Haley Chambers
Forum Replies Created
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Haley Chambers’ Character Action Tracks
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS… You can add so much more character intrigue by having your characters take interesting actions. This will also help to define them from other characters.
ACT 1: Charlie is late for work due to a series of unfortunate events: wakes up late, can’t find his medication, lets the phone ring, misses the bus, starts raining and is splashed by a car, etc.
CHARLIE ACTION: These unfortunate events put Charlie in a stressful and relatable situation. He is a clumsy person, so he only adds to his misfortune. However, after missing the bus and getting splashed by a passing car, he looks into a rain puddle, and sees an artistic scene in the oil spill. This shows how he views the world in a creative way, and is very optimistic despite being put through it.
INCITING INCIDENT: Charlie is late to work, where he is yelled at by his mean boss. He is told he must take the holiday night shift or he is fired.
CHARLIE ACTION: Because of his self deprecating nature and social awkwardness, Charlie accepts defeat easily and apologizes while trying to get out of the spotlight.
TURNING POINT 1: While on his nightshift at the sandwich shop, Charlie is chased into a broom closet by a nightmare, where he discovers the Dream Factory.
CHARLIE ACTION: He panics and doesn’t fight back against the nightmare. He is a coward and hides in the broom closet and clings to a mop bucket.
HIDDEN LAYER: This cowardice action of running and hiding mimics his childhood when he would run and hide from his abusive mom.
ACT 2: Lionel Crowfoot, the Recruiter of the Dream Factory, recruits Charlie to return to the Dream Factory to learn how to combat his nightmare.
NEW PLAN: In order to gain back his peaceful sleep and rid himself of his nightmares, Charlie decides to return to the Dream Factory.
CHARLIE ACTION: When in the Dream Factory, Charlie is flustered and fearful. He is overwhelmed easily and constantly looking in every direction. He is also fascinated with the mechanics of how everything works.
PLAN IN ACTION: Charlie enters the Dream Factory and learns how to use his good dreams to combat his nightmares. He misses shifts at the sandwich shop as a result. He struggles to fight his nightmares, and in fear of them, he quits and leaves the Dream Factory.
CHARLIE ACTION: Charlie quickly struggles to combat nightmares because of his self doubt. There is no belief or confidence in his fighting, and his instinct is to run and hide.
MIDPOINT TURNING POINT: Charlie gets into a fight with Rosie, and realizes that she has been covering for all of the shifts he missed. He decides to tell her about the Dream Factory. She doesn’t believe him.
ACT 3: Charlie walks home defeated. For the next few weeks, he shows up to work on time, never misses a shift, but is generally unhappy.
CHARLIE ACTION: Instead of facing his nightmares in the Dream Factory, Charlie chooses to avoid them by returning to the real world.
RETHINK EVERYTHING: Charlie runs into Henry, a homeless man at the bus stop who looks exactly like Lionel Crowfoot.
Charlie begins to realize that the Dream Factory is not what it seems.
CHARLIE ACTION: Charlie’s curiosity leads him to having a conversation with a stranger. He is not assertive and accusatory, he simply approaches Homeless Henry as if he were a friend.
NEW PLAN: Find out what the Dream Factory really is. Charlie decides to return to the Dream Factory, which means facing his fears.
TURNING POINT 3: Nightmares begin to flood into the Dream Factory.
CLIMAX: Charlie enters the Founder’s Clock Tower in the Dream Factory, to confront the Founder, who turns out to be himself.
CHARLIE ACTION: His big hero moment is not some grand combat showdown, because it is not one of his strengths. He is not a fighter, he is a person with a big heart. When he is faced with his past, he is able to compliment and have kindness for his younger self. He realizes that he should have more kindness to himself.
When faced against his nightmare, he instead approaches it with love, instead of fighting it off like he has been taught.
RESOLUTION: Charlie returns to the sandwich shop with a new sense of self love and understanding.
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Haley Chambers’ New Outline Beats
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS… in order to tell a story that makes sense, everything must be in a well oiled cause and effect sequence.
*This might look confusing, but it is more for me to understand right now, I still am working on perfecting it.
OUTLINE:
ACT 1: Charlie wakes from a nightmare, to find he is late for work. He faces the struggles of everyday as he commutes to work at the sandwich shop.
INCITING INCIDENT: Charlie is late to work, where he is yelled at by his mean boss. He is told he must take the holiday night shift or he is fired. Charlie avoids a call from his mother.
TURNING POINT 1: While on his nightshift at the sandwich shop, Charlie is chased into a broom closet by a nightmare, where he discovers the Dream Factory.
ACT 2: Lionel Crowfoot, the Recruiter of the Dream Factory, recruits Charlie to return to the Dream Factory to learn how to combat his nightmare.
NEW PLAN: In order to gain back his peaceful sleep and rid himself of his nightmares, Charlie decides to return to the Dream Factory. He struggles to fight his nightmares, and in fear of them, he quits and leaves the Dream Factory.
PLAN IN ACTION: Charlie enters the Dream Factory and learns how to use his good dreams to combat his nightmares. He misses shifts at the sandwich shop as a result. He struggles to fight his nightmares, and in fear of them, he quits and leaves the Dream Factory.
MIDPOINT TURNING POINT: Charlie gets into a fight with Rosie, and realizes that she has been covering for all of the shifts he missed. He decides to tell her about the Dream Factory. She doesn’t believe him.
ACT 3: Charlie walks home defeated. For the next few weeks, he shows up to work on time, never misses a shift, but is generally unhappy.
RETHINK EVERYTHING: Charlie runs into Henry, a homeless man at the bus stop who looks exactly like Lionel Crowfoot.
Charlie begins to realize that the Dream Factory is not what it seems.
NEW PLAN: Find out what the Dream Factory really is. Charlie decides to return to the Dream Factory, which means facing his fears.
TURNING POINT 3: Nightmares begin to flood into the Dream Factory.
CLIMAX: Charlie enters the Founder’s Clock Tower in the Dream Factory, to confront the Founder, who turns out to be himself.
RESOLUTION: Charlie returns to the sandwich shop with a new sense of self love and understanding.
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Haley Chambers’ Deeper Layer!
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS… Deeper layers are a good way to add depth to a story, and show off a writer’s talent for meaningful/complex stories.
Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
SURFACE LAYER: Charlie has discovered a secret factory for manufacturing the world’s dreams. We believe Charlie’s nightmare is a physical threat that must be stopped for the sake of the sleepers getting their dreams.
DEEPER LAYER: The Dream Factory is a figment of Charlie’s imagination, or you could call it… just a dream. All the people he has interacted with from the dream factory are just characters he has created based on real people he knows.
MAJOR REVEAL: Not sure yet.
INFLUENCES SURFACE STORY: The Dream Factory isn’t real. The characters Charlie meets are based off people he knows from the real world. Charlie’s nightmare is really just his childhood trauma reemerging with his mother’s recent calls.
HINTS: Henry at the bus stop feeding crows, Charlie’s sketches, Dream Factory appears when his mother calls. The people in the Dream Factory never interact with people from reality.
CHANGES REALITY: We see Charlie as a lucky boy who discovers the dream factory, to realizing he is actually a very wounded and unlucky person who struggles with his past of childhood abuse.
Beginning: Charlie volunteers to cover his coworker’s shift who he is secretly in love with. He ignores a call from his distant mother.
Inciting Incident: While on this shift, a nightmarish creature chases Charlie into the storeroom closet, where he exits into the Dream Factory.
Turning Point 1: Charlie is visited by Lionel Crowfoot, the Dream Factory recruiter, who x.
Act 2: Not Sure Yet
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Charlie sees Lionel Crowfoot at the bus stop, and confronts him. However, the homeless man Charlie speaks with is actually named Henry. Charlie is very confused, but this is the first clue that the Dream Factory is just a figment of Charlie’s imagination. Charlie has a meaningful conversation with Henry.
Act 3: Not Sure Yet
Turning Point 3: Nightmares begin to flood into the Dream Factory. Charlie decides the only way to stop them is to confront the Dream Founder.
Act 4 Climax: When confronting the Dream Founder, Charlie realizes that the founder is himself, and is launched into his own nightmare, his childhood trauma, where he meets his younger child self. Through this immersive flashback, Charlie tells his younger self just how special he is (despite being told otherwise by his parents), and notices his younger self’s drawings, specifically those of characters like Lionel Crowfoot and Mr. Moon. This not only causes Charlie to realize how special he currently is, but how his younger self created the Dream Factory to escape his childhood trauma.
Resolution: Charlie calls his mother, who he has been avoiding. Charlie quits his job to pursue his passion of art, and asks Rosie to dinner. He hosts a dinner party for Mr. Watson, Henry, and Rosie. -
Haley Chambers’ Character Structure
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS… Antagonists and protagonists character arcs don’t have to match up. By matching the protagonists arc to the 4 acts of the story, the movie will have a natural flow.
Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
PROTAGONIST: “Charlie”
Beginning: A sandwich shop employee who is filled with self-doubt and childhood trauma. He is secretly in love with his coworker, but too afraid to express it. He is a talented artist in his free time, but doesn’t have the motivation or confidence to pursue it.
Middle: He has found himself in a situation where he must confront the childhood trauma he has been avoiding. This causes him to realize the Dream Factory is just a figment of his imagination.
End: Despite the Dream Factory not being a real place, Charlie has made real friends, comes to terms with his childhood trauma, pursues his art and quits his job, and expresses his love to his coworker.
Beginning: Charlie volunteers to cover his coworker’s shift who he is secretly in love with. He ignores a call from his distant mother.
Inciting Incident: While on this shift, a nightmarish creature chases Charlie into the storeroom closet, where he exits into the Dream Factory.
Turning Point 1: Charlie is visited by Lionel Crowfoot, the Dream Factory recruiter, who x.
Act 2: Not Sure Yet
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Charlie sees Lionel Crowfoot at the bus stop, and confronts him. However, the homeless man Charlie speaks with is actually named Henry. Charlie is very confused, but this is the first clue that the Dream Factory is just a figment of Charlie’s imagination. Charlie has a meaningful conversation with Henry.
Act 3: Not Sure Yet
Turning Point 3: Nightmares begin to flood into the Dream Factory. Charlie decides the only way to stop them is to confront the Dream Founder.
Act 4 Climax: When confronting the Dream Founder, Charlie realizes that the founder is himself, and is launched into his own nightmare, his childhood trauma, where he meets his younger child self. Through this immersive flashback, Charlie tells his younger self just how special he is (despite being told otherwise by his parents), and notices his younger self’s drawings, specifically those of characters like Lionel Crowfoot and Mr. Moon. This not only causes Charlie to realize how special he currently is, but how his younger self created the Dream Factory to escape his childhood trauma.
Resolution: Charlie calls his mother, who he has been avoiding. Charlie quits his job to pursue his passion of art, and asks Rosie to dinner. He hosts a dinner party for Mr. Watson, Henry, and Rosie.ANTAGONIST: Dream Founder AKA the Nightmare (Who is actually Charlie)
Beginning: A frightened and abused boy who is told he is worthless. He becomes the nightmare he was told that he was and creates a Dream Factory to escape.
Middle: When Charlie is covering his coworkers night shift, and receives a call from his mother, the Dream Founder decides to pay Charlie a visit.
End: Charlie destroys the Dream Founder by confronting his childhood trauma.
Beginning: A frightened and abused boy (Charlie) who is told he is worthless.
Inciting Incident: Charlie creates the Dream Factory to escape his abuse. So, this frightened and abused boy becomes a nightmare to haunt Charlie (abuse manifested)
Turning Point 1: This nightmare shadows Charlie where ever he goes, infusing self doubt into him and causing him to have terrible self esteem.
Act 2:
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: After Charlie receives a call from his mother, the nightmare decides to chase Charlie, until he ends up in the Dream Factory.
Turning Point 3: Not Sure Yet.
Act 4 Climax: The nightmare attacks the Dream Factory, and Charlie confronts it.
Resolution: The nightmare is destroyed by Charlie. -
Haley Chambers’ Purpose Driven Supporting Characters
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS…Characters must have a reason to be in the movie/tv show otherwise they serve no purpose.
Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
Supporting Characters:
Lionel Crowfoot/Henry Rosie/Marigold Mr. Moon/Mr. Watson
Background Characters:
Dream Factory WorkersSandwich shop costumers
Support 1
Name: Lionel Crowfoot/Henry
Role: Dream Factory Recruiter/Friend
Main Purpose: Introduces Charlie to the Dream Factory
Value: A piece of the puzzle Charlie is trying to figure out. Lionel Crowfoot is a figment of Charlie’s imagination, and is a real person in real life that Charlie has seen before.
Support 2
Name: Rosie/Marigold
Role: Charlie’s coworker, love interest
Main Purpose: Love interest, but shows Charlie that there are people who love him, and he is worthy of being loved.
Value: Causes Charlie to discover dream factory by taking extra shift for her. Marigold is a figment of Charlie’s imagination, which is based around Rosie.
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Haley Chambers’ Character Profiles Part 1
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS…In order to have intriguing characters, they need to go beyond being likable.
Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
CHARACTER: For now, its “Sam”
A. High Concept: Sam is an employee of a strip mall sandwich shop who discovers the store is actually the secret entrance to a Dream Factory. Despite being incredibly mundane and unimaginative, Sam has the most wild and fantastical dreams that strike the interest of the Dream Factory employees.
B. Character Journey: From dispirited and mundane sandwich shop vendor to savior of a Dream Factory through battling nightmare corrupted administrators.
C. Actor Attractors:
What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
A mundane sandwich shop vendor who has been beaten down by everyone around him, yet is optimistic and awkward and is the savior of a Dream Factory. Faces and overcomes a lot of prejudice and past childhood trauma/neglect.
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Fish out of water who is extremely and comically mundane (compared to the eccentric and creative workers of the Dream Factory), has a lot of past trauma from childhood, but ends up as the savior of the Dream Factory
What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Chased down by nightmares, discovers a factory for manufacturing dreams below his work place, works in a dream factory, fights nightmares, becomes the savior of the Dream Factory.
How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
Introducing him as someone who has something very unluckily bad happen to him, but is very positive regardless. Maybe he is working in the sandwich shop and is very committed to this job, volunteers to work during the holidays (showing sort of how he doesn’t have a life), and during this extra shift, he gets chased by a nightmare.
What could be this character’s emotional range be?
