[Maureen Tilyou]

Accidently Posted twice – deleted this one

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s
Show’s Mysteries for OTHERWHERE

What I learned from doing this Assignment is: Even though this is the second time I’ve taken the BW course, it’s still beyond amazing how following these assignments, the ideas just pour out of your brain. So much fun! I enjoy playing with the AI prompts as well, but am most pleased with the way my own little creative machine responds to the ‘prompts’ of doing the Assignment.

MY SHOW’S MYSTERIES:

A.
MYSTERY ONE: SHOCKING EVENT MYSTERY: The Disappearance of both the
Pirate Ship and the HMS Ship and everyone on them, including both his
parents, right in front of Nicholas’ eyes.

B.
SECRET: How could that have happened? It defies reality.

C.
INVESTIGATION:

WHO:
Nicholas’ parents and everyone on both ships are gone.

WHAT:
Disappeared in front of his eyes

WHERE:
In the middle of the Caribbean.

WHEN:
Christmas, 1689

WHY:
Unknown piece of Mystery- Withheld

HOW:
Unknown Piece of Mystery – Withheld

MYSTERY
TYPE TWO: THE ‘OVER TIME’ MYSTERY: How did Nicholas end up being
picked up my a Military Ship in 1989?

A.
COVER UP: COVER PRESENTED AS REALITY

1. COVER-UP
   ONE: Nicholas is just a child.

B.
SECRETS:

1. SECRET
   BEHIND COVER-UP: Nicholas is a genius who is destined to
   solve the mystery of Time Travel

C.
REVEALS: Over Time we learn:

1. Isaac Newton and Nicholas’ Mother were part of a Secret Society, a clandestine Rosicrucian Sect who were obsessed with
   time travel.

2. That
   Society is still functioning in the 20th Century. As
   well as a group that works against them.

Who:
Nicholas

What:
The key that opens the secret of time travel

Where:
Withheld

When:
Withheld (At some point a date emerges and it is revealed that
there is a moment in time and space when the possibility to use the
key to unlock time will open briefly)

How:
Withheld. Later revealed that this is Nicholas task to discover

Why:
For Nicholas: His mission always is to find and reunite with his
parents. For Others, the mission is to crack the mystery of Time.

It
is revealed at some point that Nicolas love of his parents’ and his
drive to find them, is itself the Power that opens the universe to
unravel Time.

OTHERWHERE
ADDITIONAL SHOCKING EVENTS/SUB-MYSTERIES/COVER UPS AND REVEALS

A.
SHOCKING EVENT 1: PIRATE ATTACK

SHOCKING
EVENT MYSTERY: Since the Pirates were paid off, why did they attack?

What
happened to Nicholas’ Mother and Father?

Where
did they end up? Are they in their original time? Or a different
time? Or are they in the same time as Nicholas, but in another
place?

Are
they still alive, or did they die in the Pirate Attack?

How
can Nicholas get back and reunite with his parents?

How,
exactly, did he travel through time? – Nicholas becomes obsessed
with this particular mystery, and devotes his life to it. He
believes solving this riddle is the only way to reunite with his
parents.

EVENT/REVEAL:
Nicholas discovers a modern Quantum Theory that, for the first time,
opens his mind to seeing a path to actually solving the mystery of
movement through time. There is hard work ahead, but finally a light
at the end of the tunnel. (Possibly PART OF CLIFFHANGER end of Season
1, along with–

CLIFFHANGER
REVEAL: We go back in time and discover Nicholas’ Mom, see how she
survived the Time Shimmer and the Pirates and made it to land. We
leave her in a precarious situation as we end Season 1. (Season
Cliffhanger, along with Nicholas’ breakthrough above.)

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

<div>HIJACK’s 5 Star Model</div>

Big Picture Hooks: Professional Corporate Negotiator on his way home to save his marriage, has to engage all his manipulative skills to get the plane safely home after it is Hijacked by ruthless criminals.

1)) Right from the beginning we bond with Sam. He is in obvious distress about something, and we want to know what and how he is going to fix it.

2) Other Characters getting on the plane are introduced. We know from the title it is about a hijacking, so we are already trying to sort out who is a potential hijacker, and who is a victim.

3) Once the hijacking starts, Sam’s approach is so unique, his choices surprise us – especially at the cliffhanger ending when he offers to help them.

4) The hijackers know exactly who and what to exploit. They know all about the pilot and the Stewardess having an affair, and they use it to get into the cockpit. Who are these people?

Empathy / Distress:

The filmmakers use the fact that we know that this plane will be hijacked, to build empathy and distress in us for all the passengers as they board the plane. We see a couple, a family with children, a desperate man is ushered through security and runs to get on a plane that he may not make it off. After take off, we begin to see the event we dread unfold. We are with Sam as he clocks the odd behavior, and becomes concerned. He goes to investigate, but before he can find anything out, the hijackers pull guns, putting everyone in danger. Anxieties and tensions build, along with our empathy.

Layers / Open Loops
-What do the hijackers want?

– Will they succeed?

– Will Sam get out of this alive?

– Will any of the passengers get out of this alive?

Inviting Obsession

You’re hooked like a fish with the character of Sam foremost, but also by the tense pacing and surprises. We want to know if all these passengers will get out of this alive, and if not- who will die? We want to know what the hijackers want, and if they will get it.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Everyone,

I’m Maureen from New York, and I’m a little late getting this Intro posted. We’re already in Mod 5! Sorry.

I’ve been taking and loving online classes here at Screenwriting U over the last couple of years. I’m loving this class. A series of awesome challenges so far.

I’ve written 13 screenplays and 1 script for a TV series. 3 scripts optioned and worked as a writer for hire on 6 screenplays and the TV script. One of the writer-for hire screenplays was produced.

Looking forward to continuing to see everybody’s work develop!

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Everyone,

I’m Maureen from New York, and I’m excited to be joining you all in this class!

I’ve been taking and loving online classes here at Screenwriting U over the last couple of years. I’m just finishing up the Pilot script for the show I developed in a previous BW class, and I’m chomping at the bit to start a new one here.

I’ve written 13 screenplays and 1 script for a TV series. 3 scripts optioned and worked as a writer for hire on 6 screenplays and the TV script. One of the writer-for hire screenplays was produced.

Here we go!

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I, Maureen Tilyou, agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Maureen Tilyou]

<div>Maureen’s Deeper Layers for ‘The Supremacy Code'</div>

<font color=”#0000ff”><font face=”Georgia, serif”><font size=”4″>MY
VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process, I will
do my very best to create a successful writing career full of love,
full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!</font></font></font>

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Helvetica, Arial”><font size=”3″>What
I learned from this lesson: You can always go deeper. </font></font></font>

<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Helvetica, Arial”><font size=”3″>
</font></font></font>

Surface Layer: A Conspiracy called Reboot is trying to consolidate world power. Daniel goes to the only people he trusts to help him stop them.

Deeper Layer: Gideon and Johanna are part of Reboot.

Major Reveal: Gideon and Johanna ask Daniel to be part of Reboot.

2d Deep Layer: Gideon has been working against Reboot for some time. He thinks that Johanna doesn’t know.

Major Reveal: Gideon reveals himself to Johanna and tries to convince her to abandon the project and help him expose them.

Influences Surface Story: Letting Daniel into their system has actually given him the means to destroy Reboot from within.

3rd Deep Layer: Daniel and Gideon had plotted to make the above happen. Daniel’s New Hack-ware inherently contains the means to bring Reboot down, but only Gideon and Daniel understand that.

4th Possible Deeper Layer: At the last minute, when Johanna remains loyal to Reboot, Gideon is unwilling to let Johanna go down with Reboot. He tries to stop Daniel. This is Gideon’s big struggle – to turn Johanna away from Reboot, or to see it through with her to the bitter end.

Hints: Gideon keeps wanting Johanna to change. Gideon drops a hint talking about love and philosophy/reason. “Sometimes love triumphs- even when it shouldn’t.”

Changes Reality: Will Gideon’s conflict change the outcome of their plan- or had Daniel already accounted for it, and built in a bypass. or a secondary channel, in case Gideon weakened…

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Character Profiles, Part 1

MY VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process, I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!

What I learned doing this assignment: The previous exercises had already given me a lot of the Profile Material. It feels good to begin to put it all together.

1. Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our
State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I’m highly motivated…

Activity: …to create engaging character profiles.

2. With each of your lead characters, first tell us the following:

Movie
Title: THE SOVEREIGNTY CODE

A. The High Concept.

When
a psychologically damaged genius invents a new mode of hacking, and
stumbles upon a plot to trick the nations of the world
into giving up their sovereignty, he pushes himself to embark on
the impossible– to somehow warn a world where no one can be
trusted, while an omnipresent network of AI hunts him down.

B. This character’s journey.

From psychologically crippled shut-in, to brave Hero who publicly
exposes a major conspiracy to consolidate world power to a few
elites.

C. Actor Attractors:

Lead
Character Name: DANIEL (Protagonist)

Why
would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

Daniel
is a unique, unexpected Hero, who overcomes deep psychological issues
when he understands what the stakes are for humanity.

What
makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the
movie?

He
is an oddball genius, thinks way ‘outside the box’, and takes unusual,
offbeat actions to stay alive, solve the
mystery, and stop an
horrific plot from succeeding.

What
are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?

When
he witnesses a murder online, instead of shutting down and
protecting himself, he continues to dig for the
truth, putting his whole life on the line.
2) When they find him, he
deserts the bunker he hasn’t left in 4 years and goes on the run-
while still digging to find out who the villains are.

3) He tries to save a Rooky Cop’s life instead of running away.

4) A recluse who goes on a world stage in the end to expose the
corruption that is trying to gain World Power.

How
is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

As
a genius recluse living in a sealed bunker. In the midst of his
obsessive compulsive paranoia, he
argues with a delivery man through the intercom when the man refuses to
spray disinfectant on the delivery boxes. Comical and Sad, he’s
in deep.

What
is this character’s emotional range?

From
an obsessive compulsive paranoid shut-in, to a brave, confident hero
who risks his life to reveal a
villainous world plot. In between is a huge range of emotions from
intense fear and disorientation, to concern over others being hurt,
to bouts of bravery followed by hiding, to a brilliant intelligence
trying to figure out what he is up against internally and externally.

What
subtext can the actor play?

In
the bunker- he tries to keep the delivery guy talking because he’s
so starved for human
contact. Outside the bunker- he as to lie about everything to almost
everyone he meets- and he’s a terrible liar.

What’s
the most interesting relationships this character has?

At
first, the most interesting relationship he has is with his devices
and his Code. After he
discovers REBOOT, his most interesting
relationship is with them. In the end, is most interesting
relationship is with his ex-Professor, Gideon.

How
is this character’s unique voice presented?

Daniel’s
unique voice is colored by his psychological issues as well as
the uniqueness of his
thinking. Pressured thinking and speech, sudden
unexpected pauses for deeper thought,
actionable habits and tics, etc- are all things the actor can enhance to bring Daniel
to life.

What
makes this character special and unique?

Everything!
Daniel is a truly different and exceptional Hero. He has to
overcome monumental
internal roadblocks to become the Hero that he does
in the end, and his intelligence and
charm come through the rest, making him
incredibly compelling.

3. Brainstorm the first 6 parts of the profile for each of your
lead characters.

DANIEL:

Role in the Story: Protagonist

Age range and Description: late 20’s to 40’s but child-like
in many ways. A psychologically damaged genius.

Core Traits:

Paranoid/Suspicious/Obsessive-Compulsive

Self Protective/Traumatized/Secretive

Inventive/Brilliant/ Resourceful.

Motivation; Want/Need:

Wants: To stop Reboot

Needs: To re-enter the world, trust again.

Wound: Death of Father, Vindictive and Insane Mother, His
betrayal of Gideon.

Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability:

ACT 1: As he hacks into computers and
cameras, he sees people in need or in danger and finds inventive ways
to help them from his keyboard. Example: A female jogger who Daniel
likes and ‘follows’ online. He likes to think that he is watching
over her on her jogs. When he sees she is about to be mugged by thugs
waiting on her usual path, he hacks into a nearby Male Athlete’s
phone and talks him into warning her from going down that path. OR
Hacks into her heart rate monitor and makes her heart-rate soar, so
she doesn’t take the steep path.

MIDPOINT: Daniel tries to save the
Rookie Cop, putting his own life in greater danger.

THROUGHOUT THE FILM: Despite the grave
danger he is in, Daniel is always aware that innocent bystanders
could be hurt, and avoids that possibility vigilantly. Is he usually
successful? Does anyone else get hurt? Die? How does Daniel respond?

Relatability: In the above ACT 1
example, he’s jealous when the Athlete gets the jogger woman’s
gratitude, and they exchange numbers.

Empathy: As soon as Daniel witnesses
the Reboot murder, his distressful situation causes us to have
empathy for him. This becomes even more intense when he has to leave
the safety of his bunker, and go on the run from Reboot, and
accelerates from there.

In ACT 1 Likability example above with
the jogger, we empathize with Daniel’s distress trying to save her
from mugging, then with his distress that he sent her into the
Athlete’s arms, then with his genuine caring about her when he tells
himself ‘ Don’t be like that, Danny. At least she’s ok.”

In the MIDPOINT Rooky Cop example above, We
empathize with Daniel’s distress at being cornered and in danger of
being killed. Then again when he becomes concerned for the Rooky cop
and risks his own safety to try to save him, and then the additional
distress of seeing that the Rookie is killed despite his effort,
followed by intense fear of what is going to happen to Daniel now if
the FBI Goon gets to the gun before he does.

CHARACTER- GIDEON

ROLE IN STORY- Mentor/Red Herring

A. The High Concept.

When
a psychologically damaged genius invents a new mode of hacking, and
stumbles upon a plot to trick the nations of the world
into giving up their sovereignty, he pushes himself to embark on
the impossible– to somehow warn a world where no one can be
trusted, while an omnipresent
network of AI hunts him down.

B. This character’s journey. Gideon goes from fence
sitting, working for Reboot and against Reboot at the same time, to
a decisive and brave whistle-blower, who risks his life to speak out
against a looming and seductive authoritarianism.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character.

What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for?

Gideon
is a warrior held in check behind the deliberative thinking of a
Scientist. He got into trouble with his temper in his early life,
turned himself around, and went on to become a preeminent scientist.
Now, he is at a new precipice of his life with 2 questions to
answer: 1) Will he let the warrior out? And 2) What principle will
that warrior serve- the principle of freedom, or the principle of ‘intelligent’ autocracy.

What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in
your story?

His
sense of humor and sense of awe for the universe. His down to earth
personality and his way of straight-talking science so it is
understandable. His character, and the depth of the choice he has to
make- to stick with his wife and Reboot to take world power ‘to do
good’, or continue to work against them in favor of humanity’s free
choice.

What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the
script?

1)
Even though Daniel betrayed him in a troubling way, he remains loyal
and caring, and does not turn him into the Reboot Cops. 2) He has
been involved with Reboot for decades, and his wife is one of their leaders, yet he now secretly works against them because he sees the
deep flaws of their plans. 3) He risks his life to help Daniel
expose Reboot before it is too late.

How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an
actor?

Teaching
a physics class. He is absolutely amazing and creative as a teacher

What could be this character’s emotional range

From
grief over the child he and Johanna lost, to deep caring for Daniel and empathy
for his problems, to passionate love for his wife- who he is still
ready to ‘betray’ for his principles, and love of truth.

What subtext can the actor play?

Since
he is living a double life, pretending to be a Reboot advocate,
while working against them, his inner life is full of subterfuge and
lies.

What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

With
his wife first. Then with Daniel.

How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

Gideon
is a brilliant scientist and teacher, who has a witty and colorful
way of expressing complex ideas, as well as simple daily exchanges.
His sense of awe with life itself is always with him, and apparent
in his Unique Voice.

What could make this character special and unique?

His
Brilliance, his caring nature, his awe and reverence for life and
the universe we live in.

3. Brainstorm the first 6 parts of the profile for each of your
lead characters.

Role in the Story: Mentor/Red Herring

Age range and Description: 40’s to late 60’s.

Core Traits: Thoughtful/Scientific, Caring, Conflicted,
Humorous.

Motivation; Want/Need:

Wound:

Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: Gideon genuinely cares for Daniel, and has always tried to help him. Even though he was part of Reboot, he realizes their dark intentions and has been working against them.

Relatability: Gideon feels torn between his love for his wife, and his growing fear of what she and Reboot are trying to do.

Empathy: Loss of his son. Daniel’s betrayal, which was that when Daniel’s Mother falsely accused Gideon of seducing Daniel, Daniel was too afraid of his Mother to tell the truth – that nothing like that ever happened. Gideon was cleared, but Daniel was never able to face him again- until now. (Question: Did Gideon ever mention to Daniel anything about “People who would take our freedoms.”

Johanna – Role: (Antagonist)

A. The High Concept.

When
a psychologically damaged genius invents a new mode of hacking, and
stumbles upon a plot to trick the nations of the world
into giving up their sovereignty, he pushes himself to embark on
the impossible– to somehow warn a world where no one can be
trusted, while an omnipresent network of AI hunts him down.

B. This character’s journey.

From a ruthlessly driven elitist, who never veers from her goal, to a woman who has a change of heart when faced with her own human loss.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character.

What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for
it?

Johanna
is a Power Player. A strong, Brilliant woman who believes that those
like her- an Elite Class of exceptionally intelligent scientists,
thinkers and corporate leaders- would have a better chance at saving
the planet if they were able to amass worldwide political power for
themselves.

What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in
your story?

She
is a force of nature. Charismatic, compelling, decisive- and unlike
her husband – she is not emotionally or intellectually torn. She
is fully committed to her goals.

What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the
script?

She forbids
talking about their dead son because it causes her too much pain.
-She secretly goes to visit her Son’s favorite place on the anniversary of
his death, telling no one. -Despite proclaiming that keeping Reboot
going is important above all else, when faced with the death of her
husband, she sacrifices herself to save him.

How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an
actor?

Overseeing
a long awaited Nuclear Fission experiment. The most powerful,
charismatic person in a room full of Power-Players,

What could be this character’s emotional range.

Very
interesting range emotional range, from completely shutting down of
emotion, to experiencing deep levels of emotion. Alive and
controlling. Enigmatic and unpredictable.

What subtext can the actor play?

She secretly knows Gideon is working against Reboot, but she hopes he will back
her and the project in the end. She covers her husband’s ‘betrayal’
of Reboot. Both these realities lead to situational subtext.

