[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s Character Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is I can overlook some obvious emotions that AI will pick up on.

ASSIGNMENT 1: Example Show

The Americans

Philip Jennings PROFILE

<ul type=”disc”>

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s Intriguing Character Layers

What I learned is this is a good exercise to flesh out the layers I will need in my main characters to sustain multiple seasons. In this case AI didn’t add much to what I brainstormed. Is that a good thing? Or is this too much in the box?

ASSIGNMENT 1:

The Americans

Elizabeth and Philip create intrigue because their hidden agenda is to provide information and do the bidding of the Russian undercover spy agency. They pretend to be travel agents in front of their family and neighbors, but they are deadly operatives who will modify their orders to keep their identities safe. This is particularly true of Philip whereas Elizabeth is much more by the book he is becoming more American in his thinking. When Reagan is shot and it looks like Al Hague may be trigger happy with the nuclear codes Philip withholds that info from Moscow to prevent WWIII which puts his family at risk.

ASSIGNMENT 2

1. For your Inner Circle characters, fill in any of the Intrigue items that apply.

· Character Name: Hercules Thomas

· Role: Hercules: A tech entrepreneur who suffered a stroke and was forced to sell his business

· Hidden agendas: to prove his worth by becoming a culinary expert, to surpass Esther, to show he’s still got the Midas touch

· Competition: for power over Esther, other food truck owners, his former partner

· Conspiracies: with old cronies. Non-organic farmers (he thinks the organic farm produce route is a loser so he secretly subs in nonorganic) and secretly uses outside restaurant recipe developers

· Secrets: he is sabotaging Esther, he lost all their money in bit coin before his stroke, the buyout is face-saving, he is more becoming physically capable than anyone knows

· Deception: Esther, towns people

· Wound: he was about to lose his company anyway

· Secret Identity: one shot wonder

Esther Thomas

<ul type=”disc”>

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s Engaging Main Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is how difficult it is to develop all of this character work up front from scratch rather than developing it organically during plot development but AI really speeds up the process.

Assignment 1

The Americans

A. Role in the show:

<ul type=”disc”>

[Laurie Stoner]

ASSIGNMENT 1:

The Americans

A. Main Characters Circle: Phillip and Elizabeth Jennings, Stan Beeman

B. Connected Circle: Paige and Henry Jennings, Sandra Beeman, Nina Sergeevna, Chris Amador (FBI), Frank Amador (FBI), Russian Spy Leader, Secretary of State

C. Environment Circle: FBI Agents, Neighbors, Spy Targets, teachers, friends

<hr size=”1″ width=”100%” align=”center”>

ASSIGNMENT 2:

Laurie’s Three Circles of Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is how using AI for character development can jump start character creation and flesh out my sub world in very little time, but it’s far from “out of the box” at this point.

1. Create the three circles of characters for your show.

<ul type=”disc”>

[Laurie Stoner]

The Americans 5 Star Model

What I learned is how to identify the 5 star model components in a successful binge worthy tv shows

Big Picture Hooks
The Americans: Young parents with 2 kids appear to be living a normal American life style are actually highly active undercover Russian agents.

Amazing and Intriguing Character
Elisabeth and Philip Jennings possess master hand to hand combat and secret agent skills who appear to also be good parents and neighbors.

Empathy / Distress
Elisabeth and Philip Jennings are dedicated parents who are torn in their loyalty to their family versus their loyal to their motherland who take huge risks to keep both happy. Elizabeth was raped during her training at the academy and still has anger issues. Philip wants a better life for the family and is on the brink of defecting when he kills the defector who raped Elizabeth.

Layers / Open Loops

Will the Jennings escape discovery when an FBI counterintelligence agent moves in across the street? Will the Russians find out that the Russian defector they murdered was the man who raped Elizabeth?

Inviting
Obsession
How will this family stay undetected? Will the supposedly fake couple fall in love with one another for real?

[Laurie Stoner]

Hi, my name is Laurie Stoner. I’ve written at least 15 feature scripts and lots of shorts. I’ve been a writer, director, and producer for a community film group plus a moderator of several screen group for over 20 years. I mostly writer stage plays now but I still do a bit of development so I am curious about how this new technology will help writers get up to speed in less time.

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie Stoner

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s 3 Gradients of Change

What I learned doing this assignment is to search for the key pieces that will form the border of the puzzle the audience will see.

Forced Change Gradient

A. Emotion – Denial

B. Action – McGill won’t believe he was poisoned so he demands another explanation for his symptoms.

C. Challenge/weakness – he is faced with a serious health crisis that could end his life and expects his wealth to save him. Weakness: Grandiosity, sense of entitlement

D. Emotion – Anger

E. Action – He bullies the doctors, he calls in the CIA and blames foreign actors as well as the people around him.

F. Challenge/weakness – his doctor tells him the truth, there is no cure, and challenges him to answer the question of what he considers a well-lived life. The CIA stalls him knowing he has immense pull but will die soon. He threatens everyone with retaliation until he’s utterly alone. Weakness – bullying

G. Emotion – Bargaining

H. Action – he turns his business upside down to get a list of all entities that may have wanted to harm him so he can buy them off or force them into providing an antidote or at least an explanation. He can’t die without knowing the truth.

I. Challenge/weakness – self-centered and bullying but terrified.

J. Emotion – Depression

K. Action – He checks into the hospital to die. He is given the list of people he’s injured and sets up meetings to see them in person so they will acknowledge they didn’t poison him.

L. Challenge/weakness – self-pity

M. Emotion – Acceptance

N. Action – people on the list tell him how he hurt them and although the money is nice they don’t think better of him because he isn’t sorry. He confesses to his daughter that he needs to see people again and ask for forgiveness.

O. Challenge/weakness – he accepts that he’s dying and his daughter confesses her role. He forgives her. He donates the money he has left with no strings attached to Doctors Without Borders. He answers the question for the doctor who asked him his definition of a well-lived life – and dies peacefully.

[Laurie Stoner]

Assignment Day 4A

Laurie’s Lead Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is to keep brainstorming the key components and they will flesh out more fully as I go along.

Logline: A self-made billionaire, convinced he only has two weeks to live, gives everyone he’s every harmed ten million dollars, only to learn forgiveness can’t be bought.

Change Agent: Dr. Marjory Green M.D. who tries to save Thomas McGill’s life. When she delivers the bad news that he has less than a month to live, she asks him to ponder this question. “What is your definition of a life well-lived?” He will keep coming back to her to narrate what’s he’s done and she will always reply, “That’s a good start. Dig deeper.”

Transformable Character – Thomas McGill who was smart enough to take a simple idea/product and turn it into a global empire but in the process alienated his wife, children, and business partners as well as the people who use/consume his product – TBD.

The Oppression – the marketplace dynamics, his competitors, Wall Street. It’s dog eat dog and if he doesn’t stay top dog he will be devoured by the pack.

Betraying Character – His business partner, COO, manipulated McGill’s daughter into poisoning her father. She thinks she’s saving him but the business partner thought McGill was going to clean house.

[Laurie Stoner]

Assignment Day 4

Laurie’s Lead Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is I don’t feel inspired by my concept but I’ll work through the assignments and then come up with a better one.

Logline: A greedy self-made billionaire convinced he only has two weeks to live gives everyone he’s every harmed ten million dollars, learns forgiveness can’t be bought.

Change Agent: Wholistic Doctor who looks for the good and wellness of the entire planet and its occupants.

Transformable Character: Self-made billionaire who rationalized that every move he took that was good for him was good for the world.

The Oppression: A not do distant future in which money connotes power and where tyranny and might rule the day.

Betraying character: Billionaire’s teenage daughter who believes her dad should be taught a lesson about sharing the wealth doesn’t realize until it’s too late that she has signed his death warrant.

Reworked:

Old ways – excelling, driven, image-conscious, deceitful, and greedy.

New Ways – honest, philanthropic, generous, inclusive

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s Transformational Jounrey

What I learned doing the assignment is how the new ways to old ways clearly defines a transformational journey beyond what I used to put in a “normal” logline.

I just ditched what I was going to write so I’m tossing this one out, which is clearly far from profound, but a WIP.

Concept: A greedy dotcom billionaire convinced he only has two weeks to live gives everyone he’s every harmed a ten million dollars, learns forgiveness can’t be bought.

Old ways – excelling, driven, image-conscious, deceitful, and greedy.

New Ways – accepting, zen, honest, philanthropic

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s First Three Decisions

What I learned doing this assignment is how fluid my decisions are at this juncture.

1.What is the profound truth?

We can only change ourselves.

Beneath that: To change the world we must change ourselves first.

2. What is the change my movie will cause in the audience?

The audience will stop trying to influence people with money and power and make changes in their own behavior.

3. What is the entertainment vehicle the I will tell this story through? Business or politics

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s Analysis of Groundhog Day

What I learned is to look beyond the entertainment value of a movie for the meaning beneath the surface.

1. Phil’s change is from living a jaded and self-serving life to living one that is hopeful, grateful, and giving. The transformational journey is from reliving the same day over and over again while incrementally learning and adapting from his mistakes until he discovers the true meaning of happiness is serving others.

2. Lead characters: Rita is the Change Agent. She demonstrates how to be upbeat, present in the moment, and grateful for each day. She is the right character because Phil is attracted to her and realizes that she will not lower her standards for him so he must change to win her love. Phil is the transformable character because he is jaded, self-centered, grandiose, and basically a complete curmudgeon at the beginning of the film. The Oppression comes from the town of Punxsutawney, PA and the need for Phil to relive Groundhog Day over and over again.

3. We are lured in by the mystery of what caused Phil to be stuck, and by how he will react and change over time every to having to relive the same day.

4. The old way of living is jaded, downbeat, and self-serving. The new way is giving, hopeful, and focused on the well-being of other people.

5. The gradient of change is very incremental and over a long period of time. Phil dies and is constantly reborn and given a new opportunity to get it right.

6. The old way is challenged because Rita rejects Phil’s self-serving advances toward her until he learns that she will come to him when he lives and admirable, humble life.

7. The most profound moments of the movie are when Phil tries to help others, for example instead of passing the homeless man, he buys him a meal and tries to save his life. Also, when Phil puts in the effort to learn how to play the piano and it really pays off.

8. The most profound lines are those that show Phil’s change. For example, to Rita who has fallen asleep: I think you’re the kindest, sweetest, prettiest person I’ve ever met in my life. I’ve never seen anyone that’s nicer to people than you are. The first time I saw you… something happened to me. I never told you but… I knew that I wanted to hold you as hard as I could. I don’t deserve someone like you. But if I ever could, I swear I would love you for the rest of my life.” And when Phil finally gets how important Groundhog Day is to people “When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn’t imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter. From Punxsutawney, it’s Phil Connors. So long.”

9. The ending shows a completely transformed Phil who is happy because he has made others happy.

10. The Profound Truth of this movie is “We will find happiness when our purpose in life is to serve others.” Unlike Phil, we won’t get thousands of chances, and we only have one life to live, so get it right!

[Laurie Stoner]

I, Laurie Stoner, agree as a member of this group to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Laurie Stoner]

Hi Everyone, I’m Laurie Stoner from Atlanta, Georgia. I have written over 20 scripts. In the past five years I have veered into producing and developing scripts for the stage and TV.

When my enthusiasm for a project flags, I take one of Hal’s classes to give myself a boost. (I think I took the first class from him in 2007.) I’ve been going to take this class since it came out and now I finally have.

Writing is a solitary activity, and I’m also a gardening hobbyist, but the thing I enjoy the most is problem solving so I’ve been moderating screenwriting groups and nonprofits for 15 years.

Cheers,

Laurie

[Laurie Stoner]

Logline: A simple sale between a squaw and a shopkeeper goes terribly wrong.

Essence: Philip is so ashamed of being a half breed that he will sell out his own mother.

EXT./INT. REAR OF GENERAL STORE (CIRCA 1840) – DAY

BRANDY, (mid 40’s), drab gingham belted shirt over buckskin leggings, long braided hair, totes a large leather sack through the back door into the storeroom where JESSIE, (20’s) is unpacking a crate of can goods.

BRANDY

Is Philip here?

JESSIE

I’ll get him.

Jessie leaves the storeroom.

INT. GENERAL STORE – DAY

PHILIP PARKER, (late 20’s), shop keeper, white shirt with banded sleeves, finishes loading up a crate of goods for a WOMAN CUSTOMER.

PHILIP

Have a nice day, ma’am.

JESSIE

You know who is in back.

PHILIP

Okay, you know what to do.

INT. STOREROOM – DAY

Philip walks in, stops. He and Brandy stare at one another.

PHILIP

I didn’t expect to see you so soon.

BRANDY

Spring is early this year. I wanted to see you one last time.

PHILIP

You’re leaving for good?

BRANDY

My people need me. I am their shaman.

PHILIP

And you need money? Blankets don’t sell this time of year. Not after the first thaw.

BRANDY

No blankets. I brought pretty things for you. They will make you plenty money. Want to see?

PHILIP

I’m always open to making money. If you please…

She carefully unloads and unwraps small intricately hand-painted clay vessels. She moves each in the air in a mystical little dance to show off the beauty of her wares.

BRANDY

You like what you see? Worth much money?

PHILIP

No one wants Indian trinkets no matter how pretty. Money is too tight. Will you trade for flour and coffee?

BRANDY

These are more than trinkets! They hold special powers from the spirits! The power to see all things, to heal the sick, the lame.

PHILIP

I’m not interested in your mumbo jumbo. I don’t believe in that nonsense.

She holds a anarrow-necked jar high, enticing him with it and finally hands it over so he can peer inside. A smile crosses his lips.

