Larry Maenpaa
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What I learned doing this assignment is that I could add some more depth to the characters. I also see the importance of how to reveal the layers.
Location Layers
Surface Layer: appears as an ordinary limousine<div>
Beneath That: protagonist has rigged it as a trap by which to kidnap the antagonist.
Beneath that: The car becomes a courtroom as the protagonist will “try” the antagonist for “crimes against the environment.”
How Revealed: Trap is revealed when the chauffer (protagonist) locks the doors, windows and puts up a partition screen separating front form back seats.
The courtroom is revealed when the protagonist tells his passenger that he is on trial and he will be communicating through a monitor and microphone.
Character Layers:
Henry Magros – protagonist
Surface Layer: Magros is initially presented as a chauffer
Beneath that: He is a geeky, brilliant guy who has degrees in robotic and automotive engineering and was working in a company developing the next-gen electric cars he founded until it was liquidated by the antagonist and Magros lost most of his personal investment
Beneath that: he was brought up by a single mom who happened to have been the antagonist’s first love but eventually committed suicide after the antagonist trashed her career. Magros only recently discovers this.
Beneath that: Henry had gone into building electric cars because he was passionate about saving the environment. After the company is liquidated, Henry become obsessed with saving the planet. He sees those that produce oil as enemies of the environment and believes that if they are held personally accountable things will change. He decides to become “The Green Avenger” and directly go after those he thinks are responsible for damaging the environment.
Bentley Monroe II – antagonist
Surface layer – Monroe is a billionaire oil baron, having built on his father’s early oil company and turning it into a conglomerate.
Beneath that: Monroe is driven as he is constantly trying to live up to his father’s unattainable expectations in order to meet his father’s approval. Success is only measured by continual growth. Family motto: “Too much is barely enough.”
Beneath that: He sees any advancements in green technology as threats to his empire, preferring the world remain dependent on fossil fuels. He will do anything to repress any development in things that would lessen that dependence.
Beneath that: Monroe has a shady past. He has covered up, with the help of the government, oil spills that have ruined local environments and cost tourism industry millions by claiming “natural disasters,” not negligence or below standard operations and equipment that were used, caused the spills.
Beneath that: He was jilted by Henry’s mother, his first and only true love, so he trashed her career which led her to suicide. He became cold-hearted as a result of that wound, but had regrets he buried within himself.
Plot Layers:
Surface layer: A billionaire is being driven for a business meeting, starting in San Francisco and ending in L. A.
Beneath that: Monroe finds he is being held captive
Beneath that: Monroe finds he is on “trial,” being accused of directly and personally damaging the environment
How Revealed: He is told by the Green Avenger alias Magros.
Secret Identity: The Green Avenger is actually Magros
Intrigue Layers:
– initially what are the reasons for the abduction?
– will Monroe ever escape?
– how will the trial proceed?
– what evidence will be presented
– what will be Monroe’s defence?
– what will be the verdict?
– what will be the sentence if found guilty
– how will the revelation that Magros’ mother was Monroe’s first love and that Monroe is Henry’s father play out?
Hidden Character Layers:
-Magros is the bastard child of Monroe
– Magros has become the “Green Avenger”
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Larry’s Character Journeys
What I learned doing this assignment is to create a beginning, middle and end for each character’s journey adding twists (i.e. turning points) to move from “act” to the next. The process also helped me shape my plot at the same time as I realized I needed more substance to build the story. There basically two main characters (may be a third one down the line).
Henry Magros’ Journey
Beginning – Intro
Henry Magro is a chauffer for rich oil baron, Bentley Monroe II, whose assignment for the day is to pick up and drive his boss from his San Francisco mansion to L. A.
Act I – Turning point # 1 – The Trial
Magro reveals himself as the “Green Avenger” and has trapped his boss in the back seat of the car. He tells the boss that he is being held accountable in a “trial” for the environmental damages his companies have inflicted. The Avenger will be “judge, jury, even executioner” if his Monroe is found liable. (Yes, Magro is a little bent.)
Act II – Turning Point #2 – It becomes personal
Magro reveals he worked at an electric car manufacturer as an engineer which Monroe bought and trashed to try to delay the green economy which would spell the end of the petroleum industry – and his empire.
Magro reveals that Monroe’s first true love was also Henry’s mother who jilted Monroe. Monroe trashed her career sending her into a downward spiral towards suicide. Henry is also the illegitimate child of Monroe.
Dilemma: If Magro releases Monroe his identity may be exposed; if he kills him he is guilty of patricide.
Climax: Magro finds Monroe guilty and sends the car speeding towards the edge of a cliff. At the last second he hits the brakes (oh, did I mention the “driver” is an android?). Magro realizes that he does not want blood on his hands, especially that of his father. He tells his father he must change oil production to improve the environment – or else. Monroe leaps out of the car and, having faced near death and now wracked with guilt, breaks down emotionally. Mind scrambled, he wanders onto the highway where an oil tanker truck runs him over by accident. (Oil truck may be a little to on-the-nose or just nature’s karma at work?)
Bentley Monroe II’s Journey
Beginning – Introduction
Monroe orders his car get him to drive to a meeting from San Francisco to L.A as he suffers from aerophobia and thinks the long drive will allow him to relax
Act I – Turning point # 1 – The Trial
Once on the highway, the driver informs he trapped and is on trial. Efforts to escape prove futile. He is charged with crimes against the environment. He defends his actions as necessary for the economy.
Act II – Turning Point #2 – It becomes personal
Monroe finds out the electric car company he dismantled had Magro as an employee but argues it “was just business” as the firm had been losing money and no breakthrough was apparent.
He is shocked to hear his first love had committed suicide and that he had a son.
Climax:
After his near-death experience, he vaults out of his car. He is overwhelmed by all the information he has received and that he has agreed to corporate changes that he opposed for so long. Being a climate change he finds it hard to accept what was presented to him by the Green Avenger. IN a daze he wanders onto the highway. Was he subconsciously looking to commit suicide? You, dear reader, has to decide that.
The end – but not quite. Stay tuned.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that by using the 11 different ways to look for depth it helped to define the characters more fully, add dimension and motivations for what they were about to engage in. It pushed me to look at background more which would provide the conflict points between the two characters.
1. Character Profile: Henry Magos
Henry is a somewhat “bent” inventor and foremost authority on automated cars, which, he believes, will be the basis for a green economy.
Motivations
– wants to hold those he feels are ruining the planet and hold them accountable
– seeks revenge for the man who destroyed his mother’s life
Secret
– has adopted a persona of a “green avenger;” he takes action as a “crusader” against those who are adversely affect the environment
– he is the bastard child of oil baron Bentley Monroe II
Wound
– when Henry’s mother rejected the love advances of Bentley Monroe II, Bentley set out to destroy her credibility, thus her career; Henry saw his mother descend into alcoholism and eventual suicide
Subtext
– the methods of Henry’s “crusade” are illegal and he does not want his identity discovered.
Layers
– Henry and Bentley Monroe II have a shared past through Henry’s mother; Bentley Monroe II was wounded by the rejection and Henry by the suicide of his mother
– Bentley Monroe II had disbanded a company that Henry had worked for just as Henry was developing a key breakthrough; Henry was out of work and the project money stopped so he could not continue his work
– each is at odds with the other: Bentley Monroe II wants to forestall electric auto development so as he can continue to rake profits while Henry wants to eliminate obstacles to saving the planet
2. Character Profile:
Motivations
– Want: continue to build a empire
– Need: live up to his father’s unrealistic expectations of how the father defined a “successful businessman”
– he is a “collector” of things, businesses, money, people
– power hungry
Secrets
– has had shady dealings via government contracts
– coverup of a serious oil spill
– has had a series of affairs
– manipulated company info to enhance stock values of his companies
Wound
– after being rejected by Henry’s mother, his first and only true love he became misogenistic
– father never satisfied with Bentley Monroe II’s efforts to build an empire; Bentley kept trying to live up to unrealistic expectations and could not reconcile his perceived shortcomings
Subtext
– Bentley Monroe II is fearful that his secrets will come out and he will be ruined
Layers
– fearful of failure
– fearful green economy will ruin him
– fearful his past will come out
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<div>Larry’s Right Characters</div>
What I learned doing this assignment is to find a unique relationship that provides sufficient motives for the protagonist to want to seek revenge against the antagonist. By providing multiple motives, the story gains depth and sustains the mystery as to why the antagonist has been targeted.
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With each of your main characters, how can they uniquely fit with the Hook?
With consideration of the setting, there are two main characters; a greedy billionaire (antagonist) and a revenge-seeking psychopath (protagonist) who happens to be a brilliant, but bent, car inventor. The uniqueness lies in that the psycho has trapped the billionaire in a car rigged by the psycho that provides no escape for the billionaire. The billionaire is taken on a ride, the car being driven by an android. The inventor has full control of the car and wants the billionaire to confess to past sins. The inventor sees himself as a “green avenger” who wants to punish those who violate the environment. But wait, there’s more!
Thinking about the conflict that hook creates, how does each main character enhance or cause that conflict? Tell us what makes these characters the “right ones” for this story?
The characters are “right” for this story. The greedy, ruthless billionaire has a past with a multitude of sins, but has kept them well-hidden. The psycho wants the billionaire to face them. What is later revealed is that the billionaire is actually the inventor is a bastard child of the billionaire, who wronged the psycho’s mother
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Subject: Great Hook
A. How did this process work for you? B. What did you learn doing this assignment?
I came up with five possible scenarios for a contained film. Each has merits, but I chose one that I feel has the greatest potential. The assignment forced me to really dig into the general premise to define the hook that inspired the original idea.
For me, the following helped:
Having to do with ___________, what haven’t we seen before.
Taking your 5 ideas from the Pre-Lesson, use the techniques below to brainstorm possible major hooks. I realized the best hook was creating a mystery as the key to the hook.
I learnt that I had to continually revise the hook until I got to the key that would make the hook great. The hook went through a lot of revisions until I could see exactly what would make the movie work.
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ASSIGNMENT PART 1: Select Your Project
1. Go through your five ideas and determine which of them can easily fit the Covid-19 guidelines. For the moment, don’t list the ideas. Just tell us your experience of evaluating them based upon the guidelines.
A. It can be done as a contained story.<div>
B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences.
C. There is something unique about it.
As I worked through each of the five scenarios I created, I realized each followed the guidelines quite closely. I kept primary actor numbers to two at most. I tried to incorporate a unique angle in each story to provide suspense. The key to a pitch would be to highlight the predicament of the main character and its tension.
ASSIGNMENT PART 2: Adjust a Produced Movie to Covid Guidelines
What I learned doing this assignment is that even a contained movie (like Debug) can be tightened up significantly. By analyzing each element (number of actors, set environment, CGI requirements, etc) a movie can significantly make cuts and keep the core story.
Pick a movie that is outside the Covid Guidelines and give us your thoughts on how they could make it in the current production environment.
TITLE: Debug
Setting: A large space ship
The story line is about a crew of seven people, 6 criminal computer hackers plus a supervisor, who are sent to an abandoned “freighter” (actually a prison ship) in outer space. Their mission is to repair computer code and eliminate “rogue” programs. However, the ship, with seven decks (conveniently one per person), has been taken over by “bioware,” an evil, sadistic computer entity that kills people and absorbs their persona. By the end, six are killed in various ways, including one who sacrifices herself so as to destroy the bioware.
There is a mix of exterior shots, to simulate outer space and two ships involved, and numerous, somewhat elaborate interior shots (presumably to give it a futuristic look) to provide places to kill each crew member in a different way and to have them run around in corridors.
AS THEY DID IT:
A. People: seven + the computer entity which manifests itself in screen displays and avatar form.
B. Stunts: none
C. Extras: One (back on earth)
D. Wardrobe: basic jumpsuits + spacesuits
E. Hair and Make Up: minimal
F. Kids and Animals: one
G. Quarantine: there is some group actions and interactions in pairs. So quarantine would be advisable. Eight actors at least.
COVID GUIDELINE VERSION:
I would reduce the number of crew to one plus the evil entity and reduce the “size” of the ship so there would be lower costs. I’d reduce the exterior shots as some seemed superfluous. I would heighten suspense and tension between the entity, making it more of a psychological thriller compared to the original movie which relied a fair bit of gore and chase scenes trying to avoid a crewman-turned killer and to escape via a shuttle.
A. People: one crew member + evil entity
B. Stunts: none
C. Extras: none (it was one element that could be cut from the original)
D. Wardrobe: no change
E. Hair and Make Up: no change
F. Kids and Animals: reduce by one
G. Quarantine: Still require some group and interpersonal interaction.
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I agree to the terms of the group confidentiality agreement in it entirety.
Larry Maenpaa
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1. Name? Larry
2. How many scripts you’ve written? zero, but one in progress
3. What you hope to get out of the class?
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I’m about as average as they come so cannot lay claim to anything unique, special, strange or unusual.
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Subject: Larry’s Thriller Map Version 1
What I learned is that the sequencing of the clues is very important and that by setting the order I could see if there was a logical flow. I saw some flaws in the clue trail which I tightened up.
Below is the basic backbone of the script, although details have been left out for brevity’s sake.
SPOILT ALERT: If you have been following my posts you know just about everything so there is not much M.I.S. So break out your Men In Black Neuralyzer and try to wipe out your memory of my story.
INT. – SCHOOL GYM – WINTER AFTERNOON
PETER SMITH, an elementary gym teacher, is conducting a basketball practice. JEROME, a talented but an ongoing pain-in-the-ass, gives Peter attitude so PETER has him do laps. PETER UPTON, school superintendent and PETER discuss the “problem child.” UPTON complains about his contact lenses bothering him. UPTON goes to see the principal. PETER leaves JEROME running and drives home, arriving quite late.
INT. – SCHOOL GYM – OUTSIDE CHANGE ROOM
Muffled man’s voice is heard giving instructions for someone to keep changing his body position. Each instruction is followed by a flashbulb going off. JAMES WASHINGTON, the school janitor who has brain damage, comes into gym, witnesses this from outside door and starts to run away. He drops his eyeglasses, retrieves them then hastily leaves.
INT. – CHANGE ROOM – INSIDE
CLOSE-UP: sports trophy, held in gloved hand, raised then strikes downward
INT. – WASHINGTON’S BEDROOM
WASHINGTON is curled up in his bed, mumbling over and over: “I remember, I remember.” MOTHER is at his side.
