Patricia Brown
Forum Replies Created
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SECOND DRAFT
INT. RUSTIC CABIN – NIGHT
The door creaks open, pushed by the sleet-laden wind. It rebounds, only stopped by a massive Mukluk-laden foot.
TRENT DU MAURIER, (50s) high-spirited savvy hunting guide carries in an armload of wood.
ROBERT TRELLIS, (40s) LL Bean catalog woodsman grabs several logs before they tumble to the floor. He carts them over to the unlit fireplace.
The logs are laid out like a staged setting, no tinder underneath to start the flame.
ROBERT
Stupid wood won’t burn. Guy who sold it to you probably cut it down last month.
TRENT
Wouldn’t put it past him to shortchange me. Here, let me.
Trent sets the rest of the wood down and rearranges the wood. He peels a few shavings off a pine log and lays them under the bigger logs.
He soon has a fire blazing.
As he strips off his outer clothes Robert’s anticipation almost has him vibrating with excitement. Finally, he can’t wait anymore.
ROBERT
Well? What did you find?
Trent pours himself a coffee from an electric coffee maker.
TRENT
It’s there like I thought it was. Just not where I thought it was.
ROBERT
What do you mean? I told you where it came down. They tried to hide it, but I found out anyway.
(suspicious)
So where was it?
TRENT
About five degrees northwest of where they told you it was.
ROBERT
I told you they were hiding it! So what does that mean?
TRENT
Means we have to go to Dunpass in the morning to get some pack animals and more supplies. It will take us at least four days to reach the site.
ROBERT
And how much is this going to cost?
TRENT
We can probably do everything for another grand.
ROBERT
A grand?
TRENT
You’re good for it, right? All my dough’s locked up in that Palmdale deal. Besides after this, we’ll both be so stinking rich even Elon’ll be coming to us for loans.
ROBERT
Right. Right.
TRENT
Where’s that bottle you brought? I need a drop right now.
ROBERT
Sure. We could both use a drink.
Trent retrieves a bottle of Canadian whiskey from his backpack, pours drinks, and savors his while covertly watching Robert.
Keeps the bottle label toward him.
TRENT
Sorry, no fancy glassware up here.
Robert raises his cup.
ROBERT
Congrats on your future find.
Trent touches his cup to Robert’s.
TRENT
And riches.
ROBERT
That was slick, figuring out where it came down and taking a chance. You’ll be well rewarded.
Trent preens.
TRENT
Couldn’t have done it without you.
ROBERT
(demures)
I don’t so much find things as I fall into them, well at least I can still do this.
He adds another piece of wood to the fire.
TRENT
Professor Roxbury needs to be brought down a peg or two. He liked his female students too much if you ask me.
ROBERT
Didn’t he used to work with undergrads then leave their names off the papers?
TRENT
Where did you hear that?
Robert grins.
ROBERT
After you contacted me I had to find out about your real intentions. I’ve run into alien hunters before. Most are fools.
Trent rears back, disturbed.
ROBERT
Oh, I don’t mean you. Your sincerity is quite believable.
Trent nods, mollified.
TRENT
Professor Roxbury preyed on many young women. If they complained he got them black-balled.
ROBERT
And if they kept their noses clean they’d have nothing to worry about, right? Do you know who owns this place?
TRENT
I thought you did?
TRENT
I have a minor share in it. We bring hunting parties up here. Speaking of parties.
He punches Trent in the arm.
ROBERT
Oughtta see some of the broads we get to join us. Wowza.
He smacks his lips.
ROBERT
I ever tell you about Ginger Hawley?
TRENT
The actress?
ROBERT
There’s a sex tape of her and three hookers she picked up in Harlem.
TRENT
I don’t believe it. She’s part of that big Southern Baptist church in Macon, Georgia.
ROBERT
Believe it. I got hold of a copy and sold it to the National Enquirer. Hoity-toity miss angel-face is going to be shitting bricks this time next week.
TRENT
That’s not nice.
ROBERT
That’s what I said when I saw it.
Trent forces a laugh.
TRENT
You going to sell this story to them?
ROBERT
Selling it to whoever gives me top dollar. Don’t tell me you’re not going to make big bucks off it. Write another best seller about aliens coming to Earth.
TRENT
I’m doing it for science. All my life they called me a liar. Said I made it all up. All my proof. Well, this time I’m bringing them proof they can’t deny.
Robert tops up Trent’s drink. Trent is drinking heavily.
ROBERT
You really think there are aliens right here as we speak?
TRENT
Yes! And they’re infiltrating our governments and the military.