What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

With
Gideon. With their dead son.

How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

She
is ruthless and certain, so she speaks succinctly, clearly and
quickly, using the least amount of words to convey both simple and
complex ideas.

9. What could make this character special and unique?

She
is an enigma. A deeply feeling woman, and a controlled scientist and
conspiratorial elitist at the same time. She is always feminine and
sensual, but she keeps the emotions under lock and key.

3. Brainstorm the first 6 parts of the profile for each of your
lead characters.

Role in the Story: Johanna – Antagonist

Age range and Description: 30’s to 50’s or a young 60’s.

Core Traits: Driven, Controlling, Charismatic, Powerful, Enigmatic.

Motivation; Want/Need:

Johanna wants: To implement Reboot for the ‘good of the world.’

She needs: To accept her own and others’ humanity. ( To acknowledge and honor her suppressed instinctual understanding of the value of each human life.)

Wound: Death of her son with Gideon.

Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: Johanna is a horsewoman. Loves her horses and other animals.. Great rider.

Relatability: Johanna works hard on her marriage, as well as her passion for her work. (Nuclear Fission. ) She believes her work will save the world some day.

Empathy: She and Gideon lost their young son years ago. She holds her grief back, and resents Daniel, because she believes Gideon is trying to use him to replace their son. Unknown to Gideon, every year on the anniversary of their son’s death, she drives hundreds of miles and spends the day on the beach where they had shared their best times as a family.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Actor Attractors

MY
VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process, I will
do my very best to create a successful writing career full of love,
full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!<

What
I learned from doing this lesson is how much fun it is to see my character ideas grow so quickly into what feels like real flesh and blood characters I can believe in. Yay!

Movie Title: THE SOVEREIGNTY CODE

Lead Character Name: DANIEL (Protagonist)

Why would an actor WANT to be
known for this role?

Daniel is a unique, unexpected Hero,
who overcomes deep psychological issues when he understands what the
stakes are for humanity.

What makes this character one of
the most interesting characters in the movie?

He is a genius, thinks way ‘outside the
box’ , and takes unusual, offbeat actions to stay alive, solve the
mystery, and stop an horrific plot from succeeding.

What are the most interesting
actions the Lead takes in the movie?

1) When he witnesses a murder online,
instead of shutting down and protecting himself, he continues to dig
for the truth, putting his whole life on the line. 2) When they find
him, he deserts the bunker he hasn’t left in 4 years and goes on the
run- while still digging to find out who the villains are. 3) He
tries to save a Rooky Cop’s life instead of running away. 4) A
recluse who goes on a world stage in the end to expose the corruption
that is trying to gain World Power.

How is this character introduced
that could sell it to an actor?

As a genius recluse living in a sealed
bunker. In the midst of his obsessive compulsive paranoia, he argues
with a delivery man through the intercom when he refuses to spray
disinfectant on the delivery boxes. Comical and Sad, he’s in deep.

What is this character’s emotional
range?

From an obsessive compulsive paranoid
on drugs, to a brave, confident hero who risks his life to reveal a
villainous world plot.

What subtext can the actor play?

In the bunker- he tries to keep the
delivery guy talking because he’s so starved for human contact.
Outside the bunker- he as to lie about everything to almost everyone
he meets- and he’s a terrible liar.

What’s the most interesting
relationships this character has?

At first, the most interesting
relationship he has is with his devices and his Code. After he
discovers REBOOT, his most interesting relationship is with them. In
the end, is most interesting relationship is with his ex-Professor,
Gideon.

How is this character’s unique
voice presented?

Daniel’s unique voice is colored by
his psychological issues as well as the uniqueness of his thinking.
Pressured thinking and speech, sudden unexpected pauses for deeper
thought, actionable habits and tics, etc are all things the actor
can enhance to bring Daniel to life.

What makes this character special
and unique?

Everything! Daniel is a truly different
and exceptional Hero. He has to overcome monumental internal
roadblocks to become the Hero that he does in the end, and his
intelligence and charm come through the rest, making him incredibly
compelling.

Leads Character Name: Gideon – Role: (Mentor/Red Herring)

What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for
it?

Gideon
is a warrior held in check behind the deliberative thinking of a
Scientist. He got into trouble with his temper in his early life,
turned himself around, and went on to become a preeminent scientist.
Now, he is at a new precipice of his life with 2 questions to
answer: 1) Will he let the warrior out? And 2) What principle will
that warrior serve- the principle of freedom, or the principle of
“intelligent’ autocracy.

What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in
your story?

His
sense of humor and sense of awe for the universe. His down to earth
personality and his way of straight-talking science so it is
understandable. His character, and the depth of the choice he has to
make- to stick with his wife and Reboot to take world power ‘to do
good’, or continue to work against them in favor of humanity’s free
choice.

What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the
script?

1)
Even though Daniel betrayed him in a troubling way, he remains loyal
and caring, and does not turn him into the Reboot Cops. 2) He has
been involved with Reboot for decades, and his wife is one of their
leaders, yet he now secretly works against them because he sees the
deep flaws of their plans. 3) He risks his life to help Daniel
expose Reboot before it is too late.<

How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an
actor?

Teaching
a physics class. He is absolutely amazing and creative as a teacher.

What could be this character’s emotional range

From
grief over the child he lost, to deep caring for Daniel and empathy
for his problems, to passionate love for his wife- who he is still
ready to ‘betray’ for his principles, and love of truth.

What subtext can the actor play?

Since
he is living a double life, pretending to be a Reboot advocate,
while working against them, his inner life is full of subterfuge and
lies.

What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

With
his wife first. Then with Daniel.

How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

Gideon
is a brilliant scientist and teacher, who has a witty and colorful
way of expressing complex ideas, as well as simple daily exchanges.
His sense of awe with life itself is always with him, and apparent
in his Unique Voice.

What could make this character special and unique?

His
Brilliance, his caring nature, his awe and reverence for life and
the universe we live in.

Lead Character Name: Johanna – Role: (Antagonist)

What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for
it?

Johanna
is a Power Player. A strong, Brilliant woman who believes that those
like her- an Elite Class of exceptionally intelligent scientists,
thinkers and corporate leaders- would have a better chance at saving
the planet if they were able to amass worldwide political power for
themselves.

What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in
your story?

She
is a force of nature. Charismatic, compelling, decisive- and unlike
her husband – she is not emotionally or intellectually torn. She
is fully committed to her goals.

What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the
script?

She forbids
talking about their dead son because it causes her too much pain.
-She secretly goes to visit her Son’s grave on the anniversary of
his death, telling no one. -Despite proclaiming that keeping Reboot
going is important above all else, when faced with the death of her
husband, she sacrifices herself to save him.

How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an
actor?

Overseeing
a long awaited Nuclear Fission experiment. The most powerful,
charismatic person in a room full of Power-Players.

What could be this character’s emotional range.

Very
interesting range emotional range, from completely shutting down of
emotion, to experiencing deep levels of emotion. Alive and
controlling. Enigmatic and unpredictable.

What subtext can the actor play?

She
knows Gideon is working against Reboot, but she hopes he will back
her and the project in the end. She covers her husband’s ‘betrayal’
of Reboot. Both these realities lead to situational subtext.

What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

With
Gideon. With their dead son.

How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

She
is ruthless and certain of her views, so she speaks succinctly, clearly, calmly and
quickly, using the least amount of words to convey both simple and
complex ideas.

9. What could make this character special and unique?

She
is an enigma. A deeply feeling woman, and a controlled scientist and
conspiratorial elitist at the same time. She is always feminine and
sensual, but she keeps the emotions under lock and key.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Villain’s Plan

What I learned doing this Assignment is- Once again- Just when I think the story is not going to fit the model and I’d better switch to another story, if I stick to the process, the path lights up. 🙂

To
create your Villain’s plan, answer these four questions:

NOTE: I have Two ‘Villains’. One is the ‘Cartels’, in general and represented by individual members. The other is a feared Cartel Coalition Leader who as his own agenda, but uses the Cartels to achieve it. In that way, I am considering the ‘Cartels’, who do many villainous and life threatening things throughout the film, as a Red Herring for the Main Villain, Enrique, the Coalition Leader who has a history with Abuela, and who is the one who sets the plan in motion. I’m laying out their end goals and cover-ups separately below, because the Protagonist, Abuela, has to bump into both agendas over the course of the film. Then I sequenced them as intertwined, delineating Enrique’s Plan when it comes up. I hope that works and doesn’t confuse.

I.) My OVERT VILLAIN/RED HERRING:

THE CARTELS (Still Villains, but diverting us from the “EL JEFE”( Big Boss’ Plan.)

1. What
is the end goal?

– To make as much money and amass as much
power as they possibly can.

2. How
can the Villain/Red Herring accomplish that in a devious way?

-Exploit
the politics in the US and South America

-Manipulate
and exploit the people of South America and elsewhere who are
looking for a better life.

Work
in secret beside political and charity organizations who help the
Cartel achieve their goals, while they pursue their own.

3.
How can they cover it up?

-They
keep people from revealing the truth through…

-Threats
and Violence

-Coercion
and Extortion

-Threats
to Family Members and Friends

– By
killing, raping or maiming those who would expose them,
including ‘problem migrants’ and those who are too weak
to keep up with the trip

– By
“Indenturing’ migrants who couldn’t pay them, and
threatening them to keep their mouth shuts or else.

Other
ways they work with their ‘Partners’ to keep the truth from coming
out:

-They
cover it up through denial

-By
working under cover of night

-By
working in plain sight as if it were normal

-By
calling it ‘Humane’ and ‘Justice’, and intimidating or maligning the
reputations of those who disagree or try to stand in their way.

-By
working with co-operating governments, organizations and media to
keep the truth secret.

II) MY
HIDDEN VILLAIN:

ENRIQUE was a freedom fighter with Abuela (Lucretia) in their
native country. He was also her lover. Enrique and Lucretia were idealistic and in love, but arrest and torture- as well as what he saw as Lucretia’s betrayal- changed him. He is now the Leader of the largest and most brutal Coalition of
Cartels. He holds a deep grudge against Abuela for not waiting for
him when he was captured, and for going into hiding with
their daughter so he couldn’t find them. Despite searching for them both for years, he
was never able to meet or see his daughter before she died. He blames Abuela.

1.) What
is Enrique’s end goal?

– To See Lucretia again and make her face him.
When she sees him, he wants her to know that because of him, she had
to go through hell looking for her family- the same way she made him
go through hell looking for his.

2.) How
can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way?

-To enlist Other
Cartels/members/groups be the front men for what he wants from
Abuela.

-They do his bidding, harass her on her journey, make her
miserable, but make sure she gets to him.

3.) How
can they cover it up?

– Make
it look like Abuela is just bumping into the general ‘Cartels’ Goals
and Plans, not Enrique’s personal ones.

-Let
Abuela keep thinking Enrique is dead

– Enrique has created an entirely new identity with the Cartel. He keeps (and
has kept) his real Identity hidden from everyone for years .

4.
Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible:

NOTE:
Even though they work together and overlap, the Cartel’s Plans are
often Overt and in plain sight. Enrique’s plans are the Secret that
creates the Mystery.

– Create
a harassment situation of her Granddaughter so that Abuela will give
in to take her family North. (Enrique’s Plan)

– When
Abuela and her two Grandchildren show up at the Cartel meeting
point, they tell her that she only has enough passage for two. They
will take the children under Cartel care. (Enrique’s Plan) When
Abuela tries to fight them and take back the children, they knock
her out with the butt of a gun.

– The
Cartel take her Grandchildren, (Enrique’s Plan) The Cartel
Soldier in charge, who she scratched in the struggle, decides to abuse
her for fun while she’s unconscious. Abuela wakes when he starts to
rape her and fights, killing the Cartel Soldier.

– The
Local Cartel Honcho, whose son was the Cartel Soldier she killed,
vows revenge – swearing to find Abuela and kill her- despite what “El
Jefe” (the
‘Big Boss’) says. (Local Cartel Plan/Complication)

-The
Cartel Honcho pursues Abuela, and enlists other Cartel Sicario
friends to help him. (Cartel Plan)

– Enrique buys out someone on the local Cartel Honcho’s crew, and has the
Honcho killed just before he can kill Abuela. (Enrique’s Plan)

– If
they are not already on his payroll, Enrico buys spies along the way
at NGO’s, Government Offices, Cartel groups etc. (Enrique’s Plan)

– Enrique has Abuelo’s Grandchildren brought to him. (Enrique’s Plan. They are his
Grandchildren as well.)

– He sends leads/clues through the NGO’s to
send Abuela in another direction. (Enrique’s Plan)

– Enrique ingratiates
himself with his Grandchildren (Enrique’s Plan)

– Enrique has his people plant clues for Abuela to follow that finally lead to
him- and their Grandchildren. (Enrique’s Plan)

– Enrico
confronts Abuela. (Enrique’s Plan)

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou. Reason: Unwanted font characters
• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy

MY VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process, I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!

What I learned doing this Assignment is that listing out the likability, relatability and empathy for each main character stimulates the mind into tapping in, deepening the instances of these traits that you have, and creating more instances.

State: I
have fun…

Activity: …making
my characters likable, relatable, and empathetic!

Film: The Sovereignty Code.

DANIEL: PROTAGONIST

Likability:

ACT
1: As he hacks into computers and cameras, he sees people in
need or in danger and finds inventive ways to help them from his
keyboard. Possible Example: There is a female jogger who
Daniel likes and ‘follows’ online. He likes to think that he
is watching over her on her jogs. When he sees she
is about to be mugged by thugs waiting on her usual path, he hacks
into a nearby Male Athlete’s phone and talks him into warning her
from going down that path. OR Hacks into her heart rate
monitor and makes her heart-rate soar, so she doesn’t take the
steep path.

MIDPOINT:
Daniel tries to save the Rookie Cop, putting his own life in
greater danger.

THROUGHOUT
THE FILM: Despite the grave danger he is in, Daniel is always
aware that innocent bystanders could be hurt, and avoids that
possibility vigilantly. Is he completely successful?
Does anyone else get hurt? Die? How does Daniel
respond?

Relatability:
In the above ACT 1 example, he’s jealous when the Athlete gets the
jogger woman’s gratitude, and they exchange numbers.

Empathy:
As soon as Daniel witnesses the Reboot murder, his distressful
situation causes us to have empathy for him. This becomes even
more intense when he has to leave the safety of his bunker, and go
on the run from Reboot, and accelerates from there.

In
the ACT 1 Likability example above with the jogger, we empathize
with his distress in trying to save her from a mugging, then with
his distress that he sent her into the Athlete’s arms, then with his
genuine caring about her when he tells himself ‘ Don’t be like
that, Danny. At least she’s ok.”

In
the MIDPOINT example above, We empathize with Daniel’s distress at
being cornered and in danger of being killed. Then again when
he becomes concerned for the Rooky cop and risks his own safety to
try to save him, and then the additional distress of seeing
that the Rookie is killed despite his effort, followed by
intense fear of what is going to happen to Daniel now if the FBI
Goon gets to the gun before he does.

JOHANNA:
ANTAGONIST:

Likability: Johanna
is a horsewoman. Loves her horses. Great rider.

Relatability: Johanna
works hard on her marriage, as well as her passion for her work.
(Nuclear Fission. ) She believes her work will save the world some
day.

Empathy:
She and Gideon lost their young son years ago. She holds her
grief back, and resents Daniel, because she believes Gideon is
trying to use him to replace their son. Unknown to Gideon,
every year on the anniversary of their son’s death, she drives
hundreds of miles and spends the day on the beach where they
had shared their best times as a family.

GIDEON
– MENTOR / RED HERRING CHARACTER

Likability:
Gideon genuinely cares for Daniel, and has always tried to help him.
/ Even though he was part of Reboot, he realizes their dark
intentions and has been working against them.

Relatability:
Gideon feels torn between his love for his wife, and his growing
fear of what she and Reboot are trying to do.

Empathy:
Loss of his son at a young age. Daniel’s betrayal, which was that when
Daniel’s Mother falsely accused Gideon of seducing Daniel, Daniel
was too afraid of his Mother to speak up and tell the truth – that nothing like
that ever happened. Gideon was cleared, but Daniel was never
able to face him again- until now.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou. Reason: Unwanted font characters
• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

I, Maureen Tilyou, agree to the terms of the Release Form below.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Intriguing World and Characters for ABUELO

What I learned doing this assignment is
that it doesn’t matter if I’m drawing a blank (or 10). Do the
Assignment, Work the Process– it will come.

CONCEPT: A Colombian Abuela
(Grandmother) travels north
on foot through some of the most dangerous terrain, pursued by
ruthless killers, on a mission to save her 12 year old Granddaughter
and 8 year old Grandson from the Cartels.

Big Mystery: Where are Abuela’s
Grandchildren and who has them?

Big Intrigue: The covert plan of the
Cartels, and those who work with them, to traffic men, women and
children from South America and elsewhere, to make money by any means
available.

The Big Suspense: Will Abuela find her
Grandchildren and save them, or will she be killed by the Cartels?

Intriguing
World:

The
world of Cartel Trafficking of human beings, the people who help
them, and the people who are exploited by them, from the Point of
View of a woman trying to take back her grandchildren from them.

Roles:

Character: Abuela (Lucretia) (Protagonist)

A. What is the mystery of this character?

Will Abuela find the
inner strength and strategic agility to take back her Grandchildren
from the Cartel? Related– a mystery from Abuelo’s past as a
teenager that develops over the course of the story.

B. What is the suspense of this character?

Will Abuela be killed by
the Cartel?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

Abuela constantly
surprises us in her ability to use whatever resources she finds to
out-wit and out-maneuver the ruthless, organized thugs we don’t
think she has a chance against.

Character: The Cartel – (Antagonist)

A. What is the mystery of this character?

What depths will they go
to as a group? Can Individual Cartel members be swayed or bought
off? How can they be defeated?

B. What is the suspense of this character?

How far will they go to
stop Abuela?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

They are relentless,
powerful and seemingly unstoppable in their plan to make as much
money as possible through human and drug trafficking. Their
networks of co-conspirators and co-operating (albeit sometimes
competing/fighting) Cartel Groups, is seemingly ubiquitous.

Character: Enrico (Red Herring/Young Love Interest)

A. What is the mystery of this character? Who is this Charismatic
Young Man who taught 17 year old Lucretia (Abuelo) to fight and
‘think like a General’ during the revolution/insurgency in her birth
country.

