gets blamed for the mess. (Fortunately, the writers dropped that angle since it’s lifted directly from the Superhero movie HANCOCK.)
Cara has to hide her identity to avoid Vartox… until she doesn’t and manages to kill him.
Cara misses her deceased mother, who speaks to her via hologram
Cara discovers her step-sister is actually part of a government program to monitor aliens
4. Layers / Open Loops
Will Cara be able to save humanity and avoid getting harmed or killed by the criminals? (Gee, I wonder what the answer is.)
5. Inviting Obsession
Although Cara kills Vartox, he has warned her that “you have no idea what’s coming.”
This kind of warning was done so much better in Men In Black, and maybe even Ghostbusters.
Although we were encouraged to watch the episode a second time, I’d rather do anything, even community service, maybe clean cat boxes at the shelter. SUPERGIRL is too shallow to merit extra excavation.
Here are shows that I have found binge-worthy:
- Call My Agent
- Severance
- Fleabag
- Ted Lasso
- The Old Man
- The Office (Ricky Gervais)
- Staged (David Tennant and Michael Sheen)
- In Treatment
- The Handmaid’s Tale
- Walking Dead (until I couldn’t take the extreme violence anymore)
And while the last two are on the list, I wanted to watch something new for this exercise.
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Call me KZ.
I’ve written numerous plays and screenplays, but I never stopped to count them, and truth be told, many could use a re-write. This year, I pulled an old script out of a drawer, dusted it off and sent it to the Atlanta Film Festival, and it made it as far as quarterfinalist. In 2016, a short film adapted from a play of mine won Best Comedy Short at Worldfest Houston.
I was working on a new screenplay, and a little voice kept nagging at me, telling me it was a TV series. So I hope to use that idea as source material to create a binge-worthy series.
Something unique? I graduated (in Houston, TX) from the High School for Performing and Visual Arts… but in visual art. I didn’t start writing plays until after graduation, when I moved to New York City.
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Kristina Zill
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Kristina Zill -I agree to the terms of this release form
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi, call me KZ.
I write plays and screenplays, and I even recently tried my hand at a Fiction Podcast.
I submitted a 10-year old script to the 2023 Atlanta Film Festival and it made it to the quarter finals.
For this class, I’ll be taking an idea I had for a screenplay and converting it into a TV show.
Unusual thing? I attended a High School for Performing and Visual Arts… but I majored in visual art. It wasn’t until after graduation that I started writing plays.
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KZ is Cliché Busting
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn any of my ideas into salable scripts, and work with producers to get them made into successful movies.
What I learned doing this assignment: clichés have a way of sneaking in.
1. Cliché? The Indian mother tries to find a suitable young woman for her son.
I’ve read this in a novel by Jhumpa Lahiri, and I also recently watched THE BIG SICK, where an Indian mother keeps inviting beautiful young women to dinner, hoping her son will find an appropriate mate.
Originally, the son tells his mother that he’s gay, and later she tries to set him up with a guy; so I moved that scene forward.
New Version: The Indian mother is convinced her son is gay, so she tries to find him a suitable young man.
That’s for sure something we haven’t seen before… maybe because it hasn’t happened in the history of the world. LOL.
2. Cliché? Montage of dates at the Speed Dating not going well.
We have seen that kind of thing before. I think I recently saw it in ABOUT A BOY.
However, this is about showing how the protagonist is the date-from-hell, so does that make it different? It’s also where a rival firm gets hold of her scorecard to use against her. So I’m not sure that I want to get rid of it. I haven’t thought of a replacement scene, but I’m sure… it will come to me 😉
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KZ’s Solved Character Problems!
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn my many ideas into scripts that sell, and then work with producers to get them made into movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is… how to analyze the script for character problems.
Generic lead characters.
We haven’t seen these characters before. Wendy is a combination of tough-as-nails with a powerful need to be loved. Darwin is a combination of tough negotiator who is under the thumb of his mother.
Weak protagonist or antagonist
Is it okay to write a young professional woman whose inner need is love? Or will that be considered “weak” because she’s relying on a man? I hope to thread that needle just right.
Protagonist too good or Antagonist too bad
I have given them both faults and virtues
Weak character intros
I did have that originally, but had already changed it in the first draft so that the opening is more compelling.
Characters not in action
My scenes are pretty active. If I can write the scenes well enough, the negotiations should be suspenseful, even though they characters are sitting at a table.
Protagonist journey not strong
Wendy goes from someone who has steeled herself against life, to being affected by a metta meditation, to falling in love
All the characters seem the same
Fortunately, my characters are all unique
Lead characters not present
Until the midpoint, one of my leads is in every single scene.
Once they’re on the train, we sometimes break away to Myra and Lewis.
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KZ’s STRUCTURE SOLUTIONS!
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn my ideas into scripts that sell, and to master working with producers so that I can get those movies made
What I learned from doing this assignment is to identify problems in the first draft and figure out how to solve them using the Problem/Solution Grid.
Changes to the script:
I may add a prologue, so that the sudden jump to the Train to Nirvana fits with the rest of the action.
I got rid of two scenes:
1) we see Wendy negotiating for something trivial as though her life depended on it… better revealed in a more important scene.
2) she gets fired by her therapist. I decided instead to have the aftermath: she confides to her dental hygienist. The fact that she was fired is referred to, possibly as a running gag.
I added a few short scenes where Wendy, who had turned her boss and his wife into surrogate parents, is displaced by the return to town of their biological daughter. The daughter’s upcoming wedding at a Justice of the Peace gives the impetus for the boss sending Wendy off to the negotiation conference.
I got rid of one meditation scene, and turned the second meditation scene into an emotional moment, where a loving-kindness meditation actually gets to Wendy and she starts her process of change.
I gave Wendy an assistant, David, who I turned into a spy for the other side… but I’ll probably change his name so that his name doesn’t start with D.
I changed the final scene so that Wendy and Darwin once again play strip poker.
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I found that I need a more specific Vision of Success, so here it is.
To write a script good enough to win the Nicholl Fellowship.
There, I said it.
An old script of mine just made the quarter-finals at the Atlanta Film Festival, but didn’t move any higher. I’ve been a finalist before, but I want to win one of these. So why not aim high ;?D
It’s been a busy couple of weeks at my survival job, sprinkled with a bit of Life Tragedy, and more than ever, I find refuge in working on my screenplay.
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Since I more or less finished the first draft, I’ve spent all week doing research and getting some great ideas for how to write a couple of scenes that were still missing. Fortunately, the information I needed was something I could listen to while taking care of chores. However, I’ve also realized after finding out more about how negotiators operate that some of the first draft scenes I wrote are going to need to be drastically overhauled.
I keep running my movie concept by people, and they respond well to it, which is encouraging.
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Vision: to master screenwriting so that I can turn my ideas into salable scripts.
What I learned: how to overcome resistance and get words on paper.
Last Sunday, I was able to devote a chunk of time, and I wrote 22 pages! Then I had a couple of days where I was too tired at the end of the workday. It wasn’t that I didn’t have time, I was just pooped.
Today is also Sunday, and I was at the part of the script in Act 3 where I hadn’t filled out the outline as well. So I set the timer for 5 minutes and kept pressing Repeat, and finally turned off the timer because I was cruising without it. I wrote 30 pages at record speed, and made it all the way to the end of the script!
Now, I have to say that whereas last Sunday’s output was pretty high quality, a large portion of today’s pretty much sucked. The dialogue is all on the nose. There’s repetition. But I got the basic beats in place. I will definitely be able to improve the scenes when we elevate the quality.
So for the rest of the assignments, I’m going to fill in a few scenes that I skipped that needed a little bit of pondering and research. And I’ll clean up and improve my Act 3.
I also added a supporting character or two since we did that assignment, and I need to go back and revisit that lesson so that I can clarify them a bit.
It’s going to be a busy week work-wise, so I’m glad that I was able to pull ahead in case I wind up bushed at the end of the workday.
So excited to see it coming together!
I hope everyone else is having a productive writing weekend as well.
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Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn any of my ideas into salable scripts and learn to work with producers so I can help get them made into successful movies.
I had to really force myself yesterday to put words on paper that were not great quality. I used the 5-minute timer repeatedly. At least I know that when it comes time to elevate the quality, there will plenty of room for improvement!
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KZ’s Finished Act 1
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn my ideas into sellable scripts, win contests, and work with producers to get the movies made.
Yesterday, I didn’t have much time, but I wrote a 6-page scene that was so much fun to write because it featured an eccentric secondary character.
This probably belongs in the introductory “unusual thing about me” – but every morning since the pandemic started, I soak in the tub and read one chapter of a book. It’s amazing how many books one can read, a chapter at a time! But this morning, I put the book aside and thought about a scene I need to write that wasn’t very clear to me, and I came up with some ideas for the mechanics of the scene. I look forward to writing it today at 5 o’clock when I finish work at my “survival job.”
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KZ’s Next Act 1 Scenes
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn my ideas into salable screenplays, and to master working with producers so that I can help those screenplays get made into movies.
What I learned doing this assignment:
My usual method of writing is to ponder aspects of the story; in fact, to spend quite a bit of time pondering — sometimes months. I’m one of those people Hal mentioned in his recording who can write a great script — but it’s going to take a long time. It’s difficult for me to just fly through the script and write according to the outline. If I come across parts in the outline that need work, then I start pondering.
The scenes in the outline that are the most dramatic are the easiest to write. Those I CAN fly through. But the weak scenes, if I write them as-is, I’m just layin’ up sin and suffering for myself further down the road. Just as, by not creating a strong-enough outline, I’m having trouble with some scenes now.
That said, I have been using the 5-minute timer method to get out of my usual pattern. And it works! In the wee hours this morning, I pondered a part of my script that needed help, and I came up with a much more dramatic, satisfying way to write it. It’s still true to the outline, but the motivations and timing were off before, and now I solved it.
Other than that slight detour, I’m all-in with the 5-minute and 10-minute writing sprints. Here’s a trick I’m using that helps: Rather than do sprints inside my official Final Draft document, I created a separate file called 5-Minute Sprints. I write in that doc and if I’m satisfied with the scene, I paste it into the official file. If I’m not happy with it, I keep doing sprints until it works. I’m enough of a perfectionist that I don’t like sullying what I’ve accomplished so far.
I still have a ways to go to really nail the High Speed Writing technique, but I’m getting there…
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KZ’s Act 1 First Draft Part 1
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn any of my ideas into salable scripts; and to master working with producers so that I can help turn those scripts into successful movies.
What I learned today: I listened to Mastery Session 16: Breaking Through Slow Writing. At the end of that recording, I set my timer and I wrote for 5 minutes. That was all the time I needed to write a rough draft of a scene.
It was very helpful because although I know from listening to past Mastery Sessions that the beginning of being blocked is thinking, “I can’t move forward until I figure out this one thing” — in fact, I was beginning to do that. I also catch myself looking too far into the future and wondering if this script is really going to be any good. And my usual response is to jump over to some other screenplay-in-progress where the grass looks greener.
Setting the timer for 5 minutes ensured that I didn’t give myself time to think about all the ways it wouldn’t work, so I believe I’ll be using that technique quite a bit from now on.
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KZ’s High Speed Writing Rules
Vision: To master screenwriting, so that I can turn any of my ideas into sellable scripts.
What I learned doing this assignment: That on the first draft, you have to plow ahead even if you don’t have all the answers.
On the first day, I wrote 3 pages. Today, I wrote 10 pages using the High Speed Rules. I did skip over Scene 2, which I wasn’t as excited about, and went right to Scene 3, which I really wanted to write. And once the words were flowing, I just moved on into Scene 4.
I was having some trouble getting started and found myself procrastinating, so I realized I needed to do a little bit of research. Scene 3 is a Strip Poker game, and I don’t know how to play poker. I found a YouTube video that explained 5-card draw. Once I understood the game, it gave me ideas for how to proceed, and after that, it was smooth sailing.
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KZ’s FIRST SCENE
What I learned from doing this assignment is… having added an interest technique in the outline made writing this scene easy.
In Lesson 9, I had opened the movie with a passive scene. Then for Lesson 10, I brainstormed a “more interesting setting” which led me to shift the timeframe to a period 5 years ago, when my main characters were just out of college and attending intensive training for negotiators. The resulting drama that seems to be a bank robbery (but turns out to be a training exercise) was so dynamic that the first scene was very easy to write.
When I first started writing screenplays, the common wisdom was “grab them by page 10.” Then it became page 3, then page 1, and finally by the 1st line. I believe I may have accomplished that with the new scene.
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KZ’s Fascinating Scene Outlines
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn any of my ideas into sellable scripts and help get them made into movies.
What I learned doing this assignment: Using the interest techniques showed me that some scenes just weren’t that interesting, and led to a completely different opening and a re-ordering of some events. ** since the High Speed Writing has already started, I’m posting before truly completing this outline. For many scenes, I haven’t found the Interest Technique that seems to fit. Is that because I need a different interest technique, or is the scene more boring than I could make it? I hope to find out while writing the scenes.**
ACT 1
1) INT. BANK – DAY
A gunman orders customers on the floor and Wendy tries to negotiate.
Beginning: (More interesting setting) Bank robbery
Middle: (Uncomfortable moment) Wendy uses business negotiation strategies to convince the gunman to let the hostages go. The gunman “shoots” the hostages and Wendy.
End: (Twist) It was a training exercise, which Wendy failed.
2) INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY
Wendy’s instructors critique her failed bank robbery negotiation. Her skills are exactly what’s needed in the corporate world, and she receives a job offer.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable moment) Wendy’s instructors give her a terrible review.
Middle: (Suspense) She is approached by the representative from a big financial firm.
End: (Twist) She is offered a coveted job because they appreciated her cutthroat techniques
3) INT. HOTEL SUITE – NIGHT
Wendy joins a group of young negotiators to play strip poker.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable moment) Wendy agrees to play poker, only to discover it’s a game of strip poker.
Middle: (Surprise) Both Wendy and Darwin are excellent players because they’re naturally good at bluffing.
End: (Twist) Though they might like to see the other naked, they both have their clothes on at the end of the game. The others are pairing up, making out. One miffed player who lost most of her clothes but hasn’t found a mate leaves in a huff, saying she doesn’t care because Day of the Triffids is on, and she’d rather watch Sci-Fi. One nerdy guy who was making out with another breaks it off and leaves to watch Day of the Triffids with her.
4) INT. HOTEL SUITE – NIGHT
Wendy and Darwin try to negotiate the terms of a proposed one-night stand.
Beginning (ironic moment) Others who “lost” the game pair off into the rooms that adjoin the common room.
Middle: (uncomfortable moment) As Wendy and Darwin try to negotiate the terms of their one night stand, an occasional murmur of lovemaking is heard from behind the closed doors.
End: (twist) Wendy decides that in order to maintain superiority in the situation, she’s going to walk out. Darwin accuses her of walking out as a strategy. She and Darwin each wind up alone in their respective rooms, watching the Sci-Fi movie, Day of the Triffids.
5) EXT. BRIDGE – DAY
Darwin negotiates with a woman threatening to jump from the bridge.
Beginning: (More interesting setting) The woman threatens to jump.
Middle: (Suspense) Darwin uses techniques to persuade Ms. Lonelyhearts.
Ending: (Twist) He gets her to agree to come down by promising her a date.
6) INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY
Darwin gets feedback, then suddenly leaves.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable moment) Although the woman was talked out of suicide, Darwin lied to achieve the result, and his teachers explain why that’s a problem.
Middle: (Uncertainty) Wendy waits nearby, hoping to see Darwin again, although the “jumper” is clinging to him.
End: (Twist) After an administrator gives Darwin a private message, he runs out. Wendy asks the administrator what happened. She said that Darwin’s father just committed suicide.
Five years later…
7) INT. WENDY’S OFFICE – DAY
The business world is suddenly interested in meditation.
Beginning: (_________ ) Wendy and her assistant, Pamela, watch Warren Buffet on TV espousing meditation as a way to get an edge in business.
Middle: (Uncomfortable moment) Wendy instructs Pamela to get her top of the line meditation gear and to find the best class for her to attend.
End: (Betrayal) Wendy comes out of a meeting past 5pm to find her assistant has left a bunch of high-end gear for her, but has taken the last place in the meditation class for herself.
7a) EXT. MEDITATION CLASS – DAY
Wendy runs into Darwin on the way to the Meditation class.
Beginning: (External dilemma) Wendy and Darwin negotiate on whether he will hold the door open for her, who should be first in line.
Middle: (Surprise) They recognize each other from the class.
End: (Twist) Darwin is allowed in the class, Wendy is turned away.
8) INT. MEDITATION CLASS – DAY
Wendy manipulates her way into class.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable moment) Wendy’s assistant avoids making eye contact – doesn’t want to leave the class.
Middle: (Twist) Wendy texts her: “The class or your job” – Wendy takes Pamela’s place.
End: (Twist) The instructor, Myra, has everyone shift onto their neighbor’s Zafu cushion, to emphasize that “we’re all one” and to discourage spiritual materialism.
9) EXT. MEDITATION CLASS – NIGHT
Wendy pretends she has a hot date, hoping to catch Darwin’s attention.
Beginning: (Suspense) Everyone’s leaving the class. Pamela asks Darwin whether he’s going out with everyone for drinks afterwards.
Middle: (Uncomfortable moment) Darwin bails, saying he’s got a standing dinner date. Pamela assumes that Wendy is free. She replies that she also has a date.
End: (Twist) Wendy arrives at her destination: a Speed Dating event.
10) INT. EVENT HALL – NIGHT
Wendy ruins every one-minute encounter with her potential dates.
Beginning: (Suspense) Lots of possibilities – but we sense that Darwin is the one for her, so we fear she’ll do well and find someone else.
Middle: (Uncertainty) Wendy is terrible at this. She says the wrong thing, negotiates and argues.
End: (Twist) Everyone else has paired off. The last guy standing turns and walks away, leaving her alone.
11) INT. DARWIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Darwin must stop his mother from trying to set him up with prospective wives.
Beginning: (Suspense) Darwin comes home to find that his mother has prepared dinner for four: the two of them and a prospective bride and her mother.
Middle: (Uncomfortable moment) Darwin’s mother tries to sell the other two on her son as a husband. We understand her real concern when she insists that she must be allowed to live with the couple in her old age.
End: (Twist) Darwin announces that he’s gay and therefore unavailable for marriage.
12) EXT. HOT DOG STAND – DAY
Wendy arrives to find a long line at the hot dog stand. She checks her watch, no time.
Beginning: (Suspense) A long line – it’ll take half the lunchtime to get through this line.
Middle: (Suspense) Wendy pretends to know someone close to the front, and tells him “she’s buying.” Will he accept?
End: (Twist) Despite the others behind them doubting that they know each other, the guy plays along, and she buys his and hers fully-loaded hot dogs. He adds on a bunch more stuff, making the most of the freebie.
13) INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE – DAY
Even Wendy’s therapist can’t take her.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable moment) – The therapist is about to eat lunch at her desk because Wendy’s late.
Middle: (Uncomfortable moment) – Wendy complains that she scares men away, and the only man who seems to appreciate her is her boss, and he’s married, too old for her, and unattractive. When the therapist offers advice, Wendy argues and uses personal information against the therapist to win.
End: (Twist) The therapist declares Wendy cured, and terminates the relationship.
14) INT. MEDITATION ROOM – DAY
Wendy is too controlling to meditate successfully.
Beginning: (Twist) Wendy tries to control sitting on her own expensive gear, but this time, Myra has everyone shift in the opposite direction.
Middle: (Suspense) Will Wendy be helped by meditation? She follows Myra’s guided meditation, focusing on her breath.
End: (Uncertainty) A kid wreaks havoc while they meditate, and no one seems to mind but Wendy. The kid even pops bubble wrap. Hope/fear that Wendy will be helped by meditation, doubtful that she’s the meditation type.
15) INT. WENDY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Wendy lives alone with fake house plants. “No pets, no plants” No complications in her life.
Beginning:
Middle:
End:
16) INT. DARWIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Darwin comes home to find his mother has out-maneuvered him.
Beginning: (Uncertainty) Did Darwin’s mother believe his excuse?
Middle: (Uncertainty) Mrs. Ghosh has arranged another date.
End: (Twist) She’s invited a roly-poly man named Gary for dinner. Gary promises he would let her live with him and Darwin, so as far as she’s concerned, it’s a match.
17) INT. WENDY’S OFFICE – DAY
We see how Wendy’s office operates.
Beginning: (Uncertainty) Wendy’s boss and Pamela share a powerpoint about her upcoming negotiation opponent.
Middle:
End:
19) INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Wendy negotiates a business deal.
Beginning: (_________) Wendy uses information from the powerpoint to throw her opponent off psychologically.
Middle: (Suspense) Wendy meets her opponent across a negotiation table. We see some of her ruthless techniques, based on what she’s been told about him in advance.
End: (Surprise) She makes her opponent cry, which makes her boss smile.
20) INT. WENDY’S OFFICE – DAY / INT. DARWIN’S OFFICE – DAY
Wendy and Darwin find out they’ll be facing each other for an important, high dollar negotiation coming up.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable moment) Intercut Wendy and Darwin being shown the dossier reel, which reveals weaknesses of their opponents.
Middle:
Ending:
21) INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Wendy and Darwin are going to the same conference.
Beginning: (________) Wendy boards the plane and sees Darwin asleep.
Middle: (___________) She sits down across from him and tries indirect techniques to wake him up.
Ending: (Twist) Mrs. Ghosh and Gary board the plane, wake Darwin up, and sit next to him – much to his dismay and Wendy’s confusion.
22) INT. CONFERENCE – DAY
Wendy and Darwin are on a panel with two other panelists and a moderator.
Beginning: (_________) Panelists are introduced.
Middle: (____________) Montage of moments
Ending: (___________) Someone suggests that negotiators should look for the win/win. Both Wendy and Darwin laugh heartily at that suggestion. (bonding)
23) INT. CONFERENCE – DAY
Wendy and Darwin are paired for a demonstration negotiation in the equivalent of an interrogation room with the audience outside.
Beginning (_________) Wendy and Darwin each use psych out techniques to unbalance the other
Middle (___________) As they negotiate, the moderator from the panel explains their techniques to the audience.
Ending (________) It’s a draw. Neither wins, but also the objective is not achieved.
24) INT. HOTEL BAR – NIGHT
Wendy learns the secret of meditation.
Beginning: (________) Wendy sits alone on a sofa in the bar.
Middle: (__________) Mrs. Ghosh joins her. Wendy asks for the secret of meditation. Mrs. Ghosh won’t tell her. Wendy bribes her.
Ending: (__________) Mrs. Ghosh gives her a technique. She tries it and it works.
25) INT. MEDITATION CLASS – DAY
A visiting Monk leads the meditation, and his narration leads to Wendy, Darwin, Myra and the Monk landing on the train to Nirvana.
Beginning (_________) Myra introduces the Visiting Monk. It’s obvious that she’s smitten with him.
Middle (__________) The monk leads a guided narration, telling the class to “look for who’s looking.” Most of the class is fiddling with their cell phones, not paying attention, etc., but our four are focusing.
End (_____________) Wendy winds up in her head, observing herself as if from a great height. The lights go out suddenly as though the train entered a tunnel, and she hears the sound of a train hurtling across the tracks.
26) INT. FIRST TRAIN CAR – NIGHT
As the darkness lifts, Wendy realizes she’s on a train. But it’s still dark outside, and she can’t get her bearings. Where is she? How did she get here? Where is the train headed? She decides to explore in the train and figure out what’s going on.
Beginning (Suspense) – Wendy is on a train. How did she get there?
Middle (Mystery) She can’t see out the window – it’s dark out there, and she senses that the train is moving fast.
Ending (Suspense) – She goes to explore on the train and we’re worried for her.
27) INT. TRAIN CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Beginning (Suspense) – She hears the sound of humming from down the corridor
Middle (Suspense) Just as she’s about to reach the sound of humming, she passes another car. A hand reaches out and grabs her and pulls her in.
Ending (Twist) It’s Darwin.
28) INT. SECOND TRAIN CAR – NIGHT
Beginning (Mystery) Darwin and Wendy try to figure out how they wound up on the train.
Middle (Mystery) Darwin proves to Wendy that they’re not dreaming: they can read.
Ending (Cliffhanger) They decide to go investigate the source of the humming.
29) INT. TRAIN CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Beginning (Suspense) They draw closer to the humming.
Middle (Mystery) They look inside and see a collection of monks with their backs to them, occupying an entire car, and all resonating with a single sound: Ommmmmmm
Ending (Surprise) Just as they’re jiggling the car’s handle, their names are called,. Myra and the Visiting Monk from meditation class are coming toward them. They beckon them into Darwin’s empty car.
30) INT. SECOND TRAIN CAR – NIGHT
Set up the opposition between Wendy and Darwin (who want to get off the train) and Myra and VM (who want to continue on to Nirvana)
Beginning (Mystery) Wendy and Myra are convinced they are dreaming. Darwin explains that they are not. VM (Visiting Monk – as yet unnamed) explains that he believes they are on the train to Nirvana.
Middle ( ) They try out different theories of how they got there. VM explains that he thinks it happened at a certain point in meditation and that Wendy and Darwin must be very good at meditation to have landed there. He goes on to explain that they can’t return to reality without ruining the party for everyone else.
Ending (twist) Myra and VM are excited to be headed to Nirvana – and they dance.
31) INT. FIRST TRAIN CAR – NIGHT
Wendy and Darwin attempt to work together to get off the train.
Beginning – Wendy and Darwin confer – they have to get back to reality and to the negotiation that is happening the very next day.
Middle – They come up with a plan to get Myra on their side by convincing her that only back in reality can she have a relationship with VM
Ending – They put the plan into action.
32) INT. SECOND TRAIN CAR – NIGHT
Myra and VM bond
Beginning – Myra and VM realize that Darwin and Wendy are gone.
Middle – VM urges Myra to free her mind of thought so that they can contribute to the vibe of the train and perhaps join the monks in the communal car ahead of them. They hold hands while meditating.
Ending – VM goes into a trance, but Myra sees Darwin and Wendy motioning her outside. She shushes them and joins them in the corridor so they won’t wake VM..
33) INT. TRAIN CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Wendy and Darwin join forces to try to bring Myra to their side, but they’re still too competitive with each other to succeed.
Beginning – Myra urges Wendy and Darwin to join them in chanting.
Middle – Darwin and Wendy use negotiation techniques on Myra – they succeed in getting her to come to their car.
Ending – Darwin and Wendy go to work on Myra using subtle techniques that make her want to stay on earth and not go to Nirvana. Without a unified front, Myra rejoins VM.
34) INT. FIRST TRAIN CAR – NIGHT / INT. TRAIN CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Wendy and Darwin learn to work together.
Beginning – Wendy and Darwin retreat to her car to come up with a strategy.
Middle – They decide to play good cop / bad cop.
Ending – They go to work on Myra. They prove that she’s having thought; they make her feel guilty about her little cat at home that will surely starve to death; they paint a picture of a world rife with procrastination if there is no death. Finally, they get her to agree to wake up VM.
35) INT. SECOND TRAIN CAR – NIGHT
Wendy and Darwin destroy VM’s serenity in order to get him to divulge the secrets of the train to nirvana.
Beginning: They bring VM out of his trance
Middle: They try to convince him that he’s actually experiencing emotions, and in the process, they make him angry.
Ending: VM tells them what he knows of the Train to Nirvana – that it’s the collective consciousness that drives the train forward. Darwin gets him to admit that for the two negotiators, instead of being a positive thing, they may have entered the “Dark Night of the Soul”. VM urges them to join in meditation, but they say they want to get some sleep. VM tells them that the closer they get to Nirvana, the more they will lose all appetites for things they cared about in the real world.
36) INT. FIRST TRAIN CAR – NIGHT
Wendy and Darwin fall in love.
Beginning: Wendy and Darwin are in their bunk beds, talking about what they’ll miss on Earth.
Middle: They confess that if it hadn’t been for Darwin having to leave the conference suddenly, they probably would have slept together. Darwin says he feels relieved he’s headed to oblivion because life has been painful and his mother is driving him crazy. They tell each other the lowest amount their respective employers would have gone to.
Ending: Since it looks like they’re heading towards oblivion anyway, Wendy climbs into Darwin’s bunk without negotiation.
37) INT. SECOND TRAIN CAR – NIGHT / INT. TRAIN CORRIDOR – NIGHT
VM resorts to manipulation to get Wendy off the train.
Beginning: VM tells Myra he thinks that Darwin is a good candidate for Nirvana, but that Wendy is not, and it would be in their best interest to get her off the train.
Middle: Myra goes to talk to Wendy, but she hears the sounds of lovemaking, and returns to the monk.
Ending: Myra returns to VM and explains that she thinks they’re in love. VM is more determined than ever to get Wendy off the train.
38) INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
VM manipulates Wendy into taking “the only seat” back to reality; but she aborts the mission and returns to free Darwin.
Beginning: VM gets Wendy’s attention and lies to her so that she’ll take the only seat on the train. Wendy finds out that no time will have passed on earth and that therefore, if she can return, she can still make the negotiation.
Middle: Armed with the piece of information she needs to win the negotiation, Wendy takes the single seat that is available to return to earth. She goes through the process of arriving at the negotiation and seeing her new opponent, before realizing that she can’t read and that she’s dreaming. She is given a choice of staying on earth or returning to rescue Darwin. She returns.
End: When she gets back on the train, she realizes that Darwin is slipping into a trance.
39) INT. FIRST TRAIN CAR – NIGHT / INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
“I am Samsara!”
Beginning: Wendy returns full of herself and tries to wake Darwin to receive praise for returning for him, but she finds him in a trance.
Middle: Wendy easily distracts Myra, who leaves VM’s side and joins her in the corridor.
Ending: Wendy convinces Myra that Nirvana won’t be all that it’s cracked up to be.
40) EXT. MONKS’ CAR – NIGHT
Wendy and Myra manage to disrupt the monks’ serenity, bringing them closer to stopping the train.
Beginning: Wendy and Myra can’t break into the monk’s car. By now, Myra is regretful about leaving the world behind. Eternity is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Middle: Myra discovers the tuning fork she used in class, which was in her pocket.
Ending: Wendy repeatedly sounds the tuning fork, repeating an idiotic mantra, causing the meditating monks distress. They move to the door – like Triffids.
41) INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Wendy and Myra manage to stop the train.
Beginning: Wendy pulls the emergency stop cord – and this time the train comes to a screeching halt.
Middle: Both VM and Darwin are awakened by the jolt. They discover the monks in disarray.
End: (One of the monks? VM?) wants to end it all.
42) INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Darwin’s true calling: Suicide negotiator
Beginning: (Suspense) The monk is threatening self-harm
Middle: Darwin overcomes the demons surrounding his own father’s death, and returns to the compassionate work that originally made him want to be a negotiator.
Ending: Darwin talks the monk off the ledge.
43) INT. MEDITATION CLASS – DAY
Wendy, Darwin, Myra and VM are restored to the class as though nothing ever happened. Except that VM is distraught.
Beginning:
Middle:
Ending:
44) INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Beginning: The bosses face off, as though they’re coaches of rival athletic teams, each one certain that their prize negotiator is going to deliver a wonderful result and crush the opposition.
Middle: Wendy and Darwin face each other across the table. They each state what they feel the other would want in the negotiation.
