Mary Emmick
Forum Replies Created
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JAWS — Monologue Scene
The Shark Story about USS Indianapolis
What makes this scene great from a writing perspective is how Quint’s monologue about the story of the sinking of the Indianapolis adds a frightening element to the film’s final act.
A man-eating shark has attacked and killed a tourist and these three are out in a boat to lure the shark away and kill it. This is the night before they have the final fight with the shark.
Quinn tells the foreboding gruesome tale of his shark experience where only 316 out of the 1100 that had gone in came out; the sharks got the rest.
The two fellas he’s talking to are both spell bound and terrified as Quint relates his story while they are up against a fight with a shark that could kill them any minute.
What I learned rewriting my scene is to use a strong monologue in order to deliver some deep insight that is an expression of character.
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Ironic Dialogue —In The Line of Fire
What makes this scene great from a writing perspective is ironic dialogue. Secret Service Agent Frank Horrogan must protect the President’s life from the threat against his life. After the shooter saves his life Frank gets a call from Mitch Leary (Booth).
Back story:
Leary let Frank escape. Frank’s dilemma: He can save the President by shooting Leary, but he will fall to his death. Frank chooses to let Leary escape to save his own life.
Interesting ironic dialogue:
Leary: “The irony is so thick you could choke on it.”
Frank: “There’s no fucking irony, Mitch.”
Mitch Leary: “Think, Frank. The same government that trained me to kill trained you to protect. Yet now you want to kill me while up on that roof I protected you. They’re gonna write books about us, Frank.”
What I learned rewriting my scene is to use ironic dialogue in my script.
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What I learned rewriting my scene is to use a stacking series of intriguing statements, one on top of the other.
The scene is an investigation into the assassination of John F. Kennedy led by Attorney Jim Garrison (Kevin Costner) questioning Chief of Special Ops, X, (Donald Sutherland).
The Chief stacks one reason upon the next as he poses a question of what was done to secure J.F.K.’s route and then explains what actually happened that ultimately made it so J.F.K. could not escape alive. Examples: Chief was deliberately sent on trip out of the country; the phones did not work; someone had told security to stand down that day, etc.
Intriguing lines:
Garrison-“I never knew Kennedy was such a danger to the establishment.”
Chief-“Why was Kennedy killed?” “Who benefited?”
“Who has the power to cover it up?”
What makes this scene great?
The constant barrage by the Chief of his theory of what did not happen and the building of suspense as he answers what should have been done to secure the safety of Kennedy. Riveting and entertaining scene using intriguing dialog and stacking intrigue.
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Mary Emmick – Character Profile in dialogue
What I learned rewriting my scene is the importance of revealing character through dialogue in my script.
What makes this scene great from a writing perspective is how through the scene the father and Molly reveal their character through dialogue. Molly meets her estranged father at a skating rink. She is in trouble with the law and her father, a therapist, wants to help her. She wants to leave, but he insists she stay.
She tells him that drugs caused her to get into crime. He tells her he knew that she knew he was cheating on his wife. She showed contempt towards him for years because of this. They reveal their problems through dialogue. Molly forgives her father. This meeting between them was therapy for her father. The reconciliation and healing between them begins.
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What I learned rewriting my scene is to use attack/counterattack in the dialogue of my scene which creates tension and reveals are used to move the story forward.
The scene opens with Martin (John Cusack) in Dr. Oatman, (Alan Arlin) his therapist’s office. Tension builds as Martin (assassin) shares how he’s doing. Dr. Oatman is scared, anxious, and doesn’t want to be Martin’s therapist. When Martin tells him, “I know where you live” Oatman is even feeling worse about the relationship. The conversation veers to a dream Martin had about a rabbit to sharing that he’s thinking about going to his 10 year H.S. reunion and seeing his old girlfriend. Dr. Oatman tells him to go to get him out of the office.
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Stacking Intrigue-Game of Thrones
Opening scene – The Wildings are dead
What makes this scene great from a writing perspective is the suspense created by stacking intrigue.
Three horseman carrying torches enter a tunnel. We hear the clomping of the horses but no other conversation. They exit from the long tunnel from what looks like a massive snow covered wall into a frozen wilderness. They enter a forest and split up. One horseman sees smoke in the distance, stealthily gets closer and discovers a group of slaughtered people. Dead, dismembered bodies are scattered all around. One girls has been pinned to a tree. The man mounts his horse and flees. From an angle above we can see the dead bodies are laid out in strange circular ritualistic pattern.
What I learned rewriting my scene is to create stacking intrigue and use images and action and through dialogue if needed. This scene had NO dialogue. Powerful, suspenseful scenes build upon stacked intrigue. We see there is something dangerous and are led through a series of these intriguing images and actions.
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Visual Reveals – BREAKING BAD
The scene opens with a pair of pants falling from the sky onto a desert road. RV runs over them. Walter White wearing nothing but a gas mask and white underwear is driving the RV. A few dead bodies are rolling around in the back seat. The RV crashes. Walter jumps out and gets sick.
Without much dialogue this scene is masterful because of the reveals:
-Walter driving in underwear keys us in that the falling pants are his.
-We question why he is speeding out of control in the RV and it’s revealed that it is an illegal drug lab.
-What has he left? A toxic chemical spill. We figure that out by his gas mask.
-Walter retrieves his gun showing he’s guilty of something and we wonder if he’ll get away.
– Sirens are heard reveal the cops are close and we wonder what will happen to him.
– Walter confesses on video- we are unsure of his fate.
What I Iearned from doing this assignment is to bring action and tension into my script using visual reveals.
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Bridesmaids – Food Poisoning Scene
What makes this scene great is how OUTRAGEOUS it is. We’ve never seen this type of comedy before with females. The scene begins with the bride and bridesmaids shopping for dresses in a posh white carpeted dress shop. Annie (Kristin Wiig) has taken them out for lunch. They have food poisening. The gals start showing signs they may be getting sick. They wait so long to admit they are actually sick. Feeling like they are going to throw up they run for the bathroom down the hall. The elegant dress shop saleswoman now wants them out and tells them to go across the street to the bathroom. One gals jumps up on the sink to relieve herself from diarrhea, while two others struggle for access to the one toilet in the bathroom. It ends with bride to be, Lillian (Maya Rudolph) who is trying on a very expensive French couture wedding gown, running out into the street toward a bathroom where she soils her dress. Annie, from a distance, watches Lillian and says, “You’re really doing it, aren’t you? You’re shitting in the street.”
What I learned from rewriting my scene is to take it to an extreme, make it outrageous, go beyond what has ever been done before. Create a scene that escalates on a gradient from normal to extreme.
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Twists – The Matrix: Interrogation of Mrs. Anderson
The scene begins with Mr. Anderson in a small cell. Three men in black suits with ties enter. A man with dark sunglasses sits down and begins interrogating him. He Tells Anderson that it seems like you’ve been living two lives and is guilty of computer crimes. He tells him that they need his help to reach Morpheus who is considered to be the most dangerous man alive. Anderson tells the interrogator, ” “I give you the finger and you give me my phone call.” The Interrogator then makes his mouth disappear, they beat him up and put a giant insect on his stomach which bevels into his navel and disappears. Twist: Mr. Anderson wakes up in his bed. The phone rings. It seems to have been a dream. Anderson is shaken and worried what will happen as he fears the government is coming for him.
What I learned rewriting my scene is to have a scene go in one direction, then have it suddenly turn in another direction. This change in direction is a twist.
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What makes this scene great from a writing perspective:
The suspense created by tension and a sense of urgency of the fishermen who are attempting to search for and harpoon a shark.
Brody is dumping a bucket of fish bait into the water when the ginormous 25-foot shark lunges toward him. Brody tells Quinn, the fisherman, “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
A phone call from Mrs. Brody, Brody’s talk about needing a bigger boat, and Hoopers insistence on photographing the shark add to the tension and delays them.
Brody, Quinn and Hooper watch as the shark circles the boat. Quinn gets his harpoon ready and orders the guys to get ready. Hooper nervously ties a barrel on shark but it swims away. They decide to stay out until the shark returns.
What I learned rewriting my scene is that it helps to create obstacles, uncertainty, and delays to the delivery of the outcome in a scene. The audience needs to wonder and worry about the outcome. This is what creates suspense.
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Protag/Antag Relationship scene – The Dark Knight
This scene opens with Batman interrogating the Joker to find out where he is hiding D.A. Dent and Batman’s fiance. The Joker mocks Batman and tells him he’ll make him break his one rule (to not kill). Batman proceeds to pound the Joker and then the Joker tells Batman he must choose which person he wants to save and gives him two different addresses.
Batman wants to save the city while the Joker wants to destroy it. The Joker tells Batman “You’re just a freak, like me.” This interrogation scene suggests that the Joker knew Batman was Bruce Wayne as he admitted they were more alike than he thought.
In my rewrite I will create physical, verbal, and mental conflict between my protag/antag from the beginning and throughout my script.
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What I learned rewriting my scene is how I need to improve the relationship between my protagonist and antagonist.
The scene begins with Batman slamming the Joker’s head and then he raises his fist high and brings it down directly on his hand when he could have crushed his skull. Batman wants to get the Joker to tell him where his friend, the District Attorney, Dent, and his bride to be are.
The interrogation scene suggests that the Joker knew Batman when he was Bruce Wayne as he admitted they were more alike than he thought.
Interesting dialog suggests a relationship between them:
Batman: You’re garbage who kills for money.
Joker: Don’t talk like one of them, you’re not. Even if you’d like to be. You’re a freak like me. They just need you right now. But as soon as they don’t they’ ll cast you out like a leper.
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What I learned from doing this assignment is that character does not have to be through dialogue; it can be revealed through action and situation.
Peter finds out he has special powers when in the cafeteria a fork sticks to his hand and his wrists then shoot out webs that stick to a food tray on another table. When Peter tugs on the web the tray hits Flash. Flash goes after him and attempts to beat Peter up, but Peter does a triple backwards flip in the air and then throws him across the room.
Peter seems to have spider-like abilities, superhuman strength, sharp senses, agility and speed. He can also see things in slow motion.
Peter is amazed with his new powers, but seems unsure how this will affect his life as an ordinary high school student. The other students are amazed and the boy he slammed hates him. Some consider him a freak.
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Chris is at a gathering with family friend’s of Rose’s parents. IN the “Meet the Neighbor’s scene, Chris wanders around the garden taking shots with his camera. The subtext is racism and objectification. The people are there to consider buying him. The white people want him for his black body. They talk to him about his “frame” and about how his black skin “being in fashion.” When asking Rose if it’s true that “it” is better referring to sex. Chris has stumbled into a white, very weird world. White supremacy can function subtly and we see a type of racism that is not so obvious. Chris is realizing that he is a specimen, and object for sale. The audience sees what racially motivated anxiety a black person feels.
When I first watched this film a few years ago, I knew I should see it many times for the layers upon layers of subtext. Subtext is what the character ultimately means. Subtest is the feeling the dialogue gives off, not the literal meaning of the dialog. Subtext is the implied, unspoken meaning of a character’s words and actions in a story. It is the implied meaning or underlying message of a story that is never stated directly. It is expressed through feeling or emotional throughline that lies beneath the text. “The lines between the lines.” “The unsaid meaning.” It is the art of saying one thing while implying another, allowing readers to uncover hidden meaning and emotions.
In my scripts I need to add subtext to my scenes to provide an extra layer of complexity to scenes and their characters.
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When Harry Met Sally / “I’ll have what she’s having” characterization scene
Sally (Meg Ryan) sure had guts to do that in front of everyone in the deli. I love how she smiles and goes back to eating as if nothing had happened. This scene is totally unexpected, unpredictable and shocks us. Nothing quite like it has ever occurred in any film. Harry’s (Billy Chrystal) face at the end of the scene seems to say,” you proved your point.” The dialog by the woman who hears Sally, “I’ll have what she’s having” is classic and memorable.
What I learned from rewriting my scene is that in a great characterization scene the character expresses who he/she is through decisions, actions, and dialogue.
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The scene opens on a beach shore after a plane has crashed. We see and hear the plane wreckage, injured people dazed and moaning for help, and chaos. A man in a suit and tie hears someone yelling for help. The man is pinned underneath the wheels of the plane. We see the man in the suit enlist help for him and they pull him out to safety. Meanwhile, a man wandering close to the plane is pulled into the running engine and it explodes. A woman yells and the man in the suit discovers she is in labor. He gets another survivor to watch the woman and call for him when her contractions are three minutes apart. This survivor asks what his name is? He replies “Jack.” We assume now that Jack must have medical knowledge and may be a doctor. The opening scene creates dramatic tension, and we want to continue watching the film to find out who he is and what happens next.
In my opening scene of my mystery/thriller I will throw the character into chaos right from the start revealing the danger she is in and how she shows her character in the midst of a dangerous attempt on her life. Show, don’t tell in my opening scene. There needs to be more of her character revealed in my opening scene… as it is now, there is an attempt on her life, but she drives away unscathed…I think too passive an opening scene.
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What I learned writing my resolution scene is the importance of adding tension to create a scene that gives a surprising, yet inevitable ending. The suspense and psychological manipulation make this scene memorable. The acting by Brad Pitt (Detective Mills) and Morgan Freeman (Detective Somerset) play on our fears by combining horror and crime.
Conflict arises as Mills realizes that Kevin Spacey (the prisoner) has indeed killed his wife and her head was in the box that Somerset had just opened moments before. Will Mills kill the prisoner? Somerset tells Mills to give him the gun or “he will win.” It is an agonizing decision, and we can’t blame Mills for finally shooting him after what this sick psychotic killer did to his wife.
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1. Insights into what makes this scene great from a writing perspective: Riveting scene to watch as lawyer and marine officer Kaffee (Tom Cruise) examines Col. Nathan Jessup, USMC (Jack Nicholson) in the courtroom. Great dialog when Jessup tells Kaffee: “You can’t handle the truth.” We think it’s over right from the start, but Kaffee isn’t done. He tells him to sit down. In the final twist, Kaffee asks Jessup, “If you gave an order that Santiago wasn’t to be touched, why would Santiago be in danger, why would it be necessary to transfer him off the base?” Then he asks Jessup if he had ordered the code red to which Jessup yells “You’re goddamn right I did!” This setup ends with payoff of Jessup arrested.
2. How will I take a scene to an extreme. When the viewer thinks an outcome will turn out a certain way and then suddenly EVERYTHING flips in just seconds, it jolts us. WE DID NOT EXPECT THIS OUTCOME. Keep the element of surprise, build tension, and then hit us with it in the third Act Climax scene.
3. What I learned from rewriting my scene…the third Act Climax scene needs to be the ultimate expression of the conflict. The entire move builds up to this scene where the protagonist and the antagonist fight it out in a battle to the death—either physically or metaphorically.
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Get Out
What makes Act 1 TP scene great: Missy hypnotizes Chris – Missy asks Chris about when his mother died. She stirs her tea, continuing to probe. He does not want to talk about it.
He can’t move…seems to be paralyzed. She has him sink into the floor…he falls into darkness…his mouth wide open. Missy tells him that “now he is in the sunken place.” She touches him on the cheek and wipes away a tear on his brokenhearted face. /We feel Chris’ terror and realize that this home is beyond creepy. This is Act 1 and we know we will be going on a chilling adventure with Chris as the movie progresses. The situation is not normal.
What makes Midpoint TP scene great: Get Out of Here Scene – Chris is introduced to some guests at a party held at his girlfriend’s home. A black guest is there talking about how he has been treated quite well as a black person. He rambles on and Chris subtly takes his phone out and starts videotaping him. The black fella’s nose starts to bleed, he gets very angry and yells at Chris, “Get Out!” He freaks out and frightens everyone. Later in the day he comes back and apologizes to everyone for his outburst. / We know that it is not only his girlfriend’s family who are weird, but all of their friends as well. Now the mystery that Chris is facing is getting stranger. What makes Act 2 TP scene great: Give me the keys scene – He asks Rose to find the keys. He wants to get away…as he knows he is in danger. He asks her again and she fishes in her purse, to no avail. Rose’s dad asks Chris, “What is your purpose in life?” Chris replies, “To find the keys.” She shows him the keys and tells him she can’t give him the keys. Rose’s sinister brother Jeremy knocks Chris down…he is falling and can see the family seeming to stare at him. They are talking about taking him somewhere. / This is a chilling scene and we know now that the entire family is out to get him including Rose. What will happen to Chris? The suspense builds.
What I learned about writing my scene: My Act 1 TP scene, Midpoint scene, and Act 2 TP scene have to increasingly build suspense. There needs to be these “no going back” twists that propel the story forward. I am just starting my thriller script and will work first to make the Act 1 TP scene include a no going back twist and do the same for the Midpoint scene and finally the Act 2 scene.
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The scene opens as one man is standing at the head of a table and asks if the defendant is guilty or not guilty. 11 men raise their hands indicating guilty; one man (Henry Fonda character) indicates the defendant is not guilty. We realize this is a jury deliberation. The setup is that there is disagreement with the decision. The Henry Fonda character thinks deciding in 5 minutes isn’t long enough to make a decision that could send this troubled 18- year- old away to die. He wants an hour. The man wearing glasses suggests that all those who think he’s guilty share why they think this is so. It’s a challenging situation as the Fonda character is outnumbered and we know we probably won’t know the ending until the last act.
From a writing perspective, what makes this scene great is that we want to know what happens next and how the decision of this one differing juror will take the story.
I looked over my opening scene in the thriller I am writing and realize I need to create an inciting incident that propels us on my character’s journey and won’t be resolved until the final act. The scene was 4 minutes 42 seconds and I think my opening scene of two pages needs to be longer.
