Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith
Forum Replies Created
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Tasha I’m ready to exchange version 1. Send pdf to pgalbraith@epbfi.com
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ASSIGNMENT 28
Subject line: Pat’s Chronological Edit
What I learned doing this assignment is some scenes were out of sequence.
1. Read your script while making improvements.
Specifically focus on the following:
• A. Improve the flow.
• B. Improve clarity.
• C. Improve the description.
• D. Improve the dialogue.
2. Tell us the main improvements you made in your script.
Improved the flow by adding a few scenes.
Some clarity improvements
Added some highlights to improve scenery, conflict,etc.
Improved dialogue but needs more improvements.
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ASSIGNMENT 27
Subject line: Pat’s Solved Scene Problems!
What I learned doing this assignment is after writing quickly there are a lot of errors. Also I only have 60 pages so I got a lot to work on.
1. Look through your script and identify any scenes that have any of these four problems.
• A) Basic Scene Problems I’ll make changes in descriptions and dialogue.
• B) Weak Scenes I’ll use stronger verbs
• C) Situations Don’t Challenge Characters I’ll change scenery and dialogut.
• D) Cliché Scenes I’m not sure I’ve any cliché’ I’ll need to check further.
2. For any scene problems you find, make the prescribed improvements
As above described..
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ASSIGNMENT
Subject line: Pat’s Solved Character Problems!
What I learned doing this assignment is how to check out my characters to make them better.
1. Check your lead characters to see if they have any of the problems listed in this lesson.
• A. Weak protagonist or antagonist. Need to add more scenes for Elaine.
• B. Protagonist Too Good or Antagonist Too Bad. No
• C. Weak character intros. Weak intro for Elaine
• D. Characters not in action. Need to make Elaine more active.
• E. Protagonist journey not strong. Need to make Elaine’s journey more prominent.
• F. All the characters seem the same. No
• G. Lead characters not present. All characters are present.
2. For any character problems you find, make the prescribed improvements.
Working on this.
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Subject: Pat’s Key Scene Improvements
What I learned doing this assignment is it is important to make changes to the outline to keep story on track.
Structure
Opening Could use some work
Inciting Incident Good
Act I Turning Point Good
Mid Point Possible to be better
Act 2 Turning Point Possible to be better
Climax Good
Resolution Good
Finish May make a change
Reveals – Need work
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ASSIGNMENT 15
Subject Line: Pat’s Scene Ratings
What I learned doing this assignment is to be more forceful.
1. Take these steps with your lead characters to elevate their dialogue, focusing on one character at a time.
• STEP 1: Select ONE lead character’s profile.
Character Name: Ronnie Hester
Role: Dish Washer/ Courier
Core Character Traits
• Handsome
• Demands Respect
• Passive/Aggressive
• Smart
• Subtext: When attacked, Ronnie Hester fights back especially for the people he loves.
•
• Look at each line that character says and ask “Is there anything from this profile represented in that line?”
• Changed 12 dialogue lines.
2. Once you’ve completed your Protagonist and Antagonist, tell us how much improvement you feel it made to their dialogue and give us three examples of “before and after” for each character.
INT. RONNIE’S HOUSE – DAY
Ronnie’s upset that he’s mom doesn’t believe him.
Ronnie
I can’t believe you don’t believe me.
Ronnie jumps up from the table, knocking the chair to the floor. Slamming the door as he goes out.
EXT. SKATEPARK – DAY
Carpenter a fellow skater, skates over to Ronnie.
Carpenter
What’s your problem Geek?
I have no problem; I was just wondering what yours is?
INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
Charlie, Stan, and Jody are being held captive. Ronnie sneaks into the warehouse.
Ronnie (V.O.)
Whatever it takes, I’m bringing my friends home.
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ASSIGNMENT 25
Subject line: Pat’s Solved Structural Problems
What I learned doing this assignment is re-establishing
my turning points.
Using the Structure Questions above, go to each structure point in your script and ask the question. Make sure you have a real answer.
Act 1:
Opening/Old Ways: Is this an engaging opening scene that lures us into the story? Is the lead character clearly living in a pre-transformation mode? Do the “Old Ways” show up in their behavior and dialogue?
Hank and Carrot Top discuss what his new profession might be. Discussing in his old dialogue.
Inciting Incident: How does this incident invite and propel us into the journey?
Hank’s wife leaves and separates from him after an argument.
Turning Point: How is this Turning Point a twist that locks us into the journey with “no going back?”
Hank thinks got a chance at bringing her back until he receives the divorce papers in the mail.
Act 2:
New Plan: What new plan did the protagonist create to deal with the Act 1 Turning Point?
Hank attends Marriage School to help him get his wife back.
Plan in action: How does the protagonist take action on that plan?
Hank starts school his co students do not like Hank because of his
sarcasm about everything. Hank opens a counseling business without a license.
Midpoint Turning Point: How does the Midpoint change the meaning, creating a reveal that changes everything while keeping us on the same journey? Marriage school is failing no one
Likes him. County official closes his business and gives him a large fine.
Act 3:
React/Rethink: What is revealed to the protagonist from the Midpoint? How do they react or rethink things? With the business closed and a large fine hanging over his head.
New Plan: What new plan did the protagonist create to deal with this new level of conflict?
Hank decides to continue the marriage school to help him get Elaine back.
Invites Elaine to school conference and she turns him down.
Turning Point: The lowest of the low. How has this Turning Point brought the character to the lowest of lows, making it almost impossible for them to win in a normal way? This forces them to adopt the change in a much bigger way.
Hank identifies with hurting his friends at the school tries to do better.
Elaine refuses to take his calls.
Add the best answers to your 4-Act Structure until you feel really good about that structure.
Act 4:
Dilemma: What emotional dilemma requires the protagonist to choose between two alternatives, losing something with either choice?
Elaine begins to take Hank’s call and they reconcile as friends. Hank recognizes
that his love for Elaine is more important than keeping his independence and his use of sarcasm.
Climax/Ultimate @xpression Of The Conflict: How is this the ultimate expression of the conflict? How does it require a “fight to the death,” either literally or symbolically?
Hank and Elaine have a fight and argument at the hotel where they’re getting married. Sending Hank to the hospital.
Resolution: How does this resolution represent the “New Ways” and bring this story to a fitting conclusion?
At the hospital Hank and Elaine apologize to each other.
They remarry and have a happy life.
New Ways: What are the New Ways, and do they clearly show up in your lead character’s Act 4 behavior and dialogue?
Hank vows to be a better person and not criticize her. She vows not to take him so serious.
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ASSIGNMENT 22
Subject line: Pat’s Act 4 Climax
What I learned doing this assignment is how much conflict should be involved.
1. Outline Key Scene 3.
A wedding is planned at a downtown hotel. The wedding is all setup.
Elaine meets Hank in her wedding dress in the lobby. They argue and Elaine picks up
a vase and throws it at Hank.
Hank ducks but too late the vase hits him on the head and blood
squirts everywhere. The Matre’d calls an ambulance. Elaine escapes
to her dressing room in tears.
2. Write Key Scene 3: Climax – The Ultimate Expression of The Conflict.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY – DAY
Elaine meets Hank in the lobby of the hotel. They begin to argue.
Soon the argument becomes heated, and Elaine throws a vase at Hank.
Hank ducks but too late. Blood squirts everywhere. Overwhelmed, Elaine runs
away. Matre’ d calls an ambulance. The ambulance carries Hank away.
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Elaine comes to her scenes and takes a cab to the hospital still in her wedding dress.
She goes to Hank’s side and lovingly expresses her desire to love him to the end.
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ASSIGNMENT
Subject line: Pat’s Act 4 Resolution
What I learned doing this assignment is better understanding.
Outline Key Scene 4.
Resolution
Hank gets home from the hospital. Carrot Top is there to welcome him home.
She can’t stay long because she has plans with her husband Sam. Elaine calls
Hank that she’s coming over to take care of him. When Elaine gets there they apologize
To each other and vow to be good to each other, because they do love each other.
2. Write Key Scene 4: Resolution – Wrap it up and show us the “new normal.”
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
Hank is home from hospital. Carrot Top is there.
Carrot Top
You going to be all right Hank?
Hank
Sure, I’m fine. You don’t need to hover like a drone. I’m fine.
The phone rings.
Hank
You’re coming over?
Elaine
Yes, I’ll be there in a few minutes.
Carrot Top
Guess that knocks me off my rock.
Elaine arrives soon and she and Hank fall into each other’s arms.
EXT. OUTDOOR EVENT – DAY
Hank and Elaine visit an outdoor event. Talking, smiling, and having the time of their life.
EXT. OUTDOOR RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Hank and Elaine find a seat in an outdoor restaurant area. After the waiter leaves
He takes her hands and they each vow to be a better understanding person and to live their
Best life.
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ASSIGNMENT 21
Subject line: Pat’s Act 4 First Scenes
Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is fitting in my scenes exactly as needed.
Outline Key Scene 1 and 2.
Scene 1 Outline
1.Hank believes his lost everything, Elaine, and he’s been fine 10,000 dollars
for operating a business in his house without a license.
2. Hank’s mom invites him to be her date at a grand party.
2. Write Key Scene 1: Reaction to 3rd Act Turning Point.
INT. BISTRO – NIGHT
Hanks arrives early and sits at the bar. Has a couple of drinks. Elaine is running late. He looks down at his watch.
Takes his phone out to check on her and dials the phone.
The phone rings for a long time, then a man picks up.
Hank hangs up the phone. He sits there for a few minutes feeling sorry for himself.
Hank looks up to see Terri from class come through the door alone. She notices him and walks over.
TERRI
You don’t look so good Hank. What’s going on?
HANK
Just got the worse news of my life.
TERRI
What happened or are you being dramatic?
HANK
Just lost my wife, she’s got another man.
TERRI
That sucks, what are you going do about it?
HANK
Shoot my brains out?
TERRI
You really do need a therapist, don’t you? Ok I’m here let’s give it a whirl. Like in class?
INT. ELAINE’S APARTMENT/HALL – NIGHT
There is a knock at the door. Elaine rushes to the door.
ELAINE
Your just in time, my sink is running over, and I need to be somewhere. Sam Can you just lock up when you done?
SAM
No problem, Ma’am.
Elaine runs down the hall as we hear a phone ringing.
INT. BISTRO – NIGHT
HANK
She called asked me to meet her here. So here I’m. She was running late so I gave her a call. He picked up.
TERRI
Think you might be jumping to conclusions?
Elaine enters the Bistro. Looks over to the bar. Sees Hank with a young girl. They seem to be serious. She leaves the bar.
HANK
It was her number. It was her man don’t you think. I’m not an idiot. I don’t have to be hit on the head.
TERRI
So why did she call?
HANK
She wanted to tell me she had found someone else? She’s the only one of the 7 that I loved.
TERRI
Don’t write her off yet, till you know for sure. Hey, look I got to run got someone waiting.
INT. HANKS HOUSE – DAY
Hank calls carrot Top
HANK
Mom, I’m over here having a pity party can you come over?
CARROT TOP
Be right there.
Carrot Top arrives with a cake.
CARROT TOP
Thought I’d cheer you up. Give me all the details.
HANK
Elaine has found someone else.
CARROT TOP
She wouldn’t do that. Honey
HANK
Well, I need to face it. He answered her phone.
CARROT TOP
That sounds about right, but have you talked to her about it?
HANK
Mom? I’m not stupid.
CARROT TOP
So, you’ve talked to her then?
HANK
I’m afraid I don’t have anything to say to her. She has another man.
CARROT TOP
Well, that’s a reason to pick up your step, if you want to keep her you do.
3. Write Key Scene 2: Protagonist faces their Dilemma.
INT.
CAR – DAYCarrot
Top rings Hank’s phone.CARROT
TOPHey
son, what are you doing tomorrow night.HANK
Hanging
out here at the house.CARROT
TOPCarol
Penny is having a grand party and I hear Elaine will be there. You can be my
date, Sam’s, out of town.HANK
No
mom, I won’t chase her. It makes things worse.CARROT
TOPAll
right, but this might be your last chance.Hank
decides to go to the party. -
ASSIGNMENT 20
Subject line: Pat’s Completed Act 3
What I learned doing this assignment is more emphasis on structure.
Outline scene 3
Act III
MIDDLE new ways for change
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
Elaine begins to take calls from Hank. Elaine is cautious. Hank ask her to go with him to a conference.
HANK
Elaine what are you doing Friday night? I’ve got a special teacher conference for school and can take a date.
ELAINE
Sorry Hark, I’ve got plans for Friday. Maybe next time.
Elaine hangs up the phone thinking she had to do it.
INT. MARRIAGE SCHOOL – DAY
Hank continues to attend the marriage school. The students like Hank now.
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY.
Hank continues to operate his marriage counseling business out of his house. As Hank shows a couple out.
HANK
Thanks for coming, so glad I could help.
CLIENT
Thank you, we love coming here Mr. Bonner.
INT. CAR/HANKS OFFICE – DAY
Carrot top calls Hank from her car.
Intercut:
HANK
Mom?
CARROT TOP
I need to tell you something.
HANK
Can’t it wait? Got an appointment lined up they’ll be here any minute.
CARROT TOP
This won’t take a minute. I’ve found the love of my life. Met him yesterday at the grocery store. He’s a real peach. I’ll bring him by to meet you soon. Talk later.
Hank stares into the phone as she hangs up.
HANK
Mom?
INT. HANKS OFFICE – DAY
Rosy and Max sit in Hank’s office. Hank enters and apologizes for being late.
HANK
Sorry folks, been a busy day.
ROSY
Your day to be a turtle, I Guess?
Hank grins.
HANK
So where did we leave off, the hare and the turtle right.
MAX
That’s about right.
HANK
How did things go?
Max looks over to Rosy.
MAX
Certainly, do see where she came from. That rabbit girl don’t stop.
HANK
Isn’t that a good thing, Mr. Barton.
MAX
I can’t keep up with her if I’m a turtle.
HANK
The idea was to give you more time for foreplay. Let’s try this, go home and both of you be turtles, that way she’ll have time to warm up and you want be a runaway rabbit, Max.
They leave holding hands.
Hank decides to call Elaine to discuss their problems.
Intercut:
HANK
Elaine, how are you doing?
ELAINE
I’m doing ok. You?
HANK
I just wanted to hear your voice.
ELAINE
You ok Hank?
HANK
I really, really do miss my cuddle buddy. We were so good together.
ELAINE
So, Rosy and Max have just been in?
HANK
How’d you know?
ELAINE
You always get cuddly buddy after they leave.
HANK
They are a cute couple always playing the sex tricks I suggest.
ELAINE
Hank, I saw you at the bar with that young girl.
HANK
She’s a schoolmate. She was there to meet someone and just came over for a minute.
HANK
And you who is the new man in your life. Mr. Wonderful.
ELAINE
I don’t have a new man.
HANK
He answered your phone on the day you invited me to the Bistro.
Elaine takes a minute to remember.
ELAINE
Hank, I can’t believe that you would think I would go out on you.
She hangs up the phone discussed.
INT. CAR/OFFICE – DAY
Carrot Top calls from her car.
CARROT TOP
Hey Hank wanted to catch you before you got off. Would tonight be a good night to meet Peachy.
HANK
Kind of short notice. What time?
CARROT TOP
About 8?
HANK
Do we need food?
CARROT TOP
No we’ll just be there a few minutes you know to get acquainted. Then we’ll rush off to the drive in.
HANK
Is this a serious relationship mom? Or a fling?
CARROT TOP
It’s serious for me so just be nice, ok?
INT. HANKS HOUSE – NIGHT
The doorbell rings. Hank opens the door and is surprised by a nice looking fellow. Hank’s hair is still wet from his shower.
HANK
Come on in, I was just taking a bath.
CARROT TOP
So, you’ll smell good too.
Hank shakes his head.
HANK
Nice to meet you.
SAM
I’m Sam Wilson,
Mr. Bonner. Your Mom has told me all about you.
HANK
Well, I’m not surprised by that. Come on in, take a seat sir.
SAM
I understand you’re a marriage counselor?
HANK
Yes, I work with people to get their marriages back on track.
SAM
Your mom has told me about the couple you suggest tricks too and they play along. Maybe you can
suggest some tricks for me and Carrot Top.
HANK
You do know she’s, my mother?
SAM
Just joking son.
HANK
Besides she knows a lot of tricks herself. Don’t worry about that.
INT. HANKS HOUSE – DAY
Carrot Top visits Hanks to see how he liked Sam.
CARROT TOP
How do you like my boyfriend Hank?
HANK
His pretty nice looking.
CARROT TOP
I mean his personality.
HANK
He’s a funny guy.