Ending: They deliver a win/win. Their bosses are horrified, expecting them to leave the other side crying. The two quit before they can be fired.
45) INT. DARWIN’S HOUSE – DAY
Wendy and Darwin plan to announce their engagement. Darwin’s mother is missing. He Facetimes her. She and Gary are on a cruise.
Beginning: Darwin is nervous about breaking the news to his mother.
Middle: They arrive at the house – she’s missing. Darwin facetimes her and finds that she’s on a cruise with Gary.
Ending: Wendy and Darwin negotiate over where they’re going to eat, but this time it’s with the other person’s happiness in mind.
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KZ’s Scene Requirements
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn any of my ideas into sellable scripts and help get them made into movies.
What I learned doing this assignment: to think through the key elements of the scene to ensure maximum entertainment… and that I have a lot more thinking to do about this plot.
ACT 1
INT. WENDY’S OFFICE – DAY
Warren Buffet promotes meditation as a way to get an edge in business
- Scene Arc: Young business types watch the interview on TV, send texts around, leave the office in droves. Wendy finds her secretary’s memo, follows her to the class.
- Essence: They’re taking meditation for all the wrong reasons
- Conflict: Wendy comes out of her office, finds everyone gone, feels left out
- Subtext: She wants to be in on the latest craze
EXT. NYC BUILDING / INT. FOYER & STAIRCASE – DAY
Wendy meets Darwin on the NYC street, they both continue to the foyer and a flight of stairs.
- Scene Arc: They arrive for class.
- Essence: Meet cute
- Conflict: Wendy and Darwin negotiate over who will hold the door, who will go first
- Subtext: Neither wants to be at a disadvantage
- Hope/fear: Hope that sparks will fly.
EXT. MEDITATION CLASS – DAY
Darwin takes his place in class. Wendy is turned away, but manipulates her way in.
- Scene Arc: The class is full and the receptionist won’t take a bribe. Wendy sees a coworker in the class. She calls him on the cell phone, gets him to leave and takes his place.
- Essence: Show Wendy being ruthless to get her way
- Conflict: Wendy vs. the gatekeeper
- Subtext: Wendy never takes no for an answer
- Hope/fear: Hope that she’ll get in / Fear that she’ll get in
INT. MEDITATION CLASS – DAY
Myra scores her first point against Wendy
- Scene Arc: Wendy is self-satisfied with her expensive gear. Myra makes them all shift places
- Essence: Myra is a thorn in Wendy’s side
- Conflict: Myra’s one-with-the-universe vs. Wendy’s individualism
- Subtext: Two willful women battling it out
- Hope/fear: Hope that Wendy will learn a lesson
EXT. MEDITATION CLASS – NIGHT
After class, Wendy is invited out (out of obligation) by a co-worker, but she opts out – she has a “date”
- Scene Arc: Wendy seems to have a date, but she’s going to a speed dating event.
- Essence: Wendy is alone, and others don’t really want her
- Conflict: Wendy’s co-worker is relieved and surprised that Wendy has a previous engagement
- Subtext: Wendy is too fierce to have friends
- Hope/fear: Hope that she’ll be invited along. Hope that this date turns out to be great.
INT. AUDITORIUM– NIGHT
Wendy participates in Speed Dating, where she turns off every single guy
- Scene Arc: Wendy sets her cap at the guys but turns them off one-by-one, and leaves alone.
- Essence: Wendy can’t find a boyfriend.
- Conflict: Wendy vs. the guys
- Subtext: Wendy scares away potential boyfriends
- Hope/fear: Hope that she’ll find a date. Fear that she’ll be alone.
INT. DARWIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Darwin arrives home to find that his mother has arranged a date for him, and the girl’s mother is there, too.
- Scene Arc: Darwin is pissed his mother is trying to arrange a marriage, so he announces at dinner that he’s gay to stop her meddling.
- Essence: Darwin will be ruthless to get his way.
- Conflict: Between Darwin and his mother over her meddling in his romantic affairs
- Subtext: Darwin can’t find a mate on his own
- Hope/fear: Hope that this guy turns out great for Wendy. Fear that the mother will succeed.
EXT. NYC STREET – DAY
At lunch, Wendy negotiates her way to the front of the line of people waiting for a hot dog.
- Scene Arc: Wendy is in a hurry and the line is long, but she negotiates her way to the front.
- Essence: Wendy gets her way through negotiation
- Conflict: The others in line don’t believe that she’s friends with the guy
- Subtext: Wendy doesn’t care about others’ disapproval
- Hope/fear: Hope that she’ll get through the line unscathed and make it to her appointment on time.
INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE – DAY
Wendy wonders whether she should just give in to her boss since she can’t find a guy. She argues with her therapist, bringing her to tears. The therapist tells her she’s cured to get rid of her.
- Scene Arc: Wendy goes from supplicant patient to domineering negotiator
- Essence: Even the therapist doesn’t like her
- Conflict: Wendy vs. the therapist
- Subtext: Wendy can’t be helped
- Hope/fear: Hope that she’ll have a revelations
INT. MEDITATION CLASS – DAY
Wendy isn’t able to meditate, and Myra gets the better of her again.
- Scene Arc: Wendy tries to game the class and meditation, but Myra wins again, getting everyone to shift to the left this time.
- Essence: Wendy is frustrated by meditation and by Myra
- Conflict: Wendy vs. Myra
- Subtext: Wendy wants to control everything
- Hope/fear: Hope that she’ll learn meditation and become calmer.
INT. CONFERENCE HALL – DAY
Wendy and Darwin are on a panel with three others discussing negotiation tactics
- Scene Arc: From Wendy & Darwin share a philosophy to they use ruthless tactics on each other.
- Essence: Wendy & Darwin are compatible
- Conflict: Wendy & Darwin vs. the others in the room
- Subtext: Neither one will give ground
- Hope/fear: Hope that they’ll get together Fear that they’ll get together
INT. HOTEL SUITE – NIGHT
Wendy and Darwin are invited by their young staffers to join in a game of strip poker, but they’re too good at the game and keep their clothes on, and then can’t negotiate the win/win of love.
- Scene Arc: From Wendy & Darwin seem made for each other to… they can’t negotiate a romance.
- Essence: Wendy & Darwin cannot come to terms about romance
- Conflict: Wendy & Darwin vs. the others in the room
- Subtext: Romance takes a backseat to competition
- Hope/fear: Hope that they’ll lose at poker but win at love. Fear that Wendy is going to muck it up again.
INT. WENDY’S OFFICE – DAY
Wendy discovers that she and Darwin will be facing off in an important negotiation.
- Scene arc: Wendy is starting to think romantically about Darwin, but asks her assistant to build a dossier on him when she finds that she will be negotiating with him.
- Essence: Wendy and Darwin thrown into opposition
- Conflict: Internal conflict for Wendy. She’s attracted to Darwin but has to bury it.
- Subtext: Romance takes a backseat to competition.
- Hope/Fear: We hope they can build a romance anyway.
INT. MEDITATION CLASS – DAY
Darwin tells Wendy he arranged for her to be his opponent because he knows he can win against her.
- Scene arc: From Wendy has the superior position to Darwin gains the advantage.
- Essence: We see how Darwin operates by psyching out his opponent.
- Conflict: Wendy vs. Darwin
- Subtext: They’re each signaling that they’ll put business before pleasure.
- Hope / Fear: Hope that they’ll get together. Fear that they won’t.
INT. DARWIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Darwin arrives home to find that his mother has a new intended mate for him: a roly-poly guy named Gary.
- Scene arc: From Darwin solved his problem to now he has a whole new problem.
- Essence: Darwin’s mother outwits him every time.
- Conflict: Darwin vs. his mother
- Subtext: The mother will get her way no matter what the obstacle.
- Hope / Fear: We hope Darwin will extract himself from the situation without hurting Gary’s feelings.
ACT 2
INT MEDITATION CLASS – DAY
In a guided meditation by the visiting Monk, everyone in class is vying to “ace” the meditation.
- Scene arc: Myra is serene to Myra is competitive with the monk.
- Essence: Myra and the Monk are oblivious to the way they vie for status
- Conflict: Myra chides her students for engaging in power struggles, then struggles herself with the Monk
- Subtext: They’re each hoping to be more spiritual than the other
- Hope / Fear: We hope Myra and the Monk will be shown their hypocrisy. We fear that they will continue blindly.
INT. TRAIN = NIGHT
The Monk, along with Myra, Darwin and Wendy wind up on the train headed for Nirvana.
- Scene arc: From Wendy aced meditation to she winds up in the Dark Night of the Soul
- Essence: This scene puts them on the train
- Conflict: The Monk and Myra are ecstatic to be on the train. Darwin and Wendy want to get off.
- Subtext: One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor?
- Hope / Fear: We hope this train ride is a good thing. We fear that it is not good.
INT. TRAIN – NIGHT
Wendy and Darwin join forces to torment the monk to get the information they need to return to reality
- Scene arc: From monk being en route to Nirvana to being cast back into Samsara
- Essence: Wendy and Darwin push the monk to the brink
- Conflict: Bad behavior vs. decency
- Subtext: They begin to soften in their constant desire to win at all costs.
- Hope / Fear: We hope Wendy and Darwin will make it back to reality. We fear that the monk will become suicidal.
ACT 3
INT. TRAIN – NIGHT
Wendy uses the information from Myra to take the one seat back to reality.
- Scene arc: From Wendy being trustworthy to betraying Darwin and Myra.
- Essence: Wendy chooses winning over love.
- Conflict: Wendy vs. her conscience
- Subtext: Her attitude still exists. Every person for themselves.
- Hope / Fear: We hope Wendy will do the right thing. We fear that she will be selfish.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Wendy has the information needed to win the negotiation.
- Scene arc: From Wendy choosing winning to choosing love.
- Essence: Wendy chooses love over winning.
- Conflict: Wendy vs. her heart
- Subtext: She doesn’t want to be alone
- Hope / Fear: We hope Wendy will choose Darwin. We fear that she will choose to betray him and win the negotiation.
INT. TRAIN – NIGHT
Wendy wakes up from a bad dream and confesses to Darwin what she did.
- Scene arc: From Wendy being vulnerable to putting up defenses.
- Essence: Wendy can’t break out of her shell.
- Conflict: Wendy vs. her defenses
- Subtext: She must force herself to be vulnerable
- Hope / Fear: We hope Wendy and Darwin will be together. We fear that they’re stuck on the train forever.
INT. TRAIN – NIGHT
Myra insists that Wendy and Darwin talk the disappointed monk off the ledge.
- Scene arc: From Darwin and Wendy using negotiation to win in business to using it to save a life.
- Essence: The first time they experience win / win
- Conflict: The negotiators vs. the suicide
- Subtext: Using their talents for good
- Hope / Fear: We hope Wendy and Darwin will save the monk. We fear they’ll say the wrong thing and drive him over the edge
ACT 4
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Wendy and Darwin face off in the negotiation. Their jobs are at risk. At the end, they negotiate a deal and quit before they can be fired.
- Scene arc: From the bosses salivating over watching the drama, like warriors at the coliseum.
- Essence: Wendy and Darwin have changed
- Conflict: The negotiators vs. their bosses
- Subtext: Using their talents for good
- Hope / Fear: We hope Wendy and Darwin will come to terms. We fear the bosses will take revenge.
INT. DARWIN’S HOUSE – DAY
Wendy and Darwin plan to announce their engagement. Darwin’s mother is missing. He Facetimes her. She and Gary are on a cruise.
- Scene arc: From Darwin and Wendy worrying about the mother to realizing she’ll be fine – she’s found someone to take care of her
- Essence: They are free to love
- Conflict: The lovers vs. the mother
- Subtext: The mother also found her win/win solution
- Hope / Fear: We hope Wendy and Darwin will convince the mother. We fear the mother will prevail with a guilt trip or some other manipulation.
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KZ’s Intriguing Moments
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can take any of my ideas and turn them into sellable scripts, then help get them made into movies.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that isolating the intriguing moments gives you a good way of ensuring there’s enough embedded interest in the story.
Act 1
Covert agenda/Conspiracy: the business people (including Wendy and Darwin) who are taking Myra’s class pretend that it’s for spiritual enlightenment, rather than as a way to gain an edge over the competition
Covert agenda: Wendy collects damaging information on people to use against them.
Covert agenda: Darwin’s mother keeps serving up proposed mates, professing it’s for her son’s good, but really it’s so that she will be taken care of in her old age.
Scheme: Wendy manipulates a coworker into using his phone during meditation so that she can take his place in the class when he is asked to leave.
Scheme: Wendy and Darwin psych out others to get their way in negotiations. We see Darwin’s mother use the technique on him.
Scheme: Darwin tells his mother he’s gay so she’ll stop trying to arrange a marriage for him.
Act 2
Superior knowledge: We know that Darwin and Wendy are attracted to each other, even though they try to deny it themselves
Mystery: What is driving Wendy to need to win all the time?
Mystery: Why does Darwin’s mother have such a hold over him?
Scheme: Wendy bribes Darwin’s mother to get the “secret of meditation”
Covert agenda: Wendy and Darwin try to get information out of each other that will help them win the upcoming negotiation
Act 3
Conspiracy: Wendy and Darwin try to manipulate Myra so that they can get back to reality
Scheme: Myra gives them false information to help them become more spiritual
Conspiracy: Wendy and Darwin try to manipulate the monks into turning the train around.
Covert agenda: Wendy tries to leave with the information she gleaned from Darwin so that she can win the negotiation in reality.
Act 4
Scheme: Contrary to their boss’s instructions, Wendy and Darwin negotiate a solution where both companies win.
Scheme: Wendy and Darwin come up with a plan to break the news to Darwin’s mother that they’re a couple
Mystery: will their plan work, or will Darwin buckle once again to pressure and guilt trip?
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KZ’s Emotional Moments
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can write excellent screenplays and help them get made into memorable movies.
Doing this assignment, I learned a little bit more about my story; and I also was reminded that emotions in a comedy are topsy-turvy – which is a major source of humor.
Positive emotions
Winning: Wendy manages to get the place in the meditation class… by destroying one of her co-workers and taking his place in the class.
Bonding: Wendy and Darwin laugh when a fellow panelist suggests that negotiations should reach a solution where both sides win. To them, that’s ridiculous.
Bonding? (Also points to their wounds): As panelists at a Negotiators convention, Wendy and Darwin demonstrate their techniques for psyching out their opponents
Winning: Wendy bribes Darwin’s mother, and in exchange she gets the secret to advanced meditation.
Surprise: Darwin thinks he’s outsmarted his mother’s arranged marriage plans by telling her he’s gay; but then she finds Gary, a suitable man for him to marry (who meets her criteria)
Courage: Darwin had always wanted to become a negotiator to prevent suicides (but his mother wouldn’t let him because there was more money in Mergers & Acquisitions). Now he gets his chance on the train to Nirvana when one of the monks realizes he’s not going to make it to total consciousness, and Darwin talks him off the ledge (Wendy tries to “help” and just makes things worse.)
Winning: Back in reality, in the negotiation, Wendy and Darwin go for the solution that allows both sides to win.
Love: Darwin is finally going to be able to stand up to his mother and tell her he’s marrying Wendy… when they find that the mother has left on a cruise with Gary (the man she intended him to marry).
Negative emotions
Distress: Wendy drives men away, even at the 1-minute dating event. She even drives her therapist crazy with her constant need to turn everything into an argument and to win.
Distress: Darwin’s mother wants him to sacrifice his life so that she will be taken care of in her old age. Darwin feels himself being guilted into it.
Betrayal: Wendy got all of the best gear to ace meditation… and then Myra has everyone shift onto their neighbor’s cushion to avoid Spiritual Materialism
Wounds: Wendy and Darwin are unable to come to terms over a proposed one-night-stand, and so each wind up alone
Betrayal: Wendy gets Darwin to tell her secrets about the upcoming negotiation, and then she uses that information to win… which leads to …
Emotional Dilemma: she can continue on in the dream where she’s winning the most important negotiation of her life, or she can get back on the train to Nirvana with Darwin.
Sacrifice: Wendy chooses to go back to the train rather than return to reality without Darwin.
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KZ’s Reveals!
Vision: To write quotable, memorable screenplays, like the ones I love, and help them get made into successful movies.
What I learned from doing this assignment is… that thinking about the reveals at the outline stage helps bring the story into focus.
Setup: Wendy participates in a one-minute dating event, where she negotiates too much
Reveal: In therapy, Wendy confesses she hasn’t had a real relationship… because she drives men away
Reveal: And then she drives the therapist crazy, too, with her cutthroat negotiations over small matters
Setup: Darwin’s mother tries to make an arranged marriage for him
Reveal: She’s trying to make sure she will be taken care of in her old age
Setup: A panelist suggests that the goal of negotiation is to reach the win/win
Reveal: Wendy and Darwin laugh heartily at such a ridiculous notion
Setup: The moderator asks Wendy and Darwin to demonstrate how they psych out an opponent
Reveal: Wendy greets him with Namaste, Darwin asks her to fetch some coffee, each trying to diminish the other (through cultural appropriation and misogyny)
Setup: Darwin brags that he’s outsmarted his mother’s arranged marriage plans by telling her he’s gay
Reveal: He comes home to find the man, Gary, she’s found for him to marry
Setup: Darwin seems to be a formidable opponent
Reveal: His real name is Robert… he changed his name to Darwin to sound more fierce because he’s actually insecure
Setup: Myra turns Wendy down for meditation: the class is full
Reveal: She manipulates a workmate so she can take his place in the class
Setup: Wendy spends a bunch of money on a fancy new meditation cushion
Reveal: Myra instructs everyone to move over a notch and use their neighbor’s cushion, so that they don’t engage in spiritual materialism
Setup: Myra congratulates Darwin on his prowess in meditation
Reveal: Wendy ambushes Darwin’s mother in order to wrangle the secret to meditation
Setup: Wendy gets a technique for meditation from Darwin’s mother
Reveal: Her abilities land her on the train to Nirvana
Setup: When you’re in Lucid Dreaming you can’t read text
Reveal: On the train, they can read the signage, so they’re not dreaming
Reveal later: Wendy can’t read documents at the negotiation, realizes she’s dreaming
Setup: There’s a potential negative limbo state in meditation called Dark Night of the Soul
Reveal: For Wendy and Darwin, the train to Nirvana is that place
Setup: Wendy and Darwin make a plan to drive the monks crazy with a tuning fork so that they’ll let them off the train
Reveal: The tuning fork makes their own teeth hurt, only makes the monks even more tranquil
Setup: Darwin dreads telling his mother that he’s leaving her to be with Wendy
Reveal: The mother has already left to go on a cruise with Gary as her companion
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KZ’s Character Action Tracks
Vision: to write quotable, memorable scripts (like the ones I love), and help them get made into successful films.
What I learned from this assignment is where there are areas that still need more development. For instance, I need more actions for my Antagonist, which will come about as I develop the plot.
WENDY (Protagonist)
On her way to work, Wendy sees a kid being abused by his mother. She intervenes with tough negotiation.
Then we see her ruthless side: as she steps into a negotiation, her boss advises her to “go for the jugular” and we see the end result: her opponent is in tears, and her boss high-fives her.
Wendy has her assistant obtain high-end meditation gear, including a very expensive Zafu cushion. Wendy advises her assistant never to say I love you first, unless you plan to be his love slave for the rest of your life.
Wendy wants to join Myra’s meditation class, but is told the class is full. Wendy tries her negotiation tactics on Myra, but can’t get past Myra’s serenity. Wendy spies Darwin for the first time and is smitten. She leans on a junior member of her team to give up his slot so that she can join the class.
Ignoring Myra’s instructions, Wendy insists on meditating with her handbag strap hooked around her ankle. To emphasize oneness, Myra tells everyone to shift their Zafu to the person to their right. Wendy is furious to give up her fancy cushion for a decidedly ratty one.
Wendy has her assistant, or maybe a private detective, supply her with backgrounders on her opponents… and now she adds Myra to the list.
Wendy speaks on a panel at a Negotiators’ conference, and Darwin is on the same panel. There’s a discussion about throwing one’s opponent off his game, which the other two on the panel don’t do because they always look for the win/win. Wendy demonstrates, using Darwin as her target. She says “Namaste” – telling the crowd that cultural appropriation can infuriate an opponent. She hits below the belt when she reveals she heard Darwin talking to his mother, and implies, cruelly, while smiling, that he’s a Mama’s boy.
At a game of strip poker, Wendy and Darwin are the only clothed ones left. Neither wants to admit attraction, which would put them in a weak position. Wendy tries to negotiate a hook up without seeming too interested. They can’t come to terms.
Darwin wants ____________ of Wendy’s – she trades for him giving her a secret of meditation: “observe the observer”. Wendy tries the technique and aces it. She may let out a victory whoop, disrupting the class.
Wendy is assigned a primo negotiation – the acquisition of a technology company. Her opponent will be Darwin. Wendy asks her P.I. to put together a backgrounder.
Before class, Wendy receives the dossier. She informs Darwin that they’ll be facing off… if his mother will allow it.
Wendy aces meditation and winds up on the train to Nirvana. She immediately tries to find the manager to complain.
DARWIN (Antagonist)
Wins a negotiation but surrenders to his mother’s will.
Despairs that he’s headed towards an arranged marriage with a woman of his mother’s choosing.
At the Negotiator’s conference, after Wendy insults him with “Namaste,” he asks her to get him a cup of coffee.
Darwin tells Wendy that he orchestrated her participation because he knew he could beat her.
Darwin explains that the Nirvana train is part of the “Dark Night of the Soul.”
MYRA (triangle)
Myra treats her students who feel entitled as though they’re petulant children.
Myra meets every situation with a beaming smile and equanimity
Myra “incorporates” sounds and events into her meditation.
Always sees the good in people, even when their intentions are evil.
Myra educates Wendy and Darwin about Samsara, and urges them to give up their suffering and stay on the train to Nirvana.
Myra recruits a monk on the train to show them how unhappy their lives are, to convince them to leave them behind.
Myra claims that there’s nothing she regrets leaving behind. She only hopes someone will feed her cat.
Myra challenges Darwin’s characterization of the Dark Night of the Soul, and offers instead the idea that One Man’s Ceiling is Another Man’s Floor
Myra outsmarts Wendy and Darwin’s attempts to sabotage the trip to Nirvana.
When Wendy and Darwin do sabotage her trip to Nirvana, Myra uncharacteristically has the meltdown that the audience has been waiting for.
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KZ’s NEW OUTLINE BEATS
Vision: To create quotable, memorable screenplays (like the ones I love), and help them get made into successful movies.
What I learned from doing this assignment is… that I usually get impatient at this point and start writing scenes. So outlining must be a weakness that I’ve been trying to avoid.
Also… I’ve fallen behind because of some demanding situations at my “survival job” so I’m going to do as Hal suggested and just post what I’ve got with the idea of going back and adding more later on.
Opening: Opening: Warren Buffet divulges his secret for success: Meditation! It gives him a mental edge over his competitors. Result? Myra’s class is full of business types, jockeying for position.
ACT 1 – Wendy and Darwin, 30s, are skilled negotiators, known for their abilities in the business world. They are both in Myra’s class to gain an edge in negotiation.
Act 1:
Wendy PJ1
We see Wendy negotiating in a low-stakes situation as though her life depended on it. When Myra says there’s no room in the class, she brings down the hammer until she gets her way, leaving Myra feeling a bit shaken. In the class, she notices Darwin, who is as gorgeous as an Indian prince.
Darwin AJ1
Darwin comes off a high-stakes hostage situation where he negotiated a surrender. But then he gets a call from his mother who insists he come home for dinner to meet a young woman she wants him to marry. He reluctantly obeys. He can negotiate anything, but he can’t ever win against his mother.
PJ 2 / AJ 2
Wendy attends a Negotiators conference where she is a guest speaker… and so is Darwin. They are asked to give a demonstration negotiation. They each try to psych out the other. Darwin asks her to get him coffee. She (having overheard him on the phone with his mother) mocks him for being a mama’s boy. They’re both tough at the negotiation table and the demo is deemed a draw.
PJ3 / AJ3
Afterwards, Wendy and Darwin are invited to a party, which winds up in a game of strip poker. The others have all lost their clothes, but Wendy and Darwin are left fully clothed as others go off to enjoy their nakedness.Wendy and Darwin can’t negotiate terms about how lovemaking will be conducted. Who would be dominant. Whose needs would be met first. Darwin reveals a sad side: women want to use him like a boy toy, but don’t get to know the real him. So they wind up back in their own rooms, alone.
PJ5 / Wendy’s boss assigns her to an upcoming negotiation where he needs “a killer.” She’ll be facing off with Darwin, who will represent the opposition. Wendy and Darwin find out they’ll be facing each other in an upcoming negotiation. They have each been chosen for their cutthroat, scorched earth, merciless desire to win.
PJ 6
In meditation class, Wendy informs Darwin that they’re going to be facing off in a negotiation and that he shouldn’t count on her being soft because of their mutual attraction.AJ 5
Darwin lets her know that he manipulated it so that he would be facing off with her, and that he let her win the negotiation at the conference because he knows he can win against her. And, by the way, he’s not attracted to her.
TURNING POINT: Wendy, Darwin and Myra all “ace” the recording of the guided meditation where they “observe the observer,” and they all three wind up on the train to Nirvana.
Act 2: Myra wants to stay in Nirvana. Darwin and Wendy want to leave. Myra tries to convince them that they should want to be in Nirvana, rather than ensconced in Samsara, the pain of living.
Are they able to see scenes from their lives? Are these shown on a movie screen by a monk who is also on the train to Nirvana?
Are private things revealed about them, things that at first they intend to use against each other in the upcoming negotiation?
Wendy and Darwin team up to defeat Myra, who insists that they all need to stay to achieve her ideal of living in Nirvana; but the negotiators can’t help double-crossing each other as they try to win what they have been told is the one seat back to reality.
PJ – Wendy double crosses Darwin, he double crosses Wendy, they wind up in a lucid dream where they each believe they have gotten the better of the other and arrive at the negotiation with the secret that will give them victory. Darwin notices the documents aren’t readable and breaks the news to Wendy: they’re dreaming.
TURNING POINT: Wendy and Darwin realize that they’ll have to work for a win/win or they’ll never get out of here.
Deeper Layer: They’ll be stuck in limbo until they learn to work together.
Act 3 – By helping Myra get what she wants, rather than constantly opposing her, Wendy and Darwin help themselves.
Act 4 – Wendy and Darwin make it back to reality, where no time has passed. They face off at the negotiating table, but disappoint their bosses by going for a “win/win” solution that is good for everyone.
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KZ’s BEAT SHEET – DRAFT 1
Vision: To create quotable, memorable screenplays (like the ones I love), and help them get made into successful movies.
What I learned from doing this assignment is… that I was veering off into the desire for perfection, or at least quality, or wanting all the answers up front. Then I listened to Hal’s audio session and decided to follow his advice of filling in the blanks even if they’re not perfect. That’s difficult for me. So I’m moving on to the next lesson with the idea that I’ll be able to fill in the blanks of the Beat Sheet as I move farther into the process.
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Act 1: Wendy and Darwin find out they’ll be facing each other in an upcoming negotiation. They have each been chosen for their cutthroat, scorched earth, merciless desire to win.
Wendy PJ1
We see Wendy negotiating in a low-stakes situation as though her life depended on it. When Myra says there’s no room in the class, she brings down the hammer until she gets her way, leaving Myra feeling a bit shaken. In the class, she notices Darwin, who is as gorgeous as an Indian prince.
Darwin AJ1
Darwin comes off a high-stakes hostage situation where he negotiated a surrender. But then he gets a call from his mother who insists he come home for dinner to meet a young woman she wants him to marry. He reluctantly obeys. He can negotiate anything, but he can’t ever win against his mother.
PJ 2 / AJ 2
Wendy attends a Negotiators conference where she is a guest speaker… and so is Darwin. They are asked to give a demonstration negotiation. They each try to psych out the other. Darwin asks her to get him coffee. She (having overheard him on the phone with his mother) mocks him for being a mama’s boy. They’re both tough at the negotiation table and the demo is deemed a draw.
PJ3 / AJ3
Afterwards, Wendy and Darwin are invited to a party, which winds up in a game of strip poker. The others have all lost their clothes, but Wendy and Darwin are left fully clothed as others go off to enjoy their nakedness.
PJ4 / AJ4
Wendy and Darwin can’t come to terms about how lovemaking will be conducted. Who will be dominant. Whose needs will be met first. Darwin reveals a sad side: women want to use him like a boy toy, but don’t get to know the real him. So they wind up back in their own rooms, alone.
PJ5 / Wendy’s boss assigns her to an upcoming negotiation where he needs “a killer.” She’ll be facing off with Darwin, who will represent the opposition.
PJ 6
In meditation class, Wendy informs Darwin that they’re going to be facing off in a negotiation and that he shouldn’t count on her being soft because of their mutual attraction.AJ 5
Darwin lets her know that he manipulated it so that he would be facing off with her, and that he let her win the negotiation at the conference because he knows he can win against her. And that he’s not attracted to her.
TURNING POINT: Wendy, Darwin and Myra all “ace” the recording of the guided meditation where they “observe the observer,” and they all three wind up on the train to Nirvana.
Act 2: Myra wants to stay in Nirvana. Darwin and Wendy want to leave.
Wendy and Darwin team up to defeat Myra, double-cross each other, and win what they have been told is the one seat back to reality.
PJ – Wendy double crosses Darwin, he double crosses Wendy, they wind up in a lucid dream where they each believe they have gotten the better of the other and arrive at the negotiation with the secret that will give them victory. Darwin notices the documents aren’t readable and breaks the news to Wendy. They’re dreaming.
TURNING POINT: Wendy and Darwin realize that they’ll have to work for a win/win or they’ll never get out of here. And that means helping Myra get what she wants, rather than constantly opposing her. In helping Myra, they help themselves.
Deeper Layer: They’ll be stuck in limbo until they learn to work together.
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KZ’s Deeper Layer
Vision: To write quotable, memorable screenplays (like the ones I love), and help them get made into successful movies.
What I learned from doing this assignment is… well, though I can see it in the examples, I’m not sure I understand my movie’s deeper layer. So if I gain more insight, my answers may change.
Surface Layer: two cutthroat negotiators in a meditation class
Deeper Layer: they meditate their way onto the train bound for Nirvana, along with their meditation instructor, Myra
Major reveal: the only way back is to cultivate a win-win mentality
Influences surface story: From the beginning, Myra knows how they can return to reality, but she wants them to learn a lesson
Hints: the shift happened when they reached the part in the meditation where they “observe the observer”
Changes reality: They try double crossing each other and fail, so they have to work together.
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KZ’s CHARACTER STRUCTURE
Vision: To write quotable, memorable screenplays and see them made into successful films.
What I learned doing this assignment is: this point of the outline feels awkward because there are still so many questions to answer.
PROTAGONIST: WENDY
Beginning: Wendy is a cutthroat negotiator who feels like she hasn’t won unless the other guy loses.
Inciting incident: What propels them on their journey?
After negotiating, she sleeps with Darwin, but she ultimately feels that he got the better of her. Then she discovers that Darwin will be her opponent in a high-stakes negotiation.Turning Point 1: Wendy and Darwin, along with Myra, ace meditation to the point that they wind up in Nirvana. (Myra, on purpose, Wendy and Darwin by accident)
Act 2: The character has a normal response to this change in their lives.
