Neil Werenskjold
Forum Replies Created
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What I learned doing this assignment is how to consider characters by the three levels of importance.
Circle of Characters for Scandal
Main Characters: Olive and Steve Pope, News Reporter Abby Wheldan
Connected Circle: DA Dave, Cyrus Beene, Harrison Wright, Quinn, President of USA, Judge, Stacy
Environment Circle: Madome, Tec Guy, Gate Guard, extra’s in court room, Stacy President’s wife, Mr and Ms Keating
My screenplay three circles of characters for Military Family Blues is:
Main Character Circle:
BILL WOLF works on Base as a program manager, Technical Sargent in the Air Force Reserves Civil Engineering Squadron, crafty, production minded, and is a finisher, he finishes what he or someone started, come hell or high water, or if necessary, by bending the rules sometimes.
MARY WOLF runs her own home daycare for preschool children, gifted at working and teaching children to read, fosters curiosity in children to want to learn and teach each other.
SAMATHA (SAM) BROWNING unemployed, life hardened Staff Sargent in the Air Force Reserves Civil Engineering Squadron, prides herself for doing a good job, follows the rules but will cross a line once in a while.
TOM BROWNING Fireman for the city, will charge into burning buildings if someone needs too, follows the rules, gets tempted once in a while, and honestly tries to do what’s right all the time.
Connected Circle: SSgt DENNIS (BOBO) BOHUNGAR, Sgt HARTMAN, and SSgt MARIO ROJAS.
Environmental Circle: FIRST SARGENT OF THE CIVIL ENGINEERING SQUADRON, COMMANDER OF THE CIVIL ENGINEERING SQUADRON, HOSPITAL INFORMATION LADY, HOSPITAL NURSE, EXTRAS in Civil engineering Squadron, and Hospital. -
1. Your name. Neil Werenskjold
2. The words “I agree to the terms of the GROUP RELEASE FORM BELOW.”
3. GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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“What I learned doing this assignment is these five points need to be in a series if it is going to snare an audience and hold on to their attention.”
Project: Scandal
Big Picture Hooks
Ask this: What is the big hook of this show? A Black woman being in control at the highest level of society.
Amazing and Intriguing Character
Ask this: What makes these main characters intriguing and interesting? For me nothing. I suppose to others seeing, a black woman operate at the high levelest political level of our country is interesting.
Empathy / Distress
Ask this: What situation causes us to feel both empathy and distress for this character? Olivia Pope is portrayed as a strong woman but has no control over her personal life and involvement with the President.
Layers / Open Loops
Ask this: What questions are created by this first episode that can only be answered by watching the entire season? How her affair with the President started knowing he was married and continues despite the fact he is married.
Inviting Obsession
Ask this: How does this pilot create the need to see every single episode? “We are not a law firm because we do not follow the rules”, how is this obsession going to impact all their lives. -
Hi everyone, I am Neil Werenskjold. I’ve got two scripts written but ready for overhaul. I want good direction so I can produce something that producers will see as marketable. I am retired Air Force, married 51 years, spirited, I get the job done, come hell or high water, or today high snow. I live in Utah, but we are selling and moving to the hill country north of San Antonio, Texas, to be with our great grands, and family down there.
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My protagonists tend to learn on the fly, just like Clarice. My antagonists tend to have a fixed goal and only change when my protagonists make adjustments in response to the antagonists, as the stakes grow. At first I thought Hannibal did not change, but his changes are very subtile mind exploit changes. That is interesting and I need to think about this much more.
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CM Week 2 Day 5: Attraction – A STAR IS BORN
What drama is this scene built around?
Ally is working her ass off, lost in the “shallow” end of life, longing for some kind of change. Jack is making it big, but for what? A lot of money? He needs someone that cares for him. He is longing for some kind of change as well. He has a hole in his heart that needs to be filled.
What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?
Ally– Wounded by shallow life, hard-working, never giving up, but with no end in sight, her shallow. Her natural talent lurks in her mind wanting to breakout, but she has little confidence or understanding of what she needs to do. She needs a mentor.
Jack – Kind-hearted and hard-working, but empty in life now, he has reached his goal in life to tour and rock audiences, but something is missing. He is not sure what it is until he meets Ally. Jack can’t help himself. He wants to mentor her, maybe not realizing at first that she could be so much more to him personally. The writer expertly pays out the growing relationship as it slowly breaks into something fantastic in front of a sold-out audience.
Where do you see attraction show up for Ally?
First, in the parking lot, then dragging her out on stage to sing with him. He listens to her and responds so encouragingly. No one in the music business has ever taken her seriously. She just keeps living in the shallow with little hope of knowing what to do next, much less making it to a place where she can sing her aching heart out. Jack is looking into her eyes deep and listening to her. Then on stage, they harmonize, so wholly breaking through the surface of what was keeping them in their individual shallows of their lives.
Where do you see attraction show up for Jack?
Jack is trapped in his shallow of making it all right, but now that he has reached his dream to tour, life has gone empty. He needs something but does not seem to know what it is until he stops at the bar. Then in the parking lot, he sees someone with the talent he can relate to. She is genuine. Ally is not the run-of-the-mill female groupie, dying to party with him. Ally is on a whole different level. She is a natural songwriter and man, can she belt out a song with all the passion needed for a singer an audience will love.
But most importantly, the song she wrote on the spot… she wrote it for him. They begin to relate so profoundly. She simply defines her life’s endless emptiness with the word shallow. The joy of them breaking out of their shallow places by finding each other hits them deeply. Their spontaneous harmony shatters their shallow parts of their lives, proving they can lift up each other. They are made for each other.
What is causing that attraction?
They both realize the other can fill the hole in each other’s hearts and hopefully never hit bottom again.
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CM Week 2 Day 4: Triangle – OCEAN’S 11
What I learned rewriting my scene/character I have incorporated this double in my screenplay Military Family Blues. It is so much fun exploring the possibilities that are interesting and easily relatable to an audience. This application is powerful because of the stakes. I need to learn how to think about my stories so they have higher stakes. Because I write stories loosely from my life experiences, I have to fight being too closely tied to the actual events and people.
Tess and Danny, it sounds like they are still married. Danny still loves her and is scared for Tess being with Terry Benedict because he knows he is only letting her hang around with him to get back at Danny. Tess thinks Terry really cares for her.
What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two characters’ words and actions?
Danny is not easily intimidated, has a heart to do the right thing, and is willing to mastermind a colossal operation to show Tess that Terry is a Benedict Arnold. Danny knows Terry will dump Tess in a heartbeat if she does not completely be a slave to him. The problem is that Danny has to rebuild his reputation now that he is out of jail.
Tess has a smart-ass wit, has had a hard life, and enjoys the relief of not worrying about her own care security. She has experienced a lousy event being married to Danny. She thinks she will not have to deal with anything as bad as what she suffered through when Danny went to jail, leaving her strained.
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CM Week 2 Day 4: Triangle – OCEAN’S 11
What I learned rewriting my scene/character I have incorporated this double in my screenplay Military Family Blues. It is so much fun exploring the possibilities that are interesting and easily relatable to an audience. This application is powerful because of the stakes. I need to learn how to think about my stories so they have higher stakes. Because I write stories loosely from my life experiences, I have to fight being too closely tied to the actual events and people.
Tess and Danny, it sounds like they are still married. Danny still loves her and is scared for Tess being with Terry Benedict because he knows he is only letting her hang around with him to get back at Danny. Tess thinks Terry really cares for her.
What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two characters’ words and actions?
Danny is not easily intimidated, has a heart to do the right thing, and is willing to mastermind a colossal operation to show Tess that Terry is a Benedict Arnold. Danny knows Terry will dump Tess in a heartbeat if she does not completely be a slave to him. The problem is that Danny has to rebuild his reputation now that he is out of jail.
Tess has a smart-ass wit, has had a hard life, and enjoys the relief of not worrying about her own care security. She has experienced a lousy event being married to Danny. She thinks she will not have to deal with anything as bad as what she suffered through when Danny went to jail, leaving her strained.
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Week 2 Day 3: Power Struggle – REMEMBER THE TITANS
What I learned rewriting my scene/character? This aspect of my characters has been in my writing from day one. It is my motivation for writing. I see how people misjudge each other and disrespect each other, assuming they know the different side’s values in every situation. Then by jumping right to emotional conclusions without taking the time or the inclination to understand all the issues each side is forced to deal with, they expose their ignorance and show the world how uninformed they are. That is sad on a number of levels.
I just need to continue to learn how to jack up this aspect of my characters.
What makes these characters great from a writing perspective is that it portrays how passion, emotions, and old information that does not apply anymore can blur the best intentions.
Coach is wounded but trying hard to make the transition with his team while trying to maintain order and a winning way forward.
The white players are understandably influenced by their family’s point of view, which is outdated and painfully trying to hold on.
The Black players have the same problem with little hope that things will change even though it is being forced to happen.
A fantastic portrayal of the pain of this transition our country had to experience and encouragement that it has happened and continues to happen as long as we work together in new ways despite the naysayers that try to design all the process that has been made despite all the missteps that come about whenever people move forward in the unknown territory of themselves.
How is this power struggle created?
From IMDB
“Suburban Virginia schools have been segregated for generations. One Black and one White high school are closed and the students sent to T.C. Williams High School under federal mandate to integrate. The year is seen through the eyes of the football team where the man hired to coach the Black school is made head coach over the highly successful white coach. Based on the actual events of 1971, the team becomes the unifying symbol for the community as the boys and the adults learn to depend on and trust each other.”
—LMN13 IMDB
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Week 2 Day 3: Power Struggle – REMEMBER THE TITANS
What I learned rewriting my scene/character? This aspect of my characters has been in my writing from day one. It is my motivation for writing. I see how people misjudge each other and disrespect each other, assuming they know the different side’s values in every situation. Then by jumping right to emotional conclusions without taking the time or the inclination to understand all the issues each side is forced to deal with, they expose their ignorance and show the world how uninformed they are. That is sad on a number of levels.
I just need to continue to learn how to jack up this aspect of my characters.
What makes these characters great from a writing perspective is that it portrays how passion, emotions, and old information that does not apply anymore can blur the best intentions.
Coach is wounded but trying hard to make the transition with his team while trying to maintain order and a winning way forward.
The white players are understandably influenced by their family’s point of view, which is outdated and painfully trying to hold on.
The Black players have the same problem with little hope that things will change even though it is being forced to happen.
A fantastic portrayal of the pain of this transition our country had to experience and encouragement that it has happened and continues to happen as long as we work together in new ways despite the naysayers that try to design all the process that has been made despite all the missteps that come about whenever people move forward in the unknown territory of themselves.
How is this power struggle created?
From IMDB
“Suburban Virginia schools have been segregated for generations. One Black and one White high school are closed and the students sent to T.C. Williams High School under federal mandate to integrate. The year is seen through the eyes of the football team where the man hired to coach the Black school is made head coach over the highly successful white coach. Based on the actual events of 1971, the team becomes the unifying symbol for the community as the boys and the adults learn to depend on and trust each other.”
—LMN13 IMDB
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CM Week 2 Day 2: Worthy Opponents – TOMBSTONE
What I learned rewriting my scene, is where appropriate I need to define my characters by showing the real, not trumped-up, tension between my heroes and their antagonists.
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CM Week 2 Day 1: Belonging Together – Sleepless In Seattle
What I learned is to keep my rewrites up until all my scenes are linked together with “almosts” and near misses. Not bringing the desired outcome until the last scenes. Keep the audience on the edge of their seats.
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Week 2 Day 2: Mismatched Allies – GREEN BOOK
What I learned rewriting my scenes and character is very personal, because I experienced being homeless trying to finish high school and being taken in by a family in an African-American eighteen block part of Tampa. I went from the elite Westchester County New York to this situation in a year and a half. It was hilarious, enlightening, scary, and very sad for me. My wife keeps telling me to write about this experience but I never could find the hook I liked besides the obvious. This screenplay has given me a hook I can work with. That is a breakthrough for me!
What drama is this scene built around?
In 1962, Tony “Tony Lip” Vallelonga, a tough bouncer, is looking for work when his nightclub is closed for renovations. The most promising offer turns out to be the driver for the African-American classical pianist Don Shirley for a concert tour into the Deep South states. Although hardly enthused at working for a black man, Tony accepts the job and they begin their trek armed with The Negro Motorist Green Book, a travel guide for safe travel through America’s racial segregation.
Together, the snobbishly erudite pianist and the crudely practical bouncer can barely get along with their clashing attitudes to life and ideals.
However, as the disparate pair witness and endure America’s appalling injustices on the road, they find a newfound respect for each other’s talents and start to face them together. In doing so, they would nurture a friendship and understanding that would change both their lives. —Kenneth Chisholm (kchishol@rogers.com) IMDB
What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?
Tony – Italian New York Mobster, obvious to me he has lived in his Italian New York Mobster world all his life, seeing and experiencing life through this very real filter. Tony is a surviver that prospers in life by his wits to stay ahead of potential trouble and cash in on pop-up opportunities. His planning is very short sighted and does not consider much out of his norm.
Don Shirley – African-American classical pianist has experienced life quite differently than the vast majority of African-Americans. He has honed his skillsets to the professional level in his protected bubble where he was able to do this. Shirley a polished professional. A consummate planner that leaves little to the unknown but wants to break out and go against the grain for once in his life.
The importance of Perspective
In order to carve a sculpture the artist is forced to think at least three-dimensional. Truth be told there are other aspects artists must employ or think about to turn out a master piece. There is much to consider, so a master craftsman needs to understand all the angles and textures that will effect their work of art.
People getting along together in harmony are masters much the same way as the artist. Harmonious people have learned how to search out how others see things before they come to a final conclusion in a matter that effects people other than themselves. Schools need to teach how to consider other’s viewpoints and conclusions without getting in a negative emotional state of mind, but rather by having fun with different viewpoints. Learning how to adjust your mindset because you have learned new information is an advanced way to live. Or another way to state this concept is, “We must be open minded.” There is one caution we should consider however. “Don’t be so open minded your brains fall out.” Or as the Moody Blues have said, “It’s a question of balance.”
Don Shirley and Tony humorously show what happens when two people learn the balance skillset on the fly. Good on them for coming through all the frustrations and learning how important each other can be if we just learn we all just want the same things in life and focus on helping each other to those ends.
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CM Week 2 Day 1: Belonging Together – Sleepless In Seattle
What I learned is to keep my rewrites up until all my scenes are linked together with “almosts” and near misses. Not bringing the desired outcome until the last scenes.
What causes you to believe these two belong together?
They both are listening to the radio show because they have a hole in their lives.
Notice any similar emotions, words, and actions.
1. They both are not impressed with radio Marsha wanting to be called Dr. Marsha.
2. Both answer together, “Sure you do.”
3. Looks of empathy from Annie listening to Sam talking about his passed wife, Maggie.
4. They obviously need someone. Sam is quiet, but Annie speaks it. “Yes!”
5. Annie is sucked into Sam and Jonah’s story overwhelmingly.· What drama is this scene built around?
IMDB
“After his wife Maggie passes away, Sam Baldwin and his 8-year-old son Jonah relocate from Chicago to Seattle to escape the grief associated with Maggie’s death. Eighteen months later, Sam is still grieving and can’t sleep. Although Jonah misses his mother, he wants his father to get a new wife despite Sam having not even contemplated dating again. On Christmas Eve, Sam (on Jonah’s initiative) ends up pouring his heart out on a national radio talk show about his magical and perfect marriage to Maggie, and how much he still misses her. Among the many women who hear Sam’s story and fall in love with him solely because of it is Annie Reed, a Baltimore-based newspaper writer. Annie’s infatuation with Sam’s story and by association with Sam himself is despite being already engaged. But Annie’s relationship with her straight-laced fiancé Walter is unlike her dream love life in the movie An Affair to Remember (1957). She even writes to Sam, proposing they meet atop the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. Back in Seattle, Sam has received hundreds of letters from women wanting to meet him. Jonah is excited by one letter in particular from Baltimore and will do whatever he needs to to get his father and Annie together. However, old-fashioned Sam wants his future love life to be based on meeting a woman the traditional way, and he, in turn, becomes infatuated with an unknown woman he spots a few times in Seattle. Will magic happen twice in Sam’s life, and if so, will it be with this unknown woman or Annie?” —Huggo
· What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two characters’ words and actions?
As illustrated during the call, they think alike, parroting the same opinions using the exact words!
Brilliant writing! Jeff Arch seems to have set every scene up, so the audience is on the edge of their seats wanting Annie and Sam to come together in the worst way. But Arch expertly teases the audience over and over with unforeseen disconnects. Leaving the audience with tears in their eyes and exhausted as the movie ends. Brilliant work of art!
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Below is the release form. You have one of two choices here:
AGREE, in which case, you Reply to this topic and include three things at the top of the page:
1. Neil Werenskjold
2. The words “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Week 1 Day 4: Secrets and Reveals
What I learned rewriting my scene/character is described below.
Not having ever watched this series, I feel handicapped. These three scenes showing Kate’s secret are a little slim on info. I figured out the marshal dying tipped Jack about Kate being dangerous. But I couldn’t find why the marshal was focused on her. Was he tracking her? Was she his prisoner that he was transporting? I could not tell the marshal’s relationship with Kate. Anyway, Jack finds out about her.
I don’t know whom he told or didn’t tell from the clips, so I don’t know why Sawyer was easing information out of Kate, slowly keeping her guard down and building trust by trying to find what they have in common. He finally gets to the kill-a-man question, and she admits she has. But there is not much context about that in these clips to show why she killed him.
In her reveal showing what she did, I realized that maybe he was an abuser, but I don’t know what pushed her over the edge to kill him. How she killed him shows it was premeditated. Again, I wonder why?
From Sawyer’s “I never” game, we learn a few things about Kate. She drinks, she kisses men, neither have attended college or Disneyland, Sawer wore pink, neither have ever voted, Sawyer has never been in love, Kate has, Sawyer has never been married, Kate has but didn’t last long, Kate makes fun of Sawyer because he apparently blamed a boar for a problem, not sure what that is about but shows Kate is grounded well in reality and doesn’t let extraneous things get in her way. Kate rejects Sawer’s indirect advance, I think? Kate feels guilty, 20 years, about killing the man. It seemed to spur Sawyer to admit he killed a man, and Kate responds positively to having done that. That is the biggest thing they have in common. Showing they both are dangerous.
So to sum it all up in my mind. Secrets get out from third parties. Maybe they are more powerful when they come that way because the letter created a vacuum of curiosity around the subject. When that happens, it ups the odds that someone will figure out the secret. Keeping deep guilty secrets can eat at a person with a conscience from the inside out when the secret is covered-up for a long time. Kate has a moral conscience, so she must have been mistreated very badly to drive her to think of a way to kill a man, then follow through and execute the plan.
