[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value

What I learned doing this assignment are the steps I can take to increase my perceived value as a screenwriter.

1. What is your speciality? Describe your expertise in that speciality in one or two sentences.

My specialty is character-driven drama. I have written a feature-length screenplay, a TV pilot, second episode, and pitch bible, and have a treatment for a second feature-length screenplay.

2. How many producers do you have in your LinkedIn Network?

I have thirteen producers in my network on LinkedIn.

3. Looking at the list above titled “Increasing Your Perceived Value,” please tell us your plan for increasing your value in these three time frames:

A. Today

Complete this assignment.

B. In the next 30 days

Create a screenplay fan page on FB.

Invite Producers to connect on LinkedIn.

Use the “Attracting Fans And Champions” strategy.

C. In the next 6 months

Have at least fifty people read my script(s).

Schedule at least ten meetings with producers for writing assignments.

Get hired for at least two writing assignments.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa is a note-taking professional

What I learned doing this lesson is how to be open, flexible, collaborative, and positive about receiving notes from producers.

Logline:

A Vietnamese refugee uses a chance to film a documentary as a ploy to rescue her twin brother in 1975 Saigon.

Tell us how you would honor each of the following requests:

Cut the budget in half.

I would start by trimming the script down from 120 minutes to 90 minutes.
I would try to focus the story on the drama the characters endure as opposed to re-enacting the historical events that show the bigger picture.
Then, I would look at less expensive filming locations.
I might consider making it an animated film which is still expensive, but less than my original vision of shooting in Saigon and Camp Pendleton.
I would look at doing CGI instead of re-enacting the Fall of Saigon.<div>

Write it for a different audience (quadrant).

I could write it for males over the age of 25.

Double the conflict.

I would need help with this one as extreme conflict exists from the onset of the movie and throughout to the very end.

Change the sex and age of the lead character.

Instead of Kimoanh, a fifteen-year-old girl, as the lead, I would make her twin brother, Cuong, the lead and write them both as in their young twenties.

Change the genre.

I could write this as an action drama or an animation.

</div>

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Decreased Budget

What I learned doing this lesson is how to think creatively when asked to decrease the budget.

1. Run through this list and tell us how many ways (at least five ways) you can decrease the budget on your High Budget screenplay and what changes you might make in the script to do that.

VARIABLES I AM CHANGING FOR A REDUCED BUDGET

– Expensive locations: Shoot Vietnam scenes in California. <div>

– Number of characters – Opt for scenes with family and neighbors instead of large crowds of people trying to escape.

– Number of pages: decrease from 150 pages to 90.

– Crowd scenes:

<div>

Fall of Saigon: Focus more on the fear and panic of the family and their attempt to escape rather than showing a re-enactment of the event.

Tent City: Could use a set that is set against a green screen instead of filming at Camp Pendleton Marine Base.

– Water and underwater scenes:</div><div>

Filming scenes in boats on the ocean: They could conceivably be filmed in a large pool. I saw this done with an episode of Lost and also the raft in the storm scene in the movie Castaway.

2. With a major scene that depends upon a “high budget variable,” take it through the process of finding another way to deliver on the dramatic goal.

– High-budget variable scene:

A re-enactment of the Fall of Saigon and the US military evacuations.

– Ask, “What is the dramatic goal am I trying to accomplish with this scene?”:

To show the terror and pandemonium that caused thousands of Vietnamese to abandon their home country.

– Ask, “How can I accomplish the dramatic goal without the expense?”

Focus more on the fear and panic of the family and their attempt to escape than showing how the real event played out.

</div></div>

[Lisa Duffy]

Happy New Year, everyone! I’m ready to do the 2nd Producer’s Interview whenever anyone else is ready!

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Fantastic Treatment

What I learned doing this lesson is how important it is to confidently audition for a writing job by knowing how to respond to a producer’s request for a treatment, and how much easier writing a screenplay is if you have a treatment first!

Logline: A Vietnamese refugee uses a chance to film a documentary as a ploy to rescue her twin brother in 1975 Saigon. (based upon real personal experience and historical events)

Genre: Drama

Structure: 3 Act

Saigon, April 30, 1975. Identical twins, Kimoanh and Huong Nguyen celebrate their sixteenth birthday with family and friends, but the atmosphere is tense as they await the invasion of the Viet Cong. Bao and Hien Nguyen, the twins’ parents, know there will be a secret signal that cues Americans their evacuation has begun and they have an escape plan ready. At noon, the streets of Saigon ring with the sound of Bing Crosby singing “White Christmas” – the promised signal. The societal meltdown and chaos begins as Vietnamese citizens flood the US Embassy, but instead of following suit, the Nguyen’s head for the coast where they will escape by boat come nightfall.

The family joins others in a nearby fishing village, hiding in the trees, waiting for the right time to grab the boats and set off. Despite warnings to remain together, Huong wanders away and misses the signal to run to the boat. Within seconds, the boats have launched and Huong is left behind. Hien and Kimoanh are inconsolable as the boat quietly moves out to sea. Hien pleads with Bao to go back but he refuses. Huong reacts with shock and desperation as he watches his family leave him behind.

Nearby Viet Cong soldiers chase Huong through the wilderness. Huong submerges himself in a rice paddy breathing through a reed to stay alive. The Viet Cong eventually capture him and take him to a level 3 re-education camp. Meanwhile, the US Coast Guard rescues the few refugees left alive on the boat, including Kimoanh and her mother. They are taken to Camp Pendleton’s Tent City.

In the concentration camp, Huong suffers tremendously as he is tortured and forced into manual labor. Back in Camp Pendleton, Kimoanh can feel her captive brother’s emotional and physical pain so she knows he’s alive. Cameron P. Bailey, a small-time film producer visiting Camp Pendleton is alerted to Kimoanh’s situation and is compelled to help. He gets permission to shoot a documentary in Saigon and intends to use it as a ploy to seek out and rescue the brother. He enlists the help of his journalist friend, Phil Johnstone, who was previously stationed in Vietnam.

Cameron, Phil, and Kimoanh fly to Vietnam and begin the search for Huong to no avail. After a few weeks of endless searching and lying to Viet Cong officials about their objectives, they have run out of money and are suddenly blocked from entering the camps because the Viet Cong officials are suspicious of their motives.

As a last-ditch effort, they sneak into a camp at night where they believe Huong is and are caught. Cameron is killed, Phil is detained, and Kimoanh is sent back to the US empty-handed.

Alone, Kimoanh is forced to consider that her brother was actually dead all along, and there was truly no “twin phenomenon”; it was just her emotions leading her to believe her brother was still alive. When she returns to the US, she joins her mother who has been sponsored out of Camp Pendleton.

Cameron, who was seriously wounded, but didn’t actually die discovers Huong in the camp by accident. He is able to get Phil released, smuggle Huong out of the camp and get him back to America. They all show up unannounced at the home of Kimoanh’s sponsor and are reunited. Cameron and Phil use their footage and experience to release a powerful documentary that wins national acclaim and humanitarian awards.

Characters:

KIMOANH NGUYEN (based on a real person)

16 years old, twin sister of Huong. Celebrity of hit Vietnamese tv show like Saved By The Bell. Beautiful, smart, fun, but reserved at first. Delicate, sweet, friendly. Media darling. Moody, melancholic.

HUONG NGUYEN (based on a real person)

16 years old, twin brother of Kimoanh. Celebrity of hit Vietnamese tv show like Saved By The Bell. Teen heartthrob. Very outgoing and gregarious. Stubborn. Will do the opposite of what you suggest he should do.

CAMERON P. BAILEY

37 years old. Grew up poor, raised by a single mother. Big victim mentality. Has produced

documentaries about obscure charities that never garnered much attention. Believes he has immense talent; feels gypped by those around him.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Lisa Duffy.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Synopsis for Producer Interview

What I learned doing this lesson is how to carefully cultivate this step-by-step process when approaching a producer with a pitch/idea.

Title: (Working) A Girl Named Kimoanh (pronounced Kim Wang)

Genre: Drama

Logline: A Vietnamese refugee uses a chance to film a documentary as a ploy to rescue her twin brother in 1975 Saigon.

Synopsis:

Saigon, April 30^th, 1975, the day before Saigon fell. Family and friends are celebrating Kimoanh and Huong Nugyen’s 16^th birthday. All looks happy and festive but just down the hallway are everyone’s luggage stacked up in the foyer. Kimoanh and Huong are teen TV celebrities and are using their personalities to try and make everyone feel like things are normal, but everyone is completely on edge.

The twins’ uncle, An Dung, is a chauffeur for an American military official who tells him there will soon be a signal prompting the evacuation of US military. He is sharing that because the friend has been a loyal driver and friend. An Dung tells his brother, Bao, the twins’ father, to be prepared to leave at a moment’s notice.

Life in Saigon seems to be normal. Everyone is going about their daily business. Suddenly, the streets are filled with the sound of music… Bing Crosby singing “White Christmas.” An Dung is driving the limo, waiting at a red light with the military official when they hear the song. Official redirects his driving to the Embassy and warns him to get his family to the embassy immediately.

The embassy is flooded with Vietnamese trying to escape. Soldiers are allowed to climb gate, and Vietnamese are pushed/kicked down from the gate. An Dung, with his wife and child, see it is futile and head over to Bao’s to plan escape by boat at night.

The family is frantically grabbing their belongings and running into the countryside where they can hide. The plan is to escape in boats by night. They find themselves in good company as most of the fishing village is hiding in the wilderness, waiting for the right time to grab the boats and set off.

Huong wanders away to relieve himself at the very time they’re given the signal to run to the boats. Within seconds, the boats have launched and Huong returns to the shoreline to see he’s been left behind. Huong’s mother and Oanh are melting down in silence as the boats pull away from the shore, leaving Huong behind. The wife tells Bao to go back but he refuses and continues on, despite her tears.

Huong is having a meltdown on the shoreline as his family leaves him behind. Nearby Viet Cong are alerted he is there and chase him through the wilderness. Running for his life from the Viet Cong who are closing in on him, Huong decides to submerge himself in a rice paddy and use a reed to breathe through. The Viet Cong catch up and don’t know where he is but decide to stake him out and wait. Huong remains submerged for hours, breathing through the reed, waiting until he believes it’s safe. Viet Cong leaves one-by-one. Day turns into night.

All has been quiet and still for a long time and Huong believes he’s okay to get out of the water. He stirs, then sits up completely. Once he stands up, he hears a cry from the jungle and the Viet Cong captures him and beat him up. Huong is tied up, hanging from a rafter and being tortured by the Viet Cong because he won’t cooperate with information.

Act 2:

The boat drifts on the open sea and is packed with haggard, scared people. Kimoanh’s mother is a crumpled heap of suffering humanity, grieving for the son they left behind. Some villagers are becoming sick, and Bao tells them it’s sea sickness. As the days go on, everyone becomes sick, including Bad and they discover the food they brought for the journey was bad and its food poisoning. With little water to go around, people are starting to die from dehydration.

After several days, many people have died, including Bao. Kimoanh tries to keep her mother comfortable. Eventually, her mother goes into a coma and is unresponsive. The boat drifts aimlessly. The boat is finally rescued by the American Coast Guard and the girl and her mother are two of the few still alive. They are taken to Marine Base Camp Pendleton, San Diego where they are situated in Tent City. The mother goes to the base hospital and Kimoanh stays in another family’s tent. Kimoanh can feel her captive brother’s emotional and physical pain so she knows he’s alive.

A film producer visiting Camp Pendleton is alerted to Kimoanh’s situation and is compelled to help. He gets permission to shoot a documentary in Saigon and uses it as a ploy to seek out and rescue the brother. He enlists the help of his journalist friend who was stationed in Saigon.

Act 3:

As the producer and photographer film, they find the boy, but he is too weak and injured to go with them. They are assisted by other camp residents who sympathize, help make the ploy work, and successfully rescue the brother. The producer and photographer return with documentary footage that reveals the incredible story and wins awards.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Drama Writing Sample Plan

What I learned doing this lesson is how important it is to have a killer writing sample that highlights your industry expertise and writing strengths.

Description

These ten pages come from my pilot script for a TV series titled “Streets Of Dreams”. This first episode introduces us to Clare, a seventeen-year-old girl who loses her family in a home explosion/fire and she is sent to live with relatives who despise her.

It also introduces us to Christian Santiago, a newly-deigned police detective who is actually a mule for former police chief turned prison inmate Roy Nagle. Santiago is a good cop forced between a rock and a hard place by the grudge-bearing Nagle. When he orders the murder of the entire Damiano family and Clare escapes unharmed, Nagle tasks Santiago with finishing the job.

EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY

A blackened skeleton is all that remains of the Damianos’ stately home. Neighboring houses have sustained a lot of exterior damage, which is also being inspected. Thick smoke rises in curly black vapors as the ground smolders. Police tape is everywhere. Neighbors stand around, some still in their pajamas, shaking their heads and gawking at the devastating scene.

The fire chief, rugged, crusty MACK PORTER, 56, and his team along with the local police are crawling the house’s footprint. One of them picks up Hannah’s melted cell phone next to what used to be a door jam. Some of the crew collect pieces of the Damianos’ life that were propelled by the explosion into neighboring yards. An older woman dressed hastily in an unmatched sweatsuit hands a half-destroyed men’s dress shoe to a fireman who drops it into a plastic bag.

Christian pulls up to the scene in his Chevy Charger and flashes his badge at the cops blocking entry. He parks and gets out, stepping on the charred remains of a toy Star Wars light sabre. He starts snapping pictures with his phone as he walks over to where the house was.

Inspecting the evidence table piled with plastic bags containing debris collected from the site, Christian types a text message that is interrupted by a voice directly behind him.

MACK PORTER

Detective?