Wendy thinks she’ll get info from Darwin to win the negotiation, and double cross him to get back to reality.
Turning point – Midpoint: A twist that causes everything to change but keeps the character on the same journey
Wendy takes the info she got from Darwin and leaves him where he is, returning to the negotiation table to face his replacement; only to find out it’s an illusion. She’s back on the Nirvana train.
Act 3
Wendy realizes she’s going to have to cultivate the qualities she lacks (honesty, trust) or else she’ll never get back to reality.
Turning point 3 – Another major twist that takes them to the biggest conflict
Wendy and Darwin work together to convince the conductor of the Nirvana train to let them leave. An act of selflessness allows them to return.
(Myra as good witch? You had the power all along?)
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4<sup>th</sup> Act Climax – the ultimate experience/expression of this conflict
Wendy and Darwin face each other at the negotiation table, but go for the win/win solution.
ANTAGONIST: DARWIN
Beginning: Darwin is a cutthroat negotiator who uses his looks and intuition to gain an advantage in negotiations, but he can’t win against his mother, who is determined to arrange his marriage to a girl from India
Inciting incident: What propels them on their journey?
Darwin reveals the secret of deep meditation to Wendy in order to sleep with her. Then he discovers that Wendy will be his opponent in a high-stakes negotiation.Turning Point 1: Wendy and Darwin, along with Myra, ace meditation to the point that they wind up in Nirvana. (Myra, on purpose, Wendy and Darwin by accident)
Act 2: The character has a normal response to this change in their lives.
Darwin also double crosses Wendy to get back to reality.
Turning point – Midpoint: A twist that causes everything to change but keeps the character on the same journey
Darwin fails at the double-cross and is back on the Nirvana train.
Act 3
Darwin realizes he’s going to have to cultivate the qualities he lacks (honesty, trust) or else he’ll never get back to reality.
Turning point 3 – Another major twist that takes them to the biggest conflict
Darwin and Wendy work together to negotiate their release.
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4<sup>th</sup> Act Climax – the ultimate experience/expression of this conflict
Darwin and Wendy make it back to the negotiation table, but horrify their bosses by going for the win/win solution.
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KZ’s Supporting Characters
Vision: To write quotable, memorable screenplays (like the ones I love) and see them made into successful movies.
What I learned doing this assignment: To plug in answers without waiting for them to be absolutely right, and to revise them as the plot comes into focus.Tell us your supporting and background characters.
• Supporting Characters: Darwin’s mother, Wendy’s friend in the meditation class, a poor relation of Wendy’s, the girl Darwin’s mother wants him to marry, a competitor of Myra’s, Wendy’s therapist
• Background Characters: the other business students taking meditation, the other participants at a conference, characters in Nirvana?
Focusing on those supporting characters, fill in the basic profile for each.
Support 1:
• Name: Mrs. ______________
• Role: Darwin’s Mother
• Main purpose: To oppress Darwin
• Value: She provides the “Bellamy” in the rom-com by trying to pair Darwin with the wrong girl.Support 2:
• Name: ________________
• Role: Wendy’s best friend
• Main purpose: Sounding board
• Value: She allows us to hear Wendy’s thoughtsSupport 3:
• Name: Dr. _________
• Role: Therapist
• Main purpose: Reality check
• Value: They put Wendy’s actions in contextSupport 4:
• Name: ______________
• Role: Wendy’s poor relation
• Main purpose: She exposes Wendy’s lie
• Value: Wendy shows her soft side, even while trying to hide this person’s existence -
KZ’s Character Profiles, Part 2
Vision: To write quotable, memorable screenplays (like the ones I love) and see them made into successful movies.
What I learned doing this assignment: To plug in answers without waiting for them to be absolutely right, and revising them as you go along.
WENDY
A. The high concept:
Rival cutthroat negotiators ace meditation and get stuck in NirvanaB. Wendy’s Journey
From cutthroat negotiator to one who looks for the Win-Win solutionC. Actor Attractors
- Wendy has a compelling arc. Her range-of-change allows her to learn how to be a strong person without being brutal.
- She’s not aware of her failings – to the extent that she treats every interaction as though it were a high-stakes negotiation and drives people away.
1. Role in story: Protagonist
2. Age range and description: Early 30s, attractive with sharp edges: blunt haircut, conservative dress suits.
3. Core traits: Imperious, manipulative, lonely, humorous
4. Motivation: To win. Want/Need: To love and be loved.
5. Wound: Her college boyfriend slept with her roommate, and she vowed never to trust anyone again.
6: Likability: Wendy negotiates on behalf of a kid who’s being mistreated
Relatability: She’s succeeding in a world of men, but she still gets dissed (a competitor asks her to get the coffee, which he knows will get under her skin)
Empathy: Wendy is alone and tends to scare off men because of her superior intellect and ability to win every argument. We see her express loneliness, and then her therapist says something judgmental and she pins him down in an argument, proving exactly why she has trouble with men.7. Character Subtext: Hiding something:
Wendy hides that she comes from a poor family and affects being from the aristocracy8. Character Intrigue: Hidden agenda:
Wendy collects facts on others to be used against them in negotiations9. Flaw: Overdoing things
She can’t ever stop negotiating, which drives people away, since they lose interest when they can’t ever win.10: Values: Winning
She puts winning ahead of everything11. Character Dilemma: Winning versus being loved
She wants both thingsDARWIN
A. The high concept: Rival cutthroat negotiators ace meditation and get stuck in Nirvana
B. Darwin’s Journey
From cutthroat negotiator to one who looks for the Win-Win solutionC. Actor Attractors
- Darwin has a compelling subtext. He seems to be nice, but he uses flattery to gain an advantage in negotiation.
- His mother gets the better of him
1. Role in story: Antagonist / love interest
2. Age range and description: Early 30s, he looks like an Indian prince
3. Core traits: Smooth, manipulative, lonely, insecure
4. Motivation: To win. Want/Need: To love and be loved.
5. Wound: His older brother was always the perfect one in his mother’s eyes
6: Likability: Darwin is a good looking guy, who’s constantly being hit on by others
Relatability: Darwin has trouble with his mother, who wants to control his life
Empathy: He compliments Wendy and she steps on him (we realize later that he uses flattery to get what he wants)
7. Character Subtext: Luring/Seducing
He knows he’s attractive and he uses that8. Character Intrigue: Unspoken wound
His mother’s overbearing personality has made him insecure9. Flaw: Undervalues himself
Even as he uses his talents, he has low self-esteem10: Values: Winning
He has been taught that if he doesn’t win, he’s nothing11. Character Dilemma:
Wanting external admiration versus loving yourselfMYRA
A. The high concept: Rival cutthroat negotiators ace meditation and get stuck in Nirvana
B. Myra’s Journey
From superficially serene yogi to true serenity
C. Actor Attractors- Myra’s subtext is that she thinks herself enlightened, but can’t see her blind spots
- Everything that Myra does is positively motivated
1. Role in story: Triangle character
2. Age range and description: 40s, frumpy, serene, big bosom, wears muumuus.
3. Core traits: Nurturing, kind, impatient, smiles constantly
4. Motivation: To gain enlightenment. Want/Need: To share her insights.
5. Wound: She had an anger problem and turned to meditation to gain control
6: Likability: Myra genuinely cares about others
Relatability: She tries to find serenity in a world that is definitely not serene
Empathy: Myra lives alone with her cat and her good intentions are often rejected.7. Character Subtext:
She suppresses natural human emotions, such as anger8. Character Intrigue: Competition
She wants to make it to Nirvana, all the while fooling herself that she wants nothing9. Flaw: Can’t look at her fears. She just wants to tune them out and live in nothingness
10: Values: Love
11. Character Dilemma: Achievement vs. enlightenment
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KZ’s Character Profiles, Part 1
Vision: To write quotable, memorable screenplays (like the ones I’m so fond of) and see them made into successful movies.
What I learned doing this assignment: the steps to building a three-dimensional character.
WENDY
A. The high concept:
Rival cutthroat negotiators get stuck in NirvanaB. Wendy’s Journey
From cutthroat negotiator to one who looks for the Win-Win solution
C. Actor Attractors
• Wendy has a compelling arc. Her range-of-change allows her to learn how to be a strong person without being brutal.
• She’s not aware of her failings – to the extent that she treats every interaction as though it were a high-stakes negotiation and drives people away.
1. Role in story: Protagonist
2. Age range and description: Early 30s, attractive with sharp edges: blunt haircut, conservative dress suits.
3. Core traits: Imperious, manipulative, lonely, humorous
4. Motivation: To win. Want/Need: To love and be loved.
5. Wound: Her college boyfriend slept with her roommate, and she vowed never to trust anyone again.
6: Likability: Wendy negotiates on behalf of a kid who’s being mistreated
Relatability: She’s succeeding in a world of men, but she still gets dissed (a competitor asks her to get the coffee, which he knows will get under her skin)
Empathy: Wendy is alone and tends to scare off men because of her superior intellect and ability to win every argument. We see her express loneliness, and then her therapist says something judgmental and she pins him down in an argument, proving exactly why she has trouble with men.
DARWIN
A. The high concept:
Rival cutthroat negotiators get stuck in NirvanaB. Darwin’s Journey
From cutthroat negotiator to one who looks for the Win-Win solution
C. Actor Attractors
• Darwin has a compelling subtext. He seems to be nice, but he uses flattery to gain an advantage in negotiation.
• His mother gets the better of him
1. Role in story: Antagonist
2. Age range and description: Early 30s, he looks like an Indian prince
3. Core traits: Smooth, manipulative, lonely, insecure
4. Motivation: To win. Want/Need: To love and be loved.
5. Wound: His older brother was always the perfect one in his mother’s eyes
6: Likability: Darwin is a good looking guy, who’s constantly being hit on by others, but he’s not vain, he just uses his looks like an asset
Relatability: Darwin has trouble with his mother, who wants to control his life
Empathy: He compliments Wendy and she steps on him (we realize later that he uses flattery to get what he wants)
MYRA
A. The high concept:
Rival cutthroat negotiators get stuck in NirvanaB. Myra’s Journey
From superficially serene yogi to true serenity
C. Actor Attractors
• Myra’s subtext is that she thinks herself enlightened, but can’t see her blind spots
• Everything that Myra does is positively motivated
1. Role in story: Triangle character
2. Age range and description: 40s, frumpy, serene, big bosom, wears muumuus.
3. Core traits: Nurturing, kind, impatient, smiles constantly
4. Motivation: To gain enlightenment. Want/Need: To share her insights/ to be respected
5. Wound: She had an anger problem and turned to meditation to gain control
6: Likability: Myra genuinely cares about others
Relatability: She tries to find serenity in a world that is definitely not serene
Empathy: Myra lives alone with her cat and her good intentions are often rejected.
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KZ’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy
Vision: To master screenwriting to the point that I can take my ideas and turn them into a brilliant, salable scripts.
What I learned doing this assignment: the qualities that make us like a fictional character aren’t necessarily the same ones that translate into likability in real life.
Protagonist: WENDY
Likability: Wendy negotiates on behalf of a kid who’s being mistreated
Relatability: Wendy holds her own in a world full of men, but she still gets dissed (Some guy asks her to get the coffee, not realizing she’s a high-powered negotiator)
Empathy: Wendy is alone and tends to scare off men because of her superior intellect and ability to win every argument. We see her express loneliness, and then her therapist says something judgmental and she pins him down in an argument, proving exactly why she has trouble with men.
Antagonist: DARWIN
Likability: Darwin is a good looking guy, who’s constantly being hit on by others
Relatability: Darwin has trouble with his mother, who wants to control his life
Empathy: He compliments Wendy and she steps on him (we realize later that he uses flattery to get what he wants)
Oppression: MYRA
Likability: Myra is eternally optimistic
Relatability: Myra has blind spots to her faults and her rationalizations
Empathy: Myra lives alone with her cat.
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KZ’s Character Intrigue
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn any of my ideas into a salable script.
What I learned: That part of the process is plugging in answers that may change later on, rather than trying to figure everything out ahead of time.
Character Name: WENDY
Role: Protagonist
Hidden agendas: Wendy is trying to get a key piece of information from Darwin so that she can get back to reality and ace the negotiation.
Competition: Wendy goes scorched earth with negotiations
Secrets: Wendy pretends that she’s high class, but she was raised in a trailer park.
Deception: She deceives Myra in an attempt to turn the Nirvana train around.
Character Name: DARWIN
Role: ANTAGONIST
Hidden agendas: Darwin is trying to get information from Wendy to use in the negotiation
Competition: Darwin feels that he can only win if someone else loses
Deception: Darwin uses flattery to get what he wants
Unspoken Wound: Darwin is under the thumb of his mother
Character Name: MYRA
Role: Triangle character? The oppression?
Hidden agendas: To stay in Nirvana at all costs
Competition: She’s in competition with other yogis, but she doesn’t admit to it.
Deception: She claims to have achieved a state of no thoughts, but in fact she does have thoughts.
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Vision: To master screenwriting and be able to turn my many ideas into salable scripts.
What I learned from doing this assignment: Thinking through the subtext ahead of time helps generate plot ideas.
With your example movie, give us the following answers for the character with the most subtext:
Movie Title: BRINGING UP BABY
Character Name: Susan Vance
Subtext Identity: The seducer
Subtext Trait: Scheming
Subtext Logline: Susan is in love with David and does everything she can to keep him from marrying Miss Swallow
Possible Areas of Subtext: Pretends to be attacked by the (tame) leopard so that he’ll help her. Convinces him to come with her to her Aunt’s home. Sends his suit to be cleaned while he’s in the shower so he can’t leave. Makes him completely undesirable to Miss Swallow, so that she drops him.
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Character Name: WENDY
Subtext Identity: Blackmailer, Competitor
Subtext Trait: Duplicitous
Subtext Logline: Wendy is a ruthless competitor who finds people’s weaknesses and uses the information to win negotiations
Possible Areas of Subtext: Wendy negotiates in low-stakes situations that she treats as though it’s life and death. She tries to negotiate Darwin into bed at a conference, but can’t come to terms. She tries to get information out of Darwin that will benefit her in the upcoming negotiation. On the Nirvana train, she double crosses Darwin when she thinks she’ll be able to return to reality without him. She negotiates with Myra to force her to take them back to reality.
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Character Name: DARWIN
Subtext Identity: Seducer, Competitor
Subtext Trait: Manipulative
Subtext Logline: Darwin is a ruthless competitor who targets people’s vanity and uses flattery and seduction to win negotiations
Possible Areas of Subtext: Negotiates with his mother, who wants to arrange a marriage for him with a nice Indian girl. Tries to seduce Wendy at a conference, but their negotiations cancel each other out. Flatters Myra in an attempt to get her to return him to reality. Attempts to get information out of Wendy that can be used in the upcoming negotiation.
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Character Name: MYRA
Subtext Identity: Suppresses her natural tendencies
Subtext Trait: Competitor (in her own way)
Subtext Logline: Myra is a well-meaning spiritual egotist who thinks she’s not competitive, but who actually is.
Possible Areas of Subtext: Forces her mind to go blank when she’s confronted with unpleasantness. Meditates at inopportune moments.
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KZ’s Actor Attractors
Vision: To master screenwriting and be able to turn my many ideas into salable scripts.
What I learned doing this assignment is not to wait until I have all the answers, but to start filling in the blanks.
Lead Character Name: WENDY
Role: PROTAGONIST
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Wendy has a compelling arc: a woman who has totally closed off her heart and who is a cutthroat negotiator in even the most mundane circumstances is changed by her experience in Nirvana, and comes back as a negotiator who looks for ways both sides can win.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
- Wendy is a master negotiator who can never allow herself to lose.
- Maybe we see the one person or pet who brings out her soft side.
- Wendy can’t think why she doesn’t have more friends.
- Maybe she even uses scorched earth negotiation tactics with her therapist.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
- Negotiating to the extreme, even when the prize is casual sex
- Outwitting Darwin to be the one to make it back to reality.
- Learning about the Oneness of all things
- Talking a guy out of jumping from a tall building.
- Is there anyone in her life that she’s subservient to?
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
Show Wendy’s ruthlessness when it comes to negotiating. Show her in an incongruent negotiation. She’s pulling out all the stops for something that most people would just let go as not worth fighting over.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
Sly to explicit. Confident to insecure. Cynical to sincere. Closed off to vulnerable. Snooty to exposed.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
Neediness, loneliness under her hard shell. Pretending to be high class when she was born to modest circumstances.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
- Her competition with Darwin
- Her powerlessness with Myra (who smiles, nodding, then says “I’m not listening to a word you’re saying”)
- Maybe a relationship with a lowlife family member who she tries to keep hidden.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Maybe she has a voice that she has forced to be accent-free, but the accent comes back at times when she’s under stress.
9. What could make this character special and unique?
She never wants anyone to see her in a moment of weakness, and takes that to an extreme. Things she considers “weak” are just quotidian life to most people.
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Lead Character Name: DARWIN
Role: ANTAGONIST
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
The implied character arc: Darwin will stop at nothing to get his way, and yet he has some decent traits underneath. So we root for him to have an awakening.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Darwin is a master negotiator who also can never allow himself to lose.
Darwin’s forte is finding out personal things about his opponent and using them on him.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Darwin gets into people’s heads and makes them doubt themselves.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
Also show Darwin in an incongruent negotiation, pulling out all the stops for something that most people would just let it go – but using a different technique. Using personal knowledge to make his opponent submit.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
Manipulator to manipulated. Sly to insecure. Invincible to vulnerable.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
Gets the goods on people to use on them later.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
- Attraction and competition with Wendy.
- Browbeaten by his mother, he has to resort to subterfuge.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Super intelligent, refined, disciplined
9. What could make this character special and unique?
(I’ll have to think about that)
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Lead Character Name: MYRA
Role: OPPRESSIVE FORCE1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Here is an opportunity to simultaneously send up and revere the Earth Mothers of the world.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Myra is very sure of her place in the universe. She thinks Reiki is the cure for everything.
3. What are the most interesting actions the triangle character could take in the script?
Helping Wendy and Darwin discover truths about themselves.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
Show Myra trusting in the universe, and rationalizing any number of things, shoe-horning events into her worldview.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
Simpering to judgmental. Kind to frustrated. Even-keeled to grasping.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
Though she tries to be above it all, she’s actually hurt when others don’t believe what she believes.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
With her true-believer students as compared with her business shark students who are pretending to buy into it.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Overly kind, overly careful not to offend.
9. What could make this character special and unique?
- Her unflappable nature.
- Her conviction that she is all powerful.
- Her devotion to the Law Of Attraction.
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KZ’s Actor Attractors for BRINGING UP BABY
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn any of my ideas into a salable script.
What I learned doing this assignment: that it’s easier to recognize Actor Attractors in finished movies than in my own script. So to get a little more practice, I decided to analyze my favorite comedy of all time.
LEAD CHARACTER NAME: SUSAN VANCE
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
This is a witty, well-written screwball (romantic) comedy, written for Katherine Hepburn, and ideal for showing off her comic skills.2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
Susan Vance is absolutely unreasonable, yet sees herself as well-grounded and logical.3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?
- Usurping David’s golf ball, then his car, when they first meet.
- Pretending to be attacked by a (tame) leopard in order to get David to come to her apartment.
- Stealing a car.
- Sending David’s suit to be cleaned while he’s in the shower, thinking that if he has no clothes, he can’t leave to marry the “Bellamy.”
- Hitting Mr. Peabody, the lawyer, in the head with a rock so that David is associated with it.
- Tearing David’s suit.
- Opening the box containing a rare dinosaur bone, which leads to George, the dog, stealing it.
- Searching with David for the bone.
- Cooking one of his socks while trying to dry it over a campfire.
- Ruining his reputation with her Aunt, telling her he has mental issues.
- Telling her Aunt that his name is Mr. Bone without telling him, so that he seems insane when he doesn’t recognize his own name.
- Getting David and herself arrested, and then causing her Aunt, the gardener, and the dinner guest to be arrested, until Mr. Peabody shows up to have them all released.
- Pretending to be a gangster to get out of jail.
- Returning to the jail with a dangerous leopard, which she has mistaken for “Baby.”
- Achieving her goal of ruining David’s relationship with his fiancée.
- Causing David’s Brontosaurus to collapse.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
The first encounter between Susan and David is funny, when she claims his golfball as her own, and then does the same with his car, all the while believing she’s the rational one and he’s in the wrong. The best scene that really shows off both actors’ comedic abilities is the second encounter in the country club dining room.5. What is this character’s emotional range?
Obtuse to conniving. Helpless to resourceful. Dismissive to lovesick. Accusing to contrite.6. What subtext can the actor play?
Accusing him of something she’s done, shifting the blame. Saying “I love you” while seeming to talk about something else. Pretending to reunite him with his fiancee, Miss Swallow, while doing everything she can to disrupt his pending wedding.7. What are the most interesting relationships this character has?
- With David, her antagonist and love interest.
- With Aunt Elizabeth, from whom both she and David are competing for a gift of $1 million.
- With the Sheriff, whom she tricks by pretending to be a gangster.
- With the psychiatrist, who is convinced she is crazy.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
As an upper-crust eccentric.9. What makes this character special and unique?
She’s completely wacky, but convinced she’s completely sane.10. In David’s second encounter with his nemesis, Susan is standing at the bar practicing tossing olives, then catching them in her mouth. She misses as David arrives for a lunch date with Mr. Peabody, the lawyer who is advising Susan’s Aunt Elizabeth about where she should bestow a gift of $1 million, which David needs to continue his important work reconstructing dinosaurs. Susan drops the olive and David steps on it, causing him to fall and flatten his top hat. Susan picks up the psychiatrist’s wife’s purse, mistaking it for her own, and then hands it to David to hold, so that he gets accused of stealing the purse. As David tries to get away from Susan, she pulls on the tails of his coat, ripping it, and says famously, “Oh, you’ve torn your coat.” They argue and she leaves in a huff, not realizing he’s standing on the hem of her dress, so that the back rips off, exposing her underwear. He has to press up against her to hide her drawers, and the two leave in lockstep, passing the bewildered Mr. Peabody, who is becoming less and less likely to recommend David as the recipient of the grant.
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KZ’s Actor Attractors for PRIVATE BENJAMIN
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can turn any of my ideas into a salable script.
What I learned doing this assignment: that when I slowed down to really think about the answers to these questions, I could analyze the script, and not find myself swept up in the story as a member of the audience. Sometimes I think I understand a film, but watching mindfully and critically is quite different from just watching the movie, no matter how many times I’ve seen it. Though I had seen this movie long ago, I didn’t remember anything about it.
LEAD CHARACTER NAME: JUDY BENJAMIN
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
The movie was released two years after (and even references) AN UNMARRIED WOMAN. This is a comedic version of the same journey, the subservient woman who finds her power without relying on men. (Later in the film, Judy cleans up dog pee for her French boyfriend, referencing the moment Jill Clayburgh wiped dog poop off her husband’s shoe.) It fits into the Independent Woman model, along with DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN, ALIEN, and THELMA AND LOUISE. It made Goldie Hawn look good.2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
Judy Benjamin’s arc promises to be satisfying from the beginning.
All of the men in her life—from her groom requesting a BJ in the parking lot to relieve his headache, to her father ignoring her and not believing in her potential, to the recruiter feeding her lies about what the army will be like—they all treat her terribly… and she takes it.3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?
Deciding to stick it out in the army, rather than running home to her parents
Leading her squad and making strategic decisions in the war games
Leaving her third groom at the altar and setting out on her own.4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
Judy Benjamin is introduced at the altar, embarking on wedlock for the second time, marrying a “professional” which had always been her dream. (The groom is a lawyer who advises clients on pre-nuptial agreements.) She’s totally clueless and subservient. Actually, that wouldn’t sell the actor unless there was the implicit arc of becoming empowered. Most likely, the first scene that sold Goldie Hawn on the part was the hilarious scene with her Captain, when Judy complains about everything, especially how disgusting the toilets are. This scene allowed the actor to play a completely entitled, clueless character to perfection. The Captain asks to see her toothbrush. Next shot is Judy on her knees cleaning the toilets with her fancy electric toothbrush.5. What is this character’s emotional range?
Childish glee to abject grief. Entitlement to rebellion to discipline. Dependent on romantic love to self-sufficiency. From “I tried to take my life into my own hands. It was a mistake” to “Not so fast.”6. What subtext can the actor play?
Disappointment and resignation as she goes along with the humiliations the men in her life dish out.
Saying “I love you” to romantic interests and parents alike with the implicit bargain that she will be taken care of.
Determination as she rejects the discharge from the army offered by her parents and her captain.
Self-realization around the campfire with her platoon as she jokingly reveals her past sex life and that she’s never had an orgasm.
Personal growth as she rejects another marriage with another boy-man intent on subjecting her to his will.7. What are the most interesting relationships this character has?
With her antagonist, Captain Doreen Lewis
With her adversarial bootcamp-mates, Private Gianelli and Private Winter
With her new love interest, Henri. She tells him she can’t sleep with him till she knows him better. He starts to list facts about himself, and gets to “I’m Jewish.” Next shot, they’re in the throes of lovemaking – where she finally gets that orgasm.8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
As a whining, spoiled princess who gradually becomes empowered and learns to take life into her own hands.9. What makes this character special and unique?
Even though Judy Benjamin is morally repulsive at the beginning of the film, she has a certain naive charm as played by Goldie Hawn. We want to see this character learn some lessons, get slapped around by life a bit, have her entitlement stripped away. The incongruity of a pampered princess having to go through bootcamp is full of comic potential.10. In the third act, Judy has slipped back into her ways of old, appeasing the man in her life though he humiliates her. As she stands at the altar, about to tie the knot with Henri, she looks at him and sees the other men in her life: her second groom, Yale, smiling at her smugly; her father lecturing her; the moment when Henri gets her to sign a pre-nup—written in French so she can’t understand it—at a restaurant. When it comes time for her to say “I do,” she says, “Not so fast.” As Henri tries to talk her out of leaving, and then demeans her in front of the assembled wedding guests, she punches him out. She walks outside and flings off her veil, then stalks away down the beautiful arbored path in her wedding dress.
Inciting incident – her parents come to pick her up and treat her like a child. “You are incapable of making your own decisions.” (her father) The Captain is happy to get rid of her. Judy looks from one to the other, (you can see the gears turning) and decides to stick it out.
EILEEN BRENNAN – CAPTAIN DOREEN LEWIS (Antagonist)
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
Captain Lewis is a strong woman in a job traditionally held by men.2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
Even though Captain Lewis is tough, she still makes a fool of herself over a man.3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?
Happily providing the paperwork that will allow Private Benjamin to leave the army
Smiling at Pvt Benjamin as though she’s going to do something nice – and then giving her the worst assignment.
Smiling in a diabolic way as she draws out Pvt Benjamin’s description of how awful everything is.4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
Captain Lewis is reviewing the new crop of trainees in the barracks at bootcamp. As she listens to Private Benjamin listing her objections to the army, Lewis smiles with glee, conveying how much she relishes the punishment she’s going to mete out.5. What is this character’s emotional range?
Snakelike charm to diabolical glee. Cockiness to professional subservience.6. What subtext can the actor play?
The hurt in her eyes when she realizes her love interest has been cavorting with another woman.
The suppressed glee when she pulls a dirty trick on Private Benjamin.7. What are the most interesting relationships this character has?
With the protagonist, Private Benjamin
With her love interest, Captain Woodbridge8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
She’s quietly dangerous.9. What makes this character special and unique?
She relishes the power she holds over others, yet operates in a system of hierarchy where her power is constrained by those with superior rank.10. All of the characters besides Judy Benjamin are just given brief moments where they can shine. For Captain Lewis, it’s the moment where she eggs Private Benjamin on, knowing she’s going to bring down the hammer. For Private Gianelli, it’s the moment during the first review, when she’s a tough chick in a sexy red bra. For Yale Goodman, it’s the moment in the back of the limo when he convinces his bride to pleasure him. For the recruiter, it’s the duplicity written on his face when he shows Judy pictures of a marina with yachts and condos and tells her it’s an army base. Each supporting character has their fleeting opportunity to shine, but none are given much of a journey. One thing that’s interesting about this story’s structure is that there is a constantly changing Antagonist. Captain Lewis is brought back to plague Judy in Paris, but she’s quickly left behind. The Antagonist is a series of oppressors, usually men, but sometimes women in the form of Lewis and the bunkmates.
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KZ’s Genre Conventions
Vision for my future: I am an empowered writer who is a master of structure and genre, and who can turn any idea into a salable script.
What I learned doing this assignment is that this point in the process of creating something-from-nothing is like a Catch-22. You need to add in more genre conventions, but you’ll get more ideas about how to add in genre conventions by going further into character and plot. Everything at this point is in flux and subject to change, which is both wonderful and unsettling.
Title: ESCAPE FROM NIRVANA
Concept: Two rival cutthroat negotiators must work together to outwit their meditation instructor in order to escape Nirvana
Genre: Comedy
Four-Part Structure with genre enhancements
Changes are in bold:
Prelude: Warren Buffet touts the benefits of meditation for improving the speed of thought, thus gaining an edge in business. Suddenly, Myra’s meditation class is full of business types looking for an advantage over competitors.
Opening: For Wendy and Darwin, everything is a negotiation, no matter how trivial. Also for both, they don’t win unless the other person loses. We see Wendy and Darwin winning negotiations, but in domestic or social settings, not at the negotiation table. They have different dirty tricks, but the same goal: to defeat their opponents, whether it’s manipulating Mom, or achieving victory over a street vendor selling hot dogs. We see them in their actual jobs making mincemeat of other, gentler negotiators. Then we see them at a conference where they brush up on their skills. After hours, they and other young hotshots play strip poker. Wendy and Darwin are attracted to each other, but as they sit in their underwear after the game, watching other players pairing off for the night, they are unable to come to terms about how lovemaking would be conducted and each wind up in their hotel room alone.
Inciting Incident: Wendy and Darwin sit at opposite sides of the meditation room, but because they ace everything, they quickly become standouts for how well they meditate. Wendy and Darwin are assigned by their respective Mergers & Acquisitions departments to face off against each other in the most high stakes negotiation of their lives.
Turning point: During one of Myra’s guided meditations, all three – Myra, Wendy and Darwin – wake up on a train hurtling through space, on its way to Nirvana.
Act 2: En Route to Nirvana
New plan:
Wendy and Darwin must convince Myra that they don’t belong in Nirvana and should be sent back.
Plan in action:
Here is an opportunity for misinterpretation. They speak of one thing, and she interprets it through her one-with-the-universe lens. When they finally make their meaning clear, the negotiators find that Myra is impervious to their techniques because she thinks they are agents of samsara sent to deny her access to Nirvana. She has a map that outlines the steps they must take for the train to deliver them to Nirvana. Without telling her the truth, Wendy and Darwin takes steps to manipulate Myra and sabotage the plan. They are desperate to make it back to the negotiating table.
Midpoint turning point:
Myra figures out what they’re up to and tells Wendy and Darwin that they must work together, but that there is only one place on the express train back to reality. Wendy double-crosses Darwin and imagines she’s back at the negotiation table facing off with his replacement, but it was an illusion, and she’s back on the train. Wendy realizes that her usual scorched earth negotiation tactics won’t get her anywhere, and she must try to adopt the techniques Myra recommended, but which she’s never used before: trust, honesty, cooperation.
