michelle patnett
Forum Replies Created
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Need more scenes that show demonstrate character growth, and provide various opportunities for Monique to pause and reflect.
Also need to add more early scenes to fully develop the relationship between Monique and her husband.
I’m also thinking of adding minor victories for Monique; little “yes” moments that help strengthen her resolve, and keep the balance of power more level. All the authority figures seem to be squarely on Jack’s side, so adding a few key characters who are on Monique’s side might tighten the tension and add to the “will she succeed” question.
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I realized that my protagonist Monique is too one-dimensional. Need to add more believable character traits. She needs to struggle a bit more in her journey, but I also need additional minor characters for her to play off.
Jack, the antagonist, also needs to be better-rounded. I need to provide the “why,” for his character – what is the motivation for him to keep pulling these scams.
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Act 1, Scene 1 – scene added to show the dysfunction of Steven and Monique’s marriage.
Act 1, Scene 2 – scene added to reflect the hostility and dismissiveness Monique shows to her coworkers.
Act 2, Scene 3 – scene added to expand on the anger and resentment felt after Monique abandoned her mother and sister.
Act 3, Scene 1 – scene added to show Jack’s complex, multi-layered scam
Act 4 – Scene 3 – multiple scenes added to show Monique’s growing empathy and maturity amid numerous setbacks and letdowns.
Act 4, Scene 5 – scene added to show Monique’s return to her family, and the airing of their grievances. Also shows their reconciliation to her impending death.
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EXT. COURTROOM – DAY. IT’S FOUR MONTHS LATER
Jack is sentenced to two years in prison, and two years’ probation.
Jack smirks as he’s led away. He yells at Monique as he leaves.
JACK
Six months. Tops. Then I’ll be back. And I’m coming especially for you!
Monique cries and bows her head as Mark hugs her.
MONIQUE
It’s not enough. Never enough time…
Monique’s mother and sister comfort her as she walks out of the courtroom.
INT. MONIQUE’S HOME – NIGHT
Monique sits in a darkened room and silently cries.
INT. MONIQUE’S HOME – DAYTIME
Monique talks with her mom and sister, and eloquently apologizes to them for her past behavior. They all cry and forgive each other.
Monique returns to Seattle and requests a meeting with Kira and her husband. She offers a sincere apology, but neither seem to be open to a reconciliation. Monique also visits her old workplace, but few people recognize her. Those that do, greet her with chilly reception.
Monique is forced to face the truth – her past behavior permanently burned bridges, and there’s no way to rebuild the relationships she ruined with her drinking and brash behavior.
She returns to LA, sadder and wiser.
EXT. JAIL, DAYTIME
Jack exits the fence and pauses, takes a deep breath, and heads towards a car. Lynette, the clerk from the Hall of Records, is waiting for him. As he approaches the car, Monique emerges and approaches him.
JACK
You again? You’re kidding me with this. I just spent six months in lock-up, there’s nothing more you can do to me. You got your house back.
MONIQUE
You took a lot more from me than a house. You’ll never know…
JACK
Fine, whatever. Don’t start crying, expecting me to say I’m sorry. I’ve never been good at apologizing, not gonna start now. Besides, it all worked out for you, didn’t it.
MONIQUE
No. Not in the least. It’s not gonna work out for you either. You honestly think you’re gonna go back to your old life? Just like that? No harm done?
LYNETTE
Look, just go away and forget about it. He’s right. You got your house back, no harm done.
Monique laughs hysterically, pulls out a gun and aims at him.
MONIQUE
You took my life, I’ll take yours.
Monique shoots him point-blank in the head. Lynnette screams hysterically, as panic ensues all around.
Monique sighs in relief as the cops surround and handcuff her.
Monique is sentenced to 10 years in prison. Six months later she is granted a compassionate release. She returns to her home, which has been turned into a hospice. She dies from complications from Hepatitis C, contracted from her time as a homeless person.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by michelle patnett.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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INT. COURTROOM – DAYTIME
Monique on the witness stand, speaking in a slow, halting way.
MONIQUE
It belong to my husband’s grandparents. And when he died – was killed – I inherited it. It was a beautiful house. Lots of bedrooms – for children. But…
Jack at the defendant’s table, sighing and rolling his eyes.
MONIQUE
He didn’t just steal my house. It was my entire identity. I couldn’t prove who I was. No one believed me. No one. I was homeless, hungry, desperate.
Jack smirking behind his hands.
Mark testifies in Monique’s defense.
MARK
My team and I worked overtime to wade through all the records. We had to search through each alias, and dig through all the various identities. And, of course, there were his accomplices. We’ve uncovered evidence of at least three state employees who were involved.
Lynette, the Hall of Records clerk, nervously testifies.
LYNETTE
I didn’t know what he was doing. I swear. He said it was a victimless crime, and it was a way to make easy money. I have two kids. I’m taking care of my mother. I have bills…
Jack scowls at her from across the room.
Judge deliberates and decides on a verdict. Jack is found guilty of identity theft and falsifying property records. He is released on bail. He stares down Monique as he swaggers from the courtroom.
Monique collapses.
MONIQUE
He’s free on bail until the sentencing. He can keep right on doing what he’s been doing and no one can stop him.
MARK
No, we’re on to him now. He’s not gonna get away with it. They’re gonna lock him up.
Two months later, they return for sentencing. Jack is sentenced to two years in prison, and two years’ probation.
Jack smirks as he’s led away. He yells at Monique as he leaves.
JACK
Six months. Tops. Then I’ll be back. And I’m coming especially for you!
Monique cries and bows her head as Mark hugs her.
MONIQUE
It’s not enough. Never enough time…
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INT. HOME – DAYTIME
Monique watches Mr. Miller as he sleeps. He draws a few, ragged breathes, then appears to stop breathing. Monique closes her eyes and turns away.
INT. HOME – NIGHTTIME
Monique in the kitchen, doing the dishes. Mr. Miller’s two children bicker in the background, arguing about who gets what.
MARGARET
The china is mine. And the furniture. You took the stamp collection, and that’s worth a whole lot more than this other junk.
BOB
Hey, I got here first. Not my fault you refused to come when I called you.
MARGARET
No, you took what you wanted, THEN called me.
BOB
Hey, early bird and all that.
MARGARET
And you – what’s your name again – make sure the kitchen is all packed up. We’re still paying you for the rest of the week.
Monique stares through the window and slowly wipes a plate.
INT. HOME – DAYTIME
Monique in the middle of packing boxes. Phone rings.
MARK (on the phone)
Hey, it’s me. Can you talk?
Monique tiptoes to a bedroom and closes the door.
MARK
We have a court date.
MONIQUE
What? How?
Close-up of Monique pressing the receiver to her ear, tears rolling down her face.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by michelle patnett.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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MONIQUE
I want.. I want.. the old me back.
MARK
Well, it won’t be long now til she’s back.
MONIQUE
Ha. I wonder…
MARK
You should be aware: we’re gonna need to prep you in case there’s a trial. Start gathering any paperwork, proof, etc.
MONIQUE
The only proof I have is in my head. All I have is my intuition. My brains. My willpower.
MARK
Right. Well, a judge is gonna need a bit more than that.
MONIQUE
All I have is me…
MARK
Well, that’s fine for now but be ready to haul out the big guns. By the way, how did you figure it all out.
MONIQUE
Well, I knew for sure the house belonged to me. That was the foundation for everything that followed. I knew I had the law on my side – well, at first.
MARK
You said the guy stole your house. How does one steal a house?
MONIQUE
He did his homework. Basically, he stalked me. Knew I was alone and moved in when I was gone for the day. Changed the locks, threw out all my paperwork. Plus he had help.
MARK
Right, the chick from the Hall of Records.
MONIQUE
Right. I knew something was up with her when I asked her to look up the address. See, my superpower is I can read people.
Mark sits back, clearly unconvinced.
MONIQUE
I know exactly how people see me – just a dumb Mexican. So I usually sit back and evaluate the situation, then when the time’s right I pounce. That’s how I ended up as the VP of Regional Sales.
MARK
Quite impressive.
MONIQUE
You have no idea. People constantly putting you down, belittling you. Treating you like the help; ignoring you otherwise. Misjudging you.
MARK
You know, Monique. I say this with all respect to your situation – do you think that maybe if you’d approached this a little differently
MONIQUE
I can’t change the past. I wish I could, believe me! As God is my witness there are so many things I would have done differently. But it’s too late now. I need to move forward.
MARK
Well, like I said, it’s gonna take some time for this case to work its way through the system. Non-violent cases are low priority.
MONIQUE
Right. Just gotta have faith in the system. Right.
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Act 3 – Turning Point
EXT. MONIQUE’S FORMER HOME – MORNING
Door opens to Monique standing on the porch. Jack laughs mockingly and casually sips a beer.
MONIQUE
There’s still time for you. Give it all up, and I’ll go easy on you.
JACK
You’re joking. Give this up? I just moved in.