INT. – JUDGE’S CHAMBER – NIGHT
Two men sit in shadows on the fringe of a pool of light cast on a desk by a lamp. An envelope passes between the two, the receiving arm cloaked in a judge’s robe and there is a distinctive ring on the hand. The envelope is opened and the man, still in shadows, looks over the pictures saying he approves of them.
INT. – POLICE STATION – NIGHT
JACK WALINSKI, station captain, calls CASMIR BOROWSKI, a detective specializing in missing persons, tells him he has a new case, a kid named Jerome. Later, WALINSKI gets an anonymous tip that Jerome is dead, where to find the body, and who the killer is.
INT. – POLICE STATION – NIGHT
WALINSKI calls in BOROWSKI and assigns him to the murder case although he has never worked a murder case. Later, WALINSKI calls JIMMY KRONOS into his office, a friend of Borowski, and tells him “to shadow” Borowski and “report his every move.” Borowski overhears this from outside the office and becomes suspicious of Kronos and Walinski.
INT. – SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
PETER is called into the principal’s office (adorned with teddy bears, children’s photos and a candy jar) and is arrested by BOROWSKI.
INT. – POLICE STATION, INTERROGATION ROOM- SAME DAY
SMITH is shown incriminating evidence: photos taken of Jerome and the murder weapon (sports trophy). He has no alibi. He’s formally charged.
INT. – POLICE STATION, CAPTAIN’S OFFICE – DAY
WALINSKI gets phone call from Police Chief. Chief: “Close case or people will get busted.” He relays this to BOROWSKI.
INT. – COURTROOM – DAY
Court room is packed, CHIEF sits close to PROSECUTION’S table. Evidence is presented by prosecution. UPTON testifies what he saw on the day child was killed and adds damaging character information. The JUDGE finds defence evidence inadmissible and directs jury towards a guilty verdict. C/U: as judge ends trial bringing down gavel, a distinctive ring is seen.
INT. – POLICE STATION – DAY
WASHINGTON and his MOTHER are at the station suggesting another man may be responsible for the death of Jerome as WASHINGTON had been attacked as a boy and brain-damaged in the assault. He works with the police artist who draws a vague likeness of Upton, but wearing heavy-rimmed glasses. KRONOS takes picture and buries it in his desk drawer. BOROWSKI directs BOROWSKI to go over the evidence of the WASHINGTON case.
INT. – POLICE STATION, EVIDENCE LOCKER -SAME DAY
Among other things, BOROWSKI finds pair of glasses with fingerprint on one lens. He assumes they belong to Washington.
INT. – POLICE STATION – SAME DAY
BOROWSKI brings glasses to WASHINGTON, but MOTHER says her son only wore glasses after the assault when his eyesight was damaged. BOROWSKI wonders aloud who the glasses belong to. He sends glasses to forensics.
INT. – POLICE STATION – DAY
BOROWSKI is sitting in a room studying a map on a wall with pins where all missing children and dead ones came from. There are clusters, primarily in the South side of Chicago. The Chief comes by and orders BOROWSKI to desist and “start working on NEW cases.” [Expletives deleted.]
INT. – JUDGE’S CHAMBER
JUDGE receives phone call; detective won’t leave case alone. Judge says Borowski is to be “scared off” from further investigation.
EXT. – SIDE STREET IN QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD – MORNING
BOROWSKI has left his home and a car races at him, just missing him as the detective rolls out of the way.
INT. – BOROWSKI’S HOME – DAY
BOROWSKI tells wife what happened. WIFE says he needs to stop investigation or she leave him for the safety of herself and her son.
INT. – POLICE STATION – SAME DAY
BOROWSKI receives phone call about near “accident” and told to stop investigation. After, he receives a phone call. The fingerprint is not the teacher’s. After, he goes back to the map. KRONOS comes by and suggests the clusters could be around schools.
INT – BOROWSKI’S HOME – NIGHT
BOROWSKI has come home to find his home without wife and son. He drinks vodka heavily while questioning whether this is all worth the effort, given he still has no real lead to anything concrete.
INT. – POLICE STATION – DAY
BOROWSKI receives a phone call. The fingerprint on the glasses does NOT match the teacher. BOROWSKI has a map of Chicago school board and starts pinpointing schools and drawing boundaries of school attendance zones. Clusters centre around select schools and only certain zones.
INT. – JUDGE’S CHAMBER – SAME DAY
JUDGE receives phone call that Borowski persists. JUDGE orders Borowski “eliminated.”
INT. – SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – SAME DAY
Principal on phone: “I’ve got one for you. She’s here now.”
INT. – SCHOOL CORRIDOR – SAME DAY
UPTON is escorting a child towards the exit. He carries a camera. BOROWSKI has come in for some follow-up with the principal. UPTON and BOROWSKI chat. BOROWSKI asks about the camera. UPTON says it’s a hobby. UPTON says he will “shoot’ the girl for a special Board project highlighting top students. BOROWSKI asks about his postings. UPTON says he’s only been assigned to one area.
INT. – POLICE STATION – DAY
BOROWSKI phones the school board and finds Upton has been overseeing many areas, and, when BOROWSKI plots his areas of responsibility on his map, they match the areas of clusters.
EXT. – POLICE STATION – DAY – SAME DAY
BOROWSKI is leaving the station. A rifle shot rings out. He ducks. A second shot barely misses him. WALINSKI races out and other policemen follow. BOROWSKI points to nearby rooftop.
EXT. – ROOF TOP – SAME DAY
WALINSKI reaches the top first and runs to the edge of the roof with a low-lying ledge. He scoops up two shell casings before anyone else is present. As BOROWSKI comes onto roof and peers over the edge WALINSKI reaches out, appearing ready to shove BOROWSKI. Another officer arrives and WALINSKI pulls BOROWSKI back.
INT. – SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON
PRINCIPAL on the phone: “I’ve found Borowski’s boy. He’s at Elm Street Elementary.” Close-up: As he hangs up the phone distinctive ring is seen on his finger.
INT. – POLICE STATION – SAME AFTERNOON
BOROWSKI receives a phone call from UPTON: “Good news. Your boy has been selected for our special Board project.” After, his wife phones: “Our son is not home from school yet.” He talks to KRONOS: “I’ve got a hunch about this case, but if I’m wrong I’m done for.”
EXT/INT. – NICE SUBURBAN HOME – NIGHT
BOROWSKI breaks into Upton’s home. He looks about. Numerous nick-knacks, including teddy bears, abound. He goes into the basement and finds a dark room. He finds pics of children, plus negatives of Jerome’s pictures and pics of his son with a label, “next” on one. He leaves, taking nothing.
INT. BOROWSKI’s HOME – SAME NIGHT
BOROWSKI receives a phone call directing him to an abandoned warehouse where a kidnapper is holding his son.
INT. – ABANDONED WAREHOUSE – SAME NIGHT
As BOROWSKI walks into a large warehouse space and stands in a pool of light. UPTON emerges from the shadow holding the BOY and a gun. As UPTON tells the detective he was too close to the truth, the boy kicks UPTON and runs. UPTON shoots at the boy. There is gun play with BOROWSKI. UPTON shoots BOROWSKI who falls down an elevator shaft and appears dead.
INT. – UPTON’S HOUSE – DAY
Police break in and enter darkroom.
INT. – SCHOOL BOARD AUDITORIUM – SAME DAY
UPTON is conducting an awards ceremony honouring “special children.” BOROWSKI’S BOY shows up on stage when his name is called. BOROWSKI shows up holding handcuffs.
INT. – POLICE STATION – SAME AFTERNOON
BOROWSKI interrogates UPTON who admits to killing Jerome and assaulting Washington. BOROWSKI leaves the room and the Chief comes in. He gives UPTON a coffee into which he secretly dropped a poison pill (NOT cyanide). C/U of hand with coffee shows distinctive ring. Chief rushes out of room. BOROWSKI returns and bends over UPTON who whispers something in his ear.
INT. – JUDGE’S CHAMBER – NIGHT
The Ring is in a meeting. There is a knock on the door. BOROWSKI’S voice is heard. The tops of three distinctive rings slide open and three little pills are revealed.
THE END.
N. B. I WILL LIKELY SUBSTITUTE A DSICRETE TATTOO INSTEAD OF THE RINGS AS MARKERS FOR THE RING MEMBERS.
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Larry Maenpaa
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Subject line: Larry Misdirects…When Appropriate!
What I learned is that by reviewing each element from the point of view of misdirection I could find additional opportunities for audience misdirection. In each case of the pedophile ring members, for example, I also made sure there are clues to true, evil identities so that on reflection it will become apparent as to who they really were.
1. Check these three to see how effectively you used misdirection.
2. Look through your Thriller Map for a few opportunities to add in misdirection.
A. Clue Misdirection.
B. Character Misdirection.
C. Dialogue Misdirection.
I rolled Questions #1 and #2 together.
At the beginning of the story action, however, there is the murder of a child which requires a response from the Ring as an investigation may uncover the Ring. There will be several suspects at first, but it will quickly boil down to one, the gym teacher alias the fall guy alias the red herring. The fall guy was set up by the Ring by using planted evidence, but the audience will not know this. I want the audience to be convinced the teacher did the deed, which misdirects the audience from the real culprit. So I focused on the planted evidence and added more “clues” pointing to the guilt of the teacher. By the time I was done I was convinced he did the dastardly deed.
A. The Red Herring character #1 – Gym Teacher
· the teacher has an argument with the future child-victim, witnessed by many
· the teacher has no alibi at the determined time of death: “I was driving around.”
· Pictures found of victim in compromising positions hidden in his school gym locker with only his fingerprints on the pics.
ADDED: Clue Misdirection
· Murder weapon found with his prints and blood of the victim
· At trial, superintendent gives testimony as to character of gym teacher (a not good character reference).
Red Herring Character #2 – Detective Hero’s Friend
· There are to be trust/mistrust issues between the Hero and his friend
· The friend will listen to the detective’s ideas throughout, but the Hero will not be sure the friend can be trusted because:
ADDED: Dialogue Misdirection:
The station Captain has ordered the friend to “shadow” and “report back” to the Captain “everything, and I mean everything” the detective does. The detective overhears this and he (and audience) takes this to mean that the Captain wants the friend to “spy” on the detective and the detective now believes the captain does not trust him and becomes suspicious (and the audience believes the Captain may be part of the Ring, I hope). In reality, the Captain wants the friend to monitor the progress of the detective to ensure proper police procedures are followed as he fears any cock-up would ruin the teacher investigation/case.
B. The Villain’s plan.
The action of the movie revolves around the murder of the child. The Ring wants to remain secret and if the real identity of the killer is found out it may blow the whole cover. The plan, then, comes in three stages. First set up a fall guy, which succeeds thanks to the judge, the Ring leader. When the Hero continues investigating, not convinced the teacher is guilty, the Ring threatens him so as to dissuade him from continuing. When that fails, the order is given to eliminate the Hero.
ADDED: Character Misdirection
In the second phase, as the Ring begins its plan to dissuade the Hero, the friend follows the Hero to his house. He radios the Captain that “the detective is home now.” Of course he is just following orders to report back. Shortly after the home phone rings and Hero receives his first threat to back off or else. This happens to be a coincidence
C. The cover-up for each mystery present as “Reality.”
The ultimate plan of the pedophile ring is to hide the members’ identities and continue to find children for its pleasure. In order to continue to procure victims each Ring member keeps up an appearance of being “above board” and “above reproach” with fine, upstanding reputations and each plays a part in protecting the Ring. Early on, the existence of the Ring is revealed, but not the members. So part of the fun for the audience is trying to figure out who is in the Ring and who is not. So the key is misdirecting them as to who is or is not part of the Ring.
Ring Members: The Court Judge, the Police Chief, the Principal, the Superintendent
On review, I felt the Principal and Chief were weakest in character development so,
Principal
Originally;
· In his office “petting” a child
ADDED: Character Misdirection
· Walking corridor, friendly to kids tapping them on head and kids adoring principal
· Warm greetings to staff
· Handing out candy
· Office space adorned with pics of kids, teddy bears, other child knick-knacks
Police Chief
Originally;
· Shows concern when child victim is first discovered
· Gave order that teacher case was to “be closed” or someone would be “busted”
· Chief sits in on trial to ensure “fair trial”
· Orders Hero to stop post-teacher-trial investigation since he is “wasting valuable police time”
ADDED: Dialogue misdirection
Slogan: “I take charge, I take responsibility.”
It sounds like he is a law-and-order kind of guy who is hands-on in running the police department. IN fact he, from his position, he can use his authority to influence investigations to protect the Ring.
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Subject line: Larry Gives Great Clues!
What I learned is that by creating a ring trail for each mystery I could see whether there were sufficient clues to solve each mystery in the end. I also saw that the logical progression of the clues was important to lead to a reasonable end.
List out the three or four main
mysteries in your story.There are numerous mysteries throughout. Some right at the beginning and not resoled until the end and others come in part way and are solved with in the story. They are all intertwined, of course.
Plotline: A ring of pedophiles operating in Chicago during the early 1960’s has hired a psychopath to procure pictures of children then dispatch them to the “great beyond” although all victims are officially noted as missing as no bodies have been found and as all children were from the South side (a poor part of the city) therefore given low priority status. This arrangement has been going on for several years. The story kicks off when a victim’s body is discovered. Then a teacher is arrested, tried and found guilty.
Create a list of clues for each
of the main mysteries in your story.
Decide which clues you want to
use and sequence those into clue trails for each mysteryMystery #1: Who is in the Ring? There are three in the Ring. There is one big clue that will identify each member; a large signet ring. This ring is shown in an early scene to identify there is a ring in existence, but the person wearing it is not shown.
In order of revelation:
1. The Court Judge
· Railroads trial by allowing evidence that points to guilt of teacher and strikes any that might exonerate teacher
· At end of trial, the judge bangs his gavel (close-up: signet ring on finger)
2. The Principal
· Fondly fondles children
· Lines up victims for psychopath
· Tells psychopath of detective’s son (who will be used for bait to trap and kill Hero)
· Signet ring shown on finger
3. Police Chief
· Directs initial investigation against teacher: “close case – or else!”