Christian whips around and pockets his phone as he holds out his hand.

CHRISTIAN

Chief. Detective Santiago.

They shake hands.

MACK

Santiago. I’ve heard about you. Hammond’s pet PI.

CHRISTIAN

(smirking)

That’s a buncha crap. So, whadda we got here?

MACK

Explosion. Appears to have started in the basement. Gas line leak.

They climb down what’s left of the staircase that leads into what used to be the basement. Christian slaps soot off his suit jacket as he follows Mack.

CHRISTIAN

An entire family gone, just like that. That’s insane.

MACK

Almost the entire family. One of them survived.

CHRISTIAN

Heard that rumor… You know which one?

MACK

No idea. Check with the hospital.

Mack bends down and inspects the utility line, pointing his finger at a crater in the cement floor.

MACK

See this here… that’s the point of combustion.

CHRISTIAN

Interesting.

MACK

The question is, what caused it to combust?

Christian points to the charred, shriveled canister that used to be the water heater.

CHRISTIAN

Looks like your culprit right there. Sounds to me like a very unfortunate accident.

MACK

It was a gas-powered water heater, so, you may be correct. But, we’re testing for accelerants.

Christian puts on his sunglasses to hide his concern.

CHRISTIAN

Accelerants? Seems pretty cut and dried to me.

Mack spits on the ground and looks suspiciously at Christian.

MACK

That’s a fairly elementary perspective for a lead PI.

CHRISTIAN

So, what, you’re saying you think someone deliberately targeted Judge Damiano?

A little stink eye from Mack.

MACK

What do you know about Judge Damiano?

Christian laughs nervously.

CHRISTIAN

Aren’t all judges targets to one degree or another? I mean, c’mon. Would you want that job?

He starts walking back up the mangled stairs. Mack stares after him, silently noting Christian’s awkward exit.

MACK

(loudly)

Never thought about it that way. But I’d be interested to hear any thoughts you might have on that one.

CHRISTIAN

Looking forward to that report. End of day?

MACK

End of day.

Christian returns to his car and continues with his text: “99%”. He attaches the pics of the scene and hits “send.”

INT. DIVINE MERCY HOSPITAL – DAY

Beep. Beep. Beep. The heart monitor machine emits its steady cadence as Clare lays unconscious in the dark hospital room directly across from the nurse’s station.

REPORTER (O.S.)

(low-talking)

Doctors are especially tight-lipped which indicates the survivor is likely a minor.

Police guard the hallway doors, protecting the nursing staff from media bombardment.

REPORTER (O.S.)

Other sources say it appears to be a female under the age of 18.

Just down the hall, the waiting room is crammed with cameras and journalists waiting for a crack at some news from the doctors.

INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM – DAY

REPORTER

(dictating to her phone)

No official statement as of 9:47am.

The room is full of low chatter as reporters dictate into their phones and make calls. Lost in the middle of all the hoopla, Aaron sits nervously in a chair waiting to see Clare.

Out of nowhere, a parade enters the hospital… no, wait… it’s not a parade, it’s a giant, noisy throng of high school students carrying balloons, flowers, stuffed animals and more, bursting through the automatic doors into the waiting room, all led by Miss Natalie Hoffman.

The kids snap selfies and take pictures of the reporters and camera crews. The young crowd takes over the waiting room, now standing room only, waiting for Natalie’s direction. She heads straight over to Aaron and hugs him while the rest of the crew sits wherever they can. Chairs, floor, laps, window sills. The reception nurse is not amused.

NATALIE

Have you seen her, yet?

AARON

I’m not family.

NATALIE

Well, you’re her boyfriend! You’re practically family!

AARON

Nah. She’s got an aunt and uncle. They were here last night. Won’t let me see her until after they visit.

RECEPTION NURSE

Excuse me, miss?

Natalie looks up, points to her innocent self.

RECEPTION NURSE

Yes. Please approach the glass.

Natalie approaches.

NATALIE

Um, yeah, thank you for calling me up here. I just have a couple of questions for you.

RECEPTION NURSE

That’s nice, but are you and your friends here to see Clare Damiano?

NATALIE

Yes. Yes, we are. We’re here to support our friend. Did you hear what happened to her?

RECEPTION NURSE

Yes, I did. But I’m sorry to inform you she is not allowed to have visitors right now.

NATALIE

Oh, my gosh, that’s really weird. Because my friend, Aaron, that’s him right there, he said you told him she can have visitors after her aunt and uncle visit.

RECEPTION NURSE

And that hasn’t happened, yet, so as I said, you are not allowed to see her.

NATALIE

Okay. It’s okay. We’ll wait.

RECEPTION NURSE

I’m sorry, but you can’t ALL wait here in this room. We must leave space for family members of those who are in the hospital.

NATALIE

Do you actually know what happened last night? Clare lost her entire family. Her parents, her brothers and her sister. We are her family now.

A reporter zeroes in on this exchange and elbows his camera guy in the ribs. Another reporter notices as the camera guy starts recording.

RECEPTION NURSE

Miss, would you please lower your voice?

NATALIE

No. No, I will not lower my voice. Clare has no one left and I think it’s safe to say that now we are her family.

The kids start circling around Natalie with their balloons and paraphernalia as some of the media get closer to the scene.

RECEPTION NURSE

I’m very sorry miss, but if you’re going to cause a commotion, you’re going to have to leave. All of you.

NATALIE

(louder)

We’re not leaving! We are the ones that love Clare and she needs to know we are here for her.

A slick, polished female reporter shoves a microphone in Natalie’s face as her camera guy points the camera in Natalie’s direction and starts recording.

REPORTER

Excuse me, miss, did you say you’re a family member?

The reception nurse comes out from behind her window as other reporters and cameras gather around.

RECEPTION NURSE

Alright now, that’s enough. You kids are just going to have to go home. Please, sir, stop recording.

The camera guy totally ignores her and focuses on Natalie.

NATALIE

Uh, I was saying that Clare’s family is gone and we are her family now. You should let everyone know this nurse won’t even let us in to see her.

Natalie wins.

REPORTER

Ma’am, is that true? Why would you prevent these kids from showing their support for– Clare, is it? Is that the survivor’s name?

The room suddenly roars with reporters shouting questions and cameras flashing. The teens rally around Natalie as Aaron watches from his chair, incredulous. The nurse is overwhelmed and a policeman comes to her rescue.

POLICEMAN

Settle down, folks! The doctors will be making a statement soon.

A reporter shouts from the back of the crowd.

REPORTER #2

Sir, can you confirm that the surviving family member’s name is “Clare Damiano”?

A firestorm of questions rips through the room as the policemen shout over the crowd. Suddenly, the double doors of the hospital entrance part, ushering Margaret and Phillip into the waiting room. They are completely stunned by what is taking place. Margaret evil-eyes Natalie, then the parade of friends. The reception nurse runs out and grabs Margaret’s arm, guiding her through the crowd.

RECEPTION NURSE

Excuse us. Excuse us. Please make way.

REPORTER

(to Margaret)

Excuse me, ma’am, are you family?

REPORTER #2

(to Phillip)

Sir, are you related to the survivor of the explosion?

Margaret and Phillip look like deer in headlights as the media descend upon them, following them down the hallway as they try to escape. Aaron and Natalie watch with delight.

AARON

Welp, they’re our ticket in. And that was totally worth the price of admission.

INT. NURSES STATION AT SUICIDE WATCH ROOM – DAY

Beep. Beep. Beep. Clare’s face is calm as she sleeps, still under heavy sedation. Aaron and Natalie stand at her bedside, talking to her with hopes she hears them. A teenager carrying flowers walks solemnly up to the glass wall and lays them on a table where a huge pile of flowers, teddy bears, signs, and balloons has amassed. Behind her, another teen waits for her turn to approach. Behind her, a line of whispering teens winding down the hallway wait their turn to enter and leave their support for Clare.

Christian rounds the corner of the hallway, almost running directly into the line of teens. Surprised, but on a mission, he proceeds directly to the nurse’s station outside Clare’s room, taking note of the massive show of support for Clare. He’s greeted by the attending nurse, Cassie.

NURSE CASSIE

Good morning, sir. We have limited visitation at the moment and I’ll have to ask you to wait down the hall in the public waiting room.

CHRISTIAN

(showing his badge)

Detective Santiago with the 4th Precinct, ma’am, I’m not visiting. I’m here to question Miss Damiano.

NURSE CASSIE

Well, as you can see, she is not available for questioning.

CHRISTIAN

Yes, I see. If you would be so kind as to recommend a time when Miss Damiano will be awake, I can come back.

NURSE CASSIE

Sir, that’s not my place to give you that information, you’d have to speak with her physician, Dr. Bartolomeo.

CHRISTIAN

Of course. Is he here, now?

Nurse Cassie looks at him hesitantly.

CHRISTIAN

(with a charming smile)

What’s your name?

Cassie blushes a little.

NURSE CASSIE

Cassie. My name’s Cassie.

CHRISTIAN

Well, Cassie, since you’re in charge here, I’m at your mercy. I would greatly appreciate your help.

NURSE CASSIE

I guess I can see if I can catch him before he leaves. But you’ll have to wait down the hall.

CHRISTIAN

Thank you, Cassie. I’ll just wait down there for you.

Christian starts walking away, but turns around and walks backward, putting his hand over his heart.

CHRISTIAN

Don’t forget about me.

He flashes his million-dollar smile and Cassie smiles back, flushed and embarrassed.

NURSE CASSIE

Okay, thank you. I’ll be with you shortly, sir.

Christian saunters down the hallway, looking at his phone. Cassie sighs deeply, then looks around to ensure the teens are respecting the visitation rules. All seems to be in order, so she leaves her post in search of Dr. Bartolomeo.

At the end of the hallway, Christian makes a u-turn and hurries back up to Clare’s room, slipping inside, startling Aaron and Natalie.

AARON

Who are you?

CHRISTIAN

No, I’m detective Santiago, 4th Precinct.

AARON

Detective?

Christian shows him his badge.

CHRISTIAN

How is she doing?

NATALIE

Not good. We’re so worried.

Christian takes a good look at Clare. His face softens.

CHRISTIAN

(to Natalie)

What’s your name?

NATALIE

I’m Natalie Hoffman.

AARON

I’m Aaron Forsythe, her boyfriend. I, I mean, Clare’s boyfriend.

He shakes hands with Christian.

AARON

Why are you here?

CHRISTIAN

I could ask the same question.

Aaron and Natalie look at each other, confused.

NATALIE

Well, duh. We’re, like, her family now? We, like, care?

CHRISTIAN

You and Clare, you go way back?

NATALIE

We’ve been friends since 5th grade.

A teen approaches the glass and peers into the room as she lays down a bouquet of flowers on the table outside the glass wall. Natalie waves at her.

CHRISTIAN

So, you guys are close with her. What was her family like?

NATALIE

Clare’s family was great. I mean, every family has their issues, but the Damiano family was pretty tight. Really nice people.

AARON

Yeah. They seemed pretty solid in my opinion.

Aaron looks at him with suspicion.

AARON (CONT.)

Hey, are you here because you think this wasn’t an accident?

A bright blue light begins blinking at the nurse’s station.

CHRISTIAN

Well, that’s my cue.

He hands them both his card.

CHRISTIAN

Keep in touch, okay? If you remember anything strange, call me.

Aaron and Natalie nod as Christian leaves with haste, narrowly missing Cassie as she comes back to answer the blinking light.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Lisa Duffy.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Key Business Decisions

What I learned doing this lesson is understanding what the key business decisions are when crafting a concept that you want to pitch to a producer; really sort of seeing the idea through his/her eyes and incorporating those concerns into my project.

Give us the decisions that are in your current High Budget script:

Genre: Drama

Title: A Girl Named Oanh (working title)

Concept: A Vietnamese refugee uses a chance to film a documentary as a ploy to rescue her twin brother in 1975 Saigon.

Audience: Females under 25

Budget: 100 million

Lead Characters: Kim Oanh Nuygen & Hương Nuygen (16-yr-old twins), Mitch Forester (film producer)

Journey /Character Arc: Oanh & Hương go from pampered teen celebrities to gritty, steely, survivors of war. Mitch goes from a nobody Indy film producer with a victim mentality to humble, accomplished Nobel Peace prize winner.

Opening / Ending:

Opening – A family escapes during the fall of Saigon in 1975, but the son is tragically left behind.

Ending – The daughter and film producer successfully extract the son from torture in a re-education camp.

Items that could be improved:

1 – The title: I haven’t come up with the perfect title for this, yet, and feel like it won’t come until I’ve gotten further into the writing of the script.

2 – The concept: This is based partially on my own personal experience, so that part of the structure is essential to the story, but the longline needs to be better and the concept itself is open to improvement.

3 – The audience: The protagonists are 16-yr-old Vietnamese twins and I envision this movie to be in the vein of “Empire Of The Sun”/“Life Of Pi”, so my guess is the audience would be females under 25, but not really sure if I’m selling it short with that.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Specialty – Drama

What I learned doing this lesson is how to up your game and analyze films as a writer, not simply an observer. I actually did what Hal suggested in the audio and stopped after every scene to analyze it when I watched them. Took me forever and each was about fifteen pages long, so I didn’t post it here. But, it was a great exercise.

MOVIE #1

Genre: Drama

Title: Good Will Hunting

How it delivered on the genre conventions:

Purpose – To expose the darkness of child abuse and deliver an emotionally heart-wrenching, yet, satisfying examination of Will’s past that leads to a freer, brighter future.

Character-driven journey – Story of abused orphan, Will Hunting, who is a mathematical genius, yet hides in plain sight as a janitor until he’s accidentally discovered by Harvard’s Math professor, Lambeau. To avoid jail time for minor crime, Will agrees to be Lambeau’s protege’ and commit to hours of therapy to confront his troubled past, which leads to a challenging, yet ultimately rewarding relationship with therapist Sean, who is able to help Will experience a life-changing break through.