MONIQUE
You won’t succeed. I guarantee you it’s gonna end badly for you.
JACK
Nah. It’s gonna be great. Like candy from a baby.
MONIQUE
There’s still time. Walk away. This house doesn’t belong to you.
JACK
Mmm, according to the County Records it does.
MONIQUE
I’m telling you.
JACK
No, I’m telling you. It’s game over. You lost. Go back to wherever you came from cuz I own the house. Free and clear.
MONIQUE
Why do you do it? Why steal innocent people’s property and identity? Why not just get a job and earn your own money and
JACK
You still believe in the American dream. That’s funny. Cuz where I come from we’re too busy trying to survive. Dream? More like scheme. It’s a man’s world, sweetheart. Actually no; call it white man’s confidence. A dumb Mexican like you can’t hope to win. You wanna go up against me? Go right ahead. We’ll see who the courts believe.
MONIQUE
Be careful what you wish for.
Jack slams door in Monique’s face. She smiles sadly and walks away. As Monique walks down the street, curious neighbors peep out at her.
INT. OFFICE – EVENING
Monique faces down conference room full of lawyers. They all argue around her as she stares out the window.
MARK
It’s important that you understand exactly what’s at stake here. We can potentially bring down the entire ring. God only knows how far it extends.
MONIQUE
I just want my life back.
MARK
Yes, yes, I get that. But you have the rare opportunity here. Your testimony can be the key to it all.
MONIQUE
I just want to move on with my life.
MARK
Wait – what are you saying? You don’t want to testify? Come on! Where’s the old Monique? The old piss and vinegar gal? The one who was willing to take on a whole corrupt system?
MONIQUE
I just want… peace.
MARK
Yes! A piece of them! Carve them up and spit them out!
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INT SHOT – PUBLIC LIBRARY, MID-AFTERNOON
Monique pores intently over the printed pages, frowning. She stares off into space, tapping fingers.
INT. SHOT – UPSCALE HOME, MORNING
Monique is busy at the stove while an old man gazes blankly out the window.
Monique places food in front of MR. MARTIN as he pats her rear.
MONIQUE
No. Mr. Martin, we agreed that you would not do that anymore. That is grounds for a harassment lawsuit.
MR MARTIN
Oh honey, sue away. Your word against a senile old man. At my age I’ll be stiff in the ground before you see a penny.
MONIQUE
Mmmm. We’ll see.
As MR. MARTIN starts picking at his food, MONIQUE tiptoes into the other room and gently closes the door. She lifts the phone receive and dials directory assistance.
MONIQUE
Seattle, please. Kira McDaniel.
KIRA
Good morning, this is Kira!
MONIQUE
Kira. Hi. It’s Monique.
Beat. Monique twirls phone cord around her finger and waits for a response.
KIRA
You know, I’m a little surprised to hear from you.
MONIQUE
Yeah. I’m…I’m in trouble, Kira. Deep trouble, and I need your help. I need to prove that I am who I say I am.
Beat. Kira is silent as Monique sobs loudly.
KIRA
What? What is this, Monique? I don’t have time for your games right now. Get sober and get yourself together.
MONIQUE
I’ve been sober since I left Seattle. Mostly cause I can’t afford liquor. Kira, someone stole my house and I need to prove my identity in order to get it back. I need someone to help me prove that I am who I am.
KIRA
You’re not making any sense. You know, Monique, believe it or not I’ve always been on
your side. I know you had trouble fitting into our group because it’s such a different
world from the one you grew up in, but you have to get your act together. Now!
MONIQUE
Okay! Yes! I need to. I will. But I need your help.
KIRA
What do you need, Monique.
MONIQUE
Like I said. I need to prove I am who I am. The house that Steven left me, someone else is claiming it’s his house, and my car was towed with all my stuff in it and I’m pretty much homeless and the lawyer says I have to find people who can prove I’m me, and I need your help. And Jack. Jack’s a lawyer, they’ll believe him.
Beat. Monique clutches phone receiver and waits for a response.
KIRA (whispers)
That makes no fucking sense, Monique.
MONIQUE
(Sobs out loud, once.)
I KNOW! But it’s true, all of it. I can give you the number for the lawyer. Can you please pass it on to Jack and have him call?
KIRA
Oh, I don’t know about all that. Jack’s a busy guy, he doesn’t have time to play these games.
MONIQUE
That’s why I called you instead.
KIRA
Right. Cause you knew he’d hang up on you. Steven was his best friend and you treated him like a piece of shit. He really did love you. Don’t know why.
MONIQUE
Yes, okay! I know that now. If I could go back in time, there’s a lot of things
KIRA
Whatever. Just give me the number and I’ll pass it on. I can’t make any promises, though. Jack is his own person. Makes his own decisions.
MONIQUE
Just please ask him to hurry. I’m running out of time here.
INT. SHOT. MR MARTIN’S BEDROOM
Hiding in the pantry, Monique places a few drops of medicine in a glass of milk and stirs until the medicine is fully dissolved.
In the bedroom, she hands the glass to Mr. Martin and watches until he drinks the entire glass. She then settles in a chair and watches him intently until he falls asleep.
EXT. SHOT. MR MARTIN’S GARAGE, NIGHTTIME
Monique slips quietly out the back door and starts the car, an old Volvo.
LATE NIGHT – EXT. OF MONIQUE’S OLD HOUSE
Crouched in the bushes, Monique circles the house and slowly peeks through every window until she finds an occupied room.
INT SHOT – LIVING ROOM
Marc is angrily pacing back and forth across the room. The other person in the room is standing motionless, her back to the window. It appears to be a woman. Marc angrily jabs and punches the air. After a few heated minutes, the woman turns to answer Marc. It is the clerk from the Hall of Records.
Monique jerks back and leans against the house, furiously thinking. She continues to peek through the window, and after a half hour of heated discussion, the woman leaves.
Monique allows the woman a few minutes headstart, then also leaves.
She quietly returns Mr. Martin’s car to the garage and creeps into her bedroom. She lies in bed staring at the ceiling. She appears to be thinking furiously.
Monique pacing in office. MICHAEL, the legal aid representative, is distractedly searching through files on his desk.
<b align=”center”>MONIQUE
He’s using the names of the Astros starting lineup, so he’s probably from Houston or lived there for a while.
MICHAEL
He who? What are you talking about?
MONIQUE
He’s used ** and ** as far as I can tell.
MICHAEL
Again with this? I told you, bring me proof!
MONIQUE
You want proof? Here.
Tosses stack of paper on his desk.
MONIQUE (CONT’D)
I printed out every single real estate record where the owner of the property just happens to be the name of a baseball player in the Astros 1915 lineup.
MICHAEL
Uh, what?
<b align=”center”>MONIQUE
Don’t believe me? Convince yourself.
Lays another sheet of paper on desk.
MONIQUE (CONT’D)
This is the starting lineup for 1915. Check it against the records. I’ll wait.
MICHAEL starts to flick through the stack of papers and comparing it to the list of names. He stares at Monique, then starts a more deliberate comparison.
MICHAEL
Fuck me.
<b align=”center”>MONIQUE
But that’s ok, you don’t have to believe me. Every single one of these properties changed hands within the last year. Which isn’t suspicious in and of itself. But check the initials of the Hall of Records agent.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; text-align: center;”>MICHAEL
It’s .. it’s the same. LDB. Every time.
<b align=”center”>MONIQUE
Quite clever, if you think about it. Who’s gonna connect the dots. Well, someone with time on their hands and a burning need to kick some ass!
MICHAEL
If this is true, then you’re talking wide-scale corruption.
MONIQUE
Oh, it’s true. But that’s okay. I know you’ll check it out for yourself. What do I know, I’m just a stupid homeless Mexican.
MICHAEL
Okay. I’ll admit, this is very.. intriguing. But it could be just a coincidence.
MONIQUE
Sure. Ok. Then research the clerk. LDB. She’s a younger black chick, wide gap between her front teeth. Loves hoop earrings. She works the counter at Hall of Records. Monday through Friday, 8-5. She also hangs out with the squatter.
MICHAEL
Jesus, you’re stalking her?
MONIQUE
It’s called research. And I got nothing but time on my hands.
MICHAEL
That’s illegal!
<b align=”center”>MONIQUE
That’s cute. So I’m supposed to just sit back and accept what happened?
MICHAEL
No, you’re supposed to let the law do its job, not take matters into your own hands!
MONIQUE
Why not? He did.
MICHAEL
Again, what you’ve brought me is – intriguing. But there has to be a lot more research done.
MONIQUE
Well, hop on that. Do whatever you have to do to get this guy arrested, and get my house back.
MICHAEL
Maybe you need someone else. Let me see if I can find you another attorney who specializes in this sort of thing. Someone with more time on their hands.
MONIQUE
Funny. Time is exactly what I don’t have.
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INT. SHOT – COFFEE SHOP, LATE NIGHT
Monique nervously stirs her coffee as an older woman approaches.
