Melanie Forchetti
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Melanie’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned from this assignment is that less is more. I guess it all comes down to being able to encapsulate your script in a written elevator pitch.
Dear Producer,
“Nothing sells better than a dead author.” I’m not dead but my main character is about to be.
Title: Murder, Ink (Feature)
Genre: Thriller
Written by: Melanie Forchetti
A best-selling author is found washed up underneath Savannah’s Talmadge Bridge just like the protagonist in his latest novel. The next day his book sells out. Blake, an aspiring writer, becomes the killer’s next target. Her words start to come true as well but it’s not until her husband goes missing that she realizes her life is mimicking her last few chapters. In shock, she stops, realizing that writing has become dangerous. However, her agent threatens to drop her if she doesn’t finish. Strapped for cash, she has no choice but to continue and her world gets worse – a drained bank account, threats from thugs, and an eviction notice.
With only a few clues to go on, Blake’s search for her husband leads her to find the killer on the dock of her childhood home. Staring down the barrel of his gun, can she write herself out of her own death?
I’m a produced screenwriter (‘Til Proven Innocent (Thriller)/A&E) with another script currently in development at a production company. If this sounds like a project you’d be interested in, I’d love to get you the full script. I can be reached at the contact info below and look forward to hearing from you!
Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration!
My best,
Melanie Forchetti
(310) 497-5656
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Melanie’s Target Market
What I learned is to have an open mind about getting your project out to a producer. If you look hard enough, you can find cracks in Hollywood’s walls.
Title: Murder, Ink
Genre: Thriller
Logline: A young author discovers a killer is using her latest thriller as a plot for her own death.
Similar Movies: The Little Things, Knives Out, The Woman in the Window, The Girl on the Train, Things Heard & Seen, Night Crawler, The Weekend Away, and Windfall.
Actors for the lead role of “Blake”: Jodie Comer, Cara Delavigne, Lili Reinhardt, Lily Rose Depp, Josephine Langford
Actors for the villain role of “Craig”: Henry Cavill, Jack Whitehall, Cillian Murphy, Sebastian Stan, Ben Whishaw
Knives Out
Rian Johnson
Ram Berman
Leopold Hughes
Tom Karnowski
Nikos Karamigios
The Woman in the Window
Scott Rudin
The Girl on the Train
Jared Leboff
Marc Platt
Holly Bario
Deb Dyer
The Little Things
Mike Drake
Mark Johnson
Kevin McCormick
Donald Sparks
Night Crawler
Betsy Danbury
Garrick Dion
Jennifer Fox
Juliana Guedes
David Lancaster
Michel Litvak
Gary Michael Walters
Stephanie Wilcox
The Weekend Away
Sarah Alderson
Kari Hatfield
Rukmani Jones
Veselin Karadjov
Charlie Morrison
Andrew Noble
Ben Pugh
Joseph King Salwen
Erica Steinberg
Windfall
Lily Collins (actress too)
Rick Covert
Ravid Duque-Estrada
Stephen Gans
Lisa G. Hannusch
Justin Lader
Robert Patrick Malkassian
Charlie McDowell
Duncan Montgomery
Alex Orlovsky
Jesse Plemons
Elika Portnoy
Lisa Richardson
Jason Segel
Jack Selby
Andrew Kevin Walker
Things Heard & Seen
Stefanie Azpiazo
Sheri Springer Berman
Julie Cohen
Peter Bron
Stephen Lipross
Peter Pastorelli
Robert Pulcini
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Melanie’s Phone Pitch
What I learned from this lesson is that I need my own script for pitching on the phone!
Lead with a great title:
“Hi, I’m Melanie Forchetti, a produced screenwriter, and I have a thriller called “Murder, Ink.” I’m wondering if I can run my pitch by you?”
Pitch:
A young writer discovers a killer is using her latest novel as a plot for her own death.
The budget range for the movie falls between $1-5M.
I see some breakout actors for the leading roles such as Lili Reinhardt or Lily Rose Depp for the lead role of “Blake,” and Henry Cavill or Cillian Murphy for the killer.
The script runs at a fast-paced 106 pages.
Although, I’ve had some script consultants look at it, you are the first producer to see it. I think this might be a good fit at your company because the past films you’ve produced have been thrillers – all in the same budget range as “Murder, Ink.”
In the end, as Blake dangles from the dock under gun point, she writes her way out of the death by choosing to embrace her fear of water and learn to swim, while creating a plan to catch the killer.
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Melanie’s Pitch Fest Pitch
What I learned was that you really need to be able to communicate your project succinctly. If you can hook them with your project, they can too.
I’m a produced screenwriter with another script in development at a production company.
“Murder, Ink” – Thriller
A young writer discovers a killer is using her latest novel as a plot for her own death.
The budget range is low budget – $500K-$5M.
The lead “Blake” might be a great role for Naomi Scott (“Anatomy of a Scandal” & Amblin’s upcoming ”Distant”) or Maya Hawke (“Stranger Things”). A great actor to play the killer would be Henry Cavill who was Sherlock Holmes in “Enola Holmes.”
Act One begins with a bestselling author, Oscar Matthews, meets the same end as his main character – washed up under Savannah’s Talmadge Bridge. Blake, the main character, is a young writer who hopes to follow in the literary footsteps of her deceased father whose work was never published. Always one to leap before thinking, she enrolls in a class, where she meets and hastily marries a handsome man, and signs with an agent who promises her a publishing deal for her current book. All seems well until…
…Act Two, when her husband mysteriously disappears. Stunned, she realizes that in the last chapter of her book, the husband also vanishes. She stops writing, fearing her words are coming true, and starts to investigate his disappearance. But her life gets worse – her bank account is drained, she is threatened by thugs, and she’s served an eviction notice. All the while her agent pushes her to finish the book.
In Act Three, she moves in with her sister and the search for her husband intensifies. Clues lead her to her agent’s condo in Atlanta where she finds not only the killers but the truth – which all ties back to her father’s untimely death.
Turns out – her husband is alive and has masterminded the plot to kill her. With the help of his siblings (Blake’s agent and a brother who owned the local bookstore), he killed Oscar Matthews who had stolen Blake’s father’s unpublished work. Blake is ahead of them though, as cops to listen in to their confession via cell phone, and arrests are made. Blake takes over the bookstore and she starts a new book entitled – “Murder, Ink.” Her husband, though, gets out on good behavior, and hops a plane out of the country seated next to another writer.
I wrote a thriller distributed by A&E and I recently wrote a serial work-for-hire interactive game. I have another script based on a true story currently being developed at another production company. I have a BFA from New York University.
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Melanie’s Query Letter
Dear XYZ,
“Nothing sells better than a dead author.” Don’t worry, I’m not dead, but my protagonist may be a different story.
Title: Murder, Ink
Genre: Suspense/Thriller
A best-selling author is found washed up underneath Savannah’s Talmadge Bridge just like the protagonist in his latest novel. The next day his book sells out. Was it suicide or murder? Blake, an aspiring writer herself, is about to find out.
Stripped of courage, pride, and her savings after an identity theft, Blake enrolls in a writing class, determined to prove herself and take charge of her writing career. The problem is – a team of grifters has the same idea. It’s not until her newly wed husband goes missing that she realizes that was the same plot point in her thriller’s last chapter. Just like the dead author – her words start to come true. Writing has become dangerous – so she stops. However, her world gets even worse – a drained bank account, intimidated by thugs, an eviction notice, and her literary agent threatens to drop her publishing deal if she doesn’t finish the book.
With only a few clues to go on and no help from the cops, Blake’s search for her husband leads to finding the killer on top of a high rise. As she dangles off the roof, she must find a way to write herself out of death.
I’m a produced screenwriter (‘Til Proven Innocent/A&E) with another script in development at an LA production company. I currently live in Savannah.
If Murder, Ink sounds like a project you’d like to consider, I’d love to send you the full script. I look forward to hearing from you.
— my contact info —
What I learned doing this assignment is that by coming up with short/concise marketing materials, you are respecting the producer/manager’s time and hopefully giving them confidence in your ability to sell the project.
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Melanie’s Synopsis Hooks
What I learned in the assignment is that the worst thing you can do is to bore someone with your pitch – so you have to keep things moving with the twists and hooks in your script. Focus on the shiny objects.
Synopsis based on the hooks:
A best-selling author is found washed up underneath Savannah’s Talmadge Bridge just like the protagonist in his latest novel. The next day his book sells out. Was it suicide or murder? Blake, an aspiring writer herself, is about to find out.
Stripped of courage, pride, and her savings after an identity theft, Blake enrolls in a writing class, determined to prove herself and take charge of her writing career. The problem is – a team of grifters has the same idea. It’s not until her newly wed husband goes missing that she realizes that was the same plot point in her thriller’s last chapter. Just like the dead author – her words start to come true. Writing has become dangerous – so she stops. However, her world gets even worse – a drained bank account, intimidated by thugs, an eviction notice, and her literary agent threatens to drop her publishing deal if she doesn’t finish the book.
With only a few clues to go on and no help from the cops, Blake’s search for her husband leads to finding the killer on top of a high rise. As she dangles off the roof, she must find a way to write herself out of death.
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Melanie’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learned doing this assignment is that pitching your project requires wearing a completely different hat. You have to get back to why you wrote the script in the first place and harness that inspiration for your pitch.
My High Concept is:
She finally got a book deal for her new thriller but a killer is re-enacting her every word.
My Elevator Pitch is:
I’m finishing up a story about how an author’s thriller becomes the recipe for her own death.
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Melanie’s 10 Most Interesting Things
1. Blake’s (protagonist) rash decisions destroy her life but lead her to the truth.
2. Derrick (villain) is in love with Blake, but when he secretly avenges her father’s death, he discovers a darker side of himself that takes over.
3. In the opening, a best-selling author is killed in the same manner as the protagonist in his latest book.
4. When Blake’s husband suddenly disappears, she realizes that was how her last chapter ended. Her words are coming true – and someone is stalking her!
5. Her sister called her husband’s cell phone the day he went missing. She’s the one person Blake thought she could trust but is she the reason for his disappearance?
6. When Blake comes back to her sister for help after losing her house, she finds Derrick has moved in. Although we don’t know it at the time, she has fallen right into the villain’s web.
7. Even though her husband is part of the group of grifters responsible for destroying her life, it’s revealed that he truly loves her. He ends up taking a bullet for her and saves her life.
8. The film is self-contained with a limited cast and few locations.
9. The concept is unique and fast-paced with all of the unlikely pieces coming together at the end.
10. Tagline – Nothing sells like a dead author.
What I learned in this assignment is that stepping away from the script and finding the interesting things about your story really helps you to see it differently. As a writer we get so engrossed in the story line – it’s helpful to step back and see the project as an audience member. By finding the interesting things, it feels like we are actually describing what would be in the trailer.
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Melanie’s Producer/Manager
Presentation to Producer:
– For the project: Do research on what projects they have produced and see how my project can fit their wants/needs. Tailor the pitch to similarities in my script with what they like while highlighting the top ten marketing ideas we identified in the last assignment.
– For myself: My eagerness to listen to their suggestions in the script and willingness to collaborate to make the best project for them. Collaboration is key!
Presentation to Manager:
– For the project: Research their current clientele, identify similar aspects between all of them and describe how this project fits that criteria. I’d then highlight the aspects of the top ten marketing ideas we identified last week.
– For myself: Again, my eagerness to hear their suggestions/notes and willingness to take their notes to elevate the project. I’d also mention my previous/current screenwriting projects and my aspirations and how we can work together.
What I learned today was how thinking from either a producer’s or manager’s perspective can change your pitch. Makes sense – tell them what they want to hear!
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Melanie’s Marketable Components
Logline: Murder, Ink – Thriller
As a young aspiring journalist pens a thriller based on her life, a local best-selling author is mysteriously killed under the same circumstances as his last book. She suddenly finds her words coming to life too when she becomes the killer’s next target.
**After this assignment, I’ve decided to do a rewrite on my script. Thanks to your marketing advice, I realized the plot needed to be elevated so I’m tweaking the script.
The top two components of marketability for my script include a Great Title and being Unique.
In the age of streaming and lack of prints and advertising, titles are sometimes all the viewer sees to base their decision of whether or not to watch your show. “Murder, Ink” is just two words but gives a big punch – it’s a thriller, there’s a business behind the murders, and that somehow these crimes have to do with authors. The concept is unique, I believe. Although there are tons of movies about writers, I feel this approach is different in that the plots of the thrillers are coming true in the writers’ lives. I also think this can lead to a sequel.
What I learned most during this assignment is that my script needs to back up my title since that’s a big component of selling it. This is a valuable lesson that has potentially fast forwarded me through years of trying to pitch a script that won’t sell. Thank you!
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Melanie’s Project and Market
“Murder, Ink” – Thriller
Concept: After being a victim of identity theft, a young out-of-work journalist decides to enroll in a writing class which lands her a book deal based on her own life and introduces her to the man of her dreams. When he mysteriously goes missing, and she starts to investigate his disappearance, she discovers that her life has been hijacked again and that digging up the past can lead to grave consequences.
I’d like to target producers in this genre first. The screenplay is relatively contained, with a limited cast and minimal locations. I think it could be appetizing for a smaller production company looking to make a lower budgeted film.
What I learned today was that less can be more when pitching your project. Thanks!
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Melanie Forchetti – I agree to the terms of this release form. Thanks!
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Would love it! Not sure when this class runs out but what is your email just in case? My email is m4chetti@gmail.com. I’ll get you some feedback in the next day or so 🙂
Thanks!
Melanie
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Melanie’s Thriller Map Version 1
Title: What She Heard
Logline: A small town 911 Operator and single-mom who is recovering from a bitter divorce becomes the only witness to a grueling murder of a woman caller and must piece together the killer’s identity from what she heard before she becomes the next victim.
Thriller Map 1 below:
ACT 1
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY
VIVIENNE pulls her car into the apartment building’s parking lot. Waiting out front is her teen daughter, NATALIE, and her ex-husband DANNY. Danny acts strange, reserved, avoids eye contact with Natalie. They pull away and Vivienne sees a huge cut on Natalie’s arm. Vivienne’s questions Natalie if her dad had injured her and she evades answering, defending her father. Natalie wants to know why she never gives him a chance anymore. The blood seeps through her bandage and Vivienne heads to the Urgent Care.
INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Before work, Vivienne has a coffee with her best friend, LILY. She shares that she’s having anxiety since her first anniversary being single is at the end of the week. She reveals her suspicions about Danny hurting Natalie. Lily, instead, stands up for him. Vivienne questions how she could make that call when she didn’t really know him. Lily reveals they had an affair after Vivienne had filed for divorce but reassures her that she hasn’t talked to him in ages. Shocked, Vivienne grabs the bill and leaves.
INT. VIVIENNE’S CAR – DAY
Vivienne drives by “La Fois” restaurant (where Danny had proposed to her) and sees Danny having lunch with a blonde WOMAN. She almost gets into an accident. She ends up at work – the 911 Call Center – and talks herself into going in.
INCITING INCIDENT
INT. UPSCALE HOME – NIGHT
HOPE, a blonde Woman, is watching TV when all the lights go out. SOMETHING crosses in front of her window. She rushes upstairs, clamors in a drawer for her flashlight, and calls “911.”
INT. 911 CALL CENTER – NIGHT
Vivienne answers calls, multitasking, literally putting out fires. She sips tea at her station. A call comes in from Hope reporting a power outage. Vivienne tells her a power outage is not an emergency and hangs up to take another call. The woman calls back and now thinks she saw something outside but Vivienne decides there’s not enough to send out a police car. When she calls back a third time Vivienne hears a THUMPING noise, an exchange between her and the attacker, referred to as a pet name, a piercing SCREAM and then silence.
INT. UPSCALE HOME – CONTINUOUS
Officers arrive – too late. They find Hope dead at the bottom of the stairs with what looks like blunt force head trauma.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, POLICE HQ – DAY
Vivienne is being questioned by Police Officers. She tries to remain calm, recounting the call. Learns that there was a fragment of wood found in Hope’s wound. She remembers a thumping sound before the scream. They show her a picture of the woman and she recognizes her as the woman her ex-husband was with at lunch. But she also remembers her from somewhere else. They say the woman’s husband is holding her at fault for not taking action sooner and could be pressing charges.
INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
The 911 Call Supervisor is next to be questioned, she sees Vivienne is shaky and recommends that she take the day off, assuring her that everything will be fine.
EXT. FUNERAL – DAY
Vivienne watches Hope’s funeral from afar. (FLASHBACK to her burying her father as a little girl). Feels like someone is watching her. She walks to her baby boy’s grave and sees fresh flowers left next to it. She starts to have problems breathing.
INT. URGENT CARE – LATER
Vivienne sees the same Doctor from before who tells her she has just had a panic attack. She’s tachycardic, light-headed – he tells her to try to relax. Maybe seek another line of work or get help. He gives her a business card for a psychiatrist to call…Dr. Hugo Gage.
INT. VIVIENNE’S HOME – NIGHT
Vivienne starts to pay off some bills but thinks she’s having an attack. Natalie notices, concerned. After she gets Natalie to bed, she takes out the business card and calls to set up an appt with the psychiatrist.
ACT 2:
INT. VIVIENNE’S HOME – DAY
The next morning, Vivienne and Natalie walk out to find that her car has been hit from behind while still parked in the driveway. She notices there is a blue mark on the bumper. They’re late for school so no time to call the cops.
INT. VIVIENNE’S CAR – DAY
Vivienne drops off Natalie at school. As she gets out, Natalie says that she’s been invited to a friend’s house for a sleepover that night. Vivienne is not happy but there’s nothing she can do.
INT. PSYCHITRATIST’S OFFICE – DAY
Vivienne meets Dr. Gage, her new psychiatrist. He’s charming, handsome, understanding and starts the session with gentle questions about her past. She reveals the last caller was why she decided to seek help…was it her fault? He prescribes tricyclic meds to help her with the anxiety.
INT. PHARMACY – DAY
Vivienne goes straight to the pharmacy to fill the RX. She immediately takes a pill at the counter, surprising the clerk.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Vivienne is questioned by a lawyer as to her negligence in hanging up on the woman who died. She is remorseful but says she could possibly help by figuring out who the killer is. Perhaps she heard something.
INT. CALL CENTER, LOUNGE – DAY
In the lounge of the call center, Vivienne realizes her hands are shaking now more than they did before. She checks the bottle to check the drug’s name, looks it up on her phone. Yep, it’s an antidepressant. Intercom calls her back to her station.
INT. CALL CENTER – LATER
Vivienne avoids calls and the Supervisor catches her not answering. She is reamed out – saying that she could lose her job if she keeps it up.
EXT. VIVIENNE’S PORCH – NIGHT
Vivienne finds a bouquet of flowers on her porch – lilies. She figures they must be an apology from Lily. The flower shop’s logo (Engage with Flowers) is on the card.
INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE – DAY
The next session, Hugo pushes her – probing her for details as well as her feelings for what happened that night. She starts to reveal the sequence of the events she heard on the phone. She thinks she may have heard a clue that would help police find the killer. He increases her dosage – telling her it will help alleviate the anxiety.
MIDPOINT:
INT. LILY’S HOME, KITCHEN – NIGHT
Lights flicker and Lily watches a storm roll past. The lights go dark. She hears footsteps, grabs her cell.
INT. CALL CENTER – CONTINUOUS
Vivienne answers her cell phone, seeing it’s Lily. She thanks her for the flowers but Lily doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Lily is scared – hearing something in her house. But she’s on her cell not on the 911 call lines, so Vivienne can’t phase the call. SCREAM! Vivienne dispatches police and an ambulance anyway. Vivienne breaks down. The Supervisor reacts, tells her to take it to the lounge.
ACT 3
INT. LILY’S HOSPITAL ROOM – LATER
Lily is alive – but unconscious. Vivienne sits by her bedside, crying. Lily’s cell phone buzzes on the nightstand. Curious, Vivienne picks it up and sees a recent call from Danny, thinks Lily is still seeing him.