CARROT TOP
Is he someone you could get along with, I guess is what I’m asking?
HANK
If he makes you happy mom. That’s all that matters to me.
Carrot Top hugs her son.
CARROT TOP
How’s Elaine?
HANK
She totally shut me out. I might as well give up. That’s what she wants.
CARROT TOP
You’re giving up to soon. Go for what you want Hank.
EXT. HANK’S MAILBOX – DAY
Hank receives mail from the county.
HANK
This can’t be good.
He rips the envelope open to find a $10,000 fine for operating in his house.
HANK
Just when things are going so well. Thankfully I have a date with Elaine and things are going good.
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
Hank decides to call Elaine to see if she’ll meet him at the Bistro.
HANK
Elaine, honey could you meet me at the Bistro. I’ve had a lot of bad news and need to talk to you. You’re the only one that can console me.
ELAINE
Hank, something’s come up. I won’t be able to go out tonight.
Hank sinks down on his bed.
HANK
What’s going on Elaine? I thought we might get on track.
ELAINE
You’ve disappointed me, Hank. I just can’t start
this again.Hank hears the phone click. Hank hangs up the
phone in tears. -
ASSIGNMENT 19
Subject line: Pat’ Act 3 Turning Point
What I learned doing this assignment is how seriously low to go.
1. 1. Outline Key Scene 4 – Turning Point 3.
Beginning: Hank gets a phone call from Elaine
Middle: Elaine breaks a date they had already set up.
End: Hank’ heart is broken.
2. Write Turning Point ACT 3 – Protagonist faces their lowest low.
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
Hank is getting ready for a date with Elaine when the phone rings.
Elaine
Hank, something’s come up. I won’t be able to go out tonight.
Hank sits down on his bed.
Hank
What’s going on Elaine? I thought we were back on track.
Elaine
You’ve disappointed me Hank. I just can’t start this again.
Hank hangs up the phone in tears.
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ASSIGNMENT 18
Subject line: Pat’s Act 3 Middle Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is better understanding of structure.
Outline Key Scenes 2 & 3
2. Hank continues to operate a counseling business out of his house.
3. He gets a large fine in the mail for operating a business in his home.
Scene 2
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
Elaine begins to take calls from Hank. Elaine is cautious.
INT. MARRIAGE SCHOOL – DAY
Hank continues to attend the marriage school. The students like Hank now.
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY.
Hank continues to operate his marriage counseling business out of his house.
Scene 3
EXT. HANK’S MAILBOX – DAY
Hank receives mail from the county.
HANK
This can’t be good.
He rips the envelope open to find a $10,000 fine for operating in his house.
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ASSIGNMENT 17 Key Scene 1
Subject line: Pat’s Act 3 Reaction to Midpoint
What learned doing this assignment is the Reaction/ Rethink process.
Using your Beat Sheet, outline your Act 3 Key Scenes.
1. Hank’s business is closed for the lack of proper license.
2. Hank decides to bring clients to his home.
3. He gets a large fine in the mail for operating a business in his home.
4. He believes Elaine is dating another man.
Write Key Scene 1: Reaction/Rethink.
Reaction: Hank’s marriage business school that he started to get Elaine back is closed because he doesn’t have the proper license. Hank realizes everything has gone bad and he must make a new plan.
Rethink: After Rosy and Max come to his house for counseling. He decides to call all his other clients so he can continue counseling. Copper Top his mom wants to know if he’s going quit the Marriage school. He tells her no, not now. I’ve got to keep going.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by
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Pat’s Act 2
What I learned from this assignment is
ACT II
INT. HANK’S OFFICE – DAY
Hank boxes up the office
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
Carrot Top enters the house with her cleaning clothes on.
She rushes about dusting, then moping.
HANK
Well, Mom, it was a clean sweep. Lights are out, doors locked no more counseling services.
CARROT TOP
What about the Marriage school you going quit that too?
HANK
I haven’t decided that yet. I do think I was getting something from it.
CARROT TOP
If you finish the school they can’t stop you from opening back up.
HANK
It’d give me something to do?
INT. MARRIAGE SCHOOL – DAY
Hank enters the school and takes his seat. Terri looks away. Still disqusted with Hank. He feels the brush off.
TEACHER
Let’s get tonight class started. We going do some one on one conversations tonight to get a feel for your clients. Hank would you like to be out first client?
HANK
Sure, why not?
TEACHER
Terri would you like to be the therapist.
TERRI
(smiling)
Sure would.
Teacher hands Terri her assignment. Tells the specifics of why Hank has come in to see a therapist.
TEACHER
Hank has come in to see a therapist because he’s having trouble getting along with people at work
Terri reads from the assignment.
TERRI
Mr. Bonner, can you describe for me a sample of the problems you are incurring at work?
HANK
I’ve closed the doors. Nobody will be bothering me any more.
TERRI
What doors have you closed, Hank?
HANK
To let anybody in.
TERRI
So you’ve closed yourself off from everybody.
HANK
Turned off the lights and locked the doors.
Terri lays down the assignment and goes on her own.
TERRI
Have you been hurt by those people?
HANK
No, I’ve hurt them, they don’t have anybody now.
TERRI
So, Hank what do you want to do about it?
HANK
Haven’t decided yet, I was hoping you could help me.
TERRI
I’d need a little more insight maybe we could make another appointment for you Hank.
INT. CARROT TOP’S CAR – DAY
The phone chimes it’s Hank.
HANK
Where you headed?
CARROT TOP
I have 2 more houses to clean today. I’ll be by later.
HANK
That’s ok Mom. Just wanted to let you know that I’m going back to school. I won’t stop, not now. I need this.
CARROT TOP
Good boy, I‘m going scratch you behind the ears.
HANK
Oh mom. What would I do without you?
INT. BISTRO
Hanks sits at the bar nursing his beer consoling himself. Terri enters the bar and catches sight of Hank. Coming over.
TERRI
Hey Mr. Bonner, want to follow up on class discussion.
HANK
No. Thanks.
TERRI
Come on. Spill it. I know you got a problem. After all it’ll be good practice for our businesses.
HANK
You got a business already?
TERRI
No I’m speaking in terms, If I did.
HANK
What do you think the problem is?
TERRI
A woman?
HANK
You must be psychic?
TERRI
It’s usually a woman or a man.
HANK
I’m in the middle of divorce. My business was closed. I used to have a license. They closed me up cause the license was expired. So it’s more than a woman.
TERRI
Anything I can do?
HANK
No. Time will tell. I hope to get her back.
TERRI
Hey there my date. Talk later.
Terri rushes off to catch up to her date.
INT. ELAINE’S APARTMENT – DAY
There’s a knock at the door. A handsome man, SAM (50), stands in the door.
ELAINE
Hey, your Sam the maintenance guy?
SAM
Yep, it’s me.
ELAINE
My faucet is dripping and it’s annoying can you fix it?
Elaine smiles.
SAM
Be done in a minute, princess.
Elaine smiles again.
ELAINE
I’ve got to run out pick up some pickles. Carrot Top loves pickles.
SAM
I’ll just let myself out.
INT. ELAINES’ APARTMENT – DAY
Elaine lets Carrot Top in. She’s carry a couple of bags.
CARROT TOP
I brought us a bottle of wine and a desert to go with that hamburger.
ELAINE
Come on in I’ll get the pickles.
ELAINE
So, how’s Hank?
CARROT TOP
He’s a wreck. He’s business has been shut down. You do know that he wants you back, right.
ELAINE
It’s really not a good idea. He made me miserable. He’s not a happy man.
CARROT TOP
Well he loves you.
ELAINE
I don’t know what I feel. I think I want and need him, then I come to my senses.
CARROT TOP
I just wanted you to know he’s working on being a better person.
INT. BISTRO – NIGHT
Hank sits at the bar and gets a call from Terri.
HANK
Who is this?
TERRI
I’m sorry to bother you Hank but I’m sitting on the side of the road with a flat tire. Can you come pick me up.
EXT. SIDE OF ROAD – NIGHT
Hank pulls up along side Terri’s car.
TERRI
Thanks for coming Hank. I was so scared.
HANK
Let’s get out of here. You hungry?
TERRI
I sure am.
They pull into and all night cafe.
INT. CAFE – NIGHT
Hank and Terri sit in a booth, waitress brings there food.
HANK
So, what were you doing out on that road?
TERRI
Coming back home. My boyfriend and I just had a fight.
HANK
Oh no, and your a marriage counselor?
TERRI
Ironic right?
HANK
I’m not one to talk. Been there done that. Need a therapist?
TERRI
Need the practice?
INT. HANKS HOUSE – DAY
Hank gets a call from Rosy.
ROSY
Mr. Bonner this is Rosy we went by your office and it’s closed. Can we meet you somewhere and talk. We got a real problem.
HANK
Well, I guess that would be okay. Just stop by my house about four would that work for you?
ROSY
That would be just fine. Thank you so much for seeing us.
INT. HANKS OFFICE – DAY
Rosy and Max sit across the desk from Hank.
HANK
So we’ve got a problem.
MAXY
Rosy likes being the rabbit. So we have two rabbits now.
HANK
So what’s the problem?
MAXY
I can’t keep up with her now.
Hank’s looks over at Roxy and sees the rabbit again.
HANK
You go girl.
This just means that you both know how you feel. You might need to schedule it. That is if becomes too much sex.
The couple look at each other and smile.
ROSY
He’s so right.
Max looks in Rosy eyes.
MAX
Let’s go home and make love.
Hank decides he’ll invite his other clients to his house.
” Main Conflict: Getting his wife back. Hank must learn how a real marriage works.
” Old Ways Hank uses sarcasm in his daily life. Alienating his wives and friends.
” New plan: The plan is to save other people’s marriages through his new profession and win his wife back.
” Turning Point: Hank discovers his license is out of date but opens the marriage counseling business anyway.
” Plan in action: Hank goes to night school to get the license reinstated. Hank continues with his sarcasm. His clients are not impressed.
” New Ways: Hank learns better ways to approach people in his life without sarcasm.
40 Halfway through school
INT. MARRIAGE SCHOOL – DAY
Hank sits at his desk reading over the test the teacher has just passed out. The look on his face is quizzical.
He turns the page and frowns that there is so much of it.
Terri looks confident. Calvin seems to not have a problem either.
Hank looks up at the clock.
Time passes.
The students begin to turn in the test. Hank is still at it. He wipes sweat from his brow as he finishes up.
INT. BISTRO – DAY
Hank sits at the bar having a drink. Calvin enters the bar.
CALVIN
Hey Hank, how it go?
HANK
That was one more test. I hope I just passed it. Not hoping for anything better than that.
CALVIN
It was a dozy, maybe she’ll grade it on a curve.
HANK
That sure would help. Hate to make myself look too stupid.
CALVIN
They’ll be a lot of us in the same boat.
HANK
I just want to be in the boat, not under the water.
-
ASSIGNMENT 15
Subject line: Pat’s Act 2 TP – Midpoint
What I learned doing this assignment is that this places more influence on plot points.
1. Outline your Key Scene 4: The Midpoint.
Beginning: A city Auditor visits Hank’s office
Middle: Validates that his license is not up to date
End: Closes Hank’s business.
2. Write the Midpoint scene.
INT. HANK’S OFFICE/Reception – DAY
City auditor enters Hank’s reception area and asks to speak to Hank.
Reception takes him back to Hank’s office.
INT. HANK’S OFFICE – DAY
He sits in Hank’s office questioning him about his license. Hank tells him it’s on the wall.
City Auditor
Mr. Bonner can I see the certificate?
Hank
Sure it’s hanging right there.
The auditor walks over to the certificate and sees that the date is way wrong.
City Auditor
Mr. Bonner, I’m afraid that you need to close your doors until further notice.
-
ASSIGNMENT
Subject line: Pat’s Character Intros/Exits
What I learn doing this assignment is understanding to add more description when introducing the character.
Create new introductions and exits for your two lead characters.
List the beats of your current character introductions and endings for your lead characters.
Ronnie hates his dishwashing job.
Loves skateboarding.
Looking for a new job with dealing people.
He has friends who love and follow him.
2. Select a best introduction from this list below for each character.
Types of Introductions
1) Action shows primary traits.
2) Other character’s reaction
to this character.
3) Build the Character’s
reputation.
4) Character philosophy
5) Situation demands the
character.
6) The reveal opening.3. Write out the beats for each NEW character introduction. Make sure it delivers as much character as possible through the initial action, initial lines of dialogue, initial description and the situation you place the character in.
Ronnie Hester-Protagonist
Introduction:
Ronnie Hester, 17, loves skateboarding and is accomplished at it. He hates his dishwashing job and looks for a better job. He skates down the sidewalk on the way to the skatepark when he spots a help wanted sign that states “Courier needed must have wheels.”
Ending:
Ronnie and Jody skate on the sidewalk following Taz, the crow. They Slip into the warehouse, where they believe the kidnapped kids are being held, and hide. Ronnie has a recorder with him this time. He records admissions of the villains. As the killer prepare to take the kids to the river for the killings. The Sheriff arrives and hides with Ronnie. The Sheriff tries to arrest the killers, but the killers get the upper hand. The sheriff retreats. They wait for the hit man to arrive. When the hitman arrives, Taz flies through the door in all his fury and lands on the hitman’s head, the hitman retreats and runs for the door into the Sheriff’s backup. Ronnie, who has always hated guns, grabs the gun and backs up to the Sheriff.
Charlie: Ronnie’s best friend.
Charlie 16, loves skateboarding, Ronnie’s best friend, lives alone in a vacant house, works in maintenance at a bar.
Charlie is tied up in the warehouse. Ronnie ‘s led to the warehouse by Charlie’s crow. Charlie carries the gold ball that the crow is influenced by. Suddenly the gold ball sparkles and shines. Charlie knows Ronnie’s on the way. When they are found Ronnie’s mom tells him that he can come live with them.
Charlie
I knew you’d come for me, Ronnie.
What took you so long?
-
ASSIGNMENT 13
Subject line: Pat’s Act 2 Reaction to TP 1
What I learned doing this assignment is organizational skills to keep it together.
Using your Beat Sheet, outline Key Scene 1.
Inciting Incident: Elaine Moves out on Hank
Turning Point 1: Hank gets divorce papers in the mail.
Reaction: Hank signs backup for night school for a Marriage Counselor License to help him get Elaine back.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR BOSS
ACT 2 BEAT SHEET
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
Hank and Elaine have a big fight and Elaine moves out.
EXT. HANK’S MAILBOX – DAY
Hank receives the divorce papers
INT. MARRIAGE SCHOOL – DAY
Hank signs up for Marriage School
ACT 2 OUTLINE
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
BEGINNING: Hank and elaine have a big fight
MIDDLE: Elaine packs her suitcase..
END: Elaine moves out threatening divorce.
EXT. HANK’S MAILBOX – DAY
BEGINNING: Hank takes an envelope out mailbox from an attorney’s office. Smacks himself in the head with the envelope. He knows he’s in trouble.
MIDDLE: Opens the envelope
END: Discovers its divorce papers.
2. Write the “Reaction to the Turning Point” scene.
INT. MARRIAGE SCHOOL – DAY
BEGINNING: Hank signs up for Marriage Counseling night school.
MIDDLE: Opens a business without a license.
END: Auditor closes Hank’s business
-
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Act I
HANK BONNER (40’S) is having a pity party for himself. He’s invited his mother, Carrot Top. He knows she’ll listen. They’re preparing a meal together. He’s a bit eccentric and thinks he knows everything about cooking and Carrot Top knows all too. She’s a bit bossy. Hank removes a head of lettuce from the refrigerator and tosses it to his mom.
HANK
You know this is my 7th marriage I’ve thrown away.
As she catches the lettuce.
CARROT TOP
You mean your marbles don’t you?
Hank stirs a pot on the stove.
HANK
Yeah, I’ve lost them too. I must be kin to you.
Carrot Top tears the lettuce apart for the salad.
CARROT TOP
You’ve got to just keep climbing back on that horse, Hank. You’ll eventually get it right.
Why don’t you use that old marriage counseling certificate you’ve tossed away, to get you up and going.
HANK
When I didn’t renew, that certificate just up and trotted off.
INT. HOME OFFICE – DAY
Hank sits at his desk, he’s searching for the certificate.
HANK
Where is that thing, I probably threw it out with the trash.
The phone rings. It’s Carrot Top.
CARROT TOP
You find that damn thing yet? Let me know and I’ll help anyway I can.
HANK
Got it mom, I’ll call you if I find it.
He hangs up.
INT. HOME OFFICE/FILE CABINET – DAY
Hank searches in a file cabinet in the corner of his office. He’s gotten to the last drawer, last file and there it is.