· Insists all details of the trial be reported to him
· Sits in on teacher trial
· Directs Hero to stop post-teacher-trial investigation
· Kills psychopath
· Signet ring shown on finger
Two Ring red herrings (just to keep the audience guessing)
Red herring #1 – The Police Station Captain
· He promotes the Hero to a high-profile homicide case, even though the Hero has never handled one
· He assigns another detective (a friend of the Hero) to shadow the Hero to “oversee” his work, but does not tell the Hero
· He downplays the first attempt on the Hero’s life by the psychopath
· After a sniper shoots at the Hero, the Captain leads the charge to a rooftop where he finds shell casings and just pockets them
· When the Hero looks over the edge of the roof, the Captain approaches from behind and appears about to shove Hero over
· Provided a bullet-proof vest which saves life of Hero, proving he’s a good guy
Red herring #2 – Hero’s friend
· Friend assigned to shadow Hero, but does not mention this role he has
· Possible witness gives details of an assault when he was a boy, the details rendered into a police sketch; the friend takes picture and “mislays it”
· Takes witness out of police station
· Provides key observation about pattern of missing children which leads to psychopath’s identity, proving he’s a good guy
Mystery #2: Is the teacher really guilty?
· Protests innocence (don’t they all)
· Trial clearly railroaded
· New evidence shows up suggesting he is not the killer
· Photos, used as evidence against him, found at real killer’s home
Mystery #3: (a) Why are people trying to stymie the post-teacher-trial investigation?
(b) Why are there attacks on the Hero and who is behind them?
· Throughout Acts 2 and 3, there is progression of attempts to dissuade the Hero from continuing his investigation, progressing from verbal treats to attempts on his life.
Mystery #4: (a) Who killed the child? (b) What happened to the “missing” children?
The Arch-villain – the School Superintendent
· There is a double entendre: “special project” initially means a special project wherein the Superintendent showcases outstanding students; later it signifies students that may become victims of the Ring
· His hobby: photography; seen carrying a camera with him
· Likes children: “student success oriented”
· Superintendent ingratiates himself into the teacher investigation and gives false testimony during trial
· Lies about different posting locations he has had within the school board district.
Add the clue trails to your
Thriller Map.
Give us the latest version of
your Thriller Map.Sorry, but this has become way too complicated and intertwined to chunk it into a map framework.
HELP: I am in a quandary. I am not sure whether to identify the Ring members as the story goes along (via showing of the signet ring) at different points OR wait for the grand finale in the final scene when we see the three Ring members, each displaying the ring on their respective fingers. Any input would be appreciated.
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Subject line: Larry’s Dramatic Reveals
What I learned form this exercise was how to sharpen up the mystery, intrigue and suspense elements to have more dramatic impact.
1. Make a list of the important reveals that you want the audience to experience.
The backstory is that the pedophile ring has been in operation in Chicago up to 1961 and there has been a series of missing child cases. What happened in the past is not central to the story, with two exceptional circumstances. What is important is the revealing of the identities of all involved in the Ring. The mystery, suspense and intrigue revolves around the members of the Ring and the cracking of a child’s murder case. The revelations all come out in Act 3, the resolution and climax.
In no particular order,
Reveal #1: The kindly, dedicated, student-success-oriented superintendent is a hired cold-blooded psychopathic killer who procures pictures of children for the ring then disposes of the children.
Reveal #2: The police chief is part of the Ring.
Reveal #3: The court judge is the Ring leader
Reveal #4: The school principal is a ring member and key in identifying potential victims.
Reveal #5: School janitor was the superintendent’s first victim who survived attack and could now help identify him. He becomes a key in convincing the Hero-detective that the Red Herring teacher, convicted of killing a child, was not guilty.
2. Sequence them to fit into your Thriller Map.
This is tricky as the elements that lead to each reveal are intertwined. (Don’t worry; all will be “revealed” in the end.)
3. With each reveal, make sure the following are in place:
Reveal #1: Superintendent (the BIG one)
· A. What is the reveal?
He is a killer who has done in numerous children and out to kill the Hero and get more victims.
· B. How did it get covered up?
·
He used guile, misdirection and a red herring to cover his tracks.
· C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?
Intrigue: the superintendent set up his teacher “friend” to take the rap for the murder of a child that the superintendent committed
Suspense: the superintendent ingratiates himself into the investigation of the teacher. Why so concerned?
Mystery: the superintendent lies bout past postings in different school districts. Why?
Suspense: when the Hero continues his investigation (after not being convinced the teacher is guilty) the superintendent tries to influence him to stop
· D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.
The superintendent ultimately kidnaps the Hero’s son, using him as bait to lure the Hero into a trap and kill him. Now the connection is clear as to his true intents in acting as a superintendent
Reveal #2: The police chief
· A. What is the reveal?
The chief is part of the Ring.
· B. How did it get covered up?
He used his position to redirect/cover up any suspicions about Ring members and related activities (I may work something into the script for backstory with this guy.)
· C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?
Intrigue: The chief tries to stop the Hero from continuing his investigation (post teacher trial).
Intrigue: He hides evidence to thwart the Hero.
Intrigue: The chief poisons the superintendent.
· D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.
The chief will be seen as part of the Ring.
Reveal #3: The court Judge
· A. What is the reveal?
The court judge is the Ring leader.
· B. How did it get covered up?
He has used his influence to cover up the Ring’s existence and the members’ identities.
· C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?
Intrigue: the judge railroads the trial of the teacher. Why?
Intrigue: the judge orders the superintendent to deter the Hero’s investigation. Why so important?
Intrigue: Later, the judge orders the superintendent to terminate the Hero. Why so important?
· D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.
At the end of the movie, the Ring members believe they have succeeded in covering their identities.
Reveal #4: The school principal
· A. What is the reveal?
The principal is a Ring member.
· B. How did it get covered up?
The Ring protected his secret identity. (Still working on this detail.)
· C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?
Intrigue: At beginning, shows extreme fondness for children.
Intrigue: Suggests children as potential victims
Suspense: betrays Hero’s son to the superintendent
· D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.
You realize he is on the ring when he betrays Hero’s son to the superintendent.
Reveal #5: The school janitor
· A. What is the reveal?
The janitor was the first victim, survived the superintendent’s attack, and could identify the superintendent.
· B. How did it get covered up?
The janitor suffered brain damage in the attack.
· C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?
Mystery: Can he help with the Hero’s investigation?
Suspense: Will he become a target of the superintendent?
· D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.
The impact will be that the
information supplied by the janitor puts both he and the Hero at risk as the
identity of the superintendent could be compromised. -
Subject line: Larry’s Trust Relationships
What I learned doing this assignment is that relationships between the characters provide more mystery, suspense, twists and intrigue. This also helps to start defining the characters more concisely. This was a very good exercise. Ideally, by the time we get to the climax the audience will be wondering exactly who is or is not in the Ring for it will appear almost everyone is. Identities will be revealed in the very final scene – or maybe not.
1. Make a list of the main characters.
· Hero: Detective
· Villain: The Pedophile Ring (School superintendent, Court Judge, Police Chief, School Principal)
· Red Herring Characters: Gym teacher (suspect in murder) + Police Station Captain (direct boss of Hero)
· Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Villain
· Isn’t trusted, but should be: Red Herring characters
2. With each character, ask these questions:
Character: Hero
· A. Basic state — trustable
· B. How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable? At one point the Hero will appear no trustable
· C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other?
· At beginning of act 3 (turning point #2 – lowest point) Hero’s wife leaves him; he will drink and heavily and question the value and purpose and prospects of his investigation: he will not trustable in continuing his investigation for a time
Character: The Ring
· A. Basic state — not trustable
· B. How might they really be not trustable, but appear trustable?
Initially, all members of the Ring appear trustable as they hold high positions of responsibility in the community
· C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other?
At the beginning, each appears to conduct himself in proper fashion according to his position, but as the film progresses, each will act in a suspicious way suggesting they are not trustable. Each one’s connection with the Ring will be signaled by the revelation of a signet ring on his finger and by communication between the ring members.
Character: Red Herring #1 – Gym Teacher
· A. Basic state — trustable
· B. How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable?
The Gym Teacher will not appear trustable because of his lack of an alibi and evidence (planted as part of a frame-up) makes him appear guilty
· C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other?
The detective will find contradictory information and determine the trial was a railroad job, which will make the teacher then appear innocent.
Character: Red Herring #2 – Police Station Captain
· A. Basic state — trustable
· B. How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable
During the Detective’s investigations, the captain will appear to be obstructing or misleading the Hero, but, in fact, he is always following police procedures. (This is to give some misdirection for the audience. Once there is a pattern of Villains in high places it will be looking for anyone who might be part of the Secret Society.)
· C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other?
At the end, it will be revealed the Captain cared about the Hero.
3. With each character relationship, brainstorm how trust or distrust might show up between them.
· Hero / Villain:
Initially, the Hero has no reason to distrust any of the Villains. One by one each reveals he is not as he appears to be:
The police chief appears to interfere with the Hero’s investigation so the Hero begins to question the chief’s motives
The judge railroads the trial so that the Teacher is found guilty so the Hero suspects the judge is crooked
The superintendent will try to trap and kill the Hero so the Hero realizes he is not the nice guy he pretended to be.
· Hero / Red Herring Character #1 – teacher
Initially, the Hero believes the teacher is guilty, but in an interview with the teacher, the Hero starts to have doubts and distrust turns to trust
Hero / Red Herring Character #2 – station captain
While initially trusting the captain, the Hero starts to suspect he is trying to thwart his investigation. At different points the captain appears to be hiding evidence, and at one point, to endanger the Hero’s life
4. Create a sequence for each trust/distrust relationship (like I did with Three Days of The Condor) and then add that to your map.
In terms of trust/distrust twists I have developed the following:
Hero/ Station Captain
(Here I want the audience to keep wondering if the Captain is part of the Ring.)
1. Trust
The captain and the hero have a friendly, working relationship
2. Distrust
The captain assigns the Hero to a high-profile murder case which is not his specialty.
Trust
3. The captain steers the Hero to a past assault case which provides a key clue to helping the Hero in his investigation.
Distrust
4. When a car appears to try to run over the Hero the captain downplays it as a “crazy driver hopped up on that new LSD drug.
Distrust
5. After a sniper shoots at the Hero from a rooftop, the captain collects the shells ahead of the Hero and also appears ready to push the hero off the edge of the roof.
Trust
6. At end, the captain has provided the Hero with a “ new-type” bullet-proof vest” which has saved the Hero’s life.
Hero/ Superintendent (alias psycho killer)
Trust
1. At beginning, superintendent ingratiates himself into the initial investigation of the teacher by providing “evidence” against the fall guy who he is framing for a child’s murder.
Distrust
2. When questioned the superintendent lies about his transfers to different school areas where he committed additional acts of atrocities (which is a key clue to finding him guilty of the murder).
Trust
3. The superintendent phones the Hero to tell him his son has been selected as a “special student” and will get special school board recognition.
Distrust
4. The superintendent later phones and tells the Hero he is holding his son hostage (who will be bait to trap and kill the Hero).
Hero/Detective’s Friend
Trust
1. At the beginning, they are good working buddies.
Distrust
2. The Hero overhears the captain assigning the friend to “oversee” the Hero’s activities and report all to the captain.
Trust
3. The friend helps a witness with a police sketch of a killer suspect
Distrust
4. The Hero finds the sketch “misplaced”.
Trust
5. The friend helps find the real killer.
Hero/Judge
Trust
1. The Hero believes the fall guy will get a fair trial, based on the judge’s reputation as a good judge.
Distrust
2. The judge railroads the trial to ensure a guilty verdict is found and that raises the Hero’s suspicions.
Superintendent/ Judge (Ring Leader)
Trust
1. The judge trusts the superintendent will kill the Hero.
Distrust
2. He has a back-up plan to kill the superintendent if he is captured by the police.
6. Give us the new version of your Thriller Map.
No idea as to the format the Thriller map is supposed to take.
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Subject line: Larry’s Twists and Turns
What I learned doing this assignment is to make sure there is a clear correlation between the direction and the twist. I also found that by looking for new twists it made the plot more engaging.
Tell us the places you added
twists.
Include the new version of your
Thriller Map.“Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is.”
– Yogi Berra
Since I didn’t really include many of my twists in my original Thriller map and the plot is complex as most twists do not immediately follow an initial direction I’m going to lay everything out a little differently. The audiences’ minds will be so twisted by the end no one will be sure what to believe.
Story premise: A ring of highly placed individuals, who are pedophiles, operates in Chicago. A child victim is killed and a detective (the Hero) is assigned to ensure an accused teacher (red herring) is found guilty. However, the detective is not convinced of the teacher’s guilt and continues investigating after the teacher’s trial. The Ring is concerned the killer, and possibly its own existence, will be revealed – that simply will not do! By the way, Ring members are identified with a same-style signet ring (and you won’t find these in Cracker Jack boxes).
Character twists:
School janitor:
Direction: young mentally challenged man cleans school
Twist: turns out he was first victim of ring and may be able to identify killer; he was mentally disabled when he was assaulted as a child by the killer
School Superintendent
Direction: appears as caring for children, sets up special projects to highlight student successes and likes to photograph “special students”
Twist: Ring member wanna-be and psychopathic killer
Chief:
Direction: law-and-order kind of guy who is “hands-on” in the operation of his force so as to be directly responsible
Twist: Ring member who oversees activities on the police force and can misdirect any actions that may reveal the identities of the ring members
Detective’s “friend”
Direction: a detective befriends our Hero
Twist: spies on Hero and relays everything back to station Captain
State Superior Court Judge
Direction: appears as fair-minded man who follows the rule of law
Twist: Ring leader who railroads teacher’s trial to ensure guilty verdict
Detective’s Wife
Direction: supports husband in his ongoing investigation post trial
Twist: leaves husband, fearing for their son’s life
Double Twist: (with a touch of irony) detective’s nephew gets kidnapped and killed (maybe)
Station Captain (red herring)
Direction: oversees station and detectives in particular and follows orders explicitly; reports everything to the Chief, as ordered
Reverse Twist: everything the Captain does appears to be working against the Hero, but in fact, he is just doing his duty (This will keep the audience guessing.)
School Principal
Direction: Appears as progressive education leader
Twist: Ring member who recruited the school superintendent & identifies potential victims
Action twists:
Direction: Superintendent and teacher (red herring) appear to be friends
Twist: Superintendent sets him up as “fall guy” for the murder of child-victim (remember: he is a psychopath)
Direction: Captain assigns Hero to oversee case against teacher
Twist: He secretly assigns another detective to covertly “oversee” work of Hero (Why?)