MONIQUE
Oh, mama. Thank you so much for coming. It’s nice to see you.
MAMA
Monica.
MONIQUE
I know it’s been a long time and I’m sorry for…everything that’s happened. I know it’s gonna take a while for you to understand why I did what I did, but you have to believe me. I’m sorry for what I did and if I could I would pay back every single penny that I took. It’s just that
MAMA
Stole
MONIQUE
Sorry, what?
MAMA
Stole.
MONIQUE
Um, right. Stole. Anyways, I actually need your help. I need to prove my identity
MAMA
Never thought a child of mine would be a low-down common thief. I raised you right. Both you and your sister. And to think you would steal from me every penny of my hard-earned money. And sneak away in the middle of the night like some hardened criminal. I hope you made good use of that money.
MONIQUE
I… I bought a bus ticket to Seattle. Met a really nice guy. Got married, got a real nice job. I’m… Was. VP of Sales in a pharmaceutical company.
MAMA
Was? What happened? They fire you? Can’t say I blame them.
MONIQUE
Steven – my husband- died and left me the house in San Marino. Someone’s claiming it’s theirs, and I lost my ID and all my paperwork and I need someone to verify my identity.
MAMA
What’s that got to do with me? I can’t help you.
MONIQUE
Well, yes you can. Do you have any old pictures or paperwork that I can have? The lawyer says
MAMA
Ohhh. You mean like certificates and report cards and school photos? That kinda thing
MONIQUE
Yes! Yes, that’s exactly what I want. OK, I need you to
MAMA
How’s that gonna help you?
MONIQUE
Well, I need photos with my name attached to it
MAMA
Yeah, well all the stuff I have lists you as Monica Francisca Rodriguez y Mendoza. Not Monique.. whatever your last name is now.
A stunned Monique gazes down at the table.
MONIQUE
Shit, I hadn’t thought of that.
MAMA
Whatever trouble you’re in, you’ll have to get yourself out of. I can’t help you no more. Don’t call me again.
MAMA leaves in dignified rage as MONIQUE slumps at table, thinking.
INT. SHOT – HALL OF RECORDS, NOON
Monique approaches counter hesitantly. The clerk, a young black woman, eyes her warily.
CLERK
Yeah?
MONIQUE
I need information on a property. Like, a sales history and a list of all previous owners.
CLERK
Why? What you gonna do with that?
MONIQUE
Excuse me?
The two engage in a brief stare down.
MONIQUE
Real estate records are a matter of public record. I have a right to view the history. Here’s the address.
MONIQUE shoves piece of paper at the clerk, who snatches it up and glares at it. She is taken aback when she reads it, then seems startled when she glances at MONIQUE. She turns to a computer monitor and punches in seemingly random numbers.
CLERK
Nothing under that address. You probably wrote it down wrong.
MONIQUE
What? No. No. Check again.
CLERK
Excuse you?
MONIQUE
I mean. Would you mind checking again.
CLERK
Yes, I would mind. Now unless you have legitimate business, you need to leave. We really don’t encourage the homeless to loiter. This is a place of business.
CLERK stomps away from counter and MONIQUE dejectedly walks away. She sits on a bench in the hallway and contemplates her next move. A few beats later the CLERK comes out the door and turns in the opposite direction without noticing Monique. She seems to be in a nervous hurry.
Monique waits until she’s out of sight, then returns to the counter. A different clerk is manning the station; she is an older Caucasian lady with glasses and white hair in a bun.
MONIQUE
Excuse me, ma’am.
CLERK
How can I help.
MONIQUE
My boss asked me to get property records for his house. Here’s the address. Can you please look it up?
CLERK
Your boss. Hm. OK, I see it. Did you want a print out for him? It’s $1 a page.
MONIQUE
Yeah. Yes. Please.
CLERK
That’s $6.
Clerk places papers on counter as MONIQUE counts out her money.
MONIQUE
Um, I only have $5. Is that ok? Can I leave out one sheet?
Clerk sighs huffily, grabs the money and shoves the stack of paper at MONIQUE.
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INT. SHOT, GENERIC DINER
Monique glares as OWNER slaps plates of food on counter.OWNER
It ain’t rocket science. You greet the customers, take their orders, and bring ’em their food. Try not to screw up too much. This a 5-star establishment, I got a rep to maintain.
<b align=”center”>MONIQUE
When do I get paid? I need cash right away.
OWNER
Sounds like a ‘you’ problem. Just don’t screw up and you might earn something.
Monique tries to balance an overloaded tray and overturns a bowl of soup on a customer. She is immediately kicked out.
EXT. SHOT, DUSK. REAR OF GENERIC GROCERY STORE
A dirty Monique emerges from the dumpster, holding a few wrapped deli sandwiches.
MONIQUE
Fucking ridiculous. I wouldn’t feed this shit to my dog.
Monique sits on the curb, eating by moonlight. She pauses mid-bite, jumps up and runs down the street.
EXT. SHOT, DUMPSTER OUTSIDE
THE GROCERY STORE
MONIQUE PREVIOUSLY VISITED.Monique is slumped on the curb, surrounded by a few bags and scattered paper. She examines each page and nods sadly.
MONIQUE
I was right. He just dumped it all. But nothing in here helps me. Sure, it has my name on it. I know that’s my name. But I can’t prove any of this is mine. Fuck.
EXT SHOT, MONIQUE’S
FORMER HOME.Monique peeks through window at Mark sipping wine beside fireplace. Stomps around to the front and bangs on the door.
Mark opens door and doesn’t appear surprised.
MONIQUE
You’re a fucking thief and when this is all
over, I will personally make sure you burn in hell.
Mark slams door in Monique’s face.
INT. SHOT, GREASY
DINER – EARLY MORNINGOWNER
Just get the dishes in the right order. That’s all you need to do.
As Monique places food on the table, a customer squeezes her rear. She slaps him and walks out.
INT. SHOT – POLICE STATION,
DOWNTOWN LA. Mid-morningA dirty and disheveled Monique tries unsuccessfully to file a police report. The desk sergeant is clearly skeptical. A frustrated Monique slams her fist on the desk and is roughly escorted out.
INT. SHOT, CHEAP MOTEL
ROOM – MIDMORNINGMonique struggles to push a laundry cart and sees a naked stranger beckoning at her from a room. She runs away.
INT. SHOT, OFFICE
BUILDING AFTER-HOURSMonique empties trash can and is surprised by a tenant.
<b align=”center”>EMPLOYEE<div>
Hey, you like trash? Here you go.
He throws a fast-food soda cup at her, drenching her with soda.
MONIQUE
What the fuck? You asshole!
She throws a can of cleaner at him and runs out.
INT. SHOT, SUBURBAN
HOME.Young mother tries to balance a screaming baby on her lap.
MRS. CARTER
Now you’ll have to be careful with Justin. He has very sensitive skin and hates it when his diaper is wet.
MONIQUE
Oh, not a problem. I’m a pro at diaper-changing.
MRS. CARTER
I hope you’re a light sleeper. I hate it when he cries at night, it triggers my migraines. You’ll have to keep an ear out for him.
MONIQUE
Of course. Safety first, right?
MRS. CARTER
How many kids did you say you have? Two?
<b align=”center”>
<b align=”center”>MONIQUE
Well, actually I’ve-
<b align=”center”>MRS. CARTER
Oh, here’s my husband. I wanted him to meet you. You know, we can’t be too careful when it comes to nannies.
<b align=”center”>MR. CARTER
Hey, name’s Bill. So you moving in, huh?
MRS. CARTER
(sighs heavily)
You know, we just haven’t had much luck with nannies. They keep walking out on us!
Mr. Carter eyes Monique’s cleavage and licks suggestively.
MR. CARTER
Come on, I’ll show you your room. Just needs a good cleaning. I keep meaning to get the lock replaced. I’ll get around to it soon.
INT SHOT. LEGAL AID OFFICE, MIDDAY
Monique, clearly desperate and panicky, paces around the tiny space.
MONIQUE
How much longer is this going to take? I need my life back. I’m babysitting right now, and I’m about to kill the guy. He keeps sneaking into my room or trying to catch me in the bathroom.
MARK
You know how many crazies walk in here with the same story as you? Oh, someone stole something from them and now they want me to get it back for them.
MONIQUE
What are you talking about?
MICHAEL
I finally broke down and did a title search on the Claremont house. You’re not listed anywhere on the deed.
MONIQUE
What? No. You got the address wrong.
MICHAEL
Wasting my damn time. You know, there are people here who actually need my help.
MONIQUE
No, no, no. Check again. Monique Stephanie Duvall. Birthdate September-
MICHAEL
Gladys and Phillip Strong. They were the owners for almost twenty years, then two months ago it was transferred to XXX
MONIQUE
Yes! Yes, those were Stephen’s grandparents. They died earlier this year and left the house to him.
MICHAEL
Why not his parents?
MONIQUE
They’re both dead. Plus I think there was bad blood between the father and son. Stephen tried to tell me about it once but..