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This scene establishes the Joker as a scary and unpredictable villain. The scene captures us and we realize who we are meeting at the beginning of the film. The bank robbers know the Joker is in charge of this operation; they don’t know that they are going to be killed. We are immersed into the actual robbery as four of the Joker’s thugs who wear clown masks and the bus driver are shot, and the bank manager is gassed when a grenade is put in his mouth. The Joker takes off his mask and reveals himself, and he gets away with the money from the bank vault. Bank manager is mob boss.
What I need to do in my opening scene is to bring the scene to life by the following: 1) Immerse the viewer into the world; 2) Include shock and unpredictability in my thriller; 3) This opening scene was about 6 minutes, and had several locations; 4) Lots of questions as we wonder who these characters are and why they are doing what they are doing; 5) Intense music and repeated drumming during shootings; 6) LOTS of action, brief dialog, twists as we realize at the end of the scene how the robbery was devised and how it succeeded as planned.
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Hi everyone. My name is Mary Emmick. I have written one script and am working on a second one. I have taken other classes from Hal and have enjoyed them. Hoping to learn more about creating great scenes. An interesting thing I did during Covid when I could focus on writing is that I wrote a book: A Year in the Garden: A Month-by-Month View into my Pacific Northwest Garden.
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GROUP RELEASE FORM
Mary Emmick
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Mary Emmick
I agree with the terms of this release form.
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This scene establishes the Joker as a scary and unpredictable villain. The scene captures our attention, and we realize who we are meeting at the beginning of the film. The bank robbers know the Joker is in charge of this operation; they don’t know that they are going to be killed. We are immersed into the actual robbery as four of the Joker’s thugs who wear clown masks and the bus driver are shot, and the bank manager of the bank is gassed when a grenade is put into his mouth. The Joker takes off his mask and reveals himself, and he gets away in the bus with the money from the bank vault. Bank manager is mob boss.
What I need to do in my opening scene is to bring the scene to life by: 1) immerse the viewer into the world; 2) include shock and unpredictability in my thriller; 3) This opening scene was about 6 minutes, and had several locations; 4) Lots of questions as we wonder who these characters are and why they are doing what they are doing; 5) Intense music during and repeated drumming during shootings; 6) Lots of action, brief dialog, twists as we realize at the end of the scene how the robbery was devised and how it succeeded as planned.
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Hello everyone! My name is Mary Emmick. I’ve written one script and have started a second one. I hope to gain insights into what makes great scenes and how to improve my existing scenes. Something unique about me: I enjoy gardening and during COVID I had time to focus, and I wrote and published a book: A Year in the Garden: A Month-by-Month View into my Pacific Northwest Garden.
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Mary Emmick
I agree to the terms of this release form.
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Mary Emmick’s Thriller Map Version 1
What I learned is how to take my thriller map and make it easier to read by rewriting as synopses, adding sluglines and numbering the scenes.
Hero:
· Katie Green, housewife and grandmother, social justice advocate
Villains:
· Olga Novikov, operative working for Igor Stepanov and the New World Order Party.
· Billionaire Cabal (consisting of President of Tajerkistan, Igor Stepanov, Aaron Stench who is oil magnate and social media owner, Gordon Grimes who is owner of international media conglomerate that owns FACT NEWS, and others in the cabal including other billionaires and members of the New World Order Party.
Red Herring Character:
· Katherine Volodka, unruly and annoying Morluvian immigrant
Trusted, but shouldn’t be:
· Olga Novikov – manager of Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center (MIAC)
· Victor Ivanova – Olga’s assistant
· Hairstylist at Katie’s salon
· Allison Hanover, new garden club member
Isn’t trusted, but should be:
· Katherine Volodka, the annoying Morluvian immigrant at the MIAC
· Gardener who whisks Katie away from the garden tour.
1. List out your structure using whatever structure you are comfortable with.
Opening – Car wash explodes after Katie has driven out of it.
Direction: Someone places a bomb on the bottom of Katie’s car in the carwash.
Twist: The bomb that was attached clumsily to the bottom of the car falls off in the carwash. After Katie drives away the carwash explodes. She is safe.
Life Threatening: Is someone trying to kill her?
Mystery: Who is it and why is she a target?
Distrust: Katie begins to distrust her world after the explosion.
Reveal: We see a blue star tattoo on the forearm of the carwash attendant as he waves her into the carwash.
Inciting Incident – Katie’s friend Natasha from the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center has been promoted from her job of manager of MIAC to a national supervisory role in Washington D.C. She has a month to prepare before she moves and starts her new job. A wonderful and competent new manager, Olga Novikov, takes over. Victor Ivanova, a charming young man is hired to be Olga’s assistant.
Misdirection: Character misdirection
The audience is directed to believe Olga to be an amazingly positive and fabulous manager of the MIAC, but in actuality is working for the NWOP and Igor Stepanov to get rid of Katie and Natasha.
Clue: Natasha Petrov is on the phone talking with her brother in Morluvia. He warns her
that he is in danger.
Story: Igor Stepanov’s goons have Antony Petrov thrown in prison in Morluvia.
Trust: Katie and Natasha are good friends. They trust each other and have worked together for several years at the MIAC. Katie will miss Natasha but is happy for her promotion.
Misdirection – Clue type: The Red Herring Character
The audience is directed to see Katerina as always annoying, loud and a bother to everyone around. Morluvian immigrant Katerina Volodka yells at other kitchen staff she works with in the kitchen and gets in fights with other immigrants. She wants more handouts than other immigrants and is always causing trouble for the workers and volunteers at the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center.
Story: Katie and Natasha are at an outdoor café. A car races towards them at high speed. The car crashes into their table overturning it injuring Natasha’s leg.
Misdirection – Clue type: Red Herring Character
Katerina is walking by their table just after the car crashes into the table.
Distrust: After this incident, Katie and Natasha believe Katerina was somehow involved with the assassination attempt at the café.
Life Threatening: Katie realizes that she and her friend Natasha may be in danger.
Distrust: Natasha has shared with Katie that her brother Antony has been put in a Tajerkistani prison by President Igor Stepanov for criticizing him and working for his overthrow. They both do not trust Stepanov.
Mystery: Could there be some connection between Antony and Natasha and Katie who are now also in danger?
Reveal: We see a small sticker on the license plate of the vehicle that has sped into them. It is a blue star next to the initials NWOP indicating affiliation with the New World Order Party.
Villain’s Plan: The villains consist of a ruthless cabal of billionaire individuals: Igor Stepanov, President of Tajerkistan who is threatened by Antony Petrov, social disrupter and critic of Stepanov; Igor’s advisors, Stan and Sergei; Aaron Stench, Oil company magnate and new owner of social media company…his goal: to control all social media and shut down the free press and the internet; Gordon Grimes, owner of FACT NEWS, an international news conglomerate that deals in propaganda which promotes the ultra-wealthy class and whose goal is control all television broadcasting worldwide; Morluvian woman, Olga Novikov, the new manager of Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center, an operative who works for Igor Stepanov; her assistant, Victor Ivanova.
Turning Point I – Jack Green (Katie’s husband) who works in security as a software engineer at UnisoftNW is working one night at home trying to fight off the attacks of hackers on the system when their power and internet goes down.
Life Threatening 1: Their power and internet go down.
Distrust: Jack and Katie do not trust that they are safe at home and know someone is targeting them.
Clue: Jack earlier had received a job offer from a social media company offering him an outrageously large salary. He is offered the job on the condition that he move immediately to California. Katie is not impressed with the new owner of the company and tells Jack not to take the offer. Katie recently deleted her account on Stench’s social media.
Villain’s Plan: Aaron Stench bought the company and most people don’t trust him and are leaving the platform. Stench want Jack away from UnisoftNW because he is one of the high- level senior software engineers who work to combat cyberattacks. Stench wants to take over the internet and shut down freedom of speech and freedom of expression. He needs to take over UnisoftNW, just like he did with the social media company he bought.
Life Threatening 2: They grab their granddaughter who they are babysitting and drive to his company and a car chase ensues.
Life Threatening 3: Two men into the Green’s house that night when they are gone. They rifle through their computer and make a mess of Jack’s office. They see the pirated Disney Dumbo video as well as a dozen other old VHS children’s tapes in the family room and take photos of them.
Clue: The police have Eastern European accents. Didn’t we see these guys earlier in a bar with Victor Ivanova?
Reveal: These are the same guys with the Eastern European accents (think Czech accents of two wild and crazy guys from Saturday Night Live skits) we saw earlier in scene at a bar with Victor Ivanova, Olga’s assistant at MIAC.
Life Threatening 4: Later that week police show up and press charges for pirating VHS movies. They are fined for 13 pirated VHS tapes at $500 a pop it comes to $6,500. They arrest Katie, handcuff her and haul her off in a black SUV to jail. As they are headed out of town, they come to a red light. Katie jumps out of the car and tries to escape. The police start shooting at her and hit several of the cars at the intersection. A police car several cars behind them sees the shooting and gets out and arrest the two. Meanwhile Jack tries to locate Katie’s whereabouts by calling all of the local jails and they have not heard of this incident.
Direction: Katie and Jack were investigated on charges of pirated VHS tapes as an excuse to grab Katie and do away with her.
Twist: They are fined for 13 pirated VHS tapes for total of $6,500…humorous twist
Mystery: Who is targeting them?
Distrust: Now Katie and Jack can’t even trust the police.
Villain’s Plan: Igor Stepanov, Aaron Stench, Gordon Grimes and the rest of the cabal are coordinating to take down UnisoftNW in the final course of action to control the internet as well as all social media, press, and television worldwide in order to control the world. Their goal: a kleptocracy.
Reveal: It is revealed that Aaron Stench was responsible for the hacking of the system and of shutting down Jack’s internet and power to their house.
Midpoint – Katie and Natasha are at an outdoor café, and a car races towards them at high speed. Someone is trying to kill them both.
Life Threatening: A car is attempting to kill them.
Mystery: Who is doing this to them? What do these people want?
Distrust: Katie and Natasha do not feel safe being out in public together.
Villain’s Plan: Because Natasha is in communication with the Morluvian resistance, the cabal fear she is a threat to their power. Katie’s husband Jack is fending off threats to take down the internet and run it deviously for the cabal’s selfish and devious ends.
Turning Point II – At hair salon, her regular stylist, Sue, has been replaced by a COVID masked woman who is NOT Sue! FACT NEWS is being loudly broadcast on the television in the salon. Katie asks the stylist to please turn it off.
Trust: Katie trusted her stylist Sue who she made an appointment with to be there.
Distrust: A different stylist who shows up to do her hair makes Katie jittery.
Life Threatening: The stylist attempts to stab Katie in the back of the neck with a pair of sharp scissors. Katie sees her pick up the scissors in the mirror.
Direction: Hairstylist is about to stab Katie.
Twist: Katie quickly swivels around in her chair and kicks the stylist to the ground and flees. First, she pours a solution of hair gel on her assailant’s face and head blinding the stylist for the time being. A car chase ensues and Katie drives away safely when a large group of political protesters who support the Justice Party cross the street when the light turns red halting the assailant’s car.
Mystery: Who is this? Why is she attempting to kill Katie?
Villain’s Plan: If Katie is killed, they can stop her support of her husband Jack and her friend Natasha.
Climax – At garden tour of Lake Washington mansion, the gardener whisks Katie away into his car; he informs her that someone is trying to kill her.
Life Threatening: Someone tries to assassinate Katie.
Mystery: Who is the gardener who whisks her away in his car?
Villain’s Plan: The cabal sends an assassin to the garden to kill Katie.
Direction: Katie is on a tour of a Lake Washington mansion garden that was coordinated by new garden club member Allison Hanover.
Trust: Katie trusts everyone in her garden club including the new member Allison who is a delightful person.
Misdirection: The Villain’s Plan.
We consider Allison Hanover, the new garden club member, a delightful addition to the club, but she is working with Aaron Stench to assassinate Katie.
Distrust: Katie distrusts this gardener. She thinks he is kidnapping her.
Misdirection: Katie believes the gardener is trying to kill her.
Twist: The gardener says nothing on the drive and drops her off at her home. Katie doesn’t get it, but is relieved.
Reveal: The gardener is actually CIA who is protecting her from being assassinated. Allison Hanover is actually working for Aaron Stench and Aaron Stench is the owner of the home. Allison planned to have Katie assassinated. We learn that Allison Hanover drops out of the garden club as she is moving back to Connecticut. We later learn she has been arrested in Connecticut.
Resolution – Disaster is averted.
Life Threatening: At the Morluvian charity and goodbye luncheon for Natasha, Katerina, the annoying Morluvian immigrant and kitchen staffer sees in the mirror Olga Novikov switching her red glass beverage glass on the table with Natasha’s glass. Katerina demands Natasha switch Olga and Natasha’s glasses back where they were when she set the table. Katerina is annoyed and won’t have it. Katerina clumsily drops a stack of plates in the room which causes an angry Olga to come to her. With Olga distracted, Natasha switches the glasses without being seen. Olga later drinks the beverage and passes out, later dying in an ambulance.
Twist: As the ambulance drives up, we see Victor Ivanova, Olga’s assistant, waiting in his car. Was he planning to drive Natasha’s dead body away? Police arrest Victor here as he is wanted as a Tajerkistan mobster.
Mystery: Who called the police to arrest Victor here?
Clue: We see a blue star on Victor Ivanova’s forearm as he waits in his SUV.
Direction: Olga was going to poison Natasha with poison in her drink.
Twist: Katerina sees this and deftly switches glasses so that Olga poisons herself by drinking it.
Clue: After a body is rolled out on a gurney and put in an ambulance, we see Victor waiting in a black SUV outside the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center. Troubled, he calls Olga on his cell phone. From his open window he hears a phone ringing on the gurney across the street. He was expecting to take Natasha’s dead body away. “Oh shit,” we hear him say. He realizes that the body is Olga, not Natasha.
Mystery: Why is Olga doing this? Is she trying to kill Natasha?
Why does Katerina even care about the glasses on the table so much?
Distrust: Katie realizes that Olga is not a friend and is out to get her friend Natasha and most likely herself.
Villain’s Plan 1: With Olga out of the picture, Natasha and Katie learn from Katerina Volodko, an undercover CIA spy posing as the insufferable Morluvian immigrant, how to break into Olga’s computer and access the passcode of the cabal that is set to take over the world.
Direction: Olga is the manager of the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance center and Katerina Volodkoa, is an annoying immigrant that spends time at the center and causes trouble. Natasha and Katie suspect that Katerina may be working to harm them.
Distrust: Natasha and Katie suspect that Katerina to not be just a troublemaker, but possibly out to get them.
Twist: Olga is actually an operative working for President Igor Stepanov and plans to kill Natasha and Katie. Katerina Volodko is a CIA spy trying to help them.
Reveal: Katerina explains to them that she had been listening on a device of Olga’s plot to poison Natasha. Katerina explains the master plan of Olga who works for Stepanov and the cabal. Katerina tells them that she is an undercover CIA spy. She shares with them that the cabal wants to take over the world and that they must expose the plan to the authorities. Katerina knows the passcode to Olga’s computer. She ushers Katie and Natasha into Olga’s office and locks the door. Katerina proceeds to break into the computer and access the passcode of the cabal that is about to take over control of the world. One of the pinned programs on the home screen is a blue star with the initials NWOP below it. She click on this.
Trust: When Katie and Natasha learn that Katerina was a CIA spy sent to help them and Olga was the NWOP operative who wanted to kill them, they realize the truth. They trust Katerina now.
Villain’s Plan: A plan to take over the world.
Direction: They expose this diabolical plan to take over the world to the president, the press, and the world.
Clue: Igor Stepanov moves his billions to a remote country in Indonesia where it is being guarded by the Acadia Group, a military contracting company.
Natasha’s brother Antony Petrrov escapes from the Tajerkistani prison with the help of CIA and leads an uprising that overthrows the corrupt government lead by President Igor Stepanov. President Igor Stepanov is taken out and Tajerkistan no longer wages war against Morluvia. Antony Petrov becomes an important advisor to the president of Morluvia. Others in the cabal are exposed as criminals: Aaron Stench’s takeover of the social media company goes to pot and he is bankrupt. He is indicted for hacking into UnisoftNW and for multiple corruption charges. Gordon Grime’s international television empire falls to the lowest ratings ever and everyone considers Gordan and his media empire a laughingstock. In the next election the Justice Party wins and democracy and freedom survive.
Direction: The cabal expects to take over the world.
Twist: By their sheer ego mania and stupidity Aaron Stench, Gordon Grimes, President Igor Stepanov and the cabal ruin any success they may have obtained and they destroy themselves.
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Mary Emmick Misdirects…When appropriate!
What I learned is that misdirection keeps the audience searching and wondering. It keeps them engaged in the mystery and keeps them on the edge of their seats.
1. Check these three to see how effectively you used misdirection.
A. The Red Herring Character. I think that Katerina the annoying and troublesome Morluvian immigrant needs to act and react as if she is hiding something, so we think she is even more devious and guilty. She could be present when Natasha and Katie are targeted by the speeding car heading toward them, walking past when she is heading into the salon and other places.
B. The Villain’s Plan. We consider Allison Hanover, the new garden club member, a delightful addition to the club, but she is working with Aaron Stench to assassinate Katie.
2. Look through your Thriller Map for a few opportunities to add in misdirection.
Character Misdirection. When the gardener whisks Katie away from the garden tour we think she is being kidnapped and this could be the end of her. In reality he is a CIA operative watching her and keeping her safe.
