[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Career Plan

What I learned: There is still much more to learn and much more work to be done. We are only just getting started.

A. What is your overall screenwriting goal for the next six months?

Complete the screenplay that I’ve been working on throughout this course. I’m really only half way done and it needs a lot of work. My goal is to enter it into contests and see how it fares. I also want to start working on two other screenplay projects that I’ve come up with recently.

B. What are you going to do to elevate quality?

I’ve got to write every single day. I’m currently reading some screenwriters books as well as my favorite screenplays for guidance. Then I plan on using the T.O.T.E system like crazy.

C. How are you going to build a library of marketable scripts?

I’ve saved every email from the Proseries so my plan is to run it all again and come up with more high concept ideas and go from there.

D. What do you think might be your specialty (brand)?

Personally, I think that two classic genres need to be revived: Westerns and Samurai films. I’ve always favored action thrillers and I think I should learn how to write that type of genre since I have a genuine passion for those types of films.

E. How are you going build a stronger network?

I grew up in Los Angeles. My sister is a producer. My father is a gaffer. My best friend from high school is a DP. Half of my childhood friends are the sons and daughters of actors, directors, producers, etc and have followed in their parent’s footsteps. The list goes on. I think the best way to build a strong network is to reconnect with all the people I grew up with. But I definitely want to work on marketing campaigns and become a part of the ProSeries Alumni.

F. How are you going to improve your understanding of doing this business?

Reading up on current projects. Talking to people in the industry. Take some more classes and attend some seminars. But experience is the best teacher so I plan to start reaching out to folks ASAP. I figure I’ll make mistakes early so I can learn quickly.

G. How are you going to market yourself and your writing?

I’d like to have at least one completed script and three high concepts before I send my first query letter. That way, I at least look prepared when(if) someone asks: “What else you got?” Obviously, I want my work to be “ready” but I also want to give the impression that I myself am ready. I think the best way to market myself is to be surefooted and confident in my work. With that said, I will market myself with solid ideas that are sure to impress.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo knows T.O.T.E.

What I learned: Measure twice, cut once. You should always get feedback from trusted colleagues as they serve as a safety/trial run before sending your work out to producers.

Look into the future and tell us how you are going to use the TOTE Process with…

A. Script: I would send my script to my most trustworthy feedback sources. Then I would make changes based on their suggestions. Then I would send it to another feedback source. If they think it’s good then I would send the script to a potential fan. If they think it’s good, I’d send it out to a producer. If not, I’d make more changes. Then I would send it to another potential fan. And so on and forth until it is ready.

B. Query Letters: I will send my query letters by a colleague in the industry for feedback. Make changes. Send it out to a couple more friends that work in the industry. Make more changes. I want the query letter to be super intriguing so the more feedback the better. When it is ready, then I send it out to producers.

C. Network: To me, networking is like pitching for yourself rather than your film ideas. Like coming up with a solid pick up line to potential partners. I would test out ways to reach out to producers by trying it out with friends, cheerleaders and feedback sources before I try to connect with them via twitter, facebook, etc.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Query Letter

What I learned: I think I can make this shorter. It is quite a challenge to write a short synopsis. Also, I really need to enter into some contests. I have nothing for my bio.

Hi (Producer),

Hope your week is going well. I’ve got a pulse-pounding suspense thriller called “La Ventura” that I think would be great for (Production Studio).

There’s a new, hit gameshow online: Illegal immigrants running for the border. Place your bets.

When her husband is murdered over unpaid gambling debts, Irma Ventura and her sons have no choice but to cut and run towards the border to elude the clutches of the drug-lord responsible, Sapo Salazar. Upon discovering their escape, Sapo reaches out to his drug-runner in El Paso, Frank Kazakowski. Frank oversees an elaborate operation that uses drones to smuggle contraband into the US. and Sapo asks him to use his “buzzards” to help him locate Irma in the Chihuahua Desert. But after getting caught shipping drugs by the Border Patrol, Frank is forced to use his drones to help catch illegal immigrants or else be sent to prison. So, Frank comes up with an idea: With dozens of drones at his disposal, Frank and his crew create a gambling ring on the darkweb that livestreams migrants attempting to cross the El Rio Grande. All the while, fooling the U.S. agency into thinking he is simply keeping surveillance.

Irma and her sons struggle as they make the trek through the hot desert. Along the way however, they find packages with food, water and supplies. They soon discover it is drones that have been dropping them off. What they don’t know is they are now contestants on a twisted, online game show and these drones are leading them straight to a Border Patrol Station as a captivated audience watches their every move. By the time Irma realizes this, she and her family are a stones throw from U.S. soil. To ensure their safety, Irma must lure the drones away so her sons can safely make it across. In her daring attempt to bait the drones, Irma tragically falls off a cliff and dies. Upon crossing the border wall, her sons are immediately detained and because they are minors without a guardian, they are taken to a refugee facility where they are to be looked after until they are 18. Viewers leak the footage to the media and Irma’s story gains national news coverage. There is an outpour of support for Irma’s sons as several Latino families volunteer for foster care. Frank and his crew are arrested, Sapo is left with nothing and the Border Patrol is caught in a shocking scandal.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Pablo Soriano

pablosoriano83@gmail.com

(310)628-8875

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Query Letter

What I learned: I think I can make this shorter. It is quite a challenge to write a short synopsis. Also, I really need to enter into some contests. I have nothing for my bio.

Hi (Producer),

Hope your week is going well. I’ve got a pulse-pounding suspense thriller called “La Ventura” that I think would be great for (Production Studio).

There’s a new, hit gameshow online: Illegal immigrants running for the border. Place your bets.

When her husband is murdered over unpaid gambling debts, Irma Ventura and her family have no choice but to cut and run towards the border to elude the clutches of the drug-lord responsible, Sapo Salazar. Upon discovering their escape, Sapo reaches out to his drug-runner in El Paso, Frank Kazakowski. Frank oversees an elaborate operation that uses drones to smuggle contraband into the US. and Sapo asks him to use his “buzzards” to help him locate Irma in the Chihuahua Desert.

But after getting caught by the Border Patrol, Frank is forced to use his drones to help them catch illegal immigrants or else be sent to prison. So he comes up with an idea: With dozens of drones at his disposal, Frank and his crew create a gambling ring on the darkweb that livestreams migrants attempting to cross the border. All the while, fooling the Border Patrol into thinking he is simply keeping surveillance.

Irma and her sons struggle as they make the trek through the hot desert. Along the way however, they find packages with food, water and supplies. They soon discover it is drones that have been dropping them off. What they don’t know is they are now contestants on a twisted, online game show and these drones are leading them straight to a Border Patrol Station as a captivated audience watches their every move.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Pablo Soriano

pablosoriano83@gmail.com

(310)628-8875

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Pablo Soriano.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Pablo Soriano.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Logline and One-Sentence Phone Pitch

What I learned: This is starting to come together. All this hard work and reconfiguring is paying off I think. These loglines don’t tell the whole story but it is still clear and easy to visualize

3 Logline Formulas:

a. Protagonist __has problem___ and ___must achieve goal__ to solve that problem.

Irma Ventura owes money to a devious drug lord and must take her sons across the Mexican border so that they aren’t forced to work for the cartel.

b. Protagonist has __a goal__ but ___major obstacle___ stands in his/her way.

Irma Ventura must sneak her sons across the Mexican border but drones controlled by the Cartel stand in their way.

c. (Situation) causes (main character) to face (largest obstacle) and (outcome).

The murder of her husband causes Irma Ventura to face an impossible debt to a devious drug lord and she escapes with her sons across the Mexican/US border before they can be forced to work for him.

Hook: What if there was a gameshow on the darkweb that streamed illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border and viewers were allowed to place bets.

Pitch: It’s a real life Hunger Games only the contestants are Mexican immigrants trying to cross the border.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Marketable Components

What I learned: Finding what is marketable in your film can give you a big boost of confidence. It is not just coming up with a “good” story but convincing others WHY it is a “good” story and what makes it worth starting.

Logline: To escape the Mexican drug lord responsible for her husband’s murder, a mother must take her son’s across the border only to become unknowing contestants in a twisted, online game show where American viewers place bet’s on their success… or their downfall.

Components of Marketability:

C. Timely — connected to some major trend or event.

I. Similarity to a box-office success.

Possible Pitch:

It’s “The Running Man” meets “El Norte.” Not only is it timely with the state of the border crisis and the current culture wars, but it is also a commentary on social media, online gaming, and dehumanization through sports/entertainment.

It was very much inspired by films such as Hunger Games and Get Out; movies that were highly profitable. And with the success with shows like Black Mirror and Squid Games, this could appeal to not just to streaming audiences but all moviegoers. While this is an homage to other sci-fi classics, it is much more realistic in the sense that this story could actually happen today.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Network

What I learned: I have to find more fans and potential champions. It will take time and a lot of work, but I can do it.

C1. Cheerleaders/Friends.

Antonio Soriano

Sean Dabel

Clare O’Toole

Pat Farrell

C2. Feedback sources.

John Budinscak

Richard McMahon

Michelle Damis

Quincy Cooke

Chris Lukens

Joyce Calvert

Jill Liang

Alfredo V. Cierra

Andrew Kortina

C3. Potential Fans.

Scott Mason

Marlon Torres

Andrew Kortina

C4. Potential Champions.

Nina Soriano

“What potential do you already see in your network?”

I have plenty of feedback sources. And while I only have a couple of fans and one potential champion, it’s better than nothing. It’s a start. A solid one.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Marketing Strategy

What I learned: My big break is not going to just fall on my lap. I have to put myself out there.

I basically copied all these ideas from the exercise. I found these suggestions to be super helpful.

Campaign: Sell screenplays to the Studios.

Strategy 1: Target small producers with connections to Studios.

Bring in High Concept screenplays only.

Write a graphic novel, get it published.

Create a screenwriter blog to promote your writing.

Tactics:

– Call producers and pitch your script.

– Send query letters.

– Attend industry events.

– Enter contests.

– Ask everyone you know to read the script.

– Build a network on Linkedin.

– Build a network on Twitter.

– Build a network on Linkedin.

– Build a network on Facebook.

– List your script in InkTip.com.

– Attend Pitch Fests, pitching your script.

– Create a YouTube video.

– Create a graphic novel of your script.

– Create a website for your screenwriting.

– Respond to Craigslist ads for screenwriters.

– Approach managers for potential representation.

– Pitch your projects at Pitch fests.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Target Market

Title: La Ventura

Genre: Thriller/Drama

Logline: To escape the Mexican drug lord responsible for her husband’s murder, a mother must take her son’s across the border only to become unknowing contestants in a twisted, online game show where American viewers place bet’s on their success… or their downfall.

The Hunger Games

Diana Alvarez – Co-Producer

Robin Bissell – Executive Producer

Martin Cohen – Co-Producer

Suzanne Colins – Executive Producer

Chantal Fefhali – Co-Producer

Nina Jacobson – Producer

Jon Kilik – Producer

Louis Phillips – Co-Producer

Aldric La’auli – Co-Producer

Louise Rosner – Executive Producer

Bryan Unkeless – Co-Producer

Desierto

Lucas Akoskin – Associate Producer

Patrick Andre – Associate Producer

Nicolas Celis – Executive Producer

Alfonso Cuaron – Producer

Carlos Cuaron – Producer

Santiago Garcia Galvan – Executive Producer

Alex Garcia – Producer

Gael Garcia Bernal – Executive Producer

Charles Gillibert – Producer

Eireann Harper – Associate Producer

David Line – Executive Producer

The Truman Show

Edward S. Feldman – Producer

Andrew Niccol – Producer

Lynne Pleshette – Executive Producer

Richard Luke Rothschild – Co-Producer

Scott Rudin – Producer

Adam Schroeder – Producer

The Running Man

Keith Barish – Executive Producer

Rob Cohen – Executive Producer

George Linder – Producer

Tim Zinneman – Producer

The Cabin in the Woods

Jason Clark – Executive Producer

John Swallow – Co-Producer

Joss Whedon – Producer

I learned that my story does kind of touch on other films I didn’t think about before. I also learned that there can be a lot of producers on one film.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Project and Market

Title: La Ventura

1. Give us the logline for your story and the genre.

Logline: To escape the Mexican drug lord responsible for her husband’s murder, a mother must take her son’s across the border only to become unknowing contestants in a twisted, online game show where American viewers place bet’s on their success… or their downfall.

Genre: Thriller/Drama

2. In one or two sentences, tell us what you think is most attractive about your story.

Not only is it timely with the state of the border crisis and the current culture wars, but it is also a commentary on social media, online gaming, and dehumanization through sports/entertainment. It’s an homage to other sci-fi classics but it is much more realistic in the sense that this story could happen today.

3. Tell us which you will target first — agent, manager, producer, or actor and how your script fits what they need and want.

Producer. I feel that this is a story that many progressive millennials might be interested in. It was very much inspired by shows such as Black Mirror or films like Hunger Games and Get Out. All were highly successful.

4. Answer the question “What I learned today is…?”

I learned that this is might be the most important part of making it in the business. No one will want to read your screenplay unless it’s marketable. An “interesting concept” is one thing. A “marketable concept” is another.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Feedback for Michelle Damis

This is fun. I’ve always had an interest in Vampires whether it be in films or novels. They are instantly attractive and intriguing characters as they are typically cultured and/or wise due to their lifespan. I like “Ozy”, you write him well and there are a couple of parts so far that I think you should definitely keep in your screenplay.

There are points in your story that seem like notes to yourself in that they are more novelistic than screenplay description. By which I mean, the reader is told by reading it while the viewer would have no idea. But I’m sure you already know that. I do that on my first drafts as well when I want to slip something in but don’t yet know how to convey it.

It’s apparent that you have a very clear vision of all of this. But I’m not seeing an inciting incident yet and while your strength here is all the visuals I wonder if you can cut some of the introduction down a bit so you can cut to the chase a bit sooner.

I am curious as to who these teenagers might be. I’ll say now, I truly hope they aren’t merely there for Old Osgood to tell his story. After taking this course, I’m seeing this as a setup and hoping for a payoff. I only mention this because it is keeping me interested. I would continue reading to know what they have to do with the story.

I underlined my notes. Hope they help.

INT. STUDY/LIBRARY- MODERN DAY – NIGHT

An UNKNOWN MALE FIGURE sits in an expensive leather chair next to a roaring fireplace. A well-aged book wide open on his lap, the classic fairytale words, “Once Upon a Time” visible. SIBLINGS, 16yrs old, one female, one male, sit with uncertainty on the couch opposite.

MALE FIGURE(V.O.)

Let us begin. The year was…

EXT. CONCERT VENUE 1987 – NIGHT

DURAN DURAN on stage performing, “Hungry like the Wolf”. The crowd going crazy, a sea of 80’s fashion, and new-wave hair.

MALE FIGURE (V.O.)

1987?… That’s not right. Let me think… Hmm…Oh Yes!

(Why the 80’s jump? Will there be flashbacks to other eras or timelines that have to do with this story? Is this for comedic relief to kind of loosen up the mood after your dark and ominous introduction? Maybe I’m asking too early. But now, after reading this a couple of times, I’m just not seeing the use of it.)

Closeup “Twilight Zone” style clock face speeding forward.

MALE FIGURE (V.O.)

2022… I began that year as unquestionably the world’s most bored vampire and unbeknownst to me I was soon to be homeless.

INT. STUDY/LIBRARY – MOMENTS LATER

The siblings exchange a glance, half curious, half disbelief.

MALE FIGURE (V.O.)

Yes. A vampire. Completely bored with my own existence. Over 600 years of mundane, unexciting, eternal disappointment. The worst curse imaginable.

The flames of the fire transform into a pile of burning garbage, continuing into a montage of the destruction of the planet and its resources. (Great transition. We are visually diving right into the story.)

MALE FIGURE (V.O.)

Add to that, endlessly watching mortals waste. They waste everything; the planet, their resources, themselves. They repeat mistake after mistake. They never learn.

Montage shifts to: Money, banking, stock market, violence.

MALE FIGURE (V.O.)

And greed… Stupid pieces of paper they make the center of their universe. They even murder for it…the emptiest of all reasons to kill in my opinion.

Black and white clips from old vampire movies, villagers with pitchforks, etc… Blends into montage of humans committing various atrocities over time.

MALE FIGURE (V.O.)

Ironically, humans call vampires evil. Well, the ones that believe in us anyway. Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black? But, I digress(deep sigh)…back to boredom.

Clip of a “bored” stereotypical “Dracula” vampire.

MALE FIGURE (V.O.)

“Bored to death”?… I wished! Did you know that vampires cannot kill themselves? It’s literally impossible… Trust me. I tried. And tried. And tried. (This is the fourth time Osgood says the word “bored” within a page or two. This would be a good time to use a thesaurus.)

Montage of various stereotypical vampires trying to kill themselves: falling, drowning, poison, hit by train, etc… (Sunlight? Decapitation? Hire humans to kill him? I’m nitpicking here and I do see that you are breaking down the “stereotypes” of Vampire life but I’m finding this hard to believe (ironic since it’s fantasy). Later on, we see a vampire die because of the light from his cell phone, so why not kill yourself that way?)

MALE FIGURE (V.O.)

Even that got boring…

INT. OLD HISTORICAL BUILDING – NIGHT

A MALE FIGURE stands, face concealed, gazing out a window.

MALE FIGURE(V.O.)

At the time I was living in an abandoned building, it was an architectural gem and it was free. I preferred not to use currency when I could avoid it… One of my few principles.

Over the centuries I’d gone from pauper to millionaire and back several times, it was easy when you had the time on your hands that I did… It was like taking candy from a baby… which I’d also done a time or two.

This is the first time we see OSGOOD THE VAMPIRE, mid to late twenties, handsome, but not perfect. His face full of character and charm, with piercing eyes that hold centuries of stories. He is bent over a pram and a crying baby.

OSGOOD

(to camera) Did you expect a monster? Oh…and I can’t turn into a bat and I DON’T sparkle…

Flashback of Osgood at a desk piled with books. Close-ups on books: Medical, Law, Architecture, Engineering, etc…

OSGOOD (V.O.)

I also read a lot. I could’ve passed any number of exams, to be a lawyer, a doctor, an electrician. Again, time was on my side, but I hated it.

Flashback to a group of children playing in slow-motion. Time lapse footage baby to death-bed

OSGOOD (V.O.)

When humans are young time seems to go painfully slow. As they age, time continuously accelerates until their final moments are but a blur.

A flashback of Osgood with a dying patient in a hospital bed.

OSGOOD (V.O.)

Mortals have one thing in common, it’s that no one gets out alive. Whether by my hand or not, their time is finite and I envied that.

A coffin lowering into the ground.

OSGOOD (V.O.)

You know Vampires don’t sleep in coffins to avoid the sunlight, right? It’s really a symbol of what they can never have. (Love this concept. Keep this in. Very clever.)

INT. ABANDONED HISTORICAL BLDG – NIGHT

Osgood turns away from the window he was standing in earlier. Dead serious with his infinitely wise eyes.

OSGOOD

(directly into camera)

The grass IS always greener.

He crosses the room to a mirror, smoothing his hair.

OSGOOD

(in mirror)Yes… I can see my reflection.(turning to camera) More rumors.

Osgood selects a jacket off the rack and puts on his shoes.

OSGOOD (V.O.)

Think about it… Never seeing yourself change, is far worse than never seeing yourself at all. (Again, clever. This is the conundrum of eternal life explained from a unique perspective. Keep this in.)

INT. STAIRWELL ABANDONED BUILDING – NIGHT

Osgood glides down the dimly lit stairs.

OSGOOD (V.O.)

Of course, I spent my days out of the sun. Unfortunately…the daylight thing is an issue… (My point on the whole suicide thing. Too slow and painful maybe?)

EXT. ABANDONED HISTORICAL BDLG – NIGHT

Exiting the building into the cool night air. Osgood loves the smell of honeysuckle, ***he doesn’t know why exactly. *** (This is what I meant by being novelistic. How would the viewer understand from this shot/scene that Osgood doesn’t know why he loves the smell of honeysuckle? Only the reader would know this which is why I assumed that this is more of a note to yourself. He would have to tell another character this fact for the audience to know.)

A flyer posted on the nearby fence catches his eye. “NOTICE” in BIG, RED LETTERS. He reads it quickly and shoves it in his pocket before heading down the street alone.

OSGOOD (V.O.)

Nights I often met up with other vampires. We’d frequent places typically open late.

EXT. LAUNDROMAT – NIGHT

Osgood is walking past a laundromat. Through the window a LONE PERSON is seen digging thru a dryer suspiciously.

OSGOOD (V.O.)

All night laundromats were surprisingly interesting places. You wouldn’t believe how many people steal underwear. There are a few less thanks to me.

Clip of lone person with panties and a terrified face. Blood spatters on dryer door glass. From inside the machine we see Osgood wipe the blood spatter with a rag.

OSGOOD

(thru the glass)Such an easy place to clean up too. (Funny. All walks of life at a laundromat. I get a visual of some other vampire using bleach to take out tough blood stains or something.)

EXT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

Osgood walks along a wall of graffiti belonging to a nightclub. The music THUMPS from within like a heartbeat.

OSGOOD (V.O.)

Nightclubs were natural hangouts of course… Alcohol has no effect on us, no taste either. We CAN eat anything, but nothing has flavor or sustains, but blood.

A line of people wait to get into the club. A BOUNCER waves him to the front of the line letting him pass. Osgood slips him a hundred dollar bill. (Freeze-frame on bill).

OSGOOD (V.O.)

My hatred of standing in line trumps my money principle.

INT. NIGHTCLUB – CONTINUOUS

Osgood walks down a long ramp into the bar. MUSIC BLARING.

OSGOOD

(to camera) Human blood has the most flavor…animal blood varies.

Stopping at a viewpoint over a sea of mortals writhing on the dance floor like a pit of snakes. (Here we go. This is good screenwriting. Dark, poetic and so easy to visualize.)

OSGOOD

Some humans are animals.

He overlooks the crowd with a forlorn, faraway gaze.

OSGOOD (V.O.)

I started a game with myself long ago to pick the most despicable humans I could. Naively, I thought I could somehow do good.

Shrugging with disappointment.

OSGOOD

(to camera)I never made much progress.

INT. NIGHTCLUB BAR – CONTINUOUS

Osgood’s gaze transitions to his POV. A guy at the bar(MR. DRINK SPIKER, a little too old for the crowd, ex-athlete, white-privilege all but stamped on his forehead) sneaks something into a BEAUTIFUL, OBLIVIOUS WOMAN’S drink.

Across the bar a pair of fury-filled, green eyes belonging to NINA BREWSTER (23, Medusa like curls, Athena’s beauty, and all of Pandora’s curses locked up in her attitude)(cool) observes the “sly” attack. (Solid character description. Very professional.)

Without losing visuals on her target, Nina slams a shot of Vodka flavored courage, and beelines for the assailant who has no idea the wrath heading his way. Nina darts around the bar, whisks the spiked drink away from its prey and confronts the predator. She taps him on the shoulder.

NINA

Excuse me.

He turns, towering over her petite frame. She steps in closer, hand raised, drink perched in her tiny palm, smiling.

MR.DRINK SPIKER

Well Hello.

He oozes. She sparkles.

NINA

You forgot your drink at the bar, and you look REALLY thirsty.

His creeping eyes now static. She raises the drink closer to his face. Taunting.

NINA

What? It looks delicious… Come on, drink up!

His face flushes like a douchebags red Corvette(that probably is sitting in the parking lot). Nervously, he looks around, his eyes momentarily connect with Osgood’s, who has a decent seat for the show. He turns to leave, Nina grabs his arm, he comes out swinging, Nina ducks.

The commotion catches the BARTENDERS attention, he and a BOUNCER are on the spot in seconds, but not before Nina throws the drink in Mr. Drink Spikers face. He lunges at her. The bouncer is bigger and quicker, the douchebag is in a headlock before he knows what’s happened.

BARTENDER

What’s going on here?

NINA

He put something in that woman’s drink.

Motioning to the still oblivious beauty at the bar.

NINA

I thought he might like a sip.

MR.DRINK SPIKER

That’s BULLSHIT!

He screams from the headlock that just got a bit tighter.

MR.DRINK SPIKER

I don’t know what she’s talking about.

He barely squeaks out. His red flush quickly turning blue.

BARTENDER

We’ll take it from here. In the future, let us handle it, OK?

NINA

Suuuure.

BARTENDER

(leaning close) And hey, drinks are on the house for you tonight. Good work. (I don’t think this is all that necessary. We already get that she is a heroine from this scene. Getting a reward of free drinks for a good deed seems cheap given that she wasn’t doing it for anyone’s approval. With that said, this whole scene drags out a bit too long. When you catch a creep red-handed, I don’t think you need all that back and forth. We get a lot just from her actions, you can trim some dialogue. I suggest to cut some fat and gain some blank page here.)

He discreetly extends his hand for a fist-bump, only to receive a thankless eye-roll.

Nina’s cell phone VIBRATES. Text reads, “WE’RE HERE!” Looking up, she spots THREE FRIENDS about her age. They look like they all just walked out of Forever 21. She heads their way.

Osgood follows Nina with his eyes, not breaking his stare even when a SEXY WAITRESS interrupts him.

SEXY WAITRESS

Can I get you a drink?

OSGOOD

I’ll be having a drink later.

The sexy waitress moves on…her ego almost bruised.

Osgood stands fixated until ELLIS (30’s, strong, black vampire) and YEE-LING (early 40’s, Chinese vampire. Her elegant, shiny hair falling to her waist) both appear out of nowhere on either side of him as he watches Nina.

“Freeze” on Ellis(text across screen)“Vampire-401 Years”.

“Freeze” on Yee-Ling(text across screen)“Vampire-192 Years”.

Ellis leans closer registering Osgood’s view of Nina.

ELLIS

For later?

OSGOOD

I don’t think so…

Yee-ling glances at her phone.

OSGOOD (V.O.)

Yes, vampires text. Why wouldn’t we? Who do you think invented the blue light filter?

Flashback of a stereotypical vampire looking at an old cell phone with a bright screen going up in a puff of smoke. (Hilarious. But again, seems like an easy way to commit suicide.)

OSGOOD (V.O.)

Serious lifesaver…(This line contradicts his thoughts of killing himself… Alright I’ve made my point.)

YEE-LING

Pasha is waiting for us, come on…

INT. NIGHTCLUB/VIP COUCH AREA – MOMENTS LATER

PASHA (the fittest 85-year-old Russian on the planet. The baby of the group, bottom of the pecking order) Pasha enthusiastically waves Yee-Ling and the others over to private, plush, white VIP couches.

“Freeze” on Pasha (text across screen) “Vampire – 2 Years”

Osgood positions himself where he can still see Nina across the dance floor. A waitress drops off bottle service.

ELLIS

Ozy…What’s new with you?

Osgood really hates that word, ”new”(Again, novelistic. How would the viewer know he hates the word “new”? He’ll need to respond to the question in some way for your audience to understand. If it’s the glare in your next sentence, I assumed that his gaze was still on Nina.) His glare quickly changes as he remembers something. He reaches into his pocket and throws the folded piece of paper at Ellis. Yee-ling, panther-like, snatches it out of the air.

ELLIS

What is it?

Yee-ling scans it quickly.

YEE-LING

Ozy has to move… Again.

She tosses the paper to Ellis. CLOSE-UP ON FLYER. Osgood’s building is being torn-down to build fancy new condos.

ELLIS

Why don’t you just give in and buy one of these new condos? It’ll be years before the gentrification catches up.

YEE-LING

(mocking)Because he looooves his “architecture”…

PASHA

Yeah, Ellis told me you have plenty of money…

Pasha realizes he should just shut up. A phone RINGS. Yee-ling answers.

YEE-LING

(speaking perfect Swedish)

Osgood looks at Ellis confused.

ELLIS

Babbel… She’s addicted…

They listen to her in awe. Yee-ling hangs up.

YEE-LING

That was Magnus, he wants us to meet him at the bowling alley.

Pasha excitedly hops up, his young Vampire status keeps him enthusiastic. Give him a few years. (Is this meant to be a V.O.? I ask because of the sentence: “give him a few years”. If not, this is also novelistic.)

ELLIS

Let’s go then…

Before following the others out Osgood scans the room, getting a last glance of Nina on the dance floor.

EXT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT

Osgood and the others exit, the cops are next to a squad car wrapping up with Mr. Drink Spiker.

Ellis, Yee-Ling and Pasha immediately head down the street. Osgood doesn’t move.

PASHA

(yelling) Ozy…?

In the background Mr. Drink Spiker sulks away, citation in hand.

OSGOOD

I’m just not up for Magnus tonight. You guys go.

YEE-LING

(in Russian)Suit Yourself.

ELLIS

(to Pasha) What did she say? Never mind, I can’t keep up…

Osgood watches them walk away, then heads in the opposite direction. He quickly catches up with Mr. Drink Spiker who is fumbling with his keys.(which of course ARE to a “douche-bag-mobile” sportscar). The two make eye contact. It’s true that the eyes can say it all.

An incoherent blur of fast movement, blood spatters on car window.

INT. NIGHTCLUB/DANCE FLOOR – NIGHT

Nina dances the night away, her whole life ahead of her. Music pumping, flashing red lights transition into.

INT. BREWSTER HOUSE MAIN BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING

Flashing red of alarm clock – 4:50am. A manicured hand silences the alarm.

MARIN BREWSTER, (mid 50’s, healthy and vibrant looking, even at the crack of dawn) slides quietly out of the bed. She tries not to disturb her husband of 30 years.

JIM BREWSTER (mid 50’s. George Bailey, Ted Lasso and Rudy (NOT Giuliani BTW) rolled into one. Seriously the best person anyone knows). He even looks happy when he sleeps. (Like)

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Pablo Soriano.

[Pablo Soriano]

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAWN

A cracked, dusty window looks out over some flat, obscure terrain as the sun creeps over the horizon. CRASH. A flashlight cracks the window, a few more times for good measure as light floods into the room. We now see it’s a vast desert.

ANDRES(V.O): My mother was never someone who liked to start any trouble.

IRMA, a cute, Catholic mother that, with just a look, could make the Devil feel guilty, splashes some fluid on the arm of a ragged couch. She lights a match. The light from the flame reveals a black eye and a scab on her lip.

ANDRES(V.O.): But she would if she felt she had to.

She gives the sign of the cross and whispers a short prayer before she gently flings the match on the fabric. As the fire spreads, she looks over to the next room. As the fire spreads, she looks over to the next room.

IRMA(Whisper): Antonio.

INT. NURSERY – DAWN

ANDRES(V.O.): My brother, on the other hand, would start trouble on a whim.

ANTONIO, a turbulent teen, was marveling at the damage he had already done. Standing in a child’s bedroom as an old crib burns along with several stuffed animals. Satisfied, he dashes out.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Irma hands Antonio a small duffel bag.

ANTONIO: Where’s Andres?

CRASH.

INT. KITCHEN – DAWN

ANDRES is a small and decent child. Powdered with dirt and sand, he hesitantly stabs at the remaining kitchen windows with a broom handle.

ANDRES(V.O.): I never liked to break rules, much less break a window.

IRMA(O.S.): Andres. That’s good enough.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAWN

Andres enters looking at his mother as if waiting for the next instruction. She grabs both of her sons by the arm and pulls them by the front door which is wide open. She pulls them down to a crouch.

ANDRES: Now what, mama?

IRMA: We wait for more smoke. Try not to breathe it in. We’ll need a lot of it to cover us.

EXT. GHOST TOWN – DAWN

As the smoke begins to drape over the abandoned houses, a drone ominously hovers above, its propellers wisp the smoke into black coils.

TITLE SCREEN: THREE DAYS EARLIER

EXT. DESERT – NIGHT

Dead of night, the rocks and cacti are as still as the moon overhead. Some whispers and gravelly footsteps break the silence as a gaunt, Mexican man crouches behind tarbush. A young girl piggybacks aiming a flashlight ahead. He’s out of sorts, and the small flashlight isn’t much help. BUZZ. He frantically scans left and right, looking for the source of the sound. Frightened, scrambles from one desert fauna to the next. The man looks back with his flashlight but still can’t find where the sound is coming from. One deep breath and he picks up a sprint.

EXT. EL RIO GRANDE – NIGHT

We see a bird’s eye view of the father and daughter in night vision. His eyes glow brightly, visibly showing fear as he desperately makes his way across the shallow Rio Grande.

He heads towards the massive metal fence. All the while, the night vision camera from above follows them as they walk along the fencing.

EXT. TEXAS BORDER – NIGHT

With urgency, the man runs along the fencing and with a sigh of relief, comes upon an opening. He passes through. Suddenly a spotlight from an SUV blinds him. The side of the car reads: U.S. BORDER PATROL.

OFFICER(in Spanish): Stop! Don’t move!

With the light now on him, we see he is drenched in sweat, his shirt is torn apart. His daughter is sunburnt and her lips are chapped and bleeding. Completely defeated, he doesn’t put up any fight as he is completely surrounded by men in green uniforms. The gaunt man hears the BUZZ again. He looks up to see several drones hovering over him.

INT. US BORDER PATROL, EL PASO SECTOR – NIGHT

Chief Patrol Agent THOMPSON, as shown on his badge, a tree stump of a man, stares at the monitor displaying the apprehension of the illegal immigrants in night vision. The gaunt man on-screen stares back before he is then collected by the officers. Thompson is accompanied by a few other agents of varying ranks though he is clearly the one in charge. All are standing, aside from one man who sits on an old office chair. FRANK KAZAKOWSKI(50), a rough-looking man with a clean crew cut, sits rigidly with a look of indifference. He is no agent. His left hand is handcuffed to the arm of the chair.

THOMPSON: So how long do the batteries last on those birds?

Frank clenches his jaw.

THOMPSON: I asked you a question, Frank.

FRANK: I did what you asked. What is it that you want?

Thompson is unruffled.

THOMPSON: This was just a trial run. But I’d say it went well. Which is good… For your sake.

Frank leans back on his chair, ready to listen.

THOMPSON: You’re gonna help us. You’ll be my eyes in the sky.

Frank smirks.

FRANK: I highly doubt you’ll get the approval.

THOMPSON: Who says I’m requesting any?

Frank chuckles.

FRANK: Won’t the DEA be expecting you to hand me over?

Thompson shakes his head.

THOMPSON: They don’t know you’re here. They have no idea about your drug-smuggling drones.

Frank’s smile disappears. Thompson closes in.

THOMPSON: Here’s the deal: Your team is done importing goods. From now on, you work for me. And you’re going to help me catch illegals.

FRANK: Like hell, I will.

THOMPSON: It’s that or you and friends go straight to prison. We know where your men are. Just one phone call and this deal goes up in smoke.

Frank shakes his head. Thompson gets in closer.

THOMPSON: How long you think you would last in County Detention, Frank. Sapo’s got some connections there. They find out you’ve been pinched, they’re going to want to make sure you keep your mouth shut. Permanently.

Beat.

FRANK: So what, you’re going to put me on the payroll?

Thompson squints.

FRANK: We’re going to need some… “government funding” if you will. My birds don’t fly for free. There will be costs.

Thompson turns to look at his men. He laughs heartily. The other agents echo his laughter.

THOMPSON: This is a simple offer, Frank. The only exchange we’re going to make is you telling me when the wetbacks reach the wall and where we can find them. Other than that, I’ll pretend you don’t exist.

FRANK: That ain’t fair. That’s a shit ton of man-hours for nothin’.

THOMPSON: You’re a smart man. I’m sure you’ll find other ways to make an income. But it ain’t gonna be with Sapo. Cuz if I find out you bring even an ounce into Texas, I’ll bury you my fuckin’ self.

Thompson takes Frank’s silence for compliance. He unlocks the handcuffs and hands Frank an outdated smartphone.

THOMPSON: I’ll be in contact. And you’d better answer. Now get the fuck out of my sight.

Frank rubs his wrist as he gets up and heads for the door.

THOMPSON: Oh and Frank?

Frank stops but doesn’t turn.

THOMPSON: Not a single person makes it across on your watch, you got it? If one stinkin’ spick gets through, you’re done.

Frank is already walking out the door and doesn’t bother closing it behind him.

INT. ESCANDON RESIDENCE – DAY

Irma stands defiantly with a mop as she wards off her husband, RICARDO, the town drunk. She’s got one black eye and a bloody lip. He isn’t without a couple of lumps either.

ANDRES(V.O.): Like I said… If she had to… start trouble, that is.

Irma whips the mophead at her husband causing him to flinch.

ANDRES(V.O.): As for my father? Well. Trouble stuck him like the stench of booze.

RICARDO: You won’t make it.

IRMA: You think I won’t try? Lord knows you won’t come after us.

RICARDO: No?

IRMA: Not a chance. You’d miss the craps table too much. And the free tequila.

RICARDO: Irma. Why are you making this so difficult?

IRMA: Ricardo. I’ve told you, there is no more money.

RICARDO: You’ve always got a stash somewhere.

IRMA: Not anymore. You’ve spent it all.

RICARDO: Well, then how do you think you’re going to make it to the States, then? The Coyotes don’t do it for free.

IRMA: It’s already been taken care of.

RICARDO: Irma. Sapo is going to kill me.

IRMA: I will sleep soundly knowing that it was no fault of mine.

Ricardo leaps at her and grabs the mop handle. Right as he’s about to give her another blow…

ANDRES(OS): Stop!

ANDRES, the youngest and most gentle son, is at the doorway, eyes already welling up. ANTONIO, comes up right behind him. Once he sees the situation, he shoves his little brother out of the way and lunges at his father. Both grab each other by the collar as Irma pushes the dirty mop into her husband’s face.

ANDRES: I said STOP!!!

Everyone freezes in their offensive poses. Ricardo shoves his son off as Antonio snarls at him.

ANDRES(V.O.): This is the last time we’d all be together. This is the last memory of my father.

Andres begins to cry and runs into his room, his school backpack awkwardly bouncing.

ANTONIO(to Ricardo): It’s not like you can beat more money out of us. Just fuck off already.

RICARDO: Don’t talk to your father like–

ANTONIO: Fuck! Off!!

