[Madeleine Vessel]

MADELEINE’S BANTER/FLIRTING/EXPRESSIONS

“What I learned doing this assignment is… There’s a difference between banter, flirting, and expressions of love. I enjoyed experimenting with all three. This particular assignment was surprisingly easy for me. Yay!”

Here are three scenes that show banter, flirting, and an expression of love:

SCENE 1 – BANTER:

David joins Thea at the sink where she is washing dishes.

DAVID
I’ll wash. You dry.

THEA
Do you even know how to wash dishes?

DAVID
How hard can it be?

He picks up a dish, swabs it with a sponge.

THEA
Wrong.

She takes the sponge from him and replaces it with another one.

THEA
This is for cleaning dishes. The other one is for cleaning up gunk.

DAVID
How was I supposed to know which sponge was the correct one?

THEA
Right is right. Left is wrong. It’s not my system. It’s my mother’s.

DAVID
And, of course, you wouldn’t go against your mother.

THEA
Why would I? The system works.

DAVID
So if the system didn’t work, you would do something else?

THEA
Of course.

DAVID
Is doing mining claim assessment work benefiting you?

THEA
What do you mean?

DAVID
How is working in your father’s mine furthering your career?

THEA
It’s temporary.

DAVID
Temporary meaning as long as your dad needs you.

THEA
It’s my life.

DAVID
Actually, it’s your life on hold. How is that working for you?

Thea grabs the sponge for washing out of David’s hand.

THEA
This is my chore. If I need your help, I’ll ask for it.

SCENE 2 – FLIRTING:

At the Motherlode Restaurant, David and Thea sit at a table eating with Curly and Ginny, Thea’s mother. They are celebrating Ginny’s birthday.

Waiting for dessert –

GINNY
(to David)
You play pool.

DAVID
On occasion.

GINNY
Shall we?

Ginny stands.

Hesitantly, David stands.

They move into the bar where there’s a pool table.

Ginny selects a cue and hands a cue to David, deliberately catching one of his fingers in the exchange.

She winks playfully.

David racks the balls.

DAVID
You break.

Ginny breaks.
A striped ball rolls into a pocket.

GINNY sizes up the table, gently nudges David aside with her hip to get a better angle on the cue ball.

She shoots and sinks a striped ball.

GINNY
I’ve got you now.

David is clearly not comfortable with her inuendo.

Ginny sinks another ball.

David watches her eyeball the table and moves out of her way.

She shoots and scratches.

GINNY
Darned.

David picks up his cue and sinks one ball after another until the table is cleared.
He puts away his cue and indicates to Ginny that they should return to their table.

SCENE 3 – EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE:

Thea’s Sacrifice

Thea sees into David’s bedroom that he’s packing.

She knocks on the door, and walks in.

THEA
You’re leaving?

DAVID
My car’s ready.

THEA
Oh.

DAVID
That’s all you have to say?

THEA
What else is there to say?

DAVID
How ‘bout don’t leave.

THEA
I don’t have the right. It’s your life… Your calling.

DAVID
I never promised you anything.

THEA
You’re right.

DAVID
Aren’t you angry? If you’re angry, yell, swear at me, tell me I’m a bastard.

THEA
I’m not angry.

DAVID
You’re not angry?

THEA
I’m just disappointed.

David collects his things.

DAVID
I don’t belong here.

THEA
I know.

He brushes by her and out the door.

Thea wipes away a tear.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

MADELEINE’S ROMANCE EMOTIONS PART 2

“What I learned doing this assignment is… This pass added more to my script outline, but it also was repetitive in some places. Interesting.”

BETRAYAL:

The beginning of Act 1, Phil betrays David because of his gambling addiction. To pay off his debts, he empties the business bank account and sells everything in the business except David’s laptop and a handful of bills needing paid. He has essentially ruined David.

Later, in Act 1, Thea feels betrayed by her father who welcomes David into his home and hires him to help him do assessment work for board and room. This is after she warns her father about David’s shady behavior and refusal to properly identify himself. This is after she is given up her professional life to do the job David’s been hired to do.

In Act 3, David promises to call Thea, but she waits and waits, and he never does.

ANGER:

David is angry after Phil betrays him. He calls Phil and leaves a short and to the point voice message that underlines his fury.
David gets angry when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere in Nevada. He gets angrier when he gets scalded and covered with coolant when he tries to loosen the radiator cap,
Thea gets angry at Dora’s Doll House when David kisses her hands. Pulling away her hands, she angrily states. “I’m not a whore!”

PASSION:

David kisses Thea on the hood of her Jeep after finding common ground under the stars. She kisses David back. Then suddenly David checks himself and calls it all a mistake.
Seeing David’s response, Thea agrees the kiss was a mistake.

OBSESSION:

After he gets back from spending the night with Thea, David can’t stop thinking about her. He steals glances at her, draws pictures of her.

While waiting for David to call, Thea calls to mind every little tender moment they experienced together. Over and over again.

LOVE:
The last scene of the script shows David and Thea together on the deck of a sailing boat on a clear night, looking up at the stars. They hold hands. They kiss.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Romance Emotions Part 1

“What I learned doing this assignment is… Yet another pass, and the outline is thickened and steamed up with attraction, desire, yearning, doubt, and jealousy. I’m loving this.”

Attraction:

In Act 1, Thea picks up David at Dora’s Doll House. He’s so happy to be rescued, he grabs both her hands and kisses them. When he draws back from this display of gratitude, he looks into Thea’s kind eyes. Something stirs in him.

In Act 1, Thea is driving the tow truck with David in the passenger seat. A love song comes on the radio. Thea starts to shut off the radio, but he stops her. “Don’t, please. It’s a love song.”

This interaction happens shortly after Thea picks David up at Dora’s Doll House. Disgusted then, now her attitude softens when she surmises he likes love songs.

Maybe, his search for love is why he was at Dora’s Doll House.

Something stirs in her.

Desire:

David’s and Thea’s first kiss happens at night while they are lying on the hood of Thea’s pickup truck looking up at the stars.

She tells him that she first saw the Milky Way as a kid in the backseat of a Jeep with her parents, driving out to a remote mine site. She describes the overwhelming feeling of being loved by her creator as she looked at the stars.

He tells her, he first saw the stars on a clear night at sea while on his father’s yacht. His experience was similar to hers.
Lying side by side, their hands touch. Then they hold hands. Finally, they kiss. It’s short but sweet.

Yearning:

When David drives away from Thea on his way back to his old way of life, he sees her waving in the rearview mirror. Already, he misses her. He begins to yearn for her from that point on.

As Thea watches David drive away, her yearning for him begins.

Doubt:

When David must choose between staying with Thea and returning to his old life. He doubts the true extent of his affection for her. It’s their proximity that ignites his passion, he tells himself. And so he leaves.

David tells Thea he will call her. When he doesn’t, Thea doubts his love for her.

Jealousy:

Thea feels jealousy as she watches David’s and her mother’s growing relationship. He talks to her about listening to La Traviata and sipping B&B, something Thea has never done.

David feels jealous when he see the priest and Thea in a head
-to-head, laughing and joking together. He wants that kind of head-to-head with Thea.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Comedy Situations

“What I learned doing this assignment is… This was hard for me. I think especially so because I don’t have the scenes worked out. Still, I did come up with some ideas that could funny. I’ll have to see how it goes. Definitely more to do here.”

1. Misinterpretation

o Thea picks him up at Dora’s Doll House (a Nevada house of prostitution) before she hooks up his car. She mistakenly thinks he is there for service when he’s just seeking relief from overheating and dehydration.

o Topper: When he learns she’s coming to rescue him, he kisses her fingers, which she quickly withdraws. I’m not a whore.

o David overhears Thea and a young priest discussing putting images that look like stained glass on the church windows. From his vantage point, he thinks they’re talking about having sex: sword and scabbard. But when he confronts them, he sees them fooling with plastic faux stained glass to stick to the windows. They ask him if he can lend them a hand.

o Topper: He tries to piece the two haves of the faux stained glass painting and finds they don’t fit properly: The sword and the scabbard are misaligned.

2. Comedic Surprise

o Thea typically dresses in a work shirt and pants and steel-toed boots, whether she’s going to work in the mines or to work driving the tow truck. But once in a while she shows up in an office dress shirt and suit jacket over jeans. She wears this combo to attend Zoom meetings.
But on this one evening when she is entertaining a couple of mining promoters, she appears in the kitchen in a pretty dress and with her hair done up. Her unexpected beauty shocks David: “Holy Shit!”

Topper: I mean Wow! Who knew?

3. Wildly Inappropriate Response

o Think the priest.
o Think the barfly Marjorie
o Think the mining promoter Fred

4. Forced union of incompatibles

o David and Thea are forced to work together in the mines. They will run into rattle snakes (he hides behind her), vandals (he is tired of this behavior and takes them out without killing them.), and raging thunderstorms that force them to spend the night together in a small cabin that has a twin bed .

5. Embarrassment in an incongruent way.
o Losing the compressor hitched to the back of the truck.

o Spitting the fuses backwards and blowing up the mountain in one fell sweep. Now, they’ll have to muck out the tunnel carefully to avoid exploding any unexploded dynamite sticks.

o Driving with caps under the driver seat.

6. Comedic tragedy

o When David finds his business office empty of everything except his laptop, which he places in a corner, he receives a phone call from Phil apologizing for selling off everything. Before the call ends, David is mistaken for Phil and attacked by collectors wanting the money Phil owes them. He’s totally blindsided.

o Topper: Then the mailman enters with a handful of bills that need to be paid.

o Topper: He phones the bank and finds out the business account has been drained.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Plot

“What I learned doing this assignment is that layering the three tracks creates a pretty thick outline. Yay! Every pass thickens the plot.”

Act 1:
Opening:

David’s Initial State: David is a successful marine architect/engineer, whose partner, Phil, a gambler, has lost everything they have, except his laptop and a stack of bills that still need paying, to his gambling creditors. While he’s there, a biker gang collection agency breaks in and mistaking him for Phil, beat him severely.
He’s advised by the police to lay low until they can find the culprits. Everything about this situation makes him angry. David decides to go on a road trip. He doesn’t care where.

Thea’s Initial State: Thea in a garden apartment in San Francisco. She’s freelancing as a translator and interpreter, barely paying her bills. But then she gets a phone call from home. Her parents need her help over the summer to do mining assessment work. She packs her bags, quits her apartment and drives home.

David driving on a lonely 2-lane road in Nevada.

Thea on the hood of her 4-wheel drive vehicle dreaming of loving and being loved.

Inciting Incident: David’s car breaks down.

David sees steam starts coming from under the hood, and he’s forced to stop. He’s out in the middle of nowhere, and his phone doesn’t have a signal.

A priest on his rounds finds him. He gives David water then finds a spot where he can get a phone signal and calls into town for a tow truck. He stays with David until Thea arrives in the tow truck.

When asked his name, he says, “You can call me _____.

Meet-Cute: David and Thea meet when she arrives in a tow truck to pick up his broken-down car. He’s so happy to see her, he kisses her hands.

Meet-Cute moment: Driving a tow truck, she stops at David’s broken-down car, gives him first aid for dehydration, loads up his car, puts him in the passenger seat and heads for town. She’s playing the radio when a love song comes on. She starts to shut off the radio, but he asks her not to. He likes love songs. She feels a moment of connection and leaves the radio on.

In town, the mechanic tells him his car won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. He needs to order a water pump that needs to come from Germany.

David empties the car of its registration and insurance documents, leaving no trace of his identity.

Turning Point: No hotel rooms available, Thea’s dad takes pity on him and gives him a room in exchange for labor. David is more than willing to pay for lodging, but Thea’s dad doesn’t want money. He wants David to help him with assessment work in a gold and silver mine.

Act 2:
New plan: Dave accepts the terms for his lodging.

Plan in action: Capable in his own world doing his own work, he’s all thumbs in the mining world. Thea runs circles around him.

Attraction/Flirting: Working for Thea’s father puts David and Thea in proximity 24 hours a day. They work, nap, and ride together. Their first happens when they are lying on the hood of her car looking at the stars.

When I first saw the stars like this as a kid, I heard a little voice say, “I made this all for you.” Since then, I’ve always known I was made to love and be loved.

David’s Initial challenges: While he is attracted to Thea, he can’t see her living in his world, living in a big city as a marine architect/engineer’s wife. To him, she’s a country bumpkin who has no sense of urban living.

Thea’s Initial challenges:
When he moves into her parents’ house and starts working in the mine with her, it quickly becomes clear that he’s a rich city-slicker from a very different world than she’s used to. She tutors him in the mining work, and he doesn’t like it much. She sees his pride and doesn’t like it. He doesn’t tell anyone his name. This makes him suspicious.

Midpoint Turning Point: He almost gets himself and Thea killed when he doesn’t notice Curly spitting the fuses backwards.
Self-Reflection: Then, because he doesn’t notice Curly lighting the fuses backwards, and they all nearly get blown up, he is confronted with Thea’s patient response. She should be mad as hell. What’s wrong with her?

Two thugs in a pickup truck come on the mine with rifles and start shooting holes in everything. David is sick to death of this kind of destruction. He takes them both out. In a comical way.

Because of a raging thunderstorm, Dave and Thea must spend the night together in an old cabin near the mine site.
First Kiss somewhere here.

Denial: He quickly tells her the kiss didn’t mean anything. It was the romance of the night sky. She immediately agrees. They’re from two different worlds. They can’t possibly be together.

Separation/Forced Together: They are forced to stay the night together in an old cabin on the mine claim. When they return to town, everyone, including Dave’s longtime girlfriend, think they’ve slept together.

Act 3:

State Police arrive and notify him his attackers have been caught.

Major conflict / Obstacle: He won’t tell anyone his name, so she imagines all sorts of reasons why he is hiding his identity. Then the State Police show up and question him. This doesn’t bode well for their relationship.
Dave’s car is ready. He can leave anytime he wants.

His partner, Phil, wants to start over with him. So does his girlfriend. The very thought repels him. He’d rather stay out in the middle of nowhere.

But then a key player in his industry knows what happened to his business and wants to hire him.

Rethink everything: Stay or leave. He decides to leave and take the job in California.

They are separated when David must choose which world he wants to live in. He decides that he belongs in the world of boatbuilding and leaves.

When his car is repaired, he ups and leaves with a promise to call her.

He leaves Thea with the rest of the assessment work to do.

Thea is sad but she vows not to harbor hate in her heart.

David’s Self-Reflection: After his car is repaired, he chooses to return to California with the promise that he will call her. But then, he falls back into his old routine in a new office space. He doesn’t keep his promise to call her, but he has time to reflect on his prideful and even childish behavior.

Thea’s Self-Reflection: After her father dies, she is left to complete the assessment work on her own. Out under the stars, she remembers the fun she and David had watching the stars from the hood of her car and how fond he was of starry nights at sea. She keeps waiting for him to call.

Thea’s Acceptance and Growth: During the period of putting the family home up for sale and helping her mother relocate to a town near her brother’s family, she reconciles herself to the fact that he won’t call, but she vows not to put him behind her until she sees a starry night at sea. She moves to San Diego. Afterall, she works remotely and can go wherever she pleases and still get the work done.

He keeps seeing reminders of Thea and what he left behind.

David’s Acceptance and Growth: He realizes that Thea was ever patient with and supportive of him. He realizes that he needs that as opposed to longtime girlfriend who wants him to climb the ladder and make money and socialize with the city’s big wigs.

Working through Issues/Differences: While David is away reviving his business,

Thea is dealt a blow. Her father suddenly dies. Her mother sells the house and moves to another city to be close to her son and grandchildren. Thea moves back to the California coast where she can more easily conduct her translation and interpreting business. She decides on San Diego to be able to experience the night sky at sea.

Hate/Betrayal/All Hope is Lost: David realizes that he misses Thea. His life is hollow, meaningless without her. He was used to sharing his thoughts and feelings with her during the days mining. He returns to the Nevada town only to find out the whole family is gone.

He decides to make a visit, but when he returns to Nevada, he learns that the miner he stayed with has died, his house has been sold off, and the wife and Thea are gone.

He returns to the Nevada town where Thea lives to apologize for his behavior and to show support for her freelance translation business. He brings her ????

But when he gets there, he finds that the family no longer lives in that town. The father died suddenly. The mother put the house up for sale and moved away to be near her son, who is married with children. And Thea, no one knows exactly where she’s gone.

New plan: Find Thea.

He learns that Thea’s mom got a teaching job in Elko, Nevada, and that Thea moved to somewhere in California.
Huge failure: No one knows where she moved to.

An old teacher in town is the only one who knows her phone number.

Turning Point: He calls Thea.

Thea Demonstrates the change: She gets a call from him. She can’t control her overwhelming joy.

Major shift: They agree to meet.

Act 4:

Reunion: They meet on the beach in San Diego.

He finally learns that Thea moved to San Diego and gets hold of her phone number. He calls her, and they arrange to meet on the beach. They agree that they love one another and want to build a life together.

Reunion: They arrange to meet on the beach. They agree that they love one another and want to build a life together that embraces both their worlds.

She asks him what his real name is.

Love Happens: He tells her his name and who he really is. He tells her he missed her the whole time they were apart. They kiss.

Ultimate expression of conflict resolution:
They lie on the deck of a sailing ship looking up at the stars on a clear night.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Her Journey / His Journey

“What I learned doing this assignment is that creating a transformational journey for each of the protagonists gives the romantic story depth. Very cool.

The Individual Transformational Journey for David and Thea.

David’s Transformational Journey:
1. Initial state:

a. David is a successful marine architect/engineer, whose partner, Phil, a gambler, has lost everything they have, except his laptop and a stack of bills that still need paying, to his gambling creditors. When Phil is murdered by collectors, he’s advised by the police to lay low until they can find the culprits. He decides to go on a road trip.

2. Meet-Cute moment:

a. David meets Thea at the scene of his fancy car’s breakdown. She’s the tow truck driver come to his rescue. He’s so happy to see her, he kisses her hands.

3. Initial challenges:

a. While he is attracted to Thea, he can’t see her living in his world, living in a big city as a marine architect/engineer’s wife. To him, she’s a wild thing that can’t be tamed.

4. Major conflict / Obstacle:

a. After he goes to work for her father, just until his car is repaired, he finds himself on a steep learning curve, where she is his tutor. His pride starts to show.

5. Self-Reflection:

a. Then, because he doesn’t notice Curly lighting the fuses backwards, and they all nearly get blown up, he is confronted with her patient response. She should be mad as hell. What’s wrong with her?

6. Acceptance and Growth:

a. After his car is repaired, he chooses to return to California with the promise that he will call her. But then, he falls back into his old routine in a new office space. He doesn’t keep his promise to call her, but he has time to reflect on his prideful and even childish behavior. He realizes that Thea was ever patient with and supportive of him. He realizes that he needs that as opposed to longtime girlfriend who wants him to climb the ladder and make money and socialize with the city’s big wigs.

7. Demonstrate the change:

a. He returns to the Nevada town where Thea lives to apologize for his behavior and to show support for her freelance translation business. He brings her ????
b. But when he gets there, he finds that the family no longer lives in that town. The father died suddenly. The mother put the house up for sale and moved away to be near her son, who is married with children. And Thea, no one knows exactly where she’s gone.

8. Reunion:
a. He finally learns that Thea moved to San Diego and gets hold of her phone number.
b. He calls her, and they arrange to meet on the beach. They agree that they love one another and want to build a life together.

Thea’s Transformational Journey:
1. Initial State:

a. Thea in a garden apartment in San Francisco. She’s freelancing as a translator and interpreter, barely paying her bills. But then she gets a phone call from home. Her parents need her help over the summer to do mining assessment work. She packs her bags, quits her apartment and drives home.

2. Meet-Cute moment:

a. Driving a tow truck, she stops at David’s broken-down car, gives him first aid for dehydration, loads up his car, puts him in the passenger seat and heads for town. She’s playing the radio when a love song comes on. She starts to shut off the radio, but he asks her not to. He likes love songs. She feels a moment of connection and leaves the radio on.

3. Initial challenges:

a. When he moves into her parents’ house and starts working in the mine with her, it quickly becomes clear that he’s a city-slicker and from a very different world than she’s used to. She tutors him in the mining work, and he doesn’t like it much. She sees his pride and doesn’t like it.

4. Major conflict / Obstacle:

a. He won’t tell anyone his name, so she imagines all sorts of reasons why he is hiding his identity. Then the State Police show up and question him. This doesn’t bode well for their relationship.

b. When his car is repaired, he ups with a promise to call her. He leaves just ahead of a biker gang on a collection mission.

5. Self-Reflection:

a. After her father dies, she is left to complete the assessment work on her own. Out under the stars, she remembers the fun she and David had watching the stars from the hood of her car and how fond he was of starry nights at sea. She prays that he’ll call her.

6. Acceptance and Growth:

a. During the period of putting the family home up for sale and helping her mother relocate to a town near her brother’s family, she reconciles herself to the fact that he won’t call, but she vows not to put him behind her until she sees a starry night at sea. She moves to San Diego. Afterall, she works remotely and can go wherever she pleases and still get the work done.

7. Demonstrate the change:
a. She gets a call from him. She can’t control her overwhelming joy.

8. Reunion:
a. They arrange to meet on the beach. They agree that they love one another and want to build a life together that embraces both their worlds.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s 7 Stages of Love

“What I learned doing this assignment is… that laying out the story using the 7 stages of love as an outline is incredibly useful. I am loving this. ”

The 7 Stages of Love for my lead characters:

1. Meet-Cute: David and Thea meet when she arrives in a tow truck to pick up his broken-down car.

2. Attraction/Flirting: David goes to work for Thea’s father, putting him and Thea in proximity 24 hours a day. They work, nap, and ride together. Their first happens when they are lying on the hood of her car looking at the stars.

3. Denial: He quickly tells her the kiss didn’t mean anything. It was the romance of the night sky. She immediately agrees. They’re from two different worlds. They can’t possibly be together.

4. Separation/Forced Together: They are forced to stay the night together in an old cabin on the mine claim. When they return to town, everyone, including Dave’s longtime girlfriend, think they’ve slept together.

They are separated when David must choose which world he wants to live in. He decides that he belongs in the world of boatbuilding and leaves.

5. Working through Issues/Differences: While David is away reviving his business,

Thea is dealt a blow. Her father suddenly dies. Her mother sells the house and moves to another city to be close to her son and grandchildren. Thea moves back to the California coast where she can more easily conduct her translation and interpreting business. She decides on San Diego to be able to experience the night sky at sea.

6. Hate/Betrayal/All Hope is Lost: David realizes that he misses Thea. His life is
hollow, meaningless without her. He was used to sharing his thoughts and feelings with her during the days mining. He returns to the Nevada town only to find out the whole family is gone.

7. Love Happens: David finds out Thea’s new address and goes to San Diego to find her. He finds her walking on the beach. “I missed you.” They kiss.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Bigger Story
“What I learned doing this assignment is a romantic comedy is a story inside a story inside a story:

Story 1: Bigger story with screenplay structure.
Story 2: Romance with 7-stages of love.
Story 3: Each character’s transformational journey.

I also learned that I can create the bigger story by using the concept and major conflict to create a 4-act structure.
Concept:

A charismatic stranger using an assumed name, whose fancy car breaks down in a remote Nevada town, quickly becomes entangled with a goodhearted miner’s daughter, sparking tomfoolery, love, and suspicion as his mysterious past comes to light.

Main Conflict: They are from two incompatible worlds.
• Rich vs. Poor
• Worldly vs. Cautious
• Cynical vs. Optimistic
• Dishonest vs. Honest

Internal Conflict:
She’s locked in to supporting her parents.
He’s locked into picking up the pieces of his old life and moving forward with it.
Issues to be Resolved:

From the get-go, she sees him as rich, successful, and as free as a bird. Good for him, but where’s the future in someone like that for someone like her?

From the beginning, he looks down on her as a risk averse, country bumpkin with no ambition. What he needs is a new partner with money who can help him get back on his feet. Life with her would be way too dull. She is the opposite of his partner who gambled away everything they had.

Story world:
A. What interesting world could this movie/show be set in?
The story begins in Los Angeles where rich David and Philip design and build boats. They are riding high until Philip’s gambling addiction causes their downfall. Philip is murdered by his creditors, and David, forced to use his personal funds to pay of their company debts, is on the run using an assumed name. He’s in disbelief and shock.
The world then shifts to a remote area in Nevada where David’s car breaks down. His car is towed into a town where David becomes entangled with a miner’s daughter and ends up hard-rock mining to repair his car and pay for board and room. He’s been reduced to living like a pauper.
She is chipping away at her responsibilities while translating subtitles for Asian dramas. She’s slowly amassing funds for what she does not know.

B. What major conflict could be happening?
He’s lying low using an assumed name until his partner’s murderers are caught and brought to justice. He’s lying to her from the get-go about who he is and what he does.
She finds out he’s been lying to her. He can’t be trusted. For her there’s nothing than a liar and a thief.

C. What intriguing situation could these characters be engaged in?
2. Turn that bigger story into a 3-Act or 4-Act structure.
Act 1:
Opening: David driving on a lonely 2-lane road in Nevada.
Thea on the hood of her 4-wheel drive vehicle dreaming of loving and being loved.
David sees steam starts coming from under the hood, and he’s forced to stop.
Inciting Incident: A tow truck driven by Thea stops to give him hydration and pick up his car.
In town, the mechanic tells him his car won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. He needs to order a water pump that needs to come from Germany.
Turning Point: No hotel rooms available, Dave is given a room by Thea’s dad in exchange for labor. He wants him to help with assessment work in a gold and silver mine. The dad won’t take money.

Act 2:
New plan: Dave accepts the terms for his lodging.

Plan in action: Capable in his own world doing his own work, he’s all thumbs in the mining world. Thea runs circles around him.
Midpoint Turning Point: He almost gets himself and Thea killed because he spit the fuses backward.
Because of a raging thunderstorm, Dave and Thea must spend the night together in an old cabin near the mine site.
First Kiss somewhere here.

Act 3:
State Police arrive and notify him his partner’s murderers have been caught.
Dave’s car is ready. He can leave anytime he wants.
A key player in his industry knows what happened to his business and wants to hire him.
Rethink everything: Stay or leave. He decides to leave and take the job in California.

Thea is devastated.

He keeps seeing reminders of Thea and what he left behind.
He decides to make a visit, but when he returns to Nevada, he learns that the miner he stayed with has died, his house has been sold off, and the wife and Thea are gone.
New plan: Find Thea.
He learns that Thea’s mom got a teaching job in Elko, Nevada, and that Thea moved to somewhere in California.
Huge failure: No one knows where she moved to.
An old teacher in town is the only one who knows her phone number.
Turning Point: He calls Thea.
Major shift: They agree to meet.

Act 4: They meet on the beach in San Diego.
She asks him what his real name is.
He tells her his name and who he really is. He tells her he missed her the whole time they were apart.
Ultimate expression of conflict resolution:
They kiss and walk away from us on a beach into the sunset.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Rom Com Project

“What I learned doing this assignment is this. By making key decisions about my two characters, using these prompts –
Who is She?
Who is He?
What makes them lovable?
What attracts them to each other: What needs do they fulfill for the other?

– I can ensure that the audience bonds with my lead characters and wants them to have a love story together.

Concept:
A charismatic stranger, whose fancy car breaks down in a remote Nevada town, quickly becomes entangled with a goodhearted miner’s daughter, sparking suspicion, tomfoolery, and love as his mysterious past comes to light.
Conventions:

Two People Who Belong Together:

A sophisticated San Diego marine architect, who has lost his business because of his partner’s gambling habit, is drifting to he doesn’t care where.

A goodhearted woman, stranded in a small Nevada town helping support her parents, longs for the day when she can spread her wings and adventure into the wider world.

What Forces Them Together.

When his car breaks down out in the middle of the Nevada desert, he is forced to accept a tow into the small town where she lives and forced to take lodging with her family and go to work for her father as a gold and silver miner. They work together doing assessment on various mining claims during the summer.

How Are They Separated:

They are separated when he is arrested for his partner’s murder and returned to San Diego for trial. Actually, his partner was killed by his creditors.

Issues to be Resolved:

From the get-go, she sees him as rich, soft, and as free as a bird. Where’s the future in someone like that?

From the beginning, he looks down on her as a country bumpkin with no ambition.

On Their Journey of Love: Sacrifice/self-denial

Step by step, she comes to know his goodness and honesty, and he comes to respect her intelligence and talents, which she already is sharing with the wider world.

Experience of Falling In Love:

They fall in love while living and working together. She puts ointment on his blisters. He is patient with her mother, is a workhorse for her father, and protects her from a couple of creeps out to do her harm.

The Journey of Love:

Sacrifice and self-denial.

He falls for her when he realizes her kindness is genuine.

She falls for him when he shows himself willing to sacrifice himself for her welfare. He puts himself between her and two criminals out to do her wrong.

Relationship Set-up:

Her family gives him lodging and temporary work while his car is being repaired.

He and she live and work side-by-side 



Issues each must Resolve:

She thinks he’s rich and soft and free as a bird. Who wants to be hooked up with someone like that?
He thinks she’s a country bumpkin with no ambition.

Separation:

He is arrested and dragged away by law enforcement.

How will Comedy be Expressed: slapstick

Most of the comedy will happen when they are living and working together.

Who is She?
Thea Pitney (Gift of God) (arid): A goodhearted woman stranded in a remote Nevada town working for her parents, who longs for the day when she can spread her wings and adventure into the wider world.
Who is He?
David Self (Beloved) (Sea Wolf): A sophisticated San Diego marine architect, who has lost his business because of his partner’s gambling habit, is drifting to he doesn’t care where. To an outsider, he’s free as a bird but what kind of bird.
What makes them lovable?

Thea:
Unexpectedly talented (she speaks five languages)
Kindness to others.
Humble and
Capable of making a commitment and staying loyal.

David:
The contrast of being sophisticated and used to wealth and yet being willing to roll up his sleeves and go to work.
Plays the guitar and sings beautifully.
Willing to sacrifice himself for her welfare.

What attracts them to each other?

What causes Thea to be attracted to David?
o His singing.
o His willingness to extend himself for her. Sacrifice/self-denial
o His willingness to roll up his sleeves and go to work even if he is not good at it.

What causes David to like Thea?
o Her kindness.
o Her humility even though she’s a talented polyglot.
o The love she has for her parents. Her loyalty to them.

What needs does each fulfill for the other?

What needs does Thea fulfill for David?
o The possibility of a long term love story.
o She is someone who is trustworthy. Her yes means yes. Her no means no.
o He isn’t lonely when he’s with her.
o She is someone who is capable in her own right, who can be an equal partner, but who also needs him when she’s overpowered.

What needs does David fulfill for Thea?
o He’s someone she can count on when she is in danger.
o He holds the key to the wider world.
o He understands her choices and her worth when everyone around her thinks she’s wasted her education on learning languages and is wasting her life not getting married and settling down with the local man who likes her.
o She isn’t lonely when she’s with him.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Rom Com Project

What I learned doing this assignment is… brainstorming around romantic comedy conventions and the seven steps of romantic love equals a concept that will map the story.”

Concept:
A charismatic stranger, whose fancy car breaks down in a remote Nevada town, quickly becomes entangled with a goodhearted miner’s daughter, sparking distrust, tomfoolery, and love as his mysterious past comes to light.

Conventions:

Two People Who Belong Together: A sophisticated San Diego marine architect, who has lost his business because of the crooked dealings of his partner, is drifting to he doesn’t care where. A goodhearted woman, stuck in a small Nevada town helping to support her parents, longs for the day when she can spread her wings and adventure into the wider world.

What Forces Them Together.
When his car breaks down out in the middle of the Nevada desert, he is forced to accept a tow into the small town where she lives and forced to take lodging with her family and go to work for her father as a gold and silver miner. They work together doing assessment on various mining claims during the summer.

How Are They Separated:
They are separated when he is arrested for the murder of his partner and taken back to San Diego where the crime took place.

Issues to be Resolved:
From the get-go, she suspects him of being a criminal looking for a place to hide out. When he is arrested, her worst fears are confirmed. In her eyes, he’s just another crook.

From the beginning, he looks down on her as a country bumpkin.

On Their Journey of Love:
Step by step, she comes to know his goodness and honesty, and he comes to respect her intelligence and talents, which she already is sharing with the wider world.

Experience of Falling In Love:
They fall in love while living and working together. She puts ointment on his blisters. He protects her from a couple of creeps out to do her harm.

The Journey of Love:
He falls for her when he realizes her kindness is genuine. She falls for him when he puts himself between her and two criminals out to do her wrong.

Relationship Set-up:
Her family gives him lodging and temporary work while his car is being repaired.
He and she live and work side-by-side

Issues each must Resolve:
She suspects he’s a criminal hiding from the law.
He thinks she’s a country bumpkin and somehow beneath him.

Separation:
He is arrested and dragged away by law enforcement.

How will Comedy be Expressed:
Most of the comedy will happen when they are living and working together.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi, Everyone–

My name is Madeleine Vessel. I’ve written 3+ screenplays. All but one is a crime/mystery/thriller. I’m shopping one of them right now and have 5 script requests from producers so far. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I’ve never attempted to write a romantic comedy before, but I’m looking forward to taking the challenge. My main goal is to have fun and add to my tool box.

Something unique about me is this. I love crows. They are my favorite bird. Whenever I start a murder mystery, I consider crows, not that they are killers, but because a whole flock of them is called a “murder”. 😀

I look forward to working and learning with you all.

[Madeleine Vessel]

I, Madeleine Vessel, agree to the terms of the following Group Release Form:

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Builds Meaning with Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment is that I can give a line of dialogue meaning that changes over the course of the screenplay. I need more practice doing this.

The Line, The Arc, the Different Meaning I gave the line in the scenes it appeared.

1. Keep your eyes peeled. Where there’s one snattle bug, there’ll be another.

The first time this line appears, Anna-Maude utters it, and snattle bug refers to a rattlesnake.

The second time this line appears, Anna-Maude utters it, and snattle bug refers to the driver of a big white dually that bumped Tony into a irrigation ditch.

The third time this line appears, snattle bug refers to Delinda, the murderer’s daughter, when she attempts to stop Tony from shooting her father.

2. Newcomer. Been to hell and back. It’s written all over him.

The first time this line appears, it is spoken by a convenience store clerk, who has seen Tony’s cratered legs.

The second time this line appear, it is spoken by Delinda, who has seen Tony’s cratered legs.

The third time this line appears, it is spoken by Anna-Maude, who tries to stop the bleeding of a new wound on Tony’s back. His back is riddled with scars obtained over his lifetime, one which Anna-Maude remembers and causes her to figure out who he really is.

3. Careful. It’s got thorns.

The first time this line is used it refers to a rose Tony gives to Anna-Maude.

The second time this line is used it refers to Delinda when she loses it after finding out that Tony is giving the archaeological dig to Anna-Maude, not her friend Quentin.

The third time this line is used it refers to Anna-Maude at the excavation of Sally’s grave. It refers to a riled Anna-Maude accusing Owen of murder.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Height of the Emotion (Assignment 1)

What I learned doing this assignment is I can create profound dialogue by finding the height of an emotional moment in the story and then brainstorm lines that can deliver the deeper meaning of the scene. This was the hardest assignment for me so far. I need to keep working on it.

The Five Most Emotional Moments In My Screenplay:

1. Anna-Maude severing the head of a rattlesnake suddenly blocking her path. Fight or Flight. She chooses to fight.

The incident represents the beginning of monsoon season for Anna-Maude. The worst time of the year for Anna-Maude, it’s when Sally disappeared and Sally’s mother drowned. It’s also when she and Tony became estranged.

New line:

Anna-Maude, “I hate monsoon season.”

Anna-Maude meets Stella shortly after killing the snake. Stella notices the rattlesnake splatter on Anna-Maude’s jeans.

New line:

Anna-Maude, “Dammit! I hate monsoon season. Rattlesnakes, ants,

centipedes, every kind of horror rising up from the earth. Every year, I pray to God I live through it.”

2. Murl shows Tony the painting of Sally and Anna-Maude when they were 13 years old. It brings back memories of Sally’s disappearance.

New line:

Tony: “Feels like it happened yesterday.”

Murl leaves Tony in front of the painting a bit, during which time, Tony remembers how cruel his mother was to Anna-Maude when they were kids.

Murl returns to find Tony staring at the painting of the girls.

New line:

Murl, “Conjures up better days I hope.”

3. Anna-Maude supports Tony to the front door of his house after he was bumped into an irrigation ditch by a big dually truck. As she reaches under a pot for his house key, a couple of feral dogs show themselves, growling and barking. After the two get safely inside the house —

New line: Tony, “They’re just hungry dogs.”

New line:

Anna-Maude, “Hungry FERAL dogs. Probably the ones

stealing chickens around here. Who survives war then lets himself get

eaten by dogs? Or bumped into an irrigation ditch by a psycho?

4. Anna-Maude cleans and treats the wound on Tony’s back that is the most recent addition to his scars. One of the older scars forms a zigzag through shrapnel craters. Running her finger lightly over the zigzag scar, she remembers where she’s seen it before.

New lines:

Anna-Maude, “You’re –”

Tony “Thomas Anthony Oxley.”

Anna-Maude , “You’ve been lying to me.”

Tony, “Every word I said was true.

Anna-Maude, “Why would you come back here?”

Tony, “It’s the last place I called home.”

5. Early the morning after the fire that burned down Anna-Maude’s farmhouse, Stella arrives with a bag of clothes Anna-Maude can wear.

New lines:

ANNA-MAUDE, “You’re a lifesaver.”

STELLA, “I’ve also got a spare bedroom.”

ANNA-MAUDE, “I’ll think about it.”

STELLA, “What’s to think about? You just said, someone wants you dead.”

ANNA-MAUDE, “I can’t just pull up stakes. I still have five horses to feed.”

Tony joins them.

Taken by surprise —

STELLA (to Tony), “Who are you?”

ANNA-MAUDE, “This is Tony, one of my neighbors.”

STELLA, “Really.

Tony smiles at Stella, turns to Anna-Maude.

TONY, “I’ll feed the horses.”

ANNA-MAUDE, “You don’t like horses.”

TONY, “Do I have to like them to feed them?”

ANNA-MAUDE. “No, of course not.”

TONY, “While you’re away, I’ll have a couple of fire alarms installed.”

STELLA (firm to Anna-Maude), “See you tonight.”

(deliberately to Tony), “Thank you.”

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Delivers Irony!

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s easy to incorporate irony into a screenplay by providing two opposite experiences together, and that by doing so, I can make the story more meaningful. Yay!!

Five different ways I can create Irony in my screenplay and deliver insight:

1. New way/Insight I want to deliver: On the Rio Grande, women can hold their own.

An opposite experience that could deliver this new way/insight: When confronted with a rattlesnake in her path, Anna-Maude does not wait for Tony to dispatch it. She takes the shovel and beheads it herself.

2. New way/Insight I want to deliver: A person who does facial reconstruction is an artist.

An opposite experience that could deliver this new way/insight:

Artist Murl Gayle taught both Anna-Maude and Sally, but he declares in front of Tony that of the two, Sally was the real artist.

Later, the viewer watches Anna-Maude reconstruct faces of people dead 40 years and then 400 years and draws a dragon tattoo from memory. The viewer knows she’s an artist.

3. New way/Insight I want to deliver: Chickens are a regular fixture on farms everywhere and throughout time.

An opposite experience that could deliver this new way/insight:

A neighbor of Jack’s confronts him about his chicken-killing dog and threatens to shoot it in the head.

At the same time, Jack is seen showing a 400 year old chicken cup worth millions to that same chicken-killing dog.

4. New way/Insight I want to deliver: Anna-Maude has a myopic mindset. She looks for the spent bullet that killed Jack by running a metal detector over the churned up dirt in the horse corral.

An opposite experience that could deliver this new way/insight:

The bullet Anna-Maude’s looking for is not in the dirt at all. Instead, it’s lodged in the tire of her forklift. She only finds it when she needs to use the forklift and finds one of its tires flat.

5. New way/Insight I want to deliver: Sometimes what we need to notice doing an investigation is not what’s there, but also what is not there.

An opposite experience that could deliver this new way/insight:

Anna-Maude looks at the painting the first time and sees what’s there. It brings back memories of the night Sally disappeared.

Later, after a second look at the painting, Anna-Maude realizes that there should be rose bushes in the picture. This leads Anna-Maude to realize the rosebushes now on that site are a memorial to Sally. She digs up the body and finds Sally’s dead body.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Delivers Insights Through Conflict (place in first line)

What I learned doing this assignment is that conflict can deliver new ways/insights. It can provoke someone to tell the truth, uncover a secret, bring out someone’s true nature, and uncover an emotional issue among others. Very interesting!

New Way/Insights I want to deliver and the conflict that new way/insight might show up in:

1. Anna-Maude hates Monsoon Season because everything bad that has happened to her happened during that season.

The new insight I want to deliver is this: Monsoon Season in the desert is beautiful and exhilarating.

The conflict this might show up in could be an argument between Anna-Maude and her best friend, Stella, where Anna-Maude first declares she hates Monsoon Season ”Rattlesnakes, ants, centipedes, every kind of horror rising up from the earth. Every year, I pray to God I live through it.”

Stella might counter with, “As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing more exhilarating than lightning, thunder, and pounding rain in the desert.”

This might lead to Stella’s blaming how and where Anna-Maude lives for the way she feels.

2. Tony has caught a man trespassing on his father’s farm with a metal detector. He wants to know who the culprit is. Delinda identifies the man as Anna-Maude’s Uncle Jack, who was found earlier that day with a bullet through his head.

The new insight I want to deliver is this: Jack is not just a trespasser. He is also a man well liked in the community, especially by Delinda.

The conflict I might use is to have Tony and Delinda argue over whether Jack is a good man or a bad man. Tony might say, “Somebody sure didn’t like him.” And Delinda might counter with, “Anna-Maude would be a better candidate for being shot through the head than Jack.” Tony might counter that with a question? “Why would anyone want to kill Anna-Maude.”

3. When Anna-Maude learns Tony’s true identity, she immediately suspects him of killing her Uncle Jack.

The new insight I want to deliver is this: Tony and Anna-Maude have been estranged for 17 years, but that doesn’t mean Tony’s anger toward Anna-Maude has stayed the same.

The conflict I might use is the kind that brings out one’s true nature. Tony might find Anna-Maude in front of his gun safe, trying the lever that opens it. She suspects that the rifle that killed Jack is inside. Tony might unlock the safe and throw open the door to show Anna-Maude there’s nothing inside.

Tony might say, “Do you really think I’d kill Jack for trespassing?”

Anna-Maude might counter, “You still blame me for your sister’s disappearance and your mother’s drowning.”

Tony might then counter, “I’m not a dumbass kid anymore.” He might go on to explain that his sister was a runaway train that no one could control. He might also explain that his mother was always suicidal and that Anna-Maude just happened to be there when his mother succeeded.

The insight for Anna-Maude would be that she is not to blame for the tragedies that happened 17 years before.

4. The new insight I want to deliver is that someone is surveilling Anna-Maude.

The conflict I might use to deliver this is an argument that uncovers a secret.

Anna-Maude might be in conversation with Chen Diu an Li Fang when a page Chen Diu is holding falls to the floor. Both Chen Diu and Anna-Maude kneel down to pick it up when they see a listening device attached to the bottom of the cataloguing table.

Li Fang suggests that someone is surveilling Anna-Maude. Anna-Maude counters with that person might be him. She might follow up with the revelation that she caught a Chinese man with a dragon tattoo burgling her house. The effect of this news resonates with Chen Diu. She knows a man with a dragon tattoo who might be the culprit.

5. The new insight I want to deliver is that Tony cannot escape fighting, using a gun to make a difference.

The conflict I might us to deliver this is an argument that brings out Tony’s true nature.

Owen takes Anna-Maude hostage. Sheriff Sergeant Mike Williams wants to negotiate with Owen to let go of Anna-Maude, but fails. Tony steps up and asks for Mike’s gun. Mike is afraid that brandishing a gun will get Anna-Maude killed. Tony counters with, “If you don’t give me your gun, I’m going to take it.”

Mike will give Tony his gun. Tony will take the shot that kills Owen and saves Anna-Maude’s life.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Turns Insights Into Action

What I learned doing this assignment is giving insight through action can be very profound. It’s more effective than using dialogue to make the profound point.

New ways and insights turned into action.

· Tony returns home to recover from PTSD. He’s seen enough carenage for a lifetime. But almost as soon as he returns to the land, he meets Anna-Maude, who kills a viper right in front of him.

New Way Insight: Coming home may not be as peaceful as he had imagined.

· Anna-Maude is used to successfully taking care of her farm, her uncle, and herself without requiring assistance from anyone else. But then her Uncle Jack is murdered in her horse corral, and she must depend on Sheriff Sergeant Mike Williams to find the culprit.

New Way Insight: Anna-Maude sits on Jack’s porch watching as the crime scene investigation unfolds. She’s helpless to do anything herself, and she must accept this.

· Anna-Maude notices a cyclist entering the farmhouse of the property across the road from her farm. Charging over there, she demands that the cyclist, Tony, leave. He doesn’t budge.

New Way Insight: Anna-Maude must retreat and call the Sheriff to remove the trespasser.

· After rescuing the same cyclist from being drowned in an irrigation ditch, she takes him home and treats his wounds only to realize he’s not a stranger. He’s Tony, an estranged childhood friend, who blames her for his sister’s disappearance and his mother’s drowning. She suspects he might be Jack’s murderer, but when she looks inside Tony’s gun safe, there’s nothing in it.

New Way Insight: Anna-Maude is wrong about Tony.

· After her farmhouse is broken into by a burglar, she assures Sheriff Sergeant Mike Williams that she has a shotgun and a dog. She can take care of herself. Next thing she knows, her house is set on fire by a killer, and if not for Tony rescuing her, she would be fried.

New Way Insight: Anna-Maude may be armed and dangerous, but she’s no match for the killer on her own.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Seabiscuit Analysis

What I learned doing this assignment is how to analyze profound moments in an underdog movie. Very inspiring!

SEABISCUIT’S profound moments:

1. In the whore house, Red watches a woman let down her slip. From his point of view, he sees only half the frame, the torn screen of the window and some peeling wallpaper.

In a flashback, his trainer asks him, “How do you miss a hole like that?”

George Woolf shoots through a hole that Red didn’t see..

In another flashback, we see Red in a boxing match pummeled in his left eye. The socket is swollen shut.

Back to the scene with the whore, we see Red look to his right to see the whore, now standing in the good side of the frame.

The profound moment: Now, we know, Red is blind in his left eye.

What made this moment profound for me is that we watched all those things happen to Red, not realizing that his reckless lifestyle was the cause of his losing the race. Now, suddenly, we know his lifestyle has rendered him blind in one eye.

2. Tom Smith takes the big white stallion away from the men who would shoot him for a game leg. No money in it; makes no sense. But then later, we see him in conversation with Howard, who wants to know why Smith is fixing up the stallion if he’s never race again. Smith’s response is a profound moment:

“Every horse is good for somethin’. He could be a car horse or a lead pony. He’s still nice to look at… You don’t throw a whole life away just cause it’s banged up a little.”

This was a profound moment for me because, I’d just seen Red, exposed as being blind in one eye and his racing career most likely over because of it.

3. Seabiscuit has been abused and walked in circles so long he doesn’t remember what he was born to do, that he’s a racehorse. Then he meets Red, who is beat up and blind in one eye. They’re an unlikely pair. The question becomes, can Seabiscuit learn to be a racehorse again, and is Red the jockey to do it?

When Red takes Seabiscuit out for a ride, they both come alive. The race is on, and Red says to Seabiscuit, “Cmon, Buddy. Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.

This was a profound moment for me because it was like a love story, a romance where it’s love at first sight, in this case, first ride. Beautiful!

4. Howard’s garage returns to being a horse stable. Smith has a new job. Seabiscuit has a new home. Red sleeps in Frankie’s bed.

This was a profound moment to me because it pointed to the healing relationship developing among Seabiscuit, Red, Smith, and Howard. They are an unlikely family, as so many are, heading toward being a winning family. Every single one of them have been granted a second chance.

5. Seabiscuit loses to Rosemont because Red can’t see. Smith is angry because Red didn’t tell them about his blindness handicap. But Howard’s response is something different. “Nobody’s “perfect.” Later, he announces to the reporters, “Red Pollard will remain as Seabiscuit’s jockey, now and forever…”

This response is the antithesis of what we’d expect. Howard should have fired Red, but he didn’t. Instead, they are more determined than ever to have a context between Seabiscuit and War Admiral.

Now, it’s an underdog story: West vs. East. We’re rooting for the too short horse and the too tall jockey.

6. After Red is badly hurt breezing a skittish two-year-old, his friend, the Ice Man, agrees to ride for him on Seabiscuit against War Admiral. Red and Smith coach the Ice Man until he knows Seabiscuit like the back of his hand. Seabiscuit wins.

This was a profound moment for me because Red, who should have been so depressed he couldn’t stay awake, tutors his friend how to win for him on Seabiscuit. It’s such a generous act. The message here is winning isn’t just about being self-interested. It’s also about letting go and opening up to reality. Lovely!!

7. After Seabiscuit ruptures a ligament in his leg, the veterinarian tells Howard, he’s not going to race again. He says, “I’ll put him down if you want me to.” Howard punches the veterinarian in the jaw.

Both Seabiscuit and Red are crippled. They heal together. Seabiscuit mends first.

Then, together, Red on Seabiscuit win at Santa Anita!!! They’ve done the impossible.

The profound moment for me was the ending where horse and rider cross the finish line together—Victorious! Wow!

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Living Metaphors

What I learned doing this assignment is that transformation in a character can be shown gradually after a series of should work tries but doesn’t. I also learned how to use living metaphors to challenge Old Ways. Great assignment!

Should Work, But Doesn’t Challenges:

a. Murl Gayle shows Tony his painting of a cowboy. Tony should know him. He grew up around him. But when Tony examines it, he can’t identify him.

Dennis tells Tony to get more people to look at the painting. Tony just wants to be left alone. But then an opportunity to have it displayed among other of Murl’s paintings at Delinda’s art gallery arises. And he takes it.

At the preview of Mur’s collection, Owen, Anna-Maude, Camilla, and Kenny recognize the cowboy. He’s Owen. But it turns out, Anna-Maude does not accuse Owen because of the painting. So Tony’s no closer to finding the culprit responsible for Sally’s disappearance.

Old Way: Murl trusts his psychologist. Challenge: When, under hypnosis, he finishes the painting, he doesn’t know who the cowboy is.

b. After Anna-Maude runs off a burglar in her house, the Sheriff suggests she stay with a friend. But she refuses because she has a dog and a rifle. She insists she can take care of herself. A few days later, an arsonist lights her house on fire with her in it.

Old way: Anna-Maude insists she can take care of herself. Challenge: The fire burns down her house even though she has a dog and is armed with a rifle.

c. The Sheriff Deputy finds a text message from a local chile farmer to Jack saying that if he finds his dog on his farm again he’s going to shoot it through the head. He suggests to Anna-Maude that the farmer has a motive to kill.

Anna-Maude insists the farmer would never kill Jack, but the Sheriff investigates anyway. He won’t take her word alone. Turns out he has a .308 rifle which shoots the same caliber of bullet that killed Jack.

Old Way: Anna-Maude thinks she knows the chile farmer. Challenge: The Sheriff won’t take her word for it.

d. Tony would like to mend fences with Anna-Maude, who has been estranged from him since they were teenagers. But every time, he comes in contact with Anna-Maude, he ruffles her feathers. In one instance, he accuses her of trespassing on his land with a metal detector, when clearly, she’s there for another purpose.

Old way: Tony has been estranged from Anna-Maude since they were teenager. Challenge:Every time, he tries to mend fences, he makes things worse.

e. Anna-Maude saves Tony’s life not knowing who he really is. When she finds out who he is, she accuses him of lying to her. Tony just can’t get back in Anna-Maude’s good graces.

Old way: Anna-Maude saves Tony’s life before she knows who he is. Challenge: When she finds out his true identity, she accuses him of lying to her. Tony is no closer to mending fences with Anna-Maude than he ever was.

Living Metaphor Challenges

a. After Anna-Maude kills a rattlesnake in her path and gets splatter on her work clothes, she declares she hates Monsoon Season. Every kind of horror rising up from the earth. Every year, I pray to God I live through it. Turns out Monsoon Season is the same time Sally disappeared and the same time Jack was murdered and the same time that Anna-Maude is experiencing so many bad things. Monsoon Season is her one weakness.

Ironically, it will be Monsoon Season when she solves the three murders.

Old Way: Monsoon Season is the time of year bad things happen to Anna-Maude. Challenge:Embracing what comes up during Monsoon Season leads Anna-Maude to the killer.

b. Murl Gayle paints a cowboy under hypnosis in a desperate to rid himself of the nightmares he’s having about the night Sally disappeared. But when he’s done, he doesn’t recognize the cowboy. Neither does he know if the cowboy is the one responsible for Sally’s going missing.

And yet later, Anna-Maude will look at the painting, put two and two together, and identify him as the murderer of three people.

Old Way: Murl doesn’t recognize the cowboy in the painting he’s drawn. Challenge: Someone else does recognize the cowboy, which leads to solving the murders..

c. Anna-Maude suspects that Jack’s missing Chinese artifacts are the motive for his murder. They are worth millions of dollars. But the Chinese man who burgled her house doesn’t have them. The artifacts seem like a dead end until Anna-Maude realizes that it was Jack’s digging on Oxley Farm, not his digging up the Chinese artifacts from Oxley Farm that got him murdered.

Old Way: Because the artifacts are valuable, they must be the motive for Jack’s death. Challenge: It’s not the artifacts that are the motive, but rather the digging of them up that is the motive.

d. Murl Gayle tells Tony that both Anna-Maude and his sister, Sally, were his students the summer Sally went missing. Of the two, he say, “Sally was the real artist.”

And yet, it turns out that Anna-Maude’s spot-on facial reconstructions lead to the identification of a man murdered forty years before and a woman, who died in the late 1500s and whose ownership of the Chinese Artifacts Jack found, lead Anna-Maude to the motive for Jack’s killing.

Old Way: Murl doesn’t credit Anna-Maude with being an artist. Challenge: Anna-Maude’s facial reconstructions turn out to be inspired art. So does her drawing of a dragon tattoo from memory.

e. Yellow roses keep coming up in the story. A yellow rose was Sally’s favorite flower. She painted them on the walls of her bedroom when a teenager.

Anna-Maude’s friend, Stella, places a yellow rose on the grave of Jack’s dead dog, Roy.

There’s a yellow rose garden, including 17 rosebushes, on Oxley Farm that no one remembers planting.

In the end, it’s the absence of the roses in the painting of the cowboy that leads Anna-Maude to Sally’s dead body.

Old Way: Sally loved yellow roses. The rose garden on Oxley Farm symbolize her love for them. Challenge: No one knows who planted the roses until Anna-Maude figures out they are a memorial.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Counterexamples

What I learned doing this assignment is that considering questions and counter examples that challenge the Old Ways opens up the story. So many more possibilities have emerged. Yay!!!!

5 Questions that challenge the Old Ways:

1. Comparing the artistry of Anna-Maude Stone and Sally Oxley, Murl Gayle says, “Of the two, Sally was the real artist, nature being her specialty.”

Anna-Maude’s facial reconstructions are spot on. The question is, isn’t Anna-Maude a real artist, too?

This challenges Murl’s Old Way of regarding Anna-Maude’s talents.

2. Searching Jack’s cabin with Sheriff Mike Williams, he asks her, “Who else had a beef with Jack? She responds, “No one… Honestly. Everyone liked him. He was a really good guy.

The question is, if Jack was such a good guy, why did someone shoot him?

This challenges the community’s Old Way of believing that Jack was a good guy.

3. Pete Candelaria has size 14 boots and a .308 rifle that reeks of gunpowder.

Question #1: Is Pete the only one in the neighborhood with size 14 boots?

Question #2: Did Pete fire his .308 to shoot Jack and his dog, or was he out shooting something else like coyotes, foxes, feral dogs, or targets?

This challenges Mike and Umberto’s Old Way of thinking about what they can consider evidence.

4. Sheriff Sergeant tells Anna-Maude that her Uncle Jack and Owen Cross were on the mountain with Eloy when he went missing.

Question from Anna-Maude: Are you saying Jack had something to do with Eloy’s death? The Sheriff Sergeant’s response is, “Can’t rule him out. Not yet anyway.”

This further challenges Anna-Maude’s Old Way of regarding Jack.

5. Anna-Maude and Tony study the painting of the cowboy. Suddenly, she sees something she hadn’t noticed before.

Anna-Maude’s Question: Why aren’t there any rosebushes?

Tony: “I noticed that, too. Someone must have planted them after Dad and I left.

Anna-Maude: Why would someone plant rose bushes on someone else’s property?

Anna-Maude answers this question herself: “Sally loved yellow roses… Of course, the garden is a memorial. Sally isn’t missing. She’s dead.”

This challenges the Old Way of thinking that Sally disappeared. The truth more likely is that she died.

5 Counterexamples that challenge the Old Ways:

1. Anna-Maude questions that Jack had Chinese artifacts. They aren’t in his ledger, and they aren’t in inventory.

Her friend Stella answers the question with another possibility: They belong to someone else, and Jack was just doing them a favor.

This challenges the Old Way Jack had of doing business.

2. Anna-Maude suspects Tony of killing her Uncle Jack because he blames her for Sally’s disappearance and his mother’s drowning.

He offers a counter example: “My mother was always trying to do herself in. You just happened to be there when she succeeded. And Sally? Sally was as runaway train. No one could stop her.

This challenges Anna-Maude’s Old Way of thinking that she was to blame for the terrible things that happened to Tony’s family.

3. Li Fang is afraid Chen Diu will break the law in her desire for revenge.

Her response counters his fears. “I’m not a fool. Meili betrayed me. It’s within my rights to fire her. As for him, he has overstayed his visa. It is my civic duty to report him to U. S. Customs and Border Protection.

This challenges Chen Diu’s Old Way of behaving when she has to deal with a problem.

4. At Jack’s funeral, Anna-Maude tells Tony that Sally and Kenny were in a relationship.

Tony can’t believe it, “They were just kids.”

Anna-Maude counters with, “Sally was always sneaking out her window and not just for art class.

This challenges Tony’s Old Way belief about his sister.

5. After Anna-Maude’s house burns down and her friend, Stella, wants her to come to town and stay with her, she protests, “I can’t just pull up stakes. I still have five horses to feed.”

Tony counters, “I’ll feed the horses.”

Anna-Maude counters, “You don’t like horses.”

Tony counters, “Do I have to like them to feed them?”

Anna-Maude concedes, “No, of course not.”

Tony not waiting for a further response, “While you’re away, I’ll have fire alarms installed.”

This challenges Anna-Maude’s Old Way of insisting on doing things herself. She’s not as self-sufficient as she thought.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Old Ways Challenge Chart

What I learned doing this assignment is I can build into my script challenges to my characters’ old ways of thinking and believing and moving them to a new way of thinking and believing.

Old Ways:

Evil has a foothold in the valley.

The valley has known more than its fair share of tragedies: Eloy Muñoz’s unsolved disappearance, Sally’s unsolved disappearance, and now, Jack’s unsolved murder.

The unsolved crimes have left many broken hearts in their wake.

Anna-Maude still feeling guilty over Sally’s disappearance and her mother’s drowning, now dedicating her life to raising the dead, partly through facial reconstruction, and taking care of her Uncle Jack and the family horse farm. She’s proud of being self-sufficient.

Tony suffering from PTSD and wounds from Afghanistan is back in the valley recuperating and wanting nothing to do with guns. He’s also carrying the grief of losing his sister, Sally, who went missing, and his mother, who drowned. He feels guilty about accusing Anna-Maude of being to blame for his sister’s disappearance and his mother’s drowning. He’s focused inward on his sins.

Camilla Cross’s childhood sweetheart went missing without a trace their senior year in high school.

Sheriff Sergeant Mike, who has dedicated his life to fighting crime is new to the valley.

Challenges to the Old Ways:

Anna-Maude’s belief that she can take care of herself starts to unravel.

Quentin Jones is jealous of Anna-Maude and wants her gone from the Archaeology Department.

Anna-Maude’s finds Jack dead from a shot through the head. The bullet’s nowhere to be found.

Possible clues start to surface suggesting the cold cases might eventually be solved.

With the help of hypnosis, Murl Gayle, an artist who taught both Anna-Maude and Sally as teenagers, paints a cowboy, who might have something to do with Sally’s disappearance. The trouble is he doesn’t know who the cowboy is. Neither does Tony.

Anna-Maude refuses to believe that Jack had any enemies, but the evidence accumulating seems to suggest otherwise.

Sheriff Sergeant A text message threatening to kill Jack’s chicken-killing dog. This might be a motive for Jack’s murder.

Chinese artifacts said to be in Jack’s possession are nowhere to be found. They might be the motive for Jack’s murder.

Challenge Anna-Maude’s self-sufficiency by putting her adjunct professorship in jeopardy, by having her lose her Uncle Jack to murder, and by having Anna-Maude’s house torched by someone who wants her dead. She escapes death only because Tony notices the fire and rescues her.

Starting to look beyond his own pain and suffering, Tony puts his mind to finding Sally. He starts by looking for anyone who might know something about Sally’s disappearance.

Tony arranges a showing of Murl Gayle’s paintings, hoping someone who views them will recognize the cowboy. No one does until Anna-Maude comes along. She knows who the cowboy is, but it doesn’t seem to answer the question of what happened to Sally.

Anna-Maude’s belief that Jack was a kin to a saint starts to unravel when evidence suggests that Jack was a thief and possibly a murderer .

Bones surface on Oxley Farm. They lead Anna-Maude to find the origins of Jack’s Chinese artifacts. This forces Anna-Maude to admit Jack might be a thief.

The boy whose face Anna-Maude is reconstructing is identified by Camilla Cross. He’s her high school boyfriend who went missing forty years before. He was a friend of Jack’s and Owen Cross’s, Camilla’s husband.

Both Jack and Owen were on the mountain with Eloy when he disappeared.

Anna-Maude thinks she knows where Sally is.

A second look at the painting of the cowboy, points Anna-Maude to where Sally might be buried.

Clues at Sally’s unmarked grave lead Anna-Maude to be suspicious of Owen Cross.

At the sight of Sally’s bones being dug up, Kenny, Owen Cross’s son, accuses his father of the murder.

Owen takes Anna-Maude hostage. The once self-sufficient woman is now rendered completely helpless and at the mercy of a killer.

Tony shoots and kills Owen and saves Anna-Maude.

New evidence links Owen to Eloy’s disappearance and Jack’s murder.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s 12 Angry Men Analysis

What I learned doing this assignment is that for every old way of being and thinking, there is a way to challenge it by questioning, recreating, and threatening isolation, among others. Very cool!

Old Ways:

1. Not caring/Just wanting this over.

2. Assumption that the boy received a fair trial.

3. Assumption that the witnesses were telling the truth.

4. Prejudice toward the defendant, a nineteen year old boy born in the slums.

Challenges Presented to these old ways:

1. Locking the jurors, people who don’t know one another and don’t feel comfortable with one another in a room where they have to talk to each other. Then have them take a vote that is not unanimous 11 to 1. Now the deliberation begins.

2. One of the juror’s (Number 8) takes on the role of the devil’s advocate. He questions everything: Facts? Defense attorney? Witnesses? Reminds me of Socrates.

3. Questioning whether or not the trial was fair by recreating the stabbing.

4. Questioning whether or not the witnesses were telling the truth by recreating the old man’s journey from his bed to the door in 15 seconds. Couldn’t have happened. And questioning whether or not the old woman across the EL could have seen the murder clearly without her glasses. Probably not.

5. Having the one holdout be the man who is prejudiced against slum kids. By the time his prejudice is coming out, all the other jurors are voting not guilty.

6. Telling the most prejudiced and also the most conforming juror that if he votes guilty, he be all alone. When prejudice is weighed again the desire to conform, conforming wins out.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Profound Ending

What I learned doing this assignment:

With every assignment, I am zeroing in on what I really want my story to say. In this assignment, I found out that I want to impress on my viewers the true evil of murder, which not only takes the life of a human being, shattering their dreams, taking away their future, and silencing their voice, but which also leaves behind a trail of broken hearts, rippling throughout society.

It’s society’s duty to bring a murderer to justice.

My Profound Truth: Murder demands justice.

Owen’s son, Kenny overcomes his fear of his father and identifies him as Sally’s murderer.

Justice is meted out a few minutes later when Tony kills Owen to keep him from killing Anna-Maude.

Delinda, Owen’s daughter is left desolate and unable to come to terms with her father’s crime and sudden death.

Here’s how my lead characters (Change Agent and Transformable Characters) come to an end in a way that represents the completed change.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Change:

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>The Change Agent: Owen Cross

The murderer, Owen Cross, comes to a violent end after going from being proud to being afraid to being angry to being shot dead in the act of taking Anna-Maude hostage.

Transformable Character: Anna-Maude

After the murder of her uncle and an attempt on her life by a person or persons unknown, Anna-Maude reluctantly accepts the help of an estranged childhood friend, Tony Oxley, in tracking down the killer. She ends being indebted to Tony Oxley for saving her life and bringing her uncle’s murder to justice, six feet under.

Transformable Character: Tony Oxley

After being seriously wounded in Afghanistan, Tony, an Army sniper, returns to where he grew up to mend physically and mentally, hoping never to pick up a gun again as long as he lives. He ends up having to use Sheriff Sergeant Mike William’s gun to kill Owen Cross before he kills Anna-Maude. Not every killing is murder.

Payoffs:

Answers to: Who killed Jack? What happened to Sally? Who killed Eloy? Where are Jack’s Chinese artifacts? Can Anna-Maude and Tony put their differences behind them and work together?

Surprising: Owen Cross is the last person anyone would think of as a murderer, so it’s an incredible surprise to everyone when Kenny accuses him of killing Sally.

Owen does not give up quietly. He dies by Tony’s hand after he takes Anna-Maude hostage in order to get away.

Parting Image/Line:

Owen avoids the Sheriff Deputy’s attempt to arrest him and takes Anna-Maude hostage to ensure his escape.

Tony, who has sworn off guns, appears beside the Sheriff Sergeant and asks for his gun. The Sheriff Sergeant is afraid to shoot at Owen for fear of killing Anna-Maude.

Tony: Either you give it to me, or I’m going to take it.”

The Sheriff Sergeant gives the gun to Tony.

Tony waits for the shot and takes it. BOOM! Owen is dead. Anna-Maude is free and alive.

The whole county is safe from the serial killer, who has been on the loose, hiding in plain sight, for 40 years.

Tony did the right thing

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Connection with Audience

What I learned doing this assignment is this: I can make my characters connect with the audience by making them relatable, intriguing, able to create empathy, and making them likable.

The characters with whom I am going to INTENTIONALLY create a connection with the audience are Anna-Maude and Tony.

Anna-Maude

A. Relatability – I will show her to be relatable by introducing her during Monsoon Season when she has to deal with a rattlesnake in her path. She quickly dispatches the snake, cleans up the mess she’s made, and warns a bystander, Tony, to be on the lookout for another. “Where there’s one there’ll likely be another, she says.

The snake is a metaphor for seemingly unsurmountable obstacles we all face. The fact that she confronts her snake head on is something we all want to do.

B. Intrigue – She is intriguing because she stands her ground with the snake then takes action. Later, we see her at work in the university museum cataloguing room receiving a human skull from Sheriff Sergeant Mike. He wants her to reconstruct the skull’s face, so he might be recognizable and then identifiable. The question is what kind of person takes on snakes and reconstructs human faces. Later, we see her help Tony lift his car’s wheel out of a pothole. Is there anything she can’t do?

C. Empathy – When she discovers her Uncle Jack’s dead body in her farm’s horse corral, she is devastated. We can feel her grief unfolding as she goes through the agony of watching sheriff deputies conduct a crime scene investigation. All of us have lost someone. Most of us have been a victim of crime.

D. Likability – She is likeable because she is a friend of law enforcement and helps them identify the dead by reconstructing their faces. Her friend Stella likes her. So does her dog, Bella, who goes where she goes, even into the cataloguing room at the university museum.

Tony

A. Relatability – We meet him as a bicyclist who is stopping at a convenience store for coffee and a burrito. Many of us are trying to stay fit.

We see the backs of his legs cratered with scars from an IED while he was an Army soldier in Afghanistan. All of us have scars, visible or invisible.

Later, we find out that he has PTSD and just wants to rest but is hindered because his father wants him to investigate his missing sister’s cold case. All of us find ourselves forced into doing something for family even though we can hardly take care of our own business.

B. Intrigue – On the surface, Tony is recuperating from a war injury and PTSD. Under the surface, he has returned to the valley where his sister went missing without a trace at 13 years old and where his mother drowned. Why would he want to recuperate where he has such terrible memories? Will he find out what happened to his sister? Does he have another motive for returning?

C. Empathy – When we see Tony’s visible scars, we feel sorry for him. When we see him intentionally struck by a truck and thrown into an irrigation ditch, we feel frightened for him. When we realize that he likes Anna-Maude, we want him to succeed with her.

D. Likability – He is patient with Delinda, who has a crush on him, even though he isn’t into her. He feeds feral dogs. He saves Anna-Maude from a house fire. We can tell he’s a good guy.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Transformational Structure

What I learned doing this assignment: Using the emotional gradient process really works. Now, I can see how my lead character is going to change over time. In the process, I also realized my B story character also experiences a transformation. This is going to make my story so much better. Yay!!!

1. Transformational Logline:

After the murder of her uncle and an attempt on her life by a person or persons unknown, a self-sufficient woman reluctantly accepts the help of an estranged childhood friend in tracking down the killer.

2. The main character (transformational character) is Anna-Maude Stone, the self-sufficient woman..

Another transformational character is Tony Oxley, Anna-Maude’s estranged childhood friend, who returns to the valley after a 17-year absence.

The Change Agent is Owen Cross, the sniper who killed Anna-Maude’s Uncle Jack, initiating a murder investigation by Sheriff Sergeant Mike Williams.

3. & 4. My Mini-Movie Structure with the Emotional Gradients Identified:

MM #1 – Pages 1 – 15 – Status Quo and Inciting Incident. Our hero’s status quo, his ordinary life, ends with an inciting incident or “call to adventure.”

We start in the woods lining the Rio Grande River. There’s a sniper in the woods. His sights are on Cottonwood Farm where Anna-Maude and Jack live a quiet, simple life, until he shoots Jack in the head and moments later, shoots Jack’s dog Roy, too.

We also meet most of the other main characters in this section:

My hero, Anna-Maude, is shown to be a strong, independent woman, who works her farm and also teaches as an adjunct professor of archaeology at SNMU.

Tony Oxley, a recently discharged Army Veteran, is back in the valley to recover from combat and to look into a cold case for his father. The cold case involves the disappearance of his sister, Sally, 17 years before.

Sheriff Sergeant Mike William meets Anna-Maude at SNMU. He wants her to reconstruct the face of an identified man, whose bones were found in a crag in the Organ Mountains.

We see Archaeology Department Head Quentin Jones spying on Anna-Maude via CCTV and a surveillance app on his mobile phone.

Later, Quentin catches Anna-Maude in the hall and tells her the department’s new tenure-track professorship has been approved and that her adjunct contract will not be renewed. She will be out of a job at the end of summer.

The section ends when Anna-Maude learns from Owen Cross, a prominent rancher in the valley, that her stallion has jumped the fence, and her Uncle Jack is not answering his phone.

Turning point:

Anna-Maude rushes home, where we know she will discover the body of her murdered Uncle Jack.

Change Agent: The unknown shooter.

Transformational Characters: Anna-Maude and, possibly Tony.

Old Ways: Anna-Maude is strong, self-reliant, believes she can take care of herself. Tony, back from a tour of Afghanistan, suffers from PTSD, exhaustion, and wants nothing more to do with a firearm. Against his wishes, his father is pestering him to investigate his sister’s disappearance 17 years before.

The Vision: Anna-Maude says, “I hate monsoon season. Rattlesnakes, ants, centipedes, every kind of horror rising up from the earth. Every year, I pray to God I live through it.”

Challenge: #1 A sniper in the woods has shot Anna-Maude’s Uncle Jack through the head, Jack’s dog, Roy, too. Who is he?

#2. Murl Gayle has painted a cowboy standing on the running board of an old pickup parked on the side of a road in farm country. It’s his only memory from the night Sally disappeared.

