Mark Furney
Forum Replies Created
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INT. HOTEL BALLROOM – NIGHT
Formal attire. Waiters, in tuxedos, bustle about with champagne glasses on trays. Delivering the goods to the decked-out patrons at this event.
Robert, a big smile on his face, is at one end of the room whispering into GUEST 1’S ear.
Trent, his eyes glued upon Robert, is at the other end of the room.
Robert makes his charming way to another guest. Whispers into GUEST 2’s ear.
Trent takes this in. Trent barely pays attention to the blonde trying to chat into his ear.
Guest 1 makes his way to Patron 1, whispers into her ear.
GUEST 1
(soto voce)
Word is, the mayor is going to be a no-show. Not happy about some of the funding sources.
Trent, almost as if he’s on guard, stands next to a platform guarded by curtains. A SHOT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAINS reveals an architectural model’s mock-up of NEW CITY CENTER SQUARE.
Trent motions to a body guard type. Russian, anyone can tell.
Steps away. Whispers into the guards ear.
TRENT
Get out there, find out what the gossip is about.
The guard looks quizzically at Trent, as if he doesn’t understand.
TRENT
They’re gossiping. Robert is spreading trash. He whispers, they look at me. I can feel it. And get word to Robert – I want to speak with him before the mayor gets here.
Guest 2 talks to a group of attendees.
GUEST 2
Well, if that’s true, the mayor will kill this deal in its tracks.
He won’t want dirty money like that, so close to city hall.
Robert, in his smiling way, keeps getting closer to Trent. The guard whispers into Robert’s ear.
Trent continues to put on a good show. Big smiles. Confident. And he continues to proudly guard the platform which holds the architectural mock up. Trent is just itching for the unveiling.
Robert makes his way to Trent.
ROBERT
The big moment! You’ll be so proud.
TRENT
Where is the mayor, Robert? He’s late. That was your task.
ROBERT
He is late. I can’t figure out why.
TRENT
I promised I’d wait until he was here, before I unveiled this beautiful project. And I’m getting inpatient. And when I get inpatient, I get anxious. Needy. Like I need something.
ROBERT
What do you need, Trent? Tell me.
TRENT
I need the mayor, like you promised.
ROBERT
You want the mayor? Good, because he’d like to talk to you. Follow me.
Robert walks a few steps toward a back exit.
Trent won’t leave his post. Robert returns. Puts his arm around Trent.
ROBERT
Trent, the mayor wants to talk to you. He’s in the back office.
Robert’s eye engages one of the Russian guards.
ROBERT
(to the guard)
Please, for Trent – keep an eye on his little model here. We’ll be right back.
Trent, hesitant. But senses he’s got little choice.
Robert leads Trent out of the main ballroom, down a hallway, and to an EXIT sign.
EXT. TRASH DOCK – NIGHT
It’s a narrow drive, the kind where a trash truck backs in to pick up the goods. A trash truck blocks the view to the street.
While it’s outside, there is still the feeling of tight quarters.
The MAYOR stands next to another 60-ish man. Another man, also in his 60s, close by, but this one is pure Russian mob.
MAYOR
Trent, you stupid fuck. You stiff my good friend, the best architect in town, over a $135,000 mock-up fee?
TRENT
Well, I was going to pay him when …
MAYOR
(interrupts)
Shut up. You use people. What I’m really pissed about is my good friend Gregov, here. I’d give you a chance to explain, but Trent – you get no second chance for mistakes like that.
Trent looks around. To Robert. To the big guards flanking him.
MAYOR
Robert, we done here? Because I got another event to get to.
ROBERT
Yes, Mayor. We can handle it from here.
The mayor and his guard get into a limo and drive off. When the vehicle is out of view…
…the Russian guards start applying big, big fists, into Trent’s abdomen.
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MARK FURNEY MAX INTEREST PART 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is: that it’s possible to use different interest elements to elevate a scene. These lessons are giving me the confidence to make bolder choices in character actions. Go bigger. You can always tone it down if it’s too much.
Logline: John gets some toot.
Essence of scene. A young couple’s 12-year-old daughter is fighting cancer. The chemo treatment isn’t going well, and the young girl wants to stop the treatment so she can regain the use of her hands so she can draw again.
In re-write of this scene, I’ve used surprise and a radical character change. John has been the very practical person in the relationship. To this point, the audience would never suspect him of doing drugs. He’s also been patient, kind and understanding about Karen’s abuse of marijuana. It’s a big change for him to say he’ll divorce Karen if she doesn’t stop using, but it shows he means business.
INT. PAYSON HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
John, on the sofa. On the coffee table, a small mirror. With a blade, he cuts out several lines of a white powder.
Rock music BLASTS FROM THE STEREO.
Karen enters with a bag of groceries in her arms. She surveys the scene and two-steps it to the kitchen.