Act 3
Rethink everything:
Wendy and Darwin go against years of ingrained training and try to be honest with each other.
New plan:
In order to get what they want, the negotiators must also see that Myra gets what she wants, which goes against their core belief of scorched earth tactics.
Turning Point – huge failure, major shift.
(not sure what this will be yet)
Act 4
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict/ Resolution
In an act of supreme cooperation, Wendy tells Darwin he can take the only spot on the train, but to her surprise, he has changed course and realizes that Nirvana is what he wanted all along. She takes the train back to reality and winds up in the meditation room where the other students were just becoming aware that the three of them are unresponsive. Wendy wakes up and tells her classmate Jen that she doesn’t think the other two are coming out of their “coma.”
Wendy meets Darwin’s replacement at the negotiating table, determined to find a win-win solution that is in everybody’s best interest. A win-win.
Probably, this is really a Rom-Com, and Wendy and Darwin wind up back in the real world together, but able to search for a Win-Win in every negotiation.
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KZ’s 4-Act Transformational Structure – ESCAPE FROM NIRVANA
Vision for my future: I am an empowered writer who is a master of structure and genre, and who can turn any idea into a salable script.
What I learned doing this assignment is: as I filled in the blanks that I knew, I got ideas for solutions elsewhere in the script.
Concept: Two rival cutthroat negotiators must work together to outwit their meditation instructor in order to escape Nirvana
Main Conflict: Wendy and Darwin meditated their way into Nirvana, and desperately want to leave. But their meditation guide, Myra, informs them that only one of them will be able to leave, putting them in competition. Myra tells them that the way out is through cooperation.
Wendy – Old ways:
- Collects information on opponents to use against them
- Never trusts anyone
- Only feels that she has succeeded when someone else loses
Wendy – New ways
- Values others
- Adopts a “trust but verify” approach, honest, and cooperation up to a point
- Looks for the “win-win”
Darwin – Old ways:
- Uses his superior knowledge against his opponents
- Never trusts anyone
- Only feels that he has succeeded when someone else loses
Darwin – New ways
- Values others
- Learns trust, honesty and cooperation
- Values Nirvana
Act 1:
Prelude: Warren Buffet touts the benefits of meditation for gaining an edge in business. Suddenly, Myra’s meditation class is full of business types looking for an advantage over competitors.
Opening: We see Wendy and Darwin winning negotiations, but in domestic or social settings, not at the negotiation table. They have different styles, but the same goals: to defeat their opponents, whether it’s manipulating Mom, or achieving victory over a street vendor selling hot dogs. Then we see them at a conference where they brush up on their skills. They are attracted to each other, but as they sit at a bar watching other attendees pairing off for the night, they are unable to come to terms and each wind up in their hotel room alone.
Inciting Incident: Wendy and Darwin sit at opposite sides of the meditation room, but because they ace everything, they quickly become standouts for how well they meditate. Wendy and Darvin are assigned by their respective Mergers & Acquisitions departments to face off against each other in the most important negotiation of their lives.
Turning point: During one of Myra’s guided meditations, all three – Myra, Wendy and Darwin – reach Nirvana, which turns out to be a train hurtling through space.
Act 2: En Route to Nirvana
New plan:
Wendy and Darwin must convince Myra that they don’t belong in Nirvana and should be sent back.
Plan in action:
The negotiators find that Myra is impervious to their techniques. She has a map that outlines the steps they must take for the train to deliver them to Nirvana. Without telling her the truth, Wendy and Darwin takes steps to manipulate Myra and sabotage the plan. They are desperate to make it back to the negotiating table.
Midpoint turning point:
Myra figures out what they’re up to and tells Wendy and Darwin that they must work together, but that there is only one place on the express train back to reality. Wendy double-crosses Darwin and imagines she’s back at the negotiation table facing off with his replacement, but it was an illusion, and she’s back on the train. Wendy realizes that her usual scorched earth negotiation tactics won’t get her anywhere, and she must try to adopt the techniques Myra recommended, but which she’s never used before: trust, honesty, cooperation.
Act 3
Rethink everything:
Wendy and Darwin go against years of ingrained training and try to be honest with each other.
New plan:
They decide their best bet is to reach Nirvana and try to negotiate with someone other than Myra.
Turning Point – huge failure, major shift.
(not sure what this will be yet)
Act 4
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict/ Resolution
In an act of supreme cooperation, Wendy tells Darwin he can take the only spot on the train, but to her surprise, he has changed course and realizes that Nirvana is what he wanted all along. She takes the train back to reality and winds up in the meditation room where the other students were just becoming aware that the three of them are unresponsive. Wendy wakes up and tells her classmate Jen that Darwin and Myra will not come out of their “coma.”
Wendy meets Darwin’s replacement at the negotiating table, determined to find a win-win solution that is in everybody’s best interest.
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KZ’s Subtext Plot
Vision for my future: I am an empowered writer who is a master of structure and genre, and who can turn any idea into a salable script.
Doing this assignment, I learned: that thinking through subtext possibilities encourages inventive new directions for the plot.
Concept:
Two rival cutthroat negotiators must work together to escape NirvanaSubtext plots:
4. Fish out of water
7. Competitive agendas
How the subtext plot will play out inside the story:
Fish Out of Water
Neither Wendy nor Darvin are suited to Nirvana – a place where nothing ever happens
Competitive Agendas:
From the beginning, Wendy and Darvin are perfectly willing to double-cross each other and everyone else in order to escape Nirvana — while pretending to be working towards more spiritual goals.
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KZ’s Transformational Journey
My Vision: I am an empowered writer who can find the gem hidden within any idea and turn it into a salable script.
What I learned doing this assignment: Along with the previous assignment, I came up with some core truths about my characters that will enhance the story.
WENDY
Arc Beginning: Cutthroat negotiator determined to win at any cost
Arc Ending: Learns to negotiate so that both sides win
Internal journey: Having to prove herself to self-acceptance
External journey: Must find her way out of Nirvana
Old Ways:
- Collects information on opponents to use against them
- Never trusts anyone
- Only feels she has succeeded when someone else loses
New Ways:
- Values others
- Adopts a “trust-but-verify” approach
- Looks for the win-win solution
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KZ’s Intentional Lead Characters
Vision: To master screenwriting so that I can successfully turn all of my ideas into finished scripts, get them produced and get paid well in the process.
What I learned: That choosing characters who fit the concept will make for a stronger story.
Character: Wendy
Logline: Wendy is a cutthroat negotiator who must win at all costs
Unique: Wendy’s aggressive behavior is meant to hide her weaknesses
Character: Darvin
Logline: Darvin’s style is analytical, but he’s just as determined to win as Wendy
Unique: Darvin is insecure about his status
Triangle character: Myra
Logline: Myra is an earth-mother meditation instructor whose sole goal is to get to Nirvana
Unique: Myra is obsessed with financial security
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KZ’s Title, Concept & Character Structure
My vision for success: To master screenwriting so that I can turn my many ideas into salable scripts that get made and succeed at the box office.
What I learned from this assignment: That planning the script one step at a time allows the idea to develop on a strong foundation.
Title: ESCAPE FROM NIRVANA
Concept: Two cutthroat negotiators master meditation so well they wind up stuck in Nirvana.
Character Structure: Buddy movie — or — Dramatic Triangle
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KZ’s 4-Act Transformational Structure
Vision for my future: I am an empowered writer who is a master of structure and genre, and who can turn any idea into a salable script.
What I learned doing this assignment is: as I filled in the blanks that I knew, I got ideas for solutions elsewhere in the script.
Concept: A down-to-earth detective faces off with a supernatural opponent
Main Conflict: Honor Kalos wants to bring the murderer of 9 people to justice; Bella Farkas wants to remain free.
Old ways:
- Doesn’t believe in ghosts
- Dismissive of her mother’s philosophy
- Cautious
- Runs from her mother
New ways
- Believes in ghosts
- Shown the validity of her mother’s philosophy
- Bold
- Becomes her mother
(Since there are two intertwining story lines, I outlined the acts for both)
Act 1: (Detectives)
Opening: Honor Kalos assists two senior detectives as they go to the defunct women’s asylum on Roosevelt Island to investigate new evidence in the disappearance five years before of nine film crew members who were last seen leaving the asylum after a TV commercial shoot. They are assisted by the young woman managing the property, Alison Miller, who explains that the director had wanted to shoot a scene from his film in the lobotomy room, but she had denied his request. Alison tells Honor the legend of Bella Farkas, an asylum inmate who woke up on the lobotomy table in 1912, and escaped by smashing a hole in the wall.
Inciting Incident: The elevator doors are pried open: a cable had broken, causing the elevator car to crash to the floor below. One crew member is found dead inside. While the senior detectives work with a construction crew to gain access to the lower floor, Kalos tries to interview Pippa Drake, who with her twin Jenna, was a P.A. on the commercial, but who was dropped off by the crew before they disappeared. However, Pippa won’t talk to Kalos.
Turning point: The bodies of five dead crew members are discovered and Honor is given the task of transcribing the videos, which are on their iPhones.
Act 1: (Crew)
Opening: The crew shoot a TV commercial at the asylum. The Director, Merk Rasmussen, sees the room where lobotomies were performed and decides he must shoot a scene from his horror film there, which he believes will generate more genuine terror reactions from his actors, who have no real experience of horror in their personal lives. The crew leaves in a van and Alison Miller locks up, but Jenna Drake, one of the P.A.s, had made a copy of the keys, and the crew returns, gains access and goes to the lobotomy room to shoot. Jenna notices that there is no cell phone service this deep in the asylum. Certain that his film is going to be a hit, Merk instructs his crew to make videos to be assembled into a “Making Of” featurette on the DVD.
Inciting Incident: Merk smashes the plaster, which had been sealed up after Bella’s escape into the wall. He insists that his lead actress, Mara, climb into the hole during a scripted game of hide and seek. He instructs her to pretend that she has seen a ghost, but Mara really has felt something else in the wall, something evil, and rushes out, hysterical. She runs to the elevator, followed by her boyfriend, Josh, the production’s grip.
Turning point: The elevator cable breaks, killing Josh. Mara is pulled from the elevator by the other crew members. She seems to be alive, but Alvin, an actor, has EMT training and declares that she is technically dead. Yet she still follows the others with her eyes and moves her head. This sends a wave of terror rippling through the crew, who remember a part of the legend: Bella Farkas is looking for a living person who is weakened to inhabit. They believe that Bella has invaded Mara, but that if Mara is dead, Bella will try to jump into someone else. They panic.
Act 2: Crew
New plan:
The elevator was the only access to the room, and there doesn’t seem to be another way out. Merk tries to calm them, certain that they will be found. Jordan Peal, the Sound guy, reasons that no one knows they returned to the asylum, and that their van was well-hidden. By the time anyone finds them, it may be too late. This adds to the panic and the urgency: they must find a way out.
Plan in action:
The crew break up into two’s to attempt an escape. Clive Derringer, an actor, is the next to suffer an accident, when he falls through rotted flooring into the basement below. Moaning from a head injury and with a broken leg, he uses what voice he has to ask for help. Devorah Match, who was with him, calls to him and asks if he can see a way out. At first he says No, and Devorah tells him she’s going to find an exit and assures him they’ll come back for him. He’s terrified of being left alone, so he lies and says that there IS a way out. Clive passes out, though his phone continues to record video until the battery dies. Devorah enlists Alvin, and together they try to find a way into the basement.
Merk tries to convince the others that someone should climb into the wall since the upper floors have windows, but the space is very narrow, and no one is willing to risk it just yet. Merk has no power over the others now; if anything, his influence is reduced since he’s the one that got them into this mess. If he really wants to climb into the wall, he’s going to have to do it on his own. He decides that they will be found, and he’s just going to wait.
Midpoint turning point:
Mara shows signs of being inhabited by Bella’s spirit – mainly that she’s technically dead, but still showing some of the superficial signs of animation. Jordan’s video shows that there are two crew members sitting with Mara to watch her and report if Bella’s spirit leaves the body, and those two are Jenna and Pippa. When Mara finally deflates, definitively dead, the remaining crew are convinced that her spirit is loose once more and looking for a new host.
Act 2 – Detectives
New plan: Kalos realizes that Pippa lied to them, that she was there at the asylum, and somehow managed to escape the room. Detective Mateo Fuentes states his plan to make an arrest. Kalos reasons that aside from Pippa being the only verified survivor, they have no proof she had anything to do with the deaths. A good attorney might make the case that she was traumatized and has amnesia. With bail reform, they won’t be able to hold her, especially as there are still four missing people, and they don’t know whether any of those people escaped, including Pippa’s twin, Jenna. For now, Mateo should simply talk to Pippa.
Plan in action: Mateo goes to see Pippa, but finds that she has not been at her job since the day that Kalos spoke to her. He goes to Pippa’s apartment and finds that she has fled, obviously in haste.
Midpoint turning point: Kalos confesses that she told Pippa about the discovery of the van. Mateo is furious with her and accuses her of ruining the case. Kalos feels guilty and doubles down on watching the videos. Mateo returns to the asylum to try to find more victims.
Act 3 – Crew
Rethink everything:
The crew become suspicious of one another, looking for signs of invasion by Bella’s spirit. All except the D.P., George Dwyer, who says that the legend is hogwash and urges them to stick to facts.
New plan:
Jordan wants to try to climb the elevator cable, thinking he can force open the doors. But he falls and dies, captured on film by George.
Devorah tries to convince the others that there’s an exit through the basement. Merk casts doubt on that, but no one is listening to him anymore.
Merk climbs into the hole in the wall and inches his way along, filming himself in what he thinks will be a triumphant escape.
George is willing to try Devorah’s plan. He falls and dies, but Devorah lands on top of him and survives – all captured by the unconscious Clive’s camera. Devorah realizes there is no exit, and that Clive only said there was because he feared being abandoned. It was his final bit of acting.
Turning Point – huge failure, major shift.
Alvin is convinced that Jenna has been invaded by Bella. He attacks her, but Pippa hits him on the head, accidentally killing him. Pippa is horrified by what she’s done.
Act 3 – Detectives
Rethink everything:
Kalos’s mother, Tatiana, channels Bella who tells about how she had invaded Jenna, but when Pippa realized there was something wrong, Jenna attacked her. Pippa was stronger and accidentally chokes her sister to death. At the moment of death, Bella invaded Pippa. Kalos rejects the story, accuses her mother of reading her transcriptions and then making up stories, drives her mother to the airport and puts her on a plane. Tatiana warns her daughter that Bella is an angry spirit from all the harm that was done to her, and that Kalos is in danger.
The Director is the only one who hasn’t been found. Tom and Mateo formulate a theory that he escaped.
New plan:
Based on what Tatiana learned from channeling Bella, Kalos alerts Mateo that he should check inside the wall for the Director. In the same wall that Bella escaped into in 1912, Mateo does find what’s left of Merk, who became wedged between the pipes. The phone recorded the sound of him tapping the pipes, just like Bella used to do: Tap, Tap, Tap.
Turning point/ Huge failure / Major shift
Kalos goes to see Alison, who has admitted herself to Bellevue, the mental hospital. Alison confesses that she went back to the Asylum the night following the crew’s disappearance to see if they were there. As she peered through the windows on the empty ground floor, she heard Tap, Tap, Tap, and assumed it was the ghost of Bella, so she fled.
Act 4 – Detectives
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict/ Resolution
Kalos gets an anonymous tip giving away Pippa’s location. She and the two senior detectives tail her to a bridge, from which it becomes clear she intends to jump. Since Kalos is the one who has training in negotiations, she alone follows her onto the bridge and tries to save her. Pippa reveals that she is possessed by Bella, can’t live with knowing she killed her twin, and wants to end it. In the last moment before Pippa falls to her death, Kalos feels herself invaded by the spirit of Bella.
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KZ’s Subtext Plot
Vision for my future: I am an empowered writer who is a master of structure and genre, and who can turn any idea into a saleable script.
Doing this assignment, I learned: that thinking through subtext possibilities encourages inventive new directions for the plot.
Concept:
A down-to-earth NYPD Detective faces off with a supernatural opponent.Subtext plots:
3. Someone hides who they are
4. Fish out of water
7. Competitive agendas
How the subtext plot will play out inside the story:
Someone Hides Who They Are
- Pippa Drake hides that she has been overtaken by the spirit of Bella Farkas
- Honor Kalos hides that most of her family are criminals
Fish Out of Water
- In Kalos’ first job as Detective, she’s out of her depth, but tries to hide it.
Competitive Agendas:
- Carlos and Tom want to use traditional detective work to break the case, and feel certain that Alison is the killer, even wrangling a confession from her. Kalos knows that they’ve jailed the wrong suspect.
- Honor Kalos reluctantly acknowledges that she’ll have to make use of her mother’s spiritualism to find Bella, who is inhabiting Pippa Drake’s body.
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KZ’s Transformational Journey
My Vision: I am an empowered writer who can find the gem hidden within any idea and turn it into a saleable script.
What I learned doing this assignment: Along with the previous assignment, I came up with some core truths about my characters that will enhance the story.
HONOR KALOS
Arc Beginning: NYPD Detective afraid of becoming like her superstitious Romanian mother.
Arc Ending: Invaded by the spirit of Bella Farkas, Honor does in fact “become her mother.”
Internal journey: Running from her background to embracing it.
External journey: From focused on the real to focused on the supernatural.
Old Ways:
- Doesn’t believe in ghosts
- Running from her mother’s philosophy
- Dropped her family
- Cautious
New Ways:
- Believes in ghosts
- Embracing her mother’s philosophy
- Returns to her family
- Bold
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KZ’s Intentional Lead Characters
Vision: I am an empowered writer who can find the gem hidden within any idea and turn it into a saleable script.
What I learned – that I can’t think about two projects at once when they’re at the same level of completion. And since I’m trying to submit this horror fiction podcast in the next 48 hours, I’m going to focus on this one. More to the point… that choosing characters who fit the concept will make for a stronger story.
Title: TAP, TAP, TAP
Concept: An NYPD detective pursues a murderer who has been dead a hundred years.
Character: Honor Kalos (Protagonist)
Logline: Kalos is a no-nonsense detective who has rejected her mother’s spiritualism and moved to New York to get away from her and avoid “becoming her mother.”
Unique: Kalos is half Romanian, half Greek, and 100% Texan.
Character: Bella Farkas (Antagonist)
Logline: Bella is the long dead spirit looking for a weakened body to inhabit.
Unique: She’s unaware that she’s insane and domineering and believes that she is nurturing and reasonable (much like Kalos’ mother).
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KZ’s Title, Concept & Character Structure
My vision for success in this program: To master screenwriting to such a degree that I can take any of my ideas and turn them into screenplays that will be successful at the box office and on streaming services because they speak to a vast audience yearning for meaningful stories.
What I learned from this assignment is how to make the big decisions up front, during the planning stage of the script.
Title: PERP WALK
Concept: A small town police force falls under the spell of an ex-con turned hypnotist, who is hellbent on revenge.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
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Call me KZ.
I’ve written lots of plays and screenplays, but many could use a rewrite with newfound knowledge, so do those count? One script was a finalist in the Industry Insider screenplay contest, and a film adaptation of one of my plays won Best Comedy Short at Worldfest Houston 2016. I recently submitted a drama to the Atlanta Film Festival and am about to submit a horror script to Palooza Podcast. (I know, I know, I should focus on one genre, but just haven’t managed to do that yet.)
I would like to become better at brainstorming and outlining. The script I’m currently writing would have been so much easier if I had started with the pitch. I always find value in Hal’s classes and expect to learn something important from every module.
Something unusual? File this under Quirks & Eccentricities:
If I enter a store and I’m the only customer or if it feels a bit pathetic, I can’t leave until I make a Pity Purchase; but I also won’t buy something I don’t need, so my habit can become an onerous proposition. I therefore try not to enter boutiques if there are no other customers, or even look in the window. However, a garlic press I wouldn’t have bought except for the Pity Purchase Principle turned out to be amazing – so occasionally this act of mercy actually benefits me, too.-
After listening to the Opening Audio where Hal emphasizes the importance of reviewing others’ work as a way to improve one’s own… maybe a more relevant unique thing to mention is that I have reviewed 11 scripts on Coverfly, and earned a 4.7 rating (out of a possible 5). The screenwriter is able to send the reviewer an email, and one did and said, “Thanks so much – your coverage is better than some I’ve paid too much for. I really appreciate your time and attention to detail. So many of your thoughts will help me reframe this story – and it needs it. Thanks again.” I do believe that giving constructive feedback on others’ screenplays has strengthened my own work, and I look forward to doing so for my classmates using the Skill Mastery sheet… and also to improving my writing skills to the point that I’m not dependent on feedback to discover what’s missing and how to fix it.
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Kristina Zill
I agree to the terms of this release form
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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What causes you to believe these two belong together?
Annie is moved by Sam’s description of his deceased wife.
She agrees with Dr. Marsha that Sam needs someone just as much as Jonah does.Notice any similar emotions, words, and actions.
They both respond the same way when Dr. Marsha says she doesn’t want to invade his privacy. “Sure you do.”What drama is this scene built around?
Annie is falling in love with Sam’s character, without ever having seen him, just from his voice and the things that he says.What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?
Annie is the right character to pursue Sam.
Sam is being a good dad, humoring his son, and is finding out some things about himself… like that he’s the one who needs someone. -
– What causes both characters to reveal their wounds?
Skylar asking Will to come to California is the catalyst– How are those wounds motivating their emotions, actions, and reactions?
Skylar tries to convince Will to come with her. That way, she can advance her education without losing him.
Will opts out of any situation where he might get hurt.– How is each character threatening the other’s wound?
When Will makes excuses not to go to California, Skylar thinks maybe he doesn’t love her. Except she knows that he does. So she dares him to say that he doesn’t love her. And when he says it, it’s devastating.What drama was this scene built around?
It shows how fiercely Will protects his wound, to keep from being vulnerable.What traits showed up in these character’s words and actions?
Skylar
• honest
• insightful, in touch with her feelings
• fearless
• loving regardless of class distinctionsWill
• scared
• out of touch with his feelings
• insecure about class
• fighter, settles issues with violence.What makes these characters great from a writing perspective?
The way that their traits intersect, contrast, and complement each other.
Where Will is fearful, Skylar is courageous. Where Will is out of touch with his feelings, Skylar is insightful. Where Will sees insurmountable difficulties because of class issues, Skylar sees none.When Skylar says “I want to help you” that creates a turning point in the scene. She affects the way he sees himself. He can’t bear being in need of others, in need of help, especially from her. That puts her on a higher level than he is, and he desperately wants to be equal.
This scene was played so well by the actors that
I was afraid Will was going to hit Skylar, knowing how he resorts to
physical violence when cornered. That creates an extra layer of concern. And then he does hit her emotionally by saying he doesn’t love her. -
How is Kate’s secret set up?
First with a warning that she’s dangerous, then her mug shot gives credence to that warning, and then with a confession during the drinking game.What causes demand to know what the secret is?
As Jack tends to the dying marshal, he discovers Kate’s mug shots. We wonder what she did, and why the marshal warns that she’s dangerous.As Kate & Sawyer play the drinking game, Sawyer suggests that she killed a man, and by drinking, she confesses that she did… making us want the details.
How is Kate’s secret revealed?
In flashback, we see Kate playing with the lighter. Her drunken stepfather wonders about a smell in the house, which Kate downplays. We don’t see her actually light the fire, but we can assume she did.Watch 2nd time for:
What drama was this scene built around?
Revealing Kate’s wound.What traits showed up in these character’s words and actions?
Kate:
• Sincere
• Sweet
• Wary of others (points to her wound)
• WilySawyer:
• Selfish
• Manipulative
• Charming, Lothario
• Tough guy swagger covers a wound -
• Where is Junah coming from?
Wounded by the war, lost his mojo• Where is Bagger Vance coming from?
He’s come to secure a job as caddie, but really to help Junah regain his lost swing• What makes them right for their roles in this movie?
Junah is closed off to the world, has lost his joyBagger has the perfect blend of knowledge and sly criticism masked as humor to break through Junah’s defenses. Bagger has joie de vivre which contrasts with Junah’s lack of joy.
• What drama was this scene built around?
Bagger convinces Junah to engage him as caddie, with the unspoken promise that he will help him recover his lost swing.
• What traits showed up in these two character’s words and actions?
Junah
• defeated, resigned
• loner, self-reliant
• generous, kind to others
• hard on himselfBagger
• “aw, shucks” hides a sly wit
• deal-maker
• joie de vivre
• professionalBagger appears out of the darkness, which makes him seem other-worldly. He also could be in danger since he came from the direction where Judah’s balls would have landed. We ask ourselves, “What does the guy really want?” – a question that carries the scene.
When Judah suggests he get something to eat in the house, and Bagger seems okay with that, for the briefest moment, it seems like that’s what he’s come for. Bagger continues his acquiescence to the offer of food, only to turn back and talk more about golf. Gradually we understand that Bagger has a mystical connection to golf and he’s what Junah needs to turn around not only his golf game, but his life.
Junah asks Bagger if he’s going to dance with the ball rather than hit it, and the conversation is a kind of dance where Bagger is trying to lead a reluctant Junah without stepping too firmly on his toes.
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At the start of the conversation under the bridge, Sarah asks Kyle what it’s like to travel through time. That’s an elegant way of showing us that she finally believes his story, without having to say it on-the-nose.
What future is Sarah Connor living into?
She’s going to be a legend, who teaches her son to fight, organizeWhat future is Kyle Reese living into?
A future where he is a fighter who will give his life for John Connor, who at this point hasn’t been born.What is Sarah’s transformation implied by this scene?
Sarah will become a survivor and fighter and teach her son to survive and fight.What drama was built around this scene?
The message from her son: she must survive or he will never be born. The whole film is about making sure that Sarah survives the attack from the Terminator.What traits showed up in these 2 characters’ words and actions?
Sarah
• Disorganized
• Impatient
• Passionate
• RationalReese
• Earnest
• Brave
• Loyal
• Sweet, lovingWhat makes these characters great from a writing perspective:
We know Sarah’s potential since Kyle has come from the future to tell her, and the pleasure is in watching her begin her transformation, even though she doesn’t want to.
We know Kyle’s motivation for saving Sarah is just as strong as the Terminator’s to kill her. -
What makes the character of Will especially compelling is the
incongruity of his scrappy blue collar persona and his erudite mind.
This mismatch adds interest to the story. I noodled around to see if I
can make one of my characters embody two jarring traits. Jury’s still
out. -
GOOD WILL HUNTING
TRAITS:
WILL
* Reticent, hides his gift
* Sarcastic, witty
* Loyal, protector
* Physical, fighterCHUCKIE
* Brutally direct
* Entertainer
* Self-assured masks insecurity about class
* Charming, LotharioSKYLAR
* Savvy, skeptical
* Real, can’t stand artifice
* Intelligent
* Respectful of others’ dignityCLARK
* Supercilious, pompous
* Witty – or thinks he is
* Upper class — and loving itUsing Chuckie’s Lothario trait, the writers set up a class battle by having him come onto some Harvard girls at the bar, and create the perfect foil in Clark. (The way Clark shifts his jaw when he thinks he’s scored a point reveals what he’ll look like in 20 years when he’s still a pompous prick, but without the long hair.) Chuckie seems to believe that he’s pulling off his high-class impersonation, and though the girls see through it, they don’t humiliate him.
A Harvard bar was the perfect setting for a showdown about class. The guys have “friends in low places” with the bouncer who lets them in. Chuckie is the charmer when ordering drinks from the lady bartender, and there are single women for him to engage with. A bar was also perfect since we know these guys are fighters, and conflicts in bars often lead to fights, so there’s always that threat hanging over the scene.
The topic of the book quoted by Clark is about issues of class, and then Clark’s comeback predicting that Will’s future is serving fries to his kids after they return from a ski trip underscores the class differences.
Unlike Chuckie, who would not have been able to gain an advantage in any way other than with his fists, Will is able to defeat Clark with words.
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1. Kristina Zill
2. I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Kristina Zill
Many plays and screenplays have flowed from my imagination, but I’ve never counted them. Numerous plays and one screenplay have been produced.
I just finished the Creative Mastery course—which was excellent and where we touched on character work. My hope is that this class will allow me to further develop those skills since great characters are at the heart of great drama.
I attended an arts high school…as a visual artist.
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KZ’s Character Relationships
What I learned doing this assignment is that I can set up naturally occurring conflict through the careful calibration of character traits. However, I think that it’s much easier to do in retrospect with a scene from a show such as LOST, rather than trying to think it up ahead of time. This is a work-in-progress. I’m not sure that I totally get it yet.
Oliver
•empath
•emotionally wounded
•questing for self-knowledge
•vainTony
•outgoing
•concealing
•playful, creative
•moody
subtext: Tony is used to throwing people under the bus to save himself.Michelle
•perceptive
•manipulative (changed from imperious)
•Drama Queen
•nosyDetective
•investigates
•insecure
•introvert
•Dunning-Kruger (draws wrong conclusions, thinks he knows what he doesn’t know)Oliver / Tony
• Rapport: Oliver and Tony are both artists, bond aesthetically
• Conflict: Tony’s moodiness can activate Oliver’s emotional wound
• Contrast: Put Oliver’s empathic tendency next to Tony’s need for self-preservation
• Competition: Put Oliver’s vanity together with Tony’s self-preservation instinctOliver/ Michelle
• Rapport: Oliver’s empath to Michelle’s perceptiveness
• Conflict: Oliver’s emotional wound with Michelle’s nosiness
• Contrast: Oliver’s quest for self-knowledge with Michelle’s Drama Queen
• Competition: Oliver’s vanity and Michelle’s manipulativenessTony / Michelle
• Rapport: Tony is outgoing and Michelle is a Drama Queen
• Conflict: Tony’s concealing with Michelle’s nosiness
• Contrast: Tony’s moodiness with Michelle’s _________ (change a trait?)
• Competition: Tony concealing and Michelle’s perceptionMichelle / Detective
• Rapport: Michelle is naturally nosy and the Detective investigates for a living, so they have the same impulse in that department and both want to solve the mystery.
• Conflict: The Detective is insecure, which Michelle uses to manipulate him
• Contrast: Detective is an introvert, while Michelle is dramatic
• Competition: Michelle is perceptive, whereas the Detective draws the wrong conclusions
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QE Cycle #4, First Draft
Logline: Maxine suspects her sister of trying to manipulate their father.
Essence: A fight supposedly over morals is really about money.
Trait I changed:
Renee: from Outgoing to EvangelicalINT. Hospital Lounge – Morning
RENEE (38) approaches the vending machine, puts some money in. She gets a couple of snacks and then spots MAXINE (36), who has fallen asleep in a chair. She circles her a moment, then reaches out and touches her on the arm.
RENEE
Maxine? Well, for heaven’s sake.
Hey. Hey, Maxine!MAXINE
(wakes, stretches)
Oh, God. Hey, Renee.RENEE
I didn’t know you were coming.MAXINE
Flew in on the red eye.RENEE
(looks at chair in disgust)
You don’t have any hand sanitizer, do you?
No telling what kind of person was sitting here last.MAXINE
Actually, I was. That was my chair last night.Renee sits in a different chair.
RENEE
What, all night?MAXINE
It sounded like he was going fast, so–RENEE
He’s stabilized. You should go get some sleep, honey child.MAXINE
Not till I find out what’s going on.
(off Renee’s look)
Dad won’t see me.Renee gets busy unwrapping a Reese’s.