Goes from being mundane and walked all over by his boss and coworkers, to discovering a dream shop and being horrified as he is chased by literal nightmares, overcoming past trauma/tough childhood relationship with his parent, realizing he is just as special as anyone, completely confident, savior of a dream factory who has self love and stands up for himself and others.
What subtext can the actor play?
Sam is a complete fish out of water. He is comically mundane and when placed in an environment with the world’s most creative and eccentric people, he feels and is obviously out of place. Under the surface, Sam is struggling with self worth issues/creative suppression that sparked from childhood neglect/parental abuse. These self worth issues make him further feel like the fish out of water.
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
Because Sam is the fish out of water, naturally his relationships with the Dream Factory workers are going to be very interesting. With Lionel “The Recruiter”, Sam and Lionel are complete opposites. You can sense that Lionel looks down upon Sam for his lack of creativity, as Lionel is an incredibly eccentric and expressive person. Sam might not understand Lionel’s flair, but he and Lionel, through learning each other’s pasts and spent time together, become good friends. With the Dream Factory foreman, Cornelius, Sam has almost a father/son relationship with him. Maybe Sam never had a good relationship with his father, so when Cornelius tells Sam that is special (which Sam has never heard before), he feels inclined to seek counsel in Cornelius.
How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Mundane and uninspired, yet optimistic and kind. Lots of self deprivation and awkwardness
What could make this character special and unique?
Comically mundane, but also the savior of the most artistic and inspired group of people in the world. He brings a unique perspective to the Dream Factory workers, because he has been told he is not creatively gifted.
CHARACTER: Lionel, the Recruiter
A. High Concept: Lionel scouts and recruiter the worlds most creative people from around the world to work in the secret Dream Factory, and introduces Sam to a whole new world. He is one of the most artistic, expressive, and eccentric people in the world, so naturally he has trouble communicating with the mundane Sam.
B. Character Journey: From competitive and judgmental of Sam, to enjoying Sam’s company and learning that he shouldn’t base all his worth around his uniqueness. It is okay to be ordinary.
C. Actor Attractors:
What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Lionel is an eccentric and expressive recruiter for the worlds most creative people. He has flair and a unique style that makes him stand out.
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
He is very interesting when paired with my main character. Lionel’s eccentric and artistic personality is a stark contrast to the mundane Sam.
What are the most interesting actions the character could take in the script?
Recruits the worlds most creative people, but also recruits Sam, the worlds most mundane person. Fights nightmares with a walking stick that turns into a magical rifle or something.
How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
Lionel, dressed in an over the top flashy trench coat with a stylish top hat and a number of chains and trinkets in his waist coat, enters a strip mall sandwich shop with his steam punk walking stick, and requests to recruit Sam to join the Dream Factory.
What could be this character’s emotional range?
Disgust for people who are boring, desperate to get his bosses’ approval, secret softie, afraid of being ordinary.
What subtext can the actor play?
Lionel tries to be the most eccentric person because he fears being ordinary. He looks down on people like Sam, who Lionel used to be much like, because he is mundane and “boring”. Lionel also believes that by being crazy unique he will get promoted in the Dream Factory. He must learn (through Sam) that just because society deems you as “mundane” or “ordinary”, doesn’t mean you are any less special than everyone else.
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
Lionel has an interesting relationship with Sam, because Sam is his opposite. Lionel has much disgust for how boring he thinks Sam is, but then realizes how actually amazing Sam is.
How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
He is very eccentric, and speaks very philosophically. Even a boring piece of dialogue he tries to spiced up and make dramatic.
What could make this character special and unique?
I think I have said enough about how unique he is!
CHARACTER: “Jane”, the secretary (antagonist)
A. High Concept: A sweet and helpful secretary who deceives the Dream Factory workers and Sam while secretly plotting to share the powers of her nightmares with the world.
B. Character Journey: Feeling under appreciated and vengeful to realizing that her own darkness not only harms others, but herself. Holding on to the darkness hurts more than letting go.
C. Actor Attractors: I hadn’t done them yet for this character, I am just experimenting with her for now!
CHARACTER PROFILES:
[1] Roles In Story:
SAM: Protagonist. Employee of a strip mall sandwich shop who discovers the store is actually the secret entrance to a Dream Factory. From dispirited and mundane sandwich shop vendor to savior of a Dream Factory through battling nightmare corrupted administrators.
JANE: Antagonist. sweet and helpful secretary who deceives the Dream Factory workers and Sam while secretly plotting to share the powers of her nightmares with the world.
LIONEL: Triangle. Lionel scouts and recruiter the worlds most creative people from around the world to work in the secret Dream Factory, and introduces Sam to a whole new world. He is one of the most artistic, expressive, and eccentric people in the world, so naturally he has trouble communicating with the mundane Sam.
[2] Age Range and Description
SAM: Sam, a nerdy and clumsy young man who has sad eyes and a trying smile, dressed in his mustard stained sandwich vendor uniformed.
JANE: Jane, a plump and sweet woman in her 40s, with a wide smile and rosy cheeks, dressed in attire that is sort of steam punk 1950s.
LIONEL: Lionel, a tall man with a muscular build and a short black beard that is greying, suited with all sorts of trinkets and flamboyant overlapping patterns, wielding an eccentric walking stick and crowned with a stylish top hat.
[3] Core Traits:
SAM:
Unimaginative
Self-deprecating
Dependable
OptimisticJANE:
Deceptive
Thoughtful
Enthusiastic
VengefulLIONEL:
Eccentric
Over the top
Judgemental
Competitive[4] Motivation; Want & Need
SAM:
Want: Get rid of his nightmares
Need: To overcome his childhood traumaJANE:
Want: Overrun the Dream Factory with nightmares.
Need: Prove to her coworkers that she is just as powerful and talented as they are.LIONEL:
Want: A promotion
Need: Not to be ordinary or boring[5] Wound: What They Can’t Face:
SAM: Neglected and abused by his parent when he was a child. Told to suppress imagination because it was bad. Told he was worthless and nobody loved him.
JANE: While working in the Dream Department, she caused an accident that blew up a lab and got some of her coworkers injured. She was removed from the department and her life’s work was destroyed.
LIONEL: Not sure yet… afraid of being ordinary?
[6] Likability, Relatability, Empathy
SAM:
Likability: Hard worker, innocent and thoughtful, takes extra shifts so that his coworkers can go home early.
Relatability: Works for a job he doesn’t really like, afraid to stand up for himself, has nightmares, unlucky/has to do a lot of dirty work
Empathy: Was neglected/abused as a child. Told that he was worthless and that his imagination was stupid. Suppresses imagination/can’t stand up for himself.JANE:
Likability: Sweet and caring, everyone thinks she is kind and cheerful. Helps Sam and is the first person to see past his lack of imagination, treats him kindly.
Relatability: Under appreciated by coworkers, hard working with little reward, points out the wildness of the Dream Factory (which the audience thinks as well)
Empathy: Used to be a Dream designer, but had a major mishap and destroyed a lab. Fired from her favorite job, forced to be a secretary who is always remembered for her dream mishap. Wants to work her way back into everyone’s favors. -
Haley Chambers’ Likability/Relatability/Empathy
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS… In order to have intriguing characters, they need to go beyond being likable.
Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
Protagonist: For now I am calling him “Sam”
– Likability: Hard worker, innocent and thoughtful, takes extra shifts so that his coworkers can go home early. <div>
– Relatability: Works for a job he doesn’t really like, afraid to stand up for himself, has nightmares, unlucky/has to do a lot of dirty work
– Empathy: Was neglected/abused as a child. Told that he was worthless and that his imagination was stupid. Suppresses imagination/can’t stand up for himself.
Antagonist: I am experimenting with a new antagonist, a secretary of the Dream Factory named “Jane”
– Likability: Sweet and caring, everyone thinks she is kind and cheerful. Helps Sam and is the first person to see past his lack of imagination, treats him kindly. </div>
– Relatability: Under appreciated by coworkers, hard working with little reward, points out the wildness of the Dream Factory (which the audience thinks as well)
– Empathy: Used to be a Dream designer, but had a major mishap and destroyed a lab. Fired from her favorite job, forced to be a secretary who is always remembered for her dream mishap. Wants to work her way back into everyone’s favors.
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Haley Chambers’ Character Intrigue
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS… Subtext can make characters more intriguing!
Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
– Character Name: For now it’s “Sam”
– Role: Main protagonist
– Unspoken Wound: Childhood neglect/abuse that caused him to look down upon himself. Used his imagination as an escape, but suppressed it because he was told it was bad.
– Subtext in the plot: Sam has literal nightmare following him, and it lures in the shadows for most of the story. He doesn’t realize that nightmares spawn from a person’s worst fear, and are personal. Sam’s nightmare is himself, as he was told when he was younger that he was unwanted. His past of being verbally beaten down by his parent causes him to be very self-deprecating and fearful.
– Character Name: Lionel, the Recruiter
– Role: Recruits people to Dream Factory
– Competition: Wants to be promoted in the Dream Factory. Fears being ordinary.
– Subtext in the plot: Lionel believes that by being the most eccentric and over the top person he can be, he will be recognized more as a committed employee of the Dream Factory, therefore deserving of a raise. He often judges people for not going the extra mile or being ordinary.
– Character Name: Cornelius, the Dream Factory Foreman
– Role: Mentor/“Red Herring” antagonist
– Hidden Agenda: Wants to find a way to cure/stop the spread of nightmares. Secret: Experiments with patients who have bad nightmares.
– Subtext in the plot: Because Cornelius is trying to stop the spread of nightmares, he takes interest in Sam, as Sam has a nightmare following him. Cornelius has little time to notice Lionel’s desire to please him/be promoted, as he is very focused on his studies. Appears to be the villain as he is fascinated by nightmares.
– Character Name: “Jane”, the secretary
– Role: Antagonist
– Hidden Agenda: Feels overlooked/under appreciated by Dream Factory workers, wants to make things right with the power of nightmares.
– Deception: Pretends to be sweet and innocent, helpful and kind to Sam. Gets him to trust her. Unsuspected because of her bubbly/cheerful personality.
– Subtext in the plot: Deceives employees of Dream Factory/Sam into thinking she is sweet and innocent so that she can scheme going unnoticed. Feels under appreciated by Dream Factory workers, as she is only a secretary who failed at Dream creation. Wants to prove herself using power of nightmares, so she takes interest in Sam’s nightmares.
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Haley Chambers’ Subtext Characters
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS… subtext is the thing that makes character’s have life, feel real, and makes them lovable.
Movie Title: Æon Flux (2005)Character Name: Æon FluxSubtext Identity: A rebel/spy who seeks revenge for her sister’s murderSubtext Trait: Determined, suspicious, betrays rebellionSubtext Log-line: Æon is a rebel/spy who seeks revenge for his sister’s murder who betrays her rebellion to find the truth.Possible Areas of Subtext: Doesn’t carry out rebellion mission to exterminate Goodchild, fights her best friend, breaks into a government monument, escapes from imprisonment, breaks into innocent person’s house, falls for the enemy of the rebellion.
My Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
Character Name: For now I am calling him “Sam”Subtext Identity: A sandwich vendor who sells himself shortSubtext Trait: Mundane, uninspired, self-deprecative, fearfulSubtext Logline: Sam is a sandwich vendor whose mundane and self-deprecating nature causes him to sell himself short. Possible Areas of Subtext: Runs away from his nightmares/fears, limited himself to working in sandwich shop, calls himself crazy for discovering the Dream Factory, doesn’t accept complimentsCharacter Name: Lionel, the RecruiterSubtext Identity: Recruits the worlds most creative people for the Dream FactorySubtext Trait: Competitive, judgmental, over the topSubtext Logline: Lionel is a recruiter who judges Sam’s mundane personality and is afraid of being ordinary. Possible Areas of Subtext: Judges Sam for being mundane, dresses in over the top clothing, competitive in the workplace, wants a promotion, afraid of being ordinary, tries to be the most unique
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Haley Chambers’ Actor Attractors!
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS….There are many things in a character that can make them more appealing to a major actor/actress.
Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
Lead Character Name: For now I am calling him “Sam”
Role: Protagonist
What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
A mundane sandwich shop vendor who has been beaten down by everyone around him, yet is optimistic and awkward and is the savior of a Dream Factory. Faces and overcomes a lot of prejudice and past childhood trauma/neglect.
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Fish out of water who is extremely and comically mundane (compared to the eccentric and creative workers of the Dream Factory), has a lot of past trauma from childhood, but ends up as the savior of the Dream Factory
What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
Chased down by nightmares, discovers a factory for manufacturing dreams below his work place, works in a dream factory, fights nightmares, becomes the savior of the Dream Factory.
How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
Introducing him as someone who has something very unluckily bad happen to him, but is very positive regardless. Maybe he is working in the sandwich shop and is very committed to this job, volunteers to work during the holidays (showing sort of how he doesn’t have a life), and during this extra shift, he gets chased by a nightmare.
What could be this character’s emotional range be?
Goes from being mundane and walked all over by his boss and coworkers, to discovering a dream shop and being horrified as he is chased by literal nightmares, overcoming past trauma/tough childhood relationship with his parent, realizing he is just as special as anyone, completely confident, savior of a dream factory who has self love and stands up for himself and others.
What subtext can the actor play?
Sam is a complete fish out of water. He is comically mundane and when placed in an environment with the world’s most creative and eccentric people, he feels and is obviously out of place. Under the surface, Sam is struggling with self worth issues/creative suppression that sparked from childhood neglect/parental abuse. These self worth issues make him further feel like the fish out of water.
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
Because Sam is the fish out of water, naturally his relationships with the Dream Factory workers are going to be very interesting. With Lionel “The Recruiter”, Sam and Lionel are complete opposites. You can sense that Lionel looks down upon Sam for his lack of creativity, as Lionel is an incredibly eccentric and expressive person. Sam might not understand Lionel’s flair, but he and Lionel, through learning each other’s pasts and spent time together, become good friends. With the Dream Factory foreman, Cornelius, Sam has almost a father/son relationship with him. Maybe Sam never had a good relationship with his father, so when Cornelius tells Sam that is special (which Sam has never heard before), he feels inclined to seek counsel in Cornelius.
How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Mundane and uninspired, yet optimistic and kind. Lots of self deprivation and awkwardness
What could make this character special and unique?
Comically mundane, but also the savior of the most artistic and inspired group of people in the world. He brings a unique perspective to the Dream Factory workers, because he has been told he is not creatively gifted.
