Lora Sester
Forum Replies Created
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Lora’s perfect word smithing.
I read my script backwards and found two spelling errors. I think that I got cross eyed though and it may not be perfect but it’s much closer. If anyone wants to exchange completed drafts please email me: lvkeleher@gmail.com
Best,
Lora
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Lora’s Precise Description
I focused not just on descriptions but also slug lines because I was told in contest feedback that I was missing several. I feel like I worked through everything and could work through it again! This is where I get stuck in endless cycles of polishing. I ended up adding two packages because of how much space the slug lines took up – I could still be missing some but I learned that I need feedback or I get so thick in the weeds that I end up going in circles.
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Lora’s Key Scene Improvements
I went through my key scenes and they all work on a fundamental level. I punched them up a bit but like where they’re at for the most part. I learned that I need to really make the midpoint sparkle.
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Lora’s Character Intros/Exits
Steven
Beginning: Steven’s singing to a sold out crowd in a concert hall. His daughter has a panic attack and he uses magic to quickly extrapolate them from the situation.
Ending: Steven eats steak with Lisette and Kismet
New Beginning: Steven headlines a packed, outdoor concert venue. After calling his daughter onstage, she has a panic attack and he uses magic to quickly extrapolate them from the situation.
New Ending: Steven makes it back home to his palatial mansion. “Feels marvelous to be back.” Then eats steak.
Lisette
Beginning: Lisette kind of has two intros. There’s the one where she’s 9 and welcomed on stage and has a panic attack. Then there’s the one where she’s 15 and beats up a bully who was teasing her.
Ending: Lisette eats her favorite meal with her two favorite people, Kismet and Steven.
New Beginning: kept the same
New Ending: tweaked Lisette’s final monologue. “I’m honored and grateful to be here eating my favorite meal with my favorite peeps. It’s illuminating to realize that you’re never truly far from those you love.”
Kelly
Beginning “KELLY ANDERSON, (45), blonde and overly cheerful, waves a gloved hand at Lisette.” She then meets Lisette and provides a wing Chun demonstration for her.
Ending: Kelly and Lisette say a heartfelt goodbye. “Thanks for being you”
New Beginning: KELLY ANDERSON, (45), shakes her perfectly groomed blonde mane with a graceful toss. She smiles as she precisely waves a gloved hand at Lisette. They discuss Lisette’s fostering and Kelly provides a Wing Chun demonstration.
New Ending: kept the same – it concludes their arc
Greg:
Beginning: Her husband GREGORY ANDERSON, (46), thinning dark hair, resigned expression, musters a weak smile. Clearly, Kelly calls the shots.
Ending: He silently exits after Kelly tells him to.
New Beginning: GREG ANDERSON,(46),formerly handsome, resigned to the life of a middle manager and his wife’s patsy, musters a weak smile.
New Ending: reinforces that he got Lisette to leave. “Three minutes is all you’re getting.” He silently exits while checking his watch.
Dwyvel
Beginning: Introduced in Steven’s Voice over as a hero riding an albino dragon and fighting for the good guys. Then it’s explained how he turned on the other heroes.
Ending: Shrunk into a miniature dragon with the deflection of his own spell and tied up
New Beginning: kept the same
New Ending: Shrunk into a miniature dragon with the deflection of his own spell and trapped in a glass bottle
Kismet
Beginning: KISMET (1,726, about 15 in human years), a particularly striking dragon with warm, honey colored scales and emerald green eyes spots her and dives out of the sky landing next to her. He stands over her prone body and licks her until she rolls over.
Ending : Morphs into a human boy, goes home with Lisette and Steven; eats steak
New Beginning: KISMET (1,726, about 15 in human years), a small but regal dragon with warm, honey colored scales and emerald green eyes spots her as he’s practicing a spell to bring a nearby tree to life. He pauses and saunters over to her prone body and licks her until she rolls over.