High stakes come from within – Will faces jail time if he doesn’t follow through with the plan. Lambeau can reposition himself as someone important in the academic community if he has Will as his protege’. Sean knows Will is going to challenge him emotionally, but is up for the fight.

Emotionally resonates – Will is searching for love and friendship that will not abandon him, like most of us do. I’m sure it was helpful for those who have suffered abuse to watch.

Challenging, emotionally-charged situations – His relationship with Sean when Sean calls his bluff, his relationship with Skylar when he’s afraid to reveal his true self to her, his relationship with Chuckie who pushes him to succeed.

Real-life situations: Definitely grounded in the reality that child abuse is a real and serious issue that should be acknowledged and addressed.

OUTLINE OF THE MOVIE HIGHLIGHTING PARTS THAT FULFILL THE GENRE:

Will, an orphan victim of extreme physical and emotional abuse, is actually a genius but hides in plain sight as a university janitor.

Character journey, emotionally resonates

To avoid jail time, he agrees to become Lambeau’s protege and attend weekly therapy sessions.

High stakes, character journey

He and his friends have a showdown with an arrogant Harvard student at a bar, which is where he meets Skylar.

Emotionally resonates, real-life situations

He believes he can outsmart everyone, including Lambeau and every therapist he sees. However, the truth is he doesn’t want anyone to discover his past or his hurt.

High stakes, Challenging, emotionally-charged situations, emotionally resonates

Lambeau introduces him to Sean, on whom he tries the same approach, but Sean calls his bluff and Will knows he’s met his match.

High stakes, character journey, emotionally resonates

Will dates Skylar and starts a relationship with her.

Character journey, emotionally resonates, real-life situations

His relationship gets deeper and stronger with Sean, but he still blocks him from his pain.

High stakes, Challenging, emotionally-charged situations, emotionally resonates, real-life situations

Sean and Lambeau have an embattled history and struggle to agree on the correct treatment approach for Will.

Challenging, emotionally-charged situations, emotionally resonates, real-life situations

After cultivating a good relationship with Skylar, Will decides to break it off abruptly in order to protect himself from the possibility of her knowing the truth about him and leaving him.

High stakes, Challenging, emotionally-charged situations, emotionally resonates, real-life situations

He abandons Lambeau after he points out how impotent he is in comparison to his own mathematical talent.

Challenging, emotionally-charged situations, emotionally resonates, real-life situations

Sean is finally able to help Will have a life-changing breakthrough.

Character journey, emotionally resonates, Challenging, emotionally-charged situations

Will’s friends gift him a car for his birthday, which he uses to leave town, unannounced and head out to California to win Skylar back.

Character journey, emotionally resonates, Challenging, emotionally-charged situations, real-life situations

MOVIE #2

Genre: Drama

Title: Thelma And Louise

How it delivered on the genre conventions:

Purpose – It presented a gripping moral dilemma surrounding the murder and other illegal activity committed by two women who were attempting to protect themselves from a rapist and the long arm of the law.

Character-driven journey – Story of Thelma, a “kept” housewife and Louise, a single waitress who leave town for a girls’ weekend at a cabin and end up fugitives running for their lives.

High stakes come from within – Louise could have pleaded self-defense if she had shot Thelma’s rapist just a few seconds sooner when he was committing a crime. Instead, she shot him in cold blood after the fact. Thelma and Louise consider the likelihood a jury would believe they were defending themselves, and the kind of life they would have in prison in the very short window of time they have to report the incident to the police. They also must consider that they will lose their relationships (Thelma’s husband and Louise’s boyfriend) if they run. In the end, the ultimate high stakes come when they are surrounded by law enforcement and seem to have no choice but to give up.

Emotionally resonates – The movie brings up a number of relatable issues such as being married to terrible husbands, women being objectified, friendship, and more.

Challenging, emotionally-charged situations – The extreme rollercoaster that Thelma and Louise’s friendship goes through; both women’s relationships with their partners; Louise’s relationship with Hal (FBI).

Real-life situations – The movie brings up a number of relatable issues such as being married to terrible husbands, women being objectified, friendship, and more.

Outline of the movie, highlighting the parts that fulfill the genre:

1. Thelma and Louise plan a weekend away at a cabin for some “girl time.” – Character journey, emotionally resonates, real-life situations

2. They stop along the way for a bite to eat and end up dancing and drinking. Real-life situations

3. Thelma has been dancing with Harlan all night and is drunk. He takes her to the parking lot for some air. Real-life situations

4. In the parking lot, Harlan tries to rape Thelma. Emotionally resonates, real-life situations

5. Louise appears holding a gun and stops Harlan. He insults her and she shoots him. Emotionally resonates, real-life situations, purpose

6. The women flee in desperation. High stakes, emotionally resonates, real-life situations

7. They find a hotel and Thelma melts down while Louise gets angry. Louise calls Jimmy and ask for money. emotionally resonates, real-life situations

8. They drive to Oklahoma where Jimmy is with the money. Thelma latches on to JD. Emotionally resonates, real-life situations

9. Hal Slocumb interviews Thelma’s husband, Darryl and Jimmy. Real-life situations

9. JD steals their stash of money and Louise has a breakdown. High stakes

10. Thelma and Louise switch roles; Thelma becomes the adult and Louise becomes the child. Emotionally resonates, real-life situations

11. Thelma robs a convenience store. High stakes

12. The FBI catches JD. Real-life situations

13. Thelma and Louise are stopped by a LEO. They take control of the situation and lock him in the trunk of his squad car and take off. High stakes

14. Thelma reaches out to Hal Slocumb and he says they’re charging her with murder. High stakes

15. Thelma and Louise blow up a trucker’s truck. Emotionally resonates, Real-life situations

16. The FBI catches up with the women and corner’s them at a cliff. Instead of surrendering, they decide to commit suicide and drive off the cliff. High stakes, emotionally resonates.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Credibility is Going Up!

What I learned doing this assignment is how important it is to take responsibility for your own industry credibility, even when you have next to none. After doing this assignment, my eyes were opened to the different ways I could boost my credibility while I’m working toward getting a writing assignment.

2-3 WAYS I CAN INCREASE MY CREDIBILITY IN THE NEXT 30 DAYS

1 – Fortify my LinkedIn profile with current experience and achievements

2 – Connect with more industry producers.

3 – Reconnect with the 3 producers I already am connected with to refresh the relationship

4 – Enter more screenplay contests

5 – I’m also being considered for a volunteer contest script reader spot.

CREDIBILITY CHECKLIST

1. Your Writing Sample

Delivers on the genre in a strong way – Yes <div>

Delivers on the business decisions – Yes

3. The Google factor

My name and website appear first in a Google search. I’ve been an author & speaker for more than twenty years and am now redesigning my website to include screenwriting.

4. Your Network

How many producers are in your network? 3 </div><div>

How many Connections do you have who are connected to producers? 12 – 20

7. IMDB CREDITS

My IMDB credit: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm5883063/?ref_=fn_al_nm_4

8. Other forms of credibility that is related to screenwriting:

Novels published – I have five non-fiction books published
Producer or director experience – Producer, “The Girl At The End Of The World”
Experience working with agencies, production companies, film festivals, etc..

LESSON 2 PART B

Lisa’s LinkedIn Profile is Amazing!

What I learned doing this lesson is how to boost my credibility with some simple, yet, effective changes.

Based on the examples in this lesson, I was able to elevate my credibility on LinkedIn through changing my job title, updating my education, adding keywords and the correct industry, changing my profile image and header to better reflect myself as a screenwriter.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  Lisa Duffy.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Projects and Insights

The two projects I am bringing into this class are:

1. My completed pilot screenplay titled, “Streets Of Dreams” (I also have a second episode and a pitch bible to accompany it). I have no idea how much it costs to put out a season of TV episodes, so I’m going to guesstimate this will cost $5 million.

2. A concept for a feature-length with the working title, “A Girl Named Oanh.” I see this movie as in the vein of “Empire Of The Sun” and believe the budget would be about 30 million.

What I learned from the opening audio is that my goal from the very beginning is to get a movie made! That I should be a flexible team player who listens carefully and brings the producer’s vision to life, not my vision. And to remember that I am not the only creative person on the movie-making team.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  Lisa Duffy.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  Lisa Duffy.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa Duffy

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Lisa Duffy]

Hello! I’m Lisa Duffy and I’m in Charleston, SC. I’ve written a feature length script and a TV pilot/2nd episode/pitch bible. I’m working on a new movie script at the moment.

I’m very excited about this class because I’ll be learning how to put all the knowledge I’ve received from Hal and the screenwriting classes into action. I want to make 2023 my year to become a professional screenwriter.

Something unique about me? I’ve wanted to be a screenwriter for a long time, but let so many things get in the way of that. This summer, I received an unexpected gift of having 2 weeks in France by myself and I spent a lot of that time writing and being inspired. I committed to following this dream at that time and am very happy I did. Best wishes to all of you in this class!

[Lisa Duffy]

Hello, everyone! I don’t see a “Request to Exchange Scripts Here” forum as was noted in our final lesson, so I’m throwing my script out there for feedback. Anyone want to exchange scripts?

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Description

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is the importance of keeping your reader engaged – riveted to the page – through cleaning up unnecessary or boring descriptions. This was very helpful to me.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

DESCRIPTIONS THAT NEED FEEDBACK

I’ve always heard that a writer shouldn’t direct from the script, but in the two scene descriptions that follow, I felt it was important to give the reader some perspective. I would love to hear from my classmates if you think I did this correctly without adding direction.

1. A young man’s hand knocks on the regal front door of Clare’s beautiful home.

2. EXT. PHILADELPHIA MILLS MALL – DAY

Curled, shoulder-length blonde hair. A zipper that runs down the length of the ultra-tight pink dress. Hips that swish back and forth as long legs supported by high heeled-sandals click their way down the polished floors of the mall. It’s Crystal Cumbee, the same woman who struck up a conversation with Christian at the bar a few nights before, toting her clutch purse and a pink Victoria’s Secret bag dangling from her arm. She heads toward the mall’s double doorway and exits. Looking both ways, she steps off the curb and clicks her way through the parking lot heading for the charcoal gray Dodge Charger straight ahead.

Thanks so much for any feedback you can offer 🙂

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Amazing Opening Scene

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how incredibly important the opening scene is, so it must be the absolute best it can be. I love considering all the options to make this happen.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

SYNOPSIS OF THREE OTHER POSSIBLE SCENARIOS

I have worked on the teaser below for a very long time and feel this final version is the best it can be and expresses what the viewer needs to know in the best way. In my estimation, my opening scene (teaser) already encompasses seven out of the ten ways to make an opening scene fantastic, which are:

1. Instant Conflict Opening

2. Contrast Opening

4. The Setup/Twist Opening

6. The unique character

8. Plunge us deep into a unique world

9. Intriguing scene from another place in the movie (TV series)

10. The “trick” opening

The three that are left are:

3. The Shocking Opening

5. The VO that’s unusual

7. The action opening

Since this is a TV series that will continue on for many seasons, I don’t feel that “The Shocking Opening” works because I want to introduce the audience to the heroine, Clare. “The VO” changes the entire tone of the series, and I don’t want to do that. Finally, the action opening could work, but it wouldn’t convey Clare’s dream of being a global superstar.

I am excited about my teaser/opening scene, but I am open to and invite any thoughts/insights on other scenarios. One caveat: I am a screenwriter, not a lyricist. Please do not hold the lyrics against me 😉

TEASER

FADE IN

INT. L.A.’S SOFI STADIUM – NIGHT

A young, twenty-something couple is sharing a long, wildly passionate kiss. They are so close, holding each other so tight, they are almost one person as the girl wraps her legs around the guy’s waist. Their kiss begins to slow down, their eyes open and lips unlock. They smile, gradually re-entering the chaotic world that surrounds them. They’re two people sandwiched between thousands of screaming fans on the Los Angeles SoFi Stadium floor. As they come up for air, they join the screaming chants.

CONCERT CROWD

A-RI-A! A-RI-A! A-RI-A!

CONCERT GIRL

I can’t believe it, babe!! This is so incredible!! Thank you so much for getting tickets to Aria’s concert!!

CONCERT GUY

Happy birthday, babe!

She hops up on his shoulders as he bends down and hoists her up above the crowd.

SUPER: SOFI STADIUM LOS ANGELES, CA

The stadium is jammed to capacity and charged with intense energy because tonight is the event millions have been waiting for… the sold-out debut tour of recording mega-star, Aria. Aria is beloved not only for her incredible voice and musical talent but for her personal journey to stardom, a story unlike any other.

The stadium is aglow in the dark with thousands of cell phone lights and TV cameras around the arena waiting for their cue. The stage footlights flicker, signaling that the show is about to start and the excited buzz turns into applause and cheers with wild anticipation. A bright spotlight hits center stage like a lightning bolt and the crowd goes wild.

CONCERT CROWD

A-RI-A! A-RI-A! A-RI-A! A-RI-A! A-RI-A! A-RI-A!

Then appears an incredible surprise for the audience as the one and only HARRY STYLES steps into the spotlight. Glittery, feathery, dripping with charisma, he raises his arms high and wide, welcoming the audience. The crowd loses it. He bows and places his hands over his heart. He throws kisses to the screaming audience and grabs the microphone.

HARRY STYLES

You weren’t expecting me, were you?

He laughs as the audience explodes with excitement, a million fans screaming “HAR-RY! HAR-RY!”

HARRY STYLES

Thank you! You guys are amazing!