Olga seems to be an amazingly positive and competent new manager of the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center, but in actuality is working for NWOP and Igor Stepanov to get rid of Katie and Natasha.
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Mary Emmick Gives Great Clues!
What I learned is that clues are part of keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats. A clue could be something that feels insignificant in the, moment, but becomes more important later. A clue is anything that serves to guide or direct the audience toward the solution of a problem.
List out the three or four mysteries in your story:
Someone is trying to kill Katie Green.
· We see that the man who is at the carwash has a blue star tatoo on his forearm as he waves Katie into the carwash.
· In a later scene we see a blue star on NWOP (New World Order Party) stickers, insignia, etc.
· Katie later sees Victor Ivanova’s blue star tatoo on his arm.
Jack Green’s computer goes down and the power to their house goes out. Who is targeting them?
· The police who come to the Green’s home have Eastern European accents.
· Didn’t we see these dudes at a bar with Victor Ivanova earlier in the film?
· Jack gets an email from a social media company offering him an outrageously large salary. He is offered the job on the condition that he move immediately to California. Katie is not impressed with the owner of the social media company and tells Jack this. She recently deleted her account because Stench bought the company and most people don’t trust him and are leaving the platform. Aaron Stench, the owner of the social media company wants to get Jack away from UnisoftNW, because he is one of the high level senior engineers who works to combat cyberattacks.
· Aaron Stench wants to take over the internet and shut down freedom of speech freedom of expression.
Natasha Petrov is also being targeted. Are these the same people who are also targeting her friend Katie?
· We see Natasha Petrov on the phone talking with her brother in Morlovia. He warns her he is in danger.
· Igor Stepanov’s goons have Antony Petrov, Natasha’s brother, thrown in prison.
· Igor Stepanov moves his billions to a remote country in Africa where it is being guarded by The Acadia Group, military contractors.
· After a body is being rolled out on a gurney and put in an ambulance, we see Victor Ivanova, her assistant, waiting in a black SUV outside the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center. He calls Olga on his cell phone. From his open window he hears a phone ringing on the gurney across the street. He was expecting to take Natasha’s dead body away. What happened to the plan? “Oh, shit,” he says. Why is the body going away in an ambulance? Is this Olga or Natasha’s dead body?
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Mary Emmick’s Dramatic Reveal
What I learned is that you create demand for the reveal beforehand by building in mystery, intrigue, or suspense. The reveal must be done with dramatic impact.
Reveal #1: Someone places a bomb on the bottom of Katie’s car in the carwash. The bomb that was attached clumsily to the bottom of the car falls off in the carwash. After Katie drives away the carwash explodes. She is safe.
Reveal #2: Jack Green’s computer goes down as he is working late at night. Power goes out and he takes Katie and their granddaughter Molly with them to UnisoftNW to work and for safety! Meanwhile, two men break into their house and break into their computer and burgle their house. They find some old, copied VHS children’s tapes and confiscate them. Katie, Jack, and Molly are put up in a nearby hotel temporarily for their safety. Later it is revealed that Aaron Stench was responsible for the hacking of the system and of shutting down Jack’s internet and power to their house.
Reveal #3: After their house has been broken into police show up at the Green’s house and they accuse Katie and Jack of having pirated old 80’s VHS children’s tapes and fine them. These are the same guys with Eastern European accents (Czech accents) we saw in an earlier scene at a bar with Victor Ivanova, Olga’s assistant.
Reveal #4: Katie and Natasha are at an outdoor café, and a car races towards them at high speed. Natasha’s leg is inured. Katie notices a small sticker on the license plate that identifies the driver as affiliated with NWOP (New World Order Party).
Reveal #5: Katie enters a salon to have her hair done. A substitute stylist tells her that her regular stylist Sue is sick. No one else is in the salon. FACT NEWS is being broadcast on the television. Katie sees in the mirror the stylist is picking up a pair of sharp scissors and is about to stab her. Katie quickly swivels around in her chair and kicks the stylist to the ground and flees. She pours hair gel on her assailant’s face and head blinding the stylist for the time being. A car chase ensues and Katie drives away safely when a large group of political protesters who support the Justice Party cross the street when the light turns red halting the assailant’s car.
Reveal #6: Katie is whisked away in the gardener’s car. She thinks she is being kidnapped by those wanting to kill her. Surprisingly he says nothing but drops her off at her house. Later in the story: The gardener (who is actually CIA sent to protect Katie) shares with her that new garden member Allison Hanover set up the garden tour at the Lake Washington estate and garden and that Allison works for Aaron Stench and the estate belongs to him. Allison planned to have Katie assassinated. We learn that Allison Hanover drops out of the garden club as she is moving back to Connecticut. We later learned she was arrested.
Reveal #6: When Katie is entering the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center to attend the charity luncheon, Katherine Volodko, the annoying immigrant who does kitchen work at the center, pulls Katie aside. She tells her that Olga should not be messing with the table she just set up and to watch as Olga is switching everything around. They watch as Olga switches a green beverage glass with a blue one. Katherine pulls Natasha aside and tells her to assist Olga after Katherine clumsily drops some plates so Katie can switch the glasses back. It turns out Olga had switched her glass with Natasha’s.
Later at the luncheon, Olga passes out as she drinks the glass that she had poisoned. Natasha calls an ambulance. As the ambulance drives up, we see Victor waiting in his car. Was he planning to drive Natasha’s dead body away? Police arrest Victor as he is wanted as a member of the Tajerkistani mob.
Reveal #7 With Olga out of the picture, Natasha and Katie are ushered into Olga’s office where they immediately lock the door. Natasha reveals that she had been listening on a device of Olga’s plan to poison Natasha. Katherine breaks into Olga’s computer and begins explaining the master plan of Olga who works for President Stepanov and the cabal. Katherine tells them she is an undercover CIA spy. She shares with them that the cabal wants to take over the world and that they must expose the plan to the authorities.
Reveal #8: They expose this diabolical plan to take over the world, to the president, the press, and the world. Natasha’s brother escapes from the Tajerkistani prison with Katherine’s help. He leads an uprising that overthrows the corrupt government lead by Stepanov. Others in the cabal are exposed as criminals: Aaron Stench’s takeover of the social media company goes to pot and he is bankrupt. He is indicted for hacking into UnisoftNW and multiple corruption charges. Gordon Grime’s international television empire falls to the lowest ratings ever and everyone considers Gordon and his media empire a laughingstock. By their sheer ego mania and stupidity Aaron Stench and Gordon Grimes, President Igor Stepanov, and the cabal ruin any success they may have had. In the next election the Justice Party wins, and democracy and freedom survive. President Igor Stepanov is overthrown and indicted and Tajerkistan no longer wages war against Morluvia. Antony Petrov becomes an important advisor to the president of Morluvia.
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Mary Emmick’s Trust and Betrayal
What I learned doing this assignment is that trust is a part of the Thriller model. Trust issues are used to build emotion, intrigue, and interest into the story.
Hero:
· Katie Green
Villains:
· Olga Novikov, operative working for Igor Stepanov and the New World Order Party.
· Billionaire Cabal (consisting of President of Tajerkistan, Igor Stepanov, Aaron Stench who is oil magnate and social media owner, Gordon Grimes who is owner of international media conglomerate that owns FACT NEWS, and others in the cabal including other billionaires and members of the New World Order Party.
Red Herring Character:
· Katherine Volodka, unruly and annoying Morluvian immigrant
Trusted, but shouldn’t be:
· Olga Novikov – manager of Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center (MIAC)
· Victor Ivanova – Olga’s assistant
· Hairstylist at Katie’s salon
· Allison Hanover, new garden club member
Isn’t trusted, but should be:
· Katherine Volodka, the annoying Morluvian immigrant at the MIAC
· Gardener who whisks Katie away from the garden tour.
1. List out your structure using whatever structure you are comfortable with.
Opening – Car wash explodes after Katie has driven out of it.
Direction: Someone places a bomb on the bottom of Katie’s car in the carwash.
Twist: The bomb that was attached clumsily to the bottom of the car falls off in the carwash. After Katie drives away the carwash explodes. She is safe.
Life Threatening: Is someone trying to kill her?
Mystery: Who is it and why is she a target?
Inciting Incident – Katie’s friend Natasha from the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center (MIAC) disappears. Katie sets out to find her.
Life Threatening: Katie realizes that she and her friend Natasha are targets.
Mystery: Before Natasha’s disappearance, she told Katie that her brother Antony Petrov was imprisoned in a Tajerkistani prison by Tajerkistani President Igor Stepanov.
Villain’s Plan: The villains consist of a ruthless cabal of billionaire individuals: Igor Stepanov, President of Tajerkistan who is threatened by Antony Petrov, social disrupter and critic of Stepanov; Igor’s advisors, Stan and Sergei; Aaron Stench, Oil company magnate and new owner of social media company…his goal: to control all social media and shut down the free press and the internet; Gordon Grimes, owner of FACT NEWS, an international news conglomerate that deals in propaganda which promotes the ultra-wealthy class and whose goal is control all television broadcasting worldwide; Morluvian woman, Olga Novikov, the new manager of Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center, an operative who works for Igor Stepanov; her assistant, Victor Ivanova.
Turning Point I – Jack Green (Katie’s husband) who works in security as a software engineer at UnisoftNW is working one night at home trying to fight off the attacks of hackers on the system when their power and internet goes down.
Life Threatening 1: Their power and internet go down.
Life Threatening 2: They grab their granddaughter who they are babysitting and drive to his company and a car chase ensues.
Life Threatening 3: Someone breaks into the Green’s house that night when they are gone. They rifle through their computer and make a mess of the office. They see the pirated Disney Dumbo video as well as a few other old VHS tapes and take them.
Life Threatening 4: Later that week police show up and press charges for pirating VHS movies. They are fined for 8 pirated VHS tapes at $500 a pop it comes to $4,000.
Direction: Katie and Jack were informed on by the intruders that they had pirated old VHS children’s video tapes.
Twist: They are fined for 8 pirated VHS tapes for total of $4,000…humorous twist
Mystery: Who is targeting them?
Villain’s Plan: Igor Stepanov, Aaron Stench, Gordon Grimes and the rest of the cabal are coordinating to take down UnisoftNW in the final course of action to control the internet as well as all social media, press, and television worldwide in order to control the world. Their goal: a kleptocracy.
Midpoint – Katie and Natasha are at an outdoor café, and a car races towards them at high speed. Someone is trying to kill them both.
Life Threatening: A car is attempting to kill them.
Mystery: Who is doing this to them? What do these people want?
Villain’s Plan: Because Natasha is in communication with the Morluvian resistance, the cabal fear she is a threat to their power. Katie’s husband Jack is fending off threats to take down the internet and run it deviously for the cabal’s selfish and devious ends.
Turning Point II – At hair salon, her regular stylist Sue has been replaced by a COVID masked woman who is definitely NOT SUE!
Life Threatening: The stylist attempts to stab Katie in the back of the neck with a pair of sharp scissors. Katie sees her pick up the scissors in the mirror.
Direction: Hairstylist is about to stab Katie.
Twist: Katie quickly swivels around in her chair and kicks the stylist to the ground and flees. First she pours a solution of hair gel on her assailant’s face and head blinding the stylist for the time being. A car chase ensues and Katie drives away safely when a large group of political protesters who support the Justice Party cross the street when the light turns red halting the assailant’s car.
Mystery: Who is this?
Villain’s Plan: If Katie is killed, they can stop her support of her husband Jack and her friend Natasha.
Climax – At garden tour of Lake Washington mansion, the gardener whisks Katie away into his car; he informs her that someone is trying to kill her.
Life Threatening: Someone tries to assassinate Katie.
Mystery: Who is the gardener who whisks her away in his car?
Villain’s Plan: The cabal sends an assassin to the garden to kill Katie.
Direction: Katie is on a tour of a Lake Washington mansion garden that was coordinated by new garden club member Allison Hanover.
Twist: The gardener is actually CIA who is protecting her from being assassinated. Allison Hanover is actually working for Aaron Stench and Aaron Stench is the owner of the home.
Resolution – Disaster is averted.
Life Threatening: At the Morluvian charity luncheon Katie sees in the mirror Olga Novikov switching her beverage glass on the table with Natasha’s glass. Katie has Natasha district Olga and Katie switches glasses. Olga later drinks the beverage and passes out, later dying in an ambulance.
Direction: Olga was going to poison Natasha with poison in her drink.
Twist: Katie sees this and deftly switches glasses so that Olga poisons herself by drinking it.
Mystery: Why is Olga doing this? Is she trying to kill Natasha?
Villain’s Plan 1: With Olga out of the picture, Natasha and Katie learn from Katherine Volodko, an undercover CIA spy posing as the insufferable Morluvian immigrant, how to break into Olga’s computer and access the passcode of the cabal that is set to take over the world.
Direction: Olga is the manager of the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance center and Katherine Volodkoa, is an annoying immigrant that spends time at the center and causes trouble. Natasha and Katie suspect that Katherine may be working to harm them.
Twist: Olga is actually an operative working for President Igor Stepanov and plans to kill Natasha and Katie. Katherine Volodko is a CIA spy trying to help them.
Villain’s Plan 2: They expose this diabolical plan to take over the world to the president, the press, and the world.
Villain’s Plan 3: Natasha’s brother escapes from the Tajerkistani prison and leads an uprising that overthrows the corrupt government lead by President Igor Stepanov. Others in the cabal are exposed as criminals: Aaron Stench’s takeover of the social media company goes to pot and he is bankrupt. He is indicted for hacking into UnisoftNW and multiple corruption charges. Gordon Grime’s international television empire falls to the lowest ratings ever and everyone considers Gordan and his media empire a laughingstock. In the next election the Justice Party wins and democracy and freedom survive. President Igor Stepanov is taken out and Tajerkistan no longer wages war against Morluvia. Antony Petrov becomes an important advisor to the president of Morluvia.
Direction: The cabal expects to take over the world.
Twist: By their sheer ego mania and stupidity Aaron
Stench, Gordon Grimes, President Igor Stepanov and the cabal ruin any success
they may have obtained and they destroy themselves -
Mary Emmick’s Twists and Turns
What I learned doing this assignment is in order to keep the audience from being too comfortable, build in twists that keep them engaged. Set a direction, then shift to another direction.
1. List out your structure using whatever structure you are comfortable with.
Opening – Car wash explodes after Katie has driven out of it.
Direction: Someone places a bomb on the bottom of Katie’s car in the carwash.
Twist: The bomb that was attached clumsily to the bottom of the car falls off in the carwash. After Katie drives away the carwash explodes. She is safe.
Life Threatening: Is someone trying to kill her?
Mystery: Who is it and why is she a target?
Inciting Incident – Katie’s friend Natasha from the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center (MIAC) disappears. Katie sets out to find her.
Life Threatening: Katie realizes that she and her friend Natasha are targets.
Mystery: Before Natasha’s disappearance, she told Katie that her brother Antony Petrov was imprisoned in a Tajerkistani prison by Tajerkistani President Igor Stepanov.
Villain’s Plan: The villains consist of a ruthless cabal of billionaire individuals: Igor Stepanov, President of Tajerkistan who is threatened by Antony Petrov, social disrupter and critic of Stepanov; Igor’s advisors, Stan and Sergei; Aaron Stench, Oil company magnate and new owner of social media company…his goal: to control all social media and shut down the free press and the internet; Gordon Grimes, owner of FACT NEWS, an international news conglomerate that deals in propaganda which promotes the ultra-wealthy class and whose goal is control all television broadcasting worldwide; Morluvian woman, Olga Novikov, the new manager of Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center, an operative who works for Igor Stepanov; her assistant, Victor Ivanova.
Turning Point I – Jack Green (Katie’s husband) who works in security as a software engineer at UnisoftNW is working one night at home trying to fight off the attacks of hackers on the system when their power and internet goes down.
Life Threatening 1: Their power and internet go down.
Life Threatening 2: They grab their granddaughter who they are babysitting and drive to his company and a car chase ensues.
Life Threatening 3: Someone breaks into the Green’s house that night when they are gone. They rifle through their computer and make a mess of the office. They see the pirated Disney Dumbo video as well as a few other old VHS tapes and take them.
Life Threatening 4: Later that week police show up and press charges for pirating VHS movies. They are fined for 8 pirated VHS tapes at $500 a pop it comes to $4,000.
Direction: Katie and Jack were informed on by the intruders that they had pirated old VHS children’s video tapes.
Twist: They are fined for 8 pirated VHS tapes for total of $4,000…humorous twist
Mystery: Who is targeting them?
Villain’s Plan: Igor Stepanov, Aaron Stench, Gordon Grimes and the rest of the cabal are coordinating to take down UnisoftNW in the final course of action to control the internet as well as all social media, press, and television worldwide in order to control the world. Their goal: a kleptocracy.
Midpoint – Katie and Natasha are at an outdoor café, and a car races towards them at high speed. Someone is trying to kill them both.
Life Threatening: A car is attempting to kill them.
Mystery: Who is doing this to them? What do these people want?
Villain’s Plan: Because Natasha is in communication with the Morluvian resistance, the cabal fear she is a threat to their power. Katie’s husband Jack is fending off threats to take down the internet and run it deviously for the cabal’s selfish and devious ends.
Turning Point II – At hair salon, her regular stylist Sue has been replaced by a COVID masked woman who is definitely NOT SUE!
Life Threatening: The stylist attempts to stab Katie in the back of the neck with a pair of sharp scissors. Katie sees her pick up the scissors in the mirror.
Direction: Hairstylist is about to stab Katie.