#3. Murl Gayle has a second painting, one of Sally and Anna-Maude when they were 13 years old and taking art lessons from him.

#4. Anna-Maude’s going to be out of a job at the end of the summer.

Weaknesses: #1. The sniper gets away. #2. Tony doesn’t recognize the cowboy in the painting. #3. The painting of the girls conjures up unhappy memories for Tony. The agony of losing his sister returns. The sorrow over his behavior toward Anna-Maude resurfaces. #4. Anna-Maude’s troubles are multiplying. Does she have arms long enough to wrap around them all.

MM #2 – Pages 15 – 30 – Locked into Conflict. Our hero’s denial of the call, and his gradually being “locked into” the conflict brought on by this call.

On her way home to Cottonwood Farm, Anna-Maude encounters Tony Oxley and Delinda Cross, Owen Cross’s daughter. Delinda’s dog has run out in front of Tony’s car, causing him to swerve and bury one of his car’s rear wheels up to its axel in a pothole.

Though Anna-Maude and Delinda grew up with Tony, neither recognizes him. He’s different looking from when he was 15 years old.

While she’s helping Tony get his car out of the pothole, Kenny Cross, Delinda’s brother, arrives on the scene with Anna-Maude’s delinquent stallion.

Shortly after arriving home with the stallion in toe, Anna-Maude finds her Uncle Jack’s dead body in the horse corral.

She can’t believe what she’s seeing. “No, no, no!” When she can’t revive him and realizes he’s dead, she calls 911.

Sheriff Deputy Mike Williams, Crime scene technician, Sally Beach, and Deputy Sheriff Umberto Gonzales arrive on the scene.

Anna-Maude goes through Jack’s cabin with Mike. They find Jack’s cellphone and find a clue to a possible motive for Jack’s murder. Turns out, Jack’s dog, Roy, was killing chickens on Pete Calendaria’s chile farm. A text on Jack’s phone reads, “Catch that chicken-killing dog on my property again, I’ll put a bullet in his skull.

Anna-Maude doesn’t believe Pete could kill Jack, but Mike still needs to rule him out.

After Pete leaves, Anna-Maude falls apart. When her friend Stella arrives on the scene, she tells her, “If I had sold up and moved into town when mother died –“

Stella’s response is quick and firm, “Stop it. This isn’t your fault.”

Turning Point:

The section ends with Anna-Maude receiving a phone call from a Chinese woman in San Francisco. Apparently, Jack had Chinese artifacts he wanted authenticated and appraised before he died.

Could the artifacts be the reason Jack died?

Anna-Maude is locked in.

Challenge: Anna-Maude finds Jack’s dead body. Reeling from the tragedy, all she can do is call 911. She’s reminded of a previous tragedy in her life, that of losing her best friend, Sally Oxley, when she disappeared without a trace and the subsequent drowning of Mrs. Oxley.

Weakness: Plagued by guilt all these years, suddenly, she feels Jack’s death is somehow all her fault.

Anger: She throws a pitchfork into the barn wall.

Challenge: Why would anyone want to kill Jack? Sheriff Sergeant Mike Williams suspects Anna-Maude’s neighbor, Pete Candelaria. Anna-Maude resists this notion. “Pete might shoot Roy, but he’d never kill Jack.”

Weakness: Anna-Maude’s prejudice. She has long-held opinions about the people she’s lived around all her life.

Vision: Jack’s killer needs to be found.

MM #3 – Pages 30 – 45 – Hero Tries to Solve the Problem but Fails. Our hero’s first attempts to solve his problem, the first things that anyone with this problem would try, appealing to outside authority to help him. Ends when all these avenues are shut to the hero.

Anna-Maude and Stella pray for Jack.

The story shifts to Tony’s house. Delinda pays him. She has learned who he really is and has returned to talk and drink and laugh and talk some more.

Tony is exhausted, but he lets Delinda in. They drink wine and look at the painting of the cowboy Tony bought from Murl Gayle. The question is, who is the cowboy?

Delinda doesn’t know who the cowboy is, but she knows that Jack is the man carrying a metal detector on Oxley Farm in a photo Tony shows her. She also knows that Jack is dead and tells Tony so.

As far as she is concerned, no one had a reason to kill Jack. Anna-Maude would have been the more likely target.

Tony is puzzled about why anyone would want to kill Anna-Maude, but Delinda can’t give him a clear answer.

Instead, she tells Tony that she’s always wanted to display Murl Gayle’s paintings in her gallery, but he always says no. Tony promises to put in a good word for her.

Later, at the Cross farmhouse, Delinda gives Owen the news that Tony is back in town to run his father’s farm. This riles Owen, who has had his eye on the land for years.

The second bit of news Delinda shares is that of Jack’s murder. Just in time to hear the bad news, Delinda’s drunk mother stumbles in disbelieving that Jack could be dead.

Back at Cottonwood Farm the next morning, Anna-Maude buries Roy. Then she and Stella go through Jack’s cabin getting rid of his things. While in the cabin, Anna-Maude recalls the mention of Chinese artifacts and realizes that they are not in Jack’s possession.

What she does find is a clearing in the dust where they must have been. Maybe the artifacts are the reason Jack was killed.

Switching back to Tony on his bicycle looking at the river and remembering seeing his mother’s dead body being lifted out of the river onto a bridge in a basket litter, Anna-Maude’s trying to comfort him, and his cruel rejection of her. The memory devastates him, “I’m a damn fool.”

The next day, Anna-Maude confronts Tony trespassing in the Oxley farmhouse. Not knowing his true identity, she tells him to leave and then calls 911.

Anna-Maude leaves to search for the bullet that killed Jack.

As Anna-Maude departs, Delinda appears on the scene, she flirts with Tony.

Tony wants to know what Jack was looking for on his property. Together, they start a search, which ends abruptly when Delinda finds a human skull peeking out of the soil.

Mike and Sammy arrive on the scene and a crime scene investigation begins.

Meanwhile, at Anna-Maude’s, while she’s feeding the horses, an Asian man with a dragon tattoo breaks into Anna-Maude’s farmhouse looking for Jack’s Chinese artifacts.

Anna-Maude returns and chases him off.

Turning Point: Standard ways fail.

She’s more convinced than ever that the artifacts are the motive for Jack’s murder, but she’s no closer to knowing where the artifacts are or who is after them.

Challenge: Anna-Maude fends off an intruder, an Asian man she thinks is after Jack’s artifacts.

Vision: The missing Chinese artifacts might be the motive for Jack’s murder. The Asian man might be the murderer and the thief. He must be found.

Challenge: Did the Asian steal the Chinese artifacts after killing Jack? If so, why did he come back and break in to Anna-Maude’s farmhouse? And will he come back if he didn’t find what he was after.

Weakness: Naïve: Anna-Maude is one woman against a murderer. Does she even stand a chance?

Old Ways: Pride: Anna-Maude, living on her own in an empty house on an isolated farm with a murderer on the loose, declares herself capable of taking care of herself. But, can she really defend herself from another break in?

Fear: Tony has another unsatisfactory encounter with Anna-Maude and still has not divulged his true identity.

Challenge: Tony and Delinda discover a human skull on Oxley Farm. Whose skull is it? Sally’s?

Weakness: Fear: Tony is scared the skull might belong to his sister, Sally.

MM #4 – Pages 45 — 60 – Hero Forms a New Plan. Our hero spawns a more grandiose, more extreme plan. He prepares for it, gathers what materials and allies he may need then puts the plan into action—only to have it go horribly wrong, usually due to certain vital information the hero lacked about the forces of antagonism allied against him.

Mike Williams responds to Anna-Maude’s call for help with the break in. He and Anna-Maude speculate whether or not the Asian man already has Jack’s artifacts, and if he already has them, why did he come back. If the artifacts are the motive, is the Asian man the killer. Anna-Maude has doubts.

Anna-Maude makes a drawing of the Asian man, and Mike puts out an APB on him.

The next scene switches to San Francisco’s Chinatown, where Chen Diu and Wu Meili discuss Anna-Maude’s expertise and the value of the artifacts.

When alone, Wu Meili contacts a man and verifies that the artifacts are worth millions and worth the risk to obtain them.

Switching back to the Rio Grande River valley, we see Anna-Maude behind the wheel of her pickup, loaded down with hay and oats, driving through rain. She witnesses a big white dually truck deliberately bump a cyclist into an irrigations ditch. Horrified, she stops the truck, jumps out, and goes to the cyclists rescue.

The cyclist turns out to be Tony Oxley. Anna-Maude takes him home and administers first aid. While she is doing this, she recognizes a scar on Tony’s back and suddenly knows who he is.

She Forms a New Plan:

The next morning after staying with Tony through the night, Anna-Maude notices a gun safe in the house’s dining room. She remembers seeing a sniper tattoo on Tony’s arm and thinks he might be Jack’s murderer. As she’s approaching it, Tony confronts her, accusing her of wanting to rob him. He opens the safe for her and shows her there are no guns inside.

Turning Point: Plan backfires.

He asks her, “You really think I’d kill your uncle for trespassing?”

She responds, “You still blame me for what happened to your mother and to Sally.”

He corrects her, telling her none of it was her fault, and “I’m not a dumb ass kid anymore.”

All the guilt she’d been harboring since childhood is suddenly gone, but if Tony isn’t the killer, who is? Somebody who is still out there.

Vision: Anna-Maude still wants to find Jack’s murderer, and she’s convinced the Chinese artifacts are the motive.

Challenge: Anna-Maude was forced to confront and chase off an intruder in her house.

Weakness: Pride. Fear. When Mike asks her find somewhere else to stay, she still insists she can take care of herself.

Old Ways: Anna-Maude is still hanging onto her pride and strength even if this might lead to her harm.

Challenge: Tony can’t help fear that the bones found on Oxley Farm are the bones of his sister, Sally.

Weakness: Hopelessness. Fear. For Tony, the likelihood that Sally is dead increases.

MIDPOINT: Treating Tony’s wounds, Anna-Maude recognizes one of his scars and suddenly knows who he is. Because of their childhood estrangement and the sniper tattoo on his arm, Anna-Maude suspects Tony of murdering her Uncle Jack. But he convinces her otherwise. He also lays to rest her guilt over being somehow responsible for Sally’s death.

MM #5 – Pages 60 — 75 – HERO RETREATS & THE ANTAGONISM PREVAILS

Having created his plan to solve his problem WITHOUT changing, our hero is confronted by his need to change, eyes now open to his own weaknesses, driven by the antagonist to change or die. He retreats to lick his wounds.

The next day, Tony tells Delinda the artist she admires is willing to show his paintings in her gallery. She’s SO EXCITED.

At the University Camilla Cross, Owen’s wife, identifies the head Anna-Maude’s just finished reconstructing. He’s her boyfriend from high school, Eloy Muñoz, who went missing in the Organ Mountains 40 years ago.

Mike believes the boy was the victim of foul play. This thought frightens Camilla.

Umberto finds Eloy’s cold case files. Turns out Jack and Owen were on the mountain with Eloy when he went over the cliff.

Umberto and Mike go up to the Organs and speculate what could have happened to Eloy. They are pretty convinced that he was hit on the head then rolled over the edge of the cliff. What they don’t have is proof.

Mike tells Umberto, “All we can do is hope someone out there knows something and comes forward.”

Chen Diu and Li Fang visit Anna-Maude the archaeology museum. They have a Li Family book which tells the story of Jack’s Chinese Artifacts. They were sold in the Philippines in the late 1500s to a Manilla Galleon Captain in gratitude from saving him from drowning in Manilla Bay.

During the visit with Chen Diu and Li Fang, Anna-Maude discovers Quentin’s listening device and accuses her Chinese guests of planting it. She tells them that her house was broken into by an Asian man with a dragon tattoo.

The expression on Chen Diu’s face suggests she knows the Asian with the dragon tattoo. She has to verify a few things.

Anna-Maude tells them she’s turning the device over to the Sheriff.

Quentin visits Tony. He wants to take charge of the dig on Oxley Farm.

Turning Point: The decision to change.

Tony wants Anna-Maude to do the dig. He knows her job is in jeopardy, and he wants to help her.

Anna-Maude’s initial response is not to accept the dig, but suddenly, she realizes this is what she must do to give her edge up on her competitors for the tenure-track faculty position that’s just opened up. She accepts the dig. By doing this, she takes a baby step toward accepting outside help.

She and Tony are now both on the bad side of Quentin. He tells Tony, “You’ll regret this. So will Anna-Maude. I’ll see to it.”

New Ways: Tony is reaching out to help Anna-Maude. Anna-Maude is accepting help from Tony.

Vision: While investigating Jack’s murder, Mike and Umberto are also trying to determine what happened to Eloy Muñoz, who now has been identified by Camilla Cross.

Anna-Maude takes on the dig but is still pursuing the Chinese artifacts as the possible motive for Jack’s murder.

Challenge: Mike must rely on someone who knows something to progress Eloy’s case. Weakness: No tangible evidence of foul play.

Challenge: Someone has been surveilling Anna-Maude. What should she make of this? She accuses the Chinese of surveilling her. She tells them about the Asian man breaking into her house, and it seems like Chen Diu may know the man. Anna-Maude doesn’t trust them and turns the listening device over to the Sheriff.

Weakness: Anger. Distrust.

MM #6– Pages 75 – 90 – Hero’s Bigger, Better Plan. Our hero spawns a new plan, but now he’s ready to change. He puts this plan into action…and is very nearly destroyed by it. And then…a revelation.

Chen Diu finds the Asian man with the dragon tattoo and notifies U. S. Customs and Border Protection.

Anna-Maude reconstructs the face of the woman found in the ground on Oxley Farm.

The bullet she found earlier turns out not to have been fired from Pete’s rifle.

Anna-Maude is invited to the art exhibition at Delinda’s gallery. She decides to take Stella with her.

Anna-Maude and Stella go to Delinda’s art gallery exhibition. While there, Anna-Maude views two paintings that take her back to her scarred childhood. One of them is Tony’s painting of the unknown cowboy.

Anna-Maude recognizes the cowboy and remembers the night the painting depicts. The whole business sends her into a tailspin.

Jack’s body is released, and his funeral takes place at the Cathedral. After Jack’s remains are laid to rest, Anna-Maude tells Tony what she knows about the night she saw the cowboy, Owen Cross, and his son, Kenny, in the pickup.

Anna-Maude tells Tony that his sister and Kenny were an item. And that she was always sneaking out of her window to meet him.

Anna-Maude gets closer to identifying the woman dead since the Oñate Expedition.

Turning Point: The ultimate failure.

An arsonist with a crossbow sets Anna-Maude’s farmhouse on fire with her inside it. Tony rescues her just in the nick of time.

The farmhouse burns to the ground, and Anna-Maude is forced to take up residence in Jack’s cabin, accompanied by Tony, who refuses to accept her declaration that she can take care of herself. Clearly she can’t

The next morning, several horse owners show up at Cottonwood Farm to pick up their horses. One of them tells Anna-Maude, “Sorry for the short notice Anna-Maude, but this is the way I see it. The way we all see it. A villain’s got you in his crosshairs. First Jack. Last night, your house. Tomorrow, could be the barn. Can’t afford to take the risk.”

Anna-Maude has lost everything: Her house and her livelihood from boarding horse’s and teaching at the university.

Worse, she’s in the villain’s crosshairs and may have been the intended victim of the shooting instead of Jack.

Challenge: Anna-Maude recognizes the cowboy in the painting. That and the painting of her and Sally send her back to the night Sally disappeared. It was awful then. It’s awful now.

An unknown arsonist burns down Anna-Maude’s house, almost killing her in the process.

The bullet Anna-Maude found is the bullet that killed Jack, but it wasn’t fired from Pete’s gun.

Weakness: Guilt. Vulnerability. Impotence. Jack’s killer is still a t large. Sally’s disappearance is still as big a mystery as it was 17 years before.

MM #7 – Pages 90 – 105 – Crisis and Climax. The revelation allows our hero to see victory, and he rejoins the battle with a new fervor, finally turning the tables on his antagonist and arrives at apparent victory. And then the tables turn one more time!

The revelation allows our hero to see victory, and he rejoins the battle with a new fervor, finally turning the tables on his antagonist and arriving at apparent victory. And then the tables turn one more time!

Anna-Maude agrees to stay with Stella.

Tony will stick around the farm and continue to feed the remaining horses.

The Asian man is arrested by U. S. Customs and Border Protection. He doesn’t have the Chinese artifacts.

Anna-Maude’s and Stella’s research identify the woman from the late 1500s.

The research also confirms that Jack’s artifacts came from the dig on Oxley Farm.

Anna-Maude now believes that Jack stole the artifacts and fears that Jack might have killed Eloy Muñoz as well.

She visits Tony at his rental house to tell him her suspicions when she takes another look at the painting of the cowboy and notices there’s no rose garden.

Anna-Maude and Tony and Pete go to the place that the cowboy painting depicts and start digging up the rose garden.

Turning Point: Apparent victory.

They find a dead body, which turns out to be Sally Oxley, and Anna-Maude finds evidence that suggests the murderer is Owen Cross.

But then, when Mike and Umberto are about to put handcuffs on Owen, he grabs Anna-Maude and takes her hostage.

Challenge: Jack is a thief and might even be a murderer.

Weakness: Anna-Maude’s ashamed.

Challenge: Anna-Maude sees something in the painting of the cowboy that leads her to Sally’s dead body and evidence that points to Owen Cross and Kenny Cross as her killers.

Challenge: Mike and Umberto arrest Kenny Cross, but fail to take Owen.

Weakness: They underestimate Owen.

MM #8 – Pages 105 – 120 – New Status Quo. The hero puts down the antagonist’s last attempt to defeat him, wraps up his story and any sub-plots, and moves into the new world he and his story have created.

Owen takes Anna-Maude hostage.

Delinda betrays Tony by trying to stop him from killing Owen.

Tony shoots Owen as he’s dragging Anna-Maude away.

Kenny is interviewed about his part in Sally’s killing.

Camilla brings Owen’s rifle which she believes killed Jack.

Working together, Anna-Maude and Tony find Jack’s artifacts and arrange to have them authenticated and appraised.

Because they were found on Tony’s land, they belong to him. Anna-Maude’s fine with that. It absolves her of guilt over Jack’s thievery.

Turning Point: New status quo.

The murder is solved. The artifacts are found and promise to be worth a fortune. On top of that, a romantic relationship begins to develop between Anna-Maude and Tony. She’s not alone anymore.

New Way: The estrangement between Anna-Maude and Tony is completely over. They are friends again.

Profound Truth: No crime goes unsolved forever if we can overcome our differences and our desire to assign blame and work together to find the truth.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Three Gradients

What I learned doing this assignment: This process was a real eye-opener. For the first time, I understand what a character’s profound transformation really entails.

I’m so EXCITED!!

1. Emotional Gradient: Forced Change

2. Emotional Gradients:

Denial: At first, Anna-Maude doesn’t believe Jack’s dead. She says, “No, no, no!

Action: Frantically, searching for a pulse and finding none, she calls 911.

Challenge/Weakness: C. She’s experiencing a tragedy, reminiscent of the tragedy of losing her friend, Sally Oxley, who went missing when she was a teenager, and a few days later, witnessing Mrs. Oxley’s drowning. W. Plagued by guilt all these years, suddenly, she feels Jack’s death is somehow all her fault.

Anger: She complains to her best friend, Stella, that she is about to lose her adjunct professorship and now, she’s lost her Uncle Jack, who is such a good guy. She feels like she’s losing everything good in her life.

Action: She throws a pitchfork into the barn wall.

Challenge/Weakness: C. Why would anybody want to kill Jack? He was such a good guy. Sheriff Sergeant Mike Williams suspects Anna-Maude’s neighbor, Pete Candelaria of the murder. She rebukes Mike: “Pete might shoot Roy, Jack’s dog, but he’d never kill Jack. W. Prejudice. She has preconceived opinions about the people who live around her.

Bargaining: Desperate to bring the culprit to justice, she searches for clues.

Action: She discovers that Jack’s Chinese artifacts are missing and deduces they are the reason he was killed, but she can’t find evidence of where Jack purchased them or where they are now. She finds the bullet that killed Jack, but it doesn’t match any known gun.

Challenge/Weakness: C. She discovers that Jack found the Chinese artifacts on Oxley Farm and took them to sell as if they belonged to him. He was a thief, maybe even the one who killed the young man with the face of which she just reconstructed. W. Naivete, foolishness. She’s a fool for believing in Jack’s altruism when he was probably helping her with the farm not out of selflessness, but rather out of willingness to exploit her generosity and kindness for his own gain.

Depression: Mortified, embarrassed, ashamed. This dredges up similar feelings she’s had about herself as a teenager.

Action: she sets out to tell Tony, the owner of the farm where the Chinese artifacts were found, that Jack stole what rightfully belonged to him.

Challenge/Weakness: C. She is challenged to confess Jack’s theft. W. Needs to get rid of her pride.

Acceptance: She decides to believe Tony that what happened in the past was not her fault. She wasn’t responsible for Sally’s disappearance. She wasn’t responsible for Tony’s mother’s drowning. She’s not responsible for Jack’s stealing the artifacts.

Action: She goes to see Tony to tell him everything.

Challenge/Weakness: C. To confess Jack’s theft. W. She still needs to find out who killed Jack and why?

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Answers to the Questions for REMEMBER THE TITANS

For me the most profound moments of the movie were the following:

1.

BOONE

(black coach)

Who’s your daddy?

BERTIER

(white player)

You.

2.

The team meets without the coaches before the Groveton game.

Lastik and Rev take turns quoting the prophet Isaiah to the team.

The meeting ends with the team chanting: We are the Titans, the mighty, mighty Titans!

3.

Captain Bob’s Crab House is a white only restaurant until the Titans, led by Sunshine, enter. Captain Bob wants to kick them out, but Sunshine successfully threatens him with civil rights violations. The Titans sit down. Some of the racist patrons get up and walk out, but a whole lot more patrons stay, singing, “Na na na, hey hey, goodbye.”

It’ s a winning moment.

4.

Yoast and Boone on the sidelines of the final game right after the triumph of the Titans –

YOAST

I could’ve handled the football.

(pause; then)

But I never could have done what you did with those boys. You were the right man for the job, Coach.

BOONE

We’ll prep that defense better next time. We won’t get caught with our pants down and around our ankes again.

YOAST

No we won’t – ‘specially not once we get that offense running up to par.

There’s mutual respect going on there.

For me, these are the most profound lines of the movie:

1.

BOONE

You know where we are – where we been playing our little games? This is Gettysburg. Fifty thousand men died on this ground fighting the same idiotic fight that we’re still fighting amongst ourselves. This green field was painted red, bubbling with young boys blood; smoke, hot lead burning through’em. Listen to their souls cry out: “I killed my brother with malice in my heart. Hatred destroyed my family.” Take a lesson from the dead.

(then)

We must come together on this hallowed ground or we too will be destroyed, just like they were.

2.

YOAST

You want to carry your sinful Pride with you to your grave, that’s your business – but when your sins endanger my little girl, then it becomes mine.

BOONE

My sins!? You think my sins have anything to do with what happened last night!? My only sin is that I’m winning football games in Virginia, wearing the wrong shade of tan!

(cold anger)

I’m sorry your daughter was scared last night… I really am. But she just got a small taste of what my girls’ve been going through every day of their lives.

(pause)

Feels like hell, don’t it – the fear, the anxiety, the constant stomach achin’ pain of it.

(hard smile)

Welcome to my life, Yoast.

3.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

“… the most spectacular display of football I have ever seen. Tonight, the Titans could beat Notre Dame.”

4.

After the Titans qualify for State, on the Boone House porch –

CAROL

What’s the matter, Herman? Can’t you let go? Be happy for one minute of your life?

BOONE

I still feel that cold chill between my shoulders… like I’m being sighted by a sniper’s rifle.

NEIGHBORS

COACH! CONGRATULATIONS! GO TITANS!

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Transformational Journey.

What I learned doing this assignment:

Oddly, as I worked through this assignment, my story’s transformational journey changed.

Now, I see my protagonist’s transformation as a closed rose bud gradually opening until she’s in full bloom.

1. Tell us your logline for the transformational journey.

Lead character with an issue – A self-reliant woman,

Journey – suddenly besieged by a series of setbacks, including the senseless murder of her uncle by an unknown assailant and a subsequent threat to her own life,

Transformation – reluctantly accepts help from a former childhood foe.

2. Tell us what you see as the Old Ways.

Old ways:

Isolated, closed, guarded (careful not to show her feelings or give away information), and reluctant to trust others, ashamed.

3. Tell us what you see as the New Ways.

Transparent, trusting, empathetic, open to new relationships.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s First Three Decisions

What I learned doing this assignment:

In the beginning, I found it difficult to imagine the profound truth I could get across in a murder mystery. I thought about exploring truth, evil, and pride versus humility.

But then I started looking deeper and discovered that I believe evil is often perpetuated by people’s conviction that they do not have the power to stop it: victim mentality.

Then I realized we don’t have to be victims. We can operate from our agency, our real power to affect the future and to influence others to help us.

The result is the following:

1. What is your profound truth?

You don’t have to be a victim.

You were created for better things.

You have the power to affect your future.

2. What is the change your movie will cause with an audience?

The audience will move from feeling helpless to believing in their power to change things.

What is your Entertainment Vehicle that you will tell this story through?

A thrilling murder mystery.

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[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Analysis of Groundhog Day

What I learned doing this assignment:

I learned that giving at least one of the characters a transformational journey can give incredible depth to the story. Groundhog Day isn’t just a comedy, though I laughed a lot, but it’s also a movie about how to use time to live a full and happy life.

1. What is the CHANGE this movie is about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie?

Going from not having enough time in any given day for anybody but himself to living each day like it’s the only day he has left, caring for everyone around him as best he can, especially the woman he loves.

For the audience: From wherever you are to living each day as if it’s your last.

Lead characters:

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1. Who is the Change Agent (the one causing the change) and what makes this the right character to cause the change?

Stephanie is the agent of change. She casts a spell on Phil causing him to repeat Groundhog Day over and over again. She’s the right character to cause the change because she has been a victim of Phil’s selfishness and because she has the power to cast spells is in a position to take her revenge.

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1. Who is the Transformable Character (the one who makes the change) and what makes them the right character to deliver this profound journey?

Phil is the character who makes the change. He’s the right character to deliver this profound journey because he’s the most selfish.

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1. What is the Oppression?

   Not enough time is the Oppression.

2. How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to connect with this story?

We are lured into the profound journey because not having enough time, especially to succeed in our professions without sacrificing those we love or want to love, is something we all struggle with.

Phil believes that he doesn’t have enough time for a real relationship. So do we.

Phil lives the same day over and over and over again. Caught in the work rat race, many of us find ourselves living the same day over and over again, too.

Phil doesn’t see the people around him. Neither do we.

Phil wants to love and be loved. So do we.

3. Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the profound journey?

Phil is the character who is changed the most. He goes from being greedy about time (selfish) to wanting to use the time he has left in the best way possible.

In the conclusion, he opts for a real relationship.

4. What is the gradient the change? What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were changing?

Phil asks himself, what if nothing mattered?

He spends his time “driving fast, getting loaded, and getting laid.

Suddenly, Phil wants to talk to Rita and get to know her better.

He wonders if he’s God.

He starts noticing others. He even notices the bum on the street.

He wants to learn to play the piano.

He starts living each day like it’s the only one he’s got. Groundhog Day is the only day he’s got.

After Phil and Rita experience a genuinely loving kiss, he wakes to a Brand New Day!!

5. How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?

   His old selfish self, who has no time for a real relationship, is challenged by Stephanie, who thinks they have a shot at a real relationship.

Phil’s belief that he has no time for a real relationship is challenged when Stephanie casts a spell on him that traps him in a long winter of Groundhog Days.

Stuck in Groundhog Day, he asks himself what he would he do if there were no consequences to his actions. His answer is to engage in driving fast, getting loaded, and getting laid. The end result is death.

He starts to be aware of his selfish and inconsiderate behavior. Being kinder to his news crew and people around him reap positive benefits.

He realizes that he loves Rita, but because of his reputation as a rounder, he can’t get close to her. Even when he starts to, he makes one boorish mistake after another.

He decides to study Rita. Every day, he learns more about what she likes, what she loves.

He starts noticing everyone around him and realizes he can make a positive difference for everyone he meets.

6. What are the most profound moments of the movie?

Stephanie tells Phil he has no time for anyone but himself.

Stephanie casts a spell on Phil, causing him to relive Groundhog Day again and again throughout a long winter. Ironically, Phil has the same name as the groundhog.

Phil blames the groundhog and sets out to kill him, but the groundhog is protected from public interference at the library and encased in bulletproof glass.

Phil takes care of the bum.

Phil takes an interest in learning to play the piano.

Phil studies Rita.

7. What are the most profound lines of the movie?

   With Stephanie:

Phil: I don’t have time for a real relationship.

Stephanie: You don’t have time for anybody but yourself.

At the end of the movie:

Phil: You can waste time, you can kill time, you can do time, but if you use it wisely, there’s never enough of it. So you’d better make the most of the time you’ve got.

8. How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?

At the beginning of the movie, Phil is all about himself and his career, especially about becoming a bigtime news broadcaster, and has no time for a real relationship.

At the end, Larry, the camera man, never gets through the blizzard, so none of the Phil’s groundhog reports ever made it on the air. He never makes his meeting with the CBS bigwig. But Rita and Phil lived happily ever after.

9. What is the Profound Truth of this movie?

Living a satisfying and happy life is using time wisely, by being aware of those around you, being considerate, being healing, and being loving, not by being selfish and self-centered.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi, Everyone–

My name is Madeleine Vessel.

I have written four scripts and am working on a fifth.

During this class, I hope to learn more about crafting a transformational journey.

I fell in love with the idea of making movies when I was an extra on the movie, THE MISFITS, starring Marilyn Monroe, Clark Gable, and Montgomery Clift.

Currently, I live in New Mexico, which is a movie friendly state.

I look forward to working with you all!

[Madeleine Vessel]

I, Madeleine Vessel, happily AGREE to the group release form below.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Madeleine Vessel]

I, Madeleine Vessel, agree to the following group release form:

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi, Everyone –

My name is Madeleine Vessel. I’ve written 3 plus scripts.

Right now, I’m working on a thriller. I hope this class will help me up the action in it.

I fell in love with movies when I was a child extra in THE MISFITS, starring Marilyn Monroe, Clark Gable, and Montgomery Clift.

I look forward to working with you all!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel is ready to exchange feedback.

Title: LEGACY OF THIEVES

Genre: Thriller

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Finished Wordsmithing!

What I learned doing this assignment is wordsmithing delayed to the end allows more creativity to happen. I also found that the six-step editing process turned up more errors than I could have guessed. I particularly like the read it backwards step, very effective!

The most important improvement I made to my script was to eliminate unnecessary description. I discovered several lines to delete as I read the script backward.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel Has Amazing Description!

What I learned doing this assignment is there’s always room for improvement in description no matter how many passes I make.

The Description Chart is a handy tool. I’m going to apply it to a thriller screenplay I’ve just completed.

During this pass, I improved Yelena Tebieva’s description to show that she’s come down in the world.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel Has Great Introductions!

What I learned doing this assignment is making passes over my descriptions in the areas of character introduction, world introduction, and irony adds interest and intrigue to my script.

Improving the character introduction of Yelena Tebieva is the most important improvement I made. Once a popular woman, who hobnobbed with Moscow’s rich and powerful, she is now reduced to being an elderly Russian tour guide. Ironic, if I do say so myself.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Description!!

What I learned doing this assignment is that I already have a pretty strong descriptive content. I made a few changes, but overall, everything is in present tense, mostly “show, don’t tell.”, and written through action images.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel Has Great Dialogue!

What I learned doing this assignment is that every pass I make improves the dialogue. Using the dialogue chart, I was able to sharpen the dialogue in several places. I also eliminated lines of dialogue.

At this point, I have tweeks, not big Before and After examples.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Dialogue 7 – 8

What I learned doing this assignment is how easy it is to add dialogue as action and dialogue as subtext. I’m loving this.

ADDED DIALOGUE AS ACTION:

No. 1

They pack the paintings into two portfolios.

ALEKSEI

There should be four.

KAZIMIR

I checked… Double checked.

ALEKSEI

Okay. Let’s go.

The last line of Aleksei’s dialogue is a direct order and, therefore, dialogue as action.

No. 2

A jittery Kazimir appears at Sophie’s open bedroom door.

KAZIMIR

Someone’s coming. A woman.

Aleksei gestures for Kazimir to be silent.

They hear the FRONT DOOR OPEN.

Kazimir goes for the 10mm under his jacket.

As he brings up the gun, the barrel end of Aleksei’s .357 Smith & Wesson presses into his temple.

ALEKSEI

Give it to me.

Slowly, Kazimir releases his finger from the trigger.

Alexei takes the gun.

In the passage above, Aleksei’s dialogue is a direct order, and, therefore, dialogue in action.

No. 3

Bill holds up a set of keys.

BILL

I need to check out Falisa’s storage unit. I want you with me.

SOPHIE

Me? Why?

BILL

(impatient)

Because it’s my job to keep an eye on you…

(kind)

…because two pair of eyes are better than one.

In this passage, Bill orders Sophie to accompany him to Falisa’s storage locker.

ADDED DIALOGUE AS SUBTEXT:

No. 1

SOPHIE

So this is Vitaly Burundukov… Why is he down as a donor?

OLIVIA

He gave $50,000 to the museum and facilitated the loan agreement with the Tretyakov Gallery. The exhibition wouldn’t have happened without him.

Both study Burundukov’s photograph.

OLIVIA

(sighing)

Handsome, charming, and generous.

SOPHIE

Almost too good to be true.

Sophie’s as line of dialogue, ”Almost too good to be true.”, reveals below the surface that Sophie is not a trusting person.

No. 2

AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS —

Koshechka MEOWS and rubs against the railing.

KAZIMIR

A fucking cat.

Aleksei motions for Kazimir to be silent and stay put.

KAZIMIR

Yeah, yeah.

Aleksei turns away.

Kazimir kicks the MEOWING cat.

The cat’s SCREAM reverberates around the dark house.

Aleksei whirls, confronts Kazimir.

KAZIMIR

Okay, okay.

In this passage, Kazimir’s dialogue reveals what he is below the surface, a psychopath.

No. 3

Hannah sets the pie-a-la-mode in front of Bill and takes the chair across from him.

BILL

Thanks Mom. For coming on such short notice, for making pie, for everything.

HANNAH

It’s what I do.

(beat)

Tell me the plan.

BILL

(between bites)

I’ll be lecturing on organized crime. One week in London. Three weeks in Moscow. Then home.

HANNAH

At least this time, you’re not going into a war zone.

BILL

You worry too much.

HANNAH

I’m your mother.

(beat)

It’s two years since Alice died.

BILL

I know.

HANNAH

Lucy still misses her mother.

BILL

I’m doing my best.

HANNAH

I just want to see you two happy.

Bill takes the last bite of his pie.

BILL

We’re getting there.

Hannah takes his plate and fork to the sink.

HANNAH

(with her back to him)

Any interesting women in your life?

BILL

Mom, we’re good the way we are.

This added exchange is loaded with subtext. Hannah is worried about Lucy and Bill. She wants them to move on from Alice’s death. Alice was Bill’s wife and Lucy’s mother. Hannah is being interfering, but Bill resists with “Mom, we’re good the way we are.”

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Dialogue 1 + 2

What I learned doing this assignment is how to use Attack/Counterattack dialogue spices up scenes

SCENE (Before and After)

Before, the scene with Yelena talking to the FSB Operative, Oleg Yurchenko was civil. I changed it to Yelena taking umbrage at Oleg and him retreating. Works so much better now.

BEFORE

OLEG

It is not uncommon for an adult woman estranged from her birth mother to desire reconciliation. She may reach out to you. If she does, contact us at once.

YELENA

I know my civic duty.

OLEG

Of course, I intended no offense.

AFTER

OLEG

It is not uncommon for an adult woman estranged from her birth mother to desire reconciliation. She may reach out to you. If she does —

YELENA

I know my civic duty.

OLEG

Of course, I intended no offense.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Completed P/S Grid #2

What I learned doing this assignment is how to focus on individual scenes and solve problems in the following areas:

· Missed the Outline in Some Places

· Not Enough Empathy/Distress

· Character Intros not Strong

· Characters We Don’t Care About

· Weak Protagonist or Antagonist

· Characters Need More Depth

· Scenes that are Not Intriguing

· Weak Scenes

· Situations don’t Challenge Characters

· Exposition Instead of Reveals

· When do I Reveal What?

· Cliché Scenes, Actions, or Dialogue

I solved problems with character depth and with exposition instead of reveals.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Completed P/S Grid #1

What I learned doing this assignment is how to restructure the script using the P/S Grid #1.

I used the BW TV P/S Grid to solve any problems I could for this draft.

1. Using the BW TV P/S Grid, I am first going to improve my acts’ structure. I’m going to look at the midpoint. It should come after Act 2 at about page 33.

The midpoint shows Bill and Sophie visiting Zhora in the hospital. Zhora’s not only recovering from surgery, but he’s agitated and worried about Sophie. He begs her to be careful. She reminds him that she is always careful. The real world conflict is this: Zhora is a professional spy, used to noticing anything that’s out of place, and he made a fatal mistake. If he can make such a mistake, how safe can Sophie be?

2. Next, I’ll take a look at the Teaser (pages 1-6). The teaser introduces the viewer to the history of the painting the thieves are intent on finding, Sophie’s work of cleaning and evaluating art, and her relationship with Zhora. The mystery is how did Falisa come by Old Russian Masters? What secrets did Pasha take to his grave? Is Sophie right about the painting being the work of Ivan Aivazovsky?

3. Next, I’ll look at Act 1 (pages 6-17). Here the viewer sees Sophie in her ordinary world as an art history scholar, which covers her real identity as a Russian defector wanted by Russia’s FSB.

4. Act 2 (pages 17-33). During Act 2, Sophie confronts the thieves in her house. She sees Aleksei clearly before she runs away. By the same token, he knows what she looks like, too. The setup to expose the cover occurs at the end of Act 2 when in Moscow, Sophie’s mother is approached by Oleg, and he takes a photo of Sophie as a 4-year-old little girl.

5. Act 3 (pages 33-43). Sophie reels from the break-in and the realization that the paintings are stolen property from the time of the Bolshevik Revolution.

6. Act 4 pages 43-56) Sophie gets kidnapped by one of the thieves, who will let her go if she turns over the Aivazovsky painting. Bill tells her she can no longer keep the Aivazovsky painting. It’s not safe.

7. Act 5 (pages 56 – 67) Cliffhanger. Sophie’s is going to Moscow to find the legitimate owner of the Aivazovsky painting. Moscow is where her mother, who can’t be trusted, lives. Unbeknownst to Sophje, her mother now knows what she looks like as an adult and could recognize her if they happen to cross paths.

I’ve tweaked each of the acts until I think I have the basic elements of the Teaser and 5 acts in place. The story still is rough, but I’m confident that it will be better in the future.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel Has Finished Act 4 + 5

Doing this assignment, I ran into trouble. My outline was not thick enough to complete more than 40 pages of the screenplay. I need to do some rethinking. More development is needed.

This is where Rule 4 really came into play.

Rated B: Rule 4: Allow yourself to start (or continue) without all the answers.

I need to do more self-talk using this rule.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Finished Act 3

Doing this assignment, I learned that despite my thick outline, I still have holes in the story. The great thing is I’m figuring out how to fill them.

Rating of My Use of the High Speed Writing Rules

A. Consistently use.

B. Some use.

C. Need to start using.

Rated B: Rule 1: Use empowering self-talk. Cheer yourself on.

Rated A: Rule 2: Understand writing in drafts.

Rated A: Rule 3: Choose speed over quality for EARLY drafts.

Rated B: Rule 4: Allow yourself to start (or continue) without all the answers.

Rated B: Rule 5: Keep moving. Don’t allow yourself to ever stall out.

Rated B: Rule 6: Even if you can’t create it now, you will be able to at some point in the future.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Finished Act 2

Doing this assignment, I learned how to speed up my writing. I did find myself doing quite a lot of editing, though, because I had already written many of the scenes previously.

Rating My Use of the High Speed Writing Rules

A. Consistently use.

B. Some use.

C. Need to start using.

Rated C: Rule 1: Use empowering self-talk. Cheer yourself on.

Rated A: Rule 2: Understand writing in drafts.

Rated B: Rule 3: Choose speed over quality for EARLY drafts.

Rated B: Rule 4: Allow yourself to start (or continue) without all the answers.

Rated B: Rule 5: Keep moving. Don’t allow yourself to ever stall out.

Rated B: Rule 6: Even if you can’t create it now, you will be able to at some point in the future.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Finished Act 1 First Draft

Doing this assignment, I learned that I can make things happen in a much shorter time using the High Speed Writing Rules.

The first draft is coming along. So far, so good.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s High Speed Writing

Doing this assignment, I realized that my teaser was too short, so I incorporated the first part of Act 1. This seems right.

Because I had already done quite about of writing of this section, I didn’t need to use many of the high speed writing in this section. I’m sure this will change in Act 1.

It’s exciting to have the first draft of the teaser done.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Dialogue 4 – 6

What I learned doing this assignment is by going over the dialogue multiple times, using various dialogue techniques, I can make the dialogue much more interesting. Before this, I didn’t realize how complex dialogue can be or how many ways it can move the story forward.

A bonus is that I find other ways to improve the story with each pass I make. Yay!

Setup/Payoff

SOPHIE

Oh, Papa.

Bill holds out his handkerchief.

Sophie takes it.

SOPHIE

Thank you.

She blows her nose.

SOPHIE

Does he know about Falisa?

BILL

He was there. He knows.

SOPHIE

Who would do this?

BILL

Russians. They might have known Zhora from before.

SOPHIE

(wary)

Before?

BILL

Before he defected.

SOPHIE

Exactly who are you to my father?

BILL

Officially, I’m his handler. Otherwise, I’m his friend.

SOPHIE

C-I-A?

Bill shows her his credentials and badge.

BILL

F-B-I Special Agent Bill Hillman.

Sophie looks down at Zhora.

SOPHIE

So he’s not really a translator.

BILL

He is a translator. A very good one. It’s a perfect cover.

Anticipatory Dialogue

ZHORA

The painting has been in a cardboard box in a self-storage unit for 20 years. No one would be so careless with a masterpiece.

SOPHIE

If she knew what she had. You know Papa, if it’s genuine —

ZHORA

Stop… I see it now. A publication in a prestigious journal, a new line on your curriculum vitae, elevation to faculty tenure, and –

SOPHIE

The slightest thing she knows could point me in the right direction.

ZHORA

Falisa is cooking me lunch today. If she agrees to an interview, I’ll text you.

SOPHIE

Thank you, Papa.

Ironic Dialogue

Olivia hands Sophie an elegant envelope.

OLIVIA

Your invitation to the opening reception.

Sophie opens the invitation.

SOPHIE

Two tickets?

OLIVIA

In case you want to bring someone.

SOPHIE

Only if someone tall and handsome sweeps me off my feet before then.

OLIVIA

How likely is that? The only people you associate with are nuns… Doesn’t that worry you?

[Madeleine Vessel]

MADELEINE VESSEL’S Outline With Intrigue

Doing this assignment, I learned I can make my outline more intriguing by making a pass that highlights the main intrigue in each scene and then names the open loops, mystery, empathy/distress, payoff, irony, and setups for each scene.

CURRENT OUTLINE

Teaser:

EXT. THE BLACK SEA DURING A STORM – DAY (1846): INTRIGUING WORLD/SECRET IDENTITY

A man stands on the poop deck of an Imperial Russian Navy Ship of the Line watching a lifeboat, overflowing with survivors, rolling and pitching in high waves, moving toward him from a stricken sailing ship. He makes a frame around the scene with his hands.

Start: Black Sea during a stormChallenging Situation: A sailing ship with crew and passengers is in danger of sinking.Conflict: The Russian Navy Ship of the Line struggles to let down a lifeboat and rescue team in the wind and high seas,Action: Full of survivors, the lifeboat valiantly pulls away from the doomed sailing ship.Finish: The man on the poop deck watching the lifeboat pull away from the doomed sailing ship place makes a frame around the scene with his hands.Open Loop: The man is introduced without a name.Mystery: Who is the man on the poop deck?Empathy/Distress: Lifeboat full of survivors pulling away from the doomed sailing ship.Payoff: Irony: Setup: The man forms a frame around the scene with his hand.

INT. ART STUDION OIN THEODOSIA – DAY (A MONTH LATER): MYSTERY

Dressed in an artist’s smock and breeches, the man applies finishing touches to the same powerful rescue scene, rendered in oil on canvas.

Start: Same man from the poop deck applies finishing touches to a painting of the rescue at sea.Challenging Situation: Recreating the powerful rescue scene.Conflict: Action: Applying paint to canvas.Finish: The painting is powerful. Even a novice would recognize it as a masterpiece.Open Loop: Mystery: Who is the man? Empathy/Distress: Payoff: The framed scene now is an oil painting on canvas.Irony: Setup:

Act 1:

INT. LONE MOUNTAIN COLLEGE – FACULTY OFFICE – DAY (PRESENT): INTRIGUING WORLD

Holding a soft bristle brush, a hand in a surgical glove dusts the same painting, now obscured by an accumulation of grime and discolored varnish. The hand belongs to Dr. Sophie Wolf.

Start: A gloved hand holding a soft bristle brush dusts the same painting, no obscured by an accumulation of grime and discolored varnish. The hand belons to Dr. Sophie Wolf.Challenging Situation: Removing the dust from a painting without harming it.Conflict: Action: Sophie looking through the eyepiece of a digital camera sees the outer covering of dirt and old varnish moves to the background while the original artwork moves to the foreground. Suddenly, she puts down the camera and brushes dirt away from the artist’s signature. The painting is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky.Finish: Sophie calls her father, Zhora, on her mobile phone.Open Loop: Mystery: Whose hand cleans the painting? Who is Ivan Aivazovsky?Empathy/Distress: Payoff: The painting is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky.Irony: Setup:

INT. ZHORA’S APARTMENT – SAME

Zhora sits at a dining room table ,which doubles as his desk, translating a Russian document into English. Koshechka, al loafing cat, sprawls on top of the table amid the computer, printer, books, and papers. Zhora’s phone rings.

INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION between Sophie and Zhora: MYSTERY

Sophie asks Zhora, her father, about the painting she’s cleaning. It’s signed by Ivan Aivazovsky, one of the world’s best seascape painters. Zhora tells her it belonged to Pasha, Falisa’s deceased husband. He was a man who had secrets and who took all of them to the grave. They arrange to meet at Falisa’s to discuss her other paintings.

Start: Sophie tells Zhora the painting she’s cleaning for Falisa, Zhora’s fiancée, is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky.Challenging Situation: Conflict: Zhora argues against Sophie’s theory that the painting is a genuine masterpiece by Ivan Aivazovsky. When she wants to more about the painting, he tells her it belonged to Falisa’s deceased husband, Pasha, who took all his secrets to his grave.Action: Talking on the telephone.Finish: Zhora warns Sophie to tell no one of her suspicions. ”Trust no one.” Sophie promises to keep the painting safe.Open Loop: Is the painting a genuine Ivan Aivazovsky?Mystery: Who is Pasha? What secrets did he take to his grave?Empathy/Distress: Zhora is worried Sophie may have told someone else about the possible value of the painting.Payoff: Irony: Sophie never trusts anyone.Setup: Lunch date with Falisa to further discuss her oil paintings.

INT. LONE MOUNTAI COLLEGE – SOPHIE’S FACULTY OFFICE – DAY: MYSTERY

Sophie conducts an Internet search of Aivazovsky sales. If genuine, the painting could be worth more than $5 million.

Start: Sophie conducts an Internet search for Ivan Aivazovsky. If genuine, the painting she’s cleaning is worth over $5 million.Challenging Situation: She has in her possession possibly a very valuable painting that should be under guard somewhere.Conflict: Is the painting really by Ivan Aivazovsky?Action: Internet searchFinish: Mobile phone rings. Her friend, Olivia Carr, wants to show her the Russian Art Exhibition catalog.

· Open Loop: Is the painting really by Ivan Aivazovsky?

· Mystery: What is “Immortal Movement”? Who was Demyan Sazanov?

Empathy/Distress: She’s a bit worried about having a $5 million painting in her office without any safeguards.Payoff: Irony: Setup: Olivia wants to show Sophie the newly delivered Russian Art Exhibition catalog.

INT. LONE MOUNTAIN COLLEGE – SOPHIE’S FACULTY OFFICE – DAY

Sophie dusts the back of the Aivazovsky painting. She finds a line of Cyrillic script that translates to, “Rescue at Sea. For Demyan Sazanov, a seaman in the Imperial Russian Navy and a man of valor – 1846.” She finds these words carved into the canvas’s wooden frame: “Immortal Movement.” Introduces museum curator, Olivia Carr. She calls Sophie and arranges to pick her up for a lunch meeting.

Start: Olivia Carr, a San Francisco museum curator and Sophie’s friend, wants to show Sophie an art exhibition catalog,Challenging Situation: What does Sophie do with a possibly valuable painting while she’s out with Olivia?Conflict: Sophie doesn’t want to break away from what she’s doing, but Olivia Carr ends the call before Sophie can say no.Action: Sophie is examining the painting. Olivia is walking and driving.Finish: Sophie hides the painting in a secret drawer under the top of her worktable.Open Loop: Will the painting be safe in the drawer? What is the meaning of Immortal Movement?Mystery: Who was Demyan Sazanov?Empathy/Distress: Sophie’s worried about the safety of the painting.Payoff: She finds out the words Immortal Movement.Irony: Setup: Meeting with Olivia.

INT. PIER 39 RESTAURANT – DAY: MYSTERY

Over lunch, Sophie waits for a text from Zhora while she and Olivia discuss the Russian Art Exhibition both are working on. During their conversation, Vitaly Burundukov and Logan Johnson are introduced. There is also the mention of delegates from the Russian consulate being invited to the exhibition. We find out that Sophie’s scholarship is behind the Russian Art Exhibition. We also learn that she doesn’t want much personal publicity. It’s curious. Why not?

Start: Sophie and Olivia sit at a table sipping wine, nibbling Italian bread, and perusing copies of the Russian Exhibition catalog.Challenging Situation: Olivia gives Sophie an invitation for two to the Russian Art Exhibition’s opening reception. Sophie can take a guest if she wants, but she doesn’t know anyone. The only people she associates with are nuns.Conflict: Olivia would have listed Sophie’s major achievements and her photo in the catalog because it’s on Sophie’s scholarship that the exhibition is based.Action: Eating, perusing the catalog.Finish: Olivia asks Sophie if it worries her that the only people she associates with are nuns.Open Loop: Why doesn’t Sophie want publicity? Who is coming to the exhibition from the Russian Consulate?Mystery: Who is Vitaly Burundukov? Who is Logan Johnson? Empathy/Distress: Sophie doesn’t know anyone to take to the exhibition. The only people she hangs out with are nuns.Payoff: Irony: Setup: Will she find a date for the exhibition?

Act 2:

INT. FALISA’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY: INTRIGUING WORLD

Aleksei Lukin and Kazimir Nasonov pack three of Falisa’s Old Russian Masters into two portfolios. There should be four. They are missing one and they are worried about it.

Zhora and Falisa surprise them in the act of stealing the paintings. Kazimir fatally shoots Falisa and seriously wounds Zhora. The two get away with the paintings in a black SUV while their victims lie on the ground bleeding.

Start: Aleksei Lukin and Kazimir Nasonov are in Falisa’s living room packing three unframed paintings into portfolios.Challenging Situation: There should be four paintings. What are Aleksei and Kazimir going to do about not finding the fourth.Conflict: Aleksei is angry with Kazimir for shooting Zhora and Falisa.Action: Kazimir fires his silenced 10mm Smith & Wesson, fatally wounding Falisa and critically injuring Zhora.Finish: Aleksei and Kazimir speed away from Falisa’s house in a black SUV.Open Loop: Where will they find the fourth painting?Mystery: How did the art thieves know about Falisa’s paintings?Empathy/Distress: Kazimir shoots and kills Falisa and shoots and badly injures Zhora.Payoff: Irony: Setup: Bleeding bodies of Zhora and Falisa are waiting to be discovered.

INT. SF INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – DAY: MYSTERY

We meet Vitaly Burundukov and his French model girlfriend, Aimee La Roux heading for the terminal exit.

We also meet FBI Agent Bill Hillman and his ten-year-old daughter, Lucy, there to meet Bill’s mother, Hannah. She is coming for a visit to babysit Lucy while Bill is in Russia giving a talk on organized crime.

Bill receives a telephone call from San Francisco Police Detective Dave Sharp, who is seeing Zhora into an ambulance. Dave found Bill’s card on Zhora and made the call to let him know Zhora thinks the shooters were enemies from his past and that Zhora’s worried about his daughter.

Bill tells Dave he’s headed for the hospital and that he’ll take care of Sophie.

Start: Introducing Vitaly Burundukov and his French model girlfriend, Aimee La Roux.Challenging Situation: Bill hears from San Francisco Police Detective Dave Sharp that Zhora has been critically injured by Russian shooters and Falisa’s been killed. Dave tells Bill that Zhora thinks the shooters were enemies from his past.Conflict: Does Bill take Hannah and Lucy home, or does he go directly to the hospital where his informant lying near death.Action: Removing luggage from the baggage carousel.Finish: Bill tells Dave he’ll take care of Sophie.Open Loop: Bill is on his way to the hospital.Mystery: Is Bill law enforcement?Empathy/Distress: Bill learns that Zhora’s in critical condition.Payoff: Irony: Setup: Bill’s heading for the hospital.

Act 3:

EXT. SF PARKING LOT – DAY: CONSPIRACY

Aleksei and Kazimir turn over the stolen paintings to Iosif Emin. Iosif is angry that there was a confrontation that ended in shooting.

Iosif sends Aleksei and Kazimir to break into Zhora’s apartment with the objective of finding and stealing the fourth painting.

Start: Introduces Iosif Emin. He’s the one giving orders to Aleksei and Kazimir.Challenging Situation: Iosif receives only three stolen paintings. Where is the fourth?Conflict: Iosif is furious that there was gunplay and Zhora and Falisa were shot.Action: Transferring paintings from SUV to Iosif’s car. Aleksei receives a photo of Zhora and his home address with instructions from Iosif to find the fourth painting. It must be at Zhora’sFinish: Iosif warns them, “No more collateral damage.Open Loop: Is the missing painting in Zhora’s apartment?Mystery: Is Iosif calling the shots, or is someone more senior doing so?Empathy/Distress: No more collateral damage threatens Kazimir’s life.Payoff: Irony: Setup: Aleksei and Kazimir are headed for Zhora’s apartment.

INT. ZHORA’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY – WOUND

Sophie arrives in Zhora’s hospital room and finds him in critical condition. He’s accompanied by FBI Agent Bill Hillman, who is watching out for him.

Sophie learns that Zhora has not been entirely truthful with her. Ignoring their U. S. Witness Protection Program restrictions, Zhora has been working for Bill as an informant, putting himself in jeopardy of being identified by FSB.

Bill tells Sophie that he will protect her.

Start: Sophie arrives at Zhora’s hospital room. There she meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman.Challenging Situation: Sophie finds out that Zhora is not just a Russian translator. He’s also been working as an informant for Bill, putting them all at risk of being found out by the FSB.Conflict: Bill tells Sophie he will take care of her. She tells him she can take care of herself.Action: Talking around hospital bed. Finish: Bill takes a seat outside Zhora’s hospital room to protect him against another attempt at his life.Open Loop: Is Zhora still in jeopardy?Mystery: Who are Zhora’s enemies from the past?Empathy/Distress: Zhora’s in critical condition. Sophie’s worried. Did FSB shoot Zhora?Payoff: Irony: Setup: Bill promises to protect Sophie.

INT. ZHORA’S AND SOPHIE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT: INTRIGUING WORLD

Aleksei and Kazimir break into Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment. They search the place for the missing painting.

They are surprised in the act by Sophie’s return home.

Start: Aleksei and Kazimir break into Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment and turn off the alarm.Challenging Situation: They need to shut off the alarm before it sounds.Conflict: Aleksei and Kazimir argue over how to treat the cat, Koshechka.Action: Aleksei searches the house. Kazimir opens the gate down the backstairs for a quick get awayFinish: Aleksei and Kazimir hear Sophie’s key turning in the door lock.Open Loop: Sophie is walking into a burglary in progress.Mystery: Will the art thieves find what they are looking for?Empathy/Distress: What will happen to Koschechka? Payoff: Irony: Setup: Will Sophie confront the burglars?

Act 4:

INT. ZHORA’S AND SOPHIE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT: IMMINENT THREAT

Returning home, Sophie realizes there are intruders in the apartment and calls Bill for help, but he doesn’t pick up. Sophie is on her own.

She bumps into Aleksei and sees his face as he and Kazimir are making their escape. It’s a terrifying experience that ends with her falling down the stairs onto Bill who is arriving late.

Bill and Sophie search the apartment to find out what the intruders were after. They conclude the intruders probably were not FSB and they might be art thieves after Falisa’s painting.

Bill sees a photo of Yelena Tebieva and learns that she is Sophie’s mother. He hopes with every fiber of his being that Zhora has not been in contact with his wife since he arrived in the U. S. She could point the FSB to Zhora’s and Sophie’s whereabouts.

Start: Sophie returns home to find intruders (Aleksei and Kazimir) in her and Zhora’s apartmentChallenging Situation: She calls Bill for help but he doesn’t pick up. She’s on her own with the intruders.Conflict: Bill goes to access Zhora’s safe. Sophie tells him she doesn’t have the combination. Bjut he already knows it by heart.Action: She bumps into Aleksei, sees his face, backs away, falls down the stairs, and lands on Bill.Finish: Sophie realizes that the intruders were art thieves, not FSB. They were after the fourth Old Russian Master.Open Loop: Will Sophie survive her encounter with the intruders? Aleksei and Kazimir know where Sophie lives. Mystery: Will Bill come to save Sophie/Empathy/Distress: She’s on her own with the intruders because Bill doesn’t respond to her call for help.Payoff: Bill does arrive.Irony: Setup: Were the intruders art thieves or FSB?

Act 5:

INT. FALISA’S HOUSE – NIGHT: INTRIGUING WORLD

Bill and Sophie break into Falisa’s house to find out whether her paintings are stolen.

The paintings are gone.

The conclusion is that the shooters were art thieves, not FSB.

Bill finds a key to a unit at Ocean Beach Self Storage in Falisa’s kitchen and pockets it.

Start: Sophie and Bill break into Falisa’s house, still cordoned off with crime scene tape.Challenging Situation: They need to find out whether Falisa’s paintings are missing without attracting the attention of the police.Conflict: Action: Breaking and entering, searching Falisa’s house.Finish: Bill finds a key to a unit at Ocean Beach Self Storage in Falisa’s house.Open Loop: Mystery: What’s in Falisa’s self-storage unit?Empathy/Distress: They worry breaking into Falisa’s house because it’s still a police crime scene.Payoff: The paintings are gone. The shooters are art thieves, not FSB.Irony: Setup: Bill has the key to the self-storage unit. Obviously, he’ll be going there soon.

EXT. ZHORA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT: INTRIGUING WORLD

Bill takes Sophie home. He’s afraid the thieves might return, but Sophie reasons that they already know that the painting is not there.

He makes sure Sophie is locked into her apartment and leaves for home.

Start: Bill drops Sophie off at home. She finds Koshechka.Challenging Situation: Should Bill leave her all alone, knowing the art thieves are still on the loose.Conflict: Sophie insists that the art thieves already know the painting they are looking for is not in her apartment.Action: Finding and picking up Koshechka. Bill making sure the door is bolted.Finish: Bill and Sophie saying goodnight to one another through a bolted door.Open Loop: Will the art thieves find the missing painting.Mystery: Who are the art thieves?Empathy/Distress: The art thieves know where Sophie lives.Payoff: Irony: Setup: Bill already shows signs of caring about Sophie.

INT. BILL’S HOUSE – NIGHT: WOUND

Bill puts Lucy to bed.

Bill and Hannah eat in the kitchen over pie and coffee. We find out that Bill is a widower, that Hannah wants to see him and Lucy happy, and that Bill is okay being a single dad.

Start: Bill puts Lucy to bed. Challenging Situation: Hannah is trying to encourage Bill to find a new mate. He’s happy the way things are.Conflict: Bill tells Lucy to put her mobile phone away. She doesn’t want to and sulks.Action: Bill kissing Lucy goodnight. Hannah serving Bill coffee and pie.Finish: Bill tells his mother, “We’re good the way we are.”Open Loop: Will Bill and Sophie get together?Mystery: How did Bill’s wife die?Empathy/Distress: It turns out Bill is a widower?Payoff: Irony: Setup:

INT. ZHORA’S HOUSE – NIGHT: WOUND

Sophie sits on her bed holding a photograph of Zhora, worrying about whether or not he will live or die.

Start: Sophie sitting on her bed holding a photograph of Zhora.Challenging Situation: Sophie is afraid of losing Zhora. “Please be okay, Papa.”Conflict: Action: Finish: Sophie holds Zhora’s photograph.Open Loop: Will Zhora live or die?Mystery: Empathy/Distress: Sophie’s afraid of losing Zhora.Payoff: Irony: Setup:

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Scene Requirements

What I learned doing this assignment is every scene must contain a start, a challenging situation, a conflict, action, and a finish. Most of my scenes contain all these, but some still need work. It’s challenging.

Current Beat Sheet

Teaser:

EXT. THE BLACK SEA DURING A STORM – DAY (1846)

A man stands on the poop deck of an Imperial Russian Navy Ship of the Line watching a lifeboat, overflowing with survivors, rolling and pitching in high waves, moving toward him from a stricken sailing ship. He makes a frame around the scene with his hands.

Start: Black Sea during a stormChallenging Situation: A sailing ship with crew and passengers is in danger of sinking.Conflict: The Russian Navy Ship of the Line struggles to let down a lifeboat and rescue team in the wind and high seas,Action: Full of survivors, the lifeboat valiantly pulls away from the doomed sailing ship.Finish: The man on the poop deck watching the lifeboat pull away from the doomed sailing ship place makes a frame around the scene with his hands.

INT. ART STUDION OIN THEODOSIA – DAY (A MONTH LATER)

Dressed in an artist’s smock and breeches, the man applies finishing touches to the same powerful rescue scene, rendered in oil on canvas.

Start: Same man from the poop deck applies finishing touches to a painting of the rescue at sea.Challenging Situation: Recreating the powerful rescue scene.Conflict: Action: Applying paint to canvas.Finish: The painting is powerful. Even a novice would recognize it as a masterpiece.

Act 1:

INT. LONE MOUNTAIN COLLEGE – FACULTY OFFICE – DAY (PRESENT)

Holding a soft bristle brush, a hand in a surgical glove dusts the same painting, now obscured by an accumulation of grime and discolored varnish. The hand belongs to Dr. Sophie Wolf.

Start: A gloved hand holding a soft bristle brush dusts the same painting, no obscured by an accumulation of grime and discolored varnish. The hand belons to Dr. Sophie Wolf.Challenging Situation: Removing the dust from a painting without harming it.Conflict: Action: Sophie looking through the eyepiece of a digital camera sees the outer covering of dirt and old varnish moves to the background while the original artwork moves to the foreground. Suddenly, she puts down the camera and brushes dirt away from the artist’s signature. The painting is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky.Finish: Sophie calls her father, Zhora, on her mobile phone.

INT. ZHORA’S APARTMENT – SAME

Zhora sits at a dining room table ,which doubles as his desk, translating a Russian document into English. Koshechka, al loafing cat, sprawls on top of the table amid the computer, printer, books, and papers. Zhora’s phone rings.

Start: Sophie tells Zhora the painting she’s cleaning for Falisa, Zhora’s fiancée, is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky.Challenging Situation: Conflict: Zhora argues against Sophie’s theory that the painting is a genuine masterpiece by Ivan Aivazovsky. When she wants to more about the painting, he tells her it belonged to Falisa’s deceased husband, Pasha, who took all his secrets to his grave.Action: Talking on the telephone.Finish: Zhora warns Sophie to tell no one of her suspicions. ”Trust no one.” Sophie promises to keep the painting safe.

INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION between Sophie and Zhora.

Sophie asks Zhora, her father, about the painting she’s cleaning. It’s signed by Ivan Aivazovsky, one of the world’s best seascape painters. Zhora tells her it belonged to Pasha, Falisa’s deceased husband. He was a man who had secrets and who took all of them to the grave. They arrange to meet at Falisa’s to discuss her other paintings.

Start: Sophie tells Zhora the painting she’s cleaning for Falisa, Zhora’s fiancée, is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky.Challenging Situation: Conflict: Zhora argues against Sophie’s theory that the painting is a genuine masterpiece by Ivan Aivazovsky. When she wants to more about the painting, he tells her it belonged to Falisa’s deceased husband, Pasha, who took all his secrets to his grave.Action: Talking on the telephone.Finish: Zhora warns Sophie to tell no one of her suspicions. ”Trust no one.” Sophie promises to keep the painting safe.

INT. LONE MOUNTAI COLLEGE – SOPHIE’S FACULTY OFFICE – DAY

Sophie conducts an Internet search of Aivazovsky sales. If genuine, the painting could be worth more than $5 million.

Start: Sophie conducts an Internet search for Ivan Aivazovsky. If genuine, the painting she’s cleaning is worth over $5 million.Challenging Situation: She has in her possession a very valuable painting that should be under guard somewhere.Conflict: Is the painting really by Ivan Aivazovsky?Action: Turning the painting backward on the easel she finds a line of Cyrillic script that translates to this: Rescue at Sea. For Demyan Sazanov, a seaman in the Imperial Russian Navy and a man of valor – 1846. Then carved into the wooden frame, she sees “Immortal Movement” and jots the words into her notebook.Finish: Mobile phone rings. Her friend, Olivia Carr, wants to show her the Russian Art Exhibition catalog.

INT. SAN FRANCISCO MUSEUM – DAY

Sophie dusts the back of the Aivazovsky painting. She finds a line of Cyrillic script that translates to, “Rescue at Sea. For Demyan Sazanov, a seaman in the Imperial Russian Navy and a man of valor – 1846.” She finds these words carved into the canvas’s wooden frame: “Immortal Movement.” Introduces museum curator, Olivia Carr. She calls Sophie and arranges to pick her up for a lunch meeting.

Start: Olivia Carr, curator at a noteworthy, San Francisco museum, wants to show an art exhibition catalog to Sophie.Challenging Situation: What does Sophie do with a possibly valuable painting while she’s out with Olivia/Conflict: Sophie doesn’t want to break away from what she’s doing, but Olivia Carr ends the call before Sophie can say no.Action: Sophie is examining the painting. Olivia is walking and driving.Finish: Sophie hides the painting in a secret drawer under the top of her worktable.

INT. LONE MOUNTAIN COLLEGE – SOPHIE’S FACULTY OFFICE – DAY

INT. PIER 39 RESTAURANT – DAY

Over lunch, Sophie and Olivia discuss the Russian Art Exhibition both are working on. During their conversation, Vitaly Burundukov and Logan Johnson are introduced. There is also the mention of delegates from the Russian consulate being invited to the exhibition. We find out that Sophie’s scholarship is behind the Russian Art Exhibition. We also learn that she doesn’t want much personal publicity. It’s curious. Why not?

Start: Sophie and Olivia sit at a table sipping wine, nibbling Italian bread, and perusing copies of the Russian Exhibition catalog.Challenging Situation: Olivia gives Sophie an invitation for two to the Russian Art Exhibition’s opening reception. Sophie can take a guest if she wants, but she doesn’t know anyone. The only people she associates with are nuns.Conflict: Olivia would have listed Sophie’s major achievements and her photo in the catalog because it’s on Sophie’s scholarship that the exhibition is based.Action: Eating, perusing the catalog.Finish: Olivia asks Sophie if it worries her that the only people she associates with are nuns.

Act 2:

INT. FALISA’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY

Aleksei Lukin and Kazimir Nasonov pack three of Falisa’s Old Russian Masters into two portfolios. There should be four. They are missing one and they are worried about it.

Zhora and Falisa surprise them in the act of stealing the paintings. Kazimir fatally shoots Falisa and seriously wounds Zhora. The two get away with the paintings in a black SUV while their victims lie on the ground bleeding.

Start: Aleksei Lukin and Kazimir Nasonov are in Falisa’s living room packing three unframed paintings into portfolios.Challenging Situation: There should be four paintings. What are Aleksei and Kazimir going to do about not finding the fourth.Conflict: Aleksei is angry with Kazimir for shooting Zhora and Falisa.Action: Kazimir fires his silenced 10mm Smith & Wesson, fatally wounding Falisa and critically injuring Zhora.Finish: Aleksei and Kazimir speed away from Falisa’s house in a black SUV.

INT. SF INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – DAY

We meet Vitaly Burundukov and his French model girlfriend, Aimee La Roux heading for the terminal exit.

We also meet FBI Agent Bill Hillman and his ten-year-old daughter, Lucy, there to meet Bill’s mother, Hannah. She is coming for a visit to babysit Lucy while Bill is in Russia giving a talk on organized crime.

Bill receives a telephone call from San Francisco Police Detective Dave Sharp, who is seeing Zhora into an ambulance. Dave found Bill’s card on Zhora and made the call to let him know Zhora thinks the shooters were enemies from his past and that Zhora’s worried about his daughter.

Bill tells Dave he’s headed for the hospital and that he’ll take care of Sophie.

Start: Introducing Vitaly Burundukov and his French model girlfriend, Aimee La Roux.Challenging Situation: Bill hears from San Francisco Police Detective Dave Sharp that Zhora has been critically injured by Russian shooters and Falisa’s been killed. Dave tells Bill that Zhora thinks the shooters were enemies from his past.Conflict: Does Bill take Hannah and Lucy home, or does he go directly to the hospital where his informant lying near death.Action: Removing luggage from the baggage carousel.Finish: Bill tells Dave he’ll take care of Sophie.

Act 3:

EXT. SF PARKING LOT – DAY

Aleksei and Kazimir turn over the stolen paintings to Iosif Emin. Iosif is angry that there was a confrontation that ended in shooting.

Iosif sends Aleksei and Kazimir to break into Zhora’s apartment with the objective of finding and stealing the fourth painting.

Start: Introduces Iosif Emin. He’s the one giving orders to Aleksei and Kazimir.Challenging Situation: Iosif receives only three stolen paintings. Where is the fourth?Conflict: Iosif is furious that there was gunplay and Zhora and Falisa were shot.Action: Transferring paintings from SUV to Iosif’s car. Aleksei receives a photo of Zhora and his home address with instructions from Iosif to find the fourth painting. It must be at Zhora’sFinish: Iosif warns them, “No more collateral damage.

INT. ZHORA’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Sophie arrives in Zhora’s hospital room and finds him in critical condition. He’s accompanied by FBI Agent Bill Hillman, who is watching out for him.

Sophie learns that Zhora has not been entirely truthful with her. Ignoring their U. S. Witness Protection Program restrictions, Zhora has been working for Bill as an informant, putting himself in jeopardy of being identified by FSB.

Bill tells Sophie that he will protect her.

Start: Sophie arrives at Zhora’s hospital room. There she meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman.Challenging Situation: Sophie finds out that Zhora is not just a Russian translator. He’s also been working as an informant for Bill, putting them all at risk of being found out by the FSB.Conflict: Bill tells Sophie he will take care of her. She tells him she can take care of herself.Action: Talking around hospital bed. Finish: Bill takes a seat outside Zhora’s hospital room to protect him against another attempt at his life.

INT. ZHORA’S AND SOPHIE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Aleksei and Kazimir break into Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment. They search the place for the missing painting.

They are surprised in the act by Sophie’s return home.

Start: Aleksei and Kazimir break into Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment and turn off the alarm.Challenging Situation: They need to shut off the alarm before it sounds.Conflict: Aleksei and Kazimir argue over how to treat the cat, Koshechka.Action: Aleksei searches the house. Kazimir opens the gate down the backstairs for a quick get awayFinish: Aleksei and Kazimir hear Sophie’s key turning in the door lock,

Act 4:

INT. ZHORA’S AND SOPHIE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Returning home, Sophie realizes there are intruders in the apartment and calls Bill for help, but he doesn’t pick up. Sophie is on her own.

