[Marian]

Hi!

There seem to be two introduction posts. So here I go again:

My name is Marian. I have written 8 scripts and some concepts, pitches, etc.

In this course, I hope to develop a great pitch for a contained movie I can add to my portfolio. I have just finished the Rewriting Class, so I start the course when I am done with the rewrite and may be a little behind in posting my stuff here…

I am a big movie fan and collect movies, also I like to play video games and learn new skills. I am from Germany and write mostly in German language and translate it, so my English will not be perfect 😀

Great to meet you all, best

Marian

[Marian]

Marian Redmann Description – Shark Abyss

What I learned from this assignment is that sometimes I can think as much as I want… I can’t find a better solution. But the doubt remains if it can’t be done better…

LINE: An intimate moment.

NEED: Two people embrace intimately. I want to give some time to this moment and not write: “They hug. – A beat.” Maybe there is a better description of this intimate moment?

LINE: FREDDY, the shark, is irritated, turns, and starts circling Lisanna.

NEED: Sharks circle potential prey before attacking. Here the shark doesn’t know yet if it should attack, but it already looks very threatening. Is this the best way to show it?

LINE: Lisanna fishes out a packet of pills in her pocket and swallows one unnoticed.

NEED: I want to depict Lisanna secretly fingering in her bag. But so inconspicuously that no one notices.

LINE: An inflatable boat with Lisanna, Julian, and two other men, HANNO and DIRK, on their way to the diving site.

NEED: Here I have 2 people we know and two new characters. Is this the shortest and most concise way to portray that we have these 4 people on the boat?

LINE: Are Lisanna’s nerves going crazy in this cramped atmosphere?

NEED: It’s a question that the reader is offered to ask himself. I think it’s legitimate to just bring it up like that and also effective. Maybe there’s something that’s not a direct question in the reader’s mind?

LINE: Julian looks tense.

NEED: A question that comes up for me more often. How do I succinctly portray that someone is tense or under pressure without falling into more clichés, like, he’s breaking out in a sweat, etc.?

LINE: Lisanna is panicking and gets rid of her compressed air cylinder.

NEED: Lisanna is panic-stricken, so she can no longer think clearly, acts instinctively, and is filled with anxiety. Is there a better word/action for this?

LINE: Lisanna rushes through the hold.

NEED: Very difficult. Here I have a room full of water and Lisanna is swimming across the room as fast as she can. I’ve already used this phrase (“swims as fast as she can”). Sprinting implies that she is walking. But it has to be something you can do in the water, like paddling. Like: “Lisanna paddles wildly through the hold.

Thank you very much for your feedback!

marian.redmann@t-online.de

[Marian]

Marian’s Marketing Campaign

What I learned doing this assignment is, that it’s essential to keep improving, think about possibilities to market my script, and find opportunities.

Marketing Campaign #6

Plan of actions & Actions taken:

– Do whatever it takes to elevate the writing … and your pitch
– Hook with High Concept and the most interesting parts of your screenplay
– Meeting on social networks/ LinkedIn
– Ask people for recommendations
– Strengthen relationships with personal meetings/ Zoom

Action to take next:

– getting feedback on the submissions and follow up

[Marian]

Marian’s Query Letter Draft ONE

What I learned doing this assignment is, that I was able to shorten my QL even further than I thought.

(SUBJECT LINE) Wetsands – Survival-Thriller script based on true events

Dear (NAME),

did you know that there are deadly dangers in the popular vacation destination North Sea?

My survival thriller script “Wetsands” is based on true events. The female-focused story is about a mudflat crossing that becomes a deadly fight for survival for 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her younger sister Tessa.

Before I went to the Munich Academy of Motion Pictures and Television, I grew up on a North Sea Island.

Attached you find a short promo that gives the background and concept of “Wetsands”.

Does this sound like an interesting project for you? I would be happy to send you the script!

Best regards and thanks for your effort!

Name / Contact Info

Looking forward to critiques! Thank you very much!

E-Mail: marian.redmann@t-online.de

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/marian-redmann/

[Marian]

Marian’s Phone Pitch

What I learned doing this assignment is, that it’s great to have guidelines but ultimately, I have to do what feels best for me personally. So, I have added a lead strategy of my own.

Lead with an honest compliment.

Hello, my name is Marian,

I am excited about your last movie. I thought it was an exceptionally brave story in a strong genre, so I would love to pitch you a story I wrote.
Before I went to the Academy of Television and Film, I grew up on a North Sea Island. The North Sea thrills tourists, but hardly anyone knows, that it can be very dangerous.
With the sea rescuers, I experienced on our island, more than one time per week, tourists have to be rescued from the mud flats.
My story is a survival thriller that is based on true events. For 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her younger sister Tessa, a mudflat crossing becomes a deadly fight for survival.
The script is 90 pages and has a dramatic ending where Hannah not only has to save herself and her sister after being dunked in dangerous muddy sand but also has to face a dark family secret.
The budget is in the range of 2-5 million euros and the project would be ideal for upcoming young actresses who have already built their fanbase.
I imagine this could be an interesting project for you as you have done similar projects successfully in the past. What do you think?
I will gladly send the script and a small promo. Thank you very much.

[Marian]

Marian’s Amazing Opening Scene!

What I learned doing this assignment is, that it is very helpful to brainstorm different versions of the first scene. Even if I don’t use them, I can still use them later if needed or incorporate the scenes elsewhere.

ORIGINAL OPENING
In the original opening, divers are attacked by a shark. The attack sets the story in motion and introduces the genre. It’s sort of a cliché but also a genre convention to start a shark thriller with a shark attack. In the current version of the scene, however, the attack does not seem fresh and spectacular enough. Also, I want to introduce the Nazi Submarine set.

SETUP/TWIST OPENING

FLASHBACK: Lisanna is a loving mother at the 5th birthday party of her daughter Mia. Mia is happy, blows out the candles on her cake and gets presents. Everything seems perfect. The happy mood is abruptly interrupted when a special police squad enters and arrests Lisanna in front of her shocked daughter.

UNIQUE CHARACTER OPENING / ACTION OPENING

FLASHBACK: Lisanna at a campaign of environmental activists. Her boyfriend Julian (later antagonist) is part of the group. They want to blow up a pipeline. The detonator is activated. Unexpectedly, passers-by appear. Lisanna wants to defuse the bomb, but it is too late. The bomb explodes and injures some passers-by, including a little girl. Lisanna is shocked.

SHOCKING OPENING

Dangerous sharks are brought to an offshore drilling station. Antagonist Julian oversees the unloading. A worker questions what they are doing and criticizes Julian. Unnoticed by the other men, Julian pushes him into one of the shark tanks and watches as the man is mauled by sharks while pretending to try to help him.

Although I like the alternative beginnings, especially the arrest of Lisanna at Mia’s birthday, I decided (for now) to stick with the genre-standard shark-attack beginning because I think it is the beginning the readers expect. I will improve the attack to make it more provocative and surprising.

ORIGINAL SCENE:

INT. UNDERWATER CAVE – DAY

Deep blue, almost black. Only the beam of a diver’s lamp penetrates the darkness of the sediment-strewn waters of the underground cave.

A DIVER marks something on the rock and sets a large underwater drill. The powerful drill eats into the rock, slightly shaking the vault.

Suddenly, the diver is rammed by a tremendous force. For a fraction of a second, we can guess what he sees before he passes out: A GIANT SHARK!

The drill slips, injuring the diver. Blood mixes with water, obscuring his vision.

Huge teeth claw into human flesh. The diver is torn to pieces by the shark.

TITLE: “SHARK ABYSS”

REWRITTEN OPENING

INT. UNDERWATER CAVE – DAY

Deep black water. A beam of light illuminates a faded swastika. In the murk, the outline of an old, rusted Nazi submarine.

TWO DIVERS open the old boarding hatch and dive inside the submarine.

Unnoticed, a BIG SHADOW flits by.

INT. OLD SUBMARINE – DAY

The divers look around the submarine. A ghostly atmosphere. Rusty weapons, documents, and explosives!

One of the men grabs an old Wehrmacht stick grenade.

A LOUD, THUMPING blow.

The diver drops the grenade in shock. Panic in the eyes of the men. Followed by EERIE SILENCE.

AGAIN, SOMETHING RAMS with force against the hatch leading to the torpedo bay. Spellbound, the men look to the hatch. What the hell is going on here?

WHAMMM! With incredible force, the hatch is torn from its hinges. The massive iron door hurls forward. Hits one of the divers hard, jamming him.

The diver under the heavy iron door tries to free himself while his partner shines a light into the darkness of the torpedo room. Nothing to see.

But something lurks in the darkness…

Then a HUGE SHARK shoots out and RAMS the diver with the torch. The man loses consciousness. The other diver grabs his harpoon. Aims at the shark.

In a flash, the giant shark turns and hurls the unconscious man with a tremendous TAILWHIP toward the diver with the harpoon.

The unconscious man is impaled by the harpoon. The shark races toward the trapped diver. A huge mouth with rows of razor-sharp teeth…

PANICALLY the diver grabs the STICK GRENADE and ignites it the moment the shark reaches him.

A tremendous EXPLOSION shakes the submarine.

TITLE: “SHARK ABYSS”

[Marian]

MARIAN’S AMAZING 3RD ACT – SHARK ABYSS

What I learned doing this assignment is, that the ending needs special attention, as I tend to write it as fast as possible to get the screenplay done.

ACTS 1 & 2

Shark expert LISANNA is to clarify whether a death near the German island of Helgoland is an attack by dangerous bull sharks. Their client JULIAN’S company is to dispose of a large number of explosives in a previously unknown World War II submarine bunker under the island. Lisanna fears for the island where her 15-year-old daughter MIA lives together with Lisanna’s ex-husband CLAAS. Diving in the submarine cave, Lisanna is attacked. A shark kills the attacker, triggering an explosion that causes the whole bunker system under the island, including the parts open to Tourists, to sink.

Lisanna comes across a group of survivors in the bunkers: Tourists led by her daughter Mia. Water is flooding the bunkers and the group is attacked by sharks. Lisanna must face the battle with the sharks to save the group, especially her daughter, who is estranged from her. While Lisanna is defusing a bomb, Claas sacrifices himself for Mia. Lisanna can kill the remaining sharks but is trapped in the submarine, where the detonator of the bomb explodes. Lisanna has saved Mia and the island, but we have no idea if she is alive or dead.

ACT 3 / 7 RULES CHECK

The ending (ACT 3) of the script changes to different locations and elements. Lisanna seems to be dead, the danger is rising by a new plan of Julian’s father (mega-ton bomb), and Julian, as a ruthless human antagonist, intervenes directly in the action. An even more dangerous shark appears for the final battle. Lisanna must save Mia from the human antagonist and the dangerous shark to ultimately win her love and respect. These are strong elements, as strong as the battles in the bunker, but different. These elements need to be worked out much more as they are right now in the not rewritten draft.

BEATS:

41. The island and most of the bunker survived the muffled explosion. In the news, Lisanna is accused of being guilty of the attack.

MORE ENGAGING: Mia has lost her father; her mother Lisanna seems to be dead. Now Lisanna is made out to be a criminal. Special focus must be placed on Mia’s emotional situation. We see news interviews on TV. The TV team may also appear in person to put even more pressure on Mia.

42. Mia and the other survivors are taken to the Future Star. Julian’s father plans to detonate a bigger bomb to destroy the island.

MORE SURPRISE: We know there is another, even bigger plan, but it is better to see it (show, don’t tell). Julian’s father could appear in person.

43. Miraculously, Lisanna has survived. She dives into the diving lock of Future Star to free Mia. Julian holds Mia in his power and wants to throw both of them to the sharks. We learn that Julian plans to convert all of Helgoland into an oil production platform, using explosives and sharks to keep tourists away. The plan was to use Lisanna as a scapegoat all along.

MORE JEOPARDY: It is shown too soon that Lisanna is still alive, more emotion and tension can be achieved. Lisanna sees Mia enter the Future Star, the search for her daughter is over too quickly. The personal connection between Lisanna and Julian is a new beat and should be expanded to make Julian more dangerous and create more emotion. Julian’s plan for rebuilding the island into an oil rig should be seen as a model (show, don’t tell). Especially the most dangerous shark he presents has to have something that makes it worthy to be the final shark opponent.

