[Lisa Paris Long]

Rom-Com – Lesson 5 – Her Journey/His Journey

Lisa Paris Long’s Her Journey/His Journey

What I learned doing this assignment is that defining journeys is difficult but a vital step in moving the story forward.

Working Title: The Angel Baby

Create an individual Transformational Journey for each lead character.

Caroline Mason’s Journey –

1. Initial state: College student concentrating on studies, but also fighting for causes on campus
2. Meet-Cute moment: Caroline is responding to the book that she was looking for in the school library has been “challenged” (a term used instead of banned). She stands on a chair in the library and gives a speech about banning books. She is mad when a boy she doesn’t know grabs her from her chair and carries her outside.
3. Initial challenges: Caroline is a workaholic. She and Matt have decided not to have children, but at a party where there are many kids, she starts to have new feelings of maybe she does want kids…but she quashes them.
4. Major conflict / Obstacle: When a baby is found in their bed, Caroline freaks out but is secretly excited. This goes against the agreement she and Matt have against having babies.
5. Self-Reflection: Caroline realizes she has motherly instincts that she didn’t know she had previously.
6. Acceptance and Growth: Caroline decides to take care of the new baby as her own for as long as possible…even though Matt has left her.
7. Demonstrate the change: As the baby has to be given back, Caroline realizes that she does want a baby after all. She will do it even if Matt doesn’t want to have a baby.
8. Reunion: Matt returns and apologizes. Caroline takes him back because she believes they belong together. Caroline finds out she’s pregnant.

Matt Caldwell’s Journey –

1. Initial state: Matt is a college student who is both smart and popular. And has a reputation of a ladies’ man about campus.
2. Meet-Cute moment: Matt watches Caroline giving a speech in the library while on a chair. As she starts to fall off the chair, he runs over and swoops her up. He carries her outside.
3. Initial challenges: Matt is a workaholic and totally devoted to his company…and Caroline. No room for anything else especially kids.
4. Major conflict / Obstacle: When a baby appears unexpectedly in his life, he is horrified. He can’t take care of it, doesn’t want to take care of it. It’s not in the plan. He ends up leaving Caroline alone with the baby.
5. Self-Reflection: Matt’s time away from Caroline is painful…they haven’t been apart in 15 years. He thinks about how Caroline seemed to like taking care of the baby.
6. Acceptance and Growth: Matt realizes that he and Caroline can absolutely take care of a child. Maybe they have changed? Maybe they should think about their life of material things and think about being parents.
7. Demonstrate the change: Matt decides returns to Caroline as they have to give the baby back to the parents.
8. Reunion: Matt is there as they give the baby back. He apologizes to Caroline for leaving her alone. He says he thinks they can be parents now. He is surprised and happy when they realize that Caroline is pregnant.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lesson 4 Plot – Track 2 The 7 Stages of Love

Lisa Paris Long’s 7 Stages of Love

What I learned doing this assignment is the love story is lead by the bigger story.

Working Title: The Angel Baby

Create the 7 Stages of Love for your two lead characters.

The 7 Stages of Love:

• 1. Meet-Cute: Matt Caldwell and Caroline Mason meet at an ivy league school library in 2009. Caroline is protesting by standing on a chair in the middle of the library and giving a rousing speech on banning books. As Caroline’s chair starts to wobble Matt scoops her up and carries her out of the library onto the steps outside.

• 2. Attraction/Flirting: Caroline is pissed. They argue, he charms her. Banter. He asks her which girl he should date this semester. She indulges him by telling him about each girl in their view and why each is not right for him. He says, “Shall we discuss it further over dinner?” She eventually agrees to dinner and we know they’ll get together.
There is a jump in time to 15 years later…

• 3. Denial: Matt and Caroline are married and have built a very successful business together. They are interviewed on a tv show about their latest invention when the interviewer asks about their personal life. They present a united front that they have always agreed to be each other’s family. When pushed they say they decided long ago not to have children.

• 4. Separation/Forced Together: Matt and Caroline find a baby in their bed and disagree over what to do with her. From taking care of her to who to tell, etc.

• 5. Working through Issues/Differences: Matt and Caroline do everything they can think of to find the parents to no avail. Caroline has suddenly found some mothering instincts that she didn’t know she had previously. This doesn’t sit well with Matt because they agreed no children.

• 6. Hate/Betrayal/All Hope is Lost: Matt can’t handle the baby anymore and leaves Caroline to take care of her alone. Caroline can’t believe he’s being cruel by leaving. Matt can’t believe she’s breaking their agreement.

• 7. Love Happens: The baby’s parents are located and are coming with the police to pick her up. Matt shows with a change of heart and mind. He apologizes for leaving Caroline alone with the baby. It was important to him to show up for the hand off. Once the baby is gone, Matt and Caroline confess their undying love and both agree that they could take care of a baby after all. Caroline finds out she’s pregnant.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lesson 3 Track 1: The Bigger Story

Lisa Paris Long’s Bigger Story

What I learned doing this assignment is get it down no matter the state of it because it will go through many rewrites later on.

Concept: At Christmastime, the wealthy inventors of a revolutionary “quiet” product vow to never have kids until they see an ad for the most adorable baby and wish for a baby like that…in the morning that baby is in their bed and they must figure out how it got there and what to do with it.

Main Conflict: The sudden appearance of a baby has Caroline rethinking their strict “no kids” policy, but Matt wants to keep it airtight.

Assignment
1. Brainstorm at least 5 ideas for each of these and select the one or combination you like best for your bigger story.
• A. What interesting world could this movie/show be set in?
• B. What major conflict could be happening?
• C. What intriguing situation could these characters be engaged in?
2. Turn that bigger story into a 3-Act or 4-Act structure.

Act 1:
• Opening
Meet-cute at an ivy league school library in 2009. The library book Caroline Mason wants to check out has been challenged and removed from the shelves. She protests by standing on a chair in the middle of the library and giving a rousing speech on banning books. Matt Caldwell watches Caroline intrigued. Caroline’s chair starts to wobble and Matt runs in to help her. He sweeps her up and carries her out of the library onto the steps outside. She’s pissed. They argue, he charms her, she calms and we know they’ll get together.
15 years later…
Caroline and Matt are on a tv show being interviewed. The host of the show discusses their great success with their company Shh! Solutions and the paint they invented that blocks almost all noise from coming through walls and ceilings. It’s been a viral sensation. Then the interview takes a turn when the host asks them when they are going to start a family. They say they are a family. But when pushed, Caroline says they have a dog and that she should ask some relevant questions. The host says Caroline’s just equated children to dogs and said that they are irrelevant. All hell breaks loose, and a social media frenzy storm leads Caroline and Matt to retreat to their mansion.

• Inciting Incident
Caroline and Matt haven’t been out since the “incident” on tv but decide to go to a Christmas party at their best friend’s house. The wife is pregnant with their 3rd child. Kids abound…running, screaming. Caroline sees a bunch of baby magazines on a side table. Matt is busy talking. Caroline looks over at the tv when a commercial comes on with the most beautiful baby, she’s ever seen. Her mouth drops, staring at the baby. The commercial goes off and she looks down. A magazine in front of her has the same gorgeous baby on the cover. She grabs it and puts it in her tote purse on the floor in front of her.
That night their maid, Lena is getting ready to leave on Christmas vacation to her small Austrian village when Annika, a fellow maid from down the street, knocks on the kitchen door. Annika has to run an emergency errand and needs Lena to hold onto the baby for just an hour. Lena tells Annika okay, but she has to be back in exactly an hour because she has to leave for the airport promptly. Annika gets hit by a car and doesn’t show up. As Caroline and Matt sleep upstairs, Lena sneaks up and leaves the baby on their bed. Lena leaves a note but when she opens the back door the wind causes it to fly under the kitchen cabinet. Lena is gone.

• Turning Point
In the morning, Matt and Caroline wake to a gurgling noise. Hilarity when they discover a baby in their bed. They are scared of it and climb over each other to get away. They peek over the side of the bed watching it. They discuss where it might have come from? What are they going to do? They don’t know how to take care of a baby. They haven’t gone to baby classes. Why is it there? Did they sleepwalk and kidnap it? Is it a Christmas miracle?
Lena! Oh, she’s gone to Europe.

Reaction:
The things they do:
-try to call Lena, but she’s on her way to her tiny village in the Alps with poor to no cell service.
-get online and check missing persons reports—anyone missing a baby? No.
-check the kitchen, did Lena leave a note? No (it’s under the cabinets).
-do they have milk? No!
-they have to go to the store!
-they don’t have a car seat or buggy!
-diapers!
-clothes!
WAIT! It looks exactly like the baby on the mag cover! Can it be? How? Did Caroline manifest it into existence?
They decide Caroline will stay with the baby while Matt runs to the store. But they’re not sure what to get. Matt will get as much from the baby aisle as he can.
Caroline sits and stares at the baby. The baby stares back.

Act 2:

• New plan
They decide they need something to put the baby in. They think of calling their best friends, but they don’t want to share their secret. They put an adult hoodie on the baby and cover its head. They put the Angel Baby in a basket with a lid. They go to a store to get a car seat, but they don’t know anything about them. And they have a baby in a basket. When people ask about the basket they say they have their puppy in there, but they can’t see it because it’s not trained yet.
More uncomfortable situations such as trying to figure out what a baby eats and how to feed her. How to put on the diapers. They swaddle her even though the Angel Baby is too big for it. They google everything.

• Plan in action
Discuss what they’re going to do. Seems curious that no one is looking for the baby. Where did she come from? They decide to contact the magazine to see if they can give them a name or something.
The magazine can’t give out personal information on a client. And the ad person whose campaign it was is out of town for the holidays anyway.
They play with the Angel Baby and actually enjoy it. But when she finally starts to cry they can’t stand it! They live in their own quiet environment. She’s been good up until now…what’s wrong with her?

• Midpoint Turning Point 2
They can’t think of what else to do at this point. Do they tell someone? Who can they trust?
Annika has been in a coma in the hospital after being hit by a car when running her errand. The baby’s parents come to the hospital frantic. They had been on holiday in Africa and when they finally heard that Annika and the baby were missing, they flew home immediately. They plead with Annika…Where is Valentina? The Angel Baby’s real name. No response from Annika yet.
Matt can’t take it anymore. He decides to leave. He’s used to quiet and needs some time alone. Caroline doesn’t stop him. She knows that he never wanted a child. She decides she can take care of Angel Baby by herself. But will Matt ever return if she keeps the child?

Act 3:

• Rethink everything
Caroline knows that someone is missing this baby. She can’t possibly be a miracle from Santa…or God. But in the meantime, she continues to bond and realize that maybe she can be a mother after all.

• New plan
Caroline decides to tell her best friend but swears her to secrecy. Her best friend is shocked. She’s a little mad that she hadn’t told her sooner. Caroline brought Angel Baby with her and they all play. Caroline warns that she can’t tell anyone, not even her husband!

• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift
After trying to hold it in, she breaks and tells her husband. Her husband calls Matt and says if they don’t go to the police that he will…it’s the right thing to do. Matt tells him that they will do it.
Caroline sees Angel Baby’s parents on tv asking for any information on where the baby is. She’s scared. It can’t be over! But those are Angel Baby’s parents.
Caroline cries.

Act 4:

• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
On Christmas Eve, Annika wakes up and has trouble remembering everything, but recalls talking to Lena. Lena must have the baby, but she’s in Austria for Christmas.
The police and parents race to Caroline and Matt’s house.
Before they arrive, Matt returns and apologizes to Caroline. He agrees never to run away again when things get tough. They will hand over the Angel Baby together.
The police and parents arrive. They grab Valentina from Caroline. Valentina holds out her hands for Caroline. As Caroline and Matt are being arrested for kidnapping, Lena walks in the door. Surprised to see the commotion.
Lena’s brother was at Christmas, and they are estranged, so she came back early to spend Christmas with Mr. and Mrs. Caldwell.
She smiles at Valentina…talking goo-goo talk to her. Lena explains that she left Valentina with Caroline and Matt. She knew they’d be fine taking care of her until Annika came to get her. They are always so kind to her.
Valentina’s parents decide that since it was Annika that left her there, they won’t press charges against Caroline and Matt. It was all a huge misunderstanding because of Annika’s accident. They thank Caroline and Matt for taking care of Valentina.

• Resolution
It’s Christmas morning, Caroline and Matt decide to try to have a baby together since the business is well established…they have excellent managers in place.
They think they can do it now! But they tell Lena she can never take another vacation.
Caroline runs to the powder room and throws up. All laugh because they know that they are pregnant!

[Lisa Paris Long]

LESSON 2: Key Decisions for Characters

Lisa Paris Long’s Rom-Com Project

What I learned doing this assignment is that by asking the direct questions my characters are revealed to me.

Working Title: The Angel Baby

Concept: At Christmastime, the wealthy inventors of a revolutionary product vow to never have kids until they see an ad for the most adorable baby and wish for a baby like that…in the morning that baby is in their bed and they must figure out how it got there and what to do with it.

Note: We see their meet-cute at the beginning in an ivy league library. Then jump to 15 years later.

Starting with your concept and conventions, fill in as many blanks as you can for each of your lead characters.

• Who is Caroline Mason (34 years old)?

Caroline – a successful painter who has helped her husband Matt build a company that has taken off due to going viral.
She doesn’t want children because she is and always has been focused on art. The world is too crazy to bring another child into it. Besides she doesn’t have the nurturing “mom” gene anyway.

• Who is Matt Caldwell (35 years old)?

Matt – a successful businessman who along with Caroline has built a multi-billion-dollar company from scratch in a short time due to viral social media.
Matt doesn’t want children because he’s too focused on his work. He believes there are too many kids and the world is overcrowded. He feels he wouldn’t be a good dad since he didn’t have a good example of one growing up.

• What makes Caroline Mason lovable?

o Sense of humor; she calls Matt “doggie”
o She is quirky
o She sometimes misspeaks and gets into trouble (don’t we all?!)

• What makes Matt Caldwell lovable?

o He loves Caroline deeply (always has since their meet-cute in college)
o He has a playful attitude – shows that he loves life!
o He pays attention to details and reacts accordingly

• What attracts Caroline to Matt?

o They have the same values and want the same things in life
o He needs her and expresses it
o Sense of humor
o Positive can-do attitude

• What attracts Matt to Caroline?

o They have the same values and want the same things in life
o She needs and “gets” him
o Sense of humor
o Loves her quirkiness

• What needs does Matt fulfill for Caroline?

o Matt keeps Caroline grounded; Safe for her to be herself
o Treats her like a real partner (not less than because she’s not a scientist)
o Dependable
o Adventurous

• What needs does Caroline fulfill for Matt?

o Caroline gives Matt all the attention he craves
o She lets her guard down with him which makes him feel wanted
o Safe to be himself around her
o Fun

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Paris Long’s Rom Com Project

What I learned doing this assignment is that brainstorming never really stops. Keep working on improving every aspect from the start.

Working Title: The Angel Baby

Starting with whatever idea you have, fill in the blanks to create a concept.
• Two People Who Belong Together: Two highly successful entrepreneurs, meet-cute during their Ivy league education. They seemingly want the same things out of life including being career driven with no children.
• How Are They Separated: One discovers that maybe the idea of having a child is not so crazy after all. While the other still says no children. It will interrupt their happy, expensive lifestyle.
• What Forces Them together: Their past love and history. A child surprisingly and comically drops into their life…how do they cope when they don’t know how to care for a child?
• Issues to be Resolved: They have to figure out how to move forward with a child or break up.
• On Their Journey of Love: The love for each other has been there for 15 years. Can they overcome the obstacle of a sudden child?

Then fill in the blanks to create your conventions. Even though some of these are the same, it is worth looking at them in the context of the conventions.
• Experience of Falling In Love: Their shared history of 15 years since their meet-cute has developed into a safe, deep love.
• The Journey of Love: They fall in love but the introduction of a child changes the dynamic in their happy work driven lives. Can they overcome it?
• Relationship Set-up: Meet-cute in an ivy league library where they argue in silence. They fall in love and marry…a whirlwind romance.
• Issues each must Resolve: Do they want a kid after all? Or not? The wife starts to reconsider their decision as she sees her friend’s kids…and a stunningly beautiful baby in the media.
• Separation: They eventually break up over the sudden drop in of a child.
• How will Comedy be Expressed: They are a wealthy couple focused on work. A baby appears in their bed one morning. How did it get there? Where did it come from? What do they do with it? Was it a miracle because it’s the exact baby they had admired in a media campaign?

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hello – I'm Lisa Paris Long – now from Virginia (but a bi-coastal native Cali girl)

How many scripts you’ve written?
1 Thriller years ago, that sold but was never produced. Plus 1 Drama and 1 Rom-com from the SU WIM and Pro Series classes that are in various drafts.

What you hope to get out of the class?
Rom-coms are what I like to write and watch. I'm hoping to infuse more comedy into my Rom-com scripts by taking this class.

Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you?
I started as an actress in theater. I graduated NYU Film school. My final NYU film starred Patrick Dempsey. I traveled the world with Disney on Ice… primarily in Asia (Staff, not a skater). A near death experience a couple of years ago brought me back to screenwriting.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Paris Long
I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 12 – Transition Scenes with Meaning

Lisa Long’s Dramatic Scene Transitions

What I learned from doing this assignment is transitions are important for maintaining the flow of the story and for readability.

ORIGINAL SCENE TRANSITION

Molly jumps up.

MOLLY

I’ll get you to help me! Just wait and see…

MARS

Okay. (chuckling) You do make me laugh.

Molly dances down the beach toward the restaurant. Chessie barks after her. Mars covers up again and closes his eyes with a smile on his face.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL TRACK – DAY

Molly’s first week of school. Molly and a group of students are in gym clothes at the start of the outdoor track. Ms. SUSAN SEYMOUR, a 43-year-old big-boned gym teacher addresses the kids.

SUSAN

Alright. We’re going to test your running abilities. When I shout GO, you run as fast as you can to the other side of the track.

A few of the kids who are into running stretch out. Molly stretches too.

SUSAN

On your mark, get set, GO!

Half of the kids start out strong, and bringing up the rear are the kids who don’t care. Molly is out in front.

Molly runs like the wind…and when the spirit moves her, she adds a jete (jump).

KIDS

(Running and laughing) Look at the new girl! She’s crazy! What does she think she’s doing?!

NEW SCENE TRANSITION – THE VISUAL TRANSITION

Molly jumps up.

MOLLY

I’ll get you to help me! Just wait and see…

MARS

Okay. (chuckling) You do make me laugh.

Mars covers up again and closes his eyes with a smile on his face.

Molly runs down the beach… CUT TO:

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL TRACK – DAY

Molly runs around the school track like the wind…and when the spirit moves her, she adds a jete (jump).

KIDS

(Running and laughing) Look at the new girl! She’s crazy! What does she think she’s doing?!

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 11 – Elevating Scene Structure

Lisa Long’s Elevated Scene Structures

What I learned from doing this assignment is that the structure can enhance the story and build more interest beyond the characters and dialogue.

ORIGINAL SCENE (Final scene)

EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

It’s a month later. Ed is lying on a chaise on the patio. Molly is sitting next to him watching a dance video on her phone and marking it with her feet. Chessie is lying at their feet. The restaurant is closed today. April, who has her brace off now, comes out and plops down on a chaise.

APRIL

What’s happening family?

EDGAR

Nothing.

APRIL

(whispering) Do you think now’s the time?

EDGAR

Sure.

Ed sits up. April sits up. They both look at Molly. Molly feels their looks and stares back.

MOLLY

What?

APRIL

Could you turn that off for a minute please?

MOLLY

Just a sec.

EDGAR

Now please. We have something we want to discuss with you.

Molly is suddenly curious.

MOLLY

What?

April pulls a beautiful new pair of toe shoes out from under the chaise lounge.

MOLLY

Oh my God! Are those for me?

APRIL

Sure are!

Molly grabs them and puts lamb’s wool in the toes and laces them up.

APRIL

Don’t get them dirty!

Molly does a pirouette.

APRIL

Okay. Have a seat Mol. We want to talk to you.

Molly plops onto a chaise and puts her new shoes up on it.

EDGAR

I don’t want you to stop dancing. You should go out there and find your star.

MOLLY

But I’ve only had you for a short time. I don’t want to leave you.

EDGAR

Mol, I understand that because I’ve just found you too, but I can no longer be responsible for your dream not continuing. (pauses) I never thought I’d say it, but your dancing makes me happy.

Molly smiles.

APRIL

So, Molly. We’ve made a decision for you.

MOLLY

What decision?

APRIL

Your father and I reached out to Mars and he is offering you a scholarship to the New York City ballet school!

MOLLY

What?! When?!

APRIL

It starts in a couple of weeks. You’ll stay with other kids in the program at the school. Mars will watch out for you. And he’ll be in touch with us.

EDGAR

And when you have a performance or need a mom and dad fix, we’ll come see you.

Molly grabs her face and jumps up and down.

MOLLY

Oh my God! I can’t wait. It’s a dream!

Molly hugs Edgar, April, and Chessie.

MOLLY

You’ve made my life!

Then she runs down the steps and onto the beach. She runs along the sand. Molly dances in the sand as the credits roll.

List the components of the scene and what you are trying to accomplish.

Establish that the family is together and happy at long last. April and Edgar agree when it comes to Molly and her dream. Molly has resigned herself to her new life. Twist/Surprise, Molly’s dream will go on. The story ends on a high note.

Present scene structure is Surprise.

Suspense.

April and Edgar can build the suspense by acting like it’s something negative instead of positive…leaving Molly and the audience worried.

Twist.

All is bliss for the newfound family. Suddenly, April and Edgar explain that the family is splitting up. But only because Molly is leaving for NYC.

Mislead and reveal.

Sets up that April and Edgar have a secret that may be terrible for the newfound family. But at the ending is bittersweet when Molly leaves the family to follow her dream.

Chose Mislead and Reveal.

REWRITTEN SCENE (Final scene)

EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

It’s a month later. Molly is sitting on the patio deck watching a dance video on her phone and marking it with her feet. Chessie is lying at their feet. The restaurant is closed for the Christmas season. A pink plastic Christmas tree is on the deck with colored lights across the patio. April and Edgar are nervously watching her through the window of the indoor patio.

APRIL

When are we going to tell her what we’ve done?

EDGAR

Once we hear back. Should be any minute.

Edgar’s cell phone rings.

EDGAR

Here it is.

Edgar answers.

EDGAR (into phone)

Hi. Sure.

APRIL

What?

EDGAR (whispering)

I see. No that’s cool.

April pulls on his arm.

EDGAR

You want me to tell her? (pause) Well, okay. Thanks for calling. Talk to you later.

Edgar hangs up and looks intently at April.

APRIL

Well?

Edgar shakes his head yes. They walk calmly out of the patio door. They sit on chaises next to Molly. They both look at her. Molly feels their looks and stares back.

MOLLY

What?

APRIL

Could you turn that off for a minute please?

MOLLY

Just a sec.

EDGAR

Now please. We have something we want to discuss with you.

Molly is suddenly curious.

MOLLY

What?

APRIL

Okay. Have a seat Mol. We want to talk to you.

Molly plops onto a chaise.

EDGAR

We don’t know how to tell you, but our little family is splitting up.

MOLLY

What?! But you promised you would stay together!

EDGAR

No Molly. April and I are staying together.

APRIL

Edgar and I will always be together.

MOLLY

I don’t understand.

EDGAR

Mol, I can no longer be responsible for your dream not continuing. (pauses) I never thought I’d say it, but your dancing makes me happy.

Molly half smiles.

APRIL

So, Molly. We’ve decided for you.

MOLLY

Decided what?

APRIL

Your father and I reached out to Mars and he is offering you a scholarship to the New York City ballet school!

MOLLY

What?! When?!

Molly stops in her tracks.

MOLLY (CON’T)

But we’ve just become a family…

APRIL

We know, but distance won’t break us. School starts January 2nd. You’ll stay with other kids in the program at the school. Mars will watch out for you. And he’ll be in touch with us.

EDGAR

And when you have a performance or need a mom and dad fix, we’ll come see you.

Molly grabs her face and jumps up and down.

MOLLY

Oh my God! It’s a dream!

April pulls a beautiful new pair of toe shoes out from under the chaise lounge.

MOLLY

Oh my God! Are those for me?

APRIL

Sure are!

Molly grabs them and pulls them out of the box.

APRIL

Don’t get them dirty!

Molly does a pirouette while hugging the new shoes. She hugs Edgar, April, and Chessie.

MOLLY

You’ve made my whole life!

Then she runs down the steps and onto the beach. She runs along the sand. Chessie follows her barking. Molly dances in the sand as the credits roll.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 8 – Pump Up Your Beat Sheet

Lisa Long’s Elevated Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment is to continuously make improvements to the structure of the script.

Scene 39’s purpose is that Mars has taken Molly to NYC for the NYC Ballet in-person audition. Edgar did not give permission for Molly to dance let alone go to NYC. This is the first time Edgar and Mars meet…and the first time Edgar sees Molly dance as a professional.

BEFORE BEAT

39. INT. NYC BALLET THEATER – EVENING

Ed enters the theater lobby with two police officers in tow. They try to run past the ropes but are stopped by an usher looking for tickets. Ed gets into the theater and sees Molly on stage for the first time. He is stunned! He cries. He calls off the police.

AFTER BEAT

INT. NYC BALLET REHEARSAL ROOM HALLWAY – DAY

Edgar arrives with two cops in tow. He points out Mars and orders the police to arrest him for kidnapping his daughter. Mars provides proof that he had permission from April to drive Molly to NYC. Police leave. Edgar sees Molly dancing. Edgar is stunned. He looks at Mars in disbelief. Mars tells Edgar just how good she is.

The purpose of scene 51 is to establish that April and Molly are torn between staying in a stable environment and dancing in front of an audience. Two artists discussing missing sharing their art.

BEFORE BEAT

51. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – KITCHEN – MORNING

April and Molly are working in the kitchen. They discuss how they miss traveling and especially performing in front of an audience.

AFTER BEAT

INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – SIDE YARD – MORNING

April and Molly are moving the live crabs from a temporary container to their own containers. Molly has gotten over her fear of them. They discuss how being here is better than not knowing where they were going to stay. But they also discuss dancing on stage and how much they both miss it.

The purpose of scene 53 is to wrap up the story and get Molly her dream. It shows the completion of Edgar’s arc too. He has come around to supporting Molly’s dancing. And all three characters have reconciled with each other.

BEFORE BEAT

53.(E9) EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

It’s a month later. The restaurant is closed today. Edgar, Molly, Chessie, and April are all out on the patio. April had her brace removed. Edgar and April present Molly with a new pair of toe shoes. She is so surprised and thrilled. Then they tell her that they contacted Mars in NY and he pulled some strings to get her into the NYC Ballet school. Molly puts on her toe shoes and dances on the beach.

AFTER BEAT

EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

A month later. The restaurant is closed for the winter. It’s unseasonably warm. Edgar, April, Molly, and Chessie are all out on the patio. Christmas decorations. April has had her brace removed. Edgar and April present Molly with a new pair of toe shoes for Christmas. Thrilled, Molly puts the shoes on. They hand Molly a letter. It reads that she got into the NYC Ballet program. Edgar tells her that Mars helped him get her into the program. Molly is surprised that Edgar did this for her. Edgar calls her his Chesapeake Girl. Chessie barks. Molly dances around the patio and then onto the beach. Chessie follows her jumping up and down.

Chesapeake Girl – Beat Sheet

1. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

April, a gypsy dancer drops off her 12-year-old daughter Molly to stay with Edgar, a bearded long-haired guy. Edgar owns Big Ed’s Seafood Hut on the Chesapeake Bay and lives over the restaurant. Molly has a meltdown. Chessie, Edgar’s dog comforts her. Edgar picks Molly up and takes her inside.

2. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY CONTINUOUS

2.Molly looks around the restaurant. She hates seafood! Ed introduces Molly to his cook, Jane, who looks over her glasses at Molly. Jane is seventy years old, wise, and protective of Ed for whom she’s worked for decades.

3. INT. BEDROOM OVER RESTAURANT – DAY CONTINUOUS

Jane takes Molly upstairs to see her bedroom.
Chessie tags along. Molly doesn’t want to be there and is still wiping away
tears. Jane explains to Molly that Ed as an ex-military man likes to run a
tight ship. And if Molly has any “female” issues to talk to her. Molly asks
questions as she strokes Chessie. Jane
answers a couple, but then has to go. Even though she’s sad, she’s never had a
room of her own.

4. INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN – DAY

Molly comes downstairs and goes
into the kitchen where Jane is working on the dinner courses. Ed interrupts the kitchen talk and tells
Molly that he has a few rules 1. Keep her phone on so he can reach her at all
times. 2. Work in the dining room cleaning tables every day after school. 3. No
dancing. Molly protests! She must
dance! Molly storms up to her room. Jane
suggests that he’s being unreasonable to ask a child not to dance…for she knows
that it is only because the love of his life, April was a dancer who broke his
heart. Ed is in charge. Molly must be subordinate.

5. INT. ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Ed rolls up his sleeve as Jane gives him some medicine to take. Ed downs the pills. Jane preps his arm and administers the shot. She puts a Band aid on it. Jane asks how Ed is feeling. Ed changes the topic by asking if he’s been too hard on Molly. Jane says to talk to her. Tell her that you can’t bear to be around dancers since April left. Ed is not ready to talk about it. Jane points out that it’s been 12 years. Ed says he’ll tell her soon why he’s anti-dance and about his condition. Jane says it needs to be sooner than later.

6. INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING CONTINUOUS

Molly is standing in the restaurant disgusted watching the patrons eat crabs. Ed yells at her to wipe down a table. Molly is mad that she’s been forced into child labor. Molly and Ed argue because she doesn’t want to work. Subtext: Molly and Ed are both mad at April.

7. INT./EXT. RESTAURANT – EVENING CONTINUOUS

Molly reluctantly collects the stinky brown paper full of crab carcasses and takes it outside to the trash dumpster. Bud, the bus boy follows her outside and makes fun of her when she gets crab fluid all over herself. He calls her “Ed’s stinky love child”. Molly tries to physically fight with the bus boy. He laughs at her holding her back at arm’s length. Ed breaks it up. Molly wants to know what Bud meant. Ed goes back inside without answering her.

8. EXT. BEACH – DAY

Molly is with Chessie dancing on the beach when Marshall (Mars for short, a Black man of 32 years old) under an umbrella corrects her jete (a ballet leap). Molly recognizes Mars’ name as a renown choreographer! As Molly dances around Mars’ umbrella, she opens up about being abandoned by her mom. Mars tells Molly about his mother passing away and he came back to the Bay to be alone and grieve. They bond over mom’s and being sad. Instant friends as they discuss Molly’s dream to dance at the NYC Ballet.

9. EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL TRACK – DAY

Molly’s first week of school. Molly and a group of students are about to run around the track. Susan the gym teacher blows a whistle to start the race.

Molly runs like the wind…and when the spirit moves her, she adds a jete (jump). The kids laugh at her antics and one bully mimics her to make the other kids laugh more. The teacher tells her to cool it if she wants to make friends. Tammy, a nerdy girl tells her to ignore the kids, but when Tammy talks about TikTok dancing, Molly becomes snobby, and Tammy runs off.

10. INT. ED’S HOUSE – LATE EVENING CONTINUOUS

Molly sneaks out of her bedroom, toe shoes in hand, and runs down the back stairs. Chessie is at the bottom of the stairs and whines.

11. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE EVENING CONTINUOUS

Molly goes to Mars’ house to try and convince him to work with her on audition material. He resists as he’s taking a sabbatical from dance. Molly discovers that he has a dance studio on the side porch of the house. Molly insists on dancing for him. Problem arises when Mars realizes she good…really good!

12. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

Molly is sweeping the outside patio of Big Ed’s Hut when Mars comes to eat. Molly practically attacks him again to try to convince him to teach her. Molly gets in an argument with Mars’ waitress, Ginny when she thinks Molly is trying to steal her customer. Ginny asks Molly what she wants with that old man. Molly says he’s not an old man, he’s a choreographer.

MONTAGE

13. INT. ED’S HOUSE – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Molly has broken Mars’ will and he’s agreed to work with her on her dancing. Molly climbs out her bedroom window and onto the patio roof, then jumps to the ground.

14. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – NIGHT

Molly knocks on Mars’ door. He opens and says, Let’s get started.

15. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Molly climbs out her bedroom window onto the patio roof and jumps off onto the ground. She runs towards Mars’ house.

16. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING

Molly practices her dance. She realizes she has to get to school and hurriedly removes her toe shoes. She puts on tennis shoes, grabs her backpack, and runs out the door waving to Mars. Mars waves goodbye to her as she leaves.

17. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT

Molly sneaks in and up the stairs with her backpack and dance bag in tow. She’s being very quiet. Chessie quietly follows Molly into her bedroom.

18. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON

Molly dances but keeps messing up. Mars indicates to do it again. Molly tries again but messes up the dance. Frustrated she yells and stomps her feet. Mars points to do it again! Molly gains her composure and gets into position. She begins again.

END MONTAGE

19. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE EVENING

19.Time has passed. Molly is dancing in Mars’ home studio. They are working on choreography. Mars tells Molly that he called a colleague in NY and got her a virtual audition. Molly is ecstatic but knows Ed will never let her go.

20. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – LATE AFTERNOON CONTINUOUS

Molly’s mom April facetimes her. But April masks where she really is…in a hospital waiting room. Molly wants to know when April is coming to see her. April says she doesn’t know, but she promises it will be soon. Talking to Chessie, Molly calls her a liar after ending the facetime.

21. INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM, BOSTON – LATE AFTERNOON CONTINUOUS

April is called into Dr. Hilty’s office by the nurse.

22. INT. DR. HILTY’S OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON

Dr. Hilty tells April that after reviewing the tests, she has scoliosis, or curvature of the spine. And that she will never dance again. April is stunned. Dr. Hilty explains that because she was a dancer, she probably overcompensated and held herself erect in such a way as to not make it noticeable. He tells her she will need surgery right away and to see the scheduler on the way out.

23. INT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Molly and Ed argue about dancing. Molly says he doesn’t understand. Ed makes it clear, no dancing, no leaving. A storm is raging outside. Molly runs out into the storm. Edgar says he doesn’t know what to do. Jane says to go after her.

24. EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Chessie followed Molly out into the storm. Molly gets hit by a wave and is carried offshore. Chessie barks at her from the edge of the water.

25. EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Ed grabs a life preserver and runs after Molly. Molly is screaming for help. Ed swims out to Molly and pulls her to shore. He picks her up and carries her home.

26. INT. ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Jane meets Molly and Ed at the door with towels. She grabs Molly and wraps a towel around her. Ed exhausted can’t even talk to Molly. He goes upstairs. Molly and Jane talk about their situation and Edgar.

27. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jane is helping Molly get ready for bed after her ordeal. Molly asks Jane why he doesn’t like dancing. At first, Jane resists telling Molly, but finally tells her that his love ran off to be a dancer.

28. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING

It’s time for the virtual audition. Mars has set up the room with a camera and speakers, etc. Molly lies to Mars and tells him that Edgar said it was okay because he felt bad after the storm incident. Molly did her own make-up and hair, and Mars helps her fix it. Molly wears a tutu that Mars has supplied. They record the audition. Molly is exquisite.

29. INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAY

Molly is seated in the back of the classroom. Her head is down looking at her phone under the desk. She’s waiting for Mars to text her about the audition result. Miss Lowe the French teacher catches her. Molly says she’s waiting for an important text. The kids make fun of her.

30. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – AFTERNOON

Molly comes running in from school with her phone in her hand. Jane is in the room and tells her when dinner is. Molly runs up the stairs to her bedroom, slamming the door. Chessie runs behind her but doesn’t make it in time. He scratches at the door and breathes underneath it.

31. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – AFTERNOON

Molly is looking at her phone. She’s ecstatic! She lets Chessie into the room. She dances around him, and he barks. Molly runs to her window to see if she can see Mars down the beach at his house. Molly climbs out onto the porch roof and shimmies down the drainpipe into the sand. She runs down the beach towards Mars’ house. Chessie looks out the window at her.

32. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – AFTERNOON

Molly and Mars are so happy about the audition. Molly worries about Edgar and the fact that her mom isn’t there. Mars confesses that the house isn’t his mom’s and she’s been dead for years. It is in fact his house and it was his boyfriend who passed away. He was afraid she’d judge him. Molly says she’s been around dancers all her life and she understands. And that his mom would be proud of him.

33. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – AFTERNOON

Molly quietly enters shutting the door behind her. She turns around to see Ed sitting there. Molly explains that she got an audition in NYC and she’s going. Edgar says no and he’s found out she’s been sneaking out. Molly screams that he is ruining her life and runs upstairs to her bedroom. Jane tells Edgar she will go talk to Molly, but instead she goes into her bedroom and lies down.

34. INT. JANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Molly, her eyes swollen from crying, goes into Jane’s bedroom. She shyly asks Jane for a needle and thread to sew a ribbon on her tattered toe shoe. Jane takes it and starts to sew it for her. Jane shares her history with Molly’s mom April showing her an old photo. Molly says Edgar treats Chessie better than her. She talks about leaving and upsets Jane who cries. Jane says they need each other.

35. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Molly pulls her small, packed suitcase from under her bed. She ties her toe shoes to the handle. She climbs out onto the patio roof below and throws her suitcase to the ground. Molly hangs over the edge and drops to the ground. She picks up her suitcase and runs toward Mars’ house.

36. INT. KITCHEN – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Jane is at the kitchen window drinking a cup of coffee over the sink. She sees Molly.

37. EXT MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Molly runs up to Mars’ car in his driveway. Mars is putting his suitcase in the car. He grabs Molly’s and puts it in the trunk too. Mars wants to talk to Edgar before they leave, Molly makes an excuse and they drive off.

38. INT. KITCHEN – MORNING

Later, Ed enters the kitchen, grabs a mug and pours himself a cup of coffee. Jane is sitting at the kitchen table. Jane tries to prepare Edgar for what she’s going to say. She tells Edgar that Molly and Mars have left for NYC. She shows Edgar a schedule she found in Molly’s room. Edgar takes off after them.

39. INT. NYC BALLET REHEARSAL ROOM HALLWAY – DAY

Edgar arrives with two cops in tow. He points out Mars and orders the police to arrest him for kidnapping his daughter. Mars provides proof that he had permission from April to drive Molly to NYC. Police leave. Edgar sees Molly dancing. Edgar is stunned. He looks at Mars in disbelief. Mars tells Edgar just how good she is.

40. INT. THEATER LOBBY – NIGHT

After the show, Ed is in a corner of the busy lobby wiping his eyes with a handkerchief. April, Molly’s mom is there and approaches Edgar. They hug and he is surprised by her body brace from her back surgery. They discuss Molly and April asks if she can come live with them now that she cannot dance. Edgar in a moment of weakness says he’ll think about it.

41. INT ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Edgar asks Jane to cut off his hair. Jane cuts off his ponytail and shaves his beard. A rare moment of tenderness between the two.

42. EXT. PATIO BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

Molly and Mars drive up to Big Ed’s just back from NYC. Mars says he wants to tell Edgar what a sensation Molly was, but Molly reveals that he didn’t say she could go. Mars is furious as an ambulance approached and stops in front of the restaurant. Molly goes inside.

43. INT. PATIO BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

The EMTs come down the stairs and go outside. Molly climbs the stairs and sees Edgar on the landing with tears streaming down his face. He points Molly into Jane’s room where she sees Jane has died. In grief, Edgar reveals that he is Molly’s father.

44. EXT. CHURCH GRAVEYARD – DAY

Edgar and Molly are standing near the grave holding hands. April approaches from behind. Molly is still angry at April for abandoning her. April reveals her surgery and this only makes Molly angrier for keeping her in the dark. Molly runs off. April asks again if she can come stay with them. Edgar says he and Molly need to talk.

45. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

Molly and Ed have a big talk about her running off to NYC. Ed apologizes for not seeing that she was an incredible dancer and deserved to follow her dream. Molly apologizes for giving him a hard time and promises to be agreeable from now on. They discuss whether they would be able to forgive April and let her come to stay with them over the restaurant now that Jane is gone.

46. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT

April shows up at the restaurant after closing time. April approaches to give Ed a hug. Ed puts up his hand to stop her. Molly sneaks down the stairs unseen and sits on them to listen. Edgar says there are conditions. She has to be sure that she won’t leave them again…that she really wants this. And she has to make amends to Molly. Molly and April talk. April promises to not leave her again.

47. EXT. MARS’ DRIVEWAY – DAY

It is a month later. Mars, Molly, and Chessie are in Mars’ driveway. His car is packed to the brim. Edgar thanks Mars for taking care of Molly. Mars tells Molly she’s welcome to come to NY to see him and he gives her his information. Molly and Mars say their goodbyes expressing how they helped each other. Mars drives off.

48. INT. ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

April has taken over Jane’s job of administering Edgar’s meds. Afterward, they kiss.

49. INT/EXT. SHED BEHIND RESTAURANT – DAY

April and Ed fixed up and decorated an extra-large shed for Molly. A sign over the door reads, Studio by the Bay. Molly teaches ballet to 3 small girls. April brings them water. Tammy from Molly’s school arrives and asks Molly if she can teach her how to dance for the Sadie Hawkins dance because she wants to ask a boy. Molly says yes and is happy to have made a friend.

50. INT. STUDIO BY THE BAY – EVENING

Molly is dancing around the studio. Tammy arrives and watches her for a minute and is very impressed. Molly tries to teach Tammy how to dance to modern tunes.

51. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – SIDE YARD – MORNING

April and Molly are moving the live crabs from a temporary container to their own containers. Molly has gotten over her fear of them. They discuss how being here is better than not knowing where they were going to stay. But they also discuss dancing on stage and how much they both miss it.

52. INT. ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Edgar asks April if Molly dances as well as he thinks, and she says yes. Molly comes downstairs and leaves her phone on the table while she goes into the kitchen. Edgar gets Mars’ information from her phone and puts it in his phone.

53. EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

A month later. The restaurant is closed for the winter. It’s unseasonably warm. Edgar, April, Molly, and Chessie are all out on the patio. Christmas decorations. April has had her brace removed. Edgar and April present Molly with a new pair of toe shoes for Christmas. Thrilled, Molly puts the shoes on. They hand Molly a letter. It reads that she got into the NYC Ballet program. Edgar tells her that Mars helped him get her into the program. Molly is surprised that Edgar did this for her. Edgar calls her his Chesapeake Girl. Chessie barks. Molly dances around the patio and then onto the beach. Chessie follows her jumping up and down.

NOTE: The red text was not my doing. Sometimes when you paste, lines turn red.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 7 – Find Your Script’s Entertainment Value

Lisa Long’s Scene Ratings

What I learned doing this assignment is it is difficult to clearly rate the scenes for a script you’ve been living with for so long…difficult to be objective. I went with what I felt was correct when I answered the questions.

At the top of your work, post your results. What were your high scenes, your low scenes, and what surprised you?

I have many ideas and plans to improve almost every scene! I made some notes as I went along…mainly for myself. My thought was that a scene can have a 10-entertainment value and still have room for improvement. Maybe I’m wrong?

Chesapeake Girl – BEATS

1. (E10) EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

April, a gypsy dancer drops off her 12-year-old daughter Molly to stay with Edgar, a bearded long-haired guy. Edgar owns Big Ed’s Seafood Hut on the Chesapeake Bay and lives over the restaurant. Molly has a meltdown. Chessie, Edgar’s dog comforts her. Edgar picks Molly up and takes her inside.

2. (E9) INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY CONTINUOUS

2.Molly looks around the restaurant. She hates seafood! Ed introduces Molly to his cook, Jane, who looks over her glasses at Molly. Jane is seventy years old, wise, and protective of Ed for whom she’s worked for decades.

3. (E7) INT. BEDROOM OVER RESTAURANT – DAY CONTINUOUS

(I already have plans to improve this scene)

Jane takes Molly upstairs to see her bedroom.
Chessie tags along. Molly doesn’t want to be there and is still wiping away
tears. Jane explains to Molly that Ed as an ex-military man likes to run a
tight ship. And if Molly has any “female” issues to talk to her. Molly asks
questions as she strokes Chessie. Jane
answers a couple, but then has to go. Even though she’s sad, she’s never had a
room of her own.

4.
(E10) INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN – DAY

Molly comes downstairs and goes
into the kitchen where Jane is working on the dinner courses. Ed interrupts the kitchen talk and tells
Molly that he has a few rules 1. Keep her phone on so he can reach her at all
times. 2. Work in the dining room cleaning tables every day after school. 3. No
dancing. Molly protests! She must
dance! Molly storms up to her room. Jane
suggests that he’s being unreasonable to ask a child not to dance…for she knows
that it is only because the love of his life, April was a dancer who broke his
heart. Ed is in charge. Molly must be subordinate.

5. (E10) INT. ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Ed rolls up his sleeve as Jane gives him some medicine to take. Ed downs the pills. Jane preps his arm and administers the shot. She puts a Band aid on it. Jane asks how Ed is feeling. Ed changes the topic by asking if he’s been too hard on Molly. Jane says to talk to her. Tell her that you can’t bear to be around dancers since April left. Ed is not ready to talk about it. Jane points out that it’s been 12 years. Ed says he’ll tell her soon why he’s anti-dance and about his condition. Jane says it needs to be sooner than later.

6. (E10) INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING CONTINUOUS

6.

Molly is standing in the restaurant disgusted watching the patrons eat crabs. Ed yells at her to wipe down a table. Molly is mad that she’s been forced into child labor. Molly and Ed argue because she doesn’t want to work. Subtext: Molly and Ed are both mad at April.

7. (E9) INT./EXT. RESTAURANT – EVENING CONTINUOUS

7.

Molly reluctantly collects the stinky brown paper full of crab carcasses and takes it outside to the trash dumpster. Bud, the bus boy follows her outside and makes fun of her when she gets crab fluid all over herself. He calls her “Ed’s stinky love child”. Molly tries to physically fight with the bus boy. He laughs at her holding her back at arm’s length. Ed breaks it up. Molly wants to know what Bud meant. Ed goes back inside without answering her.

8. (E10) EXT. BEACH – DAY

8.

8.Molly is with Chessie dancing on the beach when Marshall (Mars for short, a Black man of 32 years old) under an umbrella corrects her jete (a ballet leap). Molly recognizes Mars’ name as a renown choreographer! As Molly dances around Mars’ umbrella, she opens up about being abandoned by her mom. Mars tells Molly about his mother passing away and he came back to the Bay to be alone and grieve. They bond over mom’s and being sad. Instant friends as they discuss Molly’s dream to dance at the NYC Ballet.

9. (E9) EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL TRACK – DAY

Molly’s first week of school. Molly and a group of students are about to run around the track. Susan the gym teacher blows a whistle to start the race.

Molly runs like the wind…and when the spirit moves her, she adds a jete (jump). The kids laugh at her antics and one bully mimics her to make the other kids laugh more. The teacher tells her to cool it if she wants to make friends. Tammy, a nerdy girl tells her to ignore the kids, but when Tammy talks about TikTok dancing, Molly becomes snobby, and Tammy runs off.

10. (E10) INT. ED’S HOUSE – LATE EVENING CONTINUOUS

Molly sneaks out of her bedroom, toe shoes in hand, and runs down the back stairs. Chessie is at the bottom of the stairs and whines.

11. (E9) INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE EVENING CONTINUOUS

Molly goes to Mars’ house to try and convince him to work with her on audition material. He resists as he’s taking a sabbatical from dance. Molly discovers that he has a dance studio on the side porch of the house. Molly insists on dancing for him. Problem arises when Mars realizes she good…really good!

12. (E10) EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

Molly is sweeping the outside patio of Big Ed’s Hut when Mars comes to eat. Molly practically attacks him again to try to convince him to teach her. Molly gets in an argument with Mars’ waitress, Ginny when she thinks Molly is trying to steal her customer. Ginny asks Molly what she wants with that old man. Molly says he’s not an old man, he’s a choreographer.

MONTAGE

13. (E10) INT. ED’S HOUSE – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Molly has broken Mars’ will and he’s agreed to work with her on her dancing. Molly climbs out her bedroom window and onto the patio roof, then jumps to the ground.

14. (E10) INT. MARS’ HOUSE – NIGHT

Molly knocks on Mars’ door. He opens and says, Let’s get started.

15. (E10) EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Molly climbs out her bedroom window onto the patio roof and jumps off onto the ground. She runs towards Mars’ house.

16. (E10) INT. MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING

Molly practices her dance. She realizes she has to get to school and hurriedly removes her toe shoes. She puts on tennis shoes, grabs her backpack, and runs out the door waving to Mars. Mars waves goodbye to her as she leaves.

17. (E10) EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT

Molly sneaks in and up the stairs with her backpack and dance bag in tow. She’s being very quiet. Chessie quietly follows Molly into her bedroom.

18. (E10) INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON

Molly dances but keeps messing up. Mars indicates to do it again. Molly tries again but messes up the dance. Frustrated she yells and stomps her feet. Mars points to do it again! Molly gains her composure and gets into position. She begins again.

END MONTAGE

19. (E8) INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE EVENING

19.Time has passed. Molly is dancing in Mars’ home studio. They are working on choreography. Mars tells Molly that he called a colleague in NY and got her a virtual audition. Molly is ecstatic but knows Ed will never let her go.

20. (E10) INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – LATE AFTERNOON CONTINUOUS

Molly’s mom April facetimes her. But April masks where she really is…in a hospital waiting room. Molly wants to know when April is coming to see her. April says she doesn’t know, but she promises it will be soon. Talking to Chessie, Molly calls her a liar after ending the facetime.

21. (E10) INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM, BOSTON – LATE AFTERNOON CONTINUOUS

April is called into Dr. Hilty’s office by the nurse.

22. (E10) INT. DR. HILTY’S OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON

Dr. Hilty tells April that after reviewing the tests, she has scoliosis, or curvature of the spine. And that she will never dance again. April is stunned. Dr. Hilty explains that because she was a dancer, she probably overcompensated and held herself erect in such a way as to not make it noticeable. He tells her she will need surgery right away and to see the scheduler on the way out.

23. (E9) INT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Molly and Ed argue about dancing. Molly says he doesn’t understand. Ed makes it clear, no dancing, no leaving. A storm is raging outside. Molly runs out into the storm. Edgar says he doesn’t know what to do. Jane says to go after her.

24. (E10) EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Chessie followed Molly out into the storm. Molly gets hit by a wave and is carried offshore. Chessie barks at her from the edge of the water.

25. (E10) EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Ed grabs a life preserver and runs after Molly. Molly is screaming for help. Ed swims out to Molly and pulls her to shore. He picks her up and carries her home.

26. (E9) INT. ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Jane meets Molly and Ed at the door with towels. She grabs Molly and wraps a towel around her. Ed exhausted can’t even talk to Molly. He goes upstairs. Molly and Jane talk about their situation and Edgar.

27. (E9) INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jane is helping Molly get ready for bed after her ordeal. Molly asks Jane why he doesn’t like dancing. At first, Jane resists telling Molly, but finally tells her that his love ran off to be a dancer.

28. (E10) INT. MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING

It’s time for the virtual audition. Mars has set up the room with a camera and speakers, etc. Molly lies to Mars and tells him that Edgar said it was okay because he felt bad after the storm incident. Molly did her own make-up and hair, and Mars helps her fix it. Molly wears a tutu that Mars has supplied. They record the audition. Molly is exquisite.

29. (E9) INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAY

Molly is seated in the back of the classroom. Her head is down looking at her phone under the desk. She’s waiting for Mars to text her about the audition result. Miss Lowe the French teacher catches her. Molly says she’s waiting for an important text. The kids make fun of her.

30. (E8) INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – AFTERNOON

Molly comes running in from school with her phone in her hand. Jane is in the room and tells her when dinner is. Molly runs up the stairs to her bedroom, slamming the door. Chessie runs behind her but doesn’t make it in time. He scratches at the door and breathes underneath it.

31. (E10) INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – AFTERNOON

Molly is looking at her phone. She’s ecstatic! She lets Chessie into the room. She dances around him, and he barks. Molly runs to her window to see if she can see Mars down the beach at his house. Molly climbs out onto the porch roof and shimmies down the drainpipe into the sand. She runs down the beach towards Mars’ house. Chessie looks out the window at her.

32. (E10) INT. MARS’ HOUSE – AFTERNOON

Molly and Mars are so happy about the audition. Molly worries about Edgar and the fact that her mom isn’t there. Mars confesses that the house isn’t his mom’s and she’s been dead for years. It is in fact his house and it was his boyfriend who passed away. He was afraid she’d judge him. Molly says she’s been around dancers all her life and she understands. And that his mom would be proud of him.

33. (E10) INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – AFTERNOON

(This scene is going to be moved further into the story to keep Edgar in the dark longer)

Molly quietly enters shutting the door behind her. She turns around to see Ed sitting there. Molly explains that she got an audition in NYC and she’s going. Edgar says no and he’s found out she’s been sneaking out. Molly screams that he is ruining her life and runs upstairs to her bedroom. Jane tells Edgar she will go talk to Molly, but instead she goes into her bedroom and lies down.

34. (E8) INT. JANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

(I have plans to re-write this scene, but the feeling will be the same)

Molly, her eyes swollen from crying, goes into Jane’s bedroom. She shyly asks Jane for a needle and thread to sew a ribbon on her tattered toe shoe. Jane takes it and starts to sew it for her. Jane shares history of herself and Molly’s mom April showing her an old photo. Molly says Edgar treats Chessie better than her. She talks about leaving and upsets Jane who cries. Jane says they need each other.

35. (E10) INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Molly pulls her small, packed suitcase from under her bed. She ties her toe shoes to the handle. She climbs out onto the patio roof below and throws her suitcase to the ground. Molly hangs over the edge and drops to the ground. She picks up her suitcase and runs toward Mars’ house.

36. (E10) INT. KITCHEN – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Jane is at the kitchen window drinking a cup of coffee over the sink. She sees Molly.

37. (E10) EXT MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Molly runs up to Mars’ car in his driveway. Mars is putting his suitcase in the car. He grabs Molly’s and puts it in the trunk too. Mars wants to talk to Edgar before they leave, Molly makes an excuse and they drive off.

38. (E9) INT. KITCHEN – MORNING

Later, Ed enters the kitchen, grabs a mug and pours himself a cup of coffee. Jane is sitting at the kitchen table. Jane tries to prepare Edgar for what she’s going to say. She tells Edgar that Molly and Mars have left for NYC. She shows Edgar a schedule she found in Molly’s room. Edgar takes off after them.

39. (E7) INT. NYC BALLET THEATER – EVENING

(This NYC sequence will change. It will be a rehearsal space that Edgar infiltrates instead of a performance)

Ed enters the theater lobby with two police officers in tow. They try to run past the ropes but are stopped by an usher looking for tickets. Ed gets into the theater and sees Molly on stage for the first time. He is stunned! He cries. He calls off the police.

40. (E7) INT. THEATER LOBBY – NIGHT

(Have plan to rewrite this scene or remove it all together so Edgar is kept in the dark longer)

After the show, Ed is in a corner of the busy lobby wiping his eyes with a handkerchief. April, Molly’s mom is there and approaches Edgar. They hug and he is surprised by her body brace from her back surgery. They discuss Molly and April asks if she can come live with them now that she cannot dance. Edgar in a moment of weakness says he’ll think about it.

41. (E9) INT ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Edgar asks Jane to cut off his hair. Jane cuts off his ponytail and shaves his beard. A rare moment of tenderness between the two.

42. (E10) EXT. PATIO BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

Molly and Mars drive up to Big Ed’s just back from NYC. Mars says he wants to tell Edgar what a sensation Molly was, but Molly reveals that he didn’t say she could go. Mars is furious as an ambulance approached and stops in front of the restaurant. Molly goes inside.

43. (E10) INT. PATIO BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

The EMTs come down the stairs and go outside. Molly climbs the stairs and sees Edgar on the landing with tears streaming down his face. He points Molly into Jane’s room where she sees Jane has died. In grief, Edgar reveals that he is Molly’s father.

44. (E10) EXT. CHURCH GRAVEYARD – DAY

Edgar and Molly are standing near the grave holding hands. April approaches from behind. Molly is still angry at April for abandoning her. April reveals her surgery and this only makes Molly angrier for keeping her in the dark. Molly runs off. April asks again if she can come stay with them. Edgar says he and Molly need to talk.

45. (E8) INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

(Planning to improve this scene through the dialogue)

Molly and Ed have a big talk about her running off to NYC. Ed apologizes for not seeing that she was an incredible dancer and deserved to follow her dream. Molly apologizes for giving him a hard time and promises to be agreeable from now on. They discuss whether they would be able to forgive April and let her come to stay with them over the restaurant now that Jane is gone.

46. (E8) INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT

(I have changes planned for this scene)

April shows up at the restaurant after closing time. April approaches to give Ed a hug. Ed puts up his hand to stop her. Molly sneaks down the stairs unseen and sits on them to listen. Edgar says there are conditions. She has to be sure that she won’t leave them again…that she really wants this. And she has to make amends to Molly. Molly and April talk. April promises to not leave her again.

47. (E9) EXT. MARS’ DRIVEWAY – DAY

It is a month later. Mars, Molly, and Chessie are in Mars’ driveway. His car is packed to the brim. Edgar thanks Mars for taking care of Molly. Mars tells Molly she’s welcome to come to NY to see him and he gives her his information. Molly and Mars say their goodbyes expressing how they helped each other. Mars drives off.

48. (E5) INT. ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

(This scene may be changed or removed)

April has taken over Jane’s job of administering Edgar’s meds. Afterward, they kiss.

49. (E8) INT/EXT. SHED BEHIND RESTAURANT – DAY

April and Ed fixed up and decorated an extra-large shed for Molly. A sign over the door reads, Studio by the Bay. Molly teaches ballet to 3 small girls. April brings them water. Tammy from Molly’s school arrives and asks Molly if she can teach her how to dance for the Sadie Hawkins dance because she wants to ask a boy. Molly says yes and is happy to have made a friend.

50. (E9) INT. STUDIO BY THE BAY – EVENING

Molly is dancing around the studio. Tammy arrives and watches her for a minute and is very impressed. Molly tries to teach Tammy how to dance to modern tunes.

51. (E8) INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – KITCHEN – MORNING

(Need to rewrite this scene)

April and Molly are working in the kitchen. They discuss how they miss traveling and especially performing in front of an audience.

52. (E9) INT. ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Edgar asks April if Molly dances as well as he thinks and she says yes. Molly comes downstairs and leaves her phone on the table while she goes into the kitchen. Edgar gets Mars’ information from her phone and puts it in his phone.

53. (E9) EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

(Have plans to rewrite this scene and add a tie back to the title by having Edgar call Molly “Chesapeake girl”; Chessie gets jealous and barks because she thinks she’s the Chesapeake girl)

It’s a month later. The restaurant is closed today. Edgar, Molly, Chessie, and April are all out on the patio. April had her brace removed. Edgar and April present Molly with a new pair of toe shoes. She is so surprised and thrilled. Then they tell her that they contacted Mars in NY and he pulled some strings to get her into the NYC Ballet school. Molly puts on her toe shoes and dances on the beach.

THE END

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 6 – Introduce Characters Powerfully

Lisa Long’s Character Intros

What I learned doing this assignment is that there are endless possibilities to change up characters and scenes. And it is difficult to know which is the best choice.

Create new introductions for your two lead characters.

CURRENT CHARACTER BEATS

MOLLY

· In the back seat is a 12-year-old MOLLY clutching a small suitcase with an old pair of ballerina toe shoes attached.

· Molly slowly opens the car door and takes her suitcase.

· Molly slowly walks toward the restaurant then turns around.

· Molly pleads with her mom not to leave her! Molly cries. April jumps in the car and Kurt takes off. Molly runs after the car down the road. Teary-eyed April waves goodbye.

· Molly running, falls in the middle of the road as the car drives out of sight. Molly lies in the sandy dirt, crying. A Chesapeake Bay Retriever DOG runs up behind her and licks her hand. She looks up at him through her tears. Then she sits up and hugs the DOG. Edgar comes up behind her and takes her suitcase.

· Molly stands up and looks around. She wipes the tears from her face and walks toward the restaurant. “She’ll be back!”

EDGAR

· EDGAR, 69 years old with a ponytail and a beard, comes out of the restaurant and stands on the porch.

· April, Molly’s mom does all the talking. Edgar stares at her while she speaks.

· Edgar nods. As April gives Edgar a hug, he slips some cash into her hand.

· Edgar looks annoyed. (With April)

· Edgar comes up behind her (Molly) and takes her suitcase.

· Molly marches past Edgar. Edgar turns and follows.

· Edgar says, “Why do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t want you?” Molly says, “What?!” Edgar says “Never mind. Come on” They enter the restaurant.

DIFFERENT TYPE OF INTRODUCTION

Action shows primary traits.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>BEATS FOR EACH NEW<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> CHARACTER INTRODUCTION

MOLLY – New Beats

· In the back seat is a 12-year-old MOLLY clutching a small suitcase with an old pair of ballerina toe shoes attached.

· Molly refuses to get out of the car.

· She yells at April that she is not staying here!

· April says they talked about this and orders her to get out of the car.

· April drags Molly out of the car as Molly screams.

· Edgar comes over and introduces himself to Molly. He takes her suitcase.

· Molly cries in her mom’s arms.

· April explains that she needs to go to school, and Edgar will take care of her. April jumps in the car and drives off.

· Molly stands in the road crying.

· Edgar takes her hand and leads her into the front door.

EDGAR – New Beats

· EDGAR, 69 years old with a ponytail and a beard, comes out of the restaurant and stands on the porch.

· Edgar is clearly nervous. He says to April that maybe this isn’t a good idea. April assures Edgar that it’s only temporary and Molly will be no trouble.

· Edgar nods. As April gives Edgar a hug, he slips some cash into her hand.

· Edgar is annoyed that April has put him in this situation. He tells April “Well, it’s not like I could say no”.

· Edgar takes Molly’s suitcase.

· Edgar takes Molly’s hand and leads her to the front door.

· Edgar says, “Why do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t want you?” Molly says, “What?!” Edgar says “Never mind. Come on” They enter the restaurant.

Write a scene that introduces at least one of those characters using the results from #2 and #3.

NEW OPENING SCENE – Introduction of three main characters

EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

Open on a two-story house on the shore of the Chesapeake Bay in Virginia. On one side is a gravel road with tall reeds lining it and a gravel parking area adjacent to the house. On the bay side is a beach. The first floor of the house is a seafood restaurant with a sign on the front “Big Ed’s Seafood Hut”. The residents live over the restaurant.

A CAR races along the gravel road towards the restaurant. Through the car window we see APRIL, a woman of about 35 sitting in the front seat next to KURT driving. In the back seat is a 12-year-old MOLLY clutching a small suitcase with an old pair of ballerina toe shoes attached. The CAR pulls over onto the gravel parking area and stops short.

APRIL

(Turning around)

We’re here, honey.

Molly remains quiet.

APRIL

Molly?

MOLLY

No mom. I’m not staying here!

APRIL

Molly, get out of the car.

MOLLY

No!

APRIL

Molly, you’re embarrassing me. Get out now.

Molly doesn’t move.

EDGAR, 69 with a beard and ponytail is standing on the porch watching this exchange. He slowly walks across the gravel parking area.

APRIL

Edgar. How are you?

EDGAR

April.

APRIL

(Quietly) Seems Molly doesn’t want to get out of the car.

EDGAR

Can you blame her? You’re just dropping her off here.

APRIL

Come on, you know what’s going on. Can you help? Please.

Edgar goes over to the car and leans down to Molly.

EDGAR

Hi Molly. I’m Edgar, but most call me Ed. How about we go inside and meet my dog Chessie.

Molly just stares at him through her tears.

April grabs Molly’s suitcase and gives it to Edgar.

Molly gets out of the car but runs to April and throws her arms around her.

MOLLY

Mom don’t do this to me.

April leans down.

APRIL

We talked about this. Ed will take good care of you.

MOLLY

How do you know?

APRIL

I just know. You’ll have fun here. There’s a beach and you can go to school and make some friends.

MOLLY

I want to be with you.

APRIL

I’ll come see you, don’t worry.

MOLLY

When, mom?

APRIL

I’ve got to go. You go with Ed.

Edgar takes Molly’s hand and leads her away from the car. Molly sobs. April jumps in the car and it drives off.

EDGAR (to himself)

Why do you want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you?

MOLLY

What?!

EDGAR

Nothing. Let’s go meet Chessie.

Molly and Edgar enter the restaurant.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 5 – Elevate Your Characters’ Stories

Lisa Long’s Character Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment is that characters and story are a work in progress throughout all the drafts.

Take your top five characters through Character Beats.

Protagonist

Character Profile: MOLLY

Core Character Traits:

· Afraid – fear that she will not be taken care of or fit in or make a friend.

· Angry – angry at her mother for abandoning her. Angry at her father for never being in her life before.

· Secretive – she keeps secrets from everyone in her life.

· Sneaky – because Edgar has forbidden her to dance, she sneaks around to do it.

Character Subtext Logline: Hiding something, Lying. Molly is scared in her new surroundings but tries to hide it.

OPTIONAL:

Flaw – Overdoing things, Poor decision making

Want/Need – Wants to stay with her mother and be a dancer in The Nutcracker at the New York City Ballet.

Mission/Agenda – Must dance at the NYC Ballet.

Character Arc (if any) – Scared and abandoned to unafraid and free of the burden of her past.

Life Metaphor/Identity – Dancing is life!

Secret – She lies to Mars about permission and to Edgar about dancing.

Beginning: Abandoned by her mother in a strange place with people she’s never met. Molly obsessed with dance is told she mustn’t dance but work instead.

Middle: Molly meets a choreographer whom she pesters into helping her get into the NYC Ballet. She lies and sneaks out to practice dance, then runs away to NYC for final audition.

End: Molly makes up with Edgar & they mourn Jane’s passing together. Her mother comes to live with them. Molly teaches dance for a while. Her parents surprise her with new toe shoes and the news that she has been accepted in the NYC Ballet program.

Molly’s Beats:

Act 1 – Molly is abandoned to live with Edgar who declares no dancing! Has to work in the restaurant and go to school. Meets choreographer Mars.

Act 2 – Molly sneaks around to dance with Mars. Mars films an audition for Molly and she gets a second audition.

Act 3 – Molly goes to NYC with Mars for in person audition. When she returns Jane has died. She mourns with Edgar. She and Edgar discuss April’s possible return.

Act 4 – April returns and Molly must forgive. Molly teaches dance for a while but misses performing. For Christmas she gets new toe shoes. And receives an invitation from the NYC Ballet to join their dance program.

Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.

I will change the beginning to show more of the devastation Molly feels when abandoned by her mother without explanation. I need to work on the relationship of Molly with Mars.

Antagonist

Character Profile: EDGAR

Core Character Traits:

· Panicked – he has to figure out what to do with this little girl he doesn’t know or how to treat her.

· Shy – Edgar is innately shy and struggles to find words and open up to people.

· Angry – he is angry that April left him because she wanted fame and he wanted to stay put and run the restaurant. He takes it out on others sometimes.

· Covering Up – Ed is covering up that he is still in love with April. He cries at night alone in his room because she was the love of his life.

Character Subtext Logline: Afraid to say, Withholding; Edgar hides his anger at April and takes it out on Molly. Edgar puts on the strong, silent type act, but inside he is mushy and scared.

OPTIONAL:

Flaw – Says the wrong thing, Undervalues themselves

Want/Need – Ed wants April, Molly’s mother back but fears it’s too late for him. He will use Molly to try to get April to return.

Character Arc (if any) – Edgar is a broken man who must find a way to open up. He has a powerful character arc.

Secret – He is Molly’s father.

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves – Edgar has eventually admits that he is wrong about Molly’s obsession.

Beginning: Edgar doesn’t know how to relate to a young girl when Molly comes to stay with him. He forbids Molly to dance because dance broke up his relationship. He requires Molly to go to school and work in his restaurant.

Middle: Edgar has a chronic illness. He finds out that Molly and Mars went to NYC and he goes after them. Confronts Mars who got permission from April to take Molly to NY. Sees Molly dance and it changes his mind about her dancing because she’s brilliant.

End: Jane dies and Edgar mourns with Molly. April asks him to return. He discusses it with Molly and they decide yes but with conditions. He fixes up a shed for Molly to teach dance. He realizes Molly won’t be happy unless she’s performing. He contacts Mars in NY and gets him to help Molly. At Christmas, Edgar and April give Molly a new pair of toe shoes. And a letter saying she got into the NYC Ballet program.

Edgar’s Beats:

Act 1 – Edgar sets down the rules around his place. Has little patience with or knowledge of a young girl.

Act 2 – Edgar has a chronic illness that Jane helps him with.

Act 3 – Edgar goes after Molly & Mars when they go to NYC for the in-person audition. He confronts Mars but Mars produces proof that April gave him permission to take Molly. Edgar sees Molly dance for the first time and is stunned. He realizes he has been wrong about squashing her dream.

Act 4 – April asks Edgar if she can come back. He eventually says yes with conditions. Edgar fixes up a shed for Molly to teach dance. Edgar contacts Mars. At Christmas, Edgar and April give Molly toe shoes and a letter that informs them that she got into the NYC Ballet.

Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.

I will work on adding how Edgar takes his anger at April and out on Molly. Need to work on Edgar’s overall subtext to show more of what he’s going through. Will add a more powerful confrontation scene between Edgar and Mars.

Connecting character

Character Profile: APRIL

Core Character Traits:

a. Dreamer – has always believed that her dreams can come true, even though they never have.

b. Transient – doesn’t like to stay in one place because she gets bored…with the place and the people.

c. Foolish – she doesn’t make wise choices for herself.

d. Caring – she does love her daughter but isn’t sure she can take care of her.

Character Subtext Logline: Plotting

OPTIONAL:

Flaw – Poor decision making

Want/Need – Wants Molly to have a permanent residence and go to school. April thinks she’s doing what is best for Molly.

Character Arc (if any) – April has to learn to deal with the fact that she has to give up the career that she loves so much.

Secret – April doesn’t tell anyone she’s getting surgery on her back and can never dance again.

Beginning: April drops her daughter off at Edgar’s.

Middle: April finds out she can never dance again and has back surgery.

End: April asks to come back to live with him and Molly. She has to agree to conditions. She and Edgar build out a shed for Molly to teach dance. At Christmas, April and Edgar give Molly new toe shoes and a letter telling her she got into the NYC Ballet program.

April’s Beats:

Act 1 – Drops Molly at Edgar’s and takes off.

Act 2 – April facetimes with Molly not telling her she has to have back surgery and can never dance again.

Act 3 – April comes to Jane’s funeral. Asks Edgar to return to live with him and Molly.

Act 4 – April moves in with Edgar and Molly agreeing to conditions. She and Edgar fix up a shed so Molly can teach dance. She conspires with Edgar and Mars to get Molly into the NYC Ballet program.

Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.

I’ve already added an extra scene showing more of April’s journey.

Supporting character for Protagonist

Character Profile: MARS

Core Character Traits:

a. Fragile – he recognizes his fragile state and that is why he is hiding out from people at the Bay.

b. Sarcastic – how he deals with people.

c. Kind – he tries to be kind to everyone.

d. Empathetic – he feels for Molly and her situation.

Character Subtext Logline: Withholding and being polite

OPTIONAL:

Flaw – Overdoing things

Want/Need – Wants to be left alone to grieve. He decides Molly can help him as he helps her.

Character Arc (if any) – By helping someone else, he helps himself and is able to return to his city life.

Secret – Mars is hiding out from his friends and dance family.

What makes this character unique? A renown black man choreographer.

Beginning: Mars meets Molly on the beach and corrects her toe point while she’s dancing. When asked if he will teach her he says no. He’s there mourning his mom’s death.

Middle: Mars gives in to Molly’s pestering and begins working with her on audition material. He gets Molly a virtual audition. Then when called for a second in-person audition takes her to NYC.

End: Mars come clean and tells Molly that it wasn’t his mom, but his boyfriend that died. And that by helping her, he’s able to get back to his life. He returns to NYC.

Mars’ Beats:

Act 1 – Mars is at the Bay to mourn his mom’s death. Meets Molly and refuses to help her with her dance dream.

Act 2 – After being pestered, Mars agrees to teach dance to Molly at his house. He gets Molly a virtual audition and films it for her.

Act 3 – Mars gets permission from April to take Molly to NYC, but Edgar doesn’t know that. Mars and Edgar confront each other in NY.

Act 4 – Mars brings Molly back to the Bay. He comes clean and tells Molly the person who died was his boyfriend, not his mom. One month later he’s packed up and goes back to NYC to resume his life.

Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.

I plan on adding a scene to show Mars’ grief through dance. Need to see more evidence of how Molly changes him. Will add a more powerful confrontation scene between Edgar and Mars.

Supporting character for Antagonist

Character Profile: JANE

Core Character Traits:

· Caring: She loves Edgar and learns to love Molly too. She wants them to love each other, so she can die peacefully without worrying about them.

· Covering Up: Doesn’t tell anyone that she knows her health is fading.

Character Subtext Logline: Withholding. Jane is tired but pushes through so no one suspects she’s ill.

OPTIONAL:

Flaw – Reflects other feelings but masks hers.

Want/Need – Wants Edgar and Molly to support each other for when she’s gone.

Mission/Agenda – Jane speaks the truth when others are afraid to do so. She gives support to those hurting. She softens Edgar’s anger.

Character Arc (if any)

Secret – She knows she’s on her way out but doesn’t acknowledge it.

Beginning: Jane has been cooking at Big Ed’s Seafood Hut for decades. Edgar asks her to help Molly get settled in.

Middle: Jane encourages Edgar to go easier on Molly. And she encourages Molly to be more patient with Edgar. Jane tries to empower each of them to be themselves.

End: Jane dies. She leaves Molly a note that only says “Molly, Shine”.

Jane’s Beats:

Act 1 – At first, Jane is a little irritated that with all her work in the restaurant she now has to care for a young girl. But she gets Molly settled. She assists Edgar by administering his medicine from a chronic illness.

Act 3 – Jane tells Edgar to ease up on Molly. And she tells Molly to ease up on Edgar. Also, she tells Molly about April and Edgar.

Act 4 – Jane dies after leaving Molly a note that just says: “Molly, Shine”.

Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.

I need to figure out how to more strongly express Jane’s wisdom and impact on all the other characters. This may come with wordsmithing at the end.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 10 – Lesson 11 Exchange Critiques On Your Pitches

Lisa Long’s 4 Pitches – Draft 1

Elevator
Pitch

I’m working on a coming-of-age drama about a 12-year-old dancer who is abandoned by her mother to live with a man she’s never met.

Phone
Pitch

Hi, I’m Lisa Long and I’m wondering if I could run a quick concept by you?

I have a coming-of-age drama about a 12-year-old girl who is obsessed with being a dancer and is abandoned by her mother with a man she doesn’t know to live over his seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay. It’s titled Chesapeake Girl. I grew up near the Bay before attending NYU Film school, so it’s an area I know well.

Pitch
Fest Pitch

1. Tell us your credibility.

Sold one full-length feature.

2. Tell us your genre and title.

GENRE: Drama

TITLE: Chesapeake Girl

3. What is your one or two sentence hook?

12-year-old Molly is abandoned by her dancing gypsy mother to live with Edgar, the owner of Big Ed’s Seafood Hut on the Chesapeake Bay, but whom she has never met!

4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:

· What is the budget range?

I wrote this script to enter into the Virginia Screenwriting Competition in which the script has to take place in Virginia. I imagine a budget of $5-$15 million since the majority of it takes place in one locale.

· What actors do you like for the lead roles?

Molly – A Maddie Ziegler type, but younger. She has to be a dancer/actress.

Edgar – While writing the character I pictured Sam Shepard, a strong, silent type. But since I need a living actor: Dermot Mulroney

Jane – Loretta Devine

April – Amy Adams

· Give the acts of the story.

Act 1:

· Opening – A speeding car pulls up outside Big Ed’s Seafood Hut on the Chesapeake Bay and a woman April gets out. She pulls her daughter Molly out of the car against her will. Molly is left with Edgar, her father, but Molly doesn’t know that. Molly chases after the car as it speeds away. Molly has traveled with her dance gypsy mom all her life, now she has to find a way to survive in a new place with a father she doesn’t know and without her mom.

· Inciting Incident – Molly’s purpose in life is to dance and she’ll do whatever she can to continue. But Edgar says no to dancing. Instead, Edgar makes Molly wipe tables and serve crabs in the restaurant, but she doesn’t want to work. They fight over it.

· Turning Point – On the beach, Molly meets Mars a renown choreographer. Mars is staying at the beach to mourn the recent passing of his partner, although he tells Molly it’s his mom who passed. He has given up choreography for the time being because it reminds him too much of his dancer partner.

Act 2:

· New plan – Mars decides to help Molly reach her dream of dancing in the NYC Ballet. Every day after Edgar and the cook, Jane go to bed after the dinner service, Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to practice dance.

· Plan in action –Mars calls a contact in NYC and gets Molly a virtual audition.

· Midpoint Turning Point – A hurricane blows into the area. Edgar and Molly argue about dance, and he forbids her to do it. Molly runs out and gets swept up in the surf. Edgar saves Molly from the bay and carries her home in the storm.

Act 3:

· Rethink everything – It’s time to go to NYC for an in-person audition. Molly lies to Mars by telling him that Edgar said it was okay for her to go with him to NYC…that he had a change of heart after he saved her from the storm.

· New plan – Mars wants to talk to Edgar before they go, but Molly makes excuses, and they take off for NYC. Jane sees Molly leave with Mars.

· Turning Point – Jane tells Edgar that Molly left with Mars. Edgar goes after them. He contacts the police.

Act 4:

· Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Edgar goes to NYC to bring Molly back. He runs into the theater rehearsal space hallway with the police. Molly is in the rehearsal room dancing. Edgar accuses Mars of kidnapping. Mars produces permission from Molly’s mom April allowing him to bring her to NYC. Edgar calls off the cops. Edgar cries as he sees Molly dance through the rehearsal room window. She’s exquisite, even for 12. When they hug, Edgar finds out that she has scoliosis and can no longer dance.

When Molly arrives home, Jane has died. Edgar and Molly mourn together. At the funeral, April shows up and reveals that she has scoliosis and can never dance again. She wants to return to live with Molly and Edgar. Molly is angry and runs off. Edgar says he will talk to Molly and they will decide together.

· Resolution – A month later, Mars says goodbye to Molly and returns to NYC to start again. Edgar and April have built out a large shed for Molly to teach dance to younger girls. She has 3 students. Tammy from school comes by and asks Molly to teach her how to dance for the Sadie Hawkins dance which she does. Molly and April discuss how they miss performing, but finally are a family. Edgar and April secretly make a plan. They give Molly a new pair of toe shoes. And the big news is that they contacted Mars and he helped them get her a spot in the NYC Ballet school. Molly dances on the beach to celebrate!

· How does it end? (setup / payoff)

Ends with Edgar and April giving Molly a new pair of toe shoes and telling her they have arranged with Mars for her to attend the NYC Ballet school. Molly dances on the beach in celebration.

· Credibility questions What have you done?

I attended NYU Film school where Patrick Dempsey starred in my final film. I studied screenwriting with Oscar winner, Pamela Wallace (Witness). I have completed 2 scripts – 1 full-length, 1 short. I have 3 new scripts in various stages. I have taken the ProSeries, Writing Incredible Movies, and Professional Rewrite classes from Screenwriting U.

Query
Letter

Lisa’s Query Letter – CHESAPEAKE GIRL, DRAMA

Dear producer,

12-year-old Molly is abandoned by her dancing gypsy mother to live with Edgar, the owner of Big Ed’s Seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay, but whom she has never met.

Molly is singularly obsessed with one big dream, dancing! Edgar has declared no dancing, only going to school, and working in his restaurant.

A chance meeting with a renown choreographer, has Molly pestering him to help her get to the NYC Ballet. When he finally agrees, she has to sneak out to practice with him.

April, Molly’s dancing mom has scoliosis and finds out she can never dance again. She wants to return to the Bay. But can Molly forgive her?

Molly runs off to NY to audition for the NYC Ballet with the choreographer. Edgar runs after them. But while he’s there he sees Molly dance, stunned by her talent.

After the death of Edgar’s elderly cook, Molly and Edgar come together to mourn. Edgar reveals he is actually her father. April returns with conditions.

Let’s see if Molly makes it to the NYC Ballet, or if she stays put to be part of a newfound family?

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you “Chesapeake Girl”.

All the best,

Lisa Long

(Contact information)

BIO: Graduate of NYU Film, I have sold one full-length feature.

Email: llongmolly@gmail.com

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 10 Lesson 10 – How to Target Your Market

Lisa Long’s Target Market

What I learned doing this assignment is that it takes time to look up contacts in IMDB, several clicks and then most of the time the information is not there. Hopefully, the time will pay off by having a list of contacts that are willing to have someone reach out to them by placing their information on their page. It is an important part of setting myself up for success by knowing who to contact.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 4 – Discover Your Characters

Lisa Long’s Character Profiles

What I learned doing this assignment is that creating character profiles helps informs how the characters will develop and arc.

1. List your logline.

A 12-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her mother to live with a father she’s never known above his restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay, giving up her dream to dance in NYC.

2. Create a Character Profile for each of your top five characters.
Include two required items and at least two optional items.

REQUIRED:

Role: MOLLY

Core Character Traits:

· Afraid – fear that she will not be taken care of or fit in or make a friend.

· Angry – angry at her mother for abandoning her. Angry at her father for never being in her life before.

· Secretive – she keeps secrets from everyone in her life.

· Sneaky – because Edgar has forbidden her to dance, she sneaks around to do it.

Character Subtext Logline: Hiding something, Lying. Molly is scared in her new surroundings but tries to hide it.

OPTIONAL:

Flaw – Overdoing things, Poor decision making

Want/Need – Wants to stay with her mother and be a dancer in The Nutcracker at the New York City Ballet.

Mission/Agenda – Must dance at the NYC Ballet.

Character Arc (if any) – Scared and abandoned to unafraid and free of the burden of her past.

World View

Life Metaphor/Identity – Dancing is life!

Secret – She lies to Mars about permission and to Edgar about dancing.

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves.

What makes this character unique?

REQUIRED:

Role: EDGAR

Core Character Traits:

· Panicked – he has to figure out what to do with this little girl he doesn’t know or how to treat her.

· Shy – Edgar is innately shy and struggles to find words and open up to people.

· Angry – he is angry that April left him because she wanted fame and he wanted to stay put and run the restaurant. He takes it out on others sometimes.

· Covering Up – Ed is covering up that he is still in love with April. He cries at night alone in his room because she was the love of his life.

Character Subtext Logline: Afraid to say, withholding; Edgar hides his anger at April and takes it out on Molly. Edgar puts on the strong, silent type act, but inside he is mushy and scared.

OPTIONAL:

Flaw – Says the wrong thing, Undervalues themselves.

Want/Need – Ed wants April, Molly’s mother back but fears it’s too late for him. He will use Molly to try to get April to return.

Mission/Agenda

Character Arc (if any) – Edgar is a broken man who must find a way to open up. He has a powerful character arc.

World View

Life Metaphor/Identity

Secret – He is Molly’s father.

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves – Edgar has eventually admits that he is wrong about Molly’s obsession.

What makes this character unique?

REQUIRED:

Role: JANE

Core Character Traits:

· Caring: She loves Edgar and learns to love Molly too. She wants them to love each other, so she can die peacefully without worrying about them.

· Covering Up: Doesn’t tell anyone that she knows her health is fading.

Character Subtext Logline: Withholding. Jane is tired but pushes through so no one suspects she’s ill.

OPTIONAL:

Flaw – Reflects other feelings but masks hers.

Want/Need – Wants Edgar and Molly to support each other for when she’s gone.

Mission/Agenda – Jane speaks the truth when others are afraid to do so. She gives support to those hurting. She softens Edgar’s anger.

Character Arc (if any)

World View

Life Metaphor/Identity

Secret – She knows she’s on her way out but doesn’t acknowledge it.

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves

What makes this character unique?

REQUIRED:

Role: APRIL

Core Character Traits:

a. Dreamer – has always believed that her dreams can come true, even though they never have.

b. Transient – doesn’t like to stay in one place because she gets bored…with the place and the people.

c. Foolish – she doesn’t make wise choices for herself.

d. Caring – she does love her daughter but isn’t sure she can take care of her.

Character Subtext Logline: Plotting

OPTIONAL:

Flaw – Poor decision making

Want/Need – Wants Molly to have a permanent residence and go to school. April thinks she’s doing what is best for Molly.

Mission/Agenda

Character Arc (if any) – April has to learn to deal with the fact that she has to give of the career that she loves so much.

World View

Life Metaphor/Identity

Secret – April doesn’t tell anyone she’s getting surgery on her back and can never dance again.

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves

What makes this character unique?

REQUIRED:

Role: MARS

Core Character Traits:

a. Fragile – he recognizes his fragile state and that is why he is hiding out from people at the Bay.

b. Sarcastic – how he deals with people.

c. Kind – he tries to be kind to everyone.

d. Empathetic – he feels for Molly and her situation.

Character Subtext Logline: Withholding and being polite

OPTIONAL:

Flaw – Overdoing things

Want/Need – Wants to be left alone to grieve. He decides Molly can help him as he helps her.

Mission/Agenda

Character Arc (if any) – By helping someone else, he helps himself and is able to return to his city life.

World View

Life Metaphor/Identity

Secret – Mars is hiding out from his friends and dance family.

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves

What makes this character unique? Only a couple of renown black man choreographers.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 10 Lesson 9 – Great Pitches 4 – Phone Pitches without Pain

Lisa Long’s Phone Pitch

What I learned from this lesson is to be prepared prior to calling and to keep it short and to the point.

Write out your phone pitch along with answers to the questions.

1. Tell us which of the four strategies you are going to use to open your pitch:

1. Lead with a High Concept.

2. Lead with a great title.

3. Lead with credibility.

2. Give us your script for phone call pitches, like I did above.

Hi, I’m Lisa Long and I’m wondering if I could run a quick concept by you?

I have a coming-of-age drama about a 12-year-old girl who is obsessed with being a dancer and is abandoned by her mother with a man she doesn’t know to live over his seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay. It’s titled Chesapeake Girl. I grew up near the Bay before attending NYU Film school, so it’s an area I know well.

3. Give us a one or two sentence answer to the questions a producer may ask:

What’s
the budget range?

$1 million to $5 million. There are only 4 main characters, and it takes place mainly in one location.

Who
do you see in the main roles?

Molly – a Maddie Zeigler-type; a young dancer/actress; Edgar – John Goodman or Jeff Bridges; Jane – Kathy Bates or Loretta Devine; April – Amy Adams or a lesser-known dancer/actress

How
many pages is the script?

88

Who
else has seen this?

No one

Why
do you think this fits our company?

You produced ______ which is similar in tone, genre, and had a similar budget.

How
does the movie end?

Ends with Christmas at Big Ed’s Seafood Hut complete with light crabs on a tree. Edgar and April give Molly a new pair of toe shoes for Christmas. Then they hand her a letter. It states she has been accepted into the NYC Ballet school. Molly asks how. They tell her that they contacted Mars and he arranged it. Molly dances on the beach in celebration.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 10 – Lesson 8 Great Pitch 3 – Being a Star at Pitch Fests

Lisa Long’s Pitch Fest Pitch

What I learned is that as the writer I need to know my characters, story, structure, and hook to be able to pitch it.

Create your entire Pitch Fest Pitch.

1. Tell us your credibility.

Sold one full-length feature.

2. Tell us your genre and title.

GENRE: Drama

TITLE: Chesapeake Girl

3. What is your one or two sentence hook?

12-year-old Molly is abandoned by her dancing gypsy mother to live with Edgar, the owner of Big Ed’s Seafood Hut on the Chesapeake Bay, but whom she has never met!

4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:

What
is the budget range?

I wrote this script to enter into the Virginia Screenwriting Competition in which the script has to take place in Virginia. I imagine a budget of $5-$15 million since the majority of it takes place in one locale.

What actors do you like for the
lead roles?

Molly – A Maddie Ziegler type, but younger. She has to be a dancer/actress.

Edgar – While writing the character I pictured Sam Shepard, a strong, silent type. But since I need a living actor: Jeff Bridges or Tom Hanks

Jane – Kathy Bates or Loretta Devine

April – Amy Adams

Give
me the acts of the story.

Act 1:

· Opening – A speeding car pulls up outside Big Ed’s Seafood Hut on the Chesapeake Bay and a woman April gets out. She pulls her daughter Molly out of the car against her will. Molly is left with Edgar, her father, but Molly doesn’t know that. Molly chases after the car as it speeds away. Molly has traveled with her dance gypsy mom all her life, now she has to find a way to survive in a new place with a father she doesn’t know and without her mom.

· Inciting Incident – Molly’s purpose in life is to dance and she’ll do whatever she can to continue. But Edgar says no to dancing. Instead, Edgar makes Molly wipe tables and serve crabs in the restaurant, but she doesn’t want to work. They fight over it.

· Turning Point – On the beach, Molly meets Mars a renown choreographer. Mars is staying at the beach to mourn the recent passing of his partner, although he tells Molly it’s his mom who passed. He has given up choreography for the time being because it reminds him too much of his dancer partner.

Act 2:

· New plan – Mars decides to help Molly reach her dream of dancing in the NYC Ballet. Every day after Edgar and the cook, Jane go to bed after the dinner service, Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to practice dance.

· Plan in action –Mars calls a contact in NYC and gets Molly a virtual audition.

· Midpoint Turning Point – A hurricane blows into the area. Edgar and Molly argue about dance, and he forbids her to do it. Molly runs out and gets swept up in the surf. Edgar saves Molly from the bay and carries her home in the storm.

Act 3:

· Rethink everything – It’s time to go to NYC for an in-person audition. Molly lies to Mars by telling him that Edgar said it was okay for her to go with him to NYC…that he had a change of heart after he saved her from the storm.

· New plan – Mars wants to talk to Edgar before they go, but Molly makes excuses, and they take off for NYC. Jane sees Molly leave with Mars.

· Turning Point – Jane tells Edgar that Molly left with Mars. Edgar goes after them. He contacts the police.

Act 4:

· Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Edgar goes to NYC to bring Molly back. He runs into the theater rehearsal space hallway with the police. Molly is in the rehearsal room dancing. Edgar accuses Mars of kidnapping. Mars produces permission from Molly’s mom April allowing him to bring her to NYC. Edgar calls off the cops. Edgar cries as he sees Molly dance through the rehearsal room window. She’s exquisite, even for 12. When they hug, Edgar finds out that she has scoliosis and can no longer dance.

When Molly arrives home, Jane has died. Edgar and Molly mourn together. At the funeral, April shows up and reveals that she has scoliosis and can never dance again. She wants to return to live with Molly and Edgar. Molly is angry and runs off. Edgar says he will talk to Molly and they will decide together.

· Resolution – A month later, Mars says goodbye to Molly and returns to NYC to start again. Edgar and April have built out a large shed for Molly to teach dance to younger girls. She has 3 students. Tammy from school comes by and asks Molly to teach her how to dance for the Sadie Hawkins dance which she does. Molly and April discuss how they miss performing, but finally are a family. Edgar and April secretly make a plan. They give Molly a new pair of toe shoes. And the big news is that they contacted Mars and he helped them get her a spot in the NYC Ballet school. Molly dances on the beach to celebrate!

How
does it end? (setup / payoff).

Ends with Edgar and April giving Molly a new pair of toe shoes and telling her they have arranged with Mars for her to attend the NYC Ballet school. Molly dances on the beach in celebration.

Credibility
questions What have you done?

I attended NYU Film school where Patrick Dempsey starred in my final film. I studied screenwriting with Oscar winner, Pamela Wallace (Witness). I have completed 2 scripts – 1 full-length, 1 short. I have 3 new scripts in various stages. I have taken the ProSeries, Writing Incredible Movies, and Professional Rewrite classes from Screenwriting U.

[Lisa Paris Long]

(The instructions said to post Version 1 and then Version 2 of BEATS and then the changes between the two, but I see no one did that, so I’m posting just Version 2)

REWRITE – DAY 3 – Elevate the Beats of Your Story

Lisa Long’s Story Beats

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is by breaking the story into beats I can see the structural problems rather than focusing on the characters or dialogue.

Logline: A 12-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her mother with a man she’s never met to live above his seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.

BEATS SEPARATED OUT AND CHANGES:

The total number of Beats went from 25 to 53, so I added several scenes to beef up the story. From Scene 12 going forward, the beats changed. In the original Molly is obsessed with The Nutcracker, but in the new beats she is trying to get into the NYC Ballet program. I decided to remove the Christmas factor mainly because I’ve seen it done many times before. The biggest change was in the original beat list Edgar died at the end. But in the new beats, Jane dies, which leads to a happier ending for the family unit. Also, Molly stays home in the original beats and in the new beats list, she ends up going to NYC and fulfilling her dream.

NOTE: I’m in the WIM2 class too and this script is part of that class as well. I am still working on incorporating the feedback from the other class into the script. Thus, I have added some notes in bold in Version Two – Beats based on the changes I’m still working on.

CHESAPEAKE GIRL – BEATS

VERSION TWO

1. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

April, a gypsy dancer drops off her 12-year-old daughter Molly to stay with Edgar, a bearded long-haired guy. Edgar owns Big Ed’s Seafood Hut on the Chesapeake Bay and lives over the restaurant. Molly has a meltdown. Chessie, Edgar’s dog comforts her. Edgar picks Molly up and takes her inside.

2. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY CONTINUOUS

2.Molly looks around the restaurant. She hates seafood! Ed introduces Molly to his cook, Jane, who looks over her glasses at Molly. Jane is seventy years old, wise, and protective of Ed for whom she’s worked for decades.

3. INT. BEDROOM OVER RESTAURANT – DAY CONTINUOUS

Jane takes Molly upstairs to see her bedroom. Chessie tags along. Molly doesn’t want
to be there and is still wiping away tears. Jane explains to Molly that Ed as
an ex-military man likes to run a tight ship. And if Molly has any “female”
issues to talk to her. Molly asks questions as she
strokes Chessie. Jane answers a couple,
but then has to go. Even though she’s sad, she’s never had a room of her own. <div>

4. INT.
RESTAURANT KITCHEN – DAY

Molly
comes downstairs and goes into the kitchen where Jane is working on the dinner
courses. Ed interrupts the kitchen talk
and tells Molly that he has a few rules 1. Keep her phone on so he can reach
her at all times. 2. Work in the dining room cleaning tables every day after
school. 3. No dancing. Molly protests! She
must dance! Molly storms up to her room.
Jane suggests that he’s being unreasonable to ask a child not to dance…for she
knows that it is only because the love of his life, April was a dancer who
broke his heart. Ed is in charge. Molly must be subordinate.

5. INT. ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Ed rolls up his sleeve as Jane gives him some medicine to take. Ed downs the pills. Jane preps his arm and administers the shot. She puts a Band aid on it. Jane asks how Ed is feeling. Ed changes the topic by asking if he’s been too hard on Molly. Jane says to talk to her. Tell her that you can’t bear to be around dancers since April left. Ed is not ready to talk about it. Jane points out that it’s been 12 years. Ed says he’ll tell her soon why he’s anti-dance and about his condition. Jane says it needs to be sooner than later.

6. INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING CONTINUOUS

Molly is standing in the restaurant disgusted watching the patrons eat crabs. Ed yells at her to wipe down a table. Molly is mad that she’s been forced into child labor. Molly and Ed argue because she doesn’t want to work. Subtext: Molly and Ed are both mad at April.

7. INT./EXT. RESTAURANT – EVENING CONTINUOUS

Molly reluctantly collects the stinky brown paper full of crab carcasses and takes it outside to the trash dumpster. Bud, the bus boy follows her outside and makes fun of her when she gets crab fluid all over herself. He calls her “Ed’s stinky love child”. Molly tries to physically fight with the bus boy. He laughs at her holding her back at arm’s length. Ed breaks it up. Molly wants to know what Bud meant. Ed goes back inside without answering her.

8. EXT. BEACH – DAY

Molly is with Chessie dancing on the beach when Marshall (Mars for short, a Black man of 32 years old) under an umbrella corrects her jete (a ballet leap). Molly recognizes Mars’ name as a renown choreographer! As Molly dances around Mars’ umbrella, she opens up about being abandoned by her mom. Mars tells Molly about his mother passing away and he came back to the Bay to be alone and grieve. They bond over mom’s and being sad. Instant friends as they discuss Molly’s dream to dance at the NYC Ballet.

9. EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL TRACK – DAY

Molly’s first week of school. Molly and a group of students are about to run around the track. Susan the gym teacher blows a whistle to start the race. Molly runs like the wind…and when the spirit moves her, she adds a jete (jump). The kids laugh at her antics and one bully mimics her to make the other kids laugh more. The teacher tells her to cool it if she wants to make friends. Tammy, a nerdy girl tells her to ignore the kids, but when Tammy talks about TikTok dancing, Molly becomes snobby, and Tammy runs off.

10. INT. ED’S HOUSE – LATE EVENING CONTINUOUS

Molly sneaks out of her bedroom, toe shoes in hand, and runs down the back stairs. Chessie is at the bottom of the stairs and whines.

11. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE EVENING CONTINUOUS

Molly goes to Mars’ house to try and convince him to work with her on audition material. He resists as he’s taking a sabbatical from dance. Molly discovers that he has a dance studio on the side porch of the house. Molly insists on dancing her him. Problem arises when Mars realizes she good…really good!

12. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

Molly is sweeping the outside patio of Big Ed’s Hut when Mars comes to eat. Molly practically attacks him again to try to convince him to teach her. Molly gets in an argument with Mars’ waitress, Ginny when she thinks Molly is trying to steal her customer. Ginny asks Molly what she wants with that old man. Molly says he’s not an old man, he’s a choreographer.

MONTAGE

13. INT. ED’S HOUSE – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Molly has broken Mars’ will and he’s agreed to work with her on her dancing. Molly climbs out her bedroom window and onto the patio roof, then jumps to the ground.

14. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – NIGHT

Molly knocks on Mars’ door. He opens and says, Let’s get started.

15. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Molly climbs out her bedroom window onto the patio roof and jumps off onto the ground. She runs towards Mars’ house.

16. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING

Molly practices her dance. She realizes she has to get to school and hurriedly removes her toe shoes. She puts on tennis shoes, grabs her backpack, and runs out the door waving to Mars. Mars waves goodbye to her as she leaves.

17. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT

Molly sneaks in and up the stairs with her backpack and dance bag in tow. She’s being very quiet. Chessie quietly follows Molly into her bedroom.

18. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON

Molly dances but keeps messing up. Mars indicates to do it again. Molly tries again but messes up the dance. Frustrated she yells and stomps her feet. Mars points to do it again! Molly gains her composure and gets into position. She begins again.

END MONTAGE

19. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – LATE EVENING

19.Time has passed. Molly is dancing in Mars’ home studio. They are working on choreography. Mars tells Molly that he called a colleague in NY and got her a virtual audition. Molly is ecstatic but knows Ed will never let her go.

20. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – LATE AFTERNOON CONTINUOUS

Molly’s mom April facetimes her. But April masks where she really is…in a hospital waiting room. Molly wants to know when April is coming to see her. April says she doesn’t know, but she promises it will be soon. Talking to Chessie, Molly calls her a liar after ending the facetime.

21. INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM, BOSTON – LATE AFTERNOON CONTINUOUS

April is called into Dr. Hilty’s office by the nurse.

22. INT. DR. HILTY’S OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON

Dr. Hilty tells April that after reviewing the tests, she has scoliosis, or curvature of the spine. And that she will never dance again. April is stunned. Dr. Hilty explains that because she was a dancer, she probably overcompensated and held herself erect in such a way as to not make it noticeable. He tells her she will need surgery right away and to see the scheduler on the way out.

23. INT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Molly and Ed argue about dancing. Molly says he doesn’t understand. Ed makes it clear, no dancing, no leaving. A storm is raging outside. Molly runs out into the storm. Edgar says he doesn’t know what to do. Jane says to go after her.

24. EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Chessie followed Molly out into the storm. Molly gets hit by a wave and is carried offshore. Chessie barks at her from the edge of the water.

25. EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Ed grabs a life preserver and runs after Molly. Molly is screaming for help. Ed swims out to Molly and pulls her to shore. He picks her up and carries her home.

26. INT. ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Jane meets Molly and Ed at the door with towels. She grabs Molly and wraps a towel around her. Ed exhausted can’t even talk to Molly. He goes upstairs. Molly and Jane talk about their situation and Edgar.

27. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Jane is helping Molly get ready for bed after her ordeal. Molly asks Jane why he doesn’t like dancing. At first, Jane resists telling Molly, but finally tells her that his love ran off to be a dancer.

28. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING

It’s time for the virtual audition. Mars has set up the room with a camera and speakers, etc. Molly lies to Mars and tells him that Edgar said it was okay because he felt bad after the storm incident. Molly did her own make-up and hair, and Mars helps her fix it. Molly wears a tutu that Mars has supplied. They record the audition. Molly is exquisite.

29. INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAY

Molly is seated in the back of the classroom. Her head is down looking at her phone under the desk. She’s waiting for Mars to text her about the audition result. Miss Lowe the French teacher catches her. Molly says she’s waiting for an important text. The kids make fun of her.

30. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – AFTERNOON

Molly comes running in from school with her phone in her hand. Jane is in the room and tells her when dinner is. Molly runs up the stairs to her bedroom, slamming the door. Chessie runs behind her but doesn’t make it in time. He scratches at the door and breathes underneath it.

31. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – AFTERNOON

Molly is looking at her phone. She’s ecstatic! She lets Chessie into the room. She dances around him, and he barks. Molly runs to her window to see if she can see Mars down the beach at his house. Molly climbs out onto the porch roof and shimmies down the drain pipe into the sand. She runs down the beach towards Mars’ house. Chessie looks out the window at her.

32. INT. MARS’ HOUSE – AFTERNOON

Molly and Mars are so happy about the audition. Molly worries about Edgar and the fact that her mom isn’t there. Mars confesses that the house isn’t his mom’s and she’s been dead for years. It is in fact his house and it was his boyfriend who passed away. He was afraid she’d judge him. Molly says she’s been around dancers all her life and she understands. And that his mom would be proud of him.

33. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – AFTERNOON

(This scene is going to be moved further into the story to keep Edgar in the dark longer)

Molly quietly enters shutting the door behind her. She turns around to see Ed sitting there. Molly explains that she got an audition in NYC and she’s going. Edgar says no and he’s found out she’s been sneaking out. Molly screams that he is ruining her life and runs upstairs to her bedroom. Jane tells Edgar she will go talk to Molly, but instead she goes into her bedroom and lies down.

34. INT. JANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

(I have plans to re-write this scene, but the feeling will be the same)

Molly, her eyes swollen from crying, goes into Jane’s bedroom. She shyly asks Jane for a needle and thread to sew a ribbon on her tattered toe shoe. Jane takes it and starts to sew it for her. Jane shares history of herself and Molly’s mom April showing her an old photo. Molly says Edgar treats Chessie better than her. She talks about leaving and upsets Jane who cries. Jane says they need each other.

35. INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Molly pulls her small, packed suitcase from under her bed. She ties her toe shoes to the handle. She climbs out onto the patio roof below and throws her suitcase to the ground. Molly hangs over the edge and drops to the ground. She picks up her suitcase and runs toward Mars’ house.

36. INT. KITCHEN – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Jane is at the kitchen window drinking a cup of coffee over the sink. She sees Molly.

37. EXT MARS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING CONTINUOUS

Molly runs up to Mars’ car in his driveway. Mars is putting his suitcase in the car. He grabs Molly’s and puts it in the trunk too. Mars wants to talk to Edgar before they leave, Molly makes an excuse and they drive off.

38. INT. KITCHEN – MORNING

Later, Ed enters the kitchen, grabs a mug and pours himself a cup of coffee. Jane is sitting at the kitchen table. Jane tries to prepare Edgar for what she’s going to say. She tells Edgar that Molly and Mars have left for NYC. She shows Edgar a schedule she found in Molly’s room. Edgar takes off after them.

39. INT. NYC BALLET THEATER – EVENING

(This NYC sequence will change. It will be a rehearsal space that Edgar infiltrates instead of a performance)

Ed enters the theater lobby with two police officers in tow. They try to run past the ropes but are stopped by an usher looking for tickets. Ed gets into the theater and sees Molly on stage for the first time. He is stunned! He cries. He calls off the police.

40. INT. THEATER LOBBY – NIGHT

After the show, Ed is in a corner of the busy lobby wiping his eyes with a handkerchief. April, Molly’s mom is there and approaches Edgar. They hug and he is surprised by her body brace from her back surgery. They discuss Molly and April asks if she can come live with them now that she cannot dance. Edgar in a moment of weakness says he’ll think about it.

41. INT ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Edgar asks Jane to cut off his hair. Jane cuts off his ponytail and shaves his beard. A rare moment of tenderness between the two.

42. EXT. PATIO BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

Molly and Mars drive up to Big Ed’s just back from NYC. Mars says he wants to tell Edgar what a sensation Molly was, but Molly reveals that he didn’t say she could go. Mars is furious as an ambulance approached and stops in front of the restaurant. Molly goes inside.

43. INT. PATIO BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

The EMTs come down the stairs and go outside. Molly climbs the stairs and sees Edgar on the landing with tears streaming down his face. He points Molly into Jane’s room where she sees Jane has died. In grief, Edgar reveals that he is Molly’s father.

44. EXT. CHURCH GRAVEYARD – DAY

Edgar and Molly are standing near the grave holding hands. April approaches from behind. Molly is still angry at April for abandoning her. April reveals her surgery and this only makes Molly angrier for keeping her in the dark. Molly runs off. April asks again if she can come stay with them. Edgar says he and Molly need to talk.

45. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

Molly and Ed have a big talk about her running off to NYC. Ed apologizes for not seeing that she was an incredible dancer and deserved to follow her dream. Molly apologizes for giving him a hard time and promises to be agreeable from now on. They discuss whether they would be able to forgive April and let her come to stay with them over the restaurant now that Jane is gone.

46. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – NIGHT

(I have changes planned for this scene)

April shows up at the restaurant after closing time. April approaches to give Ed a hug. Ed puts up his hand to stop her. Molly sneaks down the stairs unseen and sits on them to listen. Edgar says there are conditions. She has to be sure that she won’t leave them again…that she really wants this. And she has to make amends to Molly. Molly and April talk. April promises to not leave her again.

47. EXT. MARS’ DRIVEWAY – DAY

It is a month later. Mars, Molly, and Chessie are in Mars’ driveway. His car is packed to the brim. Edgar thanks Mars for taking care of Molly. Mars tells Molly she’s welcome to come to NY to see him and he gives her his information. Molly and Mars say their goodbyes expressing how they helped each other. Mars drives off.

48. INT. ED’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

(This scene may be removed or changed)

April has taken over Jane’s job of administering Edgar’s meds. Afterward, they kiss.

49. INT/EXT. SHED BEHIND RESTAURANT – DAY

April and Ed fixed up and decorated an extra-large shed for Molly. A sign over the door reads, Studio by the Bay. Molly teaches ballet to 3 small girls. April brings them water. Tammy from Molly’s school arrives and asks Molly if she can teach her how to dance for the Sadie Hawkins dance because she wants to ask a boy. Molly says yes and is happy to have made a friend.

50. INT. STUDIO BY THE BAY – EVENING

Molly is dancing around the studio. Tammy arrives and watches her for a minute and is very impressed. Molly tries to teach Tammy how to dance to modern tunes.

51. INT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – KITCHEN – MORNING

April and Molly are working in the kitchen. They discuss how they miss traveling and especially performing in front of an audience.

52. INT. ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Edgar asks April if Molly is as good as he thinks, and she says yes. Molly comes downstairs and leaves her phone on the table while she goes into the kitchen. Edgar gets Mars’ information from her phone and puts it in his phone.

53. EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

It’s a month later. The restaurant is closed today. Edgar, Molly, Chessie, and April are all out on the patio. April had her brace removed. Edgar and April present Molly with a new pair of toe shoes. She is so surprised and thrilled. Then they tell her that they contacted Mars in NY, and he pulled some strings to get her into the NYC Ballet school. Molly puts on her toe shoes and dances on the beach.

THE END

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 10 Lesson 7 – Great Pitch 2 – Compelling Query Letters

Lisa Long’s Query Letter

What I learned doing this assignment is to get your foot in the door you have to be able to market your story as succinctly as possible.

LETTER:

Dear producer,

12-year-old Molly is abandoned by her dancing gypsy mother to live with Edgar, the owner of Big Ed’s Seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay, but whom she has never met.

Molly is singularly obsessed with one big dream, dancing! Edgar has declared no dancing, only going to school, and working in his restaurant.

A chance meeting with a renown choreographer, has Molly pestering him to help her get to the NYC Ballet. When he finally agrees, she has to sneak out to practice.

Molly’s dancing mom has scoliosis and finds out she can never dance again. She wants to return to the Bay. But can Molly forgive her?

Molly runs off to NYC to audition for the NYC Ballet with the choreographer. Edgar runs after them. But while he’s there he sees Molly dance, stunned by her talent.

After the death of Edgar’s elderly cook, Molly and Edgar come together to mourn. Edgar reveals he is actually her father.

Let’s see if Molly makes it to the NYC Ballet, or if she stays put to be part of a newfound family?

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you “Chesapeake Girl”.

All the best,

Lisa Long

(Contact information)

BIO: Graduate of NYU Film, I have sold one full-length feature.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM 2 Module 10 Lesson 6 – Great Pitch 1 – High Concepts and Elevator Pitches

Lisa Long’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch

What I learned doing this assignment is that it is difficult to crunch a whole story into one sentence and a pitch. It requires working and re-working it.

High Concept: A 12-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her mother with a man she’s never met to live above his seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.

Elevator Pitch: 12-year-old Molly is abandoned by her mother with Edgar, a man she’s never met, to live over his restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay. Edgar says go to school and work in the restaurant, no dancing. Molly has to figure out how to adapt to a new place and how to follow her dream of dancing at the NYC Ballet!

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM 2 Module 10 Lesson 5 – Using Hooks to Create Pitches

Lisa Long’s Synopsis Hooks

What I learned doing this assignment is that it identifies places where the story could be tweaked to make more sense. It pops out the individual storylines of each character and how each relates to the others.

Synopsis

12-year-old Molly is abandoned by her dancing gypsy mother to live with Edgar, the owner of Big Ed’s Seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay, but whom she has never met.

Molly is singularly obsessed with one big dream, dancing! Edgar has declared no dancing, only going to school, and working in his restaurant.

A chance meeting with a renown choreographer, has Molly pestering him to help her get to the NYC Ballet. When he finally agrees, she has to sneak out to practice.

Molly’s dancing mom has scoliosis and finds out she can never dance again. She wants to return to the Bay. But can Molly forgive her?

Molly runs off to NYC to audition for the NYC Ballet with the choreographer. Edgar runs after them. But while he’s there he sees Molly dance, stunned by her talent.

After the death of Edgar’s elderly cook, Molly and Edgar come together to mourn. Edgar reveals he is actually her father. Will they allow Molly’s mom to return?

Let’s see if Molly’s mom will return, if she makes it to the NYC Ballet, or if she stays put to be part of a newfound family?

[Lisa Paris Long]

Day 2 –Review Structure and Bust Cliches

Lisa Long’s Basic Structure Version 1

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that there are endless possibilities for improving the story structure. Mixing it up in this way can lead to exciting changes.

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Logline: 12-year-old Molly must figure out how to survive living with a man she doesn’t know when her mother abandons her at his restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.

Genre: Drama

STRUCTURE VERSION ONE:

Main Conflict: Molly wants to dance, but Edgar says no dancing, just school and working in the restaurant. Edgar was abandoned by Molly’s mom, April, who was a gypsy dancer and so he wants no part of dance. Now Molly has been abandoned by April too. Will Molly dance again? Will Edgar and Molly work out their differences? Will they ever forgive April?

Opening – A speeding car pulls up outside Big Ed’s Seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay and a woman April gets out. She pulls her daughter Molly out of the car against her will. Molly is left with Edgar. Molly chases after the car as it speeds away. Molly has traveled with her dance gypsy mom all her life, now she has to find a way to survive in a new place with a man she doesn’t know.

PAGE 10 and Inciting Incident – Molly’s purpose in life is to dance and she’ll do whatever she can to continue. But Edgar says no to dance lessons. Instead, Edgar makes Molly go to school and then work wiping tables and serving crabs in the restaurant, but she doesn’t want to work. They fight for the first time.

First turning point at end of Act 1 – Molly meets Mars, a renowned choreographer, on the beach. Mars is staying at the beach to mourn the recent passing of his mother; or so he tells Molly. He has given up choreography for the time being because he is burned out and grieving.

Mid-Point – After much pestering, Mars decides to help Molly reach her dream of dancing in The Nutcracker in NY. Every evening after Edgar and Jane, the elderly cook, go to bed Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to dance. Mars calls a contact in NYC and gets Molly an audition. But how can she go when Edgar doesn’t even know she’s dancing?

Second turning point at end of Act 2 – A hurricane blows into the area. Edgar and Molly argue about dancing, and he forbids her again. Molly runs out and gets swept up in the surf. Edgar saves Molly from the bay and carries her home in the storm. Jane tells Molly why Edgar refuses to let her dance…because he was in love with a dancer who broke his heart when she left him to pursue her dancing dreams.

Crisis: It’s time to go to NYC. Molly convinces Mars to contact April for permission to go to NYC instead of bothering Edgar. And she lies by saying that Edgar had a change of heart anyway after he saved her from the storm. Mars drives Molly to NYC for the show.

Climax – Edgar goes to NYC to bring Molly back. He goes to the theater as the curtain goes up on the ballet. Edgar cries as he sees Molly dance and she’s exquisite, even for 12. Edgar decides to go home. As he leaves the theater, he sees April, Molly’s mom.

Resolution –April shows up at Jane’s funeral. April reveals that she has scoliosis and can never dance again. Molly is angry and runs off. April asks Edgar if she can come home. Edgar and Molly have a heart to heart to decide if they can let April back into their lives. They express their love for each other for the first time. April returns. Edgar and April fix up a large shed into a dance studio and give it to Molly. For a while Molly is happy to dance again and have a newfound family. But she misses performing. Edgar and April gift Molly with a new pair of toe shoes and a surprise. They contacted Mars in NYC, and he pulled some strings getting her into the NYC Ballet school! Molly puts on the new toe shoes and dances for joy.

STRUCTURE VERSION TWO:

Main Conflict: Molly wants to dance, but Edgar says no dancing, just school and working in the restaurant. Edgar was abandoned by Molly’s mom, April, who was a gypsy dancer and so he wants no part of dance. Now Molly has been abandoned by April too. Will Molly dance again? Will Edgar and Molly work out their differences? Will they ever forgive April?

Opening – A speeding car pulls up outside Big Ed’s Seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay and a woman April gets out. She pulls her daughter Molly out of the car against her will. Molly is left with Edgar. Molly chases after the car as it speeds away. Molly has traveled with her dance gypsy mom all her life, now she has to find a way to survive in a new place with a man she doesn’t know.

PAGE 10 and Inciting Incident – Molly’s purpose in life is to dance and she’ll do whatever she can to continue. But Edgar says no to dance lessons. Instead, Edgar makes Molly go to school and then work wiping tables and serving crabs in the restaurant, but she doesn’t want to work. They fight for the first time.

First turning point at end of Act 1 – Molly meets Mars, a renowned choreographer, on the beach. Mars is staying at the beach to mourn the recent passing of his mother; or so he tells Molly. He has given up choreography for the time being because he is burned out and grieving.

Mid-Point – After much pestering, Mars decides to help Molly reach her dream of dancing in NYC. Every evening after Edgar and Jane, the elderly cook, go to bed Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to dance. Mars calls a contact in NYC and gets Molly an audition. But how can she go when Edgar doesn’t even know she’s dancing?

Second turning point at end of Act 2 – A hurricane blows into the area. Edgar and Molly argue about dancing, and he forbids her again. Molly runs out and gets swept up in the surf. Edgar saves Molly from the bay and carries her home in the storm. Jane tells Molly why Edgar refuses to let her dance…because he was in love with a dancer who broke his heart when she left him to pursue her dancing dreams.

Crisis: It’s time to go to NYC. Molly convinces Mars to contact April for permission to go to NYC instead of bothering Edgar. And she lies by saying that Edgar had a change of heart anyway after he saved her from the storm. Mars drives Molly to NYC for the audition.

Climax – Edgar goes to NYC to bring Molly back. He goes to the theater rehearsal space to drag her home with the police in tow. Mars meets him in the hallway and produces permission from April for him to bring Molly to the audition. The police leave. Edgar cries and he watches Molly dance and she’s exquisite, even for 12. He and Mars briefly discuss Molly. Edgar heads home. When Molly returns, Jane has died. Jane leaves Molly a note that says only “Shine”. Edgar and Molly bond over Jane’s death and Edgar tells Molly about his history with April and that he is her father.

Resolution –April shows up at Jane’s funeral. April reveals that she has scoliosis and can never dance again. Angry, Molly runs off. April asks Edgar if she can come home. Edgar and Molly have a heart to heart to decide if they can let April back into their lives. They express their love for each other for the first time.

April returns. Edgar and April fix up a large shed into a dance studio and give it to Molly. For a while Molly is happy to dance again and have a newfound family. But she misses performing. Edgar and April gift Molly with a new pair of toe shoes and a surprise. They contacted Mars in NYC, and he pulled some strings getting her into the NYC Ballet school! Molly puts on the new toe shoes and dances for joy.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 10 Lesson 4 – The 10 Most Interesting Things

Lisa Long’s 10 Most Interesting Things

What I learned doing this assignment is there are many reasons that can be pulled out from the story that are interesting and important to selling the script.

10 Most Interesting Things –

1. The villain is the hero’s mother.

2. Molly is left with a man she doesn’t know. Who is he? Why would her mom abandon her with him?

3. Molly meets a renowned choreographer who decides to help her dance which causes her to lie to Edgar who has forbidden her to dance.

4. April has scoliosis but doesn’t tell her family about her surgeries.

5. Mars gets permission for Molly to go to NYC from April without Edgar’s knowledge.

6. Edgar has been hurt by April; does he let her back into his life?

7. Edgar sees Molly dance and realizes he can’t stop her dream.

8. Jane dies unexpectedly.

9. Small cast.

10. Set in only two locations.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 10 Lesson 3 – What Do Producers and Managers Need?

Lisa Long Meets Producer/Manager

What I learned today is that there are major differences between a producer meeting and a manager meeting. Both require preparation.

Imagine you have two meetings set up — with a producer and then with a manager. What would you say and do differently based upon this model?

Answer two questions:

1. How will you present yourself and your project to the producer?

While I worked with a producer once on a casual basis, this would be my first meeting with a Hollywood producer. Before the meeting, I would practice my pitch with anyone I can and in the mirror. I would perform a meditation from Hal to build confidence and relax.

Once in the meeting, I would start with the pitch. I would come with my one pager to assist me with nervousness and have a reference in case I get lost. The one page will also help me with answering other questions that may come up. I would bring the screenplay too. I’m not sure if this is standard procedure, but I would want to carry it with me. I will be friendly and agreeable. And I will say yes!

2. How will you present yourself and your project to a manager?

I would start with the confidence meditation from Hal. Beforehand I will practice my pitches for each screenplay that I’ve worked on. Once there, I would imagine that the manager would want to get to know me, so I would inform them of my writing history, experience, and education.

Then I would think that we would be discussing my current projects, not just one screenplay. I would come prepared with all the information on each project. We would discuss possible future collaboration and career building ideas. And we would need to see if the cost and the personalities are a fit.

[Lisa Paris Long]

[REWRITE] Lesson 1: Clarify Your Story

Lisa Long’s Logline and One Page!

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that writing the story in an overview format, you can see how the structure of the story plays out.

Genre: Coming-of-Age Drama

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Logline: A 12-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her mother to live with a father she’s never known above his restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay, giving up her dream to dance in NYC.

Story Overview:

Molly and her mom April, a dance gypsy, have traveled the country performing. Now April has to find a place for Molly to land while she takes care of a medical issue. April leaves Molly with Edgar who operates a seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.

From the beginning Edgar and Molly clash because Molly wants to dance. Edgar has other plans, mainly for Molly to work in his seafood restaurant and go to school. Molly only wants to dance. Edgar forbids Molly to dance.

Jane is Edgar’s elderly cook and his only confidant. After working together for years, Jane is protective of Edgar. She is torn between being loyal to Edgar and supporting a young girl’s dream. Molly and Jane eventually warm to each other.

On the beach Molly runs into Mars, a renown choreographer who is mourning a family member and suffering from dance burn-out. Molly pesters Mars until he finally agrees to teach her for an audition for the NYC Ballet.

Molly meets secretly with Mars while he teaches her a dance. Mars is floored when he discovers that Molly is an exceptional dancer.

April meets with a doctor who tells her she has scoliosis and can never dance again. April has to have surgery, but she doesn’t tell anyone.

Molly is ready for the audition. Mars doesn’t know that Edgar never gave his permission for Molly to dance, let alone go to NYC. She needs the okay from a parent or guardian. Molly convinces Mars to call April who gives her permission to bypass Edgar.

Jane sees Molly leave with Mars for NY. She tells Edgar who goes to NY to find them with police in tow. Once in NY, Edgar sees Molly dance for the first time and is stunned. He confronts Mars who shows him April’s permission. Edgar calls off the cops. He confronts Molly too. Edgar has a decision to make.

April in her body cast, shows up to see Molly dance and bumps into Edgar. She asks if she can come back to live with him and Molly. 12 years ago, when April found out she was pregnant, she ran away. Edgar didn’t know about Molly. Molly didn’t know that Edgar is her father. Edgar was devastated when April left and that’s why he forbad Molly to dance. Edgar tells April that he will think about letting her return.

Upon return from NY, Molly finds that Jane has died. Edgar and Molly mourn together. Edgar apologizes to Molly for keeping her from dancing. He tells Molly he is her father. When April shows up at the funeral, they discuss letting April back into their lives.

Mars has found new life working with Molly and decides to return to NYC for good.

April returns. She and Edgar fix up an old large shed for Molly to teach dance to other young girls…with April’s assistance. Molly enjoys her life for a while with her family intact but misses dancing on stage. April and Edgar reach out to Mars, and he helps them get her into the NYC Ballet school. Molly leaves for NYC.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hello, I’m Lisa Long

I’ve been working on a script in the Writing Incredible Movies class which is ending soon. I will bring that script to this class for the rewrites. Prior to taking the WIM class I completed the SU ProSeries 81 class, and I am still working on rewrites for that script as well. I’ve taken several other classes with Hal.

I’ve written 3 scripts and have begun a fourth.

As I’ve stated, I have two scripts in the rewriting stage, so I hope to move the process along by using the tools I learn in this class.

I’ve sold one script. I am a graduate of NYU film school. I am on Eastern Standard Time.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long

I agree to the terms of this release form.

Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.

OR

NOT AGREE, in which case, you hit “Reply to this topic” and type in the words “I’ll do the class privately.”

If you agree to the terms of the release form, then you can post your assignments into the group and your cohort can give feedback on them.

Also, if you don’t agree to this group confidentiality agreement, you’ll still need to sign an agreement that says you will keep the strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM 2 Module 10 Lesson 2 – The 10 Components of Marketability

Lisa Long’s Marketable Components

What I learned doing this assignment is to take the time to think about the 10 components and how they will improve my pitch by incorporating them.

Pick one or two components and tell us how your script already fulfills them AND how you might highlight these two in order to elevate the pitch.

1. Tell us your current logline.

A 12-year-old aspiring ballerina must give up her dream when her mother abandons her with a father she’s never known to live above his restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.

2. Look through the 10 Components of Marketability and pick a few that have the most potential for selling this script.

A. Unique.
B. Great Title.
C. True.
D. Timely.
E. It’s a first.
F. Ultimate.
G. Wide audience appeal.
H. Adapted from a popular book.
I. Similarity to box-office
success.
J. A great role for a bankable actor.

3. Do a quick brainstorm session about ways to elevate the components you chose for this script and tell us how you might pitch the script through those components. Example: If you say your script has a great role, in one or two sentences, tell us how you can emphasize that role as you pitch your concept.

A. Unique – set in the world of the Chesapeake Bay where seafood and especially blue crabs are king.

B. Great Title – Chesapeake Girl; looking to enter this script into the Virginia Screenwriting competition, so the title is appropriate for scripts that must take place in Virginia.

G. Wide audience appeal – Coming-of-age stories are relatable since everyone is in various stages of coming-of-age.

J. A great role for a bankable actor(s) – The young daughter and father dynamic will entice actors. And there is an older memorable character for a seasoned actress.

[Lisa Paris Long]

[WIM 2] Module 10 Lesson 1 – How to Get 50 Script Requests

Lisa Long Project and Market

What I learned today is that it is possible to get my script to a manager, producer, or actor.

1. Give us your Genre, Title, and Concept.

Genre: Coming-of-Age Drama

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Concept: A 12-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her mother with a father she’s never known to live above his restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.

2. In one or two sentences, tell us what you think is most attractive about your story.

Everyone can relate to a coming-of-age story because everyone has gone through the ups and downs of growing up. It’s a multigenerational family drama set in the unique area of the Chesapeake in Virginia. It shows the inspirational drive of a child who knows what she wants and pushes on no matter what.

3. Tell us which you will target FIRST — managers, producers, or actor’s production company — and why you picked that target.

I will start with actor’s production companies because I think the story has exciting parts for a middle-aged actor, a younger actress, and an older actress.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Feedback Exchange 1

I’m looking to exchange scripts now. My script is a coming-of-age drama about a 12-year-old dancer.

Email me at: llongmolly@gmail.com

Thank you!

EXCHANGE ON HOLD 3/3: I’ve had two exchanges and I’m working on both updates. It will take me a few days to complete.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 9 Lesson 3 – Proofreading Your Script

Lisa Long is a Proofreading Star!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that one must read and re-read your script front to back and back to front checking for needed changes or mistakes. The cleaner the script the easier and faster the read.

Proofreading was invaluable. Not only did I find mistakes, but I found many repetitive words and rewrote some of it to make more sense.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 9 Lesson 2 – Elevate Key Words – Cut Distractions

Lisa Long Wordsmithing!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that when it comes to description, less is more. The script will read faster.

I Made 92 changes to the descriptions in my script.

Three I feel good about:

1. Removal of the word “just” 9 times.

2. Removal of the following description: <s>U2s song “One” plays over the opening sequence.</s>

3. Changes: Molly runs behind <s>following after</s> the car down the road.<s> </s>Teary-eyed April waves goodbye<s> with tears in her eyes.</s>

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 9 Lesson 1 – Test Your Description

Lisa Long Has Tested Every Line!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that I will continue to work on the descriptions and making them as succinct as possible.

This process has made the flow of my script faster. But I realize I can still do more!

BEFORE AND AFTER CHANGE:

I realized that going from scene 22 to scene 23 the character Ed suddenly has a life preserver with him, but I hadn’t informed the audience of where it came from or how the dog got outside too, so these were the biggest changes I made to the descriptions.

(End of Scene 22)

Jane goes down the hall toward the bathroom. Ed grabs a raincoat and runs out into the storm.

23. EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Lightning and thunder are crashing around the sky. The water in the Bay is rough.

TO:

(End of Scene 22)

Jane goes down the hall toward the bathroom. Ed grabs a raincoat and runs out into the storm. Chessie follows him outside.

23. EXT. CHESAPEAKE BEACH – NIGHT CONTINUOUS

Ed grabs a life preserver from the patio and runs after Molly. Lightning and thunder are crashing around the sky. The water in the Bay is rough.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 8 Lesson 7 – Read Your Script to Elevate Dialogue

Lisa Long Has Amazing Dialogue!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to repeat this process and think about the depth can be added to the dialogue by applying the Mastery Skills.

54 CHANGES MADE:

3 BEFORE AND AFTER EXAMPLES

Scene 12 – MAKE A JOKE

GINNY

What do you want with that old man?

MOLLY

None of your business.

TO:

GINNY

What do you want with that old man?

MOLLY

He’s not any old man. He’s a choreographer!

Scene 32 – METAPHOR

MOLLY

What am I going to do about Ed? Are you going to tell me that it’s my fault he’s mean to me?

JANE

No. I make no excuses for him.

MOLLY

Good.

JANE

But I’ve known him for many years. I know that he is a sensitive man.

MOLLY

Too bad!

TO:

MOLLY

What am I going to do about Ed? Are you going to tell me that it’s my fault he’s mean to me?

JANE

I make no excuses for him.

MOLLY

Good.

JANE

He’s like one of those crabs we serve. So hard on the outside that you have to use a mallet to open it. But once you get inside it’s soft and sweet.

MOLLY

Too bad!

Scene 42 – SILENCE: Person doesn’t answer when they should.

EDGAR

Molly, come down here please!

Molly sadly and slowly comes down the stairs.

EDGAR

Hello, young lady.

MOLLY

Ed, I know you’re mad at me for going to New York when you told me not to…probably furious, but I HAD to do it. I had no choice. This was my lifelong dream. And I did it! I was great!

EDGAR

You didn’t listen to me.

MOLLY

I’m sorry. I worked so hard to get there. Mars pushed me to be great. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry!

EDGAR

I told you not to go.

MOLLY

(starting to cry) But maybe I want something else now. All this time I’ve had a one-track mind. Dance, dance, dance. I never thought about you and your fear of losing me like you lost April. I’ve been so selfish. I want to make this work. If I have to give it up, then I will so that I can stay with you. I’ll help you with this place. I’ll be good and do whatever you say. Please talk. Say something!

Ed stands up and goes to Molly. He embraces her.

TO:

EDGAR

Molly, come down here please!

Molly sadly and slowly comes down the stairs.

EDGAR

Hello, young lady.

MOLLY

Ed, I know you’re mad at me for going to New York when you told me not to…probably furious, but I HAD to do it. I had no choice. This was my lifelong dream. And I did it! I was great!

Ed doesn’t say a thing.

MOLLY

I’m sorry. I worked so hard to get there. Mars pushed me to be great. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry!

Ed still doesn’t react.

MOLLY

(starting to cry) But maybe I want something else now. All this time I’ve had a one-track mind. Dance, dance, dance. I never thought about you and your fear of losing me like you lost April. I’ve been so selfish. I want to make this work. If I have to give it up, then I will so that I can stay with you. I’ll help you with this place. I’ll be good and do whatever you say. Please talk. Say something!

Ed stands up and goes to Molly. He embraces her.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 8 Lesson 6 – Amazing Monologues

Lisa Long Has Incredible Monologues!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is actors want meaningful words to say and placing them in a monologue will entice them. However, it is not easy to create a monologue.

I created these two monologues, but I feel I can do better and will continue to work on them, I also need a third monologue for Ed the other main character too.

MONOLOGUE 1:

Setup: Molly is nervous to ask for Jane’s help with her toe shoe because Ed has forbidden her to dance. Molly sneaks into Jane’s bedroom at night. Jane tells her about her mother as a child. This picks up after the initial part of the scene…

Jane starts to sew the ribbon onto the worn toe shoe.

MOLLY

How was she as a little girl?

JANE

She was a very bright light back then. Always made me smile when I got to see her.

MOLLY

Tell me more.

JANE

Hmmm. Alma put April in dance classes because she wanted April to be a well–rounded young lady. To have grace and poise. To do her school learning and also activities so she could eventually get into a good college. But, of course April loved dance so much that eventually she wanted to do it professionally. Alma said absolutely not! She wanted more for April. She wanted April to be a secretary or a nurse. It broke April’s heart to not dance. Then April met Ed and they were going to settle down. Well, that didn’t work out because April could not give up dancing.

Jane looks at Molly who has lowered her head.

JANE (CON’T)

So you see why Ed was so upset when you came in here saying all you wanted was to dance. It means rejection to him. It really has nothing to do with you at all. (pause) My goodness, you do remind me of your mother.

Jane takes Molly’s face in her hands.

JANE (CON’T)

You are a bright light too. Don’t let anyone take that from you.

Molly stares into Jane’s eyes.

MOLLY

What were you like as a child, Jane?

Jane goes back to sewing.

JANE

(laughs) Oh I grew up in another time. My grandma was stricter than Alma even. Actually, she was outright mean, but she taught me how to cook. She was the only mom I ever had. My mom left when I was two years old. I never saw her again. And my dad wasn’t in the picture at all. So, it was my grandma who taught me right from wrong. And when I did wrong she hit me with a switch.

MOLLY

Oh no! What’s a switch?

JANE

A tree branch. That’s how it was done back then.

Molly looks terrified.

JANE

Well, it worked, I was a good little girl. But when I grew up, I was a holy terror for a while. (laughs) Then I decided that I was only hurting myself. So, I started working in the kitchen. And that eventually led me to Ed’s.

Jane finishes the toe shoe cutting the thread with her teeth.

JANE (CON’T)

So, you see it could be worse. Ed’s dad used a belt on him.

MONOLOGUE 2:

Setup: Ed had forbidden Molly to go to NYC to dance in the Nutcracker. She returns home and Ed is waiting for her. Ed went to NYC and saw her performance, but before Ed can say anything, Molly speaks…

MOLLY

Ed, I know you’re mad at me for going to New York when you told me not to…probably furious, but I HAD to do it. I had no choice. This was my lifelong dream. And I did it! I was great!

Ed doesn’t say a thing.

MOLLY (CON’T)

I’m sorry. I worked so hard to get there. Mars pushed me to be great. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry!

Ed still doesn’t react.

MOLLY (CON’T)

(Starting to cry) But maybe I want something else now. All this time I’ve had a one-track mind. Dance, dance, dance. I never thought about you and your fear of losing me like you lost April. I’ve been so selfish. I want to make this work. If I have to give it up, then I will so that I can stay with you. I’ll help you with this place. I’ll be good and do whatever you say. Please talk. Say something!

Ed stands and goes to Molly. He embraces her.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 8 Lesson 5 – Subtext Pointers

Lisa Long is great at Subtext Pointers!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is it’s not always easy to know where and when to use the subtext pointers. But the subtext pointers enhance the audience’s experience of the story.

1. Before Lines:

MARS

If you’re okay, I’m going.

Molly shakes her head okay.

MOLLY

Thanks Mars. I’ll see you in the morning.

1. After Lines: Insinuates, that Mars was trying to commit suicide.

MARS

If you’re okay, I’m going.

MOLLY

Mars.

MARS

What?

MOLLY

Why did you give up?

MARS

What are you talking about?

MOLLY

When you were in the water. You stopped swimming.

MARS

I’ll see ya around.

2. Before Lines:

EDGAR

Come here please.

JANE

You sure about this?

EDGAR

Take it all off.

2. After Lines: Implies that Ed and Jane are closer than they let on.

EDGAR

Do your magic.

JANE

You sure you want to do this? You’ve been growing it for years.

EDGAR

I’m sure.

Jane clips off the ponytail and places it in the plastic bag Ed had ready for his locks.

JANE

This’ll make someone a nice piece.

Ed sits in silence as his identity is cut off. Jane picks up the shaver and fires it up.

JANE

You ready?

Ed shakes his head yes. Jane removes his beard and mustache too.

EDGAR

It’s only hair. Thanks.

JANE

No sweat. Enjoy your new look, sonny.

Jane pats him on the shoulder in a rare moment of affection. Ed stares at himself in the mirror.

JANE

It looks pretty good, even if I do say so myself. You look younger.

EDGAR

(pondering)

What would I do without you, Jane?

JANE

You’d probably be in a gutter somewhere.

EDGAR

No doubt.

They chuckle.

3. Before Line:

Edgar nods. April gives Edgar a quick hug. Edgar slips some cash into her hand.

APRIL

(Giving Molly a quick hug) You be good.

3. After Line: Hint that there’s something they aren’t telling Molly.

Edgar nods. April gives Edgar a quick hug. Edgar slips some cash into her hand.

APRIL

(whispers) I didn’t tell her.

Edgar looks annoyed.

APRIL

(Giving Molly a quick hug) You be good.

4. Before Line:

MARS

Molly. What are you doing here?

MOLLY

I thought we could talk.

MARS

I’m not teaching you. (reluctantly) But come in.

Molly steps in and looks around. Then she sees there’s a dance studio on the side porch of the tiny house. It’s complete with mirrors and a barre.

MARS

My mom built it years ago so that I could practice when we were here. Pretty great huh?

MOLLY

Amazing!

4. After Line: Insinuates that Mars is not there for the reason he told Molly.

MARS

Molly. What are you doing here?

MOLLY

I thought we could talk.

MARS

I’m not teaching you. (reluctantly) But come in.

Molly steps in and looks around. She notices photos of Mars and another black man on the walls and tables. But then she sees there’s a dance studio on the side porch of the tiny house and forgets about the photos. It’s complete with mirrors and a barre.

MARS

My mom built it years ago so that I could practice when we were here. Pretty great huh?

MOLLY

Amazing!

5. Before Line:

EDGAR

I can’t have you not listening to me!

MOLLY

You’re not listening to me!

EDGAR

Don’t you talk to me that way!

MOLLY

You’re not getting that I will dance for the rest of my life, and no one can stop me!

JANE

What’s going on?

5. After Line: Insinuates that Ed might toss Molly out if she doesn’t listen.

EDGAR

I can’t have you not listening to me!

MOLLY

You’re not listening to me!

EDGAR

Don’t you talk to me that way!

MOLLY

You’re not getting that I will dance for the rest of my life, and no one can stop me!

EDGAR

Do you want to join the foster care system!

MOLLY

Is that a threat?!

EDGAR

Yes!

MOLLY

If my foster parents let me dance, then yes! Put me in the system!!

Jane enters the room from the kitchen.

JANE

What’s going on?

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 8 Lesson 4 – Subtext Dialogue Part 1

Lisa Long Loves Covering Subtext!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to build subtext anywhere I can for it adds deeper meaning to the script.

Working through each scene, I asked the questions and added a line here and there. I worked mostly on scene 24 where I felt more subtext was needed to explain one of the characters.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 8 Lesson 3 – Anticipatory Dialogue

Lisa Long Loves Anticipatory Dialogue

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that the anticipatory dialogue becomes part of the structure of the story.

I went through every scene and found that for except scene 42, I had used anticipatory dialogue throughout the script. I added anticipatory dialogue to scene 42.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 8 Lesson 2 Engaging Banter

Lisa Long Loves Attack / Counterattack Dialogue

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that the attack/counterattack can be in many forms, drama, action, comedy and can be added to any scene for punchier dialogue.

12. EXT. BIG ED’S SEAFOOD HUT – DAY

From inside we hear Ed call to Molly.

EDGAR (O.S.)

Molly, sweep the patio please!

MOLLY (O.S.)

Alright.

Molly comes out onto the patio where there are a few picnic tables that are used for service when the weather is nice. Some tables have umbrellas too. A couple sits at one table eating. Molly moves around the tables sweeping stuff into the sand on either side of the tables. Mars appears on the beach below.

MARS

Shouldn’t you be picking that stuff up instead of sweeping it off the deck?

MOLLY

Naw. The seagulls like it.

Mars comes up the steps from the beach.

MOLLY

Did you come to tell me you’ve changed your mind?

Molly smiles like the Cheshire cat.

MARS

No. I’m hungry.

MOLLY

Sit wherever you like. I’ll get you a menu.

Molly walks over near the patio door to the waiter’s station. She puts down the broom and grabs a menu. She fills a glass with water and returns to the table.

MOLLY

Would you like some water?

MARS

Yes, please. What’s good here.

MOLLY

Oh, I’m the wrong person to ask that question.

MARS

Why’s that?

MOLLY

I hate seafood.

Mars laughs.

MARS

I’ll have the crab cake with all the sides.

GINNY, a snot-nosed teen of 16 comes out onto the patio.

GINNY

Hey! What are you doing? Stealing my customer.

MOLLY

No. I just brought him water and a menu because you were nowhere to be found.

Ginny pulls Molly aside with a jerk.

MARS

(concerned) Hey…

GINNY

(To Molly) You better stay out of my way.

MOLLY

Or what?

GINNY

You don’t want to find out.

Mars gets up from the table.

MARS

Excuse me. There’s no need to argue.

Mars hands Ginny the menu.

MARS

I’ll have the crab cake and all the sides.

GINNY

Okay. Would you like anything besides water?

MARS

An iced tea. Unsweetened. With lemon.

GINNY

Yes, sir.

Ginny glares at Molly and points a finger at her. Mars and Molly go back to his table.

MARS

Geez, she’s intense.

MOLLY

A teenager.

Mars laughs.

MARS

Uh, you’re a teenager too.

MOLLY

Who everyone treats like a child.

MARS

I get that.

MOLLY

Look…

Molly sits across from Mars.

MARS

Molly…

MOLLY

(Leaning forward) I need an outlet from this shit. Dance is it for me. It’s my savior.

MARS

I understand. Dance saved me from what could have been a very different life.

MOLLY

You see, you know…It’s my escape, my therapy…everything. Please teach me! PLEASE!

Ginny returns.

GINNY

(To Molly) Get up! (To Mars) Here you go.

Ginny places his plate in front of him with the iced tea, silverware, and tartar sauce.

GINNY

Is she bothering you, sir?

MARS

(smiling) Well…a little.

Molly looks surprised. Mars winks at her.

MARS

No. She’s not bothering me.

GINNY

(To Molly) I think Jane needs you in the kitchen.

MOLLY

(To Mars) I’ll let you eat in peace. Just please think about it!

MARS

I’m not going to change my mind.

MOLLY

Yes, you will.

Molly gets up and walks toward the patio screen door. Ginny catches up with her.

GINNY

What do you want with that old man?

MOLLY

He’s not any old man. He’s a choreographer!

Molly swings open the screen door and walks through it. The door slams in Ginny’s face.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 8 Lesson 1 – Dialogue Structures

Lisa Long’s Dialogue Structures

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to apply the dialogue structures to make the scenes more interesting.

Set Up/Major Twist – wrote Scene 32 is the last time Molly sees Jane, but neither of them know it. This sets up the major twist in Scene 40 when Molly returns from NYC to find that Jane has died.

Opposite Meanings in Dialogue – Scene 9 takes place in middle school so there is snarky dialogue where the dialogue doesn’t match the meaning.

Subtext Drives the Meaning – Scene 44, still working on improving the subtext in this scene.

Deeper Layer Opposes Dialogue – Scene 39 is the last scene between Ed and Jane. They are talking about hair, but the deep layer of love is felt under the dialogue.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 7 Lesson 5 – Dialogue from Character Profiles

Lisa Long’s Elevated Dialogue

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that the dialogue can keep being improved for each character.

I made sure that my lead character is a 12-year-old going on 20 by tweaking her dialogue to what a 12-year-old would think a 20-year-old would sound like.

I added a couple of supporting characters to enhance the reflection of the main characters and their dialogue.

I rewrote this exchange to:

JANE

He works his butt off and he’s not getting any younger. I think he needs you right now.

MOLLY

How can he need me when all he does is treat me like a dog. He treats Chessie better than he treats me!

JANE

Chessie won’t leave him, so he feels comfortable with him.

MOLLY

Why don’t I just leave. He won’t have to feel uncomfortable anymore!

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIm2 Module 7 Lesson 4 – Increase Interest Level of Key Scenes

Lisa Long’s Elevated Interest!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to never stop working on structure, story, and characters.

Key Scenes:

Scene 7 – added a bully to identify that Molly doesn’t fit in anywhere outside of dance.

Scene 9 – had Molly running in a creative way that causes the kids to laugh at her. Showing she is misunderstood.

Scene 12 – added a scene where Mars is in Molly’s territory. Molly begs again and sets up the change of heart Mars has later.

Scene 26 – changed the location from NYC to Mars’ in-house studio for the audition.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 7 Lesson 3 – Making Scenes More Emotional

Lisa Long’s Elevated Emotion!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to continue adding and layering the emotion into the story.

Scenes 10, 11, and 12 – Essence: Molly is trying to convince Mars to teach her the Nutcracker dance and help her audition.

Intensified: Added these new scenes to build the rejection and frustration for the protagonist. Included a Reveal in scene 10.

Scenes 15, 16, 17, 18 – Essence: Molly practices the Nutcracker for her audition.

Intensified: Added these scenes as a Montage to show Molly not doing well, but then progressing with the dance.

Scene 20 and 21 – Essence: Molly wants to find out when she’ll see her mom again.

Intensified: Added this scene to show that April is keeping a second secret from Molly that she can’t dance anymore. Molly wants to know if April really loves her.

Scene 27 – Essence: to show that Molly is intent only on dance and doesn’t care about school.

Intensified: Molly is in French class to show something different. She struggles to tell the teacher why she’s on her phone and not paying attention. She’s waiting for news on whether she got the part.

Scene 32 – Essence: to show that Jane and Molly have bonded.

Intensified: Jane cries which she never does, making Molly alarmed.

Scene 40 – Essence: was that Ed died. But I changed it to Jane dying.

Intensified: Molly returns from NYC and the audience expects a fight between Ed and her, but instead Jane has died.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 7 Lesson 2 – Elevating the Impact of Your Reveals

Lisa Long’s Dramatic Reveals!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to build reveals for the main characters to make the story more interesting.

Reveals

· Molly doesn’t know that Ed is her father. This reveal comes later in the story.

· April can never dance again because she has scoliosis and had back surgery.

· Molly lied about Ed giving her permission to go to NYC.

· Mars lied about why he is at the beach.

· Ed’s illness is not known by the protagonist or audience.

Realized I need to add a secret and include a reveal for character, Jane.

[Lisa Paris Long]

WIM2 Module 7 – Lesson 1 More Character Depth

Lisa Long’s Loves Character Depth!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to continue elevating the characters using the Depth tools.

Storylines

Completing the laying out the storylines identified a need to play up the abandonment issue with the main characters.

Hiding?

Characters: Edgar and April are hiding that Ed is Molly’s father.

Character: Mars lies that his mom died. She died years earlier. It was his boyfriend that died, and it was their house.

Triggers:

· Obstacles in the way of goals

· Saying no to the protagonist

· Not able to make friends

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 6 – Lesson 4 Solving Scene Problems

Lisa’s Solved Scene Problems!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to locate the scenes that don’t belong or change them so that they do belong. Identify the problems and brainstorm to correct them.

I went through what I have written, but my problem is that my script now has only the bare necessity. I need to expand it and add scenes because it is too short. I agree with Joyce. This will be an on-going assignment for me too.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 6 – Lesson 3 Cliché Busting

Lisa is Cliché Busting!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is not to use things that have been seen before unless they are used in a new way.

CLICHÉ: Scene 7 – had bully hold the head of the much smaller Protagonist so she couldn’t reach him.

NEW VERSION: Changed it to him holding down her arms so she couldn’t swing at all.

CLICHÉ: Scene 29 – the Antagonist cuts his hair and beard off, declaring he needs to change. Cliché, but I think it works in this scene because it also shows the tender and close relationship, he has with the person cutting his hair.

NO NEW VERSION.

CLICHÉ: Scene 33 – I wrote, “Look what the cat dragged in”.

NEW VERSION: Looking for a new phrase that means basically the same thing but hasn’t been overused.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 6 – Lesson 2 Solving Character Problems

Lisa Solved Character Problems!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that characters need to have depth and not be one dimensional or too similar to each other. I have a Protagonist and an Antagonist that really want the same thing in the end, but they each get to it in their own way.

B. Weak protagonist or Antagonist – because my two lead characters want the same thing in the end, I needed to beef up the Antagonist’s resistance to the Protagonist’s way of getting there.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 6 – Lesson 1 Apply Structure Solutions

Lisa’s Structure Solutions!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is how vitally important the outline is and uncovering the structure flaws at the beginning of the process is invaluable.

PROBLEM /SOLUTION #1 STRUCTURE GRID

#3 – Weak Conflict = need to rewrite the main conflict with higher stakes and build in a ticking clock

#7 – Weak Layers Beneath Surface = while I have layers beneath the surface, I need to figure how to add more intrigue to them

#9 Need Stronger Midpoint = need to brainstorm a more powerful way to deliver the Midpoint

#10 – Weak Ending = I will be completely changing the ending for the second draft as I’ve thought of a happier ending

Act 1:

Opening – Opening is solid

Inciting Incident – This is clear

Turning Point – Need to add more depth to this TP

Act 2:

New plan – Need to expand here on the process they are taking on to get to the Protagonist’s goal

Plan in action – I’m am changing this scene(s) to bring them more up to date with technology

Midpoint Turning Point – Good scene, but need to make stakes even higher

Act 3:

Rethink everything – Changing this to secret reveal to cause the Protagonist and Antagonist to rethink everything

New plan – Again, I need to up the stakes

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – TP is fine. Can the stakes be even higher?

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – I need to brainstorm to see if I can make this an even more powerful scene(s)

Resolution – I am completely changing the ending to make it a happier ending where the Protagonist gets what she wants and deserves

*My script is way too short. I will need to add multiple scenes to bring it to the appropriate length.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 14 Finish Up Act 4. 6-10 Pages

Lisa Long Has Finished Act 4!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is not to procrastinate because it feels like a big accomplishment to finish the script.

My completed outline was not as detailed as when I took the ProSeries class. This class leaves more time between the writing assignments and that makes it more difficult for me because I need the discipline of the everyday assignments. I moved ahead as much as possible.

I will need to add several scenes to make my script long enough. I need to add additional scenes and beef up the ones that I have for the second draft.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 13 Continue Act 4. 6-10 Pages

Lisa Long Continues Act 4

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is keeping the story on track when you want to change it up at this point takes a lot of restraint.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 12 Start Act 4. 6-10 Pages

Lisa Long Started Act 4

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is it is difficult at this stage to continue with the outline and not let the new ideas that have come up during the writing process to creep into the story!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 11 Finish Up Act 3. Final 6-10 Pages

Lisa Long Finishing Act 3

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that it is fun to complete each Act and see progress toward the end of the first draft.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 10 Continue Act 3. Next 6-10 Pages

Lisa Long Continuing Act 3

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is push through even though it’s not great…yet!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 9 Start Act 3. 6-10 Pages

Lisa Long Began Act 3

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to get almost halfway through the script is empowering and motivation to keep going!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 8 Finish Up Act 2. Final 6-10 Pages

Lisa Long Completed Act 2

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that building the characters into the dialogue without concern for wordsmithing or perfection is productive at this stage of the process.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 7 Continue Act 2. Next 6-10 Pages

Lisa Long Continuing Act 2

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is push yourself to keep creating and don’t worry about it…just do it!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 6 Start Act 2. Write 6-10 Pages

Lisa Long Began Act 2

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is feeling good about completing Act 1 makes it exciting to move on to Act 2!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 5 Finish Up Act I Final 6-10 Pages

Lisa Long’s Finished Act 1

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is completing the Act gives a sense of accomplishment to move on to the next Act asap.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 4 Continue Act I Next 6-10 Pages

Lisa Long’s Next Act 1 Scenes

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to just keep moving and don’t worry about the quality at this point.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 5 – Lesson 3 Act I. Write 3-5 Pages a Day

Lisa Long’s Act 1 First Draft Part 1

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is writing fast is the best way to get the story on the page for the first draft.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long High-Speed Writing Rules

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to just keep going and stop thinking so hard about the quality at this point.

Speed writing is not as easy as it looks, but Hal gives us the freedom to just do it. When I can’t complete a scene…I move on to the next one and I’ll go back to it later.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long First Scene

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that I already knew what I was going to write, and it was just a matter of filling in the assignment.

Having the outline done makes the process of writing easier. Not worrying about the quality at this point also helps to get the first draft accomplished.

I had this story in the works for years, so I had already written the first scene. I was able to rework it slightly to match the outline and move on.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hello Everyone,

I’m ready for my next exchange if anyone is interested my email is llongmolly@gmail.com.

Mine is a coming-of-age drama.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 4 – Lesson 10 Making Every Scene Fascinating

Lisa Long’s Fascinating Scene Outlines!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that this is a rough draft of an outline and there will be more to add to it as I flush it out.

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Genre: Drama

ACT ONE

1. EXT PARKING LOT ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY CONTINUOUS

Scene Arc: April drops off Molly, her 10-year-old daughter with Ed and drives off. Molly melts down and Ed takes her inside. Ed lives over the restaurant.

Essence: Ed and Molly meet for the first time.

Conflict: Molly is left with Ed, a stranger.

Subtext: April is a dancer/gypsy with a boyfriend show doesn’t care for kids. She figures Molly would be better off in one place. Molly is abandoned. Ed doesn’t know how to care for a kid.

Hope/fear: Hope that April comes back for Molly. And that Ed will treat Molly well. Fear – How will Molly cope?

Beginning: (Hook) April drops off Molly, her 10-year-old daughter with Ed.

Middle: (Drama) Molly melts down and chases after the car.

Ending: (Intrigue) Ed picks Molly up and takes her inside.

2. INT ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY CONTINUOUS

Scene Arc: Ed has his cook and right-hand person Jane take Molly upstairs to get settled in her room.

Essence: Molly meets Jane and Chessie (the dog) for the first time; Molly sees the restaurant for the first time.

Conflict: Molly doesn’t want to be there and is still wiping away tears. Molly hates seafood!

Subtext: Jane and Ed exchange glances as if they know something

Hope/fear: Hope Molly can adjust eventually; Fear – What if it’s horrible?

Beginning: (Apprehension) Ed introduces Molly to his dog, Chessie. Molly looks around the restaurant.

Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) Ed introduces Molly to his cook, Jane who looks over her glasses at Molly.

Ending: (Apprehension) Jane takes Molly upstairs to her bedroom

3. INT BEDROOM OVER RESTAURANT – DAY CONTINUOUS

Scene Arc: Jane and Chessie show Molly her room and tell her how things operate.

Essence: Molly looks around her bedroom; Molly gets to know Jane and Chessie a bit

Conflict: Molly doesn’t want to be there

Subtext: Molly is very sad that her mom has abandoned her

Hope/fear: Hope that Molly will like her room, Jane and Chessie. Fear that she’ll run away if she doesn’t.

Beginning: (Fear) Jane and Chessie show Molly into her bedroom to get settled.

Middle: (Sadness) Jane explains to Molly how Ed likes things to run and what is expected of her.

Ending: (Curiosity) Molly asks questions. Jane answers a couple, but then has to go.

4. INT RESTAURANT KITCHEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Molly comes downstairs and goes into the kitchen where Jane is working on the dinner courses.

Essence: Molly talks to Jane; Ed interrupts

Conflict: Ed tells Molly that she will work in the restaurant. Molly objects strongly.

Subtext: Ed is in charge. Molly must be subordinate.

Hope/fear: Hope that Molly will have a say in her own life. Fear Molly and Ed will continue to bump heads.

Beginning: (External Dilemma) Molly goes into Jane’s kitchen to ask her more questions. Jane tells her to be quiet and observe. But Molly says she’s not like that.

Middle: (Superior Position) Ed interrupts the kitchen talk and tells Molly that she will be working in the dining room cleaning tables every day after school.

Ending: (Conflict) Molly protests and calls it against child labor laws. Ed counters with the old “while you’re living under my roof” saying. Molly storms up to her room.

5. INT RESTAURANT – EVENING CONTINUOUS

Scene Arc: Molly is standing in the restaurant disgusted watching the patrons eat crabs. Ed yells at her to wipe down a table. Molly is mad that she’s been forced into child labor.

Essence: Molly hates it here already.

Conflict: Molly and Ed argue because she doesn’t want to work.

Subtext: Molly and Ed are both mad at April.

Hope/fear: Hope they can find a way to get along. Fear they will never get along.

Beginning: (Hate) Molly is standing in the restaurant because she doesn’t want to work and hates seafood!

Middle: (Drama) Ed yells at Molly to wipe down a table.

Ending: (Defiance) Molly slowly wipes the table off.

6. EXT RESTAURANT – EVENING CONTINUOUS

Scene Arc: Molly takes out the garbage and gets hassled.

Essence: Molly wonders what Ed is to her.

Conflict: Molly is teased by the bus boys. They call her “Ed’s princess love child”.

Subtext: Molly wonders why they would say that. Ed’s not her father.

Hope/fear: Hope that Molly finds out that Ed is her father. Fear she won’t accept it.

Beginning: (Disgust) Molly reluctantly collects the stinky brown paper full of crab carcasses and takes it outside to the trash dumpster.

Middle: (Superior Position) The bus boy follows her outside and makes fun of her when she gets crab fluid all over herself. He calls her “Ed’s princess love child” (Molly doesn’t know Ed is her father)

Ending: (Conflict) Molly tries to physically fight with the bus boy. He laughs at her. Ed breaks it up. Molly runs inside.

7. EXT BEACH – DAY

Scene Arc: Molly meets Mars on the beach under an umbrella

Essence: Molly and Mars both love dance

Conflict: Ed said one of his rules was not dancing

Subtext: Molly hopes Mars can help her with her dream

Hope/fear: Can Molly get Mars to help her?

Beginning: (Intrigue) Molly is dancing on the beach and notices Mars. They meet.

Middle: (Sadness) Mars is sad because he lost his partner. Molly is sad because her mother left her. They bond.

Ending: (Bonding) Mars explains he’s a choreographer. Molly says she’s a dancer. Instant friends as they discuss Molly’s dream to dance in the Nutcracker Ballet in NYC.

ACT TWO

8. INT MARS DANCE STUDIO/HOUSE – DAY

Scene Arc: Mars is coaching Molly on steps for the Nutcracker. Molly and Mars talk about getting to NYC for the audition.

Essence: Shows the bonding between Molly and Mars

Conflict: How will they get to NYC for the audition? Molly sneaks out of the house every day to dance with Mars

Subtext: Ed will never let Molly go

Hope/fear: Molly will get to NYC for the audition and get a dream part

Beginning: (Happiness) Molly is dancing in Mars’ home studio. They are working on the Nutcracker choreography.

Middle: (Intrigue) Mars tells Molly that he called a colleague in NY and got her an audition.

Ending: (Internal/External Dilemma) Molly is ecstatic but knows Ed will never let her go.

9. EXT CHESAPEAKE BAY – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Molly and Ed have a fight and Molly runs out into a storm. Chessie follows her and they get into a small boat. Ed tries to get to them, but Mars sees them and swims out to them, pulling them to shore.

Essence: Mars saves Molly, not Ed. Ed acts more upset about Chessie than Molly.

Conflict: Molly and Ed fight over her dancing and working at the restaurant

Subtext: Ed can’t take care of Molly. Ed feels bad about forcing her out into the storm.

Hope/fear: We hope Molly gets saved!

Beginning: (Superior Position) Molly and Ed are arguing about going to NYC to audition. Ed made it clear, no dancing, no leaving. A storm is raging outside.

Middle: (Surprise) Molly runs out into the storm. Chessie follows her. They get into a dinghy, and she pushes off into the storm. Chessie barks at her from the shore. Ed yells at her to come back. Mars sees this from his window and comes out to help.

Ending: (Suspense) Molly is caught in the waves and goes overboard. She is screaming for help. Ed doesn’t know what to do. Mars swims out to Molly and pulls her to shore. He picks her up and carries her to Ed’s house.

10. INT MOLLY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Molly is recovering from her ordeal. Jane is helping her dry off and getting her ready for bed.

Essence: Molly and Jane talk about Ed and why he is the way he is

Conflict: Molly is still upset with Ed

Subtext: Molly wonders if she should stay or go away forever

Hope/fear: Hope Molly can make up with Ed. Fear she might run away.

Beginning: (Superior Position) Jane is helping Molly dry off and get ready for bed after her ordeal. Jane explains that Ed has a tough exterior, but he is soft inside. Molly should be patient with him.

Middle: (Surprise) Molly bluntly asks if Ed is her father. Jane will not answer…it’s not her place.

Ending: (Uncomfortable moment) Ed awkwardly sticks his head in the door. Tells Molly he will talk to her tomorrow and get some rest.

11. INT MOLLY’S BEDROOM – MORNING

Scene Arc: Molly packs a small bag. She climbs out the second-floor window and shimmies down the roof. She runs down the beach towards Mars’ house.

Essence: Molly runs away with Mars to NYC to go to the audition

Conflict: Molly doesn’t have permission from Ed to go

Subtext: Molly refuses to give up her dream for anyone

Hope/fear: Molly and Mars will be safe, and she will get the part

Beginning: (Internal Dilemma) Molly packs a small bag.

Middle: (Suspense) Molly climbs out the second-floor window

Ending: (Suspense) Molly shimmies down the roof and runs towards Mars’ house down the beach.

ACT THREE

12. INT MARS’ CAR – DAY

Scene Arc: Mars and Molly are on the way to NYC for the Nutcracker audition they have been secretly working on.

Essence: Molly lies to Mars and says that Ed said she could go because he felt bad about the storm.

Conflict: Molly lying could get Mars in big trouble.

Subtext: Molly is determined to follow her dream no matter the consequences.

Hope/fear: Hope Molly will be safe, and she will get the part she desires. Fear something might happen to her in NYC or won’t get a part.

Beginning: (Lying) Molly tells Mars that Ed said she could go because he felt bad about the storm incident.

Middle: (Internal Dilemma) Molly is so happy to be getting her chance at her dream, yet upset that she’s had to lie to Mars and Ed to do it.

Ending: (Suspense) Ed texts Molly and threatens Mars, but Molly doesn’t tell Mars about the text.

13. EXT ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: Molly and Mars return from NYC. Molly has gotten a good part in the Nutcracker.

Essence: Mars tries to convince Ed to let her go back to NYC because it’s the opportunity of a lifetime for a girl.

Conflict: Mars tries to tell Ed what a good dancer Molly is, but he doesn’t want to hear it. He forbids Molly from going to NYC again.

Subtext: Ed is scared that something will happen to Molly or that she won’t return as April didn’t.

Hope/fear: Hopefully, Molly will get to dance her dream

Beginning: (Uncertainty) Molly faces Ed upon returning from NYC. Mars tries to convince Ed that Molly is an accomplished dancer, and this is the opportunity of a lifetime.

Middle: (Conflict) Ed says she cannot go back to NYC, and he forbids her from dancing at all. He forbids her from seeing Mars again too. She has to concentrate on her work in the restaurant.

Ending: (Betrayal) Molly protests. Mars leaves against Molly’s wishes. Molly says she’ll never forgive Ed for smashing her dream.

14. INT ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Ed and Molly have a huge fight about the Nutcracker. After Jane tells Ed that Molly did it again and ran off to NYC, he decides he’s going after them.

Essence: Ed goes after Molly and informs the police that she ran away with Mars to NYC

Conflict: Mars wants to talk to Ed before they go but Molly makes excuses

Subtext: Ed is worried sick about Molly; Molly will do anything to dance

Hope/fear: Ed can get to Molly before anything happens to her. But also, that Molly makes her dream come true.

Beginning: (Conflict) Ed and Molly fight about him not letting her dance.

Middle: (Betrayal) Molly sneaks out. Jane saw Molly and Mars drive off and she betrays Molly by telling Ed.

Ending: (Intrigue) Ed goes after Molly and Mars in NYC.

ACT FOUR

15. INT NYC BALLET THEATER – EVENING

Scene Arc: Ed storms into the theater with a policeman! But when he sees Molly exquisitely dancing in the Nutcracker, he backs down and dismisses the police. He can’t bring himself to ruin her dream after all.

Essence: Ed realizes he was wrong; Sees April and all the emotions of the past flood back to him.

Conflict: April wants to return, but Ed will need to think about it.

Subtext: Ed is still hurt that she left him.

Hope/fear: Hopefully, they can work it out so they can be a family for once.

Beginning: (Character changes radically – Ed/More interesting setting) Seeing Molly dancing in the Nutcracker Ed breaks down and changes his mind about dragging her home. He decides not to sic the cops on Mars.

Middle: (Uncomfortable Moment) After the performance, Ed runs into April. (Not an accident on April’s part.) They discuss that Molly danced beautifully.

Ending: (Character changes radically – April) April asks Ed if she can come back to him. Ed in a weak moment, says he’ll think about it. Ed drives back to the Bay alone.

16. EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: Molly returns from NYC with her tail between her legs. Ed has had time to reflect, so he doesn’t attack Molly as she expects him to do. They discuss what has happened, how they both have been hurt by April and whether to invite her back.

Essence: Ed has changed by seeing Molly dance and realizing it’s her calling just as it was April’s. Molly has reached her dream, but finds it bittersweet because she hurt Ed.

Conflict: Ed and Molly have to put aside their past to move ahead. Will they ever forgive April?

Subtext: Ed and Molly are more alike than different and have more in common than they knew.

Hope/fear: Hope that the reunion will last. Fear that April will ruin it.

Beginning: (Defiance) Molly returns from her triumphant performance in NY and immediately tells Ed she’s sorry, but it was her dream. She’ll die without dancing!

Middle: (Character changes radically/Surprise) Ed says he knows about dreams. Ed lets Molly know that he and April were in love.

Ending: (Cliffhanger) Molly is surprised at his reaction. Ed tells Molly that April has asked to come home. Can they both forgive her?

17. INT. ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Scene Arc: April returns. April tells Ed that Molly is his daughter and not the choreographer’s she ran off with years before.

Essence: April makes amends and confesses her love for Ed

Conflict: Ed still loves April too, but can he forgive her for leaving him?

Subtext: Ed’s hurt. April was hurt.

Hope/fear: Hope that they can work it out. Fear they won’t and it’ll all fall apart again.

Beginning: (Uncertainty) April returns and begs Ed to forgive her. He says it’s Molly’s forgiveness she needs to beg for.

Middle: (Reveal) April tells Ed that Molly is his daughter. She was pregnant when she left him.

Ending: (Relief) Ed breaks down and cries. He is happy that Molly is really his despite everything that has happened.

18. EXT. MARS’ DRIVEWAY – DAY

Scene Arc: Molly says goodbye to Mars. Mars leaves to go back to NYC and pick up his life as a choreographer.

Essence: Molly’s dream has been realized thanks to Mars. Show love between them and endearing friendship.

Conflict: Molly doesn’t want to say goodbye to Mars. He’s her best friend at the Bay and her mentor.

Subtext: Love can exist between an unlikely pair such as a grown man and a 10-year-old girl.

Hope/fear: Hope that Mars can return to his life and be a success. Fear that Molly will never dance as she did in NYC again.

Beginning: (Separation) Mars and Molly are in his driveway to say goodbye to each other. They talk about their unlikely friendship.

Middle: (Suspense) Ed comes over and surprisingly thanks Mars for taking care of Molly better than he did.

Ending: (Creating a Future) Mars says he’ll be back next summer as he drives away.

19. INT. SHED BEHIND RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: One Month Later. April has set up a dance studio in the shed behind the restaurant and teaches dance.

Essence: April is teaching Molly dance when they aren’t working in the restaurant.

Conflict: Ed emerges from the restaurant and sits on the porch looking exhausted. He has given in to dance.

Subtext: Ed is ill. April and Molly are happy to be dancing again.

Hope/fear: Hope that April and Molly continue to dance. Fear that Ed isn’t going to be around much longer.

Beginning: (More interesting setting) Molly is in the shed teaching dance to smaller little girls.

Middle: (Reveal) April comes out of the restaurant to check on Molly’s teaching and bring water to the girls. Molly thanks April for making the studio for her.

Ending: (Drama) Ed comes out on the porch looking absolutely exhausted and sits on the porch watching April and Molly.

20. EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: Six months later. April has been running the restaurant which is closed today. Ed is lying on a chaise on the patio with a blanket over him. Molly is sitting with him. April brings hot tea.

Essence: April, Ed, and Molly have been a family for 6 months. Ed dies. Molly dances a tribute to Ed on the beach at the end.

Conflict: Ed looks peaceful when he dies. April and Molly console each other.

Subtext: Ed is gone.

Hope/fear: Hope April and Molly can be happy without Ed. Fear is they won’t be happy without him.

Beginning: (Twist) Ed is lying on a chaise on the patio with a blanket over him. Molly is sitting with him. April brings hot tea.

Middle: (Surprise) Ed makes amends and declares his love for April and Molly as he dies peacefully.

Ending: (Uncertainty) Molly dances on the beach to express her love and grief over Ed. April looks on.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 4 – Lesson 9 Scene Requirements

Lisa Long’s Scene Requirements

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to put together the scenes bit by bit. Build upon each lesson to create a strong outline.

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Genre: Drama

ACT ONE

EXT. PARKING LOT ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: April drops off Molly, her 10-year-old daughter with Ed and drives off. Molly melts down and Ed takes her inside. Ed lives over the restaurant.

Essence:
Ed and Molly meet for the first
time.
Conflict:
Molly is left with Ed, a
stranger.
Subtext:
April is a dancer/gypsy with a
boyfriend show doesn’t care for kids. She figures Molly would be better
off in one place. Molly is abandoned. Ed doesn’t know how to care for a
kid.
Hope/fear:
We hope April comes back for
Molly. Or that Ed will treat Molly well. How will Molly cope?

INT. ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: Ed has his cook and right-hand person Jane take Molly upstairs to get settled in her room.

Essence:
Molly meets Jane and Chessie
(the dog) for the first time; Molly sees the restaurant for the
first time.
Conflict:
Molly doesn’t want to be there
and is still wiping away tears. Molly hates seafood!
Subtext:
Jane and Ed exchange glances as
if they know something
Hope/fear:
We hope Molly can adjust
eventually; What if it’s horrible?

INT. BEDROOM OVER RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: Jane and Chessie show Molly her room and tell her how things operate.

Essence:
Molly looks around her bedroom;
Molly gets to know Jane and Chessie a bit
Conflict:
Molly doesn’t want to be there.
Subtext:
Molly is very sad that her mom
has abandoned her
Hope/fear:
Hopefully, Molly will like her
room, Jane and Chessie. What if she doesn’t?

INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN – DAY

Scene Arc: Molly comes downstairs and goes into the kitchen where Jane is working on the dinner courses.

Essence:
Molly talks to Jane; Ed
interrupts
Conflict:
Ed tells Molly that she will
work in the restaurant. Molly objects strongly.
Subtext:
Ed is in charge. Molly must be
subordinate.
Hope/fear:
Will Molly and Ed continue to
bump heads? Will Molly have any choice in the matter?

INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING

Scene Arc: Molly is standing in the restaurant watching the patrons eat crabs. Ed yells at her to wipe down a table. Molly is mad that she’s been forced into child labor.

Essence:
Molly hates it here already.
Conflict:
Molly and Ed argue because she
doesn’t want to work.
Subtext:
Molly and Ed are both mad at
April.
Hope/fear:
Can they work out their
differences and get along?

EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Molly takes out the garbage and gets hassled.

Essence:
Molly wonders what Ed is to
her.
Conflict:
Molly is teased by the bus boys.
They call her “Ed’s love child”.
Subtext:
Molly wonders why they would
say that. Ed’s not her father.
Hope/fear:
We know that Ed is her father,
but she doesn’t know it.

EXT. BEACH – DAY

Scene Arc: Molly meets Mars on the beach under an umbrella

Essence:
Molly and Mars both love dance
Conflict:
Ed said one of his rules was
not dancing
Subtext:
Molly hopes Mars can help her
with her dream
Hope/fear:
Can Molly get Mars to help her?

ACT TWO

INT. MARS DANCE STUDIO/HOUSE – DAY

Scene Arc: Mars is coaching Molly on steps for the Nutcracker. Molly and Mars talk about getting to NYC for the audition.

Essence:
Shows the bonding between Molly
and Mars
Conflict:
How will they get to NYC for
the audition? Molly sneaks out of the house every day to dance with Mars
Subtext:
Ed will never let Molly go
Hope/fear:
Molly will get to NYC for the
audition and get a dream part

EXT. CHESAPEAKE BAY – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Molly and Ed have a fight and Molly runs out into a storm. Chessie follows her and they get into a small boat. Ed tries to get to them, but Mars sees them and swims out to them, pulling them to shore.

Essence:
Mars saves Molly, not Ed. Ed
acts more upset about Chessie than Molly.
Conflict:
Molly and Ed fight over her
dancing and working at the restaurant
Subtext:
Ed can’t take care of Molly. Ed
feels bad about forcing her out into the storm.
Hope/fear:
We hope Molly gets saved!

INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Molly is recovering from her ordeal. Jane is helping her dry off and getting her ready for bed.

Essence:
Molly and Jane talk about Ed
and why he is the way he is
Conflict:
Molly is still upset with Ed
Subtext:
Molly wonders if she should
stay or go away forever
Hope/fear:
We hope Molly can rest and make
up with Ed

INT. MOLLY’S BEDROOM – MORNING

Scene Arc: Molly packs a small bag. She climbs out the second-floor window and shimmies down the roof. She runs down the beach towards Mars’ house.

Essence:
Molly runs away with Mars to NYC
to go to the audition
Conflict:
Molly doesn’t have permission
from Ed to go
Subtext:
Molly refuses to give up her
dream for anyone
Hope/fear:
Molly and Mars will be safe,
and she will get the part

ACT THREE

INT. MARS’ CAR – DAY

Scene Arc: Mars and Molly are on the way to NYC for the Nutcracker audition they have been secretly working on.

Essence:
Molly lies to Mars and says
that Ed said she could go because he felt bad about the storm.
Conflict:
Molly lying could get Mars in
big trouble.
Subtext:
Molly is determined to follow
her dream no matter the consequences.
Hope/fear:
Molly will be safe, and she
will get the part she desires.

EXT. ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: Molly and Mars return from NYC. Molly has gotten a good part in the Nutcracker.

Essence:
Mars tries to convince Ed to
let her go because it’s the opportunity of a lifetime for a girl.
Conflict:
Mars tries to tell Ed what a
good dancer Molly is, but he doesn’t want to hear it. He forbids Molly
from going to NYC again.
Subtext:
Ed is scared that something
will happen to Molly or that she won’t return as April didn’t.
Hope/fear:
Hopefully, Molly will get to
dance her dream

INT. ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Scene Arc: Ed and Molly have a huge fight about the Nutcracker. After Ed figures out that Molly did it again and ran off to NYC, he decides he’s going after them.

Essence:
Ed goes after Molly and informs
the police that she ran away with Mars to NYC
Conflict:
Mars wants to talk to Ed before
they go but Molly makes excuses
Subtext:
Ed is worried sick about Molly;
Molly will do anything to dance
Hope/fear:
Ed can get to Molly before
anything happens to her. But also, that Molly makes her dream come true.

ACT FOUR

INT. NYC BALLET THEATER – EVENING

Scene Arc: Ed storms into the theater with a policeman! But when he sees Molly exquisitely dancing in the Nutcracker, he backs down and dismisses the police. He can’t bring himself to ruin her dream after all.

Essence:
Ed realizes he was wrong; Sees
April and all the emotions of the past flood back to him.
Conflict:
April wants to return, but Ed
will need to think about it.
Subtext:
Ed is still hurt that she left
him.
Hope/fear:
Hopefully, they can work it out
so they can be a family for once.

EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: Molly returns from NYC with her tail between her legs. Ed has had time to reflect, so he doesn’t attack Molly as she expects him to do. They discuss what has happened, how they both have been hurt by April and whether to invite her back.

Essence:
Ed has changed by seeing Molly
dance and realizing it’s her calling just as it was April’s. Molly has
reached her dream but finds it bittersweet because she hurt Ed.
Conflict:
Ed and Molly have to put aside
their past to move ahead. Will they ever forgive April?
Subtext:
Ed and Molly are more alike
than different and have more in common than they knew.
Hope/fear:
Hope that the reunion will
last. Fear that April will ruin it.

INT. ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Scene Arc: April returns. April tells Ed that Molly is his daughter and not the choreographer’s she ran off with years before.

Essence:
April makes amends and
confesses her love for Ed
Conflict:
Ed still loves April too, but
can he forgive her for leaving him?
Subtext:
Ed’s hurt. April was hurt.
Hope/fear:
Hope that they can work it out.
Fear they won’t and it’ll all fall apart again.

EXT. MARS’ DRIVEWAY – DAY

Scene Arc: Molly says goodbye to Mars. Mars leaves to go back to NYC and pick up his life as a choreographer.

Essence:
Molly’s dream has been realized
thanks to Mars. Show love between them and endearing friendship.
Conflict:
Molly doesn’t want to say
goodbye to Mars. He’s her best friend at the Bay and her mentor.
Subtext:
Love can exist between an
unlikely pair such as a grown man and a 10-year-old girl.
Hope/fear:
Hope that Mars can return to
his life and be a success. Fear that Molly will never dance as she did in
NYC again.

INT. SHED BEHIND RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: One Month Later. April has set up a dance studio in the shed behind the restaurant and teaches dance.

Essence:
April is teaching Molly dance
when they aren’t working in the restaurant.
Conflict:
Ed emerges from the restaurant
and sits on the porch looking exhausted. He has given in to dance.
Subtext:
Ed is ill. April and Molly are
happy to be dancing again.
Hope/fear:
Hope that April and Molly
continue to dance. Fear that Ed isn’t going to be around much longer.

EXT. PATIO ED’S SEAFOOD RESTAURANT – DAY

Scene Arc: Six months later. April has been running the restaurant which is closed today. Ed is lying on a chaise on the patio with a blanket over him. Molly is sitting with him. April brings hot tea.

Essence:
April, Ed, and Molly have been a
family for 6 months. Ed dies. Molly dances a tribute to Ed on the beach at
the end.
Conflict:
Ed looks peaceful when he dies.
April and Molly console each other.
Subtext:
Ed is gone.
Hope/fear:
Hope April and Molly can be
happy without Ed. Fear is they won’t be happy without him.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 4 – Lesson 8 Intriguing Moments

Lisa Long’s Intriguing Moments

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that intrigue can be added to all types of stories. And you can add intrigue in the outline phase before you even write the script.

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Genre: Drama

ACT 1 – Intriguing Moments

Secret – April has arranged with Ed to drop off Molly. Molly didn’t know that April was planning this all along.

Hidden Identity – April doesn’t tell Molly that Ed is her father, just that he’s agreed to take care of her.

Mystery – Why would a stranger take Molly in?

Superior Position – Ed is the boss and Molly rejects his authority over her.

ACT 2 – Intriguing Moments

Covert Agenda/Scheme – Mars and Molly team up to get Molly to NYC for an audition without anyone knowing.

Intrigue – Why is Ed so against Mars? Is it because he’s gay or black? Or just because dance destroyed his relationship with April?

ACT 3 – Intriguing Moments

Intrigue – Molly gets into a boat that is caught in a storm. How will she get out of this? Who will save her?

Intrigue – Molly and Mars go to NYC so she can dance in the Nutcracker and Ed follows them with the police. What will happen?

Covert Agenda – April “accidentally” runs into Ed in NYC to feel him out about moving back to the Bay with him and Molly.

ACT 4 – Intriguing Moments

Intrigue – Will Ed allow April to return to him and Molly? How will Molly respond?

Hidden Identity – Ed is actually a softy and expresses his love for Molly. His grumpy old man act was a façade he used to keep anyone from seeing his emotions.

Intrigue – Mars returns to NYC to regain his career in choreography. Will he and Molly see each other again?

Secret – Ed has known for some time that he is ill. That is why he agreed to take Molly. He wanted to get to know his daughter before he passed.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 4 – Lesson 7 Depth Emotional Moments

Lisa Long’s Emotional Moments

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to work the emotion into the scenes even before you write them.

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Genre: Drama

ACT 1 – Emotional Moments

Positive

Courage – After breaking down due to being abandoned by her mom, Molly finds the courage to access her new situation.

Love – After Molly breaks down, Ed picks her up even though he’s totally out of his element.

Negative

Distress – Both characters are in a new situation and trying to figure each other out. How should they act toward each other?

Wound – Molly and Ed have each been wounded by the same person.

Emotional Dilemma – Molly contemplates running away, but ultimately decides to tough it out…leaving the option on the table.

ACT 2 – Emotional Moments

Positive

Bonding – Mars and Molly create a deep bond over dance

Excitement – Molly is excited about the opportunity to dance in the Nutcracker Ballet and fulfill a lifelong dream

Negative

Moral Issue – Molly decides to lie to Mars and not tell Ed her plans even though she knows each will probably be mad at her for it. She feels it’s worth it to reach her dream.

Betrayal – Ed is betrayed by Molly in that she just ran off and didn’t give him the respect he’s due as her father. Respect that he asked her for when she first arrived.

ACT 3 – Emotional Moments

Positive

Surprise – Ed is surprised to run into April, the love of his life, in NYC. April is also surprised that Ed left the Bay for the big city.

Love – Ed and April have a chemistry that cannot be denied and had never really dwindled.

Negative

Wound – Ed was deeply wounded by April leaving him. April left because she didn’t think she could live the “quiet’ life after all.

Emotional Dilemma – April asks Ed to return to the Bay. Ed is still hurt and says he’ll have to think about it…not sure what he’ll do in the end.

ACT 4 – Emotional Moments

Positive

Success/Winning – Molly realized her dream of dancing in the Nutcracker Ballet

Bonding/Courage – Ed and Molly bond over their mutual heartbreak caused by April, but they decide to forgive April for her wrongs to them.

Surprise – Ed and Molly express their newfound love for each other, which surprises them.

Love – Mars is leaving, and Molly has to say goodbye to him. They have formed a special bond and say they love each other.

Negative

Hidden Weakness – Ed reveals that he is ill and dying. He has known this for some time but wanted the chance to get to know his daughter before passing.

Distress/Sacrifice – April and Molly have to take care of Ed and tend to the restaurant.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 4 – Lesson 6 – What Do You Reveal and When

Lisa Long’s Reveal!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to incorporate setups and reveals early in the process to keep the storyline on track and add interest.

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Genre: Drama

ACT 1:

Setup: Molly puts on a brave face to everyone and pretends she’s strong

Reveal: When Molly goes into her bedroom at night she falls apart because April abandoned her

Setup: Ed is a curmudgeon – acts like a grumpy old man to everyone

Reveal: When Ed goes into his bedroom at night he falls apart because he still misses April

ACT 2:

Setup: Molly tells Mars that Ed said she could go to NYC for the audition

Reveal: When Ed’s calls blow up Molly’s phone in route, Mars confronts Molly and finds out that she lied. He wants to turn around, but Molly convinces him that it’s too late

ACT 3:

Setup: April and Ed meet at the performance and the hurt is palpable between them

Reveal: Audience finds out that April left Ed for a choreographer

Setup: April hints at the mistakes she’s made over the years

Reveal: April wants to return to the Bay

ACT 4:

Setup: April returns to the Bay

Reveal: She never stopped loving Ed

Setup: Ed is slowing down and can’t sustain the pace he is used to around the restaurant. April pitches in

Reveal: Ed is very ill and dying

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 4 – Lesson 5 – Character Action Tracks

Lisa Long’s Character Action Tracks!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is the outline is starting to come together as I add layers to the characters and break it out into beats.

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Genre: Drama

Act 1:

1. Molly is dropped off at her father Edgar’s restaurant/house on the Chesapeake Bay. A speeding car pulls up outside Edgar’s Seafood restaurant and April pulls her daughter Molly out of the car against her will.

2. Molly is left with Ed, her father that she’s never known. Melting down, Molly chases after the car as it speeds away.

3. Edgar is strong and quiet, trying to figure Molly out. He is still pining over April, the only woman he’s ever loved, even though she left him and didn’t tell him she was pregnant at the time. This has made him not trust people.

4. His dog, Chessie is the most important “person” to him. Edgar never wanted to be a dad because he didn’t have one and always thought he’d suck at it. Suddenly, he’s taken in his long-gone child.

Inciting Incident:

5. Edgar puts Molly to work in the restaurant against her will. She has to earn her keep even though she is his daughter.

6. Molly gets teased by the servers and bus boy about being “old man Ed’s” love child.

7. Ed and Molly fight over her having to work.

Turning Point 1:

8. Molly meets Mars on the beach who is a gay, Black choreographer and they strike up a friendship over dance.

9. Mars is hiding out at the beach to mourn the passing of his partner.

10. Molly will never give up dance, but Ed finds it too difficult to watch Molly dance because it reminds him of April.

11. When Ed eventually finds out she’s dancing, he objects not only to Molly’s dancing, but to Mars. Mars thinks Ed’s racist or homophobic, but it’s really because he’s a choreographer. April left Ed for one. It also has put doubt in Ed’s head as to whether Molly is really his or the choreographers.

Act 2:

12. Mars gets Molly an audition for the Nutcracker in NYC.

13. Mars and Molly plot how to get her there.

14. Every day while Ed takes his pre-dinner service nap, Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to dance. She can’t live without dancing and so justifies sneaking around behind Ed’s back.

Turning Point 2/Midpoint:

15. A hurricane blows into the Bay.

16. Molly and Ed argue over dance again.

17. Molly runs out and gets into a small boat.

18. Chessie, the dog follows her and jumps in the boat.

19. Ed is terrified, and he tries to reach them in the storm.

20. Mars saves them and carries Molly home.

21. Ed can’t bring himself to even thank Mars. He gets furious at Molly instead of showing her that she is safe with him…but he hugs and kisses Chessie.

Act 3:

22. Molly lies to Mars and tells him that Ed said it was okay to go to the audition because he felt sorry for her almost dying in the storm.

23. Mars and Molly take off for NYC.

24. Molly returns with a part in the Nutcracker.

25. Ed forbids her to go back.

26. Molly can’t give up or give in to Ed’s fears. She is so close to her dream coming true. She’s going to dance in the Nutcracker if it kills her!

Turning Point 3:

27. Ed and Molly have a huge fight about the Nutcracker.

28. Mars wants to talk to Ed before they go back to NYC, but Molly makes excuses, and they take off for NYC.

29. After Ed figures out that Molly did it again and ran off to NYC with Mars to dance, he decides he’s going after them.

Act 4 Climax:

30. Ed storms into the theater with a policeman! But when he sees Molly exquisitely dancing in the Nutcracker, he backs down and dismisses the police. He can’t bring himself to ruin her dream after all.

31. April shows up to see Molly dance too. April tells Ed that she wants to come home.

32. Ed says he’ll think about it. He returns to the Chesapeake Bay alone.

33. Molly returns to the Bay after the show run with her tail between her legs. She finally realizes the toll her dream has taken on Ed.

Resolution:

34. Ed comes clean about the past that he’s holding onto and finally expresses his love for Molly.

35. Molly in turn expresses her love for him too.

36. Molly is angry with her mother for leaving her.

37. Ed is still angry with April for leaving him too.

38. Molly and Ed realize they have a lot in common and they have learned to love each other.

39. April returns and they all work on healing.

40. April tells Ed that Molly is indeed his daughter. She helps Ed with the restaurant while teaching Molly dance.

41. Mars returns to NYC to begin again.

42. Six months later, Edgar is ill. The family is back together as Ed passes away.

43. Molly and April dance on the beach as an expression of mourning, love, and tribute to Edgar.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 4 – Lesson 4 – Basic Plotting

Lisa Long’s New Outline Beats!

I realize I didn’t do this assignment as I should have…will correct it next time.

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is incorporating character journeys and deeper meanings into the structure will make the plot stronger from the beginning.

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Genre: Drama

Act 1: Molly is dropped off at her father Edgar’s restaurant/house on the Chesapeake Bay.

Opening: A speeding car pulls up outside Edgar’s Seafood restaurant and April pulls her daughter Molly out of the car against her will. Molly is left with Ed, her father that she’s never known. Melting down, Molly chases after the car as it speeds away.

Edgar is strong and quiet, trying to figure Molly out. He is still pining over April, the only woman he’s ever loved, even though she left him and didn’t tell him she was pregnant at the time. This has made him not trust people. His dog, Chessie is the most important “person” to him. Edgar never wanted to be a dad because he didn’t have one and always thought he’d suck at it. Suddenly, he’s taken in his long-gone child.

Inciting Incident: Edgar puts Molly to work in the restaurant against her will. She has to earn her keep even though she is his daughter. She gets teased by the servers and bus boy about being “old man Ed’s” love child. Ed and Molly fight over her having to work.

Turning Point 1: Molly meets Mars on the beach who is a gay, Black choreographer and they strike up a friendship over dance. Mars is hiding out at the beach to mourn the passing of his partner.

Molly will never give up dance, but Ed finds it too difficult to watch Molly dance because it reminds him of April. When Ed eventually finds out she’s dancing, he objects not only to Molly’s dancing, but to Mars. Mars thinks Ed’s racist or homophobic, but it’s really because he’s a choreographer. April left Ed for one. It also has put doubt in Ed’s head as to whether Molly is really his or the choreographers.

Act 2: Mars gets Molly an audition for the Nutcracker in NYC. They plot how to get her there. Every day while Ed takes his pre-dinner service nap, Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to dance. She can’t live without dancing and so justifies sneaking around behind Ed’s back.

Turning Point 2/Midpoint: A hurricane blows into the Bay. Molly runs out and gets into a small boat. Chessie follows her and jumps in the boat. Ed is terrified and he tries to reach them in the storm. When Mars saves them and carries Molly home, Ed can’t bring himself to even thank Mars. He gets furious at Molly instead of showing her that she is safe with him…but he hugs and kisses Chessie.

Act 3: Molly lies to Mars and tells him that Ed said it was okay to go to the audition because he felt sorry for her almost dying in the storm. They take off for NYC. When she returns with a part in the Nutcracker, Ed forbids her to go back. Molly can’t give up or give in to Ed’s fears. She is so close to her dream coming true. She’s going to dance in the Nutcracker if it kills her!

Turning Point 3: Ed and Molly have a huge fight about the Nutcracker. Mars wants to talk to Ed before they go, but Molly makes excuses, and they take off for NYC. After Ed figures out that Molly did it again and ran off to NYC with Mars to dance, he decides he’s going after them.

Act 4 Climax: Ed storms into the theater with a policeman! But when he sees Molly exquisitely dancing in the Nutcracker, he backs down and dismisses the police. He can’t bring himself to ruin her dream after all. April shows up to see Molly dance too. April tells Ed that she wants to come home. Ed says he’ll think about it. He returns to the Chesapeake Bay alone.

Molly returns to the Bay after the show run with her tail between her legs. She finally realizes the toll her dream has taken on Ed.

Resolution: Ed comes clean about the past that he’s holding onto and finally expresses his love for Molly. Molly in turn expresses her love for him too. Molly is angry with her mother for leaving her. Ed is still angry with April for leaving him too. Molly and Ed realize they have a lot in common and they have learned to love each other.

April returns and they all work on healing. April tells Ed that Molly is indeed his daughter. She helps Ed with the restaurant while teaching Molly dance. Mars returns to NYC to begin again. Six months later, Edgar is ill. The family is back together as Ed passes away. Molly and April dance on the beach as an expression of mourning, love, and tribute to Ed.

[Lisa Paris Long]

removed

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 4 – Lesson 3 – Beat Sheet Draft 1

Lisa Long’s Beat Sheet – Draft 1

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is plotting out the story first will save time and heartbreak later in the process.

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Genre: Drama

Act 1: Molly is dropped off at her father Edgar’s restaurant/house on the Chesapeake Bay.

Molly PJ1: A speeding car pulls up outside Edgar’s Seafood restaurant and April her daughter Molly out of the car against her will. Molly is left with Ed, her father that she’s never known. Melting down, Molly chases after the car as it speeds away.

Edgar AJ1: Ed is strong and quiet, trying to figure Molly out. He doesn’t know how to communicate with children since he’s never been a father. Ed is still pining over April, the only woman he’s ever loved, even though she left him and didn’t tell him she was pregnant at the time. This has made him not trust people. Edgar never wanted to be a dad because he didn’t have one and always thought he’d suck at it. Suddenly, he’s taken in his long gone ten-year-old girl.

Inciting Incident: Molly’s father, Edgar puts Molly to work in the restaurant against her will. She has to earn her keep even though she is his daughter. They fight over this.

Turning Point 1: Molly meets Mars a choreographer and they strike up a friendship over dance. Mars is at the beach to mourn the passing of his partner.

Edgar AJ2: Molly can never give up dance, but Ed was hurt by April, Molly’s dancer mom and finds it too difficult to watch Molly dance knowing what he lost. When Ed eventually finds out she’s dancing, he objects not only to Molly’s dancing, but to Mars.

Act 2: Mars gets Molly an audition for the Nutcracker in NYC. They plot how to get her there.

Molly PJ2: Every day while Ed takes his pre-dinner service nap, Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to dance. She can’t go without dance and so justifies sneaking around behind Ed’s back.

Turning Point 2/Midpoint: A hurricane blows in and Mars saves Molly from drowning. Ed is furious at the both of them.

Edgar AJ3: Ed is terrified that he’ll lose Molly and tries to reach her in the storm. When Mars carries Molly home, Ed can’t bring himself to even thank Mars. He gets furious at Molly instead of showing her safety.

Act 3: Molly lies to Mars and tells him that Ed said it was okay to go to the audition. They take off for NYC. When she returns with a part in the Nutcracker, Ed forbids her to go back.

Molly PJ3: Molly can’t imagine her world without dance and will not give up or give in to Ed’s fears. She is so close to her dream coming true!

Turning Point 3: Ed and Molly have a huge fight. Mars wants to talk to Ed before they go, but Molly makes excuses, and they take off for NYC.

Edgar AJ4: After Ed figures out that Molly did it again and ran off to NYC with Mars to dance, he decides he’s going after them.

Act 4 Climax: Ed storms into the theater with a policeman! But when he sees Molly exquisitely dancing in the Nutcracker, he backs down and dismisses the policeman. He can’t bring himself to ruin her dream. April shows up to see Molly dance too. April tells Ed that she wants to come home. Ed says he’ll think about it. He returns to the Bay alone.

Molly PJ4: Molly returns to the Bay after the run with her tail between her legs. She realizes the toll her being there has taken on him.

Edgar AJ5: Ed comes clean about the past that he’s holding onto and finally expresses his love for Molly.

Molly PJ5: Molly in turn expresses her love for him too.

Resolution: Ed and Molly reconcile. April returns and helps Ed with the restaurant while teaching Molly dance. Six months later, Ed is ill. Mars returns to NYC to begin again. The family is back together as Ed passes away. . Molly and April dance on the beach as an expression of mourning, love, and tribute to Ed.

Deeper Layer Reveal: Molly is angry with her mother for leaving her. Ed is still angry with Molly’s mother for leaving him too. In the end, Molly and Ed realize they have a lot in common and they learn to love each other.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 4 – Lesson 2 – The Deeper Layer

Lisa Long’s Deeper Layer!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to think about why the characters are reacting the way they are. What baggage do they carry? What’s lurking under the surface?

Surface
Layer: Molly is afraid of being in a
new place and is scrambling to figure out how to survive. Ed can’t relate
to Molly and doesn’t know how to act or treat her. Ed treats Mars with
distain. Mars thinks he’s racist, but it’s really because of the dancing.
Deeper
Layer: Molly is angry with her mother
for leaving her. Ed is still angry with Molly’s mother for leaving him too.

Major
Reveal: Molly leaves to fulfill her
dream which brings up everything for Ed.
Influences
Surface Story: April appears at Molly’s show
and talks to Ed.
Hints: When Ed sees how wonderful Molly is at dancing, he
realizes that he has been too harsh to her. Mars and Ed come together to
support Molly’s dream.
Changes
Reality: Molly and Ed realize they have
a lot in common and they learn to love each other. April returns and they
reconcile with her. Mars returns to NYC. Ed passes away with his family
around him. April and Molly have reunited and dance together which is how
they express their love.

Beginning: Molly’s mother drops her off at her father’s restaurant/house on the Chesapeake Bay. She has never met her father and has a meltdown as her mother leaves.

Inciting Incident: Molly’s father, Edgar puts Molly to work in the restaurant against her will. She has to earn her keep even though she is his daughter. They fight over this.

Turning Point 1: Molly meets Mars a choreographer and they strike up a friendship over dance. Mars is at the beach to mourn the passing of his partner.

Act 2: Mars gets Molly an audition for the Nutcracker in NYC. They plot how to get her there.

Turning Point 2/Midpoint: A hurricane blows in and Mars saves Molly from drowning. Ed is furious at the both of them.

Act 3: Molly lies to Mars and tells him that Ed said it was okay to go to the audition. They take off for NYC. When she returns with a part in the Nutcracker, Ed forbids her to go.

Turning Point 3: Ed and Molly have a huge fight. Mars wants to talk to Ed before they go, but Molly makes excuses, and they take off for NYC.

Act 4 Climax: Ed follows them to NYC to bring Molly back, but when he sees how exquisite her dancing is, he can’t bring himself to ruin her dream. He sees April there and she asks to come home.

Resolution: Ed and Molly reconcile. April returns. Ed is ill. Mars returns to NYC for good. The family is back together as Ed passes away. April and Molly dance together in tribute.

[Lisa Paris Long]

MODULE 4 – Lesson 1 – Character Journey Structure

Lisa Long’s Character Structure

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to map out the story led by your character’s journeys.

PROTAGONIST – MOLLY, a 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.

Beginning: A speeding car
pulls up outside Edgar’s Seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay and a
woman April gets out. She pulls her daughter Molly out of the car against
her will. Molly is left with Ed, her father that she’s never known. Molly
chases after the car as it speeds away.
Inciting
Incident: Edgar makes Molly wipe tables and serve crabs in the
restaurant, but she doesn’t want to work. They fight for the first time.
Turning
Point 1: Molly meets
Mars a choreographer on the beach. Mars is staying at the beach to mourn
the recent passing of his partner.
Act
2: Mars decides
to help Molly reach her dream of dancing in the Nutcracker in NYC.
They plot how to get there. Every day while Ed takes his pre-dinner
service nap, Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to dance.
Mars calls a contact in NYC and gets Molly an audition in 2 weeks. Right
before the audition, the chef finds out what Molly is doing and tells Ed.
Turning
Point 2 / Midpoint: A
hurricane blows into the area. Ed and Molly argue about Mars, and he
forbids her to see him. His prejudice shows. Molly runs out and gets in a
small boat. She gets swept up in the surf. Mars sees this and saves Molly
from the bay. Mars carries her home in the storm. Ed can’t bring himself
to even thank Mars.
Act
3: It’s time for
the audition. Molly lies to Mars by telling him that Ed said it was okay
for her to go with him to NYC. Mars drives Molly to NYC for the audition. Ed
angrily meets Molly when she returns… with good news, she got a part in
the Nutcracker! Ed says absolutely not!
Turning
Point 3: Ed and Molly
have a huge fight and when Molly storms up to her room, she sneaks out to
Mars’ cottage. Mars wants to talk to Ed before they go, but Molly makes
excuses, and they take off for NYC.
Act
4 Climax: Ed goes to NYC
to bring Molly back. He goes to the theater as the curtain goes up on The
Nutcracker. Ed cries as he sees Molly dance and she’s exquisite,
even for 10. April, Molly’s mom shows up too alone to see Molly dance. Ed
and April discuss their situation with Molly. Ed decides to go home. Molly
returns to Chesapeake after the run.
Resolution:
Molly recognizes
the toll she has taken on Ed. She and Ed decide to try again. Ed comes
clean about the past that he’s holding onto and finally expresses his love
for her. Molly wants to help him. Mars returns to NYC to start again. Six
months later, Ed is ill. April has returned and is playing nurse. We see
the reconciliation and tenderness between all three of them as Ed passes
away. Molly and April dance on the beach as an expression of mourning and
love.

ANTAGONIST – EDGAR (ED), Molly’s estranged 69-year-old father and owner/operator of Edgar’s Seafood Restaurant where they live and work.

Beginning:
Ed is strong and quiet with Molly
at first, trying to figure her out. He doesn’t know how to communicate
with children since he’s never been a father. Ed is still pining over
April, the only woman he’s ever loved, even though she left him and didn’t
tell him she was pregnant at the time. This has made him not trust people.
Inciting
Incident: Ed fights with Molly as he
makes her work in the restaurant because that’s all he knows. And in the
back of his head, he’s thinking she’ll have to take over some day.
Turning
Point 1: Ed forbids her to dance due to his
heartbreak from the breakup with her dancer mother. When Molly befriends
Mars, a black, gay choreographer, she hides from her father that he is
teaching her dance. Ed eventually finds out and objects not only to
Molly’s dancing, but to Mars.
Act
2: The chef at the restaurant
finds out that Molly has been sneaking out to dance with Mars and she
tells Ed.
Turning
Point 2 / Midpoint: A hurricane
blows into the Bay as Molly runs away in a small boat. Ed is terrified
that he’ll lose her and tries to reach her. When Mars saves Molly and carries
her back home, Ed can’t bring himself to even thank Mars. He gets furious
at Molly instead of showing her safety.
Act
3: Ed finds out that Molly
has run off with Mars after he told her that she could not go to NYC. When
she returns after the audition and says she got the part, he forbids her
to leave again…specially to dance!
Turning
Point 3: After Ed figures out that Molly
did it again and ran off to NYC with Mars to dance, he decides he’s going
after them.
Act
4 Climax: Ed storms into the theater with
a policeman! But when he sees Molly dancing in the Nutcracker, he backs
down and dismisses the policeman. April shows up to see Molly dance too.
They talk and April says she wants to come home. Ed says he’ll think about
it. He returns to the Bay alone.
Resolution:
Ed comes clean
about the past that he’s holding onto and finally expresses his love for
her. Molly wants to help him. Mars returns to NYC to start again. Six
months later, Ed is ill. April has returned and is playing nurse. We see
the reconciliation and tenderness between all three of them as Ed passes
away. Molly and April dance on the beach as an expression of mourning and
love.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Everyone–

This is Module 3 – Lesson 8. The DAY equals the LESSON number.

If you have posted anything else here it is in the wrong place. You can delete it and repost in the correct forum. CLICK on the 3 dots on the top right of your post to see options.

Thank you,

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 3 – Lesson 8 – Purpose Driven Supporting Characters

Lisa Long’s Supporting Characters

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that even the secondary and background actors need something interesting to play. Filling out the other characters’ profiles make them feel as real as the main characters.

Supporting Characters

Support 1:

Name: Miss Aveline
Role: 73-year-old Chef at Ed’s Seafood Restaurant
Main
purpose: To impart wisdom to Edgar and
Molly and keep the restaurant going for Ed.
Value: Miss Aveline speaks the truth when others are afraid
to do so. She gives support to those hurting. She softens Edgar’s anger.

Support 2:

Name: Chessie (short for Chesapeake)
Role: Edgar’s dog
Main
purpose: Chessie allows moments of
comfort and play for Edgar and Molly
Value:
Chessie cannot survive without
the love and attention of Edgar, thus showing him that he can
indeed take care of another being.

Support 3:

Name: Ginny
Role: Restaurant server
Main
purpose: She a snotty teenager that
makes fun of Molly.
Value:
She serves to build Molly’s
backbone and instigates Molly’s change to being braver.

Support 4:

Name: Bud
Role: Restaurant server and bus person
Main
purpose: He flirts with Ginny, and they
team up to give Molly a hard time.
Value:
Brings double trouble to Molly
while in the restaurant.

Background Characters

Support 1:

Name:
Jimmy
Role:
Boyfriend of April
Main
purpose: He’s in the car when April
drops off Molly. April blames the situation on him when she tells Edgar
and Molly why she’s leaving her.
Value:
He takes April away. Then dumps
her later.

Support 2:

Name:
Kim (male)
Role:
Sous Chef
Main
purpose: Supports Miss Aveline in the
kitchen
Value:
Reflects Miss Aveline as a bad
ass in the kitchen by the way he respects and works hard for her.

Support 3:

Name:
Hobbit (nickname)
Role:
Cleaner of the restaurant in
any way needed.
Main
purpose: He is a little slow and Molly
feels sorry for him.
Value:
Molly is also afraid of him
because he’s different.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 3 – Lesson 7 – Character Profiles Part 2

Lisa Long’s Character Profiles Part 2

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that well rounded traits and characteristics make the characters interesting.

MOLLY

A.
The High Concept. A 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her
mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his
restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.
B.
This character’s journey. Molly
is scared and sad to have been left by her mother with a father she
doesn’t know. After several arguments she learns to navigate around her
father to push forward with her dream. When her dream comes true at the
end of Act 2, she has to figure out how to go back to the bay and deal
with her life. Arc: Scared and abandoned to
unafraid and free of the burden of her past.
C.
The Actor Attractors for this character. Molly is a ballet dancer so the actress
will need to be able to dance well. She has a range of emotions to play
including sadness, fear, braveness, manipulation, joy. This could be a
tour de force character for a young actress.

1. Role in the Story: Protagonist

2. Age range and Description: 10-year-old who grew up on the road with her gypsy dancer mother and is abandoned with a father she’s never known.

3. Core Traits:

a. Afraid – fear that she will not be taken care of or fit in or make a friend.

b. Angry – angry at her mother for abandoning her. Angry at her father for never being in her life before.

c. Secretive – she keeps secrets from everyone in her life.

d. Sneaky – because Edgar has forbidden her to dance, she sneaks around to do it.