PHILIP

Perhaps, we can do business after all.

BRANDY

Yes! You do want the magic these hold. You like? You pay!

PHILIP

My buyer will take all I can come up with, but it’s too dangerous. I don’t want any trouble.

BRANDY

No trouble from me! I will be gone!

PHILIP

Hey! You owe me, after those furs you brought last fall. You should have told me they were trapped on private property!

BRANDY

Animals roam where they please! The Great Mother knows no bounds.

A BELL RINGS.

PHILIP

Okay, we will settle up after I take care of this customer. Have a seat!

As soon as he leaves, Brandy murmurs to herself, looks through the goods in the storeroom. She smells a packet of sachet then pockets it.

Philip re-enters, followed by SHERIFF TATE, (50’s), who has his six shooter drawn, pointed at his back.

Brandy blanches, pulls a knife as she darts to the back door. Sheriff fires above her head.

SHERIFF

Hold it there, squaw! Let me see your hands.

Brandy stops dead. Drops her knife.

SHERIFF

What do we have here?

Sheriff waves his gun at the vessels on the table.

Brandy and Philip exchange looks of fear —

BRANDY

You like? You take, no charge.

SHERIFF

Filthy squaw! You think you can bribe an officer of the law?

BRANDY

No, sir. Pardon, sir. I meant no disrespect. Take! A pretty gift for your wife!

SHERIFF

(to Philip)

I warned you about selling the filth from the likes of her kind. Final warning. I’ll shut you down for good if I catch you at it again.

(to Brandy)

Now git outta here for good!

Brandy hurriedly gathers her things into the sack. Runs through the door.

SHERIFF

(to Philip)

My deputy is waiting down the road to snatch her up. Good riddance!

PHILIP

Remember. You promised if I let you know when she came back, you wouldn’t let on that it was me.

SHERIFF

She won’t know her half breed son squealed, if that’s what you’re worried about.

PHILIP

What’s in those jars is worth a small fortune. You won’t forget my share for putting you in the middle of this.

SHERIFF

I don’t know. My memory is real bad. We’ll have to see.

PHILIP

She won’t be harmed either —

A LOUD scream. SHOTS ring out.

Sheriff and Philip run through the door.

[Laurie Stoner]

Logline: While trying to sell her magical potions to the owner of a general store, the squaw is betrayed by the deal he has made with the local sheriff.

Essence: Philip is blackmailed due to his shame of being a “half breed”.

EXT./INT. REAR OF GENERAL STORE (CIRCA 1840) – DAY

BRANDY, (mid 40’s), drab gingham belted shirt over buckskin leggings, long braided hair, totes a large leather sack through the back door into the storeroom where JESSIE, (20’s) is unpacking a crate of can goods.

BRANDY

Is Philip here?

JESSIE

I’ll let him know.

Jessie leaves the storeroom.

INT. GENERAL STORE – DAY

PHILIP PARKER, (late 20’s), shop keeper, white shirt with banded sleeves, finishes loading up a crate of goods for a WOMAN CUSTOMER.

PHILIP

Have a nice day, ma’am.

JESSIE

She’s here.

PHILIP

Okay, you know what to do.

INT. STOREROOM – DAY

Philip walks in.

PHILIP

Hello.

Brandy nods.

PHILIP

I didn’t expect to see you until after the thaw.

BRANDY

Spring is early. I couldn’t wait.

PHILIP

You need money. Blankets don’t sell after the thaw.

BRANDY

No blankets. Pretty things. I bring them to you first. Want to see?

PHILIP

By all means. If you please…

She carefully unloads and unwraps small intricately hand-painted clay vessels. She moves each in the air in a mystical little dance to show off the beauty of her wares.

BRANDY

You like what you see?

PHILIP

No one wants Indian trinkets no matter how pretty. Money is too tight.

BRANDY

Yes, but these are more than trinkets. They hold special powers! The power to see all things, to heal the sick, the lame.

PHILIP

I’m not interested in your mumbo jumbo.

She holds a narrow-necked jar high so he can peer inside. A smile crosses his lips.

PHILIP

Perhaps, we can do business after all.

BRANDY

Yes! You want the magic these hold. You like? You buy!

PHILIP

My buyer said he’d take all I can come up with, but it’s dangerous. I don’t want any trouble.

BRANDY

No trouble from me!

PHILIP

You owe me, after those furs you brought last fall. You should have told me they were trapped on private property!

BRANDY

Animals roam where they please! The Great Mother knows no bounds.

A BELL RINGS.

PHILIP

Okay. I have a customer. Please, wait. We’ll settle on a price.

As soon as he leaves, Brandy looks through the goods in the storeroom. She smells a packet of sachet then pockets it.

Philip re-enters, followed by SHERIFF TATE, (50’s), who has his six shooter drawn.

Brandy blanches, darts to the back door. Sheriff fires above her head.

SHERIFF

Hold it there, squaw!

Brandy stops dead.

SHERIFF

What do we have here?

Sheriff points to the vessels on the table. Lifts one.

Brandy and Philip exchange looks of fear —

BRANDY

You like? You take, no charge.

SHERIFF

Filthy squaw! You think you can bribe an officer of the law?

BRANDY

No, sir. Pardon, sir. I meant no disrespect. Take! A pretty gift for your wife? Yes?

SHERIFF

(to Philip)

I warned you about selling the filth from the likes of her. Final warning. I’ll shut you down for good if I catch you again.

(to Brandy)

Now git outta here!

Brandy hurriedly gathers up her things into the sack. Runs through the door.

SHERIFF

(to Philip)

My deputy is waiting down the road to snatch her up.

PHILIP

Remember. You promised if I let you know when she was here, you wouldn’t let on that it was me.

SHERIFF

She won’t know it was you, her half breed son, that squealed. I’ll hold my peace if that’s what you’re worried about.

PHILIP

What’s in those jars is worth a small fortune. You won’t forget my share for putting you in the middle of this.

SHERIFF

I won’t forget.

PHILIP

And she won’t be harmed —

A LOUD scream. SHOTS fired.

Sheriff and Philip run through the door.

[Laurie Stoner]

What I learned doing this assignment is that structuring a scene for a big reveal isn’t as tough when I use the model to brainstorm the 3 pieces.

Hannah slides a long deadbolt on the door. Leans against it, shaking. Sudden loud KNOCK.

DEMETRI (OFF STAGE)

Hannah? I’m locked out. You must have thrown the deadbolt. Let me in.

Hannah slides down the door until she’s sitting on the floor. Demetri pounds on the door.

DEMETRI (OFF STAGE)

Hannah? I know you’re in there. Are you okay? Answer me!

HANNAH

Those papers you had me sign. They weren’t for Althea’s company. They were to get total control over me.

DEMETRI (OFF STAGE)

Yeah. Temporarily. You remember. I explained how I needed to be your POA so I could move some money around to pay the bills. Althea was there because we needed a witness. I never said it had anything to do with her company.

HANNAH

I called the gallery. They said they sold everything of mine. The old stuff, new stuff. All of it. When were you going to tell me?

DEMETRI (OFF STAGE)

I was afraid to. You got so mad about how you felt exploited. I know it’s because you can’t see, but you’re so paranoid.

HANNAH

Am I?

DEMETRI

Yes. Let me in so we can talk face to face.

HANNAH

Oh, and the bank called. Said my checking account had fallen below the minimum balance and since I hadn’t responded to any of their warnings, they were closing it.

DEMETRI

It’s a mistake. I’ll take care of it.

HANNAH

So many mistakes…

DEMETRI

For fuck’s sake, Hannah, open the door and let me explain. I feel like a fool out here.

HANNAH

I don’t want an explanation. I want you out of my life.

DEMETRI

You’re over reacting!

HANNAH

Maybe.

DEMETRI (OFF STAGE)

Be reasonable. You need me. And like it or not, you signed the POA document of your own volition. Althea will back me up on that.

HANNAH

I’m sure she will.

DEMETRI (OFF STAGE)

What are you going to do? Take me to court? That will take months. Think about that. Months on your own with no one to turn to. I do everything. Buy the food, send out the laundry, and this is fucking the thanks I get.

HANNAH

Thank you, Demetri, for everything you’ve done . Now go away and leave me alone.

DEMETRI (OFF STAGE)

I’m warning you! Open the door, Hannah. You have no reason to accuse me of controlling you over a simple mistake at the bank. You expect me to be your obedient lap dog! Do whatever you tell me to earn a pat on the head or a measly treat? I deserve better. You owe me. Now open the goddamn door, Hannah. Don’t make me call a locksmith.

Hannah gets up. Slowly douses her canvases with turpentine.

HANNAH

They’ll be too late. They’ll be nothing left by the time they get here!

She approaches the canvas Erin created and stops. She caresses the canvas.

HANNAH

If only I could see it.

DEMETRI

Hannah! What are you doing?

HANNAH

Removing all traces of our life together.

DEMETRI

What is that? I smell turpentine! Hannah! You wouldn’t.

HANNAH

Wouldn’t I?

Hannah picks up a lighter. Clicks a flame. Erin enters.

ERIN

Put that thing down.

HANNAH

Erin! I knew you couldn’t stay away from me. Like moth to flame!

ERIN

Don’t be silly. I couldn’t let you burn my painting

HANNAH

I wouldn’t — Please! I want to see it now!

ERIN

It’s time.

HANNAH

Erin! You left before I got to tell you how much you’ve meant to me. How you gave me my life back.

ERIN

You gave it to yourself, Hannah.

HANNAH

I couldn’t. Not without you. You made me see what I was missing. It was right there in front of me, but I was too blind — even before I lost my eyesight. So blind.

ERIN

And now, your vision is clear .

HANNAH

Very funny, but it’s true. I’m starting my creative workshops for kids again. I’ve missed them so much. The kids have so much raw talent and joy! Like I used to. They’re just waiting to be nurtured. Of course, I won’t be able to see what they’re doing like before, but I’ll make them tell me. It won’t be like what you and I had, but it will work. I know!

ERIN

I’m glad, Hannah.

HANNAH

What have you been up to? No! Don’t answer that.

ERIN

I no longer bray in despair if that’s what you mean, for my thoughts are elsewhere.

HANNAH

I still see darkness in you, but also such light.

ERIN

You opened me to it. I am reconciled to my fate now, for you will live forever in my memory.

HANNAH

And you in mine.

DEMETRI (OFF STAGE)

Hannah! Who are you talking to? I called the police. Told them you’d lost your mind and were threatening to burn the place down. They’re on their way.

HANNAH

Good! You saved me the trouble.

ERIN

He is not worthy of you.

HANNAH

Oh, Erin, if only you there was a way we could stay together.

ERIN

Unfortunately, it is not to be. But I granted a short reprieve and that has made all the difference. Who knows? I am foolish enough to believe my future may yet hold more.

HANNAH

I hope so.

ERIN

Farewell, Hannah. For now.

Erin walks past the portrait she painted of Hannah.

HANNAH

Oh, Erin. I see it. I see it!

Erin vanishes into the dark. Lightning strikes. Thunder BOOMS. SIRENS. FOOTSTEPS in the hallway. Hannah gathers herself. Walks to the door. Pulls the dead bolt.

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s Character Relationships

What I learned doing this assignment was that I need to consider all five states when I am selecting my main character’s character traits and not just where they will have rapport or conflict.

Characters –

Hannah: expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, sensitive

Demetri: driven, concealing, adventurous, charming

Erin: childlike, demonstrative, generous, stubborn

Prince: commanding, decisive, confrontational, vengeful

Hannah/ Demetri

Pair Hannah’s expressive and dramatic traits together with Demetri’s adventurous and charming traits and you have where they having a mutual attraction and romantic rapport.

Pair Hannah’s sensitive and self-absorbed traits together with Demetri’s driven and concealing traits and you’ve got constant fights because of their opposing values. Demetri tries to charm her into focusing on the business side of art but she is more concerned with her need to express herself authentically regardless of whether it makes economic sense. This is the main are where they compete, have conflict and subtext.

Hannah / Erin:

Pair Hannah’s expressive and dramatic traits with Erin’s demonstrative and generous nature and you have a recipe for building rapport.

Put Hannah’s sensitive and self-absorbed trait together with Erin’s child-like stubbornness and you’ve got competition, conflict, contrast, and subtext.

Erin / Prince:

Erin and Prince have no rapport or respect for one another.

Pair Hannah’s child-like, demonstrative and stubbornness traits together with Prince’s commanding, decisive, and confrontational traits and you have competition, contrast and conflict and subtext.

New character traits:

Hannah: expressive, principled, creative, temperamental

Demetri: driven, concealing, adaptive, charming

Erin: childlike, demonstrative, generous, stubborn

Prince: self-confident, impatient, confrontational, willful

[Laurie Stoner]

LOGLINE: Renee, pregnant by her pimp, is trying to escape with Maxine, another sex worker.

ESSENCE: Renee will go to any length to be free

TRAIT CHANGED: Renee’s conformist to unpredictable

EXT. RENTED SEDAN ON MOUNTAIN ROAD – DAY

Sedan climbs up the snowy, unplowed two lane mountain road. HUGE flakes of some blow into the windshield making it especially hazardous. No other cars in sight.

INT. SEDAN ON MOUNTAIN ROAD – DAY

RENEE, mid 20’s, prim black puffer jacket and knitted cap, no makeup is behind the wheel. MAXINE, 19, in the passenger seat, is dressed all pink – from her fur-trimmed jacket to her matching teased hair and eyeshadow. She glances over her shoulder.

RENEE

What are you looking for?