HANK
I buried that pretty good. All dogs must die.
Let’s see how long it was good for?
Reads out loud.
It was only good for a year. Gess that settles that.
Hank wads the certificate up and meticulously aims for the trash can. After thinking a few seconds–
HANK
I could call the court clerk to see if can be renewed?
Hank calls the county court clerk.
HANK
Yes, this is Hank Bonner, I have an expired Marriage Counselor Certificate can it be renewed?
COUNTY COURT CLERK (V.O.)
You’ll need to call the authority that issued that Sir.
Hangs up the phone.
HANK
Authority? Everybody’s an Authority!
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Hank flips through the phone book for Marriage Certificate School. Calls the school.
Phone rings.
HANK
This is Hank Bonner. I have a Marriage Counseling Certificate issued by your school that’s expired. How can I get it renewed?
LADY AT THE SCHOOL (V.O.)
You’ll need to get your classes up to date. Come by and let a counselor check see what classes you need.
Hank hangs up the phone. The phone rings it’s Carrot Top.
Intercut:
HANK
Hello, mom.
CARROT TOP
How did you know it was me.
HANK
It’s on the phone, mom.
CARROT TOP
Well, did you find it?
HANK
I did.
CARROT TOP
Well?
HANK
It’s expired. I’d need to catch up on classes, and I’m not up to that.
CARROT TOP
How many classes for God’s sake?
HANK
God doesn’t have anything to do with this, mom. I’ve got to go talk to a counselor at the school to find out.
CARROT TOP
So when are you going?
HANK
I’m not, that just too much trouble.
CARROT TOP
Well, trouble’s your middle name, trot on down there get her done.
INT. MARRIAGE SCHOOL – DAY
Hank enters the office he’s been directed to
COUNSELOR
How can I help you Mr. Bonner
Hank places the old certificate on her desk.
COUNSELOR
You can’t be serious? This is ten years old.
HANK
Is there a problem, Missy?
Counselor frowns at his comment. Her mood changes.
COUNSELOR
We just can’t renew something this old. Sorry
Pitching his certificate back at him.
You’ll need to take the whole course load.
HANK
How long will it take, the “whole course load”?
COUNSELOR
Two years and then there’s testing.
HANK
Is there a night class?
COUNSELOR
Yes, but it takes longer.
INT. HANK’S PLACE – DAY
Carrot Top on the phone.
CARROT TOP
I’ve found you a nice office just off the Blvd. Put an add in the paper for a receptionist you can open your office this week. I’ll call the paper and put you a nice ad for clients tomorrow. How’s that sound?
HANK
MOM! We need to talk!
INT. RESTAURANT
Hank and his Mom discuss why he must open the office anyway. Maybe use a corporate name to open.
CARROT TOP
I looked up the law. If you don’t give legal advise you’ll be okay to work as a marriage counselor.
HANK
That don’t sound exactly right?
CARROT TOP
We won’t advertise your name. That way we can open until you get your license back. Go to school and get that certificate.
HANK
Mom you’ve lost your mine. Forget it!
EXT. HANKS HOME/MAIL BOX – DAY
Hank removes a vanilla envelope from the mailbox. It’s from a law firm.
HANK
Have they found me out already?
INT. HANKS HOME/KITCHEN – DAY
Hank opens the envelope in his kitchen. It’s final papers he needs to sign for his divorce. He snacks his head with the envelope. Discussed with himself.
INT. HANKS HOME/KITCHEN – NEXT DAY
Hank goes through the garbage to find the envelope. Throws it on the kitchen counter.
HANK
Tomorrow.
INT. BUSINESS OFFICE – DAY
Hank enters his new business. The door sign notes that Hank is the Marriage Counselor.
Hank hangs his expired license on the wall.
HANK
Nobody will notice the date.
Hank is in the office at his desk when bubble gum popping, Bobbi Sue, his new receptionist enters.
BOBBI SUE
Hello Mr. Bonner.
HANK
Bobbi Sue is it?
His phone rings, it’s Carrot Top, his mom.
She wants to know if he needs any help.
HANK
No Mom, Bobbi Sue’s here.
Hangs up the phone and hands Bobbi Sue materials to file.
HANK
These are important, put’m somewhere we can find them.
BOBBI SUE
Sure will. Thanks for the job, Mr. Bonner. My kids need to eat.
Hank takes a questioning pause as Bobbi Sue leaves his office.
INT. BUSINESS OFFICE – DAY
The phone rings. Hank picks it up, excited that it may be a client.
HANK
Hello, how can I help you this is Hank.
Hank’s wife, ELAINE, soon to be his ex is on the phone.
ELAINE
Hank, Carrot Top gave me your number. I need to talk to you.
Hank’s mood fades when realizes it’s not a client.
HANK
Well, you got me. Mom didn’t know any better.
ELAINE
Can you meet tonight at the club?
HANK
Elaine? What’s this about I know you don’t love me. Hell you don’t even like me? Hangs up the phone.
Bobbi Sue enters and announces a client.
BOBBI SUE
A lovely lady and a contractor looking man enters. Hank is really taken with the lady and even considers that she might be his number eight.
Guides her to a seat.
HANK
Just take a seat, oh you too Mr. Canfield.
Who wants to go first?
MRS. CANFIELD
Me?
HANK
Ladies first.
MRS. CANFIELD
Ok, Mr. Canfield and I seen to be incompatible.
HANK
That’s a shame. Shame on you, Mr. Canfield.
MR. CANFIELD
It’s her not me.
HANK
What did naughty little girl do?
MR. CANFIELD
She went out on me.
HANK
I’m sure there was a good reason, what did you do to make her do such a thing?
Hank All smiles.
The contractor can’t get his wife out of there fast enough.
His second appointment arrives, it’s a couple who have been married only three years and are arguing a lot. They’ve just been seated when–
Carrot Top pokes her head in the door.
CARROT TOP
It’s time to dust your office. It’ll just take a second.
She comes on in and goes to work.
HANK
Thank you for coming in Mr. and Mrs. Heart. What brings you here today of all days.
MRS. HEART
I don’t feel comfortable talking with maintenance present.
Mrs. Heart stares at Carrot Top.
HANK
Oh, she not maintenance, she’s my mom.
HANK
Let me tell you about myself to put you at ease. I know everything there is to know about marriage. I’ve done it 7 times. So, I know all the ends and outs. So you know you got the right man to get you back on track. If you know what I mean.
Mrs. Heart looks at Mr. Heart. He looks at Carrot Top.
HANK
You guys only been married three, years? Did you know that the average marriage is seven years. Surely, you can make it four more years?
The couple is taken aback and not sure he is for them but listens to what he has to say. Which is a lot of bull shit.
The man seems to take him at his word, but the lady is whacked out with him. They leave in a huff.
Bobby Sue enters Hank’s office. Convinces Hank he needs a better approach to not scarce people off.
BOBBI SUE
What happened? She was in tears.
HANK
Maybe, I’m not cut out for this. Mom you didn’t help out either.
CARROT TOP
Well, I could’ve jumped in, but that would’ve made you look more a fool.
BOBBI SUE
You need a better approach Hank. It’ll just take practice. One step at a time..
INT. MARRIAGE SCHOOL – DAY
Hank sits in a classroom. Most all the students are young. He feels out of place. Squirms in his seat. A young teacher enters the classroom.
TEACHER
Well let’s get started. Did everyone get the materials suggested?
Hank looks around and sees everybody has materials. Except him.
Teacher notices.
TEACHER
Would anyone mine sharing your book with Mr. Boner.
The young students laugh.
HANK
It’s Bonner ma’am.
INT. HANK’S RECEPTIONIST OFFICE – DAY
Bobbi Sue turns on her microphone so she can hear Hank’s clients. She thinks she can help him.
A city auditor arrives at the office to talk to Hank about operating his business without a license.
RUSSEL
I’m here to speak with Mr. Hank Bonner
BOBBI SUE
Do you have an appointment, Sir?
RUSSEL
I’m a city auditor.
BOBBI SUE
He’s with a client. He’ll be available in about 20 minutes.
Hank begins to talk to his clients over Bobbi Sue’s microphone. Bobbi Sue turns it off fast.
RUSSEL
I call him let him know when I’m coming back.
INT. HANK’S OFFICE – DAY
Hank realizes that he’s got to change his tune. The next couple is an older couple who love each other and just want to be more appreciated by each other.
Hank knows they’re coming in and studies his manual to be better prepared to talk to them.
They’re seated in Hank’s office.
HANK
Let me give you my background so you can be confident about coming to see me.
They nod.
HANK
I’m studying at the most profound school for marriage counseling. Have been able to help every single one of my clients and I know I can help you too.
The couple look at each other and back at him.
HANK
Does that sound good? Now let’s just get down to your problem. What is it?
They think he’s an oddball and they leave.
Bobbi Sue enters his office.
BOBBI SUE
That didn’t take long?
HANK
They had a small problem.
BOBBI SUE
Yeah?
HANK
Me? I think I scared them.
BOBBI SUE
You’re being to anxious, Hank. I was listening over the mic. Just calm down. I’ll write down what you need to say about your credentials and say no more.
HANK
Why didn’t I think of that.
BOBBI SUE
It’s a big undertaking in the beginning. I’m here to help, if you’ll let me.
BOBBI SUE
Oh, by the way, a city auditor stopped by. He said he’ll call when he can come back.
HANK
Oh hell no, we’ll all be going to jail!
INT. CLUB DINER – NIGHT
Hank walks into the diner looking for Elaine. She’s quietly sitting in a window seat on the other side of the restaurant. He notices how serene she looks.
ELAINE
Thanks for coming Hank. I didn’t know if you would.
HANK
Well, we have had better days.
Hank settles into his seat and takes a deep breath.
ELAINE
We used to be close? At least I thought so?
HANK
When it was all new, we had a good time. Do you miss me Elaine?
ELAINE
I miss the good times. Not your sarcasm.
HANK
I don’t always mean what I say Elaine. It just explodes from my mouth I would like us to get back together. I could do better.
ELAINE
I don’t think you can Hank. It’s just who you are.
HANK
I can try.
ELAINE
What’s this about a marriage counseling business. That’s a laugh.
HANK
There you go be condescending.
ELAINE
How does it feel, Hank?
Waitress arrives to take their order.
WAITRESS
What are we having today, folks?
INT. CAR – DAY
Carrot top drives along in her car. Car phone chimes. Hanks name is on the navigator screen.
CARROT TOP
What did old bitchy want?
Hank in his dream world misinterprets what Elaine had to say.
HANK
She’s not ole bitchy, mom. She just has some concerns that we’re moving to fast with the divorce.
CARROT TOP
Well, I could told her that! She going move back in?
HANK
No, not sure I want her too.
CARROT TOP
I know you better than that. It was true love this time Hank. At least it was for you.
INT. HANKS OFFICE – DAY
The next clients enter Rosy and Max. They’ve been world travelers and have done it all and are now bored with each other. Hank’s going have a hard time with the what if idea, because they seem to have already done it all.
HANK
Ok, If you would state your name and how your related?
ROSY
I’m Rosy Barton, married to Maxy Barton.
MAX
I’m Maxy, Rosy’s husband and handy man.
Hank smiles
HANK
What are you handy at, Maxy?
MAX
Anything she needs, but she don’t need much anymore. Ignores me.
Hank turns to Rosy.
HANK
You don’t care for sex anymore Rosy.
MAX
She’s a dead fish.
ROSY
That’s not true. He just doesn’t give me time to warm up. He’s like a rabbit always ready to go.
Hank glances over at Maxy and invisions a rabbit.
HANK
Oh, I see what you mean.
He glances back over to Rosy and sees a turtle.
HANK
(to Rosy)
I get the picture you guys. You can get there your just not in a hurry.
ROSY
That’s it exactly.
HANK
Ok guys we solved the problem. Next time you make love try this. Rosy you act like a rabbit and Maxy you be the turtle.
Rosy looks at Maxy, and he looks at her.
MAXY
Ok, we can do that.
The clients get up to leave.
HANK
Don’t forget to sign up for your next appointment with Bobbi Sue.
INT. MARRIAGE SCHOOL – DAY
Round table discussion. Teacher gives each group a problem to solve. So each group want be distracted by the others, she hands each group a hand written assignment.
The note is handed to one in the group and passed around the table. We’ll tune into Hank’s group.
TERRI
I can relate to this.
Passes to Hank.
HANK
Well, it’s a woman’s problem if you ask me.
Passes to Calvin.
CALVIN
Not necessarily, I can also relate.
HANK
How can it relate to you, your in charge of your marriage aren’t you.
CALVIN
My wife makes all the money. Money talks.
HANK
Does it ever. One of my wives had a job and it was her way or the highway.
TERRI
Just goes to show that money shouldn’t be a part of respect for each other.
HANK
You’re right Missy.
Terri is taken aback by the word Missy.
TERRI
There you go, you men are all alike, condescending.
HANK
Sorry, Hon. I didn’t mean anything.
She shakes her head.
TERRI
Unbelievable.
INT. HANKS HOUSE – DAY
Carrot Top arrives at Hank’s to clean his house. She carries a mop bucket.
CARROT TOP
You still mopping around?
HANK
I’m lonely this is small house, but I’m lost in it.
CARROT TOP
So you’ve decided to let her come back?
HANK
I’ve got a lot of work to do to get her back. I just don’t understand her point of view.
CARROT TOP
Really?
HANK
There’s a young lady in my class that hit me hard about some of the things I said.
CARROT TOP
What did you say Hank?
HANK
Well, for one I called her Missy?
CARROT TOP
Whoops, your in the professional world now. Women want to be respected. Just like men are?
HANK
And then,…. I called her Hon?’
CARROT TOP
Double whammy umh? That’s a zinger! Women just don’t put up with that in this new world.
INT. HANK’S OFFICE – DAY
Bobbi Sue is busy taking care of all the new appointments coming in, phone rings.
BOBBI SUE
Marriage Counseling Services
MARGARET
Margaret Paris, City Auditor. I’d like to fit into Hank’s schedule today about 2.
BOBBI SUE
Ma’am, I’m so sorry. We are all booked up today.
MARGARET
I’m afraid, Ms Bobbi Sue that your about to be shut down, if you don’t comply with my request.
BOBBI SUE
I’m sorry, Ma’am. 2 will be just fine. I’ll let Hank know.
She hangs up.
Hank enters for his full day work. He knows it’s going be a tough day.
BOBBI SUE
Hank, we got a full day! That city auditor called again today. She’s talking about shutting us down.
HANK
Just what we need. What time?
A couple is in the waiting room. Hank turns to them.
HANK
You’ll come on back.
The couple heard the conversation and assume there going be rushed through.
INT. HANK’S OFFICE – DAY
Margaret sits across the desk from Hank.
MARGARET
Hank you are not understanding what I’m telling you. You are about to be shut down.
HANK
I do understand that. What I don’t understand is why. I’m doing all I can. I had a certificate and I’m getting it renewed.
MARGARET
Well, there’s no other way to say it. Your office will be closed up tomorrow. Pad lock and all.
HANK
What can I do to prove to you that I’m a good guy.
MARGARET
You can’t be just a good guy. You have to follow the law. That certificate you have on the wall is not as good as the paper it’s printed on.
HANK
Well, when you put it that way. We will close our doors tomorrow.
Auditor exits.
Hank makes a phone call to Elaine he needs support.
ELAINE
Good afternoon, Hank. How are you today?
HANK
Terrible! But you sound chipper.
INT. HANKS OFFICE/ RECEPTION AREA – DAY
Hanks walks into the reception area to tell Bobbi Sue the bad news.
HANK
Bad news Bobbi–
BOBBI SUE
Oh no, what?
HANK
I am going to have
To let you go—. The office is closed as of tomorrow.
-
ASSIGNMENT
Subject line: Pat’s Turning Point 1 Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is I changed what my turning point was.
1.Outline your Act 1 Turning Point.
1. An envelope arrive in the mail with a law firm return address.
2. On opening the envelope it’s divorce papers.
3. Hank smacks his head with the envelope and throws in the trash.
2. Write your Act 1 Turning Point.
Outline
EXT. HANKS HOME/MAILBOX – DAY
Hank removes a vanilla envelope from his mailbox. It’s from a law firm.
HANK
Have they found me out already?
INT. HANKS HOME/KITCHEN – DAY
Hank opens the envelope in his kitchen.
It’s the final papers to sign for his divorce.
He snacks his head with the envelope. Discussed with himself
-
Lesson 10: Act 1 Inciting Incident
ASSIGNMENT
Subject line: Pat’s Inciting Incident
What I learned doing this assignment is setting up the inciting incident for future development of the story and continue to learn about character development with their feelings.