She bumps into Aleksei and sees his face as he and Kazimir are making their escape. It’s a terrifying experience that ends with her falling down the stairs onto Bill who is arriving late.

Bill and Sophie search the apartment to find out what the intruders were after. They conclude the intruders probably were not FSB and they might be art thieves after Falisa’s painting.

Bill sees a photo of Yelena Tebieva and learns that she is Sophie’s mother. He hopes with every fiber of his being that Zhora has not been in contact with his wife since he arrived in the U. S. She could point the FSB to Zhora’s and Sophie’s whereabouts.

Start: Sophie returns home to find intruders (Aleksei and Kazimir) in her and Zhora’s apartmentChallenging Situation: She calls Bill for help but he doesn’t pick up. She’s on her own with the intruders.Conflict: Bill goes to access Zhora’s safe. Sophie tells him she doesn’t have the combination. Bjut he already knows it by heart.Action: She bumps into Aleksei, sees his face, backs away, falls down the stairs, and lands on Bill.Finish: Sophie realizes that the intruders were art thieves, not FSB. They were after the fourth Old Russian Master.

Act 5:

INT. FALISA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Bill and Sophie break into Falisa’s house to find out whether her paintings are stolen.

The paintings are gone.

The conclusion is that the shooters were art thieves, not FSB.

Bill finds a key to a unit at Ocean Beach Self Storage in Falisa’s kitchen and pockets it.

Start: Sophie and Bill break into Falisa’s house, still cordoned off with crime scene tape.Challenging Situation: They need to find out whether Falisa’s paintings are missing without attracting the attention of the police.Conflict: Action: Breaking and entering, searching Falisa’s house.Finish: Bill finds a key to a unit at Ocean Beach Self Storage in Falisa’s house.

EXT. ZHORA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Bill takes Sophie home. He’s afraid the thieves might return, but Sophie reasons that they already know that the painting is not there.

He makes sure Sophie is locked into her apartment and leaves for home.

Start: Bill drops Sophie off at home. She finds Koshechka.Challenging Situation: Should Bill leave her all alone, knowing the art thieves are still on the loose.Conflict: Sophie insists that the art thieves already know the painting they are looking for is not in her apartment.Action: Finding and picking up Koshechka. Bill making sure the door is bolted.Finish: Bill and Sophie saying goodnight to one another through a bolted door.

INT. Bill’s House – Night

Bill puts Lucy to bed.

Bill and Hannah eat in the kitchen over pie and coffee. We find out that Bill is a widower, that Hannah wants to see him and Lucy happy, and that Bill is perfectly happy to be a single dad.

Start: Bill puts Lucy to bed. Challenging Situation: Hannah is trying to encourage Bill to find a new mate. He’s happy the way things are.Conflict: Bill tells Lucy to put her mobile phone away. She doesn’t want to and sulks.Action: Bill kissing Lucy goodnight. Hannah serving Bill coffee and pie.Finish: Bill tells his mother, “We’re good the way we are.”

INT. ZHORA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Sophie sits on her bed holding a photograph of Zhora, worrying about whether or not he will live or die.

Start: Sophie sitting on her bed holding a photograph of Zhora.Challenging Situation: Sophie is afraid of losing Zhora. “Please be okay, Papa.”Conflict: Action: Finish: Sophie holds Zhora’s photograph.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Setting Up The Future

What I learned doing this assignment is

List of Events/Characters Reveals/Under the surface info that COULD BE SET UP IN THE PILOT.

· Villain: Vitaly Burundukov (Oligarch; Art Thief)

· Villain: Grigoriy Petrov (FSB)

· Sophie’s mother Yelena Tebieva

· Wealthy Australian Logan Johnson (He’ll show up later in the first series as the owner of an old Russian estate called

· Sophie’s best friend, Olivia.

· Art thieves Aleksei Lukin and Kazimir Nasonov.

· Iosif Emin, Art thief

· Lucy, Bill’s daughter.

· Aimée La Roux, Vitaly’s girlfriend.

· San Francisco Police Detective David Sharp

· Koshechka, Zhora’s and Sophie’s cat.

· A key to a unit at Ocean Beach Self Storage

· The fact that Bill is a widower.

· On the back of the Aivazovsky painting is written, Rescue at Sea for Demyan Sazanov.

· Carved into the frame of the Aivazovsky are the words, Immortal Movement. This will later show up as the name of a resistance group trying to keep Russia’s art from being sold out of the country.

I ended up incorporating all set-ups and introductions in the pilot except mentioning that Bill is a widower.

OUTLINE VERSION 6 with set-ups and introductions incorporated

Opening

Ivan Aivazovsky on a Russian Navy Ship of the Line watching a rescue at sea.

Act 1

Essence: Opens with (S) cleaning an Ivan Aivazovsky painting that belongs to Falisa, her father’s fiancée. (S) is an art history professor and painter, who cleans paintings on the side.

Surface: Ivan is a passenger on a Russian Ship of The Line (1846), who witnesses a dramatic rescue of passengers from a sinking sailing ship.

Layer beneath: The painting Sophie is cleaning depicts the rescue at sea seen by Ivan.

How revealed: Underneath dirt and cracked varnish, the painting is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky, the official painter of the Imperial Russian Navy and the greatest seascape painter of all time.

Main Mystery: Was the painting S is cleaning painted by Ivan Aivazovsky?

Sub-Mysteries:

· Who is Ivan Aivazovsky?

· Who is Pasha?

· How did he come to have four Old Russian Masters?

· What other secrets did Pasha die with?

Main Open Loop: Will the Ivan Aivazovsky painting be safe in Sophie’s faculty office?

Sub-Open Loops

· What is Zhora’s relationship with Falisa?

· Why does Sophie trust no one?

· Who is Olivia Carr?

· What’s Sophie’s role in the Russian Art Exhibition?

Introduce Koshechka, Zhora’s and Sophie’s cat. Koshechka will show up later when the art thieves break into Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment.

Set up Demyan Sazanov by showing this on the back of the Aivazovsky painting, Rescue at Sea for Demyan Sazanov. Later, Sophie will determine the painting was stolen from Demyan’s estate.

Set up: Carved into the frame of the Aivazovsky are the words, Immortal Movement. This will later show up as the name of a resistance group trying to keep Russia’s art from being sold out of the country.

Introduce: Sophie’s best friend, Olivia, who will later betray Sophie for the love of Vitaly.

Act 2

Essence: Sophie’s scholarship is the basis for the Russian Art Exhibition. Private donors around the world, such as Vitaly Burundukov and Logan Johnson, are making the exhibition possible.

Intrigue: At a lunch meeting with Olivia, when Sophie learns that Russian dignitaries from the consulate have been invited to the Russian Art Exhibition reception makes Sophie recoil.

Extreme Consequences: Sophie will have to be gracious to Russian dignitaries who are likely also FSB and who might recognize her as her mother’s daughter. She and her mother, Yalena, look so similar.

Surface: Sophie is the scholar behind the Russian Art Exhibition.

Layer Beneath: Sophie doesn’t want her major achievements and photograph published?

How Revealed: To satisfy Olivia, Sophie says, “Less is more.”

How Revealed: When we learn that Sophie and Zhora are in the U. S. Witness Protection Program.

Main Mystery: Who are Aleksei and Kazimir, the Russian shooters?

Sub-Mysteries:

· How did the shooters gain access to Falisa’s house?

· Why did they enter armed?

· What was the shooters motive for shooting Zhora and Falisa?

· Is Iosif Emin the calling the shots in the art thefts?

Main Open Loop: How did the Russian shooters know about Falisa’s paintings?

Sub-Open Loops:

· How did the shooters know there should be four paintings when there are only three?

· How far will they go to get their hands on the fourth painting?

Midpoint: Zhora and Falisa are shot in front of Falisa’s house.

Introduce wealthy Australian Logan Johnson (He’ll show up later in the first series as the owner of the old Russian estate from which Rescue at Sea was stolen.

Introduce the villain, Vitaly Burundukov (Oligarch; Art Thief)

Introduce the villain, Grigoriy Petrov (FSB)

Introduce: – Aleksei Lukin and Kazimir Nasonov, the Russian shooters who wounded Zhora and killed Falisa. They will show up later as the art thieves that break into Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment.

Introduce: Iosif Emin, Art thief

Introduce: Lucy, Bill’s daughter.

Introduce: Aimée La Roux, Vitaly’s girlfriend.

Act 3

Essence: The art thieves need all four paintings. They believe Zhora has the fourth in his possession.

Intrigue: Iosef tells Aleksei and Kazimir to break into Zhora’s apartment and find the painting without any confronting or killing anyone else.

Surface: On the surface, Iosef is calling the shots.

Layer Beneath: Vitaly Burundukov is really the top dog.

Intrigue: Zhora tells San Francisco Police Department Detective Sergeant Dave Sharp he thinks the shooters are enemies from his past.

Secret: Zhora has been hiding the fact that he’s not just a Russian language translator, but he is also working as an FBI informant.

Betrayal: Zhora’s working with the FBI without her knowing is a betrayal. Sophie can’t help wondering about what else he’s been up to that might have exposed them to FSB.

Undeserved misfortune: Sophie doesn’t deserve the pain Zhora’s lie is causing her.

Zhora hurts Sophie whom he loves. It’s important to Zhora to work against the Russians no matter the consequences.

(S) meets (B) in (Z’s) hospital room. She learns that Bill is an FBI Agent and that (Z) is his informant. It shocks (S) to realize that (Z) hasn’t been living by the rules of witness protection.

Surface: Professor Sophie Wolf is a modest academic, whose scholarship informs the Russian Art Exhibit entitled, Russian Master Paintings, 1870-1925, and whose credits are minimal.

Layer beneath: Sophie does not advertise her credentials because she is trying to avoid being identified by Russia’s FSB.

How revealed: Sophie’s U. S. Witness Protection Status is revealed when she visits Zhora in the hospital and meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman, who tells her Zhora thinks the shooters were enemies from his past.

Turning Point: (S Turning Point 1) Sophie learns that (Z) believes the shooters were FSB. The ramifications of this are too terrible for (S) to contemplate. Either, they will be on the run from FSB, or they will be forced to reenter witness protection under new names and occupations.

Crucible: Sophie’s and Zhora’s crucible is the U. S. Witness Protection Program.

(B) promises to take care of (Z) and (S).

Main Mystery: Who are the Russian Shooters? Are they FSB? Are they art thieves? Or are they both?

Sub-Mysteries

· If the shooters are FSB, how did they find out Zhora’s and Sophie’s true identities?

· If the shooters are FSB, will Zhora and Sophie have to assume new identities and start over their lives again?

Main Open Loop: If the shooters are FSB, will Zhora and Sophie have to assume new identities and start over their lives again?

Sub-Open Loops:

· Will the shooters try to kill Zhora in the hospital?

· Will the shooters try to kill Sophie?

· Are the Russian shooters enemies from Zhora’s FSB past?

· If the shooters are FSB, will they stage another attack on Zhora and Sophie?

· Will Zhora and Sophie need to start over in the U. S. Witness Protection Program?

Introduce: San Francisco Police Detective David Sharp. Later, he will take over the art theft investigation.

Act 4

Essence: The art thieves enter Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment to find the missing painting.

Intrigue: Russian thieves break into Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment and turn off the burglar alarm.

Intrigue: They search the house but do not find the painting. Sophie comes home while the thieves still are in the apartment.

Intrigue: Sophie enters front door of her apartment and finds the burglar alarm off.

(S Midpoint) (S) returns home to find the alarm off. There’s an intruder in the house. She calls (B), but he doesn’t pick up. She investigates on her own and comes face-to-face with one of the intruders, who get away down the back stairs.

Exposed: Sophie coming face-to-face with one of the intruders exposes her to him and him to her. It must be terrifying for both of them. Maybe, Aleksei can become a more fleshed out person, one who suffers for Sophie and with her.

Betrayal: Bill, who has promised to protect Sophie, doesn’t answer his phone when she calls him for help.

Intrigue: Sophie collides with one of the intruders. Before she flees, his face is burned into her memory.

Turning Point: Sophie falls down the stairs and lands on Bill, who is arriving at the apartment.

Emotional Dilemma: Will Sophie trust Bill who is late showing up?

(S and B Turning Point) (B) and (S) find nothing in her apartment that would draw FSB. They do find that the intruders seem very interested in (S’s) paintings. This prompts (S) to think the Russians might be art thieves, not Russians.

(B) finds nothing that would draw FSB, but he does notice that the Russian intruders seemed very interested in (S’s) paintings.

Intrigue: Sophie and Bill search her apartment for what the Russians were after.

Intrigue: The only things they seemed interested in are Sophie’s paintings.

Intrigue: Sophie remembers she’s been cleaning one of Falisa’s paintings, likely an Old Russian Master.

Intrigue: Sophie tells Bill she thinks the Russians were art thieves, not FSB operatives.

Main Mystery: Will the Russians kill Sophie?

Sub-mysteries:

· Will the Russians find the missing fourth painting?

· Will Sophie run into the thieves?

· Will the thieves kill Sophie?

· Will Bill arrive in time to save Sophie?

· Why didn’t the intruder shoot Sophie?

· What were the intruders looking for?

· Why were the intruders interested in Sophie’s paintings?

· Were the intruders FSB or something else entirely?

Main Open Loop: The Russians don’t find the painting in Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment. Will they keep looking for it?

Sub-Open Loops:

· Where will the Russians look next for the missing fourth painting?

· Will the Russian intruders return to Sophie’s and Zhora’s apartment?

· Is it safe for Sophie to stay in her apartment?

· Will the intruders return?

· Can Bill really be trusted to keep Sophie safe?

· Will the intruders turn out to be FSB or art thieves?

Act 5

Essence: (B) and (S) form an alliance to find out the real reason the Russians shot (Z) and Falisa. They determine the shooters were art thieves, not FSB. Bill takes Sophie with him to Falisa’s house to verify whether or not her Old Russian Masters have been stolen.

(S) reveals that she has been cleaning one of Falisa’s paintings in her faculty office and that the painting may well be an Old Russian Master. I could be that the Russians were after that painting.

Surface: Vitaly Burundukov is a wealthy Russian businessman and donor to Sophie’s Russian Art Exhibit.

Layer beneath: Vitaly Burundukov is the art thief bent on obtaining Falisa’s paintings.

How revealed: At the end of season 1, Sophie catches Vitaly trying to sell stolen Old Russian Masters worth millions.

(S and B midpoint) (S) and (B) find all Falisa’s paintings gone. The Russians are determined art thieves, not FSB.

Now, the pressure is on (B) to identify the Russians, so (S) and (Z) will not attract public attention and, by extension, FSB attention.

Surface: Zhora and Falisa are shot by Russians. Zhora thinks they are enemies from his FSB past.

Layer beneath: The Russians are really art thieves at Falisa’s house to steal her Old Russian Master.

How revealed: At night, Sophie and Bill sneak behind the crime scene tape at Falisa’s house and verify that her Old Russian Masters are gone.

Intrigue: Sophie and Bill sneak into Falisa’s cordoned off house and find her paintings missing.

Turning Point: All Falisa’s paintings are gone. The Russian shooters are art thieves, not FSB operatives.

Main Mystery: Are the Russians FSB, or are they art thieves.

Sub-Mysteries:

· How do the art thieves know where Zhora lives?

· How much does the art thief know about Sophie?

· Who’s pulling the art thieves’ strings?

Main Open Loop: Who is behind the theft of Falisa’s paintings?

Sub-Open Loops

· What will the art thief do with Falisa’s paintings?

· Will he come after Sophie to find the missing painting?

Introduce: Sophie’s mother Yelena Tebieva, whom Sophie remarkably resembles.

Set up: A key to a unit at Ocean Beach Self Storage, where Bill and Sophie will find an important diary in the next episode.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Adding Empathy/Distress!

What I learned doing this assignment is I can create more empathy and distress in the viewer/reader by incorporating the seven big picture ways into as many emotional situations as possible: and then making the situations worse.

OUTLINE VERSION 5, incorporating more empathy and distress

Opening

Ivan Aivazovsky on a Russian Navy Ship of the Line watching a rescue at sea.

Act 1

Essence: Opens with (S) cleaning an Ivan Aivazovsky painting that belongs to Falisa, her father’s fiancée. (S) is an art history professor and painter, who cleans paintings on the side.

Surface: Ivan is a passenger on a Russian Ship of The Line (1846), who witnesses a dramatic rescue of passengers from a sinking sailing ship.

Layer beneath: The painting Sophie is cleaning depicts the rescue at sea seen by Ivan.

How revealed: Underneath dirt and cracked varnish, the painting is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky, the official painter of the Imperial Russian Navy and the greatest seascape painter of all time.

Main Mystery: Was the painting S is cleaning painted by Ivan Aivazovsky?

Sub-Mysteries:

· Who is Ivan Aivazovsky?

· Who is Pasha?

· How did he come to have four Old Russian Masters?

· What other secrets did Pasha die with?

Main Open Loop: Will the Ivan Aivazovsky painting be safe in Sophie’s faculty office?

Sub-Open Loops

· What is Zhora’s relationship with Falisa?

· Why does Sophie trust no one?

· Who is Olivia Carr?

· What’s Sophie’s role in the Russian Art Exhibition?

Act 2

Essence: Sophie’s scholarship is the basis for the Russian Art Exhibition. Private donors around the world, such as Vitaly Burundukov and Logan Johnson, are making the exhibition possible.

Intrigue: At a lunch meeting with Olivia, when Sophie learns that Russian dignitaries from the consulate have been invited to the Russian Art Exhibition reception makes Sophie recoil.

Extreme Consequences: Sophie will have to be gracious to Russian dignitaries who are likely also FSB and who might recognize her as her mother’s daughter. She and her mother, Yalena, look so similar.

Surface: Sophie is the scholar behind the Russian Art Exhibition.

Layer Beneath: Sophie doesn’t want her major achievements and photograph published?

How Revealed: To satisfy Olivia, Sophie says, “Less is more.”

How Revealed: When we learn that Sophie and Zhora are in the U. S. Witness Protection Program.

Main Mystery: Who are Aleksei and Kazimir, the Russian shooters?

Sub-Mysteries:

· How did the shooters gain access to Falisa’s house?

· Why did they enter armed?

· What was the shooters motive for shooting Zhora and Falisa?

· Is Iosif Emin the calling the shots in the art thefts?

Main Open Loop: How did the Russian shooters know about Falisa’s paintings?

Sub-Open Loops:

· How did the shooters know there should be four paintings when there are only three?

· How far will they go to get their hands on the fourth painting?

Midpoint: Zhora and Falisa are shot in front of Falisa’s house.

Act 3

Essence: The art thieves need all four paintings. They believe Zhora has the fourth in his possession.

Intrigue: Iosef tells Aleksei and Kazimir to break into Zhora’s apartment and find the painting without any confronting or killing anyone else.

Surface: On the surface, Iosef is calling the shots.

Layer Beneath: Vitaly Burundukov is really the top dog.

Intrigue: Zhora tells San Francisco Police Department Detective Sergeant Dave Sharp he thinks the shooters are enemies from his past.

Secret: Zhora has been hiding the fact that he’s not just a Russian language translator, but he is also working as an FBI informant.

Betrayal: Zhora’s working with the FBI without her knowing is a betrayal. Sophie can’t help wonder what else he’s been up to that might have exposed them to FSB.

Undeserved misfortune: Sophie doesn’t deserve the pain Zhora’s lie is causing her.

Zhora hurts Sophie whom he loves. It’s important to Zhora to work against the Russians no matter the consequences.

(S) meets (B) in (Z’s) hospital room. She learns that Bill is an FBI Agent and that (Z) is his informant. It shocks (S) to realize that (Z) hasn’t been living by the rules of witness protection.

Surface: Professor Sophie Wolf is a modest academic, whose scholarship informs the Russian Art Exhibit entitled, Russian Master Paintings, 1870-1925, and whose credits are minimal.

Layer beneath: Sophie does not advertise her credentials because she is trying to avoid being identified by Russia’s FSB.

How revealed: Sophie’s U. S. Witness Protection Status is revealed when she visits Zhora in the hospital and meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman, who tells her Zhora thinks the shooters were enemies from his past.

Turning Point: (S Turning Point 1) Sophie learns that (Z) believes the shooters were FSB. The ramifications of this are too terrible for (S) to contemplate. Either, they will be on the run from FSB, or they will be forced to reenter witness protection under new names and occupations.

Crucible: Sophie’s and Zhora’s crucible is the U. S. Witness Protection Program.

(B) promises to take care of (Z) and (S).

Main Mystery: Who are the Russian Shooters? Are they FSB? Are they art thieves? Or are they both?

Sub-Mysteries

· If the shooters are FSB, how did they find out Zhora’s and Sophie’s true identities?

· If the shooters are FSB, will Zhora and Sophie have to assume new identities and start over their lives again?

Main Open Loop: If the shooters are FSB, will Zhora and Sophie have to assume new identities and start over their lives again?

Sub-Open Loops:

· Will the shooters try to kill Zhora in the hospital?

· Will the shooters try to kill Sophie?

· Are the Russian shooters enemies from Zhora’s FSB past?

· If the shooters are FSB, will they stage another attack on Zhora and Sophie?

· Will Zhora and Sophie need to start over in the U. S. Witness Protection Program?

Act 4

Essence: The art thieves enter Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment to find the missing painting.

Intrigue: Russian thieves break into Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment and turn off the burglar alarm.

Intrigue: They search the house but do not find the painting. Sophie comes home while the thieves still are in the apartment.

Intrigue: Sophie enters front door of her apartment and finds the burglar alarm off.

(S Midpoint) (S) returns home to find the alarm off. There’s an intruder in the house. She calls (B), but he doesn’t pick up. She investigates on her own and comes face-to-face with one of the intruders, who get away down the back stairs.

Exposed: Sophie coming face-to-face with one of the intruders exposes her to him and him to her. It must be terrifying for both of them. Maybe, Aleksei can become a more fleshed out person, one who suffers for Sophie and with her.

Betrayal: Bill, who has promised to protect Sophie, doesn’t answer his phone when she calls him for help.

Intrigue: Sophie collides with one of the intruders. Before she flees, his face is burned into her memory.

Turning Point: Sophie falls down the stairs and lands on Bill, who is arriving at the apartment.

Emotional Dilemma: Will Sophie trust Bill who is late showing up?

(S and B Turning Point) (B) and (S) find nothing in her apartment that would draw FSB. They do find that the intruders seem very interested in (S’s) paintings. This prompts (S) to think the Russians might be art thieves, not Russians.

(B) finds nothing that would draw FSB, but he does notice that the Russian intruders seemed very interested in (S’s) paintings.

Intrigue: Sophie and Bill search her apartment for what the Russians were after.

Intrigue: The only things they seemed interested in are Sophie’s paintings.

Intrigue: Sophie remembers she’s been cleaning one of Falisa’s paintings, likely an Old Russian Master.

Intrigue: Sophie tells Bill she thinks the Russians were art thieves, not FSB operatives.

Main Mystery: Will the Russians kill Sophie?

Sub-mysteries:

· Will the Russians find the missing fourth painting?

· Will Sophie run into the thieves?

· Will the thieves kill Sophie?

· Will Bill arrive in time to save Sophie?

· Why didn’t the intruder shoot Sophie?

· What were the intruders looking for?

· Why were the intruders interested in Sophie’s paintings?

· Were the intruders FSB or something else entirely?

Main Open Loop: The Russians don’t find the painting in Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment. Will they keep looking for it?

Sub-Open Loops:

· Where will the Russians look next for the missing fourth painting?

· Will the Russian intruders return to Sophie’s and Zhora’s apartment?

· Is it safe for Sophie to stay in her apartment?

· Will the intruders return?

· Can Bill really be trusted to keep Sophie safe?

· Will the intruders turn out to be FSB or art thieves?

Act 5

Essence: (B) and (S) form an alliance to find out the real reason the Russians shot (Z) and Falisa. They determine the shooters were art thieves, not FSB. Bill takes Sophie with him to Falisa’s house to verify whether or not her Old Russian Masters have been stolen.

(S) reveals that she has been cleaning one of Falisa’s paintings in her faculty office and that the painting may well be an Old Russian Master. I could be that the Russians were after that painting.

Surface: Vitaly Burundukov is a wealthy Russian businessman and donor to Sophie’s Russian Art Exhibit.

Layer beneath: Vitaly Burundukov is the art thief bent on obtaining Falisa’s paintings.

How revealed: At the end of season 1, Sophie catches Vitaly trying to sell stolen Old Russian Masters worth millions.

(S and B midpoint) (S) and (B) find all Falisa’s paintings gone. The Russians are determined art thieves, not FSB.

Now, the pressure is on (B) to identify the Russians, so (S) and (Z) will not attract public attention and, by extension, FSB attention.

Surface: Zhora and Falisa are shot by Russians. Zhora thinks they are enemies from his FSB past.

Layer beneath: The Russians are really art thieves at Falisa’s house to steal her Old Russian Master.

How revealed: At night, Sophie and Bill sneak behind the crime scene tape at Falisa’s house and verify that her Old Russian Masters are gone.

Intrigue: Sophie and Bill sneak into Falisa’s cordoned off house and find her paintings missing.

Turning Point: All Falisa’s paintings are gone. The Russian shooters are art thieves, not FSB operatives.

Main Mystery: Are the Russians FSB, or are they art thieves.

Sub-Mysteries:

· How do the art thieves know where Zhora lives?

· How much does the art thief know about Sophie?

· Who’s pulling the art thieves’ strings?

Main Open Loop: Who is behind the theft of Falisa’s paintings?

Sub-Open Loops

· What will the art thief do with Falisa’s paintings?

· Will he come after Sophie to find the missing painting?

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Open Loops and Mysteries

What I learned doing this assignment is that I can increase interest and intrigue by finding opportunities in each act for open loops and mysteries. I was able to find 5 opportunities to incorporate open loops and mysteries. I do notice that there’s some overlap with previous outline entries, but it’s also beginning to make more sense.

OUTLINE VERSION 4

Opening

Ivan Aivazovsky on a Russian Navy Ship of the Line watching a rescue at sea.

Act 1

Essence: Opens with (S) cleaning an Ivan Aivazovsky painting that belongs to Falisa, her father’s fiancée. (S) is an art history professor and painter, who cleans paintings on the side.

Surface: Ivan is a passenger on a Russian Ship of The Line (1846), who witnesses a dramatic rescue of passengers from a sinking sailing ship.

Layer beneath: The painting Sophie is cleaning depicts the rescue at sea seen by Ivan.

How revealed: Underneath dirt and cracked varnish, the painting is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky, the official painter of the Imperial Russian Navy and the greatest seascape painter of all time.

Main Mystery: Was the painting S is cleaning painted by Ivan Aivazovsky?

Sub-Mysteries:

· Who is Ivan Aivazovsky?

· Who is Pasha?

· How did he come to have four Old Russian Masters?

· What other secrets did Pasha die with?

Main Open Loop: Will the Ivan Aivazovsky painting be safe in Sophie’s faculty office?

Sub-Open Loops

· What is Zhora’s relationship with Zhora?

· Why does Sophie trust no one?

· Who is Olivia Carr?

· What’s Sophie’s role int he Russian Art Exhibition?

Act 2

Essence: Sophie’s scholarship is the basis for the Russian Art Exhibition. Private donors around the world, such as Vitaly Burundukov and Logan Johnson, are making the exhibition possible.

Intrigue: At a lunch meeting with Olivia, when Sophie learns that Russian dignitaries from the consulate have been invited to the Russian Art Exhibition reception makes Sophie recoil.

Surface: Sophie is the scholar behind the Russian Art Exhibition.

Layer Beneath: Sophie doesn’t want her major achievements and photograph published?

How Revealed: To satisfy Olivia, Sophie says, “Less is more.”

How Revealed: When we learn that Sophie and Zhora are in the U. S. Witness Program.

Main Mystery: Who are Aleksei and Kazimir, the Russian shooters?

Sub-Mysteries:

· How did the shooters gain access to Falisa’s house?

· Why did they enter armed?

· What was the shooters motive for shooting Zhora and Falisa?

· Is Iosif Emin the calling the shots in the art thefts?

Main Open Loop: How did the Russian shooters know about Falisa’s paintings?

Sub-Open Loops:

· How did the shooters know there should be four paintings when there are only three?

· How far will they go to get their hands on the fourth painting?

Midpoint: Zhora and Falisa are shot in front of Falisa’s house.

Act 3

Essence: The art thieves need all four paintings. They believe Zhora has the fourth in his possession.

Intrigue: Iosef tells Aleksei and Kazimir to break into Zhora’s apartment and find the painting without any confronting or killing anyone else.

Surface: On the surface, Iosef is calling the shots.

Layer Beneath: Vitaly Burundukov is really the top dog.

Intrigue: Zhora tells San Francisco Police Department Detective Sergeant Dave Sharp he thinks the shooters are enemies from his past.

Secret: Zhora has been hiding the fact that he’s not just a Russian language translator, but he is also working as an FBI informant.

(S) meets (B) in (Z’s) hospital room. She learns that Bill is an FBI Agent and that (Z) is his informant. It shocks (S) to realize that (Z) hasn’t been living by the rules of witness protection.

Surface: Professor Sophie Wolf is a modest academic, whose scholarship informs the Russian Art Exhibit entitled, Russian Master Paintings, 1870-1925, and whose credits are minimal.

Layer beneath: Sophie does not advertise her credentials because she is trying to avoid being identified by Russia’s FSB.

How revealed: Sophie’s U. S. Witness Protection Status is revealed when she visits Zhora in the hospital and meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman, who tells her Zhora thinks the shooters were enemies from his past.

Turning Point: (S Turning Point 1) Sophie learns that (Z) believes the shooters were FSB. The ramifications of this are too terrible for (S) to contemplate. Either, they will be on the run from FSB, or they will be forced to reenter witness protection under new names and occupations.

(B) promises to take care of (Z) and (S).

Main Mystery: Who are the Russian Shooters? Are they FSB? Are they art thieves? Or are they both?

Sub-Mysteries

· If the shooters are FSB, how did they find out Zhora’s and Sophie’s true identities?

· If the shooters are FSB, will Zhora and Sophie have to assume new identities and start over their lives again?

Main Open Loop: If the shooters are FSB, will Zhora and Sophie have to assume new identities and start over their lives again?

Sub-Open Loops:

· Will the shooters try to kill Zhora in the hospital?

· Will the shooters try to kill Sophie?

· Are the Russian shooters enemies from Zhora’s FSB past?

· If the shooters are FSB, will they stage another attack on Zhora and Sophie?

· Will Zhora and Sophie need to start over in the U. S. Witness Protection Program?

Act 4

Essence: The art thieves enter Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment to find the missing painting.

Intrigue: Russian thieves break into Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment and turn off the burglar alarm.

Intrigue: They search the house but do not find the painting. Sophie comes home while the thieves still are in the apartment.

Intrigue: Sophie enters front door of her apartment and finds the burglar alarm off.

(S Midpoint) (S) returns home to find the alarm off. There’s an intruder in the house. She calls (B), but he doesn’t pick up. She investigates on her own and comes face-to-face with one of the intruders, who get away down the back stairs.

Intrigue: Sophie collides with one of the intruders. Before she flees, his face is burned into her memory.

Turning Point: Sophie falls down the stairs and lands on Bill, who is arriving at the apartment.

(S and B Turning Point) (B) and (S) find nothing in her apartment that would draw FSB. They do find that the intruders seem very interested in (S’s) paintings. This prompts (S) to think the Russians might be art thieves, not Russians.

(B) finds nothing that would draw FSB, but he does notice that the Russian intruders seemed very interested in (S’s) paintings.

Intrigue: Sophie and Bill search her apartment for what the Russians were after.

Intrigue: The only things they seemed interested in are Sophie’s paintings.

Intrigue: Sophie remembers she’s been cleaning one of Falisa’s paintings, likely an Old Russian Master.

Intrigue: Sophie tells Bill she thinks the Russians were art thieves, not FSB operatives.

Main Mystery: Will the Russians kill Sophie?

Sub-mysteries:

· Will the Russians find the missing fourth painting?

· Will Sophie run into the thieves?

· Will the thieves kill Sophie?

· Will Bill arrive in time to save Sophie?

· Why didn’t the intruder shoot Sophie?

· What were the intruders looking for?

· Why were the intruders interested in Sophie’s paintings?

· Were the intruders FSB or something else entirely?

Main Open Loop: The Russians don’t find the painting in Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment. Will they keep looking for it?

Sub-Open Loops:

· Where will the Russians look next for the missing fourth painting?

· Will the Russian intruders return to Sophie’s and Zhora’s apartment?

· Is it safe for Sophie to stay in her apartment?

· Will the intruders return?

· Can Bill really be trusted to keep Sophie safe?

· Will the intruders turn out to be FSB or art thieves?

Act 5

Essence: (B) and (S) form an alliance to find out the real reason the Russians shot (Z) and Falisa. They determine the shooters were art thieves, not FSB. Bill takes Sophie with him to Falisa’s house to verify whether or not her Old Russian Masters have been stolen.

(S) reveals that she has been cleaning one of Falisa’s paintings in her faculty office and that the painting may well be an Old Russian Master. I could be that the Russians were after that painting.

Surface: Vitaly Burundukov is a wealthy Russian businessman and donor to Sophie’s Russian Art Exhibit.

Layer beneath: Vitaly Burundukov is the art thief bent on obtaining Falisa’s paintings.

How revealed: At the end of season 1, Sophie catches Vitaly trying to sell stolen Old Russian Masters worth millions.

(S and B midpoint) (S) and (B) find all Falisa’s paintings gone. The Russians are determined art thieves, not FSB.

Now, the pressure is on (B) to identify the Russians, so (S) and (Z) will not attract public attention and, by extension, FSB attention.

Surface: Zhora and Falisa are shot by Russians. Zhora thinks they are enemies from his FSB past.

Layer beneath: The Russians are really art thieves at Falisa’s house to steal her Old Russian Master.

How revealed: At night, Sophie and Bill sneak behind the crime scene tape at Falisa’s house and verify that her Old Russian Masters are gone.

Intrigue: Sophie and Bill sneak into Falisa’s cordoned off house and find her paintings missing.

Turning Point: All Falisa’s paintings are gone. The Russian shooters are art thieves, not FSB operatives.

Main Mystery: Are the Russians FSB, or are they art thieves.

Sub-Mysteries:

· How do the art thieves know where Zhora lives?

· How much does the art thief know about Sophie?

· Who’s pulling the art thieves’ strings?

Main Open Loop: Who is behind the theft of Falisa’s paintings?

Sub-Open Loops

· What will the art thief do with Falisa’s paintings?

· Will he come after Sophie to find the missing painting?

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel Stacks Intrigue

Doing this assignment, I learned how to stack intrigue leading up to a major turning point. Adding these to my outline has fleshed it out, but it also has jumbled it a bit. I’m going to need to rethink a few things.

My list of turning points and the intrigue leading up to them

Act 1:

Intrigue: Russians inside Falisa’s house packing paintings into portfolios.

Intrigue: Key turning in the lock warning Russian thieves someone is entering the house.

Intrigue: Kazimir taking out his gun.

Turning Point: (Z) and Falisa are shot outside Falisa’s house by Russian gunmen. Critically injured, Zhora is transported to the hospital. Dead, Falisa is transported to the morgue in a body bag.

Act 2:

Intrigue: At a lunch meeting with Olivia, when Sophie learns that Russian dignitaries from the consulate have been invited to the Russian Art Exhibition reception makes Sophie recoil.

Intrigue: Zhora tells SFPD Detective Dave that he thinks the shooters are enemies from his past.

Secret: Zhora has been hiding the fact that he’s not just a Russian language translator, but he is also working as an FBI informant.

Turning Point: Sophie’s and Zhora’s U. S. Witness Protection Status is revealed.

Act 3:

Intrigue: Russian thieves are told to find Falisa’s missing painting at Zhora’s house.

Intrigue: Russian thieves break into Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment and turn off the burglar alarm.

Intrigue: Russian thieves search the apartment.

Turning Point: The Russian intruders in Sophie’s apartment hear her key in the lock.

Act 4:

Intrigue: Sophie enters front door of her apartment and finds the burglar alarm off.

Intrigue: Sophie calls Bill for help, but he doesn’t pick up.

Intrigue: Sophie collides with one of the intruders. Before she flees, his face is burned into her memory.

Turning Point: Sophie falls down the stairs and lands on Bill, who is arriving at the apartment.

Act 5:

Intrigue: Sophie and Bill search her apartment for what the Russians were after.

Intrigue: The only things they seemed interested in are Sophie’s paintings.

Intrigue: Sophie remembers she’s been cleaning one of Falisa’s paintings, likely an Old Russian Master.

Intrigue: Sophie tells Bill she thinks the Russians were art thieves, not FSB operatives.

Intrigue: Sophie and Bill sneak into Falisa’s cordoned off house and find her paintings missing.

Turning Point: All Falisa’s paintings are gone. The Russian shooters are art thieves, not FSB operatives.

OUTLINE VERSION 3

(S) stands for Sophie; (B) stands for Bill; (Z) stands for Zhora

Act 1

Essence: Opens with (S) cleaning an Ivan Aivazovsky painting that belongs to Falisa, her father’s fiancée. (S) is an art history professor and painter, who cleans paintings on the side. She, along with her father, are Russian defectors living under assumed identities in the U. S. Witness protection program.

Intrigue: Russians inside Falisa’s house packing paintings into portfolios.

Intrigue: Key turning in the lock warning Russian thieves someone is entering the house.

Intrigue: Kazimir taking out his gun.

Turning Point: (Z) and Falisa are shot outside Falisa’s house by Russian gunmen. Critically injured, Zhora is transported to the hospital. Dead, Falisa is transported to the morgue in a body bag.

Surface: He’s a passenger on a Russian Ship of The Line (1846), who witnesses a dramatic rescue of passengers from a sinking sailing ship.

Layer beneath: The painting Sophie is cleaning depicts the rescue at sea seen by the man.

How revealed: Underneath dirt and cracked varnish, the painting is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky, the official painter of the Imperial Russian Navy and the greatest seascape painter of all time.

Act 2

Essence: Zhora and Sophie fear the Russian shooters are enemies from Zhora’s Russian past with FSB. Not only are they in danger of being exterminated, but they may also have to start over their lives again in the U. S. Witness Protection Program.

(S Opening) (S) meets (B) in (Z’s) hospital room. She learns that Bill is an FBI Agent and that (Z) is his informant. It shocks (S) to realize that (Z) hasn’t been living by the rules of witness protection.

Intrigue: At a lunch meeting with Olivia, when Sophie learns that Russian dignitaries from the consulate have been invited to the Russian Art Exhibition reception makes Sophie recoil.

Intrigue: Zhora tells SFPD Detective Dave that he thinks the shooters are enemies from his past.

Secret: Zhora has been hiding the fact that he’s not just a Russian language translator, but he is also working as an FBI informant.

Turning Point: (S Turning Point 1) Sophie learns that (Z) believes the shooters were FSB. The ramifications of this are too terrible for (S) to contemplate. Either, they will be on the run from FSB, or they will be forced to reenter witness protection under new names and occupations.

(B) promises to take care of (Z) and (S).

(S Midpoint) (S) returns home to find the alarm off. There’s an intruder in the house. She calls (B), but he doesn’t pick up. She investigates on her own and comes face-to-face with one of the intruders, who get away down the back stairs.

(S and B Turning Point) (B) and (S) find nothing in her apartment that would draw FSB. They do find that the intruders seem very interested in (S’s) paintings. This prompts (S) to think the Russians might be art thieves, not Russians.

Surface: Two Cyrillic words are carved into the Aivazovsky painting’s frame. Translated into English, they read, “Immortal Movement”

Layer beneath: The Immortal Movement was a resistance group dedicated to keeping Russia’s cultural heritage from being sold out of Russia by Lenin to finance the Bolshevik Revolution.

How revealed: The Immortal Movement is named in an old diary Sophie finds in Falisa’s self-storage unit.

(B) finds nothing that would draw FSB, but he does notice that the Russian intruders seemed very interested in (S’s) paintings.

Surface: Professor Sophie Wolf is a modest academic, whose scholarship informs the Russian Art Exhibit entitled, Russian Master Paintings, 1870-1925, and whose credits are minimal.

Layer beneath: Sophie does not advertise her credentials because she is trying to avoid being identified by Russia’s FSB.

How revealed: Sophie’s U. S. Witness Protection Status is revealed when she visits Zhora in the hospital and meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman, who tells her Zhora thinks the shooters were enemies from his past.

Act 3

Essence: The Russian thieves break into Sophie’s apartment looking for the painting they didn’t find a Falisa’s house.

Intrigue: Russian thieves are told to find Falisa’s missing painting at Zhora’s house.

Intrigue: Russian thieves break into Zhora’s and Sophie’s apartment and turn off the burglar alarm.

Intrigue: Russian thieves search the apartment.

Turning Point: The Russian intruders in Sophie’s apartment hear her key in the lock.

Act 4

Essence: (B) and (S) form an alliance to find out the real reason the Russians shot (Z) and Falisa. They determine the shooters were art thieves, not FSB.

(S) reveals that she has been cleaning one of Falisa’s paintings in her faculty office and that the painting may well be an Old Russian Master. I could be that the Russians were after that painting.

Surface: Vitaly Burundukov is a wealthy Russian businessman and donor to Sophie’s Russian Art Exhibit.

Layer beneath: Vitaly Burundukov is the art thief bent on obtaining Falisa’s paintings.

How revealed: At the end of season 1, Sophie catches Vitaly trying to sell stolen Old Russian Masters worth millions.

Intrigue: Sophie enters front door of her apartment and finds the burglar alarm off.

Intrigue: Sophie calls Bill for help, but he doesn’t pick up.

Intrigue: Sophie collides with one of the intruders. Before she flees, his face is burned into her memory.

Turning Point: Sophie falls down the stairs and lands on Bill, who is arriving at the apartment.

Act 5

Essence: Bill takes Sophie with him to Falisa’s house to verify whether or not her Old Russian Masters have been stolen.

(S and B midpoint) (S) and (B) find all Falisa’s paintings gone. The Russians are determined art thieves, not FSB.

Now, the pressure is on (B) to identify the Russians, so (S) and (Z) will not attract public attention and, by extension, FSB attention.

Surface: Zhora and Falisa are shot by Russians. Zhora thinks they are enemies from his FSB past.

Layer beneath: The Russians are really art thieves at Falisa’s house to steal her Old Russian Master.

How revealed: At night, Sophie and Bill sneak behind the crime scene tape at Falisa’s house and verify that her Old Russian Masters are gone.

Intrigue: Sophie and Bill search her apartment for what the Russians were after.

Intrigue: The only things they seemed interested in are Sophie’s paintings.

Intrigue: Sophie remembers she’s been cleaning one of Falisa’s paintings, likely an Old Russian Master.

Intrigue: Sophie tells Bill she thinks the Russians were art thieves, not FSB operatives.

Intrigue: Sophie and Bill sneak into Falisa’s cordoned off house and find her paintings missing.

Turning Point: All Falisa’s paintings are gone. The Russian shooters are art thieves, not FSB operatives.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Layers and Reveals

Doing this assignment, I learned how to grow my outline by adding layers and reveals. I like the way it’s coming along.

1. List of the Layers and Reveals that could fit into each act of the pilot.

Act 1

Surface: He’s a passenger on a Russian Ship of The Line (1846), who witnesses a dramatic rescue of passengers from a sinking sailing ship.

Layer beneath: The painting Sophie is cleaning depicts the rescue at sea seen by the man.

How revealed: Underneath dirt and cracked varnish, the painting is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky, the official painter of the Imperial Russian Navy and the greatest seascape painter of all time.

Act 2

Surface: Two Cyrillic words are carved into the Aivazovsky painting’s frame. Translated into English, they read, “Immortal Movement”.

Cover up: Immortal Movement is from a quote by Karl Marx.

Layer beneath: The Immortal Movement was a resistance group dedicated to keeping Russia’s cultural heritage from being sold out of Russia by Lenin to finance the Bolshevik Revolution.

How revealed: The Immortal Movement is named in an old diary Sophie finds in Falisa’s self-storage unit.

Act 3

Surface: Professor Sophie Wolf is a modest academic, whose scholarship informs the Russian Art Exhibit entitled, Russian Master Paintings, 1870-1925, and who does her best to coverup her credentials and her past accomplishements.

Layer beneath: Sophie does not advertise her credentials because she is trying to avoid being identified by Russia’s FSB.

How revealed: Sophie’s U. S. Witness Protection Status is revealed when she visits Zhora in the hospital and meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman, who tells her Zhora thinks the shooters were enemies from his past.

Act 4

Surface: Vitaly Burundukov poses as a wealthy Russian businessman and donor to Sophie’s Russian Art Exhibit.

Layer beneath: Vitaly Burundukov is actually the art thief bent on obtaining Falisa’s paintings.

How revealed: At the end of season 1, Sophie catches Vitaly trying to sell stolen Old Russian Masters worth millions.

Act 5

Surface: Zhora and Falisa are shot by Russians. Zhora thinks they are enemies from his FSB past.

Layer beneath: The Russians are really art thieves at Falisa’s house to steal her Old Russian Master.

How revealed: At night, Sophie and Bill sneak behind the crime scene tape at Falisa’s house and verify that her Old Russian Masters are gone.

OUTLINE VERSION 2 – including layers and reveals

(S) stands for Sophie; (B) stands for Bill; (Z) stands for Zhora

Act 1

Essence: Opens with (S) cleaning an Ivan Aivazovsky painting that belongs to Falisa, her father’s fiancée. (S) is an art history professor and painter, who cleans paintings on the side. She, along with her father, are Russian defectors living under assumed identities in the U. S. Witness protection program.

Turning Point: (Z) and Falisa are shot outside Falisa’s house by Russian gunmen. Critically injured, Zhora is transported to the hospital. Dead, Falisa is transported to the morgue in a body bag.

Surface: He’s a passenger on a Russian Ship of The Line (1846), who witnesses a dramatic rescue of passengers from a sinking sailing ship.

Layer beneath: The painting Sophie is cleaning depicts the rescue at sea seen by the man.

How revealed: Underneath dirt and cracked varnish, the painting is signed by Ivan Aivazovsky, the official painter of the Imperial Russian Navy and the greatest seascape painter of all time.

Act 2

Essence: Zhora and Sophie fear the Russian shooters are enemies from Zhora’s Russian past with FSB. Not only are they in danger of being exterminated, but they may also have to start over their lives again in the U. S. Witness Protection Program.

(S Opening) (S) meets (B) in (Z’s) hospital room. She learns that Bill is an FBI Agent and that (Z) is his informant. It shocks (S) to realize that (Z) hasn’t been living by the rules of witness protection.

(S Turning Point 1) Sophie learns that (Z) believes the shooters were FSB. The ramifications of this are too terrible for (S) to contemplate. Either, they will be on the run from FSB, or they will be forced to reenter witness protection under new names and occupations.

(B) promises to take care of (Z) and (S).

(S Midpoint) (S) returns home to find the alarm off. There’s an intruder in the house. She calls (B), but he doesn’t pick up. She investigates on her own and comes face-to-face with one of the intruders, who get away down the back stairs.

(S and B Turning Point) (B) and (S) find nothing in her apartment that would draw FSB. They do find that the intruders seem very interested in (S’s) paintings. This prompts (S) to think the Russians might be art thieves, not Russians.

Surface: Two Cyrillic words are carved into the Aivazovsky painting’s frame. Translated into English, they read, “Immortal Movement”

Layer beneath: The Immortal Movement was a resistance group dedicated to keeping Russia’s cultural heritage from being sold out of Russia by Lenin to finance the Bolshevik Revolution.

How revealed: The Immortal Movement is named in an old diary Sophie finds in Falisa’s self-storage unit.

Act 3

Essence: Bill and Sophie search her apartment for clues to why the Russians were there.

(B) finds nothing that would draw FSB, but he does notice that the Russian intruders seemed very interested in (S’s) paintings.

Surface: Professor Sophie Wolf is a modest academic, whose scholarship informs the Russian Art Exhibit entitled, Russian Master Paintings, 1870-1925, and whose credits are minimal.

Layer beneath: Sophie does not advertise her credentials because she is trying to avoid being identified by Russia’s FSB.

How revealed: Sophie’s U. S. Witness Protection Status is revealed when she visits Zhora in the hospital and meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman, who tells her Zhora thinks the shooters were enemies from his past.

Act 4

Essence: (B) and (S) form an alliance to find out the real reason the Russians shot (Z) and Falisa. They determine the shooters were art thieves, not FSB.

(S) reveals that she has been cleaning one of Falisa’s paintings in her faculty office and that the painting may well be an Old Russian Master. I could be that the Russians were after that painting.

Surface: Vitaly Burundukov is a wealthy Russian businessman and donor to Sophie’s Russian Art Exhibit.

Layer beneath: Vitaly Burundukov is the art thief bent on obtaining Falisa’s paintings.

How revealed: At the end of season 1, Sophie catches Vitaly trying to sell stolen Old Russian Masters worth millions.

Act 5

Essence: Bill takes Sophie with him to Falisa’s house to verify whether or not her Old Russian Masters have been stolen.

(S and B midpoint) (S) and (B) find all Falisa’s paintings gone. The Russians are determined art thieves, not FSB.

Now, the pressure is on (B) to identify the Russians, so (S) and (Z) will not attract public attention and, by extension, FSB attention.

Surface: Zhora and Falisa are shot by Russians. Zhora thinks they are enemies from his FSB past.

Layer beneath: The Russians are really art thieves at Falisa’s house to steal her Old Russian Master.

How revealed: At night, Sophie and Bill sneak behind the crime scene tape at Falisa’s house and verify that her Old Russian Masters are gone.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Character Story Lines

Doing this assignment, I learned that developing character storylines, weaving them together, and dividing them into 5 acts gives me the first version of my outline. Still rudimentary, but very excited.

SOPHIE’S STORYLINE:

Beginning: Sophie is the art history professor cleaning Falisa’s Ivan Aivazovsky seascape painting.<div>

Turning Point: Sophie’s father, Zhora, and his fiancée, Falisa, are gunned down by Russians in front of her house. Critically injured, Zhora is taken to the hospital. Dead, Falisa is transported to the morgue in a body bag.

Midpoint: Sophie meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman and finds out that Zhora has been working for him as an informant. She fears that her and Zhora’s true identity have been discovered by Russia’s FSB. Bill promises to take care of them both.

Turning Point 2: Sophie comes home to find evidence of an intruder in her house. She calls Bill, but Bill doesn’t pick up.

Dilemma: All alone, she debates whether to leave the house or to investigate. She decides to investigate and meets one of the intruder face-to-face before he disappears down the back stairs.

Major Conflict: She is used to keeping her head down and playing by the rules of U. S. Witness Protection. In order to stop the intruders, whom she now believes are art thieves, she’s going to need to expose herself.Ending: Sophie and Bill verify that the Russian gunmen were art thieves, not FSB.

BILL’S STORYLINE:

Beginning: Bill and his ten-year-old daughter, Lucy, pick up Lucy’s grandmother at the airport. He’s planning a trip to Russia, so he needs his mother to take care of Lucy while he’s gone.

Turning Point: While at the airport, Bill receives a call that his informant, Zhora, has been shot and has been hospitalized in critical condition. He heads for the hospital, leaving Lucy and his mother to fend for themselves.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Midpoint: Bill meets Sophie in Zhora’s hospital room. He tells Sophie that Zhora thinks the shooters were enemies from his past. That means to Sophie that they are FSB.

Turning Point: Bill promises to protect Sophie and Zhora, but when Sophie calls him for help with intruders, he doesn’t pick up.

Dilemma: Bill arrives at Sophie’s and Zhora’s apartment and determines that there isn’t anything in the house FSB would be interested in and that the intruders were more interested in Sophie’s paintings than anything else.

Major Conflict: Does Bill include Sophie in his investigation of Falisa’s house to find out if Falisa’s paintings were stolen, putting them both in jeopardy of being caught by SFPD? He decides to take Sophie with him.

Ending: Bill and Sophie verify that the Russian gunmen were art thieves, not FSB.

OUTLINE VERSION 1

(S) stands for Sophie; (B) stands for Bill; (Z) stands for Zhora

Act 1

Essence: Opens with (S) cleaning an Ivan Aivazovsky painting that belongs to Falisa, her father’s fiancée. (S) is an art history professor and painter, who cleans paintings on the side. She, along with her father, are Russian defectors living under assumed identities in the U. S. Witness protection program.

Turning Point: (Z) and Falisa are shot outside Falisa’s house by Russian gunmen. Critically injured, Zhora is transported to the hospital. Dead, Falisa is transported to the morgue in a body bag.

Act 2

Essence: Zhora and Sophie fear the Russian shooters are enemies from Zhora’s Russian past with FSB. Not only are they in danger of being exterminated, but they may also have to start over their lives again in the U. S. Witness Protection Program.

(S Opening) (S) meets (B) in (Z’s) hospital room. She learns that Bill is an FBI Agent and that (Z) is his informant. It shocks (S) to realize that (Z) hasn’t been living by the rules of witness protection.

(S Turning Point 1) Sophie learns that (Z) believes the shooters were FSB. The ramifications of this are too terrible for (S) to contemplate. Either, they will be on the run from FSB, or they will be forced to reenter witness protection under new names and occupations.

(B) promises to take care of (Z) and (S).

(S Midpoint) (S) returns home to find the alarm off. There’s an intruder in the house. She calls (B), but he doesn’t pick up. She investigates on her own and comes face-to-face with one of the intruders, who get away down the back stairs.

(S and B Turning Point) (B) and (S) find nothing in her apartment that would draw FSB. They do find that the intruders seem very interested in (S’s) paintings. This prompts (S) to think the Russians might be art thieves, not Russians.

Act 3

Essence: Bill and Sophie search her apartment for clues to why the Russians were there.

(B) finds nothing that would draw FSB, but he does notice that the Russian intruders seemed very interested in (S’s) paintings.

Act 4

Essence: (B) and (S) form an alliance to find out the real reason the Russians shot (Z) and Falisa. They determine the shooters were art thieves, not FSB.

(S) reveals that she has been cleaning one of Falisa’s paintings in her faculty office and that the painting may well be an Old Russian Master. I could be that the Russians were after that painting.

Act 5

Essence: Bill takes Sophie with him to Falisa’s house to verify whether or not her Old Russian Masters have been stolen.

(S and B midpoint) (S) and (B) find all Falisa’s paintings gone. The Russians are determined art thieves, not FSB.

Now, the pressure is on (B) to identify the Russians, so (S) and (Z) will not attract public attention and, by extension, FSB attention.

</div>

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Pilot Structure

Doing this assignment, I learned how to structure my pilot into a Teaser and Five Acts. Very interesting!

Teaser:

Essence: In the year 1896, off the coast of Theodosia, Crimea, a man stands on the poop deck of an Imperial Russian Ship of the Line, watching lifeboats, overflowing with survivors, pull away from a doomed vessel. He frames this powerful scene with his hands.Turning Point: The 19^th century man now renders the same powerful scene in oils on canvas. It’s An Old Russian Master, which slowly transforms into a painting, obscured by an accumulation of grime and discolored varnish. It sits on an easel in present time front of Dr. Sophie Wolf.

Act 1:

Essence: Sophie brushes dirt away from the artist’s signature, Ivan Aivazovsky, one of the greatest seascape painters of all time. If genuine, the painting is worth millions. Turning Point: The painting belongs to Zhora’s fiancée, Falisa, who inherited it and three other paintings from her deceased husband, Pasha, who took all his secrets to his grave. Zhora warns Sophie to tell no one that she could be working on an Old Russian Masterpiece. “Anyone can betray you.” “When do I ever trust anyone? Don’t worry. I’ll keep the painting safe.”

Act 2:

Essence: Zhora and Falisa unload groceries in front of Falisa’s house in preparation for making lunch together. They are surprised by two Russian gunman, one of whom fires his weapon at them. He kills Falisa and seriously wounds Zhora.Turning Point/Midpoint: Falisa is transported to the morgue in a bodybag. Zhora is transported to the hospital in critical condition. He’s conscious enough to tell a San Francisco Police Detective, he thinks the shooters were enemies from his past.

Act 3:

Essence: Sophie meets FBI agent Bill Hillman in Zhora’s hospital room. She finds out that Zhora, supposedly a Russian translator, has been working secretly as Bill’s informant. and Sophie are both Russian defectors living under assumed names in U. S. Witness Protection. Turning Point: It’s revealed that Sophie and Zhora are Russian defectors living under assumed names in U. S. Witness Protection, and their covers may have been blown.

Act 4:

Essence: Bill promises to protect Sophie. Sophie goes home from the hospital to find the alarm turned off. She calls Bill worried, but he doesn’t pick up.Turning Point: Sophie comes face-to-face with an intruder. Terrified she falls down the stairs into Bill’s arms. The intruder gets away.

Act 5:

Essence: Bill and Sophie search the house for what the intruder was looking for. There is nothing in the house of interest to FSB. But the intruder did pay particular attention to Sophie’s paintings. She’s an artist as well as a professor of art history.Lock In: Sophie connects the intruder’s interest in her paintings to Falisa’s paintings. Were the shooters FSB? Or were they art thieves there to steal four Old Russian Masters? Sophie must find out which?

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Amazing Inciting Incident

Doing this assignment, I learned that the pilot is the series’ inciting incident. I also learned how to beat out the inciting incident into intriguing concept, act 1, midpoint, and lock-in. Very exciting.

INCITING INCIDENT:

Having defected to the United States from Russia, Sophie and Zhora live their lives in fear that their true identities will be discovered by FSB (Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation) and that they will be assassinated. After twenty years abiding by the rules of U. S. witness protection, they begin to breathe easily. But then, Zhora and his fiancée, Falisa are gunned down by Russian shooters in front of Falisa’s house. Likely it’s the work of FSB, but what if it’s not? With Zhora hospitalized in critical condition and Falisa in a body bag, Sophie is faced with a dilemma: Does she take Zhora’s gut feeling that the shooters are enemies from his past, and prepare herself to change her identity and career? Or does she summon the courage to conduct a private investigation?

By the end of the pilot, Sophie suspects the Russian shooters’ motive might be something other than FSB retaliation. She is on a suspenseful journey that may well lead her to her death at the hands of the FSB? We have to know if Sophie finds out why Zhora was shot without exposing her true identity.

We have to watch the entire season!

MAIN BEATS OF THE INCITING INCIDENT:

INTRIGUING CONCEPT: Sophie is going to turn detective to find out why Zhora and Falisa were shot.

ACT 1: Sophie is presented as an art history professor living a quiet life and abiding by the rules of U. S. witness protection. She cleans and restores paintings on the side.

MIDPOINT: Sophie finds out that Zhora and Falisa have been shot. Zhora has been transported to the hospital in critical condition, and Falisa has been taken to the morgue in a bodybag.

LOCK-IN: Zhora believes the shooters are enemies from his past, but are they? Sophie thinks they might be art thieves who knew about Falisa’s Old Russian Masters. How can Sophie and Zhora protect themselves if they don’t know who their real enemy is? She has to find out, even if it means exposing herself to FSB.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Big Picture Components

What I learned doing this assignment is by following the process, I already have the most essential components of my pilot. Yay!!!

SERIES INFO:

World: The series explores the world of art crime. The first season delves into art thefts during the Bolshevik Revolution by a band of men called The Immortal Movement determined to keep Russia’s cultural heritage from being sold out of the country to fund Lenin’s war. It also follows the greedy modern-day Russian villain, who wants the cache of saved paintings for himself.Main mystery: Who killed Falisa and stole her Old Russian Masters?Impossible Goal: To catch the art thief without drawing the attention of FSB.Main Conflict: Art history professor vs. wealthy Russian oligarch determined to find not only Falisa’s paintings, but also to find the Immortal Movement cache.Second Mystery: Why are the FSB looking for Sophie and Zhora?Season 1 Arc: The story goes from Sophie and Zhora living in U. S. witness protection to being threatened by Russian art thieves to be willing to risk everything to capture the art thief and murderer. Season 1 Protagonist Internal Journey: Sophie goes from being fearful and risk averse to being a globetrotting art theft investigator, who will risk everything to bring the villain to justice.

PILOT INFO:

Pilot Conflict: Russians vs. Zhora and Sophie. The Russians kill Zhora’s fiancé and seriously injure him to get away with Falisa’s Old Russian Masters. When they fail to get away with all the paintings, they go after Sophie.Characters Introduced: Sophie, Zhora, Falisa, Vitaly, Bill, Dave, Olivia, Aleksie, and KasmirInciting Incident of Season 1: Falisa and Zhora are shot outside Falisa’ home by Russians. Falisa dies instantly. Zhora goes to the hospital for treatment.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Visually Appealing Bible

What I learned doing this assignment is I can dress up my TV Bible with stock photos. I really enjoyed the interview with Drew Foerster and was inspired by the way he used photos in his TV Bible.

I brainstormed the following photo ideas:

· Photo of Lenin’s statue in St. Petersburg.

· Photo of Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow

· Photo of Russian noble’s house being vandalized

· Photo of Lone Mountain looking onto the Spanish steps

· Photo of Aivazovsky seascape

· Woman’s action fight scene

Then I tried to find photos online.

I captured one of Lenin, one of the Tretyakov Gallery, one of Lone Mountain, one of an Aivazovsky painting, and one of a fight between two women.

Not sure that any of these will actually work, but at least, I’m thinking about what kind of appeal I want to achieve with my TV Bible.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Edited TV Pitch Bible

What I learned doing this assignment is that following the editing process truly elevates the TV Pitch Bible. Mine is not perfect by a long shot, but it definitely is progressing. So exciting!

Here’s the current version:

Immortal Movement

A Thriller for Streaming

Written by

Madeleine Vessel

CONCEPT

When Zhora is gunned down by two Russian goons outside Falisa’s house, he believes they are enemies from his FSB past. But Sophie proves him wrong. Instead, she finds evidence they are art thieves on a mission to steal Falisa’s paintings, Old Russian Masters, thought to have been missing since the Bolshevik Revolution.

Discovering her true brave and heroic nature, Sophie slowly grows from a quiet-living art history professor, determined to keep secret her true identity as a Russian defector, into a daring, globetrotting art crime investigator on the track of the Immortal Movement’s secret hoard.

WORLD

The story is set in two worlds, the violent underworld of art thieves, beginning with Lenin during the Bolshevik Revolution and continuing to the present time, and the violent world of FSB, known for ruthlessly eliminating enemies of the state. Two things remain a mystery throughout season one. First, will the Russian art thief’s plan to use the heroine to find Old Russian Masters, stolen and hidden during the Bolshevik Revolution, succeed? And two, will the Russian police investigation of the art thefts attract the attention of FSB, known for ruthlessly eliminating enemies of the state.

Art thief, Vitaly Burundukov, will kill to obtain the paintings of great price, especially the paintings stolen from his noble ancestors during the Bolshevik Revolution. For him it’s not only a matter of money, but it’s an opportunity to take revenge on those who reduced his family to penury.

The Russian FSB operative, assigned to find and eliminate Sophie and Zhora ,wherever in the world they are hiding, is always a hair’s breadth away from catching them. Sophie’s challenge navigating this world is to keep her and Zhora’s true identities as Russian defectors living in U. S. witness protection secret from the FSB while investigating art theft and murder.

The questions throughout are these,

· Will the FSB find and eliminate Sophie and Zhora?

· Will the art thief kill Sophie before she can bring him to justice?

Art stolen during World War II has been explored before, but this is the first exploration of Lenin’s heist of the Russian nobles to fund the Bolshevik Revolution.

SHOW SUMMARY

Art history professor and portrait painter Sophie Wolf teaches on the Lone Mountain Campus of the University of San Francisco. She lives an intentionally quiet life with her father Zhora Volkov, a Russian translator, and their cat, Koshechka. But all this changes when Zhora and his fiancée, Falisa, are gunned down by Russians in front of Falisa’s house.

Before Zhora is transported to the hospital, he tells San Francisco Police Detective, Dave Sharp, that the shooters were enemies from his past. Unbeknownst to Dave, Zhora and Sophie defected from Russia to the United States twenty years before and are living in witness protection to avoid assassination by Russia’s FSB.

At the hospital, visiting critically injured Zhora, Sophie meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman and learns that Zhora was not leading the quiet life she expected. His job as a Russian translator was a cover for his actual job as an FBI informant. She’s at once scared and angry. If Zhora’s shenanigans alerted the FSB to their true identities, they will be forced to change their names again and start all over somewhere else.

Sophie goes home from the hospital to find the alarm turned off. Intruders have arrived before her. Terrified, Sophie calls bill for help, but he doesn’t pick up. Climbing the stairs in the dark, she comes face-to-face with one of the intruders and bolts back down the stairs.

Bill arrives to find Sophie tumbling down the stairs and the intruders getting away. A search of Sophie’s apartment uncovers nothing of interest to the FSB. Surprisingly, the intruders seemed overly interested in Sophie’s paintings.

The mention of paintings to Sophie suggests to her a different reason for the Russians’ attack on Zhora and Falisa. They may have been there for Falisa’s oil paintings, which Sophie suspects are Old Russian Masterpieces.

To determine the true motive for the attack on Zhora and Falisa, Sophie and Bill go to Falisa’s house, where they find Falisa’s valuable paintings missing. The Russians are not FSB. They are art thieves.

Sophie now believes that her home invaders were after another of Falisa’s paintings, the one which Sophie has been cleaning in her faculty office at Lone Mountain, the one she suspects is by Ivan Aivazovsky, one of the most brilliant seascape painters of all time.

How far will the Russian art thieves go to find the missing Aivazovsky painting which is worth upwards of $5 million? Will Bill be able to keep Sophie and Zhora safe until the thieves are apprehended? In the middle of all this intrigue, will Sophie and Zhora come to the attention of FSB?

CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS

SOPHIE WOLF

Dr. Sophie Wolf is art history professor, living in U. S. and abiding by witness protection rules after defecting from Russia. Her purpose is to keep her father and herself safe from the FSB, who doggedly search for them.

When Falisa’s murder and the theft of her Old Russian Masters threatens to expose Sophie and Zhora to public scrutiny, putting them in jeopardy of being discovered by FSB, Sophie determines to find and bring to justice the killer/art thieves. During her investigation, she learns that a group calling themselves The Immortal Movement stole Old Russian Masters from under Lenin’s nose during the Bolshevik Revolution to keep them from being sold out of the country. She suspects that Falisa’s killer is after the Immortal Movement’s paintings.

Smart, daring, and caring, Sophie will take any risk necessary to find out who murdered Falisa and stole her paintings, including travel to Russia and work for the Tretyakov Gallery. Every step she takes jeopardizes her witness protection cover.

BILL HILLMAN

Bill Hillman is an FBI Agent working Russian organized crime and using Sophie’s father, Zhora, as a paid informant. When Zhora is critically injured, and Falisa is murdered by Russian villains. Caring, smart, and daring Bill’s purpose changes from being Zhora’s handler to being Zhora and Sophie’s protector, not only from Falisa’s murderer, but also from the FSB, hot on their heels.

Bill finds himself teaming up with Sophie to bring the villain(s) to justice. With every step he takes with Sophie to Russia, posing as an Interpol instructor, the more likely he is to be exposed as FBI and cause an international incident between the U. S. and Russia. Every step he takes with Sophie brings them closer together.

VITALY BURUNDUKOV

Vitaly Burundukov, a descendant of a Russian noble family, robbed and killed during the Bolshevik Revolution, is a Russian Oligarch with only one purpose, to get back what was stolen from him and his family. Ruthless, reckless, and bold, he is willing to commit the most heinous of crimes. From the beginning, he intends to kill Sophie to cover his tracks.

Determined to find and seize Old Russian Masters that were stolen and kept safe by the Immortal Movement, he underestimates Sophie Wolf’s determination to stay alive and to get to the Immortal Movement Paintings before he does.

EPISODE DESCRIPTIONS

EPISODE 1: FRANTIC

Art history professor and portrait painter Sophie Wolf teaches on the Lone Mountain Campus of the University of San Francisco. She lives an intentionally quiet life with her father Zhora Volkov, a Russian translator, and their cat, Koshechka, in order to stay under the radar of FSB operatives searching for them.

But all this changes when Zhora and his fiancée, Falisa, are shot by Russians in front of Falisa’s house. At the crime scene, San Francisco Police Department Detective Sergeant Dave Sharp finds Falisa dead and Zhora, critically injured but conscious enough to tell him the shooters were enemies from his past.

At the hospital, Sophie learns that Zhora is not really a Russian translator. He’s actually an organized Russian crime informant for FBI Agent Bill Hillman. Bill knows that Zhora and Sophie are in witness protection. He promises to protect them.

Arriving home from the hospital, Sophie finds the alarm deactivated. She’s not alone in her apartment. Is an FSB operative waiting in the dark to kill her? Desperately, she calls Bill for help, but he doesn’t answer.

EPISODE 2: FRIGHTENED TO DEATH

In the dark, Sophie slowly moves up the stairs. Crossing the hall, feeling her way into the kitchen, she switches on the light and promptly crashes into the back of one of the intruders. The man turns. She sees his face. As she frantically races back down the stairs, he and his partner disappear out the back door.

Bill arrives at Sophie’s apartment as the intruders are getting away. A search of the apartment convinces Bill the intruders are not FSB. Evidence that they were more interested in her paintings than anything else suggests to Sophie that the intruders are art thieves after one of Falisa’s paintings, an Ivan Aivazovsky original that Sophie has been cleaning.

To verify the Russians are art thieves, Bill and Sophie break into Falisa’s house, still cordoned off by crime scene tape. Will they find out if Falisa’s other valuable paintings have been stolen before the police arrive?

EPISODE 3: KIDNAPPED

Successfully avoiding capture by the police, Bill and Sophie search Falisa’s house and find out three other of her paintings are missing. A search of Falisa’s self-storage unit turns up an old diary. Reading the diary, Sophie finds out that the Aivazovsky she has in her office was stolen from a Russian estate called Moorhen Park in 1919.

She tries to obtain the original owner’s name online, but it’s not available to her unless she goes to the Russian Archives in person. That would mean going to Moscow. That would mean breaking the rules of witness protection, a no, no, as far as Sophie is concerned.

Sophie draws a picture of her house intruder. But before she can give the sketch to the police, the man in the picture kidnaps her at gunpoint and forces her to drive him to his hideout. What does he want from her? Will she survive?

EPISODE 4: RESCUED

As a kidnap victim, Sophie manages to keep her head until Bill comes to the rescue. He apprehends the art thief and obtains a confession from him, which suggests he’s a small fry in the scheme of things. Someone much more dangerous than he is pulling the strings.

Sophie and Bill attend a reception to kick off an exhibition of Russian paintings. Bill suspects the one pulling the strings may be among the guests, either posing as a donor or as someone looking for a buyer for Falisa’s Old Russian Masters.

While at the reception, Sophie meets Leonid, the Director of the Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow. On donor Vitaly Burundukov’s recommendation, Leonid offers Sophie a summer job at the Tretyakov. If she accepts the job, she will be breaking the rules of witness protection and putting herself at risk of being discovered by FSB. Then again, if she goes, she may be able to find the rightful owner of the Aivazovsky painting and step back out of the public view.

What will she do?

EPISODE 5: BODYGUARD OR VILLAIN

Sophie goes to Moscow and acquires a tail the moment she lands at Domodedovo Airport. Is he FSB? One of the art thieves? She doesn’t know.

In Moscow, Sophie visits the Russian Archives and finds out the name of the owner of Moorhen Park in 1919. She visits Moorhen Park and meets Logan Johnson, a descendant of the noble family who owned the estate in 1919. They compare notes. Is he the rightful owner of the Aivazovsky painting? More research needs to be done.

On her way back to her hotel, she gets a flat tire. The tail, Maxim, stops to help her. When she confronts him about his following her, he tells her he is paid by Vitaly Burundukov to keep her safe. Is he telling the truth? Or does Maxim have another agenda?

EPISODE 6: OUTSMARTED

In Moscow, Sophie visits Falisa’s mother-in-law, Irina, who turns out to be the daughter of Kolya Holender, the writer of the 1919 diary. Irina confirms, Kolya also was a member of a group called The Immortal Movement, dedicated to keeping Lenin from selling off Russian cultural objects to fund the Bolshevik Revolution.