Lead Character Name: “The Recruiter” – For now I am calling him Lionel
Role: Protagonist
What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Lionel is an eccentric and expressive recruiter for the worlds most creative people. He has flair and a unique style that makes him stand out.
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
He is very interesting when paired with my main character. Lionel’s eccentric and artistic personality is a stark contrast to the mundane Sam.
What are the most interesting actions the character could take in the script?
Recruits the worlds most creative people, but also recruits Sam, the worlds most mundane person. Fights nightmares with a walking stick that turns into a magical rifle or something.
How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
Lionel, dressed in an over the top flashy trench coat with a stylish top hat and a number of chains and trinkets in his waist coat, enters a strip mall sandwich shop with his steam punk walking stick, and requests to recruit Sam to join the Dream Factory.
What could be this character’s emotional range?
Disgust for people who are boring, desperate to get his bosses’ approval, secret softie, afraid of being ordinary.
What subtext can the actor play?
Lionel tries to be the most eccentric person because he fears being ordinary. He looks down on people like Sam, who Lionel used to be much like, because he is mundane and “boring”. Lionel also believes that by being crazy unique he will get promoted in the Dream Factory. He must learn (through Sam) that just because society deems you as “mundane” or “ordinary”, doesn’t mean you are any less special than everyone else.
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
Lionel has an interesting relationship with Sam, because Sam is his opposite. Lionel has much disgust for how boring he thinks Sam is, but then realizes how actually amazing Sam is.
How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
He is very eccentric, and speaks very philosophically. Even a boring piece of dialogue he tries to spiced up and make dramatic.
What could make this character special and unique?
I think I have said enough about how unique he is!
Lead Character Name: Dream Factory Foreman – For now lets call him “Cornelius”
Role: Antagonist
What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
The foreman of a factory for manufacturing dreams, who has been corrupted by the power of nightmares. A calculated and manipulative antagonist who preys on the main protagonist and his employees by telling them they are special.
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
He is seen as Sam’s mentor and father figure, and convinces Sam that he is special, despite being told otherwise by others. However, he is actually manipulating Sam into revealing the secrets of Sam’s powerful nightmares, which he is fascinated by.
What are the most interesting actions the character could take in the script?
Becomes Sam’s mentor/father figure, designs and creates dreams, experiments with literal nightmares, schemes to overrun the world with nightmares, betrays Sam and the Dream Factory.
How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
He is in his foreman’s office at the Dream Factory, which is a large clock tower that looks over everything. He is tinkering with a colorful and magical dream, using interesting tools and materials that make explosions of bright lights. He is introduced to Sam through Lionel, the Recruiter.
What could be this character’s emotional range?
I am not sure yet!
What subtext can the actor play?
I am thinking that maybe he was beat down a lot (like my protagonist is), and maybe has a hatred for the Dream Factory workers. Maybe the previous Dream Factory foreman took interest in his ability to create/control nightmares, and did bad experiments on him. Maybe he killed him with his nightmares and took over. Not sure yet!
What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
He becomes Sam’s father figure/mentor, but at the same time manipulates the boy into feeling special. He sees him self in Sam, because he too felt un special and unloved at the time. He wants the power of the nightmares to maybe get revenge on everyone who doubted him or looked down on him. I’m still working on all the character’s motives.
How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
Not sure yet!
What could make this character special and unique?
He is a dream factory foreman who makes dreams and is corrupted by nightmares? Becomes a vessel for nightmares? Not sure yet…
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Haley Chambers’ Actor Attractors for Æon Flux (2005)
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS… There are many things in a character that can make them more appealing to a major actor/actress.
Lead Character Name: Æon Flux (Charlize Theron)
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
Strong female lead who is a skilled fighter and key member of a rebellion against the Goodchild Regime.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
She has flashes to her past life, skilled combat fighter
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?
Climbs walls like a ninja. Beats up a bunch of characters through hand/gun combat. Grieves her sister’s death. Crashes a plane. Uses her cool gadgets to get out of imprisonment.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
She is climbing walls and taking down guards with her bare hands. She is clearly a cool character from when she is introduced.
5. What is this character’s emotional range?
Grieving her sisters murder while being tough. Being assigned to kill Trevor, but also realizing she loves him.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
Through her interactions with other characters throughout the stories, Æon sees flashes to a past life of hers. She is grieving the loss of her sister while also realizing her whole life has been a fabricated lie. So, she is trying to weave together all these unusual events/flashbacks to discover the truth.
What is the most interesting relationship the character has?
Æon is ordered to assassinate Trevor Goodchild, who she discovers was her significant other in some past life/reality. It is very interesting seeing how they knew each other and how she comes to see the organization she works for/the world itself completely differently.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
She is a person who wants to get revenge for her sister, much of her reasoning/desires come from wanting justice.
9. What makes this character special and unique?
It’s a futuristic world, she is a rebel to the Goodchild Regime, she is an excellent fighter, has cool spy gadgets, sees flashbacks to a past life, has a weird name, sister was murdered, she is actually a clone of Goodchild’s wife.
10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)
I couldn’t find access to the script, I was wondering if there was a good site for that?
Character Name: Trevor Goodchild (Martin Csokas)
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
Cool and scheming leader of the Goodchild Regime, brilliant scientist who saved the human race, has a dark secret
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
Everyone believes he invented the cure to the human race, but he really has been cloning them for 400 years, has a secret mission to cure human sterility.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?
Imprisons Æon Flux, tests cures for human infertility, falls in love with Æon, reveals he is Æon’s husband from 400 years before, gets shot multiple times, has a fight with brother
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
He is introduced as the savior of the human race, but he captures Æon, who is sent to assassinate him.
5. What is this character’s emotional range?
He is trying to secretly cure human infertility, but everyone is trying to kill him, he gets shot and is in a lot of pain, he is falling in love with Æon, he sees his brother die.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
He is keeping a dark secret, that the cure he developed for a deadly virus 400 years ago caused human infertility, and has been cloning them ever since. But everyone else thinks he is the savior. He is trying to cure human infertility, while also trying to find the clone of his long dead wife. We don’t know they were married, but he does.
What is the most interesting relationship the character has?
He has a really interesting relationship with Æon Flux. He sees her as “Catherine”, who he was married to 400 years ago. He is trying to make her remember their past life, while falling for her all over again.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
He is well educated, wants to cure human infertility, is the leader of the Goodchild Regime and has a high level of authority, in love with Æon
9. What makes this character special and unique?
He is a clone of the person that invented cloning humans, has a dark secret, in love with Æon
10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)
I couldn’t find access to the script, I was wondering if there was a good site for that?
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Haley Chambers’ 4 Act Transformational Structure
Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS… it doesn’t have to be perfect the first time around! Just putting some loose plot points down can help you have an idea of what you need to add/take from your story.
Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
OLD WAYS:Mundane and unimaginative
Low self-esteem
Hides from fears/nightmares
Static and held back in all aspects of life
Routined
Holding trauma from childhood neglectNEW WAYS:
Self-confident and capable
Inspired and imaginative
Faces fears/nightmares head on.
Whimsical (while having a healthy balance with routine)
Able to overcome childhood trauma and learn from it.
Unafraid to go after dreams.Act 1
Opening: Not sure yet…
INCITING INCIDENT: Sam is working a night shift at the sandwich shop when he is visited by a nightmare, prompting him to run and hide in the kitchens, where he discovers the secret entrance to a Dream Factory below his work place.
TURNING POINT: When his friends/family don’t believe him about the previous night’s events, Sam decides to go back to work to investigate. Instead, he finds an eccentric man waiting in the shop, who says he is there to “recruit” Sam to the Dream Factory.Act 2
NEW PLAN: Reluctantly, Sam decides to trust the Recruiter and return to the Dream Factory, intrigued by the idea that he might be “special”, and to prove to his friends/family that he is not crazy.
PLAN IN ACTION: The Recruiter introduces Sam to the magnificent and magical Dream Factory, where he soon realizes he is the black sheep. He meets the Dream Factory Foreman, who takes intrigue in the nightmare that originally attacked him at the shop.
MIDPOINT TURNING POINT: The Dream Factory goes into panic mode when there is a sudden nightmare attack in the Dream Department. Sam doesn’t yet know how to combat the nightmares, and when he comes face to face with the same one that attacked him the night before, he is unable to stop it.Act 3
RETHINK EVERYTHING: Sam thinks he is in way over his head, still rattled by the nightmare attack. After speaking with one of the characters (which I am still unsure on), he realizes the only way to stop his nightmare is to get over his fears and get over his past.
NEW PLAN: After being empowered, Sam decides to track down his nightmare, and face it head on with his newfound belief in himself.
TURNING POINT: Sam realizes that his nightmare was himself all along, and he defeats it using everything he learned on his internal journey through the story. BUT everything is not over yet… Sam discovers that the Dream Foreman was behind the nightmare attack on the Dream Factory, and that he has been using Sam all along to experiment with the power of nightmares.Act 4
Climax: After having already faced his own nightmares, Sam must work with the employees of the Dream Factory to stop the Foreman. He is no longer looked on as the black sheep, but the savior of their world. Sam has stopped trying to prove himself to his family/friends, and instead is confident in who he already is.
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Haley Chambers’ Subtext Plot
Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS… that you can add a little bit of another genre/theme through a good few subtext plots to elevate your main plot.
Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
Subtext Plot:
THE FISH OUT OF WATER:
How it plays out…
When Sam, a mundane and incredibly unimaginative sandwich shop vendor, discovers a secret dream factory filled with the most artistic and ingenious people from across the globe, he finds that being ordinary makes him stand out. The eccentric employees of this dream factory are quick to judge and look down upon the humdrum Sam, further causing him to be a fish out of water.
I am hoping that this subtext will provide a bit of comedy to my story (which is more Sci-Fi/Fantasy), as the dream factory employees make snarky and funny comments about how boring my main character is. One thing I also want to make sure of with my “boring” main character is that he is not boring to audiences, rather that his ordinary self is very entertaining when put against a whole bunch of creative people.
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Haley Chambers’ Transformational Journey
Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS… that by filling in the beginning and ends of a characters journey, it can help you design what must happen to the character during the middle parts of the story.
High Concept: A recently hired dishwasher discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
ARC BEGINNING: Unimaginative sandwich shop vendor who is frequently visited by his nightmares of childhood neglect.
ARC ENDING: Savior of a Dream Factory who has unlocked his imagination.
INTERNAL JOURNEY: From repressing all imagination and expression as result of childhood neglect to overcoming his past trauma and gaining confidence in creativity.
EXTERNAL JOURNEY: From dispirited sandwich shop vendor to savior of a Dream Factory through battling nightmare corrupted administrators.
OLD WAYS:
– Mundane and unimaginative <div>
– Low self-esteem
– Hides from fears/nightmares
– Static and held back in all aspects of life
– Routined
– Holding trauma from childhood neglect
NEW WAYS:
– Self-confident and capable</div>
– Inspired and imaginative
– Faces fears/nightmares head on.
– Whimsical (while having a healthy balance with routine)
– Able to overcome childhood trauma and learn from it
– Unafraid to go after dreams.
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Haley Chambers’ Intentional Lead Characters
Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS…. That your character ideas don’t have to be perfect at first, there is a lot more editing and changing to come.
Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
CHARACTER: Protagonist (For now I’m calling him “Sam”, because I like taking my time with names!)
LOG LINE: Sam is an employee of a strip mall sandwich shop who discovers the store is actually the secret entrance to a Dream Factory.
UNIQUE: Despite being incredibly mundane and unimaginative, Sam has the most wild and fantastical dreams that strike the interest of the Dream Factory employees.
CHARACTER: “The Recruiter” (For now I am calling him Lionel)
LOG LINE: Lionel scouts and recruits the world’s most creative people around world to work in the secret Dream Factory, and introduces y to a whole new world.
UNIQUE: Lionel is one of the most artistic, expressive, and eccentric people in the world, so naturally he has trouble communicating with the humdrum Sam.
CHARACTER: Antagonist, for now I will call him Cornelius
LOG LINE: Cornelius is the Dream Factory Foreman who takes interest in the powers of Sam’s nightmares, while having a dark agenda of his own.
UNIQUE: Cornelius has experimented with dream creation for so long that he is only fulfilled by the exciting power of nightmares.
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Haley Chambers’ Title, Concept, and Character Structure!
My bad for posting this late, I accidentally mixed up the dates!
Haley’s Vision: I am going to work hard to be recognized as a successful screenwriter with many of my scripts made into films/TV shows.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS ASSIGNMENT IS…. That you can make your story more marketable to producers by selecting a character structure to base the story around. Also that I should stray away from developing a story with a ton of main characters that compete for the starring role.
(Genre: Sci-Fi)
Title: Dream Factory (Still don’t love this title)
Concept: A recently hired dishwasher boy discovers the strip mall sandwich shop in which he works is actually the front of an underground factory for manufacturing dreams.
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Hello, my name is Haley Chambers!
I have only written 1 script, and am pretty new to screenwriting. For the past few years I have enjoyed developing stories and world building, but have struggled with putting them down on paper.
I hope to learn more about screen writing and be able to express my ideas in a way people can enjoy. I love dreaming up stories and want to do something with them!
My Aunt Margie is an experienced screen writer and she encouraged me to take this class to develop my passions for story making!
I am thrilled to have this opportunity!
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Margaret’s (DAY 11) Final Scene
INT. IRENE’S KITCHEN – DAY
A pair of jean-clad legs sticks out from under an old kitchen sink. A woman’s voice (IRENE) echoes out from the cabinet.
IRENE (O.C.)
Leaks like a sieve.
A voice from under the sink (smart phone) replies.
SMART PHONE
Welcome to “How to fix a leaky sink.” This is generally an easy procedure if you follow these simple steps.
IRENE (O.C.)
Just because you up and died doesn’t mean I can’t take care of myself. See that, Dan! All I need is the good Lord… And you-tube. Ha! Thank you, Jesus!
The voice continues.
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
It is easier for you to replace the whole strainer with a new one.
IRENE (O.C.)
It would be easier for me to pay for a plumber, but that’s not happening either.
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
First you need to turn the water off.
IRENE (O.C.)
Well, now. That would fix everything. Smart aleck! It wouldn’t leak then, would it?
(a beat)
Turning the water off…
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
Now put a bucket under the strainer.
The smart phone is tossed out of the cabinet, followed by the owner of the legs, a spunky octogenarian, Irene Thorpe, the definition of independence.