B. What is the suspense of this character?

Is Enrico dead? Will
Abuelo meet him again? Can he help her?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

Fearlessly committed and
daring, he puts himself in explosive and dangerous situations for
their Cause, making Young Lucretia fear for his life.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Big MIS for ABUELA

What I learned doing this assignment is that the story that I had is waiting to be shaped, and this process shows me how to shape it.

LOGLINE: Lucretia (Abuela) a Columbian Coffee Farmer heads north on foot pursued by ruthless killers, through some of the most dangerous terrain in the world, on a mission to save her 12 year old Granddaughter and 8 year old Grandson from the Cartels who took them.

Unwitting But Resourceful Hero:
Abuela knows the jungle, has natural smarts, cunning and
determination, and a powerful driving force- her love for her
grandchildren.

Dangerous Villain:
The Cartels at all levels along the way- from the thugs in her small
town- to the regional soldier/sicarios, getting bigger as it goes up
to the top honcho ‘Capos’ of networking groups of Cartels. The
agencies and groups working with the cartels. Who can she trust
along the way? Who have they paid off? (Note: I am trying to find
one big Shot Antagonist to represent the whole, but have not yet discovered
him or her.)

High Stakes:
Abuela’s Life and wellbeing. The lives and well-being of her Granddaughter and Grandson. The lives of
people who help her. Other innocent lives disrupted by the cartels.

Life and Death Situations:
Pursued by the cartels and their goons, and ‘co-operating agencies’
all along the way. After Abuela kills a cartel member early on in
self defense, and they relentlessly hunt her all along the way. She
also faces natural dangers, escalating at the greatest natural life
and death challenge—navigating the Darien gap, where the bodies of
those who didn’t make it lay abandoned.

This Story is Thrilling Because:
Abuela is a normal woman who is acting courageously in a situation
we can all relate to. From the beginning we connect with her love
for her Grandchildren, her concern for them, and her determination to
do everything she is humanly capable of to find them and save them
from the sure horror they will face if she cannot. As the stakes get
bigger and bigger, we admire her and follow her into the belly of the
beast. Ultimately, she has to use her smarts and outwit them in
order to win.

Big Mystery: Where are Abuela’s
Grandchildren and who has them?

Big Intrigue: The covert plan of the
Cartels, and those who work with them, to traffic men, women and
children from South American countries and elsewhere to make money in
any way possible.

The Big Suspense: Will Abuela find her
Grandchildren and save them, or will she be killed by the Cartels?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

I, Maureen Tilyou, agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Subtext Characters

MY VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process, I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!

What I learned doing this assignment: I thought that I had to take more time to get these answers, but when I went ahead and ‘Filled in the Blanks’, the answers were there 🙂

1. Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I love discovering…

Activity: …the subtext of my characters!

2. With your example movie, give us the following answers for the character with the most subtext:

Movie Title: The Fugitive

Character Name: Richard Kimble

Subtext Identity: Fugitive on the run trying to prove his innocence

Subtext Trait: Concealing, Undercover, Strategic

Subtext Logline: Richard Kimble is a fugitive on the run using undercover concealing strategies in order to stay safe while trying to prove his innocence.

Possible Areas of Subtext: 1) Every time he comes into contact with people they could recognize him, so every conversation is fraught with danger. 2) In order to prove his innocence, he has to enter areas where he is in danger of being caught. 3) The subtext in one scene that is clear to us from his behavior, but we still can’t believe it until he does it- He’s rather JUMP than let them take him to prison and lose his chance to clear himself. Wow!

3. For your two leads, brainstorm these answers:

Character Name: Daniel

Subtext Identity: Psychologically damaged genius on the run, trying to expose one secret, while hiding other layers of secrets from himself and others.

Subtext Trait: Secretive, Obsessive Control Compulsions, Undercover,

Subtext Logline: Daniel is a Psychologically damaged genius who is forced out of his self created comfort zone where he controls everything- and out into the world where he controls nothing.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Just trying to survive out in the world where his control is nil or limited. Desperately trying to regain control in this new circumstance while on the run from killers. In order to survive, he needs to ACT quickly, where he would previously game plan and weigh every decision. He is totally off kilter, but must step up to survive.

Character Name: Gideon

Subtext Identity: Layer 1: Member of Reboot :Layer 2: Spy and Advocate for Anti-Reboot group.

Subtext Trait: Concealing, Secretive

Subtext Logline: Gideon is a long time member of Reboot who is secretly working against them.

Possible Areas of Subtext: In his dealings with everyone he knows, including Daniel, his wife, Johanna, other members of Reboot, etc.

Character Name: Johanna

Subtext Identity: Competitor and Con, Leading Member of Reboot.

Subtext Trait: Manipulative, Devious, Treacherous

Subtext Logline: Johanna is a leader in Reboot who manipulates and betrays everyone to further Reboot’s cause.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Her dealings with husband Gideon, Daniel, and everyone else not on board with Reboot. When trying to protect Gideon, she lies to other Reboot members.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Thriller Conventions for ‘The Fugitive’

What I learned doing this assignment is a really great film has it’s way with you every time you watch it. This is no accident. A good thriller is a carefully planned and executed attack on the audiences’ sensibilities- and the knowledge iof ow that breaks down is exciting in itself!

Film: THE FUGITIVE

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Richard Kimble, a Doctor condemned to death for murdering his wife, on the run to prove his innocence.

Dangerous Villain: One armed Man and the Pharma conspiracy that he works for.

High stakes: Kimble is relentlessly chased by US Marshall Lt Gerard and his team, he’s only just one step ahead of them, and if they catch him, he will go to prison and will be hanged- if they don’t kill him trying to escape. If the one armed man finds him, he will definitely try to kill him.

Life and death situations: Fights with his wife’s killer/ Condemned to death in court/watches as other convicts on the bus execute an escape attempt/ Major bus crash/ A speeding train bears down on the crashed bus while Kimble rescues an unconscious man/ Crashing train chases him down the track/ Kimble jumps from an aqueduct into a river hundreds of feet below to avoid capture/Gerard is always snapping at his heels while Kimble tries to find the one armed man who killed his wife.

This movie is thrilling because? It is absolutely the most relentless thriller I have ever seen. I have seen it maybe 12-13 times, and it still grabs on and doesn’t let go every time.

3. What is the BIG Mystery, Intrigue, and Suspense of this story?

Big Mystery: Who is the one armed man who killed Richard Kimble’s wife, and why did he do it?<div>

Big Intrigue: The Plan of a Big Pharma Company to bring a new product to the market, and the lengths they are willing to go to to cover up the dangerous and lethal results during the testing period.

Big Suspense: Will Gerard catch and capture – or kill- Richard Kimble before Richard has a chance to find the truth and clear his name.

4. Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great thriller?

The Fugitive is an amazing movie. As the audience, you are completely emotionally involved with Kimble’s journey to clear himself. As if that’s not enough, the sheer physical danger that relentlessly pounding this man endures is mind boggling. You can’t help but admire the phenomenal determination , morality and smarts Kimble exhibits as he eludes the truly maniacal and magnificent Gerard. I love this film!

</div>

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

MY
VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process,
I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of
love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!

What
I learned from this lesson is that what I would previously think about, and contemplate, and ponder for weeks and months, now comes forth almost miraculously quickly when the right prompts and questions are posed.

Character Name: Daniel

Role: Protagonist/Hero

Hidden agendas: Daniel is investigating the Hidden
Agenda of conspiracy group Reboot. Daniel has his own
Hidden Agenda which he carries out in the end.

Competition: Daniel is competitive. He competes
online in Act 1. Daniel competes with Reboot to
out-think and out maneuver them.

Conspiracies: In Act 1, Daniel amuses himself by baiting
conspirators in online chats, until he stumbles upon the dangerous
conspiracy that is Reboot.

Secrets: Daniel has Secrets that he doesn’t address, but that haunt him and color his choices and behavior. He is keeping the secret of Reboot- because who can he trust to tell?

Deception: Daniel is on the run and deceives people in
order to stay alive. He deceives himself that he can hide from
the world.

Unspoken Wound: His toxic relationship with his Mother. / His
betrayal of Gideon/ Possibly his fear of Johanna because of a past
event.

Secret Identity: Pondering this. Does he have an internal Secret Hero
Identity in the beginning? Or does he just grow into a hero in
the end? Or both?

Daniel’s subtext shows up as he hides from Reboot, and lies to people
in order to stay alive. The fear he tries to hide is
palpable. Subtext also comes out because he is paranoid so he
watches everything with suspicion and trepidation. He’s obsessive
so it drives him crazy when he can’t make little
‘adjustments’ to his environment because it might get him might get
pinned. Trying to control that creates other behavior. Subtext shows up when he hides his real plans from
Gideon, Johanna and others. Also with Gideon, and beforehand- his guilt over his betrayal of Gideon lives deep in him.

Character Name: Gideon

Role: Mentor-Support Character / Red Herring

Hidden agendas: Do not let Reboot succeed.

Competition: With another Reboot big shot for Johanna

Conspiracies: He is part of Reboot. He is also
conspiring with another group to spy on Reboot and weaken them.

Secrets: He knows about Reboot. He knows his wife
is one of the leaders. He has kept himself involved with them,
but is working against them in secret.

Deception: Johanna believes that despite his
reservations, that Gideon will side with Reboot in the end- and he lets
her believe that.

Unspoken Wound: Daniel’s betrayal./ His realization that his
wife- whom he loves – is going to betray the world. /The loss of his son in the past.

Secret Identity: Three layers of Secret Identity 1) He is a
revered member of Reboot and is set to give their keynote speech
before the ‘Vote’, 2) He has been working against Reboot for years,
spying on them and trying to weaken them. 3) Protector of his wife:
Gideon secretly believes that if he exposes Reboot before they
create massive harm, he can save Johanna from paying a price.

Gideon’s subtext shows up in all his relations with other people,
including Daniel. He is almost always pretending to someone he isn’t. He pretends to have the opposite / different intentions from what he actually does
have. Subtext also shows up with Daniel when he first tries to see
Gideon, because he is wounded by Daniel’s betrayal.

Character Name: Johanna
Role: Antagonist/
False Friend

Hidden agendas: Help Reboot take over the Sovereignty of the
World’s nations and consolidate power.

Competition: With her husband (secretly)/ With Daniel

Conspiracies: She is part of Reboot.

Secrets: She doesn’t trust Gideon. She knows he
has been working against Reboot, and, even though she loves him, she
is committed to sacrificing him if she has to.

Deception: Johanna pretends she is not aware of
Gideon’s working against Reboot- which she considers a betrayal.
Although Johanna wants Gideon to side with Reboot in the end,
she doesn’t trust that he will, and is prepared to sacrifice him if
she must

Unspoken Wound: Her husband’s Nobel Prize./ Her own working
class background/ Loss of her father’s love/ Her husband’s betrayal
of Reboot./ Jealousy about Gideon’s affection for Daniel

Secret Identity: A Top Honcho for Reboot.

Johanna’s subtext shows up all the time because she is involved in
a major conspiracy that she has to hide from most people- even some
of the other people who work for Reboot. Since Reboot works in
‘blocks’ not all of it’s members know the other ‘blocks’. At
Joanna’s level, she knows everyone’s Reboot identity, so she is
almost constantly performing at some level. Subtext shows up for
Johanna with Gideon, because she knows of his ‘betrayal’ of Reboot, but
pretends not to and hopes he will come around. She is ashamed of her
background and upbringing, so she takes on a different persona, and
pretends her upbringing doesn’t exist. She pretends to be a friend
to Daniel, when we know she harbors resentment and jealousy towards
him.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

<font color=”#0000ff”><font face=”Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif”><font size=”2″>MY
VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process,
I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of
love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!</font></font></font>

<font color=”#222222″><font face=”Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif”><font size=”3″><font color=”#000000″>What
I learned from this lesson is no matter how many times you see a great film, there is always something more to learn, and it is possible to be totally caught up in it’s grip as if you’d never seen it before. Pretty amazing!</font></font></font></font>

Movie Title: The Fugitive
Lead Character Name: Dr. Richard Kimble

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

He’s going through hell continually, from his wife’s murder to his conviction and death sentence, to the bus crash and train wreak, etc, etc –and he still fights on. This is the role of a lifetime!

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?

His relentless pursuit of the truth behind is wife’s death.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?

– Faced with an oncoming train, choosing to save a man’s life before jumping out of the bus

– Jumping off a ridiculously high viaduct.

– All instances of his going back to Chicago places to investigate, putting himself in danger.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

Introduced in a riveting series of scenes that lay out his wife’s murder, his trying to save her, his arrest, conviction and death sentence, The way it’s filmed, it feels like you are in his nightmare.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

The Full Range. From grief at his wife’s death, to anger when they accuse him, to fear when they convict him, and then more intense fear on the bus watcing the other convicts getting up to something, then and oncoming train and other dangerous situations, to determination, desperation, disappointment with is best friend (and traitor) etc, etc, etc All nuanced and compelling.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Subtext throughout. Meeting Dr Lentz in the beginning, being put in leg irons, on the bus with the other convicts, then constantly pretending to be someone else, his inner life is fully on display for audience pleasure.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

Definitely with Gerard.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?

He doesn’t talk a lot, but his words are precise, meaningful. He engages with the world as it comes to him-and with just what is needed- no more- in both actions and words.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

He is incredibly moral- and as relentless in his need to prove his innocence and find the truth as Gerard is in trying to catch him.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)

The scene with Gerard where he tells him he didn’t kill his wife, Gerard says he doesn’t care, and Kimble jumps.

Movie Title: The Fugitive

Lead Character Name: Lt. Gerard

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

Gerard is smart, funny, relentless, ruthlessly moral and scorchingly sarcastic. He has interesting relationships with his crew including snappy repartee that conjures up the timing of a 1930’s comedy. Did I mention that he’s incredibly charismatic? And keeps our hero on massively full alert with his never-let-up pursuit.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?

All of the above, especially his wit and relentless pursuit of Kimble.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?

-He tells a man pointing a loaded gun at him that he doesn’t care if he’s guilty of killing his wife or not, he’s still taking him in.

-He shoots a perp who is holding a weapon to his team member’s throat

– He starts following Kimble’s search for the one armed man in order to catch Kimble, and he ends up investigating to find the truth for himself.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

At the site of the train wreak, making te poor cops look stupid, sarcasm on full display, taking over the investigation, and laying out in vivid detail exactly how f—d Kimble is with his brilliant ‘every outhouse, doghouse, etc ” speech.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

Gerard is an interesting character in that he is like a strategic machine that shuts out anything that gets in the way of his goal- which is catching his ‘prey.’ Within that mercurial emotions fly through this guy.-most in service of his almost lusty enjoyment of the chase, but also in his slow build to grasping Kimble’s innocence- which is somewhat of a challenge to his worldview.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

The wheels are always turning in Gerard’s head. The audience can just about watch them spin. I think a lot of that is subtext about what Kimble is up to and why. He starts to admire Kimble as an equal – something he’s not used to.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

With Richard Kimble

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?

He takes over and commands the stage- always- through the force of his personality. His speech is right in line with that. It’s precise, exacting, sarcastic, and gets the job done- like the man himself.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

I’m tempted to say Tommy Lee Jones, and that’s true, but it goes both ways. Tommy Lee makes himself one with the character traits mentioned above, plus more, creates one unforgettable character on film, and wins himself an Oscar.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)

Gerard’s intro– The investigating the train wreak scene

[Maureen Tilyou]

MY VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process,
I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of
love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!

What I learned doing this assignment is how a truly amazing film can grab you and keep you on te edge of your seat, even if you’ve seen it 10-15 times. I didn’t tink I really wanted to watch it again, but Wow! I’m glad I did.

Movie Title: The Fugitive

Lead Character Name: Richard Kimble

Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

He’s
going through hell continually, from his wife’s murder to his
conviction and death sentence, to the bus crash and train wreak,
etc, etc –and he still fights on. This is the role of a lifetime!

What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in
the movie?

His relentless pursuit of the truth behind his wife’s death.

What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?

– Faced
with an oncoming train, choosing to sae another man’s life before he
jumps out of the bus himself.

– Jumping
off a ridiculously high Viaduct

– All
instances of him investigating in Chicago, and continuously putting
himself in danger to get to the truth.

How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

Introduced in a riveting montage of scenes that lay out his wife’s
murder, his arrest, conviction and death sentence. The way it’s
filmed, it feels like you are in his nightmare.

What is this character’s emotional range?

From grief at his wife’s death, to anger when they accuse him, to
fear when they convict him, to even more intense fear on the bus with
the train bearing down on them, to determination, to desperation, to
disappointment and anger at his best friend who betrayed him, etc,
etc, etc. All nuanced and compelling.

What subtext can the actor play? Subtext throughout. From meeting
Dr Lentz, who hasn’t been returning his calls in the beginning, to
being put in leg irons, to being on the bus watching the other
inmates’ little plan unfold, then constantly pretending to be
someone else- his inner subtext is shown to us over and over.

What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

Definitely with Gerard.

How is this character’s unique voice presented?

He doesn’t talk a lot but his words are precise, meaningful. He
engages with the world as it comes to him- with just what is
needed- no more- in both actions and words.

What makes this character special and unique?

Kimble is incredibly moral- and he’s as relentless in
his need to prove his innocence and find the truth as Gerard is in
trying to catch him. Through it all, you can see and hear his intense discomfort, but his words and actions remain precise and decisive.

(Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the
Actor Attractor model.)

The
scene with Gerard where Kimble tells him he didn’t kill his wife,
and Gerard says he doesn’t care, and Kimble jumps into the river
from a deadly height.

One
more thing– In case you haven’t guessed– I truly LOVE this movie!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Genre Layering

MY
VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process,
I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of
love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!

What
I learned doing this assignment is how difficult it can be to keep it simple when ideas are flying through your head. I see the importance of it, but it was tough. I did the best I could while still trying to lay in as much genre convention as possible. It seemed as if the genre was all in the details, so I tried to balance that with keeping it to a minimum.

Title: The
Sovereignty Code

Concept: A
psychologically damaged genius invents a new mode of hacking and
stumbles upon a plot to trick the
nations of the world into giving up their sovereignty.

Genre: Sci-Fi Thriller

PURPOSE:
Thrill
with high stakes/plot twists/suspense/adrenalin packed
climax.

LIFE
AND DEATH SITUATIONS. Danger
at every step — physical, emotional, or mental. Hero always in
danger or under threat of future danger.

MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE:
Mystery must be solved
to survive. Intrigue is the underhanded and covert Villain’s plan.
Suspense from the danger the Hero faces.

HERO:
Unknowing, unwitting, but resourceful hero

VILLAIN:
Dangerous, devious, and unrelenting. Committed to destroy

MAIN
EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, anticipation,uncertainty,
surprise

Act 1:

Opening:
Establish
Daniel in impenetrable ‘Safe Cave’ Bunker. No face to face contact w
outside world. Covid precautions gone overboard. Compulsion, Paranoia & Confusion. Takes Anxiety pills. Finds escape and
amusement in unique AI/VR world he created a new transformational
code for, which allows him to spy on people.

Using
his New Code, Daniel sneaks into to a Elite VR Spiritual Retreat
Space called ‘Reboot’ and quickly figures out that it is a Conspiracy Group’s Space
masquerading as a Retreat Space. Daniel is intrigued. ‘Reboot’ becomes his new amusing obsession.

Inciting
Incident: While spying on ‘Reboot’,
Daniel witnesses the murder of a member threatening to blow the
whistle on their plan.

Freaked
out, Daniel compulsively investigates ‘Reboot’, trying to find out
who they really are and what is the ‘Plan’ they keep talking about
in their space. All the while, Daniel keeps one step ahead of
Reboot’s counter-intelligence coding. They have copped on that
someone is spying on them, and they are looking for him.

Turning
Point:
“Reboot’ locks onto Daniel’s physical position. Daniel sees they
have found him. He has to leave his Bunker. Out of a pure survival
instinct, he wills his ‘hesitancy impulse’ to stand down, grabs his
most important gear, and escapes.

Act 2:

New plan:
Find another safe space and stay alive.

Plan in action:
Not only on the run, but also tortured with anxiety and disoriented
after leaving his bunker for the first time in 4 years, Daniel
struggles to cope, going back to his old haunts to find a safe space
to be while he figures out what the hell is going on and what to do
about it. Reboot
Goons are waiting for him wherever he goes. Daniel keeps managing to
slip away by hacking on the fly into systems that they are using,
seeing how they are tracking him, and shutting off their
surveillance piece by piece. He finally finds safety in an old clock
shop he has keys for, but no online connection to. While there, he
figures out what Reboot wants- to manipulate the Sovereignty Vote.

Midpoint:
2d Turning Point Daniel goes
to FBI Headquarters to tell them about Reboot. While
waiting with a Rooky Agent for a Detective to arrive, Daniel
sees the Reboot Goons who were after him. They are FBI agents!
Daniel sneaks out, but not before FBI spot him and chase him. Using
all his wits and skills, he sends them in the wrong direction. The Rooky Agent corners Daniel in an alley and calls for help. The
Goon Agents shows up and also holds his gun on Daniel. He commends
the Young Cop then shifts his aim to shoot him, but Daniel knocks
him off target. The stunned Rooky fires back at the Goon. The Rooky
is killed. The Goon, wounded, drops his gun. Panicked and shaking,
Daniel grabs the gun and runs out of the alley.

Act
3:

Rethink
Everything: The News that night
carries the story of a cop killed by a psychotic escapee- with
Daniel’s photo. Daniel sleeps on the street, scared out of his mind
and struggling to come to terms with the breadth of this conspiracy. He needs to clean up his act for real now, if he wants to survive.

New
plan: Seek the help of the only person he trusts, his
old Physics Professor, Gideon. But before he can approach
Gideon, he has to come to terms with his past betrayal of
his Professor, in preparation to face Gideon.

A
Reboot Goon FBI Agent visits Gideon, asking about Daniel. Gideon
tells them that they had a falling out and he hasn’t seen Daniel in
over 5 yrs. Gideon’s wife, Johanna bluntly tells the agents she and
Gideon would both be happy to turn in that little bastard if he
shows up.

Daniel
follows Gideon home and knocks on the outside study door. Gideon
opens it. Says nothing. Breaking down, Daniel apologizes. Gideon
lets him in, then looks down at the FBI card on the table. He slips
it in the drawer. Johanna arrives home and calls out to Gideon.
Gideon tells Daniel to stay put and be quiet, and steers Johanna
away.

When
Gideon comes back, Daniel
tells Gideon everything. Gideon knows some of the players Daniel mentions from his
investigations, and they follow some clues together, finding more
answers and brainstorming what they can do about Reboot.

When
Johanna goes out of town, Gideon and Daniel make a plan to
use a very special University Science and Computer Center where his
Johanna has her lab, and Gideon knows a few
people there that can help them expose Reboot.

Turning Point 3:
Huge failure / Major shift: Working at the
massively advanced Computer Center, Daniel figures out the last
pieces of the mystery puzzle of how Reboot is going to manipulate
the vote. At the next moment, he realizes that this Computer Center
is the heart of Reboot. Johanna comes in and comments that his Code
found those hidden files faster than she thought it would. Believing Gideon has betrayed and lied
to him, a dejected Daniels lets Johanna talk him intojoining Reboot, and sharing his Code.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate
	expression of the conflict.  The stage is set for Nations' Heads of State to vote on giving up sovereignty to a new
	World Body.  Reboot is confident of the
	outcome. But before the vote can take place,
	Daniel fights his way up on the stage of the arena, and exposes the
	Reboot Plot as the whole world watches. A Reboot sniper shoots him,
	wounding him, but he continues, proving his case to both the Voting
	Heads of State in the room, and the people of the world watching on
	the media of their various sovereign nations. 

Resolution: 
	The Anti-Sovereignty Resolution is defeated. Daniel also planted a
	whistle-blower code set to go to every newsroom on the planet and
simultaneously, full
	hardcopy evidence of the Reboot Plot and everyone who was a
	part of it-- from within their own framework. Reboot
	members are arrested or go into hiding, and investigations of
	collaborators go forward worldwide. Daniel celebrates with Gidean
	and other friends, confident and
	unafraid, proud of what he accomplished, and ready for a new life.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s 4 Act
Transformational Structure

MY
VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process,
I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of
love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!

What
I learned doing this assignment is with the right stimulus and
guidance, ideas come together so much more quickly. Putting together
a Structure plan usually takes me several weeks, and is much more
basic and plot focused. This transformation method is so much more
satisfying because you are under the protagonist’s skin the whole
way.

Concept:
A
psychologically damaged genius invents a new mode of hacking and
stumbles upon a plot to trick the
nations of the world into giving up their sovereignty.

Main
Conflict: Brilliant but Psychologically
damaged hacker vrs Ubiquitous Global Coalition of conspirators
controlling most AI.

Old
Ways

Fearful/Paranoid

Scattered
Thinking

Morally confused

Dependence on
Anti-Anxiety Drugs

Hiding out/
Escaping

New Ways

Determined

Confident

Mind open to
brilliant targeted thinking

Off the drugs

Brave
and unbending for his cause

Act 1:

Opening:
Establish
Daniel in impenetrable ‘Safe Cave’ Bunker. No contact w outside
world. Covid precautions gone overboard.
Paranoia & confusion. Takes Anxiety pills. Finds escape and
amusement in unique AI/VR world he created a new transformational
code for, which allows him to spy on people.

Inciting
Incident: While spying on a VR Conspiracy Space called
‘Reboot’, Daniel witnesses the murder of a member threatening to
blow the whistle on their plan.

Turning
Point:
“Reboot’ locks onto Daniel’s physical position. Daniel sees they
have found him. He has to leave his Bunker. Out of a pure survival
instinct, he wills his ‘hesitancy impulse’ to stand down, grabs his
most important gear, and escapes.

Act 2:

New plan: Find
another safe space and stay alive.

Plan in action:
Not only on the run, but also tortured with anxiety and disoriented
after leaving his bunker for the first time in 4 years, Daniel
struggles to cope, going back to his old haunts to find a safe space
to be while he figures out what the hell is going on and what to do
about it.

Midpoint Turning
Point: Daniel goes to FBI Headquarters to tell them about Reboot.
While there he sees the Reboot Goons who were after him. They are
FBI agents! Daniel manages to sneak out, but not before they spot
him.

Act 3:

Rethink everything:
After an FBI pursuit, where he just makes it to safety, Daniel has
to come to terms with the fact that this conspiracy is much bigger
than he thought- and he is in even greater danger. He needs to
clean up his act for real now, if he wants to survive.

New plan: Daniel
seeks the help of the only person he trusts- his old Physics
Professor, Gideon. Before he can approach Gideon, he has to come to
terms with and apologize for a past betrayal of his professor.
Daniel confronts his feelings and apologizes to Gideon. Daniel
tells Gideon everything, and they make a plan to use a very special
Science and Computer Center where his Gideon’s wife has her lab, and
have the people there help them expose Reboot.

Turning Point: Huge
failure / Major shift: Daniel experiences a Major Betrayal that
threatens the goal. Not sure who betrays him yet, but they talk a
dejected Daniel into joining Reboot, and letting them use his Code.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate
expression of the conflict. The stage is set for Nations to vote on
giving sovereignty to a new World Body. The people of the world are
at odds, Nations debate, but Reboot is confident of the outcome.
Their plans are more likely than ever to succeed now because
Daniel is working with them, and they are using Daniel’s Code.
Daniel watches the Heads of State gathering, then leaves the data
center, his work done.

Resolution: The
vote takes place– but the resolution doesn’t pass. Daniel embedded
code into the Reboot platform that rendered it useless. He also
planted a whistle-blower code set to go to every newsroom on the
planet and expose the Reboot Plot and everyone who was a part of
it– from within their own framework. On a street somewhere,
Daniel sees the news. Confident and unafraid, proud of what he
accomplished, he walks away and into a new life.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou. Reason: Unwanted font characters

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Subtext Plots.

MY VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process, I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!

What I learned doing this assignment is that a lot of the choices for Subtext Plots seemed relevant to my story, so I had to really think about which two had the most apparent potential to create subtext throughout the story.

Concept: When a psychologically damaged genius invents a new mode of hacking & stumbles upon a plot to trick the nations of the world into giving up their sovereignty, he pushes himself to embark on the impossible– to somehow warn a world where no one can be trusted, while an omnipresent network of AI hunts him down.

I’m choosing ‘Layering’ and ‘Fish out of Water’ as my Subtext Plots,

I chose ‘Layering’ because it allows for the opportunity to have subtext meaning revealed later in the script, and that fits the type of story. Since this is a story involving a Secret Plot with hidden elements and alliances to be revealed later in the script, a Layering Subtext Plot will help me develop that underbelly and hopefully intrigue the audience with hints that will only be fully realized toward the end.

I am choosing ‘Fish Out of Water’ because Daniel is and has always been an outsider who people have reactions to that they tend to hide. He is a genius with psychological issues that make people uncomfortable. Some people think he’s dangerous, but when he is brought in, they have to work with him because it is clear that his contribution is enormous. There is also a layer of subterfuge here that will be covered up by the ‘Fish Out of Water’ reactions, until it becomes clear (Layering) that it was something other than what it appeared.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

MY VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process, I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!

What I learned doing this assignment is how quickly and simply the shape of a story can take form this way.

Daniel’s Transformational Journey

Arc Beginning: Hiding from Life. Confused, Paranoid & Reclusive Hacker

Arc Ending: Confident Scientist who blocks the mind chips and saves the people of the World

3. Give us their Internal/External Journey.

Internal Journey: From terrified and confused to confident, determined and brave.

External Journey: From a 20 something year old recluse hiding from the world, to the brilliant scientist-hacker who averts a disaster for mankind.

4. Tell us their Old Ways at the beginning of the movie and their New Ways at the end.

Old Ways: Fearful, Subject to bouts of scattered thinking, Hiding out, Escaping

New Ways Determined, Confident, Mind open to brilliant, targeted thinking, Brave and unbending for his cause

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Intentional Lead Characters.

MY
VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process,
I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of
love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!

What
I learned doing this assignment is I need to overcome a little fear
that my characters may be wrong if I don’t let them come out through the writing.
My fear and I are now jumping into this process. 😉

Character:
Daniel

Logline:
Daniel is brilliant hacker, but also a compulsive, paranoid recluse who is forced out of his ‘safe cave’ only when he discovers a hidden plot to consolidate world power and trick nations into giving up their
sovereignty.

Unique:
The tension between his intelligence and his emotional responses
creates a unique way of looking at and confronting the of the world
around him, including problem solving.

Character:
Gideon

Logline:
Gideon is a world renowned Quantum Physicist and Professor who was
Daniel’s mentor in Quantum Mechanics. Loved Daniel like the son
he never had, but may betray him.

Unique:
A down to earth academic and renaissance man who maintains a deep
fascination with the universe and everything in it.

Character:
Johanna:

Logline:
Johanna is a Fusion Physicist married to Gideon, past professor to
Daniel, jealous of Daniel’s relationship to Gideon.

Unique:
Brilliant, Complicated, Enigmatic, Powerful Woman. Where Gideon
delights in the mysteries of the Universe, Johanna fears them and
wants to control them.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou. Reason: Unwanted font characters
• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Title, Concept and Character Structure

MY VISION: By nurturing fun and curiosity in the writing process, I will do my very best to create a successful writing career full of love, full of awe, full of productivity, and full of joy!

What I learned doing this assignment is how nice and easy productive 1st steps can be.

Title: The Supremacy Code

Concept: When a psychologically
damaged genius invents a new mode of hacking, and stumbles upon a
plot to trick the nations of the world into giving up their
sovereignty, he pushes himself to embark on the impossible– to somehow
warn a world where no one can be trusted, while an omnipresent
network of AI hunts him down.

CHARACTER STRUCTURE: Dramatic Triangle

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou. Reason: My Font codes were showing everywhere. Kind of distracting lol

[Maureen Tilyou]

I, Maureen Tilyou agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Challenging Situations

What I’ve Learned that is improving my writing:

I know this is long, but I really want to share how awesome this experience was for me. The script I am working on is an Action script, so I had already designed it to be choc-a-bloc full of life threatening, sometimes over-the-top obstacles, impediments and complications that seriously challenged the protagonist. So it was very hard for me, at first, to go through and find scenes without challenges. Instead of doing this exercise with another script that may be easier to use, I decided to go deeper, and find challenges to the aspects of character defined in this Lesson (Goals/Needs/Values/Wound/Physical) that I had not yet used within the scenes, or where I needed to find ways.to better embody in the script.

I am working from a detailed treatment, turning it into a script. Scene A below is a scene that I was not at all confident about creating to script. I was completely avoiding it. That changed in doing the work of this Lesson 12 and also Lesson 11. I had already layered many of the critical elements into the treatment descriptively, but I still hadn’t resolved how to use them to give real life to the scene. That is sometimes a long struggle for me-which I had always kind of took for granted as just being part of the work. But when I focused on defining Characters Traits, Character Subtext and Challenging Situations, it was beyond amazing how it all suddenly sprung to life. All at once, I understood how these characters are talking and engaging with each other, and why. The inner lives of the characters are no longer descriptive states of being in my mind, they vibrate with life and are actively engaged with the world. I am in the middle of writing this scene, and now it’s a huge pleasure. I’m not struggling to figure out different points of view throughout the scene in order to get words on paper. Dialogue and active character responses are springing up fully formed from the traits, subtexts and challenging situations. This is truly, truly a game changer for me! Thank you!

Scene 1:
A. Current Scene Logline: After a near fatal disaster during the dive, Matt and Gordo take clients Dave and Abe to their favorite haunt for dinner and much needed drinks in order to escape their pent up stress.

B. Essence: Matt needs to restabilize after his PTSD triggering actions to save Dave’s life.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges:

Hero-worship talk about his actions challenges his “forget the past’ GOAL, and his NEED to escape from the day, making him drink more ( PHYSICAL CHALLENGE); His VALUE of Disentanglement is challenged by his budding connection to Dave and Abe. His greater VALUES are challenged when they ask him to help them smuggle pot. His WOUND of managed PTSD continues to be challenged by Dave and Abe’s recounting of Matt’s life saving actions in the previous scene; his WOUND of his son’s death is challenged by the Filipino beggar kids who hang around the restaurant and play soccer outside. And yet Matt seeks out the kids’ company because Matt has learned to transform his pain through connection with them- especially one boy, Biyani. The boys help him find hope. Matt is PHYSICALLY challenged when he plays soccer against these kids with their boundless energy. I am using all these challenges in the scene.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.

I am using the Challenges here to plumb aspects of the character and situation that I had not thought to challenge in this scene previously (GOAL-forget the past, VALUE- distanglement, WOUND- Brothers recounting PTSD triggering heroic story, PHYSICAL- out of shape-playing soccer with boys) as well as to add focus to the challenges that I already have in the scene (NEED- escape, VALUE- Not Smuggle Pot, PHYSICAL- drinking, WOUND – son’s death, relationship with Biyani),

Scene 2:

A. Current Scene Logline: After hours of relentless pursuit by both Filipino police and mystery operatives trying to kill him, fugitive Matt swims out of the water miles upriver from his previous escape, and seeks desperately needed sleep in a children’s playground.

B. Essence: There is no real rest for Matt. He is being pursued by demons from without and within.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

— PHYSICAL Challenge: Matt who has been abusing his body with alcohol and lack of exercise, is exhausted to the point of near-drowning, but he has to wait in the water until the families leave the playground. Once that happens he has to drag himself to shore and safety.

— GOAL and NEED Challenges:

– Someone sees him in the water, challenging his GOAL of escape and his NEED to stay alive.

– Someone catches a glimpse of Matt in the water, and he has to submerge.

– A Policeman spots Man coming out of the water and gives chase.

– A Search Heliocopter spots Matt in the water and calls it in, creating a massive convergence of forces on the scene

– Terrorist infiltrators in the police send their assasins to get Matt before the police get there.

I am combining and using the first 3 of the above challenges. The first 3 are already used in previoous scenes and don’t fit this scenes role in the script. The ‘Out of Shape’ challenge will continue to be a Challenge for Matt going forward, and will benefit from layering in this scene

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.

I am going to open the scene with Matt peeking through the reeds and other foliage, massively exhausted and struggling to stay afloat but close to slipping under water. Someone sees him, and he has to submerge. Will he come up? When he comes out of the water after the park is clear, his exhaustion and the lack of the physical conditioning he needs to survive needs to be palpable.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Inherently Dramatic Characters:

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that by putting character traits and subtexts on paper and refining them in harmony with the essence and vision of the story and their roles in it, they come alive and begin to act and speak in much more real and satisfying ways.