After the visit, Sophie waits outside Irina’s apartment for a taxi. When it doesn’t arrive, Sophie reluctantly asks Maxim for a ride back to the hotel. At the hotel’s front desk, Sophie picks up her laptop bag and finds out that someone has tampered with it. Maxim chuckles at her surprise. According to him, going through guests personal belongings is common practice in Russia’s hotels. But then moments later, she finds her hotel room ajar. Someone has broken in. This isn’t standard practice.

Later, Bill examines her laptop and discovers that someone has accessed the digital version of Kolya Holender’s diary. Someone else now knows the history of the Immortal Movement and about the hoard of Russian paintings they vowed to keep safe.

Now, it’s a race to find the hoard of Old Russian Masters first.

EPISODE 7: ALL IS LOST

At work at the Tretyakov Gallery, Sophie meets Arseny who asks her to visit his home to authenticate and appraise his paintings. There, she finds the paintings described in the 1919 diary. Who is Arseny? How did he acquire Immortal Movement paintings?

While she examines Arseny’s collection, gunmen break in, kill Arseny, shoot Sophie, and steal the paintings.

Maxim finds her bleeding and unconscious body and calls for an ambulance.

Will Sophie survive the attack?

EPISODE 8: KILL OR BE KILLED

Believed to have died of her gunshot wounds, Sophie secretly returns to the U. S. There she discovers her best friend Olivia has been having an affair with Vitaly Burundukov and that the affair has led her to assist Vitaly to smuggle stolen paintings from Russia into the U. S. Sophie forces Olivia to tell her where Vitaly is hiding the paintings.

At the gallery where Vitaly Burundukov’s smuggled paintings are on display, Sophie finds the Immortal Movement Collection among them. Vitaly tries to kill Sophie before she can talk, but she gets the upper hand and dispatches him.

Meanwhile, one of the gallery’s invited guests, an undercover FSB operative, compares Sophie’s photograph to that of Sophie’s estranged mother, Yelena, and finds a striking resemblance.

FIVE SEASONS DESCRIPTIONS

SEASON 1: THE HOARD

· High Concept or major hook: Vanquishing the murderer and art thief without being exposed to the FSB.

· Big Picture Arc/Journey: From risk averse art professor to globetrotting art theft investigator.

· Main Conflict: Following the trail of a killer/art thief while keeping out of the public eye.

· Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie be recognized and killed by FSB?

· Cliffhanger: Sophie experiences a freedom that she hasn’t felt since she was a child. More daring now, she’s eager to go boldly out into the world .

SEASON 2: THE FORGERY

· High Concept or major hook of the season: On a visit to an art exhibition at Oxford University in England, Sophie suspects the most valuable painting displayed is a fraud.

· Big Picture Arc/Journey: She goes from being a successful art thief investigator to being a fraud detector.

· Main Conflict: Someone at Oxford is a thief and a forger and will do anything to stop Sophie from finding out the truth.

· Cliffhanger: Sophie sets a trap for an art forger. When he falls into it, the business becomes public. Will the FSB operative on Sophie’s and Zhora’s trail realize who she is?

SEASON 3: THE RESTORATION

· High Concept or major hook of the season: After agreeing to restore a wealthy family’s family portrait, Sophie discovers an Old Master underneath.

· Big Picture Arc/Journey: She goes from being a fraud detector to being an art authenticator.

· Main Conflict: Someone in the family is a thief.

· Mystery/Open Loops: Will her notoriety for finding the lost master lead her into the hands of the FSB?

· Cliffhanger: Sophie is targeted by an FSB operative, who notes her likeness to Yelena, Sophie’s mother, who did not defect.

SEASON 4: THE NEGOTIATION

· High Concept or major hook of the season: While on vacation in Rome, Sophie thwarts a terrorist attempt to capture The Holy Grail on tour at St. Peters Cathedral in the Vatican.

· Big Picture Arc/Journey: From being a San Francisco researcher/teaching professor to saving The Holy Grail from terrorists.

· Main Conflict: Negotiating with terrorists without being killed; without being recognized by FSB, still hot on her trail.

· Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie’s newly earned reputation for outfoxing terrorists expose her to the FSB?

· Cliffhanger: Sophie decides to shop her art expertise out to law enforcement to recover stolen masterpieces.

SEASON 5: THE TRAP

· High Concept or major hook of the season: Sophie is asked by an insurance company to authenticate and appraise an Old Master, but it’s a trap set by FSB.

· Big Picture Arc/Journey: Sophie goes from moving freely about the world to being trapped and taken prisoner by the FSB.

· Main Conflict: Negotiating and fighting her way out of captivity.

· Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie be killed by FSB?

A. Cliffhanger: Will Sophie turn the tables on the FSB?

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Episode Titles

Doing this assignment, I learned how to use title formats. Very helpful. I now have new titles for my Season 1 episodes and new titles for my five seasons. They tell a story. Amazing!

As always, this is a work in progress. Fun, fun, fun.

Here are my episode titles:

Episode 1: Frantic

Episode 2: Frightened to Death

Episode 3: Kidnapped

Episode 4: Rescued

Episode 5: Bodyguard or Villain

Episode 6: Outsmarted

Episode 7: All is Lost

Episode 8: Kill or Be Killed

Here are my new season titles:

Season 1 Title: The Hoard

Season 2: The Forgery

Season 3: The Restoration

Season 4 Title: The Negotiation

Season 5: The Trap

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Presents Non-Stop Intrigue

What I learned doing this assignment is using setups and payoffs make the story more interesting and intriguing.

While I have more to do, my incorporation of setups and payoffs has made my TV Pitch Bible much more interesting and intriguing. It’s starting to come to life.

Elevated TV Pitch Bible

Show Title: IMMORTAL MOVEMENT

Concept:

A. When Zhora is gunned down by two Russian goons outside Falisa’s house, Sophie proves they were not enemies from Zhora’s past but rather thieves there to steal Falisa’s paintings, Old Russian Masters that went missing during the Boshevik Revolution…

B. …discovering her true brave and heroic nature…

C. …she slowly grows from a quiet-living art history professor, determined to keep secret her true identity as a Russian defector, into a daring, globetrotting art crime investigator.

World:

Unique Sub-World: The violent underworld of Russian art thieves, beginning with Lenin during the Bolshevik Revolution.Previously unexplored: How to keep safe her secret identity as a Russian defector sought after by the FSB while investigating theft and murder.The unknown: Will the FSB learn who she and her father really are?The unseen: Russian police investigation; Art thief’s plan to use heroine to find more Old Russian Masters, stolen during the Bolshevik Revolution.Unheard of Dangers: The FSB ruthlessly eliminates enemies of the state. Art thieves will kill to obtain paintings of great price.Reason to explore it: Accepting an opportunity to work for the Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow gives the heroine access to Russian archives and the descendants of the Russian nobles who were victimized by Lenin during the Bolshevik Revolution, some of whom became thieves themselves.

Show Summary:

Art history professor and portrait painter Sophie Wolf teaches on the Lone Mountain Campus of the University of San Francisco. She lives an intentionally quiet life with her father Zhora Volkov, a Russian translator, and their cat, Koshechka. But all this changes when Zhora and his fiancée, Falisa, are gunned down by Russians in front of Falisa’s house.

Before Zhora is transported to the hospital, he tells San Francisco Police Detective, Dave Sharp, that the shooters were enemies from his past. Unbeknownst to Dave, Zhora and Sophie defected from Russia to the United States twenty years before and are living in witness protection.

At the hospital visiting critically injured Zhora, Sophie meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman and learns that Zhora was not leading the quiet life she supposed. His job as a Russian translator was a cover for his actual job as an FBI informant. She’s at once scared and angry. If Zhora’s shenanigans alerted the FSB to their true identities, they will be forced to change their names again and start all over somewhere else.

After her hospital visit, Sophie comes home to find intruders there before her. She reacts in terror when she comes face-to-face with one of them before they get away.

When Bill arrives and goes through the house to determine what the intruders were after, he discovers that there’s nothing in the house that would interest FSB and that they seemed to be more interested in Sophie’s paintings than anything else.

The mention of paintings suggests to Sophie a different reason for the Russians’ attack on Zhora and Falisa. They may have been there for Falisa’s oil paintings, which Sophie suspects are Old Russian Masterpieces.

To determine the true motive for the attack on Zhora and Falisa, Sophie insists Bill take her to Falisa’s house, which is still a crime scene and find out if Falisa’s paintings are still there. He agrees. There, they find Falisa’s paintings missing. The Russians are not FSB. They’re art thieves.

Sophie concludes her home invaders were after another of Falisa’s paintings, the one Sophie has been cleaning in her faculty office at Lone Mountain, the one she suspects is by Ivan Aivazovsky, one of the most brilliant seascape painters of all time.

How far will the Russian art thieves go to find the missing Aivazovsky painting which is worth upwards of $5 million? Will Bill be able to keep Sophie and Zhora safe until the thieves are apprehended?

Character Descriptions:

SOPHIE WOLF

Dr. Sophie Wolf is art history professor, living in U. S. and abiding by witness protection rules after defecting from Russia. Her purpose is to keep her father and herself safe from the FSB, who doggedly search for them.

When Falisa’s murder and the theft of her Old Russian Masters threatens to expose Sophie and Zhora to public scrutiny, putting them in jeopardy of being discovered by FSB, Sophie determines to find and bring to justice the killer/art thieves. During her investigation, she learns that a group calling themselves The Immortal Movement stole Old Russian Masters from under Lenin’s nose during the Bolshevik Revolution to keep them from being sold out of the country. She suspects that Falisa’s killer is after the Immortal Movement’s paintings.

Smart, daring, and caring, Sophie will take any risk necessary to find out who murdered Falisa and stole her paintings, including travel to Russia and work for the Tretyakov Gallery. Every step she takes jeopardizes her witness protection cover.

BILL HILLMAN

Bill Hillman is an FBI Agent working Russian organized crime and using Sophie’s father, Zhora ,as a paid informant. When Zhora is critically injured and Falisa is murdered by Russian villains, caring, smart, and daring Bill’s, purpose changes to protecting Zhora and Sophie, not only from Falisa’s murderer, but also from the FSB, hot on their heels.

Bill finds himself teaming up with Sophie to bring the villain(s) to justice. With every step he takes with Sophie to Russia, posing as an Interpol instructor, the more likely he is to be exposed as FBI and cause an international incident between the U. S. and Russia. Every step he takes with Sophie brings them closer together.

VITALY BURUNDUKOV

Vitaly Burundukov, a descendant of a Russian noble family, robbed and killed during the Bolshevik Revolution, is a Russian Oligarch with only one purpose, to get back what was stolen from him and his family. Ruthless, reckless, and bold, he is willing to commit the most heinous of crimes. From the beginning, he intends to kill Sophie to cover his tracks.

Determined to find and seize Old Russian Masters that were stolen and kept safe by the Immortal Movement, he underestimates Sophie Wolf’s determination to stay alive and to get to the Immortal Movement Paintings before he does.

Episode Descriptions:

Episode 1: The Russians Are Here

Zhora and Falisa are gunned down by Russians in front of Falisa’s house. Zhora is transported to a hospital and Falisa to a morgue. At the hospital, Sophie learns that Zhora is not really a Russian translator. He’s actually an organized Russian crime informant for FBI Agent Bill Hillman. Bill knows that Zhora and Sophie are in witness protection and promises to protect them.

Arriving home from the hospital, Sophie finds she’s not alone in her apartment. She calls Bill, but he doesn’t answer. Will she survive?

Episode 2: The Russians are Art Thieves

In the dark, Sophie moves up the stairs and into the kitchen. As she turns on the light she collides with one of the intruders trying to escape. He turns. She sees his face. Bill arrives at Sophie’s apartment as the intruders are getting away. A search of the apartment convinces Bill the intruders are not FSB and Sophie that the intruders are art thieves after Falisa’s painting, an Ivan Aivazovsky original in Sophie’s possession.

To verify the Russians are art thieves, Bill and Sophie go to Falisa’s house and investigate. All the while, they fear being discovered by the police, who still have the house cordoned off by crime scene tape. Will they be able to avoid the police?

Episode 3: An Art Thief’s Diary

Reading the diary, Sophie finds out that the Aivazovsky she has in her office was stolen from a Russian estate called Moorhen Park in 1919. She tries to obtain the original owner’s name online, but it’s not available to her unless she goes to the Russian Archives in person. That would mean going to Moscow. That would mean breaking the rules of witness protection.

Sophie draws a picture of her house intruder shortly before he kidnaps her asking for the Aivazovsky painting as ransom. Will she lose the last of Falisa’s paintings? Will she survive?

Episode 4: An Art Thief’s Confession

As a kidnap victim, Sophie manages to keep her head until Bill comes to the rescue. He apprehends the art thief and obtains a confession from him, which suggests he’s a small fry in the scheme of things. Someone much more dangerous than he is pulling the strings.

Sophie and Bill attend a reception to kick off an exhibition of Russian paintings. Bill suspects the art thief may be among the guests, either as a donor or as someone looking for the missing Aivazovsky painting.

While at the reception, Sophie meets Leonid, the Director of the Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow. On donor Vitaly Burundukov’s recommendation, Leonid offers Sophie a summer job at the Tretyakov. If she accepts the job, she will be breaking the rules of witness protection and putting herself at risk of being discovered by FSB. Then again, if she goes, she may be able to find the rightful owner of the Aivazovsky painting and step back out of the public view.

Episode 5: Sophie’s Bodyguard

Sophie goes to Moscow and acquires a tail the moment she lands at Domodedovo Airport. Is he FSB? One of the art thieves? She doesn’t know.

In Moscow, Sophie visits the Russian Archives and finds out the name of the owner of Moorhen Park in 1919. She visits Moorhen Park and meets Logan Johnson, a descendant of the noble family who owned the estate in 1919. They compare notes. Is he the rightful owner of the Aivazovsky painting? Time will tell.

On her way back to her hotel, she gets a flat tire. The tail, Maxim, stops to help her. When she confronts him about his following her, he tells her he is paid by Vitaly Burundukov to keep her safe. Is she safe? Seeing his gun in a holster under his jacket, she doesn’t feel safe. Or does Maxim have another agenda?

Episode 6: Kolya Holender’s Diary is Stolen

Sophie visits Falisa’s mother-in-law, Irina, who turns out to be the daughter of Kolya Holender, the writer of the 1919 diary. Irina wants the Aivazovsky painting returned to her.

When the taxi doesn’t arrive outside Irina’s hotel, Sophie is forced to ask Maxim for a ride back to the hotel. At the hotel’s front desk, Sophie picks up her laptop bag and finds out that someone has tampered with it. Then she finds her hotel room ajar. Someone has broken in.

Bill examines her laptop and discovers that someone has accessed the digital version of Kolya Holender’s diary. The art thief now knows the history of the Immortal Movement. Does the art thief know what he has in the diary. Or are Sophie and Bill suddenly a step behind?

Episode 7: The Immortal Movement Paintings Come to Light

At work at the Tretyakov Gallery, Sophie meets Arseny who asks her to come to his home and authenticate and appraise his paintings. There, she finds the paintings described in the 1919 diary. Who is Arseny? How did he acquire Immortal Movement paintings?

While she is in Arseny’s home, gunmen break in, kill Arseny, shoot Sophie, and steal the Immortal Movement Collection.

Maxim finds her bleeding and unconscious body and calls for an ambulance.

Episode 8: Sophie Finds the Immortal Movement Collection

Thought to have died of her gunshot wounds, Sophie secretly returns to the U. S. There she discovers her best friend Olivia has been having an affair with Vitaly Burundukov and that the affair has led her to assist Vitaly to smuggle stolen paintings from Russia into the U. S. Sophie forces Olivia to tell her where Vitaly is hiding the paintings.

At the gallery where Vitaly Burundukov’s smuggled paintings are on display, Sophie finds the Immortal Movement Collection among them. Vitaly tries to kill Sophie before she can talk, but she gets the upper hand and dispatches him.

Meanwhile, an FSB operative compares Sophie’s photograph to that of Sophie’s estranged mother, Yelena, and finds a striking resemblance.

Five Seasons Descriptions

Season 1 Title: Hidden Hoard

A. High Concept or major hook: Vanquishing the murderer and art thief without being exposed to the FSB.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From risk averse art professor to globetrotting art theft investigator.

C. Main Conflict: Following the trail of a killer/art thief while keeping out of the public eye.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie be recognized and killed by FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie experiences a freedom that she hasn’t felt since she was a child. More daring now, she’s eager to go boldly out into the world .

Season 2 Title: The Holy Grail

A. High Concept or major hook of the season: While on vacation in Rome, Sophie thwarts a terrorist attempt to capture The Holy Grail on tour at St. Peters Cathedral in the Vatican.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From being a San Francisco researcher/teaching professor to saving The Holy Grail from terrorists.

C. Main Conflict: Negotiating with terrorists without being killed; without being recognized by FSB, still hot on her trail.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie’s newly earned reputation for outfoxing terrorists expose her to the FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie decides to shop her art expertise out to law enforcement to recover stolen masterpieces.

Season 3: The Forgery

A. High Concept or major hook of the season: On a visit to an art exhibition at Oxford University in England, Sophie suspects the most valuable painting displayed is a fraud.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: She goes from being a successful negotiator to being a fraud detector.

C. Main Conflict: Someone at Oxford is a thief and a forger and will do anything to stop Sophie from finding out the truth.

D. Cliffhanger: Sophie sets a trap for an art forger.

Season 4: The Restoration

A. High Concept or major hook of the season: After agreeing to restore a wealthy family’s family portrait, Sophie discovers an Old Master underneath.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: She goes from being an art restorer to being a finder of a lost masterpiece.

C. Main Conflict: Someone in the family is a thief.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will her notoriety for finding the lost master lead her into the hands of the FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie is targeted by an art thief.

Season 5: The Trap

A. High Concept or major hook of the season: Sophie is asked by an insurance company to authenticate and appraise an Old Master, but it’s a trap set by FSB.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: Sophie goes from moving freely about the world to being trapped and taken prisoner by the FSB.

C. Main Conflict: Negotiating and fighting her way out of captivity.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie be killed by FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie turns the tables on the FSB.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Intrigue Patterns

What I learned doing this assignment is by using intrigue patterns, I can change a bland line into something much more interesting and intriguing.

Here’s the line I want to make more intriguing: “A risk averse art history professor competes with a ruthless Russian art thief to find a cache of masterpieces stolen during the Bolshevik Revolution …

A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean.

All Sophie wants to do is to stick to the rules imposed on her by the U. S. witness protection program, but one little mistake in front of a Russian art thief competing with her over a cache of Old Russian Masters, missing since the Bolshevik Revolution, could send her back to square one.

B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.

Sophie has successfully abided by the rules of witness protection for twenty years, but a near fatal attack on Zhora by a Russian art thief looking for a cache of Old Russian Masters could mean they’re true identities have been exposed.

C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc..

Sophie has advanced her career as an art history professor under an assumed name while living in witness protection. So why does a Russian art thief have an interest in her? And what is he grooming her for?

D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done _____________.

Sophie believes her father, Zhora, has been living quietly and abiding by witness protection rules for twenty years until he is gunned down by two Russian goons. Now, she suspects their cover is blown.

E. But maybe it is all wrong.

Sophie and Zhora lead quiet lives, she as a respected art history professor and he as a Russian translator, but suddenly something seems to be wrong. Zhora is nearly killed by Russian gunmen, who then burgle Sophie’s house.

F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences

Sophie lives a quiet, respected life as an art history professor until her father, Zhora, is gunned down by Russians, who then burgle Sophie’s house. What are the Russians after?

G. If he does ________________, that means ___Intrigue_____.

Just because Zhora is nearly killed by Russian goons and Sophie’s house gets burgled doesn’t mean their witness protection identities have been blown, does it?

H. State the mystery.

Who are the Russians who gunned down Zhora and burgled Sophie’s house? Could they be enemies from Zhora’s FSB past? Or is something else going on here?

I. Should be/could be _______, but it is even worse.

It’s a Russian defector’s success story that Sophie and Zhora have built new, successful lives in the U. S. while living in witness protection, but now that Zhora is struggling to overcome his attack and Sophie is trying to keep burglars at bay, their struggles to be normal may have been for naught.

J. Intense language.

Sophie and Zhora defected to the U. S. and learned to live under new identities in witness protection. What did they do that demanded they escape Russia?

I added “A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean” to the concept section. Later, I will rewrite the concept using this new line.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Intrigue Patterns

What I learned doing this assignment is by using intrigue patterns, I can change a bland line into something much more interesting and intriguing.

Here’s the line I want to make more intriguing: “A risk averse art history professor competes with a ruthless Russian art thief to find a cache of masterpieces stolen during the Bolshevik Revolution …

A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean.

All Sophie wants to do is to stick to the rules imposed on her by the U. S. witness protection program, but one little mistake in front of a Russian art thief competing with her over a cache of Old Russian Masters, missing since the Bolshevik Revolution, could send her back to square one.

B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.

Sophie has successfully abided by the rules of witness protection for twenty years, but a near fatal attack on Zhora by a Russian art thief looking for a cache of Old Russian Masters could mean they’re true identities have been exposed.

C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc..

Sophie has advanced her career as an art history professor under an assumed name while living in witness protection. So why does a Russian art thief have an interest in her? And what is he grooming her for?

D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done _____________.

Sophie believes her father, Zhora, has been living quietly and abiding by witness protection rules for twenty years until he is gunned down by two Russian goons. Now, she suspects their cover is blown.

E. But maybe it is all wrong.

Sophie and Zhora lead quiet lives, she as a respected art history professor and he as a Russian translator, but suddenly something seems to be wrong. Zhora is nearly killed by Russian gunmen, who then burgle Sophie’s house.

F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences

Sophie lives a quiet, respected life as an art history professor until her father, Zhora, is gunned down by Russians, who then burgle Sophie’s house. What are the Russians after?

G. If he does ________________, that means ___Intrigue_____.

Just because Zhora is nearly killed by Russian goons and Sophie’s house gets burgled doesn’t mean their witness protection identities have been blown, does it?

H. State the mystery.

Who are the Russians who gunned down Zhora and burgled Sophie’s house? Could they be enemies from Zhora’s FSB past? Or is something else going on here?

I. Should be/could be _______, but it is even worse.

It’s a Russian defector’s success story that Sophie and Zhora have built new, successful lives in the U. S. while living in witness protection, but now that Zhora is struggling to overcome his attack and Sophie is trying to keep burglars at bay, their struggles to be normal may have been for naught.

J. Intense language.

Sophie and Zhora defected to the U. S. and learned to live under new identities in witness protection. What did they do that demanded they escape Russia?

I added “A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean” to the concept section. Later, I will rewrite the concept using this new line.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s TV Pitch Bible Investigation

What I learned doing this assignment is that digging deeper into the TV Pitch Bible and BW Framework, I can find new layers of intrigue and more open loops that could move into another season. Very interesting!

I did a complete investigation of my TV Pitch Bible and BW Framework to discover more depth, layers, and intrigue and divided them into the following categories:

All my new ideas create more open loops. I added the following to my BW Framework.

· Olivia is Sophie’s friend.

· Olivia starts an affair with Vitaly Burundukov.

· Olivia receives stolen paintings from Vitaly Burundukov and looks the other way.

· Will Olivia come clean to Sophie and admit her collaboration with Vitaly, or will she join the forces again her.

· Peter Mordin, who owns an art gallery in downtown San Francisco, has often relied upon Sophie to clean and restore artwork.

· He’s agreed to show Vitaly’s paintings, knowing they’ve been smuggled into the country.

· When confronted with the truth of what Vitaly has done and is about to do, will he take side with him or Sophie?

· Aimee La Roux is Vitaly’s girlfriend. What if she finds out about his affair with Olivia?

· Will Aimee betray Vitaly?

· Will Aimee warn Sophie about Olivia?

· Yelena Tebieva is the mother who let Sophie defect with Zhora, so she could maintain her lavish lifestyle.

· Twenty years later, she seems to want to reconcile with Sophie. Will she give up her lavish lifestyle to do this?

· Or, has her life tanked in twenty years, causing her to want out of Russia.

· Will she try to find Sophie and lead the FSB to her?

The following I added to episode 8 of Season 1.

· Olivia is Sophie’s friend.

· Olivia starts an affair with Vitaly Burundukov.

· Olivia receives stolen paintings from Vitaly Burundukov and looks the other way.

· Will Olivia come clean to Sophie and admit her collaboration with Vitaly, or will she join the forces against her.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Show Summary

What I learned doing this assignment is summarizing the pilot as an inciting incident is relatively easy when you follow the prescribed outline and incorporate the key Binge Worthy components that elevate intrigue. This draft still is rough, but I’m feeling more and more confident.

PILOT AS INCITING INCIDENT

Outline:

1. Set up — Character’s normal situation.

Art history professor and portrait painter (expertise) Sophie Wolf teaches on the Lone Mountain Campus of the University of San Francisco. She lives an intentionally quiet life with her father Zhora Volkov, a Russian translator, and their cat, Koshechka. All this changes when Zhora and his fiancée, Falisa, are gunned down by Russians in front of Falisa’s house. (Undeserved Misfortune/Shocking Event).

2. Twist/Hook – Zhora believes the Russians who shot him and killed Falisa are enemies from the FSB past he and Sophie escaped twenty years earlier when they defected to the United States and entered witness protection (secret identities) (intriguing world).

3. Real situation – Major Empathy / Distress – At the hospital Sophie meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman and learns that Zhora was not leading the quiet life she supposed. His job as a Russian translator was a cover for his job as an informant for the FBI. Bill is his handler. She’s at once angry and scared. If Zhora’s shenanigans alerted the FSB to their true identities, they will have to change their names again and start all over somewhere else. (Empathy/Distress)<div>

4. Twist/Hook: After her hospital visit, Sophie comes home to find intruders there before her. She comes face-to-face with one of them before they get away. When Bill arrives and goes through the house to determine what the intruders were after, he discovers two things: One, there’s nothing in the house that would interest FSB. And, two, they seemed to be more interested in Sophie’s paintings than anything else. The mention of paintings suggests to Sophie a different reason for the Russians’ attack on Zhora and Falisa. They may have been there for Falisa’s oil paintings, which Sophie suspects are Old Russian Masterpieces.

5. Impossible to solve conflict or major mystery. To determine the true motive for the attack on Zhora and Falisa, Sophie insists Bill take her to Falisa’s house, which is still a crime scene find out if Falisa’s paintings are still there. He agrees. There, they find Falisa’s paintings missing. The Russians are not FSB. They’re art thieves. (Layer uncovered)

Final Hook into the Series – Extreme Dramatic Question – Sophie concludes her home invaders were after another of Falisa’s paintings, the one Sophie has been cleaning in her faculty office at Lone Mountain, the one she suspects is by Ivan Aivazovsky, one of the most brilliant seascape painters of all time.

The question now is how far will the Russian art thieves go to find the missing Aivazovsky painting which is worth upwards of $5 million.

ROUGH DRAFT OF SUMMARY

Art history professor and portrait painter Sophie Wolf teaches on the Lone Mountain Campus of the University of San Francisco. She lives an intentionally quiet life with her father Zhora Volkov, a Russian translator, and their cat, Koshechka. All this changes when Zhora and his fiancée, Falisa, are gunned down by Russians in front of Falisa’s house.

Before Zhora is transported to the hospital, he tells San Francisco Police Detective, Dave Sharp that he believes the Russians who shot him and killed Falisa are enemies from his past. Unbeknownst to Dave, Zhora and Sophie defected from Russia to the United States twenty years before and are living in witness protection.

At the hospital visiting critically injured Zhora, Sophie meets FBI Agent Bill Hillman and learns that Zhora was not leading the quiet life she supposed. His job as a Russian translator was a cover for his actual job as an FBI informant. She’s at once scared and angry. If Zhora’s shenanigans alerted the FSB to their true identities, they will be forced to change their names again and start all over somewhere else.

After her hospital visit, Sophie comes home to find intruders there before her. She reacts in terror when she comes face-to-face with one of them before they get away.

When Bill arrives and goes through the house to determine what the intruders were after, he discovers that there’s nothing in the house that would interest FSB and that they seemed to be more interested in Sophie’s paintings than anything else.

The mention of paintings suggests to Sophie a different reason for the Russians’ attack on Zhora and Falisa. They may have been there for Falisa’s oil paintings, which Sophie suspects are Old Russian Masterpieces.

To determine the true motive for the attack on Zhora and Falisa, Sophie insists Bill take her to Falisa’s house, which is still a crime scene and find out if Falisa’s paintings are still there. He agrees. There, they find Falisa’s paintings missing. The Russians are not FSB. They’re art thieves.

Sophie concludes her home invaders were after another of Falisa’s paintings, the one Sophie has been cleaning in her faculty office at Lone Mountain, the one she suspects is by Ivan Aivazovsky, one of the most brilliant seascape painters of all time.

How far will the Russian art thieves go to find the missing Aivazovsky painting which is worth upwards of $5 million? Will Bill be able to keep Sophie and Zhora safe until the thieves are apprehended?

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[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Episode Descriptions

Doing this assignment, I learned that I can create episode descriptions from bullet points that answer the questions: Hook/Intrigue? Main character journey? Major challenge/conflict? Action/Reaction? And Cliffhanger?

This was daunting, but I do have a rough draft of my first season’s episodes. I am amazed.

ORGANIZED EPISODE BULLET POINTS

IMMORTAL MOVEMENT

Season 1: The Lost Hoard

Episode 1: The Russians are Here

Hook/Intrigue: Zhora and his fiancée, Falisa , are gunned down outside Falisa’s house by Russians. Zhora is transported to the hospital. Falisa is headed for the morgue.<div>
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Main Character journey: Sophie has to face her fear that the Russian attackers are enemies from Zhora’s past.

<u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Major Challenge/Conflict: Sophie must reconcile herself to the fact that Zhora, who was supposed to be a Russian translator was actually working as an informant for the FBI.

<u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Action/Reaction: Sophie meets Bill, Zhora’s FBI handler, who knows about her and Zhora living under new identities in witness protection and who promises to be there for her while Zhora is hospitalized.

<u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Cliffhanger: But after leaving the hospital and entering her flat, Sophie realizes she’s not home alone.

Episode 2: The Russians are Art Thieves

· Hook/Intrigue: Sophie glimpses one of the burglars leaving her home.

· Main Character Journey: Sophie wants to believe that Bill can be trusted.

· Major Challenge/Conflict: When Sophie realizes she’s not alone in her home, she calls Bill, but he doesn’t answer. Can she trust him? Or is she on her own against intruders?

· Action/Reaction: Bill arrives at Sophie’s home as the burglars are getting away. After an inspection of the flat, they conclude that the burglars weren’t FSB, but they might be art thieves. Sophie was cleaning one of Falsa’s valuable paintings, a genuine Ivan Aivazovsky, before the attack.

· Cliffhanger: Bill and Sophie break into Falisa’s house, cordoned off by Police Crime Scene tape. Will they get caught by the police, or will they find out why the Russian attacked Zhora and Falisa?

Episode 3: An Art Thief’s Diary

· Hook/Intrigue: Sophie finds the diary of Kolya Holender from the time of the Bolshevik in Falsa’s self-storage unit that gives clues to the rightful owner of the Ivan Aivazovsky painting she was cleaning for Falisa.

· Main Character Journey: To find the rightful owner of the Aivazovsky painting, Sophie must find out who owned a Russian estate called Moorhen Park during the Bolshevik Revolution.

· Major Challenge/Conflict: To find out who owned Moorhen Park in 1919, Sophie must visit the Russian archives in person, but how can she do that without risking FSB finding out who she is?

· Action/Reaction: Sophie draws a picture of the Russian she confronted in her house.

· Cliffhanger: Inside her car, about to turn on the engine, the Russian hiding in the backseat puts a gun to her head.

Episode 4: An Invitation to Moscow

· Hook/Intrigue: Sophie is kidnapped by the Russian thief who broke into her house. He asks for the Aivazovsky painting as ransom.

· Main Character Journey: Sophie must keep her head until Bill rescues her from the kidnapper.

· Major Challenge/Conflict: Sophie is not in the clear because the art thief’s boss is determined to get the painting. He will kill her if he needs to.

· Action/Reaction: Sophie and Bill go to Sophie’s Russian Exhibition reception. There she meets Leonid, the Director of the Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow. He offers her a summer job at the Tretyakov.

· Cliffhanger: Will Sophie risk being discovered by the FSB to find the rightful owner of the Aivazovsky painting.

Episode 5: Sophie’s Bodyguard

· Hook/Intrigue: Sophie goes to Moscow and acquires a tail the moment she lands at Domodedovo Airport.

· Main Character Journey: Sophie must face her fear that FSB is tailing her.

· Major Challenge/Conflict: Despite her fear, Sophie visits the Russian Archives and Moorhen Park.

· Action/Reaction: On her way back from visiting Moorhen Park, Sophie has a flat tire.

· Cliffhanger: The tail and offers to help her.

Episode 6: Kolya Holender’s Diary is Stolen

· Hook/Intrigue: Sophie visits Falisa’s mother-in-law, Irina, who turns out to be the daughter of Kolya Holender, the writer of the 1919 diary. She wants the Aivazovsky painting returned.

· Main Character Journey: Sophie has to face her fear of Vitaly Burundukov’s bodyguard, Maxim.

· Major Challenge/Conflict: In order to get back to the hotel, Sophie must ask Maxim for a ride.

· Action/Reaction: Maxim takes Sophie back to the hotel. When she collects her laptop bag from the hotel desk clerk, she suspects it’s been tampered with.

· Cliffhanger: At her hotel room, she finds the door ajar.

Episode 7: Art Thieves Steal Immortal Movement Paintings

· Hook/Intrigue: At the Tretyakov Gallery, Sophie meets Arseny and finds out that he has part of the Immortal Movement Hoard described in the 1919 diary.

· Main Character Journey:

· Major Challenge/Conflict:

· Action/Reaction: At Arseny’s house, while Sophie inspects the Immortal Movement paintings, gunmen come in and kill Arseny and shoot Sophie.

· Cliffhanger: Maxim finds Sophie collapsed at Arseny’s house.

Episode 8: Sophie Finds the Stolen Paintings

· Hook/Intrigue: Thought to have died of gunshot wounds, Sophie secretly returns to the U. S.

· Main Character Journey: Sophie must accept the fact that her best friend, Olivia, has betrayed her by passing stolen Russian paintings through her museum for Vitaly Burundukov.

· Major Challenge/Conflict: To stop Vitaly, Sophie must go to the gallery where he is showing stolen paintings.

· Action/Reaction: Sophie forces Olivia to take her to the gallery, where she finds the Immortal Movement Hoard hanging on the walls. Vitaly tries to kill Sophie before she can talk, but she gets the upper hand and dispatches him.

· Cliffhanger: In Russia, an FSB operative compares Sophie’s photo to that of Yelena and suspects her of being the defector Zhora’s daughter.

ROUGH DRAFTS OF EPISODES

Episode 1: The Russians Are Here

Zhora and Falisa are gunned down by two Russian men in front of Falisa’s house. Zhora is transported to a hospital and Falisa to a morgue. At the hospital, Sophie learns that Zhora is not really a Russian translator. He’s actually an organized Russian crime informant for FBI Agent Bill Hillman. Bill knows that Zhora and Sophie are in witness protection and promises to protect them.

Arriving home from the hospital, Sophie finds she’s not alone in her apartment. She calls Bill, but he doesn’t answer. She realizes she can’t depend on anyone but herself.

Episode 2: The Russians are Art Thieves

Sophie comes face-to-face with one of the intruders. Bill arrives at Sophie’s apartment as the intruders are getting away. A search of the apartment convinces Bill the intruders are not FSB and Sophie that the intruders are art thieves after Falisa’s paintings, an Ivan Aivazovsky original, which is still in Sophie’s possession.

To verify the Russians are art thieves, Bill and Sophie got to Falisa’s house and investigate. All the while, they fear being discovered by the police, who still have the house cordoned off by crime scene tape.

Episode 3: An Art Thief’s Diary

Reading the diary, Sophie finds out that the Aivazovsky she has in her office was stolen from a Russian estate called Moorhen Park in 1919. She tries to obtain the original owner’s name online, but it’s not available to her unless she goes to the Russian Archives in person.

Sophie draws a picture of her house intruder shortly before he kidnaps her asking for the Aivazovsky painting as ransom.

Episode 4: An Art Thief’s Confession

As a kidnap victim, Sophie manages to keep her head until Bill comes to the rescue. He apprehends the art thief and obtains a confession from him, which suggests he’s a small fry in the scheme of things. Someone much more dangerous than he is pulling the strings.

Sophie and Bill go to a reception to kick off the Exhibition of Russian paintings Sophie has been working on. He thinks the art thief may be there, either as a donor or as someone looking for the missing Aivazovsky painting.

While at the reception, Sophie meets Leonid, the Director of the Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow. On Vitaly Burundukov’s recommendation , he offers her a summer job at the Tretyakov. If she accepts the job, she will be breaking the rules of witness protection and putting her at risk of being discovered by FSB.

Episode 5: Sophie’s Bodyguard

Sophie goes to Moscow and acquires a tail the moment she lands at Domodedovo Airport. Is he FSB? One of the art thieves? She doesn’t know.

In Moscow, Sophie visits the Russian Archives and finds out the name of the owner of Moorhen Park in 1919. She visits Moorhen Park. On her way back to the hotel, she gets a flat tire. The tail, Maxim, stops to help her. When she confronts him about his following her, he tells her he is paid by Vitaly Burundukov to keep her safe.

Episode 6: Kolya Holender’s Diary is Stolen

Sophie visits Falisa’s mother-in-law, Irina, who turns out to be the daughter of Kolya Holender, the writer of the 1919 diary. She wants the Aivazovsky returned to her.

When the taxi doesn’t come outside Irina’s hotel, Sophie is forced to ask Maxim for a ride back to the hotel. At the hotel’s front desk, Sophie picks up her laptop bag and finds out that someone has tampered with it. Then she finds her hotel room ajar. Someone has broken in.

Bill examines her laptop and discovers that someone has accessed the digital version of Kolya Holender’s diary.

Episode 7: The Immortal Movement Paintings Come to Light

At work at the Tretyakov Gallery, Sophie meets Arseny who asks her to come to his home and authenticate and appraise his paintings. She goes and realizes that his collection is part of the Immortal Movement Collection as described in the 1919 diary.

While she is in Arseny’s home, gunmen break in, kill Arseny, shoot Sophie, and steal the Immortal Movement Collection. Maxim finds her bleeding and unconscious body and calls for an ambulance.

Episode 8: Sophie Finds the Immortal Movement Collection

Thought to have dies of her gunshot wounds, Sophie secretly returns to the U. S. There she discovers that her best friend Olivia has been aiding Vitaly Burundukov to smuggle stolen paintings from Russia into the U. S. She forces Olivia to tell her where they are.

At the gallery where Vitaly Burundukov’s smuggle paintings are on display, Sophie finds the Immortal Movement Collection on the walls. Vitaly tries to kill Sophie before she can talk, but she gets the upper hand and dispatches him.

Meanwhile, an FSB operative compares Sophie’s photograph to that of Sophie’s estranged mother, Yelena, and finds a striking resemblance.

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[Madeleine Vessel]

MADELEINE VESSEL’S Episode List Rough Draft

What I learned doing this assignment is that it is possible to flesh out a season by using Hal’s step-by-step method. I found it complicated and difficult at first. It’s still rough, but I do find that my mind continues to percolate. I can see the first season starting to make sense but also changing from what I originally envisioned.

Walking In Shadows

Season 1: The Hidden Hoard

Episode 1: Zhora and Falisa are attacked by Russian Thieves

· Zhora and Falisa are attacked by Russians.

· Zhora, the lone survivor of the attack, believes the assailants were enemies from his past.

· Bill steps up to protect Zhora and Sophie.

· After seeing Zhora in the hospital, Sophie returns home to find burglars in her house.

Episode 2: Russians burglers in Sophie’s house escape being caught.

· Sophie suspects the burglars were looking for Falisa’s fourth painting.

· Sophie and Bill break into Falisa’s house and find all her paintings gone.

· Sophie and Bill search Falisa’s storage unit, where Sophie finds an art thief’s diary.

· One of the Russian art thieves, Falisa’s murderer, is found dead, floating in San Francisco Bay.

· Sophie is kidnapped by the remaining Russian art thieves.

Episode 3: Sophie is ransomed for Falisa’s fourth painting.

· Bill chases the car with the kidnapper and Sophie inside.

· Bill captures and arrests the kidnapper, but he’s not the big boss.

· Sophie loans the fourth Old Master to the Russian Exhibition to keep it safe from thieves.

· Bill and Sophie go to the Russian Art Exhibition together. They make a good-looking couple

Episode 4: Bill suspects the kidnapper will attend the Russian Art Exhibition.

· One of the exhibition guests is the director of Moscow’s Tretyakov Gallery.

· Vitaly Burundukov recommends Sophie for a summer job at the Tretyakov.

· It’s against the rules of witness protection to travel to Russia, but Sophie goes anyway.

· One of Burundukov’s men follows Sophie the minute she lands in Moscow

Episode 5: Sophie gains access to Russian archives and works at the Tretyakov

· At the Russian Archives, Sophie identifies Russian nobles victimized by Lenin.

· Sophie visits a victims’ home and runs into one of the donors to her San Francisco exhibition.

· Sophie authenticates and appraises paintings for wealthy Russian collectors.

Episode 6: Sophie finds part of The Immortal Movement Hoard

· Sophie visits a wealthy art collector’s home, finds Immortal Movement paintings.

· Russian thugs break into the house, kill the collector, and shoot Sophie.

· Burundukov’s bodyguard finds her near death and calls an ambulance.

· Her life hangs in the balance.

Episode 7: Sophie’s death notice is published

· Thought to be dead, Sophie secretly returns to the U. S.

· She discovers that her friend Olivia is accepting stolen Russian paintings at her museum.

· Sophie learns that the paintings are going to go on display at a San Francisco art gallery.

· Sophie forces Olivia to take her to the gallery exhibition

Episode 8: Sophie finds the Immortal Movement Hoard

· At the exhibition, Sophie and Olivia find the Immortal Mortal Movement Hoard on display.

· The Art Thief recognizes Sophie and realizes she’s not dead.

· The Art Thief chases Olivia and Sophie with a gun.

· Sophie and the art thief confront one another. She gets the upper hand

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Five Seasons

What I learned doing this assignment is that even though it seemed impossible to think ahead five seasons, using the stair step process made it happen. My draft is VERY ROUGH, but it’s a lot further along than I ever imagined it would be. It’s also taking a very different turn than I imagined. Yay!!

Series Title: Out From the Shadows

SEASON 1 Title: THE HIDDEN HOARD

A. High Concept or major hook: Vanquishing the murderer and art thief without being exposed to the FSB.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From risk averse art professor to globetrotting art theft investigator.

C. Main Conflict: Following the trail of a killer/art thief while keeping out of the public eye.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie be recognized and killed by FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie experiences a freedom that she hasn’t felt since she was a child. More daring now, she’s eager to go boldly out into the world .

SEASON 2 Title: THE HOLY GRAIL

A. High Concept or major hook of the season. While on vacation in Rome, Sophie thwarts a terrorist takeover to capture The Holy Grail on tour at St. Peters Cathedral in the Vatican.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From being a San Francisco researcher/teaching professor to saving The Holy Grail from terrorists.

C. Main Conflict: Negotiating with terrorists without being killed; without being recognized by FSB, still hot on her trail.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie’s newly earned reputation for outfoxing terrorists expose her to the FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie decides to shop her art expertise out to law enforcement to recover stolen masterpieces.

SEASON 3 title: THE FORGERY

A. High Concept or major hook of the season. On a visit to an art exhibition at Oxford University in England, Sophie suspects the most valuable painting displayed is a fraud.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: She goes from being a successful negotiator to being a fraud detector.

C. Main Conflict: Someone at Oxford is a thief and a forger and will do anything to stop Sophie from finding out the truth.

D. Cliffhanger: Sophie sets a trap for an art forger.

SEASON 4 Title: THE RESTORATION

A. High Concept or major hook of the season. After agreeing to restore a wealthy family’s family portrait, Sophie discovers an Old Master underneath.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: She goes from being an art restorer to being a finder of a lost masterpiece.

C. Main Conflict: Someone in the family is a thief.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will her notoriety for finding the lost master lead her into the hands of the FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie is targeted by an art thief.

SEASON 5 Title: THE TRAP

A. High Concept or major hook of the season. Sophie is asked by an insurance company to authenticate and appraise an Old Master, but it’s a trap set by FSB.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: Sophie goes from moving freely about the world to being trapped and taken prisoner by the FSB.

C. Main Conflict: Negotiating and fighting her way out of captivity.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will Sophie be killed by FSB?

E. Cliffhanger: Sophie turns the tables on the FSB.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Character Descriptions

What I learned doing this assignment is that I can create compelling and complex character descriptions by plucking key ingredients from my BW Framework. I’m thoroughly amazed.

KEY INGREDIENTS PLUCKED FROM MY BW FRAMEWORK:

SOPHIE WOLF

Role: An art history professor, living in U. S. witness protection, whose main goal is to keep hers and her real identity from being discovered by Russia’s FSB. To do this, she must find and bring to justice Falisa’s killer, who also is an art thief.

Noteworthy Traits: Smart, caring, daring, religious.

Intriguing History: The fact that she is a Russian defector living in witness protection.

Intrigue: Willing to risks once her father has been harmed and she has been kidnapped and ransomed for an Old Master she has in her possession. Will she be able to outfox the art thief and stay alive? Will she be able to keep her true identity from being discovered by FSB.

Mystery: Why did she and her father defect from Russian and become part of the U. S. witness protection program?

Support or drive the conflict: Pushing herself and Bill into deadly situations.

Irony: In order to live a somewhat normal life, she needs to abide by the rules of witness protection. If she doesn’t find Falisa’s killer, who keeps focusing public attention on her and her father, she is in danger of being discovered by the FSB.

Opposing agendas: She wants to abide by the rules of witness protection in order to keep safe her identity. She must break the rules in order to find the killer and thief who keeps exposing her to public scrutiny.

Unpredictable: With each step she takes, she increasingly jeopardizes her witness protection cover.

Intriguing relationships: Vitaly, Bill, Olivia

BILL HILLMAN:

Role: FBI agent who is Zhora’s handler and Sophie’s protector and love interest.

Noteworthy Traits: Caring, Conservative, Smart, Daring

Intriguing History: His wife who was killed by a hit and run driver.

Intrigue: Willing to enter into combat, kill, and put himself in danger to protect Sophie. Will FSB catch him posing as an Interpol instructor when he really is an FBI Agent. Will his actions cause an international incident?

Mystery: Who killed his wife and why?

Drive conflict: Pressuring Russian bodyguard.

Irony: He is at once Zhora’s handler and his witness protection keeper. As Sophie’s protector, he is dragged into her scheme to get to the bottom of who killed Falisa and stole her paintings.

Opposing Agendas:

Unpredictable: With every step he takes with Sophie to Russia, the more likely he is to be exposed as FBI and cause an international incident with Russia.

Intriguing relationship: Sophie, Dave, his daughter, Zhora

VITALY BURUNDUKOV

Role: Villain. He is a Russian Oligarch with only one purpose, to get back what rightfully belongs to him.

Noteworthy Traits: Ruthless, reckless, bold

Intriguing History: He’s descended from a Russian noble family, robbed and killed during the Bolshevik Revolution.

Intrigue: Willing to commit crimes, intends to kill Sophie, intends to sell stolen Old Russian Masters for millions.

Mystery: Where are the rest of the Old Russian Masters that fell into the hands of the Immortal Movement during the Bolshevik Revolution?

Drive conflict: Thinks nothing of engaging in deadly situations, willing to kill, willing to steal to get what he wants.

Irony: Acts as an art enthusiast while stealing art.

Opposing Agendas:

Unpredictable: With every step he takes, he is likely to get caught by either Russian or American authorities,

Intriguing relationship: Falisa’s mother-in-law, Sophie, Olivia, Peter

SEQUENCING KEY INGREDIENTS INTO START, MIDDLE, AND END

SOPHIE WOLF

START: An art history professor, living in U. S. witness protection after defecting from Russia, whose purpose is to keep secret hers and her father’s true identies from being discovered by Russia’s FSB. To do this, she must find and bring to justice Falisa’s killer, who also is an art thief.

MIDDLE: Smart, caring, daring, religious. Murder of Falisa puts her and Zhora in the public eye, making them vulnerable to being recognized by FSB. Will she shut down public scrutiny by solving the murder and art theft cases?

END: Wants to abide by the rules of witness protection in order to keep safe her and her father’s identity, but must break the rules in order to find the killer/thief who keeps exposing her to public scrutiny. Every step she takes jeopardizes her witness protection cover.

BILL HILLMAN:

START: FBI agent who is Zhora’s handler and Sophie’s protector and love interest.

MIDDLE: Caring, smart, and daring. Poses as an Interpol Instructor, putting himself in danger of creating an international incident between Russian and the U. S. Will the FSB catch him?

END: With every step he takes with Sophie to Russia, the more likely he is to be exposed as FBI and cause an international incident with Russia.

VITALY BURUNDUKOV

START: A descendant of a Russian noble family, robbed and killed during the Bolshevik Revolution, he now is a Russian Oligarch with only one purpose, to get back what was stolen from him and his family.

MIDDLE: Ruthless, reckless, bold. Willing to commit crimes. Intends to kill Sophie to cover his tracks. Determined to find and seize all the Old Russian Masters that were stolen and kept safe by the Immortal Movement.

END: Underestimates Sophie Wolf’s determination to get to the Immortal Movement Paintings before him. Underestimate Sophie’s determination to stay alive.

ROUGH DRAFTS OF CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS:

SOPHIE WOLF

Dr. Sophie Wolf is art history professor, living in U. S. and abiding by witness protection rules after defecting from Russia. Her purpose is to keep her father and herself safe from the FSB, who doggedly search for them.

When Falisa’s murder and the theft of her Old Russian Masters threatens to expose Sophie and Zhora to public scrutiny, putting them in jeopardy of being discovered by FSB, Sophie determines to find and bring to justice the killer/art thief. During her investigation, she learns that a group calling themselves The Immortal Movement stole Old Russian Masters from under Lenin’s nose during the Bolshevik Revolution to keep them from being sold out of the country. She suspects that Falisa’s killer is after the Immortal Movement’s paintings.

Smart, daring, and caring, Sophie will take any risk necessary to find out who murdered Falisa and stole her paintings, including travel to Russia and work for the Tretyakov Gallery. Every step she takes jeopardizes her witness protection cover.

BILL HILLMAN

Bill Hillman is an FBI Agent working Russian organized crime and using Sophie’s father, Zhora ,as a paid informant. When Zhora is critically injured and Falisa is murdered by some Russian villain, caring, smart, and daring Bill’s purpose changes to protecting Zhora and Sophie, not only from Falisa’s murderer, but also from the FSB, hot on their heels.

Bill finds himself teaming up with Sophie to bring the villain to justice. With every step he takes with Sophie to Russia, posing as an Interpol instructor, the more likely he is to be exposed as FBI and cause an international incident between the U. S. and Russia. Every step he takes with Sophie brings them closer.

VITALY BURUNDUKOV

Vitaly Burundukov, a descendant of a Russian noble family, robbed and killed during the Bolshevik Revolution, is a Russian Oligarch with only one purpose, to get back what was stolen from him and his family. Ruthless, reckless, and bold, he is willing to commit crimes. From the beginning, he ntends to kill Sophie to cover his tracks.

Determined to find and seize Old Russian Masters that were stolen and kept safe by the Immortal Movement, he underestimates Sophie Wolf’s determination to stay alive and to get to the Immortal Movement Paintings before him.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Intriguing Concept and World

What I learned doing this assignment is to create a TV Pitch Bible, I first need to define my story’s concept and the world in which it takes place. I also learned how important finding hooks are to writing these definitions

A young art history professor embarks on a dangerous adventure when she unwittingly competes with a ruthless Russian art thief to find a cache of masterpieces stolen during the Bolshevik Revolution.

A young art history professor steps into danger when she unwittingly becomes the pawn of a ruthless Russian art thief pursuing a cache of masterpieces stolen during the Bolshevik Revolution.

My Concept:

A. A risk averse art history professor competes with a ruthless Russian art thief to find a cache of masterpieces stolen during the Bolshevik Revolution …

B. …when she learns that a violent attack on her father and the killing of his fiancée was perpetrated by an art thief, seeking Old Russian Masters missing since the Bolshevik Revolution…

C. …discovering her true brave and heroic nature…

D. …as she slowly grows from a quiet-living art history professor, focused on keeping secret her true identity as a Russian defector, into a daring, globetrotting art crime investigator.

My Story’s World:

Unique Sub-World: The violent underworld of Russian art thieves, beginning with Lenin during the Bolshevik Revolution.

Previously unexplored: How to keep safe her secret identity as a Russian defector sought after by the FSB while investigating theft and murder.

The unknown: Will the FSB learn who she and her father really are?

The unseen: Russian police investigation; Art thief’s plan to use heroine to find more Old Russian Masters, stolen during the Bolshevik Revolution.

Unheard of Dangers: The FSB ruthlessly eliminates enemies of the state. Art thieves will kill to obtain paintings of great price.

Reason to explore it: Accepting an opportunity to work for the Tretyakov Gallery gives the heroine access to Moscow archives and the descendants of the Russian nobles who were victimized by Lenin during the Bolshevik Revolution, some of whom became thieves themselves.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel has completed the BW Framework!

What I learned doing this process is that by creating a BW Framework, I am making decisions about what makes the show great. The BW Framework I created is already a great instant reference source moving forward.

Yay!

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Creating Irony!

Doing this assignment, I learned what irony is and how to create it through characters and situations. I was surprised to find so many places in my story idea where irony already exists.

ASSIGNMENT 1: SUPERNATURAL

On the character level, the irony I’ve already discovered in SUPERNATURAL is one of conflicting values.

Sam, who is always rebelling, running away, and wanting something different for himself than what his father and brother want for him, always drops what he’s doing to help them because they are his FAMILY. It constantly comes down to the conflict between the love of self and the love of the other.

1. Sam is hitchhiking when he runs across a female hitchhiker. She’s instantly scared of him. When a van with a shady-looking driver stops and picks only her up, we must wonder why she wouldn’t be more afraid of the van driver than of Sam. Sam actually looks wholesome.

2. Later, Sam meets the girl again. Buy now, she’s jettisoned the van driver. When he asks her why she’s going to California, she describes for him a family life almost identical to his own in that neither of them want to be told what to do even by good and loving parents. They rejoice together that they are living their own lives, not the lives their parents would have for them.

3 Then, on the phone, Dean tells Sam, he should live his own life. “You know what you want. Go after it… I admire you for that.” Sam doesn’t quite know how to react to what Dean has said. How can he rebel when Dean is telling him to do what he wants?

4 Later, when Sam can’t get Dean to answer his phone, Sam abandons his journey to California to find his brother. He tells the girl, “He’s my family.”

5 At the same time, Dean and a young woman are about to be sacrificed to a pagan god by town members, even though she is a family member of those doing the sacrificing. For those conducting the ritual sacrifice, it is more loving to sacrifice one member for the greater good than to risk themselves to save one.

On the situational level, the irony is this: In order to get X, they must give up Y.

ASSIGNMENT 2: My Show

Situations or Character Components that can go opposite to create irony:

1. To the people in San Francisco’s Russian community, Zhora is a Russian language translator, whom they go to for help. Actually he is undercover as an FBI informant in the community to ferret out Russian organized crime members. He is spying on his own.

2. Sophie has lived her whole life trying to maintain her new identity and her assigned place in witness protection. But to find out who harmed Zhora and killed Falisa and bring them to justice, she will need to break every rule in the witness protection book.

3. Bill’s job is to handle Zhora and to keep Sophie and Zhora safe. But every step he takes following after Sophie, the more likely he is to be exposed and cause an international incident with Russia.

4. Bill is still looking for his wife’s killer. This could develop into a choice of in order to get X, he must give up Y.

5. Bill enters Russia as a member of Interpol and an expert on organized crime, hiding his true identity as an F.B.I Agent, in order to keep Sophie safe. The situation appears to be X, but it is really Y.

6. Sophie goes to Moscow as a visiting art expert, but really she is there to find stolen paintings and a killer. The situation appears to be X, but it is really Y.

7. On the surface, Vitaly is an Russian art enthusiast who has donated considerable money to Sophie’s Russian exhibition. But actually, he is an art thief who is using her to find more stolen paintings. The situation appears to be X, but it is really Y.

8. Olivia is Sophie’s best friend, but unbeknownst to Sophie, Olivia is having a secret affair with Vitaly and helping him to move stolen paintings into the U.S. The situation appears to be X, but it is really Y.

9. Sophie’s estranged mother, who did not defect with Zhora and Sophie, wants to see her daughter and apologize. She will need to give up X (her prestigious position in Russia) to get Y (Back her relationship with her daughter).

10. The painting Sophie saves from being stolen turns about to have been stolen from her family during the Bolshevik Revolution.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Plot and Character Layers

What I learned doing this assignment is that adding a second plot layer can keep viewers interested season after season. I also learned how to think about and create plot layers and character layers.

ASSIGNMENT 1: EXAMPLE SHOW

Watch the next episode of your Example Show and notice how layers show up in this show — both in this episode and throughout the episodes you’ve already seen.

Tell us the layers you have discovered in the Example Show.

PLOT LAYERS:

· Mystery revealed: Happy family torn apart after mother mysteriously killed by something evil in the family home.

· Major scheme revealed: Father, a demon hunter, kept his remaining family members together, raising his two sons to be demon hunters.

· Younger son, Sam, opts out of the family business to go to college.

· Older son, Dean, assists his father until his father goes missing.

· Hidden plan: Father’s desire to keep his family together. Father keeps his family together by going missing, causing Dean to talk Sam into abandoning college to come with him to find his father even though Sam doesn’t think that hunting demons is something his mother would want for either him or Dean.

· Hidden Plan. The father is not really missing, but he doesn’t want to meet up with his sons for some mysterious reason. Either by texting or by information in the journal he left the sons, the father continually sends his sons on hunts for supernatural creatures harming people.

CHARACTER LAYERS:

Secret identity: They are secretly demon hunters.Character intrigue: They boys don’t see eye-to-eye. Dean blindly follows his father’s instructions. Sam questions everything his father wants them to do. <div>

Character intrigue: Sam has bad dreams and premonitions.

Hidden relationships and conspiracies: Sam harbors resentment toward Dean, who convinced him to go after their father.

Hidden Character history: Dean carried baby Sam to safety after his mother was killed and the house caught on fire.

<div>

ASSIGNMENT 2: MY SHOW

PLOT LAYERS – Story beneath the story.

• Major scheme revealed: Falisa killed and Zhora by Vitaly during art robbery.</div><div>

• Mystery revealed: Zhora and Sophie are living in witness protection. Thought the story was one thing, but it is another. On the surface the story is about solving a murder and an art theft. Below the surface, it is about keeping the Russians from finding and killing Zhora and Sophie.

• Major shift in Meaning: Hidden history: Sophie and Zhora were Russian citizens before they defected.

• Hidden plan: Vitaly wants to sell all the stolen paintings as his own at a gallery in San Francisco. They were worth millions.

• Major betrayal: Olivia betrays Sophie by having an affair with Vitaly and agreeing to help him bring stolen Russian paintings into the U. S.

• Major betrayal: Olivia betrays Vitaly by taking Sophie to the art sale.

CHARACTER LAYERS – identity beneath the identity.

• Secret identity: Sophie Wolf is really Sofia Tebieva; Zhora Wolf is really ____ Tebieva.Character </div>

• intrigue: Olivia is Sophie’s best friend and also villain Vitaly’s love interest.

• Hidden relationships and conspiracies: Bill is Zhora’s secret handler for the FBI.

• Hidden Character history: On the surface, Sophie Wolf is an art history professor at the University of San Francisco. Beneath the surface, Sophie is a Russian defector in danger of being discovered and killed.

<div>

POSSIBLE SEQUENCE OF REVEALS

Plot Surface:

• Layer 1: Major scheme revealed: Falisa killed and Zhora by Vitaly during art robbery.</div><div>

• Layer 2: Mystery revealed: Zhora and Sophie are living in witness protection.

• Layer 3: Hidden history: Sophie and Zhora were Russian citizens before they defected.

• Layer 4: Thought the story was one thing, but it is another. On the surface the story is about solving a murder and an art theft. Below the surface, it is about keeping the Russians from finding and killing Zhora and Sophie.

• Layer 5: Major betrayal: Olivia betrays Sophie by having an affair with Vitaly and agreeing to help him

• Layer 6: Hidden plan: Vitaly wants to sell all the stolen paintings as his own at a gallery in San Francisco. They were worth millions. • Layer 7: Major betrayal: Olivia betrays Vitaly by taking Sophie to the art sale.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Character Surface:

• Layer 1: Hidden relationships and conspiracies: Bill is Zhora’s secret handler for the FBI.</div>

• Layer 2: Secret identity: Sophie Wolf is really Sofia Tebieva; Zhora Wolf is really ____ Tebieva.

• Layer 3: Hidden Character history: On the surface, Sophie Wolf is an art history professor at the University of San Francisco. Beneath the surface, Sophie is a Russian defector in danger of being discovered and killed.

• Layer 4: Character intrigue: Olivia is Sophie’s best friend and also villain Vitaly’s love interest.

• Layer 5: Vitaly’s true identity and the fact that he is the villain is revealed.Layer 6: Sophie’s and Bill’s mutual affection is revealed.

</div>

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Big Picture Open Loops

What I learned doing this assignment is that big picture open loops create questions in viewers about the future that can only be answered by watching future episodes. This is opposed to mysteries which create questions about the past.

ASSIGNMENT 1

SUPERNATURAL

Big Picture Open Loops established early in the season:

1. Will Sam and Dean find their father who has gone missing?

2. Will Sam and Dean find out who killed their mother and Sam’s girlfriend?

3. Will Sam return give up on finding his father and return to college, or will he continue to work with his brother to find their father and to hunt down demons along the way?

4. Will Sam and his father reconcile?

5. Will Sam and Dean reconcile their differences? These aren’t big, but they definitely remember their childhoods differently.

Episode 9 of SUPERNATURAL: How those big picture open loops are being used to create the need to see future episodes:

This season begins in the house where Sam and Dean lived as children, where his mother was killed by some kind of fiery demon. Then Sam has a vision of a woman trapped in their old house. At the close of the episode, we see that the father is still alive, but he doesn’t want to see them because he first needs to find out some mysterious truth.

1. Will Sam and Dean return to their childhood home based on one of Sam’s dreams that a woman living there is in trouble?

2. Is the evil working in their old house now, the same evil that was working in the house when the boys were kids?

3. Will they be able to get rid of the evil spirits in that house before they kill the mother and children presently living there?

4. Is the evil spirit gone forever?

5. Why doesn’t the boy’s father want to see them?

6. What truth is the father looking for?

ASSIGNMENT 2

1. Brainstorming the big picture open loops for my first season that will keep the audience captivated.

GOALS:

New goals: Keep to the rules of witness protection.Keep from blowing her identity.Find out who killed Falisa and gravely injured Zhora and why.Find out why someone broke into her house.Zhora’s goal to marry Falisa is crushed by her killing.

CONSEQUENCES:

Are Sophie and Bill going to be caught trespassing on Falisa’s crime scene?Are Sophie and Zhora’s true identities going to be discovered by the FSB?Is Sophie going to die at the hands of her kidnapper?

SOLVING PROBLEMS:

Sophie’s major problem is solving Falisa’s murder while keeping her witness protection intact.Sophie and Bill are trying to find out who killed Falisa and gravely injured Zhora.Sophie and Bill are trying to find out who the art thieves are.Major change imposed on character? When Sophie tries to keep one of Falisa’s paintings safe from thieves, she becomes a target.

RELATIONSHIPS:

Sophie is forming a new relationship with Bill.Sophie’s relationship with Olivia is in peril. Sophie and Bill disagree about her involvement in the investigation. Sophie’s and Bill’s grow closer.

DANGER / SURVIVAL / RISKS:

Can Sophie survive Vitaly?Can Sophie and Zhora survive the FSB?Will Sophie’s decision to go to Moscow put her in danger of losing her witness protection status? Of revealing her true identity? Of being killed? Will Sophie’s decision to go to Moscow put Bill in danger? Put the art collector in danger?

2. My top 5-8 Big Picture Open Loops,

· Can Sophie and Zhora keep their true identities hidden?

· Will Sophie and Bill find out who killed Falisa and gravely injured Falisa?

· Will Sophie get back Falisa’s paintings?

· Will Sophie survive Vitaly’s efforts to kill her?

Are Sophie and Bill going to be together?

· Will the FSB discover Sophie’s and Zhora’s true identities?

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Show Mysteries

What I learned doing this assignment is that one of the ways to invite viewer obsession is to engage them in two kinds of mysteries, one that is a shocking event that must be investigated and one that is an over time mystery that won’t be solved until the end of the season.

ASSIGNMENT 1

Mysteries from SUPER ATURAL:

Shocking Event Mystery

Shocking Event: Gas worker falls down into a hole, where he is attacked and killed by beetles that disintegrate his brain, causing him to be erroneously diagnosed as having died of mad cow disease. A home developer’s salesperson dies of spider bites in the shower when spiders come out of the shower nozzle<div>

Secret: The siblings pose as the dead man’s nephews. Then they pose as homebuyers. The homebuilder’s son is into insects.

Investigation: Sam and Dean read about it in the newspaper and start an investigation.

Reveals:

Who – Nature in the form of Insects carrying out a curse.

What – killed by beetles crawling all over him. He was found mysteriously bleeding from his eyes, ears, nose, etc.

Why – Revenge by a Native American who was killed with his community by cavalry.

Where – Sink hole

How – Beetles devoured his brains.

Part Withheld: Who and Why: We don’t know who killed the gas worker or why he was killed.

Over Time Mystery

Sam’s and Dean’s Father goes missing while on a hunting trip, leaving his journal behind.

Shocking Event: Sam’s mother and girlfriend died suddenly and violently by some kind of demon.</div><div>

Cover up: While they are looking for their father, they solve demon crimes and punish the culprits.

Secret: Sam and Dean are demon hunters, trained by their father, whose ultimate goal is to find out who killed his wife and the siblings’ mother.

Reveals: Their father left a journal behind. It contains everything he knows about hunting and killing demons.

Who:

What: Killed wife and girlfriend

Why:

Where: They were both killed in their own homes in front of their loved one.How: Violent attack.

Part Withheld: Who and why

ASSIGNMENT 2

Two mysteries for my show, One shows up strong in the Pilot. The other is revealed over time.

Shocking Event Mystery

Shocking Event: Falisa is murdered and Zhora is critically injured.</div>

Secret: Paintings stolen from Falisa during the attack were already stolen property.

Investigation: Sophie and Bill discover that, except one, Falisa’s paintings were stolen during the attack.

<div>

Who: Vitaly

What: Paintings.

Where: Falisa’s house.

Why: The paintings were originally stolen from Vitaly by the Communists during the Bolshevik Revolution.

How: Falisa and Zhora were mowed down with a gun.

Part Withheld: Who and Why

Over Time Mystery

Cover up: Sophie and Zhora are living in the U. S. witness protection program.</div>

Secret: They are Russian defectors in hiding with new names and occupations..

Reveals:

Who: FSB

What: FSB knows everything about Zhora’s past. They also know his personality very well.

Why: He knew too much when he defected and did a lot of damage to Russia.

Where: FSB is searching everywhere.

When: for the last 20 yearsHow: FSB knows what Zhora looks like. Zhora and Sophie are vulnerable to assassination by the FSB.

Part Withheld: Who? How? When?

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Show Empathy/Distress

Doing this assignment, I learned that putting my characters in tough situations causes empathy and distress in the viewer and, in turn, makes them more deeply engaged in the story.

ASSIGNMENT 1

SUPERNATURAL Episode 7: Examples of big picture empathy/distress:

I detected two BIG PICTURE empathy/distress situations.

1. Undeserved Misfortune:

a. The victim of the Hook Man was a good guy trying to protect his date. While this particular character is only in this episode, all the episodes begin with an innocent person being killed in a grizzly way by some demon. This makes it big picture.

b. Sam’s terrible loss of his girlfriend is also a big picture undeserved misfortune.

c. The fact that Dean’s and Sam’s mother was killed undeservedly also is a big picture distress.

d. People around Sam keep dying. It’s like he’s cursed.

2. Plot Intruding on Life: Destroying the Hook Man is the task Sam and Dean are up against, but it is fraught with danger and many obstacles. These challenges keep viewers on the edges of their seats, hoping neither of the siblings will fall victim. Almost always one of them gets injured.

ASSIGNMENT 2

List of BIG PICTURE difficult situations and decisions my main characters could make because of the main conflict of this series.

A. Undeserved misfortune:

· Falisa is murdered by art thieves.

· Zhora is critically injured by art thieves.

· Sophie is taken hostage by one of the art thieves.

· Sophie is shot by art thieves.

· Sophie is betrayed by Olivia, her best friend.

B. External Character conflicts.

· Bill is opposed to Sophie traveling to Russia.

· Zhora is opposed to Sophie traveling to Russia.

· Maxim tails Sophie, scaring her.

· Sophie meets her estranged mother, causing her and the viewer distress.

C. Plot intruding on life.

· ????

D. Moral dilemmas.

Sophie must either kill Vitaly or be killed. If she kills him, she must live knowing she has killed someone. If she doesn’t kill him, she will die.Sophie must decide whether or not to travel to Russia. If she goes, she has a chance of identifying Falisa’s killer. If she goes, she risks the Russians finding out who she and her father really are, which would likely end in their deaths.<div>

E. Forced decisions they’d never make.

Sophie would never volitionally kill anyone, but when she is caught in a duel with Vitaly, either
</div>

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Show Relationship Map

What I learned doing this assignment is how to create a relationship map that shows the relationships each of my lead characters have with one another, fleshing out multiple layers of basic understanding.

ASSIGNMENT 1

Watched SUPERNATURAL and created a relationship for Sam, one of the lead characters.

Relationship Map

SUPERNATURAL – SAM’S RELATIONSHIP MAP

Character: Sam

On the surface, Sam is a brother to Dean, a son to his father, the demon hunter, and the adversary of the Shapeshifter.

Sam has common ground with Dean. They are brothers, who grew up in the same family and learned hunting demons from their father. Sam and the Shapeshifter have common ground in that they both come from weird families.

Sam’s conflict with Dean is this: He was set to go to Stanford Law School when Dean intervened and lured him away to find their missing father. Sam’s conflict with his father is the same as with Dean. As far as the Shapeshifter goes, they are adversaries. The Shapeshifter is evil. Sam is good.

Sam’s history with his brother goes back to the time when they were children. They lost their mother to a horrific murderer. They were raised by their father, a demon hunter, and apprenticed at his side. Sam has no history with the Shapeshifter.

The subtext in Sam’s and Dean’s relationship is that although they have different goals, they love one another and their father. The Shapeshifter looks like Dean and acts like Dean, but Sam can tell them apart.

So far, Sam’s relationship with Dean has gone from not wanting to have any part of his hunting to jumping on board to help save their father. No relationship arc so far between Sam and his father.

ASSIGNMENT 2

Relationship Maps for Three Lead Characters from MY SHOW IDEA

1. Sophie:

On the surface, Sophie and Bill are strangers thrown together by the attack on Zhora. Sophie and Zhora are family, father and daughter. Sophie is thankful for Vitaly’s support of the Russian art exhibition.

Sophie and Bill have common ground in that they both care about Zhora and that he knows about her being in the witness protection program. Love of art is the common ground Sophie has with Vitaly.

Sophie’s conflict with Bill is that she wants to find the stolen art and Falisa’s killer while he wants to keep her safe and keep her identity from being exposed. Sophie’s conflict with Zhora involves his willingness to risk having his true identity coming out. Sophie’s conflict with Zhora has to do with a painting he wants that she’s trying to keep safe .

The only history Sophie has with Bill is that she’s seen him with her father before. Her history with Zhora is lifelong. They are a father and daughter who defected to the U. S. together when she was a young teenager.

Subtext between Sophie and Bill: She needs his help to carry out her mission. She can’t do it alone. Subtext between Sophie and Zhora: She wants to keep his safe. Between her and Vitaly, the subtext is major competition.

The relationship arc between Sophie and Bill is from distrust and suspicion to admiration and possible to love. That between Sophie and Zhora is from suspicion to trust. That between Sophie and Vitaly is from admiration and trust to distrust to wanting to bring him down.