IRENE
(muttering)
Bucket. Who has a bucket hanging around their kitchen?
She opens a cupboard, takes out a mixing bowl, talks to it.
IRENE
You’re the bucket. I’m the plumber.
Irene sets the mixing bowl under the sink.
She presses the play button and the smart phone continues.
SMART PHONE
Next, unscrew the two nuts.
Irene hits the pause button.
IRENE
Screw? Nuts? Can’t they make any video nowadays that isn’t R rated?
She climbs back under the sink with her phone.
IRENE (O.C.)
Ooof!
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
If the nuts are too tight, you might need a wrench.
Irene emerges once again, yelling at the phone.
IRENE
Smart phone? Not so smart if you ask me! Shoulda told me I needed a wrench before I crawled back in there. I’m not the youngest kindergartner in the playground!
Irene gets up, uses the cabinet doors for support, rubs her back, stretches to straighten up.
She moves over to drawer and opens it. There is an assortment of tools, along with band-aids and a banana. She takes all the contents out and dumps them onto the floor next to the sink.
IRENE
Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice…
Irene picks up a wrench and her phone, positions herself back under the sink.
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
Once the nuts are loose, take hold of the pipes and pull…
The phone is paused mid sentence.
IRENE (O.C.)
You’re talking to an 80-year-old here! A little respect is in order!
(a beat)
Can’t do it with this bowl in the way!
The bowl flies out from under the sink.
IRENE (O.C.)
Pulling the pipes… AAWWW!
Irene comes out of the sink, water dripping from her face and hair, holding her phone. She presses the play button.
SMART PHONE
… emptying the water into the container below.
Irene hits the pause button, looks over to her refrigerator, which is covered with a myriad of notes to herself and a picture of smiling late husband, Dan.
IRENE
(to the picture)
I don’t want to hear it.
She presses the play button.
SMART PHONE
Next, disconnect the overflow pipe…
Irene presses pause, peers under the sink.
IRENE
Seems to me like everything overflowed.
She disappears back under the sink. Several pieces of pipe fly out from under the sink.
SMART PHONE (O.C.)
Unscrew the screw holding the drain to the top of the drainer and lift out the strainer unit.
IRENE (O.C.)
We don’t need to talk about screwing. I am a widow, you know.
Irene reappears and picks up a screwdriver. It is more difficult for her to stand this time and it takes her several seconds to straighten up.
She unscrews the drain and lifts out the unit, looking proud. She presses the play button.
SMART PHONE
Clean up the hole before you do the next step…
Irene punches the pause button.
IRENE
I’ve been cleaning house longer than you’ve been invented, don’t be telling me how to clean my house!
She grabs her sponge, swipes at the hole in the bottom of the sink, cuts her finger on a sharp edge. She turns on the faucet to wash her finger. No water. She leans down next to the sink, rummages for a band-aid.
Once the band-aid is applied, she hits the play button.
SMART PHONE
Be careful, the edge may be sharp.
Irene punches the pause button.
RING! RING!
Irene is about to reply when another phone rings. A land-line attached to an old-fashioned dial phone.
She moves stiffly to the phone.
IRENE
Got a hitch in my get-a-long. Been under that sink too long.
She massages her hip and picks up the phone.
IRENE
Hello?
(a beat)
I won a year’s worth of groceries? Hallelujah! Bless you!!
Irene looks over at her smart phone.
IRENE
Yes, I have a smart phone.
(a beat)
Yes, I can enter my social security number and my birth date. One moment.
Irene uses the dial on her dial phone to dial in the numbers, then speaks into the receiver.
IRENE
Hello? Hello? I did it! Hello?
She slams the receiver down.
IRENE
(to self)
Go get my own groceries, soon as I finish fixing this sink. Buy me some nuts.
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Margaret’s Actions/Props
What I learned: Learning how important it is to use props to create comedy.
Comedy character logline: An 80-year-old with Alzheimers who thinks she is sane.
Outline:
· We see someone under the sink c/o it leaking
· We hear the you-tube smart phone video of how to fix a leaky sink
· The phone comments on needing a brand new strainer – the person under the sinks states, “It would be easier for me to pay for a plumber, but that’s not happening either.”
· The person emerging out from under the sink is an 80-year-old – Irene.
· Irene uses a mixing bowl instead of the phone suggested bucket. She introduces herself to the mixing bowl as the “plumber” and tells it that they are the “bucket”
· Irene comments after you-tube instructions, “Screw? Nuts? Can’t they make any video nowadays that isn’t R rated?”
· If the nuts are too tight, you might need a wrench.
·
· Comments after you-tube instructions, “Once the nuts are loose, take hold of the pipes and pull…” “You’re talking to an 80-year-old here! A little respect is in order!”
· Gets rid of her bowl because it is in the way and gets drenched with water.
· Comments on you-tube instructions, “Unscrew the screw” “don’t need to talk about screwing. I am a widow, you know.”
· Uses dial phone with smart phone instructions, confusing a con-man calling. He tells her she has won a year’s worth of groceries but ends up hanging up on her. She comments, “Go get my own groceries, soon as I finish fixing this sink. Buy me some nuts.”
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Margaret’s Topper Outline
What I learned: I am not a comedian. This is not my genre! Plugging along though…
COMEDY SITUATION:
Comedic surprise
Misinterpretation
Comedy character logline: An 80-year-old with Alzheimers who thinks she is sane.
Funny moments in sequence:
· An octogenarian emerges from the sink – a wannabe plumber
· It is easier for you to replace the whole strainer with a new one.
·
· C/o using the words “Screw” & “Nuts” on it fix-it video asking, “Can’t they make any video nowadays that isn’t R rated?”
·
· Comments after the video instructions, “Once the nuts are loose, take hold of the pipes and pull…” “You’re talking to an 80-year-old here! A little respect is in order”
·
· Comments after video instructions, “Unscrew the screw holding the drain to the top of the drainer and lift out the strainer unit.” “We don’t need to talk about screwing. I am a widow, you know.”
·
· After a con-man tries to get info from her by telling her she won a year of groceries she comments, “Go get my own groceries, soon as I finish fixing this sink. Buy me some nuts.”
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Margaret’s Comedy Brainstorm Session
What I learned: I am not funny. I don’t know how to write “funny”. This class is stretching me and it is very uncomfortable. So… thank you, Hal! I have to say this experience is painful but will definitely improve my writing!
COMEDY SITUATION:
Comedic surprise
Misinterpretation/ Wildly inappropriate response
Comedy character logline: An 80-year-old with Alzheimers who thinks she is sane.
Possible funny moments:
· Irene is a fish out of water, trying to be a plumber
· We are surprised to see a geriatric patient trying to fix a sink
· The 80-year-old dementia patient outwits a con-man
· The con-man assumes the person on the other end of the line is using a smart phone vs a land-line with an old-fashioned standard dial phone
· The sink is fixed but using other than standard items
Outline:
1. Someone (O.S.) is under the sink, trying to fix it by watching a you-tube video
2. The person from under the sink appears – an 80-year-old widow, IRENE
3. We see the sink is fixed, but in an unorthodox way
4. Irene receives a phone call, scammer, she thinks she has won groceries for a year. When the con-man tries to get information out of her, she gives wildly inappropriate responses, which confuses him.
5. The con-man assumes she has a smart phone and gives instructions, but Irene has an old-fashioned dial phone so the instructions are misunderstood
6. Irene leaves for the grocery store to buy her own groceries
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Margaret’s punchline
What I learned: The last scene I wrote had no punchline! I ended it with, “Irene nods a polite “no” and backs her wheelchair up.” That scene fell flat because there was no punchline.
In this scene, Irene, new to the nursing home, taken on a “shopping” trip by her new friend, who she thinks is cognitively intact.
To answer the question, “Do you want to buy something?”
ABSURD REQUEST: “Yes, a one-way ticket out of here.”
COMPARISON: “Can I use pretend money to buy some pretend sanity for my friend?”
EXAGGERATION: “Sure, I’ll take your job.”
INSULT: “From a used stuffy salesman? A used-car salesman would be a step up for you!”
METAPHOR: “You’re a salesman like I’m a patient here.”
MISINTERPRETATION: “So you take real money?”
PARODY: “From you? Greedy guts?”
RENAME: “Buy or Play?”
REVERSAL: “No, but let me sell you something. Maybe a little decency?”
UNDERSTATEMENT: “How about the world or just that paperclip there?”
The scene with my choice for the ending:
INT. PEACEFUL VALLEY – SOCIAL SERVICE’S OFFICE – DAY
Bethany sits behind a small desk. Bobby enters her office with a bag full of small stuffed animals.
BETHANY
Nice. I needed more.
BOBBY
Here you go. You better hurry. She’s coming down the hall with a friend.
Bethany quickly opens the bag and lines up the stuffed animals on the edge of her desk.
Bobby leaves the office just as Patsy wheels herself in, followed by Irene who has a big purse on her lap.
BETHANY
Good afternoon, ladies.
Patsy wheels over to inspect the used stuffed animals on the edge of the desk.
PATSY
Your merchandise is a little ratty.
Bethany puts her hand over his heart as if she has been wounded.
BETHANY
Patsy, come on. I’m just a poor woman.
PATSY
Well, you won’t get rich with me.
BETHANY
Who is your friend?
Bethany waves at Irene.
BETHANY
Hello! I’m Bethany. Social Services Director and used stuffy salesman.
IRENE
Hello. I’m Irene Thorpe. Very nice to meet you.
BETHANY
Likewise. Want to hear our special?
PATSY
What is it today? Two for three?
BETHANY
Better than that. Ten for ten. But you have to buy ten. Otherwise, they’re a dollar each.
PATSY
I’ll take ten.
Patsy reaches down into her pocket, pulls out non-existent money and hands it to Bethany.
Bethany takes the invisible money and places it in her desk drawer.
PATSY
Heh. Greedy guts. Where’s my change?
Bethany gives a sheepish shrug and opens her desk drawer back up. She hands Patsy some invisible money.
Patsy takes the ‘money’ and scoops up ten of the stuffed animals onto her lap. She eyes her stapler.
PATSY
How much for that?
Bethany picks up the stapler.
BETHANY
Five hundred.
Patsy gasps.
PATSY
We are done here. You’re a highway robber!
She turns her wheelchair around and wheels out of the office in a huff.
There are two stuffed animals left on the desk.
BETHANY
(to Irene)
You want to buy something?
IRENE
How about a one-way ticket out of here?
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Margaret’s character’s intro
What I learned: The intro to the character needs to be humorous with an incongruent twist.
LOGLINE/ESCAPING PEACEFUL VALLEY: Patsy is a nursing home resident who fakes dementia so the state will pay for her room and board.
Background to the scene: Irene meets Patsy, who seems cognitively intact. Patsy invites Irene to go “shopping” with her. Irene agrees and follows Patsy to the “store.” Bethany is the social worker and Bobby is the activities director.
INT. PEACEFUL VALLEY – SOCIAL SERVICE’S OFFICE – DAY
Bethany sits behind a small desk. Bobby enters her office with a bag full of small stuffed animals.
BETHANY
Nice. I needed more.
BOBBY
Here you go. You better hurry. She’s coming down the hall with a friend.
Bethany quickly opens the bag and lines up the stuffed animals on the edge of her desk.
Bobby leaves the office just as Patsy wheels herself in, followed by Irene who has a big purse on her lap.
BETHANY
Good afternoon, ladies.
Patsy wheels over to inspect the used stuffed animals on the edge of the desk.
PATSY
Your merchandise is a little ratty.
Bethany puts her hand over his heart as if she has been wounded.
BETHANY
Patsy, come on. I’m just a poor woman.
PATSY
Well, you won’t get rich with me.
BETHANY
Who is your friend?
Bethany waves at Irene.
BETHANY
Hello! I’m Bethany. Social Services Director and used stuffy salesman.
IRENE
Hello. I’m Irene Thorpe. Very nice to meet you.
BETHANY
Likewise. Want to hear our special?
PATSY
What is it today? Two for three?
BETHANY
Better than that. Ten for ten. But you have to buy ten. Otherwise, they’re a dollar each.
PATSY
I’ll take ten.
Patsy reaches down into her pocket, pulls out non-existent money and hands it to Bethany.
Bethany takes the invisible money and places it in her desk drawer.
PATSY
Heh. Greedy guts. Where’s my change?
Bethany gives a sheepish shrug and opens her desk drawer back up. She hands Patsy some invisible money.
Patsy takes the ‘money’ and scoops up ten of the stuffed animals onto her lap. She eyes her stapler.
PATSY
How much for that?
Bethany picks up the stapler.
BETHANY
Five hundred.
Patsy gasps.
PATSY
We are done here. You’re a highway robber!
She turns her wheelchair around and wheels out of the office in a huff.
There are two stuffed animals left on the desk.
BETHANY
(to Irene)
You want to buy something?
Irene nods a polite “no” and backs her wheelchair up.
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More of Margaret’s Funny situations
What I learned: combining comedic situations in one scene makes it funnier
Background to this scene: Irene has been sent to a nursing home after fracturing her hip. She lost her glasses and circled menu items without knowing what she was going to receive.
INT. PEACEFUL VALLEY – ROOM 107 – DAY
Mark brings in Irene’s breakfast tray. Maxine is asleep.
He takes the plate off the tray and places it onto Irene’s bedside table with a half piece of grapefruit, tabasco sauce and a pat of butter.
MARK
How do you want this?
Irene doesn’t answer. She is trying to figure that out herself.
MARK
Tabasco goes on the grapefruit?
Mark doesn’t wait for the answer. He sprinkles her grapefruit with the tabasco.
MARK
Where you want this?
Mark picks up the butter. Irene shrugs.
MARK
OK. Enjoy.
Mark leaves the butter on the bedside table and turns to leave.
IRENE
Oh, before you go. I need to use the restroom.
MARK
I am delivering trays now. Be back in a few.
IRENE
Thank you.
Mark leaves and Irene tries a bit of the grapefruit but the tabasco is too much. She gulps down water, pushes the bedside table away.
Irene lays back against her pillow.
IRENE
(praying)
Good morning, Father. I can’t read your Word this morning. No Bible, no glasses. But, I know you are here with me. Please heal me so I can go —
She picks up the call light and presses it.
IRENE
(to self)
I really need to go.
Irene notes her wheelchair on the other side of the room against the wall. She struggles to stand and walks along the bed, holding on. At the foot of the bed, she hesitates. The wheelchair is too far away.