She storms back to the living room.
KAREN
What the hell are you doing? It’s your night to sit with Cindy.
JOHN
What’s it look like I’m doing? I’m getting ready to take a toot.
Karen bolts to the table and grabs the Bic pen John was putting to the mirror and his nose.
She bolts to the STEREO AND TURNS IT OFF.
JOHN
Hey, that’s a good tune.
KAREN
You get doped up, get drug tested? You’ll be out of a job. And we’ll be out of our health insurance.
JOHN
Not fair, you having all the fun.
John pulls the baggie of marijuana from his pocket and angrily tosses it toward Karen.
JOHN
We need to talk. So, I stopped in the hood. Picked up a gram. I thought this would loosen things up. If we do a toot or two, we can talk up a storm. Just like the old days. Talk, talk, jabber, jabber. Share all our feelings, right?
John puts his head to the mirror for a snort.
Karen darts to the table, picks up the small mirror and throws it into the wall. Glass breaking. White dust in the air.
JOHN
Because I think you’ve been holding something back on me.
John puts the joint in his mouth, grabs a Bic lighter, and starts to light it. Karen grabs the lighter.
KAREN
Have you lost your marbles?
JOHN
No. We need to talk.
KAREN
About what?
JOHN
Well, I’d say Cindy. But I think we need to start somewhere else, don’t we?
KAREN
Knock it off with that crap. Cindy is not going off the treatment. If there is even a ten per cent chance the treatment saves her life, we’re taking it. Cancer is not taking another one from me without a fight to the bloody, brutal end. Till the end, do you get that!
[The scene continues with John getting Karen to really open up about the death of her mother and Karen’s fear of death from cancer.
John says that he’ll let Karen sleep on it as to whether their daughter will get off the chemo. At the end John changes character completely by saying, that while he loves Karen and wants to save his family, that he’ll divorce Karen if she doesn’t stop abusing marijuana. In addition, at the end of the scene, John tells Karen the white powder was baking soda.]
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Lesson 3: Mark profiles for core traits
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that focus upon a character’s core traits helps you make better choices in how to present that character to the reader (audience). An unclear focus on the core traits results in a muddled character, one the reader is not sure how they are to feel about as the character travels through the story. The reader has to “see” that the choices the character makes are realistic based on that character’s core traits. In examining the three people in this exercise, I found that indeed there’s a bit of duality in the extreme traits in these folks. Like, there’s a countervailing side to both the good and the bad in many.
Person 1
Charming. Always on point in trying to charm people.
Outwardly and usually ostentatiously generous. Quick to give a gift, bring the most food to a party, etc.
Scheming (dishonest)
Manipulative (always working an angle).
Person 2
Ambitious (always advancing; working for the better job, position)
Intelligent (but in fact appears humble about it)
Insecure (which I believe causes overcompensation in the ambition department)
Judgmental of other’s shortcomings (but it’s subtle; he’s good at hiding the judgmental nature)
Person 3
Loud (in appearance, vocally, choice of art and decoration – all evidence of a craving to be noticed).
Stubborn (shows a real need to prove she’s got the right answers).
Insecure (because of severe dyslexia; an inability to read)
Giving (but giving to an extreme. She’ll give someone the shirt off her back).
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Mark Furney puts essence to work
What I learned is: Some of these scenes have a bit too much going on. The audience will be unsure of the key emotional development felt or realized by the POV character in the scene. Too much chance for confused feelings in an audience member about the character they should be focused upon in the scene.
Script I chose: Corpus Delicti
<div>Scene 1 location: Opening scene, Luke’s office</div><div>
Logline: Luke
gets a make-or-break phone call.Essence I’ve discovered: While the scene works
in raising an intriguing question (the audience will know it’ll be answered
later) and shows how the protagonist has worked his ass off to get to this key moment,
the scene should do a better job to – early on – show that Luke’s hard work is
motivated because of a deeply seeded pain. His pain isn’t coming through
enough, and its a missed opportunity to raise that key story element at an early stage.New Logline: Perhaps the pain from this rock I’m
carrying around in my gut will go away soon.Scene 2 Location: The trickster’s office. Start of Act II.
Logline: She
will go to the island, no matter what.Essence I’ve discovered: while the scene works
in showing her resolve, its essence must show that resolve is motivated by a
feeling of fault in failing to prevent the tragedy which befell her father.
It’s that feeling of guilt, a feeling of failure, which gnaws inside her. I
need to step up and get that in front of the audience at this key point in
their getting to know the female lead.New Logline: The trickster gently tells Maria,
“it wasn’t YOUR fault.”Scene 3 location:
A.
On the flight back to Miami, in act III.Logline: We’re going to beat the bad guys ….