Twist: Katie quickly swivels around in her chair and kicks the stylist to the ground and flees. First she pours a solution of hair gel on her assailant’s face and head blinding the stylist for the time being. A car chase ensues and Katie drives away safely when a large group of political protesters who support the Justice Party cross the street when the light turns red halting the assailant’s car.
Mystery: Who is this?
Villain’s Plan: If Katie is killed, they can stop her support of her husband Jack and her friend Natasha.
Climax – At garden tour of Lake Washington mansion, the gardener whisks Katie away into his car; he informs her that someone is trying to kill her.
Life Threatening: Someone tries to assassinate Katie.
Mystery: Who is the gardener who whisks her away in his car?
Villain’s Plan: The cabal sends an assassin to the garden to kill Katie.
Direction: Katie is on a tour of a Lake Washington mansion garden that was coordinated by new garden club member Allison Hanover.
Twist: The gardener is actually CIA who is protecting her from being assassinated. Allison Hanover is actually working for Aaron Stench and Aaron Stench is the owner of the home.
Resolution – Disaster is averted.
Life Threatening: At the Morluvian charity luncheon Katie sees in the mirror Olga Novikov switching her beverage glass on the table with Natasha’s glass. Katie has Natasha district Olga and Katie switches glasses. Olga later drinks the beverage and passes out, later dying in an ambulance.
Direction: Olga was going to poison Natasha with poison in her drink.
Twist: Katie sees this and deftly switches glasses so that Olga poisons herself by drinking it.
Mystery: Why is Olga doing this? Is she trying to kill Natasha?
Villain’s Plan 1: With Olga out of the picture, Natasha and Katie learn from Katherine Volodko, an undercover CIA spy posing as the insufferable Morluvian immigrant, how to break into Olga’s computer and access the passcode of the cabal that is set to take over the world.
Direction: Olga is the manager of the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance center and Katherine Volodkoa, is an annoying immigrant that spends time at the center and causes trouble. Natasha and Katie suspect that Katherine may be working to harm them.
Twist: Olga is actually an operative working for President Igor Stepanov and plans to kill Natasha and Katie. Katherine Volodko is a CIA spy trying to help them.
Villain’s Plan 2: They expose this diabolical plan to take over the world to the president, the press, and the world.
Villain’s Plan 3: Natasha’s brother escapes from the Tajerkistani prison and leads an uprising that overthrows the corrupt government lead by President Igor Stepanov. Others in the cabal are exposed as criminals: Aaron Stench’s takeover of the social media company goes to pot and he is bankrupt. He is indicted for hacking into UnisoftNW and multiple corruption charges. Gordon Grime’s international television empire falls to the lowest ratings ever and everyone considers Gordan and his media empire a laughingstock. In the next election the Justice Party wins and democracy and freedom survive. President Igor Stepanov is taken out and Tajerkistan no longer wages war against Morluvia. Antony Petrov becomes an important advisor to the president of Morluvia.
Direction: The cabal expects to take over the world.
Twist: By their sheer ego mania and stupidity Aaron Stench, Gordon Grimes, President Igor Stepanov and the cabal ruin any success they may have obtained and they destroy themselves.
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Mary Emmick’s Thriller Plot!
What I learned is that listing out the structure and filling in the gaps with Life Threatening situations, Mysteries and the Villain’s plan helps to create a compelling thriller. By the time I have done these steps, I will have a plot that works.
1. List out your structure using whatever structure you are comfortable with.
Opening – Car wash explodes after Katie has driven out of it.
Life Threatening: Is someone trying to kill her?
Mystery: Who is it and why is she a target?
Inciting Incident – Katie’s friend Natasha from the Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center (MIAC) disappears. Katie sets out to find her.
Life Threatening: Katie realizes that she and her friend Natasha are targets.
Mystery: Before Natasha’s disappearance, she told Katie that her brother Antony Petrov was imprisoned in a Tajerkistani prison by Tajerkistani President Igor Stepanov.
Villain’s Plan: The villains consist of a ruthless cabal of billionaire individuals: Igor Stepanov, President of Tajerkistan who is threatened by Antony Petrov, social disrupter and critic of Stepanov; Igor’s advisors, Stan and Sergei; Aaron Stench, Oil company magnate and new owner of social media company…his goal: to control all social media and shut down the free press and the internet; Gordon Grimes, owner of FACT NEWS, an international news conglomerate that deals in propaganda which promotes the ultra-wealthy class and whose goal is control all television broadcasting worldwide; Morluvian woman, Olga Novikov, the new manager of Morluvian Immigrant Assistance Center, an operative who works for Igor Stepanov; her assistant, Victor Ivanova.
Turning Point I – Jack Green (Katie’s husband) who works in security as a software engineer at UnisoftNW is working one night at home trying to fight off the attacks of hackers on the system when their power and internet goes down.
Life Threatening 1: Their power and internet go down.
Life Threatening 2: They grab their granddaughter who they are babysitting and drive to his company and a car chase ensues.
Life Threatening 3: Someone breaks into the Green’s house that night when they are gone. They rifle through their computer and make a mess of the office. They see the pirated Disney Dumbo video as well as a few other old VHS tapes and take them.
Life Threatening 4: Later that week police show up and press charges for pirating VHS movies. They are fined for 8 pirated VHS tapes at $500 a pop it comes to $4,000.
Mystery: Who is targeting them?
Villain’s Plan: Igor Stepanov, Aaron Stench, Gordon Grimes and the rest of the cabal are coordinating to take down UnisoftNW in the final course of action to control the internet as well as all social media, press, and television worldwide in order to control the world. Their goal: a kleptocracy.
Midpoint – Katie and Natasha are at an outdoor café, and a car races towards them at high speed. Someone is trying to kill them both.
Life Threatening: A car is attempting to kill them.
Mystery: Who is doing this to them? What do these people want?
Villain’s Plan: Because Natasha is in communication with the Morluvian resistance, the cabal fear she is a threat to their power. Katie’s husband Jack is fending off threats to take down the internet and run it deviously for the cabal’s selfish and devious ends.
Turning Point II – In lab room Katie is getting her flu shot and Covid booster.
Life Threatening: a lab technician attempts to kill her with a lethal injection.
Mystery: Who is this?
Villain’s Plan: If Katie is killed, they can stop her support of her husband Jack and her friend Natasha.
Climax – At garden tour of Lake Washington mansion, the gardener whisks Katie away into his car; he informs her that someone is trying to kill her.
Life Threatening: Someone tries to assassinate Katie.
Mystery: Who is the gardener who whisks her away in his car?
Villain’s Plan: The cabal sends an assassin to the garden to kill Katie.
Resolution – At the Morluvian charity luncheon Katie saves Natasha from being poisoned by Olga Novikov by switching glasses. Olga drinks the beverage and passes out, later dying in an ambulance. With Olga gone, Natasha and Katie are able to learn from Katherine Volodko, an undercover CIA spy posing as the insufferable Moluvian immigrant, how to break into the passcode of the cabal that is set to take over the world and they expose this plan to take over the world to the president, the press and world leaders.
Disaster is averted. Natasha’s brother escapes from the Tajerkistani prison and leads an uprising that overthrows the corrupt government led by President Igor Stepanov. Others in the cabal are exposed as criminals: Aaron Stench’s takeover of the social media company is a bust and he goes bankrupt. Gordon Grime’s international television empire falls to the lowest ratings ever and everyone considers Gordon and his media empire a laughingstock. In the next election the Justice party wins and democracy survives.
Resolution – Disaster is averted.
Life Threatening: At the Morluvian charity luncheon Katie sees in the mirror Olga Novikov switching her beverage glass on the table with Natasha’s glass. Katie has Natasha district Olga and Katie switches glasses. Olga later drinks the beverage and passes out, later dying in an ambulance.
Mystery: Why is Olga doing this? Is she trying to kill Natasha?
Villain’s Plan 1: With Olga out of the picture, Natasha and Katie learn from Katherine Volodko, an undercover CIA spy posing as the insufferable Morluvian immigrant, how to break into Olga’s computer and access the passcode of the cabal that is set to take over the world.
Villain’s Plan 2: They expose this diabolical plan to take over the world to the president, the press, and the world.
Villain’s Plan 3: Natasha’s brother escapes from the Tajerkistani prison and leads an uprising that overthrows the corrupt government lead by President Igor Stepanov. Others in the cabal are exposed as criminals: Aaron Stench’s takeover of the social media company goes to pot and he is bankrupt; Gordon Grime’s international television empire falls to the lowest ratings ever and everyone considers Gordan and his media empire a laughingstock. In the next election the Justice Party wins and democracy and freedom survive.
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Mary Emmick’s Life Threatening Sequence
What I learned is how much of a thriller consists of life-threatening situations. The Hero faces danger at every step. The job is to get the audience’s heart beating and put them on the edge of their seats. Primarily, danger comes from the Villain’s plan.
1. What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the Hero in danger?
The ruthless cabal includes Igor Stepanov, Aaron Stench, Gordon Grimes as well as international members of the billionaire class which includes corporate CEOs, oil magnates, and members of the New World Order Party. They have lower-level associates around the world who are hired to protect them and assassinate their critics.
The plan is a kleptocracy. They want to control all media and ultimately control the world.
Katie Green is in danger because she is a threat to the power players. She works for the Justice Party and for social justice causes. Her husband Jack Green is also threatened because of the security work he does for his company, UnisoftNW. Her friend Natasha Petrov is in danger as well because she is the sister of Antony Petrov, an imprisoned critic of President Igor Stepanov of Tajerkistan and is working to get him out of prison.
2. What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the villain?
· Multiple death threats listed in the Villain’s Great Plan
· Threat to her husband
· Threat to her friend Natasha and Natasha’s brother Antony who is languishing in a Tajerkistani prison
· Katie and Jack’s house is burgled
· Surveillance/Katie is being watched
· People around Katie are injured. Natasha’s leg is injured when a car crashes into them at an outdoor café.
· Hired professionals threaten to hurt Katie
· Demands that Katie, Jack and Natasha top pursuing the mystery
· Betrayal from Allison Hanover, a new member in her garden club
· Betrayal from Olga Novikov and her assistant Victor Ivanova
· CIA want the villains stopped as well
3. From the list of potential dangers choose the ones that work for this story.
(see question #2 above)
4. Sequence those dangers in order and make a list like the one I did for Basic Instinct above.
1. Film opens with a man, Antony Petrov, being thrown into a bleak Tajerkistani prison cell.
2. Unwitting housewife and social justice activist Katie Green is with her husband at home and they lose their internet connection while Jack is working on a security attack one night while working at home late. He must rush into the office. Someone is following him and a chase ensues. The police pull the other vehicle over.
3. Katie and Natasha are at an outdoor café and a car at high-speed barrels towards them. Natasha falls and her leg is injured. An ambulance is called.
4. Katie is at the car wash and as she drives away the carwash explodes.
5. Katie and Jack’s house is burgled. Police call and accuse her of copying over her 80’s children’s VHS movies that her children watched years ago.
6. Katie is at a hair salon. A different stylist shows up and tries to stab her with scissors in the neck but she turns around in time and kicks her assailant and flees the salon. A car chase ensues and Katie escapes by luck when a large group of local political protester cross the street when the light turns red.
7. Allison Hanover has connections to a garden on Lake Washington and the garden club visits the Lake Washington mansion and garden.
8. At the Moldova charity luncheon Katie sees that Natasha’s glass has been tampered with. Katie has Natasha distract Olga and deftly switches Olga’s glass with Natasha’s. Katie tells Natasha to act like she is dizzy after a few sips to make Olga think the poison is taking effect. Moments later Olga falls into her lunch plate. An ambulance is called. She later dies.
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Mary Emmick’s Mystery Sequence
What I learned is that building a mystery gradient that will keep the viewer engaged for every moment of the story is essential when creating a thriller. A mystery is anything that is kept secret or remains unexplained or unknown. While it is a mystery to us, it is a secret for the villain. The opening mystery forces the Hero into the sequence of mysteries of this movie and never will let go. As writers, our job is to design that first mystery to demand that the Hero solve it.
1. What is the big secret the villain is covering up?
A billionaire cabal wants to take over the world. The cabal is appealing world-wide through wedge issues and propaganda to control power: Immigrants are coming to take your jobs, they are coming for your guns, the Freedom Party wants to eat your babies and are cannibals. They run sham elections, kill journalists, threaten government leaders, public officials, school board members, etc. The cabal supports the New World Order Party and are close to controlling all international media including television, radio, social media and radio. They still do not control the internet which is primarily serviced by UnisoftNW, the powerful software company that Jack Green, Katie’s husband works for. They want to destroy and take control of UnisoftNW so they can have complete international control of the internet.
2. How many ways can they cover that secret? Those become the mysteries.
A barrage of internationally controlled media sites take control of most media and they spread entertaining and amusing, but untruthful information on their television, radio, internet, and social media sites. They promise the people well paying jobs but refuse to raise the minimum wage, they say they will lower taxes, get big government off their backs, appeal to a religious mass of people who believe in a traditional strong masculine leadership style.
3. The first mystery must engage the Hero into solving it.
The first mystery: Someone tries to kill Katie in the carwash. Who is it? Why are they trying to kill her?
4. Sequence the mysteries so that each one leads to the next one. Include ONE Herring Mystery if you can.
· Katie and Natasha suspect someone at Morlovan Immigration Assistance is working against them. Who could this be? They are suspicious of the cold, troublesome Morlovan immigrant Katerina Volodko, who seems to cause no end of problems for their community.
5. Create a Mystery Chain for each main mystery.
Mystery 1: Who tried to kill Katie and the car wash?
Mystery 2: Who tries to kill Katie and Natasha at the outdoor café by ramming their car into them at top speed?
Mystery 3: Who is responsible for hacking into Jack’s security log in and bringing down the system and protection for UnisoftNW?
Mystery 4: Who is Olga and why did she switch the beer glasses at the Morlovan charity luncheon?
Mystery 5: Who is Moldovan immigrant Katerina Volodko and why is she causing trouble in their community?
Mystery 6: When new garden club member Allison Hanover joins Katie’s garden club, we find she has connections to billionaire Aaron Stench’s Lake Washington mansion and gardens and invites the club on a garden tour. Who is the gardener following them?
Mystery 7: How can Natasha get her brother out of the Tajerkistan prison? If she can get him out, can he take out the corrupt Tajerkistani president, Igor Stepanov?
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Mary Emmick’s Villain Has a Great Plan!
What I learned is that when writing a thriller first start with the villain’s plan (intrigue) because it is often what the story is built around. The villain’s plan is in effect from the very beginning without the Hero or audience knowing. Hold back on sharing it until it has the most emotional impact on the Hero and the audience.
1. What is the end goal?
A kleptocracy.
The villains consist of a ruthless cabal of billionaire individuals: Igor Stepanov, president of Tajerkistan is threatened by critic and social disrupter Antony Petrov from neighboring country Morlova which Stepanov is invading. Aaron Stench owns an oil company and has recently acquired a social media company. His goal is to control the media. Gordon Grimes is owner of FACT NEWS, an international news conglomerate that deals in propaganda which promotes the ultra-wealthy class and whose goal is to control all television worldwide. Morlovan woman, Olga Novikov, is the new manager of Morlova Immigrant Assistance and is working for Igor Stepanov. Her assistant, Victor Ivanova, is a Latvian undercover agent and works as the assistant manager for Olga Novikov.
2. How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way?
The villains want to assassinate Natasha Petrov, former manager of Morlova Immigrant Assistance (MIA). Natasha is the sister of Antony Petrov languishing in a Tajerkistan prison. They want to also do away with Katie Green, our unwitting Seattle housewife and social justice activist who volunteers at MIA with Natasha to help immigrants and refugees from war torn Morlova. Katie also volunteers with the Democratic Underground Organization (DUO). Natasha wants to save her brother and her friend Katie wants to do all she can to help save Antony. Natasha and Katie join forces to get to the bottom of who is trying to kill them and why they want to ruin democracy by taking over the media. The villains also want to destroy UnisoftNW, the hi tec software company that Jack Green, Katie’s husband works for. Jack is a software engineer and works in security for this company and works to prevent unsavory computer attacks on the system. He helps Katie and Natasha start a new social media site to compete against Aaron Stench’s company. Igor Stepanov hires operatives in Seattle that will Fire Natasha Petrov from her manager position at MIA and hire Olga Novikov, who targets Natasha and Katie.
3. How can they cover it up?
By hiring Olga Novikov who can do away with Katie and Natasha, they can quickly send her packing when the job is done and hire another manager. No one will know why she was there and where she went after the two women are killed.
4. Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible.
A series of failed assassination attempts alert Katie and Natasha that their lives are in danger. Assassination attempts by Olga and her assistant Victor:
· Olga takes the place of another hairstylist at a hair salon and attempts to stab Katie
· Katie and Natasha are eating at an outdoor café and someone attempts to shoot Natasha.
· Katie is going through the carwash. We see a man attach something to the bottom of her car. She drives out. We see a black box in the carwash. Suddenly the carwash explodes and Katie and see this from here rearview mirror as her wet car pulls out as she heads home.
· At a Morlovan charity lunch, Katie sees someone tampering with Natasha’s blue beer glass. Katie sees what is happening. She has Natasha distract Olga and switches the glass with Olga’s glass which is a few places down on the table. A place card identifies Olga.
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Mary Emmick’s SOLT stacking suspense
What I learned:
Both of these films I had never watched before, because they seemed too creepy.
-This was a good exercise because going through each scene to analyze the M.I.S. is critical to learning how to write a thriller.
-SOLT relied more on character development, which I actually appreciated.
-This was a more intricate story with multiple villains (Dr. Lecter and Buffalo Bill). Each scene contains M.I.S.