IRENE
(to self)
I REALLY have to go.
She calls out.
IRENE
Hello? Hello? I need some help!
The only response – loud snores from Maxine.
Irene decides to go for it.
IRENE
Help me, Jesus.
She takes some steps. Just as Mark enters, she unwillingly pees the floor.
MARK
Hey. You shouldn’t be walking.
Mark notes the puddle on the floor.
MARK
They didn’t tell me you needed briefs. Here.
He helps her back to bed and then pulls out a large adult diaper from the closet.
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Margaret’s funny situations
What I learned: Three situations that set up for comedy.
In this scene, a group of normally “sane” residents in a nursing home play Bingo together. This is Irene’s first time playing Bingo with the group – Patsy is showing her the ropes. Bobby is the activities director.
INT. PEACEFUL VALLEY – DINING AREA – DAY
Irene, Patsy, and Joe sit at a table with Bingo cards in front of them. Bobby calls out a number.
BOBBY
B Four. B Four.
Patsy places her chip in the G column.
IRENE
(to Patsy)
I think he said B four.
PATSY
I don’t have B four so I’m doing B after.
Patsy takes a few more Bingo chips and places them in a line on her card.
Patsy calls out.
PATSY
Bingo!
BOBBY
Did someone call Bingo?
PATSY
Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
Bobby comes over to Patsy with a basket of goodies, candy bars, and chips. She doesn’t check her card.
BOBBY
We have a winner.
Bobby sets the prize basket down in front of Patsy.
BOBBY
Pick your prize.
From the opposite side of the room, another voice calls out.
BINGO PLAYER (O.C.)
Bingo!
Patsy takes out a candy bar. Bobby takes the basket and leaves for the other table.
BOBBY
Another winner.
Patsy picks up a handful of chips, dumps them onto Irene’s card.
PATSY
Hurry and say Bingo. You don’t want to miss this round.
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Margaret’s Comedy plots
What I learned: Three plots that set up your script for comedy.
1. Fish out of water – An independent woman is forced to stay in a nursing home.
2. Incongruent pairings – An independent, sane woman is forced to rely on dementia patients for help.
3. Hilarious purpose – An independent woman plans her escape from a nursing home with a team of dementia patients.
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Margaret’s Funny Scene!
What I learned from this assignment: I found the movie “RV” with Robin Williams funny. I love his sense of humor! What I discovered when I looked at the dialogue is that his punchlines are “incongruent”. I did not recognize the ingredient that made his lines funny until this class.
Dialogue from “RV”
“Once in every nighttime,
someone comes around. “
– “I’m coming to get you. ” setup
– No.
“There’s someone
that makes sleeping difficult. ” setup
“Cassie. “
“I’m coming. ” setup
Who’s there?
– “The Tickle Monster. ” payoff – expecting something evil and you get something fun.
– No.
“That’s right, Sylvester Stallone
is the Tickle Monster. “
“What?”
“What?”
Daddy, help. setup
I’m here, Cassie. setup
Unhand my daughter, Tickle Monster. Payoff – the father is actually playing the tickle monster with one hand and himself with the other.
Oh, hand – To – Hand.
– Look, over there.
– Go, Daddy, go.
“Oh, dear. “
– Is she still up?
– Yeah.
Yeah, I just gave her a warm bath… setup
…and now she’s more wide – Awake
than I am. setup
She won’t be so sharp
for her big meeting tomorrow. Payoff – incongruent, talking about a child as if she was an adult.
– Good night, sweetie.
– Night, Mommy.
Well, if I can get Carl to sleep
in the next 10 minutes…
– … you might still have a shot tonight. setup
– Use a mallet if you have to. Payoff – the fun father is now suggesting a mallet
– Daddy?
– Yeah, baby?
Why not? It’s not as bad as it looks.
Because I always want to live here
with you.setup
Well, you know, one day,
you’re gonna grow up…
…meet a wonderful guy,
and you’re gonna get married.
But you and I
will always be best friends.
Good night, Cassie.
Dad, could you be any more of a dork? Payoff – from “best friends” to dork
Cassie, you know where this girl lives
or you just think you know? setup
I know where,
i just know one way to get there.
– And you refuse to go that way. setup
– Because it’s a stupid way.setup
– If you consider getting there stupid.payoff
– Why don’t you use the navigation?
Because Sacajawea back there
doesn’t know the name of the street.setup
She knows it as “the one
next to the one with the fountain. “payoff
Hey, Dad,
cassie just gave you the finger.
If we don’t find this house
in two minutes –
– There it is.
– Okay, honey…
…hurry up, go get your friend.
– Jerk.setup
– I heard that. payoff
Good.
– Where are they?
– She just left.
Okay.
Which friend is this, the nice one?
You used to know all her friends.setup
– You were funny and charming.
– Well, she’s 15.
She doesn’t want me to be charming. setup
She finds it creepy.payoff – incongruent
Oh, no.
It’s the too – Nice one.
Any friend of Cassie’s
is always welcome.
We’re a little late.
Remember, congratulate Todd
on the Alpine soda merger…
…tell him the house looks great,
work in his outfit.setup
– Lick his face? Payoff – incongruent
No, don’t touch him.
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Hi! I’m Margaret Silebi. I have written four scripts (threw away the first one it was so bad!). I hope to enhance my dramedy with better comedy in this class. Something unique about me: I play the harp.
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Margaret’s Outline – Version 1
Concept: A Roman soldier, inspired by a letter from (St.) Patrick, betrays his mission, squad, and family risking his life to save a band of captured Irish Christians.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>OPENING – Four-year-old Marcus is taught fighting skills by his uncle, Coroticus, a Roman Soldier. At 18, Marcus enters the Roman army and joins his uncle’s unit, where he has to prove his skills.
Mission 1: Learn fighting skills from his Uncle Coroticus, who is like a father to him (his own father died as a hero in battle).
Emotion 1: Marcus is a four-year old who has just lost his father and struggles to learn to sword fighting with his uncle who has taken over as a father figure. His uncle encourages him to love God and serve his country, which Marcus swears an oath to do.
Action 1: Training – Four-year-old Marcus trains with wooden swords.
Mission 2: Marcus (now 18) joins the Roman Army.
Emotion 2: Marcus signs up with the Roman army at 18. In the hardness of “boot camp” he maintains a jovial spirit.
Villian 1: Coroticus (Roman Commander) chooses his nephew to join his elite squadron (9 soldiers total) for a mission to kill/capture Irish Christians for Rome and the church.
Emotion 3: His uncle has him placed in an elite fighting unit and he is mocked, scorned and beaten by the squad as undeserving since he is new and inexperienced at war (seen as getting in by favoritism, not merit). The squad also pokes fun at his father, saying he was too weak to live past his first mission and they threaten that Marcus will suffer the same fate.
Mission 3: Marcus must prove himself worthy to the squad members to join the elite military unit.
Emotion 4: Marcus must prove himself in a competition with the squad. He is better than all of them.
Action 2: Competition among the squad where Marcus reveals his expertise in weaponry (Plumbata, staff sling, crossbow, etc.)
Emotion 5: Marcus commits to ridding Ireland of a “cult” on a mission sanctioned by the church.
Mission 4: Marcus kills/captures Irish Christians (including Mary Elizabeth) under Coroticus’ leadership.
Emotion 6: On a raid in Ireland, Marcus lets a young boy live instead of killing him per his mission.
Villian 2: Coroticus receives a letter from a bishop (St. Patrick). The letter states his mission is not from God, but from the devil. Coroticus shares the letter with the squad.
THE INCITING INCIDENT
Mission 5: Marcus confronts his uncle with St. Patrick’s letter, attempts to turn him from his mission to kill/capture Christians.
Emotion 7: Confronted with the evil nature of his mission (realizing they are true Christians and not a cult he is killing), Marcus stands for what is right, not tradition, and turns from his mission to rescue the Christians.
Villian 3: Coroticus must choose to either follow the Irish Bishop’s guidance and release the Christians (a band of 5 women and 3 youths) or keep his oath to church and state and complete his mission.
Villian 4: Deceives his nephew and secretly sends two of his soldiers to sell the captured Christians to the Picts.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 1 – Marcus defies his uncle (Coroticus) and takes off after the captured Christians to free them from captivity.
Mission 6: Marcus must free the captured Christians before they are sold.
Action 3: Chase/Pursuit – Marcus must find and save the captured Christians before they reach the Picts
Villian 5: Coroticus realizes his nephew, Marcus, has betrayed him and his mission by going after the Christians to free them.
ACT 2:
Action 4: Fight – Hand to hand combat with the two Roman soldiers from his squad guarding the Christians. When the Roman soldiers refuse to give in, he kills them.
Emotion 8: In the attempt to free the Christians, Marcus must decide between killing soldiers of his own unit or leaving the Christians to be sold as slaves to the Picts, a barbarian tribe.
Action 5: Rescue – Marcus frees the Christians and escapes the Picts by taking the Christians down a cliff face to escape. Creatively uses javelin and ax to get the band down the cliff face.
MIDPOINT – The Picts are after Marcus. He realizes that he will have to fight them with the unskilled Christians.
ACT 3:
Mission 7: Marcus must defeat the Picts.
Action 6: Chase/Pursuit – A band of twenty Picts pursues Marcus and the Christians. Marcus trains the band in the use of weaponry and fighting tactics to avoid capture.
Action 7: Fight – Marcus and the Christians fight the Picts. Marcus risks his life to save Mary Elizabeth. The surviving Picts retreat.
Mission 8: Marcus must take the Christians safely back to their land.
Villian 6: Coroticus pursues Marcus to capture him and the Christians that have escaped.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 2 – Coroticus and his unit overtake and capture Marcus and the Christians.
Mission 9: Defeat Coroticus and his unit.
Action 8: Dangerous Situations – Marcus and the Christians are confronted by Coroticus and the Roman squad (6 soldiers left).
CRISIS
Action 9: Fight/Capture – Marcus and the band of Christians fight but are no match for the elite Roman squad and are captured.
Villian 7: Coroticus gives Marcus the choice between denying his internal convictions, rejoin his squadron and complete the mission given him by church and state or death by stoning.
Action 10: Interrogation: Marcus is confronted by Coroticus, roughly interrogated, given the choice of rejoining the squad or death by stoning.
Mission 10: Marcus will die for his convictions rather than give in.
Villian 8: Coroticus condemns his nephew to death by stoning.
CLIMAX/ ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF THE CONFLICT
Mission 11: Protect the Christians from death by stoning.
Action 11: Stoning- Marcus and the band of Christians are stoned by the squad. Marcus has the band cower together and he covers them with his body (and red cape) during the stoning.
RESOLUTION
Villian 9: Coroticus regrets his nephew’s death but is unable to deny his lifelong commitment to church and state. He removes his belt (which represents truth to him), lays it on his nephew’s grave (the stone pile), takes his unit back out to complete his mission.
Mission 12: A beaten and bruised Marcus stirs from the stone pile, belt in hand. the Christians under his body are alive. Marcus survives to fight again.
Villian 10: Coroticus sees from a distance that Marcus is alive, but, touched by his persistence and dedication to the truth, leaves him be.
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Margaret’s Fast Formatting!
What I learned: Techniques for formatting an action scene.
EXT. IRISH VILLAGE – DAY
Sunlit emerald grass and trees surround a small village.
Villagers suspend their tasks, run to the tune of a ram’s horn, gather in the center of the village, settle around…
…a gray-haired man (PREACHER) who raises his voice to the crowd.
PREACHER
May our great God shine down upon us and bless us this fine day! Let us begin this Lord’s day with praise for the one true God, the Father of us all.
The Preacher raises his hands…
SWOOSH!
… suddenly falls back dead, a plumbata (lead-weighted dart) stuck in his forehead.
Startled, the congregation jumps up.
SWISH! SWISH! SWISH!
Slingshot, arrows fly-
-men fall.
BLOOD CURDLING SCREAMS
Women and children run for their lives.
The contubernia, led by Coroticus, swoops down from a small rise just outside the village.
Coroticus sounds the charge.
COROTICUS
God be with us!
The soldiers in unison echo his prayer.
SOLDIERS
God be with us!
Coroticus and Marcus load staff slings (Sling shots mounted on the top of their javelins.)
SWOOSH! SWOOSH!
Their cast of lead balls from the slings take down two villagers with deadly accuracy.
The soldiers invade the village.
A COURAGEOUS young man (12) lifts a shovel to ward off Coroticus and, without pausing, Coroticus thrusts his javelin into the boy’s body.
The boy gasps, calls out.
COURAGEOUS
Ma-
Coroticus moves on.
Rufus lifts his bow and arrow, aims at a villager going into the doorway of his home.
SQUAWK! SQUAWK!
Rufus concentrates on his shot and ignores a large flustered chicken running by.
VALEN (9) grabs the chicken and sneaks up behind Rufus.
THUMP!
Felix appears at the villager’s doorway, knocks him down with the edge of his shield-
-grabs bread from the fallen man’s hands-
-stuffs it into his mouth.
Rufus lowers his bow just as Valen swings the chicken by its legs. The chicken’s flapping wings momentarily blind the soldier. Valen swings the chicken again and knocks the red-headed soldier unconscious.
Marcus hurls a plumbata at man aiming a knife at Hadrian-
SCREAM
-then scoops up a nearby woman, MARY ELIZABETH.
The screaming woman chastises him as he binds her hands and feet.
MARY ELIZABETH
You would kill God-fearin’ innocents?
MARCUS
You have no right-
MARY ELIZABETH
-Naught but a barbarian!
Marcus rips rope from his belt, binds her hands.
MARY ELIZABETH
Pict! No fear of God!
MARCUS
I follow the will of God! This mission is blessed by the pope himself.
MARY ELIZABETH
Heathen! Liar!
Marcus ignores her and turns back to the fight, only to see Brocchus dragging a woman into a house. His face contorts in anger.
Cassius notes Brocchus as he enters, laughs-
-runs after another villager.
Marcus starts after Brocchus.
SMACK!
Valen’s chicken impacts Marcus’ back.
Marcus turns, grabs the chicken, tosses it aside-
-puts a knife to Valen’s throat.
VISCERAL GROWL
Mary Elizabeth bares her teeth.
MARY ELIZABETH
You say you follow God! Let him live! He is but a boy.
Marcus, loathe to kill a youth, pauses-
-sheaths his knife-
-binds the boy’s hands.