IRMA: Antonio. Go see if Andres is alright.

Antonio fakes a punch and Ricardo flinches as he storms out of the room. Ricardo gives one more desperate look at Irma.

RICARDO: What am I going to tell Sapo, eh?

IRMA: Tell him I say “hi.” What the fuck do I care.

Ricardo leaves and Irma holds her mop the way a conquistador would stick a flag in the territory they now claim. Her firmness begins to melt as she starts to weep. But only for a moment. She gathers herself and cleans up the mess their fight had caused. Antonio stands on the doorway.

IRMA: How is Andres?

ANTONIO: How do you think? You should be the one to talk to him.

Irma points to her black eye.

IRMA: Maybe not right away.

Antonio gives the look of disapproval that many teenagers give to their parents.

ANTONIO: Whatever.

He heads for the door.

IRMA: Where are you going?

ANTONIO: I don’t know. I just don’t want to be here.

Before Irma can say anything, he’s already out the door.

IRMA: Yeah. Neither do I.

INT. FRANK’S DRONE HEADQUARTERS – DAY

PETE, a walking number 2 pencil, immersed in several of his laptops, locked into the surveillance cameras around the property, constantly checking his phone. The rest of the team are at their own computers, waiting. On-screen, a pick up truck pulls into the backlot.

PETE: He’s here. And he’s alone.

The team regroups, all standing now. Frank walks in.

PETE: Holy shit. When you told us to meet you here, I figured for sure that–

FRANK: That the DEA would swarm in? I wouldn’t do that to you guys. I’d sooner give them the names of the suppliers than my own team.

PETE: What happened last night?

Frank looks around at the rest of the crew.

FRANK: Everyone go home. Except Pete.

JOE: Is everything alright, Frank? Are we fucked?

FRANK: Not yet. Just go home to your families.

LUIS: Should we be thinking of cuttin’ town?

FRANK: Maybe. But for now, y’all will need to distance yourselves from… this. Focus on your day jobs if you have any. I’ll reach out to you guys if I need you.

The group gives each other uneasy glances and slowly makes their way out. When everyone is gone, Frank and Pete stand there in silence.

PETE: I guess the fact that you’re out here and not in there is a good sign.

FRANK: It’s safe to say that the Federales need all the help they can get.

PETE: Lemme guess. They want a cut.

FRANK: Not exactly.

PETE: Well, what do they want then?

FRANK: I’ll explain it all to you in a minute. But first, we gotta call Sapo.

PETE: Um. I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell our supplier that you just got caught by the border patrol.

FRANK: I’m not. But we are going to need some leverage if we want to continue doing business.

PETE: Frank?

FRANK: Yeah, Pete?

PETE: Are we fucked?

FRANK: Not yet, Pete. Not just yet.

INT. FACTORY – DAY

Irma punches rivets into jeans using bulky, deafening machinery. Repeating the same action over and over. If she wasn’t singing the tune on the radio, you’d think she was a part of the mechanism itself.

HECTOR, a roly poly in a short-sleeve button-down and a clip-on tie, is fixated on the clipboard in hand. Marching up to Irma’s section, never looking up.

HECTOR: Irma.

The machine stops when she turns to him.

HECTOR: Your break isn’t for another two hours.

She checks her watch.

IRMA: OK?

HECTOR: Well, your husband’s here and he says he’s meeting you for lunch.

Irma throws her head up, clenches her fists, and is just about to yell at the sky before she takes a quick breath and gathers herself.

IRMA: I’m sorry, Hector. I’ll tell him to leave.

HECTOR: Remember you have to submit requests to change up your schedule.

IRMA: No. I know. He was just… trying to surprise me. I’ll go talk to him.

Another quick breath and she curves around Hector.

HECTOR: This will have to cut into your break time.

Irma turns, mouth agape, hands on her hips. Her eyes are laser beams. Mom is pissed.

HECTOR: Or… I can let it go… this one time. But remember–

Irma is done with the conversation and turns on a heel. Hector nods, looks to see if anyone saw her blatant disrespect, and dives back into his clipboard. He marches over to the next sector.

INT. BREAK ROOM – DAY

Ricardo is smacking the side of a vending machine when Irma stomps in.

IRMA: What do you want?

RICARDO: I want the goddamn Cheetos I paid for.

SMACK.

IRMA: What?

RICARDO: The damn machine ate my money.

Irma looks at this man-child with such disdain. Enough.

IRMA: What. Do. You. Want.

Ricardo gives up on his snack and turns to her.

RICARDO: I’m going to need you to get your next paycheck in advance.

Beat.

IRMA: What?

RICARDO: I don’t think you truly understand the severity of the situation.

IRMA: I don’t care. Ricardo, solve your own problems for once.

RICARDO: I… I… This… is the only thing I can come up with, Irma.

IRMA: To get an advance? That’s all the money we have. How are we-

RICARDO: Irma, please. As my wife, it is your responsibility to–

Irma’s whole body deflates as she rolls her eyes. She’s heard this argument too many times.

IRMA: Oh please. Cut the bullshit.

Ricardo looks at her feet as a tinge of desperation runs down his face.

RICARDO: You really don’t understand the seve–

IRMA: Severity of the situation. Yeah, I heard you.

Beat.

RICARDO: You really don’t care what happens to me.

IRMA: When did you ever care about us, Ricardo?

RICARDO: Of course, I care about you, Irma.

IRMA: No. US! Not just me. You have two sons. When was the last time you spent quality time with your own children? I’d give you a little bit more credit if you were actually a good parent.

Ricardo is defeated. He has no argument.

RICARDO: I’ll make it up to them.

IRMA: Ok. I’m going back to work now.

She heads for the door.

RICARDO: Irma. Those boys might lose their father.

IRMA: They lost him a long time ago.

The door slams shut. Ricardo stands alone. He turns to the vending machine and gives it one last SMACK in frustration.

INT. FACTORY OFFICE – DAY

Hector, still jotting on his clipboard is just about to sit down when Irma walks in.

IRMA: Hector. I’m going to need an advance on my next paycheck.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Great First Page:

What I learned: In order to make this more exciting, I started the story right before the climax and used voice over to kind of introduce the characters. I would change my whole approach but who cares. If it makes it better then I will re-write it.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAWN

A cracked dusty window looks out over some flat, obscure terrain as the sun creeps over the horizon. CRASH. A flashlight cracks the window, a few more times for good measure as light floods into the room.

ANDRES(V.O): My mother was never someone who liked to start any trouble.

IRMA, a cute, Catholic mother that, with just a look, could make the Devil feel guilty, splashes some fluid on the arm of a ragged couch. She does a quick sign of the cross and whispers a short prayer before lighting a match.

ANDRES(V.O.): But she would if she felt she had to.

She gently flings the match on the fabric. As the fire spreads, she looks over to the next room.

IRMA(Whisper): Antonio.

INT. NURSERY – DAWN

ANDRES(V.O.): My brother on the other hand, would start trouble on whim.

ANTONIO, a turbulent teen, was marveling at the damage he had already done. Standing in a child’s bedroom as an old crib burns along with several stuffed animals. Satisfied, he dashes out.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Irma hands Antonio a small duffel bag.

ANTONIO: Andres?

CRASH.

INT. KITCHEN – DAWN

ANDRES is a small and decent child. Powdered with dirt and sand, he hesitantly stabs at the remaining windows with a broom handle.

ANDRES(V.O.): I never liked to break a rule, much less break a window.

IRMA(O.S.): Andres. That’s good enough.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAWN

Andres enters looking at his mother as if waiting for the next instruction. She grabs both of her sons by the arm pulls them by the front door which is wide open. She pulls them down to a crouch.

ANDRES: Now what?

IRMA: We wait for more smoke. Try not to breathe it in. We’ll need a lot of it to cover us.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s First 10 rough draft

So far it’s actually 15 pages. Still not that provocative but there is a slight twist and definitely an inciting incident. I just need to cut it down so that it can occur on page ten. Its a bit of a mess. But it’s something.

EXT. DESERT – NIGHT

Dead of night, the rocks and cacti are as still as the moon overhead. Some whispers and gravelly footsteps break the silence as a gaunt, Mexican man crouches behind tarbush. A young girl piggybacks aiming a flashlight ahead. He’s out of sorts, and the small flashlight isn’t much help. BUZZ. He frantically scans left and right, looking for the source of the sound. Frightened, scrambles from one desert fauna to the next. The man looks back with his flashlight but still can’t find where the sound is coming from. One deep breath and he picks up a sprint.

EXT. EL RIO GRANDE – NIGHT

We see a bird’s eye view of the father and daughter in night vision. His eyes glow brightly, visibly showing fear as he desperately makes his way across a shallow Rio Grande.

He heads towards the massive metal fence. All the while, the night vision camera from above follows them as they walk along the fencing.

EXT. TEXAS BORDER – NIGHT

With urgency, the man runs along the fencing and with a sigh of relief, comes upon an opening. He passes through. Suddenly a spotlight from an SUV blinds him. The side of the car reads: U.S. BORDER PATROL.

OFFICER(in Spanish): Stop! Don’t move!

With the light now on him, we see he is drenched in sweat, his shirt is torn apart. His daughter is sunburnt and her lips are chapped and bleeding. Completely defeated, he doesn’t put up any fight as he is completely surrounded by men in green uniforms. The gaunt man hears the BUZZ again. He looks up to see several drones hovering over him.

INT. US BORDER PATRO, EL PASO SECTOR – NIGHT

Chief Patrol Agent Thompson, a tree stump of a man, stares at the monitor displaying the apprehension of the illegal immigrants in night vision. The gaunt man on screen stares back before he is then collected by the officers. Thompson is accompanied by a few other agents of varying ranks though he is clearly the one in charge. All are standing, aside from one man who sits on an old office chair. FRANK KAZAKOWSKI(50), a rough looking man with a clean crew cut, sits rigidly with a look of indifference. He is no agent. His left hand is handcuffed to the arm of the chair.

INT. US BORDER PATRO, EL PASO SECTOR – NIGHT

Chief Patrol Agent Thompson, a tree stump of a man, stares at the monitor displaying the apprehension of the illegal immigrants in night vision. The gaunt man on screen stares back before he is then collected by the officers. Thompson is accompanied by a few other agents of varying ranks though he is clearly the one in charge. All are standing, aside from one man who sits on an old office chair. FRANK KAZAKOWSKI(50), a rough looking man with a clean crew cut, sits rigidly with a look of indifference. He is no agent. His left hand is handcuffed to the arm of the chair.

THOMPSON: So how long do the batteries last on those birds?

Frank clenches his jaw.

THOMPSON: I asked you a question, Frank.

FRANK: I did what you asked. What is it that you want?

Thompson is unimpressed.

THOMPSON: This was just a trial run. But I’d say it went well. Which is good, for your sake.

Frank leans back on his chair, ready to listen.

THOMPSON: You’re gonna help us. You’ll be my eyes in the sky.

Frank smirks.

FRANK: I highly doubt you’ll get the approval.

THOMPSON: Who says I’m requesting approval?

Frank chuckles.

FRANK: Won’t the DEA be expecting you to hand me over?

Thompson shakes his head.

THOMPSON: They don’t know you’re here. They have no idea about your drug-smuggling drones.

Frank’s smile disappears. Thompson closes in.

THOMPSON: Here’s the deal: Your team is done importing goods. From now on, you work for me. And you’re going to help me catch illegals.

FRANK: Like hell, I will. I don’t work for no one.

THOMPSON: It’s that or you and friends go straight to prison. We know where your men are. Just one phone call and this deal goes up in smoke.

Frank shakes his head. Thompson gets in closer.

THOMPSON: How long you think you would last in County Detention, Frank. Sapo’s got some connections there. They found out you’ve been pinched, they’re going to want to make sure you keep your mouth shut. Permanently.

Beat.

FRANK: So what, you’re going to put me on the payroll?

Thompson squints.

FRANK: We’re going to need some… “government funding” if you will. Like you said, it’s an elaborate operation. My birds don’t fly for free.

Thompson turns to look at his men. He laughs heartily. The other agents echo his laughter.

THOMPSON: This is a simple offer, Frank. The only exchange we’re going to make is you telling me when the wetbacks reach the wall and where we can find them. Other than that, I’ll pretend you don’t exist.

FRANK: That ain’t fair. That’s a shit ton of man hours for nothin’.

THOMPSON: You’re a smart man. I’m sure you’ll find other ways to make an income. But it ain’t gonna be with Sapo. Cuz if I find out you bring even an ounce into Texas, I’ll bury you my fuckin’ self.

Thompson takes Frank’s silence for compliance. He unlocks the handcuffs and hands Frank an outdated smartphone.

THOMPSON: I’ll be in contact. And you’d better answer. Now get the fuck out of my sight.

Frank rubs is wrist as he gets up and heads for the door.

THOMPSON: Oh and Frank?

Frank stops but doesn’t turn.

THOMPSON: Not a single person makes it across on your watch, you got it? If one stinkin’ spick gets through, you’re done.

Frank is already walking out the door, doesn’t bother closing it behind him.

INT. ESCANDON RESIDENCE – DAY

IRMA, a lovely, little mother that could make the devil feel guilty for his sins, stands defiantly with a mop as she wards off her husband, RICARDO, the town drunk. She’s got one black eye and a bloody lip. He isn’t without a couple of lumps either.

RICARDO: You won’t make it.

IRMA: You think I won’t try? Lord knows you won’t come after us.

RICARDO: No?

IRMA: Not a chance. You’d miss the craps table too much. And the free tequila.

RICARDO: Irma. Why are you making this so difficult?

IRMA: Ricardo. I’ve told you, there is no more money.

RICARDO: You’ve always have a stash somewhere.

IRMA: Not anymore. You’ve spent it all.

RICARDO: Well, then how do you think you’re going to make it to the States, then? The Coyotes don’t do it for free.

IRMA: It’s already been taken care of.

RICARDO: Irma. Sapo is going to kill me.

IRMA: I will sleep soundly knowing that it was no fault of mine.

Ricardo lunges at her and grabs the mop handle. Right he’s about to give her another blow…

ANDRES(OS): Stop!

ANDRES, the youngest and most gentle son, is at the doorway, eyes already welling up. ANTONIO, the turbulent teen, comes up right behind him. Once he sees the situation, he shoves his little brother out of the way and lunges at his father. Both grab eachother by the collar as begins to push a dirty mop into her husbands face.

ANDRES: I said STOP!!!

Everyone freezes in their offensive poses. Ricardo shoves his son off as Antonio snarls at him.

Andres begins to cry and runs into his room, his school backpack awkwardly bouncing.

ANTONIO: It’s not like you can beat more money out of us. Just fuck off already.

RICARDO: Don’t talk to your father like–

ANTONIO: Fuck. Off!!

IRMA: Antonio. Go see if Andres is alright.

Antonio fakes a punch and Ricardo flinches as he storms out of the room. Ricardo gives one more desperate look at Irma.

IRMA: If you come back, we’re leaving.

RICARDO: Oh yeah? And where will you go?

IRMA: As far away from you as possible. I’ll drag the boys across the desert if I have to.

Ricardo leaves and Irma holds her mop the way a conquistador would stick a flag in the territory they now claim. Her firmness begins to melt as she starts to weep. But only for a moment. She gathers herself and cleans up the mess their fight had caused.

ANTONIO: You aren’t really going to drag us across the desert will you?

Irma is caught off guard.

IRMA: Of course not. How is Andres.

ANTONIO: How do you think? You should be the one to talk to him.

Irma points to her black eye.

IRMA: Maybe not right away.

Antonio gives the look of disapproval that many teenagers give to their parents.

ANTONIO: Whatever.

He heads for the door.

IRMA: Where are you going?

ANTONIO: I don’t know. I just don’t want to be here.

Before Irma can say anything, he’s already out the door.

IRMA: Yeah. Neither do I.

INT. FRANK’S DRONE HEADQUARTERS – DAY

PETE, a walking number 2 pencil, is on up on his laptops locked into the surveillance cameras around the property, constantly checking his phone. The rest the team are at their own computers, waiting. On screen, a pick up truck pulls in to the back lot.

PETE: He’s here. He’s alone.

The team regroups, all standing now. Frank walks in.

PETE: Holy shit. When you told us to meet you here, I figured for sure that–

FRANK: That the DEA would swarm in? I wouldn’t do that you guys. I’d sooner give them the names of the suppliers than my own team.

PETE: What happened last night?

Frank looks around at the rest of the crew.

FRANK: Everyone go home. Except Pete.

JOE: Is every alright, Frank? Are we fucked?

FRANK: Not yet. Just go home to your families.

LUIS: Should we be thinking of cutting town?

FRANK: Maybe. But for now, y’all will need to distance yourselves from… this. Focus on your days jobs if you have any. I’ll reach out to you guys if I need you.

The group give eachother uneasy glances and slowly make their way out. When everyone is gone, Frank and Pete stand there in a cold silence.

PETE: I guess the fact that you’re out here and not in there is a good sign.

FRANK: It’s safe to say that the federales need all the help they can get.

PETE: Lemme guess. They want a cut.

FRANK: Not exactly.

PETE: Wel,l what do they want then?

FRANK: I’ll explain it all to you in a minute. But first we gotta call Sapo.

PETE: Um. I don’t think its a good idea to tell our supplier that you just got caught by the border patrol.

FRANK: I’m not. But we are going to need some leverage if we want to continue doing business.

PETE: Frank?

FRANK: Yeah, Pete?

PETE: Are we fucked?

FRANK: Not yet, Pete. Not just yet.

INT. FACTORY – DAY

Irma punches rivets into jeans using bulky, deafening machinery . Repeating the same action over and over. If she wasn’t singing the tune on the radio, you’d think she was a part of the mechanism itself.

Hector, as thin as the pencil in his right hand, is fixated on the clipboard in his left. Marching up to Irma’s section, never looking up.

HECTOR: Irma.

The machine stops when she turns to him.

HECTOR: Your break isn’t for another two hours.

She checks her watch.

IRMA: That’s right.

HECTOR: Well, your husband’s here and he says he’s meeting you for lunch.

Irma throws her head up, clenches her fists and is just about to yell at the sky before she takes a quick breath and gathers herself.

IRMA: I’m sorry. I’ll tell him to leave.

HECTOR: Remember you have to submit requests to change up your schedule.

IRMA: No. I know. He was just… trying to surprise me. I’ll go talk to him.

Another quick breath and she curves around Hector.

HECTOR: This will have to cut into your break time.

Irma turns, mouth agape, hands on her hips. Her eyes are laser beams. Mom is pissed.

HECTOR: Or… I can let it go… this one time. But remember–

Irma is done with the conversation and turns on a heel. Hector nods, looks to see if anyone saw her blatant disrespect and dives back into his clipboard. He marches over to the next sector.

INT. BREAK ROOM – DAY

Ricardo is smacking the side of a vending machine when Irma stomps in.

IRMA: What do you want?

RICARDO: I want the goddamn cheetos I paid for.

SMACK.

IRMA: What?

RICARDO: The damn machine ate my money.

Irma looks at this manchild with such disdain. Enough.

IRMA: What. Do. You. Want.

Ricardo gives up on his snack and turns to her.

RICARDO: I’m going to need you to get your next paycheck in advance.

Beat.

IRMA: What?

RICARDO: I don’t think you truly understand the severity of the situation.

IRMA: I don’t care. Ricardo, solve your own problems for once.

RICARDO: I… I… This… is the only thing I can come up with, Irma.

IRMA: To get an advance? That’s all the money we have. How are we-

RICARDO: Irma, please. As my wife, it is your responsibility to–

Irma’s whole body deflates as she rolls her eyes. She’s heard this argument too many times.

IRMA: Oh please. Cut the bullshit.

Ricardo looks at her feet as a tinge of desperation runs down his face.

RICARDO: You really don’t understand the seve–

IRMA: Severity of the situation. Yeah, I heard you.

Beat.

RICARDO: You really don’t care what happens to me.

IRMA: When did you ever care about us, Ricardo?

RICARDO: Of course I care about you, Irma.

IRMA: No. US! Not just me. You have two sons. When was the last time you spent quality time with your own children?

Ricardo is defeated. He has no argument.

RICARDO: I’ll make it up to them.

IRMA: Ok. I’m going back to work now.

She heads for the door.

RICARDO: Irma. Those boys might lose their father.

IRMA: They lost him a long time ago.

The door slams shut. Ricardo stands alone. He turns to the vending machine and gives it one last SMACK in frustration.

INT. FACTORY OFFICE – DAY

Hector, still jotting on his clipboard is just about to sit down when Irma walks in.

IRMA: Hector. I’m going to need an advance on my next paycheck.

EXT. DRONE RUNWAY/LAUNCHPAD – DAY

Frank is counting all the drones on at their charging stations and inputting it into a tablet.

FRANK: That makes twenty. How many are in the repair shed?

PETE: I don’t know, 8 maybe. Wait, so let me get this straight. They want us to cut ties with the cartel and just start working as their own personal home security service?

FRANK: They’re holding 6 kilos of Sapos supply as collateral. We do this order they turn us into the DEA. How long do you need to fix those 8 buzzards?

PETE: Joe and Luis could fix em. Maybe a week. Wait. About those 6 kilos…

FRANK: It’s on us.

PETE: What?

FRANK: I already spoke with Sapo. He thinks we lost the drone in the desert. He won’t charge us more than cost. But we to move double in the next month.

PETE: What!?

FRANK: How about the buzzards we save for spare parts? Can we get those in the air?

PETE: That’s almost 200 grand, Frank.

FRANK: We can cover. Besides. After we move the next yield, we can make that back. We’re lucky the BP only got one drone. So can we fix those other buzzards?

PETE: So, instead of stopping, you want to ship more.

FRANK: Yup.

PETE: And… we are going to help the BP.

FRANK: We are going to give them access to the feed. They’ll see what we want them to see. Pete. The spare buzzards.

PETE: We’ll need to order more parts.

FRANK: Order more parts. We have a lot of work to do.

INT. ESCANDON RESIDENCE – NIGHT

Irma stares at the advanced paycheck. She turns it and signs her signature on the back. She folds and puts it back in her purse.

IRMA: Kids.

Antonio and Andres enter the room.

IRMA: We’re going to see your father.

The sons look at each other.

ANTONIO: Now?

IRMA: Don’t make me repeat myself. Let’s go.

EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT

Irma is a tiny freight train with two boys in tow.

INT. BUS STATION – NIGHT

Irma and the boys enter. There’s a short line to the front desk.

ANTONIO: Are we going somewhere?

IRMA: Texas?

ANDRES: Texas!? We’re going to the United States?

ANTONIO: What? Now?

IRMA: No.

ANTONIO: When?

IRMA: Whichever day is cheapest.

ANTONIO: I thought we were going see papa?

IRMA: Right after we do this.

They approach the cashier, pudgy middle-aged man. Irma rummages through her purse for the check.

ANDRES: Four tickets to Texas please!

The cashier smiles.

CASHIER: Where in Texas? I’ll need to know which city.

ANDRES: Which city, mama?

She is still searching.

IRMA: El Paso.

CASHIER: What day would you like to travel?

IRMA: I need something as soon as possible but as cheap as possible.

The cashier types on his computer.

CASHIER: It’s always less expensive if you buy at least a couple weeks in advance. You can save a bit more money if you want to leave in a month.

IRMA: How much is a ticket in two weeks?

CASHIER: 524.60 pesos.

IRMA: And children?

CASHIER: 419.55 pesos.

Irma finally finds the check.

IRMA: That should leave us with a little extra. Ok. Let’s go with that.

CASHIER: One adult and two children?

IRMA: Yes, please.

ANDRES: And what about papa?

IRMA: He can meet us there if he wants to.

Beat.

ANDRES: We should tell him where we are going. El Paso.

IRMA: We are on our way right now to tell him, hijo.

ANTONIO: Mama. Are we-

IRMA: We’ll talk about it later. Right now I have to pay the man.

Irma hands him the signed check.

IRMA: Would you be able to give me the difference in cash?

CASHIER: We don’t typically-

IRMA: Please.

Cashier can see the angst on her face. He nods and takes the check. After opening the register and counting some bills and coins he hands her three tickets and cash.

IRMA: Can you break these?

CASHIER: We only have big bills. I’m sorry.

IRMA: No, that’s alright. Thank you.

EXT. CASINO PARKING LOT – NIGHT

The boys are limp with exhaustion as Irma drags them along. Upon approaching the casino entrance, security blocks her path.

DOORMAN #1: No kids.

IRMA: We aren’t here to gamble.

DOORMAN #1: Doesn’t matter. No kids.

IRMA: Well, then you are going to have to watch them. I have to find my husband.

The doorman begins to shake his head.

GORDO (O.S.): He’s not here.

Irma turns to see Gordo, an extremely large man with a babyface.

IRMA: Don’t cover for him, Gordo. You all have taken enough from him already.

GORDO: Irma. He’s not here.

IRMA: Well then tell me where he is.

INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Irma stands over Ricardo wrapped up like a mummy, his neck in a brace. All limbs in casts and levitated. Tubes in his throat and nose.

DOCTOR: The police have already filed a report. No witnesses though it does look like it was a group of them.

IRMA: I know who did this.

DOCTOR: Well then you should say something to the police.

IRMA: It wouldn’t do any good.

She turns to him.

IRMA: Can we be alone?

The doctor nods and leaves the room. Irma glares at her husband with zero sympathy.

IRMA: I came to tell you: The boys and I are leaving you.

The Ricardo lies there as still as the IV stand.

IRMA: And you can forget about me covering your medical bill.

The turns and walks out.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Opening Scene is Irresistable

What I learned: This likely won’t be my opening but I’m confident that I covered all the bases… EXCEPT… Rule number 1. I have to make this more provocative. This is still too boring. I’ll keep working on it.

EXT. DESERT – NIGHT

Dead of night, the rocks and cacti are as still as the moon overhead. Some whispers and gravelly footsteps break the silence as a gaunt, Mexican man crouches behind tarbush. A young girl piggybacks aiming a flashlight ahead. He’s out of sorts, and the small flashlight isn’t much help. BUZZ. He frantically scans left and right, looking for the source of the sound. Frightened, scrambles from one desert fauna to the next. The man looks back with his flashlight but still can’t find where the sound is coming from. One deep breath and he picks up a sprint.

EXT. EL RIO GRANDE – NIGHT

We see a bird’s eye view of the father and daughter in night vision. His eyes glow brightly, visibly showing fear as he desperately makes his way across a shallow Rio Grande.

He heads towards the massive metal fence. All the while, the night vision camera from above follows them as they walk along the fencing.

EXT. TEXAS BORDER – NIGHT

With urgency, the man runs along the fencing and with a sigh of relief, comes upon an opening. He passes through. Suddenly a spotlight from an SUV blinds him. The side of the car reads: U.S. BORDER PATROL.

OFFICER(in Spanish): Stop! Don’t move!

With the light now on him, we see he is drenched in sweat, his shirt is torn apart. His daughter is sunburnt and her lips are chapped and bleeding. Completely defeated, he doesn’t put up any fight as he is completely surrounded by men in green uniforms. The gaunt man hears the BUZZ again. He looks up to see several drones hovering over him.

INT. US BORDER PATRO, EL PASO SECTOR – NIGHT

Chief Patrol Agent Thompson, a tree stump of a man, stares at the monitor displaying the apprehension of the illegal immigrants in night vision. The gaunt man on screen stares back before he is then collected by the officers. Thompson is accompanied by a few other agents of varying ranks though he is clearly the one in charge. All are standing, aside from one man who sits on an old office chair. FRANK KAZAKOWSKI(50), a rough looking man with a clean crew cut, sits rigidly with a look of indifference. He is no agent. His left hand is handcuffed to the arm of the chair.

THOMPSON: So how long do the batteries last on those birds?

Frank clenches his jaw.

THOMPSON: I asked you a question, Frank.

FRANK: I did what you asked. What is it that you want?

Thompson is unimpressed.

THOMPSON: This was just a trial run. But I’d say it went well. Which is good, for your sake.

Frank leans back on his chair, ready to listen.

THOMPSON: You’re gonna help us. You’ll be my eyes in the sky.

Frank smirks.

FRANK: I highly doubt you’ll get the approval.

THOMPSON: Who says I’m requesting approval?

Frank chuckles.

FRANK: Won’t the DEA be expecting you to hand me over?

Thompson shakes his head.

THOMPSON: They don’t know you’re here. They have no idea about your drug-smuggling drones.

Frank’s smile disappears. Thompson closes in.

THOMPSON: Here’s the deal: Your team is done importing goods. From now on, you work for me. And you’re going to help me catch illegals.

FRANK: Like hell, I will. I don’t work for no one.

THOMPSON: It’s that or you and friends go straight to prison. We know where your men are. Just one phone call and this deal goes up in smoke.

Frank shakes his head. Thompson gets in closer.

THOMPSON: How long you think you would last in County Detention, Frank. Sapo’s got some connections there. They found out you’ve been pinched, they’re going to want to make sure you keep your mouth shut. Permanently.

Beat.

FRANK: So what, you’re going to put me on the payroll?

Thompson squints.

FRANK: We’re going to need some… “government funding” if you will. My birds don’t fly for free.

Thompson turns to look at his men. He laughs heartily. The other agents echo his laughter.

THOMPSON: This is a simple offer, Frank. The only exchange we’re going to make is you telling me when the wetbacks reach the wall and where we can find them. Other than that, I’ll pretend you don’t exist.

FRANK: That ain’t fair. That’s a shit ton of man hours for nothin’.

THOMPSON: You’re a smart man. I’m sure you’ll find other ways to make an income. But it ain’t gonna be with Sapo. Cuz if I find out you bring even an ounce into Texas, I’ll bury you my fuckin’ self.

Thompson takes Frank’s silence for compliance. He unlocks the handcuffs and hands Frank an outdated smartphone.

THOMPSON: I’ll be in contact. And you’d better answer. Now get the fuck out of my sight.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Openings

What I learned: I feel like all of these are better than my original opening, though its not quite there yet. Like before, I think I can blend some of these openings; ie, VO describing a unique world. Instant conflict into a shocking opener. This was helpful.

1. Instant Conflict Opening

Ricardo comes home, beat and bloody. He demands money from Irma to gamble with. Irma refuses and suffers a beating. Her sons come to defend her. She tells Ricardo that she is leaving as that she is taking the kids with. He laughs it off as they have no where to go. She threatens to cross the border. He scoffs and leaves.

The next day, as Irma decides grab the boys and stay with her friend nearby, she is approached by Sapo, the owner of the local casino, who shakes her down for money that Ricardo owes. Not knowing where he is, Sapo threatens her as she would then be responsible for his debt. When she returns to the house, she discovers Ricardo’s body. Murdered by Sapo, she now has no choice but to leave Mexico with her sons and head for the border.

2. Contrast Opening

Irma and her sons are camping out in the desert, on their way to Texas. Freezing and tired, the try to keep a meager fire alive. Meanwhile, Frank and his team watch them on screen as their drones capture their every movement. They are snug and comfy compared to Irma and her family. They drink warm coffee and eat microwave burritos.

We come to realize Irma and her sons are contestants on a reality game show. People can place bets on their success. It has become one of the most watch programs on the internet and Frank is pulling in lots of money. Irma and her sons are struggling but each time they look like they may falter, Frank sends a drone to drop off supplies. Irma has no idea.

3. The Shocking Opening

After Ricardo wins big at a local Casino, he rushes to a bank to put all his earnings a an account. When he arrives at home, it is revealed that he owed money to another rival casino and they came to collect. Ricardo expected this and tells them he already spent his earnings and they brutally murdered him on the spot.

Ricardo never had to chance to tell his estranged wife or children. When Sapo, the casino owner shows up to shake Irma for the money Ricardo owed, she is oblivious. After she hears of this death, she heads to the bank to clear out any funds and leave town. It is there she discovers her youngest son’s bank account now has for $100,000.

5. The VO that’s unusual

An old man tells the audience the extreme statistics of migrant’s crossing the border illegally, numbers rising every year, forcing the US govt to ramp up their border security. But the voice explains the hardships that the poor and the needy must face in a now dangerous and struggling Mexican nation. The meek of Mexico will not let up. So there are those that exploit the situation for their own gain by documenting their attempts and creating gambling rings on the dark web.

The old man is Andres, the youngest son of Irma Escandon. He begins to tell the story of how he and his brother successfully cross the border.

6. The unique character

Frank is caught red-handed smuggling drugs across the border using high-tech drones. The Border recognizes him as right-wing conservative personality on the internet. Instead of turning him in to the DEA, force him to help them catch migrants trying to cross the border using his drones. Otherwise, goes to prison.

No longer able to smuggle drugs, Frank needs a new way to make money. Knowing that his capture now would make the BP look bad for working with a drug smuggler, he uses this advantage to his advantage and comes up with an idea: Televise migrants attempting to cross the border and allow viewers to place bets.

7. The action opening

A team of migrant’s races to the border line in almost a military like approach. Some cover some dodge booby traps, and some some shoot primitive weaponry at the drones that pursue them. Most don’t make it and the few that do are met by a highly weaponized border patrol. They are caught and sent back as a new team prepare’s themselves for their chance to make it across.

It is one of the highest watched programs on the internet: Border Dash. Contestants try to make their way into the states and if they make it far enough, they gain sponsors and endorsements though their ultimate goes to actually make it through. Viewers tune it and place bets. Irma, mother of two makes the bold decision to enter the competition. The odds are against her, but she has no choice as her life is in danger.

8. Plunge us deep into a unique world (Moulin Rouge/Platoon)

In the not too distant future, the worlds resources are all but diminished. Developing countries suffer and only the few govt superpowers have established a clean water system and a renewable energy program.

The people of Mexico beg for help from their neighboring ally, but the US does nothing. Many families have no choice but to make their attempt to cross the border. The odds are against them as the US uses high tech drones and fortress-like defense. Irma must find a way to get her sons across to safety as they are on the run from the local gangsters for money owed.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Loves This Opening Scene

What I learned: To be completely honest, I just really appreciate this opening scene. I just recently watched Galaxy Quest, and while it wasn’t a terrific movie, I thought it was really cute. And the opening scene does follow the formula that we are learning about in this course. However, the inciting incident does not occur until page 16 and and we don’t truly know what the story is about until three pages later. This is because there is a lot of dialogue between several main characters to help establish who they are. Forgivable. Anyway, still a good intro.

Movie: Galaxy Quest

—-(PROVOCATIVE OPENING)—–

1 EXT. OUTER SPACE

The vastness of space. Suddenly a hole in the sky opens with a

flash and a SPACESHIP rumbles into view. ON its hull the letters

NSEA PROTECTOR. Magnificent, though on closer inspection it

shudders ever so slightly, denoting pre-CGI model work on a

budget. We’re watching a TV show.

LAREDO (V.0.)

We’re exiting the time knot now sir!

2. INT. NSEA PROTECTOR COMMAND DECK – SPACE

5 Members of the crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR sit in the large

circa – 1979-“high-tech” cabin. All of them human except for DR.

LAZARUS, a purple reptilian-looking alien. LAREDO is 9. The

crewmates exchange relieved smiles.

FRED

We’re alive.

LAREDO

We made it Commander, we made it!

LAZARUS (THE ALIEN)

By Grabthar’s hammer, we live to tell the tale.

COMPUTER (0.S.)

Systems register functional.

GWEN

All systems are working, Commander. Commander?

They all turn to look at THE COMMANDER, who turns to reveal

himself dramatically. Good looking. His acting is classic

Charlton Heston take-no-prisoners style. He looks around the

command deck, worried, almost sniffing the air.

COMMANDER

I don’t like it. It was too easy… Look for ambient energy

fields.

LAREDO

All normal sir… The entire spectrum.

COMMANDER

Check again Laredo.

LAREDO

Yes sir, I- Wait. Oh no.

His radar lights up with dots. First a few, then HUNDREDS.

LAREDO

They’re everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.

LAZARUS

IMPACT NOW Commander

Suddenly an EXPLOSION rocks the ship.

GWEN

A trap.

LAZARUS.

We’re surrounded Commander. The entire 5k Ranking is out there.

COMMANDER

Our plasma armor?

LAREDO

Gone sir.

Another BLAST rocks the room.

COMPUTER (O.S.)

Structural damage at 68 percent.

GWEN

We’re getting major structural damage.

FRED

It’s a core meltdown sir. It can’t be stopped

The Commander turns to his advisor, Lazarus.

LAZARUS

Commander, surrender may be our only option.

COMMANDER

No, never give up… NEVER surrender.’

GWEN

The reactor has eaten through four levels… Six levels… The

ship is disintegrating

LAREDO

Your orders sir?… Sir, your orders?

The Commander walks into close up; Steely determination.

COMMANDER

Activate the Omega 13.

The crewmates exchange expectant and terrified glances. CLOSE UP

of a crewman’s hand as he operates a series controls which in

turn opens five layers of mechanical locks revealing a serious

looking lever. The Commander pulls that lever. A MACHINE Is

revealed, rising from the floor in the middle of the room. It

begins to GLOW. Cut to each actor in turn reacting dramatically.

Then suddenly.. THE PICTURE GOES WHITE, LEADER LEADER NUMBERS

APPEAR, with a STUDIO COPYRIGHT notice.

—–(TWIST)—–

CUT TO:

3 HUNDREDS OF FACES

ENTHRALLED LEGIONS of mostly spotty faced male adolescent FANS

staring into camera. For a moment all is silent. A few are

sobbing. Then a BURST OF THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE… We’re at a

SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION. The enthusiastic crowd of FANS

continue cheering as the master of ceremonies GUY takes the

stage.

GUY

Well, there you are! You are the first people to see the lost

GALAXY QUEST episode 52 two parter since it was originally aired

in ’82! As most of you know, no concluding episode was filmed

when the series was cancelled, so one episode was never included

in the syndication run. Let’s hear it for Travis Latke, who

actually rescued the footage from the studio garbage! Can you

believe that?

(Latke stands, fans cheer)

Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for… The intrepid

crew of the

NSEA PROTECTOR!

But a STAGEHAND in the wings signals for Guy to “stretch.”