The writer patiently pays out the information about Kate and her deep dark secret. That keeps people interested, watching for more clues. The secret must be a big secret with high stakes. Then at the end, the reveal has more impact. I get it. Slow but balanced clues build to the reveal.
Set-up: During a routine deployment, two military reservist families sadly on the verge of divorce realize what is paramount in their lives when a deployment turns deadly.
Ironically, while Samantha (Sam) and Bill are deployed, their spouses, Tom, Sam’s husband, and Mary, Bill’s wife, meet in a snowy grocery store parking lot for the first time. They begin a relationship unaware that their spouses are together during the deployment.
Act 2 Is about the two new couples getting friendly helping each out but human nature being what it is, sexual tension begins to grow. All the spouses know they should not be getting so close, but being on the verge of divorce they might have found a new spouse that’s a better fit then their current spouse.
In the Act 2 scene below, two military members during their deployment, one spouse from each doomed family, are sitting in an Army field chow hall in Honduras talking. Sam’s deepest darkest secret comes out…
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What I learned rewriting my scene/character is to express what is in my head better. I have a lot of insight from 70 years of screwing up and fixing my messes. When I try to communicate what is in my head and all that I see I fall short every time. I need to slowdown and think deeper during my rewrites to ensure I have first the most important character traits highlighted in my writing. Then I need to show everyone’s quirky responses to the everyday events they are all experiencing but responding in their own way. I must show the traits not just a general response.
I see the huge contrast between Will and Skylar. Being an orphan, and being bounced around all his life, Will only knows what he has taught himself from being wounded over and over. That is a very frustrating way to learn life’s basic truths. It is also an incomplete way to learn important life lessons. He wonders what is he missing?
The contrast is Skylar. She has been well cared for and taught how to have confidence in herself and how to find and go after her hearts desires. She is well adjusted inspire of her problems. She has learned to try even if things don’t work out. Unlike Will that is so full of fear from all his torment he has experienced, he cannot see possibilities that could work out wonderfully. I believe Skylar truly loves Will and truly want to help him with his possibilities. But Will is blinded by his past horrible experiences and mega fears launching into the unknown.
As I watch this relationship unfold I want Will and Skylar to join together and enjoy life together no matter what it throws at them. But it is a gamble. Life is a gamble. Skylar gets that. She sees how she could help Will and wants to try because he is a giving person just like her. She sees the possibilities. This is the set-up for the ending where Will gets a car from his dear friends. He writes a note and puts it on his door, a tie back wrap-up and he heads for California, while the audience is cheering him on with tears in their eyes. That is powerful empathy driven writing.
I have some heavy thinking to do…
My scene that I posted yesterday, Day 4, works here as well.
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What I learned rewriting my scene/character is to express what is in my head better. I have a lot of insight from 70 years of screwing up and fixing my messes. When I try to communicate what is in my head and all that I see I fall short every time. I need to slowdown and think deeper during my rewrites to ensure I have first the most important character traits highlighted in my writing. Then I need to show everyone’s quirky responses to the everyday events they are all experiencing but responding in their own way. I must show the traits not just a general response.
I see the huge contrast between Will and Skylar. Being an orphan, and being bounced around all his life, Will only knows what he has taught himself from being wounded over and over. That is a very frustrating way to learn life’s basic truths. It is also an incomplete way to learn important life lessons. He wonders what is he missing?
The contrast is Skylar. She has been well cared for and taught how to have confidence in herself and how to find and go after her hearts desires. She is well adjusted inspire of her problems. She has learned to try even if things don’t work out. Unlike Will that is so full of fear from all his torment he has experienced, he cannot see possibilities that could work out wonderfully. I believe Skylar truly loves Will and truly want to help him with his possibilities. But Will is blinded by his past horrible experiences and mega fears launching into the unknown.
As I watch this relationship unfold I want Will and Skylar to join together and enjoy life together no matter what it throws at them. But it is a gamble. Life is a gamble. Skylar gets that. She sees how she could help Will and wants to try because he is a giving person just like her. She sees the possibilities. This is the set-up for the ending where Will gets a car from his dear friends. He writes a note and puts it on his door, a tie back wrap-up and he heads for California, while the audience is cheering him on with tears in their eyes. That is powerful empathy driven writing.
I have some heavy thinking to do…
My scene that I posted yesterday, Day 4, works here as well.
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What I learned rewriting my scene/character is described below.
Not having ever watched this series, I feel handicapped. These three scenes showing Kate’s secret are a little slim on info. I figured out the marshal dying tipped Jack about Kate being dangerous. But I couldn’t find why the marshal was focused on her. Was he tracking her? Was she his prisoner that he was transporting? I could not tell the marshal’s relationship with Kate. Anyway, Jack finds out about her.
I don’t know whom he told or didn’t tell from the clips, so I don’t know why Sawyer was easing information out of Kate, slowly keeping her guard down and building trust by trying to find what they have in common. He finally gets to the kill-a-man question, and she admits she has. But there is not much context about that in these clips to show why she killed him.
In her reveal showing what she did, I realized that maybe he was an abuser, but I don’t know what pushed her over the edge to kill him. How she killed him shows it was premeditated. Again, I wonder why?
From Sawyer’s “I never” game, we learn a few things about Kate. She drinks, she kisses men, neither have attended college or Disneyland, Sawer wore pink, neither have ever voted, Sawyer has never been in love, Kate has, Sawyer has never been married, Kate has but didn’t last long, Kate makes fun of Sawyer because he apparently blamed a boar for a problem, not sure what that is about but shows Kate is grounded well in reality and doesn’t let extraneous things get in her way. Kate rejects Sawer’s indirect advance, I think? Kate feels guilty, 20 years, about killing the man. It seemed to spur Sawyer to admit he killed a man, and Kate responds positively to having done that. That is the biggest thing they have in common. Showing they both are dangerous.
So to sum it all up in my mind. Secrets get out from third parties. Maybe they are more powerful when they come that way because the letter created a vacuum of curiosity around the subject. When that happens, it ups the odds that someone will figure out the secret. Keeping deep guilty secrets can eat at a person with a conscience from the inside out when the secret is covered-up for a long time. Kate has a moral conscience, so she must have been mistreated very badly to drive her to think of a way to kill a man, then follow through and execute the plan.
The writer patiently pays out the information about Kate and her deep dark secret. That keeps people interested, watching for more clues. The secret must be a big secret with high stakes. Then at the end, the reveal has more impact. I get it. Slow but balanced clues build to the reveal.
Set-up: During a routine deployment, two military reservist families sadly on the verge of divorce realize what is paramount in their lives when a deployment turns deadly.
Ironically, while Samantha (Sam) and Bill are deployed, their spouses, Tom, Sam’s husband, and Mary, Bill’s wife, meet in a snowy grocery store parking lot for the first time. They begin a relationship unaware that their spouses are together during the deployment.
Act 2 Is about the two new couples getting friendly helping each out but human nature being what it is, sexual tension begins to grow. All the spouses know they should not be getting so close, but being on the verge of divorce they might have found a new spouse that’s a better fit then their current spouse.
In the Act 2 scene below, two military members during their deployment, one spouse from each doomed family, are sitting in an Army field chow hall in Honduras talking. Sam’s deepest darkest secret comes out…
Military Family Blues
56. INT. LAS DELICIAS MOBILE FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
Everyone laughs as they all get up, leaving disturbed Bill to settle down, alone with Sam at the table.
BILL
I’m sorry, Sam. I just tried to keep you from getting hurt on the plane.
SAM
(concerned)
I know that wasn’t on purpose. What concerns me more is I’ve never seen you so uptight.
BILL
I’m ready to explode inside with Mary wanting a divorce and all.
SAM
Yeah, I get that with Tom and me too.
Bill shakes his head from side to side.
BILL
Yeah, both of us. How can that be? Mary is right about how I’ve been letting her down. It’s just all the shit I must do to get a decent raise. I need to get better at taking care of Mary and the kids. — What happened to you guys? You said something about pictures.
SAM
I am not sure what happened. Maybe it’s the same thing with me being away all the time. But Tom was shown some pictures of me topless or something, and he blew his top.
BILL
Are they old pictures from when your family abused you in your neighbor’s barn?
Surprised, Sam stops and looks at Bill hard.
SAM
Did I tell you about that?
BILL
Well, yeah, when you were drunk on your ass during our Italy deployment.
SAM
Damn, what did I tell you?
BILL
We were both pretty smashed. I carried you back to your room. Don’t you remember?
SAM
Vaguely, but all I remember about that trip is you didn’t take advantage of me when you could have. I knew I could trust you from then on. What exactly did I tell you?
BILL
About how your family and their friends abused you. You went into some graphic details. Being restrained and displayed in the woods by your house. The barn event and some other gangbangs they used you for.
Sam is deeply shocked.
BILL
But the biggest thing you seemed to be ashamed about was that you enjoyed some of the abuse. You unload in tears, passing out in my arms. Don’t you remember?
Sam shocked realizing she shared her deepest dark secret.
SAM
Oh my god, I haven’t even revealed this much to my husband. Who have you told about this?
Without hesitation, Bill answers
BILL
Nobody. I respect you too much and can only imagine what you had to endure.
SAM
Did we do anything?
BILL
No. I stayed until you settled down and fell asleep.
SAM
You must think I’m a slut.
BILL
No. I got that you did what you had to do to survive. I was so relieved you could find your way out of that mess. I thought Tom was so fantastic for how he helped you.
SAM
That’s just it. Tom saved me in that fire, almost losing his job for saving me. — Then, Tom spent damn near his whole life savings to help me get on my feet before he married my sorry ass. Now he wants a divorce because of something he wanted me to do. I don’t get it.
BILL
He wanted you to do?
SAM
Did I tell you how Tom poses for the fire department fundraising calendars?
BILL
Yes.
SAM
This year they wanted to try topless wives or girlfriends with the male firemen models to increase sales for some costly fire department equipment they need. I agreed after we decided I’d keep my back to the camera.
Bill brightens up. With his clueless male nature says…
BILL
I’d buy that calendar!
With a mad disapproving look, Sam punches him on his arm.
SAM
Shut up till I tell you what I think happened. This is serious. — I told them I wouldn’t do any front topless shots. Tom’s boss didn’t like that. They got me drunk before the shoot while we were waiting. After a few shots, Tom was suddenly called out for an emergency call leaving me topless with his boss and the photography crew. I don’t remember much of anything after that. I barely remember Tom leaving. Then Tom wakes me at home the next day. I don’t know how I got home, and we couldn’t find my bathing suit, or the clothes I wore to the shoot. Only my high heel shoes I wore for the shoot.
BILL
Wow, were you drugged?
SAM
I think so. And I don’t know what was in those pictures Tom saw, but if he is freaking out with topless shots, then I’m glad I never told him about how I was photographed by my brother’s friends as I was growing up. I’m so afraid…
BILL
Where is your son?
SAM
Where he usually is with Bill’s parents. Another reason he is so mad at me.
Bill longingly looks at her, then his watch.
BILL
Damn! This is heavy stuff, but we need to get to work.
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What I learned rewriting my scene/character is how important relaxed, witty banter is to a likable character. When a writer master’s a noticeable distinct dialogue pattern that communicates more than any action description can ever outline, it does so in a unique way. It taps into the audience’s awareness and experience in life, giving them positive strokes when they understand precisely what is going on in a subtext way.
Those positive stokes are what everyone craves in their lives. When you realize you know or understand something delivered in a subtext way makes you feel proud of yourself. You are clued in, aware, reading the message 5 by 5. Ten-four good, buddy. Roger that. This Bagger Vance story teaches in such a masterful way life truths that cannot be denied simply by alluding to significant concepts. Aware people hang on to every scene looking for the golden nuggets. Unaware people just watch a movie. It does not matter who or what you are. No class distinctions, just if you are aware or not.
I have really come to understand is how vital subtext is to stimulate the audience’s attention in a Bagger Vance’s positive way. I use subtext a lot in my writing, but this lesson has opened my eyes to the fact that I more often negatively use my subtext. That leads me to want to think about how I can “flip the scrip” and deliver a lesson in life in a positive, gracious “Bagger Vance” subtext way. Wow, that is my heavy breakthrough.
I really want my characters to speak to audiences in this way. My goal in writing is to develop “my swing” with words.
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CM Week 1 Day 3: The “Right Characters” for this story!
Bagger Vance is such a delightful, polite, gracious, respectful, merciful character that delivers zingers in such a delightful way that the recipient of the zingers cannot deny they are having that problem. That opens a natural door for Bagger Vance’s next step to provide a possible way forward out of the (next level of understanding), a hard to admit self-induced problem.
I have really come to understand is how vital subtext is to stimulate the audience’s attention in a Bagger Vance’s positive way. I use subtext a lot in my writing, but this lesson has opened my eyes to the fact that I more often negatively use my subtext. That leads me to want to think about how I can “flip the scrip” and deliver a lesson in life in a positive, gracious “Bagger Vance” subtext way. Wow, that is my heavy breakthrough.
Set-Up: This is the ending of the reveal scene.
Military Family Blues is about two reservist Military families on the verge of divorce. In the two scenes below, two military members, one spouse from each doomed family, are sitting in an aircraft for the long six-hour flight to Honduras. They find out that each spouse back home wants the divorce.
Ironically, while Samantha (Sam) and Bill are deployed, their spouses, Tom, Sam’s husband, and Mary, Bill’s wife, meet in a snowy grocery store parking lot for the first time. They begin a relationship unaware that their spouses are together during the deployment.
After Act 2 evolves and sexual tension has grown to it’s highest intensity in both new relationships. Bill and Sam are wounded in a surprise ambush in Honduras. They are flown back to a local hospital for observation. Their spouses Tom and Mary rush to the hospital not knowing their condition.
That is when the big reveal happens and the couples humorously find out about each other in front of a Spirit filled black chaplain.
This is the wrap-up for this humorous, but honest self evaluating scene.
105. INT. INSIDE THE HOSPITAL CHAPEL – DAY (Continued)
The calm and in control Chaplain smiles.
CHAPLAIN
Well, I have to say this has been interesting. I’m not sure what just happened, but I pray, whatever it was, that it has God’s blessing all over it. It sure has healing and forgiveness as only He can do.
The Chaplain moves closer to both couples.
CHAPLAIN
I praise God ya’ll have a grasp on forgiveness. — Y’all are just going through a rough patch with each other. Yes, we make promises, and yes, we mess up, but I sense this time has been different.
The Chaplain pauses.
CHAPLAIN
Different because, first, by grace, these two came home from the battlefield BLOODED but not in body bags. That’s enough to scare y’all clean back into each other’s arms where you belong. DEEP LOVE never leaves us. — And second, — I just heard the most heartfelt APOLOGIES I have ever heard. Whatever all happened — well, it happened. We all have access to the greatest forgiveness of all time. Y’all know what I’m talk’en about. Right?
Everyone nods.
BILL
We can’t match what Jesus did for us all.
CHAPLAIN
Bingo. Can’t match it, but you can learn from it and imitate it when those precious others around you hurt us.
The Chaplain shifts his weight, thinking deeply.
CHAPLAIN
I just met you folks, but I sense you have been in a spiritual battle of a lifetime. Good on you for coming through it all so well!
The Chaplain pauses to let that sink in. Then continues.
CHAPLAIN
Now, what can you do to keep this from happening again? — You all belong to a good church, don’t you?
They look at each other and shake their heads no.
BILL
Not anymore. We’ve been too busy.
The Chaplain does not judge.
CHAPLAIN
That’s how things start going south. But no matter. Our Father in Heaven loves you all so dearly and is hope’en you will make church a priority again. — If you like a lively service, you are more than welcome to come to my church. It’s interdenominational and interracial. All sizes, shapes, and colors. Ha-ha, We have fun every time we get together. No judging because we all understand we all stumble and learn through those sad moments in our lives. — We try to help each other recover with grace, mercy, and dignity. Anyway, you all are welcome to come visit us.
He looks down, changing the beat as he shakes his head.
CHAPLAIN
But right now, you’ve all had a “Fright of a lifetime.” You need to reconnect and spend time together with your families. So, I won’t go-to-preaching right now, but I hope to encourage you to make time to read PROVERBS 5, which talks about staying with the woman of your youth and tells you why.
A tieback for Tom.
TOM
Proverbs five?
CHAPLAIN
Yep. But enough talking now. Let’s get you out of here after a quick prayer.
Raising his hands and closing his eyes, the Chaplain begins to pray quickly.
CHAPLAIN
Our Heavenly Father, thank you for bringing me into this divine moment with these two crazy but sincere, loving, caring families. Thank you for your healing power within these families to bring them together again. — By faith, we thank you for your promised healing you are performing on these families right now, both physically and spiritually, by super-naturally learning how to forgive one another. — We thank you for your example and continuing forgiveness as we stumble through life and have to repent over and over. In Jesus’s most precious and Holy Name, we pray. Amen!
The Chaplain opens his eyes, looking at the two couples, lifting his hands, smiling.
CHAPLAIN
Now, go in God’s grace and peace that passes all understanding, forgiving, and healing as you are blessed and continue to prosper by His grace. Amen!
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What have I learned? Certain aspects of each character are essential, like their traits and future, and need to show up in the character’s actions and dialogue. This is what producers are looking for right up front when they read a script.
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What have I learned? Certain aspects of each character are essential, like their traits and future, and need to show up in the character’s actions and dialogue. This is what producers are looking for right up front when they read a script.
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CM Week 1 Day 2: Living Into Their Future – THE TERMINATOR
What I learned rewriting my scene/character is that I do not have to rewrite my characters for this aspect. My stories have the character’s walk and future built-in during my development phase, which starts when I conceive an idea for a story with a moral truth that has seemed to have gotten lost in our awareness. My characters have to ad-lib their way to an unknown future. Searching for their place in the sun.
Sarah Connor’s great traits
-She is in an unbelievable situation. She is hanging out with someone from the future. Never before has that ever happened, but it is happening. She shows the ability to keep going, although she does not know where things are heading.
-Sarah is kind
-She responds appropriately and very quickly to danger instinctively.
Kyle Reese’s great traits
Kyle is in a situation of being the first to go back in time. He is going by feel too. No one has ever done this before to write an operations manual. But he knows and communicates to Sarah how important it is to keep her safe and move forward.
Kyle has to adjust to older ways and resources than he is used to.
Both adjust appropriately to save their lives. High stakes. Adjust and overcome. To live another day…yada-yada-yada…
Background: Military Family Blues is about two reservist Military families on the verge of divorce. In the two scenes below, two military members, one spouse from each doomed family, are sitting in an aircraft for the long six-hour flight to Honduras. They find out that each spouse back home wants the divorce.
Ironically, while Samantha (Sam) and Bill are deployed, their spouses, Tom, Sam’s husband, and Mary, Bill’s wife, meet in a snowy grocery store parking lot for the first time. They begin a relationship unaware that their spouses are together during the deployment.