New Ending: kept the same
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Lora’s Scene Ratings
Isolating the dialogue from one character at a time is really helpful. I’m not quite sure what to post since I changed pretty much every line of dialogue in the script. I didn’t track the before and after but I feel like the characters sound more distinct now. I still feel as though the phrasing is too similar between some of the characters but it’s definitely improved.
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Lora’s Meaningful Action
Since my script has a lot of physical action – magic, a car chase, torture, fights, etc there’s a lot visually compelling action. I noodled around with a bunch of scenes, spelling out the acton but I don’t think my script required much on this front. I learned that writing the meaning and then ensuring that the scene carried out that meaning helped my scenes.
Scene 1
Meaning: Establishing Steven’s a famous k-pop singer and that Lisette panics.
Action: Stephen headlines a show; Lisette has a panic attack.
Scene 36.
Meaning: Kelly’s trying to establish a relationship with Lisette as they walk to the bus, but Lisette wants nothing to do with her.
Action: Lisette walk apart from her and wears headphones
Scene 51.
Kelly cooks and they argue about Lisette. Greg Wants her gone but Kelly’s adamant she stays.
Action: Kelly cooks and Greg helps her cook showing that he does contribute.
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Lora’s Elevated Scene Structures
Simply mapping out my scenes and writing down what it was trying to accomplish really helped me. From there, I was able to rewrite scenes accomplishing the same goal but with a stronger structure or components. I didn’t include my whole scenes in here but I worked them.
Scene 1:
The scene introduces Steven and his daughter Lisette, the protagonist. It also introduces the existence of magic, his occupation and lifestyle, and the frail side of Lisette.
Beginning Steven sings to the crowd
Middle Steven introduces Lisette and she has a panic attack
End Steven uses magic to escort his daughter to safety.
Scene 5:
Steven’s filling out paperwork at the station
Blond men rush the station
Steven and Lisette escape.
Rewrite to crucible
Blond men surround the station
Steven and Lisette are inside with the officers as the station is rushed
Steven and Lisette escape!
Scene 30
They arrive home
They chat
Kelly shows Lisette upstairs
Rewrite to competitive agendas – spice up dialogue
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Lisette gets pulled to Dracania
Kismet and Lisette practice magic and she spies on her dad
Lisette goes home
Rewrote scene to make clearer sense
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Lisette prepares herself for a difficult conversation
Right after she apologizes they’re attacked
They defeat Dwyvel’s men but Kelly and Greg decide to no longer keep her.
Changed it so the apology is stronger.
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I have never read my script backwards before and I learned a lot doing that. Scenes where not much happened I gave a “1” but now I’m wondering if this is accurate because those scenes were all primarily setups and created anticipation. I purposefully tried to rate scenes low but there were some 10s which surprised me. I feel like many of my scenes are missing arcs but I have no idea how to fix that.
99. 3
98. 8
97. 9
96. 10
95. 1
94. 4
93. 7
92. 8
91. 5
90. 9
89. 1
88. 8
87. 6
86. 4
85. 7
84. 9
83. 6
82. 2
81. 9
80. 6
79. 10
78. 7
77. 8
76. 10
75. 4
74. 4
73. 5
72. 4
71. 3
70. 8
69. 3
68. 2
67. 1
66. 6
65. 9
64. 8
63. 3
62. 1
61. 7
60. 6
59. 5
58. 9
57. 7
56. 6
55. 5
54.1
53. 6
52. 2
51. 2
50. 3
49. 7
48. 4
47. 2
46. 6
45. 9
44. 6
43. 8
42. 10
41. 4
40. 7
39. 3
38. 7
37. 4
36. 6
35. 3
34. 6
33. 1
32. 3
31. 7
30. 6
29. 1
28. 6
27. 7
26. 10
25. 10
24. 7
23. 7
22. 7
21. 9
20. 7
19. 6
18. 10
17. 10
16. 4
15. 8
14. 2
13. 5
12. 4
11. 10
10. 9
9. 9
8. 9
7. 9
6. 3
5. 8
4. 6
3. 4
2. 1
1. 10
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Hi Everyone! I got honest feedback from three people (thank you so much!) so am moving onto the next part but I wanted to mention that I’d be more than happy to exchange scripts with anyone who wants to at the end of the class. 🙂
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Lora’s outline to script!