CHARACTER: MATT (MAIN CHARACTER)

MATT BEFORE:

Description: Bitter and Broken Ex-Navy Seal who dropped out of his American life after the death of his son and the break down of his marriage. Now captaining a small dive and salvage boat in the Philippines.

Core Traits: Broken, Bitter, Resourceful, Loyal

Main Subtext: Avoid emotional pain at all costs.

MATT AFTER:

Description: Bitter and Broken Ex-Pat, Ex-Navy Seal who dropped out of his life at home after the death of his son and the breakdown of his marriage, now captaining a small dive and salvage boat in the Philippines.

Core Traits: Protective, Determined, Loyal, Resourceful, Brave, Wounded, Retaliatory.

Subtext: Beneath an amiable ‘keep it light’ exterior, Matt vigilantly threat-assesses the world and the people around him.

CHARACTER: ALYSSE (MATT’S ESTRANGED WIFE)

ALYSSE BEFORE:

Description: Attractive, practical wife and mother, angry with Matt because he let her down when she needed him.

Core Traits: Protective, Disappointed, Judgemental, Angry

Subtext: Make Matt hurt until he understands how he hurt me.

ALYSSE AFTER:

Description: Fiercely protective and caring mother who is deeply disappointed in the husband she loved, and blames him for not being strong enough to fix everything after they lost their son.

Core Traits: Caring, Protective, Disappointed, Blaming, Reactive

Subtext: She still loves Matt, but she must not let him see that.

CHARACTER: GORDIE

GORDIE BEFORE:

Description: Fun-loving, pot smoking slob who works for Matt.

Core Traits: Lazy, Indolent, Funny, Bumbling, Capable

Subtext: None

GORDIE AFTER:

Description: Fun-loving wanderer with entertaining stories of his many adventures. Highly capable, yet bumbling, he works with Matt and keeps him laughing- which Matt needs and appreciates.

Core Traits: Fun-loving, Escapist Adventurer, Indolent, Capable

Subtext: Uses humor to manipulate situations and conversations away from anything uncomfortable or deep.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Rewritten Scene for Critique:

Logline: Two Attorneys, Old friends, play cat and mouse when they find themselves on opposite sides of a case.

Essence: A Man reminds an old friend of his true values.

INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Well dressed and High Powered Attorney, JOHN KENT, sits alone pouring over court filings and other paperwork, making notes.

INT. ADJOURNING ROOM

NICK DICILLO, Prosecutor, on the other side of a one way glass, studies John closely.

FOOTSTEPS approach. District Attorney, ALLEN CRENSHAW, stands slightly behind Nick and watches John through the glass.

CRENSHAW

This is a curve.

NICK

I can handle it.

CRENSHAW

Can you?

NICK

I know his weaknesses.

CRENSHAW

He knows yours.

NICK

Don’t even think about taking me off this case, Allen. Thanks to you, I’ve got too much at stake here.

Crenshaw looks him over. Nods. Nick steps past him and into

INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

John looks up as the door opens and Nick walks in with a big smile, and makes a show of closing the curtain in front of the two way glass as he talks.

NICK

Well, well. Who have we here? The famous John Kent, Attorney at Law. Big fish parachuting once again into a small pond.

JOHN

It’s been a while, Nick. Are you just here to needle me, or is this your case?

Nick shuts off the mic between the rooms.

NICK

You can cut the crap, Johnny. I think you know it’s my case.

JOHN

Guilty.

NICK

So why are you here?

JOHN

To defend my client.

Nick sits down and crosses his arms, studying John.

NICK

Yeah, see that’s what I don’t get. ~Why this client? I don’t see anything in this for you.

JOHN

I have my reasons. Primary among them is that she’s innocent.

Nick laughs.

NICK

Really? That must be a first for you. I mean, if it were true, which it’s not.

John shrugs amicably.

JOHN

Come-on, Nick. You’ve got nothing. Janet Maynard is a 60 year old woman trying to do her job. Look at your own State Laws. Nothing she’s done could even remotely be deemed wrongdoing.

Nick picks up the charge documents with a calculated chuckle.

NICK

No wrongdoing, huh? Here are five felonies she’s committed ‘just doing her job.’ So says a Grand Jury.

JOHN

The Grand Jury was a lousy rubber stamp. You and Crenshaw set the bar so low they had no choice but to indict.

NICK

Sometimes that’s how it works, Councilor. Or have you forgotten?

John studies Nick’s face, looking for something.

JOHN

I see you still haven’t.

NICK

Not likely.

John shrugs.

JOHN

So, you’re right. I’ve used my share of dirty tricks. That was me. It was how I operated. And it cost me.

(meeting Nick’s eyes)

But it was never you.

NICK

Please spare me the pandering.

JOHN

What happened, Nick? Where did all those big ideals go? You and Alyssa were going to change the world.

NICK

The world didn’t want changing. And Alyssa… Lyssa went home to you every night, so…

JOHN

She left me eventually.

NICK

The scales pealed from her eyes, I guess.

JOHN

Yea. Mine too, ironically. I’m not built for relationships. I push people away.

Beat. Nick loosens his tie.

NICK

Ok, this somewhat maudlin trip down Memory Lane isn’t getting us anywhere. My advice to you is to get on the next plane back to your cushy life. Believe me, this case isn’t going to go well for you or the defendant.

JOHN

You’ve already got it all tied up in a tidy bow, do you? Convenient.

NICK

I’m trying to do you a favor here, Johnny. This is a local issue. Leave it to us. It’s out of your wheelhouse.

JOHN

(ignoring him)

You know, on the way over here I was thinking about the last time I was in town. We had lunch.

NICK

Can we just stick to the case?

JOHN

You were full of piss and vinegar that day. You bored me to tears about how you loved your job… Sure, about the bad guys you put away, but mostly you talked about the victims. Getting them justice. How that’s what made the job worthwhile.

NICK

It still is.

JOHN

Is it? You know what else I remember from that day? Crenshaw had been elected about 6 months before, and you were not happy. Something stunk, you said, and you were going to get to the bottom of it.

NICK

Yeah. Big talk. Nothing there.

JOHN

Come-on, Nick. That stink didn’t just go away, did it?

NICK

Crickets. It was all in my head.

JOHN

Was it? Janet Maynard is an innocent woman. A brave woman. She smelled that same stink, and she did something about it.

NICK

Yeah. Something illegal. No one’s innocent these days, John. You know that as well as I do.

JOHN

No, Nick. I don’t. I think your brain has gotten muddied up. I think either you can’t see what’s right in front of your face, or you’re mixed up in it.

Nick spins at John, enraged.

NICK

(yelling)

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE-

(Tosses the chair between them across the room, moves closer)

-COMING IN HERE LIKE SOME KIND OF MISGUIDED CRUSADER. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE!!

The Court Guard comes in, concerned.

NICK

WE’RE FINE! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

The guard exits. Nick struggles to collect himself.

NICK

What the hell are you trying to do?

JOHN

I’m trying to get justice for my client.

NICK

By implying corruption in the DA’s office? Not a good tactic.

JOHN

No. Not if I were appealing to a man like Crenshaw… But I’m not. I’m appealing to you.

NICK

To me?

JOHN

Yeah. Alysse called and asked me-

Nick turns and glares at John.

NICK

You really are a slime! Dragging Lyssa into this just to get to me. ~

John steps back and examines Nick’s face, seemingly stunned.

JOHN

You actually haven’t done your homework, have you? I didn’t have to drag Lyssie into this. She’s all in. That’s her Aunt your corrupt department is setting up.

NICK

What?

JOHN

Yeah. Her Aunt whose house she slept in as a kid, whose kids she played with, who she loves.

(watching Nick closely)

You know, she was so happy when she heard you were prosecuting this case.

NICK

Why?

JOHN

Look at it from her point of view. She loves you both. And she knows two things- her Aunt is innocent, and you are an honorable man who respects the truth.

He picks up the overturned chair and sits in it.

JOHN

…Of course, she doesn’t know that things have changed for you. Does she?

Nick turns away and looks out the window.

JOHN

Janet Maynard confided in Alyssa through it all. Lessie was her sounding board. She knows every step her Aunt took, and why.

John gathers his things.

JOHN

There’s no doubt this is a political lynching, Nick. The only question is what are you going to do about it.

The door opens and Crenshaw comes in.

CRENSHAW

What the hell’s going on here? The guard said there was trouble.

JOHN

We’re good, Mr District Attorney. We’re just finishing up.

Crenshaw ignores John and addresses Nick, still at the window.

CRENSHAW

Nick? What’s going on?

Nick turns from the window and moves to the table, without acknowledging Crenshaw. He pulls a piece of paper out of a pile, and writes something on it.

CRENSHAW

I’m talking to you, Nick. Have you got something to say to me?

NICK

Yes, I do. My friend, John, here, has brought me some clarity. This place stinks to high heaven and I need to get the whiff off me. So… I quit. Effective immediately.

(handing the paper to John)

Here. You’d better give this to him yourself.

John looks down at the paper as Nick walks toward the door.

JOHN

It’ll be a pleasure.

CRENSHAW

You can’t quit.

NICK

Of course I can. I just did.

John hands Crenshaw the paper.

JOHN

It appears I have a new witness for the defense.

CRENSHAW

(to Nick)

You’ll loose your license over this. I’ll make sure of it. We’ll never let you testify.

NICK

Maybe, not, but we’ll have a good fight. Won’t we, John?

JOHN

Without a doubt, my friend. Without a doubt.

They walk out together.

Crenshaw stands stunned for a moment, then lets out a LONG EXPLETIVE OF PRIMAL RAGE.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s Scene 2 Rewritten for Feedback:

Logline: Two old friends play cat and mouse when they find themselves on opposite sides of a case.

Essence: A Man reminds his friend of his true values.

——-

INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Well dressed and High Powered Attorney, JOHN KENT, sits alone pouring over court filings and other paperwork, making notes.

INT. ADJOURNING ROOM

NICK DICILLO, Prosecutor, on the other side of a one way glass, studies John closely.

FOOTSTEPS approach. District Attorney, ALLEN CRENSHAW, stands slightly behind Nick and watches John through the glass.

CRENSHAW

This is a curve.

NICK

I can handle it.

CRENSHAW

Can you?

NICK

I know his weaknesses.

CRENSHAW

He knows yours.

NICK

Don’t even think about taking me off this case, Allen. Thanks to you, I’ve got too much at stake here.

Crenshaw looks him over. Nods. Nick steps past him and into

INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

John looks up as the door opens and Nick walks in with a big smile, and makes a show of closing the curtain in front of the two way glass as he talks.

NICK

Well, well. Who have we here? The famous John Kent, Attorney at Law. Big fish parachuting once again into a small pond.

JOHN

It’s been a while, Nick. Are you just here to needle me, or is this your case?

Nick shuts off the mic between the rooms.

NICK

You can cut the crap, Johnny. I think you know it’s my case.

JOHN

Guilty.

NICK

So why are you here?

JOHN

To defend my client.

Nick sits down and crosses his arms, studying John.

NICK

Yeah, see that’s what I don’t get. ~Why this client? I don’t see anything in this for you.

JOHN

I have my reasons. Primary among them is that she’s innocent.

Nick laughs.

NICK

Really? That must be a first for you. I mean, if it were true, which it’s not.

John shrugs amicably.

JOHN

Come-on, Nick. You’ve got nothing. Janet Maynard is a 60 year old woman trying to do her job. Look at your own State Laws. Nothing she’s done could even remotely be deemed wrongdoing.

Nick picks up the charge documents with a calculated chuckle.

NICK

No wrongdoing, huh? Here are five felonies she’s committed ‘just doing her job.’ So says a Grand Jury.

JOHN

The Grand Jury was a lousy rubber stamp. You and Crenshaw set the bar so low they had no choice but to indict.

NICK

Sometimes that’s how it works, Councilor. Or have you forgotten?

John studies Nick’s face, looking for something.

JOHN

I see you still haven’t.

NICK

Not likely.

John shrugs.

JOHN

So, you’re right. I’ve used my share of dirty tricks. That was me. It was how I operated. And it cost me.

(meeting Nick’s eyes)

But it was never you.

NICK

Please spare me the pandering.

JOHN

What happened, Nick? Where did all those big ideals go? You and Alyssa were going to change the world.

NICK

The world didn’t want changing. And Alyssa… Lyssa went home to you every night, so…

JOHN

She left me eventually.

NICK

The scales pealed from her eyes, I guess.

JOHN

Yea. Mine too, ironically. I’m not built for relationships. I push people away.

Beat. Nick loosens his tie.

NICK

Ok, this somewhat maudlin trip down Memory Lane isn’t getting us anywhere. My advice to you is to get on the next plane back to your cushy life. Believe me, this case isn’t going to go well for you or the defendant.

JOHN

You’ve already got it all tied up in a tidy bow, do you? Convenient.

NICK

I’m trying to do you a favor here, Johnny. This is a local issue. Leave it to us. It’s out of your wheelhouse.

JOHN

(ignoring him)

You know, on the way over here I was thinking about the last time I was in town. We had lunch.

NICK

Can we just stick to the case?

JOHN

You were full of piss and vinegar that day. You bored me to tears about how you loved your job… Sure, about the bad guys you put away, but mostly you talked about the victims. Getting them justice. How that’s what made the job worthwhile.

NICK

It still is.

JOHN

Is it? You know what else I remember from that day? Crenshaw had been elected about 6 months before, and you were not happy. Something stunk, you said, and you were going to get to the bottom of it.

NICK

Yeah. Big talk. Nothing there.

JOHN

Come-on, Nick. That stink didn’t just go away, did it?

NICK

Crickets. It was all in my head.

JOHN

Was it? Janet Maynard is an innocent woman. A brave woman. She smelled that same stink, and she did something about it.

NICK

Yeah. Something illegal. No one’s innocent these days, John. You know that as well as I do.

JOHN

No, Nick. I don’t. I think your brain has gotten muddied up. I think either you can’t see what’s right in front of your face, or you’re mixed up in it.

Nick spins at John, enraged.

NICK

(yelling)

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE-

(Tosses the chair between them across the room, moves closer)

-COMING IN HERE LIKE SOME KIND OF MISGUIDED CRUSADER. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE!!

The Court Guard comes in, concerned.

NICK

WE’RE FINE! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

The guard exits. Nick struggles to collect himself.

NICK

What the hell are you trying to do?

JOHN

I’m trying to get justice for my client.

NICK

By implying corruption in the DA’s office? Not a good tactic.

JOHN

No. Not if I were appealing to a man like Crenshaw… But I’m not. I’m appealing to you.

NICK

To me?

JOHN

Yeah. Alysse called and asked me-

Nick turns and glares at John.

NICK

You really are a slime! Dragging Lyssa into this just to get to me. ~

John steps back and examines Nick’s face, seemingly stunned.

JOHN

You actually haven’t done your homework, have you? I didn’t have to drag Lyssie into this. She’s all in. That’s her Aunt your corrupt department is setting up.

NICK

What?

JOHN

Yeah. Her Aunt whose house she slept in as a kid, whose kids she played with, who she loves.

(watching Nick closely)

You know, she was so happy when she heard you were prosecuting this case.

NICK

Why?

JOHN

Look at it from her point of view. She loves you both. And she knows two things- her Aunt is innocent, and you are an honorable man who respects the truth.

He picks up the overturned chair and sits in it.

JOHN

…Of course, she doesn’t know that things have changed for you. Does she?

Nick turns away and looks out the window.

JOHN

Janet Maynard confided in Alyssa through it all. Lessie was her sounding board. She knows every step her Aunt took, and why.

John gathers his things.

JOHN

There’s no doubt this is a political lynching, Nick. The only question is what are you going to do about it.

The door opens and Crenshaw comes in.

CRENSHAW

What the hell’s going on here? The guard said there was trouble.

JOHN

We’re good, Mr District Attorney. We’re just finishing up.

Crenshaw ignores John and addresses Nick, still at the window.

CRENSHAW

Nick? What’s going on?

Nick turns from the window and moves to the table, without acknowledging Crenshaw. He pulls a piece of paper out of a pile, and writes something on it.

CRENSHAW

I’m talking to you, Nick. Have you got something to say to me?

NICK

Yes, I do. My friend, John, here, has brought me some clarity. This place stinks to high heaven and I need to get the whiff off me. So… I quit. Effective immediately.

(handing the paper to John)

Here. You’d better give this to him yourself.

John looks down at the paper as Nick walks toward the door.

JOHN

It’ll be a pleasure.

CRENSHAW

You can’t quit.

NICK

Of course I can. I just did.

John hands Crenshaw the paper.

JOHN

It appears I have a new witness for the defense.

CRENSHAW

(to Nick)

You’ll loose your license over this. I’ll make sure of it. We’ll never let you testify.

NICK

Maybe, not, but we’ll have a good fight. Won’t we, John?

JOHN

Without a doubt, my friend. Without a doubt.

They walk out together.

Crenshaw stands stunned for a moment, then lets out a LONG EXPLETIVE OF PRIMAL RAGE.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen’s 2d QE Scne – FIrst Draft

LOGLINE: Old Friends play cat and mouse as they find themselves pitted against each other as a legal case begins.

ESSENCE: John pushes a compromised Nick to remember his true values.

SCENE:

INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Well dressed and High Powered Attorney, JOHN KENT, sits alone pouring over court filings and other paperwork, making notes.

INT. ADJOINING ROOM- CONTINUOUS

NICK DICILLO, Prosecutor, on the other side of a one way glass, studies John closely.

FOOTSTEPS approach. District Attorney, ALLEN CRENSHAW, stands slightly behind Nick and watches John through the glass.

CRENSHAW

This is a curve.

NICK

I can handle it.

CRENSHAW

Can you?

NICK

I know his weaknesses.

CRENSHAW

He knows yours.

NICK

Don’t even think about taking me off this case, Allen. Thanks to you, I’ve got too much at stake here.

Crenshaw looks him over. Nods. Nick steps past him and into

INT. COURT INTERROGATION / CONFERENCE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

John looks up as the door opens and Nick walks in with a big smile.

NICK

Well, well. Who have we here?

(Closing the curtain in front of the two way glass)

The famous John Kent, Attorney at Law. Big fish parachuting once again into a small pond.

JOHN

It’s been a while, Nick. Are you just here to needle me, or is this your case?

Nick shuts off the mic between the rooms.

NICK

You can cut the crap, Johnny. I think you know it’s my case.

JOHN

Guilty.