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Mary Emmick’s BI Stacking Suspense
Make a list of everything you learn in the process that can help you write stronger thrillers.
Give a list of things you learned about Thrillers as you did this assignment.
· Hal’s M.I.S. chart really helps break down each scene to ensure and track M.I.S. is included in every scene.
· I noticed eerie, exciting, or thrilling music is playing that increases the suspense in many of the scenes. For instance: car chase scenes have thrilling music that increases the suspense.
· Keep the viewer wondering, confused, questioning….
· Twists and turns keep us wondering…what really happened?
· B.I. included lots of twists and intrigue that made the viewer question who was guilty.
· In most scenes action, mystery, intrigue, character MIS and stakes are powerfully used and developed.
· Even at the end of the film you’re not sure if Catherine will kill Nick.
· Each scene keeps the viewer on the edge of their seat…makes the film fly
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Mary Emmick’s World and Characters!
What I learned from doing this assignment is the importance of brainstorming “sub-worlds” that will intrigue an audience. It is important that the thrill comes from suspense stacking. In a thriller you need a hero and a villain and sometimes a red herring.
Concept and Big M.I.S. of your story
A suburban housewife and social justice advocate who works to help immigrants from war torn Morlova, is thrust into an international plot to free the prisoner who can save Morlova…and the western world.
Big Mystery: Who is trying to kill Katie Green and why?
Big Intrigue: Tajerkistan president Igor Stepanov who is aligned with an international media cabal headed by social media Aaron Stench, is trying to take over the world by controlling the media world-wide.
Big Suspense: Katie’s quest to connect the dots and uncover the plan to reveal the actors cause her to be hunted down and there is a target on her head.
WORLD: A media consolidation has taken place. Its goal is to control the world with propaganda and ultimately dominate the planet with a new world order.
HERO: Katie Green, housewife and social justice advocate
Mystery: Katie needs to help her friend Natasha get her brother out of a Tajerkistan prison, where the president of Tajerkistan is holding him.
Intrigue: Her friend Natasha has been replaced as manager of Morlova Immigrant Assistance with a sinister woman Olga Norikov.
Suspense: Who is trying to kill Katie and Natasha?
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Mary Emmick’s Big M.I.S.
What I learned doing this assignment is in order to thrill it’s necessary to stack Mystery, Intrigue, and Suspense throughout the story. I don’t need to get it perfect just yet.
Logline: A suburban housewife and social justice advocate who works to help immigrants in war torn Morlova, is thrust into an international plot to free the prisoner who can save Morlova and the western world.
1. What are the conventions of your story?
-Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Katie Green, suburban housewife and social justice advocate
-Dangerous Villain: Tajerkistan spy Olga Norikov working for brutal president Igor Stepanov and international international cabal headed by media mogul Aaron Stench.
-High Stakes: Someone is trying to kill Katie Green. Tajerkistan president Igor Stepanov and the cabal’s goal is to take over the world through propaganda and disinformation by controlling all media. Katie must connect the dots to save Western Civilization.
-Life and Death Situations: A series of murder attempts on Green and the head of the Morlov foundation, Natasha Petrov ensues. Natasha is from the country of Morlova which is being attacked by Tajerkistan.
-The story is thrilling because an unwitting hero that we can identify with tackles an international cabal set to take over the world.
2.
– Big Mystery: Who is trying to kill Katie Green?
-Big Intrigue: Tajerkistan president aligned with international media cabal is trying to take over the world by controlling the media world-wide.
– Big Suspense: Katie’s quest to connect the dots and uncover the plan to reveal the actors cause her to be hunted down and there is a target on her head.
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Day 1: The Conventions of Thrillers
All The President’s Men
Thriller Conventions
What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of Big Mystery, Big Intrigue, and Big Suspense that keeps viewers engaged and on the edge of their seats throughout a thriller.
1. Choose the film
2. Watch the movie and note the conventions of THIS story.
· Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Washington Post reporters who broke the Watergate story: Carl Bernstein played by Dustin Hoffman and Bob Woodward played by Robert Redford
· Dangerous Villain: On June 17, 1972 a security guard at the Watergate complex finds a door’s bolt taped over to prevent it from locking. He calls the police, who find and arrest five burglars in the DNC headquarters. The WA Post assigns Woodward to cover the story. He learns 5 men who possessed bugging equipment are represented by a high-priced attorney. McCord, one of the 5, identifies himself as having left the CIA & the others are also revealed to have CIA ties.
Woodward connects the burglars to E. Howard Hunt, an employee of Pres. Nixon’s White House Counsel Charles Colson, formerly of the CIA. Reporter Carl Bernstein is also assigned to cover the story with Woodward.
· Dangerous Villain: The five burglars and members of Nixon’s Administration leading to the president himself.
· High Stakes: Woodward & Bernstein’s lives are in danger because of their investigations and reporting of the Watergate burglaries.
· Life and death situations: Woodward & Bernstein connect a slush fund of hundreds of thousands of dollars to White House Chief of Staff H.R. Haldeman—the second important man in the country & to former AG John Mitchell, now head of CREEP (financing a campaign to sabotage Dem. Presidential candidates a year before the Watergate burglary).
· This movie is thrilling because Woodward secretly meets with Deep Throat who reveals that Haldemann masterminded the Watergate break in and cover-up. The layers of corruption they discover keeps coming.
3. What is the BIG Mystery, Intrigue, and Suspense of this story?
· Big Mystery: What happened at Watergate?
· Big Intrigue: Who was involved, why did they do it?
· Big Suspense: When Woodward meets Deep Throat several times in a dark parking lot. His life is in danger.
4. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction and I enjoy watching films about suspenseful investigative thrillers about real life crime.
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Hi everyone, my name is Mary.
I’ve written one script.
I am look forward to learning about writing a thriller.
I recently published a book on gardening!
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Mary Emmick
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Mary Emmick.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Mary’s Marketing Campaign
What I learned doing this assignment is that marketing campaigns can make your career provided you have great scripts.
Choice of marketing campaign to start with: #6 – Marketing to Producers
1. I will continue to elevate my writing and my pitch.
2. I will send out query letters.
3. I will start sending out QL’s and start meeting producers on my social networks.
4. I will ask for recommendations for producers on my network.
5. After this I will continue to take other steps provided in this lesson!
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Mary Emmick’s Query Letter Draft TWO
What I learned from doing this assignment is that query letters should be interesting, short, and well-written. Editing and finding hooks are key to writing a query letter.
Dear Producer: Title: DON’T LOOK AWAY, ISABEL
Written by: Mary Emmick
Genre: Drama/Coming-of-Age
What happens when a teenage girl from a small farm town during the time of COVID-19 discovers her fiancé and childhood sweetheart is a louse?
When Isabel sees Tyler throwing up in the bushes at her sister’s wedding reception, she begins to have second thoughts. When she visits his work and sees him kissing the receptionist IT’S OVER FOR HER!
There’s danger and high stakes when Isabel disobeys her father to save the family wheat farm in Walla Walla from a raging fire.
When a friend is pulled over by the police one night just for being black Isabel is angered by the racism in her town. I composed a song called Look Away because I saw people looking away from injustice and was inspired to write this story.
Isabel is brokenhearted and outraged when she learns that her ex-fiancé’s father, State Senator Ted Cramer, turns her friend Victor Sanchez into the sheriff for being an undocumented farm worker.
How will Isabel respond to the challenges and injustices she faces and find true love when her world is swirling in a vortex of uncertainty and upheaval?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Thank you.
Respectfully,
Mary Emmick, 3523 241<sup>st</sup> Pl SE, Sammamish, WA, 98029; marykhome@hotmail.com; 425-891-0166
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Mary Emmick’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned from doing this assignment is that query letters should be interesting, short, and well-written. Editing and finding hooks are key to writing a query letter.
Title: DON’T LOOK AWAY, ISABEL
Written by: Mary Emmick
Genre: Drama/Coming-of-Age
Dear Producer:
What happens when a teenage girl from a small farm town during the time of COVID-19 discovers her fiancé and childhood sweetheart is a louse?
When Isabel sees Tyler throwing up in the bushes at her sister’s wedding reception, she begins to have second thoughts. When she visits his work and sees him kissing the receptionist IT’S OVER FOR HER!
There’s danger and high states when Isabel disobeys her father to save the family wheat farm from a raging fire.
When a friend is pulled over by the police one night just for being black Isabel is angered by the racism in her town.
I wrote a song called Look Away because I saw people looking away from injustice. Then I turned it into a story.
Isabel is broken hearted and outraged when she learns that her ex-fiancé’s father State Senator Ted Cramer turns her friend Victor Sanchez into the sheriff for being undocumented.
How will Isabel respond to the challenges and injustices she faces and find true love when her world is swirling in a vortex of uncertainty and upheaval?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Respectfully,
Mary Emmick, 3523 241<sup>st</sup> Pl SE, Sammamish, WA, 98029; marykhome@hotmail.com; 425-891-0166
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Mary Emmick’s Target Market – Lesson 10
What I learned doing this assignment is how easy it is to do research to generate a list of potential buyers for my script. It’s important to target buyers based on genre, budget, connections to talent, etc. that are likely candidates for my script.
Title: Don’t Look Away, Isabel
Genre: Drama/Coming-of-Age
Logline: When a teen from a small farm town realizes who her fiancé is she struggles to find meaning and true love as she is confronted with discrimination and disinformation during the time of COVID-19.
Movies similar to mine/Producers
Me Before You (2016)
· Sue Baden-Powell, Executive Producer
· John Bernard, Line Producer
· Sal Jonas MacKinlay, Line Producer
· Alison Owen, Producer
· Karen Rosenfelt, Producer
· Joan Schneider, Line Producer
· Trent Walton, Executive Producer
Everything, Everything (2017)
· Arturo del Rio, Line Producer
· Victor Ho, Executive Producer
· Elysa Koplovitz Dutton, Producer
· Leslie Morgenstein, Producer
Midnight Sun (2018)
· Erika Abe, Producer
· Devin Andre, Producer
· David Boies, Executive Producer
· Katherine S. Chang, Producer
· Jen Gatien, Producer
· Tracey Jeffrey, Producer
· James McGough, Executive Producer
· Alan Ou, Executive Producer
· John Ricklard, Producer
· Zack Schiller, Producer
· Hiroki Shirota, Executive Producer
· Katie Silberman, Producer
· Scott Speer, Executive Producer
The Edge of Seventeen (2016)
· Julie Ansell, Producer
· Oren Aviv, Executive Producer
· James Bitonti, Producer
· Amy Brooks, Producer
· Pete Corral, Executive Producer
· Brendan Ferguson, Executive Producer
· Adam Fogelson, Executive Producer
· Richard Sakai, Producer
· Cathy Schulman, Executive Producer
· Robert Simonds, Executive Producer
· Donald Tang, Executive Producer
· Lisa Walder, Associate Producer
· Zhongjun Wang, Executive Producer
· Zhonglei Wang, Executive Producer
· Jerry Ye, Executive Producer
500 Days of Summer (2009)
· Veronica Brooks, Associate Producer
· Scott Hyman, Producer
· Mason Novick, Producer
· Jessica Tuchinsky, Producer
· Mark Waters, Producer
· Steven J Wolfe, Producer
Lady Bird (2017)
· Eli Bush, Producer
· Evylyn O’Neill, Producer
· Scott Rudin, Producer
· John Sack, Producer
· Alex G. Scott, Producer
· Lila Yacoub, Executive Producer
Some actors to play lead characters:
· Isabel Zuccotti – main actress – Talia Ryder
· Tom Zuccotti- father of Isabel – Sean Penn
· Debby Zucotti – mother of Isabel – Molly Ringwald
· Tyler Cramer – Isabel’s fiancé – young actor (18-21) someone like Ty Sheridan…although he is 25
· Senator Ted Cramer – Owen Wilson
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Mary Emmick’s Phone Pitch
What I learned from this lesson is that you must select the right companies to call and lead with your best.
Lead with credibility and a great title.
Hi, I’m Mary Emmick and I’m an author of several books. I have a Coming-of-Age/Drama called DON’T LOOK AWAY, ISABEL.
Pitch
What happens when a teenage girl from a small farm town during the time of COVID-19 discovers her fiancé and childhood sweetheart is a louse?
Isabel struggles to find meaning and true love as she is confronted with discrimination and disinformation in a family and community that doesn’t value science or critical thinking.
Q. What’s the budget range?
A. The budget range is $5M – $15M.
Q. Who do you see in the main roles? A. Isabel could be played by Tailia Ryder or Joey King. Tyler could be played by Tye Sheridan or Logan Lerman.
Q. How many pages in the script?
A. 108 pages
Q. Who else has seen this?
A. Various screenplay contests and several script consultants.
Q. Why do you think this fits our company?
A. Your film, (name film) had the same genre and budget and it was amazing. This story I wrote has wide audience appeal and is timely and connected to a major event, our current social and political climate.
Q. How does the movie end?
A. Don’t look away is a theme that runs through the film. Her history teacher says to her, “Don’t look away from injustice, Isabel” is one example. Through trials Isabel finds meaning and happiness in this new adult world she is about to enter. The final scene shows Victor standing behind Isabel in a colorful hot air balloon floating in the sky. He says to her, “Don’t look away, Isabel.” She turns around toward him. They kiss.
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Mary Emmick’s Pitch Fetch Pitch
What I learned is the importance of giving those you pitch to the exact information they need in the order they read it. It’s important to pitch the way a producer’s brain works.
Hi, I’m Mary Emmick and I’m an author of several books. Today I have a Coming-of-Age/Drama called Don’t Look Away, Isabel.
When a teen from a small farm town realizes who her fiancé is she struggles to find meaning and love as she is confronted with discrimination and disinformation during the time of COVID-19.
QUESTIONS/ANSWERS
Q. What is the budget range?
A. The budget range is $15M – $30M.
Q. What actors do you like for the lead roles?
A. Actors for the lead roles: Isabel could be an up- and -coming actress such as Talia Ryder, Joey King, Olivia Rodrigo, Bailee Madison or Jenna Ortega. Tyler could be an actor such as Tye Sheridan, Austin Abrams, or Logan Lerman. Isabel’s mom could be Molly Ringwald. Isabel’s dad could be Sean Penn. Victor could be Taylor Zakhar Periz, Diego Tinoco, or Froy Gutierrez.
Q. What are the Acts of the story?
Act I: Isabel’s life comes apart when she breaks up with her fiancé and struggles with her parents and community who disregard science in response to a pandemic. Her heart is troubled.
Act II: Isabel is challenged to integrate her new friends and new understanding with the old ways of thinking that still surround her. Her heart is opening.
Act III: Through trials Isabel finds meaning and happiness in this new world.
Q. How does it end? (setup / payoff)
Don’t look away is a theme that runs through the film. Her history teacher says to her, “Don’t look away from injustice, Isabel” is one example. The final scene shows Victor standing behind Isabel in a colorful hot air balloon floating in the sky. He says to her, “Don’t look away, Isabel.” She turns around toward him. They kiss.
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Mary Emmick’s Query Letter
What I learned from doing this assignment is that query letters should be short and well written. Pitch like a producer – marketing first, story second.
What happens when a teenage girl from a small farm town during the time of COVID-19 discovers her fiancé and childhood sweetheart is a louse?
When Isabel sees her fiancé Tyler throwing up in the bushes at her sister’s wedding reception, she begins to have second thoughts. When she goes to his work and sees him kissing the receptionist IT’S OVER FOR HER!
There’s danger and high stakes when Isabel disobeys her father to save the family farm from a raging fire.
When a friend is pulled over by the police one night just for being black Isabel is angered by the racism in her town.
I wrote a song called Look Away because I saw people looking away from injustice. Then I turned it into a story.
Isabel is outraged when she learns that her ex-fiancé’s father, State Senator Ted Cramer, in revenge, turns her friend Victor Sanchez into the sheriff for being undocumented. He was arrested on his family’s prosperous vineyard even though the family had been in the country for several generations.
How will Isabel respond to the challenges and injustices she faces and find true love when her world is swirling in a vortex of uncertainty and upheaval?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Mary Emmick
(425) 891-0166
3523 241<sup>st</sup> Pl SE
Sammamish, WA 98029
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Mary Emmick’s Synopsis Hooks
What I learned doing this assignment is that hooks engage the reader. They make the story more interesting because every line is designed to attract the reader’s attention.
Title: DON’T LOOK AWAY, ISABEL
Written by Mary Emmick
Genre: Drama/Coming-of-Age
What happens when a teenage girl from a small farm town during the time of COVID-19 discovers her fiancé and childhood sweetheart is a louse?
When Isabel sees her fiancé throwing up in the bushes at her sister’s wedding reception, she begins to have second thoughts. When she goes to Tyler’s work and sees him kissing the receptionist IT’S OVER FOR HER!
There’s danger and high stakes when Isabel disobeys her father to save the family farm from a raging fire.
When a friend is pulled over by the police one night just for being black Isabel is angered by the racism in her town.
I wrote a song called Look Away because I saw people looking away from injustice. Then I turned it into a story.
Isabel is outraged when she learns that her ex-fiancé’s father, State Senator Ted Cramer, in revenge, turns her friend Victor Sanchez into the sheriff for being undocumented. He was arrested on his family’s prosperous vineyard even though the family had been in the country for several generations.
How will Isabel respond to the challenges and injustices she faces and find true love when her world is swirling in a vortex of uncertainty and upheaval?
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Mary Emmick’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learned doing this assignment is that Hollywood operates on very short pitches and the very best of them are one sentence hooks called “High Concepts.” Having a simple way to deliver your hook in an elevator pitch can make a chance meeting pay off in a big way.