Maxine watches her, suspicious.MAXINE (CONT’D)
You didn’t say anything, right? About my situation?RENEE
No!MAXINE
It’s weird. I flew all this way.RENEE
You know he always has to be the tough guy.
Probably didn’t want you to see him like this.MAXINE
But he talked to you, right? He let you visit.RENEE
I was there when he woke up from surgery. So he didn’t
have much choice. Maybe you could try again–MAXINE
The nurse has orders: I’m not to be admitted.RENEE
You’re imagining things.MAXINE
She told me. He specifically requested that I not be allowed–RENEE
Really? Why do you suppose–MAXINE
You tell me.RENEE
I had nothing to do with it. My word, but you’re paranoid!Maxine watches Renee eat the peanut butter cup.
MAXINE
How can you eat that garbage?RENEE
Well, the cafeteria’s not open yet.
Anyway, it’s peanut butter. It’s protein.MAXINE
This whole environment is just deadening.
I forgot my book on the plane, so I tried the gift shop.
One trash novel after another.RENEE
This is a family friendly place. I’m not surprised
they don’t carry your kind of book.MAXINE
And what kind would that be? “Pray” tell.RENEE
Banned, I guess. You were always drawn to
whatever is forbidden.MAXINE
Goddammit, Renee. After all this time,
you still think it’s a “lifestyle.”Renee draws back like she’s been stung.
RENEE
Please! I’m sure that kind of language
is standard in New York City, but not here.Maxine stands and stretches.
MAXINE
So I guess you got the prayer warriors all fired up.RENEE
Everyone is focusing their prayers on Daddy, yes,
praying for him to get better.MAXINE
Didn’t do much good for me, though, right?RENEE
Jesus helps those that help themselves.
But it does hurt my heart to know that my little sister
will spend eternity in hell.MAXINE
Speaking of going to hell…I talked to the lawyer.
He said you wanted Dad to change his will.RENEE
You don’t have kids. Daddy wants his grandkids
provided for. Especially Caleb, who just became an
acolyte at our church.MAXINE
An acolyte? Tell Caleb to watch his back.RENEE
The Catholics are the problem. We’re Presbyterian.MAXINE
In any case, That’s part of why I need to see him.
I’m going to be a parent soon.Renee looks dumbfounded.
MAXINE (CONT’D)
Anna’s pregnant.RENEE
I don’t see how that’s even possible.
Noah stocked the ark, two by two,
with one of each, male and female, so they could reproduce.MAXINE
We got a sperm donor.RENEE
So your child will grow up with two mommies,
and never even know his father.
That’s disgusting.MAXINE
But I hope they’ll know their grandfather.RENEE
They?MAXINE
We don’t know what the child’s orientation
will be.RENEE
(looking up)
Jesus, God in Heaven, forgive her.
The poor baby’s already being abused
with “woke” pronouns.MAXINE
(looking up)
Hi, Jeebus. How are you?
(pretends to listen)
What’s that?
(to Renee)
He says he approves.RENEE
Jesus does not approve!MAXINE
Oh, yes, he does.RENEE
He does not approve! And neither does Daddy.A beat. Renee is defiant. Maxine nods.
MAXINE
I knew you were behind it. I just
needed to hear you say it.RENEE
Yes, I told him that you were in a sinful
relationship. He thought I meant a man, and
I said, No, it’s worse. It’s so much worse.Maxine sits and puts her head in her hands.
MAXINE
You’re going to rot in hell, Renee.RENEE
Someone IS going to hell, but I can assure you,
it isn’t me. -
Hi, George – I tried to identify the traits and Interest Techniques at work, with general feedback at the end. -KZ
REWRITE of Lesson 14 — QE Cycle #3
LOGLINE: After being forced to work on a science project together, SQUIRE—a bad boy with even worse grades—realizes NANCY—the nerdiest girl in school—could keep him from flunking out, but Nancy has some conditions.
ESSENCE: People will give up pieces of themselves to get what they want.
INT. MR AVERY’S CHEMISTRY CLASSROOM — DAY—10 MINUTES AFTER THE TARDY BELL
MR. AVERY’s classroom door opens and in walks NANCY, a junior and one of the smartest and nerdiest girls in school, holding a large stack of books in front of her. She is followed by SQUIRE, a handsome senior with long curly hair and chiseled features. He has no books. Nancy rushes to her lab table at the back of the class.
AVERY: Squire, you’re late.
SQUIRE: What about her? She’s late too.
–trait: _________________? (confrontational? – Nancy’s trait)
AVERY: Nancy volunteers at the animal shelter every Wednesday morning, so she’s excused. You’d know that if you were ever on time.
– trait described by another: caring –
— Interest Technique (IT) – suspense – what’s going to happen to Squire?
The class “oohs” and “aahs”.
AVERY: I guess that makes you and Nancy project partners.
SQUIRE: What? Project?
AVERY: Directions are on the board.
NANCY: Excuse me, MR. AVERY, sir. (she pushes up her thick glasses) You couldn’t possibly expect me to agree to take him on as a partner. I’d prefer to work by myself.
–trait: confrontational –
— IT: Uncertainty: hope/fear We wonder if Nancy will prevail —
AVERY: Unfortunately Nancy, I do expect you to be his partner.
The class rumbles a little.
AVERY (CONT’D): Okay people, quiet down.
SQUIRE: Naw, it’s cool, teach. I’ll just sit this one out.
– trait: Happy-go-lucky —
The class rumbles a little louder.
NANCY (to herself): Good. Then it’s settled.
– trait _________________? –
— IT – Uncertainty: hope (for her sake) —
AVERY: Well, if you sit this one out, you’ll also be sitting out graduation.
The class gasps and “oohs”.
SQUIRE: What do you mean, sittin’ out graduation?
– trait: ________________? dim-witted?–
AVERY: I mean that if you do not pass this project, you will not have enough credits to graduate.
The class erupted in catcalls and various exclamations, but Squire seems unfazed by the news of his failure as he makes his way back to where Nancy is sitting. He has a bounce in his step and flirts with every girl on the way. Nancy is visibly unhappy.
– trait: seductive – seen through his action –
–IT: Suspense – what will happen when these two get together? —
AVERY (CONT’D): I said, quiet down, people! Now settle down and get to work. Your projects are due tomorrow, so use the rest of this class to work on them, quietly.
The class moans and Mr. Avery retreats to his desk, as Squire plops down next to Nancy.
SQUIRE (happy): Hey there, partner.
– trait: seductive –
NANCY: Why are you so happy?
– trait: confrontational –
SQUIRE: Why not?
NANCY: Mr. Avery just told you, you might not graduate. That’s why not.
– trait: confrontational
SQUIRE: I guess I just look at things differently.
– trait: happy go lucky
NANCY: Differently? How else could you look at flunking high school?
– trait: confrontational –
— IT: Mystery – we wonder, too —
SQUIRE: Things just always have a way of working out for me. Like better than expected.
– trait: happy go lucky —
NANCY: That makes no logical sense. How can you be sure things always work out for you?
– trait: confrontational —
SQUIRE: I can’t explain it. If you know, you know.
– trait: evasive? —
Nancy pushed up her glasses and looks off in thought.
NANCY: I mean, it’s not even mathematically possible let alone logical. How do you do it?
– trait: confrontational? —
SQUIRE: Look… what’s your name?
– trait: ________________? maybe selfish.
NANCY: Nancy.
SQUIRE: Nancy, I’m Squire by the way—
NANCY: Yeah, I know; everyone knows who you are.
– previous exchange: exposition —
SQUIRE: Like I was saying, I just decide what I want to happen and then it happens.
– trait: happy-go-lucky —
NANCY: Like you are controlling the future? (beat) That’s impossible.
– trait: confrontational –
SQUIRE: Don’t matter if you believe me or not.
– trait: happy go lucky? –
NANCY (slams fist on lab table): You’re lying! Prove it to me. How are you not going to flunk out of high school?
– trait: confrontational –
— IT: Mystery – we wonder, too —
Mr. Avery (not looking up from his desk): Everything okay back there?
SQUIRE: Okay, okay, relax, Nance. I’ll tell ya. This is what is going to happen. I’m gonna get an A on the project and I’m going to graduate.
– trait: happy go lucky —
NANCY: Oh, I see. Typical. You think you can get away with doing none of the work and still get a good grade that I did all the work for? It’s not my fault we got forced to work together.
– trait: confrontational –
SQUIRE: That’s exactly what’s gonna happen. You don’t want a partner anyways, so I let you work alone, and you let me share your grade, and I get to graduate. You said it yourself, it’s not my fault we got forced together. It’s perfect, really. It’s a win-win.
– trait: happy go lucky? – (possibly another trait – deal maker)
NANCY (in thought): You have a point, but win-win? How’s it a win for me? I’d be doing the science project regardless.
– trait: confrontational? –
SQUIRE: Yeah, it’s a win for you. Besides, we don’t have a choice.
– trait: _________________? (gaslighting?)
NANCY (sighs): Unfortunately, you are correct. (beat) But, I have a condition.
– trait: scheming —
SQUIRE: What?
NANCY (biting her lip): You have to go to prom with me.
– trait: scheming –
– IT: Uncomfortable moment —
SQUIRE: What?! No way. I already have a date, my girlfriend.
– trait: selfish? –
NANCY: Well, I guess you don’t want to graduate then.
– trait: stubborn?–
— IT: prediction —
SQUIRE: The only way I don’t graduate is if you fail the project, and we both know there is no way you would purposely fail a project. Shit, you probably get all depressed when you get an A instead of an A+. And remember, we are being forced, we ain’t got no choice.
– trait: _______________ ? (deal maker)
— IT: prediction —
NANCY: Actually, there is a significant difference between an A and an A+. (beat) If you don’t go to the prom with me, then I’ll just tell Mr. Avery that you didn’t do any of the work. Then you will fail and not walk at graduation.
– trait: scheming – (overt, not covert)
–IT – prediction –
– IT: dilemma –
SQUIRE: What? You’re psycho. I’m not going to MY senior prom with YOU. Fuck that.
– trait: selfish? (confrontational – Nancy’s trait) —
NANCY: It’s your choice. (beat) Maybe we’ll be in the same chemistry class next year?
– trait: stubborn —
Squire is annoyed and knows he has to go to the prom with Nancy or he won’t graduate.
SQUIRE (defeated): Ok.
NANCY: Really?
SQUIRE: Yeah. I’ll do it. (sigh) I gotta graduate.
(previous lines: exposition)
NANCY (clenches fists): Excellent. Clarissa and Tammy will choke on their 4.0s when they see us together.
– trait: scheming –
–IT – prediction —
SQUIRE: Can’t we just like, hang out at the prom for a few, maybe dance. I mean, it’s my senior prom, I want to go with my girlfriend. I got the whole night planned. I even got us a hotel room. Come on, Nance, please.
– trait: ________________? (deal maker)
NANCY: Oh, that reminds me. You need to break up with your girlfriend.
– trait: (overt) scheming –
– IT: Suspense – will he agree? –
SQUIRE: What? Why? I’m not breaking up with Jenny for… for you.
– trait: confrontational (Nancy’s trait)
NANCY: Fine. You can just take me to MY senior prom next year when you repeat the 12th grade.
– trait: stubborn —
SQUIRE (more defeated): Fine.
– trait: _________________? (pushover) –
NANCY: Do it right now.
– trait: confrontational
SQUIRE: What? No. I’ll do it after school.
– trait: ____________? Deal maker, giving a counter-offer
NANCY: No. You have to do it now. I need proof and I have to leave immediately after school so I’m not late for my volunteer shift at the hospital.
– trait: stubborn, caring
SQUIRE: I can’t call her in the middle of class.
– trait: evasive? —
NANCY: Text her. Then just forward the text to me.
– trait: stubborn –
SQUIRE: Text? I’m not an asshole. I’ll just explain to her that this psycho nerd in my chem class is blackmailing me and if she forgives me for the prom, we can get back together.
– trait: confrontational (nancy’s trait)
NANCY (face contorted in anger): NO!
– trait: stubborn –
AVERY (not looking up): I’m not going to tell you again. Keep it quiet.
NANCY (quieter): No one can know about… about our little arrangement. It has to be as real as possible.
– trait: scheming –
– IT: suspense –
Squire is silent and looking straight ahead in shock.
NANCY (CONT’D): Now, text Jenny. (beat) Better yet, I’ll text her. Give me your phone.
– trait: scheming –
Without changing his gaze, Squire hands his phone to Nancy.
– IT: cliffhanger –
END SCENE
Hey, George – I enjoyed reading your scene. Let me just say that it’s so much easier to find ways to improve it than to do the same for my own work… just the way it’s easier to clean someone else’s office than my own.
The two traits that dominated were Confrontational for Nancy and Happy-go-lucky for Squire. An easy way to improve the quality would be to go back and work in some of the other traits.
Also, Squire tended to be Confrontational, co-opting Nancy’s trait. And some other traits were creeping in. More than 4 traits makes a character less identifiable to the movie-going audience/reader.
One way to really improve the scene would be to use the characters’ subtext. For instance, if instead of always being happy-go-lucky, let Squire be seductive to achieve his ends. In fact, the whole suggestion about going on a date might be Squire’s idea– and then Nancy could scheme to make it about prom, thus upping the stakes and calling his bluff.
How might they make a mess out of the situation? What if they both got banned from prom night for talking during class? Or maybe they do something worse which would definitely get them banned from prom, like causing a small fire with their neglected lab project.
Hope this feedback helps! – KZ
-
Hi, Ed – here’s my feedback on your QE Cycle 3 rewrite. I find it much easier to do this for your scene than for mine…
Ed’s QE Cycle # 3 – DRAFT # 2.
Logline – On the morning of a big wedding, a florist’s morning takes a turns for the worse–or does it?
—-Logline: (Main character, major event, action/goal from https://logline.it/howto/ On the morning of a big wedding, a florist discovers that his employees have set him up for failure.
On the morning of the most important project in his career, a florist tries to understand how he was set up for failure.
Essence – with friends like this, who needs enemies?
INT. FLOWER SHOP – DAY
SQUIRE, 20’s, is surrounded by cut flowers and various floral displays in different stages of assembly. He’s busy arranging while sing-talking into a speaker phone.
SQUIRE
Jamie? Why don’t you pick up? Where are you? I’m not panicking- yet, today is the day.
—-Interest technique (IT): Mystery–
The Richmond/Raymond wedding. Remember? It’s big, it’s splashy, and famous, not to mention it means the world to me on so many different levels. Please get your cute ass in here ASAP! Bu-bye.
—Trait: Happy go lucky –
—-IT: Anticipatory dialogue or Uncertainty: hope/fear–
The bell over the door jingles. NANCY, 40’s enters, her arms are full of supplies. She dumps them on the sorting table in a huff. She has large bruise across her face.
SQUIRE
Pumpkin, your beautiful face ——
—-IT: Anticipatory dialogue – (what DID happen to her face?)–
NANCY
—— Somehow I knew I’d end up here this morning. Squire, I warned you about this.
—–Trait: Confrontational –
—-IT: Anticipatory dialogue – (what did she warn him about)–
SQUIRE
Love you too, Nancy. Start with the table arrangements, pleeeease.
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
NANCY
Listen and learn darling. The wedding party’s flowers are done first, then the wedding, then the reception. Unless you have a better idea?
—–Trait: Confrontational –
She starts roughly sorting through vases of flowers, cutting down stems, plucking off leaves. Her movements are deliberate, intense.
NANCY
God, I told you, don’t hire him just because he’s cute. But noooo. Why listen to your best friend? Answer – because said friend can be relied on to show up and save your ass – again.
—–Trait: Confrontational –
—-Subtext: Scheming, competitive–
—-IT: Creating a future – will her warnings prove true?–
SQUIRE
Someone’s in a mood. Let’s just have fun with flowers. This is going to be a romantic day!
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
—-Subtext: Seductive? Definitely trying to control others–
NANCY
I slipped in the shower, okay? You need proof? (Eyeing an arrangement) These are all wrong, by the way.
—-Trait: Confrontational–
Nancy tears into a completed arrangement. Squire tangles with her to stop it. A thorn rips into his finger. He playfully sucks on the finger. He bats his big brown eyes, the dimples debut.
—-Subtext: Squire – Seductive–
NANCY
Sweetie, you’re cute, but you’re gay. Whatever this is…ain’t happening.
—-Trait: Caring?–
—-IT: Predictions–
SQUIRE
Just kidding. I’m a florist not a mortician, although I may need one if this wedding tanks. I hope Jamie’s okay. Do you think I should leave and check on him?
—-Trait: Caring? –
—-IT: Predictions– he’s going to die if wedding tanks
NANCY
Let’s see, on one hand you have the wedding of the year that will make you famous and on the other you have missing numb-nuts who can’t tie his shoe and chew gum.
—-Trait: competitive with peers, but not covertly–
SQUIRE
I’d better stay. I’m sure he’ll show up soon.
—-Trait: Selfish? (though reasonably so)–
The door bell jingles again. A perplexed look crosses Squire’s face. A handsome man, 30’s, dressed in tuxedo, enters the shop. This is JONATHAN RICHMOND, one of the grooms. He’s disheveled and looks to have been crying.
NANCY
The plot thickens.
—-IT: Predictions–
JONATHAN
How are you guys?
SQUIRE
Jonathan, you’re scaring me. Where’s Martin?
—-IT: Mystery–
JONATHAN
Didn’t Jamie tell you?
SQUIRE
Jamie? Tell me what? I’ve been trying to reach him all morning.
—-IT: Mystery–
Nancy busies herself with an arrangement.
—-Trait: Scheming (pretending she doesn’t know)–
JONATHAN
That’s strange. When I talked to him he said he would talk to Nancy and you guys would figure it out…Sorry.
—-IT: Boom!– (wait, is that an interest technique ;)
SQUIRE
Oh Nancy, care to comment?
—-Trait: Confrontational? Nancy’s trait–
Nancy comes around the counter and embraces Jonathan in a big hug.
NANCY
Oh, sweetie. I’m so, so, sorry. Are you okay?
—-Trait: Caring–
All puppy eyes, Nancy ignores him, as she kisses him on the cheek then tucks a rose into Jonathan’s lapel. She winks at him.
—-Trait: Seductive? Squire’s trait–
JONATHAN
Your face….
SQUIRE
She slipped in the shower…Someone want to fill in the charming, but dumfounded florist, on what’s going on? I think I missed an episode.
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
—-IT: Mystery–
NANCY
The wedding is postponed——
—-IT: Uncertainty: fear–
JONATHAN
——It’s off.
NANCY
——I said, postponed.
—-Trait: Stubborn–
—-IT: Uncertainty: hope–
SQUIRE
Ummm…are you two getting married? Because this sounds like a fight to me.
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
NANCY
I didn’t want to say anything, Squire, in the hope they’d work things out. I mean, why not give love a chance? It’s worked before.
—-Trait: Caring–
—-IT: Uncertainty: hope–
Jonathan locks eyes on Squire. He raises and eyebrow and flashes that devilish smile. They have a history.
JONATHAN
I’m guessing I won’t get my payment back?
SQUIRE
Jonathan, honey, you owe me a lot more than the down payment.
—-Trait: Selfish? (though understandable)–
JONATHAN
Tempting but…Whoa. That’s not what Jamie told me. Right Nancy?
SQUIRE
My dear friend does not represent the Garden of Eden. She has other more, unrefined, business matters to attend to.
—-Trait: ________________(catty)?-
NANCY
Oh grow up Squire. You were out and I wasn’t about to let the biggest order in your life walk out the door. Given Martin’s money problems, and Jamie looking like a deer on the headlights, I took action. I told Jonathan it would be alright for a down payment and the balance due after the wedding. It was an odds on favorite things would work out. Oops.
—-Trait: Confrontational–
—-Subtext: Scheming?–
—-IT: Betrayal–
SQUIRE
This is my shop! These are my decisions to make. If I wanted your help, I’d ask for it.
—-Trait: ___________? (confrontational?)–
NANCY
Sweetie, you’re way in over your head. Business is not your forte, it’s okay. Go back to stripping, meet a rich man, sell your soul to the devil. Be like a normal person.
—-Trait: confrontational–
—-Subtext: Scheming? (under the guise of wise advice)–
SQUIRE
I’ll take that under advisement, Nancy, Thank you….Jonathan, what happened?
—-Trait: ________________? (sarcastic)–
JONATHAN
Martin lost the honeymoon money betting on a football game. I love him but I just can’t trust him anymore. It’s over.
—-IT: Surprise– this is the set-up
NANCY
When god gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Am I right, you two?
—-Trait: Caring?–
—-Subtext: Scheming?–(manipulative: covering her part in this)
SQUIRE
Martin? The interior designer, bets on football games? What the Shonda Rhimes is going on?
The next thing you’re going to tell me is Jamie is somehow involved in this.
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
—-IT: Uncertainty: fear–
A beat. Eyes diverted to the floor.
NANCY
I’m only the bookie. It’s not my fault the adorable idiot bet the wrong team.
—-Trait: __________– Evasive? (Squire’s trait)
—-IT: Surprise– this is the pay-off
Squire taps on the computer. His fingers tap around the screen following the flow of accounting transactions.
SQUIRE
I see where Jamie got the money.
—-Trait: Confrontational? (Nancy’s trait)–
—-IT: Surprise– more pay-off
NANCY
Yeah, that was really stupid on his part. At least now he only owes me two grand.
—-Trait: ______________?– scheming?
SQUIRE
And yet again you neglected to tell me?
—-Trait: Confrontational? (Nancy’s trait)–
Nancy feigns innocence. The phone rings.
SQUIRE
What else can go wrong today?….(answers)
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
—-IT: Anticipatory dialogue –
—-IT: Surprise– this is the set-up–
Hello, Garden of Eden, this is Squire…
He listens intently, then hangs up.
SQUIRE
That was Martin…Jamie is in the hospital…he said Nancy put him there?
—-Squire makes reference to Nancy’s subtext–
—-IT: Surprise– this is the payoff —
JONATHAN
Squire, how about going to brunch? There’s so much to get caught up on.
Nancy twirls around a pair of pruning sheers, a malevolent twinkle in her eye.
END SCENE
—-Nice scene, Ed! I’m just learning the process myself, so a bit of the blind-leading-the-blind, but my thoughts are:
To improve it even more, perhaps change some of Nancy’s confrontational moments to another trait, and make Squire more evasive. And make sure they don’t borrow each others’ traits.
Screenwriting guru David Freeman calls the 4-traits a “Character Diamond”. He says, “If you give a character more than 4 traits, they descend into mush.”
Nice work with the Interest Techniques.
-
REWRITE of Lesson 14 – QE Cycle #3
Logline: When a fishing boat captain plans to make an un unscheduled stop, the marine science student who chartered the boat tries to force her agenda.
Essence: Squire and Nancy learn just how unsuited they are for each other
EXT. FISHING BOAT – DAY
A boat is just about to depart the Monterey Bay marina, piloted by SQUIRE (25), who looks more like a spoiled frat boy than a captain. As he busies himself with untying the boat, he is unaware of NANCY (20), a tomboy and a Marine Science student at California State University Monterey Bay, who approaches wearing a backpack and carrying a long, thin, plastic pole. She shoves the pole onto the deck and jumps on board herself. Hands on hips, she watches Squire while he works frantically and gets the boat untied. He turns, sees her, and jumps, startled.
NANCY
Hey! Are you Captain Jack?Squire moves his eyes from side to side, like he’s looking for an answer.
NANCY (CONT’D)
It’s not a trick question. I chartered THE CATARRH today. Is Jack around?SQUIRE
Change of plans. I’m afraid you’ll have to disembark.
(sizing her up)
Not that I wouldn’t enjoy the company.NANCY
I’m not disembarking. Take me to the Aumentos Reef, please.Squire looks past her at activity towards the end of the dock. Three official looking men are going boat to boat.
NANCY (CONT’D)
C’mon, let’s go! We’re burning daylight.SQUIRE
Yeah. Let’s get going.Nancy smiles, pleased with her apparent powers of persuasion. Squire puts the boat in gear and heads out to the open sea.
NANCY
So you sounded much older on the phone.SQUIRE
You talked to Jack, my grandfather. He was rushed to the hospital this morning for emergency tests.NANCY
Omigod! I hope he’s okay!SQUIRE
I’m sure he’ll be fine. But in his old-man fog, he forgot that I needed the boat today.NANCY
Sorry, but you’re stuck with me.He eyes her, taking in her sculpted arms, her long brown hair blowing in the breeze.
SQUIRE
I’ve never seen such a long fishing pole. And they say size doesn’t matter. Guess it does in this case!NANCY
That pole is how I apply the tracking device.SQUIRE
Tracking device!?He lets go of the throttle, the boat loses speed. He flashes his most brilliant smile.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
What on earth are you tracking?NANCY
Um…a blue whale?SQUIRE
Oh, like, for selfies?NANCY
Uh, no. Look, your grandfather told me he had experience with the procedure.
You pull right up alongside the whale, and then I slap this device onto its back.
(she pulls a gadget from the backpack)
See? These suction cups hold it in place.Nancy tucks the device away. Squire shakes his head, puts on some speed again.
NANCY (CONT’D)
Excuse me, but the reef is thataway. Straight ahead.SQUIRE
(pointing to the right)
We just need to make a slight detour first.NANCY
No, not okay. I chartered this boat! I ORDER you to take me to the Aumentos Reef.SQUIRE
And we will get there, we will! There’s just one little errand I have to fun first.NANCY
What “errand”?SQUIRE
It’s nothing, no big deal. Here, hold the wheel a moment. I need to send a text while I’ve still got service.
Squire walks to the back of the boat and busies himself with his smart phone. Nancy takes the opportunity to turn the wheel in the direction of the reef. Squire finishes and returns, but Nancy stays at the wheel, distracting him with conversation.
NANCY
So what’s wrong with your grandfather?SQUIRE
(shrugs)
Who knows? When you get to be his age–NANCY
Does he even know you have his boat?SQUIRE
Of course.NANCY
But he didn’t tell you I chartered it.SQUIRE
The one I heard about is tomorrow. Eliza somebody.Nancy lets go. The boat slows.
NANCY
Eliza! Eliza Morton?SQUIRE
(shrugs)
We keep appointments in the ship’s log.Squire points at the log book. Nancy rushes over and frantically flips through the log’s pages.
Squire takes the wheel and casually steers them back to the right. Nancy returns, paces.NANCY
It IS her. One of my classmates at Cal State.SQUIRE
Don’t you know that college is for partying?NANCY
That’s what my classmates think. That’s why I’m going to blow them out of the water with all the data I collect from my whale.Nancy paces a moment.
NANCY (CONT’D)
I guess she also heard about the blue whale that’s been hanging out at the reef.Nancy returns to stand beside Squire, looks at the dashboard instruments.
NANCY (CONT’D)
Hey, what’d you think? I wouldn’t notice?SQUIRE
It won’t take long — just a quickie.NANCY
What is it? Like, a hook up?SQUIRE
More like an appointment. Why? Jealous?NANCY
Uh, no. I don’t even know you.SQUIRE
Hey, a stranger is just somebody I haven’t slept with yet… JOKE!NANCY
Cut the crap. I ORDER you to take me to the reef.SQUIRE
Are you captain of this boat? No, I am.Nancy is furious, arms crossed, brows furrowed.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
But you’re cute when you’re angry.NANCY
Ugh! Where do I file a complaint?SQUIRE
Right here, babe. Aw, c’mon. What can I do to put a smile back on that pretty face?
How about– Okay, I’ve got it. What if this charter is free of charge?NANCY
Seriously?SQUIRE
Hey, I know college is expensive. So whattaya say?Nancy considers a moment.
NANCY
Okay, deal. But… you also cancel the outing with Eliza Morton.SQUIRE
Ah, so you ARE the jealous type.NANCY
Those are my terms.SQUIRE
You got it. Eliza is out.NANCY
(gloating)
It’ll be impossible to find another charter on such short notice.SQUIRE
And who knows? Maybe we’ll run into that whale of yours on the way to my meet-up.
Here, why don’t you take a peek through the binocs and see if you can spot some blow-holes.Squire hands her binoculars. Nancy slowly turns in a circle, scanning the ocean.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
See any?NANCY
No, but… there’s something coming towards us.SQUIRE
What, like a Kraken?NANCY
It’s pretty far away.
(she peers another moment)
But… it looks like…a boat headed straight toward us.SQUIRE
What kind of a boat?NANCY
Speed boat, maybe?Squire grabs the binoculars.
SQUIRE
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. That’s the Coast Guard.He hands the binoculars back to Nancy, who peers through them again.
NANCY
I wish they’d slow down. At that speed, they’re damaging all kinds of marine life.SQUIRE
They must have intercepted my text. Can they do that? Or maybe they’ve got the boat bugged.He turns the boat and slows.
NANCY
Wait, the reef’s over there! Why are we turning into this cove?He stops the boat.
SQUIRE
There’s something I gotta do. Listen, uh. Why don’t you make yourself useful and inflate that lifeboat?NANCY
Are you kidding? I can’t approach a whale on a lifeboat!SQUIRE
In about five minutes, you’re going to wish you had a lifeboat, so just do it.She turns around in circles, unsure of what’s going on. She calls down into the hold.
NANCY
I hear water. Uh, what’s your name? Captain Jack’s grandson! What’s that rushing water sound?He comes running back up, holding two fishing poles. Checks the binocs one more time.
SQUIRE
Yep, we’re gonna be just in time.NANCY
The boat’s sinking!SQUIRE
Check this out. Rapid inflate.He pulls a tab and the lifeboat inflates.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Okay, now you hold onto these fishing poles.The lifeboat is now even with the water. He gets in.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Okay, hand me the poles and climb on in.She puts the binoculars in her backpack and gets in.
The boat goes under.SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Perfect. Now, when they get here, we’re just out for a little fishing excursion.NANCY
No. No way. I’m going to tell them exactly what happened.SQUIRE
And I’ll tell them it was your cargo, your meet-up.NANCY
What cargo?SQUIRE
You tell me.NANCY
What, like drugs?SQUIRE
(clutching his pearls)
You brought drugs on my boat? My grandfather’s boat?NANCY
This is outrageous.SQUIRE
Your choice. Is it prison time? Or…The sound of the Coast Guard boat is drawing near.
NANCY
Okay, okay. Fishing excursion.SQUIRE
You’re holding the pole wrong. Here.NANCY
Don’t you even care about your boat?SQUIRE
My grandfather’s boat. Yeah. Bummer. But freedom’s good. Okay, here they come. Ready? -
Logline: A Marine Science student and a Fishing Boat captain set out to sea with very different objectives.
Essence: Two differing viewpoints wrestle for dominance.
EXT. FISHING BOAT – DAY
A fishing boat pulls out of the marina. On board are SQUIRE (25), who pilots the boat but looks more like a spoiled frat boy than a captain; and NANCY (20), a tomboy and a Marine Science student at California State University Monterey Bay. Nancy maneuvers a long white pole to the side of the boat deck. She grabs the handle of a duffel bag and joins Squire at the helm, setting the bag at her feet.NANCY
So when I talked to you on the phone, you sounded like a much older man.SQUIRE
That was my Gramps. He’s in the hospital for some medical tests. I’m just helping out.NANCY
I hope it’s not anything serious.SQUIRE
What are ya gonna do? When you get to be his age…NANCY
Yeah, he seemed very knowledgeable.SQUIRE
The dude’s been booking fishing charters for decades. Since before I was born. But don’t worry. In our family, we learn this stuff by osmotis.NANCY
You mean ‘osmosis.’SQUIRE
I’ve always said osmotis. You sure?NANCY
Osmosis. Yes, I’m sure.Awkward silence, then he tries another tack.