Direction: During the Trial it appears the teacher will be exonerated
Twist: Judge bars key evidence and only allows incriminating evidence as valid and directs jury on key points of law in his summary to sway jury
Direction: Hero continues investigation insisting there was a miscarriage of justice
Twist: Captain orders him to desist or be “walking the beat – like forever.” Wants Hero to solve backlog of “missing children” cases (and how come there are a lot of missing children, eh?)
Direction: Hero convinces wife investigation is important and she supports him
Twist: Later after attempts on Hero’s Life, she leaves him, fearing for son and herself (just when you think she’s got his back).
Direction: Principal wants to have his “successful” students highlighted in superintendent’s special projects
Twist: He turns out to be in the Ring and identifies victims
Direction: Janitor says he has new information for the Detective and comes in to the police station for an interview with the Hero
Twist: Janitor disappears
Direction: After a sniper shoots at the Hero outside the police station from a roof top, the Captain rushes up to secure the scene with the Detective behind.
Twist: When the Hero looks over the edge of the roof the Captain appears about to shove him over, but grabs him and pulls him back instead (remember – red herring)
Direction: brother and nephew of Hero visit him at his home
Twist: boy disappears
Direction: superintendent plans to trap and kill Hero in abandoned warehouse
Twist: killer not there; redirects Hero to abandoned factory nearby
Direction: After some gun play the boy is shot and so is the detective who falls down an elevator shaft, both appearing dead
Twist: neither is really dead as the boy was wounded and dragged himself into a hiding spot while the hero had a bullet-proof vest
Direction: superintendent is having a ceremony showing “top students” in city
Twist: nephew shows up on stage in cast
Direction: the superintendent is in the police station with the Hero for questioning and booking
Twist: the superintendent, wearing a signet ring, cracks it open and swallows a cyanide pill, but while dying whispers something in the Hero’s ear
Direction: The Ring is having a meeting believing the members are safe as the link to them is dead
Twist: The Hero crashes the meeting.
THE END
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Subject Line: Larry’s Thriller Plot!
What I learned is the need to sequence the plot line to have key turning points so as to end one act and begin another. Thus each act is a complete unit within itself. In my story, Act 1 is really the setup to propel the Hero into Life-threatening situations in Acts 2 and 3. Unknowingly the Hero, in Act 2, is now in confrontation with the Ring, reaching a climactic point and resolution in Act 3.
List out your structure using
whatever structure you are comfortable with.Three act format: Beginning, Middle and End
Inside your structure, fill in
the gaps with the Life Threatening situations, Mysteries, and Villain’s
plan. Do this one at a time. That will keep you from getting confused.ACT 1
Intrigue #1: Set up a fall guy for the death of a victim.
Intrigue #2: Find another victim to satisfy the Ring of pedophiles.
Mystery #1: Hero-detective (who has poor record of solving cases) assigned to case of dead victim and the fall guy (Red Herring) who claims he is not responsible; captain of Hero warns he must Close case or lose rank
Intrigue #3: Captain orders another detective to shadow and report on Hero’s moves
Intrigue #4: Fall guy gets railroaded during trial by judge on “circumstantial evidence” and is found guilty and sentenced to death.
ACT 2
Mystery #2: (Turning Point #1): Hero not convinced of fall guy’s guilt and continues to investigate; the Ring orders its killer to “persuade” Hero to desist investigation
Suspense #2: Hero’s Chief insists case is closed & Hero is to end investigation or “be on the beat” forever
Intrigue #5: Hero gets threatening phone call at home to stop investigating “or else”
Suspense #3: Wife threatens to leave him for the safety of herself and their son (foreshadow)
Intrigue #6: Hero gets followed home by mystery driver
Suspense #4: As Hero leaves home for work next day, car almost runs him over
Suspense #5: Wife leaves Hero; Hero starts drinking
Act 3
Intrigue #7: (Turning Point #2) As the Hero seems to be getting closer to identity of real killer, the Ring leader agrees Hero should be “dispatched”
Suspense #6: Hero driving on highway when a car slams into him and tries to drive him off road to his death
Suspense #7: After determining a key clue, Hero is walking out of police station and sniper shots ring out, just missing him
Intrigue #8: Brother and nephew of Hero visit Hero’s home; nephew disappears
Suspense #8: Hero gets phone call; must come at midnight to abandoned factory to retrieve nephew
Suspense #9: Showdown in factory; nephew bites hand of killer and runs, but gets shot; there is gunplay; killer shoots detective who falls down open elevator shaft
There will be more elements that will be added to these key points.
The End? Well that is a mystery! TBC (To Be Continued)
There are two possible endings: the killer gets away with it or the killer does not get away with it. Any opinions?
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Subject Line: Larry’s Life-threatening Sequence
What I learned is that in looking for high stakes to come into play I found new angles to pursue in the storyline to add to the intrigue mystery and/or suspense. I also found that in sequencing the stakes I could progressively ratchet up the stakes starting with the Hero potentially losing rank to losing his life.
What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up?
The Big Secret is a ring of pedophiles, comprised of top city officials, who want to keep identities hidden while continuing to find “material” for their pleasures. One of the members procures victims and eliminates them after photographing them. Others work to help keep the killer from being uncovered when a victim of the killer is discovered.
What is the Villain’s plan and
how does that put the Hero in danger?Ultimately the Villain’s plan is to kill the detective once he gets close to uncovering the true identity of the killer.
What other potential dangers
could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront
the Villain?<div>The Hero-detective is threatened by his captain (ring member) to be busted in rank if he does not close the case on a “fall guy”
The Hero is threatened by his chief (ring member) to stop investigating even after the trial of the fall guy is over.
An attempt is made to blow The Hero in his car or his apartment.
The Hero inadvertently saves a child victim from the killer.
A potential witness who is associated with the Hero is killed and the Hero is blamed for failing to protect him
Killer takes a shot with a sniper rifle at Hero.
Wife leaves Hero as he is consumed with the case.
Killer stalks Hero to his home and surveilles him
A fellow detective is assigned to surveille Hero and report Hero’s progress to Captain.
Hero starts drinking more (vodka – straight up) as a result of the case, which threatens his career and his solving of the case. Does not help when he is imbibing at the police station.
The killer sets up improvised explosive devices (ied’s) to eliminate the Hero.
Killer kidnaps a family member of the Hero as bait to lure the detective into a trap.
From the list of potential
dangers, choose the ones that work for this story.
Sequence those dangers in order
and make a list like the one I did for Basic Instinct above.Rolling Answers #3 and #4 together.
The Hero-detective is threatened by his captain (ring member) to be busted in rank if he does not close the case on a “fall guy”
A fellow detective is assigned to surveille Hero and report Hero’s progress to Captain.
Hero starts drinking more (vodka – straight up) as a result of the case, which threatens his career and his solving of the case. Does not help when he is imbibing at the police station.
The Hero is threatened by his chief (ring member) to stop investigating even after the trial of the fall guy is over. He will be demoted like forever.
The Hero inadvertently saves a child victim from the killer. Killer does not like this.
A potential witness who is associated with the Hero is killed and the Hero is blamed for failing to protect him
As the Hero gets close to identifying the killer, the ring leader directs killer to eliminate Hero.
Killer takes a shot with a sniper rifle at Hero, but misses.
Killer stalks Hero to his home and surveilles him.
Killer kidnaps a nephew of the Hero as bait to lure the detective into a trap.
Killer shoots Hero and nephew. (But is the end?)
</div>
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Subject Line: Larry’s Mystery Sequence
What I learned is that this process helps to focus on the details of each mystery and to see it through the eyes of the audience.
What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up?
The Big Secret is a ring of pedophiles, comprised of top city officials, who want to keep identities hidden while continuing to find “material” for their pleasures. One of the members procures victims and eliminates them after photographing them. Others work to help keep the killer from being uncovered when a victim of the killer is discovered.
How many ways can they cover
that secret? Those become the mysteries.– There is the murder of a child
– Get a “washed-up” detective to solve murder of a child
– Set up a “fall guy” for the murder (misdirection)
– Destroy or dismiss evidence related to the case: this will include (but not limited to) a pair of eyeglasses, a sketch of the killer, eyewitness testimony as to the identity of the killer
– Killer: – pretends to help detective with case by suggesting suspects, plants evidence, sends threats to detective, tries to kill detective and another child
The first mystery must engage
the Hero into solving it.– The first mystery involves finding a dead child’s killer
4.Sequence the mysteries so that each one leads us to the next one. Include ONE Red Herring mystery if you can.
Who the murderer of a child?
Why is the detective given this case?
Is the “fall guy” truly guilty?
What happens to certain pieces of evidence that would help identify the true killer?
Is an “eyewitness” (a former victim) credible?
Will the killer “get away” with his murder and save the identity of the ring?
Create a Mystery Chain for each
main mystery.Who the murderer of a child?
– The killer has photographed then killed a child, but been careless in hiding its body which gets discovered
– Multiple suspects are presented at the beginning of the investigation
– The killer sends death threats to the detective to scare him off the trail
– He sets a trap in an abandoned factory to try to kill the detective.
Why is the detective given the case?
– A “washed up” detective with a drinking problem is given this high-profile case, as directed by the police chief (a ring member) because it is believed he will be incompetent and unable to find the killer’s true identity.
– He is directed to find facts that will prove the fall guy is guilty
Is the “fall guy” truly guilty?
– Pictures of the slain child which are directly linked to the fall guy.
– The killer provides personal knowledge of the fall guy which implicates him
– The fall guy becomes disillusioned with the process and is embittered, truculent and uncooperative.
– He has no alibi for his whereabouts at the time of the murder.
– During his trial much of the “evidence” is circumstantial and he is found guilty.
– The judge (one of the ring members) railroads the trial.
What happens to certain pieces of evidence that would help identify the true killer?
– A pair of eyeglasses, in the storage locker put there from a previous assault investigation (the killer’s first victim), belongs to the killer and when discovered gets redirected to the police chief and “disappears”
– The victim’s first victim, mentally challenged, provides a sketch of his attacker which is a good likeness of him; the sketch “disappears”
– The victim’s accusation that he knows the killer is dismissed due to “mental incompetence
Will the killer “get away” with his murder and save the identity of the ring?
– Once the killer realizes his identity could be uncovered by the detective he first threatens him, trying to scare off the detective
– When that fails he sets up an ambush to kill the detective in an abandoned factory, holding a child as hostage
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Larry’s Villain Has a Great Plan!
What I learned is that while developing the plot line I saw ways to increase the intrigue.
Setting: Chicago, U.S.A., the seamy side, 1961.
Villain: A ring of pedophiles, comprised of powerful city officials, operates as a secret society.
Storyline: A child is killed, a victim of the ring, and the Hero is assigned to solve it.
GOAL: The ring wants to continuously satisfy its needs.
INTRIGUE: The ring wants to continue obtaining “new material” and remain secretive and, once the detective becomes involved, will do anything to keep its existence and identities and a secret.
COVERS SECRETS: The ring takes a series of steps to misdirect the Hero, including setting up a fall guy, so as to shut down his investigation, and if all else fails, eliminate him.
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Larry’s SOTL Stacking Suspense
What I learned:
Opening scene should be a dramatic, suspenseful moment to capture audience’s attention and help establish a story line.
Use establishing shots to help storyline and create a mood of suspense or intrigue, where possible. Eg hospital entrance appears spooky.
Early scenes quickly establish key relationships and background; meetings efficiently supply information. In Clarice’s case it is established she is a trainee.
Create multiple, plausible suspects and explanations for a murder.
Use “psychological profiling” to flesh out potential killer; draw out similarities between killer and potential suspects.
Draw out suspense by establishing and drawing out a question or premise . Hannibal the cannibal at first appears very civil so it is uncertain if he really is a cannibal.
Psycho thrillers require a seriously psychotic villain. The play out of the traits over time adds to the intrigue.
Develop characters over time by adding traits through actions, dialogue, mannerisms, interactions so as to build mystery or intrigue.
Every key scene needs high stakes confounded in intrigue, centred around a mystery, and wrapped in suspense. ;.)
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Larry’s BI Stacking Suspense
There are a few key points that stood out for me in BI.
1) The prolonged sexual tension and the maturing relationship between Nick and Catherine maintained intrigue.
2) Using minor characters (e.g. Roxy) with their own, intertwining stories with the main characters added suspense in terms of how they would act with the main characters.
3) The counter-balance between Dr. Beth (genuinely concerned about Nick) and Catherine (game player) kept up the suspense as to how each would impact on Nick.
4) Joe Eszterhas, the writer, effectively uses the mirroring of Catherine’s books with real events in the movie to sustain the mystery.
5) The writer maintains focus on Catherine as the possible killer as Nick is absolutely convinced Catherine is the culprit and the trail of clues keep building to that conclusion.
6) The interplay of the subplot with I.A. after Nick’s badge works well in terms of high stakes in play. Nick risks all to prove he is right.
7) Using the backstory of Nick’s past helps to flesh out his character and the “shooter” double entendre.
I, too, will admit I struggle with the distinction between mystery, intrigue and suspense. There seem to be fine delineations that escape my grasp.
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Larry’s World and Characters!
What I learned doing this assignment is that there needs to be mystery, intrigue and suspense surrounding every key character. This will add depth to each one.
1. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?
Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story?
– a child is found sodomized and killed and the perpetrator could kill again; the question is: who did it and why
Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie?
– the sexual assault is to satisfy a ring of pedophiles which will do anything to remain secretive
Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script?
– initially roadblocks are put in the detective’s way, but as he gets closer to the truth his life is threatened.
2. WORLD:
– 1960’s Chicago: a secret society of pedophiles, comprised of top city officials, target young boys to fuel their lust. Its “fixer” procures pictures and eliminates child victims.
HERO: Casmir Boroski, detective
Mystery: who killed a sexually molested boy, apparently done by a serial killer?
Intrigue: Why is Casmir, apparently inept because of his drinking issue, given a high-profile case to solve? Can the detective stop a killer before it happens again?
Suspense: What will the pedophile ring do to stop the detective to protect its fixer and preserve its secrets?
RED HERRING: Peter Smith, phys. ed. teacher
Mystery: Peter is arrested for the murder of a child, but is he truly guilty of the crime?
Intrigue: Peter professes innocence, claiming he was set up with false evidence. However he becomes jaded from the process and becomes uncooperative.
Suspense: Will Casmir be able to solve the crime and clear Peter?
VILLAIN: pedophile ring
Mystery: Who is the killer and can the detective stop him in time?