44. Julian’s ego is so big that he brags about his plans. Lisanna is streaming this confession live to the media, making sure to stop Julian and his father. Lisanna distracts the shark with her knowledge of the sharks in her lab and frees Mia. Julian faces a horrible death as Lisanna can trap him and the shark in the same cage.

MORE SURPRISE: Lisanna must save Mia in a hard-hitting battle that must challenge her even more. The idea that she exposes Julian by live streaming his statements isn’t particularly new. Lisanna might be forced to prove that she is innocent in the end, so the danger and pressure can be increased again. Maybe she achieves everything else, but she doesn’t succeed in the end to clear her name, or not yet complete.

45. Lisanna has saved her daughter and the island and is hailed as the hero of Helgoland. She moves into Claas’ lighthouse with Mia. Lisanna and her mother have found each other again.

MORE EMOTION: This scene is the heart of the ending and should be much more emotional. We have to be moved to tears.

46. Tourists are sightseeing around Helgoland in a boat. There are no more dangerous sharks. But… a large fin appears and heads for the small boat…

DEPARTURE: This scene is necessary, but somehow feels tacked on. I’m trying to tie the two ending scenes, Lisanna and Mia finding together at Claas’ grave and a surviving shark attacking, together to create a stronger overall ending scene.

[Marian]

Marian’s Most Memorable Line – Shark Abyss

What I learned from doing this assignment is, that I need to identify the most important dialogue lines and make them really special.

I chose the first sentence that the protagonist Lisanna speaks.

SCENE:

EXT. MARINE INSTITUTE – DAY

Luxury cars parked in front of the elegant institute. A bit aside a rust bucket with “Save the environment” stickers. We guess who owns the rust bucket.

MIA (V.O.)

Mom, we wanted to go to the demo! Do you always have to take care of those stupid sharks?

INT. SHARK TANK – DAY

LISANNA hurries around the basin, her daughter MIA trotting sullenly behind. HOUSE MASTER HENRY pokes around the pool with a long pole.

Suddenly a shark shoots out, just past Lisanna and Mia and bites into the pole. Henry is scared to death, ashen-faced he backs away.

Mia is speechless. Lisanna leans over the edge of the pool and peers into the basin, where the shark could jump out again at any moment.

LISANNA

Freddy is a bit too aggressive…

MIA

Mom, get away from there.

HENRY

Not my job to get eaten!

Lisanna is now holding a HAND IN THE WATER!

MIA

MOM!

LISANNA

Way too warm… he won’t survive….

HENRY

The valve for the heat pump is stuck. Called about an hour ago….

LISANNA

The only way to fix it is in the pool….

HENRY

You want me to go in there? No way!

Lisanna looks around hastily, sees the janitor’s toolbox, takes off her jacket and shoes.

HENRY

You’re not going to…

MIA

Are you crazy, mama?

LISANNA

If we don’t do something now, Freddy is dead.

Lisanna hands Henry her jacket, grabs a pipe wrench, a wrench, and some wire.

MIA

The shark has gone completely nuts….

LISANNA

Just distract him with something.

Lisanna jumps into the water. Mia yells at the janitor.

MIA

(panicked)

How are we going to distract a shark???

Lisanna’s first sentence should make an impression right away and show that she is an extraordinary protagonist, an action heroine as well as a loving mother and shark-expert.

LISANNA

Freddy is a bit too aggressive…

ALTERNATIVE LINES:

This is Freddy. My favorite. Very aggressive today.

Freddy’s really cheeky today.

Freddy, what are you doing?

Freddy, he just wants to play.

There’s something about Freddy.

Freddy needs attention. Just like you, Mia.

Freddy’s just as cheeky as you, Mia.

Everyone seems to be in a bad mood today. Freddy’s kind of weird, too.

Freddy has the same problem, Mia. Mood swings.

What’s going on today? First my daughter, then Freddy.

You even drive the shark crazy with your nagging! Freddy is already getting nervous.

That’s enough, Mia. Freddy’s already aggressive too!

I came up with the idea of connecting Mia’s criticism of Lisanna with the aggressive behavior of Freddy, the shark. This underlines Mias fear that Lisanna cares more about sharks than her. The sentences I chose always made me laugh. I added Mia’s name because we don’t know who she is yet. Also, I separated the sentences by the action that was just before the sentence.

NEW SCENE:

EXT. MARINE INSTITUTE – DAY

Luxury cars parked in front of the elegant institute. A bit aside a rust bucket with “Save the environment” stickers. We guess who owns the rust bucket.

MIA (V.O.)

Mom, we wanted to go to the demo! Do you always have to take care of those stupid sharks?

INT. SHARK TANK – DAY

LISANNA hurries around the basin, her daughter MIA trotting sullenly behind. JANITOR HENRY pokes around the pool with a long pole.

Suddenly a shark shoots out, just past Lisanna and Mia and bites into the pole. Henry is scared to death, ashen-faced he backs away.

LISANNA
(to Mia)

You even drive the shark crazy with your nagging, Mia!

Lisanna leans over the edge of the pool and peers into the basin. The shark could jump out again at any moment.

LISANNA

Freddy is already getting nervous.

MIA

Mom, get away from there.

HENRY

Not my job to get eaten!

Lisanna is now holding a HAND IN THE WATER!

MIA

MOM!

LISANNA

Way too warm…

HENRY

The valve for the heat pump is stuck. Called about an hour ago….

LISANNA

The only way to fix it is in the pool….

HENRY

You want me to go in there? No way!

Lisanna looks around hastily, sees the janitor’s toolbox, takes off her jacket and shoes.

HENRY

You’re not going to…

MIA

Are you crazy, mom?

LISANNA

If we don’t do something now, Freddy is dead!

Lisanna hands Henry her jacket, grabs a pipe wrench, a wrench, and some wire.

MIA

The shark has gone completely nuts….

LISANNA

Just distract him with something.

Lisanna jumps into the water. Mia yells at the janitor.

MIA

(panicked)

How are we going to distract a shark???

[Marian]

Marian loves separating character dialogue! – Shark Abyss

What I learned from doing this assignment is, that simply reading the characters’ dialogue out of context and thinking about what you want to achieve, can lead to improvement.

CHARACTER PROFILE LISANNA / PROTAGONIST

Role in the story: Mother of Mia, shark expert, savior of the island.

Core Character Traits: pragmatic, courageous, aloof, difficult to see through

loving mother, underestimated

Character Subtext Logline: wanted to make the world a better place and failed, gave up and became pragmatic

Flaw: feels guilty about a mistake in the past, her claustrophobia hinders her from advancing in her job

Want: to earn enough money to make ends meet
Need: wants to be a good mother

Mission/Agenda Character Arc: needs to rediscover her ideals and come to terms with the past

Secret: wanted to save people in the past and defuse an explosive device of her activist friends, it went wrong and people got hurt

Lisanna is an action hero. I shortened her dialogue, made it more direct, removed words like “a bit” or “possibly” to make her seem more assertive and energetic. The dialogue is translated from German to English.

BEFORE: Just distract him a bit.

AFTER: Distract him with something!

BEFORE: What aren’t you telling me??

AFTER: Think about what you’re saying next.

BEFORE: You’ll have to excuse me, Julian. The age…

AFTER: Teenagers…

BEFORE: That’s enough, Mia. One more sound and we’ll give the iPhone back, okay? It’s not sustainable anyway.

AFTER: One more word and… goodbye iPhone! (beat) It’s not sustainable anyway.

BEFORE: Very impressive. What exactly do you want me to do?

AFTER: And what am I supposed to do here?

BEFORE: Bull sharks ram their prey, incapacitating them. They’re really dangerous.

AFTER: A bull shark rams its prey with tremendous force. Takes out anyone instantly.

BEFORE: But the rock… this kind of algae. That looks like here, the North Sea… But bull sharks live in South America….

AFTER: Rocks and algae…that’s the North Sea. These bull sharks live in South America.

BEFORE: Possibly… the bite resembles that of a bull shark.

AFTER: The bite is similar to that of a bull shark.

BEFORE: Bull sharks could theoretically survive here. Ecologically, it would be a disaster. So far, there haven’t been any.

AFTER: If bull sharks settle here. That would be a disaster for the ecosystem.

BEFORE: I usually dive with my own buddies.

AFTER: I only dive with people I choose myself.

BEFORE: A boom stick? If that comes in contact with the explosives…why not stun?

AFTER: A boom stick? There’s explosives down there!

BEFORE: I’ve never worked with that before.

AFTER: Can’t be that difficult.

BEFORE: You sure this is the way? Doesn’t look like submarines can get through here.

AFTER: Doesn’t look like any sub will fit through here.

BEFORE: Lucky. It appears the walls of the sub and the water inside, took the pressure.

AFTER: The steel wall and the water inside the sub have absorbed the pressure.

BEFORE: The cave is okay…but the boat….

AFTER: The cave is okay….

BEFORE: Quick. We’ve only got one shot at this.

AFTER: We’ve only got one shot at this.

BEFORE: I’ll ram these under the beam and knock the valve off. You’ve got a second or two, then you’ve got to be out. You got that?

AFTER: I ram it under the beam and knock the valve off. You got one second.

BEFORE: Looks like part of the accessible bunker. Must have caved in from the blast.

AFTER: That’s part of the tourist bunker. It must have sagged.

BEFORE: Bull sharks, unfortunately not. They’re the most dangerous. They ram you and immobilize you.

AFTER: Bull sharks are the most dangerous. When they ram you full force, almost nobody survives that. And that’s just the beginning.

BEFORE: I wonder how they even get here. Bull sharks live mostly in South America in Lake Nicaragua. That’s where the Maja used to dump their bodies.

AFTER: How did they get here? These are bull sharks from Lake Nicaragua. They’ve been used to being fed corpses since the Maja.

BEFORE: That’s what it looks like. Do you think the Nazis brought them here?

AFTER: Do you mean they’re from the Nazis?

[Marian]

Marian Redmann Dramatic Scene Transitions – Shark Abyss

What I learned from doing this assignment is, that only by changing a transition a bit, I can create a much more powerful emotional impact.

SCENE BEFORE:

INT. SUBMARINE HOLD – DAY

Lisanna rushes across the room as fast as she can. The shark has broken free and is swimming after Lisanna.

Only 30 seconds left… Then the bomb goes off.

Lisanna grabs an old Nazi standard. The shark shoots towards her.

Lisanna holds the standard right in his direction.

LISANNA

Bullseye!

The shark at full speed… can no longer stop… The Nazi standard bores into his eye.

Savagely, it snaps at Lisanna in its death throes….

Again and again. Centimeters separate his mouth from her.

Lisanna is able to wriggle out the back….

10 seconds remain… Lisanna sees the hole in the outer shell….

Will she make it? The timer counts down 5… 4… 3…

Lisanna rushes to the hole.

KAWUUUUUM.

The explosion shakes the submarine. A shock wave sweeps Lisanna along….

The huge detonation tears a huge hole in the submarine…

Debris and rubble rain down….

INT. OLD SUBMARINE BASE – DAY

Mia, Sophie, Petra and Freddy hear the explosion. The walls of the old submarine base shake….

The three look at each other in fear. It feels like the world is coming to an end….

Mortar trickles from the ceiling…. But they are alive… Mia takes the intercom….

MIA

Mom?

INT. BIG SUBMARINE CAVE – DAY

The structure stands. The explosion has been intercepted….

Lisanna has saved Mia and the island. There is no sign of Lisanna, however…

Mia’s voice echoes over the scene.

MIA (V.O.)

MOM??

Lisanna is in the old Nazi submarine. She has to kill the shark and disarm the bomb. She is running out of time. Her daughter Mia hears her mother over intercom. I wanted to maximize the tension through the transition. By removing the description and change elements, I put three transition types together. It is a mixture of Question / Answer, Reveal / Shock and Subtext Transition. The new transition is between the first and second scene. I hope to achieve the maximum emotional effect.

NEW SCENE

INT. SUBMARINE HOLD – DAY

Lisanna rushes across the room as fast as she can. The shark has broken free and is swimming after Lisanna. Only 30 seconds left… Then the bomb goes off.

Lisanna grabs an old Nazi standard. The shark shoots towards her.

Lisanna holds the standard right in his direction.

LISANNA

Bullseye!

The shark at full speed… can no longer stop… The Nazi standard bores into his eye.

Savagely, it snaps at Lisanna in its death throes….

Again and again. Centimeters separate his mouth from her.