A tidal wave of cheers and screams crashes over the stage, drowning out his voice. He holds his finger up to his lips in an effort to quiet the audience down.

HARRY STYLES

I want to tell you a secret.

Again, the gigantic wave of noise crashes over the stage, but Harry waits, holding his finger up to his lips again.

HARRY STYLES

I’m here tonight because I wanted to be the one to introduce you to this incredible woman, this goddess with the golden voice.

The crowd roars with excitement.

HARRY STYLES

She’s my good friend, an amazing artist, and SHE! IS! A SURVIVOR!

He raises his fist above his head triumphantly as they all raise their fists high and scream.

HARRY STYLES

This woman has rocked my world, and now she’s going to rock yours! Please welcome for the first time anywhere… ARIA!!

Insanity grips the crowd as Harry walks off the stage and a golden-pink spotlight center-stage illuminates the glittering megastar, ARIA, 21, posing atop a slowly rising, slowly rotating pillar center stage.

A deep base beat begins pounding and the stage is engulfed in pink and gold lights. Aria’s beautiful face sparkles in the spotlight and her body is surrounded by a halo of golden mist. She takes a deep, slow breath and begins to sing her hit song, “Fire of Love.”

ARIA

(singing)

Intoxicate me

Purify me

Revolutionize me

Fire of love

Aria steps down from the pillar as she sings and stands with her high-heeled feet spread out firmly in a warrior stance. The crowd goes crazy as her voice rings across the stadium like a siren.

ARIA

(singing)

I can do anything

I’ll overcome anything

Death has no power here

Driven by the fire of love

Aria saunters over to her beloved fans at the edge of the stage, swaying with the music as she bends down to touch their outstretched hands. She walks the length of the stage smiling, singing, touching hands. She is living her dream.

A fan at the edge of the stage suddenly reaches for Aria’s foot, grabs her ankle and holds fast. Dangerously close to tripping, Aria steadies herself and looks down at the fan. WHAT?? Who IS this? A nasty old woman. Wild eyes. No teeth. This horrible troll grabs hard, screaming and trying to yank off her shoe.

NASTY OLD WOMAN

Shoes! Give me your shoes! I need your shoes!

Aria teeters in her high heels with horror. She looks up hoping someone will come to her rescue, but no one seems to notice. In fact, the massive sea of fans is fading away. Hopping on one foot, she yanks her other foot out of the disgusting woman’s clutches and steadies herself. Then, reality hits. Gone are her gorgeous outfit and glittery high heels, replaced by a pair of dirty stretch pants, t-shirt, and beaten-up tennis shoes. No more Harry Styles; no more concert. She awakes from her daydream of superstardom.

REVEAL: Homeless orphan, CLARE DAMIANO AKA ARIA, 17, steps over the nasty old woman lying on the sidewalk under a dirty tarp and continues walking down Venice Boulevard looking more like the walking dead than a Billboard 100 diva.

It’s dusk in Santa Monica. The last rays of the sun will soon be gone and give way to another night of frantic survival on the streets. Clare must make it back to her shelter as soon as possible.

END TEASER

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Amazing 3^rd Act

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is… I found this assignment difficult to apply 100% to a TV pilot because all the loose ends are not tied up by the 4^th act and the story is meant to continue. I am open to advice on how to better apply, and I did the best I could. However, it was still helpful with respect to having key checkpoints in each act and elevating the quality through those checkpoints.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

DESCRIPTION:

The setups for the ending contained in Acts One and Two are primarily planting seeds of doubt that Christian Santiago is conducting himself with transparency and integrity, and the gradual revelations that Margaret, someone who should be caring and compassionate, despises her niece, Clare, and is emotionally abusing her.

THE BEATS OF THE SCENE:

INT. THE CORNER POCKET – NIGHT

Christian sits by himself at the bar. An older woman, a “cougar”, seats herself one chair over from Christian and tries to flirt with him. He resists at first, but then warms up to her. Their conversation, muted by the sound of the margarita blender, looks suspicious.

EXT. SANTIAGO HOUSE – NIGHT

Christian arrives home to his sleep-deprived, “new mom” wife holding him at gunpoint, accusing him of cheating on her. He denies it completely and they argue, which ends with Christian sending her to bed to get some sleep. He watches the evening news report at the site of the Damiano’s tragedy.

INT. DIVINE MERCY HOSPITAL – DAY

Margaret and Dr. Bartolomeo clash over Clare’s treatment. Margaret reveals her reluctance and disdain for fulfilling her legal obligation to be Clare’s legal guardian and caretaker, and makes the bold suggestion they send Clare to a mental institution.

INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY

Margaret takes her first step into emotionally abusing Clare when she brings her home, dumps her in a guestroom, and leaves her on her own without so much as setting basic expectations.

INT. CLARE’S ROOM – NIGHT

Clare is reunited with her long-lost cousin, Blake, who is much more sympathetic to Clare about her situation, but still rather callous and removed.

EXT. PARK – DAY

Unbeknownst to Jayna, someone in the bushes is photographing her and the baby as they stroll through the park.

INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY

Natalie, Clare’s best friend, arrives to visit Clare. Their conversation results begins with Clare sharing her struggle to want to live, and results in Clare singing her sorrows out at Margaret’s grand piano while Natalie live broadcasts it on Tiktok. Margaret and Phillip come home and ruin the whole thing.

EXT. KENNEDY BACKYARD – DAY

Clare and Natalie wrap up their long, heavy, emotional day. Clare’s video is going viral on the internet, which offers her hope and she promises to make an effort to go on.

After checking this act against the 7 Rules, I feel my Act Three is strong and provides good setups for my ending.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Most Memorable Scenes

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is… again, the value and importance of pushing myself to think outside the box and be open to new possibilities for my characters and story.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

SCENE:

INT. – PHILLY POLICE DEPARTMENT MEN’S ROOM – DAY

Dark, smoldering eyes stare with self-loathing at their reflection in the mirror; a drop of sweat trickles down the smooth, tan forehead. It is a moment of extreme stress for newly-deigned Lead PI CHRISTIAN SANTIAGO, 28, a Columbian-born Chris Hemsworth. Raven hair. Searing blue eyes. His gladiator physique bulging through his crisp white dress shirt and tasteful blue tie.

His phone vibrates on the counter of the empty men’s room. He hangs his head with a sigh, then picks up the phone and reads a new text:

215-633-0101

You’re on. Don’t disappoint.

Christian sets the phone down and looks at his watch.

CHRISTIAN

And so it begins.

He fumbles a prescription bottle of Xanax from his pocket, administers a dose and swallows. Grabbing his jacket draped over a stall door, flings it over his shoulder and takes one last look at himself in the mirror.

CHRISTIAN

(standing tall)

You da man!

He walks out.

LINE TO BE TRANSFORMED:

You da man!

CLEAR MEANING BEHIND THE LINE:

Originally, the line was meant to reveal his efforts to pump up his attitude, but in doing this exercise, I think it’s more interesting for the line to reveal how much he hates himself for what he’s become.

12 DIFFERENT WAYS TO SAY IT:

Congrats, man. You’re one of the bad guys, now.

You always wanted to be on the dark side. Congrats, man.

I always wanted to be a shill when I grew up.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the biggest liar of them all?

I am the danger.

You handsome shill, you.

Lying looks good on you, man.

You’re an expert in lying, man. You got this.

Welcome to the dark side.

You’re not who I thought you’d be.

Too late to turn back now, man. Get out there and do it.

I hate you.

NEW LINE:

I always wanted to be a shill when I grew up.

I felt this expressed his feeling with a good dose of sarcasm, and was the least clichéd version.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa loves separating character dialogue!

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is a great exercise that elevates the quality of your character’s dialogue using their character profile. I struggle a lot with trying to create good dialogue. I learned a lot from this exercise.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

CHARACTER PROFILE FOR MARGARET KENNEDY (not my lead, but the one who’s dialogue was most lacking).

Role: Clare’s aunt

Core Character Traits: Manipulative, condescending, resentful, calculating, sarcastic, self-serving.

Character Subtext Logline: Margaret is only out for her own gain. She views relationships as tools for her to use and if you are not a useful tool, you are doomed to her cruelty.
Secret: Her behavior is motivated by the shame and anger of being outed as a cheater by her brother, Thomas, in front of her husband and family.

DIALOGUE CHANGES

1. Clare is unreachable. Margaret looks at the others for assistance.

MARGARET

Before: This is terrible.

After: She looks completely out of her mind.

2. NURSE

I’m sorry, ma’am, but visitation hours haven’t started, yet. You’ll have to wait out there.

MARGARET

Before: I’m not a visitor, I’m Clare’s aunt, and I’m here to meet Dr. Bartolomeo.

After: I think it’s stellar that you follow hospital regulations to the absolute letter. Good

for you.

3. DR. BARTOLOMEO

Good morning, Mrs. Kennedy, thank you for coming in. No Mr. Kennedy this morning?

MARGARET

Before: He’s at work. What seems to be the problem, doctor?

After: The man’s a workaholic, what can I say. What seems to be the problem, doctor?

4. DR. BARTOLOMEO

We are preventing her from dealing with her personal crisis, one that will not go away no matter how long we keep her sedated.

MARGARET

Before: But doctor…

After: I wonder how Clare would feel about this…

5. MARGARET

Before: You can stay in here for now.

After: This is our best guest room. Carmela took the time to carefully clean it. Please be

respectful of that.

6. MARGARET

Before: There’s toothpaste and pretty much whatever you need in the bathroom. I’ll

leave you alone so you can get settled.

After: Whatever else you need is in the bathroom. I’ll let you get settled.

7. MARGARET

Before: Well, that was… interesting.

After: So. What can the Ice Queen get you for dinner?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  Lisa Duffy.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Dramatic Scene Transitions

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how surprising it is to see how much my screenplay can improve with these simple, but effective transition ideas. I literally didn’t realize a well-executed transition could make such a big difference in the reading of the script. Very grateful for this exercise.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

ORIGINAL SCENE TRANSITION:

(Posting only the end and beginning of the scene to show the transition)

INT. DAMIANO HOME FOYER – NIGHT

CLARE

We’ll be back in a few hours.

THOMAS

Aaron?

AARON

Sir?

THOMAS

Make sure she’s walking through that door at ten o’clock.

AARON

Yes, sir.

The young couple walks out and closes the front door behind them. Katrina hugs Thomas around his waist.

KATRINA

He’s a nice kid.

THOMAS

I’m keeping my eye on him.

KATRINA

I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Judge Damiano. Now, how about a glass of wine?

They turn around and walk down the hall back into the kitchen.

THOMAS

Best suggestion I’ve heard all day.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET – NIGHT

Several miles away, Aaron’s immaculately preserved 1989 silver BMW 325iS races around a corner and parks on an empty cul-de-sac of vacant lots. He turns the car off.

INT. BACK SEAT OF AARON’S BMW – NIGHT

Aaron and Clare are passionately making out in the backseat of Aaron’s BMW. The windows begin to steam up as Aaron’s hand slowly slides down her waist to her leg and finds its way under her skirt. Her eyes pop open.

NEW SCENE TRANSITION – REVEAL:

CLARE

We’ll be back in a few hours.

THOMAS

Aaron?

AARON

Sir?

THOMAS

Make sure she’s walking through that door at ten o’clock.

AARON

Yes, sir.

The young couple walks out and closes the front door behind them. Katrina hugs Thomas around his waist.

KATRINA

He’s a nice kid.

THOMAS

I’m keeping my eye on him.

KATRINA

I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Judge Damiano. But, I wouldn’t worry. The coffee shop is the perfect place for a fun, innocent date. I’m sure we can trust them.

INT. BACK SEAT OF AARON’S BMW – NIGHT

Aaron and Clare are passionately making out in the backseat of Aaron’s BMW. The windows begin to steam up as Aaron’s hand slowly slides down her waist to her leg and finds its way up under her skirt. Her eyes pop open.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Elevated Scene Structures

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how trying different scene structures can really make a big difference in the entertainment value of a scene, and bring more suspense/humor/drama, etc. to the overall story.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

ORIGINAL SCENE

EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY

A blackened skeleton is all that remains of the stately home that once stood in its place. Neighboring houses have sustained a lot of exterior damage, which is also being inspected. The ground still smolders and police tape is everywhere. Neighbors stand around shaking their heads and gawking at the devastating scene.

The fire chief and his team along with the local police are crawling the footprint of the house. One of them finds Hannah’s melted cell phone next to what used to be a door jam. Some of the crew collect pieces of the Damiano’s life that were propelled by the explosion into neighboring yards. An older woman hands a men’s dress shoe to a fireman who drops it into a plastic bag.

Christian pulls up to the scene in his charcoal gray Chevy Charger and flashes his badge at the cops blocking entry. He parks and gets out, stepping on the charred remains of a toy Star Wars light sabre. He snaps pictures of the scene with his phone as he walks over to where the house was, then starts typing a text message.

MACK

Detective?

Christian whips around to find the rugged, crusty MACK PORTER, 56, Philadelphia Fire Chief. He pockets his phone and holds out his hand.

CHRISTIAN

Chief. Detective Santiago.

They shake hands.

MACK

Santiago. I’ve heard about you. Hammond’s pet PI.

CHRISTIAN

Don’t believe everything you hear. So, whadda we got here?

MACK

Most likely started in the basement. Gas line leak. Water heater.

Firemen inspect the pit that used to be the basement.

CHRISTIAN

An entire family gone, just like that, man. That’s insane.

MACK

Almost the entire family. One of them survived. One of the kids, I believe.

CHRISTIAN

Heard that rumor… You know which one?

MACK

Pretty sure it was the oldest. Check with the hospital.

CHRISTIAN

So, you calling this an accident? Or do you think someone deliberately targeted Judge Damiano?