INT. VIVIENNE’S HOME – DAY
Vivienne takes more pills, angrily breaks a picture of her, her ex-husband and Natalie. Vivienne reveals to Natalie that she lost a little boy because of her ex-husband’s cheating. Natalie grabs the picture in tears and goes to her room, locks her door.
TURNING POINT 3:
I/E VIVIENNE’S CAR – DAY
In front of school, Vivienne waits in car line but her daughter doesn’t show up. A Teacher tells her that she left earlier with her ex-husband. Vivienne calls Natalie who says she’s decided to stay with her dad for a while. Natalie tells her that she’s scared of her mom’s violent behavior. Vivienne hears this loud and clear.
INT. VIVIENNE’S HOME – DAY
Dr. Gage visits Vivienne unexpectedly to see how she’s doing, see if the new dosage is working. He walks in with a cane, sees the home is a wreck, invites himself in, looking at all of her pictures and her house. Vivienne is on an emotional roller coaster and fights to not tell him everything on her mind. She is taken aback by his visit and he tells her that he can increase the dosage if she’s still dealing with anxiety. He makes a pass at her and she throws him out.
After he is gone, Vivienne calls the Doctor at the Urgent Care to ask about Dr. Gage. The Doctor says that he didn’t really know him – he had been there previously with his wife and had taken his card. She asks about the meds that she’s been taking. He tells her that psychiatrists do prescribe that medicine for depression but the dosage is way too high for her. There must be a mistake.
She hangs up and flushes all the pills down the toilet.
ACT 4
INT. CALL CENTER – DAY
Vivienne reports to her desk only to find her Supervisor there holding up a bottle of pills that she had left in her desk drawer. The Supervisor fires her. While she is packing up her box, she recognizes her daughter’s number calling into 911 and she picks it up. It’s Natalie and she’s crying. She tells her mom that she’s hiding in a closet at her dad’s apartment. Someone is trying to hurt her. Vivienne drops everything and runs…telling the Supervisor to dispatch police that she thinks her ex-husband is about to attack her daughter.
I/E APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY
Vivienne races through the parking lot, past a blue car, and into the apartment. She rounds the corner but hears a THUMPING noise coming towards her. She braces to see her ex-husband. But it’s Dr. Gage, walking with his cane. Vivienne remembers the officer explaining the wood in Hope’s wound. She remembers the blue on her battered car. And she remembers Hope was their florist for her wedding – the logo on the flowers that were delivered to her “EnGAGE with Flowers.” She quickly pieces it together – he was Hope’s husband has been behind everything. He comes after her brandishing his cane and as she evades his attack, she calls 911 but no one answers. She then calls her ex-husband who picks up. After running endlessly through the apartment building, he corners her about to give the last blow. She asks him why he did it and he reveals that he saw his wife having an affair and they had a fight which ended in her death. Danny appears and stops Hugo from delivering the last blow.
INT. VIVIENNE’S HOME – LATER
Danny sees Natalie and Vivienne to the house, making sure all is safe inside. She questions Danny about having dinner with Hope & calling Lily. He tells her that if she still trusts him, he will tell her everything tomorrow night. Natalie smiles at her dad.
I/E. LA FOIS – NIGHT
Vivienne enters the restaurant to find it filled with balloons and flowers, and Natalie, Lily and Danny waiting for her. Danny tells her that he had taken Hope, the florist, to lunch and had been coordinating with Lily to plan this event for her. Danny approaches and gets down on one knee. To mark the date of their anniversary, he asks for her hand in marriage again, apologizing and promising to be a better husband and father.
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Melanie’s Thriller Map 1
What I learned is: it’s a process but mapping everything out before writing the synopsis certainly helps! There are so many moving parts, the possibility of dropping something is huge.
Here’s a start…
ACT 1:
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY
VIVIENNE pulls her car into the apartment building’s parking lot. Waiting out front is her teen daughter, NATALIE, and her ex-husband DANNY. Danny acts strange, reserved, waves goodbye as Natalie gets in. They pull away and Vivienne sees a huge cut on Natalie’s arm. Vivienne’s questions Natalie if her dad had injured her and she evades answering, defending her father. Natalie wants to know why she never gives him a chance anymore. The blood seeps through her bandage and Vivienne heads to the Urgent Care.
INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Before work, Vivienne shares a coffee with her best friend, LILY. She shares her suspicions about Danny hurting Natalie. Lily, instead, stands up for him. Vivienne questions how she could make that call when she didn’t really know him. Lily reveals they had an affair after Vivienne had filed for divorce but reassures her that she hasn’t talked to him in ages. Shocked, Vivienne grabs the bill and leaves.
INT. VIVIENNE’S CAR – DAY
Vivienne drives by “La Fois” restaurant (where Danny had proposed to her) and sees Danny having lunch with a blonde WOMAN. She almost gets into an accident. She ends up at work – the 911 Call Center – and talks herself into going in.
INCITING INCIDENT
INT. UPSCALE HOME – NIGHT
HOPE, a blonde Woman, is watching TV when all the lights go out. SOMETHING crosses in front of her window. She rushes upstairs, clamors in a drawer for her flashlight, and calls “911.”
INT. 911 CALL CENTER – NIGHT
Vivienne answers calls, multitasking, literally putting out fires. She sips tea at her station. A call comes in from Hope reporting a power outage. Vivienne tells her a power outage is not an emergency and hangs up to take another call. The woman calls back and now thinks she saw something outside but Vivienne decides there’s not enough to send out a police car. When she calls back a third time Vivienne hears a THUMPING noise, an exchange between her and the attacker, referred to as a pet name, a piercing SCREAM and then silence.
INT. UPSCALE HOME – CONTINUOUS
Officers arrive – too late. They find Hope dead at the bottom of the stairs with what looks like blunt force head trauma.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, POLICE HQ – DAY
Vivienne is being questioned by Police Officers. She tries to remain calm, recounting the call. Learns that there was a fragment of wood found in Hope’s wound. She remembers a thumping sound before the scream. They show her a picture of the woman and she recognizes her as the woman her ex-husband was with at lunch. But she also remembers her from somewhere else. They say the woman’s husband is holding her at fault for not taking action sooner and could be pressing charges.
INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
The 911 Call Supervisor is next to be questioned, she sees Vivienne is shaky and recommends that she take the day off, assuring her that everything will be fine.
EXT. FUNERAL – DAY
Vivienne watches Hope’s funeral from afar. (FLASHBACK to her burying her father as a little girl). Feels like someone is watching her. She starts to have problems breathing, runs to her car.
INT. URGENT CARE – LATER
Vivienne sees the same Doctor from before who tells her she has just had a panic attack. She’s tachycardic, light-headed – he tells her to try to relax. Maybe seek another line of work or get help. He gives her a business card for a psychiatrist to call…Dr. Hugo Gage.
INT. VIVIENNE’S HOME – NIGHT
Vivienne starts to pay off some bills but thinks she’s having another attack. Natalie notices, concerned. After she gets Natalie to bed, she takes out the business card and calls to set up an appt with the psychiatrist.
…..
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Melanie Misdirects…When Appropriate
What I learned: I discovered that I had already included a few misdirects unintentionally. This exercise has triggered some new ideas on how to effectively use some of these misdirects for the red herring character further!
Clue Misdirection:
The recent calls to Danny on her best friend’s phone were to coordinate a party he was throwing for Vivienne where he wanted to ask for her hand again.
Character Misdirection:
I need to work these into beats but want to work on Danny’s mishandling of the wound found on Natalie in the beginning, his meeting with the soon-to-be murdered blonde woman, his anger at Vivienne’s growing suspicion through Act 3 and his lack of empathy when her best friend ends up in the hospital. I feel a lot of this misdirection is really his lack of sensibility from a woman’s point of view and will be subtle at most.
Dialogue Misdirection:
On the 911 call in the beginning, Vivienne pieces it together that the woman caller is talking to Danny, her husband. She’s enraged hearing her call him a pet name except in reality she is actually talking to Hugo, her husband. In the end Hugo slips using this pet name in one of their sessions.
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Melanie Gives Great Clues
What I learned was how to weave a realistic clue trail in the through line and the necessity to plot how the clues are revealed before you actually write the script. Planning is key!
Mysteries of Story:
1) Was the woman caller killed in the beginning? And, if so, who did it?
Her house was the only one on the block with a power outage.
In her last call she was screaming, yelling at an “intruder.”
On playback of the 911 call – and there’s a specific thumping sound on wood flooring.
She was found dead at the bottom of the stairs.
Neighbors heard a loud fight.
Hugo is revealed in the last scene as her husband and killer.
2) Was this dead woman seeing Vivienne’s ex-husband, Danny?
She is a blonde – his type.
She has a receipt to a restaurant that Vivienne used to frequent with Danny.
Danny’s car make/model was identified on that street the night of her murder.
At the end, when Danny saves Vivienne at the hands of Hugo, and Hugo recognizes Danny for having an affair with the blonde woman (Hugo’s wife).
3) Who tried to kill Vivienne’s best friend?
Same power outage pretense.
She also ended up at the bottom of the stairs – but she was still alive.
On playback of the 911 call, there’s the same thumping sound behind her.
Danny’s phone number appears as a recent call on her best friend’s cell phone.
When Vivienne goes to rescue her daughter, Natalie recognizes Hugo as driving by the house when she at the sleepover that night.
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Melanie’s Dramatic Reveals
What I learned: This exercise revealed I don’t know much about reveals! Just when I thought I was getting the hang of things, here comes this wrench thrown into the mix. Seriously, need to work on these but here are some starters.
Reveals:
What happened between Vivienne and her ex-husband to make her hate him so? (Vivienne’s wound)
Cover-up: Vivienne never talks about it. Ever. Avoids the topic with daughter.
Demand: Natalie finds a box of baby boy things in the attic when her friends are over for a sleepover.
Reveal: Natalie confronts Vivienne in front of her friends, questioning her ability to tell the truth. Shows her the box of things. Vivienne breaks down finally revealing that she had a miscarriage brought on by the stress of her ex-husband cheating on her.
What happened to Vivienne’s car?
Cover-up: Vivienne’s car is hit in the middle of the night. No one saw it.
Demand: Vivienne wakes up in the morning to find the back of her sedan totaled. Possibly the kids in the neighborhood are behind it but it happens when everything around her is falling apart. She feels that she’s the target.
Reveal: When Vivienne walks up to her last session with Hugo, she sees a faint blue mark on his right fender -the same color as her car.
Why aren’t Vivienne’s meds helping?
Cover-up: Hugo prescribes them and continues to up the dosage, telling her everyone responds differently to meds.
Demand: After trying the new dosage, Vivienne’s heart rate sky-rockets and she has a panic attack. She calls a doctor friend to ask about the medication.
Reveal: The pills are a tricylcic antidepressant but the prescription is way over her correct dosage.
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Melanie’s Trust Relationships
What I learned: By incorporating trust/distrust relationships, I’m actually getting to know the hero better. I’ve got a long way to go but it helps throwing situations at her where she questions whether or not to trust the villain/red herring character and how she reacts to each. Cool.
Characters:
Hero: Vivienne Worth
Villain: Hugo Gage
Red Herring Character: Danny Worth, Vivienne’s ex-husband
Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Hugo Gage
Isn’t trusted, but should be: Lily Kramer, her best friend
Character States:
Hero: Vivienne Worth
Trustable. She’s a 911 Operator, handles people’s emergencies, and is a trusted go-to source for help.
Underneath it all, she’s wavering. She’s been strong for years in this line of work but having heard a woman die on the other end of the line, she questions her own credibility. Can she really be trusted with other people’s lives?
Depending on her success on the job, and taking her recent med prescription, she can flip back and forth from trusting herself vs. not trusting herself.
Villain: Hugo Gage
Trustable. His profession as a psychiatrist has a built in trust factor. His demeanor also contributes to his trust-ability since he is soft-spoken, thoughtful, and takes care of his plants with impeccable precision.
On the outside, he appears like the perfect quintessential therapist – a trusted caretaker of Vivienne’s deepest secrets. However, inside he is at war believing his client’s negligence helped take the life of his wife.
He wants to get into Vivienne’s head, so he will appear trustable to her in order to get what he wants.
Red Herring: Danny Worth (ex-husband)
Not Trustable. He’s Vivienne’s ex-husband for a reason, after hiding an extra marital affair. She would rather not have anything to do with him but is forced to face him as they coordinate visitation of their daughter.
He wants to be trusted, even though he’s messed up in the past, and appears to be for his daughter’s sake. However, he’s selfishly motivated and will do what he thinks is right in the circumstances.
Isn’t Trusted but should be: Lily Kramer (best friend)
Not Trustable. She reveals to Vivienne that she had a brief affair with her ex-husband. It’s devastating to Vivienne and changes her perspective on their friendship.
In conversation with Vivienne, she takes on the nurturing/supportive friend. She’s a widower, though, and will try to climb the ladder at the country club even if it means betraying a friend’s trust. She ends up being a victim of the killer.
Trust/Distrust Sequences:
Vivienne/Hugo
Trust: Vivienne assumes Hugo has her best interest at heart as her psychiatrist. She finally decides to talk to someone about her PTSD working at the call center and more specifically failing with the woman who died while on the phone with her.
Distrust: Hugo asks a question that seems inappropriate in the session – asking her exactly what happened on that particular 911 call and why she was negligent.
Trust: He prescribes medication to treat her anxiety.
Distrust: The medication does the opposite and makes her anxious. So she stops taking it.
Trust: He adjusts meds and tells her to call anytime, he’s avail.
Distrust: He shows up at her house the next day to return her umbrella (?). He didn’t call plus how did he know where she lives?
Trust: She researches him on the internet and finds favorable reviews.
Distrust: She goes to help her daughter after her 911 call. When she gets to the house she calls his office phone for help and he picks up. She hears his voice at the house – he’s the killer.
Hero/Red Herring
Vivienne/Danny
Distrust: He had an affair during their marriage and lied about it. This resulted in their divorce.
Distrust: Bruising on Natalie’s arm.
Trust: When she drops him off, she sees him wearing an expensive suit, schlepping dry cleaning. He’s got his act together. He’s friendly and seems like he wants to reconnect.
Distrust: he forgets to pick up Natalie at school, so she has to get her instead.
Distrust: He is at a cafe with another blonde woman. He lied about not being able to get Natalie
Distrust: Lily reveals their affair – his name is mud again.
Trust: He picks up when she calls him for help in the final scene. He rescues her.
Vivienne/Lily
Trust: She seems to want to help, takes her to coffee.
Distrust: Reveals her affair with Danny.
Trust: She invites Natalie over to her daughter’s sleepover and treats her to a night out. Natalie enjoys hanging out with the popular crowd.
Distrust: She avoids her at the country club, hangs out with people they never considered friends.
Trust: She becomes a target for the killer. She calls 911 (gets Vivienne) and pleads for help.
Distrust: Vivienne goes to hospital to visit Lily. Finds she is asleep, looks on her cell phone and sees her ex-husband’s number under recent calls.
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Melanie’s Twists and Turns
What I learned: adding twists and turns create an intricate plot maze.
Act 1
Opening: Lure us into the story and introduce the lead character in action
Vivienne picks up daughter from her ex-husband’s house and finds a wound on her arm. Vivienne takes her to Urgent Care.
Vivienne talks to best friend about past trauma working at 911 along with her hateful ex-husband.
Direction: She is looking for compassion and someone to talk to
Twist: Turns out the best friend had dated her ex-husband briefly. Vivienne now knows she can’t talk to her about him.
Her best friend recommends seeing a professional to help her deal with everything.
Direction: Vivienne decides to confront husband about the wound on her daughter’s arm.
Twist: She sees her ex-husband at a cafe on a date with a blonde woman.
Inciting Incident: An event that propels the Hero on the journey
Vivienne is at work (the 911 Call Center) and receives
a woman caller who reports a power outage. Vivienne passes it off as a non-emergency, there’s no patrol car near her location and to call the power company. She calls back thinking she saw a shadow outside her home. Vivienne tells her to call the power company, hold tight. The next time she calls, she’s been stabbed and is at the hands of an intruder. She questions why she didn’t believe her. Vivienne hears her being bludgeoned to death on the call. Officers arrive – too late.
Direction: Vivienne blows the woman off.
Twist: The woman we recognize as being with her ex-husband previously.
Funeral.
Officers confront her after the woman’s husband questions her fault on not taking the murder seriously. (Villain Plan 1)
Direction: Vivienne answers their questions
Twist: In doing so, the supervisor starts to question her mistakes.
Turning Point 1: A major twist that locks the hero into the conflict. Point of no return.
Officers take her in for questioning. She becomes a suspect. Vivienne has a panic attack.
Act 2
Vivienne starts therapy…with psychiatrist Hugo Gage. He starts to ask probing questions. Did her actions kill the woman? She is overcome with guilt. (Villain Plan 2)(Life Threatening Seq 1)
She fills RX for medication.
Direction: She takes the pill, looking for relief.
Twist: The medication gives her more anxiety.
She takes Natalie to her friend’s home for a sleepover.
At work a call comes into 911, Vivienne is on another call and her supervisor takes it. Officers are dispatched.
Direction: Officers investigate the scene.
Twist: We see it’s Natalie’s friend’s mom who has been killed. (Life Threatening Seq 2)
Natalie is questioned again by the cops
Direction: She tells them she walked home with her friend.
Twist: She’s caught in a lie and officers think she is covering for her mom.
Vivienne takes more pills. Increases her anxiety level. (Mystery 2)(Life Threatening Seq 3)
Midpoint: A major revelation. The opposition is 10x worse than thought.
Vivienne’s best friend calls her at 911. Her power is out and an intruder enters. The same circumstances as before. (Villain Plan 3)
Direction: The killer attacks the next victim.
Twist: But after he leaves, we see she is alive.
Act 3
Direction: Vivienne is at her best friend’s side at the hospital. This is too close for comfort.
Twist: While her friend sleeps, she sees on her cell that her ex-husband had called her last night.
She follows her ex-husband thinking that he may be the killer. (Mystery 3)
Direction: Vivienne tells Natalie she is not to see her dad due to the danger.
Twist: Natalie thinks she’s behind the cases and goes to stay with her dad anyway. (Life Threatening Seq 4)
Turning Point 2: Major setback. The lowest of the low.
Her daughter calls dad to pick her up because she doesn’t want to live with her mom anymore. She’s OD’ing on prescription drugs. She’s slipping at work. And she gets a mysterious call threatening her daughter’s life. (Life Threatening Seq 5)
Act 4:
Direction: Before leaving for work, Vivienne flushes her pills, throws out her alcohol. She realizes they are affecting her judgement and she needs to get a grip to protect her daughter.
Twist: At work, the supervisor finds pills in Vivienne’s desk, and fires her. (Life Threatening Seq 5)
Climax: The ultimate expression of the main conflict
Daughter calls 911, Vivienne recognizes the number and picks it up. Daughter is hiding in a closet from an intruder. Vivienne leaves to rescue her. (Mystery 4) (Villain Plan 4)(Life Threatening Seq 6)
Direction: Vivienne gets there and expects to find her ex-husband
Twist: She comes face to face with Hugo Gage – her psychiatrist is the killer and husband to the woman who had called. (Villain Plan 5)(Life Threatening Seq 7).
He gains the upper hand – intending to kill her because she let his wife die. She calls 911 but the Supervisor doesn’t pick-up.
Direction: Vivienne calls her ex-husband, the last person she ever thought she’d call, for help.
Twist: Her ex-husband comes to the rescue and saves her life. Hugo is arrested.
Resolution: The end of the journey in an emotionally satisfying way.
Vivienne gets daughter back, and mends relationship with ex-husband. New therapist turns into her new best friend.
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Melanie’s Thriller Plot!
What I learned: Now I can see how every scene can drive the plot with mystery, suspense or intrigue. I know I’ll need to dig deeper, but it’s great to have a road map.