NICK

So why are you here?

JOHN

To defend my client.

NICK

Why this client?

JOHN

I have my reasons. Primary among them is that she’s innocent.

NICK

Really? That must be a first for you. I mean, if it were true, which it’s not.

JOHN

Come-on, Nick. You’ve got nothing. Janet Maynard is a 60 year old woman trying to do her job. Look at your own State Laws. Nothing she’s done can even remotely be deemed wrongdoing.

Nick picks up the charge documents.

NICK

No wrongdoing? There are five felonies she’s committed ‘just doing her job.’ So says a Grand Jury.

JOHN

The Grand Jury was a lousy rubber stamp. You and Crenshaw set the bar so low they had no choice but to indict.

NICK

Sometimes that’s how it works, Councilor. Or have you forgotten?

JOHN

Score one for the Prosecution. Ok. I’ve done my share of dirty tricks. That was me. And I paid for it. But it wasn’t you.

NICK

Please spare me the pandering.

JOHN

What happened, Nick? Where did all those big ideals go? You and Alyssa were going to change the world.

NICK

The world didn’t want changing. And Alyssa… Lyssa went home to you every night, so…

JOHN

She left me eventually.

NICK

The scales pealed from her eyes, I guess.

JOHN

Yea. Mine too, ironically. I’m not built for relationships. I push people away.

Beat.

NICK

Ok, this somewhat maudlin trip down Memory Lane isn’t getting us anywhere. My advice to you is to get on the next plane back to your cushy life. Believe me, this case isn’t going to go well for you or the defendant.

JOHN

(ignoring him)

You know, on the way over here I was thinking about the last time I was in town. We had lunch.

NICK

Can we just stick to the case?

JOHN

You were full of piss and vinegar that day. You bored me to tears about how you loved your job… Sure, about the bad guys you put away, but mostly you talked about the victims. Getting them justice. How that’s what made the job worthwhile.

NICK

It still is.

JOHN

You know what else I remember from that day? Crenshaw had been elected about 6 months before, and you were not happy. Something stunk, you said, and you were going to get to the bottom of it.

NICK

Yeah. Big talk. Nothing there.

JOHN

Come-on, Nick. That stink didn’t just go away, did it?

NICK

I was wrong. It was all in my head.

JOHN

Was it? Janet Maynard is an innocent woman. A brave woman. She smelled that same stink, and she did something about it.

NICK

Yeah. Something illegal. No one’s innocent these days, John. You know that as well as I do.

JOHN

No, Nick. I don’t. I think your brain has gotten muddied up. I think either you can’t see what’s right in front of your face, or you’re mixed up in it.

Nick spins at John, enraged.

NICK

(yelling loudly)

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE-

(kicks a chair over)

-COMING IN HERE LIKE SOME KIND OF MISGUIDED CRUSADER-

The Court Guard comes in, concerned.

NICK

WE’RE FINE! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

The guard exits. Nick tries to collect himself.

NICK

What the hell are you trying to do?

JOHN

I’m trying to get justice for my client.

NICK

By implying corruption in the DA’s office? Not a good tactic.

JOHN

No. Not if I were appealing to Crenshaw… But I’m appealing to you.

NICK

To me?

JOHN

Yeah. Alysse called and asked me-

Nick turns and glares at John.

NICK

You really are a slime! Dragging Lyssa into this just to get to me.

John leans back in his seat, seemingly stunned.

JOHN

You really haven’t done your homework, have you? I didn’t have to drag Lyssie into this. She’s all in. That’s her Aunt your corrupt department is setting up.

NICK

What?

JOHN

Her Aunt whose house she slept in, whose kids she played with, who she loves.

(watching Nick closely)

You know, she was so happy when she heard you were prosecuting the case.

NICK

Why?

JOHN

Look at it from her point of view. She loves you both. And she knows two things- her Aunt is innocent, and you are an honorable man who respects the truth.

He picks up the overturned chair and sits in it.

JOHN

…Of course, she doesn’t know that things have changed for you. Does she?

Nick gets up and looks out the window.

JOHN

Janet Maynard confided in Alyssa through it all. Lessie was her sounding board. She knows every step her Aunt took, and why.

John gathers his things.

JOHN

There’s no doubt this is a political lynching, Nick. The only question is what are you going to do about it.

The door opens and Crenshaw comes in.

CRENSHAW

What the hell’s going on here? The guard said there was trouble.

JOHN

We’re good, Mr District Attorney. We’re just finishing up.

Crenshaw ignores John and addresses Nick, still at the window.

CRENSHAW

Nick? What’s going on?

Nick turns from the window and moves to the table, without acknowledging Crenshaw. He pulls a piece of paper out of a pile, and writes something on it.

CRENSHAW

I’m talking to you, Nick. Have you got something to say to me?

NICK

Yes, I do. My friend, John, here, is right. This place stinks to high heaven and I need to get the whiff off me. So… I quit. Effective immediately.

(handing the paper to John)

Here. You’d better give this to him yourself.

Nick looks down at the paper as Nick walks toward the door.

JOHN

It’ll be a pleasure.

CRENSHAW

You can’t quit.

NICK

Of course I can. I just did.

John hands Crenshaw the paper.

JOHN

It appears I have a new witness for the defense.

CRENSHAW

(to Nick)

You’ll loose your license over this. I’ll make sure of it. We’ll never let you testify.

NICK

Maybe, not, but we’ll have a good fight. Won’t we, John?

JOHN

Without a doubt, my friend. Without a doubt.

They walk out together.

Crenshaw stands stunned for a moment, then lets out a LONG EXPLETIVE OF PRIMAL RAGE.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Everyone,

I’m Maureen from New York, and I’m excited to be joining you all in this class.

I’ve been taking and loving online classes here at Screenwriting U over the last couple of years.

I’ve written 13 screenplays and 1 script for a TV series. I have been away from writing for several years (too many!), but before that I had 3 scripts optioned and worked as a writer for hire on 6 screenplays and the TV script. That sounds like a lot, but it was over time, and all pretty low pay, and low to medium budget projects. One of the writer-for hire screenplays was produced.

Now that I’m writing again, I hope this class will help me elevate my craft.

Best wishes to everyone that we can all achieve that!

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

EXT. A PEACEFUL MOUNTAIN LAKE – SUNSET

– A rowboat rocks gently at a dock. Nocturnal Flowers open their petals for the night.

– A stealthy cat stalks a chipmunk nibbling forgotten crumbs at the edge of the dock. The chipmunk looks up curiously as the SOUND OF LIVE MUSIC floats over from across the lake.

– The cat, focused and now very close, readies to pounce. WHAP! SCREECH! The talons of a HAWK close around the cat and lift. The chipmunk scurries away as the cat is carried up into the darkening sky.

The dock is silent except for the STRAINS OF MUSIC from across the way.

EXT. LUXURY MOUNTAIN RETREAT – CONTINUOUS

MUSIC filters out the gracious double front door. Excited greetings float to and fro as late guests park their cars and drift in under a large banner: CONGRATULATIONS ROB!

INT. LUXURY MOUNTAIN RETREAT – CONTINUOUS

The well-dressed crowd throngs and mingles. A high end wedding band plays a dated Pop song.

ROB, tall, handsome, a charmer, works the crowd, shaking hands, kissing cheeks and fielding complements as he goes.

ROB

Thanks so much… Good to see you, Man!… Ya, such a surprise. I’m so honored… Love that dress!

PASSING SHORT GUY

Congrats, Rob. Hear about Betty?

ROB

I heard the rumor. Hard to believe, but who knows.. If it’s true..

SHORT GUY

(moving on)

There will be consequences.

Rob seems to gloat as he takes a step back to bask in it all- and bumps into someone. He turns-

ROB

So sorry– Wow! You’re here! I never expected-

JULIA

Yet here I am!

They exchange cheek kisses.

ROBERT

Really nice of you to come!

(awkward beat)

I guess I didn’t think you’d ever forgive me.

JULIA

Can’t hold a grudge forever!

She smiles at him, sipping the last of her cocktail.

ROBERT

Let me freshen that up for you.

With an easy finesse, he takes her empty glass, sets it down on the tray of a passing waiter, picks up a new drink and hands it to her with a cocked head.

JULIA

Why thank you!

(sips)

To be completely honest, it took awhile. Forgiving you. You know I had a crush on you. More than a crush, I really had a thing for you. That made it hard.

ROBERT

(genuinely surprised)

Wow! I wished I’d known that. If we’re being honest..

(laughs, embarrassed)

This is tough…I always thought you were out of my league.

JULIA

Talk about cross purposes! Too bad.

ROB

Maybe we can change that.

ACROSS THE ROOM-

TRENT, well built and impeccably dressed, converses with a huddle of people. He sneaks a check in a nearby mirror and straightens his tie.

TRENT

It should go like clockwork. Planned it to the letter. In fact, I need a last minute check with the manager..

He starts across the room and stops, seeing a stunning Woman in red smile at him from near the buffet. He walks over.

TRENT

Evelyn! I didn’t know you were going to be here. I’m chuffed.

EVELYN

Amanda called. Thought I’d want to know. She was right. I wouldn’t miss it for the world!

TRENT

Well, thank you, Amanda.

A couple pass by. The GUY puts a hand on Trent’s shoulder.

GUY

Thanks for footing the bill on this, Man. What a night!

TRENT

No biggy. What’s money for?

GUY

So when’s the real party starting?

TRENT

(flashing his expensive watch)

Another hour to go.

WOMAN

(as they move away)

I’m on pins and needles.

TRENT

Me too.

(stares across at Rob)

Till then, we’ll just have to settle for the pleasure of watching the lamb fatten up for his slaughter.

EVELYN

You’re so naughty!

TRENT

Are you kidding? This guy is such a creep. I’ve wanted his ass forever!

EVELYN

Think he suspects?

TRENT

Not a clue!

EVELYN

Revenge is so sexy, isn’t it?

TRENT

Indeed it is.

Someone bumps them and Trent’s spinach hors d’oeuvre drops on his shirt front.

TRENT

Ugh! Damn! Idiot! I just had this shirt dry cleaned!

EVELYN

Here, let me take care of that.

She picks up a napkin and a bottle of club soda from the buffet bar and, moving in close, goes to work on his shirt.

EVELYN

This feels like old times.

TRENT

So how do I look? Still sexy?

EVELYN

You look succulent enough to just sink my teeth into…

TRENT

Why did we break up?

EVELYN

Should we go someplace where you can take this off, and I can work on it. We have time, don’t we?

TRENT

Sure. Wouldn’t want to show for the big moment with spinach on my shirt.

EVELYN

As opposed to egg on your face?

She smiles, takes his hand and leads him across the room.

INT. PRIVATE STUDY – MOMENTS LATER

The study door opens and Trent and Evelyn enter. Evelyn takes off Trent’s jacket and shirt and discards them pointedly on a table. Trent takes a moment to fix how she draped them, before turning back to Evelyn. Glancing down briefly to admire his bare chest, he spots a drop of spinach on his nipple.

TRENT

Damn! It went right through!

He loos for something to wipe it off. Evelyn stops him.

EVELYN

Please. Allow me.

She licks the spinach off his nipple, giving it a little bite with her teeth.

EVELYN

Mmmmmm. You always did know how to choose a delectable Hors d’oeuvre.

They giggle. She strokes his chest. Her hands travel downward, undoing his belt. Continuing downward…

As Trent closes his eyes and groans, she steals a quick glance at his watch…

EVELYN

(purring)

Oooouuu, it’s time. Come to Mama.

They kiss hungrily, going at each other, clothes flying.

Evelyn pushes Trent up against the wall-

A false panel turns, spinning them into-

INT. A MINI STADIUM ROOM WITH A FIGHT RING – CONTINUOUS

A huge room with a ring in the middle and entrances on three sides. A crowd cheers as Evelyn and a stupefied Trent, now in his tightie whities, appear through the false door. Evelyn deftly sidesteps through a gate in the fence and joins the crowd, who all hold cattle prods. Someone gives her one.

TRENT

What the f- But it’s not time yet!

EVELYN

We pushed the schedule up a bit.

TRENT

But Rob- he’s not even here!

Rob springs through a similar door across the room making out with Julie, who follows Evelyn’s lead and joins the crowd retrieving her cattle-prod.

Rob looks around at all the guests at the party, hooting and catcalling. He tries to get back into the room but the door has closed. He tries to follow Julie, but several cattle prods push him toward the middle of the rink.

Trent paces around the circle- a caged animal, wild angry eyes make contact with all the faces who were playing him up earlier, anger building with every set of eyeballs he meets.

Rob sees Trent’s rage and backs up into a cattle prod.

ROB

Aghhhh!

A primal scream wells up inside Trent and releases itself. His movement around the circle suddenly shifts toward-

POV ROB

As the raging red-faced hulk that is Trent races toward him and torpedos into his face with a WACK!

FADE TO BLACK as FIGHT AND CATCALLS SOUNDTRACK CONTINUES OVER END CREDITS

[Maureen Tilyou]

EXT. A PEACEFUL MOUNTAIN LAKE – SUNSET

– A rowboat rocks gently at a dock. Nocturnal Flowers open their petals for the night.

– A stealthy cat stalks a chipmunk nibbling forgotten crumbs at the edge of the dock. The chipmunk looks up curiously as the SOUND OF LIVE MUSIC floats over from across the lake.

– The cat, focused and now very close, readies to pounce. WHAP! SCREECH! The talons of a HAWK close around the cat and lift. The chipmunk scurries away as the cat is carried up into the darkening sky.

The dock is silent except for the STRAINS OF MUSIC from across the way.

EXT. LUXURY MOUNTAIN RETREAT – CONTINUOUS

MUSIC filters out the gracious double front door. Excited greetings float to and fro as late guests park their cars and drift in under a large banner: CONGRATULATIONS ROB!

INT. LUXURY MOUNTAIN RETREAT – CONTINUOUS

The well-dressed crowd throngs and mingles. A high end wedding band plays a dated Pop song.

ROB, tall, handsome, a charmer, works the crowd, shaking hands, kissing cheeks and fielding complements as he goes.

ROB

Thanks so much… Good to see you, Man!… Ya, such a surprise. I’m so honored… Love that dress!

PASSING SHORT GUY

Congrats, Rob. Hear about Betty?

ROB

I heard the rumor. Hard to believe, but who knows.. If it’s true..

SHORT GUY

(moving on)

There will be consequences.

Rob seems to gloat as he takes a step back to bask in it all- and bumps into someone. He turns-

ROB

So sorry– Wow! You’re here! I never expected-

JULIA

Yet here I am!

They exchange cheek kisses.

ROBERT

Really nice of you to come!

(awkward beat)

I guess I didn’t think you’d ever forgive me.

JULIA

Can’t hold a grudge forever!

She smiles at him, sipping the last of her cocktail.

ROBERT

Let me freshen that up for you.

With an easy finesse, he takes her empty glass, sets it down on the tray of a passing waiter, picks up a new drink and hands it to her with a cocked head.

JULIA

Why thank you!

(sips)

To be completely honest, it took awhile. Forgiving you. You know I had a crush on you. More than a crush, I really had a thing for you. That made it hard.

ROBERT

(genuinely surprised)

Wow! I wished I’d known that. If we’re being honest..

(laughs, embarrassed)

This is tough…I always thought you were out of my league.

JULIA

Talk about cross purposes! Too bad.

ROB

Maybe we can change that.

ACROSS THE ROOM-

TRENT, well built and impeccably dressed, converses with a huddle of people. He sneaks a check in a nearby mirror and straightens his tie.

TRENT

It should go like clockwork. Planned it to the letter. In fact, I need a last minute check with the manager..

He starts across the room and stops, seeing a stunning Woman in red smile at him from near the buffet. He walks over.

TRENT

Evelyn! I didn’t know you were going to be here. I’m chuffed.

EVELYN

Amanda called. Thought I’d want to know. She was right. I wouldn’t miss it for the world!

TRENT

Well, thank you, Amanda.

A couple pass by. The GUY puts a hand on Trent’s shoulder.

GUY

Thanks for footing the bill on this, Man. What a night!

TRENT

No biggy. What’s money for?

GUY

So when’s the real party starting?

TRENT

(flashing his expensive watch)

Another hour to go.

WOMAN

(as they move away)

I’m on pins and needles.

TRENT

Me too.

(stares across at Rob)

Till then, we’ll just have to settle for the pleasure of watching the lamb fatten up for his slaughter.

EVELYN

You’re so naughty!

TRENT

Are you kidding? This guy is such a creep. I’ve wanted his ass forever!

EVELYN

Think he suspects?

TRENT

Not a clue!

EVELYN

Revenge is so sexy, isn’t it?

TRENT

Indeed it is.

Someone bumps them and Trent’s spinach hors d’oeuvre drops on his shirt front.

TRENT

Ugh! Damn! Idiot! I just had this shirt dry cleaned!

EVELYN

Here, let me take care of that.

She picks up a napkin and a bottle of club soda from the buffet bar and, moving in close, goes to work on his shirt.

EVELYN

This feels like old times.

TRENT

So how do I look? Still sexy?

EVELYN

You look succulent enough to just sink my teeth into…

TRENT

Why did we break up?

EVELYN

Should we go someplace where you can take this off, and I can work on it. We have time, don’t we?

TRENT

Sure. Wouldn’t want to show for the big moment with spinach on my shirt.

EVELYN

As opposed to egg on your face?

She smiles, takes his hand and leads him across the room.

INT. PRIVATE STUDY – MOMENTS LATER

The study door opens and Trent and Evelyn enter. Evelyn takes off Trent’s jacket and shirt and discards them pointedly on a table. Trent takes a moment to fix how she draped them, before turning back to Evelyn. Glancing down briefly to admire his bare chest, he spots a drop of spinach on his nipple.

TRENT

Damn! It went right through!

He looks for something to wipe it off. Evelyn stops him.

EVELYN

Please. Allow me.

She licks the spinach off his nipple, giving it a little bite with her teeth.

EVELYN

Mmmmmm. You always did know how to choose a delectable Hors d’oeuvre.

They giggle. She strokes his chest. Her hands travel downward, undoing his belt. Continuing downward…

As Trent closes his eyes and groans, she steals a quick glance at his watch…

EVELYN

(purring)

Oooouuu, it’s time. Come to Mama.

They kiss hungrily, going at each other, clothes flying.