Mack spits on the ground.

MACK

It may indeed have been arson, son, but let’s leave speculation to the news anchors for now. We need to finish our job before we label it a homicide.

CHRISTIAN

Right.

MACK

I appreciate your sincerity, Santiago, but we’re not quite ready for your questions. There’s probably another crime scene down the road with your name on it. You’ll have my report this afternoon.

CHRISTIAN

So, to be clear, you are officially calling it a crime scene?

MACK

Tell Hammond he’ll have my report this afternoon.

Dismissed, Christian returns to his car and continues with his text. “99%”. He attaches the pics of the scene and hits “send.”

SCENE COMPONENTS

1. Hint at the fact that Christian is not operating with integrity/honesty and that he’s involved with someone compelling him to be this way.

2. Reveal scope of damage from explosion to add to our sympathy for Clare.

3. Establish conflict between Christian and Mack Porter.

POSSIBLE SCENE STRUCTURES

1. Twist

2. Competitive Agendas

3. Investigation/Hiding

SCENE REWRITE – COMPETITIVE AGENDAS STRUCTURE

EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY

A blackened skeleton is all that remains of the stately home that once stood in its place. Neighboring houses have sustained a lot of exterior damage, which is also being inspected. The thick smoke rises in curly black vapors as the ground smolders. Police tape is everywhere. Neighbors stand around, some still in their pajamas, shaking their heads and gawking at the devastating scene.

The fire chief, rugged, crusty MACK PORTER, 56, and his team along with the local police are crawling the footprint of the house. One of them picks up Hannah’s melted cell phone next to what used to be a door jam. Some of the crew collect pieces of the Damiano’s life that were propelled by the explosion into neighboring yards. An older woman hands a men’s dress shoe to a fireman who drops it into a plastic bag.

Christian pulls up to the scene in his charcoal gray Chevy Charger and flashes his badge at the cops blocking entry. He parks and gets out, stepping on the charred remains of a toy Star Wars light sabre. He begins snapping pictures of the scene with his phone as he walks over to where the house was.

He inspects the evidence table piled with plastic bags containing debris collected from the site. He begins typing a text message that is interrupted by a voice directly behind him.

MACK PORTER

Detective?

Christian whips around and pockets his phone as he holds out his hand.

CHRISTIAN

Chief. Detective Santiago.

They shake hands.

MACK

Santiago. I’ve heard about you. Hammond’s pet PI.

CHRISTIAN

Buncha crap. So, whadda we got here?

MACK

Explosion and fire. Looks like it started in the basement. Possibly a gas line leak.

They climb down what’s left of the staircase that leads into what used to be the basement. Christian slaps soot off his suit jacket as he follows Mack.

CHRISTIAN

An entire family gone, just like that. That’s insane.

MACK

Almost the entire family. One of them survived. One of the kids, I believe.

CHRISTIAN

Heard that rumor… You know which one?

MACK

No idea. Check with the hospital.

Mack bends down and inspects the utility line, pointing his finger at a crater in the cement floor.

MACK

See this here… that’s likely the point of combustion.

CHRISTIAN

Interesting.

MACK

The question is, what made it combust?

Christian points to the charred, shriveled cannister that used to be the water heater.

CHRISTIAN

Looks like your culprit right there. Sounds to me like a very unfortunate accident.

MACK

It was a natural gas water heater, so, you may be correct. But, we’re collecting debris for testing to see if there were any accelerants.

Christian puts on his sunglasses to hide his alarm.

CHRISTIAN

Accelerants? Seems pretty cut and dried to me.

Mack spits on the ground and looks suspiciously at Christian.

MACK

That’s a fairly elementary perspective for a lead PI.

CHRISTIAN

So, you think someone deliberately targeted Judge Damiano?

MACK

What do you know about Judge Damiano?

Christian laughs nervously.

CHRISTIAN

Aren’t all judges targets to one degree or another? I mean, c’mon.

He starts walking back up the mangled stairs. Mack stares after him, silently noting Christian’s awkward exit.

MACK

Never thought about it that way. But I’d be interested to hear any thoughts you might have on that one.

CHRISTIAN

Looking forward to that report. End of day?

MACK

We’ll be in touch.

Christian returns to his car and continues with his text. “99%”. He attaches the pics of the scene and hits “send.”

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Meaningful Action

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how meaningful action is just as important as dialogue. This scene takes place inside Clare’s hospital room, so the space is small and very contained, which doesn’t leave a ton of room for super dramatic action. I felt the action I added was the most expressive of the scene’s emotions without being unrealistic.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

The deepest meaning of this scene is the anger and frustration both Margaret and Dr. Bartolomeo are feeling; Margaret, because she doesn’t want to be responsible for Clare and Dr. Bartolomeo, because he does not understand Margaret’s clear and undeniable rejection of her family duty.

SCENE

INT. DIVINE MERCY HOSPITAL – DAY

Beep. Beep. Beep. The heart monitor machine emits its steady cadence as Clare lays unconscious in the dark hospital room, directly across from the nurse’s station. They’re entering day three of suicide watch. Down the hall, the waiting room is still crammed with cameras and journalists waiting for a crack at some news from the doctors.

A hefty older nurse comes in Clare’s room to check the bag hanging from the IV stand dispensing sedatives and take Clare’s vitals. The door to the room quietly opens and Margaret slips inside the room and stands in the corner.

NURSE CASSIE

I’m sorry, ma’am, but visitation hours haven’t started, yet.

MARGARET

I’m not visiting, dear, I’m Clare’s aunt and I am meeting with Dr. Bartolomeo.

NURSE CASSIE

You’ll still need to wait out there.

Margaret stares blankly at the nurse for a moment, then clears her throat as she pulls out her iPhone, willfully ignoring her.

NURSE CASSIE

Excuse me, ma’am, but you’re–

Dr. Bartolomeo abruptly enters the room and holds the door open for Cassie to exit.

DR. BARTOLOMEO

Thank you, Cassie.

Cassie rolls her eyes as she obeys and exits. Margaret slips her phone into her jacket pocket.

DR. BARTOLOMEO

Good morning, Mrs. Kennedy, thank you for coming in.

MARGARET

What seems to be the problem, doctor?

Dr. Bartolomeo sits down on the bed next to Clare and takes out his pen flashlight, opening Clare’s left eyelid and shining the light to get a look inside. He repeats with the right eye, then puts the flashlight away.

DR. BARTOLOMEO

Well, as you can see, Mrs. Kennedy, Clare has been sedated the last few days as you requested. However, we cannot keep her this way.

MARGARET

Well, why on earth not? I think a few more days would be good for her. We’re preventing her from doing herself harm.

DR. BARTOLOMEO

We are preventing her from dealing with her personal crisis.

MARGARET

Dr. Bartolomeo–

DR. BARTOLOMEO

She is a healthy girl, Mrs. Kennedy. This is not good for her and I will not authorize any further sedations or hospital time. We have to discharge her.

Margaret takes a deep breath and paces a few steps back and forth.

MARGARET

Well, then what do you suggest I do with her?

Dr. Bartolomeo bends forward in utter confusion, tightly clasping his hands together.

DR. BARTOLOMEO

I suggest you take her home and care for her, Mrs. Kennedy. She’s been through hell and she’s got a long road ahead. She’s going to need all the family she has left to help her through this. Does she have any cousins her age?

MARGARET

My son lives at home, but he’s not around.

Dr. Bartelomeo walks to the sink and washes his hands. He grabs some paper towels and stares in disbelief at Margaret as he dries his hands. He tosses the wadded paper in the trash.

DR. BARTOLOMEO

Mrs. Kennedy, I’m not sure what it’s like in your family, but most people I know would surround someone like Clare with love and support. Is this something your family is capable of doing for her?

Margaret shifts down a few gears and softens her voice, feigning concern.

MARGARET

Well, of course, doctor. I’m just not convinced we are equipped to give her everything she’s going to need. What about a mental health facility?

Dr. Bartolomeo touches his forehead with his hand and then holds it out with sarcastic disbelief.

DR. BARTOLOMEO

Are you afraid of something, Mrs. Kennedy? I don’t understand your hesitation to bring her home.

The air is full of awkwardness.

MARGARET

(feigning concern)

Dr. Bartolomeo, I just worry that she might do something drastic… like kill herself. I worry that she can’t handle the reality of what’s happened.

DR. BARTOLOMEO

She’s lost her parents and her siblings, so, of course it’s not going to be easy. But, before we commit her to some institution and deprive her of any possibility of a normal life, you should make every attempt to help her through this horrific time. She needs you, Mrs. Kennedy.

Margaret’s eyes narrow as she stands silent, like a stone pillar.

DR. BARTOLOMEO

We will refer you, of course, to counseling services, but it’s imperative for her to be with her family right now. At least for the next twelve months.

Margaret winces at the suggested time frame, but knows she has no other option.

MARGARET

I understand. We will do what we can to take care of her.

DR. BARTOLOMEO

Good. I will send a nurse in with the discharge paperwork and a referral for you. I’ve already halted the dispensation of the sedative so she should be waking within a few hours. Good day.

Doctor Bartolomeo exits the room and Margaret stands alone at the foot of the bed, glaring angrily at Clare. Beep. Beep. Beep.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Elevated Story Beats

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is if you know the right questions to ask and take the time to explore the possibilities they present, they can be the keys that unlock the door to a much better story.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

Beats to improve:

11. EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY

Original purpose of the scene: To add intrigue, mystery, and the first big setup for Christian Santiago’s character.

New Purpose of the scene: Same.

Original beat: Fire and police crews crawl the smoldering ruins of the Damiano home. Christian arrives to make an assessment, but really to make sure the job was done right. He chats with fire chief Mack Porter and gets ahead of himself by asserting the event was an act of revenge. Porter sends him on his way and as he leaves, he texts 99% to the unknown caller from earlier.

New beat: The beat itself will not change but will be set up more deliberately/effectively in a previous scene.

21. INT. KENNEDY BACKYARD POOL – NIGHT

Original purpose of the scene: To move the story forward and set up the final scene.

New Purpose of the scene: To create a new setup that will be paid off in a future episode.

Original beat: Clare and Natalie wrap up their emotional visit by the pool as Clare tells her the only way she can move forward is to do everything she can to forget the events of her family’s death.

New beat: As Clare and Natalie wrap up their emotional visit by the pool, they marvel at the incredible response her song has garnered on TikTok and how this success should be used. Clare admits that at the very least, it has given her a sense of hope.

26. INT. KENNEDY HOME – NIGHT

Original purpose of the scene: To move Aaron out of the story as a character and to create a cliff hanger for the next episode.

New Purpose of the scene: To add intrigue to the story and create a cliff hanger for the next episode.

Original beat: Aaron comes over to visit Clare who tells him the only way she can move forward is to forget everything about the night her family died. Everything. He gets the hint and bows out of the picture.

New beat: Aaron comes over to visit Clare and they discuss him taking her away from the Kennedy’s (legal or not). Margaret eavesdrops on their conversation from around the corner and obviously has something up her sleeve.

New Beat Sheet

TEASER

INT. L.A.’S SOFI STADIUM – NIGHT

Aria’s (AKA Clare Damiano) first live concert – introduced by a major recording star – Reveal: daydream escape from her real life of homelessness.

ACT ONE

1. INT. CLARE DAMIANO’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clare sings as she gets ready for her date.

2. EXT. DAMIANO’S HOME – NIGHT

Aaron Forsyth arrives for his date with Clare and encounters the rest of the family. Clare is flying high from winning Philadelphia’s Rising Stars Talent Competition earlier that day.

3. INT. BACK SEAT OF AARON’S BMW – NIGHT

Aaron and Clare are passionately making out. They discuss the possibility of her moving to L.A. to get discovered. A massive explosion occurs nearby. They drive away to find out what’s happened.

4. EXT. DAMIANO HOUSE – NIGHT

Aaron and Clare arrive to find her house blown to smithereens.

5. INT. DIVINE MERCY HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Clare, Aaron, Aaron’s parents, and Clare’s aunt and uncle, Margaret and Phillip Kennedy wait for word on any survivors. Dr. Bartolomeo and his team break the bad news – no one survived. Clare falls apart and they keep her overnight on suicide watch.

ACT TWO

6. INT. – PHILLY POLICE DEPARTMENT MEN’S ROOM – DAY

PI Christian Santiago is doing his best to pump up his self-loathing attitude before he is announced as new Lead PI. A text from an unknown sender makes this difficult to achieve.

7. INT. – PD ROLL CALL ROOM – DAY

The women cops in the room are extremely happy that Christian has joined the team. After being introduced by the Sgt. Hammond, Christian makes a brief speech. As the group breaks and files out, one of the officers comes on to him.

8. INT. AARON’S ROOM – DAY

Aaron is unable to calm down. He drives down to Clare’s house and calls Clare’s best friend to tell her what’s happened. She calls her entire group of friends and they all meet him at the ruins of Clare’s house, consoling each other.

9. INT. NATALIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Aaron calls Natalie and breaks the news of the explosion.

10. EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY

Aaron, Natalie, and their crowd of friends huddle together at the site of the explosion mourning Clare’s loss.

11. EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY

Fire and police crews crawl the smoldering ruins of the Damiano home. Christian arrives to make an assessment, but really to make sure the job was done right. He chats with fire chief Mack Porter and gets ahead of himself by asserting the event was an act of revenge. Porter sends him on his way and as he leaves, he texts 99% to the unknown caller from earlier.

12. INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM – DAY

Aaron has been waiting patiently to see Clare along with dozens of news reporters and camera operators. Natalie arrives with at least thirty other students with balloons, stuffed animals, etc. but the reception nurse tells them to go home because they can’t visit Clare until her aunt and uncle do. The media enjoys the fireworks and get it all on video to broadcast on the evening news. Margaret and Phillip arrive and are accosted by the media.