Act 1
Opening:
Vivienne picks up daughter from her ex-husband’s house and finds a wound on her arm. Vivienne takes her to Urgent Care.
Vivienne talks to best friend about past trauma working at 911 along with her hateful ex-husband. Turns out the best friend had dated him briefly. She recommends seeing a professional to help her deal with everything.
On the way back to pick up her daughter at school she sees her ex-husband at a cafe with a blonde woman.
Inciting Incident:
Vivienne is at work (the 911 Call Center) and handles a woman caller who reports a power outage. Vivienne passes it off as a non-emergency, there’s no patrol car near her location and to call the power company. She calls back thinking she saw a shadow outside her home. Vivienne tells her to call the power company, hold tight. The next time she calls, she’s been stabbed and is at the hands of an intruder. She questions why she didn’t believe her. Vivienne hears her being bludgeoned to death on the call. Officers arrive – too late.
Funeral.
A witness testimony at the scene throws Vivienne’s lack of help into question. Officers question her. (Villain Plan 1)
Turning Point 1: A major twist that locks the hero into the conflict. Point of no return.
Officers take her in for questioning. She becomes a suspect. Vivienne has a panic attack.
Act 2
Vivienne starts therapy…with psychiatrist Hugo Gage. He starts to ask probing questions. Did her actions kill the woman? She is overcome with guilt. (Villain Plan 2)(Life Threatening Seq 1)
She fills RX for medication.
A call comes into 911 from her cell, Vivienne is on another call and her supervisor takes it. Officers are dispatched. Natalie goes home with her friend, and we see it’s her friend’s mom who has been killed. (Life Threatening Seq 2)
Vivienne takes more pills. Starts drinking. (Mystery 2)(Life Threatening Seq 3)
Midpoint:
Vivienne’s best friend calls her at 911. Her power is out and she gets killed by same intruder. The same circumstances as before. (Villain Plan 3)
Act 3
She starts to worry that her ex-husband is behind everything and confronts him. She follows him. (Mystery 3)
Natalie wants to go to her dad’s. She thinks her mom is losing it. (Life Threatening Seq 4)
Turning Point 2:
Her daughter calls dad to pick her up because of she doesn’t want to live with her mom anymore. She’s OD’ing on prescription drugs. She’s slipping at work. And she gets a mysterious call threatening her daughter’s life. (Life Threatening Seq 5)
Act 4:
Before leaving for work, Vivienne flushes her pills, throws out her alcohol. She realizes they are affecting her judgement and she needs to get a grip to protect her daughter.
At work, the supervisor finds pills in Vivienne’s desk, and fires her. (Life Threatening Seq 5)
Climax:
Daughter calls 911, Vivienne recognizes number and picks it up. Daughter is hiding from an intruder. Vivienne leaves to rescue her. (Mystery 4) (Villain Plan 4)(Life Threatening Seq 6)
Vivienne gets there and is face to face with Hugo Gage – the killer (Villain Plan 5)(Life Threatening Seq 7). He gains the upper hand – intending to kill her because she let his wife die. She calls 911 but the Supervisor doesn’t pick-up. Her ex-husband comes home, and saves her life. Hugo is arrested.
Resolution:
Vivienne gets daughter back, mends relationship with ex-husband. New therapist turns into her new best friend. (Or something like that? Still working on it!)
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Melanie’s Life Threatening Sequence
What I learned: Each scene needs an element of danger and the more ways you can offer that sense of thrill, the better.
What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the Hero in danger?
Hugo Gage is her therapist and husband to a wife who had called 911 and suffered death at what he thinks is Vivienne’s negligence.
His plan is to avenge his wife’s death by inflicting trauma and death among Vivienne’s friends and family. Each call 911 too late for help and each happen a little closer to home until it’s her daughter who is the target.
While enacting his plan, she sees him for PTSD therapy where he can gauge the effectiveness of each crime, as he measures Vivienne’s response. She opens herself up to him, unaware that he is the killer. The fact that she won’t apologize for her death, causes him to escalate each death.
What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain?
She opens herself up to him psychologically as well. She’s an open book, and under his control.
Her daughter is an angry teen. She won’t let her mom in, and she fears she is doing drugs/hanging out with a bad group of friends. She’s in danger of losing her daughter.
Her work suffers, she starts to lose confidence in handling difficult situations. Danger of losing her job.
Public humiliation.
Danger of losing her friends.
Danger of having a meltdown she won’t recover from.
Hugo gives her meds – danger of OD’ing.
Danger of losing custody.
From the list of potential dangers, choose the ones that work for this story.
Sequence those dangers in order:
In a therapy session – Hugo probes, deepening Vivienne’s PTSD wounds.
She answers a 911 call that is from one of her acquaintances- that she mentioned during a session. Intruder kills her.
Daughter, Natalie, gives her a hard time – wants to go to live with her ex-husband.
Vivienne takes meds, starting to lose touch.
At work, another 911 call from a friend. She ends up dead.
Therapy session goes deeper, he increases her dosage of meds.
Supervisor finds meds in her purse at work. Questions them/her ability to keep working.
911 call from her daughter. She leaves work to find her.
When she gets there, she comes face to face with killer…and no one to call.
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NEW Assignment 6
Melanie’s Mystery Sequence
I learned that you have to be flexible if something isn’t working with the plot. This week I made a complete 180, went back to the beginning and changed the entire plot and the villain. Nothing like an extreme make-over half way through the class!
New Villain: Hugo Gage: Vivienne’s therapist and husband to a wife who had called 911 and suffered death at what he thinks is Vivienne’s negligence.
What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up?
– Did Vivienne cause the woman’s death at the beginning of the story?
How many ways can they cover that secret? 4 mysteries – for starters.
Make a list of your main mysteries/create mystery chain:
1. Who killed Natalie’s friend’s mom? Vivienne took 911 call but it was too late. She knew the mom through school – she was the mom of her daughter’s friend. Her ex-husband encourages her to go to therapy and possibly take meds to help with PTSD. Investigator interviews therapist (Hugo) and he points them down a rabbit hole.
2. Is Vivienne OD’ing on prescription drugs? Her therapist keeps increasing dosage. She’s caught taking drugs at work and making questionable judgement calls. Her daughter starts to notice changes in her behavior and asks to stay with her father instead. Vivienne is angry, jealous of her daughter picking sides.
3. Is there a killer on the lose? Is it Vivienne? Another 911 call, another one of Vivienne’s friends ends up dead. She starts to unravel in therapy. Investigators start to question her connection to the string of deaths. She tells them of her ex-husband’s infidelity and how he knew each of the victims too.
4. Is her ex-husband the killer? (Red Herring) A 911 call comes in from her daughter from her ex-husband’s house. She leaves work to rescue her. However, now she’s in imminent danger and there’s no one left at the call center.
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Melanie’s Villain has a Great Plan!
What I learned: By reverse engineering the villain’s plan you have a cool road map for the rest of the thriller. You can then intertwine the protagonist’s story throughout the villain’s journey.
What is the Villain’s end goal? Hank Gage, Chatham County cop and part of the Counter Narcotic Team tactical unit, is ready to live like the criminals he’s taken down for years and sweep his new knock-out/trophy girlfriend off her feet. But he’ll need cash and lots of it to seal the deal. His plan? Steal from a big drug deal going down at Port Wentworth. His end goal is the American dream – even if it means buying his way to a better life.
How can he accomplish this in a devious way? He will be the first on scene to steal the next big take before any of his unit are aware it exists. At the scene, he’ll kill all suspects. Operating as an exemplary cop on the case, he’ll take the lead, micromanage, and wrap the case up quickly.
How can he cover it up?
– Control evidence from the crime scene
– Silence any witnesses
– Close the case as soon as possible
– Stash cash in a “safe” place
Sequence it to make as intriguing as possible:
1. Pay off an informant (past druggie) to give him the lead on the next drug deal at the port so he can be first on scene and swipe the majority of the take before anyone else gets there.
2. Self-wound at scene using drug dealer’s gun
3. Stash cash in a hiding spot in his house
4. Manipulate police investigation to point to informant – run him out of town.
5. Falsify police report
6. Determine any witnesses from 911 tapes/silence them.
7. Destroy any evidence
8. Go on extended medical leave to a remote island with his new girlfriend – taking cash.
9. Take early retirement and start over...
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Melanie’s – BI Stacking Suspense
What I learned: Stacking suspense is like a layered cake – each layer offers something different but adds to the overall flavor of the piece.
Specifically what I learned:
– Every aspect of each scene should be hitting on either mystery, intrigue or suspense. And no scene should be without any of them. So, although I already shoot for no extraneous material in scenes, this really hit home for me.
– Setting serves as another character in the film. It can offers intrigue, and an overall sense of dread if you do it right. Of course it will come down to how a location is shot, but as a writer it falls on me to lead production there in the first place. Each setting in Silence of the Lambs lent the film a thrill – from Hannibal’s immaculate cell to Bill’s surreal mannequin filled basement.
– Every character should be interesting and offer their own MIS. Nick has flaws – which adds to more mystery in the script. Clarise’s wound of not being able to save the lamb threads the entire script together and feeds Hannibal throughout the plot.
– The more you MIS you add, the better. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats in every scene. Conversely if you don’t have any MIS in a scene, you could stand losing them along the way. No bathroom breaks!
– Tracking all of these elements is complex and the spreadsheet is a Godsend!
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Melanie’s World and Characters
What I learned: Adding MIS to all of your elements not only engages the audience further but it also raises the overall stakes in the script.
Big Mystery: Who killed Vivienne’s daughter’s best friend and why?
Big Intrigue: While Vivienne’s mind is trying to piece together the events of the murder, the killer has figured out she was the 911 Operator who heard the crime on the phone. And thinks she has evidence pointing to him in as the killer…
Big Suspense: Will Vivienne be the next victim? Will she figure out who did it in time to save herself and her daughter?
World: The spiraling, frenetic and dark world of the 911 emergency call center – where every call is the worst day of someone’s life and where the answering operator must try to walk them through a life or death situation and shut out the gruesome reality outside.
Characters:
LEAD: Vivienne (911 Operator/Mother to Natalie):
A. Mystery: Did her daughter kill her best friend on the call that she took?
B. Suspense: She deals with PTSD from a previous case and has come back to work from taking a personal break. Her coping mechanisms, though, start to fail under the pressure of the last call and now impending case against her daughter since she was at the scene of the murder.
C. Intrigue: Will the killer target her next?
VILLAIN: Chief of Police/Father to Victim
Mystery: He’s a calculating, confident, strong cop with skeletons in the closet. How long will he be able to get away with the truth about stolen drug money?
Suspense: He’s killed before in the line of duty and his large countenance and commanding persona is not someone you want to make mad.
Intrigue: He has been secretly pocketing stolen drug money from crime scenes. He’s pissed off the bad guys and now they are coming for what is theirs.
RED HERRING: NATALIE (Daughter of Vivienne/Best Friend of Victim)
Mystery: Did she kill her best friend?
Suspense: She’s an angst filled teen full of secrets and anger. If she did kill her best friend, is her mom now in danger too?
Intrigue: Is she hiding something that happened at the murder scene? After a history of lying about other things, is she telling the truth?
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Assignment 2
Melanie’s Big M.I.S.
What I learned: Even from the start the plot is beginning to twist and turn. So glad to have the guidance for each step – thank you!
Logline:
A 911 operator is the only witness to a murder on an incoming call, and as she starts to piece together the audio clues that point towards the killer, the killer has already figured out she knows.
1.
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Vivienne is a 911 operator and single mom who lives alone with her teen daughter after a bitter divorce. Although she is by nature strong, she suffers from PTSD after a previous disturbing call and now she must struggle to keep it together after this murder threatens to psychologically do her in.
Dangerous Villain: Police Chief Kurt Rogers
High stakes: She’s the only one that heard the murder on the call and witnessed a clue that could reveal the killer. However, her daughter was at the scene – her best friend was killed – and picks up the phone. Now she could be implicated in the murder.
Life and death situations: 911 calls, her daughter’s best friend’s murder, her daughter is suspected of being the killer, angry encounters with her ex-husband, and the killer confronts her at the end.
This story is thrilling because Vivienne, while psychologically fragile and alone, pieces together the clues that she heard on the call to solve the murder – while the killer tracks her down.
2.
Big Mystery: Who killed Vivienne’s daughter’s best friend and why?
Big Intrigue: While Vivienne’s mind is trying to piece together the events of the murder, the killer must stop her from exposing him with the power he wields.
Big Suspense: Will Vivienne be the next victim? Will she figure out who did it in time to save herself and her daughter?
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1. Melanie Forchetti
2. How many screenplays you’ve written? Around 15, give or take.
3. What you hope to get out of the class? I’d love to better understand the structure of a thriller and be able to use that as a guideline for a screenplay I’m currently working on.
4. At one point I pursued a veterinarian career. I would love to one day run an animal shelter.
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Melanie Forchetti
What I learned: thrillers are complex and constantly shifting stories. Pacing is very important as well as planting red herrings to keep the audience’s attention.
Thriller I watched: “The Woman in the Window”
A. Unwitting/Resourceful Hero: Dr. Anna Fox. She’s a former child psychologist who is agoraphobic (fear of going outside) after a family tragedy and lives in a brownstone in NY, drinking and taking medication to treat her depression.
B. Dangerous Villain: Ethan Russell. He’s a seemingly innocent 15yo and lives across the street from Anna. In reality, though, he’s an angry teen who can switch personalities and cunningly plays right into Anna’s desire to help him.
C. High Stakes: Anna sees the murder of Ethan’s mom (“Jane Russell”) across the street but can’t leave her house to help. She calls the cops and accuses the Mr. Russell and her basement tenant (who she finds out is on parole) of being possible suspects. They all have motive and seem dangerous.
D. The movie is thrilling because Anna seems so helplessly alone and drunk, stuck in her house unable to leave while possible suspects come in and out of her house. Once she starts accusing people, though, you know that the murderer will stop at nothing to kill her too.
Big Mystery: Who killed Jane Russell (the neighbor)? And then, who is Jane Russell?
Big Intrigue: Ethan, the boy, stalks her throughout the film (we find this out at the end) and actually is staying in her apartment as he plans to kill her. In a drunk stupor, she is unaware that he is even there.
Big Suspense: Trapped in her apartment due to her phobia, she has to confront the killer alone.
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Melanie Forchetti
I agree to the terms of this release form.
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Thanks so much for a great course! I’ve managed to finish my first draft and a rewrite – yay :)! I’m also not ready for feedback yet since I want to go back and make more additions/revisions but hopefully soon!
Also as an fyi, I did experience several glitches as well when trying to post to forums. And did feel there was a disconnect with when emails were sent to when the assignments were available online to finally when you could post your work in the forum. Other than that, I am grateful for the valuable lessons you provided on building structure and will certainly continue to use these skills for not only this script but many more! So, thank you!! I hope to continue to take more courses with you guys :)!
Best,
Melanie Forchetti
Writer/Casting Director
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Melanie’s Chronological Edit
What I learned: the script is getting into fairly good shape but there is definitely more improvement needed. I really needed work on getting the structure of a screenplay down before starting the writing process and I think this course did help with that. Is it done? Not at all but I’m hoping to complete several rewrites and get it into tip-top shape after class is over.
Here’s what I worked on:
1. Dialogue. This script is set in 1777, so I will continue to go back and tweak the nomenclature. But I’ve worked on the “less is more” idea by cutting back on exposition through dialogue.
2. Descriptions. Even though I rewrote a lot of the scene descriptions, I need to cut WAY back during the action sequences. I will continue to work on this.
3. I’ve bookended the script with modern day scenes to retell the story which I hope takes the script to another level.
4. I’ve also tightened scenes to improve the flow of the piece altogether.
All in all this course has helped me get a first draft and rewrite done for a story I’ve been wanting to tell – thank you! It’s slightly too short for a feature, though, so I still have work to do 🙂 Thanks for a great class!
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Melanie’s Solved Scene Problems
What I learned: I had a lot of scenes that needed depth, so I’ve been revising dialogue. Writing at such a fast pace, I had neglected to put arcs in all of the scenes. I’ve also added a few more scenes to add depth to character – especially her father. I’m still working on adding arc to all of the scenes that need it but have included the scenes with her father that I’ve revised.
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Act 1: Dinner scene revision
INT. LUDINGTON FARMHOUSE – NIGHT
Sybil’s large family – her mother, father and eleven siblings sit around the farmhouse table. Sybil helps the youngest child, HENRY, cutting the meat in his stew.
The other boys – JACOB, GEORGE, WILLIAM – all eat quietly, listening intently to their father.
JACOB
Tell us a story, father.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
You want to hear any battle stories. They’re not for children.
His eyes are dark, mixed with anger, sadness.
GEORGE
Please, father. Just one.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
George. No.
HENRY
Please, father. Please.
Colonel pauses. Sybil watches him closely, marking his every word.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
It had been a long day of walking back home, some of the men were without proper boots. We decided to set up camp for the night in a small field with a dozen large oak trees surrounding it. When we heard something.
HENRY
What did you hear?
COLONEL LUDINGTON
It started as a faint beat.
BUM! BUM! He drummed his finger on the dinner table growing louder…BUM! BUM!
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Until…
BUM! He pounds the table with the palm of his hand. The children JUMP and so does his wife. Except for Sybil who listens calmly.
JACOB
What was it?
GEORGE
Was it the British?
COLONEL LUDINGTON
It was…
Emily eyes her husband as if to say don’t tell…
COLONEL LUDINGTON
A lone drummer looking for his band.
The kids LAUGH!
JACOB
Did you kill anyone, father?
George’s eyes light up while Mary, her sister, grimaces. Snickers from the others.
MARY
Jacob!
EMILY
Sybil, start cleaning up the dishes.
SYBIL
But I’m listening to his story.
EMILY
Sybil. I don’t want to ask you again.
Her mother’s look cuts her short, and she gets up stubbornly, going into the kitchen. From the adjoining room, though, Sybil listens, intently.
Her father’s jowl tightens, looking at each of his children in earnest.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Hundreds of men lost their lives fighting for our country. Many of my soldiers. The ones that came back without limbs? They were the lucky ones.
JACOB
Yes, father. But did you kill anyone?
Silence at the table.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Jacob, listen to me. In war you do what you need to do to stay alive. Whatever it takes.
HENRY
Father, can I fight when I’m older?
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Not with a bad leg, son.
Henry sinks in his chair, crestfallen. He pokes his wooden leg with a fork.
EMILY
Henry, enough of that. Leave it.
Sybil peeks from around the corner, dish in hand.
SYBIL
What is war like, father?
He bites into a piece of bread, stewing at her question.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
You have work to do.
He takes another bite of meat, looking away.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
I hope none of you ever have to know.
CUT TO:
Act 2: Addition of Mother and Father scene once Sybil has left
INT. LUDINGTON FARMHOUSE – NIGHT
The Messenger has fallen asleep from the pain. Doctor Freeman takes his pulse again, peering at him over his glasses. Emily looks out the window, straining for a glimpse of her daughter in the night.
EMILY
If you’re not going, then I will.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
I can’t leave, Emily. The British could be here any minute.
EMILY
Well, I can’t wait here.
She goes to grab her cape by the door, but the Colonel grabs her arm.
EMILY
She could be hurt out there.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
She did this to herself.
EMILY
She just wanted your approval. Your forgiveness. She did this to prove to you that she is worth your love.
Colonel Ludington joins her at the window.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
She’s my daughter, of course I love her.
EMILY
I know that but does she?
He looks out the window.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
She’ll be okay out there. She’s braver than all of our boys combined.
Emily turns from his embrace, angered.
EMILY
If the situation was reversed, she’d go after you in a heartbeat.
She briskly leaves him, going back down the hallway to their bedroom.
Act 2: Midpoint FB revision
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. LUDINGTON FARM – DAY
Doctor Freeman works over Henry’s bleeding leg. All of Sybil’s siblings have gathered around him while his mother holds him. He SOBS in pain.
HENRY
Mommy!