Evelyn pushes Trent up against the wall-

A false panel turns, spinning them into-

INT. A MINI STADIUM ROOM WITH A FIGHT RING – CONTINUOUS

A huge room with a ring in the middle and entrances on three sides. A crowd cheers as Evelyn and a stupefied Trent, now in his tightie whities, appear through the false door. Evelyn deftly sidesteps through a gate in the fence and joins the crowd, who all hold cattle prods. Someone gives her one.

TRENT

What the f- But it’s not time yet!

EVELYN

We pushed the schedule up a bit.

TRENT

But Rob- he’s not even here!

Rob springs through a similar door across the room making out with Julie, who follows Evelyn’s lead and joins the crowd retrieving her cattle-prod.

Rob looks around at all the guests at the party, hooting and catcalling. He tries to get back into the room but the door has closed. He tries to follow Julie, but several cattle prods push him toward the middle of the rink.

Trent paces around the circle- a caged animal, wild angry eyes make contact with all the faces who were playing him up earlier, anger building with every set of eyeballs he meets.

Rob sees Trent’s rage and backs up into a cattle prod.

ROB

Aghhhh!

A primal scream wells up inside Trent and releases itself. His movement around the circle suddenly shifts toward-

POV ROB

As the raging red-faced hulk that is Trent races toward him and torpedos into his face with a WACK!

FADE TO BLACK as FIGHT AND CATCALLS SOUNDTRACK CONTINUES OVER END CREDITS

[Maureen Tilyou]

EXT. A PEACEFUL MOUNTAIN LAKE – SUNSET

– A rowboat rocks gently at a dock. Nocturnal Flowers open their petals for the night.

– A stealthy cat stalks a chipmunk nibbling forgotten crumbs at the edge of the dock. The chipmunk looks up curiously as the SOUND OF LIVE MUSIC floats over from across the lake.

– The cat, focused and now very close, readies to pounce. WHAP! SCREECH! The talons of a HAWK close around the cat and lift. The chipmunk scurries away as the cat is carried up into the darkening sky.

The dock is silent except for the STRAINS OF MUSIC from across the way.

EXT. LUXURY MOUNTAIN RETREAT – CONTINUOUS

MUSIC filters out the gracious double front door. Excited greetings float to and fro as late guests park their cars and drift in under a large banner: CONGRATULATIONS ROB!

INT. LUXURY MOUNTAIN RETREAT – CONTINUOUS

The well-dressed crowd throngs and mingles. A high end wedding band plays a dated Pop song.

ROB, Tall, handsome, a charmer, works the crowd, shaking hands, kissing cheeks and fielding complements as he goes.

ROB

Thanks so much… Good to see you, Man!… Ya, such a surprise. I’m so honored… Love that dress!

PASSING SHORT GUY

Congrats, Rob. Hear about Betty?

ROB

I heard the rumor. Hard to believe, but who knows.. If it’s true..

SHORT GUY

(moving on)

There will be consequences.

Rob seems to gloat as he takes a step back to bask in it all- and bumps into someone. He turns-

ROB

So sorry– Wow! You’re here! I never expected-

JULIA

Yet here I am!

They exchange cheek kisses.

ROBERT

Really nice of you to come!

(awkward beat)

I guess I didn’t think you’d ever forgive me.

JULIA

Can’t hold a grudge forever!

She smiles at him, sipping the last of her cocktail.

ROBERT

Let me freshen that up for you.

With an easy finesse, he takes her empty glass, sets it down on the tray of a passing waiter, picks up a new drink and hands it to her with a cocked head.

JULIA

Why thank you!

(sips)

To be completely honest, it took awhile. Forgiving you. You know I had a crush on you. More than a crush, I really had a thing for you. That made it hard.

ROBERT

(genuinely surprised)

Wow! I wished I’d known that. If we’re being honest..

(laughs, embarrassed)

This is tough…I always thought you were out of my league.

JULIA

Talk about cross purposes! Too bad things ended up the way they did.

ROB

Maybe we can change that.

ACROSS THE ROOM-

TRENT, well built and impeccably dressed, converses with a huddle of people. He sneaks a checks in a nearby mirror and straightens his tie.

TRENT

It should go like clockwork. Planned it to the letter. In fact, I have a last minute check with the manager..

He starts across the room and stops, seeing a stunning Woman in red smile at him from near the buffet. He walks over.

TRENT

Evelyn! I didn’t know you were going to be here. I’m chuffed.

EVELYN

Amanda called. Thought I’d want to know. She was right. I wouldn’t miss it for the world!

TRENT

Well, thank you, Amanda.

A couple pass by. The GUY puts a hand on Trent’s shoulder.

GUY

Thanks for footing the bill on this, Man. What a night!

TRENT

No biggy. What’s money for?

GUY

So when’s the real party starting?

TRENT

Another hour to go.

WOMAN

(as they move away)

I’m on pins and needles.

TRENT

Me too.

(stares across at Rob)

Till then, we’ll just have to settle for the pleasure of watching the lamb fatten up for his slaughter.

EVELYN

You’re so naughty!

TRENT

Are you kidding? This guy is such a creep. I’ve wanted his ass forever!

EVELYN

Think he suspects?

TRENT

Not a clue!

EVELYN

Revenge is so sexy, isn’t it?

TRENT

Indeed it is.

Someone bumps them and Trent’s spinach hors d’oeuvre drops on his shirt front.

TRENT

Ugh! Damn! Idiot! I just had this shirt dry cleaned!

EVELYN

Here, let me take care of that.

She picks up a napkin and a bottle of club soda from the buffet bar and, moving in close, goes to work on his shirt.

EVELYN

This feels like old times.

TRENT

So how do I look? Still sexy?

EVELYN

You look succulent enough to just sink my teeth into…

TRENT

Why did we break up?

EVELYN

Should we go someplace where you can take this off, and I can work on it better. We have time, don’t we?

TRENT

Sure. Wouldn’t want to show for the big moment with spinach on my shirt.

EVELYN

As opposed to egg on your face?

She smiles, takes his hand and leads him across the room.

INT. PRIVATE STUDY – MOMENTS LATER

The study door opens and Trent and Evelyn enter. Evelyn takes off Trent’s shirt and discards it pointedly on a table. Trent flexes his bare chest muscles, glancing down briefly to admire them. Evelyn sighs with approval.

She strokes his chest. They giggle. Her hands travel downward, undoing his belt. Continuing downward once more, she steals a glance at Trent’s watch…

EVELYN

(purring)

Oooouuu, it’s time. Come to Mama.

They kiss hungrily, going at each other, clothes flying. Evelyn pushes Trent up against the wall. A false panel turns, spinning them into-

INT. A MINI STADIUM ROOM WITH A FIGHT RING – CONTINUOUS

A huge room with a ring in the middle with entrances on two sides. A crowd cheers as Evelyn and a stupefied Trent, now in his tightie whities, appear through the false door. Evelyn deftly sidesteps through a gate in the fence and joins the crowd, who all hold cattle prods. Someone gives her one.

TRENT

What the f- But it’s not time yet!

EVELYN

We pushed the schedule up a bit.

TRENT

But Rob- he’s not even here!

Rob springs through a similar door across the room making out with Julie, who follows Evelyn’s lead and joins the crowd retrieving her cattle-prod.

Rob looks around at all the guests at the party, hooting and catcalling. He tries to get back into the room but the door has closed. He tries to follow Julie, but several cattle prods push him toward the middle of the rink.

Trent paces around the circle- a caged animal, wild angry eyes make contact with all the faces who were playing him up earlier, anger building with every set of eyeballs he meets.

Rob sees Trent’s rage and backs up into a cattle prod.

ROB

Aghhhh!

A primal scream wells up inside Trent and releases itself. His movement around the circle suddenly shifts toward-

POV ROB

As the raging hulk races toward him and a fist torpedos into his face with a WACK!

FADE TO BLACK as FIGHT AND CATCALLS SOUNDTRACK CONTINUES OVER END CREDITS

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen. Max Interest Part 1

What I learned that is improving my writing is: Even when I think I have put interest and substance into my scene, having these techniques to use not only illuminates where my instincts have fallen short, they give me a laser focus insight into how to fix it.

1. Logline: After hours of relentless pursuit by both Filipino police and mystery operatives trying to kill him, fugitive Matt swims out of the water miles upriver from his previous escape, and seeks desperately needed sleep in a children’s playground.

2. The Essence of the Scene: There is no real rest for Matt. He is being pursued by demons from without and within.

3. Interest Techniques:

Challenging Situation <div>

Suspense

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Uncertainty – Hope/Fear

Twist

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Betrayal (but it is the Protagonist himself who is the betrayer)

Surprise

4. Re-written Scene:

EXT. A FORESTED MANILA PARK ON THE PASIG RIVER – NIGHTFALL.

A few straggling picnickers herd their kids down a pathway that leads out of the park.

AT THE RIVER’S EDGE – HIDDEN IN THE SHADOWS

Matt wades out of the river, drenched and exhausted. He stumbles in from the shore and crawls into-

EXT. A CHILD’S PLAYGROUND BARREL

Matt collapses on to the barrel floor, catching his breath. He curls his body against the curve of the barrel, wipes his face with his wet shirt, then squeezes it into a pillow.

Resting his head, he stares into the last of the disappearing twilight. As the safety of darkness engulfs him, he falls into a troubled sleep.

THE DISTANT RUMBLE OF THE CITY’S NIGHT LIFE BECOMES THE WHISTLE OF AN INCOMING MISSILE OVER:

A JUMBLE OF IMAGES

Matt. Full Gear. IRAQ.

Running. Dodging sniper bullets.

The MISSILE DOPPLERS closer. EXPLODES.

Matt takes cover from the cloud of dust and propelled debris. Others follow.

A NAVY SEAL – hit and bloody on the ground. Matt and ANOTHER SEAL run back out into the sniper’s sights and drag the wounded Seal to safety.

Another Missile WHISTLES closer. Matt turns away as

The WHISTLE CRESCENDOS OVER:

MANILA

The EXPLOSION of the ship in Manila Harbor.

On Matt’s Stunned face taking in the blast.

CUT TO:

UNDERWATER.

Matt combs through the wreckage for survivors. He turns, hearing-

SARAH
Daddy..

Some distance from Matt-

A Child floats through the deep waters. Lifeless. Her nightgown torn and bloodied.

Matt swims toward her. He gets closer. Her eyes pop open.

Matt stops.

SARAH
Daddy, why?

Another VOICE. Coming from nowhere, yet from all directions. Muffled, like a gunshot through water-

ALISE
You did this!

EXT. PLAYGROUND BARREL – MORNING

Matt jolts awake in the harsh glint of the morning sun. Drenched in sweat. Shaken. Gasping back tears. He is about to let them go when he is startled by-

A Little Filipino Girl standing just outside the barrel, watching him.

MAN
(in Tagalog)
Come NOW, Dally. Your brother will be late for school.

The Girl glances at her Father, then back at Matt.

Matt and the girl hold each other’s eyes. The girl’s are wide and dark, full of curiosity, and empathy. Matt presses a finger to his lips.

She nods, then runs off.

Matt waits for the family to walk away, then gathers his things.

.

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[Maureen Tilyou]

My name is Maureen Tilyou. I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen Profiles People

What I’ve learned: That some core traits are more apparent than others, but when pushed by the right events and circumstances, they reveal themselves. Circumstances and events in my writing can and should push the revelation of deeper traits in my own characters.

PERSON 1-

Empathetic

Charming

Nasty

Liar

PERSON 2

Funny

Non Committal /Plays Both Sides

Charming

Wily/Sly

PERSON 3

Witty

Charming

Biting

Vindictive

After being tested, Person 2 showed himself to be Brave and Resolved rather than Non-committal and Playing both sides.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is… When I dig to find what’s principally important in a scene (the essence), my scenes open up to new dynamics and life.

Script I choose: SALVAGE

Scene 1 Location: Opening Scene
Logline: Gordie takes care of the boat while Matt dives with their clients.
Essence I’ve discovered: It’s a pleasant, lazy life. These guys are living the escapist lives of teennagers in their 40’s.
New Logline: Gordie listens to classic rock as he rolls a joint and lazes in the sun while Matt dives with the clients.

Scene 2 Location: Early to Mid Act 1
Logline: Matt’s wife Alyse visits his boat and asks for a divorce.
Essence I’ve discovered: Matt wants his family back, but is too messed up to do anything about it, and instead does everything to f— it up.
New Logline: When Matt’s wife visits his boat to ask for a divorce, he baits and manipulates her into losing her temper and lashing out at him.

Scene 3 Location: Early/Mid Act 2
Logline: After spending 2 days on the run from both the Manila police and men trying to kill him. Matt escapes on a bus out of town.
Essence I’ve discovered: Matt’s Navy Seal training has kicked in. These are the first moments of peace he has had in two days, and he will use this time to think through what is happening to him, and make a plan.
New Logline: Having escaped out of Manilla on a bus, Matt uses the quiet to regroup, analyze what is happening and why, and make a plan.

Scene 4 Location: Near the Mid-Point of Act 2
Logline: Matt and Tommy go over the logistics of Matt’s plan.
Essence I’ve discovered: Matt is using every bit of fibre in him to drive himself forward through a deep despondency and self hatred after unintentionally killing his wife and child.
New Logline: While Matt and Tommy go over the plan, Tommy challenges Matt to reconsider what he’s getting himself into. Matt reveals that he doesn’t care if he dies- he’s got nothing to live for, and deserves the worst that can happen to him.

Scene 5 Location: End of Act 2
Logline: After planting the explosives to blow up the Terrorist camp, Matt realizes his wife and child are still alive- and in that camp.
Essence I’ve discovered: After bitterly driving himself toward this moment using his Navy Seal training and every bit of grit in him, Matt is emotionally overwhelmed by his discovery, and the relief that he didn’t kill his wife and child back in Manila.
New Logline: Matt is about to blow up the terrorist camp when he sees Alyse and Sarah in the camp. His legs give out from under him and he falls to the ground struggling to comprehend the implications of what he sees and pull himself together to take on the new challenge of saving his family.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Maureen Finds the Essence: <font color=”#000000″>What I learned is that even when I know a film well, when I discover and define the essence of the scenes I love, I begin to have an understanding for how they are crafted, and what tools I can use to craft my own scenes. </font>

<font color=”#000000″>
</font>Script I choose: DEAD POETS SOCIETY

Scene 1 Location: ACT 1 Intro Keating/Carpe Diem Scene
Logline: Prof Keating introduces himself to the class by taking them out in the hall and conjuring the spirits of the dead athletes in the old school photos.
Essence: This Teacher is offbeat and not afraid to go deep and wake the Boy’s up to what is really at stake in life. His class is going to be a different kind of challenge.

Scene 2 Location: Early Act 2 – The FIrst Cave Scene

Logline: The Boys huddle around a campfire and read poetry aloud.

Essence: The Boys begin to stir the buried yearnings in their hearts and souls.

Scene 3 Location: Middle of Act Two – Sweaty-Toothed Madman Scene
Logline: Keating challenges Todd to face his fear of speaking, find his primal voice, and reveal his disowned worth.
Essence: Sometimes we have to tap our ‘barbaric’ emotions to break out of the straitjackets we have crafted to hold us back.

Scene 4 Location: Later Middle of Act 2
Logline: Keating has the Boys march to their own tune, but they soon unconsciously fall into formation.
Essence: The pull of conformity is strong and embedded; it takes intention to stay on your own path.

Scene 5 Location: End of Act 3 – Climax/Resolution
Logline: When a ‘disgraced’ Keating comes in to get his things while Nolan teaches his class, Todd finds his courage stands on his desk to salute Keating, “Oh, Captain, My Captain,” inspiring most of the class to do the same.
Essence: From tragedy and failure to transcendent triumph: Keating has inspired the Boys to be individuals of courage and commitment, and their brave act of acknowledging him cements their achievements, and lets him know that all has not been in vain.

My selection for most profound essence: The Climax/Resolution Scene at the end of the film.

Essense: From tragedy and failure to transcendent triumph: Keating has inspired the Boys to be individuals of courage and commitment, and their brave act of acknowledging him cements their achievements, and lets him know that all has not been in vain.

I believe this is the essence of this scene (and in a larger sense the essence of the film) because it ties together all the scenes in the film, and delivers the film’s ultimate meaning. If the actions in this scene did not take place, then the message of the film would have been that even brave attempts to express individuality often end in loss and defeat. The film needs this scene to be emotionally large and triumphant in order to achieve the emotional impact that it has been driving toward.