Lisanna is able to wriggle out the back…. 10 seconds remain…

Lisanna sees the hole in the outer shell….

The timer counts down 5… 4… 3… Lisanna rushes to the hole….

Will she make it?

INT. OLD SUBMARINE BASE – DAY

KAWUUUUUM.

Mia, Sophie, Petra, and Freddy hear the explosion. The walls of the old submarine base shake….

The three look at each other in fear. It feels like the world is coming to an end….

Mortar trickles from the ceiling….

But they are alive… Mia takes the intercom… An anxious moment…

MIA

Mom?

INT. BIG SUBMARINE CAVE – DAY

The structure is in place. The explosion has been intercepted….

Lisanna has saved Mia and the island. There is no sign of Lisanna, however…

Mia’s voice echoes over the scene.

MIA (V.O.)

MOM???

[Marian]

Marian Redmann Elevated Scene Structures

What I learned from doing this assignment is, that I can improve a scene by analyzing its elements and choosing the scene structure that best fits the meaning of the scene.

SCENE BEFORE:

INT. UPPER AISLE – DAY

A figure in the darkness reaches her hand down.

CLAAS

Lisanna.

LISANNA

(in Disbelief)

Claas?

CLAAS

Take my hand!

Panicked, Lisanna reaches for Claas’ hand. Claas pulls as hard as he can.

The water rises. The shark shoots forward.

Claas can just pull Lisanna out of the lower passage.

She escapes the furious shark by a hair’s breadth.

The shark rages and bites wildly.

Lisanna sees Claas. She hugs him. She has never been happier to see him.

CLAAS

That was close.

LISANNA

What are you doing here, Claas?

CLAAS

That’s what I’m asking you!

LISANNA

I’m supposed to find out if there are sharks here.

CLAAS

If I hadn’t just seen that one myself….

LISANNA

They shouldn’t be here at all….

Claas nods.

LISANNA

Why are you down here?

Claas looks at her expectantly….

CLAAS

Hello?

LISANNA

Uh… Thank you. For saving my life!

CLAAS

You’re welcome.

LISANNA

Don’t tell me you’re only here to save me.

CLAAS

I was told to evacuate the bunker. Because of the munitions clearance work.

Lisanna looks at him skeptically. There’s something fishy going on.

LISANNA

There’s something you’re not telling me.

Claas suddenly becomes serious.

CLAAS

Mia is here. I’m out looking for her.

LISANNA

MIA IS IN HERE? You evacuate and bring our daughter with you?

Lisanna is furious.

LISANNA

How incompetent are you, anyway?

CLAAS

She took a tour. Without telling me anything.

LISANNA

And they’re all down here, too?

Claas nods, embarrassed.

LISANNA

You did a great job with the evacuation.

She looks at the water, which has come closer. The shark lurks beneath the surface.

LISANNA

The water is rising! If Mia survived the explosion, our daughter may yet drown or be eaten by a shark!

Lisanna is more determined than ever.

LISANNA

WE MUST SAVE MIA!

List the components of the scene and what you are trying to accomplish

Core of the scene: the crucial twist that Lisanna has to save Mia.

Elements:

Surprise: Claas rescues Mia from the greatest distress

Suspense: Why is Claas in the bunker?

Emotion: Claas wants recognition from Lisanna

Info: Claas should evacuate the bunker

Suspense: Claas hides a secret from Lisanna

Surprise: Lisanna’s daughter Mia is also in the bunker

Emotion: Lisanna is angry with Claas

Twist: Lisanna has to save her daughter!

I was not happy with the scene, because the emotion at the beginning is wasted imho. Lisanna is immediately skeptical about why Claas is in the bunker and Claas wants his well-deserved thanks for saving Lisanna. Actually, Lisanna should be happy that Claas saved her and become skeptical afterwards. I chose the mislead/reveal structure in the rewrite to first lull Lisanna and the viewer into a sense of security and then to present the surprise.

NEW SCENE – MISLEAD/ REVEAL:

INT. UPPER HALLWAY – DAY

A figure in the darkness. Reaches a hand down.

CLAAS

Lisanna.

LISANNA

(hopeful)

Claas?

CLAAS

Take my hand!

The water rises. The shark shoots forward. Quick as a flash, Lisanna grabs Claas’ hand.

Claas is just able to pull Lisanna out of the lower passage.

She escapes the furious shark by a hair’s breadth. The shark rages and bites wildly.

Lisanna falls into Claas’ arms.

LISANNA

(exhales in relief)

I thought that was it.

Claas takes Lisanna tighter in his arms.

CLAAS

What kind on earth are you doing?

LISANNA

Just shut up.

Claas wants to say something. Then changes his mind.

LISANNA

Thank you.

Lisanna presses herself against him. An intimate moment.

LISANNA

My savior!

Lisanna gives him a long, passionate kiss.

CLAAS

I should save you more often.

Claas beams with joy.

LISANNA

Now let’s get out of here. Where did you come from?

Claas pauses, changes the subject.

CLAAS

What are you doing down here?

Lisanna looks around at him.

LISANNA

It doesn’t matter now.

The woodwork is creaking suspiciously.

LISANNA

Doesn’t look like it’s going to hold up for long.

CLAAS

Was that a shark just now?

LISANNA

What did it look like?

Dust trickles down from the ceiling.

LISANNA

Let’s go!

Claas looks embarrassed.

WAMMM! The shark thunders against the shaft from below.

After more dust and rocks trickle from the ceiling.

LISANNA

What are you waiting for?

Claas shrugs his shoulders in embarrassment.

CLAAS

I should evacuate the bunker…because….

Lisanna looks at him skeptically.

LISANNA

Because..?

CLAAS

Because of… because of the munitions work…. Clearance work.

LISANNA

There’s something fishy going on… What are you not telling me?

Claas looks even more embarrassed.

CLAAS

I’m looking for…

LISANNA

Out with it!

CLAAS

…for Mia!

LISANNA

MIA IS HERE?

Lisanna is furious.

LISANNA

You’re bringing our daughter to evacuate the bunker?

CLAAS

She took a tour…

LISANNA

How incompetent are you!!!

CLAAS

(defensively)

Without telling me anything!

LISANNA

You did a really good job with the evacuation.

She looks at the water, which has come closer. The shark lurks beneath the surface.

LISANNA

If she survived the explosion, our daughter may yet drown or be eaten by a shark!

Lisanna is more determined than ever.

LISANNA

WE MUST SAVE MIA!

[Marian]

Power Player Assignment Day 8

Marian’s Pitch Fest Pitch

What I learned doing this assignment is, that it is essential to communicate my hook as fast and concise as possible and avoid any confusion.

1. Before I went to the Munich Academy of Motion Pictures and Television, I grew up at the North Sea.

2. My survival thriller “Wetsands” is based on true events.

3. A mudflat crossing becomes a deadly fight for survival for 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her younger sister Tessa. In this gripping survival thriller, we experience first-hand the danger, that lurks behind the hugely popular vacation backdrop of the North Sea.

4.

Budget range: 5-10 Mio. EUR

Actors: Young and upcoming actresses and actors that have already established a fanbase among the YA-Audience, Cameos from better known stars

Acts:

1st: Hannah and Tessa miss the ferry to the island and decide to walk with Felix through the mudflats.

Mid: They get drifted in a tidal flat and lose their orientation. The tide comes in prematurely.

2st: Tessa is badly injured; Felix is stuck in the muddy sand. Hannah has to rescue the two. But the friend Paula and the islander Björn, who are supposed to come to their rescue, turn out to be an even greater danger.

End: Hannah must free herself out of the muddy sand and defeat Björn to save her sister and Felix. Hannah gets her life back together and regains her sister’s trust and love.

[Marian]

Marian’s Query Letter

What I learned doing this assignment is: the shorter and more concise the better.

(SUBJECT LINE) Wetsands – Survival-Thriller based on true events

Dear (NAME),

the North Sea is one of the most popular vacation destinations for Germans. But almost no one knows the deadly dangers that lurk there.

I am pleased to introduce the female focused survival thriller project “Wetsands”, which has the potential to be a huge hit in your target audience.

A mudflat crossing becomes a deadly fight for survival for 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her younger sister Tessa.

(BIO) Before I went to the Munich Academy of Motion Pictures and Television, I grew up at the North Sea. My survival thriller “Wetsands” is based on true events.

Attached you find a short promo that gives the background and concept of “Wetsands”.

Would this be an interesting project for you? You can find my contact details in the attachment or on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/marian-redmann/

Best regards and thanks for your effort!

Marian Redmann

[Marian]

Marian’s Synopsis Hooks – Wetsands

What I learned doing this assignment is, that using the COM and MIT hooks is an interesting way to create a great synopsis.

List of hooks:

A tidal flat crossing turns into a deadly fight for survival for 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her younger sister Tessa.

Hannah and her sister Tessa miss the ferry to an important beach volleyball tournament on an island. The only option is crossing the tidal flats at low tide.

Hannah wants to get her life back on track after a mental breakdown, win back her sister’s love and find new courage to face life.

Islander Felix, who is secretly in love with Hannah, in truth doesn’t know his way around the mudflats and hasn’t told anyone where they’ve gone.

Nature is a much stronger antagonist than they thought. While wading through a tideway Hannah, Tessa, and Felix are swept away, lose their bearings, and the tide comes in earlier. Felix sinks into the silty sand when he goes for help.

The dangers of a mudflat crossing in the vacation paradise of the North Sea, the impressive nature and the fight for survival in the Wadden Sea, as well as the rescue with a Hovercraft, have never been seen like this before.

First draft of my synopsis:

A mudflat crossing turns into a deadly fight for survival for 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her younger sister Tessa. Based on true events, we experience first-hand the danger lurking behind the popular vacation backdrop of the North Sea in this gripping survival thriller.

Hannah and her sister Tessa miss the ferry to the island for an important beach volleyball tournament. Their only option is crossing the tidal flats at low tide. Islander Felix offers to guide them through the mudflats. Hannah has felt guilty since her mother’s suicide, needs to get her life back on track and wants to regain her sister’s trust through the tournament. But the idyllic nature turns out to be more dangerous than expected. While wading through a tidal creek, the three become adrift and lose their bearings. To Hannah and Tessa’s horror, Felix doesn’t know his way around the mudflats at all and gets stuck in the dangerous muddy sand. Tensions escalate between Hannah and Tessa. When the tide comes in prematurely and Tessa nastily cuts herself on an oyster, the situation rapidly becomes life-threatening. Can Hannah save herself and her sister from certain death by drowning?

[Marian]

Marian’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch

What I learned doing this assignment is, that this is a great process to get to the core of my pitch.

Tell us your High Concept and Elevator Pitch:

A tidal flat crossing turns into a deadly fight for survival for 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her younger sister Tessa.

A female-focused YA survival-thriller based on true events, where we can experience for the first time the struggle for survival during a tidal flat crossing at the North Sea.

1. to find your main hook, tell us what the big picture explanation of your lead character’s journey is.

To reach an important beach volleyball tournament on an island, 25-year-old Hannah and her sister Tessa have to cross the Wadden Sea at low tide. When the tide comes in, they find themselves in mortal danger and Hannah has to save herself and her sister’s life.

2 How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible?

Dilemma: After missing the ferry, the only option for 25-year-old Hannah and her younger sister Tessa to participate in an important beach volleyball tournament, is the risky crossing of the Wadden Sea to the island at low tide.

Main Conflict: The mudflat crossing on the North Sea becomes a deadly fight for survival for 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her younger sister Tessa, when they get lost and the tide comes in prematurely.

What’s at stake? A mudflat crossing at low tide in the North Sea becomes a deadly struggle for survival for 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her younger sister Tessa, when they get lost and the tide comes in abruptly.

Goal/Unique Opposition: The almost unknown but deadly dangers of the North Sea become a fight to the death for 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her sister Tessa, when they get lost in the mudflats at low tide and the tide suddenly comes in.

3. using the 10 Components of Marketability, what is your Elevator Pitch?

I am working on a female-focused YA survival thriller based on true events, where we can experience for the first time the dramatic struggle for survival during a tidal flat crossing at the North Sea.

[Marian]

Marian’s 10 Most Interesting Things – Wetsands

What I learned doing this assignment is, that the MIT process helps me to focus on the major content highlights of my story.