I learned that I can rewrite which I had doubts about.
I tweaked almost the whole script to match the reordering of scenes that I did. Lost count of the number of scened I changed.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Lora Sester.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Lora Sester.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by
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Lora’s Outline Exchange
Looking for a second outline exchange. Have no bias against any kind of script. My outline is 6 pages. Fantasy script that also touches on racism.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Lora Sester.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by
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Lora’s Fascinating Scene Outlines!
I learned that I can write my outline with scenes having a beginning middle and end rather than just as a description of what happens. It works better for some scenes than others. I also reordered my scenes more to help them progress in a stronger way.
Luckily, interest techniques were built into the majority of my scenes so I just needed to strengthen / clarify this in my outline or add elements that raised the stakes / tension, such as misinterpretations, internal dilemmas, reveals, etc.
One thing I added was a racial incident while out shopping, in another I clarified Lisette’s fear of heights so when she had to face this fear, it became a bigger deal. I also did restructuring so that two similar scenes were no longer back to back.
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Lora Elevates Lead Characters!
This was really challenging partly because I wasn’t sure if we were supposed to just plan out our changes or actually make them to our scripts. I feel like my antagonist and protagonist are strong but the other characters need more dimensionality and depth.
Kelly and Greg are too generic / one note. I think it’s ok that Greg is unlikable but he needs depth / a reason to be this way. I think Kelly is too nice / likable.
I’m going to give Greg a sense of humor and a nice gun collection. (I guess I have to figure out how to make something funny, lol) I think Kelly needs to have major attachment issues that come through in a push/pull type relationship with Lisette.
Steven also lacks a lot to depth – he is simply a good person and father. I think I have to give him an axe to grind regarding racism as an Asian man with a white looking, half-Asian daughter.
As far as Kismet, I’ve gotten feedback that he I written as too young a character. He is very good hearted but perhaps if he had a mischievous side he would have more dimension…
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Lora Solves Major Problems!
I learned that sometimes what you believe to be the big issues are actually not and that unaddressed areas are where the problems lie.
At first I was going to update the transformational journey and conflict but I realized that the transformational journey was improved a lot in lessons 2 and 3. The conflict issues are more on the scened level I think, rather than the story level because conflict is baked into the structure. After listening to the week 4 video about characters talking to each other, I realized the opening is really my problem. I changed the opening from the tale of the jewel told as a bedtime story to a crowded K-pop concert where magic is first used. Then after they are in danger the story of the jewel is told and the jewel is given to Lisette to safeguard her.
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Lora’s Outline Improvements
What I learned doing this assignment is that I can really strengthen my script by updating my outline before tackling the script itself. With a bird’s eye view, it’s much easier to reorder scenes and sequences and flesh out characters.
The changes I made include making it Gregs idea to adopt Lisette to make Kelly happy, having Lisette showcase her martial arts prowess earlier in the script, having the script build more and integrate the real world with the fantasy world. The challenge is going to be baking all these changes in.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Lora Sester.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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This was the hardest assignment yet for this class. I was challenged to think about my characters in a completely new way and I’m not sure if I completely succeeded in filling out the beats properly. I leaned that I can add more dimension by creating arcs for all my characters, not just the protagonist and antagonist.
Lisette Kim
Beginning: Lisette starts as an innocent child living with her father, Steven.
Inciting Incident: Lisette’s left with Steven’s friend but ends up in an orphanage and adopted out.
Turning Point: Lisette travels to the magical world of Dracania and meets Kismet
Midpoint: Lisette discovers her father is being held captive by Dwyvel
Turning Point 2: Lisette works to master magic so she can rescue her father
Dilemma: Must steal a dragon scale from Kismet or her father will remain imprisoned
Major Conflict: Epic battle with Dwyvel for the fate of her father and the dragons
Ending: Lisette rescues her father and the dragons and returns home
Steven Kim
Beginning: Pop singer and single dad whose daughter means everything
Inciting Incident: Threatened by Dwyvel’s men, Steven makes the difficult choice of hiding Lisette with a friend but the friend betrays him and puts Lisette in an orphanage.