Intrigue: Who makes up the secret society and who is the killer among them?
Suspense: How far will the ring go to stop the detective?
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Larry’s BIG M.I.S.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to distinguish between big mystery, big intrigue and big suspense. This allowed me to develop an overarching mystery plot line, the development of an intriguing villain that will propel the action and how to create suspenseful elements.
Logline:
Striving to prevent a similar slaying, a tenacious detective’s life is endangered when his investigation of a murdered, sexually abused child unwittingly leads him to a ruthless pedophile ring. (29 words)
1. What are the conventions of your story?
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: tenacious detective
Dangerous Villain: a ruthless ring of pedophiles comprised of top city officials
High stakes: the ring does not want identities revealed and it will do anything to prevent revelation; it also wants more child victims
Life and death situations: the detective wants to prevent further child deaths and, in turn, unwittingly, puts his own life on the line
This story is thrilling because? on one level the detective is out to solve a murder, perhaps committed by a serial killer, while the ring is determined to stop him in order to preclude its unmasking.
2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?
Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story?
– a child is found sodomized and killed and the perpetrator could kill again; the question is: who did it and why
Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie?
– the sexual assault is to satisfy a ring of pedophiles which will do anything to remain secretive
Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script?
– initially roadblocks are put in the detective’s way, but as he gets closer to the truth his life is in danger.
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Subject line: Thriller Conventions Movie title: Gone
Plot summary:
When her sister (Molly) disappears, Jill is convinced the serial killer who kidnapped her two years ago has returned, and she sets out to face her abductor believing he has taken Molly. Her past mental illness history works against her as she had been on a suicide watch and, later, involuntarily placed in a mental hospital after she was enraged when police did not believe her kidnapping story due to lack of evidence. From the police perspective there was no abductor.
What I learned doing this assignment is:
1) During the introductory part of the film you should include most of the elements which will come into play and have importance later on.
For example, the protagonist of the story:
□ is prominently seen driving a distinctive blue Saab which is later sought after by the police
□ is taking a self-defence lesson which helps her defeat the villain
□ works as a waitress at the Lucky Star restaurant where she unwittingly encounters the stalking villain and where her friendship with another waitress helps out with a phone number to contact the villain and provides her with a new vehicle to avert police
□ is seen taking pills which turn out to be mild tranquilizers which later indicate she has mental stability issues
2) Using flashbacks can used to provide details of the backstory. In this movie, key moments and items that Jill comes across causes flashbacks of her captivity at the bottom of a well. This reveals the truth of her abduction and that there have been other victims.
3) Using dialogue to provide backstory details. A policeman tells another of Jill’s past problems.
4) Misdirection is used throughout to keep the movie suspenseful. When Molly is noted to be missing, people come up with plausible explanations for her disappearance – other than being abducted. Later Jill’s therapist tries to convince there is no abductor, that she is recreating the past due to her sister’s absence. And so on.
5) Sprinkle clues along the way to keep the story moving forward. For example, Jill progressively gets more details about her past abductor which help her to track him down.
6) The villain is not actually revealed until the end of the movie, but the flashbacks give the audience an idea of his evil ways and the potential trouble Jill’s sister is in (which is the motive that propels the protagonist).
7) Heightening emotional drama. Jill is persistently having to avoid the police, including a car chase.
What is the BIG Mystery, Intrigue, and Suspense of this story?
Big Mystery: What has happened to Jill’s sister and can she save her in time?
Big Intrigue: The evil plan of the abductor is to lure Jill out so he can finish her off.
Big Suspense: The main danger will be in the eventual confrontation of the villain. The audience knows that in chasing after the villain Jill puts herself in harm’s way.
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Hi Margaret: Your script is really well written. I think humour can come from things we can directly relate to. Great use of double entendres. As a DIYer and a senior (a junior senior as opposed to a senior senior) and one who hates cell phones I can relate on many levels. One small suggestion: you could have your character showing increased frustration towards the end (i.e. adding emotional direction in the script). From experience I can tell you the more a job goes sideways the more frustrated I become. Certain words not found in the dictionary will become common phrases out of my mouth as I get more upset with the work. 🙂
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Reply to Eclipse:
I liked your interchange between the ol’ gals. There was much clever repartee between them. I could picture the group going through their antics. Nicely done.
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Day 10 Assignment (technically Day 11)
Larry’s Script
After I went through the comedy writing skill sheet I saw more opportunities to add physical humour and props to reinforce the dialogue. I also saw more opportunities for runnning gags. Using toppers helped to build to punchlines. I also used toppers in terms of physical humour. I think they added to the characterization of my main characters.
COMIC SITUATION:
Forced union of incompatibles.
CHARACTER LOGLINES
Jack: He is a he-man wanna-be and the boss of the company. He gives the external appearance of a tough guy, a take-charge guy who likes giving orders.
Comic Twist: Inside Jack is cowardly and childish. He can be a bully in order to appear tough and is disdainful of gays. He is slightly south of smart.
Billy: He is an overtly gay guy. He is unafraid to stand up for himself, and dislikes being targeted by others for his gayness.
Comic Twist: While appearing feminine he can be brave whenever needed.
SCENE
EXT. – DAY – HIKING TRAIL
JACK is teamed up with BILLY on a forced corporate bond-building hike exercise through the Adirondack mountains where they get lost. JACK is wearing safari gear such as khaki shirt and cargo pants, cowboy hat with one side pinned up, Ralph Lauren safari sunglasses, walking stick and serious hiking boots. BILLY is wearing an Hawaiian shirt, a vest, tight, bright shorts, wide-brimmed sun hat with a flower, sneakers, and carrying a parasol. Both have oversized knapsacks on their backs.
JACK
(authoritatively)
I am sure this is the way. The moss on the trees grows on the south side so if we just keep going north we will find civilization. Follow me.
BILLY
(whining)
Face it, boss, we’re lost and it’s all your fault!
JACK
Is not.
BILLY
Is, too.
JACK
Is, too.
BILLY
Is, too.
The two start a pushing match.
JACK
No way.
BILLY
Yes way.
JACK
Nuh-huh.
BILLY
Yah-huh.
JACK
Well you’re sure no Davy Crockett.
BILLY
And you’re no Chingachgook . I’ll bet if he were here he’d help us find our way out of this mess.
A native American in traditional costume comes from the opposite way.
BILLY
(with awe)
I don’t believe it.
JACK
(approaching Native American says solemnly)
Chingachgook.
NATIVE
Chingachgook ?
JACK
Hey, Billy I think I’m getting somewhere.
(Jack raises his arm.)
How!
NATIVE
How?
JACK
We lost. You help find way out?
NATIVE
Listen, bro, not sure who you think I am, but the name is Adam Beach.
(starts walking away)
If you see a film crew tell them I’m lost and looking for them.
The two men walk a little farther with Jack leading. He turns around and faces Billy.
JACK
I’m getting hungry. You have any snacks left?
BILLY
(his face is covered in chocolate and crumbs)
Sorry, just ate the last one.
Behind BILLY there is a long trail of food wrappers.
JACK
(irritated)
You are s-o-o useless. Too bad you weren’t a Boy Scout We’d have a chance of getting out this alive.
BILLY
Wrong-o, Jack-o.
(shows inside of vest with pride)
I’ve got three merit badges.
JACK
Well, that’s promising. Someone tried to make a real man out of you, did they? Hope you earned your badges in something useful, like camping or about fishing or outdoor survival?
BILLY
(BILLY points to each badge in turn)
Wrong again, Jackeroo. Cooking, basket weaving and leatherwork.
JACK
(sarcastic)
Impressive – the Martha Stewart trifecta.
There is a rustle in the bush and MARTHA STEWART steps onto the path holding a plastic bag filled with trail mix.
MARTHA
Whenever you head out on a trip it always wise to have a snack along the way. You can find my trail mix recipe on my website. And that’s a good thing.
MARTHA disappears into the bush. As the men move on they are beset by a cloud of mosquitoes. They start running. Each smacks a mosquito on his forehead, leaving a round red mark. They resume walking after outrunning the mosquitoes. Ahead of them appears a man looking like Mahatma Gandi wearing a loin cloth, shawl, using a walking stick and carrying an over-the-shoulder satchel.
As they are talking a succession of people will pass by them.
GANDI
(bowing slightly, hands together in prayer formation, speaking with East Indian accent)
Namaste, my disciples.
JACK
(bowing, smiling)
Have a nice day to you, too. Where you from?
GANDI
India.
JACK
India, huh. Isn’t that the state due south of Kentucky?
BILLY
(smacks Jack)
He said India, duffus. It’s a country in Asia.
JACK
I knew that. I was just testing him.
A MAN and WOMAN come near the group, stop for a moment and look at a map. They point in opposite directions then move on.
BILLY
Do you have any words of wisdom, oh wise one?
GANDI
Certainly. Garlic makes a man wink, drink and stink.
BILLY
That’s an old wive’s tale.
A sailor with a sextant stops, looks up through it and moves on.
GANDI
Alright. Alright. A stitch in time saves nine.
BILLY
That’s Benjamin Franklin.
A polar explorer in a seal skin coat, stops, consults a compass, spins around and walks on.
GANDI
How about this? Do or do not. There is no try.
BILLY
Yoda from Star Wars.
Two Star Wars characters shuffle by while dueling with light sabres.
GANDI
Quite right. Overthinking is the biggest cause of unhappiness.
BILLY
Buddha.
GANDI
Oh. You wanted something original? If you pay cash you get ten per cent off on all food orders at the Little House of India.
BILLY
Say. You’re no guru, are you?
GANDI
No, no, no. Just a delivery guy from Little House of India.
(flips around satchel with “Little House of India” printed on it)
I am to deliver this food to a film crew, but I seem to have become a little disoriented.
(starts walking away)
Namaste.
BILLY and JACK walk on and into clearing. Some twenty yards ahead is BLACK BEAR with its back to the two.
JACK
SHIT!
BILLY
Just did. You carrying the toilet paper or am I? (beat) Never mind.
BILLY drops the knapsack and rummages through. He pulls out and starts tossing a hair dryer, a rubber duckie, a woman’s bra, a cat, a small kitchen sink and – finally – a roll of toilet paper. He stands up, creates a wad of paper and slides it down his backside then drops it.
JACK
Now, if we are downwind we’re safe. The bear won’t know we’re here ‘cause bears can smell much better than they see. And we don’t want him smelling you.
BILLY raises the hand which he just was used to wipe his rear, wets a finger and holds it up to gauge wind direction.
Bad news. We have a southerly wind at six miles an hour, definitely upwind from the bear.
JACK
Oh Shit!
BILLY
Will you stop saying that!
(He starts to wrap another wad of toilet paper.)
The BEAR sniffs the air and turns around.
JACK
(sarcastic)
Too bad you can’t using those cooking skills of yours to whup up a honey cake and feed the bear so we could escape.
There is a rustling in a nearby bush. MARTHA STEWART steps out holding a honey cake.
MARTHA
For a delicious honey cake that you and any bear would love just go to my website for the recipe. And that’s a good thing.
MARTHA disappears back into the bush.
JACK
They say that if you play dead a bear won’t bother you.
JACK falls down.
BILLY
You need to be more convincing than that!
He drops down and flops about before lying still. Meanwhile JACK has risen.
JACK
You think the bear will be fooled by that act?
He clutches his heart, moans, spins about, falls down and flops about a few times before lying still. Meanwhile BILLY has gotten up.
BILLY
That’s the best you can do?
BILLY throws arms out, clutches his heart, staggers, falls to ground, and rolls about. Meantime JACK has arisen and begins another death act. Simultaneously, each continues to try to outdo the other. After about two minutes of watching, the BEAR ROARS. Both jump to their feet.
JACK
Oh SHIT!
BILLY
Will you PLEASE stop saying THAT?
BILLY takes the toilet paper roll from the ground and starts to wrap another wad of toilet paper.
JACK
Only one thing left to do – RUN!!
Both start running through the debris field of BILLY’S things (including wads of toilet paper)away from the bear. Billy is ahead, but JACK pushes him.
JACK
Only one thing counts now. If I’m ahead of you I’m home free!
BILLY trips over the knapsack and falls down, face into a wad of toilet paper, knocking himself out. The BEAR runs over Billy and JACK scrambles up a tree. JACK looks down and makes a face at the bear. The BEAR, growling, reaches up and tears off one of JACK’S boots. Jack screams like a girl.
JACK
(tears streaming down his face)
I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die.
There is a rustling of another bush. MARTHA pops out.
MARTHA
Now if you happen to be treed by a bear the best thing to do is
(beat. She frowns.) The best thing to do is. (beat. She shrugs her shoulders.) Sorry fella, I’ve got nothing. Basically you’re fucked.
MARTHA disappears. A loud air horn sounds behind Jack. This scares JACK and he falls out of the tree. The BEAR runs away. BILLY is awaken by the sound and stands up and comes to JACK. At the same time two park rangers approach the tree, one holding an air horn and the other a handful of food wrappers.
JACK
Thank you, thank you, thank you for saving us. How did you ever find us?
PARK RANGER #1
First we followed the food wrappers
(He holds up a fist full of wrappers)
When that trail went cold, we came across an Indian guy who pointed us in your direction. The girly scream brought us to you. By the way, there will be a one thousand dollar fine for littering. Who’s paying?
Thanks, Hal, for a very good, concisive course. I liked the structure in terms of following a line of development. Your approach is different from the common wisdom of “just sitting down and writing a script.” You brought forward several tips and techniques for building comedy into a script. Much appreciated. (Your cheque is in the mail.)
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Forgot to post earlier.
Day 9 – Larry’s Physical Humour and props
What I learned from this is assignment is that by visualizing each moment I could find more humourous details. By reading the dialogue more closely I looked for ways to support it with physical actions and props. I also found that sometimes you need to modify the dialogue to accommodate the action and/or props. In terms of action, detail can be key as to its execution.
I have taken my submission from Day 8 and put the action and props in italics.
I broke down my scene into four parts: an introduction; a trail segment and a bear encounter (at the bare minimum) and a conclusion.
In the introduction I developed an Incompatible Couple of a he-man guy (Jack) teamed up with an overtly gay guy (Billy) on a forced corporate bond-building hike exercise through the Adirondack mountains where they get lost. This leads to friction and competition as each does not like the other particularly well and wants to prove he is superior over the other. They will also meet some interesting characters along the way.