Sybil stands awkwardly at the door. Her face whiter than a ghost.
EMILY
Please tell me you save the leg, Doctor. Please.
He uses a tourniquet on the leg to stop the bleeding. He draws it tighter.
SCREAM. Henry is covered in blood. As is Sybil.
EMILY
You’ll be okay, my sweet boy. It will be over soon.
She kisses his sweaty forehead.
The Doctor looks up, his hands shaking.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
It’s not good.
EMILY
Please.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
He’ll die if we don’t take it, I’m afraid.
Margaret, Sybil’s sister, GASPS. Sybil sinks to the floor in tears.
The Doctor turns to Emily.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
Yarrow. I need yarrow.
EMILY
Children. Quickly! Help the doctor.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
It’s a small white flower. It takes away the pain on animals. I don’t know, it’s worth a try. Hurry!
Sybil and the children run out of the house in search of the flower.
The old man hands Emily a stick.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
For the pain. This will hurt.
Sybil’s eyes go wide on the porch and we hear a SCREAM from inside the house…
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Melanie’s Solved Character Problems
What I learned: I needed to go back to the protagonist’s wound to make her journey stronger. I’ve revised scenes through dialogue and flashbacks as a result.
What I worked on: Protagonist’s Journey
Act 1:
Added subtext of troubled relationship between Sybil and her father. We see how her father regards her at the table and through dialogue understand a past incident has come between the two of them.
Act 2:
A flashback to her “wound” as she remembers the incident that has been her cross..
Act 3:
At her lowest point, she remembers a conversation she overheard between her parents and how her father holds the incident against her.
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Act 1: 2 Scenes
INT. LUDINGTON FARMHOUSE – NIGHT
Sybil’s large family – her mother, father and eleven siblings sit around the farmhouse table. Sybil helps the youngest child, Henry, cutting the meat in his stew.
The boys – JACOB, HENRY, GEORGE, WILLIAM – all eat quietly to listening intently to their father.
JACOB
Tell us a story, father.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
I don’t know that you want to hear any of them. They’re not bedtime stories.
His eyes are dark, mixed with anger, sadness, and horror.
GEORGE
Please, father. Just one.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
We were all standing at the ridge of the field as the
JACOB
Did you kill anyone, father?
George’s eyes light up while Mary, her sister, grimaces. Snickers from the others.
MARY
Jacob!
EMILY
Sybil, start cleaning up the dishes.
SYBIL
But I’m listening to his story.
EMILY
Sybil. I don’t want to ask you again.
Her mother’s look cuts her short, and she gets up stubbornly, going into the kitchen. From the adjoining room, though, Sybil listens, intently.
Her father’s jowl tightens, looking at each of his children in earnest.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
War is serious, boys. (Pause) Hundreds of men lost their lives fighting for our country. Many of my soldiers lost their lives. The ones that came back without limbs? They were the lucky ones.
JACOB
Yes, father. But did you kill anyone?
Silence at the table.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Jacob, listen to me. In war you do what you need to do to stay alive. Whatever it takes.
HENRY
Father, can I fight when I’m older.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Not with only one good leg, son.
Henry sinks in his chair, crestfallen. He pokes his wooden leg with a fork.
EMILY
Henry, enough of that. Leave it.
Sybil peeks from around the corner, dish in hand.
SYBIL
What is war like, father?
He bites into a piece of bread, stewing at her question.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Haven’t you done enough to this family?
She creeps back to the dishes, tears welling in her eyes. He takes another bite of meat, looking away.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
I hope none of you ever have to know.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN – LATER
Sybil cleans up the dishes from the table. Her MOTHER takes a dish from her.
MOTHER
I’ll do the rest. It is still your birthday.
Sybil doesn’t react.
MOTHER
Listen. Your father is just tired. He didn’t mean anything by it.
SYBIL
Mother, will he ever trust me again? It was an accident.
MOTHER
A costly accident. Just give him time, dear. Forgiveness sometimes takes time.
Sybil wipes a tear.
MOTHER
Here. You only turn sixteen once.
Her mother proudly holds out a small cloth-covered box.
SYBIL
Is it a knife?
Her mother’s eyes widen in shock.
MOTHER
No, of course not. Why would you say that?
Sybil opens it anyway. It’s a small silver necklace with a locket, in it a picture of her parents.
MOTHER
Here, I’ll put it on.
She fastens it around her daughter’s neck.
SYBIL
Thank you, mother.
MOTHER
You’re sixteen now. It’s time to grow up. No more of this play in the woods with your Native American friend.
Sybil dismisses her, heading to her bedroom.
Act 2: Addition to Midpoint
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. LUDINGTON FARM – DAY
Doctor Freeman works over Henry’s bleeding leg. All of Sybil’s siblings have gathered around him while his mother holds him. He SOBS in pain.
HENRY
Mommy!
Sybil stands awkwardly at the door.
EMILY
Please tell me you save the leg, Doctor. Please.
He uses a tourniquet on the leg to stop the bleeding. He draws it tighter.
SCREAM. Henry is covered in blood. As is Sybil.
EMILY
You’ll be okay, my sweet boy. It will be over soon.
She kisses his sweaty forehead.
The Doctor looks up, his hands shaking.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
It’s not good.
EMILY
Please.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
He’ll die if we don’t take it, I’m afraid.
Henry’s SCREAM is heart-wrenching. Margaret, Sybil’s sister, GASPS. Sybil sinks to the floor in tears.
The Doctor turns to Emily.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
Yarrow. I need yarrow.
EMILY
Children. Quickly! Help the doctor.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
It’s a small white flower. It takes away the pain on animals. I don’t know, it’s worth a try. Hurry!
The children run out of the house in search of the flower.
The old man hands Emily a stick.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
For the pain. This will hurt.
Sybil’s eyes go wide and we hear another SCREAM…
CUT TO:
Act 3: Turning point scene addition
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. LUDINGTON FARMHOUSE, BEDROOM – NIGHT
The darkened hallway hugs Sybil who leans against it listening to voices in the bedroom.
EMILY
(VO)
He will get over this. He’s a strong child.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
(VO)
He is ruined.
EMILY
(VO)
It was an accident.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
(VO)
We left her in charge.
EMILY
(VO)
Accidents happen.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
(VO)
She has disappointed me, Emily. She is not to leave the house. Ever.
Sybil stifles her tears in her apron.
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Melanie’s Solved Structural Problems
What I learned: Among other things my climax needed to be expanded – needed to become the ultimate conflict for the protagonist! This scene exacerbates her wound of not being good enough/not having what it takes. I added more “bad guys” and had an ally turn on her.
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
The dawn threatens over the horizon. Hugging one arm to her chest, she manages to stay upright in the saddle as they proceed towards the last and final town of Stormville. Her tangled hair flies around her as she rides. Her lips are parched, her face muddied, and her petticoat torn. But she is steadfast and so is Star.
They ride, now one with each other. Both on the same mission.
A sign for Stormville scrawled on a wood leans on its post as they whiz by. The dust swirling in the air behind them.
As they get closer to town, the farmsteads slowly coming into view, Sybil strains to see something ahead of them. The gallop closer, a dark figure stands in the middle of the road on top of a horse.
Star seems to recognize him first and she speeds towards him. But he holds a musket, aiming at them. They are in his sights and he is not moving.
CATACLOP CATACLOP CATACLOP!
Star is not slowing down. Samuel’s horse winces, seeing the oncoming fury.
SAMUEL
You are wild. That I’ll give you.
SYBIL
Ya, Star! Ya!
She spurs her on.
Samuel’s eyes widen. HOUYHNHNM! His horse whinnies, uncomfortable, and the whites of his eyes show.
Samuel’s horse REARS backwards in fear as Star is finally upon them and he throws Samuel to the ground.
Sybil stops Star, looking down on the British soldier. She slides down off her back and stands in front of him.
Quickly he grabs his musket.
SAMUEL
You! You are the source of all my worry? You are just a…
SYBIL
Girl. Yes. I know.
He stands up, shaking off the dirt. The others group around him. It’s Sybil against five soldiers.
SAMUEL
I’ve been sent to kill you.
SYBIL
You haven’t been able to yet.
Anger flashes over his face as he brandishes his musket, readying to fire.
SAMUEL
Leave now. This is your last chance to get out of here alive. We don’t want to kill a girl but we will if you don’t turn away now.
She steps towards him.
SAMUEL
You don’t believe I won’t?
SYBIL
The more men have to lose, the less willing are they to venture. I have nothing to lose.
SAMUEL
What are you saying?
SYBIL
Thomas Payne. Common Sense. You should read it. I, myself, have nothing to lose. But you, on the other hand, servant to the Crown have quite a lot.
SAMUEL
I don’t understand.
SYBIL
America is but an infant – we don’t know what it’s like to have fortunes and estates like you do. But we’ll fight like the dickens to keep what little we have. I don’t see your King beside you waging war, soldier. You are all alone fighting for a country oceans away.
SAMUEL
I’m not alone.
But out of the surrounding trees, the British soldiers from the campfire step forward. Their toothless smirks and the stand with loaded guns. Beside them is the Boy she saved from the British encampment. Sybil gawks. He hides his eyes.
SYBIL
I see that.
RED COAT 1
Let’s be done with this. I’d rather be boozing it up.
Samuel steps back.
SAMUEL
Be my guest.
He steps up but not before Sybil knees him where it hurts.
RED COAT 1
OW!
He winces, doubling over.
Next up is Red Coat 2, cocking his gun at her face.
RED COAT 2
Good bye, pretty.
Like lightning, Sybil cartwheels towards him, kicking the gun out of his hands. She lands a punch into his gut and before he can react, she slips between his legs, hitting the back of his neck. He collapses.
Next up is the Boy, holding a gun.
SYBIL
Why? You saved me.
BOY
They did actually. They wanted to spring you from prison so they could put you away.
SYBIL
And you are with them now?
BOY
They pay well.
SYBIL
Money is not everything.
BOY
It is when you have nothing.
He is suddenly kicked in the ribs by Samuel. He falls onto the ground.
SAMUEL
Useless, worm.
Samuel puts her in a headlock. She squirms under his arm.
SAMUEL
This is your final warning. Turn around, go back home to your farm. And I won’t kill you.
Sybil listens to him, the words soaking in.
SYBIL
I can’t do that.
SAMUEL
My orders were to stop you.
SYBIL
So stop me.
He tightens his headlock but she bites his arm.
SAMUEL
Ow!
He lets go in pain, grabs his musket.
But before he can fire, she attacks again – grabs his rifle with one hand, pushing it aside and grabbing the top of the rifle with her other hand. She disarms him in half a beat. And throws his musket towards Star.
He grabs her waist, throwing her to the ground. His muscular physique ominous compared to her small countenance. She gets up, ready to fight again.
He punches her in the gut and she doubles back.
He fires another fist into her cheek and she reels back.
Star stamps her feet as if to cheer her on her owner.
Sybil, holds her cheek, now bruised and bleeding. She stands before him again. He smirks, knowing only one more good punch and she’ll be done.
He winds back, ready to knock her out. But we see one of her hands fingers a knife – the one her Iroquois friend had given her.
She stands, balancing her weight between the two feet, and slowly brings the knife out. It glints in the morning’s first rays of sunlight.
Samuel watches her closely.
With one arm up she twirls towards him, as if doing a cartwheel in the air and adeptly flourishes the knife, slicing his pants leg.
He steps back, trying to stop her arm. But she is one with her knife dance. And again attacks, a beautiful, jump in the air and slices his arm this time.
He, again, steps back. In a whirling move around him, she trips him backwards and….
SAMUEL
UMMPH!
He lands on his back with Sybil pinning him down to the ground. The cold metal of the knife at his throat.
SAMUEL
Go ahead.
Sybil relishes the moment, but knows her mission still waits.
SAMUEL
Do it.
SYBIL
I won’t give you that satisfaction. It’s not an honor to die on the battlefield.
A beat passes as she gathers herself.
SYBIL
You take this message to your General Tryon. Tell him America is coming for him and all of his spineless soldiers. And we will take back what is rightly ours.
She stands up, grabbing his musket, pointing it at his head.
He slowly gets up, jumps on his horse. And he rides like Hell down the road, away from her.
She sighs, a gleam in her eye of something she’s never felt before. Confidence.
She swings into her saddle. The wounded Boy is still on the ground. She offers a hand and he takes it, hopping behind her on the horse.
She spurs Star into the city.
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MElanie’s Filled in Missing Scenes
What I learned: there are more scenes I will need to add than what I have done so far but I was surprised at how the story held together when I reread it. Lots of work to go, though!
ASSIGNMENT #24 – Missing Scenes
Act 1 Scene:
BEGINNING: Housekeeper hears cries of “Fire,” she races throughout the house.
MIDDLE: Everyone rushes out of the mansion. Governor Tryon and his wife make it outside.
END: Realization that their child is still in the house.
Act 1 Scene:
BEGINNING: Sybil’s mother is quilting with other mother’s in the house. As they talk ,she is trying to match make Sybil to one of the boys in town. She builds her up.
MIDDLE: Sybil rushes through the door, a mess, to announce her father’s arrival. She wears trousers and is filthy.
END: Her mother scolds her, sending her off to get cleaned up and put a dress on.
Act 2 Scene:
BEGINNING: Flashback to Sybil witnessing a Medicine Man healing Iroquois teen with a wounded arm.
MIDDLE: He crushes a flower and applies it to the wound.
END: It works! Back to the shed – she can use this for her horse.
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INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
A boy SERVANT runs down the hallway screaming at the top of his lungs…
SERVANT
FIRE!! RUN!!
Patty swings open her door. There is a FLURRY of SERVANTS and MAIDS now running through the hallway.
PATTY HATCH
Oh dear Lord.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRYON MANSION, NEW YORK, NY – LATER
A fire rages throughout Governor Tryon’s mansion. A scramble out the front door as servants, maids and GOVERNOR TYRON and his wife, MARGARET TRYON, make their way out to the front lawn. FLAMES leap from the top of the mansion.
Governor Tryon, has managed to throw his red coat on over his night shirt, his face red with shock. His wife grabs him in tears.
MARGARET TRYON
William…Margaret?
Her eyes well with tears and she races to the burning palace.
TRYON
No!
BUT HIS LEG GIVES, AND HE CAN’T CATCH HER.
She’s to the door in a second, only to run into Patty who is running out.
MARGARET TRYON
Patty. Have you seen Margaret?
Patty goes white.
PATTY HATCH
Oh heavens, I thought she was with you.
They watch in horror as their home is destroyed before them.
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INT. LUDINGTON ESTATE – DAY
EMILY, Sybil’s mother, sits at a large table quilting with her friends, AGNES (a plain, middle-aged woman) and PRUDENCE (blonde, and the most prim and proper of the three). Spread out in front of them is a large quilt they are sewing together by hand.
AGNES
Any suiters yet for Sybil?
EMILY
I’m sure she’d love to go to town with Joseph, if that’s what you’re asking. She is of age now, you know.
Agnes smiles, considering.
PRUDENCE
She’s more of a…nature girl, isn’t she. Not like my own, you know. They are quite ready to get married. They know the Bible, cook most of our dinners now and can sew.
EMILY
Sybil too would make an excellent wife. She is ready to start her own family.
THUD! The front door swings open and Sybil clamors in. The women look at her in horror – her hair is a bird’s nest, her pants and shirt dirty. She like looks anything but a girl.
Emily fills the awkward silence.
EMILY
Sybil? What is it? What happened to you?!
The ladies snicker.
PRUDENCE
She’s becoming mother nature.
SYBIL
Father’s back!
Emily stands up, dropping her needles.
EMILY
Go get washed up. Hurry! You look a sight! Ladies, we’ll have to cut this short.
Emily starts to clean the table, putting away the material quickly.
___________
INT. TENT – DAY
A MEDICINE MAN works over a bleeding wound on her Iroquois friend, she holds her mouth trying not to be sick. Her friend grimaces in pain. The old man works on the ground, he grinds up small white flowers while chanting.
The old man hands the teen a stick.
MEDICINE MAN
For the pain. This will hurt.
The wound is deep and the teen bites on a stick, sweat dripping on the ground. By the light of the fire, the old man applies it to the wound.
SCREAM…
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Melanie’s Act 4 Resolution
What I learned: what my character has become and that I really need to work on how she started off!
Key Scene 4a:
BEGINNING: Sybil makes it to the center of Stormville’s town. This time she has a different plan. In the middle of the square is a large metal bell. She stands next to it, grabs the rope and rings it. Slowly townspeople show up.
MIDDLE: A large crowd has now appeared. She now has to figure out how to convince them the British are on their way and rally them. She shows them the locket her parents gave her to validate that she is the daughter of Colonel Ludington. But it’s too tiny, they can’t make out the faces. She then holds up Samuel’s musket…it’s a Brown Bess, purely British. This sways some people. Finally, she has to sway them with a speech.
END: She breathes, starts off shaky at first but finishes strong – with words of motivation and inspiration. They are truly moved. Suddenly, Edmond, who we recognize as a soldier from the beginning in the field with her father, steps forward. And validates who she is. The crowd rallies.
Key Scene 4b:
BEGINNING: Day is breaking and over the hill, Henry has fallen asleep outside on the porch. He stirs, seeing something coming over the ridge down the road. He squints, but still isn’t able to see who it is. He runs into the house to fetch his parents.
MIDDLE: Colonel Ludington and his wife scramble to the porch with Henry, scared that it could be the British. But as they get closer, they don’t see any redcoats. Finally, they make out Sybil, on Star, leading hundreds of militia behind her.
END: She makes it to their house. Her father is speechless, his eyes moist. He comes to her, ready to help her down. But Edmond appears next to her, and offers her hand, which she takes. Her father apologizes, taking her into his arms.
Key Scene 4c:
BEGINNING: Sybil is at the Iroquois village. She has a number of books under her hand.
MIDDLE: She gives one to the Iroquois teen as a gift.
END: She tells him that becoming a powerful Chief is about having more knowledge.
Key Scene 4d:
BEGINNING: Sybil is walking back through the woods. She stops at the edge seeing a number of soldiers on horseback gathered in front of her home. She thinks her father has been hurt
MIDDLE: She tears through the field, up the porch and throws open the door.
END: Her mother greets her at the door and tells her someone is here to see her. Behind her a large statured man appears, he is General George Washington. She is speechless. He bows to her with respect and thanks her for her service.
____________________________
EXT. TOWN OF STORMVILLE – DAWN
Through the town, Sybil and Star ride. The small shops that line the street are still closed and quiet. In the middle of the town square is a small park, empty aside from a stray dog. Sybil spots what she’s after and they quickly head to the middle.
A large bronze bell is affixed to a structure smack in the center of the square. Sybil jumps off her horse, running to it. With all of her might, she jumps on the dangling rope beside it. It RINGS loudly, echoing throughout the streets.
Slowly one by one, townspeople arrive.
MAN
What is going on?
A crowd is gathering as Sybil continues to RING the large bell.
WOMAN
There’d better be a good reason for this…
Other GRUMBLES from the townspeople as they continue to gather.
Sybil RINGS the bell for a few minutes longer and before long just about all of the townspeople have gathered.
She stops and a silence falls over the town, waiting for her to speak. Sweat forms on her brow, and the spotlight is blinding.
MAN
Well, aren’t you going to say something?
Sybil blinks. Takes a deep breath, trying to navigate through her anxiety.
SYBIL
My name is Sybil Ludington. My father is Colonel Ludington that many of you have served. Last night a messenger arrived at our house with the message that I’ve come here to give.
MAN
Why didn’t he come himself?
SYBIL
He was shot, on death’s door, he couldn’t. So I came. I know I’m just a girl, 16, and you don’t know me. But I’ve ridden all night and risked my life to deliver this message to you. I’ve been hunted by their own scout who sought to kill both me and my horse.
MAN
How do we know?
SYBIL
Because this is his musket.
She holds the musket high over her head. There are murmurs in the crowd.
MAN
There’s no proof that.