1. The dangers of a tidal flat crossing in the vacation paradise North Sea, the impressive nature and the fight for survival in the Wadden Sea, as well as the rescue with a Hovercraft, have never been seen in a movie before.

2. Hannah and her sister Tessa miss the ferry to an important beach volleyball tournament on an island. The only option is crossing the tidal flats at low tide. Should they take this risk for their dream?

3. Hannah wants to get her life back on track after a mental breakdown, win back her sister’s love and find new courage to face life.

4. Her sister is not as successful as she seems, has been fired, wants to get married and move to Australia. She has long since given up their shared dream of competing in the Beach Volleyball Olympics with her sister.

5. Islander Felix, who is secretly in love with Hannah, doesn’t know his way around the mudflats and hasn’t told anyone where they’ve gone.

6. Nature is a much stronger antagonist than expected. While wading through a tideway, Hannah, Tessa, and Felix are swept away, lose their bearings, and the tide comes in earlier. Felix sinks into the silty sand (aka quicksand) when he is sent for help.

7. Strong emotional sister and family drama: Hannah is secretly pregnant by Marcus, her sister’s ex-boyfriend. Hannah learns a dark family secret. Her father Joachim is not her real father at all.

8. Survival with thriller elements: Felix’s best friend Björn is Hannah’s brother and wants to kill her. His father Walter raped Hannah’s mother. A dark look at human abysses and at the vacation paradise North Sea, that you don’t see as a vacationer.

9. Hannah’s friends, Paula and Jackie don’t turn out to be saviors in distress, but make things even worse. Paula ends up pushing Hannah into the muddy sand (aka silty sand/ quicksand) where Felix is already stuck and Hannah is in danger of drowning.

10. Female-focused YA characters, tough girls, sporty boys, vacation feeling, and beach volleyball.

[Marian]

Hi everyone,

my name is Marian. I have written 8 scripts and some concepts, pitches, etc.

In this course I hope to develop a great pitch for a contained movie I can add to my portfolio. Hal said the course would start Nov 7, so I might fall a little behind as, right now, I am also participating in the rewrite and power player class.

I am a big movie fan and collect movies, also I like to play videogames and learn new skills. I am from Germany and write mostly in German language and translate it, so my English will not be perfect 😀

Great to meet you all, best

Marian

[Marian]

Hi! I’m Marian Redmann and I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Marian]

Marian Redmann – Meaningful Action – Shark Abyss

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s really important for me to think about the difference between meaningless and meaningful action in scenes, because “normal” actions easily become random if you don’t question them or brainstorm what they should communicate.

The scene with the father of the antagonist, Julian, was more or less a talking heads scene with a monitor. I used the chance to make the father intimidating not only through words, but also through his amoral actions, that he does not question. Through the hunting scene, I am able to expand the scope of the film and to pick up and continue the “mini-story” about the hunt for the last silver-skinned jaguar during the conversations with the father. In addition, I gave Julian a relaxation method that reflects the later use of stun guns. We feel his his pain and understand that he suffers under his overbearing father.

INT. RESEARCH SHIP/ COMMAND CENTER – DAY.

Julian watches the divers on a large monitor playing Lisanna’s body cam.

JULIAN

Trouble?

Hanno appears in the field of view. Signals “okay.”

HANNO

Everything under control.

Julian looks tense. He takes a stun gun and gives himself a shock. His body twitches. Julian regains his composure. Puts on his headset, dials.

INTERCUT WITH: EXT. SOUTH AFRICA – DAY

BURKHARD MESSERSCHMIED, Julian’s father, races through the savannah in an armored jeep. He speaks with the cutting commanding tone of a man who tolerates no back talk.

MESSERSCHMIED

Your briefing is overdue.

JULIAN

6 minutes!

MESSERSCHMIED

Make it quick, our scouts have spotted the silver-skinned jaguar. I must have it.

JULIAN

Isn’t it extinct?

MESSERSCHMIED

That’s the last one.

Towards Messerschmied, the normally self-confident Julian is almost submissive.

JULIAN

Everything is going exactly according to plan.

Messerschmied is not convinced.

MESSERSCHMIED

I was too hasty to put you in charge of the operation.

In front of Messerschmied, a young gazelle suddenly stands on the roadway. Messerschmied simply rams it away with his jeep. Blood spatters on the windshield.

MESSERSCHMIED

I can dump you any time.

JULIAN

I won’t let you down, father.

Messerschmied has already hung up.

[Marian]

Marian’s Producer/Manager

1. How will you present yourself and your project to the producer streamer?

“Wetsands” is an extremely promising project unlike anything seen before. It is a YA Survival Thriller set in the North Sea, where two sisters are in mortal danger during a mudflat crossing when the tide comes in. Many people go on vacation to the North Sea every year and know nothing of the dangers. That there is “quicksand” and in high season every week people have to be rescued on the island where I grew up. It’s based on true incidents. The scripts’ theme and genre are currently en vogue and have so far delighted my test readers from the target group. It’s a mixture of “Open Water” and “The Revenant” but with strong female protagonists. I could send the script or a pitch paper.

2. How will you present yourself and your project to the manager/ talent?

“Wetsands” is an extremely promising project unlike anything seen before. It is a YA Survival Thriller set in the North Sea, where two sisters are in mortal danger during a mudflat crossing when the tide comes in. The project has the potential to appeal to young successful actresses and has enormous prospects of getting made. The scripts’ theme and genre are currently en vogue and have so far delighted my test readers. It’s a mix of “Open Water” and “The Revenant” but with strong female protagonists. There are possibilities for a continuation, a similar second or third part. Also, I have other equally promising projects that I can pitch.

3. What I learned doing the assignment is, that it makes sense to rethink each pitch in terms of its core message and recipient and to point out specific aspects. I also noticed that the core of each of my pitches is my honest believe that my project has enormous prospects of success.

[Marian]

Marian’s Marketable Components for “Wetsands”

What I learned doing this assignment is, that I already had a good idea of what is marketable in my project, but focusing on the categories and brainstorming helped to improve the pitch.

Logline: A mudflat crossing in the North Sea becomes a deadly trap for sisters Hannah and Tessa when they get lost and the tide comes in unexpectedly. “Wetsands” is a dramatic survival thriller set in the breathtaking nature of the German vacation paradise North Sea, based on true events.

A. Unique: A vacation paradise that everyone loves; deadly dangers that no one knows of. A High-Concept pitch in a commercial genre that thrives on variations of the deadly environment. Immediately creates images in the mind and interest in the listener.

B. Great Title – apt and mysterious, is well received by test subjects; so far, the best choice.

C. True. Based on real events, I grew up on the North Sea and know the area and the tidal flats, as well as its dangers first hand.

D. Timely – Themes and characters make it contemporary; moreover, the struggle for survival, while timeless, is gaining renewed relevance due to the dangers and fears present in the current world situation.

E. It’s a first. The dangers of the tidal flats and the North Sea have never been shown like this before and in this genre.

F. Ultimate. There is always something ultimate about the live and death struggle for survival.

G. Wide audience appeal. N/A, aimed for YA.

H. Adapted from a popular book. N/A

I. Similarity to a box-office success. There are quite a few comparable survival thrillers that are all very successful, starting with “Open Water,” “127 Hours,” “Frozen” and ending with “Cast Away” and “The Revenant.”

J. A great role for a bankable actor/ actress: Gripping action in a fascinating setting in a genre of particular interest to young actresses. „YA-Stars” are in their twenties, so they are usually not stars for an extremely broad audience but they are for the target group.

Brainstorm – elevate the two components:

Unique and True – While brainstorming point A, I wrote: A vacation paradise that everyone loves, deadly dangers that no one knows of. I can imagine it’s a good “tagline” when I pitch the project. It sums up the essence well imho. Overall, I feel that the second sentence in the logline meets the marketable component pretty good. I may add: “never seen before”. The true events and my personal experiences add credibility and urgency to the pitch. I will reinforce this by recounting incidents at pitches as well as showing photos and newspaper reports in the promo materials. Elevated logline, second sentence: “Wetsands is a dramatic, never seen before survival thriller set in the breathtaking nature of the German vacation paradise North Sea, based on true events.”

Comparables (Similarity to a box-office success) – I added major motion pictures like “Cast Away” and “The Revenant” to my list of comps, broadening the pitch and target group.

[Marian]

Marian’s Project and Market

Title: Wetsands

Genre: YA Survival Thriller

Concept: Two sisters, in their early and mid-20s, cross the Wadden Sea to an island at low tide, lose their bearings and have to fight for their lives when the tide comes in faster than expected.

“Wetsands” is a Young Adult Survival Thriller, with engaging emotional conflict, set in one of the largest vacation regions of Germany, which features impressive but also frightening nature and a real threat that no one is really aware of (based on true events).

I will first present it to “Streamers” because I think this could be an interesting and unique project for them.

What I learned today is, that it is important and helpful to have a fresh perspective and an articulated process, even for things you know or think you know already.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Marian Redmann.

[Marian]

Hi everyone,

my name is Marian. I have written 8 scripts and some concepts, pitches, etc. In this course I would like to improve my pitching / aquise skills, especially to make the marketing of my projects more enjoyable and stress-free. I am a big movie fan and collect movies, also I like to play videogames and learn new skills. I am from Germany and write mostly in German language and translate it, so my English will not be perfect 😀
Great to meet you all, best
Marian

[Marian]

Hi! I’m Marian Redmann and I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Marian]

MARIAN REDMANN ELEVATED STORY BEATS – SHARK ABYSS

What I learned doing this assignment is, that it is that it’s challenging to revise scenes for which I didn’t come up with an inspiring idea in the first draft of the script and which are either structural or genre-typical in approach. With this process, I can isolate the problem. Even though I’m still not completely satisfied with the solutions I found, all three new beats are more interesting and give more exciting background to characters that were previously uninteresting.

1. (E8) Divers are attacked by a deadly bull shark.

2. (E8) Lisanna argues with her daughter Mia and saves Freddy the Shark, Julian rushes to help to distract Freddy.

3. (E7) Julian wants Lisanna to investigate the shark attack. They have a history together, knowing each other from university.

4. (E6) Mia is not impressed by Julians money and power. Lisanna is reluctant to enter the helicopter because of her claustrophobia.

5. (E6) Mia stays wither her father. She thinks her mother should care more for the environment instead of sharks or money.

6. (E8) Lisanna tries to find out what has caused the attack.

7. (E7) Julian wants Lisanna to dive in the submarine cave, to find out if there are dangerous sharks.

FLAGGED BEAT: 7A. (E6) Lisanna is reluctant to the call of adventure, researching and finding out more about bull sharks (footage from internet) and Julian’s recent past.

Purpose of the Scene: Lisanna hesitates to trust Julian and accept the assignment. She sees other possibilities, such as alerting the authorities. In addition, I want to show some background material about Julian and the sharks that we find out with Lisanna. There should also be a ticking clock installed and Lisanna should come under pressure.

Solution: Lisanna needs a bit more time to examine the footage more closely, while examining the footage she gives explanations about the bull sharks and Julian reveals more background of the company. Together they come to the conclusion that the sharks could now set off the explosives and possibly even get out into the open. Every minute counts. Julian’s company has a deadline for reporting incidents. He wants to take advantage of this to be sure if there are bull sharks and what danger they pose. At this point, in his opinion the authorities would bring more harm than good, panic would break out. Mia is in danger, maybe Lisanna wants to warn Mia but can’t reach her or Claas. Lisanna wants to get the authorities involved. Julian puts pressure on her, because during the time they were together and Lisanna was an activist, he kept information to himself that would have hurt Lisanna with the police. He had helped her then, now he wants her to help him. If necessary, Julian presents a plan for this, where we get an idea of how the caves look and what can happen if the explosion is triggered.

8. (E7) Lisanna goes to the diving site in an inflatable boat, her dive buddies are two of Julian’s men.

9. (E8) Lisanna dives into the cave, feeling queasy because of her claustrophobia.

FLAGGED BEAT: 10. (E5) Julian sees the action via Lisanna’s cam. He talks to his father. Julian’s father is the key figure in the background.

Purpose of the Scene: It should be established that there is a dark force even behind Julian. In addition, Julian wants to prove something to his father, a goal / trait that makes him more human.

Solution: Julian reaches his father on the hunt in South Africa, if necessary, with important people, they hunt an endangered big cat, we see in the respective conversations with Julian the progress of the hunt. Julian’s father’s behavior during the hunt shows him to be particularly arrogant, cynical and cruel.