This sets the beginning plot for all four spouses during this deployment time frame. All their futures are up in the air from here on until the big event and the big reveal.
Scenes from Military Family Blues
9. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY
The aircraft is in flight.
Sam and Bill are sitting together alone in their row of seats. Their team is seated close around them. Bill wakes.
SAM
Well, you are awake. Feel better? You looked like crap when we sat down.
Bill, waking up, grabs a water bottle out of his carry-on.
SAM
How’s baby Christina?
BILL
(subdued)
Fine.
SAM
Mary breastfeeding her?
BILL
Yes.
SAM
Tom wanted me to breastfeed our son. Maybe I should have.
BILL
Maybe you should have?
SAM
Yeah, I haven’t told anyone yet. Tom and I are separated. I seem to rub him the wrong way a lot. Maybe if I had tried to breastfeed our son and not volunteered so much for deployments, we would still be together.
BILL
(surprised)
What?? — What’s going on? You guys are so good together. He saved your ass.
Bill’s spirit drops.
SAM
It’s been three months now. Something about some pictures…
10. INT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT – EVENING
It is snowing lightly, beginning to accumulate.
Exhausted, Mary struggles with the grocery cart full of bags of groceries and a CRATE OF WATER at the BOTTOM of the cart. She is slipping in the snow with her three children in tow. James, Noah, and Christina.
Mary slips in the snow and almost falls onto the snow-cover asphalt.
MARY
Thank God it’s the start of the weekend and no daycare till Monday.
Mary arrives at their older model SUV and discovers it has a flat tire. Dead tired, Mary looks up, ready to cry, but soldiers on.
She quickly seats the children in the SUV. He starts the engine and prepares herself to go out to change the tire.
Snow mingles with the tears in her eyes as she knees down in the snow and begins to set the jack-up behind the tire.
Out of nowhere, a STRANGER appears.
TOM
Here let me do that. You have your hands full with the kids. Just get in out of the snow.
MARY
Oh no, I can’t expect you to do that.
Mary turns and sees this very handsome gentleman standing over her. He knees down, taking the jack from her. Then, he jacks up the SUV.
Astonished and so thankful, Mary kneeling in the snow, watches Tom quickly loosen the lug nuts.
Sensing she is in his way, Mary slips, trying to stand up. Grabbing onto Tom to steady herself, her cheek rubs his day-old beard. She gets a whiff of his COLOGNE.
Mary’s eyes light up in delight as he helps her stand up.
TOM
I can get this. You get inside the car and take care of your children.
She thankfully complies with this command without the slightest hesitation.
Mary watches Tom through the side-view mirror as he quickly finishes up as the snow falls heavier.
Mary pops out of the door just as Tom puts the flat snowy tire in the back of the SUV. Then they quickly load the snow-covered groceries on top of the wet tire as the snow comes down faster.
MARY
Thank you so much. Here is a little something for your help.
Mary tries to give him ten dollars.
TOM
No, thank you. You keep it. You get yourself and the kids home safely.
MARY
I’m Mary. What’s your name so I …can pray for you.
TOM
Thanks. My name is Tom, and I could use some prayers. Thank you.
MARY
Anything, in particular, I can pray for, Tom?
Tom hesitates.
TOM
No, I just gotta figure some important things out.
Smiling, Mary gets into the SUV, flipping it into 4-wheel drive. Then slowly drives out of the congested parking lot.
11. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY (CONTINUED)
Bill looks at Sam hard.
BILL
There must be something in the air.
SAM
What do you mean?
Bill chokes up.
BILL
Mary wants a divorce. — She just told me this morning as I was leaving.
SAM
Bill, I’m so sorry. — Yeah, what in the hell is going on? Why?
BILL
I didn’t have time to fix a few things around the house before leaving. I guess. I am numb.
SAM
Look at me. Me to. I’m shaking, my stomach hurts, and I cannot sleep well. Tom is my life…
Bill takes her hand.
BILL
I felt like I could not breathe as I left the house. My stomach hurts, too. — Well, we aren’t going anywhere for a few more hours. Do you want to talk or get some more rest?
SAM
I haven’t been sleeping well for a while. Can you hold my hand a little longer?
Bill nods.
SAM
Let’s get some more rest.
BILL (smiling)
Yeah, and Rojas can say we slept together.
Rojas pops his head over the seat.
ROJAS
What’s that? Did I hear my name?
BILL
No Rojas. Go back to sleep.
ROJAS
Okay. I’ll give you two your privacy. Wink-wink…
Rojas sits back down.
Troubled, Bill stares off into space before he closes his eyes.
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1. Neil Werenskjold
2. “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Week 1 Day 1: Character Traits
Will
Very detailed photographic memory
Protector
Sensational appetite for knowledge
Demure
Modest appearance
Lacks confidence in himself even though he has an incredible mind capable of solving high-order math problems that no one else in MIT can seem to do.
Perhaps he has been put down more times than he can count because he didn’t have the words or physical fight to counter bullies growing up.
Remains in the background, but his intellect causes him to be curious and pop out, taking chances to see if he can operate at a higher level.
Skylar
Polished
Touch of class
Merciful
Kind-hearted
Not impressed by jackasses
Curious, may be ready for a change or something different than her norm.
She does not attack harshly. Asked politely for Clark to go away.
Chuckie
Balzy
Forceful BS artist that gets him by in his lower-middle-class world.
He does not leave or venture out of the safe confines of his lower-middle-class neighborhood.
Has met his match in a place he knows little about and is just guessing.
He is totally ignorant that his guesses are not working but doubles down, looking foolish.
Has never operated at a very high academic level.
Scene from Military Family Blues
This is a scene where an Army Captain Turlly at Soto Cano Air Base Honduras, freaks on the Air Force civil engineers and comically lies to them, leading them to believe how wonderful their sleeping quarters are going to be tonight at their first stop on their way to a remote post where they will be working. Everyone buys into his story until they pull into a decrepit Honduran Army base with no facilities other than canvas tents that leaked when it rained that night.
30. INT. COMMERCIAL SCHOOL BUS PAINTED BRIGHT COLORS – DAY
On the bus are Air Force (AF) Airmen Bill, Sam, Hartman, Bobo, Rojas, and CAPTAIN (Capt.) HENSLEY is in charge of the AF Civil Engineering (CE) Airmen, SENIOR MASTER SERGEANT (SMSgt) TOM KENNARD, senior enlisted leader of the CE Airmen, with weak, Barney Fife type leadership skills, and SIX AF AIRMEN of various ranks.
Also, SEVEN ARMY MALE SOLDIERS of various enlisted ranks and TWO FEMALE SOLDIERS are on the bus.
Everyone aboard is wearing their tactical gear and packing an M-4 and 30-round magazines.
Sam, Hartman, Rojas, Bobo, and Bill are sitting in the back of the bus. SMSgt. Kennard and Capt. Hensley are sitting up front. Two female soldiers are sitting together near Sam and Bill. The rest of the airmen and soldiers are scattered around, talking to each other.
Smartass Army Captain Turlly jumps on the bus stairs and announces.
CAPT. TULLY
Listen up! When you get to La Ceiba this evening, you will be staying in some hooches on the beach. You will have a bonfire and plenty of beer, food, and women that will want to welcome you. The special forces guys will take good care of you. Enjoy!
There was a cheer from the bus as the Captain exited the bus and waves.
Truth be told, they bunked in old canvas tents. Captain Turlly was freaking on them.
This is the reveal scene where Bill gets back at Captain Turlly.
Wounded Air Force Airmen are getting ready to return to the USA from Honduras in a medieval aircraft where they were wounded in a firefight with a local cartel.
94. INT. MEDEVAC AIRCRAFT – NIGHT
Sam and Bill are bandaged up. Sam has crutches. Bill’s bandages are under his clothes as they find a seat. Bobo, Hartman, and Rojas sit near Bill and Sam.
Others are around limping around finding their seats. Captain Hensley waves to them. As army Captain Turlly walks over to the Bill and company, he pops a big smile and asks a smartass question.
CAPT. TURLLY
Hey, how did you like the hooches on the beach?
Bill’s eyes grow big as he excitedly jumps up with a big smile.
BILL
Oh, it was great, sir! Just like you said. Those special forces guys really liked us when we fixed some stuff real fast for them that they could not get fixed for months. So, on the down-low, they took us out on the beach but not to any hooches. They checked us in at the Grand Hotel on the beach, where we all had suites using CIA funds earmarked for local spending or something like that. Our poor single guys could hardly walk in the morning after the topless servers assigned to us individually took them for a full-ride all night. — One other thing, I hope those poor special forces guys didn’t have to stay in those rickety old canvas tents we saw on that Honduran post before they took us to the hotel.
Looking confused, the Army Captain shook his head. Shocked, he walked away with that “Wait a minute” look on his face. Not smiling anymore.
Standing nearby, (Air Force Captain) Hensley hears the conversation and rushes over to Bill as Capt Turlly walks away totally deflated.
CAPT. HENSLEY
Bill, what if they get into trouble out there?
Bill shrugged his shoulders.
BILL
They won’t get into trouble. They would laugh their asses off if they found out what I just told them. They have a sense of humor, and they need to learn that we are not so stupid. Next time hopefully, they will respect the Air Force fresh meat a little better.
The Captain slowly smiles, shakes his head, pats Bill on the back, then walks away smiling.
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Hey Everyone,
Neil W here. I’ve been studying and rewriting one feature script six times as it has evolved to include Hal’s marketable considerations. I have another thriller feature screenplay on the drawing board that I hope embodies high concept markable considerations. Both these features might have a series possibility because they are both based in some minor part on my experiences during my 37 years with the USAF, which gave me a ton of experience in mechanical, electrical, and aerospace engineering and program management.
I am retired now, having time and good support to write. However, I am on the verge of selling my house and moving to Texas very soon. My wife and I are removing all the not needed any more good stuff we have collected in our fifty years of marriage to help make our move easier. I grew up in Westchester County, NY, and Tampa, Florida. We are now in Utah and soon to be with our family near San Antonio, Texas.
What do I want from this class? I wish to punch up my characters, so A-list actors will get excited and think, “I need to do this character in this screenplay.”
Also, I have met a significant number of wonderful, hard-working people. In my screenplays, I want to learn how to communicate their unique talents and humorous quirks that separate them from the norm, making them so enjoyable to know, work with, and hang out with.
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Subject line: Neil’s Fast formatting!
What I learned doing this assignment is adding the sound first demonstrates the surprise when the something unexpected happens. Cool way to add interest for the readers too.
EXT. MIDDLE OF THE RIVER – DAY
As the Humvees reach the halfway point in the river, Whoosh! An RPG comes out from bushes of the destination side of the river.
It hits low on the front of the lead Humvee, boom!, damaging the front-end badly, rattling, and concussion popping the ears of the four very shocked military members in the Humvee.
MSG Willis and Kennard are wounded badly. Bobo and Rojas are stunned and bleeding.
The occupants of Humvee #2 leap out into the knee high water and spray the jungle with small arms fire. Crack-crack-crack!
The deafening sound of small arms fire causes the cartel members to hit the ground. Giving a short break in the in coming fire on the Humvees.
Bill moves up to the damaged Humvee that is now smoking. He helps Bobo and Rojas to get out as they come under heavy small arms fire.
A sudden explosion! A second RPG hits the first Humvee Engine compartment, almost knocking out Bill as he was just starting to get Willis out of the driver’s seat.
Bill, somewhat dazed and bleeding, forces himself to recover and pulls himself out of the river.
He reaches in from the driver’s side door, snap! Bill flicks out his SWITCHBLADE, quickly cuts the safety belt holding Willis as bullets hit the Humvee door shielding Bill somewhat from the small arms fire from the jungle.
Sam runs over to help Bill float Willis to safety behind the burning Humvee. The others are firing wildly at the area where the RPGs are coming from.
Bobo pries open the back of the mangled Humvee like a man possessed with superpowers, grabbing bloody and unconscious Kennard from the burning wreckage.
Sam is behind the back corner of the Humvee dragging Willis as Bill lets go and helps Bobo get Kennard out the back of the burning Humvee.
Boom! A third RPG explodes below the front of the burning Humvee pushing the front end up and shifting the Humvee backwards and down in the river, trapping Sam underwater.
Bobo and Bill immediately drop Kennard. Bobo, straining, puts all his energy into lifting the back end of the Humvee to free Sam. Bill is unable to get her out.
Bobo tries again as Bill feverishly pulls on Sam. Suddenly she is free and floats to surface, almost looking drowned. Sputtering and spits Sam snaps to life.
Sam is pissed! She grabs her M-4 and jumps up on the hood of the second Humvee to get a better vantage point. The other members are returning fire into the jungle, crack-crack-crack!
The Cartel members see her crouching on the hood of the second Humvee.
With smoke getting thicker and swirling around Sam, she checks her magazine. She only has two rounds left. She slams the magazine into the M-4 and stands up. Tilting her head to one side and back again with extreme concentration.
The RPG shooter sees her stand up, and he steps out into the middle of the road, smiling. He slowly lifts the RPG to aim right at Sam through the smoke swirling around between them.
Crack-crack, Sam double-taps the RPG shooter right in the chest. Whoosh! Just as he squeezes this trigger launching the RPG dead-on, heading right at Sam,
Sam doesn’t have time to duck it happen so quickly. The RPG flies inches over her head, singeing her hair, and keeps going.
EXT. CARTEL TRUCKS SPEEDING ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
-The 2-ton truck approaches the river with the leader behind it. They don’t see the rocket, whoosh, flying straight for them through the smoke of #1 Humvee.
Boom! The rocket hits the 2 ton truck with all the cartel fighters. Dramatically lighting up the truck and its the fuel tank. Killing or injuring all the occupants of the truck.
The boss’s SUV almost runs into the back of the burning 2-ton truck.
-The boss watches as his support team is devastated by his own RPG.
-He yells to his driver to turn around as they are pelted with M-4 fire from the Humvees. They just barely escape. Catching fire from Rojas and Bobo as they seed away.
EXT. IN THE RIVER BETWEEN THE TWO HUMVEES – DAY
Crack-crack-crack! Rojas and Hartman, open automatic fire on the SUV as it takes off.
Freeman and Bobo are returning fire in the direction of the jungle, crack-crack-crack, where the small arms fire seemed to be coming from.
Two cartel members under fire, in the bushes, fade deeper into the jungle.
Rojas and Hartman hear a pick-up truck roar up the road. As it retreats down the road away from the fighting. Rojas and Hartman fire at the truck, as it gets away.
It is suddenly quiet. A distinct sulfur smell lingers in the heavy humid hot jungle air. No one is shooting at them. The group in the river cautiously collect themselves.
Whap-whap-whap, they hear something in the distance. Two Pave Hawk helicopters, are speeding inbound as the Army Quick Reaction Force arrives.
Everyone is relieved as they are able to get the two badly bleeding members out of the water. Willis is semiconscious and barely holding Kennard up, both sitting in the water from taking cover during the firefight.
Everyone pitches in to stabilize them.
FREEMAN
Oh yeah. I called for help the second we got ambushed.
BILL
Good job, Freeman.
Suddenly, both Helicopters open fire on the jungle around each side of the road. Then around the 2-ton truck that was burning.
FREEMAN
I better bring them up to speed.
Freeman gets into Humvee #2 and talks to the helicopters. They split and cover both sides of the river as Quick Reaction Force quick rope down on both sides of the river and set up a perimeter.
Sam jumps down. Bloody, singed and painfully runs to help get Willis and Kennard loaded in the helicopter. Bill gets dizzy and almost falls in the river holding his head.
SAM
Are you okay, Bill?
BILL
Just dizzy. Are you okay?
Sam walks around to look at Bill’s wounds, and she twists her ankle on the river bottom.
SAM
Ow! Damn it.
Sam grabs Bill. Bill manages to hold them both up. They look at each other, then start laughing.
BILL
We made it through another attack on our deployments. And you twist your ankle. Go figure.
SAM
Yeah, I have to twist my ankle after it’s all over. You look like you got some shrapnel wounds, buddy.
BILL
You look like you got your head singed girl friend. And you are bleeding too.
As the scene fades out the quick reaction team quickly takes over.
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[Action] Lesson 14: Writing Great Action Set Pieces
Subject line: Neil’s Great Action Set Piece!
What I learned doing this assignment is I have been wondering for a few years how RED with Bruce Willis could pack so much into every scene. I am starting to see how doing this and other lessons adds to each scene as writers comprehensively go over each scene with a different focus each time adding in little gems that keeps the audience interested, invested, and emotionally involved damn near every scene.
Title – Military Family Blues
Ambush scenes
1. Build in the meaning.
Pre-Action
— A local person calls the cartel office reporting the two Humvees have left the Army compound.
—The AF and Army are oblivious to any danger. Just enjoying a nice day before the Airmen leave.
—Cartel office sets up ambush and dispatches shooters.
Action
—Humvees are Ambushed
Post-Action
—Relief when the Black Hawks arrive .
—After being medivaced relief when Spouses are only in the hospital for observation back home.
2. Make the Action Unique.
STEP 1: List your 9 Places For Uniqueness.
-Environment-Honduras jungle
-Rules-Military protocol Air Force and Army working together and combat infantry.
-Villain-Cartel
-Mission-Relaxing day and some infantry and getting AF acclimated to the local area training.
-Struggle- US troops are foreigners in Honduras
-Unique Skillset-combat experience, sharpshooters
-Meaning-United States helping Honduras improve roads in country
-Allies-Air Force and Army
-Weapon-small arms
STEP 2: Use Strategies For Uniqueness to elevate them.
3. Create through the 9 Action Emotions.
-What if two American Humvees come under fire crossing a wide river without any warning?
-It is to an extreme because the American’s have no cover in the River and the river is wide but not deep.
-Samantha (Sam) of the characters is a marksmen that nobody knows she is that good.
-An RPG comes out of the jungle without warning and strikes the first Humvee disabling it.
-Go opposite Sam stands on the hood of the second Humvee leaving cover with no fear drawing out the RPG shooter into the open on the road. They stare each other down.
-Sam double-taps the RPG shooter just as he launches the RPG. It flies over Sam’s head by inches, singeing her hair.
What’s been added-
-Cartel informant.
-Cartel scramble
-American’s cluelessness
-Set up for the ambush
-Showdown between Sam and the RPG shooter.
4. Add in more twists. Can’t think of anything more yet
5. Rewrite by going back over Steps 1 – 4 to elevate it
77. EXT. HONDURAN DIRT ROAD WITH PIECED TOGETHER SMALL SHACKS – DAY
-Locals watch as the convoy drives by on their sightseeing trip, waving and being friendly. The locals brighten up and wave back.
-A local cartel member radios somebody. (Start building tension.)