13. INT. NURSES STATION AT SUICIDE WATCH ROOM – DAY

A steady trickle of students, one-at-a-time, lay down their flowers, stuffed animals, etc. outside the transparent walls of Clare’s room. Clare is in a deep sleep, having a nightmare.

DREAM SEQUENCE

Clare dreams of her performance at the talent competition, but it ends with a fire consuming the auditorium and losing her family. Clare awakens with fright. She sees the love her friends are showing for her. The nurse puts her back to sleep with a sedative.

ACT THREE

15. INT. THE CORNER POCKET – NIGHT

Christian sits at the bar sipping a bourbon. A middle-aged woman comes in, sits next to him and orders a frozen margarita. She strikes up a conversation with Christian but the noise from the blender prevents us from hearing their conversation.

16. EXT. SANTIAGO HOUSE – NIGHT

Christian comes home to the gun of a barrel placed on the back of his head. It’s his wife, Jayna, accusing him of cheating on her, which he firmly denies. The eleven o’clock news reveals who the surviving family member is and Christian gets a cryptic text about a meeting on Tuesday.

17. INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL – DAY

Margaret meets with Dr. Bartholomeo who states he will not administer any more sedative to keep Clare asleep and that she must be taken home so she can begin the healing process. Margaret reluctantly agrees to take her home.

18. INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY

Margaret shows Clare the guestroom, then leaves her all alone.

19. INT. CLARE’S ROOM – NIGHT

Clare has slept for many hours and is awakened by her cousin, Blake. Margaret and Phillip have left for a dinner engagement so Blake and Clare commiserate over a grilled cheese sandwich.

20. EXT. NEWTON SPRINGS PARK – DAY

Jayna is strolling with the baby and is being photographed by a stranger, unbeknownst to her.

21. INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY

Almost noon and Clare doesn’t have the will to get out of bed. Natalie drives two hours to visit Clare. They reunite and Clare admits she doesn’t have the will to live. Natalie encourages her to be positive, to use her gift of music and talented voice to motivate her to keep going. Reluctantly, Clare plays a song on the piano and sings while Natalie live streams it on TikTok without telling her. The response is explosive. Margaret and Phillip arrive home to ruin everything.

22. INT. KENNEDY BACKYARD POOL – NIGHT

As Clare and Natalie wrap up their emotional visit by the pool, they marvel at the incredible response her song has garnered on TikTok and how this success should be used. Clare admits that at the very least, it has given her a sense of hope.

ACT FOUR

23. EXT. CEMETERY – DAY

Clare eulogizes her family members at their funeral.

24. EXT. PHILADELPHIA MILLS MALL – DAY

The same woman who struck up a conversation with Christian at the bar, Crystal Cumbee, walks out of the mall and gets into Christian’s car. They drive off together.

25. EXT. RIVERSIDE CORRECTIONAL FACILITY (RCF) – DAY

Christian and Crystal arrive at the prison/ Crystal goes inside and Christian drives away.

26. INT. PRISON RECEPTION AREA – DAY

Crystal is scanned and searched.

27. INT. CONJUGAL VISIT ROOM – DAY

Crystal enters the room where a bald inmate sits waiting. It’s former police chief Roy Nagle.

28. INT. KENNEDY HOME – NIGHT

Aaron comes over to visit Clare and they discuss him taking her away from the Kennedy’s (legal or not). Margaret eavesdrops on their conversation from around the corner and obviously has something up her sleeve.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Story Beats

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is the importance of looking at your script through the audience’s eyes.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

TEASER

INT. L.A.’S SOFI STADIUM – NIGHT – E10

Aria’s (AKA Clare Damiano) first live concert – introduced by a major recording star – Reveal: daydream escape from her real life of homelessness.

ACT ONE

1. INT. CLARE DAMIANO’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – E7

Clare sings as she gets ready for her date.

2. EXT. DAMIANO’S HOME – NIGHT – E7

Aaron Forsyth arrives for his date with Clare and encounters the rest of the family. Clare is flying high from winning Philadelphia’s Rising Stars Talent Competition earlier that day.

3. INT. BACK SEAT OF AARON’S BMW – NIGHT – E9

Aaron and Clare are passionately making out. They discuss the possibility of her moving to L.A. to get discovered. A massive explosion occurs nearby. They drive away to find out what’s happened.

4. EXT. DAMIANO HOUSE – NIGHT – E9

Aaron and Clare arrive to find her house blown to smithereens.

5. INT. DIVINE MERCY HOSPITAL – NIGHT – E7

Clare, Aaron, Aaron’s parents, and Clare’s aunt and uncle, Margaret and Phillip Kennedy wait for word on any survivors. Dr. Bartolomeo and his team break the bad news – no one survived. Clare falls apart and they keep her overnight on suicide watch.

ACT TWO

INT. – PHILLY POLICE DEPARTMENT MEN’S ROOM – DAY – E7

PI Christian Santiago is pumping up his attitude in front of the men’s room mirror before going into roll call and being announced as new lead investigator.

INT. – PD ROLL CALL ROOM – DAY – E7

The women cops in the room are extremely happy that Christian has joined the team. After being introduced by the Sgt. Hammond, Christian makes a brief speech. As the group breaks and files out, one of the officers comes on to him.

6. INT. AARON’S ROOM – DAY – E6

Aaron is unable to calm down. He drives down to Clare’s house and calls Clare’s best friend to tell her what’s happened. She calls her entire group of friends and they all meet him at the ruins of Clare’s house, consoling each other.

7. INT. NATALIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – E7

Aaron calls Natalie and breaks the news of the explosion.

8. EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY – E6

Aaron, Natalie, and their crowd of friends huddle together at the site of the explosion mourning Clare’s loss.

11. EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY – E6

Fire and police crews crawl the smoldering ruins of the Damiano home. Christian arrives to make an assessment, but really to make sure the job was done right. He chats with fire chief Mack Porter and gets ahead of himself by asserting the event was an act of revenge. Porter sends him on his way and as he leaves, he texts 99% to the unknown caller from earlier.

12. INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM – DAY – E9

Aaron has been waiting patiently to see Clare along with dozens of news reporters and camera operators. Natalie arrives with at least thirty other students with balloons, stuffed animals, etc. but the reception nurse tells them to go home because they can’t visit Clare until her aunt and uncle do. The media enjoys the fireworks and get it all on video to broadcast on the evening news. Margaret and Phillip arrive and are accosted by the media.

13. INT. NURSES STATION AT SUICIDE WATCH ROOM – DAY – E6

A steady trickle of students, one-at-a-time, lay down their flowers, stuffed animals, etc. outside the transparent walls of Clare’s room. Clare is in a deep sleep, having a nightmare.

DREAM SEQUENCE – E7

Clare dreams of her performance at the talent competition, but it ends with a fire consuming the auditorium and losing her family. Clare awakens with fright. She sees the love her friends are showing for her. The nurse puts her back to sleep with a sedative.

ACT THREE

14. INT. THE CORNER POCKET – NIGHT – E7

Christian sits at the bar sipping a bourbon. A middle-aged woman comes in, sits next to him and orders a frozen margarita. She strikes up a conversation with Christian but the noise from the blender prevents us from hearing their conversation.

15. EXT. SANTIAGO HOUSE – NIGHT – E7

Christian comes home to the gun of a barrel placed on the back of his head. It’s his wife, Jayna, accusing him of cheating on her, which he firmly denies. The eleven o’clock news reveals who the surviving family member is and Christian gets a cryptic text about a meeting on Tuesday.

16. INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL – DAY – E6

Margaret meets with Dr. Bartholomeo who states he will not administer any more sedative to keep Clare asleep and that she must be taken home so she can begin the healing process. Margaret reluctantly agrees to take her home.

17. INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY – E5

Margaret shows Clare the guestroom, then leaves her all alone.

18. INT. CLARE’S ROOM – NIGHT – E5

Clare has slept for many hours and is awakened by her cousin, Blake. Margaret and Phillip have left for a dinner engagement so Blake and Clare commiserate over a grilled cheese sandwich.

19. EXT. NEWTON SPRINGS PARK – DAY – E6

Jayna is strolling with the baby and is being photographed by a stranger, unbeknownst to her.

20. INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY – E9

Almost noon and Clare doesn’t have the will to get out of bed. Natalie drives two hours to visit Clare. They reunite and Clare admits she doesn’t have the will to live. Natalie encourages her to be positive, to use her gift of music and talented voice to motivate her to keep going. Reluctantly, Clare plays a song on the piano and sings while Natalie live streams it on TikTok without telling her. The response is explosive. Margaret and Phillip arrive home to ruin everything.

21. INT. KENNEDY BACKYARD POOL – NIGHT – E5

Clare speaks to Natalie over the phone, tells her the only way she can move forward is to do everything she can to forget the events of her family’s death.

ACT FOUR

22. EXT. CEMETERY – DAY – E6

Clare eulogizes her family members at their funeral.

23. EXT. PHILADELPHIA MILLS MALL – DAY – E7

The same woman who struck up a conversation with Christian at the bar, Crystal Cumbee, walks out of the mall and gets into Christian’s car. They drive off together.

24. EXT. RIVERSIDE CORRECTIONAL FACILITY (RCF) – DAY – E7

Christian and Crystal arrive at the prison/ Crystal goes inside and Christian drives away.

INT. PRISON RECEPTION AREA – DAY

Crystal is scanned and searched.

25. INT. CONJUGAL VISIT ROOM – DAY – E8

Crystal enters the room where a bald inmate sits waiting. It’s former police chief Roy Nagle.

26. INT. KENNEDY HOME – NIGHT – E5

Aaron comes over to visit Clare who tells him the only way she can move forward is to forget everything about the night her family died. Everything. He gets the hint and bows out of the picture.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Character Story Beats

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that even when you feel confident and content regarding a scene, it’s always best to remain open-minded about other ways to write it and entertain the possibilities.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

CLARE DAMIANO

Beats of Clare’s introduction

INT. CLARE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clare is in her room getting ready for her date with Aaron.

She sings as she daydreams about being a music industry diva.

As she leaves her room to go downstairs, she says, “Not today, Clare, but someday!”

INT. CLARE’S STAIRWWELL/FOYER – NIGHT

Clare proudly descends the staircase as if she were walking the red carpet at the Grammys.

She greets Aaron with a smile and takes his hand as her mother brags about her winning the Philadelphia Rising Stars Talent Show with her own original song.

Clare and Aaron leave on their date.

CHRISTIAN SANTIAGO

Beats of Christian’s introduction

INT. CHRISTIAN’S BASEMENT HOME GYM – NIGHT

Christian enters his home gym with self-loathing, hoping to pump up his attitude through working out.

He performs a grueling workout.

Workout complete, he administers two Xanax and removes his earbuds.

INT. CHRISTIAN’S BABY’S NURSERY – NIGHT

Alerted by a baby monitor, we see his strength contrasted with tenderness as he calms his infant son.

Change: Christian’s Intro to #3 Build the Character’s reputation.

New Beats

INT. PD MEN’S ROOM – DAY

Christian stares at his reflection in the mirror with angst. He administers 2 Xanax, takes a deep breath, and walks out.

INT. PD ROLL CALL ROOM – DAY

As he enters the roll call room, all females in the room take note.

Sgt. Derek Hammond begins roll call and announces Christian as the new lead PI for the Damiano case.

Christian makes a quick statement, then greets everyone as they leave the room, including a very enthusiastic female officer.

New Scene

INT. – PHILLY POLICE DEPARTMENT MEN’S ROOM – DAY

Dark, smoldering eyes stare into the mirror; a drop of sweat trickles down the forehead. It is a moment of extreme stress for CHRISTIAN SANTIAGO, 28, a Columbian-born Chris Hemsworth. Raven hair, searing blue eyes. Built like a Roman gladiator. Dressed in a suit and tie, he stares at his own reflection in the wall-length mirror with deep dissatisfaction.

He fumbles a prescription bottle of Xanax from his pocket and takes two, chasing them with a bottle of water. He straightens his tie, tousles his hair, and clears his throat.

CHRISTIAN

(standing tall)

I got this.

INT. – PD ROLL CALL ROOM – DAY

Chief of Police DEREK HAMMOND, solid, physically fit, pushing 60, addresses a large group of police men and women from the podium. Just a few more names to complete the roll call.

SGT. HAMMOND

Sherwood?

OFFICER SHERWOOD

Here.

SGT. HAMMOND

Smith?

OFFICER SMITH

Here.

SGT. HAMMOND

Williams?

OFFICER WILLIAMS

Here.

SGT. HAMMOND

Alright. Just a few announcements before we get on with our day. All eyes shift to the left of the room as Christian quietly enters and stands against the wall. A few of the women in the room look at each other with wide eyes, squelching their smiles.

SGT. HAMMOND

So, let’s talk about last night’s devastating event. At approximately 8:30pm, the house at 12 Cedar Lane in the Fairmount Park area exploded without warning and was completely consumed by fire. Fire Chief and his crew are still at the scene as we speak.

All personnel begin taking notes.

SGT. HAMMOND

This was the home of Pennsylvania State Supreme Court Justice, Thomas Damiano.

He pauses for a moment and swallows hard.

SGT. HAMMOND

Unfortunately, he and his family were at home at the time of the explosion and it is reported there were no survivors. There is, however, an unconfirmed rumor that one of the family members was not home at the time and is over at Sacred Heart Hospital. The staff have not yet made a statement confirming this, but I expect to hear something any time.

He looks over at Christian and nods.

SGT. HAMMOND

At this time, I’d like to introduce you to our new Lead PI who will be taking over this investigation.