MARCUS
(to Mary Elizabeth)
You may regret you saved his life. Both you and he will be sold to the Picts you despise.
Marcus pushes the boy towards Mary Elizabeth-
-Hadrian steps up behind Marcus, pulls at his arm, his face dark.
HADRIAN
Orders. Save only the women.
Marcus nods towards the struggling boy.
MARCUS
Still young enough to be trained as a slave.
Hadrian scans the defiant Valen’s face.
HADRIAN
(smirks)
As you will, Marcus. Hide him until we are finished.
Marcus grabs Valen, pulls him over to a loom of an unfinished rug, tips it over on top of the boy. Valen stills, his wide eyes peek out through the woolen threads.
Marcus enters a nearby house-
-a man runs out-
SWISH!
-Marcus’ knife flies out from a small peek hole (4-inch square) in the doorway, hits the man’s back-
-the man stumbles to the overturned loom.
-Valen calls out.
VALEN
Da!
Valen’s call alerts Cassius, who rushes over.
The man’s body falls onto the loom.
SCREAM
The loom shakes.
Cassius pokes his sword down through the rug and loom, looking for the source of the scream.
Hadrian holds onto two struggling women, SHANNON (20’s) and an overweight NESSA (30’s), while calling out to Cassius.
HADRIAN
Cassius!
Cassius turns from the loom to assist Hadrian.
Valen pulls himself out from under the loom and his dead father.
Marcus comes out of the house with a small, petite woman, ORLA, bound and slung over his shoulder. He dumps her next to Mary Elizabeth. Cassius and Hadrian leave their prisoners there as well.
The weeping women view the men of the village, strewn across the ground, dead or dying.
Brocchus steps into view, his hand clenched tightly onto the back of Valen’s tunic.
Marcus starts towards them, but Hadrian arrives first, breaking Brocchus’ hold, pulls the boy back.
HADRIAN
He will be sold.
Marcus steps between the angered Brocchus and Hadrian, who pulls the boy over to the captive women.
Cato sees the standoff between Marcus and Brocchus, motions to Coroticus with one hand as he pushes a sorrowful woman, BRONAGH (Bro-na) (20’s), in front of him.
Coroticus strides toward the prisoners, steps over the dead, calls out to his men.
COROTICUS
The work is done. String the women together.
Brocchus calls out to Coroticus.
BROCCHUS
I will finish the killing of the boy.
COROTICUS
Boy?
Brocchus motions to Hadrian and Valen. Hadrian pushes the boy down next to the women.
HADRIAN
The Picts will take him. Young enough to train.
Coroticus lifts his sword and moves towards the boy, but not before he catches the concern for the boy reflected in Marcus’ eyes.
He reaches Valen-
-lifts his sword-
-brings it down. The ropes between Valen’s feet sever.
COROTICUS
He will not be carried. If he can keep up, he will be sold.
-
Pre-Action
Anxiety. The Picts are coming to take the women as slaves.
Need for action: The group must flee or fight.
Change: Marcus wants to plan a way of killing Picts. Mary Elizabeth will only agree to stop them, not kill them or the women will flee instead of fight. Marcus must change his tactics.
Unique action: The women plant “lilies” with Marcus while Shannon mixes a herbal concoction.
Surprise: The Picts have arrived! No time to plan.
Fear. No time to plan or flee – they must fight or be killed. Bronagh hides.
Plan: Women will stop the Picts without killing them.
Question: Will the women be captured?
Action
Unique action: Ten of the 20 Picts are stopped by the “lilies”. Marcus attacks three more Picts with his sword and catches an arrow aimed at Mary Elizabeth.
Shock: The Picts have broken through the “lilies” and Marcus can’t fight them all. They have reached the women! Marcus is engaged with the Pict leader and can’t help.
Suspense: Four Picts have surrounded Mary Elizabeth. She begins an Irish dance.
Excitement: Mary Elizabeth is an amazing dancer. The warriors stop to watch. Marcus defeats the Pict leader and for Mary Elizabeth’s sake, knocks him out rather than kills him.
Unique action: Shannon offers two Picts a sip of water. Both fall immediately, succumbing to the sleeping draught.
New Threat/Unexpected support: A Pict grabs Orla. Nessa confronts him with her angry Irish tongue. When the Pict laughs, she falls him with a powerful left hook.
Test a relationship: Will Marcus trust Mary Elizabeth’s way of doing things?
Danger (Plan Fails): The Picts become bored with the dancing – step forward to capture Mary Elizabeth.
Test a relationship: Will Marcus trust Mary Elizabeth’s way of doing things? Marcus wants to intervene but Mary Elizabeth gives him a “wait” look.
Adrenaline (Plan succeeds): Mary Elizabeth’s dance becomes frenzied – her successive kicks are powerful and fell the four Picts.
Post Action
The women are safe!
Reveals the attraction between Mary Elizabeth and Marcus – Marcus runs to Mary Elizabeth when the Picts are felled and they embrace.
Reveals they still have an enemy: A Pict tells them that the Roman unit is coming.
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Margaret’s Unique Action!
What I learned doing this assignment: A strategy for brainstorming unique action! Thank you!!
Improvements I made:
What is Unique?
1. Environment: 400 BC
2. Rules: Soldiers follow their orders
3. Villian: Church and State
4. Mission: Save the Christians
5. Struggle: Struggle against morality of killing Christians
6. Unique Skillset: Roman fighting arts
7. Meaning: God is above man’s laws and above out man-made church institutions
8. Allies: The women he is trying to rescue
Strategies:
1. What if?
a. Among the women he is trying to save there are some non-Christians? A Judas that tips off the Romans?
2. Take to an extreme
a. The Barbarians yelled down the threat of finding them at the edge of the cliff?
b. Marcus uses his shield as a weapon? His defense is his offense.
c. Marcus can catch arrows and plumbata hurled at him, wears a leather strap around his hands that the soldiers make fun of, until they realize its purpose.
3. Specific to character or environment
a. Use of “lilies” to stop the barefoot Picts (hidden wooden spikes in the ground)
b. Marcus could teach the women to use what they do every day to fight a soldier?
i. Carry water on the shoulders – twist to heavy wood to smack the enemy
ii. Irish dance to distract – one to play the Irish whistle
iii. Offer a drink – puts them to sleep
4. Shocking or Surprising
a. A twist where one of the women actually turns the group into the Romans they are trying to escape from.
5. Go opposite
a. What if the women he is trying to help save believe differently than he does and doesn’t want to fight, just flee (don’t believe fighting is moral), while he believes in standing ground and fighting
6. What haven’t we seen?
a. Fighting techniques that include Irish dancing
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Margaret’s Level 3 Action Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment: It is not enough to just have action. You need to write the situation intentionally to create emotion.
Scene: Marcus finds the captured Christians, argues with Mary Elizabeth, fights and overcomes the two soldiers guarding them, plans to take them to freedom before the Picts arrive.
EXT. NORTHERN IRELAND – COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
Marcus hides in tall grass. The bound women and youth are positioned near a large rock, close to the edge of a cliff.
Brocchus and Hadrian warm themselves around a small campfire.
BROCCHUS
The Picts should be here on the morrow so we have tonight to enjoy ourselves.
Brocchus looks over at the women.
BROCCHUS
Which suits you?
Hadrian looks at his feet. Brocchus scoffs.
BROCCHUS
Torn between two?
Marcus uses his slingshot to create a noise behind the two soldiers.
The soldiers come immediately to alert.
HADRIAN
Picts?
BROCCHUS
They can only come from that direction, but we will see them coming down the hillside before they arrive.
Hadrian reviews the barren hills and open meadow behind them.
HADRIAN
A meeting place well thought. Must be an animal.
BROCCHUS
Find us our supper then!
Hadrian picks up his sword and quiver with bow and arrow, nods to Brocchus, heads out to the meadow.
Brocchus turns his lustful eyes towards the women.
From his hiding place, Marcus places a lead ball into his sling shot and swings it towards Brocchus. That same instant, Brocchus chooses to lean forward and stoke the fire. The shot misses him by a hair.
Brocchus grabs his sword and rushes towards the place where Marcus is hiding. Marcus jumps up, sword and shield in hand.
Brocchus growls at the sight of Marcus, throws his sword aside, leaps onto him. The unexpected reaction catches Marcus off guard and he tumbles to the ground.
The two fight, rolling towards the women. As Marcus nears Mary Elizabeth, she kicks him with all of her might.
Her unexpected kick leaves Marcus open to Brocchus’ punch. Momentarily stunned, Marcus falls back.
Brocchus takes a knife from his sheath and goes in for the kill. Marcus catches his arm and pulls it the ground, the knife penetrating the ground.
Marcus maintains his grip on Brocchus’ arm with one hand, and with the other unsheathes his own knife.
With a strong twist of his body, Marcus gains the upper position and slits Brocchus’ throat.
The women scream.
MARY ELIZABETH
Bloody murderer! And killing your own! Ye are the devil!
Marcus leaps up, strides towards Mary Elizabeth with his bloody knife.
The women shriek, panicked.
Marcus powerfully grips Mary Elizabeth’s legs to still them. He stares into her eyes while he cuts her leg bindings.
MARCUS
Shut your she-howling. I am here to save you.
Sparks fly from Mary Elizabeth’s eyes.
MARY ELIZABETH
It was you who put the bindings on!
Hadrian runs into the camp, sword drawn. He views Marcus and Brocchus’ still body.
HADRIAN
How did —
Marcus works at the bindings on Mary Elizabeth’s hands.
MARCUS
Help me untie the women, Hadrian. We need to leave.
Hadrian points his sword at Marcus.
HADRIAN
Orders are to wait for the Picts.
Marcus attempts to reason with him.
MARCUS
Hadrian, these women are Christians. Sisters in the Lord. It is our duty to protect them.
HADRIAN
You would betray Rome? Our duty is to the church and to the state!
Marcus turns to Hadrian but makes no attempt to retrieve his own sword.
MARCUS
Did not the words of the Bishop set your heart aflame? Surely, God is greater than the law of man.
Hadrian’s voice matches the cold, hard steel of the sword he flashes.
HADRIAN
I have sworn my life, my allegiance to Rome.
MARCUS
Yet you helped save the boy’s life. Why not the women?
Hadrian is not willing to hear more. He screams his response.
HADRIAN
You die tonight, traitor!
Hadrian steps forward to plunge the sword into Marcus but Mary sticks out her leg and trips him up as Marcus rolls away, scoops up his shield.
Hadrian recovers and delivers forceful blows with his sword. Marcus defends himself with the shield.
As they near the large rock, Marcus leaps up, bounces off the rock, brings the shield down on Hadrian’s arm, dislodging his sword.
Marcus drops the shield, delivers powerful punches. Hadrian staggers with the blows.
MARCUS
It does not have to be this way!
Hadrian grabs a plumbata from the back of the fallen shield, hurls it towards Marcus.
Marcus catches the speeding dart in his hand just before it penetrates his chest and in a quick motion returns it.
The dart finds a home in Hadrian’s forehead and the soldier crumples over.
The women are speechless.
Marcus hands Mary Elizabeth a knife.
MARCUS
Help me free them.
Mary Elizabeth mumbles an apology.
MARY ELIZABETH
I did not know. How could I know?
Marcus lifts her chin and smiles into her tearful face. The moment is broken from Tatiana’s scream.
TATIANA
The Picts!
Marcus turns his gaze to the hills. Small black dots appear over the ridge, moving slowly down the hill.
MARCUS
They will be here in two hours time. We must go quickly!
MARY ELIZABETH
We cannot go towards them. They will surely find us.
Marcus nods towards the sheer cliff face.
MARCUS
We will go down the cliff.
Tatiana wails.
TATIANA
Surely we will be killed! Dashed on the rocks.
MARCUS
We try, or the Picts will have you.
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Margaret’s Level 2 Action Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment: This wasn’t easy for me. I don’t know how to format the action. It took some effort to think of a shock sequence (killing of preacher).
EXT. IRISH VILLAGE – DAY
Sunlit emerald grass and trees surround a small village. Villagers suspend their tasks, run to the tune of a ram’s horn, gather in the center of the village.
A gray-haired man (PREACHER) raises his voice to the crowd.
PREACHER
May our great God shine down upon us and bless us this fine day! Let us begin this Lord’s day with praise for the one true God, the Father of us all.
The Preacher raises his hands, suddenly falls back dead, a plumbata (lead-weighted dart) stuck in his forehead.
Startled, the congregation jumps up and screams. Plumbata and slingshot fly.
The contubernia, lead by Coroticus, swoops down from a small rise just outside the village.
Coroticus sounds the charge.
COROTICUS
God be with us!
A young man with a shovel wards off Coroticus, but falls to his deadly sword.
A courageous young boy, VALEN (9), sneaks up behind Rufus who aims his bow and arrow at a villager going into the doorway of his house. The villager is struck down by Felix, who removes the bread from the dead man’s hands and stuffs his face with it.
Rufus lowers his bow just as Valen swings a large stick and knocks the red-headed soldier unconscious.
Marcus thrusts his javelin to fell an escaping villager, then scoops up a nearby woman, MARY ELIZABETH, who chastises him as he binds her hands and feet.
MARY ELIZABETH
You would kill God-fearin’ innocents? You are naught but a barbarian! The likes of a Pict!
MARCUS
You have no right to speak of God. We mean to silence those who follow the cultist Patrick.
MARY ELIZABETH
Cultist? He is a bishop! Ordained by the church himself!
Marcus pushes her down, stares into her eyes. Caught off guard by the Irish beauty, his tongue finds no voice.
Mary Elizabeth spits in his face.
MARY ELIZABETH
You serve the devil himself!
Her spit releases his tongue.
MARCUS
I follow the will of God! This mission is blessed by the pope himself.
MARY ELIZABETH
Heathen! Liar!
Marcus ignores her and turns back to the fight, only to see Brocchus dragging a woman into a house. His face contorts in anger.
Cassius notes Brocchus as he enters, laughs, runs after a villager.
Marcus starts after Brocchus but is detained by Valen and his swinging stick. Marcus easily overcomes the boy, pulls a knife to end his life, stops with Mary Elizabeth’s desperate plea.
MARY ELIZABETH
You say you follow God! Let him live! He is but a boy.
Marcus, loathe to kill a youth, sheaths his knife and binds the boy’s hands.
MARCUS
You may regret you saved his life. Both you and he will be sold to the Picts you despise.
Hadrian steps up behind Marcus, pulls at his arm, his face dark.