2. Bill:

On the surface, Sophie is Bill’s informant’s daughter. With Zhora, he has a contract relationship. Zhora is his informant. Bill is Zhora’s FBI handler. Bill and Vitaly are adversaries/

Bill’s common ground with Sophie is their mutual care for Zhora and desire that justice will prevail. Bill’s common ground with Zhora is their mutual desire to combat Organized Russian crime. Bill’s common ground with Vitaly is that they both speak Russian and know about Russian history.

Bill’s conflict with Sophie is that he wants to keep her and her secret identity safe, she wants to save a painting from being stolen and find a murderer. Bill’s conflict with Zhora is that he wants to investigate the attack on Zhora while Zhora doesn’t want an investigation to reveal his true identity. Bill’s conflict with Vitaly is that he wants to bring him down while Vitaly wants to avoid capture.

Bill’s history with Sophie is that he has seen her FBI profile and he’s seen her a few times. His history with Zhora is that he has been Zhora’s FBI handler for a few years. They have worked together to take down Russian organized crime criminals. His history with Vitaly is nonexistent.

Bill’s subtext with Sophie is that he loves her. With Zhora he’s frustrated by Zhora’s reckless behavior. With Vitaly, the subtext is suspicion.

The relationship arc between Bill and Sophie goes from being professional to being personal. He falls in love with her. There’s not much of a relationship arc between him and Zhora. Between him and Vitaly the arc goes from distrust to wanting to bring him down.

3. Vitaly:

On the surface, Vitaly is a donor to Sophie’s Russian art exhibition and a Russian art enthusiast. On the surface, Vitaly and Bill are strangers. On the surface, he is helping Olivia with the exhibition.

Common ground between Vitaly and Sophie is that they both knew Falisa, the murder victim and that they both love art. Between Vitaly and Bill their common ground is that they both have an interest in Sophie. Between Vitaly and Olivia, their common ground is that they both love art.

Vitaly’s conflict with Sophie is that he is an art thief and murderer who wants to kill Sophie. His conflict with Bill is that he doesn’t like his always being around. With Olivia, his conflict is that he is using her to get stolen paintings from Russian into the United States.

Vitaly’s has no history with either Sophie or Bill. His history with Olivia is that he has been working with Olivia to bring off the Russian art exhibition.

Vitaly’s subtext with Sophie is adversarial. With Bill it is also adversarial. With Olivia, he’s her secret lover.

The relationship arc between Vitaly and Sophie goes from trust to wanting to destroy each other’s worlds. Between Vitaly and Bill there’s not much of an arc. Between Vitaly and Olivia the arc goes from trust to adversarial.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Character Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is how to discover my characters’ internal struggles by using the Emotional Profile method. Very cool!

Assignment 1:

Example show: SUPERNATURAL

Emotional Profile – Dean

A. Hope: He hopes to take down as many demons as he can and save as many people as he can. Fear: He’s afraid he might die before the job is done.

B. Want: He wants to keep his family together.

Need: He wants to help people and kill the demons threatening them.

C. Base Negative Emotion: Inadequate. Public Mask: Hero.

D. Weaknesses: He’s afraid to fly.

E. Triggers: Someone in jeopardy from demons.

F. Coping Mechanism: Fights back.

Emotional Profile – Sam

A. Hope: He hopes to lead a normal life, have a girlfriend, go to law school. Fear: He’s afraid he’ll die before he can achieve his life goals.

B. Want: He wants a normal life. Need: He needs to find his girlfriend’s killer.

C. Base Negative Emotion: Terror. Mask: Hero.

D. Weaknesses: He has nightmares about what happened to his girlfriend.

E. Triggers: Threat to himself or another.

F. Coping Mechanism: Sets about solving the problem. Gets to work.

Assignment 2: My Show

Emotional Profile – Sophie

A. Situational: Hope: She hopes she can be safe in the witness protection program. / Fear: She’s afraid her and her father’s real identities will be discovered by the Russians.

B. Motivation: Want: She wants to lead a normal, free life. Need: She needs to find out who killed Falisa and stole her paintings.

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion: Terror / Public Mask: Hero.

D. Weaknesses: A habit of keeping her head down, hiding.

E. Triggers: Threat

F. Coping Mechanism: Praying, problem solving.

Emotional Profile – Bill

A. Situational: Hope: He hopes he can keep Sophie safe. / Fear: He’s afraid Sophie’s identity will be revealed to the Russians despite his best efforts.

B. Motivation: Want: He wants to catch the bad guys. / Need: He needs to take care of Sophie.

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion: Rage / Public Mask: FBI Agent

D. Weaknesses: Overly protective. He lost his wife to a hit and run driver.

E. Triggers: Injustice, especially against ones he loves.

F. Coping Mechanism: Exercise

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Intriguing Character Layers

Doing this assignment, I learned how to discover and uncover intriguing character layers.

Assignment 1:

Example Show: SUPERNATURAL

1. Think about your Example Show. Make a list of the places you’ve already seen Character Intrigue in the previous episodes.

– Secret: Both Sam and Dean keep secret what happened to their mother and to Sam’s girlfriend, Jessica.

– Secret: The siblings also keep hidden who their father is, a hunter of demons.

– Hidden Agenda: The siblings father is missing, but he has left a trail of breadcrumbs for the siblings to follow. We sense he has a hidden agenda. We wonder if he is dead.

– Competition: The siblings are in competition with different demons at every stop.

– Conspiracy and Deception: The siblings conspire together to investigate various unsolved murders, hiding their true identities, often pretending to be law enforcement officers.

– Wound: Both siblings are wounded from the loss of their mother to a terrifying demon and by their upbringings as hunters of demons. Sam is also wounded by the loss of his girlfriend to a demon.

2. Watch the next episode and see how Character Intrigue is being used to create the need to see more episodes.

– Deception: Dean and Sam pose as Home Security Agents.

– Wound: Sam can’t sleep because he has nightmares about his deceased girlfriend. The demon they’re trying to exorcise says it knows how Sam’s girlfriend died and tries to use that information to weaken Sam, but Dean steps in and puts Sam back on track with the exorcism.

– Secret: Dean reveals that he’s afraid of flying a few minutes before they are set to exorcise a demon in the sky.

– Hidden Agenda: They find out that the man who asked them for help contacted Dean because when he called the siblings’ father’s cell phone, the voice message said to call Dean at such and such a number.

Assignment 2:

Character Name: SophieRole: She is the heroine. Hidden agendas: On the surface she is an art history professor. Beneath the surface she is trying to find the art thief who was responsible for putting her father in the hospital and murdering her father’s fiancée.Competition: She is in competition with an art thief, who is also a murderer. She also is in competition with Bill, her father’s handler, who is trying to keep her safe.Conspiracies: She conspires with Bill to move forward with her plan to catch the thief and murderer.Secrets: Her secret is that she is using a false identity.Deception: She breaks the rules of witness protection to find the thief and murderer.Wound: Her mother did not defect with her and her father. She has abandonment issues.Secret Identity: She goes by the name Sophie Wolf, but her real name is Sofia Volkova.

Bill:

Character Name: BillRole: His role is to handle Zhora and protect Sophie.Hidden agendas: He uses Zhora as an informant in the Russian community, trying to eliminate the Russian crime organizations.Competition: He is in competition with Zhora, Sophie, and the art thief.Conspiracies: He conspires with Sophie to identify the art thief and bring him to justice.Secrets: On the surface, he is an organized Russian crime agent. Below the surface, he is handling a Russian informant and protecting the informant’s daughter, both of whom are in the U. S. witness protection program.Deception: He enters Russia as an expert on organized crime, hiding his true identity as an F.B.I Agent.Wound: His wife was killed by a hit and run accident while she was riding her bicycle.Secret Identity: An expert on organized crime who lectures for Interpol.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Engaging Main Characters

Doing this assignment, I learned what makes my two main characters engaging. I was able to flesh out my main character’s journey, two of my characters’ roles, their unique purposes, what makes each intriguing, what moral issues they need to confront, what makes them unpredictable, and why we should care about them.

Assignment 1:

SUPERNATURAL’S ENGAGING PROFILE ANSWERS for Dean after seeing episode 3.

Character Name: Dean

A. Role in the show: Dean is the older of two male siblings. He is dedicated to finding his father, who went missing while on a hunting trip for demons.

B. Unique Purpose/Expertise: He’s a trained demon hunter. His purpose is to find his father.

C. Intrigue: He is a natural man, who hunts supernatural beings operating in the natural world.

D. Moral Issue: Is it right to kill even if it is a wicked supernatural being? Is it right to lie about who he is? Is it right for him to coerce his brother into joining the hunt with him

E. Unpredictable: There next supernatural encounter can happen anywhere or anytime with any manner of person.

F. Empathetic: Why do we care? We care about Dean because he lost his mother when a child to a wicked supernatural being, and we know he doesn’t want to lose his father, too. He’s also a good big brother.

Assignment 2

My Show:

1. The journey of my show. My show’s journey is Sophie’s journey. She’s an art history professor trying to find an art thief and murderer who is willing to kill her to avoid detection.

2. My two main characters are Sophie and Bill.

Sophie’s Engaging Character Profile:

A. Role in the show: Sophie is the heroine.

B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: Her purpose is to find the art thief who stole a valuable painting, killing her father’s fiancée in the process.

C. Intrigue: The secret beneath the surface is that she is a Russian defector who is part of the U.S. witness protection program.

D. Moral Issue: Is it right for her to lie about who she is?

E. Unpredictable: With each step she takes, she increasingly jeopardizes her witness protection cover.

F. Empathetic: We care about Sophie because she is a good person who puts herself in jeopardy to stop a thief and a murderer.

Bill’s Engaging Character Profile:

A. Bill: He is an FBI Agent, who is Sophie’s father’s handler. He’s also tasked with protecting Sophie.

B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: His task is to learn what is happening in the Russian community in San Francisco and to keep Sophie and her father safe.

C. Intrigue: His mission to protect Zhora and Sophie is secret.

D. Moral Issue: Is it right to use Zhora and Sophie as informants? Is it right to allow Sophie to put herself in danger?

E. Unpredictable: With every step he takes following after Sophie, the more he is likely to be exposed and cause an international incident with Russia.

F. Empathetic: We care about Bill because he’s a good guy. He’s a single dad trying to raise a precocious daughter while serving in the FBI.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Three Circles of Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is how to part characters into three circles (main character circle, connected character circle, and environment circle). I also discovered my story’s characters and the circles they belong in.

MY SHOW’S THREE CIRCLES OF CHARACTERS:

A. Main Characters Circle: Sophie, Bill

B. Connected Circle: Zhora, Olivia, Aimée, Hannah, Lucy, Dave, Jane, Peter, Maxim, Sergei, Logan, Yelena, Vitaly

C. Environment Circle: Ivan, Demyan, Falisa, Aleksei, Kazimir, Iosif, Vitaly’s bodyguards, Nurse Cathy, Kolya, Marta, Dr. Brown, priests, Irina, Leonid, Renata, Renata’s assistant, Nina, commandos, desk clerk, Karp, Mrs. Ananyeva, Pavel, Denis, Arseny, doctor,

ONE SENTENCE DESCRIPTIONS OF MY TWO MAIN CHARACTERS:

• On the surface Sophie is an art history professor at the University of San Francisco, but beneath the surface, she is a Russian defector in the United States’ witness protection program, trying to keep her real identity hidden.

• Bill is an FBI Special Agent assigned to handle Sophie’s father, Zhora, a Russian defector in the United States’ witness program and an FBI informant.

I watched the second episode of SUPERNATURAL. Here is…

…SUPERNATURAL’S CIRCLES OF CHARACTERS:

A. Main Character Circle: Sam, Dean, Impala, Dad’s notebook,

B. Connected Circle (Episode 2): Demon, Roy, Holly, Ben

C. Environment Circle: Gary, Brad, Tommy, Ranger Wilkinson, Mr. Shaw, law enforcement officers, paramedics.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s SUPERNATURAL 5 Star Model

While doing this assignment, I learned that 5 Star Points makes a show binge worthy.

I watched the pilot of SUPERNATURAL (43 minutes). The story is about brothers Dean and Sam who follow in their father’s footsteps as hunters of evil supernatural being, including monsters, demons, and ghosts.

List of the 5 Star Points from SUPERNATURAL:

1. Big Picture Hooks. The big hook of this show is that the siblings Dean and Sam were raised to be hunters like their father, but instead of ducks and dear, their prey includes demons, monsters, and ghosts that roam the earth.

2. Amazing and Intriguing Character. Dean and Sam are intriguing because they are both fearless, because they are both capable and comfortable with being hunters of demons, ghosts, and monsters. They are interesting because of their brotherly sparring and their family background, mother dead and father missing. Sam is particularly interesting. First, paranormal activity begins in his bedroom as a baby. Makes me wonder, if there isn’t something special about him. Later, as an adult, he is reluctant to become a hunter. He’d rather live a nice safe life as an attorney and continue his relationship with his girlfriend Jessica. Quickly on, the viewer realizes that his desires are unlikely to be fulfilled.

3. Empathy / Distress. In this first episode, we feel empathy for Sam, who doesn’t want to live the same life as his father and brother. It’s too dangerous. It prevents them from maintaining meaningful relationships with the opposite sex. He wants to live a nice safe life as a lawyer. We also feel empathy for Dean who wants to find his father but who also needs his brother’s help. He doesn’t want to go it alone. They need each other.

4. Layers / Open Loops. Questions in the first episode that can only be answered by watching the entire season. Who was the man sitting in the chair in front of the TV? Why did his presence scare the mother? Who killed the brothers’ mother? Who killed Sam’s girlfriend, Jessica? Why is Sam present just prior to both the killing of his mother and his girlfriend? What happened to the brothers’ father? Will Sam ever be able to go to law school? Will either brother ever be able to have a close and meaningful relationship other than with each other?

5. Inviting Obsession. The pilot creates the need to see every single episode because it ends at the start of a new mission. The viewer can’t wait to find out whether or not the brothers will find their father in Colorado, whether they will get to the bottom of what happened to their mother and Jessica, whether Sam will ever go to law school, whether either brother will be able to maintain a close relationship outside their circle of two.

[Madeleine Vessel]

My name is Madeleine Vessel, and I agree to all the terms of the following Group Release Form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi, my name is Madeleine Vessel. I’ve written 4 screenplays.

By the end of this class, I hope to know how to design a brilliant binge worthy TV show, create a TV pitch bible, create a complex plot outline, write a complex plot outline, and successfully market my show.

Something unusual about me: I once had the privilege of spending a day tagging along with Clint Eastwood while he competed in a quick draw contest with his six gun. I was a little girl then. He was starring in RAWHIDE at the time. I found him to be a very generous man. Never forget it.

Can’t wait to get started. Looking forward to working with you all.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Horror Outline Version 1

What I learned doing this assignment is using the horror map and fleshing out horror situations really brings the story together. While my outline is rough at this time, it’s definitely the seed of a full-blown horror script. YAY!

HORROR OUTLINE

1. INT. ABBOTT LIVINGROOM ­– DAY (LATE AFTERNOON)

The Abbott family (GRACE and FRANK – parents) and their girls (KATHRYN, 14, and MALLORY, 12, watch TV news. The newsman reports that a boy, MAX BRACKETT, 14, was found dead in the snow on the grounds of Glenbrook Middle School. Law enforcement suspects hypothermia.

Mallory freaks out because she knew Max, a talented wood carver.

Kathryn watches the snow falling outside. She asks her mother if they can get a ride, but both Grace and Frank have other plans. Grace assures the girls she will pick them up after the party. “Call me when you’re ready to come home,” she says.

After Mallory checks herself in the mirror one last time, the girls head out into the snow.

NOTE: OPENING SCENE:

Horror Situation: Tormented/spooked” A teenage boy is found dead, possibly from hypothermia.

· SHOCK: Mallory and Kathryn know the dead boy.

· FEAR: The idea of a boy their age dying in the snow frightens both Mallory and Kathryn, especially as they are about to set out in it to a friend’s birthday party.

· SUSPENSE: Will they make it safely to the birthday party.

2. EXT. GLENBROOK MIDDLE SCHOOL – NIGHT

Kathryn and Mallory pass Glenbrook Middle School on their way to BEDELIA UMBRA’S 13^th birthday party. Police crime scene tape still cordons off the spot where Max’s body was found. Mallory finds a pocketknife nearby. She recognizes it as belonging to Max. Kathryn tells her to put it back where she found it. Mallory pretends to do just that, but secretly, she pockets the knife. Unbeknownst to the girls, Max’s ghost follows them.

3. EXT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

The girls pass by Old Lady Setter’s house. They see her leaving the house with a suitcase.

4. INT. UMBRA HOUSE – NIGHT

At the birthday party, everyone exclaims over Mallory’s clothes and makeup. She basks in their admiration. Vanity, vanity.

5. INT. UMBRA HOUSE – NIGHT

At the birthday party, Bedelia opens a gift from her mother, LILI. It’s a Ouija board. Immediately, Bedelia wants to play with it. Kathryn, who is Catholic, aghast. Max, who has been hovering around Mallory, also shrinks back. Kathryn whispers in Mallory’s ear that they are not permitted to play. Mallory refuses to heed Kathryn’s warning. She doesn’t believe in that taboo. “It’s just a game,” she says. “What harm could it do?”

All the girls except Kathryn are lured into playing with the Ouija Board. Kathryn silently calls on St. Michael the Archangel to defend them from evil.

Mallory takes her turn at the Ouija Board. She asks the Ouija Board, “When will I die?” The Board answers, “On your 13^th birthday. Mallory loses it.

Kathryn tries to calm Mallory down. She says, “The Ouija board’s trying to scare you.” When Mallory won’t calm down, Kathryn announces that they will walk home. The girls head out into the dark and the snow. Kathryn prays the rosary as they go.

Horror Situation: Tormented/spooked: The Ouija board tells Mallory she’s going to die before she’s 13, which is the following day. She’s spooked.

· APPREHENSION: The Ouija board is associated with the devil.

· SHOCK: When the Ouija board tells Mallory she will die before the next day, she loses it.

· SUSPENSE: As the girls step out into the night, snow falling, Mallory must be wondering if she really will die before midnight. And if so, how?

6. EXT. SHORTCUT THROUGH A WOOD – NIGHT

The girls take a shortcut through the woods and get caught in blizzard conditions. Looking for shelter, they come across Old Lady Setter’s house. On the porch, a light is on. Through a window, the girls see a light on inside.

Mallory wants to go inside. “Old Lady Setter isn’t home. She’ll never know.” She seeks and finds a window unlatched and with its bars open. Kathryn tries to stop her, but Mallory climbs in. Reluctantly Kathryn climbs in after her. Max enters behind her.

7. INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Once inside the house, the window falls down behind them and locks by itself. Then bars close over the window and lock. Kathryn tries to unlock the window to no avail. She tells Mallory it must be rusty. She tells Mallory, they should check the front door and make sure it opens. When they reach the front door, it won’t open. Mallory freaks.

Horror Situation: Isolated/trapped: Kathryn and Mallory find themselves inside Old Lady Setter’s House and there seems to be no way out.

· FEAR: The window and window bar covering lock by themselves.

· SUSPENSE: They make their way to the door, checking windows on the way. All the windows they pass and the front door are securely locked and will not open despite Kathryn’s best efforts.

· DREAD: There may be no way for the girls to get out of the house.

8. INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

The living room is an antique showroom. One of the antiques on display is a baby grand piano. Nearby that is a candelabra complete with candles and a box of matches at hand.

Mallory, who knows how to play, sits down in front of the piano. It’s an old Steinway. She puts her fingers on the keys and starts to play. No sound comes out.

When Kathryn joins her, she sees the problem with the piano. The ghost of a teenage girl lies across the strings of the piano. Kathryn sees the last moments of the ghost girl’s life in a vision. She was a child prodigy who died of a drug overdose at a fraternity party in 1967. One bad choice, and she was dead.

The ghost girl is Frances. She tells Kathryn to tell Mallory to take her hands off the piano.

Kathryn distracts Mallory by turning her attention to an ornate wall mirror. Mallory preens in front o fthe mirror until behind her she sees Frances lying across the piano strings. Turns out Mallory can see ghosts when they are reflected in a mirror. She freaks.

Kathryn calms Mallory down then looks at other items on display. One is a M1917 doughboy helmet, used by U. S. soldiers in World War I, she sees in a vision that it belonged to a soldier killed by a bullet to the chest at Argonne in France. He was 19 years old and unlucky enough to be caught up in the deadliest battle of the war.

Touching a steering wheel, she sees in a vision that it’s from a 1922 Sunbeam that crashed during a pick-up road race, killing the driver, an adventurer and risk-taker, who died at the age of 23.

Shivering, Kathryn takes out her rosary. The visions go away.

Then, suddenly, all the lights go out.

Mallory screams. Kathryn calms her down. “It’s the storm. I’ll check the circuit breakers.”

Feeling her way back to the candelabra, Kathryn lights the candles and carries into one room and then another. Mallory frantically sticks to her side.

Finally, they find the circuit breaker box. Kathryn checks the circuit breakers. None are blown.

Kathryn takes out her mobile phone. “We need to call Mom.” But there’s no phone service.

Mallory takes out her phone, tries to call home. It doesn’t work either.

Horror Situation: Isolated/spooked: The girls are trapped in a locked, ghost infested house, and no one knows where they are.

· FEAR: They meet a ghost girl, FRANCES, whom Mallory can only see as a reflection in a mirror. Then the lights go out. They try their mobile phones, but there’s no phone service.

· SUSPENSE: The lights go out. They try their mobile phone, but there’s no phone service.

· DREAD: They’re trapped in a haunted house, and no one knows where they are.

9. INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – BATHROOM – NIGHT

In the bathroom, Kathryn holds the lit candelabra while Mallory uses the toilet. It’s the only warm room in the house. Kathryn shuts the door to keep in the warmth.

As Mallory preens in front of the mirror, there’s a sound behind the shower curtain. Kathryn pulls back the curtain and sees Max hiding there. He tells Kathryn that he came with them from the middle school. He wants his pocketknife back.

Kathryn confronts Mallory, takes back the pocketknife, and hands it to Max. If falls with a thud onto the shower floor.

Mallory sees Max’s reflection in the mirror and freaks.

Turns out Max doesn’t know he’s dead.

Kathryn picks up the pocketknife and realizes that Max must be attached to it in some way.

Max, hearing what she says, remembers what happened to him.

He remembers what happened to him. He’s full of anger toward his stepfather, who beat him and sent him out of the house to die. He blames his mother for allowing his stepfather to abuse him.

Now he accepts that he’s dead.

Suddenly, the temperature of the hot air coming out through the heater vents turns up. They start to perspire. Only Max is comfortable.

Kathryn opens the bathroom door. Cool air rushes in.

10. INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – HALL – NIGHT

Holding the candelabra, Kathryn enters the hall and turns left. Mallory and Max follow after her.

Kathryn stops at the entrance to a kind of posh parlor. Behind her, Mallory exclaims over its splendor.

The three enter.

11. INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – PARLOR – NIGHT

Inside the parlor, the ghost of a beautiful woman confronts Kathryn. Mallory senses that Kathryn sees another ghost. Max doesn’t like the color of the ghost’s aura.

The ghost of the beautiful woman, DELINDA, asks Kathryn if she wants to see something wonderful. Tentatively, Kathryn follows her to an old clothes trunk.

The lid of the trunk flips up of its own accord. Kathryn and Mallory look in. It’s full of dazzlingly beautiful ball gowns. Mallory holds one up. She wants to try it on. Max doesn’t want her to do it. Kathryn tells her it’s not a good idea. But Mallory insists.

The dress is lace-up. Mallory asks Kathryn to help her with the laces. Kathryn refuses. Max doesn’t want her lacing up the dress either.

Suddenly, Delinda swoops in and laces up the dress. Mallory is in a stranglehold. Delinda laughs wickedly.

Kathryn tries to loosen the laces to no avail.

Mallory SCREAMS until there’s no air left in her lungs. She starts to turn blue.

Kathryn loses it. Her sister is dying before her very eyes.

Max urges Kathryn to use his pocketknife.

As Kathryn frees Mallory, other ghosts appear out of the woodwork. They are all raging, throwing things, threatening. Kathryn puts away the pocketknife and pulls out her rosary beads.

The ghosts retreat into the woodwork.

Kathryn puts away her rosary beads.

Horror Situation: Deceived/tortured: A malevolent female ghost entices Mallory into trying on a ball gown then tortures her by tying the laces tight enough to suffocate her.

· APPREHENSION: Max tells Kathryn they shouldn’t trust the female ghost (Delinda). He doesn’t like the color of Delinda’s aura.

· SUSPENSE: Despite Kathryn’s warnings for her not to, Mallory tries on a ball gown that Delinda encourages her to wear.

· SHOCK: When Kathryn refuses to help Mallory tie the ball gown’s laces, Delinda takes over. As the laces tighten, Mallory faints, turns blue, threatens to die.

12. INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – PARLOR – NIGHT

As Malory comes to, a clock chimes. It’s a quarter hour before midnight.

Remembering the Ouija board’s prediction, Mallory is convinced she has only 15 minutes to live.

She loses it. SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER.

A dark fog seeps out from behind the window curtain and appears in front of Kathryn and Mallory.

“I am Legion. You are mine.”

Immediately Legion possesses Mallory.

Kathryn begs Legion to leave Mallory and enter her instead.

Legion obliges, suddenly diving out of Mallory into Kathryn. Kathryn is possessed.

Finding herself all alone with a ghost and a possessed sister, Mallory loses it.

When she runs out of breath, Mallory contemplates. Then she does what she never does. She prays. Taking the rosary from Kathryn’s pocket, “I believe in God the Father…

Max joins Mallory in prayer.

Horror Situation: Tormented/Possessed: The demons named Legion possess Mallory, who is vulnerable to possession because she is convinced she will die before she turns 13.

· ANGUISH: Kathryn reacts to Mallory’s conviction that she’s going to die.

· PANIC: The demons, Legion, say, “You are mine.”

· HORROR: Legion possesses first Mallory then Kathryn.

· HYSTERIA: Mallory loses it when she sees Kathryn, whom she depends upon, in the control of demons.

13. INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – FOYER – NIGHT

There’s a sound of a key in the front door. Suddenly, everything in the house puts itself to right. Old Lady Setter enters. “Anybody there?”

The demon, LEGEND, exits Kathryn and flees in terror.

14. INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – PARLOR – NIGHT

Old Lady Setter enters the parlor to find Kathryn and Mallory huddled together in terror.

Mrs. Setter doesn’t seem surprised to find Kathryn and Mallory in the house.

She gives Kathryn a box, tells her to give it to her mother, then shows the girls to the door.

The girls disappear into the night with Max following after them.

15. EXT./INT. ABBOTT HOUSE – NIGHT

Kathryn and Mallory and Max arrive home to find Grace and Frank out of their minds with fear that something terrible happened to the girls.

The girls find out that the police are out searching for them.

Mallory realize the error of her ways.

Kathryn realizes that Mallory does not need her anymore.

16. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Malory and Kathryn go to the police.

Kathryn tells the police about what she knows about Max’s situation.

The story of Max’s abuse is exposed on TV news. His stepfather is arrested.

17. EXT./INT. THE BRACKETT HOUSE – DAY

Kathryn, accompanied by Mallory and Max take the pocketknife Max’s mother.

Max sees his mother is in a terrible, grieving state and has pity on her. He forgives her for everything.

Immediately, Max’s spirit goes poof. He’s gone, hopefully to heaven.

18. EXT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – DAY

On their way home from the Brackett house, the girls pass by Old Lady Setter’s house. They see her leaving the house with a suitcase.

They quicken their pace.

Old Lady Setter passes them in her car. She waves at them. They wave back.

They turn and look back at Old Lady Setter’s House and see a light turn on in the window.

They girls look at one another and then tear off running for home.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Scary-As-Hell Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s possible to elevate a horror scene to a scary-as-hell horror scene by using a Horror Map. Yay!

Horror Situations: isolated/tortured/paranoid

Scene Arc: From Dread to Hysteria

Emotions in between the bottom and top: Apprehension, Surprise and Shock

My Horror Map:

Dread: In the bathroom, the temperature is rising. Kathryn tries to find a thermostat to no avail. Max counsels Kathryn. “You have to get Mallory out of here.”

Apprehension: But what’s outside the door? Kathryn slowly turns the bathroom door handle. The door opens allowing a draft of cooler air into the bathroom. Thank God.

Release: Thank God. Mallory and Max follow Kathryn out of the bathroom. They make their way down a hall and enter into a lovely parlor. Kathryn carefully sets the candelabra on the table.

Scare: The ghost of a beautiful woman suddenly appears in front of Kathryn. Both Kathryn and Max jump. Mallory grabs onto Kathryn. “What is it?

Surprise: The woman leads Kathryn to a chest. Mallory clings on to Kathryn as she goes. The woman tells Kathryn to lift the chest lid. Kathryn does. Inside, the chest is full of beautiful women’s ball gowns. Mallory feels the cloth and wants to try one on. Kathryn tries to dissuade her, but Mallory won’t listen.

Shock: The dress puts a strangle-hold on Mallory.

Hysteria: Mallory struggles for breath as Kathryn frantically tries to get her out of the dress, but the dress won’t let her. Mallory starts to turn blue. Kathryn freaks out.

My Scary-as-Hell Scene

In the bathroom, heat pours out through the heater vent.

Kathryn and Mallory begin to perspire.

MALLORY
It’s too hot in here.

To Kathryn, who can hear him —

MAX
Feels fine to me.

KATHRYN
Hush, Max. Maybe there’s a thermostat in here. I’ll take a look.

The bathroom is small. It doesn’t take long for Kathryn to return to Mallory defeated.

KATHRYN (continued)
It must be somewhere in a wall outside the bathroom.

Kathryn starts to open the bathroom door.

MALLORY
You can’t go out there.

KATHRYN
We can’t open a window. We can’t turn down the heat. We’re going to boil in here.

MALLORY
Okay, but I’m coming with you.

MAX
(to Kathryn)
Don’t leave me behind.

Kathryn turns to Max.

He points to the pocketknife on the shower floor.

She picks up the pocketknife and puts it in her pocket.

Now, with Mallory and Max in tow, Kathryn carries the candelabra to the bathroom door.

Slowly, she opens the door. Cooler air rushes in.

MALLORY
That feels so good.

KATHRYN
Thank God.

MALLORY
Yes. Thank you, God.

Kathryn peeks out into the hall.

MALLORY
(whispering)
What do you see?

Kathryn holds up the candelabra and looks down the hall in both directions.

KATHRYN
I don’t see anything.

Kathryn enters the hall with the candelabra. Debating which way to go, she finally turns left.

Max and Mallory follow after her.

Kathryn stops at the entrance to a kind of posh parlor.

Mallory peeks over Kathryn’s shoulder.

MALLORY
Lovely.

Kathryn sets the candelabra on the table and checks the room.

Returning to where Max and Mallory wait.

KATHRYN
Shall we wait here?

She looks to Mallory for her answer when suddenly…

,,,out of nowhere…

…the ghost of a beautiful woman appears in front of her.

Kathryn startles. She clutches at her heart.

MALLORY
What is it? What do you see?

KATHRYN
A woman…A very beautiful woman.

MAX
(to Kathryn)
She’s beautiful, but I don’ like the color of her aura.

KATHRYN
(to the ghost)
Who are you?

GHOST
My name is Delinda.

KATHRYN
We didn’t mean to intrude. We’ll look for an empty room.

DELINDA
Don’t leave. I love entertaining, especially such pretty girls as you, two.

Pointing to Max.

DELINDA
He can go, though.

KATHRYN
He’s with us. We’ll find somewhere else.

DELINDA
Let me show you something wonderful.

Delinda leads Kathryn, followed closely by Mallory and Max, to an old clothes chest.

As if by magic the chest lid…

…FLIPS UP and…

BANGS against the wall.

Mallory startles. She SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER!

Kathryn quiets Mallory.

KATHRYN
It’s okay. Let’s take a look.

Kathryn and Mallory peer into the chest. It’s full of dazzlingly beautiful ball gowns.

MALLORY
Oh, my. So beautiful.

DELINDA
Try them on if you want.

Mallory holds up one of the dresses in front of her and goes to a large, ornate mirror, hanging on the wall.

She admires the dress.

She looks up and sees Delinda behind her.

MALLORY
(to Delinda)
Oh! … Can I try it on?

Delinda smiles and nods.

KATHRYN
Mallory, no. I don’t think you should.

MALLORY
Why not? She said it was okay.

MAX
Please don’t let Mallory try on the dress. I don’t like the color of Delinda’s aura.

KATHRYN
Max says, no.

MALLORY
I don’t see the harm. Besides, it’s something to do to pass the time.

She unbuttons her top.

MALLORY (continued)
You try one on, too.

KATHRYN
Mallory, please don’t.

Mallory plugs her ears with her index fingers until Kathryn backs off.

Slipping into the dress, Mallory preens before the mirror.

MALLORY
So beautiful. I look like a princess.

Behind her, Mallory sees Delinda clapping her hands.

MALLORY
(to Kathryn)
Lace me up.

Kathryn doesn’t move a muscle.

Mallory sees in the mirror Delinda offering to help her.

Mallory nods yes.

Delinda steps up and starts to tighten the laces of the dress.

SUDDENLY…

…the dress puts a stranglehold on Mallory.

MALLORY
That’s tight enough.

But Delinda keeps tightening the laces.

Max steps up and tries to push Delinda away, but he’s helpless to stop her.

Mallory SCREAMS until there’s no air left in her lungs.

Delinda LAUGHS WICKEDLY.

Kathryn loses it as she watches Mallory start to turn blue.

KATHRYN
(hysterical)
What do I do? What do I do?

MAX
Use my pocketknife.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Scares, Releases, and Creepy moments!

What I learned doing this assignment is how easy it is to insert scares, releases, and creep moments into a scene. It’s so easy and yet so powerful in terms of audience response.

Scene that uses scares, releases, and creepy moments.

Mallory needs to use the restroom.

INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

In the bathroom, Kathryn sits on a stool, holding the lit candelabra, while Mallory uses the toilet.

MALLORY
It’s so nice and warm and safe in here. We should stay in here until Mrs. Setter returns home.

KATHRYN
I wonder how long that will be.

Mallory wipes herself, pulls up her panties, and washes her hands at the sink.

Drying her hands, Mallory starts to preen in front of the mirror.

MALLORY
I’m pretty, aren’t I? Everyone says so.

KATHRYN
Very pretty.

PLOP!

The plopping noise comes from behind the shower curtain.

Is someone in the bathroom with them?

Kathryn summons up courage.

KATHRYN
Hello?

Slowly, Kathryn pulls back the shower curtain and STARTLES at the sight of Max’s ghost huddling in a corner of the shower.

MALLORY
(panicky)
What is it? What do you see? Is someone there?

KATHRYN
(to Max)
How did you get here?

MAX
I followed you from where I fell in the snow. Mallory took my knife. It’s special. I didn’t want to lose it.

MALLORY
(to Kathryn)
What did you say?

Obviously, Mallory cannot see Max.

Kathryn turns to Mallory. She’s angry.

KATHRYN
I told you not to take Max’s pocketknife. Where is it? … WHERE IS IT?

Mallory digs in her pocket. She brings up Max’s knife.

Kathryn grabs it away from her.

MALLORY
What’s the big deal?

KATHRYN
Max followed us. He wants his knife back.

MALLORY
What? … Stop fooling around. You’re scaring me.

KATHRYN
When you picked up the knife, you picked him up, too.

Mallory crosses to the shower and looks inside.

No one’s there.

MALLORY
(to Kathryn)
Sometimes, I hate you… Here’s the stupid knife.

Mallory hands Kathryn the knife.

Kathryn attempts to hand Max the knife, but he can’t hold onto it.

THUD!

The knife hits the shower floor with a thud.

Max FREAKS!

KATHRYN
Calm down. You act like you don’t know you’re dead.

MAX
Dead? NO! … I can’t be. I just can’t be.

MALLORY
Stop it Kathryn.

Angry, Mallory turns her back to Kathryn.

She sees in the mirror a reflection of Max, standing in the bathtub behind her.

She gasps. She SCREAMS!

KATHRYN
Max doesn’t want to hurt us.

MALLORY
Oh, God.

Mallory loses it!

KATHRYN
(authoritative)
MALLORY! … Calm down. Screaming isn’t going to change anything.

Kathryn turns to Max.

KATHRYN
You might not want to believe it, but you are dead. You’ve been dead for more than twenty-four hours. Someone found your body in the snow.

Mallory grips the edge of the vanity and watches the exchange between Max and Kathryn in the mirror.

KATHRYN (continued)
According to the news, you died of exposure, hypothermia to be exact.

MAX
No. That’s not right.

Suddenly, he remembers and touches a gaping wound at his side.

He shows the wound to Kathryn and to Mallory as a reflection in the mirror.

MAX (continued)
My stepfather killed me. My mother just stood by and watched… I hate them. I hate them both so much.

Both the girls gasp in horror.

KATHRYN
I’m so sorry, Max.

Mallory can see what’s happening, but she can’t hear what Max is saying.

MALLORY
(to Kathryn)
Can he hear me?

Max nods to Mallory’s reflection in the mirror.

MALLORY
I’m sorry I took your knife, Max… I thought that some of your artistic talent would rub off on me if I had it. So stupid.

Max puts up his hand as if to stifle Mallory.

MAX
(to Kathryn)
Tell Mallory, I forgive her.

Kathryn turns to Mallory.

Mallory bursts into tears.

MALLORY
I know.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is the horror emotions of anguish, panic, horror, and hysteria can be easily conjured up, given a little thought. Doing so, is FUN!!

My scene that uses these horror emotions: anguish, panic, horror, hysteria.

INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Certain they are trapped in Old Lady Setter’s house, Mallory faints and crashes to the floor.

Kathryn kneels beside Mallory’s unconscious body.

Gently patting Mallory’s cheeks —

KATHRYN
Wake up Mallory… Please wake up.

Mallory doesn’t respond.

Kathryn feels Mallory’s skin hot to the touch.

KATHRYN
Oh, no… Mallory please don’t be sick. Please, please don’t be sick.

Kathryn races into the kitchen, wraps ice from the freeze in a towel, and races back to Mallory with it.

Mallory’s eyes open.

MALLORY
What happened?

KATHRYN
You’ve got a fever. I’ve found some ice to bring down your temperature.

Mallory tries to push the towel-wrapped ice away.

KATHRYN
Please, Mallory. I’m trying to help.

Mallory notices a the time.

MALLORY
Oh, God, It’s nearly midnight. Remember what the Ouija board said? I’m going to die before my 13^th birthday…

She starts thrashing and screaming.

MALLORY
…No, no, no. I don’t want to die. Please, I don’t want to die.

KATHRYN
(soothing voice)
Shush, shush, shush. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I promise.

Mallory starts to calm down.

MALLORY
(pleading)
Promise?

KATHRYN
Promise.

Mallory closes her eyes and allows Kathryn to place the towel-wrapped ice on her head.

Kathryn’s eyes well up. Tear silently flow down her cheeks.

CREEK! BANG!

Nearby, the lid of an old trunk flips up and strikes the wall behind.

Kathryn jumps.

A black cloud rises up out of the chest.

Slowly the cloud takes on the shape of a huge boar with gleaming white tusks. It’s a horrifying DEMON.

Kathryn throws herself across Mallory’s body, striving to protect her.

Mallory’s eyes POP open.

MALLORY
What is it? … WHAT IS IT? TELL ME.

KATHRYN
Shush. It’s nothing. Shush.

Mallory pushes Kathryn away. She sees the demon where before she couldn’t see the ghost of Frances.

Mallory SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER!!!

Other ghosts appear out of the woodwork. They are all raging, throwing things, threatening.

Suddenly, the demon takes possession of Mallory.

Mallory foams at the mouth and thrashes about.

Kathryn is on the verge of losing it.

She takes hold of the rosary in her pocket, summons her courage, and —

KATHRYN

Who are you?

The demon inside Mallory responds.

DEMON
I am Torment.

KATHRYN
What do you want?

TORMENT
I want you… If you willing let me possess you, I will leave your sister alone.

Kathryn wraps the rosary around her wrist.

She kisses Mallory’s cheek

KATHRYN

(to Mallory
I love you, Mallory.

(to Torment)

So be it.

Torment rises out of Mallory, leaving her limp but conscious, and…

…Flies into Kathryn.

Mallory SCREAMS!

She jumps to her feet.

MALLORY

No. Don’t hurt Kathryn. Please leave Kathryn alone.

Torment laughs a horrible laugh.

TORMENT
Only one thing can vanquish me.

MALLORY
What? Tell me.

Torment laughs.

Looking closer at Kathryn –

MALLORY
Kathryn, can you hear me?

Mallory sees Kathryn’s hand move.

MALLORY

What must I do?

Kathryn lifts her hand, exposing the rosary.

MALLORY
Pray? That’s it, isn’t it?

Kathryn’s hand moves again.

Mallory makes the Sign of the Cross.

MALLORY

Our Father who art in heaven…

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is that adding fear, suspense, and dread emotions to a scene really ups the horror factor. I’m having too much fun.

Here’s my scene that uses all three of these horror emotions: fear, suspense, and dread

SCENE

EXT./INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Kathryn follows Mallory through the window.

BANG!

The window falls down.

SQUEEL! CLICK!

The latch slowly turns and locks.

BANG! … CLANK!

The bars outside the window swing shut and lock.

Mallory jumps in fear.

Kathryn struggles to turn the window latch open. It won’t budge.

KATHRYN
Must be the wind… I’ll check the front door and make sure it opens.

MALLORY

Don’t leave me by myself.

KATHRYN
We’ll both check.

As they make their way to the front door, the girls pass a barred and locked window.

Kathryn struggles to turn the window latch, but it won’t budge.

She attempts to unlock the next window they come to, with the same result.

They find the door.

Mallory clings to Kathryn.

KATHRYN
It’s an old house. Likely, the latches are rusted shut.

MALLORY
What if the door won’t open?

KATHRYN
One step at a time.

At the front door, Kathryn struggles to turn the bolt lock. It won’t budge.

Mallory tightens her grip on Kathryn.

MALLORY

We’re locked in… What are we going to do? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

Mallory loses it.

Kathryn wraps her arms around Mallory.

KATHRYN
Most likely, the house is locked up because it’s full of valuable antiques. Look around.

Mallory peeks over Kathryn’s arm. It’s true the house is full of old furniture, trinkets, all matter of odds and ends, including a candelabra ensconced with candles with a pack of matches nearby.

Mallory starts to calm down. She goes over to the candelabra.

MALLORY
Weird old lady. Instead of a flashlight, she lights candles.

Suddenly a baby grand piano catches Mallory’s eye. She runs over to take a closer look

MALLORY
I don’t believe this. It’s an old, old Steinway.

Sitting on the stool, placing her hands on the keyboard, she starts to play… but no sound comes out.

KATHRYN
Probably needs repair.

Joining Mallory, Kathryn immediately sees the problem with the piano.

A ghost of a teenage girl lies across the strings of the piano.

Kathryn shrinks back.

Obviously, Mallory doesn’t see the ghost girl.

Suddenly, the ghost girl flies off the piano strings and enters into Kathryn.

Kathryn sees the last moments of the ghost girl’s life.

INT. FRATERNITY HOUSE – NIGHT

At the party, the corpse of the pianist lies on the floor, face up. She’s dead of a drug overdose.

POLICEMAN
Who is she?

No one seems to know… but then –

A FRAT BOY, 20, steps forward.

FRAT BOY
Frances… Francis Baker.

POLICEMAN
She looks young.

FRAT BOY
Seventeen. She’s a pianist, a child prodigy. All she wanted was a bit of fun for a change.

POLICEMAN
I hope it was worth it.

The frat boy sobs. He falls down beside Frances. Through tears —

FRAT BOY
Franny, I’m so, so sorry. I should never have listened to you.

Two paramedics arrive with a stretcher.

PARAMEDIC #1
Drug overdose?

POLICEMAN
Looks that way.

BACK TO SCENE

Frances exits Kathryn’s body and returns to lying across the strings.

FRANCES
(defiant)
This is my piano.

Kathryn shakes all over.

MALLORY
(to Kathryn)
What’s wrong with you?

FRANCES
(to Kathryn)
Tell your friend to take her hands off my piano.

KATHRYN
(to Mallory)
I don’t think Mrs. Setter would want us touching the piano.

MALLORY
It isn’t my fault that it’s broken.

KATHRYN
Of course not. It’s just that —

Mallory jumps up.

She spies an ornately framed mirror and rushes over to take a look.

Standing in front of the mirror, Mallory straightens her hair barrette, but then…

…she sees Frances lying across the piano strings behind her.

Mallory whirls around, but there’s no one there.

MALLORY
Someone else’s in the house!

Beat

KATHRYN
Yes, I know. Her name is Frances.

Mallory whirls around and faces the mirror. She sees Frances making faces at her, and –

Mallory SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER.

In an effort to calm Mallory down —

KATHRYN
There’s nothing to fear. She’s a restless spirit. That’s all. She can’t do us any real harm.

MALLORY
(defiant)
You don’t know that.

Kathryn takes a rosary out of her pocket. She shows it to Mallory then begins to pray, starting with the Sign of the Cross.

MALLORY
A lot of good that’s going to do. Come on. We’ve got to find a way out of here.

Mallory runs toward a window they haven’t checked.

Before she gets to the window, all the lights in the house go out.

Mallory SCREAMS.

KATHRYN
Shush. It’s just the storm. I’ll check the circuit breakers.

MALLORY
Don’t leave me here alone.

Taking Mallory’s hand, Kathryn feels her way to the candelabra.

Kathryn lights the candles with a match and starts her search for the circuit breaker box.

Mallory sticks to Kathryn like glue.

KATHRYN
Here it is.

She opens the circuit breaker box and holds up the candelabra.

Behind her, Mallory sees what Kathryn sees.

MALLORY
None of the circuit breakers are tripped.

Quickly, Kathryn takes out her mobile phone.

KATHRYN
I’ll call mom. She’ll get us out of here.

Kathryn presses “Mom” on her contact list.

The phone doesn’t ring

KATHRYN

There’s no phone service.

MALLORY
What? That can’t be. It’s probably your battery.

Mallory takes out her phone, calls “home”, but there’s no service.

Mallory falls to her knees.

MALLORY
What are we going to do? We’re trapped. And no one knows where we are.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s fun to conjure up these horror emotions:

· apprehension/anxiety,

· surprise

· shock.

INT. THE UMBRA HOUSE – NIGHT

Surrounded by a group of friends, the birthday girl, Bedelia Umbra, 13, opens packages.

Taking one from her mother –

MOTHER

(all smiles)

This is from me.

Excited, Bedelia strips off the packaging to reveal…

…A OUIJA BOARD.

Bedelia and her friends react with squeals, a mix of delight and horror.

Katheryn, 14, who recognizes the game as a form of divination that calls upon evil spirits for answers, is SHOCKED.

Nervously fingering the crucifix at her neck, Kathryn grabs the arm of her sister, Mallory, 12.

KATHRYN

(whisper)

It’s evil. Don’t touch it.

Mallory angrily brushes Kathryn off.

MALLORY

(defiant)

It’s just a game.

KATHRYN

That doesn’t mean it’s not evil. Please don’t touch it.

Mallory glares, daring Kathryn to stop her. She leaves Kathryn standing apart and joins the girls at the table around the Ouija board.

Girl #1 takes a turn at the Ouija board.

GIRL #1

What is the name of my dog?

The Ouija board spells out M-U-R-P-H-Y.

GIRL #1

(excited)

Oh, my God. That’s right.

GIRL #2 takes a turn.

GIRL #2

How old is my little sister?

The Ouija board points to 3.

GIRL #2

(surprised)

How does it know?

KATHRYN

(fingering her crucifix)

It knows because it’s supernatur–

MALLORY

It’s my turn.

Mallory asks the board –

MALLORY

When will I die?

The Ouija board spells out B-E-F-O-R-E – Y-O-U – A-R-E – T-H-I-R-T-E-E-N.

MALLORY

But I’ll be thirteen tomorrow.

The Ouija board spells out Y-E-S.

Mallory loses it. She SCREAMS. She PULLS HER HAIR.

A couple of the other girls join in the hysteria.

KATHRYN

St. Michael the Archangel protect us against the wickedness and snares of the devil.

Kathryn tries to comfort Mallory, but she won’t have it.

MALLORY

(hysterical)

Get away from me… The board knew the dog’s name. It knew Sally’s age. It knows I’m going to die before midnight.

All the girls start screaming.

KATHRYN

(to Mallory)

We’re going home right now.

(to Bedelia’s mother)

I’m taking my sister home.

Kathryn dons her coat and helps Mallory into hers.

They exit the house and start off into the night and heavy snow.

Kathryn recites the prayers of the rosary as they walk.

KATHRYN

I believe in God, the Father Almighty…

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Horror Outline Version 1

What I learned is the more passes I make to this outline, the more fleshed out it becomes. Also, it’s changing a lot from my first idea. I’m wondering where it will end up.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established:

INT. ABBOTT LIVINGROOM – DAY (DUSK)

The Abbott girls, Kathryn, age 14, and Mallory, age 12, prepare to walk the mile or so through the woods to Bedelia Umbra’s house. Bedelia is having her 13^th birthday party.

Grace and Frank Abbott listen to the TV news.

Television news reports that a boy named Max Brackett was found dead, possibly of hypothermia, in a patch of snow on the grounds of Glenbrook Middle School. An A-student, he left behind his mother and stepfather.

Mallory knew Max from a summer art camp. She is horrified that someone their age, someone so talented could be dead.

The girls’ mother, Grace, tells them she will pick them up after the party. “Call me, and let me know when you’re ready to leave.

Kathryn and Mallory exit the door. On the way out, Mallory hugs the family’s dog. “Don’t miss me too much,” she says. She’s lovable but very conceited.

EXT. GLENBROOK MIDDLE SCHOOL – NIGHT

On the way to the birthday party, Kathryn and Mallory pass by the site of Max’s death Did he really die from hypothermia?

Mallory finds a pocketknife she believes belonged to Max. “I watched him sharpen colored pencils with this,” she says. Kathryn tells Mallory to put the knife back where she found it.

Mallory pretends to put the knife back where she found it, but then, at the last moment, when Kathryn isn’t looking, she puts it into her pocket. Max’s ghost follows them.

EXT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

The girls pass by Old Lady Setter’s house. They see her leaving the house with a suitcase.

INT. THE UMBRA HOUSE – NIGHT

At the birthday party, everyone exclaims over Mallory’s clothes and makeup. She intentionally outshines everyone there.

At the birthday party, Lili Umbra, Bedlia’s mother, gives her a Ouija Board for her and the girls to play with.

Kathryn, who is Catholic, shrinks back from the forbidden game. Max, who has been hovering around Mallory, also shrinks back.

Kathryn whispers in Mallory’s ear that they are not permitted to play.

Mallory refuses to heed Kathryn’s warning. She doesn’t believe in that taboo. “It’s just a game,” she says. “What harm could it do?”

All the girls except Kathryn are lured into playing with the Ouija Board.

Kathryn silently calls on St. Michael the Archangel to defend them from evil.

Mallory takes her turn at the Ouija Board. She asks the Ouija Board, “When will I die?” The Board answers, “On your 13^th birthday.

Mallory loses it.

Kathryn tries to calm Mallory down. She says, “The Ouija Board’s just trying to scare you.”

Bedelia is delighted by Mallory’s comedown.

When Mallory won’t calm down, Kathryn tells Bedelia that it’s best they leave. They head out into the dark and the snow. Kathryn prays the rosary as they go.

EXT. TRAIL THROUGH THE WOODS – NIGHT

The girls take a shortcut through the woods and get caught in blizzard conditions.

Looking for shelter, they come across Old Lady Setter’s house. The porch light is on and welcoming. There’s also a light on in the window.

Mallory wants to go inside. “Old Lady Setter isn’t home. She’ll never know.” She seeks and finds a window unlatched and with its bars open. Kathryn tries to stop her, but Mallory climbs in through the window. Reluctant to leave Mallory by herself, Kathryn climbs in after her. Max enters behind her.

INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Once inside the house, the window latches and the bars close and lock in front of it.

Mallory freaks.

Kathryn tells her to calm down. They’ll be able to leave through the front door. But then, they hear the doors and windows all lock by themselves.

When Kathryn tries to unlock and open the front door, she can’t. When she realizes that there might be no way out, she tells Mallory, “Maybe, it’s special security to protect all Old Lady Setter’s antiques.” The house does double duty as an antiques store.

Mallory pitches a fit.

Kathryn reassures Mallory. “ We’ll find a way out.”

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Inside the house, Kathryn looks for a way out, but all the windows are barred and latched, and all the doors are locked and won’t open from the inside. They are trapped. All escape routes seem cut off.

Mallory continues her hysterical behavior.

Kathryn distracts Mallory by turning her attention to the antiques. One is an old Steinway piano. Mallory is eager to try it. She sits down and begins to play.

Meanwhile, Kathryn looks around. She passes an old candelabra holding four candles. A box of matches sits alongside. Kathryn touches different items, she sees their histories revealed, including tragedies.

Touching a M1917 doughboy helmet, used by U. S. soldiers in World War I, she sees in a vision that it belonged to a soldier killed by a bullet to the chest at Argonne in France. He was 19 years old and unlucky enough to be caught up in the deadliest battle of the war.

Touching a steering wheel, she sees in a vision that it’s from a 1922 Sunbeam that crashed during a pick-up road race, killing the driver, an adventurer and risk-taker, who died at the age of 23.

When she joins Mallory at the Steinway, she touches it and sees that the 1920 Steinway piano was passed down in a family to a young female prodigy, who died in 1967 of a drug overdose at a college party. One bad choice, and she was dead.

Shivering, Kathryn takes out her rosary. The visions go away.

Then, suddenly, all the lights go out.

Mallory screams. Kathryn calms her down. “It’s the storm. I’ll check the circuit breakers.”

Feeling her way back to the candelabra, Kathryn lights the candles and carries into one room and then another. Mallory frantically sticks to her side.

Finally, they find the circuit breaker box. Kathryn checks the circuit breakers. None are blown.

Kathryn takes out her mobile phone. “We need to call Mom.” But there’s no phone service.

Mallory takes out her phone, tries to call home. It doesn’t work either.

Mallory needs to use the restroom.

INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT

In the bathroom, Kathryn on the tub while Mallory uses the toilet.

Mallory preens in front of the mirror.

They hear a noise. Suddenly, they realize that there is someone else in the house.

INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – HALL – NIGHT

Kathryn steps out of the bathroom and comes face-to-face with Max. She knows right away that he’s Max’s ghost. Kathryn asks Max how he got into the house. He tells her he came in with Mallory. He’s surprised she didn’t know that. He acts like he’s still alive.

Mallory comes out of the bathroom and joins Kathryn. Kathryn introduces her to Max, but Mallory can’t see him, at least not until she sees his reflection in the hall mirror.

Mallory can’t seem to keep from looking at herself in the mirror.

Mallory sees Max. She loses it AGAIN!

Comforting Mallory, Kathryn feels the pocketknife in Mallory’s pocket. She takes it out and realizes that Max must be attached to it in some way. That’s why he’s there with them.

Mallory explains that she wanted his creativity. What she got was him. “I’m sorry.”

Kathryn explains the situation to Mallory. Max, hearing what she says, remembers what happened to him.

He remembers what happened to him. He’s full of anger toward his stepfather, who beat him and sent him out of the house to die. He blames his mother for allowing his stepfather to abuse him.

Now he accepts that he’s dead.

Kathryn suggests to him that dying with a grudge against his stepfather is preventing him from departing to the afterlife.

MIDPOINT: The malevolent ghost introduces himself and tells them they will die unless they can find his bones buried in the basement.

A malevolent ghost of a woman confronts the three. She sends Max flying. Now, she tells the girls that she has a surprise for them.

Reluctantly, Kathryn and Mallory and Max follow her into the living room and an old chest.

INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Mallory opens the chest It’s full of beautiful clothes.

The malevolent ghost tells her she’s free to try on the clothes. “Have fun with it she says.”

Kathryn tries to persuade Mallory to close the chest.

Mallory gets angry. She refuses to follow Kathryn’s advice.

Max hides in the shadows.

Mallory tries on one dress after another and preens in front of a mirror.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Mallory tries on the last dress in the chest. It’s beautiful. She preens in front of a mirror.

Suddenly, the dress puts a strangle-hold on Mallory.ax creeps out of the shadows.

Mallory starts vomiting. Kathryn tries to release her from the dress to no avail.

Mallory remembers what the Ouija Board said and is convinced she’s going to die. She loses it believing that she will die without her parents ever finding her.

Mallory collapses.

Other ghosts of other children appear out of the woodwork. They are all raging, throwing things, threatening. Kathryn tries to protect a terrified Mallory.

The malevolent ghost enters into Mallory.

Midnight chimes on a clock upstairs. It’s Mallory’s 13^th birthday. Mallory loses it. She believes her death is imminent based on the Ouija Board.

Kathryn begs the demon leave Mallory and enter into her.

The malevolent ghost obliges, suddenly diving out of Mallory into Kathryn. Kathryn is possessed.

The malevolent ghost is trapped inside Katherine, screaming to get out.

Finding herself all alone with a ghost and a possessed sister, Mallory starts praying Kathryn’s rosary.

It’s her only hope of getting rid of the malevolent ghost.

INT. FOYER – NIGHT

There’s a sound of a key in the front door. Old Lady Setter enters. As if by magic, she finds everything in the house put to right.

Mallory enters the foyer and finds the front door wide open. She’s tempted to leave without Kathryn when she has the chance.

She denies herself and runs back to the living room.

INT. OLD LADY SETTER’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Max and Mallory both pray for Kathryn’s deliverance.

The malevolent ghost is exorcised.

Kathryn’s possession and exorcism makes Mallory realize the error of her ways.

Kathryn realizes that Mallory does not need her anymore.

Mrs. Setter doesn’t seem surprised to find Kathryn and Mallory in the house. She gives Mallory a box and tells her to give it to her mother.

The girls leave.

The pocket knife remains behind in the house.

The ghosts of Max and others can be seen peering out the windows.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Malory and Kathryn go to the police.

Kathryn tells the police about what she knows about Max’s situation.

The story of Max’s abuse is exposed on TV news. His stepfather is arrested.

Max forgives his mother and departs for purgatory/or heaven.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Character Journey Track

What I learned doing this assignment is that each track is a layer that fleshes out the plot of the story. I’m learning much more about my characters.

Leader
Rescuer
Innocent
Out of control / Obnoxious
Red Herring Love Interest or lovers
Complainer
Rebel / Rule Breaker
Introvert / Loner
Moral One
Monster Bait
The Carrier: The one who brings the horror to the group Sacrificial Lamb

Character Profiles

Kathryn Abbott:

Her role is to take keep an eye on Mallory. She also is a psychic.

She is the moral one and fears the ruin of Mallory’s soul.

She wants peace. She needs to use her gifts to help the possessed.

She’s not popular with her peers because she sticks to the rules of her faith.

She’s kind, which makes her likable.

She is calm under stress.

Mallory Abbott:

Her role is to keep pushing her boundaries. She’s out of control and obnoxious.

She fears ghosts.

She wants to do whatever she wants, to be her own god.

She needs to realize that she is monster bait as long as she continues her selfish ways.

She is likable because she loves animals.

She gets hysterical under stress.

Max Brackett:

He’s a ghost brought into the house by Mallory when she picked up an item belonging to the dead boy.

He wants to depart for the afterlife.

He needs to let go of his grudge against his mother and stepfather.

Kathryn and Mallory’s mother – Grace Abbott

Kathryn and Mallory’s father – Frank Abbott

Old Lady Setter (Millie)

Max Breckett, ghost of dead boy, pocketknife.

Birthday Girl’s Mother – Lili Umbra

Kathryn’s Character Journey:

1. Character Intro: Kathryn is introduced at home while watching the news story of the boy found dead. She is sad to hear the news.<div>
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2. Denial: At first glance, Old Lady Setter’s house feels welcoming. But as he peeks in the window, she worries that there is danger there.

3. Their reaction at first horror: She wants to leave into the snow right away. She wants to put distance between her and Mallory and the house. But Mallory climbs through the window anyway. Kathryn follows because she feels responsible for Mallory. Once inside, after the window locks behind them, she tries not to believe the house is haunted. She runs around looking for a way out.

4. Relation to group after first horror: When she realizes they’re locked in and there may be no way out, she tries to comfort Mallory. “We’ll find a way out.”

5. How they fight back: She decides to trap the demon by letting herself become possessed.

6. End Point: She needs an exorcist.

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Her possession makes Mallory realize the error of her ways.

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Mallory’s Character Journey:

1. Character Intro: Mallory is introduced at home while watching the news story of the boy found dead. She wants to know what happened. Her curiosity takes over.</div><div>2. Denial: When the window locks behind them after they enter, she is sure that they’ll find a way out. When it seems that there is no way out, she freaks out.
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3. Their reaction at first horror: Hysterical behavior:

4. Relation to group after first horror: She is not much use to Kathryn after that, complaining, crying, etc.

5. How they fight back: She ends up praying the rosary. When she has an opportunity to leave on her own, she stays by Kathryn’s side.

6. End Point: She insists that Kathryn be exorcised.

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Kathryn realizes that Mallory does not need her anymore.

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Max’s Character Journey:

1. Character Intro: His body is seen on TV at the beginning of the story, a victim of a beating followed by hypothermia.

2. Denial. When he is carried to Old Lady Setter’s House in Mallory’s pocket, attached to his knife, he doesn’t realize he’s actually dead.

3. Their reaction at first horror: He’s scared of the other ghosts in the house, too.

4. Relation to group after first horror. He can only be seen and heard by Kathryn. Though Mallory can see him if his image appears in a mirror she’s looking into.

5. How they fight back: When told he’s dead, he remembers what happened and is angry toward his stepfather, who beat him and sent him out of the house to die. Dying with a grudge against his stepfather is preventing him from departing to the afterlife.

6. End point: He forgives his parents and departs for purgatory/or heaven.

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? The story ends with his story of abuse exposed on TV news.

2. Character journeys added to the outline.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established:

Introduce Max; Demand #1 – Dead body of a boy named Max Brackett found in the snow. How did he die?

Monster Clue/Reveal #1 – TV news speculates the Max’s death was due to hypothermia.

Demand #2 – On the way to the birthday party, Kathryn and Mallory pass by the site of Max’s death on their way to a friend’s birthday party. Did he really die from hypothermia?

Monster Clue/Reveal #2 – Mallory finds a pocketknife she believes must have belonged to the boy. She pockets it to give to the boy’s family. Kathryn tries to convince Mallory to leave the knife behind. Later, it will be important as a reason for Mallory and Kathryn to visit the police station and give the investigating officer the knife.

Connect with the characters: Introduce Kathryn and Mallory. We meet Kathryn and Mallory and their parents, Grace and Frank Abbott. The girls are getting ready to go to a friend’s birthday party. Grace tells the girls she’ll pick them up at their friend’s house. She doesn’t want them to walk home in the dark. On the way out, Mallory pets the dog. She’s an animal lover.

Walking to the party, the girls pass by the site where Max’s body was found. Mallory is very curious about his death. Looking over the area, she finds a pocketknife. Kathryn tells her to leave it, it might be important to the police investigation. Mallory agrees, pretends to put the knife back where she found it, but then puts it into her pocket. Max’s ghost goes into her pocket linked to the knife.

The girls pass by Old Lady Setter’s house. They see her leaving the house with a suitcase.

A birthday party where twelve-year-old girls are given a Ouija Board to play with a Ouija Board.

Horror Situation 1: At the birthday party, the birthday girl’s mother, Lili Umbra, presents her daughter, Bedelia, with a Ouija Board. Kathryn is forbidden by her Catholic faith to play with it. She reminds Mallory of the rule.

Reaction: Denial: Mallory doesn’t believe in that taboo and refuses to heed Kathryn’s warning.

Horror Situation 2: All the girls except Kathryn are lured into playing with the Ouija Board.

Reaction: Solve it: Kathryn silently calls on St. Michael the Archangel to defend them from evil.

Horror Situation 3, Demand #3: Mallory takes her turn at the Ouija Board. She asks the Ouija Board, “When will I die?” The Board answers, “Before your 13^th birthday.

Reaction: Mallory loses it.

Reaction: Monster Clue/Reveal #3: To solve the problem, Kathryn tries to calm Mallory down by telling her that the Ouija Board’s answer is nonsense. She tells her friend that it’s best that they leave. They head out into the dark and the snow. Kathryn prays the rosary as they go.

Horror Situation 4: On their way home, the girls get caught in blizzard conditions.

Reaction: Solve the problem. The girls look for shelter. They come to Old Lady Setter’s house.

Horror Situation 5: Though they girls have been warned not to go anywhere near Old Lady Setter’s house, Mallory is lured in by the friendly light on the old house’s backdoor.

Demand #4 – A light on the porch and one inside Old Lady Setter’s House welcomes the girls seeking shelter from a storm. They climb through a window which immediately locks behind them.

Reaction: Denial: At first, the girls take shelter on the porch, but when the wind blows snow into them, Mallory rationalizes that it will be okay to enter the house. She seeks and finds an unlatched window with its bars open. She crawls through the window.

Their reaction at first horror: Kathryn wants to keep moving toward home. There’s something about the house she doesn’t like. She wants to put distance between her and Mallory and the house, but she follows Mallory inside. She can’t leave her alone.

Once they’re inside, the window locks behind them.

Monster Clue/Reveal #4 – To solve the problem, Kathryn looks for another exit. All the doors and windows are securely locked. Old Lady Setter’s antiques are well protected.

Relation to group after first horror: When Kathryn realizes they’re locked in and there may be no way out, she tries to comfort Mallory. “We’ll find a way out.”

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Horror Situation 6: Once inside the house, the doors and barred windows lock, seemingly of their own accord. They are trapped. All escape routes seem cut off.

Mallory’s Denial: When the window locks behind them after they enter, she is sure that they’ll find a way out. When it seems that there is no way out, she freaks out.

Mallory’s reaction at first horror: Hysterical behavior.

Demand #5 – The girls look over some of Old Lady Setter’s antiques. As Kathryn touches different ones, she sees tragedy tied to them.

Monster Clue/Reveal #5 – She takes out her rosary. The visions go away.

Demand #6 – The lights go out.

Monster Clue/Reveal #6 – To solve the problem, Katheryn checks the circuit breaker box. None of the circuit breakers are blown.

Horror Situation 7: The lights won’t turn on.

Reaction: Try to solve the problem. The girls take out their cellphones.

Horror Situation 8: The girls try to phone for help on their cellphones, but they don’t work either.

Demand #7 – Kathryn tries to phone home to tell her parents where she is, but there’s no phone service. Mallory doesn’t have phone service either.

Monster Clue/Reveal #7 – Whatever is in the house can effect phone service.

Reaction: The girls split up and try to find candles and matches.

Death #1. A M1917 doughboy helmet, used by U. S. soldiers in World War I. This one belonged to a soldier killed by a bullet to the chest at Argonne in France. He was 19 years old and unlucky enough to be caught up in the deadliest battle of the war.

Death #2. Steering wheel from a 1922 Sunbeam that crashed during a pick-up road race, killing the driver, an adventurer and risk-taker, who died at the age of 23.

Death #3. A 1920 Steinway piano, passed down in a family to a young female prodigy, who died in 1967 of a drug overdose at a college party. One bad choice, and she was dead.

Mallory sits down at the Steinway and starts to play.

Mallory needs to go to the restroom.

But then they realize that there is someone else in the house.

Demand #8 – In the bathroom, Kathryn sees the ghost of a boy. He writes his name in the air: Max. Kathryn recognizes him as the boy on TV news who died of hypothermia in the snow.

Kathryn asks Max how he got into the house. He tells her he came in with Mallory. He acts like he’s still alive.

Horror Situation 9: Mallory doesn’t believe that Max is with them until she sees his reflection in the mirror.

Reaction: Mallory loses it.

Kathryn comforts Mallory. She finds the pocketknife in Mallory’s pocket and realizes that Max must have entered the house in Mallory’s pocket, linked to the pocketknife.

Kathryn explains to Max that he’s dead. He won’t believe her.

Monster Clue/Reveal #8 – The lights turn on in the basement.

Horror Situation 11: Urged on by Max, they go down into the basement.

Reaction: Try to solve the problem. The girls decide to trust Max. They go with him down into the basement and find that the lights are on.

Demand #9 – In the basement, there’s a horrible stink. Mallory backtracks.

Monster Clue/Reveal #9 – Max following, Kathryn searches the basement.

Kathryn takes out her cellphone, but it’s still out of service.

MIDPOINT: The malevolent ghost introduces himself and tells them they will die unless they can find his bones buried in the basement.

The stink is coming from a dark cloud.

Horror Situation 12: There’s someone else in the basement. This spirit is malevolent.

Reaction: Suddenly, Mallory can’t breathe in the basement.

Horror Situation 13: The malevolent spirit demands Kathryn start digging to find his bones.

Reaction: Mallory freaks out. She faints.

Kathryn keeps digging under the malevolent spirit’s supervision, but when she finds the bones, the spirit goes into a rage.

Reaction: Mallory falls ill. Kathryn tries to comfort her.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Kathryn starts a conversation with Max. She tells him he’s dead.

How they fight back: When told he’s dead, he remembers what happened and is angry toward his stepfather, who beat him and sent him out of the house to die. Dying with a grudge against his stepfather is preventing him from departing to the afterlife.

What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? The story ends with his story of abuse exposed on TV news.

Mallory remembers what the Ouija Board said and is convinced she’s going to die. She loses it believing that she will die without her parents ever finding her.

She lies down and refuses to cooperate with anything Kathryn and Max want her to do.

Horror Situation 14: Other ghosts of other children appear out of the woodwork. They are all raging,

throwing things, threatening. Kathryn and Mallory huddle together terrified.

How they fight back: She decides to trap the demon by letting herself become possessed.

The malevolent ghost suddenly dives into Kathryn.

Demand #10 – The monster, a demon, has possessed Kathryn.

Monster Clue/Reveal #10 – Mallory is all alone with a ghost and a demon-possessed friend. Now she has to find out what will get rid of the demon. She starts praying the rosary.

Demand #9 – Katheryn senses someone else in the house. Maybe, help has arrived.

There’s a sound of a key in the front door. Old Lady Setter enters.

As if by magic, everything in the house is put to right.

Dilemma: Does Mallory leave without Kathryn when she has the chance.

Mallory ignores the fact that someone might be rescuing in favor of praying for Kathryn.

Max prays with Mallory.

Midnight chimes on a clock upstairs. It’s Mallory’s 13^th birthday.

Mallory realizes that she’s not going to die just yet.

The malevolent ghost is exorcised.

Kathryn’s possession and exorcism makes Mallory realize the error of her ways.

Kathryn realizes that Mallory does not need her anymore.

Mrs. Setter doesn’t seem surprised to find Kathryn and Mallory in the house. She gives Mallory a box and tells her to give it to her mother.

The girls leave.

The ghosts of the boy and other children can be seen peering out the windows.

End point: He forgives his parents and departs for purgatory/or heaven.

What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? The story ends with his story of abuse exposed on TV news.

End point: He forgives his parents and departs for purgatory/or heaven.

What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? The story ends with his story of abuse exposed on TV news.

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[Madeleine Vessel]

Subject line: (Your Name’s) Monster Reveal Track (place in first line)

“What I learned doing this assignment is creating a monster reveal track furthers the plot and makes the story more scary and more realistic. Action/reaction. I don’t have all the demands and reveals worked out yet but this is a start.

MONSTER REVEAL TRACK

Max is a ghost who is trapped in the house.

Powers: He can keep people under 13 trapped in the house. He can scare people by throwing things, shutting off lights, interfering with cellphone service.

Limitations: He can’t leave the house himself. He can’t use any of this powers against people thirteen years old and older.

He wants to leave the house and go to the afterlife, but he doesn’t know how to do that. His weakness is that he doesn’t know the secret of what it will take for him to leave.

His plan is to convince Kathryn and Mallory to dig up his bones, thinking that will release him.

Satan and his legion want to possess Kathryn.

Kathryn is a psychic. The minute she enters the house, she knows something evil is present

Powers: He can possess Kathryn if she lets down her guard.