Turning Point: He’s captured by Dwyvel’s men.
Midpoint: He feels like a failure as Lisette watches him get tortured
Turning Point 2: He believes Lisette has given up Kismet in exchange for his life – he is afraid she is in grave danger now
Dilemma: Does he keep trying to escape when he believes escaping would put Lisette in greater danger?
Major Conflict: He battles against Dwyvel’s men during Lisette’s daring rescue.
Ending: He makes it home with Lisette.
Kelly Anderson
Beginning: Former foster youth looking to make a difference
Inciting Incident: Foster Lisette
Turning Point: After returning from the mall with Lisette, she argues with Greg about keeping her
Midpoint: Discovers Lisette’s been sneaking out
Turning Point 2: They’re attacked by men after Lisette
Dilemma: Should she side with her husband or Lisette?
Major Conflict: Fight with Greg over whether Lisette stays
Ending: She and Lisette thank each other for the difference they made in each other’s lives
Greg Anderson
Beginning: Husband who suggests adopting a child as a way to satisfy his wife
Inciting Incident: Foster Lisette
Turning Point: Lisette talks back and it angers him she isn’t sufficiently grateful
Midpoint: Argues with Kelly about keeping Lisette
Turning Point 2: Believes Lisette is on drugs but Kelly doesn’t and they fight over this.
Dilemma: Should he kick Lisette out and upset his wife?
Major Conflict: Fight with Kelly over whether Lisette stays.
Ending: Gets his way and returns Lisette to the orphanage
Dwyvel Elliot
Beginning: Helps save the dragons with Lisette’s grandfather
Inciting Incident: Believes that he got shafted when the dragons gave out gifts
Turning Point: Attacks Gerwyn and steals his dragon gift
Midpoint: Discovers he can profit off the dragons by selling their scales
Turning Point 2: Amasses an army to steal the blue gem
Dilemma: How should he plan to steal the gem?
Major Conflict: Epic battle with Lisette over the fate of Steven and the dragons
Ending: defeated, turned into a tiny dragon, and captured in a miniature bottle
Kismet
Beginning: Carefree, innocent, young dragon who enjoys practicing magic
Inciting Incident: He meets Lisette after she is thrust through a magical portal
Turning Point: He decides to teach Lisette magic
Midpoint: He agrees to fight Dwyvel with Lisette.
Turning Point 2: Lisette injures him and steals his scale
Dilemma: Should he stay friends with Lisette after she hurt him?
Major Conflict: Joins the epic battle against Dwyvel during which he fights for his freedom.
Ending: He shape shifts into a human boy and joins Lisette and her father for dinner
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Lora’s Character Profiles
What I learned doing this assignment is that there is more to my characters than I thought. Many of my characters appeared “one note” and this exercise helped me give them some dimensionality.
A. Name: Lisette Kim
B. Role in the Story: Lisette is the protagonist who must defeat Dwyvel and rescue her father, Kismet, and dragons from him.
C. Core Traits: surly, stubborn, martial artist (loves a good physical fight), honest, punk rock, insightful, brave
D. Motivation: Want/Need: want: to be reunited with her biological father Need: to be loved
E. Flaw/Wound: Flaw: feels worthless and abandoned wound: her father left her and she feels like it was her fault
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: secret: she portrays herself as tough and surly but on the inside she is in pain and hurting hidden agenda: hurt her father because he hurt her.
G. Internal Dilemma: she wants to free her father but what will she sacrifice to do so
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? Her determination and stubbornness combined with her martial arts abilities make her an ideal person to stand up to Dwyvel and his minions.