(A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
78. INT. CARTEL HEADQUARTERS BUILDING – DAY
-Someone at a desk with a radio responds to a call.
-Then hurries to the big Boss. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
79. INT. CARTEL BIG BOSSES OFFICE -DAY
-Knock on the door. Big Boss with other cartel leaders are all present. The Big Boss listens to the courier.
-Big Boss immediately springs into action, giving orders to attack the American Humvees. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
80. EXT. CARTEL COMPOUND – DAY
-A swarm of bad guys with weapons are mobilized and jump into the back of a 2 ton truck with canvas cover and wood seats for the gaggle of bad guys to sit. The group’s Boss jumps in an SUV and follows out of the cartel compound. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
81. EXT. AMERICAN HUMVEES WIND THEIR WAY DOWN THE DIRT ROADS – DAY
-With no sense of urgency, the Americans stop and take pictures of the jungle and shacks when no one is present and the small river they drive through.
(A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
82. DESTINATION SIDE OF THE RIVER – DAY
-Sitting in their truck, three cartel members listen to a handheld radio.
-Orders are being given orders in Spanish to set up the ambush. We hear they have RPGs. They are to shoot the first Humvee with an RPG when it gets to the center of the river. Stopping the convoy in the middle of the river.
-They are to keep the Americans under fire so they cannot advance, while the compound cartel members sneak up behind the Americans and waste them from the rear. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
83. INT. HUMVEE – DAY
-Americans are enjoying the ride and tour. Joking with each other and their new Army friends as Humvee #1 enters the river. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
84. INT. CARTEL TRUCKS SPEEDING ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
-The 2 Ton truck is screaming recklessly down the road kicking up dust with all the shooters in the back trying to breathe as they bounce around, barely able to stay seated.
-The Boss is following close behind. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
85. INT. HUMVEE #2 – DAY
-Everyone watching Humvee#1 slows down and stops, then stutters a little as the driver puts it into low four-wheel drive.
-Sam is watching closely as Humvee #1 eases into the river. The water is up to the bottom of the Humvee doors. Sam is tickled. She gets to do this.
-Sam puts the Humvee into four-wheel-drive low, following about 20 yards behind.
(A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
86. DESTINATION SIDE OF THE RIVER – DAY
-Almost comically, three cartel members are disorganized and cannot decide if they should blow their cover and stand out on the road to show the Americans who are going to kill them or keep their cover.
-The three cartel members are going out of their minds; they are so excited. In Spanish, they scream into the mike, “They are in the river… they are in the river!”
-The order comes back through the radio to hold on and not shoot until they are halfway through the river and DON’T MISS! (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
87. EXT. MIDDLE OF THE RIVER – DAY
-(Key Scene) As the Humvees reach the halfway point in the river. Suddenly an RPG comes out from the bushes of the destination side of the river. It hits low on the front of the lead Humvee, damaging the front end badly.
-MSG Willis and Kennard are wounded badly. Bobo and Rojas are stunned and bleeding.
-The occupants of Humvee #2 leap out and spray the jungle with small arms fire. Causing the cartel members to hit the ground.
-Bill moves up to the damaged Humvee that is now smoking. Bill helps Bobo and Rojas get out of the Humvee as they come under heavy fire from small arms fire.
-Suddenly, a second RPG hits the first Humvee, almost knocking out Bill as he starts getting Willis out of the driver’s seat.
-Bill, somewhat dazed, pulls himself out of the river. He reaches in from the driver’s side door and flicks his SWITCHBLADE out, cutting the safety belt holding Willis.
-Sam runs over to help Bill float Willis to safety behind the burning Humvee. The others are firing wildly at the area where the RPGs are coming from.
-Bobo pries open the back of the mangled Humvee like a man possessed with superpowers, grabbing bloody and unconscious Kennard from the burning wreckage. Sam is behind the back corner of the Humvee, dragging Willis as Bill lets go and helps Bobo get Kennard out of the back of the Humvee.
-A third RPG hits below the front of the burning Humvee pushing the front end up trapping Sam underwater.
-Bobo and Bill immediately drop Kennard. Bobo, straining, puts all his energy into lifting the back end of the Humvee to free Sam. Bill is unable to get her out.
-Bobo tries again as Bill feverishly pulls on Sam. Suddenly she is free and floats to the surface, almost looking drowned. Suddenly she snaps too, sputtering and spits.
-She is pissed! She grabs her M-4 and jumps up on the hood of the second Humvee.
-The Cartel members see her crouching on the hood of the second Humvee.
-The smoke is getting thicker and swirling around Sam. She checks her magazine. She only has two rounds left. She slams the magazine into the M-4 and stands up. Tilting her head to one side and back again with extreme concentration.
-The RPG shooter sees her stand up, and he steps out into the middle of the road, smiling. He slowly lifts the RPG to aim right at Sam through the smoke swirling between them.
-Sam double taps the trigger and hits the RPG shooter right in the chest; just as he squeezes this trigger launching the RPG dead-on, heading right at Sam.
-Sam does not have time to duck it happen so quickly. The RPG flies over her head, singing her hair, and keeps going. (A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
88. EXT. CARTEL TRUCKS SPEEDING ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
-The 2 Ton truck approaches the river with the leader behind it. They do not see the rocket coming straight for them through the smoke of #1 Humvee.
-The rocket hits the 2-ton truck with all the cartel fighters. Lighting up the truck and the fuel tank on the truck and killing or injuring all the occupants.
-The Boss’s SUV almost runs into the back of the burning 2 Ton truck.
-The boss watches as his support team is devastated by his own RPG.
-He yells to his driver to turn around as they are pelted with M-4 fire from the Humvees. They just barely getaway. Catching fire from Rojas and Bobo as they seed away.
(A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
89. EXT. IN THE RIVER BETWEEN THE TWO HUMVEES – DAY
-Rojas and Hartman, when the trucks speeding toward them, suddenly explodes. They open fire on the SUV as it takes off.
-Freeman and Bobo were returning fire in the direction of the jungle where the small arms fire seemed to be coming from.
-Two cartel members in the bushes retreat.
-Suddenly quiet.
-Moments later, they hear something. Two Pave Hawk helicopters are inbound as the Army Quick Reaction Force arrives. They rejoice.
-Suddenly, two thunderous Helicopters swoop in and open up fire into the jungle around each side of the road. Then around the two-ton truck that was burning. -Freeman gets into Humvee #2 and talks to the helicopters. They split and cover both sides of the river as Quick Reaction Force quick rope down on both sides of the river and set up a perimeter.
-Bloody Sam jumps down and sprains her ankle. Bill gets dizzy and almost falls into the river holding his head.
-As the scene fades out, the quick reaction team quickly takes over.
(A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
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Subject line: Neil’s Unique Action!
What I learned from this lesson is a way to break down the pertinent elements of my screenplay. Since I started on this project, I have had a problem clearly and succinctly describing this complex, funny, sad, and educational story. This is the best I have done so far, but I feel there are a few more notches to climb before it is the most entertaining. So I am open to ideas for how I describe its uniqueness and entertaining potential.
Title: Military Family Blues (Copyrighted)
PLACES FOR UNIQUENESS
Environment: Military, Military Family issues, Honduras
Rules: Military – males and females are to be treated equally. Gender privacy issues are not guaranteed in field conditions.
Villain: Ignorance, resulting in families slow fade / Cartel
Mission: Answer the question of will families be better off divorced?
Struggle: Exhaustion, growing sexual tension
Unique Skillset: Expert facility repair team
Meaning: Each scene progresses on exploring the unexplored possibility of divorce for these two families.
Allies: Families and friends, Army and Air Force members
Weapon: Inadvertent disrespect, sexual tension / small arms, RPGs, and two Black Hawk helicopters.STRATEGIES FOR UNIQUENESS
What if…?
During a deployment, the husband of one family and the wife of the other family deploy in the same unit. They have been team members for many years during their part-time reserve duty. Through the years, the spouses have helped each other on the job with few if any sexual tension issues.
Back home, during the beginning of the deployment, the home bound spouses inadvertently meet for the first time in a grocery store parking lot during a snowstorm. They have no idea their spouses are in the same unit and deployed together. Much less know each other. When the wife and children come out of the store and find their SUV has a flat tire. The husband of the other family stops and helps change the tire in the snowstorm during this first time ever encounter with each other.
The deployment continues and the illicit relationships innocently continue to help each other while each spouse, on the down-low, continues to size up the other as a possible new spouse. As one would expect, participating partners will never admit there is any sexual tension beginning to grow despite each member secretly fighting to hold their profound body reaction in abeyance.
As this drama with comedy and action highlights continues, all the spouses remain unaware of their spouse’s other relationship until the humorous big reveal and resolution in the third act.
B. Take to an extreme.
Having the spouses not know what all is going on with each other until the great reveal is one extreme. The sexual tension building between the main characters is another extreme. The surprise ambush in the middle of the river and the surprise double-tap are other extreme examples.
But the surprise ending with the spirited hospital chaplain and their choices about their pending divorces is the last extreme.
C. Specific to character or environment.
Each main character has a revelation about how they can do better without cliches and simplistic solutions.
The military environment is a specific environment like other environments, where spouses have to operate for long periods without each other and suffer temptations that can be ignored for short periods but are more apt to cave the longer the period of time they are away from each other. Due to unexpected circumstances, both spouses find themselves going through.
D. Shocking or Surprising.
-Ambush in the River.
-How the four spouses find out about each other in the hospital chapel.
-Army vs Air Force members friendly and funny kibitzing.
E. Go opposite.
While we were waiting to be medivaced waiting for the aircraft, an Army Captain, back at the Fort in Soto Cano, set them up with sleeping accommodations in a broken down Honduran Army post. He told the AF team that they would be staying in hooches on the beach in La Ceiba, with females waiting to serve each person, a bonfire, and plenty of alcohol. So we were all excited when we left La Ceiba.
The Captain Knew we got rained on and had the worst conditions. He asked Bill how it went in La Ceiba, snickering sarcastically.
Bill shocked the Captain with his answer. Bill got positively animated and said,“Oh, it was great! Just like you said. Those special forces guys really liked us when we fixed some stuff real fast for them that they couldn’t get fixed for months. So, on the down low, they took us out on the beach but not to any hooches. They checked us in at the Grand Hotel on the beach where we all had suites using CIA funds ear marked for local spending or something like that. Our poor single guys could hardly walk in the morning after the topless servers that were assigned to us individually, took them for a full ride all night. One other thing, I hope those poor special forces guys didn’t have to stay in those rickety old canvas tents we saw on that Honduran post before they took us to the hotel.”
The Army Captain walked away with that, “Wait a minute look on his face.” Not laughing anymore. Our Captain Hensley got nervous when he heard what Bill told the Army Captain. Hensley was concerned Bill was getting the special forces guys in trouble. But Bill shrugged his shoulders and said they would laugh their asses off if they found out we told them that. They have a sense of humor and would enjoy our banter. Besides, that that was his second friendly shot across their bow after they freaked on us the night we were in their care. Hopefully, they will treat the Air Force better in the future now they know we aren’t so stupid. But mainly for the Captain’s inappropriateness of his comments when two of the wounded were barely hanging on. Our Captain smiled, patted Bill on the back, and walked away.
F. What haven’t we seen?
Military Family Blues is based on one of my deployments in 1989, so everything is unique.
-
Set up: Army is taking Air Force reservists on a tour of their Honduras location in two Humvees. They are in the jungle and will have to drive through a number of rivers for their tour.
Sam (Samantha) is an AF reservist she is driving the second Humvee. Army MSG Willis is driving the first Humvee.
They are not expecting any hostel problems but they are all combat ready.
EXT. TEMPORARY FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
Returning Airmen, Bill, Sam, Hartman, and Rojas, return with their M-4s slung on their shoulders, battle gear, ammo, and cameras.
While they were waiting the second time, Bill is shaking hands with a few ARMY ENLISTED TROOPS and MSG Willis. They are obviously pleased with him.
Two Humvees pull up. MSG Willis goes out to meet them. Some of the AF airmen are milling around. Including Bill, Sam, Kennard, Hartman, Bobo, and Rojas. All ready to go with their weapons.
MSG Willis and Sam are the Humvee drivers.
MSG WILLIS
Do you all have your combat gear and weapons?
All hold up their M-4s as Willis approvingly looks each over.
Willis looks at Sam to brief her before driving.
MSG WILLIS
You’ll get to drive through a few rivers this time around. It will be good training for you.
SAM
Cool, but I have driven through rivers before.
MSG WILLIS
Not like these, I’ll bet. Make sure you follow me, but not too close if we get attacked. We had intel a few monthes ago the cartels had plans to attack us. But it never panned out. Also, the rivers around here are full of fecal matter. You don’t want to get stuck in the river, or you will be responsible for hooking up the tow chain to pull you out. — Catch my drift?
SAM
Yeah! That doesn’t sound like much fun.
ROJAS
What are we going to see?
MSG Willis shrugs his shoulders.
MSG WILLIS
The local area’s extreme poverty. It kinda makes you aware of how well off we are back home. We are so blessed in America.
Willis quickly turns toward Kennard.
MSG WILLIS
Are we ready, Senior Master Sergeant Kennard?
Kennard jumps into his leadership role.
KENNARD
Okay, everyone, listen up.
MSG WILLIS
Just pile into one of the two humvees, and we’ll be on our way.
Humvee #1 Willis (driver), Kennard, Rojas, Sgt Freeman.
Humvee #2 Sam (driver), Bill, Hartman, Bobo, and PFC James.
EXT. LEAVING POST GATE ON HONDURAN COUNTRYSIDE DIRT ROADS – DAY
Humvees drive out the gate of the Army post at Las Delicias.
EXT. HONDURAN COUNTRYSIDE DIRT ROADS WITH PIECED TOGETHER SMALL SHACKS – DAY
Driving by a stream where local women are washing clothes on the rocks. The Humvee occupants all wave to the ladies being friendly.
Driving by bare minimum, one-room shacks the locals live in, with no glass in the windows and some without doors in the doorways.
Locals watch as the two humvees drive by.
A local suspiciously takes out a radio and talks to someone after the humvees past him.
Sum total, the Americans are enjoying the ride. Joking with each other and their new Army friends.
INT. CARTEL HEADQUARTERS BUILDING – DAY
Someone at a desk with a radio responds to a call. Then hurries to the big boss.
INT. CARTEL BIG BOSSES OFFICE – DAY
Knock on the door. Big boss with other cartel leaders present responses to the interruption.
Big boss listens to the courier. Stands at the head of the table. Leans forward on his hands. Looks into the eyes of his followers sternly.
BIG BOSS
Now we have an opportunity. Attack!
Everyone at the table jumps up and runs out the of the room.
EXT. CARTEL COMPOUND – DAY
A swarm of bad guys with weapons are mobilized and jump into a 2-ton truck with canvas cover and wood seats for the gaggle of bad guys to sit. The Boss of the group leads the way out of the cartel compound in his SUV.
EXT. AMERICAN HUMVEES WIND THEIR WAY DOWN THE DIRT ROADS – DAY
With no sense of urgency, the Americans stop and take pictures of the jungle and shacks when no one is present and the small rivers they drive through.
EXT. DESTINATION SIDE OF THE RIVER – DAY
THREE CARTEL MEMBERS listening to a handheld radio.
CARTEL LOWER BOSS
The Americans are coming to the river from the east side of the river, heading west. You set up on the west side of the river directly in their path. They are not to pass by you! — Use the RPGs to stop them in the middle of the river. Then hold them down until we get there to close their back door. — Comprender?!
CARTEL MEMBER #1
Si!
EXT. WIDE RIVER – DAY
The Humvees approach the river.
The first Humvee rolls up to the river. Pauses as the driver shifts it into low 4 wheel drive. Then enters the river cautiously, slowly picking up a deliberate speed, but not very fast. The river is up to the bottom of the Humvee doors.
INT. CARTEL TRUCKS SPEEDING ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
The 2-ton truck is screaming recklessly down the road with all the shooters in the back bouncing around, barely able to stay seated. The boss follows close behind.
INT. HUMVEE #2 – DAY
Sam is watching closely and is tickled. She gets to drive in this wide river.
SAM
Here we go, boys!
Sam pauses and shifts the Humvee into low 4 wheel drive. Then slowly enters the river, following cautiously, but keeping her distance.
EXT. DESTINATION SIDE OF THE RIVER – DAY
The three cartel members are disorganized and cannot decide if they should blow their cover and stand out on the road to show the Americans who are going to kill them or keep their cover. They keep their cover.
They are so excited they get to shoot the RPG.
Cartel member #2 with the RPG pointing at them is tickled too. He is excitedly nervous. As he watches them enter the river.
EXT. MIDDLE OF THE RIVER – DAY
As the Humvees reach the halfway point in the river, suddenly, an RPG comes out from bushes of the destination side of the river. It hits low on the front of the lead Humvee, damaging the front end badly.
MSG Willis and Kennard are wounded badly. Bobo and Rojas are stunned and bleeding.
The occupants of Humvee #2 leap out and spray the jungle with small arms fire. Causing the cartel members to hit the ground.
Bill moves up to the damaged Humvee that is now smoking. He helps Bobo and Rojas to get out as they come under heavy small arms fire.
Suddenly, a second RPG hits the first Humvee, almost knocking out Bill as he was just starting to get Willis out of the driver’s seat.
Bill, somewhat dazed, pulls himself out of the river. He reaches in from the driver’s side door, flicks out his SWITCHBLADE, quickly cuts the safety belt holding Willis.
Sam runs over to help Bill float Willis to safety behind the burning Humvee. The others are firing wildly at the area where the RPGs are coming from.
Bobo pries open the back of the mangled Humvee like a man possessed with superpowers, grabbing bloody and unconscious Kennard from the burning wreckage. Sam is behind the back corner of the Humvee dragging Willis as Bill lets go and helps Bobo get Kennard out the back of the burning Humvee.
A third RPG hits below the front of the burning Humvee pushing the front end up trapping Sam underwater.
Bobo and Bill immediately drop Kennard. Bobo, straining, puts all his energy into lifting the back end of the Humvee to free Sam. Bill is unable to get her out.
Bobo tries again as Bill feverishly pulls on Sam. Suddenly she is free and floats to surface, almost looking drowned. Suddenly she snaps to, sputtering and spits.
She is pissed! She grabs her M-4 and jumps up on the hood of the second Humvee.
The Cartel members see her crouching on the hood of the second Humvee.
With smoke getting thicker and swirling around Sam, she checks her magazine. She only has two rounds left. She slams the magazine into the M-4 and stands up. Tilting her head to one side and back again with extreme concentration.
The RPG shooter sees her stand up, and he steps out into the middle of the road, smiling. He slowly lifts the RPG to aim right at Sam through the smoke swirling around between them.
Sam double-taps the trigger and hits the RPG shooter right in the chest. Just as he squeezes this trigger launching the RPG dead-on, heading right at Sam.