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to stay with her mother and be a dancer in The Nutcracker at the New York City Ballet.

5. Wound: Abandoned by her mother. She has to get to know her father but doesn’t want to.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Molly is a ten-year-old that’s never been in one place very long. She trying to survive in a new environment with people she doesn’t know. The audience were all ten once. Most can relate to being a fish out of water in a new place and being separated from family. Audience can imagine being left by their mother with someone they don’t know.

Character Subtext: Hiding something, Lying
Character Intrigue: Hidden agenda, Secrets
Flaw: Overdoing things, Poor decision-making
Values: Being the best
Character Dilemma: Excitement versus safety

EDGAR

A.
The High Concept. A 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her
mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his
restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.
B.
This character’s journey. Edgar is the strong silent type. (Think Sam Shepherd) He
never wanted children and now he’s been given a young daughter to keep
alive. Edgar must figure out how to relate to Molly. He isn’t used to
having to express himself to anyone. His only role has been as a
restaurant boss for years. Molly’s mom, April was the love of his life and
he’s never moved on. Edgar shows prejudice to Mars who is gay and black.
Eventually, he learns from Molly to set aside his ancient views and accept
Mars.
C.
The Actor Attractors for this character. Edgar is a broken man who must find a way
to open up. He has a powerful character arc.

1. Role in the Story: Antagonist

2. Age range and Description: 69-year-old father of Molly who never wanted children but has to figure out how to “father” her.

3. Core Traits:

a. Panicked – he has to figure out what to do with this little girl he doesn’t know or know how to treat.

b. Shy – Edgar is innately shy and struggles to find words and open up to people.

c. Angry – he is angry that April left him because she wanted fame and he wanted to stay put and run the restaurant. He takes it out on others sometimes.

d. Covering Up – Ed is covering up that he is still in love with April. He cries at night alone in his room because she was the love of his life.

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Ed wants April, Molly’s mother back but fears it’s too late for him. He will use Molly to try to get April to return.

5. Wound: Lost the love of his life and still longs for her.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Edgar is pining over a lost love while trying to keep his business going and taking care of a newfound daughter. Most of the audience can relate to losing a love, trying to hustle at work, and take care of a child. Audience feels for someone moving through life alone and longing for a time gone by.

Character Subtext: Afraid to say, Withholding
Character Intrigue: Unspoken Wound
Flaw: Says the wrong thing, undervalues themselves
Values: Duty
Character Dilemma: Being powerful versus being in love

MARS

A.
The High Concept. A 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her
mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his
restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.
B.
This character’s journey. Mars’
arc goes from hiding away at the beach and wallowing in sadness to finding
new life through Molly’s dream. By helping someone else, he helps himself
and is able to return to his city life.
C.
The Actor Attractors for this character. Mars is a dancer, so this may give the actor a
challenge if they aren’t one. He is a pivotable role that moves the story
along.

1. Role in the Story: Molly’s dance teacher and confidant

2. Age range and Description: 39-year-old choreographer who is mourning the death of his partner.

3. Core Traits:

a. Fragile – he recognizes his fragile state and that is why he is hiding out from people at the Bay.

b. Sarcastic – how he deals with people.

c. Kind – he tries to be kind to everyone.

d. Empathetic – he feels for Molly and her situation.

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to be left alone to grieve. He decides Molly can help him as he helps her.

5. Wound: Death of partner. Burnout from NYC dance scene.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Mars is pining over his partner who passed away (similar to Edgar). He sees Molly lost without her mother and he is lost without his partner, so he bonds with her. Molly can survive with Mars on her side helping her with her dream. Audience should be able to relate to losing someone and leaning on someone to get through a tough situation.

Character Subtext: Withholding and being polite
Character Intrigue: Competition and unspoken wound
Flaw: Overdoing things
Values: Fame, Being your best, Loyalty
Character Dilemma: Self-expression versus guilt

APRIL

A.
The High Concept. A 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her
mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his
restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.
B.
This character’s journey. At
the beginning April may be seen as cold, but she is trying to do what’s
right for Molly. She shows up at Molly’s performance in NYC. She finds out
that Edgar is ill and decides to make a change. She returns to the Bay to
help him and in turn realizes that she never stopped loving him.
C.
The Actor Attractors for this character.
A pivotable character that begins the drama of it all. An actress would
like this character who will go from a ne’er- do-well to redeeming
herself.

1. Role in the Story: Molly’s mother and Edgar’s wife

2. Age range and Description: 49-year-old dancer who leaves Molly with her father because she doesn’t have a permanent home.

3. Core Traits:

a. Dreamer – has always believed that her dreams can come true, even though they never have.

b. Transient – doesn’t like to stay in one place because she gets bored…with the place and the people.

c. Foolish – she doesn’t make wise choices for herself.

d. Caring – she does love her daughter but isn’t sure she can take care of her.

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants Molly to have a permanent residence and go to school. April thinks she’s doing what is best for Molly.

5. Wound: She walked out on Edgar to follow her dream of dancing. And while she got to dance, she paid the price of a string of men who treated her badly.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy: April makes a tough decision to leave Molly with Edgar because she feels she couldn’t take care of her on the road any longer. She wants to give Molly the chance to go to a permanent school and make lasting friends. And having grown up in the area, she feels it is a good place to be raised. Audience should be able to relate to making a hard decision when it comes to family members. They know that April has a good heart but has put herself in an impossible situation with Molly.

Character Subtext: Plotting
Character Intrigue: Hidden agenda
Flaw: Poor decision-making
Values: Fame and Love
Character Dilemma: Love versus duty; wanting external admiration versus
loving herself

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 3 – Lesson 6 – Character Profiles Part 1

Lisa Long’s Character Profiles Part 1

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is there are many different traits you can choose for your characters but making their traits fit the story is the most important.

MOLLY

A.
The High Concept. A 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her
mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his
restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.
B.
This character’s journey. Molly
is scared and sad to have been left by her mother with a father she
doesn’t know. After several arguments she learns to navigate around her
father to push forward with her dream. When her dream comes true at the
end of Act 2, she has to figure out how to go back to the bay and deal
with her life. Arc: Scared and abandoned to
unafraid and free of the burden of her past.
C.
The Actor Attractors for this character. Molly is a ballet dancer so the actress
will need to be able to dance well. She has a range of emotions to play
including sadness, fear, braveness, manipulation, joy. This could be a
tour de force character for a young actress.

1. Role in the Story: Protagonist

2. Age range and Description: 10-year-old who grew up on the road with her gypsy dancer mother and is abandoned with a father she’s never known.

3. Core Traits:

a. Afraid – fear that she will not be taken care of or fit in or make a friend.

b. Angry – angry at her mother for abandoning her. Angry at her father for never being in her life before.

c. Secretive – she keeps secrets from everyone in her life.

d. Sneaky – because Edgar has forbidden her to dance, she sneaks around to do it.

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to stay with her mother and be a dancer in The Nutcracker at the New York City Ballet.

5. Wound: Abandoned by her mother. She has to get to know her father but doesn’t want to.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Molly is a ten-year-old that’s never been in one place very long. She trying to survive in a new environment with people she doesn’t know. The audience were all ten once. Most can relate to being a fish out of water in a new place and being separated from family. Audience can imagine being left by their mother with someone they don’t know.

EDGAR

A.
The High Concept. A 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her mother
with a father she’s never known to live with him above his restaurant on
the Chesapeake Bay.
B.
This character’s journey. Edgar is the strong silent type. (Think Sam Shepherd) He
never wanted children and now he’s been given a young daughter to keep
alive. Edgar must figure out how to relate to Molly. He isn’t used to
having to express himself to anyone. His only role has been as a
restaurant boss for years. Molly’s mom, April was the love of his life and
he’s never moved on. Edgar shows prejudice to Mars who is gay and black.
Eventually, he learns from Molly to set aside his ancient views and accept
Mars.
C.
The Actor Attractors for this character. Edgar is a broken man who must find a way
to open up. He has a powerful character arc.

1. Role in the Story: Antagonist

2. Age range and Description: 69-year-old father of Molly who never wanted children but has to figure out how to “father” her.

3. Core Traits:

a. Panicked – he has to figure out what to do with this little girl he doesn’t know or know how to treat.

b. Shy – Edgar is innately shy and struggles to find words and open up to people.

c. Angry – he is angry that April left him because she wanted fame and he wanted to stay put and run the restaurant. He takes it out on others sometimes.

d. Covering Up – Ed is covering up that he is still in love with April. He cries at night alone in his room because she was the love of his life.

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Ed wants April, Molly’s mother back but fears it’s too late for him. He will use Molly to try to get April to return.

5. Wound: Lost the love of his life and still longs for her.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Edgar is pining over a lost love while trying to keep his business going and taking care of a newfound daughter. Most of the audience can relate to losing a love, trying to hustle at work, and take care of a child. Audience feels for someone moving through life alone and longing for a time gone by.

MARS

A.
The High Concept. A 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her
mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his
restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.
B.
This character’s journey. Mars’
arc goes from hiding away at the beach and wallowing in sadness to finding
new life through Molly’s dream. By helping someone else, he helps himself and
is able to return to his city life.
C.
The Actor Attractors for this character. Mars is a dancer, so this may give the actor a challenge
if they aren’t one. He is a pivotable role that moves the story along.

1. Role in the Story: Molly’s dance teacher and confidant

2. Age range and Description: 39-year-old choreographer who is mourning the death of his partner.

3. Core Traits:

a. Fragile – he recognizes his fragile state and that is why he is hiding out from people at the Bay.

b. Sarcastic – how he deals with people.

c. Kind – he tries to be kind to everyone.

d. Empathetic – he feels for Molly and her situation.

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to be left alone to grieve. He decides Molly can help him as he helps her.

5. Wound: Death of partner. Burnout from NYC dance scene.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Mars is pining over his partner who passed away (similar to Edgar). He sees Molly lost without her mother and he is lost without his partner, so he bonds with her. Molly can survive with Mars on her side helping her with her dream. Audience should be able to relate to losing someone and leaning on someone to get through a tough situation.

APRIL

A.
The High Concept. A 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her
mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his
restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.
B.
This character’s journey. At
the beginning April may be seen as cold, but she is trying to do what’s
right for Molly. She shows up at Molly’s performance in NYC. She finds out
that Edgar is ill and decides to make a change. She returns to the Bay to
help him and in turn realizes that she never stopped loving him.
C.
The Actor Attractors for this character.
A pivotable character that begins the drama of it all. An actress would
like this character who will go from a ne’er- do-well to redeeming
herself.

1. Role in the Story: Molly’s mother and Edgar’s wife

2. Age range and Description: 49-year-old dancer who leaves Molly with her father because she doesn’t have a permanent home.

3. Core Traits:

a. Dreamer – has always believed that her dreams can come true, even though they never have.

b. Transient – doesn’t like to stay in one place because she gets bored…with the place and the people.

c. Foolish – she doesn’t make wise choices for herself.

d. Caring – she does love her daughter but isn’t sure she can take care of her.

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants Molly to have a permanent residence and go to school. April thinks she’s doing what is best for Molly.

5. Wound: She walked out on Edgar to follow her dream of dancing. And while she got to dance, she paid the price of a string of men who treated her badly.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy: April makes a tough decision to leave Molly with Edgar because she feels she couldn’t take care of her on the road any longer. She wants to give Molly the chance to go to a permanent school and make lasting friends. And having grown up in the area, she feels it is a good place to be raised. Audience should be able to relate to making a hard decision when it comes to family members. They know that April has a good heart but has put herself in an impossible situation with Molly.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 3 – Lesson 5 – Audience Connection to Characters

Lisa Long’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is there must be layers in characters that include positive characteristics to create audience investment throughout the movie.

Brainstorm one or more ways you can present your Protagonist through each of these:

Likability:
Molly is a ten-year-old that’s
never been in one place very long. She is trying to survive in a new
environment with people she doesn’t know.
Relatability:
The audience were all ten once.
Most can relate to being a fish out of water in a new place and being
separated from family.
Empathy:
Audience can imagine being left
by their mother with someone they don’t know and learning to survive.

Just to get the experience, give us one or more ways that your Antagonist could be presented through each of these:

Likability:
Edgar is pining over a lost
love while trying to keep his business going and taking care of a newfound
daughter.
Relatability:
Most of the audience can relate
to losing a love, trying to hustle at work, and taking care of a child.
Empathy:
Audience feels for someone
moving through life alone and longing for a time gone by.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 3 – Lesson 4 – Character Intrigue

Lisa Long’s Character Intrigue

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is for successful characters one should set up them up with playable traits and strong subtext.

For each of your main characters, use this list to brainstorm one or more Intrigue items that might apply. You don’t need all of them; just one or two.

Character
Name: MOLLY
Role: A ten-year-old girl who is abandoned by her mother
Hidden
agendas: Molly intends to go to NYC to
be in The Nutcracker
Competition: Molly has to compete with dancers that may be better
than her
Secrets: Molly sneaks out to take dance
Deception: Molly tells each person what they want to hear, but
not reality
Unspoken
Wound: Molly is angry at her mother,
but takes it out on her father
Secret Identity: Molly is a dancer even though her father forbids her
to dance

Give us an idea of how that character’s subtext might show up in your movie. Molly shows her hurt by arguing with Ed; Molly has a good work ethic when it comes to dance and will do anything to dance; Molly pushes through her insecurities with stubbornness.

Character
Name: EDGAR
Role: The father of Molly who has to learn to take care of
her
Hidden
agendas: Edgar wants April back
Competition:
Ed is not willing to share Molly with Mars
Conspiracies: Ed is not a fan of gay people
Secrets: Ed is still in love with April
Deception: Ed doesn’t tell Molly why he forbids her to dance
until late in the script
Unspoken
Wound: Ed was terribly hurt by April,
but blows it off

Give us an idea of how that character’s subtext might show up in your movie. Edgar, just like Molly, hides his anger at April and takes it out on Molly. Edgar puts on the strong, silent type act, but inside he is mushy and scared.

Character
Name: MARS
Role: A grieving choreographer who takes Molly under his
wing
Hidden
agendas: Mars wants to show Edgar his
prejudice
Competition: Mars competes for Molly with Edgar
Secrets: Mars is hiding out from his friends and family
Unspoken
Wound: Mars is hurt by Edgar’s
treatment, but doesn’t show it
Secret Identity: Mars has a bit of imposter syndrome even though he’s
very accomplished

Give us an idea of how that character’s subtext might show up in your movie. Mars is open with Molly, but keeps his cards close with Edgar; Mars is unhappy except when Molly comes over to dance; Mars saves Molly during a hurricane showing his strength and love for Molly.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 3 – Lesson 3 – Character Subtext

Lisa Long’s Subtext Characters

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to think about the characteristics not just the dialogue of the characters.

2. With your example movie, give us the following answers for the character with the most subtext:

Movie
Title: Ordinary People <div>

Character
Name: Conrad Jarrett

Subtext
Identity: Criminal in his mind

Subtext
Trait: He sees himself as evil

Subtext
Logline: Conrad is trying to deal with guilt
and to connect once again with his parents and friends after a suicide
attempt.

Possible
Areas of Subtext: Conrad
tries to appear “normal” to the kids at school and his old friends. He
seeks out therapy because he recognizes that he is still spiraling. Conrad
is afraid that he’ll never feel love again from his mother. He finds it
difficult to say what he means and so often lashing out instead.

3. For your two leads, brainstorm these answers:

Character
Name: Molly </div><div>

Subtext
Identity: Abandoned child/Victim

Subtext
Trait: Scared, Angry, Secretive, Sneaky

Subtext
Logline: Molly has been abandoned and
must learn to survive in a new environment with people she doesn’t know by
using her wits and street sense, all while trying to dance.

Possible
Areas of Subtext: Molly has
to push down her anger inside when trying to adapt by working in the restaurant.
Molly hides from others that she is learning dance from Mars every
afternoon. Molly hides from Mars that her father has forbad her to dance. Molly
figures out how to sneak out her bedroom window even though it’s on the
second floor.

Character
Name: Edgar

Subtext
Identity: Boss, Loner

Subtext
Trait: Panicked, Shy, Angry, Covering
Up

Subtext
Logline: Ed has had his daughter thrown
in his lap and he doesn’t know what to do or say or how to treat her…he’s
never been a parent.

Possible
Areas of Subtext: Ed tries to
keep Molly busy by making her work in his restaurant, He cries alone in
his room at night after he sees April because he is hiding that he still
loves her. Ed is secretively panicking about how to control/parent Molly,
but he refers to the old adage “never let them see you sweat”. Ed has trouble
controlling his anger, so he’s always at odds with himself.

</div>

[Lisa Paris Long]

Module 3 – Lesson 2 – Roles That Sell Actors

Lisa Long’s Actor Attractors!

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is the power of each character is in my head and hands. I can create interesting and powerful characters that any actors would like to play.

Lead Character Name: MOLLY

Role: 10-year-old girl

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

Molly is a ballet dancer so the actress will need to be able to dance well. She has a range of emotions to play including sadness, fear, braveness, manipulation, joy. This could be a tour de force character for a young actress.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

Molly has to figure out how to survive in a new place with a new parent and still pursue her dream.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Molly is forced to work in a restaurant. She meets a choreographer who teaches her while she hides it from her father’s unapproving eyes. She sneaks out of the house. She tries to steer a boat in a hurricane. She dances in the Nutcracker at Radio City Music Hall in NYC. She butts head with her father and later in the story her mother too.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

The script begins with Molly being dropped off at Al’s against her will by her mother who thinks says she can no longer take care of her. She’s never known Al. She is a fish out of water from the first scene. She has a break down and chases behind her mom’s car as it zooms off.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range?

Molly goes from being afraid and in survival mode to finding her voice and her way in a new place. She goes from shy to brave.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

The actress will need to show a brave front while terrified inside. She will play tenacity despite her fears. The character begins the story not being able to express herself, so there will be a lot of subtexts to play under the dialogue.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

First, Al, her father whom Molly is forced to figure out and fights with often. Secondly, Mars, the choreographer whom Molly learns to rely on for love and support. Thirdly, April, Molly’s mother whom she is angry with for abandoning her.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

Molly grew up on the road with her mom leading the life of a dancer gypsy, so her voice is one of street smarts and yet she’s still just a kid. Her dialogue will reflect both.

9. What could make this character special and unique?

Besides Molly being a great dancer, she has tenacity, gumption, and a plethora of hurt. She has to deal with abandonment, being a fish out of water, possibly giving up dancing, finding a way to connect with others whom she doesn’t know well. This is a lot for a child to navigate, but Molly pushes on!

Lead Character Name: EDGAR (ED)

Role: 69-year-old father of Molly

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

Edgar is a broken man who must find a way to open up. He has a powerful character arc.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

Edgar is the strong silent type. (Think Sam Shepherd) He never wanted children and now he’s been given a young daughter to keep alive. Edgar must figure out how to relate to Molly. He isn’t used to having to express himself to anyone. His only role has been as a restaurant boss for years. Molly’s mom, April was the love of his life and he’s never moved on. Edgar shows prejudice to Mars who is gay and black. Eventually, he learns from Molly to set aside his ancient views and accept Mars.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Edgar comes at Molly to get her to do what he wants…he doesn’t know how to speak to a child. He tries to protect Molly, but Molly grew up on the road and isn’t listening to him. He’s actions are extreme, but he thinks he’s saving her.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

In the opening scene, Edgar is standing in a doorway behind a screen door looking out as April his former love drops Molly off. He slowly comes out of the door. He has to speak to April for the first time in a long time and is terrified. He says very little as Molly has a break down when April abandons her.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range?

Edgar has a large character arc from the emotions from crying in his room at night over his lost love, to being stoic around Molly, to being a boss and yelling at people. He eventually exchanges his hurt for love of Molly. By the end, he is a new man emotionally who realizes he deserves the love he is receiving from Molly and April. And he passes away a happier man.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Edgar is all subtext because he is not good at communication…as a strong silent type. Similar to a soldier who doesn’t want to talk about the war. Because Edgar doesn’t know how to speak to people, he is often misunderstood. So, frustration is something that the actor will need to play.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

First, with Molly whom he has to figure out how to get her to do what he wants without her ever ending push back. They need to get along and find a way to survive with each other. Second, with April, the love of his life who left him too. He is so very hurt by her, but his love hasn’t dimmed. He is beside himself on how to communicate to April. Thirdly, Mars, the choreographer who is teaching Molly and Edgar adamantly disapproves of because he is gay and black. As an older man, Edgar grew up in rural Virginia with backwoods beliefs. Molly helps Edgar to turn around his old timey views.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

As an older character, Edgar will convey an older set of beliefs. He has a strong work ethic and expects others to be like him. This clashes with the younger generations. His age will be reflected in his dialogue.

9. What could make this character special and unique?

Edgar is a hard guy on the outside, but a super soft guy on the inside who is desperately trying to not let others know how close his emotions are to the surface.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s Actor attractors for Ordinary People

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is character is king. The layers of the character are the moments that actors love to play. Put in more “moments” into a script and the more actors will what to be in it.

Movie Title: Ordinary People

Lead Character Name: Conrad Jarrett

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

The character of Conrad is a tour de force encompassing the entire film. The layers of the character allow an actor to play deep subtext that is behind each word. Conrad is a character that looks uncomfortable in his own skin and that is a challenge to an actor to play and convey to the audience.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?

Conrad attempted suicide after the death of his brother which he feels he was responsible for not saving. He has a well of emotions just below the surface. As the movie unfolds, we see deeper into the emotions and the reasons for his troubles…especially with his mother who seems to have loved his brother more.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?

He gets up the nerve to ask Jeannine out and forms a friendship. He goes into therapy to attempt to figure out why he’s so messed up. This shows that he wants to get better. He confronts his mother. He reconciles with his father.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

Conrad is singing loudly in the school choir as though he is trying to prove to everyone that he is okay. He clearly has sadness behind his eyes. Cut to him in bed sitting up with a startle in a cold sweat. These short clips without words mirror the ups and downs of the movie…singing one minute, in a cold sweat the next.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

Conrad has a big character arc that an actor can play. He starts with trying to take small steps back into life after attempting suicide. He meets the coldness of his mother at home where he tries to engage with her, but she gives him nothing. He must figure out how to navigate her lack of affection. Conrad explores his issues in therapy and tries to control his emotions. We see Conrad feeling better around Jeannine…an up moment. Then we see him feeling horrible…a down moment. Throughout the movie there are ups and downs for the character.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

There is subtext beneath every conversation throughout the entire movie. The many elephants in each room. Conrad has come home from the psychiatric hospital and is trying to act like nothing happened when he knows that everyone else knows. He avoids discussing what he’s been through, but it’s still raw. He feels his mother hates him.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

All the relationships between Conrad and the other characters are interesting, but the most interesting has to be with his mother, Beth. They argue. Beth seems to not like Conrad very much. She doesn’t hide the fact that she loved Conrad’s brother Bucky more. When he hugs her, she doesn’t hug him back.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?

Conrad often has trouble spitting out what he really wants to say. He is nervous in most moments.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

Conrad is very sympathetic from the start to the audience. Teenagers have enough of a hard time without the stigma of attempted suicide and a dead brother. Conrad has a glimmer of hopefulness in his character despite his recent actions. We want him to come out the other end of his troubles. He has the realization that his mother is who she is, and he can’t change her.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)

Conrad learns that his friend Karen committed suicide and died. He spirals out of control in his therapist’s office. Conrad screams and yells and cries in this scene…finally letting out his frustration and pain. He has a breakthrough when it is realized that he blames himself for the death of his brother, Bucky. This scene is the emotional climax and would be attractive for any actor to play.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s Genre Conventions

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that ideas for improvement come when you study as objectively as possible what you have written.

Tell us the following:

Title: Chesapeake Girl
Concept: Molly, a 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned
by her mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his
restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.
Genre: Drama

Brainstorm ways to deliver the conventions more effectively and build those parts into your 4-Act Structure.

Example for Drama with Brainstorming Notes:

· Purpose: ​ Molly’s purpose in life is to dance and she’ll do whatever she can to continue. Al’s purpose is to run his business and try to keep Molly alive whether it hurts her or not.

· Character-Driven Journey: ​ Molly is a ten-year-old who has traveled with her dance gypsy mom all her life, now she has to find a way to survive in a new place with a father she doesn’t know and without her mom. Al never wanted to be a dad because he didn’t have one and always thought he’s suck at it. Suddenly, he’s taken in his long gone ten-year-old girl.

· High Stakes Come from Within: ​ Molly is in survival mode. Al is in survival mode.

· Emotionally Resonates: ​ Molly and Al must figure out a new life together even though they are strangers.

· Challenging, Emotionally Charged Situations: ​ Molly can never give up dance, but Al was hurt by April, Molly’s dancer mom and finds it too difficult to watch Molly dance knowing what he lost.

· Real-Life Situations: ​ Molly lies to everyone because she thinks it’s the right thing to do. Al doesn’t tell what he’s feeling to Molly or anyone. His character is the strong silent type.

List your structure from Lesson 6 along with the improvements that come from the Genre Conventions, like I did above.

Changes are underlined:

Act 1:

Opening – A speeding car pulls up outside Al’s Seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay and a woman April gets out. She pulls her daughter Molly out of the car against her will. Molly is left with Al, her father. Molly chases after the car as it speeds away. Molly has traveled with her dance gypsy mom all her life, now she has to find a way to survive in a new place with a father she doesn’t know and without her mom.

Inciting Incident – Molly’s purpose in life is to dance and she’ll do whatever she can to continue. But Al says no to dance lessons. Instead, Al makes Molly wipe tables and serve crabs in the restaurant, but she doesn’t want to work. They fight for the first time.

Turning Point – Molly meets Mars a choreographer on the beach. Mars is staying at the beach to mourn the recent passing of his partner. He has given up choreography for the time being because it reminds him too much of his dancer partner.

Act 2:

New plan – Mars decides to help Molly reach her dream of dancing in the Nutcracker in NYC. Every day while Al takes his pre-dinner service nap, Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to dance.

Plan in action –Mars calls a contact in NYC and gets Molly an audition in 2 weeks. But before the audition, the chef finds out what Molly is doing and threatens to tell Al.

Midpoint Turning Point – A hurricane blows into the area. Al and Molly argue about Mars, and he forbids her to see him. His prejudice shows. Molly runs out and gets in a small boat. She gets swept up in the surf. Mars sees this and saves Molly from the bay. Mars carries her home in the storm. Al can’t bring himself to even thank Mars.

Act 3:

Rethink everything – It’s time for the audition. Molly lies to Mars by telling him that Al said it was okay for her to go with him to NYC…that he had a change of heart after he saved her from the storm.

New plan – Mars drives Molly to NYC for the audition. Al angrily meets Molly when she returns… with good news, she got a part in the Nutcracker! Al says absolutely not!

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – Al and Molly have a huge fight and when Molly storms up to her room, she sneaks out to Mars’ cottage. Mars wants to talk to Al before they go, but Molly makes excuses, and they take off for NYC.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Al goes to NYC to bring Molly back. He goes to the theater as the curtain goes up on The Nutcracker. Al cries as he sees Molly dance and she’s exquisite, even for 10. Al decides to go home. As he leaves the theater, he sees April, Molly’s mom.

Resolution – April is at the restaurant/house when Molly returns. Molly is furious with April for abandoning her. April and Molly fight over what happened, but eventually make up when April explains that she just wanted stability and a safe place for Molly, then she gives Molly an exquisite pair of ballet toe shoes for Christmas. April and Al let Molly know that Al is ill, and April has come back to be his nurse. Molly recognizes the toll she has taken on Al. Al comes clean about the past that he’s holding onto and finally expresses his love for her. Mars says goodbye to Molly and returns to NYC to start again. Six months later, April is running the restaurant and Al is nowhere to be seen. Molly and April dance on the beach together as an expression of mourning and love.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s 4 Act Transformational Structure

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to think, and then rethink the structure. Be flexible because as writing you need to be open to changes. I changed the structure a few times before finishing this assignment.

Give us the following:

Concept – Molly, a 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.

Main Conflict – Molly’s 69-year-old father Al forbids her to dance due to his heartbreak from the breakup with her dancer mother. When Molly befriends Mars, a black, gay choreographer, she hides from her father that he is teaching her dance. Al eventually finds out and objects not only to Molly’s dancing, but to Mars.

Old Ways – Devastated, Insecure, Shy, Afraid

New Ways – Content, Outgoing, Unafraid, Happy

Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.

Act 1:

Opening – A speeding car pulls up outside Al’s Seafood restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay and a woman April gets out. She pulls her daughter Molly out of the car against her will. Molly is left with Al, her father that she’s never known. Molly chases after the car as it speeds away.

Inciting Incident – Al makes Molly wipe tables and serve crabs in the restaurant, but she doesn’t want to work. They fight for the first time.

Turning Point – Molly meets Mars a choreographer on the beach. Mars is staying at the beach to mourn the recent passing of his partner.

Act 2:

New plan – Mars decides to help Molly reach her dream of dancing in the Nutcracker in NYC.

Plan in action – Every day while Al takes his pre-dinner service nap, Molly sneaks out to Mars’ cottage down the beach to dance. Mars calls a contact in NYC and gets Molly an audition in 2 weeks. Right before the audition, the chef finds out what Molly is doing and tells Al.

Midpoint Turning Point – A hurricane blows into the area. Al and Molly argue about Mars, and he forbids her to see him. His prejudice shows. Molly runs out and gets in a small boat. She gets swept up in the surf. Mars sees this and saves Molly from the bay. Mars carries her home in the storm. Al can’t bring himself to even thank Mars.

Act 3:

Rethink everything – It’s time for the audition. Molly lies to Mars by telling him that Al said it was okay for her to go with him to NYC.

New plan – Mars drives Molly to NYC for the audition. Al angrily meets Molly when she returns… she has good news, she got a part in the Nutcracker! Al says absolutely not!

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – Al and Molly have a huge fight and when Molly storms up to her room, she sneaks out to Mars’ cottage. Mars wants to talk to Al before they go, but Molly makes excuses, and they take off for NYC.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Al goes to NYC to bring Molly back. He goes to the theater as the curtain goes up on The Nutcracker. Al cries as he sees Molly dance and she’s exquisite, even for 10. April, Molly’s mom shows up too alone to see Molly dance. Al and April discuss their situation with Molly. Al decides to go home. Molly returns to Chesapeake after the run.

Resolution – Molly recognizes the toll she has taken on Al. She and Al decide to try again. Al comes clean about the past that he’s holding onto and finally expresses his love for her. Molly wants to help him. Mars returns to NYC to start again. Six months later, Al is ill. April has returned and is playing nurse. We see the reconciliation and tenderness between all three of them as Al passes away. Molly and April dance on the beach as an expression of mourning and love.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s Subtext Plot

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is by creating the subtext plot at the beginning it will help to keep the story on track as it unfolds during the writing of the script.

Concept for “Chesapeake Girl”: A 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.

The Fish Out of Water; Competitive Agendas; Someone Hides Who They Are<div>

How your Subtext Plot will play out inside this story:

When Molly is left with her father, she is for a time a Fish Out of Water having lived the gypsy dance life with her mother for her first ten years. Her father forbids Molly to dance because Molly’s mother was a dancer who broke his heart. They have Competitive Agendas; Molly is determined to dance; her father is determined that she will not dance. And Molly’s father is the Someone Hides Who They Are character by not revealing his sordid past.

</div>

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s Transformational Journey

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is setting up the arc in advance will indicate the structure of the story later.

Tell us the Character Arc for your Protagonist:

MOLLY

Arc Beginning: Scared and abandoned.

Arc Ending: Unafraid and free of the burden of her past.

Internal Journey: Shy and afraid to strong and unafraid.

External Journey: From trying to find her own way to thriving with other’s help.

Old Ways:

· Devastated

· Insecure

· Shy

· Afraid

New Ways:

· Content

· Outgoing

· Unafraid

· Happy

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s Intentional Lead Characters

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is that I know the characters, so I need to draw out their specific qualities for their loglines and eventually their character traits.

Character: Molly (Protagonist) <div>

Logline: Molly
is a ten-year-old aspiring dancer who is abandoned by her mother and dreams
of dancing in the Nutcracker Ballet in NYC.

Unique: Molly
is dropped off by her mom to live with her much older father Al even
though they don’t know each other.

Character: Al (Antagonist)

Logline: Al
is a seafood restaurant owner and Molly’s estranged father who is against
Molly dancing because it reminds him of her mom, a dancer who broke his
heart.

Unique: Al
is an older single father who never wanted children and never expected to
be in Molly’s life…let alone take care of her.

Character: Mars (Triangle
Character)

Logline: Mars
(short for Marshall) is a Black gay choreographer from NYC who has escaped
to the beach to deal with the death of his partner.

Unique: Grief
has stopped Mars in his tracks, and he isn’t working…until he meets Molly
on the beach one day.

</div>

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s Title, Concept, and Character Structure

My Vision: I will do whatever it takes to be comfortable saying that I am a writer by creating impactful stories with amazing characters in order to sell my scripts.

What I learned from this assignment is to test out different concepts, titles, and pick a structure that will fit those two things.

Title: Chesapeake Girl

Concept: A 10-year-old aspiring dancer is abandoned by her mother with a father she’s never known to live with him above his restaurant on the Chesapeake Bay.

Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

[Lisa Paris Long]

Thanks to my classmates for the invaluable feedback and support. Many thanks to Hal and Cheryl for the guidance and knowledge. Looking forward to the WIM2 class.

Lisa

Subject Line: Holiday Genre: MARY’S WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS

Greetings producer,

“Santa Claus was kidnapped! Where’d you say your mother is?!”

Without snow, hard times have hit the “It’s a Wonderful Life” festival town. Mary, former military who once guarded Santa Claus for NORAD is holding him for ransom to save her shop from foreclosure.

As the Santa Seal Team closes in on Mary, she fears she’s exploiting Christmas to masquerade her actions.

Disguised as Santa, Mary moves to the ransom drop-off mixing with the crowds running in the festival Santa 5k. But Mary doesn’t know that some of the Santa Seal Team agents are also dressed as Santa. Through all the obstacles, the real Santa Claus tries to guide Mary back to the real meaning of Christmas.

Can Mary get the Christmas miracle she needs to undo the kidnapping and save her business or will she lose it all on Christmas Day!

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”.

All the best,

Lisa Long

(Contact information)

BIO: Graduate of NYU Film, I have sold one full-length feature.

By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses!

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 12 – Creating a Career

Lisa Long’s Career Plan

What I learned from this lesson is important to remember that there are several steps to so to get a script sold. One is marketing yourself…a hard thing to do. But with the knowledge of PS and WIM and the support of the alumni, all things are possible.

A. What is your overall screenwriting goal for the next six months?

I will be taking the Writing Incredible Movies class until December 2022. I will work on the second draft of my PS81 script and develop a new script during the WIM2 class. And of course, continue to learn.

B. What are you going to do to elevate quality?

I will follow the steps that I have learned during PS81 and apply the new processes I will learn during WIM2. Apply the Kaizen, the T.O.T.E. process, and use the mastery skill sheets. I won’t submit any work until it is the absolute best it can be. Also, I will find out what I’m the best…at this moment, I think it’s dialogue…more analysis will be conducted over the next 6 months.

C. How are you going to build a library of marketable scripts?

By next year, I intend to have two scripts to market. And will begin work on another. I will continue to create and find marketable concepts to develop.

D. What do you think might be your specialty (brand)?

My specialty is female stories…Dramas, Comedies, Rom-Coms.

E. How are you going build a stronger network?

I am on the East Coast. So, I will review my social media accounts as often as possible and comment on the posts of strategic industry insiders as well as others in the business. I will engage with the other PSAs and build relationships in the WIM2 class too. I will attend virtual writing events such as the 2022 Screen Craft Writers Summit that I attended June 25-26.

F. How are you going to improve your understanding of doing this business?

I subscribed to Variety for years. I will include the Hollywood Reporter. But as suggested, I will pick out the articles that are relevant to my writing. I will learn the primary and next level knowledge. Network with potential fans of my genre. And include the Buzz process. As mentioned above, attend virtual writing events.

G. How are you going to market yourself and your writing?

As a lifelong introvert this is difficult for me. I plan on building my network while taking the WIM2 class. Then next year after I have two screenplays completed, I will begin reaching out to producers and production companies, sending out query letters, using my contacts, and any other way of marketing that I learn from Hal’s classes and the Alumni group.

Thank you to the PS81 class members for their feedback and camaraderie.

Thank you, Hal and Cheryl, for the guidance, knowledge, and encouragement.

Lisa Long

llongmolly@gmail.com

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 11 – Elevating Quality to a Professional Level

Lisa knows T.O.T.E.

What I learned from this lesson is that the TOTE process can improve my script several fold by incorporating feedback from each critique. And to not send out a script until it’s obsoletely the best it can be!

1. Look into the future and tell us how you are going to use the TOTE Process with…

a. Your script.

TEST – Screenwriter/lawyer family member and friends

OPERATE – Analyze feedback and incorporate or changes.

Rewrite and work on improving the script by applying the steps learned in PS81.

TEST – Screenwriter/lawyer family member

-Alumni from the PS81

-Alumni from the WIM2

OPERATE – Analyze feedback and incorporate or changes.

Rewrite and work on improving the script by applying the steps learned in PS81.

TEST – Send to a script consultant

-Alumni from PS81

-Alumni from WIM2

EXIT – Don’t stop improving until it’s recommended.

b. Your query letters.

TEST -Alumni from the PS81

-Alumni from the WIM2

OPERATE – Analyze feedback and incorporate or changes.

Exit or:

TEST -Alumni from the PS81 class

-Alumni from the WIM2 class

OPERATE – Analyze feedback and incorporate or changes.

TEST – Repeat if needed

EXIT – Only send out when it’s the best it can be.

c. Building your network.

Continue working on building and maintaining contacts:

Alumni from PS81 and WIM2 classes

Twitter – comment on producer/entertainment posts.

LinkedIn – keep profile updated and connect with producers, other entertainment pros

Facebook – contact and comment on SU Alumni site. Interact with friends in the business on an on-going basis.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Query Letter – VERSION THREE

What I learned doing this assignment is to keep it short and sweet. Lead with the punch and add the hooks. Very productive lesson.

Title: Mary’s Wonderful Christmas

Synopsis

Santa Claus has been kidnapped by Mary a separated down-and-out mom who is holding him for ransom in order to save her shop from foreclosure.

A former Air Force captain, Mary once guarded Santa Claus at the North Pole for NORAD, which gives her the idea to kidnap Santa. She lives in the “It’s a Wonderful Life” town and is going to lose her snowmobile shop if she doesn’t pay up by December 25th.

Separated from her husband, Peter, and her two daughters, Mary hopes by saving her business she can win back her family too.

While government agents are searching for them, Mary and Santa Claus move through town unnoticed during the Santa 5K race where all the runners must dress as Santa. Through all the obstacles, Santa tries to guide Mary to the real meaning of Christmas.

Let’s see if Mary can get out of this predicament and gain back her business and her family!

I am a graduate of NYU Film and have sold one full-length feature. By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script for Mary’s Wonderful Christmas.

Lisa Long, llongmolly@gmail.com

[Lisa Paris Long]

**SEE VERSION THREE Below**

VERSION ONE

ALL CRITIQUES WELCOME!!

DAY 10 – Exchange Critiques on Query Letters

* This query letter is based on the first draft only. With the second draft of my script, I’m planning changes with the story. I may have to change up the query letter once I complete draft two…or three…or four.

Lisa’s Query Letter

What I learned doing this assignment is to keep it short and sweet. Lead with the punch and add the hooks. Very productive lesson.

Title: Mary’s Wonderful Christmas

Synopsis

Can separated down-and-out mom Mary save her shop from foreclosure by kidnapping Santa Claus and holding him for ransom?

During the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival, Mary gets notice that she’s going to lose her snowmobile shop since there hasn’t been snow in 3 years. The bank gives her until December 25th to pay up.

Ex-military, Mary once guarded Santa Claus at the North Pole for NORAD. This gives her the idea to kidnap Santa for ransom to pay her mortgage and save her shop.

Mary is separated from her husband, Peter who is looking after their two daughters. She hopes by saving her business she can win back her family too.

While government agents are searching for them, Mary and the real Santa move through town easily because downtown is packed for the Santa 5K race where all the runners must dress as Santa!

In the end, Santa reveals he could have left anytime he wanted but stayed with Mary to guide her to the real meaning of Christmas. Ala It’s a Wonderful Life, the town bails Mary out of her predicament with the funds from the festival. Mary and Peter reunite their family.

By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses!

I have sold one full-length feature and I am a graduate of NYU Film.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script for Mary’s Wonderful Christmas.

Lisa Long, llongmolly@gmail.com

[Lisa Paris Long]

SEE VERSION THREE BELOW**

Lisa’s Query Letter – VERSION TWO

What I learned doing this assignment is to keep it short and sweet. Lead with the punch and add the hooks. Very productive lesson.

Title: Mary’s Wonderful Christmas

Synopsis

Can separated down-and-out mom Mary save her shop from foreclosure by kidnapping Santa Claus and holding him for ransom?

During the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival, Mary gets notice that she’s going to lose her snowmobile shop if she doesn’t pay up by December 25th.

A former Air Force captain, Mary once guarded Santa Claus at the North Pole for NORAD, which gives her the idea to kidnap Santa for ransom to pay her mortgage. Mary works hard to keep her family and the town from finding out her plans.

While government agents are searching for Mary and Santa Claus, the downtown is packed for the Santa 5K race where all the runners must dress as Santa…allowing them to move through town by blending in easily.

Separated from her husband, Peter, and her two daughters, Mary hopes by saving her business she can win back her family.

Through all the obstacles, Santa guides Mary to the real meaning of Christmas. Ala It’s a Wonderful Life, the town bails Mary out of her predicament with the funds from the festival. Finally, Mary tries to reunite with her family.

I am a graduate of NYU Film and have sold one full-length feature. By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses!

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script for Mary’s Wonderful Christmas.

Lisa Long, llongmolly@gmail.com

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long

I learned to say yes, take baby steps to get stronger, and learn new things. Taking this class will change my life. Say every day, “I love writing!” Don’t try to be perfect until the end. I’ll need to get my assignments done as soon as possible. And looking forward to learning so much more!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long

Sold 1 screenplay. 2 others in the works, plus a stage play.

I’m finishing up the ScreenwritingU ProSeries 81 very soon. I’ve attended several other ScreenwritingU classes over the past few years.

I have the first draft of the script I’ve been working on during the PS 81 class. Now I need to start a second script, so that I have more to market.

I traveled the world with Disney on Ice, and I started my career as an actress.

[Lisa Paris Long]

<div>Lisa Long</div>

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 9 – PART TWO: Using Hooks to Create a Query Letter

* This query letter is based on the first draft only. With the second draft of my script, I’m planning changes with the story. I may have to change up the query letter once I complete draft two…or three…or four.

Lisa’s Query Letter

What I learned doing this assignment is to keep it short and sweet. Lead with the punch and add the hooks. Very productive lesson.

– Opening Hook

Can separated down-and-out mom Mary save her shop from foreclosure by kidnapping Santa Claus for ransom?

– Synopsis

During the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival, Mary gets notice that she’s going to lose her snowmobile shop since there hasn’t been snow in 3 years. The bank gives her until December 25^thto pay up.

Ex-military, Mary once guarded Santa Claus at the North Pole for NORAD. This gives her the idea to kidnap Santa for ransom to pay her mortgage and save her shop.

Mary is separated from her husband, Peter who is looking after their two daughters. She hopes by saving her business she can win back her family too.

While government agents are searching for them, Mary and the real Santa move through town easily because a crowd is there for the Santa 5K race where all the runners must dress as Santa!

Santa reveals he could have left anytime he wanted but stayed with Mary to guide her back to her family and to the real meaning of Christmas. In the end, the town bails Mary out of her predicament with the funds from the It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Mary and Peter reunite their family.

By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses!

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>– Bio

One full-length feature optioned by a producer. Graduate of NYU Film.

– Request

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script for Mary’s Wonderful Christmas.

– Contact information (for now, just put your name)

Lisa Long, llongmolly@gmail.com

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 8 – Find the Hooks

Lisa has Lots of Hooks

What I learned doing this assignment is to add hooks throughout to keep the story moving and to hold the interest of the audience.

Characters:

Mary – 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12, 14, 17, 20, 21, 27

Peter – 1, 7, 10, 13, 18, 22, 23

Hooks:

1. Why did these people jump off a bridge and are hanging from it in a thunderstorm?

2. Who is this woman and mother speaking to the audience?

3. This is a quaint town in upstate NY that hasn’t seen snow in 3 years.

4. It’s Christmas time.

5. Woman is Mary and she’s losing her business.

6. A beautiful old Victorian, but the woman doesn’t live there anymore!

7. Peter is taking care of his daughters, Janie and Ruthie. Mary is their mom.

8. An 81-year-old black woman, Ma Jenkins owns her own boarding house and has taken Mary in. She gives wise advice.

9. Mary receives a letter from the bank stating she will lose her snowmobile business on December 25^th if she doesn’t come up with what she owes!

10. Peter almost runs over Mary with his car.

11. Mary used to work at NORAD.

12. Mary works odd jobs for the townspeople to make ends meet since there’s been no snow.

13. Peter works with at the local winery. He is dating his boss, Josephine. He asks for a raise because of Mary’s predicament.

14. Mary tells her boyfriend, Sam that she’s going to kidnap Santa Claus. He threatens to call her therapist. He ends up humoring her by going with her.

15. Santa Claus is real! And Sam is shocked that Mary actually knows him.

16. Everyone in town has a role to play in the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

17. Mary sings at the local bar the night before the festival starts.

18. Peter can ice skate.

19. As part of the festival, the town puts on a 1940’s dance contest ala IAWL. Mary loses.

20. Mary kidnaps Santa Claus. The government and NORAD are immediately notified, and agents are sent to find all the former NORAD agents that might have knowledge of Santa.

21. Mary hides Santa in the back of her closed snowmobile shop. They move threw town unnoticed because of the annual Santa 5K run where all the contestants dress as Santa. The town is swapped with Santas.

22. Peter may still be in love with Mary and not Josephine.

23. Peter realizes that Mary is missing and probably has Santa Claus. He goes to the police who laugh at him.

24. Santa gets away and turns up in the parade on top of the firetruck.

25. Janie and Ruthie go out to look for their mother and are lost. Looking for their children brings Mary and Peter together.

26. The children are found at the church and there is a touching moment when the townspeople sing a Christmas carol.

27. Christmas day on the courthouse steps, the town has paid off Mary’s mortgage with the money they made from the festival.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 7 – Loglines and Phone Pitches

Lisa’s Logline and One-Sentence Phone Pitch

What I learned from this lesson is to focus on the essence of the story and get it down in my head so it will come out automatically when I am asked about my script.

1. Write a logline for your screenplay for each of the 3 formulas:

a. Mary has lost her family and now is about to lose her business, so during the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival she kidnaps Santa for ransom to save them both!

b. Mary has until Christmas day to save her shop from foreclosure, but can she get away with holding Santa for ransom to save it during the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival?

c. The bank will foreclose on mom Mary’s shop on Christmas Day which causes her to kidnap Santa Claus and hold him for ransom during the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival!

2. Write a one-sentence phone pitch for your screenplay. First tell us the biggest hook and then incorporate it into your one-sentence pitch.

Hook: During the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival, separated mom Mary learns that her business will be foreclosed on if she doesn’t get the money to the bank by Christmas Day. Mary kidnaps Santa Claus and holds him for ransom to save her shop and to hopefully reunite with her estranged family.

Pitch: An upstate NY mom kidnaps Santa Claus to save her business and her family during the annual It’s a Wonderful Life Christmas festival.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 6 – What Makes Your Story Marketable?

Lisa’s Marketable Components

What I learned by doing this assignment is to figure out what makes the story and characters stand apart from previous stories.

1. Tell us your current logline.

An upstate NY mom kidnaps Santa Claus to save her business during the annual It’s a Wonderful Life Christmas festival.

2. Look through the 10 Components of Marketability and pick one or two that have the most potential for selling this script.

G. Wide audience appeal.
J. A great role for a bankable actor.

3. Do a quick brainstorm session about ways to elevate those two components for this script and tell us how you might pitch the script through the two components.

Everyone loves a family Christmas movie! Mary, the female lead character is desperate when she kidnaps Santa Claus to save her business and her family. She’s a part that any A-list actress would be excited to portray.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 5 – Building Your Network

Lisa is Expanding Her Network

What I learned doing this assignment is that I am not ready to do this step because I need to complete my script from PS81 and work on completing my next script during the Writing Incredible Movies class which I am attending soon. However, doing I am going to set myself up so I can hit the ground running when I am ready.

A. Action plan for next 60 days:

Create a Twitter account

Join the Twitter ScreenwritingU page and follow Hal. Follow 5 producers and actors (who would be great for my script) on Twitter

Change up my Linked In page focusing on screenwriting

Create a Facebook Screenwriter Fan page

Reconnect on Facebook with friends in the business

Connect with ProSeries 81 peers on social platforms

Work on Draft 2 of PS81 script

Do pre-work for Writing Incredible Movies class

B. Twitter Address: @LisaLon58012004

C. Producers following: Many that I thought may be interested in my genre of scripts; ScreenwritingU producers list; A-list actors that may be interested in my script

D. Experience of approaching producers: Not ready to approach because I don’t have a completed script yet.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 4 – Attracting Fans and Champions

Lisa’s Network

What I learned doing this assignment is that I have a long way to go to have real connections since I’ve been away for years.

Categorize them:

Who fits into each category? (Use C to represent Category.)

Your ProSeries

C2: Cameron
C2: Dana
C2: Kate
C2: June
C2: Michael
C2: Anita
C2: Anna
etc.

Writing Groups:

C2: Pat

Facebook

C1: 35
C2: 2
C3: 9
C4: 0

LinkedIn

C1: 15
C2: 2
C3: 2
C4: 0

Answer, “What potential do you already see in your network?”

I have been out of the business for many years, so I’m essentially starting over. I have actor/producer friends on social media that I have known for 30-40 years but I have never used them as connections.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 3 – Create a Marketing Campaign

Lisa’s Marketing Campaign

What I learned doing this assignment is that it is possible with the internet to do much more than one would think from a distance.

1. Tell us your main goal in your overall Campaign statement.

To sell my Christmas script outside of L.A. to a producer/production company for theatrical or streaming release.

2. Make a list of your main strategies.

Research and locate producers, actors/actresses who are interested in mid to low budget holiday movies about women.

Find producers, actors/actresses looking for family entertainment: Hallmark, Disney, etc.

3. Make a list of tactics that fit your strategies and campaign.

Create a strong and concise query letter (since I’m east coast). Mail out the query letters. Follow-up later.

Follow contests online and enter the appropriate contests for my script. Complete my next script that takes place in VA and enter the VA Screenwriting competition.

Use mass market media blasts.

Create and learn a pitch. Promote myself.

Build social media: Update my Linked In page to promote my screenwriting skills. Reach out to actor friends and participate on Screenwriting U Facebook pages.

Join more screenwriting sites and publications online.

Complete more scripts to have a larger portfolio!

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 2 – TARGET YOUR MARKET

Lisa’s Target Market

What I learned doing this assignment is that I can find a lot of information on the internet that can assist in finding contacts.

TITLE: Mary’s Wonderful Christmas

LOGLINE: An upstate NY mom kidnaps Santa Claus to save her business during the annual It’s a Wonderful Life Christmas festival.

GENRE: Christmas Dramedy

1. Make a list of five or more movies that are similar to yours and five actors that you might want to play your lead characters.

MOVIES

1. Christmas with the Kranks

2. Love the Coopers

3. The Family Stone

4. Deck the Halls

5. Christmas Chronicles

ACTORS

1. Melissa McCarthy

2. Emma Stone

3. Reese Witherspoon

4. Kristen Bell

5. Mila Kunis

2. Using the Targeting process above, find 20 to 100 producers for your specific project.

PRODUCERS –

Aaron L. Gilbert, EP

Adam Borda, EP

Adam Fogelson, EP

Adam Goodman, P

Adam Kolbrenner, EP

Adam Siegel, P

Alan B. Curtiss, Assoc. P

Alastair Burlingham, Co-EP

Aldric La’auli Porter, C-P

Alex Dong, EP

Alex Plapinger, AP

Ali Bell, EP

Allegra Clegg, Co-P

Allison Janney, EP

Amanda Bowers, P

Amanda Idoko, EP

Amanda Moshay, AP

Amit Pandya, EP

Amy Pascal, P

Anders Bard, P

Andrew Chang-Sang, EP

Andrew Gunn, P

Andrew Lowe, EP

Andy Fischer, C-P

Anna Culp, EP

Arnon Milchan, P

Ashley Albrecht, AP

Becki Cross Trujillo, EP

Ben Falcone, P

Ben Waisbren, EP

Bill Andrew, EP (as William V. Andrew)

Bill Block, EP and P

Bo Shen, Associate C-P

Breean Solberg, EP

Brian Grazer, P

Bruce A. Block, EP

C.J. Barbato, AP

Cait Collins, Line P

Cameron Crowe, P

Carrie Feigel Bischke, EP

Catherine Hand, P

Ceci Dempsey, P

Celia Khong, AP

Charles Newirth, EP

Chris Columbus, P

Chris Henchy, P

Chris Parker, P

Christian Colson, P

Christian Mercuri, EP

Claudia Tovar, Admin P

Clay Kaytis, EP

Cleta Elaine Ellington, C-P

Dan Aykroyd, EP

Daniel Battsek, EP

Danny Boyle, P

David Boles, EP

David Guggenheim, EP

David Haring, EP

David Iserson, Ep

David Nicksay, P

David Siegel, EP

Deborah Davis, EP

Derek Evans, C-P

Diane Keaton, EP

Divva D’Souza, C-P and EP

Donald Tang, EP

Doug Murray, EP

Douglas C. Merrifield, EP

Dylan Sellers, P

Ed Guiney, P

Eli Bush, EP

Emma Stone, EP

Eric Reich, AP

Erica Huggins, P

Erik Feig, EP

Erika Hampson, EP

Erika Olde, P

Felice Bee, EP

Francine Maisler, C-P

Franklin Leonard, P

Fred Berger, P

Gabby Revilla Lugo, EP

Gary Barber, P

Gary Gilbert, P

Gary Raskin, Co-EP

Glenn Close, EP

Greg Clark, EP

Greg Shapiro, EP

Guy Riedel, EP

Howard Ellis, P

Ilona Herzberg, EP

Jacob Avnet, P

Jai Khanna, P

Jake Gyllenhaal, P

James L. Brooks, P

James Paul, AP

Janice Williams, P

Jared LeBoff, EP

Jasmine McGlade, EP

Jason Cloth, EP

Jason Sack, C-P

Jeff Kirschenbaum, P

Jeffrey Harlacker, AP

Jen Gorton, EP

Jennifer Ogden, EP

Jennifer Semler, C-P, Waypoint Entertainment

Jennifer Simpson, C-P

Jeremiah Samuels, EP

Jeremy Kipp Walker, Exec. Production

Jerry Ye, EP

Jessie Henderson, EP

Jessie Nelson, P

Jim Whitaker, P

Joe Medjuck, EP

John D. Schofield, EP

John Griffith, EP

John Hills, EP

John Legend, EP

John Norris, P

John Whitesell, P

Jon Avnet, P

Jonathan Glickman, P

Jonathan Liebesman, EP

Jordan Horowitz, P

Josh Rosenbaum, EP

Julie Ansell, P

Julie Oh, EP

Karen Lunder, EP

Karen Ruth Getchell, AP

Ken Kao, EP

Khristina Kravas, AP

Kim H. Winther, C-P

Kim Roth, EP

Kimberly Quinn, P

Kristen Bell, EP

Kristin Burr, P

Kurt Russell, P

Lauren Miller Rogen, P (as Lauren Miller)

Laurence Mark, P

Lee Magiday, P

Linda McDonough, P

Lori Korngiebel, AP

Lyn Lucibello, EP

Marc Platt, P

Marina Grasic, P

Mark Kamine, EP

Mark Kaufman, EP

Mark Mostyn, C-P

Mark Radcliffe, P

Marsha L. Swinton, C-P

Mary Rohlich, AP

Matt Levin, Exec.Production

Melissa McCarthy, P

Michael Barnathan, P

Michael Beugg, EP

Michael Costigan, P

Michael Disco, EP

Michael London, P

Michele Imperato, EP (as Michele Imperato Stabile)

Michelle Wright, EP

Miguel Palos, EP

Mike Jackson, EP

Mike Upton, EP

Mila Kunis, EP

Mindy Marin, C-P

Molly Conners, P

Molly Smith, EP

Nancy Meyers, P

Nicholas Weinstock, P

Oiuyun Long, EP

Olivia Mascheroni, C-P

Oren Aviv, EP

Paris Kassidokostas-Latsis, EP

Paul Feig, EP

Paula Case, C-P

Paula Weinstein, P

Peter Billinsley, EP

Rachel Korn, AP

Reese Witherspoon, EP

Richard Brener, EP

Richard Marks, C-P

Richard Sakai, EP

Riva Marker, P

Rob Cowan, P

Robert Downey Jr., EP

Robert Graf, P

Robert Huberman, AP

Robert Simonds, EP

Robin Mulcahy Fisichella, EP and C-P

Rodrigo Garcia, P

Roger Birnbaum, P

Rose Garnett, EP

Ruzanna Kegeyan, EP

Sabrina Jaglom, AP

Sage Scroope, EP

Samuel J. Brown, EP

Sarah Bradshaw, EP

Scott Pluckett, C-P

Scott Robertson, AP

Scott Rudin, P

Seth Sanders, AP

Shixing Zhou, Assoc. C-P

Simon Cheyne, AP

Stephen Spence, EP

Stephen Traxler, C-P

Steve Mallory, C-P and EP

Steven Rogers, EP

Stuart Ford, EP

Stuart Ford, EP

Susan Downey, P

Susanna Fogel, EP

Suzanne Todd, P

Tanja Tawadioh, AP

Tate Taylor, P

Ted Gidlow, EP

Thad Luckinbill, EP

Theodore Melfi, P

Thomas Patrick Smith, AP

Tina Anderson, C-P

Toby Emmerich, EP

Tom Pollack, EP

Tony McNamara, EP

Tracy K. Price, EP

Trent Luckinbill, EP

Trisha Wilson, AP

Ty Stiklorius, EP

Tyler Zacharia, EP

Udi Nedivi, C-P

Victoria Hill, EP

Vincent Morano, EP

William G. Santor, EP

William M. Connor, Co-P

Yorgos Lanthimos, P

Zachary Garrett, AP

Zack Schiller, EP

Zev Foreman, EP

Zhongjun Wang, EP

Zhonglei Wang, EP

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 1 – What Do Agents, Managers, and Producers Need From You?

Lisa’s Project and Market

What I learned today is focus on the basics of my story and make it simple.

1. Give us the logline for your story and the genre.

STORY: An upstate NY mom kidnaps Santa Claus to save her business during the annual It’s a Wonderful Life Christmas festival.

GENRE: Christmas dramedy

2. In one or two sentences, tell us what you think is most
attractive about your story.

It is about a mom of two, way down on her luck, who looks for inspiration from Santa and her family at Christmas. Great role for a leading lady A-lister looking for a positive role with range.

3. Tell us which you will target first — agent, manager, producer,
or actor and how your script fits what they need and want.

Actor/Producer – Wrote it with Melissa McCarthy in mind. Pitch to a female actress with a production company. And/or Hallmark channel.

[Lisa Paris Long]

**VERSION THREE

LISA’S FIRST TEN PAGES

“Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY

UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

CLANG! Lightening cracks!

Two soaked figures tied together are hanging by a rope off the bridge.

WOMAN

(Dressed like an angel)

I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. Ironic that he’s trying to save ME.

She looks down at the MAN.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

But how do you save a war hero who doesn’t have her wings yet?

Woman’s cell phone rings. She answers as though nothing is wrong.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

I can’t talk now, sweetie.

Stuffing the phone back into her pants the rope jerks! She looks up but can’t see through the torrential rain.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

Well, this is what I am.

She leans back letting the rain hit her.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

I’m a mother in America!

I’m trying to convince myself and everyone else that it really is a wonderful li…

SNAP! The woman and man fall out of view.

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

…iiiiiife!!

FADE OUT

EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY-DAY-CONTINUOUS

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…

We recognize this voice as the voice of the WOMAN hanging from the bridge.

MAIN STREET DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.

WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)

For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it. Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-CONTINUOUS

THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM

People walking around town in summer clothing. It’s hot!

WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)

…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-CONTINUOUS

THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET

WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)

Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…

You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the past 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.

Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. But I couldn’t do it. So, my poor Peter has taken over running the show this year.

FRONT OF IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE MUSEUM

GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)

Do you recognize the George Bailey bridge? 2 years ago, my husband Peter saved me under that bridge. Then we separated.

The George Bailey bridge haunts us all every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…

FRONT OF WINTERS SNOWMOBILE SHOP

WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)

My baby! Look at my shop now. If I don’t pay up, it’s not going to be there much longer. It hasn’t snowed in 3 years. Business dried up and so did my will to live. Thus, the bridge drama. I have to find a way to save it, so saving me wasn’t in vain!

STREET WHERE WOMAN LIVES (OVER OPENING CREDITS) – CONTINUOUS

WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)

This is my street. I’m Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York.

ROW OF OLD VICTORIAN HOMES

MARY (V.O. CONT’D)

I’m not the world traveler I dreamed of as a girl reading National Geographic under the covers promising myself to see the world. After graduating high school, my journeys were on hold once I found out I was pregnant.

EXT- PETER’S HOUSE-DAY

Two girls in t-shirts and shorts run around a lawn with a dachshund.

MARY (V.O. CONT’D)

I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later. There are my beautiful daughters. This is where I leave you…because I don’t live here anymore.

CUT TO

INT- PETER’S HOUSE-FOYER-DAY

Peter’s house is a beautifully remodeled old Victorian with a modern touch… a Nancy Meyers film set.

INT-PETER’S KITCHEN-DAY

Pulling a pan of Christmas cookies out of the oven Peter plops them on top of another pan. Every kitchen surface covered with Christmas treats! He yells out the front door.

PETER

Girls, Uncle Billy! Breakfast!

Peter clears clutter on the table. Grabs a couple of hot waffles and slaps ice cream on top of each.

RUTHIE, a smart, wise 9-year-old, and JANIE, a sensitive, kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”.

RUTHIE and JANIE

“I want a pretty platypus for Christmas!”

Uncle Billy, the dachshund barks at them.

PETER

That is not how the song goes.

RUTHIE

Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!

JANIE

Yeah!

Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.

PETER

Okay, if you day so.

The girls sit. Peter serves their waffles and ice cream. Uncle Billy eats too.

PETER (CONT’D)

No tablets at the table, Ruthie.

RUTHIE

I know, but it’s not working right. Santa isn’t moving.

PETER

I’ll take a look at it. You eat.

Peter looks at the tablet. It’s the NORAD site. A message states “Santa’s journey begins on the 23^rd of December”.

PETER (CONT’D)

It’s not the tablet. Let’s give it another day.

RUTHIE

Can mommy fix it?

PETER

Mommy doesn’t work there anymore, honey. We’ll check tomorrow. Oh, I need to call your mother to see if she’s coming over for Christmas.

Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your mom for Christmas.

RUTHIE

What do you mean?

JANIE

She’s coming, isn’t she?

PETER

Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. She’s unpredictable. I don’t want you to get your hopes up.

Janie hangs her head. Ruthie looks mad.

PETER (CONT’D)

BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Josephine!

JANIE

It’s not the same without mommy.

They sit in silence. Peter wipes Janie’s face that is smeared with ice cream.

PETER

You like Jo, don’t you?

RUTHIE

She’s nice.

Janie agrees. Ruthie fights Peter as he wipes her face.

PETER

Then we’re going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. Don’t you think your grandmother would want us to have a cheery Christmas?

They look at the photo of grandma on the wall.

PETER (CONT’D)

She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”

Peter looks at their sad faces as he clears dishes.

PETER

Alright. Go upstairs and get ready for your last day of school!

Ruthie and Janie run up the stairs. Uncle Billy stares at Peter.

PETER (CONT’D)

You too, Uncle Billy!

Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.

CUT TO

INT-JENKINS BOARDING HOUSE KITCHEN-MORNING

MA JENKINS, 81-year-old wrinkly Black woman is cooking at a 1960’s gold stove.

Enter MARY WINTERS, 5’6’, 37-year-old, shaped like a Christmas tree woman that was hanging under the bridge 2 years ago.

SKIPPER ABLE, Ma’s curious 5-year-old grandson sits at an old wooden wobbly table.

MA

Skip! Stand up.

SKIPPER

Why?

MA

Stand up, a war hero is entering the room.

MARY

Good morning.

MA

Skip.

SKIPPER

Good morning.

MA

(scoldingly) Good morning, what?

SKIPPER

(exaggerating) Good morning, MA’AM.

MARY

Please sit down.

Ma glares at Skipper as if to say, “don’t you dare!”

Mary sits.

MA

(To Skipper) You may sit now.

Skipper sits and stares at Mary. Ma serves Mary, then serves Skipper.

MARY

Good as always, Ma

MA

Glad you like it. You have work today?

MARY

I’m heading over to Mr. Reed to help him with his porch and Mrs. Thomas asked me to stop by to look at her plants. I’ll probably stop at the rectory to see if pastor Frank needs anything too.

MA

Sounds like a busy day. I’ll fill a thermos with cold water for ya. I don’t remember a December so hot in all my life!

MARY

Thanks, Ma.

MA

Oh, I almost forgot to give you your mail.

Ma hands Mary a pink envelope. Mary stares at it frozen. Skipper leans on the table.

SKIPPER

Well, aren’t ya going to open it?

MARY

I’ve got to head over to Mr. Reed’s.

Mary doesn’t move. She opens the envelope but doesn’t take out the letter.

MARY

Ma.

Ma pulls the letter out of the envelope and hands it to Mary.

CLOSE-UP ON THE LETTER

Highlighted (like in an old movie) “Mrs. Winters you have until December 25^th to comply, or the bank will take possession of the Winters snowmobile shop.”

Mary cries. Ma sits next to her. Skipper is watching it all with big eyes.

MA

Now, it can’t be all that bad.

Mary hands Ma the letter to read.

MARY

I thought I had more time.

MA

Well. Well. You know you have a home here as long as you need.

Mary grabs Ma for a tight hug.

MA (CONT’D)

Hey! You and I know that miracles can happen…even in 4 days.

Ma wipes Mary’s tears with a napkin.

MARY

I need to get myself together and figure out a plan. Ma, I have to get my family back and it starts with getting my shop back.

MA

That ‘a girl, Mary. That ’a girl.

MARY

Thank you, Ma.

MA

Ah! You know I’m an old wise woman.

Ma guffaws, making herself laugh.

MA (CONT’D)

You’re welcome. If you get hungry later, I’m making chili in case we get company.

Skipper stands. Mary stuffs the envelope in her pants as she puts her plate in the sink and grabs the thermos, then hurries out the back door.

SKIPPER

(Looking out the back door) Why’s she always in such a hurry?

MA

She’s a busy woman, helping out people every day in this town.

Ma looks out too. Mary slowly walks reading her letter.

MA (CONT’D)

I sure hope she can get her shop working again. (Turning to Skipper) You take note Skip, there goes a brave woman who has sacrificed for many, a war hero, a conscientious mother, a friend to all. Don’t matter that she’s fallen on hard times. Happens to the best of us.

Ma leans down to Skipper and pauses to take in his youthful face…she smiles.

MA (CONTINUED)

She is loved.

Ma kisses Skipper’s nose.

MA (CONTINUED)

Now get upstairs and get ready for school.

KNOCK! KNOCK! Ma opens back door to find a HOBO. Skipper hangs out the door. Those jumping the rails stop by often at Ma’s.

HOBO

Ma’am. I heard you could give a man something to eat if I knocked on your door.

MA

No one is turned away here. (Hands the man a hand towel) Wash up out there.

(To Skipper)

What did I tell you? Get upstairs and get ready for school.

Skipper runs upstairs. Hobo washes hands and waits for permission to enter.

MA (CONT’D)

Come on in and sit down now.

HOBO

Ma’am, I can’t pay.

MA

No matter. Come on in. No one goes hungry at Ma Jenkin’s!

Ma gives a heartfelt laugh.

CUT TO

EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY

Mary walks down Ma’s walk, in a trance, steps off the curb and SCREECH!

Peter has slammed on the brakes of the SUV.

INT-SUV-DAY

PETER

(Jolting forward) Jesus!

JANIE

Dad!

PETER

Are you alright?

Janie and Ruthie shake their heads yes.

PETER

Stay in the car!

As Peter jumps out of the SUV…

JANIE AND RUTHIE

Mom! Hi Mommy! We miss you! I love you, mommy!

PETER

Jiminy Christmas, Mary! I almost ran over you!

MARY

Oh. Wow.

Seeing her daughters in the SUV, Mary waves at them.

PETER

What’s the matter with you? Are you back on drugs or something?

MARY

Why do you always go there? I just got some bad news that’s all.

Peter notices the letter in her hand.

PETER

Is that the bad news?

Peter tries to snatch it. Mary stuffs it in her pocket.

MARY

Never you mind.

PETER

What is it?

MARY

You never seem to get it. (in his face) We’re separated.

Mary walks to the side of the SUV. The girls open the sliding door.

PETER

(To the girls) Don’t you get out of that car!

Ruthie and Janie jump out of the car and into their mom’s arms.

JANIE

Hi Mommy!

RUTHIE

Mommy! How are you?

Mary squeezes each of the girls with tears in her eyes. Peter paces.

MARY

I miss you little ladies.

RUTHIE

We miss you too.

Mary sees the tablet in Ruthie’s hand.

MARY

What are you doing?

RUTHIE

We’re waiting for Santa to fly.

Mary takes tablet.

MARY

NORAD. I remember that site well.

JANIE

Mommy, how does Santa get down all those chimneys?

MARY

Well…I can’t tell you baby.

Mary hands the tablet back to Ruthie.

PETER

Mar, can I speak to you for a second? Please?

MARY

Be good at school today little ladies.

Mary kisses each girl on their head. Ruthie and Janie jump back into the SUV.

JANIE

When will we see you again?

MARY

Soon baby.

RUTHIE

Promise?

MARY

I promise.

Mary closes the SUV sliding door as if she’s closing the door to her heart.

PETER

Listen, I wanted to make sure you’ll be over on Christmas Day. The girls really want to see you on Christmas.

Mary nonchalantly glances at her pocket.

MARY

I can’t commit to anything right now.

PETER

Geez! I can never get a straight answer out of you. (anxiously) I have to get them to school.

Peter stares at Mary wondering if she’s slipped back into a deep depression.

PETER

I’ve known you since we were 14. I know when something is up. What is it?

MARY

Never you mind.

PETER

We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’ll call you.

Peter starts to walk away, then turns back around.

PETER (CONTINUED)

(in pig Latin) IXNAY on ANTA A, okay?

MARY

I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t tell them. YOU, IXNAY on ANTA A!

They chuckle at their long-time secret.

PETER

Okay wise gal.

As Peter drives away…

PETER (CONT’D)

(Yelling out the window) And stay out of the street!

Mary is standing in the middle of the street. SCREECH! Mary jumps.

ERNIE

(Out his car window) For Pete’s sake, Mary! Get out of the street!

MARY

Sorry, Ernie!

Mary crosses the street and looks at the letter again.

MARY

NORAD. Santa. Hmm.

Mary stares at Ma Jenkin’s Boarding House across the street.

MARY

I’m going to fix that place up one of these days. (Conjuring a thought) But first…I’ve got to get my business and family back.

Mary trots off down the street.

[Lisa Paris Long]

(SEE VERSION TWO POSTED BELOW)

ALL CRITIQUES WELCOME!

DAY 6 – Making Your First Ten Pages Great

Lisa’s Ready for Critique!

Synopsis

Mary saves her husband Peter from the George Bailey bridge. Later, we find out that Mary is a volunteer firefighter and she separated from Peter after the bridge incident. V.O. is used to explain how Seneca Falls, NY was the inspiration for Bedford Falls in the classic movie, It’s a Wonderful Life (IAWL). The first 6 scenes here show how Mary is a kick-ass mom and how she sacrifices while trying to hold everything together. Mary gave up her dream of traveling the world to stay in Seneca Falls and raise a family when she found herself pregnant right out of high school.

Peter struggles with the separation from his family and soon the loss of his snowmobile business. It hasn’t snowed in 3 years. Peter receives a letter from the bank that his business will be repossessed on Christmas Day if he doesn’t come up with the money owed. The character of Ma Jenkins in the following reflects Peter’s good traits.

Shortly after these scenes, Peter gets the idea to kidnap Santa Claus after seeing his daughters on the NORAD site. Peter was stationed at NORAD for a time while in the military prior to being shipped off to war where he became a hero. He knows that Santa is real and will use that knowledge to blackmail Santa with worldwide exposure if he doesn’t help him steal presents which he will fence to get money to pay his mortgage off. Mary is the only other one in Seneca Falls that knows Santa is real.

Near the end, Mary dressed as Santa thwarts Peter’s plans. Santa makes it snow. A la IAWL, the town gives Peter the money from the festival to pay off what he owes and save his shop. Mary and Peter reconcile.

(NOTE: Originally, I had Mary ending up with her boyfriend, Joseph. But just today, I’ve decided to make changes and have her end up with Peter in the end. I’ve added the first 10 pages where the Inciting Incident begins plus the next scene where the story takes off. I already cut out parts of scenes 3, 4, and 5 in order to shorten the scenes. I recognize that I may need to cut more.)

FADE UP

EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY

UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN dressed in a white robe like an angel, is passed out and dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.

WOMAN

They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. What would happen if I weren’t here?

She looks down at the MAN.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

How do you save a war hero who hasn’t gotten his wings yet?

Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it under her soaking wet life jacket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

I can’t talk now, sweetie.

The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her life jacket. The rope jerks and falls! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

Well, this is what I do. (yelling) I’m a mother in America!

The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

Like all mothers, I work my ass off every day to convince everyone around me, and sometimes myself, that it really is a wonderful li…

Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

…iiiiiife!!

FADE OUT

(NOTE: END OF OPENING)

SLOW FADE IN SHOWS EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-DAY

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…

We recognize this voice as the voice of the WOMAN hanging from the bridge.

SHOTS OF MAIN STREET DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls.” For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it. Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM

There are people walking around town, going in and out of the buildings, but they’re all in summer clothing. It’s hot in December!

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…

You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the past 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.

Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. I tried to get out of it, but no one else wanted the job. Well, except for Violet. I COULDN’T let Violet have it. She’s been after everything “ME” since kindergarten. See I’m an overachiever and Violet has always been jealous of me. So, I have no choice but to suck it up and put on the best darned festival ever!

SHOT OF THE FRONT OF THE IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE MUSEUM

SHOT OF THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

Oh no. There it is. Do you recognize the George Bailey bridge? 3 years ago, I saved my husband Peter from death under that bridge. We separated shortly after that event. The George Bailey bridge sits in the middle of town and haunts us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…

CUT TO

SHOT OF THE STREET WHERE WOMAN LIVES. OVER OPENING CREDITS.

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

This is the street where I live. I’m Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York.

MOVE SLOWLY DOWN THE ROW OF OLD VICTORIAN HOMES

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

The one thing I always wanted to be I am not. A world traveler. Before I could read, I would live under the covers with my mom’s copy of National Geographic magazine. Staring at incredible photos of faraway lands and pledging that I would see for myself whatever escape was featured each week.

EXT- MARY’SHOUSE-DAY

Two girls in t-shirts and shorts and a dachshund are running around the lawn.

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

After I graduated from high school, I was ready to start my journeys. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Peter and I decided we wanted the baby, so I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later.

INT- MARY’S FOYER-DAY

Mary’s house is a beautifully remodeled old Victorian with all the details, but with a modern touch…think a Nancy Meyers film set. Many travel photos and posters line the walls. (as in IAWL).

INT-MARY’S KITCHEN-DAY

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

I still dream of far-off places. My daughters often ask where I go when I stare into space. I’m in New Zealand or in India or on safari in Africa.

Mary speaks directly into the camera breaking the fourth wall again.

MARY

(holding a pan of hot Christmas cookies)

But then I snap out of it and with my feet firmly planted here in Seneca Falls, I’m focusing on the light of Christmas.

Mary holds up the cookies to the camera. Then looks around where every surface in the kitchen is covered with Christmas treats: cookies, cakes, pies, candies.

MARY (CONTINUED)

And along with the other Christmas man Santa Claus, I try to see everyone and make miracles happen for them.

(THIRD PAGE TWIST – Mary is not going off to exotic locations but stays in town to try to make life work focusing on helping everyone else)

Mary puts down the cookies and goes to the front door. She yells outside.

MARY

Girls, Uncle Billy! Breakfast!

Mary has prepared breakfast and is clearing the clutter on the table for her daughters. Mary stops and looks at her mother’s photo on the wall. RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Uncle Billy, their dachshund barks at them as though he’s singing along. Ruthie has her tablet under her arm.

MARY

(smiling) That is not how the song goes.

RUTHIE

Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!

JANIE

Yeah!

Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.

MARY

Okay, if you day so.

The girls take their seats and Mary places their breakfasts of waffles and ice cream on the table. After all, it’s hot outside. Uncle Billy goes over to his bowl in the corner and eats his dog food.

MARY (CONTINUED)

No tablets at the table, Ruthie.

RUTHIE

I know, but it’s not working right. Santa isn’t moving.

MARY

I’ll take a look at it. You eat.

Mary sits and looks at the tablet. She sees Ruthie is on the NORAD site. Mary sees a message on the top of the site that states “Santa’s journey begins on the 23rd of December”.

MARY (CONTINUED)

It’s not the tablet. Let’s give it another day.

RUTHIE

Can daddy fix it?

MARY

Daddy doesn’t work there anymore, honey. We’ll check tomorrow. That reminds me. (looking at her phone) I need to call your father to see if he’s coming over for Christmas.

Mary puts her phone down and gets serious.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your dad for Christmas.

RUTHIE

What do you mean?

JANIE

(getting anxious) He’s coming, isn’t he?

MARY

Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. He’s been unpredictable lately. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.

Janie hangs her head and Ruthie has a mad look come over her face.

MARY (CONTINUED)

BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Joseph!

RUTHIE

(half-heartedly) Sure.

JANIE

It’s not the same without daddy.

They sit in silence. Mary’s not sure what to say next. She gets a wet cloth and wipes Janie’s face that is smeared with ice cream.

MARY

You like Joe, don’t you?

RUTHIE

He’s nice.

Janie shakes her head yes. Ruthie pulls away as Mary tries to wipe her face too.

MARY

Then we are going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. What do you want for Christmas?

RUTHIE

To stay in Seneca Falls. When can we tell daddy that we’re moving?

MARY

I think it’s best that we wait until after Christmas to tell anyone. Now pinky swear that you will keep our secret.

RUTHIE

Okay, mom.

JANIE

Yeah.

Mary, Ruthie, and Janie put their pinky fingers together. And as they break…

MARY, RUTHIE, JANIE

Hee haw!

(TWIST: Mary has a secret; plans to move out of town after the festival, but only the girls know it. NOTE: Hee haw is a reference from IAWL)

MARY

Don’t you think your grandmother would want us to have a cheery Christmas?

Mary looks at the photo of her mother on the wall. The girls look at it too.

MARY (CONTINUED)

She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”

Mary clears some dishes. Janie goes over to Ruthie and sits in her seat with her. Mary looks at their sad faces.

MARY

Alright. Go upstairs and get ready for your last day of school!

Ruthie and Janie run out of the room and up the staircase. Uncle Billy stares at Mary.

MARY

You too, Uncle Billy!

Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.

CUT TO

INT-JENKINS BOARDING HOUSE KITCHEN-MORNING

MA JENKINS is an 81-year-old Black woman whose roadmap of a face shows her years of hardship. She’s at the 1960’s gold stove whipping up a hearty breakfast for her main guest. Enter PETER WINTERS, a tall 40-year-old, the man Mary saved from drowning years prior, and Mary’s brooding ex-husband who is also a war veteran. He wears a t-shirt and long khakis. SKIPPER ABLE is Ma’s curious Opie-like 5-year-old grandson whom Ma is watching for the day. As Peter enters the kitchen…

MA

Skip! Stand up.

SKIPPER

Why?

MA

(hitting Skipper’s arm) Stand up, a war hero is entering the room.

PETER

Good morning.

MA

(under her breath)

Skip.

SKIPPER

Good morning.

MA

(scoldingly) Good morning, what?

SKIPPER

(exaggerating) Good morning, SIR.

PETER

Please sit down.

Ma glares at Skipper as if to say, “don’t you dare!”

Peter sits at the old wooden wobbly table on the bench side against the milky window of the tiny kitchen. The old Victorian still looks as it did at the turn of the last century. It needs loads of remodeling, starting with the kitchen.

MA

(to Skipper) You may sit now.

Skipper sits in the chair at the end of the table. Skipper stares at Peter. Ma places Peter’s breakfast of eggs, sausage, and toast in front of him. Then serves Skipper. Peter pushes the eggs around…he really doesn’t like to eat breakfast, but he does it to show respect for Ma.

PETER

Good as always, Ma

MA

Glad you like it. You have work today?

PETER

I’m heading over to Mr. Reed to work on his porch and Mrs. Thomas asked me to stop by to look at her lawn. I’ll probably stop at the rectory to see if pastor Frank needs anything too.

MA

Sounds like a busy day. I’ll fill a thermos with cold water for ya. I don’t remember a December so hot in all my life!

PETER

Thanks, Ma.

MA

Oh, I almost forgot to give you your mail.

Ma takes the pink envelope out of her apron pocket and hands it to Peter. Peter stares at it frozen, petrified. Skipper leans up on the table.

(NOTE: Part 1 of INCITING INCIDENT. Peter receives notice that he’s about to lose his business)

SKIPPER

Well, aren’t ya going to open it?

PETER

I’ve got to head over to Mr. Reed’s. Thanks for the breakfast, Ma.

MA

You’re welcome. If you get hungry later, I’m making chili in case we get company.

Ma motions to Skipper to stand up. Skipper rolls his eyes, but slowly, loudly pushes his chair away from the table and stands. Feeling embarrassed about the pink envelope, Peter stuffs the envelope in his pants pocket. Ma hands him a thermos with a long strap and he throws it over his arm. Peter busses his place taking his dishes to the sink. Then hurries out the back screen door.

SKIPPER

(Looking out the back door) Why’s he always in such a hurry?

MA

He’s a busy man, helping out people every day in this town.

Ma comes to the back door and looks out too. The old Victorian house is set way back from the street with a long walk. They watch Peter slowly going down the walk reading his letter.

MA (CONTINUED)

I sure hope he can get his shop working again. (turning to Skipper) You take note Skip, there goes a brave man who has sacrificed for many, a war hero, a conscientious father, a friend to all. Don’t matter that he’s fallen on hard times. Happens to the best of us.

Ma leans down to Skipper and pauses to take in his youthful face…she smiles.

MA (CONTINUED)

He is loved.

Ma kisses Skipper’s nose.

MA (CONTINUED)

Now get upstairs and get ready for school.

Skipper starts off down the hallway toward the front foyer and the staircase, then turns around and scurries back to the kitchen when there’s a knock on the back door screen. Ma opens the screen door. Skipper hangs out the door to see who’s there. A disheveled and dirty HOBO is standing there in a torn coat with a plastic trash bag in his hands. He appears to be of some ethnicity, but it’s hard to tell below the dirtiness. It is common for those jumping the rails to stop by because of Ma’s famous hospitality.

HOBO

Ma’am. I heard you could give a man something to eat if I knocked on your door.

MA

No one is turned away here. (Hands the man a hand towel) Wash up out there and leave your bag.

(to Skipper)

What did I tell you? Get upstairs and get ready for school.

Skipper runs up the front stairs. The man goes to a garden hose and washes up. He stands at the back door waiting for permission to enter.

MA (CONTINUED)

Come on in and sit down now.

HOBO

Ma’am, I can’t pay.

MA

No matter. Come on in. No one goes hungry at Ma Jenkin’s!

CUT TO

EXT-MA JENKIN’S BOARDING HOUSE SIDEWALK-DAY

Peter is on Ma’s front walk. He rips open the pink envelope and pulls out the letter. Peter’s face falls and he tears up as he reads it.

CLOSE-UP ON THE LETTER

The line that is highlighted like in an old movie is “Mr. Winters you have until December 25^th to comply, or the bank will take possession of the Winters snowmobile shop.”

EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY

Peter is in a trance and continues staring at the letter and walking at the same time. Never a good idea. He steps off the curb and tires screech!

Mary has slammed on the brakes of her SUV.

INT-SUV-DAY

MARY

(Jolting forward) Jesus!

JANIE

Mom!

MARY

Are you alright?

Janie and Ruthie shake their heads yes.

MARY

Stay in the car!

As Mary jumps out of the SUV…

JANIE AND RUTHIE

(Yelling and waving through the windshield) Dad! Hi Daddy! We miss you! I love you, daddy!

MARY

Jiminy Christmas, Peter! I almost ran over you!

PETER

(stunned) Oh. Wow.

Seeing his daughters in the SUV, Peter lightly waves at them.

MARY

What’s the matter with you? Are you back on drugs or something?

PETER

Why do you always go there? I just got some bad news that’s all.

Mary notices the letter in his hand.

MARY

Is that the bad news?

Mary tries to snatch it. Peter stuffs it in his pocket.

PETER

Never you mind.

MARY

What is it?

PETER

You never seem to get it. (In her face) We’re not together anymore.

Peter walks over to the side of the SUV and waves at the girls. The girls open the sliding door.

MARY

(to the girls) Don’t you get out of that car!

Ruthie and Janie jump out of the car and into their dad’s arms.

JANIE

Hi Daddy!

RUTHIE

Daddy, how are you?

Peter tightly squeezes each of the girls with tears in his eyes because of the bad news he just got. Mary paces back and forth in front of the SUV watching Peter.

PETER

I miss you little ladies.

RUTHIE

We miss you too.

Peter sees the tablet in Ruthie’s hand.

PETER

What are you doing?

RUTHIE

We’re waiting for Santa to fly.

Peter takes the tablet and stares at the main page of the NORAD site where Santa’s journey around the world is tracked every year. He recognizes the site because he worked at NORAD when he was in the military before being shipped off to war.

PETER

NORAD. I remember that site well.

JANIE

Daddy, how does Santa get down all those chimneys?

PETER

Well…I don’t know baby.

Peter hands the tablet back to Ruthie.

MARY

Pete, can I speak to you for a second? Please?

PETER

Be good at school today little ladies.

Peter kisses each girl on their head. Ruthie and Janie jump back into the SUV.

JANIE

When will we see you again?

PETER

Soon baby.

RUTHIE

Promise?

PETER

I promise.

Peter closes the SUV sliding door as if he’s closing the door to his heart. He meanders to the front of the vehicle where Mary is waiting.

MARY

Listen, I wanted to make sure you’ll be over on Christmas Day. The girls really want to see you on Christmas.

Peter nonchalantly glances at his pocket.

PETER

I can’t commit to anything right now.

MARY

Geez! I can never get a straight answer out of you. (anxiously) I have to get them to school.

Mary stops and stares at Peter wondering if he’s slipped back into a deep depression. Then she addresses the camera, breaking the fourth wall again.

MARY

I’ve known this guy since I was 14. I always know when something is up with him. I will find out.

Mary remembers what she’s doing…

MARY

We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’ll call you.

Mary starts to walk away, then turns back around.

MARY (CONTINUED)

(in pig Latin) IXNAY on ANTA A, okay?

PETER

I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t tell them. YOU, IXNAY on ANTA A!

They pause realizing how stupid they sound. Then they chuckle. It’s their long-time secret.

MARY

Okay wise guy.

Mary hurries around the SUV and jumps into the driver’s seat, starts the vehicle and as she drives away…

MARY (CONTINUED)

(yelling out the window) And stay out of the street!

Peter standing in the middle of the street watches as they drive away. Tires screech behind him! Peter jumps and turns around.

ERNIE

(out his car window) For Pete’s sake, Pete! Get out of the street!

PETER

Sorry, Ernie!

Peter crosses the street to the sidewalk. Ernie shakes his head and drives off slowly. Peter takes the letter out of his pocket and looks at it once more.

PETER

(to himself)

NORAD. Santa. Hmm.

Peter stares at Ma Jenkin’s Boarding House as he puts the letter back in his pocket.

PETER

(to himself)

I’m going to fix that place up one of these days. (conjuring a thought) But first…I’ve got to get my business and family back.

Peter trots off down the street with a renewed pep.

FADE OUT

(NOTE: Part 2 of INCITING INCIDENT. Peter declares that he’s going to get his business and family back)

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Lisa Paris Long.

[Lisa Paris Long]

*VERSION TWO*

Lisa’s Ready for Critique!

ALL CRITIQUES WELCOME!

DAY6 – Making Your First Ten Pages Great

NOTE: I have made a major reversal to my story. I switched the main characters of Mary and Peter. Mary is now the war hero who suffers from PTSD and kidnaps Santa Claus. Peter is taking care of the children.

Synopsis:

Peter saves his wife Mary from the George Bailey bridge. Later, we find out that Peter is a volunteer firefighter and he separated from Mary after the bridge incident. V.O. is used to explain how Seneca Falls, NY was the inspiration for Bedford Falls in the classic movie, It’s a Wonderful Life (IAWL). Mary gave up her dream of traveling the world to stay in Seneca Falls and raise a family when she found herself pregnant right out of high school.

Now she struggles with the separation from her family and soon the loss of her snowmobile business. It hasn’t snowed in 3 years. Mary receives a letter from the bank that her business will be repossessed on Christmas Day if she doesn’t come up with the money owed. The character of Ma Jenkins in the following reflects Mary’s good traits.

Shortly after these scenes, Mary gets the idea to kidnap Santa Claus after seeing her daughters on the NORAD site. Mary was stationed at NORAD for a time while in the military prior to being shipped off to war where she became a hero. She knows that Santa is real and will use that knowledge to blackmail Santa with worldwide exposure if he doesn’t help her steal presents which she will fence to get money to pay her mortgage off. Peter is the only other one in Seneca Falls that knows Santa is real.

Near the end, Peter dressed as Santa thwarts Mary’s plans. Santa makes it snow. A la IAWL, the town gives Mary the money from the festival to pay off what she owes and save her shop. Mary and Peter reconcile.

FADE UP

EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY

UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN is passed out and just dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN dressed like an angel in a white robe, like Clarence in It’s a Wonderful Life. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.

WOMAN

They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. Ironic that he’s trying to save me.

She looks down at the MAN.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

But how do you save a war hero who doesn’t have her wings yet?

Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it in her pocket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

I can’t talk now, sweetie.

The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her pants. The rope jerks! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

Well, this is what I am. (yelling) I’m a mother in America!

The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

I’m hanging around trying to convince myself that it really is a wonderful li…

Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera.

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

…iiiiiife!!

FADE OUT

EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY-DAY-CONTINUOUS

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…

We recognize this voice as the voice of the WOMAN hanging from the bridge.

MAIN STREET DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.

WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)

There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls.” For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it. Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-CONTINUOUS

THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM

There are people walking around town and going in and out of the buildings, but they’re all in summer clothing. It’s hot in December!

WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)

…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-CONTINUOUS

THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET

WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)

Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…

You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the past 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.

Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. But I couldn’t do it. So, my poor Peter has taken over running the show this year.

THE FRONT OF THE IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE MUSEUM

THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)

Oh no. There it is. Do you recognize the George Bailey bridge? 3 years ago, my husband Peter saved me from death at that bridge. We separated shortly after that event. The George Bailey bridge sits in the middle of town and haunts us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…

CUT TO

STREET WHERE WOMAN LIVES. OVER OPENING CREDITS.

WOMAN (V.O. CONT’D)

This is the street where I lived. I’m Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York.

MOVE SLOWLY DOWN THE ROW OF OLD VICTORIAN HOMES

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

The one thing I always wanted to be I am not. A world traveler. Before I could read, I would live under the covers with my mom’s copy of National Geographic magazine. Staring at incredible photos of faraway lands and pledging that I would see for myself whatever escape was featured each week.

EXT- MARY’S HOUSE-DAY

Two girls in t-shirts and shorts and a dachshund are running around the lawn.

MARY (V.O. CONT’D)

After I graduated from high school, I was ready to start my journeys. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Peter and I decided we wanted the baby, so I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later. There are my beautiful daughters. This is where I leave you…because I don’t live here anymore.

CUT TO

INT- PETER’S HOUSE-FOYER

Peter’s house is a beautifully remodeled old Victorian with all the details, but with a modern touch…think a Nancy Meyers film set.

INT-PETER’S KITCHEN-DAY

Peter carefully pulls a pan of Christmas cookies out of the oven. Then looks around to find a clear spot to put them. Every surface is covered with Christmas treats: cookies, cakes, pies, candies. He plops them on top of another pan to cool. Peter goes to the front screen door. He yells outside.

PETER

Girls, Uncle Billy! Breakfast!

Peter clears some of the clutter on the table. He grabs a couple of hot waffles out of the toaster and slaps some ice cream on top each of them. Peter stops and looks at his mother-in-law’s photo on the wall. RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Uncle Billy, their dachshund barks at them as though he’s singing along. Ruthie has her tablet under her arm.

PETER

That is not how the song goes.

RUTHIE

Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!

JANIE

Yeah!

Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.

PETER

Okay, if you day so.

The girls take their seats and Peter places their breakfasts of waffles and ice cream on the table. After all, it’s hot outside. Uncle Billy goes over to his bowl in the corner and eats his dog food.

PETER (CONT’D)

No tablets at the table, Ruthie.

RUTHIE

I know, but it’s not working right. Santa isn’t moving.

PETER

I’ll take a look at it. You eat.

Peter sits and looks at the tablet. He sees Ruthie is on the NORAD site. Peter sees a message on the top of the site that states “Santa’s journey begins on the 23^rd of December”.

PETER (CONT’D)

It’s not the tablet. Let’s give it another day.

RUTHIE

Can mommy fix it?

PETER

Mommy doesn’t work there anymore, honey. We’ll check tomorrow. That reminds me. (Looking at his phone) I need to call your mother to see if she’s coming over for Christmas.

Peter puts his phone down and gets serious.

PETER (CONT’D)

Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your mom for Christmas.

RUTHIE

What do you mean?

JANIE

She’s coming, isn’t she?

PETER

Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. She’s been unpredictable lately. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.

Janie hangs her head and Ruthie has a mad look come over her face.

PETER (CONT’D)

BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Josephine!

RUTHIE

Sure.

JANIE

It’s not the same without mommy.

They sit in silence. Peter’s not sure what to say next. He gets a wet cloth and wipes Janie’s face that is smeared with ice cream.

PETER

You like Jo, don’t you?

RUTHIE

She’s nice.

Janie shakes her head yes. Ruthie pulls away as Peter tries to wipe her face too.

PETER

Then we are going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. Don’t you think your grandmother would want us to have a cheery Christmas?

The girls look at the photo of their grandma on the wall.

PETER (CONT’D)

She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”

Peter clears some dishes. Janie goes over to Ruthie and sits in her seat with her. Peter looks at their sad faces.

PETER

Alright. Go upstairs and get ready for your last day of school!

Ruthie and Janie run out of the room and up the staircase. Uncle Billy stares at Peter.

PETER (CONT’D)

You too, Uncle Billy!

Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.

CUT TO

INT-JENKINS BOARDING HOUSE KITCHEN-MORNING

MA JENKINS is an 81-year-old Black woman whose roadmap of a face shows her years of hardship. She’s at the 1960’s gold stove whipping up a hearty breakfast for her main guest. Enter MARY WINTERS, a 5’6’, 37-year-old, who is shaped like a Christmas tree and the woman Peter saved from drowning years prior. She is Peter’s brooding wife who is also a war veteran. She wears a t-shirt and long khakis. SKIPPER ABLE is Ma’s curious 5-year-old grandson whom Ma is watching for the day. As Peter enters the kitchen…

MA

Skip! Stand up.

SKIPPER

Why?

MA

(Hitting Skipper’s arm) Stand up, a war hero is entering the room.

MARY

Good morning.

MA

Skip.

SKIPPER

Good morning.

MA

(scoldingly) Good morning, what?

SKIPPER

(exaggerating) Good morning, SIR.

MARY

Please sit down.

Ma glares at Skipper as if to say, “don’t you dare!”

Mary sits at the old wooden wobbly table on the bench side against the cloudy window of the tiny kitchen. The old Victorian needs loads of remodeling, starting with the kitchen.

MA

(to Skipper) You may sit now.

Skipper sits in the chair at the end of the table. Skipper stares at Mary. Ma places Mary’s breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast in front of her. Then serves Skipper. Mary pushes the eggs around…she really doesn’t like to eat breakfast, but she does it to show respect for Ma.

MARY

Good as always, Ma

MA

Glad you like it. You have work today?

MARY

I’m heading over to Mr. Reed to help him with his porch and Mrs. Thomas asked me to stop by to look at her plants. I’ll probably stop at the rectory to see if pastor Frank needs anything too.

MA

Sounds like a busy day. I’ll fill a thermos with cold water for ya. I don’t remember a December so hot in all my life!

MARY

Thanks, Ma.

MA

Oh, I almost forgot to give you your mail.

Ma takes the pink envelope out of her apron pocket and hands it to Mary. Mary stares at it frozen, petrified. Skipper leans up on the table.

SKIPPER

Well, aren’t ya going to open it?

MARY

I’ve got to head over to Mr. Reed’s. Thanks for the breakfast, Ma.

MA

You’re welcome. If you get hungry later, I’m making chili in case we get company.

Ma motions to Skipper to stand up. Skipper rolls his eyes, but slowly, loudly pushes his chair away from the table and stands. Feeling embarrassed about the pink envelope, Mary stuffs the envelope in her pants pocket. Ma hands her a thermos with a long strap and she throws it over her arm. Mary busses her place taking her dishes to the sink. Then hurries out the back screen door.

SKIPPER

(Looking out the back door) Why’s she always in such a hurry?

MA

She’s a busy woman, helping out people every day in this town.

Ma comes to the back door and looks out too. The old Victorian house is set way back from the street with a long walk. They watch Mary slowly going down the walk reading her letter.

MA (CONT’D)

I sure hope she can get her shop working again. (turning to Skipper) You take note Skip, there goes a brave woman who has sacrificed for many, a war hero, a conscientious mother, a friend to all. Don’t matter that she’s fallen on hard times. Happens to the best of us.

Ma leans down to Skipper and pauses to take in his youthful face…she smiles.

MA (CONT’D)

She is loved.

Ma kisses Skipper’s nose.

MA (CONTINUED)

Now get upstairs and get ready for school.

Skipper starts off down the hallway toward the front foyer and the staircase, then turns around and scurries back to the kitchen when there’s a knock on the back door screen. Ma opens the screen door. Skipper hangs out the door to see who’s there. A disheveled and dirty HOBO is standing there in a torn coat with a plastic trash bag in his hands. He appears to be of some ethnicity, but it’s hard to tell below the dirtiness. It is common for those jumping the rails to stop by because of Ma’s famous hospitality.

HOBO

Ma’am. I heard you could give a man something to eat if I knocked on your door.

MA

No one is turned away here. (hands the man a hand towel) Wash up out there and leave your bag.

(to Skipper)

What did I tell you? Get upstairs and get ready for school.

Skipper runs up the front stairs. The man goes to a garden hose and washes up. He stands at the back door waiting for permission to enter.

MA (CONT’D)

Come on in and sit down now.

HOBO

Ma’am, I can’t pay.

MA

No matter. Come on in. No one goes hungry at Ma Jenkin’s!

Ma gives a heartfelt laugh.

CUT TO

EXT-MA JENKIN’S BOARDING HOUSE SIDEWALK-DAY

Ma’s old Victorian Boarding House is set way back from the street. Mary is on Ma’s front walk. She rips open the pink envelope and pulls out the letter. Mary’s face falls and she tears up as she reads it.

CLOSE-UP ON THE LETTER

The line that is highlighted (like in an old movie) is “Mrs. Winters you have until December 25^th to comply, or the bank will take possession of the Winters snowmobile shop.”

EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY

Mary is in a trance and continues staring at the letter and walking at the same time. Never a good idea. She steps off the curb and tires screech!

Peter has slammed on the brakes of the SUV.

INT-SUV-DAY

PETER

(jolting forward) Jesus!

JANIE

Dad!

PETER

Are you alright?

Janie and Ruthie shake their heads yes.

PETER

Stay in the car!

As Peter jumps out of the SUV…

JANIE AND RUTHIE

(yelling and waving through the windshield) Mom! Hi Mommy! We miss you! I love you, mommy!

PETER

Jiminy Christmas, Mary! I almost ran over you!

MARY

(stunned) Oh. Wow.

Seeing her daughters in the SUV, Mary waves at them.

PETER

What’s the matter with you? Are you back on drugs or something?

MARY

Why do you always go there? I just got some bad news that’s all.

Peter notices the letter in her hand.

PETER

Is that the bad news?

Peter tries to snatch it. Mary stuffs it in her pocket.

MARY

Never you mind.

PETER

What is it?

MARY

You never seem to get it. (in his face) We’re separated.

Mary walks over to the side of the SUV and waves at the girls. The girls open the sliding door.

PETER

(to the girls) Don’t you get out of that car!

Ruthie and Janie jump out of the car and into their mom’s arms.

JANIE

Hi Mommy!

RUTHIE

Mommy! How are you?

Mary tightly squeezes each of the girls with tears in her eyes, also because of the bad news she just got. Peter paces back and forth in front of the SUV watching Mary.

MARY

I miss you little ladies.

RUTHIE

We miss you too.

Mary sees the tablet in Ruthie’s hand.

MARY

What are you doing?

RUTHIE

We’re waiting for Santa to fly.

Mary takes the tablet and stares at the main page of the NORAD site where Santa’s journey around the world is tracked every year. She recognizes the site because she worked at NORAD when she was in the military before being shipped off to war.

MARY

NORAD. I remember that site well.

JANIE

Mommy, how does Santa get down all those chimneys?

MARY

Well…I can’t tell you baby.

Mary hands the tablet back to Ruthie.

PETER

Mar, can I speak to you for a second? Please?

MARY

Be good at school today little ladies.

Mary kisses each girl on their head. Ruthie and Janie jump back into the SUV.

JANIE

When will we see you again?

MARY

Soon baby.

RUTHIE

Promise?