11. (E7) Parallel plot: Mia meets her friend Sophie. Mia is supposed to give a guided tour for tourists through the bunker.

12. (E6) Lisanna dives into the cave with a rusted submarine. There is a lot of old Nazi explosives stored there. The submarine has a hole. Some explosives have already gone off. Lisanna can’t dive into the boat because of her claustrophobia.

13. (E5) Mia meets all the members of the group she is to guide through the bunker. We will reveal more about their personalities as we follow their adventure in Act 2.

14. (E10) Lisanna finds caged bull sharks in a small cave. She is attacked by one of the men. When he tries to kill her, a bull shark mauls him. Explosives explode and the cave collapses.

15 (E7) Mia and the tourists are surprised by the explosion. The bunker system seems to have sunk. Water penetrates. They cannot stay in the bunker for long.

16. (E5) Julian’s father is not convinced the operation is going well and sends his own commando team.

17. (E8) Lisanna lives but is attacked by a large bull shark. She can just save herself in an adjacent cave.

18. (E10) Lisanna finds the second diver and wants to help him. The shark kills him and chases Mia.

19. (E10) Claas is able to rescue Lisanna into a higher passage, but the water is rising and soon the shark will have reached her. Lisanna learns that Mia is also in the bunker. She has to save Mia.

20. (E6) The water is rising. Mia looks for a way out of the room. Some of the tourists want to stay. A shark attacks and kills members of the group. Mia is separated from the others. The others are able to escape into a shaft, believing Mia is dead.

21. (E8) Lisanna and Claas work their way through the rubble trying to find out what happened and why dangerous sharks are here. Claas has new information about Julians company and the sharks.

22. (E8) Lisanna and Claas find the tourists. Lisanna learns that Mia is probably dead. The group plans to go back towards the exit and fight the shark with an improvised device.

FLAGGED BEAT: 23. (E5) A commando team arrives. They think they are the good guys, but we suspect they are bad guys.

Purpose of the Scene: Julian’s father aggravates the situation by sending a commando. Now there are also personified antagonists with whom Lisanna must fight. This also provides opportunities for “normal” combat (instead of shark underwater combat) and the ability to communicate. Listening in on radio traffic, interrogation, etc.

Solution: The three mercenaries look like Aryan clones. All of them are blond and have blue eyes, are particularly athletic, there is also a woman among them. It turns out that the three are triplets. It is implied that they could come from a cloning program run by the father’s corporation and also subtly underpins the father’s superhuman ideology. In the subtext the whole also takes reference to the fact that the father could have taken up the “Lebensborn” – experiments and have continued. In addition, each of the mercenaries gets its own personality, which is also reflected by the choice of their respective weapons.

24. (E8) The group fights the shark and is able to get past it. Another tourist is killed.

25. (E6) Lisanna finds Mia. She is alive! But the exit to the top is buried. Soon they will drown or be eaten by the sharks. A new plan is needed. Sophie knows an unknown part of the secret submarine base, that can be reached through a tight pipe shaft.

26. (E6) The remaining sharks can free themselves.

27. (E7) The three men of the commando eam split up. Two are looking for Lisanna and the others. One wants to arm explosives. Are they coming to help or do they have something else in mind?

28 (E10) Lisanna and the others go through the narrow pipe. Lisanna nearly drowns from getting stuck because of her claustrophobia. Claas saves her.

29 (E10) Lisanna and the others battle the two commandos. They think Lisanna is a terrorist. An explosive charge has been placed on the old submarine that could destroy the entire island. Lisanna is the only one who can defuse them. Mia does not understand, what secrets does her mother keep?

30. (E10) Mia falls into the water. Lisanna and Claas have to save her. Mia begs Lisanna to defuse the bomb to save the island. Claas sacrifices himself for his daughter and is killed by a shark.

40 (E10, heading UP TO 11) Lisanna can kill one of the remaining three sharks. She cannot disarm the detonator and must bring it into the sub to dampen the detonation. To do this, she must overcome her claustrophobia. Two sharks follow her into the submarine. Lisanna barely has minutes left and has to trick the two sharks. At the last second, she tries to escape through the hole in the outer wall of the submarine. Then she catches the blast of the explosion.

41, (E6) The island and most of the bunker survived the muffled explosion. Lisanna is accused in the news of being guilty of the attack.

42. (E6) Mia and the others are taken to the Future Star. Julian’s father plans to detonate an even bigger bomb to destroy the island.

43. (E5) Miraculously, Lisanna has survived. She dives into the diving lock of Future Star to free Mia. Julian holds Mia in his power and wants to throw both of them to the sharks. We learn that Julian plans to convert all of Helgoland into an oil production platform, using explosives and sharks to keep tourists away. The plan was to use Lisanna as a scapegoat all along. Julians ego is so big that he brags about his plans. Lisanna is streaming this confession live to the media, making sure to stop Julian and his father.

44. (E7) Lisanna distracts the shark with her knowledge of the sharks in her lab and frees Mia. Julian faces a horrible death as Lisanna is able to trap him and the shark in the same cage.

45. (E8) Lisanna saved her daughter and the island and is hailed as the hero of Helgoland. She moves into Claas’ lighthouse with Mia. Lisanna and her mother have found each other again.

46. (E9) Tourists are sightseeing around Helgoland in a boot. There are no more dangerous sharks.
But… a large fin appears and heads for the small boat…

🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈

[Marian]

MARIAN REDMANN SCENE RATINGS – SHARK ABYSS

What I learned doing this assignment is, that this is another easy and fun way for me to get a critical distance from my own writing.

Top of the list are the scenes that feature interesting action or the fight for survival, even better when it is mixed with emotion or mystery. Scenes that set up or explain things to come, exposition or facts are not rating as highly. Scenes that I found most unentertaining, were – surprisingly – the ones with my antagonist Julian. I thought these scenes would be more entertaining than they are.

1. (E8) Divers are attacked by a deadly bull shark.

2. (E8) Lisanna argues with her daughter Mia and saves Freddy the Shark, Julian rushes to help to distract Freddy.

3. (E7) Julian wants Lisanna to investigate the shark attack. They have a history together, knowing each other from university.

4. (E6) Mia is not impressed by Julians money and power. Lisanna is reluctant to enter the helicopter because of her claustrophobia.

5. (E6) Mia stays wither her father. She thinks her mother should care more for the environment instead of sharks or money.

6. (E8) Lisanna tries to find out what has caused the attack.

7. (E7) Julian wants Lisanna to dive in the submarine cave, to find out if there are dangerous sharks.

7A. (E6) Lisanna is reluctant to the call of adventure, researching and finding out more about bull sharks (footage from internet) and Julian’s recent past.

8. (E7) Lisanna goes to the diving site in an inflatable boat, her dive buddies are two of Julian’s men.

9. (E8) Lisanna dives into the cave, feeling queasy because of her claustrophobia.

10. (E5) Julian sees the action via Lisanna’s cam. He talks to his father. Julian’s father is the key figure in the background.

11. (E7) Parallel plot: Mia meets her friend Sophie. Mia is supposed to give a guided tour for tourists through the bunker.

12. (E6) Lisanna dives into the cave with a rusted submarine. There is a lot of old Nazi explosives stored there. The submarine has a hole. Some explosives have already gone off. Lisanna can’t dive into the boat because of her claustrophobia.

13. (E5) Mia meets all the members of the group she is to guide through the bunker. We will reveal more about their personalities as we follow their adventure in Act 2.

14. (E10) Lisanna finds caged bull sharks in a small cave. She is attacked by one of the men. When he tries to kill her, a bull shark mauls him. Explosives explode and the cave collapses.

15 (E7) Mia and the tourists are surprised by the explosion. The bunker system seems to have sunk. Water penetrates. They cannot stay in the bunker for long.

16. (E5) Julian’s father is not convinced the operation is going well and sends his own commando team.

17. (E8) Lisanna lives but is attacked by a large bull shark. She can just save herself in an adjacent cave.

18. (E10) Lisanna finds the second diver and wants to help him. The shark kills him and chases Mia.

19. (E10) Claas is able to rescue Lisanna into a higher passage, but the water is rising and soon the shark will have reached her. Lisanna learns that Mia is also in the bunker. She has to save Mia.

20. (E6) The water is rising. Mia looks for a way out of the room. Some of the tourists want to stay. A shark attacks and kills members of the group. Mia is separated from the others. The others are able to escape into a shaft, believing Mia is dead.

21. (E8) Lisanna and Claas work their way through the rubble trying to find out what happened and why dangerous sharks are here. Claas has new information about Julians company and the sharks.

22. (E8) Lisanna and Claas find the tourists. Lisanna learns that Mia is probably dead. The group plans to go back towards the exit and fight the shark with an improvised device.

23. (E5) A command team arrives. They think they are the good guys, but we suspect they are bad guys.

24. (E8) The group fights the shark and is able to get past it. Another tourist is killed.

25. (E6) Lisanna finds Mia. She is alive! But the exit to the top is buried. Soon they will drown or be eaten by the sharks. A new plan is needed. Sophie knows an unknown part of the secret submarine base, that can be reached through a tight pipe shaft.

26. (E6) The remaining sharks can free themselves.

27. (E7) The three men of the commando eam split up. Two are looking for Lisanna and the others. One wants to arm explosives. Are they coming to help or do they have something else in mind?

28 (E10) Lisanna and the others go through the narrow pipe. Lisanna nearly drowns from getting stuck because of her claustrophobia. Claas saves her.

29 (E10) Lisanna and the others battle the two commandos. They think Lisanna is a terrorist. An explosive charge has been placed on the old submarine that could destroy the entire island. Lisanna is the only one who can defuse them. Mia does not understand, what secrets does her mother keep?

30. (E10) Mia falls into the water. Lisanna and Claas have to save her. Mia begs Lisanna to defuse the bomb to save the island. Claas sacrifices himself for his daughter and is killed by a shark.

40 (E10, heading UP TO 11) Lisanna can kill one of the remaining three sharks. She cannot disarm the detonator and must bring it into the sub to dampen the detonation. To do this, she must overcome her claustrophobia. Two sharks follow her into the submarine. Lisanna barely has minutes left and has to trick the two sharks. At the last second, she tries to escape through the hole in the outer wall of the submarine. Then she catches the blast of the explosion.

41, (E6) The island and most of the bunker survived the muffled explosion. Lisanna is accused in the news of being guilty of the attack.

42. (E6) Mia and the others are taken to the Future Star. Julian’s father plans to detonate an even bigger bomb to destroy the island.

43. (E5) Miraculously, Lisanna has survived. She dives into the diving lock of Future Star to free Mia. Julian holds Mia in his power and wants to throw both of them to the sharks. We learn that Julian plans to convert all of Helgoland into an oil production platform, using explosives and sharks to keep tourists away. The plan was to use Lisanna as a scapegoat all along. Julians ego is so big that he brags about his plans. Lisanna is streaming this confession live to the media, making sure to stop Julian and his father.

44. (E7) Lisanna distracts the shark with her knowledge of the sharks in her lab and frees Mia. Julian faces a horrible death as Lisanna is able to trap him and the shark in the same cage.

45. (E8) Lisanna saved her daughter and the island and is hailed as the hero of Helgoland. She moves into Claas’ lighthouse with Mia. Lisanna and her mother have found each other again.

46. (E9) Tourists are sightseeing around Helgoland in a boot. There are no more dangerous sharks. But… a large fin appears and heads for the small boat…

🦈🦈🦈

[Marian]

Marian Redmann Character Intros – Shark Abyss

What I learned doing this assignment is that this is a fast and fun to do process to come up with better character introductions.

1. Bull Shark – Antagonist

– attacks diver

– kills diver

NEW: Build the Character’s reputation:

– the divers are afraid of something

– they are investigating damage to a facility

– they see something rammed with great force against their previous work and speculate what it could be

– judging by the damage, it must be devastating, big and fast

– in the darkness there seems to be something

– it seems like a huge shark, but that’s impossible, these sharks do not exists there

2. Lisanna – Protagonist

– drives old used car

– wears business outfit that is not quite stalk-proof

– has to work at the Marine Institute instead of spending the weekend with her daughter

– quarrels with her daughter

– tries to please everyone

– is not afraid of dangerous sharks

– can communicate with sharks secretly

– obeys her arrogant boss without any argument

NEW: Action shows primary traits

– Lisanna at the Marine Institute, she wants to leave Mia with the janitor, Mia complains to her mother that she doesn’t have time for her

– Lisanna notices that something is wrong with the shark

– Mia complains that Lisanna is more interested in the sharks than in her daughter

– Something is broken in the shark pool, the janitor does not dare to fix it, the specialists do not come, it is soon too late

– Lisanna jumps into the pool to the sharks

– Mia and the janitor are shocked and worried

– Julian sees it and runs to the pool to distract the shark

– Lisanna is able to save the shark

– Mia is angry with her mother, but happy that she is back from the shark pool alive.