Limitations: He cannot stand up against God or his angels.

Weaknesses: Crucifix, rosary, other religious articles. Prayer

DEMANDS AND REVEALS

Demand #1 – Dead boy found in the snow. How did he die?

Monster Clue/Reveal #1 – Newspapers declare it suicide. Boy had history of depression.

Demand #2 – Kathryn and Mallory pass by the site of the boy’s death on their way to a friend’s birthday party. Did he really die from suicide?

Monster Clue/Reveal #2 – Mallory finds a mobile phone she believes must have belonged to the boy. She pockets it to give to the boy’s family. Katheryn doesn’t like the look of the item. She tries to convince Mallory to leave it behind.

Demand #3 – At the birthday party, birthday girl’s mother gives the girls a Ouija Board to play with. It tells Mallory she will die before she’s 13, which is in a couple of days.

Monster Clue/Reveal #3 – To solve the problem, Kathryn spirits Mallory out of the house, praying the rosary as she goes.

Demand #4 – A light on the porch and one inside Old Lady Setter’s House welcomes the girls seeking shelter from a storm. They climb through a window which immediately locks behind them.

Monster Clue/Reveal #4 – To solve the problem, Kathryn looks for another exit. All the doors and windows are securely locked. Old Lady Setter’s antiques are well protected.

Demand #5 – The girls look over some of Old Lady Setter’s antiques. As Katheryn touches different ones, she sees tragedy tied to them.

Monster Clue/Reveal #5 – She takes out her rosary. The visions go away.

Demand #6 – The lights go out.

Monster Clue/Reveal #6 – To solve the problem, Katheryn checks the circuit breaker box. None of the circuit breakers are blown.

Demand #7 – Kathryn tries to phone home to tell her parents where she is, but there’s no phone service. Mallory doesn’t have phone service either.

Monster Clue/Reveal #7 – Whatever is in the house can effect phone service.

Demand #8 – In the bathroom, Kathryn sees the ghost of a boy who writes his name in the air. He’s Max. He beckons Kathryn to the basement door. Katheryn, asks Max who he is. He’s a wondering ghost who has sought shelter in the house after he was murdered. It was meant to be a temporary stay, but something evil there won’t let him back out.

Monster Clue/Reveal #8 – The lights turn on in the basement.

Demand #9 – In the basement, there’s a horrible stink. Mallory backtracks.

Monster Clue/Reveal #9 – Max following, Kathryn searches the basement. The stink is coming from a dark cloud, which suddenly dives into Kathryn.

Demand #10 – The monster, a demon, has possessed Kathryn.

Monster Clue/Reveal #10 – Mallory is all alone with a ghost and a demon-possessed friend. Now she has to find out what will get rid of the demon. She starts praying.

Demand #9 – Katheryn senses someone else in the house. Maybe, help has arrived.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established:

Demand #1 – Dead boy found in the snow. How did he die?

Monster Clue/Reveal #1 – Newspapers declare it suicide. Boy had history of depression.

Demand #2 – On the way to the birthday party, Kathryn and Mallory pass by the site of the boy’s death on their way to a friend’s birthday party. Did he really die from suicide?

Monster Clue/Reveal #2 – Mallory finds a mobile phone she believes must have belonged to the boy. She pockets it to give to the boy’s family. Katheryn doesn’t like the look of the item. She tries to convince Mallory to leave it behind.

A birthday party where twelve-year-old girls are given a Ouija Board to play with a Ouija Board.

Connect with the characters: Introduce Kathryn and Mallory

Horror Situation 1: At the birthday party, the birthday girl’s mother presents the girls with a Ouija Board to play with. Kathryn is forbidden by her Catholic faith to play with it. She urges Mallory not to join in.

Reaction: Denial: Mallory doesn’t believe in that taboo and refuses to heed Kathryn’s warning.

Horror Situation 2: All the girls except Kathryn are lured into playing with the Ouija Board.

Reaction: Solve it: Kathryn tries to solve the problem by calling on St. Michael the Archangel to defend them from evil.

Horror Situation 3: Mallory takes her turn at the Ouija Board. Mallory asks the Ouija Board, “When will I die?” The Board answers, “Before your 13^th birthday.

Reaction: Mallory loses it.

Reaction: Kathryn tries to take care of Mallory by convincing what the Ouija Board is nonsense and by telling her they should leave. We’ll go together.

Demand #3 – At the birthday party, birthday girl’s mother gives the girls a Ouija Board to play with. It tells Mallory she will die before she’s 13, which is in a couple of days.

Monster Clue/Reveal #3 – To solve the problem, Kathryn spirits Mallory out of the house, praying the rosary as she goes.

Introduce Max, the ghost of a long-dead boy.

Introduce old lady Setter, who leaves the house with a suitcase.

Horror Situation 4: On their way home, the girls get caught in a heavy downpour of rain.

Reaction: Solve the problem. The girls look for shelter. They come to Old Lady Setter’s house.

Horror Situation 5: Though they girls have been warned not to go anywhere near Old Lady Setter’s house, the girls are lured into danger by the friendly light on the old house’s backdoor.

Reaction: Denial: At first, the girls take shelter on the porch, but when the wind blows rain into them they rationalize that it will be okay to enter the house. They seek and find an unlatched window with its bars open. They crawl through the window.

Demand #4 – A light on the porch and one inside Old Lady Setter’s House welcomes the girls seeking shelter from a storm. They climb through a window which immediately locks behind them.

Monster Clue/Reveal #4 – To solve the problem, Kathryn looks for another exit. All the doors and windows are securely locked. Old Lady Setter’s antiques are well protected.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Horror Situation 6: Once inside the house, the doors and barred windows lock, seemingly of their own accord. They are trapped. All escape routes seem cut off.

Demand #5 – The girls look over some of Old Lady Setter’s antiques. As Katheryn touches different ones, she sees tragedy tied to them.

Monster Clue/Reveal #5 – She takes out her rosary. The visions go away.

Demand #6 – The lights go out.

Monster Clue/Reveal #6 – To solve the problem, Katheryn checks the circuit breaker box. None of the circuit breakers are blown.

Horror Situation 7: The lights won’t turn on.

Reaction: Try to solve the problem. The girls take out their cellphones.

Horror Situation 8: The girls try to phone for help on their cellphones, but they don’t work either.

Demand #7 – Kathryn tries to phone home to tell her parents where she is, but there’s no phone service. Mallory doesn’t have phone service either.

Monster Clue/Reveal #7 – Whatever is in the house can effect phone service.

Reaction: The girls split up and try to find candles and matches.

Death #1. A M1917 doughboy helmet, used by U. S. soldiers in World War I. This one belonged to a soldier killed by a bullet to the chest at Argonne in France. He was 19 years old and unlucky enough to be caught up in the deadliest battle of the war.

Death #2. Steering wheel from a 1922 Sunbeam that crashed during a pick-up road race, killing the driver, an adventurer and risk-taker, who died at the age of 23.

Death #3. A 1920 Steinway piano, passed down in a family to a young female prodigy, who died in 1967 of a drug overdose at a college party. One bad choice, and she was dead.

Mallory sits down at the Steinway and starts to play.

Mallory needs to go to the restroom.

But then they realize that there is someone else in the house.

Demand #8 – In the bathroom, Kathryn sees the ghost of a boy who writes his name in the air. He’s Max. He beckons Kathryn to the basement door. Katheryn, asks Max who he is. He’s a wondering ghost who has sought shelter in the house after he was murdered. It was meant to be a temporary stay, but something evil there won’t let him back out.

Monster Clue/Reveal #8 – The lights turn on in the basement.

Horror Situation 9: Someone else in the house. Max appears in front of Mallory.

Reaction: Hysteria Loses it.

Kathryn comforts Mallory.

Max is wary of Kathryn. There is something about her he’s afraid of.

Horror Situation 11: Max tricks the girls into going down into the basement by telling them that the lights work down there.

Reaction: Try to solve the problem. The girls decide to trust Max. They go with him down into the basement and find that the lights are on.

Kathryn takes out her cellphone, but it’s still out of service.

He beckons Kathryn to the basement door. Katheryn, asks Max who he is. He’s a wondering ghost who has sought shelter in the house after he was murdered. It was meant to be a temporary stay, but something evil there won’t let him back out.

Demand #8 – In the bathroom, Kathryn sees the ghost of a boy who writes his name in the air. He’s Max. He beckons Kathryn to the basement door. Katheryn, asks Max who he is. He’s a wondering ghost who has sought shelter in the house after he was murdered. It was meant to be a temporary stay, but something evil there won’t let him back out.

Monster Clue/Reveal #8 – The lights turn on in the basement.

MIDPOINT: The ghost introduces himself and tells them they will die unless they can find his bones buried in the basement.

Horror Situation 12: Max tells the girls that he and they are trapped inside the house because his bones are buried in the basement. He tells them that if they dig up his bones, they will all be able to leave the house.

Reaction: Mallory can’t breathe in the basement. She refuses to dig.

Kathryn finds a tool and starts digging.

Horror Situation 13: Kathryn finds human bones.

Reaction: Mallory freaks out. She faints.

Kathryn keeps digging under Max’s supervision, but when she has dug up all the bones and she and Max try an upstairs door, they are still locked in.

Max is confused. He believed he would be freed from his ghostly existence if he could find his bones. But then he realizes the bones are not his. Someone else is buried there.

Turns out that the bones aren’t Max’s, and there are more ghosts in the house than him.

Reaction: Mallory falls ill. Kathryn comforts her. Tells her they need to find another way out.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Demand #9 – In the basement, there’s a horrible stink. Mallory Tries to leave.

Monster Clue/Reveal #9 – Max following, Kathryn searches the basement. The stink is coming from a dark cloud, which suddenly dives into Kathryn.

Demand #10 – The monster, a demon, has possessed Kathryn.

Monster Clue/Reveal #10 – Mallory is all alone with a ghost and a demon-possessed friend. Now she has to find out what will get rid of the demon. She starts praying.

Kathryn starts a conversation with Max. She tries to find out what happened to him.

Max stops threatening the girls and tells them what he knows.

Mallory remembers what the Ouija Board said and is convinced she’s going to die. She loses it believing that she will die without her parents ever finding her.

She lies down and refuses to cooperate with anything Kathryn and Max want her to do.

Max goes into a rage.

Max tells the girls they’ll never get out, and there’s a terrible fate in store for them.

Horror Situation 14: Other ghosts of other children appear out of the woodwork. They are all raging, throwing things, threatening. Kathryn and Mallory huddle together terrified.

Midnight chimes on a clock upstairs. It’s Kathryn’s 13^th birthday.

The sound of locks opening reaches the girls in the basement.

Max tells the girls that Kathryn can leave because she’s reached her 13^th birthday.

Dilemma: Does Kathryn leave without Mallory when she has the chance.

Kathryn decides to stay with Mallory, who seems like she’s at death’s door.

Now, the real monster appears. She’s Kathryn. Kathryn starts to choke Mallory, but then there’s a sound of a key in the front door. Old Lady Setter enters.

As if by magic, everything in the house is put to right.

Mrs. Setter doesn’t seem surprised to find Kathryn and Mallory in the house. She gives Mallory a box and tells her to give it to her mother.

The girls leave.

The ghosts of the boy and other children can be seen peering out the windows.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Character Death Track

“What I learned doing this assignment is deaths in a horror movie need to be ordered, have a reason for their happening, and a method of killing. Pretty interesting.

In my story, no characters die, but the ghosts that populate the story previously died in horrific ways.

My character Kathryn experiences visions of people dying as she moves among and touches the antiques in the house.

Considering the rule of three, I will have Kathryn experience visions of three deaths, each one associated with an antique for sale in Old Lady Setter’s house.

Order of Kathryn’s visions: They happen as she touches the objects. Finally she puts her hands in her pockets.

1. A M1917 doughboy helmet, used by U. S. soldiers in World War I. This one belonged to a soldier killed by a bullet to the chest at Argonne in France. He was 19 years old and unlucky enough to be caught up in the deadliest battle of the war.

2. Steering wheel from a 1922 Sunbeam that crashed during a pick-up road race, killing the driver, an adventurer and risk-taker, who died at the age of 23.

3. A 1920 Steinway piano, passed down in a family to a young female prodigy, who died in 1967 of a drug overdose at a college party. One bad choice, and she was dead.

None of these victims are ghosts trapped in the house, but they populate Kathryn’s visions and add to the horror environment.

2. Build the answers into your outline.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established: Story opens at a birthday party where twelve-year-old girls are given a Ouija Board to play with a Ouija Board.

Connect with the characters: Introduce Kathryn and Mallory

Horror Situation 1: At the birthday party, the birthday girl’s mother presents the girls with a Ouija Board to play with. Kathryn is forbidden by her Catholic faith to play with it. She urges Mallory not to join in.

Reaction: Denial: Mallory doesn’t believe in that taboo and refuses to heed Kathryn’s warning.

Horror Situation 2: All the girls except Kathryn are lured into playing with the Ouija Board.

Reaction: Solve it: Kathryn tries to solve the problem by calling on St. Michael the Archangel to defend them from evil.

Horror Situation 3: Mallory takes her turn at the Ouija Board. Mallory asks the Ouija Board, “When will I die?” The Board answers, “Before your 13^th birthday.

Reaction: Mallory loses it.

Reaction: Kathryn tries to take care of Mallory by convincing what the Ouija Board is nonsense and by telling her they should leave. We’ll go together.

Introduce Max, the ghost of a long-dead boy.

Introduce old lady Setter, who leaves the house with a suitcase.

Horror Situation 4: On their way home, the girls get caught in a heavy downpour of rain.

Reaction: Solve the problem. The girls look for shelter. They come to Old Lady Setter’s house.

Horror Situation 5: Though they girls have been warned not to go anywhere near Old Lady Setter’s house, the girls are lured into danger by the friendly light on the old house’s backdoor.

Reaction: Denial: At first, the girls take shelter on the porch, but when the wind blows rain into them they rationalize that it will be okay to enter the house. They seek and find an unlatched window with its bars open. They crawl through the window.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Horror Situation 6: Once inside the house, the doors and barred windows lock, seemingly of their own accord. They are trapped. All escape routes seem cut off.

Reaction: Try to solve the problem: The girls look for lights to turn on.

Horror Situation 7: The lights won’t turn on.

Reaction: Try to solve the problem. The girls take out their cellphones.

Horror Situation 8: The girls try to phone for help on their cellphones, but they don’t work either.

Reaction: The girls split up and try to find candles and matches.

Death #1. A M1917 doughboy helmet, used by U. S. soldiers in World War I. This one belonged to a soldier killed by a bullet to the chest at Argonne in France. He was 19 years old and unlucky enough to be caught up in the deadliest battle of the war.

Death #2. Steering wheel from a 1922 Sunbeam that crashed during a pick-up road race, killing the driver, an adventurer and risk-taker, who died at the age of 23.

Death #3. A 1920 Steinway piano, passed down in a family to a young female prodigy, who died in 1967 of a drug overdose at a college party. One bad choice, and she was dead.

Mallory sits down at the Steinway and starts to play.

But then they realize that there is someone else in the house.

Horror Situation 9: Someone else in the house. Max appears in front of Mallory.

Reaction: Hysteria Loses it.

Kathryn comforts Mallory.

Max is wary of Kathryn. There is something about her he’s afraid of.

Horror Situation 11: Max tricks the girls into going down into the basement by telling them that the lights work down there.

Reaction: Try to solve the problem. The girls decide to trust Max. They go with him down into the basement and find that the lights are on.

Kathryn takes out her cellphone, but it’s still out of service.

MIDPOINT: The ghost introduces himself and tells them they will die unless they can find his bones buried in the basement.

Horror Situation 12: Max tells the girls that he and they are trapped inside the house because his bones are buried in the basement. He tells them that if they dig up his bones, they will all be able to leave the house.

Reaction: Mallory can’t breathe in the basement. She refuses to dig.

Kathryn finds a tool and starts digging.

Horror Situation 13: Kathryn finds human bones.

Reaction: Mallory freaks out. She faints.

Kathryn keeps digging under Max’s supervision, but when she has dug up all the bones and she and Max try an upstairs door, they are still locked in.

Max is confused. He believed he would be freed from his ghostly existence if he could find his bones. But then he realizes the bones are not his. Someone else is buried there.

Turns out that the bones aren’t Max’s, and there are more ghosts in the house than him.

Reaction: Mallory falls ill. Kathryn comforts her. Tells her they need to find another way out.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Kathryn starts a conversation with Max. She tries to find out what happened to him.

Max stops threatening the girls and tells them what he knows.

Mallory remembers what the Ouija Board said and is convinced she’s going to die. She loses it believing that she will die without her parents ever finding her.

She lies down and refuses to cooperate with anything Kathryn and Max want her to do.

Max goes into a rage.

Max tells the girls they’ll never get out, and there’s a terrible fate in store for them.

Horror Situation 14: Other ghosts of other children appear out of the woodwork. They are all raging, throwing things, threatening. Kathryn and Mallory huddle together terrified.

Midnight chimes on a clock upstairs. It’s Kathryn’s 13^th birthday.

The sound of locks opening reaches the girls in the basement.

Max tells the girls that Kathryn can leave because she’s reached her 13^th birthday.

Dilemma: Does Kathryn leave without Mallory when she has the chance.

Kathryn decides to stay with Mallory, who seems like she’s at death’s door.

Now, the real monster appears. He taunts Kathryn, chokes her, until Kathryn starts to pray.

Kathryn sits beside Mallory praying until the sun comes up in the morning.

There’s a sound of a key in the front door. Old Lady Setter enters.

As if by magic, everything in the house is put to right.

Mrs. Setter doesn’t seem surprised to find Kathryn and Mallory in the house. She gives Katheryn a box and tells her to give it to her mother.

The girls leave.

The ghosts of the boy and other children can be seen peering out the windows.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Horror Situation Track

“What I learned doing this assignment is that using horror situations and reactions helps to flesh out a horror plot. It also keeps the horror tension at a high level. I still don’t know exactly how to end my story, but it definitely is coming together, bit by bit. Yay!!

STEP 1: Brainstorm 20 to 50 potential horror situations for your story.

1. Doing something forbidden. At the birthday party, the birthday girls presents the girls with a Ouija Board to play with.

2. Trapped into playing with a Ouija Board.

3. Kathryn tells Mallory she should think twice before playing with the Ouija Board, but Mallory doesn’t listen. Mallory takes her turn at the Ouija Board.

4. Mallory loses it when the Ouija Board tells her she will die before she turns 13.

5. Trapped by rain.

6. The girls jump out of the frying pan into the fire when they enter the old house.

7. Trapped in house.

8. Trapped in the house’s basement.

9. Lured into danger by the friendly light on at the backdoor.

10. Impending doom. Once inside the house, the doors and barred windows lock, seemingly of their own accord. Escape route cut off.

11. House lights won’t go on. The girls’ cellphones don’t work.

12. Impending doom. The girls find a burial urn on the fireplace mantle in the living room with Roy’s ashes in it. Who is Roy?

13. Someone is in the house. A ghost boy.

14. The girls get separated and kind find each other even though they can hear one another’s voices.

15. Ghost boy tortures Mallory about her impending death. Her 13^th birthday happens at midnight.

16. Kathryn hears the ghost taunting Mallory. Her friend is in danger.

17. A ghostly boy appears to the girls and leads them down to the basement.

18. Bones in the basement don’t free the boy. Are they someone else’s bones? Maybe it’s not true that finding the bones will free the house’s ghostly occupants.

19. Mallory falls ill.

20. Mallory becomes a liability.

21. Tricked into going down to the basement. The ghost tells them the lights work down there.

22. Mallory refuses to help Kathryn dig up bones.

23. Dilemma: Does Kathryn leave without Mallory when she has the chance.

24. There’s more than one ghost in the house.

25. The girls are threatened that they will never get out of the house unless they find the ghost boy’s bones.

26. They work with the boy until they realize the bones are not the boy’s. Now he turns into a monster.

STEP 2: Determine which of those work best for your plot.

1. Doing something forbidden. At the birthday party, the birthday girls presents the girls with a Ouija Board to play with.

2. Trapped into playing with a Ouija Board.

3. Kathryn tells Mallory she should think twice before playing with the Ouija Board, but Mallory doesn’t listen. Mallory takes her turn at the Ouija Board.

4. Mallory loses it when the Ouija Board tells her she will die before she turns 13.

5. Trapped by rain.

6. Lured into danger by the friendly light on at the old house’s backdoor. The girls jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

7. Impending doom. Once inside the house, the doors and barred windows lock, seemingly of their own accord. They are trapped. All escape routes are cut off.

8. House lights won’t go on. The girls’ cellphones don’t work.

9. The girls get separated and kind find each other even though they can hear one another’s voices.

10. Someone is in the house. A ghost boy.

11. Ghost boy tortures Mallory about her impending death. Her 13^th birthday happens at midnight.

12. Kathryn hears the ghost taunting Mallory. Her friend is in danger.

13. The ghost boy tricks the girls into going down into the basement by telling them that the lights will go on down there.

14. The boy tells the girls he’s trapped like they are because his bones are hidden in the basement. He asks them to dig for them.

15. There’s more than one ghost in the house.

16. Mallory falls ill.

17. Mallory refuses to help Kathryn dig up bones.

18. Bones Kathryn digs up in the basement don’t free the boy. They’re not his.

19. The ghost turns into a monster.

20. Mallory becomes a liability.

21. Dilemma: Does Kathryn leave without Mallory when she has the chance.

22. Trapped in the house’s basement.

STEP 3: Add a Reaction (denial, solve it, hide, escape, or fight) to the selected Horror situations.

Horror Situation 1: At the birthday party, the birthday girls presents the girls with a Ouija Board to play with. Kathryn is forbidden by her Catholic faith to play with it. She urges Mallory not to join in.

Reaction: Denial: Mallory refuses to heed Kathryn’s warning and plays anyway.

Horror Situation 2: All the girls except Kathryn are lured into playing with the Ouija Board.

Reaction: Solve it: Kathryn tries to solve the problem by calling on St. Michael the Archangel to defend them from evil.

Horror Situation 3: Mallory takes her turn at the Ouija Board. The board tells her she will die before her 13^th birthday. Mallory loses it.

Reaction: Kathryn tries to take care of Mallory by telling her they should leave. We’ll go together.

Horror Situation 4: The girls get caught in a heavy downpour of rain.

Reaction: The girls look for shelter.

Horror Situation 5: The girls are lured into danger by the friendly light on the old house’s backdoor.

Reaction: At first, the girls take shelter on the porch, but when the wind blows rain into them there, they seek an entrance to the house. They crawl through a window with the bars open and the window unlatched..

Horror Situation 6: Once inside the house, the doors and barred windows lock, seemingly of their own accord. They are trapped. All escape routes seem cut off.

Reaction: The girls look for lights to turn on.

Horror Situation 7: The lights won’t turn on.

Reaction: The girls take out their cellphones.

Horror Situation 8: The girls try to phone for help on their cellphones, but they don’t work either.

Reaction: The girls split up and try to find candles and matches.

Horror Situation 9: Someone else is in the house. The ghost of a boy appears to Mallory and scares her to death.

Reaction: Mallory calls for help. Kathryn to find her in the dark.

Horror Situation 10: The ghost reminds Mallory she’s going to die before she’s 13.

Reaction: Mallory loses it.

Horror Situation 11: The ghost tricks the girls into going down into the basement by telling them that the lights work down there.

Reaction: The girls denial that the boy is a monster prompts them to trust him. They go with him down into the basement, where the lights turn on.

Horror Situation 12: The ghost tells he girls that he and they are trapped inside the house because his bones are buried in the basement. He asks them to help him escape by digging for the bones.

Reaction: Mallory refuses to dig. Kathryn finds a tool and starts digging.

Horror Situation 13: Bones Kathryn digs up do not free the boy or the girls. Turns out that there are more ghosts in the house than those of the boy’s.

Reaction: Mallory falls ill. Kathryn comforts her. Tells her they need to find another way out.

Horror Situation 14: Mallory won’t cooperate. She becomes a liability.

Reaction: Kathryn searches for another exit. She finds a way out.

Dilemma: Does Kathryn leave without Mallory when she has the chance.

STEP 4: Put Horror Situations/Reactions in the plot and label them.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established: Story opens at a birthday party where twelve-year-old girls are given a Ouija Board to play with a Ouija Board.

Connect with the characters: Introduce Kathryn and Mallory

Horror Situation 1: At the birthday party, the birthday girl’s mother presents the girls with a Ouija Board to play with. Kathryn is forbidden by her Catholic faith to play with it. She urges Mallory not to join in.

Reaction: Denial: Mallory doesn’t believe in that taboo and refuses to heed Kathryn’s warning.

Horror Situation 2: All the girls except Kathryn are lured into playing with the Ouija Board.

Reaction: Solve it: Kathryn tries to solve the problem by calling on St. Michael the Archangel to defend them from evil.

Horror Situation 3: Mallory takes her turn at the Ouija Board. Mallory asks the Ouija Board, “When will I die?” The Board answers, “Before your 13^th birthday.

Reaction: Mallory loses it.

Reaction: Kathryn tries to take care of Mallory by convincing what the Ouija Board is nonsense and by telling her they should leave. We’ll go together.

Introduce Max, the ghost of a long-dead boy.

Introduce old lady Setter, who leaves the house with a suitcase.

Horror Situation 4: On their way home, the girls get caught in a heavy downpour of rain.

Reaction: Solve the problem. The girls look for shelter. They come to Old Lady Setter’s house.

Horror Situation 5: Though they girls have been warned not to go anywhere near Old Lady Setter’s house, the girls are lured into danger by the friendly light on the old house’s backdoor.

Reaction: Denial: At first, the girls take shelter on the porch, but when the wind blows rain into them they rationalize that it will be okay to enter the house. They seek and find an unlatched window with its bars open. They crawl through the window.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Horror Situation 6: Once inside the house, the doors and barred windows lock, seemingly of their own accord. They are trapped. All escape routes seem cut off.

Reaction: Try to solve the problem: The girls look for lights to turn on.

Horror Situation 7: The lights won’t turn on.

Reaction: Try to solve the problem. The girls take out their cellphones.

Horror Situation 8: The girls try to phone for help on their cellphones, but they don’t work either.

Reaction: The girls split up and try to find candles and matches.

But then they realize that there is someone else in the house.

Horror Situation 9: Someone else in the house. Max appears in front of Mallory.

Reaction: Hysteria Loses it. Mallory calls for help.

Kathryn finds her in the dark. Max is wary of Kathryn. There is something about her he’s afraid of.

Horror Situation 11: Max tricks the girls into going down into the basement by telling them that the lights work down there.

Reaction: Try to solve the problem. The girls decide to trust Max. They go with him down into the basement and find that the lights are on.

Kathryn takes out her cellphone, but it’s still out of service.

MIDPOINT: The ghost introduces himself and tells them they will die unless they can find his bones buried in the basement.

Horror Situation 12: Max tells the girls that he and they are trapped inside the house because his bones are buried in the basement. He tells them that if they dig up his bones, they will all be able to leave the house.

Reaction: Mallory can’t breathe in the basement. She refuses to dig.

Kathryn finds a tool and starts digging.

Horror Situation 13: Kathryn finds human bones.

Reaction: Mallory freaks out. She faints.

Kathryn keeps digging under Max’s supervision, but when she has dug up all the bones and she and Max try an upstairs door, they are still locked in.

Max is confused. He believed he would be freed from his ghostly existence if he could find his bones. But then he realizes the bones are not his. Someone else is buried there.

Turns out that the bones aren’t Max’s, and there are more ghosts in the house than him.

Reaction: Mallory falls ill. Kathryn comforts her. Tells her they need to find another way out.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Kathryn starts a conversation with Max. She tries to find out what happened to him.

Max stops threatening the girls and tells them what he knows.

Mallory remembers what the Ouija Board said and is convinced she’s going to die. She loses it believing that she will die without her parents ever finding her.

She lies down and refuses to cooperate with anything Kathryn and Max want her to do.

Max goes into a rage.

Max tells the girls they’ll never get out, and there’s a terrible fate in store for them.

Horror Situation 14: Other ghosts of other children appear out of the woodwork. They are all raging, throwing things, threatening. Kathryn and Mallory huddle together terrified.

Midnight chimes on a clock upstairs. It’s Kathryn’s 13^th birthday.

The sound of locks opening reaches the girls in the basement.

Max tells the girls that Kathryn can leave because she’s reached her 13^th birthday.

Dilemma: Does Kathryn leave without Mallory when she has the chance.

Kathryn decides to stay with Mallory, who seems like she’s at death’s door.

Now, the real monster appears. He taunts Kathryn, chokes her, until Kathryn starts to pray.

Kathryn sits beside Mallory praying until the sun comes up in the morning.

There’s a sound of a key in the front door. Old Lady Setter enters.

As if by magic, everything in the house is put to right.

Mrs. Setter doesn’t seem surprised to find Kathryn and Mallory in the house. She gives Katheryn a box and tells her to give it to her mother.

The girls leave.

The ghosts of the boy and other children can be seen peering out the windows.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Horror Plot

What I learned doing this assignment is I can make headway with my plot by using the plot track even if I don’t yet have all the answers. Still not sure how my story will resolve.

Create your plot.

1. Knowing your concept, fill in one or two sentences for each of the plot points.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established: Story opens at a birthday party where twelve-year-old girls are playing with a ouija board and reading the answer to one girl’s question, “When will I die?”<div>
<div>

Connect with the characters: Kathryn and Mallory are best friends. Kathryn comforts Mallory when she learns from the Ouija board that she will die before her next birthday, which is the next day.

Introduce Max, the ghostly antagonist, friends Kathryn and Mallory, old lady Setter, who owns the rickety, old house the girls shelter in, even though they’ve been warned by others not to go near that house.

Once inside the house, Kathryn and Mallory can’t get out. They blame it on wood swelling around the doors,But then, they meet Max, who is clearly a malevolent ghost, who wants to hold them in the house against their will.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

The girls are isolated and trapped in the house by Max. No lights turn on. They are in the dark until they find a way to light a candle. </div>

Mallory becomes ill. She’s afraid she will die in that horrible house and that her parents will never know what happened to her. “It’s all my fault!”

<div>

MIDPOINT: The ghost introduces himself and tells them they will die unless they can find his bones buried in the basement.

Under his threats, the girls start digging in the basement. Mallory gets weaker and weaker.</div><div>
</div><div>

They find bones, but their discovery and the girls’ subsequent prayers over them doesn’t free Max.

Having failed to win his freedom, he loses his temper and rages around.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Mallory collapses. She’s struggling to stay alive. </div>

Max is confused. He believed he would be freed from his ghostly existence if he could find his bones. But then he realizes the bones are not his. Someone else is buried there.

Kathryn starts a conversation with Max. She tries to find out what happened to him.

Max stops threatening the girls and tells them what he knows. It feels like he’s going to befriend them, perhaps even unlock the doors of the house for them.

But then Mallory takes a turn for the worse. She gives up hope. Kathryn goes to comfort her.This causes the ghost to rage. He tells the girls they’ll never get out. He’s got a terrible fate in store for them.

Suddenly, other ghosts of other children come out of the woodwork. They are all raging, throwing things threatening.

Kathryn and Mallory huddle together terrified. But then a key turns in the lock of the front door. old lady Setter has returned early. All the doors unlock. Without old lady seeing her, Kathryn drags Mallory outside to safety and calls 911.

The ghosts of the boy and other children can be seen peering out the windows watching Kathryn and Mallory. When old lady Setter enters and turns on the lights, everything is put back to right. No one would know the girls were inside. But we know the ghosts of the boy and others are still there.

</div>

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Characters for Horror

What I learned doing this assignment is that the more I delve into the conventions of a horror movie, the more my idea fleshes out. This is so cool!

Concept: On a dark and stormy night, two twelve-year-old girls, riding home on their bikes from a friend’s birthday party, take shelter in a rickety old two-story house only to find that there may be no way out.

Group: Mine is a social group, consisting of two twelve-year-old girls who are best friends and an old woman known to the girls and suspected of being a witch.

Characters in my group:

Leader: Prompted by Max, the ghost of a teenage boy, Kathryn convinces her friend, to help her dig in the basement for his bones. According to Max, finding his bones and exposing that he was murdered will unlock the doors of the house. Hopefully, they can find Max’s bones.

Complainer: Kathryn’s friend, Mallory, just wants to cry and whine. She doesn’t want to cooperate.

Red Herring: Old lady Setter, who owns the house. Max says she murdered him, but did she?

Dying Pattern: Mine is this: No one dies, but the characters are brought to the very brink of death.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Terrifying Monster

What I learned doing this assignment is monsters live by a set of rules. I hadn’t considered this before.

AN EARLY VERSION OF MY MONSTER.

My monster is the ghost of a twelve-year-old boy named Max, who was murdered by his stepfather and buried in the basement.

My monster’s terror: Max will not let any pre-teen child leave the rickety old house after they’ve entered.

My monster’s mystery: Max tells the girls if they dig up his bones and expose his murder, they can be freed from the house, but it’s not true. The girls must find out what will really free him and themselves.

Their Fear Provoking Appearance: Max appears as the angry ghost of an abused twelve-year-old boy.

Their Rules: He can only be seen by pre-teen children. Once a child enters the house, he appears and can keep them from leaving, but only if the owner of the house is gone. He traps the children and forces them to look for his bones, which he believes will expose his murder.

Their Mythology: Don’t know yet.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Subject line: IN THE TALL GRASS Horror Conventions

What I learned doing this assignment is that horror movies really do follow prescribed conventions, and that if I want to write a successful horror script, I need to follow them.

A smart horror is one that is high concept, has a unique monster/villain, has a unique brand of terror, forces the characters on a journey of horror that does not depend on any mistakes they might make, and that is low budget.

I analyzed

Title: IN THE TALL GRASS. This film is based on a short story by Stephen King and Joe Hill.

Concept: “After hearing a boy’s cry for help, a pregnant woman and her brother wade into a vast field of grass, only to discover there may be no way out.”

Terrorize The Characters: The characters find themselves in a field of tall grass where there may be no way out.

Isolation: The characters become separated in the tall grass. They can hear one another’s voices, but they can’t see one another. Nor can they find one another without help from characters who have been there before them and touched the “rock”.

Death: All the characters die at one time or another, but most of them re-animate.

Monster/Evil: The monster/villain is the “ancient rock” in the center of the field, the tall grass, and those who have touched the rock.

High Tension: Life and death puzzles, morbid dilemmas, and impending doom.

Departure from Reality: The satanic rock and the field of tall grass which imprisons the characters are not things we find in ordinary life. People dying and returning to life also are not normal.

Moral Statement: Family is everything and redemption requires sacrifice.

My Story Conventions

Title: Not sure yet.

Concept: On a dark and stormy night, two young girls, riding their bikes home from a birthday party, take shelter in a rickety old two-story house. They have the run of the place when they first gain entrance, but then when the storm abates and the girls try to leave, they are blocked at every turn by a ghost, who calls them his playmates.

Terrorize The Characters: The girls find themselves in a house where there may be no way out.

Isolation: The old house is on the outskirts of town. No one goes there except by appointment to buy antiques. The girls become separated from one another in the house. They can’t find each other in the dark.

Death: The ghost is of a little boy who died at someone else’s hand.

Monster/Villain: The ghost.

High Tension: Life and death puzzles (one of the girls becomes ill and may die if she doesn’t receive medical help), impending doom (the threat of death is everywhere). Every antique for sale has its own diabolical past and curse.

Departure from Reality: Being trapped in an old house by a boy ghost is not normal. Neither are cursed antiques.

Moral Statement: For now, my moral statement is this: Be careful where you seek shelter.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi, Everyone,

I’m Madeleine Vessel.

I’ve written three scripts and am in the middle of writing a fourth.

Usually, I write thrillers, but because horror has so many similar characteristics, I’ve decided to try my hand at it.

You might like to know that I’ve been a movie buff since I was a kid, working as an extra on the movie, THE MISFITS, starring Clark Gable, Marilyn Monroe, and Montgomery Clift. This was the last movie any of them acted in before they died–eerie back then and eerie now.

I’m looking forward to working with you all!

[Madeleine Vessel]

I, Madeleine Vessel, agree to the terms of this release form.”

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Marketing Plan

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m ready to go out and market myself as a writer for hire, and I have a plant to get started. Thank you Hal.

1. Email request for writing assignments:

Hi _______,

I was checking out some of your work on IMDb and noticed you produce thrillers.

Because we work in similar genres, I thought you might want to take a look at SPY CATCHER, a movie I expect to cost between $5M and $15M to produce.

Below is the synopsis. Let me know what you think.

Who does Beijing’s Ministry of State Security (MSS) recruit to spy for China?

Good people like Sarah.

Sarah is talent-spotted by MSS not just because she is an East Asia scholar destined to craft American foreign policy, but also because she loves China.

Then Sarah witnesses the brutal killing of her mentor, Ling, by a Chinese assassin…

…and discovers Ling was an FBI asset working to expose a Beijing spy operation. When his murderer avoids capture, she assumes Ling’s mission.

After Sarah is in place and active, her FBI handler unexpectedly dies. Now, out in the cold, Sarah finds evidence that someone is tracking her every move. MSS? FBI?

Sarah narrowly misses being blown up in her car. Can she stay alive long enough to complete her mission?

If you like the concept of SPY CATCHER, I’d be happy to send you the script.

You might also like to know that I am open to writing assignments (screenplay rewrite, book adaptation, or write a screenplay based on your idea.

Let me know how I can help.

Best Regards,

Madeleine Vessel
575-644-7290

madeleinevessel@mac.com
https://www.linkedin.com/in/madeleinevessel/

2. Plan for Marketing Myself

The first three things I plan to do to market myself are these:

1. Perfect my 10-page sample.

2. Email my list of producers and notify them that I’m available for writing assignments.

3. Keep adding to my Linkedin producer list.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value

What I learned doing this assignment is I can increase my perceived value by taking certain calculated steps forward, beginning with increasing my credibility.

Also I learned that I need to be realistic about my real experience and accept remuneration appropriate to my current career position. In the beginning, writing for hire is more about getting experience, a credit on IMDb, and getting recommendations to other producers than making money. All of this is A-Okay with me!

1. My specialty is Thrillers with Female Leads. I have written three scripts in this genre and have a fourth in development.

2. I have about 1,000 producers in my LinkedIn Network.

3. My plan for increasing my value:

A. Today, I will increase my expertise in my specialty by improving my ten-page writing

sample and continuing with my fourth script.

B. In the next 30 days,

a. I will add to my Linkedin Producer list.

b. I will add to my Producer email list.

c. I will query producers who might need a writer for hire.

C. In the next 6 months, I will

a. Increase my experience in my specialty.

b. Create an outstanding writing sample that demonstrates my specialty.

c. Increase my credibility by going out for recommendations from producers.

d. Increase my credibility with contest achievements.

e. Keep developing thriller screenplays.

f. Build a more targeted list of producers into my network.

g. Query producers for work.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel is a Note Taking Professional!

What I learned is this: At the logline and treatment stage of the story, it’s pretty easy to make changes that will reduce the budget, attract a different audience, and even change the genre. Amazing!

LOGLINE:

When an archaeologist finds her entrepreneurial Uncle Jack shot through the head in her horse corral and his murder case quickly goes cold, she forms an uneasy alliance with an estranged childhood friend to unravel the mystery behind the killing.

Here’s how I’d honor the following requests:

· Cut the budget in half: Right now, my budget is $5 -$10 million. To cut the budget in half, I would make the following changes:

o Shorten the story to 90 pages by eliminating the Chinese artifact thread.

o Have the heroine unravel the mystery surrounding her uncle’s killing all by herself, thereby eliminating the collaboration with her childhood friend.

o Eliminate the house fire scene.

o Change rain scenes to dry scenes.

· Write it for a different audience (quadrant). Right now the target audience is women over 25. I could easily change it to men over 25 by making the lead character a man and the estranged childhood friend a woman.

· Double the conflict: Right now, my heroine is a loner, but she does have a few allies. To double the conflict, I could put my heroine at odds with every other character in the story, even the Sheriff Sergeant, who is investigating her uncle’s murder.

· Changing the lead character to a middle-aged man and the estranged childhood friend would be easy to do.

· Right now, the genre is THRILLER, but with more emphasis on the romantic relationship between the heroine and her estranged childhood friend, I could shift the genre to a DRAMA.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Decreased Budget

What I learned doing this assignment is I can reduce the budget for my screenplay by eliminating certain expensive variables. I have at least five things I can change or eliminate in my screenplay that will significantly reduce the budget.

In the beginning of this class, I asked you to bring in your highest budget script. Now, let’s pretend that the producer asks you to reduce the budget by 25%.

Five Ways I Can Reduce the Budget for SPY CATCHER

1. Replace the child, who appears in one of my scenes, with an elderly person.

2. Eliminate the dog and squawking parakeet that appear in one of the scenes.

3. Eliminate the rain in one of the scenes.

4. Eliminate the scene where my heroine is in the car driving at night.

5. Eliminate my heroine’s car explosion.

High Budget Scene I’m Letting Go Of:

The high budget item I’m letting go of is the car explosion.

The dramatic goal I was trying to accomplish with this scene is escalating danger to my heroine.

One way I can accomplish this goal without expense is to have my heroine run off the road into a ditch without the car blowing up.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Rewrite of Amy Falkofske’s Treatment

My experience as the producer versus the writer and what it was like to rewrite the treatment:

Again it was easier for me to be the writer than the producer. The more I quizzed Amy about her story, the more it fleshed out. The question set Hal gave us was extremely useful. Wow!

During the rewrite, I had to be careful not to hijack Amy’s story. I had to constantly rein in my imagination and consciously remind myself that this isn’t my idea. It’s Amy’s.

What I learned doing this assignment is if you ask the right questions of the producer, you will be able to pull the story out of them and bring it to life.

Thanks Hal for the right questions. I intend to use them on my own ideas in future.

My Rewrite of Amy’s Treatment

TITLE: In Pursuit of Life

GENRE: Faith-based drama

LOGLINE: A woman in charge of organizing the local symphony’s fundraiser, dreams that an expectant mother is going to abandon her babies. With the help of a homeless guy and one of the symphony’s French horn players, she sets out in search of the babies after the mom disappears.

TREATMENT:

CHRISTIE, the marketing director of the Riverside Symphony Orchestra, is in charge of planning a fundraiser for a local homeless shelter. One of the homeless men living there is BEN. Christie knows there’s something special about him, and she’s right. Ben is an ANGEL in disguise. Christie has a boyfriend, BLAZE, who works at a bank. Though they both work in business, they are not a good match. The only thing Christie and Blaze have in common is that neither of them wants children. In their day-to-day life, Blaze finds every opportunity to make Christie feel small and worthless. Unbeknownst to Christie, Blaze is the DEVIL in disguise and only wants to see and do evil. Christie had a miscarriage earlier in her life which left her feeling guilty and angry at GOD. She refuses to become pregnant again. Blaze encourages this.

One night, Christie has a dream about a mother who abandons her twin babies.

Big name guest conductor, ANGELA, comes to rehearse with the orchestra. Puffy faced and eight months pregnant, she’s very different from her publicity photos. Immediately, Christie realizes that Angela’s the mother in her dream and panics. One of the French horn players, JACOB, a religious man and a relative stranger to Christie, notices her distress. Kindly, he asks her if she’s okay. She’s not okay, but because he is willing to listen, she confides in him about her disturbing dream. Jacob suggests the dream might be a message from God. Christie recoils at the notion. She and God are not on good terms. Still, she wants to know more about Angela and attempts to befriend her. All her efforts fail because Angela is intent on keeping everyone in the orchestra at arms’ length. At the homeless shelter where she volunteers, Christie talks to Ben about her dream and about her certainty that Angela is the mother about to abandon her babies. Ben encourages Christie to trust her instincts and gives her tips on how to be a friend to Angela.

Ben tells Christie that the dream is a message from God.

Christie and Jacob decide to look into Angela’s past. Angela has been written about and photographed countless times, so that’s the first place they search for clues. Blaze notices that Christie is preoccupied with something and coaxes out of her what is going on. He tries to convince her that the dream means nothing and that what Angela does with her babies is none of her business. Blaze tells her it would be crazy to give Angela another thought. After that, Blaze goes out of his way to accompany Christie to orchestra rehearsals. He deliberately interrupts any attempt Christie makes to talk to Angela. Clearly, Blaze doesn’t want them getting close. Christie announces that the symphony fundraiser tickets have sold out. Jacob is happy, not only because he wants the homeless shelter to benefit, but also because he likes seeing Christie happy. Christie and Jacob grow closer. They start to discuss spiritual things without really talking about God. Christie and Jacob realize they are attracted to one another and almost kiss, but they get interrupted. One night, Angela fails to show up for a scheduled rehearsal. The regular conductor is forced to take over. Everyone is worried to death.

Angela goes missing just as the babies are due.

Volunteering at the homeless shelter, Christie tells Ben about Angela’s sudden disappearance. Strangely, he seems to already know about it. Urgently, he tells Christie to find the babies and save them. Christie and Jacob immediately start looking for Angela and the babies. They check her hotel. They contact local hospitals. They try every place they can think of, and then, Blaze offers to help, sending Christie and Jacob down numerous dead-end roads. Eventually, they begin to suspect that Blaze is not on their side. One night while Christie and Jacob are following leads, Ben appears out of nowhere in the car with them. He tells them they are on the wrong path and gives them clues to where they might find Angela. Christie and Jacob ask Ben if he knows where the babies are. He does, but he can’t tell them. Ben disappears. Then out of nowhere, Ben suddenly reappears and tells them the babies are safe. Christie senses something is off about Ben. He’s not himself. Before she can ask him what’s going on, he disappears. Jacob agrees that something is off about Ben and that they shouldn’t trust what he said. Then they hear the bad news.

Angela is found dead and no longer pregnant.

Other news reports that two abandoned babies have been found and left at an area hospital. Christie and Jacob set off for the hospital, but Blaze jumps in his car and chases after them, trying to run them off the road. Suddenly Ben appears in the car with Christie and Jacob. He tells them how to head off Blaze who is headed for the hospital and the babies. Christie, Jacob, and Ben run into the hospital and find Blaze already there. To Christie and Jacob’s surprise, Ben and Blaze don’t appear to be strangers. Ben is suddenly all cleaned up and glowing. Blaze is suddenly fiery-eyed and dressed all in black. As they confront one another, it’s clear that neither of them are of this world. After Christie and Jacob get over their shock, they tell the attendant at the desk that they want to see the abandoned babies. The attendant tells them they can’t see them unless they are going to claim them.

Christie wants to save the babies, but she isn’t sure she wants to claim them.

Christie searches within herself to find out if she really wants the babies. Blaze reminds her that she never wanted kids and warns her that claiming the babies will derail her life. Ben tells her that if she doesn’t claim the babies, they’ll go to foster care. Jacob chimes in and says he believes that God wants Christie to have the babies. He vows to help her because he’s fallen in love with her, and he wants to have a life with her. Christie is touched by Jacob’s declaration of love but scoffs at the idea that God wants her to have the babies. Ben points out all the times in her life when things just seemed to work out, and she was saved from some disaster or another. He also reminds her of the interactions she’s had with children over the years and how those interactions show that she is destined to be a mom. He explains that if she had had the baby she miscarried, something would have gone terribly wrong and both she and the baby would have died. Christie finally sees that God has been there all along even though she went through hard things as a child, and she stopped acknowledging him at all when she lost her baby.

Christie claims the babies.

Christie and Jacob rush up to the pediatric floor, but Blaze is there ahead of them, trying to claim the babies. Christie and Jacob try to warn the nurse about Blaze, but she doesn’t believe them. Just as the nurse is about to let Blaze see the babies, Ben appears and demands that Blaze stop. Blaze laughs an evil laugh and tells Ben he’s been beaten. Ben tells Blaze that good always wins in the end and reminds him that it’s his destiny to be thrown in the lake of fire. Blaze cries nooooooo .

Blaze dissolves into a puff of black smoke.

The symphony concert goes off without a hitch. Jacob plays the French horn, and Christies stands in the wings with both babies in her arms. Later, Christie and Jacob watch the news and learn that Angela was killed by the father of her babies and that the father confessed that he killed her because she wanted to keep the babies, and he didn’t. After killing Angela, he left the babies in an alley to die.

One year later, Christie and Jacob are married and celebrating the babies’ turning 1 year-old.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Fantastic Treatment

What I learned doing this assignment is that writing a treatment really helps flesh out the story. I’m closer to turning my concept into a screenplay.

Structure: Mini-Movie Method (eight sequences)

TITLE: VALLEY OF DRY BONES

WRITTEN BY: Madeleine Vessel

GENRE: Thriller

LOGLINE:

Logline: When an archaeologist finds her entrepreneurial Uncle Jack shot through the head in her horse corral and his murder case quickly goes cold, she forms an uneasy alliance with an estranged childhood friend to unravel the mystery behind the killing.

TREATMENT:

In a university museum cataloguing room, reclusive archaeology professor DR. ANNA MAUDE STONE puts the finishing touches on a sculpture of a young man’s face. A local woman, CAMILLA CROSS, accompanied by Doña Ana County Sheriff Sergeant MIKE WILLIAMS, identifies the face as that of Eloy Muñoz, a high school friend who disappeared 40 years before while hiking in the Organ Mountains. Anna Maude suspects he was killed and recommends Mike open a murder case.

While at the university, Anna Maude receives a phone call from a neighbor, notifying her that her big bay stallion has jumped the fence. Rushing home to Cottonwood Farm, Anna Maude finds her horses loose and her entrepreneurial UNCLE JACK shot through the head in a corral . Mike, a couple of deputies, and crime scene technician SAMMY BEACH start an investigation. They find bullet entrance and exit wounds in Jack’s skull. Anna Maude searches and finds the bullet embedded in a forklift tire. Later, in nearby woods, they find the place where a sniper stood to take the fatal shots.

Mike follows a lead found in Jack’s text messages to and from PETE CALENDARIA, a neighboring chile farmer, who was in a feud with Jack over Jack’s chicken-killing dog. He interviews Pete and take his hunting rifle for a ballistics test. Anna Maude talks on the phone with a Chinese antique dealer wanting to examine Chinese artifacts Jack needed appraised. Anna Maude acknowledges that Jack was selling art objects online, but she’s unaware of Chinese artifacts. She promises to conduct a search.

Tony Oxley returns to the valley after 15 years to handle his deceased father’s affairs, including disposing of a neglected farm adjacent to Anna Maude’s Cottonwood Farm, and to evaluate new evidence related to the tragic disappearance of his little sister, Sally, when she was thirteen years old. While walking on the farm, Tony picks up the oxidized fragment of an old Spanish spur, recalling the fact that the farm is on the El Camino Real de Tierra Adentro, an old Spanish trade route extending from Mexico City to San Juan Pueblo in New Mexico. Moments later, a human skull protrudes from the ground in front of him.

Mike and Sammy respond to Tony’s 911 call. When Sammy determines the skull and accompanying bones are OLD, she wants Anna Maude to take a look. Anna Maude determines the VERY OLD bones belonged to a woman. Out of kindness, she tells Tony, an estranged childhood friend, that the bones can’t be Sally’s. The bone site on Tony’s property quickly becomes Anna Maude’s archaeological dig. When preliminary tests indicate the bones date back to Onate’s expedition in the late 1500s, about the time Jack’s Chinese artifacts originated, Anna Maude has a clue to why Jack was killed. If authentic, the artifacts are worth millions.

During a late afternoon rainstorm, Anna Maude witnesses a pickup truck intentionally bump a cyclist off the road. Flying into the air, the cyclist plummets into a flooding irrigation ditch. Anna Maude stops, pulls the cyclist out of the rising water, and performs CPR. When he comes to, she helps him to his feet and removes his helmet. He’s Tony. Nervously, she takes him home, treats his worst scrapes and abrasions, and stays with him while he sleeps. A few nights later, someone torches Anna Maude’s house. She narrowly escapes out her bedroom window in just a nightgown and bare feet. When, having seen the flames from his dining room window, Tony arrives on the scene, he and Anna Maude analyze the situation and conclude the hit-and-run and the fire are connected. They agree to join forces to find the culprit.

Tony shows Anna Maude his new evidence, an impressionistic painting of a cowboy who was seen the night Sally went missing. As soon as she sees it, Anna Maude knows the cowboy is Camilla’s husband, OWEN CROSS. One of the other paintings in Tony’s collection is Sally’s unfinished still life of yellow roses. Anna Maude cautiously suggests the yellow rose bush that mysteriously appeared on the abandoned Oxley Farm a year after Sally’s disappearance is covering up her body. They dig up the rose bush and find bones and a backpack.

At Sally’s crime scene, Anna Maude identifies a brass ball in the dirt as being very like those that usually adorn Owen Cross’s work gloves. Her observation prompts Owen’s son, KENNETH, to confess to being an accessory to Sally’s murder. Bravely, he names Owen the killer. Mike, who has been investigating Eloy Muñoz’s 40 year-old murder case suspects Owen of that murder, too. Later, Carmen comes forward with Owen’s hunting rifle. A ballistics test proves Owen’s rifle fired the bullet that killed Jack…

Case closed… But then, just as the dust is settling, Anna Maude finds Jack’s Chinese artifacts in the bottom of an oat barrel. Now, Anna Maude and Tony must figure out to whom the extremely valuable artifacts rightly belong—but that’s another story.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Producer Interview

What I learned doing this assignment is that it is hard to articulate an idea that is not fully formed. I also now realize how important it is to ask the right questions of a producer to get to the core of what their story is about and what they want to say with it.

For me, it was all about problem-solving.

I enjoyed the producer interview process very much. Amy Falkofske was great!

Being the Producer vs. the Writer

For me, it was easier being the writer than being the producer. Asking questions and taking notes on Amy’s story idea was more comfortable than answering questions about my own concept.

Still, while I was struggling to answer Amy’s questions, I was surprised to see new aspects of my story idea fleshing out. For example, Amy asked me, “What caused your heroine to partner up with her estranged childhood friend?” I had to think about that. I don’t think Amy was very satisfied with my answer. In fact, I’m not sure I have a clear answer even now, but it’s a problem I definitely need to solve for the story to go forward.

Progress is happening! Yay!!

[Madeleine Vessel]

I’ve posted my new project synopsis in Day 7.

It’s a thriller.

I’m ready to practice interviewing. If you’re interested, let me know.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Synopsis for Producer Interview

Title: VALLEY OF DRY BONES

Genre: Thriller

Logline: When a New Mexico archaeologist finds her entrepreneurial Uncle Jack shot through the head in her horse corral and his murder case quickly goes cold, she forms an uneasy alliance with an estranged childhood friend to unravel the mystery behind the killing.

Synopsis:

Dr. Anna Maude Stone, a professor of historical archaeology at a New Mexico university, lives on a horse farm with her entrepreneurial Uncle Jack.

When Jack is shot through the head by an unidentified sniper and his murder goes unsolved, Anna Maude turns investigator.

Using her specialized skill set in archaeology and facial reconstruction, she finds unexpected links between Jack’s murder, 400-year-old skeletal remains, and the unexplained disappearance of a teenage girl fifteen years earlier.

Now, in the sniper’s crosshairs, Anna Maude forms an uneasy alliance with an estranged childhood friend to fit the clues together into a portrait of a killer.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi everyone,

I’m ready to do practice interviews.

If you’re interested in partnering up with me, email me at <madeleinevessel@mac.com>

Looking forward to the challenge.

All the best,

Madeleine

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi Dana,

Here’s my feedback:

SETUP

I liked the thrilling, adrenaline packed setup with high life and death stakes.

It’s full of mystery: I wanted to know:

1. Who is Marcellus?

2. Who is the dead kid?

3. Who are the three men in the Ford sedan?

4. Who is Andrea Jimenez?

The setup is suspenseful: I definitely was worried that Andrea would not survive. Scary!

And there is intrigue. Marcellus obviously is a dangerous man.

But it also was a bit confusing.

For example: I didn’t at first realize how Booker fit into the story. One thing that might help would be to introduce him as one of the three men in the Ford sedan. Then his dialogue would make more sense.

For example: I was surprised that Andrea was able to take down Marcellus so easily by herself, even high on adrenaline. He’s such a big guy, “big, mean, ruthless “ and armed. One thing that might help would be to add one of her fighting attributes to her introduction. Is she a big woman? Is she a martial arts belt-holder?

One small writing suggestion: The word “stalk” refers to a part of a plant, a flower stalk. Given the context, I’m sure you meant something else.

One more thing that might help: There’s nothing in the car that suggests drug trafficking. I wonder if there’s something you could include to show that this is a drug bust. Maybe the dead kid has a stash falling out somewhere. Just a suggestion. Ignore at will.

THE REST OF THE 10 PAGES

Following the setup, the torture scene in the dungeon is terrifying. The villain shown in the role of a sadistic surgeon is compelling. He definitely is dangerous and unrelenting, creepy, too. Lots of intrigue.

There’s also suspense. I worried that the villain was going to kill Victor. And later, I discovered I was right.

And the mystery: Who is Victor Jamison? Why is the villain torturing him?

The sudden switch from all this violence to a morning scene with John Pope, a father and police officer, with his son gives the reader a chance to breathe and realize that there are some normal people in the story. Already, I like these two.

I like the way you portrayed the father and son relationship, especially liked the military haircut.

The tense husband/wife relationship is nicely spelled out, too.

The meeting between John and Andrea is realistically strained. He doesn’t want to spend the time to train a newbie–perfectly understandable. And he thinks all narcs are on the take. I like her comeback, “…and I’ll let you ride in my Ferrari.” Clever.

We can already see that the two will be sparring over the course of the story.

I also like the way you explained why John needs a new partner. The former is retiring.

One question: Why was Andrea transferred from narcotics to homicide? Did she get in trouble for using brass knuckles in the setup? Is she being rewarded in some way? You might want to give us a hint about why she’s been transferred.

As you have portrayed her, Andrea is a police officer with some time in, but she isn’t a seasoned homicide cop. This promotes the notion that as our hero, she is “unknowing, unwitting, but resourceful.” Good job.

Back to Victor Jamison and what seems to be the Big Mystery of the thriller, who killed him and why?

FINAL COMMENTS:

A. The setup made me want to move into the next 10 pages and see what was going to happen.

B. The first ten pages definitely deliver on the genre.

· Adrenaline-packed action, high stakes, and suspense.

· Physical life and death situations abound. In the beginning, Andrea was in danger, and there is a promise of future danger for her as the story unfolds.

· The villain smacks of a psychopath. Poor Andrea. Reminds me of Hannibal Lector.

C. The writing is compelling, with the exceptions of a couple of confusions and a bit of wordsmithing.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to review your work.

All the best,

Madeleine

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi Dana,

Yes, let’s work together. I’ll take a look at your posting this afternoon and get back to you as soon as possible with my observations, reactions, etc.

All the best,

Madeleine

[Madeleine Vessel]

I’m available and ready to exchange feedback.

My preferred genres are thrillers and action.

Looking forward to working with you.

All the best,

Madeleine

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Thriller Writing Sample Plan

What I learned doing this assignment is that my first ten pages are the best I have that deliver on the thriller conventions.

Also, I learned that I can use just ten pages as a writing sample and stack the deck if need be to elevate the sample. Pretty neat!

The following is the opening of my thriller, SPY CATCHER.

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO’S LOUISE M. DAVIES SYMPHONY HALL – NIGHT

On a sparkling February night, patrons in evening dress under long, warm coats queue for the Chinese New Year Concert.

Among them, an attractive couple, SARAH HOPKINS, late 20s, fresh-faced, and WANG LING, Chinese, mid 30s, built for action, chat and laugh.

They like each other.

In front of them, a CHINESE MAN, early 30s, suddenly spins around and sheds his coat, revealing motorcycle leathers over a lean, hard body.

He brings up a dagger…

…thrusts it deep into Ling’s abdomen…

…twists it for maximum damage.

Leaving Ling impaled, the assassin bolts for the street.

Ling staggers backward. He falls on his back.

Sarah drops to her knees beside him.

Blood gushes out around the dagger’s hilt.

NOTE: DIALOGUE IN ITALICS IS MANDARIN WITH ENGLISH SUBTITLES.

LING

I jumped on a tiger’s back and couldn’t get off.

His eyes close. His head falls to one side.

SARAH

Ling, no.

Sarah pulls off her neck scarf, packs it around the dagger, desperately tries to staunch the flow of blood.

She SHOUTS at the crowd.

SARAH

Call nine-one-one. Please, someone… ANYONE!

Nearby, a CHINESE WOMAN, mid 50s, pulls out a mobile phone and punches in the number for emergency services.

CHINESE WOMAN

Ambulance… A man has been stabbed… Davies Symphony Hall.

VAROOM, VAROOM. A motorcycle starts up nearby…

…REVS past…

…white-lines…

…speeds away.

Sarah pleads with the crowd.

SARAH

Move back. Please.

As gawkers step back, a half-smoked cigarette drops into Ling’s pooling blood and sizzles out.

Looking up in horror, Sarah glimpses a man in an overcoat arrogantly walking away.

He disappears into the night.

INT. SAN FRANCISCO COUNTY HOSPITAL – EMERGENCY ROOM – NIGHT

A medical team fights to save Wang Ling’s life.

Standing back, in blood-spattered evening clothes, Sarah struggles to make sense of what’s happening.

Suddenly, Ling’s heart monitor flatlines.

The LEAD PHYSICIAN moves quickly.

He starts cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR).

LEAD PHYSICIAN

(sharply)

Vasopressin.

An ATTENDING PHYSICIAN injects vasopressin into Ling’s arm.

No detectable wave motion shows on the heart monitor.

The lead physician persists with CPR.

Finally –

ATTENDING PHYSICIAN

Doctor… Enough.

Reluctantly, the lead physician terminates CPR.

Defeated, he turns to Sarah.

LEAD PHYSICIAN

I’m so sorry.

Sarah sinks to the floor.

SARAH

No… No.

A tall, pencil-thin MAN, mid 50s, dressed in a business suit, appears beside Sarah.

Gently, he raises her to her feet and wraps her in his arms.

She sobs into his chest.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET – NIGHT (LATER)

A gray sedan parks in front of an old apartment building.

Sarah, in bloodstained evening clothes, gets out.

To the driver –

SARAH

Thank you, no. I can manage.

INT. SARAH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

The front door opens with a key. Sarah enters.

Flipping on the vestibule light, closing and locking the door behind her, Sarah sinks to her knees and sobs.

INT. SARAH’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – NIGHT

WHITE NOISE sounds from an iPad on the nightstand.

In bed, rosary beads clasped in her hands, Sarah sleeps.

She starts to dream.

The WHITE NOISE transforms into SAN FRANCISCO STREET NOISE.

EXT. LOUISE M. DAVIES SYMPHONY HALL – NIGHT (DREAM)

Sarah and Ling wait in a queue.

In front of them, a GHOUL-LIKE Chinese man spins around.

He sheds his coat…

…brings up a dagger and…

…brutally thrusts it into Ling’s abdomen.

Blood SPURTS OUT LIKE A FIRE HYDRANT.

A ROAR OF SIRENS close in.

INT. SARAH’S APARTMENT – BEDROOM – NIGHT

SIRENS approach Sarah’s apartment.

She jolts awake, checks the time. It’s 3:00 A.M.

Putting aside her rosary beads, she climbs out of bed and moves to the corner window in the living room.

BLOWING A HORN, BLARING A SIREN, A fire truck barrels by.

She makes the Sign of the Cross.

SARAH

Lord, have mercy.

She moves into the dining room to the table, piled with her laptop, books, and academic correspondence.

She picks up an envelope from HARVARD and removes a letter.

INSERT – LETTER, the first lines of which read,

“Dear Dr. Hopkins:

This letter is to inform you that you have been selected as a tenure-track professor in the Department of East Asian Languages and Civilizations.”

Dropping the letter on the desk, she seizes on a photograph of Ling, sitting behind his faculty desk, smiling broadly.

She breaks down.

EXT. COLUMBARIUM/CEMETERY – DAY (TWO WEEKS LATER)

In front of a niche, Sarah runs her fingers over an inscription on a brass plate, which reads,

“At Rest

Wang Ling 1984-2020”

The tall, thin man, who comforted her in the hospital emergency room, approaches her from behind.

MAN

Dr. Sarah Hopkins?

Fingering the crucifix at her neck, Sarah turns to him.

SARAH

Yes. Oh… I didn’t know it was you I was meeting.

He shows her credentials and a badge.

MAN

F-B-I Special Agent John Cunningham… Shall we walk?

EXT. CEMETERY – DAY

Sarah and John stroll among tombstones and monuments.

From the inside pocket of his suit jacket, John removes a photograph and hands it to Sarah.

He chews a couple of Tums tablets from a roll.

She studies the photograph.

SARAH

The man I told you about. The man with the knife.

JOHN

Ricky Zhang. M-S-S. He was on a plane to Hong Kong two hours after Ling’s murder. After that, Beijing.

SARAH

M-S-S? You mean China’s Ministry of State Security?

JOHN

That’s correct.

SARAH

They wouldn’t dare. Ling was an American citizen. A respected university professor.

JOHN

Ling was an F-B-I asset.

SARAH

What?

She’s genuinely shocked.

SARAH

We were friends, close friends. How did I not know?

JOHN

Ling was a covert operative. Good at keeping secrets.

SARAH

Then how did M-S-S find out?

JOHN

That’s the million-dollar question.

SARAH

What about the second man? The man with the cigarette?

JOHN

We’re still looking.

They come to a headstone with a capsized vase of flowers.

Sarah stops and kneels. Turning the vase upright, she rearranges the flowers.

John shoots her a quizzical look.

SARAH

What? I like things to be right.

But he’s not referring to her tidying.

Following the direction of his gaze, she finds the deep divot on her right ankle.

SARAH

Oh, this. Soccer cleat got me. One of the hazards of playing high school sports.

JOHN

Huh… I didn’t know.

SARAH

Why would you?

She stands.

They continue their stroll.

Sarah takes a folder out of her bag. She hands it to John.

John opens the folder and skims the first item, a letter from White Sands University (WSU) in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

SARAH

Why would a man of Ling’s academic stature spend his sabbatical year as a visiting professor at White Sands University in New Mexico?

John opens his mouth to speak, but…

…Sarah takes back the folder.

She extracts a glossy Chinese-language magazine and translates the title.

SARAH

Science & Engineering Today.

She flips through the magazine, stops at an article, and holds it out to John.

Spotting Ling’s Mandarin annotations in the margins of the article, he pushes the magazine away.

JOHN

Give me the gist.

SARAH

“Advanced New Rocket Propulsion Systems” by Zhou Geming. He’s a scientist at Reed Copeland Corporation, also in New Mexico –

JOHN

This is Ling on task.

SARAH

Okay. Sure. But what about this?

Putting away the folder, Sarah takes out an envelope and hands it to John.

SARAH

This came to me in the mail a few days after Ling was killed.

John takes out a letter and skims its contents.

SARAH

White Sands University is offering me Ling’s visiting professorship… How did they already know Ling wasn’t coming? … Why me?

John ponders.

He refolds the letter, tucks it back into the envelope, and returns it to Sarah.

JOHN

You’ve been talent-spotted.

SARAH

What?

JOHN

Your area of expertise, your meritorious scholarship, your idealistic solicitude for East Asia, especially China… One plus one equals two.

SARAH

I’m sorry, but you’ve lost me.

JOHN

M-S-S anticipates a time when you’ll be crafting America’s foreign policy for China and the Far East.

SARAH

I’m not a politician. I’m an academic. On my way to Harvard.

JOHN

You’re a future interest. One of a thousand grains of sand.

She fingers her crucifix.

SARAH

You’re trying to frighten me.

JOHN

Who else knew about you and Ling?

SARAH

In the beginning, he was my mentor. Later, he was head of my dissertation committee. Then, we coauthored several articles. We liked each other… Everyone knew.

JOHN

You were that close to Ling, but they didn’t kill you. Why is that do you think?

SARAH

How should I know?

JOHN

They didn’t kill you because you’re an innocent. They know you aren’t a spy. So do we.

SARAH

What? How? … You’ve had me under surveillance. Wait…

She looks down at the scar on her ankle.

SARAH

You’ve done my background. You have, haven’t you? … What gives you people the right?

JOHN

Love is a dangerous thing. M-S-S had to protect their asset. So did I. Now, the contest is over who acquires you… You’re more valuable than Ling ever was.

SARAH

A game of tug of war. What if I don’t want to play? … Did you say, love?

JOHN

The minute Ling first laid eyes on you, he was besotted. It was scary.

SARAH

Ling loved me. All these years and he never said.

JOHN

How could he?

Sarah bursts into tears.

SARAH

Damn him… Damn M-S-S… Damn you.

JOHN

(kindly)

None of us can turn back the clock, change what happened, but we, you and I together, can make a difference moving forward.

SARAH

(exhausted)

What could I possibly do?

John holds out a business card.

JOHN

Take the job at White Sands University. Work for me as an F-B-I operational asset. This time, with the China desk out of the loop.

SARAH

You want me to bait the tiger.

JOHN

You’re the only one who can… You lure him off the mountain, and I’ll snare him.

He pushes the card toward her.

SARAH

I can’t. I really can’t. If Ling was here, maybe. But by myself –

JOHN

You like things to be right. You want justice for Ling. Finish what he started.

She stiffens her resistance.

He sighs, starts to pocket the card.

SARAH

Wait.

Tentatively, she takes the card.

SARAH

How would it work? I mean, if I agree to do it.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Key Business Decisions

What I learned doing this assignment is I can make my thriller more marketable by reconsidering the following budget decisions:

• Genre

• Title

• Concept

• Audience

• Budget

• Lead Characters

• Opening/Ending

DECISIONS THAT ARE IN MY CURRENT HIGH BUDGET SCRIPT

GENRE: Thriller

TITLE – SPY CATCHER

CONCEPT: After an East Asia history scholar witnesses her mentor’s brutal killing by a Chinese assassin, she risks her career and her life to help the FBI take down a Beijing espionage ring.

AUDIENCE: Women over 25.

BUDGET: $5M to $15M

LEAD CHARACTERS:

PROTAGONIST: Dr. Sarah Hopkins –

Her Journey/ Character Arc: Sarah is an academic who becomes a spy catcher for the FBI.

She goes from being a fearful academic, dependent upon her mentor, to a woman who thinks and acts on her own.

Wesley Morgan – Sarah’s ally.

Journey/Character Arc: Wesley is An FBI Special Agent, who for most of the story finds it hard to believe that Sarah is not a Chinese spy. Nevertheless, he helps her. He challenges her. He sticks by her side until he’s convinced she’s a loyal American and a friend he can trust.

Tom Hawkes alias Joseph Talbot – One of Sarah’s opponents

Journey/Character Arc: Tom is an undercover FBI Agent who goes from suspecting Sarah leaked Wang Ling’s FBI affiliation to the Chinese and causing his death to trusting that Sarah is a loyal American.

OPENING: The story opens in San Francisco in front of the Davies Symphony Hall where Sarah and Wang Ling queue for a Chinese New Year symphony. While they are in line, someone in the crowd, a Chinese man dressed in motorcycle leathers, fatally stabs Wang Ling in the abdomen.

ENDING: At the end of the story, Sarah is in Las Cruces, New Mexico, moving into an apartment, where she will live for at least the next year while she finishes up her visiting professorship at WSU. Her companion now is Wes, an FBI Agent stationed at the Las Cruces Resident Agency.

IMPROVEMENTS I CAN MAKE TO SPY CATCHER TO MAKE IT MORE MARKETABLE:

• Change the audience from women over 25 to “anyone who likes a good spy story”.

• Limit the locations to New Mexico.

• Combine Tom and Wes into one character

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Specialty – Thriller

What I learned doing this assignment is the thriller genre really does have conventions. It thrills with “high stakes, plot twists, and suspense that never lets up until the adrenalin packed climax.” I also learned from the two thrillers I outlined that thrillers are very complex stories. Not just A and B stories, but also C and D stories as well.

Thriller movies I watched:

1. Three Days of the Condor

2. Absolute Power

Both movies deliver on the thriller conventions: High stakes, plot twists, and suspense up until the adrenalin packed climax. They feature heroes who are unknowing, unwitting, but smart and resourceful. They feature villains who are “dangerous, devious, and unrelenting.”

THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR outline, highlighting the parts that fulfill the genre:

I. Opening: Inside view of a New York office said to be the American Literary Historical Society (ALHS).

A. Mystery: Who are the people working in the office. Later, we will find out they are CIA analysts, who read books for a living.

