Lora Covrett
Forum Replies Created
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What I learned from this lesson is that my character logline was more about the story than who my character is.
Original Logline: Former socialite lost her fortune and now hides in a camper in the woods behind her former home.
New character logline: Jane is a hardworking, selfish business woman who doesn’t believe in charity but now has to accept some.
EXT. WOODS – DAY
Jane steps out of a 33 foot long gulfstream that is barely visible through tree cover. She’s decked out in Louis Vuitton, hair styled and make up as she hikes through the trees to her BMW parked halfway down a gravel path.
She gets in, checks herself in the mirror and drives out to the main road.
EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO – DAY
Jane’s friend, Sally, waves her over to the table.
JANE
Sorry, I’m late. Traffic. It’s always bad.
SALLY
No worries. I ordered your usual.
JANE
My usual?
STEVEN (the waiter)
A top shelf dirty martini and the cucumber caviar? Miss Jane. (looking at mud tracked from the entrance to Jane’s feet). You’ve been a very dirty girl today.
JANE
Oh, Steven, I’m so sorry. And Sally ordered this before I got here. She didn’t know I can’t drink today. Would you mind? I’ll include it in the tip, but just take it off my bill, please.
STEVEN
I’ll leave it and bring a water. No charge. We’ve all been there. (winks)
He returns with an ice water and points a bus boy with a mop to Jane’s mud trail.
SALLY
Is everything okay? No alcohol? Are you well?
JANE
I’m fine. Just cutting back. You know, high blood pressure.
Jane takes a long sip of the martini. Thank God for vodka.
SALLY
So, Jane, do you have anything you want to tell me?
JANE
About?
SALLY
Is it going to be safe with your blood pressure?
JANE
Oh, this one drink—-
SALLY
No, I mean the…you know.
JANE
What are you talking about, Sally?
SALLY
The Harley-Davidson delivered to your house last week!
Jane chokes on her caviar.
JANE
Well, uh, I, uh…
SALLY
Brand new, snake venom paint, green powder coated wheels and an ostrich seat?!
JANE
Well, when you say it like that….
SALLY
When did you start riding? You know, when I was in my twenties, I had a bike. A Yamaha Virago. I traded my car for it. Living in Chicago, I couldn’t go without a car in the winter but I had that bike one whole summer. I never knew what lust was until I saw my first motorcycle.
Jane chokes down the rest of the martini. Steven appears with a second martini, a pat on her shoulder and a wink.
JANE
I had no idea you liked motorcycles.
SALLY
I’m envious of you, Jane. You’ve got a mansion, you sit on some of the most prestigious boards in DC and now you’ve got a fucking Harley-Davidson.
Jane coughs again.
SALLY (Con’t)
You are one bad bitch, Jane. When can I see this machine? Can I stop by tomorrow?
JANE
Hang on, hang on. How did you, uh, find out that I, uh, have this Harley-Davidson snake thingy?
SALLY
Zach’s friend Mike is the manager at the dealership. He told Zach they delivered it to your house. He did say it was in a different name though. Anything you want to tell me about that before I find out? Because I will find out.
JANE
Wait until I fill you in on the Gulfstream, girl.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that once I know my character, I know what would be funny because I know what’s “out of character” or “incongruent” for them.
Logline: Former socialite lost her fortune and now hides in a camper in the woods behind her former home.
EXT. WOODS – DAY
Jane steps out of a 33 foot long gulfstream that is barely visible through tree cover. She’s decked out in Louis Vuitton, hair styled and make up as she hikes through the trees to her BMW parked halfway down a gravel path.
She gets in, checks herself in the mirror and drives out to the main road.
EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO – DAY
Jane’s friend, Sally, waves her over to the table.
JANE
Sorry, I’m late. Traffic. It’s always bad.
SALLY
No worries. I ordered your usual.
JANE
My usual?
STEVEN (the waiter)
A top shelf dirty martini and the cucumber caviar? Miss Jane. (looking at mud tracked from the entrance to Jane’s feet). You’ve been a very dirty girl today.
JANE
Oh, Steven, I’m so sorry. And Sally ordered this before I got here. She didn’t know I can’t drink today. Would you mind? I’ll include it in the tip, but just take it off my bill, please.
STEVEN
Oh, sure thing, honey. We’ve all been there. (winks)
He returns with an ice water and points a bus boy with a mop to Jane’s mud trail.
SALLY
Is everything okay? No alcohol? Are you well?
JANE
I’m fine. Just cutting back. You know, high blood pressure.
SALLY
So, Jane, do you have anything you want to tell me?
Jane’s eyes widen.
JANE
About?
SALLY
Is it going to be safe with your blood pressure?
JANE
What are you talking about, Sally?
SALLY
The Harley-Davidson delivered to your house last week!
Jane chokes on her caviar.
JANE
Well, uh, I, uh…
SALLY
Brand new, snake venom paint, green powder coated wheels and an ostrich seat?!
JANE
Well, when you say it like that….
SALLY
When did you start riding? You know, when I was in my twenties, I had a bike. A Yamaha Virago. I traded my car for it. Living in Chicago, I couldn’t go without a car in the winter but I had that bike one whole summer. It was pure lust. I miss that bike.
Jane guzzles water. Nearly chokes again during Sally’s story.
JANE
I had no idea you liked motorcycles.