High Concept
DON’T LOOK AWAY, ISABEL: A teenage girl from a small, farm town struggles to find meaning and love during COVID-19.
Elevator Pitch
DON’T LOOK AWAY, ISABEL: I turned a song I wrote called Look Away into a story.
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Mary Emmick’s 10 Most Interesting Things
What I learned doing this assignment is when pitching to a producer or manager include 10 most interesting things. Don’t make it a book report. Make it interesting like you are telling a friend about a great movie you just saw!
Ten Most Interesting Things
· The title, Don’t Look Away, Isabel is based on a song Isabel composes, Look Away, about how people just look away from injustice. The words “Don’t Look Away, Isabel” occur several times throughout the film. The film opens with colorful hot air balloons floating in the blue skies above the town of Walla Walla in spring over vineyards, wheat fields, the rugged Blue Mountains and the historic town. When I was visiting Walla Walla a few years ago I thought the scene from a distance was magical. The last scene ties in the hot air balloons and romance as Victor and Isabel are floating in a colorful hot air balloon and looking out at the beautiful view. Victor stands behind Isabel and says to her, “Don’t look away, Isabel.” She turns around and they kiss.
· The first action scene opens with maid of honor Isabel helping her sister Marjorie Zuccotti get ready for her wedding. When Marjorie asks for her for the glass of red wine, Isabel trips and the red wine splashes all over her sister’s white wedding gown. After a botched attempt at concealing the stain her sister sends her out to check who has arrived in the church. Isabel peeks into the church. She sees her parents and many relatives and family friends. Walking up the aisle she spots the groom’s father, Senator Ted Cramer. He has brought a date, Sally Jo Wilson. She wears a sparkly white mini suit with a plunging neckline and sports white six-inch heels. On her ebony bouffant hairstyle that features a white streak (Cruella meets a skunk look) rests a white pillbox hat with netting that resembles a bridal veil. The church music stops. All gawk as they take their seats.
· The reception is held at Rolling Hills Winery. Isabel’s fiancé Tyler Cramer, is the best man for his brother Nathan. Tyler and Isabel have been childhood sweethearts. Tyler is rude to staff worker Victor Sanchez berating him for his service and purposely bumping him. Isabel sees this but looks away. The evening ends with Tyler drinking too much and throwing up in the bushes. The groom Nathan is drinking too much and falls into the swimming pool pulling Marjorie in with him.
· We meet Isabel’s parents Tom Zuccotti, a wheat farmer and Debby. They are proud their daughter is marrying into the prominent Cramer family. Both parents refuse to get vaccinated or wear masks. Most evenings they watch conservative television news. Tom visits the Grange Farm Supply and buys Ivermectin which he believes will prevent him from getting COVID. Debby gets COVID and has to be in the hospital for three weeks.
· Tyler invites Isabel to go to a drag race with him where he races his red Camaro. He is bummed when he looks up at the bleachers and Isabel is more interested in her history book. He flirts with buxom blond Tiffany who is there with her boyfriend. Tiffany is the receptionist at his dad’s senate office. On the way home Tyler speeds and is pulled over for the violation and because he is Senator Cramer’s son is let off without penalty.
· Isabel does some volunteer letter writing and correspondence for Ted Cramer’s upcoming state senate re-election campaign. She goes to his office to bring the paperwork and opens the door to fine Tyler and Tiffany kissing. She tells him they’re through and storms out.
· Isabel’s history teacher Mrs. Amy Meyers is teaching a lesson on Civil Rights. Isabel glances up at a poster with a quote by Margaret Mead that says………
She makes friends with a black girl in her class named Jackie McCutcheon who invites her to her home for a book group where they are discussing Caste by Isabel Wilkerson.
· At a town council meeting that Isabel attends with her dad as part of a community involvement project for her history class, Ted Cramer refuses to wear a mask. Council member Maria Gonzalez insists he wear a mask as the governor has mandated mask wearing indoors. He makes a scene and refuses. Maria Gonzalez ends the meeting and it will be resumed the following evening on Zoom. After the meeting Isabel approaches Maria and compliments her on being firm with Sen. Cramer. She asks if she can volunteer with her campaign for state senate. Maria invites her to a town hall meeting where she will be speaking on farm worker rights. At the town council meeting Isabel meets Victor Sanchez who remembers her and the exchanges he had with her fiancé Tyler from the reception at Rolling Hills Winery. She tells him she is not dating him any longer. Victor is the son of Ray Sanchez, the owner of Rolling Hills Winery. Victor is finishing his last year of wine entology and viticulture studies and plans to work at the family winery. He volunteers with Maria Gonzalez’ campaign and invites Isabel to join him canvassing. She agrees. When campaigning they approach several homes. At an apartment they knock on the door and Tiffany opens it. Surprised Isabel starts talking about Maria Gonzalez and in walks Tyler who puts his arm around Tiffany. An uncomfortable encounter ensues.
· There is a fire on Zuccotti family wheat farm. All of the other local fire trucks are in use putting out nearby fires. Isabel calls Victor and he rounds up local water trucks. Tom insists they put out the fire engulfing his shed. Isabel with Victor’s support takes a gamble by grabbing the keys to the tractor with the disker attached and drives out to the burning fields and makes a fire line which stops the fire from spreading and saves the farm. Isabel is a hero.
· Because Victor turned in Tyler and Nathan Cramer for stealing a Maria Gonzalez’s campaign sign, they police have proof it was them stealing her signs all over town. To get back at them Senator Ted Cramer calls the sheriff about undocumented farm workers on the Sanchez farm. ICE is sent out and they punch and arrest Victor accusing him of being undocumented because he doesn’t have papers to show them. They take him to the Immigration Detention Center.
· Tyler shows up at Isabel’s house and wants to get back with her. He brings her chocolates and flowers. She throws them on the ground. He slaps her face. She falls to the ground. He tells her, “The wedding is on!” and walks back to his car. Her father hears the thud and comes out and helps her up.
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Mary Emmick’s What Do Managers and Producers Want?
1. How will you present yourself and your project to the producers?
I would first research who the producer is. I would greet them and chat with them and listen to elicit conversation and find connections with them.
I would talk about how my story is highly marketable, unique and has wide audience appeal and is timely and connected to a major event, our current social and political climate. (10 components of marketability)
Next, I would tell them the genre, logline and give them the broad strokes of the story including describing the main character, the setting, and the main character’s wants and obstacles. I might talk about some interesting scenes.
I would leave them with a one pager that gives a short snappy idea of my movie, the logline, genre, world/setting, short description of characters and a brief snapshot of the story. If on Zoom, I would send them the one pager.
2. How will you present yourself and your project to the managers?
I would greet them and chat with them and listen to elicit conversation and find connections with them.
I would tell them the genre, logline and give the broad strokes of the story including describing the main character, the setting, and the main character’s wants and obstacles. I might talk about some interesting scenes.
I would be willing to cooperate with the manager and make whatever changes are necessary, write and rewrite my pitch as they request, and practice until I have it down. I would be able to perform when it is time to pitch.
I would leave them with a one pager or if on Zoom send it to them.
3. What I learned today is that producers and managers are needing certain things from the writer. I need to sell producers them on the project’s value. Managers help you create a career that pays off for you and for them. You want to cooperate with your manager.
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Mary Emmick’s Marketable Components
Logline: When a teen from a small farm town realizes who her fiancé is she struggles to find meaning and true love as she is confronted with discrimination and disinformation during the time of COVID-19.
My script, Don’t Look Away, Isabel, fulfills these components: Wide audience appeal and Timely – connected to some major trend or event.
Wide audience appeal: This coming-of-age drama appeals to pre-teens, teens, and adults. People are interested in our social and political climate and are looking for ways to deal with the unpredictable times we are living through.
Timely – connected to some major trend or event: Isabel is confronted with racism in her small town and is influenced by her history teacher, a student in her class and a new boy who profoundly change her outlook and values. Her parents watch conservative television and do not want to wear masks or get vaccinated. As her eyes are opened to injustice, she realizes her fiancé is not the person she wants to make her life with, and she can no longer look away from all that is wrong with her world.
What I learned from doing this assignment is the importance of creating a business hook to command the attention and interest for agents, managers, and producers. Using the 10 components of marketability help to make the writer attractive to a producer because it increases the chance that they can get funding for the film.
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Title: Don’t Look Away, Isabel
Genre: Coming-of-Age Drama
Concept: When a teen from a small farm town realizes who her fiancé is she struggles to find meaning and love as she is confronted with discrimination and disinformation during the time of COVID-19.
The most attractive aspect of my story is the growth and transformation of the protagonist and how she strives to rise above the many challenges she faces. The story has a broad appeal that would be of interest to teens as well as adults.
Target Audience: Actor’s Production Companies
What I learned today: Now that I have written the script it’s time to take off my writer’s hat and put on my business hat.
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Mary Emmick – I agree to the terms of this release form.
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Hi Everyone!
My name is Mary Emmick. I have written one screenplay and I started another a few years ago. I hope to learn more about the industry and make connections with other writers and power players.
I recently took Hal’s Rewrite class and learned a lot from it. The Friday classes are great!
An interesting and strange thing about me: I have a twin brother and when I was born they did not know there would be a second baby. My poor dad fainted!
I am looking forward to being in this class!
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by Mary Emmick.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by
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Mary Emmick/Elevate Your Ending
What I learned doing this assignment is to look for ways to elevate the ending of a script. There are multiple ways to do this.
The first act has Isabel Zuccotti, a high school senior, dating Tyler Cramer, the son of Senator Ted Cramer. At the beginning Isabel is a bridesmaid to her sister Marjorie who is marrying Tyler’s brother Nathan Cramer. At the end of Act I, Tyler and Isabel break up.
The second act involves life during Covid-19 in a small farm town. Isabel’s dad is a wheat farmer. Her parents Tom and Debbie Zuccotti do not want to wear masks or get vaccinated. They get most of their information from conservative news. Debbie gets Covid and has to be intubated and then put on a ventilator. Isabel makes friend with a black girl in her history class named Jackie McCutcheon who invites her to her home where her mom leads a book discussion group on the book Caste. Isabel’s world is opened up and she works to understand injustice and what is important. She meets Victor Sanchez at a town meeting where Maria Gonzalez is speaking about farm worker rights. They become friends and campaign together for Maria’s campaign for state senate. Isabel has a retinal detachment of the left eye and has to have surgery. During recovery she writes a song called “Look Away,” a song about looking away from injustice.
In the third act Victor Sanchez has been taken away by ICE. He had been set up by Senator Ted Cramer because Victor reported his sons, Tyler and Nathan, to the police for stealing Maria Gonzalez’s campaign signs. Maria Gonzalez’s office was vandalized by Ted and Tyler Cramer. Maria Gonzalez makes a call to an attorney friend Carmen Martinez who works for the attorney general in Olympia. Carmen Martinez is able to free Victor from the Northwest Processing Center. Victor returns home and he reunites with Isabel.
Senator Ted Cramer is arrested for the illegal set up of Victor by ICE as well as for campaign finance violations. Tyler and Nathan are arrested for stealing Maria Gonzalez’s campaign signs and for setting explosives in her campaign office to hurt her chances and help their dad’s chances of winning. Isabel eye is improving. She gets accepted to U.W. where her friend Jackie is also going in the fall.
Final Scene: Victor and Isabel rise up in the air together in a colorful hot air balloon. They kiss.
Trouble Shooting: One thing the last scene was missing was to bring the protagonist (Isabel Zuccotti) face to face with the antagonist (Tyler Cramer). I added a short scene where Isabel walks out of Maria Gonzalez’s campaign office. A police car pulls up to the intersection. In the back seat are Tyler and Nathan. Tyler and Isabel’s eyes meet…
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Mary Emmick/Most Memorable Line
What I learned from doing this assignment is how important it is to write some memorable lines in your scripts. Actors and actresses want scripts that have these lines.
The scene I am writing is the last line:
Isabel
You opened my eyes to so much. I hope to learn more and try to make a difference.
New line:
Isabel
You really opened my eyes this year. We can’t look away from injustice.
(I thought this captured more meaning and emotion)
EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – AFTERNOON
It is a sunny mid-June afternoon. Guests are mingling outside the winery on the patio drinking wine, beverages and nibbling on appetizers. A sign near the entrance to the winery reads MARIA GONZALEZ FOR STATE SENATE.
Isabel surveys the gorgeous views of the winery with a backdrop of the vineyards in the distance. Victor is talking with Maria nearby. Isabel sees her history teacher.
ISABEL
Mrs. Andrews, great to see you here! How’s your summer going?
MRS. AMY ANDREWS
Good. Getting some needed rest and spending some time gardening. How about you?
ISABEL
Okay, but I had eye surgery a few weeks ago. It’s much better though.
MRS. AMY ANDREWS
What happened?
ISABEL
I had a retinal detachment of the left eye.
MRS. AMY ANDREWS
(takes off her glasses)
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Without these glasses I can hardly see a thing. I’ve had poor vision since I was a child.
ISABEL
I had no idea…
MRS. AMY ANDREWS
Well, good to see that you’re doing better. Glad to see you are supporting Maria’s campaign.
ISABEL
She is awesome. Victor and I have been doing some canvassing for her.
MRS. AMY ANDREWS
I have to say, you’ve come a long way this year. You see so well what is truly important.
ISABEL
You opened my eyes to so much. I hope to learn more and try to make a difference.
EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – AFTERNOON
It is a sunny mid June afternoon. Guests are mingling outside the winery on the patio drinking wine, beverages and nibbling on appetizers. A sign near the entrance to the winery reads MARIA GONZALEZ FOR STATE SENATE.
Isabel surveys the gorgeous views of the winery with a backdrop of the vineyards in the distance. Victor is talking with Maria nearby. Isabel sees her history teacher.
ISABEL
Mrs. Andrews, great to see you here! How’s your summer going?
MRS. AMY ANDREWS
Good. Getting some much needed rest and spending some time gardening. How about you?
ISABEL
Okay, but I had eye surgery a few weeks ago. It’s much better though.
MRS. AMY ANDREWS
What happened?
ISABEL
I had a retinal detachment of the left eye.
MRS. AMY ANDREWS
(takes off her glasses)
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Without these glasses I can hardly see a thing. I’ve had poor vision since I was a child.
ISABEL
I had no idea…
MRS. AMY ANDREWS
Well, good to see that you’re doing better. Glad to see you are supporting Maria’s campaign.
ISABEL
She is awesome. Victor and I have been doing some canvassing for her.
MRS. AMY ANDREWS
I have to say, you’ve come a long way this year. You see so well what is truly important.
ISABEL
You opened my eyes to so much this year. We can’t look away from injustice.
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Mary Emmick/Elevated Scene Structure
What I Learned from this assignment is that in order to provide more interest, meaning, depth, entertainment, and drama in a scene, a scene can be changed by rewriting the scene structure.
Scene before changes:
EXT. ELM STREET – MORNING
Victor and Isabel canvass for Maria Gonzalez’s Senate campaign. They carry campaign literature and carry cell phones to track information about their visits.
VICTOR
So, what are you interested in studying?
ISABEL
I’m thinking about studying history. U.W has a good history department. If I can get in there. I’d like to maybe be a history teacher. And I’m interested in music…maybe minor in music.
VICTOR
Do you play an instrument?
ISABEL
I play a little piano. In middle school I took lessons for a few years. What about you? Are you going to school?
VICTOR
I graduated last year from DeSales High School and am enrolled at the Enology and Viticulture School here. Next year I’ll finish up the program.
ISABEL
(smiles)
Sometime you’ll have to give me a tour of Rolling Hills Winery.
VICTOR
Next month we’re hosting a fundraiser for Maria Gonzalez’s campaign. It’ll be at Rolling Hills Winery. Interested?
ISABEL
Sure!
VICTOR
Here’s our first house. I’ll do most of the talking to begin with. Later we can take turns.
They put on their masks and walk up to a house and knock on the door.
I chose to elevate the scene structure by changing the scene structure: 1. Surprise 2. Crucible 3. Superior Position
I added a little of all three of these scene structures.
Surprise
Victor
Here’s our first house. I’ll do most of the talking to begin with. Later we can take turns.
They put on their masks and walk up to a house and knock on the door.
Victor
Hi. I’m a volunteer with Maria Gonzalez’s campaign for state senate. Maria serves on the city council and will take the time to meet, listen and act. She…
Door slams shut.
Crucible
Isabel knocks on the door of house. The door opens and Tiffany, chewing gum, stares at her.
Isabel
Hi Tiffany. I’m volunteering for Maria Gonzalez’s campaign for state senate. I’ll just leave this flier for you.
Tyler saunters in to check out who is visiting. He stares at Isabel and Victor.
Tyler
We won’t be needing this flier. My dad is going to be senator.
He takes the flier from Tiffany and hands it back to Isabel.
Isabel
Maria Gonzalez is hardworking and honest and will bring good changes to Walla Walla. There have been complaints in town…complaints that the present leadership is failing the people.
Tyler
Senator Cramer works for gun rights and personal liberties. He voted to save tax payers money by slashing $76 million from the state’s mental-health budget because the weak and mentally ill should learn to fend for themselves.
Isabel
I guess we have different priorities.
Tyler
Hands down, my dad will win. But, hey, knock yourself out campaigning for loser Maria.
Smiling, he puts his arm around Tiffany and shuts the door.
Superior Position
INT. TIFFANY’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Inside a house we see Tiffany and Tyler watching a baseball game on T.V. His arm is around her and they are snuggling together.
EXT. ELM STREEET – AFTERNOON Isabel knocks on the door of house. The door opens and Tiffany, chewing gum, stares at her.