MARY

I promise.

Mary closes the SUV sliding door as if she’s closing the door to her heart. She meanders to the front of the vehicle where Peter is waiting.

PETER

Listen, I wanted to make sure you’ll be over on Christmas Day. The girls really want to see you on Christmas.

Mary nonchalantly glances at her pocket.

MARY

I can’t commit to anything right now.

PETER

Geez! I can never get a straight answer out of you. (anxiously) I have to get them to school.

Peter stops and stares at Mary wondering if she’s slipped back into a deep depression. We hear what he’s thinking…

PETER (V.O.)

I’ve known this gal since I was 14. I always know when something is up with her. I will find out.

Peter remembers what he’s doing…

PETER

We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’ll call you.

Peter starts to walk away, then turns back around.

PETER (CONTINUED)

(In pig Latin) IXNAY on ANTA A, okay?

MARY

I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t tell them. YOU, IXNAY on ANTA A!

They pause realizing how stupid they sound. Then they chuckle. It’s their long-time secret.

PETER

Okay wise gal.

Peter hurries around the SUV and jumps into the driver’s seat, starts the vehicle and as he drives away…

PETER (CONT’D)

(yelling out the window) And stay out of the street!

Mary standing in the middle of the street watches as they drive away. Tires screech behind her! Mary jumps and turns around.

ERNIE

(out his car window) For Pete’s sake, Mary! Get out of the street!

MARY

Sorry, Ernie!

Mary crosses the street to the sidewalk. Ernie shakes his head and drives off slowly. Mary takes the letter out of her pocket and looks at it once more.

MARY

(to herself)

NORAD. Santa. Hmm.

Mary stares at Ma Jenkin’s Boarding House as she puts the letter back in her pocket.

MARY

(to herself)

I’m going to fix that place up one of these days. (conjuring a thought) But first…I’ve got to get my business and family back.

Mary trots off down the street with a renewed pep.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 5 – First Pages That Blow ‘Em Away

Lisa’s Great First Page!

What I learned is to play with my scenes and push the extremes. I might have to rein it back in, but that’s better than a boring scene.

FADE UP

EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY

UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN dressed in a white robe like an angel, is passed out and dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.

WOMAN

They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. What would happen if I weren’t here?

She looks down at the MAN.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

How do you save a war hero who hasn’t gotten his wings yet?

Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it under her soaking wet life jacket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

I can’t talk now, sweetie.

The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her life jacket. The rope jerks and falls! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

Well, this is what I do. (yelling) I’m a mother in America!

The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

Like all mothers, I work my ass off every day to convince everyone around me, and sometimes myself, that it really is a wonderful li…

Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

…iiiiiife!!

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 4 – The Necessary Structural Components

Lisa’s Rough Draft

What I learned is to focus the story on the main events while setting the stage for the entire movie.

FIRST 10 (13) PAGES OF “MARY’S WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS”

—————–

FADE UP

EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY

UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN dressed in a white robe like an angel, is passed out and just dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.

WOMAN

They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. What would happen if I weren’t here?

She looks down at the MAN.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

And how do you save a war hero?

Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it under her life jacket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

I can’t talk now, sweetie.

The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her life jacket. The rope jerks! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

Well, this is what I do. (yelling) I’m a mother in America!

The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

Like all mothers, I work my ass off every day to convince everyone around me, and sometimes myself, that it really is a wonderful li…

Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

…iiiiiife!!

FADE OUT

SLOW FADE IN SHOWS EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-DAY

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…

We recognize this voice as the voice of the WOMAN hanging from the bridge.

SHOTS OF MAIN STREET DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls.” For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it. Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM

There are people walking around town and going in and out of the buildings, but they’re all in summer clothing. It’s hot in December!

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…

SHOT OF THE FRONT OF THE IAWL MUSEUM

SHOT OF THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

Oh no. There it is the George Bailey bridge sitting in the middle of town and haunting us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…

CUT TO SHOT OF THE STREET WHERE WOMAN LIVES. OVER OPENING CREDITS.

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

There is the street where I live. I’m Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York. I am a mom, a sister, a daughter, a winery-worker, a community activist, a volunteer firefighter…and an ex.

MOVE SLOWLY DOWN THE ROW OF OLD VICTORIAN HOMES

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

But the one thing I always wanted to be I am not. A world traveler. Before I could read, I would live under the covers with my mom’s copy of National Geographic magazine. Staring at incredible photos of faraway lands and pledging that I would see for myself whatever escape was featured each week.

SHOT OF MARY’SHOUSE

Two girls in t-shirts and shorts and a dachshund are running around the lawn.

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

After I graduated from high school, I was ready to start my journeys. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Peter and I decided we wanted the baby, so I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later.

MOVE INTO MARY’S HOUSE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

Mary’s house is a beautifully remodeled old Victorian with all the details, but with a modern touch…think a Nancy Meyers film set.

INT-MARY’S KITCHEN-DAY

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

I still dream of far-off places. My daughters often ask where I go when I stare into space. I’m in New Zealand or in India or on safari in Africa. When I’m dreaming of the world, I often think of the quote from Helen Keller, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” Sometimes my life feels like nothing at all.

Mary speaks directly into the camera breaking the fourth wall again.

MARY

(Holding a pan of hot Christmas cookies)

But then I snap out of it and focus on Aristotle who said that “It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” So, with my feet firmly planted here in Seneca Falls, I’m focusing on the light of Christmas.

Mary holds up the cookies to the camera. Then looks around where every surface in the kitchen is covered with Christmas treats: cookies, cakes, pies, candies.

MARY

And along with the other Christmas man Santa Claus, I try to see everyone and make miracles happen for them.

(THIRD PAGE TWIST – Mary is not going off to exotic locations but will stay in town and try to make it work for everyone else.)

Mary puts down the cookies and goes to the front screen door. She yells outside.

MARY

Girls, Uncle Billy! Breakfast!

Mary has just prepared breakfast and is clearing a spot on the table to put it for her daughters. Mary stops and looks at her mother’s photo on the wall over the table. Mary’s mother died early in the year. RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Uncle Billy, their dachshund barks at them as though he’s singing along. Ruthie has her laptop under her arm.

MARY

(smiling) That is not how the song goes.

RUTHIE

Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!

JANIE

Yeah!

Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.

MARY

Okay, if you day so.

The girls take their seats and Mary places their breakfasts of toast and eggs on the table. Uncle Billy goes over to his bowl in the corner and eats too.

MARY (CONTINUED)

No computers at the table, Ruthie.

RUTHIE

I know, but it’s not working right. I can’t find Santa on the site.

MARY

I’ll take a look at it. You eat.

Mary opens the laptop and sees Ruthie was on the NORAD site. Mary sees a message on the top of the site that states Santa may be delayed in departing the North Pole. This is very odd because the site always starts Santa’s voyage on the 23^rd of December, today.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Hmm. This is strange. I don’t think it’s the computer.

Mary doesn’t want to worry the girls about it.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Let’s give it another day and we’ll see if Santa starts his journey tomorrow.

RUTHIE

Can daddy fix it?

MARY

Daddy doesn’t work there anymore. We’ll check again tomorrow.

RUTHIE

(disappointed)

Okay.

MARY

That reminds me. (looking at her phone) I need to call your father to see if he’s coming over for Christmas.

Mary puts her phone down and gets serious.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your dad for Christmas.

RUTHIE

What do you mean?

JANIE

(getting anxious) He’s coming, isn’t he?

MARY

Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. He’s been unpredictable lately. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.

Janie hangs her head and Ruthie has a mad look come over her face.

MARY (CONTINUED)

BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Joseph!

RUTHIE

(half-heartedly) Sure.

JANIE

It’s not the same without daddy.

They sit in silence. Mary’s not sure what to say next.

MARY

You like Joe, don’t you?

RUTHIE

He’s nice.

Janie shakes her head yes.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Then we are going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. Don’t you think your grandmother would agree with that?

Mary looks at the photo of her mother on the wall. The girls look at it too.

MARY (CONTINUED)

She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”

Mary clears some dishes. Janie goes over to Ruthie and sits in her seat with her. Mary looks at their sad faces and has to turn those frowns upside down.

MARY

So! I think I have two hours to spare today when I don’t have to work on the festival. What would you like to do?

JANIE AND RUTHIE

Ice skating!!

MARY

Well, I don’t know if you want to go with me. You know I was pretty good when I was your ages, young ladies.

JANIE

Please!!

RUTHIE

Come on, mom!

MARY

I did promise Annie I’d meet up with her. I guess we’ll have to go to the rink since it’s so hot.

Janie and Ruthie stare with anticipation. Mary takes an extra beat to make them wait. She likes the attention from them!

MARY (CONTINUED)

Okay! But I think we must have a race across the rink to see who is the fastest. Are you interested?

JANIE

Sure am!

RUTHIE

I’m going to beat you both! HA! HA!

They race around the table while Uncle Billy jumps up and barks at them.

MARY

Alright! Go upstairs and get ready for school. We’ll go to the rink afterwards.

Ruthie and Janie run out of the room and up the staircase. Uncle Billy stares at Mary.

MARY

You too, Uncle Billy!

Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.

FADE OUT

CUT TO

INT-JENKINS BOARDING HOUSE KITCHEN-MORNING

MA JENKINS is an 81-year-old Black woman whose roadmap of a face shows her years of hardship. She’s at the 1960’s gold stove whipping up a hearty breakfast for her main guest. Enter PETER WINTERS, a tall 40-year-old, the man Mary saved from drowning years prior, and Mary’s brooding ex-husband who is also a war veteran. He wears a t-shirt and long khakis. SKIPPER ABLE is Ma’s curious 5-year-old grandson whom Ma is watching for the day. As Peter enters the kitchen…

MA

Skip! Stand up.

SKIPPER

Why?

MA

(hitting Skipper’s arm) Stand up, a war hero is entering the room.

PETER

Good morning.

MA

Skip.

SKIPPER

Good morning.

MA

(scoldingly) Good morning, what?

SKIPPER

(exaggerating) Good morning, SIR.

PETER

Please sit down.

Ma glares at Skipper as if to say, “don’t you dare!”

Peter sits at the old wooden wobbly table on the bench side against the cloudy window of the tiny kitchen. The old Victorian needs loads of remodeling, starting with the kitchen.

MA

(to Skipper) You may sit now.

Skipper sits in the chair at the end of the table. Skipper stares at Peter. Ma places Peter’s breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast in front of him. Then serves Skipper. Peter pushes the eggs around…he really doesn’t like to eat breakfast, but he does it to show respect for Ma.

PETER

Good as always, Ma

MA

Glad you like it. You have work today?

PETER

I’m heading over to Mr. Reed to work on his porch and Mrs. Thomas asked me to stop by to look at her lawn. I’ll probably stop at the rectory to see if pastor Frank needs anything too.

MA

Sounds like a busy day. I’ll fill a thermos with cold water for ya. I don’t remember a December so hot in all my life!

There is a knock on the back door screen of the kitchen. Ma opens the screen door. A disheveled and dirty hobo is standing there in a torn coat with a plastic trash bag in his hands. He appears to be of some ethnicity, but it’s hard to tell below the dirtiness. It is common for those jumping the rails to stop by because of Ma’s famous hospitality.

MAN

Ma’am. I heard you could give a man something to eat if I knocked on your door.

MA

No one is turned away here. (hands the man a hand towel) Wash up out there and leave your bag.

The man goes to a garden hose and washes up. He stands at the back door waiting for permission to enter.

MA

Come on in and sit down now.

MAN

Ma’am, I can’t pay.

MA

No matter. Come on in.

The man enters the kitchen and sits in one of the peeling mixed matched chairs across from Peter. Ma’s fixing the man a plate. Skipper makes a face at the man.

SKIPPER

What is your name, SIR? (emphasizing the sir for Ma)

MAN

Akio McGee. What’s yours?

SKIPPER

Skipper Able.

AKIO

Strong name, Skipper Able.

Akio raises and shakes hands with Peter. Peter doesn’t flinch because he is used to meeting strange men in Ma’s kitchen…happens almost every day.

PETER

Peter. (shaking hands) Akio. That’s an unusual name.

AKIO

It’s Japanese. My mother was Japanese, my father black.

PETER

(without looking up from his plate) We’re all something. I’m always saying I’m going to do one of those ancestry things, but I’ve never gotten around to it. Ma, what are you?

MA

Don’t you know you’re not supposed to ask a lady that?

PETER

(to Akio) That means she doesn’t know either.

MA

I know I’m Black and that’s all I need to know in this world.

PETER

(embarrassed) I shouldn’t have asked.

Ma has given Akio his breakfast and he is shoveling it in…probably hasn’t eaten for days. Ma puts more eggs on his plate.

AKIO

Thank you, ma’am.

MA

(to Peter) Oh, I almost forgot to give you your mail.

Ma takes the pink envelope out of her apron pocket and hands it to Peter. Peter stares at it frozen, petrified. Skipper leans up on the table.

(INCITING INCIDENT– Peter receives a letter that will change his life. In the next scene we see that it is a letter from the bank and he has until December 25^th to pay or lose his business.)

SKIPPER

Well, aren’t ya going to open it?

PETER

I’ve got to head over to Mr. Reed’s. Thanks for the breakfast, Ma.

MA

You’re welcome. If you get hungry later, I’m making chili in case we get more company.

Ma motions to Skipper to stand up. Skipper slowly, loudly pushes his chair away from the table and stands. Peter stuffs the envelope in his pants pocket. Ma hands him a thermos with a long strap and he throws it over his arm. Peter busses his place taking his dishes to the sink. Then hurries out the back door.

SKIPPER

(Looking out the back door) Why’s he always in such a hurry?

MA

He’s a busy man, helping out people every day in this town.

Ma comes to the back door and looks out too. The old Victorian house is set way back from the street with a long walk. They watch Peter slowly going down the walk reading his letter.

MA (CONTINUED)

I sure hope he can get his shop working again and meet a nice lady friend. (turning to Skipper) You take note Skip, there goes a great man who has sacrificed a lot for many, a war hero, a conscientious father, a friend to all. Don’t matter that he has fallen on hard times. Happens to the best of us.

Ma leans down to Skipper’s face and pauses to take in his youthful face…and smiles.

MA (CONTINUED)

He is loved.

Ma kisses Skipper’s nose.

MA (CONTINUED)

Now get upstairs and get ready for school.

Skipper starts off down the hallway toward the front foyer and the staircase, then turns around and walks back to the kitchen.

SKIPPER

Goodbye, Mr. McGee, SIR.

AKIO

Mind your teachers, Skipper.

Skipper runs full steam to the foyer again and up the stairs.

MA (CONTINUED)

(yelling after Skipper) And don’t forget to brush your teeth! (turning to Akio) Can I get you some more eggs and bacon, Mr. McGee?

AKIO

Ma, you are a fine cook. I wouldn’t mind just a little more if you can spare it.

MA

(with a hearty laugh) No one goes hungry at Ma Jenkin’s!

END SCENE

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 3 – The Rules for a Great Opening

Lisa’s Opening Scene is Irresistible!

What I learned is that a script is built like a house. Sometimes you work from the front to back, sometimes from back to front, and sometimes anywhere within.

—————–

FADE UP

EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY

UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN dressed in a white robe like an angel, is passed out and just dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.

WOMAN

They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. What would happen if I weren’t here?

She looks down at the MAN.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

And how do you save a war hero?

Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it under her life jacket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

I can’t talk now, sweetie.

The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her life jacket. The rope jerks! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

Well, this is what I do. (yelling) I’m a mother in America!

The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.

WOMAN (CONTINUED)

Like all mothers, I work my ass off every day to convince everyone around me, and sometimes myself, that it really is a wonderful li…

Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

…iiiiiife!!

FADE OUT

SLOW FADE IN SHOWS EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-DAY

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…

We recognize this voice as the voice of the WOMAN hanging from the bridge.

SHOTS OF MAIN STREET DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls.” For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it. Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM

There are people walking around town and going in and out of the buildings, but they’re all in summer clothing. It’s hot in December!

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…

SHOT OF THE FRONT OF THE IAWL MUSEUM

SHOT OF THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

Oh no. There it is the George Bailey bridge sitting in the middle of town and haunting us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…

CUT TO SHOT OF THE STREET WHERE WOMAN LIVES. OVER OPENING CREDITS.

WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)

There is the street where I live. I’m Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York. I am a mom, a sister, a daughter, a winery-worker, a community activist, a volunteer firefighter…and an ex.

MOVE SLOWLY DOWN THE ROW OF OLD VICTORIAN HOMES

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

But the one thing I always wanted to be I am not. A world traveler. Before I could read, I would live under the covers with my mom’s copy of National Geographic magazine. Staring at incredible photos of faraway lands and pledging that I would see for myself whatever escape was featured each week.

SHOT OF MARY’SHOUSE

Two girls in t-shirts and shorts and a dachshund are running around the lawn.

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

After I graduated from high school, I was ready to start my journeys. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Peter and I decided we wanted the baby, so I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later.

MOVE INTO MARY’S HOUSE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

Mary’s house is a beautifully remodeled old Victorian with all the details, but with a modern touch…think a Nancy Meyers film set.

INT-MARY’S KITCHEN-DAY

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

I still dream of far-off places. My daughters often ask where I go when I stare into space. I’m in New Zealand or in India or on safari in Africa. When I’m dreaming of the world, I often think of the quote from Helen Keller, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” Sometimes my life feels like nothing at all.

Mary speaks directly into the camera breaking the fourth wall again.

MARY

(Holding a pan of hot Christmas cookies)

But then I snap out of it and focus on Aristotle who said that “It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” So, with my feet firmly planted here in Seneca Falls, I’m focusing on the light of Christmas.

Mary holds up the cookies to the camera. Then looks around where every surface in the kitchen is covered with Christmas treats: cookies, cakes, pies, candies.

MARY

And along with the other Christmas man Santa Claus, I try to see everyone and make miracles happen for them.

Mary puts down the cookies and goes to the front screen door. She yells outside.

MARY

Girls, Uncle Billy! Breakfast!

Mary has just prepared breakfast and is clearing a spot on the table to put it for her daughters. Mary stops and looks at her mother’s photo on the wall over the table. Mary’s mother died early in the year. RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Uncle Billy, their dachshund barks at them as though he’s singing along. Ruthie has her laptop under her arm.

MARY

(smiling) That is not how the song goes.

RUTHIE

Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!

JANIE

Yeah!

Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.

MARY

Okay, if you day so.

The girls take their seats and Mary places their breakfasts of toast and eggs on the table. Uncle Billy goes over to his bowl in the corner and eats too.

MARY (CONTINUED)

No computers at the table, Ruthie.

RUTHIE

I know, but it’s not working right. I can’t find Santa on the site.

MARY

I’ll take a look at it. You eat.

Mary opens the laptop and sees Ruthie was on the NORAD site. Mary sees a message on the top of the site that states Santa may be delayed in departing the North Pole. This is very odd because the site always starts Santa’s voyage on the 23^rd of December, today.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Hmm. This is strange. I don’t think it’s the computer.

Mary doesn’t want to worry the girls about it.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Let’s give it another day and we’ll see if Santa starts his journey tomorrow.

RUTHIE

(disappointed) Okay, mom.

MARY

That reminds me. (Looking at her phone) I need to call your father to see if he’s coming over for Christmas.

Mary puts her phone down and gets serious.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your dad for Christmas.

RUTHIE

What do you mean?

JANIE

(getting anxious) He’s coming, isn’t he?

MARY

Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. He’s been unpredictable lately. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.

Janie hangs her head and Ruthie has a mad look come over her face.

MARY (CONTINUED)

BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Joseph!

RUTHIE

(half-heartedly) Sure.

JANIE

It’s not the same without daddy.

They sit in silence. Mary’s not sure what to say next.

MARY

You like Joe, don’t you?

RUTHIE

He’s nice.

Janie shakes her head yes.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Then we are going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. Don’t you think your grandmother would agree with that?

Mary looks at the photo of her mother on the wall. The girls look at it too.

MARY (CONTINUED)

She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”

Mary clears some dishes. Janie goes over to Ruthie and sits in her seat with her. Mary looks at their sad faces and has to turn those frowns upside down.

MARY

So! I think I have two hours to spare today when I don’t have to work on the festival. What would you like to do?

JANIE AND RUTHIE

Ice skating!!

MARY

Well, I don’t know if you want to go with me. You know I was pretty good when I was your ages, young ladies.

JANIE

Please!!

RUTHIE

Come on, mom!

MARY

I did promise Annie I’d meet up with her. I guess we’ll have to go to the rink since it’s so hot.

Janie and Ruthie stare with anticipation. Mary takes an extra beat to make them wait. She likes the attention from them!

MARY (CONTINUED)

Okay! But I think we must have a race across the rink to see who is the fastest. Are you interested?

JANIE

Sure am!

RUTHIE

I’m going to beat you both! HA! HA!

They race around the table while Uncle Billy jumps up and barks at them.

MARY

Alright! Go upstairs and get ready.

Ruthie and Janie run out of the room and up the staircase. Uncle Billy stares at Mary.

MARY

You too, Uncle Billy!

Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 2 – Opening Events that Dazzle!

Lisa’s Openings!

What I learned is trying different scenes out gives you other options that maybe you didn’t think of the first time around.

TYPES OF OPENINGS:
1. Instant Conflict Opening

Santa is being held against his will; tied up and gagged. We don’t’ know where he is, but he is in the back room of Peter Winter’s snowmobile shop. He is being interrogated by Peter as to how he moves down chimneys. A tracking device is found, and Peter threatens Santa with a gun.

2. The Shocking Opening

Peter Winters, who suffers from PTSD takes Mary, his wife hostage and threatens to jump off the George Bailey bridge with her. Peter’s brother, Bert tries to talk him out of it. Peter jumps taking Mary with him.

3. The VO that’s unusual

Mary is tied to a man, and they are both hanging off the George Bailey bridge in a fierce rainstorm. Mary breaks the fourth wall talking to the camera. She says: “They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the guy below me is my husband. What would happen if I weren’t here? How do you save a war hero? Well, this is what I do. I’m a mother in America! Like all mothers, I work my ass off every day to convince everyone around me, and sometimes myself, that it really is a wonderful life.” Snap! The rope breaks and Mary falls out of view.

4. The unique character

Mary is in her kitchen taking Christmas cookies out of the oven. The counters, dining table, and sideboard are covered with Christmas treats, cakes, candies, cookies, pies. Mary is on her cell fielding questions about the It’s a Wonderful Life festival to a reporter. What’s this? Mary is in a t-shirt and shorts. Mary calls for Uncle Billy, the dog in between questions. Mary says to the phone, “I know we’re in the middle of a heatwave, but it’ll be fun. And the show must go on!”

5. The action opening

Two helmeted snowmobile drivers are racing through the snow in a forest. Pan out to see Santa Claus is on the back of one blindfolded. Two US agents are racing behind them in their car.

6. The “trick” opening

We are inside the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. Mary Bailey is just about to close up the library. But Mary isn’t being played by Donna Reed anymore. It’s someone we don’t’ know. The scene plays out with Jimmy Stewart’s George Bailey accosting the new Mary Bailey on the street. Mary screams. Runs into a bar. George Bailey yells that she’s, his wife. Mary Bailey faints. FADE OUT. FADE UP. Mary Winters wakes up suddenly and looks around. She dreamed she was Mary Bailey.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 1 – What Makes a Great Opening?

Lisa Loves This Opening!

What I learned is to not start at the beginning. Add twists. Add very descriptive dialogue and descriptions. Add subtext. Build intrigue so that the audience wants to know more about your main character.

THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT

A WINDOWPANE

Assaulted from without by SNOWFLAKES. Wind tossed.

INSIDE, a bed, dappled with moon shadow. A LITTLE GIRL, fast

asleep. The wind whistles and sighs outside. She DREAMS…

Eyelids closed, eyes roving beneath… then suddenly they

SNAP open. A stifled cry. She thrashes for her STUFFED BEAR,

as a soft voice says:

(NOTE: Windowpane being “assaulted” by snowflakes – the very first line starts out using the tough lingo that we’ll hear throughout the entire movie.)

VOICE

Shhhhh.

And there’s MOM, kneeling beside her. Vague shape in the

dimness. The full moon throws light across one sparkling eye.

LITTLE GIRL

Mommy, the men on the mountain…!

MOM

Shhhh. Gone, all gone now.

(strokes her hair)

I’m here. Mommy’s always here and no

one can ever hurt you. Safe now…

safe and warm… snug as a bug in a

rug.

(beat)

I’ll sit with you, think you can

sleep?

(NOTE: Something has happened to this little girl and her mom. Who are the men on the mountain?)

LITTLE GIRL

Turn on the nightlight.

The mother nods. Passes her left hand gently over the girl’s

forehead.

MOM

Close your eyes now. I love you.

The child subsides, breathing steady. Eyes closed. The mother

rises. Regards her through the dimness. Slowly turns, heads

for the door. Flicks on a Winnie the Pooh NIGHTLIGHT —

Her entire right forearm is slicked with blood. More blood on

her Czech-made MP-5 machine gun.

(NOTE: PROVOCATIVE OPENING. What?! This is not a normal mom!)

She staggers just a little… barely noticeable. Passes out

on the light. Into darkness. Sits beside her daughter’s bed.

The child sleeps peacefully. Outside snow slithers at the

glass.

FADE OUT. Pause. Blackness.

FADE IN:

It’s snowing in southwestern Ohio. Before us, nestled in the

rolling hills: a postcard slice of suburbia. SUPER the

legend: UPPER SANDUSKY, OHIO.

Three Weeks Earlier.

(NOTE: TWIST. Flashback. Now we’re going to find out what happened to these two)

Peaceful. Serene. It’s the town in the glass bubble, the one

God shakes to watch it snow…

(NOTE: Poetic)

1 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY 1

CHILDREN, dozens of them, bursting from houses. Slapping of

screen doors. A HORSE-DRIVEN SLEIGH is rattling down Main

Street. Flanked by kids. Christmas carols, droning from

loudspeakers.

HAPPY, LAUGHING SANTA waves howdy, chortling his “Ho’s” in

groups of three, meanwhile he’s really a grizzled old fire

marshall named EARL, freezing his nuts off.

Beside him sits MRS. CLAUS, about whom we notice two things:

First, she’s the June in this June/December pair — and

second, she’s to kill for, an effortlessly beautiful woman.

For the record, meet SAMANTHA CAINE.

SAMANTHA

How you holdin’ up?

EARL

Freezing my nuts off.

Santa produces a bottle of Seagrams. Starts to open it.

SAMANTHA

Put that away.

(NOTE: Samantha has some manners when it comes to children)

Earl complies, grumbling. Some teenage burnouts howl from a

street corner:

BURNOUT

Ow! Mrs. Claus is HOT!

Samantha squirms in her seat, scowling.

SAMANTHA

I can’t take it, Earl, this dumb

costume is giving me a wedgie.

SAMANTHA

Driving me crazy, but there’s these

kids here –

EARL

Right, you don’t wanna be rootin’ —

SAMANTHA

In front of little Billy, age four,

yeah. “Look, Mommy, Mrs. Claus

chooses to go butt-mining.”

(NOTE: Oh! She’s also crass)

EARL

This is little Billy talking?

SAMANTHA

Age four, kid’s unbelievable.

(sighs)

I’m too old for this, Earl.

EARL

Yeah, yeah. Spare me, I got a

prostate the size of a melon.

Samantha stares at him.

EARL

Seriously, half my life’s a doctor’s

hand up my ass, I should marry the

fucker.

SAMANTHA

Say that a little louder, there’s a

kid in back didn’t catch it.

EARL

It’s not that fucking little Billy

again, is it?

(NOTE: Humor)

SERIES OF SHOTS:

Throughout the following NARRATION, we watch Sam: 1) Rallying

the varsity CHEERLEADERS; 2) Showing off a GERBIL to her

seventh graders; 3) Kneeling in church with her HUSBAND,

blessing herself; 4) Absently fingering a silver KEY which

she wears round her neck; and finally 5) Probing at a tiny

ridged SCAR under her hairline.

SAMANTHA (V.O.)

Eight years. I keep hiring

detectives, but they never find

anything.

(beat)

I was born 3000 days ago on the

beach in New Jersey. I entered the

world fully grown, wearing clothes I

don’t remember buying. Nothing in

the pockets but a single key, filed

smooth.

(beat)

I’m married now. Nice guy, early

forties. I stand naked in the mirror

and try to guess my age. Thirty-five, maybe. I have lots of scars.

(NOTE: TWIST. We hear that Samantha doesn’t know who she is. She’s hired detectives to no avail. But she’s married…with lots of scars. Where did the scars come from?)

2 EXT. SNOWY SUBURBAN STREET – AFTERNOON 2

Samantha walks with her husband HAL. Late thirties. Balding.

Coming out of St. Paul’s Episcopal Church.

SAMANTHA

Hal, I gotta tell you, of all the

Christmas pageants I’ve seen, this

was by far the most recent.

(NOTE: Samantha has a sense of humor)

HAL

Aw, honey, I had teenage girls

playing the wise men, what’d you

expect?

SAMANTHA

Teenage boys?

HAL

Well, I thought they did fine.

SAMANTHA

Just fine? Come on, it was ground

breaking stuff. The first Nativity

where Joseph stares at the wise

men’s tits all night.

She hugs him good-naturedly. As they near their house, an

eight-year-old GIRL drops from a TREEHOUSE and comes running,

leaps into Mommy’s arms –

SAMANTHA

Hey, you!

The kid leaps into her arms, as we HEAR:

SAMANTHA (V.O.)

Her name is Caitlin. She’s my

daughter and when I woke up on that

long-ago day, she was two months

grown in my belly.

SAMANTHA (V.O.)

I don’t know who put her there. I

may never. I just know she’s mine,

and she’s about to turn eight.

(NOTE: TWIST. Samantha’s intrigue continues…she doesn’t know who her daughter’s father is!)

The family troops up the driveway to their SUBURBAN HOME.

Chipper little A-frame. Christmas lights abound. Behind the

house, a vast frozen POND. It is idyllic.

3 INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – NIGHT 3

PARTY in progress. Laughter. Mingling. In the corner, CAITLIN

puts pipe cleaner antlers on the gerbil. Samantha shepherds

her home room class past the punchbowl. She is radiant. EARL

surreptitiously nips from a silver flask.

SAMANTHA (V.O.)

days. I teach now, fifth grade. I

have the key, I wear it around my

neck for luck. Except for that, and

my name, all traces of my prior life

are lost.

(beat)

Was I in love ever…? Did someone

look in my eyes, did I say,

“Darling, I’ll never forget you…?”

(beat)

Because fuck me, darling, I managed.

(NOTE: Where did the key come from and what does it mean? Samantha has a rough edge by the way she speaks)

ACROSS THE ROOM — Her daughter CAITLIN hangs with two young

girls. Shows off a plush TEDDY BEAR, says:

CAITLIN

His name is Mr. Perkins, my Mom

named him for me.

GIRL #1 points, whispers excitedly:

GIRL #1

That’s her?

Caitlin nods. Kid #2:

GIRL #2

That’s who?

GIRL #1

(excitedly)

Her Mom, she’s got amnesia.

GIRL #2

Swear?

CAITLIN

Swear.

GIRL #2

Too weird.

A voice interrupts their reverie:

SAMANTHA

Excuse me.

The girls whirl around, startled — Samantha is leaning on

the desk behind them. Busted. She smiles amiably:

SAMANTHA

Hello, girls. Caitlin, I’m going to

help Dad with the refreshments.

(leans in, whispers)

Which one’s Dad? I forget.

The girls look at her like she’s grown a tail.

SAMANTHA

Kidding.

(NOTE: There’s her sense of humor again. This is an interesting woman. She gives only bites of the story leaving many questions. And leaving the audience wanting to know more. The dialogue is efficient and creates an edgy feeling.)

CUT TO:

A DOOR KICKED OPEN, WHAM-! Splintered. Lock shattered.

4 INT. MOTEL ROOM – AKRON, OHIO – NIGHT

A NUDE COUPLE on the bed. They look up, startled — as three

men burst through the door. The LEADER: a haggard-looking man

sporting a soup-stain on his tie, whoops, that’s the design,

sorry. MITCH HENESSEY, private investigator and con man

extraordinaire. He flashes a phony badge:

(NOTE: Humor in the description:”…a haggard-looking man

sporting a soup-stain on his tie, whoops, that’s the design…”)

YOUNG MAN

POLICE. DON’T MOVE.

MAN ON BED

What the hell is this…?!!

YOUNG MAN

Don’t give me an attitude, sir.

You’re assuming I won’t shoot your

sorry ass, and everyone knows when

you make an assumption, you make an

ass out of u and mption.

YOUNG MAN

I’m Sergeant Madigan, Vice, and if

you cop a ‘tude, jerkoff, I will see

to it you spend the next ten years

in prison getting ass-fucked, and if

the case is thrown out because my

arrest is too violent, then I will

personally HIRE men to ass-fuck you

for ten years. So if you’re an ass-fucking fan, go ahead and mouth off,

but meanwhile you’re under arrest

for the crime of prostitution, now

shut the fuck up before I cut out

your kneecaps and use ’em as

ashtrays.

(beat)

Officer Donleavy, read him his

rights.

Donleavy looks pale, pasty. He stutters a few words. Loses

interest. Wanders away across the room.

MAN ON BED

(a trifle confused)

Please, this is my first, I… I’ve

never done this before, I’ll do

anything…!

YOUNG MAN

Sir, listen to me. I understand

you’re not a wealthy man, but in

light of the damage this arrest will

cause you, we might be able to make

an arrangement —

Donleavy plops in a chair. Belches. Grins foolishly. The man

in bed points to him:

MAN IN BED

Is he all right…?

THE REMAINING COP is swaying on his feet. Like a tree in a

hurricane. Donleavy pukes all over the floor. We CUT TO:

5 INT. BARREN GREY OFFICE – NIGHT 5

THERE’S THE GIRL. The one in bed moments ago. She and

Henessey are dividing a wad of bills.

GIRL

We gotta stop using bums.

(NOTE: These are cons. How do they fit into the story?)

MITCH

(lights a smoke)

Forget it. They looked like cops. We

pulled it off, didn’t we?

GIRL

It was embarrassing.

MITCH

You want I should hire actors, for

Chrissake? These guys are cheap,

they work for food.

GIRL

Uh-huh. So, when they puke all over

you is that, like, a refund?

MITCH

Trin, I’m pissin’ myself over here,

you’re so funny. What’s this?

He indicates an envelope earmarked for him. Labeled in magic

marker: SAMANTHA CAINE.

(NOTE: INCITING INCIDENT. Now we know that our amnesia-mom is being looked into. Who is she?)

TRIN

New case, honest to God chick with

amnesia. You want the job?

Henessey opens the envelope. Extracts a black and white HEAD

SHOT of Samantha, says immediately:

HENESSEY

Yep. Yep, yep, yep.

Stares, mesmerized. Trin peers over his shoulder:

TRIN

Wasn’t there a lady on TV named

Samantha? Had a magic nose or

something.

HENESSEY

‘Bewitched’, yeah. Good show. Chick

lived with a faggy guy, then in the

last season it was a different faggy

guy. Okay. Here’s what we do; get on

the horn to amnesia chick, tell her

yes. Then tell her in 1967 she

promised to give me a blow job.

Worth a try, right?

(NOTE: 10^th page, we know that the movie is about a mom with amnesia and why she’s being looked for. We want to find out who she is, what she did, how she ends up, etc.)

[Lisa Paris Long]

NA

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Lisa Paris Long.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 9 – Exchange Feedback on Your Ending

Lisa’s Completed Third Act

What I learned is tweaking the story and dialogue continues, so don’t get stuck with what has been done. Think about where it can go that might make the story stronger.

*I have a couple of notes in italics

1. SETUP: Give us a paragraph or two about the first two acts so we’ll understand the story.

Mary was voted by the town to take over the annual “It’s a Wonderful Life” (IAWL) festival in Seneca Falls, NY after her mom who usually did it passed away. No one knows that Mary is planning to move to Albany after the festival. Peter, Mary’s ex-husband is a war hero who suffers from PTSD. Mary and Peter have two young daughters, Janie, and Ruthie.

Peter is about to lose his snowmobile shop because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years. Peter did a stint at NORAD (*gov’t agency that tracks Santa Claus) when he was in the military. Peter plans to threaten Santa with worldwide exposure if he doesn’t help him by going down chimneys and stealing presents. Peter has a guy lined up to fence the presents. The money will save his business. He has until Christmas Day to get the money. To make ends meet, Peter has been going around town and helping people with whatever chores they need.

Mary enlists the townspeople to play parts in the festival and parade. Joseph has proposed to Mary on more than one occasion, but Mary keeps turning him down. Joseph is angry when Mary finally tells him that she’s leaving town.

2. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination.

Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa Claus from the North Pole. (Tilly thinks Peter is making it all up until they get there.) Peter brings Santa back to town. Mary is trying to find Peter because she’s afraid he’s going to hurt himself. (*At the beginning of the movie, we see a flashback to Mary saving Peter from drowning after he jumps off the George Bailey bridge.)

3. CRISIS — The decision point.

It is snowing after three years! Mary goes to the police to get their help with finding Peter and Santa. They laugh at her. Mary knows she has to thwart Peter’s plan herself.

NORAD agents (*comic relief characters), Dash and Donna have been assigned to find Peter and Santa Claus. Dash and Donna are tracking Peter, Santa, and Tilly. Peter takes Santa to his snowmobile shop. Peter and Tilly dress as Santa too, so he and Santa blend in with all the people dressed as Santa for the 5k Santa run.

The community center catches on fire. Mary and her fellow volunteer firefighters get it out. Mary has to move some of the festivities to the Women’s Rights Museum across the street. But Mary’s father, Harry locks her in the Women’s Rights Museum with her sister Violet to force them to reconcile their differences.

4. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.

Mary dressed as Santa Claus, switches places with the real Santa and tries to talk Peter out of stealing from the town. The NORAD agents shoot at them on the roof of a house that Peter intends to burglar. Mary throws herself in front of Peter and falls off the roof. Was she hit? Peter gives up to the agents because he thinks Mary as been shot. The incompetent NORAD agents missed. Joseph, Mary’s boyfriend is in the yard watching. He catches Mary when she falls, and they end up in a snowbank.

Santa convinces the bumbling NORAD agents to let Peter go if he agrees to meet them the next day. They let Peter go. Santa tells Peter that he could have left at any time but stayed to try and help him. He summons the reindeer and takes off.

To push the Climax, Peter and Mary’s daughter Janie is lost at the IAWF parade. They hug. Mary kisses Peter and then they run off to find Janie.

5. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.

Mary finds Janie in the nativity scene at the church. Poignant moment where Janie expresses that she doesn’t want to leave Seneca Falls. Town sings Christmas carol. Looks like Peter might be the one as they embrace at finding Janie okay.

The next day, Christmas Day, Peter goes to see the NORAD agents at the hotel. As he comes out to the street afterwards, the whole town is there. They tell Peter that they have used the money from the festival to pay off his mortgage and save his shop from foreclosure. One by one people tell how much Peter means to them. Joseph has agreed to finance next year’s festival.

Later, at Mary’s old Victorian house there is a party of people there including Peter and Mary’s sisters, father, and Mary’s best friend, Annie and her husband, Ernie.

6. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.

Joseph and Mary are on the George Bailey bridge. Joseph proposes one last time, saying, “You saved someone on this bridge once, save me Mary. Marry me.” Mary says, “Well…you are the richest man in town.” Freeze frame on Mary’s face. Fade Out. Screen says “One Year Later”

Fade up on Mary’s kitchen we follow Uncle Billy, the dachshund from the kitchen to the living room where Janie and Ruthie are shaking presents. Mary comes in the room and yells, “Are you coming? The girls are going to open presents now!” Joseph comes bounding down the stairs and says, “Watch out. I’ve got my wings!!” He kisses Mary and grabs a spot on the couch. Mary says, “And you’ve given me mine!” Mary smiles and jumps over the back of the couch to join him. It’s the end of It’s a Wonderful Life on tv and we hear Auld Lang Syne being sung.

7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE — An image or line that delivers the meaning of
the whole movie.

MARY V.O.

Turns out I love the movie, after all. I didn’t go to an exciting new town, but Seneca Falls can be pretty exciting too. At least once a year…when the purpose of life is to bring joy to others. (*a line that Santa says earlier in the movie)

We pull out of Mary’s house and view the street lined with old Victorians in the snow. Fly over downtown dressed up for Christmas. The church bells ring. And we see the George Bailey bridge.

*I haven’t completed the Third Act yet, so I’m just including the final scene here:

FINAL SCENE – “MARY’S WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS”

INT-MARY’S HOUSE-CHRISTMAS DAY

Janie and Ruthie are playing with toys near the tree. Peter and Tilly are standing in the dining room drinking and talking. Harry is sitting on the couch with Miss Davis, drinking and flirting. Annie and Ernie are noodling in a large armchair. All seem happy. Old timey Christmas music is playing.

Joseph takes Mary’s drink out of her hand and places it with his on a side table. He pulls Mary outside, putting on his coat and wraps her in a coat. He takes her to the car and puts her in it.

EXT-GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE-CHRISTMAS DAY

The town is quiet. Snow is falling. Joseph parks at the beginning of the bridge. He gets out of the car and runs around to help Mary out. He holds her hand as they go to the center of the bridge and look down at the frosty river.

JOSEPH

Mary, you did it! The festival was a huge success. It was very kind of you to rally everyone to save Peter’s shop. It’s important for the town. And for you and the girls. I hope that you have seen how devoted I’ve been to you. I can offer you things, but I know that you’re not interested in things. What I want to give you is me.

Joseph reaches in his pocket and pulls out the little blue Tiffany’s box he had earlier. Mary stares at him but doesn’t say a word.

JOSEPH

You know I love you. (chuckling) I’ve told you a million times. (pause) Once you saved someone on this bridge…save me too Mary. Marry me.

Mary looks at Joseph.

MARY

Well…you are the richest man in town.

They are silent. Mary ponders as she looks at the frozen river below. The camera freezes on Mary’s face.

FADE OUT

FADE UP

Title says, “One Year Later”.

We are in Mary’s kitchen once again decked out with Christmas treats, like the regional grape pie. We see Uncle Billy, the dachshund getting a drink of water. Then he runs and we follow him out of the kitchen into the living room. Janie and Ruthie are there in pajamas shaking and counting the presents under the tree. Mary comes into the room from the dining room and sets a Peppermint Pig on the coffee table. It’s a Wonderful Life is on the tv.

MARY

(calling upstairs)

Are you coming? The girls are going to open presents now!

Joseph mimics flying down the stairs.

JOSEPH

Watch out, I’ve got my wings!

He kisses Mary and grabs a spot on the couch. Mary smiles and jumps over the couch to join him.

MARY V.O.

Turns out I love the movie, after all. I didn’t go to an exciting new town, but Seneca Falls can be pretty exciting too. At least once a year…when the purpose of life is to bring joy to others.

It’s the end of It’s a Wonderful Life on the tv and we hear Auld Lang Syne being sung. We pull out of Mary’s house and view the street lined with old Victorians in the snow. Fly over downtown dressed up for Christmas. The church bells ring. And we see the George Bailey bridge.

THE END

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 8 –Parting Words and Visuals – Parts 1 and 2

Lisa’s Amazing Final Line!

What I learned is to take time and work and rework words and sentences to find the best possible ending line.

A. Directly answer the main question the entire
movie is about. Where and with whom does Mary land?

EXT-GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE-CHRISTMAS DAY

The town is quiet. Snow is falling. Joseph parks at the beginning of the bridge. He gets out of the car and runs around to help Mary out. He holds her hand as they go to the center of the bridge and look down at the frosty river.

JOSEPH

Mary, you did it! The festival was a huge success. It was very kind of you to rally everyone to save Peter’s shop. It’s important for the town. And for you and the girls. I hope that you have seen how devoted I’ve been to you. I can offer you things, but I know that you’re not interested in things. What I want to give you is me.

Joseph reaches in his pocket and pulls out the little blue Tiffany’s box he had earlier. Mary stares at him but doesn’t say a word.

JOSEPH

You know I love you. (chuckling) I’ve told you a million times. (pause) Once you saved someone on this bridge…save me too Mary. Marry me.

Mary looks at Joseph. She looks at the frozen river. The camera freezes on Mary’s face.

FADE OUT

FADE UP

Title says, “One Year Later”.

We are in Mary’s kitchen once again decked out with Christmas treats, like the regional grape pie. We see Uncle Billy getting a drink of water. Then he runs and we follow him out of the kitchen into the living room. Janie and Ruthie are there in pajamas shaking and counting the presents under the tree. Mary comes into the room from the dining room and sets a Peppermint Pig on the coffee table. It’s a Wonderful Life is on the tv.

MARY

(Calling upstairs)

Come on, we’re going to open presents now!

Joseph mimics flying down the stairs.

JOSEPH

Watch out, I’ve got my wings!

He kisses Mary and grabs a spot on the couch. Mary smiles and joins him.

MARY V.O.

I didn’t go to an exciting new town, but Seneca Falls can be pretty exciting too. At least once a year.

It’s the end of It’s a Wonderful Life and we hear Auld Lang Syne being sung. We pull out of Mary’s house and view the street lined with old Victorians in the snow. Fly over downtown dressed up for Christmas. The church bells ring. And we see the George Bailey bridge.

THE END

B. Finally we hear the one thing that the character
wouldn’t say in the movie. Mary finally admits she loves Seneca Falls and its people.

EXT-GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE-CHRISTMAS DAY

The town is quiet. Snow is falling. Joseph parks at the beginning of the bridge. He gets out of the car and runs around to help Mary out. He holds her hand as they go to the center of the bridge and look down at the frosty river.

JOSEPH

Mary, you did it! The festival was a huge success. It was very kind of you to rally everyone to save Peter’s shop. It’s important for the town. And for you and the girls. I hope that you have seen how devoted I’ve been to you. I can offer you things, but I know that you’re not interested in things. What I want to give you is me.

Joseph reaches in his pocket and pulls out the little blue Tiffany’s box he had earlier. Mary stares at him but doesn’t say a word.

JOSEPH

You know I love you. (chuckling) I’ve told you a million times. (pause) Once you saved someone on this bridge…save me too Mary. Marry me.

Mary looks at Joseph. She looks at the frozen river. The camera freezes on Mary’s face.

FADE OUT

FADE UP

Title says, “One Year Later”.

We are in Mary’s kitchen once again decked out with Christmas treats, like the regional grape pie. We see Uncle Billy getting a drink of water. Then he runs and we follow him out of the kitchen into the living room. Janie and Ruthie are there in pajamas shaking and counting the presents under the tree. Mary comes into the room from the dining room and sets a Peppermint Pig on the coffee table. It’s a Wonderful Life is on the tv.

MARY

(Calling upstairs)

Come on, we’re going to open presents now!

Joseph mimics flying down the stairs.

JOSEPH

Watch out, I’ve got my wings!

He kisses Mary and grabs a spot on the couch. Mary smiles and joins him.

MARY V.O.

Turns out I love “It’s a Wonderful Life”, after all…and all who come with it.

It’s the end of It’s a Wonderful Life on the tv and we hear Auld Lang Syne being sung. We pull out of Mary’s house and view the street lined with old Victorians in the snow. Fly over downtown dressed up for Christmas. The church bells ring. And we see the George Bailey bridge.

THE END

C. Solve the puzzle. Who does Mary end up with and does she stay or leave Seneca Falls?

EXT-GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE-CHRISTMAS DAY

The town is quiet. Snow is falling. Joseph parks at the beginning of the bridge. He gets out of the car and runs around to help Mary out. He holds her hand as they go to the center of the bridge and look down at the frosty river.

JOSEPH

Mary, you did it! The festival was a huge success. It was very kind of you to rally everyone to save Peter’s shop. It’s important for the town. And for you and the girls. I hope that you have seen how devoted I’ve been to you. I can offer you things, but I know that you’re not interested in things. What I want to give you is me.

Joseph reaches in his pocket and pulls out the little blue Tiffany’s box he had earlier. Mary stares at him but doesn’t say a word.

JOSEPH

You know I love you. (chuckling) I’ve told you a million times. (pause) Once you saved someone on this bridge…save me too Mary. Marry me.

Mary looks at Joseph. She looks at the frozen river. The camera freezes on Mary’s face.

FADE OUT

FADE UP

Title says, “One Year Later”.

We are in Mary’s kitchen once again decked out with Christmas treats, like the regional grape pie. We see Uncle Billy getting a drink of water. Then he runs and we follow him out of the kitchen into the living room. Janie and Ruthie are there in pajamas shaking and counting the presents under the tree. Mary comes into the room from the dining room and sets a Peppermint Pig on the coffee table. It’s a Wonderful Life is on the tv.

MARY

(Calling upstairs)

Come on, we’re going to open presents now!

Joseph mimics flying down the stairs.

JOSEPH

Watch out, I’ve got my wings!

He kisses Mary and grabs a spot on the couch.

MARY

And you gave me mine!

Mary jumps over the back of the couch and joins him. It’s the end of It’s a Wonderful Life on the tv and we hear Auld Lang Syne being sung.

MARY V.O.

Every day we all move at blizzard speed thinking we’re in the river alone, but no one is alone who has friends and family!

We pull out of Mary’s house and view the street lined with old Victorians in the snow. Fly over downtown dressed up for Christmas. The church bells ring. And we see the George Bailey bridge.

THE END

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 7 – Final Pages with Impact

Lisa’s Final Page!

What I learned is trying out endings can validate the one you’ve chosen or find you a better ending.

A. The Setup / Payoff final page.

Setup: Mary has the dream of leaving town and is planning to sell her house and move after the IAWL festival, as we hear in the opening V.O. and later in an ice-skating scene with her best friend, Annie. In the same scene, Mary says her mom used to say, “It’s just as easy to marry a rich man, as a poor man.” <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Payoff: Joseph proposed to Mary one last time on Christmas Day. Cut to “one year later” and Mary has a new townhouse in Albany. And she has moved on as she wanted.

Setup: Peter has PTSD and is about to lose his snowmobile shop. He has a plan to get Santa to go down the chimneys and steal the presents for him or else he will expose him to the world. He just wants his livelihood and family back. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Payoff: Mary dresses as Santa and thwarts Peter’s plans but appears to get shot causing Peter to surrender. The town pays Peter’s mortgage and saves his shop. He learns from Santa and becomes more at peace.

Setup: Mary & Peter are still connected by their daughters, and we see this in a couple of scenes including the nativity scene near the end of the script. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Payoff: Mary & Peter could wind up together and live happily ever after in her old Victorian with their daughters? We don’t know until the final scene.

Setup: Joseph wants to settle down with Mary and keeps proposing. He says he won’t give up. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Payoff: Joseph proposes one last time. Will Mary say yes, finally? We don’t’ know until the last scene.

Setup: Santa has been kidnapped by Peter whom he has a history with from NORAD. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Payoff: Santa tries to impart wisdom to Peter and help him have a rosier outlook on life. Peter discovers at the end that Santa could have left anytime he wanted. Peter wasn’t keeping him against his will. Santa’s kindness changes Peter.

Setup: Dash and Donna, NORAD agents are after Peter and Santa. Throughout Donna expresses that she loves Christmas. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Payoff: Santa insists they let Peter go and Donna as the senior office complies because she loves Santa too!

B. The Contrast final page.

For the last time, he proposes to her on the porch. Freeze on Mary’s face before she answers. Next, “one year later”. We are in Mary’s kitchen once again decked out with Christmas treats. We see Uncle Billy, the dog and follow him out of the kitchen into the living room. Janie and Ruthie are there shaking presents under the tree. Mary comes into the room from the dining room and calls upstairs. “Come on, we’re going to open presents!” Who comes down the stairs? It is a completely new man that we haven’t seen before!

C. The Climax/Resolution final page.

(This is where I am now) The IAWL festival was a success. The town gave Peter the festival money to pay his mortgage off. Everyone is at Mary’s old Victorian house on Christmas Day. Janie and Ruthie are playing with toys. Peter and Tilly are drinking and talking. Harry is there with a younger lady, flirting. Annie and Ernie are noodling. All seem happy. Joseph pulls Mary outside and wraps a coat around her. For the last time, he proposes to her on the porch. Freeze on Mary’s face before she answers. Next, “one year later”. We are in Mary’s kitchen once again decked out with Christmas treats. We see Uncle Billy, the dog and follow him out of the kitchen into the living room. Janie and Ruthie are there shaking presents under the tree. Mary comes into the room from the dining room and calls upstairs. “Come on, we’re going to open presents!” Who comes down the stairs? It’s a surprise!

D. The “Something good is going to come out of this mess” final page.

There is a wedding, but we don’t see who it is. Annie and Ernie come out of the church. Peter is with Tilly. The whole town is there. Mary and Joseph go to a nearby car where Janie and Ruthie are in the back seat. Mary and Joseph drive off with a trailer attached to the back. They are off to Albany. Mary gets her dream of living in a new place and love.

E. The “One last gesture” final page.

Joseph proposes one last time. Freeze frame on Mary. We don’t’ know her answer. New scene: We are in Mary’s kitchen once again decked out with Christmas treats. We see Uncle Billy, the dog and follow him out of the kitchen into the living room. Janie and Ruthie are there shaking presents under the tree. Mary comes into the room from the dining room and calls upstairs. “Come on, we’re going to open presents!” Who comes down the stairs? It’s Joseph.

F. The Shock final page

Mary has moved to a townhouse in Albany with her daughters. Then we see Peter arriving at the townhouse to pick up Janie and Ruthie who are young ladies now. Peter and the daughters arrive at a cemetery. It’s Mary’s funeral. The minister begins the graveside service. Mary’s family members are there. Harry, her father in a wheelchair, Violet and Tilly, her sisters, and Joseph. Mary V.O. explains that she died of cancer but had no regrets.

PICKED C: Final Scene “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

INT-MARY’S HOUSE-CHRISTMAS DAY

Janie and Ruthie are playing with toys near the tree. Peter and Tilly are standing in the dining room drinking and talking. Harry is sitting on the couch with Miss Davis, drinking and flirting. Annie and Ernie are noodling in a large armchair. All seem happy. Old timey Christmas music is playing.

Joseph takes Mary’s drink out of her hand and places it with his on a side table. He pulls Mary outside, putting on his coat and wraps her in a coat. He takes her to the car and puts her in it.

EXT-GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE-CHRISTMAS DAY

The town is quiet. The snow is falling. Joseph parks at the beginning of the bridge. He gets out of the car and runs around to help Mary out. He holds her hand as they go to the center of the bridge and look down at the frosty river.

JOSEPH

Mary, you did it! The festival was a huge success. It was very kind of you to rally everyone to save Peter’s shop. It’s important for the town. And for you and the girls. I hope that you have seen how devoted I’ve been to you and the girls. I can offer you things, but I know that you’re not interested in things. What I want to give you is me.

Joseph reaches in his pocket and pulls out the little blue Tiffany’s box he had earlier. Mary stares at him but doesn’t say a word.

JOSEPH

You know I love you. I’ve told you a million times. Please Mary, for the last time, will you marry me?

Mary looks at Joseph. She looks at the frozen river. The camera freezes on Mary’s face.

FADE OUT

FADE UP

On screen: “One Year Later”.

We are in Mary’s kitchen once again decked out with Christmas treats, like the regional grape pie. We see Uncle Billy getting a drink of water. Then he runs and we follow him out of the kitchen into the living room. Janie and Ruthie are there in pajamas shaking and counting the presents under the tree. Mary comes into the room from the dining room and sets a Peppermint Pig on the coffee table. It’s a Wonderful Life is on the tv.

MARY

(Calling upstairs)

Come on, we’re going to open presents now!

Joseph mimics flying down the stairs.

JOSEPH

Watch out I’ve got my wings!

He kisses Mary and grabs a spot on the couch. Mary smiles and joins him. It’s the end of It’s a Wonderful Life on the tv and we hear Auld Lang Syne being sung. We pull out of Mary’s house and view the street lined with old Victorians in the snow. Fly over downtown dressed up for Christmas and the George Bailey bridge.

THE END

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 6 – Rules for a Great Ending

Lisa’s Rules!

What I learned is to brainstorm each moment and situation, each setup, each word to find the best possible ending.

RULE 5. Don’t go On-The-Nose. Check the current version of your 3rd Act and tell us where you highlighted any on-the-nose dialogue or action.

· Having the crowd sing Silent Night. Too on-the-nose. Will choose something else.

· Having the married couple ride off on a firetruck. If I do that, it should be a snowmobile.

· Mary gives up her dream of moving for a man. Is this realistic? Or too cliché?

RULE 6. The climax of the movie must be set in the quintessential
location for the conflict. Brainstorm possible locations for the best setting for your climax. Show us your list of possibilities and tell us which you’ve picked.

· On the George Bailey Bridge

· Mary’s Christmas kitchen where the movie credits first began to roll

· Outside the church at the end of the downtown in the snow

· It’s a Wonderful Life Museum

· Top of a firetruck in the snow

· Middle of Main Street in the snow

RULE 7. Must keep us guessing to the very end. Tell us at least three things you’ll do to keep us guessing to the end.

· Mary tells her best friend, Annie that she’s enjoyed being on her own these past 3 years. Will she choose to continue to be alone?

· Will Peter go to jail and lose his business? Will Mary save him for a third time?

· Mary has decided to move out of town. Will she do that? Or will she stay in the only town she’s ever lived in where her family is and with people who love sand support her?

· Mary has moments with both of the love interests, Peter and Joseph; who will she choose? She and Peter share a tender moment outside the church on Christmas eve when they find their lost daughter. Following scene has Joseph proposing one last time…has Mary made up her mind? The camera freezes on her face prior to her answering the question. Fade out. Fade up to “One year later”, we see Mary’s kitchen decorated for Christmas and see Uncle Billy drinking water from his bowl. Uncle Billy runs into the living room barking as Janie and Ruthie enter on Christmas morning. Mary comes downstairs and tells them to open just one present. Mary yells up the stairs, “Come on or we’re going to start without you!” A surprise…is it Peter, Joseph, or someone else?

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 5 – Setting Up Your Endings Powerfully

Lisa’s Powerful Setups

What I learned is that the more I play with the ending the more I get confused because there are so many possibilities. What will I do? I’m not sure at this moment.

A. Build their Reputation – Mary saves Peter from drowning and runs the festival
like a boss. Peter is unpredictable due to his PTSD. Joseph is steadfast and
never gives up on Mary.

B. Justification for the final actions – Mary proved at
the beginning that she’s a bad-ass by jumping off a bridge even though she
hates heights and saving Peter from drowning. She has confidence that she can thwart
Peter’s plan. They were high school sweethearts, and she knows him better than
anyone.

C. Cast doubt on the success of the final actions – Throughout the
movie Mary has been trying to decide what she really wants for her future. Can
she be happy if she stays in her one-horse town and continues to run the IAWL festival
each year like her mom did? Or would she be happier living in a new town and
exploring the world outside Seneca Falls. Whatever she decides, we know she’ll
be okay because she’s an amazing mom and person. But will she find love?

D. Discuss the final actions openly – Throughout the
movie, Joseph proposes to Mary more than once and she turns him down. He says
that he’s not giving up, but by the end he says he’s not giving up “yet”. Meaning
it’s finally getting old to him. Mary throughout is worried about Peter’s state
of mind and expresses that several times. She’s thinks that he may do something
bad that he really doesn’t mean to do.

E. Twists that take it away – Dash and Donna as
the comic relief are bumbling the chase. Mary and Peter’s daughter gets lost at
the IAWL parade and everyone scatters to find her.

F. Alternate Hope/fear – Fear that Peter
is going to hurt Santa Claus. Hope that Mary can find them in time. Fear
because the police don’t believe Mary when they ask for their help. Hope when
Tilly confesses to Mary, so Mary knows where to find Peter and Santa. Fear of what
the NORAD agents, Dash and Donna will do if they find Peter before Mary.

G. Create and pay off emotional setups – Opening, Mary
saves Peter from drowning and Peter breaks down. Ma Jenkins describes Peter as
a war hero who is to be respected. Mary almost accidentally hits Peter with her
car. Peter is seen going around town and helping out neighbors for money since
his snowmobile shop is going under and he has no income. Joseph repeatedly
proposes to Mary and says he loves her, but she doesn’t return the sentiments.
Does she love him? Or does she still love Peter? This is the emotional question
of the movie. Janie gets lost at the parade causing Mary and Peter to be
besides themselves. Once Mary finds Janie, they have an emotional heart to
heart outside the church. The townspeople sing Silent Night.

H. Suspense around the outcome – Mary jumps in
front of the gun on the roof as Dash, the NORAD agent shoots at Peter. She
falls off the roof. Peter and the audience think she was shot. Then Janie when is
lost at the parade, can they find her well? Will Mary take the love of Joseph? Or
will she return to Peter? Will she leave town or stay?

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 4 – SIX KICK-ASS ENDINGS

Lisa’s Kick Ass Endings

What I learned is try on different endings to see what sticks.

1. The Ultimate Confrontation –

Mary dressed as Santa confronts Peter on the roof of a house he’s trying to burglar. Mary appears to get shot when she jumps in front of Peter.

2. Return Home, Only it is Different –

Mary decides to stay in Seneca Falls, only she decides to not marry again, but take over the IAWL festival permanently. Or she does what she’s been fighting against all through the movie and marry Joseph and stay in town.

3. End with a Future –

Mary moves with her daughters to Albany after the festival as planned. She has a new city, a new house…and a new man.

4. Major Layer Uncovered –

Mary has already sold her old Victorian house and bought a new place in Albany. She doesn’t want to run the IAWL festival anymore and gives her blessing to Violet to take over for their mom. Mary decides she’s an independent woman and wants to take her daughters on the adventures she never experienced as a child. She doesn’t end up with either Joseph or Peter. Violet ends up with Joseph and Peter stays with Tilly.

5. Good Guy Wins after Much Pain and Risk –

After divorcing, dealing with Peter’s PTSD, her mom dying, her dad changing after her mom died, and being forced to take over the festival, Mary gets back with Peter, (who is a good guy too) in the end and they live in Seneca Falls happily ever after.

6. Great Protagonist Strategy –

Mary thwarts the ultimate confrontation by being dressed as Santa and switching places with him. And she gets the idea to give Peter the festival money from IAWL. She also convinces Joseph to foot the bill the next year…and it works!

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 3 – HAPPY, TRAGIC, OR IRONIC?

Lisa’s Three Endings

What I learned is to try out different paths for your story to find the best one, especially the ending.

Three Endings for “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

UP ending:

– Beginning of 3rd Act.

The community center and one of the activity points for the IAWL festival catches on fire. Joseph, Mary’s boyfriend saves her daughters and Mary along with other volunteer firefighters, puts out the fire.

– Twists.

Mary hasn’t heard from Peter (her ex-husband) and she’s worried about him. He suffers from PTSD. But it’s not like him to disappear. She goes to the police station to get help, but the police think she’s overreacting. When she says she thinks he’s kidnapped Santa Claus, they laugh at her.

– Twists.

Mary’s father Harry tricks her. He locks her and her sister, Violet into the Women’s Rights Museum among statues of great women until they make up. They are very competitive with each other and are always out of sorts. This time because of Violet’s flirting and dancing with Joseph. They make up and eventually get out of the museum.

– Crisis.

Peter is climbing with Santa on a roof to go down the chimney and steal the presents. But he doesn’t realize that Mary, dressed as Santa, has replaced the real Santa. Mary tries to talk Peter out of it. In the meantime, the two NORAD agents who are looking for Peter and Santa find them on the roof. They’ve confiscated the volunteer ladder truck and are riding up on it to the roof. The agents have their guns drawn. Mary begs them not to shoot Peter. Dash, one of the agents, shoots. Mary jumps in front of Peter and falls off the roof. Peter thinks she’s been shot and surrenders to the agents.

– Climax.

Mary and Peter’s daughter, Janie was lost during the IAWL parade. Santa gets the NORAD agents to let Peter go and question them the next day. Santa tells Peter that he could have left any time because of his magic, but he wanted to help him. Peter is changed. Santa HAS helped him. Mary and Peter hug and Mary kisses him. Mary goes downtown and Peter to the house in case she went there. Mary runs down the street and asks everyone she meets if they’ve seen Janie. Showing how many people care about her and her family. Mary finds Janie in the nativity scene at the church at the end of downtown. Janie and Mary have a heart to heart about leaving town. Peter, along with their other daughter, Ruthie, find Mary and Janie. Mary and Peter fall into each other’s arms and bring in their daughters.

The town has gathered at the church and sing Silent Night. Mary’s sisters and father are there. Joseph pushes his way through the crowd and witnesses the family hugging.

– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

It ends with the town giving Peter the money from the festival to pay his mortgage and save his snowmobile shop. Joseph proposes to Mary one last time, but we don’t hear her reply. Skip to one year later, it’s Christmas and we are back where we started in Mary’s kitchen and see Uncle Billy (the dog). Moving to the living room we see Janie, Ruthie, then Mary. Mary calls to the other room and in comes Peter. Mary didn’t leave town and she got back with Peter, the father of her children.

Mary got her need for love and support, but not her goal to move to a larger place and have new experiences.

DOWN ending: (I don’t feel I can use a down ending for a Christmas movie)

– Beginning of 3rd Act.

Mary finally locates Peter. He says he’s fine and lies to her about Santa. She can relax and work on the festival without worrying about him now.

– Twists.

The community center and one of the activity points for the IAWL festival catches on fire. Joseph, Mary’s boyfriend saves her daughters and Mary along with other volunteer firefighters, puts out the fire.

– Twists.

Mary hasn’t heard from Peter (her ex-husband) and she’s worried about him. He suffers from PTSD. But it’s not like him to disappear. She goes to the police station to get help, but the police think she’s overreacting. When she says she thinks he’s kidnapped Santa Claus, they laugh at her.

– Twists.

Mary’s father Harry tricks her. He locks her and her sister, Violet into the Women’s Rights Museum among statues of great women until they make up. They are very competitive with each other and are always out of sorts. This time because of Violet’s flirting and dancing with Joseph. They make up and eventually get out of the museum.

– Crisis.

Peter is climbing with Santa on a roof to go down the chimney and steal the presents. But he doesn’t realize that Mary, dressed as Santa, has replaced the real Santa. Mary tries to talk Peter out of it. In the meantime, the two NORAD agents who are looking for Peter and Santa find them on the roof. They’ve confiscated the volunteer ladder truck and are riding up on it to the roof. The agents have their guns drawn. Mary begs them not to shoot Peter. Dash, one of the agents, shoots. Mary jumps in front of Peter and falls off the roof. Peter thinks she’s been shot and surrenders to the agents.

– Climax.

Mary and Peter’s daughter, Janie was lost during the IAWL parade. Santa gets the NORAD agents to let Peter go and question them the next day. Santa tells Peter that he could have left any time because of his magic, but he wanted to help him. Peter is changed. Santa HAS helped him. Mary and Peter hug and Mary kisses him. Mary goes downtown and Peter to the house in case she went there. Mary runs down the street and asks everyone she meets if they’ve seen Janie. Showing how many people care about her and her family. Mary finds Janie in the nativity scene at the church at the end of downtown. Janie and Mary have a heart to heart about leaving town. Peter, along with their other daughter, Ruthie, find Mary and Janie. Mary and Peter fall into each other’s arms and bring in their daughters.

The town has gathered at the church and sing Silent Night. Mary’s sisters and father are there. Joseph pushes his way through the crowd and witnesses the family hugging.

– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

Before the town can give Peter the money for his mortgage, he jumps off the George Bailey bridge, but isn’t saved by Mary…or anyone else this time.

Mary, Joseph, the girls, and Mary’s sisters and father lead a procession down main street to the church to bury Peter.

Mary blames herself for Peter’s death because she always took care of him.

Cut to 1 year later, The town gave Mary the money from the IAWL festival, and she bought back the snowmobile shop. She’s running it now and there’s been plenty of snow. Business is booming. Her daughters are helping her out in the shop. No man is around. She’s alone now and raising the girls.

Mary didn’t get her goal of leaving town nor did she get her need for love and support.

IRONIC ending:

– Beginning of 3rd Act.

Mary has told Joseph that she is moving with her daughters after the festival. He is furious that she’s waited so long to tell him.

– Twists.

Mary hasn’t heard from Peter (her ex-husband) and she’s worried about him. He suffers from PTSD. But it’s not like him to disappear. She goes to the police station to get help, but the police think she’s overreacting. When she says she thinks he’s kidnapped Santa Claus, they laugh at her.

– Twists.

Mary’s father Harry tricks her. He locks her and her sister, Violet into the Women’s Rights Museum among statues of great women until they make up. They are very competitive with each other and are always out of sorts. This time because of Violet’s flirting and dancing with Joseph. They make up and eventually get out of the museum.

– Crisis.

Peter is climbing with Santa on a roof to go down the chimney and steal the presents. But he doesn’t realize that Mary, dressed as Santa, has replaced the real Santa. Mary tries to talk Peter out of it. In the meantime, the two NORAD agents who are looking for Peter and Santa find them on the roof. They’ve confiscated the volunteer ladder truck and are riding up on it to the roof. The agents have their guns drawn. Mary begs them not to shoot Peter. Dash, one of the agents, shoots. Mary jumps in front of Peter and falls off the roof. Peter thinks she’s been shot and surrenders to the agents.

– Climax.

Mary and Peter’s daughter, Janie was lost during the IAWL parade. Santa gets the NORAD agents to let Peter go and question them the next day. Santa tells Peter that he could have left any time because of his magic, but he wanted to help him. Peter is changed. Santa HAS helped him. Mary and Peter hug and Mary kisses him. Mary goes downtown and Peter to the house in case she went there. Mary runs down the street and asks everyone she meets if they’ve seen Janie. Showing how many people care about her and her family. Mary finds Janie in the nativity scene at the church at the end of downtown. Janie and Mary have a heart to heart about leaving town. Peter, along with their other daughter, Ruthie, find Mary and Janie. Mary and Peter fall into each other’s arms and bring in their daughters.

The town has gathered at the church and sing Silent Night. Mary’s sisters and father are there. Joseph pushes his way through the crowd and witnesses the family hugging.

– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

It ends with the town giving Peter the money from the festival to pay his mortgage and save his snowmobile shop. Joseph proposes to Mary one last time, but we don’t hear her reply. Skip to one year later, it’s Christmas. We see that Mary is in a new city and townhouse with Uncle Billy, the dog, Janie and Ruthie celebrating Christmas. Then someone comes in the front door. Is it Peter or Joseph or someone new? It is her sisters and father who have come for Christmas day.

Mary got her goal to move to a new and exciting city. She had to leave the only town she’s ever known and both Peter and Joseph behind. She didn’t get her need for love and support…but maybe in the future.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 2 – Structure of the Third Act

Lisa’s Third Act Structure

What I learned is that creating a structure provides the path for the story and dialogue to flow naturally.

1.What is it that fascinates you about this story?

Does a strong woman have to give up her strength to find and be in love?

2. What is the main conflict of the story?

Mary has decided that she’s leaving town for a bigger city to give her daughters a better chance at experiencing a more exciting and diverse life. What Mary wanted for herself growing up.

But can she leave the only place she’s ever known and, in the process, leave behind her father, sisters, ex-husband, and boyfriend to start a new life?

3. What is the main goal/need of your protagonist?

Mary needs love. She takes care of everyone else, but no one takes care of Mary.

4. What is the character arc of your main characters?

Mary keeps rejecting Joseph’s proposals because deep down she may still be in love with her ex-husband, Peter. At the end, will she end up with either of them…or leave town alone? It’s a surprise.

5. How do you want this movie to end?

Before the second to the last scene, it looks like there’s a chance that Peter and Mary will get back together. But Joseph proposes one last time, will she say yes to him, this time? After Joseph asks her, we fade out without knowing her answer.

“One year later” comes on the screen, it’s Christmas again. We are in the kitchen where the movie started and there are baked goods everywhere. We move thru the old Victorian house as It’s a Wonderful Life is on the tv and it’s the scene final scene…we hear Auld Lang Syne. The house is all decorated for Christmas. Then we see Uncle Billy as he barks and runs into the living room. Janie and Ruthie run over to the Christmas tree and shake presents. Mary comes in the room. She has stayed in Seneca Falls. She yells into the dining room, “Are you coming? The girls are going to open 1 present.” Is it Peter or Joseph who enters the room?

B. Give a short description of how each of these structural steps
will occur in your script.

1. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards
its final destination.

Peter kidnaps Santa Claus and brings him to town. Mary is trying to find Peter because she’s afraid he’s going to hurt himself. (At the beginning of the movie, we see a flashback to Mary saving Peter from drowning after he jumps off the George Bailey bridge.)

2. CRISIS — The decision point.

Mary decides to switch places with the real Santa Claus and confront Peter herself.

3. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the
Antagonist to face his biggest fear.

Mary dressed as Santa Claus, tries to talk Peter out of stealing from the town. The NORAD agents shoot at them on the roof of a house that Peter intends to burglar. Mary throws herself in front of Peter and falls off the roof. Was she hit? Peter gives up to the agents because he thinks Mary as been shot. The incompetent NORAD agents missed. And Joseph is in the yard watching. He catches Mary when she falls, and they end up in a snowbank.

Santa convinces the bumbling NORAD agents to let Peter go if he agrees to meet them the next day. They let Peter go. Santa tells Peter that he could have left at any time but stayed to try and help him. He summons the reindeer and takes off.

To push the Climax, Peter and Mary’s daughter Janie is lost at the IAWF parade. They hug. Mary kisses Peter and then they run off to find Janie.

4. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up
loose ends.

Mary runs down Main Street asking everyone she knows if they’ve seen Janie. This also shows how many wonderful people are in the little town and how many know and care about Mary and her family.

Mary goes to the end of the street to the church. The night is clear, and the Christmas star is shining brightly above the church. Mary finds Janie in the nativity scene. Janie laments about not wanting to leave Seneca Falls…and all the reasons to stay.

Peter and Ruthie (their other daughter) find them outside the church and all 4 hug each other tight. The town has found their way down the street to the church. They start to sing, Silent Night. Violet and Tilly, Mary’s sisters show up. Followed by their father, Harry. Then Joseph pushes through the crowd in time to see the family hugging.

The next day, Christmas Day, Peter goes to see the NORAD agents at the hotel. As he comes out to the street afterwards, the whole town is there. They tell Peter that they have used the money from the festival to pay off his mortgage and save his shop from foreclosure. One by one people tell how much Peter means to them. Joseph has agreed to finance next year’s festival.

Later, at Mary’s old Victorian house there is a party of people there including Peter and Mary’s sisters, father, and Mary’s best friend, Annie. Joseph and Mary go out onto the porch. Joseph proposes for the last time. Freeze frame on Mary’s face.

5. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.

“One year later” comes on the screen, it’s Christmas again. We are in the kitchen where the movie started and there are baked goods everywhere. We move thru the old Victorian house as It’s a Wonderful Life is on the tv and it’s the final scene. We hear Auld Lang Syne coming from the tv. The house is decorated for Christmas. Then we see Uncle Billy as he barks and runs into the living room. Janie and Ruthie run over to the Christmas tree and shake presents. Mary comes in the room. We know she has stayed in Seneca Falls. She yells into the dining room, “Are you coming? The girls are going to open their presents.” Peter enters the room and kisses Mary. Surprise! Uncle Billy runs around their feet barking as the girls start opening presents. We pull out of Mary’s house and into the snowy street. A shot going down the highly decorated Main Street and ends at the George Bailey Bridge.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 1 Writing Great Endings

Lisa’s Great Ending

WHAT I LEARNED: is that every scene is basically a set up and should move the story along.

MOVIE: “IT’S COMPLICATED”

BASIC STORY UP TO THE 3RD ACT: Jane is divorced from Jake. She is working with an architect, Adam, to re-design her house. She goes to NYC to her son’s graduation from college and sleeps with her ex-husband who is married. They are sneaking around behind the kids’ backs, but Harley the son-in-law sees them and puts two and two together. Jane dates her architect too.

3rd ACT POINTS:

3rd ACT TURNING POINT: At her son’s graduation party, Jane takes Adam, her architect. Her ex-husband, Jake is jealous and his wife, Agnes notices it.

TWIST: Adam wants chocolate croissants; Jane makes them for him at her bakery and they have an incredible time. Adam asks if she’s seeing anyone, Jane says she was but isn’t anymore. They kiss.

TWIST: Jake revels in Jane’s cooking. Jane berates Jake and says she thinks Agnes threw him out. “What’s the difference” he says…so he lied. Jake is there when Adam calls Jane. Jake makes popcorn and has movie night with Jane and the kids…like old times. Kids reminiscence about their childhood and how Jane and Jake weren’t lovey-dovey.

CRISIS: Jake turns up in Jane’s driveway and says he left Agnes. He confessed to her about their affair. Jane is not happy. The kids ask Jane to let him stay. Jake cries and the kids cry, and Jane caves under the pressure. Jake revels in Jane’s cooking. Jane berates Jake and says she thinks Agnes threw him out. “What’s the difference” he says…so he lied. Jake is there when Adam calls Jane. Jake makes popcorn and has movie night with Jane and the kids…like old times. Kids reminiscence about their childhood and how Jane and Jake weren’t lovey-dovey.

CLIMAX: Janie is in her room talking to Adam via the computer. She’s helping him sort clothes. Janie goes to the bathroom and Jake comes in and gets naked on the bed. He moves the computer so it’s in front of his private parts. Adam comes back to his computer and sees it! Jane comes out of the bathroom and screams! The kids come running in. They want to know what’s happening. Adam listens as Jake explains that he left Agnes for Jane and he never stopped loving her. Adam clicks off when Jake says “I hope she’ll take me back”. Kids say they’re still getting over the divorce. Kids ask if they’re getting back together. Jane says they’re not. Kids leave. Jake leaves. Jane sleeps by the pool.

RESOLUTION: Jane explains to the kids that maybe she and Jake had unfinished business after the divorce. Kids say it’s bonkers for two people who couldn’t be in the same room for years to have an affair. Jane says she did it for herself and Jake. But found out that they really don’t fit. And it’s over.

Jane goes to see Adam to apologize. He says he can’t see her anymore because he thinks her relationship with jake isn’t done and needs to be resolved. He was thinking of another architect to step in to complete her house. She says, “I hope you don’t”.

Jake comes to Jane’s house. Jake apologizes for everything. They decide they both made a mistake…too much time has passed and too much has happened. “It was complicated”. Jane cries. Jake doesn’t regret it. Jane doesn’t regret it either.

FINAL SCENE: It’s raining buckets. There is a tent in Jane’s front yard. Jane comes out to the tent. The workers part and there is Adam. It’s good luck to start in the rain. Jane offers everyone coffee in her house. Adam asks Jane if she has any of those amazing chocolate croissants. She’ll go into town and get some.

SETUPS IN FIRST TWO ACTS:

OPEN: Shots of Santa Barbara. A party on a lawn overlooking the ocean. See Jane and Jake clinking glasses with another couple. Celebrating the other couple’s anniversary. It appears that Jane and Jake are a couple talking about a trip they made. But then Agnes and her body come over. See Jane’s face of slight distain. Jane says she’ll see Jake and Agnes in NYC. We realize Jake is with Agnes a much younger woman. Awkwardness. It’s been ten years since their divorce.

SETUP: Kids ask if she’s afraid to sleep in the house alone. We know she’s by herself. Remarks are made by the kids about Jane and Jake being at the same party and how strange it must have been. We see her in her house alone.

SETUP: Jane’s bakery is a thriving business. Jane is the boss lady. Jane meets Adam over plans for her house renovation. She compliments Peter on each design aspect and Peter says it’s all Adam. She doesn’t want his and hers sinks. Adam asks if she won’t want one later. Jane says the other sink makes her feel bad.

SETUP: Jane goes to see a plastic surgeon to see about lifting her eyelids. We know she’s insecure about getting older. But runs out when she finds out how they do it. She meets Jake, Agnes, and Pedro in the elevator. She holds up her eyelid showing her insecurity. Jake has a fertility booklet.

SETUP: Jane has dinner with her friends. We find out that Pedro is not Jake’s kid. Agnes had left him, had Pedro, and came back. Tell Jane she has to date someone, anyone.

SETUP: NYC. Kids run off leaving Jane alone. Jane goes to hotel bar and sees Jake is there eating alone too because Pedro got sick. It’s been 10 years since they had a meal together. They talk about him having a baby at his age. They laugh, reminisce, dance, flirt, drink, have fun and end up in bed.

SETUP: Jane forgets she has a meeting with Adam. He drives by and picks up Jane and is playing a how to cope with divorce tape in the car. Jane gives him advice on how to be divorced. They work on the architectural plans for the house. Jake arrives. Jane introduces Jake and Adam. Jake gets upset because Jane won’t return his calls. Jane feels guilty. Jake doesn’t. Jake makes a case for having the affair. They sleep together again.

SETUP: Jane talking to her girlfriends. They say it’s genius. And wrong. They say Jane’s never done anything bad or wrong ever.

SETUP: Jane forgets her meeting with Adam again. Jake calls and Jane ignores it.

SETUP: Jake tries to call Jane in the bathroom. Pedro interrogates Jake about what he was doing. Jane and Adam have a date. Adam explains that his wife cheated on him with his best friend. Jake spies on them…jealous. Jane lies to Adam and says she doesn’t have a man in her life.

SETUP: Jake says Jane always says no before she says yes. Jake explains that his marriage is not how he hoped. They fight all the time, and she wants a bigger house and help, and she wants a baby. He wants to cut back. Jake is stressed. Jake has a joint that he leaves for Jane to smoke with him later. Jake says the nerdy architect likes you. Jane’s phone rings and it’s the kids. Jake’s phone rings and it’s the kids. They are lying to the kids.

SETUP: Jane waits outside her shrink’s office and begs to see him. Jane asks if her affair is good or bad. Shrink says it’s neither. Jane has a list of what the affair is about. She mentions that she’s been in therapy for 8 years. She wants the shrink to tell her what to do. Shrink says to “let go, it can’t hurt”.

SETUP: Jake is at the fertility clinic. Jane calls him for “lunch”. Harley, their son-in-law sees them sneaking around a hotel. Jake gets dizzy and passes out. Doctor comes to the hotel and Harley hears that the doctor is for Jake. They are comfortable with each other. Jane finds out that Jake is also sleeping with his wife.

SETUP: Adam asks Jane out to a movie, but Jake says he can see her. Jane turns down Adam. Jane goes all out making Jake’s favorite meal and she bought a new dress, but Jake can’t get away. Jane is stood up.

SETUP: Jane announces in front of everyone that she’s bringing a date to her son’s graduation party. Jake tells Jane he couldn’t get away. Jane says she doesn’t want to do it anymore. It was humiliating. The untruths mount up.

SETUP: Jane smokes the joint and is eating a big piece of cake when Adam arrives for his date. As a PAYOFF, Adam gives her an appointment book. She accidentally kisses him. Jane and Adam smoke the joint that she was supposed to smoke with Jake.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 10 Applying Advanced Dialogue to Your Script

Lisa’s Kick Ass Dialogue!

What I learned is that there are many ways to work on improving dialogue.

Scene from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

Name: MARY WINTERS

Character Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven, Evasive

Name: PETER WINTERS

Character Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate, Manipulative

Set up: This scene is after the climax. Peter, Mary’s ex-husband has just been captured by US government NORAD agents for kidnapping Santa Claus. Mary dressed as Santa Claus switched with the real Santa and thwarted Peter’s plan to steal presents from families. Everyone is in the front yard of the house that was to be burgled. The real Santa Claus has just taken a ride on a firetruck for the It’s a Wonderful Life parade, replacing Mary who was supposed to do it. Later, the real Santa comes running up to the group.

EXT-YARD-NIGHT

DONNA and DASH, US agents, have PETER WINTERS handcuffed and leaning against their government issued car. JOSEPH BISHOP, Mary’s boyfriend, is present to support Mary. MARY WINTERS (dressed as Santa) is Peter’s ex-wife who is trying to convince the agents to let him go.

MARY

He didn’t go through with it! Santa ran off. There’s no one to press charges.

(DIRECT PREDICTION)

DONNA

Ma’am, he has to answer to NORAD.

(IMPLY CONSEQUENCES)

MARY

But Peter used to be an agent with NORAD. Can’t you let one of your own go?

(SHIELD FROM CONSEQUENCES IN ADVANCE)

DASH

(to Peter)

Well, well. A fellow agent, huh?

(IMPLICATION)

DONNA

That doesn’t change the fact that he kidnapped Santa Claus. (rhyming) We have to follow LAWS, when it comes to Santa CLAUS.

(POETIC)

Dash laughs without thinking. Donna gives him a stare and he clams up.

MARY

If you don’t let him go, I’ll…I don’t know what I’ll do…I’ll call your boss!

(THREATEN THEM)

PETER

Mary. Stop. Don’t bother. They have to take me in.

(IMPLY HOPELESSNESS)

MARY

There must be someway…

(INDIRECT PREDICTIOIN)

Santa Claus comes jogging up.

SANTA

Ho! Ho! Ho!

DONNA

(excited)

Santa!

(INAPPROPRIATE REACTION)

SANTA

My dear Donna, so good to see you again. Dash, you still have that coal I gave you?

(IMPLICATION)

DASH

(embarrassed)

Hey Santa.

DONNA

(to Dash)

He remembers us!

Mary jogs over to Santa.

MARY

Santa, you must save Peter? They’re going to arrest him.

(WARNING)

SANTA

Don’t worry, Mary.

Santa goes to Donna and Dash and pulls them aside.

MARY

(to Peter)

Santa will get you out of this.

(DIRECT PREDICTION)

PETER

It’s none of your concern, Mar.

(WARNING)

MARY

Of course, it is! I was on that roof with you.

(METAPHOR)

JOSEPH

Mary, maybe he doesn’t want your help.

(CONFRONT SOMEONE HIDING FROM A FUTURE CONSEQUENCE)

MARY

Stay out of this, Joe!

(ATTACK BACK)

JOSEPH

Right.

(SARCASIM)

Santa, Donna, and Dash come back over.

SANTA

Peter, I explained that I was just helping you out. You didn’t kidnap me.

(PREVIOUS ACTION INCONGRUENT WITH WORDS)

Santa laughs heartily.

PETER

What?

SANTA

I explained that I was helping out a friend. I was counseling you by showing you what NOT to do.

(STRANGE CONCLUSION)

DASH

Yeah, that sounds suspicious.

(INSINUATION)

DONNA

Dash! You don’t question Santa’s honesty.

(ATTACK BACK)

Dash rolls his eyes.

SANTA

Peter, you are a courageous man who saved many lives. You deserve a break. I have convinced these kind agents to question you for their report and then let you go.

Santa holds out his arms and does a spin.

(CHARACTER TRAIT REVEAL – HOLDS OUT ARMS AND SPINS TO SHOW JOY)

PETER

Thank you, Santa.

Peter hugs Santa.

SANTA

(whispering in Peter’s ear)

The lady agent is rather smitten with me. Remember that the purpose of our lives is to bring joy to others.

(COMPLIMENT; POETIC)

Santa guffaws.

MARY

Oh! Thank you, Santa!

Mary hugs Santa too.

SANTA

Well…you’re welcome. Now. I must go. I have a remarkably busy schedule and I’m afraid I’m behind.

(HINT & COUNTDOWN)

Santa waves his arms and closes his eyes while repeating: Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen…

Suddenly, the soft jungle of bells can be heard in the distance.

When what should appear, but Santa’s sleigh led by Rudolph!

(TAKE IT TO THE EXTREME)

SANTA

Ho! Ho! Ho! Hello!

The reindeer and sleigh land in the snow.

PETER

Santa! You could have left at any time! Why did you stay with me?

SANTA

Peter, I’ve been trying to get through to you since you were a boy. And certainly, when you worked at the North Pole. You needed my help. I wasn’t in any danger. You have a big heart, Peter. Don’t forget to show it every day!

(CHALLENGE ISSUED)

Santa climbs up. As he snaps the reins, the reindeer start running and the sleigh takes flight!

SANTA

Merry Christmas to all!!

DONNA

Bye, Santa!!

Donna screams as though she saw a rock star.

(INAPPROPRIATE REACTION)

MARY

(to Peter)

What did he whisper in your ear?

PETER

(looking at the sky)

The purpose of our lives is to bring joy to others. Strangely, that made me feel like a Santa myself. (to Mary) Santa.

(EXPRESSION OF CHARACTER & ARC)

Because Mary is dressed as Santa. Mary and Peter smile at each other.

ANNIE LEE, Mary’s best friend, comes running up with VIOLET MILLS, Mary’s sister, TILLY MILLS, Mary’s sister, and RUTHIE WINTERS, Mary’s daughter, in tow. They just missed Santa Claus. Annie was watching Mary’s daughters during the It’s a Wonderful Life parade.

ANNIE

Mary! Mary! Peter!

MARY

Annie, What’s wrong?!

ANNIE

(breathing heavily)

I can’t find Janie! OMG!

VIOLET

(panicky)

She was with us at the parade and then poof! She was gone.

PETER

(to Donna and Dash)

Let me go! I have to find my daughter!!

DONNA

Hold on! We have to do our report.

MARY

Annie, you were supposed to watch her!

(ATTACK)

ANNIE

(crying)

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry!

(IMPLY HOPELESSNESS)

MARY

Where was she last?

TILLY

She was with us in front of the library.

MARY

Ruthie, did you see which way she went?

RUTHIE

(sadly)

No mommy, I was watching the parade.

JOSEPH

We need to split up and spread out.

VIOLET

We’re wasting time!

JOSEPH

Violet, you go south down the street toward the community center. I’ll check on and around the bridge area. Ruthie, you go with Tilly to where you were standing, maybe she went back there.

(CHARACTER TRAIT REVEALED – A BOSS MAN)

VIOLET

Okay.

They all run off.

MARY

(to the agents)

Please!! Untie Peter! It’s his child!

(WRITE EMOTIONALLY)

DONNA

(to Peter)

Do you promise to come to the Clarence hotel at 10am tomorrow and give us your statement so we can do our report?

(IMPLY CONSEQUENCE)

PETER

I promise!

MARY

Thank you! He will be there!

(COUNTDOWN)

DONNA

Dash, remove the handcuffs.

DASH

But Donna…

DONNA

You heard Santa! (calming) We’ll just fill out the SC52 form temporarily.

(JARGON)

DASH

They’re not going to like this…but okay.

(CONTRADICTORY STATEMENT)

Dash uncuffs Peter.

Peter and Mary hug.

PETER

I’ll go home to see if she’s there.

MARY

I’m going to search Main Street.

Mary starts to run off.

PETER

Mary!

Mary turns around and runs into Peter’s arms. She lays a big kiss on him.

PETER (CONTINUED)

(stunned)

Thank you! For everything…

Mary shakes her head yes. There’s a moment when they stare into each other’s eyes. Then reality sets in. Mary and Peter run off in different directions.

(WRITE EMOTIONALLY)

DASH

(teasing)

What happened to “We have to follow LAWS, when it comes to Santa CLAUS.”?

(CIRCULAR DIALOGUE)

DONNA

We are following Santa’s laws.

(JUSTIFICATION)

Donna smiles. Dash smiles.

DONNA

Come on, I’ll buy you a beer at Martini’s.

(STRANGE CONCLUSION)

Donna and Dash get into the car and slowly drive off. Donna can be heard singing “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. (CHARACTER TRAIT—SINGING CHRISTMAS SONGS)

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 9 Creating Colorful Dialogue

Lisa’s Colorful Dialogue

What I learned is that it is difficult to make each piece of dialogue unique and special.

Scene from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

INT-CAR-DAY

DASH and DONNA, US Government officials chasing kidnapped Santa Claus, are in a line of cars at the Canadian-US border crossing. Donna is driving. And they are singing at the top of their lungs…

DONNA AND DASH IN UNISON

Up on the housetop reindeer pause,

Out jumps dear old Santa Claus.

Down thru the chimney with lots of toys

All for the little ones, Christmas joys.

DONNA

I can’t imagine Christmas without Santa this year. We need him these days. He is so kind and he can create miracles!

DASH

You sure know a lot about Santa Claus.

DONNA

Santa can see all of the people around the world, and he makes children happy year after year. That’s awesomely special.

DASH

Yeah, he’s cool.

DONNA

Cool? (rhyming) Santa Claus, isn’t the Wizard of OZ! He has to follow laws…like us!

DASH

We’re like Santa Claus?

DONNA

Yes, in our own way. In the fact that we have to follow the us government laws and he has the Christmas laws which he lives by. And we help people too.

DASH

(looking puzzled)

Christmas laws?

DONNA

Anyway, what we got there?

DASH

(looking at his iPad)

Look! They are really booking it now.

DONNA

They had to ditch the snowmobiles by now.

DASH

(sarcastically)

Duh! Snowmobiles don’t usually run well on roads, Mensa.

DONNA

I know that, but they probably had a car waiting somewhere.

DASH

Nah, They’re moving at the speed of light.

DONNA

Okay, Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

DASH

They must be on a train! Maybe we can catch the train?

DONNA

OMG! We can’t catch a train. What are we going to catch it with? A big net?

DASH

No! But maybe we can get there first.

DONNA

We won’t get anywhere unless we keep moving! (yelling out the window) Come on!!

Dash looks at his iPod.

DASH

Hey. The signal has stopped. It looks like they’re in Seneca Falls, New York!

Donna pulls out of line and speeds up to the border crossing. CANADIAN BORDER GUARDS stop them.

DONNA

We are with the US government, and we are on a mission!

BORDER GUARD #1

What kind of mission?

DASH

(hysterical)

It’s a matter of life and death!

BORDER GUARD #1

(to Donna)

Is he alright? Do you have identification?

Donna hands over her driver’s license and her NORAD badge.

BORDER GUARD #1 (CONTINUED)

NORAD, eh? What are you doing? Chasing Santa Claus?

Border Guard #1 laughs. BORDER GUARD #2 is standing on the passenger side of the car and he laughs too.

DONNA

As a matter of fact,

BORDER GUARD #2

(mockingly)

Hey! Look at us! We are chasing Santa Claus! Let us through!

The Border Guards laugh hysterically.

DASH

It’s true! Now let us through!

BORDER GUARD #1

(mockingly)

Let us through! Santa Claus we’re coming for you!

BORDER GUARD #2

(to Guard #1, drawing it out)

Sooooo, what are we going to do?

BORDER GUARD #1

Well, we wouldn’t want to hold up Christmas!

The Border Guards laugh harder.

BORDER GUARD #1 (CONTINUED)

Go on. Get out of here!

Border Guard #1 hands Donna’s documents back to her. Donna speeds off and they are heard picking up their song where they left off…

DONNA AND DASH

Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn’t go!

Ho, ho ,ho! Who wouldn’t go!

Up on the housetop, click, click, click,

Down thru the chimney with good Saint Nick.

The Border Guards mimic a Santa sleigh ride.

BORDER GUARDS in UNISON

We’re coming Santa Claus!

The Border Guards stop and look after the car for a moment.

BORDER GUARD #2

Maybe we should have checked out the guy?

BORDER GUARD #1

Maybe we should have called in their IDs?

The Border Guards stare at each other, then they run to the Guard House to hide for a while.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

Day 8 Subtext Pointers from You’ve Got Mail

Lisa’s Subtext Pointers 2

What I learned is layering subtext is the most important aspect of dialogue writing.

Scene from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

Set up: Peter Winters and Tilly Mills, boyfriend & girlfriend and (protagonist) Mary Winter’s ex-husband and little sister, have kidnapped Santa Claus from the North Pole and returned to Seneca Falls, NY. Peter has kidnapped Santa to help him steal presents from families while they are attending the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival. He has a guy who will fence the goods and give him the money to save his shop. Note: at the end of the scene Peter and Tilly suit up as Santa too so they can blend in with the 5k runners who dress as Santa every year and run through downtown.

EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of Seneca Falls, NY, PETER WINTERS unlocks the door of his snowmobile shop. He, SANTA CLAUS, and TILLY MILLS go inside.

PETER (pointing)

Get to the shop…in the back.

Santa obeys and goes into the shop in the back of the store. Tilly and Peter follow. Peter shuts the door to the shop and locks it.

TILLY

Here Santa. You can sit here.

Tilly moves some old work clothes from a chair. Santa standing in the middle of the shop, looks around.

SANTA

You have quite the set up here, Peter. And I know a thing about workshops!

Santa lets out a big belly laugh. He has tickled himself.

PETER

It used to be quite the set up.

TILLY

We haven’t seen snow in 3 years. (whispering to Santa) It’s a touchy subject.

SANTA (CONTINUED)

No, no, I can see this shop will be humming along again in no time.

PETER

Oh, you can see, huh? And how do you know that?

SANTA

Peter, every workshop goes through trials and tribulations. Not unlike a certain carpenter that I’ve heard of. Not everything goes smoothly in one’s life. Sometimes you work hard, and nothing becomes of it. But then you succeed and get to open a fine establishment like this one. Then poof, something you rely on for your business isn’t there. And you go through another hard time. (pause) The good news is that the thing you rely on may be temporarily gone, but YOU, YOU stand steady in your belief that the world will get better, and that thing will reappear. (with excitement) Like magic!

Santa holds out his arms and spins around looking at the “heavens”. Peter notices a side bulge on Santa’s belt.

PETER

What’s that?!

Santa quickly throws his arms down.

PETER (CONTINUED)

Let me see!

Peter lifts up Santa’s belt to find a small device hooked to it. Peter can barely speak.

PETER

(breathing heavily)

Is this a tracking device?!!

SANTA

Uh…yes.

Peter snatches it off of Santa’s belt and takes it over to his work bench. Peter grabs a hammer and smashes it to bits.

PETER

(pacing)

I should have known.

Peter hits himself in the head repeatedly with his fist.

TILLY

Peter, stop it!

Tilly grabs his arm.

TILLY (CONTINUED)

Stop it!!

Peter throws Santa down into the chair and paces in front of him.

PETER

Tell me now how you do it!

SANTA

Do what?!

PETER

Get down the chimneys!

SANTA

I can’t!

PETER

(intensely)

Tell me now and I’ll let you go.

SANTA

(distressed)

I can’t tell you!

Peter draws back his fist. Tilly jumps on him.

TILLY

NO! I won’t let you hurt Santa!

Peter paces again then gets really close to Santa’s face.

PETER

Tell me how you do it.

SANTA

(starting to cry)

I can’t tell you.

PETER

You’re Santa, aren’t you supposed to be honest?

SANTA

(through tears)

I don’t think that’s one of the requirements.

Santa gains composure and strength and stands up.

SANTA (CONTINUED)

You, sir, are no carpenter!

TILLY

That’s right! You are not Jesus!

Peter looking perplexed.

PETER

Of course, I’m not Jesus! But I am a carpenter! Look around old man.

Santa places his head in his hands and takes a big, deep breath.

SANTA

(calmly)

Peter, there will be snow again. I know it. Then your business will rise again.

Peter goes over to the workshop counter and gives Santa the letter that says he has until Christmas day to pay his back mortgage or lose the shop.

Santa reads. Then Santa begins to pace back and forth.

SANTA

Hmmm.

Santa stares at Peter for a moment.

SANTA (CONTINUED)

Here’s what I’ll do. Instead of helping you to steal from every family in Seneca Falls. I will help you take the presents from 3 houses. How’s that?

PETER

It won’t cover the mortgage.

SANTA

(wincing)

Okay. We’ll play it by ear.

Peter goes into another room at the back of the store for a second. Santa whispers to Tilly quickly.

SANTA (CONTINUED)

I can replace the gifts, don’t worry.

Santa winks at Tilly. Tilly smiles.

Peter comes back with Santa suits in his hand. He throws one at Tilly.

PETER

What are you smiling at?

TILLY

Nothing.

PETER

Get suited up. We have to get across town.

Peter and Tilly put on the Santa suits.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 7 Dialogue Cover Ups

Lisa’s Cover-ups

What I learned is laying out the possibilities for big character questions it allows you to pick the best response.

Short scene with cover up

INT-BEDROOM-NIGHT

Ruthie and Janie are in twin beds. Mary on the end of Janie’s bed concludes her nighttime reading.

MARY

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Ruthie yawns but is still awake. Janie has drifted off to sleep. Mary kisses Janie on the head and goes over to Ruthie to do the same.

RUTHIE

Mom, will Aunt Tilly marry daddy?

MARY (taken aback)

Oh!

Mary sits on Ruthie’s bed.

MARY (CONTINUED)

I don’t think so, baby. (pause) Your Aunt Tilly likes to fix people.

RUTHIE

Is daddy broken?

HOW WILL MARY ANSWER?

– Silence: Mary says goodnight and leaves without talking about daddy.
– Action incongruent with words. Sweetly kisses Ruthie on the head and covers her up while saying she’d like to kill daddy for what he’s done to this family.
– Change subject. We have a big day tomorrow!
– Question them. Do you think daddy’s broken?
– Attack back. No! Why would you say that?
– Complement them. You’re so intuitive and smart.
– Threaten them Don’t you ever say that again!
– Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not. Daddy’s not broken, but he is lost.
– Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a
different direction. Daddy is coming on Christmas day!
– Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event. He sure is! Ever since he came back from the war, he’s spiraled out of control!
– Distraction. Are you excited about dressing up as a Bailey kid for the festival?
– Make a joke of it. He’s not made of glass!
– Continue the conversation as if nothing happened. He is fine. No worries.

Short scene with cover up – COMPLETED

INT-BEDROOM-NIGHT

Ruthie and Janie are in twin beds. Mary on the end of Janie’s bed concludes her nighttime reading.

MARY

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Ruthie yawns but is still awake. Janie has drifted off to sleep. Mary kisses Janie on the head and goes over to Ruthie to do the same.

RUTHIE

Mom, will Aunt Tilly marry daddy?

MARY (taken aback)

Oh!

Mary sits on Ruthie’s bed.

MARY (CONTINUED)

I don’t think so, baby. (pause) Your Aunt Tilly likes to fix people.

RUTHIE

Is daddy broken?

MARY

Daddy’s not broken, but he is lost. Aunt Tilly is trying to help him… (pausing)

RUTHIE

…Find his way home?

MARY

We shall see. Good night, my sweet girl.

Mary kisses Ruthie on the head. Ruthie closes her eyes. Mary goes to the bedroom door. She pauses and looks back at the girls as she turns out the lights and pulls the door ajar.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 6 Dialogue Structures

Lisa’s Dialogue Structures

What I learned is adding the dialogue structures keeps the scene moving and keeps the audience engaged.

Scene from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

FADE UP on the outside of a beautiful rustic building. The sign on the outside says, “Seneca Falls Winery”. MARY WINTERS drives up in her mini-van and goes inside the main entrance.