GUY

But first… What is a “hero”? Let’s take a look at a few more

clips…

4 BACKSTAGE

Here we meet the REAL LIFE ACTORS all dressed as their TV alter

egos… GWEN DEMARCO, beautiful, in a sexy and improbable body

suit. ALEXANDER DANE, (DR. LAZARUS) wearing green alien

prosthetic makeup. FRED KWAN, calm, sitting on an

apple box reading the paper. TOMMY “LAREDO” WEBBER, the youngest

of the group.

TOMMY

Where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a

half!

GWEN

(looks through curtain)

This is great! They’re going to start eating each other out

there.

ALEXANDER (OFFSCREEN)

He’s a twit!

TOMMY

Oh, and did you hear he booked another fan appearance without us?

GWEN

You’re kidding. When for?

TOMMY

Tomorrow morning, before the store opening.

ALEXANDER (OFFSCREEN)

He’s a miserable twit!

GWEN

The guy is terminally selfish!

FRED

He ate my sandwich.

GWEN AND TOMMY

What?

FRED

A month ago, he ate my sandwich.

TOMMY

And he ate Fred’s SANDWICH!

Gwen turns to notice Alexander staring into a makeup mirror, eyes

roaming over his alien green makeup and scaly rubber features

with a mournful expression.

GWEN

Oh Alex, get away from that thing…

ALEXANDER

Dear God…. How did I come to this?

5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)

TOMMY

Not again…

ALEXANDER

I played Richard III…

FRED

“Five curtain calls…

ALEXANDER

…Five curtain calls! I was an ACTOR once, damn it. Now look at

me… LOOK AT ME.

TOMMY

Settle down, Alex…

[Pablo Soriano]

What I learned: By coming up with ending, it was much easier to figure out what fat to cut. This still needs a ton of work but it is much leaner and I think that makes it much easier to work with.

1. SETUP:

Frank Kazakowski is caught by the Border Patrol smuggling drugs into the US using drones. Instead of turning him in, they force him to use the drones as surveillance along the borderwall. The deal is if any migrants make it across, he goes straight to prison. Frank will need to find a new way to make money.

Irma Escandon daydreams of leaving her deadbeat, gambling addicted husband, Ricardo, and making a new life in the US with her two teenage sons, Antonio and Andres. Ricardo is never around, always gambling. When he is around, he’s asking for or stealing money from Irma. After causing a scene at her place of work, Irma is fed up and buys three bus tickets to Texas. On her way to tell Ricardo she is leaving, she finds out that Ricardo had been murdered by the gangsters he owed money to. Now she is responsible for his debt.

Sapo, the casino kingpin, offers Irma a job to pay off Ricardo’s debt. Knowing that they were responsible for his death and that a job meant a lifetime of servitude, she refuses. Sapo threatens to kill her and take her sons under his wing. Irma immediate takes her sons and joins a migrant caravan headed to El Paso, TX.

2. PLOT POINT 2 —

After narrowly escaping town, Irma is en route to Texas. Sapo calls a business partner, Frank Kazakowski, and informs him of this caravan, revealing that the two of them are in cahoots in the drug smuggling operation. Sapo is the supplier and Frank is still secretly moving his stuff into the US while also watching for illegal immigrants.

When the caravan discovers that they are being watched, they realize that they specifically following Irma and they kick her out of the caravan. Irma and her sons must make their way to the border alone. When all seems lost, they come upon a bag full of supplies. This continues to happen throughout their journey. They discover that these supplies are being dropped by the drones. They must take them to survive, but they know that it is leading them to a trap. So Antonio and Andres come up with a plan to avoid them and in doing so, find a drone charging station in the middle of the desert. There, they destroy dozens of drones.

3. CRISIS — The decision point.

Without food or water, Irma and her family have no choice but to push forward. Turning back would be suicide. What’s worse is new drones find their location because a poker chip that Antonio was given by Sapo is actually a tracker.

4. CLIMAX – Irma lights one of the abandoned homes on fire, causing heavy smoke and blanketing their escape as the drones cannot see them. Antonio loses the poker chip and the drones lose them for a brief moment. Irma makes the hardest decision of her life and leaves her sons to lead the drones away from them to help increase their chances of making it across the border undetected. The final drone is being controlled by Frank. He has no choice but to follow her because of his partnership with Sapo. He’s in a bind. If Irma’s sons cross the border, he could go to prison.

5. RESOLUTION Irma is caught by the Border Patrol waiting for her. The boys make it safely across and are taken into government custody. As minors without a guardian, the US is obliged to care for them until the age of 18 when they will be deported back.

Frank is arrested for his crimes as he is unable to hold his end of the deal of never letting any immigrants across. Irma’s story gains national news coverage as all the drone footage is posted online. There is an outpour of support for Antonio and Andres as several Latino families volunteer for foster care.

6. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.

Irma is deported back to Chihuahua. But she’s tougher. She won’t be pushed around. Sapo tries to punish her for disobeying him but she threatens to try for the border again. Sapo is amused and backs off. It was a lot of trouble for nothing.

7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE

Do with me what you want. My boys are safe now. But one day, they will be back and I will be waiting.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Final Page

What I learned: I may just blend a little bit from here and there. Use the final gesture as a setup/payoff and tie it up with “Something good will come…” These were very helpful gear turning exercises.

A. The Setup / Payoff final page.

Early in the film, Antonio and Andres don’t always do what they are told and don’t always complete their chores. Irma is constantly telling her sons: “One day, I won’t be around. And you both will have to figure things out on your own.” At the end of the film, when Irma realizes the only chance her sons have to make it across the border is if she lures the drones away from them she tells the line one last time.

B. The Contrast final page.

Irma comes up with a plan to light the abandoned house on fire so the smoke would cover them as they dash to the border. The plan works and when they make it across, there are no border patrol officers waiting. They were home free but then Frank shows up. He knew where they were the whole time because of the poker chip tracker and he shows to personally ensure that he keeps his deal with the US border patrol. Nobody makes it across.

C. The Climax/Resolution final page.

TBD

D. The “Something good is going to come out of this mess” final page.

After Irma is killed, her sons are taken to into government custody. As minors without a guardian, the US is obliged to care for them until the age of 18 when they will be deported back. There are foster programs available and after Irma’s story becomes a national news story, many families reach out. The boys are on their own, but there will be some help.

E. The “One last gesture” final page.

Irma constantly resists slapping Antonio for his arrogance, rudeness and disobedience. She doesn’t believe in violence. She raises a hand but never follows through. In their final moments together, after she realizes that she must lure the drones away to save her children, Antonio says something negative and Irma slaps him across the face. A solid smack. Shocked, Antonio is about to cry out and she smacks him again. IRMA: “That was for all the mistakes you’ve made. I gave you another for ones to come.” Antonio realizes what she means. They share a long embrace and she runs away from the border.

F. The Shock final page

When they cross the border, they are met with spotlights, cameras and an audience. They come to find out that they are actually on a televised game show. Because they are the finalists, they win US citizenship. Anyone who actually makes it alive earns a US passport. Antonio and Andres are celebrities for a week before their story gets buried under the daily memes and tweets. This was not what they expected.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Powerful Set-Ups

What I learned: Well, that I definitely need to watch Unforgiven again. It’s a good formula. This helped map out my ending a bit. Though, again, it needs more work.

A. Build their Reputation

Irma is known to be persistent. Some would call her a pest. She is basically the only person keeping the local church running. Her son’s teachers don’t love her as she is fairly demanding.

Sapo is a hands-on type of gangster. Door to door. Checking up on everyone. Comes off like he cares but doesn’t. Everyone has a scar or a lost loved one due to him.

B. Justification for the final actions

Sapo and his men unintentionally kill Irma’s husband Ricardo. The idea was to rough him up for being late on payments but they went too far. They pay off the cops and make it as though they had nothing to do with it, just a bar fight. Irma has no doubt who is actually at fault.

Frank constantly expresses his disdain for illegal immigrants. Justifies his racism as not specifically disliking Latinos but simply despising Latino criminals that use up US government resources. Also justifies working with the Mexican Cartel as he considers himself an importer, given that they make a product not made in the USA.

C. Cast doubt on the success of the final actions

Irma loses trust in her sons as she discovers her eldest is secretly trying to sabotage the mission.

Hiding from Frank’s goons, Miguel is unable to send more supplies to Irma.

After destroying a fleet of drones, Irma and her sons think they are homefree. But a new fleet of drones catches up with them. Little do they know, Antonio’s poker chip is actually a tracker.

D. Discuss the final actions openly

Irma and her neighbor joke about moving to the states.

Knowing that Irma can’t pay off her husband’s debt, he tells her how they can pay it off by working at the casino. But when they leave town, Sapo tells his men that he plans to bring them right back so that they can get to work.

To escape from Sapo and protect her children, Irma is dead set on making it across the border and tells her sons how much better things will be when they make it.

E. Twists that take it away

The men working for Sapo are still in pursuit. But they aren’t trying to take them back. They are intentionally pushing them to a section of the border where the BP will be waiting for them.

Irma and her son’s find shelter in a ghost town near the border. They wonder how the men were able to find them and why they haven’t made any moves. They realize their intention of shepherding them to the BP.

New drones find their location. They don’t know it, but the poker chip that Sapo gave Antonio early in the story is actually a tracker.

F. Alternate Hope/fear

Irma and her sons narrowly escape by jumping on a bus to Juarez(hope), only to be forced to bail early when BP officers onboard to check passports(fear).

They find the Coyote and join a caravan to follow to the border (hope), the caravan kicks them out when they realize they are being followed(fear.)

They find a drone charging station and destroy it (hope), but more come because they are unknowingly carrying a tracker (fear).

They find a way to the border undetected (hope) but when more drones arrive (fear), Irma must lure them away from her sons.

G. Create and pay off emotional setups

Irma is overprotective of her sons but for good reason. But she has never given them any freedom being a strict, Catholic mother. But trekking through the desert with them, she sees how capable and resourceful they are and she realizes that they would have never made it without them. She then has to let them go in order to protect them.

H. Suspense around the outcome

Out of everyone in the caravan, Irma and her sons are the last left. Sapo’s men are always at their heels. The drones are forever present. The border patrol is waiting on the other side.

[Pablo Soriano]

What I learned: Super helpful. I may take a little bit from three of these endings. Not exactly a breakthrough but I can see something developing from this exercise.

1. The Ultimate Confrontation

Frank has every recourse available to him. He produces one of the most profitable shows on the web. There are booby traps and “actors” that pose as threats to the contestants. All of Irma’s friends and companions on the journey are hunted down. Against the odds, Irma wins and it leads to mini Mexican revolution. A David vs Goliath situation.

2. Return Home, Only it is Different

Irma and her sons are caught at the border. They are deported back to Chihuahua. But she’s tougher. She won’t be pushed around. Sapo tries to collect but she refuses, warning him how much it cost him to follow her. She threatens to try for the border again. With her knowledge and experience, she might actually make it a second time. Sapo backs off. Irma’s sons respect her and she is free to raise her children the way she sees fit.

3. End with a Future

The boys make it across safely. They narrowly avoid the Border Patrol and make their way to a distant relative. Irma is caught and sent back. She agrees to work for the casino to pay off her husband’s debt though she has peace of mind knowing that her boys are safe.

4. Major Layer Uncovered

Irma and her sons think it’s the same drone helping them over and over. They only later realize that it was several and that they were being televised for a sick game show. Throughout the film, Americans are casually placing bets on some game. Turns out this was the game the entire time.

5. Good Guy Wins after Much Pain and Risk

Irma loses her job. Loses her money. Loses her husband. Her teenage sons don’t respect her. The police are after her for burglary. Gangsters are after her because her dead husband owes money. Her best friend betrays her. She takes her unruly sons across the desert in an attempt to cross the border. She is kicked out of the caravan because she is specifically being pursued by the cartel. On top of that, she is stalked by drones for a twisted game show. She distracts the drones so that her sons make it across safely.

6. Great Protagonist Strategy

Irma’s plan was to expose Sapo and Frank from the beginning. She was never planning to cross the border. She is privy to the partnership of the Mexican cartel and the US Border Patrol. Knowing that she would be televised, she secretly has connections to people in the states hacking into the game show and exposing the whole operation to the public.

[Pablo Soriano]

What I learned: My ending still needs work but what’s encouraging is that it was already leaning towards an ironic ending. It also helped me come up with a slightly more dramatic climax.

A. The Happy Ending or Up Ending.

3rd Act Lowpoint:

Beginning of Act Three: Irma and her sons are out of food and water because their “guardian angel” suddenly stopped making deliveries.

They don’t have the strength to continue…

Twist: They find shelter in a ghost town, where their angel has left one last care package of food and water.

Crisis: They are the last ones left from the caravan. They are surrounded by a dozen drones. Frank has already notified the BP of their location and where they will likely be headed. The BP is on their way.

Climax: As Frank’s goons break into Miguel’s house, security cameras set up in Miguel’s home get clear pictures of the men, as well as a photo of their license plate. After Miguel is nowhere to be found, the goons leave. Irma’s sons find a way to take out some of the drones using homemade slingshots. But there are too many. Irma tells her eldest to take his brother and bolt for the border. She runs a different direction to draw the remaining drones away. After a daring attempt to escape capture, all three are caught by authorities.

Resolution: Police arrive at Frank’s hideout for running a gambling operation and conspiracy to murder. The media is also there to expose Frank for his crimes. Meanwhile, Miguel sits safely in an undisclosed location, looking at Frank on a computer screen as he is handcuffed. It is revealed that Miguel tipped off the authorities and provided them with his own his security camera footage as well as his drone footage of the whole ordeal. With all the documentation, Irma’s entire story has gained national attention as she is praised for her sacrifice by liberals and Latin Americans and vilified by the conservatives and Nationalists. There is an outpour of support as Miguel starts an online fundraiser in her behalf… but embezzles some of it to pay back the money he lost betting on her. Irma, now with enough money to pay off her husband’s debt, opens a women’s shelter in Chihuahua.

B. THE TRAGEDY OR DOWN ENDING

Up at Beginning of 3rd Act: Irma and her sons escape the gangsters hidden amongst the caravan and find a drone charging station where they destroy as many as they can. With no one knowing their exact location, they have no one after them.

Twist: Irma and her sons are out of food and water because their “guardian angel” suddenly stopped making deliveries.

Twist: The poker chip that Sapo gave to Antonio as a gift has a tracker in it.

Crisis: They are the last ones left from the caravan. They are surrounded by replacement drones. Frank has already notified the BP of their location and where they will likely be headed. The BP is on their way. Irma tells her eldest to take his brother and bolt for the border. She runs a different direction to draw the remaining drones away. After a daring attempt to escape capture, all three are caught by authorities.

Climax: Irma and her sons are immediately caught by authorities. They are eventually deported back to Chihuahua and are forced to work for Sapo at his casino.

C. THE IRONIC ENDING.

Structure:

1. At the beginning of the 3rd Act, the goal is looking good, the need is in danger.

2. Twists and turns.

3. Climax concludes with Protagonist receiving their need, but

losing their goal

Beginning of 3rd Act: They discover that some of the members of the caravan are working for Sapo. They avoid them at all costs. They are able to find a drone charging station and destroy as many drones as they can.

Twist: The men working for Sapo are still in pursuit. But they aren’t trying to take them back. They are intentionally pushing them to a section of the border where the BP will be waiting for them.

Twist: Irma and her son’s find shelter in a ghost town near the border. They wonder how the men were able to find them and why they haven’t made any moves. They realize their intention of shepherding them to the BP.

Twist: New drones find their location. They don’t know it, but the poker chip that Sapo gave Antonio early in the story is actually a tracker.

Twist: Realizing that they can never go back, Antonio tosses the chip since he can never spend it.

CRISIS – Without food or water, Irma and her family are forced to make a move. But enemies are on either side. What’s worse is new drones find their location because the poker chip that Antonio was given by Sapo is actually a tracker.

CLIMAX – Irma lights one of the abandoned homes on fire, causing heavy smoke and blanketing their escape as the drones cannot see them. Without the tracker, the drones lose them for a brief moment. Irma lets go of her sons and leads the drones away from them to help increase their chances of making it across the border undetected. The final drone is being controlled by Frank. He has no choice but to follow her because there are bets placed on her success. If she loses, he wins big. But if the sons cross the border, he goes to prison.

Resolution: In fit of rage, Frank uses a drone to nose dive into Irma, forcing her to slip, fall off a high ledge and die. The boys make it safely across and are taken to a detention center where they are clothed and fed. Frank is arrested for his crimes as he is unable to hold his end of the deal of never letting any immigrants across. Irma’s story gains national news coverage. There is an outpour of support for Antonio and Andres as several Latino families volunteer for foster care.

[Pablo Soriano]

C. What I learned: I overcomplicated this storyline with too many characters. Outlining the ending a bit helped me figure that out. I don’t need that many to get the point across but it would good to sprinkle in some role players to move the story forward.

A. Answer the 5 questions below so you have a good understanding

of the foundation that needs to be considered as you create your

ending.

1. What is it that fascinates you about this story?

Dehumanization through the means of sport and competition.

2. What is the main conflict of the story?

A Mexican mother must protect her two sons from a gangster trying to collect a debt. But to get them safely across the US border, they must avoid the drones that are being controlled by a drug smuggler secretly working for the border patrol to avoid prison time.

3. What is the main goal/need of your protagonist?

Protect her son from the underworld in their hometown and illegally cross the border to get them to safety.

4. What is the character arc of your main characters?

Irma has always had poor luck so she always plays it safe and tries to maintain control over her sons but she learns to take risks and realizes that her sons will need to one day learn to live without her.

Part to be changed: Irma being overly protective and careful of her children. Never taking risks.

Biggest fear: Her two sons being taken to work for the gangsters that are after them.

Completion of arc: Irma realizes the only way to save her sons is to sacrifice herself and let her sons go.

5. How do you want this movie to end?

Irma realizes she is the main target so she distracts the drones so that her sons can make it safely to Texas. Since, they are without a guardian, the US government have no choice but to take care of them until they are of an appropriate age to be deported. Because she spoils the drug smugglers operation, she is killed and he is caught and charged by authorities.

B. Give a short description of how each of these structural steps

will occur in your script.

1. PLOT POINT 2 — The men that are after them are actually intentionally leading them towards the border patrol so that they get sent back. But while the thugs are after her sons, she realizes that the drones are after her. They find a drone charging station and destroy as many as they can. With no drones after them, they have a chance to make it across undetected.

2. CRISIS – After running out of food and water, Irma and her sons have no choice but to make a move towards the border. They are soon discovered because the poker chip that Sapo gave to Antonio is a tracker.

3. CLIMAX — Irma lets go of her sons and leads the drones away from them to help increase their chances of making it across the border undetected. The final drone is being controlled by the drug runner working with the BP. He has no choice but to follow her because their are bets placed on her success. If she loses, he wins big. But if the sons cross the border, he goes to prison.

4. RESOLUTION — Irma dies in the process of leading the drones away. The boys make it safely across and are take to a detention center where they are clothed and fed.

5. FINAL PAGE — Frank is exposed for his crimes after it is revealed that he is running a gambling ring on the dark web. Irma is martyr and a national hero in Mexico but none of the news makes it to the states. Without a guardian boys are taken care of by the US government. They are fostered by Mexican American citizens who know their story. Frank goes to prison. Sapo continues running the casino.

[Pablo Soriano]

What I learned: That the very first scene can very well set up the ending. And then basically every scene after that. Easier said than done, of course. But if you really want to shock the audience, it’s almost as if you need to blatantly put it under their nose without it making it too obvious.

MOVIE: Arlington Road

BASIC STORY UP TO THE 3RD ACT:

Michael proves that Oliver Lang is actually William Fenimore. But after Oliver kidnaps Michael’s son, Michael has to stay quiet lest his son be killed.

Michael rents a car to follow Oliver’s terrorist group undetected. He follows a van being filled with looks like explosives only to discover that his son is in the back of the van.

Michael fights off Oliver as he reveals that they plan on bombing the FBI building.

Michael then chases the van and breaks through the FBI barricade. After discovering the van is empty, he immediately realizes that it was his rental car had the bomb in the whole time. Boom.

THIRD ACT POINTS:

3rd ACT TURNING POINT: After his girlfriend is killed in a car crash, Michael gets a call from his friend from the FBI, Whit. Michael discovers that his phone messages are being erased. He looks out the window to see a mysterious electrician tapping into the phone line. Michael then switches to his cell phone and tells Whit to look up the name William Fenimore.

TWIST: After speaking with the father of a convicted terrorist, Michael realizes that he is connected to Oliver Lang by way of Discoverer camp, where his and Oliver’s son are both members. Thereby, proving that his neighbor is indeed up to something nefarious.

TWIST: Michael immediately heads to the Discoverer campsite to retrieve his young son but upon his arrival he comes to find out that his son isn’t there and that he and Brady, Oliver’s son, were picked up by their Troop Leader.

CRISIS: Michael drives directly to Oliver’s house where he’s having a party. Some of the guests look familiar as they are a part of Oliver’s terrorist group. Oliver reveals that they are responsible for Brooke’s death and tells Michael that they are holding his son hostage. In order to ensure his safety, Michael must not speak to anyone about Oliver’s real identity or his group.

CLIMAX: Michael then rents a car to sleuth out what Oliver’s scheme is. After finding the group’s delivery van carrying mysterious boxes, he follows them. He then discovers that his son is in the back of the van.

Michael crashes and faces off in a fist fight with Oliver where he reveals that the target is the FBI building. Michael then speeds to the FBI headquarters in the attempt to stop the bombing.

RESOLUTION: After crashing through security, Michael is surrounded by FBI agents and when they show him that the van is empty, he immediately runs to his rented car and opens the trunk. In his frantic, desperate attempt to thwart a terrorist attack, we discover that the bomb was in his car. Oliver gives the signal and the bomb goes off.

FINAL SCENE: Michael, our hero, is blamed and labeled a terrorist. Oliver is reassigned to another part of the country to plan and execute the next terror attack.

SETUPS IN FIRST TWO ACTS:

OPEN: A young boy stumbles in the middle of the street, dripping blood. Michael sees him while he drives home from work. He stops to help him and we see that the boy’s hand is completely torn apart. Bleeding badly, fingers missing. Michael frantically rushes him to the emergency room.

SETUP: We perceive Michael as the hero of the story. The boy injures his hand due to a firework explosion which is foreshadowing the FBI bombing . We see Michael frantic and speeding in his car to save him which sets up Michael speeding through traffic to try to save the people in the FBI building.

We learn that Michael is a professor at George Washington University he teaches the topic of terrorism. We also learn that his wife was an FBI agent killed in the line of duty.

SETUP: Michael comes off as a bit overly passionate in his profession. He shows emotion when discussing a recent terrorist attack, one we later know was also a set up by the same terrorist group next door. The death of his wife is also used as a motive when he is blamed for the FBI bombing.

After Oliver’s suspicious activity, Michael discovers in archives that Oliver’s real name is William Fenimore, and that he tried to blow up a post office in Kansas at age 16.

SETUP: This is the Inciting Incident. Michael embarks in his own investigation into his strange neighbors, almost obsessively. It raises concerns from his friend Whit and his girlfriend. It is the thread that is pulled to cause Michael to slowly unravel and become the pawn in their evil scheme.

————————————–

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s World View

What I learned: This makes things helpful when developing a character. As if there is some longterm goal outside of the one they have in the story. It shapes them to a much more defined personality. I’ll have to come back later with a completed scene.

Irma –

World View: God wants a better life for my children.

Metaphors: A mother rules the roost.

Rules and strategies:

-As long as I follow the signs, God will guide me to the promised land.

-As long as I follow what the bible tells me, we will be safe.

-I must resist temptation.

-God is testing me.

Justifications:

-I’m a good Catholic.

-With all the hardships I’ve been through, I’m due for some relief.

-God wants this for me.

Frank –

World View: All man for himself.

Metaphors: It’s a dog eat dog world.

Rules and strategies:

-Play the system.

-Exploit and take advantage.

Justifications:

-Everyone breaks the law and so can I.

-They’re just going to find a way to cross/sell drugs, might as well be me.

Miguel –

World view: Family comes first.

Metaphors: There’s no love like a mothers love.

Rules and strategies:

-Do what you do best: Gaming.

-Use your skills to make some extra cash.

-Bend the rules, cover your tracks

Justification:

Anything for mother.

It’s just some harmless gambling.

They’d be trying to cross the border anyway.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Character Traits Live

What I learned: I learned that this is not easy. And I’m not confident that I did the assignment all that well. But I wrote with the intention of revealing traits through dialogue. I’ll just have to keep practicing.

IRMA

Character Traits: religious, loving, sensible, DEFIANT

ANTONIO

Character Traits: Bold, arrogant, unruly, IN DENIAL

Irma and Antonio sit by the fire with Andres sleeps. Lightning cracks on a rainless night.

IRMA: God help us.

ANTONIO: Pssh.

IRMA: Well, Lord knows you won’t.

ANTONIO: God hasn’t been much help either.

IRMA: Watch your mouth. The good lord gave us life and all that great things that come with it.

ANTONIO: Right. Because this, all this, is so great.

He opens his arms towards the desert, like Moses parting the Red Sea.

IRMA: You have your two legs to walk and your two eyes to see, don’t you.

ANTONIO: My legs hurt. And my eyes? Well, I’d say the view is nice if it wasn’t for the buzzards.

IRMA: You know, we could have had plane tickets and you’d just complain about the inflight movie.

ANTONIO: They play movies on the plane?

IRMA: So I’ve heard.

ANTONIO: You see? You just want to be a gringo. Flying in airplanes. Ordering champagne.

IRMA: Is that what you think?

Antonio just shrugs and nods, convinced he’s figured it out.

IRMA: I’m doing this for you.

ANTONIO: I never wanted this.

IRMA: You don’t know what you want.

ANTONIO: How the hell would you know what I want? You never even ask me.

Beat.

IRMA: I know that you want to stay in the barrio. With your friends.

ANTONIO: I don’t give a shit about the barrio.

IRMA: Antonio–

ANTONIO: I don’t give a shit!

IRMA: Antonio!

ANTONIO: I never planned on staying in the Villa. I wanted to work my way out. I wanted to get a job and save up and buy a car and a house and… a pool.

Irma chuckles which causes her son to clenched his teeth.

ANTONIO: I’m being serious! I’ve asked you countless times if I could get a job. I’m old enough.

IRMA: You can get a job when you are done with your primary school. But only then.

ANTONIO: Mama. I have class tomorrow. You just pulled me out of school.

Irma bites her lip.

ANTONIO: Am I supposed to just pick up where I left off in Texas? I don’t even know English.

Irma tilts her head.

IRMA: (in English) Yes you do.

ANTONIO: Not enough.

IRMA: You know plenty.

ANTONIO: Mama. Why are we running? Sapo offered us work.

Irma stiffens.

IRMA: He offered you a job? You spoke with Sapo?

ANTONIO: Mama, Sapo offers everyone a job.

IRMA: Sapo is a snake.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Great Dialogue Scene from Ocean’s 11

What I learned: I chose a scene early on in the screenplay. This is a film that has many twists and turns but also a hodgepodge of terrific characters. I wanted to see how and when it draws you in and, to me, it’s definitely the dialogue. It distinguishes each character as well as pull us in to what they are scheming. Danny, the main protagonist played by George Clooney, just gets out of prison and it already looking to pull a heist. The first person he brings along for the job is going by another name. Already we have two shady characters trying and not trying to stay out go trouble. The dialogue clearly conveys this. I learned that every word should reveal the true nature of a character.

AT BLACKJACK TABLE

Danny cranes his neck about the casino, looking for

someone — a friend, somebody who should be here — but

without success. He turns his attention back to his

cards, and the cards of the dealer.

Nine-ten. Stay. Dealer — seventeen. Danny wins.

King-four. Dealer shows a six. Stick. Dealer busts.

Queen-ace. Twenty-one. Danny wins again.

A second dealer relieves the first, and Danny recognizes

him with a smile — this wasn’t the friend he was

scouting for, but two hours out of the joint any familiar

face is welcome.

DANNY

Hello, Frank.

The new dealer (FRANK CATTON) glances up at Danny, and

his eyes go wide, like a priest who’s discovered he’s

dealing communion wafers to the pontiff himself. He

quickly hides his astonishment.

(NOTES: It’s obviously Frank, but he plays it off. Two old cons getting reacquainted.)

FRANK

I beg your pardon, sir. You must

have me confused with someone

else. My name is Ramon. See?

He taps the name embroidered on his vest, although he is

the most African-looking Ramon you’ve ever seen. A pit

boss circles close by and glares at them both.

DANNY

My mistake…

(collecting his chips, doubled)

Table’s cold anyway. (NOTES: A way of saying: I’ll be on my way.)

FRANK

You might try the lounge at the Grand, sir. It gets busy around one.

(NOTES: He’s saying: I’ll meet you there)

DANNY

(as he goes)

Thanks.

INT. LOUNGE AT GRAND

Danny checks his watch — 12:58 — then the lounge around

him: prison had more nightlife. He nurses a bourbon,

folds back the New York Times and scans.

His eyes move down the page and stop at a header —

“Vegas’ Paradiso to be Razed; Former Owner Denounces

Plans” — accompanied by two photographs…

The first: Tan, well-coiffed developer and new owner of

the Paradiso, Terry Benedict, with a beautiful (if barely

visible) woman on his arm. The second: scowling former

owner, Reuben Tishkoff.

FRANK (O.S.)

Catching up on current events?

Danny lowers the paper; Frank is sitting across from him,

changed out of his dealer’s threads.

DANNY

Ramon?

FRANK

Glad to meet you. Frank Catton

wouldn’t get by the gaming board.

(beat)

You just out?

DANNY

This afternoon. (NOTES: Short and sweet. Brings us up to date.

FRANK

(re: Danny’s drink and whereabouts)

And already turning over a new leaf. (NOTES: Good use of cliche expressions.)

Frank signals a passing waitress; she ignores him.

DANNY

(directly, this is why he’s here)

You seen him? (NOTES: Who? I’m intrigued.)

FRANK

Last I heard he was in L.A.

Teaching movie stars how to

play cards.

(beat)

Why? You don’t have something

planned already? (NOTES: Again, intrigued. What is he up to?)

DANNY

You kidding? I just became a citizen again. (NOTES: He denies it. But in doing so, says: Yes.)

Frank stares at Danny a moment, finally catches his eye,

and Danny can’t help but grin: of course he has.

Frank turns his eyes to heaven…

FRANK

Jesus… (NOTE: Double meaning. Funny.)

INT. SUB SHOP – NIGHT

MOVING WITH Danny and Frank.

FRANK

It’s tough now, our line of work.

Everybody so serious. Too many

guns, too many computers. Whadda

you gonna do? Steal from ordinary

people?

DANNY

That would be criminal. (NOTES: They are criminals. But they have principles. Standards.)

FRANK

So what’s left? Banks? Hah.

Banks got no money. It’s all

electronic. Only place that still

takes cash is…

DANNY

Casinos.

FRANK

(realizing)

Oh, no… (NOTE: The big reveal.)

DANNY

Oh, yes…

FRANK

When?

DANNY

Soon. Interested?

Frank smiles. Danny has his answer.

10 INT. SUB SHOP – FOYER – NIGHT 10

Danny pulls a business card from his jacket, picks up the

phone again, and dials the card’s number.

DANNY

Yes, Officer Brooks? My name is

Danny Ocean. I’m just out, I’m

supposed to check in with you

within twenty-four hours.

(listens)

No, sir, I haven’t gotten into

any trouble. No drinking, no sir.

(listens, finishes his bourbon)

No, sir, I wouldn’t even think of

leaving the state.

OFF the sound of a JET fly-over we…

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Dialogue Cover-Ups

What I learned: I used distraction for my cover-up but what’s great about this exercise it that I could have done it several other ways. Irma doesn’t actually lie either. This is a good skill to know to keep things tense between the characters.

EXT. DESERT – NIGHT

Now with full stomachs, they sit around the crank lantern. It’s colder but each of them drape an emergency blanket over themselves like futuristic cloaks. Irma pulls out a deck of cards. She quickly shuffles and deals.

IRMA: Gin Rummi

ANTONIO: It’s the only game we ever play.

ANDRE: It’s the only game I know how to play.

ANTONIO: Yeah, and you aren’t very good at it.

IRMA: Tony, stop.

After shifting their cards around, they get a couple runs in.

ANDRES: Are there casinos in Texas?

IRMA: Gambling is illegal in Texas.

ANDRES: Really? Then why is papa there?

Irma hesitates.

IRMA: It’s your turn, Andres.

Andres trades a card from the deck.

ANTONIO: Is papa looking for work?

Beat.

IRMA: No.

ANDRES: How did he get there? Did he have to cross the desert too?

Beat.

IRMA: No.

Antonio stares at his mother as she changes out a card.

IRMA: Your turn, Tony.

ANTONIO: When did he tell you he was leaving?

IRMA: I told him to leave. It’s your turn.

ANTONIO: Is this about Sapo?

IRMA: Antonio–

ANDRE: Who’s Sapo?

ANTONIO: A man that papa owes money to.

IRMA: Antonio!

ANDRES: Oh, the man from the casino?

ANTONIO: Yeah, he–

IRMA: Antonio!

ANTONIO: What!?

Beat.

(crisply)

IRMA: It’s. Your. Turn.

Antonio slaps his cards down and gets up as he stares daggers at his mother. He walks away, into the dark. Irma gathers herself. Andres looks at his brother’s cards.

ANDRES: Oh he was so close…

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Subtext Scene

What I learned: This exercise was helpful in that I now have all three protagonists with their own separate agenda. It makes for constant tension between characters.

1. First, tell us any background we may need to know.

After getting supplies from a mysterious ally, Irma lets Antonio guide the group using the compass that was included in said supplies as a sign of trust. Antonio uses this in the attempt to guide his family back directly to the border patrol so that they can be sent back home. Irma has not revealed why they are running away nor has she told her children that their father is dead.

1. What is the meaning of the subtext?

The meaning is that they are going the wrong direction.

2. What is the cover-up?

The cover-up is Antonio is sabotaging their escape while Irma is hiding the reason why they are escaping.

3. When will the meaning be revealed? Before, during, or after?

It is revealed that Antonio is leading them along the wrong path during this scene. But it won’t be revealed that they are running from their father’s murderers until later.

4. How will the meaning be revealed?

Antonio admits that he wants to go home and then throws the compass out of reach, proving that he has no intention of crossing the border.

3. Pick one or more of the scene designs for subtext.

C. Something is off

F. Competitive agendas

EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – DAY

The Escandon Family hike through the rocky terrain. The sun continues to beat down on them even as it makes it’s way down. Irma does a double take and halts.

IRMA: I’ve seen that rock before.

ANTONIO: You’re delusional.

IRMA: No. I know I did because it has a chin. It looks like Jay Leno.

ANTONIO: Who?

IRMA: It doesn’t matter. I know that I’ve seen it because I noticed it before.

ANTONIO: Ok mama.

Antonio pushes on. Andres follows at first when he realizes his mother is fixated on the rock.

ANDRES: It’s probably not the same rock mama.

Irma walks up to it.

IRMA: Antonio.

Her eldest son stops and looks back.

IRMA: Let me see the compass.

ANTONIO: What?

IRMA: You heard me.

Antonio grips the compass.

ANTONIO: You said I could be in charge of leading.

IRMA: It’s my turn now.

ANTONIO: No. That wasn’t the deal.

ANDRES: Come on, mama. You said he could.

Irma ignores him.

ANTONIO: Do you honestly think I don’t know how to use it?

IRMA: No. I think you know exactly how to use it.

Andres looks completely lost.

ANTONIO: So you think I’m deliberately leading us off path? Are you serious?

IRMA: I’m not sure what you are doing. All I know is that we’ve been here before.

ANTONIO: I can’t believe you don’t trust me.

Andres looks back at his mother, waiting for her response. Irma reaches out to him.

IRMA: Andres. Come over to me.

Andres doesn’t think twice. He heads right to her.

ANTONIO: What are you doing?

IRMA: We are going back the other way.

ANTONIO: What?

Irma clips the backpack strap across her chest.

IRMA: If you want food or water, you’ll have to follow us.

ANTONIO: Mama.

Irma grabs Andres by the wrist and tugs him in the opposite direction.

ANTONIO: Mama. You’re going the wrong way!

Irma ignores him. Andres desperately looks back at his brother.

ANTONIO: I’m not following you.

IRMA: You’d better if you want to make it alive.

This startles Antonio, the reality setting in.

ANTONIO: This is all your fault!

Irma stops.

ANTONIO: Why couldn’t you just take the job!? Then we’d be home–

IRMA: Antonio, please.

ANTONIO: I want to go home!

IRMA: We can’t! We can never go back! It’s not our home anymore!

Andres pulls away from his mother. His eyes wide with shock.

ANDRES: We aren’t… ever going back?

Irma closes her eyes in exhaustion as she searches for the right words.

ANDRES: Are we in trouble?

Beat.

IRMA: Yes.

ANTONIO: Is papa waiting for us in Texas?

IRMA: No.

ANDRES: What?

ANTONIO: I knew it! You just want to leave papa! Well, we don’t!

IRMA: Antonio! We are too far to turn back now! Now, give me the damn compass!

Antonio turns towards the sun, winds up and heaves the compass. As Irma watches the item fly through the air, she bares her teeth as if ready to roar.

IRMA: Antonio!

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Subtext Relationship

What I learned: While didn’t have the time to finish a scene, I think I’ve set something up here that could make the dynamic between Irma and her sons very interesting. This exercise gave me an idea on how to add more drama and conflict to the story by adding subtext to their relationship.

Character Name: Irma

Subtext Identity: Protective mother of two young boys

Character Traits: tough, loving, sensible, DEFIANT

Subtext Logline: Irma is a defiant mother of two who must stay out of reach from the gangsters who murdered her husband by sneaking her family across the border, all the while never telling her sons that they are in danger and that their father is dead.