SQUIRE
That’s some fishing pole you brought onboard. I’ve never seen one that long. And they say size doesn’t matter. Guess it does in this case!NANCY
That pole is how I apply the tracking device.Squire lets off the throttle, like he’s ready to abandon ship.
SQUIRE
Tracking device. Shit! Are you a narc?NANCY
Um…attach it…to the whale?SQUIRE
Whale! What whale? I figured we were going after big game fish.NANCY
Your grandfather told me he had experience with the procedure. You pull right up alongside the whale, and then I slap this device onto its back.
(she pulls a gadget from the duffel)
See? These suction cups hold it in place.Squire shakes his head, takes the wheel again.
SQUIRE
And the whale just sits still for this?NANCY
Well, no. It might take multiple attempts. That’s why this charter is till sunset.SQUIRE
Oh. That might be a bit of a problem. I gotta meet somebody back at the dock at five.NANCY
You would ditch me? Your grandfather’s charter customer? While he’s in the hospital? What have you got, like, a hot date?SQUIRE
More like an appointment. Why? Jealous?NANCY
Uh, no. Why would I be jealous? I don’t even know you.SQUIRE
Hey, a stranger is just somebody I haven’t slept with yet. … JOKE!(He takes out a smart phone and texts)
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Anyway, you’re a student, right? Undergrad? College is for partying.NANCY
That’s what my classmates think. That’s why I’m going to blow them out of the water with all the data I collect from my whale.SQUIRE
Oh, so it’s a class project! Hey, I wonder if the chick who booked the boat tomorrow is in your class. Eliza something.NANCY
(blanching)
Eliza! Eliza Morton?SQUIRE
We keep appointments in the ship’s log.She pounces on the ship’s log and begins a frantic search. Squire’s phone pings. He reads the text and continues piloting.
NANCY
Yep. Eliza Morton.SQUIRE
Can I assume she’s not much interested in fish, either?NANCY
Dammit! She must’ve heard about the blue whale that’s been hanging around the area.SQUIRE
Anyway, good news. I re-arranged the meeting place, so we can stay out past five. We just need to make a little detour.NANCY
No, not okay. I chartered this boat! I ORDER you to take me to the Aumentos Reef so I can slap a tracking device on a blue whale.SQUIRE
And we will get there, we will! There’s just one little errand I have to run first.NANCY
What “errand”?SQUIRE
It’s just a thing. No big deal.NANCY
Absolutely not. My charter. Therefore, I’m the boss.SQUIRE
Are you the captain of this boat? No, I am.
(he glances at her, arms crossed, brow furrowed)
But you’re cute when you’re angry.NANCY
Ugh. Where do I file a complaint?SQUIRE
Right here, babe. Aw, c’mon. What can I do to put a smile back on your face? How about… Okay, I’ve got it. What if this outing was free of charge?NANCY
No charge for today’s outing?
(she considers a moment)
Okay, deal. But…you also cancel the outing with Eliza Morton.SQUIRE
Ah, so you ARE the jealous type.NANCY
Those are my terms.SQUIRE
You got it. Though, quite honestly, I don’t care about tomorrow. Today’s the day I need the ride.NANCY
(gloating)
Eliza won’t be able to find another vessel on such short notice.SQUIRE
And who knows? Maybe we’ll run into that whale of yours on the way to my meet-up. Here, why don’t you take a peek through the binocs and see if you can spot some blow-holes.Squire hands her a pair of binoculars. Nancy scans the ocean.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
See any?NANCY
No, but… there is something out there.SQUIRE
What, like a Kraken?NANCY
It’s pretty far away.SQUIRE
(falsetto voice)
Oooh, noooo! Release the Kraken!NANCY
It looks like…a boat. Yep. A boat. And it’s headed straight toward us.Squire lets go of the throttle.
SQUIRE
What kind of a boat?NANCY
Speed boat, maybe?Squire grabs the binoculars.
SQUIRE
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. That’s the Coast Guard. We’re sunk.He hands the binoculars back to Nancy, who peers through them again.
NANCY
I wish they’d slow down. At that speed, they’re damaging all kinds of marine life.SQUIRE
They must have intercepted my text. Can they do that? Or maybe they’ve got the boat bugged.He brings the boat to a stop and kills the engine.
NANCY
Wait, why are we stopped?SQUIRE
No way we can outrun them.NANCY
Outrun who?SQUIRE
Listen, uh. Why don’t you make yourself useful and start inflating that lifeboat?He dashes down into the boat’s hold.
NANCY
Are you kidding? I can’t approach a whale on a lifeboat!SQUIRE (O.S.)
In about five minutes, you’re going to wish you had a lifeboat, so just do it.She turns around in circles, unsure of what’s going on. She listens, then calls down into the hold.
NANCY
What’s that sound of rushing water?He comes running back up, holding two fishing poles. Checks the binocs once more.
SQUIRE
Yep, we’re gonna be just in time.NANCY
The boat’s sinking!SQUIRE
Hey, check this out. Rapid inflate. It’s awesome!He pulls a tab and the lifeboat inflates.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Okay, you hold onto these fishing poles.The lifeboat is now even with the water. He gets in.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Okay, hand me the poles and climb on in.The water is at her heels. She shoves the binoculars in the duffel bag and gets in the lifeboat. The fishing boat goes under.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Perfect. Now, when they get here, we’re just out for a little fishing excursion.NANCY
No. No way. I’m telling them exactly what happened.SQUIRE
And I’ll tell them it was your cargo, your meet-up.NANCY
What cargo?SQUIRE
You tell me.NANCY
What, like drugs?SQUIRE
(clutching his pearls)
You brought drugs on my boat?NANCY
This is outrageous.SQUIRE
Your choice. Is it prison time? Or…The sound of the Coast Guard boat is drawing near.
NANCY
Okay, whatever. Fishing excursion.SQUIRE
You’re holding the pole wrong. Here.NANCY
Don’t you even care about your boat?SQUIRE
My grandfather’s boat. Yeah. Bummer. But freedom’s good. Okay, here they come. Ready? -
KZ’s MAX INTEREST 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is how to think up ways to incorporate interest techniques in my scene before writing it.
Essence: Oliver gets drawn into the murder investigation
Interest techniques: Hook, Mystery, Creating a future, Anticipatory dialogue, Cliffhanger, Uncomfortable moment
INT. OLIVER’S NYC APARTMENT – THE NEXT AFTERNOON
Picture a fabulous imaginarium: every inch of this studio apartment is cluttered with rich fabrics, lace, tassels, mannequins in various states of dress and undress, beads, gewgaws, tchotchkes. A man in a suit sits with his back to us on a love seat, but another angle reveals it to be a mannequin. A pile of costumes is heaped on the couch. On the coffee table, a laptop is open. A woman’s voice emanates from the laptop.INDIGO (O.S.)
Oliver? Oliver! You there?The heap of costumes comes alive! A man emerges, disheveled. This is OLIVER. 38, gorgeous, wearing a ridiculously ornate costume, like he’s a character out of Grand Guignol or Punch and Judy. He slithers out of the heap of clothes and moves in close to the laptop. Oliver has a Southern accent.
OLIVER
Indigo! Why are there two of you?
(puts on reading glasses)
Oh! One of them is me.ON THE SCREEN
INDIGO, tattooed and pierced, is more Carnie than Earth mother.
She shuffles a deck of Tarot cards. Oliver rubs his eyes.INDIGO
Rough night?OLIVER
Couldn’t sleep, what with the constant siren song of the Coronavirus. I’ve been dozing on and off all day.INDIGO
Should I call back later?OLIVER
Do not abandon me. I’m quite certain I’m losing my mind.INDIGO
Any particular question today?OLIVER
(shaking his head)
Who am I? If not a costume designer to Broadway’s glitterati, then who?Indigo shuffles the cards and one pops out.
INDIGO
The Fool. Interesting.OLIVER
Thanks so much.INDIGO
He’s the traveler, starting his journey as an innocent.OLIVER
Travel? In a pandemic? Oh, yeah, I’m really hopping on a jumbo jet to gay Paree.INDIGO
It’s more metaphorical–like new beginnings. Might be a perfect card for the birthday boy?On cue, ten more FACES pop onto the screen, a smorgasbord of sexes, races and ages, including ANDRE, a Black actor in his 40s. They sing in harmony. They’re creatives, so no standard Happy Birthday song here.
FACE ONE
Oliver!FACE TWO
Oliver!FACE THREE
Oliver!ALL
Birth-da-ay boy!!!
Oliver, vain, has ripped off his reading glasses.OLIVER
Y’all shouldn’t have.ALL
Happy birthday, Oliver!OLIVER
But I love that you did. I want to give every one of you a big, sloppy kiss.ANDRE
Only if all parties are wearing masks.Andre pops on an elaborate masque, then lifts it so it sits on his head.
IN THE ROOM
We hear the CHIRP of a pathetic doorbell several times, followed by a LOUD BANGING.DETECTIVE UHM (O.S.)
Police!ON THE SCREEN
INDIGO
What’s going on?Oliver looks off-screen, in the direction of the banging.
INDIGO (CONT’D)
Y’all scram.She makes all the participants but herself go away.
OLIVER
Yeah, maybe I should call you back.INDIGO
No, I’d better stay.IN THE ROOM
At the SOUND of KEYS IN THE LOCK, Oliver dives back under the costumes, stays hidden.
OLIVER’S POV through a gap in the clothing. We HEAR the sound of Oliver’s breathing
The door opens, and two people enter.MICHELLE is attractive, in her 40s. She revels in all the accoutrements of femininity – the makeup, nail polish, dresses, bangles.
DETECTIVE UHM is a handsome Columbo.MICHELLE
No need for all the fal-dee-rah. This tenant is never here.The Detective checks his notes.
DETECTIVE UHM
This, uh.. Oliver. When was the last time you saw him?Michelle tilts her head coquettishly, like a mime of thinking.
MICHELLE
Would you like a drink, Detective?She moves to the kitchen, opens the fridge.
OLIVER
(disgruntled, mumbles)
A drink??ON THE SCREEN
INDIGO
(mumbles)
A drink?IN THE ROOM
MICHELLE
It’ll be five o’clock in a couple of hours.The Detective moves to the mannequin. Eyes it suspiciously.
MICHELLE (CONT’D)
Whattaya think? Rosé? Champagne?The Detective moves to the coffee table, uses his pen to push aside gaudy accessories. An iPhone is buried under the clutter.
MICHELLE (CONT’D)
Probably rosé, huh?DETECTIVE UHM
Well, that’s interesting.MICHELLE
(blushing)
I figure we could have champagne later.The Detective picks up the phone, and his trench coat looms closer as he sits — on Oliver.
END POV
IN THE ROOM
The Detective springs up, and Oliver leaps from the pile of clothes. Michelle nearly drops the wine bottle. Oliver tries to be dignified, which is difficult wearing his gaudy costume.OLIVER
What are you people doing in my apartment?MICHELLE
You aren’t supposed to be here.The Detective flashes his credentials.
DETECTIVE UHM
Detective Uhm. When I saw your phone…well, nobody leaves their phone behind. I was afraid maybe you were murdered, too.
(checking his notes)
You’re the tenant.. Oliver?OLIVER
Murdered…too?Michelle has put the wine back in the fridge.
MICHELLE
A young man was killed last night.DETECTIVE UHM
Did you happen to hear anything?OLIVER
Something woke me up… On the street. An ambulance was loading a body. I thought it was Covid.MICHELLE
(a little too excited)
Actually, it was a pretty gruesome murder.OLIVER
(to Michelle)
Excuse me. Who are you?MICHELLE
Michelle? The Superintendent?OLIVER
What happened to Michael?Michelle zaps him with a look.
MICHELLE
He hasn’t been here for a couple of years.OLIVER’S POV – SFX
Michelle’s face is briefly superimposed with the face of Michael, then back again.BACK TO SCENE
OLIVER
Do you know who it was? The person who died?DETECTIVE UHM
No wallet, no keys. Sock feet, except…one shoe. Like maybe he was in the process of dressing or undressing. We figure he either lived in the building, or was intimate with someone who did.MICHELLE
Forensics said, judging by the…
(coy)
…splat…he must have fallen from at least…did you say, the ninth floor, Detective?DETECTIVE UHM
Oliver, where were you at approximately 11:10 pm yesterday evening?OLIVER
Right here, like everybody else. Stay-at-home orders?DETECTIVE UHM
(eyeing his costume)
No party last night?OLIVER
I got dressed up–
(searching for a reason)
–to cheer the healthcare workers.The Detective gives him a blank look.
OLIVER (CONT’D)
Seven p.m.? Every evening? The whole city bangs on pots and pans as a thank-you to the workers at the hospitals?DETECTIVE
How is banging on a pot or a pan a thank-you?MICHELLE
He has a point, dear.DETECTIVE UHM
Do you own a large dog, or do any of your neighbors have a dog?MICHELLE
(miming claws on throat)
There were lacerations.OLIVER
Uh, no. I’m probably the one person in New York City who’s not bonkers for dogs.Oliver’s phone chimes, announcing a FaceTime call. The Detective, surprised to find he’s still holding the phone, accepts the call.
ON THE PHONE
BRUCE, a smooth, sophisticated business man of 65.
BRUCE
Hello. Who are you?DETECTIVE
I’m Detective Uhm, NYPD. And you are–?BRUCE
Interested.Oliver holds out his hand for the phone, the Detective relinquishes it.
OLIVER
Hey, Bruce. Could I call you back?Without waiting for an answer, Oliver clicks off and puts the phone in his huge pocket.
DETECTIVE UHM
Boyfriend?From the laptop, Indigo chimes in.
INDIGO
You don’t have to answer that!The Detective spots Indigo, who has been on Zoom this whole time. Pulls out his notebook.
DETECTIVE UHM
And you would be?Michelle closes the lid of the laptop.
MICHELLE
(to the Detective)
We’re getting off track! I wanted to show you how this apartment shares a balcony with the place next door.She leads the way to the sliding glass door and opens it.
MICHELLE (CONT’D)
All the apartments on this side have balconies, but these two are connected.OLIVER
It’s not for rent!MICHELLE
Don’t worry, dear. You’re not part of the murder plot.DETECTIVE UHM
There’s an amazing cast of characters just in this one apartment.Michelle tucks her arm under his.
MICHELLE
(to Detective Uhm)
You’re barking up the wrong tree.OLIVER
(to Michelle, quietly)
So are you.She arches an eyebrow at him.
The Detective disengages from Michelle’s arm and hands Oliver a card and starts towards the door.
DETECTIVE UHM
If you remember anything relevant.OLIVER
Okay, Detective… Uhm?MICHELLE
(to Oliver)
Rhymes with Yum.Michelle follows the Detective out.
MICHELLE (CONT’D)
(to Detective)
Feel free to use my apartment as your base of operations.They leave. Oliver re-opens the laptop.
-
KZ’S CHALLENGING SITUATIONS
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that if I can do this for my entire script, it will be much more engaging. Also, I keep confronting the fact that once I’ve imagined the story, it’s hard for me to change it. I’ll probably have to make multiple passes of the whole script to do reap the benefits of this exercise.
SCENE 1:
A. Current Scene Logline: The Detective and Michelle barge in on Oliver, then he has a birthday Zoom
B. Essence: Introduction to the murder mystery and Oliver’s circle of friends.
C. Brainstorm list:
Goal: Have a pleasant birthday, despite the pandemic
The police banging on his door makes him look dodgy
He’s found hiding under the costumes on his couch
The detective thinks he’s a suspectNeeds: To look good, to control his life
He has to wear his glasses to see up close
Michelle is overly familiar with his apartment
The detective barges in
The noisy neighbors deprive him of sleepValues: Love and insight
The detective wheedles out of him that he hasn’t heard from his mother on his birthday
He can’t answer questions about his pastWound: He takes up with men he doesn’t love so he won’t get hurt.
He gets a call from Bruce while he’s talking to the detective, the detective accepts the call
The detective talks to Bruce, Bruce flirts with him. The detective tells him to call back later.Physical:
He hides under the clothes on the couch.
Oliver closes the lid to the laptop when Indigo fights with the Detective
Michelle to Detective “You’re barking up the wrong tree”… Oliver to Michelle “So are you”D: Rewrite
The Detective interrupts the Birthday Zoom
The Detective notices Indigo smoking a joint on Zoom, establishing her as a stoner
The Detective’s entrance gives a compelling reason for the Birthday Zoom to end, which was awkward before.
Indigo ends the Zoom for the others, stays on as a witnessSCENE 2
A. Current logline:
Oliver meets Tony over the barrier on their balconies
B: Essence:
Oliver and Tony connect, but Tony warns him away
C. Brainstorm challenges
Goal: To meet the neighbors
He’s caught collecting one of the strips that Nolan discarded
Tony warns him away from being seen by Nolan
The interaction ends without exchanging namesNeeds: To find love
Tony is in a relationship with Nolan
Tony tells Nolan there’s an old lady next doorValues: Good neighborly relations
Nolan laughs about ‘the old lady next door’
Wound: He’s afraid of getting involved
Tony playing the guitar evokes tender feelings
Physical:
Oliver gives Tony (something), but he drops it and breaks it
Oliver sings along with Tony’s song, and is almost discovered by Nolan -
KZ’s Inherently Dramatic Characters
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is: thinking through the character traits and subtext can give you clues about how to write more powerful scenes.
OLD CHARACTER PROFILES
Oliver – an out-of-work costume designer
-empath
-curious, seeker
-Transactional in relationships
-vain
subtext: wants to find true loveNolan – a bestselling author of supernatural thrillers
-malicious, vengeful
-vain
-sense of humor, creative
subtext: wants to control othersMichelle
-perceptive
-imperious
-drama queen
-nosy
subtext: wants to stay alive at all costsNEW CHARACTER PROFILES
Oliver
-empath
-curious, seeker
-vain
-rescuer
subtext: wants to find love, but fears getting hurtNolan
-malicious, vengeful
-vain
-sense of humor, creative
-controlling
subtext: insecurity makes him lash outMichelle
-perceptive
-conniving
-drama queen
-nosy
subtext: wants to defeat those with power over her -
Hi, George,
Let’s see if I can identify how you’re using the traits, subtext and interest techniques — and hopefully, dissecting your scene will help me improve my skills.
John: Daring, distrustful, loyal, loner, tricks people into showing their worst side
Nick: Confident, conniving, rebellious, giving – manipulates to take advantage
Situation: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
*****
John’s first 3 lines don’t exhibit any character traits, just exposition, setting the scene. Would it be possible to get some traits in with every question he asks? Tricky to do if it remains a status quo encounter. Maybe he distrusts the receptionist? Is there some way he could make an entrance that’s more daring?
It’s daring for John to go through the door rather than waiting for permission. Given the setting though, it’s the logical way to show him being daring, and anyone might do it — in fact, it’s a scenario we’ve seen a million times (which points to needing a fresh approach).
Nick’s first line: he’s confident that he can handle John.
“It’s her first day” could that be changed to something more conniving?John shows his loyalty to Zane Fallon by refusing to accept that Fallon retired and trying to get information about his whereabouts.
Nick is conniving by gaslighting John, though the hand on the Glock is the only indication that perhaps he’s not forthright.
John doesn’t have any buddies – loner.
Nick offers the painting – giving – though we sense it’s to get rid of John, not because of generosity.
John tricks Janice, but it’s not to get her to show her worst side. I guess it’s gutsy or brash or bullying, but is it daring?
John has a distinctive personality, but overall I would say his traits as you’ve written him are: aggressive, loyal, loner, gutsy. He’s tricky, but not out of distrust. His profession allows for more daring in the script. Maybe a change of location and set-up would allow his daring side to come out. John’s ilk will always be at a disadvantage in a corporate setting. What if he rappelled through the window? (Not with his bad leg). Or climbed down through the panel on the elevator while Nick is riding in it.
Nick is more of a sounding board. His traits seem to be confident and giving, smooth, duplicitous. No sign of rebellious.
The arc of the scene doesn’t lead to a fight.
Interest techniques:
Uncertainty – hope/fear: at several points, like when John’s confrontational, and when we see the Glock (although that threat is immediately diffused.) If you showed the gun earlier, there would be Suspense maintained throughout.
The Glock also gives us Dramatic Irony – we know something the hero doesn’t.
*******
Having listened to Audio 4, I want to try writing a scene that takes the situation and traits to extremes, and try to cram in 7 interest techniques or more. It’s hard to do when you’re trying to make it logical.
For instance, it’s logical that John would seek out Mr. Fallon at the office, but it’s boring. In my scenes, I find that I’m trying to make them “good” rather than pushing the envelope.
Well, we’ll see where we are by the last QE cycle.
Cheers,
KZ
-
REWRITE FOR CRITIQUE
Logline: John and Nick meet for a duel.
Essence: Diplomacy prevails over war
EXT. FIELD – DAY
A field at dawn. Massachusetts, 1770.
JOHN (40s) enters from the left. NICK (19) enters from the right. They wear gentlemen’s attire of the day, including capes to keep off the morning chill.
JOHN
Good day to you, sir.NICK
Good day to you. Can we begin?
Where is your Second?JOHN
I expect him shortly. And yours?NICK
Oh, he’ll be along.JOHN
Since they’re bringing the pistols,
we simply have to wait.NICK
Unless you prefer to fight with bare hands?
Yes, why not? Come on, old man!Nick balls up his fists and charges at John, who deftly maneuvers his cape
and passes it over Nick, like a toreador.Nick falls to the ground, but rather than stand back up, he rolls over to sit on the grass, his legs splayed.
JOHN
When our Seconds arrive, you’ll have to–well–
on principle–I refuse to shoot a man who is seated.John walks away a few paces, but doesn’t turn his back, keeping Nick in his sights. Nick rummages in the pockets of his cape, then tosses something to John, who doesn’t catch it, but moves aside. The object hits the ground and rolls away.
Nick reaches into his pocket and pulls out another… apple! He bites into it and grins.
NICK
What’d you think it was? A cannonball?JOHN
Pardon me, but since we’ve come here with the intention–NICK
Afraid of an apple!JOHN
–with the intention of destroying each other–NICK
(mocking)
Oh, no! I can’t eat an apple from a tree-ee.
What if there’s a worm in it?
(himself again)
How are apples consumed at your house?
With a fork and knife?
(mocking, whining)
Servant, cut this apple for me!
(showing the apple)
Look, there’s a little fellow now!
(bites into it)
Mmmmm. The worm adds a certain je ne sais quoi.JOHN
You eat the worm… but by this afternoon, the worm
will be eating you.Nick nods and continues to munch sullenly,
not the response John expected.JOHN (CONT’D)
Why are we here?NICK
I insulted you. You had no option
but to challenge me to a duel.JOHN
But surely, you know I’m the best shot in the county.
And yet, you seemed to go out of your way–NICK
Don’t second-guess, sir! You must
defend your honor!JOHN
Are you one of these brash young men who
believes he’ll never die?NICK
Perhaps I surmised you’d never find a Second…
since you have no friends.JOHN
Again you insult me!NICK
Then where is this Second?JOHN
Where’s yours?NICK
You don’t suppose our plan was discovered, do you?
Oh, that wouldn’t look good. A Peer, like yourself,
arranging a duel.
(tsk, tsk)
And if you back out, well… that looks even worse.JOHN
Ah, so that’s it? You’re with that motley crew trying to convince
the elders to oust me from the council. As they were not successful,
they plan to make me out to be a coward?Nick lies back on the grass and dissolves into laughter, which gradually becomes sobs. He flings his arm over his eyes and wails.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Get up, sir. This is most unbecoming!
I refuse to face off with a lunatic.NICK
You married her off to a rich old man!JOHN
Do you mean– Rebecca? What has my
daughter to do with it?Nick continues to sob. John paces.
JOHN
And I’d hardly consider 30 to be “old.”Nick sobs and talks, his breath catching like a child who’s skinned his knee.
NICK
I –
(sob)
–love–
(sob)
–her.John smirks and shakes his head.
JOHN
Enough of this. On your feet.NICK
Are the Seconds here?JOHN
They’re not coming. Before setting out, I sent
them word that the duel was off.NICK
But– I want to die.JOHN
Suicide by duel!? What a concept!NICK
Well, I did hope after you killed me,
that you would go to prison. Since you
allowed her to– to– throw herself away!He wails again with self-pity.
JOHN
Did you ever confide in Rebecca that you–er–
did you share your feelings?NICK
She wasn’t interested.John smirks, proud of his daughter.
JOHN
You should know… she does cut up her apples. And peels them.
And eats them with a knife and fork.Nick’s hiccups slow and he composes himself.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Come on, now. Stand up.Nick stands and dusts off his cape.
NICK
(resigned)
So, you’re going to kill me now.JOHN
I’m taking you… to the Tavern.Nick stands, takes a moment for this to sink in, then:
NICK
What’s happening to me?
I’m ravenously hungry!JOHN
Perhaps you’ve just realized–
it’s good to be alive.Nick pulls another apple from his pocket.
JOHN
You have another one of those?NICK
Sure, but– mind the worms.Nick hands him an apple, John takes a bite, and they set off together.
-
Logline: John and Nick meet for a duel.
Essence: Diplomacy wins over war
EXT. FIELD – DAY
A field at dawn. Massachusetts, 1770.
JOHN (40s) enters from the left. NICK (20s) enters from the right. They wear gentlemen’s attire of the day, including capes to keep off the morning chill.
JOHN
Good day to you, sir.NICK
Good day to you. Has your Second not yet arrived?JOHN
I expect him shortly. And yours?NICK
Oh, he’ll be along. Don’t you worry about that.JOHN
Well, nothing to do but wait then.NICK
Since they’re bringing the pistols, I’d say indeed– we have to wait.
Unless you prefer to use bare hands.JOHN
(snorts disapproval)
I’m sure they’ll be here shortly.John walks away a few paces, but doesn’t turn his back, keeping Nick in his sights.
Nick rummages in the pockets of his cape, then tosses something to John, who doesn’t catch it, but moves aside. The object hits the ground and rolls away.
NICK
Fool! It was an apple.Nick bites into his apple and grins.
NICK (Cont’d)
What’d you think it was? A cannonball?JOHN
Pardon me, but since we’ve come here with the intention–NICK
Afraid of an apple!JOHN
–with the intention of destroying each other–NICK
(mocking)
Oh! I can’t eat an apple from a tree-ee. What if there’s
a worm in it? Servant, cut this apple for me!
(showing the apple)
Look, there’s a little fellow now!
(bites into it)
Mmmmm. It adds that je ne sais quoi.JOHN
You devour the worm… and soon, the worms will devour you.NICK
Don’t be so sure.JOHN
You’ve been practicing, have you?NICK
Perhaps.JOHN
It almost feels wrong, challenging a young hothead
like yourself.NICK
I insulted you, sir. What could you do but invite me to a duel?JOHN
You did seem to go out of your way–
(a beat)
What’s the meaning of this? Why are we here?NICK
To defend your honor?JOHN
Why did you pick a fight with me?
You know I’m the best shot in the county.NICK
Perhaps I surmised you’d never find someone to
be your Second. You don’t have many friends…JOHN
Again you insult me!NICK
Then where is this Second?JOHN
Where’s yours?NICK
You don’t suppose our plan was discovered, do you?
Oh, that wouldn’t look good. A Peer, like yourself,
arranging a duel.
(tsk, tsk)
Well, you can always back out. I won’t tell.JOHN
Ah, so that’s it? You’re with that group trying to convince
the elders to oust me from the council. As that didn’t work,
they plan to make me out to be a coward?Nick dissolves into laughter. He becomes more and more hysterical and rolls on the ground.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Get up. This is most unbecoming!
I refuse to face off with a lunatic.Nick sits up with his legs splayed out and nibbles a blade of grass.
NICK
I just… sorry! The idea that I would consort with
that band of lackeys. Well, it’s too ridiculous.JOHN
Then what is your meaning, sir?
Why did you lure me onto the dueling field?Nick becomes serious.
NICK
It’s Rebecca–JOHN
What has my daughter to do with anything?NICK
I love her.JOHN
But she is married this week–NICK
She did not return my love.JOHN
I should think not.NICK
I thought perhaps– it might be nice to die.JOHN
Suicide by duel? What a concept!NICK
Well, I did hope that you would go to jail.
Since you allowed her to– to– throw herself away–Nick flings an arm over his eyes and sobs. John watches him with disgust.
JOHN
Get up!NICK
(wiping his eyes)
Are the Seconds here?JOHN
We’re going to the Tavern.NICK
Wherefore?JOHN
I once wanted to die for love.John extends his hand. Nick accepts it, and brushes dust off his cape.
JOHN (CONT’D)
I’m rather peckish.
Would you by chance have another apple?Nick pulls one from his pocket and polishes it on his sleeve before handing it over.
John bites into it and they head off down the road, side-by-side. -
x
-
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
An old house, converted into a funeral home. The room is a still life in muted colors: no windows, a closed door on either side, and furnished with two conservatively upholstered couches and a side table with black bunting. ROBERT (30s) and JOEY (50s) enter, flooding the room briefly with MAUDLIN ORGAN MUSIC coming from the main room. Silence descends instantly when Robert clicks the door shut. Every gesture of Robert’s is calculated to be soothing, giving the impression that he’s moving under water. His hair is impeccable, his black suit is well-fitted to his slim form. Joey’s tall, stocky, barrel-chested body is attired in black, but it’s a corduroy coat and nice jeans. This is a working-class guy with few occasions to dress up. Joey towers over Robert, who uses his inside voice. Joey is loud.
ROBERT
Let’s talk in here, shall we? We mustn’t upset people.JOEY
They’re already upset. His nose was never like that. Our mother’s torn up about it.ROBERT
I understand.JOEY
(punching his fist in his other palm)
What you’re not understanding is, I wanna have a conversation with the guy in charge of the nose. Cause that there is not a reconstruction. And we paid out the nose.
(realizing his unintended pun, proud of his wit)
Maybe I should reconstruct somebody’s nose.
(threatening)
Hey, was it you? Who made my brother deformed?ROBERT
Oh, no, no, no. But I will see if I can locate the person responsible. I’m sure we can reach an understanding.JOEY
Don’t count on it.Robert crosses to the other door, opposite from the ‘music’ door, and opens it.
ROBERT
If you’ll just have a seat in the Grieving Room. Down the hall and turn right.JOEY
(punches a fist into his other palm)
You send him to me. I’ll deliver some grief.ROBERT
Yes, sir. It may take the tiniest moment to locate him. Thank you for your patience. I will return.JOEY
See that you do.Joey exits. Robert closes the door and, after looking aghast in that direction for a moment, quietly locks it. He paces, running his hand superficially over his perfectly coiffed hair, so as not to mess it up. TRENT (45) enters. A phrase of the MAUDLIN MUSIC seeps in till the door closes again. Trent’s blond hair is limp and shoulder length. His suit coat is black, but his garish tie is completely inappropriate for a funeral director. He’s bigger than Robert, but much less imposing than Joey. He opens his coat, where he has concealed a bottle of champagne.
TRENT
We did it, my man. Our one-hundredth corpse.Trent pulls a champagne glass from each pocket of his coat.