MICHAEL
Well, shame you didn’t listen to him.
MONIQUE
Look. How..how do I do this. How do I get my house back.
MICHAEL
You really think this house is yours?
MONIQUE
I don’t think. I know. I’m not gonna just walk away and let this guy take away my house.
MICHAEL
So bring me some actual proof instead
of these crazy ramblings.
EXT. SHOT – MONIQUE’S FORMER HOUSE, EARLY MORNING.
Monique peeking through the window at Marc. He is speaking animatedly and gesturing to a woman who is standing with her back to the window. Monique tries unsuccessfully to eavesdrop and learn the identity of the woman.
</div>
-
What I learned is the importance of stacking the odds against the protagonist. This amps up the conflict and makes it more enjoyable for the audience.
WOMAN #1
You need to come a lot earlier if you want a bed. Try again tomorrow. Line starts at 5.
Monique wanders the streets aimlessly. Eventually she curls up in the doorway of a church.
PASTOR
Have you tried the shelter? Maybe they have a vacancy.
MONIQUE
I’m not homeless. I have more money than I know what to do with.
PASTOR
Then you’re luckier than most people. But do you have Jesus on your side?
MONIQUE
Look. I’m not gonna get into it with you right now. I just need to get back on my feet.
PASTOR
Well if you won’t accept the Lord’s help, maybe you’ll accept mine. How about some coffee?
Monique grudgingly accepts and slowly opens up to the pastor.
PASTOR
Well, you certainly tell an interesting story.
MONIQUE
I know you don’t believe me. I wouldn’t either if I hadn’t experienced it.
PASTOR
Well, it’ll all work out in the end. Just show up with your paperwork and let the law work for you. Things have a way of—
MONIQUE
Empty words are the last thing I need right now. A shotgun would be more useful.
PASTOR
Violence solves nothing. I can give you the name of a help center.
MONIQUE
Shelter’s full. Which is why I’m here.
PASTOR
No, a legal aid center. They may be able to help. Or at least point you in the right direction.
MONIQUE
Oh. My car was towed. With my purse and everything.
Pastor slides over a few dollar bills and some loose change.
PASTOR
Call them. You might be able to work something out.
Exterior, Pasadena laundromat. Monique using the payphone.
MONIQUE
Hey. Sylvia. It’s Monica. Hey, sis.
SYLVIA
Well, you got some fucking nerve. Five years and all you can say is ‘hey’? Fucking puta.
MONIQUE
Look, I know I haven’t been in touch. And I’m sorry about that. But I kinda need your help right now. I’m in trouble.
SYLVIA
Trouble? Ask your rich, white friends for help.
MONIQUE
Steven’s dead. He was killed in a car accident. Listen, I’m in town. I really need your help.
SYLVIA
Hmm, that don’t sound like nothing I can help you with.
MONIQUE
How’s mom.
SYLVIA
Good, good. Real good. She working for free now at the hospital. They cut her hours and her rate.
MONIQUE
Look, I’m sorry that
SYLVIA
And I’m doing real good too, thanks for asking. Manolo needs to have his tonsils out but Carlos just got fired so that takes care of that.
MONIQUE
You have every right to be angry with me. I know I
SYLVIA
It’s been real nice catching up with you. Let’s do this in another five years.
MONIQUE
Please! I need your help and you’re the only person that can help.
SYLVIA
What the fuck do you want?
MONIQUE
Pick me up and I’ll tell you. Please?
SYLVIA
You know what. I’m almost tempted to do it. That way I can slap your stupid face in person.
MONIQUE
Fine, fine. Hit me all you want but please come get me.
Interior, laundromat. Monique waiting next to pay phone, when a fight erupts. Shots are fired and the area becomes a crime scene. All patrons are forced to evacuate a block away. Monique just misses Sylvia as she drives by.
MONIQUE
Sylvia, come back! Dammit!
Next day, Monique attempts to contact Sylvia again, but Sylvia refuses to answer the phone.
MONIQUE
Mama, please. I really need her help. Or yours. Someone.
MAMA
Mija, it’s been five years. You can’t just expect her to drop everything for you. Not anymore.
Interior, crowded and dilapidated office. Mark, a young paralegal distractedly looking through files on his desk.
MONIQUE
So they pretty much took his word over mine. And then my car was towed with my I.D. and credit cards and my everything. And he must have broken in while I was gone and threw away all my paperwork. He’s squatting in my house, but don’t we have laws against that kind of stuff?
MARK
Yeah, that’s interesting. So you say you’re originally from LA, but you don’t know anyone in the area?
MONIQUE
Uh, no. Not really.
MARK
Well, first step is to establish your identity. But without photo identification, that’s gonna be tricky. Anyone from your old neighborhood that might remember you? Pastor, teacher, extended family members?
MONIQUE
No, I didn’t leave on good terms with…anyone.
MARK
Hmm. Interesting. Well, like I said, you need photo id.
MONIQUE
I moved from Seattle a few days ago.
MARK
Well, there you go. Your Seattle friends and neighbors can vouch for you.
MONIQUE
No. They won’t.
MARK
Why not? You know what, doesn’t matter. Order a replacement ID and we’ll go from there.
MONIQUE
How. I’m a thousand miles away. I don’t have a house or car. No money.
MARK
Well, you could always find a job. Cash-paying job. Babysitting, waitressing, housecleaning.
MONIQUE
I’m the VP of regional sales for a nationwide pharmaceutical company. You want me to work some minimum wage, cash job? I have cash. I just can’t access it right now.
MARK
Doesn’t matter how much money you have if you can’t prove it’s yours.
MONIQUE
And what about the house? How do I get it back?
MARK
Look. First work on proving you are who you are. Then we’ll go from there.
MONIQUE
No. No, that’s bullshit. The longer we let it go, the more power he has. Squatter’s rights, or whatever.
MARK
Fine. Yeah, I’ll do some research. Start a title search.
MONIQUE
When do you want me to check back with you? Next week? How soon do you think I can get this wrapped up?
MARK
Uh, no. That’s not how it works. I’ll call you.
MONIQUE
How? Tin can and string?
MARK
Oh. OK, check back in.. yeah, a week. I might need more info from you.
INT. SHOT, NONDESCRIPT DINER
OWNER
It ain’t rocket science. You greet the customers, take their orders, and bring
’em their food. Try not to screw up too much. This a 5-star establishment, I
got a rep to maintain
MONIQUE
When do I get paid? I need cash right away.
OWNER
Sounds like a ‘you’ problem. Just don’t screw up and you might earn something.
Monique tries to balance an overloaded tray and overturns a bowl of soup on a customer. She is immediately kicked out.
EXT. SHOT, NIGHTTIME. REAR OF GROCERY STORE
A dirty Monique emerges from the dumpster, holding a few wrapped deli sandwiches.
MONIQUE
Fucking ridiculous. I wouldn’t feed this shit to my dog.
Monique sits on the curb, eating by moonlight. She pauses mid-bite, jumps up and runs down the street.
EXT. SHOT, DUMPSTER OUTSIDE THE SAME GROCERY STORE MONIQUE PREVIOUSLY SHOPPED AT.
Monique sits on the curb, surrounded by a few bags and scattered paper. She examines each page and nods sadly.
MONIQUE
I was right. He just dumped it all. But nothing in here helps me. Sure, it has
my name on it. I know that’s my name. But I can’t prove any of this is mine. Fuck.
EXT SHOT, MONIQUE’S FORMER HOME.
Monique peers through window at Mark, sipping wine at the fireplace.
-
What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of turning up the heat for the protagonist. It’s a literal make-or-break point, and the more conflict there is, the deeper the audience will be pulled in.
EXT. HOUSE – DAY
Monique is agitated, pacing up and down the driveway while police officers casually chat with Martin.
OFFICER #1
You see that game last night?
MARTIN
I mean, double overtime and they still lost? Come on!
MONIQUE
So you’re making friends with this squatter guy, and I’m over here getting arrested cuz he outright stole my house? Is that it?
OFFICER #2
Ma’am, I keep telling you. Just produce proof that you own the house and we’ll go from there.
MONIQUE
How? You won’t let me in the house to get my stuff. I know exactly where it is, in the closet of the upstairs bedroom.
OFFICER #1
No way. Absolutely not. If it’s not your house, you don’t have permission to enter.
MONIQUE
Do you understand that’s a classic catch-22 situation? I can’t prove who I am because you won’t let me-
MARTIN (sighs heavily and claps his hands once)
Officers, if I may. What if I give her permission to enter – with you accompanying her, of course, so that she can see there’s literally nothing of hers here.
MONIQUE (moving towards the door)
Yes! I remember exactly where I put my stuff.
OFFICER #2
Hold up, hold up. Sir, are you sure you want her in your house? This could backfire on you. We’ve had reports of people canvasing houses beforehand, and a few days later the house is broken into.
MARTIN
Oh, I think I’ll be fine. Once she realizes she’s in the wrong house, I predict she’ll go quietly.