The women sit up straight with delight as Christian walks over to the podium.

SGT. HAMMOND

Officer Christian Santiago has been on the force at the fourteenth precinct for five years. In that time, he has served the community with integrity and has earned both the John Edgar Hoover Memorial Award and the George Fencl Award. He will be leading the investigation into the Damiano family’s deaths.

Applause from the room as Christian steps to the podium.

CHRISTIAN

Thank you, Captain.

A few of the women are whispering to each other and smiling.

CHRISTIAN

I just wanted to say that I appreciate each one of you and the risks you take every day. I will be as forthcoming as possible with the details I discover and please don’t hesitate to reach out if you have information regarding the case. I look forward to working with you and if there is any way I can help you in your job, just let me know. Thanks.

More applause as he walks back to his spot by the wall.

SGT. HAMMOND

Alright, you’ve got your orders. Be safe out there, let’s make it a good day. As the room adjourns, the personnel shuffle past Christian with words of welcome and handshakes. A beautiful female officer, 30-something JULIE MATTHEWS holds out her hand for a shake as she passes by.

OFFICER MATTHEWS

(seductively smiling)

So glad you’re here.

Christian gives a brief handshake and looks to the next person passing by.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Character Story Beats

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is a brilliant way to elevate characters’ stories.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

(5 main characters of pilot episode)

CLARE DAMIANO

Character Profile

– Role: Lead female, heroine

– Core Character Traits: enthusiastic, intelligent, strong-willed, stubborn, obstinate, impatient

– Character Subtext Logline: Clare is an emotionally wounded teenage orphan chasing her

– Dream of stardom despite her great misfortune

– Her Mission: To become the next Adele

– Flaw: Clare’s stubbornness cans sometimes lead to her ignoring the plain truth or seeing

something for what it is, which results in making some bad choices.

Clare’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each

Beginning: Clare loses her family and her will to live.

Middle: Clare is sent to live with her aunt and uncle who despise her and push her to the edge, but Clare’s best friend, Natalie, helps her choose to let her dream of stardom be her reason to live.

End: Clare decides the only way to move forward is to forget what happened that night so she breaks up with her boyfriend.

Beats of her story — with broad strokes

– Clare is on a date with Aaron when her family’s home explodes and all other family members perish.

– She is admitted to the hospital under suicide watch and her aunt requests that she remain sedated for as long as possible; days.

– In her sedation, Clare has a horrible nightmare about the fate of her family and awakes to see an incredible show of love and care from her friends at school.

– The doctor refuses to continue sedation and Clare is sent to live with her aunt and uncle, Margaret and Phillip Kennedy, who despise her and make life at their home miserable.

– Clare reunites with her long lost cousin, Blake, who is casually compassionate toward her over a grilled cheese sandwich.

– Her best friend, Natalie, visits her and encourages her to let her goal of being a global megastar be her motivation to keep living, keep fighting.

– Clare eulogizes her family at their funeral and verbally makes a commitment to live well, follow her dream, and honor her family with her life.

– Clare sings her pain out on Margaret’s baby grand piano while Natalie live streams it on TikTok. Margaret comes home to disrupt the scene, but despite that, the video has gone viral.

– In an effort to find a way to start moving past her pain, Clare decides she must forget everything about that night, including Aaron, and breaks up with him.

One part of her story that could be improved

– Clare breaks up with Aaron. Although appropriately sentimental, I think it might be more interesting if Aaron gradually gravitates toward Natalie and they get together. It would put a twist on the whole “we’re her family now” aspect.

Tell us the improvement you are making to Clare’s story

– Instead of breaking up with Aaron, she will realize he is drifting away from her.

CHRISTIAN SANTIAGO

Character Profile

– Role: crime scene investigator, anti-hero

– Core Character Traits: intelligent, principled, sensitive, generous, melancholic, pessimistic, cynical, self-loathing

– Character Subtext Logline: Christian is a self-loathing man who started out with the best ofintentions but allowed himself to be coerced to the dark side.

– Secret: Christian does Nagle’s dirty work with great reluctance but under threat of ruin and destruction of his family.

– Mission/Agenda: To find a way to safely leave the police force and remain faithful to his wife.

Christian’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each

Beginning: Christian disguises his depression and low self-image through body building and being a police detective; flexing his “strengths.”

Middle: In the middle of an interrogation, an anonymous caller demands he drop what he’s doing and report for a different “job.”

End: Christian appears to be cheating on his wife, but it’s revealed that he is involved in some sort of coerced deception.

Beats of his story — with broad strokes

– Christian works out his anger and depression through bodybuilding in his basement gym. Alerted by a baby monitor, we see his strength contrasted with his tenderness as he calms his infant son.

– Christian is in the middle of an interrogation when he receives an anonymous call to drop what he’s doing and report to a different assignment.

– Christian shows up at the scene where the fire department and police are sifting through the remains of the ruins of Clare’s home. He’s sending cryptic texts to the unknown caller.

– Christian sits at the bar sipping a bourbon when a strange woman approaches him and strikes up a conversation. We can’t hear what they’re saying through the noise of the blender.

– Christian arrives home to his sleep-deprived wife, Jayna, who puts a gun to his head and accuses him of cheating. Christian swears his fidelity and divests her of the gun, sending her to bed. He watches the 11 o’clock news and discovers Clare’s name.

– Christian waits in the mall parking lot and is joined by the woman he met in the bar. They drive off together and end up at the Riverside Correctional Facility.

One part of his story that could be improved

– His conversation with the fire chief at the ruins of Clare’s home.

Tell us the improvement you are making to Christian’s story

– His dialogue needs to be less passive, more in line with his reputation as a hot shot.

MARGARET KENNEDY

Character Profile

– Role: Clare’s aunt

– Core Character Traits: Reserved, sensible, manipulative, cold, sarcastic, selfish

– Character Subtext Logline: Margaret is only out for her own gain. She views relationships as tools for her to use and if you are not a useful tool, you are doomed to her cruelty.

– Secret: She has an emotional wound from childhood that has made her the way she is.

Margaret’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each

Beginning: Margaret shows up to the hospital as next of kin, but is not good at showing care or emotion.

Middle: Margaret begrudgingly agrees to take Clare to live at her home.

End: Margaret demeans Clare and her best friend, Natalie, at a critical point.

Beats of her story — with broad strokes

– Margaret arrives at the hospital the night of the explosion and tries quite unsuccessfully to be of service.

– She meets with Dr. Bartolomeo who refuses to keep Clare sedated and insists that Margaret do her familial duty and take Clare home to live with her.

– Margaret brings Clare home and dumps her in the guest room.

– Margaret comes home to find Clare playing her baby grand while Natalie records it, and Margaret demeans the girls.

One part of her story that could be improved

Her reaction when she arrives home and finds Clare using her baby grand.

Tell us the improvement you are making to Margaret’s story

Right now her reaction is terse. A more interesting response would be a meltdown.

NATALIE HOFFMAN

Character Profile

– Role: Clare’s best friend

– Core Character Traits: Hot girl, loves to be the center of attention, smart, capricious, pandering

– Character Subtext Logline: Natalie has a good heart but is easily swayed by her own vanity and the respect of others, which often results in being disloyal.

– Flaw: Natalie is too easily swayed.

– Mission/Agenda: To be the one everyone else envies.

Character’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each

Beginning: Natalie is Aaron’s go to for moral support. She rallies her friends to go to Clare’s house and be with Aaron/witness the devastation.

Middle: Natalie creates a scene at the hospital when she and her friends are denied the chance to visit Clare. “We are her family now.”

End: Natalie drives two hours to visit with Clare and gives her reasons to not give up. She encourages her to sin out her pain and live-streams it all on TikTok

Beats of her story — with broad strokes

– Natalie receives the news of the explosion from Aaron late at night and spreads the news among her friends, encouraging them to join her and Aaron down at the scene.

– Natalie and about 20 other friends join Aaron at the remains of Clare’s home to witness the devastation.

– Natalie shows up at the hospital with a large group of friends from high school with balloons, flowers, cards, etc. to visit Clare. When refused visitation, she engages the media in the waiting room and causes a spectacle.

– After not being able to contact Clare by phone, Natalie drives the distance to Margaret’s home and shows up unannounced to see Clare. She encourages Clare to not give up through words and showing her the support she has from her community online. She encourages her to sing out her pain at the baby grand, then live streams it to TikTok, where the video goes viral.

One part of her story that could be improved

Natalie is a true friend, but what if she’s not so true?

Tell us the improvement you are making to Natalie’s story

She is secretly attracted to Aaron and uses the circumstances to get close to him.

AARON FORSYTH

Character Profile

– Role: Clare’s boyfriend

– Core Character Traits: Steadfast, friendly, outgoing, trustworthy, strong, leader, sanguine.

– Character Subtext Logline: Aaron wants a reliable, happy, normal life without disruptions.

Character’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each

Beginning: Aaron arrives at Clare’s house for their date.

Middle: Aaron is dismayed because he is denied visitation with Clare at the hospital.

End: Aaron recognizes that Clare is trying to break up with him and turns it around in a way that lets her off the hook.

Beats of his story — with broad strokes

– Aaron arrives at Clare’s house for their date and has a typical girlfriend’s father to boyfriend conversation.

– Instead of going where they told her parents they were going, they are parked on an empty street and are passionately making out.

– Aaron tries to reason with Clare about moving to Los Angeles to get discovered.

– He races her back to her house when the explosion happens.

– He waits with her at the hospital for news about her family.

– He cannot sleep and drives to Clare’s home. He calls Natalie to inform her of what happened.

– He waits for hours the next day to visit Clare but is refused.

One part of his story that could be improved

Aaron is a good guy so far. I think it would be interesting to make him not such a good guy.

Tell us the improvement you are making to Aaron’s story

Aaron has secretly been attracted to Natalie for some time and may have been using Clare to get to her. After the loss of Clare’s family, Aaron puts some distance between him and Clare and slowly shifts toward Natalie.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Lisa Duffy.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Lisa Duffy.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Character Profiles

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is defining character profiles is a powerful tool to use when writing strong subtext and dialogue.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

This includes main characters of pilot episode only.

CLARE DAMIANO

Role: Lead female, heroine

Core Character Traits: enthusiastic, intelligent, strong-willed, stubborn, obstinate, impatient

Character Subtext Logline: Clare is an emotionally wounded teenage orphan chasing her dream of stardom in spite of her great misfortune

Her Mission: To become the next Adele

Flaw: Clare’s stubbornness cans sometimes lead to her ignoring the plain truth or seeing something for what it is, which results in making some bad choices.

CHRISTIAN SANTIAGO

Role: crime scene investigator, anti-hero

Core Character Traits: intelligent, principled, sensitive, generous, melancholic, pessimistic, cynical, self-loathing

Character Subtext Logline: Christian is a self-loathing man who started out with the best of

intentions but allowed himself to be coerced to the dark side.

Secret: Christian lied on the witness stand under threat of ruin and destruction of his family.

Mission/Agenda: To find a way to safely leave the police force and remain faithful to his wife.

MARGARET KENNEDY

Role: Clare’s aunt

Core Character Traits: Reserved, sensible, manipulative, cold, sarcastic, selfish

Character Subtext Logline: Margaret is only out for her own gain. She views relationships as tools for her to use and if you are not a useful tool, you are doomed to her cruelty.
Secret: She has an emotional wound from childhood that has made her the way she is.

NATALIE HOFFMAN

Role: Clare’s best friend

Core Character Traits: Hot girl, loves to be the center of attention, smart, capricious, pandering

Character Subtext Logline: Natalie has a good heart but is easily swayed by her own vanity and the respect of others, which often results in being disloyal.
Flaw: Natalie is too easily swayed.

Mission/Agenda: To be the one everyone else envies.

AARON FORSYTH

Role: Clare’s boyfriend

Core Character Traits: Steadfast, friendly, outgoing, trustworthy, strong, leader, sanguine.

Character Subtext Logline: Aaron wants a reliable, happy, normal life without disruptions.

Secret: He finds Natalie extremely attractive.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa’s Story Beats

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is how to easily diagnose and correct story problems with a beat sheet. I only had time today to accomplish one beat rewrite, but I will continue the process as I write. It was perfect for the scene I was uncomfortable with in this episode.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

1. INT. CLARE DAMIANO’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Clare sings as she gets ready for her date.

2. EXT. LARGE BEAUTIFUL PORCH OF THE DAMIANO’S HOME – NIGHT

Aaron Forsyth arrives for his date with Clare and encounters the rest of the family. Clare is flying high from winning Philadelphia’s Rising Stars Talent Competition earlier that day.

3. INT. BACK SEAT OF AARON’S BMW – NIGHT

Aaron and Clare are passionately making out, but Clare puts on the brakes. They discuss the possibility of her moving to L.A. to get discovered. A massive explosion occurs nearby. They race away to find out what’s happened.

4. EXT. DAMIANO HOUSE – NIGHT

Aaron and Clare arrive to find her house blown to smithereens.

5. INT. DIVINE MERCY HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Clare, Aaron, Aaron’s parents, and Clare’s aunt and uncle, Margaret and Phillip Kennedy wait for word on any survivors. Dr. Barthelomeo and his team break the bad news – no one survived. Clare falls apart and they keep her overnight on suicide watch.

ACT TWO

6. INT. UNKNOWN GARAGE – NIGHT

Police detective Christian Santiago works out ferociously in his home garage gym trying to battle his demons and depression.

7. MONTAGE OF SHOTS

· Inserting his earbuds, Christian listens to power metal.

· He rows relentlessly on the rowing machine.

· He pushes himself to his limits completing a grueling set of upside-down pull ups.

· Does a brutal set of two hundred and fifty pound barbell.

· Performs back squats, hack squats, and dumbbell lunges in front of the wall mirrors.