Sam doesn’t have time to duck it happen so quickly. The RPG flies inches over her head, singeing her hair, and keeps going.
EXT. CARTEL TRUCKS SPEEDING ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
-The 2-ton truck approaches the river with the leader behind it. They don’t see the rocket coming straight for them through the smoke of #1 Humvee.
The rocket hits the 2-ton truck with all the cartel fighters. Lighting up the truck and the fuel tank on the truck. Killing or injuring all the occupants of the truck.
The boss’s SUV almost runs into the back of the burning 2-ton truck.
-The boss watches as his support team is devastated by his own RPG.
-He yells to his driver to turn around as they are pelted with M-4 fire from the Humvees. They just barely escape. Catching fire from Rojas and Bobo as they seed away.
EXT. IN THE RIVER BETWEEN THE TWO HUMVEES – DAY
Rojas and Hartman, when the trucks speeding toward them, suddenly explode. They open fire on the SUV as it takes off.
Freeman and Bobo are returning fire in the direction of the jungle where the small arms fire seemed to be coming from.
Two cartel members in the bushes fade deeper into the bushes.
Rojas and Hartman hear a pick-up truck start up the road. Then retreats down the road away from the fighting. Rojas and Hartman fire at the truck, as it gets away.
It is suddenly quiet. No one is shooting at them. The group in the river cautiously collect themselves.
In the distance, they hear something. Two Pave Hawk helicopters are inbound as the Army Quick Reaction Force arrives.
Everyone relieved as they are able to get the two badly bleeding members out of the water. Willis is semiconscious and barely holding Kennard up, both sitting in the water from taking cover during the firefight.
Everyone pitches in to stabilize them.
FREEMAN
Oh yeah. I called for help the second we got ambushed.
BILL
Good job, Freeman.
Suddenly, both Helicopters open fire on the jungle around each side of the road. Then around the 2-ton truck that was burning.
FREEMAN
I better bring them up to speed.
Freeman gets into Humvee #2 and talks to the helicopters. They split and cover both sides of the river as Quick Reaction Force quick rope down on both sides of the river and set up a perimeter.
Sam jumps down. Bloody, singed and painfully runs to help get Willis and Kennard loaded in the helicopter. Bill gets dizzy and almost falls in the river holding his head.
SAM
Are you okay, Bill?
BILL
Just dizzy. Are you okay?
Sam walks around to look at Bill’s wounds, and she twists her ankle on the river bottom.
SAM
Ow! Damn it.
Sam grabs Bill. Bill manages to hold them both up. They look at each other, then start laughing.
BILL
We made it through another attack on our deployments. And you twist your ankle. Go figure.
SAM
Yeah, I have to twist my ankle after it’s all over. Nice timing. You look like you got some shrapnel wounds, buddy.
BILL
You look like you got your head singed girl friend. And you are bleeding too.
As the scene fades out the quick reaction team quickly takes over.
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<div>Set-up: The Army is showing the six airmen the local Honduran area as thanks for helping the Army field post with infrastructure problems they had. Also the Air Force reservist are getting exposed to operating in a foreign country. Valuable training for these seasoned citizen military members usually confined to operating bases when they go over seas. </div>
They are not expecting any problems so these two humvee are touring waving to the locals to keep great relations in the area. Although they are packing incase any of the cartels in the area want to test them.
We open with the light hearted members getting into the Humvees and leaving the field post.
EXT. TEMPORARY FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
Returning Airmen, Bill, Sam, Hartman, and Rojas, return with their M-4s slung on their shoulders, battle gear, ammo, and cameras.
While they were waiting the second time, Bill is shaking hands with a few ARMY ENLISTED TROOPS and MSG Willis. They are obviously pleased with him.
Two Humvees pull up. MSG Willis goes out to meet them. Some of the AF airmen are milling around. Including Bill, Sam, Kennard, Hartman, Bobo, and Rojas. All ready to go with their weapons.
MSG Willis and Sam are the Humvee drivers.
MSG WILLIS
Do you all have your combat gear and weapons?
All hold up their M-4s as Willis approvingly looks each over.
Willis looks at Sam to brief her before driving.
MSG WILLIS
You’ll get to drive through a few rivers this time around. It will be good training for you.
SAM
Cool, but I have driven through rivers before.
MSG WILLIS
Not like these, I’ll bet. Make sure you follow me, but not too close if we get attacked. We had intel a few monthes ago the cartels had plans to attack us. But it never panned out. Also, the rivers around here are full of fecal matter. You don’t want to get stuck in the river, or you will be responsible for hooking up the tow chain to pull you out. — Catch my drift?
SAM
Yeah! That doesn’t sound like much fun.
ROJAS
What are we going to see?
MSG Willis shrugs his shoulders.
MSG WILLIS
The local area’s extreme poverty. It kinda makes you aware of how well off we are back home. We are so blessed in America.
Willis quickly turns toward Kennard.
MSG WILLIS
Are we ready, Senior Master Sergeant Kennard?
Kennard jumps into his leadership role.
KENNARD
Okay, everyone, listen up.
MSG WILLIS
Just pile into the two humvees, and we’ll be on our way.
Humvee #1 Willis (driver), Kennard, Rojas, Sgt Freeman.
Humvee #2 Sam (driver), Bill, Hartman, Bobo, and PFC James.
EXT. LEAVING POST GATE ON HONDURAN COUNTRYSIDE DIRT ROADS – DAY
Humvees drive out the gate of the Army post at Las Delicias.
EXT. HONDURAN COUNTRYSIDE DIRT ROADS WITH PIECED TOGETHER SMALL SHACKS – DAY
Driving by a stream where local women are washing clothes on the rocks. The Humvee occupants all wave to the ladies being friendly.
Driving by bare minimum, one-room shacks the locals live in, with no glass in the windows and some without doors in the doorways.
Locals watch as the two humvees drive by.
A local suspiciously takes out a radio and talks to someone after the humvees past him.
Sum total, the Americans are enjoying the ride. Joking with each other and their new Army friends.
INT. CARTEL HEADQUARTERS BUILDING – DAY
Someone at a desk with a radio responds to a call. Then hurries to the big boss.
INT. CARTEL BIG BOSSES OFFICE – DAY
Knock on the door. Big boss with other cartel leaders present responses to the interruption.
Big boss listens to the courier. Stands at the head of the table. Leans forward on his hands. Looks into the eyes of his followers sternly.
BIG BOSS
Now we have an opportunity. Attack!
Everyone at the table jumps up and runs out the of the room.
EXT. CARTEL COMPOUND – DAY
A swarm of bad guys with weapons are mobilized and jump into a 2-ton truck with canvas cover and wood seats for the gaggle of bad guys to sit. The Boss of the group leads the way out of the cartel compound in his SUV.
EXT. AMERICAN HUMVEES WIND THEIR WAY DOWN THE DIRT ROADS – DAY
With no sense of urgency, the Americans stop and take pictures of the jungle and shacks when no one is present and the small rivers they drive through.
EXT. DESTINATION SIDE OF THE RIVER – DAY
THREE CARTEL MEMBERS listening to a handheld radio.
CARTEL LOWER BOSS
The Americans are coming to the river from the east side of the river, heading west. You set up on the west side of the river directly in their path. They are not to pass by you! — Use the RPGs to stop them in the middle of the river. Then hold them down until we get there to close their back door. — Comprender?!
CARTEL MEMBER #1
Si!
EXT. WIDE RIVER – DAY
The Humvees approach the river.
The first Humvee rolls up to the river. Pauses as the driver shifts it into low 4 wheel drive. Then enters the river cautiously, slowly picking up a deliberate speed, but not very fast. The river is only up to the bottom of the Humvee doors.
INT. CARTEL TRUCKS SPEEDING ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
The 2-ton truck is screaming recklessly down the road with all the shooters in the back bouncing around, barely able to stay seated. The boss follows close behind.
INT. HUMVEE #2 – DAY
Sam is watching closely and is tickled, she gets to drive in this wide river.
Cartel member #2 with the RPG pointing at them is tickled too. He is excitedly nervous. As he watches them enter the river.
SAM
Here we go, boys!
Sam pauses and shifts the Humvee into low 4 wheel drive. Then slowly enters the river, following cautiously, but keeping her distance.
EXT. DESTINATION SIDE OF THE RIVER – DAY
The three cartel members are disorganized and cannot decide if they should blow their cover and stand out on the road to show the Americans who are going to kill them or keep their cover. They keep their cover.
They are so excited they get to shoot the RPG.
EXT. MIDDLE OF THE RIVER – DAY
As the Humvees reach the halfway point in the river, suddenly, an RPG comes out from bushes of the destination side of the river. It hits low on the front of the lead Humvee, damaging the front end badly.
MSG Willis and Kennard are wounded badly. Bobo and Rojas are stunned and bleeding.
The occupants of Humvee #2 leap out and spray the jungle with small arms fire. Causing the cartel members to hit the ground.
Bill moves up to the damaged Humvee that is now smoking. He helps Bobo and Rojas to get out as they come under heavy small arms fire.
Suddenly, a second RPG hits the first Humvee, almost knocking out Bill as he was just starting to get Willis out of the driver’s seat.
Bill, somewhat dazed, pulls himself out of the river. He reaches in from the driver’s side door, flicks out his SWITCHBLADE, quickly cuts the safety belt holding Willis.
Sam runs over to help Bill float Willis to safety behind the burning Humvee. The others are firing wildly at the area where the RPGs are coming from.
Bobo pries open the back of the mangled Humvee like a man possessed with superpowers, grabbing bloody and unconscious Kennard from the burning wreckage. Sam is behind the back corner of the Humvee dragging Willis as Bill lets go and helps Bobo get Kennard out the back of the burning Humvee.
A third RPG hits below the front of the burning Humvee pushing the front end up trapping Sam underwater.
Bobo and Bill immediately drop Kennard. Bobo, straining, puts all his energy into lifting the back end of the Humvee to free Sam. Bill is unable to get her out.
Bobo tries again as Bill feverishly pulls on Sam. Suddenly she is free and floats to surface, almost looking drowned. Suddenly she snaps to, sputtering and spits.
She is pissed! She grabs her M-4 and jumps up on the hood of the second Humvee.
The Cartel members see her crouching on the hood of the second Humvee.
With smoke getting thicker and swirling around Sam, she checks her magazine. She only has two rounds left. She slams the magazine into the M-4 and stands up. Tilting her head to one side and back again with extreme concentration.
The RPG shooter sees her stand up, and he steps out into the middle of the road, smiling. He slowly lifts the RPG to aim right at Sam through the smoke swirling around between them.
Sam double-taps the trigger and hits the RPG shooter right in the chest. Just as he squeezes this trigger launching the RPG dead-on, heading right at Sam.
Sam doesn’t have time to duck it happen so quickly. The RPG flies inches over her head, singeing her hair, and keeps going.
EXT. CARTEL TRUCKS SPEEDING ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
-The 2-ton truck approaches the river with the leader behind it. They don’t see the rocket coming straight for them through the smoke of #1 Humvee.
The rocket hits the 2-ton truck with all the cartel fighters. Lighting up the truck and the fuel tank on the truck. Killing or injuring all the occupants of the truck.
The boss’s SUV almost runs into the back of the burning 2-ton truck.
-The boss watches as his support team is devastated by his own RPG.
-He yells to his driver to turn around as they are pelted with M-4 fire from the Humvees. They just barely escape. Catching fire from Rojas and Bobo as they seed away.
EXT. IN THE RIVER BETWEEN THE TWO HUMVEES – DAY
Rojas and Hartman, see the trucks speeding toward them. They begin to fire at the lead truck, when it suddenly explodes. They continue to fire on the SUV as it turns around and takes off.
Freeman and Bobo are returning fire in the direction of the jungle where the small arms fire seemed to be coming from.
Two cartel members in the bushes fade deeper into the bushes.
Rojas and Hartman hear a pick-up truck start up the road. Then retreats down the road away from the fighting. Rojas and Hartman fire at the pick-up truck, as it gets away.
It is suddenly quiet. No one is shooting at them. The group in the river cautiously collect themselves.
In the distance, they hear something. Two Pave Hawk helicopters are inbound as the Army Quick Reaction Force arrives.
Everyone relieved as they are able to get the two badly bleeding members out of the water. Willis is semiconscious and barely holding Kennard up, both sitting in the water from taking cover during the firefight.
Everyone pitches in to stabilize them.
FREEMAN
Oh yeah. I called for help the second we got ambushed.
BILL
Good job, Freeman.
Suddenly, both Helicopters open fire on the jungle around each side of the road. Then around the 2-ton truck that was burning.
FREEMAN
I better bring them up to speed.
Freeman gets into Humvee #2 and talks to the helicopters. They split and cover both sides of the river as Quick Reaction Force quick rope down on both sides of the river and set up a perimeter.
Sam jumps down. Bloody, singed and painfully runs to help get Willis and Kennard ready to be loaded in a helicopter. Bill gets dizzy and almost falls in the river holding his head.
SAM
Are you okay, Bill?
BILL
Just dizzy. Are you okay?
Sam walks around to look at Bill’s wounds, and she twists her ankle on the river bottom.
SAM
Ow! Damn it.
Sam grabs Bill. Bill manages to hold them both up. They look at each other, then start laughing.
BILL
We made it through another attack on our deployments. And you twist your ankle. Go figure.
SAM
Yeah, I have to twist my ankle after it’s all over. You look like you got some shrapnel wounds, buddy.
BILL
You look like you got your head singed girl friend. And you are bleeding too.
As the scene fades, the quick reaction team is quickly taking over.
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1. Fill in the blanks and see what shows up.
Concept:
Hero Morally Right: Protect the President
Villain Morally Wrong: Not nice to kill the president of the United States.<div><div>
Hero – Nash
A. Unique Skill Sets – 1. People person he knows a lot of talented people through his job in Public Affairs, 2. He started in the Air Force in Prime Beef Civil Engineering as a Combat engineer. 3. He finds a way to complete projects or work that needs to be done. </div>
<div>
B. Motivation – Nash is very loyal and patriotic
C. Secret or Wound – 1. Because he gets work done when others cannot find away climber managers hate him and try to make him look bad. 2. Wife died two years ago. Married for 26 years.
Villain – Unknown
A. Unbeatable – Unknown enemy, so hard to know how to defend the President.
B. Plan/Goal – Kill the president
C. What they lose if Hero survives – President continues for full term.
Impossible Mission
A. Puts Hero in Action – Trapped in a hangar with explosives Hero gets them out of harms way by the skin of their teeth when every obvious exit is blocked.
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: Escalating attacks push Nash to think and plan IAW his POC’s he knows from talking to so many experts doing his public Affairs duties.
C. Destroy the Villain – In the last scene an imbedded agent is revealed, but still a mystery who is all behind the attacks.
Improved answers completed last summer. What I have here is so far the best I have come up with, and is what the screenplay has been written too.
</div></div>
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Neil Werenskjold.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by
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1. Neil Werenskjold
2. The words “I agree to the terms of this release form below.”
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
0
Member
February 27, 2022 at 10:04 pm
Jeffrey Glatz
I agree to the terms of the release form
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Subject: Neil’s Meaningful Action Notes in bold print with new tension scenes to be added during the big ambush event lead-up and the ambush.
I am learning like gang busters right now. My ideas are flowing faster then I can write the scenes. Many meaningful additions about to be added to add tension and suspense. The bolded added scene notes just after scenes 8, 11, and 21 are my plans to pump up those scenes. Then the big all’s lost scenes starting on scene 73 and following, see the added bolded scene notes to see my plans for ramping up the tension, action and empathy.
Military Family Blues
Logline: During a deployment, two spirited, unrelated military reserve families on the verge of divorce inadvertently begin to humorously find solace from the other family’s spouses before the deployment turns deadly.
Beat sheet Rating Chart
A. To what degree does it evoke emotion?
B. To what degree does it intrigue or create curiosity?
C. To what degree does it make us want to read on?
D. To what degree does it divert us from our lives?
Beat Sheet
INT. BILL AND MARY’S HOUSE – MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
-Bill wakes and gets ready to leave for his deployment. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
2. LIVING ROOM – SHORT TIME LATER
-Bill finishes packing his duffle bag with a bottle of WHISKEY and a SWITCHBLADE. Leaves a CARD and ANNIVERSARY GIFT on the table. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
3. BOYS BEDROOM
-Bill kisses the boys while they are still sleeping. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
4. MASTER BEDROOM
-Bill kisses is daughter and turns to Mary, his wife, and she explodes, “I want a divorce!” -Shocking Bill deeply and put him at a disadvantage. (A. 7, B. 9 C. 9, D. 9)
5. INT. SAMATHA (SAM) IN HER SUV – NIGHT
-Sam is distraught about something as she drives to the Air Force base. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
6. INT. BILL DRIVING IN HIS SUV – NIGHT
-Bill in shock trying to drive to the Air Force base. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
7. EXT. AIR FORCE BASE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
-Sam pulled herself together and heads to report for duty. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
8. INT. CIVIL ENGINEERING ASSEMBLY ROOM – EARLY MORNING
-Meet the AF Civil Engineers mechanical systems team. Sam explains Bill is the only guy she trusts because he is, “MISTER MARRIED MAN.” (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
Running gag #1 “MISTER MARRIED MAN.” Used by Sam to remind the normally frisky Bill he is married. Used even when Bill is not being frisky because he has been labeled from his past weak behavior incidents. BUT, by divine grace, he has NOT EVER messed up…yet. He just gets frisky once in a while to try to build-up a female teammate that is lacking in confidence around men. In general, Bill deeply cares for non-confident people that he sees hidden talent that if highlighted could come out boosting each person’s confidence. Bill acting frisky has hurt his reputation even though he has not ever messed up, but Bill just blows that label off and continues to help people that he can see away to encourager.
9. INT. FIRE STATION LOCKER ROOM – DAY
-Tom, Sam’s husband talks with the fire station chaplain about his troubled marriage. Also, chaplain tells Tom to look-out for a military family that needs help with home repairs that they could help. Chaplain tell Tom to read PROVERBS 5:15-19. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
10. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY
-Sam and Bill talk on the long flight to Honduras. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
11. INT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT – EVENING
-Mary, Bill’s wife meets Tom for the first time. He helps her. They don’t know their spouses are deployed together. It is snowing hard as Tom fixes her flat tire. Mary notices TOM’S COLOGNE and likes it, a lot. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
Note: This is the beginning of running gag #2 affecting the four main characters that are married members with an intact Christian value system of not cheating on their spouses. Their value system arch begins to disintegrate slowly as different sexy situations begin to pop-up and progresses as long as the divorce possibility (main excuse) is on the table.
12. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY (CONTINUED)
-Sam and Bill find out they are BOTH ON THE VERGE OF DIVORCE. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
13. FLASHBACK – INT. BASE CIVILIAN OFFICE – NIGHT
Bill remembers how his boss noticed he was over doing work. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
14. FLASHBACK CONTINUES – INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
-Bill remembers how Mary didn’t like his temporary fixes for the DISHWASHER and broken BACK DOOR. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
15. I/E. GARAGE/DRIVEWAY – DAY
-Mary arrives home and fines out Tom followed her home. Creepy at first. But finds out only his wife is deployed too. He guesses she is in Saudi the last place he knows she went too. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
16. INT. KITCHEN – DAY
-Disheveled but sexy Mary feeding their two children and breastfeeding the youngest. When the doorbell sounds. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
17. I/E. FRONT DOOR – DAY
-Storm is over. Tom’s offers to snow blow her property.
Mary relents as she lets her guard down. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
18. INT. GARAGE – DAY
-Mary caught bare foot wearing only “wear at home flannel PJs,” with no bra. She is bounding around the garage with her bare feet on the super cold floor. Tom being a red blooded man, secretly notices and likes what he sees, but tries not to look for moral reasons. MAN OF INTEGRITY FIGHTING HIS INSTINCTS. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
19. INT. BEDROOM – DAY
-Mary listens to the sound of the snowblower as she brushes her hair and quickly getting dressed.
-Mary watches Tom from the window wondering. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
20. KITCHEN – LATER
-Mary hears the snowblower in the garage. Reacts by stopping what she is doing quickly and heads for the door to see this CURIOUSLY INTRIGUING POLITE MAN THAT SMELLS GOOD.
(A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
21. INT. GARAGE – DAY
-Mary barefoot bounding around the garage again. Tom asked if they needed any repairs for the house. His fire station is looking for a military family that needs help. Mary identifies the old DISHWASHER AND broken BACK DOOR. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
NOTE: Having landed in country, play-up the perception the Army views this AF crew as not well trained infantry solders, so nobody they can count on in a combat situation, and maybe even a detriment if things go bad quickly during an attack. Totally over-looking the AF member’s hidden talents. They roll their eyes when AF asked for what the Army considers a luxury item or idea. Running gag #3.
22. EXT. VISITING NCO TRANSIT QUARTERS – DAY
-Sam assigns the room next to her room to Bill reminding him he is married, so don’t peek through the gaps in the walls from the rough hewn wood, “MISTER MARRIED MAN.” (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
23. INT. TRANSIT NCO QUARTERS HALLWAY – DAY
-Bill rushes out to go shower. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
24. SAM’S ROOM
-Sam laughs realizes the shower is about to close for cleaning and Bill does not realize it yet. Then leaves to see what is about to happen. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
25. INT. MEN’S LATRINE SHOWER BAY – DAY
-Muscular Bill is in the vast, wide-open bay shower room at the shower in the furthest corner. He is soaping himself up. (A. 7, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
26. MEN’S SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE/SHOWER BAY – DAY
-The three Honduran women suddenly realize someone is in the shower as they sneak to the shower bay door and peek in.
-Sam comes up behind them, startling them as she is holding her finger to her lips. They relax.
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
27. SHOWER BAY
-Bill hears a sound, stops, looks around, but does not see anything. He returns to showering.
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
28.SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE.
-Ladies block the Shower room door forcing Bill to have to push past them. (A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
29. SHOWER BAY
-Bill struts toward the ladies blocking the door to the beat of Stay’en Alive in his head. Big smile. He is beginning to get his mojo back after the shock from Mary as he was leaving.
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
30. SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE/DRYING ROOM
-Bill pushes through the ladies line getting his ass slapped, boobs shimmying in his face and Sam hands him is towel. Sam watches as a hand print from the slap begins to appear. Bill red faced but cares on until he leaves.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN.”
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
31. INT. HOUSE BEDROOM – NIGHT
-Tom follows the oldest son James six years old into the master bedroom not realizing at first Mary is breast feeding Christiana and is totally topless in the privacy of her bedroom. (A. 9, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
32. MASTER BEDROOM
-Mary wearing only baggy old gym shorts was a little shocked but a pro at breast feeding so she smiles at Tom’s huge reaction. Stumbling as he tries to retreat with James not moving fast at all. (A. 8, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
33. HALLWAY
-Shocked Tom runs back out into the hall and apologies through the now cracked door.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
34. MASTER BEDROOM
-Mary has a panic attack or baby blues. Tom comforts her.
-Tom tells why he was there. The dishwasher will be replaced tomorrow. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
35. EXT. HONDURAS MILITARY BASE – EVENING
-Airmen arrive at La Ceba Honduran Army base. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
36. INT. BUS – EVENING
-Everyone blocked by a senior NCO until someone breaks wind and they all push pass the weak leader. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
37. EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUS – DAY
-They get briefed by special forces in civilian clothes. Warned about deadly snakes and critters in the showers and tall grass.
-Maj Fox toys with them. Airmen vow to get even before they leave in the morning. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
38. INT. AIR FOCE TENT – EVENING
-Airmen split up between two tents. Sam and Bill have their cots next to each other. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
39. INT. AIR FORCE TENT – NIGHT
-Heavy rain storm in the middle of the night. Bill notices Sam is not wearing a bra under her tight tee shirt. Tries not to stare as he thinks about he maybe getting divorced. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
40. INT. AIR FORCE TENT – NIGHT
-Sam gets Bill up at 4:30 to check the women’s shower hooch for snakes.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
41. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER HOOCH – NIGHT.
-Sam waits outside as getting playful Bill goes into he shower. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
42. INT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT
-Bill opens the door finding the lights then walks around banging things with his long three-cell flashlight. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
43. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT
-The urge to say something wildly inappropriate surges through his brain.
-Sam asks him to sit outside the door and guard it while she showers. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
44. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT.
-Bill sitting on the steps notices Maj Foxes hooch next door. He bull shits two Army troops telling them he just saw a coral snake go under the hooch across from them. (A. 8, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
45. EXT. MAJOR FOX’S HOOCH – NIGHT
-As they are running to check to see if it came out the other side. Bill yells he saw it going hole in the floor board. Noise and lights increase as other join the search outside. Bill hears the major moving furniture around in his hooch, as Sam comes out of the Women’s shower hooch and they walks away quickly. (A. 7, B. 8, C. 9, D. 9)
46. EXT. TRAIL BACK TO TENT – EARLY MORNIN
-Sam and Bill romantically begin to walk back to their tent bumping shoulders. (A. 7, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
47. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY
-Mary shows the two young firemen her broken dishwasher. On the verge of divorce and Intimacy deprived, Mary looks at these young men briefly as she shares her home made CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. They jump in and enjoy a few. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
48. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY
-Mike and Alex show Mary her new top-of-the-line last years model dishwasher. She is moved to tears she is so relieved.
-CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
49. EXT. DIRT PATH BACK TO TENT – EARLY MORNING
-Sam wants to know what he was doing. He fills her in and suggests maybe he should have told all the guys there was a snake under the shower hooch so he could see her in all her glory like she saw him. She reminded him humorously how badly she would hurt him if he ever did anything like that.
-They romantically walk toward the rising sun returning to their tent.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
50. INT. HOME DAYCARE BACK DOOR – DAY
-Mary shows two other young firemen the back door. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
51. INT. HOME DAYCARE BACK DOOR – DAY
-They show Mary the replaced new storm door.
-They get Mary’s homemade CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
52. INT. BUS – DAY
-Meet some of the other team members and see the conditions military members are forced to operate in without complaining. Just taking things in stride. School bus without A/C while it is over 100 degrees.
-Male hardbody jogging catching some females eyes. Reality for some and annoying to others but at any rate SPECIAL FORCES are in the area. Foreshadowing trouble. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
53. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – DAY
-13 AF members in one tent including a female and an Officer. The members try to plan to give Sam a little privacy. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
54. INT. SUPPLY TENT – DAY
-CE members borrow (steal) some plywood on the down low just for two short of two weeks.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
55. INT. LAS DELICIAS MOBILE FEILD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
-Field conditions for eating.
-Bill and Sam stay behind and have a heart to heart talk. They are mulling over their options privately wondering if the other would be a good partner now that their spouse want to call it quits.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
56. EXT. MOBILE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #1 – DAY
-Bill quickly comes up with a plan to MacGyver fix the much needed A/C for this unit. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
57. EXT. ARMY POST COMPOUND – DAY
-Bill looking for a mud flap. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
58. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT BILLS BUNK – DAY
-Bill has to break out the WHISKEY bottle he brought along to trade for a mud flap. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
59. INT. ARMY FEILD MOTOR-POOL – DAY
-Bill uses the Whiskey to have someone turn around while Bill Cuts a mud flap off a deuce and a half truck. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
60. INT. MOBLE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #1 – DAY
-Bill fashions a coupling out of the mud flap material and gets the A/C unit on the intel trailer up and running so they can now do their jobs. The coupling was on order for six months so Bill showed the Army how they could fashion parts like that coupling out of indigenous materials if you know where to look. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
61. EXT. MOBLE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #2 – DAY
-Bill swamps two legs on the 3 phase power cable providing power to the trailer and the A?C unit fan that was running backwards began to run forwards so now this trailer’s A/C could keep the intel equipment from over heating. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
62. EXT. TENT CITY – NIGHT
-Warning sirens blast in the night. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
63. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT
-Bill checks his watch 0330 hrs Army troop is yelling to get their asses out and into the near-by bunker. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
64. EXT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT
-Air Force in their underwear beat feet for the bunker WITHOUT FLASHLIGHTS. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
65. INT. SANDBAG BUNKER – NIGHT
-Bill and Sam are packed in the bunker tight with Army and AF troops packed body-to-body in their underwear. Sam feels someone touching her butt so Bill swings her around so her back is on the sandbag wall and Bill is eyeball to eyeball with her. Next they are pushed together so they are body to body. Billy accidentally, in the dark, touches her unharnessed breasts threw her tee shirt as the sexual tension rises quickly. They both are overcome with DESIRE in the pitch black bunker. Surrounded by airmen and soldiers. (A. 9, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
66. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT
-Bunker drill over they rush back to their cots. Bill and Sam are totally FRUSTRATED and ridden with GUILT. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
67. INT. HOSPITAL BED – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
-Sam has a flashback about how Tom saved her life. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
68. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY
-Mary has all the guys that helped her over for dinner to show her thanks.
-Mary secretly really like Tom’s COLOGNE. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
69. LIVING ROOM
-CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
-Tom and Mary sit and talk after the other guys leave. They are getting drawn to each other.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
70. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
-“adventure AWAITS” PLAQUE that she and Bill received when they got married, falls out of a box catching Mary by surprise. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
71. FLASHBACK MONTAGE – BILL AND MARY’S CHEERFUL WEDDING RECEPTION – DAY
-How they received the PLAQUE. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
72. INT. FIREHOUSE OFFICE – DAY
-BIG REVEAL: Tom finds out Sam didn’t willing pose for nude pictures. She was drugged. Their separation is based on her being victimized not faulting her body to strangers! Tom has a what did I do moment. He’s very upset with himself. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
73. INT. TEMPORARY FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
-Thank you lunch from the Army to the AF airmen that have repaired a lot of the infrastructure problems they were having. Now can get to work much better with their mission.
Play up the fact they are AF not Army infantry.
(A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
74. EXT. TEMPORARY FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
-Air Force and Army assemble to go for a drive so the AF can see the surrounding jungle area.
Play up AF shows up with weapons but no ammo. Army provides them with rounds and they have top load their magazines one round at a time. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
75. EXT. MONTAGE HONDURAN COUNTRYSIDE DIRT ROADS – DAY
-Honduran Countryside.
76. EXT. HONDURAN DIRT ROAD WITH PIECED TOGETHER SAMLL SHACKS – DAY
Locals watches as the convoy drives by beginning their sightseeing trip.
77. EXT. HONDURAN YARD BY A SHACK -DAY
A local cartel member radios somebody. (Start building tension.)
(A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
78. INT. CARTEL HEADQUARTERS BUILDING – DAY
-Someone at a desk with a radio responses to a call.
-Then hurries to the big boss.
79. INT. CARTEL BIG BOSSES OFFICE -DAY
Knock on door. Big boss with other cartel leaders present responses to the interruption.
Big boss listens to the courier.
-Big boss immediately springs into action giving orders to attack the American humvees.
80. EXT. CARTEL COMPOUND – DAY
-A swarm of bad guys with weapons are mobilized and jump into 2 ton truck with canvas cover and wood seats for the gaggle of bad guys to sit. Boss of the group jumps in a SUV and leads the way out of the cartel compound.
81. EXT. AMERICAN HUMVEES WIND THEIR WAY DOWN THE DIRT ROADS – DAY
No sense of urgency the Americans stop and take pictures of the jungle and shacks when no one is present and small rivers they drive through.
82. EXT. DIRT ROAD COMES OUT OF A SEVENTY YARD WIDE RIVER – DAY
-Two cartel members listening to a handheld radio.
-Orders are being given orders in Spanish to set up the ambush. We hear they have RPGs. They are to shoot the first humvee with a RPG when it gets to the center of the river. To stop the convoy in the middle of the river. They are to keep the Americans under fire so they cannot advance, while the compound cartel members snick up behind the Americans and waste them from the rear.
83. INT. HUMVEE – DAY
Americans enjoying the ride. Joking with each other and their new Army friends.
84. EXT. DIRT ROAD COMES OUT OF A SEVENTY YARD WIDE RIVER – DAY
-Two cartel members park their truck and get their weapons out of the back of the truck. -They find a good spot setting up to conceal themselves leaning one RPR launcher against a tree. With a second RPG rocket next to the launcher. Then pick up their AK-47s with extra magazines stuffed in their pockets.
85. INT. HUMVEE #1/HUMVEE #2 – DAY
-MSG Willis on the radio informs everyone they are coming to the wide river and cautions the second humvee driver Sam, to stay right behind the first and not stray to the left or right or left or she will have to get out and hook the chain on a tow vehicle standing in a filthy river. They all laugh. He adds that the road across underwater is not very wide so it is easy to get high centered if she gets off the lead humvee’s track. But stay back about fifty feet if she can so they are not two close while crossing.
86. EXT. DIRT ROAD COMES OUT OF A 100 YARD WIDE RIVER – DAY
-Cartel members think they hear the humbles coming. They radio the boss.
87. EXT. CARTEL TRUCKS ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
-The cartel trucks speed up driving wildly when they hear that the humvees are almost at the river.
88. EXT. DIRT ROAD GOING INTO THE RIVER – DAY
-Humvee#1 slows down and stops it stutters a little as the driver puts it into low four wheel drive. Humvee #2 follows suit taking their time and shifting into 4WD low. Then the humvees slowly make their way into the river.
-The water comes up to the bottom for the doors.
89. EXT. DIRT ROAD COMES OUT OF A SEVENTY YARD WIDE RIVER – DAY
-The two cartel members are going out of their minds they are so excited. They scream into the mike in Spanish, “They are in the river… the are in the river!”
90. INT. CARTEL TRUCKS SPEEDING ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
-The order comes back to hold on and not to shoot until they are halfway through the river and DON’T MISS!
91. EXT. DIRT ROAD COMES OUT OF A SEVENTY YARD WIDE RIVER – DAY
The cartel member with the RPG aims it through the bushes but can’t get a clear shot. He panics. They are getting closer.
-He tries again can’t see. In desperation he runs out of his cover and stands in teh middle of the road and fires.
92. EXT. HUMVEE #1 IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIVER – DAY
-The up armored Humvee takes a direct hit in the low center of the front end. The humvee shoots up in the air then falls back in the river with the front end fallen in the rocket explosion crater.
-Then automatic gunfire erupts from where the RPG was fired. They open the doors so they have cover egressing to behind the disabled humvee.
93. EXT. HUMVEE #2 – DAY
-Sam grabs her AR and response TBD latter. Need research.
-They suddenly see the trucks hurdling toward them from the rear. Realizing they are trapped.
94. EXT. WIDE RIVER AMBUSH – DAY
-In the middle of a wide river, a cartel AMBUSHES the Army humvees. Sam makes AWESOME SHOT that ends the attack. But not after some are injured GRAVELY.
-Bill breaks out his super sharp SWITCHBLADE. To cut an injured Army troop out of his seat belt under fire. (A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
NOTE: Renumber scenes when scene count gets reestablished.
77. INT. FIREHOUSE OFFICE – EVENING
-Tom finds out his wife SAM HAS BEEN INJURED. But how bad? They don’t know. News is someone died in the attack. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
78. INT. HOME KITCHEN – EVENING
-Mary finds out Bill has been INJURED. But how bad? (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
79. INT. HOME KITCHEN/GARAGE – DAY
-Mary’s sister will watch the children as Mary rushes to the hospital to see her husband. BILL is injured HOW BAD??? (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
80. EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – DAY
-Mary and Tom RUSH to the local hospital INDEPENDENTLY where their spouses have been transferred too after receiving some treatment in Honduras. Both Mary and Tom keep missing each other in the fog of their worry for their spouses, as they PASS EACH OTHER looking for a parking place. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
81. INT. HOSPITAL INFORMATION DESK – DAY
-Same thing, Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds in the hospital info desk.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
82. INT. THIRD FLOOR HOSPITAL HALLWAY – DAY
-Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
83. BY THE ELEVATORS
-Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A.7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
84. OUTSIDE ROOM 310
-Mary doesn’t find Bill in his room. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
85. NURSE’S STATION
-Same thing, Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
86. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF HOSPITAL CHAPEL
-BIG REVEAL begins. Tom and Mary Meet outside the Chapel doors and get tangled up as they are excited and want to see their spouses. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
87. INT. INSIDE THE HOSPITAL CHAPEL – DAY
-Bill in a WHEEL CHAIR is teasing Sam with a bad picture of her he had in his hand. Sam on crutches, falls into Bill’s lap boobs first into Bill’s face just as the tangled Tom and Mary bust through the door, with a spirited black chaplain right on their heels.
-BIG REVEAL UNRAVELS ALL. And a Holy Spirit moment is declared by the Chaplain. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
88. INT. HOME LIVING ROOM – DAY
-“TWO MONTHS LATER”
-Resolution results. Bill and Mary tease each other about their almost infidelity.
-Mary is BUSTED with the COLOGNE. Bill knows why he’s now wearing it.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
89. INT. HOME LIVING ROOM – DAY
-Brief humorous more to the wrap-up. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
90. INT. KITCHEN – DAY
-Bigger humous wrap-up.
-Mary REVEALS she knows about Sam’s use for “MR MARRIED MAN” on Bill.
-Mary’s CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES and her relationship with the whole fire department. All in good humor. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
-
Subject: Neil’s Elevated Story Beats
Military Family Blues
Logline: During a deployment, two spirited, unrelated military reserve families on the verge of divorce inadvertently begin to humorously find solace from the other family’s spouses before the deployment turns deadly.