CUT TO

INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary walks into the office, takes off her jacket and puts down her purse on her desk. ANNIE LEE, a married 34-year-old, and Mary’s best friend since elementary school is at another desk.

ANNIE

Hey there, best friend.

MARY

Hi.

ANNIE

You look unhappy.

MARY

I ran into Peter on the way to school, literally. I almost ran him over.

ANNIE

Wow.

MARY

At least the girls got to see their dad for a few minutes. I swear he can’t do anything right. (pause) I feel sorry for him.

ANNIE

I know. But it’s hard times for everyone. Without any snow there’s not much of a call for a snowmobile mechanic.

MARY

Well, you know what? My dad always says he would have dug ditches if he had to in order to support his family.

ANNIE

Peter isn’t your dad, is he? Here are the latest invoices.

Annie walks over to Mary and hands her the invoices.

MARY

Thanks.

Mary looks over her shoulder.

ANNIE

I can’t figure out the math. Did you change the form?

MARY

Yes. I re-formatted the form. It makes more sense this way with the important numbers at the top.

ANNIE

It confused me. Wish you had told me about it.

MARY

Making changes is a part of progress. We have to make changes to keep up with the times.

Mary is silent for a minute.

MARY (CONTINUED)

You know, Peter is not my dad, but he is a war hero, and you’d think someone in town would give him a break. (sighs) I don’t want to bring my personal life into work. Let’s not talk about Peter for the rest of the day.

ANNIE

So, let’s talk about Joe instead.

MARY

No thanks! I have to talk to you about the festival.

ANNIE

Of course. How can I help? (sarcastically) You making changes to it too?

MARY

Yes, as a matter of fact. I can’t run the festival and play Mary Bailey. I’m going to suggest you play Mary Bailey this year.

ANNIE

Come on, Mary. I don’t think the town is ready for me to play Mary Bailey. You know how important this is to them. If you haven’t noticed, I’m Asian American.

MARY

I hadn’t noticed. You’ll be great. Once you put on the clothes, you’ll BE Mary Bailey! I have decided to promote you for the part at the festival meeting tonight. Don’t fight me on this, Annie!

ANNIE

Okay. Let’s see what happens tonight.

Annie laughs at the thought.

Enter JOSEPH BISHOP, a 40-ish businessman who owns and operates the winery even though he’s a recovering alcoholic. He wants to marry Mary and settle down once and for all.

JOSEPH

Good morning, ladies. How are you this fine morning?

MARY

Good, thanks.

ANNIE

Great Joe. How are you?

JOSEPH (focusing on Mary)

Terrific! Mary, how was your evening?

MARY

Fine.

JOSEPH

Do you have plans tonight after the festival meeting?

MARY

Um. Yes. I have to help my girls with their homework.

JOSEPH

How about I bring over dinner and I can help?

MARY

I’m not sure if the girls are ready for that.

ANNIE

The girls, or you?

Mary gives Annie a dirty look as if to say, ‘stay out of it’. Annie changes the subject.

ANNIE (CONTINUED)

Mary just told me she’s going to put my hat in the ring to replace her as Mary Bailey!

JOSEPH

What?! Mary, may I speak with you outside?

Mary squirms but gets up and leaves with Joseph. Annie and Mary give each other ‘what’s up with him’ looks.

CUT TO

EXT-WINERY-DAY

Outside the building, Joseph stands close to Mary.

MARY

Look, Joe. I want to talk to you too. I appreciate your ongoing interest in me, but this isn’t a good time. My girls are missing having their dad around, and it being Christmas time and all…

JOSEPH (cutting her off)

I can’t believe you’re not going to play Mary to my George! I can’t do it without you.

MARY

Listen, I need to ask you something.

JOSEPH

It’s very disappointing.

MARY

Peter is struggling to meet his obligations.

JOSEPH

We played the parts together last year and we were the toast of the town! You know the character.

MARY

And because of his struggles, I’m struggling too.

JOSEPH (sadly)

I don’t think I can play George this year.

MARY

I’m not sure of the solution…

JOSEPH

I’ll play someone else. Maybe Harry.

MARY

Joe! (grabbing his face) Focus on me. I’m trying to ask you for help.

JOSEPH

Mary, we’ve been going on and off for a couple of years now and I have to say that I really, really like you. In fact, I more than like you.

MARY (offput)

I…I…I really like you too. I’m not ready to get serious though. (whispering) After all you are my boss.

JOSEPH (whispering back)

I know.

MARY

It’s not right.

Mary turns away.

JOSEPH

As your boss, I’ll be the judge of that. I do own the company after all.

Joseph comes around in front of Mary and leans in for a kiss. Mary backs up.

MARY

No, I’m sorry. I have to ask you something and it’s awkward for me.

JOSEPH (concerned)

What is it?

MARY

Well, Peter is struggling with his obligations and that causes me to struggle…

JOSEPH (taking over)

Not to worry, I will take care of you and the girls.

MARY

No! That’s not what I meant.

JOSEPH (thinking)

How about a raise? Yes! I will give you a raise for your hard work around here, ok?

MARY (surprised)

Okay. (smiling) Thank you so much.

JOSEPH

That’s what I like to see. That beautiful smile.

Joseph hugs Mary. Mary closes her eyes and enjoys it for a moment.

JOSEPH (CONTINUED)

Okay, back to work!

Mary and Joseph laugh and walk back into the winery.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 5 Anticipatory Dialogue

Lisa’s Anticipatory Dialogue

What I learned is that by incorporating as many of the 11 forms of anticipatory dialogue as possible, the character’s dialogue has somewhere to go…a purpose.

Scene from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

INT-MARY’S KITCHEN-DAY

Christmas pies, cakes, cookies, candy and more for the IAWL festival cover every surface of Mary’s kitchen. She has just prepared breakfast and is clearing a spot on the table to put it for her daughters. Mary stops and looks at her mother’s photo on the wall over the table. Mary’s mother died early in the year. RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Uncle Billy, their dachshund barks at them as though he’s singing along. Ruthie has her laptop under her arm.

MARY

(smiling) That is not how the song goes.

RUTHIE

Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!

JANIE

Yeah!

Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.

MARY

Okay, if you day so.

The girls take their seats and Mary places their breakfasts of toast and eggs on the table. Uncle Billy sits and stares at them while they eat.

MARY(CONTINUED)

No computers at the table, Ruthie.

RUTHIE

I know, but it’s not working right. I can’t find Santa on the site.

MARY

I’ll take a look at it. You eat.

Mary opens the laptop and sees Ruthie was on the NORAD site. Mary sees a message on the top of the site that states Santa may be delayed in departing the North Pole. This is very odd because the site always starts Santa’s voyage on the 23^rd of December, today.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Hmm. This is strange. I don’t think it’s the computer.

Mary doesn’t want to worry the girls about it.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Let’s give it another day and we’ll see if Santa starts his journey tomorrow.

RUTHIE

(disappointed) Okay, mom.

MARY

That reminds me. (looking at her phone) I need to call your father to see if he’s coming over for Christmas.

Mary puts her phone down and gets serious.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your dad for Christmas.

RUTHIE

What do you mean?

JANIE

(getting anxious) He’s coming, isn’t he?

MARY

Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. He’s been unpredictable lately. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.

Janie hangs her head and Ruthie has a mad look come over her face.

MARY (CONTINUED)

BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Joseph!

RUTHIE

(half-heartedly) Sure.

JANIE

It’s not the same without daddy.

They sit in silence. Mary’s not sure what to say next.

MARY

You like Joe, don’t you?

RUTHIE

He’s nice.

Janie shakes her head yes.

MARY (CONTINUED)

Then we are going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. Don’t you think your grandmother would agree with that?

Mary looks at the photo of her mother on the wall. The girls look at it too.

MARY (CONTINUED)

She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”

Mary clears the dishes. Janie goes over to Ruthie and sits in her seat with her. Mary looks at their sad faces and has to turn those frowns upside down.

MARY

So! I think I have two hours to spare today when I don’t have to work on the festival. What would you like to do?

JANIE AND RUTHIE

Ice skating!!

MARY

Well, I don’t know if you want to go with me. You know I was pretty good when I was your ages, young ladies.

JANIE

Please!!

RUTHIE

Come on, mom!

MARY

I did promise Annie I’d meet up with her. I guess we can meet at the pond.

Janie and Ruthie stare with anticipation. Mary takes an extra beat to make them wait. She likes the attention from them!

MARY (CONTINUED)

Okay! But I think we must have a race across the pond to see who is the fastest. Are you interested?

JANIE

Sure am!

RUTHIE

I’m going to beat you both! HA! HA!

They race around the table while Uncle Billy jumps up and barks at them.

MARY

Alright! Go up stairs and get ready.

Ruthie and Janie run out of the room and up the staircase. Uncle Billy stares at Mary.

MARY

You too, Uncle Billy!

Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 4 Contrasting Dialogue

Lisa’s Contrasting Scene

What I learned is that by using the contrasting dialogue to the action you are adding layers to your character. Two things are revealed about the character’s traits…one from their words and one from their actions. One of the two becomes subtext.

Set-up: Dash and Donna have been assigned to find Santa and his kidnappers by NORAD. Their commander did not want to send them, but they were the only two who were available to go. Prior to this scene, they have been to the North Pole and now are near the Canadian-US border following Santa’s tracking device.

DONNA is 32 years old, short, and rotund, is confident despite her size and makes a lot of mistakes.

DASH is 28 years old, thin, and tall, who is very confident but not always the sharpest knife in the drawer.

EXT-CANADIAN BACKROAD-DAY

Dash and Donna are racing down a backroad in pursuit of the kidnappers and Santa Claus in their black government issue sedan when something that looks like a person falls out of the sky and onto the road. Dash who is driving swerves to try and miss it. The car goes into the shoulder ditch and POOF! The front left tire blows. Dash and Donna look at each other with big eyes. Then they bounce out of the car and run over to see if the person is alright.

DONNA

What the hell?

DASH

What the wholly Christmas!

Dash looks up to the sky. It’s one of the old blow-up clowns that you punch, and it pops back up, up righting itself…only this one is a Santa Claus version. They look around. No one is nearby. Nothing is nearby.

DASH

Where did it come from?

Donna kicks it hard in frustration.

DONNA

Take that Santa!

Dash decides to take Donna’s lead.

DASH

(laughing) Yeah, take that Santa!!

Dash kicks the Santa, and it flies through the air onto the other side of the road.

DONNA

Come on. We’ve got to fix that tire and get out of here. We’re going to lose their trail.

CUT TO

Dash slides in behind the wheel of the car leaving the door open as Donna tries to push it out of the ditch onto the gravel shoulder.

DASH

That Santa got me thinking.

Dash puts the car in drive. Donna starts pushing.

DONNA

(grunting) What’s that?

DASH

I was wondering what your favorite Christmas movie is.

DONNA

That’s an easy question.

Dash doesn’t wait for the answer.

DASH

Just don’t say it’s…

DONNA and DASH

Die Hard!

Dash gets out of the car and runs to the back of it to help Donna push it.

DASH

That is NOT a Christmas movie.

DONNA

Yes, it is. It takes place at Christmas.

With one big push the car jumps out of the ditch and starts down the road with no one in it. Donna and Dash run after it.

DASH

It’s a shoot-em up film, not a nice Christmas movie.

DONNA

Doesn’t matter. If it takes place in December, it’s a Christmas movie.

Dash leaps to try and get into the car. His left leg is hanging out. He presses the brake, and the car comes to a severe stop in the middle of the road.

DASH

I don’t buy it. There’s not enough Christmasy, Christmas in it.

Donna gets the jack out of the trunk and starts hoisting up the car. Dash goes to the trunk to get out the spare.

DONNA

Balderdash!

DASH

What did you call me?

Donna laughs.

DASH

My name’s short for Dasher, not Balderdash…because I ran track in high school, and I was fast.

Dash decides to bounce the tire for fun. The tire goes flying across the road and hits the Santa balloon.

DASH

Oops!!

Dash runs after the tire. He pats Santa and rolls the tire over to the car.

DONNA

Hey! You didn’t say what your favorite Christmas movie is.

DASH

The Long Kiss Goodnight.

DONNA

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie, then that’s NOT a Christmas movie either!

Dash takes the busted tire to the trunk.

DASH

What are you talking about? There’s Christmas parties and decorations, and kick-ass (kicks his leg up) Gena Davis even plays Mrs. Claus in a parade!

Donna is done putting on the spare tire and takes the jack to the trunk.

DONNA

Then we agree that BOTH Die Hard and Long Kiss Goodnight are Christmas movies. Deal?

DASH

Deal.

They shake hands.

DONNA

Now let’s get out of here. We have an actual Santa to find.

Dash runs over and picks up the balloon Santa and puts it in the backseat. Donna stares at his childishness.

DASH

He’s our holiday perp.

DONNA

Get in.

Dash runs around the car and slams the car door.

DONNA (CONTINUED)

What have I told you about slamming the car door?!

DASH

It bugs you.

Dash gives her a big, lovable smile. Donna rolls her eyes and they’re off! The car speeds down the road.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 3 More Character in my Dialogue, Please

Lisa’s World View Scene

What I learned is diving into the world views and the life mottos of my characters assists with creating their dialogue.

Character Name: MARY WINTERS
World View: Family first, My life second
Life Metaphor: A life without dreams, is like a bird without wings
Rules and Strategies:

· Work hard to get out of Seneca Falls

· Don’t commit because you’ll be leaving someday soon

· Get the family members set up so they can all take care of themselves

· Try to be like Santa Claus: see all things happen, be good and loving, and create miracles for others

Justifications:

o My daughters will experience more in a larger city

o I don’t want to end up like my mother, father, or sisters

o I am meant to have a greater life

o My dreams are not in Seneca Falls

o Everyone here knows me too well

o I deserve more

*This is a re-write of the opening scenes and introduction to the protagonist, Mary Winters to include her world view.

OPENING OF “MARY’S WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS”

FADE IN

MARY WINTERS (VOICEOVER)

Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY IN THE POURING RAIN

SHOTS OF MAIN STREET LIT UP AT NIGHT. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls.” For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it…

Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…

SHOT OF THE FRONT OF THE IAWL MUSEUM

CUT TO SHOT OF THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

Oh no. There it is the George Bailey bridge sitting in the middle of town and haunting us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…

LONG SHOT OF THE FIRE TRUCK DRIVING IN THE POURING RAIN

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

There I am.

CLOSE UP AND STOP FRAME ON MARY’S FACE (ala IAWL shot of George Bailey in the luggage store scene)

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York. I am a mom, a sister, a daughter, a winery-worker, a community activist, a volunteer firefighter…and an ex.

But the one thing I always wanted to be I am not. A world traveler. Before I could read, I would live under the covers with my mom’s copy of National Geographic magazine. Staring at incredible photos of faraway lands and pledging that I would see for myself whatever escape was featured each week.

After I graduated from high school, I was ready to start my journeys. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Peter and I decided we wanted the baby, so I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later.

I still dream of far-off places. My daughters often ask where I go when I stare into space. I’m in New Zealand or in India or on safari in Africa. When I’m dreaming of the world, I often think of the quote from Helen Keller, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” Sometimes my life feels like nothing at all.

But then I snap out of it and focus on Aristotle who said that “It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” So, with my feet firmly planted here in Seneca Falls, I’m focusing on the light of Christmas. And along with the other Christmas man Santa Claus, I try to see everyone and make miracles happen for them.

CUT BACK TO LONG SHOT OF THE FIRE TRUCK DRIVING IN THE POURING RAIN

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

Here I am driving the fire truck about 3 years ago. I remember this night as if it were yesterday because this night changed my life forever…

EXT-MAIN STREET SENECA FALLS, NY-NIGHT

The firetruck, which appears to be on its last leg, is driving fast along Main Street. Mary’s firefighting partner is BERT WINTERS, her former brother-in-law.

Mary and Bert look at each other, they think they’ve spotted something on the George Bailey bridge. It’s hard to see through the buckets of falling rain. Mary pulls up to the edge of the bridge and stops the truck. The headlights light up the bridge. It is a tall MAN in his 40’s who is up on the railing and appears to be dressed in an old-fashioned white nightgown ala Clarence, the angel in the It’s a Wonderful Life movie. The intoxicated man wobbles on the edge.

EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

BERT

Is that who I think it is?

MARY

Oh, for god’s sake! Give me a rope and I’ll go talk to him.

BERT

You sure you don’t want me to do it?!

MARY

You know I have to do this Bert!

BERT

But it’s awful high up and your fear of…

MARY

(cutting him off) …Yeah, I know. But I volunteer to try to get over my fears. Now’s as good an opportunity as any.

Mary looks at Bert and makes a scary face. Bert hands Mary a rope. Mary ties the rope around her waist. Mary and Bert jump out of the truck into the pouring rain. Bert turns to tie Mary to the bumper of the fire truck but sees there is no longer one there. It was ripped off at the last fire and they hadn’t had time to replace it. So, Bert ties Mary to the bridge railing. Mary approaches the man standing on the railing.

MARY (yelling over the rain)

Hey there! What ’cha doing?

MAN

(slurring) I can’t go on like this!

MARY

If you jump, you’re going to hurt yourself. There are rocks down there! What about your children? Do you want to leave them without a father?

MAN

You take care of them…(looking toward the fire truck) or Bert!

MARY who is tied to the railing, then ties herself to the MAN.

MAN

Get off of me!

MARY

Your children need they’re dad. Come on down and let’s talk about it.

MAN

No more talking!

The man jumps off the bridge and Mary goes too because they are tied together.

MARY

AAAAAH!

Unfortunately, or fortunately, the rope isn’t long enough to hit the water, so they are hanging upside down in the rain above the running water and the ragged rocks below.

MARY

Now what are you going to do! (half joking) I thought angels could fly!

MAN

(yelling) I haven’t got my wings yet! Let me go!

The man tries to untie the knot in the rope. Another FIRETRUCK arrives on the bank of the river and shines a light on the situation.

MARY

There is no way I’m letting you drop without me and I’m not going into that cold water! Bert! Bert!

Bert looks over the railing but can’t do anything. He’s not strong enough to pull them both up by the rope.

BERT

Hold on Mary!

Bert tries to pull up the rope.

MARY

(Screams)

Bert!!

The man gets the rope untied. Mary and the man fall into the running river with rocks around them. Mary is holding onto the man with dear life and trying to swim to the shore.

MARY

I’m going to hurt you when we get out of this!

MAN

Let me go!

MARY

Sam!! Pull us out!

SAM WELLS, a 30-something Black man and butcher by trade and COREY SANTOS, a 19-year-old Mexican American volunteer student wade into the water to throw them a line. Mary and the man go under. Then Mary pops up and her superhuman adrenaline kicks in. With all the “hysterical strength” of a mother she lifts the man up.

SAM

Grab the line, Mary!

MARY

He’s fighting me!

MAN

Let me go!!

SAM

Sock him!

Mary twists herself and punches the man in his face as hard as she can. He stops fighting her long enough for her to grab the line. Sam and Corey wade in far enough to grab Mary and the man. Mary and the man lie in the pouring rain on the bank of the river.

MARY

What the hell are you thinking!!

Mary starts hitting the man. The man starts to cry.

MARY

(still hitting him) What about Janie? What about Ruthie? Do you know who would have to tell them what happened to you? ME! Stop crying, will ya! We made it! (quieter) We made it.

Mary pulls the man toward her. Mary holds the man tight as he sobs.

MARY

(feeling badly) Stop crying, Peter. I won’t hit you anymore. You’re okay, I’ve got you.

An ambulance arrives and the paramedics jump out and go to Mary and PETER.

FADE OUT

VOICEOVER – OPENING CREDITS

FADE UP ON INT-MARY’S KITCHEN-DAY

During V.O. and opening credits, we see Mary working like a crazy person, putting a cake into the oven, icing Christmas cupcakes, doing dishes, preparing lunchboxes, putting out the dog’s food. There are Christmas goodies and decorations all over the kitchen and in the adjacent breakfast nook. Mary takes a phone call while she is doing all of this. A photo of her mother on the wall watches over her preparations.

MARY (V.O. CONTINUED)

That event was three years ago, and it lit a fire under me. Peter and I divorced soon after and it’s been a whirlwind ever since. And this year for the first time I’m in charge of the It’s a Wonderful Life annual festival.

You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do!! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the last 10 years and as the oldest daughter, I was forced to help her.

Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. I tried to get out of it, but no one else wanted the job. Well, except for Violet. I COULDN’T let vile Violet have it. So, I have no choice but to suck it up and put on the best It’s a Wonderful Life festival ever!

Mary stops. Breaks the fourth wall. Stares at the camera with tousled hair and a messy face and rolls her eyes.

FADE OUT

NOTE: The red text wasn’t my doing. It just happened upon uploading the text.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 2 Expressing Character

Lisa’s Character Traits Live!

What I learned is that walking away and coming back is a good habit because you have time to think about what you’ve written, and often better dialogue comes to me when I’m just thinking about the scene. And keeping close to the character’s traits propels the creation of the dialogue in a more natural way.

Mary – Super mom

Traits:

Competitive

Clever

Energetic

Driven

Joseph – Player Businessman

Traits:

Intelligent

Stubborn

Positive

Refined

SET UP: MARY and JOSEPH have been dating for 2 years and Joe wants to marry Mary. Mary keeps using the excuse that it’s too soon since her divorce and her daughters aren’t ready. But she’s in denial about still having feelings for her ex-husband Peter and is sabotaging this relationship without knowing exactly why.

SCENE from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

FADE UP on the front yard of Mary’s house. RUTHIE and JANIE, Mary’s daughters are playing in the snow. It is snowing hard and UNCLE BILLY their dachshund is running around barking at the girls. JOSEPH and MARY are looking out the window of the renovated old Victorian home.

CUT TO INT-MARY’S HOUSE-DAY

MARY

They are so happy. (Moving away from the window) I haven’t heard from Peter. I don’t know if he’s going to show for Christmas tomorrow. The girls will be really disappointed.

JOSEPH

I will make it up to them.

MARY

What? You think you can fix everything that is wrong with my life. Well, you can’t. You can’t fix Peter.

JOSEPH

No, I cannot fix Peter. I can only try to make Christmas wonderful for you and your girls.

MARY

You want to tie everything up with a nice little bow. It’s not your place to make Christmas wonderful for my girls. It’s mine!

JOSEPH

Maybe it is ours?

MARY

There is no ours…yet.

JOSEPH

What does that mean? I want to be with you…and with the girls. I care for all of you.

Silence, while Mary begins folding clothes from the couch while Joseph starts straightening up the living room.

MARY (perturbed)

You don’t have to do that.

JOSEPH (pleasantly)

I know.

MARY (frustrated)

You don’t get it. I don’t want you to clean my house! (Snatching a cloth from his hand)

JOSEPH

Okay, My goodness. I’m just helping you out. Why won’t you let me help you?

MARY

It’s only been 3 years Joe.

JOSEPH

Since the divorce, I know. But we’ve been off and on for 2 of those 3 years. I want to make it permanent.

MARY

IT’S TOO SOON! For the girls…

JOSEPH

And for you? What do you want Mary?!

Joseph grabs Mary by the shoulders.

MARY (blurting it out)

Why do you insist on pressing me on this? You could do so much better back in New York. I’m sure women were flinging themselves at you when you were there.

JOSEPH

You know I’m not like that. Why don’t you trust me?

Joseph shakes Mary…gently with frustration.

MARY

Like I trusted Peter?

JOSEPH (holding her tighter)

I’m not Peter. I’m not like anyone else.

MARY

What makes you so special?

JOSEPH (angrily)

I love you.

MARY (angrily back)

I know.

Mary breaks away from Joseph’s grip.

MARY (smirking)

I really, really, really, really, like you too.

Joseph hangs his head.

JOSEPH

ER!! Must you play so hard to get all of the time?

MARY (coyly)

Must you keep annoying me with “I love you” all of the time?

JOSEPH (smiling)

You know I won’t give up.

MARY (pauses)

Actually…you may when I tell you what I need to tell you.

JOSEPH

What? (Laughs) You’re actually going to tell me something?

MARY

Sit down.

JOSEPH (sitting up straight)

Okay.

MARY

Well. I’ve decided to…

JOSEPH (excited)

Say YES! Finally…

MARY

…No. Janie, Ruthie, Uncle Billy, and I are going to move to Albany come Spring.

JOSEPH (jumping up)

What? Why?

Mary returns to folding clothes.

MARY (nonchalantly)

I think it would be best for us to start over in a new place. An adventure. For me and the girls. I’ve been here all my life and I’d like to see what it would be like to live in a bigger city. More things to do for all of us. It has nothing to do with you and me.

JOSEPH

Clearly. (pauses) I thought we were building something here. (hurt) Was I completely off base?

MARY

It has nothing to do with you. It’s for me and the girls.

JOSEPH

How long have you been thinking about this?

MARY

That’s not important.

JOSEPH

It is to me.

MARY (reluctantly)

About a year.

JOSEPH (grabbing his hat)

Great. And when were you going to tell me? After you left town?

MARY

I’m sorry, Joe.

JOSEPH

No, I’M sorry…that we ever got together.

MARY

Joe don’t say that!

JOSEPH

Goodbye, Mary.

JOSEPH puts on his coat and heads out the door. Mary runs to the door.

MARY

See you at the festi…

MARY watches from the door as he waves goodbye to the girls and drives away. UNCLE BILLY barks to get in. MARY grabs a towel. MARY sweeps him up in her arms and sits down rubbing him with the towel. Tears start to fall from MARY’s eyes as UNCLE BILLY licks her face.

MARY (CONTINUED)

(sad) Goodbye.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 1 What Makes Dialogue Great?

Lisa’s Great Dialogue Scene from MOONSTRUCK

What I learned is that there can be more than one meaning in the dialogue. That the dialogue serves the purpose of revealing character traits and relationships, subtext and meaning, mood and feelings, etc. It doesn’t have to be one thing.

There are many terrifically written scenes in Moonstruck and I could have chosen any number of them. I chose this scene because it stuck with me and over the years, I have thought about it…and repeated the last line in real life many times!

Set up: Family matriarch, Rose has gone to dinner by herself. She knows her husband Cosmo is cheating on her. Her interaction with Perry is full of subtext for her own life.

MOONSTRUCK

120 EXT. THE GRAND TICINO – NIGHT 122

The OVERTURE PLAYS THROUGH this ESTABLISHING SHOT and then FADES AWAY at the start of the NEXT SHOT. WE SEE Rose enter the restaurant.

121 INT. THE GRAND TICINO – NIGHT 123

The dinner crowd is in and most of the tables are occupied. The entranceway door opens and Rose enters.

She’s got herself up very nice. The host, quickly approaches her. She’s very dignified.

JIMMY

Hello, Mrs. Castorini! Mr. Castorini’s coming?

123 CONTINUED

ROSE

It’s just me. I want to eat.

NOTE: From the first line “I want to eat” we know she is a no-nonsense person. Her character is revealed.

JIMMY

Okay . I got a table for you right now.

Jimmy leads her to a table for two against the wall.

(continuing) This alright?

ROSE Fine.

He seats her.

JIMMY Enjoy your meal.

Jimmy breezes of 2 Chere(s another table—for-two against the wail to Rose’s front. SEE a woman’s back from Rose’s POV, and a pretty head of hair. This woman, whose name is SHEILA, is having an argument with the man across from her. But the man’s face is blocked by Sheila’s back and head, and the argument is too low to be made out. Bobo approaches Rose’s table.

BOBO

Good evening Mrs. Castorini.

You eating alone tonight?

ROSE

Hello, Bobo. Yes. Let me have a martini, no ice and two olives.

BOBO Very good.

NOTE: Her drink is an old-fashioned one, martini with no ice…makes her look tough and sure of herself, yet two olives—she knows what she likes!

Bobo heads off for the bar. The couple at the next table catches Rose’s attention again, and their argument becomes a little louder.

SHEILA’S VOICE

I’m trying to explain to you how I feel. Every time I try to explain how I feel, you explain how you feel. I don’t think that’s really much of a response.

UNSEEN MAN’S VOICE Well, it’s the only response I’ve got.

NOTE: Man is selfish and not serious right off the bat. Reveals his character.

Bobo reappears with the martini and serves it.

BOBO

You wanna see a menu?

ROSE

Not yet. I ‘ll wait.

NOTE: Rose is into eavesdropping…you learn a lot from doing it.

Bobo is gone. Rose is mildly intrigued with the argument at the next table now. She tries to see past Sheila, to see the man, but she can’t without making too big a move. The argument goes on.

SHEILA’S VOICE, I really do hate it though, when you take that tone with me. Like you’re above it all and isn’t it amusing.

‘ s VOICE But it is, isn’t it?

SHEILA’S VOICE Not to me! This is my life, no matter how damned comical it may seem to you. I don’t need some man standing above the struggle while I roll around in the mud!

MAN’s VOICE I think you like the mud and I don’t. That’s fair, isn’t it? If I don’t care to. . .

NOTE: Perry isn’t concerned about Sheila…and he called her a drama queen with the liking the “mud” comment…he does think he’s above it all.

Sheila stands up abruptly and flings a glass of water in the Man’s face. She pulls her coat off the back of her chair and stalks off. This whole operation took about two seconds. When she stalks off, the face of the Man becomes visible to Rose for the first time. It’s Perry, the professor in his 50’s, who appeared and was treated in a similar way in the earlier scene in this restaurant. His face is covered with beads of water. He pats his face with his napkin and apologizes ‘to CUSTOMERS at neighboring tables.

PERRY Sorry about that, folks.

a very pretty mental patient.

The Shy waiter arrives to assist Perry drying himself.

(continuing)

Don ‘t mind about me. But could you do me a favor and clear her place and take away all evidence of her, and bring me a big glass of vodka?

SHYWAITER Absolutely !

NOTE: We know now that Perry didn’t really care about Sheila…he wants all evidence of her removed! A narcissist.

The shy Waiter heads for the bar. For the first time, Perry notices Rose. They are facing each other with no obstacles in the way now.

PERRY

I’m sorry if we disturbed you.

ROSE

I’m not disturbed. By you.

PERRY

MY lady has a personality disorder.

ROSE

She was just too young for you.

NOTE: Rose tells him like it is and has no qualms about doing so. She sees a fool in front of her, but he can’t penetrate her wisdom and confidence. He can manipulate a young girl, but not Rose!

The Shy Waiter serves Perry his drink.

PERRY

(to the Waiter)

Thanks, comrade.

WAITER It’s nothing!

The Shy Waiter goes.

PERRY

(Rose’s comment strikes home) Ouch. Too young! I just got that. You know how to hurt a guy . How old are you?

ROSE

None of your business.

He drops his posturing.

Sorry . That was rude.

ROSE

Will you join me for dinner?

PERRY

Are you sure?

NOTE: What? She invites him to eat with her. She wants to study this fool specimen. Or does she not want to eat alone too?

She nods.

PERRY

(continuing)

Then I ‘d be delighted. I hate eating alone, and it’s amazing how often I end up doing just that.

124 ROSE AND PERRY ARE HALFWAY THROUGH THEIR DINNER 124

ROSE What do you do?

PERRY I ‘m a professor. I teach communications at N.Y. U.

ROSE

That woman was a student of yours?

PERRY

Sheila? Yes, she was.

ROSE

There’s an old saying my mother told me. Would you like to hear?

PERRY

Yes.

ROSE

Don’t shit where you eat.

<b align=”left”>NOTE:
Simple and to the point is Rose. Perry is a bit surprised at her directness. Attack/Counterattack
is here and through the rest of the scene. And adds humor!

PERRY

(taken aback, then recovering)

I’ll remember that. What do you do?

ROSE

I’m a housewife.

74 .

124

124

PERRY

Then why are you eating alone?

ROSE

I ‘m not eating alone. Can I ask you a question?

NOTE: Rose is funny.

PERRY Go ahead.

ROSE

Why do men chase women?

PERRY (considers) Nerves.

ROSE

I think it’s because they fear death.

NOTE: Rose has thought about this. Perry doesn’t know that Cosmo is cheating on her, but the audience knows. The audience knows she’s trying to find answers through this stranger.

Maybe. You wanna know why I chase women? I find women charming. I teach these classes I’ve taught for a million years. The spontaneity ran out of it for me a long time ago. I started off & I was excited about something and I wanted to share it. Now it’s rote , it’s the multiplication table. Except sometimes. Sometimes I’m droning along and I look up, and there’s this fresh young beautiful face, and it’s all new to her and I ‘m this great guy who’s just brilliant and thinks out loud. And when that happens, when I look out among those chairs and look at a young woman’s face, and see Me there in her eyes, Me the way I always wanted to be and maybe once was , then I ask her out on a date. It doesn’t last. It can go for a few weeks or a couple of precious months, but then she catches on that I ‘m just a burnt-out old gasbag and that she’s as fresh and bright and full of promise as moonlight in a martini.

(MORE)

124 CON71 : (2 )

124

(cont ‘d) And at that moment, she stands up and throws a glass of water in my face, or some action to that effect.

NOTE: Perry is a man who loves to hear himself talk and thinks he’s figured it all out.

ROSE

What you don’t know about women is a lot.

NOTE: This is one of my favorite lines in film! Rose in her succinct way has summed up Perry and the whole scene in one sentence. Hilarious and poignant all at once!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Anna Harper

Hi Anna,

I am fascinated by the location of your story. This scene has layers. I felt that each character was in some way working against Sarah. The subtext was most visible with Bonnie and her set up of Sarah. Sarah’s silence at the end tells us that she realizes what’s just happened with Bonnie. Can’t wait to read more of your script!

Please critique my scene if you have time.

Thank you,

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 9 Subtext in Your Scripts!

Lisa’s Final Scene!

What I learned is that subtext is a vital part of creating an exciting story.

CHARACTER SUBTEXT LOGLINES

Character Name: MARY WINTERS

<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Subtext Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success while not letting on that she wants her ex-husband back.

Character Name: PETER WINTERS

<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Subtext Logline: Peter doesn’t let on that he made the biggest mistake of his life divorcing Mary and thinks kidnapping Santa is the best of two wrongs…getting Santa to help him vs losing everything!

Character Name: JOSEPH BISHOP

<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Subtext Logline: Joseph is persistent when he wants something in business or in his personal life and Mary gives him a real challenge, but is his relentless happy disposition for real?

<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>SCENE<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>: From “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

INT-HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM-NIGHT

It is the annual Bedford Falls Dance Contest! The gym is decked out in It’s a Wonderful Life 1945’s style. The band is playing 1940’s music. The place is hopping with all ages where townies are mingling with out-of-towners. MARY WINTERS is there with her boyfriend, JOSEPH BISHOP. VIOLET MILLS (Mary’s sister) is by herself so she can play the field. TILLY MILLS (Mary’s other sister) came with her boyfriend PETER WINTERS (Mary’s ex). They are all dressed in 1940’s costumes. Punch and cookies are being served.

HARRY MILLS (Mary’s father) enters the gym with not one, but two young ladies on his arm. KIM DAVIS is a 26-year-old disheveled schoolteacher and MARGE MARTIN is an older looking 28-year-old barmaid at Martini’s Bar. Both are younger than his daughters…and his daughters know both of them!

Mary, Joseph, Violet, and Peter are all standing on the edge of the dance floor watching couples dancing. Mary sees her father.

MARY

Oh my God!

Mary embarrassed, turns, and puts her head into Joseph’s chest. Joseph pats her on the back.

TILLY

Wow.

Peter heartily laughs.

VIOLET

You go Dad!

MARY

Shut up, Violet! Stop encouraging him!

TILLY

That is embarrassing. But please don’t make a scene Mary.

MARY

Our mother has only been dead 3 months and he’s acting like a horny, pimple faced boy!

TILLY

Don’t make it worse.

VIOLET

Well, I think it’s great that he’s sowing his oats.

MARY

(getting in Violet’s face) You would say that! You’re just like him!

Joseph grabs Mary’s arm.

JOSEPH

Mary. Maybe Tilly’s right. We don’t want to make a scene.

MARY

A scene! Look at him making a scene!

In the meantime, Harry, Kim, and Marge have gone over to the punch table and are drinking punch.

Mary marches over with Joseph in tow who is still holding her arm. Tilly and Violet scoot along after Joseph.

MARY

Dad! Can I speak to you over there! (pointing to a line of empty chairs)

HARRY

(calmly) Good evening girls. Joe. You remember Kim and Marge.

JOSEPH

Hi Harry. Yes, of course. Hello Kim, Marge.

Violet leans over and kisses Harry’s cheek.

VIOLET

Hi Daddy. Ladies.

TILLY

Dad. Can we talk to you?

Harry turns to his dates.

HARRY

Pardon me, ladies. Someone’s hair seems to be on fire. I shall return.

Mary hurries over to where no one is sitting. Harry, Violet, and Tilly follow. Joseph stays behind and talks to Kim and Marge.

KIM

(to Joseph) Who’s hair is on fire!

JOSEPH

It’s just an expression Kim.

Kim looks puzzled.

MARY

Dad what are you doing?

HARRY

Well, I thought I was attending my daughter’s festival event.

MARY

You know damn well what I’m talking about.

Harry looks at Violet and Tilly and shrugs. Mary sighs angrily.

TILLY

Dad. Why did you bring Kim and Marge with you?

HARRY

I’m deciding which one I like.

MARY

Oh, for God’s sake!

VIOLET

(gleefully) It’s okay with me, Daddy. You be you.

TILLY

You do know that they are younger than us.

HARRY

Well, I can see how that might make you concerned, but I promise not to love ‘em and leave ‘em.

Mary is beside herself.

MARY

Dad, it is sad and gross.

VIOLET

Mary! It’s none of your business.

Mary gets in Violet’s face.

MARY

Violet, I get that you think it’s funny that I’m upset. True to your colors. But I will not have my dad running around town with two children. You know that mom is turning over in her grave!

VIOLET

Always so dramatic. True to your colors.

TILLY

Okay. Dad, please have a good time tonight. But take it easy. Be nice and… appropriate with the young ladies.

HARRY

Always a gentleman, dear.

Harry bows.

HARRY

Now if you’re done admonishing me, I need to get back to my dates.

Harry saunters back to where Kim and Marge are talking to Joseph. Mary has gotten quiet.

TILLY

Mary. Are you okay?

MARY

(sadly) Did you notice he’s not wearing his wedding ring?

Mary walks away.

TILLY

I hadn’t noticed. I suppose everyone is different on how long they grieve.

VIOLET

I hadn’t noticed either. But he has to move on. Life is short.

TILLY

(picking up her head) Hey. Let’s not worry about dad for the rest of the night.

VIOLET

Deal.

Tilly and Violet shake hands.

VIOLET

Let’s dance!

Violet dances off. Tilly laughs and goes to watch the kids in a special kid’s area. Violet has danced over to Joseph.

VIOLET

(standing close) A birdy told me that you are a real dancer. How’d you like to team up with me and win this thing?

JOSEPH

A birdy told me you are a real dancer too. You know I specialize in winning.

Joseph looks around but doesn’t see Mary.

JOSEPH (CONTINUED)

Yes, okay. I’m sure Mary wouldn’t mind.

VIOLET

Come on, let’s put in our names.

Violet pulls Joseph by his arm across the room to the dance contest sign up table.

Peter is standing around the kids’ area because Tilly is the kid wrangler for the evening.

TILLY

Peter, why don’t you go have fun. You look weird hanging around here.

PETER

Okay.

TILLY

(smiling) And stay out of trouble.

Peter nods and walks over to the stage area waiting for the dance contest to begin.

The dance couples are lining up on one side of the dance floor. Mary comes over to Peter.

MARY

Have you seen Joe?

PETER

He’s over there with Violet.

MARY

Oh my God! They have matching numbers on! He’s going to dance with her!

PETER

Yeah, I thought that was strange. You didn’t give your blessing?

MARY

I had no idea.

PETER

(pause) Hey. I have an idea. If they’re going to dance together, why don’t you and I dance together.

Mary starts to protest.

PETER (CONTINUED)

Now hear me out….you can show Joe that it takes two to tango. You dance with me, and he’ll see us together.

MARY

Well, he’s clearly made his choice for a partner.

PETER

Come on, for old times’ sake. We could both use some fun.

MARY

You’re not wrong there. (pause as she stares at Joe) Okay, what the hell. Come on let’s show them.

Mary and Joseph run over to the sign-up table. Joseph and Violet see them signing up.

Joseph goes over to Mary.

JOSEPH

Hey, Mar. What are you doing?

MARY

Since you and Violet are entering the contest together, Peter and I are entering together.

JOSEPH

I told Violet that you wouldn’t mind.

MARY

Oh, I don’t mind. (looking up at him) Peter’s a fantastic dancer.

Mary and Peter line up with the others as they put on their numbers. Joseph goes back to Violet.

VIOLET

She’ll be happy for you when we win.

JOSEPH

We better win then.

The Principal, MR. GRANVILLE, an oddly tall man of 63, comes out on the stage where the band is playing and blows a whistle.

MR. GRANVILLE

Thanks everyone for coming to the annual It’s a Wonderful Life Bedford Falls Dance Contest! Thank you to all of the volunteers that helped to put this together and a special thank you to Mary Winters for her planning and execution of this fabulous night!

A spotlight shines on Mary. Everyone claps. Mary waves and curtseys.

MR. GRANVILLE (CONTINUED)

The prize for winning the contest is a genuine loving cup. Couples, those not tapped on the shoulder remain on the floor…and keep on dancing!

The band starts playing Swing music. The couples move onto the dance floor and start swinging. Mary & Peter and Joseph & Violet are all performing perfectly.

The band starts playing Lindy Hop music. The judges start coming around and tapping shoulders. Mary, Peter, Joseph, and Violet survive the cut. The band changes to Jitterbug music.

Mary & Peter are starting to tire. Joseph and Violet are hopping strong. The band plays Charleston music. Ah! Mary and Peter are tapped out along with several other couples.

Mary & Peter stand on the edge of the dance floor, disappointed. Watching Joseph and Violet…

MARY

(breathing heavily) What?!

PETER

(breathing heavily) Do you see that? They’re incredible.

MARY

Joe said he could dance, but I had no idea!

PETER

We knew Violet could dance, but wow.

MARY

And I thought we were going to take it. Dagnabit!

PETER

Like old times.

MARY

Things have changed.

PETER

I wish there were a swimming pool under this floor!

Mary laughs. They stare at Joseph and Violet still dancing. It’s down to the final two couples.

MARY

You know in the movie, George and Mary started their romance at the dance.

Peter surprised, snaps his head towards Mary.

PETER

What do you mean?

MARY

Oh, I don’t know.

Mary sheepishly backs away toward the punch table for a drink. Peter follows.

PETER

(sings on one note, like George in IAWL) What did you mean by that?

MARY

(pouring some punch) I’ve kept Joseph waiting. He may find someone else.

Mary hands Peter a glass of punch and pours herself a glass.

PETER

Are you going to throw a rock and make a wish?

Peter drinks.

MARY

(chuckling) I’ve thrown a lot of rocks, but they haven’t landed where I thought they would.

Mary drinks.

PETER

Rocks break. Maybe you need to throw something softer.

Mary throws Peter a look.

MARY

Why Peter Winters, you are flirting with me.

Just then Joseph and Violet are crowned the winners of the dance contest. They go up on stage, get their trophy and take a bow.

PETER

(sarcastically) Well, looks like your boyfriend is a winner once again.

MARY

(also, sarcastically) He can’t help it if he’s good at everything.

Joseph and Violet come jogging over.

VIOLET

Can you believe it, we won!

JOSEPH

We didn’t even practice. (to Violet) You’re a wonderful dancer!

VIOLET

(batting her eyes) You ain’t bad yourself, Mr. Bishop.

MARY

(deadpan) Congratulations.

PETER

Yeah, that was unbelievable.

VIOLET

I need something to drink.

Violet pushes Mary aside and heads for the punch.

JOSEPH

I’m parched too…from winning!!

Joseph trots after Violet waving the trophy. Peter and Mary just stand in silence.

PETER

(hands in pockets) I think I’ll see what Tilly is up to.

MARY

See ya around, partner.

Mary realizes that sounds like they’re together!

MARY (CONTINUED)

I mean…dance partner.

Peter winks at her and heads across the gym floor toward the kid’s area. Mary watches him go.

MARY

(to herself) Partner.

CUT TO EXT-GYMNASIUM-NIGHT

The dance is over. Mary and Peter are outside on the steps to the gym.

MARY

Thank you, Mr. Winters. I had a good time tonight. Despite the drama.

PETER

You’re welcome, Ms. Winters. Or are you going by Mills these days?

MARY

I’m still using Winters.

PETER

I suppose it’ll be Bishop soon.

Mary shrugs. They stare at each other for a beat. Violet and Joseph interrupt them by coming out the gym doors.

VIOLET

What a night! (flippantly) Mary, you actually pulled it off.

Violet turns to Joseph.

VIOLET (CONTINUED)

Oh! I had a magical night with you Joseph!

Violet throws her arms around Joseph. Joseph hugs her back much to Mary’s dismay. Mary steps up and pulls them apart.

MARY

Okay. That’s enough. (to Joseph) Let’s go.

JOSEPH

(looking over his shoulder) See you around.

Mary and Joseph head for the parking lot.

PETER

You’re a piece of work. Making Mary jealous like that.

VIOLET

I don’t know what you’re talking about, EX-husband. Good night.

PETER

Good night.

Violet goes to her car in the parking lot.

Mr. Granville opens the gym door for Tilly as she exits.

MR. GRANVILLE

Thanks again for taking care of the children tonight.

TILLY

My pleasure. Good night, Mr. Granville.

MR. GRANVILLE

Good night.

Mr. Granville goes back inside.

TILLY

Well, I told you to stay out of trouble.

PETER

You know trouble always finds me.

TILLY

I hope you had a good time then.

PETER

It was a diversion for a minute.

TILLY

Let’s go home.

Tilly and Peter go to their car in the parking lot and drive off.

END SCENE

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Lisa Paris Long.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 8 Multiple Meanings

Lisa’s Multiple Meanings

What I learned is that I’m not certain I did the assignment as expected. But Hal always says to post it anyway.

SITUATION:

MARY WINTERS, VIOLET MILLS, and TILLY MILLS are three sisters who are attending the annual Bedford Falls Dance Contest as part of the It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Mary came with her boyfriend JOSEPH BISHOP. Tilly came with her boyfriend PETER WINTERS (and Mary’s ex). Violet came alone because she takes after their father and likes to see what happens. Their mother who used to organize the festival, died 3 months ago. Ever since her death, their father HARRY MILLS has been galivanting all over town with different ladies of varying ages.

* I’m just focusing for this assignment on the HARRY dating situation and his three daughters. After this part of the scene, the dance contest takes place, etc.

CHARACTERS & MOTIVATIONS/PERSPECTIVES:

MARY WINTERS – is embarrassed by their father Harry’s behavior and wants him to find someone his own age to settle on. Maybe a nice lady from church?

VIOLET WINTERS – thinks there is nothing wrong with Harry having some fun in his life and she encourages him every chance she gets.

TILLY WINTERS – thinks he’s too old to be dating and should just give it up at his age. But Tilly isn’t very interested in what her father is up to because she has other things to worry about. She’s the only one who knows that Peter wants to kidnap Santa Claus.

SCENE:

From “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

INT-HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM-NIGHT

It is the annual Bedford Falls Dance Contest! The gym is decked out in It’s a Wonderful Life 1945’s style. The band is playing 1940’s music. The place is hopping with all ages where townies are mingling with out-of-towners. MARY WINTERS is there with JOSEPH BISHOP. VIOLET MILLS (Mary’s sister) is by herself so she can play the field. TILLY MILLS (Mary’s other sister) came with her boyfriend PETER WINTERS (Mary’s ex). They are all dressed in 1940’s costumes. Punch and cookies are being served.

HARRY MILLS enters the gym with not one, but two young ladies on his arm. KIM DAVIS is a 26-year-old disheveled schoolteacher and MARGE MARTIN is a older looking 28-year-old barmaid at Martini’s Bar. Both are younger than his daughters…and his daughters know both of them!

Mary, Joseph, Violet, and Peter are all standing on the edge of the dance floor watching couples dancing.

MARY

Oh my God!

Mary embarrassed, turns, and puts her head into Joseph’s chest. Joseph pats her on the back.

TILLY

Wow.

Peter heartily laughs.

VIOLET

You go Dad!

MARY

Shut up, Violet! Stop encouraging him!

TILLY

That is embarrassing. But please don’t make a scene Mary.

MARY

Our mother has only been dead 3 months and he’s acting like a horny, pimple faced boy!

TILLY

Don’t make it worse.

VIOLET

Well, I think it’s great that he’s sowing his oats…finally.

MARY

(getting in Violet’s face) You would say that! You’re just like him!

Joseph grabs Mary’s arm.

JOSEPH

Mary. Maybe Tilly’s right. We don’t want to make a scene.

MARY

A scene! Look at him making a scene!

In the meantime, Harry, Kim, and Marge have gone over to the punch table and are drinking punch.

Mary marches over with Joseph in tow who is still holding her arm. Tilly and Violet scoot along after Joseph.

MARY

Dad! Can I speak to you over there! (pointing to a line of empty chairs)

HARRY

(calmly) Good evening girls. Joe. You remember Kim and Marge.

JOSEPH

Hi Harry. Yes, of course. Hello Kim, Marge.

Violet leans over and kisses Harry’s cheek.

VIOLET

Hi Daddy. Ladies.

TILLY

Dad. Can we talk to you?

Harry turns to his dates.

HARRY

Pardon me, ladies. Someone’s hair seems to be on fire. I shall return.

Mary hurries over to where no one is sitting. Harry, Violet, and Tilly follow. Joseph stays behind and talks to Kim and Marge.

KIM

(to Joseph) Who’s hair is on fire!

JOSEPH

It’s just an expression Kim.

Kim looks puzzled.

MARY

Dad what are you doing?

HARRY

Well, I thought I was attending my daughter’s festival event.

MARY

You know damn well what I’m talking about.

Harry looks at Violet and Tilly and shrugs. Mary sighs angrily.

TILLY

Dad. Why did you bring Kim and Marge with you?

HARRY

I’m deciding which one I like.

MARY

Oh, for God’s sake!

VIOLET

(gleefully) It’s okay with me, Daddy. You be you.

TILLY

You do know that they are younger than us.

HARRY

Well, I can see how that might make you concerned, but I promise not to love ‘em and leave ‘em.

Mary is beside herself.

MARY

Dad, it is sad and gross.

VIOLET

Mary! It’s none of your business.

Mary gets in Violet’s face.

MARY

Violet, I get that you think it’s funny that I’m upset. True to your colors. But I will not have my dad running around town with two children. You know that mom is turning over in her grave!

VIOLET

Always so dramatic. True to your colors.

TILLY

Okay. Dad, please have a good time tonight. But take it easy. Be nice and… appropriate with the young ladies.

HARRY

Always a gentleman, dear.

Harry bows.

HARRY

Now if you’re done admonishing me, I need to get back to my dates.

Harry saunters back to where Kim and Marge are talking to Joseph. Mary has gotten quiet.

TILLY

Mary. Are you okay?

MARY

(sadly) Did you notice he’s not wearing his wedding ring?

Mary walks away.

TILLY

I hadn’t noticed. I suppose everyone is different on how long they greave.

VIOLET

I hadn’t noticed either. But he has to move on. Life is short.

TILLY

(picking up her head) Hey. Let’s not worry about dad for the rest of the night.

VIOLET

Deal.

Tilly and Violet shake hands.

VIOLET

Let’s dance!

Violet dances off. Tilly laughs and goes back to where Mary and Joseph are hanging out.

END THIS PART OF SCENE

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 7 Language Patterns for Subtext

Lisa’s Directional FOS Patterns

What I learned is adding the language patterns helped me to focus on the natural way people speak.

Scene from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

INT-HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM-NIGHT

It is the annual Bedford Falls Dance Contest! The gym is decked out in It’s a Wonderful Life 1945’s style. The band is playing 1940’s music. The place is hopping with all ages where townies are mingling with out-of-towners. MARY WINTERS is there with JOSEPH BISHOP. VIOLET MILLS (Mary’s sister) is by herself so she can play the field. TILLY MILLS (Mary’s other sister) came with her boyfriend PETER WINTERS (Mary’s ex). They are all dressed in 1940’s costumes. Punch and cookies are being served.

*Prior to this part of the scene, Joseph & Violet and Mary & Peter end up dancing with each other and having a “dance off”. Peter dances with Mary because Tilly is busy being in charge of watching the kids at the dance. Joseph & Violet outdance Mary & Peter and do an intricately improvised dance including several 1940’s dances. Joseph & Violet have clearly studied dance. Mary & Peter are out of the contest and are standing in dismay at Joseph & Violet’s performance. Their mouths are hanging open.

MARY

What?!

PETER

Do you see that? They’re incredible.

MARY

Joe said he could dance, but I had no idea!

PETER

We knew Violet could dance, but wow.

MARY

And I thought we were going to take it. Dagnabit!

PETER

Like old times.

MARY

Things have changed.

PETER

I wish there were a swimming pool under this floor!

Mary laughs. They stare at Joseph and Violet still dancing. It’s down to the final three couples.

MARY

You know in the movie, George and Mary started their romance at the dance.

Peter surprised, snaps his head towards Mary.

PETER

What do you mean?

MARY

Oh, I don’t know.

Mary sheepishly backs away toward the punch table.

PETER

(Sings on one note, like George in IAWL) What did you mean by that?

MARY

(Pouring some punch) I’ve kept Joseph waiting. He may find someone else.

PETER

Are you going to throw a rock and make a wish?

MARY

(chuckling) I’ve thrown a lot of rocks, but they haven’t landed where I thought they would.

PETER

Rocks break. Maybe you need to throw something softer.

Mary throws Peter a look.

MARY

Why Peter Winters, I believe you are flirting with me.

Just then Joseph and Violet are crowned the winners of the dance contest. They go up on stage, get their trophy and take a bow.

PETER

(sarcastically) Well, looks like your boyfriend a winner once again.

MARY

(Also, sarcastically) He can’t help it if he’s good at everything.

Joseph and Violet come jogging over.

VIOLET

Can you believe it, we won!

JOSEPH

We didn’t even practice. (to Violet) You’re a wonderful dancer!

VIOLET

(batting her eyes) You ain’t bad yourself, Mr. Bishop.

MARY

Congratulations.

PETER

Yeah, that was unbelievable.

VIOLET

I need something to drink.

Violet heads for the punch.

JOSEPH

I’m parched too…from winning!!

Joseph trots after Violet waving the trophy. Peter and Mary just stand in silence.

PETER

(hands in pockets) I think I’ll see what Tilly is up to.

MARY

See ya around, partner.

Mary realizes that sounds like they’re together!

MARY (CONTINUED)

I mean…dance partner.

Peter winks at her and heads across the gym floor toward the kid’s area. Mary watches him go.

MARY

(to herself) Partner.

END SCENE

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 6 The Cover Up

Lisa’s Cover Up

What I learned is that I can play around with meaning, subtext, and dialogue to find the best fit.

SHORT SCENE

EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

PETER WINTERS runs into MARY WINTERS, his ex-wife on the street.

PETER

Mary. How are the girls doing?

MARY

They’re doing remarkably well and looking forward to Christmas.

PETER

That’s good. That’s good.

Peter stares at Mary’s neck and realizes she’s not wearing the necklace he gave her. She never takes it off and this is the first time he’s seen her without it in years.

MARY

(Awkwardly) Well…I have to get going…

PETER

Can I ask you something?

MARY

Sure.

PETER

You’re not wearing the necklace.

MARY

…

HOW WILL MARY ANSWER?

– Silence: Person doesn’t answer when they should.

Mary just looks at Peter, not knowing what to say.

– Action incongruent with words.

I lost it, but it’s okay. (with tears in her eyes)

– Change subject.

How’s Tilly? (Peter’s girlfriend)

– Attack back.

It’s none of your business what I wear!

– Complement them.

It’s nice to know you’re concerned.

– Threaten them

You have no right to ask me personal questions. I’ll have my attorney give you an answer!

– Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.

I lost it.

– Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a
different direction.

Are we going to see you on Christmas Day?

– Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.

I can’t believe you asked me that!

– Distraction.

Is that a new coat?

– Make a joke of it.

(chuckling) Easy come, easy go.

– Continue the conversation as if nothing happened.

I have so much to do for the festival. Ta!

SCENE WITH CHOSEN RESPONSE

EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

PETER WINTERS runs into MARY WINTERS, his ex-wife on the street.

PETER

Mary. How are the girls doing?

MARY

They’re doing remarkably well and looking forward to Christmas.

PETER

That’s good. That’s good.

Peter stares at Mary’s neck and realizes she’s not wearing the necklace he gave her. She never takes it off and this is the first time he’s seen her without it in years.

MARY

(Awkwardly) Well…I have to get going…

PETER

Can I ask you something?

MARY

Sure.

PETER

You’re not wearing the necklace.

MARY

I lost it, but it’s okay. (with tears in her eyes) I’ve got to get going now. See you on Christmas.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 5 Symbols as Subtext

Lisa’s Symbol

What I learned is that symbols can add meaning to the story and to the character’s journey.

BACKGROUND: Mary is divorced from Peter who gave her a necklace when they were first married. Mary never takes it off. Joseph is her current boyfriend who keeps proposing and she keeps saying it’s too soon since the divorce.

1. INTRODUCE THE SYMBOL through its meaning early in the story.

In a scene where Mary is talking to her friend Annie, Annie comments that Mary still wears the necklace that Peter gave her in the shape of an angel every day. Mary says it just means that she likes it.

2. SET ITS MEANING POWERFULLY enough so that just its presence
will cause an audience response.

In a later scene, Mary dressed as Santa goes into the community center to put out a fire. As she enters the center her costume gets caught on the door frame. Mary has to tug and pull to get loose and the necklace clasp breaks and falls to the floor. Mary doesn’t realize it. After Mary helps to put out the fire, she’s busy relocating the events of the festival and hurries off. Joseph remains behind with Mary’s daughters.

3. USE THE SYMBOL TO CAUSE OR SHOW CHANGE in the characters or
their situation. This is where a symbol is powerful.

In another scene, Mary realizes she’s lost the necklace and is heartbroken. She felt the angel protected her as Peter used to do. And when she runs into Peter, he secretly notices that she’s not wearing it any longer.

Near the end of the movie, Mary and Joseph are discussing their relationship and decide to break up. Before Joseph leaves, he hands Mary the necklace. He found it near the doorway after she left the center. Seeing the necklace again she realizes that she really loves Peter and runs to him.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 4 Designing Scenes for Subtext

Lisa’s Subtext Scene

What I learned is subtext is the backbone that holds the story together.

ASSIGNMENT:
1. First, tell us any background we may need to know.

Santa has just been kidnapped at the North Pole.

2. Answer the basic subtext questions about the scene.

1. What is the meaning of the subtext? Dash and Donna are seen as doofuses by their co-workers.
2. What is the cover-up? It is obvious that they’re going to screw it up.
3. When will the meaning be revealed? Before, during, or after? During this scene and after they get to the North Pole and try to interrogate the elves and Mrs. Claus.
4. How will the meaning be revealed? Their co-workers tease and razz them.

3. Pick one or more of the scene designs for subtext.

No one wants to tell the person
Competitive agendas

SCENE from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

INT-NORAD CONTROL ROOM-DAY

This is the control room of the secret NORAD Santa Headquarters outside of Washington D.C. There is a huge screen, like for a mission to Mars. Some of the people in the room are in military uniforms. The signal is stationary at the North Pole because it’s only December 23^rd as the giant countdown clock in the front of the room indicates. The headquarters is busy preparing for Santa to be on the move the following night. MR. BLITZ, the 57-year-old Indian man in charge who is pacing around with the stance of a military man, looking at screens and talking to workers.

DONNA

(shrieking) The signal is moving! Where is he going?

DONNA is 37 years old, short, and rotund, is confident despite her size and yet makes a lot of mistakes. She’s wearing a Santa hat.

DASH

He has to prepare the sleigh first!

DASH is 35 years old, thin, and tall, who is very confident but not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Dash is wearing elf ears.

The phone rings. Glances are exchanged as Mr. Blitz picks up.

BLITZ

NORAD. (pauses to listen) Yes, Mrs. Claus, we have the signal. (listens) Yes, Ma’am. We’re on the way. We will stay in touch. Thank you, Mrs. Claus, goodbye.

Blitz hangs up and looks around at the group.

BLITZ

Listen up, everyone! Santa was kidnapped.

DASH presses a button, and a piercing alarm goes off.

BLITZ

Turn it off! Turn it off!!

DASH turns off the alarm.

BLITZ

(to Dash)

We know, it’s an emergency.

BLITZ

Tim, can you and Matteo take this one?

MATTEO is a 30-year-old Latino who wears glasses and is an engineer.

MATTEO

No, we’re working on the elf project, remember?

Mr. Blitz shakes his head. Dash and Donna are literally standing in front of him when he continues looking around the room for someone to send.

BLITZ

Millie.

MILLIE

Yes, sir.

MILLIE, a brainiac Black woman of 25-years.

BLITZ

Are you available to go?

MILLIE

Uh…well, no sir. I can’t go. I’m having surgery tomorrow.

BLITZ

(letting out a big sigh) Oh.

Dash and Donna are practically in his face now.

BLITZ

Dash, Donna…

DASH and DONNA

(in unison)

Yes, sir!!

BLITZ

I suppose you two are available for this assignment.

DASH and DONNA

(in unison)

Yes, sir!!

BLITZ

Stop doing that! Looks like you’re the team.

Chuckles are heard throughout the room.

BLITZ

Now listen to me, you are to tenderly talk to the elves and Mrs. Claus, then follow the leads. Report back to me as soon as you arrive.

Blitz starts to walk away. Turns around.

BLITZ

And leave those damn hats here!

DASH and DONNA

(smiling widely)

Yes, sir!!

Blitz gives them a stare. Dash and Donna remove their hats.

BLITZ

See Tim for a briefing and your gear, then get out of here.

Dash and Don look at each other.

DASH

(quietly smiling) Yes, sir.

DONNA

(quietly smiling) Yes, sir.

Dash and Donna turn into each other and do a little dance to get around each other, then run over to Tim who leads them to his desk.

Dash and Donna put their heads together as they go.

DASH

(whispering with delight) We’re going to the North Pole!

DONNA

We’re going to see the wee elves!!

TIM

(rolling his eyes) Come on, you two.

As they pass Millie’s desk…

MILLIE

Don’t mess it up.

DASH

Jealous. (turns to Millie and sticks his tongue out)

Dash runs into a desk and grabs his knee. Donna motions for him to come on.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 3 Subtext in Relationships

Lisa’s Subtext Relationship

What I learned is that subtext belongs everywhere in the script, dialogue and action.

CHARACTER SUBTEXTS

Mary Winters

Subtext Logline: Mary is torn in different directions and keeping it together while she tries not to deal with her split feelings under the surface about Peter, her ex-husband and Joseph who keeps asking her to marry him.

Peter Winters

Subtext Logline: Peter is a war veteran who vehemently denies that he is depressed and he’s hell-bent on secretly kidnapping Santa and paying off his debt before Christmas Day.

Joseph Bishop

Subtext Logline: Joseph is a stealthy winery businessman who feels at 41 that he should finally settle down, so he wants to marry Mary because she’s the best lady in town and he hates Peter but tries to hide it.

SUBTEXT SCENARIOS

Mary confronts Peter about his PTSD and following through with meds and therapy because she’s afraid for him but acting out of concern for her daughters. Peter pushes back on Mary, hiding his condition.

Peter plows through with his plan and foolishly involves Tilly although he’s not certain if it will work. He can’t turn back now.

Mary and Peter have a moment when the audience thinks that maybe it’s not over between them. Will they get back together?

Joseph continually pushes Mary to marry him, but deep down he’s not even sure he’s in love with her. Joe believes in “never let them see you sweat” and he hides everything from Mary…only showing his surface in the scenes where he proposes.

Mary senses that something is off with Joseph. But she hasn’t voiced her concern.

Mary, Peter, and Joseph are in the same place (which rarely happens because Peter and Joseph avoid each other like the plague) and the animosity between them is palpable. Mary seems to be somewhat oblivious to their disdain for each other.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Day 2: Designing Characters for Subtext

Lisa’s Subtext Characters

What I learned is adding more subtext makes the characters more interesting and adds depth to them…and the story.

Character Name: MARY WINTERS

Subtext Identity: Mary holds in fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.

Character Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven, EVASIVE

Subtext Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success while not letting on that she wants her ex-husband back.

Possible Areas of Subtext: (Actions) Tells everyone she’s in love with Joseph to cover up the fact that she still loves Peter (”me thinks the lady doth protest too much”), and deep-down Mary is somewhat suspicious of Joseph.

Character Name: PETER WINTERS

Subtext Identity: Peter is full of fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status

Character Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate, MANIPULATIVE

Subtext Logline: Peter doesn’t let on that he made the biggest mistake of his life divorcing Mary and thinks kidnapping Santa is the best of two wrongs…getting Santa to help him vs losing everything!

Possible Areas of Subtext: Conceals what he’s doing and sneaks around. Manipulates by leaving out information on purpose. Doesn’t care what others think of him.

Character Name: JOSEPH BISHOP

Subtext Identity: Fear: Afraid of losing Mary and her girls

Character Traits: Intelligent, Stubborn, Happy, Refined, SEDUCTIVE

Subtext Logline: Joseph is persistent when he wants something in business or in his personal life and Mary gives him a real challenge, but is his relentless happy disposition for real?

Possible Areas of Subtext: Relentlessly pursues Mary. Plays nice with the daughters to get on Mary’s good side. Fights with Mary on matters that shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Secretly hates Peter. Flirts with Violet…and others.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 1 Subtext and Its Revelation

Lisa’s Great Subtext Scene

What I learned from this scene is that you don’t have to be on the nose with conversations between characters. It’s the emotion and subtext that can say what the words don’t say.

*Prior to this scene, Tracy and Cal are estranged and he has moved out of the house they used to share with their 3 children.

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE

79 EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD – LATE EVENING

MUSIC CONTINUES as we spy the Weaver family through their

windows: Robbie plays video games in his room. Molly

watching her show in hers. Tracy in the kitchen.

We MOVE DOWN the house, and OUTSIDE, where we discover:

Cal in stealth mode, tending to his backyard. He

fertilizes, trims and waters. All under cover of night.

NOTE: Surface action covering that Cal is worried and missing his family. He is showing his love by keeping up the backyard and being near them.

TRACY (O.S.)

Kids! Ice cream!

Cal looks into the living room. Tracy has brought out

ice cream: a carton with three spoons. The kids race

down the stairs, join her, and start eating. Laughing.

We take in the real-time TABLEAU:

Cal’s wife and children — his family — inside. Cal:

watching them from the outside, looking in.

It’s touching. It’s complicated. It’s horribly painful.

INSIDE… Tracy looks at her kids, thinks of something.

She steps into the KITCHEN, closes the door, and DIALS

her phone. Cal leans toward the window, suspicious.

OUTSIDE… Cal’s phone rings. He jumps to silence it.

NOTE: Surface action covering that Tracy is missing Cal too.

CONTINUED:

Hello?

TRACY

Hi, Cal.

Silence. Cal is looking at her inside. She has no idea. *

TRACY *

So… I’m in the basement. I’m *

trying to get the water heater *

working ‘cause the pilot’s out and *

I don’t know how to relight it. *

Obviously, Cal sees she’s not in the basement.

NOTE: Subtext: Tracy is lying because she only wanted to hear Cal’s voice. And Cal knows she’s lying but plays along because it loves that she misses him as he misses her.

*

TRACY *

I’m sorry to bother you, I just… *

what do I do? *

Cal lowers the phone, looks at her, hesitates. Then: *

CAL *

It’s fine, it’s fine. I’m glad *

you called. Here: I’ll walk you *

through it. *

(then) *

Do you see the little grey door? *

TRACY *

Yeah. *

CAL *

Pull it down. *

She pantomimes this in the kitchen. *

TRACY *

Okay, it’s down. *

CAL

Now, you see the red button? I

wrote ‘push’ on it?

TRACY

I got it.

CAL

Push. Now turn that to the right

and stick the match in.

TRACY

Oh, there it goes!

79 CONTINUED: (2)

Good. Now just close the door and

you’re good to go.

Silence. The charade is over. Now what?

NOTE: The “relighting the pilot light is over.” Now they are both sad because they’ll have to hang up. They say other words, but the audience knows that they are mutual in their feelings.

TRACY

Well, thanks, Cal. I…

appreciate your help.

CAL

No, anytime. Call anytime with

stuff like that.

(awkward beat)

Talk to you later?

TRACY

Yeah. And… thanks again.

Cal HANGS up. He takes one final look back at his wife

as the sprinklers go off in the backyard and douse him.

NOTE: This scene is all subtext because they don’t say what they mean, but we know what they want to say.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 10 Applying Boldness to Your Script

Lisa’s Page Turner!

What I learned is to apply as many skills as you can to fill out scenes and make them the most interesting possible.

CHARACTERS for “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time & finding him dead.
Character Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success.

PETER WINTERS

Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status

Character Logline: Peter is a war veteran hero who is about to lose his snowmobile business due to no snowfall, and he knows that Santa Claus is real from his time in the government, so he will use that knowledge to try to save his business.

JANIE WINTERS

Traits: Juvenile, Moody, Cute

Subtext: Wants to have a happy Christmas with her family

Character Logline: Janie is the 7-year-old daughter of Mary & Peter who has clung to her sister for support during her parent’s divorce and has swings in mood.

RUTHIE WINTERS

Traits: Strong, Protective, Perceptive

Subtext: Wants to protect her little sister and not have them act like their aunts.

Character Logline: Ruthie is the 10-year-old daughter of Mary & Peter who watches out for her little sister and mom and worries about her father a lot.

*SKILLS USED: Countdown, Warning; Fear, Hope; Visual, then Internal; Setup for later Payoff; Promise an even that matters and delay the delivery.

*PREVIOUS SCENE: Peter (Mary’s ex-husband) has breakfast in Ma Jenkin’s Boarding House where he lives. Ma hands him his mail as he is leaving which turns out to be a final notice on his snowmobiling shop.

EXT-MA JENKIN’S BOARDING HOUSE SIDEWALK-DAY

Ma’s old Victorian Boarding House is set way back from the street. Peter is on Ma’s front walk. He rips open the red envelope and pulls out the letter. Peter’s face falls and he tears up as he reads it.

CLOSE-UP ON THE LETTER

The line that is highlighted (like in an old movie) is “Mr. Winters you have until December 25^th to comply, or the bank will take possession of the Winters snowmobile shop.”

EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY

Peter is in a trance and continues staring at the letter and walking at the same time. Never a good idea. He steps off the curb and tires screech!

INT-SUV-DAY

MARY

(jolting forward) Jesus!

JANIE

Mom!

MARY

Are you alright?

Janie and Ruthie shake their heads yes.

MARY

Stay in the car!

As Mary jumps out of the SUV…

JANIE AND RUTHIE

(yelling and waving through the windshield) Dad! Hi Daddy! We miss you! I love you, daddy!

MARY

Jiminy Christmas, Peter! I almost ran over you!

PETER

(stunned) Oh. Wow.

Seeing his daughters in the SUV, Peter lightly waves at them.

MARY

What’s the matter with you? Are you back on drugs or something?

PETER

Why do you always go there? I just got some bad news that’s all.

Mary notices the letter in his hand.

MARY

Is that the bad news?

Mary tries to snatch it. Peter stuffs it in his pocket.

PETER

Never you mind.

MARY

What is it?

PETER

You never seem to get it. (in her face) We’re divorced.

Peter walks over to the side of the SUV and waves at the girls. The girls open the sliding door.

MARY

(to the girls) Don’t you get out of that car!

JANIE

Hi Daddy!

RUTHIE

Hi Daddy. How are you?

Peter reaches in the SUV and tightly squeezes each of the girls with tears in his eyes because of the bad news he just got. Mary paces back and forth in front of the SUV watching Peter.

PETER

I miss you little ladies

RUTHIE

We miss you too.

Peter sees the tablet in Ruthie’s hand.

PETER

What are you doing?

RUTHIE

We’re waiting for Santa to fly.

Peter takes the tablet and stares at the screen. He recognizes it because he used to work at NORAD.

PETER

I remember that well.

Peter hands the tablet back to Ruthie.

MARY

Pete, can I speak to you for a second? Please?

PETER

Be good at school today little ladies.

Peter kisses each girl on their head.

JANIE

When will we see you again?

PETER

Soon baby.

RUTHIE

Promise?

PETER

I promise.

Peter sadly closes the SUV sliding door. He meanders to the front of the vehicle where Mary is waiting.

MARY

Listen, I wanted to make sure you’ll be over on Christmas Day. The girls really want to see you on Christmas.

Peter nonchalantly glances at his pocket.

PETER

I can’t commit to anything right now.

MARY

Geez! I can never get a straight answer out of you. (anxiously) I have to get them to school. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’ll call you.

Mary starts to walk away, then turns back around.

MARY (CONTINUED)

(in pig Latin) IXNAY on ANTA A, okay?

PETER

I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t tell them. You, IXNAY on ANTA A!

They pause realizing how stupid they sound. Then they chuckle. It’s their long-time secret.

MARY

Okay wise guy.

Mary hurries around the SUV and jumps into the driver’s seat, starting the vehicle and driving away.

MARY (CONTINUED)

(yelling out the window) And stay out of the street!

Peter standing in the middle of the street watches as they drive away. Tires screech! Peter jumps and turns around.

ERNIE

(out his car window) For Pete’s sake, Pete! Get out of the street!

PETER

Sorry, Ernie!

Peter crosses the street to the sidewalk. Ernie shakes his head and drives off slowly.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 9 Being Bold: Writing with Attitude

Lisa’s Writing is Bold!

What I learned is that there are endless ways to express emotion, boldness, attitudes, character traits, etc. I get to choose, but sometimes the choosing is the hardest part.

1. ORIGINAL HALF-PAGE from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”:

INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Mary enters the Snowmobile shop. Tilly is going over paperwork.

MARY

Where’s Peter?

TILLY

What do you want?

MARY

To talk to Peter.

TILLY

He’s busy.

MARY (walking into the back room)

Is he in the back?

TILLY (stepping in front of Mary)

I said he was busy.

MARY (in Tilly’s face)

As you well know, “Aunt Tilly”, we have children together and when I need to talk to Pete, you’re not going to stop me.

TILLY

Well, I’m taking care of him now and you’re not going to upset him.

MARY

Mother would be so proud. (pushing by her) Peter?!

2. ATTITUDE OR EMOTION: “ANGRY DETERMINATION”

INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Mary storms into the Snowmobile shop and makes a beeline for the back room where Peter does the repairs. Tilly is going over paperwork at the counter.

MARY

Peter?!

TILLY

What do you want?

MARY

(ignoring) Peter! Are you back there?!

TILLY

He can’t see you today.

MARY (walking towards the back room)

Is he in the back?

TILLY (stepping in front of Mary)

I said he is busy!

MARY (in Tilly’s face)

As you well know, “Aunt Tilly”, we have children together and when I need to talk to Pete, you’re not going to stop me!

Mary pushes Tilly away.

TILLY

Well, I’m taking care of him now and you’re not going to upset him with your histrionics!

Tilly pushes Mary.

MARY

Mother would be so proud of you!

Mary being twice Tilly’s size, booty bumps Tilly out of the way. And races into the back room before Tilly can get upright again.

MARY

Ha! (running to the back) Peter?!

3. DIFFERENT ATTITUDE OR EMOTION: “SISTERLY SNARKINESS”

INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Mary scoots into the Snowmobile shop hoping not to see Tilly, but there she is at the counter going over paperwork.

MARY

Hi Til, where’s Peter?

TILLY

What do you want?

MARY

I need to talk to him about the girls if you don’t mind. It’s important.

TILLY

Sorry, Mar. He’s busy right now.

MARY (walking toward the back room)

Is he in the back?

TILLY (stepping in front of Mary)

I said he was busy. Come back later. (moving towards the door) I’ll tell him you stopped by.

MARY

As you well know, “Aunt Tilly”, we have children together and when I need to talk to Pete, you’re not going to stop me.

TILLY

Well, I’m taking care of him now and you’re not going to upset him. He’s doing something IMPORTANT.

MARY

(sarcastically) Mother would be so proud that you’ve taken my leftover husband. (pushing by Tilly) Peter?!

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 8 Emotional Description

Lisa’s “Extreme emotion!”

What I learned is stopping and asking myself ‘what do I want to convey in this scene, literally and emotionally’ keeps me from writing too much but writing enough to get the action and overall feeling across.

CHARACTERS:

PETER WINTERS

Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status

Character Logline: Peter is a war veteran hero who is about to lose his snowmobile business due to no snowfall, and he knows that Santa Claus is real from his time in the government, so he will use that knowledge to try to save his business.

MA JENKINS

Traits: Steadfast, Wise, Giving

Subtext: Ma wants to repay the world for her rough and hell-raising days of her youth. She needs to show the town that she’s worthy of forgiveness.

Character Logline: Ma Jenkins is a Black woman of 81 years old, and she opens her home and her kitchen to the down and out in town as well as those just passing through.

SKIPPER ABLE

Traits: Juvenile, Curious, Cute

Subtext: Wants to know what’s going on at all times. Hates to be left out.

Character Logline: Skipper is Ma Jenkins’ 5-year-old Black grandson who loves staying at grandmas because she has a boarding house where he can meet all kinds of strange people who tell him about the world.

AKIO MCGEE

Traits: Numb, Self-conscious

Subtext: Wants to find the basics every day – food and shelter. Maybe the occasional handout or to make a friend.

Character Logline: Akio is a 47-year-old bi-racial man who looks older due to the rugged life he’s leading and chooses to ignore how he got here.

SCENE from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”

INT-JENKINS BOARDING HOUSE KITCHEN-MORNING

MA JENKINS is an 81-year-old Black woman whose roadmap of a face shows her years of hardship. She’s at the 1960’s gold stove whipping up a hearty breakfast for her main guest. Enter PETER WINTERS, a tall 40-year-old, the man Mary saved from drowning 3 years ago, and Mary’s brooding ex-husband who is also a war veteran. SKIPPER ABLE is Ma’s curious 5-year-old grandson whom Ma is watching for the day. As Peter enters the kitchen…

MA

Skip! Stand up.

SKIPPER

Why?

MA

(hitting Skipper’s arm) Stand up, a war hero is entering the room.

PETER

Good morning.

MA

Skip.

SKIPPER

Good morning.

MA

(scoldingly) Good morning, what?

SKIPPER

(exaggerating) Good morning, SIR.

PETER

Please sit down.

Ma glares at Skipper as if to say, “don’t you dare!”

Peter sits at the old wooden wobbly table on the bench side against the cloudy window of the tiny kitchen. The old Victorian needs loads of remodeling, starting with the kitchen.

MA

(to Skipper) You may sit now.

Skipper sits in the chair at the end of the table. Skipper stares at Peter. Ma places Peter’s breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast in front of him. Then serves Skipper. Peter pushes the eggs around…he really doesn’t like to eat breakfast, but he does it to show respect for Ma.

PETER

Good as always, Ma

MA

Glad you like it. You have work today?

PETER

I’m heading over to Mr. Reed to work on his porch and Mrs. Thomas asked me to stop by to look at her lawn. I’ll probably stop at the rectory to see if pastor Frank needs anything too.

MA

Sounds like a busy day.

There is a knock on the back door of the kitchen. Ma opens the door. A disheveled and somewhat dirty hobo is standing there in a torn coat with a plastic trash bag in his hands. He appears to be of some ethnicity, but it’s hard to tell below the dirtiness. It is common for those jumping the rails to stop by because of Ma’s famous hospitality.

MAN

Ma’am. I heard you could give a man something to eat if I knocked on your door.

MA

No one is turned away here. (hands the man a hand towel) Wash up out there and leave your bag.

The man goes to a garden hose and washes up. He stands at the back door waiting for permission to enter.

MA

Come on in and sit down now.

MAN

Ma’am, I can’t pay.

MA

No matter. Come on in.

The man enters the kitchen and sits in one of the peeling mixed matched chairs across from Peter. Ma’s fixing the man a plate. Skipper makes a face at the man.

SKIPPER

What is your name, SIR? (emphasizing the sir for Ma)

MAN

Akio McGee. What’s yours?

SKIPPER

Skipper Able.

AKIO

Fine name, Skipper Able.

Akio raises and shakes hands with Peter. Peter doesn’t flinch because he is used to meeting strange men in Ma’s kitchen…happens almost every day.

PETER

Peter. (shaking hands) Akio. That’s an unusual name.

AKIO

It’s Japanese. My mother was Japanese, my father black.

PETER

(without looking up from his plate) We’re all something. I’m always saying I’m going to do one of those ancestry things, but I’ve never gotten around to it. Ma, what are you?

MA

Don’t you know you’re not supposed to ask a lady that?

PETER

(to Akio) That means she doesn’t know either.

MA

I know I’m Black and that’s all I need to know in this world.

PETER

(embarrassed) I shouldn’t have asked.

Ma has given Akio his breakfast and he is shoveling it in…probably hasn’t eaten for days. Ma puts more eggs on his plate.

AKIO

Thank you, ma’am.

MA

(to Peter) Oh, I almost forgot to give you your mail.

Ma takes the red envelope out of her apron pocket and hands it to Peter. Peter stares at it frozen, petrified. Skipper leans up on the table.

SKIPPER

Well, aren’t ya going to open it?

PETER

I’ve got to head over to Mr. Reed’s. Thanks for the breakfast, Ma.

MA

You’re welcome. If you get hungry later, I’m making chili in case we get more company.

Ma motions to Skipper to stand up. Skipper slowly, loudly pushes his chair away from the table and stands. Peter stuffs the envelope in his pants pocket. He busses his place and takes his dishes to the sink. Then hurries out the back door.

SKIPPER

(Looking out the back door) Why’s he always in such a hurry?

MA

He’s a busy man, helping out people every day in this town.

Ma comes to the back door and looks out too. The old Victorian house is set way back from the street with a long walk. They watch Peter slowly going down the walk reading his letter.

MA (CONTINUED)

I sure hope he can get his shop working again and meet a nice lady friend. (turning to Skipper) You take note Skip, there goes a great man who has sacrificed a lot for many, a war hero, a conscientious father, a friend to all. Don’t matter that he has some problems.

Ma leans down to Skipper’s face and pauses to take in his youthful face…and smiles.

MA (CONTINUED)

He is loved.

Ma kisses Skipper’s nose.

MA (CONTINUED)

Now get upstairs and get ready for school.

Skipper starts off down the hallway toward the front foyer and the staircase, then turns around and walks back to the kitchen.

SKIPPER

Goodbye, Mr. McGee, SIR.

AKIO

Mind your teachers, Skipper.

Skipper runs full steam to the foyer again and up the stairs.

MA (CONTINUED)

(yelling after Skipper) And don’t forget to brush your teeth! (turning to Akio) Can I get you some more eggs and bacon, Mr. McGee?

AKIO

Ma, you are a fine cook. I wouldn’t mind just a little more if you can spare it.

MA

(with a hearty laugh) No one goes hungry at Ma Jenkin’s!

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 7 Vivid Visual Description

Lisa’s Visuals

What I learned is there are a million ways to say something. Finding the most interesting words and phrases is not an easy task. Sometimes the words just come to you and sometimes you have to work and re-work the phrases.

PART ONE –

MOVIE: Description from “Something’s Gotta Give”: 20 pages of descriptions

crosses in front of a stack of cabs, sheer dress clinging to her remarkable body, spills out of a Bar and onto the sidewalk, A Confident Knock Out in jeans and a tank, what is it about him? Could be his eyes, the turn of his mouth…something about this guy is just so damn appealing. Maybe it’s just the way he wears the Young Slinky Girl on his arm. He’s confident, cool, enviable, A CHIC EATERY, everybody is somebody here. snaps to attention, luckiest son of a bitch on earth, positively debonair, a BEATEN SIXTY-YEAR-OLD dines with his AGE APPROPRIATE, WELL-FED WIFE, regular looking, nothing-to-write-home-about WOMAN IN HER FIFTIES. a 63-YEAR-OLD BATTLE AX, built just like Harry,

convertible bursts into FRAME, a thoroughbred of a girl, An “IT” Girl. Smart, sexy, and built for fun, to see if’ she caught that. This brand of cool is about not playing that card. long lilting grass, It’s the perfect beach house. He’s one of those guys that lets you kiss them. It’s one of those great Beach Houses. Light filled and warm with spectacular views of the sandy landscape, the requisite Hampton’s deck complete with pool and ocean view, warmly decorated GUEST BEDROOM, She playfully rolls, She bounces off him like a kid and disappears, stands with a stiffness that for the first time suggests he is not a that young man. Well stocked, the best of everything,

a poster girl for growing old. It’s actually hard to imagine 55 looking any better, she looks 35, but because she makes 55 look graceful and right. Erica is the “girl most likely” who went beyond expectations but didn’t realize until recently that being sure of herself was a handicap. She doesn’t try to be intimidating, she just is. Zoe’s the loose one. She wears draw string pants and a T-shirt that says, “BOYS LIE”. Zoe FUMBLES the phone over to Erica, wandered in here, like high on Ecstasy…? She was in the Israeli army. She can break you in half. shoots her Mom a look, obviously a penis substitute, he shtupped everything that moved…

The clientele in here is as rich looking as the food, Part of her “Keep Busy, Don’t Look Back” program, Almost woozy, Erica is snapped out of it, high strung, over-amped, controlling, know it all neurotic. . . Some people just don’t fit the mold, I’ve escaped the noose for so long. adorable lanky girl, be a curse, you’d be an old maid, a spinster, blah, blah, blah…

PART TWO –

Five Sentences for improvement from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”:

1. Mary’s firefighting partner is BERT WINTERS, her former brother-in-law.

CHANGE TO: Mary’s firefighting partner is BERT WINTERS, 45 a small-town guy who is the strong & silent type and he’s Mary’s former brother-in-law, but you won’t see any animosity between them, Bert the peach, likes peace.

2. Mary looks at Bert and makes a scary face.

CHANGE TO: Trying to squash her fear, Mary screws her face up until she’s a monster!

3. Then MARY pops up and with all her might she lifts the MAN up.

CHANGE TO: Then Mary shoots out of the torrent of water. And with the strength of an Olympic weightlifter, she lifts the Man up until he breaks the surface.

4. MARY and the MAN lie in the pouring rain on the bank of the river.

CHANGE TO: Like two beached seals, Mary and the Man lie in the thunderstorm on the rocky bank of the river catching their breath.

5. See I’m an overachiever and Violet has always been jealous of me.

CHANGE TO: See I’m a go-getter and Violet doesn’t like to get her hands dirty. She wants to do things the easy way and is jealous that I have the resolve to do anything and get it right.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 6 Uncertainty (part 2)

Lisa’s Hope/Fear in action

What I learned is the back and forth of the hope and fear adds depth to the scenes. It allows all the characters participate because they all have a point of view…hope or fear.

PETER WINTERS

Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status

Character Logline: Peter is a war veteran hero who is about to lose his snowmobile business due to no snowfall, and he knows that Santa Claus is real from his time in the government, so he will use that knowledge to try to save his business.

TILLY MILLS

Traits: Serious, Realist, Helpful

Subtext: Stability: Wants a lasting relationship

Character Logline: Tilly is Peter’s girlfriend and sister to Mary who is trying hard to help Peter and move their relationship along.

SANTA CLAUS

Traits: Jolly, Concerned, Loyal

Subtext: Love: Wants to pull off Christmas without a hitch

Character Logline: Santa Claus must deliver presents all over the world on Christmas eve.

Situation: Peter has kidnapped Santa Claus and Tilly is there to make sure he doesn’t hurt Santa. They have jumped a freight train going from the Canadian border to Seneca Falls, NY.

Goal: Peter will have Santa go down chimneys and steal gifts, then he has a guy, Sower who will sell the gifts for him and give him the money. If Santa won’t do it, Peter will get him to tell him how he does it, so he can do it himself…or else he will tell the world that Santa is real.

Main Threat: If Santa gets away then the plan is over. Getting caught. Dash and Don from NORAD are on their tails, but Peter and Tilly don’t know it. But Santa knows because he signaled to Mrs. Claus to contact them as he was being kidnapped.

INT-FREIGHT TRAIN-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa have hopped a freight train. The doors are open and it’s a beautifully warm day.

Tilly takes a water bottle out of her backpack and gives Santa some water.

(HOPE)

She offers some to Peter who pushes it away.

(FEAR)

TILLY

(to Santa) Are you doing, okay?

(HOPE)

Santa shakes his head, yes.

PETER

Stop it.

(FEAR)

SANTA

What life must be like for someone who doesn’t smile. Our pasts often keep us from moving forward. Maybe you’d like to talk about it, Peter?

(HOPE)

PETER

No, I would not like to talk about it. There’s too much talking!

(FEAR)

SANTA

What you went through must have been horrific. But you saved all of those men and women in your unit. You are a true hero, Peter!

(HOPE)

PETER

Stop talking! I don’t want to hear about my heroism!

(FEAR)

SANTA

(to Tilly) Seems I’ve hit a nerve. Okay. Then how about those two lovely daughters of yours? Janie and Ruthie, you’ve done a wonderful job with them.

(HOPE)

PETER

That was Mary, not me. I did nothing.

(FEAR)

SANTA

You were there, trying every day, Peter. Janie and Ruthie are crazy about you. They are lucky to have their father in their lives. I know! I see single parents out there working overtime to be both father and mother to their children. And orphans who have no parents and are suffering. Your daughters are well adjusted and that’s as much you, as Mary.

(HOPE)

PETER

That’s a nice sentiment Santa, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve lost my wife and I’m soon to lose my shop and then it’s only a matter of time before I’ll lose my daughters too!

(FEAR)

Santa looks at Tilly who shakes her head.

SANTA

Tilly, do you think Peter is a loser?

TILLY

What? Uh, no Santa, I think he’s been through a lot and needs our compassion.

(HOPE)

PETER

I see what you’re trying to do. I’m not falling for your sap. Either one of you.

(FEAR)

SANTA

You touch lots of lives Peter. Let’s see…I can think of Ma Jenkins who you’re helping fix up that old Victorian of hers. Or there’s the pastor Frank. You’re always stopping by to see if he needs the pews wiped down or help with the plumbing in the rectory. Ah, didn’t you help the mayor when her car broke down last month? Well, I could go on and on. I’m just saying that you are important and a necessary angel for many people in your life. What would they do without you?

TILLY

(quietly) You are loved, Peter.

(HOPE)

Peter has been resting against a pile of straw and listening to Santa. He wipes a tear away.

PETER

(getting up) It’s irrelevant right now. I have a mission and you’re not going to stop me with a bunch of sentimental hogwash.

(FEAR)

SANTA
I thought if you went to this extreme then you must be hurting very much.

(HOPE)

Peter has had enough. He lunges at Santa.

TILLY

NO!

Peter grabs Santa by the fur collar. Tilly tries to pry his hands off of Santa.

PETER
You’re not here as my shrink. Get that right now! You’re going to help me or else I will expose you to the world! I will go on tv and social media and tell them all about you and your operation. You know I can. I’ve seen it and I have proof. I took photos.

(FEAR)

SANTA

Okay. I will stop talking, but I know what’s in your heart and I’ll never stop trying to help you.

(HOPE)

Peter lets go of Santa.

PETER

(in frustration) URGH! Don’t forget I have a gun and my heart won’t stop me from using it!

(FEAR)

Tilly tries to console Peter. Peter hugs her.

(HOPE)

But then Peter realizes that he has to keep up the front and pushes her off. The speed of the train has slowed way down.

(FEAR)

PETER

(ordering) Get ready to jump!

Peter and Tilly grab their backpacks and stand Santa up. They hang out the train to look for a point to jump.

PETER

Now!

The three of them jump off the train and roll.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 5 UNCERTAINITY

Lisa’s Uncertainty

What I learned is that keeping the tension in the scene between hope and fear is exciting. It can help move the story along in a suspenseful way.

MOVIE: “It’s a Wonderful Life”

George was about to leave town on his honeymoon when he and Mary see that there’s a run on the bank. George goes into his Building & Loan to see what’s going on.

INT. POTTER’S OFFICE

CLOSEUP – POTTER ON PHONE

POTTER

If you close your doors before six P.M. you will never reopen.

He realizes George has hung up, and clicks the phone furiously.

(FEAR)

INT. GEORGE’S OFFICE – DAY

CLOSE SHOT – GEORGE AND UNCLE BILLY

UNCLE BILLY

George, was it a nice wedding? Gosh, I wanted to be there.

GEORGE

Yeah…

(looks at string on

Uncle Billy’s finger)

…you can take this one off now.

An ominous SOUND of angry voices comes from the other room. George and Uncle Billy exit from George’s office.

INT. OUTER OFFICE – BUILDING AND LOAN – DAY

MEDIUM CLOSE SHOT

More people have crowded around the counter. Their muttering stops and they stand silent and grim. There is panic in their faces.

(FEAR)

GEORGE

Now, just remember that this thing isn’t as black as it appears.

(HOPE)

As George speaks, sirens are heard passing in the street below. The crowd turn to the windows, then back to George.

GEORGE

I have some news for you, folks. I’ve just talked to old man Potter, and he’s guaranteed cash payments at the bank. The bank’s going to reopen next week.

(HOPE)

ED

But, George, I got my money here.

CHARLIE

Did he guarantee this place?

(FEAR)

GEORGE

Well, no, Charlie. I didn’t even ask him. We don’t need Potter over here.

(HOPE)

Mary and Ernie have come into the room during this scene. Mary stands watching silently.

CHARLIE

I’ll take mine now.

(FEAR)

GEORGE

No, but you… you… you’re thinking of this place all wrong. As if I had the money back in a safe. The money’s not here. Your money’s in Joe’s house…

(to one of the men)

…right next to yours. And in the

Kennedy house, and Mrs. Macklin’s house, and a hundred others. Why, you’re lending them the money to build, and then, they’re going to pay it back to you as best they can.

Now what are you going to do?

Foreclose on them?

(FEAR)

TOM

I got two hundred and forty-two dollars in here, and two hundred and forty-two dollars isn’t going to break anybody.

MEDIUM CLOSE SHOT – ANOTHER ANGLE

GEORGE

(handing him a slip)

Okay, Tom. All right. Here you are.

You sign this. You’ll get your money in sixty days.

(HOPE)

TOM Sixty days?

(FEAR)

GEORGE

Well, now that’s what you agreed to when you bought your shares.

There is a commotion at the outer doors. A man (Randall) comes in and makes his way up to Tom.

RANDALL

Tom… Tom, did you get your money?

TOM

No.

RANDALL

Well, I did. Old man Potter’ll pay fifty cents on the dollar for every share you got. (shows bills)

(HOPE)

CROWD

(ad lib)

Fifty cents on the dollar!

RANDALL Yes, cash!

(HOPE)

TOM

(to George)

Well, what do you say?

GEORGE

Now, Tom, you have to stick to your original agreement. Now give us sixty days on this.

TOM

(turning to Randall)

Okay, Randall.

He starts out.

MRS. THOMPSON

Are you going to go to Potter’s?

TOM

Better to get half than nothing.

(HOPE)

A few other people start for the door. CAMERA PANS WITH

George as he vaults over the counter quickly, speaking to the people.

GEORGE

Tom! Tom! Randall! Now wait… now listen… now listen to me. I beg of you not to do this thing. If Potter gets hold of this Building and Loan there’ll never be another decent house built in this town. He’s already got charge of the bank. He’s got the bus line. He’s got the department stores. And now he’s after us. Why? Well, it’s very simple. Because we’re cutting in on his business, that’s why. And because he wants to keep you living in his slums and paying the kind of rent he decides.

(FEAR)

The people are still trying to get out, but some of them have stood still, listening to him. George has begun to make an impression on them.

GEORGE

Joe, you lived in one of his houses, didn’t you? Well, have you forgotten? Have you forgotten what he charged you for that broken-down shack?

(to Ed)

Here, Ed. You know, you remember last year when things weren’t going so well, and you couldn’t make your payments. You didn’t lose your house, did you? Do you think Potter would have let you keep it?

(turns to address the room again)

Can’t you understand what’s happening here? Don’t you see what’s happening? Potter isn’t selling. Potter’s buying! And why? Because we’re panicky and he’s not. That’s why. He’s picking up some bargains. Now, we can get through this thing all right. We’ve got to stick together, though. We’ve got to have faith in each other.

(FEAR AND HOPE)

MRS. THOMPSON

But my husband hasn’t worked in over a year, and I need money.

WOMAN

How am I going to live until the bank opens?

MAN

I got doctor bills to pay.

MAN

I need cash.

MAN

Can’t feed my kids on faith.

(FEAR)

During this scene Mary has come up behind the counter. Suddenly, as the people once more start moving toward the door, she holds up a roll of bills and calls out

MARY

How much do you need?

George jumps over the counter and takes the money from Mary.

(HOPE)

GEORGE

Hey! I got two thousand dollars! Here’s two thousand dollars. This’ll tide us over until the bank reopen.

(to Tom)

All right, Tom, how much do you need?

TOM

(doggedly)

Two hundred and forty-two dollars!

GEORGE

(pleading)

Aw, Tom, just enough to tide you over till the bank reopens.

(HOPE)

TOM

I’ll take two hundred and forty-two dollars.

(FEAR)

George starts rapidly to count out the money. Tom throws his passbook on the counter.

GEORGE

There you are.

TOM

That’ll close my account.

GEORGE

Your account’s still here. That’s a loan.

(HOPE)

Mary turns and slips out through the crowd, followed by Ernie. George hands the two hundred and forty-two dollars to Tom, and speaks to Ed, the next in line.

GEORGE

Okay. All right, Ed?

ED

I got three hundred dollars here, George.

Uncle Billy takes out his wallet and takes out all the cash he’s got.

GEORGE

Aw, now, Ed… what’ll it take till the bank reopens? What do you need?

ED

Well, I suppose twenty dollars.

(HOPE)

GEORGE

Twenty dollars. Now you’re talking.

Fine. Thanks, Ed.

(to Mrs. Thompson, next in line)

All right, now, Mrs. Thompson. How much do you want?

MRS. THOMPSON

But it’s your own money, George.

(FEAR)

GEORGE

Never mind about that. How much do you want?

(HOPE)

MRS. THOMPSON

I can get along with twenty, all right.

GEORGE

(counting it out) Twenty dollars.

MRS. THOMPSON

And I’ll sign a paper.

GEORGE

You don’t have to sign anything. I know you’ll pay it back when you can. That’s okay. (to woman next in line)

All right, Mrs. Davis.

MRS. DAVIS

Could I have seventeen-fifty?

GEORGE

Seven…

(he kisses her)

Bless your heart, Of course you can have it. You got fifty cents? (counting) Seven…

(HOPE)

WIPE TO:

INT. OUTER OFFICE BUILDING AND LOAN – NIGHT

CLOSE SHOT

George, Uncle Billy and Cousin Tilly are behind the counter, watching the minute hand of a clock on the wall as George counts off the seconds. Cousin Eustace is ready to close the door.

UNCLE BILLY

(excitedly)

We’re going to make it, George.

They’ll never close us up today!

(FEAR)

GEORGE

(counting)

Six… five… four… three… two…

one… Bingo!

Cousin Eustace slams and locks the door, and scurries around the counter to join the others.

GEORGE

We made it! Look…

(holds up two bills)

… look, we’re still in business! We’ve still got two bucks left!

Uncle Billy is taking a drink out of his bottle.

GEORGE

Well, let’s have some of that. Get

some glasses, Cousin Tilly.

(to Uncle Billy)

We’re a couple of financial wizards.

UNCLE BILLY

Those Rockefellers!

GEORGE

Get a tray for these great big important simoleons.

UNCLE BILLY

We’ll save them for seed. A toast! They raise their glasses.

GEORGE

A toast! A toast to Papa Dollar and to Mama Dollar, and if you want the old Building and Loan to stay in business, you better have a family real quick.

COUSIN TILLY

I wish they were rabbits.

GEORGE

I wish they were too. Okay, let’s put them in the safe and see what happens.

The four of them parade through the office; George puts the two dollars in the safe.

(HOPE)

CLOSE SHOT – GROUP AROUND THE SAFE DOOR

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 4 HOOKS

Lisa’s Hooks

What I learned is it’s beneficial to go back to scenes and rewrite them when you learn a new skill. I’ve written this scene 3 times since the class started and it’s gotten better each time. The hook can only be successful if you care about the characters.

CHARACTERS:

MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.
Character Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success.

BERT WINTERS

Traits: Loyal, Basic, Quiet

Subtext: Peace: Wants harmony between the family members but is afraid that everyone is being torn about around him and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

Character Logline: Bert is a volunteer firefighter, small-town guy of few words and big brother to Peter who worries incessantly about his brother ever since he returned from overseas with PTSD.

PETER WINTERS

Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status

Character Logline: Peter is a war veteran hero who is about to lose his snowmobile business due to no snowfall, and he knows that Santa Claus is real from his time in the government, so he will use that knowledge to try to save his business.

SAM WELLS

Traits: Dependable, Kind

Subtext: Wants to be there to do the right thing for anyone who needs assistance.

Character Logline: Sam is black and a butcher by trade, but also a volunteer firefighter who is always there to help anyone, so Sam is known all over town as “the guy” when you are in need.

COREY SANTOS

Traits: Spunky, Curious

Subtext: Wants to shine as a volunteer firefighter to show Sam that he is worth training and can do it.

Character Logline: Corey is Mexican American and a recent high school grad and novice volunteer firefighter who looks up to Sam and wants to be like him when he grows up.

VERSION 3 – OPENING OF “MARY’S CHRISTMAS”: HOOK

FADE IN

MARY WINTERS (VOICEOVER)(Sarcastically)

Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY IN THE POURING RAIN

SHOTS OF MAIN STREET LIT UP AT NIGHT. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls”. For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it…

Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

Well, the church marks the end of downtown, except if you look across the street you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…

SHOT OF THE FRONT OF THE IAWL MUSEUM

SHOT OF THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

Oh no. There it is the George Bailey bridge sitting in the middle of town and haunting us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…

LONG SHOT OF THE FIRE TRUCK DRIVING IN THE POURING RAIN

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

There I am.