Isabel
Hi Tiffany. I’m volunteering for Maria Gonzalez’s campaign for state senate. I’ll just leave this flier for you.
Tyler saunters in to check out who is visiting. He stares at Isabel and Victor.
Tyler
We won’t be needing this flier. My dad is going to be senator.
He takes the flier from Tiffany and hands it back to Isabel.
Isabel
Maria Gonzalez is hardworking and honest and will bring good changes to Walla Walla. There have been complaints in town, complaints that the present leadership is failing the people.
Tyler
Senator Cramer works for gun rights and personal liberties. He voted to save tax payers money by slashing $76 million from the state’s mental-health budget because the weak and mentally ill should learn to fend for themselves.
Isabel
I guess we have different priorities.
Tyler
Hands down, my dad will win. But, hey, knock yourself out campaigning for loser Maria.
Smiling, he puts his arm around Tiffany and shuts the door.
SCENE AFTER CHANGES
EXT. ELM STREET – MORNING
Victor and Isabel canvass for Maria Gonzalez’s Senate campaign. They carry campaign literature and carry cell phones to track information about their visits.
VICTOR
So, what are you interested in studying?
ISABEL
I’m thinking about studying history. U.W has a good history department. If I can get in there. I’d like to maybe be a history teacher. And I’m interested in music…maybe minor in music.
VICTOR
Do you play an instrument?
ISABEL
I play a little piano. In middle school I took lessons for a few years. What about you? Are you going to school?
VICTOR
I graduated last year from DeSales High School and am enrolled at the Enology and Viticulture School here. Next year I’ll finish up the program.
ISABEL
(smiles)
Sometime you’ll have to give me a tour of Rolling Hills Winery.
VICTOR
Next month we’re hosting a fundraiser for Maria Gonzalez’s campaign. It’ll be at Rolling Hills Winery. Interested?
ISABEL
Sure!
VICTOR
Here’s our first house. I’ll do most of the talking to begin with. You can take the next one.
They put on their masks and walk up to a house and knock on the door. The door opens.
VICTOR
Hi. We’re volunteers with Maria Gonzalez’s campaign for state senate. Maria serves on the city council and will take the time to meet, listen and act. She…
Door slams shut.
VICTOR
This occasionally happens.
They leave this house and continue down the street to an apartment building.
INT. TIFFANY’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Inside we see Tiffany and Tyler watching a baseball game on T.V. His arm is around her as they snuggle. Tyler now sports a scruffy beard.
They hear a knock on the door.
EXT. TIFFANY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Tiffany, chewing gum, opens the door and sees Isabel and Victor.
ISABEL
(surprised)
Hi Tiffany. We’re volunteering for Maria Gonzalez’s campaign for state senate. Here’s a flier about some of her background accomplishments and goals.
Tyler saunters in to check out who is visiting. He stares at Isabel and Victor.
TYLER
We won’t be needing this flier. My dad is going to win re-election.
He takes the flier from Tiffany and hands it back to Isabel.
ISABEL
Maria Gonzalez is hardworking and honest and will bring good changes to Walla Walla and the state. There have been some complaints in town, complaints that the present leadership is failing the people.
TYLER
Senator Cramer works for personal liberties and gun rights. He voted to save tax payers money by slashing $76 million from the state’s mental-health budget because the weak and mentally ill should learn to fend for themselves.
ISABEL
I guess we have different priorities.
TYLER
Hands down, my dad will win. But, hey, knock yourself out campaigning for loser Maria.
Smiling, he puts his arm around Tiffany and shuts the door.
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Mary Emmick – Day 8: Elevated Story Beats
What I learned from doing this assignment is the importance of rereading the script and the beats again and to look for dull sections that need improvement or scenes that need to be elevated. Every scene needs to entertain in some way. Don’t protect dull scenes!
Title: Don’t Look Away Isabel
Logline: A small town teen’s conservative values are challenged when she is faced with injustice and disinformation in the time of COVID-19.
Genre: Coming-of-Age Romantic Drama
Example 1:
INT. ST. PATRICK’s CHURCH – AFTERNOON
It is during the time of COVID-19 and few people are wearing masks in the church. The wedding
Ceremony takes place.
Purpose of improving this scene:
Before there was only the wedding scene. Adding to the wedding scene allowed us to be introduced to the protagonist, antagonist, and some other important characters. This scene was somewhat generic so I added these additional scenes:
INT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH – WOMEN’S DRESSING ROOM – AFTERNOON
Isabel Zuccotti is helping her sister Marjorie get dressed for her wedding. Marjorie is bossing
Isabel around and asks Isabel to peek into the church to see if her parents had arrived and if Nathan
Dad had arrived. Nathan’s dad is Senator Ted Cramer and his date Sally Jo Wilson are being
Escorted up the aisle. Sally Jo is dressed in a white sparkly mini suit with a plunging neckline and
she wears six-inch heels. Gossip ensues among the congregation.
INT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH – MEN’S DRESSING ROOM – SAME TIME
Tyler Cramer as best man helps his brother Nathan Cramer get ready for the wedding.
Example 2:
INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – FAMILY ROOM – NIGHT
After the wedding Tom, Debby and Isabel are relaxing in the family room and watching Fox News
which is saying that COVID-19 is a hoax and vaccine mandates are unnecessary. Tom and Debby
feel good that the wedding went well and that they could afford the wedding. They are grateful that Senator Ted Cramer is paying for the newlyweds’ honeymoon to Hawaii.
Purpose of improving this scene:
After the wedding the family discuss the wedding, but instead of Isabel just going to bed I decided we need to know a little more about her so included her in her bedroom.
INT. ISABEL’S BEDROOM – LATER
Isabel is in her bed reading her history book for class and then picks up Jane Eyre and reads till midnight. We hear alarm ring at 6:30 a.m. and she shuts if off. Next thing her mom is telling her it’s 8:15 and she needs to get up for church.
Example 3:
EXT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – NIGHT
Nathan and Tyler Cramer drive up to Gonzalez’s campaign office and throw rocks at the door.Purpose of improving this scene.
The scene needed more description and action of what happened.
EXT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – NIGHT
Nathan and Tyler Cramer drive up to Gonzalez’s campaign office and throw rocks at the glass door. They place the mason jar explosives in through the broken glass door of the office, run back to their car, hear the EXPLOSIONS, and then drive away laughing.
Don’t Look Away Isabel
Logline: A small town teen’s conservative values are challenged when she is faced with injustice and disinformation in the time of COVID-19.
Genre: Coming-of-Age Romantic Drama
1.AERIAL SHOT – WALLA WALLA LANDSCAPE – MID MORNING
View of colorful hot air balloons floating in the distance over the farmlands, river and town.
2. EXT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH ESTABLISHING SHOT
A brick gothic church located down town, it was dedicated in 1881.
3.INT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH – WOMEN’S DRESSING ROOM – AFTERNOON
Isabel Zuccotti is helping her sister Marjorie get dressed for her wedding. Marjorie is bossing
Isabel around and asks Isabel to peek into the church to see if her parents had arrived and if Nathan
Dad had arrived. Nathan’s dad is Senator Ted Cramer and his date Sally Jo Wilson are being
Escorted up the aisle. Sally Jo is dressed in a white sparkly mini suit with a plunging neckline and
she wears six-inch heels. Gossip ensues among the congregation.
4. INT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH – MEN’S DRESSING ROOM – SAME TIME
Tyler Cramer as best man helps his brother Nathan Cramer get ready for the wedding.
5. INT. ST. PATRICK’s CHURCH – LATER
It is during the time of COVID-19 and few people are wearing masks in the church. The wedding
Ceremony takes place.
6. EXT. ST. PATRICK’S CHURCH – STEPS – LATER
After the wedding we hear Tyler and Isabel talking about what a beautiful wedding it was and how
They would like a similar wedding in a few years. We meet Isabel’s parents, Tom and Debby
Zuccotti. A photographer snaps photos of the bride and groom and Marjorie insists the
photographer get a close up shot on her ginormous diamond ring.
7. EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – AFTERNOON
Tyler is rude to staff Victor Sanchez who brings wine out to the tables. Isabel sees his behavior,
but looks away. Except for the staff, very few of the guests wear masks.
8. INT. SENATOR CRAMER’S OFFICE – SAME TIME
Senator Ted Cramer comes late to the reception as he needs to finish some business. Sally Jo
Wilson is with him, when Tyler calls to ask if he’s coming. We see the senator write a check for
$15,000 to give Nathan for the honeymoon.
9. INT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – LATER
Senator Ted Cramer and Sally Jo chat with Tyler and Isabel at the reception and Ted asks Isabel
about her future plans, etc. She plans to attend WSU for a few years and then settle down and
marry Tyler.
10. EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – EVENING
Tyler and Isabel dance together at the wedding and talk about their own wedding plans.
11. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – FAMILY ROOM – NIGHT
After the wedding Tom, Debby and Isabel are relaxing in the family room and watching Fox News
which is saying that COVID-19 is a hoax and vaccine mandates are unnecessary. Tom and Debby
feel good that the wedding went well and that they could afford the wedding. They are grateful that Senator Ted Cramer is paying for the newlyweds’ honeymoon to Hawaii.
12. INT. ISABEL’S BEDROOM – LATER
Isabel is in her bed reading her history book for class and then picks up Jane Eyre and reads till midnight. We hear alarm ring at 6:30 a.m. and she shuts if off. Next thing her mom is telling her it’s 8:15 and she needs to get up for church.
13. INT. WALLA WALLA HIGH SCHOOL – HISTORY CLASS – DAY
Her teacher, Mrs. Amy Andrews teaches a class on the Civil Rights era. Isabel looks bored as discussion continues about inequality among some Americans.
14. HALLWAY LATER
After class Tyler asks Isabel to go with him to the drag race Saturday. She accepts. They stand in front of the library where a book fair is taking place. A black student, Jerry McCutcheon, walks out of the library wit a few books he has purchased. Tyler approaches him suspiciously and asks him if he bought the books.
15. INT. GOLDEN HARVEST DINER – MID MORNING
Tom Zuccotti who is a wheat farmer sits in a booth with farmers Sam and Russ. The talk farm business and the conversation changes to discussion of Ivermectin. Tom wants to buy some.
16. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – FAMILY ROOM – NIGHT
Tom and Debby are watching Fox News and discuss Ivermectin. Debby, an elementary teacher assistant, is irate that young children are required to wear masks at school and she plans to protest at a local school board meeting.
17. EXT. GRANGE FARM SUPPLY – MORNING
Tom purchases some Ivermectin.
18. INT. WALLA WALLA SCHOOL ADMIN BUILDING – EARLY EVENING
Debby attends school board meeting and protests mask mandates with other locals who are protesting. A ruckus occurs and the meeting needs to be postponed and held later on Zoom.
19. EXT. PARK STREET – LATER
Debby and the other protesters take their signs and march down Park Street for all passing cars to see. A reporter from the local press interviews Debby.
20. EXT. ISABEL’S HOME – MORNING
Tyler picks Isabel up in his red Camaro for the race.
21. EXT. WALLA WALLA DRAG STRIP – LATER
Isabel brings her history book and reads it on the bleachers. Tyler is annoyed Isabel is not very enthusiastic about cheering him on and he flirts with Tiffany who works as a receptionist for his dad, Senator Ted Cramer.
22. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Isabel works on her laptop at home on some letters for Senator Cramer as she volunteers for his reelection campaign for state senate.
23. INT. SENATOR TED CRAMER’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON
Isabel rings the campaign letters to Sen. Cramer’s office. She opens the office door and finds Tyler kissing Tiffany. Isabel rips up the letters and throws them on the floor. She tells Tyler, “We’re through!” and leaves slamming the door behind her.
24. INT. SENATOR TED CRAMER’S OFFICE – MORNING
Isabel returns to the senator’s office to pick up a box of her supplies. She overhears two attorneys talking with Ted about a campaign finance scandal. She tells Tiffany to tell Ted that she quits.
25.INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – LIVING ROOM – LATER
Isabel pounds the keys on the piano as she plays “Etude” by Cornelius Gurlitt and stomps up to her room and bangs shut her door.
26. KITCHEN – SAME TIME
Tom and Debby overhear this and wonder what’s wrong.
27. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Isabel is face down on her bed sobbing.
28. INT. WALLA WALLA HIGH SCHOOL – HISTORY CLASS – DAY
Mrs. Amy Andrews teaches a lesson on the Voting Rights Act of 1965. Isabel listens more intently than last week. They discuss voter suppression. Isabel asks Jackie McCutcheon, a black gal, what book is on her desk. It is Caste by Isabel Wilkerson. Jackie invites her to a book discussion her mom leads and offers Isabel the book.
29. HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER
Isabel and Tyler see each other in the hall and don’t look at each other.
30.INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – AFTERNOON
Isabel lying on her side on here bed reading Caste. Her voice read a few pages (V.O.) from the story “The Man in the Crowd,” about a famous photograph from the era of the Third Reich. All in the photo are heiling in unison to the Fuhrer except for one man who refuses to salute.
31. KITCHEN – LATER
Isabel helps her mom make dinner. Her mom shares that Marjorie and Nathan are coming for dinner the following night. Debby asks about Tyler and Isabel tells her that they are through.
32. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
Marjorie and Nathan are over for dinner. Tom asks Nathan how the job is going at the insurance company. Nathan says he is looking forward to a big raise and that they are planning to buy a new home son.
33. INT. CITY COUNCIL MEETING – EVENING
Tom attends and Isabel tags along as part of a civic engagement assignment for her history class. Senator Ted Cramer is there and refuses to wear a mask and causes a scene. City Council member Maria Gonzalez walks out of the meeting. The meeting is adjourned and rescheduled.
34. LOBBY – LATER
Isabel approaches Maria Gonzalez and tells her she supports her firm action. Maria Gonzalez is running against Ted Cramer for state senate and Isabel volunteers to help with her campaign.
35. INT. TOWNHALL MEETING – EVENING
Isabel attends meeting where Maria Gonzalez is to speak about farm worker rights. She meets Victor Gonzalez who volunteers for Gonzalez’s campaign. Victor invites her to canvass with him for the campaign.
36. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Isabel plays “Adagio’ by Daniel Steibelt on the piano and walks up the stairs dreamily to her room. She likes Victor.
37. EXT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – PATIO – AFTERNOON
Reading Caste, Isabel tries to share what the book is about to her mom who is not interested in that type of book.
38. INT. McCUTCHEON HOME – EVENING
Isabel attends book discussion at Jackie’s home. Her mom Barbara leads the discussion. Barbara works in education and rehabilitation of prisoners at Walla Walla State Prison. Jackie shares that she plans to attend U.W., then law school, and work in criminal justice reform.
39. McCUTCHEON HOME – LATER
After book discussion, Jerry, Jackie’s brother comes out of his room to say hello to the girls. He recognizes that she hangs around with Tyler Cramer. Isabel tells him they broke up and that he is a jerk. Jerry agrees.
40. EXT. ELM STREET – AFTERNOON
Victor and Isabel canvass for Maria’s campaign together. She discovers he is enrolled in the Enology and Viticulture School. He invites her to Rolling Hills Winery for a fundraising event for Maria Gonzalez. His dad owns Rolling Hills winery.
41. EXT. BARN – AFTERNOON
Nathan and Tyler Cramer attend a Proud Men’s meeting. The brothers now sport scruffy beards.
42. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Isabel eats breakfast and her dad makes a fruit smoothie for himself and Debby because she is not feeling well. He puts Ivermectin in the drinks. Isabel tells him that it is not safe and is for farm animals.
43. PARENT’S BEDROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Isabel asks how her mom is doing. Her mom tells her she feels awful and then falls asleep. Isabel takes the untouched smoothie with her to dispose of.
44. FAMILY ROOM – EVENING
Tom and Debby watch Fox News. Isabel sees her mom and tells her that they should go to the hospital because it is likely she has COVID.
45. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – EXAM ROOM – EVENING
R.N. Alonso Garcia tells them that Debby has COVID and is having difficulty breathing and will be transferred to the ICU.
46. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – LATER
Isabel calls Jackie and asks her to bring her school books because her mother has COVID and she needs to quarantine for ten days. Jackie tells her she’ll bring all of her books because there is a COVID outbreak at school and the rest of the year will be on Zoom.
47. EXT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – FRONT PORCH – AFTERNOON
Jackie brings her books and tells Isabel that graduation will be held at the drag strip.
48. KITCHEN – LATER
Tom gets a phone call from R.N. Alonso who tells him Debby will need to be intubated.
49. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – ICU UNIT – EVENING
Debby is at the hospital being intubated.
50. NURSING STATION – SAME TIME
A hospital leader gives the nurses some wipes to clean their faces before putting on the N95 masks so they can be reused.
51. HOSPITAL LOBBY – SAME TIME
An unvaxxed maskless patient coughs and refuses to wear a mask.
52. INT. SUPER 1 FOODS – DAY
Isabel is at the grocery store with her dad and suddenly she notices she can’t see out of her left eye.
53. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Isabel calls the eye doctor and makes an appointment.
54. INT. EYE DOCTOR OFFICE – MORNING
Eye doctor examines Isabel and tells her she has had a retinal detachment and will need surgery.
55. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER -OPHTHALMOLOGY EXAM ROOM – MORNING
Isabel meets with Dr. Michelle Carlson, an ophthalmologist who explains the procedure. An appointment for surgery is made.
56. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – POST OP ROOM – DAY
Surgery is finished. Isabel has a metal oval eye shield taped onto her left eye.
57. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – AFTERNOON
Isabel lies face down on her bed. She listens to audio book Caste about the local lynching tree in a southern American town.