Character Name: Antonio

Subtext Identity: Rebellious teen who wants to stay in Mexico

Character Traits: Bold, arrogant, unruly, IN DENIAL

Subtext: Logline: Antonio is a rebellious teen that argues with his mother and attempts to sabotage their escape to the states by divulging their location to the gangsters that are after them.

Character Name: Andres

Subtext Identity: Well behaved tween-ager that is thrilled to go states imagining some sort of Shangrila, aware of the danger their family is in.

Character Traits: Bright, patient, optimistic, SHY

Subtext Logline: Andres is a shy boy that goes along with his mother’s plan of escape and tries to avoid conflict by doing as he’s told, keeping quiet even when he knows when something is wrong

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Subtext Characters

What I learned: It’s fun to think of subtext for characters. It makes them deeper and gives me more ideas for content and scenes.

Character Name: Frank

Subtext Identity: Creative drug smuggler

Character Traits: Clever, competitive, direct, COVERT

Subtext Logline: Frank is blackmailed into working for the border patrol catching illegal immigrants but is secretly working with the Mexican cartel to smuggle drugs into the US.

Possible areas of subtext: Secretly keeps in contact with the cartel behind his partner’s back. Is constantly lying to the Border Patrol, his team and his family.

Character Name: Miguel

Subtext Identity: Professional video game addict

Character Traits: Tech-savvy, crafty, introverted, NERVOUS

Subtext Logline: Miguel has to come up with money to help his aging mother the only way her knows how: gaming. But stumbles onto an illegal gambling ring on the dark web and tries his luck though not without gaining a bit of an advantage.

Possible areas of subtext: He justifies his participation in the gambling ring by telling himself it’s just a game. He cheats to gain the advantage. He becomes obsessed with winning.

Character Name: Irma

Subtext Identity: Protective mother of two young boys

Character Traits: tough, loving, sensible, DEFIANT

Subtext Logline: Married to a deadbeat who’s in trouble with the cartel, Irma’s only chance at a better life for her sons is to take them across the border to Texas.

Possible areas of subtext: Devoutly religious, she constantly asks God’s forgiveness for her actions before breaking a couple cardinal rules. She’s sick of men telling her what to do, including her priest. She’s done following the rules.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Great Subtext Scene

What I learned: “Our minds are so fast at perceiving meaning that many times, we read a script and don’t even notice it. We just get the meaning and experience the story through it.” So true.

When it comes to subtext, I find that romance and sexual tension are some of the most commonly used in films. Hidden beneath the surface. I chose the film CAROL. But I have to admit, I kind of cheated. I took this from another website as an example. Though I was intentionally searching for a scene of two lovers.

Carol tells the story of Therese Belivet (Rooney Mara), a slightly lost, but also very young, aspiring photographer in New York City, who takes a job at a department store for the Christmas holiday. There, she meets Carol Aird (Cate Blanchett), a customer who appears to be an upper-class wife and mother from New Jersey. Carol has invited Therese to her home…

INT. CAROL’S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

CAROL

Were those pictures of me you were

taking? At the tree lot?

(The subtext here: “Do you think I’m beautiful?”)

THERESE stops playing. A silence.

THERESE

I’m sorry. I should have asked.

(The subtext: “May I have your permission to be attracted to you?”)

CAROL

Don’t apologize.

( Meaning she doesn’t have to ask for permission to be attracted to women. What seems like a conversation about photography is really about their sexual desire for each other.

THERESE

I’ve been trying to… A friend of

mine told me I should be more

interested. In humans.

CAROL

And how’s that going?

THERESE

(after a small beat)

Well… actually.

CAROL

I’m glad.

THERESE begins to play “Easy Living.” CAROL listens for a

moment, rises, walks over to Therese.

CAROL (CONT’D)

That’s beautiful.

(Subtext: You’re beautiful)

She grazes her hand on Therese’s shoulder. THERESE freezes,

and CAROL tries to lighten the moment with two quick strokes

to her cheek. THERESE continues to play and CAROL listens.

CAROL (CONT’D)

Is that what you want to be? A

photographer?

THERESE

I think so. If I have any talent

for it.

CAROL

Isn’t that something other people

let you know you have? All you can

do is – keep working. Use what

feels right. Throw away the rest.

(Subtext: Do what feels right. Let go.)

THERESE finishes the song. CAROL starts over to a table by

the couch, opens a cigarette box, takes one out, lights it.

CAROL (CONT’D)

Will you show me your work?

(she sits on the couch)

(Subtext: “Can I see you again?”)

THERESE

Sure. I mean, I haven’t sold

anything. Or even shown a picture

to anyone who could buy one. I

don’t even have a decent camera.

But… they’re all at my place.

Under the sink, mostly.

CAROL

Invite me round.

(Subtext: I want to come over. I want to see you again.)

This scene between Carol and Therese is like a dance of revelation about their attraction to each other.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Extreme Emotion

What I learned: That this a lot of fun. I’ll admit, I have to scour through thesaurus to pull this off but I enjoy creating a colorful way to describe a scene. I

INT. FACTORY – DAY

Irma punches rivets into jeans using bulky, deafening machinery. Repeating the same action over and over. If she wasn’t singing the tune on the radio, you’d think she was a part of the mechanism itself.

Hector, as thin as the pencil in his right hand, is fixated on the clipboard in his left. Marching up to Irma’s section, never looking up.

HECTOR: Irma.

The machine stops when she turns to him.

HECTOR: Your break isn’t for another two hours.

She checks her watch.

IRMA: That’s right.

HECTOR: Well, your husband’s here and he says he’s meeting you for lunch.

Irma throws her head up, clenches her fists and is just about to yell at the sky before she takes a quick breath and gathers herself.

IRMA: I’m sorry. I’ll tell him to leave.

HECTOR: Remember you have to submit requests to change up your schedule.

IRMA: No. I know. He was just… trying to surprise me. I’ll go talk to him.

Another quick breath and she curves around Hector.

HECTOR: This will have to cut into your break time.

Irma turns slowy, mouth agape, hands on her hips. Her eyes are laser beams. Mom is pissed.

HECTOR: Or… I can let it go… this one time. But remember–

Irma is done with the conversation and turns on a heel. Hector nods, looks to see if anyone saw her blatant disrespect and dives back into his clipboard. He marches over to the next sector.

INT. BREAK ROOM – DAY

Ricardo is smacking the side of a vending machine when Irma stomps in.

IRMA: What do you want?

RICARDO: I want the goddamn Cheetos I paid for.

SMACK.

IRMA: What?

RICARDO: The stupid machine ate my money.

Irma looks at this man-child with such disdain. Enough.

IRMA: What. Do. You. Want.

Ricardo gives up on his snack and turns to her.

RICARDO: I’m going to need you to get your next paycheck in advance.

Irma is flabbergasted.

IRMA: What?

RICARDO: I don’t think you truly understand the severity of the situation.

IRMA: I don’t care, Ricardo. Solve your own problems for once.

RICARDO: I… I… This… is the only thing I can come up with, Irma.

IRMA: To get an advance? That’s all the money we have. How are we-

RICARDO: Irma, please. As my wife, it is your responsibility to–

Irma’s whole body deflates as she rolls her eyes. She’s heard this argument too many times.

IRMA: Oh please. Cut the bullshit.

Ricardo looks at her feet as a tinge of desperation runs down his face.

RICARDO: You really don’t understand the seve–

IRMA: Severity of the situation. Yeah, I heard you.

Beat.

RICARDO: You really don’t care what happens to me.

IRMA: When did you ever care about us, Ricardo?

RICARDO: Of course I care about you, Irma.

IRMA: No. US! Not just me. You have two sons. When was the last time you spent time with your own children?

Ricardo is defeated. He has no argument.

RICARDO: I’ll make it up to them.

IRMA: Ok. I’m going back to work now.

She heads for the door.

RICARDO: Irma. Those boys might lose their father.

IRMA: They lost him a long time ago.

The door slams shut. Ricardo stands alone. He turns to the vending machine and gives it one last SMACK in frustration.

[Pablo Soriano]

<div>Pablo’s Vivid Visuals</div>

What I learned: The beauty of screenwriting is mastering the skill of brevity. How to say more with less. Direct and to the point but while still keeping it poetic and fluid. I think that’s what I like the most about screenplays.

Part 1. The Post screenplay

Gingerly, strobing light of gunfire, hustling, clustered, a flicker of fear, waspy-worn, stuffy, gliding, fastidiously tucking into breakfast, scrutinizing The New York Times, Ben fumes, rumpled, library tan, a constant soundtrack of typewriters, Ben bulldozes towards his office, Ben digests the article, Very cat who ate the canary

Part 2.

1.The group begins to show worry.

Change to: The crowd begins to fuss.

2. Irma sprays and wipes surfaces around the house as an old tube television plays reruns of Jeopardy in the living room.

Change to: Irma nimbly sweeps as the warm hum of the tube television, practically an antique, plays reruns of Wheel Of Fortune.

3. Irma takes a moment to gather herself before she picks up the magnets off the floor.

Change to: As the dust settles, Irma cleans up the remnants of their daily domestic dispute.

4. They approach the cashier, pudgy middle-aged man. Irma rummages through her purse for the check.

Change to: They stumble over to the cashier, a bullfrog in a wrinkled uniform. Irma delves into her purse fishing for the elusive check.

5. Frightened, he hurries the group ahead of him, women and children mostly.

Change to: He hastily shepherds a small flock of mostly women and children ahead of him.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Hope/Fear in Action

What I learned: It’s one thing to invent some overall threat in a story, it’s another thing to really make the reader/viewer think that the heroes might actually lose or fail. The uncertainty that comes from bouncing between hope and fear only works if the fear is valid. I’ll admit, I cheated a bit on this assignment. I used Irmas general fear without providing a genuine, thought-out threat. I did come up with some better ideas for a scene while I was typing but this just came out first. At least it got me thinking.

EXT. DESERT – DAY

Irma and her sons sit in a triangle. Andres sips on juice boxes from the “gift” bag.

ANDRES: Who’s controlling them?

(FEAR)

IRMA: Whoever they are, they know where we are going.

ANDRES: And… Where do they go?

ANTONIO: They go where we go, dummy.

ANDRES: No… They have to go back somewhere. They have batteries. They need to go back to charge.

Antonio straightens up.

(HOPE)

ANTONIO: You’re right.

Antonio looks up and counts three drones.

ANTONIO: They can’t just stay out here forever. Whoever’s controlling them havet to bring them back to… wherever they are.

IRMA: Wait…

ANDRES: If we wait long enough…

(FEAR)

IRMA: No.

ANTONIO: It can’t be more than… What? A couple of hours?

ANDRES: Ugh. So we just have to stare at these things until then?

(FEAR)

IRMA: Absolutely not.

ANTONIO: Mama. It’s a long border. They know where we are headed but we can’t let them know exactly where. Or when.

(FEAR)

IRMA: And you want to follow them? What if they go right to the border patrol?

ANTONIO: Well we can’t go back anyway. And even if it does, they can’t touch us unless we actually cross the border.

IRMA: So what? Then we just start walking along the border wall until we find an opening?

ANTONIO: Well how else were we going to do it? Whatever plan Carlos had going probably went to shit anyway.

IRMA: Ok. So we find where they’re being controlled from. Then what?

ANDRES: We walk away.

IRMA: Huh?

(HOPE)

ANTONIO: If we know where the controller is, we could just start walking pretty much any other direction. It might actually be a good thing if its at least near the wall.

IRMA: Why?

ANDRES: All remote controls have a limited range.

Irma still isn’t following.

(HOPE)

ANTONIO: If we know where to walk away from, we know that eventually the drones wouldn’t be able to follow us once we are far enough away.

Irma ponders.

ANDRES: They wouldn’t be able to control them if-

IRMA: Yeah, yeah. I get it now.

Irma’s eyes go back and forth between her two sons.

IRMA: Do you guys think this is some game?

(HOPE)

ANTONIO: Well, when you get a couple free health packs… It kind of starts feeling like a game.

ANDRES: Kind of like Metal Gear Solid 7.

ANTONIO: Yeah right.

(FEAR)

IRMA: Boys, this is serious. We are not-

ANDRES: There! It just left!

ANTONIO: What? Which one?

Irma also looks up.

ANDRES: The one over by you. It went that way.

Andres points North.

ANTONIO: No it didn’t, it’s right there.

Antonio points at a drone.

ANDRES: Huh? I swear I just saw it go that way.

IRMA: They switched them.

The boys look at their mother.

IRMA: I didn’t see one leave but I’m pretty sure this one just arrived.

ANTONIO: They rotate them out. When one has to charge, a new one takes its place.

Andres has heard enough. He grabs his bag and heads north.

IRMA: Andres. No.

ANDRES: Mama. I hate to say this but you’re being dumb.

Antonio busts out a quick laugh before controlling himself.

IRMA: Andres!

ANDRES: Mom! All we have to do is follow them back to wherever and then walk the other way. It’s the easiest plan ever.

(FEAR)

IRMA: Boys. If hornets were following you, why would you want to find the hive?

ANTONIO: Mama. These aren’t hornets. These are men controlling these things.

Irma looks at her son incredulously.

IRMA: Yeah, Tony. I know.

(HOPE)

ANTONIO: Ok. So if some guy was controlling hornets to follow me, I’d like to find out who that guy is and kick him in the nuts.

Irma’s eyes roll all the way to Texas.

IRMA: Be serious.

ANDRES: And mom.

IRMA: What?!

ANDRES: Hornets don’t fly far from their hive.

Irma doesn’t reply.

ANDRES: Let’s just find the hive and walk away.

Andres starts walking. Antonio follows. Irma waits a solid ten seconds before giving in. She swears under her breath before grabbing her bag.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Uncertainty Scene

What I learned: That emotional yo-yo of uncertainty is so crucial and typically found towards the end of a film I think, much like the Happy Gilmore example. And I feel that dashing in a bit more fear may be better for storytelling as you must post a challenge for the hero to obtain hope. I chose the ending in 5th Element as my example.

The Fifth Element

Right before this scene, Leeloo gets shot and the case of stones is stolen by Zorg (fear). Then we come to find out that the stones are inside the Diva Plavalaguna, Leeloo’s trusted contact (hope). The group gain possession of the elemental stones arrives at the temple with only minutes to save the world. In this final scene it swings between hope and fear 14 times with fear beating out hope 13 to 9. But hope ultimately wins out at the end, of course.

263	EXT.  SPACE

	Earth is in view.  The Dark Planet fills the screen and heads for the blue planet.

264	INT.  PRESIDENT'S  OFFICE

						SCIENTIST
				About nine minutes.

*(FEAR)*	President Lindberg has trouble breathing. 

265	INT.  TEMPLE

	Lit by torches, Korben sets Leeloo delicately on the altar in the exact center of the four elements.  Cornelius looks over the four Stones every which way. 

						CORNELIUS
					(panic-stricken)
				Uh, this one... must be water!

	It's obvious he doesn't know where to put it.

						KORBEN
*(FEAR)*			Don't tell me you don't know how all
				this works? 

						CORNELIUS
				Theoretically, yes! The four Stones form 
				the beam and the Fifth Element is supposed 
				to stand in the middle there, but...
				I don't have the reference book. 
				I've never seen the Stones work!

	Korben can't believe his ears.  He tears the Stone out of Cornelius' hand and studies the inscriptions.  He goes over to one of the four bases the stones rest on and tries to figure it out.  The symbol of air is on the Stone, the same as on the base.

*(HOPE)*					KORBEN
				Match the symbols!

	Korben places the first Stone and picks up another one.  Cornelius has found the symbol for water.  Loc Rhod sits down.  He is very tired.

						LOC RHOD
				What is this some kinda game? Like 
				chess?

	Korben pulls him to his feet and sticks a Stone in his hands.

*(FEAR)*					KORBEN
				No. It's much simpler. If we don't figure 
				out where these Stones go in five minutes, 
				we're all dead! Think you got it?

	Loc Rhod's got it and runs over to put in his Stone.  The four Stones are all in place but nothing happens.

						KORBEN
				There's no light! You told me there were 
				supposed to be four beams of light.

						CORNELIUS
					(lost)
				Yes, of course, but... The Stones are shut!  
				They have to be open for it to work.

						KORBEN
*(FEAR)*			And you don't know how they open, 
				is that what you are saying?

						CORNELIUS
				That's what I'm saying.

266	EXT.  SPACE

	The Dark Planet closes in on Earth rapidly.

267	INT.  CHAPEL

	Korben leans over Leeloo.

						KORBEN
				Leeloo? The Stones! We have to open
				them! How does it work?

						LEELOO
					(feeble)
				The wind blows... the fire burns...

						KORBEN
				I know all that, Leeloo! I'm talking 
				about the Stones.

						LEELOO
				...The rain falls...

	Korben is desperate.  Leeloo's too weak, he won't get anything more out of her.  
	He darts over to a Stone and turns it over and over.

						KORBEN
				The rain falls... the wind blows?

	Loc Rhod stands in front of his Stone looking at Korben.

						KORBEN
				Try and figure out how this fucking thing
				opens, instead of staring at me like that!

	Loc Rhod starts feeling the Stone all around.

						LOC RHOD
					(afraid)
				I'm looking, I'm looking.

268	INT.  PRESIDENT'S  OFFICE

	The tension is palpable in the President's office.

						SCIENTIST
				...Three minutes.

						MUNRO
*(FEAR)*				We've lost contact with them.

269	INT.  CHAPEL

	Korben and Cornelius turn the Stones every which way.  All to no avai1.  Loc Rhod is discouraged.

						LOC RHOD
				...we'll never make it.

	He sighs.  Three hooks pop off the Stone.  Loc Rhod can't believe his eyes.

						LOC RHOD
*(HOPE)*				It... it moved! Korben! Korben!

	Korben rushes over, looks at the Stone.  Hooks are undone.

						KORBEN
				What did you say? What did you do?

						LOC RHOD
				Nothing! Swear to God, I didn't do
				nothing!

						KORBEN
				Look, you did something that set it off. 
				Try to remember. Concentrate. Tell me 
				exactly what you did!!

	Loc Rhod tries to duplicate the same movement.

						LOC RHOD
				I was like this... With my hands here and... 
				I said, "We'll never make it!" That's all!

	Nothing happens.

						KORBEN
				Is that all?

						LOC RHOD
				Yeah... then I sighed... like this.

	Loc Rhod sighs, really depressed this time.  The Stone opens even more.  
	Korben's got it.

						KORBEN
				The wind! The wind blows...

	Korben blows on the Stone which immediately opens revealing a patch of blue sky with 	some miniature clouds floating around inside.  A yellow beam pops up like a ray of sunlight, like Korben's smile.

						KORBEN
*(HOPE)*			Quickly, everyone on a Stone! 
				Water for water!  Fire for fire!  
				Earth for earth!

	The two men move fast.  Korben on the 4th Stone: Earth.  He grabs a fistful of earth  and throws it on the Stone.  A miniature patch of green appears and immediately forms 	a green beam.  Cornelius wipes his forehead with a scarf and wrings it out over the 	Stone.  It opens revealing a patch of miniature raging sea.  A blue beam appears.

	Loc Rhod has a problem.

						LOC RHOD
					(shaking)
*(FEAR)*				I don't have a light.  I stopped smoking 
				last week! If we'd come a bit sooner...

	Korben pats his pockets, he comes up with a box of matches.  There's only one left.

						KORBEN
				Don't breathe.

*(HOPE)*	Loc Rhod and Cornelius hold their breath.  Korben strikes the match.  A small flame appears on the tip.  A breeze goes through the room.  Korben feels like he's got TNT in his hands.  He approaches the flame to the Stone.  The flame twists, dims, flickers ...but holds on.  The Stone opens.  A patch of miniature fire appears. Korben sighs, snuffs out the match.  The fourth beam, a red one, immediately forms.

270	EXT.  SPACE

	A mass of fire fills the screen.  The Earth is only a thousand miles away.

271	INT.  PRESIDENT'S  OFFICE

						SCIENTIST
					Two more minutes.

*(FEAR)*  The President shuts his eyes.  His lids move in prayer.

272	INT.  CHAPEL

	Korben helps Leeloo onto her feet where the four beams and four colors crisscross.

						KORBEN
				It's up to you now, Angel!

						LEELOO
				I'm so tired...

						KORBEN
				You can sleep tomorrow... come on...

						LEELOO
				I want to sleep... forever...

						KORBEN
				Leeloo! Listen to me! I'll take you on 
				a vacation afterwards! A real vacation, 
				this time, for as long as you want. 
				Come on! You can do it!

	Korben slowly releases Leeloo and steps back from the altar. 
	Leeloo can barely stand in the center of the four beams.  
	An indistinct white beam begins to form around her, starts to rise. (HOPE)

						CORNELIUS
				Come on Leeloo! Come on!

*(FEAR)*	The beam loses its intensity.  Leeloo crumples to the floor.

273	EXT.  SPACE

	The Dark Planet hurtles toward Earth.  A hundred miles before impact.  The African 	continent is visible.  No doubt about it:The fireball is heading right for Egypt.

274	INT.  PRESIDENT'S  OFFICE

	Seconds tick away relentlessly on the scientist's stopwatch.

						SCIENTIST
*(FEAR)*				It'll be entering the atmosphere in one
				minute.

275	INT.  CHAPEL

	The heat in the temple is unbearable.  All the walls start to ooze the same horrible black slimy liquid seen at Zorg's.  A drop of liquid falls to the temple floor and begins to 	smoke, eating away at it like acid.  Loc Rhod has to dodge another drop of the stuff.  	Korben quickly straightens Leeloo up and puts her back in the center of the beams.

						KORBEN
				Leeloo! If you don't get on with the 
				program we're all gonna die! And that's 
				not on my agenda for today.

	Leeloo wraps her arms around Korben's neck.

						LEELOO
					(weak)
				What's the use of saving lives...
				when you see what you do with them!

						KORBEN
				You're right but there are lots of good
				things... beautiful things...

						LEELOO
*(HOPE)*				...Like love...

						KORBEN
				Exactly.

						LEELOO
				But I don't know love... I'm like a machine 
				programmed to save other people's lives but 
				never to have one of my own.

276	INT.  PRESIDENT'S  OFFICE

	The Scientist's stopwatch goes from 30 to 29 seconds.

277	INT.  CHAPEL

						LEELOO
				I have thousands of memories but none 
				of them are mine... There is no need for 
				me other than this. I'm immortal but I have 
				no life.

						KORBEN
				Yes, you do! I need you. More than you
				can imagine! Stand up straight!

						LEELOO
				Why?... Why would you need me?

						KORBEN
				Because...

						CORNELIUS
					(to himself)
				Tell her, for God's sake!

	A bit of the black acid falls on Loc Rhod's shirt setting it on fire.  He rips if off.

	CUT TO:

278	INT.  CHAPEL

						KORBEN
				Because...

	Leeloo has tears in her eyes.  The heat is overpowering.  Black acid is everywhere.

						LEELOO
				Tell me...

						KORBEN
*(HOPE)*				I love you...

	Despite her fatigue, Leeloo smiles broadly.

	CUT TO:

278b	INT.  PRESIDENT'S  OFFICE

	The stopwatch goes from 3 to 2.

279 INT.  CHAPEL

						LEELOO
				Now you're allowed to kiss me.

*(HOPE)*- Korben wraps his arms around her and kisses her like he's never kissed anybody before.  - The white beam, the Divine Light, immediately forms around Leeloo and Korben. - The stopwatch hits zero.  - The Absolute Beam explodes from the top of the 	pyramid and heads straight into the sky zapping the fireball smack in the middle, 	slowing it down.  - Korben and Leeloo kiss like there was no tomorrow.

	- The beam hardens and slowly solidifies the Evil Planet.  Inaudible screeches escape from the dying planet.  Screeches of terrifying pain as if a million souls were dying.

	- Streams of black acid spurt from the pyramid and solidify like brilliant stalactites.

280	EXT.  SPACE

	The pure beam, the Light of Life, has finished its work.  The Dark Planet nothing more 	than a dead planet. 
	Strangely enough, it looks like the moon.  Everything is calm around it.

281	INT.  PRESIDENT'S OFFICE

	President Lindberg opens his eyes and realizes he's not dead-

						SCIENTIST
				The planet seems to have stopped at...
				62 miles from impact.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Hooks

What I learned: I’m hoping that my hooks are strong enough. There is constant conflict in this story. Making it harder for Irma to get her sons across the border might help. It asks the question: What will happen to them? Can they make it? I’ll try to brainstorm other ideas to hook the reader but this scene helps because it’s just never easy for the protagonist.

EXT. DESERT – DAY

The caravan trudges along. Carlos signals the group to stop.

IRMA: Why are we stopping?

CARLOS: I won’t be long.

Carlos takes a couple of the men aside to talk. When Irma tries to listen in, he moves them further away.

SYLVIA: At this rate, it will take us days.

Irma watches the three men talk. They keep looking up at the sky. Irma looks around to see what they might be looking at but doesn’t see anything. The three men break from their discussion.

CARLOS: I’m going on ahead. I’ll be back shortly.

IRMA: Carlos, what’s going on.

CARLOS: I’m going to need you to trust me.

IRMA: It’s a bit hard to trust you if you keep things from us.

CARLOS: I’ll be back soon.

As the group rests, there’s a bit of murmuring amongst some of the crowd.

MIGRANT: There it is?

Someone points to the sky. At first Irma doesn’t see it.

ANDRES: Mama. There.

He points and Irma follows her son’s gaze. She squints. It’s small and high up there. She sees it. A drone. It hovers over them.

MIGRANT#2: What is that?

MIGRANT#3: A drone.

MIGRANT#4: What’s it doing there?

MIGRANT#5: Is it following us?

The group begins to show worry. Carlos’s men try to calm the group down. Carlos returns and is immediately rushed by the group. Realizing that the cat was now out of the bag, he speaks.

CARLOS: We are being watched.

MIGRANT#3: Who is watching us?

CARLOS: I don’t know.

IRMA: What does this mean?

CARLOS: I’m not sure. They’ve been following us for a while.

IRMA: They? There’s more than one?

CARLOS: By my count there’s four of them.

The crowd rabbles.

CARLOS: Let’s rest so we can talk about a plan.

IRMA: We have to keep moving, Carlos.

Carlos ignores her and moves past her.

CARLOS: Let’s build a fire and set up camp.

The crowd is uneasy. One of the families pushes forward.

CARLOS: Hey! I said: we stop.

MIGRANT#5: You said you counted four? Well they can’t follow all of us.

CARLOS: There could be more. And if you go on now, I’d bet one follows you too.

MIGRANT: You don’t know that. They could just be following the group. Not likely that they’ll brother catching a few birds when they can catch the entire flock.

This strikes a chord with the rest of the caravan. Other families begin to break away. Some go East. Some go West.

CARLOS: Hey! Hey!

They ignore him.

CARLOS: You’re not even going the right way.

MIGRANT#3: We go North, right? We are just trying to get as far away from his area as possible. Then we will head to borderline.

Irma watches as the group begins to break from the seams.

IRMA: Carlos what do we do?

Carlos doesn’t hear her as he tries to gather the group back together. Antonio tugs at his mother’s sleeve.

ANTONIO: Let’s go.

Irma is completely lost in all this.

ANTONIO: Mama.

IRMA: I don’t want to leave the group.

ANTONIO: Mom, the group is leaving us.

Sure enough, most parties split and are moving in different directions. Only a scant few stay behind with Carlos. Irma approaches him.

IRMA: Carlos. What do you think we should do?

CARLOS: I don’t know.

This was not the answer she expected nor wanted. With a huff, she grabs her boys and continues the trek. Andres pulls back.

ANDRES: But mama. Do we know where we are going?

IRMA: You heard them. North. Let’s go.

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO – DAY

Pete eating microwave mac n’ cheese when he notices the actions of the caravan.

PETE: We’ve been spotted.

Frank peers back from his desk.

FRANK: What’s happening.

PETE: They’re splitting up.

FRANK: Send more buzzards. Make sure to stay on the largest groups.

PETE: Might be hard to find the others by the time they get there.

FRANK: Doesn’t matter. Chances are we’ll find most of them.

PETE: OK.

Frank suddenly remembers…

FRANK: Wait. Stay on that one.

He points at the screen. Irma and her sons are about to walk out of view. Pete follows them.

PETE: But there are only three of them.

FRANK: Just stay on them.

Pete is confused by Frank’s request.

PETE: Her odds are low. Only few bettors on this one.

FRANK: Just… stay on them.

Pete shrugs. He zooms out the camera view. Types something on the computer. Back to work.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Suspense

What I learned: I definitely could make this more suspenseful. Deadlines, time crunches help. But I think I could do more. I’ll have to keep thinking. Catching the bus and having Sapo’s men go after Irma is a bit too easy but it is a start.

1. Promise an event…

B. A threat

2. …that matters…

It has to do with:

E. Something valuable at stake

3. …and delay the delivery.

H. Barriers and complications arise.

The Promise: If they are caught trying to cross the border, they have to work for the men who killed her husband.

What matters: The lives and well-being of her children.

The delay: Gangsters are after them and a fleet of drones follows their every move, all but ensuring their capture.

IRMA: We need to go.

ANDRES: I’m tired.

IRMA: You can sleep on the bus.

ANTONIO: The bus? We’re leaving today?

IRMA: Right now.

ANTONIO: What about dad?

IRMA: He’ll have to meet us there.

ANDRES: Where?

IRMA: Texas.

ANDRES: Texas!

IRMA: Shh.

ANTONIO: We haven’t packed.

IRMA: Grab what you can.

As the three of them scramble silently. Elena is at the open doorway.

ELENA: What are you doing? You can stay longer if you need to.

IRMA: Keep packing. Antonio, fill up some water bottles.

Irma takes Elena to the bedroom.

ELENA: What’s wrong.

IRMA: Sapo was here.

ELENA: When?

IRMA: A couple of hours ago.

ELENA: Let me guess. He offered you a job at the casino?

IRMA: It wasn’t exactly an offer. He told me to be there at 8am.

ELENA: Well why not just take the job?

IRMA: Elena…No.

Elena doesn’t argue.

IRMA: Sapo said that you would take me there in the morning.

ELENA: Irma-

IRMA: Why didn’t you tell me?

ELENA: I didn’t have much of a choice, Irma. I needed the money and there are benefits working for them

Beat.

IRMA: Did you tell him that we were staying with you.

ELENA: Irma. He knew. He knows everything.

Irma shakes her head.

IRMA: Your cousin. In Salamayuca.

ELENA: Carlos? Are you serious?

IRMA: Let him know we’re coming. How do I find him?

ELENA: Irma-

IRMA: Elena! We don’t have a lot of time.

Beat.

ELENA: You’re taking the bus?

IRMA: Yes.

ELENA: He’ll meet you there. I’ll let him know.

IRMA: Thank you.

ELENA: What should I tell Sapo?

IRMA: Tell him that we went to Monterey. Ricardo has family there.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

The boys are packed and waiting. Irma grabs her things.

IRMA: We have to get there before the sun comes up.

ANTONIO: That’ll be soon.

ELENA: You can make it.

The two hug each other. Elena then hugs and kisses the boys. Elena opens the front door and check if the coast is clear.

IRMA: You have to be quiet. No talking until we get to the station.

Only Andres nods. Antonio is stone cold. Once Elenea thinks it’s safe enough, she signals them out and the three of them head out briskly.

Throughout the short excursion, the three of them run through light traffic as the pueblo is slow to start the day. Light begins to peak over the horizon, an orange hue over the dark sky. They arrive at the bus station with a short line of people. The same teller is at the ticket booth. She looks up at the departure times. SALAMAYUCA – 5:15AM. Irma checks the clock on the wall. 5:30am. The next departure is at 7:15am.

IRMA: Shit.

ANTONIO: Are we even allowed to use advanced tickets?

IRMA: We’ll get on the bus anyway.

ANTONIO: You think they won’t notice?

IRMA: Ask for forgiveness, not permission. Come on, let’s wait over here.

INT. CASINO – MORNING

Elena, clocks in for her shift. Fixing up her tight uniform and pulling down her short skirt.

SAPO (O.S): You look fine, my dear.

ELENA: I didn’t see you there. Thank you.

SAPO: Where’s Irma?

ELENA: She’s coming later. I’ll meet her at the start of her shift.

Sapo checks his watch.

SAPO: You’re early.

ELENA: Yeah I forgot I switched my shift.

Sapo nods.

SAPO: Still. I asked you to bring Irma with you.

ELENA: You told her 8am.

Sapo takes breath.

SAPO: If I were to send for her, would she be at your house?

ELENA: Probably.

SAPO: Probably?

ELENA: Yes. She was there when I left.

Sapo backhands. Elena catches her balance. When Sapo gets up in her face and she goes stiff.

SAPO: You have a very bad poker face.

Beat.

ELENA: I… I was going to tell you.

SAPO: Tell me what?

ELENA: She left. With her boys.

Sapo punches the wall next to Elena but his face is just as calm as when he entered.

SAPO: Where, Elena?

ELENA: Monterey.

Sapo stares at Elena.

SAPO: We’ll talk about this later.

Sapo pushes a button on his walkie talkie.

SAPO: Tomas

TOMAS: Yeah?

SAPO: Send a few men to the bus station. Irma is there with her boys.

TOMAS: Got it.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Anticipatory Dialogue

What I learned: I suppose I lean on dialogue too much to tell the story. But this really does help push the story forward in that readers/viewers will want to know the answer to the question you are suggesting in the scene. The example I wrote quickly will likely not be what I go with but I was easily able to convey potential consequence with a bit of warning and secrecy. It also forms more a of conflict between two characters.

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO – DAY

Pete is tapping, swiping and scrolling a tablet. His brow scrunched and he’s chewing on his lip. He side-eyes Frank. He taps his foot a few times and then heads towards him.

PETE: Frank. I sent out a dozen.

FRANK: Yeah?

PETE: The hub shows that eighteen in use.

FRANK: Are they not on the GPS?

PETE: No. They’re trackers are off.

FRANK: Under repair?

PETE: I checked myself.

FRANK: We lost two last month.

PETE: Those are accounted for.

Beat.

FRANK: I’d bet Sal and Bobby broke them down for spare parts and forgot to take them off the list.

PETE: I don’t think so.

FRANK: Well, what do you think then?

Beat.

PETE: Six would have been drop-off. Which is something we don’t do anymore.

Beat.

PETE: Right?

FRANK: Right.

Frank takes a drag of his vape pen.

PETE: Frank. If it turns out you are still working with Sapo-

FRANK: Oh come on, Pete.

PETE: If you are. Then I walk away right now, man.

FRANK: Stop it.

PETE: I’m serious. This thing we got going with the BP, it’s weird but… I’m not trying to get locked up.

FRANK: The BP ain’t shit.

PETE: They already have a couple of our buzzards. They’ve got the haul from that last drop off. They really do have us by the balls here, man.

FRANK: The BP is easily the weakest branch of authority there is, Pete. The whole reason they are making us do this is because they need us. They get no help from up top. So they have to make these “deals” to get by.

Beat.

PETE: Are you still making runs?

FRANK: No.

Beat.

Pete gives Frank an unconvincing nod. He turns and tosses the tablet on his desk. He sits and makes himself busy on his desktop. Frank watches him for an extra second and goes back to piloting.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Anticipation Scene

What I learned: It’s a good idea to drop the reader in the middle of something and leave the outcome open to multiple possibilities if not completely mysterious. The film I chose is Maverick and we are right at the beginning. Maverick, our hero, has a noose around his neck. The rope is tight to a tree branch and Maverick is sitting on a horse with his hands tied behind his back as three villains surround him. The main villain drops a burlap sack before they leave him. We don’t know who these men are. We don’t know what Maverick has done to get himself into the situation. And we don’t know what’s in the burlap sack. Let the pages turn…

FADE IN ON:

1 EXT. DESOLATE LANDSCAPE – HANGING TREE – DAY 1

Rocks. Cactus. The occasional tree.

Not a place you’d like to spend your summer vacation.

Now there are sounds: A WHIPPING WIND begins to get

LOUDER. And in the distance, but GROWING: THUNDER.

CAMERA STARTS TO MOVE —

SLOWLY, INEXORABLY, ACROSS this dead place —

— suddenly it STOPS.

We are in a Sergio Leone TIGHT CLOSEUP of just a hideous looking man. One eye looks straight ahead. The other

wanders.

CAMERA MOVES AGAIN.

The wind is really kicking up —

— suddenly, another STOP.

Another Leone CLOSEUP.

A second man. This guy makes the first one look

handsome. Both his eyes work, which is an improvement.

But his neck has been horribly burned as if from a noose.

CAMERA IS MOVING AGAIN.

LOUDER THUNDER. A storm is coming fast.

CAMERA STOPS.

We are LOOKING AT the least appetizing of the three. Not

that he’s scarred, not that all his parts aren’t in

proper working order — it’s just that he’s so damn

frightening.

Not to mention huge.

This is THE ANGEL and like the other two, he is seated on

a horse. And he is staring intently at something. FROM

The Angel — we go to…

BRET MAVERICK

for this is who the trio is looking at.

(CONTINUED)

2.

1 CONTINUED: 1

MAVERICK’s 30, give or take. Enormously appealing.

Whether that’s because of his considerable physical

skills or his sunny personality, who knows. It might

be his quiet wit.

In any case, we are looking at a handsome young man that

everybody likes —

— oops —

— make that almost everybody.

Because just now he is seated on a horse beneath a tree

and a thick hope has been tied around his neck, the rope

thrown over a branch. His hands have been tied behind

his back. We are about to watch a hanging. His.

THE ANGEL

(riding closer)

I almost got hung myself once,

didn’t much care for it, how about

you?

(as Maverick

says nothing)

We’re gonna leave now, but I’m

worried about your well-being.

Maverick just stares at him, makes no reply.

THE ANGEL

He gestures for the other two to ride, and they take

off.

THE ANGEL

See, I don’t think it’s a good

thing for a man to be alone out

here. Your mind can do cruel

things.

And now he takes a burlap sack, tosses it toward

Maverick. It lands nearby.

THE ANGEL

Enjoy the company.

He spurs his horse, rides away.

MAVERICK

managing to turn his head in the direction The Angel

took.

(CONTINUED)

3.