In the introduction they are dressed in very different clothing (the he-man in rugged outdoors wear and the gay in frilly clothing – good sight gag and differentiating the characters) and bickering as to who was responsible for getting themselves lost.
PROPS: Focus on the clothing:
Jack wearing safari gear such as khaki shirt and cargo pants, cowboy hat with one side pinned up, Ralph Lauren safari sunglasses, walking stick and serious hiking boots.
Billy wearing Hawaiian shirt, a vest, tight, bright shorts, wide-brimmed sun hat with a flower, sneakers, and carrying a parasol.
Both have way oversized knapsacks on their backs.
Jack asks for a snack but Billy has eaten them all along the way.
PROPS: There is a trail of food wrappers behind the two. Food is smeared around Billy’s face.
The two are bickering as to who was responsible for they becoming lost.
ACTION: they start shoving each other like school children.
In the second segment, along the trail, it is revealed Billy has Boy Scout badges in pottery, cooking and leatherwork. Jack says this is the “Martha Stewart trifecta.”
PROP: Billy opens his vest revealing merit badges for pottery, cooking and leatherwork.
This leads to a gag with Martha Stewart popping out of the bush offering a “trail mix” recipe.
PROP: Martha is holding a plastic bag of trail mix.
I turned this into a running gag as she will pop up later in the bear scene. She works well as an incongruity.
On the trail I have Jack smack his head killing a mosquito leaving a blood red spot on his forehead. Then they meet a person from the opposite direction who, seeing the red spot, says “namaste.” Jack replies, “Have a nice day.” I saw this as an opportunity to expand this:
Both Jack and Billy kill mosquitoes on their foreheads leaving red spots. They meet a man coming from the opposite direction who looks like Mahatma Ghandi, carrying a satchel. (Another incongruity.) They do the namaste greeting. Billy mistakes the man as a guru and asks for “wise words”.
I brainstormed on this coming up with:
– A Buddha quote
– Do or do not from Star Wars
– old sayings: a stitch in time saves nine
A punchline with a reversal
PROPS: Ghandi is wearing a shawl, loin cloth, carrying an over-the-shoulder satchel and a walking stick.
In the bear scene, it starts off the boys walking into a clearing with a black bear on the other side. They freeze and try to remember as to what to do. And the do everything wrong in terms of what should be done. Initially Jack exclaims, “Shit!” and Billy responds, “Just did. Do I have the toilet paper or do you?” I can rework this into a running gag where Billy figures that if they are downwind the bear will definitely smell them.
ACTION: Billy wets finger to determine wind direction.
PROPS and ACTION: Billy digs into his knapsack and pulls and tosses out a hairdryer, a rubber duckie, a cat, a woman’s bra, a sink and finally, toilet paper.
When Jack suggests Billy could use his cooking skills to “whup” up a honey cake for the bear Martha Stewart pops up again.
PROPS and ACTION: Martha pops up again. She is waving a cake.
Then Jack remembers to play dead and falls down. I see potential for a topper scene as each tries to outdo the other in “dying.”
ACTION: Jack starts by simply falling down. Billy falls down and flops about. Jack then gets up and goes into death spiral and moaning before hitting the ground. And so on.
Finally the bear charges. He then trips over his knapsack and knocks himself out, effectively now “dead.”
MODIFIED ACTION: As the bear charges Billy gets ahead of Jack. Jack pushes him from behind and Billy trips over his own junk and hits the ground knocking himself out.
The bear runs over Billy and Jack runs up a tree, appearing safe for the moment.
ACTION AND PROPS: The bear reaches up and rips off one of his boots.
Martha Stewart shows up with advice – and has none.
ACTION: Martha throws up hands in a sign of futility and shakes her head left and right.
In the conclusion, park rangers come to the rescue.
MODIFIED ACTION: They use a loud air horn to scare off bear. They also scare Jack who falls out of tree.
They found the boys by following the food wrappers.
PROPS: Ranger has handful of food wrappers.
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Day 8 – Larry’s Topper Outline
What I learned from this is assignment is how to take a basic funny situation and extend it with toppers. I also saw how running gags can be spotted throughout a scene to add humourous touches.
I broke down my scene into four parts: an introduction; a trail segment and a bear encounter (at the bare minimum) and a conclusion.
In the introduction I developed an Incompatible Couple of a he-man guy (Jack) teamed up with an overtly gay guy (Billy) on a forced corporate bond-building hike exercise through the Adirondack mountains where they get lost. This leads to friction and competition as each does not like the other particularly well and wants to prove he is superior over the other. They will also meet some interesting characters along the way.
In the introduction they are dressed in very different clothing (the he-man in rugged outdoors wear and the gay in frilly clothing – good sight gag and differentiating the characters) and bickering as to who was responsible for getting themselves lost. Jack asks for a snack but Billy has eaten them all along the way. Still working on this part.
In the second segment, along the trail, it is revealed Billy has Boy Scout badges in pottery, cooking and leatherwork. This leads to a gag with Martha Stewart popping out of the bush offering a “trail mix” recipe. I turned this into a running gag as she will pop up later in the bear scene. She works well as an incongruity.
On the trail I have Jack smack his head killing a mosquito leaving a blood red spot on his forehead. Then they meet a person from the opposite direction who, seeing the red spot, says “namaste.” Jack replies, “Have a nice day.” I saw this as an opportunity to expand this.
Both Jack and Billy kill mosquitoes on their foreheads leaving red spots. They meet a man coming from the opposite direction who looks like Mahatma Ghandi, carrying a satchel. (Another incongruity.) They do the namaste greeting. Billy mistakes the man as a guru and asks for “wise words”.
I brainstormed on this coming up with:
– A Buddha quote
– Do or do not from Star Wars
– old sayings: a stitch in time saves nine, etc.
– A punchline with a reversal
The trick will be to organize them for maximum comedic effect.
In the bear scene, it starts off the boys walking into a clearing with a black bear on the other side. They freeze and try to remember as to what to do. And they do everything wrong in terms of what should be done. Initially Jack exclaims, “Shit!” and Billy responds, “Just did. Do I have the toilet paper or do you?” I can rework this into a running gag where Billy figures that if they are downwind the bear will definitely smell them and he will have another accident later.
When Jack suggests Billy could use his cooking skills to “whup” up a honey cake for the bear Martha Stewart pops up again with another recipe.
Then Jack remembers to play dead and falls down. I see potential for a topper scene as each tries to outdo the other in “dying.”
Finally the bear charges. Billy has another accident in his pants. He then trips over his knapsack and knocks himself out, effectively now “dead.” The bear runs over Billy and Jack runs up a tree. Martha Stewart shows up with advice – and has none.
In the conclusion, park rangers come to the rescue. They found the boys by following the food wrappers.
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Day 7 – Larry’s Comedy Brainstorm Session!
What I learned is that by analyzing the situation closely there are multiple opportunities for comic points. The more you look at each discreet element of the situation, including characters and actions and references, etc. the greater the possibilities for creating humour.
Comedy situation: Forced Incongruent pairing
Comedy Characters and their loglines:
Jack Logger: physically fit, macho man who is also headstrong and a natural leader. He is not the brightest and can be childish and churlish. He disdains anyone who is weak or gay in his early 60’s
Billy Shirley: overtly gay man in his early 60’s is pleasant, jovial, intelligent, overweight.
Situation: Jack and Billy have been teamed up in a corporate, bond-building exercise involving a hike on an Adirondack Mountain hiking trail but have gotten lost along the way. Each carries oversized knapsacks. Jack is dressed like a serious hiker with rugged gear; Billy is dressed in frilly clothes.
OUTLINE – Possible funny moments:
Jack and Billy accuse each other for becoming lost:
– Jack says Billy is no Chingachgook; Billy retorts by singing the Davy Crockett ballad
– Jack accuses Billy of being no Boy Scout: not true – he has badges in cooking, pottery and leather work.: Jack: “Wow, the trifecta for the Martha Stewart merit badge.” Martha pops out of the bush: “Did someone mention my name? You know, I have a good recipe for trail mix.”
– Jack smacks a mosquito on his forehead and leaves a round red mark; they meet an East Indian guru coming from the opposite direction
– East Indian : “Namaste”; Jack: “Have a nice day.!”
– Ask where East Indian has come from: “Follow the path and it will lead to Erewhon.”
– Jack and Billy come into clearing and meet up with a bear which is several yards away, has not initially seen them. They freeze then strategize as to what to do:
– Jack: “Shit.” Billy: “Just did. By the way you carrying the toilet paper or am I?”
– Jack wants to throw it some snacks; Billy has eaten them all along the way. Jack: “I should feed you to the bear.” Billy: “They say don’t feed the wildlife. I think I’ll give that a hard pass.”
– Billy suggests playing dead; Jack goes into an elaborate death scene.
– Billy starts to make a loud noise to scare the bear away; the bear rears back and roars more loudly: Jack: “Way to go. Use your merit badge skill and whip it up a honey cake”: Martha Stewart pops out of the bush: “I have the perfect recipe for that sweet tooth of his.”
– Jack wants to “stare it down”: I’m tougher than any ol’ bear.” They get into a staring contest. This eventually aggravates bear.
– Jack: “One thing left to do. Run – and as long as I’m faster I’m home free.” Both turn and run. Billy trips over knapsack appearing dead. Bear bypasses Billy and chases Jack up a tree. Martha Stewart pops out of the bush. “When it comes to being chased by a bear. (beat) Sorry, boys I’ve got nothing. You’re on your own.” She disappears.
– Park rangers show up and scare bear away. Jack: “How did you find us?” Ranger holding a bunch of food wrappers.: “We followed these.”
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DAY 6 Larry’s punchlines.
What I learned is that there are many ways to view a situation and come up with a humourous reaction. Using a visual helped with the comic responses.
I also learned that punchlines can inserted anywhere in almost any situation. The setup is key.
A visual will help you with the humour. Okay, don’t know about you but it helped me and my quirky sense of humour. (You will have to use your own imagination as I couldn’t paste a pic in this post. Think 3-foot sausage, cooked.) Yes, bull penis IS a real dish served in Tibet.
INT. – TENT OF TIBETAN NOMADIC FAMILY – DAY
JENNIFER, a haughty American porn actress, has found herself in a remote area of Tibet after her plane has crash-landed. The pilot also survived, but is in a coma. She is sitting down to dinner with the Tibetan family that found her.
DUGA
Jennifer, you must be truly blessed by the gods. In honour of them and your survival we serve our best dish, a bull penis.
Jampa brings forth a cooked bull penis on a platter, garnished with root vegetables. Jennifer takes one look at the platter:
JENNIFER
Absurd Request
You wouldn’t have a bottle of ketchup to go with that, would you?
Comparison
Wow, that’s almost as big as my boyfriend’s.
Exaggeration
I’ll bet that bull could have impregnated 10 cows at once with that fat boy.
Insult
I think the bull could be putting that thing to better use.
Metaphor
You sure you aren’t serving a boa constrictor?
Misinterpretation
You said that bull came from Venus? If that came from a bull I’d sure like to meet the men on that planet!
Parody
Sex and the City has NOTHING over this!
Rename
Cool penis
Reversal
Is there any chance you could feed this to the gods instead?
Understatement
You don’t have anything larger? I want to make sure everyone gets a bite to eat.
I like the Misinterpretation line best. It is an indicator the actress may not be bright and is a setup line for further misinterpretations and malapropisms. It is indicates a certain mindset – sex on the brain. This also sets up nicely for humour along these lines.
-
What I learned from this assignment is that it hard to determine a character’s qualities and find a unique situation in which to place the character and create comedic results. The “fish-out-of-water” worked best for me.
LOGLINE
This film would be about BILL “BULL’ WILSON, a former correctional officer who lost his job for excessive abuse of his authority. He has taken on the job of substitute teacher. Initially he applies his tough, disciplinary approach in an elementary school, but eventually softens over time and becomes a defender of the school against bureaucrats who want to demolish the school.
SCENE 1
INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAY
Bill Wilson is tall, powerfully built and intimidating. He is dressed as a correctional officer with broad-brimmed hat, sun glasses, and a belt with a taser in a holster, baton and handcuffs. He is now with a Grade seven class. It’s his first day on the job. The final strains of the national anthem have just died out. He removes his sunglasses.
BILL
Alright class, come to order. My name is Mister Wilson and I will be your custodian for the day. Let us start with roll call. If you are present say “yes sir” and if you are not present say nothing. Is student number four-zero-five-five-six-two here?
(beat)
I say again, is student number four-zero-five-five-six-two present?
There are some quizzical looks and twitters from the students.
BILL
(voice rising, emphasizing the numbers he calls out)
Final time, student number four-zero-five-five-six-two here or do we have a prison break on our hands?
WILMA
(raising her hand)
Excuse me sir.
BILL
(somewhat agitated)
Yes, what is it?
WILMA
It’s just that we usually take attendance by names. We really don’t know our student numbers.
BILL
(mocking voice)
I knew that. I was just testing you all. Very well. Is Alton comma James here?
JAMES
(in a weak voice)
Yes sir.
BILL
(mocking)
Louder, I can’t hear you!
BILL
(mocking)
Still can’t hear you. For Christ sake, ain’t you got any lung power?
JAMES
(nearly screaming)
Yes sir!
BILL
Finally. I could almost hear you. Look, this will take too long and we got lots to do. I’ll just do a head count.
BILL quickly counts and is satisfied all are present.
BILL
Now clear your desks. First order of business. According to your teacher, I am required to give you this test.
BILL hands out tests at the front of each row for the number of students in each row, and as students pass them backwards he continues:
BILL
Place your knapsacks to the left side of your desk. I shall be inspecting them for any contraband.
WILMA raises her hand.
BILL
Are you going to be a troublemaker in this class? Now what?
WILMA
Excuse me, sir? What is contraband?
BILL
Contraband? You don’t know what contraband is? I thought you were supposed to be the smart class in this school. It is illegal or prohibited goods or substances brought into a correctional facility without proper authorization. Okay smarty pants?
As the students begin to write their tests BILL takes the closest knapsack, a pink one with a large kitten on it and lettering saying “Have A Wonderful Day,” dumps its contents on the teacher’s desk and rummages through the pile. He find a small plastic bag containing loose tea leaves. He sniffs it. He holds up both bags.
BILL
Who do these belong to?
JENNIFER, small oriental girl, stands up.
JENNIFER
(voice quaking)
It, it’s mine sir.