Her sister Marjorie brings Isabel a tray with a sandwich, a pot of hot tea and some flowers that Victor sent. Isabel lacks depth perception and pour tea all over the tray. Marjorie shares her worries about socialism and communism in the country and the black lives matter threat. She shares that Nathan was passed over for a job that a Mexican got.
Isabel composes lyrics to song she writes called “Look Away.” Victor calls to chat.
58. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – EVENING
Debby is hooked up to a ventilator at the hospital.
59. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Isabel sits at the piano and plays her song “Look Away.” Her dad shares with her how difficult it has been having Debby away, but that she will soon be home.
60. EXT. WALLA WALLA DRAG STRIP – EVENING
Graduation is held at the drag strip.
INT. ZUCCOTTI CAR – SAME TIME
Tom and Debby sit in the front and Isabel and Marjorie sit in the back during graduation. They discuss the ceremony and the memory of football coach Stan Petrovich who recently died of COVID.
INT. CRAMER CAR – SAME TIME
Ted Cramer discusses his campaign strategy with Tyler and Nathan. They think up a plan to steal Maria Gonzalez’s campaign signs.
61. EXT. WALLA WALLA STREETS – DAWN
Tyler and Nathan steal Maria Gonzalez’s signs around town.
62. EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – VINEYARD
Tyler and Nathan steal a sign out near Rolling Hills Winery. Victor is up early working in the vineyard and takes a video of them in action. He calls Maria Gonzalez and alerts her to the thefts and sends a video of this to her and to the police.
63. EXT. ZUCCOTTI FIELD – MORNING
Tom is teaching Isabel how to ride the tractor with the disker attached.
64. INT. McCUTCHEON HOME – LIVING ROOM – EVENING
They meet for the book discussion and share with each other how a caste system holds everyone in a fixed place.
65. EXT. MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA – TOWN PARK – AFTERNOON, 1930 [FLASHBACK]
Barbara shares the story of how her Grandpa Henry was lynched in Mississippi after being falsely accused of arson.
66. EXT. DOWNTOWN – NIGHT
After the book discussion, Isabel follows Jackie and Jerry as they plan to meet up for burgers. A police car pulls Jerry over for being black. Isabel takes a video of the exchange.
67. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Angry at what the police did to her friends, Isabel reports the incident to the police.
68. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Isabel sits at the piano and plays and sings her song about injustice, “Look Away.”
69. EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – AFTERNOON
Isabel attends the fundraiser for Maria Gonzalez. She visits with her history teacher, Mrs. Amy Andrews. She meets Victor’s dad and mom. Maria Gonzalez gives a talk. Victor shows her around the winery and then takes her out to look at the view from the terrace. They almost kiss, but are interrupted by an employee who announces that it is time for photographs.
70. EXT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – NIGHT
Nathan and Tyler Cramer drive up to Gonzalez’s campaign office and throw rocks at the glass door. They toss their mason jar explosives into the broken glass door of the office, run back to their car, hear the EXPLOSIONS, and then drive away laughing.
71. EXT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – PATIO – AFTERNOON
Isabel sees smoke in their wheat fields. Tom calls the fire department but no truck is available because of other local fires.
72. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – SAME TIME
Isabel calls Victor who says he will round up some water trucks from local farmers he knows.
73. EXT. ZUCCOTTI FIELD – LATER
Water trucks arrive. Isabel has an idea and drives the tractor with the disker attached and makes a fire break.
A flame catches on the back of the tractor and she uses a fire extinguisher to put it out. She jumps back on the tractor and finishes the job. The water trucks also work to put out the fire and fire truck from town finally arrives and soaks the area.
74. INT. SENATOR TED CRAMER’S OFFICE – DAY
Ted meets with his sons Tyler and Nathan to discuss strategies to beat Maria Gonzalez. They want to get back at Victor who they found out turned in to the police a video of the boys stealing a campaign sign. Senator Cramer makes a call to ICE.
75. EXT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – VINEYARD – MORNING
Victor is arrested by ICE officers because they claim he does not have his paperwork. They handcuff him and drive away with him.
76. EXT. SANCHEZ HOME – LATER
The other farm workers go over to Ray Sanchez and tell him what happened to his son Victor.
77. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – ISABEL’S BEDROOM – LATER
Maria Gonzalez calls Isabel and tells her that Victor was arrested by ICE.
78. INT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – LATER
Ray and Isabel meet Maria. They discuss who might have targeted Victor. They have a hunch it was Ted Cramer and his sons.
79. INT. UNMARKED WHITE VAN – NIGHT
Victor sits in back of GEO transport vehicle.
80. EXT. NORTHWEST ICE PROCESSING CENTER – PARKING LOT – MORNING
Transport vehicle pulls up into parking lot and stops. Victor is escorted into building.
81. INT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – DAY
Maria calls a friend she knows from law school days, Carmen Martinez.
82. EXT. ZUCCOTTI FIELD – DAY
Isabel and her dad are in the wheat field. Isabel is broken hearted. Tom tells her that when he finds out who did this to Victor there will be hell to pay.
83. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – MORNING
Tom sits in a doctor office and a nurse is giving him the vaccine.
84. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – LIVING ROOM – LATER
Isabel is at the piano and she plays and sings her song, “Look Away,” Before she can finish tears stream down her face.
85. INT. MARIA GONZALEZ’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE – MORNING
Isabel and Ray meet with Maria. Her friend Carmen Martinez who works at the Attorney General’s office in Olympia has been able to have Victor released.
86. EXT. DOWNTOWN – DAY
Tom is helping place campaign signs for Gonzales around town.
87. EXT. MAIN STREET – DAY
A Greyhound bus pulls up. Victor descends the stairs and sees Isabel. They embrace.
88. INT. SENATOR TED CRAMER’S OFFICE – DAY Two police officers arrests Ted for the illegal ICE set up of Victor as well as for multiple campaign finance charges.
89. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Tyler and Nathan are being arrested.
90. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Tom is reading the Union-Bulletin newspaper and shares with Debby and Isabel the story of the Cramer’s arrests.
91. INT. PROVIDENCE ST. MARY MEDICAL CENTER – OPTHAMOLOGY EXAM ROOM – MORNING
Isabel is being examined by Dr. Michelle Carlson who tells her that her sight is improving.
92. INT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – FAMILY ROOM- AFTERNOON
Isabel receives an envelope. She opens it and reads that she has been accepted at U.W.
93. INT. ROLLING HILLS WINERY – AFTERNOON
Ray Sanchez has invited Victor, Maria Gonzales, and Isabel where he thanks Maria for helping free Victor. They promise to continue to support her campaign. Her election chances look excellent. Isabel plays her song “Look Away” for them on the piano.
94. INT. McCUTCHEON HOME – LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Isabel attends book discussion. They plan to read The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander next. They are invited to join in with Zoom from their college dorms to continue book discussions.
95. EXT. ZUCCOTTI HOME – MORNING
Victor stops by to pick up Isabel for a date. Tom thanks him for helping him put out the fire.
96. EXT. HOT AIR BALLOON PARK – LATER
Victor and Isabel rise up into the sky in a colorful hot air balloon. She is looking out at the amazing view. Victor says to her, “Don’t look away Isabel.” Smiling, she turns around. They embrace and kiss.
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Mary Emmick: Day 7: Find Your Script’s Entertainment Value
What I learned doing this assignment is the entertainment in EVERY scene and do not protect dull scenes.
SCENE SUMMARY/BEAT SHEET
Genre: Coming-of-Age Romantic Drama
Logline: A small town teen from a conservative family, struggles to find her way during the time of Covid-19.
1. (E8) We’re at Isabel Zuccotti’s older sister Marjorie’s over the top wedding where we meet her family and friends, most of them not wearing masks during the time of Covid-19. Marjorie is marrying Nathan Cramer, the son of Senator Ted Cramer (R) Walla Walla State Representative. Isabel is the maid of honor and her boyfriend Tyler Cramer, the brother of Nathan, is the best man. Senator Ted Cramer brings a date to the wedding who wears a white sparkly mini suit and white 6-inch heels.
2. (8) At the wedding reception Tyler harasses a Hispanic worker who is setting out the wine. Isabel sees her future as a traditional conservative wife and mother. She is dating Tyler Cramer and expects to settle down and eventually marry him.
3. (E7) We meet her parents: Tom Zuccotti who is a wheat farmer and Debby Zuccotti who is an elementary teacher assistant. We also meet her history teacher, Mrs. Amy Andrews. We meet a friend Jackie McCutcheon who is black and her mother Barbara McCutcheon who works in education and rehabilitation at Walla Wall State Prison. We also meet Maria Gonzalez, town council member.
4. (8) With the pandemic raging on its’ third surge, Isabel struggles amidst family and community members who refuse to wear masks or be vaccinated. Her parents and her sister get most of their news from conservative sources. Mrs. Amy Anderson teaches a lesson on the history of voting rights.
5. (9) Tyler invites Isabel to the drag races, where he will race. Sitting on the bleachers she uses the time to study for a history project. Engrossed in her book she looks up briefly and sees Tyler flirting with Tiffany after the race. The following day Isabel finds Tyler and Tiffany kissing in Senator Cramer’s office. The next day she overhears outside Ted Cramer’s office some lawyers talking to the senator about a campaign scandal. They break up.
6.(E7) In history class Jackie invites Isabel to her home for a book club where they discuss the book, Caste. She learns about racism and injustice. Jackie has been accepted at U.W. in the fall and encourages Isabel to apply.
7.(E8) Isabel and her dad attend a City Council meeting where Ted Cramer refuses to wear a mask. He causes a ruckus. City Council member Maria Gonazlez talks about how wearing masks is important, but Cramer refuses and the meeting has to be postponed.
8.(E7) At a town hall meeting to support Maria Gonzalez who is now running against Ted Cramer for state senate Isabel meets Victor Sanchez. Maria is speaking about farm worker rights. Something sparks between Isabel and Victor. He invites her to go canvassing for Maria’s campaign.
9. (E9) Tyler and Nathan Cramer grow scruffy beards and are involved in a Proud Men’s group, a far- right extremist group. They learn to make simple explosive devices.
10. (E8) Isabel’s mom Debby gets sick with Covid-19 and has to be intubated and put on a ventilator. We see her shortly after hooked up to a ventilator at the hospital.
11. (E7) Isabel loses sight in her left eye. She has a retinal detachment and must have surgery that week or risk losing sight in that eye. She has the surgery and has to have her head down for three days. While laying down she listens to Caste on an audio book. While recovering she writes a song about injustice called “Look Away” Her sister Marjorie comes to help them out. We see she is also starting to be heavily influenced by far-right views. Her husband Nathan Cramer is not doing well in his job at the insurance company, and they will not be able to buy the new house they planned on buying. Her mother is still in the hospital.
12. (E9) Early at dawn one morning Tyler and Nathan Cramer are stealing Maria Gonzalez’s signs and they also set off explosives in her office. They want to help their dad by hurting Gonzalez’s chances. It is summer now and a fire starts on Tom Zuccotti’s wheat field. Victor makes some calls to local farmers who bring water trucks to help put out the fire. Isabel jumps on a tractor with a disker attached and cuts a fire line which stops the fire from spreading. Victor is set up by Ted Cramer who calls ICE and raids the family vineyard and arrests Victor and is taken away to an immigration detention center.
13. (E8) Maria Gonzalez has a law student friend who works for the attorney general’s office in Olympia who helps get Victo released. Tom Zuccotti gets vaccinated finally and helps with Maria Gonzalez’s campaign by setting out campaign signs for her.
14. (E8) Senator Ted Cramer is arrested for campaign finance violations and for setting up Victor. His chances at reelection now are slim. Tyler and Nathan Cramer are arrested for stealing Maria Gonzalez’s signs and setting explosives in her office. Maria has an excellent chance for winning and Isabel gets into U.W. When Victor comes over to pick up Isabel for a date Tom thanks him for helping put out the fire.
15. (E9) Final Image: Victor and Isabel float away in the late summer blue skies in a hot air balloon. They kiss.
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Mary’s Character Intros
What I learned doing this assignment is to make use of the character intros to describe the characters in a big way.
The maid of honor, ISABEL ZUCCOTTI (18), is smart, reflective and fun to be with, but is not aware she’s anything special. Her lovely brown eyes smile and cheer you up when she glances your way.
The best man, TYLER CRAMER (18), is dashing and he knows it. In his eyes is an ultra-confident gleam that proclaims, “I’m here,” when he enters a room.
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Mary Emmick – Story Beats Logline: A coming-of age romantic drama about a small-town high school girl during the time of Covid-19 who is set to marry her boyfriend and embrace her family’s conservative values. A series of relationships and events jar her out of her complacency as she is faced with disinformation, racism, injustice and a new love.
I actually rewrote my previous beat sheet last night and found that some of the events were out of order, so I rewrote it. It was beneficial to do this and may not have done this without the class. I do not know how to transfer this from a word document, but I will try.
If anyone knows how to post a word document to this lesson, I would appreciate help.
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Mary Emmick Basic Structure Version 1
What I’ve learned doing this is assignment is the importance of elevating elements and brainstorming other possible ways to deliver that structural item.
Logline: A coming-of-age romantic drama about a small-town high school girl during the time of Covid-19 who is set to marry her boyfriend and embrace her family’s conservative values. A series of relationships and events jar her out of her complacency as she is faced with racism, injustice and a new love.
One page:
Isabel is at the wedding of her sister Marjorie and Nathan’s wedding. She dates Nathan’s brother Tyler Cramer. The Cramer boys’ father is Walla Walla State Senator Ted Cramer. Isabel plans to settle down and marry Tyler and live a life of conservative values.
Isabel’s father is a wheat farmer, and her mom is a teacher assistant. They relax by watching conservative television and are against vaccines and masks. Isabel is a senior at Walla Walla High School. Her history teacher Mrs. Amy Andrews introduces the class to the Civil Rights era and discrimination.
She discovers that Tyler is cheating on her and that his dad is involved in campaign finance fraud. She breaks up with him.
Isabel makes friends with Jackie, a girl in her history class who invites her to a book club her mom leads. They are reading Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents. Isabel gets to know City Council Member Maria Gonzalez who is running against Ted Cramer for State Senate. She volunteers to help with her campaign and meets a boy Victor at a Town Hall who is supporting her campaign.
Isabel’s mom gets Covid and is intubated and put on a ventilator. Shortly after Isabel suffers a detachment of the retina of her eye. During recover she writes a song.
Tyler and Nathan steal campaign signs of Maria Gonzalez and set explosives inside Maria’s campaign office to ruin her chances to win.
There is a fire on the Zuccotti wheat farm and Isabel helps put out the fire by a heroic deed. Victor is arrested on his family’s vineyard by ICE agents.
In the end Victor is freed and comes home. Senator Cramer and his boys Tyler and Nathan are arrested. Isabel gets into the UW. Victor and Isabel go on a fabulous date. They kiss.
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Mary’s Logline and One Page Synopsis
What I learned during this assignment was to simplify the synopsis and not include so many details.
Title: Don’t Look Away Isabel
Logline: A coming-of-age drama about a small- town high school girl during the time of Covid-19 who is set to marry her boyfriend and embrace her family’s conservative values. A series of events and relationships jar her out of her complacency as she is faced with racism, injustice and a new love.
Synopsis: Isabel Zuccotti is a senior at Walla Walla High School. She dates Tyler Cramer who is the younger brother of her sister’s new husband, Nathan. Senator Cramer is the boys’ father. Isabel’s father is Tom Zuccotti is a wheat farmer. Both of her parents are not vaccinated. They enjoy watching conservative media.
Isabel makes friends with Jackie McCutcheon, a black girl in her history class. Jackie invites her to come to the book club her mom leads, and they read Caste. Jackie plans to attend UW in the fall. Isabel plans to attend WSU. But she is encouraged to apply at UW by Jackie.
Isabel finds out Tyler is cheating on her when he sees him kissing a girl in Senator Cramer’s office. She breaks up with him. Isabel overhears that Ted Cramer is involved in a campaign finance scandal.
A history assignment leads Isabel to a city hall meeting where masks are required. Senator Ted Cramer is there. City Council member Maria Gonzalez asks him to wear a mask. He refuses and the meeting is postponed. Isabel talks to Gonzalez after the meeting and tells her she did the right thing. She tells Isabel that she is running for state senate against Senator Ted Cramer and Isabel wants to help with her campaign. At a town council meeting where Gonzalez is speaking about farm worker rights, she meets Victor Sanchez. He invites her to canvass for Gonzalez’ campaign and they canvass together.
Isabel’s mom Debby Zuccotti gets sick with Covid-19 ad is put on a ventilator and is intubated. Soon after this Isabel loses vision in one eye as she has suffered from a retinal detachment. During recovery she writes a song called “Look Away,” a song about looking away from injustice.
Graduation is held at the racetrack and students have to stay in their car. With summer, Isabel helps out on the farm. Tyler and Nathan steal Maria Gonzalez’s campaign signs and set off an explosive in her campaign office. The brothers grow shaggy beards and become radicalized.
A fire on Tom Zuccotti’s field occurs and Victor helps round up some local farm water trucks as the other fire trucks are already in use nearby as fires rage during a heat spell. Isabel valiantly saves the farm. Victor is arrested.
Victor is released. Isabel gets into UW. Sen. Ted Cramer and his boys are arrested. Victor and Isabel end on a fabulous date.
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Mary Emmick
I agree to the terms of this release form.
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Hi,
My name is Mary. I have written one finished first draft and a few partial scripts. I would like to get some tips on editing and polishing my screenplays. I am a retired teacher/English major and have self-published a gardening book.