A. Name: Steven Kim
B. Role in the Story: Lisette’s father and role model
C. Core Traits: successful, proud, loving, charming, stubborn
D. Motivation: Want/Need: Want: to keep Lisette safe Need: To prove to himself that he’s a good father
E. Flaw/Wound: Flaw: he doesn’t typically accept help from others, he wants to be the rescuer not the rescued; wound: he feels he has to prove himself to be as good as a caucasian person because of racism he faced
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: secret: he is devoted to his career; hidden agenda: he wants to take down Dwyvel himself.
G. Internal Dilemma: he wants to be a good father and he feels he must give up his daughter to keep her safe
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? His desire to keep his daughter safe by leaving her and his strong sense of family make him the perfect character for the role.
A. Name: Kelly Anderson
B. Role in the Story: Lisette’s foster mom.
C. Core Traits: type A personality, desire to succeed, controlling, generous
D. Motivation: Want/Need: want: to be a good mom to Lisette need: to prove that she can be a good parent to a foster child
E. Flaw/Wound: flaw: she doesn’t see that it takes both parents on board to successfully raise a child; wound: as a former foster child, she wants to show love to a foster child of her own
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: secret: she hides her doubts about the strength of her marriage; hidden agenda: she wants to force Greg into sharing her point of view
G. Internal Dilemma: She wants to be both a good mom to Lisette and a good wife to Greg
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? She tries so hard to be there for everyone that she can’t see that things around her are falling apart.
A. Name: Gregory Anderson
B. Role in the Story: Lisette’s foster father
C. Core Traits: suspicious; dislikes change, conventional, well-mannered
D. Motivation: Want/Need: want: for Kelly to be happy need: to keep himself happy
E. Flaw/Wound: flaw: he has a hard time seeing things from other people’s point of view; wound: he was a neglected child and doesn’t believe in spoiling or fawning over children.
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: secret: he cares about whether Lisette likes him but pretends he doesn’t; hidden agenda; he wants Kelly to pay more attention to him than Lisette.
G. Internal Dilemma: He wants to keep Kelly happy but he also doesn’t think he wants Lisette around
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? He and Kelly balance each other out and his dislike of Lisette causes ripples.
A. Name: Dwyvel Elliot
B. Role in the Story: Antagonist and villain
C. Core Traits: money obsessed; cruel; pragmatic; spell caster; jealous
D. Motivation: Want/Need: Wants: to be the richest man in the universe need: to prove that he is as worthy and deserving as anyone else.
E. Flaw/Wound: flaw: He thinks he is more important than he actually is. Wound: he was unloved as a child
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: secret: he cares about looking like a good, reasonable guy; hidden agenda – he wants to prove that love only causes heartache and punish others for having an sort of loving tendencies.
G. Internal Dilemma: he wants to look like a good guy while doing terrible things to others.
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? He is the perfect villain to show that family and love are more important than power and money.
A. Name: Kismet (the dragon)
B. Role in the Story: he becomes Lisette’s best friend teacher and confidant
C. Core Traits: loving, curious, silly, magical, kind
D. Motivation: Want/Need: want: to have friends to play with need: to be able to positively influence other’s lives
E. Flaw/Wound: flaw: wound: he sees the best in others, even when they don’t deserve it. Wound: none
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: secret: he trained Lisette’s father too; hidden agenda: to bring out the best part of everyone, even when they refuse to show it.
G. Internal Dilemma: he wants friends, but he also wants everyone to play by the rules and get along.
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? His innocence is the perfect match for Lisette’s surliness; his purity of heart contrasts with everyone else in the story
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Lora Sester.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is that I need to escalate the action at a more natural but faster pace. This rising tension is what is going to keep audiences in their seats. Also, I realized that my script has strong social commentary and that I need to do a better job highlighting the differences between the protagonist’s and antagonist’s values.
Title: The World Bender
Concept: After a recently fostered teenager is given magical powers, she embarks on an epic quest to rescue her biological father and save the dragon race from a cruel business mogul who captured them using spells for his financial benefit.
Genre: Fantasy / Sci-Fi
Sci Fi Conventions
PURPOSE: To explore the implications of technological change, alternative worlds, and/or probable futures that could come from the changes in science. To cause us to think outside of our own world.