BILL
So you confess as to ownership, do you? Did you think you could get away with bringing in marijuana? Were you going to peddle it around to the other inmates and make a quick cash? I knew I was in Lucky Buck gang territory, but I didn’t think they recruited this young.
JENNIFER
(voice still quaking)
But, but it is just tea, sir. I drink herbal tea with my lunch.
BILL
(snearing)
Just tea? Do I look like I just fell off the pumpkin wagon? A likely story. What’s your name?
JENNIFER
Jennifer Lee, sir.
BILL
I’m sorry but this has to be reported to the warden, er principal.
BILL goes to the intercom holding the absence form and calls the office.
V/O
Hello, office.
BILL
This is Officer, er Mr. Wilson, the substitute teacher. I have an inmate, four-zero-seven-seven-niner, who has been caught with contraband. What are the procedures?
V/O
(mystified voice)
WHAT?
BILL
I repeat. I have a miscreant, four-zero. Oh never mind, I’ll handle it myself.
BILL cuts off the intercom and turns to JENNIFER.
BILL
(voice softening)
Listen, you’re young. You were probably influenced by bad types, but you need to be punished as an example to the others. We can’t have others thinking they can break the contraband rules. I’m putting you in solitary.
JENNIFER
(fearful voice)
Sol- sol- solitary? What is solitary?
BILL
You are going to stand in the corner with you nose against the wall.
BILL addresses the rest of the class.
BILL
And if anyone goes near Jenifer or talks to her they will be joining her – or worse!
JENNIFER proceeds to the far corner of the room and puts her nose there.
The bell rings for recess.
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More of Larry’s Funny situations – Comedic Tragedy
What I learned from this exercise is that one has to find a situation which will allow for extended development. I tried for a series of incongruities as to what might develop out of a torture scene with a Monty Python-esque air to it.
The Interrogation
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The scene is a home basement with a small workbench, tools and other items scattered on it. MIGUEL, a Spaniard, has learned that RODNEY, a Brit, has had an affair for six months with his wife, Maria. RODNEY is tied to a chair and is stripped down to his shorts.
MIGUEL
(smoking a cigarette)
You do realize that I have to do this. You have pricked my pride, wounded my honour.
RODNEY
Yes, yes. I quite understand. You Spaniards need to uphold your honour and all that.
MIGUEL
Absolutely! We must not be seen to be cuckolded and so must avenge the wrongdoing.
RODNEY
Very well. Do get on with it, though. It is rather chilly. I’d hate to catch a cold.
MIGUEL
Very well. So tell me what do you like about my wife?
RODNEY
She has radiant, jet-black hair, often smelled like roses on a spring afternoon after a rain shower.
MIGUEL stands behind RODNEY and pulls hard on his hair. RODNEY yelps.
MIGUEL
Anything else?
RODNEY
Oh yes. She had perky breasts, nice and round. Reminded me pretty, flesh-coloured peaches in early autumn.
MIGUEL
You like her breasts, si?
MIGUEL stubs his cigarette against RODNEY’s chest. He yells again.
MIGUEL
Anything more?
RODNEY
Indeed. She has those cute little knees. Perfect for her slim, alluring figure.
MIGUEL
I see your point. You are perfectly right.
MIGUEL takes a hammer and smacks it against RODNEY’S kneecap. He screams in pain.
MIGUEL
And –
(beat. As MIGUEL is hesitating he is absently jabbing a screwdriver in RODNEY’S shoulder.)
RODNEY
(yelp)
Yes?
MIGUEL
And – you know …
(beat)
RODNEY
(yelp)
What is it, man?
MIGUEL
Was she good in bed?
RODNEY
(yelps)
Oh. To tell the truth
(beat)
MIGUEL has a battery jumper cables attached and holds them menacingly. RODNEY closes his legs firmly.
RODNEY
We had a platonic relationship.
MIGUEL
You did not find her attractive enough to want to make love to her?
MIGUEL touches the cable clamps causing a spark.
RODNEY
(tries to double over to protect his privates)
I did, but she said it was against her religion.
MIGUEL
(puts the cables down)
That is good to hear. But I am confused. She goes out with you, but she stays with me. So does she love me or not?
MIGUEL takes RODNEY’S hand and, with a pair of pliers, begins from the thumb to the pinkie, to pull out one fingernail at a time. With Each pull, RODNEY screams.
MIGUEL
She loves me.
(pulls a nail)
MIGUEL
She loves me not.
(pulls a nail)
MIGUEL
She loves me.
(pulls a nail)
MIGUEL
She loves me not.
(pulls a nail)
MIGUEL
She loves me.
(pulls a nail)
MIGUEL
This is a good sign. But how do I win her back?
MIGUEL goes back to absently poking RODNEY in the shoulder with the screwdriver as he ponders this.
RODNEY
Well, mate,
(ouch)
I should think
(ouch)
The way to get her back
(ouch)
Is to win her heart back.
(ouch)
MIGUEL stops the stabbing and, as he is talking, he applies a strip of duct tape on each of RODNEY’S forearms and one on his chest.
MIGUEL
What do you propose I should do? She has stopped loving me. And I do not want to lose my dear Maria.
RODNEY
What I did – I mean what any man would do to win his woman back is to shower with compliments and poetry.
MIGUEL rips a piece off RODNEY’S left arm pulling most of the arm hair off. RODNEY yells.
MIGUEL
(meditatively)
I see. Go on.
RODNEY
Then I – rather, any man would ply her with expensive gifts to show how much he values her.
MIGUL
Yes that makes sense. What else?
MIGUEL rips a piece off RODNEY’S right arm pulling most of the arm hair off. RODNEY yells.
RODNEY
Finally, take her on a long, romantic vacation to spend exclusive time with her.
MIGUEL rips a piece off RODNEY’S chest pulling most of the hair off. RODNEY yells.
MIGUEL
You know, senor Rodney, you have inspired me. I shall take your good advice and go immediately to rekindle the love between Maria and I.
RODNEY
That’s the spirit, mate. Glad I could be of service. Give my regards to your wife.
MIGUEL rushes up the basement stairs and turns off the light, darkening the basement.
RODNEY
Hello? Miguel? Anybody? Some help, please? It’s rather draughty down here.
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Larry – funny Situations – Misinterpretation
What I learned from this assignment is that the setup is key. It has to be efficient and there have to be sufficient elements to allow for a succession of misinterpretations to build the humour.
Fisherman’s Fool
EXT. SEASIDE MARINA – DAY
SAM SPELLING has stolen one million dollars from Jack Stills and plans to get away on a charter boat going from the Bahama Island to Florida. He is dressed casually but is carrying a briefcase. He is in disguise, wearing a fake beard and has dyed his hair badly with raven black colouring. He spots a large sign reading “Captain Bill’s Charters” with Captain Bill sitting on a stool and approaches.
SAM
Hi. I’m looking for a charter to take me off this damn island and I can’t get away quick enough. If you’ve got a boat ready to go I’ve got cash ready to pay.
CAPTAIN BILL
Sure. No bookings so far today. In a hurry?
SAM
That’s for sure. I bring the wife down for a vacation and I caught her in a bed with some local dude. We’re done and I’m out of here. She can fend for herself with her new fuck.
CAPTAIN BILL
Any place in particular you want to go?
SAM
Well I figure you might be able to smuggle me into Miami. If I go missing the wife gets nothing as my estate all goes to my children.
CAPTAIN BILL
(suspicious)
You’re not the police are you? I’ve heard stories of the cops trying set us poor, honest, hard-working sailors into a trap just so they can seize boats and fund their pension.
Sam opens his briefcase part way and produces a wad of cash.
SAM
Does a cop carry this kind of dough? So are we going for sail or do I find another Captain Sparrow? Just to set the terms. You get fifty-thousand cash for delivery of the goods in Miami. Fair?
CAPTAIN BILL
Looks like a fine day for sailing to me. Hop aboard.
The two men hop onto Captain Bill’s boat and cast off. They start off slowly and follow a path close to shore. There is an assistant on board doing the piloting. Captain Bill’s cell phone rings.
SPLIT SCREEN. Conversation between Jack and Bill. Sam eavesdrops but will only hear Bill’s voice.
JACK
It’s Jack. You busy?
BILL
Just going on a one-way cruise. You know, drop a body and get back.
JACK
Do a little fishing for me? See if you can catch a marlin for me. Make for a nice display in my den.
CAPTAIN BILL
Sure, if I see him I’ll catch him. That’s a guarantee. I’ll be careful with the gaffe. Wouldn’t want holes in his head. I’ll try not to break any body parts but no guarantee. Sometimes they squirm something awful when you catch ‘em and cut ‘em.
JACK
Fine. Gotta go.
CAPTAIN BILL
See you, Jack.
(Bill hangs up.)
SAM
Would that be Jack Stills?
CAPTAIN BILL
Yeah, you know him?
SAM
(hastily)
No, no. Heard of him. Has quite a reputation as a gangster
CAPTAIN BILL
(chuckles)
That’s for sure. We go way back. I’ve taken a few guys for a trip for him. Unfortunatley few bodies have accidently fallen overboard. Of course they didn’t need no life preserver afterward.
(laughs at his own joke.)
Listen I got to prepare for a little fishing.
(He pulls out a stool and a pail of fish. He pulls out a machete and begins chopping up the bait.)
Would you like to give me a hand?
(He points the machete in a menacing way.)
SAM
(in a frightened voice)
No, it’s alright. I have an aversion to things being cut up.
SAM goes to the back of the boat and watches the wake. He is beginning to sweat. He notices a bead of black dye drop off and his beard starting to slip. CAPTAIN BILL joins him. A wave smacks the boat, pushing BILL into SAM, almost knocking him overboard. He grabs Sam.
CAPTAIN BILL
Sorry, pal. Almost sent you to Davy Jones’ locker. Wouldn’t want to do that – unless there was a big reward involved.
(He laughs at his own joke.)
CAPTAIN BILL CTD
Jack says that if a guy stiffs him he would have his head stuffed and mounted on his wall. Actually that’s one of my specialties -stuffing and mounting that is. Ever wondered what it would be like to be stuffed and mounted for everyone to look at you?
SAM
(terrified)
Get away from me you crazy man!
(At that moment black dye starts streaming down his face and his beard slides off.)
CAPTAIN BILL
Say, aren’t you –
Sam screams, jumps off the boat and starts swimming frantically for the shore.
CAPTAIN BILL CTD
I could have sworn that guy looked like Harrison Ford. And look at that. The fool left his briefcase!
The End.
-
Larry’s Comedy Plots
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is:
– To take an ordinary situation or individual and create a comedic situation by contriving incongruities in terms of a fish out of water, incongruent pairings or hilarious circumstances.
PREMISE: An uber driver gives a ride to a movie starlet.
1. Fish out of waterThe uber driver takes the starlet to a movie studio, is mistaken for a movie star and dragged into a movie shoot.
2. Incongruent pairings
An uber driver and a vain starlet fall into a large sinkhole and must deal with the problem and each other.
3. Hilarious purpose
The movie starlet hires an uber driver in order to escape a jealous, possessive violent lover who is chasing her.
CHARACTER: A small town, fire-and-brimstone preacher of the late 1800’s time travels to the same town 100 years later.
1. Fish out of water
The preacher finds out the local church has just lost its leader and he takes over the job. He must adjust to the times and his “flock” while the flock adjusts to him.
2. Incongruent pairings
The preacher meets the town hooker and he works on saving her soul while she works on getting him into bed. (cross purposes)
3. Hilarious purpose
The preacher makes it his crusade to clean up the town and save it from its sinful ways – with the help of his senior citizen flock, of course.
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What I learned from this assignment is
Learning Experience from the movie, “Airplane.” I chose this script as it packs a lot of incongruities in the beginning to establish its comedic nature. It is considered by the Rotten Tomatoes website as the second funniest movie of all time.
What I learned from this assignment is:
– Incongruities can be carried over between multiple scenes
– Visual incongruities can stand by themselves without any dialogue
– Visual incongruities can reinforce the dialogue
FADE IN:
EXT. SKY – JUST ABOVE CLOUDS – NIGHT
OMINOUS, THREATENING MUSIC. The upper tail fin of a jet
plane emerges through the cloud layer and PASSES THROUGH the
FRAME like a shark’s fin through water. It passes by again
in the opposite direction. MUSIC BUILDS as the fin comes
straight TOWARD the CAMERA, MUSIC SWELLS to CRESCENDO as
entire jet plane lifts out of clouds and passes overhead.
TITLE SLASHES ACROSS SCREEN, “AIRPLANE!”
CREDITS and MUSIC continue over following.
EXT. AIRPORT – NIGHT (STOCK)
ESTABLISHING terminal building.
EXT. TERMINAL BUILDING – PASSENGER LOADING ZONE – NIGHT
Airport bus arrives. Stewardess ELAINE DICKINSON steps off.
CAMERA FOLLOWS Elaine as she walks to terminal building.
P.A. SYSTEM (female v.o.)
The white zone is for immediate loading
and unloading of passengers only. There is
no stopping in the red zone.
P.A. SYSTEM (male v.o.)
The red zone is for immediate loading and
unloading of passengers. There is no
stopping in the white zone.
P.A. SYSTEM (female v.o.)
No. The white zone is for loading and
unloading, and there is no stopping in the
red zone.
P.A. SYSTEM (male v.o.)
The red zone has always been for loading
and unloading, and there is never stopping
in a white zone.
P.A. SYSTEM (female v.o.)
Don’t tell me which zone is for stopping
and which zone is for loading.
P.A. SYSTEM (male v.o.)
Listen, Betty. Don’t start up with your
white zone shit again!
NOTE: Incongruity: Expectation that an airport would be orderly and efficient and personnel would be professional. The above exchange is neither.
Elaine enters terminal building.
INT. TERMINAL BUILDING – NIGHT
Elaine is approached by a religious ZEALOT #1.
ZEALOT #1
Hello, we’d like you to have this flower
from the Religious Consciousness Church.
ELAINE
No, but thank you very much.
Arrival-Departure TV monitors. Elaine approaches.
ELAINE’S POV – TV MONITORS
Reads: Flight 209 to Chicago – Depart Gate 89 – 7:25 p.m.
Arrival monitor is goldfish swimming.
BACK TO ELAINE
She checks her watch and walks past Security Check area.
CAMERA STAYS with a middle-aged couple, SHIRLEY and JACK,
waiting to pass through Security Check. Behind them is sign
reading: WARNING, HIJACKING IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE, etc.