MAXINE

Nothing. I just wish we had stayed on the interstate. We’re all alone out here. What if something happens?

RENEE

Will you stop with the what ifs? I need to focus on the road not your bogeyman —

Out of the snow, a DOE jumps over the hood of the car and vanishes. Maxine SCREAMS.

RENEE

Calm down! We’re fine.

A second DEER, with a full set of antlers, appears in front of the car.

MAXINE

Look out!

Maxine jams on the brakes. The car goes into an uncontrolled skid. The deer smashes into the passenger door. SICKENING THUD! Maxine and the doomed deer are eye to eye for a split second. The deer disappears beneath the car. THUMP! BANG!

Car skids dangerously close to the edge of the mountain — Pine trees and the merest glimpse of a huge drop-off.

Maxine steers wilding.

The car stops on to the far side of the road.

The women are stunned, afraid to move.

MAXINE

We almost died! This was a terrible idea.

RENEE

Will you stop? We’re alive, thanks to me.

MAXINE

You mean, no thanks to you. If you hadn’t taken this road we wouldn’t be here. Oh, let’s just call the rental car company to send roadside assistance out.

RENEE

And risk him finding out? Besides, that could take hours. Let’s stick with the plan.

Renee gets out of the car.

MAXINE

Look out for wolves.

Renee ignores her. She takes in the dented passenger door and bent fender. She squats to see the front right tire is flat.

RENEE

Hey! Pop the trunk and get the spare.

Maxine reluctantly leaves the protection of the car. She opens the trunk.

MAXINE

Seriously? You’re going to try to change the tire? That’s what men are for. We need to wait for help.

RENEE

I don’t like getting dirty any more than you do. But we can’t wait. It’ll be dark soon.

MAXINE

Even more reason to wait in the car. It’s freezing out here and that can’t be good for the baby.

RENEE

Hand me that jack!

Maxine reluctantly does what she’s told.

The jack slips, pinching her Renee’s hand. She creams in pain. Forces herself to try again.

MAXINE

We’re going to die out here. I should have never let you talk me into running away.

RENEE

Roll the spare to me! Do I need to remind you that you said you wanted to come? That you didn’t want to wind up like me? Forced into an abortion?

MAXINE

What? No. I said I never wanted to be a mother. Not after growing up in a dozen foster homes. No child should have to go through what I went through. I just didn’t want you to be on your own.

RENEE

Okay. Whatever. I’m glad you’re here. Now let’s get this fixed so we can get out of here before — what’s that?

Down the cliff, HEADLIGHTS on the road.

MAXINE

A car. Finally! I’ll flag them down.

RENEE

Don’t you dare. I’ve got this.

MAXINE

Are you sure about that?

A CADILLAC pulls into view. Parks behind them.

Renee gasps.

RENEE

Oh no, oh no.

She dashes to the car, fumbles around, trying to get her handgun.

A burly bearded man, PIERRE, 40’s, in a parka gets out of the Cadillac.

RENEE backs away in terror – emptyhanded.

RENEE

How’d you find us?

Pierre glances at Maxine. Maxine holds Renee’s handgun.

PIERRE

Cell phone tracker.

RENEE

(to Maxine)

You were never on my side!

PIERRE

Hey, it’s his kid, too. He needed to know.

Renee runs to the side of the cliff.

RENEE

I’m not going back.

PIERRE

You wouldn’t.

RENEE

Don’t come any closer. Don’t take another step!

Pierre takes another step toward Renee.

She looks down at the snow swirling around the trees — and the blackness below…

[Laurie Stoner]

LOGLINE: Renee and Maxine, on the run from their pimp, must fix a flat tire in the mountains.

ESSENCE: Renee convinced Maxine to go on the run with her to save her unborn child but Maxine isn’t totally behind the plan.

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Renee – from conformist to unpredictable

EXT. RENTED SEDAN ON MOUNTAIN ROAD – DAY

Sedan climbs up the snowy, unplowed two-lane mountain road. HUGE flakes of some blow into the windshield.

INT. SEDAN ON MOUNTAIN ROAD – DAY

RENEE, mid 20’s, prim black puffer jacket and knitted cap, no makeup is behind the wheel. MAXINE, 19, in the passenger seat, is all pink – from her fur-trimmed jacket to her matching teased hair and eyeshadow.

MAXINE

We should have stayed on the interstate. I don’t like this. We’re all alone. What if something happens?

RENEE

Stop worrying. Nothing is going to happen–

Out of the snow, a DOE jumps over the hood of the car. Maxine screams.

RENEE

Omigod! That was close —

A second DEER, this one with a full set of antlers, leaps —

Maxine jams on the brakes. The car goes into an uncontrolled skid. The deer smashes into the passenger door with a horrible thud. Maxine and the doomed deer are eye to eye for a split second. The deer disappears beneath the car. THUMP! It’s ANTLERS puncture the tire.

The car skids dangerously close to the edge of the mountain. Pine trees up to the tree line and far below a huge drop-off into nothing.

Maxine barely manages to steer the car to the far side of the road. Both women sit in shock. Maxine is the first to move.

MAXINE

We almost died! This whole thing was a terrible idea.

RENEE

Stop, we’re still alive, aren’t we? Once we see how much damage there is we’ll know what we’re up against.

MAXINE

How can you be so calm? We need to call the rental car company to send roadside assistance.

RENEE

That could take hours. We can’t sit here. Let’s stick with the plan.

Renee gets out of the car. Surveys the dented door and fender. She squats to see the front right tire is flat. She pops open the trunk, pulls out the spare.

RENEE

Hey! I need your help. Bring my gloves.

Maxine reluctantly leaves the protection of the car. She holds out Renee’s knitted gloves.

MAXINE

Seriously? You’re going to try to change the tire. That’s what men are for. Maybe one will come along soon.

RENEE

It’ll be dark soon.

MAXINE

So? Even more reason to wait in the car. It’s freezing out here. It’s not good for you or the baby. You’re not thinking straight —

Renee puts the jack together.

RENEE

That’s exactly what I’m doing. Taking care of all of us!

The jack slips, pinching her hand. She creams in pain. Forces herself to try again.

MAXINE

We could die out here in the cold. I should have never let you talk me into running.

RENEE

Roll the spare to me. You said you’d didn’t want to wind up like me with no option but to have an abortion.

MAXINE

No, I didn’t. I said I never wanted to be a mother. Not after what I saw in foster homes. No child should have to go through what I went through.

RENEE

Fine. Then let’s get this fixed and get out of here before — what’s that?

Down the cliff, HEADLIGHTS on the road.

MAXINE

A car. I’ll flag them down.

RENEE

No, don’t. I’ve got this.

MAXINE

Are you sure about that?

A CADILLAC pulls into view. Parks by the side of the road.

Renee gasps.

RENEE

What’d you do?

A burly bearded man, PIERRE, 40’s, bundled in a parka gets out of the Cadillac.

RENEE backs away in terror.

RENEE

How’d you find us?

Pierre glances at Maxine.

PIERRE

Cell phone tracker. Thanks, babe.

RENEE

(to Maxine)

Traitor! How could you!

PIERRE

It’s his kid, too.

Renee runs to the side of the cliff.

RENEE

Don’t come any closer.

PIERRE

You wouldn’t.

RENEE

I won’t go back. I won’t! Don’t take another step or I will —

[Laurie Stoner]

LOGLINE: Nancy, an uptight New Yorker, is paired with Squire, an easy-going Texan, to work together on the disaster recovery team.

ESSENCE: Nancy wants to prove Squire is an unfit volunteer

EXT. DISASTER RECOVERY TEAM SITE, OKLAHOMA – DAY

Food kits and pallets of water are lined up ready to be distributed.

A large group of volunteers stand in front of FEMA manager, THOMAS, (40’s), waiting for instructions.

THOMAS

We’ll use the buddy system– one experienced volunteer paired with a newbie. Remember, people, we’re here to serve those who’ve lost their homes and all of their possessions in the tornado. We’re not heroes. Be sympathetic if someone has something to get off their chest, no judgment, but keep things moving! Any questions?

NANCY, 25, liberal New Yorker, trendy bib overalls, ponytail, neck bandana, scans the volunteers for familiar faces. She spots a hunky lumberjack type, CLANCY, at the end of the line. He glances her way, mouths ‘hello’. She gives him “fingers crossed” sign and he gives her a thumbs up.

Standing next to Clancy, SQUIRE, 50’s, grizzled bowlegged Texan, in cowboy get up, winks at Nancy, much to her horror.

THOMAS

Okay, let’s get moving. CLANCY, you’re with Margery —

ON Nancy, deflated.

THOMAS

Nancy, you’re with Squire —

Squire beams at her.

On Nancy, deflated.

Squire ambles toward Nancy.

SQUIRE

Howdy, sugarplum.

NANCY

Hello. And it’s Nancy, not sugarplum fairy.

SQUIRE

Beg your pardon, Miss Nancy. Name’s Squire, at your service. Here to learn the ropes.

NANCY

The ropes you need to learn are FEMA protocols and procedures, they’re printed on a sheet on the clipboard over there. Not to be rude, but you don’t look like the other volunteers I’ve trained. May I ask what brought you here today?

SQUIRE

(grinning)

You may.

NANCY

I thought I just did– Never mind. We need to set up our station for distribution…

LATER

The sun is blinding. It’s hot and muggy. The distribution queue is long, with no end in sight. Nancy’s neck bandana is drenched with sweat. She swats flies buzzing around her ears. She lugs a flat of bottled water to the cart of an Old Woman. Squire sits nearby on a folding stool, fanning himself with the clipboard.

NANCY

Squire! I could use your help! You’ve had more enough time to read everything on that clipboard.

SQUIRE

All you had to do is ask, darlin’.

NANCY

For the last time, my name is Nancy, not sugarplum, not darlin’, not little lady!

People in the line take notice of her irritation. A BURLY MAN steps out of line.

BURLY MAN

Let me help, sweetheart. Why don’t I handle things here while you cool off under that tree over there?

NANCY

Thank you, I appreciate your offer, but I’m in charge and I can’t leave the line without proper supervision.

SQUIRE

What’re they gonna do? Fire you? The beauty of being a volunteer is you can walk whenever you want.

NANCY

They can also fire you whenever they want. All right. I could use a five-minute break. Make sure no one takes more than their allotted ration.

He winks at her. She makes a left turn at the tree and heads straight to the tent area.

TENT – DAY

Nancy enters the tent. Thomas is going over a checklist. Looks up.

THOMAS

Hey, Nancy. It’s a hot one, isn’t it?

NANCY

Yes, it certainly is. I need to say something about Squire. I don’t think he’s not here to help. He has some kind of right wing agenda —

THOMAS

Whoa. What makes you think that?

NANCY

Everything. I mean, he hasn’t done anything specific yet, but he’s definitely not here to help.

THOMAS

Has he said something?

NANCY

No, but his attitude is all wrong. He doesn’t care about these people, and he’s lazy.

THOMAS

Stop there, Nancy. I think you need to admit that you simply don’t like the guy.

NANCY

I don’t but it’s more than that. I care about helping these people. If he did, too, he’d step up, put in the work to make a difference.

THOMAS

People volunteer for any number of reasons. Not all of them are altruistic. Let’s get through today and if you still feel uneasy working with him, I’ll put you with someone else tomorrow.

NANCY

I’m going to hold you to that. Thanks for listening, Thomas.

She hurries back toward her station. Stops short —

On Squire flirting and chatting up two Young Ladies, stalling the line.

Nancy breaks into a run. She doesn’t see his stool folded on the ground, trips over it, and goes flying… into Squire. They both tumble — she winds up lying on top of him on a pallet of water.

SQUIRE

Well howdy, doody. You miss me that bad, sugar?

Squire grins up at her, doesn’t move. Nancy has to gingerly climb off him. She sees everyone in the line staring. She blushes.

NANCY

Sorry, sorry! Let’s keep things moving, shall we?

Thomas approaches her with a worried look…

[Laurie Stoner]

LOGLINE: Nancy, an uptight New Yorker, is paired with Squire, an easy-going Texan, to work together on the disaster recovery team.

ESSENCE: Nancy wants to prove Squire is unfit

EXT. DISASTER RECOVERY TEAM SITE, OKLAHOMA – DAY

Food kits and pallets of water are lined up ready to be distributed.

A large group of volunteers stand in front of FEMA manager, THOMAS, (40’s), waiting for instructions.

THOMAS

We use the buddy system, with one experienced volunteer paired with a newbie. Remember, people, we’re here to serve the people who’ve lost their homes and their possessions, not ourselves. Be sympathetic if they have something to say, no judgment, but keep things moving! Any questions?

NANCY, 25, liberal New Yorker, wearing a trendy bib overall, scans the volunteers for familiar faces. She spots a hunky lumberjack type, CLANCY, at the end of the line. He glances her way, grins. She gives him “fingers crossed” sign and he gives her a thumbs up.

Standing next to Clancy, SQUIRE, 50’s, grizzled Texan, in cowboy attire, winks at Nancy, much to her horror.

THOMAS

Okay, let’s get going. CLANCY, you’re with Margery —

ON Nancy, deflated.

THOMAS

Nancy, you’re with Squire —

On Nancy, totally disgusted.

Squire walks, extremely bowlegged, toward Nancy.

SQUIRE

Howdy, sugar.

NANCY

Hello. And it’s Nancy, not sugar.

SQUIRE

I call you whatever you want me to call you, boss lady. Pull whatever you’ve got from your little bag of tricks. I’m ready to learn.