Demand for Action: When Lisette discovers that her father hadn’t abandoned her but instead was trying to protect her, she realizes that she must now save him.
Mission: Lisette’s mission is to save her father and the dragons from Dwyvel who is holding them hostage as slaves because they all bring him profit. They are hostages on another planet that is vastly different than earth.
Escalating Action: At first Lisette tries to forget her father but she is forced to remember him when she’s dragged into another world by a magical jewel he gave her. There she starts developing her magical powers and discovers that he’s actually being held prisoner by Dwyvel and that’s why her father hasn’t returned. Now, her mission is to rescue him. She betrays her newfound dragon friend in an attempt to do so, and, consumed by guilt, she decides she must rescue all the creatures Dwyvel has hostage, not just her father.
Hero: The hero, Lisette, is deeply devoted to her family and this devotion is at odds with the antagonist’s valuing of money over all else. For the hero, family is more important than money.
Antagonist: The antagonist, Dwyvel, embodies the negative aspects of a strongly capitalist society when money becomes more important than lives.
Act 1:
Opening – the story of the magical jewel told to Lisette as a child. This is how Lisette learns that magic is real (in this fantasy world) and about the existence of Dwyvel, the antagonist.Inciting Incident – Lisette ends up with a family friend and later an orphanage because her father wants to protect her from Dwyvel and his henchmen. Lisette’s shown her father’s values that family is very important and that you should do anything for them, even if it hurts you personally.
Turning Point – Lisette’s jewel creates a portal to the magical land of Dracania. This particular planet is gorgeous with breathtaking visuals that instantly set it apart from earth.
Act 2:
New plan – Lisette’s new plan is to learn magic to find out what happened to her father.Plan in action – Lisette studies magic under the tutelage of a dragon named Kismet.
Midpoint Turning Point – Lisette sees her father tortured – now she knows that he needs her help.
Act 3:
Rethink everything. Lisette wants to rescue her father and defeat Dwyvel.New plan. Lisette is going to bring Dwyvel a dragon scale so he’ll release her father. To do this, she betrays her newfound friend Kismet.
Turning Point: The dragons and Lisette’s foster family have all abandoned her. She is by herself with no hope.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate Expression Of The Conflict: Physical Battle between Lisette and Dwyvel using a special mix of magic and martial arts. Another opportunity for breathtaking visuals.Resolution: Lisette defeats Dwyvel and frees her father and the dragons. She and her father return home with Kismet who has shape-shifted into a human boy.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Lora Sester.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Lora Sester.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Lora’s 4 Act Structure
What I learned doing this assignment is…? I think my acts II and III could be more exciting.
List the beats of your 4 Act Transformational Structure.
1. Give us the following:
Title: The World BenderGenre: Fantasy / Sci-Fi
Concept: After a recently fostered teenager is given magical powers, she embarks on an epic quest to rescue her biological father and save the dragon race from a cruel business mogul who captured them using spells for his financial benefit.
Main Conflict: Lisette must battle Dwyvel to get her father back and save the dragons
2. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.
Act 1:
Opening – the story of the jewel told to Lisette as a child.
Inciting Incident – Lisette ends up in an orphanage.
Turning Point – Lisette end up in Dracania.Act 2:
New plan – Lisette’s plan is to find her father and to learn magic to do so.
Plan in action – Lisette studies magic
Midpoint Turning Point – Lisette sees her father torturedAct 3:
Rethink everything. Lisette wants to rescue her father and defeat Dwyvel.
New plan. Lisette is going to bring Dwyvel a dragon scale so he’ll release her father.
Turning Point: The dragons and Lisette’s foster family have all abandoned her. She is by herself with no hope.Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate Expression Of The Conflict: Physical Battle between Lisette and Dwyvel using a special mix of magic and martial arts.
Resolution: Lisette defeats Dwyvel and frees her father and the dragons. She and her father return home with Kismet who has shape-shifted into a human boy.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Lora Sester.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Lora Keleher’s Project Pitch
I learned also learned that a script can have four acts instead of three. Also, outlining showed me that my story is thin and repetitive in certain places.