HADRIAN
Orders were to save only the women.
MARCUS
He will sell easily, still young enough to be trained as a slave.
Hadrian scans the defiant Valen’s face, laughs.
HADRIAN
As you will, Marcus. Hide him until we are finished.
Marcus grabs Valen, pulls him over to a loom of an unfinished rug, tips it over on top of the boy. Valen stills, his wide eyes peek out through the woolen threads.
Marcus enters a nearby house, a man runs out. As the man runs near the loom, Valen calls out.
VALEN
Da!
Valen’s call alerts Cassius, who runs to slay the man. The man’s body falls onto the loom. Valen screams.
Cassius pokes his sword down through the rug, looking for the source.
Hadrian holds onto two struggling women, CLAUDIA and CECILIA, while calling out to Cassius.
HADRIAN
Cassius!
Cassius turns from the loom to assist Hadrian. Valen pulls himself out from under the loom and his dead father.
Marcus comes out of the tent with a small bound woman, PRISCILLA, slung over his shoulder. He dumps her next to Mary Elizabeth. Cassius and Hadrian leave their prisoners there as well.
The weeping women view the men of the village, strewn across the ground, dead or dying.
Brocchus steps into view, his hand clenched tightly onto the back of Valen’s tunic.
Marcus starts towards them, but Hadrian arrives first, breaking Brocchus’ hold, pulls the boy back.
HADRIAN
(to Brocchus) He will be sold.
Marcus steps between the angered Brocchus and Hadrian, who pulls the boy over to the captive women.
Cato sees the standoff between Marcus and Brocchus, motions to Coroticus with one hand as he pushes another woman, TATIANA, in front of him.
Coroticus strides toward the prisoners, steps over the dead, calls out to his men.
COROTICUS
The work is done. String the women together.
Brocchus calls out to Coroticus.
BROCCHUS
I will finish the killing of the boy.
COROTICUS
Boy?
Brocchus motions to Hadrian and Valen. Hadrian pushes the boy down next to the women.
HADRIAN
He can be sold, sir. Still young enough to train as a slave.
Coroticus lifts his sword and moves towards the boy, but not before he catches the concern for the boy reflected in Marcus’ eye.
He reaches Valen, lifts his sword, brings it down. The ropes between Valen’s feet sever.
COROTICUS
He will not be carried. If he can keep up, he will be sold.
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Margaret’s Level 1 Action Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment: This is the first scene I attempted for this script. Funny how the anxiety of starting a new project can keep you from writing. I had difficulty putting the first words on paper – will it be good enough? The perfectionist in me lost against my training. Thank you, Hal, for previous lessons on letting go of perfectionism and giving yourself permission for the draft.
First Draft Scene:
INT. ROMAN CAMP – DAY
Marcus enters the tent and is met with a sudden silence. The surly soldiers move in around him, forcing him to back up against the tent wall.
Brocchus, a burly man who is clearly the leader, steps up to Marcus.
BROCCHUS
What right do you have here?
MARCUS
The same as you. Commissioned.
The men laugh in scorn.
BROCCHUS
You think a commission makes you worthy? We, all of us, have fought and won enemies three times our size. We depend on each other. Know each can hold his own.
Marcus doesn’t respond. Brocchus moves in closer, now nose to nose.
BROCCHUS
Tell us, how long have you served?
Marcus looks at his feet, quietly responds.
MARCUS
I am commissioned. If you have an issue with this, you may discuss it with my uncle.
The men smirk.
Brocchus grabs Marcus, throws him to the ground and places a foot on his chest, thundering his response.
BROCCHUS
Your uncle? We have no uncles in our unit! Coroticus is our COMMANDER.
Marcus remains silent. Brocchus removes his foot and nods to Cassius, who kicks Marcus in the side, causing him to double up.
CASSIUS
A babe in arms can get us all killed. A soldier of three months has no place in an elite contubernius.
Brocchus reaches down and lifts Marcus up to a standing position by the back of his tunic, and Cassius punches him in the abdomen. Marcus gasps for air.
Brocchus leans over to whisper in Marcus’ ear.
BROCCHUS
We intend to have you replaced. Your father’s fate awaits you.
At the mention of his father, Marcus straightens up.
MARCUS
What do you know of my father?
CASSIUS
We all know the unskilled dog never made it out of his first skirmish. Killed by barbarians, first fight.
His words light a fire in Marcus. He pushes past Brocchus to get to Cassius but a well-known voice stops him.
COROTICUS
Soldiers!
The men come to attention before their commander. Coroticus glares at Brocchus. Questioning.
BROCCHUS
Getting to know the new recruit, sir. Understand his capabilities, since we will be depending on one another.
COROTICUS
We will put your mind at ease. Everyone, out to the field. Bring your weapons.
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Margaret’s Favorite Twists
What I learned doing this assignment: New ways of thinking about what constitutes a twist.
My five favorite twists:
1. Danger == Safety: When we think Marcus is dead, he stirs from the stone pile.
2. Deceived== Surprising Truth: Coroticus agrees to free the Christians, but in reality, sends them to be sold as slaves.
3. Attacked==Protected: A woman takes down an experienced soldier who is mocking another woman with his sword by simply kicking him in the balls.
4. It Just Got Better==It Just Got worse: Just when Marcus defeats the Picts, his own Roman unit comes after him.
5. Plan Fails==Plan Succeeds: The group thinks their plan has failed until they successfully go down a cliff face.
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Margaret’s Likability/Empathy/Justification
What I learned doing this assignment: The components to help with Likability/Empathy. I have struggled with this in another script – so happy to have this guide!
Concept: A Roman soldier betrays his mission, squad, and family risking his life to save a band of captured Irish Christians.
1. Brainstorm answers to Likability/Empathy / Distress/Justified for your Hero.
LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY
A. Other people like or respect
the character – Uncle has adopted him.<div>B. The character shows love for
something – Love for GodC. They’re trying to do
something good – Trying to learn sword fighting to defend countryD. Save the cat — rescue or do
something good for someone else – Commits to church and state to rid
Ireland of a “cult”E. Funny, humorous, witty –
Making jokes trudging through the mud on his march through the mudF. Kindness – He lets Mary
Elizabeth’s nephew liveG. Good moral decisions and actions. Being on the right side – Touched by the letter from St. Patrick
EMPATHY / DISTRESS
A. Undeserved misfortune –
Father died as a child </div><div>B. External Character conflicts
– Should he follow his mission or his convictionsC. Plot intruding on life –
Letter from St. Patrick requires him to turn from his missionD. Moral dilemmas.- Must turn
from church and state to follow his convictionsE. Forced decisions they’d never make.- Forced to kill two soldiers from his squad
F. Wound attacked.- Mocked by the squad that his father was killed and it will be the same for him
JUSTIFICATION
A. The character or their family abused.- Accused of being selected for the unit by favoritism from
the commanderB. Threatened by others – threatened by members of his own squad
C. The hero is the victim of attacks – Squad mocks and beats him for not being rightfully part of their group
D. They’ve suffered major losses.- Lost his father as a boy
E. The Villain or their representatives have trespassed.- The squad doesn’t accept him.
2. Sequence for first act:
Opening scene: Marcus is a four-year-old who has just lost his father and struggles to learn to sword fighting with his uncle who has taken over as a father figure. His uncle encourages him to love God and serve his country, which Marcus swears an oath to do.
Marcus signs up with the Roman army at 18. In the hardness of “boot camp” he maintains a jovial spirit.
His uncle has him placed in an elite fighting unit and he is mocked, scorned and beaten by the squad as undeserving since he is new and inexperienced at war (seen as getting in by favoritism, not merit). The squad also pokes fun at his father, saying he was too weak to live past his first mission and they threaten that Marcus will suffer the same fate.
Marcus must prove himself in a competition with the squad.
Marcus commits to ridding Ireland of a “cult” on a mission sanctioned by the church.
On a raid in Ireland, Marcus lets a young boy live instead of killing him per his mission.
In the attempt to free the Christians, Marcus must decide between killing soldiers of his own unit or leaving the Christians to be sold as slaves to the Picts, a barbarian tribe.
Margaret’s Story Map
OPENING
Mission 1: Learn fighting skills from his Uncle Coroticus, who is like a father to him (his own father died as a hero in battle).
Emotion 1: Marcus is a four-year-old who has just lost his father and struggles to learn to sword fighting with his uncle who has taken over as a father figure. His uncle encourages him to love God and serve his country, which Marcus swears an oath to do.
Action 1: Training – Four-year-old Marcus trains with wooden swords.
Mission 2: Marcus (now 18) joins the Roman Army.
Emotion 2: Marcus signs up with the Roman army at 18. In the hardness of “boot camp,” he maintains a jovial spirit.
Villian 1: Coroticus (Roman Commander) chooses his nephew to join his elite squadron (9 soldiers total) for a mission to kill/capture Irish Christians for Rome and the church.
Emotion 3: His uncle has him placed in an elite fighting unit and he is mocked, scorned, and beaten by the squad as undeserving since he is new and inexperienced at war (seen as getting in by favoritism, not merit). The squad also pokes fun at his father, saying he was too weak to live past his first mission and they threaten that Marcus will suffer the same fate.
Mission 3: Marcus must prove himself worthy to the squad members to join the elite military unit.
Emotion 4: Marcus must prove himself in a competition with the squad.
Action 2: Competition among the squad where Marcus reveals his expertise in weaponry (Plumbata, staff sling, crossbow, etc.)
Emotion 5: Marcus commits to ridding Ireland of a “cult” on a mission sanctioned by the church.
Mission 4: Marcus kills/captures Irish Christians (including Mary Elizabeth) under Coroticus’ leadership.
Emotion 6: On a raid in Ireland, Marcus lets a young boy live instead of killing him per his mission.
Villian 2: Coroticus receives a letter from a bishop (St. Patrick). The letter states his mission is not from God, but from the devil. Coroticus shares the letter with the squad.
THE INCITING INCIDENT
Mission 5: Marcus confronts his uncle with St. Patrick’s letter, attempts to turn him from his mission to kill/capture Christians.
Emotion 7: Confronted with the evil nature of his mission (realizing they are true Christians and not a cult he is killing), Marcus stands for what is right, not tradition, and turns from his mission to rescue the Christians.
Villian 3: Coroticus must choose to either follow the Irish Bishop’s guidance and release the Christians (a band of 5 women and 3 youths) or keep his oath to church and state and complete his mission.
Villian 4: Deceives his nephew and secretly sends two of his soldiers to sell the captured Christians to the Picts.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 1
Mission 6: Marcus must free the captured Christians before they are sold.
Action 3: Chase/Pursuit – Marcus must find and save the captured Christians before they reach the Picts
Villian 5: Coroticus realizes his nephew, Marcus, has betrayed him and his mission by going after the Christians to free them.
Action 4: Fight – Hand to hand combat with the two Roman soldiers from his squad guarding the Christians. When the Roman soldiers refuse to give in, he kills them.
Emotion 8: In the attempt to free the Christians, Marcus must decide between killing soldiers of his own unit or leaving the Christians to be sold as slaves to the Picts, a barbarian tribe.
Action 5: Rescue – Marcus frees the Christians and escapes the Picts by taking the Christians down a cliff face to escape. Creatively uses javelin and axe to get the band down the cliff face.
MIDPOINT
Mission 7: Marcus must defeat the Picts.
Action 6: Chase/Pursuit – A band of twenty Picts pursues Marcus and the Christians. Marcus must train the band in the use of weaponry and fighting tactics to avoid capture.
Action 7: Fight – Marcus and the Christians fight the Picts. Marcus risks his life to save Mary Elizabeth. The surviving Picts retreat.
Mission 8: Marcus must take the Christians safely back to their land.
Villian 6: Coroticus pursues Marcus to capture him and the Christians that have escaped.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 2
Mission 9: Defeat Coroticus and his unit.
Action 8: Dangerous Situations – Marcus and the Christians are confronted by Coroticus and the Roman squad (6 soldiers left).
CRISIS
Action 9: Fight/Capture – Marcus and the band of Christians fight but are no match for the elite Roman squad and are captured.
Villian 7: Coroticus gives Marcus the choice between denying his internal convictions, rejoin his squadron and complete the mission given him by church and state or death by stoning.
Action 10: Interrogation: Marcus is confronted by Coroticus, roughly interrogated, given the choice of rejoining the squad or death by stoning.
Mission 10: Marcus will die for his convictions rather than give in.
Villian 8: Coroticus condemns his nephew to death by stoning.
CLIMAX
Mission 11: Protect the Christians from death by stoning.
Action 11: Stoning- Marcus and the band of Christians are stoned by the squad. Marcus has the band cower together and he covers them with his body (and red cape) during the stoning.
RESOLUTION
Villian 9: Coroticus regrets his nephew’s death but is unable to deny his lifelong commitment to church and state. He removes his belt (which represents truth to him), lays it on his nephew’s grave (the stone pile), and takes his unit back out to complete his mission.
Mission 12: A beaten and bruised Marcus stirs from the stone pile, belt in hand. the Christians under his body are alive. Marcus survives to fight again.
Villian 10: Coroticus sees from a distance that Marcus is alive, but, touched by his persistence and dedication to the truth, leaves him be.
</div>
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Margaret’s Story Map
What I learned doing this assignment: Combining all of the elements created layers that make the story interesting.
OPENING
Mission 1: Learn fighting skills from his Uncle Coroticus, who is like a father to him (his own father died as a hero in battle).
Action 1: Training – Four-year-old Marcus trains with wooden swords.
Mission 2: Marcus (now 18) joins the Roman Army.
Villian 1: Coroticus (Roman Commander) chooses his nephew to join his elite squadron (9 soldiers total) for a mission to kill/capture Irish Christians for Rome and the church.
Mission 3: Marcus must prove himself worthy to the squad members to join the elite military unit.
Action 2: Competition among the squad where Marcus reveals his expertise in weaponry (Plumbata, staff sling, crossbow, etc.)
Mission 4: Marcus kills/captures Irish Christians (including Mary Elizabeth) under Coroticus’ leadership.
Villian 2: Coroticus receives a letter from a bishop (St. Patrick). The letter states his mission is not from God, but from the devil. Coroticus shares the letter with the squad.
THE INCITING INCIDENT
Mission 5: Marcus confronts his uncle with St. Patrick’s letter, attempts to turn him from his mission to kill/capture Christians.