NANCY

I don’t have tricks. What I have is a deep knowledge of FEMA protocols and procedures, if you’re truly interested in learning them. May I ask why you volunteered?

SQUIRE

(grinning)

Sure. You may ask.

NANCY

I just did… Oh, never mind. Let’s get started. We need to set up our station for distribution of…

LATER

The sun is blinding. It’s gotten hot and muggy. The distribution queue is so long there’s no end in sight. Nancy’s neck bandana is drenched with sweat. She swats flies buzzing around her ears as she oversees the flats of bottled water and paper products leaving the station. Squire sits on a wooden spool, fanning himself.

NANCY

Mind answering me now? Because I’d really love to know why you volunteered since you obviously have no intention of putting in the effort it requires.

SQUIRE

I don’t believe in sweating the piddly details, sugar. You might try it sometime.

NANCY

For the last time, my name is Nancy, not sugar, not darling, not little lady!

People in the line take notice.

SQUIRE

I have a suggestion. Why don’t you head over there in the shade, cool off with a nice tall drink of water, take a siesta. I’ll handle things here. You’ll feel much better in no time.

NANCY

Better! You think I’d leave you hear without supervision?

SQUIRE

What’s the worst that could happen?

NANCY

All right. I’ll be back in fifteen. Make sure no one takes more than what they’re allotted? Have you got that?

He winks at her. She storms off. Heads straight to the tent area where Thomas is going over a checklist.

NANCY

Tom, have you got a minute?

THOMAS

Sure, what’s going on?

NANCY

It’s Squire. I don’t trust him. He’s not here to help. He has some kind of an agenda —

THOMAS

Whoa. What makes you think that?

NANCY

Everything. I mean, it’s not something specific, but he’s definitely not here to help.

THOMAS

What gives you that impression?

NANCY

His attitude. He’s up to something, mark my words.

THOMAS

Nancy, I think you need to admit you simply don’t like him.

NANCY

It’s more that that. I care about the people we’re helping. If he did he’d put in the work to make a difference.

THOMAS

People volunteer for many reasons. Not all are altruistic. Just get through the day and I’ll pair you up with someone else tomorrow, okay?

NANCY

Okay, hopefully not some lazy, misogynist cowboy.

She stomps back toward her station. She stops short.

Squire is chatting up two ladies, stalling the line.

Nancy breaks into a run. She doesn’t see his stool, trips over it and goes flying.

Nancy bumps into Squire, they both fall, and she winds up on top of him on the ground.

SQUIRE

Well howdy, sugar. Miss me?

Nancy can’t get up fast enough. She sees everyone in the line staring at her.

NANCY

Um, sorry, people. Let’s keep things moving, shall we?

Michael approaches them, a worried look on his face.

[Laurie Stoner]

Title: Laurie’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is brainstorming these techniques prior to writing a scene

Essence: Hannah wants she and Demetri’s relationship to change while he is fine with the present situation he created.

Hook — the braying sound from
outside that Hannah can hear but Demetri can’t.
Dilemma — Hannah doesn’t want to
lose Demetri but she will if she cancels the show
Predictions — Demetri warns her
what will happen if she cancels the show
Something unseen — lightning without a thunderstorm
Mystery — Why can Hannah see
and hear things Demetri can’t?

Creating a Future — If Hannah
goes out during the argument the relationship will implode
Anticipatory Dialogue — Demetri
makes threats pointing to the future without money coming in
Cliffhangers — She runs out
during a lightning storm thinking he will join her but he won’t.
Uncomfortable Moment — Demetri
makes a sexual advance and she compares him to her father

DEMETRI and HANNAH are lying in bed. He kisses her neck, strokes her arm.

HANNAH

Go to sleep. I’m fine.

DEMETRI

Roll over. I’ll rub your back until you fall asleep.

Loud braying SOUND. Hannah sits bolt upright.

HANNAH

What was that?

DEMETRI

What?

HANNAH

You didn’t hear that weird noise?

DEMETRI

C’mon. Lie back. You need to rest.

HANNAH

I’m too wired to sleep.

DEMETRI

Everyone will love your work — and you.

HANNAH

No more pep talks. Please.

DEMETRI

I’m not saying this because I put this together. I saying this because I love you — after tomorrow you’ll be a name, people will know you, want to collect you.

HANNAH

Yeah, like I’m a seashell on the beach. Or worse, an investment!

DEMETRI

Who cares. You’ll be on your way.

HANNAH

To where?

DEMETRI

I was going to wait until after the show to spring it on you —

HANNAH

Spring what on me? What are you talking about?

DEMETRI

Do you want to spoil the surprise?

HANNAH

Tell me!

DEMETRI

No, that would be too easy. I think I’m gonna make you wait.

HANNAH

Don’t you dare. Tell me, asshole, or else.

He shakes his head and she tickles him unmercifully.

DEMETRI

I’m warning you — stop!

HANNAH

Tell me!

DEMETRI

You spoil everything I try to do.

HANNAH

You’ve got it backwards! You spoil everything I try to do.

DEMETRI

Only when you’re making an elephant out of a fly. Now lay down. We both need to get some sleep.

HANNAH

You don’t respect what I want. You’re always telling me what I need to do.

DEMETRI

I’m not biting. We’re not getting into this tonight.

He strokes her arm. She brushes his hand off.

DEMETRI

Message received.

He rolls over to face away from her.

HANNAH

C’mon. Don’t be like that.

DEMETRI

Like I said, you’re going to spoil the best day of our lives.

HANNAH

Omigod. There’s no end to it.

He rolls over to face her. Gets up on one elbow.

DEMETRI

I planned every bloody thing for tomorrow so it will be perfect. For you. You don’t trust me so you’re miserable and I need to feel your pain.

HANNAH

Did you ever consider I don’t trust myself? That maybe it has nothing to do with you. Somethings should be on me.

DEMETRI

Enough!

He gets out of bed, pulls a big suitcase out from under the bed.

HANNAH

You’re leaving me?

DEMETRI

I’m going on a trip tomorrow. An adventure. With or without you.

HANNAH

You planned a trip without telling me.? Is this the surprise? Why did you feel you needed to plan a trip without me?

DEMETRI

Oh, I don’t know. A big fucking romantic gesture on my part? A cherry on top of the pie?

HANNAH

You mean on top of the cake. No one puts a cherry on top of pie.

DEMETRI

Fuck it.

HANNAH

You told me to correct you whenever you use the wrong idiom.

DEMETRI

You don’t even care to know where we’re going.

HANNAH

Niagara Falls! You said you want to drive up there and now we’re going.

DEMETRI

Not by half. I planned the trip of a life time, one we’d never forget! Niagara Fall!

HANNAH

Then tell me where.

DEMETRI

Japan. First Class!

HANNAH

You’re kidding.

DEMETRI

See for yourself.

Demetri shows Hannah the reservation on his cell phone.

HANNAH

Omigod! I can’t believe you did this. I had no clue —

DEMETRI

Because I wanted it to be a surprise! Get this. Forty-eight hours from now we’ll be strolling through cherry blossoms on our way to Osaka Castle.

HANNAH

Oh, wow. This is so unexpected. So romantic…

They kiss.

DEMETRI

So what are you waiting for? Get packing. And don’t tell me you have nothing to wear.

HANNAH

I don’t — The tickets must have cost a fortune. Can we afford this?

DEMETRI

After tomorrow we’ll have money to burn, and the power to go wherever we want.

HANNAH

Are you sure? I mean, even if all my paintings sell, after everyone takes their cut — will we really have that much left?

DEMETRI

I told you not to worry about the money side. Leave that to me.

HANNAH

Yeah, but I’d like to see the numbers. We’re partners after all.

DEMETRI

Will you relax?

HANNAH

But the art world is so fickle. One day you’re hot, the next you’re a nobody. We might need that money to live on. You don’t know the art world like I do —

DEMETRI

It’s a fucking business, and I know business… like the curve of your ass.

He pulls her in tight. Strokes her thigh.

HANNAH

I wish you wouldn’t do that.

DEMETRI

You like me to touch you.

HANNAH

Yeah, but as soon as we start to talk business, when I’m trying to make a serious point, you do this to throw me off.

DEMETRI

Damn. You’ve found me out.

He nibbles her ear. She swats him away.

HANNAH

I mean it, Demetri, I can’t mix business and pleasure like you. It confuses me.

DEMETRI

Can’t have that. From now on, no more business. Only pleasure.

He strokes her, kisses her neck. She twists free.

DEMETRI

Bloody hell. If you’re spoiling for a fight, let’s go.

HANNAH

See! This is what you do. Start out super sweet, eager to take care of me, then as soon as I get serious, try to discuss something important, you get mad and turn into a bully. There’s no in-between with you.

DEMETRI

Is that all you’ve got?

HANNAH

No! Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m talking to my manager, my boyfriend — or my dad.

DEMETRI

Who, hit me below the belt why don’t you. Same goes for me, babe. You go from a desirable woman to whining baby in 60 seconds flat.

HANNAH

See? When I say something you don’t like you turn on me, put me down, like I don’t have the right to an opinion. You do! I never know if you’re going fire me, break up with me or send me to my room!

DEMETRI

I would, except we’re already in it.

HANNAH

Very funny.

She runs to the other side of the studio. Cringes before she spits it out.

HANNAH

I’m cancelling the show.

DEMETRI

Don’t be ridiculous.

HANNAH

It’s my show and I don’t want to do it. I never did. I should have never let you talk me into it.

He storms over to her.

DEMETRI

I talked you into nothing. We decided on it together.

HANNAH

Oh, really. You didn’t listen when I said it was too soon, too much, too fast? That I’m still figuring out who I am, what my art is about? You wouldn’t let up that I couldn’t pass this up. You wore me down!

DEMETRI

You were overthinking it. Afraid to put your work out there. Afraid of putting yourself on the line. You weren’t thinking about the long game.

HANNAH

Yes, I was. I was thinking about us. I went along to please you. It’s been totally your show from the beginning, not mine. All I did was the painting. You did the rest without consulting me. Since the show’s so important to you, you go, talk to everyone. Take all the credit. See if I care. I don’t want any of it. I don’t need it.

DEMETRI

Hannah! They’re coming to see you, talk to you, not me. I’m the guy behind the scenes. And I intend to stay there. You need to be upfront. Look, if you’re worried about all of the attention, all you have to do is smile, make small talk, sip Champagne —

HANNAH

You just proved my point! I’m only the artist!

DEMETRI

This isn’t going anywhere. You are not going to back out. I won’t let you.

HANNAH

What are you going to do? Drag me there by my hair?

DEMETRI

Fine. Go back to doing piddly-ass art fairs where you barely made enough to cover your booth rent. See if I care. You are so goddamned lucky your uncle left you this loft — I don’t get it. You’re worried about a couple of lousy plane tickets? Would you rather be a starving artist than a successful one? That’s it! Making money, selling your artwork is dirty. And you don’t want to get your hands dirty with anything but paint.

HANNAH

You think I’m a snob?

DEMETRI

No. Even though you’d drown in a rainstorm your nose is turned up so high in the air. But no, I don’t think that.

HANNAH

Fuck you.

She turns her back on him.

DEMETRI

You think I don’t respect your feelings? What about mine? I’ve kissed up every asshole who’ve got their fingers in the pie to give you the chance at the brass ring! And I don’t sweat it. Why? Because you’re worth it. Because I love you!

She turns back, comes toward him.

HANNAH

I never asked you to do that. I wouldn’t.

He pulls her close.

DEMETRI

No, you just took it for granted and looked the other way. Pretended not to notice.

HANNAH

You should have told me.

DEMETRI

I’m not complaining. I just want you to appreciate me as much as I appreciate you.

HANNAH

I do. It makes me feel guilty. But I – I also feel like you saw me as this poor nobody, someone you could manage, and took over.

DEMETRI

I thought you wanted what I could give you.

HANNAH

Maybe, but I feel like I’ve lost my freedom, the freedom to experiment, explore, do the work I want, how I want, when I want!

DEMETRI

You’ll have more control than you want after the show. Don’t throw it all away.

HANNAH

But I feel like I’m turning into someone I don’t recognize. Someone I don’t like. I don’t want to blame you but I guess I do.

DEMETRI

You’re blaming me for looking out for you? I’m doing it so you could set your own terms, punch your own ticket.

HANNAH

To where? Osaka? That’s your fantasy, not mine.

DEMETRI

Like I give a shit where we go. The point is we go. Celebrate the win together.

HANNAH

The win… But it’s not a game to me. I thought we wanted the same things, that we had something special, but I don’t know if that’s true anymore.

DEMETRI

We have to make a living, babe, we can’t live on love alone.

HANNAH

But I want us to show up for each other when its about more than making a living. I should have stood up to you when you said I needed to stop working with the kids at the shelter…

DEMETRI

That’s what this is about? I never said you had to stop doing that forever. Only that you needed to take a break to focus on the show. I’m not the bad guy here.

HANNAH

Then I can go back tomorrow! Or when you tell me we have enough money in the bank?

DEMETRI

For fuck’s sake, Hannah, if I don’t make you happy, tell me .

HANNAH

All I know is I want out —

DEMETRI

Of us?

HANNAH

No. Out of the show. Are they the same thing to you?

DEMETRI

I’m not the one who can’t tell the difference.

HANNAH

If only I could make you understand…

She pulls on leggings, sweatshirt, running shoes.

DEMETRI

What are you doing?

HANNAH

What does it look like?

DEMETRI

It’s the middle of the night. I swear, if you run out on me now…

HANNAH

I need to clear my head.

DEMETRI

It’s fucking two in the morning!

She yanks open the door. A sudden bright light flashes in her face. She stumbles back.