SYBIL
My horse was shot – go see the bloody bandage yourself. And I’ve been wounded. And right now as we stand here talking, all of our lives are at risk. So you must listen.
GASP in the crowd, they are on pins and needles, waiting.
SYBIL
The British are here. They have invaded Danbury. They came by night, landing in Fairfield and attacked by the cover of night. And if we don’t rally, they will invade our towns next. So I ask all of you, the soldiers, the militia, anyone who loves their country to take up arms and follow me.
Their is silence in the crowd, as they are now fully engaged.
SYBIL
How many of you love your families?
Murmurs of “yes, of course.”
SYBIL
How many of you love your land?
Louder murmurs.
SYBIL
How many of you would rather be under British rule? Under the thumbs of aristocrats who have no idea what it’s like to till the soil, work hard to feed your children? Would you rather they continue to rule what you say?
CROWD
No
SYBIL
Tell you what you can do?
CROWD
No.
SYBIL
Lock you up in jail because they don’t like the color of your hair?
CROWD
NO!
Sybil has captured their attention and their spirits.
SYBIL
Then follow me and fight for what you own! Fight for what you deserve! Fight for your freedom!
CROWD
Yes!
SYBIL
This nation, our nation, may be new, it may be small, it may be but a child itself. But remember this, not for my sake, but for yours… this is our home and no one can rob us of that!
The crowd CHEERS. Sybil raises the musket in front of the townspeople.
SYBIL
The United States of America is only ours if we fight for it!
A VOICE from the crowd makes everyone turn around.
EDMOND
She’s telling the truth. She is the father of Colonel Ludington!
Sybil reacts, seeing the familiar face from the fields of her home.
SYBIL
You?
Edmond joins her in front of everyone.
EDMOND
We must fight!
Sybil smiles, jumping on her horse. Edmond stands next to her.
CROWD
Fight! Fight!
Sybil’s emotions are now tampered by her leadership, her bravery. She holds the musket above her.
SYBIL
Follow me!
CUT TO:
EXT. LUDINGTON FARMHOUSE – DAWN
The sun is lifting over the hills, the new day is here. Little Henry has fallen asleep on the front porch, waiting for his sister. But the light hits his face and he rouses.
He sees something coming over the ridge…on the road.
He tears inside…
HENRY
Mother! Father! Hurry!
He is joined by Colonel Ludington and Emily and they squint towards the figures moving closer.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Go in! Hide. It could be the British.
Emily grabs Henry and they head inside. But after a minute, Henry sneaks out and stands next to his father.
As the figures draw closer, we see someone on horseback and no redcoats.
HENRY
Father, who is it?
The figures grow closer, and they recognize the muddied, bloody face of Sybil, leading an army of men.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Sybil?
Her father races down the porch, towards the convoy until he reaches Sybil. She stops Star in front of him. He is overcome with emotion, but Sybil promptly salutes him.
SYBIL
Your army, father.
He reaches to help her down off the horse, but Edmond beats him to it.
Sybil takes Edmond’s hand and slides off the saddle. She gives Star a gentle pet on her neck.
SYBIL
She’s been wounded, but I think she’ll be okay.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
I didn’t know you could ride.
SYBIL
She’s the best horse anyone could have.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
How did you do this?
SYBIL
I had a good teacher.
CUT TO:
EXT. IROQUOIS VILLAGE – DAY
Sybil navigates her way through the village, finding the Iroquois father. She bows to him in honor.
SYBIL
Where is your son? I have something for him.
He leads her to a tent, and she enters.
CUT TO:
INT. TENT – CONTINUOUS
The Iroquois teen sits on the ground, widdling a piece of wood. He smiles, seeing her, and stands.
IROQUOIS
What are you doing here?
SYBIL
I brought you a gift.
From behind her back she presents him with a gift wrapped with a bow. He glows with excitement, ripping it open.
IROQUOIS
What’s this?
He holds the book up, it’s the first one he’s seen.
SYBIL
It’s a book. And I can teach you to read it, if you want. If you are going to be chief one day, knowledge will make you more powerful.
He smiles, and taps his chest.
IROQUOIS
Thank you.
SYBIL
No, thank you.
She nods, excusing herself.
CUT TO:
EXT. FOREST, NEAR LUDINGTON FARM – LATER
Cutting through the woods, Sybil moves agilely through the thicket. She’s a pro, now, and comes though the opening to the field behind her house unscathed.
AS she approaches the house, she sees horses and men in front of her house.
SYBIL
Father?
She picks up her pace, running across the field.
As she gets to the road, her worry takes over.
SYBIL
Everything alright? Is it father?
The men are stern, not answering her questions.
She clamors up the stairs.
SYBIL
Mother? Henry?
She enters house, the door slamming behind her.
CUT TO:
INT. LUDINGTON FARMHOUSE – CONTINUOUS
She enters quickly, running into her mother who stops her at the door.
EMILY
There’s someone here to see you.
Her mother’s eyes are wide, and bright.
A tall FIGURE stands behind her, coming into view. He holds a hat in his hands, his hair is white, and he wears a crisp Confederate uniform. His blue eyes sparkle through his serious expression.
EMILY
General Washington, this is my daughter, Sybil. Sybil?
Sybil’s mouth drops, her heart stopping momentarily and she catches her breath.
SYBIL
General Washington? I am honored to meet you.
She curtsies, red coloring her cheeks.
His face breaks with a smile and he slowly bows to her.
GENERAL WASHINGTON
The honor is mine, Sybil Ludington. You have served your country with selflessness and saved many lives. America thanks you.
He puts his hand on her shoulder for a long beat. And then strides to the front door. And leaves.
Sybil runs to the window and watches him leave. Her eyes glisten with tears.
-
Melanie’s Act 4 Climax
What I learned: there are four parts to the Climax and I’ll need to re-think how to address how the scene will test the Protagonist to the core.
Key Scene 3: Climax – The Ultimate Expression of the Conflict
BEGINNING: Sybil is weary, hurt and beat-up but she rides to the last and final town. The sun is about to rise. And before she gets to town, Samuel sits on his horse in front of it. In order to get to the town, she must get through him. She rides up to him, now confident and ready to face him.
MIDDLE: He lifts his gun to shoot her, but suddenly Star takes off towards them going faster than we’ve ever seen her. His horse rears, and Samuel fires into the sky as he falls out of the saddle and onto the ground. Sybil slides down and stands before him, ready to be the warrior she always wanted to be. Samuel holds up the gun, aiming at her face, knowing he will be done with her in a moment. Instead of running, she walks up to him until they are face to face. The gun is loaded, he puts his finger on the trigger. But she grabs the muzzle, pulls it to the left and with her right hand takes it out of his grip. She throws it to the ground. HE lunges at her and they wrestle to the ground, rolling. He is stronger than she is and we know he has the upper hand. He makes a few solid punches, knocking her for all she’s worth. But we see her finger the knife her Iroquois friend gave her at the beginning behind her back. Now, pulling from her Native American training, she becomes one with the knife and like the fight she had with her Iroquois friend in the beginning, she puts him to the test with an Apache knife dance. She is powerful, graceful, and in total control. Finally she grounds him with the knife to the throat.
END: We think she is going to end it here. But instead she gets up and tells him to take a message back to Lord Tryon from her. That the Confederates are coming for them. And that they will take back what is theirs.
_________________
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
The dawn threatens over the horizon. Hugging one arm to her chest, she manages to stay upright in the saddle as they proceed towards the last and final town of Stormville. Her lips are parched, her face muddied, and her dress torn. But she is steadfast, and so is Star.
They ride, now one with each other. Both on the same mission.
A sign for Stormville scrawled on a wood leans on its post as they whiz by. The dust swirling in the air behind them.
As they get closer to town, the farmsteads slowly coming into view, Sybil strains to see something ahead of them. The gallop closer, a dark figure stands in the middle of the road on top of a horse.
Star seems to recognize him first and she speeds towards him. But he holds a musket in one hand and aims with the other. They are in his sights and he is not moving.
CATACLOP CATACLOP CATACLOP!
Star is not slowing down. Samuel winces, seeing the oncoming fury.
SYBIL
Ya, Star! Ya!
She spurs her on.
Samuel’s eyes widen. HOUYHNHNM! His horse whinnies, uncomfortable, and the whites of his eyes show.
He REARS backwards in fear as Star is finally upon them and he throws Samuel to the ground.
Sybil stops Star, looking down on the British soldier. She slides down off her back and stands in front of him.
Quickly he grabs his musket.
SAMUEL
You! You are the source of all my worry? You are just a…
SYBIL
Girl. Yes. I know.
He stands up, shaking off the dirt.
SAMUEL
I’ve been sent to kill you.
SYBIL
So far you’ve not shed any light on why you haven’t been able to yet.
Anger flashes over his face as he brandishes his musket, readying to fire.
SAMUEL
I’m giving you a chance to leave. I don’t want to kill a girl but I will if I have to.
She steps towards him.
SAMUEL
You don’t believe I won’t?
SYBIL
The more men have to lose, the less willing are they to venture.
SAMUEL
What are you saying?
SYBIL
Thomas Payne. Common Sense. You should read it. I, myself, have nothing to lose. But you, on the other hand, servant to the Crown, have quite a lot.
SAMUEL
I don’t understand.
SYBIL
America is but an infant – we don’t know what it’s like to have fortunes and estates like you do. I don’t see your King beside you waging war, soldier. You are all alone fighting for a country oceans away.
SAMUEL
I’m not alone.
SYBIL
Right now you are.
Samuel steps back.
SAMUEL
This is your final warning. Turn around, go back home to your farm. And I won’t pull the trigger.
Sybil listens to him, the words soaking in.
SYBIL
I can’t do that.
SAMUEL
My orders were to stop you.
SYBIL
So stop me.
But before he can fire, she grabs the rifle with one hand, pushing it aside and grabbing the top of the rifle with her other hand. She disarms him in a half beat. And throws his musket towards Star.
He grabs her, throwing her to the ground. His muscular physique ominous compared to her small countenance. She gets up, ready to fight again. He punches her in the gut and she doubles back.
He fires another fist into her cheek and she reels back.
Star stamps her feet as if to cheer her friend on.
Sybil, holds her cheek, now bruised and bleeding. She stands before him again. He smirks, knowing only one more good punch and she’ll be done.
He winds back, ready to knock her out. But we see one of her hands fingers a knife – the one her Iroquois friend had given her.
She stands, balancing her weight between the two feet, and slowly brings the knife out. It glints in the oncoming daylight.
Samuel watches her closely.
With one arm up she twirls towards him, as if doing a cartwheel in the air and adeptly flourishes the knife, slicing his pants leg.
He steps back, trying to stop her arm. But she is one with her knife dance. And again attacks, a beautiful, jump in the air and slices his arm this time.
He, again, steps back. In a whirling move around him, she trips him backwards and….
SAMUEL
UMMPH!
He lands on his back with Sybil pinning him down to the ground. The cold metal of the knife at his throat.
SAMUEL
Go ahead.
Sybil relishes the moment, but knows her mission still waits.
SAMUEL
Do it.
SYBIL
I won’t give you that satisfaction. It’s not an honor to die on the battlefield.
A beat passes as she gathers herself.
SYBIL
You take this message to your General Tryon. Tell him America is coming for him and all of his spineless soldiers. And we will take back what is rightly ours.
She stands up, grabbing his musket, pointing it at his head.
He quickly jumps on his horse. And he rides like Hell down the road, away from her.
She sighs, a gleam in her eye of something she’s never felt before. Confidence.
She swings into her saddle and spurs Star into the city.
-
Melanie’s Act 4 First Scenes
What I learned: the story is constantly morphing and as I go along I have more ideas on how to change the beginning. Looking forward to rewriting Act 1 and 2!
Key Scenes 1 & 2 (both the Reaction and Dilemma are in the same scene)
BEGINNING: Sybil is on the side of road – hurt, tired and defeated. She’s ready to give up.
MIDDLE: A Little Girl runs up to her in admiration, offering water to her horse and saluting her as the leader of the army. She is called back home by her father but before leaving, she turns and says she wants to be like her when she grows up.
END: Sybil brushes herself out, pushes through the pain, and gets up on her horse. She will continue!
EXT. HOUSE – LATER
Suddenly the Little Girl from the farmhouse runs up to her. She carries with her a jug of water.
LITTLE GIRL
Here. This is for your horse.
Sybil smiles through her pain. The little girl offers it to Star, pouring water into her hand.
SYBIL
Thank you.
Star tries to drink some, but the water slips out between her fingers. The Little Girl looks up at Sybil, with wide impressionable eyes.
LITTLE GIRL
What’s her name?
Sybil smiles through her tears.
SYBIL
Star. And I’m Sybil.
The Little Girl rubs her hands on her dress and raises her hand, palm forward.
SYBIL
What are you doing?
LITTLE GIRL
You’re the leader, aren’t you? The leader of the army? I’m saluting you. I saw my father do that before.
SYBIL
Oh, no. Not me. I’m not a leader.
LITTLE GIRL
Well, you seem like it.
Sybil is taken by her conviction.
SYBIL
It’s really late. You should go back home and get some sleep. I wouldn’t want something to happen to you.
LITTLE GIRL
But I want to fight with you.
SYBIL
In a few years, you’ll be old enough. Until then listen to your father and do what you’re told.
LITTLE GIRL
But he’s mean.
SYBIL
I know how you feel but he’s just trying to protect you.
LITTLE GIRL
So are you going to keep going?
Sybil’s eyes cloud with emotion.
SYBIL
I…
From the distance we hear the little girl’s father calling her name. She turns and starts to run back home. But stops suddenly.
LITTLE GIRL
I want to be like you when I grow up.
As she disappears down the road, Sybil gets up. Determined now more than ever, she manages to climb back into the saddle with her hurt arm.
CUT TO:
-
Melanie’s Completed Act 3
What I learned: I need to add a lot more scenes or extend them if this is going to be a feature-length script!
Key Scene:
BEGINNING: Sybil keeps strategizing. She pulls a rope across the road tying it to two trees in order to trip up Samuel.
MIDDLE: Samuel happens to see the rope in the moonlight.
END: Instead of foiling him, he concludes he’s going in the right direction and proceeds.
Key Scene:
BEGINNING: An Old Man finds Samuel in the shadows listening to everyone ridiculing Sybil. He laughs.
MIDDLE: The Old Man confronts him, seeing his red coat. He points his gun at him.
END: Samuel threatens him, and the Old Man lets him go.
Key Scene:
BEGINNING: Sybil pays off a boy to ride his horse in another direction. She gives her hat for to wear.
MIDDLE: The boy heads off and it works! Samuel rides after him, recognizing the hat.
END: Samuel catches up to the boy but the boy sells her out and tells him that she paid him off. Samuel turns back to town.
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
Sybil continues down the dirt road to the next town. She looks over her shoulder, sees nothing.
But she signals to Star to go to the side of the road. She slips off her back and takes the rope from the barn off of the saddle.
SYBIL
Just in case.
Finding a tree on one side of the road, she carefully ties it around and knots it. Then she quickly crosses the road to another tree, wrapping it around its truck as well and tying it off. Looking back, the rope is tight across the road.
Star stamps the ground, as if signaling to her rider that she hears something. Sybil hurries to hop back on and they gallop ahead to the next town.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROAD – LATER
Samuel and his horse are galloping at a fast speed down the dark road.
Angle on the rope waiting for them ahead.
But the closer they get, the wiser Samuel seems. He strains his eye catching something in the moonlight. He slows his horse down as they near.
SAMUEL
Ho!
And stops just in time, the horse rearing on his hind legs at the sudden command.
CUT TO:
EXT. TOWN OF MAHOPAC FALLS – NIGHT
At the edge of town, Samuel hides in the shadows. He listens to the townspeople respond to her. And laughs when he hears how they dismiss her.
CA-CLICK!
Samuel turns around to see the OLD MAN standing behind him, pointing the barrel of his gun at the his face.
OLD MAN
Get off your horse with your hands up, redcoat!
Samuel slides down, calmly.
SAMUEL
Old man. I mean you no harm.
OLD MAN
Then why are you here? We want no business with you.
SAMUEL
I merely stopped to rest. Get some water for my horse. I’ll be going shortly.
The Old Man tightens the grip on the gun’s handle.
OLD MAN
You need to keep moving, man. This town doesn’t take in foreigners.
From behind Samuel’s back we see a knife in the belt of his pants. One of his hands reaches for it slowly.
SAMUEL
I wouldn’t do that, old man. I’m half your age and can take you down in a few seconds. If you value your life, you’ll go back home and forget this ever happened.
The Old Man thinks about his options for a minute, then slowly lowers his gun.
OLD MAN
Your rest is over. Get out of here!
Samuel nods, and takes the reigns again. Heads off through the shadows. The Old Man watches him leave.
CUT TO:
-
Melanie’s Act 3 Key Middle Scenes
What I learned: Keep going!
Key Scene 2: Make a new plan
Beginning: Sybil plants torn clothes down a road leading away from her route
Middle: Samuel takes the bait
End: Sybil goes back to her route to try to wake the town of Carmel.
Key Scene 3: Things go well, until…
Beginning: Sybil makes it to the town of Carmel, managing to throw Samuel off her course.
Middle: She bangs on the doors of the townspeople – eager to spread the word and finally get to her mission.
End: They don’t believe her and they refuse to leave!
EXT. ROAD – CONTINUOUS
Sybil rides fast towards the next town…Carmel. On the outskirts, she slows looking for the road she had circled on the dirt floor.
At the fork in the road, she RIPS a piece of the trousers planting it in a tree. She rides a bit further, planting another torn piece of cloth in the bush.
They circle back, and hide at the fork.
Soon, they see Samuel coming. He finds the torn trousers and takes the bait. He speeds down the road. Sybil smiles, victorious.
SYBIL
It worked! He doesn’t know these roads like we do.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROAD – LATER
Samuel picks one of the last remnants of cloth stuck to a branch, and stops his horse. He continues a little bit further down the road, now much slower.
He stops his horse again. Examines the piece of cloth.
SAMUEL
Strange.
He listens in the distance but hears nothing.
SAMUEL
How could he get caught in so many trees?
Quickly, he turns his horse around, heading back the direction he came. Throws the evidence to the ground.
SAMUEL
We’ve been had.
He tears back down the road.
CUT TO:
EXT. TOWN OF CARMEL – LATER
Sybil gallops through the sleeping town. She stops at a house, gets off Star and runs to the front door.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
She thuds on the door. It opens slowly revealing a tall MAN with a gun.
MAN
What’s the meaning of this, child?
SYBIL
The British are coming!
MAN
What are you talking about?
A Woman joins him at the door, straight out of bed.
SYBIL
They are attacking Danbury! You must hurry!
They look behind her but see nothing.
WOMAN
Child, go home. IT’s late.
SYBIL
Please. You have to get up!
MAN
I don’t see anything. No go back to your home wherever that is.
They SLAM the door in her face.
She freezes for a second – not expecting this reaction.
She runs to the second house – BANG! BANG! This time no one opens the door.
SYBIL
The British! They’re here! Hurry!
MAN 2
Go away! It’s the middle of the night!
The third house is the same.
MAN 3
We’re trying to sleep!
Sybil is shocked and gets back on her horse. She spurs Star to go, shell-shocked and disappointed.
CUT TO:
-
Melanie’s Act 3 Reaction to Midpoint
What I learned: I need to be able to separate turning points from reactions. I tend to blend them into one scene.
Key Scene 1: Sybil strategizes the rest of her ride
Beginning: Draws a map of her route on the floor of the barn.
Middle: She decides to use deception in order to get rid of Samuel. She’ll leave parts of her clothes in trees to lead him down the wrong path.
End: She heads out with a plan.
INT. BARN – NIGHT
A stick draws into the dirt floor of the barn. Pulling back, the lines make a circuitous map of the road. It wraps around in an oval leading back to an “X” marked as “Home”. It’s a long road. Towns are marked by smaller squares on the road – “Carmel,” ‘Mahopac Falls,” “Mahopac Mines,” “Kent Cliffs,” “Farmers Mills,” and “Stormville.”