ROBERT
You still got that thing you showed me? The whatchamacallit you said was from a spaceship.
TRENT
Sure. I always keep it with me. I don’t trust them not to try to find it and take it from me.
Robert pours more whiskey for Trent who keeps tossing back the booze. Robert’s not drinking now. He leans forward.
ROBERT
Show it to me?
TRENT
Thought I did already.
ROBERT
You did. I want to see it again. Tell me again how you ignored all the experts and figured out all by yourself what it really was.
Trent puffs up. Proud.
TRENT
Come on. It’s in my bag.
He struggles to his feet and weaves his way into his bedroom. Robert follows.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Robert shuts the door behind them.
Trent pulls his backpack off the bed and opens it. He takes out something wrapped in soft chamois clothes and unwraps it.
He holds a multi-faceted crystal about the size of his head up in wonderment. A SOFT HUM fills the silence, broken only by the sound of wind outside.
The crystal glows with pulsing light that dances across the various facets, fast, then slow then in hypnotic waves.
Trent is mesmerized.
TRENT
It’s never done that before.
From behind him, unseen, Robert speaks. His voice has changed pitch, grown deeper.
ROBERT (O.S.)
No? I guess that’s because it knows it’s almost home.
TRENT
What–?
Trent turns to find Robert has morphed into a legless slug-like creature with mottled skin and bulging chameleon eyes.
Four arms with clawed fingers reach out to take the Robert artifact from Trent.
One hand folds into a fist and swings at Trent’s chin. His head snaps back and his glasses fly off.
TRENT
The fuck!
Trent strikes back, but his fists sink harmlessly into the soft flesh. He has to struggle to free it.
Meanwhile, Robert punches him again, breaking his nose. Trent cries out.
ROBERT
If you hadn’t got so close we would have let you alone. But you were too close. We can’t let you stop us now.
Now all four arms are swinging, battering at Trent’s unresisting flesh.
The crystal floats into the middle of the room, it’s strobing light playing over the cold brutality.
ROBERT
I’ve been up here watching over it. Waiting for this so I could stop it. Stop you and your meddling kind.
Trent crashes to the floor. He lies still.
His open dead eyes reflect flames climbing the walls of the cabin. The SNAP and POP of a growing fire fill the silence.
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First draft
INT. RUSTIC CABIN – NIGHT
The door crashes open pushed by the rain-laden wind. It rebounds, only stopped by a massive foot.
TRENT DU MAURIER, (50s) high-spirited savvy hunting guide carries in an armload of wood.
ROBERT TRELLIS, (40s) LL Bean catalog woodsman grabs several logs before they tumble to the floor. He carts them over to the fireplace he tried to start earlier.
The logs are laid out like a stage setting, no tinder underneath to hold the flame.
ROBERT
Stupid wood won’t burn. Guy who sold it to you probably cut it down last month.
TRENT
Nah, Jerry’d never do something that lowdown. Here, let me.
Trent sets the rest of the wood down and rearranges the wood. He peels a few shavings off a pine log and lays them under the bigger logs.
He soon has a fire blazing.
As he strips off his outer clothes Robert’s anticipation almost has him vibrating with excitement. Finally, he can’t wait anymore.
ROBERT
Well? What did you find?
Trent pours himself a coffee.
TRENT
It’s there, like I thought it was. Just not where I thought it was.
ROBERT
What do you mean? I told you where it came down. They tried to hide it, but I found out anyway.
(suspicious)
So where was it?
TRENT
About five degrees northwest of where they told you it was.
ROBERT
I told you they were hiding it! So what does that mean?
TRENT
Means we have to go to Dunpass in the morning to get some pack animals and more supplies. It will take us at least four days to reach the site.
ROBERT
Damn. I was supposed to meet Ginger at the Polo Room on Tuesday. And how much is this going to cost?
TRENT
We can probably do everything for another grand.
ROBERT
A grand?
TRENT
You’re good for it, right? All my dough’s locked up in that Palmdale deal. Besides after this, we’ll both be so stinking rich even Elon’ll be coming to us for loans.
ROBERT
Right. Right.
(looks pensive)
Where’s that bottle you brought? I need a drop of medicine right now.
TRENT
Sure. We could both use a drink.
Trent retrieves a bottle of Canadian whiskey from his backpack and fills two tin cups.
TRENT
Sorry, no fancy glassware up here.
ROBERT
Whose is this place?
TRENT
Associate of mine. We bring hunting parties up here. Speaking of parties.
He punches Robert in the arm.
TRENT
Oughtta see some of the broads we get to join us. Wowza.