HANNAH

What was that?

DEMETRI

Be reasonable for once in your life. It’s not safe —

HANNAH

Was that lightning?

DEMETRI

I didn’t see anything.

A loud braying sound.

HANNAH

There’s that weird sound again.

Demetri doesn’t respond because he can’t hear it.

DEMETRI

Hannah! We can fix this.

HANNAH

You think so?

DEMETRI

Of course. Come back to bed.

HANNAH

I won’t be long. I promise.

DEMETRI

Then I’ll go with you.

HANNAH

You’ll have to catch me!

She runs out, leaving the door open. He grabs one running shoe, searches but can’t find the other. He throws the one shoe across the room, flops back in bed.

The sound of running feet, thunder, braying, flashes of light, a loud scream…

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I need to challenge my characters as well as myself to write scenes that are dramatic, filled with conflict, while staying true to the essence.

Current Scene Logline: Hannah and Demetri argue about the upcoming art show

Essence: rather than feeling excited and happy Hannah feels something isn’t right about her participation

Brainstorm list of challenges

Goal – feel good about the show

Suggest changes to her role

Change the date or reschedule

Cancel it

Needs – to feel inspired again

Discuss what she wants to do vs what he wants her to do

Demand greater participation in the business side

Don’t let Demetri distract her with gifts or rewards

Values – art is a very personal expression of who she is

Demetri argues that is his career, a way to make money

Wound – she felt unworthy as a child because her parents told her that art was play and she should do something practical to save the world

Demetri downplays the effect her parents had on her

She argues to go back to helping kids as well as producing work

Physical – Demetri is mixing business with pleasure

Demetri keeps distracting her with love making

What journey is she on? From feeling unworthy to feeling she is a part of something worthwhile

How can I better challenge her – show how Demetri is feeding her feeling of unworthiness?

New Version

Bring her wound into play. She will try to explain her reluctance to do the show because of what it represents, while he tries to manipulate her with sex and a trip to Japan.

Current Scene Logline: Hannah wants to come clean with Demetri (this is a missing scene)

Essence: She has kept her relationship with Erin from him

Brainstorm list of challenges

Goal – tell the truth

Try to get him to understand

Show she’s a telepath

Needs – to fix their relationship

Discuss what she wants in the future and his role

Suggest ways they can collaborate in the business

Demetri says he’s tired of being her nursemaid

Values – she wants to share everything with him

Demetri wants to have his own lane

Demetri accuses her of rejecting him and ruining everything

Demetri threatens to have a relationship with another woman, too

Wound – she felt unworthy as a child because her parents told her that art was play and she should do something practical to save the world

Demetri is fed up with her whining about what he considers her privileged childhood

She argues that going back to helping kids as well as producing work will fix things for her which he feels is a rejection of him as not being enough

Physical – She shows how she’s learned to paint while blind

Demetri accuses her of faking her blindness

Demetri gets physical and trashes her painting

What journey is she on? From feeling unworthy to feeling she is in control of her life

How can I better challenge her – show how Demetri was feeding her feeling of unworthiness and how she has grown through working with Erin

New Version

Write it using what I brainstormed.

[Laurie Stoner]

Title: Laurie’s Full-out Characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that the character traits, while they must be designed to deliver on the concept, must also be inherently dramatic and interesting.

CURRENT

Hannah – a painter who loses her eyesight and her will to live after a mysterious accident

Traits: sarcastic, dramatic, self-absorbed, temperamental

Main Subtext – she wants her life and art to mean something more than making money

Demetri – Hannah’s boyfriend, who manages her life and career

Traits: spontaneous, controlling, caring, confrontational

Main Subtext – he wants to make Hannah a star and his personal cash cow

Erin – a fallen angel

Traits: driven, perceptive, innovative, demonstrative

Main Subtext: she wants a second chance to become a good angel

REVISED

Hannah – a painter who loses her eyesight and her will to live after a mysterious accident blinded her

Traits: expressive, self-absorbed, low self esteem, giving

Main Subtext – she wants her life and art to mean something special but is afraid to assert what she wants

Demetri – Hannah’s boyfriend, who manages her life and career

Traits: spontaneous, calculating, manipulative, withholding

Main Subtext – he wants to make Hannah a star and his personal cash cow

Erin – a fallen angel

Traits: driven, innovative, demonstrative, fearless

Main Subtext: she wants a second chance to become a good angel and will stop at nothing to do so

[Laurie Stoner]

Logline: John desperately wants to get his hands on the rare plant that Nick has in his possession

Essence: John will do anything to rebuild his reputation but he needs Nick to provide him with the means

Expression: Nick and John bargain over the plant until both they learn Maggie may have betrayed them both

EXT. BOTANICAL GARDENS, FT. LAUDERDALE – DAY

Lush tropical plants and palm trees line a walkway along the beach.

JOHN, 54, rugged individualist specializing in rare plant identification, paces impatiently, vaping. He checks his watch.

JOHN

Damn you, Nick, can’t you ever be on time?

He takes a long drag on the e-cigarette, and notices out of the corner of his eye–

The BUSHES are moving. He strides over and separates the branches.

NICK, 45, explorer and trader in rare flora and fauna, is down on all fours. He shushes John with a finger over his lips.

JOHN

What are you doing down there?

NICK

Spotted an iguana. Thought you’d want me to nab him. Little buggers will eat their weight in your precious mangoes —

JOHN

Iguana, my ass. You were sneaking up on me.

NICK

I was doing you a favor, man.

JOHN

if anything, you saw fruit rat. They’re everywhere. Admit it. You were skulking, about to pull one of your screwball stunts.

Nick bats the brush. An iguana scurries up a tree.

NICK

When are you going to learn you can trust me?

JOHN

Cut the crap. I haven’t got all day. Where is it?

NICK

Where’s what?

JOHN

My plant!

NICK

First things first, let’s come to terms on my commission.

JOHN

You want me to set a dollar amount? If it’s what you say it is, and I get the jump in id’ing it before everyone else —

NICK

85,000.

JOHN

I’ll give you 15,000.

NICK

50.

JOHN

20 and not a dollar more.

NICK

And you’ll pay up? In dollars not pesos?

JOHN

I’m not like you. My word is my bond.

NICK

(laughing)

Okay, then in the spirit of keeping our beautiful friendship alive… You’ve got a deal.

Nick grabs him by the shoulders, looks him straight in the eye.

JOHN

I’ll have the money for you tomorrow at noon. You be here with it.

NICK

I’ll have the specimen, but not here. Somewhere private.

JOHN

My beach house then.

NICK

You think I’d take it through customs? Have the Feds confiscate it? No way.

JOHN

You know goddamn well I’m not allowed to leave the country. They took my passport– The one time I trusted cost me everything! You owe me. here, tomorrow, or the deal is off.

NICK

Baloney. You need this. You need me.

JOHN

I don’t need anyone!

NICK

You needed Maggie! You’re still blaming me because you lost her. She was ready to split, man. Because you married to your job and your reputation.

JOHN

She was everything to me! You stole her, sweet talked her with your lies! You manipulated us both and now you’re going to set it right.

NICK

You think you can order me around! I’ve got two other bidders in play. I was just going to give you the first crack at it. We’re through here.

John grabs his arm. Nick whips around, pulls a knife.

JOHN

Once again, you were playing me for a chump. Maggie called last night. Told me you struck out with those other buyers. I’m your last play.

John maneuvers around Nick, closely watching the hand with the knife.

NICK

Well, whatta you know.

JOHN

Do we have a deal or not?

NICK

Seems our girl is playing us both for chumps.

JOHN

No! She’s through with you. Learned who’s the better man. She wants to get back to me.

NICK

She has the plant, man. I’d say she has another fish on the line, and you’re gonna get another Dear John letter…

John lunges for Nick. Knife goes flying.

Close on IGUANA in tree, watching the men fight.

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s Lesson 8 scene

Logline: John will stop at nothing to be the first to get his hands on a new species of orchid

Essence: John, a botanist who can’t leave the country, needs to be the first to id a new plant species.

Expression: John needs Nick to bring in a sample of the plant and the details about where it was found.

EXT. BOTANICAL GARDENS, FT. LAUDERDALE – DAY

Lush tropical plants and palm trees line a walkway outside an old Southern mansion converted into offices for the staff.

JOHN, 54, botanist, paces impatiently, vaping. He checks his watch.

JOHN

Dammit, Nick, you said noon and it’s nearly one!

He takes a long drag on the e-cigarette, and notices out of the corner of his eye — there’s something moving in the bushes. He strides over and separates the branches.

NICK, 45, explorer and trader in rare flora and fauna, is crouching underneath.

JOHN

What in the hell! Get out of there.

NICK

Spotted an iguana, man. Thought you’d want to know. Little buggers will eat their weight in your precious mamey sapote —

JOHN

I don’t believe you.

NICK

It’s a fact, man.

JOHN

You now damn well that’s not what I meant! Admit it. You were skulking, about to sneak up on me, pull one of your stunts.

Nick reaches into the brush. Iguana scurries up a tree.

NICK

You don’t trust anyone or anything, man. I was simply trying to do you a favor.

JOHN

Cut the crap. All I want from you is the truth.

NICK

I already told you all I know. I just dropped by to say hi.

JOHN

I want the details of what really went on down there and I’m willing to pay.

NICK

With what? You suddenly come into some dough?

JOHN

That’s none of your business.

NICK

And you expect me to trust you.

JOHN

That’s rich, coming from you.

NICK

(laughing)

Okay, in the spirit of keeping our beautiful friendship alive… I found the paph on a rocky limestone slop, in a part of Peru that’s not exactly easy to get to.

(singing)

Take me to higher ground!

Nick grabs him by the shoulders, shakes him.

NICK

Let’s call it high ground then. I’m telling you, the paph was nearly 8 inches across, a deep purple —

JOHN

No more lies! Ever since Kovacchi was found, every one of those areas have been scoured clean.

NICK

What can I say? Mother Nature is a wily lady.

JOHN

Then hand over the plant and give me the coordinates.

NICK

Tell you what I’ll do. Grab your camera, and a backpack and I’ll take you there. See for yourself —

JOHN

You know goddamn well I’m not allowed to leave the country –the one and only time I trusted you cost me everything! You owe me!

NICK

Oh yeah, too bad you took the fall. Que sera, and all that. And lost Karen in the bargain. What a blow.

JOHN

I didn’t lose her. You stole her from me! Manipulated us both and now you’re going to tell me where you’ve got the plant or —

NICK

Or what? You’ll strangle me with a piece of that fig over there? Here’s what I’m offering. Don’t take too long– I’ve already got two high dollar offers in play.

JOHN

Cheeky bastard! Karen called me last night. Told me you struck out with those other buyers. I’m your last play.

NICK

Well, whatta you know.

JOHN

So get the plant and tell me where you really found it, and we’ll talk compensation.

NICK

Shit. Seems our girl is playing us both for chumps.

JOHN

No! She’s through with you. She wants to get back to me!

NICK

Since she’s holding the plant for me and has the coordinates on her phone, I’d say you’re hatching your chicks a bit soon, John —

John lunges for Nick.

Close on IGUANA, watching the men fight in the brush below.

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s Scene for Feedback

EXT. CARNIVAL TRAILER, DUST BOWL ERA, NEBRASKA – NIGHT

There’s a faded glory to the purple velvet couch, leather chairs and carved oak desk.

TRENT, carnival empresario, 50’s, dressed in shabby clothes that were once expensive, goes over the books. He shakes his head in disgust, unlocks a money box, and takes a meager roll of cash. He carefully counts it into piles.

A KNOCK. Trent quickly puts the money back in the box, puts it in a drawer and locks it.

TRENT

Come in!

ROBERT, a newly hired circus clown, 30’s, enters, wearing longies and a tutu.

TRENT

Just the man I want to see. Cute get up.

ROBERT

I was getting ready to go one, sir, when they said you wanted to speak with me. I hope I haven’t done something wrong?

TRENT

Don’t get your panties in a knot. Sit, sit.

Trent pours 2 glasses of whisky and offers Robert a cigar. Lights it for him.

ROBERT

It’s not my birthday. To what do I owe the honor?

TRENT

To welcome you, you ninny. Show you how thrilled I am to have you under my big top. I expect ticket sales to go through the roof once word gets out.

ROBERT

About what? I’m a lowly clown, sir.

TRENT

I need you to trust me, son. Can you do that?

ROBERT

Of course. But I want to be clear. You hired me to work with the other clowns, right? Should I be working on a solo act?

TRENT

That’s rich. Listen to you. By the way, are you getting along with the other clowns? I bet it’s a laugh a minute.

ROBERT

Not exactly. I probably shouldn’t say anything, but I overheard Tommy talking to another one of the clowns. He was saying they’re not going to waste their time working me into the act —

TRENT

Oh, he did, did he!

TOMMY, painted clown face, wearing a polka dot costume, sticks his head in the door.

TOMMY

Boss! Chester says to tell you the ‘roo ain’t cooperating. He can’t get the gloves on him no how and they don’t know what to do.

TRENT

Goddamn, Chester! You tell him to figure it out, pronto, if he knows what’s good for him.

TOMMY

Will do, boss.

Tommy pops his head out.

TRENT

Not so fast, Tommy! What’s this I hear about you and the others not working Robert into your act?

TOMMY

But you said —

TRENT

Never mind what I said.

TOM

Sure thing, boss! Anything else?

Trent takes a big puff from his cigar and Toomy quickly shuts the door.

ROBERT

I’m guessing they have their own way of doing the act. I don’t want to be seen as taking over or trying to show them up. I’m more than happy to take my cue from what the others do if you know what I mean.