OFFICER #1
Okay, if you give permission, that’s fine. But you! Don’t touch anything, and don’t try anything funny.
MONIQUE
Oh, don’t worry. The only joker and thief is this guy right here.
MARTIN slow winks at the officers as she barges through the door.
INT. HOUSE – EVENING
MONIQUE runs through the house, frantically searching for her personal possessions, becoming increasingly panicked when she finds nothing. Martin on the sofa sipping a beer as both officers watch Monique agitatedly pace.
MONIQUE
Don’t look at me like I’m crazy. I know for a fact I put both my bags in the upstairs closet, on the bottom shelf, far left. I know I did.
OFFICER #1
Then where is it? Where’s all your stuff? Your clothes and makeup and shoes and everything else that women bring with them when they move in?
MONIQUE
Obviously he tossed it all! All of it. I mean, he had time. I was gone half the day. He’s obviously been stalking me and the house.
OFFICER #2
Really. You think you’re being stalked. In this neighborhood? It’s pretty safe.
OFFICER #1
Yeah, we very rarely get called out.
MONIQUE
Ok, yes, I get it! The white folks are well protected. OK! But what about me?
OFFICER #1
Ma’am, if you’re in any way implying this is motivated by factors other than-
MARTIN
Oh, it’s a very safe neighborhood! Precisely why I chose this house.
MONIQUE
You think I’m stupid. You see a brown skinned single woman and you automatically think she doesn’t belong. Well let me tell you something, I am currently the regional VP of Sales for a major beauty company. I have 75 direct reports, and I-
OFFICER #1
That’s all fine, but why can’t you prove this is your house? Where’s all your paperwork?
MONIQUE
I know every inch of this house. I had dinner here last night, next to the two chipped bricks on the fireplace. Here’s where I scratched the paint in the stairway when I brought up my luggage.
OFFICER #2
Sounds like you’ve been casing the place.
MARTIN
I agree. It’s troubling when a perfect stranger knows your house so intimately.
MONIQUE
Enough. Enough of this shit. I’m calling my lawyer in Seattle. He can prove who I am.
MONIQUE storms out the house to the driveway but stops short. Her car is gone.
EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT
MONIQUE whirls around frantically, looking down the empty street in both ways.
MONIQUE
My car! Where’s my car?
OFFICER #1
Was it the Land rover parked illegally? Blocking the sidewalk?
MONIQUE
Yes, yes! Where is it? Did someone steal it?
OFFICER #2
Mmm, probably it got towed. The neighbors must have called it in. They’re pretty strict about people blocking the flow of traffic.
MARTIN
True. We do abide by the rules in this little community.
MONIQUE
But, but. What am I supposed to do now? All my credit cards and cash and ID. All gone. I have to call my lawyer. I need to use the phone.
Monique turns to re-enter the house, but is blocked by the two officers.
OFFICER #1
Ma’am, are you saying you have no way to prove your identity?
OFFICER #2
That’s definitely a problem. You need to vacate this property.
MONIQUE
I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving this house.
OFFICER #1
Ma’am, if you refuse to leave, we’ll be forced to arrest you for trespassing.
MONIQUE
You can’t make me leave my own property.
OFFICER #1
And you can’t prove it IS your property. Can you.
MARTIN
Sounds like you need a lawyer. Or at the very least a ride to the nearest hotel.
MONIQUE
You smug bastard. When I get done with you, you’ll be lucky to own a piece of sidewalk.
OFFICER #1
Ma’am, come with us. You can phone a friend or relative to come get you.
MONIQUE
Get your hands off me. I… I don’t have anyone in town
OFFICER #2
Well, a hotel then. Or motel.
MONIQUE
How! How do I pay for a hotel with no cash, no cards, no luggage. No nothing!
OFFICER #1
Well, if all else fails, there’s always a homeless shelter or women’s
MONIQUE
I’m. Not. Homeless. I’m the VP of Regional Sales
OFFICER #2
Yeah, yeah. We get it. Well, your highness, your chariot awaits.
Both officers force a protesting Monique into the back of the police car while Martin leans casually against the front door, smirking.
EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER – NIGHT
Officers drag Monique from car, kicking and screaming.
MONIQUE
No! No, you WILL NOT leave me here. This is for homeless people and I have a home. Multiple properties and more cash than you two retards will ever make!
OFFICER #1
Well until your chauffeur comes to pick you up, you can have your choice of rooms here.
OFFICER #2
Oh. Don’t they usually fill up quickly?
OFFICER #1
Not our problem.
MONIQUE
Wait. So you’re just gonna leave me here. Outside a homeless shelter at night with weirdos wandering around. You can’t do that to me. Please, I’m sorry. Please. I’ll go to a hotel. I don’t care which one. You can’t leave me here. Don’t go! Wait! Come back!
-
Ext. Backyard of home in 1990s suburban Seattle
Monique gesturing wildly, spilling her beer.
Monique
And then he starts pawing at my tits, just really going for it. And I’m like, whoa dude, I know they’re great but first date, you know? Come on!
Jack
That’s not how it happened. You stumbled and I was just-
Monique
Hey, who’s telling this damn story, you or me?
Jack
I was present. And sober.
Steven and Kira are clearly uncomfortable.
Monique
Fuck you. Anyways, so he damn near ripped off my shirt-
jack
No. She slipped on the sidewalk, and I was trying to help her up off-
Monique
Yah, tryin to help yourself to a handful, more like!
jack
You know what. Enough of this. I’m outta here.
Jack stalks out the backyard and Monique stumbles after him.
Monique
Hey. Hey. Don’t you fucking walk away from me. You just can’t handle the truth.
Jack
And you can’t handle your liquor. I’ll be back when you sober up.
Pursued by Monique, Jack walks into street and is hit by a car.
Monique
Jack? JACK!!
Ext. Cemetery. mourners are deliberately ignoring monique
Kira walks over and awkwardly touches Monique’s shoulder.
Kira
Stephen said tomorrow, first thing should be fine.
Monique turns to answer, but Kira has moved away.
Int. Luxurious corner office
Stephen is rapidly reading documents out loud, not making eye contact with Monique.
Stephen
…and as the primary beneficiary, you are now the sole owner and possessor of the bank accounts, sole beneficiary of life insurance policies and retirement accounts, etc. The titles to the property will be transferred free and clear. Since Jack had a trust set up, you’ll avoid probate.
Monique
OK. Stephen, I want to thank y-
Stephen flips pages rapidly and noisily.
stephen
You hold the title for the Seattle condo free and clear. The title for the California property in San Marino should be transferred by the end of the week.
Monique
The… oh, yes. Now should I..
Stephen pushes back from desk and stands, buttoning his jacket.
Stephen
You should definitely think about moving back to California. I’ll give you a couple of names. They’ll help you out.
MONIQUE
Oh. Okay, but-
Stephen stalks to the door and opens it unnecessarily wide.
Stephen
Barbara will see you out. Barb! See that her parking is validated!
Monique moves slowly to Barbara’s desk as Stephen’s door slams hard behind her.
Barbara wordlessly stamps the parking pass and hands it back to Monique, deliberately avoiding eye contact.
INT. Monique’s spacious condo
Monique stumbling around, wine glass in hand.
Monique
(incoherent on phone)
Call me back. Please. I was trying. To stop him. I was… Just call me back. Why doesn’t any wanna call me baaaack…
Int. Busy office complex, corporate level
As Monique walks purposefully down the hall, employees comically duck around corners and do about-face to avoid her.
Int. Office. Monique with two other employees.
Monique
I was thinking. About what you said. Leave of absence. Yeah. Yeah. I think… I might try that.
They nod in unison, slowly and thoughtfully.
Bill
Of course, of course. Listen, you take all the time you need. Take a year! We’ll manage.
Lisa
You could also try a change of pace. We do have offices in Chicago and Los Angeles. Change of scenery might do you good.
As Monique walks slowly back down the hall, Bill and Lisa high-five each other.
Bill
Ding, dong, the bitch is gone..
Monique slams trunk of a packed SUV and glares into the distance.
MONIQUE
Fuck it. ALL of it.
Montage of Monique dining in several upscale restaurants, drinking heavily and swiping at waitstaff.
Daytime. Exterior of upscale, well-maintained San marino house.
Monique, trying hard not to appear impressed.
Monique
I expected better, Jack’s grandparents.
Monique wanders around the empty house, beer in hand, planning an extensive update that is tacky and inappropriate.
Upscale supermarket. Monique tossing random items into her shopping cart, including several bottles of liquor.
Early morning, interior of Monique’s house. A hung-over Monique opens the door to find two serious-looking police officers.
officer #1
Ma’am, we’ve had several noise complaints for this address. Mind if we come in and talk to you for a minute.
Monique
Uh what? What noise? I was asleep until you rang my doorbell. I don’t have any kids. Or pets. Or anything that would be making noise.
Officer #1
Can we come in?