Beat Sheet
INT. BILL AND MARY’S HOUSE – MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
-Bill wakes and gets ready to leave for his deployment. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
2. LIVING ROOM – SHORT TIME LATER
-Bill finishes packing his duffle bag with a bottle of WHISKEY and a SWITCHBLADE. Leaves a CARD and ANNIVERSARY GIFT on the table. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
3. BOYS BEDROOM
-Bill kisses the boys while they are still sleeping. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
4. MASTER BEDROOM
-Bill kisses is daughter and turns to Mary, his wife, and she explodes, “I want a divorce!” -Shocking Bill deeply and put him at a disadvantage. (A. 7, B. 9 C. 9, D. 9)
5. INT. SAMATHA (SAM) IN HER SUV – NIGHT
-Sam is distraught about something as she drives to the Air Force base. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
6. INT. BILL DRIVING IN HIS SUV – NIGHT
-Bill in shock trying to drive to the Air Force base. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
7. EXT. AIR FORCE BASE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
-Sam pulled herself together and heads to report for duty. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
8. INT. CIVIL ENGINEERING ASSEMBLY ROOM – EARLY MORNING
-Meet the AF Civil Engineers mechanical systems team. Sam explains Bill is the only guy she trusts because he is, “MISTER MARRIED MAN.” (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
9. INT. FIRE STATION LOCKER ROOM – DAY
-Tom, Sam’s husband talks with the fire station chaplain about his troubled marriage. Also, chaplain tells Tom to look-out for a military family that needs help with home repairs that they could help. Chaplain tell Tom to read PROVERBS 5:15-19. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
10. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY
-Sam and Bill talk on the long flight to Honduras. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
11. INT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT – EVENING
-Mary, Bill’s wife meets Tom for the first time. He helps her. They don’t know their spouses are deployed together. It is snowing hard as Tom fixes her flat tire. Mary notices TOM’S COLOGNE and likes it, a lot. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
12. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY (CONTINUED)
-Sam and Bill find out they are BOTH ON THE VERGE OF DIVORCE. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
13. FLASHBACK – INT. BASE CIVILIAN OFFICE – NIGHT
Bill remembers how his boss noticed he was over doing work. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
14. FLASHBACK CONTINUES – INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
-Bill remembers how Mary didn’t like his temporary fixes for the DISHWASHER and broken BACK DOOR. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
15. I/E. GARAGE/DRIVEWAY – DAY
-Mary arrives home and fines out Tom followed her home. Creepy at first. But finds out only his wife is deployed too. He guesses she is in Saudi the last place he knows she went too. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
16. INT. KITCHEN – DAY
-Disheveled but sexy Mary feeding their two children and breastfeeding the youngest. When the doorbell sounds. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
17. I/E. FRONT DOOR – DAY
-Storm is over. Tom’s offers to snow blow her property.
Mary relents as she lets her guard down. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
18. INT. GARAGE – DAY
-Mary caught bare foot wearing only “wear at home PJs,” with no bra. She is bounding around the garage with her bare feet on the super cold floor. Tom secretly notices and likes what he sees but tries not to look for moral reasons. MAN OF INTEGRITY FIGHTING HIS INSTINCTS.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
19. INT. BEDROOM – DAY
-Mary listens to the sound of the snowblower as she brushes her hair and quickly getting dressed.
-Mary watches Tom from the window wondering. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
20. KITCHEN – LATER
-Mary hears the snowblower in the garage. Reacts by stopping what she is doing quickly and heads for the door to see this CURIOUSLY INTRIGUING POLITE MAN THAT SMELLS GOOD.
(A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
21. INT. GARAGE – DAY
-Mary barefoot bounding around the garage again. Tom asked if they needed any repairs for the house. His fire station is looking for a military family that needs help. Mary identifies the old DISHWASHER AND broken BACK DOOR. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
22. EXT. VISITING NCO TRANSIT QUARTERS – DAY
-Sam assigns the room next to her room to Bill reminding him he is married, so don’t peek through the gaps in the walls from the rough hewn wood, “MISTER MARRIED MAN.” (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
23. INT. TRANSIT NCO QUARTERS HALLWAY – DAY
-Bill rushes out to go shower. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
24. SAM’S ROOM
-Sam laughs realizes the shower is about to close for cleaning and Bill does not realize it yet. Then leaves to see what is about to happen. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
25. INT. MEN’S LATRINE SHOWER BAY – DAY
-Muscular Bill is in the vast, wide-open bay shower room at the shower in the furthest corner. He is soaping himself up. (A. 7, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
26. MEN’S SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE/SHOWER BAY – DAY
-The three Honduran women suddenly realize someone is in the shower as they sneak to the shower bay door and peek in.
-Sam comes up behind them, startling them as she is holding her finger to her lips. They relax.
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
27. SHOWER BAY
-Bill hears a sound, stops, looks around, but does not see anything. He returns to showering.
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
28.SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE.
-Ladies block the Shower room door forcing Bill to have to push past them. (A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
29. SHOWER BAY
-Bill struts toward the ladies blocking the door to the beat of Stay’en Alive in his head. Big smile. He is beginning to get his mojo back after the shock from Mary as he was leaving.
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
30. SHOWER BAY ENTRANCE/DRYING ROOM
-Bill pushes through the ladies line getting his ass slapped, boobs shimmying in his face and Sam hands him is towel. Sam watches as a hand print from the slap begins to appear. Bill red faced but cares on until he leaves.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN.”
(A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
31. INT. HOUSE BEDROOM – NIGHT
-Tom follows the oldest son James six years old into the master bedroom not realizing at first Mary is breast feeding Christiana and is totally topless in the privacy of her bedroom. (A. 9, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
32. MASTER BEDROOM
-Mary wearing only baggy old gym shorts was a little shocked but a pro at breast feeding so she smiles at Tom’s huge reaction. Stumbling as he tries to retreat with James not moving fast at all. (A. 8, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
33. HALLWAY
-Shocked Tom runs back out into the hall and apologies through the now cracked door.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
34. MASTER BEDROOM
-Mary has a panic attack or baby blues. Tom comforts her.
-Tom tells why he was there. The dishwasher will be replaced tomorrow. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
35. EXT. HONDURAS MILITARY BASE – EVENING
-Airmen arrive at La Ceba Honduran Army base. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
36. INT. BUS – EVENING
-Everyone blocked by a senior NCO until someone breaks wind and they all push pass the weak leader. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
37. EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUS – DAY
-They get briefed by special forces in civilian clothes. Warned about deadly snakes and critters in the showers and tall grass.
-Maj Fox toys with them. Airmen vow to get even before they leave in the morning. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
38. INT. AIR FOCE TENT – EVENING
-Airmen split up between two tents. Sam and Bill have their cots next to each other. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
39. INT. AIR FORCE TENT – NIGHT
-Heavy rain storm in the middle of the night. Bill notices Sam is not wearing a bra under her tight tee shirt. Tries not to stare as he thinks about he maybe getting divorced. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
40. INT. AIR FORCE TENT – NIGHT
-Sam gets Bill up at 4:30 to check the women’s shower hooch for snakes.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
41. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER HOOCH – NIGHT.
-Sam waits outside as getting playful Bill goes into he shower. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
42. INT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT
-Bill opens the door finding the lights then walks around banging things with his long three-cell flashlight. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
43. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT
-The urge to say something wildly inappropriate surges through his brain.
-Sam asks him to sit outside the door and guard it while she showers. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
44. EXT. WOMEN’S SHOWER – NIGHT.
-Bill sitting on the steps notices Maj Foxes hooch next door. He bull shits two Army troops telling them he just saw a coral snake go under the hooch across from them. (A. 8, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
45. EXT. MAJOR FOX’S HOOCH – NIGHT
-As they are running to check to see if it came out the other side. Bill yells he saw it going hole in the floor board. Noise and lights increase as other join the search outside. Bill hears the major moving furniture around in his hooch, as Sam comes out of the Women’s shower hooch and they walks away quickly. (A. 7, B. 8, C. 9, D. 9)
46. EXT. TRAIL BACK TO TENT – EARLY MORNIN
-Sam and Bill romantically begin to walk back to their tent bumping shoulders. (A. 7, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
47. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY
-Mary shows the two young firemen her broken dishwasher. On the verge of divorce and Intimacy deprived, Mary looks at these young men briefly as she shares her home made CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. They jump in and enjoy a few. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
48. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY
-Mike and Alex show Mary her new top-of-the-line last years model dishwasher. She is moved to tears she is so relieved.
-CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
49. EXT. DIRT PATH BACK TO TENT – EARLY MORNING
-Sam wants to know what he was doing. He fills her in and suggests maybe he should have told all the guys there was a snake under the shower hooch so he could see her in all her glory like she saw him. She reminded him humorously how badly she would hurt him if he ever did anything like that.
-They romantically walk toward the rising sun returning to their tent.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
50. INT. HOME DAYCARE BACK DOOR – DAY
-Mary shows two other young firemen the back door. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
51. INT. HOME DAYCARE BACK DOOR – DAY
-They show Mary the replaced new storm door.
-They get Mary’s homemade CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
52. INT. BUS – DAY
-Meet some of the other team members and see the conditions military members are forced to operate in without complaining. Just taking things in stride. School bus without A/C while it is over 100 degrees.
-Male hardbody jogging catching some females eyes. Reality for some and annoying to others but at any rate SPECIAL FORCES are in the area. Foreshadowing trouble. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
53. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – DAY
-13 AF members in one tent including a female and an Officer. The members try to plan to give Sam a little privacy. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
54. INT. SUPPLY TENT – DAY
-CE members borrow (steal) some plywood on the down low just for two short of two weeks.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
55. INT. LAS DELICIAS MOBILE FEILD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
-Field conditions for eating.
-Bill and Sam stay behind and have a heart to heart talk. They are mulling over their options privately wondering if the other would be a good partner now that their spouse want to call it quits.
-Sam fires her warning to Bill when he gets a little too frisky, “MR MARRIED MAN” (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
56. EXT. MOBILE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #1 – DAY
-Bill quickly comes up with a plan to MacGyver fix the much needed A/C for this unit. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
57. EXT. ARMY POST COMPOUND – DAY
-Bill looking for a mud flap. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
58. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT BILLS BUNK – DAY
-Bill has to break out the WHISKEY bottle he brought along to trade for a mud flap. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
59. INT. ARMY FEILD MOTOR-POOL – DAY
-Bill uses the Whiskey to have someone turn around while Bill Cuts a mud flap off a deuce and a half truck. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
60. INT. MOBLE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #1 – DAY
-Bill fashions a coupling out of the mud flap material and gets the A/C unit on the intel trailer up and running so they can now do their jobs. The coupling was on order for six months so Bill showed the Army how they could fashion parts like that coupling out of indigenous materials if you know where to look. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
61. EXT. MOBLE COMMUNICATIONS TRAILER #2 – DAY
-Bill swamps two legs on the 3 phase power cable providing power to the trailer and the A?C unit fan that was running backwards began to run forwards so now this trailer’s A/C could keep the intel equipment from over heating. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
62. EXT. TENT CITY – NIGHT
-Warning sirens blast in the night. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
63. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT
-Bill checks his watch 0330 hrs Army troop is yelling to get their asses out and into the near-by bunker. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
64. EXT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT
-Air Force in their underwear beat feet for the bunker WITHOUT FLASHLIGHTS. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
65. INT. SANDBAG BUNKER – NIGHT
-Bill and Sam are packed in the bunker tight with Army and AF troops packed body-to-body in their underwear. Sam feels someone touching her butt so Bill swings her around so her back is on the sandbag wall and Bill is eyeball to eyeball with her. Next they are pushed together so they are body to body. Billy accident touches her barrels breasts and has a man reaction to the situation. They both are overcome with DESIRE in the pitch black. (A. 9, B. 8, C. 8, D. 9)
66. INT. AIR FORCE HARDBACK TENT – NIGHT
-Bunker drill over they rush back to their cots. Bill and Sam are totally FRUSTRATED and ridden with GUILT. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
67. INT. HOSPITAL BED – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
-Sam has a flashback about how Tom saved her life. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
68. INT. HOME KITCHEN – DAY
-Mary has all the guys that helped her over for dinner to show her thanks.
-Mary secretly really like Tom’s COLOGNE. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
69. LIVING ROOM
-CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
-Tom and Mary sit and talk after the other guys leave. They are getting drawn to each other.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
70. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
-“adventure AWAITS” PLAQUE that she and Bill received when they got married, falls out of a box catching Mary by surprise. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
71. FLASHBACK MONTAGE – BILL AND MARY’S CHEERFUL WEDDING RECEPTION – DAY
-How they received the PLAQUE. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
72. INT. FIREHOUSE OFFICE – DAY
-BIG REVEAL: Tom finds out Sam didn’t willing pose for nude pictures. She was drugged. Their separation is based on her being victimized not faulting her body to strangers! Tom has a what did I do moment. He’s very upset with himself. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
73. INT. TEMPORARY FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
-Thank you lunch from the Army to the AF airmen that have repaired a lot of the infrastructure problems they were having. Now can get to work much better with their mission. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
74. EXT. TEMPORARY FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
-Air Force and Army assemble to go for a drive so the AF can see the surrounding jungle area.
(A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
75. EXT. MONTAGE HONDURAN COUNTRYSIDE DIRT ROADS – DAY
-Honduran Countryside. (A. 5, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
76. EXT. WIDE RIVER AMBUSH – DAY
-In the middle of a wide river, a cartel AMBUSHES the Army humvees. Sam makes AWESOME SHOT that ends the attack. But not after some are injured GRAVELY.
-Bill breaks out his super sharp SWITCHBLADE. To cut an injured Army troop out of his seat belt under fire. (A. 9, B. 9, C. 9, D. 9)
77. INT. FIREHOUSE OFFICE – EVENING
-Tom finds out his wife SAM HAS BEEN INJURED. But how bad? They don’t know. News is someone died in the attack. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
78. INT. HOME KITCHEN – EVENING
-Mary finds out Bill has been INJURED. But how bad? (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
79. INT. HOME KITCHEN/GARAGE – DAY
-Mary’s sister will watch the children as Mary rushes to the hospital to see her husband. BILL is injured HOW BAD??? (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
80. EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – DAY
-Mary and Tom RUSH to the local hospital INDEPENDENTLY where their spouses have been transferred too after receiving some treatment in Honduras. Both Mary and Tom keep missing each other in the fog of their worry for their spouses, as they PASS EACH OTHER looking for a parking place. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
81. INT. HOSPITAL INFORMATION DESK – DAY
-Same thing, Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds in the hospital info desk.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
82. INT. THIRD FLOOR HOSPITAL HALLWAY – DAY
-Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
83. BY THE ELEVATORS
-Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A.7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
84. OUTSIDE ROOM 310
-Mary doesn’t find Bill in his room. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
85. NURSE’S STATION
-Same thing, Tom and Mary both MISS EACH OTHER by seconds. (A. 6, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
86. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF HOSPITAL CHAPEL
-BIG REVEAL begins. Tom and Mary Meet outside the Chapel doors and get tangled up as they are excited and want to see their spouses. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
87. INT. INSIDE THE HOSPITAL CHAPEL – DAY
-Bill in a WHEEL CHAIR is teasing Sam with a bad picture of her he had in his hand. Sam on crutches, falls into Bill’s lap boobs first into Bill’s face just as the tangled Tom and Mary bust through the door, with a spirited black chaplain right on their heels.
-BIG REVEAL UNRAVELS ALL. And a Holy Spirit moment is declared by the Chaplain. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
88. INT. HOME LIVING ROOM – DAY
-“TWO MONTHS LATER”
-Resolution results. Bill and Mary tease each other about their almost infidelity.
-Mary is BUSTED with the COLOGNE. Bill knows why he’s now wearing it.
(A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
89. INT. HOME LIVING ROOM – DAY
-Brief humorous more to the wrap-up. (A. 7, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
90. INT. KITCHEN – DAY
-Bigger humous wrap-up.
-Mary REVEALS she knows about Sam’s use for “MR MARRIED MAN” on Bill.
-Mary’s CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES and her relationship with the whole fire department. All in good humor. (A. 8, B. 7, C. 7, D. 9)
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Subject: Neil’s Character Profiles
What I learned doing this assignment is how to sharply focus on each of my main characters to ensure they have traits that fit the narrative in the story.
Logline: Four disenfranchised spouses from two unrelated military reserve families on the verge of divorce begin to find solace from the other’s family spouses before the deployment turns deadly.
Character Profiles
Bill, husband to Mary, selfless resourceful, forever learner, opportunist, and over-anxious for promotions because he wants to provide better for his family.
Logline: Over anxious Husband’s learns how he alienated himself from his family.
Mary, wife to Bill, selfless hard worker, a husband that listens to her, tired, highly frustrated, desperately needs alone time with Bill, a family vacation, breastfeeding their baby, and help with chores around the home.
Logline: Mary explodes at her husband at the end of her rope, demanding a divorce.
Samantha (Sam), Wife to Tom, sexually abused by her family growing up, hardworking tomboy, over-anxious to do her part in providing money to the family budget, sharp-shooter, mechanically inclined, skeletons in her closet she is not proud of.
Logline: A broken-hearted wife is falsely accused of a horrendous act by her husband, that does not know she was drugged.
Tom is a selfless, hardworking, loyal family man with a difficult job as a first responder fireman, heart of gold, and stressed by family members and friends that he might have rushed in and married an undeserving woman.
Logline: Caving to fears from his family and friends, the husband separates himself from his wife on false allegations, breaking up his beloved family.
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Neil’s Beat Sheet for Military Family Blues
What I learned from this lesson is I had a breakthrough. I realize why just about every producer I have talked to asked for a beat sheet. I have this screenplay written, and I thought it was pretty close to as good as possible. Sadly as I started to flesh out the beat sheet, I saw many disconnects and things that were clear to me but others were not seeing because I wrote them so subtle.
The beat sheet I am developing is a rough product right now, but I am developing a style that will clearly expose all the foreshowing and subtle clues planted throughout the story. The below shows the beginning of the four main character’s walk. I am now cleaning up apparent disconnects but see how I can do better with my dialogue and situations to make the subtext clearer to those looking for it. I am sure that is exactly what a producer wants before investing too much time.
It will also show A-list actors clearly the walk they will be nailing in the subtext and situations to raise the tension to its highest level. Giving them goals and challenges to shoot for. So below is the first twenty scenes roughed out and ensuring I nail the dialogue and situations I create to the must-haves to drive the story properly.
Doing this process shows precisely what needs to be in the dialogue, so later on, in the next rewrite, I will concentrate on making the dialogue as succinct as possible.
For the last eight years, I have been taking classes, learning the bricks that make up a good screenplay, but this lesson has shown me the mortar that holds the bricks together.
This is beginning of my beat sheet for the entire screenplay. I will add more with each lesson.