SYBIL
It’s about forty miles and we’ll never make it with him chasing us. What would father do?
An idea comes to her and she slowly she circles a road that leads off her path.
SYBIL
Here.
She takes off the boy’s hat that she’s been wearing. Her long hair falls at her shoulders. Then she takes off the trousers and shirt, her petticoats fall down.
SYBIL
These will come in handy.
She wraps her cape around her again, takes one more look at Star’s wound which has stabilized, is dressed and has stopped bleeding.
SYBIL
We do this together. Ready? We don’t have much time.
She throws open the barn door, and quietly gets into the saddle, making sure to avoid the bandage.
Star stamps on the map in the dirt on the way out but not all of it is erased.
They ride out again into the moonlit road, riding away from the barn and the farmhouse next door.
-
Melanie’s Act 2 TP-Midpoint
What I learned: to keep letting creativity guide the way through the rough draft.
Key Scene 4: Turning Point 2 – MIDPOINT
BEGINNING: Sybil wants to give up as she realizes she is the one who at fault for her injured horse.
MIDDLE: She decided to help her horse – bandages the wound.
END: She realizes that the fight ahead of her is not to be won alone. She needs help. And the fight is not about proving herself to her father – it’s about fighting for what’s right.
INT. BARN – CONTINUOUS
Sybil is crying on the floor next to her horse, but suddenly feels something nudge her. It’s Star and her nose is snuggling with her hair. Trying to eat it.
Sybil smiles, pulling her hair out of her mouth.
SYBIL
Stop it!
The horse nudges her nose up against her, seeming to understand. Sybil looks at the wound again, a flash of something new sparkles in her eye.
SYBIL
I need to bandage you up.
She rips part of her dress. She holds it to the horses wound, cleaning it. With a renewed sense of purpose, she quickly scours the barn for an herb and finds it. A plant with a little cluster of white flowers – Yarrow. She grinds it in her hands, placing it softly on the wound. Slowly and gently she wraps the bandage around the wound, managing to tie it snugly around her waist.
She strokes Star’s neck.
SYBIL
Okay, let’s get you home. You need to rest.
But Star stamps her foot and SNORTS. Sybil looks at her curiously.
SYBIL
C’mon it’s nonsense to continue. Besides he’ll find us any minute.
But Star stamps her foot again.
SYBIL
You know what I’m saying, don’t you.
SNORT.
SYBIL
You want to keep going? But you’re hurt.
Star noses her. Sybil wells up with tears, softly petting her head.
SYBIL
You’re the bravest girl I know. You’re right, if we give up, they win. We’ll do this together.
Their eyes meet in agreement.
CUT TO:
-
Melanie’s Act 2 Middle Scenes
What I learned: it’s important to find a routine to write everyday! I’m still working on it…
Key Scene 2: Protagonist takes on a plan and executes it
EXT. Road – Night
BEGINNING: Sybil decides to go looking for her horse in the forest. She is now drenched in the downpour. She comes across a field of dead bodies of soldiers, strewn across the field. Among them is a boy who is collecting valuables. She protests, yelling at the boy but suddenly a man with a green jacket appears. She tells the boy to hide behind one of the bodies. She does the same.
MIDDLE: The man grabs the boy, scoops him up and takes him off. The boy looks in Sybil’s direction but she doesn’t see her.
END: Sybil glances at him as he screams. She hangs onto the tree, scared. But keeps on.
Key Scene 3: Not only does the plan fail, but…
EXT. BRITISH ENCAMPMENT – NIGHT
BEGINNING: Sybil is drenched, cold and tired when she finally sees a campfire in the distance. The rain is starting to let up. She makes her way towards it and sees her horse tied up. She inches towards Star who makes a noise seeing her.
MIDDLE: Sybil remains hidden approaching past a tent. British soldiers talk over a campfire. She sees Samuel who talks about what a coward she is, running away in the night. And that they have nothing to worry about.
END: Sybil frees her horse, hops on her but Samuel sees this and starts after them again firing at them and wounding her horse.
Scenes:
EXT. FOREST – LATER
Sybil makes her way through the dark forest trying to track her horse. The rain finds its way down through the branches. She weaves in and out, her dress getting torn. She doesn’t see any hoof prints in the leaves.
Frustrated, she leans against a towering pine tree. She presses on.
In the clearing ahead of her, though, she spots something move. She ventures closer and under the moonlight she makes out a figure. She gets closer and sees that it’s a BOY, maybe 15, a welcome relief to being alone.
SYBIL
Hello?
She suddenly trips over something on the ground. And GASPS. It’s a dead soldier, his eyes wide open, blood sullying his uniform. She jumps back into another body.
The field is covered in dead soldiers. Some wear red coats, others wear confederate uniforms. The boy quickly goes from body to body.
SYBIL
Excuse me.
HE stops, looking up.
SYBIL
Have you seen a horse come through here?
BOY
No and you should go home.
SYBIL
What are you doing?
BOY
Mind your own business.
A glint of something silvery catches her eye as he shoves it into his pocket.
SYBIL
Are you taking their things?
BOY
If you haven’t noticed, they’re dead. They won’t be using these anymore.
SYBIL
But that’s stealing. That’s a sin.
BOY
So be it. There are worse things in life.
There’s a rustle in the bushes. The boy’s face goes whiter than it already is.
BOY
Hide!
He drops next to one of the soldiers pretending to be dead. Sybil looks at the edge of the opening, seeing a tall figure. She drops to the ground, tucking her dress lower.
The figure approaches, as he gets closer she can see he is wearing a green coat. He’s tall, burly, with a full beard, carrying a bayonet affixed to a rifle. He strides over to examine what he saw from a distance and nudges at the boy. The boy tries not to move but as soon as the man nudges him harder, he bolts.
The man catches him in the arm, putting the bayonet under his chin.
MAN
Move on muscle boy and you’ll lose your head.
The boy freezes, caught. Casts a glance over to Sybil who has crawled behind a dead soldier. The man follows his glance.
MAN
What’re you looking at?
BOY
Just another dead person. Who should find his way home.
MAN
You talking about a ghost?
BOY
Nothin’.
The man reaches into the boy’s pockets, finding the pocket watch and other trinkets.
MAN
Caught myself a thief, have I? It’s easier stealin’ from you. You did all the work for me.
He puts all the finds into his pocket.
MAN
C’mon now, off with you!
He leads him off the field. Sybil watches, finally breathing. And rolls the dead man off her, wiping off the dirt.
CUT TO:
EXT. FOREST – LATER
Sybil makes her way through the forest. It’s wet, damp and she stops to pull her skirt from another bush. When she realizes the branch has a clean break.
FLASHBACK TO:
EXT. FOREST, NEAR LUDINGTON FARM – DAY
It’s a warm summer day. Her friend, the Iroquois teen, brandishes a knife as they circle each other before a fight. He suddenly shushes her, hearing something run through the forest. He waves her to follow him and she does.
The sunlight drips through the leaves in the forest, spreading shadows everywhere. The birds stop chirping as they pass by silently.
The Iroquois waves her closer, shows her a branch with a clean break at about the level of her shoulder.
IROQUOIS
Horse.
He lifts the branch and up ahead through the trees he points to a horse tied to a tree. She smiles at him, intrigued.
CUT TO:
EXT. FOREST – CONTINUOUS
Sybil looks at the branch closer.
SYBIL
Horse.
With a renewed since of confidence and by the light of the moon, she starts to make her way tree by tree, finding a trail of broken branches.
She picks up the pace, excited by her discovery.
She finally comes to the edge of the woods, seeing a clearing up ahead. And smoke from a fire spiraling up to the sky.
Peering into the distance she is able to make-out a campsite. With tents, a fire surrounded by red coats and several horses tied up next to them. One of them is Star.
CUT TO:
EXT. CAMPSITE – LATER
Three SOLDIERS sit next to a fire, talking and roasting some sort of dinner. Samuel leans back, his tawny physique apparent even at night.
RED COAT 1
What did you say brought you into the forest, again, soldier?
SAMUEL
A girl.
RED COAT 1
A girl?
RED COAT 2
Well, that’s a first.
SAMUEL
Not like that. She’s a colonist. She was running from me…
RED COAT 2
Not sure I’d boast that, boy.
SAMUEL
She was trying to get a message to the militia that we’re here.
RED COAT 1
A girl? Now that’s a good one.
Sybil listens angrily from the back of a tent. She makes eye contact with Star, who seems to actually want to see her. Sybil motions for her to stay quiet as she quietly approaches her.
SAMUEL
I got her horse.
RED COAT 1
Well, that’s one way of puttin’ it.
Laughter.
SAMUEL
She probably went home by now. Women. Don’t have any courage, you know.
Sybil has now made it to the row of horses, sneaking in between them and siding up to Star. Star NEIGHS and SNORTS, as if welcoming her.
The group of soldiers look over at the horses, but Sybil stays still, hiding behind them. They go back to drinking.
Sybil pets Star’s head gently.
SYBIL
Shush. We have to be quiet.
Slowly, she checks the saddle to make sure it’s ready. She unties Star from the tree and backs her slowly away.
As soon as she is away from the other horses, she climbs into the saddle and they take off.
One soldier hears them and peers over.
RED COAT 1
How many horses did you have?
SAMUEL
Two. Why?
RED COAT 1
Looks like you only have one now.
Another soldier laughs. Samuel shoots up angrily, grabbing his musket.
SAMUEL
Blazes. That girl!
He runs to his horse and takes off after her.
They run in the darkness, through the forest. Sybil rides low and tucked next to Star who runs as fast as she can through the trees. But they know Samuel is following close behind.
BADATHUMP! BADATHUMP! BADATHUMP!
Sybil barely misses one branch, but others cut her arms and legs as they pass through. Star flies, ready to escape!
Samuel drives had behind them, and manages to load his musket. He stops for a brief second and FIRES…
Sybil feels the force of the bullet come at them but checks herself and she seems to have missed it. A barn next to an old farmhouse in the distance becomes her sole focus. She pushes Star harder who seems to see the barn as well. They sweep into the old seemingly empty wooden structure, and take refuge behind one of the stalls.
Star breathes hard, Sybil slides off clutching her neck. They wait.
Out the door they see Samuel come out of the forest, towards the farm house. He loops around once and then they lose sight of him.
Sybil takes a moment to regroup patting Sybil’s nose.
SYBIL
Star, you saved us! Thank you.
Something red catches her eye and she stops. There’s blood on her hand.
SYBIL
Oh no…
She checks herself again finding all is intact, no blood on her. Slowly she looks at Star who looks back. In the moonlight coming through the shafts, she finds the wound…on Star’s side. Sybil GASPS, the world starts to spin.
SYBIL
No, no, not you!
The gash bleeds. Sybil tears up.
SYBIL
This can’t be happening.
She collapses in tears, hugging her horse.
SYBIL
It’s my fault, girl. I did this. This is all because of me.
She holds her head close, petting her, weeping.
SYBIL
I never should have asked this of you. You didn’t want to even go in the beginning. How will you ever forgive me?
CUT TO:
-
Melanie’s Act 2 Reaction to TP1
What I learned: I had never really thought about what her reaction would be to the first turning point – and that I missed this on my beat sheet.
EXT. ROAD – LATER
Sybil rides her horse hard, as fast as she can. She looks over her shoulder and doesn’t see him coming. But that doesn’t stop her from riding as fast as she can.
Star obliges, but her ears are pinned tight to her head. She is not happy.
Lightning lights suddenly lights up the sky, she pets her neck…
SYBIL
It’s okay, Star. We have to keep going.
Another streak of lightning. And Star stops dead in her tracks. Sybil holds on, trying to not fall out of the saddle. Star’s ears search for answers, searching for where the storm is.
Another streak and just as soon as the lightning disappears a deep ominous rumble shakes the countryside.
Star rears back, in protest, in fear. He hooves clawing the air. Sybil flies off backwards, landing hard onto the dirt road.
She lays there for a second, trying to catch her breath. And looks at Star.
ANOTHER RUMBLE. Star bucks again and flees fast into the dark woods.
Sybil clutches her side and sits up.
SYBIL
Star! Star! Come back!
Before she can stand up, though, there’s another RUMBLE coming closer to her. Sybil’s eyes widen, knowing the source. She scrambles off the road to a nearby bush, hiding as best as she can.
Just as she has crawled into the thicket, a horse screeches to a stop. She catches her breath, seeing the bright red jacket though the branches.
Samuel and his horse are right in front of her. Looking. He gets off his horse to investigate. Now standing right next to her hiding place – she could almost touch his leg. Sybil holds her breath. Waiting.
Finally, he sees Star’s hoof prints and he jumps up onto the horse again, heading into the forest.
She breathes, and gets up out of her hiding place. She looks into the forest, helpless. The road before her is long. She tears up, looking back to the forest.
SYBIL
I’ll never make it if I walk.
The heavens open up covering her in a downpour.
CUT TO:ded to add this scene to my beat sheet!
-
Melanie’s Finished Act One
What I learned: It’s important to create the skeleton of the story first then add to it later. Kind of like sculpting – you need the wire frame first so you understand the essence of what you are creating.
EXT. FOREST, NEAR LUDINGTON FARM – DAY
SYBIL, a girl with long unruly braids, hides quietly in thick brush in the forest. Shadows play out in front of her and she holds her breath…waiting. Her face is marked with war paint. Her grip tightens on a stick she embraces.
A squirrel scrambles up a tree. A bird lights on a tree. A silence fills the forest as she looks through the branches.
She GASPS as the thicket is suddenly pulled away by a handsome Iroquois boy with angry eyes, sunlight pouring in.
THRASH! He slashes at her with a knife and she leaps out SCREAMING.
SYBIL
Stop it!
She barely escapes, thundering towards her chestnut mare twenty paces away. She reaches her, foot in the stirrups when the horse takes off without her. Sybil falls on the ground. The boy is nearly on her when THWFT! She flies upwards, her foot wrapped in a rope, until she is hanging upside down in the tree. He smiles proudly.
IROQUOIS BOY
I win. You lose. Again.
She fumes.
SYBIL
Get me down! And you didn’t win – you just got lucky.
He laughs as she tries to keep her skirt from falling down.
SHWACK! The rope is cut and she hits the ground hard. An older Iroquois man, the boy’s dad, towers above her. On the ground, now covered in leaves, Sybil looks up to the tall Native American and offers a small smile.
SYBIL
Thank you, sir.
The older man is about to leave when he turns.
IROQUOIS MAN
You want to fight?
SYBIL
Yes, more than anything.
IROQUOIS MAN
Why?
SYBIL
Our country is at war. It’s my duty to stop the enemy.
His wise eyes smile at her.
IROQUOIS MAN
The warrior is not someone who fights to take another life. A warrior sacrifices himself for the good of others. Are you ready for that?
He grabs his son’s arm and they leave her. The teen turns to her, before going and gives her his knife. She takes it, stowing it in a pocket on her dress.
CUT TO:
EXT. GENERAL TRYON’S MANSION – NIGHT
A fire rages through the mansion. GENERAL TRYON and his WIFE fly out the front door into the cold wintry night, along with SERVANTS. They watch in horror as their home is destroyed before them.
SAMUEL, a twenty-year old assistant, buttons his wool coat as he comes running from the barracks on the other side of the property. He reaches Tron’s side.
SAMUEL
What happened, sir? Can I do anything?
GENERAL TRYON
I don’t know.
His wife suddenly screams.
WIFE
Madelyn! Oh my God! Where’s Madelyn?
General Tryon turns to Samuel, his face a shade of white.
GENERAL TRYON
Our daughter! Find her!
Samuel nods, slowly wandering towards the inferno. He stops at the front door seeing the stairs consumed in angry red flames. He turns to a HOUSEKEEPER who is next to him and makes a split decision.
SAMUEL
You. The General wants you to find his daughter. She’s inside!
A flash of fear washes over the woman’s face but she grabs her skirt, dashes inside and up the stairs.
Within seconds, the housekeeper appears at the child’s bedroom window, the CHILD in her arms. The walls burn down around her and she coughs opening the window. The wife SCREAMS as the woman suddenly throws the child out of the window towards a snow bank.
Silence as everyone watches the child land in the snow. Both the General and his wife rush to the child, who starts to cry.
Samuel looks up at the window once more – the housekeeper is lost in the flames. He gathers himself, striding over to the General.
GENERAL TRYON
I sent you in to save my child.
SAMUEL
Sir, the housekeeper was already going in.
The wife is consumed with tears, holding the child. Tryon looks up at Samuel.
General Tryon looks back at his burning home.
GENERAL TRYON
Whoever did this will burn.
CUT TO:
EXT. LUDINGTON HOME – DAY
A sweeping long shot of the Ludington estate – beautiful rolling hills as the crocuses are beginning to bloom, horses graze in the grass. Spring is here – a new beginning for the sleeping plants and possibly America.
We land on a Gristmill that steadily churns, monotonously grinding the grain into flour.
BDDUMP! BDDUMP! BDDUMP!
CLOSE ON horses hooves galloping across the field. We pull back to see Sybil riding the chestnut horse towards the mill. Although now covered in dirt and grass stains, her expression shows her steely resolve. The Horse SNORTS angrily as she tries to steer him towards the barn. The animal has no intent of going near back. She tries again but the horse retorts, its front feet fly into the air as it reels backwards.
She wipes the hair out of her eyes and looks up at the creature, unwavering and slips onto the ground.
SYBIL
I don’t understand you.
She grabs the lead, putting her hand on it’s nose. A moment to catch her breath.
SYBIL
Come on, now. Let’s get you back.
She leads the horse back to the stables towards a GROUP of men assembled in the field. Her father, COLONEL HENRY LUDINGTON, stands in the front speaking to his troop of MILITIA MEN. Their faces are sullen, uniforms ripped and bloodied from battle. Some are missing limbs, most have bandages. She ties Star next to another horse and sneaks closer to the regiment.
COL LUDINGTON
Spring is here, men, and I know your fields need tending. I’ll send word when we are to fight again. Fare thee well.
He waves them off, and the men start to disperse. A SOLDIER, tall with a long woolly beard and large gash on his cheek, grabs his horse, finding Sybil behind it.
She jumps, staring at the end of a musket now inches away from her face.
SYBIL
Sorry, sir.
SOLDIER
Don’t scare a soldier, girl.
His gaze is cold and deadly. She steps backwards, bumping into her father.
SYBIL
Father!
Sybil embraces her father, who gives her a quick squeeze. The Soldier lowers his weapon.
COL LUDINGTON
Sybil! Child, don’t be willful now! Where’s your mother?
She runs towards the small house across the fields calling for her mother. Her long braids dancing on her shoulders.
SYBIL
Mother! Father’s home!
Her mother, EMILY, steps onto the porch and then runs to her husband.
CUT TO:
EXT. PORT – NIGHT
A man with a large chin watches as a large ship docks at the sleepy shores of Westport, Connecticut. He is Major General William Tryon. We notice a slight limp as he makes his way to the men arriving on the beach – all 1500 of them.
Down the galley arrives Captain Henry Duncan, weary and glad to be on dry land.
TRYON
Captain Duncan.
The captain takes his hat off, wipes his brow.
CAPTAIN DUNCAN
Major. Glad to be dockside. ‘M gutfoundered and need to sluice me gob.
TRYON
Quit y’er yowling. There’s aplenty taverns in town to get brandy-faced. These my troops or clods?
The Captain straightens up.
CAPTAIN DUNCAN
Aye, sir. Y’er caterpillars, ‘course.
The Captain nods as Soldiers clamber off the ship in disarray.
TRYON
Clean up yourselves. We’ll be leaving at six o’clock sharp.
There’s a grumble amidst the soldiers disembarking but most fall in line.
Ships at port continue unloading the 1500 British troops. The sea of redcoats paints the American shore.
From the tree line near the shore, an American MESSENGER watches with a spyglass. He leans against a tree seeing the invading troops to catch his breath. He takes a deep breath and starts to make his way back to his horse. CRACK! He steps on a something.