1 CONTINUED: (2) 1

THE ANGEL AND OTHER TWO

disappearing over a nearby hill.

2 EXT. SKY – DAY 2

The sky. Storm clouds convene.

3 EXT. HANGING TREE – DAY 3

Maverick. He takes a deep breath, tries to wriggle

free of the knotted rope around his neck.

No luck.

Make that bad luck.

The horse has been surprised by his movement, takes a

half step.

MAVERICK

Freezing.

HORSE

It relaxes, settles down.

4 EXT. SKY – DAY 4

The sky, and a THUNDERCLAP.

5 EXT. HANGING TREE – DAY 5

Maverick, staring at his horse. The noise was loud.

Either the horse is deaf or it likes thunder. Doesn’t

budge an inch.

Maverick starts to try and work his neck free again.

This time the horse doesn’t move at all.

Maverick sighs with relief, glances around.

BURLAP SACK

It is starting to wriggle.

(CONTINUED)

4.

5 CONTINUED: 5

MAVERICK

He holds his breath.

HORSE

It hasn’t spotted the sack yet.

SACK

Wriggling more. Pretty soon it’s going to be hard

not to spot it.

MAVERICK

caution to the winds now, trying desperately to

somehow get free of the noose —

— and miraculously, he’s starting to make a little

headway.

HORSE

Calm. Nothing flusters this animal.

MAVERICK

even more headway — he’s in pain but he ignores it.

6 EXT. SKY – DAY 6

The sky. More THUNDER.

7 EXT. HANGING TREE – DAY 7

The horse. Standing still.

8 EXT. SKY – DAY 8

The clouds are darker.

9 EXT. HANGING TREE – DAY 9

The horse. It could be a statue.

MAVERICK

one eye on the sack as he continues to work to free his

neck. Now —

SACK

as a rattlesnake peeks out.

(CONTINUED)

MAVERICK – Rev. 11/15/93 5.

9 CONTINUED: 9

MAVERICK

Jesus.

HORSE

Oblivious.

SACK

Half-a-dozen rattlers are moving out of the sack now.

Close by. Some of them are big, some of them are very

big. All of them have fangs.

MAVERICK

struggling harder than ever, and he’s actually making

more headway. It’s exhausting labor. As he continues

his fight for life —

MAVERICK (V.O.)

It had been just a shitty week for

me from the beginning.

Now, FROM that —

9A FLASHBACK – EXT. ROAD – LONG LENS – AFTERNOON 9A

A lone rider rides through dusty area up and down dips

in the road. It is Maverick. He rides a mule. Angel *

follows and then Coop follows….

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Create a Future

What I learned: I already knew the rule of “what happens next” but the challenge is to write a future in every page. This film is meant to me a thriller so it has to start right at the beginning and I have to make it last all the way to the end. What did I learn? Well, that it will be difficult to hold that carrot in front of the reader without dropping it once or twice. This is something I have to get good at.

EXT. DESERT – NIGHT

Dead of night, the rocks and cacti are as still as the moon overhead. Some whispers and gravelly footsteps break the silence as a gaunt, Mexican man leads a group of what might be his family with nothing but a small LED flashlight to guide them. The man stops in his tracks and shushes his party. BUZZ. He scans left and right, looking for the source of the sound. Frightened, he hurries the group ahead of him, women and children mostly. As they go on ahead. The man looks back with his flashlight but still can’t find where the sound is coming from.

EXT. EL RIO GRANDE – NIGHT

The closer the group gets to the river, the trickle of water begins to drown out the buzzing noise. At the river, another man waits with an inflatable raft. The family carefully boards and push off. Without a paddle, several of them use their hands to wade their way across.

EXT. EL RIO GRANDE – NIGHT

We see a birds eye view of the group in night vision. Their eyes glow brightly as they desperately make their way to the other side of the river.

The man jumps out of the boat when the water is shallow enough and drags it to shore. They head towards the massive fence. All the while, the night vision camera from above follows them as they walk along the fencing.

EXT. TEXAS BORDER – NIGHT

They eventually reach an opening and, with urgency, the gaunt man shepherds the group across. They pick up speed when suddenly a spotlight from an SUV blinds them. The side of the car reads: U.S. BORDER PATROL.

OFFICER(in Spanish): Stop! Don’t move!

The group scatters. Women holding their infants. Men dragging their wives. All for naught as the surrounded by men in green uniforms. The gaunt man hears the BUZZ again. He looks up to see several drones hovering over them.

INT. US BORDER PATRO, EL PASO SECTOR – NIGHT

Chief Patrol Agent Thompson, a tree stump of a man, stares at the monitor displaying the apprehension of the illegal immigrants in night vision. The gaunt man on screen stares back before he is then collected by the officers. He is accompanied by a few other agents of varying ranks though he is clearly the one in charge. All are standing aside from one man who sits on an old office chair. FRANK KAZAKOWSKI(50), a rough looking man with a clean crew cut, sits rigidly with a look of indifference. He is no agent. His left hand is handcuffed to the arm of the chair.

THOMPSON: So how long do the batteries last on those birds?

Frank clenches his jaw.

THOMPSON: I asked you a question, Frank.

FRANK: I did what you asked. What is it that you want?

Thompson is unimpressed.

THOMPSON: This was just a trial run. But I’d say it went well. Which is good, for your sake.

Frank leans back on his chair, ready to listen.

THOMPSON: You’re gonna help us. You’ll be my eyes in the sky.

Frank smirks.

FRANK: I highly doubt you’ll get the approval.

THOMPSON: Who says I’m requesting approval?

Frank chuckles.

FRANK: Won’t the DEA be expecting you to hand me over?

Thompson shakes his head.

THOMPSON: They don’t know you’re here. They have no idea about your elaborate operation drug smuggling drones.

Frank’s smile disappears. Thompson closes in.

THOMPSON: Here’s the deal: Your team is done transporting goods. From now on, you work for me. And you’re going to help me catch illegals.

FRANK: Like hell I will. I don’t work for no one.

THOMPSON: It’s that or you and friends go straight to prison. We know where your men are. Just one phone call and this deal goes up in smoke.

Frank shakes his head. Thompson gets in closer.

THOMPSON: How long you think you would last in County Detention, Frank. Sapo’s got some connections there. They found out you’ve been pinched, they’re going to want to make sure you keep your mouth shut. Permanently.

Beat.

FRANK: So what, you’re going to put me on the payroll?

Thompson squints.

FRANK: We’re going to need some… “government funding”, if you will. Like you said, it’s an elaborate operation. My birds don’t fly for free.

Thompson turns to look at his men. He laughs heartily. The other agents echo his laughter.

THOMPSON: This is a simple offer, Frank. The only exchange we’re going to make is you telling me when the wetbacks reach the wall and where we can find them. Other than that, I’ll pretend you don’t exist.

FRANK: That ain’t fair. That’s a shit ton of man hours for nothin’.

THOMPSON: You’re a smart man, Frank. I’m sure you’ll find other ways to make an income. But it ain’t gonna be with Sapo. Cuz if I find out you bring even an ounce into Texas, I’ll bury you my fuckin’ self.

Thompson takes Frank’s silence for compliance. He unlocks the handcuffs and hands Frank an outdated smartphone.

THOMPSON: I’ll be in contact. And you’d better answer. Now get the fuck out of my sight.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Misleads and Reveals

What I learned: I already had this little mislead planned out in the story. I wasn’t sure how or when to reveal. This felt like good practice. I wonder how I could do this a few more times with the other characters though. It’s got my gears turning now.

EXT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – DAY

Pete and Clayton, dressed as cable providers, arrive at Miguels doorstep. They knock. No answer. Pete signals to Clayton to walk around the back. In the backyard, Clayton spots an open window and easily pops off the screen.

INT. MIGUEL’S KITCHEN – DAY

Upon entering, he pulls out a pistol and slowly surveys the kitchen. Some dirty dishes, the TV is still on. He stealthily goes into the next room.

EXT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – DAY

Pete pretends to be jotting something down on a clipboard as he waits for his colleague, all the while keeping watch. The front door opens. Clayton stays behind the door as he signals Pete to enter.

INT. MIGUEL’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

Pete does a panorama.

CLAYTON: They left in a hurry. All their appliances are still on.

PETE: You think they knew we were were coming?

Pete checks their mail.

PETE: Miguel Dominguez. And… Lucia Dominguez.

Clayton grabs a framed photo of the mother and son. They take one look at eachother and immediately begin opening drawers and cabinets.

INT. MIGUEL’S BEDROOM – DAY

Pete enters Miguel’s bedroom. The computer is still humming. Tinny voices could be heard through the headphones. There’s a live gaming stream on the screen. Pete immediately begins to empty out his drawers. Clayton enters shortly after.

CLAYTON: Aside from medical bills, they don’t seem to have a lot of contacts.

Pete inspects all the half-finished gadgets and doo-dads around the room.

PETE: Not bad. For just using low-budget equipment, the kid seems to be pretty savvy.

CLAYTON: Yeah, well. He stuck his nose where he shouldn’t have.

PETE: Too bad we have to snuff him. Might have been useful to us.

CLAYTON: Anything in here that could tell us where they might be?

PETE: He left his computer on. No security password.

CLAYTON: Dumb spick was too hasty.

Pete sits at Miguels desktop PC. He opens the browser and checks the history for any recent emails. An adolescent’s voice can be heard from the headphones.

GAMER#1: Who the hell is that guy?

GAMER#2: No idea. But he’s using Miguel’s computer.

Peter’s expression turns cold. He puts on the headphones.

GAMER#3: Are those guys carrying guns?

GAMER#4: Dude, I think these guys broke into Miguel’s house.

PETE: Shit.

CLAYTON: What?

Pete reopens the game stream. There’s a red dot on the bottom of the screen: RECORDING. He glances up to see the webcam light is also on.

PETE: Shit.

He unplugs the powerstrip for all the appliances.

CLAYTON: What?

PETE: We gotta go. We can call the hospital to see if they’ve listed an emergency contact or something.

CLAYTON: What just happened?

PETE: It’s nothing. I hope.

INT. MIGUEL’S CAR – DAY

Miguel sits in his car with his mother in the passenger seat. They are parked at a drive-in movie lot. She is entranced by the blank screen as if waiting for the film to start. Miguel looks at his laptop. Right when Pete unplugs his computer, he downloads the recording and saves it to his cloud account.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Crucible

What I learned: This is challenging because my three main characters never actually meet face to face. So… the best I can come up with is Irma having no choice but to tell her sons that their father is dead. Technically, Irma and Antonio are opposing characters. One of them has to consider turning back in order for there to be some sort of crucible. If they go back, they are then forced to work for the casino or worse. If they get caught by the border patrol, same outcome.

The family takes shelter in an abandoned home. They sit around a small fire made from old furniture as firewood. Irma hands the last sip of water to Andres as he munches on the last piece of bread.

ANTONIO: I want to go home.

ANDRE: Me too.

Irma says nothing.

ANTONIO: Maybe dad is looking for us.

Irma remains silent.

ANTONIO: Mom-

IRMA: We can’t go back.

ANTONIO: Why not? Dad-

IRMA: Enough!

Antonio stands and heads for the door.

IRMA: Antonio. Don’t!

ANTONIO: If we get caught we will just be sent back. They’ll probably have some food and water for us at the detention center.

Antonio has his hand on the knob.

IRMA: If we go back, I’m as good as dead.

Antonio pauses.

ANTONIO: What?

Irma stands as she looks at her two young sons.

ANTONIO: What are you talking about?

IRMA: Antonio. There’s no easy way to say this. But… Your father was killed.

Andres is frozen. Antonio turns to face his mother.

ANTONIO: What?

IRMA: Your father got in trouble with some really bad people. They meant to only hurt him. They went too far.

ANTONIO: Dad is… Dead?

Andres begins to cry. Irma holds him.

IRMA: I’m so sorry, baby.

ANTONIO: Why didn’t you tell us?

Irma doesn’t answer.

ANTONIO: Wait. Those men at the station… They wanted to… kill us?

IRMA: No. They want to recruit you. They want to turn you into one of them. But now… Now that we ran away… I’m not sure what they’ll do to us if we go back.

Antonio’s mouth is agape. He slowly looks to the floor.

ANTONIO: Mom. What the hell!?

He paces and eventually slumps to the floor against the wall on the other side of the room.

IRMA: We have to make it across.

Andres is sobbing now.

ANTONIO: You bitch.

IRMA: Antonio!

ANTONIO: Why didn’t you tell us?

IRMA: How does a mother tell her children that we are running for our lives?

Antonio is fuming.

IRMA: We can do this.

ANTONIO: Well we don’t have a choice, do we?

Beat.

IRMA: No. We don’t.

ANDRES: Mama. I don’t want to die.

Irma closes her eyes and fights back tears.

IRMA: I’m not going to let anything happen to you, baby.

She looks to Antonio for help.

IRMA: We have to work together, we can do this.

There’s a long moment of silence.

ANTONIO: We need to rest. We have a better chance at avoiding the drones if early in the day. While they recharge their batteries.

Antonio stands and walks towards his family.

ANTONIO: Andres. I’m going to need your help.

ANDRES: But-

ANTONIO: Do you think you can make some weapons for us? A hammer or a mace? Something to swing.

Andres stops crying.

ANDRES: We’ll need rocks. And something to tie them.

ANTONIO: We’ll have to use what we have.

Antonio grabs a cinder block and throws it against the wall. It startles his mother and his brother. He takes off his shoes and socks. He then hands Andres his walking stick, a chunk of broken cinder block and one of his stocks.

ANTONIO: You think you can make something with this?

ANDRES: Maybe. What are we going to do?

ANTONIO: Just trust me. Let’s get some sleep. But tomorrow morning, you’ll start making me something I can use to bash these drones.

Beat.

ANDRES: Your socks stink.

ANTONIO: Shut up.

IRMA: Antonio. Don’t-

Antonio gives her a cold, indifferent stare. She nods.

IRMA: Your brother is right. Let’s get some rest.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Amazing Settings

What I learned: I just realized how little I think about setting. A small change can immediately improve a scene. I wouldn’t rate my changes any higher than a 5 but I do think this already helped quite a bit.

BEFORE:

Essence of the scene: Sapo offers “help” to Irma and her family after his crew accidentally murders Ricardo, her husband. Sapo attempts to intimidate her when he declines the offer.

Setting: Outside Elena’s house, midnight.

AFTER:

New Setting: Sapo’s luxury SUV OR Sapo’s office at the casino.

How has this improved the scene: By revealing Sapo’s amenities, it puts him at a position of power. Showing the disparity of his and Irma’s lifestyle shows how down-and-out she truly is.

BEFORE:

Essence of the scene: Irma and her two sons must hide from drones that pursue them.

Setting: Chihuahua Desert

AFTER:

New Setting: Ghost town in Guadalupe, Chihuahua. Near the border.

How has this improved the scene: Easier for the protagonists to hide. Abandoned homes and cracked roads; an old, decaying town with no running power would make chase scenes much more dramatic.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Setup and Payoffs

What I learned: I always attributed setup/payoffs to major aspects to a story. Something introduced early on to bring back much later in the film. Like the way Kevin uses his brother’s tarantula to ward off one of the Wet Bandits in Home Alone. I never really thought using it in a scene. To be honest, my exercise isn’t very good and I probably won’t use it in my script, but this feels like good practice.

INT. A CHILD’S BEDROOM – DAY

Irma glues the last piece of small piggy bank together and fans it dry with a comic book laying nearby. She tidies up a room full of toys and crafts.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Irma sprays and wipes surfaces around the house as an old tube television plays reruns of Jeopardy in the living room. The contestant solves the puzzle with the answer: “YOU’RE WAY AHEAD OF THE GAME”

ANTONIO and ANDRES come home from a day at school.

IRMA: You boys hungry?

ANTONIO: Always.

Irma smiles.

IRMA: Why do I even ask?

INT. ANTONIO’S BEDROOM – DAY

Antonio sees his piggy bank set on old newspaper as the glue continues to dry. Irma follows him in.

IRMA: I had to borrow money to buy milk.

ANTONIO: No you didn’t.

IRMA: I did and I’ll pay you back.

ANTONIO: No you won’t.

Beat.

ANTONIO: Might as well throw it away. Dad will just break it again.

Andres walks in with more junk and starts tinkering.

IRMA: Homework first, Andres. Then you can build… whatever it is you want to build.

Andres puts the items in an old milk crate which is already filled with other random items. He opens his bookbag and pulls out his homework.

IRMA: Let me know if you need any help with your assignments.

Antonio looks at his mother with one eyebrow up. She shrugs.

IRMA: Who am I kidding?

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Irma places a pot on the stove. She measures two cups of water and pours it in a pot and lights the stove.

ANTONIO: You think he’ll come home tonight?

IRMA: I doubt it.

ANTONIO: It’s been days now.

IRMA: I hear that you can lose track of time at a casino.

Beat.

ANTONIO: What’s for dinner?

IRMA: There isn’t much. Eggs and rice.

Antonio rolls his eyes in dread.

ANTONIO: Again?

IRMA: Don’t start.

ANTONIO: Can’t we just drag dad out of the casino and tell him to get a job?

IRMA: I truly wish it was that easy.

ANTONIO: Can I get a job?

IRMA: You’re only 14, Tony. Finish school and then you can get a job.

ANTONIO: I’m so sick of this.

IRMA: You’re sick of this? How do you think-

She stops herself.

IRMA: I have an idea. How about you cook tonight.

Antonio scoffs.

ANTONIO: Only if you pay me. I don’t work for free.

Irma gives Antonio a cold, dead stare.

IRMA: I provide for both of you. How about you contribute a bit in exchange. You want help out or not.

ANTONIO: I’ve got homework.

IRMA: Well then go do it and stop pestering me about money.

Antonio stands there for a moment. He walks towards the pot of water, now boiling. He measures a cup of rice and pours it in the hot water. He brings the flame down to a simmer. He adds a bit of salt. Finally, he sets the timer on the counter for 20 minutes.

ANTONIO: I’ve seen you do it a thousand times… Just this past week at least.

Irma gives a slow, defeated sigh and nods.

IRMA: (in English) You’re way ahead of the game.

ANTONIO: What?

Beat.

IRMA: You’re growing up too fast my son.

Beat.

IRMA: I’ll let you know when dinner is ready.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Twists

What I learned: Keep em’ guessing.

Irma stares at the advanced paycheck. She turns it and signs her signature on the back. She folds and puts it back in her purse.

IRMA: Kids.

Antonio and Andres enter the room.

IRMA: We’re going to see your father.

The sons look at each other.

ANTONIO: Now?

IRMA: Don’t make me repeat myself. Let’s go.

EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT

Irma is a tiny freight train with two boys in tow.

INT. BUS STATION – NIGHT

Irma and the boys enter. There’s a short line to the front desk.

ANTONIO: Are we going somewhere?

IRMA: Texas?

ANDRES: Texas!? We’re going to the United States?

ANTONIO: What? Now?

IRMA: No.

ANTONIO: When?

IRMA: Whichever day is cheapest.

ANTONIO: I thought we were going see papa?

IRMA: Right after we do this.

They approach the cashier, pudgy middle-aged man. Irma rummages through her purse for the check.

ANDRES: Four tickets to Texas please!

The cashier smiles.

CASHIER: Where in Texas? I’ll need to know which city.

ANDRES: Which city, mama?

She is still searching.

IRMA: El Paso.

CASHIER: What day would you like to travel?

IRMA: I need something as soon as possible but as cheap as possible.

The cashier types on his computer.

CASHIER: It’s always less expensive if you buy at least a couple weeks in advance. You can save a bit more money if you want to leave in a month.

IRMA: How much is a ticket in two weeks?

CASHIER: 524.60 pesos.

IRMA: And children?

CASHIER: 419.55 pesos.

Irma finally finds the check.

IRMA: That should leave us with a little extra. Ok. Let’s go with that.

CASHIER: One adult and two children?

IRMA: Yes, please.

ANDRES: And what about papa?

IRMA: He can meet us there if he wants to.

Beat.

ANDRES: We should tell him where we are going. El Paso.

IRMA: We are on our way right now to tell him, hijo.

ANTONIO: Mama. Are we-

IRMA: We’ll talk about it later. Right now I have to pay the man.

Irma hands him the signed check.

IRMA: Would you be able to give me the difference in cash?

CASHIER: We don’t typically-

IRMA: Please.

Cashier can see the angst on her face. He nods and takes the check. After opening the register and counting some bills and coins he hands her three tickets and cash.

IRMA: Can you break these?

CASHIER: We only have big bills. I’m sorry.

IRMA: No, that’s alright. Thank you.

EXT. CASINO PARKING LOT – NIGHT

The boys are limp with exhaustion as Irma drags them along. Upon approaching the casino entrance, security blocks her path.

DOORMAN #1: No kids.

IRMA: We aren’t here to gamble.

DOORMAN #1: Doesn’t matter. No kids.

IRMA: Well, then you are going to have to watch them. I have to find my husband.

The doorman begins to shake his head.

GORDO (O.S.): He’s not here.

Irma turns to see Gordo, an extremely large man with a babyface.

IRMA: Don’t cover for him, Gordo. You all have taken enough from him already.

GORDO: Irma. He’s not here.

IRMA: Well then tell me where he is.

INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Irma stands over Ricardo wrapped up like a mummy, his neck in a brace. All limbs in casts and levitated. Tubes in his throat and nose.

DOCTOR: The police have already filed a report. No witnesses though it does look like it was a group of them.

IRMA: I know who did this.

DOCTOR: Well then you should say something to the police.

IRMA: It wouldn’t do any good.

She turns to him.

IRMA: Can we be alone?

The doctor nods and leaves the room. Irma glares at her husband with zero sympathy.

IRMA: I came to tell you: The boys and I are leaving you.

The Ricardo lies there as still as the IV stand.

IRMA: And you can forget about me covering your medical bill.

She turns and walks out.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Dramatic Irony

What I learned: It’s actually kind of fun to make every character try to hide something from another. Even if it’s allies. It makes it so much easier to write. Always having the motivation of keeping a secret creates easier dialogue. Questions and lies. Frank is still secretly smuggling in drugs unbeknownst to his production team. Irma still hasn’t told the children that A.) their father is dead and B.) they are running for their lives. Now I have to think of Miguel fits into all this.

INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

Franks phone rings. He turns away from his production team upon answering. Sapo’s name shows up on the screen. He walks towards the door. Steven looks at him inquisitively as Frank exits.

EXT. STUDIO LOT – DAY

FRANK: What’s up?

SAPO: I have a favor to ask.

FRANK: It’s too late to change the routes.

SAPO: Not that. We’re all set. I have some information on a coyote.

FRANK: Since when are you giving me leads on illegals?

SAPO: In truth, I’m not really looking for him but one of his passengers.

FRANK: One of yours trying to fly the coop?

SAPO: Not if you can help bring her back.

FRANK: Her? You have to treat your girlfriends better. Whatcha got?

SAPO: They should be coming from Samalayuca. Probably headed for Fort Hancock. I can send a face and a name.

FRANK: And the passenger?

SAPO: Same. She’s got two young boys with her too.

FRANK: Ok. Send it over. I’ll let you know if and when I find her.

Frank hangs up. There was a missed text from KATHY: “Got my shift covered. I’ll grab the kids from soccer practice.” Frank texts something back and heads back inside.

INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

As Frank enters, Steven eyes him across the room. Frank sits back in his station and taps on the keyboard of his desktop. Steven rolls his chair over to him.

STEVEN: Everything alright?

FRANK: Just the Mrs.

STEVEN: Since when do you take her calls in private?

FRANK: Since when you give a shit?

STEVEN: Just seemed like an important call, is all.

FRANK: Maybe it was. Which would be none of your business.

STEVEN: No, I mean… Though maybe it was a call from BP.

FRANK: The less communication we keep with them, the better. They’d only reach out if we don’t keep up.

STEVEN: That was my concern.

Frank turns to Steven.

FRANK: Not a single wetback as made across on our watch. Not since we shifted our model.

STEVEN: Yeah I know.

FRANK: So what exactly is your concern?

STEVEN: We’re kind of under their thumb, Frank. If they give us some unrealistic expectations-

FRANK: We can only do so much. And they know that.

STEVEN: And what if they ask us to flip on our old friends?

FRANK: Why would they do that? They aren’t the DEA.

STEVEN: They may want some credit. Some leverage for more funding.

FRANK: Jesus, Steven. Would you stop?

STEVEN: They obviously know about our old connections.

FRANK: And we told them that we wouldn’t give them that info.

Beat.

STEVEN: You aren’t still keeping in touch with any of them, are you?

FRANK (irritated): No. We’ve cut all communication.

Beat.

FRANK: OK?

Beat.

STEVEN: OK.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Conflict

What I learned: I use dialogue too much for conflict as well as tension. And I know I could have picked a better scene to use action to convey tension. But I didn’t. I’m still in the early stages of this story. So I simply put the protagonist and antagonist face to face. The first threat against her children. I will say that my story chalk full of conflict. I just need to find a way to add a bit more tension.

INT. ELENA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Someone knocks at the door. Irma and her sons are asleep in the living room. The knock becomes louder and startels Irma. Elena steps out of her bedroom but Irma puts a hand up to stop her. Irma slowly approaches the window to see who it is. She quickly pulls back, takes a deep breath and slowly opens the door.

IRMA: What do you want?

SAPO: I wanted to check in on you.

IRMA: Since when do you care about me?

SAPO: I heard about your husband.

IRMA (sarcastic): Oh… you heard.

Beat.

SAPO: I thought we could help each other out.

IRMA: You’ve got some nerve, Sapo. Help me?

SAPO: Without a husband, you’ll need to find a way to provide for your boys.

IRMA: Psh. As if Ricardo ever provided for us. We’ll be fine. Thank you.

SAPO: I came to offer you a job.

IRMA: I have a job.

SAPO: A better one.

IRMA: This must be some sick joke. Do you feel guilty for killing my husband?

SAPO: I was not the only person Ricardo owed money too.

IRMA: Yeah, well tell them to get in line.

Beat.

SAPO: There is still an outstanding debt in your husband’s name at the casino.

IRMA: And you really think I’m going to pay it?

SAPO: You could. If you take the job I’m offering.

IRMA: Sapo. I wouldn’t work for you if the Lord Himself commanded me to do so. Let alone step into your filthy shack you call a casino.

SAPO: “The Lord Himself” heh? Maybe I can schedule meeting for you.

Irma is take aback.

SAPO: The debt is in your husband’s name. Someone has to pay it back. It will either be you. Or… maybe I take your boys under my wing. Show them the ropes. They’re going to need a father figure in their-

Irma Slaps Sapo. Hard. He is unfazed. She swings again but he catches her wrist.

SAPO: The debt will be paid one way or another. You know how persistent I can be.

IRMA: If you even speak to my boys, I’ll-

Sapo drags Irma out of the doorway and into the dark alley.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

SAPO: You are coming in for work tomorrow. I’ve already spoken to your supervisor at the factory. It’s all settled.

IRMA (defiantly): Never.

SAPO: Oh, you will. I spoke with Antonio’s teacher. Maribel I think is her name. She’ll be walking the kids to school. I also spoke with Padre Miguel. You’ll be working on Sundays.

Irma is speechless.

SAPO: Don’t worry, I’ll make sure the boys make it to mass. I’ll go with them myself. I will make sure they grow up to be good men.

Irma finally yanks her arm away from his grip and backs away. She has no ammo to fire at him.

SAPO: Tomorrow. 8am. At the Casino. Just come with Elena. She has a shift anyway.

IRMA: Elena?

SAPO: Oh you didn’t know? She works for me too. Maybe she can brush you up on what you need to know.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano Dramatic Choices

What I learned: I scrolled through Amazon prime for a movie I’d already watched before. And then I bounced between a few. I finally landed on (500) Days of Summer. I wondered how a break-up movie could be dramatic. I decided to jump ahead 15 minutes, after the narrator explained that this wouldn’t be a love story. After we already find out how the protagonist gets his heart broken. At almost exactly 15 minutes, Tom tells his friends that pursuing Summer was a lost cause. From there, the film continues to jump back and forth in the timeline of the 500 days so that we see how Tom and Summer are at the extremes of their romantic relationship. All the ups, downs and everything in between. All out of order. Which is a great way to never make it boring. The story is not about how Tom falls in love. It is about how he learns to get over it. And even the little subtleties are immensely dramatic. So I learned a terrific way of adding drama to every scene in a romcom: Awkwardness. Real, simple, relatable awkwardness.

(Day 22) While his friends compete against each other in Pac Man, Tom tells them that he has no chance with Summer because she was clearly sleeping with someone else. He deduces this simply based on how she answered his question: “How was your weekend?” His friends ridicule him for his assumption.

Summer is headed to the supply room and asks if Tom needs anything and he responds awkwardly with: “I think you know what I need.” Embarrassing himself in front of his colleagues.

Knowing that Summer likes The Smiths, he plays a track on his computer to desperately try to capture her attention.

(Day 27) Tom’s workmate, McKenzie informs Tom that the upcoming Friday was a karaoke night. Tom refuses but McKenzie emphasizes the fact that the entire office is going which means that Summer would also be attending.

(Day 28) Tom arrives at the Karaoke bar. McKenzie is already drunk and singing. Summer is up next on stage and takes a shot when her name is called. Both barely gets a word in to greet her.

Summer gets on stage and adjusts the microphone. She sings Sugartown by Nancy Sinatra and she is actually pretty good at singing. Tom is smitten.

The three workmates are now drinking in a booth. McKenzie asks Summer if she has a boyfriend. She claims to not want one and does not want a relationship. Tom and Summer debate on whether or not love is real. They agree to disagree.

Summer nominates Tom to sing the next song. He sings a Pixies song and he impresses summer.

McKenzie gets too drunk and while Tom and Summer help him into his cab, he divulges to Summer and Tom has a crush on her. Summer asks if it’s true and Tom lies and tells her just as friends.

(Day 31) Summer and Tom are in the copy room and Summer suddenly kisses Tom. It turns into a passionate kiss and just as suddenly Summer runs off.

At Tom’s apartment, his best friend, Paul, shows up to get the juicy details and ask a series of vulgar questions as well as stating that Tom practically has been stalking Summer, only to find out that they only kissed and also that she was in the other room. She heard everything.

(Day 282) Fast forward to Tom and Summer towards the end of their relationship at Ikea. Tom role plays as a husband complaining to his wife that the display sinks aren’t working. She doesn’t find it amusing.

(Day 34) On Tom and Summer’s first date, they roaming Ikea role playing as husband and wife living in fully furnished display settings. They run and play, drawing attention to themselves as shoppers look at them as if they are ridiculous. It’s in a Ikea bed that Summer tells Tom that she isn’t looking for anything serious. He says he understands. That evening they make love for the first time.

(Day 35) The next day, Tom leaves his apartment with a smile from ear to ear and breaks into a broadway-style choreographed dance with strangers to a song by Hall and Oates.

(Day 303) Tom walks into the office looking like crap. Tom looks over at Summers’ old desk and she has been replaced by a new employee. McKenzie asks if won her back yet and immediately regrets his joke once he sees the despair on Tom’s face. Tom perks up when he sees an email from Summer but it states that she still just wants to be friends.

(Day 45) We jump back to the early days of their relationship of them bonding over the Nightrider theme song at work. Acting like fools without a care.

(Day 87) Tom and Summer disagree on Ringo being the best Beatle. Summer then takes Tom into the adult film section of a video rental store which embarrasses some of the customers. They rent a shower themed porno and attempt to try out some of the moves they see in the video. But they fail miserably and laugh it off.

(Day 95) Tom and Summer walk around downtown Los Angeles. Tom opens up to summer about his true passion: Architecture. He shows her his favorite buildings and takes her to his favorite spot in the city with a view of a few historical landmarks. He then draws a picture of his idea city skyline on Summers forearm.

(Day 109) Summer takes Tom back to her apartment for the first time. It is here that the narrator returns to tell the audience that Tom had made it past most of Summers past lovers. She opens up to him now, telling him dreams and stories that she had never told anyone before. “These were stories one had to earn…”

We find ourselves back the cafe where the three young friends are playing Pac Man. When his buddies question him about his relationship with Summer, Tom acts nonchalant and they mock him for it. He calls them out on their lack of relationship experience, upsetting McKenzie. Tom even takes a bit of McKenzies pastry to rub it in.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Character Chemistry

What I learned doing this assignment: This will be a challenge since the three main characters never actually meet. So, I will need to use the chemistry of other side characters to convey each of the main character’s personalities.

Protagonist – Irma

Deuteragonist – Miguel

Antagonist – Frank

Supporting Character 1 – Antonio

Supporting Character 2 – Elena

Connecting Character – Sapo

Irma/Antonio

Irma/Elena

Irma/Sapo (connecting them and the antagonist)

Frank/Sapo (connecting them and the protagonist)

Frank/Miguel

Irma/Antonio

A. Common ground / similarities.

Both love to play cards games and board games

Both can be defiant and argumentative

Both are protective of Andres, Irma’s youngest son and Antonio’s little brother.

B. Differences that create conflict.

Irma wants to leave. Antonio wants to stay.

Irma is religious. Antonio does not care about the church.

Even though both care for Andres, Antonio picks on him while Irma coddles him.

Antonio wants more responsibility and more freedom, Irma keeps him on a short leash.

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas

Irma is trying to get the family across the border while Antonio is trying to sabotage their escape.

D. Need fulfillment

Eventually, once Irma explains the danger that they are in, Antonio and Irma work together to take out the drones following them.

At the end, they both agree that Antonio will be the one to take care of his little brother, Andres.

Irma/Sapo

A. Common ground / similarities.

Both dislike Ricardo, Irma’s husband.

B. Differences that create conflict.

Ricardo owes the casino money so Sapo and his crew rob Irma’s house. Sapo is trying to recruit Irma’s sons to pay off her husband’s debt. This forces Irma to take her sons away and escape to the US.

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas

Irma is attempting to escape to the US, Sapo and his crew chase after her.

D. Need fulfillment

Irma outwits Sapo to escape and head to the border but Sapo has a connection in Texas that has the power to stop her and send her back.

Frank/Sapo

A. Common ground / similarities.

They worked together to smuggle drugs into the US. They both have expensive taste. Making money is a top priority.

B. Differences that create conflict.

Frank is fine with sneaking in drugs but he is not ok with sneaking in immigrants, something that Sapo has done in the past. Sapo thinks that Frank’s cut in the smuggling operation is way too high.

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas

Both need Irma to get caught by the border patrol. Frank could go to prison if he doesn’t hold his end of a deal he made with them. Sapo needs her to be deported back to her hometown to pay off her husbands debt. They both work together to accomplish this.

D. Need fulfillment

They fail at catching Irma. Frank’s operation is exposed and they forced to cut ties to each other. But the FBI now has their sights on Sapo just in case he attempts to smuggle drugs.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Character Arc

1. The Issue: Miguel is very much an introverted, homebody. Possibly a little agoraphobic. He spends all day taking care of his mother and competing in online gaming tournaments for income. He is terrified of losing his mother as caring for her is his only current purpose in life.

2. The Challenges: His mother is dying of Alzheimers and Miguel has no money to help her. So thinks up a way to use his gaming skills to cheat in an underground gambling ring. Building a drone for the operation, he never even has to leave his home.

Challenge: Having to take his mother to the hospital for a professional diagnosis of her mental deterioration. He is told by the doctors that she has Alzheimers.

Challenge: His mother has limited coverage due to the fact that they are undocumented immigrants. He has to come up with another way to make more money.

Challenge: He discovers a gameshow online where he can bet on immigrants crossing the border to win some prize money. He comes up with a scheme to cheat and decides to help a young mother of two boys.

Challenge: The ones running the game show discover his plan and find out where he lives which puts him and his mother in danger. This forces him to take his mother elsewhere and hide.

Challenge: The contestant that he was assisting is now in the lead. Realizing that simply helping her to win just so that he would win the prize money was wrong so he decides to help her even if it puts him and his mother at risk of getting caught.

3. The Transformation: He realizes the error in his ways taking part in a very twisted game and decides to help Irma make it across. Afterward, he turns himself in. And after all that, his mother eventually dies. To move on, he decides to help Irma’s sons by fostering them. The loss of their mothers is something they have in common and without a mother, they will need guidance and mentorship. Finding a new purpose in his life and personal growth is the overall arc I’d like for Miguel.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo’s Character’s Live!

A. How can I describe the character in an interesting way?

She has to come off as timid to other characters but clever and tough to the audience.

B. How can the character burst onto the scene?

I’d like to have Irma down on her luck from the very beginning. But I also want to show her resilience. I’m thinking that she is at the store about to pay for groceries but realizes that her wallet is empty. We would later find out that Ricardo had stolen the cash. But she doesn’t leave empty handed. She tells a white lie that it is to feed the members at a church function. She is one of the only people at her church.

C. What actions naturally fit this scene and the character?

She is providing for her family. Constantly. And she is a devout Catholic.

D. What would a character with these traits say in this scene?

Bible passages about generosity. Phrases like: “God willing.” Or “Thanks be to God.” But she never pleads or begs.

E. How might other characters describe this one?

Meek, humble, docile.

F. What environment would show off who this character is?

She lives in a poor barrio. She goes to work, school to pick up her kids, church and home. Basically everyday.

I’d like her devout Catholicism to be a big part of her personality but having to break biblical rules right off the bat.

Irma, a young mother of two though you wouldn’t guess it. Bright as a diamond. Strong as one too. Held together in a delicate frame. Her heart belongs to her children. Her soul belongs to the Lord. A cashier rings up her groceries as she desperately rummages through her purse after she discovers no cash in her wallet.

Cashier: 1,263.59 pesos.

Irma: I must have left the money back at the church.

The cashier does not show any sympathy as he looks over all the items.

Irma: Do you think I can leave my information and come back at another time?

The cashier shakes his head. A line begins to form behind Irma.

Irma: You see, there’s a church function at San Ignacio this week and I’m in charge of bringing the food.

The cashier gives a deep sigh and he looks through all the items.

Irma: If you could just print out a receipt for the items, then I can come back tomorrow to pay the bill.