CLOSE UP AND STOP FRAME ON MARY’S FACE (ala IAWL)

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York. I am a mom, a sister, a daughter, a winery-worker, a community activist, a volunteer firefighter…and an ex. Here I am driving the fire truck about 3 years ago. I remember this night as if it were yesterday because this night changed my life forever…

EXT-MAIN STREET SENECA FALLS, NY-NIGHT

The firetruck, which appears to be on its last leg, is driving fast along Main Street. When Mary and her partner think they’ve spotted something on the George Bailey bridge. It’s hard to see in the pouring rain. Mary pulls up to the edge of the bridge and stops the truck. The headlights light up the bridge. It is a tall MAN in his 40’s who is up on the railing and appears to be dressed in an old-fashioned white nightgown ala Clarence in IAWL.

EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

BERT

Is that who I think it is?

MARY

Oh, for god’s sake! Give me a rope and I’ll go talk to him.

BERT

You sure you don’t want me to do it?!

MARY

You know I have to do this Bert!

BERT

But it’s awful high up and your fear of…

MARY

(cutting him off) …Yeah, I know. But I volunteered to try to get over it. Now’s as good an opportunity as any.

Mary looks at Bert and makes a scary face. Bert hands Mary a rope. Mary ties the rope around her waist. Mary and Bert jump out of the truck. Bert turns to tie Mary to the bumper of the fire truck but sees there is no longer one there. It was ripped off at the last fire and they hadn’t had time to replace it. So, Bert ties Mary to the bridge railing. Mary approaches the man standing on the railing.

MARY (yelling over the rain)

Hey there! What ’cha doing?

MAN

(slurring) I can’t go on like this!

MARY

If you jump, you’re going to hurt yourself. There are rocks down there! What about your children? Do you want to leave them without a father?

MAN

You take care of them…(looking toward the fire truck) or Bert!

MARY who is tied to the railing, then ties herself to the MAN.

MAN

Get off of me!

MARY

Your children need they’re dad. Come on down and let’s talk about it.

MAN

No more talking!

The man jumps off the bridge and Mary goes too because they are tied together. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the rope isn’t long enough to hit the water, so they are hanging in the rain above the water and the rocks below.

MARY

Now what are you going to do! I thought angels could fly!

The MAN tries to untie the knot in the rope. Another FIRETRUCK arrives on the bank of the river and shines a light on the situation.

MAN

I haven’t got my wings yet. Let me go!

MARY

There is no way I’m letting you drop without me and I’m not going into that cold water! Bert! Bert!

BERT looks over the railing but can’t do anything. He’s not strong enough to pull them both up by the rope.

MARY

(Screams)

Bert!!

MARY and the MAN fall into the running river with rocks around them. MARY is holding onto the MAN with dear life and trying to swim to the shore.

MARY

I’m going to hurt you when we get out of this!

MAN

Let me go!

MARY

Sam!! Pull us out!

SAM WELLS, a black man and butcher by trade and COREY SANTOS, a 19-year-old Mexican American man wade into the water to throw them a line. MARY and the MAN go under. Then MARY pops up and with all her might she lifts the MAN up.

SAM

Grab the line, Mary!

MARY

He’s fighting me!

MAN

Let me go!!

SAM

Sock him!

MARY twists herself and punches the MAN in his face as hard as she can. He stops fighting her long enough for her to grab the line. SAM and COREY wade in far enough to grab MARY and the MAN. MARY and the MAN lie in the pouring rain on the bank of the river.

MARY

What the hell are you thinking!!

MARY starts hitting the MAN. The MAN starts to cry.

MARY

(still hitting him) what about Janie? What about Ruthie? You know who would have to tell them what happened to you? ME! Stop crying, will ya!!

MARY pulls the MAN toward her. MARY holds the MAN tight as he sobs.

MARY

(feeling badly) Stop crying, Peter. I won’t hit you anymore. You’re okay, I’ve got you.

An ambulance arrives and the paramedics jump out and go to Mary and PETER.

FADE OUT

OVER OPENING CREDITS

That event was three years ago, and it lit a fire under me. Peter and I divorced soon after and it’s been a world wind ever since. And this year for the first time I’m in charge of the It’s a Wonderful Life annual festival.

You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do!! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the last 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.

Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. I tried to get out of it, but no one else wanted the job. Well, except for Violet. I COULDN’T let Violet have it. She’s been after everything “ME” since kindergarten. See I’m an overachiever and Violet has always been jealous of me. So, I have no choice but to suck it up and put on the best dawg gone festival ever!

(MARY makes gagging noises)

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 3 SUSPENSE

Lisa’s Suspense

What I learned is that suspense can be added to any scene through anticipatory dialogue and the pacing of the action.

CHARACTERS:

MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.
Character Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success.

POLICE –

SIOBHAN (pronounced Sha-vonne)

Traits: Athletic, Outspoken

Subtext: Do the right thing is Siobhan’s motto but it’s not easy when she’s tested every day. She loves her work because she helps people and her community.

Character Logline: Siobhan is a hardworking and hard playing scrappy gal who works twice as hard as her male co-workers and has developed a tough, but fair persona.

LUIS

Traits: Positive, Shy

Subtext: Squash any insecurity and show a happy face to everyone no matter the horrific situation.

Character Logline: Luis is shy at first until you get to know him, then he’s the life of the party. Luis is proud of his service to the town.

TOMMY

Traits: Tough, Skeptical

Subtext: Never let them see you sweat is Tommy’s motto. He’s not fond of his little boy’s name because he thinks it’s weak, but he couldn’t get people to make the transition to calling him just Tom.

Character Logline: Tommy is the hard-nosed boss who finds it hard to show a soft side especially when faced with a serious issue.

The Promise: Help with finding Peter and Santa
What matters: Finding Peter before he does something he’ll regret
The delay: The police don’t believe that Peter is dangerous; they laugh at her about Santa Claus

Scene 52 of “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”:

INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

MARY enters the police station where three officers are sitting around. Mary runs up to SIOBHAN.

MARY

Siobhan, I need your help.

SIOBHAN

Is it about the festival? We have 10 officers all along Main Street.

MARY

It’s Peter, I have to find him.

SIOBHAN

I haven’t seen him.

MARY

No, I mean he might be in trouble.

SIOBHAN

Might? He’s probably over at Martini’s. Or have you checked his shop?

MARY

I was married to the guy; I know his usual places and he’s not at any of them.

SIOBHAN

I’m sure he’ll turn up.

MARY

No! you don’t understand! I have to find him as soon as possible.

LUIS comes over to the desk.

LUIS

Hi Mary, how’s the festival going?

MARY

Have you seen Peter?

LUIS

Hmm. I think I did see him. Let me think.

MARY

I need to find him now!

LUIS

I saw him earlier today down on Main.

MARY

What time was that?

LUIS

Well, let me think…

TOMMY comes over too.

TOMMY

Mary, how’s it going?

MARY

Have you seen Peter?

TOMMY

Hmm. No, I don’t think I’ve seen him for a couple of days. What seems to be the matter?

Mary turns around and pauses, thinking, then turns back around.

MARY

(blurting it out) He’s kidnapped Santa Claus!

Siobhan, Luis, and Tommy stare at her for a moment. Then they all burst out laughing.

TOMMY

(composing himself) Okay Mary, I think the stress of running the festival has gotten to you. Why don’t you have a sit here?

Tommy points to a chair.

MARY

I don’t need to sit Tommy. I need to find Peter!

LUIS

(chuckling) And Santa…

Mary just looks at him with a “I know it sounds insane” look.

SIOBHAN

Look Mary, when and where was Peter last seen?

MARY

I’m not sure. I’ve been so busy, and the town is swamped with people… (her voice trails off)

A few moments of silence with the police giving each other “she’s lost it” looks.

MARY

(rousing) Stop laughing at me! I’m not crazy and I haven’t lost it! We have to save Santa before Peter does something to him!

LUIS

There are a lot of Santa’s in town because of the Santa run. Maybe it’s one of those Santa’s?

MARY

It’s the real Santa I’m looking for. You see Peter knows Santa. They used to work together.

The police look at each other.

SIOBHAN

How about we let our people out on the street know to keep an eye out for Peter. Well, let you know if anyone spots him.

MARY

Thanks, Siobhan.

Siobhan looks at Luis. Luis gets on the horn.

LUIS

This is Luis at the station. Everyone, keep an eye out for Peter Winters. I repeat look for Peter Winters and…(pausing) um, if he’s with someone, detain them and let us know.

SIOBHAN

There you go Mary. We will look out for Peter and let you know if we find him.

MARY

I’m worried about him. You know he isn’t always himself.

TOMMY

We know you still care for him. I mean, he’s your baby daddy.

Mary, Luis, and Siobhan all look at him surprised it came out of his mouth.

MARY

What am I doing? I’ve got to find them before it’s too late!

Mary runs out.

The three police are quiet for a minute and then they burst out laughing.

SIOBHAN

Poor Mary, she’s lost it! Besides there’s got to be a hundred Santa’s running around town.

LUIS

(pointing) There’s a Santa! There’s another Santa! Look over there, a Santa!

They all laugh.

TOMMY

Well, now I’m curious about Pete and his “condition”. I think I’ll take a drive.

Tommy grabs his keys and heads out the door. Siobhan and Luis chuckle and go back to their desks.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 2 Anticipatory Dialogue

Lisa’s Anticipatory Dialogue

What I learned is that while it was a challenge to try to get all of the forms of anticipatory dialogue, it was fun too. This made sense to me to push the story along by making the scene include clues and foreshadowing in the dialogue.

CHARACTERS:

PETER WINTERS

Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status

Character Logline: Peter is a war veteran hero who is about to lose his snowmobile business due to no snowfall, and he knows that Santa Claus is real from his time in the government, so he will use that knowledge to try to save his business.

TILLY MILLS

Traits: Serious, Realist, Helpful

Subtext: Stability: Wants a lasting relationship

Character Logline: Tilly is Peter’s girlfriend and sister to Mary who is trying hard to help Peter and move their relationship along.

BERT WINTERS

Traits: Loyal, Basic, Quiet

Subtext: Peace: Wants harmony between the family members but is afraid that everyone is being torn about around him and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

Character Logline: Bert is a small-town guy of few words and brother to Peter who worries incessantly about his brother ever since he returned from overseas with PTSD.

MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.
Character Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success.

VIOLET MILLS

Traits: Competitive, Manipulative, Conspiring, Seductive

Subtext: Jealous; Afraid of being alone so tries hard to find love

Character Logline:

ANNIE LEE

Traits: Loyal, Dependable, Diplomatic, Insecure

Subtext: Self-deprecating. Wants to be the best friend in the world, but thinks she falls short. Is insecure about her relationships all around.

Character Logline: Annie is Mary’s closest friend, but she is very tough on herself as she tries to help with the festival, Mary’s big ‘to marry or not to marry’ decision, and her on again, off again relationship with her boyfriend, Ernie.

JOSEPH BISHOP

Traits: Intelligent, Stubborn, Happy, Refined
Subtext: Fear: Afraid of losing Mary and her girls

Character Logline: Joseph doesn’t give up when he wants something in business or in his personal life and Mary gives him a real challenge, but his unrelenting happy disposition doesn’t always agree with Mary’s sarcastic personality.

HARRY MILLS

Traits: Curmudgeon, Blunt, Independent, Flirt

Subtext: Knows his days are numbered now that his wife died. He plans to make the most of it. Loves the ladies and hopes to get to all of them before the end.

Character Logline: Harry is Mary’s father who is a bit of a drunk and not always supportive of Mary and he misses his wife terribly but tries not to show it.

Plus, various Townspeople filling Martini’s Bar including MARGE the server

Scene 18 of “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”:

INT-MARTINI’S BAR-NIGHT

Martini’s Bar is a large, crowded bar and everyone in town congregates there for conversation, drinking, dancing, and the occasional karaoke. It’s the night before the festival starts and it’s packed. The locals have their tables and stools already steaked out, so there’s a line out the door. PETER and TILLY push past the out-of-towners to get to the bar stools where BERT, Peter’s brother, sits.

BERT

(yelling over the crowd and music)

Saved you a stool, man!

PETER

Thanks.

TILLY

Hey Bert. (leans over and gives him a peck on the cheek) I’m going to join the ladies, see you later.

Tilly gives Peter a peck on the cheek too and heads over to a large, round table occupied by VIOLET and ANNIE.

The bartender hands Bert another beer and gives one to Peter too. Peter drinks half of it down in one suck.

BERT

We got all night.

PETER

Naw, I can’t stay long. I got things to do.

BERT

You okay?

Peter hits Bert on the shoulder

PETER

Come on man. You know me, I’m great.

BERT

I DO know you and you don’t seem great to me.

PETER

I’m trying to keep it together, Bro but you don’t make it easy with all the questions.

BERT

You can talk to me, you know that.

PETER

It’s not the time or place, is it?

BERT

There’s never a good time or place. This is as good as any. Look around almost everyone who loves you is here.

PETER

Not everyone.

Bert laughs because he knows he’s talking about Mary and his daughters.

BERT

Janie and Ruthie aren’t allowed in a bar, yet.

PETER

Never! (laughs, drinks, then goes quiet)

BERT

What are you plans?

PETER

I have to get out of my current situation before I can even think about plans.

BERT

I mean tomorrow.

PETER

(angrily) Has Tilly been talking to you?!

BERT

No. But maybe I should?

PETER

No, no. Sorry. I don’t know what I’m going to do. (getting teary-eyed) I lost my family and now I’m about to lose my business. A number one loser right here!

BERT

So, there’s a reason mom called me Underdog and you Charlie Brown (pause), but we always bounce back.

Peter laughs through his tears.

BERT

(getting close to Peter’s face) Have you been taking your meds?

PETER

(sullenly) Yeah, for the most part.

BERT

You gotta take them all the time, man. You know that.

PETER

I don’t like how I feel…kinda lethargic.

BERT

It doesn’t matter, if you don’t take them then you can relapse and (talking like a kooky Dracula) I don’t want to commit you again to the insane asylum.

PETER

I don’t want you too either. (wiping away tears)

CUT TO THE LADY’S TABLE

Violet and Annie are talking while Tilly stares at Bert and Peter wondering what they’re talking about at the bar. MARGE leaves some beers on the table and Violet throws her a tip.

VIOLET

Here ya go, Marge.

TILLY

(to whomever is listening) I hope he doesn’t ruin Christmas for all of us.

ANNIE

Who? Bert?

TILLY

(coming out of her trance) No. Peter.

ANNIE

How’s that?

TILLY

I can’t talk about it. I’ve been sworn to silence. But it could be catastrophic.

Tilly motions locking her mouth and throwing away the key. Then takes a big swig of her beer.

ANNIE

I hope if it’s that big a deal you would tell everyone so we can get the hell out of town.

TILLY

I can’t say.

ANNIE

Okay then. We can’t worry about something we don’t know about.

Annie takes a drink.

CUT BACK TO BERT AND PETER AT THE BAR

PETER

(wiping tears) I can’t lose the girls, Bert.

BERT

Come on. You’re not going to lose those girls. They love you, man. You know that and Mary promised she won’t keep you from them.

PETER

What if she changes her mind?

CUT TO BAR DOOR OPENING

MARY enters the bar.

TOWNSPEOPLE

Mary! Hey, Mary! Sing for us, Mary!

Mary waves like she’s a politician. She sees her Dad, HARRY pushing up on one of the older ladies at the bar and shakes her head. She sees Bert and Peter in deep conversation and decides not to go over there. She heads to the lady’s table.

MARY

Hey, can I sit?

There’s some tension between Mary and Tilly since Tilly is dating Mary’s ex.

TILLY

Free country.

Mary rolls her eyes, takes off her coat, and sits. Mary and Violet are long time rivals even though they’re sisters too.

VIOLET

(sarcastically) Don’t you have work to do? The festival isn’t going to run itself.

MARY

I think I have time for a drink.

VIOLET

Just one. You have to be perky for the festival opening tomorrow.

MARY

I can take care of myself, little sister.

Mary motions to Marge for her usual. Mary looks around again.

ANNIE

Where’s Joe?

MARY

He’ll be along, I suppose.

ANNIE

(smiling big) He’ll be here is he knows you’re here. Are you ready for the big day?

MARY

The clock is ticking, isn’t it. We shall see tomorrow if I’m capable. If not, I’ll probably be run out of town on a rail.

Marge leaves Mary a glass of rose on the table. Mary sips.

Harry stumbles over.

HARRY

Well, well, my girls all together! Glad to see you getting along…for a change!

MARY

Hi, Dad. See you’re still making friends in all the low places.

HARRY

I should be the mayor of Seneca Falls! (laughs)

VIOLET

I think you think you are, dad.

Mary and Tilly laugh.

HARRY

I dare you girls to get up there and sing!

VIOLET

That sounds like a challenge dad.

HARRY

I bet not one of you could get up there and let go. Of course, everyone in town knows that Mary is the best singer of you three.

VIOLET

What?!

TILLY

No, she’s not!

HARRY

(leaning down to Mary’s face) Come on, girly-girl. Do it for your old dad, pleeeese.

Mary contemplates it.

ANNIE

We love it when you sing.

MARY

Joe’s not here.

ANNIE

He’ll be along, then maybe you can sing again.

Peter is staring at Mary as she stands.

HARRY

There you go, Mar!

Harry plops down in Mary’s chair and starts the applause for Mary. Mary goes up to the stage against the back wall of the room. She’s picked a Christmas tune, Kelly Clarkson’s “To The One I Used To Know.” It’s about loss love, so melancholy for a Christmas song. Applause stops as Mary starts to sing. Peter stands up and watches her.

MONTAGE of Mary in happier times; Mary and her mother baking, Mary and her sisters playing in the snow as kids, Mary and Peter in their youth, the births of Janie and Ruthie, Peter’s deployment to Iraq, and his return.

JOSEPH enters the bar and stands in the back watching Mary sing about her past. Joseph looks over at Peter standing with tears flowing down his face.

MONTAGE continues with Mary outside on a snowy night alone.

Mary finishes the song with a big note. Everyone stands and applauds Mary with howls.

TILLY

(to Violet) Maybe she does sing better than us.

Tilly heads over to the bar. Harry shakes with laughter and wipes a tear from his cheek.

HARRY

(yelling) That’ a girl, Mary!

Tilly stands in front of just looking at what a mess he is. She grabs their coats.

TILLY

(to Peter) Say goodbye to Bert.

Bert grabs Peter and gives him a bear hug.

BERT

Love ya, man

Peter can’t speak and nods same. Tilly and Peter with their arms around each other exit the bar. Mary sees them go. Then she spots Joseph standing near the door and goes over to him.

MARY

(giving him a half hug) I didn’t see you here.

JOSEPH

I got here right after you started, I guess.

Joseph is not his usual jovial self.

MARY

Oh good. I didn’t want to sing without you here.

JOSEPH

Looks like you were singing to Peter.

MARY

What? No, of course not. Yeah, it’s a song about the past, but not about Peter.

JOSEPH

You better be careful. I might get jealous of Peter one of these days.

MARY

No way. (guffaws) You have nothing to worry about. Now come have a drink. We have to leave soon, so I can get some sleep before the big event tomorrow.

Mary jokingly makes an “I’m scared” face. Violet and Annie go onstage and start singing a Christmas song and the whole bar sings along. Marge comes over to the table to take Joseph’s drink order.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 1 Causing Anticipation – Making Your Script a “Page Turner”

Lisa’s Anticipation Scene

What I Learned is that this scene is tight. There are only actions and words that move the scene along and build the tension. Nothing extraneous to draw away from the main event.

Movie: “The Family Man” written by David Diamond and David Weissman

Up to this point:

Jack has been introduced as a Manhattan business power player. A bachelor and a “player”, he lives in a very expensive modern apartment with a huge closet to store his $2,000 suits. Up to this point, Jack has proven he’s a savvy, witty hard-nosed wheeler, and dealer. In a prior scene he tells his secretary that he was once in love with Kate, but she moved overseas and that was it.

Scene 20:

INT. WONG BROTHERS’ DELI – SECONDS LATER

Jack walks into the brightly lit deli…

SAM WONG, 20s, is with his 80-year-old GRANDFATHER

behind the counter. There’s a NERDY COLLEGE KID at the

salad bar, a drunken DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA at the

liquor display, a WOMAN with a BABY in an aisle and…

…a BLACK MAN, 30s, with a dollar sign and the name

“CASH” tattooed on his arm, stands in front of the

coffee machine…

CASH

Oh yeah…yeah, yee-ah! She’s

a certified winner…paper-

thin but good as gold…

Jack notices Cash talking to himself, seemingly crazy.

NOTE: What’s this coffee guy up to?

Jack approaches Sam Wong at the counter.

JACK

Egg nog?

SAM WONG

(pointing)

Dairy case. Five dollar.

CASH

(in the b.g., to

Sam Wong)

Y’all do the lotto here…?

`Cause I got me a winner…I

know, I know, Lotto keeps the

black man down… but not

me…

Jack grabs a carton of egg nog, then notices Cash

handing Sam Wong his ticket. Jack heads back toward

the counter…

CASH (CONT’D)

…06…14…18…48…right

there. Four numbers…that’s

two hundred and thirty eight

dollar…

(a smile)

Merry Christmas and shit…

SAM WONG

(barely looking

at ticket)

Ticket bad. You draw in lines

with pencil.

CASH

What’re you talkin’ about?

SAM WONG

(throwing the ticket

back)

You draw lines with pencil! I

know about this!

NOTE: Uh oh, what’s this guy going to do if the merchant won’t take it?

The woman with the baby looks over…the college kid

looks up, nervous…the drunken Santa, bottle of

bourbon in hand, starts to walk by Jack…Jack

instinctively puts an arm out, holding the Santa

back…

NOTE: Jack knows that something is up.

CASH

What!? Look at the ticket…!

SAM WONG

Get out, I call 911.

The Santa looks at Jack, confused.

CASH

You’re lookin’ at me, you’re

not even lookin’ at the

ticket!

NOTE: Everyone in the store is now quietly on alert!

The woman with the baby puts a loaf of bread back on

the shelf, starts nervously inching toward the door.

SAM WONG

You leave now. Take ticket

somewhere else.

(calling out)

Next customer in line…!

NOTE: Sam has just dismissed Cash; how will he react?

CASH

You first generation,

xenophobic, money-theistic,

hot pastrami sandwich

making…

SAM WONG

(screaming)

Get out!

Just watching…Cash shoves the ticket in Sam Wong’s

face…

CASH

LOOK AT THE GODDAMN TICKET!!

NOTE: Will Jack or someone else intervene? Or will they run?

A moment of decision for Jack. Then…

JACK

(carefully)

Let me see that ticket.

Cash turns to Jack.

CASH

(menacing)

Was I talkin’ to you?!

NOTE: Oh no! Now Jack is going to get Cash’s wrath.

Jack looks at the woman, the college kid, the Santa,

then…

JACK

Maybe I’ll buy it from you.

NOTE: Jack is calm on the outside, but we can see he’s worried on the inside. How will Cash react to his interference?

Now Cash walks over to Jack…

CASH

Guy in $2,000 suit gets ass

kicked tryin’ to be a hero.

Film at eleven…

(then…turning to

the coffee machine)

What?! Oh no, not another

lookie-loo. You know how big

a job this is?

The patrons exchange nervous glances…Jack watches,

confused.

CASH (CONT’D)

You’re double bookin’ me!

You’re gonna get double

billed! Shit!

Cash throws a bottle of Perrier against the wall, it

SHATTERS. The woman reels back in terror with the

baby…

NOTE: Violence is happening!

JACK

Hey, c’mon…

In a flash, Cash whips a .38 from the back of his

pants, aiming it at Jack’s face. The woman SCREAMS,

covers her baby.

CASH

(in Jack’s face)

Do you want to die?

Jack stares at Cash, trying his best to keep his

cool…

CASH (CONT’D)

DO YOU WANNA DIE?!

JACK

No.

CASH

(a smile)

Yes you do…

JACK

Look, I’m talking about a

business deal here. I buy the

ticket for two hundred, take

it to a store where the guy

behind the counter…

(glaring at Sam Wong)

…doesn’t have a death wish

(back to Cash)

…I just made myself a quick

thirty eight dollars.

NOTE: Will Cash take Jack’s deal or shoot him?

Cash gets closer…

JACK (CONT’D)

Like I said, it’s a business

deal…

CASH

Damn, you are the real

thing…

Cash narrows his eyes…then, a smile as he puts the

gun back into his pants…

CASH (CONT’D)

C’mon, Jack, let’s get outta

here…

(to Sam Wong)

You were lookin’ at me, papa,

you shoulda been lookin’ at

the ticket. That ticket was

legit, B. You’re fake…

Cash starts out of the deli. Jack follows…

NOTE: Whew! But what will happen outside? And how did he know his name was Jack?

21 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET – MINUTES LATER

Jack and Cash walking down the street…Jack, holding

his carton of egg nog under his arm, counting out two

hundred dollars…

JACK

How’d you know my name was

Jack?

CASH

I call all you white guys

“Jack.”

NOTE: Does Cash call all white guys Jack?

Jack nods…

CASH (CONT’D)

You know you seem pretty

relaxed for a guy who just had

a gun pulled on him.

JACK

There’s no way I was gonna die

in that deli…

(off Cash’s look)

Let’s just say I’ve been on a

lucky streak lately.

CASH

(a big LAUGH)

A lucky streak, huh?

Jack hands him the money.

CASH (CONT’D)

Sound pretty sure of yourself,

don’t you?

Jack nods.

CASH (CONT’D)

So you’re telling me, you’ve

got a gun to your head and you

don’t think for one second,

what if this, what if that,

maybe I shouldn’t do this, I

shoulda done that.

JACK

I don’t do that. That’s just

not for me…

NOTE: Who is this Jack down deep that he has so much confidence even with a gun in his face? An interesting character.

CASH

Cash looks at him, then smiles.

Okay, Jack. Nice doing

business with you…

Cash is about to take off…

JACK

Hey…

Cash turns around.

JACK (CONT’D)

What do you want to carry that

gun around for, anyway?

You’re just gonna do something

you’ll regret…

CASH

You want to talk about

regrets, you’re talking to the

wrong person.

NOTE: Is Jack going to counsel Cash? The nerve of this rich, white guy.

Jack casually takes the egg nog out of the bag, opens

the carton…

JACK

I’m just saying that you seem

like a smart guy. At a

certain point you’re gonna do

something, and then there’s no

turning back…

CASH

Yeah, in most cases that’d be

true.

Jack takes a sip of the egg nog.

JACK

I mean there must be programs

out there, opportunities…

CASH

(a deep laugh)

Wait a minute, wait a

minute… you’re tryin’ to

save me?

A look from Jack…

CASH (CONT’D)

Oh man, you’re serious…

(out to the street)

This man thinks I need to be

saved!

JACK

Everyone needs something.

NOTE: Is Jack going to offer Cash something else?

Cash looks at Jack…

CASH

Yeah? What do you need?

JACK

Me?

CASH

You just said everyone needs

something.

JACK

I’ve got everything I need.

NOTE: We know Jack actually DOES have everything…or does he?

CASH

Wow. It must be great being

you. You got it all.

Cash looks at Jack. He smiles and shakes his head.

JACK

Look, I’m not saying you’d be

able to do it without some

hard work…

CASH

(a hearty LAUGH)

You still think this is about

me, don’t you?

JACK

Sure it’s about you. But it’s

about society, too.

CASH

Oh man, I’m gonna enjoy this

one… Just remember, Jack,

you did this. You brought

this on yourself…

And with that, Cash turns and leaves Jack alone on the

street with his egg nog…

NOTE: What? He’s going to enjoy this one. “You brought this on yourself”. Have we seen the last of Cash?

22 INT. JACK’S APARTMENT – LATE NIGHT

Jack walks in and throws his keys on a table. He takes

off his gloves and overcoat, glances at the mail, then

heads into the bedroom.

Through the large windows we see snow falling…

23 INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – LATE NIGHT

Jack, flat on his back in bed, fast asleep…

NOTE: What is going to happen to Jack next?

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 10 APPLYING DRAMATIC DEVICES TO YOUR SCRIPT

Lisa is being Dramatic!

What I learned is that adding as many dramatic devices makes the script more exciting.

See comments at end of script *Note: Don’t want to make this Christmas movie too violent. Think Hallmark.

CHARACTERS:

PETER WINTERS

Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status

Character Logline: Peter is a war veteran hero who is about to lose his snowmobile business due to no snowfall, and he knows that Santa Claus is real from his time in the government, so he will use that knowledge to try to save his business.

TILLY MILLS

Traits: Serious, Realist, Helpful

Subtext: Stability: Wants a lasting relationship

Character Logline: Tilly is Peter’s girlfriend and sister to Mary who is trying hard to help Peter and move their relationship along.

SANTA CLAUS

Traits: Jolly, Concerned, Loyal

Subtext: Love: Wants to pull off Christmas without a hitch

Character Logline: Santa Claus must deliver presents all over the world on Christmas eve.

MRS. CLAUS

Traits: Tenacious, Helpful, Loyal

Subtext: Support: Prepares for the delivery of presents

Character Logline: Mrs. Claus supports Santa Claus and assists the elves in preparing the presents for delivery.

*Prior to this scene Peter has told Tilly his plan to kidnap Santa Claus, but she doesn’t think it’s real. She believes the situation has to do with his PTSD, so she went along on the trip to keep an eye on him.

EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

PETER (Mary’s ex-husband) and TILLY (Peter’s girlfriend) arrive at Santa’s workshop on snowmobiles. They lay back so they can’t be seen.

TILLY

(shocked) I didn’t believe that this place existed, but now that I see it, we can’t do this!

PETER

Calm down. It’s going to be easy.

TILLY

How is it going to be easy? Let’s go home!

PETER

I know that the NORAD agents don’t arrive until tomorrow to monitor the flight. And because I know him.

TILLY

Everyone knows him.

PETER

Let’s go.

Peter pulls out a gun.

TILLY

You didn’t say you would have a gun! Let’s go!

Tilly pulls on his sleeve. Peter puts the gun back in his pocket.

PETER

You can leave if you want to.

Tilly looks around and contemplates leaving.

TILLY

I’m not going in there!

PETER

Stay here then.

Peter runs through the snow to the front of the building.

PETER

SANTA! Come out here!

The door cracks open and an ELF peeks out.

ELF

Hello. How can I help you?

PETER

I need to speak to Santa. NOW!

The Elf closes the door. Peter looks around and pulls out the gun. SANTA CLAUS opens the door surrounded by elves. Peter puts the gun behind his back.

SANTA CLAUS

Hello! How can I help you son?

PETER

I need to speak to you ALONE.

SANTA

We are family. You can speak to me in front of them. They won’t tell.

Santa pushes out a big belly laugh.

PETER

(getting irritated) I’m giving you one more chance to get rid of them so we can speak alone.

SANTA

Very well. (to the elves) Please go back inside.

Peter waits until the elves shut the door.

PETER

Santa, I need you to come with me.

SANTA

Oh, I can’t do that. It’s almost Christmas eve!

PETER

Get on the snowmobile.

SANTA

What is it? Are you hurting my lad?

PETER

(losing patience) Santa, I’m not asking you. (pulling out the gun) I’m telling you.

Peter points the gun at Santa.

TILLY

NO! (running to them) Don’t do it Pete!

Tilly tries to pull the gun away from him. But he pushes her off and she falls into the snow.

SANTA

Pete, Peter. I know you. Where do I know you?

TILLY

(getting up) You really do know him! He says he was assigned to you when he worked at NORAD.

SANTA

Oh, my goodness! Peter Winters. Of course, I remember you. A very serious fellow. I was always trying to get you to smile.

PETER

Get on the snowmobile.

SANTA

Peter, you don’t want to do this. Why don’t you and your friend come inside? We can have some cocoa and talk about old times.

PETER

We have to go. (putting the gun to Santa’s face) Get on the snowmobile. If you don’t, I will tell the world of your existence. Do you want this place swarming with paparazzi?

SANTA

Oh. Um.

PETER

Now!

A couple of elves are looking out the window. They run to tell MRS.CLAUS.

TILLY

(nervously) It’ll be alright.

Peter puts Santa on the back of his snowmobile and places a blindfold and helmet on him. Tilly jumps on her snowmobile and puts on her helmet.

As Peter puts on his helmet and is about to get on the snowmobile, Mrs. Claus and the elves come out the workshop door.

MRS. CLAUS

What are you doing?! Santa!

The elves rush Peter.

PETER

(pointing the gun at the elves) Stay back!

The elves stop in their tracks.

MRS. CLAUS

No! Don’t shoot! Where are you taking him?

Peter doesn’t answer.

SANTA

(yelling) Mrs., you know what to do!

Peter jumps on the snowmobile as the elves scream.

ELVES

Santa! Where are you going? Come back! It’s almost Christmas! What do we do! Help!

MRS. CLAUS

(yelling to Santa) I know what to do!

Peter with Santa and Tilly speed away on the snowmobiles.

MRS. CLAUS

(to the elves) We have a call to make. We have to hurry! Get me the cell phone!

An elf brings Mrs. Claus her cell phone. She presses the number.

MRS. CLAUS (continued)

Hello, NORAD…get me Mr. Blitz…

FADE OUT

—————————————————————————————-

COMMENTS

The scene changed several times as devices were added such as adding the gun, adding Tilly’s attempt to stop Peter, adding the elves trying to stop Peter too.

Dramatic Devices used:

Conflict/Tension –

Have the main character want something that is difficult to get or achieve.(PETER)

Present an internal and external conflict. (TILLY)

Conflict Checklist –

Is one or more character going for some kind of goal that is important to them or avoiding some kind of pain/problem? (PETER)

Dramatic Irony –

Reveal something important to the audience that one or more of the characters don’t know. Have that information be critical to the success or failure of the characters who don’t know. (MRS. CLAUS calls NORAD)

Twists –

Someone changes sides. (TILLY)

Setup/Payoff –

Foreshadowing upcoming events. (Mrs. Claus has called the government; What will happen to Peter and Santa?)

Settings that add Drama –

What setting would provide that feel and/or enhance that conflict? (NORTH POLE)

Misleads and Reveals –

Make a list of things you want to reveal in the scene –

Peter knows Santa and Santa remembers him; Tilly and the audience didn’t believe there was such a place as the North Pole or a real Santa; Peter has been there before and knows when the government agents will arrive; Peter has a gun.

Give your scene a future –

Create suspense – worry about some future incident. (What will happen to Santa? And Christmas?)

A twist that requires us to read farther. (Mrs. Claus calls the government)

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 9 Create A Future For Your Scene

Lisa Creates a Future!

What I learned is that creating the future leads to anticipation and a wondering with the audience. Seems to go hand in hand with all the other devices, especially misleading and revealing.

CHARACTERS

MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.
Character Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success.

ANNIE LEE

Traits: Loyal, Reliable, Diplomatic, Insecure

Subtext: Self-deprecating. Wants to be the best friend in the world, but thinks she falls short. Is insecure about her relationships all around.

Character Logline: Annie is Mary’s closest friend, but she is very tough on herself as she tries to help with the festival, Mary’s big ‘to marry or not to marry’ decision, and her on again, off again relationship with her boyfriend, Ernie.

SCENE:

EXT-FROZEN POND-DAY

MARY and ANNIE are sitting on a bench chaperoning kids as they skate around on the ice. They are drinking coffee from a thermos. Mary’s daughters JANIE and RUTHIE are skating too.

ANNIE

How’s it going with Joe?

MARY

Fine.

ANNIE

Has he proposed lately?

MARY

(chuckles) It feels like he proposes every other day. What can I say? He’s obsessed with me.

ANNIE

You know, one of these times you’re going to HAVE to say yes.

MARY

I don’t want to think about that.

ANNIE

Why not! (dreamingly) He’s so handsome and romantic.

MARY

Getting sick of Ernie, are you?

ANNIE

No! Ernie is great. But Joe is a wow.

Mary laughs.

MARY

I’m just not ready yet.

ANNIE

You run the risk of him not asking you again!

MARY

I have been pushing my luck, haven’t I?

ANNIE

Yeah. He’s not going to wait on you forever.

MARY

I know. I DO love him. I’m just afraid…because of the divorce.

ANNIE

Joe is not Peter. Joe will take care of you. And in grand style I must say!

MARY

I keep saying that the girls aren’t ready. But they get along with Joe so well. Almost better than I do!

They laugh. Mary looks at the girls skating.

MARY (continued)

They do seem to be adjusting well to the new situation.

ANNIE

They’ve had 3 years! Don’t you think it’s time for a Seneca Falls wedding? It’s been a few years.

MARY

Oh, the idea of planning another wedding is scary.

ANNIE

It doesn’t have to be fancy. And everyone will help.

MARY

(smiling) I’ll think about it.

ANNIE

(singing) We’re going to have a wedding! We’re going to have a wedding!

MARY

One small problem…he hasn’t proposed again, and I haven’t said yes.

ANNIE

An insignificant detail.

Mary laughs. As Janie and Ruthie come over and sit next to her.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 8 Misleads and Reveals

Lisa’s Misleads/Reveals

What I Learned is that misleading and revealing adds a playfulness to the dialogue. It assists the story in not being predictable.

CHARACTERS

Peter Winters

Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status

Tilly Mills

Traits: Serious, Realist, Helpful

Subtext: Stability: Wants a lasting relationship

(*Peter is a war hero who suffers from PTSD and is on medication for it. Tilly is his girlfriend)

INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter is collecting items he’ll need for a trip and placing them in a pile on his workbench. Tilly enters.

TILLY

Hey.

Peter doesn’t reply.

TILLY (continued)

What are you doing?

PETER

Nothing.

TILLY

We still going to Martini’s tonight.

PETER

I guess.

TILLY

Well, I’m looking forward to it.

Peter is thinking hard about his plan and can’t be bothered.

TILLY (continued)

Are you okay?

PETER

Fine.

TILLY

You’re awfully quiet.

PETER

Hmm

TILLY

Don’t get mad. Have you taken your meds today?

PETER

M-hmm

TILLY

Good.

PETER

I think I’m going to take off for a couple of days.

TILLY

It’s almost Christmas.

PETER

I know. But I need some time alone. I think I’ll go up north and camp.

TILLY

Alone. What about the girls and Christmas?

PETER

I’ll be back by Christmas Day.

TILLY

Is that your plan for campgrounds? (pointing to a piece of paper he has in front of him)

PETER

Yeah. Peter puts it in his pocket.

TILLY

Can I see it?

PETER

Naw. I won’t be alone if you know where I am.

TILLY

I know you. You’re planning something.

PETER

Don’t be so paranoid. I’m just going to take a little break.

TILLY

From me?

PETER

From everything, not just you.

TILLY

Do you think that’s a good idea with your…um, history?

PETER

I’ll be fine. I promise I’ll take my meds.

TILLY

I can come with you.

PETER

That defeats the purpose of being alone.

TILLY

You’ve been kind of uptight. What’s going on?

PETER

The less you know, the better.

TILLY

I can’t continue to hang around if you don’t trust me.

Peter sighs and hangs his head.

PETER

Okay, but you can’t tell anyone. Promise me.

TILLY

I promise. Why so mysterious? You’re scaring me.

PETER

(grabbing her arms) Listen. I mean it. You can’t tell!

TILLY

(breaking free) Okay. Okay.

PETER

I’m going up north.

TILLY

Rochester?

PETER

Further

TILLY

Toronto?

PETER

Further

TILLY

(exasperated) Just tell me.

PETER

(stops) I’m going to the North Pole.

Tilly has a good laugh.

TILLY

Uh, you know that doesn’t exist, right?

PETER

It exists. I’ve been there.

TILLY

(staring at Peter) I’m going to call your doctor. Maybe he can check your dosage? (looking at her phone)

PETER

I know what I’m talking about.

TILLY

Okay. So, if it exists, why do you want to go there now?

PETER

I have a plan to see Santa Claus.

Tilly laughs.

TILLY

Uh. Now I’m calling the doctor.

PETER

No! You’re not calling the doctor because you promised me that you wouldn’t tell!

TILLY

I did. But that was before I knew you think that Santa Claus is at the North Pole and you’re going to see him!

PETER

I mean it!! Give me your phone!

TILLY

No!

PETER

You give it to me, or…

TILLY

Or what? Are you going to hit me?!

PETER

(shaking his head) No. Just give me your phone.

TILLY

I can’t.

Peter gets up in her face.

PETER

Do not tell anyone where I’m going.

TILLY

Okay. Why don’t I come with you, and we can take our time and enjoy the scenery?

PETER

I’m not going to “enjoy the scenery”, I’m going to kidnap Santa.

Tilly laughs harder than before.

TILLY

I don’t know what to say. Um. I…I…think you should call doctor ______.

PETER

I understand your skepticism. I haven’t explained it. (He hits himself in the head)

Tilly takes his hands.

TILLY

(worried) No, it’s okay. Explain it to me.

PETER

I don’t think I ever told you that I worked for NORAD before I went overseas during the war. I was assigned to Santa Claus when I worked there.

TILLY

That’s a job?

PETER

Me and another guy were assigned to keep an eye on Santa and make sure all the equipment used by NORAD worked.

TILLY

I…I had no idea…

PETER

Well, no one knows. It’s a secret.

TILLY

(shaking her head in disbelief) Okay, say this were true. Why do you want to kidnap Santa?

PETER

I didn’t tell anyone, but I’m about to lose the shop. I have until Christmas day to come up with what I owe, or the bank takes it back.

Peter throws the notices and red envelopes at Tilly. Tilly picks one up and reads it.

TILLY

Why didn’t you tell me?

Peter shrugs.

TILLY (continued)

What does this have to do with Santa?

PETER

Don’t you see? I know Santa exists. I can get him to do anything I want because I can tell the media and everyone that he is real. I can expose him!

TILLY

You’re going to blackmail Santa? Oh boy.

PETER

Just until I get him to do what I need.

TILLY

And what is that?

PETER

He’s going to tell me how he goes down the chimneys or I tell everyone he exists for real.

TILLY

Wait a minute. So, you’re going to go down chimneys once he tells you how he does it!

PETER

That’s the plan. Then I sell the gifts to Sower, my pawn guy, for the cash.

TILLY

This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard! (pauses) But that aside, you need to get more help. I’m calling your doctor.

Peter lunges at her and grabs her cell phone.

PETER

NO!

TILLY

Give me back my phone.

PETER

I can’t. You promised!

TILLY

I think you’re cra… (breathing deeply) Okay. How about I go with you. I’ll do what you want and just keep an eye on you and the big guy.

PETER

That sounds like a trap.

TILLY

It’s a win-win. I keep an eye on you and you keep an eye on me.

PETER

If I agree to this, you’re all in? No running around telling my doctor or the police or anyone else.

TILLY

I don’t think anyone would believe me anyway.

PETER

Okay. I can use some help with Santa.

Peter grabs the notes from his pocket.

PETER (continued)

Let’s go over the plan.

TILLY

Whatever you say.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 7 THE CRUCIBLE

Lisa’s Crucible

What I learned was that these assignments are getting harder as we go along. This was beneficial because it forced me to think about the back and forth dialogue in a forced situation for the characters.

MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.

HARRY MILLS

Traits: Curmudgeon, Blunt, Independent, Flirt

Subtext: Knows his days are numbered now that his wife died. He plans to make the most of it. Loves the ladies and hopes to get to all of them before the end.

VIOLET MILLS

Traits: Competitive, Manipulative, Conspiring, Seductive

Subtext: Jealous; Afraid of being alone so tries hard to find love

*Prior to this scene, Tilly has just told Mary that Peter has kidnapped Santa Claus.

EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

The It’s a Wonderful Life festival is in full swing, and the street is crowded. Mary has run into her father, HARRY who has been drinking.

MARY

Dad! Have you seen Pete?!

HARRY

Pete, who?

MARY

Your best friend, Peter!

HARRY

Mary, I’ve been thinking you need to make up with your sister. This competition between you has been going on for years. It’s time you make up now that mom is gone.

MARY

Dad, concentrate! Have you seen Peter?

HARRY

Violet is at the museum. Go see her now, pleeeese! Oh, you know…I remember seeing Pete over by the museum.

MARY

Are you sure?

HARRY

Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

MARY

Come on.

Mary drags Harry along with her through the crowd. As they arrive at the door to the museum…

HARRY

After you darling.

Harry holds open the door and Mary walks through. Harry closes the door from the outside and locks it with a key.

MARY

What are you doing!!

HARRY

You stay there until you and your sister make up. You need each other and I’m sick of this.

Harry stumbles off and sits on a nearby bench. Mary bounds on the door from inside.

MARY

DAD! I need to find Peter! It’s important!

Harry doesn’t budge.

INT-NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM-NIGHT

Mary looks for Violet.

MARY

Violet! Where are you?

As Mary walks by the full-sized statues of the Suffragettes, Violet steps from behind a statue.

MARY

(screaming) Aaaah!

VIOLET

Ha! (laughing)

MARY

You just love scaring me. Dad has locked me in here. Why he has a key, I don’t know, but do you have a key to let me out? I must find Peter, it’s important.

VIOLET

Dad has a key because he’s the volunteer who opens the place in the morning. I might have one too.

MARY

Well, can you let me out….please?

VIOLET

I don’t know. Dad must have had a reason to lock you in here.

MARY

He wants us to make up.

VIOLET

Well, I don’t have a key.

MARY

What?!

VIOLET (looking at her phone)

Mrs. Blaine has the key. I was to call her when I’m ready to leave. But I’ve tried calling her and she’s not picking up.

MARY

Great! Try again. I have to get out of here!

VIOLET

So dramatic!

MARY

Lives may depend on it!

VIOLET

Okay.

Violet tries to call Mrs. Blaine but she doesn’t pick up.

MARY

Text her!

VIOLET

You think I didn’t think of that? I’ve texted her 5 times already.

MARY

Oh God! What about the back door?

VIOLET

Locked.

MARY

Argh!

VIOLET

Let’s sit down.

Violet sits among the Suffragette statues. Mary stands looking at her, then throws up her hands and sits on the floor too.

VIOLET (continued)

Mom wouldn’t want us to fight.

MARY

I know. But I’m just tired of competing with you for years. You always have to cross me. You can’t just let me be in any spotlight without stealing my thunder.

VIOLET

You think you’re better than me and always have.

MARY

No, I don’t. I have more ambition than you, that’s all. (pause) Besides, you’re the one all the boys wanted. (Smiling)

VIOLET

True. But you had the smarts and everyone always backing you up.

MARY

I beg to differ. I got everything I have by working really hard…and mostly alone.

VIOLET

You’re Dad’s favorite.

MARY

You were Mom’s favorite.

MARY AND VIOLET (at the same time)

Poor, Tilly!

Mary and Violet laugh.

VIOLET

I have always been jealous of you.

MARY

Well, you are the middle child. No offense, but your jealousy has nothing to do with me. That is your feeling. I didn’t make you feel that way. (thinking) Did I?

VIOLET

I guess not. I just wanted what you had.

MARY

Divorce? Two children?

VIOLET

Not the divorce or the kids, but everything else.

MARY

UGH! My life is not that great. (pause) But I’m getting ready to make it great.

VIOLET

Are you finally going to marry Joe?!

MARY

Hmm. Not sure about that. But if I tell you this, you can’t tell anyone else.

VIOLET

Okay. What is it?

MARY

I’m selling the house! And the girls and I are moving to Albany in the Spring.

VIOLET

What?! You’re selling that beautiful house and taking the girls away from us!

MARY

Yes. I need a change since mom is gone now.

Violet slaps Mary on the arm.

MARY

Hey!

VIOLET

That’s for not letting me organize the festival if you’re leaving anyway!

MARY

(rubbing her arm) You’ll be able to do it next year…when I’m gone.

VIOLET

Cool. Mom never would give me a chance. (pause) So you haven’t told Dad?

MARY

I haven’t told anyone.

VIOLET

Not even Joe?!

MARY

You’re the first person I’ve told.

VIOLET

That’s not right. You have to give him time to get used to the idea.

MARY

And have him talk me out of it.

VIOLET

Mary, what is wrong with you? You have this tall, handsome, rich, smart guy drooling all over you. He only eyes for you and you keep pushing him away!

MARY

I think it’s too soon for the girls.

VIOLET

That’s ridiculous! Have you seen Joe with the girls? They get along great. It’s you who is holding up the train. What’s the problem?

MARY

I suppose I’m afraid.

VIOLET

Of commitment?

MARY

It’s just that it’s only been 3 years since the divorce and I’m not certain I want to get hitched again.

VIOLET

Are you still in love with Peter?

MARY

No. NO! If I’m being honest, I don’t want to be divorced twice.

VIOLET

Oh! I see. You’re afraid he’s going to leave you. He’s too good to be true.

MARY

(dreamingly) He’s awful nice.

VIOLET

I admit, if you hadn’t gotten there first, I had my eye on him.

MARY

Don’t get any ideas!

VIOLET

(laughs) Okay. I think you’re crazy!

MARY

Mutual.(laughs) One crazy family. Do you think he’s awesome? Because I do. But I don’t want to get my hopes up.

VIOLET

Oh my God! He’s definitely awesome. Don’t screw it up. Open your eyes and see him for what he is…in love with you.

MARY

I love him too. (smiling at Violet)

VIOLET

Just say yes finally! (thinking) Even though we haven’t gotten along, I don’t want you to leave. Who will I argue with every day?

Mary chuckles.

MARY

You’re not so bad…some of the time. Once you figure out your life, you’ll be fine.

Violet holds out her arms. Mary slowly gives her a hug.

VIOLET

Hey! We made up.

MARY

Dad! We’ve got to get him to open the door!

Mary and Violet run to the front glass door. They can see their dad sleeping on the nearby bench as people pass him on their way down Main Street.

MARY

DAD!!

VIOLET

DAD!! Wake up!

MARY

Dad! Look we made up!

Mary makes air kisses at Violet. And Violet does it back.

VIOLET

There’s Mrs. Blaine! Mrs. Blaine!

Mrs. Blaine comes up to the door and waves at them.

VIOLET (continued)

Open the door!

MARY

Open the door!

Mrs. Blaine digs in her purse for the key.

MARY (continued)

I have to find Peter. Can you help me? I’m going to head towards the Bailey houses.

VIOLET

Of course! I’ll head across the bridge.

MARY

Great! Thank you! Call me if you find him.

Mary and Violet hug while Mrs. Blaine unlocks the door.

MRS. BLAINE

I’m so sorry, Violet. My phone lost its charge. I didn’t have a charger with me. Thought I’d come by and see if you’re done.

VIOLET

Thanks Mrs. Blaine. Can you check on Dad over there please? (points to the bench) We have to run.

Mary runs to the left and Violet across the street to toward the bridge.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

Day 6: Settings that Add Drama

Lisa’s Amazing Setting

What I learned is that the setting can bump up the interest in scenes. It can give the actors something more to do. And it’s fun to think of all the possibilities.

EXAMPLE #1

BEFORE:

Essence of Scene: Mary is trying to find Peter and Santa. She needs Violet to help her, but the bad blood between them must be put aside.

Setting: Community Center

AFTER:

New Setting: The National Woman’s Rights Museum that has a statue hall with realistic statues of the famous Suffragettes and you can move between them. Mary and Violet meet at the statues.

How this has improved the scene: It brings to life the idea of women sticking together no matter what. If they are going to reconcile, this is the place.

EXAMPLE #2

BEFORE:

Essence of Scene: Peter runs into his ex-wife Mary and her father, Harry.

Setting: Main Street

AFTER:

New Setting: General Hardware Store

How this has improved the scene: The store gives all the characters many items to play with, buy, hold, look at to avoid eye contact. The setting makes sense because they all have items to buy for the actions in the script.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 5 Setups/Payoffs

Lisa’s Setups/Payoffs

What I learned is to work forward and then work backward too. Looking at the setups and payoffs from top to bottom and from bottom to top show you if they make sense.

MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.

HARRY MILLS

Traits: Curmudgeon, Blunt, Independent, Flirt

Subtext: Knows his days are numbered now that his wife died. He plans to make the most of it. Loves the ladies and hopes to get to all of them before the end.

PETER WINTERS

Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status

*(Challenge the Characters: Mary is being challenged by Harry, her dad.) *(Foreshadowing coming events: Mary starts to think more highly of Joe because her father doesn’t; Peter says he’s going camping, but is going to the North Pole)

INT-GENERAL/HARDWARE STORE-DAY

Mary and her father, Harry are walking around shopping and talking. Harry is looking for caulking, Mary for festival supplies like particle board, batteries, nails, etc.

HARRY

Have you seen Peter lately? I wonder how he’s doing.

MARY

I talk to him about the girls now and then. You can go see him at the boarding house anytime.

HARRY

He’s a great man. A war hero. You can’t do better than Pete.

MARY

Dad, we’re divorced. Remember?

HARRY

I think that was a mistake. You should try to get back together.

MARY

It’s not going to happen Dad. We’ve both moved on.

HARRY

It never matters who I like for you!

MARY

It matters Dad, but it matters more who I like. And the girls like…

HARRY

Peter just hit some hard times. It happens to everyone. He can bounce back. They’re saying we’re going to get snow this week!

MARY

Snow won’t change our relationship. We’re divorced. Forever. Besides he’s seeing Tilly and I’m seeing Joe.

HARRY

Joe. He’s too hoity-toity for you. He’s just the rebound guy and your boss for god’s sake!

MARY

I know, Dad. That’s why we’re trying to be discreet, but in this town it’s impossible! Everyone knows everyone’s business.

HARRY

That’s the beauty of a small town, honey. We’re friends and family. Now you get back with Peter and leave your boss alone.

MARY

(appeasingly) Sure, Dad. Whatever you say. (to herself) Joseph is looking better every day in every way.

*(Add new meaning to the setup and eventually will provide closure)

PETER crosses the aisle Mary and Harry are in.

HARRY

Pete! Pete!

Peter backs up and looks down the aisle at Harry and Mary.

PETER

Harry.

Harry scoots down the aisle. Harry and Peter hug and hit each other on their backs.

HARRY

Speak of the devil! We were just talking about you.

Mary comes up behind Harry in the aisle. She hangs her head when Harry says they were talking about him.

PETER

Oh really. All good, I hope.

HARRY

Absotootly! Good to see you boy. (looking at Peter’s supplies) Are you going camping again?

PETER

Always, Harry.

HARRY

Did you hear we’re supposed to get snow this week! You’ll be back in business in no time.

PETER

I heard. It’s probably too late for me.

HARRY

You’ll bounce back. You’re a war hero!

PETER

Thanks, Harry. I’ve got to go.

Peter scurries to the cashier in the front of the store. Mary runs after him.

MARY

Are we going to see you Christmas day?

PETER

I don’t know.

MARY

I hope you’ll be there for Janie and Ruthie.

Peter grabs his bags.

PETER

Bye.

Mary sighs and he leaves.

*(Surprise the Audience)

EXT-GENERAL/HARDWARE STORE-DAY

Peter jumps into his truck. Tilly was waiting on him.

TILLY

I saw Mary and Harry in there. Did you talk to them?

PETER

Yeah. Harry acted like we were still together. All happy to see me.

TILLY

He was always crazy about you. Did he ask what you were doing?

PETER

I told him I was going camping. I just didn’t tell them it’s at the North Pole. (starting the truck) Now let’s go get Santa!

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 4 TWISTS

Lisa’s Twists

What I learned is that having characters switch directions is not always easy. The point made in the instructions about making a twist seem natural to the story is the difficulty. You know you need to add a twist, but with an infinite possible way to go, it can be stifling. You start to doubt your choices.

Main Characters:

MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.

JOSEPH BISHOP

Traits: Intelligent, Stubborn, Happy, Refined
Subtext: Fear: Afraid of losing Mary and her girls

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>VIOLET

Traits: Manipulative, Conspiring, Seductive, Competitive

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Subtext: Jealous; Afraid of being alone so tries hard to find love

*Prior to this scene, Mary has promised Annie that she can play “Mary Bailey” this year during the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

INT- COMMUNITY CENTER HALL – DAY

Mary is leading the IAWL festival meeting. She is about to go over the assignments for this year. VIOLET, 33 and dressed to the nines enters. Everyone turns and looks to the back of the room where she’s entered. Mary stops talking.

VIOLET

Oh Mary, don’t stop on my account. Continue. Pleeease. I can’t wait to hear what you’re planning this year.

MARY

(sarcastically) Nice of you to join us.

VIOLET

Thank you for inviting me.

MARY

Sure. Anyway.

Several guys stand up to give Violet their chair. Violet takes the one closest to the front.

MARY (continued)

Let’s go down the list quickly. Randall, is everything set for the ringing of the bells on Christmas Eve?

RANDELL is a 40-year-old who works in the vineyards. He stands up.

RANDELL

Yes, Ma’am. We’ve raised over $900 already for the It’s a Wonderful Life committee. It sure was a good idea to take donations for requests to ring the bells for the angels in people’s lives, Mary.

MARY

Thanks. Mrs. Blaine and Miss Davis, is ZuZu’s Café ready for the crowds this year?

MRS.BLAINE a fine Christian woman of 66, stands up.

MRS. BLAINE

We are ready for the eaters and the ice cream social crowd.

MAYOR PARTRIDGE jumps up.

MAYOR PARTRIDGE

Terrific! I’ve already confirmed with Miss Judi that she is ready for the ‘Dance by the Light of the Moon’ Dance Contest. It will be held here in the community center. And the ‘Mr. Gower Scavenger Hunt’ will start here too. Ed, is the list ready for the scavenger hunt?

ED is a young string-bean of 27. Ed stands.

ED

Yep, sure is.

MARY

Thank you all. Okay. The ‘Ma Bailey Chili Cook-off’ will be held at the Hotel Clarence again this year. Freddie, all OK with it?

FREDDIE is a short round fellow of about 50 who stands to speak.

FREDDIE

We just need a couple more competitors, so encourage your friends!

MAYOR PARTRIDGE

And encourage everyone to dress as their favorite IAWF character for the parade too. Mrs. Davis, is the casting done for the ‘Merry Christmas, George Bailey’ radio show?

MISS DAVIS is a disheveled mess of a 26-year-old who stands up.

MISS DAVIS

(scratching her head) Well…I can’t seem to get Mary to commit this year.

Mary rolls her eyes expecting a fight. A murmur goes through the crowd.

MAYOR PARTRIDGE

Mary! What’s going on? You ALWAYS play Mrs. Bailey!

Mary stands up.

MARY

I thought I’d give someone else a chance this year.

TOWNSPEOPLE

(in unison) No! You have to do it! You’re the best Mary Bailey ever! No one else wants it. Yes, you have to do it!

MARY

I just can’t do it this year. I have too much on my plate. It’ll be fine.

TOWNSPEOPLE

(muttering) Oh boy. Who are we going to get to play Mary? It won’t be the same.

MAYOR PARTRIDGE

Okay people! Settle down. (flirtingly) Joe, are you playing George this year?

JOSEPH

(standing) Yes, Madam Mayor. (looking at Mary) I am.

MARY

I would like to nominate Annie to play Mary Bailey.

The townspeople look at each other as if to say, ‘A Chinese Mary Bailey?’

MAYOR PARTRIDGE

Well, looks like Mary has made up her mind. (hesitantly writing) Annie. Is there anyone else who would like to do it?

Violet stands up.

(TWIST 1)

VIOLET

I would like to be considered for the role of Mary Bailey this year, Madam Mayor.

The townspeople shake their heads. No one else raises their hand.

MAYOR PARTRIDGE

Violet you never participate.

VIOLET

This year is my opportunity to play the part that has been stoll…er, has eluded me all these years. And it would be a pleasure to play Mary Bailey to Joe’s George. (smiling at Joe)

Joe just nods his head. Mary rolls her eyes.

MARY

The only fair way to decide is to take a vote. Mayor.

MAYOR PARTRIDGE

Raise your hand if you would like to see Annie play Mary Bailey.

Ernie (Annie’s boyfriend) Mary, Joseph, Janie and Ruthie (who can’t vote) raise their hands.

MAYOR PARTRIDGE (continued)

That is 3 plus me, so 4 for Annie. Raise your hand if you’re like Violet to play Mary Bailey.

Everyone else raises their hands.

MAYOR PARTRIDGE (continued)

That is 5 for Violet. Violet it is. Get with Ed to go over your lines for the radio play. And sorry to ask, but Annie can you help Violet with the costume?

ANNIE

(sadly) Of course.

VIOLET

Thank you. (smiling ear to ear)

MAYOR PARTRIDGE

We have one more item to discuss, right Mary?

MARY

Yes. I need to ask all the children to leave first.

Janie, Ruthie, and a couple of other children run out the front door.

MARY

Who wants to be Santa Claus in the parade this year? Ernie?

ERNIE

I can’t ‘m already in charge of passing out the free chestnuts in front of the Hotel Clarence.
MARY

That’s right. Sam? Where’s Sam?

A MAN yells out from the back of the room.

MAN

He’s just about to close up the library!

Everyone laughs uproariously.

MARY

Okay. I’ll get Sam to do it. Let me text him.

Mary texts Sam. Sam texts right back.

MARY

Sam says he is indeed just about to close up the library. He agrees to be Santa this year. Great! We are done. Thanks everyone for coming. Help yourself to drinks and cookies courtesy of Annie and me.

The townspeople are milling around drinking and eating cookies to go, gathering their things, leaving the room, etc. Mary gives Annie a consolatory hug. Joseph walks up.

JOSEPH

Can I get in on this?

Mary and Annie part. Annie sensing her time to exit.

ANNIE

(to Mary) I’ll see if I can round up the girls.

Annie heads for the door. ERNIE makes a beeline for her.

ERNIE

Can I walk you home, Annie?

Annie nods. Annie and Ernie leave.

Mary is cleaning up.

MARY

Good meeting. Looks like everything is set. And you! You get to play opposite Violet, you lucky dog.

JOSEPH

It should be fun.

Mary smirks.

JOSEPH (continued)

I just mean that you and I have played the parts for a couple of years and it will be fun to mix it up.

Mary getting mad now.

JOSEPH (continued)

Aw, you know I don’t care about Violet. It’s you and only you.

MARY

Sure. You don’t think I know how Violet works? She can have any man she wants. And has!

JOSEPH

It’s cute that you’re jealous.

MARY

All my life I’ve been pitted against her. Of course, I’m mad you’re going to be spending time with her.

JOSEPH

You care!

MARY

She’s a pain in my ass. Always has been. Always will be I suppose.

JOSEPH

Well, you have nothing to worry about with me. I only have eyes for you.

Joseph starts humming “I Only Have Eyes for You” and grabs Mary for a dance. Joseph helps Mary on with her coat.

JOSEPH

Would you like to stop for a coffee at ZuZu’s? And hot chocolate for the girls.

MARY

I have to get home and walk Uncle Billy.

JOSEPH

I’m sure Uncle Billy could wait a little bit longer.

MARY

Then you don’t know Uncle Billy.

JOSEPH

You look nice tonight. And smell good too.

MARY

Thanks. I smell like cookies.

JOSEPH

How about a rain check?

MARY

You never give up, do you?

JOSEPH

That’s what you like about me.

MARY

Wise too, are you?

JOSEPH

Listen, come here.

Joseph pulls Mary aside by her arms.

JOSEPH (continued)

I thought I’d give you your Christmas present ahead of time. I’m kind of excited about it.

JOSEPH takes a small Tiffany blue box out of his pocket.

MARY

Oh no! No! No! I don’t want it! It’s too much!

JOSEPH

No, it’s not. It’s just a Christmas present Mary.

Mary pushes the box away.

MARY

No! No! No! Take it back. I’d rather you get the girls something, not me.

JOSEPH

I’ve already gotten the girls they’re gifts. This one is for you.

MARY

(pushing away the box again) I can’t accept it.

JOSEPH

(putting it into his pocket) OK. I’ll hold onto it until Christmas.

MARY exasperated walks to the door. Mary turns quickly around.

MARY

And don’t tell my sister about this!!

JOSEPH

Ok. I won’t tell Violet.

Joseph hurries out the door behind Mary.

(TWIST 2)

Up to this point, we only knew that Violet was Mary’s rival. We didn’t know she was also her sister.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 3 Dramatic Irony

Lisa’s Dramatic Irony

What I learned is that keeping something from the main character but letting the audience in on it is fun. It’s a device that can add intrigue and suspense to the story. And it makes the characters that are in on it more interesting.

Name: MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven

Character Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success.

Name: PETER WINTERS

Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate

Character Logline: Peter is a war veteran hero who is about to lose his snowmobile business due to no snowfall, and he knows that Santa Claus is real from his time in the government, so he will use that knowledge to try to save his business.

EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

PETER has his back to SANTA as he struggles with placing a large ladder on the side of the house.

PETER

We’re going to do this fast. I need you to do your Santa thing and get back up the chimneys as quick as possible. Don’t take any time to sort out the gifts, I’ll do that later. You just go down and throw them back up…or however you do it. Doesn’t matter as long as you get as many of the presents as you can. I need those gifts to save my business. I have my buddy in the next town who will sell them for the money. (catching himself) Ah, I’ve said too much…

While Peter is talking, MARY has emerged from the woods behind the house dressed as Santa. She taps the real Santa on the shoulder and holds a finger up to her mouth for him not to speak. She waves for Santa to head to the woods behind them. Santa books it into the woods.

PETER (continued)

Okay. (Turning around) Now you need to get up there.

Mary puts uses as low a voice as she can.

MARY

You first.

PETER

Oh no! I’m not falling for that. Go on.

Mary still afraid of heights, very slowly walks toward the ladder and starts up it.

MARY

Sure, you don’t want to go first?

PETER

What’s your problem? You’ve been on plenty of roofs.

MARY

Okay. Okay.

Mary moves as slow as possible. Peter starts up the ladder behind her. As Mary gets to the roof, she doesn’t stand, but scoots along the roof line.

PETER

What are you doing? Stand up. Let’s get this done.

Mary tried to stand up and almost falls.

PETER (continued)

I know you haven’t been drinking. Now let’s go.

Mary stands up and tries to act cool about it. Peter moves by her toward the chimney.

PETER

Okay, Santa. Do what you do…go on down.

MARY

Peter, you don’t want to do this. What if you get caught? You don’t want to go to jail. What about Janie and Ruthie?

PETER

How do you know my girls’ names?!

MARY

I’m Santa, remember. I know everyone’s names.

PETER

Right. Let’s go!

MARY

No. I’m not going to do it.

PETER

I didn’t risk everything for you not to do this! Now do whatever you gotta do to get down there!

Peter puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a fake toy gun that kind of looks real. Mary knows it’s not a real gun. She’s seen many as a volunteer firefighter.

PETER (continued)

I’m not taking no for an answer. Don’t tempt me.

MARY

You can’t shoot Santa Claus!!

PETER

Watch me!

MARY

Peter, this isn’t you. You’re not a thief and a killer. You’re a war hero! You saved 31 men!

PETER

It should have been me who died that day.

MARY

If you didn’t survive you couldn’t have saved all those men that day. They owe you, their lives. Please give this up!

PETER (tearing up)

I don’t know what to do. I have a family to support.

MARY

Your family loves you no matter what but do the right thing. Don’t be one of those guys who will give up their ethics and dignity for a thing…it’s just a business. You can find something else. I’ll help you.

PETER

What?

Don and Dash have procured a firetruck with a ladder and enlisted the help of firefighters to drive it over to the roof. They shout to Peter.

DON

Put down the gun!

MARY

He doesn’t have a gun! It’s not real!

DASH

Drop it!

Peter grabs Mary as Santa and drags her to the chimney with the fake gun on her.

MARY (in her regular voice)

Don’t shoot! It’s okay!

PETER

Mary?

Peter lets her go and she rolls down the roof. Joseph has run up to the side of the house just as Mary starts to tumble.

MARY (tumbling)

Don’t shoot him!

Peter puts his hands up.

JOSEPH

I’ve got you!

Joseph catches Mary and they fall into the snow. Don and Dash jump onto the roof and subdue Peter.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 2 Dramatic Devices

Lisa’s Conflict and Tension

What I learned is that I need to always think about raising the tension and conflict even though I’m writing a Christmas movie. I need to improve my subtext too. This is a scene that is not in my present Outline, but I will probably add it. The characters are evolving, and I’ve changed the Tilly character to Mary’s sister to make the tension higher since Tilly is now with Peter, Mary’s ex-husband.

INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Mary enters the Snowmobile shop. Tilly is going over paperwork.

MARY

Where’s Peter?

TILLY

What do you want?

MARY

To talk to Peter.

TILLY

He’s busy.

MARY (walking into the back room)

Is he in the back?

TILLY (stepping in front of Mary)

I said he was busy.

MARY (in Tilly’s face)

As you well know, “Aunt Tilly”, we have children together and when I need to talk to Pete, you’re not going to stop me.

TILLY

Well, I’m taking care of him now and you’re not going to upset him.

MARY

Mother would be so proud. (pushing by her) Peter?!

INT- BACK ROOM OF SNOWMOBILE SHOP – DAY

Tilly follows Mary into the back room. Peter gets up from his perch.

PETER

What do you want Mary?

MARY

I want to be able to talk to you without her stopping me. (turning to Tilly) Can we have some privacy please?

PETER

You can talk in front of Tilly.

MARY

This is none of her business.

PETER

Til give us a minute.

Tilly leaves the room in a huff.

PETER

What’s so important?

MARY

First, I want to know if you are still doing the work…going to your meetings.

PETER

It’s really none of your business. But I go.

MARY

The girls are asking if you’re coming over for Christmas. (politely) I am inviting you to come see the kids on Christmas.

PETER

I’m not coming without Til.

MARY

Can you just come alone?

PETER

You bring that man around them and it’s wrong. He’s your boss. I don’t approve.

MARY

Okay. I get the point. (almost to herself) I don’t even know what we are. Come over Christmas day for the girls…please. And you can bring her.

PETER

She deserves to see her nieces too. But I can’t promise anything yet.

MARY

Why not?!

PETER

I’ve got things to do.

MARY

I’ll be sure to tell your daughters that you had things to do! Merry Christmas!

Mary storms out.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Originally post in wrong Assignment: should be 2, not 3

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Lisa Paris Long. Reason: Post in wrong POST. Should be Assignment 2, not 3

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 1 What Make a Script Dramatic?

LISA’S DRAMATIC CHOICES

———THE FAMILY STONE – First 30 minutes———

WHAT I LEARNED:

This is a great example of maintaining character traits. Meredith remains stiff, the family members are very loose, and Everett is between the two worlds. Nothing seems out of place and the action moves intentionally along, building and building. You can see the explosion and change coming.

This is a Christmas movie that my family watches every year. I particularly like the character arc of Meredith. And the idea that we will eventually find the right match even when we’re with the wrong match. The family dynamics are relatable. Being misunderstood is relatable. Feeling the family pressure and sadness is relatable.

I learned from deconstructing the scenes that I need to slow down and take my time building the characters. My work is short and concise, but I need to take more time for development. I need to update my “cut to the chase” work mode.

THE FAMILY STONE OPENING

1. Meredith is on a business call on her cell phone in a department store. She is arguing with someone over a report that is due on Christmas and says that her subordinate cannot take time off. She sees Everett purchasing a gift and interrupts him to correct the color of the gift he’s buying for his sister…then she goes back to her call. The call drops and as she starts to redial, Everett takes her phone away from her…saying Merry Christmas to the salesperson.

2. Credits

3. Patrick and Thad arrive in the driveway of a beautiful old home and get presents out of the back of the SUV.

4. They greet Sybil, the mom with hugs and kisses. Sybil signs to Thad. Patrick and Sybil talk recipes. They ask Sybil about when the others are coming. Kelly, the dad comes in with brownies and kisses Sybil. Kelly signs to Thad and hugs both him and Patrick as Sybil watches.

5. Another car arrives. It’s an old model yellow Volvo car. Amy gets out, drops her laundry in the snow.

6. Cut to the interior of a third car, a BMW. Meredith apologizes to Everett for being on her phone. She fidgets and clears her throat a couple of times. Everett acknowledges that she’s nervous. She says she’s not.

7. Amy, Sybil, Kelly, Patrick, and Thad are discussing Meredith before she arrives. Amy hates her! Kelly tells her to have generosity of spirit. Amy tells the story of going to NY to see a guy and they go to dinner with Meredith and she’s a total phony, uptight, talked constantly, and has a fake disgusting cough that sounds like she’s digging for clams. Susannah arrives with her daughter, Elizabeth. Sybil says Amy was telling them about Meredith who is a throat clearer. Patrick says Amy never likes anyone. Amy says she loves Patrick and Thad says that took years. Susannah says Meredith was curt on the phone.

8. Meredith and Everett arrive, and he says they are all watching from the window. Kelly goes out to greet them. Meredith puts out her hand to shake Kelly’s hand and he hugs her.

9. Inside the house, Everett hugs Thad and Patrick. He introduces Meredith to Thad, and she talks slowly and loudly to the deaf Thad. Thad asks his sister why she’s shouting. There’s tension between Meredith and Amy. Sybil is sarcastic. They family take a photo on the stairs and push Meredith out of the way.

10. Meredith argues with Everett over them sleeping in the same bed in his parent’s home. Everett said Sybil put them together. Meredith says it’s not right!

11. Sybil laughs when Everett tells her that they must find another place for Meredith to sleep. Sybil says does she think I don’t know that you screw? She laughs at separate bedrooms, it’s so silly. She’s putting Amy out of her room.

12. Amy says to Meredith, you’re putting me out of my room. Elizabeth asks why she’s not staying with Everett; did they have a fight? She wants to try on Meredith’s very expensive shoes. Meredith gets a call from her sister. They don’t leave at first, then after stares from Meredith decide to leave. Amy clears her throat on her way out. Meredith tells her sister that they hate her. Yes, I’m being myself!

13. Meredith goes to Everett’s room and ask him not to be mad. He says he’s not. She sees some of his awards in a drawer and asks why they’re tucked away. He says they were from a long time ago. They hug and look in the mirror. Meredith says to look at them…

14. Ben arrives and Amy tells him wait until you meet her! Ben greets Sybil. Then Everett and Meredith come downstairs. Everett in a tie. Ben looks at Meredith and stares and says Hi.

15. Ben carries Elizabeth into the kitchen and asks Susannah where her husband is. She says what husband? He’ll come on Christmas. Everett asks where’s Dad? Meredith sees that Elizabeth has worn her shoes and torn the heel off. She grabs them and says she guesses she has another pair she can wear with that outfit. Ben asks if he can help her and to not be long “pretty lady” because they will all be talking about her. Ben says remember Miss Yuen. Second grade teacher, she was terrific. Ben says Meredith’s spectacular. Where did you meet?

16. Driving in the car, with Everett, Ben, Amy, Thad, and Elizabeth, Meredith tells the story of how they met in Hong Kong, no Kowloon. Amy starts to sign to Thad what Meredith is saying but gives up. Meredith shouts at Thad to try to get him to understand. Ben only asks, what were you wearing?

17. At the pizza parlor, Meredith is still telling the story. Ben is fascinated by Meredith.

18. Now at home, Meredith is still talking about how they met. Everett tells about the monks he was going to stay with that have taken a vow of silence. Amy says of what? (Clearly a jab at Meredith). What did you two talk about? Everett can’t remember. Meredith does and goes on telling of what she does and how they got together, and Everett never made it to the monks. When Meredith stops talking, everyone is just staring at her in disbelief that she could go on so long. Meredith says they were in the right place at the right time. Ben says destiny. Everett is forced to agree. Meredith offers to help clean up, but Sybil sarcastically says no you’re a guest.

19. Meredith and Everett go into the hall. As Meredith begins to say something Sybil comes into the hallway. Everett says he wants to talk to Sybil. There’s something he wants to ask her. Sybil says I thought that might be it and leaves.

20. The family is playing charades. There’s a clue acted out and ben asks whose clue was that. It wasn’t very good. Meredith clears her throat. Amy hand picks a clue for Meredith to act out. Meredith protests and doesn’t want to do it. As Meredith acts it out, she unconsciously points her index finger. And Amy calls her out as pointing at Patrick who is black. The clue is the bride wore black. Amy calls her racist. Meredith leaves. They call Amy a Meany.

21. Meredith rages against Amy to Everett. Meredith says she’s not a completely ridiculous person. Meredith accuses him of having doubts and wishing she were different. I don’t want you just because you’re a good guy and couldn’t find the break. He says he’s not a good guy. She says he is.

22. Sybil says she knows Everett is coming for her mother’s ring. Dad says he can’t understand what Everett sees in her. She’s an attractive, intelligent, and successful woman. She better mannered than any of us. Sybil says you stick a silver spoon up a monkey’s butt and it will say please and thank you. Dad says she’s a fine woman. But she doesn’t know or trust herself very well. So, Everett may not know himself at all.

23. Sybil, Meredith, and Amy are in the kitchen and Amy doesn’t say good morning to Meredith. Sybil tells Amy that they got a Christmas card from Brad Stephenson’s mom. Brad popped Amy’s cherry. Amy protests. Amy cuts off Meredith as she’s getting milk for her coffee. Amy is cold to her. Meredith asks for a chance. Amy says don’t sweat it. Meredith says I don’t care if you like me or not. Amy says Aww, of course you do.

24. Meredith is going to the Inn. The family is gathered looking outside as Meredith gets in the car.

She says it was her “bad back”. Everett comes in and wants to know who said something and that her sister is coming. Amy laughs. Everett gets mad. This is how this is going to go. Meredith means a lot to me so you better start getting used to the idea. He tells his dad that he expected more of him.

25. Ben brings Meredith a cup of coffee and asks if she’s coming back. He tells Meredith that he had a dream about her last night. Meredith clears her throat. Everett comes out. Ben says to bring back the mug because it’s Sybil’s favorite and she’ll kill you.

26. Dad sits the family down and gives a lecture on welcoming Meredith and her sister, Julie back to the house without judgment and opened arms. Act like a civilized family. Sybil says she knows he’s going to ask for the ring. Ben says he can’t marry her, he doesn’t even love her.

27. Everett asks his mom for his grandmother’s wedding ring. This is the woman I’m going to marry. Sybil asks about another girlfriend. Everett said she told him to come to her when he met the woman he was to marry and he’s doing it now. Sybil says no. I can’t, that woman. I can’t give you the ring. Everett says you promised me. Sybil says I know you’re disappointed but think how I feel. Sybil drops her head into her hands. (31 minutes)

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Kate Hawkes, Intro Nia

from Lisa Long

Hi Kate,

Thanks so much for the feedback on my post. It was helpful to know that I need to add more information at the beginning for my main character. And especially that you didn’t care about them; that’s a big problem for me to work out!

I read your V2 and also looked at June’s critique which I felt was spot on. I thought your descriptions were lyrical and set the picture nicely. I understood where they were and that they are a group of troubadours. I got that the characters were close friends. It was not clear if they are more than friends or if they will become more during the story. I think it is sweet that Shaunn takes care of Nia.

I’m not sure of the significance of the vomiting. Was it to show how Nia can bounce back quickly? First thing that popped into my mind as an audience member was that she was vomiting because she’s pregnant. But then you explained that she gets motion sickness.

I agree with June that adding subtext between them could be exciting. Or some hint of what is to come in the story would fill out the introduction.

I look forward to reading more of your work!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Final Scene for Feedback Exchange

Hi everyone, I was on vacation for a few days in NYC, so I’m catching up. I know you have already critiqued, but could someone critique my submission? I just need one person please. I will critique yours in exchange if you still want critiques.

What I learned is that the movie must begin with a strong and insightful introduction of the main character(s).

Name of Character: MARY WINTERS

A. What is the Interesting Situation?

In the opening scene, Mary saves a man from drowning after jumping off a bridge. Later, this pays off when we find out the man that she saved that night is Peter, her ex-husband.

B. What is the Insight about this character?

Mary is strong of character and will not give up on anyone.

C. What Action and Description will sell this character?

Mary’s strength, humor, and sarcasm is unusual in a Christmas comedy and fun to play for an actress.

OPENING OF “MARY’S CHRISTMAS”: Introduction of Lead Character

FADE UP

EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

It’s pouring buckets of rain. A firetruck with its siren going comes barreling up Main Street to the edge of the George Baily bridge. As the firetruck starts to cross, it comes to a halt. In the headlights MARY, a firecracker in a fire suit at 36 and her partner, BERT, a mild-mannered man in his 50’s can see a tall MAN in his 40’s on the bridge.

BERT

Is that who I think it is?

MARY

Oh, for god’s sake! Hook me up to the truck and I’ll go talk to him.

BERT

You sure you don’t want me to do it?!

MARY

You know I have to do this Bert!

MARY and BERT jump out of the truck. BERT ties MARY to the front of the truck. MARY approaches the man up on the railing.

MARY (yelling over the rain)

Hey there! What ’cha doing?

MAN

I can’t go on like this!

MARY

If you jump, you’re going to hurt yourself. What about your children? Do you want to leave them without a father?

MAN

You take care of them…or Bert!

MARY ties herself to the MAN.

MAN

Get off of me!

MARY

Your children need they’re dad. Come on down and let’s talk about it.

MAN

No more talking!

The MAN jumps off the bridge and MARY goes too because they are tied together. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the rope isn’t long enough to hit the water, so they are hanging in the rain above the water and the rocks below.

MARY

Now what are you going to do!

The MAN tries to untie the knot in the rope. Another firetruck arrives on the bank of the river and shines a light on the situation.

MAN

Let me go!

MARY

There is no way I’m letting you drop without me and I’m not going into that cold water! Bert! Bert!

BERT starts backing up the firetruck to try to pull up MARY and the MAN. The rope breaks.

MARY(SCREAMS)

Bert!!

MARY and the MAN fall into the running river with rocks around them. MARY is holding onto the MAN with dear life and trying to swim to the shore.

MARY

I’m going to hurt you when we get out of this!

MAN

Let me go!

MARY

Sam!! Pull us out!

SAM, a butcher by trade, but also a volunteer firefighter and another FIREFIGHTER, wade into the water to throw them a line. MARY and the MAN go under. Then MARY pops up and with all her might she lifts the MAN up.

SAM

Grab the line, Mary!

MARY

He’s fighting me!

MAN

Let me go!!

SAM

Kick him in the nuts!

MARY twists herself and kicks the MAN in his nuts. He stops fighting her long enough for her to grab the line. SAM and the other FIREFIGHTER wade in far enough to grab MARY and the MAN. MARY and the MAN lie in the pouring rain on the bank of the river.

MARY

What the hell are you thinking!!

MARY starts to hit the MAN. The MAN starts to cry.

MARY

Stop crying, will ya!! It’ll be alright.

MARY pulls the MAN toward her. MARY holds the MAN tight as he sobs.

MARY (feeling badly)

Stop crying, I won’t hit you anymore.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

OVER OPENING CREDITS

MARY WINTERS (VOICEOVER)(Sarcastically)

Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY

SHOTS OF MAIN STREET LIT UP AT NIGHT. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls”. For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it…

Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE.

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

Oh no. There it is the George Bailey bridge sitting in the middle of town and haunting us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

Well, the church marks the end of downtown, except if you look across the street you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…

You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the last 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.

Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. I tried to get out of it, but no one else wanted the job. Well, except for Violet. I COULDN’T let Violet have it. She’s been after everything “ME” since kindergarten. See I’m an overachiever and Violet has always been jealous of me. So, I have no choice but to suck it up and put on the best dawg gone festival ever!

(MARY makes gagging noises)

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 9 WHAT DIALOGUE IS AND ISN’T

Lisa’s Dialogue on The Attack!

I learned from doing this assignment that the back and forth moves the story along and makes the characters more interesting.

Character Name: MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.

Character Name: JOSEPH BISHOP

Traits: Intelligent, Stubborn, Happy, Refined

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of being alone, Afraid of losing Mary and her girls

From Outline Scene 38:

INT-MARY’S HOUSE-DAY

Mary is folding clothes from the couch while Joseph is straightening up the living room.

MARY (slightly perturbed)

You don’t have to do that.

JOSEPH (pleasantly)

I know.

MARY (frustrated)

You don’t get it. I don’t want you to clean my house! (Snatching a cloth from his hand)

JOSEPH

Okay, My goodness. I’m just helping you out. Why won’t you let me help you?

MARY

It’s only been 3 years Joe.

JOSEPH

Since the divorce, I know. But we’ve been off and on for 2 of those 3 years. I want to make it permanent.

MARY

IT’S TOO SOON! For the girls…

JOSEPH

And for you?

MARY

Why do you insist on pressing me on this? You could do so much better back in New York. I’m sure they were flinging themselves at you when you were there.

JOSEPH

Mary. You know I’m not like that. Trust me.

MARY

Like I trusted Peter?

JOSEPH (holding her shoulders)

I’m not Peter. I’m not like anyone else.

MARY

What makes you so special?

JOSEPH

I love you.

MARY

I know. (smirking) I really, really, really, really, like you too.

Joseph hangs his head.

JOSEPH

Must you play so hard to get all the time?

MARY

Must you keep annoying me with “I love you” all the time?

JOSEPH (smiling)

I won’t give up.

MARY (pauses)

Actually…you may when I tell you what I need to tell you.

JOSEPH

(Laughs) What? You’re actually going to tell me something?

MARY

Sit down.

JOSEPH (sitting)

Okay.

MARY

Well. I’ve decided to…

JOSEPH (excited)

Say yes! Finally.

MARY

…No. Janie and Ruthie and I are going to move to Albany come Spring.

JOSEPH

What? Why?

MARY

I think it would be best for us to start over in a new place. An adventure. For me and the girls. I’ve been here all my life and I’d like to see what it would be like to live in a bigger city. More things to do for all of us. It has nothing to do with you and me.

JOSEPH

Clearly. (pauses) I thought we were building something here. Was I completely off base?

MARY

It has nothing to do with you. It’s for me and the girls.

JOSEPH

How long have you been thinking about this?

MARY

That’s not important.

JOSEPH

It is to me.

MARY

About a year.

JOSEPH (grabbing his hat)

Great. And when were you going to tell me? After you left town?

MARY

I’m sorry, Joe.

JOSEPH

No, I’m sorry that we ever got together.

MARY

Joe don’t say that!

JOSEPH

Goodbye, Mary.

MARY

See you at the festival.

As Joseph leaves upset, Uncle Billy comes in the front door. Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 8 FILL YOUR OUTLINE WITH CHARACTER

Lisa’s Character Outline

What I learned from this assignment is…that I’m having a difficult time incorporating character traits in an outline rather than with dialogue. I tried but I’m not certain I succeeded. Changes are following:

OUTLINE OF “MARY’S CHRISTMAS”

1. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that Seneca Falls was the inspiration for the movie It’s a Wonderful Life and each year they put on a festival to celebrate it. As she speaks, we see…

2. EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY.

3. VOICEOVER-MARY (Continues)

Mary tells how her mother planned the annual festivals until her death last year. Mary was chosen by the town to take over the festival this year. Problem is that Mary’s never liked the It’s a Wonderful Life movie. Angels are a fantasy.

However, Mary believes in Santa Claus because her ex-husband Peter worked for NORAD before he went to war and it’s their big secret. That Santa is real!

4. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

In their firetruck, Mary and her partner, Bert come across a man on the George Bailey bridge in the pouring rain. Mary recognizes Harry who is dressed in a white gown as “Clarence” from IAWL. Mary, who hates heights, is tied to the firetruck as she grabs the man, and they go over the edge. As they are hanging from the bridge, Mary says, “I thought Angels could fly?” Harry replies, “I haven’t got my wings yet”. They laugh upside down. As Bert pulls them up the rope breaks and they fall into the running water below. Other firefighters show up and they are rescued.

5. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of baked Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival and she calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is sitting behind her with his head cocked and goes over to his bowl and eats.

6. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie (Mary’s daughter) is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer, and she yells downstairs to her mom that the computer is broken. Mary calls back for her to come on; she closes the computer and runs downstairs.

7. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

During breakfast, Mary is multitasking for the festival when Janie and Ruthie climb on Mary’s lap because they miss their grandma. Uncle Billy runs around barking and jumping on them (because he doesn’t like anyone touching Mary), they laugh.

8. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

As Peter enters the kitchen of the dilapidated Ma Jenkins Boarding House. Ma gives Peter his mail including one red envelope; the final notice to pay his mortgage or lose his snowmobile shop. He has until Christmas Day to pay. It hasn’t snowed for 3 years.

9. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary sits her daughters down and tells them that they will be moving in the Spring to Albany. Mary wants to live in a bigger city. The girls throw fits.

10. INT-SUV-DAY

On the way to school, Mary nearly runs over Peter when he is preoccupied and steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary asks for him and Tilly to come over Christmas day to be with the girls. Peter hems and haws. Mary let’s Peter say hi to the girls who are looking on a phone at the NORAD site, and they show it to him.

11. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives with his toolbox at the porch of Mr. Reed and asks what he can do to help. Peter agrees to fix the boards on the porch.

12. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with her best friend Annie, and they discuss what’s happening with Peter. Joseph asks Mary out and she declines.

13. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter rings the parsonage bell. The pastor Frank answers, and they walk over to the church where Peter agrees to clean the pews.

14. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Mary squirms, but accepts a raise when Joseph offers it.

15. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter tells Tilly he has a plan to kidnap Santa, get Santa to steal gifts from houses and his friend, Sower will fence them for the money. Tilly laughs…Santa! Peter explains that he worked at NORAD and knows Santa is real. Tilly scoffs and accuses him of being cray cray.

16. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Annie that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Annie to play her.

17. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives at Mrs. Thomas’s and begins mowing the lawn. She comes out on the porch to give him some iced tea.

18. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight at the Community Center – All Are Welcome!’

19. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-EVENING

Mary and Annie discuss how good Joseph is with the girls, then Joseph tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it. Introduction of other townspeople including Harry, Mary’s father, Ernie, Annie’s boyfriend, and Mayor Partridge. Mary’s nemesis Violet shows up late and gives Mary a hard time.

20. INT-MARTINI’S BAR-NIGHT

Peter enters and sits next to Bert (Peter’s older brother) at the bar. Peter gets teary eyed about losing everything and his daughters. Bert asks Peter if he’s taking his meds and if he’s still in PTSD therapist. Peter doesn’t answer.

21. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary and Annie discuss removing Peter from her life after the divorce. Annie asks why not move on with Joseph.

22. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter is loading up a truck with a snowmobile and supplies. Tilly says she still thinks he’s crazy, but she can’t let him go alone.

23. INT-FIREHOUSE-DAY

Mary leads a review for the other volunteer firefighters of where the firetrucks are going to be positioned prior to the parade. The Firetrucks end the parade with Santa on top of the last one.

24. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter calls Santa out of the workshop. Santa recognizes Peter immediately. Santa asks how he’s been and how can he help. Tilly does a double take because Santa knows him. Peter pretends to have a gun. Peter and Tilly blindfold and kidnap Santa on snowmobiles as elves and Mrs. Claus yell after them.

25. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen, but it’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to find Santa.

26. EXT-FOREST US BORDER-DAY

Snow is starting to thin as Peter and Tilly continue by foot with blindfolded Santa in tow. They stop and transfer to the truck. Peter removes Santa’s blindfold.

27. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

28. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

29. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles. They can’t figure out where they are headed at first.

30. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Mary looks at the site and says it’s just a temporary issue. Ruthie asks why they have to move away.

31. INT-TRAIN-DAY

Santa asks Peter why he’s doing this. Santa tries to convince Peter to let him go. Peter threatens to expose him to the world if he leaves.

32. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in New York. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

33. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

34. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Vignettes of different townspeople working their jobs during the festival.

35. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door of the shop and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

36. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds a tracking device on Santa and interrogates him on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

37. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

38. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Mary tells Joseph they are moving to Albany in the Spring. Joseph leaves upset. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

39. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls and they ask Ernie if he’s seen a Santa. Ernie nods as Dash & Don turn around to see a sea of Santa’s running in the Santa 5k.

40. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

At the theater, Annie calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now. Mary has Janie and Ruthie with her, and they all leave for the center.

41. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Peter tells Tilly they will let Santa go as soon as he gets what he needs. Tilly quits and leaves the shop.

42. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

The town Santa is sick, and Mary puts on the Santa suit because Angel has the radio show to do. Mary leaves Janie and Ruthie at the community center where Joseph will pick them up for the parade.

43. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter dressed as Santa too, leaves the shop with Santa and they head towards town. Mary drives up to the shop looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

44. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Dash and Don run alongside the running Santa’s in the 5k trying to spot the “real” Santa. At the same time. Peter and Santa use the running Santa’s as a shield to get to the houses at the other end of town.

45. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

As Joseph (dressed as George Bailey) is on his way to pick up the girls at the community center, he notices smoke coming out of the roof. He calls 911 and enters the building.

46. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Joseph comes out of the burning building with the girls in tow. Others are running out too.

47. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Mary runs through the crowd in her Santa suit and goes inside. After the fire is out, she checks on the girls. Then runs off talking on her festival walkie talky to move the community center events to the Women’s Right’s Museum.

48. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might do something terrible and leaves in frustration.

49. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house where Peter has hidden a ladder.

50. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the firetruck to play Santa as Tilly runs up and tells Mary what Peter has done and where they are headed. Mary jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.

51. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Tilly finds Annie and Joe who are marching in the parade as Mary and George Bailey and tells them what’s happening with Mary and Peter. Joseph takes off and Annie stays with Janie and Ruthie who are in the parade as Bailey children.

52. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don spot a Santa far away running toward a neighborhood and they take off after the Santa (Mary).

53. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and trades places with him as Peter struggles with the ladder. Mary is still afraid of heights, but she gets on the roof anyway…scooting along the roofline. Mary and Peter argue.

54. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has taken Mary’s place on the firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho!

55. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Peter tries to force Santa (Mary) down the chimney, and they struggle while Dash & Don point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof where Joseph catches her, and they fall in the snow.

56. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

The real Santa comes running and convinces Dash & Don to let Peter go. Dash & Don take Peter into custody anyway to find out what happened for their report. Annie runs up and says she can’t find Janie. She lost her in the crowd.

Mary, Joseph, and Annie spread out to search for her.

57. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Mary moves down Main St asking everyone she knows if they’ve seen Janie. No one has seen her. In front of the Clarence Hotel, Ernie says she passed him about 15 minutes earlier. Mary runs off.

58. EXT-CHURCH-NIGHT

Mary finds Janie in the nativity scene. The Christmas Star is shining brightly over them. Crying, Janie wants to know why they have to leave Seneca Falls. Mary consoles her.

59. INT-COURTHOUSE-CHRISTMAS EVE DAY

Dash & Don release Peter. Ma Jenkins, Bert, Mr. Reed, Pastor Frank, Mrs. Thomas and all the townspeople show up on the steps for Peter, they have paid his mortgage with the festival money. They found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

60. INT-HOUSE-CHRISTMAS EVE

Ruthie, Janie, Uncle Billy, Peter, and Tilly are celebrating with the girls by watching IAWL on tv.

61. EXT-MARY’S PORCH-CHRISTMAS EVE

Joseph asks Mary to marry him, and Mary accepts because she knows Joseph volunteered to sponsor next year’s festival. And as they kiss Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

62. INT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

The congregation sings “Hark the Harold Angels Sing” with candles lit as Joseph and Mary walk down the aisle. Uncle Billy carries the ring around his neck.

63. EXT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

Mary and Joseph come out of the church into the snow and get on top of a firetruck with the lights on and Just Married on the back. They drive off.

64. EXT-SENECA FALLS-NIGHT

65. SHOTS OF TOWN LIT FOR CHRISTMAS

66. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that “No one is alone who has friends…and family.”

NOTE: I didn’t purposely put a couple of things in red, they just showed up when I copied and pasted.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 7 Translating Profiles into Dialogue and Actions

Lisa’s Translated Characters

What I’ve learned is…that feelings and traits can change the way a person can react to different situations. Everyone is special and different in various ways.

Lisa’s Full-out Characters

Situation: Mary confronts Peter about his spiraling mental health (this scene is not currently in the outline, but will be added to show how their relationship has evolved)

Character 1 Name: Mary Winters

1. Basic character traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven

2. Want/Need:

· Mary’s mom (recently deceased) always took pride in running the IAWL festival and now Mary must follow in her footsteps and make it a success for herself, her daughters, and her mom.

· Mary wants love but became disillusioned when her marriage ended. They were high school sweethearts and she thought they’d be together forever. She has a tough time trusting men now.

3. Paradoxes:

· Mary loves Joseph but is shy about jumping into another marriage.

· Mary wants to do everything by herself, but she needs help; she is warring on the inside as to whether to give in and ask for more help.

4. Secret:

· Mary is planning to move the family to Albany after she pulls off the festival, but she hasn’t told anyone but her best friend, Angel Lee.

5. Flaw:

· Being too head strong and not giving in to help or love…for her forever happiness.

6. Special:

· Mary believes in conquering her fears head on…at least on the outside. Mary has a wicked sense of humor even though she’s very intense.

7. Subtext:

Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.

8. Character Arc:

Issue –

Mary admits she hates the movie It’s a Wonderful Life; she’s a realist who thinks it’s fantasy. Mary is tainted and sarcastic about the world she’s living in because of disappointments. Mary takes on the organizing of the festival not just because her mom did it, but mostly because her nemesis Violet was the only other person who wanted the job…and Mary couldn’t have that! Mary can’t commit to Joseph because of her fear of being disappointed again. Mary still cares for Peter, her ex-husband/high school sweetheart, and wants to help him, but maybe if she wasn’t so preoccupied with Peter’s messes, she could move on with Joseph. Mary desperately wants to be perfect in everything she does but is far from it. No one knows it, but since her mom has passed, Mary has decided it’s time to move to a bigger city. She plans to move with her daughters to Albany right after the festival.

Challenges –

Challenge 1: In the opening scene, Mary is afraid of heights but goes over the George Bailey bridge anyway because she has a duty as a volunteer firefighter to save lives. But because of her fear she chews him out after she saves the man.

Challenge 2: Mary is overwhelmed with the festival and juggling all the different components. She almost loses it in the community meeting to assign all the festival tasks. She gives up her only joy in the festival…playing Mary Bailey.

Challenge 3: Mary keeps ignoring her children’s cries of missing Santa on the NORAD site.

Challenge 4: Mary can’t get in contact with Peter. And we find out that the person she saved from the bridge that night was Peter. Now she’s got to find him, so he doesn’t hurt himself or someone else.

Challenge 5: Mary is forced to give up her “I have to do it all myself” attitude and enlist the help of the townspeople to find Peter and still pull off the festival at the same time.

Challenge 6: Mary again must confront her fear of heights by climbing on the roof to save Peter. After protecting Peter, Mary falls off the roof where Joseph catches her, and she starts to think about him differently…he has always been there for her even when she’s rejected him.

Challenge 7: Mary gathers her courage to forgive Peter everything from the past so that she can move into the future with Joseph.

Transformation:

Mary sees the amazing heart of the town when they come together to make the festival a success for her and save Peter from losing his business by giving him the festival money. Mary starts to rethink leaving Seneca Falls…and has decided to say yes to Joseph the next time he asks.

9. Character Logline:

Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success.

*Using those with asterisks next to them*

What would a competitive person do or say?

*Let the other know that he must save himself. Compare their life to the other’s life. *One up the other person.

What would a clever person do or say?

*Try to disperse the conflict with humor or sarcasm. *Trick the other person in to seeing their position. Play the sympathy card to try to get at their heartstrings

What would a energetic person do or say?

Say all will work out and be fine; *Say what they have to say and then dart because they are too busy; Put the person off because they don’t have time to listen. Cut the other person off because they can’t wait to say their opinion.

What would a driven person do or say?

Act as a Coach; coach them to do their best; If I can recover, you can recover; *Pull yourself up by the bootstraps – you’re a war hero after all!

Character 2 Name: Peter Winters

1. Basic character traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate

2. Want/Need:

· Peter wants to save his life. He must climb out of the hole he’s dug himself into due to circumstances.

· Peter is driven by his daughters. He wants them to be proud of him.

3. Paradoxes:

· Peter struggles within between doing what is right versus what he thinks will save his life. Peter is unstable and convinces himself that kidnapping Santa is the only way out of his situation.

4. Secret:

· Peter knows that Santa is real because he worked for NORAD before being shipped out to war. He threatens to expose Santa as real if he doesn’t cooperate with him.

5. Flaw:

· Peter needs help (like Mary) but is a former military man who thinks he must be strong on his own.

6. Special:

· Peter loves to laugh. Mary’s humor is what drew him to her in the first place.

7. Subtext:

· Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status

8. Character Arc:

Issue –

Peter got help with his PTSD when he first returned home from overseas. He was doing well for a few years, but the work dried up when there wasn’t any snow for 3 years. He’s made due for himself by working odd jobs for neighbors but hasn’t been able to take care of his daughters in the way he wants. His depression has returned. He is getting more and more desperate.

Challenges –

Challenge 1: Peter can’t believe he’s fallen so far after years of building his business after returning from war. He must deal with his depression.

Challenge 2: Peter concocts a scheme to kidnap Santa based on his knowledge of NORAD. Can he pull it off?

Challenge 3: Once he pulls off the kidnapping and gets what he needs, what is end game?

Challenge 4: Peter must face his fears and forgive himself in order to make everything right with Santa, the town, and his family.

9. Character Logline:

Peter is a war veteran hero who is about to lose his snowmobile business due to no snowfall, and he knows that Santa Claus is real from his time in the government, so he will use that knowledge to try to save his business.

*Using those with asterisks next to them*

What would a depressed person do or say?

Would say he can’t go on. No one loves me or really cares. *Everyone would be better without me. *Acts in a destructive manner.

What would a kind person do or say?

Agree with the other person. *Promise to commit to recovery. Say that they will try. Try to smile.

What would a lost person do or say?

*Be inconsistent in what they do and speak. Think and say that the end is near. *Hold their head down a lot. Frown.

What would a desperate person do or say?

Will do anything to get out of their current situation. *Take it to the extreme if they think it will help. Say anything to anyone to help their cause.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Character Chemistry

“What have I learned from this assignment?” is that relationships are the building blocks for the dialogue. If you know your characters relationships than it is easier to write those relationships into the scenes and thus enhance the story.

Mary Winters/Peter Winters – They were high school sweethearts. They have two daughters together and lived through his war deployment. They argue over his issues and how to raise the kids. When Peter jumped off the George Bailey bridge 3 years ago, Mary was done and filed for divorce.

Mary Winters/Joseph Bishop – they work together at the winery, they have dated on and off for 2 years, Joseph has tried several times to ask Mary to marry him, but she always shuts him down. Joseph is a wealthy fellow from NYC and Mary is a small-town girl.

Mary Winters/Violet – Mary and Violet have been rivals since kindergarten. They’ve been competitive with each other all these years. Mary was the clever, book smart one and Violet the beautiful athlete. Both overachievers who can’t see their world with the other in it.

Mary Winters/Annie Lee – Mary and Annie are best friends. Annie was a fish out of water in a town with few Asians and Mary befriended her in elementary school. They tell each other everything. They rarely fight.