Essence I’ve discovered: While the scene works
in showing the growing affection and trust between the protagonist and the
female lead (as they head for the showdown), there needs to be the element that
they need each other to help each one of them forgive their own selves for their felt
failures in the tragedy that befell their fathers.New Logline: We’re going to beat the bad guys
…. but we’re going to need each other to learn to forgive ourselves.Scene 4 location: At the office before going to court.
Logline: The boss asks, “will you play nice (with
the judge) in the sandbox?”Essence I’ve discovered: This scene must be used
to reveal more about the essence of the protagonist – that he’s tough, and when
pushed, not likely to be obsequious in his response, even if that might be the better play. That there’s an edge about him, and that he knows it.New Logline: I’ll try to play nice, but if the
other guy gets dirty in the sandbox, there’s no guarantees.Scene 5 location: At the supper scene between protagonist &
the trickster (mentor) character.Logline: Does
our protagonist have the guts to do the right thing?Essence I’ve discovered: While the scene works
on several levels, it misses an opportunity on the crucial point of the
still unresolved competition between the protagonist and the trickster. Both
the protagonist and the trickster broke a lot of rules to get to this very
moment in time. That needs to be played up and our protagonist needs to
confront it, examine it – the rules he broke.New Logline: “We’re not so different, you
and I.”</div>
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Mark Furney Finds the Essence
Script I choose: Michael Clayton
Scene 1 Location: Client’s Suburban house, about 8 minutes into the film, where Michael explains to a client what needs to be done.
Logline: Michael Clayton is a different kind of lawyer.
Essence: We quickly see that Michael Clayton’s skills as an attorney are not based upon the usual courtroom brilliance. He admits as much with the following line of dialog.“There’s no play here. There’s no angle. There’s no champagne room. And I’m not a miracle worker, I’m a janitor.”
The essence of the scene is the character question raised throughout the movie: who is Michael Clayton? That question (who am I?) is the character question Michael Clayton confronts and answers in the film.
Scene 2 Location: At the old family House, where the B story of the family dynamics and Michael’s financial pressures come to a head.
LOGLINE: Self-doubt is a terrible beast.
Michael’s brother, Tim, makes an appearance and tries to make nice with Michael’s 10-year-old son. Michael won’t have it. His son is upset. Michael gives his son a pep talk, saying “you’re stronger than him, you won’t be the kind of guy who goes through life with rain falling down on him all the time.”
Essence: shows that Michael Clayton himself is still full of doubt and anxiety about his self-worth. The juxtaposition of his brother’s narcotic and booze addiction and Michael Clayton’s gambling addiction is the subtext of the scene.
Scene 3 Location: Police station, early in act III.
Logline: You’ve got everybody fooled. Everybody but yourself.
Essence: Again, a character reveal scene. Michael’s brother has just bailed Michael out of trouble for breaking the evidence seal on Arthur’s apartment. His brother, angry, says, “you’ve got the cops thinking you’re a lawyer, and the lawyers thinking you’re a cop. Everybody is fooled. But you. You know exactly what you are.”
Scene 4: Location: Law Office (third act)
Logline: Michael will take the $80K.
Michael, the red binder containing the damning UNorth memo in hand, walks into the chaos of the firm trying to wrap up the big settlement. Michael knows that Arthur wasn’t crazy, that he was onto the fact that the company had poisoned these people. But Marty and the firm will come through with the $80K, which will get Michael out of the financial jam with the loan shark.
Essence: Money problems make us do funny things. Michael can’t pull the trigger and say “no, I won’t keep my mouth shut” which he could do if he didn’t accept the $80K and sign the non-disclosure agreement.
Scene 5:
My selection for most profound, essence- filled scene in Michael Clayton is:
EXT. ALLEY — DAY
ARTHUR walking away.
MICHAEL
(jogging after him)
Arthur! Arthur! Wait up!
ARTHUR stops. Turns. Caught. In his arms he’s cradling twenty-five fresh baguettes.
ARTHUR
Whoaa…
(almost losing his loaves–)
Michael. Jesus. You scared me.
MICHAEL
Making a delivery?
ARTHUR
No… (smiling)
Very funny. Nothing like that…
(as if it were all completely natural and
needed no further explanation–)
Have one…go on…really…
(offering)
It’s still warm. Best bread I’ve ever had in my life.
MICHAEL suddenly holding warm French bread.
MICHAEL
So welcome home.
ARTHUR
I know. The hotel. I’m sorry.
I was getting a little overwhelmed.
MICHAEL
But you’re feeling better now?
ARTHUR
Yes. Definitely. Much better.
MICHAEL
Just not enough to call me back.
ARTHUR hesitant. Straining to keep the mania down.
ARTHUR
I wanted to organize my thoughts.
Before I called. That’s what I’ve been doing.
MICHAEL
And how’s that going?
ARTHUR
Good. Very good. I just…
(fighting the flood)
I need to be more precise. That’s
my goal.