A manager steps in. A jolly older gentleman with a crucifix resting in his chesthair.

Manager: She’s good for it.

The cashier shrugs and prints out two receipts and hands one to Irma.

Irma: Thank you, Pedro.

Pedro: Don’t mention it. How are the boys?

Irma: A handful. And your family?

Pedro: They’re doing well, thank the Lord.

Irma: Speaking of which, I’d better get this to the church. I’ll stop by tomorrow with what I owe.

Pedro smiles softly and nods.

[Pablo Soriano]

Name: Irma

Traits: Dutiful, protective, modest, sensitive, tactful

Subtext: Withholding

AGENDA: Keep Ricardo from finding her savings.

Name: Ricardo

Traits: Indulgent, addict, desperate, weaselly

Subtext: Immoral

AGENDA: Wants Irma to give him whatever money she has tucked away.

SCENE:

Ricardo walks in as Irma finishes drying the dishes. His skin is glossy with sweat and his eyes are bloodshot.

IRMA: You’re drunk.

RICARDO: I’m tired.

IRMA: I suppose gambling all night long can be exhausting.

RICARDO: …Always a fucking lecture.

IRMA: Oh, I’m sorry: Hello, my dear. Can I make you some breakfast? Some eggs maybe? Oh that’s right! You sold our chickens for pay for your whores.

Ricardo suddenly rushes her. She drops a glass and it shatters. She is startled and attempts to push him away but he grabs her wrists.

RICARDO: I need money.

Irma scoffs.

IRMA: Some provider you are.

Ricardo tightens his grip. Irma winces.

RICARDO: I’m serious, Irma. I’m in trouble.

Irma pulls her wrists in so that they speak face to face.

IRMA: Even if I had a single peso I wouldn’t-

RICARDO: I know you have money hidden somewhere.

IRMA: Ricardo. We. Are. Broke. You’ve already sold off anything of value. The chickens. My jewelry. I feel lucky we still have the television. But our son’s Nintendo? Fucking shameful.

Ricardo shoves her into the refrigerator, forcing magnets to fall. Ricardo is deflated. He crosses his arms and looks to the floor.

RICARDO: I… I need your help, Irma.

IRMA: Don’t drag me into your world of sin. Lord knows how long I ignored your vices.

Ricardo looks up at her with longing, desperate eyes. She stares back, unmoved. He hardens and stands a bit taller.

RICARDO: As my wife, it is your duty to-

IRMA: Don’t you dare talk about what my duties are, you…

Irma holds back tears. Ricardo stands down. Their brief argument leaves them both defeated. Ricardo suddenly leaves in a huff. Irma takes a moment to gather herself before she picks up the magnets off the floor. She picks up a photo of the family together at some event. Neither Irma or Ricardo look all that happy in it.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Subtext and Loglines

What I learned: Subtext adds a bit of strength to each character. It even makes them break from their normal traits a bit to help the story move forward.

Name: Irma

Traits: Dutiful, protective, modest, sensitive, tactful

Subtext: Tactful/Withholding

Character Logline: Irma is a protective mother that convinces a gangster that she will work for him only to leave town and head to Texas with her two sons.

Possible areas of subtext: Without lying, she tells her sons that their father isn’t coming with them to Texas but what she doesn’t tell them is that he was murdered and that the three of them are running for their lives.

———————-

Fill in this format for each character.

Name: Frank

Traits: Direct, competitive, cunning, shady

Subtext: Shady/Corrupt

Character Logline: Frank is a drug runner that has been blackmailed by the border patrol but secretly continues to smuggle drugs at the risk of going to prison in order to maintain his expensive lifestyle.

Possible areas of subtext: His production team thinks that they are just catching immigrants but Frank keeps a contact in Mexico and continues to sneak drugs across the border without them knowing.

———————-

Fill in this format for each character.

Name: Miguel

Traits: introverted, crafty, resourceful, reserved

Subtext: Reserved/Discreet

Character Logline: Miguel is a semi-professional gamer that tends to cheat to get the upper hand on his opponents in order to win the cash prize to help his elderly mother.

Possible areas of subtext: He uses a VPN for all of his accounts and is constantly browsing incognito to keep his and his mother’s illegal status private as they are both undocumented immigrants.

———————-

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Characters

What I learned: I usually flesh out characters first but it makes sense to do it after you’ve already come up with some sort of storyline. The traits you come up with can add to the story. But you have to do it before you start writing dialogue. It’s important to know who these characters are to help you figure out how they speak and what they would say.

Irma

1. Basic character traits:

– loving,

– protective,

– religious,

– mother.

2. Want/Need:

– Wants to provide a better life for her sons

– Needs to leave her husband and the town she lives in.

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements):

– Devout Catholic verses the sins she must commit.

– Morally against gambling but loves American Game Shows for prize money.

– Polite in nature but sharp when threatened..

4. Secret:

– She only married Ricardo because she was pregnant out of wedlock.

5. Flaw:

– Always doubtful and fearful.

6. What is special about this character?

– She has been learning how to speak English by watching American Game Shows. She’s actually quite good.

Miguel

1. Basic character traits:

– introverted,

– crafty

– resourceful

– intelligent

2. Want/Need:

– Wants to help Irma make it across to the border so that he can win the gameshow.

– Needs to make more money to help his sick mother.

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements):

Son of an immigrant vs taking part in a twisted game show that exploits illegal migrants

Brilliantly intelligent and capable vs addicted to videogames/unambitious

4. Secret:

– Cheat his way through public schools, hacks for all of his online subscriptions and memberships.

5. Flaw:

– Anti-social. His only meaningful relationships aside from his mother are his online gaming community of whom he has never met in person.

6. What is special about this character?

– A self-taught electronics/tech wiz. Learned how to do anything and everything on YouTube.

Frank

1. Basic character traits:

– Direct

– Cunning

– Competitive

– Looking out for himself

2. Want/Need:

– Wants to exploit the border crisis for his own capital gain.

– Needs to be kingpin of a highly organized drug transport operation.

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements):

Doesn’t care about politics vs working with the border patrol to keep illegal migrants out.

Nonchalant/indifference vs aggressively competitive/ hates to lose

4. Secret:

Even though he made a deal with the border patrol, he is still secretly smuggling in drugs.

5. Flaw:

– He can let his competitiveness get in the way of his emotions.

6. What is special about this character?

– He is extremely intelligent and was once a highly ranked chess player.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Outline Version 2

CONCEPT: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, when in actuality that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

PLOT CHOICE: Sacrifice

CHARACTER STUCTURE: Dramatic Triangle? (Thriller)

LEAD CHARACTERS:

A. Protagonist – Irma Escandon, Mexican mother of two young boys, trying to illegally cross the border in hopes to give her family a better life.

B. Antagonist(s) – Sapo, a gangster enforcer for the casino that Irma’s husband owes money to. Frank Kazakowski, an ex-drug smuggler that runs and produces a secret gambling ring that televises illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border.

C. Secondary Protagonist – Miguel, a semi-professional gamer that needs money to help his sick mother so he places a bet on the Escandon family to safely cross and finds a way to cheat.

DRAMATIC QUESTION: Can Irma take her two sons safely across the Chihuahua Desert to the US to escape the clutches of the gangsters that killed her husband.

MAIN CONFLICT: With the use of drones, a group secretly working with the border patrol creates a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border— Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.”

DILEMMA: Does Irma stay in her small village and work for the bookies to pay off her husband’s debts or attempt to illegally cross the border to Texas at the risk of getting caught?

THEME: If there is no risk, there can be no reward.

CHARACTER ARC:

Due to a string of bad luck, Irma realizes she has to make her own luck when she makes the difficult decision to sneak across the border with her two sons and in the process she learns what it means to take big risks in order to succeed.

1. Opening

After getting caught using drones to smuggle drugs across the border, Frank Kazakowski and his crew are given an ultimatum by the border patrol: Either use the drones to help catch illegal immigrants or go to prison. No more drug running for the Mexican Cartel.

Now broke due to her deadbeat husband’s drinking and gambling, Irma takes what little money she has to buy bus tickets out of their small, Mexican village to Texas where she and her two young boys can start a new life.

Miguel must find a way to make some extra funds to help his aging mother after she is diagnosed with Alzheimers. Since she is an undocumented immigrant, she has very limited health coverage. Miguel does not make enough money as a professional gamer so he looks to help her using illegal means.

2. Inciting Incident

When her husband is murdered and her home is burglarized by the bookies/gangsters that he owed money to, the bus tickets are all she has left. Sapo, a gangster, tells Irma she must pay back her husband’s debt or she and her two sons have to work for the casino until it’s paid off.

While browsing through the darkweb to find a fake ID and social security number for his mother, Miguel finds a livestream of several Mexican families marching through the desert. Digging deeper, he discovers that this is a twisted game show where viewers can bet on migrants chances of making it across the border.

Frank needs to maintain his expensive lifestyle after being forced to retire from drug smuggling. With dozens of drones at his disposal, he and his crew create a gambling ring where they livestream immigrants attempting to cross the border. All the while, fooling the border patrol into thinking he is simply keeping surveillance along the border.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

Without passports, Irma and her sons can only make it as far as Samalayuca, right on the border of Texas. From there, they join a small caravan with the same goal of crossing the border through the Chihuahua Desert. Sapo and Frank once worked together back when Frank smuggled in drugs. He gets in contact with Frank and gives him a tip on the caravan in return for ensuring Irma and her sons get caught by border patrol so that they are brought back to their small town. As the caravan sets out, Frank’s fleet of drones locates them and stealthily records their every move. Viewers begin to place their bets. Miguel is one of these viewers and starts to build a drone himself with the intention of joining in on the game.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

When the caravan discovers the drones are following them, many branch out and split up to avoid being captured with the group. Irma reluctantly breaks away from the caravan. Frank is able to identify her and her sons by Sapo’s description. He projects her odds as extremely low. Miguel makes sure to place a bet on her as he finishes building his custom drone.

5. Mid-Point

Irma and her sons are struggling as they make the trek through the hot desert. Along the way, they find a package with water. Further along, they find another with food. They discover it is a drone that has been dropping them off. And this drone is different from the others. Miguel guides his drone back to them to deliver a map of the terrain. Irma and her sons now have an ally and chance to actually make it to Texas.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

After Miguel’s drone drops off another package for Irma and her sons, his drone is spotted by Franks live-stream. Frank sends the drone to follow Miguel’s back to his home in El Paso when it needs to recharge. Right when his drone is about to return to him, Miguel realizes his is being followed. He kamikaze crashes his drone into the other to take it down. He grabs both broken drones and quickly takes his mother from their home to a safe location. Miguel is now unable to provide any supplies to Irma and her family as the days are getting hotter.

7. Crisis

Irma’s and her sons are famished and exhausted. Back at Frank’s headquarters, we see X marks over the faces of several “contestants” as money (crypto) begins to pour in. Most have been caught, some are dead. As the remaining members of the caravan get closer to the borderline, Frank gives their exact coordinates to the border patrol. Frank’s team also narrows in on Miguel’s home and sends a couple of goons to take him out. With Irma unable to move quickly, most of the remaining drones are assigned to her. Frank makes another call to the border patrol.

8. Climax

As Frank’s goons break into Miguel’s house, Miguels webcam and mic is left on and records them talking about Frank’s secret gambling ring. After Miguel and his mother are nowhere to be found, the goons leave.

Realizing that the drones are mostly focused on her, Irma convinces her sons to wait behind so that she can draw most of the drones away from them. When she does, the boys are able to take down the few remaining drones and make it across the border undetected.

When Frank realizes that Irma tricks him, he launches drones at her. They force her off a cliff and she dies from the fall.

Irma’s sons are quickly caught by the border patrol after Frank notifies the Border Patrol. They are detained but they are not to be deported. Because they are minors, they are taken to a refugee facility where they are to be looked after until they are old enough to be sent back to Mexico.

9. Resolution

Frank scores another big payday, and as the fleet of drones returns to their makeshift runway, he notices that one is not working properly. He sees that it is slightly damaged and the camera is still on. This was the drone that followed Miguel’s. Miguel was able to repair it and reconfigure it so that he was in control. He flew it back to follow the rest of the drones and find the location of Frank’s operation. Suddenly, police arrive at the scene and arrest Frank and his crew. Meanwhile, Miguel and his mother sit safely with neighbors (also gamers), looking at Frank on a computer screen as he is handcuffed. It is revealed that Miguel tipped off the authorities and provided them with his own webcam footage as well as his drone footage of the whole ordeal. With all the documentation, Irma’s entire story has gained national attention as she is praised for her sacrifice.

After being fined for his involvement, Miguel starts an online fundraiser to help out his mother who eventually dies from her illnesses. After her death, he decides to volunteer at the refugee center where Irma’s sons are. He applies to become a foster parent and takes the two boys back to his home where he teaches them how to build drones and play video games.

1. EXT – TEXAS BORDER – DAY

A drone hovers over a group of migrants as they attempt to climb the border wall. They are immediately stopped by the border patrol.

2. INT – BORDER PATROL STATION, EL PASO, TX – DAY

Frank and Border Patrol officers watch the arrest of the migrants on a monitor showing the drone video feed. Frank was recently caught smuggling in drugs using his drones but instead of turning him in, the border patrol forces him to work for them to help them catch illegal immigrants on the condition that he stop smuggling drugs and not let a single immigrant get past his drones otherwise he will be sent to prison.

3. INT – IRMA’S HOME, VILLA JUAREZ, MX – DAY

After picking up her sons from detention for making projectile weapons out of school supplies, Irma comes home to find that her husband, Ricardo, ransacked their house to feed his gambling addiction. Irma makes a pact with her neighbor, Elena, to save up to get passports for her and her two sons and buy bus tickets to the United States. A gangster from the casino named Sapo comes by asking for Ricardo to collect a debt but he isn’t there.

3. INT. HOSPITAL, EL PASO, TX – DAY

Miguel brings his mother in for tests and doctors diagnose her with Alzheimers. Medical treatment is expensive since she is an undocumented immigrant and her insurance is limited.

4. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

Frank meets up with his team where they have dozens of drones and an elaborate operation. He explains to his team the conditions that were set by the border patrol to avoid prison.

5. INT. FACTORY – DAY

Irma works at a maquiladora when her husband, Ricardo, shows up asking for money. She asks her supervisor for an advance to get her husband to leave.

6. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Miguel puts his mother to bed. After playing a video game tournament online for some extra money, he uses a VPN to open a private browser and go on the dark web in search of social security numbers and IDs to fake his mother’s citizenship for cheaper coverage. In doing so, he finds a Frank’s video feed of migrants camping in the desert.

7. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – NIGHT

Frank needs a source of income now that his drug smuggling operation has been compromised. With the use of the drones, Frank’s production team is secretly live-streaming migrants attempting to cross the border on the dark web. They are taking in bets from viewers on the odds that they make it across.

8. EXT. IRMA’S HOME – NIGHT

After work, Irma gets home to find that her neighbors’ chickens were stolen by Ricardo. Fed up, she decides to use the advance paycheck to buy bus tickets to Ciudad Juarez at the border of Texas.

9. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Miguel begins to build a custom drone with the intention of buying in on the gambling gameshow he found on the dark web and using it to gain the advantage.

10. EXT. CASINO PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Irma takes her two sons and arrives at the casino looking for Ricardo to tell him that she is leaving him and taking the boys but when she arrives she is told that Ricardo was assaulted by security and taken to the hospital.

11. EXT. IRMA’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT

Irma returns to her house to find it burglarized and all of their money stolen by the people that Ricardo owed money to. The police arrive to tell her that Ricardo died of his injuries. All Irma has left is three bus tickets to Texas.

12. INT. ELENA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Sapo wakes them up to tell Irma that she had to pay back Ricardo’s debt or she and her sons would have to work for the casino to pay it off. She tells him yes but actually plans to leave town in the morning. Elena tells her to meet her cousin in Salamuyuca and that he would help her sneak past the border.

13. INT. BUS STATION – MORNING

After Irma doesn’t show up for work, Sapo interrogates Elena to find out where Irma is headed. Irma and her sons narrowly beat Sapo and his men to the station and escape.

13. EXT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – MORNING

Miguel lives in Tornillo, close to the borderline. He finishes building his drone and tests it by flying out into the desert looking for the migrants on the gameshow.

14. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

Sapo calls Frank as it is revealed that Sapo was one the drug dealers that Frank used to smuggle drugs for. Sapo gives him information about a caravan en route and asks Frank to find and make sure Irma and her two sons are caught at the border.

15. EXT. SAMALAYUCA – DAY

Without passports, Irma and her sons cannot enter the states so they meet with Elena’s cousin who is a coyote and he adds them to the caravan he is guiding to Texas.

16. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

Thanks to Sapo’s intel, Frank’s drones find the caravan and are able to identify Irma and her sons. He holds his end of the deal and keeps a drone on her as he projects her odds to make it across to be extremely low.

17. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – DAY

When members of the caravan discover that they are being followed by drones, many split up to avoid getting caught, forcing Irma and her sons to continue the trek alone.

18. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – DAY

Miguel tunes into the game show and sees Irma’s odds and decides to bet on her. He finds the caravan using the drone and uses it to drop off food and water for Irma. Using the drone, Miguel tries to guide her to safe passage.

19. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

Frank discovers Miguel’s drone. When Miguel has to bring it back to be recharged, Frank sends one of his to follow it and finds out where Miguel lives.

20. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – DAY

Irma’s sons figure out that the drones rotate shifts. They have solar panels on them so when they need to recharge they simply shut down as others fly over to continue to follow them.

21. EXT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – DAY

As his drone approaches, Miguel realizes that it was followed and crashes his drone into Frank’s to take it down. He immediately takes his mother and leaves the house to hide somewhere.

22. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – DAY

Irma and her sons find drones that are recharging and they destroy as many as they can find.

23. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

Frank is furious and sends even more drones to follow Irma. He then sends some of his team to go out and find Miguel.

24. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Frank’s men break into Miguel’s house but don’t find anyone there. Little do they know that Miguel’s webcam and mic are still as they search for him and discuss Frank’s operation.

25. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – NIGHT

Realizing the drones were more focused on Irma, she comes up with a plan to split up with her sons in order to draw most of the drones away from them. When they are a safe distance away, Irma’s sons use the projectile weapons they made in school to take down the few drones that followed them and make a break for the border.

26. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – NIGHT

When Frank realizes that the boys make it across the border, he notifies the border patrol. In a rage he launches a drone straight at Irma.

27. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – NIGHT

Irma is attacked by the drones as they force her off of a steep cliff, killing her.

27. EXT. EL PASO – NIGHT

As Irma’s sons cross the border, they are immediately caught. They are not deported, as by law, the US is obliged to shelter any unaccompanied minors and provide care until they are 18 years of age.

28. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – EARLY MORNING

After all members of the caravan are caught by the border patrol, Frank’s team wraps it up and brings in any working drone back to their facility for repairs and maintenance. They also bring in a big haul of money from their secret gambling ring. When checking all the drones, they realize that one has it’s camera still on and isn’t responding to the remote control.

29. INT. MIGUEL’S NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – MORNING

When Miguel crashed his drone into Frank’s, he took it and quickly repaired and reconfigured it to work with his remote and on his computer. From his neighbor’s house, he was able to fly it back in time to follow the rest of the fleet back to Frank’s studio. He is already in communication with the authorities and gives them Frank’s location.

30. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – MORNING

With the evidence from Miguel’s webcam, the authorities arrive at Frank’s studio and arrest him for his crimes. They eventually find the video where Frank kills Irma and uncover the evidence of his drug smuggling operation. His secret partnership with the border patrol is a nationally covered scandal.

29. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – MORNING

Miguel avoids jail time but has to pay a hefty fine for his involvement in the gambling ring. The best he could do for his mother was start an online fundraiser within his gaming community which helps a bit. But eventually his mother succumbs to her illness.

30. INT. REFUGEE SHELTER – DAY

Irma’s sons have now been in the states for over a year. After applying to become a foster parent for child refugees, Miguel shows up at the shelter with the intention of looking after Irma’s sons.

31. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – MORNING

Miguel teaches the boys how to build custom PCs and drones. The boys show a natural talent as they install projectile launchers on their own drones and shoot at targets.

THE END

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Pass 10: Essence Only

What I learned doing this project: I needed some time to come up with a couple breakthroughs. I honestly wasn’t done with my outline. But cutting it down to just the essential parts really helped. The ending is still a bit weak but it’s getting better.

LOGLINE: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, when in actuality that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

DRAMATIC QUESTION: Can Irma take her two sons safely across the Chihuahua Desert to the US to escape the clutches of the gangsters that killed her husband.

MAIN CONFLICT: With the use of drones, a group secretly working with the border patrol creates a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border— Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.”

DILEMMA: Does Irma stay in her small village and work for the bookies to pay off her husband’s debts or attempt to illegally cross the border to Texas at the risk of getting caught?

THEME: If there is no risk, there can be no reward.

1. EXT – TEXAS BORDER – DAY

A drone hovers over a group of migrants as they attempt to climb the border wall. They are immediately stopped by the border patrol.

2. INT – BORDER PATROL STATION, EL PASO, TX – DAY

Frank and Border Patrol officers watch the arrest of the migrants on a monitor showing the drone video feed. Frank was recently caught smuggling in drugs using his drones but instead of turning him in, the border patrol forces him to work for them to help them catch illegal immigrants on the condition that he stop smuggling drugs and not let a single immigrant get past his drones otherwise he will be sent to prison.

3. INT – IRMA’S HOME, VILLA JUAREZ, MX – DAY

After picking up her sons from detention for making projectile weapons out of school supplies, Irma comes home to find that her husband, Ricardo, ransacked their house to feed his gambling addiction. Irma makes a pact with her neighbor, Elena, to save up to get passports for her and her two sons and buy bus tickets to the United States. A gangster from the casino named Sapo comes by asking for Ricardo to collect a debt but he isn’t there.

3. INT. HOSPITAL, EL PASO, TX – DAY

Miguel brings his mother in for tests and doctors diagnose her with Alzheimers. Medical treatment is expensive since she is an undocumented immigrant and her insurance is limited.

4. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

Frank meets up with his team where they have dozens of drones and an elaborate operation. He explains to his team the conditions that were set by the border patrol to avoid prison.

5. INT. FACTORY – DAY

Irma works at a maquiladora when her husband, Ricardo, shows up asking for money. She asks her supervisor for an advance to get her husband to leave.

6. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Miguel puts his mother to bed. After playing a video game tournament online for some extra money, he uses a VPN to open a private browser and go on the dark web in search of social security numbers and IDs to fake his mother’s citizenship for cheaper coverage. In doing so, he finds a Frank’s video feed of migrants camping in the desert.

7. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – NIGHT

Frank needs a source of income now that his drug smuggling operation has been compromised. With the use of the drones, Frank’s production team is secretly live-streaming migrants attempting to cross the border on the dark web. They are taking in bets from viewers on the odds that they make it across.

8. EXT. IRMA’S HOME – NIGHT

After work, Irma gets home to find that her neighbors’ chickens were stolen by Ricardo. Fed up, she decides to use the advance paycheck to buy bus tickets to Ciudad Juarez at the border of Texas.

9. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Miguel begins to build a custom drone with the intention of buying in on the gambling gameshow he found on the dark web and using it to gain the advantage.

10. EXT. CASINO PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Irma takes her two sons and arrives at the casino looking for Ricardo to tell him that she is leaving him and taking the boys but when she arrives she is told that Ricardo was assaulted by security and taken to the hospital.

11. EXT. IRMA’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT

Irma returns to her house to find it burglarized and all of their money stolen by the people that Ricardo owed money to. The police arrive to tell her that Ricardo died of his injuries. All Irma has left is three bus tickets to Texas.

12. INT. ELENA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Sapo wakes them up to tell Irma that she had to pay back Ricardo’s debt or she and her sons would have to work for the casino to pay it off. She tells him yes but actually plans to leave town in the morning. Elena tells her to meet her cousin in Salamuyuca and that he would help her sneak past the border.

13. INT. BUS STATION – MORNING

After Irma doesn’t show up for work, Sapo interrogates Elena to find out where Irma is headed. Irma and her sons narrowly beat Sapo and his men to the station and escape.

13. EXT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – MORNING

Miguel lives in Tornillo, close to the borderline. He finishes building his drone and tests it by flying out into the desert looking for the migrants on the gameshow.

14. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

Sapo calls Frank as it is revealed that Sapo was one the drug dealers that Frank used to smuggle drugs for. Sapo gives him information about a caravan en route and asks Frank to find and make sure Irma and her two sons are caught at the border.

15. EXT. SAMALAYUCA – DAY

Without passports, Irma and her sons cannot enter the states so they meet with Elena’s cousin who is a coyote and he adds them to the caravan he is guiding to Texas.

16. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

Thanks to Sapo’s intel, Frank’s drones find the caravan and are able to identify Irma and her sons. He holds his end of the deal and keeps a drone on her as he projects her odds to make it across to be extremely low.

17. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – DAY

When members of the caravan discover that they are being followed by drones, many split up to avoid getting caught, forcing Irma and her sons to continue the trek alone.

18. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – DAY

Miguel tunes into the game show and sees Irma’s odds and decides to bet on her. He finds the caravan using the drone and uses it to drop off food and water for Irma. Using the drone, Miguel tries to guide her to safe passage.

19. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

Frank discovers Miguel’s drone. When Miguel has to bring it back to be recharged, Frank sends one of his to follow it and finds out where Miguel lives.

20. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – DAY

Irma’s sons figure out that the drones rotate shifts. They have solar panels on them so when they need to recharge they simply shut down as others fly over to continue to follow them.

21. EXT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – DAY

As his drone approaches, Miguel realizes that it was followed and crashes his drone into Frank’s to take it down. He immediately takes his mother and leaves the house to hide somewhere.

22. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – DAY

Irma and her sons find drones that are recharging and they destroy as many as they can find.

23. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – DAY

Frank is furious and sends even more drones to follow Irma. He then sends some of his team to go out and find Miguel.

24. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Frank’s men break into Miguel’s house but don’t find anyone there. Little do they know that Miguel’s webcam and mic are still as they search for him and discuss Frank’s operation.

25. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – NIGHT

Realizing the drones were more focused on Irma, she comes up with a plan to split up with her sons in order to draw most of the drones away from them. When they are a safe distance away, Irma’s sons use the projectile weapons they made in school to take down the few drones that followed them and make a break for the border.

26. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – NIGHT

When Frank realizes that the boys make it across the border, he notifies the border patrol. In a rage he launches a drone straight at Irma.

27. EXT. CHIHUAHUA DESERT – NIGHT

Irma is attacked by the drones as they force her off of a steep cliff, killing her.

27. EXT. EL PASO – NIGHT

As Irma’s sons cross the border, they are immediately caught. They are not deported, as by law, the US is obliged to shelter any unaccompanied minors and provide care until they are 18 years of age.

28. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – EARLY MORNING

After all members of the caravan are caught by the border patrol, Frank’s team wraps it up and brings in any working drone back to their facility for repairs and maintenance. They also bring in a big haul of money from their secret gambling ring. When checking all the drones, they realize that one has it’s camera still on and isn’t responding to the remote control.

29. INT. MIGUEL’S NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – MORNING

When Miguel crashed his drone into Frank’s, he took it and quickly repaired and reconfigured it to work with his remote and on his computer. From his neighbor’s house, he was able to fly it back in time to follow the rest of the fleet back to Frank’s studio. He is already in communication with the authorities and gives them Frank’s location.

30. INT. FRANK’S STUDIO – MORNING

With the evidence from Miguel’s webcam, the authorities arrive at Frank’s studio and arrest him for his crimes. They eventually find the video where Frank kills Irma and uncover the evidence of his drug smuggling operation. His secret partnership with the border patrol is a nationally covered scandal.

29. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – MORNING

Miguel avoids jail time but has to pay a hefty fine for his involvement in the gambling ring. The best he could do for his mother was start an online fundraiser within his gaming community which helps a bit. But eventually his mother succumbs to her illness.

30. INT. REFUGEE SHELTER – DAY

Irma’s sons have now been in the states for over a year. After applying to become a foster parent for child refugees, Miguel shows up at the shelter with the intention of looking after Irma’s sons.

31. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – MORNING

Miguel teaches the boys how to build custom PCs and drones. The boys show a natural talent as they install projectile launchers on their own drones and shoot at targets.

THE END

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Pass 9: Flags scenes to elevate

What I learned: Oh my goodness. So many flags. This whole story is moving way too slowly. I need to find a way to give some backstory and then jump right into it. So far, there is too much build up with a weak pay off. There’s enough action toward the end and I know I can still improve that. But I’m going to have to flag most of the first act.

FLAG

1. OPENING SCENE:

Irma sweeps up the remnants of a shattered piggy bank and tries to piece it back together with urgency. Once she’s finished, she puts a few coins back inside. She then cleans up several cans of beer and puts away crudely handmade toys. A rerun of Wheel of Fortune plays on an old tube television while she cleans.

– It’s not that Irma’s introduction is weak. It’s that I have to find a way to introduce the entire story better. I think I need to begin with a drone following a group of migrants attempting to cross the border and getting caught. I think I have to introduce Frank, the antagonist first. –

FLAG

3. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE, EL PASO, TX – DAY

Miguel, a skinny Latino American man, messes with computer parts in his kitchen. He is building a custom PC for gaming as his elderly mother sits on the couch, drifting off watching Wheel of Fortune.

10. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – DAY

Miguel is making breakfast. He spoons-feed his mother who suffers from dementia. On the kitchen table, his PC is almost complete. In the background, the television blares a conservative news channel. The Anchorman questions his guest, Frank Kozakowski, who angrily gripes about the severity of the border crisis. Miguel changes the channel to a classic sitcom, El Chavo Del Ocho. His mother recognizes the opening song and perks up. He smiles as he catches a glimpse of the mother he remembers. He gets back to work on his project.

18. INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Miguel’s mother is sleeping on the couch. The PC is now fully built and running. He looks at his measly bank account online. He then looks at his cryptocurrency portfolio which is not as bad. He then uses a VPN to open a private browser and search for browses on the dark web.

– Miguel’s back story. I’m taking too long to add any conflict to Miguel’s story. We have no idea what his role is in the film nor do we know what his motivation is. I think we need to start with him and his mother at a hospital where he finds out she is sick and they can’t afford health coverage because she is undocumented. That way we have a conflict and a goal in a single scene.

FLAG

11. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT

Late at night, two shady men knock. Irma answers through the window. One of them she recognizes as a head honcho at the casino named Sapo. He tells her he needs to speak with Ricardo. She tells them that he is probably at the casinos. Sapo says she’s attractive and asks if she would be interested in a job at the casino as it pays much better than her current one at the factory. She declines the offer. The two men leave.

– Sapo should be introduced earlier as well. Irma’s urgency to leave Mexico should be stronger. Might have him show up to look for Ricardo before we even introduce Ricardo.

FLAG

31. EXT. BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Irma argues with a person at the front desk because she can’t exchange her advance tickets for new ones that leave immediately. Sapo’s henchmen catch up to her and ask her not to cause a scene. They escort the family toward the exit. Andres begins to scream, attracting attention. People take notice and intervene allowing the family to bolt as onlookers block the henchmen. Irma desperately looks for a bus to El Paso. When they finally find one, they all board. The bus driver notices the date on the tickets doesn’t match but just shrugs and lets them on board. The henchmen lose track of them and the bus begins to depart.

– I don’t hate this scene. I just need a more clever way for them to escape. I will have to brainstorm.

There are many more flags. I will keep working on it.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Pass #8: Clichè Busting!

WHAT I LEARNED: This changes some of my Setup/Payoffs but maybe it’s necessary. And I am having a hard time coming up with more than 5 ideas. This is fun though.

CHOSEN SCENE: Irma piecing together her son’s broken piggy bank, now empty.

PURPOSE: To reveal that her husband Ricardo is stealing and scrounging for any extra peso he can find to gamble with at the casinos.

IDEAS:

A. Antonio yells at his little brother, Andres, accusing him of stealing from his stash.

B. Antonio comes home to see his Super Nintendo is gone because Ricardo sold it for gambling money.

C. Irma wakes up to find their home ransacked but is not surprised because her Ricardo regularly steals their own property to sell it for gambling money.

D. Irma is looking for her two sons when she can’t find them at school. She later finds them selling candy at traffic lights to help fund their father’s gambling addiction.

E. Irma wakes up to find the chicken coop empty. At first she assumes the chickens were stolen but then later finds out Ricardo sold them for gambling money.

CHOSEN SCENE: Irma or her son’s using a slingshot to take down the drones.

PURPOSE: Simply to show a primitive weapon vs new age technology.

IDEAS:

A. Using nothing but school supplies, Andres builds a mini-crossbow with pencils and rubber bands. Later, it is used to take down a drone.

B. Andres loves baseball and has a pretty good arm. Irma tells him he can practice his throw by pitching rocks at the drones.

C. Black vultures follow Irma and her sons as the situation looks dire with no more water. When it appears all is lost, a vulture swoops in to take out a drone. A bit of good luck.

D. Using his jacket and stones, Andres creates a net to take down a drone.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Pass 7: Setup/Payoff Chains

What I learned doing this assignment: Stories within a story. Side character arcs. Irma must trust her children. Antonio has to grow up fast. Miguel has to become a hero instead of a passive character.

SP CHAIN 1: Irma watches American game shows only to become a “contestant” in one.

Setup: Irma’s tube television only has three channels. One of them shows old episodes of Wheel of Fortune.

Payoff 1: Elena asks her why she watches Wheel of Fortune and Irma says it helps her learn a bit of English.

Payoff 2: Elena starts to watch WOF as well so that she can learn English as they both make a pact to move to the US together with their kids.

Payoff 3: Irma is able to guess the answer to a final round in the WOF giving her the confidence to buy bus tickets but Elena instead starts to work for the casino.

Payoff 4: Irma joins a caravan on a mission to sneak across the border and drones follow them as they are live-streamed on a twisted game show on the dark web.

SP CHAIN 2: Andres plays with toys he makes from things he finds and one of those toys is a slingshot that helps them take down drones.

Setup: Andres’s teacher speaks with Irma about Andres making weapons out of school supplies and things he finds in the trash and suggests that videogames might be a safer outlet.

Payoff 1: Andres uses some elastic and a stick to make a classic sling shot and practices his aim on a street sign.

Payoff 2: Irma scolds Andres about making weapons and takes away his most recent one: the slingshot.

Payoff 3: Andres continues to pick things up off the street to create little trinkets that Irma is alright with since she can’t afford to buy him toys.

Payoff 4: Irma tells Andres to play video games next door with his brother but Andres refuses.

Payoff 4: While they are in the desert, Andres picks up little pebbles along the way.

Payoff 5: Irma needs to come up with an idea to take down the drones as she suddenly remembers she still has Andre’s homemade slingshot and Andres reveals he has collected dozens of perfect pebbles as ammo.

SP CHAIN 3: Antonio says that he should be in charge of the family and when his mother dies, he has to take care of Andres.

Setup: Antonio complains that he is the real man of the house when he discovers that his father has been stealing from his piggy bank.

Payoff 1: Antonio is hungry and complains so Irma teaches him to make a simple dish of fried egg on rice since he claims to be “the man of the house.”

Payoff 2: He argues with Irma about leaving and says he can find a job to support the family and allow them to stay but Irma avoids telling him that Sapo and his bookies want them to work for the casino, the same people that killed his father.

Payoff 3: When several families in the caravan sympathize that Irma has to take her two sons alone to cross the border, Antonio claims that he is old enough to protect them.

Payoff 4: When Irma convinces the boys to cross the border on their own, Antonio objects but Irma tells him that this is what the man of the house must do to protect his family.

Payoff 5: When Irma dies, Antonio must now look after his brother and himself.

SP CHAIN 4: Miguel uses his Twitch stream as video evidence to incriminate Frank and his goons.

Set Up: Miguel plays a game called League of Legends on his Twitch channel and has gained quite a few followers with the intention of making a little extra money

Payoff 1: Once Miguel discovers Franks game show, he takes a break from Twitch and focuses on earning more money by making a bet on Irma and cheating in the process.

Payoff 2: Miguels Twitch community reach out and ask why he hasn’t been on in the last couple of day.

Payoff 3: When Frank sends his goons over to kill Miguel, he escapes just in time with his mother but forgets to turn off his Twitch camera and microphone.

Payoff 4: While the goons are inside Miguel’s house looking for him, all of his followers are listening in on the goons talking about killing Miguel for cheating on their game show.

Payoff 5: Miguel uses the footage he recorded to incriminate the goons and Frank.

SP CHAIN 5: Frank wants to gain more viewership on his YouTube channel, but when his gambling ring is exposed and he is arrested, he gets the infamy and notoriety he wished for.

Setup: Frank complains to his small production that they aren’t gaining enough viewers and hence not enough sponsorship/income.

Payoff 1: Frank compares his channel to other conservative channels and realizes that it is all the same which is why not many people are watching his.

Payoff 2: Frank thinks the country is too soft on immigration so he decides to capitalize on it and comes up with his game show idea to televise and bet on immigrants crossing the border using drones.

Payoff 3: The show is a hit and money starts rolling in but when they discover Miguel’s drone, they worry that their whole operation will be compromised.

Payoff 4: Miguel exposes Frank and his gambling ring and the media puts Frank’s story on the front page as well as every news network online giving Frank the recognition he always wanted.

Antonio’s SP Chain is cliche but I’m keeping it in for now. These kids have to grow up fast so I think it is necessary. I do like that I put more focus on Antonio and Andres since they are such integral parts of the story. They both play their role to help Irma in her journey.

I’d like to make Frank’s SP Chain stronger. Not sure how yet. I feel like I need to have other competing youtube channels involved. As well as viewer involvement. His competitive nature is what makes him so angry that Irma’s sons make it across which is why he kills her. To him, immigrants are not people. This setup could do more to reveal that.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano Pass #6: Subplots with Meaning

What I learned doing this assignment: I just came up with two more subplots. One that helps move the story forward and shows the consequences of working the bookies. One that adds a little conflict for Irma. And one that helps wrap up the resolution so that at least one of the antagonists gets their comeuppance.