Outline Key Scenes 2 & 3 for Act 1.
· Key Scene 1: Exciting opening scene intros a main character, the conflict and/or world.
· Key Scene 2: Inciting Incident propels the protagonist onto the journey!
· Key Scene 3: The emotional reaction to the call.
1. OPENING SCENE OUTLINE
INT. HANK’S HOME – DAY
Hank and his mom, Carrot Top, named for her orange hair, make dinner while Hank tells her about Elaine moving out.
Carrot Top is not surprising. Carrot Top tells him he should get his marriage counseling license back and put it to use because it might help him get Elaine back.
Hank thinks her idea is silly.
2. INCITING INCIDENT OUTLINE
EXT. MAILBOX – DAY
Hanks opens the mailbox to find an envelope from an attorney’s office
He rips it open to find divorce papers.
He smacks himself in the face with the envelope to let things get out of hand.
INT. HANK’S HOME OFFICE – DAY
Hanks searches frantically for Marriage Counselor License.
He finds the license buried in workpapers and shows excitement that he didn’t throw it away.
But, Hank decides to let it go; it won’t work.
3. EMOTIONAL REACTION BEAT SHEET
INT. HANK’S HOME/ELAINE’S HOME – DAY
Hank paces back and forth trying to decide to call Elaine. Decides to call her.
Elaine explains to him that it’s no good, they’re not compatible anymore.
Hank hangs up the phone in tears. Elaine is
emotional too as she hangs up the phone -
ASSIGNMENT 9 Beat sheet to Outline
Subject line: Pat’s Act 1: Opening Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is how to better organize scenes for understanding.
Go to your Beat Sheet and find the opening scene and a second lead character introduction. Create a simple outline those scenes for those two scenes.
Act 1 Key scenes
• Key Scene 1: Exciting opening scene intros a main character, the conflict and/or world.
• Key Scene 2: Inciting Incident propels the protagonist onto the journey!
• Key Scene 3: The protagonist reacts emotionally to the Inciting Incident.
• Key Scene 4: Turning Point – Lock in the journey.
1. OPENING SCENE BEAT SHEET
INT. Hank’s Home – Day
Hank has invited his mom, Carrot Top over for a pity party. His wife has moved out and threatens divorce.
OPENING SCENE OUTLINE
INT. HANK’S HOME – DAY
BEGINNING: Hank and his mom, Carrot Top, make dinner while Hank tells her about Elaine moving out.
MIDDLE: Carrot Top is not surprised. Carrot Top tells him he should get his marriage counseling license back and put it to use it might help him get Elaine back.
ENDING: Hank thinks her idea is silly.
2. INCITING INCIDENT SCENE BEAT SHEET
EXT. HOME OFFICE/ MAILBOX – DAY
Divorce papers arrive in the mail.
INCITING INCIDENT OUTLINE
BEGINNING: Divorce Papers arrive in the mail.
MIDDLE: Hank emotionally searches for the Marriage Counselor License. He finds the license buried in work papers and shows excitement that he didn’t throw it away.
END: Hank decides to let it go; it won’t work.
3. EMOTIONAL REACTION BEAT SHEET
INT. HANK’S HOME/ELAINE’S HOME – DAY
Hank makes an emotional phone call to Elaine.
EMOTIONAL SCENE OUTLINE
BEGINNING: Hank paces back and forth trying to decide to call Elaine.
MIDDLE: Elaine explains to him that it’s no good, they’re compatible anymore.
END: Hank hangs up the phone in tears. Elaine is emotional too as she hangs up the phone.
4. TURNING POINT – LOCK IN THE JOURNEY BEAT SHEET
INT. HANK’S HOME – DAY
Hank tries to get his License reinstated.
TURNING POINT OUTLINE
BEGINNING: Hank realizes he must do something before it’s too late. : He visits the authorized school for the Counselor License.
MIDDLE: Speaks with a teacher at the school about how to get it reinstated. She tells him the license is too old and he would have to start at the beginning.
END: He signs up for the school.
:
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ASSIGNMENT 14
Pat Galbraith’s Meaningful Action
“What I learned doing this assignment is how to express meaning through action.
1. Look through your script and make a list of all the scenes that don’t currently have meaningful action.
2. Go to the first scene and ask the following questions:
• 1. What is the meaning of the scene?
• 2. How can that meaning be expressed through action
• Meaning of scene 18: Shows that they are excited and nervous about their plan not working.
• Original Scene 18: Rob Broadrick sits across from George. Rob lights a cigarette.
Rewrite Scene 18: Rob lights a cigarette as he squirms in his seat.
• Meaning of scene 20: Ronnie’s first drop off is in a place not familiar to him
• Original Scene 20: Even though it’s daytime, the bar is dark as Ronnie walks in. He spots a guy wiping the counter.
• Scene 20: Rewrite: Ronnie scats into the dark bar. Spots a guy wiping the counter. (His hurrying)
•
• Meaning of scene 38: Beth is excited to know what’s wrong with Ronnie.
• Scene: 38 Beth stands at a table totaling an order, lays check on the table. Glances up to see Ronnie arrive on his skateboard. Ronnie runs through the door.
• Scene 38 Rewrite: As Beth lays a check on the table, she glances up to see Ronnie run
• through the door
• Meaning scene 47: The kids are interested in what Ronnie has to tell them.
• Scene 47: Jody and Luella arrive at the park and hit the walls. Charlie arrives and gets with them. As Ronnie skates up, the three skate over to him.
• Meaning: The boys are nervous and want to solve the problem.
• Original Scene 68: The boys stand outside.
• Rewrite: The boys pace discussing what to do.
• Meaning: Beth and Ronnie discuss going back to the police.
• Original Scene 69: Scene: Beth and Ronnie finish eating. Discuss going to the police.
Rewrite: Beth and Ronnie clean the dishes from the table. Discuss going to the police.
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ASSIGNMENT 8 1. Theme and 2. Antagonist
Subject line: Pat’s Beat Sheet Draft 2
What I learned doing this assignment is to purposely place scenes for theme.
To purposely place powerful scenes for Antagonist story.
1. Listen to the Empowerment Audio.
https://30dayscript.s3.amazonaws.com/Empowerment+Audio.m4a
2. Use the High-Speed Writing Rules as you do today’s assignment.
· Do Pass 1: Interweave theme the beat sheet.
The theme shows up in three stages:
Opening theme: Hank uses
sarcasm to demonstratehis attitude and current personality..
Middle: Hank demonstrates his sarcastic personality to
everyone heMeets.
End: Elaine
realizes that Hank is working hard to change.· Pass 2: Antagonist Journey
· Antagonist
An. Ongoing back and forth with the Protagonist — Attack/Counter Attack
· This is a comedy story, so they are adversaries. The villain is Hank’s attitude for using sarcasm.
Marriage Counselor Boss (Comedy)
Villain: Hank’s sarcasm and misunderstanding
1. Hank and Elaine have an argument because of his use of sarcasm she moves out.
2. Elaine is a strong educated woman and will not put up with Hank’s sarcasm.
3. Elaine catches Hank with what she believes to be another love interest.
4. Elaine calls a plumber to fix her sink, Hank calls and the plumber answers.
5. The other woman explains to Elaine that she and Hank do not have a relationship.
6. Elaine sees Hank is changing.
7. Elaine realizes she loves Hank.
8. Elaine moves back home with Hank a changed man.
·
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ASSIGNMENT 7
Subject line: Pat’s High Speed Beat Sheet
What I learned doing this assignment is new ways to keep the writing process flowing.
Listen to the Empowerment Audio.
https://30dayscript.s3.amazonaws.com/Empowerment+Audio.m4a
2. Decide to intentionally use the High Speed Writing Rules throughout the rest of this program.
Rule 1: Understand writing in
drafts.
Rule 2: Choose speed over quality
for EARLY drafts.
Rule 3: Allow yourself to start
(and continue) without all the answers.
Rule 4: Use empowering self talk.
Cheer yourself on.
Rule 5: Give yourself freedom to
write without criticism.
Rule 6: Keep moving. Don’t allow
yourself to ever stall out.
Rule 7: if it doesn’t come to
you, give it to your creative mind to process.3. Use the High Speed Writing Rules as you create your Beat Sheet.
Pass 1: Organize your Structure
and Transformational Events.
Pass 2: Add slug lines.
Pass 3: Add placeholders and
additional scenes.BEAT SHEET
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
OPENING
HANK invites his mom, CARROT TOP, over for a pity party. His wife has moved out.
EXT. MAILBOX – DAY
INCITING INCIDENT
Hank opens the mailbox, it’s from an attorney. He opens the letter to discover that it’s divorce paper
T1. Losing the only wife he ever loved.
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
Hank calls his mom to come over. She does and tells him he needs to pull out his marriage counselor’s license and use it to get her back.
T2. Thinks that involving himself in the marriage business will help him learn but he fails at first.
INT. HANK’S HOUSE/OFFICE – DAY
Hank finds the diploma, but it’s expired.
Hank calls the school to find out how to reinstate the license.
He learns he’ll have to go back to school to have it reinstated.
ACT II
NEW PLAN
Hank’s mom convinces him it’s the thing to do.
It will help get his wife back.
INT. CAR – DAY
Carrot top convinces Hank to go ahead and open his marriage business without the license.
PLACEHOLDER:
Hanks many trials with working with people at the school.
T3. Makes sarcastic comments to other potential friends who he alienates.
INT. HANK’S BUSINESS OFFICE – DAY
City officials soon learn he’s operating without a license.
MIDDLE
The business is closed.
INT. ELAINE’S HOUSE – DAY
Elaine invites Hank for a talk at a Bistro.
PLOT POINT 2.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Hank talks with Terri from school She realizes he’s been hurt.
T4. After Hank talks with Terri he realizes that other people have feelings too.
Elaine catches Hank at a bar with another woman, TERRI, a fellow student.
When Elaine doesn’t show he calls her, and a man answers.
T5. Gains confidence through Terri that can see through his facade.
ACT 4
PLACE HOLDER
They are both mad at each other.
INT. ELAINE’S HOME – DAY
Terri, the fellow student, calls on Elaine to tell her she has no claims on Hank.
INT. HANK’S HOUSE/ELAINE’S HOUSE – DAY
Elaine and Hank talk on the phone. He wants to know who the man is that answered the phone.
Elaine explains that her sink was overflowing, and she had called the Maintenance man.
T6. His wife recognizes he’s changing.
T7. Gaining even more confidence, he vows not to use sarcasm to hurt others.
PLACE HOLDER
Hank’s graduation from Marriage School.
INT. HANK’S HOUSE – DAY
Hank’s license shows up in the mail after waiting several days.
T8. Knows he can show love and not be afraid of losing.
Elaine moves back into the house.
4. When you post this assignment, make a commitment to the group that you are going to use these High-Speed Writing Rules to get your script done at record speed.
I commit to the group; I will use high speed rules to
get my script done at record speed.-
This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by
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ASSIGNMENT 6
Subject line: Pat’s Transformational Events
What I learned doing this assignment is helps me to know
how these scenes should be placed in my script and there all there.
1. Listen to the Empowerment Audio.
3. Start with the Character Arc and the list of Old Ways and New Ways.
Old Ways: Afraid of being hurt; using sarcasm to make people think he’s in charge.
New Ways: Not afraid of falling in love; Vows not to use sarcasm as a crutch.
3. Make a list of 6 – 8 changes or steps that need to happen for that character to go from who they are in the beginning (Old Ways) to who they are in the ending (New Ways).
4. Sequence the steps from easiest to most difficult. This will imply the journey
the character takes.
1. Losing the only wife he ever loved.
2. Thinks that involving himself in the marriage
Business will help him learn but he fails at first.
3. Makes sarcastic comments to other potential friends who he alienates.
4. Realizing that other people have feelings too.
5. Gains confidence through a girl that can see through his facade.
6. His wife recognizes he’s changing.
7. Gaining even more confidence, he vows not to use sarcasm to hurt others.
8. Knows he can show love and not be afraid of losing.
5. Brainstorm dramatic events or tests that could cause those changes for the character.
Wife moves out of the house.
Opens a marriage counseling business. The business fails.
Talking to clients with sarcasm. Realizing that other people have feelings too.
A girl in the marriage school recognizes his problem and talks with him about it.
His wife notices he’s changing. He begins to have confidence in himself.
He doesn’t need to be sarcastic and keep people at arm’s length.
He begins to show love and to love people.
6. Add these transformational events to your four-act structure.
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ASSIGNMENT 5
Subject line: Pat’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
What I learned from this assignment is the villain needs to be in every turning point
First Draft of 4 Act Transformational Structure.
1. Give us the following:
Concept: A marriage counselor
returns to the field as his 7<sup>th</sup> marriage fails. <div>Main Conflict: Getting his wife
back. Hank must learn how a real
marriage works.Old Ways Hank uses sarcasm in
his daily life. Alienating his
wives and friends.New Ways: Hank learns better
ways to approach people in his life without sarcasm.2. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.
Act 1:
Opening: Hanks having a pity
party with his mother, who think he hung the moon.
Inciting Incident: Divorce papers arrive in the mail from
his wife, Elaine. </div><div>Turning Point: Hank discovers his license is out of date
but opens the marriage counseling business anyway.Act 2:
New plan: The plan is to save
other people’s marriages through his new profession and win his wife back. </div><div>Plan in action: Hank goes to
night school to get the license reinstated. Hank continues with his
sarcasm. His clients are not impressed.Midpoint Turning Point: Hanks
business gets closed down by a city official.Act 3:
Rethink everything: He misses
his wife and wants her back. </div><div>New plan: Hank decides to continue
with his schooling. Invites his wife to meet him at a Bistro.Turning Point: Huge failure /
Major shift: Elaine his wife his running late and he gives her a
call. A man answers. Hank sits at the bar talking to a young
lady from night school, when his wife enters. Elaine leaves without him
knowing she came.Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the
conflict
Hank and Elaine have a major
fight with both of them saying things they don’t mean.</div><div>Resolution
Hank completes his night school program. Students in the class have learned to like Hank.
Hank has an accidental meeting with Elaine, she can tell he’s changed and they make a date for dinner. Hank has high hopes.
His new license comes in the
mail. </div>Visions of Hank’s new clients appreciate
what he can do to help them. He’s a changed man.Elaine moves her stuff back
into the house. -
ASSIGNMENT 4
Listen to the Empowerment Audio.
https://30dayscript.s3.amazonaws.com/Empowerment+Audio.m4a
Subject line: Pat’s Character Interviews
What I learned doing this assignment is that this will also add to the plot because the characters feel real.
2. Pull out the character profiles for your protagonist and antagonist.
3. Then interview each character, knowing that they will answer any questions you ask.
As you interview them, allow them to tell you their experience.
QUESTIONS FOR YOUR PROTAGONIST
1. Tell me about yourself.
I’m Hank. I lived a good life I’ve had 7 wives.
2. Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you?
I want to save my last marriage. I’m the perfect person for this journey
3. You are up against . What is it about them that makes this journey even more difficult for you? I have a false believe that because I’ve been married 7 times I know how to make a marriage work.
4. In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be the most difficult?
To be more truthful about my true feelings. Not afraid to be open with my spouse.
5. What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of?
Sarcasm it’s become a part of me.
6. What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back?
I have a fear of failing again. I’ve hidden my sorrow from all my broken marriages.
7. What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist? Because I’ve failed 6 times I’m an expert on marriage.
8. What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to know?
I don’t anyone to know that I’ve failed and that it hurts me.
9. What do you think of marriage? It’s a special bond, if it works.
10. Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.
I’ve tried really hard, but always shoot myself in the foot.
11. What does it do for your life is you succeed here? I’d feel whole again .
12. Why do you use sarcasm as a tool to push people away? I think it’s because I’m afraid of being hurt if I’m too serious. Can’t give my feelings away.
QUESTIONS FOR YOUR ANTAGONIST
1. Tell me about yourself. I’m Hank’s 7th wife.
2. Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses?
Strengths: I’ve been hurt and don’t want to deal with it again.
Weakness: I love Hank with all my heart.
3. Why are you committed to making the Protagonist fail? Or for a relationship movie, why are you committed to making them change?
Change is the only thing that will make my marriage work.
4. What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition?
I love Hank, I want the marriage to work. But he can’t continue to be a jerk.
5. What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death?
I know he can continue to hurt me. But it’s worth working on if he can change.
6. What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity?
Secret: That I will come back. I can’t let him know until he makes changes.
7. Compared to other people like you, what makes you special?
I’m special because I know he loves me.
8. What do you think of all his other wives? They are a no issue because he didn’t love them.
9. Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story. Hank has treated me badly with his sarcasm and he’s somewhat of a bully.