A. Fantasy / Sci-Fi
B. Title: The World Bender
C. High Concept: After a recently fostered teenager is given magical powers, she embarks on an epic quest to rescue her biological father and save the dragon race from a cruel business mogul who captured them using spells for his financial benefit.
D. Main Conflict: Lisette must battle Dwyvel (the businessman) to get her father back and save the dragons
E. Transformational Journey: Lisette’s quest to find and rescue her father while growing into her own magical powers and learning the real reason he abandoned her.
F. Opposition: Lisette’s opposition is her foster family, herself and her insecurities, and Dwyvel. -
Lora V. Keleher Sester
“I agree to the terms of this release form.”
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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1. Name? Lora V. Keleher Sester
2. How many scripts you’ve written? At least 5 feature scripts.
3. What you hope to get out of the class? I’ve never done an actual rewrite, just polishes. Looking to learn a process for rewriting.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I’m a Korean adoptee and I wrote a memoir about it.
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I like your revision!
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That’s a great metaphor!
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Sure! Lvkeleher@gmail.com
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I like the way you improved your scene. It was strong to begin with and you strengthened it more. I like how unique the character’s dialogue is.
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I emailed you 🙂
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I feel you. I think the outline magnifies story problems and you didn’t have a lot of those. I think some writers have a harder time with structure and others are more natural at it. I’m just now adding my changes to my script and it’s a lot of work!
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I can’t either! Email me at lvkeleher@gmail.com and I’ll reply with my outline 🙂
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I’ll partner with you. As long as you like fantasy stories with dragons.
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I like the idea of a false ally!
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I like how you went through your scenes even though they were strong.
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awesome!
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I think it’s fantastic how thinking about your characters strengthened your inciting incident! Way to go!
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I like your changes – very nuanced
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Your additions are definitely colorful and add dimensionality!
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I like this difficulty with long-term relationships.
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I’m really intrigued about experiencing segregation as a white person…
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I also have a tendency to write passive characters and I think it’s because I don’t like bad things happening to my characters but active characters naturally create conflict and then things inevitably happen to them. Maybe this is at the root of your character issues too.
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I have the same issue! I hate putting people I like in though situations lol
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I like that your ending is more intense now.
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I don’t think mystery and conflict are always the same thing. I think the mystery can cause conflict though.
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I like that you made your protagonist have stronger convictions.
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You noticed! The power now occurs before the explanation
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Great insights into your script!
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I had a hard time following your changes.
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I love your new opening! Much more interesting.
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I like the creepiness and depth of you added here.
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I’d like to see this formatted for readability and have the characters fleshed out more… right now they are lacking dimension.
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I like how quirky and fleshed out your characters are.
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What trait in Clytemnestra makes her change her mind and decide to rescue instead of kill Azuri?
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I like how you added improvements below each profile!
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I like the addition of Jessica’s hidden agenda!
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I like the second option but I’m a sucker for happy, closed endings. I think the first one detracts from the main story. I’m open to the third ending too.
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I really like how succinct and clear your writing is. Seeing other peoples’s dying thoughts is very compelling
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I love everything in he outline except how they meet. The elevator seems a bit cliche and I would love to see them meet somewhere that plays into the main conflict of the story.
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Can you format this for legibility?
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I can see your story clearly and it’s quite strong! I love this – “What I learned with this exercise is that I can try a new idea one day if I’m bored with the situation and then if I read it the next day, I’ll know if it works or not.” I need to practice this.
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This is incredibly complex and thought out. There are so many beats here and it all comes together nicely. Curious how long your script is.
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I like your breakdowns but I’m curious how things happening to Colette are the major turning points for other characters – what I mean is how do the events happening to Colette transform heir lives too.
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I like the love triangle you’ve created and the depth the past lives gives to your characters. It’s sad when soulmates don’t end up together but I like that having known each other strengthens and changes them.
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Your characters are really well fleshed out and I like all the nuances they have.