Subplots:

Elena

BEGINNING: Elena is an old friend of Irma’s and is her neighbor. She has two kids and no husband. They both joke about leaving their hometown and moving to the states.

MIDDLE: Elena is in dire need of money. Without a husband, she has to support her family on her own. Irma and Elena make a pact to leave their hometown and head to the states. Irma buys her tickets. Elena does not.

END: Elena begins working for the casino. While it does pay the bills, she is now under Sapo’s thumb and makes her do things that she isn’t proud of. Including telling them where Irma might be when she doesn’t show up for work.

Antonio and Andres

BEGINNING: Antonio is the eldest son of Irma. He is rebellious and fights Irma at every turn. He does not want to take care of his little brother and he definitely does not want to leave his hometown and all of his friends. Andres is Irma’s youngest. He is quiet and shy. He likes to build toys and gadgets out of things he finds.

MIDDLE: Antonio argues with his mother and questions her decision about leaving. Andres doesn’t care as long as he is with her. She won’t tell them that they are at risk of being taken by Sapo and his crime syndicate. Later on, Antonio realizes the danger they are in when they are in the desert. Andres is still oblivious and thinks is eager to get to the states.

END: With a slingshot that Andres makes from elastic bands and a stick, they find a way to take down one of the drones following them which gives them small window of time to head past the border undetected. When the next fleet of drones approaches, Irma and the boys split up. Knowing that the drones were following her, she lures them away so that her sons can make it safely across. Antonio realizes that he now has to take care of his little brother. He must now take on the responsibilities for both of them.

Miguel:

BEGINNING: Miguel is a semi-professional gamer in need of money to help his elderly mother suffering from dementia. Because she is an undocumented immigrant she has very limited medical coverage.

MIDDLE: Miguel discovers Franks gameshow on the dark web. He sees it as an opportunity to make some money and comes up with a way to cheat by building his own drone and providing aid to a contestant that he places a bet on: Irma.

END: Irma reminds Miguel of his own mother and is overcome with guilt by playing a part in this twisted game and now focuses on helping Irma make it across. Frank tries to find Miguel’s location to punish him for cheating. After Frank is responsible for Irma’s death, Miguel exposes Frank for his sick gameshow and it is all over the news. Frank is arrested for his crimes and Miguel turns himself in for his role in the illegal gambling operation. Ultimately, his mother dies. But he applies to be a foster parent in hopes he can take care of Antonio and Andres until they are 18.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Pablo Soriano.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano Pass #5: Action / Reaction

What I learned doing this assignment: This is a good exercise on how to tell a story in general. The seesaw of a protagonist moving forward while the antagonist pushes back. The antagonist is much more important than I realized. I put too much focus on the hero and not the villain.

PROTAGONIST GOAL:

Leave her hometown run by gangsters and illegally cross the border to get her sons to safety.

PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC:

Irma has always had poor luck so she always plays it safe but she learns to take risks and stay the course even if the odds are against her.

Part to be changed: Irma is penniless in debt to bookies in her small Mexican village.

Biggest fear: Being stuck all her life/ Her two sons being taken to work for the bookies.

Completion of arc: Irma finds a way for her sons to make it to the US, even if by illegal means.

MAIN CONFLICT:

With the use of drones, a group of ultranationalists create a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border and ultimately inform the border patrol of the migrants’ location — Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.” The gangsters are actually in cahoots with the game show producers and tipped them off about Irma with the agreement that if they make certain that she is caught before she can cross the border.

ACTION/REACTION

Irma/Gangsters and Frank

Irma buys bus tickets to leave her gambling husband/ Gangsters murder her husband and tell her she owes for his debts.

Irma takes her sons to Ciudad Juarez to join a caravan on a mission to illegally cross the border/ The gangsters reach out to Frank to notify him of a caravan for his show and tell him to keep the camera on Irma.

Irma and her sons set out for Texas/ Frank sends out a fleet of drones to find their location.

The caravan makes some headway/ The drones stealthily track them as they head towards the border

Irma spots one of the drones and warns the other migrants/ As the migrants decide to split up, Frank sends more drones to follow different groups.

Irma finds a package of food and water left by Miguel’s drone/ Frank catches Miguel’s drone in the act of helping Irma and has one of his follow Miguel’s drone back to his home

After Miguel takes down one of Frank’s drones, Irma and her son’s find a way to take others down too/ Frank sends all extra drones to their location.

Irma lures the drones away from her sons/ Frank follows her and uses them to push her off a cliff to her death.

Irma’s son’s make it safely across the border/ Frank is arrested for his crimes.

EMOTIONAL MOMENTS

Losing her husband even though she wanted to him.

The gangster threatening to take her sons.

Making the decisions to leave her hometown with all of her friends and family.

Having to explain to her sons that they would be hiking through the desert, leaving Mexico and probably never coming back.

Having to break away from the caravan to avoid capture and make the trek alone.

Luring the drones away know that she may never see her sons again.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s NQ 3 and 4

CONCEPT: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, when in actuality they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

THE EMOTIONAL DILEMMA

Does Irma stay in her small village and work for the bookies to pay off her husband’s debts or attempt to illegally cross the border to Texas at the risk of getting caught.

Choice A: Stay in her hometown and work for the bookies to pay off her husband’s debts.

Choice B: Hike through the desert and the border illegally with her two young sons as a game show on the dark web tracks their every move.

A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up?

Irma buys three bus tickets to El Paso with the intention of leaving her alcoholic and gambling addicted husband. When he is murdered, she is approached by the bookies that killed him threatening her son’s if she doesn’t work for them to pay off his debts. She takes the bus to Ciudad Juarez at the border and joins a caravan on a mission to cross the border while camera drones live-stream their location for entertainment.

B. How are both sides of the issue built up?

The bookies expect either her or her oldest son to report for a position at the casino at a set date. Irma and her sons rush out of their hometown. As they embark on their journey across the Chihuahuan Desert, they become the newest contestants on a twisted gameshow on the internet that intends to give their location to the Border Patrol.

C. When does the protagonist make the choice?

Early on. She buys the refundable bus tickets in case she changed her mind but once her husband dies, their house is burglarized and the bookies demand compensation, she has no choice but to escape. She is scared but she is dead set on making it to the US for the sake of her two sons.

D. What do they lose in making that choice?

They leave all that they know and love behind. And they also risk being apprehended by the US Border Patrol and being sent back to their hometown and working for the bookies of worse since they tried to leave.

The dehumanization of the poor and the needy simply for trying to obtain a better life.

Those that are striving to obtain the American Dream may actually be trying to escape a nightmare.

Theme: If there is no risk, there is no reward.

A. What are both sides of your theme?

Side 1: If you risk everything, you could lose everything.

Side 2: If you don’t take any risks, you will never be rewarded.

B. How will both sides show up throughout your story?

The story begins with Irma in a loveless marriage with an alcoholic, gambling addicted deadbeat. She’s afraid to leave him because she will be left to take care of two children and divorce is taboo in her Catholic upbringing. She always plays it safe. Miguel is a semi-professional gamer that is down on his luck. He needs money to help his aging mother. He discovers a twisted game show on the dark web and comes up with a scheme to enter the competition and cheat his way for the prize.

After a drunken night at the casino, her husband asks Irma for money. When she refuses, he becomes violent. She then decides to buy three bus tickets to El Paso, TX with the intention of leaving him. But without a plan or money, she later decides to return the tickets.

However, before she is able to do so, her husband is murdered by the bookies he owed and his home is burglarized for anything of value. All she has left are these three bus tickets.

The bookies show up to offer their condolences for her late husband but explain that money is still owed. She explains that she can’t offer anything, her wages at the factory are too low. They suggest that she work for them at the casino, although it’s apparent the work would be unpleasant. Frustrated and knowing that her husband was killed and her home was destroyed because of them, she angrily declines. The bookies then threaten to kill her and take her sons to work for them instead. She tells them she will comply and they tell her new job starts tomorrow. Irma has no intention of showing up. She has no choice but to take her sons on the bus to El Paso.

Without a passport, Irma and her sons join a caravan just before Ciudad Juarez, with the mission to cross the Chihuahuan desert and sneak across the border. But as they embark on their journey, they discover that drones are following their every move. Unbeknownst to them, they are contestants on a twisted game show online where people place bets on whether or not they make it across the border. Irma decides to break away from the caravan and she takes her sons to make the trek on their own. That’s when a drone, different from the others, drops off food and water as well as a map of the terrain. This drone belongs to Miguel.

As they get closer to the state line, drones are still tracking them. Irma makes the difficult decision to distract the drones and lure them away so that her sons can safely make it across. Furious that he was tricked, Frank uses a drone to push Irma off a cliff to her death. As her sons cross the border, they are immediately caught. They are not deported, as by law, the US is obliged to shelter them and provide care until they are 18 years of age.

Miguel exposes the gameshow to the media and it becomes a nationwide scandal. The two boys are safe, but the “better life” they hoped for feels like fallacy without their mother. Miguel’s mother dies and he applies to become a foster parent. He fosters the two boys and teaches them how to play video games.

C. How does the climax of the story demand your message?

Irma uses a slingshot that her son makes to take out the drones. She even takes out Miguels. She hands her oldest son the map and they split up. When the drones return, she lures them away from her sons. She sacrifices herself for her sons to make it across. She takes a risk and the reward is that her sons are now safe and not working for the bookies.

[Pablo Soriano]

As in, Pablo Soriano’s 3rd Pass — NQ 1 and 2.

What I learned doing this assignment: I could tell this story a thousand different ways. I just have to find the right formula to make this work. I think I’m getting closer. Still not even that close though. This assignment is making me feel confident that I’m on the right path. I still need to work on Miguel’s character arc though.

1. Concept: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, when in actuality they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

2. Dramatic Question: Can Irma take her two sons safely across the Chihuahua Desert to the US for the opportunity of a better life?

A. This gets established when she decides to leave her gambling addicted husband and buys bus tickets to Texas. After her husband is murdered and her home is burglarized, the bus tickets are all that she has left.

B. The intensity is increased when she is unable to pay off her husband’s debts and the bookies threaten to force her to work at a brothel and/or take her son’s to work at the casino until the debt is fully paid.

C. The question is answered when Irma distracts the border patrol and sacrifices herself so that her sons can make it safely across. She is then sent back to her hometown to work for the bookies.

3. Main Conflict: With the use of drones, a group of ultranationalists create a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border and ultimately inform the border patrol of the migrants’ location — Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.”

A. The main conflict shows up early on Frank pitches an idea to the border patrol for a high tech security system that uses drones to monitor the illegal entry of migrants. Initially, his idea his turned down. He is contacted later to discuss the prospect of working as a top secret “contractor” for the US government.

B. How many ways can you express the Main Conflict throughout the story?

The bookies inform Frank of incoming caravans for a fee and hope to get Irma caught and sent back.

Miguel discovers the secret gameshow on the darkweb when his rich employers joke brag about the money they make.

Miguel decides to make a wager himself to make some money and exploit the game show to his advantage by cheating.

Miguel uses his own drone to assist Irma in her journey.

The caravan discovers the drones following them and splits up forcing Irma to make the trek with her two young sons.

At Frank’s headquarters, he displays odds for the contestants and Irma’s odds are extremely low. One by one, each member of the caravan gets picked off as Frank notifies the border patrol.

C. What brings the Main Conflict to a boiling point in the 3rd Act?

Irma has a small window of time to make it across the border undetected when Miguel’s drone takes out one of Frank’s. She and her sons make a break for it but Frank sends a fleet of drones to find her.

D. How is the Main Conflict resolved?

Irma is able to distract the drones and lure them away from her sons so they can make it across the border safely. She lets herself get caught by the border patrol. Frank’s operation is exposed by Miguel and Frank is arrested.

[Pablo Soriano]

Request for Feedback Exchange

Pablo Soriano SLW Version 1

CONCEPT: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, when in actuality they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

PLOT CHOICE AND SUMMARY: Sacrifice

CHARACTER STUCTURE: Dramatic Triangle

LEAD CHARACTERS:

A. Protagonist – Irma Escandon, Mexican mother of two young boys, trying to illegally cross the border with her two sons in hopes to give them a better life.

B. Antagonist – Frank Kazakowski, conservative vlogger that runs and produces a secret gambling ring that televises illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border.

B. Secondary Protagonist – Miguel, a semi-professional gamer that needs money to help his sick mother so he places a bet on the Escandon family to safely cross but finds a way to cheat.

DRAMATIC QUESTION: Can Irma find a better life for her and her sons?

MAIN CONFLICT: With the use of drones, a group of Ultranationalist techies create a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border and ultimately inform the border patrol of the migrants’ location — Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.”

DILEMMA: Is Irma willing to give herself up to the authorities in order for her sons to make it across the border safely, possibly never seeing them again?

THEME: You can’t win the game unless you play.

CHARACTER ARC:

Due to a string of bad luck, Irma realizes she has to make her own luck when she makes the difficult decision to sneak across the border with her two sons and in the process she learns what it means to take big risks in order to succeed.

Part to be changed: Irma is broke and is left alone to care for her two sons.

Biggest fear: Irma – Being stuck in debt / Her two sons growing up in a bad environment.

Completion of arc: Irma finds support in others and she learns to help those with the same struggles.

1. Opening

Now broke due to her deadbeat husband’s drinking and gambling, Irma takes what little money she has to buy bus tickets out of their small, Mexican village to Texas where she and her two young boys can start a new life. Meanwhile, a young man named Miguel, a pro-gamer on Twitch in El Paso, TX, builds a drone as he takes care of his elderly mother who suffers from dementia. Frank, tech-savvy ultranationalist, pitches an idea to the border patrol for a high tech security system that uses drones to monitor the illegal entry of migrants. His idea is considered too expensive and he is turned down.

2. Inciting Incident

When her husband is murdered and her home is burglarized by the bookies/gangsters that he owed money to, the bus tickets are all she has left. She has no choice but to leave her small village. Miguel tests his new drone back in Texas. It works perfectly. But his aging mother is very ill and he needs a way to make money to take care of her. Frank goes back to work on his daily conservative talk show on youtube and rants about the border crisis.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

Without passports, Irma and her sons can only make it as far as Samalayuca, right outside of Ciudad Juarez. From there, they join a small caravan with the same goal of crossing the border through the Chihuahua Desert. As they set out, a fleet of drones stealthily records their every move. The ones controlling these drones are Frank and his production team who are secretly live-streaming the Mexican migration on the dark web. They take bets from viewers to see which immigrant makes it the furthest before they notify the authorities of their location. Miguel is one of these viewers and places bets on several “contestants”. He launches his homemade drone towards the direction of the action.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

When the caravan discovers the drones are following them, many branch out and split up to avoid being captured with the group. Irma reluctantly breaks away from the caravan but later discovers a hidden package of food and water left by Miguel’s drone with a map of the land.

5. Mid-Point

As they make their way to Texas, the live-stream posts the odds of the certain individuals that are amongst the caravan as well as those that broke away. Irma was one of these individuals as a drone follows her. It is revealed that Irma’s odds are extremely low. Miguel prepares another delivery of supplies as his drone re-charges.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

After Miguel’s drone drops off another package for Irma and her sons, his drone is spotted by Franks live-stream. Frank sends the drone assigned to Irma to follow Miguel’s back to his home in El Paso when it needs to recharge. Miguel catches wind of this and right before revealing his exact location, he kamikaze crashes his drone into the other to take it down. This gives Irma a small window of time to cross the border undetected. But now Miguel is unable to provide any supplies as the days are getting hotter.

7. Crisis

Irma’s youngest son slips and falls off of a rock and severely injures his leg. Famished and exhausted, Irma has to carry her youngest son through the desert. Back at Frank’s headquarters, we see X marks over the faces of several “contestants” as money (crypto) begins to pour in. Most have been caught, some are dead. As the remaining members of the caravan get closer to the borderline, Frank gives their exact coordinates to the border patrol. Frank’s team also narrows in on Miguel’s home and sends a couple of goons to take him out. With Irma unable to move quickly, the drones find her and Frank makes another call to the border patrol.

8. Climax

As Frank’s goons break into Miguel’s house, Miguels Twitch camera is left on and records them talking about Frank’s secret gambling ring. After Miguel and his mother are nowhere to be found, the goons leave. When Irma hears the buzz of a drone, she hands her eldest son the map and tells him to carry his little brother across the border. She runs a different direction to draw the drone away. After a daring attempt to escape capture, all three are caught by authorities.

9. Resolution

Frank scores big payday, and as the fleet of drones returns to their makeshift runway, he notices that one is different from the others. He realizes that it looks like Miguel’s only spray painted to look like one of his. He also notices that the camera is still on. Suddenly, police arrive at the scene with an arrest warrant for running a gambling operation and conspiracy to commit murder. The media is also there to expose Frank for his crimes. Meanwhile, Miguel and his mother sit safely with neighbors (also gamers), looking at Frank on a computer screen as he is handcuffed. It is revealed that Miguel tipped off the authorities and provided them with his own Twitch stream footage as well as his drone footage of the whole ordeal. With all the documentation, Irma’s entire story has gained national attention. There is an outpour of support as Miguel starts an online fundraiser on her behalf. Irma, now with enough money, opens a women’s shelter in her hometown. Her boys help her run it and they plan to visit Texas once their 5 year ban has expired.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web

1. What I learned doing this assignment is: There is still so much to improve. I have to admit, this concept wasn’t my number one choice. But it got a decent response when I pitched it to my friends so I went with it. I have a lot of research to do. As a son of immigrants (now American citizens), I realize now that there is a great deal I don’t know about this subject. The first pass was written off the cuff but this second pass still needs A LOT of work.

2. BEFORE:

Concept: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, only to find out that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

Lead Characters:

A. Irma Escandon, Mexican mother of two young boys, is taking her family across the desert to the United States of America, determined to give them a better life.

B. Frank Kazakowski is a conservative radio show host on the internet that runs and produces a secret gambling ring that televises illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border.

C. Miguel is a tech-savvy gamer that has placed a substantial bet on the Escandon family to safely cross the border and finds a way to increase his chances by providing aid using a drone, essentially cheating in order to win.

PLOT CHOICE AND SUMMARY: Sacrifice

This plot has a strong moral dilemma at its center. The protagonist is playing for high stakes and a sacrifice must be made at a great personal cost. They should undergo a major transformation during the course of the story, moving from a lower moral state to a higher one, with events forcing their decisions throughout the story.

1. Opening

Buried in debt due to her deadbeat husband’s drinking and gambling, Irma takes what little money she has to buy bus tickets out of their small, Mexican village to Texas where she and her two young boys can start a new life. Meanwhile, a young man named Miguel in El Paso, TX builds a drone.

2. Inciting Incident

When her husband is murdered and her home is burglarized by the bookies/gangsters that he owed money to, the bus tickets are destroyed. No longer feeling safe, she decides to take her sons across the border herself, joining a caravan of migrants. Miguel tests his new drone back in Texas.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

Irma and her sons set out with a small caravan through the Chihuahua Desert. A fleet of drones stealthily records their every move. The one controlling these drones is Frank Kazakowski, an Alt-Right YouTube Pundit, and his production team who are secretly live-streaming the Mexican migration on the dark web. They take bets from viewers to see which immigrant makes it the furthest before they notify the authorities of their location. Miguel is one of these viewers and places bets on several “contestants”. He launches his homemade drone towards the direction of the action.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

When the caravan discovers the drones are following them, many branch out and split up to avoid being captured with the group. Irma reluctantly breaks away from the caravan as she cannot risk being sent back to her village.

5. Mid-Point

As they make their way to Texas, the live-stream projects the odds of the certain individuals that are amongst the caravan as well as those that broke away. Irma was one of these individuals as a drone follows her. After her odds were projected as extremely low, Miguel makes a substantial bet on Irma. Using his homemade drone, he begins to drop off water bottles and some food near their location. Before Irma can object, her youngest son already finishes a bottle of water. When it is clear that it is not contaminated or poisoned, Irma begins to follow the breadcrumbs of water and supplies into safer routes towards Texas.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

After Miguel’s drone is spotted by the live-stream, Frank sends the drone assigned to Irma to follow Miguel’s back to his home in El Paso when it needs to recharge. Miguel catches wind of this and right before revealing his exact location, he kamikaze crashes his drone into the other to take it down. This gives Irma a small window of time to cross the border undetected. But now Miguel is unable to provide any supplies as water is running low.

7. Crisis

Irma’s youngest son slips and falls off of a rock and severely injures his leg. Famished and exhausted, Irma has to carry her youngest son through the desert. Back at Frank’s headquarters, we see X marks over the faces of several “contestants” as money begins to pour in. As the caravan gets closer to the borderline, Frank gives their exact coordinates to the border patrol. Frank’s team also narrows in on Miguel’s home and sends a couple of goons to take him out. With Irma unable to move quickly, the drones find her and Frank makes another call to the border patrol.

8. Climax

As Frank’s goons break into Miguel’s house, security cameras set up in Miguel’s home get clear pictures of the men, as well as a photo of their license plate. After Miguel is nowhere to be found, the goons leave. When Irma hears the buzz of a drone, she tells her eldest to carry his brother and bolt for the border. She runs a different direction to draw the drone away. After a daring attempt to escape capture, all three are caught by authorities.

9. Resolution

Frank scores another big payday, and as the fleet of drones returns to their makeshift runway, he notices that one is different from the others. He realizes that it looks like Miguel’s only spray painted to look like one of his. He also notices that the camera is still on. Suddenly, police arrive at the scene with an arrest warrant for running a gambling operation and conspiracy to murder. The media is also there to expose Frank for his crimes. Meanwhile, Miguel sits safely in an undisclosed location, looking at Frank on a computer screen as he is handcuffed. It is revealed that Miguel tipped off the authorities and provided them with his own his security camera footage as well as his drone footage of the whole ordeal. With all the documentation, Irma’s entire story has gained national attention as she is praised for her sacrifice by liberals and Latin Americans and vilified by the conservatives and Nationalists. There is an outpour of support as Miguel starts an online fundraiser in her behalf… but embezzles some of it to pay back the money he lost betting on her. Irma, now with enough money, buys three bus tickets to California.

Character Arc:

Due to poor choices, Irma has always been one to let the others around her dictate her life but after making the most difficult decision she’s ever had to make, she learns to never doubt herself and stay the course even if the odds are against her.

Part to be changed: Irma is penniless in debt to bookies in her small Mexican village.

Biggest fear: Being stuck all her life/ Her two sons growing up in a bad environment.

Completion of arc: Irma finds a way for her and her sons to make it to the US, even if by illegal means.

Dramatic Question: Can Irma take her two sons safely across the Chihuahua Desert to the US for the opportunity of a better life?

Main Conflict: With the use of drones, a group of alt-right extremists create a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border and ultimately inform the border patrol of the migrants’ location — Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.”

Dilemma: As one of the drones begins to provide food and water, Irma must decide whether to trust this mysterious Samaritan or take down the drones and risk getting caught in order to help her sons make it to the US safely.

Theme: The chance at the “American Dream” may not be worth the gamble.

3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:

-Plot holes galore! Top quality drones can only fly out as far as 4.5 miles from their remote controllers. They also only have a battery-life of no more than 20 min. But I’m coming up with ideas on how to fix this issue. A little bit of sci-fi rule breaking can solve this I think.

-The resolution is pretty weak and Irma would not be able to come back to the states for 5-10 years if she were caught and deported. So… I think… I need the boys to make it across without her, hence actually making this a story about sacrifice. But I don’t know.

-That said, I’m not sure it is necessary to have Irma with two sons, Antonio and Andres. Originally, I placed them in the story as something Irma is at risk of losing as well as what gives her the motivation. And since this revolves around a “game” I wanted the symbology of having children playing. But I fear that it might get too crowded having more characters in this story. For now, I’ll keep them in.

-I also added a character: Miguel’s aging mother. I think it would be an interesting contrast to have a mother trying to help her sons and a son trying to help his mother. It gives Miguel a better motivation rather than just cheating for money. It also makes him more likable.

-I need to introduce Frank, the antagonist, earlier. Another thing that I need to work on is I’d like to find a way to show that Irma is not one to take risks so that by the end, it is a big character change to show how she takes a huge risk trying to cross the border.

-With that said, the theme is vague. I came up with a new one. It is a more positive outlook than the previous one about the American Dream. Although, I do want pursuit of the American Dream to be a motif in this story.

-I need help with my dilemma. There’s something there but I’m just not seeing it yet.

Lots to improve here.

4. AFTER:

Concept: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, only to find out that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

Lead Characters:

A. Protagonist – Irma Escandon, Mexican mother of two young boys, trying to illegally cross the border with her two sons in hopes to give them a better life.

B. Antagonist – Frank Kazakowski, conservative vlogger that runs and produces a secret gambling ring that televises illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border.

B. Secondary Protagonist – Miguel, a semi-professional gamer that needs money to help his sick mother so he places a bet on the Escandon family to safely cross but finds a way to cheat.

PLOT CHOICE AND SUMMARY: Sacrifice

This plot has a strong moral dilemma at its center. The protagonist is playing for high stakes and a sacrifice must be made at a great personal cost. They should undergo a major transformation during the course of the story, moving from a lower moral state to a higher one, with events forcing their decisions throughout the story.

1. Opening

Now broke due to her deadbeat husband’s drinking and gambling, Irma takes what little money she has to buy bus tickets out of their small, Mexican village to Texas where she and her two young boys can start a new life. Meanwhile, a young man named Miguel, a pro-gamer on Twitch in El Paso, TX, builds a drone as he takes care of his elderly mother who suffers from dementia. Frank, tech-savvy ultranationalist, pitches an idea to the border patrol for a high tech security system that uses drones to monitor the illegal entry of migrants. His idea is considered too expensive and he is turned down.

2. Inciting Incident

When her husband is murdered and her home is burglarized by the bookies/gangsters that he owed money to, the bus tickets are all she has left. She has no choice but to leave her small village. Miguel tests his new drone back in Texas. It works perfectly. But his aging mother is very ill and he needs a way to make money to take care of her. Frank goes back to work on his daily conservative talk show on youtube and rants about the border crisis.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

Without passports, Irma and her sons can only make it as far as Ojinaga, right on the border of Texas. From there, they join a small caravan with the same goal of crossing the border through the Chihuahua Desert. As they set out, a fleet of drones stealthily records their every move. The ones controlling these drones are Frank and his production team who are secretly live-streaming the Mexican migration on the dark web. They take bets from viewers to see which immigrant makes it the furthest before they notify the authorities of their location. Miguel is one of these viewers and places bets on several “contestants”. He launches his homemade drone towards the direction of the action.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

When the caravan discovers the drones are following them, many branch out and split up to avoid being captured with the group. Irma reluctantly breaks away from the caravan but later discovers a hidden package of food and water left by Miguel’s drone with a map of the land.

5. Mid-Point

As they make their way to Texas, the live-stream posts the odds of the certain individuals that are amongst the caravan as well as those that broke away. Irma was one of these individuals as a drone follows her. It is revealed that Irma’s odds are extremely low. Miguel prepares another delivery of supplies as his drone re-charges.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

After Miguel’s drone drops off another package for Irma and her sons, his drone is spotted by Franks live-stream. Frank sends the drone assigned to Irma to follow Miguel’s back to his home in El Paso when it needs to recharge. Miguel catches wind of this and right before revealing his exact location, he kamikaze crashes his drone into the other to take it down. This gives Irma a small window of time to cross the border undetected. But now Miguel is unable to provide any supplies as the days are getting hotter.

7. Crisis

Irma’s youngest son slips and falls off of a rock and severely injures his leg. Famished and exhausted, Irma has to carry her youngest son through the desert. Back at Frank’s headquarters, we see X marks over the faces of several “contestants” as money (crypto) begins to pour in. Most have been caught, some are dead. As the remaining members of the caravan get closer to the borderline, Frank gives their exact coordinates to the border patrol. Frank’s team also narrows in on Miguel’s home and sends a couple of goons to take him out. With Irma unable to move quickly, the drones find her and Frank makes another call to the border patrol.

8. Climax

As Frank’s goons break into Miguel’s house, Miguels Twitch camera is left on and records them talking about Frank’s secret gambling ring. After Miguel and his mother are nowhere to be found, the goons leave. When Irma hears the buzz of a drone, she hands her eldest son the map and tells him to carry his little brother across the border. She runs a different direction to draw the drone away. After a daring attempt to escape capture, all three are caught by authorities.

9. Resolution

Frank scores another big payday, and as the fleet of drones returns to their makeshift runway, he notices that one is different from the others. He realizes that it looks like Miguel’s only spray painted to look like one of his. He also notices that the camera is still on. Suddenly, police arrive at the scene with an arrest warrant for running a gambling operation and conspiracy to murder. The media is also there to expose Frank for his crimes. Meanwhile, Miguel and his mother sit safely with neighbors (also gamers), looking at Frank on a computer screen as he is handcuffed. It is revealed that Miguel tipped off the authorities and provided them with his own Twitch stream footage as well as his drone footage of the whole ordeal. With all the documentation, Irma’s entire story has gained national attention as she is praised for her by liberals and Latin Americans and vilified by the conservatives and Nationalists. There is an outpour of support as Miguel starts an online fundraiser on her behalf… but takes some of it to pay back the money he lost betting on her. Irma, now with enough money, opens a women’s shelter in her hometown. Her boys help her run it and they plan to visit Texas once their 5 year ban has expired.

Character Arc:

Due to poor choices, Irma has always been one to let the others around her dictate her life but after making the most difficult decision she’s ever had to make, she learns to never doubt herself and stay the course even if the odds are against her.

Part to be changed: Irma is broke and is left alone to care for her two sons.

Biggest fear: Irma – Being stuck in debt / Her two sons growing up in a bad environment.

Completion of arc: Irma finds support in others and she learns to help those with the same struggles.

Dramatic Question: Can Irma find a better life for her sons?

Main Conflict: With the use of drones, a group of alt-right techies create a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border and ultimately inform the border patrol of the migrants’ location — Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.”

Dilemma: Is Irma willing to give herself up to the authorities in order for her sons to make it across the border safely, possibly never seeing them again?

Theme: You can’t win the game unless you play.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s First Pass

What I learned doing this project: To be honest I didn’t have much of a plan going into this. By which I mean I wasn’t totally sure how this story would pan out. It still needs a TON of work but I started visualizing something today and it feels good to just have something even if it isn’t much. The gears are turning. A story is developing. It was a lot of fun to get this started.

LOGLINE: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, only to find out that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

PLOT CHOICE AND SUMMARY: Sacrifice

This plot has a strong moral dilemma at its center. The protagonist is playing for high stakes and a sacrifice must be made at a great personal cost. They should undergo a major transformation during the course of the story, moving from a lower moral state to a higher one, with events forcing their decisions throughout the story.

STRUCTURE:

1. Opening

Buried in debt due to her deadbeat husband’s drinking and gambling, Irma takes what little money she has to buy bus tickets out of their small, Mexican village to Texas where she and her two young boys can start a new life. Meanwhile, a young man named Miguel in El Paso, TX builds a drone.

2. Inciting Incident

When her husband is murdered and her home is burglarized by the bookies/gangsters that he owed money to, the bus tickets are destroyed. No longer feeling safe, she decides to take her sons across the border herself, joining a caravan of migrants. Miguel tests his new drone back in Texas.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

Irma and her sons set out with a small caravan through the Chihuahua Desert. A fleet of drones stealthily records their every move. The one controlling these drones is Frank Kazakowski, an Alt-Right YouTube Pundit, and his production team who are secretly live-streaming the Mexican migration on the dark web. They take bets from viewers to see which immigrant makes it the furthest before they notify the authorities of their location. Miguel is one of these viewers and places bets on several “contestants”. He launches his homemade drone towards the direction of the action.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

When the caravan discovers the drones are following them, many branch out and split up to avoid being captured with the group. Irma reluctantly breaks away from the caravan as she cannot risk being sent back to her village.

5. Mid-Point

As they make their way to Texas, the live-stream projects the odds of the certain individuals that are amongst the caravan as well as those that broke away. Irma was one of these individuals as a drone follows her. After her odds were projected as extremely low, Miguel makes a substantial bet on Irma. Using his homemade drone, he begins to drop off water bottles and some food near their location. Before Irma can object, her youngest son already finishes a bottle of water. When it is clear that it is not contaminated or poisoned, Irma begins to follow the breadcrumbs of water and supplies into safer routes towards Texas.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

After Miguel’s drone is spotted by the live-stream, Frank sends the drone assigned to Irma to follow Miguel’s back to his home in El Paso when it needs to recharge. Miguel catches wind of this and right before revealing his exact location, he kamikaze crashes his drone into the other to take it down. This gives Irma a small window of time to cross the border undetected. But now Miguel is unable to provide any supplies as water is running low.

7. Crisis

Irma’s youngest son slips and falls off of a rock and severely injures his leg. Famished and exhausted, Irma has to carry her youngest son through the desert. Back at Frank’s headquarters, we see X marks over the faces of several “contestants” as money begins to pour in. As the caravan gets closer to the borderline, Frank gives their exact coordinates to the border patrol. Frank’s team also narrows in on Miguel’s home and sends a couple of goons to take him out. With Irma unable to move quickly, the drones find her and Frank makes another call to the border patrol.

8. Climax

As Frank’s goons break into Miguel’s house, security cameras set up in Miguel’s home get clear pictures of the men, as well as a photo of their license plate. After Miguel is nowhere to be found, the goons leave. When Irma hears the buzz of a drone, she tells her eldest to carry his brother and bolt for the border. She runs a different direction to draw the drone away. After a daring attempt to escape capture, all three are caught by authorities.

9. Resolution

Frank scores another big payday, and as the fleet of drones returns to their makeshift runway, he notices that one is different from the others. He realizes that it looks like Miguel’s only spray painted to look like one of his. He also notices that the camera is still on. Suddenly, police arrive at the scene with an arrest warrant for running a gambling operation and conspiracy to murder. The media is also there to expose Frank for his crimes. Meanwhile, Miguel sits safely in an undisclosed location, looking at Frank on a computer screen as he is handcuffed. It is revealed that Miguel tipped off the authorities and provided them with his own his security camera footage as well as his drone footage of the whole ordeal. With all the documentation, Irma’s entire story has gained national attention as she is praised for her sacrifice by liberals and Latin Americans and vilified by the conservatives and Nationalists. There is an outpour of support as Miguel starts an online fundraiser in her behalf… but embezzles some of it to pay back the money he lost betting on her. Irma, now with enough money, buys three bus tickets to California.

4. Tell us the Character Arc of your protagonist and add it to your structure.

Due to poor choices, Irma has always been one to let the others around her dictate her life but after making the most difficult decision she’s ever had to make, she learns to never doubt herself and stay the course even if the odds are against her.

Part to be changed: Irma is penniless in debt to bookies in her small Mexican village.

Biggest fear: Being stuck all her life/ Her two sons growing up in a bad environment.

Completion of arc: Irma finds a way for her and her sons to make it to the US, even if by illegal means.

PLOT IN STRUCTURE: (Incomplete)

OPENING SCENE:

Irma sweeps up the remnants of a shattered piggy bank and tries to piece it back together with urgency. Once she’s finished, she puts a few coins back inside. She then cleans up several cans of beer and puts away crudely handmade toys.

INT. ANDRES AND ANTONIO’S ROOM – DAY

Andres and Antonio come home after school and take notice of their mother placing their piggy bank back. Antonio jokes that he is the man of the house since his parents keep taking his money. Irma says it’s for groceries. Andres tinkers with junk that he found on his way back from school: a small iron pipe and some nylon cord. He grabs some duct tape and makes what looks like a whip.

INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE, EL PASO, TX – DAY

Miguel, a skinny Latino American man, tinkers with spare parts in his kitchen. Some plastic, wiring, wire strippers and small propellers are strewn about. He is soldering pieces together as his elderly mother sits on the couch, drifting off.

EXT. VILLA JUAREZ – DAY

Irma walks over to her neighbors window and asks for a couple of eggs and a handful of rice from her neighbor, Cecilia. Cecelia can’t offer much more and asks what happened to Irma’s chickens. She tells her they’ve been stolen. They fantasize about moving out of the slums. Irma jokes that if she doesn’t gamble, but if she did, the first thing she’d buy with her winnings is a ticket out of there.

INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT

Irma teaches the boys how to cook their meal: fried egg on rice. Diego, her husband, walks in, drunk. He’s angry that they started dinner without him and gets violent with Irma, the boys defend her and scold him for never being around for dinner anyway. She tells the boys to go to bed. She explains to Deigo they have no money due to his drinking and gambling. It is revealed that he sold the chickens and broke into the piggy bank to gamble at the casinos. He leaves.

EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT

Late at night, two shady men knock. Irma answers through the window. The two men are looking for Diego. She tells them that he is probably at the casinos. This does not surprise them and they leave.

EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – DAY

Irma walks the boys. Upon arriving, a teacher greets them. The teacher tells Irma that Andres has been making weapons out of the trash that he finds around the school and hands her a slingshot made from wood and latex rubber tubing. Irma apologizes and takes the makeshift weapon and tells the teacher that she will talk to Andres.

INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – DAY

Miguel is making breakfast spoons-feed his mother who suffers from dementia. On the kitchen table, his science project turns out to be what looks like a drone. In the background, the television blares a conservative news channel. Anchorman, Frank Kozakowski, angrily gripes about the severity of the border crisis. Miguel changes the channel to a classic sitcom, El Chavo Del Ocho. His mother recognizes that opening song and perks up. He smiles as he catches a glimpse of the mother he remembers. He gets back to work on his project.

INT. FACTORY – DAY

Irma works hard at a maquiladora, pressing grommets into denim jeans. This is how she makes a living. Diego shows up to ask for money and causes a scene. Just to get him to leave, she says she can get him more money. Before clocking out, he asks her supervisor if she could get a two month advance on her paycheck. It isn’t much money, so the supervisor approves.

EXT. BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Irma has just enough to buy three tickets to El Paso, TX. But they are non-refundable and in order to get them cheaper, she bought them for a month out.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – EVENING

Irma is about to arrive at her house with her two sons when Cecilia calls out. Her chickens were stolen. Irma feels guilty because she is certain that Diego is the culprit but doesn’t tell Cecilia. Irma is furious.