4. Add any new info to your Character Profiles and share with us what discovered about the characters.
The characters are open and honest about what’s going on in the script.
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ASSIGNMENT 3
Subject line: <ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:35″>Pat’s Character</ins> Profile Part 2
What I learned doing this assignment?<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:29″> </ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:29″>Con</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:30″>tinued to learn more about my characters</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:30″>.</ins>
1. Listen to the 3-minute Empowerment Audio.
2. Fill in Part 2 of the character Profile for your two lead characters
.<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:11″></ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:11″>Protagonist: Hank</ins>
• What draws us to this character?
Hank is a person who hides his feelings. He uses sarcasm to hide his true feelings, that causes people to draw away from him.
• Traits: Likes to give gifts, loves his mom,<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:31″> uses sarcasm to hide his feelings.</ins>
• Subtext: He uses sarcasm to hide his feelings when he can’t handle the truth.
• Flaw: Has a bad attitude. Doesn’t understand why he can’t keep a wife.
• Values: He values his mom, and his friends, but they don’t know that.
• Irony: Hank doesn’t know that his sarcasm hurts people. He believes himself to be a good person he’s just misunderstood.
• What makes this the right character for this role? Hank makes us understand what a person like <ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:10″> </ins>he is hurts and don’t understand why people treat him as they do.<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:11″></ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:11″>Villain</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:25″>s</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:11″>:</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:26″></ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:26″>His current wife:</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:27″> She thinks she’s had enough of Hank and wants a divorce.</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:17″></ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:17″>Change Agent:</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:19″> </ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:11″>Hank is his own worst </ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:12″>enemy</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:11″>.</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:12″> He must learn that to get his wife back.</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:18″></ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:18″>Authority: Officer who investigates Hank operating the Marriage Counseling business </ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:19″>without</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:18″> a license.</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:17″></ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:28″>Added</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:29″> Character Profile</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:28″> Part I</ins>
Make any improvements you think of to your Part 1 profile and bring the two parts together.
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Pick the type of role your Protagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfill that role.</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″></ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:28″>Explores</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″> how to
help people with their marriages</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:20″> when he
really doesn’t have a clue.</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″></ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Dreamer Has a dream like imagination that he
knows all about marriages. He must
learn that he doesn’t know anything about marriages and his clients are
the ones who teach him that he’s been all wrong.</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>3. Pick the type of role your Antagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfill that role.</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:21″></ins>
· <ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:23″>H</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:21″>is current </ins>wife<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:22″> </ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:22″>wants a divorce.</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″></ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Change Agent: He’s a know it all and must
change to be happy.</ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Authority:
Officer investigating his operation of Marriage counselor without a
license. He must finish his night classes to become legal.</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>4. What other characters might be necessary?</ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>“</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Supporting
characters: His mother Carrot Top; Receptionist: Bobbi Sue</ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Minor roles: The clients</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>5. Pick your genre.</ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Rom-Com or Buddy Movie</ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>6. Fill in whatever answers come to you about your lead character profiles. </ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Role in the story: A want a be marriage
counselor.</ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Age range and Description: 30 – 40</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Internal Journey: He believes he knows all about marriage
because he’s been married 7 times.</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>External Journey: To find a way to be happy
again. Journey He’s goes from hurt to finding his way back to the last
ex-wife.</ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Motivation: To prove that he can have a
successful marriage.</ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Wound: He’s been hurt 7 times when his
ex-wives divorce him.</ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Mission/Agenda: When his 7</ins><sup><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>th</ins></sup><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″> wife</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:33″> w</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:34″>ants to</ins><ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″> </ins>divorce<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″> him, he’s motivated to change </ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>Secret: That he’s hurt by the divorces but
doesn’t admit it.</ins>
<ins cite=”mailto:Patricia%20Galbraith” datetime=”2023-07-19T10:16″>What makes them special? He loves his mother.</ins> -
I, Pat Galbraith, agree to the entire release form below.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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ASSIGNMENT 1
Subject line: Pat’s Transformational Journey
What I learned doing this assignment is how to better get the internal arc set up.
You send a Hero on a journey that the audience gets to live.
1. Listen to the 3 minute Empowerment Audio FIRST.
https://30dayscript.s3.amazonaws.com/Empowerment+Audio.m4a
2. Who is your Hero and what is their Character Arc that represents a transformation?
Hank, a man who has had 7 failed marriages, who wants to be a marriage counselor.
Internal Journey: Blindly not understanding what marriage is
about.<div>External Journey: Hank, needs
to get his wife back, but he doesn’t know it yet.3. What are the Old Ways and New Ways?
Old Ways
Hank is a know it all. But really is blind to others needs.
New Ways
Understands why his wife left him.
Knows he was a know it all.
Has more respect for others.
</div>
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ASSIGNMENT 2
Subject line: Pat’s Character Profiles part I
What I learned doing this assignment is it helps to get inside the protagonist head. About all the parts he’s got going on.
1. Listen to the 3-minute Empowerment Audio FIRST.
https://30dayscript.s3.amazonaws.com/Empowerment+Audio.m4a
2. Pick the type of role your Protagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfill that role.
Explores with how to help
people with their marriagesDreamer Has a dream like
imagination that he knows all about marriages. He must learn that he doesn’t know
anything about marriages and his clients are the ones who teach him that
he’s been all wrong.3. Pick the type of role your Antagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfill that role.
Change Agent: He’s a know it
all and must change to be happy.
Authority: Officer investigating his operation
without a license. He must finish his night classes to become legal.4. What other characters might be necessary?
· “Supporting characters: His mother Carrot Top; Receptionist: Bobbi Sue
· Minor roles: The clients
5. Pick your genre.
Rom-Com or Buddy Movie
6. Fill in whatever answers come to you about your lead character profiles.
Role in the story: A want a be
marriage counselor.
Age range and Description: 30 –
40Internal Journey: He believes he knows all about marriage
because he’s been married 7 times.External Journey: To find a way
to be happy again. Journey He’s goes from hurt to finding his way back to
the last ex-wife.
Motivation: To prove that he
can have a successful marriage.
Wound: He’s been hurt 7 times
when his ex-wives divorced him.
Mission/Agenda: When his 7<sup>th</sup>
wife divorces him, he’s motivated to change
Secret: That he’s hurt by the
divorces but doesn’t admit it.
What makes them special? He
loves his mother. -
Lesson 13
Pat’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment is to go through and find those scenes that are less than entertaining and elevate them through this process.
Your job for this assignment is to use this process and experience success with it.
1. From your script, select a scene that would benefit from a more compelling scene structure. Place it at the top of the page, then do the rest of the steps below in order.
I’ve chosen a scene that introduces the antagonist that threatens a city official.
The original scene:
A CITY COMMISSIONER walks to his car in a dark parking garage.
A shadow of a man moves to a nearby pole.
The commissioner moves quickly to get to his car.
ROB BROADRICK, 40’s, a corrupt contractor, steps out of the shadows. moves closer, draws his gun, backs the commissioner up against his car. Stabbing the gun into his throat, threatening him, that he must help him with his 10-million-dollar corrupt project or he will kill his family.
ROB BROADRICK
I’ve got a project that means a lot to me. You’re going to help me get it through the city planning commission.
The commissioner, scared beyond reason, shakes his head, no.
Rob gets angered, hits the commissioner with the butt of his gun.
The commissioner hits the ground with a thud. Groans as he looks up at Rob.
Rob points the gun at the commissioner and threatens the life of his family.
ROB BROADRICK
I’d hate to see something happen to your wife and kids.
The commissioner shakes his head, yes.
2. List the components of the scene and what you are trying to accomplish.
What I’m trying to accomplish with this scene? To add more suspense.
Original Scene:
Beginning: Antagonist surprises his target in a dark garage.
Middle: Beats and threatens the city official’s family
Ending: The official finally agrees to help him when his family is threatened.
3. Imagine the scene being played out through three or more of the 11 scene structures.
Irony
Beginning: Antagonist attacks city official in a dark garage.
Middle: The official carries a gun.
Ending: Antagonist backs off.
Misinterpretation
Beginning: Antagonist attacks city official in a dark garage
Middle: He learns he has not attacked the right man.
Ending: Antagonist runs off.
Suspense
Beginning: Antagonist attacks city official in a dark garage.
Middle: The official has a gun. They wrestle for the gun
Ending: Antagonist gets control and threatens his family, official finally agrees.4. Make your choice of the new scene structure and rewrite the scene.
My choice is to add more suspense and
surprise of the city official having a gun -
ASSIGNMENT 12 Pat’s Scene Ratings
“What I learned doing this assignment is: it’s an excellent exercise to improve quality of script by asking the following questions.
With each scene, asked the following questions.
A. To what degree does it evoke
emotion?
B. To what degree does it
intrigue or create curiosity?
C. To what degree does it
create anticipation of future.Scenes starting from 50 and moving to the beginning.
Scene ) Emotion, Intrigue, Anticipation Average
50) 5 6 6 5.6
49) 6 6 6 6
47) 6 6 6 6
45) 5 5 5 5
44) 7 7 7 7
43) 7 7 7 7
42) 7 7 7 7
41) 8 8 8 8
40) 7 7 7 7
39) 7 7 7 7
38) 7 7 7 7
37) 6 6 6 6
33) 6 6 6 6
31) 7 6 6 6.3
32) 7 7 7 7
30) 7 7 7 7
29) 7 7 7 7
28) 8 8 8 8
27) 6 6 7 6.5
26) 5 6 5 5.3
25) 7 5 7 6.2
24) 5 5 5 5
23) 7 7 6 6.6
22) 6 6 6 6
21) 5 6 6 5.9
20) 5 6 6 5.9
19) 5 6 6 5.9
18) 5 5 5 5
17( 6 6 6 6
16) 6 7 7 6.6
15) 7 7 7 7
14) 5 6 7 6
13) 6 7 7 6.6
12) 5 5 6 5.3
11) 7 7 7 7
10) 7 7 7 7
9) 7 7 7 7
8) 6 6 6 6
7) 7 5 5 5.6
6) 7 5 5 5.6
5) 7 7 6 8
4) 7 6 6 6.6
3) 7 6 7 6.8
2) 6 5 6 5.9
Interpretation of ratings: This lets me know where I need to work on scenes.
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What I learned from this assignment is filling in a few pot holes for better understanding of my script. Descriptions of Characters and their names are important for readers to help remember them better. I changed the flow in one area of the script.
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I have a thriller anyone ready to exchange pgalbraith@epbfi.com
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Jenifer Stockdale, would you like to exchange? Or if anyone else may have a thriller.
Pat’s Outline Exchange 1
Title: Psychic’s Crow
Written by: Pat Galbraith
E:mail: pgalbraith@epbfi.com
Genre: Thriller
Concept: A fatherless skateboarder and his misfit friends, including a pet crow, discover his mentor has been killed. They risk their lives to find his killer and bring the killer to justice.
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<div>
Pat’s Fascinating Scene Outline
What I learned from doing
this assignment is how to have a beginning, middle, and ending to every scene and
to further apply interest techniques.Changes I made to my outline.
Character – Added Ronnie
is afraid of guns because his father was killed in the war.Intrigue – Mr. Greenfield
was giving things away and he may have a reason.Suspense& uncertainty –
George is desperate to get Rob for client. He’s about to lose his job.Mystery/ Suspense – Ronnie’s
in shock about learning about a murder and thinks the man knows, he knows. He
doesn’t know who these men are.Surprise – surprise of
shock when they watch the man being murdered. They stand up and reveal
themselves without realizing what they are doing.Emotion – Added a tear to
show emotion when he finds out it’s his mentor friend that’s killed.Suspense – added a scene
where George is walking through the lobby, and they don’t know he’s coming.</div>
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Subject Line: Pat Galbraith Elevates Lead Characters!
What I learned from this assignment is leads should be in most all scenes, to show off their special abilities, character leads should be introduced powerfully to entice actors. Don’t be afraid to show their flaws.
1. Pull out your outline.
2. Read the explanation of each of these needs above and see if any exist for your outline. If so, this is an opportunity to make it stronger.
• A. Need Stronger Lead Characters
• B. Need Stronger Character Intros
• C. Playing it Too Safe
• D. Lead Characters Not Present
3. Knowing that any character can be rewritten many ways, solve or elevate as many of those as you can.
4. Give us a list of the changes you made to your script. But don’t post the outline, yet.
Changes I made to Character profiles.
A: Introduction: Introduce him with his special ability, skateboarding.
B: Stronger Lead character: Brought his abilities out as to being a master at skateboarding
C: Playing it to safe: Already has conflicts with his mother.
D: Lead Characters not Present: Made sure Leads are in most scenes.
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Pat Galbraith solves major problems.
“What I learned from doing this assignment is more ways to bring essential conventions in major ways.
1. Pull out your outline.
2. Read the explanation of each of these needs above and see if any can be applied to your outline to make it stronger.
A. Need Stronger Transformational
JourneyB. Need Stronger Conflict
C. Need Stronger Opening
D. Need Stronger Ending
Give us a list of the changes you made to your script. But don’t post the outline, yet.
A. Added emotional scenes and building confidence scenes.
B. Added more vocal conflict and action conflict (Hit and run)
C. Added a villain scene for the beginning. (He threatens one of his allies to make him go along with his plan)
D. Added more action for protagonist in the ending.
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Pat Galbraith’s Outline Improvements
“What I learned doing this assignment is Villain’s character arc begins before the script begins.
Thrillers are driven by the villain, not all characters have an arc. Character profiles adds much more interest to the story. We get to know the characters better.
1. Pull out your outline from the start of the program.
2. Go to the previous lessons where you completed each of these steps:
A. Deliver on the pitch.
B. Match your 4-Act structure.
C. Strong on Genre Conventions.
D. The Characters Take Action
from their Profiles.
E. Build in each Character’s
Story Line.3. Compared the outline to each completed assignment and made improvements to the outline . Gave clarity on what my story is about and how it delivers powerfully on the pitch, genre conventions, 4-Act structure, character story lines, and the character profiles.
4. Tell us the improvements this made to your outline, but don’t include the outline, yet.
A. Gave all my characters an arc, gave more attention to what they want and need, made conventions stronger.
B. Added a new opening scene with villain threatening the city commissioner at gunpoint.
C. Made conventions stronger and more frightening.
D. Added some twists with characters going from ally to enemy.
E. Adding more emotion to scenes where necessary.
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Pat Galbraith’s Character Story <b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Lines
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>What I learned doing this assignment is this really helps to make sure character
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>stories have an arc and the plot has no holes.
1. Create a Story Line for each of your main characters.
Start with the main character.
· Ronnie Hester – Protagonist
· Rob Broadrick – Villain
· The Crow
· Charlie – Ronnie’s friend
· Jody – Ronnie’s girlfriend
· Stan – Ronnie’s friend
· Louella – Jody’s friend
2. Create a structure of the character’s story line.
Ronnie Hester – Protagonist
· Beginning: Ronnie’s job is washing dishes in a restaurant. His mom treats him like a child.
· Inciting Incident: Ronnie overhears a murder plot.
· Turning Point: Ronnie’s forced into getting justice for the killing of his fatherly mentor.
· Midpoint: Ronnie can’t get the sheriff to believe his story.
· Turning Point 2:
With 3 of Ronnie’s friends kidnapped, and Stan with a medical condition, Ronnie’s running out of time to find them before Stan dies.
· Major Conflict:
Ronnie uses the crow to find the 3 friends. He finds them in a warehouse where the villains are planning on killing them. The sheriff finally shows up but the villains get a drop on Ronnie and the sheriff. The villain is taking them down to river to kill them.
The crow sweeps in and attacks the killer, causes the killer to run for his life right into the sheriff’s back up team.
Rob Broadrick – Villain
· Beginning: Rob makes plans to dupe the city
· Turning point: Rob finds out Mr. Greenfield is going to be in the way of his plan and kills him.
· Midpoint: Rob kidnaps Charlie. Prevents Charlie from participating in the skating competition.
· Turning Point 2: Rob kidnaps Stan
· Major Conflict: Rob and the hitman hold the sheriff and Ronnie at gun point.
· Ending: The Crow attacks him
· He runs for the door and is apprehended by the Sheriff’s backup.
The Crow:
· Beginning: The Crow is owned by a former psychic. Charlie buys him from a former psychic’s daughter at an estate sale. He comes with his training manual and a gold ball.
· Turning Point 1: The Crow is a novelty to all the kids. He has special skills. Gold ball lights up when thrown in the air.
· Midpoint: Ronnie takes him home with him when Charlie is kidnapped. But disappoints Ronnie when he finds out the training manual is written in latin.
· Turning Point 2: Ronnie finally figures out the interpretation process for the manual.