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I think (and this is just a guess) most younger people would be unfamiliar with the history you’re presenting. If the story is compelling and it’s clear that your protagonist affects it I don’t think it matters. I personally love your idea!
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That’s awesome! 🙂
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This is interesting. What do <font face=”inherit”>Azuri and the entity have in common? You’ve piqued my </font>curiosity.
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I like your outline and think you have an interesting story. It is a bit hard to follow in its current format.
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The history in here is fascinating. I love the message and the story. What are you doing to make the historical events easy to follow for someone unfamiliar without having to explain everything and potentially bore the audience with too much expository talking?
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I can see your arcs and there’s a lot of depth here. I’m wondering why anyone would be against counseling for abused women – it seems like a basic service.
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I like the combination of a heist/love story with high stakes!
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I’m intrigued by how she is reliving the dying moments of children around the world and how it relates to the entity. I like how she wants to be haunted then realizes she doesn’t after it actually happens but I’m also not sure if this is a very profound transformation.
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There’s a lot of depth to your characters. I love it. Also “What I learned through this exercise is that most of my characters are looking for love and acceptance in different forms.” this is profound
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I love how Elizabeth is Selma’s first client. Is Elizabeth really the antagonist? or are there two protagonists? Also, it seems weird Elizabeth has no wound.
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I like how dimensional and complex your characters are. They are really well thought out.
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I like how distinct your characters are from each other. One thing – I think the want and the need are supposed to be different to create tension. (That’s my interpretation and I could be wrong, lol)
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I like the way you noted how characters act differently when around different people – this adds a really strong dimension to them.
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thanks!
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You have taken such simple events and created a beautiful strong character arc… marvelous!
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I love how Victoria finds herself and her strength at the end but up until this point she seems passive like stuff just happens to her. It would be really awesome if she gradually became stronger throughout each event.
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I think it’s like a friend on Facebook kind of thing
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When you say brainwash, I think of the movie Oldboy where someone was hypnotized into actions they would never normally perform. So the question I have is is she actually brainwashed? or is she psychologically manipulated or abused?
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The parts in bold / italics definitely add emotional depth to the script. I liked your pitch for it today too.
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I like “Love and Toys”
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I like the having to overcome their pasts and her having been a sex worker – it’s not something I’ve seen before.
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Your concept is so powerful. I’m a little confused as to how you’re going to show that this was what could have been in the beginning and why the transition to the alternate plot line occurs at the point when it does.
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This is so much stronger and more sinister.
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I like how you integrated horror conventions in here and how it ends on a cliffhanger. I don’t see the comedy yet but I’m sure that’ll come soon.
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I am very curious about your story and would like to know more. What prompts Elizabeth into counseling? Where is the husband in acts 1-3?
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I really appreciate how strong and clear your arc is and how much you learned from this exercise.
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I really like how concrete your plot points are. The ending is also interesting. The only thing I wonder about is the past lives in Nazi Germany – people who have lived through such a trauma might be concerned that someone is claiming this as their own story who hasn’t lived through it in this life.
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Thanks!
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I really like the transformational journey you presented but it’s a little tough for me to see the arc in your outline.
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Your idea is very creative!
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This is an absolutely fascinating story. I am still a little confused how his death changed so much but I’m interested enough to want to see it play out.
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This is an interesting story and I hadn’t originally realized it was a TV show. I’m confused about both Raymond and Kinsley being killers and how it was discovered. The twist is fantastic!
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Live action.
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I like how thorough and thought out your concepts are. I can see your movie coming to life!
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This pitch is fascinating. So, essentially the premise is that if one man had lived history would have been completely rewritten? – Love it.
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I’m also fascinated by past lives and this sounds like an intriguing love story. Does she actually go through time or is this a metaphorical search?
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Such a unique premise. And “mom” fight is definitely a better title. This pitch makes me want to see the film!
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The title definitely fits! I can see your character’s arc the way you’ve presented it! Nice work.
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Your story sounds intriguing! Why does she have to save the woman in six days? – What happens if she doesn’t?