INT. KITCHEN –

Irma tells her sons to grab their coats. When they leave the room, she goes to case of dominoes from the top of a cupboard. When she opens it, there is a small stack of cash. She puts the bus tickets inside and hides the dominoes case back in the cupboard. When the boys return, they all head to the casino.

INT. MIGUEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Miguel’s mother is sleeping on the couch. Miguel is almost done with his drone. He opens his laptop to test out the camera that he installed. He then looks at his measly bank account online. He then looks at his cryptocurrency portfolio which is not as bad. He then uses a VPN to open a private browser and search for something on the dark web called Wetback Wager. Upon opening it, we see a livestream in night vision of an encampment in the middle of the desert. There are graphics with derogatory nicknames and projected odds. Miguel scrolls through the private chat room to check what looks like statistics.

EXT. CASINO ENTRANCE – NIGHT

The police are at the scene when Irma and her sons arrive. At first she ignores it and tries to enter the casino but is stopped by security. They recognize Irma immediately and tell her that her husband had been attacked. The ambulance had taken him away. She is more mad than concerned.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT

Irma arrives at her house. The boys are exhausted. The notice that the door is ajar.

INT. HOUSE – HIGHT

Upon entering they discover that their home had been ransacked. Irma sees the empty domino case on the floor. The police suddenly arrive. She asks them how they knew she was robbed. They tell her they didn’t. They were there to tell her that her husband died from his injuries.

…

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano Favorite Movie Outline, The Running Man

What I learned doing this assignment: The Running Man is not a great movie. But the concept is pretty cool. Although outdated, if you switch television with a smartphone or tablet, this could be a Black Mirror episode. In fact, with the revival of 80s and 90s sitcoms and movies, as well as the advancement in CGI, I can definitely see a remake of this film getting a greenlight from a production company.

Dramatic Question: Can Ben Richards survive as a contestant on a gladiator game show called The Running Man?

Main Conflict: Ben Richards is framed for shooting at a crowd of innocent protestors and is sentenced to contend on a twisted game show where he has to fight for his survival.

Dilemma: Ben Richards just wants to escape and live on the run but his friends, who are anti-govt. revolutionaries, are in danger because of him, so he must decide whether to help them with their cause or go his own way to survive.

Theme: It’s survival of the fittest in a world brainwashed by television.

OPENING SCRAWL

By 2017 the world economy has collapsed… A police state, divided into paramilitary zones….

Television is controlled by the state… The Running Man has become the most popular program in history…

EXT. SKY — NIGHT

A military helicopter flies by.

INT. HELICOPTER — NIGHT

Three paramilitary police lock and load their assault rifles. Headquarters commands the pilot, Ben Richards, to shoot down a large congregation of protestors. Richards disobeys and headquarters commands the crew to detain him and proceed with the order to kill innocent people. A fight ensues and Richards is apprehended.

EXT. WILSHIRE DETENTION ZONE — DAY

18 months later, a prisoner rolls out the dead body of another inmate. He has to carefully remove an explosive collar before rolling him away on a wheel barrow.

INT. FACTORY — DAY

Prisoners slave away at metalworking. Richards, now with a beard, carries a steel beam as guards watch over them.

EXT. WILSHIRE DETENTION ZONE — DAY

As prisoners load more dead bodies onto a truck, two guards talk about last night’s episode of “The Running Man.” Another guard makes a command to prepare for a transfer of new inmates.

INT. FACTORY — DAY

To allow other inmates to pass the security barrier, a guard must deactivate the Sonic Deadline using an access code. This allows a prisoner to cross the barrier without having their neck collar detonate and kill them. Weiss, another inmate, is close by watching the actions of the prison guard.

EXT. WILSHIRE DETENTION ZONE — DAY

As the perimeter lights turn from red to green, the transfer inmates safely pass through.

INT. FACTORY — DAY

Voice announces that the prisoners’ Restrain Collars have been reactivated. Weiss looks over the shoulder of the guard and gets a glimpse of the access code. Richards notices and stages a fight with another inmate, Laughlin, to distract the guards. The rest of the prisoners use the opportunity to start a prison riot and overpower the guards and take their guns. Weiss gets a hold of the computer that controls the Sonic Deadline but the access code isn’t working. Richards, Laughlin and Weiss head outside for a better signal.

EXT. WILSHIRE DETENTION ZONE — DAY

Access code is still not working. There’s another guard with an identical computer on the other side of the barrier that is blocking Weiss from shutting down the Sonic Deadline. When the automated voice says the deadline is deactivated, Chico, another prisoner makes a break for it but once he passes the barrier, the collar detonates and his head explodes. They finally shoot the guard controlling the other computer and all the surviving prisoners escape.

EXT – LOS ANGELES — NIGHT

Futuristic LA city skyline. Military helicopters hover over the city. A giant tv screen the size of a billboard plays a video of a talking head: “Zone passes are required at all times. Curfew is at midnight. Anyone without a zone pass after curfew will be permanently detained.” Richards, Laughlin and Weiss stealthily sneak into the city.

EXT – SHANTY TOWN – NIGHT

The men, now fugitives, are disguised as normal people and blend into the town. The latest episode of “The Running Man” plays on the giant billboard screen. They meet up with a man named Stevie who takes them into a guarded shack.

INT – SHACK – NIGHT

Inside we meet Mic, a leader of the resistance against government controlled network. He removes the explosive collars from each escaped prisoner and they discuss a plan to shut down the video feed and jam the network to broadcast the truth about the government corruption but they still need to find the uplink and the code to access it. We also find out Richard was framed for the killing of innocent protestors and was dubbed the Butcher of Bakersfield. The other two prisoners argue whether they can trust him. Richards wants no part of their revolution.

EXT – SHANTY TOWN – MORNING

A truck takes workers out of the shantytown and Richards hitches a ride telling the other two men that his brother will take him out of the city and wishes them luck in their revolution.

EXT – NETWORK STUDIO — DAY

Limo rolls up to a cheering crowd. Damon Killian, the gameshow host comes out to greet his adoring fans.

INT – NETWORK HEADQUARTERS — DAY

Damon discusses the stagnant ratings with his assistant. Damon is an asshole.

INT – APT. #305 – DAY

Disguised as a construction worker, Ben Richards enters what he thinks is his brother’s apartment using a security code. Upon entering, there are women’s garments strewn about.

INT – NETWORK OFFICE – DAY

We see the large team of production company employees that work on The Running Man show. A producer tells Damon that the Justice Dept keeps calling and Damon tells him to ignore them.

INT – ROOM 305 – DAY

A woman, Amber, enters and turns on the TV for Captain Freedom’s workout video. He is a 10 time champion “stalker” in The Running Man show. The workout is interrupted by a news bulletin showing video of Ben Richards escaping prison and blaming him for the Bakersfield Massacre. Ben reveals himself to Amber and accuses her of breaking into his brother’s home. She reveals that his brother was taken away for “reeducation.” Ben proclaims his innocence to her but she tries to call for help and they wrestle.

INT. NETWORK OFFICE – DAY

Damon and his team scroll through criminals to pick a prospective contestant. All are duds in Damon’s eyes as he’s hoping to boost the ratings. But when the news bulletin shows Ben Richards in action, Damon is smitten and choose him as his next “runner.” To do this, he has to pull a few strings so he calls the Justice Department.

INT. ROOM 305 – DAY

After Ben ties up Amber, she reveals that she works for the network. She also has a travel pass and Ben comes up with a plan to leave the city by forcing her to accompany him to the airport to fly to Hawaii.

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

Ben and Amber make it past the first line of security before she exposes him to the guards.

Ext. AIRPORT – DAY

Ben gets caught on the runway with a net launcher.

INT. NETWORK OFFICE – DAY

Damon introduces himself to Ben and informs him that is to contend in “The Running Man.” When Ben refuses, he threatens to send his friends, Laughlin and Weiss, who have also been captured. Ben reluctantly abides.

INT. NETWORK LAB – NIGHT

After injecting Ben with some drugs, they put him in a cell and make him sleep using a knockout gas.

INT. APT 305 – NIGHT

As Amber watches TV, the news reports that Ben Richards had been arrested at the airport but only after killing two innocent people. Knowing this was untrue, Amber ponders.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

A studio audience cheers as the lights dazzle and the a team of dancers perform on the studio stage. Lights. Camera. Action.

EXT. SHANTY TOWN – NIGHT

The inner city folks gather around a huge chalkboard with names and odds.

EXT. NETWORK ENTRANCE – NIGHT

Buzzsaw, the show’s number one stalker makes his way through crowd of fans.

INT. HOME(S) – NIGHT

Everyone gathers around the TV to watch the show.

INT. NETWORK – NIGHT

Amber is grabbing a snack with another colleague and sees Ben in handcuffs being escorted down the hallway, on his way to the arena. After seeing him, Amber makes up a phony story to cancel her plans with this colleague and awkwardly walks off.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

Damon introduces Ben to the audience as a special guest and proceeds to push the lie that Ben is the Butcher of Bakersfield. After projecting an altered video that implies Ben is guilty, the crowd boos. A video on screen shows last season’s winners, claiming that contestants can actually win freedom if they survive the show.

INT. NETWORK OFFICE(S) – NIGHT

Amber uses her employee ID card to get past security and she enters a room containing private digital recordings. There she finds evidence that would clear Ben of his crime. She then gets caught by security.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

Even after promising Ben that he wouldn’t, Damon reveals that Laughlin and Weiss will also be competing The Running Man afterall. All three get launched into the arena.

EXT. ARENA – NIGHT

All three men land in the arena.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

Damon asks an audience member to pick the first stalker and she picks Subzero.

EXT. SHANTY TOWN – NIGHT

The crowd is frantic as they gather around the chalkboard and begin placing their bets.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

Professor Subzero is introduced to the audience. Large asian man ice skates and hockey pads armor and his hockey stick is a scythe type weapon that can cut through metal.

EXT. ARENA – NIGHT

The three runners get pushed into the first stage.

INT. NETWORK DRESSING ROOM – NIGHT

Captain Free watches.

INT. FIRST QUAD ARENA – NIGHT

The runners faces off with Subzero in an ice rink. Ben saves his friends and kills Subzero

INT. NETWORk STUDIO – NIGHT

The crowds go silent. Ben calls out Damon on live TV

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

Crowds mourn Subzero.

INT. FIRST QUAD ARENA – NIGHT

The room starts to fill with gas to force the contestants out into the next round.

INT. NETWORK OFFICE – NIGHT

Damon has to explain the death of subzero. Justice dept.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

Buzz saw and dynamo enter the game.

INT. MAKE UP ROOM – NIGHT

Damon’s assistant informs him that the ratings are up 9 pts. And that Amber was caught snooping in the digital video room.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

To keep Amber quiet about her discovery, she is the newest contestant and is sent into the arena. An audience member picks two more Stalkers: Dynamo and Buzzsaw. The former shoots electricity. The latter uses chainsaws as his main weapon.

EXT. ARENA – NIGHT

Weiss discovers that all the network satellites are pointing into the middle of the arena which means that the uplink to the network is probably located there. Weiss and Laughlin head towards that direction with the missing to find the uplink and crack the code in order to jam the network. Ben objects and heads the other direction but eventually follows them reluctantly.

INT. NETWORK CONTROL TOWER

Operators communicate with stalkers on the location of the contestants.

INT. NETWORK DRESSING ROOM – NIGHT

Fireball, a retired stalker, is called to wardrobe. He vows to win in honor of Subzero.

EXT. ARENA – NIGHT

The three men head towards the uplink and run into Amber. In come Dynamo and Buzzsaw. Laughlin and Richards head one way and Buzzsaw follows. Weiss and Amber go another way and Dynamo follows them.

EXT. SHANTY TOWN – NIGHT

More people place bets.

EXT. ARENA – NIGHT

Amber and weisse head toward the uplink. Amber is afraid of getting caught. Weiss is determined to jam the feed.

INT. SECOND QUAD – NIGHT

Richards and Laughlin enter an empty, dark warehouse to take on Buzzsaw. Buzz injures Laughlin but Richards is able to take him down.

EXT. UPLINK BUILDING – NIGHT

Weisse and Amber make it inside the building where the uplink is located and find the uplink interface to decode it .

INT. SECOND QUAD – NIGHT

Richards kills buzzsaw to the dismay of the audience.

INT. UPLINK BUILDING – NIGHT

Weisse has Amber memorize the code. Dynamo suddenly kills Weisse.

EXT. ARENA – NIGHT

Dynamo captures amber. Richards takes him on. Dynamo is trapped and incapacitated. Richards spares his life stating that he would not kill a helpless human being.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

The crowd boos when he doesn’t kill dynamo. Fireball, a retired Stalker, is called to wardrobe.

INT. SECOND QUAD – NIGHT

Laughlin is mortally wounded. Ben is the last surviving inmate. Damon goes on screen to offer Ben a job as a full-time stalker. Ben rejects the offer and vows to kill Damon.

INT. NETWORK OFFICE – NIGHT

The Attorney General calls Damon. All employees leave. Seems important.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

Crowd cheers for Fireball and erupts as he enters the stage. Damon asks a contestant she thinks will make the next kill. To everyone’s surprise, she picks Ben Richards.

EXT. SHANTY TOWN – NIGHT

When the people see Agnes pick Ben Richards, several of them start betting on ben. Odds are 100-1.

EXT. ARENA – NIGHT

Fireball goes after ben and amber

INT. THIRD QUAD – NIGHT

Ben has a hard time taking on Fireball. Amber and Ben are separated. Amber discovers the bodies of Whitman, Price and Haddad who were supposed winners of the Running man competition revealing that no one gets out of the arena alive. Right when Fireball is about to torch amber, Ben Richards kills him.

REACTIONS

Shanty town cheers

Studio is speechless

Control tower is scared

INT. CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

Captian Freedom enters stating he won’t fight with gadgets and weapons. Damon is angry that everyone is betting on Richards to win and he kicks Freedom out of the control room.

EXT. ARENA – NIGHT

Looking for the uplink, Amber and Ben are suddenly trapped.

INT. CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

With the use of stunt doubles and computer graphics, Tony digitally edits a fight to make it look like Ben Richards is fighting Captain Freedom.

EXT. ARENA – NIGHT

With no stalkers around, Ben and Amber are rescued by Mic and his army of rebels. They are taken to the secret headquarters of the resistance. From there they watch the fake fight between Captain Freedom and Ben. In the computer generated version, Ben is killed.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

Ben has a change of heart and decides to help the resistance. Now that Amber has the uplink code and then reveals she was hiding the original video of the Bakersfield Massacre, Mic can take over the feed and play the unedited video to not only prove Ben’s innocence but also reveal the corruption of the network.

INT. RESISTANCE HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT

Airs the dead bodies of the so-called winners and plays the original helicopter footage.

INT. CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

Platoon of rebels commandeers the control room.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

The crowd turns on Damon. Ben shows up with a squad of rebels and there’s a shootout. Amber runs into dynamo. In a scuffle, Amber shoots the sprinkler system, electrocuting dynamo.

Ben and his team win the shootout. Viewers at home everywhere are captivated. Damon admits the brainwashing of television and how ratings were the most important thing. Ben shoves Damon into the pod and shoots him into the arena which launches him to his death.

EXT. SHANTY TOWN – NIGHT

The crowd cheers and chants his name, BEN RICHARDS. He is a hero.

INT. NETWORK STUDIO – NIGHT

Amber meets up with Ben for a passionate kiss. The screen says stand by. No more propaganda.

The End.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Pablo Soriano.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Basic Structure

What I learned doing this assignment: I learned that I didn’t have a clear idea of how the story would play out. I still don’t really. But this forced me to come up with a step by step story structure. I really had to sit and think about what happens next. I may very well come back and change things, but this feels like a decent start.

1. Opening

Buried in debt due to her deadbeat husband’s drinking and gambling, Irma takes what little money she has to buy bus tickets out of their small, Mexican village to Texas where she and her two young boys can start a new life. Meanwhile, a young man named Miguel in El Paso, TX builds a drone.

2. Inciting Incident

When her husband is murdered and her home is burglarized by the bookies/gangsters that he owed money to, the bus tickets are destroyed. No longer feeling safe, she decides to take her sons across the border herself, joining a caravan of migrants. Miguel tests his new drone back in Texas.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

Irma and her sons set out with a small caravan through the Chihuahua Desert. A fleet of drones stealthily records their every move. The one controlling these drones is Frank Kazakowski, an Alt-Right YouTube Pundit, and his production team who are secretly live-streaming the Mexican migration on the dark web. They take bets from viewers to see which immigrant makes it the furthest before they notify the authorities of their location. Miguel is one of these viewers and places bets on several “contestants”. He launches his homemade drone towards the direction of the action.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

When the caravan discovers the drones are following them, many branch out and split up to avoid being captured with the group. Irma reluctantly breaks away from the caravan as she cannot risk being sent back to her village.

5. Mid-Point

As they make their way to Texas, the live-stream projects the odds of the certain individuals that are amongst the caravan as well as those that broke away. Irma was one of these individuals as a drone follows her. After her odds were projected as extremely low, Miguel makes a substantial bet on Irma. Using his homemade drone, he begins to drop off water bottles and some food near their location. Before Irma can object, her youngest son already finishes a bottle of water. When it is clear that it is not contaminated or poisoned, Irma begins to follow the breadcrumbs of water and supplies into safer routes towards Texas.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

After Miguel’s drone is spotted by the live-stream, Frank sends the drone assigned to Irma to follow Miguel’s back to his home in El Paso when it needs to recharge. Miguel catches wind of this and right before revealing his exact location, he kamikaze crashes his drone into the other to take it down. This gives Irma a small window of time to cross the border undetected. But now Miguel is unable to provide any supplies as water is running low.

7. Crisis

Irma’s youngest son slips and falls off of a rock and severely injures his leg. Famished and exhausted, Irma has to carry her youngest son through the desert. Back at Frank’s headquarters, we see X marks over the faces of several “contestants” as money begins to pour in. As the caravan gets closer to the borderline, Frank gives their exact coordinates to the border patrol. Frank’s team also narrows in on Miguel’s home and sends a couple of goons to take him out. With Irma unable to move quickly, the drones find her and Frank makes another call to the border patrol.

8. Climax

As Frank’s goons break into Miguel’s house, security cameras set up in Miguel’s home get clear pictures of the men, as well as a photo of their license plate. After Miguel is nowhere to be found, the goons leave. When Irma hears the buzz of a drone, she tells her eldest to carry his brother and bolt for the border. She runs a different direction to draw the drone away. After a daring attempt to escape capture, all three are caught by authorities.

9. Resolution

Frank scores another big payday, and as the fleet of drones returns to their makeshift runway, he notices that one is different from the others. He realizes that it looks like Miguel’s only spray painted to look like one of his. He also notices that the camera is still on. Suddenly, police arrive at the scene with an arrest warrant for running a gambling operation and conspiracy to murder. The media is also there to expose Frank for his crimes. Meanwhile, Miguel sits safely in an undisclosed location, looking at Frank on a computer screen as he is handcuffed. It is revealed that Miguel tipped off the authorities and provided them with his own his security camera footage as well as his drone footage of the whole ordeal. With all the documentation, Irma’s entire story has gained national attention as she is praised for her sacrifice by liberals and Latin Americans and vilified by the conservatives and Nationalists. There is an outpour of support as Miguel starts an online fundraiser in her behalf… but embezzles some of it to pay back the money he lost betting on her. Irma, now with enough money, buys three bus tickets to California.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano’s Necessary Questions

What I learned doing this assignment: The real definition of a dilemma and having your main character lose something of great importance to gain something else. I’ll have to do this for all my future protagonists. Seems obvious enough, but I didn’t realize it until we did these last couple of assignments.

Concept: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when a drone begins to drop off food and supplies, only to find out that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

Dramatic Question: Can Irma take her two sons safely across the Chihuahua Desert to the US for the opportunity of a better life?

Main Conflict: With the use of drones, a group of alt-right extremists create a gambling game show on the dark web where they live-stream illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border and ultimately inform the border patrol of the migrants’ location — Irma and her sons are the show’s newest “contestants.”

Dilemma: As one of the drones begins to provide food and water, Irma must decide whether to trust this mysterious Samaritan or take down the drones and risk getting caught in order to help her sons make it to the US safely.

Theme: The chance at the “American Dream” may not be worth the gamble.

Or

The American Dream is an ideal we take for granted.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano Dramatic Plots 2

What I learned doing this assignment: By changing the plot slightly, you can discover hidden layers to your story. These new examples (Metamorphosis, Maturation, Transformation, Discovery) are more about the protagonist than the narrative itself. It’s like a story within a story. I also learned that you don’t always have to go from A to B when it comes to conflict and resolution. It might turn out that you actually need to go from A to Z for the character to learn, grow and succeed. Or even fail. Sacrifice, Wretched Excess and Descension are good examples of how a good story/ending isn’t always “happily ever after.” I think that because there are so many ways to tell your story, you might actually discover a breakthrough just by changing the plot.

Concept: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when drones begin to drop off food and supplies, only to find out that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

Sacrifice

Irma, a Mexican mother of two young boys, helps to lead a migrant caravan through the desert to the United States. When she discovers that they are being watched and followed by drones, she forms a small team of scouts to take down these machines and find out their purpose. Little do they know that they are all being televised on the dark web for a twisted game show where racist Americans place bets on their success. Knowing that they risk capture and deportation for the sake of the caravan, Irma leaves her sons and sets out to clear a safe passage to give them a sliver of a chance to cross the border safely.

Ascension

Irma, a young, Catholic Mexican woman is pregnant out of wedlock with her first child. Against her family’s wishes, she decides to leave her abusive, gangster boyfriend to give her baby a better life in the states. She barely escapes his clutches and joins a group of migrants with a mission to sneak across the border. But when mysterious drones seem to be following them, the group splits up to avoid all being captured by whomever is surveilling them and she is forced to make the trek alone. Her only hope is another drone that she calls her “guardian angel,” that brings her food and water and seems to guide her to safe passage. Can she trust this unknown ally? Or is she walking into a trap that takes her back to the life she tried to escape?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Pablo Soriano.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano Dramatic Plots 1

What I learned doing this assignment: My concept can easily fall under more than one plot category. There are certain aspects from Escape or even from Riddle that I could integrate into the story. But I do understand why focusing on a single plot will help me develop an outline that will be more linear and structured. So I dwindled it down to these two and honestly it probably falls more towards Underdog. It was fun and very helpful to once again modify the concept even further by changing the plot theme. Any concept can adapt and evolve into something better.

Concept: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when drones begin to drop off food and supplies, only to find out that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

Pursuit

With the border patrol right at their heels, a small Mexican family must rely on a mysterious drone to guide them to the United States through the perilous terrain and the unforgiving conditions of the Chihuahua Desert. But after more drones begin to appear, they realize that they’ve been under surveillance the entire time and fear that this unknown ally might have an ulterior motive.

Underdog

A Mexican family attempting to cross the border become unwilling game show contestants as they are live-streamed on the dark web though a journey filled with natural hazards and man-made booby traps. Viewers place bets on their success, but all the odds are stacked against them.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Pablo Soriano.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Pablo Soriano.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Pablo Soriano.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano Character Structure

What I learned doing this assignment: Well, for one. I learned how much I missed being creative and brainstorming. The tips were very helpful, but eventually I got eager to start developing the actual story. And secondly, I learned that my character structure might be challenging with the concept I chose. My antagonist is similar to Christof (Ed Harris) in The Truman Show and in this digital age that we live in, it’s not uncommon for friends as well as enemies to never actually meet in person. So I’m already thinking of how I will portray these characters and what ways they will interact with each other.

1. Concept: A Mexican family attempting to sneak across the border think they have a guardian angel when drones begin to drop off food and supplies, only to find out that they are being televised on the dark web as Americans place bets on their success and are simply trying to give them the advantage for their own gain.

Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle (Thriller)

A. Irma Escandon, Mexican mother of two young boys, is taking her family across the desert to the United States of America, determined to give them a better life.

B. Frank Kazakowski is a conservative radio show host on the internet that runs and produces a secret gambling ring that televises illegal immigrants attempting to cross the border.

C. Miguel is a tech-savvy gamer that has placed a substantial bet on the Escandon family to safely cross the border and finds a way to increase his chances by providing aid using a drone, essentially cheating in order to win.

Irma, a young mother and our protagonist, is attempting to take her small family through the hot and desolate Chihuahua Desert in order to start a new life in the United States. Little do they know, they are the contestants of a sick game show on the dark web. As they trek through treacherous terrain, they are filmed by drones and hidden cameras all for the sake of entertainment as Americans place bets on whether the family succeeds or fails to cross the border.

Our antagonist and the man calling the shots, is Frank, an alt-right conservative youtube pundit, who has a hidden website on the darknet where he livestreams the program and projects the odds as viewers buy in. A young Latino man in El Paso named Miguel tunes in and makes a wager that the family will “win” but does so with the intention of cheating by using his own drone to provide supplies and guide them to safe passage. However, when Frank’s team notices Miguel’s drone, they use the same method in the attempt to lead the family astray. This is when Irma realizes that they are being watched and must use clues left by Miguel to make the right decisions lest they get caught by the border patrol or worse.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Pablo Soriano.

[Pablo Soriano]

Deleted

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Pablo Soriano.

[Pablo Soriano]

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Pablo Soriano]

What I learned:

1. Posting is networking. I always figured posting, in general, is just keeping people updated with your progress/status, etc. But posting your work is really putting your banner up. It lets people know who you are and what you’re about. Better your chances to form partnerships with others and create future projects.

2. Skills are the top priority. The script comes second. It’s about learning the skills for writing anytime. Focus on learning instead of content.

3. Kaizen – Constant Improvement. Small increments of progress will compound over time to create big results.

4. Breakthroughs. Discover parts of your screenplay that were missing. You must step outside of your comfort zone to be able to accomplish this. We are all constantly learning.

5. Healthy Identity. Drop the “starving artist” bit. It’s not doing you any favors. I am a creative soul!

6. Myth: Formatting is very important. Really? Wish I knew that years ago. I took a screenwriting class at SFSU with Joseph Mcbride. He wrote the screenplay for Rock n’ Roll High School and several biographies of filmmakers. He was a such stickler when it came to formatting. God bless him. I got a B+.

7. Use the easy way. Pick the easiest things to fix first. Ride the horse in the direction it’s going.

8. If Katheryn/Orlanda/Reginald/SU Alumni can do it, I can do it. It’s good to remind yourself that you are just as capable of success as anyone else.

[Pablo Soriano]

1. Pablo Soriano

2. I’ve only written two short films and I’m currently working on my first feature-length script.

3. I have a million movie ideas but I have never really taken the time to put them on paper. Now that I do have the time, I want to be certain that I do it well/correctly. I’m taking this class to learn the proper format and structure of a professional-grade screenplay.

4. I started cracking my knuckles at a young age. I learned to crack pretty much every moving joint in my body including my wrists, eblows and shoulders. I once counted 70 cracks in one sitting.

[Pablo Soriano]

Pablo Soriano

I agree to the terms of this release form.

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Pablo Soriano]

Hi, Jodi.

First and foremost, this title is so, so good. I think once the producer finishes the synopsis, the title itself could be its own hook.

Ok. “Short and sweet” would not be the right expression here… Quick and precise. I have very little experience, but this feels like a solid query letter. While your very first line (Inspired by real events) is not exactly a hook, it works as a disclaimer which can definitely add intrigue. Much like “Viewer discretion is advised.” And then you mention “Nazism” and it’s immediately interesting.

This is succinct and full of hooks. Each paragraph is only three sentences and Pam gets two solid lines to convey everything you need to know about her. It’s a clever format.

Good use of vocabulary to make this very compelling. My favorite is the alliteration “theft ring retribution”.

No critiques here. You’ve clearly put in the work as this is looking very polished. I will use your query letter as a template to help with my next draft.

Thanks again for your input.

[Pablo Soriano]

Amy! So sorry for the delay.

I agree that integrating the hooks while ensuring the story makes sense is quite the challenge. What your query letter lacks in hooks, it makes up for in a fluid synopsis. I was able to read it once to get the whole picture.

Your strongest hook is the first question: What would you do? Stepping back into your own life when everyone thought you were dead/missing would be surreal. Kind of like The Blip in the Marvel Cinematic Universe or when Chuck is rescued after four years on an island in Cast Away. How would one fall back in the groove of things?

The synopsis is a smidge long. And if I’m being honest here, I don’t love the idea of Meagan being the antagonist. Seeing as how Andrea was already neglecting her family to begin with, losing a year seemed like punishment for that neglect. I saw Andrea as her own enemy, much like Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. Like Scrooge, she bounces around at different points of her past, then the future, and then she magically jumps back to 2022 (which I don’t totally understand btw), she learns a valuable lesson and gets that second chance to make up for lost time. “Merry Christmas! Everyone!” But I guess that is neither here nor there as that would entail rewriting your entire screenplay. So back to the query letter…

There is some fat you can trim as there are some unnecessary bits and redundancies in your synopsis. For example, you use “sucked into” and you mention that it had been a year twice in the first paragraph. There are sentences you can combine to move this along a bit quicker.

“Andrea Richards is a local reporter who continuously neglects her family due to her sole ambition of working for the network. On the day the university’s new supercollider goes into operation, Andrea is there to cover the story. She accidentally gets sucked into the machine and goes traveling through time to different points in her past. When she finally pops back out, she finds herself alone in the science lab and soon realizes that she’s been missing for an entire year. In that time, her husband has become engaged to Meagan, the teaching assistant who was present on the day she disappeared.”

As you can see I changed very little in that first paragraph. All I really did was delete. And while I did take out the names of some key characters, it focuses on your two most important characters: Andrea and Meagan, the protagonist and antagonist. I would advise that you continue to cut out unnecessary sentences and combine some of parts of the story in order to cut to the chase. Another example is the phrase “torn between” which you use twice as Andrea tries to find the balance between work and family. I’m certain you find a way to say that only once. Of course, it is your letter and you will make any edits as you see fit.

Forgive me if I’ve stepped too far in suggesting this change, but I do believe it does help create more intrigue given the lack of hooks. This is the conundrum I’m facing with my query letter as well.

Hope this helps. And thanks again.

[Pablo Soriano]

Hi, Amy. A little last minute. But would you like to exchange feedback? Mine needs help.

[Pablo Soriano]

Hi Julia. Thank you for your helpful feedback. Apologies for the delay.

You are absolutely correct that I really need to do Hal’s Hook exercise. It was much more difficult than I anticipated. My query letter is far too narrative and dull.

You have a very elaborate concept. I’m intrigued as this world you are creating, while not overly far-fetched, is vast and the narrative spans entire lifetimes.

However, it is a bit confusing. I had to reread it a couple of times. I have to assume that a producer would not bother to read it again. It should strike on the first go.

Right off the bat, you introduce three characters and their roles/occupations, two obscure organizations, and the three major neurodegenerative disorders. It’s a lot to take in. You can elaborate further within your query. Your first hook probably could be streamlined.

Example: What happens when Jake La Roche, a fitness professional, is forced to make friends with BB/Betty a murderous psychopath and Ibrahim, the head of a corrupt mega-corporation, to get their non-profit to save him and his parents from a genetic terminal illness?

It’s essentially the same sentence but I trimmed it to read more quickly. You can convey the details later.

As for the synopsis, it has plenty of hooks. Every character is either sacrificing something or committing an evil act to obtain what they want or need. You are jumping from 2020 to 2040 for each of their stories but I think you do a good job of keeping it brief. My one critique is the redundancy of the two words “so much”. Ibrahim wants power so much… Boat Bob wants so much to hide… Litonya wants so much to save the Earth… These sentences are consecutive. When you rewrite this, as you already planned to, it would be wise to use a thesaurus. Ibrahim is so hungry for power… Boat bob is desperate to hide and recover… Litonya’s intensely devout mission to save the Earth drives her to kill her father for fracking.

Hope this helps. And thanks again.

[Pablo Soriano]

Hi, Julia. Would you like to exchange feedback. I could use some help.

[Pablo Soriano]

Jodi, so sorry for the late reply. This was SUPER helpful. I’ll be sure to return the favor by today.

[Pablo Soriano]

Take your time. No rush. I’m still tweaking it a bit.

That’s a great bit of insight of leaving nuggets for the actor. It’s a good idea.

I see what you trying to do with the suicide thing. Intent… Makes me wonder if Vampires actually have some greater, overall purpose. So they aren’t allowed to call it quits. Maybe it’s why they aren’t necessarily immortal, just “undead.” Like they can’t move on to the next life until they accomplish some inconceivable goal or complete their centuries of servitude to a higher Vampire or to the Vampire “movement” or something… in order to break their curse. I don’t know, now the gears in my head are turning…

I’ve read somewhere that the tongue is one of the fastest healing parts of the body. I pray for an even speedier recovery. Hope you feel better soon.

[Pablo Soriano]

Hi Michelle,

I’ve posted my notes of your first ten pages on the Day 7 Assignment forum. Sorry for the delay. Hope you find it helpful.

[Pablo Soriano]

Of course. Apologies for the late reply.

[Pablo Soriano]

Thanks so much, John. Sorry for the delay. I’ll get back to you on your outline by tonight.

[Pablo Soriano]

Let’s do it!

[Pablo Soriano]

Sorry for the late response. I’ve already hit my quota but I’m always up for more feedback. I’m a bit behind but I can possibly get something back to you by tomorrow. Would that be ok?

[Pablo Soriano]

Agreed. Irma needs to be running from something and not just towards something. I was toying with the idea of booby traps and stalkers/hunters but I wanted this to be somewhat realistic not a new rendition of The Hunger Games or The Running Man. But I think you are right that Frank needs more of an influence on the game itself. Like an ace up his sleeve that he can use to up the ante. Originally, I just had Frank take a page from Miguel’s book and use drones with food and water to try to lure Irma away from safe passage. But that’s boring. Maybe the bookies/gangsters are in cahoots with Frank or they have some line of communication. This was a suggestion I got from Quincy Cooke and I think it’s a good one. Maybe the bookies get a fee if they inform Frank of any leads on a caravan. And they specifically want Irma to get caught so she can pay off her dead husbands debts. Maybe they are on the chase too. But I really like your suggestion of Frank really not wanting to “lose.” A overly competitive villain. It’s a character flaw that could lead to his downfall. I’ll test some of these ideas out.

Thanks for your input, Jim. I’m all ears when it comes to suggestions and criticism.

[Pablo Soriano]

Hi, Julia. Thank you for your kind words. I completely agree that both the theme and the dilemma of my concept need a bit of tweaking. I’ll keep working on it.

So let’s discuss your idea. This is definitely ambitious. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to adapt a novel into a screenplay. And this story has several layers to it. So let’s talk about what works and what might need work.

I very much like the theme: Fate Vs. Will. Life is filled with powerful outside influences beyond our control. Call it fate or destiny, but as much as we’d like to think we have control over our own lives (and for the most part we do), things like aging or even environmental catastrophe remind us that some choices are made for us. And you could say that life is a delicate balance between the two. Fate brings you opportunities, and Will determines whether or not you take them. Fate is the destiny that is pre-planned for you, but it’s up to you to do something with it. That’s deep. It’s a good theme.

You’ve built an entire world here. And fleshed out your characters. I envy you for that since I’m still putting the pieces of my world together. There’s a good character dynamic in that everyone brings something to the table. Bobby->Betty brings much, much more to the table since they are an extremely complex character. They immediately make the story interesting. Their path is not just a windy road but a loop-the-loop roller coaster ride.

But you said it yourself. This is quite a labyrinth. I have to admit, it was a bit hard for me to follow. You have a number of other characters outside of the main four that I can only assume are integral parts of the actual novel. But you’ll only have 120 pages maximum to hand this off as a screenplay to a producer. And Bobby’s transition to Betty alone deserves a lot of screen time. You’re a writer so you’ve heard this a million times before: Kill your darlings. I encourage you to streamline this story a bit. Maybe even make separate outlines for each character first and then cut and suture parts together to make this work. You can add all the nuance and depth later when you actually start writing the script. I’m sure you know all this already which is why you are taking the class. But just for the sake of the outline portion of this course, I’d advise you to cut the fat and sprinkle in the parts you truly love to see if it still fits. I think you’ll know what’s worth keeping and what’s not. It’s one of the hardest parts of writing though, am I right?

[Pablo Soriano]

Great. Just sent you a message with my thoughts.

[Pablo Soriano]

Hey, Richard. I sent you a message with my input late last night. Just an FYI.

[Pablo Soriano]

I know. The dilemma is weak. And the risk of her losing her sons only happens towards the end. It doesn’t work its way into the story that well.

I wonder if would be better if the bookies/gangsters threaten to take her sons to work for them in order pay off her late husband’s debts? Or she would have to? It would give her even more motivation to get the hell out of there. And then the entire thing would be about Irma protecting her children. All the way up to when she splits from them to lure the drone away. What do you think?

I’m not that happy with the resolution either. It will come to me.

I’ll keep working on it. Thanks for the input.

[Pablo Soriano]

Hi, Julia. Would you mind if I provided some feedback?

[Pablo Soriano]

Hi, Richard. Would it be alright with you if I gave you some of my thoughts on your 1st version?

[Pablo Soriano]

Hi Quincy. I’d love to give you my two cents on your idea. Would that be alright?

[Pablo Soriano]

Of course, John. I’ll take all the help I can get. This idea definitely needs some tweaking. Please and thank you.

[Pablo Soriano]

Fair enough. I also loved it as a kid. But it didn’t age well for me in comparison to Arnolds other early Sci-Fi Action films (nothing beats Total Recall IMO). The Running Man was definitely entertaining and I loved that it didn’t take itself too seriously. And like I said, the concept is definitely interesting. I liked the film enough to use it as a reference point for my own screenplay for this class. But yeah, as fun as this film was, there were times I couldn’t help but cringe. I’ll say it isn’t a great instead of saying it isn’t good. Although, I’m sure many will disagree with me on that as well.