Peter Winters/Tilly – Peter and Tilly met a little over year ago at Martini’s Bar. Peter looking for someone to help him forget his past. Tilly moved to Seneca Falls after a nasty break-up, so was also looking to forget. They bonded over their sad pasts. Tilly tries hard to make it work…she wants Peter to try as hard, so they butt heads.

Peter Winters/Santa Claus – Peter was raised by a single mom and was always disappointed come Christmas time when his dad didn’t show up. Santa remembers Peter as a child, and he’ll never give up on Peter. Peter and Santa met years ago when Peter worked for NORAD, prior to being deployed. Peter had been assigned to check out the safety of Santa at the North Pole. Peter was all business when they met then, and Santa continually tried to disarm him…to no avail.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Character Arc

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” that the further we go into this process the deeper my story and characters develop. It’s slowly building my confidence.

CHARACTER ARC (Mary Winters in “Mary’s Christmas”)

Issue –

Mary admits she hates the movie It’s a Wonderful Life; she’s a realist who thinks it’s fantasy. Mary is tainted and sarcastic about the world she’s living in because of disappointments. Mary takes on the organizing of the festival not just because her mom did it, but mostly because her nemesis Violet was the only other person who wanted the job…and Mary couldn’t have that! Mary can’t commit to Joseph because of her fear of being disappointed again. Mary still cares for Peter, her ex-husband/high school sweetheart, and wants to help him, but maybe if she wasn’t so preoccupied with Peter’s messes, she could move on with Joseph. Mary desperately wants to be perfect in everything she does but is far from it. No one knows it, but since her mom has passed, Mary has decided it’s time to move to a bigger city. She plans to move with her daughters to Albany right after the festival.

Challenges –

Challenge 1: In the opening scene, Mary is afraid of heights but goes over the George Bailey bridge anyway because she has a duty as a volunteer firefighter to save lives. But because of her fear she chews him out after she saves the man.

Challenge 2: Mary is overwhelmed with the festival and juggling all the different components. She almost loses it in the community meeting to assign all the festival tasks. She gives up her only joy in the festival…playing Mary Bailey.

Challenge 3: Mary keeps ignoring her children’s cries of missing Santa on the NORAD site.

Challenge 4: Mary can’t get in contact with Peter. And we find out that the person she saved from the bridge that night was Peter. Now she’s got to find him, so he doesn’t hurt himself or someone else.

Challenge 5: Mary is forced to give up her “I have to do it all myself” attitude and enlist the help of the townspeople to find Peter and still pull off the festival at the same time.

Challenge 6: Mary again must confront her fear of heights by climbing on the roof to save Peter. After protecting Peter, Mary falls off the roof where Joseph catches her, and she starts to think about him differently…he has always been there for her even when she’s rejected him.

Challenge 7: Mary gathers her courage to forgive Peter everything from the past so that she can move into the future with Joseph.

Transformation:

Mary sees the amazing heart of the town when they come together to make the festival a success for her and save Peter from losing his business by giving him the festival money. Mary starts to rethink leaving Seneca Falls…and has decided to say yes to Joseph the next time he asks.

[Lisa Paris Long]

DAY 4: CHARACTERIZATION

Lisa’s Characters Live!

“What I learned from this is . . .” sometimes the voice of the character naturally comes out when you start to write it and sometimes it doesn’t so you have to play with it until it appears to you.

OPENING SCENES of “MARY’S CHRISTMAS” – INTRODUCTION OF MARY WINTERS.

MARY WINTERS (VOICEOVER)(Sarcastically)

Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY

SHOTS OF MAIN STREET LIT UP AT NIGHT. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls”. For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it…

Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE.

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

Oh no. There it is the George Bailey bridge sitting in the middle of town and haunting us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)

THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET

MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)

Well, the church marks the end of downtown, except if you look across the street you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…

You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the last 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.

Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. I tried to get out of it, but no one else wanted the job. Well, except for Violet. I COULDN’T let Violet have it. She’s been after everything “ME” since kindergarten. See I’m an overachiever and Violet has always been jealous of me. So, I have no choice but to suck it up and put on the best dawg gone festival ever!

(MARY makes gagging noises)

FADE OUT

FADE UP

EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

It’s pouring buckets of rain. A firetruck with its siren going comes barreling up Main Street to the edge of the George Baily bridge. As the firetruck starts to cross, it comes to a halt. In the headlights MARY, a firecracker in a fire suit at 36 and her partner, BERT, a mild-mannered man in his 50’s can see a tall MAN in his 40’s on the bridge.

BERT

Is that who I think it is?

MARY

Oh, for god’s sake! Hook me up to the truck and I’ll go talk to him.

BERT

You sure you don’t want me to do it?!

MARY

You know I have to do this!

MARY and BERT jump out of the truck and BERT ties MARY to the front. MARY approaches the man up on the railing.

MARY (yelling over the rain)

Hey there! What’cha doing?

MAN

I can’t go on like this!

MARY

If you jump, you’re going to hurt yourself. What about your children? Do you want to leave them without a father?

MAN

You take care of them…or Bert!

MARY TIES HERSELF TO THE MAN

MAN

Get off of me!

MARY

Your children need they’re dad. Come on down and let’s talk about it.

MAN

No more talking!

The MAN jumps off the bridge and MARY goes too because they are tied together. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the rope isn’t long enough to hit the water, so they are hanging above the water and rocks in the rain.

MARY

Now what are you going to do!

The MAN tries to untie the knot in the rope. Another firetruck arrives on the bank of the river and shines a light on the situation.

MAN

Let me go!

MARY

There is no way I’m letting you drop without me and I’m not going into that cold water! Bert! Bert!

BERT starts backing up the firetruck to try to pull up MARY and the MAN. The rope breaks.

MARY(SCREAMS)

Bert!!

MARY and the MAN fall into the running river with rocks around them. MARY is holding onto the MAN with dear life and trying to swim to the shore.

MARY

I’m going to hurt you when we get out of this!

MAN

Let me go!

MARY

Sam!! Pull us out!

SAM and another FIREFIGHTER, wade into the water to throw them a line. MARY and the MAN go under. Then MARY pops up and lifts the MAN up.

SAM

Grab the line, Mary!

MARY

He’s fighting me!

MAN

Let me go!!

SAM

Kick him in the nuts!

MARY twists herself and kicks the MAN in his nuts. He stops fighting her long enough for her to grab the line. SAM and the other FIREFIGHTER wade in far enough to grab MARY and the MAN. MARY and the MAN lie in the pouring rain on the bank of the river.

MARY

What the hell are you thinking!!

MARY starts to hit the MAN. The MAN starts to cry.

MARY

Stop crying, will ya!! It’ll be alright.

MARY pulls the MAN toward her. MARY holds the MAN tight as he sobs.

MARY (feeling badly)

Stop crying, I won’t hit you anymore.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Dueling Agendas

“What did you learn from this assignment?” that making each character be their own voice adds dimension to the scenes.

Name: MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Energetic, Clever, DRIVEN
Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.

Name: JOSEPH BISHOP
Traits: Intelligent, Stubborn, Happy, REFINED
Subtext: Fear: Afraid of losing Mary and her girls and being alone.

OUTLINE FOR “MARY’S CHRISTMAS”

32. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

33. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

FADE UP ON THE FRONT YEARD OF MARY’S HOUSE. RUTHIE AND JANIE ARE PLAYING IN THE SNOW. IT IS SNOWING HARD AND UNCLE BILLY IS RUNNING AROUND BARKING AT THE GIRLS. JOSEPH AND MARY ARE LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.

CUT TO INSIDE MARY’S HOUSE.

MARY

They are so happy. (Moving away from the window) I haven’t heard from Peter. I don’t know if he’s going to show for Christmas tomorrow. The girls will be really disappointed.

JOSEPH

I’ll make it up to them.

MARY

What? You think you can fix everything that is wrong with my life. Well, you can’t. You can’t fix Peter!

JOSEPH

No, I can’t fix Peter. I can only try to make Christmas wonderful for you and your girls.

MARY

You want to tie everything up with a nice little bow. It’s not your place to make Christmas wonderful for my girls. It’s mine!

JOSEPH

Maybe it’s ours?

MARY

There is no ours…yet.

JOSEPH

What does that mean? I want to be with you…and with the girls. I care for all of you.

MARY

Well, just stop! It’s too much too soon.

JOSEPH

It’s been three years.

MARY

Why does everyone keep saying that? It doesn’t matter how long it’s been. It only matters how Janie and Ruthie feel.

JOSEPH

And you.

MARY

No, only Janie and Ruthie matter to me.

JOSEPH

(Looking out window)

They seem to be doing okay.

MARY

Look Joe if you really, truly care about us, you will just be patient.

JOSEPH

Okay. I will wait a while longer.

MARY

Just a while, huh?

JOSEPH

If this is never going to move forward, like I want it to, then I don’t know how long I will wait.

MARY

Great. Then why don’t you cut your losses now and leave?

JOSEPH

I’m going to go, but I will return. You are obviously having a bad day.

MARY

What! Get out!

JOSEPH

I meant what I said. I will return.

JOSEPH puts on his coat and leaves. MARY watches from the window as he says goodbye to the girls and drives away. UNCLE BILLY barks to get in. MARY grabs a towel and meets him at the front door. MARY sweeps him up in her arms and sits down rubbing him with the towel. Tears start to fall from MARY’s eyes as UNCLE BILLY licks her face.

FADE OUT

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Subtext and Loglines

DAY 2 Character Subtext and Logline

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” that the characters need outlining like the plot. The what, the when, the how. Filling in the blanks of the characters subtext enhances the story.

Name: MARY WINTERS

Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, DRIVEN

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time and finding him dead.

Character Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success.

Possible areas of subtext: Mary loves Joseph but is shy about jumping into another marriage, so she keeps shooting him down. Mary wants to do everything by herself, but she needs help. Mary is spinning and can crack at any moment. Mary wears several hats of mom, firefighter, community organizer, Santa for festival, etc.

Name: PETER WINTERS

Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, DESPARATE

Subtext: Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status

Character Logline: Peter is a war veteran hero who is about to lose his snowmobile business due to no snowfall, and he knows that Santa Claus is real from his time in the government, so he will use that knowledge to try to save his business.

Possible areas of subtext: After the bridge fiasco a few months ago, Peter has decided that he needs to save his life. Peter is driven to dig himself out of his situation by his daughters. Peter goes to counseling. Peter has a girlfriend, Tilly, so he’s lovable. Peter is unstable and convinces himself that kidnapping Santa is the only way out of his situation.

Name: JOSEPH BISHOP

Traits: Intelligent, Stubborn, Happy, REFINED

Subtext: AFRAID: Afraid of losing Mary and her girls

Character Logline: Joseph is a successful businessman who owns and operates the local winery even though he’s a recovering alcoholic, but he wants to marry Mary and settle down once and for all.

Possible areas of subtext: Joseph gets shot down by Mary more than once. Joseph proves himself more than once by kind and helpful acts.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Characters – DAY 1: Creating Character Profiles

“What I learned doing this assignment is…” that homing in on personality traits will help later in the process when writing dialogue. And that knowing this information will feed into the characters motivations, actions, and reactions too.

“Mary’s Christmas” (Rom-Com)

Character Name: MARY WINTERS

1. Basic character traits:

What are 3 or 4 traits that this character consistently operates
out of? Usually, one of those traits needs to be unique to keep
the character from being cliche.

1. Must do everything herself to prove her worth

2. Never gives up

3. Disillusioned when it comes to love

4. Doesn’t trust easily

5. Big soft spot for children and animals

6. Scared of heights, but became a volunteer firefighter to overcome her fear

2. Want/Need

What does this character want throughout this story? What is the
underlying need that is driving that want?

1. Mary’s mom (recently deceased) always took pride in running the IAWL festival and now Mary must follow in her footsteps and make it a success for herself, her daughters, and her mom.

2. Mary wants love but became disillusioned when her marriage ended. They were high school sweethearts and she thought they’d be together forever. She has a tough time trusting men now.

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)

What opposite values does this character have that creates an
internal conflict for them?

1. Mary loves Joseph but is shy about jumping into another marriage.

2. Mary wants to do everything by herself, but she needs help; she is warring on the inside as to whether to give in and ask for more help.

4. Secret:

What are they hiding that ultimately could keep them from getting
their desire in this story?

Mary is planning to move the family to Albany after she pulls off the festival, but she hasn’t told anyone but her best friend, Angel Lee.

5. Flaw:

What weakness or dysfunction does this character have that makes
them human?

Being too head strong and not giving in to help or love…for her forever happiness.

6. Special:

The thing that completely separates this character from all others.
It could be the part of them that is odd or intense or cool or profound.

Mary believes in conquering her fears head on…at least on the outside. Mary has a wicked sense of humor even though she’s very intense.

Character Name: PETER WINTERS

1. Basic character traits:

What are 3 or 4 traits that this character consistently operates
out of? Usually, one of those traits needs to be unique to keep
the character from being cliche.

1. Depressed and feeling a failure after his divorce

2. Suffers from PTSD as a war hero

3. Desperate to get a win in life

4. A kind person at heart

2. Want/Need

What does this character want throughout this story? What is the
underlying need that is driving that want?

1. Peter wants to save his life. He must climb out of the hole he’s dug himself into due to circumstances.

2. Peter is driven by his daughters. He wants them to be proud of him.

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)

What opposite values does this character have that creates an
internal conflict for them?

Peter struggles within between doing what is right versus what he thinks will save his life. Peter is unstable and convinces himself that kidnapping Santa is the only way out of his situation.

4. Secret:

What are they hiding that ultimately could keep them from getting
their desire in this story?

Peter knows that Santa is real because he worked for NORAD before being shipped out to war. He threatens to expose Santa as real if he doesn’t cooperate with him.

5. Flaw:

What weakness or dysfunction does this character have that makes
them human?

Peter needs help (like Mary) but is a former military man who thinks he must be strong on his own.

6. Special:

The thing that completely separates this character from all others.
It could be the part of them that is odd or intense or cool or profound.

Peter loves to laugh. Mary’s humor is what drew him to her in the first place.

Character Name: JOSEPH BISHOP

1. Basic character traits:

What are 3 or 4 traits that this character consistently operates
out of? Usually, one of those traits needs to be unique to keep
the character from being cliche.

1. Used to getting what he wants in business

2. Stubborn

3. Annoyingly good disposition

2. Want/Need

What does this character want throughout this story? What is the
underlying need that is driving that want?

Joseph wants stability by marrying Mary…he has the business success, now he wants it in his personal life too.

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)

What opposite values does this character have that creates an
internal conflict for them?

Joseph starts to doubt and wonder if Mary will ever come around. He contemplates how long he can keep asking her before he decides to move on. Is he embarrassing himself?

4. Secret:

What are they hiding that ultimately could keep them from getting
their desire in this story?

Joseph always told people that he didn’t want children. He never told Mary this, but plenty of people in town know it, and they could tell her any minute.

5. Flaw:

What weakness or dysfunction does this character have that makes
them human?

Joseph is a recovering alcoholic running a winery. He faces temptation every day.

6. Special:

The thing that completely separates this character from all others.
It could be the part of them that is odd or intense or cool or profound.

Joseph is tall and handsome, but he has no idea. He is self-deprecating.

[Lisa Paris Long]

All Critiques are Welcome!

Lisa’s Outline – Version 1

“MARY’S CHRISTMAS”

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.
B. Plot Choice: Rescue
C. Character Structure: Rom-Com
D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who *does X in the story*.):

1. Mary is the organizer of the town’s It’s a Wonderful Life festival, a volunteer firefighter, winery worker, and mom of two daughters who tries to do everything herself and never gives up.

2. Peter is Mary’s ex-husband and a decorated war veteran who is struggling as a snowmobile mechanic because there hasn’t been snow in over 3 years.

3. Joseph, the local winery/vineyard owner, is in love with Mary and he is trying to get her to commit to him.

E. Dramatic Question: Can Mary save Santa from the kidnappers and pull off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival at the same time?
F. Main Conflict: Mary must stop Santa’s kidnapper when she finds out it’s her ex-husband, Peter.
G. Dilemma: Mary must decide whether to try and save her ex-husband or just Santa and let it play out with law enforcement.
H. Theme: She is not alone who has friends…and family.
I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Mary must enlist the help of others even though she doesn’t like to ask for help. She goes from closed to opened.
J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Opening: Mary has taken over the organizing of the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival from her mother. Her ex-husband and the father of her two daughters, Peter, is about to go to jail for not paying back taxes. He hasn’t worked steadily as the owner of a snowmobile shop in 3 years because it hasn’t snowed. The opening scene is Mary, as volunteer firefighter, saving Peter from jumping off the George Bailey bridge.

Inciting Incident: After seeing his daughters watching Santa on the NORAD tracking site, Peter gets the idea to kidnap Santa. He and his girlfriend, Tilly head to the north pole. Mary learns that someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for town and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Santa has been kidnapped by Peter at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival. Government law enforcement officers are in pursuit of Peter and Tilly.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary can’t get ahold of her ex-husband to invite him to the house Christmas eve…the day before he is scheduled to go to jail.

Mid-Point: Mary starts to suspect that the kidnapped Santa and her husband have something to do with each other.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary knows that Peter is on a destructive path and thinks about what her life would be without him. She must help him.

Crisis: Mary reports Peter and Santa missing to the police who laugh at her. Mary turns to the townspeople to help her find Peter.

Climax: Peter wants Santa to tell him how he goes down the chimney. Santa refuses and tries to talk Peter out of further criminal behavior. Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the event.

Resolution: Santa vouches for Peter and tells the police to let him go. The town gives Peter the money from the festival to pay his debt and stay out of jail. Joseph agrees to foot the bill for next year’s festival. Peter and Tilly are at Mary’s on Christmas Day to see the girls. Mary finally decides she loves Joseph and agrees to marry him. They marry at the church and leave on a firetruck.

OUTLINE OF MARY’S CHRISTMAS

1. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that Seneca Falls was the inspiration for the movie It’s a Wonderful Life and each year they put on a festival to celebrate it. As she speaks, we see…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY.

VOICEOVER-MARY (Continues)

Mary talks about growing up in Seneca Falls and how her mother planned the first festival and all the subsequent ones until her death last year.

2. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

In their firetruck, Mary and her partner come across a man on the George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain. He jumps. Mary hates heights, but she jumps in and ends up saving him and then lays into him about what he was trying to do.

3. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of baked Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival and she calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is sitting behind her with his head cocked and goes over to his bowl and eats.

4. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie (Mary’s daughter) is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer, and she yells downstairs to her mom that the computer is broken. Mary calls back for her to come on; she closes the computer and runs downstairs.

5. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

During breakfast, Mary is multitasking for the festival when Janie and Ruthie climb on Mary’s lap because they miss their grandma. Uncle Billy runs around barking and jumping on them (because he doesn’t like anyone touching Mary), they laugh.

6. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

As Peter enters the kitchen of the Ma Jenkins Boarding House, Ma orders her grandson to stand because a decorated war hero is entering the room.

7. INT-SUV-DAY

On the way to school, Mary nearly runs over Peter when he steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary let’s Peter say hi to the girls who are looking on a phone at the NORAD site, and they show it to him.

8. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives with his toolbox at the porch of Mr. Reed and asks what he can do to help. Peter agrees to fix the boards on the porch.

9. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with her best friend Angel, and they discuss what happened at the courthouse with Peter. Joseph asks Mary out and she declines.

10. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter rings the parsonage bell. The pastor Frank answers, and they walk over to the church where Peter agrees to clean the pews.

11. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Mary squirms, but accepts a raise when Joseph offers it.

12. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Peter is facing tough times because there hasn’t been any snow and he’s a snowmobile repair man. Judge Campbell will send him to jail on Christmas day if he doesn’t produce the money for his back taxes.

13. INT-COURTROOM HALLWAY-DAY

Mary sees Peter and his girlfriend, Tilly arguing about Peter’s idea to kidnap Santa, but Mary can’t hear them. Tilly storms off and Mary approaches Peter to discuss their girls and Christmas.

14. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives at Mrs. Thomas’s and begins mowing the lawn. She comes out on the porch to give him some iced tea.

15. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.

16. INT-MARTINI’S BAR-DAY

Peter enters and sits next to Bert (Peter’s older brother) at the bar. Peter gets teary eyed about going to jail and his daughters as Bert tries to give him a pep talk.

17. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight at the Community Center – All Are Welcome!’

18. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles as elves and Mrs. Claus yell after them.

19. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen, but it’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to find Santa.

20. EXT-FOREST US BORDER-DAY

Snow is starting to thin as Peter and Tilly continue by foot with blindfolded Santa in tow.

21. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

22. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-NIGHT

Mary and Angel discuss how good Joseph is with the girls, then Joseph tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it. Introduction of other townspeople including Harry, Mary’s father, Ernie, Tilly’s boyfriend, and Mayor Partridge.

23. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

24. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles. They can’t figure out where they are headed at first.

25. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Mary looks at the site and says it’s just a temporary issue.

26. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary tells Angel that her saving Peter from drowning ruined their relationship and caused the divorce. Angel asks why not move on with Joseph.

27. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

28. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in New York. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

29. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Vignettes of different townspeople working their jobs during the festival.

30. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door of the shop and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

31. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds a tracking device on Santa and interrogates him on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

32. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

33. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

34. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls and they ask Ernie if he’s seen a Santa. Ernie nods as Dash & Don turn around to see a sea of Santa’s running in the Santa 5k.

35. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

At the theater, Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now. Mary has Janie and Ruthie with her, and they all leave for the center.

36. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Tilly quits and leaves the shop.

37. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

The town Santa is sick, and Mary puts on the Santa suit because Angel has the radio show to do. Mary leaves Janie and Ruthie at the community center where Joseph will pick them up for the parade.

38. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter dressed as Santa too, leaves the shop with Santa and they head towards town. Mary drives up to the shop looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

39. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Dash and Don run alongside the running Santa’s in the 5k trying to spot the “real” Santa. At the same time. Peter and Santa use the running Santa’s as a shield to get to the houses at the other end of town.

40. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

As Joseph is on his way to pick up the girls at the community center, he notices smoke coming out of the roof. He calls 911 and enters the building.

41. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Joseph comes out of the burning building with the girls in tow. Others are running out too.

42. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Mary runs through the crowd in her Santa suit and goes inside. After the fire is out, she checks on the girls and then runs off talking on her festival walkie talky.

43. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might do something terrible and leaves in frustration

44. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house where Peter has hidden a ladder.

45. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the firetruck to play Santa as Tilly runs up and tells Mary what Peter has done and where they are headed. Mary jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.

46. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Tilly finds Angel and Joe who are marching in the parade as Mary and George Bailey and tells them what’s happening with Mary and Peter. Joseph takes off and Angel stays with Janie and Ruthie who are in the parade as Bailey children.

47. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don spot a Santa far away running toward a neighborhood and they take off after the Santa (Mary).

48. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and trades places with him as Peter struggles with the ladder. Mary is still afraid of heights, but she gets on the roof anyway. Mary and Peter argue.

49. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has taken Mary’s place on the firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho!

50. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Peter tries to force Santa (Mary) down the chimney, and they struggle while Dash & Don point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof where Joseph catches her, and they fall in the snow.

51. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

The real Santa comes running and convinces Dash & Don to let Peter go.

52. INT-COURTROOM-CHRISTMAS EVE DAY

Peter turns himself in for the tax charges. Ma Jenkins, Bert, Mr. Reed, Pastor Frank, Mrs. Thomas each vouches for Peter, as the town pays his back taxes with the festival money. They found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

53. INT-HOUSE-CHRISTMAS EVE

Ruthie, Janie, Uncle Billy, Peter, and Tilly are celebrating with the girls by watching IAWL on tv.

54. EXT-PORCH-CHRISTMAS EVE

Joseph asks Mary to marry him, and Mary accepts because she knows Joseph volunteered to sponsor next year’s festival. And as they kiss Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

55. INT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

The congregation sings “Hark the Harold Angels Sing” with candles lit as Joseph and Mary walk down the aisle. Uncle Billy carries the ring around his neck.

56. EXT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

Mary and Joseph come out of the church into the snow and get on top of a firetruck with the lights on and Just Married on the back. They drive off.

57. EXT-SENECA FALLS-NIGHT

SHOTS OF TOWN LIT FOR CHRISTMAS

58. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that “She is not alone who has friends…and family.”

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Outline – VERSION 2

OUTLINE OF MARY’S CHRISTMAS

1. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that Seneca Falls was the inspiration for the movie It’s a Wonderful Life and each year they put on a festival to celebrate it. As she speaks, we see…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY.

VOICEOVER-MARY (Continues)

Mary talks about growing up in Seneca Falls and how her mother planned the first festival and all the subsequent ones until her death last year. And that she has always been an overachiever.

Mary tells of her ex-husband Peter’s journey working for NORAD before he went to war and their big secret. That Santa is real!

2. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

In their firetruck, Mary and her partner come across a man on the George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain. Mary hates heights. She is tied to the firetruck as she grabs the man, and they go over the edge. As they are hanging from the bridge, Mary lays into the man about what he was trying to do. Her partner pulls them up.

3. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of baked Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival and she calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is sitting behind her with his head cocked and goes over to his bowl and eats.

4. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie (Mary’s daughter) is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer, and she yells downstairs to her mom that the computer is broken. Mary calls back for her to come on; she closes the computer and runs downstairs.

5. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

During breakfast, Mary is multitasking for the festival when Janie and Ruthie climb on Mary’s lap because they miss their grandma. Uncle Billy runs around barking and jumping on them (because he doesn’t like anyone touching Mary), they laugh.

6. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

As Peter enters the kitchen of the Ma Jenkins Boarding House. Ma gives Peter his mail including one red envelope; the final notice to pay his mortgage or lose his snowmobile shop. He has until Christmas Day to pay. It hasn’t snowed for 3 years.

7. INT-SUV-DAY

On the way to school, Mary nearly runs over Peter when he is preoccupied and steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary let’s Peter say hi to the girls who are looking on a phone at the NORAD site, and they show it to him.

8. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives with his toolbox at the porch of Mr. Reed and asks what he can do to help. Peter agrees to fix the boards on the porch.

9. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with her best friend Angel, and they discuss what’s happening with Peter. Joseph asks Mary out and she declines.

10. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter rings the parsonage bell. The pastor Frank answers, and they walk over to the church where Peter agrees to clean the pews.

11. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Mary squirms, but accepts a raise when Joseph offers it.

12. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter tells Tilly he has a plan to kidnap Santa, get Santa to steal gifts from houses and his friend, Sower will fence them for the money. Tilly laughs…Santa! Peter explains that he worked at NORAD and knows Santa is real. Tilly scoffs and accuses him of being cray cray.

13. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.

14. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives at Mrs. Thomas’s and begins mowing the lawn. She comes out on the porch to give him some iced tea.

15. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight at the Community Center – All Are Welcome!’

16. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-EVENING

Mary and Angel discuss how good Joseph is with the girls, then Joseph tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it. Introduction of other townspeople including Harry, Mary’s father, Ernie, Anna’s boyfriend, and Mayor Partridge.

17. INT-MARTINI’S BAR-NIGHT

Peter enters and sits next to Bert (Peter’s older brother) at the bar. Peter gets teary eyed about losing everything and his daughters. Bert asks Peter if he’s taking his meds and if he’s still in PTSD therapist. Peter doesn’t answer.

18. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary tells Angel that her saving Peter from drowning ruined their relationship and caused the divorce. Angel asks why not move on with Joseph.

19. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter is loading up a truck with a snowmobile and supplies. Tilly says she still thinks he’s crazy, but she can’t let him go alone.

20. INT-FIREHOUSE-DAY

Mary leads a review of where the firetrucks are going to be positioned prior to the parade for the other volunteer firefighters. The Firetrucks end the parade with Santa on top of the last one.

21. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter pretends to have a gun. Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles as elves and Mrs. Claus yell after them.

22. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen, but it’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to find Santa.

23. EXT-FOREST US BORDER-DAY

Snow is starting to thin as Peter and Tilly continue by foot with blindfolded Santa in tow. They stop and transfer to the truck. Peter removes Santa’s blindfold. Santa recognizes Peter as an agent he worked with years ago.

24. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

25. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

26. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles. They can’t figure out where they are headed at first.

27. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Mary looks at the site and says it’s just a temporary issue.

28. INT-TRAIN-DAY

Santa asks Peter why he’s doing this. Santa tries to convince Peter to let him go. Peter threatens to expose him to the world if he leaves.

29. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in New York. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

30. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

31. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Vignettes of different townspeople working their jobs during the festival.

32. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door of the shop and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

33. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds a tracking device on Santa and interrogates him on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

34. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

35. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

36. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls and they ask Ernie if he’s seen a Santa. Ernie nods as Dash & Don turn around to see a sea of Santa’s running in the Santa 5k.

37. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

At the theater, Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now. Mary has Janie and Ruthie with her, and they all leave for the center.

38. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Peter tells Tilly they will let Santa go as soon as he gets what he needs. Tilly quits and leaves the shop.

39. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

The town Santa is sick, and Mary puts on the Santa suit because Angel has the radio show to do. Mary leaves Janie and Ruthie at the community center where Joseph will pick them up for the parade.

40. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter dressed as Santa too, leaves the shop with Santa and they head towards town. Mary drives up to the shop looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

41. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Dash and Don run alongside the running Santa’s in the 5k trying to spot the “real” Santa. At the same time. Peter and Santa use the running Santa’s as a shield to get to the houses at the other end of town.

42. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

As Joseph (dressed as George Bailey) is on his way to pick up the girls at the community center, he notices smoke coming out of the roof. He calls 911 and enters the building.

43. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Joseph comes out of the burning building with the girls in tow. Others are running out too.

44. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Mary runs through the crowd in her Santa suit and goes inside. After the fire is out, she checks on the girls. Then runs off talking on her festival walkie talky to move the community center events to the Women’s Right’s Museum.

45. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might do something terrible and leaves in frustration.

46. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house where Peter has hidden a ladder.

47. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the firetruck to play Santa as Tilly runs up and tells Mary what Peter has done and where they are headed. Mary jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.

48. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Tilly finds Angel and Joe who are marching in the parade as Mary and George Bailey and tells them what’s happening with Mary and Peter. Joseph takes off and Angel stays with Janie and Ruthie who are in the parade as Bailey children.

49. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don spot a Santa far away running toward a neighborhood and they take off after the Santa (Mary).

50. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and trades places with him as Peter struggles with the ladder. Mary is still afraid of heights, but she gets on the roof anyway…scooting along the roofline. Mary and Peter argue.

51. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has taken Mary’s place on the firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho!

52. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Peter tries to force Santa (Mary) down the chimney, and they struggle while Dash & Don point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof where Joseph catches her, and they fall in the snow.

53. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

The real Santa comes running and convinces Dash & Don to let Peter go. Dash & Don take Peter into custody anyway to find out what happened for their report.

54. INT-COURTHOUSE-CHRISTMAS EVE DAY

Dash & Don release Peter. Ma Jenkins, Bert, Mr. Reed, Pastor Frank, Mrs. Thomas and all the townspeople show up on the steps for Peter, they have paid his mortgage with the festival money. They found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

55. INT-HOUSE-CHRISTMAS EVE

Ruthie, Janie, Uncle Billy, Peter, and Tilly are celebrating with the girls by watching IAWL on tv.

56. EXT-MARY’S PORCH-CHRISTMAS EVE

Joseph asks Mary to marry him, and Mary accepts because she knows Joseph volunteered to sponsor next year’s festival. And as they kiss Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

57. INT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

The congregation sings “Hark the Harold Angels Sing” with candles lit as Joseph and Mary walk down the aisle. Uncle Billy carries the ring around his neck.

58. EXT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

Mary and Joseph come out of the church into the snow and get on top of a firetruck with the lights on and Just Married on the back. They drive off.

59. EXT-SENECA FALLS-NIGHT

SHOTS OF TOWN LIT FOR CHRISTMAS

60. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that “No one is alone who has friends…and family.”

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Pass 10: Essence Only

What I Learned is that it is difficult to whittle the essence to one or two sentences for every scene.

A. Logline: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

B. Dramatic Question: Can Mary save Santa from the kidnappers and pull off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival at the same time?

C. Main Conflict: Mary must stop Santa’s kidnapper when she finds out that the kidnapper is the father of her daughters.

D. Dilemma: Mary must decide whether to try and save her ex-husband or just Santa and let it play out with law enforcement.

E. Theme: She is not alone who has friends…and family.

OUTLINE OF MARY’S CHRISTMAS

1. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that Seneca Falls was the inspiration for the movie It’s a Wonderful Life and each year they put on a festival to celebrate it. As she speaks, we see…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY.

VOICEOVER-MARY (Continues)

Mary talks about growing up in Seneca Falls and how her mother planned the first festival and all the subsequent ones until her death last year.

2. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

In their firetruck, Mary and her partner come across a man on the George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain. He jumps. Mary hates heights, but she jumps in and ends up saving him and then lays into him about what he was trying to do.

3. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of baked Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival and she calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is sitting behind her with his head cocked and goes over to his bowl and eats.

4. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie (Mary’s daughter) is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer, and she yells downstairs to her mom that the computer is broken. Mary calls back for her to come on; she closes the computer and runs downstairs.

5. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

During breakfast, Mary is multitasking for the festival when Janie and Ruthie climb on Mary’s lap because they miss their grandma. Uncle Billy runs around barking and jumping on them (because he doesn’t like anyone touching Mary), they laugh.

6. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

As Peter enters the kitchen of the Ma Jenkins Boarding House, Ma orders her grandson to stand because a decorated war hero is entering the room.

7. INT-SUV-DAY

On the way to school, Mary nearly runs over Peter when he steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary let’s Peter say hi to the girls who are looking on a phone at the NORAD site, and they show it to him.

8. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives with his toolbox at the porch of Mr. Reed and asks what he can do to help. Peter agrees to fix the boards on the porch.

9. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with her best friend Angel, and they discuss what happened at the courthouse with Peter. Joseph asks Mary out and she declines.

10. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter rings the parsonage bell. The pastor Frank answers, and they walk over to the church where Peter agrees to clean the pews.

11. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Mary squirms, but accepts a raise when Joseph offers it.

12. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Peter is facing tough times because there hasn’t been any snow and he’s a snowmobile repair man. Judge Campbell will send him to jail on Christmas day if he doesn’t produce the money for his back taxes.

13. INT-COURTROOM HALLWAY-DAY

Mary sees Peter and his girlfriend, Tilly arguing about Peter’s idea to kidnap Santa, but Mary can’t hear them. Tilly storms off and Mary approaches Peter to discuss their girls and Christmas.

14. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives at Mrs. Thomas’s and begins mowing the lawn. She comes out on the porch to give him some iced tea.

15. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.

16. INT-MARTINI’S BAR-DAY

Peter enters and sits next to Bert (Peter’s older brother) at the bar. Peter gets teary eyed about going to jail and his daughters as Bert tries to give him a pep talk.

17. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight at the Community Center – All Are Welcome!’

18. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles as elves and Mrs. Claus yell after them.

19. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen, but it’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to find Santa.

20. EXT-FOREST US BORDER-DAY

Snow is starting to thin as Peter and Tilly continue by foot with blindfolded Santa in tow.

21. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

22. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-NIGHT

Mary and Angel discuss how good Joseph is with the girls, then Joseph tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it. Introduction of other townspeople including Harry, Mary’s father, Ernie, Tilly’s boyfriend, and Mayor Partridge.

23. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

24. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles. They can’t figure out where they are headed at first.

25. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Mary looks at the site and says it’s just a temporary issue.

26. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary tells Angel that her saving Peter from drowning ruined their relationship and caused the divorce. Angel asks why not move on with Joseph.

27. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

28. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in New York. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

29. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Vignettes of different townspeople working their jobs during the festival.

30. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door of the shop and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

31. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds a tracking device on Santa and interrogates him on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

32. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

33. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

34. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls and they ask Ernie if he’s seen a Santa. Ernie nods as Dash & Don turn around to see a sea of Santa’s running in the Santa 5k.

35. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

At the theater, Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now. Mary has Janie and Ruthie with her, and they all leave for the center.

36. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Tilly quits and leaves the shop.

37. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

The town Santa is sick, and Mary puts on the Santa suit because Angel has the radio show to do. Mary leaves Janie and Ruthie at the community center where Joseph will pick them up for the parade.

38. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter dressed as Santa too, leaves the shop with Santa and they head towards town. Mary drives up to the shop looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

39. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Dash and Don run alongside the running Santa’s in the 5k trying to spot the “real” Santa. At the same time. Peter and Santa use the running Santa’s as a shield to get to the houses at the other end of town.

40. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

As Joseph is on his way to pick up the girls at the community center, he notices smoke coming out of the roof. He calls 911 and enters the building.

41. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Joseph comes out of the burning building with the girls in tow. Others are running out too.

42. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Mary runs through the crowd in her Santa suit and goes inside. After the fire is out, she checks on the girls and then runs off talking on her festival walkie talky.

43. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might do something terrible and leaves in frustration

44. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house where Peter has hidden a ladder.

45. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the firetruck to play Santa as Tilly runs up and tells Mary what Peter has done and where they are headed. Mary jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.

46. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Tilly finds Angel and Joe who are marching in the parade as Mary and George Bailey and tells them what’s happening with Mary and Peter. Joseph takes off and Angel stays with Janie and Ruthie who are in the parade as Bailey children.

47. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don spot a Santa far away running toward a neighborhood and they take off after the Santa (Mary).

48. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and trades places with him as Peter struggles with the ladder. Mary is still afraid of heights, but she gets on the roof anyway. Mary and Peter argue.

49. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has taken Mary’s place on the firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho!

50. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Peter tries to force Santa (Mary) down the chimney, and they struggle while Dash & Don point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof where Joseph catches her, and they fall in the snow.

51. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

The real Santa comes running and convinces Dash & Don to let Peter go.

52. INT-COURTROOM-CHRISTMAS EVE DAY

Peter turns himself in for the tax charges. Ma Jenkins, Bert, Mr. Reed, Pastor Frank, Mrs. Thomas each vouches for Peter, as the town pays his back taxes with the festival money. They found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

53. INT-HOUSE-CHRISTMAS EVE

Ruthie, Janie, Uncle Billy, Peter, and Tilly are celebrating with the girls by watching IAWL on tv.

54. EXT-PORCH-CHRISTMAS EVE

Joseph asks Mary to marry him, and Mary accepts because she knows Joseph volunteered to sponsor next year’s festival. And as they kiss Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

55. INT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

The congregation sings “Hark the Harold Angels Sing” with candles lit as Joseph and Mary walk down the aisle. Uncle Billy carries the ring around his neck.

56. EXT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

Mary and Joseph come out of the church into the snow and get on top of a firetruck with the lights on and Just Married on the back. They drive off.

57. EXT-SENECA FALLS-NIGHT

SHOTS OF TOWN LIT FOR CHRISTMAS

58. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that “She is not alone who has friends…and family.”

(Note: The RED text in #7 and #54 doesn’t mean anything. It’s only shows in red when I paste it in my Reply)

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate

What I Learned: there is always something to improve, and I ended up making many changes to other scenes that I didn’t flag for a problem or improvement.

1. Read your entire outline and FLAG every scene that has a problem. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.

Scenes that have a problem:

a. Scene 42 – problem with the community center fire

b. Segway between scenes 51 and 52, maybe add an additional scene

2. Read your entire outline again and flag any scene that can be improved in any way. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.

Scenes that can be improved:

a. Scene 6 – improve prominence of Ma Jenkins in Peter’s life

b. Scene 16 – beef up character of Bert, Peter’s brother

OUTLINE OF MARY’S CHRISTMAS

1. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that Seneca Falls was the inspiration for the movie It’s a Wonderful Life and each year they put on a festival to celebrate it. Seneca Falls also houses the IAWL museum. As she speaks, we see…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY.

VOICEOVER-MARY (Continues)

Mary talks about growing up in Seneca Falls. How her mother planned the first festival and over the years participated in all the annual events, Mary in tow.

2. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

In their firetruck, Mary and her partner come across a man on George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain who is crying and is up on the railing. Mary hates heights, but she ends up saving him and then lays into him about what he was trying to do.

3. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of baked Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival and she calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is already sitting behind her with his head cocked and then goes over to his bowl and eats.

4. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer, but it’s not working so she yells downstairs to her mom that the computer is broken. Mary calls back for her to come on, so she closes the computer and runs downstairs.

5. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

During breakfast, Mary is multitasking for the festival when Janie and Ruthie climb on Mary’s lap because they miss their grandma, but as Uncle Billy runs around barking and jumping on them (because he doesn’t like anyone touching Mary), they laugh.

6. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

As Peter enters the kitchen of the Ma Jenkins Boarding House, Ma orders her grandson to stand because a decorated war hero is entering the room.

7. INT-SUV-DAY

On the way to school, Mary nearly runs over Peter when he steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary let’s Peter say hi to the girls who are looking at a phone on the NORAD site, and they show it to him.

8. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives with his toolbox at the porch of Mr. Campbell asking what he can do and he agrees to fix the boards on the porch.

9. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with Angel, her best friend and they discuss what happened at the courthouse and Joseph, their boss. Joseph asks Mary out and she declines.

10. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter rings the parsonage bell. The pastor Harry Mills answers, and they walk over to the church where Peter agrees to clean the pews.

11. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Joe gives Mary a raise because of the situation with Peter.

12. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Peter is on hard times because there hasn’t been any snow and he’s a snowmobile repair man. Judge will send him to jail on Christmas day if he doesn’t come up with the money.

13. INT-COURTROOM HALLWAY-DAY

Mary sees Peter and his girlfriend, Tilly arguing about Peter’s idea to kidnap Santa, but Mary can’t hear them. Tilly storms off and Mary approaches Peter to discuss their girls and Christmas.

14. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives at Mrs. Thomas’s and begins mowing the lawn. She comes out on the porch to give him some iced tea.

15. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.

16. INT-MARTINI’S BAR-DAY

Peter enters and sits next to Bert (Peter’s older brother) at the bar. Peter gets deep and teary eyed as Bert tries to give him a pep talk.

17. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight at the Community Center – All Are Welcome!’

18. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles as elves and Mrs. Claus yell after them.

19. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen, but it’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to go find Santa.

20. EXT-FOREST-DAY

Snow is starting to thin as Peter and Tilly continue on foot with blindfolded Santa in tow.

21. EXT-ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

22. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-NIGHT

Mary and Angel discuss how good Joseph is with the girls, then Joseph tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it. Introduction of other townspeople.

23. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

24. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles. They can’t figure out where they are headed at first.

25. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Mary looks at the site and says it’s probably just a temporary issue.

26. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary tells Angel that her saving Peter from drowning ruined their relationship and caused the divorce. Angel asks why not move on with Joseph.

27. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

28. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in Seneca Falls, NY. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

29. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Vignettes of different townspeople working their jobs during the festival.

30. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door of the shop and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

31. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds a tracking device on Santa and interrogates him on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

32. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

33. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

34. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls and they ask Ernie if he’s seen a Santa. Ernie nods as Dash & Don turn around to see a sea of Santa’s running in the Santa 5k.

35. EXT-SIDE STREET-DAY

At the theater, Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now. Mary has Janie and Ruthie with her, and they all leave for the center.

36. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Tilly quits and leaves the shop.

37. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

The town Santa is sick, and Mary puts on the Santa suit because Angel has the radio show to do. Mary leaves Janie and Ruthie at the community center where Joseph will pick them up later.

38. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Santa , with a rope in Santa’s sack and Peter dressed as Santa too, leave the shop and head towards town. Mary drives up to the shop looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

39. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Dash and Don run alongside the running Santa’s in the 5k trying to spot the “real” Santa. At the same time. Peter and Santa use the running Santa’s as a shield to get to the houses at the other end of town.

40. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

As Joseph is on his way to pick up the girls at the community center, he notices smoke coming out of the roof. He calls 911 and enters the building.

41. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Joseph comes out of the burning building with the girls in tow. Others are running out too.

42. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Mary runs through the crowd in her Santa suit and goes inside. After the fire is out, she checks on the girls and then runs off talking on her festival walkie talky.

43. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house where Peter has hidden a ladder.

44. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might be suicidal and leaves in frustration.

45. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the firetruck to play Santa and as it starts to move when Tilly runs up and tells Mary what Peter has done and where they are headed. She jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.

46. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Tilly finds Angel and Joe are marching in the parade as Mary and George Bailey and tells them what’s happening with Mary and Peter. Joseph takes off and Angel stays with Janie and Ruthie who are in the parade as Bailey children.

47. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don spot a Santa far away running toward a neighborhood and they take off after the Santa (Mary).

48. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and trades places with him Mary is still afraid of heights, but she gets on the roof anyway. Mary and Peter argue on the roof.

49. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has taken Mary’s place on the firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho!

50. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Peter tries to force Santa (Mary) down the chimney, and they struggle while Dash & Don point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof where Joseph catches her, and they fall in the snow.

51. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

The real Santa comes running and convinces Dash & Don to let Peter go.

52. INT-COURTROOM-CHRISTMAS EVE DAY

Peter turns himself in for the tax charges. Ma Jenkins, Bert, Mr. Campbell, Harry Mills each vouches for Peter, as the town pays his back taxes with the festival money and say they found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

53. INT-HOUSE-CHRISTMAS EVE

Ruthie, Janie, Uncle Billy, Peter, and Tilly are celebrating with the girls by watching IAWL on tv.

54. EXT-PORCH-CHRISTMAS EVE

Joseph asks Mary to marry him, and Mary accepts because she knows Joseph volunteered to sponsor next year’s festival. And as they kiss Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

55. INT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

The congregation sings “Hark the Harold Angels Sing” with candles lit as Joseph and Mary walk down the aisle.

56. EXT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK

Mary and Joseph come out of the church into the snow and get on top of a firetruck with the lights on and Just Married on the back. They drive off.

57. EXT-SENECA FALLS-NIGHT

SHOTS OF TOWN LIT FOR CHRISTMAS

58. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that “She is not alone who has friends…and family.”

(NOTE: I don’t know why 2 things are showing up in red; I didn’t upload them that way?)

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Pass #8: Cliché Busting!

WHAT I LEARNED: I learned that it is difficult to see cliches in your own work. It would be helpful for others to let you know if something feels cliché when they read it.

CHOSEN SCENE: On the Way to School scene

PURPOSE: To give Peter a reason to see the NORAD screen and get the idea to kidnap Santa. To show Mary and Peter’s co-parenting.

IDEAS:

A. Mary, Joseph, and the girls are eating at ZuZu’s café and Peter comes in to pick up to go food.

B. Mary and the kids are serving dinner at the local firehouse for shelter men and women and Peter is in line to eat.

C. Peter is at Mary’s house for visitation and the girls show him that the NORAD site is broken.

D. Peter is at Martini’s Bar with Tilly and the news on the tv explains that NORAD is getting ready for Santa’s flight around the world.

E. Peter is obsessed with checking the weather on his phone because he needs snow, and a Santa Claus keeps flying across the screen. He finally stops and clicks on it. It takes him to the NORAD site where they explain Santa’s flight.

F. Peter waits outside the dance studio for the girls to come out so he can see them.

G. Peter runs into Mary and the girls outside the Clarence Hotel. Mary needs to go to the theater to work on the radio show for a half hour. She asks Peter to take the girls for ice cream. While eating ice cream they show him the NORAD site on their tablet.

CHOSEN SCENE: Final Scene in which Mary finally says yes to Joseph.

PURPOSE: To put a happy ending on the movie because that is what audiences expect from a Rom-Com.

IDEAS:

A. Mary could decide she doesn’t love Joseph or Peter and what she needs now is to be alone with her daughters.

B. At church Christmas Day all the townspeople sings Hark the Harold Angels Sing as Mary and Joseph walk down the aisle. (Surprise wedding-is that a cliché?)

C. Mary and Peter get back together, and they’ll run the snowmobile shop together.

D. Mary loves playing Santa and leaves with Santa for the North Pole. Janie and Ruthie become elves.

E. Mary runs for mayor of Seneca Falls and wins!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Pass 7: Setup/Payoff Chains

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” that sometimes you must move scenes around to make it work. I can’t be tied to what I’ve done in the past…move forward.

1. List ALL the setup/payoff chains (SP Chains) from your story — One or two sentences per setup/payoff.

SP CHAIN 1: Mary is determined to pull off the festival on her own. She has a need to prove her capabilities and worthiness…even though everyone in town knows that she’s a bad ass. Mary wants to be an example for her daughters.

Setup: Opening scene has Mary save a man who jumps off the George Bailey bridge
Payoff 1: Later it is revealed that it was a flashback of two years prior, and it was Peter whom Mary saved. That event prompted the divorce.

Payoff 2: Mary shows herself to be a formidable leader at the IAWL meeting.
Payoff 3: Mary again saves lives by putting out the fire at the community center.
Payoff 4: Festival events go well, and all the visitors are happy.

Payoff 5: Festival makes money; enough to give to Peter at the end.

SP CHAIN 2: Mary tells the judge that Peter is a good man with a big heart who is just down on his luck.

Setup: Peter begs the judge to not send him to jail on Christmas Day because he can’t pay his back taxes. He uses his daughters as the reason.
Payoff 1: Peter visits old man Mr. Campbell to help him repair his porch.
Payoff 2: Peter goes to see the parish minister to help clean the church pews.
Payoff 3: Peter mows Mrs. Thomas’s lawn.

Payoff 4: Peter meets his older brother, Bert at Martini’s Bar where they talk about how Peter got to this point…and Peter cries.

SP CHAIN 3: Mary must find Peter and Santa because she must fix everything. And prove to herself that she can do anything…do it all!

Setup: Mary thinks that Peter has kidnapped Santa.
Payoff 1: Mary goes to the police.
Payoff 2: Mary gives in and enlists the help of her friends/townspeople.

Payoff 3: Tilly finally tells Mary where Peter and Santa are headed. Mary runs to thwart the event.

Payoff 4: Mary saves the day by rescuing Peter and Santa; and the festival is a success.

SP CHAIN 4: Mary must decide if she loves Joseph.

Setup: Mary says no to going on a date with Joseph because she thinks it’s too complicated with her daughters and ex-husband.
Payoff 1: Joseph shows he’s good with her daughters.
Payoff 2: Joseph saves Janie & Ruthie from the burning community center.
Payoff 3: Joseph catches Mary when she falls off the roof.

Payoff 4: Joseph foots the bill for next year’s festival so the town can give Peter the money from this year’s festival.

Payoff 5: Joseph proposes at the end and Mary says yes.

SP CHAIN 5: Dash and Don (G-men) must find Peter and Santa

Setup: Dash and Don are comic relief
Payoff 1: They can’t figure out which way Santa is headed.
Payoff 2: They get stopped by the Canadian Mounties and ridiculed for chasing Santa.

Payoff 3: They run in the Santa 5k trying to figure out if any of the Santa’s are the real Santa.

SP CHAIN 6: Are Peter and Tilly going to be together in the end?

Setup: Peter and Tilly argue and then plan the kidnapping
Payoff 1: They go to the north pole and kidnap Santa together
Payoff 2: When they get back to town, Tilly can’t go through with it and leaves Peter.
Payoff 3: Peter is lifted by his friends and family at the end and Tilly realizes he is worthy of love.

SP CHAIN 7: Are Janie and Ruthie going to have their father? Or will he go to jail? Will mom marry Joseph whom they love too?

Setup: Janie and Ruthie are sad and scared because they lost their grandma last year and now, they might lose their father. And they aren’t sure what’s going to happen with mother and Joseph.
Payoff 1: Janie and Ruthie see their dad and cling to him asking questions. They clearly love him.
Payoff 2: Janie and Ruthie get along with Joseph while he watches them at the IAWL meeting.
Payoff 3: Joseph saves Janie and Ruthie from the burning community center.

Payoff 4: Joseph explains that he will never replace their father.

Payoff 5: Janie and Ruthie rejoice when the town bails out their father and Joseph asks their mom to marry him.

2. Select a setup/payoff chain you want to make stronger.

How can you make the setup more interesting or effective?

I will add a voiceover of Mary in the beginning (ala It’s a Wonderful Life) explaining about how Seneca Falls was the inspiration for the movie. She will talk about her life there and explain how everyone got to this point.

How can you make the payoffs more emotional or meaningful?

Instead of the opening scene being in real time, I will make it a flashback although the audience won’t know that until later. Also, Mary will save “a man”, but we find out later that it was Peter that she saved. And that incident prompted the divorce.

3. Tell us what difference this has made for your outline and if it hasn’t, find another setup/payoff chain to improve.

This has set up change for my outline and story like no other step we’ve completed!

4. Post your current outline with the improved setup/payoff chain(s) in it.

OUTLINE OF MARY’S CHRISTMAS

1. VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary explains that Seneca Falls was the inspiration for the movie It’s a Wonderful Life and each year they put on a festival to celebrate it. As she speaks, we see…

EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY

SHOTS OF MAIN STREET LIT UP AT NIGHT. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN. THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE. THE WOMEN’S SUFFERAGE MUSEUM (the other reason Seneca Falls is famous), THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, AND THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET.

VOICEOVER-MARY

Mary talks about growing up in Seneca Falls. How her mother planned the first festival and over the years participated in all the events, towing Mary along.

2. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

Mary and her partner come across a man on George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain in their firetruck and Mary sees it’s her ex-husband, Peter, but the audience doesn’t know who he is yet. Peter is crying and is up on the railing. Mary hates heights, but she ends up saving Peter then lays into him about what he was trying to do.

3. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival. She calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. When she turns around to call again, Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is sitting behind her with his head cocked. He goes over to his bowl and eats.

4. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer. Her mom calls for her and she yells back that the computer is broken. She closes it and runs downstairs.

5. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Janie and Ruthie are having breakfast. Mary is on the phone answering festival questions and writing a list at the same time. She hangs up the phone and looks at the photo of her mom on the wall…wondering how mom did it when she oversaw the festival. Janie cries and climbs on Mary’s lap because she misses Grandma. Ruthie jumps on Mary too with a hug. Uncle Billy runs around barking and jumping on them because he doesn’t like anyone touching Mary. They laugh at Uncle Billy and chase him around the table.

6. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Peter enters the eat-in kitchen of the Ma Jenkins Boarding House. Ma orders her grandson to stand because a decorated war hero is entering the room. Peter sits down to eat breakfast. The boy sits second. Ma tells the boy all about Peter’s heroism and how veterans should be shown respect.

7. INT-SUV-DAY

Just as Ruthie and Janie ask about their father on the way to school, Mary nearly runs over Peter when he steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary tells the girls to stay in the car. They protest and shout hello to their father. Mary gives in and let’s Peter say hi to the girls who have a phone on the NORAD site, and they show Peter.

8. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives with his toolbox at the porch of Mr. Campbell asking what he can do to help him. He agrees to fix the boards on the porch.

9. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with Angel, her best friend and they discuss what happened at the courthouse and Joseph, their boss. They speak briefly about Ernie, Angel’s boyfriend and how happy they are. They discuss Peter and how Mary is always helping him. Joe asks Mary out and she declines.

10. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Joseph rings the parsonage. The pastor answers and they walk over to the church. Joseph agrees to clean the pews.

11. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Joe gives Mary a raise because of the situation with Peter.

12. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Judge admonishes Peter for not being able to pay back taxes. Peter is on hard times because there hasn’t been any snow and he’s a snowmobile repair man. Judge will send him to jail on Christmas day if he doesn’t come up with the money.

13. INT-COURTROOM HALLWAY-DAY

Peter and his girlfriend, Tilly discuss the NORAD site and how Santa gets down the chimney. Peter has an idea. Tilly says no and wants Peter to turn himself in now to start his sentence. Peter doesn’t want to. They argue. Mary sees this. Tilly storms off. Mary and Peter discuss their girls. Mary tells him that the girls love him.

14. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Peter arrives at Mrs. Thomas’s and begins mowing the lawn. She comes out on the porch to give him some iced tea.

15. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.

16. INT-MARTINI’S BAR-DAY

Peter enters and sits next to Bert (Peter’s older brother) at the bar. Bert asks about what Peter is going through. Peter gets deep and teary eyed. Bert gives him a pep talk.

17. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight – All Are Welcome!’

18. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles.

19. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen. It’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to go find Santa.

20. EXT-FOREST-DAY

Snowmobiles catch some air. Snow is starting to thin. They continue on foot with blindfolded Santa in tow.

21. EXT-ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

22. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-NIGHT

Mary and Angel discuss how good Joe is with the girls as they watch them together. Introduction of other townspeople. Everyone is assigned different roles and tasks. After the meeting, Joe tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it.

23. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

24. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles. They can’t figure out where they are headed at first.

25. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Out the window, it’s snowing! Angel is over working on the festival and asks Mary about Peter. Mary mentions that her saving him from drowning ruined everything. It will never be the same between them. Angel says why not move on with Joseph.

26. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

27. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in Seneca Falls, NY. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

28. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Ernie is passing out chestnuts in front of the Clarence Hotel. There’s a line outside of Zu Zu’s Café. A group of scavenger hunters are leaving the community center.

29. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

30. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds tracking device on Santa. Peter interrogates Santa on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

31. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

32. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

33. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls. People are everywhere for the festival. They ask Ernie where the parade starts…down by the movie theater at the other end of the street. They head in that direction.

34. EXT-SIDE STREET-DAY

In the theater, Mary checks out the costumes for all the IAWL characters that will march in the parade. Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now. Mary has her daughters with her, and they leave for the center.

35. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss how to get out of this and that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Tilly says she’s not going through with it and leaves.

36. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

The town Santa is sick, and Mary must play Santa because Angel has the radio show. Mary puts on the Santa suit. Mary leaves the girls at the community center where Joseph will pick them up and take them to the parade.

37. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Santa leave the shop and head towards town. Peter makes Santa carry rope in his sack. Mary drives up looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

38. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Santa 5K starts and all runners are dressed as Santa and it’s snowing heavily now. Dash and Don are trying to figure out who is the real Santa as they run too. Peter and Santa run along in the group until they get to the other end of town and then run toward houses.

39. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Joseph is working his way around the running Santa’s to pick up the girls at the community center where Mary left them. As he approaches, he notices smoke coming out of the roof. He calls 911 and enters the building.

40. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

Joseph runs in and can’t see the girls. He yells for them. The room is filling with smoke quickly. The girls come out of the lady’s restroom and run toward Joseph. They run out of the building.

41. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK

The firetruck is moving slowly through the crowd to get to the community center. Mary comes running through the crowd in her Santa suit and runs inside. The firetruck arrives and the other firefighters run in too. Mary comes out and the fire is out. The girls tell her of Joseph’s heroics. Mary must go…she runs off talking on her walky-talky. The girls want their dad, Joseph tries to comfort them.

42. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house.

43. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might be suicidal and leaves in frustration.

44. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the firetruck and as it starts to move, Tilly runs up and tells Mary what Peter has done and where they are headed. She jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.

45. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Angel and Joe have the girls along the parade route. Angel whispers to Joe that Mary will be the Santa at the end of the parade. Tilly finds them and tells them what’s happening with Mary and Peter. Joseph takes off asking Angel to watch the girls.

46. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don come around the library and see a Santa far away running toward the neighborhood. They take off after Santa. It’s Mary.

47. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and covers his mouth, points him to the woods. Mary climbs the ladder (still afraid of heights) and scoots along the roofline. Peter orders her to go down the chimney. Mary and Peter argue on the roof. Dash and Don see them. Joseph has tracked them down too.

48. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has jumped on another firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho! Those who know, remark on how great Mary is as Santa.

49. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Peter orders Santa to go down the chimney, Mary stalls and tries to talk Peter out of doing it. She stands up on the roof as Peter gets more agitated. Peter tries to force Santa down the chimney, and they struggle. Firefighters have moved the ladder truck over to the house and Dash & Don climb on the roof and point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof hanging by the gutters. Joseph below tells her to let go and he will catch her. She does and they fall in the snow.

50. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

Santa returns as Dash and Don are taking Peter to their car. Santa convinces them to let Peter go.

51. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Christmas morning, Peter turns himself in for the tax charges. Mary comes in and says it’s a miracle. The townspeople enter and pay Peter’s back taxes with the festival money. They each vouch for Peter, each saying why they are grateful for Peter. And they have found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

52. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary, Ruthie, Janie, and Uncle Billy have had Christmas. Peter and Tilly are celebrating with the girls too. Joe comes over to give Mary her Christmas gift.

53. EXT-PORCH-DAY

It’s still snowing. Joe gives Mary an engagement ring. Mary says she knows that the winery is going to foot the bill for next year’s festival. Mary accepts the ring, and they kiss as Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Pass #6: Subplots with Meaning

“What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…?” that the subplots are to help fill out the story, so it is multidimensional.

1. Identify the subplots that have naturally emerged in your story and tell us the beginning, middle, and end of each, like I did above with the English Bob subplot.

Subplot #1: Mary must run the It’s a Wonderful Life festival and make sure it comes off without a hitch

Subplot #2: Mary must decide if she’s still in love with Peter or ready to move on with Joseph.

Subplot #3: Peter and Tilly break up and then get back together at the end

Subplot #1 – Mary must run the It’s a Wonderful Life festival and make sure it comes off without a hitch

Beginning: Mary is organizing the festival like her mother did before her, so there is tradition and meaning in making the festival as success. Her mother died last year, and this has forced Mary to take it over. This is made clear at the IAWL meeting in the community center where Mary is running the show alone. The whole town is counting on her.

Middle: The festival begins, and Mary becomes torn between the festival and finding Peter and Santa. She learns that she must have others help to pull it off. Her friends come through for her.

End: The whole town and Mary help Peter by giving him the money from the festival which was a success after all…reinforcing that no one is alone who has friends.

Subplot #2 – Mary must decide if she’s still in love with Peter or ready to move on with Joseph.

Beginning: Opening shows Mary literally saving Peter’s life. A relationship with Joseph is revealed, but she is torn because Peter and her daughters make it complicated.

Middle: Mary fights for Peter and saves him again. But she loves him and always will because they were high school sweethearts and she saw him off to war, etc. Joseph continues to prove over and over that he is a stand-up guy and really loves Mary and her daughters. Joseph catches Mary when she falls off the roof. And he volunteers the money for next year’s festival. Mary worries how Joseph and Peter will interact going forward if she confesses her love for Joseph.

End: Mary decides that Tilly will make Peter happy and help lift him up. Mary confesses her love by accepting Joseph’s proposal…after all, Joe is literally, the richest man in town.

Subplot #3: Peter and Tilly break up and then get back together at the end

Beginning: Peter and Tilly’s relationship is revealed in court where Tilly supports him.

Middle: Tilly helps Peter kidnap Santa, but then can’t go through with it and leaves Peter on his own. Tilly eventually tells Mary where Peter is with Santa.

End: Peter and Tilly reunite at the end, leaving the way for Mary to marry Joseph.

2. Pick one subplot (or more) you’d like to improve and answer the question, “How can I make this more meaningful or emotional for my lead character?”

Mary can be jealous of Tilly even though she isn’t with Peter anymore.

3. Rewrite the beats of that subplot to add in the new emotion or meaning.

Subplot #3: Peter and Tilly break up and then get back together at the end

Beginning: Peter and Tilly argue at the court hearing about what he should do to avoid going to jail. Mary watches their argument from down the hall and tries to intervene. Tilly walks away because Mary is sticking her nose in their relationship.

Middle: Tilly helps Peter kidnap Santa, but then can’t go through with it and leaves Peter on his own. Tilly eventually tells Mary where Peter is with Santa. Mary realizes that Tilly is watching out for Peter.

End: Peter and Tilly reunite at the end, leaving the way for Mary to marry Joseph.

4. Add the improvements to your outline.

OUTLINE OF MARY’S CHRISTMAS

1. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

Mary and her partner come across a man on George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain in their firetruck and Mary sees it’s her ex-husband, Peter. Peter is crying and is up on the railing. Mary hates heights, but she ends up saving Peter then lays into him about what he was trying to do.

2. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival. She calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. When she turns around to call again, Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is sitting behind her with his head cocked. He goes over to his bowl and eats.

3. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer. Her mom calls for her and she yells back that the computer is broken. She closes it and runs downstairs.

4. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Janie and Ruthie are having breakfast. Mary is on the phone answering festival questions and writing a list at the same time. She hangs up the phone and looks at the photo of her mom on the wall…wondering how mom did it when she oversaw the festival. Janie cries and climbs on Mary’s lap because she misses Grandma. Ruthie jumps on Mary too with a hug. Uncle Billy runs around barking and jumping on them because he doesn’t like anyone touching Mary.

5. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Peter enters the eat-in kitchen of the Ma Jenkins Boarding House. Ma orders her grandson to stand because a decorated war hero is entering the room. Peter sits down to eat breakfast. The boy sits second. Ma tells the boy all about Peter’s heroism and how veterans should be shown respect.

6. INT-SUV-DAY

Ruthie and Janie ask about their father on the way to school. Mary nearly runs over Peter when he steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary tells the girls to stay in the car. They protest and shout hello to their father. Mary gives in and let’s Peter say hi to the girls who have a phone on the NORAD site, and they show Peter.

7. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Judge admonishes Peter for not being able to pay back taxes. Peter is on hard times because there hasn’t been any snow and he’s a snowmobile repair man. Judge will send him to jail on Christmas day if he doesn’t come up with the money.

8. INT-COURTROOM HALLWAY-DAY

Peter and his girlfriend, Tilly discuss the NORAD site and how Santa gets down the chimney. Peter has an idea. Tilly says no and wants Peter to turn himself in now to start his sentence. Peter doesn’t want to. They argue. Mary sees this. Tilly storms off. Mary and Peter discuss their girls. Mary tells him that the girls love him.

9. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with Angel, her best friend and they discuss what happened at the courthouse and Joseph, their boss. They speak briefly about Ernie, Angel’s boyfriend and how happy they are. They discuss Peter and how Mary is always helping him. Joe asks Mary out and she declines.

10. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Joe gives Mary a raise because of the situation with Peter.

11. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles.

12. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen. It’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to go find Santa.

13. EXT-FOREST-DAY

Snowmobiles catch some air. Snow is starting to thin. They continue on foot with blindfolded Santa in tow.

14. EXT-ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

15. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.

16. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight – All Are Welcome!’

17. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-NIGHT

Mary and Angel discuss how good Joe is with the girls as they watch them together. Introduction of other townspeople. Everyone is assigned different roles and tasks. After the meeting, Joe tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it.

18. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

19. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles.

20. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Out the window, it’s snowing!

21. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

22. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in Seneca Falls, NY. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

23. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Ernie is passing out chestnuts in front of the Clarence Hotel. There’s a line outside of ZuZu’s Café. A group of scavenger hunters are leaving the community center.

24. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

25. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds tracking device on Santa. Peter interrogates Santa on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

26. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

27. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

28. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls. People are everywhere for the festival. They ask Ernie where the parade starts…down by the movie theater at the other end of the street. They head in that direction.

29. EXT-SIDE STREET-DAY

In the theater, Mary checks out the costumes for all the IAWL characters that will march in the parade. Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now.

30. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss how to get out of this and that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Tilly says she’s not going through with it and leaves.

31. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

The town Santa is sick, and Mary must play Santa because Angel has the radio show. Mary puts on the Santa suit.

32. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Santa leave the shop and head towards town. Peter makes Santa carry rope in his sack. Mary drives up looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

33. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Santa 5K starts and all runners are dressed as Santa and it’s snowing heavily now. Dash and Don are trying to figure out who is the real Santa as they run too. Peter and Santa run along in the group until they get to the other end of town and then run toward houses.

34. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house.

35. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might be suicidal and leaves in frustration.

36. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the firetruck and as it starts to move, Tilly tells Mary what Peter has done and where they are headed. She jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.

37. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Angel and Joe have the girls along the parade route. Angel whispers to Joe that Mary will be playing Santa at the end of the parade.

38. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don come around the library and see a Santa far away running toward the neighborhood. They take off after Santa.

39. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and covers his mouth, points him to the woods. Mary climbs the ladder (still afraid of heights) and scoots along the roofline. Peter orders her to go down the chimney. Mary and Peter argue on the roof. Dash and Don see them. Joseph has tracked them down too.

40. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has jumped on another firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho! Those who know, remark on how great Mary is as Santa.

41. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Peter orders Santa to go down the chimney, Mary stalls and tries to talk Peter out of doing it. She stands up on the roof as Peter gets more agitated. Peter tries to force Santa down the chimney, and they struggle. Firefighters have moved the ladder truck over to the house and Dash & Don climb on the roof and point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof hanging by the gutters. Joseph below tells her to let go and he will catch her. She does and they fall in the snow.

42. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

Santa returns as Dash and Don are taking Peter to their car. Santa convinces them to let Peter go.

43. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Christmas morning, Peter turns himself in for the tax charges. Mary comes in and says it’s a miracle. The townspeople enter and pay Peter’s back taxes with the festival money. They each vouch for Peter, each saying why they are grateful for Peter. And they have found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

44. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary, Ruthie, Janie, and Uncle Billy have had Christmas. Peter and Tilly are celebrating with the girls too. Joe comes over to give Mary her Christmas gift.

45. EXT-PORCH-DAY

It’s still snowing. Joe gives Mary an engagement ring. Mary says she knows that the winery is going to foot the bill for next year’s festival. Mary accepts the ring, and they kiss as Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Pass #5: Action/Reaction

“What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…?” that every action has a reaction; that the order of the actions must build.

1. Tell us the following:
– Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband to pay back taxes, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.
– Protagonist Goal: To find & save Santa and Peter before something horrible happens.
– Protagonist Character Arc: Mary must enlist the help of others even though she doesn’t like to ask for help. She goes from closed to opened.
– Main Conflict: Mary must stop Santa’s kidnapper when she finds out it’s her ex-husband, Peter.

2. Create the Action/Reaction Events chart for your story.
and list it.
BACK AND FORTH/Protagonist – Mary/Antagonist – Peter

Peter jumps off the bridge

Saves Peter from drowning

Almost runs over Peter with car

Hatches plan to kidnap Santa

Assigns roles and oversees festival

Kidnaps Santa

Can’t find Peter

Brings Santa to town

Goes to the police

Forced to ask for help to find Peter

Takes Santa thru the parade & into a neighborhood

Mary must play Santa for the parade

Switches places with Santa

Tries to get Santa to go down the chimney

Tries to talk Peter out of it

Grabs Santa (Mary) and they struggle

Falls off roof & Joseph catches her

Breaks down and gives up

Let go because Santa vouches for him

Shows up at courthouse next day

Accepts his fate and turns himself in

Townspeople come to the courthouse

Can’t accept the town’s money

Each person tells why they want to do this

Peter breaks down as he realizes they love him

3. Make a list of the emotional moments the Protagonist will go
through that will cause him or her to face the change they need
to make.

Protagonist Emotional Moments

· Saving the Peter from drowning; Mary yells at him afterwards because he can’t do that to their daughters

· Almost running him over with the car; worrying about him and his state

· Mary turns down Joseph’s advances…even though she doesn’t really want to

· Mary is getting burned out from planning and organizing the festival, but she doesn’t want to ask for more help

· Mary can’t locate Peter and she’s very worried he will try to kill himself again

· Mary breaks down and goes to the police who laugh at her

· Mary must give in and ask her friends for help in locating Peter and running the festival

· Mary (in a montage of flashbacks) thinks about Peter what life would be like without him

· Mary loves Joseph now and thinks about what life would be like with him

· Mary will fight for Peter…and Santa

· It takes very little convincing for Mary to get the town to give Peter the money from the festival.

· When Joseph says that the winery will foot the bill for next year’s festival, Mary realizes what a wonderful man he is and has always been…

· Mary decides to accept Joseph’s proposal

4. Place the actions you like from #2 and emotional moments
from #3 in your current outline — and list the outline.

1. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

Mary and her partner come across a man on George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain in their firetruck and Mary sees it’s her ex-husband, Peter. Peter is crying and is up on the railing. Mary hates heights, but she ends up saving Peter then lays into him about what he was trying to do.

2. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival. She calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. When she turns around to call again, Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is sitting behind her with his head cocked. He goes over to his bowl and eats.

3. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer. Her mom calls for her and she yells back that the computer is broken. She closes it and runs downstairs.

4. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Peter enters the eat-in kitchen of the Ma Jenkins Boarding House. Ma orders her grandson to stand because a decorated war hero is entering the room. Peter sits down to eat breakfast. The boy sits second.

5. INT-SUV-DAY

Ruthie and Janie ask about their father on the way to school. Mary nearly runs over Peter when he steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary tells the girls to stay in the car. They protest and shout hello to their father. Mary gives in and let’s Peter say hi to the girls who have a phone on the NORAD site, and they show Peter.

6. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Judge admonishes Peter for not being able to pay back taxes. Peter is on hard times because there hasn’t been any snow and he’s a snowmobile repair man. Judge will send him to jail on Christmas day if he doesn’t come up with the money.

7. INT-HALLWAY-DAY

Mary and Peter discuss their girls outside the court room. Mary tells him he knows the girls love him. Peter and his girlfriend, Tilly discuss the NORAD site and how Santa gets down the chimney. Peter has an idea.

8. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with Angel, her best friend and they discuss what happened at the courthouse and Joseph, their boss. They discuss Peter and how Mary is always helping him. Joe asks Mary out and she declines.

9. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Joe gives Mary a raise because of the situation with Peter.

10. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles.

11. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen. It’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to go find Santa.

12. EXT-FOREST-DAY

Snowmobiles catch some air. Snow is starting to thin. They continue on foot with blindfolded Santa in tow.

13. EXT-ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

14. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.

15. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight – All Are Welcome!’

16. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-NIGHT

Mary and Angel discuss how good Joe is with the girls as they watch them together. Introduction of other townspeople. Everyone is assigned different roles and tasks. After the meeting, Joe tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it.

17. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

18. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles.

19. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Out the window, it’s snowing!

20. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

21. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in Seneca Falls, NY. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

22. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Ernie is passing out chestnuts in front of the Clarence Hotel. There’s a line outside of ZuZu’s Café. A group of scavenger hunters are leaving the community center.

23. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

24. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds tracking device on Santa. Peter interrogates Santa on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

25. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

26. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

27. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls. People are everywhere for the festival. They ask Ernie where the parade starts…down by the movie theater at the other end of the street. They head in that direction.

28. EXT-SIDE STREET-DAY

In the theater, Mary checks out the costumes for all the IAWL characters that will march in the parade. Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now.

29. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss how to get out of this and that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Tilly says she’s not going through with it and leaves.

30. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

The town Santa is sick, and Mary must play Santa because Angel has the radio show. Mary puts on the Santa suit.

31. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Santa leave the shop and head towards town. Peter makes Santa carry rope in his sack. Mary drives up looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

32. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Santa 5K starts and all runners are dressed as Santa and it’s snowing heavily now. Dash and Don are trying to figure out who is the real Santa as they run too. Peter and Santa run along in the group until they get to the other end of town and then run toward houses.

33. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house.

34. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might be suicidal and leaves in frustration.

35. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the firetruck and as it starts to move, she sees someone behind the Davis’s house…it looks like Santa. She jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.

36. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Angel and Joe have the girls along the parade route. Angel whispers to Joe that Mary will be playing Santa at the end of the parade.

37. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don come around the library and see a Santa far away running toward the neighborhood. They take off after Santa.

38. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and covers his mouth, points him to the woods. Mary climbs the ladder (still afraid of heights) and scoots along the roofline. Peter orders her to go down the chimney. Mary and Peter argue on the roof. Dash and Don see them. Joseph has tracked them down too.

39. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has jumped on another firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho! Those who know, remark on how great Mary is as Santa.

40. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Peter orders Santa to go down the chimney, Mary stalls and tries to talk Peter out of doing it. She stands up on the roof as Peter gets more agitated. Peter tries to force Santa down the chimney, and they struggle. Firefighters have moved the ladder truck over to the house and Dash & Don climb on the roof and point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof hanging by the gutters. Joseph below tells her to let go and he will catch her. She does and they fall in the snow.

41. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

Santa returns as Dash and Don are taking Peter to their car. Santa convinces them to let Peter go.

42. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Christmas morning, Peter turns himself in for the tax <s>child support</s> charges. Mary comes in and says it’s a miracle. The townspeople enter and pay Peter’s back taxes with the festival money. They each vouch for Peter, each saying why they are grateful for Peter. And they have found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

43. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary, Ruthie, Janie, and Uncle Billy have had Christmas. Peter and Tilly are celebrating with the girls too. Joe comes over to give Mary her Christmas gift.

44. EXT-PORCH-DAY

It’s still snowing. Joe gives Mary an engagement ring. Mary says she knows that the winery is going to foot the bill for next year’s festival. Mary accepts the ring, and they kiss as Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s NQ 3 and 4

DAY 10: Adding Necessary Questions 3 and 4

Apply Necessary Questions 3 and 4 to your outline.

“What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…?” Integrating details into the story should be done at this early stage to create a stronger plot.

1. Tell us your concept.

When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband to pay back taxes, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

2. Tell us your Emotional Dilemma and the answers to these questions:

A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up?

In the Opening when Mary saves her ex-husband, Peter from drowning after he jumps off the George Bailey bridge. It shows his torture from his life situations. And it shows how Mary always saves him from himself.

B. How are both sides of the issue built up?

Mary tries NOT to take care of her ex-husband, but once again she finds herself in a situation where she feels she has no choice…after all, he is the father of her two daughters.

Peter is desperate to get himself out of a financial hole and he wants steady work again. He wants to be able to move on after the divorce, but he feels stuck by circumstances. The townspeople treat him with respect because of his military service, but he doesn’t feel like a hero.

C. When does the protagonist make the choice?

When she finds out that Santa’s kidnapper is Peter, she chooses to try to help him. And Mary is a volunteer firefighter, so she feels an obligation to save both…and protect the town.

D. What do they lose in making that choice?

Mary must turn to her friends, the townspeople to help her pull off the festival while she goes after Santa and Peter.

3. Tell us your Theme and the answers to these questions:

She is not alone who has friends…and family.

A. What are both sides of your theme?

Mary likes to do everything herself. But in the end, she realizes she needs help from her friends to pull off the festival.

Peter feels alone in the world. He’s lost his wife and almost his kids with the divorce. He doesn’t feel like the decorated war hero that he is. The kindness of the town moves Peter to turn his life around and be grateful for everything he has…friends and family.

B. How will both sides show up throughout your story?

Mary runs around taking care of the kids and the house, organizing the events and the people for the festival, and volunteers as a firefighter. She clearly needs help!

Peter jumps off the George Bailey bridge in the opening scene…and his ex-wife saves him. Peter’s embarrassment is shown throughout. He is embarrassed by his divorce, his near loss of his business, that he has suffered from PSTD, that he can’t find steady work, that he relies on the kindness of the townspeople to keep him occupied by doing odd jobs around their homes.

C. How does the climax of the story demand your message?

The resolution has Santa vouching for Peter to keep him out of jail. The town gives Peter the money they made from the festival to pay off his back taxes. Peter is forgiven and decides to move on with Tilly. Mary decides to move on with Joseph, who has agreed that the winery will finance next year’s festival. “No one is alone who has friends and family.”

OUTLINE for “Mary’s Christmas”

Opening: Mary saves a man from drowning, shows us that she is a busy mom of two daughters and a miniature dachshund. She is organizing the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Also, Mary works at the local winery with her boss, Joe. We feel the physical tension between them. Mary’s ex-husband is out of regular work as a snowmobile repair man because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years.

1. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

Mary and her partner come across a man on George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain in their firetruck and Mary sees it’s her ex-husband, Peter. Peter is crying and is up on the railing. Mary hates heights, but she ends up saving Peter then lays into him about what he was trying to do.

2. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival. She calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. When she turns around to call again, Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is sitting behind her with his head cocked. He goes over to his bowl and eats.

3. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer. Her mom calls for her and she yells back that the computer is broken. She closes it and runs downstairs.

4. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Peter enters the eat-in kitchen of the Ma Jenkins Boarding House. Ma orders her grandson to stand because a decorated war hero is entering the room. Peter sits down to eat breakfast. The boy sits second.

5. INT-SUV-DAY

Ruthie and Janie ask about their father on the way to school. Mary nearly runs over Peter when he steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary tells the girls to stay in the car. They protest and shout hello to their father. Mary gives in and let’s Peter say hi to the girls who have a phone on the NORAD site, and they show Peter.

6. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Judge admonishes Peter for not being able to pay back taxes <s>back child support</s>. Peter is on hard times because there hasn’t been any snow and he’s a snowmobile repair man. Judge will send him to jail on Christmas day if he doesn’t come up with the money.

7. INT-HALLWAY-DAY

Mary and Peter discuss their girls outside the court room. Mary tells him he knows the girls love him. Peter and his girlfriend, Tilly discuss the NORAD site and how Santa gets down the chimney. Peter has an idea.

8. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with Angel, her best friend and they discuss what happened at the courthouse and Joseph, their boss. They discuss Peter and how Mary is always helping him. Joe asks Mary out and she declines.

9. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Joe gives Mary a raise because of the situation with Peter.

10. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles.

11. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen. It’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to go find Santa.

12. EXT-FOREST-DAY

Snowmobiles catch some air. Snow is starting to thin. They continue on foot with blindfolded Santa in tow.

13. EXT-ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

14. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.

15. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight – All Are Welcome!’

16. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-NIGHT

Mary and Angel discuss how good Joe is with the girls as they watch them together. Introduction of other townspeople. Everyone is assigned different roles and tasks. After the meeting, Joe tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it.

Inciting Incident: Mary backs away from playing “Mary Bailey” this year. Mary’s children having trouble watching the NORAD site where Santa’s movements are tracked leading up to Christmas. Santa is gone! Someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for Seneca Falls, NY and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: The audience knows that Mary is a bad ass volunteer firefighter. They know that she is torn between two loves. The audience knows that Santa is missing at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival.

17. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

18. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles.

19. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Out the window, it’s snowing!

20. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

21. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in Seneca Falls, NY. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

22. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Ernie is passing out chestnuts in front of the Clarence Hotel. There’s a line outside of ZuZu’s Café. A group of scavenger hunters are leaving the community center.

23. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

24. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds tracking device on Santa. Peter interrogates Santa on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

25. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

26. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary doesn’t know where Peter is. Joe is pressuring her to move their relationship to the next level.

27. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls. People are everywhere for the festival. They ask Ernie where the parade starts…down by the movie theater at the other end of the street. They head in that direction.

28. EXT-SIDE STREET-DAY

Mary checks out a large float. Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now.

29. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss how to get out of this and that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Tilly says she’s not going through with it and leaves.

30. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

The town Santa is sick, and Mary must play Santa because Angel has the radio show. Mary puts on the Santa suit.

31. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Santa leave the shop and head towards town. Peter makes Santa carry rope in his sack. Mary drives up looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

Mid-Point: Mary is very worried because she can’t get in touch with Peter. She’s afraid he may try hurt himself again. But she must worry about the festival too.

32. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Santa 5K starts and all runners are dressed as Santa and it’s snowing heavily now. Dash and Don are trying to figure out who is the real Santa as they run too. Peter and Santa run along in the group until they get to the other end of town and then run toward houses.

33. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house.

34. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might be suicidal and leaves in frustration.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary can’t find Peter, so she goes to the police station, but the police don’t believe that he has kidnapped Santa and they laugh at her.

35. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the firetruck and as the float starts to move, she sees someone behind the Davis’s house…it looks like Santa. She jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.

36. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Angel and Joe have the girls along the parade route. Angel whispers to Joe that Mary will be playing Santa at the end of the parade.

37. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don come around the library and see a Santa far away running toward the neighborhood. They take off after Santa.

Crisis: Mary trades places with the real Santa to save him and deal with Peter.

38. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and covers his mouth, points him to the woods. Mary climbs the ladder (still afraid of heights) and scoots along the roofline. Peter orders her to go down the chimney. Mary and Peter argue on the roof. Dash and Don see them. Joseph has tracked them down too.

39. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has jumped on another firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho! Those who know, remark on how great Mary is as Santa.

40. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Peter orders Santa to go down the chimney, Mary stalls and tries to talk Peter out of doing it. She stands up on the roof as Peter gets more agitated. Peter tries to force Santa down the chimney, and they struggle. Firefighters have moved the ladder truck over to the house and Dash & Don climb on the roof and point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof hanging by the gutters. Joseph below tells her to let go and he will catch her. She does and they fall in the snow.

41. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

Santa returns as Dash and Don are taking Peter to their car. Santa convinces them to let Peter go.

Climax: Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts Peter’s plan. Peter is getting arrested, but Santa says he won’t press charges and for them to let Peter go.

42. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Christmas morning, Peter turns himself in for the tax <s>child support</s> charges. Mary comes in and says it’s a miracle. The townspeople enter and pay Peter’s back taxes with the festival money. They each vouch for Peter, each saying why they are grateful for Peter. And they have found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

43. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary, Ruthie, Janie, and Uncle Billy have had Christmas. Peter and Tilly are celebrating with the girls too. Joe comes over to give Mary her Christmas gift.

44. EXT-PORCH-DAY

It’s still snowing. Joe gives Mary an engagement ring. Mary says she knows that the winery is going to foot the bill for next year’s festival. Mary accepts the ring, and they kiss as Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

Resolution: Christmas day in court, Peter is there to turn himself in for the back taxes’ charge. The townspeople come with the money they made from the festival and give it to Peter to pay his debt. He won’t accept it. But they tell him they have found a sponsor who will pay for the next year’s festival, and they want him to have it because he’s done so much for all of them.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s 3rd Pass — NQ 1 and 2

“What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…?” I learned that the more I rework the story/outline the better it gets. Each step is important to complete.

1. Tell us your concept.

When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband to pay back taxes, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

DRAMATIC QUESTION

2. Tell us your Dramatic Question and the answers to these questions:

Can Mary save Santa while pulling off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival?

A. Where does the Dramatic Question first get established and how?

The Opening establishes Mary as organizing the festival and by the Inciting Incident the audience knows that Santa is missing.

B. How is the Dramatic Question increased in intensity?

Mary finds out that the kidnappers are headed for the festival. Then a little later figures out that the kidnapper is her ex-husband, Peter. And there are two G-men after Peter.

C. Where does the Dramatic Question finally get answered?

At the Climax where Mary trades places with Santa and thwarts Peter’s plan to steal gifts.

MAIN CONFLICT

3. Tell us your Main Conflict and the answers to these questions:

Mary must stop Santa’s kidnapper when she finds out that it’s her ex-husband, Peter.

A. When does the Main Conflict first show up?

Mary saves Peter from drowning in the Opening sets up the conflict between the two. Then the Main Conflict shows up at the Inciting Incident when Peter has kidnapped Santa and Mary finds out that Santa is missing.

B. How many ways can you express the Main Conflict throughout the story?

I will go back and forth between the townspeople conducting the events of the festival, Peter , his girlfriend, Tilly, and Santa traveling from the North Pole to Seneca Falls, NY, and Mary juggling the festival with what she knows about Santa, and then later about Peter.

C. What brings the Main Conflict to a boiling point in the 3rd Act?

Mary’s Santa has taken ill, and she must play Santa for the end of the parade. She climbs on top of firetruck only to see Peter and Santa down the street. Peter and Santa are climbing up on a roof to go down the chimney and steal gifts, so Peter can sell them and get the money to pay his back taxes. (Originally, it was back child support, but Cheryl said too many people would be upset by that reason, so I changed it to back taxes) Mary sneaks out of the woods in time to switch places with Santa. She goes up the ladder with Peter. Mary is afraid of heights (established on the bridge in the Opening), so she skooshes along the roof. Peter orders Santa to go down the chimney, Mary stalls and tries to talk Peter out of doing it. She stands up on the roof as Peter gets more agitated. She is sympathetic and they discuss his dilemma. Peter tries to force her down the chimney and they struggle.

D. How is the Main Conflict resolved?

The government agents show up along with Mary’s co-firefighters with the firetruck and ladder. The G-men are hoisted up on the firetruck ladder. They draw their guns but don’t shoot because Santa is in the way. They jump on roof and one government agent missteps and falls off. The other orders Peter to let go of Santa. Joseph shows up (he knows Mary is Santa) and is watching. Peter shoves Santa and Mary rolls down the roof and is hanging onto the gutter. The government agent tackles Peter. Joseph runs over and tells Mary to jump…he will catch her. Mary drops into Joseph’s arms, and they fall in the snow. The local policemen finally show up. Peter is handcuffed and taken off the roof. The real Santa vouches for Peter and asks them to let him go. In the Resolution, the townspeople give Peter the money they made from the festival to pay his back taxes. Joseph has offered to foot the bill for next year’s festival.

1.Opening: Mary has taken over the organizing of the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival from her mother. Her ex-husband and the father of her two daughters, Peter, is about to go to jail for not paying back taxes. He hasn’t worked steadily as the owner of a snowmobile shop in 3 years because it hasn’t snowed. The opening scene is Mary, as volunteer firefighter, saving Peter from jumping off the George Bailey bridge.

2.Inciting Incident: After seeing his daughters watching Santa on the NORAD tracking site, Peter gets the idea to kidnap Santa. He and his girlfriend, Tilly head to the north pole. Mary learns from NORAD that someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for town and the IAWL festival.

3.By page 10, you know what the movie is about: The audience knows that Santa has been kidnapped by Peter at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival. Government law enforcement officers are in pursuit of Peter and Tilly.

4.Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary can’t get ahold of her ex-husband to invite him to the house Christmas eve…the day before he is scheduled to go to jail.

5.Mid-Point: Mary starts to suspect that the kidnapped Santa and her husband have something to do with each other.

6.Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary knows that Peter is on a destructive path and thinks about what her life would be without him. She must help him.

7.Crisis: Mary reports Santa missing to the police who laugh at her. Mary turns to the townspeople to help her find Peter.

8.Climax: Peter wants Santa to tell him how he goes down the chimney. Santa refuses and tries to talk Peter out of further criminal behavior. Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the event.

9.Resolution: Santa vouches for Peter and tells the police to let him go. The town gives Peter the money from the festival to pay his debt and stay out of jail. Joseph agrees to foot the bill for next year’s festival. Peter and Tilly are at Mary’s on Christmas Day to see the girls. Mary finally decides she loves Joseph and agrees to marry him.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Anita,

I think you have an important and well thought out story. I only have a few comments:

The concept is written well and paints a picture.

To me the key part of the Dramatic Triangle text is “…she actually wants a relationship with her daughter.” This doesn’t yet come through when reading the story in this particular format.

Dilemma #1 – will it be established that Danica is religious in order to go against her religious beliefs? Her sister clearly is.

Theme: Your theme centers on unwanted pregnancy but doesn’t mention the hot topic that may make the theme stronger…abortion rights.

I can’t wait to read your script as we go forward!

Feel free to critique my Version 3, if you have time. Thanks.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Story Logic Web for Feedback

Lisa Long’s SLW Version 1

A. Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband a mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

B. Plot Choice: #14 – Love

C. Character Structure: #3 Romantic Triangle

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who does X in the story*): Mary is a divorced mom who is torn between her ex-husband, Peter and the local winery owner, Joseph who is pursuing her.

E. Dramatic Question: Can Mary choose between Peter and Joseph while saving Santa and pulling off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival?

F. Main Conflict: Mary must stop Santa’s kidnapper when she finds out that he is the father of her two daughters.

G. Dilemma: Mary will have to choose between Peter and Joseph…and between saving Santa or Peter.

H. Theme: She is not alone who has friends and family…and love.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character: Mary goes from pushing people away when they get close to opening for the possibly of love.

Part to be changed: Mary pushes people away when they get too close.

Biggest fear: Being alone forever.

Completion of arc: Mary learns who she can trust and gives in to love.

9 Beat Structure Outline:

Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband a mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Opening: Mary is organizing the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Also, Mary has a secret relationship with her boss at the local winery, Joe. Mary’s ex-husband is out of regular work as a snowmobile repair man because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years.

Inciting Incident: Mary learns from the NORAD that someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for town and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: They know that she is torn between two loves. The audience knows that Santa is missing at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary can’t get ahold of her ex-husband.

Mid-Point: Mary starts to suspect that the kidnaped Santa and her husband have something to do with each other.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary thinks about what her life would be without her ex-husband.

Crisis: Mary reports Santa missing to the police who laugh at her. Mary calls on the townspeople to help her find Peter.

Climax: Peter wants Santa to tell him how he goes down the chimney. Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the event.

Resolution: Santa vouches for Mary’s ex and tells the police to let him go. It looks like Mary is going to choose the winery boss, but she ends up with her ex-husband after all.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s SLW Version 2

A. Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband to pay back taxes, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

B. Plot Choice: #14 – Love

C. Character Structure: #3 Romantic Triangle

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who does X in the story*): Mary is a divorced mom who is torn between her ex-husband, Peter and the local winery owner, Joseph who is pursuing her.

E. Dramatic Question: Can Mary choose between Peter and Joseph while saving Santa and pulling off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival?

F. Main Conflict: Mary must stop Santa’s kidnapper when she finds out that he is the father of her two daughters.

G. Dilemma: Mary will have to choose between Peter and Joseph…and between saving Santa or Peter.

H. Theme: She is not alone who has friends and family…and love.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character: Mary goes from pushing people away when they get close to opening for the possibly of love.

Part to be changed: Mary pushes people away when they get too close.

Biggest fear: Being alone forever.

Completion of arc: Mary learns who she can trust and gives in to love.

9 Beat Structure Outline:

Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband to pay back taxes, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Opening: Mary is organizing the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Also, Mary has a secret relationship with her boss at the local winery, Joe. Mary’s ex-husband is out of regular work as a snowmobile repair man because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years.

Inciting Incident: Mary learns from NORAD that someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for town and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: They know that she is torn between two loves. The audience knows that Santa is missing at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary can’t get ahold of her ex-husband.

Mid-Point: Mary starts to suspect that the kidnapped Santa and her husband have something to do with each other.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary thinks about what her life would be without her ex-husband.

Crisis: Mary reports Santa missing to the police who laugh at her. Mary calls on the townspeople to help her find Peter.

Climax: Peter wants Santa to tell him how he goes down the chimney. Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the event.

Resolution: Santa vouches for Peter and tells the police to let him go. The town gives Peter the money from the festival to pay his debt and stay out of jail. Joseph agrees to foot the bill for next year’s festival. It looks like Mary is going to choose Joseph, but she ends up with Peter after all.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s SLW Version 3

I HAVE CHANGED: Plot Choice, Character Structure, Lead Character description, Character Arc, and several 9-Step structure items including Opening and Resolution.

I decided to not make romance the main conflict, but instead the main events of the story.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>A. Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband to pay back taxes, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation or #17 Discovery

C. Character Structure: #2 Rom-Com

D. Lead Characters (*Name* is an *identity* who does X in the story*): Mary is a divorced mom who organizes the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival and is being pursued by Joseph, the local winery owner whom she keeps pushing away because of her daughters.

E. Dramatic Question: Can Mary save Santa while pulling off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival?

F. Main Conflict: Mary must stop Santa’s kidnapper when she finds out that he is the father of her two daughters.

G. Dilemma: Mary will have to choose between saving Santa or her ex-husband, Peter.

H. Theme: She is not alone who has friends and family.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character: Mary must do everything herself and doesn’t like asking for help.

Part to be changed: Mary must learn that she has friends that want to help her.

Biggest fear: Failure.

Completion of arc: Mary learns who she can trust and realizes she can give up control and still be a success.

9 Beat Structure Outline:

Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband to pay back taxes, a super mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Opening: Mary has taken over the organizing of the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival from her mother. Her ex-husband and the father of her two daughters, Peter, is about to go to jail for not paying back taxes. He hasn’t worked steadily as the owner of a snowmobile shop in 3 years because it hasn’t snowed. The opening scene is Mary, as volunteer firefighter, saving Peter from jumping off the George Bailey bridge.

Inciting Incident: After seeing his daughters watching Santa on the NORAD tracking site, Peter gets the idea to kidnap Santa. He and his girlfriend, Tilly head to the north pole. Mary learns from NORAD that someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for town and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: The audience knows that Santa has been kidnapped by Peter at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival. Government law enforcement officers are in pursuit of Peter and Tilly.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary can’t get ahold of her ex-husband to invite him to the house Christmas eve…the day before he is scheduled to go to jail.

Mid-Point: Mary starts to suspect that the kidnapped Santa and her husband have something to do with each other.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary knows that Peter is on a destructive path and thinks about what her life would be without him. She must help him.

Crisis: Mary reports Santa missing to the police who laugh at her. Mary turns to the townspeople to help her find Peter.

Climax: Peter wants Santa to tell him how he goes down the chimney. Santa refuses and tries to talk Peter out of further criminal behavior. Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the event.

Resolution: Santa vouches for Peter and tells the police to let him go. The town gives Peter the money from the festival to pay his debt and stay out of jail. Joseph agrees to foot the bill for next year’s festival. Peter and Tilly are at Mary’s on Christmas Day to see the girls. Mary finally decides she loves Joseph and agrees to marry him.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web

1. What I learned doing this assignment is…thinking and stewing about characters and plots can be productive. This lesson gives a format for working through possibilities.

2. BEFORE:

Concept: When Santa is kidnapped and ends up in Seneca Falls, NY, a super mom must save him, and the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Lead Characters:

Mary is a divorced mom, volunteer firefighter, community organizer, and local winery worker who is torn between her ex-husband (whom she may still love), and the local winery owner who is pursuing her.

Peter is Mary’s ex-husband and a decorated war veteran who is struggling to pay his back child support because he has a snowmobile shop and there hasn’t been snow in over 3 years.

Joseph, the local winery/vineyard owner, is in love with Mary and he tries to get her to commit to him.

Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.) #14- LOVE

Concept:

When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband a mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Opening: Mary saves a man from drowning, shows us that she is a busy mom of two daughters and a miniature dachshund. She is organizing the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Also, Mary works at the local winery with her boss, Joseph. We feel the physical tension between them. Mary’s ex-husband is out of regular work as a snowmobile repair man because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years.

Inciting Incident: Mary backs away from playing “Mary Bailey” this year. Mary’s children have trouble watching the NORAD site where Santa’s movements are tracked leading up to Christmas. Santa is gone! Two men have kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for Seneca Falls, NY and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: The audience knows that Mary is a bad ass volunteer firefighter. They know that she is torn between two loves. The audience knows that Santa is missing at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary has seen the suspicious men who have kidnapped Santa but she’s still putting it together.

Mid-Point: Mary and her ex, co-parent. Mary has a bad feeling about the strange men and follows them but loses them.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary tracks the suspicious men and finds out they are holed up in her ex-husband’s snowmobile shop. She tries to contact NORAD but can’t get through to them. She goes to the police station, but the police don’t believe that someone has kidnapped Santa and they laugh at her.

Climax: Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the bed guys with the help of her friends and family.

Resolution: The bad guys are arrested. Santa climbs up on the firetruck and joins the parade. Later that night, Mary chooses her man.

Character Arc:

Mary goes from pushing people away when they get close to opening for the possibility of love.

Part to be changed: Mary pushes people away when they get too close.

Biggest Fear: Being alone forever.

Completion of arc: Mary leans who she can trust and gives in to love.

Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:

Dramatic Question: Can Mary save Santa from the kidnappers and pull off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival at the same time?

Main Conflict: The kidnapper is holding Santa in town while during the festival and Mary must stop the kidnapper even though she finds out that he is the father of her two daughters.

Dilemma: Mary must decide whether to try and save both her ex-husband and Santa or just Santa and let it play out with her ex and law enforcement.

Theme: She is not alone who has friends…and family.

3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:

CONCEPT: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband a mom must save him, her ex, and the It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

LEAD CHARACTERS: PETER is Mary’s ex-husband and a decorated war veteran who is struggling to pay back taxes and in 3 days will go to jail (on Christmas day) if he can’t come up with $50,000. Note: Need to make Peter sympathetic, after all he’s a war hero.

CLIMAX: Not sure yet how the friends and family assist Mary. Need to add scenes to show more of the love triangle and how the friends help Mary.

RESOLUTION: An alternate: Santa summons his sleigh. Mary asks him why he hadn’t just done that before and he says he wanted Peter to know that he is not alone. He is worthy of trust and love. Santa then flies down Main St on his sleigh and waves to the crowd along the parade route…as he flies off shouting, Merry Christmas! It looks like Mary is going to choose Joseph, but she ends up with Peter. Note: Still torn about this.

Ø Tell us the discoveries and improvements that this process will make for your outline, but don’t post your outline with this assignment.

I will add several scenes to establish the love triangle. And add scenes to build the relationships with both Mary & Peter and the townspeople. Adding these scenes will add heart to the story.

4. AFTER:

Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband a mom must save him, her ex, and the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Lead Characters:

Mary is a divorced mom, volunteer firefighter, community organizer, and local winery worker who is torn between her ex-husband (whom she may still love), and the local winery owner who is pursuing her.

Peter is Mary’s ex-husband and a decorated war veteran who is struggling to pay back taxes and in 3 days will go to jail (on Christmas Day) if he can’t come up with $50,000.

Joseph, the local winery/vineyard owner, is in love with Mary and he tries to get her to commit to him. He lost his first love, and he doesn’t want to love Mary too.

Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)

Concept: When Santa is kidnapped by her ex-husband a mom must save him, her ex, and the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Opening: Mary saves a man from drowning, shows us that she is a busy mom of two daughters and a miniature dachshund. She is organizing the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Also, Mary works at the local winery with her boss, Joseph. We feel the physical tension between them. Mary’s ex-husband is out of regular work as a snowmobile repair man because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years.

Inciting Incident: Mary backs away from playing “Mary Bailey” this year. Mary’s children have trouble watching the NORAD site where Santa’s movements are tracked leading up to Christmas. Santa is gone! Someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for Seneca Falls, NY and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

The audience knows that Mary is a bad ass volunteer firefighter. They know that she is torn between two loves. The audience knows that Santa is missing at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival.

Turning point at the end of Act 1: Mary knows Santa has been kidnapped and she can’t get ahold of Peter.

Mid-Point: Mary starts to suspect that the kidnapped Santa and her husband have something to do with each other.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary thinks about what her life would be without Peter. She tries to contact NORAD but can’t get through to them. She goes to the police station, but the police don’t believe that someone has kidnapped Santa and they laugh at her. Mary calls on the townspeople to help her find Peter.

Climax: Peter wants Santa to tell him how he goes down the chimney. Santa says he can’t. Peter tries to force Santa to go down the chimney to bring up the gifts under the tree. Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the event.