(he smiles)
Speak softly and carry a big baguette.
There’s a beat. Their history rushing in around them.
MICHAEL
As good as this feels, you know where
it goes.
ARTHUR
No. You’re wrong. What feels so good
is not knowing where it goes.
MICHAEL
How do I talk to you, Arthur? So you
hear me? Like a child? Like a nut? Like everything’s fine? What’s the secret? Because I need you to hear me.
ARTHUR
I hear everything.
MICHAEL
Then hear this: You need help. Before this gets too far, you need help. You’ve got great cards here. You keep your clothes on, you can pretty much do any goddamn thing you want. You want out? You’re out. You wanna bake bread? Go with God. There’s one wrong answer in the whole pile and there you are with your arms around it.
ARTHUR
I said I was sorry.
MICHAEL
You thought the hotel was overwhelming? You keep pissing on this case, they’re gonna cut you off at the knees.
ARTHUR
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MICHAEL
I’m out there trying to cover for you! I’m telling people everything’s fine, you’re gonna be fine, everything’s cool. I’m out there running this Price- Of-Genius speech for anybody who’ll listen and I get up this morning and I
find out you’re calling this girl in Wisconsin and you’re messing with
documents and God knows what else and —
ARTHUR
How can you know that?
MICHAEL
– they’ll take everything — your
partnership, the equity —
ARTHUR
How do you know who I call?
MICHAEL
— they’ll pull your license!
ARTHUR
HOW DO YOU KNOW I CALLED ANNA?
MICHAEL
From Marty! You’re denying it?
ARTHUR
How does he know?
MICHAEL
I don’t know. I don’t give a shit.
ARTHUR stepping back. Flushed. Paranoia rising.
ARTHUR
You’re tapping my phones.
MICHAEL
(it’s to weep)
Jesus, Arthur…
ARTHUR
Explain it! Explain how Marty knows.
MICHAEL
You chased this girl through a parking lot with your dick hanging out! You
don’t think she got off the phone with you and speed-dialed her lawyer?
ARTHUR
She wouldn’t do that. I know that.
MICHAEL
Really. You think your judgement is state-of-the-art right now?
(before he can step away)
They’re putting everything on the table here. You need to stop and think this through. I will help you think this through. I will find someone to help you think his through. Don’t do this. You’re gonna make it easy for them.
ARTHUR draws himself up. We saw a glimpse of this in Milwaukee. The teeth. The shark beneath the breadloaves.
ARTHUR
I have great affection for you, Michael, and you
lead a very rich and interesting life, but you’re a bagman
not an attorney. If your intention was to have me committed,
you should’ve kept me in Wisconsin where the arrest record,
videotape, and eyewitness accounts of my inappropriate
behavior had jurisdictional relevance. I have no criminal record
in the State of New York and the crucial determining criteria
for involuntary commitment is danger: “Is the defendant a
danger to himself or others.” You think you’ve got the horses
for that? Good luck and God bless. But I’ll tell you this,
the last place you want to see me is in court.
ARTHUR muscles up his bread. He’s leaving.
MICHAEL
I’m not the enemy.
ARTHUR
Then who are you?
And he’s walking. MICHAEL almost calling after not. Then nothing. Standing on the sidewalk with a baguette in his hand and a great variety of failures arranging themselves around his heart.
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I think this scene contains the essence of both the external and internal stakes faced by our protagonist, Michael Clayton. His external battle is to get Arthur Edens under control, lest his Law Firm suffer terrible financial consequences. Arthur cuts to the chase of Michaels internal search to answer the question “who am I?” The writing in the scene is something to behold, IMHO.
What I learned: Really good scenes have a core essence important to plot or characterization. Get too many things going on in a scene, and its essence will be hard to find.
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Hello – Mark Furney here.
I’ve taken 6 or 7 ScreenwritingU classes. Keep coming back, so that tells us something.
I have a dialog heavy script. I want to see if I can elevate that dialog with the lessons from this class.
I’m looking forward to it. 🙂
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Mark Furney
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi everyone. After majoring in journalism in college and working for newspapers though high school and college, I went off to law school. I spent many years practicing trial law, both civil (on the plaintiff’s side) and criminal (mostly defense).
Litigation is a young person’s game. While it was exciting for many years, it has a downside. It can make one cynical. So I got out of it and I’ve been doing various forms of writing for about ten years.
I’ve written four features (one of which I’ll show no one, it’s that bad). I consider my space to be legal drama/thrillers. Over the years, I found that the county courthouse is a great place to observe human drama playing out in real time. I hope my writing can capture a bit of that and get it onto the page.
I’ve taken four or five ScreenwritingU classes and I’ve found them to be very helpful. The “Thriller” class is top-notch.
I’m hoping this class can help on the marketing end of things.
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My name: Mark Furney
I agree to the terms of the group release form, as follows:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.