– Lisanna’s outfit is ruined; she is not too happy to see Julian, they know each other from before

3. Mia – Protagonists daughter

– has put stickers on the car of her mother

– knows everything better

– is snotty and makes her mother feel guilty

– calls her father to annoy her mother

NEW: Action shows primary traits

– Mia complains that her mother doesn’t have enough time for her because she has to earn money and because she doesn’t do enough for the environment

– she finds her mother’s behavior irresponsible and knows everything better

– MAYBE: she films her mother diving into the shark basin and posts the video later to put herself in a better light for her Instagram environmental channel and to collect clicks

4. Julian – Antagonist

– observes everything and does not let himself look into the cards

– basks in the reputation of being the son of his influential, powerful father

– behaves sovereignly self-confident and arrogant

NEW: Action shows primary traits

– Julian examines situations calm and precise

– He races to help Lisanna and distract the shark

– he is charming and self-confident

– MAYBE: Mia’s boss praises Julians great deeds, presents him as a visionary who has turned his back on his father’s company and is now doing a lot for the environment

5. Claas – Protagonist Ex-Partner

– lives in a lighthouse and does not care about appearances

– hearty nature boy

– warmly embraces his daughter

– defends Lisanna from Mia, although Lisanna has left him

NEW: Action shows primary traits

– Claas cuts a big tree

– shoulders a trunk and carries it bare-chested to the lighthouse (Commando style)

– The helicopter brings Mia

– Mia is thrilled to see her father

– Claas has caught fish and wants to make a campfire with Mia

– Mia reminds him that it’s time for his lighthouse duty

– she also wants to see Sophia, her best friend today

– he has completely forgotten about his work and also that Mia wanted to go to Sophia today, thinks he is lost without Mia

– he wants to finish his work quickly so that he can make the campfire for her before she goes to Sophia’s house

NEW INTRODUCTION SCENE (translated from German language)

EXT. MARINE INSTITUTE – DAY

Luxury cars parked in front of the elegant institute. A bit aside a rust bucket with “Save the environment” stickers. We guess who owns the rust bucket.

MIA (V.O.)

Mom, we wanted to go to the demo! Do you always have to take care of those stupid sharks?

INT. SHARK TANK – DAY

LISANNA, in a not so stylish business outfit, hurries around the basin, her daughter MIA trotting sullenly behind. JANITOR HENRY pokes around the pool with a long pole.

LISANNA

Henry, can you watch Mia for a minute?

Suddenly a SHARK shoots out, just past Lisanna and Mia and bites into the pole. Henry is scared to death, ashen-faced he backs away.

Mia is speechless. Lisanna leans over the edge of the pool and peers into the basin, where the shark could jump out again at any moment.

LISANNA

Freddy is a bit too aggressive…

MIA

Mama, come away from there!

HENRY

Not my job to get eaten!

Lisanna is now holding a HAND IN THE WATER!

MIA

MOM!!

LISANNA

Way too warm… he won’t survive….

HENRY

The valve for the heat pump is stuck. Called about an hour ago….

LISANNA

The only way to fix it is in the pool….

HENRY

You want me to go in there? No way!

Lisanna looks around hastily, sees the janitor’s toolbox, takes off her jacket and shoes.

HENRY

You’re not going to…

MIA

Are you crazy, mom??

LISANNA

If we don’t do something now, Freddy is dead.

Lisanna hands Henry her jacket, grabs a pipe wrench, a wrench, and some wire.

MIA

The shark has gone completely nuts….

LISANNA

Just distract him a bit.

Lisanna jumps into the water.

MIA

(panicked, yelling)

How are we going to distract a shark???

INT. SHARK TANK – DAY

Lisanna dives to the valve, checks the temperature. Almost burns her hand. Sets the screwdriver and hammers it into the valve with the pipe wrench.

FREDDY, the shark, is irritated, turns and starts circling Lisanna.

EXT. ENTRANCE AREA INSTITUTE – DAY

Behind the reception area, you can see into the pool through a large glass window.

JULIAN, a smartly dressed businessman in his mid-30s, stands in front of a LEGO diorama of the Institute, pauses, rebuilds a detail, smiles. Now it’s true to reality.

MARIA, the secretary, drops her cup from her hand in shock.

MARIA

Lisanna, bloody hell.

Julian sees Lisanna in the water. Remains calm, assesses the situation.

JULIAN

What’s the fastest way to get to the pool?

INT. SHARK TANK – DAY

Lisanna turns the screwdriver with the pliers and takes the wire.

A giant shadow approaches her. Freddy looks at Lisanna with hostility, approaches threateningly.

EXT. SHARK TANK – DAY

Mia is in a frenzy, yelling at the Henry.

MIA

My God, do something!

Julian runs in to the tank.

JULIAN

(to Mia)

Easy.

He sticks his hand into the pool and waves it around loosely. Freddy pauses, sees the swirls in the water, and turns toward Julian.

JULIAN

Sharks respond to vibrations.

INT. SHARK TANK – DAY

Lisanna knots the wire provisionally. Checks the temperature with her hand.

Freddy suddenly steps on the gas and races toward the edge of the pool toward Lisanna!

He shoots past her and heads for Julian’s hand.

EXT. SHARK TANK – DAY

Julian pulls his hand out just in time.

JULIAN

I still need that!

Lisanna pops up at the edge of the pool and gets out.

Freddy calms down again and dives down.

MIA

(to Lisanna)

Are you completely stupid?

Mia runs towards her, crying.

MIA

Don’t ever do that again!

She clutches her mother.

LISANNA

Sharks are more afraid of us than we are —

MIA

Don’t give me that shit!

LISANNA

I couldn’t let Freddy die after all….

Lisanna, soaking wet and deranged, sees Julian.

JULIAN

Lisanna. Still a little too brave.

LISANNA

Julian)

JULIAN

Saved your life again.

LISANNA

I’m doing just fine without you.

MIA

Does anyone ever ask me how I feel? I’m totally traumatized!

The director of the institute, PROF. INGA KRATZHAIN bursts in.

PROF. KRATZHAIN

Lisanna, I’m looking for you everywhere.

Prof. Kratzhain pauses, looks at the deranged Lisanna.

PROF. KRATZHAIN

What do you look like?

She sees Julian.

PROF. KRATZHAIN

Oh. Julian! Meet our shark expert, Lisanna Dorn.

LISANNA

We’ve met before, Inga.

MIA

My mom just saved a shark!

🦈🦈🦈

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Marian Redmann.

[Marian]

Marian Redmann Character Story Beats – Shark Abyss

What I learned doing this assignment is that this is a very powerful tool! If done as suggested, it leads to changes that are difficult to see otherwise.

LISANNA

1. Character Profile / Protagonist
Role in the story: Mother of Mia, shark expert, savior of the island.

Core Character Traits: pragmatic, courageous, aloof, difficult to see through

loving mother, underestimated

Character Subtext Logline: wanted to make the world a better place and failed, gave up and became pragmatic

Flaw: feels guilty about a mistake in the past, her claustrophobia hinders her from advancing in her job

Want: to earn enough money to make ends meet
Need: wants to be a good mother

Mission/Agenda Character Arc: needs to rediscover her ideals and come to terms with the past

Secret: wanted to save people in the past and defuse an explosive device of her activist friends, it went wrong and people got hurt

2. Lisannas beginning, middle and end

B: wants to find out if there are dangerous sharks on the island to prevent harm from her daughter and the island
M: has to fight sharks and henchmen of the antagonist

E: kills the sharks, defuses the explosives, rescues daughter and kills antagonist

3. Lisannas beats of their story – broad strokes

– Lisanna is asked to find out if there are dangerous sharks on the island.
– refuses first because of her claustrophobia and decides to do it because her daughter and the island might be in danger

– Lisanna dives into the cage and is attacked by Julians (antagonist) men and has to fight the sharks

– Lisanna has to find out what’s going on and also find a way out of the bunker as the water rises

– Lisanna finds Mia and has to rescue her and a group of tourists

– she defuses the explosives and kills the sharks

– Mia is kidnapped by Julian, Lisanna frees her and rescues Mia

4. Improvement

There’s a lot of shark fighting going on in the second act. Which is good – but there is no real (spoken out) difference between the fights and it may seem that the reactions are forced onto Lisanna by the sharks and the environment. It would be good to have an active decision of Lisanna stated. Like: “Enough of this running away from the sharks we are going to kill them!” She does not what to kill them first, then around the midpoint, makes an active decision that she needs to fight and kill them, in order to save her daughter, the group and the environment. This can be supported by the actions and information of the other characters, such as Mia, who knows her way around the bunker, Claas, who brings new information, Sophie, who brings hard-hitting suggestions for solutions, etc.

MIA / Supporting Character

1. Character Profile:
Role in the story: daughter of Mia and Claas, schoolgirl, tour guide filling in for Sophia

Core Character Traits: moody, dedicated, Know-it-all, stubborn, sensitive

Character Subtext Logline: wants to be like Greta Thurnberg and at the same time a normal teenager

Flaw: too sensitive and good-natured.

Want: wants to improve/save the world and have her mother by her side

Need: find her place in live/ who she really is

Mission/Agenda Character Arc: realizes her mother is much stronger than she thought and recognizes her as a role model

2. Mias beginning, middle and end

B: does not have a high opinion of her mother and considers herself morally above her

M: takes over the leadership of the tourist group but is not able to be the leader after the explosion and is separated and has to fight on her own till Lisanna finds her
E: recognizes that her mother is a great woman and lovingly subordinates herself to her (accepts her daughter role)

3. Mia’s beats of their story – broad strokes

– Mia wants to spend time with her mother but does not respect her and reproaches her.

– Mia sees a role model in Sophia, but she is not a role model

– Mia takes over the leadership of the tourist group for Sophia

– Mia cannot assert herself when things get difficult and is separated from the group.

– Mia manages to survive but can’t find a way out of the bunker.

– Mia is relieved that Lisanna and Claas find her and discovers new sides of her mother.

– Mia accepts that her mother is a strong, brave woman and gives her a chance.

– Mia is happy that she has her mother

4. Improvement

Mia’s psychological arc, as she finds new respect and love for her mother, already works well. A more physical transformation might be missing yet, for example that she learns to assert herself and to fight powerfully for her goals. She could take over the role of Sophia if it would show up that Sophia has a big mouth, but then pinches when it comes to it. This would could mean that in the end, Sophia doesn’t shoot with the old Wehrmacht gun and saves the boy, but Mia does. I’m not sure yet which is the better way. It might be a better twist though, possibly for both characters and mirror Lisannas arc.

CLAAS / Love-Interest

1. Character Profile
Role in the story: Father of Mia, Lighthouse Keeper

Core Character Traits: charming, takes too little responsibility, Know-it-all

taciturn, Nature Man

Character Subtext Logline: wants to make the world a better place, but doesn’t have the discipline to do so, thinks he is a good father already
Flaw: makes it too easy on himself
Want: wants to be a good father to Mia and get Lisanna back
Need: to get over the separation from Lisanna

Mission/Agenda Character Arc: must learn to take responsibility

2. Claas’ beginning, middle and end

B: Claas takes little responsibility for his daughter
M: Claas is putting Mia in danger by failing to evacuate the bunkers

E: Claas sacrifices himself to save Mia and buys Lisanna time to disarm the explosives

3. Claas’ beats of their story – broad strokes

– Claas does not take his duties as a father seriously

– He is supposed to evacuate the bunker, but fails, because Mia steps in unnoticed as the tour guide for the tourist group

– Claas saves Lisanna from a shark

– Claas helps Lisanna find out what the sharks and the antagonists are all about

– Claas supports Lisanna in the fight with the sharks

– When Lisanna gets stuck in a tube, he saves her again

– At the end (of his story) he saves Mia by sacrificing himself for her.