TRENT

Don’t tell me what you’re happy to do. Let’s get this out in the open. I brought you on to lead the way! Do well, and I may even cut you in down the line. But first you need to show some gumption.

ROBERT

Yes, sit. I’ll do my best. But like I said, can you be more clear? Is there anything in particular you want?

TRENT

Be a goddamn good clown who does what he’s told!

ROBERT

Fine. I assume you’ll let me know more when the time comes.

TRENT

Don’t be coy with me. I know goddamn well you were a bare knuckle champion back in the day before the world went to hell. I bet you did a lot of dancing, too, with the ladies and in the ring. Show the crowd some of that fancy footwork and ham it up with your dukes. Am I clear now?

ROBERT

I think we have a misunderstanding. I don’t know where you got that idea?

TRENT

From your press clippings, damn it! What was your win loss record?

ROBERT

I don’t recall —

TRENT

No man forgets his triumphs. I want details —

ROBERT

Okay, if you’re really interested in my boxing record, I have plenty of stories to tell. I was quite the dandy in the ring, by the way, went by the name of Prancing Robbie, but when I take a punch now it’s for pretend, to keep the parents and kids laughing.

TRENT

The crowd knows the difference between a prat fall and the real thing. I want you to combine the two. Giggles and mayhem. That’s something new!

ROBERT

Then I’ll have a partner in the ring to take the prat falls? Should I talk to Tommy?

TRENT

No need. We’re going to get ‘em on the edge of their seats and keep ‘em there with — let’s just say we’re going to give ‘em a spectacle they wouldn’t soon forget!

ROBERT

I’ll give it my all! I only hope I don’t disappoint you.

TRENT

I’m counting on it. Between you and me, I’ve got a new backer, who’ll shell out the big bucks, soon as all the pieces fit together. We have to prove ourselves. You and I, together, we’ll show him!

ROBERT

How do we do that?

Trent pulls out his pocket watch.

TRENT

Look at the time. Walk with me.

The men leave the wagon.

EXT. CARNIVAL TENT – NIGHT

A big tent, crowds filing in. Above the entrance, a hand painted sheet flaps. We see a clown wearing a tutu standing in a boxing ring with his dukes up against a kangaroo.

ROBERT

Now I get it! One of the clowns will be wearing a kangaroo suit!

TRENT

The suit don’t come off.

ROBERT

No? I bet I know why.

TRENT

It’s better to keep the world guessing, son. Things stay fresh that way. ‘Roos name in John L. After the great fighter. Now don’t hurt him. He likes to feel like he’s in charge and he’s worth a small fortune. But make it look real. Give the crowd a show!

ROBERT

What? No! That’s your plan? I’m not going to fight a helpless animal.

TRENT

Oh, he’s not helpless. Those feet can deliver a mean punch. Just use your footwork. Dance him around the ring until he’s starting to get tired. But not until he’s delivered few punches your way. You know what I mean. Make it look real. The crowd loves a good ass kicking!

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s Feedback for Madeliene: (I noted the character traits and interest techniques that I found in ALL CAPS.)

A clerk behind the desk nudges his colleague. They try to stay serious. Robert notices it and tries to look relaxed. – INTRIGUE

Robert is relieved to see somebody he knows, but also embarrassed because he notices the clerks realize that he is completely overdressed. – LOW SELF ESTEEM TRAIT

NINA
You should know him… he’s always a bit exaggerating. – SETTING UP TRENT’S SUBTEXT

ROBERT
Where is Trent actually?
(pause)
Are you… still together?
Nina looks puzzled. SUSPENSE

ROBERT
I don’t know if I should tell you, but lately Trent always mentioned a “Simona”. ROBERT’S SUBTEXT OF GOSSIP

Nina kisses Trent hesitantly. Robert gives Trent a big hug and squeezes him excessively. Trent pushes Robert away. AGGRESSIVE TRAIT

Trent steps back and scrutinizes Robert with a smile. Then he takes off a hair of Robert’s shoulder. METICULOUS TRAIT

TRENT
Hey man… listen… I got a problem… I was in a hurry… left my credit card and everything at home…
Robert smiles mildly. TRENT’S SUBTEXT

NINA
It’s rather you, setting up everybody.
Trent glances hostilely toward Robert. TWIST

TRENT
Of course, you… Robert! BETRAYAL.

Nina deals him a heavy blow.
NINA
Happy birthday, Trent!
As Trent sinks down in the middle of the lobby as everybody stares at them in disbelief. SCENE ARC

SUMMARY: I thought it was a well-written scene that employed most, but not all of the character traits and interest techniques. I wasn’t clear on the essence except that these guys have a complicated history and there was some payback or one-upmanship in the works. I wanted to know why Trent invited Robert — he wants Robert to pay for dinner, obviously but why was he invited on what was clearly a date and not a party? And why did Robert preplan to bring up Simona, have the rose delivered, and expect Nina to beat up Trent when he thought there was going to be more people there? I suggest creating dramatic irony by having Robert deliver some smooth or gregarious dialogue to the clerk in the setup (despite his secretiveness which I also found really difficult to do) or have him say something at the end of the scene that makes the essence and subtext clear.

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie’s First Rewrite

EXT. CARNIVAL TRAILER, DUST BOWL ERA, NEBRASKA – NIGHT

Shabby furnishings, but there’s a faded glory to the purple velvet couch, leather chairs and carved oak desk.

TRENT, carnival empresario, goes over the books. Shakes his head in disgust. He unlocks a money box, takes a meager roll of cash and carefully counts it into piles.

A KNOCK. Trent quickly puts the money back, puts the box in a drawer and locks it.

TRENT

Come in!

ROBERT, a newly hired circus clown, enters, wearing longies and a tutu.

TRENT

Just the man I want to see.

ROBERT

I was getting ready, sir. I hope I didn’t do something wrong?

TRENT

Not at all. Sit, sit.

Trent pours 2 glasses of whisky and offers Robert a cigar. Lights it for him.

ROBERT

It’s not my birthday. To what do I owe the honor?

TRENT

I wanted to welcome you! Show how thrilled I am to have you under our little big top. I expect ticket sales will be going through the roof in no time once word gets around.

ROBERT

I’m a lowly clown, sir. What word?

TRENT

I need you to trust me, son.

ROBERT

But I don’t think I understand. You hired me to work with the other clowns. Should I be working on a solo act!

TRENT

Are you kidding me? That’s rich. Listen to you. By the way, how are you getting along with the other clowns? Laugh a minute?

ROBERT

Not exactly. I probably shouldn’t say anything, but I overheard Tommy talking to another clown. Says they’re not going to waste their time working me into the act —

TRENT

Oh he did, did he!

TOMMY, painted clown face, polka dot costume, sticks his head in the door.

TOM

Boss! Chester says to tell you. The ‘roo ain’t cooperating. He can’t get the gloves on him and they don’t know what to do.

TRENT

Goddamn, Chester! You tell him to figure it out, pronto, if he knows what’s good for him.

TOM

Will do, boss.

TRENT

Not so fast, Tommy. What’s this I hear about you and the others not working Robert into your act?

TOM

But you said —

TRENT

Never mind what I said. Get a move on.

TOM

Sure thing, boss!

ROBERT

I’m guessing they have their own way of doing the act. I don’t want to be seen as taking over or trying to show them up. I’m more than happy to take my cue from what the others do.

TRENT

Don’t you dare tell me what you’re happy to do. I want you to lead the way! Do well, and I may even cut you in. But first show some gumption.

ROBERT

Okay. I’ll do my best. Is there anything in particular you want?

TRENT

Sure is! Be a goddamn good clown who does what he’s told!

ROBERT

I assume you’ll let me know what that is when the time comes?

TRENT

Don’t be coy. I know goddamn well you were a bare knuckle champion back in the day before the world went to hell in a handcart. I bet you did a lot of dancing, too, with the ladies and in the ring. I want you to show the crowd some of that fancy footwork and ham it up with your dukes.

ROBERT

I don’t know where you got that idea?

TRENT

From your press clippings! What was your win loss record?

ROBERT

I don’t recall.

TRENT

No man forgets his triumphs. Don’t hold back.

ROBERT

If you’re really interested in my boxing record, I have lots of stories that will curl your hair. I was quite the dandy in the ring, went by the name of prancing Robbie, but when I take a punch now it’s for pretend, to keep the parents and kids laughing.

TRENT

Sure. The crowd knows the difference between a prat fall and the real thing. I’m looking for you to combine the two. Giggles and mayhem, so to speak.

ROBERT

So I’ll have a partner in the ring who will take the prat falls?

TRENT

You got it! We’re going to get ’em on the edge of their seats and keep ’em there! Give ’em a spectacle they wouldn’t soon forget!

ROBERT

I’ll give it my all! I only hope I don’t disappoint you.

TRENT

You better not! Between you and me, I’ve got a new backer, who’ll shell out the really big bucks, soon as all the pieces fit together. We have to prove ourselves.

ROBERT

How do we do that?

Trent pulls out his pocket watch.

TRENT

Look at the time. Walk with me.

The men leave the wagon.

EXT. CARNIVAL TENT – NIGHT

A big tent, crowds filing in. Above the entrance, a hand painted sheet flaps. We see a clown wearing a tutu standing in a boxing ring with his dukes up against a kangaroo.

ROBERT

Now I get it! One of the clowns will be wearing a kangaroo suit!

TRENT

The suit don’t come off.

ROBERT

No? I think I know why.

TRENT

No, you don’t. Bottom line? It’s better to keep the world guessing. Things stay fresh that way. ‘Roos name in John L. After the great fighter. Now don’t hurt him. He likes to feel like he’s in charge and he’s worth a fortune. But make it look real. Give the crowd a show!

ROBERT

What? No! I’m not going to fight a helpless animal.

TRENT

Oh, he’s not helpless. Those feet can deliver a mean punch. Just use your footwork. Dance him around the ring until he’s starting to get tired. But not until he’s delivered few punches your way. You know what I mean. Make it look real. The crowd loves a good ass kicking!

[Laurie Stoner]

EXT. CARNIVAL TRAILER, DUST BOWL ERA, NEBRASKA – NIGHT

Shabby furnishings, but there’s a faded glory to the purple velvet couch, leather chairs and carved oak desk.

TRENT, carnival empresario, goes over the books. Shakes his head in disgust. He unlocks a money box, takes out a meager roll of cash and counts it into piles.

A KNOCK. Trent quickly puts the money back, puts the box in a drawer and locks it.

TRENT

Come in!

ROBERT, a newly hired circus clown, enters, wearing longies and a tutu.

TRENT

Just the man I want to see.

ROBERT

I’m ready to go on, sir. Did I do something wrong?

TRENT

Not at all. Sit, sit.

Trent pours 2 glasses of whisky and offers Robert a cigar. Lights it for him.

ROBERT

It’s not my birthday. To what do I owe the honor?

TRENT

It’s your first night. I wanted to show how glad I am ya joined our little big top. Ticket sales are improving. I’m in a good mood so why not show it? Ya ready to go on?

ROBERT

Yes, sir.

TRENT

Good, so all rehearsed and ready with the rest of the guys?

ROBERT

No, Tom says I should to take my cue from them.

TRENT

He did, did he. I told him to welcome ya with open arms. And you don’t feel welcome I take it?

ROBERT

Times are tough. He’s the troupe leader. They have their own way of doing the act and I don’t want to be seen as taking over or trying to show them up. Tom’s got a right to be leery of me. We’ll get on fine soon as he sees I mean no harm.

TRENT

I’ll remind him.

ROBERT

You’re the boss.

TRENT

Meaning he’ll do what I tell him and like it, by God. But you could’ve set him straight. I heard tell you held your own at one time, bare knuckles, and then went on to fight with the gloves. You could’ve show ’em what’s what, if you’d had a mind.

ROBERT

I don’t do that anymore. I try to keep to myself and not ruffle any feathers.

TRENT

Ruffle ’em I say! What was your record in the ring?

ROBERT

I don’t recall.

TRENT

Come on now. Don’t be modest. If what I heard is true —

ROBERT

Sure, I could tell you a few tales, over glass or two, but those days are behind me. When I take a punch now it’s for pretend, to keep the parents and kids happy.

TRENT

The crowd likes a clown act, prat falls, big shoes, silly stunts, but I’m looking for more.

ROBERT

From me?

TRENT

I asked myself what would get ’em on the edge of their seats and keep ’em there? Give ’em a spectacle they wouldn’t soon forget? Something marquee?

ROBERT

You obviously have something in mind. If you want to change the act…

TRENT

I do. And I got myself a new backer already reeled in, who’ll shell out, soon as I tell ’em all the pieces are together.

ROBERT

What’s missing? Props?

Trent pulls out his pocket watch.

TRENT

Look at the time. Walk with me, my good man. You’ll see for yourself.

The men leave the wagon.

EXT. CARNIVAL TENT – NIGHT

A big tent, crowds filing in. Above the entrance, a painted sheet flaps, a clown in a boxing ring with his dukes up against a kangaroo.

ROBERT

Oh! I didn’t know you had a new act. The guys didn’t mention it.

TRENT

Didn’t want to spoil their fun.

ROBERT

Why not?

TRENT

Tis better to keep things spontaneous. Stay fresh that way. ‘Roos name is John L. After the great fighter. Now don’t hurt him, son. He’s gotta feel like he’s in charge. Make it look real though.

ROBERT

Wait a minute. You want me to fight him?