· Major Conflict: Leads Ronnie to the kidnapped kids. Attacks the villain’s hit man.
Stan
· Beginning: Stan and Ronnie are friends from school.
· Turning Point 1: Learns Ronnie needs his help to get justice.
· Midpoint: Stan has been kidnapped and he has a medical condition.
· Turning Point 2: Stan is sitting in a warehouse and is unconscious.
· Major Conflict: Stan is unconscious.
· Ending: Stan is unconscious, Louella gives him his medication and he’s taken to the hospital.
Jody
· Beginning: Jody’s Ronnie’s girlfriend.
· Turning Point 1: Learns Ronnie needs her help to bring villain to justice. Ronnie gives her a ring.
· Midpoint: Jody gets run over by villain.
· Turning Point 2: Jody is kidnapped.
· Major Conflict: Villain is making plans to kill the 3 kids.
She sits in the back of the warehouse listening to the villain taking charge of Ronnie and sheriff.
· Ending: She is released when the crow finally takes charge and gets the situation under control.
Louella
· Beginning: Louella and Jody are friends
Louella has lost her mom and is having an estate sell.
· Turning Point 1: Louella is having trouble paying her bills. Afraid she won’t be able to stay in her home.
· Midpoint: She sells her crow to Charlie.
· Turning Point 2: She helps Ronnie with the magical components he needs for the crow to help locate the 3 missing friends.
· Major Conflict: She helps Ronnie break into the warehouse and rescue their friends.
· Ending: She finds a way to keep her home.
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Subject Line: Pat Galbraith’s Name’s Profile
“What I learned doing this assignment is how much work I need to do in character profiles.
1. Create Character Profiles for each of your lead characters by filling in the blanks.
A. Name: Ronnie Hester
B. Role in the Story: Protagonist who must solve the murder and bring the villain to justice.
C. Core Traits: Ambitious, adventurous, loves his mom, dedicated to his friends, misses his father,
quick-tempered.
D. Motivation: He’s in a dead-end job, wants a better job. Need: To find who killed Mr. Greenfield and bring them to justice.
E. Flaw/Wound: quick tempered/Wound: Being fatherless he searches for another.
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: He wants to do something great in his life.
G. Internal Dilemma: His mother treats him as a child/Coping with no father figure.
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? The lie he believes that all people are good.
A. Name: Rob Broadrick
B. Role in the story: Antagonist
C. Core Traits: Malicious, scheming, underhanded,
D. Motivation: Money; Status,
E. Flaw/ dangerous mind. /Wound: His father was a drunk and never was at home.
F Secret/ Hidden Agenda: Bribing a city official
G. Internal Dilemma: Has failed on his jobs before needs approvals.
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? He is not a good man and fits with what Ronnie needs to learn.
A. Name: Charlie
B. Role in the Story: Ronnie’s friend and skateboarder
C. Core Traits: dedicated to his friends, independent,
Ambitious, has no family, moves in homes that are vacant. Works as maintenance in a bar.
D. Motivation: Wants to take care of himself; Needs a family to love.
E. Flaw/Wound: untrusting of strangers/wound: He feels forgotten by his family
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: That he lives in vacant houses.
G. Internal Dilemma: That he might be put in a foster home.
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? Charlie and Ronnie hit it right off and have become tight friends. Makes Charlie feel like he’s a part of something.
A. Name: Jody
B. Role in the Story: Ronnie’s girlfriend; skateboarder
C. Core Traits:
Ambitious, beautiful, planning for college, gets frustrated with Ronnie sometimes.
D. Motivation: Wants Ronnie to have same mind set she does Need: To help Ronnie with his problem.
E. Flaw/Wound: She holds in her feelings. / Wound not that we can see.
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: She loves Ronnie.
G. Internal Dilemma: Whether Ronnie loves her or not.
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? She provides stability for the others.
A: Name: Stan:
B. Role in the story: Skateboarder friend
C. Core traits: Dependent on others, lack of self-esteem, loves food even though he as diabetes,
D: Motivation: Wants to please Ronnie and help him out. Needs to have friends he can depend on.
E. Flaw/Wound; His parents are not home much, and he’s left alone. He searches for love.
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: He has a medical problem.
G. Internal Dilemma: He has a problem connecting with people because he’s been alone so much.
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? Stan needs these friends to help him cope. Helping them makes him feel like he belongs somewhere.
A: Name: Louella
B: Role in the story: Jody’s friend; skateboarder
C. Core traits: Dressing in gothic clothing; kind, helpful
D. Motivation: To get her home and finances. In order after her mother’s death.
E. Flaw/ /Wound: Resented her mother’s profession.
F: Secret/Hidden Agenda: She has psychic tendencies; she has feelings for Ronnie too.
G. Internal Dilemma: Can she handle the tendencies she’s feeling and be like her mother.
2. Answer the questions to improve the Character Profiles.
A: Are there any parts of the
profile that you could improve?
Maybe better internal problems.’
Hidden secrets should be brought out better.
B: Can this character fulfill
their role in the story more effectivelyYes, with some of these questions answered. I can work them into the script.
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Lesson 3
Subject: Pat Galbraith’s Beats of 4 Act Structure
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” A different way of going about a rewrite and to continually consider better changes.
A. Genre: Action/Thriller
B. Title: Black Bird
C. High Concept: A fatherless skateboarder, and his misfit friends, including a crow, discover his fatherly mentor has been killed, they risk their lives to find his killer and bring the killer to justice.
D. Main Conflict: When Ronnie’s Mentor gets in the way of villain’s’ plan to falsely get funds from the City to build on a large construction site he is killed. When Ronnie and his friends investigate the killing of his mentor, the villains stalk Ronnie and his friends. One friend after the other is kidnapped with impending death.
A corrupt contractor plans to build a 100-million-dollar construction on land that has transmission towers. The towers are known to cause cancer. But he plans to bribe a city commissioner to keep that quite.
E. Transformation Journey: Ronnie is very trusting as a young teen, believes people are all good. His confidence in himself is building to go out into the world and stand up to find the killers and rescue his friends.
F. Opposition: A covert contractor looking for a quick way to riches; Murder and kidnap when people get in the way.
My conventions for chosen genre: Action/Thriller
Action Conventions
Purpose: Adrenaline-stirring / fast paced
Demand for Action: Chases, Hit and run, murder,
Mission: To find the killer and bring him to justice.
Escalating Action: Kidnaps and plans to kill his three friends.
Hero: Young man who is naïve; but has uses his special skills with his skateboard to escape.
Antagonist:: An evil, corrupt, contractor looking for fast money and he will kill anyone who gets in the way.
Thriller Conventions
PURPOSE: To thrill your audience with high stakes,
plot twists, and suspense that never lets up until the adrenalin packed climax.
LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS. They face danger at every step — either physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The hero needs to either be in danger or there is the implication of future danger.
MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE: There’s a mystery that must be solved in order to survive. Intrigue is the underhanded and covert Villain’s plan. Suspense comes from the danger the Hero faces.
HERO: Unknowing, unwitting, but resourceful hero
VILLAIN: Dangerous, devious, and unrelenting. Committed to destroy anyone who gets in their way. MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, anticipation, uncertainty, and surprise.
Opening:
1. INT. COURT HOUSE GARAGE – DAY
In a dark garage, a corrupt contractor, Rob Broadrick, surprises a city commissioner. Discusses an upcoming project that he needs his help with. The city commissioner says no. But the antagonist tells him it’s to his advantage to go along with the project. He has information that could force him off the committee.
2. INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Ronnie Hester, 17, sweats over a dish washing machine, wishing he was somewhere else.
3. INT. GREENFIELD HOME – DAY
Ronnie visits his fatherly mentor. The mentor gives him a pocket watch that belonged to his father.
The mentor tells him about a courier job that’s open in a law firm.
4. INT. BANK BUILDING – DAY
Rob talks to a financier, who is down on his luck. If he doesn’t get some business he’s going to lose his job.
5. EXT. SKATEBOARD PARK – DAY
He and his friends practice skateboarding for an upcoming competition. Ronnie gives his girlfriend a ring.
6. INT. PSYCHIC’S HOUSE – DAY
Ronnie’s friend, Charlie, buys a crow at an estate sale. They soon learn the crow has special skills. He talks and can locate a person.
Inciting Incident:
7. INT. BANK BUILDING – DAY
Ronnie enters a bank building to check on the job. When leaving the bank building, he overhears two men talking about a plan for a murder.
8. EXT. THREATER – NIGHT
They plan to go down to the river.
Turning Point
9. EXT. RIVER/UNDER THE BRIDGE – NIGHT
Ronnie and his friends go to the river to see what and who might show up for the murder plan that he overheard. They hide and watch the villain, kill, and throw the body into the water.
The killer discovers them and chases them through town on their skateboards. They narrowly escape.
10. INT. RONNIE’S HOME – DAY
Ronnie learns that the man killed was Mr. Greenfield his mentor.
ACT 2
New Plan
11. EXT. THEATER – NIGHT
Ronnie and his friends plan to find out who and why Mr. Greenfield was murdered.
The plan is to talk to Mrs. Greenfield about enemies he may have had. They also need to know who the two men were who were discussing the murder.
Plan in action
12. INT. MRS. GREENFIELD’S HOME – DAY
They interviewed Mrs. Greenfield. She reveals her husband is in an investment group where they buy and sell investments. The funds come from the city.
Midpoint Turning Point.
13. EXT. MRS. GREENFIELD’S HOME – NIGHT
Leaving Mrs. Greenfield home, a black Honda is parked across the road watching the house. The car starts and chases them. They stay on the skateboards on the side walk. At street crosses he tries to run them down. He hits Jody and continues after the others.
Ronnie circles back to find Jody. The others split off in different directions.
14. EXT. GREENFIELD HOME – NEXT NIGHT
A drive by breaks Mrs. Greenfield’s front window with a brick.
15. INT. SKATE COMPETITION/MALL – DAY
A dark clothed man watches from the crowd.
Ronnie and Stan skateboard in a competition at the skate mall. They wonder where Charlie is. Charlie has been kidnapped by the villain.
Act 3
Rethink Everything
16. EXT. SKATE PARK – DAY
The gang decide to break into the building and search through the records where there might be evidence of what’s going on at the investment company.
New Plan
17. They’ll enter the Investment office after dark when security changes shifts.
18. INT. INVESTMENT OFFICE – NIGHT
They break into the office and discover the villains plan to dupe the city to get financing to build a subdivision in an unsuitable site, that Mr. Greenfield was against. He believed the area to be a risk for cancer.
Point: Huge failure/Major shift
19. The financier comes into his office and catches them. He kidnaps Stan, who is a diabetic, who takes medication daily.
The villains continue to stalk Ronnie, Jody, and Louella.
20. EXT. RESTAURANT- NIGHT
The black Honda drives by the restaurant in dead of night and shoots all the windows out.
21. EXT. SKATE PARK – DAY
Louella and Jody skate at the park when a man in a trench coat walks up to Jody. He tells her mother has had a medical emergency and wants to take her to her mother. Jody gets in his car.
Act 4
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
22. INT. STREET/WAREHOUSE – DAY
With the help of his one friend left, Louella, and a black crow, they discover where Stan, Charlie and Jody are being held. The crow guides them to a warehouse where the men are getting ready to kill Stan, Charlie, and Jody. The sheriff finally arrives and backs them up. But the gunman gets the upper hand. While the villain has them at gunpoint the crow flies in attacking the gunman. Villain runs for the door straight into the sheriff’s backup.
Resolution
23. INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
The friends gather at the hospital to check on Stan. He’s going to be ok. They discuss college and their inspirations for a good life.
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Ronnie talks to his mom and Sam about whether they were right. He should be more cautious. He tells Sam that he appreciates everything he’s done for him. His mom says you’re really growing up son.
24. EXT. SKATE PARK – DAY
Sitting on the bench at the Skate Park Jody and Ronnie kiss.
A black car drives slowly by the Skate Park. Ronnie looks up to watch.
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Subject: Pat Galbraith’s Beats of 4 Act Structure
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” A different way of going about a rewrite and to continually consider better changes.
A. Genre: Thriller
B. Title: Black Bird
C. High Concept: A fatherless skateboarder, and his misfit friends, including a crow, discover his fatherly mentor has been killed, they risk their lives to find his killer and bring the killer to justice.
D. Main Conflict: When Ronnie’s Mentor gets in the way of villain’s’ plan to falsely get funds from the City to build a large subdivision, he is killed. When Ronnie and his friends investigate the killing of his mentor, the villains stalk Ronnie and his friends. One friend after the other is kidnapped with impending death.
E. Transformation Journey: Ronnie is very trusting as a young teen, believes people are all good. His confidence in himself is building to go out into the world and stand up to find the killers and rescue his friends.
F. Opposition: A covert contractor looking for a quick way to riches; Murder and kidnap when people get in the way.
Act 1
Opening:
1. INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Ronnie Hester, 17, sweats over a dish washing machine, wishing he was somewhere else.
2. INT. GREENFIELD HOME – DAY
Ronnie visits his fatherly mentor. The mentor gives him a pocket watch that belonged to his father.
The mentor tells him about a courier job that’s open in a law firm.
3. EXT. SKATEBOARD PARK – DAY
He and his friends practice skateboarding for an upcoming competition. Ronnie gives his girlfriend a ring.
4. INT. PSYCHIC’S HOUSE – DAY
Ronnie’s friend, Charlie, buys a crow at an estate sale. They soon learn the crow has special skills.
Inciting Incident:
5. INT. BANK BUILDING – DAY
Ronnie enters a bank building to check on the job. When leaving the bank building, he overhears two men talking about a plan for a murder.
Turning Point
6. EXT. RIVER/UNDER THE BRIDGE – NIGHT
Ronnie and his friends go to the river to see what and who might show up for the murder plan that he overheard. They hide and watch the villain, kill, and throw the body into the water.
The killer discovers them and chases them through town on their skateboards. They escape.
7. INT. RONNIE’S HOME – DAY
Ronnie learns that the man killed was Mr. Greenfield his mentor.
ACT 2
New Plan
8. EXT. THEATER – NIGHT
Ronnie and his friends plan to find out who and why Mr. Greenfield was murdered.
The plan is to talk to Mrs. Greenfield about enemies he may have had. They also need to know who the two men were who were discussing the murder.
Plan in action
9. INT. MRS. GREENFIELD’S HOME – DAY
They interviewed Mrs. Greenfield. She reveals her husband is in an investment group where they buy and sell investments. The funds come from the city.
Midpoint Turning Point.
10. EXT. MRS. GREENFIELD’S HOME – NIGHT
Leaving Mrs. Greenfield home, a black Honda is parked across the road watching the house. They discuss that they have been found out and will need to work undercover.
11. INT. SKATE COMPETITION/MALL – DAY
Ronnie and Stan skateboard in a competition at the skate mall. They wonder where Charlie is. Charlie has been taken by the villain.
Act 3
Rethink Everything
12. EXT. SKATEBOARD PARK – DAY
The gang decide to break into the building and search through the records where there might be evidence of what’s going on at the investment company.
New Plan
13. They’ll enter the Investment office after dark when security changes shifts.
14. INT. INVESTMENT OFFICE – NIGHT
They break into the office and discover the villains plan to dupe the city to get financing to build a subdivision in an unsuitable site. Mr. Greenfield was against. He believed the area to be a risk for cancer.
Point: Huge failure/Major shift
15. The Villain comes into the office and catches them. He kidnaps Stan, who is a diabetic, and takes medication daily. The villains continue to stalk Ronnie, Jody, and Louella.
16. EXT. SKATEBOARD PARK – DAY
Louella and Jody skate at the park when a man walks up to Jody. He tells her mother has had a medical emergency and wants to take her to her mother. Jody gets in his car.
Act 4
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
17. INT. RONNIE’S HOUSE – DAY
With the help of his one friend left, Louella, and a black crow, they discover where Stan, Charlie and Jody are being held.
18. EXT. STREETS – NIGHT
The crow guides them to a warehouse where the men are getting ready to kill Stan, Charlie, and Jody.
19. INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
The sheriff finally arrives and backs them up. But the gunman gets the upper hand. While the villain has them at gunpoint the crow flies in attacking the gunman. Villain runs for the door straight into the sheriff’s backup.
Resolution
20. INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
The friends gather at the hospital to check on Stan. He’s going to be ok. They discuss college and their inspirations for a good life.
21. EXT. SKATEBOARD PARK – DAY
Sitting on the bench at the Skatepark Jody and Ronnie kiss.
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Subject: Pat Galbraith’s Pitch for The Psychic’s Crow
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” A different way of going about a rewrite.