4. Improvement

Claas should not be this helpful right away, but should be reminded of his duties as a father and his failures (around the midpoint). This leads to more conflict and a stronger arc of Claas’ character. He can actively decide to be a better father and take responsibility.

SOPHIA / Supporting Character

1. Character Profile

Role in the story: best friend of Mia

Core Character Traits: sassy, cocky, practical, morally flexible, reliable friend

Character Subtext Logline: a girl who just want to have fun!

Flaw: overdoes it, knows no limits

Want: wants to enjoy her youth and grow up as fast as possible

Need: wants to be part of a community and to be loved

Mission/Agenda Character Arc: must learn to respect rules and other people

2. Sophias beginning, middle and end

B: has only nonsense in mind

M: through their irresponsible actions the group can get weapons and find a bunker that no one else knows about

E. saves the little boy and the group

3. Sophias beats of their story – broad strokes

– Sophia smokes secretly in the bunker and is a bad example for Mia

– She is supposed to lead the group of tourists, but doesn’t feel like it and lets Mia do it

– Sophia annoys everyone but the little boy of the group thinks she’s great.

– She doesn’t want to take responsibility for anyone, but here her qualities are in demand.

– she knows how and where to find weapons in the bunker and can show the group a secret bunker when there is no way out.

– she rescues the little boy and takes over the role of protector for his grandma, who is injured

4. Improvement

Sophia is an interesting character but there was no clear storyline for her. I changed her story so that she’s supposed to be leading the tour, but she shifts it to Mia. She is considered a bad influence and puts herself outside of society. She refuses to be a mother figure to Mia and the little boy in the group. In the struggle for survival, however, it is precisely her skills that are needed and she is integrated into the community and is able to shine by recognizing that she is important to the group.

JULIAN

1. Character Profile / Antagonist
Role in the story: Antagonist
Core Character Traits: charismatic, energetic, doer, morally very flexible, egomaniacal/ psychotic

Character Subtext Logline: wants to prove to his overbearing father that he can follow in his footsteps

Flaw: overcompensates, goes too far

Want: desperately wants to be successful and go down in history

Need: wants his father to accept him

Mission/Agenda Character Arc: learns nothing and must atone for his mistakes

Secret: was once in love with Lisanna and wanted to change the world with her, but didn’t dare to get rid of his roots

2. Julians beginning, middle and end

B: Julian hires Lisanna but has a secret agenda
M: Julian does what’s in his power to make his plan work and show his father that he is as good/ unscrupulous as he

E: Julian kidnapped Mia and is killed by Lisanna with the help of a shark

3. Julians beats of their story – broad strokes

– Julian hires Lisanna and wants to use her as a scapegoat. His secret plan is to convert the Helgoland nature reserve into an oil claim unit with the help of abandoned sharks and Nazi explosives from the old bunkers

– Julian sends Lisanna to dive with men who are supposed to kill her

– Julian has his father send a commando company

– Julian does not oppose his father’s plans to drop an even bigger bomb, he thinks he is the ruler of the world but kowtows to his father

– Julian tries to be even more ruthless than his father and kidnaps Mia and wants to feed her and the survivors of the group to the sharks

– Julian is inferior to Lisanna, she is able to overpower him and he dies by Lisanna’s trick and a shark

4. Improvement

Julian tries to convince his father that he can be even more megalomaniacal and scrappy than he is. He wants to implement his plan, but fails because he underestimates Lisanna. What I could improve is to make his motives even clearer, that he was once in love with Lisanna and is still offended and that he is actually a victim of his overbearing father. This would make his role as antagonist even stronger and more dramatic.

🦈🦈🦈

Greetings and thanks to this group!

[Marian]

Marian Redmann Character Profiles Shark Abyss

Logline: When an explosion of a WWII submarine cave at the German high-sea island Helgoland traps tourists in a collapsed bunker, claustrophobic marine biologist Lisanna has to fight dangerous bull sharks to save the group and win back the love and respect of her estranged daughter Mia, before the bunkers are flooded and they either drown or get killed by the sharks.

What I learned doing this assignment is, that this an effective exercise, that was fun to do. Secondary characters and antagonists are easier for me to write.

Role: LISANNA

Role in the story: Mother of Mia, shark expert, savior of the island.

Core Character Traits:

Pragmatic

Courageous

Aloof, difficult to see through

loving mother

underestimated

Character Subtext Logline: wanted to make the world a better place and failed, gave up and became pragmatic

OPTIONAL:

Flaw: feels guilty about a mistake in the past, her claustrophobia hinders her from advancing in her job

Want: to earn enough money to make ends meet
Need: wants to be a good mother

Mission/Agenda Character Arc (if any): needs to rediscover her ideals and come to terms with the past

Secret:

wanted to save people in the past and defuse an explosive device of her activist friends, it went wrong and people got hurt

NOTE: I had to adjust the character traits and hope that these are the right words. Lisanna is supposed to be a loving mother who has to hide the secret of her past from her daughter and therefore seems unapproachable for her. She is sympathetic, but it is difficult for her to bear all the responsibility alone. Also she can do a lot more than people think when they meet her the first time.

Role: MIA

Role in the story: Daughter of Mia and Claas, schoolgirl,
tour guide as a vacation job, filling in for someone

Core Character Traits:

moody

Dedicated

Know-it-all

Stubborn

Sensitive

Character Subtext Logline:

Wants to be like Greta Thurnberg and at the same time a normal teenager

OPTIONAL:

Flaw: Too sensitive and good-natured.

Want: wants to improve/save the world and have her mother by her side

Need: find her place in live/ who she really is

Mission/Agenda Character Arc (if any): realizes her mother is much stronger than she thought and recognizes her as a role model

NOTE: Mia is now 15 (instead of 13) and I clarified that she is doing a summer job as a temp, thanks and credit for my feedback partner! Changed smart to moody. Lisanna and Mia are both smart of course. But moody seemed better to do something with it.

I like her character because she wants to be a modern Greta Thurnberg, but also a normal teenager, which is not possible, bzw. very hard to unite.

Role: CLAAS

Role in the story: Father of Mia, Lighthouse Keeper

Core Character Traits:

Charming

Takes too little responsibility

Know-it-all

taciturn

Nature Man

Character Subtext Logline: Wants to make the world a better place, but doesn’t have the discipline to do so

OPTIONAL:

Flaw: makes it too easy on himself

Want: wants to be a good father to Mia and get Lisanna back
Need: to get over the separation from Lisanna

Mission/Agenda Character Arc (if any): must learn to take responsibility

NOTE: Claas is super likable but makes it too easy for himself, it was harder to find anything that really characterized him. Here, nature man is supposed to show that he cares about the environment and the island, also he’s supposed to be a typical islander why I changed lovable to taciturn, hope the word is correct, like a wordless hermit, someone that doen’t speak much.

This also makes for a bigger difference with Julian who is an eloquent talker.

Role: SOPHIA

Role in the story: best friend of Mia

Core Character Traits:

Sassy

Cocky

Practical

Morally flexible

Reliable friend

Character Subtext Logline:

A girl who just want to have fun!

OPTIONAL:

Flaw: overdoes it, knows no limits

Want: wants to enjoy her youth and grow up as fast as possible

Need: wants to be part of a community and to be loved

Mission/Agenda Character Arc (if any):

Must learn to respect rules and other people

NOTE: Almost more exciting than Mia because she’s more fun and edgy, I added reliable friend to give her more depth.

Rolle: JULIAN

Role in the story: Antagonist

Core Character Traits:

Charismatic

energetic

Doer

Morally very flexible

egomaniacal/ psychotic

Character Subtext Logline:

Wants to prove to his overbearing father that he can follow in his footsteps

OPTIONAL:

Flaw: overcompensates, goes too far.

Want: desperately wants to be successful and go down in history

Need: wants his father to accept him

Mission/Agenda Character Arc (if any): learns nothing and must atone for his mistakes

Secret: was once in love with Lisanna and wanted to change the world with her, but didn’t dare to get rid of his roots

NOTE: Julian practically writes himself… absolutely new to this and also from feedback from the group is, that he and Lisanna have a past together. Mia might or might not be his daughter!

Big thanks to everybody in this class!

🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈

[Marian]

MARIAN REDMANN STOY BEATS

What I learned doing this assignment is, that I am really curious about new processes, I especially liked to try the backward beat method. I feel that this process really helps but I am also glad that I learned that it’s good to start writing not having all answers. So, I know now where I want to elevate beats, but have not solved all the problems that this task poses.

Some stuff may sound like German English/ DENGLISH. Hope you don’t mind.

Have fun!

LOGLINE: SHARK ABYSS
When an explosion of a WWII submarine cave at the German high-sea island Helgoland traps tourists in a collapsed bunker, claustrophobic marine biologist Lisanna has to fight dangerous bull sharks to save the group and win back the love and respect of her estranged daughter Mia, before the bunkers are flooded and they either drown or get killed by the sharks.

BEATS INCLUDING FLAGGED BEATS:

1. INT. UNDERWATER CAVE – DAY

Divers are attacked by a deadly bull shark.

2. EXT. MARINE INSTITUTE – DAY

Lisanna argues with her daughter Mia.

3. INT. MARINE INSTITUTE – DAY

Julian wants Lisanna to investigate the shark attack.

4. INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Mia is not impressed by Julians money and power. Lisanna is reluctant to enter the helicopter because of her claustrophobia.

5. EXT. LIGHTHOUSE HELGOLAND – DAY

Mia stays wither her father. She thinks her mother should care more for the environment instead of sharks or money.

6. INT. FUTURE STAR – TAG

Lisanna tries to find out what has caused the attack.

7. INT. FUTURE STAR – CARD ROOM – DAY

Julian wants Lisanna to dive in the submarine cave.

FLAGGED BEAT:

This beat needs more personal conflict. Sure, the explosives could harm Mia and the island. But Lisanna could take Mia away from the island, problem solved. There must be history between Julian and Lisanna. And Julian knows how to push Lisannas buttons. Also, this beats problem is a missing beat after it. Showing Lisanna reluctant to the call of adventure and finding out more about bull sharks (Footage from Internet) and Julian and probably his company,

MISSING BEAT:

7A. INT. FUTURE STAR – DAY

Missing scene refusal & shark research, also research about Julian.

8. EXT. NORTH SEA – DAY

Lisanna goes to the diving site in an inflatable boat. She has to dive with two suspicious men from Julian.

9. INT. CAVE – DAY

Lisanna dives into the cave, feeling queasy because of her claustrophobia.

10. INT. FUTURE STAR – DAY

Julian sees the action via Lisanna’s cam. He talks to his father. Julian’s father is the key figure in the background.

11. INT. BUNKER – DAY

Parallel plot: Mia meets her friend Sophie. Mia is supposed to give a guided tour for tourists through the bunker.

12. INT. SUBMARINE CAVE – DAY

Lisanna dives into the cave with a rusted submarine. There is a lot of old Nazi explosives stored there. The submarine has a hole. Some explosives have already gone off. Lisanna can’t dive into the boat because of her claustrophobia.

13. INT. BUNKER – DAY

Mia meets all the members of the group she is to guide through the bunker.

FLAGGED BEAT:

We meet the “shark fodder”, this scene could slow down the pace, also we know that some of the group members will not survive. The group has to have a fresh feel to it, maybe they are here for a special purpose. On the other hand, they are supposed to be people like you and me so that the viewers can identify better with them.

14. INT. INNER CAVE – DAY

Lisanna finds caged bull sharks in a small cave. She is attacked by one of the men. When he tries to kill her, a bull shark mauls him. Explosives explode and the cave collapses.

15. INT. BUNKER – STORAGE ROOM – DAY

Mia and the tourists are surprised by the explosion. The bunker system seems to have sunk. Water penetrates. They cannot stay in the bunker for long.

16. INT. FUTURE STAR – DAY

Julian’s father is not convinced the operation is going well and sends his own commando team.

17. INT. INNER CAVE – DAY

Lisanna lives but is attacked by a large bull shark. She can just save herself in an adjacent cave.

18. INT. BOULDER CAVE – DAY

Lisanna finds the second diver and wants to help him. The shark kills him and chases Mia.

19. INT. UPPER PASSAGE – DAY

Claas is able to rescue Lisanna into a higher passage, but the water is rising and soon the shark will have reached her. Lisanna learns that Mia is also in the bunker. She has to save Mia.