Inside, the officers make a cursory check of the house.
Officer #2
House sitting?
Monique
No, I live here. This is my house.
Officer #1
Husband around?
Monique
No.
officer #1
So, whose house is it?
MONIQUE
What? Mine. It’s my house. I own it. I already told you.
Officers glance quickly at each other.
Monique
Oh. Oh, I see. Not used to Mexicans in this part of town?
Officer #2
Look, doesn’t matter who owns it, just keep the noise down. OK?
Monique
I already told you. I was asleep. What, was I snoring too loud?
As officers leave, Monique notices neighbors peeking through their windows.
Monique
Fuck me. Damn rich, white folks. Got 911 on speed dial.
Exterior of Monique’s house. She throws a bag into her car and takes off down the street. From the POV, it’s obvious someone is watching from across the street, hiding behind a tree.
Local beach. Monique in an elaborate get-up of oversized hat and sunglasses tries to make small talk with the families around her. They do not respond.
Exterior of Monique’s house. She pulls into her driveway, but there’s a strange car parked there. She honks long and loud.
Monique (to herself)
This ain’t East LA, we don’t park in other people’s driveways!
Finally a strange man emerges. Caucasian, mid-30s, with a slightly puzzled look.
MARTIN
Can I help you? Need directions?
MONIQUE
No, I need you to get out my driveway. Wait, how did you get into my house?
MARTIN
Sorry, your house? You really are lost.
Monique bursts out her car, finger raised.
MONIQUE
No, you need to GET lost. I don’t know how you got in, but you gotta get out my house!
Chaos ensues. Martin is calm and contained in the face of Monique’s escalating anger.
Monique
You know what, that’s it. I’m done with this shit. Calling the cops!
As Monique walks back to her car, a police cruiser pulls up. Monique is aware of the neighbors standing around, gawking.
MARTIN
Officers, if I may. The lady is confused. She is claiming this is her house, but I assure you it belongs to me. I have the
Monique
You got nothing!
The officers are dispassionate, and direct most of the conversation to Martin.
Officer #1
Sir, I assume you can prove this is your house.
MARTIN
Absolutely, officer. Here’s my ID with the current address. I just moved in, so I’m pretty sure I know where my paperwork is.
Monique
I don’t care what paperwork you have, this is my house and I can prove it.
Officer #2
How about we all go inside and resolve this issue.
Monique
No, I don’t want him in my house.
MARTIN
Absolutely, officers. May I offer you some water?
One hour later. Monique is pacing the floor, agitated, while Jack is sitting on the couch, sipping a beer.
Officer #1
So just produce a valid photo ID with this address.
moNIQUE
I keep telling you! I just moved to the area and I haven’t been to the DMV yet.
OfFICER #2
Okay, well any kind of paperwork that lists you as the owner.
Monique
I– He must have broke into the house while I was away and tossed all my paperwork!
Officer #1
Lady, I don’t know what paperwork you have, but these papers here list the owner of this house as Martin Macullum.
Officer #2
Look, there’s nothing of yours here. It’s all his furniture, his food, his dog. Are you sure you didn’t just go to the wrong house?
MARTIN
Officer, I’m sure this can be cleared up with a simple visit to the Hall of Records.
Monique
No. No, no no! I am the only owner. I don’t know who this is. Don’t know what he did to my stuff. I’m telling you.
Officer #2
Well, it ain’t gonna get cleared up tonight. Come down to the precinct with your paperwork and we’ll go from there.
Monique
What? Why? Why do I have to prove I’m the owner?
Officer #1
Because possession is nine-tenths of the law. If the house is yours, then he’ll be considered a squatter. Either way, I suggest you get yourself a good lawyer.
Monique
But I don’t know anyone here. All my business contacts are in Seattle.
MARTIN
Officers, would it be permissible to offer the lady a room for the night?
Officer #1
No. Absolutely not. That would muddy the waters. She could claim tenancy.
Monique
Fucking. Ridiculous. I’m the victim and you’re concerned with protecting him.
Officers escort Monique to the door as she resists.
OfFICER #2
Hey man, you look familiar. How long you been living here?
MARTIN
Coupla months now. Moved back after my grandparents passed. Good to be back in town.
OfFICER #1
I knew I recognized you. Running back? San Marino High School?
Jack
Yes, yes. That was a while back.
Monique
Quit the fucking family reunion. What are we gonna do about this guy?
Officer #2
Like I said. You’ll have to bring your paperwork down to the precinct.
Monique
This is ridiculous! You see a Hispanic woman who doesn’t look like she belongs in the neighborhood, and you’re just gonna give away my house.
Officer #1
No, what I see is a woman who can’t prove she is who she is. And he can cause he has the paperwork.
Officer #2
Come. Down. To the precinct.
MARTIN
Officers, thank you so much. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Monique
Oh, you will be sorry when I get done.
MARTIN
Have a nice night, now.
Outside, Monique panics. Her car has been towed.
Monique
My car! My purse and all my things!
Officer #1
Oh, you were probably blocking the sidewalk. Folks are pretty strict around here about that sort of thing.
MoNIQUE
What am I supposed to do now? Where do I go? You pretty much gave away my house right from under me.
OFFICER #1
There is a woman’s shelter across town. We’ll take you there.
MONIQUe
That’s for homeless people. I have a house. You just kicked me out of it.
Officer #2
Ma’am, may I remind you at this point you’re trespassing. We could take you in.
Officer #1
If the house is really yours, get yourself a good lawyer.
Monique
HOW? My car is gone with my purse and my stuff. He threw away all my bags and boxes. How do I prove I am who I am?
OFFICER #1
Like I said. Get yourself a good lawyer. We can give you a ride anywhere you want.
Monique
No. I’m not leaving. I’m not just gonna give up my house and leave cause some random guy says it’s his.
-
ACT 1 OUTLINE
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – DAY
At a backyard gathering, Monique harasses her husband to the point he angrily walks away and is run over and killed by a car.
EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
After being shunned by friends and coworkers, Monique realizes she needs to start a new life somewhere else.
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – DAY
BEGINNING: Monique is drunk and belligerent, and attempting to recount an incident. Steven keeps correcting her, and she keeps sniping at him.
MIDDLE: Steven is getting increasingly angry at Monique’s behavior, and his friends are visibly uncomfortable. Monique is oblivious.
END: After one final insensitive comment from Monique, Steven stalks out the backyard and is killed by a passing car.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – DAY
BEGINNING: Monique immediately antagonizes her new neighbors with her insensitive comments, and it is clear they don’t believe she belongs in the neighborhood.
MIDDLE: Monique returns home to find a squatter in her house, and immediately calls the police, who are clearly suspicious of her claims.
END: The policemen don’t believe she’s the owner, since she doesn’t have any paperwork or identification. She is removed from the property, and threatened with arrest if she harasses the legal owner.
-
ACT 2 BEAT SHEET
EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
Monique is shunned by her friends and coworkers, and is effectively run out of town.
EXT. LIQUOR STORE – NIGHT
Monique goes on a liquor run and overhears former friends trashing her. She decides to leave town.
ACT 2 OUTLINE
EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
BEGINNING: Monique stumbles out the car, acting like a stereotypical grieving widow. She is wearing full black, a hat with veil, and sobbing dramatically into a handkerchief.
MIDDLE: Monique turns to Kira and attempts to lean on her for support, but Kira quickly turns away.
END: Monique is left alone at the graveside. No one attempts to comfort her.
EXT. LIQUOR STORE – NIGHT
BEGINNING: Monique stumbles around the store, accidentally breaking a bottle.
MIDDLE: The store clerk disgustedly starts cleaning up as Monique arrogantly tosses a few bills at him.
END: Monique looks up to see a few former friends and coworkers openly laughing at her. She has a rare moment of self-awareness, and realizes she has to leave town and turn over a new leaf.
ACT 3 BEAT SHEET
INT. HOUSE – DAY
Monique arrives at her house in San Clemente, and tries to settle in, but is confronted by a squatter.
BEGINNING: Monique struts around her new house, planning an over-the-top remodel. She immediately gets off on the wrong foot with her new neighbors.
MIDDLE: Coming back home, Monique is confronted with an unfamiliar car blocking her driveway, and a stranger who claims the house is his.
END: The police are called, and when Monique can’t
prove her identity, she is arrested and charged with trespassing. -
OPENING SCENE BEAT SHEET
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – DAY
OPENING: Monique harasses her husband to the point he walks into traffic and is hit and killed by a car.
OPENING SCENE OUTLINE
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – DAY
BEGINNING: Monique swigs from a bottle and is loud and belligerent.
MIDDLE: Her friends Kira and Mark are embarrassed and uncomfortable with her behavior. Her husband is increasingly upset by his wife’s actions.
END: A fed-up Steven angrily stalks from the backyard out into the street. He doesn’t notice an oncoming car and is hit and killed instantly.
SECOND SCENE BEAT SHEET
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Monique is effectively run out of town.