A. Genre: Thriller
B. Title: The Psychic’s Crow
C. High Concept: A fatherless skateboarder and his misfit friends, including a crow, discover his fatherly mentor has been killed, they risk their lives to find his killer and bring the killer to justice.
D. Main Conflict: Conflict begins when Ronnie can’t get his mom and the sheriff to believe him. The antagonists stalk Ronnie and his friends. One friend after the other is kidnapped. The Crow belongs to one of his kidnapped friends and Ronnie brings it home with him, learns the crow has special traits that could help in the fight.
E. Transformation Journey: Ronnie is very trusting as a young teen, believes people are all good. His confidence in himself is building to go out into the world.
F. Opposition: The villains are looking for a quick way to riches; They murder and kidnap when people get in the way.
Main Characters:
Protagonist: Ronnie a fatherless teen heads a group of misfit skateboarders.
Villains: Three business men scheme to build on a construction site. Duping the government of millions of dollars. When they are uncovered by a mentor of Ronnie, the mentor is killed They stalk Ronnie and his friends because they know what the villains have done.
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Tell us the following:
1. Name? Pat Galbraith
2. How many scripts you’ve written? 12
3. What you hope to get out of the class? To be more proficient with the way I do rewrites
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about. Passionate about writing.
Look forward to working with you all!
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Pat Galbraith, I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Any one ready for version two swap?pgalbraith@epbfi.com
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Pat Galbraith’s Outline Version 2
Title: Belle Star
Logline: 1863, When renegades from Northern troops invade Missouri, burning homes and killing civilians, Myrabelle Shirley (Belle Star) joins forces with outlaws to run the Civil War Renegades off.
Action Outline:
Act I
Opening
1848, Belle Starr was born as Myrabelle Shirley in the back woods of Missouri.
A colonial home sits under big oak trees where Myra Shirley lives with her family. Myra is one of six children. The children are all expected to do assigned tasks on the farm.
Myra loves her horse, Venus, and talks to him frequently.
Jesse James and the younger brothers often sit at the Judge Shirley’s dinner table. They
make jokes and tease Myra. Also, this year they discuss the civil war. They’ve heard of renegade soldiers attacking families just north of their home.
Bud teaches Myra how to ride and shoot. And how to hit a target with a knife.
At 16 Myra steals medication from a doctor’s office for her dying little brother, Because the doctor won’t come to the house in her area.
She is forced to leave home by her Father, so authorities want take her to jail.
She rides well. She can hit a target with her knife throwing skills.
2.Inciting Incident
Renegade northern troops invade the states of Missouri and Oklahoma, burning homes,
viciously killing civilians.
3. First Turning Point of Act 1
Myra makes her camp for the night in the wilderness, she hears a commotion coming from down the hill. She climbs up a ridge to get a better look.
She’s found ,the Northern camp. Behind her she hears someone walking upon her.
She draws her gun. It’s Reed, she doesn’t know him, He convinces her he’s not a threat. He’s from further north and his family has been wiped out by the renegades.
Henry Brice, in the northern camp, looks through his binoculars and spots the two of them. Myra and Reed jump on their horses and ride toward Myra’s home.
Myra learns of neighbor’s babies being killed, fathers hung, and mothers raped by the malicious evil soldiers.
After seeing families burned out and slaughtered, Myra joins a neighborhood outlaw gang with her brother Bud Shirley.
ACT II
Things change she begins to ride with the outlaw gang to stop the renegades.
They search the area for where the Renegades have moved their camping.
Raids continue as more warmongers come to Missouri.
4. Mid-Point
When the younger farm, is targeted. She joins with Bud, her brother to help them kill them off when they arrive to burn and kill the youngers’ out.
From a hill Myra and Bud’s gang come in behind the younger’s cabin and pick off soldier’s raiding the younger farm. Myra’s outlaw gang is successful and run the Renegade soldiers off the Younger’s farm.
5. Second Turning Point at end of Act 2
The Shirley Home is targeted by the raiders leaving their home a heap of ashes
Myra’s gang learns where the renegades are camping on a hill outside town.
Brice’s Brother hangs out in the saloon where he can hear what’s going on with Myra. Someone gets word to the Renegade troops of the impending attack.
ACT III
6.Crisis
Her gang is met by a small northern scouting troop. Myra’s group chase them back to their campsite with plans to kill them all.
They are outnumbered. It’s a dark day.
In a nearby town where Bud is visiting friends, He is killed by Henry Brice, Captain of a
northern troop. He ambushes Bud and kills him in the street.
She vows to marry the man who will kill the man who killed her brother.
She begins to dress in black and sometimes shows off her shooting skills in town.
Reed a follower of Bud and Belle’s gang, Reed, promises her he will kill Brice for her.
8. Climax
A few days later they decide to attack the troops after dark.
They ride to the camp. Get control of the men and kill them one by one. But Henry Brice,
the man who killed her brother escapes
She and her gang ride to kill the man who killed her brother. He’s not home when they arrive.
They hold his family hostage and plan to kill them too. When he returns to the house, she
gets him inside at gunpoint.
He jumps her, and they wrestle taking the gun from her. Reed enters and throws a knife.
Stabs Brice in the heart. Brice falls to the floor.
Resolution:
She lets Henry Brice’s wife and family go.
She marries Reed the man who killed Brice.
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Thank you, Patricia, love your comments and can’t wait to finish my story. Henry Brice actually killed Belle’s brother. The overall villains are all the renegades that killed and maned the Missourians during the civil war. Henry Brice was the Icing on the cake. Pat
If you have any questions just send me an e-mail. pgalbraith@epbfi.com
Your outline is great it’s a great story. Descriptions are the best. I have included my comments with your outline. The comments are bolded.
Review of Patricia Steffy Outline
Patricia’s Action Outline 1
Title: Deadly Freeze Great Title
Logline: During a Polar Vortex, a federal prison loses electricity, leaving the prisoners in the Protective Custody Unit in a deadly freeze, prompting a survivalist with one week left on his sentence to lead a daring prison break to save the abandoned inmates’ lives.
(Logline is clear and I can imagine what scenes it might take to accomplish such a task.)
Note: This is just the major action points of the script. There are relationship and character emotion building moments, as well. Here are the character profiles to give you some backstory and fill in some blanks (you can skip it, if it isn’t useful to you). Yep, I’m over-explaining.
Lead Character: Donovan (aka The Broker)
Maybe you could offer some subtext on how he got the name “The Broker”?
Protagonist is a 40-something survivalist and loner who is jokingly referred to as The Broker. Everyone in the prison has a different story as to why, but only one of the guards knows the true story (and he taunts Donovan with it whenever possible). The taunts could possibly be where the subtext might be for what the Broker means in this world.
Donovan is a silent observer – someone who calculates the advantage of interaction and is always looking for the threats against him. He is cunning, capable, and suspicious. He has the grudging respect of some of the other inmates in the Protective Custody Unit – all for different reasons. Is he dangerous? He’s unnervingly still. When he speaks, people listen, and they don’t know why. This should be another subtext area.
He’s not an overwhelming physical presence. But his ability to calculate risk means that he is often right. He’s a little spooky and that has earned him some credibility. He doesn’t get involved without reason. Ever.
Superficially, he’s a man doing his time and counting the hours until he leaves the prison. But where is he going? Back to the woods where he spent the last decade? Home is a concept long gone for him. The physical house sold to pay restitution would only have been a reminder of the younger brother who killed himself there after getting caught in a scheme that ultimately landed Donovan in prison.
Guilt drives him. And we see this in his relationships with the young agent in the opening, the kid in SEG, and Brian.
He knows that the polar vortex is coming. But when he is offered a chance to be evacuated, he hesitates. He is the only with the survival skills to help the men who are being left behind.
Lead Character 2: Brian (Is Brian a lead character or an alley?) If he’s a lead have him save the day at least once.) To make him proud of himself.
Brian is a naïve, young guard who is frightened of the inmates and eager to please. Because he is easily physically and psychologically intimated he’s likely to pull a gun or call for a lockdown because he knows that he can’t win in a hand-to-hand fight. He has been at the prison for less than a month when the polar vortex arrives.
His father was former military, but Brian washed out of the marines. He has a sense of duty, and he wants to serve and distinguish himself. He’s desperate for approval, and he looks for it from other guards, warden and even some of the more formidable inmates.
His desire to please makes him susceptible to influence from those in authority who do not have his interests at heart. He starts off blind, and it leads him down a dangerous path. But while he comes off as a “yes man,” he has a deeply moral center. He knows what the right thing is, and eventually chooses that path, even though he may not survive it.
Antagonist:
Randall Sykes is a 50-something, by-the-book head guard who is corporate’s favorite inside man. He was set to retire early but the pension fund was decimated in a Ponzi scheme, and his days at the for-profit prison are just going to get longer. And he’s bitter.
This is not a mustache-twirling bad guy. He believes in what he does. He’s not entirely without heart, but he sees himself as the only defense an innocent public has. He also knows that unless he keeps corporate happy, his own livelihood is at risk. Why should he risk his way of life for people who didn’t play by the rules?
Sykes knows Donovan’s actual story. And he knows that Donovan’s brother killed himself because of it. But rather than spreading the story among the inmates, he holds it. He likes feeling like he has some power over someone who worked in an industry that he blames for all the shit that has gone wrong in his life. And Sykes resents that Donovan has the grudging respect of most of the inmates, when he has to kiss corporate’s ass just to get overtime covered. He’s certainly not going to take Donovan’s advice – even if he secretly worries that Donovan is right.
Action Outline: Excellent Opening scene
The crunch of now underfoot. A crack of twigs. Eyes peering out from a survivalist dugout in the woods. Agents swarming the camp after a tip-off. Agent falls into the dug-out, the man (Donovan) hiding there runs through a warren of self-dug caves, into the forest — desperate not to be captured. A young agent is on his heels. Donovan evades him, until the agent follows him to a river. Donovan gets the drop on him — they struggle. The young agent thinks he has him beat, but finds himself looking up at Donovan with a hatchet in his hand. All seems lost for the young agent, but when Donovan can kill, he stops. The fury drains out of him. He drops the hatchet, gets to his knees, and waits to be arrested. (scene in class 11 and 12)
[Time Jump] What is the time jump? 10 years?
Inciting Incident
The storm is only 12 hours away. Warden of the for-profit prison is faced with evacuating as many prisoners as possible to other, safer prisons, at a price. Rather than removing everyone, the head guard (our villain Sykes) convinces her to leave the men of the protective custody unit and SEG behind — saving the prison $3 million in fines and further punishing our hero (who only had days left on his sentence).
Panic sets into the yard, as rumors of who is being left behind swirl. A kid awaiting trial gets into a fight with one of the jittery inmates. Brian, an inexperienced guard, grabs for his gun and accidentally shoots one of the older inmates. The yard is put into lockdown. The kid is taken to SEG. The older inmate is removed from PCU and taken to the hospital. But all eyes turn to Brian, who is riddled with guilt. Only Donovan (our hero) finds a way to calm those who want to go after him. There is no mistaking the tension.
First Turning Point at end of Act 1
The warden is ordered to get all prisoners with less than a week on their sentences onto the buses for an early release by the Governor. Sykes is pissed, and he taunts Donovan. It’s the last bus out. Sykes will ride the steps. And while Donovan could be free, he chooses not to get on the bus. He warns Sykes not to take the bus out — that it is too late. But Sykes refuses to listen.
Mention something about how prisoners are let out of their cells. The good , bad and ugly
Donovan returns to PCU with Brian, who has been chosen to stay behind to guard those abandoned there. Decision made, Donovan tries to ready those who will remain for the storm. But they are woefully short on supplies and time. Is there any special clothing they can find so they can survive.
Have them break into an office where there might be some overalls, boots, gloves etc.
A lifer prisoner starts making subtext commits that he is going to be a bad guy. Scaring the other prisoners
Mid-Point
The storm arrives and the power goes out. Pipes burst, sending flooding and freezing water down the shafts and throughout the building. Windows begin blowing out. Any movement could risk electrocution, but staying risks freezing to death. Logically, they could overpower Brian, take their revenge for the shooting, and escape the prison tower. But go where? Into the storm? Is any shelter better than being outside and free?
The bad prisoner finds something he can turn into a weapon.( Splintered 2×4) hides it for later.
We cut to the last bus of prisoners feeling in the storm. Tornadic-force winds, ice, and snow descend. The engine stalls. The driver repeatedly tries to get the engine started again and panic takes hold. Sykes braves the storm to fix the engine battery cable despite the For a second, a moment of victory. Hope that they can keep moving.
But a spark sets off an explosion in the engine, and flames burst into the bus. Sykes is blown out the doors. the inmates are chained to the seats. The men in the front are incinerated, but the men in back work together to try to free themselves as the windows burst around them and the fire drills toward them (scene is in class 15)
Sykes regains consciousness. He makes a move to try to open the emergency door of the bus to save the chained men who might still be alive. But the door won’t open. Metal shards and glass from the bus are flying. It’s too late. A scorched Sykes is left in agony. Just as he is about to succumb, grim determination sets in. He turns back to the prison and Donovan.
Second Turning Point at end of Act 2
Decision made to leave the unit and move to another floor, but the building is crumbling and water/ice shards cascade down an already faulty elevator shaft. At the ledge, they hear screams (and maybe and echo) from below — SEG is being flooded, and a young inmate, who our hero tried to take under his wing earlier, is in SEG. A mission is hatched for our hero and another inmate (bad prisoner)to go try to save the kid.
When they try to save the kid, the bad prisoner swings the 2×4 at Donovan. Donovan moves and the bad prisoner falls into the Icy water.
Crisis
The building continues to take the brunt of the storm. It shudders and quakes. Crashing sounds and bending steel foreshadow the destruction of a staircase, just as the hero and his cohorts make it to SEG. But it’s too late. Everyone in SEG, including the kid are dead — either from drowning or hypothermia, as the water turned to ice. I see a scene where they are floating in the icy water.
Defeated, Donovan tries to lead the men back upstairs to rejoin the group. But the stairs we saw earlier have pancaked. Their only choice is to climb the elevator shaft. But the ladder rungs are made of steel — which have become brittle as the deadly freeze moved in. They struggle to climb the ladder — losing skin on their hands to frostbite in the process. Donovan clears the way. He’s ready to help Rodriguez up. A cascade of ice plunges toward him. His left hand shatters. His feet slip as the metal rung below him cracks. He spins and smashes into the metal rail. Donovan reaches down to grab him, but Rodriguez grabs the ladder. They breathe a sigh of relief that he’s safe. CRASH! A massive ice sheet violently plunges past the open shaft, slicing into Rodriguez, sweeping his already lifeless body down the elevator shaft and onto the stalled car below. ( Is this over a garage, where did the car come from?)
Regrouping
The men regroup. They know they can’t go down again, and the building continues to shift ominously. They make a plan to go one level up to the guard/bridge level. Near the elevator where we can see the clock.
Crisis
Donovan leads the men to the next level’s security door. Hero uses his unique skills to get the manual lock to trigger and open, but the system is fried and sparking. Someone will have to hold the door open, in order for people to get out and then try to escape before it closes. Jackson volunteers, knowing that Donovan is their only hope for escape, and that many of the other men have a chance at a new life on the outside. He’s a lifer — this is his shot at redemption. The men get past the door, but Jackson is electrocuted as the generator rebounds.
The remaining men, including our hero, make it to the guard level, only to find a hellscape. Electrical has sparked a fire, and the windows had already blown out in the storm. Fire and ice combine. There is no relief here. There is only one choice — Donovan tells them that they’ll have to climb out the window in a raging storm as the building continues to fall — using what they can find in the lockers to control their descent. But first, they have to get across the fire into the frozen control room. Not great odds, but the only shot they have to live.
Climax
The inmates go out what is left of the window to scale down the building in the height of the storm. But Sykes made it across the bridge and onto the guard level. There’s a standoff between Donovan and Sykes. Donovan is stalling in hopes that the men get to safety. Villain shoots at Donovan, but the young guard pushes him out of the way and takes the bullet. Donovan tries to talk Sykes out of doing anymore damage. Tells him that he can help him. That they can all walk away from this. But Sykes is beyond listening and raises the gun again. Not knowing that the bullet that hit the young guard, also splintered one of the last standing supports for the ceiling. As Sykes fires, the ceiling comes down on him and kills him.
Resolution
Donovan takes Brian down the building — when it looks like there is no way that they’ll get to shelter fast enough to survive, they are met by the surviving men who have managed to start one of the prison vehicles. They escape together into the prison garage, which is miraculously still standing.
Maybe use the resolution start in an earlier scene with them going from one car to the other to try to start a car.
Have you considered using a time clock to make it feel urgent. (Passing of time)
Have a clock on every floor above the elevators.