B. Introduces Joseph Turner, dressed for the cold and riding on a mini-powered SOLEX. It bothers him that he can’t tell people what he does for a living. He actually trusts a few people. He’s handy (works on the Xerox machine). He’s a non-conformist who’s smart as hell.

C. Mystery: Who is the man sitting in a vehicle across the street from the American Literary Historical Society? Later, we’ll find out he’s a hitman.

D. Introduces hitmen Joubert and a mailman converging on ALHS.

E. Life Threatening Sequence – Mailman and Joubert shoot the inhabitants of ALHS. Turner gets away because the hitman’s spotter didn’t know he wasn’t in the building.

F. Mystery – Who are these assassins? Why are they killing book readers?

G. The villain’s plan: Kill everyone in ALHS.

II. Inciting Incident – Starts about 20 minutes in.

A. Turner happens onto the killing scene. It’s horrible. He panics and goes to a telephone booth, taking a gun from an ALHS office desk drawer. Now, he trusts nobody. He calls the CIA, gives them his designation, Condor, and tells them that the section’s been hit. He’s told to find a secure location, perhaps with an old school chum he hasn’t seen in ages then call the Major in two hours. Turner’s totally bewildered and scared.

B. Introduces Higgins. Notified of the hit, he’s curious about Turner who escaped the ambush. Decides to bring him in. In the meanwhile, he sends people to clean up the dead bodies at ALHS.

III. Turning point 1 – Life Threatening Sequence – Turner wanders around until he finally contacts a friend and finds him DEAD. Now, he’s on the run. This happens 30 minutes in.

A. Wicks hears the news that Higgins is bringing Turner in and takes a helicopter to New York City.

B. Life Threatening – Turner goes back to his apartment, but before he goes in, a neighbor tells him two friends are waiting for him.

C. Mystery – Who are the two men?

D. Turner finds a phone booth and call the Major. The Major arranges to bring in Turner in an alley behind the Ansonia Hotel. Turner doesn’t trust anyone. Wicks picks up a friend of Turner’s, a man named Barber, to go with him to pick up Turner. This is meant to put Turner at ease.

E. Life Threatening Sequence – In the alley, Turner is lured in by Barber, but then Wicks pulls out a gun and shoots at Turner. He misses, tries again, and again. Wicks is shot by Turner??? Wicks loses Turner but kills Barber. Or does someone else kill Barber (Mystery)

F. Turner is on the run again. He darts into a Sports Clothing Store, where he notices. Katherine Hale, late 20s, who’s going on a trip to Vermont. Outside the store, Turner kidnaps Katherine, using the gun he still has to threaten her. He forces her to take him to her apartment. No one will ever guess where he is. He’s with a complete stranger.

IV. B-Story (Katherine and Turner) begins 46 minutes in.

A. Higgins finds out about Wicks being wounded and Barber being killed. They look into Turner’s shooting record. He was military qualified with a M-I rifle and carbine, but not with a handgun. They try to figure out who Turner really is.

B. Back at Katherine’s, Turner tells her he is CIA. She doesn’t believe him. He tells her he needs some quiet place to put things together, to figure things out. This happens about 55 minutes in.

C. Atwood (CIA) pays Joubert to kill Condor. Joubert will also kill Wicks, who is still in the hospital.

V. Midpoint

A. On the TV, Turner learns that his friend Barber was killed and another man injured. It’s reported completely differently than the way it happened. That’s CIA for you.. Turner borrows Katherine’s car to go see Mae, Barber’s wife. Ties up Katherine before he leaves.

B. Turner meets Joubert at Mae’s apartment building. He’s in the elevator going down. Joubert recognizes him. They get out at the lobby after a bit of conversation. Turner is scared. Life threatening

C. Outside the building, Joubert takes aim at Turner, but can’t keep him on target. Turner gets away in Katherine’s car. Joubert uses his scope to note Turner’s license plate. Now, he has a way to find Turner at Katherine’s. Intrigue and Suspense.

D. Back at Katherine’s, Turner tries to reason what is going on. He searches him memory for clues. When morning comes, he has a plan that might work, but he needs Katherine’s help.

E. A mailman with a special delivery letter rings Katherine’s doorbell. There’s a life-threatening confrontation. Turner kills the mailman.

F. CIA discusses how they’re going to get rid of Turner.

G. Turner and Katherine abandon her apartment. It’s no good now. Instructed by Turner, Katherine goes to Higgins office in the CIA and identifies him.

H. Outside the building, Katherine follows Higgins. Turner follows Katherine in her car. She surprises him a restaurant and convinces him to follow her. They get into Katherine’s car. Turner shows him a photo of Joubert. Higgins knows him. He’s a freelance hitman, who once worked for the CIA. Higgins tells Turner that Wicks is dead. Someone yanked him off life support at the hospital. (Joubert) Higgins tells Turner to stay out while he checks a few things. Turner tells him he’ll contact him. Higgins gone, Turner tells Katherine he thinks there’s another CIA inside the CIA.

I. Turner tracks down Joubert to a hotel room and reports his whereabouts to Higgins. Then he asks him about Atwood, who is actually in the room with Higgins. They try to trace Turner’s call, but he’s fooled with the telephone company. They can’t track him.

VI. Turning Point 2 happens 120 minutes in.

VII. Climax

A. Villain’s plan – Turner confronts Atwood at home with a gun. The whole damn thing was about oil. Joubert surprises them. He tells Turner to put down the gun. Joubert shoots Atwood and stages his death to look like a suicide. Joubert tries to recruit Turner as a hitman. Turner says no. Joubert drops Turner at Union Station and gives him his gun. But not before telling him how the CIA will grab him very soon.

VIII. Resolution

A. Just as Joubert predicted, Higgins meets him on the street, tries to bring him in. Turner tells him he’s given everything to The New York Times. They are at a stalemate.

ABSOLUTE POWER outline, highlighting the parts that fulfill the genre:

I. Opening: In a Washington museum. Our hero Luther Whitney, mid 60s, is among other arts students drawing hands. He’s good at drawing. He’s also good with his hands.

A. Five minutes in we realize he’s a very skilled thief, staking out a mansion.

B. Next thing we know, he’s inside the mansion deactivating the security system.

C. On the staircase, Luther, in a backpack, takes note of the mansion owner’s wedding pictures. The groom is an old man. His wife is some fifty years his junior.

D. The Master Bedroom vault is Luther’s destination. He accesses it with a remote, walks into it ,and starts packing up jewelry and cash and all kinds of other valuables.

E. While in the vault, Luther hears laughter. Mystery: Will he get caught? Suspense.

F. Hiding in the vault, Luther realizes the door is a two way mirror. He can see everything that’s going on in the bedroom.

G. U. S. President Richmond is with the mansion owner’s wife, Christy. Sexual tension abounds. They start to make love. Then it gets rough. He’s too rough. Luther thinks he’s going to get caught. At the same time, he’s scared to death. He watches Christy fight with the President. Finally, she stabs him with a letter opener. Then suddenly, two Secret Service agents comes in, and one of them, Richard Burton, blows her brains out. The other, Tim Collins, agrees with Richard that he had no choice but to kill Christy.

II. This killing is the life-threatening, inciting incident happens about 20 minutes in.

A. Gloria Russel comes on the scene of the murder. The two Secret Service agents and Gloria argue. Clearly, they don’t like one another. Gloria takes control. She decides they need to sanitize the place. Luther is watching and listening to everything. Everything incriminating is gone except the letter opener with Christy’s fingerprints and the President’s blood on it. Luther watches fall out of Gloria’s purse.

B. Throughout this whole episode, Luther worries that he will be exposed. He doesn’t relax until they leave the room and then the house. He opens the door to the vault with a remote. Outside the vault, beautiful Christy lies dead. It’s a terrible sight. Luther finds the letter opener and takes it.

III. Turning Point One. Happens about 27 minutes in. Gloria discovers she doesn’t have the incriminating letter opener. The Secret Service Agents rush back into the house. In the bedroom, they realize that someone was watching from inside the vault the whole time they were sanitizing the place. That someone must have the letter opener.

A. Luther has escaped on a rope through the window and all the way down to the ground. The Secret Service start pursuit. Lift threatening! Mystery! Will Luther get away?

B. The pursuit is long and heart pounding with shots fired at Luther. When he does get away, Tim Collins reports that he got the license number of the car Luther was driving. They can find out where he lives. Scary. Nevertheless, Gloria and the two Secret Service agents are scared to death their lives are over. They’ve got to find Luther and the letter opener.

C. About thirty minutes in, Luther’s daughter, Kate, is introduced. She’s a jogger. Obviously, the two are estranged. He tells her he’s thinking of permanently relocating somewhere with a warmer climate. He’s running away. Kate accuses him of doing something bad AGAIN.

D. Back in the master bedroom, the police are looking over the murder scene. Seth Frank, the Chief Homicide Detective is introduced. So is the medical examiner and the lab technician, Laura Simon. Nothing makes sense. Then they find the vault with a chair in it and suspect that Christie’s husband might be using it to watch his wife have sex with other men. Yikes!

E. They find a bullet hole in the wall. They’ll have to dig out the bullet. It’s all too baffling.

F. We find Luther at a safe house apartment in a high rise building. He puts everything stolen from the mansion in a large safe.

G. Seth interviews Walter Sullivan, Christy’s husband. He finds out that Walter did use the chair in the vault to watch his wife make love with others. It was Christy’s idea. Kinky! Seth promised to try to keep that secret if he can.

H. At the White House, the President complains about his wound. He wants to have it treated, but he can’t because he’ll need to explain what happened. We find out he is married, that he’s afraid Luther will talk. Burton doesn’t think so because he’s a thief. We also find out that he plans to hold a press conference to honor Walter Sullivan, his OLD FRIEND. Disgusting. What the President doesn’t know is that Burton has recorded their interaction. He’s got the President’ on record. Yikes! Something else the President doesn’t know is that the thief has the letter opener.

I. Luther plans to disappear. He has underground connections. He goes about the business of getting four false passports and various forms of disguise.

J. Seth learns that there was no bullet in the bullet hole. Someone dug it out. Who does that after murdering someone? Suspicious. Bill Burton pays Seth a visit. He wants to get an update on what’s going on for the concerned President, so he says. We know he wants to know how much the police know.

IV. Midpoint happens about 57 minutes in. Walter Sullivan hires a hitman to find and kill his wife’s killer.

A. Seth finds out that Luther Whitney a known and very successful thief is in Washington. He suspects Luther might be the thief in the vault. He finds out where he hangs out and confronts him at the museum. It’s a friendly confrontation that goes nowhere except to give Luther some pause.

B. The President gives a press conference to support Walter Sullivan. Luther, about to skidaddle out of the country, hears the press conference on the airport TV. He blows his top over how heartless the President is.

C. Now, Luther makes his decision. He won’t run. He’s going to bring down the President. This happens about 70 minutes in. This is a major turning point.

D. From here on out, Luther becomes the hunter. First he leaves an envelope in the White House for Gloria. Inside is a photo of the letter opener. On the back of it, Luther says he doesn’t want money. This sends Gloria, Tim, and Burton into a tailspin. Tim vows to kill Luther. Gloria is terrified. Burton stays calm. He tells them Seth will bring Luther down.

E. Seth asks Kate for help. He wants her to invite Luther to meet her at the Café Alonzo, so he can bring Luther in before he gets further into trouble. After some convincing, she agrees to meet him at 4:00 p.m. when it will be deserted.

F. Burton and Tim attend the meeting between Kate and Luther, too. Tim readies to take Luther out from a building across the street. Walter’s hitman also is there with the same aim in mind. So it’s Seth and his men, Burton and Tim, and the hitman all out to get Luther one way or another. Thus suspense is LARGE. Mystery: Will Luther be killed? Villains’ plans.

G. Luther shows up. He tells Kate he did not kill Christy. The hitman fires but misses because of a reflection off a pane of glass. Suddenly, it’s chaos, PURE PANDEMONIUM. Luther covers Kate. Then when he deems she’s safe, he disappears. Seth hardly knows what to believe. Everything has gone wrong in a big way. Not just for Seth, but also Secret Service and the hitman. Only Luther seems to be in charge of his destiny. This life and death sequence ends about 95 minutes in.

H. Seth takes Kate home. Clearly, he likes her. When Seth leaves, Luther shows up in Kate’s apartment. He tells her everything that happened and what he plans to do. She’s scared for him. He’s determined.

I. Luther drops off a beautiful necklace at Gloria Russel’s apartment. She thinks it’s from the President, a thank you for rescuing him. She wears it to a White House Dinner Dance. She and the President dance. He sees the necklace and realizes it’s the same necklace Christy Sullivan wore the night she was killed. He knows that Luther has been heard from. After some prodding, he also learns that it’s not the first time. Earlier, Gloria tells him, Luther sent a photograph of the letter opener. He reacts as if he’s been kicked in the teeth.

J. Luther pays each of the Secret Service members, including a visit in the night, while they are sleeping, leaving behind a sign that he was there. His visits are designed to cause enmity among the three.

K. The President is mad. He sicks the Secret Service on Kate because she probably know what Luther knows. Meanwhile Seth has police protecting Kate around the clock. And Luther sneaks back into the Sullivan mansion and returns everything he stole.

L. Burton and Tim ram Kate’s car on her way to go jogging. It goes over a cliff. Luther witnesses the attack. He pulls her out of the car and calls an ambulance. Life and Death Situation.

M. Inside the hospital, Tim makes another attempt on Kate’s life with a hypodermic needle. Luther is lying in wait. Tim gets the prick instead of Kate. Tim crossed the line when he messed with Luther’s daughter. Life and Death Situation.

N. Luther takes over as Walter Sullivan’s driver. He tells Walter everything that happened. Then he gives him the letter opener with Christy’s fingerprints and The President’s blood on it and drops him off at the back of the White House. Life and Death Situation.

V. Climax – Walter kills The President, and reports it as a suicide. Burton blows his head off. Gloria is arrested.

VI. Resolution – Luther and Kate are reconciled. Seth will be coming over for dinner.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s LinkedIn Profile is Amazing!

What I learned doing this assignment is I need more credibility as a screenwriter.

My Linkedin page is mostly geared to screenwriting, but I have kept my non-fiction writing experience posted. I still work as a professional and technical writer.

Three instant improvements I made are these:

1. Added another ScreenwritingU class to my education section.

2. Added this: “Open to Work in Screenwriting roles”.

3. Edited my industry. It now reads, Motion Pictures and Film

During the next 30 days, I plan to

· exchange endorsements.

· Exchange recommendations.

· Build my network of producers.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Credibility is Going Up!

‘What I learned doing this assignment is I have a long way to go to earn credibility as a screenwriter. I also learned that I CAN increase my credibility, one step at a time.

MY PLAN FOR INCREASING MY CREDIBILITY OVER THE NEXT 30 DAYS

1. Elevate my writing sample SPY CATCHER and get a “Recommend from Coverage “

2. Enter SPY CATCHER in a contest.

3. Add to my Linkedin producer network.

4. Keep pitching to producers.

5. Use SPY CATCHER as a writing sample to audition for writing assignments with producers in my network.

CREDIBILITY CHECKLIST

1. Based upon the Credibility Model in this lesson, fill in the Credibility Checklist to show us your current credibility.

Writing Sample SPY CATCHER delivers on genre and business decisions in a strong way.

2. Screenwriting Accomplishments: None

3. The Google Factor: One on the first page shows me as a professional screenwriter.

4. Network: I have about 1,600 producers in my Linkedin network. I about 1,700 connections who are connected to producers.

5. Education specific to screenwriting. I went through the Master Screenwriter Certificate Program. I’ve also taken several other ScreenwritingU courses, including the Thriller class, the Action Class, the Contained Movie class, and the Pro Series.

6. Borrowed credibility: None

7. IMDb Credits: None

8. Other forms of credibility related to screenwriting: None.

POSSIBLE THINGS I CAN DO TO INCREASE MY CREDIBILITY

1. Elevate my writing sample SPY CATCHER.

2. Get a Recommend from Coverage for SPY CATCHER.

3. Enter SPY CATCHER in a contest.

4. Try to get a writing assignment, using SPY CATCHER as a writing sample.

5. Find a way to boost my Google Factor, perhaps create a website.

6. Increase my producer network on Linkedin

7. Keep studying screenwriting.

8. Keep writing scripts.

9. Find a manager to represent me.

10. Earn an IMDb credit.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Projects and Insights

The two projects I plan to work on in this class are,

a. Monsoon Season (proposed project) – budget range $5M-$15M.

Tentatively, Monsoon Season is a thriller about a woman who uses her skills in archaeological research and facial reconstruction to unravel the mystery behind her uncle’s unsolved murder.

b. Spy Catcher (completed project) – budget range $5M-$15M.

Spy Catcher is a thriller about an Asian history scholar, who after witnessing her academic mentor’s brutal murder, risks her career and her life to help the FBI take down a Beijing spy ring.

The opening teleconference was eye-opening and encouraging. These are my insights:

1. As I listened to Hall talk, I realized that paid writing assignments in the movie business are very like paid non-fiction writing assignments I’ve done for years as a freelance technical and professional writer. This understanding inspired me with confidence.

<font face=”inherit”>2. I was </font>encouraged to know that there are<font face=”inherit”> three different ways a screenwriter can connect with a producer for a paid assignment, all of which depend upon timing and credibility. Regarding timing, I have noticed that producers in my genre have projects in development that are stalled. Clearly, the pandemic has caused some of the problem, but I’m wondering whether some of the projects need writers or “new” writers. This may be the ideal time to get my foot in.</font>

3. Right<font face=”inherit”> now, my credibility is limited to my writing samples. Still, if I elevate my writing samples enough, auditioning may help me find someone who wants/needs to hire me. After</font><font face=”inherit”> I land and succeed with my first paid writing assignment, I’ll have the CREDIBILITY I need to on to another project. This is so exciting.</font>

<font face=”inherit”>4. I know from experience in my freelance nonfiction work, that projects need to be done in steps. Hal’s lecture underlined the need for this.</font>

<font face=”inherit”>5. Finally, I learned that in the beginning, I must set aside any greed I might have about getting paid $$$. Makes sense.</font>

<font face=”inherit”>6. My new mantra is this: Be the calm center that keeps things moving forward. </font>

<font face=”inherit”>For me, this is all </font>about<font face=”inherit”> having FUN!</font>

[Madeleine Vessel]

I, Madeleine Vessel, agree to the terms of the following release form:

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi Everyone,

I’m Madeleine Vessel.

I have written three scripts with a fourth in progress.

Right now, I’m shopping a screenplay entitled SPY CATCHER, but I’m finding my lack of credibility (no contest wins) is a deterrent to landing a producer.

Besides entering contests, becoming a paid screenplay writer seems the best way for me to earn credibility. So here I am. Can’t wait to learn how to audition for writing assignments. Yay!

One of the things that lured me into loving movies was the day I spent with Clint Eastwood back when he was Rowdy Yates on RAWHIDE. He was in my hometown for a fast-draw competition. I went there to watch, but I ended up being his sidekick for the whole day. He was very kind to a tomboy, who loved everything to do with cowboys and cattle and horses. By the way, he was very good at quick-draw, and he was a great shot!

Still love Clint Eastwood!

Looking forward to the class and meeting you all.

All the best,

Madeleine

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Outline Version 2

Title: Standing On Holy Ground

Logline: After St. Peter’s Basilica is overtaken by a band of dangerous mercenaries, an FBI legal attaché assigned to the U. S. Embassy in Rome and a former U. S. Army Ranger become priest join forces to save the Basilica, rescue the hostages, and bring down the bad guys, who are out to steal the Holy Grail.

Action Outline:

I.OPENING:

ACTION:

M1. A helicopter with the pilot, a Hopi Policeman, and FBI Special Agent Alberta Rossi on board, fly low over a high mesa on the Hopi Reservation, looking for a pickup truck fleeing the scene of a museum robbery with booty that includes an ancient Hopi ceremonial mask.

A1. Hopi policeman and Alberta get off the helicopter and confront the thieves on the ground. They fight it out with guns.

V1. Alberta is shot by one of the thieves, a woman whose voice she’s heard before, but where she cannot remember. The Hopi Policeman is shot and killed. The thieves, including the woman, escape with the loot.

POST-ACTION:

M2. After being seriously wounded saving the ceremonial Hopi mask, Alberta is offered a legal attaché assignment in Rome, Italy. Urged to by her husband, who is tired of finding her in hospitals at death’s door, she accepts.

II.INCITING INCIDENT:

PRE-ACTION:

A2. In Rome, Alberta Rossi and her son walk toward St. Peter’s Basilica. On the way, Alberta apprehends a pick-pocket and returns a purse to the victim, a woman whose face seems familiar, but which Alberta can’t quite place. It’s a small world. This incident embarrasses Alberta’s son.

ACTION:

V2.M3. In the Basilica, inside a confessional in St. Peter’s Basilica, Alberta hears a disturbance, peeks out , and sees uniformed, men with machine guns taking mobile phones away from tourists and penitents and herding them, including her son, to a central location. Among the mercenaries is the woman who was pickpocketed in St. Peter’s Square. Alberta recognizes her.

Alberta knows something is terribly wrong. Her questions are, who are these soldiers? Who is that woman? What do they want? Is my son in danger?

POST-ACTION:

M4. Inside the confessional, using her mobile phone, Alberta texts a friend in the U. S. Embassy in Rome. She describes the Basilica’s takeover and asks them to report the emergency to the Vatican Police and the Italian Police.

III. FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT I.

PRE-ACTION:

M5. At Alberta ‘s request, the priest turns off the confessional lights. They wait in the dark for the mercenaries and their hostages to disperse.

V3. Alberta hears the woman giving orders. The voice is so familiar. Finally, she places it. It’s the voice of the woman who shot and left her for dead on the Hopi Reservation.

M6. Alberta texts her friend in the U. S. Embassy and identifies the woman to her. She asks that an investigation be started.

ACTION:

A3. Escalation. Alberta and the Priest leave the confessionals and are immediately confronted by a mercenary lying in wait. With lightning speed the priest takes out the mercenary. Alberta collects the mercenary’s machine gun. They divide between them what is in the mercenary’s backpack, including plastic ties and plastic explosives.

What are the mercenaries intending to do? Blow up the Basilica?

POST-ACTION:

The priest confides in Alberta that he was a U. S. Army Ranger before becoming a priest and that he hadn’t expected to need his training again.

Alberta’s glad she’s stuck with him.

M7.Her friend in the U. S. Embassy texts her the number of the Italian Policeman trying to negotiate the situation.

IV.MID-POINT:

PRE-ACTION:

A4. Italian Police show up at the Basilica and hear the mercenaries’ demands. They want $1 billion dollars and safe passage out of Italy in exchange for the hostages and the Basilica. This is a stall tactic by both sides.

ACTION:

A5. V4. Mercenaries turn back an assault by Italian Police attempting to enter through the catacombs.

POST-ACTION

M8.Advised by the priest, Alberta texts the Italian Police that there’s a bricked-up entrance from inside the catacombs that can be breached with some effort. The trick will be to do it without alerting the mercenaries.

PRE-ACTION:

V5. Alberta and the priest discover mercenaries trying to break into a bullet-proof case, displaying an ancient chalice on loan to the Vatican from Valencia Cathedral. The deduce that this is what the mercenaries are after. The priest tells Alberta that recent research points to the cup as the Holy Grail. Not only is it worth millions, it also is said to have supernatural powers.

PRE-ACTION:

A6. The mercenaries’ drone catch Alberta and the priest on camera.

ACTION:

A7. V6. M8. The lead mercenary sends two soldiers to dispatch Alberta and the priest. Alberta and the priest defend against the two soldiers. Getting the upper hand on them, Alberta and the priest render the soldiers unconscious and tie them up with plastic ties. They confiscate the soldiers’ guns, plastic explosives, etc.

POST-ACTION

V7. The drone camera transmits the results of the fight to the lead mercenary. He calls back the drone.

PRE-ACTION

Outside the Basilica, the press report on the hostage situation. They’ve received information that one of the hostages is the daughter of a San Francisco billionaire and speculate that she’s the reason for the Basilica’s takeover. Their feed is available to mercenaries and to Alberta and the priest via their mobile phones.

ACTION

V8. A8. A soldier adds a machine gun to the drone and sends it out to find and kill Alberta and the priest. The drone finds Alberta and the priest and fires on them. They’re sitting ducks.

M9. Struck in the shoulder, Alberta still manages to pivot and fire on the drone. The drone blasts into smithereens.

The drone feed blacks out.

The priest and Alberta take cover. The priest ministers to Alberta.

V.SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2:

PRE-ACTION:

The press publishes a photo of the billionaire’s daughter. It’s Alberta’s face. The mercenaries start searching the hostages for her.

ACTION:

V9. At the Holy Grail display, the soldiers free the bullet proof cover from over the Holy Grail then summon the lead mercenary. He comes on the run, accompanied by the same woman whose purse was snatched in St. Peter’s Square.

V10. Capture. As the woman starts to pick up the chalice, the priest and Alberta step out of the shadows at the point of a gun. They’ve been taken prisoner.

M10.The priest reminds the woman what legend says about the Holy Grail. Only those in a state of grace can safely handle the chalice.

V 11. The woman demands the priest’s absolution. He tells her he can go through the ritual, say all the pretty words, but in the end, only the truly contrite receive actual absolution.

M11.Alberta steps forward. She tells the woman that she just confessed her sins and is in a state of grace. The woman steps aside for Alberta to remove the Holy Grail from the display case, but before Alberta can reach it, it suddenly descends down a shaft into a cement vault below the Basilica. A bullet-proof metal cover closes over the shaft. This happens every evening at 7:00 p.m. sharp.

V12. New Plan. The woman realizes that Alberta is the billionaire’s daughter. “She’s our ticket out of Rome.”

POST-ACTION

As the woman starts negotiations with the Italian Police, Alberta tells her she’s already contacted her father and told him to pay no ransom. The woman responds, “We’ll see about that.

VI.CRISIS:

PRE-ACTION

V13. M12. New Plan. Betrayal. Alberta and the priest are placed with the other hostages. Albert’s son sees her. He calls out, “MOM!”.

ACTION:

V14. Torture. The woman tells Alberta to beg her father to pay the ransom, or she’ll drop her son from the top of the cupola.

V15. The woman seizes Alberta’s son at gunpoint and forces him ahead of her up the stairs to the cupola.

POST-ACTION:

M13. Alberta begs her father to save her endangered son.. He promises to pay the ransom.

VII.Climax:

PRE-ACTION:

A6. The Italian Police brake through the brick wall into the Basilica.

ACTION:

A7.The Italian Police invade the Basilica. They soon overwhelm the remaining mercenaries and free the hostages.

M14.Freed, Alberta bolts up the stairs to the cupola after her son.

A8. M15. At the top of the cupola, the woman shoots at Alberta, but misses. As Alberta rushes toward her, the Italian Police arrive and shoot the woman. The force of the bullet pitches her over the railing. With Alberta’s help, her son shakes himself loose from the woman’s grip seconds before he goes over the railing, too.

POST-ACTION:

Alberta and her son are reunited.

VIII.Resolution:

The remaining mercenaries are taken into custody. The hostages are freed. Alberta and her son reunite with her husband who is outside the Basilica waiting for them.

The Pope gives Alberta and the Priest a special blessing for their courage under fire. He tells them the real Holy Grail is the Eucharist, which is the bread of life.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Conventions!

What I learned doing this assignment is: I don’t need to be locked into what I’ve come up with so far. If I want to change something down the road, I can. How freeing is that!

Concept: In Rome, a young FBI Agent’s plan to confess her sins to a priest at St. Peter’s Basilica is thwarted when seconds after she enters the confessional, the church is overtaken by a group of merciless mercenaries, led by a rogue member of the Swiss Guard. With the help of her intended confessor, she sets out to rescue the frightened hostages, save the Basilica from being blown to smithereens, and bring down the bad guys.

Conventions:

Hero: An FBI Agent assigned to the U. S. Embassy in Rome

Demand For Action: If she doesn’t take down a group of merciless mercenaries, St. Peter’s Basilica and its occupants will be blown to smithereens.

Mission: Take down mercenaries who have taken St. Peter’s Basilica hostage

Antagonist: A rogue member of the Swiss Guard

Escalating Action: Saturday afternoon confessions turn into a hostage situation and a fight against a group of merciless mercenaries.

Conventions:

Hero: A movie stuntwoman who is a pacifist.Demand For Action: If she doesn’t get a top-secret message from Winston Churchill to President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, the U. S. will be compromised by the Nazis.Mission: To safely transport a top-secret message to the president of the U. S.Antagonist: A Nazi spy intent on stopping the message from being delivered.Escalating Action: A clandestine flight to London from Berlin turns into a plane chase,

Concept:

A sports-loving, East Asia history scholar risks her life and promising academic career to help the FBI foil a Chinese Ministry of State Security spy operation.

Conventions:

Highly Skilled Hero: East Asia history scholar who has witnessed her mentor’s murder by a Chinese assassin.Demand For Action: If she doesn’t take her mentor’s place as an FBI operational asset, her mentor’s death will have been in vain.Mission: Uncover an MSS spy operation on a college campus.Antagonist: The ambitious wife of an American traitor on the verge of becoming an important agent of influence for China.Escalating Action: The mysterious death of a Chinese student on WSU campus leads to the heroine’s bogus arrest, her nearly being blown up in her car, and a face fight with the killer.

[Madeleine Vessel]

I am Madeleine Vessel, and I agree to the terms of this form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM FOR “Writing Killer Action Scripts” CLASS
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That everyone’s work here is copyrighted and they are the sole
owner of that work. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this
group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that
idea.

2. That this program is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun and I will not share,

disclose, present, or deliver the information, design, and writing of this

program to anyone for any reason without written permission from Hal Croasmun.

3. That I will keep the other writers’ ideas and writing confidential
(including Hal’s materials) and will not share this information with
anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner.
I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone
outside this group.

4. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or
have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can
independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or
movie idea.

5. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for
any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted
work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from
marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents,
managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment
industry organizations or people.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Fast formatting!

“What I learned doing this assignment is how to make an action scene visceral. I really like the results of my first draft.”

Action scene for my project that includes each of these formatting techniques.

· Basic Formatting

· Dashes

· Ellipsis

· Sound then Explanation

· Mixing Sluglines into Action

· Stacking Action

· Stacking Dialogue

INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

The helicopter flies low over a high mesa on the Hopi Reservation.

The mesa drops off. Below, the view stretches for miles in either direction.

Two pickup trucks, miles apart, kick up dust as they approach one another.

The helicopter flies low over the nearest pickup truck.

FBI SPECIAL AGENT ALBERTA ROSSI photographs the truck.

ALBERTA
White Ford 150. Same license plate as the truck seen leaving the Hopi Cultural. Two in the cab. One in the bed. He’s holding a machine gun.

HOPI POLICEMAN
Dumb asses. Everyone who’s laid eyes on that mask since it was stolen has died.

ALBERTA
Are you saying, you’re the only one who can safely retrieve the mask?

HOPI POLICEMAN
(scared)
Me? No way I’m touching it. We need a medicine man for that.

ALBERTA
Fine.
(to Pilot)
Let’s take a closer look.

The helicopter dive-bombs the pickup truck.

POP! POP! POP! POP!

The helicopter takes machine gun fire from the man in the back of the pickup truck as it climbs.

ALBERTA
No marksman, that’s for sure… One more pass.

PILOT
I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

The helicopter dive-bombs the pickup truck.

The gunner in the truck bed lifts his gun, but before he can fire…

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

…Alberta’s nine millimeter shoots four bullets through the truck’s rear window.

The truck swerves. The left front wheel buries itself in a pothole

The machine gunner launches into the air…

…and plummets into brush.

The truck rolls…

…comes to rest on its roof.

The helicopter lands on the road.

Alberta and the Hopi Policeman jump out and scramble for cover.

The helicopter lifts off. It heads for the top of the mesa where it disappears from sight.

Alberta and Hopi Policeman cautiously approach the overturned vehicle.

POP! POP! POP! POP!

Machine gun fire comes from the brush, where the rifleman is hiding.

The Hopi Policeman gets low and covers Alberta with gun fire.

IN THE BRUSH

She moves cautiously toward the rifleman until —

RATTLING!

Seeing a rattlesnake coiled up, ready to strike, she looks for a way around it without giving away her location, but it’s to no avail.

Picking up the biggest rock she can find, she hurls it at the snake, smashing its head.

Stepping over the snake, she moves forward until…

AT THE MACHINE GUNNER’S HIDING PLACE

…she comes up behind the machine gunner, lying on his stomach, his machine gun aimed in the direction of where the Hopi Policeman disappeared from his sight.

ALBERTA
Drop the gun… Roll away from it. That’s it.

She picks up his machine gun.

ALBERTA
Hands behind your back.

Alberta handcuffs the machine gunner, pulls him to his feet, and pushes him ahead of her toward the road.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Someone inside the truck fires on them.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

The Hopi Policeman returns fire.

Not a sound comes from within the truck.

Leaving her prisoner with the Hopi Policeman, Alberta approaches the truck.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

A burst of gun fire comes from within the truck.

A bullet strikes Alberta in the side.

She feels her side, comes up with a hand covered in blood.

ALBERTA
Damn.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

She shoots into the truck.

A man crawls from the truck with his hands up. He drops the ceremonial mask on the ground in front of him.

As Alberta picks it up, turns to join the Hopi Policeman —

The second pickup skids to a halt behind her.

An armed man and woman pile out. She’s the professor we saw previously at the cocktail party.

The professor raises her gun –

BOOM!

She shoots Alberta in the left shoulder.

Alberta falls on her face, concealing the mask with her body.

Blood soaks through the back of her shirt.

The professor goes to check Alberta’s carotid artery for a pulse, but then, spying a huge scorpion crawling on Alberta’s neck, she recoils in fright.

The professor struggles to composes herself. She waits for a few seconds, and…

…viciously kicks Alberta in the ribs.

When Alberta makes no response —

PROFESSOR
She’s dead. Transfer the goods… Then let’s get the hell out of here.

IN THE BRUSH

A movement by the Hopi Policeman’s prisoner gives away his location.

BOOM! BOOM!

The Hopi Policeman fires.

His bullets go astray.

BOOM! BOOM!

The professor fires, kills the Hopi Policeman.

BOOM! BOOM!

She fires again.

The handcuffed man falls forward out of the brush onto the road.

The professor joins her companion and helps him transfer the last of the loot into the second pickup.

Leaving Alberta bleeding out on the ground, they jump into the truck and barrel off in the direction from which they came.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Great Action Set Piece!

What I learned doing this assignment is the more passes I make the wilder the action scenes and the more unique the story becomes. I’m loving the fun of it.

Action Set Outline:

Take an Action Set Piece from your outline and use the steps above to turn it into an amazing experience for the reader and audience.

1. Build in the meaning.

I. Pre-Action:

FBI Agent is given the opportunity to take a legal attaché assignment in Rome. She says she’ll think about it. She’s happy working out of Flagstaff, AZ, where she and her family live.

At a cocktail party, FBI Agent meets Professor of History, interested in religious artifacts. Professor flirts with FBI Agent’s husband.

II. Action: The action starts with a helicopter flying low over a mesa on the Hopi Reservation. This drops off over a dirt road where two pickup trucks, miles apart, kick up dust as they converge on one another.

On board the helicopter is the pilot, a Hopi Policeman, and FBI Agent. She is photographing the pickup that has just left the scene of a trading post robbery during which a ceremonial mask was stolen.

The Hopi Policeman warns the FBI Agent that they will die if they even lays eyes on the Hopi mask. He’s scared. It turns out that everyone who has had the mask in their possession since it was stolen from a sacred cave, has died.

The helicopter dive-bombs the pickup truck. A rifleman in the bed of the truck, fires up at the helicopter. Bullets go wild. The helicopter dive-bombs again. This time when the rifleman shoots, the FBI Agent returns fire, sending a bullet through the truck’s back window, grazing the ear of the driver. He swerves. The truck’s front wheel hits a pothole at high speed launching the rifleman into the air. The rifleman lands in a bush. The truck rolls, coming to rest on its roof.

The helicopter lands on the road. The FBI Agent and Hopi Policeman jump out. The helicopter lifts off and returns to a safe place out of sight of the road on top of a mesa.

The FBI Agent and Hopi Policeman cautiously approach the overturned vehicle. Gun fire comes from the brush, where the rifleman is hiding. The Hopi Policeman gets low and covers the FBI Agent as she moves through the bush toward the rifleman.

Creeping along in the underbrush, FBI Agent comes across a rattlesnake, rattling its tail. It’s angry. FBI Agent doesn’t want to give her location away by firing at the snake. She looks for a way around it without blowing her cover, but can’t find one. Finally, she picks up a rock and smashes the snake’s head. One blow kills it. She steps over the snake and moves forward.

She comes up behind the rifleman lying on his stomach with his rifle pointed at the Hopi Policeman. Disarming him, she handcuffs, and pushes him in front of her back to the road, where they both take fire from inside the truck. The Hopi Policeman returns fire.

The FBI Agent leaves her prisoner with the Hopi Policeman and heads toward the truck, taking fire as she goes. A bullet grazes the FBI Agent’s side. Blood flows. The FBI Agent returns fire. The third man surrenders and climbs out of the truck and drops the ceremonial mask like it’s a hot potato.

Just as the FBI Agent takes possession of the mask, the second pickup truck arrives. She turns her back and runs toward the Hopi Policeman’s hiding place, as armed men and a woman pile out. She’s the professor we saw earlier at the cocktail party. She takes out a gun and fires on FBI Agent, who falls on her face, bleeding from her shoulder.

She plays possum, hoping the robbers will think she’s dead.

The woman goes to check the FBI Agent’s pulse, but before she can, she sees a huge scorpion crawling on the FBI Agent’s neck. She jumps back. She wants no part of the scorpion.

She kicks the FBI Agent hard in the ribs. The FBI Agent makes no response. She’s got to be dead.

She steps away from the body and orders her men to take possession of the rolled truck’s loot.

The man in the Hopi Policeman’s custody gives their location away. The professor fires and kills the Hopi Policeman then takes the policeman’s key and unhandcuffs the robber. He joins the rest of the looters.

The truck drives away in the direction from which it came.

The helicopter returns and lands. He finds only the FBI Agent still alive. He brushes away the scorpion and helps her to the helicopter. She’s still clutching the ceremonial mask. The helicopter lifts off.

III. Post Action:

On second mesa, the FBI Agent returns the ceremonial mask to Hopi religious leaders. They perform a purifying ceremony by drawing a ring of cornmeal around the FBI Agent, still carrying the mask, and performing a ritual chant.

In the hospital, FBI Agent’s husband convinces her to take the legal attaché job. He’s tired of worrying about her.

[Madeleine Vessel]

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Madeleine’s Unique Action!

“What I learned doing this assignment is that brainstorming unique action can lead to an entirely new direction. My story has taken a strange turn. No I’m not only dealing with the natural world, but I’m also dealing with the supernatural world. This is totally unexpected. It’s a little bit scary.

1. After doing the brainstorming exercises, I found I liked these results the best:

Environment: Sacred place full of art treasures and crypts, especially the Holy Grail. According to Grail myth from the Last Crusade, if you drink from the Holy Grail, it will grant you immortality.

Rule: The only catch for the villain is that you can’t leave the temple it’s housed in (otherwise known as passing through the Great Seal). Another rule is my rule that you can’t safely handle the Holy Grail unless you are in the state of grace.

Mission: The villain is there to obtain the Holy Grail, not for its value or its religious significance, but for its power.

Struggle: Everything about the struggle to save the hostages and the Basilica revolves around who has possession of the Holy Grail.

Unique Skillset: Someone has supernatural powers.

Allies: Italian Police, Vatican Police, a Vatican exorcist, St. Michael the Archangel, St. Peter.

Go opposite: The priest, not the Swiss Guard, will know the Basilica and underground grottos by heart.

What haven’t we seen? Apparitions/Supernatural phenomenon

2. Here are the improvements I made to my script:

· In the opening scenes, I emphasize the Patron Saint of the Holy Sea and his powers: He is St. Peter.

· In the confession scene, FBI Agent will receive absolution from the Priest after she has confessed her sins. She is the only one definitely in a state of grace when the story begins.

· In each of the scenes, where the FBI Agent takes down a mercenary, she uses a non-fatal means of dispatching them. This allows her to remain in a state of grace. I have therefore added the following weapons to the story: A taser, a laser gun, and a knife. One of the tools taken from the mercenary’s backpack that becomes significant is the package of plastic ties, which the FBI Agent will use to keep the captured mercenaries under control.

· Instead of the Priest trying to avoid killing someone because of his collar and his vocation, it will be the FBI Agent who will try to avoid killing in order to stay in the state of grace.

· I’m considering adding a scene where the lead mercenary will demand the Priest give him absolution for his sins.

· I’m also considering the possibility of adding a battle scene between Lucifer and St. Michael the Archangel. Completely supernatural.

· The end will reveal that the chalice thought to be the Holy Grail is not the real Holy Grail at all. The sacrament of the Eucharist is the Holy Grail. At least that’s the plan for now. Wow!

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Level 3 Action Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is danger, excitement, and adrenaline can be layered into the script, one scene at a time.

A scene that uses these action emotions: Danger, Excitement, and Adrenaline.

OUTLINE

I. INT. ST. PETER’S BASILICA – DAY

MERCENARY COMMAND POST

The lead mercenary brings down the drone. He adds a weapon to it and sends it out to find the FBI Agent and the Priest.

LEAD MERCENARY
This will put an end to them.

II. SACRED CHALICE EXHIBIT

The FBI Agent and the Priest enter an alcove and discover three soldiers working to free the Sacred Chalice from its bullet-proof case.

PRIEST
This isn’t just a hostage situation. It’s a heist.

FBI AGENT
What’s in the case?

PRIEST
The Sacred Chalice on loan from Valencia Cathedral. It’s thought to be the Holy Grail.

FBI AGENT
Worth millions, I’m guessing.

PRIEST
Priceless.

FBI Agent moves behind a pillar, takes out her mobile phone, and clicks on U. S. Embassy in her contact list. The phone RINGS.

FBI AGENT
Yes, it’s me. The terrorists are after the Holy Grail. It’s only a matter of time before they break through the case and extract it.

FBI Agent ends her call.

PRIEST
The chalice will disappear at 7:00 p. m.

FBI AGENT
Disappear?

PRIEST
It automatically descends down a shaft into an underground cement vault.

FBI Agent checks the time. It’s 6:30 p. m.

The drone searching for them approaches the Sacred Chalice Exhibit.

III. EXT. ST. PETER’S BASILICA – DAY (DUSK)

ITALIAN POLICEMAN

(Blow Horn)

Surrender now.

MERCENARY COMMAND POST

Lead mercenary negotiates with the Italian Police.

LEAD MERCENARY
We want safe passage out of Italy in exchange for the Basilica and hostages.

IV. STAIRS TO THE CATACOMBS

Italian police move through the catacombs to reach the interior of the Basilica.

Mercenaries block Italian Police from entering with gun fire.

V. DRONE

The drone searches for FBI Agent and Priest.

VI. EXT. ST. PETER’S BASILICA – DAY (DUSK)
The press arrives and starts reporting on the hostage situation. This feed is available to both the mercenaries and the FBI Agent.

VII. STAIRS TO THE CATACOMBS

FBI Agent and Priest watch the mercenaries turn back the Italian Police.

PRIEST

We’re on our own.

VIII. DRONE

The weaponized drone finds FBI Agent and Priest and fires on them. They’re sitting ducks.

A bullet from the drone’s fire strikes FBI Agent, wounding her in the left shoulder.

The Priest shoots down the drone and drags the FBI Agent behind a column.

SCENE

INT. ST. PETER’S BASILICA – DAY

MERCENARY COMMAND POST

The lead mercenary calls down the drone.

He adds a weapon to it and sends it out to find the FBI Agent and the Priest.

LEAD MERCENARY
This should put an end to any resistance.

SACRED CHALICE EXHIBIT

The FBI Agent and the Priest enter an alcove and discover three soldiers working to free the Sacred Chalice from its bullet-proof case.

Quickly, they duck out of sight.

PRIEST
This isn’t just a hostage situation. It’s a heist.

FBI AGENT
What’s in the case?

PRIEST
A sacred chalice on loan from Valencia Cathedral. It’s thought to be the Holy Grail.

FBI AGENT
You mean The HOLY GRAIL?

PRIEST
No amount of money can buy it. It’s priceless.

FBI Agent takes out her mobile phone and clicks on U. S. Embassy in her contact list. The phone RINGS.

FBI AGENT
FBI Agent—. The terrorists are after the Holy Grail. It’s only a matter of time before they break through the case and extract it.

FBI Agent ends her call.

PRIEST
The chalice will disappear at 7:00 p. m. If we can just keep them occupied —

FBI AGENT
What do you mean, disappear?

PRIEST
The exhibit will automatically descend down a shaft into an underground cement vault.

FBI Agent checks the time. It’s 6:30 p. m.

DRONE

The drone searching for them approaches the Sacred Chalice Exhibit.

EXT. ST. PETER’S BASILICA – DAY (DUSK)

ITALIAN POLICEMAN
(through a loudspeaker broadcasting inside the Basilica)
You’re surrounded by law enforcement. Surrender now. Let us know your terms via number one-one-three.

MERCENARY COMMAND POST

Lead mercenary calls 113. The number RINGS.

DIALOGUE IN ITALICS IS IN ITALIAN

EMERGENCY DISPATCHER

What is your emergency?

LEAD MERCENARY
I need someone who speaks English.

EMERGENCY DISPATCHER
I speak English. What is your emergency?

LEAD MERCENARY
You have a line for the Emergency at St. Peter’s Basilica.

EMERGENCY DISPATCHER
Yes, Sir. I’m transferring you.

The line RINGS. DISPATCHER 2 answers.

DISPATCHER 2
Yes, sir.

LEAD MERCENARY
Tell your negotiator, we want ten million U. S. dollars and safe passage out of Italy in exchange for the Basilica and the hostages.

STAIRS TO THE CATACOMBS

Italian police move through the catacombs toward the stairway into the Basilica.

DRONE
The drone searches for FBI Agent and Priest.

EXT. ST. PETER’S BASILICA – DAY (DUSK)
The press arrives and starts reporting on the hostage situation. This feed is available to both the mercenaries and the FBI Agent via their mobile phones.

STAIRS TO THE CATACOMBS

FBI Agent and Priest watch the mercenaries turn back the Italian Police with gunfire.

PRIEST
Looks like we’re still on our own.

DRONE

The weaponized drone finds FBI Agent and Priest and fires on them. They’re sitting ducks.

A bullet from the drone’s fire strikes FBI Agent, wounding her in the left shoulder. She falls.

The Priest picks up her gun and shoots down the drone.

MERCENARY COMMAND POST

The lead mercenary sees the drone feed go dead.

He points two soldiers.

LEAD MERCENARY
You and you, go after them. Kill them on sight.

AREA NEAR STAIRS TO THE CATACOMB

A Mercenary guarding the stairs to the catacombs heads toward them on the run. The Priest guns him down.

Now, only one mercenary keeps the Italian Police at bay in the catacomb.

The Priest drags FBI Agent to her feet.

PRIEST
We can’t stay here.

FBI Agent nods.

As they limp away toward cover —

FBI AGENT
Sorry you had to be the one to kill him.

[Madeleine Vessel]

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Subject line: Madeleine’s Level 2 Action Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is surprise, shock, and suspense can be built into a scene pretty easily when you know how to use INSIDE/OUTSIDE and Beginning > Opposition > Betrayed > First Attempt > Villain Team Attack 1 > Hiding > Villain Attack 2 > Sacrifice > Second Attempt > Escape.

A Scene that uses all three of these Action emotions: Surprise, Shock, Suspense

OUTLINE

INT. ST. PETER’S BASILICA

CONFESSIONAL

I. FBI Agent uses her mobile phone to notify the U. S. Embassy of the Basilica’s takeover and of the hostage situation and requests they notify the Vatican Police and the Italian Police of the situation.

II. After the FBI Agent peeks out the confessional and sees no one around, she and the Priest quietly exit.

BASILICA

III. Exiting, an armed soldier suddenly appears from behind a pillar and confronts them. With lightning speed, the Priest dispatches the soldier and picks up his gun.

IV. As FBI Agent and Priest go through the soldier’s backpack and divide the useful items between them.

V. FBI Agent asks the Priest, “Who are you?” The Priest reveals that he is a former U. S. Army Ranger, who served in combat zone around the world and that he became a priest to avoid situations like this. He doesn’t want to kill anyone else. She introduces herself to him, “I’m FBI Special Agent so and so, currently a legal attaché at the U. S. Embassy in Rome.”

They size one another up. They shake hands. She takes the confiscated gun from the Priest.

VI. Overhead, unbeknownst to the FBI Agent and Priest, a drone captures them on camera. The head soldier sends two men to capture them.

VII. As the FBI Agent and Priest creep from one pillar to another to discern what is going on, two soldiers ambush them.

One by one, the FBI Agent takes them out.

The Priest collects the dead soldiers weapons and backpacks.

The Priest and FBI Agent see the drone. They realize that the drone is armed with a camera and that the armed soldiers must know exactly where they are.

VIII. Watching them on camera, the soldiers decide the best way to finish off the Priest and unknown woman is to shoot them with the drone.

IX. The leader calls back the drone, weaponizes it, and sends it back out to hunt down the FBI Agent and Priest. It’s just a matter of time before it finds them.

FIRST DRAFT OF SCENE, HIGHLIGHTING SURPRISE, SHOCK, AND SUSPENSE.

INT. ST. PETER’S BASILICA – CONFESSIONAL/BASILICA – DAY

Inside the confessional, FBI Agent takes out her mobile phone and selects U. S. Embassy from her contact list.

FBI AGENT
This is FBI — . Please notify the Italian Police and Vatican Police that terrorists have overtaken St. Peter’s Basilica and taken hostages. So far, I and a priest have avoided capture, but we need immediate help… Thank you.

FBI Agent peeks outside the confessional. A soldier is loitering.

She quietly closes the confessional door.

Through the screen —

FBI AGENT
At least one soldier hanging around.

PRIEST
We’re in no hurry.

FBI AGENT
Right.

FBI Agent takes another peek.

FBI AGENT
I don’t see anyone, but that doesn’t mean we’re alone.

PRIEST
I’m ready if you are.

FBI AGENT
Okay, then. Let’s move.

FBI Agent and the Priest cautiously open their confessional doors.

Instantly, an armed soldier drags the Priest out of his confessional stall. With lightning speed, the Priest dispatches the soldier and picks up his gun.

FBI Agent surveys the visible terrain for more soldiers.

FBI AGENT

Looks like he was working alone.

PRIEST

Don’t count on it.

FBI Agent and Priest go through the dead soldier’s backpack and divide the spoils between them.

FBI AGENT

Who are you?

PRIEST

You mean?

FBI AGENT

Yes.

PRIEST

Before I became a priest, I was a U. S. Army Ranger, serving in the Middle East. I’d hoped as a priest I’d be able to avoid situations like this. I was wrong.

FBI AGENT

FBI Special Agent —. I’m a legal attaché at the U. S. Embassy here in Rome.

They size one another up. They shake hands.

FBI AGENT

I’ll take this.

She takes the confiscated gun from the Priest.

FBI AGENT

Better I do the killing than you.

The priest nods his head and kisses his crucifix.

Above, unbeknownst to the FBI Agent and Priest, a drone captures them on camera.

The FBI Agent and Priest creep from one pillar to another, the drone flying silently overhead.

Without warning, two soldiers ambush them.

One by one, the FBI Agent takes them out.

The Priest collects the dead soldiers weapons and backpacks.

Now, FBI Agent and Priest see the drone hovering overhead.

PRIEST
It’s armed with a camera. They know exactly where we are.

FBI Agent aims at the drone, but it darts away before she can shoot.

FBI Agent
Damn.

PRIEST
Only a matter of time before it finds us again. Who knows what it will be armed with then?

[Madeleine Vessel]

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Madeleine’s Level 1 Action Emotions

“What I learned doing this assignment is this. Incorporating anxiety, fear, and relief into a scene creates an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Scene that includes anxiety, fear, and relief.

Outline

INT. ST. PETER’S BASILICA – CONFESSIONAL – DAY

I. ANXIETY/FEAR: Hearing noise outside the confessional, the FBI Agent peeks out and sees armed soldiers herding penitents together. The FBI Agent’s son is among them.

II. The FBI Agent asks her confessor if it’s customary for the security guards to herd people together at this time of day. He responds, “No. We don’t herd people—ever.”

ANXIETY: She tells him to turn off the confessional lights. He does.

III. FEAR: Outside the confessional, one of the soldiers directs another to search the confessionals.

The FBI Agent are sitting ducks. Both are terrified.

The soldier reaches the FBI Agent’s confessional, but then is distracted by a woman shrieking, throwing a fit.

The soldier notes that the confessional lights are off then abandons the search to quell the woman’s shenanigans.

IV. RELIEF: The FBI Agent and the Priest in their separate stalls wait for the soldier to return, but time passes, and the noise dies down.

The FBI Agent peeks out the confessional and sees everyone gone.

Conveying this bit of good news to the Priest, she tells him they should wait five more minutes before leaving the confessional.

First Draft of Scene

INT. ST. PETER’S BASILICA – CONFESSIONAL – DAY

FBI Agent kneels before the confessional screen. The door in front of the screen slides open. The FBI Agent makes the Sign of the Cross.

FBI AGENT
Bless me father, for I have sinned –

A MAN SHOUTING nearby interrupts her confession.

Peeking outside the confessional door,

FBI AGENT’S P. O. V.

Three armed soldiers herd the penitents together.

FBI Agent quietly closes the confessional door and turns back to the screen.

FBI AGENT
Is it usual for armed soldiers to herd the penitents away from the confessional at this time of day.

PRIEST
Armed soldiers? Absolutely not… Never.

FBI AGENT
Then we’ve got trouble… Turn off the confessional lights.

The confessional goes dark.

FBI AGENT
Are the in-use lights off?

PRIEST
Everything’s off.

Outside the confessional, one of the armed soldiers instructs another.

SOLDIER
Check the confessionals.

The soldier opens the doors of a nearby confessional and pulls out the terrified and SCREAMING penitent and confessor.

FBI Agent and Priest know that they are about to be exposed.

The door handle on the FBI Agent’s confessional turns —

But then among the herded penitents, a WOMAN SCREAMS AND RAISES A RUCUS.

The door handle returns to its closed position.

Outside the confessional, the woman’s shouting stops.

FBI AGENT
(whispering)
Are you okay?

PRIEST
(whispering)
I’m fine.

FBI AGENT
We’ll bide our time for a while. See what happens.

Outside the confessional, all sounds of human life gradually disappear.

FBI Agent peeks out the confessional.

FBI AGENT’S P. O. V.

Everyone is gone.

FBI AGENT
All Clear.

PRIEST
Thank you, God.

FBI AGENT
We’ll wait five more minutes just to be sure.

[Madeleine Vessel]

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Madeleine’s Favorite Twists!

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s easier to incorporate setups and twists in the outline than in the script.

Five Favorite Setups/Twists:

1. Identity Exposed: FBI Agent’s identity is exposed when she stops a purse snatcher in St. Peter’s Square. Later, the victim of the purse snatching recognizes the FBI Agent’s son among fellow hostages and knows his mother is out and about trying to help them.

2. Danger: While in the confessional, the FBI Agent hears a disturbance outside among the penitents. She peeks out the door, sees soldiers rounding up fellow penitents, and realizes something is horribly wrong. Later, she and the priest escape the confessional without being taken prisoner.

3. New Resources: As the FBI Agent and the Priest exit the confessional, the priest dispatches a mercenary laying and wait and picks up his gun. Later, the priest will use this gun to shoot the drone out of the air.

4. Unexpected Support: The Vatican Priest hearing confessions turns out to be a former Army Ranger with experience in Afghanistan. A good ally to have.

5. New Threat: When the Priest and FBI Agent are caught on the mercenaries’ drone camera, two mercenaries are sent to capture them.

6. It Just Got Worse. The mercenaries, armed with an old photo of the billionaire’s daughter provided by the press, examine the hostages to find the right woman. Instead, they find the FBI Agent posing as the daughter.

Structure/Plot/Outline

Opening:

Rome skyline >

Peter’s Square >

Likeability: Hero is walking with son toward St. Peter’s Basilica. She’s on the phone with her husband, telling him she and their son will stop in the Basilica before coming home. He’s getting dinner ready. They’re kissy face on the phone.

Likeability: Hero walks with her son toward St. Peter’s Basilica when one of a team of pickpockets snatches a woman’s purse. Hero pursues the culprit, takes him down, pins him, and takes possession of the stolen purse. The Vatican police arrive. Identifying herself as an FBI legal attaché at the U. S. Embassy IDENTITY EXPOSED, she gives the culprit into their custody.

Likeability: She returns the purse to the victim ( who now knows she is an FBI Agent with considerable skills) and receives her heartfelt gratitude. The crowd around her cheers.

This victim, a tourist also headed for St. Peter’s Basilica, features later during the siege.

Likeability: Hero’s son is embarrassed by the whole affair. He’s a teenager with a bit of a rebellious streak. She rings her son’s neck with her arm and gives him a kiss on the cheek. They walk on toward St. Peter’s Basilica.

Inciting Incident:

V1: Mercenaries, dressed like Swiss Guards, enter the Basilica through an underground tunnel and secret door. One by one they take out the real Swiss Guards and then close down the Basilica. They shed their Swiss Guard uniforms and now look like combat soldiers.

M1: FBI AGENT, sitting in the confessional, about to confess her sins, hears a disturbance outside among the penitents. She peeks out the door and sees DANGER. Something is terribly wrong.

V2: Armed soldiers herd the penitents, including her son, into a controllable location. There, the soldiers confiscate everyone’s cameras and mobile phones.

Question: Who are these soldiers? What do they want? Is my son in danger?

M2: Likeability: She tells the priest about the armed men. He verifies they shouldn’t be there. It’s not time for the Basilica to close for the night. She tells the priest to shut off the confessional lights. He does.

V3: Lead mercenary accompanies a couple of his soldiers to the exhibit of the Sacred Chalice on loan from Valencia Cathedral. He gets them started on the extraction.

M3: Using her mobile phone, the FBI Agent contacts the U. S. Embassy, where she is a legal attaché, advises them the Basilica has been taken over by armed men, and requests they notify the Italian Police and Vatican City of the situation.


First Turning Point at end of Act 1 and First Action:

M4: As the FBI Agent and the Priest exit the confessional, a mercenary appears from behind a pillar and confronts the priest. With lightning speed the priest dispatches the mercenary and NEW RESOURCES picks up his gun.

The FBI Agent comes up beside him. As she goes through the mercenary’s backpack, she asks him, “Who are you? He tells her he was an Army Ranger in Afghanistan before he became a Priest. Nice. SURPRISING SUPPORT. She introduces herself as a FBI legal attaché at the U. S. Embassy. They distribute the contents of the pack between them.

V4: NEW THREAT: The Priest and FBI Agent are caught on the mercenaries’ drone camera. The mercenary leader sends two soldiers to round them up.

Italian Police & Swiss Guard plan an offensive.

M5: Moral Dilemma. Kill or not kill. The FBI Agent takes out the two mercenaries, one at a time. NEW RESOURCES: The Priest collects their weapons and backpacks. Now, both the Priest and the FBI Agent are armed. These goings on are caught on camera by the drone.

V5: PLAN FAILS: Surprised at this unexpected development, the mercenary leader calls a meeting of the remaining soldiers. DECISION: Kill the now armed woman with the drone.

V6: The lead mercenary calls back the drone and adds a weapon to it.

The Priest shares with the FBI Agent that he defied his father, who wanted him to go into the family business, to become a priest. His father disowned him. He tells her why he became a Priest???? So he could avoid confrontations like this.

Mid-Point: The Priest and the FBI Agent discover three mercenaries working to free the Sacred Chalice, on loan from the Valencia Cathedral. This is not just a hostage situation. It’s also a heist. The journey is the same, but the meaning has changed.

M6: The FBI Agent, who worked jewelry theft cases before coming to Rome, conveys this new knowledge to the U. S. Embassy, who conveys it to the Italian Police and Vatican City. They also convey it to the FBI, looking for a similar modus operandi.

Question: Who is behind the heist?

M7: Priest tells FBI Agent the chalice will disappear at 7:00 p.m. She looks at her watch. It’s 6:30 p.m.

V7: The lead mercenary negotiates with the Italian Police, who show up at the Basilica. The lead mercenary demands safe passage out of Italy in exchange for the Basilica and the hostages. This is a smoke screen to give them time to extricate the Sacred Chalice.

V8: The mercenaries push back a second group of Italian Police attempt to access the Basilica through the same secret tunnel through which the mercenaries made entrance.

V9: The armed drone searches for the FBI Agent and the Priest.

The press starts reporting on the hostage situation. This feed is available to both the mercenaries and the FBI Agent.

Second Turning Point at end of Act 2:

Justification: Just as the FBI Agent and the Priest realize they’re on their own fighting the bad guys, ATTACKED: the weaponized drone finds the Priest and the FBI Agent and fires on them. Caught by surprise, they’re sitting ducks. The FBI Agent is hit in the left shoulder.

M7: The priest shoots down the drone.

V10: The mercenaries working on the Sacred Chalice exhibit finally free it. The lead mercenary comes running. Just as he arrives on the scene, the chalice descends down a deep shaft into a cement vault. A bullet proof metal cover closes over the shaft. The villain did not have this in his playbook. It’s a setback for the villain. PLAN SUCCEEDS FOR HERO’S MISSION.

NEW PLAN: But then they find out from the outside media that one of the hostages is the daughter of a San Francisco billionaire. New game plan. All they have to do is find out which of their hostages is the billionaire’s daughter.

V11: The mercenaries, armed with an old photo of the billionaire’s daughter provided by the press, examine the hostages to find the right woman. IT JUST GOT WORSE FOR THE HOSTAGES.

M8: The Priest identifies the billionaire’s daughter first because he knows who she is. She’s a regular at the Basilica.

Based on information from the priest and conveyed by the FBI Agent to the Italian Police over her cell phone, the Italian Police will enter the Basilica by another, little-used tunnel.

M9: The FBI Agent substitutes herself for the Billionaire’s daughter. The priest spirits the real billionaire’s daughter toward the hidden tunnel through which the Italian Police plan to enter.

Crisis: The FBI Agent’s son calls out, “Mom” when he sees his mother among the hostages. IDENTITY EXPOSED.

V12: The lead mercenary seizes him and holds him hostage. He forces the kid up the stairs to the cupola ahead of him. The FBI Agent gives chase.

Climax: The Italian Police invade the Basilica. Led by the Priest, they quickly take out the remaining mercenaries. Only the leader is left. They head up the stairs after him.

V13: At the top of the cupola, the mercenary leader pulls out his gun to shoot the FBI Agent, but his gun jams.

M10: The FBI agent rushes toward him. They struggle. She frees her son from the mercenary’s grip.

The Italian Police arrive. They shoot him. The force of the attack throws him over the balcony.

Resolution: FBI Agent is reunited with her son and husband. The Priest is reunited with his father, who no longer cares about his calling.

[Madeleine Vessel]

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Madeleine’s Likability/Empathy/Justification

What I learned doing this assignment is that a few additions to the plot can make the hero likable, empathetic/distressed, and justified. I love how layering these different steps is bringing my story to life.

Hero: likability/empathy/distress/justified.

LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY

Other people like or respect her. She is happily married to a man, who would like her to be doing safer work. He’s very happy she accepted the legal attaché position and has moved his remote workspace to Rome to be with her.

Her son is rebellious, but he loves her.

She has advanced as a FBI case agent to qualify for the Legal Attaché position.

The character shows love. She loves her husband and her son.She’s trying to do something good in her position as an FBI Agent.D. Save the cat — rescue or do something good for someone else.E. Funny, humorous, witty.F. Kindness.Good moral decisions and actions. She definitely is on the right side.

EMPATHY / DISTRESS

Undeserved misfortune. Being in the Basilica at the time of its takeover and having her son taken hostage is definitely a misfortune.B. External Character conflicts.C. Plot intruding on life.Moral dilemmas. Kill or not kill. E. Forced decisions they’d never make.F. Wound attacked.

JUSTIFICATION

A. The character or their family abused. Threatened by others. She is threatened by the mercenaries who have taken over the Basilica.The Hero is the victim of attacks.D. They’ve suffered major losses.E. The Villain or their representatives have trespassed.<div>

STRUCTURE/PLOT/OUTLINE

Opening:

Rome skyline >

Peter’s Square >

Likeability: Hero is walking with son toward St. Peter’s Basilica. She’s on the phone with her husband, telling him she and their son will stop in the Basilica for confessions before coming home. He’s getting dinner ready. They kissy face on the phone.

Likeability: Hero is walking with her son toward St. Peter’s Basilica when a team of pickpockets snatches a woman’s purse. Hero pursues the culprit, takes him down, and takes possession of the stolen purse. The police arrive and take the culprit into custody.

She returns the purpose to the victim. The victim expresses heartfelt gratitude. The crowd around her cheers.

Likeability: Hero’s son is embarrassed by the whole affair. He’s a teenager with a bit of a rebellious streak. She gives her son a kiss on the cheek. They walk on toward St. Peter’s Basilica.

Inciting Incident:

V1: Mercenaries, dressed like Swiss Guards, enter the Basilica through an underground tunnel and secret door. One by one they take out the real Swiss Guards and then close down the Basilica. They shed their Swiss Guard uniforms and now look like soldiers

V2: Mercenaries start herding Basilica’s occupants toward a central and easily controlled location.

M1: FBI AGENT sits in the confessional about to confess her sins when she hears a disturbance outside among the penitents.

Peeking out the confessional door, she sees uniformed, armed men herding the penitents, including her son, into a controllable location. Something is terribly wrong.

Question: Who are these soldiers? What do they want? Is my son in danger?

M2: Likeability: She tells the priest about the armed men. He verifies they shouldn’t be there. She tells the priest to shut off the confessional lights. They’ll leave the confessional whenever it’s safe.

V3: Lead mercenary accompanies a couple of his soldiers to the exhibit of the Sacred Chalice on loan from Valencia Cathedral. He gets them started on the extraction.

M3: Using her mobile phone, the FBI Agent contacts the U. S. Embassy, where she is a legal attaché, advises them the Basilica has been taken over by armed men, and requests they notify the Italian Police and Vatican City of the situation.


First Turning Point at end of Act 1 and First Action:

M4: The Priest and FBI Agent are caught on the mercenaries’ drone camera.

Threatened by others

V4: Empathy/Distress. The mercenary leader sends two soldiers to round them up.

Italian Police & Swiss Guard plan an offensive.

M5: Moral Dilemma. Kill or not kill. The FBI Agent takes out the two mercenaries, one at a time.

V5: Surprised at this unexpected development, he calls a meeting of the remaining soldiers. DECISION: Kill the now armed woman with the drone.

V6: The lead mercenary calls back the drone and adds a weapon to it.

The Priest shares with the FBI Agent that he defied his father, who wanted him to become a doctor, to become a priest. His father disowned him. He tells her why he became a Priest????

Mid-Point: The Priest and the FBI Agent discover three mercenaries working to free the Sacred Chalice, on loan from the Valencia Cathedral. This is not just a hostage situation. It’s also a heist. The journey is the same, but the meaning has changed.

M6: The FBI Agent conveys this new knowledge to the U. S. Embassy, who conveys it to the Italian Police and Vatican City.

Question: Who is behind the heist?

V7: The lead mercenary negotiates with the Italian Police, who show up at the Basilica. The lead mercenary demands safe passage out of Italy in exchange for the Basilica and the hostages. This is a smoke screen to give them time to extricate the Sacred Chalice.

V8: The mercenaries push back a second group of Italian Police attempt to access the Basilica through the same secret tunnel through which the mercenaries made entrance.

V9: The armed drone searches for the FBI Agent and the Priest.

The press starts reporting on the hostage situation. This feed is available to both the mercenaries and the FBI Agent.

Second Turning Point at end of Act 2:

Justification: Just as the FBI Agent and the Priest realize they’re on their own fighting the bad guys, the weaponized drone finds the Priest and the FBI Agent and fires on them. Caught by surprise, they’re sitting ducks. The FBI Agent is hit in the left shoulder.

M7: The FBI Agent shoots down the drone.

V10: The mercenaries working on the Sacred Chalice exhibit finally free it. The lead mercenary comes running. Just as he arrives on the scene, the chalice descends down a deep shaft into a cement vault. A bullet proof metal cover closes over the shaft. The villain did not have this in his playbook. It’s a setback for the villain.

But then they find out from the outside media that one of the hostages is the daughter of a San Francisco billionaire. New game plan. All they have to do is find out which of their hostages is the billionaire’s daughter.

V11: The mercenaries, armed with an old photo of the billionaire’s daughter, start examining hostages to find the right woman.

M8: The priest identifies the billionaire’s daughter first because he knows who she is. She’s a regular at the Basilica.

Based on information from the priest and conveyed by the FBI Agent to the Italian Police over her cell phone, the Italian Police will enter the Basilica by another, little-used tunnel.

M9: The FBI Agent substitutes herself for the Billionaire’s daughter. The priest spirits the real billionaire’s daughter toward the hidden tunnel through which the Italian Police plan to enter.

Crisis: The FBI Agent’s son calls out, “Mom” when he sees his mother among the hostages.

V12: The lead mercenary seizes him and holds him hostage. He forces the kid up the stairs to the cupola ahead of him. The FBI Agent gives chase.

Climax: The Italian Police invade the Basilica. Led by the priest, they quickly take out the remaining mercenaries. Only the leader is left. They head up the stairs after him.

V13: At the top of the cupola, the mercenary leader pulls out his gun to shoot the FBI Agent, but his gun jams.

M10: The FBI agent rushes toward him. They struggle. She frees her son from the mercenary’s grip.

The Italian Police arrive. They shoot him. The force of the attack throws him over the balcony.

Resolution: FBI Agent is reunited with her son and husband. The Priest is reunited with his father, who no longer cares about his calling.

</div>

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Story Map

“What I learned doing this assignment is blending the hero’s mission, the villain’s action with basic screenplay structure moves the story forward almost effortlessly. Wow!”

Opening: ????

Inciting Incident:

V1: Mercenaries, dressed like Swiss Guards, enter the Basilica through an underground tunnel and secret door. One by one they take out the real Swiss Guards and then close down the Basilica. They shed their Swiss Guard uniforms and now look like soldiers

V2: Mercenaries start herding Basilica’s occupants toward a central and easily controlled location.

M1: FBI AGENT sits in the confessional about to confess her sins when she hears a disturbance outside among the penitents.

Peeking out the confessional door, she sees uniformed, armed men herding the penitents, including her son, into a controllable location. Something is terribly wrong.

Question: Who are these soldiers? What do they want? Is my son in danger?

M2: She tells the priest about the armed men. He verifies they shouldn’t be there. She tells the priest to shut off the confessional lights. They’ll leave the confessional whenever it’s safe.

V3: Lead mercenary accompanies a couple of his soldiers to the exhibit of the Sacred Chalice on loan from Valencia Cathedral. He gets them started on the extraction.

M3: Using her mobile phone, the FBI Agent contacts the U. S. Embassy, where she is a legal attaché, advises them the Basilica has been taken over by armed men, and requests they notify the Italian Police and Vatican City of the situation.


First Turning Point at end of Act 1 and First Action:

M4: The Priest and FBI Agent are caught on the mercenaries’ drone camera.

V4: The mercenary leader sends two of his soldiers to round them up.

Italian Police & Swiss Guard. They plan an offensive.

M5: The FBI Agent takes out the two mercenaries, one at a time.

V5: Surprised at this unexpected development, he calls a meeting of the remaining soldiers. DECISION: Kill the now armed woman with the drone.

V6: The lead mercenary calls back the drone and add a weapon to it.

M6: The FBI Agent conveys this new knowledge to the U. S. Embassy, who conveys it to the Italian Police and Vatican City.

Mid-Point: The Priest and the FBI Agent discover three mercenaries working to free the Sacred Chalice, on loan from the Valencia Cathedral. This is not just a hostage situation. It’s also a heist. The journey is the same, but the meaning has changed.

V7: The lead mercenary negotiates with the Italian Police, who show up at the Basilica. The lead mercenary demands safe passage out of Italy in exchange for the Basilica and the hostages. This is a smoke screen to give them time to extricate the Sacred Chalice.