Villian 3: Coroticus must choose to either follow the Irish Bishop’s guidance and release the Christians (a band of 5 women and 3 youths) or keep his oath to church and state and complete his mission.
Villian 4: Deceives his nephew and secretly sends two of his soldiers to sell the captured Christians to the Picts.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 1
Mission 6: Marcus must free the captured Christians before they are sold.
Action 3: Chase/Pursuit – Marcus must find and save the captured Christians before they reach the Picts
Villian 5: Coroticus realizes his nephew, Marcus, has betrayed him and his mission by going after the Christians to free them.
Action 4: Fight – Hand to hand combat with the two Roman soldiers from his squad guarding the Christians. When the Roman soldiers refuse to give in, he kills them.
Action 5: Rescue – Marcus frees the Christians and escapes the Picts by taking the Christians down a cliff face to escape. Creatively uses javelin and axe to get the band down the cliff face.
MIDPOINT
Mission 7: Marcus must defeat the Picts.
Action 6: Chase/Pursuit – A band of twenty Picts pursue the Marcus and the Christians. Marcus must train the band in the use of weaponry and fighting tactics to avoid capture.
Action 7: Fight – Marcus and the Christians fight the Picts. Marcus risks his life to save Mary Elizabeth. The surviving Picts retreat.
Mission 8: Marcus must take the Christians safely back to their land.
Villian 6: Coroticus pursues Marcus to capture him and the Christians that have escaped.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 2
Mission 9: Defeat Coroticus and his unit.
Action 8: Dangerous Situations – Marcus and the Christians are confronted by Coroticus and the Roman squad (6 soldiers left).
CRISIS
Action 9: Fight/Capture – Marcus and the band of Christians fight but are no match for the elite Roman squad and are captured.
Villian 7: Coroticus gives Marcus the choice between denying his internal convictions, rejoin his squadron and complete the mission given him by church and state, or death by stoning.
Action 10: Interrogation: Marcus is confronted by Coroticus, roughly interrogated, given the choice of rejoining the squad or death by stoning.
Mission 10: Marcus will die for his convictions rather than give in.
Villian 8: Coroticus condemns his nephew to death by stoning.
CLIMAX
Mission 11: Protect the Christians from death by stoning.
Action 11: Stoning- Marcus and the band of Christians are stoned by the squad. Marcus has the band cower together and he covers them with his body (and red cape) during the stoning.
RESOLUTION
Villian 9: Coroticus regrets his nephew’s death but is unable to deny his lifelong commitment to church and state. He removes his belt (which represents truth to him), lays it on his nephew’s grave (the stone pile), and takes his unit back out to complete his mission.
Mission 12: A beaten and bruised Marcus stirs from the stone pile, belt in hand. the Christians under his body are alive. Marcus survives to fight again.
Villian 10: Coroticus sees from a distance that Marcus is alive, but, touched by his persistence and dedication to the truth, leaves him be.
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Margaret’s Action Structure!
What I learned doing this assignment:
Concept: A Roman soldier betrays his mission, squad, and family risking his life to save a band of
OPENING
Four-year-old Marcus is taught fighting skills by his uncle, Coroticus, a Roman Soldier. At 18, Marcus enters the Roman army and joins his uncle’s unit, where he has to prove his skills.
THE INCITING INCIDENT
The unit’s mission to kill/capture Irish Christians prompts a letter from St. Patrick. Marcus realizes killing Christians is wrong and confronts his uncle.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 1
Marcus defies his uncle and takes off after the captured Christians to free them from the Picts.
MIDPOINT
Marcus defeats the Picts and agrees to take the Christians back to their land.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT 2
Coroticus and his unit overtake and capture Marcus and the Christians.
CRISIS
Marcus is confronted by Coroticus and is given the choice of rejoining the squad or death by stoning.
CLIMAX
Marcus and the band of Christians are stoned by the squad.
RESOLUTION
Coroticus realizes Marcus was right, but refuses to concede and leaves with his unit to continue the mission. Marcus stirs from the stone pile after they leave, alive to continue the fight.
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Margaret’s Action Track!
What I learned doing this assignment: The list of categories of action helps to brainstorm possible action sequences.
Concept: A Roman soldier betrays his mission, squad, and family risking his life to save a band of captured Irish Christians.
Answer the Action Questions:
A. Considering the concept from
Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie? Chase scenes,
scenes using Roman fighting arts.
B. Considering the Mission and
Villain Tracks, what action could work for this track?Chase/pursuit, rescue, escape/evade, dangerous situations.
C. How can the action start
well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act?Start with pursuit end in capture with death sentence.
. Select the types of action you’ll use.
Competition:
Complaints from the squad that Coroticus (the commander) allowed Marcus (a
new recruit) to join an experienced, elite squad sets up a competition
among the 8 man squad where Marcus reveals his fighting skills.Purpose: Insight into Marcus’ skills, showing him as a
champion of all Roman fighting arts: Plumblata, staff sling, crossbow,
etc.<div><b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Chase/Pursuit:
(Foot chase). Marcus must find and save the captured Christians before
they reach the Picts (a barbarian group that will buy the Christians as
slaves).Purpose: Insight into Marcus’ convictions. Shows he is
willing to betray the commander (his uncle who has been a father to him),
his squad and the church’s mission to kill/capture the Christians to do
what he feels is right in God’s eyes.<div>
Fight:
Takes out Picts with the plumbata and staff sling. Hand-to-hand combat with the two Roman soldiers from his squad guarding the Christians. When the Roman soldier refuses to give in, he kills him.Purpose: Shows Marcus is willing to kill members of
his own squad to save Christians.Rescue:
Marcus frees the Christians and escapes with the band amidst sleeping Picts and over a cliff to escape. Creatively
uses staff and axe to get the band down the cliff face.Purpose: Shows Marcus’ creativity in helping the unskilled
group escape.Chase/Pursuit:
A band of twenty Picts pursues the Marcus and the Christians. Marcus must
train the band in the use of weaponry and fighting tactics to avoid
capture.Purpose: Shows Marcus’ ability to lead and organize a
small band to fight a dangerous enemy.Fight/Evade: Marcus and the Christians fight the Picts and the surviving Picts retreat.
a. Purpose: Shows Marcus’ unique skill set – able to kill at least 10 Picts when he is surrounded by them. Shows his relationship with Mary Elizabeth, risking his life to save her.
Dangerous Situations:
Marcus and the Christians escape only to be confronted by the Roman squad
(6 left).Purpose: Show Marcus’ internal conflict between
loyalty to his uncle (Corticus) and the squad and his loyalty to God.</div><div><b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Fight/Capture: Marcus and the band of Christians fight but are no match for the elite Roman squad and are captured.
a. Purpose: Set Marcus up for his ultimate confrontation with his uncle.
Interrogation: Marcus
is confronted by Coroticus and is given the choice of rejoining the squad
or death by stoning.Purpose: Puts the hero to the ultimate test – will he
give his life for his convictions?</div>Stoning:
Marcus and the band of Christians are stoned by the squad. Marcus has the
band cower together and he covers them with his body during the stoning.Purpose: Show Marcus’ loyalty to the Christians and
Coroticus’ loyalty to church and state.</div>
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Margaret’s Villain Track!
What I learned: It isn’t enough to know your hero’s path – the villain’s track must also be preplanned before writing your script.
Villain Track questions:
A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero? The plan could be pre-existing or created on the spot.
· MISSION: Coroticus chooses his nephew to join his elite squadron for a mission to kill/capture Irish Christians for Rome and the church.
· CONFRONTATION: A bishop (St. Patrick) sends Coroticus a letter stating his mission is not from God, but from the devil.
· DILEMMA: Believe his nephew and release the Christians or keep his oath to church and state and complete his mission.
· DISCOVERY: Realizes there is a traitor in his squadron.
· DECEPTION: Deceives his nephew and secretly sends captured Christians on to Rome.
· CHASE: Pursues the hero to capture him and the Christians that have escaped.
· CAPTURE: Captures the hero and gives him the choice between denying his internal convictions, rejoin his squadron and complete the mission given him by church and state or death by stoning.
· DECISION: Condemns his nephew to death by stoning.
· FITTING ENDING: He realizes his nephew was right but unable to deny his lifelong commitment to church and state so he takes off his belt (represents truth to him) and lays it on his nephew’s grave.
B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the hero?
· Punish him as a soldier
· Strip him of soldier rank
· Sentence him to death
C. What advantage does the Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie?
· He is the hero’s commander
· He knows the hero’s skills because he trained him
· He is more experienced at fighting
D. What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain where they pay for what they’ve done?
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Margaret’s Hero’s Mission Track
What I learned: Thinking about the mission added another layer to my original concept of the story.
Ask the Mission Track questions to discover your Hero’s mission.
A. What is it about this Hero
that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds?Marcus is committed to the cause of protecting his religion since his youth, but when he realizes he is a threat to his own cause and at risk to lose his own soul, he begins a mission he will give everything to achieve.
B. What is the mission that
would be an impossible goal?Save the Irish Christians from the Roman army, Church and State.
C. What strong internal and
external motivation could drive the hero?Internal: Preserve his own soul – save the Irish Christians he helped capture.
External: Irish Christians need to be saved before they are sold as slaves to the Picts.
D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this
mission against this villain?Marcus might be captured or killed.
Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.
Clear Mission: Save the Irish Christians before they are sold to the Picts.
Motivation: Part of an elite Roman
squadron commissioned by the church to kill and capture Irish “Christians”
whom Marcus has been told is a “cult” by the church.
Inciting Incident: A bishop
(St. Patrick) writes a letter to the soldiers of Coroticus stating that these Christians are true believers and that they have been ensnared by the devil to do his work. Marcus fears God’s judgment.
First Action: Confront his uncle (Coroticus), the commander of the squadron with the letter.
Coroticus feigns belief and assures Marcus the Irish Christians will be
released.
Obstacle: Marcus discovers a
group of Christians have not been released but are bound and being taken for
sale to the Picts.
Escalation: Marcus must find
and save the Christians before they reach the Picts and the exchange is
made.
Overwhelming Odds: He finds himself at war with both the Picts and his own unit.
New Plan: Get the Christians back to their own land.
Full out Attack: Coroticus is sent after his nephew and the rescued Christians.
Success: Coroticus captures the
Christians and his nephew. He gives Marcus the ability to walk away and rejoin the squadron. Marcus chooses to die, stoned with the Christians,
rather than freedom. Marcus is left for dead under a pile of stones but survives to fight again. -
Hello! My name is Margaret Silebi. This will be my 4th script (I’ve written 4 but my first isn’t worth mentioning and two are in first draft stage.) I hope how to write an action screenplay. I plan to write this one in my MSC 15 class but haven’t written in the action genre before. Something unusual about me: I am a Director of Nursing in my other life.
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Margaret’s Hero and Villain
What I learned: Using creative processes helps one discover the emotional journey of the hero and villain.
THE CROSS & THE SWORD
Concept: When the pope sends the army to kill Irish Christians, a letter from a Bishop turns a Roman soldier’s allegiance from church and country to subvert his own elite unit. Inspired by St. Patrick’s Letter to Coroticus.
Hero Morally Right: Fights to save Christians from an unjust death.
Villain Morally Wrong: Follows the orders of the church even though their decisions are based on greed and jealousy.
Hero: JUSTUS
A. Unique Skill Set – Highly
trained since he was 4-years-old in all Roman fighting skills. Uses unique
tools (Plumbata, staff sling, etc.) at a level that other soldiers can’t
match. <div>B. Motivation: Oath given to
God to do His will.C. Secret or Wound: Justus is a
third-generation soldier, taught from birth by his uncle (Coroticus) to be
loyal to the Roman army and the church. He is going against both to follow
what he feels is God’s will, disobeying his uncle who is his direct
commander. His father was a commander killed by barbarians in a skirmish
with the Picts when he was a baby.<div>
Villain: COROTICUS
A. Unbeatable: A notorious
Roman commander, Coroticus taught the hero everything he knows about and
has the backing of church and state. </div><div>B. Plan/Goal: To complete the
mission given him by church and state: Annihilate the Christians in
Ireland, who the church considers a cult led by (Saint) Patrick, a bishop.C. What they lose if Hero
survives: If he doesn’t fulfill his mission, he would lose his reputation
and position in the Roman army.Impossible Mission
A. Puts Hero in Action: Save
the Irish Christians from annihilation. </div>B. Demands They Go Beyond Their
Best: In order to win, he must exhibit greater skills than the man who
taught him and sabotage his mission without discovery. He must also betray
his uncle, who is like a father to him, his church and his state.C. Destroy the Villain: If the
hero wins, he would destroy his beloved uncle’s reputation and his
position as a Roman army commander.</div>
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Margaret’s Conventions!
What I learned doing this assignment: I learned the conventions for action movies.
Title: THE CROSS & THE SWORD
Concept: When the pope sends the army to kill Irish Christians, a letter from a Bishop turns a Roman soldier’s allegiance from church and country to subvert his own elite unit. Inspired by St. Patrick’s Letter to Coroticus.
Conventions
Hero: A Roman Soldier highly skilled
in fighting arts (Plumbata, staff sling…)Mission: To save Irish Christians
from the elite military unit sent to kill them.Demand for Action: Must subvert
his own unit’s mission to kill Christians and avoid discovery
Antagonist: Coroticus – The Commander
of the unit, the agent of church and stateEscalating Action: Secretly
saving while his unit is killing while escaping traps set for him -
Margaret Silebi
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As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
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have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can
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any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted
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I really like your idea for having the second antagonist as a neighbor character! I think that can add a cool layer to your story and I think your concept is awesome (and funny)!
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I really like how unique your concept is! The characters are interesting and I can’t wait to see how the grandma/granddaughter relationship dynamics play out!
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I love this concept Cassie! I’m sure it will be amazing in any genre you decide. I can personally picture it as a comedy that I would enjoy watching!
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Francine, I LOVE your title! Knowing the concept makes the title even better!
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Your concept is so intriguing Alyssa! It makes me want to know more about the origins of the fortunes. Is there some corrupt corporation producing these fortunes and making people do tasks for them? Or is it some magical force? I am excited to see where the concept goes!
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Ruthie, I love this concept! It makes me want to follow your protagonist internally, because I am wondering if they will feel guilt for taking their client’s role. I can’t wait to see what your idea turns into!
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Nice to meet you Cassie!
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I agree to the terms of this release form. -Haley Chambers
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Got you beat on the age. 65. LOL