He smacks his lips.
ROBERT
I ever tell you about Ginger Hawley?
TRENT
The actress?
ROBERT
That’s the Ginger you’re talking about? I heard things about her. There’s a sex tape of her and three hookers she picked up in Harlem.
TRENT
I don’t believe it. She’s part of that big Southern Baptist church in Macon, Georgia.
ROBERT
Believe it. I got hold of a copy and sold it to the National Enquirer. Hoity-toity miss angel-face is going to be shitting bricks this time next week.
TRENT
That’s not nice.
ROBERT
That’s what I said when I saw it.
Trent forces a laugh.
TRENT
You going to sell this story to them?
ROBERT
Selling it to whoever gives me top dollar. Don’t tell me you’re not going to make big bucks off it. Write another best seller about aliens coming to Earth.
TRENT
I’m doing it for science. All my life they called me a liar. Said I made it all up. All my proof. Well, this time I’m bringing them proof they can’t deny.
Robert tops up Trent’s drink. Trent is drinking heavily.
ROBERT
You really think there’s aliens right here as we speak?
TRENT
Yes! And they’re infiltrating our governments and the military.
ROBERT
You got that thing you showed me? The whatchamacallit you said was from a spaceship.
TRENT
Sure. I always keep it with me. I don’t trust them not to try to find it and take it from me.
Robert pours more whiskey. He’s not drinking now. He leans forward.
ROBERT
Show it to me?
TRENT
Thought I did already?
ROBERT
You did. I want to see it again. Tell me again how you ignored all the experts and figured out all by yourself what it really was.
Trent puffs up. Proud.
TRENT
Come on. It’s in my bag.
He struggles to his feet and weaves his way into his bedroom. Robert follows.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Robert shuts the door behind them.
Trent pulls his backpack off the bed and opens it. He takes out something wrapped in soft chamois clothes and unwraps it.
He holds a multi-faceted crystal about the size of his head up in wonderment. A SOFT HUM fills the silence, broken only by the sound of wind outside.
The crystal glows with pulsing light that dances across the various facets, fast, then slow then in hypnotic waves.
Tent is mesmerized.
TRENT
It’s never done that before.
From behind him, unseen, Robert speaks. His voice has changed pitch, grown deeper.
ROBERT (O.S.)
No? I guess that’s because it knows it’s almost home.
TRENT
What–?
Trent turns to find Robert has morphed into a legless slug-like creature with mottled skin and bulging chameleon eyes.
Four arms with clawed fingers reach out to take the alien artifact from Trent.
One hand folds into a fist and swings at Trent’s chin. His head snaps back and his glasses fly off.
TRENT
The fuck!
Trent strikes back, but his fists sink harmlessly into the soft flesh. He has to struggle to free it.
Meanwhile, Robert punches him again, breaking his nose. Trent cries out.
ROBERT
If you hadn’t got so close we would have let you alone. But you were too close. We can’t let you stop us now.
Now all four arms are swinging, battering at Trent’s unresisting flesh.
The crystal floats into the middle of the room, its strobing light playing over the cold brutality.
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Pat Brown from Lords of Frogtown
The list of things intended to heighten the scene are a good checklist.
In this scene Wager, the protagonist (who is gay) finds out he has a son by a woman he doesn’t even remember.
BACKROOM
Sid chews on an unlit cigar. A creature feature like Creeping Terror plays on his monitor, the sound muted.
He doesn’t look behind him.
SID
So you back at eight?
Only then does he see the cop.
WAGER
Some alone time, Sid.
Sid looks from the Deputy to Wager. He chews harder on the cigar.
SID
I know it’s your birthday, but two in one day?
Wager just gives him a look. Sid shrugs.
He leaves, closing the door behind him.
Wager parks his ass on the edge of the desk, knocking the keyboard off onto Sid’s chair. The movie plays silently behind him.
WAGER
Aren’t you in the wrong jurisdiction?
DEPUTY
This isn’t police business.
Wager picks up the keyboard and gestures at him to sit. The Deputy ignores him.
WAGER
Going to tell me what it is then?
DEPUTY
My name is Mark Riley. My mother’s name was Jessica.
When he doesn’t say anymore Wager frowns.
WAGER
Should that mean something?
Mark reaches into his pocket and pulls out a folded piece of slick paper. He unfolds it to show a page from a high school yearbook.
He hands it to Wager.
Wager stares at the page, puzzled as to what he’s looking for.
He focuses in on the last picture on the page.
It’s a mousy-looking girl with glasses and freckles, a studious look on her plump face. Jessica Riley. her caption reads: Most likely to go to Mars.