Resolution: After Peter is apprehended, Santa summons his sleigh. Mary asks why he hadn’t done that before and Santa says he wanted Peter to know that he is not alone. He is worthy of trust and love. Santa vouches for Peter and tells the police to let him go. Santa flies down Main St and waves to the crowd along the parade route as he flies off shouting, Merry Christmas! It looks like Mary is going to choose Joseph, but she ends up with Peter. (Note: still torn about this)

Character Arc:

Mary goes from pushing people away when they get too close to opening for the possibility of love. Also, Mary goes from handling everything alone to allowing others to help her.

Parts to be changed:

Mary pushes people away when they get too close.

Mary wants control over everything she does.

Biggest Fear:

Being alone forever.

Failing.

Completion of arc:

Mary learns who she can trust and gives in to love.

Mary allows her friends, the townspeople to help her.

Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:

Dramatic Question: Can Mary save Santa from her ex and pull off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival at the same time?

Main Conflict: Mary must stop the kidnapper even though she finds out that he is the father of her two daughters.

Dilemma: Mary must try to save Santa, but she also wants to save Peter too. But she may have to just let it play out with law enforcement.

Theme: She is not alone who has friends & family.

Thank you,

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

[PS81] DAY 7: Applying Plot and Character Arc to Your Outline

Lisa’s 1st Pass

What I learned doing this assignment is…that I have a lot of work to do to flush out my story and add several more scenes.

1. LOGLINE: When Santa is kidnapped and ends up in Seneca Falls, NY, a super mom must save him, and the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

2. PLOT/PLOT SUMMARY: #14. Love – The key to a great love story is the obstacle. The characters want the love, but can’t have it for some reason…at least, not right away. The lovers are ill-suited in some way — different social classes, aren’t physically equal, or some other reason they “shouldn’t be together.” Success doesn’t come easily. Love must be proven by dedication and stick-to-it-iveness. Your characters should be appealing and convincing. Usually, one lover is more aggressive at seeking the love than the other. The aggressive partner is the seeker, who completes the majority of the action, while the passive partner (who may want it just as much) waits for the other to overcome the obstacles. Take your characters through the full ordeal of love. They must be tested and prove they deserve the love they seek. Love is earned, not a gift.

3. STRUCTURE:

Opening: Mary saves a man from drowning, shows us that she is a busy mom of two daughters and a miniature dachshund. She is organizing the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Also, Mary works at the local winery with her boss, Joe. We feel the physical tension between them. Mary’s ex-husband is out of regular work as a snowmobile repair man because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years.

Inciting Incident: Mary backs away from playing “Mary Bailey” this year. Mary’s children having trouble watching the NORAD site where Santa’s movements are tracked leading up to Christmas. Santa is gone! Two men have kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for Seneca Falls, NY and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: The audience knows that Mary is a bad ass volunteer firefighter. They know that she is torn between two loves. The audience knows that Santa is missing at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary doesn’t know where Peter is. Joe is pressuring her to move their relationship to the next level.

Mid-Point: Mary is very worried because she can’t get in touch with Peter. She’s afraid he may try hurt himself again. But she must worry about the festival too.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary can’t find Peter, so she goes to the police station, but the police don’t believe that he has kidnapped Santa and they laugh at her.

Climax: Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts Peter’s plan. Peter is getting arrested, but Santa says he won’t press charges and for them to let Peter go.

Resolution: Christmas day in court, Peter is there to turn himself in for the child support charge. The townspeople come with the money they made from the festival and give it to Peter to pay his debt. He won’t accept it. But they tell him they have found a sponsor who will pay for the next year’s festival, and they want him to have it because he’s done so much for all of them.

4. PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC

Mary goes from pushing people away when they get close to opening for the possibly of love.

Part to be changed: Mary pushes people away when they get too close.

Biggest fear: Being alone forever and not being a success.

Completion of arc: Mary learns who she can trust and gives in to love.

5. PLOT IN STRUCTURE

Opening: Mary saves a man from drowning, shows us that she is a busy mom of two daughters and a miniature dachshund. She is organizing the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Also, Mary works at the local winery with her boss, Joe. We feel the physical tension between them. Mary’s ex-husband is out of regular work as a snowmobile repair man because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years.

1. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT

Mary and her partner come across a man on George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain in their firetruck and Mary sees it’s her ex-husband, Peter. Peter is crying and is up on the railing. Mary hates heights, but she ends up saving Peter then lays into him about what he was trying to do.

2. INT-KITCHEN-DAY

Mary’s kitchen is full of Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival. She calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. When she turns around to call again, Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is sitting behind her with his head cocked. He goes over to his bowl and eats.

3. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Ruthie is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer. Her mom calls for her and she yells back that the computer is broken. She closes it and runs downstairs.

4. INT-SUV-DAY

Ruthie and Janie ask about their father on the way to school.

5. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Judge admonishes Peter for not being able to pay back child support. Peter is on hard times because there hasn’t been any snow and he’s a snowmobile repair man. Judge will send him to jail on Christmas day if he doesn’t come up with the money.

6. INT-HALLWAY-DAY

Mary and Peter discuss their girls outside the court room. Mary tells him he knows the girls love him. Peter and his girlfriend, Tilly discuss how Santa gets down the chimney. Peter has an idea.

7. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary works with Angel, her best friend and they discuss what happened at the courthouse and Joe, their boss. Joe asks Mary out and she declines.

8. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY

Joe expresses his love for Mary. Joe gives Mary a raise because of the situation with Peter.

9. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY

Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles.

10. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY

At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen. It’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to go find Santa.

11. EXT-FOREST-DAY

Snowmobiles catch some air. Snow is starting to thin. They continue on foot with blindfolded Santa in tow.

12. EXT-ROAD-DAY

Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.

13. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY

Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.

14. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight – All Are Welcome!’

15. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-NIGHT

Mary and Angel discuss how good Joe is with the girls as they watch them together. Introduction of other townspeople. After the meeting, Joe tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it.

Inciting Incident: Mary backs away from playing “Mary Bailey” this year. Mary’s children having trouble watching the NORAD site where Santa’s movements are tracked leading up to Christmas. Santa is gone! Someone has kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for Seneca Falls, NY and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: The audience knows that Mary is a bad ass volunteer firefighter. They know that she is torn between two loves. The audience knows that Santa is missing at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival.

16. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.

17. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT

Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles.

18. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Out the window, it’s snowing!

19. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY

Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.

20. INT-CAR-DAY

Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in Seneca Falls, NY. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.

21. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Ernie is passing out chestnuts in front of the Clarence Hotel. There’s a line outside of ZuZu’s Café. A group of scavenger hunters are leaving the community center.

22. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.

23. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter finds tracking device on Santa. Peter interrogates Santa on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.

24. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY

Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.

25. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary doesn’t know where Peter is. Joe is pressuring her to move their relationship to the next level.

26. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY

Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls. People are everywhere for the festival. They ask Ernie where the parade starts…down by the movie theater at the other end of the street. They head in that direction.

27. EXT-SIDE STREET-DAY

Mary checks out a large float with a huge old wooden sleigh on it. Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now.

28. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Tilly discuss how to get out of this and that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Tilly says she’s not going through with it and leaves.

29. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY

Santa is sick and Mary must play Santa because Angel has the radio show. Mary puts on the Santa suit.

30. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY

Peter and Santa leave the shop and head towards town. Peter carries and ladder and rope. Mary drives up looking for Peter, but he’s not there.

Mid-Point: Mary is very worried because she can’t get in touch with Peter. She’s afraid he may try hurt himself again. But she must worry about the festival too.

31. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK

Santa 5K starts and all runners are dressed as Santa and it’s snowing heavily now. Dash and Don are trying to figure out who is the real Santa as they run too.

32. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK

Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house.

33. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK

Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might be suicidal and leaves in frustration.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary can’t find Peter, so she goes to the police station, but the police don’t believe that he has kidnapped Santa and they laugh at her.

34. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT

Mary gets on the sleigh in the float and as the float starts to move, she sees someone behind the Davis’s house…it looks like Santa. She jumps off the float and runs toward the house.

35. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT

Angel and Joe have the girls along the parade route. Angel whispers to Joe that Mary will be playing Santa at the end of the parade.

36. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT

Dash and Don come around the library and see a Santa far away running toward the neighborhood. They take off after Santa.

37. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Mary sneaks up behind Santa and covers his mouth, points him to the woods. Mary climbs the ladder (still afraid of heights) and scoots along the roofline. Peter orders her to go down the chimney. Mary and Peter argue on the roof. Dash and Don find them.

38. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT

The real Santa has jumped on the sleigh float and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho! Those who know her remark on how great Mary is.

39. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Dash and Don climb on the roof and point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him. They get off the roof.

40. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

Santa returns as Dash and Don are taking Peter to their car. Santa convinces them to let Peter go.

Climax: Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts Peter’s plan. Peter is getting arrested, but Santa says he won’t press charges and for them to let Peter go.

41. INT-COURTROOM-DAY

Christmas morning, Peter turns himself in for the child support charges. Mary comes in and says it’s a miracle. The townspeople enter and pay Peter’s back support with the festival money. They each vouch for Peter and they have found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.

42. INT-HOUSE-DAY

Mary, Ruthie, Janie, and Uncle Billy have had Christmas. Peter and Tilly are celebrating with the girls too. Joe comes over to give Mary her Christmas gift.

43. EXT-PORCH-DAY

It’s still snowing. Joe gives Mary an engagement ring. Mary says she knows that the winery is going to foot the bill for next year’s festival. Mary accepts the ring, and they kiss as Uncle Billy barks and tries to get between their feet.

Resolution: Christmas day in court, Peter is there to turn himself in for the child support charge. The townspeople come with the money they made from the festival and give it to Peter to pay his debt. He won’t accept it. But they tell him they have found a sponsor who will pay for the next year’s festival, and they want him to have it because he’s done so much for all of them.

[Lisa Paris Long]

[PS#81] Day 6: Let’s See How Hollywood Does It.

Lisa Long

What I learned from doing this assignment is…that I can freeform write and then go back and cut, cut, cut. I learned how each scene is needed to move the story along.

Dramatic Question: Can the Kranks really skip Christmas?

Main Conflict: The Kranks will disappoint everyone, but they really want to go away.

Dilemma: Should they go on the cruise or disappoint everyone?

Theme: Family overall.

Outline of Christmas with the Kranks (2004)

1. INT- BEDROOM – DAY

Luther and Nora Krank are in bed and alarm goes off. They have a big day.

2. INT-AIRPORT – DAY

Luther and Nora Krank say goodbye to daughter Blair as she leaves for South America.

3. INT-CAR – EVENING

Nora replays the video on her phone of Blair leaving. They are worried about whether Blair will be okay in the jungle of Peru with the Peace Corps.

4. EXT-CAR – NIGHT (Pouring Rain)

Outside a small supermarket, Nora gives Luther a list of groceries she needs. They argue because they forgot to bring an umbrella and Luther doesn’t want to go into the store.

5. EXT-CAR-NIGHT (Pouring Rain)

Luther gives in and runs across the street in the rain. A Santa tries to give him an umbrella, but he declines the umbrella.

6. INT-CAR-NIGHT

Nora looks in a mirror and wipes away tears

7. EXT-CAR-NIGHT

Luther runs back across the street with a plastic grocery bag.

8. INT-CAR-NIGHT

Nora looks in the bag and tells Luther that he got the wrong kind of chocolate, and he should have talked to the butcher. He gets out of the car again.

9. EXT-CAR-NIGHT

Luther runs across the street and the Santa tries to give him an umbrella again.

10. EXT-STREET-NIGHT (Pouring rain)

Santa says that Luther really needs an umbrella. The awning full of water falls on him. Luther sees a poster of a cruise ship in a nearby window and ponders on it.

11. INT-OFFICE-DAY

Luther uses an adding machine to add up how much Christmas will cost this year.

12. INT-DINING ROOM-NIGHT

Luther shows Nora the ledger and a brochure for a 10-day luxury cruise. The catch: we skip Christmas. When Nora can’t give $600 bucks to her charities, she’s not in.

13. INT-BEDROOM-NIGHT

Luther gives in and says they can give to charity what they gave last year and no more.

14. INT-OFFICE-DAY

Luther drafts a memo stating that he won’t be celebrating Christmas this year and passes them out to his colleagues.

15. EXT-STREET-DAY

The owner of the stationary store runs after Nora and says he’s worried she hasn’t ordered her Christmas cards yet. Nora says they aren’t ordering cards this year.

16. INT-RESTAURANT-DAY

Nora is talking with 2 friends. Stationary owner comes in and asks if she needs to order her invitations. She says they aren’t having a Christmas eve party this year.

17. EXT-HOUSE-DUSK

The cub scout and father come to offer the same type of tree they ordered the previous year. Luther says they aren’t buying a tree because they’re going away for Christmas.

18. INT-LIVING ROOM-DUSK

Nora and Luther hide behind the curtains and talk about how Fromyer oversees the street.

19. EXT-STREET-DAY

Scout master tells Walt and Vic Fromyer that Luther stiffed the scouts on a tree.

20. EXT-STREET-NIGHT

Fromyer asks about Blair and says his family is putting up lights. Not going to be the same without Blair. Fromyer gives him a flyer to put up Frosty on his roof.

21. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Nora says it’s a tradition, why won’t you put up Frosty?

22. EXT-PORCH-DAY

Walt comes over. Beth comes over with the cat that Luther has just stepped on. How is Beth feeling? Good day. Walt calls Luther ‘old man’.

23. INT-OFFICE-DAY

Everyone in the office gives Luther a bad time about not celebrating Christmas.

24. EXT-HOUSE-DAY

Fromyer and the neighborhood kids are on the lawn, and he shouts We’re here for Frosty!

25. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Nora sits by the window and calls Luther on the phone. They’re here and want Frosty.

26. INT-OFFICE-DAY

Luther says they can’t have it.

27. INT-HALLWAY-DAY

Nora says to Luther that they will put him up.

28. INT-OFFICE-DAY

Luther says absolutely not.

29. INT-HALLWAY-DAY

Nora pleads with Luther.

30. INT-OFFICE-DAY

Luther says NO.

31. EXT-LAWN-DAY

Fromyer says we’ll come back later. Spike says and Frosty better be here.

32. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Nora hides under the covers on the bed

33. INT-OFFICE-DAY

Luther says you’re scared in a locked house. It’s a ridiculous 7 ft snowman.

34. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Nora says you are miles away in your office.

35. INT-OFFICE-DAY

Luther Yeah, well.

36. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Nora still under covers. I’m here, I am the one dealing with this.

37. INT-OFFICE-DAY

Luther says I agree. Maybe it’s time you left the neighbors.

38. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Nora, how do you think I’m going to do that? The neighbors are blocking the street.

39. INT-OFFICE-DAY

Luther maybe you go to the garage and get in the car and drive away. Go to the mall and I’ll meet you at O’Leary’s.

40. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

See Nora, hear Luther on phone say Do it now, you can do this. Nora runs to the garage.

41. INT-GARAGE-DAY

Nora opens the garage door. The street is full of people. Nora drives out of the garage with the hood of her coat up.

42. EXT-STREET-DAY

Fromyer grabs onto Nora’s down car window and hangs on. Nora rolls up the window on Fromyer’s hands and he falls; his gloves are stuck on the window.

43. INT-RESTAURANT-NIGHT

Nora says she is the one on the frontline & must deal with everything. Luther has a surprise for her. It’s a bikini and he a speedo. These aren’t for the cruise.

44. INT-MALL-DAY

Luther says he’s not going to eat fish tacos at an Irish pub.

45. INT-TANNING SALON-DAY

Follow me and don’t mention her eyes. Nora doesn’t want to do it. Isn’t the point to get a tan on the cruise? Look at our skin. You look like a corpse.

46. INT-TANNING ROOM-DAY

Nora gets in tanning bed. A man comes in and Nora hits her head.

47. INT-TANNING SALON LOBBY-DAY

Father Sabrisky sees Nora in her bikini. Her head is bleeding. Father upset they’re not observing Christmas this year. Luther comes out to lobby in his speedo to see if she’s okay.

48. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

In the local newspaper is a photo of them in their bathing suits. It says they are “Skipping Christmas; the Kranks are preparing for a cruise. They are selfish.” Nora goes off.

49. INT-SOUP KITCHEN-DAY

Nora and friends are serving meals. Beth’s cancer is back and has spread. This could be her last Christmas.

50. EXT-STREET-DAY

Luther steps on the cat. Luther asks Walt how the photographer climbed on his roof for the newspaper photo. Stop calling me old man! Nora says, I just heard about Beth.

51. EXT-STREET-NIGHT

All the houses are decorated with lights except the Kranks. Walt is outside working on putting lights on his bushes.

52. INT-KITCHEN-NIGHT

Luther and Nora are cooking when the doorbell rings. They’re here for Frosty. Nora says no she’s not answering. Rings again. Luther gives in.

53. INT-FOYER-NIGHT

Two policemen are at the door and say it’s that time of year again for our calendar that is our big money maker. Luther says we don’t need a calendar this year.

54. EXT-STREET-NIGHT

Police tell Walt that the Kranks said they didn’t need a calendar this year. St. Maria’s church choir comes by, and Walt says I think some Christmas cheer will do them good!

55. INT-DINING ROOM-NIGHT

Luther and Nora hide and sneak to the window to see carolers. They pull the curtains. Not too late to buy a calendar.

56. EXT-LAWN-NIGHT

More carolers join in including Vic Fromyer and his son, Spike. They sing faster and faster and faster.

57. INT-LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

Suddenly, carolers appear at the window singing loudly and scaring Nora.

58. EXT-LAWN-NIGHT

A large crowd are on the lawn still singing.

59. INT-BASEMENT-NIGHT

Luther and Nora go to the basement to hide under the stairs. Nora turns and sees Frosty in the corner staring at them.

60. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Looking out the curtains, a group of kids are shouting Free Frosty!

61. EXT-LAWN-DAY

Spike Fromyer kid puts a sign on their lawn saying Free Frosty. Luther comes out and takes it into the house.

62. EXT-STREET-DAY

Nora is walking down the street of downtown. Little girls say Merry Christmas Mrs. Krank. She turns and looks at them sweetly.

63. EXT-LAWN-NIGHT

Luther is watering the walk outside his house to form ice.

64. EXT-LAWN-DAY

The mailman walks across the lawn and slips on the ice. Luther sees this from the window and celebrates.

65. EXT-LAWN-NIGHT

A group of carolers walk up the lawn and all fall on the ice. Nora comes out to help and slides all the way down the walk on her stomach. Walt’s cat is frozen in the ice.

66. INT-HOSPITAL ROOM-DAY

Nora is reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas to sick children. Luther comes in and checks himself out in a mirror. Nora wonders what is wrong with him.

67. INT-RESTAURANT-NIGHT

Nora says your face is frozen. Luther got Botox and his eyebrows are high and he can’t eat. Everyone is talking behind our backs. You’re just consumed with yourself.

68. INT-BEDROOM-DAY

Luther and Nora are packing for their cruise. Blair calls. She’s coming home with her fiancé Enrique. Blair will never know about your stupid scheme to skip Christmas.

69. EXT-CHRISTMAS TREE LOT-DAY

Luther tries to get a Christmas tree, but they only have a bare twig of a tree left. They give Luther a hard time about not buying earlier.

70. EXT-STREET-DAY

Luther asks neighbor Wes for his tree while they’re gone for Christmas. Luther makes a deal with Spike to help him get the Christmas tree from Wes’s house to his house.

71. EXT-GROCERY STORE-DAY

Nora drives up and runs into the store.

72. INT-WES’S HOUSE-DAY

Luther and Spike plan to put the delicate ornaments on the sofa.

73. INT-NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE-DAY

Neighbor Ned is watching them from his house with binoculars.

74. INT-WES’S HOUSE-DAY

Spike breaks an ornament.

75. INT-WALT’S HOUSE-DAY

Walt answers the phone and Ned tells Walt that Luther is stealing Wes’s Christmas tree. Walt looks out the window.

76. INT-GROCERY STORE-DAY

Nora races an older lady to the hams but gets hit by a cart and smashes into a display. The other woman gets the last Hickory Honey ham.

77. INT-WES’S HOUSE-DAY

Luther puts the Christmas tree on Spike’s wagon.

78. INT-GROCERY STORE-DAY

Nora sees a man with a Hickory Honey ham at checkout and begs to buy the ham.

79. EXT-STREET-DAY

The tree runs away across the street as two policemen ask him where he’s going with that tree. Luther says they were moving it to his house. Spike runs away.

80. EXT-GROCERY STORE-DAY

Nora has the ham, but she drops it, and it spins through the parking lot. It goes under a truck and out onto the street where a Semi runs over it. Nora throws a fit on the ground.

81. INT-POLICE CAR-DAY

Luther is in the back seat of the cruiser. Spike knocks on the window of the car and tells the policemen that it’s not a burglary and gives them the key.

82. EXT-STREET-DAY

The police let Luther go and he has the key. Luther and Spike go to finish moving the tree.

83. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

Blair calls from ATL. Nora rambles off what she needs as she leaves for the store. Luther is to put up Frosty. Then he is to call all the neighbors and invite them to the party.

84. EXT-STREET-DAY

Nora tears out of the driveway.

85. EXT-HOUSE-DUSK

Frosty is in a noose and Luther is hauling him up to the roof.

86. INT-LIQUOR STORE-EVENING

An older man in a cap says Merry Christmas, Nora. She doesn’t recognize him. He knows Blair. Nora invites him to the party.

87. EXT-ROOF-NIGHT

Luther is still pulling Frosty up to the roof.

88. INT-FROMYER HOUSE-NIGHT

Vic is watching Luther with his binoculars struggling to put up Frosty. He tells the kids and they all run over to watch Luther.

89. EXT-ROOF-NIGHT

Luther gets Frosty up on the roof. Fromyer asks if he needs help as a crowd gathers. Luther and Frosty slide down the roof.

90. EXT-YARD-NIGHT

Frosty hits the ground. Luther is hanging off the roof. Fromyer rallies the crowd to help with the party for Blair, not Luther. He tells the police to go to the airport and pick up Blair.

91. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Fromyer and others hoist Frosty up the side of the house. It starts to snow.

92. INT- HOUSE-NIGHT

People are helping decorate. Nora opens the door. Neighbors stream in with food.

93. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Fromyer is watching over the firemen hanging Christmas lights on the bushes outside.

94. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Montage of Luther, Nora, and different people putting up decorations. Blair calls and they landed 5 minutes early. Fromyer whispers in Spike’s ear and Spike runs out.

95. INT-AIRPORT-NIGHT

Blair and Enrique are looking for Luther and Nora. The cops are there with signs that say “Blair & N. Reeky”.

96. INT-KITCHEN-NIGHT

Everyone is decorating snowmen cookies frantically.

97. EXT-AIRPORT PARKING LOT-NIGHT

Police put the luggage in the trunk of the cruiser.

98. INT-POLICE CAR-NIGHT

Spike calls the police and tells the cops to stall that they aren’t ready for Blair yet.

99. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Luther answers the doorbell and it’s the man in the cap from the liquor store. He calls Luther by name and gives him a Hickory Honey ham.

100. EXT-CITY STREET-NIGHT

It’s snowing as police drive very slowly down the street.

101. INT-POLICE CAR-NIGHT

Second cop asks why driving so slowly? Icy roads.

102. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

People are still decorating. Luther tells Nora that no one knows the guy with the hat. He knows them Nora says.

103. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Fromyer is ordering the firemen to check the string of lights. Randy plugs in the lights and it blows all the lights on the block.

104. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Lights go out.

105. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Fromyer says Oops! Randy says Sweet.

106. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Luther says it’s just the lights and he’ll check the breaker.

107. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Fromyer says he’ll go help Luther.

108. INT-BASEMENT-NIGHT

Luther and Fromyer check the breaker box. Luther asks Fromyer if he knows anyone at ConEd. Fromyer answers yes.

109. INT-POLICE CAR-NIGHT

Spike calls cops to say they need more time. First cop makes up a fake domestic violence crime. Blair and Enrique look worried.

110. EXT-STREET-NIGHT

ConEd worker on pole at end of street turns a switch, but nothing happens.

111. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Nora has candles around and she’s ordering people where to place things.

112. EXT-STREET-NIGHT

ConEd worker on pole flips the switch again. Nothing happens.

113. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Again, Nora is ordering people where to place items.

114. EXT-STREET-NIGHT

ConEd worker flips the switch again.

115. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Nora tells Luther there’s a box downstairs.

116. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

ConEd worker hits the switch with a hammer.

117. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Lights come on the block. Everyone can see how great the house is decorated now. They’ll be here any minute.

118. EXT-CITY STREET-NIGHT

Two policemen have parked the car and are walking down the street. First cop tells second cop that they must stall until the party starts.

119. INT-POLICE CAR-NIGHT

Blair reassures Enrique that it will be fine.

120. EXT-CITY STREET-NIGHT

Cops pretend to investigate something by a door.

121. INT-BEDROOM-NIGHT

Nora has tried powder on Luther to try to hide his tan.

122. EXT-CITY STREET-NIGHT

Cops hear a crash that sounds like a break in, but they got a party to go to. Second cop goes up fire escape but falls and hits his head. Thief falls into a trash bin and rolls out of it.

123. INT-POLICE CAR-NIGHT

Blair and Enrique are watching from the car.

124. EXT-CITY STREET-NIGHT

Thief is on the ground. Second cop runs after him towards the police car.

125. INT-POLICE CAR-NIGHT

Blair and Enrique are watching this happen from the car.

126. EXT-CITY STREET-NIGHT

Cop tackles the thief right next to Blair’s side of the police car.

127. INT-POLICE CAR-NIGHT

Blair and Enrique lean toward the window with their mouths open. Thief pops up with his face against the glass and they scream.

128. INT-BEDROOM-NIGHT

Nora and Luther are getting ready. Luther questions whether he looks like a mafioso in the black turtleneck. Nora says that Blair is never to know about the cruise!

129. EXT-STREET-NIGHT

Spike uses a walkie-talkie to let Fromyer know that they’re coming. Fromyer calls up to Ned on the roof as he puts up Frosty. Fromyer tells him to hide!

130. EXT-STREET-NIGHT

Spike rides his bike ahead of the police cruiser and another boy follows the cruiser on his bike.

131. INT-BEDROOM-NIGHT

Nora looks out window and yells they’re here! Luther asks what if we don’t like him? They see Blair get out of the police car. Nora screams to everyone, she’s here!

132. EXT-DRIVEWAY-NIGHT

Fromyer says hello to Blair and Enrique. Didn’t Luther do a great job on the house?

133. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Blair mentions the tans. The cops bring in Blair’s bags. Fromyer enters smiling and pleased.

134. EXT-DRIVEWAY-NIGHT

Thief talks Spike into taking off his handcuffs and letting him go to the party. Spike gives him 20minutes; thief swears on his kids’ lives.

135. INT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Spike and criminal enter house. Man in the cap introduces himself as Marty. The Thief goes upstairs. Nora makes a toast. Everyone looks at Luther. “Same goes for me double.”

136. INT-KITCHEN-NIGHT

Nora is upset because Luther can’t put others first. Front door is open, and Luther can see out the door to Walt and Beth. He has an idea and sees the ham on the counter.

137. INT-LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

Blair and Enrique are enjoying the music. Everyone claps as Blue Christmas is done.

138. EXT-STREET-NIGHT

Luther hears someone call Luther and looks up to see Frosty. Luther gives Walt and Beth the ham. Luther leaves and gets halfway across the street. He goes back and rings the doorbell again.

139. INT-WALT’S HOUSE- NIGHT

Luther gives Walt and Beth the cruise. He offers to take the cat. Luther gives Beth a hug. Luther leaves.

140. EXT-WALT’S HOUSE-NIGHT

Walt follows Luther out and shakes his hand. They decide they still don’t have to be nice to each other as they smile.

141. EXT-KRANK’S HOUSE-NIGHT

As Luther approaches, he looks up and sees Ned frozen behind Frosty. He says he’ll get him down.

142. INT-BEDROOM-NIGHT

Upstairs the thief takes jewelry and puts it in a pillowcase. Spike catches him in the act; the Thief jumps out the bathroom window.

143. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT

Thief falls off roof and Marty dressed as Santa, hits the man over the head with an umbrella. Luther and Nora hug on the lawn. Reindeer pull Santa’s old VW bug, and it flies off with a Merry Christmas!

[Lisa Paris Long]

[PS81] Day 5: Intro to Basic Structure

Lisa Long’s Basic Structure

What I learned from doing this assignment is…that having changed part of the story, I still need to flush out some parts of it. And being brief is difficult.

Concept: (a slight change was made)

When Santa is kidnapped and ends up in Seneca Falls, NY, a super mom must save him, and the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

Opening: Mary saves a man from drowning, shows us that she is a busy mom of two daughters and a miniature dachshund. She is organizing the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival. Also, Mary works at the local winery with her boss, Joe. We feel the physical tension between them. Mary’s ex-husband is out of regular work as a snowmobile repair man because it hasn’t snowed in 3 years.

Inciting Incident: Mary backs away from playing “Mary Bailey” this year. Mary’s children having trouble watching the NORAD site where Santa’s movements are tracked leading up to Christmas. Santa is gone! Two men have kidnapped Santa at the north pole and are heading for Seneca Falls, NY and the IAWL festival.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: The audience knows that Mary is a bad ass volunteer firefighter. They know that she is torn between two loves. The audience knows that Santa is missing at the same time the town gets ready for the IAWL festival.

Turning point at end of Act 1: Mary has seen the suspicious men who have kidnapped Santa, but she’s still putting it together.

Mid-Point: Mary and her ex, co-parent. Mary has a bad feeling about the strange men and follows them but loses them.

Turning point at end of Act 2: Mary tracks the suspicious men and finds out that they are holed up in her ex’s snowmobile shop. She tries to contact NORAD but can’t get through to them. She goes to the police station, but the police don’t believe that someone has kidnapped Santa and they laugh at her.

Climax: Mary, dressed as Santa, trades places with the real Santa and thwarts the bad guys with the help of her friends and family.

Resolution: The bad guys are arrested. Santa climbs up on the firetruck and joins the parade. Later that night, Mary chooses her man.

Thank you,

L.Long

[Lisa Paris Long]

[PS #81] Lisa Long’s NECESSARY QUESTIONS

What I learned doing this assignment is…that sticking to one question, conflict, dilemma, and theme is not easy.

1. List your answer for each of these areas of your story.

a. CONCEPT: When her ex-husband kidnaps Santa to pay back a debt, a Seneca Falls, NY super mom must save him, Santa, and the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

b. DRAMATIC QUESTION: Can Mary save Santa from his kidnapper and pull off the It’s a Wonderful Life festival at the same time?

c. MAIN CONFLICT: The kidnapper is holding Santa in town during the festival and Mary must stop the kidnapper even though she finds out that he is the father of her two daughters.

d. DILEMMA: Mary must decide whether to try and save both her ex-husband and Santa, or just Santa and let it play out with her ex and law enforcement.

e. THEME: She is not alone who has friends…and family.

Thank you,

Lisa Long

[Lisa Paris Long]

PS81 Lisa Long’s Dramatic Plot – Part Two

What I learned from this assignment is…that I can make the story go in many directions and I must pick one even though other plots may work.

Original Concept: When her ex-husband kidnaps Santa to pay a debt, a Seneca Falls, NY super mom must save him, Santa, and the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

14. Love

The key to a great love story is the obstacle. The characters want the
love, but can’t have it for some reason…at least, not right away. The
lovers are ill-suited in some way — different social classes, aren’t
physically equal, or some other reason they “shouldn’t be
together.” Success doesn’t come easily. Love must be proven by
dedication and stick-to-it-iveness. Your characters should be appealing
and convincing.
Usually, one lover is more aggressive at seeking the love than the
other. The aggressive partner is the seeker, who completes the majority of
the action, while the passive partner (who may want it just as much) waits
for the other to overcome the obstacles.
Take your characters through the full ordeal of love. They must be tested
and prove they deserve the love they seek. Love is earned, not a gift.

Protagonist Mary is having doubts about both of her relationships because of the obstacles. She divorced because of the difficulty with her ex-husband’s past and present unsuccessfulness. And her other suitor is her boss. She wants love but is most protective of her daughter’s feelings and thinks it’s not the right time. As events unfold, both men reveal how they will earn Mary’s love…and she finds love again.

17. Discovery

This plot is more about the character making the discovery than it is about
the discovery itself. This story is often about having to reconcile past
versus the new present for the character. “You were, you are, you will be”
is how the story is delivered. The characters are searching to understand
something fundamental about themselves.
Usually, the character is already on the cusp of change. We get a glimpse
of the main character’s “former life,” but quickly move into the present
and future. A catalyst forces a significant change and the character moves
into the crisis. Revelations are made along the way in proportion to the
events of the story. The character is being forced to look at their life
for real and take stock of who he or she really is. In the end, they
emerge much wiser, although often, they do so only just before dying.

Many events throughout the story force change for the Mary the Protagonist. She must look at her life and make decisions. She discovers what she wants and how she wants to live her life going forward by the end of the story.

4. Then, looking at the four plots (two from yesterday and two from today)
tell us which plot you would like to use throughout the Outlining module.

I will use from yesterday, Rescue.

Thank you,

Lisa Long

[Lisa Paris Long]

PS81 Lisa Long’s Dramatic Plots – Part One

What I learned from this assignment is…that I usually let the characters push the plot along, but that I can have more control over the plot by making choices. And that more than one plot can be combined to add layers.

4. Rescue

The Hero will rescue a victim from the villain but the focus of the story
is often on the hero’s pursuit of the villain. The natural progression:
separation, pursuit, confrontation, and finally reunion.

Protagonist Mary is an every woman who tries to rescue others all the time. She is trying to rescue her ex-husband from his demons, and she is trying to save the town by making the festival a success. She also is constantly looking out for her two daughters. By the end, she rescues everyone and everything, but most importantly she rescues herself by realizing what it is she truly wants from life.

10. Temptation

This character plot depends largely on morality and the effects of giving
into temptation. Usually, you establish the nature of the protagonist and the nature

of the temptation. Show how the protagonist struggles over their decision to
avoid the temptation, then have the protagonist give in. Once the
short-term gratification is over, the pain and consequences set in. As the
negative effects of the temptation surface and increase in intensity, the
protagonist fights to avoid responsibility and punishment for the act. Finally, after much internal and external conflict, the protagonist reaches some kind resolution.

Protagonist Mary has two men in her life. Her ex-husband who still lives nearby and she worries about in a way that makes her think that maybe she still loves him. Peter is her boss whom she has seen a couple of times outside of work. Mary is enamored with Peter. He is well off, secure, and really cares about her. Mary is struggling with 2 temptations, but are either what she really wants?

Thank you,

Lisa Long

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa’s Character Structure

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” that I there is an order and structure to writing a story.

1. List your concept.

When her ex-husband kidnaps Santa to pay back a debt, a Seneca Falls, NY super mom must save him, Santa, and the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival.

2. Tell us the Character Structure you choose for your story.

Dramatic Triangle

3. Give us one sentence on each of your lead characters.

Mary is a divorced mom, volunteer firefighter, community organizer, and local winery worker who is torn between her ex-husband (whom she may still love), and the local winery owner who is pursuing her.

Peter is Mary’s ex-husband and a decorated war veteran who is struggling as a snowmobile mechanic because there hasn’t been snow in over 3 years.

Joe, the local winery/vineyard owner, is in love with Mary and he is trying to get her to commit to him.

4. In one or two paragraphs, tell us how you see the character structure playing out in your story.

Mary has been resisting Joe’s advances because she has two young daughters, and he is her boss. Through a series of incidents (reminiscent of It’s a Wonderful Life), Mary realizes she must decide once and for all where her heart lies. Peter deals with his demons from the war and the divorce through the support of the townspeople and helping Mary. Joe starts to doubt if Mary will ever come around. Who will Mary choose as she saves Christmas?

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Everyone,

I learned so much from the first teleconference with Hal. The below…plus what everyone else replied:

“This is a good thing”

Focus on learning…300 skills to learn! And there are 33 ways people learn.

“Write, Learn, Post”, repeat.

This class is different. Embrace the difference.

“I already know this” shuts off learning.

Middle drafts usually consist of 7 to 10 drafts.

Don’t create before your skill level.

Creativity flows through the Pro Skills.

Write something you love.

Focus specifically on each skill as we move through the class.

And finally, I learned that negative feedback ended my acting career. 🙂

Lisa

(I’m on the East coast, so my postings may be at odd times)

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hello,

I am Lisa Long.

I have sold 1 screenplay. I have 2 others that I have been working on for a long time. And a stage play, as well.

I have taken several Screenwriting U classes over the years. I’m hoping this class will assist me in focusing my attention to complete what I’ve been working on.

I started my career as an actress…it didn’t last long.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long. I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Lisa Long

I agree to the terms of this release form

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Deb,

I like what you did here. Showing Victoria as a beautiful superstar. And yet she is humble, still making smoothies for others. The surprise that she is on the show is fun too.

Delia’s rework…I like that we can see what happened when her dad left and it’s dramatic with the crash through the glass door! Only question I have is, are the wrist scars from going through the glass door? Or is it meant to show a suicide attempt? I wasn’t sure. I’d rather see Delia’s actions reflect her current philosophy of life instead of the VO, but that’s my opinion. Take it or leave it.

I can see the progress in developing your characters and it’s exciting!

Good job,

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Deb,

I agree with your suggestions. I have a lot of work to still do on my characters, but I feel like they will get there. Your feedback really helps!

Thank you,

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Deb,

Overall, I can see how you are fleshing out your characters. Great work!

Notes/Comments: Take what you want and ignore the rest.

You may already have this planned, but…I realized that Delia is forced to listen to the stories because she doesn’t have a phone. Maybe at the beginning of the artwork scene we see her frustration at having to listen. But as Victoria reveals more stories, Delia gets more and more interested in them.

Introduction of Cora. I’m not sure about this addition because the fewer characters the better. This is an idea…I feel like it should be Abby that makes the reveal to Delia about the “real” endings. I think it would be more poignant coming from her grandmother and build that bond.

I agree that the artwork is its own character…and it’s all of the characters!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hello Frances,

I will exchange.

llongmolly@gmail.com

I’ll email you.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Pat,

I’ve gone back and forth on whether Jane knows or not. It was originally a surprise to all involved and to the audience. I may keep it a surprise because I think it has more impact. But there is a bit of foreshadowing when Jane goes upstairs to talk to Molly, but instead goes to her room to lie down.

I definitely need to add Ed using Molly as subtext in a couple of the beginning scenes. Before he gets in deep with Molly.

Another point that I’ve toyed with is Mars’ sarcastic trait. I don’t want him to come off as flippant. It’s a fine line that I need to work on.

Thank you for your feedback!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Deb,

I can read the depth being added to your characters as you think more about their traits. I agree with the changes you are making for each character. I was going to mention possible confusion between the names Victoria and Victor, but I figured he was named after his grandma. Not an unusual thing in the real world. 😄

I look forward to reading the script too.

Lisa

(I realize I forgot to do the original and changes in mine. Oops!)

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Deb,

Thank you for your comments. I agree with your notes. A couple of the characters have changed over the course of the drafts, and I missed updating the profiles.

Much appreciated!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Deb,

I already have someone lined up for Assignment 2 of Day 1. But next time we have to exchange, I would definitely like to work with you! My email address is llongmolly@gmail.com.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Victor,

I’m waiting for two people to send me their feedback. When I get them back and make the changes to the outline, I’ll send it on to you. In the meantime, you can send me your outline when you’re ready at llongmolly@gmail.com.

I saw your email…Thanks, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Rob,

FYI–I sent my feedback to your email address.

Thanks, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hello Rob,

If you’d like to exchange, I’m available with my second outline version based on my first exchange.

I have a drama titled CHESAPEAKE GIRL about a 12-year-old aspiring dancer…not sure if it’s up your alley but let me know if you’re interested.

Lisa Long

llongmolly@gmail.com

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Ron,

Proper post would be Module 4 – Day 1, not Day 4.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Joel,

Not sure what happened. But look at the text…sometimes it says the next lesson will not be downloaded for a few days. Sometimes it is marked complete. Without seeing it, I can’t really help. So, you may want to submit a customer service ticket. Go up to the top of the page and select the 3 dots to find the customer service link. Be sure to tell them you’re in the WIM2 class or they won’t respond.

Hope that helps.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Joel,

On the main Forums page look to the far right and find the correct Module number in the long green highlighted lines. Then find the DAY which matches the LESSON number. So, this is Module 3 – Lesson 7 that you have posted in.

I just finished the ProSeries class, so I’m used to posting in the Forums.

Best,

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Hari,

You’ve posted this in wrong spot. This is Module 3- Lesson 7.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Joel,

This is lesson 7, not lesson 2. You’ve posted this in the incorrect forum.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Dana,

People love thrillers and being scared! Me, not so much…although I’ve watched my share 🙂

I’m about halfway through my second draft of Mary’s Wonderful Christmas. Glad you figured out First Time Caller! Look forward to reading it again someday.

Best for The Smelting Pot/The Custodian.

Talk soon,

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Andrew,

FYI–You’ve posted on Day 6 instead of Day 1

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Dana,

Sounds like another scary thriller! Can’t wait to see what you write.

Best, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Michael,

Thanks for the feedback! I have struggled to pull out what to use. I’ll try again to include some of the Act 2 hooks. I’m working on the second draft now. I would love to include you in my T.O.T.E. group, if you agree?

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hey Dana,

Thank you. But my accomplishments were a long time ago and I’m trying to get back to where I was. So, I share your feeling of inadequacy! You are a terrific writer and I’m envious of how you’re able to edit your work to just what is needed. Hang in there and see you in the next class!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Dev Ross – Version Three

From Lisa Long

The story at the top of the letter is gripping!

1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?

Hooks: White Supremacist, KKK, Doppelganger who is Black

2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?

These are characters have built-in conflict before we even know what happens!

3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.

Opening Hooks: White Supremacist, KKK, Doppelganger who is Black.

Hooks throughout: multi-verse climate change, poisonous infiltration, Klan is turning on him & burning a cross on his lawn, daughter pregnant by a Black man, wife turns Black, assassination, another universe, battle across realities, destroy everything, they die, worlds implode, heaven and hell.

4. Does the query letter flow well?

It flows well for a story that can be difficult to understand.

5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?

It is a fascinating ending with the creation of the two opposite universes.

6. Were there any parts that confused you?

Because I have read parts of the script, I wasn’t confused. But in my opinion, it needs to be shorter. This is challenging with a story that needs extra explanation for comprehension.

7. Do you have any suggestions that will help them improve 1 through 5?

Maybe if the concentration as on 5-6 hooks only. Doppelganger, Supremacist angle, Universe changing, Battle, Death, World implodes.

Please critique my second version if you have the chance!

Good Luck,

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hey Dana,

Thanks for your feedback! I’ll be reposting soon and hope you’ll take another look then.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Thanks so much, Cam!

I will rewrite and repost soon.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Dana’s Query Letter Draft One

From Lisa Long

Title: First Time Caller

You’re listening to your favorite radio show when a caller warns the host that he’s kidnapped her family and intends to kill them one-by-one on the air unless she bends to his will. Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?

Note: Love your opening. Sets it up perfectly. You know what you’re getting. I would change the channel…but many would turn it up. Makes one think, “what would I do?” HOOK.

Talk radio psychologist Ellen Landry has received just such a call.

Note: HOOK.

Having survived a professional tragedy, Dr. Ellen is rebuilding her life at a talk radio therapist when the psychotic identity of an old patient suffering from multiple personalities dials in. His only request: erase the patient’s true identity by the end of her show.

Note: Change “…her life at a talk…” to “…her life as a talk…”. Because I’ve read your script I know what it means, but if I hadn’t read it I might wonder what “erase the patient’s true identity” means.

The rules? Simple. If she refuses, they die. If she breaks the call, they die. If her show goes off the air, they die. If she fails, they die.

Note: Powerful. Builds that she can’t win! HOOK.

Ellen Landry must summon all her psychological skills to pit one identity against the other to save her family while Det. Jack Sorensen races against time to find the kidnapper before the end of the show.

Note: Short, Sweet Summary. HOOK.

So? Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?

Note: End where you started. Again, makes one ask themselves what they would do. Leaves them wanting more!

If you enjoyed my concept, I will be glad to send you my script First Time Caller.

Sincerely,

Dana Abbott

Note: Nice closing.

You have a near perfect letter here. You will sell!

Feel free to critique mine too.

Thank you, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Matthew Frendo’s Query Letter – Draft One

From Lisa Long

Overall, I see hooks that will make the reader continue reading. The lead character is curiously interesting. I want to know the secret! You are very close to a powerful letter. You left off the end of the letter with the bio and request for script part, etc. I would include the TITLE of the script somewhere too.

Hey guys! So, I have three versions below. Please let me know which you think works best and why. Thanks!

Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next…

Note: “vote in” to what? And who is voting? Maybe change the tense and tell them who is voting by saying, “Alicia wonders what horrible monster the public will send to kill her next… Hook.

She and the other players already took out two. First time in history it’s ever happened. And the assholes in power have to be getting worried…and pissed. Either way…

She knew she was going to die.

Note: Hook.

In 30 years of sacrifice matches, only one person ever survived. And he was way tougher than any of them were. All she wanted now was for her son to be proud when she did finally meet her end…even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hoped he never found out the truth.

Note: I would use the present tense instead of the past: change “wanted” to wants, “was” to is, “hoped” to hopes, “kept” to keeps, etc. It will make it feel more in the moment and that it’s happening now.

Example: “All she wants now is for her son to be proud when she finally meets her end…even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hopes he never finds out the truth.” Hook – what is the truth?

Because that would be the only thing worse than being ripped apart alive while the whole world cheers…

Every criminal that was forced in got killed – so, why would a 24-year old girl join voluntarily?

Note: forced in to what? Is it the horror circus? “Join” seems out of place. Maybe if you say what the “in” is, you can say, “…would a 24-year-old girl volunteer to go in _____” Hook.

It’s because they didn’t know – and never could. Alicia would rather die. She looked at the troopers’ faces around her, staring impassively ahead as they took her to the sacrifices. Only one thought crossed her mind—

I wonder what monster social media voters will send in to kill me?

Note: This line is more descriptive to me! I’d leave out the “in”…just say, “…will send to kill me?” Hook.

Though she didn’t know it yet, these sacrifices were going to be the most painful, excruciating, and heartbreaking experience of Alicia’s life…

And they’ll be the thing that turns her into the hero she never thought she could be.

Note: This seems like an ending, not an opening?

(Two opening hooks here…not sure which is best to use)

What if Hunger Games was a horror movie? Or Flashing lights. A charismatic host. Now, this is what you call a sacrifice!

Note: It’s okay to mention Hunger Games because it will remind them automatically of it, so you need to distinguish your script. I don’t understand the flashing lights, host, sacrifice part of the line…it seems out of context.

After 30 years of sacrifice matches, crime has been eliminated from society. And that’s why the system was switched to social media voting. Now, the unpopular, outcasts and weirdos are on the chopping block. And that’s how Alicia found herself on the way to be sacrificed. Only one thought kept going through her head—

I wonder what monster they’ll vote in to kill me?

Note: This makes sense to me. I understand the story with this opening. I’d say, “…keeps going through her head—”

Will it be vampires? Loch ness monster? Freaking killer mermaids? Only two things were certain…they’ll be violent, and she’ll be killed. Then she thought of her son, hidden away with her abusive mother. She thought about her mother exposing the truth about him to the world….

And knew she had to find a way to get out, even if it meant everyone else dying…

Note: Again, I would change the tense, such as below:

“Then she thinks of her son, hidden away with her abusive mother. She thinks about her mother exposing the truth about him to the world…

And she knows she has to find a way to get out, even if it means killing everyone else!” This shows that SHE has to kill the others to get out.

Final Strong Hook.

I know I read scenes from your script; I think the setting is an abandoned circus. A little more description of that would add to the horror. Good job!

Thanks, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Cameron Martin

From Lisa Long

OPEN WIDE Query Letter (version 2)

· The letter flows nicely, and it wasn’t confusing. It contains just the highlights.

“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”

· Great opening! It demands that the reader listen to you…and read more. It also suggests that there is something big happening here – HOOK.

The alarm BLARES, the colonists RUN for their lives, and Sully is DESPERATE to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his nine-year-old son.

· This is effective. I would maybe add the word “space” before colonists to say that this is a space movie and not a colony on a planet. Tells us that the lead is desperate and has a horrible decision to make – HOOK.

After a year of refusing to move on from his wife’s death, Sully has forgotten how to connect with his son who has Asperger’s Syndrome.

· This sentence is slightly awkward. Maybe just: “A year after his wife’s death, Sully has…”. Or maybe Sully is “stuck in the past”. However, you are letting them know that the son has Asperger’s Syndrome…very important here. Sully can’t relate to his son – HOOK.

However, when the alarm signals the return of deadly alien parasites. Sully is forced to connect with his son after they both watch the bunker doors shut them out. Lucky for Sully, his Aspie son is obsessed with the alien parasites, and may be the only one who can help uncover their dark secret.

· Maybe remove “However,” and just start with When. Using Isaiah’s name will make him more of a real character. “Dark secret” really makes one want to know what it is! Parasites – HOOK. Locked out – HOOK. Aspie son obsessed – HOOK. Dark secret – HOOK.

Should Sully trust his developmentally challenged child in a crisis? Would you place your trust in a kid, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?

· This is it! To me, the second sentence is the most important part of the letter. Ends with a big HOOK!

In addition to winning the Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.

· Wonderfully powerful bio.

If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script, titled OPEN WIDE.

Thanks and best regards!

Cameron Martin

cameron.ross.martin@gmail.com

· Short and sweet closing.

Thanks, Cameron, for mentioning the Trailer in your introduction…that’s a great point!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Matt,

Sure do! I’ll look at yours now. I only have the 1 posted.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Cam,

Sure! I’ll review yours tonight. I only have 1 posted so far.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Travis,

I lived in Las Vegas for years. Love it there. Now I live on the East Coast.

Welcome! I’m finishing up the Pro Series now and I know you’re going to love ScreenwritingU.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Anna,

I love your query letter and story. There can’t be enough Holiday movies produced in my opinion. Good luck!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi June,

I am your audience, and I can’t wait to watch it! It’ll be sold soon. 👏

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Cameron,

I enjoyed your query letter, it’s concise and contains the best hooks! Who wouldn’t buy it?!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Dana,

Great job making your query letter super, short, and intriguing!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Thanks, June! I’ll go back and try to add a reference to the ending in my logline. I’m in the DC area, but I attended the It’s a Wonderful Life festival one year in Seneca Falls…that’s where I got the idea for the story.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hey Dev,

I hope you can get it to Spike Lee. I met him once and asked him what advice he had for a new screenwriter. He said what so many others do…be unique!

Good wishes,

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Kate,

I wasn’t able to initially post my list either. I had to copy it into Word as text, then I was able to post it.

Lisa🙂

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Michael,

I emailed Cheryl on July 5th with the same inquiry. Must be on vacation?

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hey Dana,

I think we were supposed to post our 2nd versions, etc on Assignment 7. We’ve all skipped it. And although I started using Hal’s critique formatting for Assignment 7, I noticed no one else using it, so I stopped. Oops!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Dana,

I posted my feedback for you. My VERSION TWO is around 31 on the scroll bar.

Thank you, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Dana Abbott

From Lisa Long

These are my opinions, use what you will…discard the rest. I think you have a great story. I’m interested in reading more of it. You’ve got a surprise opening, but it’s not far off from a provocative opening too.

I think the item from the Skills sheet: “Pour a unique character into the dialogue and actions.” could heightened your first ten pages. You have a unique character in Jason, but what about Ellen? Can she be more unique too?

You definitely have an event that disrupts the protagonist’s life at the end of the ten pages!

Questions:

Do I dump the opening scene and begin with Ellen receiving the bad news she’s been cancelled?

It’s up to you. I don’t think you should dump it but perhaps tighten/shorten it. Get to the BANG sooner.

Do I start the first scene with Ellen taking the call from the psychotic alter who threatens her family with a cryptic message: “It’s 9:48. Do you know where your family is?” A teaser for what’s to come?

I think showing Jason during the opening works. “Do you know where your family is?” Is too cliché a line in my opinion. I think of the old commercial “It’s 10pm, do you know where your children are?” Maybe too on the nose.

Please, give me your opinions. I would live to exchange critiques to give myself something else to think about. Thank you.

NOTES:

· What is DID?

· Is the MAN in scenes 2 and 3 the same MAN?

· Gail Simmons – she’s a judge on Bravo’s Top Chef; just wanted you to know that there’s a Gail Simmons that some people will know when they hear the name.

· Comment on the smoking on the roof scene: Back in the day, I would hang with smokers outside. I don’t think they would share a cigarette, but Claire might offer Ellen one of her own and a light. Smokers love their smokes and savor every last drag. Up to you.

· I marked words with typos in bold.

SYNPOSIS

Ellen Landry is a radio psychologist who receives a call from a previous patient suffering from DID. The psychotic alter threatens to kill Ellen’s kidnapped family if she doesn’t convince her patient to surrender control to him or one of his other identities.

FIRST TEN PAGES

FADE IN:

Over DARKNESS, we HEAR two people talking.

MAN’S VOICE

Do you know why I come here to see you, doctor?

WOMAN’S VOICE

Tell me.

MAN’S VOICE

This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.

The darkness fades to reveal DR. ELLEN LANDRY sitting in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office.

She’s a petite, winsome woman, mid-thirties with short raven hair whisking her shoulders. If not for her Valentino power suit, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.

ELLEN

What makes you feel that way?

MAN (O.S.)

Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends most of his time with the others.

ELLEN

The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?

MAN (O.S.)

My life is very crowded. He pursues a new alternative whenever he gets bored or depressed.

ELLEN

Are you engaged in a polyamorous arrangement with your partner?

MAN (O.S.)

Polyamorous. What an elegant word.

ELLEN

You’re avoiding the question.

MAN (O.S.)

You noticed.

(beat)

To be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. But they’re there, always at his ready. I feel them — like hairs on the back of my neck. A sixth sense.

ELLEN

Have you told your partner how you feel?

MAN (O.S.)

He has deaf ears.

ELLEN

You have a right to your own voice. It’s your relationship, too.

MAN (O.S.)

If it were only that simple…

ELLEN

Maybe it is. If you’re not happy, you should consider a break. Take time to decide what you want for the both of you.

MAN (O.S.)

You mean surrender?

ELLEN

A break isn’t surrender. It’s an opportunity to breathe, to take a step back and see things from the distance.

A long beat. Ellen notices his mood suddenly change.

MAN (O.S.)

They got to you, didn’t they?

ELLEN

Excuse me?

MAN (O.S.)

That’s it, isn’t it? You’re talking to them. They want me gone. This is an intervention.

ELLEN

What? No. Why would you think that?

MAN (O.S.)

I trusted you, doctor. I bore my soul to you. And you betray me?

ELLEN

Never. I’d never betray our trust.

MAN (O.S.)

They’ve heard my every thought. My secrets. And now they’re scared of me… afraid of what I might do.

Anxious, Ellen realizes she is losing control of her patient.

ELLEN

What might you do?

MAN (O.S.)

They want to disappear me. Drag me back… after I crawled my way out from that hell. And you’re helping them.

ELLEN

That isn’t true. You need to calm down.

MAN (O.S.)

Do you know how it feels to wander in the abyss? Abandoned? Lost? To hear them whisper from the shadows? Conspiring… beyond reach?

ELLEN

This is making me nervous. I think we should stop here for the day.

MAN (O.S.)

I can’t allow that. If I leave this room, they’ll win. I know that now. I’d be banished to the dark… their hands, cold on me…

ELLEN

You have to stop this now.

MAN (O.S.)

Yes… I do.

Ellen’s eyes go wild in shock as — BANG! — a small caliber pistol FIRES. The man’s body FLOPS to the floor. A beat.

We HEAR the door BURST open. A woman GASPS. “Oh, my God!” People flock into the room. VOICES — “Ellen! Oh, dear God. Ellen!” “Someone call the cops!” “Ellen? Are you hurt?” “Call the ambulance!” “Someone call the police!”

FADE TO BLACK:

SOMEONE WALKS DOWN WOODEN STAIRS. A BOLT IS PULLED BACK. A DOOR OPENS. A SHAFT OF LIGHT FROM OUTSIDE. A MAN YANKS A PULL CHAIN AND A LIGHTBULB BLINKS ON.

INT. SMALL ROOM – NIGHT

Windowless. Stone walls. Exposed pipes.

CHAINS AND SHACKLES DROP to the floor. The MAN, unseen, wraps and padlocks a chain to a heavy pipe. He wraps another and tests the lock with a tug.

He sets a portable radio on a table and extends the antenna. He tests the reception. The radio CHIRPS. Off again.

He yanks the pull chain. The LIGHTBULB blinks off. The door CLOSES. Darkness again. The bolt LOCKS into place.

INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

Dim lighting. Lots of shadows.

He flips open a laptop on a table, plugs it into a socket.

One by one, he lays cell phones out in a line. Handcuffs, duct tape, rope, a hunting knife, and a .38 special follow.

We HEAR him WALK UPSTAIRS. The lights go out. The basement door CLOSES. DARKNESS.

CUT TO:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING

A brisk day. The city is alive. We HEAR a series of NEWS UPDATES like someone flipping channels.

RADIO HOST 1 (V.O.)

…west-bound across the Bay Bridge is backed-up due to a stalled SUV in the number four lane. CHP is on scene, but expect delays…

RADIO HOST 2 (V.O.)

…won five to four from a walk-off home run by Stagnetti in the bottom of the ninth…

Closing in on a small office building with a radio tower.

RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)

…clear with a high of seventy-six and an overnight dropping into the mid-forties.

EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – EXTABLISHING – MORNING

RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)

And that’s news, traffic and weather. I’m Mike Wells, KCSF, thirteen-sixty AM, San Francisco.

Bumper music, CCR’s “Fortunate Son,” starts playing —

INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

CCR continues on the wall speaker. PETER WHITE, KCSF station manager, mid-fifties, wedding ring, heavyset, years of radio experience, turns the volume down. He wears a phone headset while talking with JERRY BURNS, his boss.

PETER

Her ratings aren’t that bad.

JERRY

They’re not that good, either. The twenty to thirty demo isn’t tuning in. And her nighttime audience didn’t follow.

PETER

Maybe another marketing campaign. Have her do some guest spots.

JERRY

Marketing isn’t the problem, Pete. And you know it. She’s just not confrontational. And radio needs conflict.

PETER

Yeah, I know… I know.

JERRY

Look, I get it. She’s your friend, and you wanted to help her, we both did, especially after what happened. But her ratings are flat. And I need to sell advertising. I can’t justify picking up her option.

PETER

No, I understand. I do.

JERRY

You’re a great station manager, Pete. But don’t let friendship cloud your judgment. It’s just business.

PETER

I’ll tell here when she gets in.

Jerry hangs up. Pete removes the headset, dejected.

EXT. PARKING LOT, KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS

An SUV bounds into the lot and zooms into a space. Ellen kicks open the door and drops out. She slings an oversized purse and computer bag and dashes to the doors, swiping at the coffee-stain map of South America on her skirt.

INT. RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

CLAIRE BARROW, fifties, is everybody’s overbearing mom — no paint, no polish. She never misses a Woodstock reunion. She’s in full mother mode when Ellen comes through the door and shuffles her through reception.

CLAIRE

Where have you been? I called you thirty minutes ago.

ELLEN

Mackenzie refused to get out of bed. Samantha forgot to do her homework. Roger’s car wouldn’t start — again…

CLAIRE

Never mind. Give me those —

She grabs Ellen’s purse and computer bag.

ELLEN

How late am I?

CLAIRE

Just hurry.

(noting the stain)

What happened there?

ELLEN

My Starbucks slipped.

CLAIRE

Well… He’s a man. He won’t care.

GAIL SIMMONS, the model receptionist, watches the twosome scurry across the lobby, shaking her head, amused.

INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

A RAP on the door, barely audible. From his desk, Peter looks up, takes a breath, releases a guilt-ridden sigh.

PETER

Shit.

EXT. STATION ROOFTOP – DAY

Claire stands near the edge smoking. She pushes out a long, steady stream like a pro.

CLAIRE

Shit.

Claire and passes her smoke to Ellen.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

New owners. They want a fast return on their investment.

Ellen takes a puff, sucking in her cheeks — total amateur. She frowns at the taste.

ELLEN

How do you smoke these?

CLAIRE

They keep my weight down.

Ellen can’t pass it back fast enough.

ELLEN

Do you think I’m hiding?

CLAIRE

Because of what happened?

(Ellen nods)

You’ll go back when you’re ready.

ELLEN

Sometimes I feel like I’m holding back. That I tell people what they want to hear to avoid the conflict.

CLAIRE

You’re a good person, Ellen. And you’re a good psychologist. You want to help people.

(beat)

But this is radio. And we’re just a bunch of cutthroat fuckers.

Claire takes another drag on her cigarette. A reflective moment, both ladies staring off into the city.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

One caller. That’s all we needed. Just one caller.

Claire flicks the cigarette off the edge.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen fidgets with her chair, adjusting the height way up. She puts on her headphones and settles in at the microphone.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Claire, headset on, gets ready — adjusting the sound board, checking the caller screen.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen’s cell phone BUZZES. The screen reads ROGER. She stares at it, reluctant to answer. Through the glass, Claire notes her reluctance.

CLAIRE

(over headset)

You’ve got three minutes.

Ellen answer the call on speaker. The sound is loud and airy, lots of road noise. Roger is almost yelling.

ELLEN

Hi, Honey.

ROGER

Hi, Babe. Hold on.

(to someone else)

Say hello to mommy.

ELLEN

Where are you guys?

ROGER

Uber.

ROGER

I called the school and told them they’d be late.

(to driver)

No. Wait. You missed the turn. We’re going to the school first.

(back to Ellen)

The girls wanted to call and find out. So? Did you get it?

Ellen falters. She looks a Claire.

ELLEN

Yeah. I got the job.

CHEERING on the other end. Ellen holds her feelings back.

ROGER

Oh, babe! That’s great! We knew you could do it. Look! Let’s celebrate tonight. How about it, girls? What should we get mommy for dinner?

ROGER

Looks like pizza, babe.

ELLEN

Pizza sounds great.

(tearing up)

I have to do my show now.

ROGER

Okay. Love you, babe. We’re proud of you. Say goodbye to mommy.

ELLEN

Love you, too. See you tonight.

The call ends. She looks to Claire, heavy-hearted.

CLAIRE

They’ll understand.

(glances the time)

Okay. Ten seconds. Here we go.

Ellen’s bumper MUSIC starts, something modern. As the music fades, we start moving to the digital clock on the wall.

ELLEN

Good morning, and welcome to the Dr. Ellen Show. We’re going to be together for the next three hours. And it looks like we have a lot to discuss today. So let’s settle in and get right to the phones…

(beat)

Hello? You’re on the air with Dr. Ellen…

The clock reads 9:06.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The clock reads 9:48.

Ellen is finishing up with her last caller.

ELLEN

— you and your husband have every right to celebrate your anniversary by yourselves, Sandy. But he needs to establish boundaries with his mother. Otherwise, she’ll be in the hot tub with you at Sandals every year.

(she kills the call)

Claire? Who’s are next caller?

CLAIRE

(through headset)

We have Jason. And he’s having difficulty with a friend.

ELLEN

Good morning, Jason. This is Dr. Ellen. Let’s talk.

JASON

(nervous)

Dr. Ellen? This is Jason…

Ellen listens, expecting more.

ELLEN

Hello, Jason. And what seems to be the problem?

JASON

Don’t you remember me? I used to be one of your patients.

The name strikes Ellen, and she freezes. She looks to Claire through the glass. Her expression tells Claire everything, and there’s an instant understanding.

JASON (CONT’D)

Dr. Ellen? Are you still there?

ELLEN

— Yes. I’m still here.

(beat)

Jason. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to continue this call. If you give my producer your number —

JASON

DON’T HANG UP!

(controlled)

Please… If you hang up, he’ll hurt them.

ELLEN

Who, Jason? Who is he going to hurt? Can you tell me?

JASON

(crying now)

Your family. He’s going to hurt your family.

Stunned, Ellen shoots disbelieving look to Claire.

ELLEN

My family? Who’s going to hurt my family? Jason?

JASON

If you don’t help me, he says he’s going to hurt one of them.

(beat)

YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!

Ellen and Claire cast disbelieving glances at each other. Before Ellen can respond.

JASON (CONT’D)

(to another person)

No! I won’t! You can’t make me! You can’t MAKE ME!

(beat)

No! No…!

A SCUFFLE. Someone fighting.

Mystified, Ellen presses the headset tight, concentrating on the sudden violence.

JASON (CONT’D)

No. NO!

The line goes dead.

REGARDS!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Michael,

I’m happy to see I’m not the only one writing a Christmas tale.

I thank you for your feedback. I will consider all of your suggestions. I’m glad you approve of my changing up the roles! I have a lot of work to do…

Regards, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Michael O’Keefe

From Lisa Long

Using the Skill Mastery sheet as a guide I see that your basic structure is solid. You’ve presented a shocking opening followed by Setup/Twist. You created story questions and the ten pages end with an event that sets the entire story in motion.

The overall feeling is that of a Hallmark movie. Now, I watch all the Hallmark movies, so I recognize your lead female character. An item on the Skill Mastery sheet says, “Do a serious think session about your lead character’s most unique traits and make sure they are in full blossom on that first page.” I know she’s not exactly on the first page, but I think you could make your female lead a bit more unique and interesting.

I recognize the snow globe on the dashboard as a nod to Home Alone!

Love the cat’s name, Scrunch, reminds me of grinch. Audience will wonder if Scrunch is Brooklyn’s cat…nice set up.

I think George NOT really being a garbage man is a strong surprise in the opening!

The line about the “blank canvas” – so on the nose and Hallmarky. But after reading the next few lines, I see why you did it. Do people speak like that though?

I only say this because I have been dinged on this several times on my pages: You have many camera directions. I have removed most of the directions I had in my script. I’ve been told that we should leave the directions to the other professionals that will work on the film. Of course, do what you think is right for your story.

I enjoyed reading your first ten pages…this is the kind of story I consume. You are a strong writer, and you absolutely can sell this. I hope to be able to read your first draft!

Regards, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Michael,

Yes, please! I’ll get to it as soon as I can. My VERSION TWO is posted.

Thanks, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Dana,

I’ve been away, so I just saw this. Yes! I will critique yours as soon as possible. My VERSION TWO is posted.

Thanks, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Kate,

I appreciate your critique! I was trying to make it more provocative by switching the leads. Let’s see if I can make it work. As you point out, I definitely need to clean up the timeline. I will use your comments to rework my set ups.

Thank you so much!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Cam,

Your feedback helps me tremendously. I get what you are saying. I re-wrote the opening scene. I’ll see if I can’t add some more descriptive wording, but here is the new 1st page after reading your critique. Much tighter, but I’ll work on it some more! Thank you so much!! Lisa

EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY

UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

CLANG! Lightening cracks!

Two soaked figures tied together are hanging by a rope off the bridge.

WOMAN

(Dressed like an angel)

I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. Ironic that he’s trying to save ME.

She looks down at the MAN.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

But how do you save a war hero who doesn’t have her wings yet?

Woman’s cell phone rings. She answers as though nothing is wrong.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

I can’t talk now, sweetie.

Stuffing the phone back into her pants the rope jerks! She looks up but can’t see through the torrential rain.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

Well, this is what I am.

She leans back letting the rain hit her.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

I’m a mother in America!

I’m trying to convince myself and everyone else that it really is a wonderful li…

SNAP! The woman and man fall out of view.

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

…iiiiiife!!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Cam Martin

From Lisa Long

INT. CLOSET

BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING.

A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH.

She dials a number on her phone…

It RINGS for an eternity.

BETH

Hello? Hello, Sully?

SULLY

(on the phone)

Beth! Where are you?

BETH

It’s in the room with me.

SULLY

What?

BETH

It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it.

Anguished pause.

BETH

Where are you? Is Isaiah with you?

SULLY

Cover your mouth with a shirt and—

BANG! The closet door holds.

BETH

Is our son with you?!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

SULLY

No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run!

BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters!

Beth presses her feet against the wall, pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door.

BETH

It’s our neighbor, Sul!

NOTES on the FIRST PAGE:

It’s a provocative opening. Your first 3 lines paint a scary picture. Anytime someone is in a closet, it is scary! The light on her face…we can see her fear! Rings for an eternity…urgency! Three more lines…It’s in the room with me…as an audience member I’m holding my breath already! Audience is questioning…how will covering her face help? Where is Isaiah?! Who is your neighbor?!! Terrific opening page with a twist at the end.

An Opinion on the value of the Inciting Incident

I feel the Inciting Incident is when Sully tries to treat the patient and is stopped. And subsequently the next scene with the Manager. A powerful scene showing that Sully is obsessed with saving people…but especially his son. What will happen?!

Overview of the rest of the 10 pages

Here are a few comments I had while reading the first ten pages:

Your character descriptions are solid. For example, between “man-child” and “making work more than love”, we know this man! Excellent.

TYPO – you should be your

SULLY

Are you shaking you head yes or no?

A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!

This will make the audience jump…what a surprise!

Tears begin to stream from his eyes as…

He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE, as though a void were resting where his wife should be.

I like this touch as it makes a hard man seem human and shows that he does care about life.

Just…tempering expectations. He’s like an albino crow, now.

Is he referring to Isaiah as an albino crow? Or the monster?

Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, a glass tank. Some THING SLITHERS, but its form remains veiled by the shadows.

Nice Set Up. Scene ends with an anticipation of what is under the bed.

Overall, your story is thoughtful and suspenseful…that is a rare combination. I found it to be unique, contains several hooks, and to quote the skills list, by the end of the first ten pages is a fully developed event that sets the entire story in motion. Excellent work. To tell you the truth, this isn’t really my genre, but I think you have got me interested in your script because of the well-drawn characters and your attention to details. I appreciate your work. This is going to sell!

Cam, please take a look at my first ten~Thanks!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Thank you, Dev for the informative and kind critique. I clearly have some work to do. And I decided last night to make a big change to the story…stay tuned.

Appreciate your feedback!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Kate Hawkes

From Lisa Long

Line by Line on the First Page

(I just wrote what I felt or interpreted for each line)

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – THAT SAME EVENING

(NOTE: “THAT SAME EVENING” – Is this correct? Isn’t this the first scene?)

A brightly painted red, white, and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.

Line 1: Nice touch with the red, white, and blue paint

Seven young people(20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

Line 2: Paints a picture of the group as a whole

Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.

Line 3: This description makes them seem like friends

Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.

Line 4: Is Shaunn also in his 20’s?

SHAUNN

Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.

Line 5: Is he in charge? What is their relationship?

He stops and leans in.

Line 6: He cares.

SHAUNN

Good girl! See? Better, right?

Line 7: He cares about her.

He steps back off the steps holding out his hand.

Line 8: Shaunn is very helpful.

A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23-year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.

Line 9: Unique description with the use of “elf” of a woman.

Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.

Line 10: I wonder if the t-shirt actually says, “Mother-f” or does it say “Motherfucker”? Or is the “fucker” part covered by the cardigan. Interesting description of your character’s appearance!

A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.

Line 11: Great description. Paints a vivid picture.

She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.

Line 12: Funny!

Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.

Line 13: Ops! She’s ill.

SHAUNN

Shit, Nia. Are you alright?

Line 14: He’s a nice guy.

NIA

Do I look alright?

Line 15: She’s really sick and cheeky.

SHAUNN

You look like crap, cute crap but crap.

Line 16: He likes her.

Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.

Line 17: Her point of view

NIA

Thank you. I’m OK. I’m Good.

Line 18: She’s not good.

Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a little, quietly. No fuss.

Line 19: Yuck!

SHAUNN

I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.

Line 20: Cute reply.

Nia nods, her head still over the towel.

Line 21: Why is she so sick?

SHAUNN

Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?

Line 22: This happens all the time?

Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.

Line 23: She gets motion sickness?

SHAUNN

That all? Seems like many more.

Line 24: How sick is she?

Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.

Line 25: Wow.

SHAUNN

That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.

Line 26: It’s not fun.

Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.

Line 27: Feeling better.

NIA

That and I’m really good on stage.

Line 28: A sickly good actress.

SHAUNN

Especially as a raccoon.

Line 29: Funny!

Nia gives him the finger.

Line 30: Cheeky.

SHAUNN

How are you doing?

Line 31: He really does care.

Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.

Line 32: Good point…recovers fast.

NIA

Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?

Line 33: She knows what to do.

SHAUNN

In my backpack.

Line 34: He’s prepared.

As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.

Line 35: What?! She hides the towel she threw up in…gross.

NIA

This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?

Line 36: Reflects her illness onto Susan.

She takes the water and tips it up.

Line 37: We know it’s motion sickness now.

Overview of opening scene along with twist at the end

Opening scene is funny, pastural, and introduces Nia and Shaunn well. I think it is a Setup/Twist Opening.

From the Skill List: ‘… your lead character’s most unique traits and make sure they are in full blossom on that first page.’ The traits from Nia I noticed were cheeky, weak, flaky, resilient. The traits from Shaunn I noticed were caring, funny, kind.

There really isn’t a twist at the end of the first page other than finding out that Nia gets motion sickness. However, the descriptions of Nia and Shaunn and their dialogue set up the following scenes.

An Opinion on the value of the Inciting Incident

I interpret:

1. TWIST – Luciana recognizing Nia.

2. TWIST – Darrogh recognizing Nia.

3. INCITING INCIDENT – Nia agrees to move in with Darrogh.

It’s hard for me to believe that Nia just takes Darrogh’s word for it…even if she’s been looking for him. That realization seems fast to me. I would expect more shock from her.

Overview of the rest of the 10 pages

Your descriptions of characters are terrific. Luciana’s description – stand out is “a flamenco-inflected voice”. Love her black Mexican Hairless dog and his name! Use of Spanish is effective even though I don’t know what she was saying. (Do you have to add English translation for producers? I don’t know)

Don’t know why Nia would think she’s going to find her father while on tour?

–“She has been half-hoping maybe one of these places will be where her long absent father is.”

Why does Darrogh have a hat on at night?

–“…is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.”

In the saloon scene, I had a hard time following the staging directions, all the couples and chairs moving around. A bit cumbersome. However, the use of Hades in this scene is very effective!

I like your use of Hooks and Twists. I think the dialogue could be punched up a little bit with a few more loaded words and images (from the skill list).

Overall, you have a provocative story with interesting characters. And that’s just the first ten pages. Can’t wait to read it all!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Dev Ross

From Lisa Long

Line by Line on the First Page

FADE IN:

EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – LATE SUMMER NIGHT

A breeze stirs the trees surrounding a modest home.

Line 1: Paints a picture.

A window in the basement leaks light from a TV.

Line 2: What’s happening in that basement?

The sound from the TV slowly DIALS UP.

Line 3: Building curiosity.

TV NEWS (O.S.)

(Marchers’ chants)

Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us!

Lines 4: Scary chants! Clearly racists.

INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT

CLAY CAINE sits in near dark watching the TV.

CLAY

Those sons of the devil.

Line 5: This guy is not one of the racists.

Sudden wind blasts slam tree branches against his home.

Line 6: Turmoil going on outside as on the tv. Repeating the scariness!

CLAY

Tools of a fool. In lock step with an idiot!

Line 7: Rising tension.

Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.

Line 8: What will happen now that all hell has broken loose?

CLAY

Aw… Jesus…

Line 9: Clay is clearly losing all hope.

Distraught, Clay drops his head into his hands.

Line 10: Clay has lost hope.

CLAY

Oh Captain, my Captain, our fearful trip is done…

Line 11: It is done.

WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force the TV blacks out. Clay sits in the dark.

CLAY

Fuck.

Line 12: All is gone.

Overview of opening scene along with twist at the end

The opening scene is a hook that makes me curious as to what this man is doing and how he is involved with the events on the tv. Why is he alone? He is on the other side of the topic, but what is he going to do about it? The topic and dialogue are very provocative! The use of the wind strongly sets up the link to climate change.

The end of the scene has me wondering where we go from here. The twist at the end seems a bit anticlimactic. What is the action that he’s going to take? Should he rush out of the room?

From the skills list: How does the event on the tv demand that the protagonist act in some way?

From the skills list, “Do a serious think session about your lead character’s most
unique traits and make sure they are in full blossom on that first page.” I’m not sure that Clay’s unique traits are shown in the first scene. Is there a way to up his reactions?

However, in the subsequent scenes, Clay’s character traits are apparent.

I’m wondering if this opening scene is the same as the last scene of the movie.

An Opinion on the value of the Inciting Incident

I saw the Inciting Incident to be Adam pushing Clay out of the way followed by the Outer Space scene. It was clever to repeat the scene with at the fair with the white group and then the black group. It makes it easier to understand what transpires with the switch.

Overview of the rest of the 10 pages

Wow! The amount of improvement to your script is incredible. And it’s only the first ten pages! You’ve done a great job adding loaded words and images to the descriptions and dialogue. What I particularly like… and I’m jealous of…is how succinct and tight you’ve kept the scenes. It is a unique story that I haven’t seen before. I believe you will sell this script. I love the ending of page ten with the black skin. A tremendous surprise!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Cam,

Thank you for the feedback! It has given me so much to think about. I was going for chaos in Mary’s life, but maybe I overdid it. I thought that the chaos is more like real life and what women often deal with…doing most everything…especially when they are single mothers. I’m not trying to re-create IAWL. But something new.

Also, I’ve been worried about lag in the story and keeping it moving. But I think your comments have me given me a reason to take a step back and streamline the story…focus the third act. I appreciate your kind and constructive words!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Matthew Frendo

Hi Matthew,

I read Cam’s critique and agree with what he said. I have read parts of your story over the weeks, and I feel Alicia is an engaging character. I like the setting and character interactions, but I too worry about the comparison to The Hunger Games. It instantly comes to mind, and I wouldn’t want your story to be set aside because of it. The concept of a group of misfits coming together is definitely a winner. Maybe there is a way to make it different enough at the beginning to bypass the comparison. I wish you success with completing the script!

Lisa

Please review mine if you have time.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Michael Katz

I concur with most of what June, Cam, Dana, and Anita said. There are huge jumps made that maybe are because we aren’t seeing the dialogue and scenes themselves.

Here are my two cents: this read as a melodrama on a big scale. Almost a comedy, ala Dr. Evil. Hope that’s not offensive.

I actually liked the beginning with the cat…a reference to Androcles and the Lion, I suppose. A sweet moment. But after reading your story, I felt an overall missing of love. And by that, I mean in CONTRAST to the horror of it all. I would have liked to see more of a contrast between Adult Waldo starting out and Adult Waldo at the end, destroying the earth. And I would like Waldo to show love to Imelyna and then spiral when she turns out to be with Derek. (Also, I don’t know how to pronounce Imelyna which is a problem for me.) Maybe add some unpredictability, coherence/incoherence, happy/sad twists, master manipulation to Waldo. All is up to you!

I think you have something here that can be marketable and a real blast to watch!!

Please review my submission if you have time.

Thanks, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Cameron Martin

Hello Cam,

I am fascinated with your story. The complex relationship between father and son, not to mention the whole snail-like alien situation. I wonder about the origin of Hegemony…it works! At the end, when they get into the cryo-sleep chamber, are they on the escape ship? It’s not quite clear. I thought maybe it was the future.

Also, I thought in another version I read that Isaiah and Sully die in the chambers? Maybe I misread that version.

It may just be me, but I don’t fully understand Markus. Is he to show good in the world…and how fragile it is…since he kills a mutineer to save himself? Your Jude character is stellar.

Overall, your movie is setup nicely for a sequel…I’d like to see what happens during the interplanetary revolution too!

I’d appreciate any feedback you can provide with my ending.

Thanks, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Kate Hawkes

Hi Kate,

(I’m a straight to the point person, so I’m not going to write a long critique. :)) You have a powerful story. Reading just your ending, the main comment I have is that I don’t think Darrogh should write the letter. It seems against his character to do that. Also, if he can’t reconcile what he’s done then it makes more sense that he would take his own life. Personally, I don’t think tying it up in that way is necessary. And with the letter from Luciana at the end, it’s messy to have the two letters, in my opinion. I agree with most of Cam’s comments on the final shots. Overall, it’s a strong movie and one that I would definitely watch!

Hi again Kate,

I re-read what I wrote above, and it wasn’t conveyed well. Please take what I wrote with a grain of salt. I apologize and want to say that I really like all 3 of your main characters, especially Nia and her arc. You have a complex and unique story that I’ve enjoyed reading. I can’t wait to see it on the big screen!

Thank you,

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Kate,

Thank you for the feedback.

Questions I have:

• Why does the town decide to help Peter financially now when they didn’t before?

Earlier in the movie we see Peter helping various townspeople. He’s born and raised in Seneca Falls, so everyone knows him and knows that he has suffered PTSD since returning from the war.

• Not sure what role Violet has play in the arc of the story -does she somehow effect Mary to be Different? What are their differences and how do they impact the story?

Violet is Mary’s sister who has always been her rival. While Mary is the steady, strong sister, Violet is the single, “player” sister who flirts with every man, including Joseph. Mary only took the organizing of the festival so that Violet wouldn’t get it.

• it is a sweet gentle film – what age group?

I’m hoping it can appeal to all.

• is there a scene between Peter and Joseph?

There is only a very brief moment between them, but I think it will help the story to show that awkward relationship and so I plan to beef that scene up.

• Is Tilly who Peter ends up with? (and who is she) Tilly is Mary’s other sister, the practical middle sister who can see all sides of a situation. Worried about Peter, she has been looking out for him. They end up together.

• Is Janie being lost a catalyst to bringing Peter and Mary together? a sort of ‘fake’ ending?

Yes. Will Peter and Mary or Josephe and Mary end up together? It’s a tease. Also, a catalyst to explain why Mary stays in town. Her daughters don’t want to leave.

I felt like I want to know more about why Mary helps Peter so much.. is there a struggle there?guilt?

Mary feels somewhat responsible for watching out for Peter for her daughter’s sake. She knows what he went through with the war. And as high school sweethearts, who grew up together, she knows him best. But it’s her struggle, to move on and finally say yes to Joseph.

It’s been a struggle for me to decide if Mary ends up with Joseph, goes back to Peter, or ends up in her own.

I still have a lot of work to do.

Appreciate your feedback!

I will read yours soon.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Anita,

Thanks so much for your feedback. The line, “You are the richest man in town” refers to the line repeated in the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life”, as well as a line in an earlier scene where Mary tells her best friend that her mom told her daughters that, “it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man, as a poor man.” It’s said sort of tongue in cheek by Mary. I need to make that more transparent.

Thanks again!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Anita Gomez:

Hi Anita,

I always like a movie that I think is over and then it surprises me! Yours does that twice at the end. I see the twists in that Cyrus is alive and Harley was going to kill Danica too…which is almost like killing Cyrus twice if Danica actually got Cyrus’s kidney. This seems like the Good Guy Wins After Pain and Risk scenario. In my opinion, I like the two added endings and would keep them. Harley saying that she would have killed Danica…that is a powerful last line! It gave me chills and I only read the ending. 🙂

Lisa

Please critique my submission, if you have the time!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Cam,

You are great at critiquing! I thank you for the kind words. And I love your suggestions for linking it all back to IAWF. I will work on Peter. The missing child is to prolong the story and give Mary and Peter a catalyst to end up together. Which I am re-working because I had Mary ending up with Joseph previously. I’ve had a change of heart because I think the audience will want Mary and Peter to reunite in the end. I wanted to avoid the fairytale ending, but I think it may be a must in this type of movie.

Again, I thank you for the thoughtful feedback. You’ve given me support and hope for the future of my story. Can’t wait to read more of yours!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hey Cam, I posted after your V2. Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for CAM

Hi Cam,

I am enjoying your story. Overall, I like that the main characters have dimension. Love the descriptions of the worms: the whole section in the first scene, from MUCUS FLOWS to The Worm Recoils Back! is stellar and very scary! JUDE reminds me of the granny from the Tweety bird cartoons. The section in scene 3 with the paint thinner is so descriptive and exciting…a great idea.

My comments, take note of what you want.

Scene 1 – From “Get behind me” to “Mucus Flows” was confusing to me. Let’s see if I can explain. The worm comes from under Isaiah’s bed. So, I guess they are in Isaiah’s room. Then the latch on the door audibly snaps. Then Sully carries his son like a football into his room. Whose room? Back into Isaiah’s or Sully’s room? Where the worm was? Or did the worm leave Isaiah’s room and go to the living room door? Then Sully kicks the door closed and they go to the foot of the bed — where the worm just came from? Then they crawl around and are behind a couch. Are they still in a bedroom?

“Two heavy bodies” Hit the Floor. I thought it was humans, not worms.

Scene 2 – (Hallways) Sully and Isaiah…to Wall to Wall. How can they shuffle against the wall to get around when the worms are wall to wall?

Jude puts her gun down. Why? She has it in the next scene.

I think you could find a stronger funny line regarding shepherd and flock. It was okay.

The worm description is terrific!

Scene 3 – (Jude’s Apt) At first, I was confused by the line, “…a chamber of clues washed away with paint”. I thought it meant that the walls were covered with graffiti. But after thinking about it I realized it probably means it was “sterile”.

Maybe it’s just me, but I had a difficult time picturing in my mind the taping of the two nailers triggers because I thought they would go off of they were taped together. And I didn’t get how the safety pins were being used.

Sully rips off the worm. Then Jude says, “Fall back or I’ll miss on purpose”. But Sully has already ripped off the worm. Wouldn’t she say this prior to Sully’s action?

“You’ll never take me alive” seems old-fashioned for a young boy. Unless it was established earlier that he likes that quote or heard someone else say it, or his mom said it, etc.

Why is Isaiah no longer afraid of them?

Is there something important in the notebook that we don’t know about?

Who does Isaiah remind Jude of?

Jude, “…these are things better left forgotten.” The worms? Her being a spy? Then why help them?

Scene 4 – (Jude’s Apt) “Yes, and your a smart thing.” Should be you’re, not your.

Scene 5 – (Living quarters) Focussed, should be Focused and “Tell me why you’re hear first”, hear should be here.

You are rocking it! A fascinating story that will be popular. Can’t wait to keep reading it.

Thanks, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Cam!

I was away for the holiday, but I would love to exchange feedback. I’ll critique yours now.

Thanks!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Anna,

Thank you for the feedback! I have 4 sisters, so I know a little bit about sister dynamics. The location of Seneca Falls, NY is real, and I have been to the “It’s a Wonderful Life” festival there. I hope you enjoy the movie. “It’s a Wonderful Life” is a movie many Americans watch every year at Christmas time. My family does.

I appreciate the kind words and you’ve given me a lot to think about to improve the scene. Thanks again!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Cam,

I welcome your thoughtful critique and thank you for the kind words about the scene. I based my Harry character on my father who after my mom died, my sisters and I found out was a bit of a scallywag. Complete surprise! I took it to the extreme with the two young ladies and maybe I’ll make the mom’s death farther in the past to make it more realistic and not alienate the “Hallmark” type audience. I’m going for a dramedy…to merge some of the “It’s a Wonderful Life” small town nostalgia and pain with the light-hearted Christmas story. I am far from meeting my goal thus far…but I’ll keep working on it.

Your critiques are helping me along and I so appreciate it!

Thank you,

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Kate,

Thanks so much for the feedback! I like your comment about using more subtext instead of being on the nose…it will work well in this scene when I redo it. I merged 3 scenes together and it’s too long, so I’ll separate out the last part. I have more work to do…thanks again!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Cameron,

The opening of the scene with the mother and child painted a grim picture. The loss of rights and not calling a gun, a gun seems relevant. The use of the 3-D printer is cool and also a sign of the times. The story Markus tells about the dream with the two brothers, made me think immediately that Markus and Apollo were brothers too. But then Markus kills Apollo and there wasn’t any acknowledgement of it, so I figured I was wrong. The tension in the scene was palpable through action and dialogue. I felt badly for all the characters. I wondered if the REAL task was to kill mutineers, not aliens. Was that the subtext? An exciting and well-paced scene!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Cameron,

Sure, I welcome your feedback. I will critique yours now.

Thanks!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Matthew Frendo

Hi Matthew,

I like how Kristen enters by sneaking up on Jocelyn. I don’t know if it was intended, but I enjoyed the infusion of humor in some of the dialogue. The repetition of you don’t have to whisper was funny to me. It’s not easy having two characters that are similar, yet different. Their individual voices were clearly heard in their dialogue. I don’t mind the dialogue regarding abortion and God and its timeliness. However, while it was clear that the characters disagree, the underneath subtext was not clear to me. But I find your story interesting and would like to read more.

If you have time, please critique my scene.

Thanks, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Dev Ross

Hi Dev,

Your scene is powerful. I could feel the tension between the characters. I thought Emma was going to kill Clay…waiting in the dark to bounce. But she did something unexpected and reverted back to a little girl. Which was unsettling, but I wasn’t sure if it was an act or not until she was outside, then I knew it was her subtext in the scene. Keep up the great work!

Please review my scene if you have time.

Thanks! Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Thank you, Cameron, for the thoughtful feedback. I appreciate it!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for DEV ROSS

Dev-

A riveting scene full of uncertainty and boldness. Additional skills from the list that are present are suspense and visual/emotional descriptions. I’m assuming that Clay is in Lincoln’s body after the shimmer…if I remember from reading earlier scenes. It is gripping and you’re building a powerful story. I can’t wait to read more.

Please feel free to critique mine too. Thank you!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Lisa Paris Long.

[Lisa Paris Long]

CRITIQUE for Cameron

I haven’t read the other scenes from you, so I’m not sure what’s happening with the entire story. But looking at the Skill Mastery Sheet, I see that you added suspense, uncertainty, visual and emotional descriptions, and were bold.

The scene started great, but the excitement went way up when Isaiah entered the room. However, I wasn’t sure what was up with him or what he was trying to do. But I figure that’s okay because I don’t know what happened prior to this scene.

I loved the description: “Because he loves making things more than making love.” I didn’t think the description of Mozart and Dr. Frankenstein worked…but I’m not sure why…just my reaction. If this is in the future, would the Manager have stacks of paper? It seemed out of place and old-fashioned. Maybe it was intentional? I loved the ending of the scene! Look forward to more…

Please feel free to critique mine too. Thanks!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Lisa Paris Long.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for ANNA HARPER – “Old Buffalo Hospital”

Thank you for your feedback, Anna!

Reading your scene for Old Buffalo Hospital and reviewing the Skill Mastery Sheet, I see clearly how you applied boldness to your dialogue, added warnings, challenge, threat, and created a reputation for your villain. Your protagonist’s hope for the future turns to fear, then back to hope when Sarah stands her ground. I could feel the tension as I read it. In the description for SARAH WARWICK, you write, “Maggie’s son is everything to her”. Just reading this scene alone, I don’t know who Maggie is. Overall, the assignment was well met, and I would like to read more! You have me intrigued.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique for Matthew’s Scene

From Lisa Long

Hi Matthew,

I haven’t critiqued your outline or scenes previously, so I don’t know the entire story, but this scene is very gripping. And it’s a kudo for you that I was able to pick the story up with this scene and get what was happening. Your descriptions were short, but effective. I was surprised by the end because I visualized a little Venus flytrap like I had as a kid…I didn’t know it was big enough to eat someone!

Using the Skill Mastery Sheet, I found several skills used: Warning, Challenge issued, Threat, Impending crisis, Fear, Hope, Vivid Visual Descriptions, Economy, and Essence.

Reading just this one scene makes me want to read the rest! I think you knocked this assignment out of the park!

If you’re so inclined to read the scene from my very different from yours Christmas script, I would appreciate the feedback!

Thank you

[Lisa Paris Long]

Critique of DEV ROSS – VERSION 3

Hi Dev,

Thanks for the review! I appreciate it.

I literally had chills by the end of your scene!! I agree with Dana that it would read a bit better if you drew out the middle section where she tells them first about the pregnancy, then that the father is black.

Now, I don’t know what you have planned, but my first thought is that maybe she gets kicked out of the house for a baby out of wedlock and then in a later scene they find out that he’s black? Or maybe mom knows he’s black, but she and Emmy are too scared to tell dad at this point and later when he finds out about the baby’s black father, he disowns the mom too because she knew and didn’t tell him. Just thinking out loud…it’s up to you, of course. 🙂

Very powerful scene and this script is on its way to glory. Can’t wait to read more!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Michael,

Your post appears to be part of the “Seducing Actors” section. But this Day 2 Assignment Forum page is part of the “Dramatic Devices” section which comes after. I believe your post is in the wrong spot. If you look to the right on the main forum page, you can see which section the assignment pages are a part of.

Thanks, Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi June,

I believe this assignment is in the wrong forum. Conflict and Tension should be in Assignment 2 forum, not 3.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Kate,

I posted a critique for your assignment, but I put it in the wrong place. It’s at the end of all the posts on the second page. Thank you!

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

FOR DEV ROSS – VERSION 2

Critique from Lisa Long

“THE BLACK AND WHITE”

OR “CANE AND ABLE”

Hi Dev,

I can see all the improvements you’ve made since the last time I read your outline. Great job! It moves along quickly and concisely. I very much enjoyed reading it.

Between Concept and the 9 Beats, I have only one comment. The Crisis: “Caine can’t accept truth about sister.” I didn’t know what this meant until I read the whole outline. You may want to briefly add what the truth is as part of the Crisis.

There are only two things that were unclear to me.

1. The switching of bodies. They go to sleep and wake up that way? And the shimmering in the sky is the magic that causes it? I’m not sure what happened.

2. In Scene 25 Emmy loses the baby and then at the end he’s alive and named Elijah. I get the twist with his name. But it leads me to ask: Is death not permanent in the shimmering world? Was scene 25 during a ripple in the time continuum? Or was it a dream? Or did it not really happen?

Overall, a tremendously strong outline/story. I can see it getting produced and enjoyed by the masses!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Dana,

This is exactly what I was missing: “Ryan is the true villain playing a sick game with Ellen, kidnapping her family and Jason to put the blame on her old patient.” Now I understand it. Just an idea: maybe you should add this to your concept?

<font face=”inherit” style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Thank you so much for your feedback!! You have touched on things I held back </font>on,<font face=”inherit” style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> or I have struggled with figuring out.</font>

<font face=”inherit”>1. I thought Santa was a “willing suspension of disbelief” character. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that </font>term.<font face=”inherit”> I think Hal used it once. I learned it by working in theater. </font>Anyway, I need to work on the relationship between Santa and Peter…maybe add a back story.

<font face=”inherit”>2. Santa cooperates because Peter pretends to have a gun and Santa is NICE.</font>

3. The bridge is a setup/payoff. Peter jumps off the bridge, but the audience doesn’t know that it was Peter until scene 26 when Mary talks about it. Mary faces her fears…one is heights…she pushes herself. It is her character.

4. The back taxes were originally child support due, but Cheryl thought it would be too upsetting for audiences. So, I’ve been struggling to figure something else out. Maybe being financially ruined and losing his business is enough. AND it plays back to It’s a Wonderful Life…breakthrough!

5. Peter’s plan with Santa is to have him go down the chimneys and steal the gifts under the trees. Peter already has a guy to fence the goods and give him the money.

I can’t thank you enough because you made me rethink things in a new way and that is invaluable!

[Lisa Paris Long]

FOR ANNA HARPER

SILENT NIGHT CRITIQUE

I like that the “hero” of your story is a dog! It’s been my experience that they are telepathic in real life, at least with their owners. And I also love a Christmas story!

For the top portion from Concept to the 9 plot structure beats:

The Concept should be one line.

The Plot Choice is Metamorphosis. But at the end after the 9 beats, you have “Maturation” there? Are you still deciding?

For Theme, you have nothing next to it.

There are a few questions about your outline as I read it:

Steve’s evil girlfriend is named Elizabeth Perkins like the famous actress. I’m wondering why? She starred in the remake of Miracle on 34^th Street…could that be why? 🙂

Why is Steve with Elizabeth if she has no redeeming qualities? Does she have Steve fooled?

Why does Steve get angry with Dylan when he speaks? I would think he’d be overjoyed that after 2 years he can talk!

Why does Dylan want a tattoo? Does Steve have tattoos? Did his mom like them or have them? Does he want a tattoo that says mom?

Why does Steve no longer plan to get rid of Alfie on New Year’s?

At the end, I’m not sure kids would discuss wanting to grow up and yet still be kids. But you could write it as subtext and then I think it would work.

Your story is kind. It has the love between a boy and a dog, a boy and his father, a boy and his deceased mom, and a boy’s journey to growth and happiness. All the elements of a winner!!

My outline is a Christmas story too. If you get the chance, I would like for you to critique it.

[Lisa Paris Long]

First Time Caller – Dana Abbott

I love how the script outline reads and is exciting throughout. The first section you posted from Concept to Plot Structure 9 points all make sense to me and is a clear story logic web. I can see how you developed the detective since the last time I read your outline…that is great! Your ability to pare down the scenes into 1 sentence is impressive to me because I struggle with that. Your setup/payoff chains and Action/Reactions are paced beautifully.

While the pace was quick, I got confused with the different personalities. Jason seems to be the good personality in scene 16, then in scene 20 you say, “Jason’s the violent personality”, and in scene 29 Jason can’t return, then in scene 37 Jason drags her husband while Ryan shoots him. Ryan is bad, but is Jason bad too?

I also had some confusion about Roger’s phone. In scene 19 – the caller is using Ellen’s husband’s phone. Then in scene 35 – the police find the husband’s phone at Uber driver’s house. But the caller is still on the phone with Ellen, so what phone is he using now?

In scene 45 – you say, “A terrible aspect appears in Ellen’s eyes”. I’m not sure what that means.

I had some confusion about Bobby, Jason, and William between scenes 49 and 51: Scene 49 – Ellen is talking to Bobby; Scene 51 – Suddenly, talking to Jason, not Bobby. And using Jason instead of Bobby to draw out William.

In the final scene 69, I don’t know if I’m missing something, but I’m not sure as to whether Ryan and Jason were two people? Or the same person? Am I supposed to wonder?

Finally, I know the point of this wasn’t to point out misspellings, but I found a few…my proofreader past is compelling me to let you know:

Concept: Missing “of” – “will kill one member her kidnapped family”

5. Mid-Point: personality is misspelled “personability”

Scene 5: Ellen should be “Ellen’s”

Scene 29: second sentence – “She keeps looking at the clock is ticking toward the next hour” Maybe

should be… keeps looking at the clock as it ticks toward the next hour.

Scene 31: “stilling” should be still.

I hope this helps you out. You have a very compelling story!

If you are so inspired, I would live you to critique my outline too…” Mary’s Christmas”.

Lisa Long

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Kate,

Same for me…I’m using my revised Necessary Questions too.

Lisa

[Lisa Paris Long]

Thank you, Dana.

At the beginning, Peter is like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life on the bridge and Mary saves him. He is already desperate when we meet him. But we will see Peter help townspeople out with various chores around their homes. The townspeople respect him and his military service. It’s the reason the town comes to his aid at the end.

Peter’s hair-brained idea is to have Santa teach him how to go down the chimneys, but Santa can’t do that, so Peter has to bring Santa along and make him go down the chimneys and steal the gifts under the trees while the townspeople are at the festival. Peter already has a mafioso-type lined up to buy what he can steal.

I’ve struggled with what to include in the one sentence structure points…there is so much to tell!

You have given me a lot to think about as I try to keep improving my outline. I appreciate your feedback.

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Dana,

Multiple personality is not an easy plot choice. But I think you have worked out most of the story well. I only have a couple of things that I’m not certain of reading your plot structure:

1. Perhaps the detective’s personality needs to come through more as the second main character?

2. Maybe Ellen becomes a success at the end despite the trauma of it all…bringing it full circle?

3. The final paragraph of the Resolution: Is the new caller the same guy with another personality and somehow, he didn’t die? Is it a copy-cat? Did the original caller use the phrase, “I’m a long-time listener and first-time caller”? So that the audience thinks, ‘here we go again’?

Overall, you have a strong story and characters. I can see it play out in my mind. Looking forward to seeing more!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Kate,

I wanted to read your structure because I’m intrigued by your concept. A daughter/father relationship can be a difficult one as they age. I could see your movie in my mind as I read your story.

You have a strong idea here. I had a bit of confusion on some of the points and had to read your structure a couple of times.

My questions are:

Why does Nia idolize her father before she meets him?

First turning point at end of Act 1: What is the consequence for the town if the offer is off the table?

Why does Darrogh blame Luciana for Nia’s mom’s death?

Isn’t Darrogh already exposed? The town knows that he cheated Luciana’s family out of their ranch. They got the letter from Darrogh saying he’s going to develop the landfill. They have been living around Darrogh in the same town for years…seems they would already know he’s a bad man. I was confused on exactly what is being exposed.

The play is a unique part of the story that can be a terrific highlight. Setting the story all in one basic location will make it desirable to producers. The strong characters will appeal to actors as well. Overall, this is a movie I would watch. Can’t wait to see how it evolves!

I hope this helps. If you don’t mind looking at my Post, I would appreciate the feedback!

[Lisa Paris Long]

I forgot to ask if you could read my post, please?

Thank you!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Dev,

I wanted to read your structure because I’m intrigued by your concept. I admit I read June’s feedback and I agree with it. So, I will concentrate on the biggest gap in the story for me which is…why the world doesn’t end at the end of the story? I’m confused as to how we get from the Climax to the Resolution. There are the climate change issues going on throughout, but what stops the end of the world? Is it merely the deaths of Caine and Lincoln?

The switch is the most interesting part of the story. What a shock for both men and those around them! It’s a big reason stars would want to play the roles. How do you play “White” in a “Black” body and vice versa? It’s a challenge to act.

You have a powerful and important story. I look forward to seeing how it evolves!

[Lisa Paris Long]

Hi Matthew,

First, thank you for recognizing that my story is a Rom-Com and for the helpful feedback! I wasn’t sure if Rom-Com would come through when reading my story information.

Second, I can see your movie in my mind when I read your plot structure. It conjured up visions of NERVE and the HUNGER GAMES. But it isn’t a copy-cat by any means.

I read both of your versions…I think one is named “The Riddle” and the other “Ascension”. I prefer “Ascension”. To me it is a cleaner version. It flows well and it makes sense.

In the plot structure for “The Riddle”, #7 Crisis: I didn’t understand why Alicia would save her wretched father, but maybe it will show in the story as you write it. I think your Resolution for “Ascension” is stronger too. Overall, I think “Ascension” is a winner!