General Tryon seems to hear it, or see something, as he looks to the tree line. He turns to Samuel who is next to him – his loyal assistant.
TRYON
Boy?
SAMUEL
It’s Samuel, sir.
TRYON
Make sure that we haven’t been seen.
Samuel nods.
SAMUEL
Yes, sir.
TRYON
And take a horse. And don’t disappoint me like you did during the fire.
Samuel reacts – connecting with Tryon’s gaze. He nods and grabs a gelding from an Officer next to them. Musket in hand, he saddles up and heads off towards the woods.
CUT TO:
INT. LUDINGTON FARMHOUSE – NIGHT
Sybil’s large family – her mother, father and eleven siblings sit around the farmhouse table. Sybil helps the youngest child, Henry, cutting the meat in his stew.
The boys – JACOB, HENRY, GEORGE, WILLIAM – all eat quietly until Jacob can no longer take the silence.
JACOB
Did you kill anyone, father?
George’s eyes light up while Mary, her sister, grimaces. Snickers from the others.
MARY
Jacob!
Sybil listens, intently. Her father’s jowl tightens, looking at each of his children in earnest.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
War is serious, boys. (Pause) Hundred of men lost their lives fighting for our country.
JACOB
Yes, father. But did you kill anyone?
Silence at the table.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Jacob, in war you do what you need to do to stay alive.
SYBIL
What is war like, father?
He takes her innocence in, her naivete. He takes another bite of meat, looking away.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
I hope none of you ever have to know.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN – LATER
Sybil cleans up the dishes from the table, munching on a ginger cookie. Her MOTHER takes a dish from her.
MOTHER
I’ll do the rest, dear. It is still your birthday.
Sybil offers a small smile.
MOTHER
Oh, and here, you only turn sixteen once.
Her mother proudly holds out a small cloth-covered box.
SYBIL
Is it a knife?
Her mother’s eyes widen in shock.
MOTHER
No, of course not. Why would you say that?
Sybil opens it anyway. It’s a small silver necklace with a locket, in it a picture of her parents.
MOTHER
Here, I’ll put it on.
She fastens it around her daughter’s neck.
SYBIL
Thank you, mother.
BANG! BANG! Their weathered, wooden front door buckles with the pressure of each knock.
COLONEL LUDINGTON stands up from his seat at the fireplace and answers the door.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Can’t be good at this hour.
A gust of wind blows in as the door is thrown open. He finds a SOLDIER slumped over the railing outside. Colonel helps him into the house, getting him to a chair.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Boy, what’s your name? Sybil, grab him some water.
Sybil grimaces, noticing his white shirt has turned crimson red and heads to quickly fetch the water.
MESSENGER
Thank you, Colonel. General Washington sent me, sir.
He stops, trying to catch his breath. Sybil is back with a jug of water and a compress for his bleeding side.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Slow down. Catch your breath.
MESSENGER
The British landed on the shore of Fairfield. They’re marching to Danbury. We need you to muster your troops.
He stops, in pain, clenching his eyes.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
It’s impossible. I just sent the men home to sow the fields.
The Colonel stands up, crossing to the fire, thinking. The boy starts to stand, clutching the chair to get up.
MESSENGER
I can go.
But Sybil catches him before he falls, his blood staining her dress. Her mother comes over to help him back into the chair.
MOTHER
Sit. You need to rest.
Sybil’s mother lifts his shirt to look at the wound. It’s a gash – a clean bullet hole that has torn through his abdomen. Sybil’s face turns white at the blood.
MOTHER
You’ve been shot.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
You’re in no condition to go, boy. I’ll go get the Doctor then we can decide our plan.
MESSENGER
But the British…they will burn Danbury if we don’t stop them.
Colonel quickly grabs his pea coat by door, slips on his riding boots. Sybil is at his side in a flash.
SYBIL
Father, I can ride on. Alert the troops for you. I can go.
Her father looks at her with a laugh.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
You? But you…aren’t a soldier. You’re just a girl.
Sybil’s cheeks redden.
SYBIL
I know where to go, father. Please. Let me go. I can help.
He swings the door open.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Not this madness again, Sybil. Once and for all, you will do nothing of the sort. Stay home where it is safe. Your place is here with your mother like I’ve said a million times. I’ll be back as soon as I can.
Her hands clench into fists.
SYBIL
Please, father!
But the front door SLAMS in her face. She watches out the window, her cheeks wet with tears.
After a beat, she storms into her bedroom, grabbing her cape and kisses her youngest brother’s forehead who is fast asleep.
She barrels through the living room and leaves.
MOTHER
Sybil!
CUT TO:
I/E BARN – CONTINUOUS
Sybil struggles to open the heavy barn door fueled by anger and humiliation. She manages to swing it open, almost flying away with it in the wind. Marching into Star’s stall she finds her horse, with ears alert and questioning eyes.
Throwing the cinches over top of her, Sybil hoists the saddle onto the back of the horse. Quickly, she secures the girth. The horse DANCES, snorting anxiously.
SYBIL
Star! I don’t have time to fight you too.
She wipes away her tears, trying to control her impatience. She loosens the cinch a little and then loops it twice before tightening it. The horse stares at her, ears now pinned.
SYBIL
C’mon!
She lifts herself up into the saddle and with a kick they are off.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREETS, KENT – NIGHT
THUBALUP! THUBALUP! Horse’s hooves beat the grassy path through town. Colonel Ludington rides his horse like a glove.
They pull up next to a house just in town, and the Colonel hops off. KNOCKS on the door.
COL LUDINGTON
Doctor Freeman!
Waits a minute but there’s no response.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
Finally there’s a CLUTTER inside and the barrel of a gun appears, behind it the face of a nervous bearded old man.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
Colonel?
COL LUDINGTON
Doctor Freeman, there’s wounded soldier at our house. We need your help.
He lowers his weapon, confused and groggy.
DOCTOR FREEMAN
Soldier? Have the British invaded?
CUT TO:
EXT. FOREST, NEAR LUDINGTON FARM – CONTINUOUS
The forest is thick but even in the darkness, we can see a red coat. It’s Samuel’s and he peers behind one of the old oak trees, trying to catch his breath. Seeing the Messenger’s horse tied up in front of the old farm house, he gets off his horse for a break. The house is quiet.
He ventures behind another tree, taking a minute to finally relieve himself.
As he does so, the sound of hooves makes him turn back. He sees a horse speeding from the barn and head down the road.
SAMUEL
Blazes!
He hurries to finish.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROAD – CONTINUOUS
Star flies like a bat out of Hell and Sybil holds on tight to the horn of the saddle. They gallop down the dirt road though the darkness. The tighter Sybil holds on to her, the faster Star runs.
SYBIL
For the love of God, Star! Slow down!
Sybil tries to lean back a bit, asking the horse to stop but Star continues to gallop. Her eyes are wild, belligerent.
They continue through the edge of town, the road only lit by the moonlight, and cross a wooden bridge spanning over a small creek. The wooden deck bends as they ride across.
SYBIL
Star! Slow down, what are you doing?
She squeezes her thighs against Star’s side but nothing will stop her. Sybil’s attention is drawn to the forest which seems to light up, and she turns around to look behind them. Star finally turns and stops.
In the distance, Sybil GASPS to see the wooden bridge lit up in flames. The red light dances in her eyes.
SYBIL
The bridge. It’s gone.
She sees a figure in red standing in front of the bridge, feels his stare.
CUT TO:
EXT. BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS
Samuel stands next to the bridge, burning next to him, looking at Sybil. He smirks and hops back onto his horse, musket at the ready. He takes off towards her.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROAD – CONTINUOUS
Sybil grips the reigns with a quick squeeze with her heels.
SYBIL
Yah!
Star seems to connect with Sybil’s fear and they take off down the dirt road away from the threat.
-
Melanie’s Turning Point 1 Scenes
What I learned: how important it is to have not only an engaging turning point but one that means the protagonist can’t turn back! Thank you!
EXT. ROAD – CONTINUOUS
Star flies like a bat out of Hell and Sybil holds on tight to the horn of the saddle. They gallop down the dirt road though the darkness. But the tighter Sybil holds on to her, the faster Star runs.
SYBIL
For the love of God, Star! Slow down!
Sybil tries to lean back a bit, asking the horse to stop with her body position but Star continues to gallop. Her eyes are wild, belligerent.
They continue through the edge of town, the road only lit by the moonlight, and cross a wooden bridge spanning over a small creek. The wooden deck bends as they ride across.
SYBIL
Star! Slow down, what are you doing?
She squeezes her thighs against Star’s side but nothing will stop her. Sybil’s attention is drawn to the forest which seems to light up behind her, and she turns around to look behind them. Star finally turns and stops.
In the distance, Sybil GASPS to see the wooden bridge lit up in flames. The red light dances in her eyes.
SYBIL
The bridge. It’s gone.
She sees a figure in red standing in front of the bridge, feels his stare.
CUT TO:
EXT. BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS
Samuel stands next to the bridge, burning next to him, looking at Sybil. He smirks and hops back onto his horse, musket at the ready. He takes off towards her.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROAD – CONTINUOUS
Sybil grips the reigns with a quick squeeze with her heels.
SYBIL
Yah!
Star seems to connect with Sybil’s fear and they take off down the dirt road away from the threat.
-
Melanie’s Inciting Incident
What I learned: Breaking the script down into smaller pieces (key scene by key scene) is easier (at least psychologically) to digest !
INT. LUDINGTON FARMHOUSE – NIGHT
Sybil cleans up the dishes from the table, munches on a ginger cookie. Her MOTHER takes a dish from her.
MOTHER
You go to bed, dear. It is still your birthday.
Sybil offers a small smile.
MOTHER
Oh, and here, we got you something.
Her mother proudly holds out a small cloth-covered box.
SYBIL
Is it a knife?
Her mother’s eyes widen in shock.
MOTHER
No, of course not. Why would you say that?
Sybil opens it anyway. It’s a small necklace with a locket, in it a picture of her parents.
MOTHER
Here, I’ll put it on.
She fastens it around her daughter’s neck.
SYBIL
Thanks, mother.
BANG! BANG! Their weathered, wooden front door buckles with the pressure of each knock.
COLONEL LUDINGTON stands up from his seat at the fireplace and answers the door.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Can’t be good at this hour.
A gust of wind blows in as the door is thrown open. He finds a SOLDIER slumped over the railing outside. Colonel helps him into the house, getting him to a chair.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Boy, what’s your name? Sybil, grab him some water.
Sybil grimaces, noticing his white shirt has turned crimson red and heads to quickly fetch the water.
MESSENGER
Thank you, Colonel. General Washington sent me, sir.
He stops, trying to catch his breath. Sybil is back with a jug of water and a compress for his bleeding side.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Slow down. Catch your breath.
MESSENGER
The British landed on the shore of Fairfield. They’re marching to Danbury. We need you to muster your troops.
He stops, in pain, clenching his eyes.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
It’s impossible. I just sent the men home to sow the fields.
The Colonel stands up, crossing to the fire, thinking. The boy starts to stand, clutching the chair to get up.
MESSENGER
I can go.
But Sybil catches him before he falls, his blood staining her dress. Her mother comes over to help him back into the chair.
MOTHER
Sit. You need to rest.
Sybil’s mother lifts his shirt to look at the wound. It’s a gash – a clean bullet hole that has torn through his abdomen. Sybil’s face turns white at the blood.
MOTHER
You’ve been shot.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
You’re in no condition to go, boy. I’ll go get the Doctor then we can decide our plan.
MESSENGER
But the British…they will burn Danbury if we don’t stop them.
Colonel quickly grabs his pea coat by door, slips on his riding boots. Sybil is at his side in a flash.
SYBIL
Father, I can ride on. Alert the troops for you. I can go.
Her father looks at her with a laugh.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
You? But you…aren’t a soldier. You’re just a girl.
Sybil’s cheeks redden.
SYBIL
I know where to go, father. Please. Let me go. I can help.
He swings the door open.
COLONEL LUDINGTON
Not this madness again, Sybil. Once and for all, you will do nothing of the sort. Your place is here with your mother like I’ve said a million times. I’ll be back as soon as I can.
Her hands clench into fists.
SYBIL
Please, father!
But the front door SLAMS in her face. She watches out the window, her cheeks wet with tears.
After a beat, she storms into her bedroom, grabbing her cape and kisses her youngest brother’s forehead who is fast asleep.
She barrels through the living room and leaves.
MOTHER
Sybil!
CUT TO:
I/E BARN – CONTINUOUS
Sybil struggles to open the heavy barn door fueled by anger and humiliation. She manages to swing it open, almost flying away with it in the wind. Marching into Star’s stall she finds her horse, with ears alert and questioning eyes.
Throwing the cinches over top of her, Sybil hoists the saddle onto the back of the horse. Quickly, she secures the girth. The horse DANCES, snorting anxiously.
SYBIL
Star! I don’t have time to fight you too.
She wipes away her tears, trying to control her impatience. She loosens the cinch a little and then loops it twice before tightening it. The horse stares at her, ears now pinned.
SYBIL
C’mon!
She lifts herself up into the saddle and with a kick they are off.
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Melanie’s Act 1: Opening Scenes
What I learned: how to think of scenes with a beginning, a middle and an end with a twist! Cool.
EXT. FOREST, NEAR LUDINGTON FARM – DAY
SYBIL, a newly 16 year old girl with long unruly braids, hides quietly in thick brush in the forest. Shadows play out in front of her and she holds her breath…waiting. A squirrel. A deer. She GASPS as the thicket is suddenly pulled away by a handsome Iroquois boy with angry eyes, sunlight pouring in.
THRASH! He swipes the air with a knife and she leaps out SCREAMING.
SYBIL
Stop it!
She barely escapes, thundering towards her dark brown mare twenty paces away. She reaches her, foot in the stirrups when she takes off without her, leaving Sybil on the ground. The boy is nearly on her when THWFT! She flies upwards, her foot wrapped in a rope, until she is hanging upside down in the tree.
IROQUOIS BOY
I win. You lose.
She fumes.
SYBIL
Get me down! And you didn’t win – you just got lucky.
He laughs as she tries to keep her skirt from falling down.
SHWACK! The rope is cut and she hits the ground hard. An Iroquois man, the boy’s dad, towers above her. She offers a small smile.
SYBIL
Thanks, sir.
The older man is about to leave when he turns.
IROQUOIS MAN
You want to fight?
SYBIL
Yes, more than anything.
IROQUOIS MAN
Why?
SYBIL
Our country is at war. It’s my duty to stop them.
His wise eyes smile at her.
IROQUOIS MAN
The warrior is not someone who fights to take another life, a warrior sacrifices himself for the good of others.
He grabs his son’s arm and they leave her.
EXT. GENERAL TRYON’S MANSION – NIGHT
A fire rages through the mansion. GENERAL TRYON and his WIFE fly out the front door into the cold wintry night, along with SERVANTS. They watch in horror as their home is destroyed before them.
SAMUEL, a twenty-year old assistant, buttons his wool coat as he comes running from the barracks on the other side of the property. He reaches Tron’s side.
SAMUEL
What happened, sir? Can I do anything?
GENERAL TRYON
I don’t know.
His wife suddenly screams.
WIFE
Madelyn! Oh my God! Where’s Madelyn?
General Tryon turns to Samuel, his face a shade of white.
GENERAL TRYON
Our daughter! Find her!
Samuel nods, slowly wandering towards the inferno. He stops at the front door seeing the stairs consumed in angry red flames. He turns to a HOUSEKEEPER who is next to him and makes a split decision.
SAMUEL
You. The General wants you to find his daughter. She’s inside!
A flash of fear washes over the woman’s face but she grabs her skirt, dashes inside and up the stairs.
Within seconds, the housekeeper appears at the child’s bedroom window, the CHILD in her arms. The walls burn down around her and she coughs opening the window. The wife SCREAMS as the woman suddenly throws the child out of the window towards a snow bank.
Silence as everyone watches the child land in the snow. Both the General and his wife rush to the child, who starts to cry.
Samuel looks up at the window once more – the housekeeper is lost in the flames. He gathers himself, striding over to the General.
SAMUEL
I sent her in for you. I told her to find the child.
The couple is consumed with tears, and the General clasps his shoulder.
GENERAL TRYON
Thank you.
SAMUEL
Of course, sir. I am at your disposal.
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Melanie’s Beat Sheet Draft 2
What I learned: just keep going! Ideas sort themselves out as long as you keep moving forward.
Act 1:
INT. WOODS – DAY
TE1: Sybil is playing a game of war in the woods next to her home with an Iroquois teen. He tracks her to her hiding spot, Sybil jumps out and tries to fight but he disarms her and she loses. She runs after him angrily and triggers a trap that leaves her hanging upside down from a tree from a rope. The teen laughs at her. His father appears, lets her down.
Theme: The father tells her “Everything on earth has a purpose, every disease an herb to cure it and every person a mission.” Sybil: “When will I know my purpose?” Iroquois: “When it is revealed to you.”
(Lesson: she doesn’t know how to fight)
EXT. FARMHOUSE – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: Sybil watches her father talk to the militia, sending them home. Sees Edmond in the troops. She asks her father to teach her how to shoot, but he refuses.
INT. FARMHOUSE – NIGHT
PLACEHOLDER: The family celebrates Sybil’s 16th birthday, exchange of gifts. (**maybe hoping for her father to give her a weapon but gets a necklace instead)
EXT. TRYON HOME – NIGHT
PLACEHOLDER: Meanwhile, Samuel witnesses the burning of General Tryon’s mansion, and feeds on the belief that the American militia were the arsonists. He helps to put out the flames, saving the General’s son and igniting his own desire to quell the enemy.
Inciting Incident
INT. LUDINGTON FARM HOUSE – NIGHT
PLACEHOLDER: Sybil leads her siblings in marching in front of the windows as soldiers in order to scare away Loyalists that have gathered to speak to her father. They see the shadows marching in front of the windows, think he has an army in the house and leave.
INT. LUDINGTON FARM HOUSE – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT:
A wounded messenger arrives at Sybil’s house in the night, warning her father that he must gather his soldiers as the British have invaded Danbury, CT. The man is too wounded to go any further and her father must stay to rally soldiers. His wound is deep and he says he was shot at. The reality hits her, but she . Her father forbids her to go but she hops on their horse anyway and leaves.
*Theme: The moment has presented itself…her purpose. Does she have the courage to go after her freedom?
Samuel waits outside the house, having shot him. Waiting to see if he has been successful. When Sybil leaves on horseback, he then follows her and realizes he must now stop her.
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
Miles from her farm as rain starts to fall, Star (her horse) stubbornly stops in the road, refusing to go any further. She pushes and pulls to get her to move, and angers the horse further. Suddenly a gunshot whizzes by them, the horse bucks her off and runs into the forest.
Act 2:
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
New plan
Sybil hides in a bush on the side of the road, managing to escape Samuel who rides by into the forest…after her horse. She decides she can’t go on foot and needs to get her horse back.
TE 2: She learns she needs help – she can’t do this mission alone.
Theme: She has total freedom now but she’s never been alone before. It’s different than she imagined it would be. She musters the courage to continue.
EXT. ROADSIDE – NIGHT
Sybil hides in the bushes. She heads into the forest after her. But they are too fast and she can’t possibly catch up. She’s now lost and alone. Remembering what she learned from the Iroquois friend, she starts to track them by looking for broken branches.
EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
TE3: Along the way she comes across dead American militia strewn across the forest floor. The spoils of war are not pretty. It’s not fun and games anymore. She continues on.
Theme: What was the cost of freedom for these soldiers?
EXT. SAMUEL’S CAMP – NIGHT
Midpoint Turning Point
She is able to track them and finds her horse now tied up next to Samuel’s camp. She sneaks in and frees her horse but it makes a ruckus. Samuel sees them, and fires at her again, but she hops on and they head out. Samuel hops on his horse and is right behind them. Another gunshot wounds her horse’s side.