DEPUTY/MARK
Turn it over.
On the other side is a collage of sports teams. Baseball. Wrestling. Golf. Football.
And a date: 2003
Recognition hits Wager.
WAGER
Hey, the Wolves. I was the star quarterback that year…
He turns the page back over.
WAGER
Why tell me… this? I haven’t seen any of them since I graduated.
MARK
She was my mother. She passed away last week.
WAGER
Wow, well… Sorry for your loss—
MARK
You’re my father.
Wager straightens like an electric prod was shoved up his ass.
WAGER
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where the hell did that come from?
MARK
From her.
WAGER
Look around you. I came out in high school. Any fooling around I did before wasn’t serious.
MARK
You don’t remember her?
WAGER
Heard she moved to Texas before finals.
MARK
Her family moved to Sunland. She never left California.
WAGER
Well, fuck. She never said a word.
MARK
Are you sure about that?
Wager shakes his head. Panic blossoms.
FLASHBACK
Van Nuys’ football team storms the opposing team’s goalpost.
A muscular teen, (WAGER) a magnificent animal leaps for the ball, while on the sidelines JESSICA RILEY watches with quiet infatuation.
After the game, before Wager can leave the field, Jessica confronts him. Hands clutched in front of her, she stops, forcing Wager to stop, too.
JESSICA
I need to talk to you, Johnny.
WAGER
Sure. Let me hit the shower.
Wager catches the eye of an older man watching him. They smile invitingly at each other. He barely glances at Jessica.
WAGER
Sure, sure, babe.
He bolts toward the school, suddenly in a hurry.
Jessica stares after him.
JESSICA
Tonight!
FLASHBACK ENDS
Wager squeezes the arms of his chair.
WAGER
You gotta be kidding me. Did Hy put you up to this? That little queen can be such a bitch–
MARK
Kidding? Fuck you.
WAGER
How was I supposed to know? She never said anything. It was one time! It wasn’t serious.
MARK
It was to her.
WAGER
When did she tell you?
MARK
I grew up thinking you were this great man. Mom wouldn’t say much about you, only that you died a hero in Iraq.
Mark glares at Wager, blame in his eyes.
WAGER
Wow. A war hero? She lied to both of us–
Mark’s fist catches Wager on the chin. His head snaps back and his head hits the back of his chair, slams into the computer desk and dumps Wager on the floor.
Stunned, Wager blinks up at Mark from the floor.
Mark stands over him, one hand on his holstered Glock.
MARK
Say it again.
Wager wipes the blood off his mouth.
WAGER
Pass.
He gets up, using the chair to pull himself to his feet where he keeps a wary eye on Mark.
WAGER
What are you here for? Father and son bonding? Kinda late, don’t you think?
Mark takes a business card out of his pocket and throws it at Wager. It lands on the chair seat.
MARK
Be there tomorrow at eleven to find out.
He adds a hundred-dollar bill to the card.
MARK
There’s more if you show up.
Mark spins around and strides out the door, leaving it open. The jukebox is playing again.
Wager picks up the card.
Branson & Gilbert Attorney at Law
Estate planning, business and probate cases
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Pat Brown’s profiles of people
LESSON THREE
Person 1
– giving
– great teacher
– know-it-all
– bigot
Person 2
– personable
– intelligent
– social butterfly
– low self-esteem
Person 3
– educated
– paranoid
– subject always comes back to him
– know-it-all
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<font face=”Arial, sans-serif”>Pat Brown Puts Essence to Work</font>
<font face=”Arial, sans-serif”>What I learned is…</font>
<font face=”Arial, sans-serif”>Script I choose: LORDS OF FROGTOWN</font>
<font face=”Arial, sans-serif”>Scene 1 Location: Hollywood gay bar
Logline: Ex gay-porn star, Johnny Wager, discovers he has a 21-year-old son from a high school fling.
I’ve discovered that Wager doesn’t even remember the girl he slept with once in high school and never knew she was pregnant. He has to deal with a 21-year-old stranger who’s also a cop. Wager has never lived on the straight and narrow. Now he has a son who’s admired him all his life because of the lies his mother told him. He can’t possibly be the man his son thinks he is. And would he want to be?
New Logline: An ex-gay-porn actor having a midlife crisis discovers he has a twenty-one-year-old son from a high school fling he doesn’t even remember.</font><font face=”Arial, sans-serif”>Scene 2 Location: Lawyer’s Office
Logline: Wager discovers why his son came looking for him.