V8: The mercenaries push back a second group of Italian Police attempt to access the Basilica through the same secret tunnel through which the mercenaries made entrance.

V9: The armed drone searches for the FBI Agent and the Priest.

The press starts reporting on the hostage situation. This feed is available to both the mercenaries and the FBI Agent.

Second Turning Point at end of Act 2:

Just as the FBI Agent and the Priest realize they’re on their own fighting the bad guys, the weaponized drone finds the Priest and the FBI Agent and fires on them. Caught by surprise, they’re sitting ducks. The FBI Agent is hit in the left shoulder.

M7: The FBI Agent shoots down the drone.

V10: The mercenaries working on the Sacred Chalice exhibit finally free it. The lead mercenary comes running. Just as he arrives on the scene, the chalice descends down a deep shaft into a cement vault. A bullet proof metal cover closes over the shaft. The villain did not have this in his playbook. It’s a setback for the villain.

But then they find out from the outside media that one of the hostages is the daughter of a San Francisco billionaire. New game plan. All they have to do is find out which of their hostages is the billionaire’s daughter.

V11: The mercenaries, armed with an old photo of the billionaire’s daughter, start examining hostages to find the right woman.

M8: The priest identifies the billionaire’s daughter first because he knows who she is. She’s a regular at the Basilica.

Based on information from the priest and conveyed by the FBI Agent to the Italian Police over her cell phone, the Italian Police will enter the Basilica by another, little-used tunnel.

M9: The FBI Agent substitutes herself for the Billionaire’s daughter. The priest spirits the real billionaire’s daughter toward the hidden tunnel through which the Italian Police plan to enter.

Crisis: The FBI Agent’s son calls out, “Mom” when he sees his mother among the hostages. T

V12: The lead mercenary seizes him and holds him hostage. He forces the kid up the stairs to the cupola ahead of him. The FBI Agent gives chase.

Climax: The Italian Police invade the Basilica. Led by the priest, they quickly take out the remaining mercenaries. Only the leader is left. They head up the stairs after him.

V13: At the top of the cupola, the mercenary leader pulls out his gun to shoot the FBI Agent, but his gun jams.

M10: The FBI agent rushes toward him. They struggle. She frees her son from the mercenary’s grip.

The Italian Police arrive. They shoot him. The force of the attack throws him over the balcony.

Resolution: ???

[Madeleine Vessel]

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Madeleine’s Action Structure!

What I learned doing this assignment is filling in the blanks then coming back to it for tweaks works. Still don’t have all the blanks filled out, but it’s coming along. Yay!

The 3-Act structure for my story

Opening:

Inciting Incident:

FBI AGENT sits in the confessional about to confess her sins when she hears a disturbance outside among the penitents. She peeks out the door and sees uniformed, armed men herding the penitents, including her son, into a controllable location. Something is terribly wrong.

Question: Who are these soldiers? What do they want? Is my son in danger?

Using her mobile phone, the FBI Agent contacts the U. S. Embassy, where she is a legal attaché, advises them the Basilica has been taken over by armed men, and requests they notify the Italian Police and Vatican City of the situation.


First Turning Point at end of Act 1 and First Action:

The mercenaries see the FBI Agent and Priest moving in the Basilica via a drone camera.

The mercenary leader sends two of his soldiers to round them up.

The FBI Agent takes out the two mercenaries, one at a time.

The Priest collects their arms and backpacks. This is caught on camera by the drone. The lead mercenary calls back the drone and add a weapon to it.

The Priest and the FBI Agent discover three mercenaries working to free the Sacred Chalice, on loan from the Valencia Cathedral. This is not just a hostage situation. It’s also a heist.

The FBI Agent conveys this new knowledge to the U. S. Embassy, who conveys it to the Italian Police and Vatican City.

Mid-Point:

The Italian Police show up at the Basilica. The lead mercenary demands safe passage out of Italy in exchange for the Basilica and the hostages.

A second group of Italian Police attempt to access the Basilica through a secret tunnel, the same tunnel by which the mercenaries made entrance. The mercenaries fire on them and push them back.

The drone is searching for the FBI Agent and the Priest.

The press starts reporting on the hostage situation. This feed is available to both the mercenaries and the FBI Agent.

Second Turning Point at end of Act 2:

Just as the FBI Agent and the Priest realize they’re on their own fighting the bad guys, the weaponized drone finds the Priest and the FBI Agent and

fires on them. They’re like sitting ducks. The FBI Agent is hit in the left shoulder. The FBI Agent shoots down the drone.

The mercenaries working on the Sacred Chalice exhibit finaly free it. The lead mercenary comes running. Just as he arrives on the scene, the chalice descends down a deep shaft into a cement vault. A bullet proof metal cover closes over the shaft. The villain did not have this in his playbook. It’s a setback for the villain.

But then they find out from the outside media that one of the hostages is the daughter of a San Francisco billionaire. New game plan. All they have to do is find out which of their hostages is the billionaire’s daughter.

The mercenaries, armed with an old photo of the billionaire’s daughter, start examining

hostages to find the right woman. The priest identifies the billionaire’s daughter first because he knows who she is. She’s a regular at the Basilica.

Based on information from the priest and conveyed by the FBI Agent to the Italian Police over her cell phone, the Italian Police will enter the Basilica by another, little-used tunnel.

The FBI Agent substitutes herself for the Billionaire’s daughter. The priest spirits the real

billionaire’s daughter toward the hidden tunnel through which the Italian Police plan to enter.

Crisis:

The FBI Agent’s son sees his mother and calls out, “Mom.” The lead mercenary seizes

him and holds him hostage. He forces the kid to run up the stairs to the cupola. The FBI Agent gives chase.

Climax:

The Italian Police invade the Basilica. Led by the priest, they quickly take out the

remaining mercenaries. Only the leader is left. They head up the stairs after him.

At the top of the cupola, the mercenary leader pulls out his gun to shoot the FBI Agent, but his gun jams.

The FBI agent rushes toward him. They struggle. She frees her son from the mercenary’s grip.

The Italian Police arrive. They shoot him. The force of the attack throws him over the balcony.

Resolution:

Hostages are freed. FBI Agent and son leave together. The Priest watches them go.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Action Track!

“What I learned doing this assignment is there’s many ways to express action and I can use most of them in my story. Yay!

Rough draft of my Action Track.

Concept from Lesson 1:

In Rome, a young FBI Agent’s plan to confess her sins to a priest at St. Peter’s Basilica is thwarted when seconds after she enters the confessional, the church is overtaken by a group of merciless mercenaries, led by a former member of the Swiss Guard. With the help of her intended confessor, she sets out to rescue the frightened hostages, save the Basilica from being blown to smithereens, and bring down the bad guys.

1. Answer the Action Questions:

A. Considering the concept from Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie?

· Chase/Pursuit

· Fight

· Shootout

· Rescue

· Escape/Evade

· Dangerous Situations

B. Considering the Mission and Villain Tracks, what action could work for this track?

· Chase/Pursuit

· Fight

· Shootout

· Rescue

· Escape/Evade

· Dangerous Situations

C. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act?

· It will start with the mercenaries entering the Basilica through an underground tunnel and, one-by-one taking out the Basilica guards. Then the mercenaries will discover the FBI Agent on a drone camera, fighting and taking out one of their number and collecting his paraphernalia. From there, one of the mercenaries is sent to kill the FBI Agent. She shoots him. She takes his gun and paraphernalia. Now they arm the drone and send it out to find and kill the FBI Agent. She shoots it out of the air with a laser gun she’s taken from one of the backpacks. Now, she goes after the mercenaries one-by-one until she confronts the leader, whom she fights, gets the upper hand and pushes him off the balcony in the cupola.

2. Select the types of action you’ll use.

A. Chase/PursuitB. FightC. ShootoutD. RescueE. Escape/EvadeG. Dangerous Situations

3. List of action scenes sequenced to deliver my story.

1. INVASION: Mercenaries take over the Basilica, replacing one guard at a time with their own men. They are dressed similarly except for the fact they are brandishing fully automatic guns.

Purpose: Introduces the mercenaries, their leader, and the threat they present.

2. HOSTAGE TAKING: Mercenaries round up tourists and other visitors to the Basilica and contain them not far from the confessionals, where the heroine, an FBI Agent, and her confessor are confined and where other penitents are gathered, either praying their penance or readying for confession. The noise alerts the heroine, who peeks out of the confessional and sees the armed mercenaries. She alerts the priest. He turns off the confessional lights. They stay quiet.

Purpose: This introduces the heroine and her confessor, who both have skills it will take to save the hostages and the Basilica.

3. ESCAPE/EVADE: The FBI Agent and priest escape the confessional unnoticed and try to discover the extent of the threat and the mercenaries’ goal.

Purpose: The FBI Agent and the priest are now working as a team.

4. FIGHT: The FBI Agent takes down a mercenary gazing on the Sacred Chalice, exhibited behind bullet proof glass. She collects his weapon and backpack, which includes his radio. The priest keys on the Sacred Chalice as the mercenaries’ target and the ticking clock they are up against.

Purpose: The ticking clock. At 7:00 p.m. sharp the Sacred Chalice will descend into an underground cement vault. The mercenaries must secure it before that happens.

5. DISCOVERY: A drone carrying a camera spies the downed mercenary. Then it spies the FBI Agent and the priest.

Purpose: Now the mercenaries know that at least two people are loose in the Basilica.

6. ORDER: Capture the priest and the woman he’s with.

Purpose: Insight into the villain. Shows the stakes for the FBI Agent and the Priest.

7. CHASE: The FBI Agent and Priest become aware of the mercenaries closing in. They lead them on a merry chase while the FBI Agent calls the U. S. Embassy where she is a legal attaché and advises them of the situation. They assure her, they will call the Italian Police.

Purpose: Insight into the mercenaries’ level of sophistication.

8. AMBUSH/FIGHT: Two mercenaries confront the priest and the FBI Agent. They fight. The priest and the FBI Agent get the upper hand. They dispatch the mercenaries and take their arms and paraphernalia. The priest spots the drone.

Purpose: Both the priest and the FBI Agent have serious skills. Now, they know how the enemy knows where they are.

9. ATTACK/DRONE: The mercenaries launch the drone again, this time with armament. Going through one of the mercenaries backpacks, the FBI Agent finds a laser gun and shoots down the drone. The priest and the FBI Agent destroy the drone.

Purpose: The FBI Agent can make do with what she has at her disposal.

10. ITALIAN POLICE: The Italian Police show up in front of the Basilica with a hostage negotiator. Meanwhile, another group of Italian Police are approaching through an underground tunnel, unfortunately the same one through which the mercenaries entered the Basilica. They are there to pick them off one-by-one. Two Italian police fall before the assault is pushed back.

Purpose: To show that the mercenary leader knows how to handle the Italian Police.

11. SURPRISE: Mercenaries working to free the Sacred Chalice witness it descend down a deep shaft and disappear from sight.

Purpose: Shows how the mercenary leader reacts to the loss of the chalice. There’s dissent within their ranks. Some want to call off the mission.

12. DISCOVERY/PRESS: The mercenaries learn that one of their hostages is the daughter of a San Francisco billionaire. They start looking for the valuable hostage.

Purpose: Reunites the mercenaries. They have a new, profitable target.

13. ITALIAN POLICE/NEW ASSAULT: Based on information from the priest and conveyed by the FBI Agent over her cell phone, they will enter the Basilica by another, little-used tunnel.

Purpose: Insight into Priest, FBI Agent, and leader of the Italian Police. They’re working together.

14. SEARCH. The mercenaries, armed with an old photo of the billionaire’s daughter, start examining hostages to find the right woman. The priest identifies the billionaire’s daughter first because he knows who she is. She’s a regular at the Basilica.

Purpose: To show that although information from the outside is available to both sides, the insider priest’s info is better.

15. IMPERSONATION. The FBI Agent substitutes herself for the Billionaire’s daughter. The priest spirits the real billionaire’s daughter toward the hidden tunnel through which the Italian Police plan to enter.

Purpose: To get the FBI Agent closer to a confrontation with the leader of the mercenaries.

16. FINAL HOSTAGE/ESCAPE. The FBI Agent’s son recognizes her and calls out, “Mom.” She escapes the clutches of the Mercenaries, grabs her son, and runs for the stairs up to the cupola.

Purpose: Insight into the FBI Agent who will do anything to save her son.

17. CHASE: The leader of the mercenaries chases after the FBI Agent and her son.

Purpose: To show FBI Agent’s skills in evading and fighting.

18. INVASION: The Italian Police invade the Basilica. Led by the priest, they quickly take out the remaining mercenaries. Only the leader is left. They head up the stairs after him.

Purpose: to show the leader of the mercenaries surrounded.

19. CONFRONTATION. At the top of the cupola, the mercenary leader pulls out his gun to shoot the FBI Agent, but his gun jams. The FBI agent rushes toward him. They struggle. The Italian Police arrive. They shoot him. The force of the attack throws him over the balcony.

Purpose: The mercenaries are defeated. The FBI Agent and her son are reunited. Now, she and the priest need to go to confession.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Villain Track!

What I learned doing this assignment is that filling in the blanks, sleeping on my ideas, and then filling in the blanks again, reaps good results.

This is fun!

1. Answers to the Villain Track Questions.

· My villain’s plan is to overtake St. Peter’s Basilica and take everyone inside hostage until he secures the Sacred Chalice on loan from Valencia Cathedral worth millions.

· My villain can destroy my hero with arms, an armed drone, hand-to-hand combat, and by taking her son hostage.

· My villain, a former Swiss Guard, knows the Basilica and Vatican City inside and out, and he can use every tunnel and hidey hole to his advantage. He has worked out his plan in advance and has a crew of men who are willing to kill.

· A fitting end for my villain would be a downfall from the top of the cupola.

2. Include labels with each step of their plan.

TAKE OVER BASILICA: Mercenaries led by my villain enter the Basilica through an underground tunnel, dressed as Swiss Guard. One by one they take out the real Swiss Guards and then close down the Basilica. They shed their Swiss Guard uniforms and now look like soldiers

TAKE HOSTAGES: They take all people they can find still in the Basilica hostage, except my hero and her confessor.

PLAN: To nab the Sacred Chalice on loan from Valencia Cathedral, worth millions, and make their escape through one of the secret tunnels.

PLAN WEAPONS: Fully automatic weapons, armed drone, explosives.

CONTROLLING AUTHORITIES: Swiss Guard, Italian Police. The former Swiss Guard knows how each of these authorities will respond and how to deal with them.

SURPRISED: Using a drone to make sure all the occupants of the Basilica are corralled in one place, the villain is surprised to see an unarmed woman take out one of their number and acquire his gun and other paraphernalia, including his radio.

MEETING: The villain meets with his team and discusses the best way to handle the threat.

DECISION: Kill the now armed woman.

ITALIAN POLICE: The FBI Agent uses her mobile phone to call the U. S. Embassy and notify them of her situation. They, in turn, notify the Italian Police. The Italian Police show up. Villain threatens to blow up the Basilica and everyone inside. The Italian Police back off.

MISTAKE: When the mercenaries try to take possession of the Sacred Chalice. It descends down a shaft into an underground vault, and bullet proof doors close over it.

THE PRESS: The press identifies one of the hostages as the daughter of a San Francisco billionaire.

NEW PLAN: Take the billionaire’s daughter instead of the chalice.

RANSOM DEMANDS MADE: The mercenaries want $1 billion dollars for the return of the billionaire’s daughter.

ATTACK: The Italian Police try to enter the Basilica through a tunnel but are quickly discovered and forced back.

FINAL HOSTAGE: The villain figures out the little boy among his hostages is the son of the woman taking down his men.

FITTING ENDING: At the top of the copula, threatening to kill the hero’s little boy, the villain shoots hero. The wounded hero shoots and kills the villain. The villain falls off the copula.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Hero’s Mission Track

“What I learned doing this assignment is that filling in the blanks thickens the plot. I’m loving it.

1. Ask the Mission Track questions to discover your Hero’s mission.

What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds?

An FBI Agent, who by trade is dedicated to bringing down bad guys, is even more determined to bring down the bad guys because her son’s life is in jeopardy.

What is the mission that would be an impossible goal?

Bringing down a team of merciless mercenaries who are armed to the teeth and who have overtaken St. Peter’s Basilica.

What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero?

Internal motivation: She’s determined to protect her son’s life.

External motivation: A team of armed and dangerous mercenaries is determined to kill her.

Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain?

Seeing the Basilica seized by a team of merciless mercenaries while in the confessional, finding the object of the mercenaries’ interest (a woman praying in the Adoration Chapel) and hiding her, taking out the mercenaries one-by-one, collecting their arms and ammunition as she goes, finding the rogue Swiss Guard and finishing him, repercussions, and the possibilities of injury and death.

2. Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.

CLEAR MISSION: Take down mercenaries who have seized St. Peter’s Basilica and save the hostages, including her son.

MOTIVATION: Her son is among the hostages taken by the mercenaries. She wants him back safe and sound. Inciting Incident: Mercenaries seize the Basilica and take its occupants hostage, all except the real object of their mission, praying in the Adoration Chapel, and the FBI Agent and Confessor in the confessional.FIRST ACTION: In the Adoration Chapel, a mercenary tries to seize the praying woman. The FBI Agent thwarts his attempt.OBSTACLE: The mercenary radios to the others that she is a threat. The FBI Agent takes down the mercenary, but not before the mercenary radios to the others that she is a threat.ESCALATION: The FBI Agent takes down the mercenaries and takes his arms and ammo. Other mercenaries head for the Adoration Chapel. The rogue Swiss Guard tries to negotiate with the FBI Agent for the woman, who is their target. OVERWHELMING ODDS: The FBI Agent dialogues with the woman and finds out that she is the daughter of a San Francisco billionaire who is opposed to her becoming a Roman Catholic nun and who is probably behind the mercenaries presence.

The Italian police attempt to enter the front doors of the Basilica. but the mercenaries hold them off. The mercenaries threaten to blow up the Basilica and everyone inside if the Italian police don’t back off.

NEW PLAN: While the mercenaries are busy fending off the Italian police, the FBI Agent, praying woman, and priest slip out of the Adoration Chapel and make their way to the entrance of an underground tunnel, which leads outside the Basilica.

The FBI Agent takes out the mercenary guarding the tunnel escape and sends the priest and the woman into the tunnel. She can’t go with them because her son is still among the hostages.

The FBI Agent heads into the nave of the Basilica to get the lay of the land. She finds the rogue Swiss Guard in negotiation with the Italian Police. He wants $1 billion dollars for the release of the Basilica and the hostages.

FULL OUT ATTACK: Mercenaries, led by the rogue Swiss Guard, catch sight of the FBI Agent and enter into a cat and mouse game. One by one, the FBI Agent picks them off.SUCCESS: She takes out the rogue Swiss Guard, frees the hostages, reunites with her son, and turns the Basilica over to the Italian Police.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Hero and Villain

What I learned doing this assignment is it takes several passes to come up with approximately I want in the story. I’ve still got a ways to go, but this is it for now.

Concept:

Hero Morally Right: She is fighting to stop a group of pitiless mercenaries from killing hostages and destroying St. Peter’s Basilica. <div>
<div>

Villain Morally Wrong: The villain, a rogue member of the Swiss Guard, takes St. Peter’s Basilica and its occupants hostage.

Hero: An FBI Agent

Hero’s Unique Skill Set: FBI Agent: physically fit, trained in defensive tactics, trained in practical applications, including hostage negotiation and the use of firearms.

Motivation: Save the hostages and the Basilica.</div><div>
</div><div>Secret: One of the hostages is her ten-year-old son.</div><div>
</div><div>

Villain: A Rogue Member of the Swiss Guard and a team of merciless mercenaries.

Unbeatable: A rogue member of the Swiss Guard has a team of greedy mercenaries equipped with guns, explosives, and expert knowledge of the ins and outs of Vatican City.</div><div>

Plan/Goal: Knows everything about Vatican City and how the Swiss Guard and the Italian police work. He uses that knowledge to protect his team of mercenaries until he can exchange his hostage for a hefty ransom and escape.

Maybe one of the hostages is especially valuable.

What they lose if Hero survives: $1 billion dollars.</div><div>

Impossible Mission

Puts Hero in Action: With the help of her confessor, she starts taking down the mercenaries, one at a time.</div><div class=””>
</div>

Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: She’s not just solving a crime or negotiating the release of hostages. She is in a non-stop battle with well trained and knowledgable mercenaries.

Destroy the Villain. First by saving the Basilica, the hostages, and finally by taking down the rogue member of the Swiss Guard.

</div>

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Conventions!

What I learned doing this assignment is: I don’t need to be locked into what I’ve come up with so far. If I want to change something down the road, I can. How freeing is that!

Concept: In Rome, a young FBI Agent’s plan to confess her sins to a priest at St. Peter’s Basilica is thwarted when seconds after she enters the confessional, the church is overtaken by a group of merciless mercenaries, led by a rogue member of the Swiss Guard. With the help of her intended confessor, she sets out to rescue the frightened hostages, save the Basilica from being blown to smithereens, and bring down the bad guys.

Conventions:

Hero: An FBI Agent assigned to the U. S. Embassy in Rome.<div>

Demand For Action: If she doesn’t take down a group of merciless mercenaries, St. Peter’s Basilica and its occupants will be blown to smithereens.

<div>

Mission: Take down mercenaries who have taken St. Peter’s Basilica hostage

Antagonist: A rogue member of the Swiss Guard

Escalating Action: Saturday afternoon confessions turn into a hostage situation and a fight against a group of merciless mercenaries.

</div></div>

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

I, Madeleine Vessel, agree to the terms of this release form:

GROUP RELEASE FORM FOR “Writing Killer Action Scripts” CLASS
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That everyone’s work here is copyrighted and they are the sole
owner of that work. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this
group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that
idea.

2. That this program is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun and I will not share,

disclose, present, or deliver the information, design, and writing of this

program to anyone for any reason without written permission from Hal Croasmun.

3. That I will keep the other writers’ ideas and writing confidential
(including Hal’s materials) and will not share this information with
anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner.
I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone
outside this group.

4. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or
have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can
independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or
movie idea.

5. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for
any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted
work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from
marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents,
managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment
industry organizations or people.

[Madeleine Vessel]

I so enjoyed this course. Thank you Hal and Cheryl.

Wishing all of my classmates the very best.

Madeleine

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Madeleine Vessel.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Madeleine Vessel.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Outline

What I learned doing this assignment is every pass adds content and depth to the outline.

Overview:

Title: Chance EncounterGenre: ThrillerLogline: When a brokenhearted woman is suddenly taken hostage by a mentally unstable man, she must rely on a responding patrol officer to negotiate her release, not knowing he’s battling PTSD.

Act 1:

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

OPENING: Dory eats dinner in front of a baseball game on the TV. The camera pans the crowd and stops on Dory’s fiancé, Jerry. Excited, she texts him using her mobile phone. She sees him text her back on TV, “Love u 2.” She smiles.

But then the camera pulls back, and Dory sees he’s with a beautiful woman, who teasingly turns to him and kisses him on the lips.

Suddenly, Jerry sees his face on the baseball marquis, realizes he’s on nationwide TV, and pushes away the woman he’s with.

At home, Dory collapses. Her happy life comes crashing down around her.

A friend calls Dory, “Are you watching the game?”

Dory breaks down. Tears run down her cheeks.

The friend says, “Jerry’s a bastard…. “

She warns Dory to expect bombardment by the press. “News reporters must already know the girl with Jerry isn’t you.” Dory hangs up.

INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT

Dory rubs soap on her engagement ring, trying to remove it. She fails. It won’t budge.

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

Elsewhere, in another bathroom, Tristan opens a prescription bottle and finds it empty.

He panics.

What will his mother say? He’s supposed to tell her when his prescription starts to run low.

Tristan’s eve more afraid of what he will do off his medicine.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS – DAY

Increasingly paranoid, Tristan wonders the streets, looking for help.

EXT. ACTIVITY CENTER OFFICE – DAY

Dory unlocks the door to the activity center and enters.

INT. ACTIVITY CENTER OFFICE – DAY

A sign posted reminds staff to keep door locked when the activity center is closed to the public.

Preoccupied with her broken heart, Dory fails to lock the door.

EXT. POOL AREA – DAY

Dory sprays down the pool deck with a hose, weeping over her fiancé’s betrayal and over her wasted life. Now, what? What’s the point of her life? Why go on?

EXT. ACTIVITY CENTER – DAY

Tristan peeks through the swimming pool fence slats. He sees Dory skimming leaves off the surface of a swimming pool. He has often watched her doing this, but this is the first time he’s seen her weeping.

Tristan doesn’t like to see her weeping. He becomes agitated.

Tristan finds the door to the activity center unlocked. He enters.

EXT. SWIMMING POOL AREA – DAY

Inside the pool area, Tristan begs Dory to get away from the edge of the pool. He’s afraid she’ll drown.

Dory stops crying. Tristan’s sudden appearance is a surprise. The door into the swimming pool should have been locked.

Realizing Tristan’s acting irrationally, Dory strives for calm.

Dory assures Tristan she knows how to swim.

When Tristan only becomes more agitated, she steps back from the pool.

INCITING INCIDENT – Tristan tells Dory he’s afraid he’s going to hurt someone because he’s off his medication.

Clearly, Tristan’s mentally unstable. Suddenly, Dory is afraid. All she wants to do is get away from him, but it will take finesse.

Dory struggles to keep her wits about her. She needs to get Tristan out of the activity center without riling him up.

Clutching at straws, she asks him how she can help him. He doesn’t know.

She suggests he call a family member for help. He doesn’t have a mobile phone.

Dory offers him her own phone. He won’t take it. “If my mother finds out I haven’t taken my medicine, she’ll get mad.” The very thought of his mother finding out scares him. In fact he’s out of the house because he’s hiding from her.

Dory offers to call 911. Tristan becomes even more agitated. He’s afraid of the police. They put people in jail. Dory quickly tells him, “Okay, no police.” Tristan quiets down.

Dory asks Tristan how he feels about firefighters. He’s okay with them. They’re good guys. He has received help from them before.

Dory offers to call 911 and ask for the fire department. Tentatively, he agrees. With his permission, she calls 911 and asks for the fire department.

EXT. ACTIVITY CENTER – DAY

A fire truck responds.

INT. POOL AREA – DAY

TURNING POINT – One of the firefighters, Con, instantly recognizes Tristan as a man he knew in college. They were both pursuing a degree in forestry when Tristan was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenic.

Con knows Dory. He’s responded to the pool more than once. He reassures Dory as soon as he arrives. “Everything will be all right.”

Con struggles and fails to persuade Tristan to go with him to the hospital.

Tristan doesn’t trust Con on sight. He says, “There’s something evil about Con’s blue eyes.” Totally irrational.

The more Con pressures Tristan, the more he resists.

Finally, Tristan pulls something out of his pocket and takes hold of Dory. Arm around her neck, he uses Dory as a shield against Con.

Con leaves the Activity Center.

Tristan follows Con outside the Activity Center, dragging Dory with him.

Act 2:

INT. NEAREST POLICE STATION – DAY

Most of the station leaving for breakfast. They’re celebrating something.

Only one police officer stays in the office, holding down the fort. This is Sam.

Sam is a police officer newly assigned to desk duty at the district’s police station because he is struggling with PTSD flashbacks from a previous failed hostage situation in another district.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE ACTIVITY CENTER – DAY

Con calls 911 for assistance with a hostage situation.

INT. NEAREST POLICE STATION – DAY

Sam answers Con’s call.

Sam learns that Con has a hostage situation and that the hostage taker may be holding a knife to the hostage’s back.

This is Sam’s dilemma. Does he waste precious time waiting for someone else to respond, or does he risk having a PTSD break and failing another hostage.

INT. POLICE UNIT – DAY

He proceeds to the hostage situation in a patrol car, calling for backup on the way.

On the way, Sam starts to experience PTSD symptoms. He starts perspiring heavily. He has difficulty getting his breath.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE ACTIVITY CENTER – DAY

Sam arrives at the scene and introduces himself to Con, who fills him in on the situation.

Tristan whispers in Dory’s ear, “Sam has brown eyes.” Thinking this is a good sign, Dory asks Tristan to let go his grip on her, but he refuses. Tristan uses her as a shield against Sam.

MIDPOINT TURNING POINT. FEAR. Seeing Tristan using Dory as a shield triggers a PTSD flashback in Sam. Sam starts to perspire, starts shaking, vomits. Con thinks he has food poisoning. Actually, Sam has PTSD.

Con’s anger is palpable. He tells him either to stand down or do what has to be done. Dory’s life is in jeopardy.

Sam pulls himself together. After a moment, he reminds Con that not only Dory’s life is in jeopardy, but so is Tristan’s.

PLACEHOLDER. Sam works to develop rapport with Tristan and Dory.

Tristan is suspicious of Sam.

Dory likes Sam.

Dory finds out that Tristan lives nearby with his mother and sister. She relays this information to Sam, who is finally getting a grip.

Act 3:

RETHINK EVERYTHING. Sam sends for Tristan’s family members.

NEW PLAN. Tristan’s sister, Lilith, arrives on the scene. Tristan panics at the sight of her. “What’s she doing here?”

In a huddle with Sam, Lilith is gung-ho to help. Sam lays out a plan for her.

But then when Lilith starts to talk Tristan into letting go of Dory, she realizes that the situation could be an answer to both her and her mother’s prayers, a way to get rid of Tristan—death by cop.

It turns out that Lilith hates Tristan. He’s the cause of her and her mother’s current poverty. In addition, he takes up all their mother’s attention.

TURNING POINT: Lilith escalates the situation, screaming at him, telling him she hates him for the trouble he’s caused the family and hopes he dies by cop. Her intention is to scare Tristan and cause him to invite police action.

Tristan does panic. He puts Dory in a strangle hold. Blood flows from a scratch at Dory’s throat. Tristan panics more. He hasn’t meant to hurt Dory. To Lilith: “Look what you made me do.” To Dory: “I’m so sorry.”

Dory is caught between Tristan and Lilith. Lilith wants Tristan dead by cop. If she gets her way, Dory might also be a casualty.

Dory, miserable over her cheating fiancé, wavers between wanting to die and wanting to live. She’s at an intersection. Finally, she decides to choose life not death.

Sam, barely holding onto his reason, yells at Con to get Lilith out of there.

Con drags Lilith away screaming.

Once Con has Lilith away from the hostage scene, he comforts her. He understands her frustration. He shares with her his own struggle with a brother now in prison for committing a violent crime.

A news team shows up scaring Tristan, Dory, and Sam. They’ve all been either subject to or potentially subject to public scrutiny, with no good results.

Tristan’s family has previously been the subject of a news team with horrible results.

Dory expects to be the talk of the town regarding her fiancés betrayal.

Sam had to live with the results of the hostage situation gone wrong replayed by the news again and again.

One of the reporters confronts Sam about his past.

Sam orders the news reporters to back off. Lives are at stake.

Con and another firefighter push the news reporters back.

Pressed by Con for answers to the reporter’s allegations, Sam tells Con the truth about his condition.

What Con doesn’t know is that Sam is at a dangerous crossroad. He can’t get a previous hostage situation out of his head. Neither can he let someone else die.

Con gets on the phone and calls for another hostage negotiator.

Tristan is increasingly agitated.

Dory, trying to calm Tristan down, tells him she knows how it feels to have your whole life go to hell. She tells him she has just seen her fiancé cheating on her on nationwide TV. She bursts into sobs.

Tristan comforts Dory.

LAYER. HOPE. Sam realizes that Tristan doesn’t want to hurt Dory or anyone else. He realizes that Tristan trusts Dory and that she is empathetic toward Tristan.

Sam tells Dory and Tristan that saving both of them is his mission.

Tristan calms down. He begins to trust Sam because Dory does.

Act 4:

FINAL PLAN. Sam tells Dory and Tristan that the best solution would be for him to take Tristan to the hospital and get him back on his medication.

Dory talks to Tristan as she would her friend. He likes the idea of going to the hospital, but when Dory tries to persuade him to get into the police unit, he resists. He’s afraid. A police unit is not an ambulance, it’s for taking criminals to jail. “I’m no criminal.”

Dory offers to get into the back of the police unit with Tristan and accompany him to the hospital.

Con rejects Dory’s suggestion outright. He wants Sam to wait for another negotiator.

Initially Sam resists the idea too, but seeing a way to get Dory out of Tristan’s clutches, he agrees to Dory’s plan.

He discusses a plan with an angry Con. The only thing Sam’s worried about is what kind of weapon Tristan might be holding and whether or not he will be willing to use it. Still, time is wasting. They need to do something fast.

CLIMAX/ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF THE CONFLICT. Dory persuades Tristan it’s safe to get into the backseat of the police unit with her. She promises to stay with him until he’s treated. That’s what friends do.

RESOLUTION. Dory leads Tristan by the hand to the police car. When she lets go of his hand to get into the backseat, it’s clear that he does not have a weapon in either hand.

This is good news to both Con and Sam. Sam’s plan is a go.

INT. POLICE UNIT – DAY

Dory gets in the backseat and moves over to the seat behind the driver. Tristan gets in, and Con closes the door after Tristan. Then without warning, Sam opens Dory’s door, pulls her to safety, and slams the door again, enclosing Tristan in the cage by himself.

EXT. POLICE UNIT – DAY

Dory falls into Sam’s arms.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE ACTIVITY CENTER

Jerry, Dory’s fiancé, shows up. He’s seen the hostage situation happening on TV.

The news reporters are all over him.

Jerry tries to get close to Dory. Over the reporters’ heads, he apologizes to her, denying that the other woman meant anything to him.

Con cuts him off. Con saw what Jerry did on nationwide TV.

Sam orders the news reporters back. He asks her if she wants Jerry to come any closer. She gives her consent.

In front of Jerry, Dory asks Con to cut off her engagement ring.

Con cuts off her engagement ring.

Dory returns the ring to Jerry and tells him she never wants to see him again.

Dory asks Sam if she can come with him and Tristan and the hospital, but Sam tells her it’s too dangerous. He’ll talk to her later. He gives her his mobile phone number.

INT. POLICE UNIT – DAY

Sam in the driver seat, takes off for the hospital with Tristan, alone and scared in the cage.

On the way, he notifies dispatch that the hostage situation is resolved. No backup required.

Sam parks the police unit.

Tristan, realizing he’s at the hospital and not the jail. He thanks Sam.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Sam finds a message from Dory. She wants to know how Tristan is.

Sam returns Dory’s phone call. He tells her that Tristan is fine. She doesn’t have to worry about a thing.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE ACTIVITY CENTER (TWO WEEKS LATER)

Tristan is on his medication and stable, happily cycling on the street. He passes by Dory, on her way to the swimming pool.

She panics, but Tristan doesn’t recognize her. Away he goes, happy as can be.

She smiles.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Budget

What I learned doing this assignment is I really need to pay attention to all the budget variables as I outlinem the script and later when I pitch the story.

For this assignment, assume the producer asked you to accomplish two opposite purposes – cut costs by 25% in one version and quadruple the budget in a second version.

Run through this list and tell us how many ways you might be able decrease the budget for your project if that was required.

I could decrease the budget by –

· Limiting the number of locations to two: Inside the pool area and in the street intersection.

· Limiting the number of characters to 5.

· Limiting the number of pages to 90.

· Limiting the crowd scene to twenty-five people.

· Eliminating all stunt scenes.

As it is, I do not need –

· Rights to music, brands, books, etc.

· Explosions and firearms.

· Kids

· Animals

· Weather

· Water and underwater scenes.

· Night scenes

· Helicopters or aircraft of any kind.

· Green screen work

· Extensive makeup

· Archival footage.

· Anything else dangerous.

If the budget were to be quadrupled, I could add –

· Three more locations.

· Two more characters.

· Kids in the swimming pool.

· Monsoon weather

· Night scenes.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel Writes Great Hope/Fear!

What I learned doing this assignment is how hope/fear works to create emotional engagements in my story. More and more my story is coming together. Yay!

4-Act structure of my story.

· Concept:

When a defenseless young woman is taken hostage by a mentally unstable man, she must rely on a police officer struggling with PTSD to negotiate her release. (27)

· Main Conflict

The hostage situation is the main conflict.

Act 1:

Opening. Introduce Dory and Tristan. <div>

FEAR, ANGER, DEPRESSION. Dory sees her fiancé kissing another woman on nationwide TV.

FEAR: Tristan wonders the streets of the campus. He’s off his medication and becoming paranoid.

HOPE: Dory, depressed after seeing her fiancé kissing another woman on nationwide TV, arrives at the campus Activity Center the next morning, where she manages the swimming pool, hoping for a distraction.

HOPE: Tristan, who has missed taking his medication, wonders about looking for someone to help him. He sees Dory in the Activity Center, thinks she’s a lifeguard, and asks her to help him.

The Inciting Incident is a Threat: Tristan approaches Dory, telling her he’s missed taking his medication. He’s afraid he might hurt someone.

FEAR: Dory asks Tristan how she can help him. Does he family? Increasingly anxious, Tristan refuses to let Dory call a family member.

HOPE: With Tristan’s permission, she calls 911 and asks for the fire department.

THREAT: Fire-fighter, Con, recognizes Tristan and knows him to be a paranoid schizophrenic. He encourages Tristan to go with him to the hospital, but Tristan doesn’t trust him and refuses.

Turning Point & FEAR: Tristan takes Dory hostage.

Act 2:

New plan. HOPE: Con calls campus police. </div><div>
</div><div>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>FEAR: Duncan, on desk duty because he is struggling with PTSD flashbacks, is the only available officer when Con’s call comes in. It’s an emergency, so he’s forced to respond.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>HOPE: Con’s relieved to know that Duncan is on his way.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”><b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>FEAR: Driving to the hostage scene, Duncan starts to experience PTSD symptoms. He starts perspiring heavily. He has difficulty catching his breath.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Midpoint Turning Point. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>FEAR. Tristan sees the police unit arrive and Duncan get out and talk to Con. The sight terrifies him. He uses Dory as a shield.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>FEAR. Seeing Tristan using Dory as a shield triggers a PTSD flashback in Duncan. He’s useless until Con snaps him out of it.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>HOPE: Dory coaxes out of Tristan that his mother and sister live in a nearby neighborhood. She conveys this information to Duncan, who now has a grip on himself.

Act 3:

Rethink everything. HOPE: Duncan sends for Tristan’s family members.</div><div>

New plan. HOPE: Only the daughter, Lilith, arrives on the scene. Duncan explains the situation to her and that he needs her to use her influence to get Tristan to release Dory. She agrees.

THREAT: Lilith tries to talk to Tristan into letting go of Dory. When he refuses, she loses her temper. All her anger over dealing with her mentally ill brother comes to the surface. The situation escalates.

THREAT: Lilith screams that she hopes the cops kill him.<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>FEAR: Tristan panics. He puts Dory in a strangle hold. Blood flows from a scratch at Dory’s throat. Tristan panics more. He hasn’t meant to hurt Dory. To Lilith: “Look what you made me do.” To Dory: “I’m so sorry.

Turning Point: HOPE: Duncan drags Lilith away.</div>

<div>

Act 4:

Final plan. HOPE: Duncan realizes that Tristan doesn’t want to hurt Dory or anyone else. He also realizes that Dory is empathetic toward Tristan. Duncan tells Dory that saving both of them is his mission.</div>

HOPE: Dory suggests to Tristan that he let Duncan take him to the hospital for medication.

FEAR: Tristan trusts Dory, but he doesn’t trust Duncan.

HOPE: Duncan suggests Dory accompany Tristan to the hospital in the police unit. As long as Dory goes with him, Tristan likes the idea. Dory agrees to the plan.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict. HOPE: Dory takes Tristan by the hand and leads him to the backseat of the police unit. Duncan persuades Tristan to get into the backseat of the police unit with Dory. She gets inside first and moves over to the seat behind the driver. Tristan follows her inside.

HOPE: Con slams the door behind Tristan. Simultaneously, Duncan opens Dory’s door and pulls her to safety.

FEAR: Tristan is in the cage in the back of the police unit alone.

HOPE: Safe now, Dory hugs Duncan.

HOPE: Duncan drives away with Tristan.

Resolution. HOPE & Acceptance: Con cuts Dory’s engagement ring off.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s 4 ACT Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is using the two step process is very freeing. It reminds me of doing brainstorming around a circle instead of a bulleted list. The plot is coming together. Yay!

First draft of my 4 Act Structure.

· Concept:

When a defenseless young woman is taken hostage by a mentally unstable man, she must rely on a police officer struggling with PTSD to negotiate her release. (27)

· Main Conflict

The hostage situation is the main conflict.

Act 1:

Opening. Introduce Dory and Tristan. Dory is depressed after seeing her fiancé kissing another woman on nationwide TV. Tristan, who has missed taking his medication, wonders about looking for someone he can trust.<div><b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
</div><div><b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Inciting Incident. At a campus activity center, an anxious Tristan seeks help from Dory. He’s missed taking his medication, and he’s afraid he might hurt someone. With Tristan’s permission, she calls 911 and asks for the fire department.<div><div>

Turning Point. Fire fighters respond. One of them, Con, recognizes Tristan and knows him to be a paranoid schizophrenic. He encourages Tristan to go with him to the hospital. In the end, Tristan doesn’t trust Con and refuses. He takes Dory hostage instead

Act 2:

New plan. Con calls the campus police for assistance. </div><div>
</div><div>

Plan in action. Introduce Duncan, a police officer on desk duty because he is struggling with PTSD flashbacks. He is compelled to answer Con’s call for help because he’s the only one in the station. On the way to the scene, he starts to experience PTSD symptoms. He starts perspiring. He has difficulty getting his breath.

Midpoint Turning Point. Tristan is scared of police officers. He’s had hurtful experiences with them. He uses Dory as a shield against Duncan. Duncan has a flashback that renders his useless for a full minute. Con goes nuts. Duncan comes out of it. Meanwhile, Dory coaxes out of Tristan that he lives in the nearby neighborhood with his mother and sister. She relays this information to Duncan, who is finally getting a grip.

Act 3:

Rethink everything. Duncan sends for Tristan’s family members.</div><div><b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
</div><div><b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>New plan. Only the daughter, Lilith, arrives on the scene. At first, she’s gung-ho to help Duncan but then when she starts to talk Tristan into letting go of Dory, she realizes that the situation could be an answer to both her and her mother’s prayers, a way to get rid of Tristan—death by cop. </div><div><b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
</div><div><b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Turning Point: Lilith escalates the situation, causing Tristan to panic and become more threatening. Duncan, barely holding onto his reason, removes Lilith from the scene.
</div><div>

Act 4:

Final plan. Duncan, finally relaxed, and Dory, beginning to feel genuine empathy for Tristan, are now talking and working together. Duncan indicates to her that maybe the best solution would be for her to accompany Tristan to the hospital, so he can get back on his medication. She agrees to the plan.</div>

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict. With Dory’s help, Duncan persuades Tristan to get into the backseat of the police unit with Dory. He promises to take them both to the hospital, so Tristan can be treated.

Resolution. Dory leads Tristan by the hand to the police car. She gets in the backseat and moves over to the seat behind the driver. Tristan gets in, and Con closes the door after Tristan. Then without warning, Duncan opens Dory’s door, pulls her to safety, and slams the door again, enclosing Tristan in the cage by himself. Tristan goes off to the hospital. Dory hugs Duncan. Con cuts Dory’s engagement ring off. Two weeks later, Dory sees Tristan healthy and happy, riding a bicycle on the campus street. He doesn’t recognize her.

</div></div>

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Delivering Multiple Layers.

What I learned doing this assignment is this: Considering multiple layers in terms of plot, character, and location not only adds interest to the story, but it also helps flesh out the outline of the story. I’m really getting excited.

These are the layers I’ve chosen.

Plot layers:

1.

· Surface layer. Lilith agrees to help police officer Duncan deescalate the hostage situation.

· Beneath that. Lilith actually wishes Tristan were dead.

· How revealed. When she escalates the situation, hoping Duncan will have to shoot Tristan.

2.

· Surface layer. Duncan convinces Dory and Tristan to enter the backseat of the police unit ostensibly to transport them to the hospital and get Tristan back on his medication before he hurts someone.

· Beneath that. Duncan wants to get Dory out of Tristan’s clutches.

· How revealed. When Dory obediently gets into the backseat and then Tristan, Duncan yanks Dory’s door open and pulls her to safety.

3.

· Surface layer. The police believe that Tristan has a knife in the hand he’s holding to Dory’s throat, so does she.

· Beneath that, Tristan is carrying nothing in his hand.

· How revealed. When he lets go of Dory, so she can get into the police unit, we realize that he’s carrying nothing in his hand.

4.

· Surface layer. Duncan displays perspiring, shaking, etc. Con thinks he may have food poisoning.

· Beneath that, Duncan has PTSD.

· How revealed. Duncan tells Con he can’t get a previous hostage situation out of his head.

5.

· Surface layer. All are strangers to one another except Tristan and Lilith.

· Beneath that, Con recognizes Tristan as someone he knew in college just before he had a psychotic break.

· How revealed. When Con arrives as a fire fighter, Con realizes immediately what he’s up against and calls the police to negotiate the situation.

Character Layers:

1.

· Surface layer. Dory is a competent swimming pool manager, used to cheerfully handling all kinds of people.

· Beneath that, Dory is depressed.

· How revealed. Dory tells Tristan she understands what it means to have your whole life go to hell. She tells him she has just seen her fiancé cheating on her on nationwide TV. She bursts into sobs.

2.

· Surface layer. Duncan is an effective police officer.

· Beneath that. Duncan has PTSD, the result of a previous, failed hostage negotiation.

· How revealed. He trembles, perspires heavily, covers his eyes to protect them from the flash of gunfire.

3.

· Surface layer. Lilith is a caring sister eager to help the police deescalate the hostage situation.

· Beneath that. Lilith hates Tristan and wants him dead.

· How revealed. She does everything she can to escalate the situation, so Duncan will shoot Tristan.

4.

· Surface layer. Con steps back from the negotiation.

· Beneath that. Con actually cares about everyone’s well-being.

· How revealed. Con drags Lilith away screaming, but once she is away from the hostage scene, he comforts her. He understands her frustration. He shares with her his own struggle with a brother now in prison for a violent crime.

· How revealed. Realizing Duncan shows symptoms of PTSD, Con counsels him, tries to convince him to either stand down or do what has to be done.

· How revealed. Knowing Dory’s background, having seen her fiancé on nationwide TV with another woman, he cuts off her engagement ring near the end of the story.

Location Layers:

1.

· Surface Layer. Police unit

· Beneath that. The vehicle represents a vehicle for transporting criminals to jail.

· Beneath that. The police unit becomes a sort of ambulance to transport Dory and Tristan to a hospital.

· Beneath that. The police unit is a place of rescue.

· How revealed. Dory and Tristan both enter the back seat (cage) of the police unit. At the last minute, Dory is pulled out of the police unit in one fell swoop. She is saved from Tristan. Tristan, still in the cage, travels to the hospital. He, too, is saved.

2.

· Surface layer. Swimming pool.

· Beneath that. It’s a place of recreation and freedom.

· How revealed. At the start of the story, Dory is cleaning up toys left by children the day before. Later, she swims laps.

3.

· Surface layer. Swimming pool.

· Beneath that. It’s a place where drowning and death are possible.

· How revealed. Tristan comes on the scene and makes Dory get out of the pool and stay far away from it because he’s afraid she’ll drown. He doesn’t want her to die.

4.

· Surface layer. Street intersection.

· Beneath that. The street is where the hostage situation plays out. Almost everyone involved is at one kind of crossroad or another.

· How revealed. Tristan wants to be medicated, so he doesn’t hurt anyone. He’s also clearly terrified of everyone offering help, except Dory.

· How revealed. Dory wavers between wanting to die and wanting to live.

· How revealed. Duncan battles PTSD as he tries to negotiate Tristan’s surrender.

· How revealed. At first Lilith agrees to help the police. Then she wants Tristan dead and tries to escalate the hostage situation.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Character Journeys

What I learned doing this assignment is that by figuring out the character’s journeys, I’m also figuring out the story’s plot. An outline is beginning to take shape.

Concept Hook – mental illness

3-Act Structure of each main character’s journey.

Act Journey for Dory: She represents depression in this story, may even be suicidal.

Beginning: Depressed after seeing her fiancé on nationwide television kissing another woman, Dory is barely putting one foot in front of another when she is taken hostage at a university activity center by Tristan.

Turning Point: While talking to Tristan, she learns that he is mentally unstable and needs medication before he hurts someone. Tristan really doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He agrees for Dory to call the fire department for help.

Dilemma: When Dory is on the phone after dialing 911, she must decide whether to alert the police or to do as Tristan wants and just call for the fire department.

Midpoint: Dory is caught between Tristan and Lilith. Lilith wants Tristan dead by cop. If she gets her way Dory will also be a casualty.

Turning Point 2: Duncan has Lilith dragged away. Tristan calms down.

Dilemma: Dory hears Duncan’s suggestion that they should all go to the hospital in the back of the police car. She must decide either to go along with the plan or to wait for an ambulance.

3rd Act Climax: Dory convinces Tristan to get into the police car. She gets in first. He follows her. As soon as Tristan’s door closes, Duncan opens Dory’s door and pulls her out. She feels betrayed… then grateful. The police car drives away, heading to the hospital with Tristan.

Ending: Dory asks Con to cut off her engagement ring. She’s free from Tristan. She’s free from her cheating boyfriend. She’s ready to live again all by herself.

Act Journey for Tristan:

Beginning: At the Activity Center, he bumps into Dory and fears she will fall into the swimming pool and drown. She assures him she knows how to swim. He confides in her that he’s afraid he’s going to hurt someone because he’s late taking his medication, scaring her.

Dilemma: He must decide whether to trust Dory and receive help from an outside authority or to hide until his mother returns home.

Turning Point: Something about Dory is trustworthy, so he agrees to let her call the fire department to help him, but not the police.

Midpoint: He doesn’t trust the fireman, Con, because he has blue eyes and because he grew up with Con and remembers a fight they had when they were kids, which he won—totally irrational. But when the policeman arrives in the form of Duncan, he is willing to trust Duncan’s brown eyes, despite the fact that Duncan is starting to fall apart (PTSD flashbacks) when he discovers the call is a hostage situation.

Turning Point 2: Tristan panics at the sight of Lilith’s arrival. She’s his sister who hates him for all the trouble he’s caused the family. When she tells Tristan she hopes he dies by police officer, he holds onto Dory even tighter. Duncan gets Lilith out of there. Tristan starts to believe Duncan is on his side.

3rd Act Climax: Tristan allows Dory and Duncan to convince him to get into the back of Duncan’s police unit. He agrees as long as she goes with him. She agrees. They both get into the police car. But then when Duncan grabs Dory out of the car, he’s all alone and scared as the police car drives away.

Ending: Now on medication, he’s happily cycling on a street. He passes by Dory and doesn’t recognize her. Away he goes.

Act Journey for Duncan:

Beginning: Duncan arrives on the scene at Con’s request. He realizes he’s got a hostage situation and almost immediately has a PTSD flashback.

Turning Point: Against his and Con’s better judgment, Duncan decides to risk falling to go ahead with the hostage negotiation. The fact that he has brown eyes is what makes it important.

Dilemma: Does he continue on his own with the hostage negotiation, or call someone else in, who might or might not be able to win Tristan’s confidence.

Midpoint: Duncan locates Lilith, Tristan’s sister. When she arrives on the scene, he tells her exactly what he wants her to do. She does just the opposite, hoping Duncan will kill Tristan. Duncan has her dragged away.

Turning Point 2: Duncan tells Tristan he’d like to give him a ride to the hospital to get his medication. After much discussion, Tristan agrees to get in the police car as long as Dory goes with him. Duncan agrees.

3rd Act Climax: After Duncan gets Tristan into the back of his police unit, he goes around to Dory’s side, opens her door, pulls her out, and slams the door shut again, penning Tristan inside alone.

Ending: Duncan holds Dory for a moment, comforts her, then gets into the police unit and drives away with Tristan.

Act Journey for Con:

Beginning: Con responds to Dory’s 911 call.

Turning Point: Con recognizes Tristan as someone he grew up with. He knows Tristan has paranoid schizophrenia.

Dilemma: Tristan doesn’t trust Con because he has blue eyes. Tells him to go away. Con must decide whether he will try to continue with the hostage negotiation by himself or call in the police against Tristan’s will.

Midpoint: Con realizes that Duncan is struggling with something that looks like PTSD and urges him to call someone else to the scene. But then when Duncan successfully handles Lilith’s removal, he decides to let Duncan run with it.

Turning Point 2: He discusses strategies with Duncan. They come up with the idea of tricking Tristan into getting into the police unit.

3rd Act Climax: Con helps Duncan get Tristan into the backseat of the police unit and rescue Dory at the same time.

Ending: Con cuts off Dory’s engagement ring.

Act Journey for Lilith:

Beginning: She is brought to the scene by Con.

Turning Point: When she sees her brother in the middle of a hostage situation, she hopes he dies at the hands of the police.

Dilemma: She must decide whether to do as Duncan tells her and help negotiate an end to the hostage situation or whether to follow her own scheme and try to steer the situation into a gun battle which would likely kill Tristan.

Midpoint: She engages in a conversation with Tristan designed to scare him and cause him to invite police action.

Turning Point 2: She is shut up by Duncan before Tristan does harm to Dory.

3rd Act Climax: She is dragged away from the scene by a bystander.

Ending: She disappears from the story.

[Madeleine Vessel]

“What I learned doing this assignment is by brainstorming with the ScreenwritingU criteria, I’ve been able to get a better feel for my characters, their motivations, their secrets, and there struggles. Now, I know which story I’ll be going forward with…finally!

1. With each of your characters, go through all of these questions to see which might fit for your story.

Internal Character Depth – Dory

Motivation: She wants to live.Secret: She’s the fiancé of a famous baseball player.Wound: The baseball player has cheated on her. Subtext:Layers:<div>

Character to character – Dory

Conflict: Conflict with Tristan, who took her captive. Previous conflict with Duncan with whom she had differences during a questioning. Hidden Agenda: She wants to disappear. She may even have a death wish.Conspiracy: She conspires with Duncan to negotiate the hostage situation.Intrigue (underhanded activity hidden under the surface). Tristan wants her to take him to the hospital. She says she will, but she doesn’t mean it. She’s really afraid of him.</div><div>

Character Situation – Dory

Dilemma: Does she just do what Tristan tells her to do or does she act on her own initiative?Secret Identity: She’s a famous baseball player’s fiancé.</div><div>

Internal Character Depth – Tristan

Motivation: He wants to get his injection before he hurts someone.Secret: He has paranoid schizophreniaWound: He developed the disease midway through college and could not finish his education. There is nothing he can do.Subtext: He is hiding from his mother and sister who always get mad at him.Layers:</div><div>

Character to character

Conflict: He’s in conflict with his sister and mother and with the cops. He’s had a bad experience with them before.Hidden Agenda: He doesn’t want to go to an insane asylum.Conspiracy: He thinks he’s conspiring with Dory. He tells her not to trust anyone with blue eyes.</div>

<div>

Intrigue:

Character Situation

Dilemma: He must choose to trust Dory to make the right decision for both of them or continue the stand-off on his own until he’s shot.Secret Identity:</div><div>

Internal Character Depth – Duncan

Motivation: Duncan needs to defuse the hostage situation; he wants to hide his PTSDSecret: He has PTSD.Wound: He feels guilty about losing two people in a previous hostage situation.</div><div>

Subtext: He’s trying to hide his PTSD.Layers:

Character to character

Conflict: He’s in conflict with Con, who suspects he’s unwell.Xthe baseball player betrayal.</div><div>

Conspiracy: He conspires with Lilith, but she betrays him.Intrigue: Lilith wants to use him to kill Tristan.

Character Situation

Dilemma: He must decide to either step down and call for someone else to take over or to see this hostage negotiation through.</div><div>

Secret Identity:

Internal Character Depth – Con

Wound: When Tristan was well, he hurt Con.Secret: He grew up with Tristan and knew him before he was diagnosed with schizophrenia.</div>

Subtext: Tristan doesn’t recognize him.

<div>

Layers:

Character to character

Conflict: Battling a conflict with Tristan.Hidden Agenda: He wants to save Dory because he likes her.Conspiracy: He conspires with Duncan to resolve the situation.Intrigue: He bears a grudge against Tristan.</div><div>

Character Situation

Dilemma: Whether to let Tristan be arrested or try to help get him to the hospital.Secret Identity: He was once a friend of Tristan before they had a falling out.

2. With each character, create a simple profile.

Character: Dory (Gift from God) Quintrell (horn or headland)

· Secret: She’s wearing an engagement ring only because she can’t get it off her finger.

· Wound: She saw her fiancé on nationwide TV with another woman.

· Motivation: She wants to live.

· Hidden Agenda:

· Dilemma: Should she fight to save her life, which really sucks right now, or give up completely.

· Conspiracy: She conspires with Duncan to convince Tristan to get into a police unit.

Character: Tristan (Sad) Holmes (Island)

· Secret: He has paranoid schizophrenia

· Wound: He had to drop of college before earning his degree in forestry.

· Motivation: He wants to get back on his medicine, so he won’t hurt anyone.

· Hidden Agenda:

· Dilemma: Trust Dora and the policeman and surrender or resist surrendering.

· Conspiracy: He conspires with Dora to save her and himself.

Character: Lilith (night monster) Holmes (Island) Tristan’s younger sister.

· Secret: She wants Tristan out of her life.

· Wound: Tristan gets all of her mother’s attention because he’s sick.

· Motivation: Embarrassment, poverty

· Hidden Agenda: She wants Tristan dead.

· Dilemma: Try to convince Tristan to let go of Dory or convince him to hang on to Dory until he gets shot.

· Conspiracy: She pretends to conspire with police officer to help rescue Dory.

Character: Duncan (Dark Warrior) Lewis (Leader)

· Secret: He has PTSD

· Wound: He was in a previous hostage situation where everything went wrong. Everyone died except him.

· Motivation: He’s motivated to keep his job and to get past his PTSD. The only way he can do that is succeed with this hostage negotiation.

· Hidden Agenda:

Dilemma: Wait for another police officer to take over for him and risk losing Dory or act and lose everyone because of his flashbacks.Conspiracy:</div><div>

Character: Con (Hero) Armstrong (man with strong arms)

· Secret: He knows Duncan’s history.

· Wound: He knew Tristan before he developed the disease. Once they were friends then they had a falling out. He can relate to Lilith.

· Motivation: He wants to save Dory. He could care less about Tristan.

· Hidden Agenda:

Dilemma: Does he call for another policeman and risk Dory and Tristan’s lives, or does he give Duncan the chance to prove himself?</div><div>

Conspiracy: He conspires with Duncan about how to save both Dory and Tristan.

Conflicts that can emerge from these characters:

· Duncan and Con will be at odds over how to approach the situation.

· Duncan and Lilith will be at odds over how to approach Tristan.

· Dory will have an issue with Duncan for allowing Lilith on the scene.

· Dory will have an issue with Tristan because he’s taken her hostage.

</div>

[Madeleine Vessel]

What I learned doing this assignment is that all my main characters suffer from some form of mental illness. A paranoid schizophrenic, off his medication, triggers the story when he takes an emotionally vulnerable woman hostage. How the story ends depends upon how successfully the police officer, battling PTSD, negotiates the hostage situation.

My story has three main characters:

A young man with recently diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia. He is right for this story because he is the hostage taker, not for criminal reasons, but because he is afraid. His fear is what triggers the story.

A woman, who is depressed after being betrayed by her fiancé on nationwide television. She is right for this story because although she’s had a major life setback, she is intrinsically approachable, empathetic, perceptive, and impartial. She will try to mediate between her hostage-taker and the police officer, who is trying to resolve the situation.

A policeman struggling with PTSD flashbacks. He is the right for this story because he is logical. He prefers to appeal to reason before threatening force, violation, and intimidation. The problem he has is judging when reason has failed, and force is necessary. A month earlier, faced with a similar situation, he waited too long to act. As a result, he was shot, the hostage was shot, and the hostage-taker was shot. It was a disaster. Now, he is experiencing disturbing flashbacks as a result of it.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Doing this assignment, I learned that studying the concepts of already produced movies with similar components to my story idea can give me direction on how to tweak my idea to develop a unique high concept of my own.

This process worked well for me. Switching components in my ideas and thinking about similar movies in my genre helped me find a hook and high concepts for two of my story ideas. Now, I need to decide on one of the following:

Idea 1:

A. Contained Movie Environment: Fishing boat on a big lake (Lake Tahoe/Elephant Butte Lake).

B. Contained Characters: Four people who have hit rock bottom. Three are in the fishing boat. The other is in command of a large cabin cruiser.

C. Difficult Situation: The maniac on the cabin cruiser threatens the fishing boat occupants. The fishing boat can’t get away from the big cabin cruiser.

D. Reason for containment: The person in the large boat wants revenge against one of the fishing boat occupants.

E. Unique Device: Ticking clock. The people in the fishing boat are given a time limit to decide whether to die with the object of the maniac’s revenge or to find a way to stop the maniac from succeeding.

F. Unique Monster/Villain: A person bent on revenge.

G. Mystery: Why is the maniac seeking revenge.

H. Impossible goal/Unsolvable problem: How do the occupants of the fishing boat avoid being killed by the maniac?

I. Unique layers: Every person on the fishing boat is considering taking revenge on someone for one reason or another.

Idea 2:

A. Contained Movie Environment: neighborhood swimming pool.

B. Contained Characters: A paranoid schizophrenic, a swimming pool lifeguard, a fireman, and a police officer with PTSD.

C. Difficult Situation: The paranoid schizophrenic is off his medication and is afraid he will hurt someone. The police officer is hanging onto his own composure by a thread.

D. Reason for containment: The paranoid schizophrenic, on the verge of a psychotic break, seizes the lifeguard.

E. Hook. Now, it’s a hostage situation. Adding to the problem, the police officer in charge of negotiation has PTSD.

F. Unique Device: Ticking clock. The problem must be solved before hostage-taker has a psychotic break and harms the lifeguard. The police officer, who suffers from PTSD after a gunfight, must keep his temper in check.

G. Unique Monster/Villain: Mental illness.

H. Mystery: Why does the paranoid schizophrenic take the lifeguard hostage?

I. Impossible goal/Unsolvable problem: The problem is to convince the man to let go of the lifeguard and surrender into police custody before anyone is harmed.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel’s Guidelines for Flightplan

Assignment Part 1: Select Your Project

What I learned doing this assignment is there’s a difference between contained and COVID contained. I also learned that many already released movies could have been produced using COVID containment guidelines. Very cool!

I narrowed my original five ideas to one, using COVID containment criteria.

My main focus was on the need for the story to be unique and to be pitchable in one or two sentences. I also looked for few characters, simple sets, and minimal use of extras, animals and children.

Assignment Part II: Adjust a Produced Movie to Covid guidelines.

I chose to adjust Flightplan (2005), starring Jodie Foster. This movie is pretty contained already in terms of number of locations. Still, changes could be made to make it conform to COVID criteria.

Here’s what I found.

TITLE: Flightplan

AS THEY DID IT:

A. People. 28 cast members.

B. Stunts. No stunts. But explosions at the end of the movie.

C. Extras. Over 300 extras: passengers on the plane, people in the airport terminal, people in the airport after debarking.

D. Wardrobe. Light wardrobe choices. light wardrobe choices. Only those that an actor could put on themselves, without attention from a wardrobe person.

E. Hair and Makeup. Minimal and easy to apply.

F. Kids and Animals. Three child actors. No animals.

G. Quarantine – No quarantine.

COVID GUIDELINE VERSION:

A. People. Remains the same.

B. Stunts. Remain the same.

C. Extras. Eliminate 150 extras by shooting the terminal scenes before and after the plane and the seated passenger scenes at the same time.

D. Wardrobe. Remains the same.

E. Hair and makeup left to the individual actors and extras themselves.

F. Kids and Animals. Remains the same. But shooting would need to do all child scenes after the same quarantining.

G. Quarantine. Construct plane set before shooting, using workers who have quarantined 2 weeks before the build. Quarantine crew and actors two weeks before shooting. Quarantine extras 2 weeks before terminal and plane scenes.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Idea 1

A. Contained Movie Environment: A funeral parlor

B. Contained Characters: Mourners (Family & Friends)

C. Difficult Situation: Deceased was murdered

D. Reason for containment: Rosary vigil

Idea 2

A. Contained Movie Environment: Line Cabin

B. Contained Characters: A man and a woman

C. Difficult Situation: Two people trapped together whose relationship is stormy.

D. Reason for containment: Blizzard

Idea 3

A. Contained Movie Environment: Rowboat on a Lake

B. Contained Characters: Three people whose lives have hit rock bottom.

C. Difficult Situation: A maniac on a big inboard boat threatening them.

D. Reason for containment: The man in the inboard boat is a bully with a grudge against one of the people on the boat.

Idea 4

A. Contained Movie Environment: Neighborhood swimming pool

B. Contained Characters: A paranoid schizophrenic and a swimming pool manager

C. Difficult Situation: He’s off his medication and is afraid he will hurt someone.

D. Reason for containment: Afraid of the fire fighters there to help him, the mentally ill man has taken the pool manager hostage.

Idea 5

A. Contained Movie Environment: Auto Wrecking Yard

B. Contained Characters: An auto wrecker, a young woman, and a ghost

C. Difficult Situation: Only the young woman sees the ghost. She wants to be free. The woman has to convince the mechanic to break down the car the ghost died in before it’s hauled away.

D. Reason for containment: The ghost is there because she died in a car wreck. The woman is there because she is taking care of the auto wreckers horses. The auto wrecker is there because he has a deadline to meet to finish disassembling the cars.

[Madeleine Vessel]

1. Madeleine’ analysis of DEAD POET SOCIETY:
2. What is the change this movie is about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie?

This movie is about resisting conformity and thinking for ourselves. The transformational journey is the movement of Keating’s students from doing and thinking what they are told to do and think to being freed to do and think what they want to do with their lives.

The journey takes the boys from staying and safe to being risk-takers.

2. Lead characters:

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3. Who is the Change Agent (the one causing the change) and what makes this the right character to cause the change?

Keating is the Change Agent. He’s the right choice because he’s the boy’s teacher and because he’s gone before them in this in becoming a free thinker.

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2. Who is the Transformable Character (the one who makes the change) and what makes them the right character to deliver this profound journey?

All the boys, except Cameron, are transformed, but Todd is changed the most. He goes from being voiceless to being a poet and a leader.

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2. What is the Oppression?

The Oppression is Welton Academy and its four pillars:

Tradition! Honor! Discipline! Excellence!

The Oppression is also the boys’ parents who want to control what they do and what they think for one selfish reason or another.

3. How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to connect with this story?

We are lured into the profound journey by the boys who will resurrect the DEAD POETS SOCIETY.

We connect with this society first through their relationships with their parents. At least one of these relationships will strike a chord with the viewers.

4. Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the profound journey? From “old ways” to “new way of being.” Identify their old way: Identify their new way at the conclusion:

Todd goes from being unable to speak above a whisper to speaking aloud a poem that astonishes everyone. He has found his voice. In the end, he is the only one who doesn’t sign Nolan’s paper accusing Keating.

5. What is the gradient the change? What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were changing?

Keating has three of the boys walk around the soccer field. At first they are walking to the beat of their own rhythm. But after a quick while, they are walking in unison. They are conforming.

First they wake up. Second they explore. Third they find their own voices.

Neil auditions for a play and gets the part. He LOVES acting. His father finds out. In the middle of the play he snatches him away and drags him home, telling him he will now be going to military school. Neil defies his father one last time, committing suicide with his fathers gun. He goes from death to life to death before he graduates.

Charlie invites two townie girls to the cave with the hope of getting laid. Instead he learns the difference between sex and romance.

Charlie writes an article in the school newspaper that calls for girls at Welton Academy. He gets beaten for his trouble and threatened with the dismissal of his friends involved in the Dead Poets Society if he doesn’t name them and then make a public confession.

Knox goes to an unchaperoned party at the home of one of his father’s friends to get closer to Chris. A BEAUTIFUL GIRL. He’s brazen enough to touch Chris in erotic ways while she’s making out with her boyfriend then gets beaten up by the boyfriend. Knox invites Chris to the DEAD POETS SOCIETY and wins the girl.

Todd, who couldn’t speak above a whisper in the beginning finds his voice in poetry stands up in defiance at the end of the movie, leading the other boys, except Cameron, to stand on their desks in silent salute to Mr. Keating.

6. How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?

The old way is challenged when Keating tells the boys, “Seize the Day!” And they decide to do it.

7. What are the most profound moments of the movie?

When Todd refuses to sign the complaint against Mr. Keating, despite pressure from the school and his parents.

8. What are the most profound lines of the movie?

For me, these are the most profound lines of the movie:

“Ah, but the difficulty of ignoring those

creeds and schools, conditioned as

we are by our parents, our

traditions, by the modern age. How

do we, like Whitman, permit our own

true natures to speak? How do we

strip ourselves of prejudices,

habits, influences? The answer, my

dear lads, is that we must

constantly endeavor to find a new

point of view.”

9. How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?

At the beginning of the movie, the boys arrive with their parents and are introduced to the school’s 4 pillars: Tradition! Honor! Discipline! Excellence! This is chanted by all the boys in the school.

At the end of the movie, the members of the Dead Poets Society, except for Cameron, stand on their own on their desk tops in silent salute to Mr. Keating.

10. What is the Profound Truth of this movie?

Everyone has a unique voice.

We don’t all have to walk to the beat of the same drummer.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine’s Lead Characters

What I learned doing this assignment:

1. Tell us your transformational journey logline.

A self-sufficient woman’s life is upended when her uncle is murdered by a person unknown, and she must accept help from a childhood foe.

2. Tell us who you think might be your Change Agent and give a few sentences about how that character fits the role. Also, include: – Their vision: – Their past experience that fits that vision:

The CHANGE AGENT is the story’s antagonist, the villain who shoots and kills the protagonist’s uncle. Owen Curtis is a proud man who acts out of fear of losing his hard one reputation as a prominent and wealthy citizen. He kills the protagonist’s uncle to keep his previous killings from coming to light. Then when Anna-Maude becomes a threat, he goes after her, too.

3. Tell us who you think might be your Transformable Character(s) and give a few sentences about how that character or characters fit the role.

The TRANSFORMABLE CHARACTER is my protagonist. Anna-Maude is a self-sufficient woman who gets by on her own talents and strengths until her uncle is murdered.

4. Tell us who or what you think might be The Oppression and give a few sentences about how The Oppression works in your story.

The OPPRESSION is the act of murder and the knowledge that the murderer is unknown and still at large. It gets worse when Anna-Maude comes under personal attack.

5. Tell us who you think might be your Betraying Character and give a few sentences about how that character fits the role.

My BETRAYING CHARACTER is Delinda Cross, the murderer’s daughter. She was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. She has lived the good life and been respectable largely on account of how people view her father.

She cannot accept that her father is a MURDERER or that SHE WILL BE FOREVER KNOWN AS A MURDERER’S DAUGHTER.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi, Jack–

I will be happy to exchange pilots with you. I’ll contact you at your email address. My email is madeleinevessel@mac.com

My bible is not ready for review right now.

[Madeleine Vessel]

Madeleine Vessel is ready to exchange Feedback on the pilot.

If you’re interested, let me know.

Title: LEGACY OF THIEVES

Genre: Thriller

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi Jim,

Just so you know, I already partnered with Dana.

All the best,

Madeleine

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi Jim,

Would you like to exchange with me? My ten pages are for a thriller.

I see that your ten pages are for a faith based drama.

While I don’t write dramas, I do like watching dramas.

I can use the drama conventions to comment on your project.

Let me know what you think.

Madeleine

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi Dana,

Thank you for your suggestions! Appreciate any help I can get.

Take care,

Madeleine

[Madeleine Vessel]

Dana,

I posted my feedback below–after your ten pages.

I enjoyed the read. Really want to find out what happens in the end.

All the best,

Madeleine

[Madeleine Vessel]

No brutality. Just constructive criticism 🙂

I look forward to any advice you may have that will help improve my ten pages.

All the best,

Madeleine

[Madeleine Vessel]

Hi Dana,

Yes, let’s work together. I’ll take a look at your posting this afternoon and get back to you as soon as possible with my observations, reactions, etc.

All the best,

Madeleine