INT. THE ENGLISH CLASSROOM – AFTERNOON
Todd, Knox, Meek, Pitts, Cameron and the rest of the class
are there. Conspicuously empty are Neil’s desk and Charlie’s
desk. Todd looks numb, his gaze downward, reminding us of
the way he looked when we first met him. Knox, Meeks, and
Pitts look humiliated. All of the former club members are
too ashamed of themselves to look at one another. Only
Cameron looks halfway normal. He sits at his desk studying
as though nothing had happened.
The door opens. In strides Mr. Nolan. All stand. Nolan
sits at the teacher’s desk. All sit down.
130.
NOLAN
Since the semester is so near to a
close, I will be taking over this
class through exams. We will find
a permanent English teacher during
the Christmas holidays. Who would
like to tell me where you are in
the Hutton textbook?
Nolan looks around. There are no volunteers.
NOLAN
Mr. Anderson?
TODD
(softly, barely audible)
The… Hutton…
Todd looks through his books. He fumbles nervously.
NOLAN
I can’t hear you, Mr. Anderson.
TODD
(still low)
I… think we…
NOLAN
(exasperated with this)
Mr. Cameron, kindly inform me.
CAMERON
We skipped around a lot, sir. We
covered the romantics and most of
the chapters on post civil war
literature.
NOLAN
What about the realists?
CAMERON
I believe we skipped most of that.
Nolan flips through the text. The door to the classroom
opens. Mr. Keating enters.
KEATING
(to Nolan)
I came for my personals. Should I
wait until after class?
131.
NOLAN
Absolutely not. Get your things
and get out.
(to the class)
Gentlemen, turn to page fifty four.
Mr. Cameron, read aloud the poem by
Eugene Field.
CAMERON
Mr. Nolan, that page has been
ripped out.
NOLAN
Then borrow somebody else’s book.
CAMERON
They’re all ripped out, sir.
NOLAN
(staring at Keating)
What do you mean they’re all ripped
out?
CAMERON
Sir we…
NOLAN
Never mind, Cameron.
He carries his textbook to Cameron’s desk.
NOLAN
Here. Read.
CAMERON
“Little Boy Blue” by Eugene Field:
“The little toy dog is covered with dust,
But sturdy and stanch he stands.
And the little toy soldier is red with rust,
And his musket moulds in his hands…
As Cameron continues reading, Keating, who is at the closet
in the front corner of the room, looks out at the students.
He sees Todd, whose eyes are full of tears. He sees Knox,
Meeks, Pitts, too shamed to look him in the eye but
nevertheless full of emotion. The irony of Nolan choosing
the “Little Blue Boy” is too incredible.
Keating finishes his packing. He walks across the room
towards the door. Just as Keating reaches the door, Todd can
no longer hold it in.
132.
TODD
(interrupting Cameron’s
reading)
Mr. Keating, they made them sign
it!
KEATING
I know that, Todd.
NOLAN
Quiet, Mr. Anderson! Leave, Mr.
Keating!
TODD
But it wasn’t his fault, Mr. Nolan!
Neil’s father did it. Neil wanted
to be an actor more than anything.
Nolan strides down the aisle and slaps Todd mightily. The
boy falls to the floor.
NOLAN
One more outburst, Mr. Anderson!
(turns to the class)
Or anyone else! And you are out of
this school!
He turns toward Keating who has taken a few steps back
towards Todd as though to help.
NOLAN
Leave now.
Keating stands facing Nolan. He turns and faces the class.
KEATING
Wonderful things are possible if we
only dare dream them, boys. Be
bold.
NOLAN
GET OUT!
The boys stare at Keating. He stares at them, taking them in
for the last time. Keating turns and moves towards the door.
TODD
Oh Captain!
Keating turns. So does everybody else. Todd pulls himself
off the floor, props one foot up on his desk then stands up
on it. He stands atop his desk, holding back tears, facing
Mr. Keating.
133.
NOLAN
(moving at him)
You little…
As Nolan moves down the aisle, Knox (whose seat is on the
other side of the room) calls Mr. Keating’s name and stands
up on his desk too. Nolan turns and sees this. Meeks
musters his courage and stands on his desk. Pitts does the
same. One by one and then in groups, the rest of the class
follows suit. Soon the entire class is standing on their
desks in silent salute to Mr. Keating.
Nolan who started at Todd, then at Overstreet, stands
motionless. He is amazed by this overwhelming response.
Keating stands at the door, tears welling in his eyes.
KEATING
Thank you, boys.
Keating looks into Todd’s eyes, then into all their eyes,
gives a nod, then exits.
ANGLE ON each of the members of the Dead Poets Society
standing on their desks:
MEEKS
PITTS
KNOX
and finally, TODD, who is holding back tears but standing
proud.
BLACKOUT.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Thanks for checking and posting.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Me too!

[Maureen Tilyou]

Me too

[Maureen Tilyou]

I really like this. Just wondering how much the Supernatural element is at play here, since it seems central to the Antagonists plans, and adds a cool twist.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Super idea!

[Maureen Tilyou]

Sounds exciting!

[Maureen Tilyou]

Fun! Already trying to figure out what the big shocker is at the end…Mmmmm?

[Maureen Tilyou]

Very cool. I like this a lot!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Me, too. Looking forward to how this twists and turns!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Maureen Tilyou.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Love this!

[Maureen Tilyou]

Yes, I get your confusion. My original idea, (and I’m still leaning there) was it is a neuro-link sort of thing a long time in the making. A brainwashing tactic with a built in Failsafe that would make sure each person’s vote goes the ‘right’ way. That’s why I see it as a Sci-Fi Thriller. That answer is not a simple one, because it really has to be well laced into the script and developed to make it believable. I hope tat sort of addresses your question. Or begins to.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Love it! I suspected she might be a mermaid. Can’t wait to see how this develops!

[Maureen Tilyou]

Thanks Tully!

[Maureen Tilyou]

Nice work! What takes you to Greenland? Fantastic!

[Maureen Tilyou]

Thank you so much, Mahee! Looking forward to reading yours 🙂

[Maureen Tilyou]

Thank you, Mahee. I love yours as well!

[Maureen Tilyou]

Nice!

[Maureen Tilyou]

Fun! Love the Title!

[Maureen Tilyou]

Sounds really engaging! Look forward to seeing how it develops. 🙂

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Sandra,

Thanks so much for your feedback and your very helpful suggestions.

Best,

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Sandra,

I absolutely love your scene and the delightful, very human characters. I really get a sense of the place and their lives. I particularly love the humor, which comes so much out of the characters you have created. You really have taken on the challenge of developing characters out of the given traits in a wonderful way.

I have a few notes below.

Great set up and description in the opening lines. One very small thing: I would think about dropping ‘in the country’ because we already get the sense that it’s in the country so it seems redundant. Or you could say ‘off a dirt country road’ if you felt you needed it. The image you present is so authentic, I just think you want to be as concise and clean as possible.

John’s Description paragraph: Great sense of John and his loner life here. The pictures on the wall are a nice touch to add daring. I just found myself wanting to know just how old John is in the first picture. I read it as a young man in his twenties, but I think it would go much further and actually scream ‘daring’ if he were still a boy. Just a thought. It would also help clear up what the audience is looking at. It is much harder to pick out two different ages of an adult man who is only in his 30’s in a photo. So overall, I think an adolescent or young teen is a better choice.

You’ve gotten all the traits in pretty solidly. John’s daring and loner are already introduced in his opening description and images and are carried through. His distrust is integral to the story development, and his loyalty is mentioned with the horse. Nick’s confidence is pretty clear, he’s obviously a rebellious sort, and he’s loyal to his wife, even in her state, which is amazing and admirable. His conniving I’ll talk about a bit below.

To take things in order- I love John’s interaction with the Baby- it’s priceless and funny. I do have a few questions about the Baby and the bath…. Why is the water dirty? Was the Baby so dirty that Nick had to put her in the water with such urgency? Is putting him into the water part of a ploy to get John to take care of her? If it is part of a ploy, ( which is hinted at later when John discovers the different writing of his name, and accuses Nick of fathering the child himself) then I think that the ploy, along with stronger evidence of Nick’s ‘conniving’, could use more development.

Here’s the biggest thing for me in an otherwise perfect (to me) piece. I don’t get a complete feeling of something having resolved itself. The arc of the story (The Good Guy has the Info) doesn’t come across fully enough, and the story seems to stop prematurely. Sure, John discovers the other handwriting on the note, but he could be just using that to get out of admitting he could be the father.The audience only knows about the writing from John’s assertion. There is no evidence for the audience to conclude that Nick is actually the father and he’s been playing John all along (conniving). You could just do something simple and put in a few shots and additional lines of dialogue to emphasize his duplicity (shot of the note/ shot of his guilty face when John accuses him of cheating on Saddie, which he quickly covers with anger, but not before John sees it. ) But I think you really have a great opportunity here to take this situation, and these wonderful characters further. Which is something I would like to see because, as a reader, I’m not really ready to let these characters finish with me. I want more from them. You’ve only got about 2.5 pages, so you have room to play. I’d love to see the fight happen (maybe with the same type of humor as you brought to the John/Baby bathroom scene) and end up with them either collapsing into laugher in each others arms, or just dropping with exhaustion and giving up – and have Nick admit that he was trying to scam John, and the baby is probably his, and John admit it could be his, he was drinking a lot before NIck took him in. They decide to raise the baby together, and look to a silent Saddie to seal the deal. This would solidify Nick’s ‘conniving’ in a big way, but at the same time, take them to a different place with each other. John could show loyalty to the man who was generous enough to take him in when he needed it.

Anyway, just some thoughts. Hope some of it is helpful. Great work! Looking forward to your next Scene.

All the best,

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Sandra,

Can we exchange feedback. Mine is right behind yours below.

Thanks so much,

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Sandra,

Would you be willing to exchange feedback on our QE Scene two rewritten scenes? My comes up right behind yours here.

Thanks!

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Ed,

Can we exchange feedback. Mine is one or two below here.

Many thanks

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Ed,

Would you be willing to exchange feedback on our QE 2 Re-written Scenes? Mine comes up under Sandra’s below.

Thanks!

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

No problem. I learned a lot from doing the critique as well. Looking forward to reading more of your work as well.

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Edward,

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you.

Here are my notes.

First, my overall thoughts and impressions of your piece. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your take on the Noir genre. It was true to the feel of the genre, while at the same time being somewhat irreverent and fun. Your use of language to evoke the setting and mood is excellent. You also made a present day timeframe work with the genre, which is not always so easy. The intros of the characters are great. I love Robert cutting up fish and watching porn- which delightfully turns out to be not just a fun character prop, but germaine to the story. The intro of the femme fatale is wonderful. With just seconds of screen time before she disappears into the back room, you have her make an indelible impression. Trent’s ‘meticulous’ exit from the cigarette boat used his trait to great effect.

You build both Suspense and Intrigue from the opening description and the setting, and raise it along the way- the sharp knife cutting fish, the porn film which turns out to be of a woman who hides in the back room, Robert lying to Trent about her presence, etc.

Major Twist / Surprise: You’ve obviously built anticipation for a showdown with Robert, Trent and Amoreena which the audience/reader expects. I’m not sure, but I think you intend a Surprise/ Twist at the very end with Amoreena and Robert after Trent goes in the drink. I may just have a blind spot, but I’m just not exactly sure what happens there. Does Amoreena poison Robert, or stab him? Why does he collapse? The fire is obviously a play off the cigars flying out of Trent’s mouth, and the propane, but is it just an accident that it starts a blaze? Is Robert collapsing in relief as a blaze starts behind him? I’m not sure what you want here, but if you are looking for a surprise/twist, I think you may need to clarify the mechanics of what happens a bit. Maybe give Amoreena more intentionality and menace in the end- if she indeed kills Robert. Maybe that’s not what you intend, but either way, I think you need clarification of what happens here.

Just a thought- You may want to consider creating a big drama, noirish surprise by having Amoreena shoot Trent and that’s what sends him through the window into the water. Maybe first Robert punches him a few times, then, as he staggers in front of the window, she shoots him, and they watch him struggle in the water and go under. It would be a Surprise/Twist, and it would be in keeping with the genre. It would up the stakes for Robert- who really doesn’t know at that point if he is getting out of this alive. There would also be more intense Uncertain Hope/Fear for the audience at that point as well. As I said, just a thought.

Interesting Setting– Yes, and you use it to super effect.

Mislead/Reveal: I see here the revelation that Amoreena is a gangster’s wife. Robert and the audience already know that she is in the back room, which heightens the Uncertainty/Hope/ Superior Position Irony elements. I’m not sure I see a Mislead/Reveal beyond that . I think the audience is in on Robert’s scheme on Trent, and enjoys the cat and mouse, especially as Trent grows more obnoxious by the minute. The reveal may be at the end with a twist/ surprise, but as I said, I am a bit unclear about the ending, so I’m not sure. Apologies if I’m missing something obvious.

Betrayal. Totally there. Robert is betraying Trent, but as we glimpse their relationship, we realize that Trent has been betraying Robert all the time. Nice.

Superior Position Irony: Yes. Great. The audience knows about Amoreena in the back room, and is anticipating and wondering what is going to happen.

Uncertain Hope/Fear – I see this as the audience wondering what’s going to happen if and when Trent discovers the woman in the back room. I suppose we (the audience) ‘worries’ about the outcome, but I think it is less for Trent’s safety, than Robert’s, and possibly Amoreena’s – just because Trent seems such a jerk. As I mentioned, much stronger Hope/Fear for Robert is possible if you have Amoreena shoot Trent.

You did a very good job using the character traits throughout.. Robert is Secretive, Gregarious and somehow remarkably Smooth even as he flings fish heads. There is a lot of evidence of his low self esteem as well, but because the audience knows about the double cross, I sometimes saw it as a guise to play Trent, and not actual low self esteem. Not sure if that’s important. If you had a full length script, it might be clear here that he’s using his own past evidence of low self esteem in order to play Trent convincingly.

Trent is ‘Trent. I get a strong sense of a character, and see his traits of ‘Conspiring, Aggressive, Meticulous and Needy pretty much throughout.

Thanks for letting me give you feedback! I hope some of it helps.

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Edward,

I love your style. You definitely got the noir thing from the first lines.

I know I’m behind, but would you be interested in exchanging feedback? I’m right behind you in this thread.

Thanks,

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hello Amechi,

Thank you for sharing your Scene with me.

Somehow, your email through wordpress ended up in my Promotions folder instead of my Inbox, and I didn’t see it until last night. I wrote back to you via email to wordpress, but I just saw that I got a message that my email to you was not deliverable. We seem to be having some problems connecting. I will also send this message to your message folder here in Screen U’s WordPress, to make sure it gets to you one way or the other.

Give me a chance to read your Scene for QE1 and give it some thought. I will try to get back to you with notes tomorrow.

All the best,

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Edward,

Thanks so much for your excellent and very helpful feedback. It’s much appreciated. And I’m glad you liked a lot of the elements. Sorry for the delay getting back to you. I was deep into writing the Scene for Lesson 8, trying to stay current with the class. I’m pasting your comments below so I can address them. My responses are in parentheses….

——

Hi Maureen – thanks for sharing your work. I enjoyed the uniqueness, surprises, double entendres too! Here are my notes….

Scene Arc – Intent – From Celebration to Ass Kicking

The opening metaphor scene, although not a celebration is intriguing. I think the celebration is Rob’s wedding? It if it is, I’d intro Rob as the groom, so there’s no mistaking him. Interesting “ass kicking,” unexpected , good! I like that’s unconventional. Good twist.

(The celebration is not Rob’s Wedding. It’s a huge Promotion that he nabbed by starting a serious rumor about his rival. Btw- this is also what he did to Julie in the past, and she confronted him, but left the company disgraced. This “Big Celebration” is a trap organized by Trent to give Rob an entirely different kind of ‘reward.” I obviously have to work on this to get these things into the scene/subtext. Thanks.)

Scene Situation – One character is lured into a back room where he is beat up.

Hidden room or backroom? If you were actually working with a producer, this interpretation is something to discuss. I like it for its imagination and twist technique. In a literal sense, not align with situation’s request.

(Yes I see how this could be a budget or other issue. )

Robert’s Subtext – loves creating gossip about other people and watch it take them down.

I like that the short guy intro’s the rumor and Rob pours gasoline on the fire. Still shows him to be a gossiper, but without him initiating it. You could extend his subtext as he flirts with Julia.

(Great idea!)

Trent’s Subtext – pretends he is wealthy to get people to do the things he wants —at their expense.

Not getting this subtext yet, He comes across as being wealthy but not that he’s pretending to be wealthy. That can be done , perhaps with a visit from the manager – there’s a problem with the bill. Or a guest speaking a Rob rumor that he’s not. Something that tips us off regarding his true lot in life.

(Yes, absolutely. I thought of doing something with the Manager and the Bill. I got concerned about the scene’s length, and didn’t follow through. I’ll revisit.)

TRAITS:

With both Robert and Trent, their relationships and dialogue with Julia and Evelyn are great opportunities to illustrate additional subtext and traits. Relationships, with history, are great for emotions to come to the surface. With this draft the dialogue more geared to illustrating plot. The next pass, layer in additional trait and subtext.

Roberts Traits:

Smooth – yes, good comes across as a player. Consider having an event occur at the beginning of the scene that illustrates his smooth personality, smooth over a disagreement or something.

Secretive – Didn’t pick up this trait. (Ok, thanks. I’ll layer it in)

Gregarious – didn’t pick up this trait (I’m a bit confused here, because I was trying to build his gregarious nature into it from his intro where he’s making his way through the crowd, enjoying the engagement with each person. Is that not coming through? )

Low Self Esteem – didn’t pick up this trait. (I was hoping his thinking Julia was ‘out of his league’ was a hint, but I guess that could come off as a ploy. I’ll work on it.

Trent’s Traits:

Conspiring – He’s worked up some scheme with Evelyn until she double crosses him. With his time with Evelyn, you have opportunity to explore this trait and others. (This is another place where I’m confused. I saw the fact that Trent set up this whole scam on Rob and involved eveyone else in it behind Rob’s back fulfilled the ‘conspiracy’ trait. Is that not coming across? )

Aggressive – I see this in being upset with the spinach spill and at the end, he attacks Robert. (Absolutely!)

Meticulous – Yes, good, regarding his appearance. (Thanks!)

Needy- Didn’t pick up this trait. (I’ll try to push this more. I was trying to have him ask Evelyn “How do I look’ type things, and looking for approval, etc. I’ll punch it up and see if it comes out. )

Techniques:

The essence of the scene – my take – revenge is best served cold. (Love it! And Yes!)

Suspense – Suspense can be increased if, Rob, Trent, Julia and Evelyn all crossed paths early on. Setting up the awkwardness mixed with the suppressed attractions , past bad blood, in subtext. We know something probably bad will happen later. What we don’t know, keeping your big surprises intact. Consider extending the anticipation of what going to happen in the hidden room. (Really interesting. I hadn’t considered suspense as fitting in here – even though it’s my favorite sensory movie experience. It could add another layer, and deepen the experience. Thanks!)

Major Twist – Good – the change in setting to hidden room and the set up, Rob and Trent hook ups with the ladies. (Thanks)

Surprise – Yep, great, unique and surprising ending. (Glad you liked it.)

Interesting Setting – The lodge has some potential, we need to get a better feeling of how the isolation plays into the story. (Again, interesting idea. This could add a new dimension to the story- or even better ground it somehow.)

Mislead/Reveal – Good, the relationships, have past issues and, motivates the revenge actions.

Character Changes –

Betrayal – Perhaps Make it clearer what the bad blood is between Robert and Trent and escalate it. (Great!)

Superior Position Irony –

Uncertain Hope/Fear –

Intrigue – Good, setting, past histories of the guests, hidden rooms, cattle prods, forcing Rob and Trent to fight.

Over all very imaginative and unique plot and turn of events. With future passes continue to layer in the past bad blood and complexities of the relationships with Rob, Trent and Evelyn and Julia. This material is the heart of the action and subtext. The more we can understand what is motivating these characters the better the use of traits, and payoffs when they take action.

——-

Thanks again, Edward. I’m glad you liked it, and you definitely got my wheels turning 🙂

I’ll work on notes on your Scene tomorrow. Would be happy to swap on QE Scene 2 as well, if you’d like to.

Maureen

[Maureen Tilyou]

Hi Judith,

Love your scene!

Would you be up for exchanging feedback?

Let me know.

Thanks,

Maureen