TRENT

It’ll be fine. You know your stuff. Just use your footwork and dance around the ring until he’s tired. Let him get in a few punches, if you know what I mean. Make it look real. The crowd loves a good ass kickin’ but stay light on your feet!

[Laurie Stoner]

Title: Laurie’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that brainstorming and incorporating these interest techniques really makes a huge difference. It not only elevates my writing, it makes it more exciting and fun.

The essence of the scene (still in play format) is that Hannah has given up hope because she can’t see to paint but Erin won’t let her die without exploring the possibilities she still has for creativity in her life.

Suspense – what will Hannah do with all of the pills on the nightstand? What is Erin going to do to convince her to live?

Major twist – Erin offers to be Hannah’s “eyes” so she can paint again

Surprise – Erin can see what is in Hannah’s mind’s eye

Superior Position / Dramatic Irony – we know Prince blinded Hannah but she doesn’t know what happened

Uncertainty — hope / fear – we alternate between fear that Hannah will take her own life to hope she won’t.

SCENE 3 – Hannah’s Loft Studio – Night

Black swirling smoke. Roaring wind. A goat braying. PRINCE storms out of the smoke pursued by ERIN.

PRINCE

I warn you. Do not vex me further.

ERIN

Strike me down! Smite me, for I will no longer do your bidding. I am done, my duty fulfilled.

PRINCE

There is no done, nor duty fulfilled. Challenge me again, and you will feel the full weight and breadth of my wrath.

ERIN

I welcome it! Unleash it upon me now. Put an end to my misery for I cannot, will not, live another moment without hope of a better future. Give me oblivion! I demand it!

PRINCE

Begone. You are not worth my time.

ERIN

I will not be ignored. If you will not grant me the oblivion I seek I will — I will find a way to do it myself!

PRINCE

Pitiful fool! If there were a path that led out of eternal damnation, would I not have taken it myself? We are beyond redemption, you and I. Once the woman has died by her own hand, so shall she be.

ERIN

No! Why must it be so? Our punishment was determined long ago but hers? Where is it written that she must also be condemned? There is a path for her, if not for you and I, and I will help her find it.

PRINCE

How? Blow in her ear? Tickle her fancy? You are powerless.

Prince laughs and exits. Erin brays with frustration. Smoke clears. Erin stands alone in Hannah’s studio. Demetri and Hannah lie asleep in bed. The sound awakens Hannah but not Demetri, who is deaf to it. Hannah sits up, instinctively looks around. Erin spins around and stops braying. Hannah gradually shakes it off. She gropes for the pill bottle on the nightstand, fumbles it open.

ERIN

If only there were a way to warn you!

HANNAH

Warn me of what?

Erin is shocked. She leans cautiously over Hannah.

ERIN

You heard me speak?

HANNAH

Who’s there?

ERIN

A spirit from beyond the grave.

HANNAH

Then I’m already dead!

She shakes the bill bottle. The rattle of pills confuses her.

ERIN

Feel your heart beat, the breath in your lungs. You are alive and will remain so if you know what is good for you.

Hannah reaches out toward Erin but feels nothing. She touches Demetri, still asleep beside her. He breathes deeply, rolls over.

HANNAH

Why are you here? To haunt me?

ERIN

I am a spirit, not a ghost. I am here to guide you, Hannah —

HANNAH

Guide me — wait. How do you know my name?

ERIN

I know! And what’s more, I know your plight, for I share it. You feel an all abiding sense of doom, without a future, compelled to live a miserable existence with no hope of salvation! You crave oblivion! Ah, sweet freedom from the terrible loneliness that engulfs your spirit. Death would be such a welcome end, a lovely respite from your despair– if only…

HANNAH

Finish it.

ERIN

Dear Hannah, if you die by your own hand, your body will cease to exist, alleviating your physical pain, but your soul will endure in endless agony.

HANNAH

Why? I don’t believe that.

ERIN

That is your prerogative, but I bear witness to the truth of it.

HANNAH

And you expect me to take your word for it? The word of an unhappy spirit from beyond the grave?

ERIN

Your belief is not required, but you would do well to heed my words. Humans are physical beings, and like all physical beings they are born, live a certain life span, and die. If their physical begin ceases due to natural causes, in the fullness of time, their spirits will be set free to live on forever in joy, but if you die by your own hand, your spirit will not be set free and it will be my unenviable task to escort it to hell.

HANNAH

I’m already in hell!

ERIN

A mere figure of speech. You have no idea what the real hell is like, Hannah. It is not a physical place but a nasty state for a spirit to occupy. I do not mean to minimize the mental anguish you feel – being sightless for the rest of your life is a painful to contemplate but your anguish will diminish over time whereas the pain you will experience at being excluded from joy will never end.

HANNAH

Do you hear yourself? Where do you get off — You have no idea what I’m feeling. I’m an artist. My vision is what defined me. If I can’t see anymore, I have no reason to exist!

ERIN

Then you must find a new reason.

HANNAH

Fuck you!

ERIN

Your anger is misplaced. I am trying to help you, Hannah.

HANNAH

Why do you care!

ERIN

Good question. This is new to me. In all of the millennia of mankind’s existence, I have never interfered before, not once, but you heard me speak, Hannah! You and I? We are now entwined. I believe divine providence has sent me to you– to dissuade you to live your life to the fullest. There can be no other explanation!

HANNAH

And If I don’t listen to you, and go ahead with my plan, you’re saying I will be damned forever. Like being blind isn’t punishment enough? For a sin I didn’t commit! This is bullshit. I don’t believe you were sent here by divine provenance. You’re just a bored spirit with nothing better to do. Lost! Like a ghost who wanders around with unfinished business.

ERIN

But if you’re wrong…

HANNAH

Doesn’t matter. My mind is made up. Leave me alone.

ERIN

But if I’m right, Hannah! Are you are willing to risk your immortal soul to find out? Why not wait a bit? Give yourself a few days to explore with me.

HANNAH

Explore what?

ERIN

If you are not willing to do so then I shall bid you farewell, but not good-bye, for we shall meet again very soon!

Erin storms out.

HANNAH

Fine!

Hannah defiantly dumps the pills into her hand. Grabs the water bottle.

HANNAH

Who does she think she is? A spirit from beyond the grave who brays like a donkey! Give me a break. Besides, I’m a good person. I’ve never done a single bad thing in my life, well, not anything rotten. I’ve never hurt anyone on purpose. If I don’t want to live in the dark for the rest of my life I shouldn’t have to. It’s my choice and I’m going through with it. I didn’t have a say in my birth but I sure as hell have one about when I’m going to die and I’m not going to be punished if there’s any justice in this world!

Erin storms back.

ERIN

I do not sit in judgment! That is not my role — But I have agonized over this question for far longer than you have, and concluded that it is not a question of right or wrong, good or evil, but of choice. Life is a great gift but one that comes with a caveat– you must live it out.

HANNAH

Even when the gift turns into a piece of shit? Huh uh, I’m not buying it,

ERIN

Yes, even when life appears to be a pile of dung, you may find a pony in there. You feel your life is worthless at the moment because you are blind, but if you are willing to accept your fate as part of a greater plan, a new source of happiness will arise, I promise you,!

HANNAH

I will never by happy if I have to live in this black box for the rest of my life. It’s not happening. I know that with every fiber of my being.

ERIN

The irony is, I would change places with you in a heartbeat.

HANNAH

Because you’re already dead!

ERIN

Not dead. For the last time, I was not born of flesh as you were. I was never a human being. I was created as a fully enlightened free spirit, or so I thought. Two paths were laid before me. All I had to do was choose the right one. But alas, I chose the wrong one, not out of agony or despair, but out of hubris. And ever since that fateful moment, I have longed for another chance! For it was a false choice, made with bad judgment. Do you understand what I’m saying? You only get one chance to get it right, Hannah. If only I had been warned as I am warning you. If only someone wiser had made me listen.

HANNAH

And you’re that wiser person. Said the spirit whose downfall was hubris.

ERIN

You take immense pride in your art? You say you are nothing without it? I rejected the light because I thought I was my own light. Obviously, we have a great deal in common.

HANNAH

I didn’t reject the light. It burnt my retinas.

Erin brays. Storms around the room.

ERIN

Don’t be dense. The light I speak of is not from without, but from within. It is an all-encompassing light, a presence you feel with your whole being, the light of truth, of belonging to something greater, a light that makes you know you’re alive and connected to others! Then I lost it, gone in an instant. I will never forget the feeling of light inside of me, and I will always regret losing it.

HANNAH

I still have no idea what you’re talking about.

ERIN

I know! I lack the words to convince you…

HANNAH

You’re wasting your time.

Hannah raises the pills to her lips. Erin impulsively slaps them out of her hand. They are both shocked.

HANNAH

I thought you were only a voice in my head! You’re real?

[Laurie Stoner]

Title: Laurie Profiles People

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that extreme traits make a character more interesting because they make extreme choices and take extreme actions which not only ups their subtext but the audience’s interest level… and it takes a lot of planning and rewriting to get these traits to show up in everything they say and do.

Person 1 – brilliant, charming, grandiose, manipulative

Person 2 – vibrant, ambitious, narcissistic, stubborn

Person 3 – vivacious, flirtatious, lying, scheming

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is that searching for the essence is a creative way to work that goes far beyond editing.

Script I choose: When Lightning Strikes

Scene 1 Location: Hannah’s Loft Art Studio – Night
Logline: Hannah and Demetri argue about whether to cancel the upcoming art show.
Essence I’ve discovered: It’s really about their failing relationship. They want different things and they have never had the intimacy to discuss these differences so it’s coming to a head with the art show.
New Logline: The upcoming art show strains Hannah’s and Demetri’s failing relationship to the breaking point.

Scene 2 Location: Hannah’s Loft – Day (after her accidental blinding)
Logline: Hannah and Demetri try to deal with what happened in the park and its aftermath.
Essence I’ve discovered: Since Hannah and Demetri don’t have the kind of relationship that can deal with tragedy it signals their doom.
New Logline: After Hannah’s accident which left her blind and unable to paint, it becomes apparent that Hannah’s and Demetri’s relationship will not withstand her losing her eye sight.

Scene 3 Location: Hades – Night
Logline: Erin demands Prince let her out of her role of ferrying suicide victims to hell
Essence I’ve discovered: Erin desperately needs hope for a better future
New Logline: Erin seeks a better future but won’t get it from Prince

Scene 4 Location: Hannah’s Loft Studio – Night
Logline: Erin tries to convince Hannah that suicide won’t free her from pain
Essence I’ve discovered: Human connection is what gives life meaning and joy.
New Logline: Erin begins to build a relationship with Hannah that will give them both hope.

Scene 5 Location: Hannah’s Loft – Day
Logline: Erin coaxes Hannah into creating a painting
Essence I’ve discovered: Surrendering to a new way of thinking opens your heart and mind so that our limitations don’t keep us from happiness
New Logline: Erin helps Hannah take the first steps to live with her disability

<hr size=”1″ width=”100%” align=”center”>

[Laurie Stoner]

Laurie Stoner finds the Essence

What I learned is to look for the essence beneath the action and the dialogue on the page to reveal what the scene is truly about.

Searching for Bobby Fischer

1. Opening Montage of Bobby Fischer beating Spasky, the famous Russian chess master.

Logline: A young boy (Josh) narrates what led up to Bobby Fischer’s triumph over the Russian chess master and his sudden disappearance from the world.

Essence: the young boy feels a mystical wizardry in Spasky akin to that of Merlin.

2. Ext. Washington Square – Day (mid first act)

Logline: Josh is exposed to speed chess in the park.

Essence: Josh is captivated by the sense of fun and comradery the men share while playing the game.

3. Int. Manhattan Chess Club – Day

Logline: Fred (Josh’s dad) hires Pandolfini to coach Josh. (early second act)

Essence: Fred want to develop Josh’s gift for the game although he says it’s because Josh enjoys it.

4. Manhattan Chess Club – Day (late second act)

Logline: Josh returns to the club after winning his first trophy

Essence: Josh wants to have fun in the park but Pandolfini wants to review the moves Josh made. It’s about winning not enjoyment.

5. Int. Banquet Room – Day

Logline: Josh moves into the finale of a prestigious tournament. He offers the other player a draw when he knows he’s got him beat.

Essence: Josh is a kind boy who doesn’t need to win at all costs. He has compassion for others.

Poe stares dumbly at Josh’s outstretched hand.

Josh: I’m offering you a draw.

Poe: You’ve got to be kidding

Josh: You’ve lost you just don’t know it. I’ve got you beat.

Poe: You’ve got me beat? Look at the board.

Josh: I have. It’s mate in 16 and it’s going to kill you. Take the draw and we’ll share the championship.

Poe: You can’t hustle me. Move.

And it plays out as you’d expect. Poe is crushed. Josh moves on to mentor a younger kid. For him, the game is about sharing, connection, and fun.

[Laurie Stoner]

Mary “Laurie” Stoner

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

0

[Laurie Stoner]

Hi Everyone, I’m Laurie Stoner and delighted to be back. I’ve been writing screenplays for 20 years years, have taken most class offerings, written 20+ scripts, and produced and directed numerous shorts. I moderated a screenwriting group in Sarasota, FL for many years and loved the collaboration. During the pandemic I took the contained screenwriting class and switched to writing plays which opened up a whole new world. I’m adapting a recent play into a screenplay and hope this class will give me the tools to do that well. I recently moved to Atlanta to be close to family and gave up my 300 orchid plants. Unlike Magic Mike, I’m back and I don’t plan on this being my last dance.