ROBERT
What are you–? What if they were to see? Those people are in mourning!TRENT
Somebody died. Of course, they’re mourning.Trent pops the cork, taking delight in the mini explosion. Robert glances at the locked door—nothing. He then hurries to the other door and opens it a crack, spies out. The MAUDLIN ORGAN MUSIC plays, till Robert quietly, quietly—very Tell-Tale Heart—shuts the door again.
Trent extends a glass to Robert, who waves it away.
TRENT
C’mon, Bob.Robert winces at ‘Bob.’
TRENT (CONT’D)
Robert. Drink with me. Our worries are over, dude. Between the coronavirus and the reckless drivers, we’re actually gonna ace our quarterlies. C’mon, don’t make me drink alone.ROBERT
From what I’ve heard, you don’t mind drinking alone.TRENT
Ouch. Please, Robert. Roberto. Do me a favor. Don’t spread rumors.Robert considers Trent a moment, then snatches the glass and guzzles the contents.
TRENT (CONT’D)
That’s the ticket.Robert, having appeased Trent, slaps the empty glass back in his hand and resumes pacing.
ROBERT
Yesterday, Desmond dropped his tools and walked out.TRENT
Which one’s he? The embalmer?ROBERT
The cosmetologist. His paycheck bounced. Obviously, the bank made a mistake. But your phone was off?TRENT
Desmond. That’s the guy you caught whacking off–ROBERT
Watching porn. It’s hardly–TRENT
What kind of sicko gets his jollies while gluing a skull back together? Good riddance. You can fill in for a few days, right?ROBERT
It’s essentially plastic surgery! I can apply foundation and rouge—that’s about it. Desmond has years of training! Just to sew shut the mouths and eyes–TRENT
What’s the big deal? Didn’t you ever mend a sock?ROBERT
(gesturing to the ‘music’ door)
I’ve had complaints about this customer’s nose job. The mother seems to feel I got it wrong, and I have this sinking feeling that no amount of smooth talk will help.TRENT
Bob, Bob, Bobby. The guy went through a windshield. Maybe his dear old ma should have taught him to use a seatbelt.ROBERT
You want to go out there and say that to her?Trent’s body language – he’s up for it. Robert waves him off and goes back to pacing. Trent smirks and pours himself another glassful. Robert stops.
ROBERT
Why did Desmond’s paycheck bounce? With your deep pockets–TRENT
I needed liquid for a deal that, by the way, could make us extremely rich.ROBERT
So without asking me, without even mentioning it, you put our operating funds into a “deal.”
(a beat, aghast)
You’re not gambling with Bitcoin again?TRENT
Digital gold. It’s where everything’s trending. And it’s not gambling. I just needed a little gas for the Ethereum. I got burned using a cold wallet before, so I lost a bundle. But this time around I’ve put us into Non-Fungible Tokens, my wallet’s hot and my key is private and secure.Robert stares at him, incredulous.
ROBERT
Hot wallet. Cold wallet. Networks. Gas. And these– these– fungus–TRENT
NFTs.ROBERT
(snaps his fingers)
While back here on Planet Earth, we’ve got a negative bank balance and a botched nose job. Which doesn’t add up to the rosy picture you painted in your spreadsheets.TRENT
Okay, calm down. Ya gotta hold on. Just hold on, we’ll ride this wave and come through the other side. But please don’t bail on me, Bobby boy. You’re so good at this. The way you handle those ‘rona widows. Bobby baby, it’s art, watching you work.ROBERT
Could you please stop calling me that.TRENT
Whatever makes you happy. It’s small stuff. You wanta sweat it? Sure, okay. But remember – we both went into this proposition with our eyes wide open. And boy howdy, I’m glad I did. Cause this industry will never be short of customers.ROBERT
Desmond was wondering, and I have to agree, just what exactly you bring to the table.TRENT
I take it to the next level. Plus, Bobby dearest, we have a contract.Robert seethes.
TRENT (CONT’D)
C’mon, I’m making you a rich man, Bob. Bobbert. What are you gonna do? Beat me up?ROBERT
Desmond saw you at the Wag-a-Bag buying a pile of scratch-off tickets.TRENT
Is that what you told him? That I gamble? And does he know you snitched about his kinky tendencies?ROBERT
Never mind. What do I do about these people? The mother claims I turned her son into a Grotesque. That’s the term she used.TRENT
You want me to talk to her?ROBERT
Would you? I’m skilled at comforting people in their distress. I don’t do well when they’re angry.TRENT
Okay. All I need from you is, cover our costs for just like, another week. Two, tops. Just till I can shift some money around.Robert presses his lips together in frustration.
ROBERT
In that case, I’ll need one thing more from you.TRENT
Name it.ROBERT
Tell the family you were the one who worked on the nose.Trent takes a moment, recognizes a deal breaker when he sees one, so nods his agreement. He tips both the bottle and the glass, ensuring they’re empty, then sets them down on the table. He adjusts his tie and starts towards the ‘music’ door. Robert stops him, points towards the locked door.
ROBERT
It’s the guy’s brother. Uh, Joey, I think his name is. He’s waiting in the Grieving Room.TRENT
Don’t worry. By the time I get through with this guy, he’ll think we did him a favor, re-arranging that nose.Trent tries the locked door, casts Robert a surprised look. Shrugs, unbolts it, and exits.
Robert waits a moment, then quietly locks the door again. He smiles, savoring the moment. Then he kicks into action: stashes the bottle and glasses under the black bunting, smooths his already impossibly smooth hair, assumes a tragic expression, takes a deep breath, and crosses the room to exit towards the maudlin organ music.
-
Coming from playwriting, I tend to write dialogue-heavy scripts. I would have liked to cut a page out of this, but only succeeded in trimming a few lines. I noticed a few places where a different trait seemed to creep in. Next time, I think I’ll start with the instruction: “Before you write: Look at each character and make a list of the kinds of actions they might take and the kinds of things they might say.”
Thanks for having a look – honest feedback appreciated.
-
-
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
The room is a still life in muted colors: no windows, a closed door on either side, and furnished with two conservatively upholstered couches and a side table with black bunting. ROBERT (30s) and JOEY (50s) enter, flooding the room briefly with MAUDLIN ORGAN MUSIC coming from the main room. Silence descends instantly when Robert clicks the door shut. Every gesture of Robert’s is calculated to be soothing, giving the impression that he’s moving under water. His hair is impeccable, his black suit is well-fitted to his slim form. Joey’s tall, stocky, barrel-chested body is attired in black, but it’s a corduroy coat and nice jeans. This is a working-class guy with few occasions to dress up. Joey towers over Robert, who uses his inside voice. Joey is loud.
ROBERT
Let’s talk in here, shall we? We mustn’t upset people.JOEY
Upset? They’re already upset. His nose was never like that. Our mother’s torn up about it.ROBERT
I understand.JOEY
(punching his fist in his other palm)
What you’re not understanding is, I wanna have a conversation with the guy who was in charge of the nose. Cause that there is not a reconstruction. And we paid out the nose.
(realizing his unintended pun, proud of his wit)
Huh. Yeah? And I plan to reconstruct your guy’s nose.ROBERT
Thank you, sir. I will see if I can locate him. I’m sure we can reach an understanding.JOEY
Don’t count on it.Robert crosses to the other door, opposite from the ‘music’ door, and opens it.
ROBERT
If you’ll just have a seat in the grieving room. Down that hall and turn right.JOEY
(punches a fist into his other palm)
You send him to me. I’ll deliver some grief.ROBERT
Yes, sir. It may take a tiny moment to locate him. But I will return.JOEY
See that you do.Joey exits. Robert closes the door and, after a moment, quietly locks it. He paces, running his hand superficially over his perfectly coiffed hair, so as not to mess it up. TRENT (45) enters. A phrase of the MAUDLIN MUSIC seeps in till the door closes again. Trent’s blond hair is limp and shoulder length. His suit coat is black, but his garish tie is completely inappropriate for a funeral director. He opens his coat, where he has concealed a bottle of champagne.
TRENT
We did it, my man. Our one-hundredth corpse.Trent pulls a champagne glass from each pocket of his coat.
ROBERT
What are you–? What if they were to see? Those people are in mourning!TRENT
Somebody died. Of course, they’re mourning.Trent pops the cork, taking delight in the mini explosion. Robert glances at the locked door—nothing. He then hurries to the other door and opens it a crack, spies out. The MAUDLIN ORGAN MUSIC plays, till Robert quietly, quietly—very Tell-Tale Heart—shuts the door again.
Trent extends a glass to Robert, who waves it away.
TRENT
C’mon, Bob.Robert winces at ‘Bob.’
TRENT (CONT’D)
Sorry! Okay? Robert. Drink with me. Our worries are over, dude. Between the coronavirus and the reckless drivers, we’re actually gonna hit our quarterlies. C’mon, don’t make me drink alone.ROBERT
When has being alone ever stopped you?TRENT
Ouch. Please, Robert. Roberto. Be nice for once.Robert considers Trent a moment, then snatches the glass and guzzles the contents.
TRENT (CONT’D)
That’s the ticket.Robert, having appeased Trent, slaps the empty glass back in his hand and resumes pacing.
ROBERT
You say our worries are over? Desmond walked off the job yesterday.TRENT
Which one’s he? The embalmer?ROBERT
The cosmetologist. His paycheck bounced. I couldn’t reach you. Your phone was off?TRENT
Cosmetologist. Those guys grow on trees. You can fill in for a few days, right?ROBERT
It’s essentially plastic surgery! You need years of training. Desmond showed me how to apply the foundation and the rouge. That I could handle. But he’s the one who sews the mouths and eyes closed.TRENT
Didn’t you ever mend a sock?ROBERT
(gesturing to the ‘music’ door)
I’ve had complaints about this one’s nose job. The mother seems to feel I got it wrong, and I have a horrible, sinking feeling that here’s one situation I can’t smooth-talk my way out of.TRENT
Bob, Bob, Bobby. The guy went through a windshield. Maybe his dear old ma should have taught him to use a seatbelt.ROBERT
You want to go out there and say that to her?Trent’s body language – he’s up for it. Robert waves him off and goes back to pacing. Trent smirks and pours himself another glassful. Robert stops.
ROBERT
Why did Desmond’s paycheck bounce?TRENT
I gotta move some money around. What’s the big deal? With what we’re paying him, he’s not living paycheck-to-paycheck. Look, now that we’ve banked a hundred corpses–ROBERT
It doesn’t matter if we “bank” a hundred corpses, or a thousand, if you’re mismanaging funds–TRENT
I got us into a deal that’s going to make us very, exceedingly rich. We’ll be swimming in filthy lucre. We might as well change the company name to “BLING MORTICIANS.”ROBERT
Why not use your own funds? You’ve got such deep pockets–TRENT
It’s all tied up in investments. I needed liquid for this one–ROBERT
So without asking me, without even mentioning it, you put our operating funds into a “deal.”
(a beat, aghast)
You’re not gambling with Bitcoin again?TRENT
Digital gold. It’s where everything’s trending. And it’s not gambling. I just needed a little gas for the Ethereum. I got burned using a cold wallet before, so I lost a bundle. But this time around I’ve put us into Non-Fungible Tokens, my wallet’s hot and my key is private and secure.Robert stares at him, incredulous.
ROBERT
Hot wallet. Cold wallet. Networks. Gas. And these– these– fungus–TRENT
NFTs.ROBERT
(snaps his fingers)
While back here on Planet Earth, we’ve got a negative bank balance and a botched nose job. Which doesn’t add up to the rosy picture you painted in your spreadsheets.TRENT
Okay, calm down. Ya gotta hold on. Just hold on, we’ll ride this wave and come through the other side. But please don’t bail on me, Bobby boy. You’re so good at this. The way you handle those ‘rona widows. Bobby baby, it’s art, watching you work.ROBERT
Could you please stop calling me that.TRENT
Whatever makes you happy. It’s small stuff. You wanta sweat it? Sure, okay. But remember – we both went into this proposition with our eyes wide open. And boy howdy, I’m glad I did. Cause this industry will never be short of customers.ROBERT
So why do I need you, exactly?TRENT
I take it to the next level. Plus, we have a contract. You’re stuck with me, Bubs.Robert seethes.
TRENT (CONT’D)
C’mon, I’m making you a rich man, Bob. Bobbert. So what are you gonna do? Beat me up? Or are you gonna work with me here?ROBERT
Part of why Desmond was so furious is he saw you at the Wag-a-Bag buying a pile of scratch-off tickets.TRENT
And you told me you caught him watching porn while he worked. So on the one hand, I’m being smart by reducing the odds for a quick-pick. And he’s being a necrophiliac–
(against Robert’s objection)
— yes, sorry, but what kind of person gets titillated while using denture adhesive to glue a skull back together? Quite frankly, we should be happy to see him go.ROBERT
So what do I do about these people? The mother claims I turned her son into a Grotesque. That’s the term she used.TRENT
You want me to talk to her?ROBERT
Would you? I’m skilled at comforting people in their distress. I don’t do well when they’re angry.TRENT
Okay, done. All I need from you is, cover our costs for just like, another week. Two, tops. Just till I can move some money around.Robert presses his lips together in frustration.
ROBERT
In that case, I’ll need one thing more from you.TRENT
Name it.ROBERT
Tell the family you were the one who worked on the nose.Trent takes a moment, recognizes a deal breaker when he sees one, so nods his agreement. He tips both the glass and the bottle into his mouth, ensuring they’re empty, then sets them down on the table. He adjusts his tie and starts towards the ‘music’ door. Robert stops him, points towards the locked door.
ROBERT
It’s the guy’s brother. Uh, Joey, I think his name is. He’s waiting “to discuss the matter of the nose reconstruction” in the Grieving Room.TRENT
Don’t worry. By the time I get through with this guy, he’ll think we did him a favor, re-arranging that nose.Trent tries the locked door, casts Robert a surprised look. Shrugs, unbolts it, and exits.
Robert waits a moment, then quietly locks the door again. He smiles, savoring the moment. Then he kicks into action: stashes the bottle and glasses under the black bunting, smooths his already impossibly smooth hair, assumes a tragic expression, takes a deep breath, and crosses the room to exit towards the maudlin organ music.
-
KZ’s Maximum Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is finding the scene’s essence, then using Maximum Interest techniques while rewriting.
Logline: Oliver is intrigued by Tony and wants to unravel his mystery.
Essence: Tony admits that he does not have control over his life.
Rewrite techniques:
• Suspense
• Superior position / Dramatic irony
• IntrigueINT. APARTMENT HALLWAY – DAY
Tony saunters down the hallway, only to discover that Nolan’s door, #12E, is ajar. He peers in. Silhouetted against the window light is Nolan, in conversation with the Detective. Tony ducks out of sight before the others turn in his direction. He tries the handle of #12F, Oliver’s door. It’s unlocked. Tony lets himself in.INT. OLIVER’S APARTMENT – DAY
Tony, at the door, turns and sees Oliver, whose face registers both surprise and dismay.TONY
Hello again.OLIVER
Hello again.TONY
Sorry about this.Tony eyes the open sliding glass door, walks straight past Oliver and closes it.
OLIVER
Please. Just make yourself at home.TONY
(gestures next door)
Nolan’s interviewing the detective.OLIVER
Other way around, maybe?Oliver indicates the other side of the couch. They perch on opposite ends.
OLIVER
I’m trying to be a little careful during the pandemic.TONY
Oh, me too.OLIVER
I’m also drinking way too much. Care to join me?TONY
Love to.Oliver opens the fridge, pulls out the rosé.
TONY (CONT’D)
Was that champagne?Oliver puts the rosé back, pulls out a bottle of champagne.
TONY (CONT’D)
Unless you were saving it for something special.Oliver pops the top, pours two flutes, hands one to Tony.
TONY
Tony.OLIVER
Oliver.TONY
Here’s to making it special.They gesture at each other’s glass and drink.
OLIVER
So you were out. In the city.TONY
I went for a walk. Can’t stand it sometimes, being cooped up, living somebody else’s script, ya know?OLIVER
And you’re careful?TONY
Of course.OLIVER
How long have you lived next door?TONY
Technically, I don’t.OLIVER
Aha. But your partner does, the one who–Tony stops him by holding up his index finger and listening.
The sound of a DOOR CLICKING SHUT. A beat, then a KNOCK at Oliver’s door.
TONY
I was never here.He heads towards and then slides open the glass door. Downs his drink. Doesn’t know what to do with the flute. Stashes it in the potted plant. Closes the door. Puts his finger to his lips. He climbs over the balcony railing.
The KNOCK again, more insistent. Oliver answers it to find Detective Uhm, who flashes his badge.
DETECTIVE UHM
Yeah, uh. Just checking in.Oliver leans on the door jamb, unwelcoming. Michelle arrives, grabs the detective by the hand and pulls him past Oliver, into the apartment.
MICHELLE
What did I miss? Anything good?Oliver speaks sarcastically to the empty doorway.
OLIVER
Hello, Michelle, Detective Uhm. How’s the social distancing today?DETECTIVE UHM
Just a couple of questions, if I may–The Detective pulls out his pad, glances at his notes.
DETECTIVE UHM (CONT’D)
Apartment 12E. You ever have contact with the people next door?OLIVER
Just to say hello to.DETECTIVE UHM
Rumor has it the man likes to do original research for the murders in his novels.OLIVER
Haven’t read ’em.MICHELLE
What about when you ‘say hello’? He ever talk to you about his new book?DETECTIVE UHM
M’am, if you don’t mind–MICHELLE
Oh! Apologies. Anybody but me thirsty?Michelle moves to the kitchen, sees the champagne. She opens the correct cabinet door (she’s been here before) and grabs two beautifully ornate wine glasses.
DETECTIVE UHM
When you’ve “said hello” — Any mention of his new book? Ways of killing off characters?OLIVER
(to Michelle)
Careful! That’s a precious heirloom.
(to Detective)
Uh, no. Excuse me.Oliver removes the wine glasses from the counter, fills two generic champagne flutes. Michelle grabs them and heads to the Detective, who is examining a collection of extravagant shoes on a roll-around wardrobe.
MICHELLE
Okay, so what are we celebrating?She tries to hand the Detective champagne.
DETECTIVE UHM
I don’t drink.MICHELLE
That’s amazing! Neither do I!He goes back to examining the shoes. Keeping her eye on him, she downs one glass, then the other, hands the empties to Oliver and burps daintily.
MICHELLE (CONT’D)
Have you found a clue, Detective Yum?DETECTIVE UHM
Uhm. Well, they’re the right size, but they’re all pairs.
OLIVER
You’re looking for the dead guy’s shoe…in my apartment?DETECTIVE UHM
I’m looking for a shoe. I detect that you have a bunch of shoes. That’s what I do – I detect things.Michelle walks to the sliding glass door and opens it, as though giving a tour to a prospective tenant.
MICHELLE
You see, Detective? On this side of the building, all apartments have a balcony. But only these two are joined.She spies the glass in the potted plant.
MICHELLE (CONT’D)
Oh, what have we here? Hmmm. It’s a champagne glass. Did I just detect a clue, Detective?DETECTIVE UHM
Doubtful.
(to Oliver)
Have a nice day.He scribbles a note and snaps his notebook shut.
MICHELLE
If you need to question me again, I’m available.DETECTIVE UHM
I have your statement, m’am.MICHELLE
Please. Call me Michelle.The Detective heads for the door.
As Michelle passes Oliver, she says, quietly,MICHELLE
I didn’t know Tony liked champagne.The Detective exits, followed closely by Michelle.
Oliver’s expression: what just happened?Oliver places his guests’ used champagne glasses in the sink and spritzes them with cleaner.
Tony appears at the open door. He slips in, and places a single shoe among the others.
Oliver wants to refill his glass with champagne, but there are only a few drops left.
He grabs another bottle and as he twists the closure, he turns to see–
Tony is perched on the far edge of the couch.
Oliver, startled, pops the champagne cork, which shoots across the room and hits Tony.OLIVER
Oh! I’m so sorry!Tony maintains his composure, holds out his own glass, retrieved from the potted plant.
TONY
My timing is perfect.Oliver arches an eyebrow at Tony’s presumption and fills his glass.
OLIVER
Michelle said you don’t like champagne.TONY
(shrugs)
It feels right for this moment.OLIVER
Sounds like you have a history.TONY
As a drinker?OLIVER
With Michelle.TONY
Nolan did.OLIVER
Nolan is the writer.TONY
Nolan Harris. You’ve heard of him.OLIVER
No, I– don’t have much time to read. Well, in the Before times I didn’t. Guess I do now.TONY
Yeah, so she and Nolan had a thing… Back when Michelle was Michael. Long before I arrived on the scene.OLIVER
So how does she know what you drink?TONY
No doubt she monitors the empty bottles leaving the apartment.OLIVER
That, I could believe.Awkward silence. They sip drinks. They both speak at once.
OLIVER
So I thought that–
TONY
What happened with the–??An “after you, Alfonse” moment. They laugh. Tony gestures for Oliver to speak.
OLIVER
You said it would be bad if your partner saw me.TONY
It would.OLIVER
But you’re not worried now?TONY
He’s writing. Said he had “hot hands.” Very excited about the Detective’s visit. Gave him an idea for a plot point in his new novel.OLIVER
Won’t he wonder where you’ve gone?TONY
He’ll assume I went out. He hates it when I do, but I can’t stay in, pacing around the apartment like a caged animal.OLIVER
You’re not worried about catching the virus?TONY
Outside? Nah.He takes a face mask from his pocket, puts it on: a grinning skeleton. Eerie. He lowers the mask, replacing the printed grin with his own.
Another awkward silence.OLIVER
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to pry, but–TONY
Uh-oh. I might need some more hooch.Oliver refills his glass.
TONY
Okay. Pry away.OLIVER
Why would it– or HOW would it– be bad for you.TONY
He’s insanely jealous.OLIVER
Nolan.TONY
Very possessive.OLIVER
Jealousy… it’s so high school.TONY
Right? Like Susie’s going to the prom with Jimmy!They share a laugh. Tony drops it, becomes suddenly serious.
TONY (CONT’D)
Yeah, that’s not it at all. I’m talking ownership of the other person. Where you can’t bear for them even to look at someone else. The kind of jealousy that eats away at you from the inside.OLIVER
Why put up with it?Tony ponders a moment.
TONY
That feeling of being loved. It’s oppressive, yes. But to know that it’s you he wants, and no one else. That he’d actually kill to hold onto you.OLIVER
(not believing it)
Kill? Really.TONY
He based the hero of his last two novels on me. To be immortalized… What can I say? It’s seductive.Oliver gets lost in his eyes. The spell is broken by Nolan’s voice next door, calling out the front door.
NOLAN (O.S.)
Tony? Antonio!Tony sets down his glass. Oliver follows him to the front door.
TONY
Maybe we could finish this conversation later.OLIVER
But can you get away?TONY
Yes.OLIVER
I make a rather extraordinary risotto.TONY
One of my favorites.OLIVER
Nine o’clock?TONY
See you at nine.Tony opens the front door a crack, makes sure the coast is clear, slips out. Oliver eavesdrops, as Tony inserts his key next door.
NOLAN (O.S.)
Where were you?TONY (O.S.)
I went for a walk.NOLAN (O.S.)
There’s a pandemic, in case you hadn’t heard.The door slams shut. Oliver takes a moment to process his feelings, then heads for the kitchen.
-
KZ gets deep into her characters.
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is… understanding the collection of traits that creates a Regular or Extreme person, and a Bad Guy or a Good Guy. I have used David Freeman’s “character diamond,” but I had never thought about giving the baddie and the goodie one trait in common, or looking for extreme traits. I hold back with my characters and try to make them too “likeable” — and haven’t found that balance between extreme traits and making them so good, they’re boring.
Since I’m not getting together with people at the moment because of Covid and winter, and all the co-workers I regularly Zoom with are normal and not at all extreme, my characters are my neighbor and his latest girlfriend, and a person I like who lives in another state.
Person 1 – Aging Lothario
• Narcissist
• Charming
• Know-nothing know-it-all
• Phony woo-wooPerson 2 – Facebook Conquest
• Eager to please
• Whining
• Know-nothing know-it-all
• Woo-wooThe “Conquest” caught Covid while she was traveling (and gave it to the Aging Lothario). His illness wasn’t terrible because he was vaxxed, she was sick for the entire 3 weeks she came to stay because she was unvaxxed. Unvaxxed fits the “Know-nothing-Know it all” trait.
The Lothario’s charming trait is confirmed time and time again because he manages to convince these women (who are always about 20 years younger) and who are Facebook friends, to travel for a fling with long-term relationship possibilities (which never materialize because he’s insufferable).
Narcissist – confirmed: when asked during a phone call how the Conquest was recovering from Covid, he talked about playing guitar at a local restaurant and how in awe everyone was of his playing, because he’s “one of the top guitarists in the country.” When pressed about the Covid infections, he said that he was okay, but “the other person” was not doing well. The typical pattern with his Facebook Conquests is that once they move out of the “you’re awesome” phase and criticize him, even about responding too slowly to texts, he begins to otherize and demonize them.
Conquest: – the Narcissist has the trappings of wealth, although it’s a mirage, so on her first visit, the Conquest was eager to please; perhaps even desperate to please. Speaking a little too fast, flapping her hands, laughing a bit too enthusiastically. She and the Narcissist talk a bunch of New Age woo-woo nonsense. She seems to believe it. The Narcissist, I suspect, uses it as a line to seduce this kind of woman. Or has he used it for so many decades that he’s come to believe it as well? Hard to say.
Person 3 – Retiree
• Ditzy
• Good sense of humor
• Nurturing
• Socially bumblingThis person is someone I really like, but she can hardly ever follow the thread of a story, and will stop multiple times to say, “Wait. What?” She embraces her ditziness and throws herself into the role, pleading for input on huge life decisions that only she can make, but wanting someone else to do it for her.
She once accidentally sent a sext out to her entire office. (socially bumbling)
She’s very loving to her new dog, and nursed her previous aging dog through illness.
She makes delicious food and homemade bread and all her neighbors love her. (nurturing)A wealthy friend doesn’t like to be around her because of her ditziness, and she can feel his disapproval, but doesn’t know why, and is constantly trying to loop him in on Zoom calls with a group of friends. (ditziness, social bumbling)
This wealthy friend also has health problems and she once made a peach cobbler and insisted on dropping it off at his house, even though she was told it was something he couldn’t eat. (practical, waste-not, social bumbling)
She likes the show Ozark, which is very dark, and not sure how that fits in with her other traits, but it’s certainly another aspect to her personality worth considering — especially since it seems out of character.
-
KZ Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is… finding the Essence is hard. After the first lesson, I thought, “I’ll get to work right now and locate the essence of my scenes.” So I took out my printed script, and… couldn’t do it. Yikes! With this second lesson, I’m getting the hang of it more, but it isn’t easy. Fortunately, I knew the essence of my concept. I think this could really make a difference in my writing, so I’m excited to master this skill. It’s already helped me in the rewrite of this script.
Script I choose: Murder My Darlings (Thriller)
Scene 1 Location: p. 16
Logline: Michelle quizzes Oliver about the murder, criticizes his self-medicating supplements.
Essence I’ve discovered: State the theme’s opposite
New Logline: Michelle reveals she has given herself up to a higher power, that there is no free will.
Scene 2 Location: p. 19 – inciting incident?
Logline: Oliver hangs with Tony and falls in love.
Essence I’ve discovered: You can’t really know someone / people are incomprehensible
New Logline: While Oliver only sees Tony’s charms, the audience sees Tony with evidence from the crime that lets us know he was somehow involved.
Scene 3 Location: p. 27 – Oliver bumps up against the villain’s plan
Logline: Oliver and Tony get to know each other
Essence I’ve discovered: Michelle is positioning Oliver to become her means of being free of Tony, and saving herself
New Logline: Michelle and Tony wrangle for control over Oliver
Scene 4 Location: p. 81 – Plot point 2
Logline: Oliver discovers that Nolan is writing about him and knows his secrets
Essence I’ve discovered: Oliver denies the truth
New Logline: Oliver discovers Tog’s body, overhears an argument between Tony and Nolan that points to Tony as the murderer
Scene 5 Location: p. 95
Logline: In two separate scenes, Michelle and Andre confirm the truth about Oliver’s world
Essence I’ve discovered: Oliver is hit over the head with an inconvenient truth: he has no free will.
New Logline: Michelle and Andre try to convince Oliver to accept his fate
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Call me KZ. I’ve written lots of plays and screenplays. One was a finalist in the Industry Insider screenplay contest, and a film adaptation of one of my plays won Best Comedy Short at Worldfest Houston. I would like to WIN a contest sometime, which may require doubling the quality of my writing. Also, to learn to brainstorm ways to make scenes more exciting, and how to be a better collaborator. I’m currently writing a script for a director who has given me notes of questionable value, and I’d like to know how to navigate that.
Something perverse about me… I know the words to most of the old songs, but it’s always the ones whose words I don’t know that I try to sing.
And… I accomplish great things, but always by procrastinating on something else.
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KZ Finds the Essence
What I learned is that if you go through your script and ask yourself what the essence of each scene is, that you will achieve clarity and understand what you wanted to say, rather than only having a vague idea of what you meant.
Script I chose: ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND by Charlie Kaufman
Scene 1 Location: Midway point, page-wise; not sure where it fits on the usual paradigm
Logline: Clementine wants to have a baby, but Joel lets it slip that he thinks she’d be an unfit mother
Essence: This is the true ending of their relationship, the absolute low point, and they’re both happy to be rid of the memory of this awful moment. At this point, Joel is happy he decided to “erase” Clementine.
Scene 2 Location: p. 65 out of 130
Logline: A memory of Joel and Clementine hiking in the forest, while the memory erasure machine is on auto-pilot because Stan and Mary are making love and not paying attention.
Essence: We see some of what was wrong with Joel and Clementine’s relationship, and also what worked, and Joel takes a step towards figuring out how to stop the erasure.
Scene 3 Location: This would probably be Plot Point 2
Logline: Howard’s wife arrives and sees Howard and Mary kissing, which leads to Mary finding out that she already had an affair with Howard (which led to an abortion – the erasing of a child), but doesn’t remember because she had the memory erased.
Essence: People who are destined to be together can’t change their feelings just by erasing memories (which sets up the ending).
Scene 4 Location: p. 103 out of 130
Logline: In one of their first memories, Clementine breaks in to a beach house that is closed for the season, but Joel is afraid and says he wants to go. In the real memory, Clementine says, “So go.” Now she says, “Stay, this time.”
Essence: This is the moment they cement their relationship, but also where she whispers, “Meet me in Montauk,” setting up their reunion after they’ve had their memories erased.
Scene 5 Location: Last scene of the memory erasing
Logline: The last memory to be erased is their first memory together. The lovers know they are doomed to lose this last beautiful moment. Clementine says, “What should we do?” Joel says, “Enjoy it.”
Essence: This is a metaphor for life. We know we will die, but we have to savor the moment.
My selection for most profound essence is the final scene:
Location: Final Scene
Logline: Joel and Clementine make get-to-know-you chit-chat, while the recording tells about the dark ending of their relationship. Clementine leaves, but Joel pursues her and they acknowledge that although the relationship followed a typical arc for both of them, they’re willing to try again.
Essence: They know how it is likely to end, but they decide to embark on a new affair anyway.