Logline: Two unrelated military reserve families are on the brink of divorce as a member from each family is deployed to Honduras for a humanitarian tour but are reassigned to the Army and then caught in a deadly cartel ambush.
Military Family Blues Beat Sheet
1. INT. BILL AND MARY’S HOUSE – MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
Bill wakes and gets ready to leave for his deployment.
2. LIVING ROOM – SHORT TIME LATER
Bill finishes packing his duffle bag with a bottle of WHISKEY and a SWITCHBLADE. Leaves a CARD and ANNIVERSARY GIFT on the table.
3. BOYS BEDROOM
Bill kisses the boys while they are still sleeping.
4. MASTER BEDROOM
Bill kisses his daughter and turns to Mary, his wife, and she explodes, “I want a divorce!” Shocking Bill deeply and putting him at a disadvantage.
5. INT. SAMATHA (SAM) IN HER SUV – NIGHT
Sam is distraught about something as she drives to the Air Force base.
6. INT. BILL DRIVING IN HIS SUV – NIGHT
Bill is in shock, trying to drive to the Air Force base.
7. EXT. AIR FORCE BASE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Sam pulls herself together and heads to report for duty.
8. INT. CIVIL ENGINEERING ASSEMBLY ROOM – EARLY MORNING
Meet the AF Civil Engineers mechanical systems team. Sam explains Bill is the only guy she trusts. “MISTER MARRIED MAN.”
9. INT. FIRE STATION LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Tom, Sam’s husband, talks with the fire station chaplain about his troubled marriage. Also, the chaplain tells Tom to look out for a military family that needs help with home repairs that they could help. The chaplain tells Tom to read PROVERBS 5:15-19.
10. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY
Sam and Bill talk on the long flight to Honduras.
11. INT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT – EVENING
Mary, Bill’s wife, meets Tom for the first time. He helps her. They don’t know their spouses are deployed together. It is snowing hard as Tom fixes her flat tire. Mary notices TOM’S COLOGNE and likes it a lot.
12. INT. AIR FORCE TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT – DAY (CONTINUED)
Sam and Bill find out they are BOTH ON THE VERGE OF DIVORCE.
13. FLASHBACK – INT. BASE CIVILIAN OFFICE – NIGHT
Bill remembers how his boss noticed he was overdoing work.
14. FLASHBACK CONTINUES – INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Bill remembers how Mary didn’t like his temporary fixes for the DISHWASHER and broken BACK DOOR.
15. I/E. GARAGE/DRIVEWAY – EVENING
Mary arrives home and finds out Tom followed her home. Creepy at first. But finds out only his wife is deployed too. He guesses she is in Saudi, the last place he knows she went to.
16. INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Mary feeding their two children and breastfeeding the youngest.
18. I/E. FRONT DOOR – DAY
The storm is over. Tom offers to snow blow her property.
19. INT. GARAGE – DAY
Mary is caught barefoot wearing only “wear at home PJs,” with no bra. She is bounding around the garage with her bare feet on the super cold floor. Tom secretly notices and likes what he sees but tries not to look for moral reasons. MAN OF INTEGRITY FIGHTING HIS INSTINCTS.
20. BEDROOM – DAY
Mary watches Tom snowplow. She likes what she sees but HAS A CATCH IN HER HEART DUE TO MORAL ISSUES.
21. KITCHEN – LATER
Mary hears the snowblower in the garage. Reacts by stopping what she is doing quickly and heads for the door to see this CURIOUSLY INTRIGUING MAN THAT SMELLS GOOD.
22. INT. GARAGE – DAY
Mary barefoot, bounding around the garage again. Tom asked if they needed any repairs for the house. His fire station is looking for a military family that needs help. Mary identifies the DISHWASHER AND BACK DOOR.
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What I learned doing this assignment is …this looks better and the third time is the charm. Subject: Neil’s Logline and one page outline
Logline: Two unrelated military reserve families on the verge of divorce inadvertently and unbeknown to each others spouse humorously begin to find solace from the other family’s spouses before the deployment turns deadly.
1. Opening – Meet the four main Characters Bill and Mary
Tom and Samantha (Sam)
2. Inciting Incident
Mary tells Bill she wants a divorce just as Bill is leaving in the early morning for a militarydeployment.
We find out Tom and Sam are already separated.3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. Should each couple divorce?
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
Bill and Sam are team members and have a history.
Mary meets Tom for the first time in a snow storm when Tom stops to help her.5. Mid-Point
Bill and Sam are listening to each other and beginning to draw close. Both wonderingabout the other as a spouse.
Tom helps Mary with snow removal at her house and finds out she needs some repairsdone to the house. Mary begins to size-up Tom for her new husband.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
Bill and Sam working together have a close encounter in their underwear during an Armydrill where they are packed into a crowded bomb shelter without any lights but pushed together and against the sandbag walls.
Tom arranges for a new dishwasher and new door to be installed at Mary’s house. They have dinner together with the working crew that Mary fixes in thanks for everyones help. Tom is the last to leave after splitting a bottle of wine.
7. Crisis
Bill and Sam are shot up in an ambush and medevaced home to a local hospital.8. Climax
Tom and Mary meet in the hospital hallway outside the hospital chapel where they eachfound out independently their spouse was suppose to be. They get tangled up entering the door and see Bill in a wheelchair holding something over his head and Sam on crutches aggressively trying to get it. She falls into Bills lap just as the door explodes open. All four with a stupid grin on their faces untangle from their close friends. Just as a spirited Black Chaplain comes pushing through the door and realizes he just interrupted something. “Did I miss something?” As they finish untangling from the wrong partners.
9. Resolution The chaplain takes control and watches the couples heart felt apologizes to each other for all their recently realized missteps in their marriages. The Chaplain ends with a pray of thanks for this Divine moment and he didn’t have to preach.
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What I learned doing this assignment is …the third time is the charm and this looks better…
Subject: Neil’s Logline and one page outline
Logline: Two unrelated military reserve families on the verge of divorce inadvertently and unbeknown to each others spouse humorously begin to find solace from the other family’s spouses before the deployment turns deadly.
1. Opening <div>
Meet the four main Characters.
Bill and Mary
Tom and Samantha (Sam)
2. Inciting Incident
Mary screams at Bill she wants a divorce just as Bill is leaving in the early morning for a military deployment.
We find out Tom and Sam are already separated.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
Should each couple divorce?
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
Bill and Sam are team members and have a history.
Mary meets Tom for the first time in a snow storm when Tom stops to help her.
5. Mid-Point
Bill and Sam are listening to each other and beginning to draw close. Both wondering about the other as a spouse.
Tom helps Mary with snow removal at her house and finds out she needs some repairs done to the house. Mary begins to size-up Tom for her new husband.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
Bill and Sam working together have a close encounter in their underwear during an Army drill where they are packed into a crowded bomb shelter without any lights but pushed together and against the sandbag walls.
Tom arranges for a new dishwasher and new door to be installed at Mary’s house. They have dinner together with the working crew that Mary fixes in thanks for everyones help. Tom is the last to leave after splitting a bottle of wine.
7. Crisis
Bill and Sam are shot up in an ambush and medevaced home to a local hospital.
8. Climax
Tom and Mary meet in the hospital hallway outside the hospital chapel where they each found out independently their spouse was suppose to be. They get tangled up entering the door and see Bill in a wheelchair holding something over his head and Sam on crutches aggressively trying to get it. She falls into Bills lap just as the door explodes open. All four with a stupid grin on their faces untangle from their close friends. Just as a spirited Black Chaplain comes pushing through the door and realizes he just interrupted something. “Did I miss something?” As they finish untangling from the wrong partners.
9. Resolution The chaplain takes control and watches the couples heart felt apologizes to each other for all their recently realized missteps in their marriages. The Chaplain ends with a pray of thanks for this Divine moment and he didn’t have to preach.
</div>
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Neil Werenskjold.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Military Family Deployment Blues.
Logline: Four disenfranchised spouses from two unrelated military reserve families on the verge of divorce begin to find solace from the other’s family spouses before the deployment turns deadly.
A complex drama, character-driven script that inadvertently and unbeknown to each other’s spouse humorously begins to find solace from the other’s family’s spouses before the deployment turns deadly.
As a spouse from each family, Bill, Mary’s husband, and Samantha (Sam), Tom’s spouse. Deploy to Honduras for their yearly active duty commitment as reservists, leaving Mary and Tom home. Mary and Tom do not know each other, but not for long.
While back home, child daycare provider and preschool teacher Mary struggles with her three children and a loaded grocery cart in a snowstorm. She gets help from a handsome stranger with an enticing cologne, “Tom,” Sam’s husband.
Both families are on the verge of divorce and very emotional that each military family member’s not home very much, so they can be a family.
Both couples are humorously unaware; their spouses know the other spouse, as all four have temporarily taken up with each other during this deployment that starts out innocently enough with honest intentions to simply help each other.
However, instinctively all four spouses begin to size up their new potential future spouses. Both new relationships experience growing sexual tension that produces nervousness and emotional guilt as they find themselves losing their will to stay faithful to their marriages.
The deployment is suddenly cut short when both military spouses are injured in a deadly ambush. Both are medevaced back to their home station hospital with minimum information about their physical condition being shared with their worried families back home.
While rushing to the hospital independently, Mary and Tom realize they may still have feelings for their spouses. A humorous grand reveal occurs as all four spouses meet in an embarrassing situation as a spirited, seasoned hospital Chaplain quickly appears to take control, then helps them seriously reevaluate their plans for divorce.
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Subject: Neil W Logline and One Page
As Neil’s concept and basic structure.
What I Learned doing this Assignment. I again have found more ways to succinctly express my story idea to a producer.
Military Family Deployment Blues.
Logline: Four disenfranchised spouses from two unrelated military reserve families on the verge of divorce begin to find solace from the other’s family spouses before the deployment turns deadly.
A complex drama, character-driven script that inadvertently and unbeknown to each other’s spouse humorously begins to find solace from the other’s family’s spouses before the deployment turns deadly.
As a spouse from each family, Bill, Mary’s husband, and Samantha (Sam), Tom’s spouse. Deploy to Honduras for their yearly active duty commitment as reservists, leaving Mary and Tom home. Mary and Tom do not know each other, but not for long.
While back home, child daycare provider and preschool teacher Mary struggles with her three children and a loaded grocery cart in a snowstorm. She gets help from a handsome stranger with an enticing cologne, “Tom,” Sam’s husband.
Both families are on the verge of divorce and very emotional that each military family member’s not home very much, so they can be a family.
Both couples are humorously unaware; their spouses know the other spouse, as all four have temporarily taken up with each other during this deployment that starts out innocently enough with honest intentions to simply help each other.
However, instinctively all four spouses begin to size up their new potential future spouses. Both new relationships experience growing sexual tension that produces nervousness and emotional guilt as they find themselves losing their will to stay faithful to their marriages.
The deployment is suddenly cut short when both military spouses are injured in a deadly ambush. Both are medevaced back to their home station hospital with minimum information about their physical condition being shared with their worried families back home.
While rushing to the hospital independently, Mary and Tom realize they may still have feelings for their spouses. A humorous grand reveal occurs as all four spouses meet in an embarrassing situation as a spirited, seasoned hospital Chaplain quickly appears to take control, then helps them seriously reevaluate their plans for divorce.
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I Neil Werenskjold agree to the terms on this release form.
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Hi, I’m Neil Werenskjold looking from my home office at the brilliant Ben Lomond mountain that inspired the Paramount mountain peak logo back in the 1920s.
I’ve written and rewritten my first screenplay about four times. I am ready to make a few more changes because of recent classes. I have a second screenplay, an action thriller, that is in the process of going through the same rewrites as I learn ways to add layers and punch up the dialogue.
A producer’s focus is really sinking in. They definitely have their own speak, just like every profession. Screenwriters must learn their vocabulary and use their words’ in action descriptions. Having been an extra in about five movies and a featured extra in two films, High School Musical2, I was Chef Michael, and in Unaccompanied Minor’s, I was a yelling guy that made one of the two trailers for the movie.
So far, both my screenplays have military roots from my background of 37 years with the Air Force as enlisted and a civilian retirement as a white-collar program manager. That experience tracks very close to budget management of movie projects. If I “hit the ball out of the park” with these two screenplays, I will be in a great position to pitch an idea to the Air Force Secretary of the Air Force’s Public Affair’s Entertainment Office about a series idea. If I get their support, a series would be easier to produce and find story ideas. That is what I want out of this class.
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Subject line: Neil’s Projects and Insights
The Chase is in-work. Action genre. President gets separated from Secret Service and is protected by citizens. Pitched this idea in 2000 and had several producers that were very interested. It is two-thirds completed. This could be a $5-15 million project or more, depending on A-list actors. Filmed in Utah and a few scenes on AF Base or maybe closed AF base in Wendover, Utah/Nev. saving some of the budget.
Together Again is finished, although it can be tweaked to suit the producer. This story is about the stresses on military reservist families during a deployment that happens when both families are struggling with possibly divorcing. Depending on the A-list actors and help from the Air Force Public Affairs Entertainment Office, which I am in contact with and have worked with in the past as AF Public Affairs, maybe it could be done for $1-5 million. I honestly have no experience with movie budgets, so perhaps $5-15 million.
I have been on several movie sets as an extra, and producers have given me run of the set to observe what the directors and crews do. I had even helped when some things had to be done quickly. Pitching in where I could without messing up the union rules too much. LOL Everything Hal states I have or can see that it is 100% accurate. Once a project is green lite, it’s all asses and elbows until the movie is “in the can” and off to editing. Everyone needs to be flexible and do their part with aces. There are no places for personal issues, whining or blatant safety violation issues. Everything done must be done with the highest quality the budget can afford.
I have experience with technical writing with the Air Force while under the gun, where our team took a four-day process and got it down to six hours. I was the technical writer on-site, taking notes all day, and then changed the procedures in my hotel room that night. In one week, we accomplished the task and later won awards for our work. So I can see how important it is to be flexible with the script and fast with the newly realized direction the story may take for all kinds of reasons, including the most significant consideration, the budget. What Hal is teaching here is just normal business in the rest of the world. We need to learn how to get on board or be left watching TV at home. LOL, Rock On!
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1. Your name. Neil Werenskjold
2. The words “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
3. GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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1. Name? Neil Werenskjold
2. How many scripts you’ve written? 4
3. What you hope to get out of the class?
I hope to learn more about the words and what they exactly mean when used on sets and while talking to producers and directors from this class. I want to learn how to sync better with producers, directors, and crew members so I can become someone they can depend on.
I want to see problems I can fix before anyone has to tell me.
I want people to be genuinely happy to see me when I show up, knowing I will help at whatever I can do to move projects to completion safely and that I have a great sense of humor.
I will never give up until the shoot is in the can.
Finally, I want people who depend on me to know that I am not a person who gets offended or finds excuses to stop work.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you?
I was a featured extra in Unaccompanied Minors. My scene was used for one of the two trailers for the movie and it was the reason I got to be featured briefly in High School Musical 2 as Chef Micheal. I am also retired from the Air Force.
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I was a tad frustrated with understanding the context of these scenes as well. I have not seen Lost either.
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Tom,
Just a few things to think about.
If you write this, you have to understand there are many fixed facts and protocols about the military you may not be aware of. Here are some thoughts:
Officers sign contracts for their service. They would need a good reason for being discharged before the six-year minimum if I am correct. They stay in their lanes if they want to succeed.
Do not confuse officer roles and enlists. They are distinctively different in many ways.
You will need to be able to show their lane and how they might step out of it for the overall good. That makes an excellent story, but you have to know a lot of minor facts, or you will be writing a B-movie a lot of people will know can’t be true and why.Military people, in general, cannot in any way, shape, or form outwardly harbor any old racist ideas. Be sure they would be found out if they did. We, military members, depend on each other. Our teams are our battle buddies that will save our ass if we get into trouble and visa-versa. So outward racist ideals within a group are long gone. We learn to look at the person and force ourselves to overlook that another is not our race. A person’s character depends on whether you can count on them to do their job or not is earned, but once in, there are no race issues unless your honor is lacking and you hide it well. I guess what I am driving at is try not to disrespect the military for the sake of a story. Show this is a small few that hold their racist beliefs extremely close while the main body is color blind and work well together.
Officers and enlisted have two completely different lives. You will need to show the separation. There are infantry officers familiar with recon procedures, but doctors would be fish out of water, and you would need to show that by having them mess up doing basic 101 recon. Maybe you can have them hook up with seasoned combat medics or special forces in Africa and stumble behind them as they lead the way to expose this plot. That could be a lot of fun. Hawk-Eye Pierce meets super Medic GI Joe. My son teaches medics at Fort Sam Houston, San Antonio. Ha-ha, So you are hitting close to home for me.
So, you can write this story but be aware you could inadvertently disrespect the military if you are not careful with facts and lanes. If you want to write a class act script. It can make sense there could be insiders that help a company illegally test their meds before they pass them on to the FDA for approval. And finally, we do have angels among us but remember they are God’s tools and would not be too wild. LOL Touched By an angel did a great job representing their lane.
These are my overall ideas. I hope they help.
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Tom I’ll try here too. Would you like to partner up? I’m a tad slow too. LOL My screenplay is about a deployment to Honduras. I’m AF but my family is Army. I think we have a lot in common. Drop me an email NWencourager@gmail.com Rock on! Neil Werenskjold
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Tom do you have a partner to share your work with? We both are military and it looks like you have a Christian theme just like my screenplay. My email is NWencourager@gmail.com. I have a heart for military although AF. My son and grandson are Army. If fact I may be moving to San Antonio this spring or summer. Hope we can connect. Cheers Retired MSgt. Neil Werenskjold
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Hey Kim,
I grew up in Westchester County. Born in Mount Vernon and raised in Pleasantville. Then off to Tampa like every good New Yorker until I joined the AF after getting thrown out of high school. A long story that begins with Yankee. I’ve made up for that miss-step with education and experience in mechanical, electronic, aerospace engineering, communications degrees. Also, music and acting training in New York while playing bass guitar and singing in many different groups my whole life.
Looks like you had a good run downtown in the rotten Apple. Got that from my IBM stepfather. LOL. I am a published journalist and photojournalist after 15 years of Public Affairs in the AF reserves. Journalists requested me because I’d find a way to get their shots rather than telling them “no” like my aerospace engineering inexperienced PA colleagues.
I am an opportunist, so I have many fun and educational experiences doing some cool stuff. That trait usually works out well for me but backfires too. Like when I go to Disneyland or World with my family, I’m more interested in “How’d they do that” than going on rides. I don’t know why but I think you would get that.
I’m living in Utah now, and we may be moving to Texas to be with my Grands and great-Grands this spring unless one of my screenplays takes off.
I think we have some things in common. What do you think? Neil Werenskjold