SALLY
I’m envious of you, Jane. You’ve got a mansion, you sit on some of the most prestigious boards in DC and now you’ve got a fucking Harley-Davidson.
Jane coughs again.
SALLY (Con’t)
You are one bad bitch, Jane. When can I see this machine? Can I stop by tomorrow?
JANE
Hang on, hang on. How did you, uh, find out that I, uh, have this Harley-Davidson snake thingy?
SALLY
Zach’s friend Mike is the manager at the dealership. He told Zach they delivered it to your house. He did say it was in a different name though. Anything you want to tell me about that before I find it? Because I will find out.
Jane considers coming clean but then…
JANE
I didn’t want everyone to know so I put it in the gardener’s name.
SALLY
Well, we know now. Secret’s out.
JANE
Yeah.
SALLY
I either want to see the bike or see you riding it before our next lunch. You have two weeks.
JANE
Two weeks. And then the cat will really be out of the bag, won’t it.
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What I learned doing this lesson is how to construct a comedic scene.
INT. CRAFT STORE – DAY
SHERRI(young 60’s) is filling her cart with yarn.
Close on sign: S + M Creations Yarn 50% off
CHECKOUT LINE
Sherri unloads her yarn as the cashier scans.
CASHIER
You have a big project you’re working on?
SHERRI
I just love S and M yarn. They have the best colors and it’s a really good quality yarn. I think I will start something new with those new colors.
CASHIER
(smiling) That’s great. Oh, and it’s S plus M.
SHERRI
S and M, S plus M, you know what I mean.
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
A group of motorcycle riders roar in and begin walking to the barbeque restaurant next to the craft store. As Sherri is walking out with her yarn, a beautiful Harley Davidson Freewheeler zooms past and parks next to where her car is.
SHERRI
That is just beautiful.
The fairing is painted as snake skin with snake eyes.
RIDER
Thanks.
SHERRI
The artwork is amazing. Do you have a pet snake?
RIDER
The paint is called Snake Venom so the snake design seemed appropriate.
Sherri walks around to look at the whole bike. The rear has a painting of a woman with a whip in one hand and a snake in the other.
SHERRI
Is that you?
RIDER
Yes, when I was about 30 years younger. Do you ride?
SHERRI
No, but I’ve always loved the artwork and the beauty of bikes. And trikes.
RIDER
There’s an S & M Biker rally next weekend. There will be some beautiful bikes there. You should come.
SHERRI
Oh, I just LOVE S & M.
RIDER
Well, here’s the info.
Rider hands Sherri a flyer. S & M (not with a plus sign) and whips, handcuffs adorn the sides with lists of events.
SHERRI
Will a national rep be there? Because I have some ideas.
RIDER
I think people do come from every state so yeah, I’d say it’s national.
SHERRI
I just got some good deals on S & M today but if there’s something better at this rally, then I’ll have to get it.
RIDER
So you don’t have a partner?
SHERRI
As in romantic partner?
RIDER
You go somewhere?
SHERRI
Are you…You’re very nice and I am all for love but I’m not gay.
RIDER
Being a dominatrix doesn’t make me a lesbian.
SHERRI
A whot?
RIDER
I wouldn’t make you one either. I just wondered where you go because I don’t remember seeing you before.
Lightbulb. The whips. The handcuffs. Dominatrix. S & M not with a plus sign.
SHERRI
I’m sorry. I really should be going. Your bike and your whips are lovely. Please don’t hurt me.
She runs back to her car leaving the rider looking dumbfounded
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What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that I enjoyed brainstorming for these scenarios.
Premise:
Tiny home village for senior citizens on 2 acre empty lot surrounded by farmland
Fish out of water: formerly wealthy widow lost her 10,000sqft mansion and is forced to move here
Incongruent pairing: a landlord and her former tenant now live in this village, both as renters
Hilarious purpose: a vegan attempts to cure all the ailments of the seniors with a plant-based diet from the community garden
Character: A senior lady becomes a motorcycle rider and enthusiast at the age of 60+
Fish out of water: She signs up for a biker weekend she thought was for knitting but turns out to be S & M
Incongruent pairing: She works with parade committee and will be riding to represent her church but she’s paired with the only other rider who represents atheists.
Hilarious purpose: She attempts to set a world record by forming a national MC for seniors and goes cross country recruiting riders from assisted care facilities.
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What I learned is that what makes this movie funny is the whole premise is an incongruity – Bad Moms. The “good” mom has a “break” (kicking her husband out) and turns “bad.”
There’s a long setup of
1. showing all the moms in their daily routine – focus on Amy
2. Amy’s work schedule adds to her responsibilities
3. When she catches her husband jerking off, it’s the last straw and she’s about to “break bad”
Setup for this movie is the scene at school – establishes the moms and their roles and the emphasis on food and nutrition. Then Amy’s employer and fellow employees use Amy and overwork her. Then her husband is caught and she throws him out.
The payoff is several scenes that follow where she first stands up to Gwendolyn and says “No” to the ridiculous food rules at school. After the “No” and the night out with 2 other moms, she becomes more like Carla, the mom they all hated in the first scene.
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Hi. My name is Lora. I’m not sure of how many scripts I have written. I wrote a satire short story that got some great feedback and was actually very easy to write so I wanted to learn more about comedy screenwriting. I don’t think of myself as a comedy writer but maybe it is a skill I can learn. That’s the goal. 🙂