Essence I’ve discovered: This scene sets up what will be the main interaction between Wager and his son. The dead mother’s will forces the two men to spend time together.
New Logline: Father and son discover a dead woman is manipulating them.</font><font face=”Arial, sans-serif”>Scene 3 Location: Parking Garage
Logline: Danger finds Wager unexpectedly.
Essence I’ve discovered: This presents the first threat to Wager. The threat comes out of nowhere and we don’t even know if Wager’s been shot or how bad he is.
New Logline: With his world turned upside down, Wager faces new danger.</font><font face=”Arial, sans-serif”>Scene 4 Location: Hospital
Logline: Wager awakens in a hospital bed and wants to go home.
Essence I’ve discovered: Learns a bit more about Wager. He doesn’t like being helpless and he resists being helped.
New Logline: Wager flees the hospital only to find out his life has gone from bad to worse.</font><font face=”Arial, sans-serif”>Scene 5 Location: Police Station
Logline: Wager faces the threat of being charged with murder
Essence I’ve discovered: Wager plays word games with the cops. He’s not taking this very seriously.
New Logline: Wager plays word tag with the cops.</font> -
Pat Brown Finds the Essence
Script Chosen: HOT FUZZ
Script I choose: HOT FUZZ
Scene 1 Location: METROPOLITAN POLICE STATION
Logline: A police officer’s training shows how his skillset grows.
Essence: The scene sets up the skills Nicholas Angel possesses in a very entertaining way.Scene 2 Location: SERGEANT’S OFFICE
Logline: A cop with an exceptional record learns he’s not respected by his superiors.
Essence: Angel is surprised when he finds he’s been transferred against his wishes to an out-of-the-way posting, despite his excellent record—in fact, because of his record.>Scene 3 Location: CRIME SCENE
Logline: A cop’s ex reveals she’s seeing someone else.
Essence: Angel can’t have a normal relationship because he’s a workaholic who can’t let his job go.Scene 4 Location: THE CROWN PUB
Logline: A cop who strictly follows the law causes unintentional problems.
Essence: Angel is so keen on following the letter of the law he can’t even relax during his off hours causing him to start off on the wrong foot with his new neighbors.Scene 5 Location: DANNY’S PLACE
Logline: A workaholic cop learns how to relax and let go of his job
Essence: Angel finds he can relax and have fun with someone and it’s not about work at the same time the killer is getting more serious.<font face=”Arial, sans-serif”>ESSENCE: Angel rejects the offer to go back to London because he’s found a place he can be a good cop and have a life outside of being a cop. He can balance his life in Sandford.</font>
<font face=”Arial, sans-serif”>
</font>EXT. ROAD – LATERFRANK sits handcuffed in the back of an ambulance, wearing a neckbrace.
SKINNER is carried through shot on a stretcher, the model church spire still sticking through his face.
The HOODIES record this sight on their mobiles.
SKINNER Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.
We see the Swan cuffed to a car door by the neck.
The OLD MAN IN A CAP approaches to retrieve him.
ANGEL and DANNY sit with blankets around them. They are addressed by the three officers from the start of the film.
CHIEF INSPECTOR What do you say Nicholas?
INSPECTOR We’ve been trying to reach you for days.
ANGEL Well I’ve been kind of busy.
SERGEANT We need you back. The figures have gone a little squiffy in your absence it has to be said.
CHIEF INSPECTOR Come back to London. Sandford’s hardly fitting for such an exceptional officer.
ANGEL looks to DANNY, then back at the model Sandford.
ANGEL Yes, but the thing is sir. I like it here. Now, if you’ll excuse me, we have to do a considerable amount of paperwork.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Patricia Brown.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Pat Brown
I agree to the terms of this release form
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Pat Brown from Southern Ontario, Canada.
Not counting what I wrote years ago, I’ve written 3 scripts in various stages of rewrite and 1 sci-fi/horror pilot. I’m currently on Act 2 of my latest Action/Thriller.
I hope to learn how to hone my skills and produce marketable scripts that can place in prestigious contests and maybe catch the eye of a producer. Mostly I want to know how to look at a script and see where to improve it.
Before I returned to writing screenplays I wrote, and sold, 17 novels, mostly crime fiction and police procedurals.
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Sure, let’s swap. I’ll confess I’m disappointed in this course since I signed up because of the promise of sharing work. I don’t know what happened to the other couple of writers who showed up at the beginning then disappeared but you and I could swap.
Maybe later we could privately swap some of our own work. I won’t be posting any of my own work here since it seems it becomes their property if I do. Post what you’d like me to read or email it to pat.mysterywriter@gmail.com