SHIRLEY
Jack, isn’t that Fred Bliffert over there
in the blue turtleneck? Maybe he’s on our
flight to Chicago.
JACK
Yeah, I think he is.
(waves)
Hey, Fred!
FRED recognizes Jack.
FRED
(yelling)
Hi, Jack!!!
A swarm of police and airport security men descend on Fred
and take him away.
NOTE: Incongruity: The warning sign plays into the misunderstanding of the action and words of the character and resulting consequence, which is over the top reaction. Good visual gag.
EXT. AIRPORT – PASSENGER LOADING ZONE – NIGHT
A limousine arrives. Two colorfully dressed BLACK DUDES
emerge. An extra pesters them. Two HARE KRISHNA’S arrive on
foot and walk toward terminal.
P.A. SYSTEM (female v.o.)
There’s just no stopping in the white
zone.
P.A. SYSTEM (male v.o.)
Christ, you’re as bad as your mother!
P.A. SYSTEM (female v.o.)
Oh, really, Vernon! Why pretend? We both
know perfectly well what it is you’re
talking about. You want me to have an
abortion.
P.A. SYSTEM (male v.o.)
It’s really the only sensible thing to do.
If it’s done properly, therapeutically,
there’s no danger involved.
P.A. SYSTEM (female v.o.)
Have you considered that what’s inside me
is a human being; that it’s alive. We made
love. It’s us — you and me.
P.A. SYSTER (male v.o.)
That isn’t true. A fetus at this stage is
not a human being, nor is it a person.
Krishnas enter terminal building.
INT. TERMINAL BUILDING – NIGHT
The Krishnas are approached by the Religious Zealot.
ZEALOT #2
Hello, we’d like you to have this flower
from the Church of Consciousness. Would
you like to make a donation?
KRISHNA
(shakes his head)
No, we gave at the office.
NOTE: Reverse expectation. Religious zealot plays part of Hare Krisha. Krishna plays part of typical person rejecting donation request.
INT. TERMINAL BUILDING – NIGHT
A voluptuous BLONDE saunters through the airport, clears her
throat loudly, and spits on the wall.
NOTE: Usually expect good-looking lay to be more refined, lady-like.
She walks past an ELDERLY WOMAN standing outside a men’s
room door. She turns and sticks her head in the door.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Go, O.J., go!!
INT. SECURITY CHECK AREA – NIGHT
SECURITY CHECK LADY is watching X-ray scanner. First picture
is typically filled suitcase, then another, then a chest X-
ray.
A man passes through metal detector archway and it BEEPS.
SECURITY LADY
Please put your metal objects on this
tray.
He puts his watch, keys on the tray. Then removes his metal
arm and metal leg.
NOTE: Man follows instructions and places typical items into tray then places atypical items there also.
EXT. TERMINAL BUILDING – PASSENGER LOADING AREA – NIGHT
MR. and MRS. HAMMEN and their eight year old son, JOEY,
arrive in a station wagon. They unload luggage.
P.A. SYSTEM (male v.o.)
The red zone is for immediate loading and
unloading of passengers only. There is no
stopping in the white zone.
P.A. System Female v.o. weeping.
P. A. SYSTEM (male v.o.)
The red zone is for…Betty, put down that
gun!
SHOTS and GROAN.
P.A. SYSTEM (female v.o.)
The white zone is for immediate loading
and unloading of passengers only. There is
no stopping in the red zone.
NOTE: Ongoing argument between Betty and male v.o. character has escalated until Betty shoots him. Then she calmly resumes her instructions as if the shooting has resolved all arguments.
The Hammens walk toward terminal past a BUSINESSMAN.
BUSINESSMAN
Taxi!
A taxi cab skids to a stop in front of him. The Businessman
gets in as the driver, TED STRIKER, drops the flag and
rushes out.
STRIKER
Back in a minute.
INT. TERMINAL BUILDING – BAGGAGE PICKUP AREA – NIGHT
Striker enters, looking around as if searching for someone.
People are rolling down the conveyor belt of a baggage
carousel, banging into each other like luggage. The luggage
is standing around the conveyor belt, waiting for the people
to come off.
INT. TERMINAL BUILDING – ANOTHER AREA – NIGHT
Striker, walking briskly, is approached by Zealot #3 who
tries to pin a flower on his jacket. Striker keeps walking
but the Zealot is persistent. Finally, Striker slips out of
his jacket leaving the Zealot with the coat.
P.A. SYSTEM (v.o.)
Your attention, please. Flight seven-
thirty-three from Milwaukee is now
arriving on the B Concourse, Gate thirty-
five.
EXT. RUNWAY – NIGHT
Flight 733 taxis toward gate. A GROUND CREWMAN with red
flashlights is directing plane to his right. A SECOND
GROUND CREWMAN approaches as First Ground Crewman continues
to direct plane to his right.
CREDITS END.
GROUND CREWMAN #2
Hey, Joe, where’s the forklift?
GROUND CREWMAN #1
The forklift? It’s over there by the
baggage loader.
He points to the left with his flashlights. Flight 733
follows flashlights and CRASHES into terminal.
NOTE: Expect pilots to typically follow directions of groundcrew but would not expect them to blindly roll plane into building.
INT. TERMINAL – GATE 35 – NIGHT
Nose of Flight 733 CRASHES into terminal, scattering waiting
crowd. A woman tosses away her infant child as she runs off.
NOTE: Expectation that any woman would do anything to save her child from danger. This is the opposite.
INT. TERMINAL BULIDING – ANOTHER AREA – NIGHT
Striker catches up to Elaine.
STRIKER
Elaine!
ELAINE
(surprised)
Ted!
STRIKER
I came home early and found your note. I
guess you meant for me to read it later.
Elaine, I’ve got to talk to you.
ELAINE
I just don’t want to go over it any more.
STRIKER
I know things haven’t been right for a
long time, but it’ll be different. If
you’ll just be patient, I can work things
out.
ELAINE
I have been patient and I’ve tried to
help, but you wouldn’t even let me do
that.
STRIKER
Don’t you feel anything for me at all any
more?
ELAINE
It takes so many things to make love last.
Most of all it takes respect. And I can’t
live with a man I don’t respect!
She leaves.
STRIKER
(to CAMERA)
What a pisser.
INT. TERMINAL BUILDING – CONCESSION AREA – NIGHT
CAPTAIN CLARENCE OVEUR is standing at the magazine racks.
The first two sections of the display are books; the third
is girly magazines. The captions over the display are
FICTION, NON-FICTION, WHACKING MATERIAL. He selects a
magazine entitled “Modern Sperm” and begins to page through.
P.A. SYSTEM (v.o.)
Captain Clarence Oveur, white courtesy
phone. Captain Clarence Oveur, white
courtesy phone.
Captain Oveur approaches telephones and picks up a red
phone.
OPERATOR (v.o.)
No, the white phone.
Oveur picks up the white phone.
OVEUR
This is Captain Oveur.
OPERATOR (v.o.)
One moment for your call from the Mayo
Clinic.
P.A. SYSTEM (v.o.)
Captain Oveur, white courtesy phone.
Captain Clarence Oveur…
OVEUR
(yelling at ceiling)
I’ve got it!
P.A. SYSTEM (v.o.)
All right. Thank you.
OPERATOR (v.o.)
Go ahead with your call.
TURNANSKY (v.o.)
This is Doctor Turnansky at the Mayo
Clinic.
INT. DR. TURNANSKY’S OFFICE – NIGHT
DR. TURNANSKY is seated at desk. Behind him are shelves
filled with mayonnaise jars.
TURNANSKY
There’s a passenger on your Chicago flight
two-oh-niner, a little girl named Lisa
Davis — en route to Minneapolis. She’s
scheduled for a heart transplant and we’d
like you to tell her mother that we found
a donor an hour ago.
On his desk is a beaker containing a beating heart.
TURNANSKY
We have the heart here ready for surgery
and we must have the recipient on the
operating table within six hours.
The heart jumps out of the beaker, across the desk and falls
off the edge.
TURNANSKY
I want you to make sure she is kept in a
reclined position and that a continuous
watch is kept on her I.V.
INT. TERMINAL BUILDING – PHONE AREA – NIGHT
TURNANSKY (v.o.)
Also, it’s important that…
OPERATOR (v.o.)
Excuse me. This is the Operator, Captain
Oveur, I have an emergency call for you on
line five from a Mister Hamm.
OVEUR
All right. Give me Hamm on five, hold the
Mayo.
EXT. RUNWAY – NIGHT
Ambulance arrives at airplane. Attendants and MRS. DAVIS
unload LISA DAVIS into wheelchair.
INT. TERMINAL BUILDING – NIGHT
Elaine and Striker are walking together.
STRIKER
Look, you’ll be back in town tomorrow
night. We’ll have dinner — talk it over.
ELAINE
I won’t be back. I’ve requested the
Atlanta run.
STRIKER
Elaine, not yet. I promise you I really
can change.
ELAINE
Then why don’t you take the job that Louie
Netz offered you at Boeing?
In the b.g. an airline PORTER is transporting an ELDERLY
COUPLE in an electric cart. They round the corner too fast
and the woman falls out. Husband doesn’t notice.
STRIKER
You know I haven’t been able to get near
an airplane since the war. And even if I
could, they wouldn’t hire me because of my
war record.
ELAINE
Your war record? You’re the only one
keeping that alive. For everyone else it’s
ancient history.
STRIKER
You expect me to believe that?
In the b.g. the Elderly Woman staggers to her feet and is
immediately run over by another electric cart.
NOTE: You do not expect elderly woman to fall out of electric cart. This gag is compounded when she is hit by another cart. It’s like being hit with lightning twice, in a comical way.
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I agree with you, Dalisia. It is sometimes confusing as the sequencing between “Day _ Assignment” headings and “Lesson __” do not always align. I would be easier to simply head the postings as “Lesson #___ Assignment.”
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Touche!
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My goof. Thanks for noticing. Must have been eating Peter-butter when writing this. I meant it to be John Upton.
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Hi Michael:
I understand your position totally. You have no idea how much paranoia exists and is fostered by School boards these days. In an overzealous effort to protect students Board people instill distrust of those “in the trenches” actually working with students.
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Hi Jeff:
Thanks for your reply. I did see the ring visibility as an issue which is why I changed the superintendent from a ring member to a hired hand. I was thinking the signet ring could be something like a class ring showing that the pedophiles had met together at the same school and therefore each would have one (that was my original backstory to the group, but I was still trying to figure out how to work that part into the script) or it could be the symbol of a “secret society.” Once the audience twigs in on the ring as a pedophile signifier it would be on the lookout for anyone wearing a ring. Towards the end of the story, we find out there is a secret compartment in the ring that holds a cyanide pill, a very 1960’s way to do one’s self in – or others. The police chief will deploy it when he meets the psychopath in the police station, opens the secret compartment and slips a pill into the psychopath’s coffee to kill him and prevent him from possibly revealing the existence of the secret society. (SPOILER ALERT: The Chief, alone with the killer and having administered the pill, quickly leaves so as not to appear to have given the pill (plausible deniability) but the detective finds the dying guy who mumbles something in the ear of the detective who has bent over trying to resuscitate him. This is the second last scene. Last scene: the ring is in a meeting in the judge’s chambers, feeling secure that its secret is safe. There is a knock on the door. It is the detective. The ring compartments snap open and little pills are visible.( And it ain’t aspirin.) The three ring members are really not on camera all that often. The hiding of the ring would depend on camera angles during the course of the shooting of the film (director’s problem). The rings become bread crumb clues leading to the final revelation of the group as a whole. I was also working on the double entrendre of a ring wearing rings in a symbolic way.
But you raise a valid point and it would be easier for the director and camera guy to not have signet rings to deal with. Tattoos could work, but their prevalence is more 2000’s than 1960’s. The backstory would be that they peds met in the navy, where tattoos would be most common. I certainly have some loose ends to fix. Anyways this script is a work-in-progress, n’est pas?
Thanks again.
Larry
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Hi Kathryn:
This plot line might work better as a television series as it reminds me of the Westworld series. Your story has lots of twists and turns (the DNA issue notwithstanding).
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Sorry for not seeing your question earlier. Most of the focus will be on the superintendent, but I initially shroud all identities to keep the audience guessing as to who is involved in the Ring. The audience will know the ring exists and that it wants additional victims, and eventually will want the hero dead, but will not not be sure who is acting on behalf of the Ring.
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Hi James: Thanks for noticing. I think the story is coming together nicely. I’ve made a few alterations in the next assignment to tighten it up a little. I dumped the nephew and put the Hero’s son in his place.
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Hi James: interesting story. There are 2 problems with the signing over of the deed. Duress, or coercion, will invalidate a contract when someone is threatened into making the agreement. So the farmers would have recourse to recover the property. Secondly, for the deed transfer to be valid, the hooded thugs would have to reveal their true identities by signing their names in order to transfer ownership and land titles are a matter of public record. I think you will have to rework that aspect of your story.
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Thanks for your input. However to change the plotline to officials on the take would completely change the nature of my script. See my response the Jeff Bryce.
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It would done in an Alfred Hitchcock style. No child is actually seen victimized; all done by insinuation. The focus will be on the murder of a child. Why Chicago? Big city with large poor section – loss of children less of a concern. Police would be busy with “more important cases.” Also public more trusting of authority figures; pedophilia was not an open concern. Why 1961? Needed to be pre-internet so distribution of child porn only done through photographs,. Also contact lenses were relatively new (it’s an important detail re: the killer) Also the Blackhawks (my favourite hockey team) won the Stanley cup that year (minor detail in the story helps fixes the date – at least for hockey fans) and gives authenticity to story.
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Hi Michael:
Thanks for your response as it does help to clarify the distinctions between the three concepts.
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FYI:
I also live in Canada and was able to view BI through Amazon Prime. I saw Silence of the Lambs through Bell On Demand services. This may be useful to you for viewing other shows.
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Hi Eclipse: Thanks for your note. You make a good point as to having the characters do “regular” things which would then allow a contrasting of their goofiness. I see that details can be so important in writing a solid comic scene and script.
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Hi William: Thanks for your note. Yes, as Billy and Gandi are engaged in conversation, the other characters are wandering in and out of the shot. I should have made that clearer. The Martha Stewart element was meant as a running gag and parody of her. Her final segment was meant as a comic twist where “Miss Know-it-all” has no answer for Jack’s predicament and uncharacteristically uses crude language.