SECOND SCENE OUTLINE
INT. OFFICE – DAY
BEGINNING: A hesitant Monique listens as Mark, her estate lawyer, outlines the details of her living trust.
MIDDLE: Mark is abrupt and cold, matter-of-factly listing all the specifics and talking over Monique when she tries to interject.
END: Mark’s secretary opens the door wide for Monique and doesn’t make eye contact. As Monique steps through the doorway, the door slams behind her.
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Antagonist Journey – Fair Market Value
1990s Southern California.
EXT. HOME – DAY
Steve Lawson scopes out Monique’s property as she leaves for the day, then breaks in. He quickly calls a locksmith to change the locks, quickly removes all of Monique’s personal things, and tosses them in a dumpster a few blocks away. He then brings in various personal items to make it seem like he lives there.
EXT. HOME – DAY
Monique returns home and finds him in her home. She calls the police and when interrogated by them, Steve is able to produce a photo ID and documentation that he is the owner of the property.
EXT HOME – NIGHT
Monique has been forcibly removed by the police, who don’t believe her story. She returns to her house and bangs on the door, yelling out at him and insists he’s a squatter, he remains calm and undisturbed. His composed manner impresses the police, and they immediately assume that because Monique is Hispanic, she doesn’t belong in the neighborhood.
INT HOME – DAY
Through a series of phone calls, Steve reveals he has a network of associates who help him create fake identities and falsify paperwork to help him steal the titles of various properties. He starts making arrangements to steal another property in Pasadena.
INT COURTHOUSE – DAY
Monique tries to do a title search on her house to find out the squatter’s name, but she is rudely rebuffed by the clerk who assumes she is homeless. When Monique leaves, the clerk runs out the building and places a panicked call at a nearby payphone.
INT HOME – DAY
The police officer who originally responded to Monique’s 911 call
is doing a routine patrol when he spots Steve at a vacant house.
While the officer is initially suspicious, Steve is able to distract him
by discussing a recent football game.
EXT HOME – DAY
Monique peeks through the window of her former home, and sees
Steve talking to someone. Monique patiently waits until she sees
the woman’s face, and is shocked to recognize the clerk from the
Records Office.
INT OFFICE – DAY
An emotional Monique is trying to plead her case at the police
station, but is met with disbelief, dismissal and outright hostility.
She is warned that if she tries to pursue her case, she will be
jailed for harassing an innocent citizen.
EXT HOME – DAY
Monique aggressively confronts Steve, who informs her that he
has filed a restraining order against her. She doubles down in her
accusations, but it is clear she is up against unsurmountable
odds.
INT HOME – DAY
While Monique holds a series of exploitative jobs that pay very
little, Steve coolly starts arranging for the sale of the house, and
sets his target on another vacant property.
INT HOME – NIGHT
While working as a caretaker for an elderly man, Monique
systematically builds her case against Steve.
EXT HOME – DAY
A stunned Steve is arrested on charges of identity theft.
INT COURTHOUSE – DAY
During the trial, he is charming and charismatic, and manages to
have his sentenced reduced to six months.
EXT COURTHOUSE – DAY
Six months later, Steve is released from jail, but is promptly shot
dead on the sidewalk by Monique.
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EXT. HOUSE – EVENING
OPENING: Monique harasses her husband to the point he walks into traffic and is hit and killed by a car.
INT. OFFICE – MORNING
TE 1: Monique realizes she is being shunned by her coworkers and husband’s friends.
INT. BEDROOM — DAY
A drunk Monique impulsively decides to move to Southern California and start her life over.
EXT. HOUSE – DAY
INCITING INCIDENT: Monique returns from a day at the beach to find her house is occupied by a squatter. The police don’t believe her claims that the house is hers, and when she is unable to provide documents supporting her story, she is forcibly removed from the property.
EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER – NIGHT
Homeless and penniless, a defiant Monique refuses to accept help from the shelter, and instead sleeps on the steps of a nearby church.
INT. LEGAL AID OFFICE – DAY
A furious Monique demands that her overworked caseworker drop everything and attend to her case. He flatly refuses, and bluntly states that he doesn’t believe her.
PLACEHOLDER
Monique takes a series of low-paying, cash only jobs in an effort to support herself. Meanwhile, she continues pounding on doors, trying to find a lawyer who will take her case.
EXT. BUS STOP – NIGHT
Monique is an innocent bystander in a vicious altercation, and is knocked unconscious. She is taken to the hospital, and when she regains consciousness, she experiences a rare act of mercy from a stranger – the nurse tells her of a few places that may be able to help her.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
A passionate Monique outlines for her new lawyer exactly how the scammer is able to get away with property theft – he creates a series of fake identities based on a 1940s baseball lineup.
EXT. PAYPHONE – DAY
Kira, a former friend of Monique’s husband reluctantly agrees to help her prove her identity. Kira is clearly surprised by Monique’s change in personality.
INT. HOUSE- DAYTIME
Monique is released to the care of her mom and sister who grudgingly take
her in and make room for her in their crowded East LA house. All three air
their grievances with each other, but nothing is resolved.
EXT. HOUSE – NIGHTTIME
Monique’s former house – She can’t resist returning to the house, and through the window spots a woman with a gap between her teeth, who looks vaguely familiar. She realizes it’s the clerk from the Hall of Records.
INT. OFFICE – DAYTIME
Tony’s office. When she tells Tony this new information, he is skeptical that she would be involved, since that would mean a widespread network of corruption.
INT. COURTHOUSE – DAYTIME
Monique gives a passionate account of how the scammer stole her property, but is stunned when he only receives a slap on the wrist.
EXT. COURTHOUSE – DAYTIME
LA Courthouse, 6 months later. Monique watches as Martin is released from jail. As he stands on the sidewalk, Monique approaches, introduces herself and shots him between the eyes, relishing the recognition in his eyes.
INT COURTHOUSE – DAYTIME
Monique is sentenced to 10 years for manslaughter, but is granted compassionate release since she has tested positive for AIDS.
EXT. CEMETERY – DAYTIME
At her graveside, Monique’s sister, mom, and former friend Kira all make a few stilted remarks about how special she was. Kira notes how incredible it was for Monique to turn her former home into a hospice.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that main characters sometimes need to hit rock bottom before they can start their journey of self-discovery.
OLD WAYS
Monique moves to Southern California and continues with her brash behavior and irresponsible drinking.
Arrogant and rude with waitstaff in restaurants
Overrides all suggestions and advice from friends and coworkers
Refuses to concede even when it’s clear she’s wrong.NEW WAYS
Slowly realizes her situation is more complex than she was willing to admit.
Becomes more thoughtful and less prone to outbursts.
In going sober, she’s less aggressive and more reflective.
Realizes she’s the only one fighting for her identity.Initial list for Monique.
Understands she has to stop drinking.
Needs to prove her identity, and claim her property.
Embarks on a mission to prove the scammer is involved in an ongoing series of property thefts.Transformational events of Fair Market Value
After being shunned by her husband’s friends and coworkers in Seattle, she moves to Southern California, where she realizes she still doesn’t fit in.
After being taken for a homeless person, she realizes that the odds are stacked against her.
Monique takes a series of low-paying jobs that humble her, but also makes her even more determined to build back her life.
Sobriety brings clarity and a renewed sense of purpose. -
What I learned is: the importance of planning scenes and pacing the plot to achieve balance and keep the audience engaged.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Fair Market Value
Concept: After being left homeless and powerless by a scammer who stole her house, Monique Stevenson learns to navigate the legal world to win back her identity and send a powerful lesson to the scammer.
Main Conflict: Monique is up against seemingly insurmountable odds – a young Latina woman doesn’t seem plausible as the owner of a luxurious Southern California estate, so no one believes her when she claims the title to her house was stolen. At every turn she finds cold shoulders, deaf ears, and closed doors
Monique Old Ways:
Old Identity: Aggressive and abrasive drunk who doesn’t mince words.Sees everyone as her opponent.Covers her insecurity with bluster and bravado.
Monique NEW Ways:
New Identity: a kinder, gentler Monica who doesn’t drink or pick fights.Returns to her roots and rediscovers the strength that allowed her to leave in the first place.Starts reconnecting with her family and finds a softer side of her character.
2. Act 1: 25 to 30 pages — Set up and see Old Ways.
Opening: Monique is sitting in the backyard of a suburban Seattle house. She is very drunk and is being aggressive and belligerent towards her husband and their two friends.
Inciting Incident: Monique finally pushes her husband too far, and he stalks out of the backyard, into the path of an oncoming car. He is killed instantly.
Turning Point 1: An oblivious Monique comes to the slow realization that her friends and coworkers believe she is to blame for her husband’s death.
3. Act 2: 20 to 30 pages — Challenge the Old Ways.
Reaction: Feeling shunned by her friends and coworkers, Monique packs up her life and heads to Southern California, and the house her husband left for her.
The Plan: Monique plans to take some time off and enjoy life – on her own terms. She plans an elaborate and tacky remodel for the house.