20. INT. BUNKER – STORAGE ROOM – DAY

The water is rising. Mia looks for a way out of the room. Some of the tourists want to stay. A shark attacks and kills members of the group. Mia is separated from the others. The others are able to escape into a shaft and think Mia is dead.

FLAGGED BEAT:

It’s kind of a cliché since “Poseidon Inferno” that some people want to stay and wait for help and some want to help themselves. Also, we know that Mia probably will be alive.

21. INT – UPPER PASSAGE – DAY

Lisanna and Claas work their way through the rubble trying to understand what happened and how dangerous sharks can get into the bunker.

FLAGGED BEAT:

Here we need some new insights of Claas, helping to get Lisanna new information.

22. INT. BUNKER – TRANSFORMATOR ROOM – DAY

Lisanna and Claas find the tourists. Lisanna learns that Mia is probably dead. The group plans to go back towards the exit and stun the shark with a homemade stun gun.

FLAGGED BEAT:

There’s probably a better solution that the homemade stun gun to fight the shark here. If so, I did not have figured one by now.

23. INT. FUTURE STAR – DIVING LOCK – DAY

The Alpha Team is coming.

FLAGGED BEAT:

Commandos are always a cliché. These guys think they are the good guys, but we think they are the bad guys. This makes for some interesting dialogue later, but here they are typically commando members…

24. INT. BUNKER – DAY

The group fights the shark with the stun gun and is able to get past it. Another tourist is killed.

FLAGGED BEAT:
Is there a more exciting way to fight the shark?

25. INT. BUNKER – MUNITION ROOM – DAY

Lisanna finds Mia. She is alive! But the exit to the top is buried. Soon they will drown or be eaten by the sharks. A new plan is needed. Sophie knows an unknown part of the secret submarine base. Through a pipe shaft

FLAGGED BEAT:
Also, imho this plan may need some more excitement.

26. INT. INNER CAVE – DAY

The remaining sharks can free themselves.

FLAGGED BEAT:

Great Scene. Now we have more sharks. But the beat itself reads kind of flat.

27. INT. SUBMARINE CAVE – DAY

The three men of the Alpha Team split up. Two are looking for Lisanna and the others. One wants to arm explosives. Are they coming to help or do they have something else in mind?

28. INT. PIPE SHAFT – DAY

Lisanna and the others go through the narrow pipe. Lisanna nearly drowns from getting stuck because of her claustrophobia. Claas saves her.

29. INT. OLD SUBMARINE BASE – DAY

Lisanna and the others battle the two men from Alpha Team. The commandos think Lisanna is a terrorist. An explosive charge has been placed on the old submarine that could destroy the entire island. Lisanna is the only one who can defuse them. Mia no longer understands the world. What secrets does her mother keep?

30. INT OLD SUBMARINE CAVE – DIVE SITE – DAY

Mia falls into the water. Lisana and Claas have to save her. Mia begs Lisana to defuse the bomb to save the island. Claas sacrifices himself for his daughter.

40. INT. SUBMARINE CAVE – DAY

Lisanna can kill one of the remaining three sharks. She cannot disarm the detonator and must bring it into the sub to dampen the detonation. To do this, she must overcome her claustrophobia. Two sharks follow her into the submarine. Lisanna barely has minutes left and has to trick the two sharks. At the last second, she tries to escape through the hole in the outer wall of the submarine. Then she catches the blast of the explosion.

41. INT. NEWS – DAY

The island and most of the bunker survived the muffled explosion. Lisanna is accused in the news of being guilty of the attack.

42. INT. FUTURE STAR – DAY

Mia and the others are taken to the Future Star. Julian’s father plans to detonate an even bigger bomb to destroy the island.

43. INT. FUTUTE STAR – DAY

Miraculously, Lisanna survived. She dives into the Future Star to free Mia. Julian holds Mia in his power and wants to throw both of them to the sharks. We learn that Julian plans to convert all of Helgoland into an oil production platform, using explosives and sharks to keep tourists away. Lisanna should be used as a scapegoat from the start.

44. INT. FUTURE STAR – SHARK TANK – DAY

Lisanna can distract the shark with her knowledge of the sharks in her laboratory and free Mia, the shark eats Julian.

FLAGGED BEAT:

Also, here I imagine I could use a really exciting new way to fight the shark and how Julian is killed.

55. EXT. LIGHTHOUSE HELGOLAND – DAY

Lisanna saved her daughter and the island and is hailed as the hero of Helgoland. She moves into Claas’ lighthouse with Mia. Lisanna and her mother have found each other again.

46. EXT. NORTH SEA – DAY

Tourists are sightseeing around Helgoland in a boot. There are no more dangerous sharks? Then a large fin appears and heads for the small boat…

🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈

[Marian]

Marian Redmann – concept and basic structure SHARK ABYSS

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is: even if I think I have nailed down a good structure, it can be improved, especially watching it from another angle.

Logline: When an explosion of a WWII submarine cave at the German high-sea island Helgoland traps tourists in a collapsed bunker, claustrophobic marine biologist Lisanna has to fight dangerous bull sharks to save the group and win back the love and respect of her estranged daughter Mia, before the bunkers are flooded and they either drown or get killed by the sharks.

Marian Redmann – Basic Structure Version 1

Main Conflict:

1. Opening:

Divers are attacked by a shark in an unique way.

2. Inciting Incident:

Lisanna is asked to investigate a mystery. The incident looks like a shark attack but there are no sharks in the North Sea.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

Lisanna realizes that if they are sharks in the recently discovered Nazi submarine cave, they and the old WW II explosives stored there, could be a threat to her daughter Mia who lives on this island.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

Lisanna is attacked by one of the divers from her employer, a shark kills the man, triggering an explosion that traps Lisanna and her daughter Mia in the bunker system.

Ticking clock: the water is rising fast, they will either drown or be eaten by the sharks.

5. Mid-Point:

Lisanna finds Mia but also sees that the only exit has been blocked by the explosion.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Lisanna finds out that the Antagonist want to destroy the whole Island with a large explosion, the timer is set.

7. Crisis:

Lisanna has to decide either defuse the explosives or to save Mia from the shark.
Her Ex and Mias Father Claas is killed by a shark.

8. Climax:

After killing the sharks and preventing the destruction of the whole island, Lisanna has to face the antagonist who has kidnapped Mia and saver her.

9. Resolution:

Lisanna and Mia living together on the island. Mia has found new respect and love for her Mother.

Marian Redmann – Basic Structure Version 2

Main Conflict:

1. Opening:

Divers are attacked by a shark in an unique way.

This is a shark movie and thus has to start with an attack by a shark. It is a cliché but also a genre convention, something that has to be delivered for the audience. Here the attack has to be in a new and exciting environment and I am changing the scene that we will see the WW II underwater cave setting right here. Also I will add a new shark attack where the bullshark uses its tail to throw a person flying through the air, instead of a normal shark attack.

This could also be seen as a teaser as it has at this point nothing to do with the protagonists story. Right after we see Lisanna arguing with her daughter Mia as Lisanna has to go to the marine institute, rather than spending the weekend with her daughter. Mia didn’t want to spend the weekend with her daughter and wants to go back to the island where her father lives. I will change this that Mia now wants to be with Lisanna but Lisanna decides to go to the institue because of the emergency. Lisanna then takes her daughter with her as they fly to the island, leaving her at her father. So in the new version Lisanna is also responsible for Mia being on the island. This connects the Inciting Incident, Lisannas decision to dive in the cave even if shes claustrophobic and the need to save Mia even better.

2. Inciting Incident:

Lisanna is asked to investigate a mystery. The incident looks like a shark attack but there are no sharks in the North Sea.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

Lisanna realizes that if they are sharks in the recently discovered Nazi submarine cave, they and the old WW II explosives stored there, could be a threat to her daughter Mia who lives on this island.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

Lisanna is attacked by one of the divers from her employer, a shark kills the man, triggering an explosion that traps Lisanna and her daughter Mia in the bunker system.

Ticking clock: the water is rising fast, they will either drown or be eaten by the sharks.

5. Mid-Point:

Lisanna finds Mia but also sees that the only exit has been blocked by the explosion.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Lisanna finds out that the Antagonist want to destroy the whole Island with a large explosion, the timer is set.

I will try to make stronger that Lisanna has “to accept something about herself or has to accept that their way of doing things just won’t work anymore”.

Lisanna later has to confront her claustrophobia, diving into the old submarine. But at this point she could be forced to deal with her past as an eco-activist. She swore to herself never touch explosives anymore and to forget that part of her past.

7. Crisis:

Lisanna has to decide either defuse the explosives or to save Mia from the shark.
Her Ex and Mias Father Claas is killed by a shark.

8. Climax:

After killing the sharks and preventing the destruction of the whole island, Lisanna has to face the antagonist who has kidnapped Mia and save her.

9. Resolution:

Lisanna and Mia living together on the island. Mia has found new respect and love for her Mother.

🦈🦈🦈

[Marian]

Marian Redmann’s Logline and One-pager:

What I learned from doing this assignment: According to the internet one page can be either 300 or 500 words. Also to celebrate areas for improvement!

DISCLAIMER: I write in German language, this is a translation and may have some language flaws!

Logline: When an explosion of an WWII Submarine Cave at the German high-sea island Helgoland traps tourists in a collapsed bunker, claustrophobic marine biologist Lisanna has to fight dangerous bull sharks to save the group and her estranged daughter Mia before the bunkers are flodded.

Working Title: SHARK ABYSS

One-page overview (approx. 300 words):

Shark expert LISANNA is to clarify whether a mysterious death near the German offshore island of Helgoland could be an attack by one of the most dangerous of all sharks, the bull shark. But there are no sharks in the North Sea. Their client JULIAN’S company is to dispose of a large quantity of explosives in a previously unknown World War II submarine bunker under the island. Lisanna fears for the island where her 13-year-old daughter Mia lives together with Lisanna’s ex-husband CLAAS. Lisanna, despite her claustrophobia, dives into the flooded underwater bunker with Julian’s two co-workers. She discovers in a side cave near an old submarine cages with captive bull sharks. One of the divers attacks Lisanna, but a giant bull shark kills the man. The other diver escapes, accidentally setting off an explosion of explosives. The entire cave system is shaken, causing the bunker system, which is also open to the public, to sink. The trapped sharks are able to free themselves. While Lisanna is trying to get to safety from the shark, she comes across a group of survivors in the bunkers. Tourists led by her daughter MIA. The bunkers continue to flood from the encroaching water and the group is attacked by the sharks. Lisanna must face the battle with the sharks to save the group and especially her daughter, who is estranged from her. However, not everyone wants Lisanna to survive. Julian has planned from the beginning to blow up the whole island in order to exploit huge oil deposits in the nature reserve. Laura, as a former militant eco-activist, is supposed to be the scapegoat. No one is allowed to survive for this, least of all Lisanna. Laura now fights not only against time, before the bunkers are completely flooded and everyone runs out of air, but against the most dangerous of all sharks and Julian’s brutal mercenaries!

🦈

[Marian]

Marian Redmann

“I agree to the terms of this release form.”

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Marian]

Hi everyone,

my name in Marian. I have written 8 scripts. I hope to get my latest script to a really awesome level and also get a better rewrite process with more tools. Unusual for this class may be that I am from Germany and write in German language, so probably nobody here will be able to read my assignments? 😀
Great to meet you all, best
Marian

[Marian]

I see, this was changed because of the assignment! Well done, Ken! It needs to be there to grab us right away. And it worked perfect grabbing me right from the first sentence! I instantly want to know what causes these guys to become Santas! 🎅🎅🎅

[Marian]

Thank you Ken, I really like your character intro with the T-shirts, these guys sticked in my mind alone from this one sentence! Perfectly done!!

[Marian]

Daniel,

there are really good and also really tough questions! Have to think about it!

Thank you for this feedback!

🏄‍♀️🏄‍♂️🦈🦈🦈

[Marian]

Thank you, Ken!

I really think that this process helps a lot to realize where individuals storylines could be improved, even for storylines I thought were working quite well!

[Marian]

Hi Arial,

wow, that’s awesome! Thank you! I have sended a connect invite. Also you can use my email, I am not sure if we are to supposed to post emails here, but this forum is private to the group, I guess…

marian.redmann@t-online.de

Great to meet you! Best

Marian