[Laurie Stoner]

Brandy does more that betray Philip she exacts revenge! I found Brandy to be deceptive and absolutely vengeful rather than needy. She does not accept Philip’s denial and believes he’s guilty because his face turning red is evidence of his guilt. I also found her stubborn and self-righteous. In the setup, we are told she is status seeking and desperately needs the recognition of finding the sunk ship, but it isn’t shown. I felt her rivalry with Emily was jealousy-driven. I the opening had showed Brandy finding Emily’s photo and confronting her, and she doesn’t deny she slept with Philip (and the Q & A between Brandy and Philip was omitted), we’d be hooked with a mystery and feel the suspense of what Brandy is going to do. Would a needy person exact this kind of revenge? I’m not sure. After Security is called, and the photos are found in Philip’s possession (if we weren’t shown she was the one who cut them out), and we see her secretly pocketing the scissors, it would be bigger reveal. One other note: When Brandy says, “you
owe me, Philip” – it doesn’t hit home because we don’t know their history. Why does he owe her? Maybe “You owe me the truth after all the work you got me to do to build your career!” That would indicate both her status seeking trait and acknowledge that she knows he has manipulated her to get what he wants.

[Laurie Stoner]

Good job with the max interest techniques! Your setup gave us <font face=”inherit”>dramatic irony, the setting was interesting, i </font>experienced<font face=”inherit” class=””> some alternating hope/fear during with Brandy and her coach’s exchange although it fell when the police arrived. Her dilemma of not wanting to cheat but also wanting to win was clear, and of course the betrayal of her coach was on point. Since it looks like the coach was caught, I don’t think it included a big cliffhanger. </font>

With respect to character and dialogue, I thought Brandy was status seeking, deceptive and I found her subtext. Her dialogue was entertaining and funny but I didn’t find her needy. I thought she was determined!

Philip was a bit manipulative, and I suspect he felt entitled to have her cheat so he has a sense of entitlement but I don’t think he expressed any guilt. I think Philip’s role could be stronger in the scene so he plays an equal role with more hope and fear.

[Laurie Stoner]

Hi Hilton,

Character traits I spotted:

Renee: devious/lying, controlling, outgoing, but not especially conforming

Maxine: tricky, paranoid, but not snobbish or emotionally wounded even though she tells us she’s getting over the breakup – maybe because she comes across as even more devious than Renee.

Both women’s’ subtext is in their dialogue. Could there also be an action or character introduction that would indicate their subtext?

Interest techniques: I found prediction, anticipatory dialogue, and a mystery about what they were sparring over. I didn’t find the hook, a dilemma, something unseen, an uncomfortable moment, or a cliffhanger. In the last line Maxine says, “You never know what might happen” which I thought was a prediction but not a cliffhanger. Maybe if the CEO she slept with walks in with someone from HR which would create an uncomfortable moment and the HR person suggests they know what went on between them?

[Laurie Stoner]

I agree with all of Andrew’s comments. I also got sidetracked trying to follow who was who and determining their character traits in the dialogue. I thought maybe the rabbits were something unseen but I wasn’t sure. I noted that you incorporated most of the rest of the interest techniques as well. I applaud you for writing this when English isn’t your native language!

[Laurie Stoner]

I also enjoyed the scene. My notes: Nancy is primarily confrontational and stubborn. I didn’t spot her scheming or caring trait or her covert competitiveness – she comes right out with it. Squire is primarily seductive and a bit evasive. Nancy wasn’t going to buy anything he said, so I’d add that she has trust issues or a suspicious nature. I loved the climax of the scene when he asks to copy her notes (thus validating her suspicions!) but I agree we could use a cliffhanger that could involve whether she will show up at the dance. I saw anticipatory dialogue, a future, the uncomfortable moment but no dilemma, unless Squire says something to a buddy in the setup which implies his need to turn her around.

[Laurie Stoner]

Very enjoyable scene! Nancy’s confrontational and stubborn traits came through very strongly and she asserts that she’s caring rather than showing it, but she’s a cub! Her scheming trait was more overt than covert but it was certainly there. Squire is a bit evasive, and certainly selfish, as well as happy-go-lucky but not particularly seductive, although he is a charming little guy. I was hooked by the coming of winter, the dilemma they faced in order to survive the storm while obtaining the honey. Mama Bear certainly made a prediction about what was coming. The bees were unseen. Nancy has several occasions of anticipatory dialogue and the presence of humans certainly sets us up for trouble. It gets mighty uncomfortable when Squire is shot and the cubs are covered with bees. The scene ends on a cliffhanger of what will happen next and how badly hurt Squire is. Nice job!

[Laurie Stoner]

Brilliant twist at the end of the scene! Not exactly a fight, but with the well-written setup of the letter I thought it paid off nicely. I also thought you made good use of setting, suspense, mislead/revel, and character change. I found both characters’ subtext, but the character traits in the dialogue were quite subtle, mostly q & a. I suggest making another pass to make their traits stronger.

[Laurie Stoner]

Andrew, with respect to the comment you made on my thread about Nick’s discovering he loves her during the scene is difficult. Wouldn’t it require a different setup? Nick’s first line is how he could make John’s fall look like an accident. Even conniving guy who is also giving, would he threaten to murder John if he didn’t love her? Maybe, if you rework Nick’s line at the end of the scene from “You’ve shown me you don’t love her; you don’t even know what love means” to “You’ve shown me you don’t love her, and since I now know how much I do, you’ve left me no choice…”

[Laurie Stoner]

Hey Andrew,

This is a strong scene with a great setting full of suspense and alternating hope/fear. I found all of the character traits, with John’s distrustful nature and Nick’s conniving trait warring with his giving trait being the most used. Where I struggled a bit was with ascertaining the essence. In the setup we get that Nick brought John up there to learn if John really loves Jess, but why he’s doing this wasn’t clear to me, although the essence statement says it’s because Nick loves Jess. He wants John to let him test Jess’s fidelity as a way of testing Jess’s love for him or for John’s love for her? Or is he just manipulating John into admitting he proposed to Jess but doesn’t really love her and he is only going through with it because of his loyalty trait? (I struggled with what seemed like these contradictions, too.) Maybe if you started the scene with a text from Jess to Nick that she’s worried she’s making a mistake and needs his help to know what to do or ended the scene with a stronger line than John’s “Shit. You really do want to bang her” to express that John has a character change but it’s probably too late.

[Laurie Stoner]

Hi Shelley,

I noted the character traits and interest techniques in the scene as I read

Shelley’s rewrite QE Cycle #2 for critique:

LOGLINE: After his client dies on the mountain, John, the ski instructor implicated, must prove Nick is the one the investigator is looking for before it’s too late. Note: I don’t understand who is who —

NICK, (29) a large Nordic ski instructor navigates through rows of empty tables. JOHN, (36), a patrolman, hangs back, his pale blue eyes sharply scanning the room. Prompted by Nick, John follows with a cautious wolfish stride. Note: he logline says John is the ski instructor?

JOHN

Why are you worrying about me, dude, it’s not your business, I can work this out. Note: Loner trait

NICK

Hey, look around you, do you see anyone else who’s got your back? Note: Disagreeing – Conniving?

Stop trying to do it yourself, this is serious, let me help. (laughing) I’ll put money down for your bail. Note: Giving but he’s not serious about it

JOHN
I’ve always been there for you, but, come on, you’ve got to be kidding… and I’m to believe you, with your past deceptions? Note: Distrustful but Loyal

NICK

Those were the old days, long past, I couldn’t have gotten on the ski patrol if I was still drinking.

JOHN

Yeah, right. The truth. I wonder who’d you pay off? You know full on it is always the same, one beer, and you’re in the hole again. And you’re a cheating drunk. Note: Confrontational – to get Nick to show his worst side but the thing about drinking seems to come out of the blue.

NICK

5 years sober last Wednesday.

JOHN

Well, I’ve been hearing otherwise.

NICK (caught in his lie)

Fuck ‘em if they can’t take it! – Note: rebellious

JOHN

Look, a million bucks say you had something to do with it—time to take off the Superman suit. Is it any coincidence you arrived even before I called a code red? I’m railroaded because I left my jacket to keep the old guy warm. You were still there when I left skiing down the gnarliest conditions to arrange for the ambulance. Note: Unsure of trait here. I don’t understand the Superman remark.

LUCY (21) comes out of the kitchen all dolled up, dressed in a chef’s apron.

LUCY

Hey boys. What’s up lover-(kisses Nick). You guys still at it? Note: Didn’t they just come in?

JOHN

Hey Luce. (turns back to Nick) You moonlight for the guy. I wouldn’t have taken him up the mountain if I knew he was sick. Nick, you know more than you tell and wanting more from the old guy. Note: Confused. Why would a patrolman take an old guy up the mountain?

NICK

God help you. You’ll need help with your storytelling if you want to get out of this one because you knew he couldn’t do a black diamond. Note: Conniving trait, but I’m still confused about what was John’s involvement before the accident happened.

JOHN

Hey man (putting his arm on Nick’s), how would I have known he couldn’t do a black diamond…maybe it’s time to tell the truth behind your story. Note: As a patrolman why wouldn’t he know that it was very dangerous?

NICK

Lucy, will you please set this loner straight? Note: Telling us the loner trait – dialogue doesn’t follow from above.

LUCY (lightheartedly, with a quick conspiratorial smile)

John, I was with Nick, don’t you remember? Sure, it was foggy towards the bottom of the mountain, with two feet of fresh powder at the top. People were having fun. Hey, I’m going to see you later in the kitchen for tonight’s function, right? You promised.

NICK

What’s going on here? (jokingly) John, you have my permission to take my lady into the kitchen.

JOHN

Are you jealous? Look, I committed to helping Luce in the kitchen before all this happened. But we’re not done with this conversation. There’s something off here, and I will find out what it is.

Nick grabs Lucy around the waist and pulls her close, revealing tattoos on her arm. Note: Intentional or incidental reveal. Mislead?

JOHN

Hey, wait a minute… that’s it! Luce, that last ink you got says it- the one Nick really didn’t like – what does it say?

NICK (interrupting)

What are you talking about? Leave her out of this!

JOHN

Luce, you know something, I can see it in your eyes. (Lucy looks away, throwing a casual glance at Nick)

NICK

Her name is Lucy. (turns to Lucy) I don’t know how you put up with this guy. Doesn’t trust anybody, not even his friends. There’s no evidence, John. They are not going to put you in jail. Note: I don’t understand where this is coming from.

JOHN

I’m taking a big risk here. The patrol does the trail checks and handles the mountain signage, but the sign was missing. The old man was ahead of me and didn’t know it was a black diamond until he dropped in. By then it was too late. Note: Seems to disagree with what he said above.

NICK

(quickly start leading Lucy away) Come on, Hun, let’s leave this loser. Once a loner, always a loner. Note: Another loner comment.

LUCY

Nick, enough. I have proof of your involvement. I found this note in the snow after they took the old man down in the gurney. Don’t you recognize it? This is the note you gave the old man, it must have fallen out of his pocket that day.

(NICK turns to Lucy) Sweetie, you must be mistaken. I’ve never seen this note, in fact…

JOHN

Admit it Nick? You are a conniving asshole. You knew the old guy was sick. You set this up.

LUCY

Nick, I ain’t going anywhere with you unless you admit this whole thing was another one of your schemes. The note proves it.

NICK
(laughing) Oh yeah, right, I admit nothing.

Nick suddenly whips around, grabbing John by the neck.

NICK CON’T)

Why, you worthless piece of shit! I hope they hang you!

JOHN
Hey, you’d be wise to let go schmuck- and look around you. Meet ALL MY friends.

NICK

You ain’t got no friends, dude.

A group of ski patrolmen gathers, with other locals menacingly encircling Nick. Trying one more time to side-punch John, John dodges the blow. Nick, missing, is thrown off balance, and slips, cracking his head on the nearby ski rack. Trapped, eyes wild, blood streams down his face.

The gang of locals jumps in, grabbing Nick. Cackling loudly, they hang him by his parka on the ski rack. The crowd cheers John on as the investigative team arrives. In a full curtsy, Lucy hands the implicating note to the investigator in charge.

JOHN (admiringly, turns towards Lucy)

It’s about time…thanks, Luce, I couldn’t have done it without you… and the gang.

John gives her a hot kiss on the lips, lifting her arm, showing her tattoo, “THE TRUTH REVEALS ALL.”

LUCY (reaching for John’s hand)

Come on babe, let’s go, we got a flock to feed tonight. (Turning towards Nick) Hell, he’s finally gonna to get more than just hanging on the rack.

Summary: I found all of the character traits but John’s “daring” trait. Interest techniques: I found suspense, a twist when John reveals he has friends, one of whom is Nicks’ girlfriend, so that’s a betrayal, and I was intrigued to learn what was going on between these guys!

However, I struggled to understand Nick’s motivation. From his subtext, we know that he loves manipulating people, but I wanted to know why (because of his giving trait) that he would have taken advantage of a sick old man on a dangerous ski slope? Is he that evil, or was he drinking? Is that what John was trying to get him to admit? And why is Nick pretending to help John get off the hook if he knows he’s is the one who is guilty? Because he’s so confident? I didn’t catch that, but it makes sense.

— ESSENCE: A lone wolf must rely on friendship in order to reveal the truth

Maybe rethink this essence? John is a loner who relies on his friends to reveal that Nick is responsible requires John to have had a character change prior to this scene. We don’t get to see how he got all these friends to come to his aid so it’s a total surprise. John knows the truth about the note from Lucy so his subtext is to trick Nick into showing his worst side – which he does, but not because of his distrust of people anymore.

Maybe have Lucy read the note before the guys enter to create dramatic irony?