· He hammers the punching bag slamming it with everything he’s got.

He is interrupted by the sound of a baby crying.

8. INT. CHRISTIAN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Christian goes into the house and picks up his infant son, comforting him, comforting himself.

9. INT. AARON’S ROOM – NIGHT

Aaron is unable to calm down. He drives down to Clare’s house and calls Clare’s best friend to tell her what’s happened. She calls her entire group of friends and they all meet him at the ruins of Clare’s house, consoling each other.

10. INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

Christian is interrogating a woman when he receives a call from an anonymous male voice telling him he needs to drop what he’s doing and focus on another “job.”

11. EXT. DAMIANO HOME – DAY

Fire and police crews crawl the smoldering ruins of the Damiano home. Christian arrives to make an assessment, but really he’s supposed to make sure “the job” was done right. He chats with fire chief Mack Porter and gets ahead of himself by asserting the event was an act of revenge. Porter sends him on his way and as he leaves, he texts “99%” to the unknown caller from earlier.

12. INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM – DAY

Aaron has been waiting patiently to see Clare along with dozens of news reporters and camera operators. Natalie arrives with at least thirty other students with balloons, stuffed animals, etc. but the reception nurse tells them to go home because they can’t visit Clare until her aunt and uncle do. The media enjoys the fireworks and get it all on video to broadcast on the evening news. Margaret and Phillip arrive and are accosted by the media.

13. INT. NURSES STATION AT SUICIDE WATCH ROOM – DAY

A steady trickle of students, one at a time, lay down their flowers, stuffed animals, etc. outside the transparent walls of Clare’s room. Clare is in a deep sleep, having a nightmare.

14. DREAM SEQUENCE

Clare dreams of her performance at the talent competition, but it ends with a fire consuming the auditorium and her losing her family. Clare awakens with fright. She sees the love her friends are showing for her. The nurse puts her back to sleep with more sedative.

ACT THREE

15. INT. THE CORNER POCKET – NIGHT

Christian sits at the bar sipping a bourbon. A middle-aged woman comes in, sits next to him and orders a frozen margarita. She strikes up a conversation with Christian but the noise from the blender prevents us from hearing their conversation.

16. EXT. SANTIAGO HOUSE – NIGHT

Christian comes home to the gun of a barrel placed on the back of his head. It’s his wife, Jayna, accusing him of cheating on her, which he firmly denies. The eleven o’clock news reveals who the surviving family member is and Christian gets a cryptic text about a meeting on Tuesday.

17. INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL – DAY

Margaret meets with Dr. Barthelomeo who states he will not administer any more sedatives to keep Clare asleep and that she needs to be taken home so she can begin the healing process. Margaret reluctantly agrees to take her home.

18. INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY

Margaret shows Clare the guestroom, then leaves her on her all alone.

19. INT. CLARE’S ROOM – NIGHT

Clare has slept for many hours and is awakened by her cousin, Blake. Margaret and Phillip have left for a dinner engagement and Blake and Clare commiserate over a grilled cheese sandwich.

20. EXT. NEWTON SPRINGS PARK – DAY

Jayna is strolling with the baby and is being photographed by a stranger, unbeknownst to her.

21. INT. KENNEDY HOME – DAY

Almost noon and Clare doesn’t have the will to get out of bed. Natalie drove two hours to visit Clare. They reunite and Clare admits she doesn’t have the will to live. Natalie encourages her to be positive, to use her gift of music and talented voice to motivate her to keep going. Reluctantly, Clare plays a song on the piano and sings while Natalie live streams it on TikTok without telling her. The response is explosive. Margaret and Phillip arrive home to ruin everything.

INT. KENNEDY KITCHEN – NIGHT – FLAGGED

Phillip berates Clare for her behavior. This scene didn’t correspond to the story anymore since I rewrote the scene before it in Assignment #2, but I wasn’t really happy with it anyway.

INT. KENNEDY BACKYARD POOL – NIGHT – <u style=””>NEW

Clare speaks to Natalie over the phone, tells her the only way she can move forward is to do everything she can to forget the events of her family’s death.

ACT FOUR

23. EXT. CEMETERY – DAY

Clare eulogizes her family members at their funeral.

24. EXT. PHILADELPHIA MILLS MALL – DAY

The same woman who struck up a conversation with Christian at the bar, Crystal Cumbee, walks out of the mall and gets into Christian’s car. They drive off together.

25. EXT. RIVERSIDE CORRECTIONAL FACILITY (RCF) – DAY

Christian and Crystal arrive at the prison/ Crystal goes inside and Christian drives away.

26. INT. PRISON RECEPTION AREA – DAY

Crystal is scanned and searched.

27. INT. CONJUGAL VISIT ROOM – DAY

Crystal enters the room where a bald inmate sits waiting. It’s former police chief Roy Nagle.

28. INT. KENNEDY HOME – NIGHT

Aaron comes over to visit Clare who tells him the only way she can move forward is to forget everything about the night her family died. Everything. He gets the hint and bows out of the picture.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Lisa Duffy.

[Lisa Duffy]

What I learned doing this lesson: To be open to different story options because their ability to elevate the quality of your script may surprise you.

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

This is based on the pilot episode for the TV series.

Main Conflict:

Opening: Clare’s seemingly real-life concert performance is revealed as a daydream when a homeless woman accosts her and jolts her back to the reality of being homeless.

Inciting Incident: Clare’s life is horribly transformed when her family perishes in their home explosion.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Clare wants to give up and die but chooses to live as a way to honor her family and uses her goal of becoming a world-famous vocal star as her drive and motivation.

First turning point at end of Act 1: Clare is forced to live with her relatives who hate her.

Mid-Point: Even if Clare ever felt like singing again, her dream of stardom seems totally impossible and without the two things she loves the most in the world, she wants also to die. She must find the will to survive the aftermath of losing her family.

Police detective Christian Santiago, compelled by a nefarious and as of yet, unidentified man behind the scenes, is trying to find and locate the member of the family that survived the attack.

Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Crisis: Clare has a melt-down and gets stupid-drunk in an effort to dull her pain. Her best friend, Natalie, and her vile aunt Margaret find her passed out, which enrages Margaret and compels her to treat Clare even worse than she already does.

Climax: Natalie has the where-with-all to talk things through with Clare and help her see that wasting her life cannot be an option; she must live to honor her family.

Resolution: Clare decides she agrees with Natalie and resolves to find a motivation to live.

* * * * *

Singling out the “Crisis: Clare gets stupid-drunk” to elevate.

New Ways to Write This Scene:

1. Clare attempts suicide.

2. Clare has a meltdown in front of guests while her aunt and uncle are having a dinner party.

3. Clare records and posts a TikTok video venting about how horrible her life has become and how she doesn’t want to live anymore and it goes viral.

4. Clare destroys her room, i.e. throws her lamp against the wall, overturns the desk, rips up the bed, etc.

I chose #3 – the TikTok video.

Make a second list of the Main Conflict and Structural items with the improvements you’ve made. Again, it will contain the following:

Main Conflict:

Points 1 – 6 remain the same.

7. Crisis: Clare records and posts a TikTok video venting about how horrible her life has become and how she doesn’t want to live anymore and it goes viral.

Climax: This embarrasses and enrages her aunt and prompts her to contact a social worker to relocate Clare to a girls’ halfway home as a last straw. But Clare’s TikTok community rallies around her and convinces her to start posting videos of her singing as a way to rise above her depression and become a star on the platform.

Resolution: Clare is consoled by the outpouring of concern and encouragement to live her dream. She decides to accept their challenge to pursue her dream. Lisa’s Concept and Basic Structure Version 2

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa Duffy’s Logline and One Page!

What I learned doing this assignment: I learned a better way to craft my logline.

Working Title: Aria’s Song

Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.

Overview

Note: This overview is for my first two episodes only.

Seventeen-year-old Clare Linderman is gifted with a powerful, award-winning voice and her dream is to become a global vocal megastar. But when her entire family perishes in their home explosion, a crime of revenge that was ordered by Judge Thomas Linderman’s political adversary former Philadelphia Police Chief turned state penitentiary inmate, Roy Nagle, Clare is sent to live with her aunt and uncle, Margaret and Phillip Kennedy who despise her and do not want her. Her dream of becoming the next Adele seem hopeless and out of reach.

Twenty-eight-year-old Christian Santiago is Philly PD’s hot shot crime scene investigator who has a young wife whom he does not love, but is committed to, and newborn son. Christian had the great misfortune of catching Roy Nagle lifting heroine from the DEA evidence cage to use and deal. He compels Santiago to lie about it, threatening his family if he does not. Trapped, Christian agrees, and Nagel keeps him on a short leash and commits him to do his dirty work. If he talks? Nagle will destroy his career and his family.

But why order the murder of the Lindermans, a seemingly innocent family? Because it was Judge Linderman presiding at his trial and who ultimately ordered his 25-year sentence without chance of parole.

When living with the Kennedys becomes unbearable for all parties, Margaret enlists a social worker and sends Clare to a halfway house where she meets Jed Turner, a sick, twisted child molester posing as director of the girls’ home. After a rough entry week, Clare befriends Corina Reyes, a belligerent, angry young woman who is a resident at the home. Together, the girls plot their escape from the abusive Jed and the oppressiveness of the whole living arrangement.

Plotting their escape together brings closeness, conversation, and healing for both girls. Despite the chaos their prank causes, they successfully escape. Clare hops on a bus to Los Angeles with a new persona – Aria James – and Corina goes wherever the wind blows. But little do they know Nagle has commissioned Christian Santiago to find Clare – and finish the job.

Corina finally succumbs to her deep depression within a few days of freedom and ends her life, while Clare is completely out of money and ends up homeless, fighting to survive the menacing streets of Los Angeles. Despite battling depression and loneliness, she refuses to allow the irony of her situation prevent her from achieving her dream. She must find a way to bootstrap her way to being discovered, while remaining anonymous.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Lisa Duffy.

[Lisa Duffy]

Hello! I’m Lisa and I’m an alumni of PSA41 and the Bingeworthy TV classes. I’ve written two feature-length scripts and am currently working on a TV show that I hope to have ready to pitch by the end of the year.

I am hoping to learn how to polish my screenplays to make them marketable.

Something special about me… I am an accomplished maker of pancakes.

[Lisa Duffy]

Lisa Duffy

I agree to the terms of this release form.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Lisa Duffy]

Good morning, Cathy,

My email address is lisa.duffy@me.com. If you email me, I will reply with my phone number and we can get a call scheduled.

Best,

Lisa Duffy

[Lisa Duffy]

Hi, Cathy,

I will be posting my synopsis this evening. If you’d like to partner for this assignment, let me know and I’ll PM you my phone number.

Best,

Lisa Duffy

[Lisa Duffy]

Alright, I’m replying to your post here instead of via messaging.

I really like these ten pages, Bob. Very engaging, clear, and well-paced. You are obviously a seasoned writer and I think you’ve covered all the bases on this one.

If I were to suggest anything, it would be maybe using some anticipatory dialogue in the conversation between Tom and Boomer when Tom is calling for help. I can imagine Boomer using a bit more sarcasm, or maybe some direct/indirect predictions in his speech. It’s good right now, but the two characters sound similar to each other right now.

Other than that, great job!

[Lisa Duffy]

Thanks for your reply, sorry for my slow response. I will read through your scene and give you feedback today via messaging. I’m looking forward to it!

Best,

Lisa Duffy

[Lisa Duffy]

1. My apologies for not introducing Aaron and Natalie before I posted, I can understand the confusion.

2. Christian is a good guy in a bad position and trying to maintain a moral equilibrium right now, but will lose his battle by the end of season one and become a total dirtbag. Do you have any suggestions on how I can clarify things so as to avoid confusion about his character?

3. Here I see I must verbally dress the scene better. In my mind’s eye, there is nothing left of the house and the basement is simply a hole in the ground with no floor above it, which would mean Christian and Mack are actually outside. But upon reading your feedback, I realize it would probably take a nuclear bomb to devastate a house to that degree, so I see I should re-adjust my description since the floor is likely still intact. Thanks for pointing that out.

4. The aunt and uncle Aaron referred to are Margaret and Phillip, who enter the hospital toward the end of the waiting room scene. I used a subtext transition to move from the waiting room scene to the scene where the students are waiting to visit. I apologize for not introducing them, either 🙁

I appreciate your feedback, Bob, and will make appropriate changes. Thank you, so much!

[Lisa Duffy]

Hi, Bob,

I don’t see the forum for exchanging feedback, can you tell me where to find it? If it’s not there, would you like to go ahead and exchange feedback?

Best,

Lisa Duffy

[Lisa Duffy]

Great analysis! “Man On Fire” is in my top 10 favorite movies.

[Lisa Duffy]

Hi, Annie, sorry for my slow response, I’ve been out of town and focused on different things. I would love to exchange scripts. My email is lisa.duffy@me.com. I will send mine over to you later today.

Looking forward to reading yours!!

Best,

Lisa Duffy

[Lisa Duffy]

Hi, Sam,

Really sorry to hear about your trouble getting on. Very frustrating I’m sure, but glad to see you’re back on.

If you don’t mind, I’d like to communicate only on the ScreewritingU platform. We can message each other on an individual basis. I have two other businesses I’m running and I’m trying to keep things compartmentalized, so keeping correspondence on here gives me a little sanity with all the other emails I receive. Hope you’re okay with that. Also, I forgot we are supposed to comment on each other’s work. I will give you a chance to catch up before I do.

Thanks, Sam, glad you’re back on the site 🙂

Best,

Lisa

[Lisa Duffy]

Thanks, Sam! Sure, I’d love to partner with you. Your story sounds wonderful! Thanks so much for reaching out.