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND by Charlie Kaufman
INT. JOEL’S APARTMENT AND HALLWAY – MORNING
Clementine advances down the hall, looking at apartment numbers until she comes to Joel’s. The door is ajar. Inside she can hear Joel’s voice, but can’t make out what he’s saying. She stands there for a moment then enters.IN JOEL’S APARTMENT
Clementine looks around; the place is not what she expected. She comes upon Joel in his study. The room looks as if it’s been ransacked. He’s listening to a tape of his own voice and holding a drawing. She stands and listens, too, unbeknownst to him.JOEL’S VOICE …that’s Clementine all over. Complete selfishness. Complete and utter disregard for anyone else’s feelings.
CLEMENTINE
Hi.He looks up. His eyes are red-rimmed and wild looking. They stare at each other.
JOEL
Hey.Joel’s taped voice drones on in the background.
JOEL (cont’d)
Look what I found.He holds up the drawing for Clementine to see. It’s the picture of her in the skeleton costume.
She studies it, touched and confused. She doesn’t know what to say.CLEMENTINE
Well, you made me look skinny.JOEL’S VOICE
She’s like a train wreck, tearing people apart, leaving chaos and destruction in her wake. And…CLEMENTINE
It’s a nice place you have.JOEL
Thanks. Y’know, it’s… relatively cheap. I like it. The location’s good. It’s not usually this messy.CLEMENTINE
It’s nice.JOEL’S VOICE
…seems obvious to me that it’s all based on some kind of mammoth insecurity.JOEL
I’m sorry I yelled at you.JOEL’S VOICE
She plays at being this rebel, free-spirit.CLEMENTINE
It’s okay. (beat) I like you so much. I hate that I said mean things about you.JOEL
I’ll turn this off.CLEMENTINE
No. I think it’s… I think it’s only fair.JOEL’S VOICE
I mean, the whole thing with the hair? It’s all bullshit. And it’s sort of pathetic when you’re thirty and you’re still doing that shit.JOEL
I really like your hair.CLEMENTINE
Thank you.JOEL
Can I get you something to drink?CLEMENTINE
Do you have any whiskey? I’m cold.JOEL
Yeah.Clementine enters the study as Joel exits into the kitchen.
IN THE KITCHEN
Joel finds his almost empty bottle of scotch in the cabinet. He pours the little left into two glasses, exits.IN JOEL’S STUDY
Joel enters with the two glasses of whiskey. Clementine sits on the couch, looking stunned. He hands her a glass.JOEL
Sorry, I thought there was more.JOEL’S VOICE
…that’s what occurred to me that night, that the only way Clem thinks she can get people to like her is to fuck them or at least dangle the possibility of getting fucked in front of them. And I think she’s so desperate and insecure that she’ll sooner or later she’ll just go around fucking everyone.CLEMENTINE
I don’t do that.JOEL
I wouldn’t have thought so.CLEMENTINE
Because I don’t.JOEL
I know.Joel turns off the tape.
CLEMENTINE (crying)
Because it really hurts me that you said that. Because I don’t do that.JOEL
Okay, I’m sorry.They both stare off. Finally:
CLEMENTINE
I’m sorry about this. I’m going to go. I’m a little confused. I don’t think I can be here.JOEL
Okay. Yeah. I’m sorry.Clementine gets up.
CLEMENTINE
So… bye. It was nice meeting you and all.JOEL
Yeah, you too. I had a good time.She exits.
IN THE HALLWAY
Clementine walks down the hall. Joel appears behind her.JOEL
Hey, wait.CLEMENTINE
What?JOEL
I just wanted to…He doesn’t know what to say, stops.
CLEMENTINE
What?JOEL
I just wanted to… Um, I was just wondering… how your bruise is? From falling. Y’know?CLEMENTINE
It hurts. My ass is purple.JOEL
I’m sorry. It was a nasty fall. I mean, it was sort of funny once I realized you weren’t dead.CLEMENTINE
I’m good for a laugh, anyway.JOEL
No, that’s not what I meant.CLEMENTINE
Anyway, look, I’m gonna go. Take care of yourself.JOEL
You too.She heads down the hall.
JOEL (cont’d)
Wait!CLEMENTINE
What?JOEL
I came up with another hair color.CLEMENTINE
(not turning)
Oh, yeah?JOEL
Brown versus The Board of Education.CLEMENTINE
(walking, no change of expression)
It’s a little cumbersome.JOEL
Wait!She stops and turns.
CLEMENTINE
(impatiently)
What, Joel? What do you want?JOEL
(at a loss)
I don’t know. Just wait. I just want you to wait for a while.They lock eyes for a long moment: Clementine stone-faced. Joel with a worried, knit brow. Clementine cracks up.
CLEMENTINE
Okay.JOEL
Really?CLEMENTINE
I’m not a concept, Joel. I’m just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. I’m not perfect.JOEL
I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you right now.CLEMENTINE
But you will. You will think of things. And I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped because that’s what happens with me.JOEL
Okay.CLEMENTINE
Okay.-
This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Kristina Zill.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Kristina Zill.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Kristina Zill.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Kristina Zill.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
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Kristina Zill
I agree to the terms of this release form
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Kristina’s High Concept / Elevator Pitch
What I learned from this assignment is that I can’t beat about the bush and tell all the other interesting stuff that happens in the script. I have to jump right to the Transformational Journey.
High Concept:
A man who has finally met his true love discovers that they’re both fictional characters, and their creator intends to have one of them die at the hands of the other during the next full moon.
Elevator Pitch:
At the height of the pandemic in New York City, an out-of-work costume designer, Oliver, falls in love with Tony, the young man next door, who is in an abusive relationship with Nolan, a best-selling author of supernatural thrillers. When Oliver discovers that both he and Tony are fictional characters, he must rewrite the narrative before he is killed by Tony, whose father was a werewolf, and who tends to be rather murderish when the moon is full.
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Kristina’s 10 most interesting things
What I learned is that highlighting the interesting components will make sure you give a pitch instead of a book report.
Since this is for a project I’m developing for a director, I’m not sure how he would feel if I outlined the story here before he sees it.
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KZ Producer/Manager
1. How will you present yourself and your project to a producer?
I will present myself as a writer who has created a unique screenplay using the Thriller and Profound movie models; that it will be relatively low-budget; that I want the script to be the best it can be; that I want to collaborate so that it gets made.
2. How will you present yourself and your project to a manager?
Quite honestly, I don’t think I would be very attractive to a manager as I am not interested in a career as a screenwriter only.
3. What I learned today is that getting the movie made is going to require letting go of the Ideal movie I have in my head, and learning to collaborate.
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Kristina’s Marketable Components
What I learned from this assignment: by emphasizing the hook, I can see how to make the script more engaging.
Current logline:
Oliver wants to deliver Tony from an abusive relationship with a writer who is obsessively jealous and a possible murderer. What Oliver doesn’t know is that Tony’s genetic makeup has resulted in him being seized by strange compulsions at certain times.
Unique: This movie contains Tarot readings, which I’ve never seen in a movie, but which I also cannot figure out how to get into the logline without providing too much detail
Great title: Murder Your Darlings
Timely: It’s set in New York City during the early days of the pandemic, and is a contained movie, which is still in demand due to Covid restrictions on movie sets; or
Timely: Magical creatures are popular? Tarot is popular?
Great roles for bankable actors:
• Oliver, engaging handsome lead
• Tony – sexy bad boy, victim, perpetrator
• Indigo – tough love Tarot reader
• Michelle – the proactive, nosy, Trans superintendent
• Nolan – needy, controlling, and as mesmerizing as a snake
Things I need to work on:
I need to keep honing the logline, and look for a similar box office success I can compare to. Also to think about the audience.
3. Elevate the components:
Tarot, werewolves, a love affair, murder, taking control of one’s destiny
I need to do some serious brainstorming on this, but also some of it will become apparent as I finish out the final scenes of the script, which I’m doing now.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Kristina Zill.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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1. Title: Murder the Darlings
Genre: Thriller
Concept: During lockdown in NYC, Oliver falls for the handsome guy, Tony, next door, who is in an abusive relationship with a bestselling writer of supernatural thrillers, while a detective tries to solve the murder of the last guy who flirted with Tony.
2. Most attractive: the supernatural elements
3. First, I will target producers… because I want to get the movie made
4. What I learned today is that my classmates all have terrific ideas for movies! Can’t wait to see them all on the big screen!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Kristina Zill.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Hi, I’m KZ, I’m a playwright and screenwriter living in the Catskill Mountains outside NYC.
I’ve written scripts in the Horror, Thriller, Comedy and Drama genres. I’ve taken a number of Hal’s courses, and always find them inspiring. Every time I start a new script, I go to my Hal binder and revisit the printouts.
I was a finalist in the Industry Insider Screenwriting Contest (Susannah Grant round) in 2013. A short film made from a play of mine, Forever Your Fireplace, won Best Short Comedy at Worldfest Houston in 2016. I’m currently writing a full-length Thriller for that same director.
Hoping to learn what to do with a script once I’ve finished it. How to avoid script issues by understanding the end game. How to be a better collaborator. How to pitch. How to take feedback. Well, in short, everything this class teaches is a skill I need to acquire.
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I agree to the terms of this release form.
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KZ’s Day 5 Assignment (The 3 Gradients)
What I learned is a way to dissect the story so that the change is plausible. I had never thought of weaknesses so explicitly. I believe this will improve my ability to outline so that I don’t find myself lost in the story without a clear way out.
1. Desired Change: Oliver wants to be the pursuer, not the pursued
1A. Emotion: Excitement
B. Action: Meets Tony
C. Challenge / Weakness: He waits for Tony to call
2A. Emotion: Doubt
B. Action: Tony warns him that Nolan is jealous, hints that he killed Raymond, the last guy to flirt with Tony
C. Challenge / weakness: Gary, whom he doesn’t love, offers him a safe haven
3A. Emotion: Hope
B: Action: Tony and Oliver bond
C. Challenge / weakness: Oliver finds out Nolan is attracted to him, can’t resist the admiration
4A. Emotion: Discouragement
B. Action: Nolan knows a lot about Oliver. Someone betrayed him. Was it Indigo or Tony?
C. Challenge / weakness: Falling back on his old paranoia
5A. Emotion: Courage
B. Action: Snoops around in Nolan’s apartment
C. Challenge / weakness: Jumps at every sound, sure that he’s going to get caught
6A. Emotion: Triumph
B. Action: Confronts Nolan, breaks off relationship with Gary
C. Challenge / weakness: about to back down at every moment
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KZ’s Lead Characters
What I learned doing the assignment is… that there’s value in going with a story solution, even if it changes later on.
Logline: During the pandemic, an out-of-work costume designer must solve a murder to save the man he loves from suffering the same fate.
Transformable character: Oliver, out-of-work costume designer who has lost his sense of identity.
Change Agent: Nolan, the writer next door.
The Oppression: the pandemic, which has isolated everyone
The betraying character: Olga, the superintendent who pretends to be his friend, but really spies on him and gossips to Nolan
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KZ’s Transformational Journey
What I learned doing this assignment is to work backwards from the ultimate transformation, which then reveals the beginning status quo and old ways.
OLIVER IS…
Logline: During the pandemic, an out-of-work costume designer must solve a murder to save the man he loves from the same fate.
Old ways:
Oliver has never been in love. Relationships were always about who could help his career or provide financial stability.
New ways:
Oliver is the one doing the pursuing. He meets Tony, who is in a controlling, abusive relationship, and he takes risks because for once in his life, he is in love.
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<div>Subject line: Kristina’s First Three Decisions</div><div>
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?”
</div><div>
What is your profound truth?
</div><div>
You can take control of your destiny and change the narrative.
What is the change your movie will cause with an audience?
You can break the control of a bully and live life on your own terms.
What is your Entertainment Vehicle that you will tell this story through?
As a Metaphor and a Thriller.
</div>
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Kristina’s analysis of Groundhog Day
What I learned from doing this assignment is that even with this movie that I have seen many times, there is more to be learned when looking through a particular lens.
GROUNDHOG DAY
1. The Transformational Journey:
Going from being a misanthrope who only wants to use people
and is disliked:
to someone who genuinely takes pleasure in others, and
who is liked and loved in return.
For the audience:
Treat others with genuine compassion, and you will receive the same.
2. Lead Characters
Change agent: Rita
Transformational character: Phil
Oppression: time warp that relives one day over and over.
3. Connection with audience
We go on this journey because we think Bill Murray is salvageable,
and we want to see him transform.
Relatability
• We are also irritated by people’s small talk
• We are also irritated by the insurance salesman
• We also walk past the beggar on the corner
• We also find certain traditions to be ridiculous
• We understand wanting to have sex with no consequences
• We understand wanting to walk off with the money
• We would like to be able to drive down the center of the RR tracks
• We would like to have a day without consequences
• We would like to have do-overs for our mistakes
Intrigue
• What will he do with his foreknowledge of events? (and we ask what we would do)
• Can he wake up at 6am after dying the day before?
• How long will this go on?
• What is the key to his breaking this curse?
• Can he commit suicide and break the cycle?
4. Old Ways Versus New Way
Old ways: he’s unkind to others. He’s alone. Undeserving of love.
New way: He has earned Rita’s love. He appreciates and loves others.
5. Gradient of change
The Transformation: Phil must learn to appreciate and love others.
The Psychological Gradient:
1. Abusive, but lonely
2. All of his relationships are transactional
3. He longs for something more
4. Wants Rita’s love, but can’t manipulate her, which is his usual method
5. Becomes truly caring of others
6. Becomes truly talented in playing the piano, which gives pleasure to others
7. Becomes worthy of Andie’s love because he has really changed.
6. Beliefs Challenged
How is the “old way” challenged?
• At first, he can manipulate a woman into bed; know not to step in the puddle; punch the insurance guy in the nose; steal the money and buy a rolls royce.
• When all of his base needs are satisfied, he tries to kill himself.
• When none of that works, he sets about making others’ lives better.
7. Profound moments
• Phil tries to save the homeless man’s life on repeated days until he finally realizes that it really was the old man’s time to die
• Phil prevents a boy from injuring himself by catching him when he falls from a tree.
• Phil breaks the pencil in half at night, but it’s whole again in the morning.
• Phil breaks himself and dies, but is alive again at 6 am.
• Phil tells Rita the truth and she believes him
• Phil wins Rita over by being genuine
• Phil sculpts Rita’s face in ice, which he could do without even looking, he knows it so well.
8. Profound Dialogue
Lots of examples, but I didn’t write them down. Will pay attention to that on a future viewing.
A couple I remember: Phil describes other people with a dead-end life going nowhere, and one of his drunken buddies says about his own life, “That pretty much sums it up.”
The nurse says, “Sometimes people just die.” Phil says, “Not today.” But even he can’t intervene with that part of another person’s journey.
9. Profound Ending
Phil wakes up, it’s 6:00, the radio’s playing and we think he’s lost that wonderful day with Rita… but she’s there! And she’s still in love with him! And then they burst out of the door of the B&B and play in the snow, like lovers.
10. Profound Truth
Self-hatred and cynicism end when you learn to value, love and care for others.
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I agree to the terms of the release form.
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KZ’s Teaser / High Speed Writing
What I learned doing this assignment: That the more I can do in the first session, the better.
I wrote 21 pages the first day, and would not have stopped except that it was dinner time.
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I also was pretty happy with my pilot structure, and I was interested to hear how AI might offer improvements, so I altered the prompt. If anyone would like to do the same, below is the prompt I gave to AI. Fill in the [format genre], the [pilot logline] and for [requirements], paste in the pilot structure you created:
*****
I have created the beats of a TV series Pilot 5-Act Structure, including turning points for [format/genre] with the pilot being [pilot logline] with [characters]. Please have a look at my [5-act structure], keep the [requirements], but offer suggestions for improvements.
The pilot’s purpose is to set up the journey and engage audiences to watch the entire series. It must deliver an engaging “inciting incident” of the entire TV series.
Definition of a turning point: a surprising or shocking major twist at the end of an Act. It will change things for one or more characters and/or the pilot.
5-act structure =
Teaser: What opening scene presents a compelling and dramatic hook that sets the tone, introduces a character doing something intriguing, ends with a twist, and compels us to watch the episode?
1ST ACT: Introduce the world and main characters as it looks on the surface.
Turning Point:
2ND ACT: How is the conflict introduced that leads to the Midpoint?
Turning Point: What Midpoint twist will reveal the intriguing future of this show?
3RD ACT: With the Midpoint twist, the characters are reeling. How does this uncertainty reveal deeper layers of the characters?
Turning Point:
4TH ACT: What major complications come from the character’s efforts to resolve the uncertainty and how does that make things worse?
Turning Point:
5TH ACT: How does this final act lock the characters into the journey of this show so that there is no going back?
Cliffhanger: What completely unexpected twist or major reveal will shock us to the core and create a major need to watch the next episode?
Format/Genre =
Pilot Logline =
Requirements =
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KZ’s Character Descriptions
What I learned: How to adjust the prompt because it was giving me vague descriptions and marketing hype. The result still wasn’t perfect, but rather than get AI to improve it, I can do it manually.
Here’s the new prompt – try it out! 😀
I am writing a TV series in [format/genre] about [concept]. For each main character, I will provide a basic [character description] and a complete [character profile]. In 3 sentences, can you improve the description by using information found in the profile, enhancing the character’s dilemmas, mystery, hidden layers, secrets, wounds, and intriguing points. Especially focus on what it is about this character that will cause problems for the others or the story line.
Format/genre =
Concept =
Character description =
Character profile =
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Hi, Etta – If you’d like to exchange feedback on the BW Framework, my email is kz@kristinazill.com
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Hi Peter – You posted your reply to the assignment on Nov 2nd. It was available to you as a Module 1 lesson, correct? But without the AI prompt. If you go back and look at Lesson 7 now, it will have been replaced with the lesson that includes the AI prompt. At least that’s how it was for me. KZ
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Hi, Sara – Hal mentioned on Saturday that Lesson 7 will be released sometime today – Tuesday Nov 7th.
Those of us who completed BWTV previously have early access to the lessons in this class, but they’re missing the AI component. And then we get the AI version along with everyone else. A very strange glitch in the system. It took me a while to figure that out.
Cheers, KZ
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Hey, Brian – I also had my main characters figured out, so I adjusted my prompt.
To quickly have a look, click on my name, which will take you to my profile. Then under Timeline, you can see my latest post for Lesson 3.
Hope that helps!
KZ
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Wow! Way cool. I work in sustainability because I don’t want to live in a world without elephants.
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Hi, Kitty,
I had never heard of that bumble bee before. When I looked it up, I realize I have them in my garden, too. Thanks for the insight!
KZ
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Hi, Joan,
I’m a fan of Nellie Bly, the journalist who was inspired by Jules Verne and famously went around the world in 72 days, long before the airplane era. Did you use any of her modes of transportation?
Cheers, KZ
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Hi, Etta,
I also got distracted in 2016 and lost about 4 years to activism. Gee, what was it that happened in 2016 again? Oh yeah… that. And I also have a garden. I used to be obsessed, but lately I’m only obsessed with writing.
See you in class,
KZ
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Hi, Etta!
Well, sometimes I write comedy that dares not to be funny. Very cutting edge, dontcha know.
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Hi, Griff,
I have heard that the Italian government is offering houses throughout rural Italy for super cheap to keep their villages from dying. Is that why you’re renovating in Taormina?
I took a semester of Italian many years ago so that I could sing along with opera. When I actually hear it spoken conversationally, it seems impossibly fast to understand. I’ll have to do total immersion at some point.
Ciao!
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My dad used to say, simulating some undetermined accent, “I speaka four languages, of which English, I speaka da best.” Yes, please call me KZ!
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Hi, Lawrence! I hope one day you’ll achieve your dream. Duo Lingo has free lessons to learn French, which can be accomplished in a mere 5 minutes a day. Meanwhile, here’s my suggestion for word of the day… Punaise de lit. (Bed bug) 😉 Nice to virtually meet you!
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Hi, Karen – several of us fell behind, but we’re still working towards completion of the class, so jump back in! You won’t be too far behind us, and we can all finish together.
KZ
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Thanks, Karen! I have to put my perfectionism on the shelf and trust the process.
May you also have a wonderful day!
KZ
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Hi, Karen,
It seems like the age of the viewer would depend on the show. For instance I’ll bet that TED LASSO has an older viewership, as would OZARK, whereas 13 REASONS WHY is obviously for the teen market (though strangely, when I just watched the first season on Netflix, all of the ads featured oldsters living it up on cruises).
I would say that if you have an actor in mind, go ahead and write it for the 50-year-old. You can always work in a juicy part for a younger actor and maybe get some crossover appeal.
KZ
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I’m trying to get this draft in shape so that it’s coherent. I’ve got notes in one file and some scenes I hadn’t changed yet.
I like paper, too, but I feel too guilty about the paper waste, so I just work digitally.
My email is: kz@kristinazill.com
I emailed you on March 29th (got your email from a previous module), so check your spam folder.
Please send your script as soon as you’re ready for feedback.
🙂
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Hi, Paul,
I sent you an email the other day. Maybe it went to your junk mail.
Is your script ready for feedback?
KZ
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Great approach, Paul! It makes me think that maybe I wasn’t as thorough as I should have been.
Do you print out your script to work on it, or do you only work on it digitally?
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You’re right, Paul – I was thinking the same thing.
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Module 6 is up!
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Hi, Paul,
So glad you’re still hanging in there. I was beginning to feel like I was in an episode of Twilight Zone, where everyone else had disappeared.
My script’s coming along well, looking forward to the next module where we elevate the quality of the scenes.
And who knows? Maybe we’ll even have a forum to post our assignments in. At least we know there will be a forum for Module 10. Why the others can’t be posted in advance will just have to remain one of life’s little mysteries, buried in the Omerta of customer service 😉
Cheers,
Kristina
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Hi, Paul – I hope you’re continuing to Module 6.
I’m ready to post my first 2 assignments… except that there IS no Forum for Module 6.
I contacted customer service a couple of days ago, so hopefully that will be resolved soon.
If you happen to know of a secret portal into the module 6 forum, if there’s a hidden entry through Diagon Alley, for instance, please let me know.
Till soon,
Kristina
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Hi, Danielle – how’s the first draft coming? Great idea to work in 5-minute chunks of time. Personally, I find that hard to do, but I have been able to carve out a half-hour here and there.
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Great technique! You rock, Paul!
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Thanks, Paul! You can do it, too!
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I agree that the better the outline, the easier it is to write that first draft!
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Hey Paul,
Looking back through some of your Module 4 assignments, it seems like you have enough plot touchstones to really plow ahead and master the high speed writing techniques.
I know it’s difficult not to be judgmental of your writing as it’s flowing from your fingertips, but you really do have to turn off that judgment for the time being. In one mastery session, Hal said (and I paraphrase) that if the writing is too good, you’ll become attached to it, and you could actually have trouble revamping a scene in later drafts for the benefit of the whole script.
With that in mind, you might create another document called “5 minute sprints” and then take a scene from further along in your script – Act 3 or 4 – and write that scene as fast as you can, “racing the timer.” That may help you dream up scenes for Act 2 because you’ll see what had to happen for the later events to make sense. If you don’t like the scene you wrote, re-set the timer and do it again.
My Act 3 was empty, but I trusted the process and came up with some solutions. I may decide to change them when we “elevate the quality,” but for now, I’m just going to fly through them as is.
I hope this helps. We all have our different processes for getting words on paper, and I’m determined to make my old ways sit on the sidelines for now so that I can fully try out this new method.
Your story looks really compelling. I think it will be a great screenplay.
As coach Bela Karolyi said to Kerri Strug before she executed a perfect flip that clenched the USA gymnastics team their Olympic Gold Medal, “You can do it.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4teMvG0RzyU
Happy writing! KZ
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Hi, @Marti – I also had not seen LOST, and felt like I was missing some context. So I looked it up on Wikipedia, and there’s an entire entry called “What Kate Did.” lol.
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Thanks, Steven! That worked for me too. See you in class! 😀 KZ
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Hi, Steven – I received the email, but the course isn’t listed in my classes, so I can’t access the recording or the lesson. Unfortunately, no one at S-U monitors these chats for questions. Submit your request to support here: https://screenwritingu.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/requests/new
Cheers,
Kristina -
Thanks for the helpful feedback, Ed!
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Hi, Ed – I posted feedback for this scene on the Day 16 forum. -KZ
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Hi, George – I posted feedback on your scene in Lesson 16. -KZ
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Hi, Ed – I posted feedback on this scene in Day-16
https://www.screenwritingclasses.com/forums/discussion/day-16-assignments-15/ -
Hi, George – good point.
Rewrites should be posted in Lesson 15. And then it looks like he wants us to post the critiques in Lesson 16. Is that your interpretation as well?
Thanks for getting us back on track!
KZ
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Hi, Ed,
Let’s exchange feedback! Love your scenes!
I believe we’re supposed to exchange feedback on the rewrite of this exercise.
See you there!
KZ
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Great scene, George!
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Hi, Judith,
There’s something interesting at the core of your scene, but this draft seems to discover new facts midway. Writing the first draft of a scene helps you discover what it’s about. The next step is to
rewrite it with that knowledge.Are Nick and John brothers? Neither one of them seems to realize that at first, and after Nick knows, John still seems to be in the dark. If they grew up together, wouldn’t John be aware that Nick had been beaten by their father?
In a full movie, we might have answers to questions that arise, such as what it was that Dad was plumbing. Since this is a contained scene, it would be nice to have that answered. Is it a sexual allusion? I hope not. I hope Dad found a nefarious way to be a plumber (aside from charging too much – LOL).
There are many different approaches that could make your scene stronger.
One way is by having Nick know from the beginning that it’s his brother, that John has supernatural powers, and that he’s in deep trouble. Rather than having the guard mysteriously vanish, what if Nick originally tells the guard he wants to go back to his cell as soon as he sees John, but then John turns the guard into a puddle. This would force Nick to talk to John. And it would also create a lot of suspense in the scene, because we would worry that the same fate would befall Nick.
Lesson 11 in Creative Mastery is about devising character traits in service to the story line. But in this Lesson, we’re doing the opposite: the characters’ traits create the story.
If you look at John and Nick’s given traits, the scene you’ve come up with makes it difficult to show them. For instance, how can Nick be confident when he’s in prison? He might be more confident if he had killed someone and had gotten away with it.
Or if John needs to trick people into showing their worst side, then you might think of a setting where trickery would be needed.
If you want to stay with the prison interview, maybe John is the long-lost-brother that Nick hasn’t seen since childhood (which is why Nick doesn’t recognize him), but John pretends to be Nick’s new lawyer in order to get information from him, and in the process, he hopes to bring out Nick’s worst side. Whereas Nick might connive to get the “lawyer” to do something illegal, like give him money so he can buy contraband cigarettes (and he’s confident that he can do so.) Nick’s interaction with the guard might show his rebellious side. His face might have bruises from his last act of rebellion.
I’m actually finding this technique is a really interesting way of building a plot. I had to keep at hand the Lesson 5, Day 6 “Skill Mastery Sheet for QE Process Part 1.” The most important instruction is: “Before you write: Look at each character and make a list of the kinds of actions they might take and the kinds of things they might say.”
I haven’t been completely successful at it myself, but the process has
great potential, and I hope to get better at it as the course
progresses. Right now, I find myself falling back on my usual way of writing, which is just to intuit characters once I’ve decided on a setting and plot, which is why my characters aren’t exhibiting all the traits, or they exhibit extra traits beyond the ones assigned. More than 4 traits risks turning the character into mush.The process isn’t easy, but I think mastering it could yield interesting results.
Hope this helps, and happy writing!
KZ
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Hi, Judith – it’s in the other lesson 9, after the video critique. The lessons were posted out of order. So you have to mark the video critique as completed, and that will open up the other lesson that has the scene.
Also, we’re supposed to do critiques on our rewrites of this lesson, not the first draft, which we post here.
Confused yet? 😉
Cheers, KZ
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Hey, everyone – the Lesson 9s are out of order. You have to mark the Lesson 9 Video Critique “Complete” so you can open up Lesson 9 Critique Scene. Read the scene, then go back and watch the Videos. *sigh*
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Thanks, Gary. Your feedback is very much appreciated.
I think you’re right about the middle section, and it’s good to know where the attention starts to wander. To improve this scene, I think I’d have to ditch a huge chunk and keep the focus on the botched nose job and the impending ass-whooping.
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Hi, Gary,
A few thoughts on your scene.
It looks like the conversation at EXT. PORT DECK – SAME should be between TRENT and Melissa.
I like that you changed the Robert/Melissa exchange into something more insidious than just him trying to kiss her — which reflects badly on Robert, but not on Trent. We need to see what Robert could possibly say to Melissa that made her throw away her ring and never want to see her fiancé again, without even questioning him.
When Trent pushes his way through the crowd to confront Robert, the reader assumes it’s going to be about whatever Robert told Melissa… but that doesn’t top Trent’s list of grievances. If it doesn’t matter to Trent, it doesn’t matter to us.
The introduction of the line of credit from Melissa’s father is juicy. How about in the first encounter, if Robert gives Melissa proof that Trent only loves her for her money…rather than just having Robert passively say it to Trent.
Can we see Trent being meticulous in drawing the truth out of Robert?
You could include the interest technique Uncertainty – hope/fear by making us care about Trent’s relationship with Melissa. Maybe it’s not true that Trent is only interested in Melissa for the money and he really loves her. Then there’s more at stake when he loses her.
There’s no reversal in Trent hitting Robert, since anyone would be angry in that situation. Since Trent wants Robert off the boat, rather than having him declare that wish, what if he tricks Robert into falling overboard? That would make a splash! Then you could give Trent the last line.
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Great scene, George! But… I liked your first version better.
As a rule, I go with Robert McKee’s dim view of voice overs. Sometimes they work, but usually they’re put in place to cover a weakness in the script.
In your first version, you had Robert score with the Tinder date at the end. What if he’s this secret drug kingpin, but his Tinder date stands him up? And he has low self-esteem, so he expects that outcome.
ROBERT: I’m not usually, but Tinder dates, you know.
Maybe here, instead of being vague, he could predict that she won’t show. (After all, a woman going on a first Tinder date wouldn’t know he’s a big shot.) That could create a funny paradox in his traits. He’s the Dragon, but where women are concerned, he’s riddled with insecurity.
When he gives a “bump” to the woman at Trent’s table, maybe he’s more tentative, and Trent grabs the baggie and pretends it’s from him (utilizing his subtext.)
Also, Robert has gone to such lengths to keep anyone from knowing who he is… yet he reveals it to Trent? When you have Robert raise his hands in the men’s room, that was a great ploy. It seems like he’s also under attack. Maybe the gunman seems to threaten Robert too, and it’s only revealed to the audience the he’s really The Dragon.
You could have one of the guys take Robert out of the restroom, and maybe we think he’s in trouble, which utilizes the Uncertainty – hope/fear interest technique… and then we have the interest technique of Mislead/Reveal when we find out that he’s the Dragon.
In your first version, the introduction to both Robert and Trent crackled with action. Less so in the rewrite. For me, the jokes about the cape fell flat as a running gag. Trent actually seemed more dangerous in the first version. Though I would have to add “reckless” to his list of traits, since he seemed to believe he could kill Robert in front of everybody at the club.
I guess what I learned from doing this critique is that the process of improving the quality may be more difficult on a scene that is already pretty good.
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Moved this critique to Day 6, where it belonged. 😀
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z