Act 3:
Rethink everything
INT. BARN – NIGHT
Sybil and her horse make it to a nearby barn where she assesses her horse’s wound. Star is bleeding, and she hugs her in tears, finally forming a friendship. Samuel is now at the door to the house next door, banging on it looking for them. She has to act fast.
TE 4: She breaks down seeing her horse is injured because of her actions, but ultimately she decides to keep going. She can’t go back now.
Theme: At what cost is she willing to go to fight for her freedom? At the cost of killing her horse?
EXT. DANBURY, CT – NIGHT
British soldiers have descended upon the city, ransacking the town and starting to burn it down. We see the savagery and what’s at stake for the rest of the country should Sybil fail.
New plan
I/E. BARN – NIGHT
Sybil scrounges through the barn, makes a concoction to rub onto the wound, and wraps a cloth around it. As a team, they must work together.
TE 5: She regroups since her horse is now wounded, coming up with a new strategy to take another path to town instead of out running Samuel. She and the horse head out again, not on the road but through the forest.
EXT. TOWN, NY – NIGHT
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift
Sybil and her horse make it to the first town. She grabs a stick and bangs on houses, waking them up. But none of the townspeople understand what is happening and they dismiss her. No sign of Samuel but he waits for her on the edge of town.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
Sybil rides faster, the blood soaking through Star’s bandage, making it to the next town but Samuel cuts them off before they enter.
TE 6: Samuel stands in her way. She must fight him in hand to hand combat. He points the gun at her, giving her a last warning. Her horse lunges at his, and his horse bucks him off. Sybil manages to disarm him (using the trick the Iroquois friend did to her in the beginning), succeeds leaving Samuel on the ground without his gun. She grabs his musket and heads into the town.
EXT. TOWN #2 – NIGHT
PLACEHOLDER: Men answer door, stumble out of houses.
EXT. CENTER OF TOWN #2 – NIGHT
Sybil rings the bell in the center of town, summoning the townspeople who gather groggily. Now she must find the words with which to address them.
TE 7: In addressing the crowd, she must be believable, figure out how to rally them. We see her use her dad’s skills, as he had addressed the troops in the beginning. But she is far more passionate and persuasive, speaking her truth.
She tells the British have invaded Danbury and holds up the musket as proof. Edmond, a soldier from her father’s regiment, vouches for her. She has become her dad but better! The militia finally rally behind her.
Theme: She now must instill in them the same courage she found for herself. To fight for their freedom. What is at stake for them?
EXT. OUTSIDE OF TOWN – NIGHT
PLACEHOLDER: Samuel leaves, seeing the forces she has rallied, unsuccessful in his attempt to stop her. He must go back to General Tryon to tell him of the failure – before these militia arrive in Danbury. Does he desert instead?
Resolution
EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE LUDINGTON FARM – NIGHT
She leads 400 militia men back to her farm to her father’s shock. He starts to help her off her horse, but Edmond does so instead. She no longer needs her father’s approval, she has proven her abilities to herself.
Theme: She has finally found her freedom, and is changed, having grown respect for what it took to get it.
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Melanie’s Highspeed Beat Sheet
What I learned – I need to let go in and focus on the most important parts of the journey in the beginning instead of being concerned with details.
Act 1:
INT. WOODS – DAY
TE1: Sybil is playing a game of war in the woods next to her home with an Iroquois teen. He tracks her to her hiding spot, Sybil jumps out and tries to fight but he disarms her and she loses.
EXT. FARMHOUSE – DAY
Sybil watches her father talk to the militia, sending them home. Sees Edmond in the troops. She asks her father to teach her how to shoot, but he refuses – she skulks away.
EXT. TRYON HOME – NIGHT
PLACEHOLDER: Meanwhile, Samuel witnesses the burning of General Tryon’s mansion, and feeds on the belief that the American militia were the arsonists. He helps to put out the flames, saving the General’s son and igniting his own desire to quell the enemy.
Inciting Incident
INT. LUDINGTON FARM HOUSE – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT:
A wounded messenger arrives at Sybil’s house in the night, warning her father that he must gather his soldiers as the British have invaded Danbury, CT. The man is too wounded to go any further and her father must stay to rally soldiers, so Sybil jumps at the chance. Her father forbids her to go but she hops on their horse anyway and leaves.
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
Miles from her farm as rain starts to fall, Star (her horse) stubbornly stops in the road, refusing to go any further. She pushes and pulls to get her to move, and angers the horse further. Suddenly a gunshot whizzes by them, the horse bucks her off and runs into the forest.
Act 2:
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
New plan
Sybil hides in a bush on the side of the road, managing to escape Samuel who rides by into the forest…after her horse. She decides she can’t go on foot and needs to get her horse back.
TE 2: She learns she needs help – she can’t do this mission alone.
EXT. ROADSIDE – NIGHT
Sybil hides in the bushes. She heads into the forest after her. But they are too fast and she can’t possibly catch up. She’s now lost and alone. Remembering what she learned from the Iroquois friend, she starts to track them by looking for broken branches.
EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
TE3: Along the way she comes across dead American militia strewn across the forest floor. The spoils of war are not pretty. It’s not fun and games anymore. She continues on.
EXT. SAMUEL’S CAMP – NIGHT
Midpoint Turning Point
She is able to track them and finds her horse now tied up next to Samuel’s camp. She sneaks in and frees her horse but it makes a ruckus. Samuel sees them, and fires at her again, but she hops on and they head out. Samuel hops on his horse and is right behind them. Another gunshot wounds her horse’s side.
Act 3:
Rethink everything
INT. BARN – NIGHT
Sybil and her horse make it to a nearby barn where she assesses her horse’s wound. Star is bleeding, and she hugs her in tears, finally forming a friendship. Samuel is now at the door to the house next door, banging on it looking for them. She has to act fast.
TE 4: She breaks down seeing her horse is injured because of her actions, but ultimately she decides to keep going. She can’t go back now.
EXT. DANBURY, CT – NIGHT
British soldiers have descended upon the city, ransacking the town and starting to burn it down. We see the savagery and what’s at stake for the rest of the country should Sybil fail.
New plan
I/E. BARN – NIGHT
Sybil scrounges through the barn, makes a concoction to rub onto the wound, and wraps a cloth around it. As a team, they must work together.
TE 5: She regroups since her horse is now wounded, coming up with a new strategy to take another path to town instead of out running the antagonist. They head out again, not on the road but through the forest.
EXT. TOWN, NY – NIGHT
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift
Sybil and her horse make it to the first town. She grabs a stick and bangs on houses as they run by with Samuel on their heels. But none of the townspeople understand what is happening and they dismiss her.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
Sybil rides faster, the blood soaking through Star’s bandage, making it to the next town but Samuel cuts them off before they enter.
TE 6: Samuel stands in her way. She must fight him in hand to hand combat. He points the gun at her, giving her a last warning. Her horse lunges at his, and his horse bucks him off. Sybil manages to disarm him (using the trick the Iroquois friend did to her in the beginning), succeeds leaving Samuel on the ground without his gun. She grabs his musket and heads into the town.
EXT. TOWN #2 – NIGHT
Sybil rings the bell in the center of town, summoning the townspeople who gather groggily.
TE 7: In addressing the crowd, she must be believable, figure out how to rally them. We see her use her dad’s skills, as he had addressed the troops in the beginning. But she is far more passionate and persuasive, speaking her truth.
She tells the British have invaded Danbury and holds up the musket as proof. Edmond, a soldier from her father’s regiment, vouches for her. She has become her dad but better! The militia finally rally behind her. Samuel leaves, seeing the forces she has rallied, beaten.
Resolution
EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE LUDINGTON FARM – NIGHT
She leads 400 militia men back to her farm to her father’s shock. He starts to help her off her horse, but Edmond does so instead. She no longer needs her father’s approval, she has proven her abilities to herself.
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Melanie’s Transformational Events
What I learned: transformational events give you a road map for the character’s journey.
SYBIL
Character Arc:
Beginning: An overlooked farm girl destined to a life at home
End: A soldier with a mission to save the country
Old Ways:
Believes her way of doing things is the best/only way
Impulsive in her reactions, doesn’t plan anything
Does things for self-gain
No one listens to her
New Ways:
Realizes that she is a student
Understands that in order to win, you must plan
Puts country first
Leads people
Changes she will have to make to go from Old Way to New Way – in order of importance:
Experience her ways of doing things (forcing her will upon others) fail. Example: Her horse fails to listen to her, bucks her off and leaves her stranded. She learns she needs help – she can’t do this mission alone.
Experience loss to realize that impulsive behavior in war is an end game. It’s not fun and games anymore. Example: On her way through the forest to find her horse, she witnesses the spoils of war and it’s not pretty.
Make the decision to keep moving forward. This new way of life is harder than she thought. Example: She breaks down seeing her horse is injured because of her actions, but ultimately she decides to keep going. She can’t go back now.
Outwit the enemy. Example: She regroups since her horse is now wounded, coming up with a new strategy to take another path to town instead of out running the antagonist.
Stand up to the enemy. Learn how to fight like a man. Example: Antagonist beats her to the next town anyway, standing in her way. She must fight him in hand to hand combat.
Become a leader of the militia, like her dad. Example: In addressing the crowd gathered before her at the end, she must be believable, figure out how to rally them. We see her use her dad’s skills, as he addressed the troops in the beginning. She becomes a new version of her dad!
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Melanie’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
What I learned: Sometimes you have to just forge ahead into the unknown with faith that you will figure it out later!
Concept: Forbidden to never venture outside the farm by her over protective father (a Colonel in the American Revolution), Sybil decides to take off on her own at night to save the country from the invading British.
Main Conflict: Samuel, the British scout, wants Sybil dead to eradicate word spreading of the British troops arrival to the American Continental Army and militia.
Old Ways:
Sybil’s old identity: A farm girl destined to a life at home.
Believes her way is the best way.
Impulsive in her reactions, doesn’t plan
Does things for self-gain
New Ways:
Sybil’s new identity: Soldier with a mission to save the country
Realizes she is a student
Understands that in order to win, you must plan your attack
Puts the country first
Act 1:
Opening
Sybil is playing a game of war in the woods next to her home with an Iroquois teen. He tracks her to her hiding spot and Sybil’s impulsive behavior results in him disarming her wooden knife and her losing the game.
Meanwhile, Samuel witnesses the burning of General Tryon’s mansion, and feeds on the belief that the American militia were the arsonists. He helps to put out the flames, saving the General’s son and igniting his own desire to quell the enemy.
Inciting Incident
A wounded messenger arrives at Sybil’s house in the night, warning her father that he must gather his soldiers as the British have invaded Danbury, CT. The man is too wounded to go any further and her father must stay to rally soldiers, so Sybil jumps at the chance. Her father forbids her to go but she hops on their horse anyway and leaves.
Turning Point
Miles from her farm as rain starts to fall, Star (her horse) stubbornly stops in the road, refusing to go any further. She pushes and pulls to get her to move, and angers the horse further. Suddenly a gunshot whizzes by them, the horse bucks her off and runs into the forest.
Act 2:
New plan
Sybil hides in a bush on the side of the road, managing to escape Samuel who rides by into the forest…after her horse. She decides she can’t go on foot and needs to get her horse back.
Plan in action
She heads into the forest after her. But they are too fast and she can’t possibly catch up. She’s now lost and alone. Remembering what she learned from the Iroquois friend, she starts to track them by looking for broken branches.
Midpoint Turning Point
She is able to track them and finds her horse now tied up next to Samuel’s camp. She sneaks in and frees her horse but it makes a ruckus. Samuel sees them, and fires at her again, but she hops on and they head out. Samuel hops on his horse and is right behind them. Another gunshot wounds her horse’s side.
Act 3:
Rethink everything
Sybil and her horse make it out of the woods, to a nearby barn where she assesses her horse’s wound. Star is bleeding, and she hugs her in tears, finally forming a friendship. Samuel is now at the door to the house next door, banging on it looking for them. She has to act fast.
New plan
Sybil scrounges through the barn, makes a concoction to rub onto the wound, and wraps a cloth around it. As a team, they must work together. They head out again, not on the road but through the forest.
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift
They make it to the first town, she grabs a stick and bangs on houses as they run by with Samuel on their heels. But none of the townspeople understand what is happening and they dismiss her.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
Sybil rides faster, the blood soaking through Star’s bandage, making it to the next town but Samuel cuts them off. He confronts them pointing the gun at her, giving her a last warning. Her horse lunges at his, and his horse bucks him off. Sybil manages to disarm him (the trick the Iroquois friend did to her in the beginning), succeeds leaving Samuel on the ground without his gun. She grabs his musket and heads into the town. This time she heads for the bell, ringing it for all the townspeople to hear. She tells the British have invaded Danbury and holds up the musket as proof. Edmond, a soldier from her father’s regiment, vouches for her. The militia finally rally behind her. Samuel leaves, seeing the force she has rallied, beaten.
Resolution
She leads 400 militia men back to her farm to her father’s shock. He starts to help her off her horse, but Edmond does so instead. She no longer needs her father’s approval, she has proven her abilities to herself.
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Melanie’s Character Interviews:
What I learned from this assignment is that it’s a great idea to interview your characters! I’d never tried that before and it really opens up the story of “why” they are who they are and what is really going on internally. Awesome exercise!
And here’s what else I learned about the lead characters from the interviews:
Sybil (Protagonist): She has big dreams but she’s secretly scared she won’t succeed. Will she have what it takes? Will she give up halfway through? It’s a huge ask for such a young person to ride 40 miles in the dark in the rain to rally the troops. She talks a big game, but inside is a shrinking violet. An accident happened at the grist mill last year and her youngest brother will now forever walk with a limp. She blames herself for the accident – she should have seen the stone falling…and the guilt eats away at her confidence, especially now in this moment of crisis. It’s her endless optimism, however, that keeps her dreams of doing something important afloat. This opportunity is her big chance to prove to herself and to the world that she is worthy of the challenge and brave enough, she just has to shelve her insecurities and mounting pressure of what will happen if she doesn’t succeed.
Samuel (Antagonist): He grew up on the streets, having to fend for himself. So he’s savvy, street smart and his good looks get him out of tough spots. This is his first job in the army and although he’s low on the totem pole, the money is changing his mindset to the future especially possibility of more financial growth. Secretly, he’s stowing the money away to buy an engagement ring for a girl back in England who is waiting for his return. And maybe he’s not the most loyal patriot in his regiment, but he’s there to rise up the ranks selfishly. Completing this job seems easy but the scrawny messenger girl puts his skills to the test as she out-runs and out-thinks him, throwing a wrench in his plans to capture her. But he’s got an ace up his sleeve, after all he’s got a gun and knows how to use it.
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Melanie’s Character Profile – Part 2
What I learned during this assignment is that doing chores helps the mind to be free to brainstorm character traits!
Protagonist: Sybil
What draws us to this character? Sybil’s enthusiasm and passion about her beliefs is compelling, drawing us along with her goals, making us root for her success. She’s an innocent girl in a war zone and she must succeed – the weight of the country is on her shoulders.
Traits: Passionate, naive, relentless, courageous
Subtext: not sure
Flaw: Impulsive reactions.
Values: Justice, freedom.
Irony: The one thing she wants more than anything is her father’s approval. But she has to directly disobey him in order to save the country.
What makes her the right character for the role? She comes from a lineage of soldiers and she has the same fight in her heart, willing to put her life on the line in order to do what’s right. It’s her passion to make a difference in the world and her naivete that assures her she can do it (fools rush in where angels fear to tread).
Antagonist: Samuel
What draws us to this character? Samuel is similar to Sybil in tenacity and courage. He’s handsome, strong, a fearless underling out to prove his worth and equally committed to succeed in his task of stopping the enemy from spreading word of their whereabouts.
Traits: Ruthless, intelligent, loyal, relentless
Subtext: not sure
Flaw: Narcissistic.
Values: Justice, integrity, winning.
Irony: His assumption that no one can beat him, especially a lowly girl, actually drives Sybil to succeed. Ultimately his pride is what pushes Sybil to complete her mission as a messenger and results in his failure.
What makes him the right character for the role? He comes from poverty, having been brought up by a drunkard as a father. Life has left holes in his heart, coloring his spirit with hatred and fueling him for redemption. He is hellbent now to make something of himself – failure is not an alternative.
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Melanie’s Transformational Journey
What I learned today doing this assignment is that the character evolves both internally and externally during their transformational journey. For some reason in the past I’ve only focused on a character’s internal growth.
2. As the fledgling new America fights for freedom during the heart of the Revolutionary War, sixteen year old Sybil, daughter to a Colonel, aspires to do more than just help her mother take care of her eleven siblings at home. She begrudgingly does her chores at home while she watches the men go off to fight for their freedom. Secretly she wants to break this stereotypical mold to prove to her father that she is strong enough to help in the war. She does so by leaving in the middle of the night to warn the militia across the neighboring counties of an imminent British attack. Her character arc is that she rises from her quiet obligatory daughter role at home to find her voice/strength and rally the troops from neighboring counties to fight the British.
Internal Journey: From angrily obstinate and impulsive to open-minded and strategic. From a scared childish introvert to an outspoken leader of men.
External Journey: From amateur horse rider to experienced equestrian. From a small town colonial homemaker to a rallying messenger of the American militia.
3. Old Ways:
Stews over her situation, forcing her ideas on her siblings and parents.
Impulsively makes decisions.
Slave to her chores and responsibilities at home. Restless and wants to prove herself.
Self-serving for her own gain.
New Ways:
Listens and learns from an unexpected teacher.
Formulates a plan of action to rally soldiers.
Finds courage to ride alone by horseback in the middle of the night.
Recognizes the self-sacrifice it takes to be a leader.
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Hi there! I’m Melanie and I’ve written about 12 scripts. I’m looking forward to improving my system of writing screenplays – especially working on pacing and crafting the hero’s journey. I’m also a casting director 🙂
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Hi Jeff – Please see my comments below 🙂
Title: The Paranormal Patient
Writer: Jeff Guenther
Overall remarks: Great intensity and play of MIS throughout the piece and characters, ominous setting, mysterious characters, heightened sense of drama.
General Comments
Reel 1:
Nice sense of foreboding when Allie interviews for the job. Love the setting.
Would a CEO of the hospital be interviewing a low level hire?
Nice build-up to the introduction of Clara.
Reel 2:
This place is so creepy and haunted – why is Allie opting to stay here? Maybe more of a look at her personal situation would help so we understand why she has to stay. What is she coming home to every night?
What other ways can you allude to paranormal occurrences besides fires? Perhaps, less is more – that way you have something to build on.
Reel 3:
Who did Allie tell about her personal situation? Build of intrigue is good.
Nice mystery as to what happened to the step-father. Where is his wife in all this?
Reel 4:
Fun paranormal surgery. Great scene to develop.
If Clara is a poltergeist – how realistic is surgery?
Would Allie do the anesthetic for Clara’s operation?
What is surgery for?
Reel 5:
Nice revelation from the Custodian that all paranormal activity happens close to Clara. Suspense! Also liked the character intrigue about Clara from exorcist.
Introduction of police – perhaps continue this investigation? This could add more intrigue.
Reel 6:
Why is Allie mad? What is driving Allie at this point?
Polygrippa is an interesting character – with lots of well-developed intrigue and mystery. It might be a nice reversal if she faked her death, suspecting this organ donor operation, and came back at the end with police.
Is Villain covering his tracks? Allie seems to easily find the bodies.
Reel 7:
Interesting twist at the end with the organ donor program. Definitely wasn’t expecting that!
Would they harvest the Custodian’s organs after he has been dead for a day?
Is Clara possessed or a poltergeist?
Resolution for Allie?
Main Takeaway: I enjoyed the paranormal twists and turns but I wanted more insight into Allie. I think your build up of MIS will have more impact if we relate to them through Allie’s reactions/choices and their consequences.
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Hi Kimberly – Would love to swap – sorry just seeing your message now. What is your email?
Thanks,
Melanie