Turning Point 2: Plans come to a screeching halt when she returns home to discover a stranger who claims her house is actually his – worse, the police believe him! He seems to have all his paperwork in order, and she is forced to retreat to a homeless shelter.
New plan: Monique needs to prove her identity – and she needs the help of her estranged friends and family. She realizes she has no one to help her, so she has to rely on her brains and courage.
4. Act 3: 20 to 30 pages — With Midpoint change, Profound moments that give us new ways.
New Plan: Lawyers, policemen and real estate agents are no help. By chance, Monique discovers the scammer has several accomplices.
Turning Point 3: She sets out to methodically build a case against her enemy – and discovers a newfound patience and meekness. She is willing to go with the flow and follow all the rules if it means a chance at reclaiming her identity and property.
5. Act 4: 25 pages — Test the change in this character! Prove New Ways!
Climax: The Courtroom fight. Monique and her lawyer present all the evidence she’s unearthed. The scammer has created a series of identities and shell corporations to steal several properties. He attempts to charm his way out of a jail sentence and is successful. He receives a two-year parole, and Monique’s property and identity is restored.
Resolution: On the courtroom steps, Monique approaches the scammer, makes meaningful eye contact and shoots him directly in the heart. She is arrested and jailed but gains compassionate release. She retreats to her home which she has turned into a hospice care center. Her mother and sister are with her when she passes from complications related to AIDS.
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What I learned is both my protagonists and antagonists are very much alike – they’re the flip side of the same coin – cunning, slick, manipulative. In a different world they might almost be a couple…
QUESTIONS FOR YOUR PROTAGONIST
My name is Monique Stevenson, but my birth name is Monica Isabelle Mendoza.I am a strong warrior woman, and I’m used to being the underdog. I’m a fighter by nature, and once I make up my mind, there’s nothing I can’t do. I was born in East LA and brought up by a single mom. But I’m strong. I’m smart. I earned a scholarship to a private school, paid my way through college, and fought my way up the corporate ladder to become the youngest, and first Latina VP of Regional Sales. There is nothing I can’t do.The scammer is a young white male who’s probably used to getting his way. I’m guessing he’s never been up against a determined Latina.I’m currently homeless, since the scammer convinced the police that my house was his. I have to really outsmart him, and do my own investigation because no lawyer is willing to take my case. Everyone thinks I’m delusional, but I’ll show them.I have to stop the drinking and aggressive behavior, because it’s not helping me make friends or gain supporters.It’s a man’s world. Even in 1990s Los Angeles.I’m a survivor, and I know how to read people. I have to beat this guy at his own game.I have tremendous guilt about the way my husband died. I’m afraid I nagged him to death. If I hadn’t been drinking and angry, he wouldn’t have walked away from me and into the path of that speeding car. That’s why I needed to get away from Seattle. My husband’s friends all thought I was to blame for his death. So I packed up my life and moved back to LA; never thought I’d be back – too many bad memories. But it was different – at first. Beautiful new house that my husband left me. I was finally living the life I’d envisioned for me. Until a fast-talking scammer talked the police into thinking the house was his. Now I’m homeless, jobless – but not powerless.
QUESTIONS FOR YOUR ANTAGONIST
Listen, I haven’t had an easy life. Abusive stepfather, drunk mother. All I had were my brains – well, and my good looks.I’ve always been a fast talker, and I’ve always been able to convince people that I’m right. Guess I just have that kind of face.I don’t really get pushback when dealing with females. That Monique person – she’s gonna be trouble. She looked me right in the face and tried to stare me down. That doesn’t usually happen. And she’s a fighter. This is gonna be fun, twisting the knife in her.It’s a prime piece of real estate. Maybe I’ll keep it, maybe I’ll wait for prices to climb higher – LA home prices, right?Look, I got nothing against that woman. I just don’t like losing, that’s all – especially to a girl. I don’t need people looking into my past – just because I grew up dirt poor doesn’t mean I don’t deserve nice things! I just need enough money to retire when I’m 40 – that’s the goal I set for myself. I got a nice spot down south in Baja – fishing’s nice down there. I just need to do a couple more title changes, wait a couple months and then sell – and then I’m set. Like I said – nothing personal.
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Monique’s Character Profile Part 2
What I learned doing this assignment is that not all characters will be – or should be – likeable. When the audience roots for a protagonist, it’s usually because they’re drawn to a similar character trait that they share. With Monique, what attracts the audience is the injustice that she’s been dealt, and we admire the strength of character that makes her push through to see justice served.
Monique is an underdog, but yet the audience doesn’t immediately feel drawn to her. She is an angry, functioning alcoholic who is brash and abrasive, and is mentally abusive towards her husband. She is insecure and suffers from imposter syndrome. She is a fish out of water, and constantly lashes out when threatened. When her house and identity is stolen, she is immediately antagonistic, demanding help from everyone, and is astounded when no one seems to care.
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Hi all, I have written 0 screenplays so far, but that number will change in 30 days! I have completed 2 novels (unpublished as yet), but I’ve always been a little intimidated by the screenplay format. I’m hoping to overcome my fear of sluglines and parentheticals.
I’m looking forward to learning with y’all!
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I agree to the terms of this release form. Michelle Patnett
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Ext. BUS STOP – EVENING
Monique is one of several bystanders accidentally caught in a knife fight. She is knocked unconscious and taken to the hospital.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAYTIME
Nurse notes vital signs as Monique stares out the window.
NURSE
Doctor says you can go home today.
Monique turns her head and wipes her face.
NURSE
Mmm. Family at home must be worried about you.
MONIQUE
No family. No home.
Nurse stares at her, then walks out.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – EVENING
As Monique is getting ready to leave, the Nurse reappears and hands her a booklet.
NURSE
This place might be able to help you. Give them a call. Today.
Monique stares at the booklet.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING – EVENING
Monique hesitantly steps into the lawyer’s office and sits quietly while he finishes his phone call.
MARK
Well, we’re making progress. This thing’s a lot bigger than we thought.
MONIQUE
We…
MARK
Yes. Well. You have to admit it did sound far-fetched when you first approached me. But that’s alright. Might take some time to untangle all the knots, but we’ll get him in the end. And his little girlfriend, too.
MARK laughs, but Monique stares at the floor.
MARK
What’s wrong?
MONIQUE
How long. Until we wrap this up.
MARK
Yeah. I don’t know. We’re still uncovering major shit. It’s gonna take a while.
MONIQUE
I don’t have much time.
MARK
I know, I know. It’s hard being locked out of your house and not having any money
MONIQUE
And not having an identity. A friend to call. A soft place to land. Yeah. You have no idea.
MARK
Listen. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
Monique laughs hysterically and starts to cry.
MARK
But for what it’s worth I think you’ve handled it really well.
MONIQUE
Oh, I know I have. Not many people in my position…
Monique abruptly stands and walks out the office. At the crowded bus stop, she leans against a wall and silently cries.
EXT. PUBLIC PARK – EVENING
Monique stands behind a tree and watches a little boy play catch with his dad. Her sister Sylvia approaches the pair, and Monique steps away before she is seen.
INT. HOME – DAYTIME
Monique silently places a plate of food in front of Mr. Martin. As she moves away, he grabs her butt. She doesn’t respond or react.
INT. HOME – NIGHTTIME
KIRA
Monique, it’s a little late to be calling.
MONIQUE
Yes, I know. Just wanted to check in with you, and see how things are going.
KIRA
Fine. Things are well.
Beat
KIRA (cont’d)
And you? Did you figure out that little trouble you were having?
MONIQUE
Yeah, yeah. It’s being finalized as we speak.
KIRA
Well good. Was there anything else?
MONIQUE
I just.. wanted to apologize to you and Steven for my behavior. Over the past few years. I know I wasn’t always the best person, but I want you to know that I am truly sorry for the way I acted.
KIRA
Monique, these little weekly telephone calls are getting to be a bit much. Why don’t we cut it down to – say – once a month? That way we can
MONIQUE
No. No I need to hear your voice. I don’t think you realize how much…. It’s like you’re the one consistency…
KIRA
Monique, it’s lovely that you feel that way, but in all honesty it’s a bit one-sided.
MONIQUE
Oh. I see. I guess I should have expected that.
Monique quietly hangs up the phone and sits silently.
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Monica’s transformational journey
What I learned doing this assignment is the power of self-confidence and the important of relying on yourself.
In early 90s Southern California, a young widow battles misogyny and racial barriers to reclaim her house and identity from a squatter.
Internal Journey: Monica’s quest is to reconnect with her family and learn how to navigate her new reality with maturity and wise decisions.
External Journey: As Monica battles indifferent officials and an uncaring world, she realizes her only hope to reclaiming her house and identity is through her own power and self-conviction.
Old Ways: Drinking, swearing, hostility, anger, belligerence.
New Ways: Sobriety, thoughtfulness, reflection, forbearance, thinking through a decision before acting on it.