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I would be happy to partner up Patricia Steffy. Thank you
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If anyone wants to partner up, I would appreciate your thoughts.
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Pat Galbraith’s Outline Version 1
Title: Belle Star
Logline: 1863, When renegades from Northern troops invade Missouri burning homes
and killing civilians, Myra Shirley (Belle Star) joins forces with outlaws to run the Civil
War Renegades off.
Action Outline:
Act I
Opening
1863, Belle Starr was born as Myra Belle Shirley in the back woods of Missouri.
A colonial home sits under big oak trees where Myra Shirley lives with her family.
Myra loves her horse and talks to him frequently.
Jesse James and the younger brothers often sit at the Judge Shirley’s dinner table. They
make jokes and tease Myra.
Bud teaches Myra how to ride and shott. And how to hit a target with a knife.
Bud and Myra do chores around the farm.
Myra is one of six children.
At sixteen she holds up a doctor’s office to get medicine for a younger dying brother.
She has a horse named Venus.
She rides well. She can hit a target with her knife throwing skills.
2.Inciting Incident
Renegade northern troops invade the states of Missouri and Oklahoma, burning homes
and killing civilians.
3. First Turning Point attend of Act 1
Myra learns of neighbor’s babies being killed, fathers hung, and mother raped by the malicious evil soldiers.
After seeing families burned out and slaughtered, Myra joins a neighborhood outlaw gang with her brother Bud Shirley.
ACT II
Things change she begins to ride with the outlaw gang to stop the renegades.
They search the area for where the Renegades are camping.
They hear of raids that are going on.
4. Mid-Point
When the younger farm, is targeted. She joins with Bud, her brother to help them kill them off when they arrive to burn and kill the youngers’ out.
Myra’s outlaw gang is successful and run the Renegade soldiers off the Younger’s farm..
5. Second Turning Point at end of Act 2
The Shirley Home is targeted by the raiders leaving their home a heap of ashes
Myra’s gang learns where the renegades are camping on a hill outside town.
Someone gets word to the Renegade troops of her impending attack.
ACT III
6.Crisis 1
Her gang is met by a small scouting troop.
Her gang chase them back to the campsite.
They ride there with plans to kill them all.
They are outnumbered. It’s a dark day.
In a nearby town where Bud is visiting friends, He is killed by Henry Brice, Captain of a
northern troop.
She vows to marry the man who will kill the man who killed her brother.
She begins to dress in black and sometimes shows off her shooting skills in town.
In a Saloon, Reed, tells her he will kill Brice for her.
8. Climax
A few days later they decide to attack the troops after dark.
They ride to the camp. Get control of the men and kill them one by one. But Henry Brice,
the man who killed her brother escapes
She and her gang ride to kill the man who killed her brother. He’s not home when they arrive.
They hold his family hostage and plan to kill them too. When he returns to the house, she
gets him in at gunpoint.
He jumps her, and they wrestle taking the gun from her. Reed enters and throws a knife.
Stabs Brice in the heart. Brice falls to the floor.
Resolution:
She lets Henry Brice’s wife and family go.
She marries Reed the man who killed Brice.
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ASSIGNMENT: 15
Subject line: Pat Galbraith’s Fast formatting!
What I learned in this assignment is best to go by the plan to make sure you get them all in.
1. Write an Action scene for your project that includes each of these formatting techniques.
A.
Basic Formatting
B.
Dash or Ellipsis?
C.
Sound, then Explanation
D.
Mixing Sluglines into Action
E.
Stacking Action
F.
Stacking DialogueKITCHEN TABLE
Family takes seats at table. Eating a hardy meal.
Discussing what they should do to help Eddie.
John Shirley picks up a bowl of potatoes —
JOHN SHIRLEY
Eddie’s fading fast. I’ll load him in the wagon… take him into town.
John passes the potatoes.
ELIZA SHIRLEY
Eddie can’t make the trip… Somebody’s got to go get the Doc!
BUD
Myra why don’t you go? Those Yankee’s might show up here!
MYRA
Sure! If the doctor won’t come, I’ll go to him!
Bang, Bang!
The door slams as she heads out the door — Town bound.
EXT. PRAIRIE FIELD – DAY
Myra gallops on Venus through the brush. The sun beats down.
EXT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE IN CARTHAGE, MO. – DAY
Myra enters abruptly.
DR.’S ASSISTANT
Gasp! Assistant taken by surprise.
Ma’am? Can I help you.
MYRA
I need some of that Quinine everybody talking about. My brother’s dying.
DR.’S ASSISTANT
(Snarky )
Dr.’s not in.
MYRA
Show me where he keeps it!
The doctor enters.
DOCTOR
What’s all the commotion out here.
Myra draws her gun.
MYRA
My brother’s dying. Mom says you won’t come out to farm.
DOCTOR
That’s right.
MYRA
Show me where you keep it. I’ll be taking the medicine with me.
Doctor nods, turns to get the medicine.
DOCTOR
You don’t have to use a gun, Myra.
Doctor gives her a bottle of medicine.
DOCTOR
Start with two spoons. It’s enough to last a week. If he’s not better. There nothing we can do.
Myra scrambles out the door.
DOCTOR
Alice, go get the sheriff. Tell him we got a little trouble over here.
Alice nods and runs for the door.
EXT. PRAIRIE – DAY
Myra gallops toward home.
EXT. CABIN – DAY
Myra rides in and jumps from her horse, rushes inside.
INT. SHERIFF OFFICE – DAY
Alice bursts through the door.
SHERIFF
Slow down, girl. What’s wrong?
ALICE
Myra Shirley just robbed Doc’s office at gun point!
SHERIFF
What the tarnation was she thinking… we’ll ride out to the Shirley farm see what’s going on.
INT. CABIN – DAY
Myra gallops up to the cabin –jumps from her horse.
MYRA
I’ve got it Mom!
They rush to the bedroom and Myra spoons the medicine to Eddie.
Father enters.
JOHN SHIRLEY
You got it… Cause any trouble?
MYRA
Had to use my gun Pops. They weren’t exactly forthcoming.
JOHN SHIRLEY
Myra, the sheriff will be here any minute, go! Get out!
Eliza looks at Myra and nods. Myra rushes out grabs a few clothes from her bedroom and heads for the door. Eliza comes from the kitchen with a nap snack to take with her.
Myra rides away with hair blowing in the wind.
Meaning: Myra takes things into her own hands when something is needed for her family.
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ASSIGNMENT: 14.
Pat Galbraith’s: Great Action Set piece.
What I learned from this assignment is :how to build a scene to make sure it has a meaning.
Take an Action Set Piece from your outline and use the steps above to turn it into an amazing experience for the reader and audience.
1. Build in the meaning.
Pre-Action
The gang discuss killing Henry Brice’s whole family
Brice’s
wife is concerned why he’s late.Action: She takes Brice at gunpoint, but he
overpowers her and she reacts quickly and throws her knife, hitting him in
the throat. He bleeds out quickly.Post-Action
She makes the decision to let the family go.2. Make the Action Unique.
STEP 1: List your 9 Places for Uniqueness.
Environment: Brice’s home where
his family is being held captive.
Rules: Anything goes as well as
killing his family
Villain: The Villain must die.
Mission: To kill Henry Brice.
The man who killed her brother
Struggle: She takes him by
gunpoint, but he takes the gun away from her.
Unique Skillset: She knows how
to use a knife and surprises us with how she kills him.
Meaning: She doesn’t have to
kill his family to be satisfied about what Brice did.
Allies: She has her friends
waiting in the back room, wants to
do this on her own.
Weapon: Gun, Knife.STEP 2: Use Strategies for Uniqueness to elevate them.
A. What if…? She gets hurt really bad during this confrontation.<div>
B. Take to an extreme. – have us think he’s got her.
She
surprises us with the knife.C. Specific to character or environment.: In his home, he pretty sure she’s going
kill his family.D. Shocking or Surprising. When he gets control of her.
When she throws the knife..E. Go opposite. Not killing the family; Surprise of
using a knife to kill him.F. What haven’t we seen? Brice’s family. and home.
3. Create through the 9 Action Emotions (Lesson 10 – 12)
Anxiety: Foreshadow, hint to, or create expectation of possible trouble to come. Danger lurks around them. Brice;s wife stands at the kitchen sink. She looks worried.
Fear: Create a sense of impending danger, but not expected death for the characters.
Mrs. Brice looks up at the clock, her husband is late.
Relief: Set up tension/fear/shock, then remove the threat, returning us to a state of “normal.” It’s over, for now. When she thinks she hears her husband come in she gets a sense of relief.
Surprise: Create an unexpected situation that startles. Mrs. Brice opens the door to see Myra and her friends. Ready for revenge.
Shock: Create a surprise that elevates the level of fear and has significant repercussions.
When Myra tells Mrs. Brice what she’s there for.
Suspense: Set up a significant consequence and delay the delivery. The waiting period for Mrs. Brice’s husband to come home.
Danger: Create a situation where peril is imminent or they are currently in peril and more/new danger is imminent.
The look on Brices’ face when he sees Myra and her friends. He knows what she there for.
Excitement: A) Create something that is visually spectacular or unique. B) Create action that the Hero has control of and/or is winning, thus giving the audience the fun side of the fight/race.
Adrenaline: Put your audience in a dangerous, frightening, or highly competitive situation, as well as the feelings of heightened energy and excitement.
4. Add in more twists.
Added twists
She had the intent of killing the whole family but
Changing her mind about killing Henry Brice’s’ family
Danger =========The family is let go.================ Safety
Deceived ======Captain================ Surprising Truth
Attacked ====================== Protected
Attacked the family, but let them go after the captain was killed.
Lost Resources Gun New Resources Knife
It Just Got Worse Brice is killed It /Just Got Better the family was released
Unexpected Weapon – Knife/ Surprising Response/ Brice grabs his throat.
5. Rewrite by going back over Steps 1 – 4 to elevate it.
Int. Brice Home – Day
Mrs. Brice works in her kitchen, the kids run through the house. She corrects them
Mrs. Brice
Settle in children your dad will be home soon.
She hears the front door open, lays her dish rag on the table.
Mrs Brice
That should be him now.
She heads to the front door.
The door flies open and Myra and the boys bust in.
Mrs. Brice
What’s this? What’s going on.
She backs up has they make their way into the house.
Myra
We’re looking for Captain Henry Brice?
</div></div> </div>
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ASSIGNMENT: 13 Pat Galbraith’s Unique Action
What I learned doing this assignment is how to improve by adding my unique ideas.
Pick at least one action scene that you want to make more unique. Then use this process to generate ideas.
1. Looking at your entire story, what is unique about each of these places:
1. Environment: The wild west
2. Rules: Fighting against the government and the renegades.
3. Villain: is the government and renegades for the government.
4. Mission: To stop the renegades from burning and killing.
5. Struggle: To stop burning houses, and killings of civilians.
6. Unique Skillset: Wild West Outlaws
7. Meaning: Moral ground is to protect family and neighbors against the renegades.
8. Allies: Younger brothers and Jesse James
9. Weapon: Rifles, Grenades
2. Brainstorm ways to make one or more of those places unique:
A. What if…? Make the audience
think Myra is dead.B. Take to an extreme.
Fire she enters a burning home
to save a child.C. Specific to character or
environment. Picnic with one of the younger boys at a waterfall.D. Shocking or Surprising.
She finds and kills the man who
killed her brother. but let his family go.E. Go opposite. She let his
family go.F. What haven’t we seen?
A dance where the younger boys
attend. -
ASSIGNMENT:11
Subject line: Pat Galbraith’s Level 2 Action Emotions
What I learned in this assignment is how to develop more interesting scenes.
1.Look through your outline and choose a scene that could use surprise, shock, and suspense. Create a scene that uses all three of these Action emotions.
2. Create an outline of the scene that includes each of the three emotions.
Outline:
Myra’s gang learns where the renegades are camping on a hill outside town.
A rider alerts their gang that the warmongers know their coming.
Her gang is met by a small scouting troop.
Her gang chase them back to the campsite.
ride there with plans to kill them all.
They are outnumbered. It’s a dark day.
3. Write the scene as a first draft, highlighting surprise, shock, and suspense.
First Draft
EXT. CAMPFIRE – NIGHT
Surprise: Myra’s scout rides into camp. Jumps from his horse screams out.
Scout
Warmongers are sending out a Scout team. They will be here any minute!
Myra
Get on your horses!
Myra’s gang ride toward the camp. They see the scouts come up over the hill. Warmonger scouts turn and Myra gang chase them back to the camp!
Shocked At the camp shocked by the number of men in the camp and they are over run.
Suspense: They turn and run for their lives with the warmongers on their tails.
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ASSIGNMENT 9
Pat Galbraith’s Twists that engage us!
What I learned about this assignment is the twist and turns that keeps us interested.
1.Opening
1863, During the civil war, back woods of Arkansas. Colonial home where she lives with her family.
Jesse James and the younger brothers often sit at the dinner table. Myra is one of many children.
Danger: Myra’s brother becomes chronically Ill.
Deceived: Doctor will not come to their home to help him.
Danger: Myra steals the medicine at gun point.
Safety: As soon as she gets the medicine to her brother, she leaves the county on the run.
2.New threat: Renegade northern troops invade the state of Arkansas because they favor the south. Burning homes and killing civilians.
3.First Turning Point at end of Act 1
More threats: Myra learns of neighbor’s babies being killed, fathers hung, and mothers raped by the malicious evil soldiers.
Unexpected Support: Gangs in the State began to ride against the warmongers.
Myra puts herself in danger by joining the neighborhood gang.
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Assignment 10
Subject line: Pat Galbraith Level 1 Action Emotions
What I learned from this assignment is the order in which fear happens.
Create a scene that uses all three of these Action emotions.
Look through your outline and choose a scene that could use anxiety, fear, and relief. Create an outline of the scene that includes each of the three emotions.
Anxiety: Myra must steal medicine for her dying brother.
Fear: She holds the Doctor’s assistant at gun point.
Relief: She arrives home with the medicine.
Anxiety: She must leave her home as the Sheriff is already in chase.
Write the scene as a first draft, highlighting anxiety, fear, and relief.
First Draft
INT. BEDROOM – DAY
Myra stands over her brother. He is visibly in pain and dying. She screams out to her Mother that she’s going to get his medicine come hell or high water.
INT. FRONT DOOR VIEW – DAY
Myra’s Mother watches as Myra rides off to get the medicine.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Myra arrives at the doctor’s office. The doctor is not in an assistant sits at her desk.
Myra draws her gun shaking. She ask the girl where the doctor is. The girl tells her the doctor’s not in. She orders the girl to show her where the medicine is for typhoid fever. She nervously takes Myra to the medicine cabinet where it’s stored. Myra grabs the medicine and heads for home.
EXT. HOME – DAY
Arriving home, Myra’s father takes the medicine and tells her to leave. He can see the dust. The Sheriff is already on her trail.
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ASSIGNMENT:8 Subject line: Pat Galbraith’s Likability/Empathy/Justification What I learned during this assignment is how to make heroes more likeable.
1. Brainstorm answers to Likability/Empathy / Distress/Justified for your Hero.
LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY
1. Myra, a perfect lady who plays a piano and makes good grades in school especially math.
2. She steals medicine for her little brother who is dying. Because the doctor won’t come to the house.
3. She shows her love for her family.
4. During the civil war, she begins to ride with an outlaw gang. She feels it’s her duty to protect family and neighbors.
5. She talks to her horse like a friend.
6. Makes good moral decisions, feels like the renegades are the bad guys.
1.EMPATHY / DISTRESS
1.The attacks are undeserved.
2.She must prove to her own gang that she’s able to do anything they can.
3. She sets her own life aside to accomplish her goal.
4. Moral dilemmas are there, but she realizes this must be done or the whole area will parish.
5. Her Forced decision is stopping the Renegades even though she could be killed or injured.
JUSTIFICATION
1. Myra’s Father has been threatened by the Renegades.
2. Renegades have attacked the youngers.
3. Renegades threatened the whole area.
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ASSIGNMENT:8
Subject line: Pat Galbraith’s Likability/Empathy/Justification
What I learned during this assignment is how to make heroes more likeable.
1. Brainstorm answers to Likability/Empathy / Distress/Justified for your Hero.
LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY
1. Myra, a perfect lady who plays a piano and makes good grades in school especially math.
2. She shows her love for her family.
3. During the civil war, she begins to ride with an outlaw gang. She feels it’s her duty to protect family and neighbors.
4. She steals medicine for her little brother who is dying
5. Reveals her kindness by helping someone on the road. She talks to her horse like a friend.
6. Makes good moral decisions, feels like the renegades are the bad guys.
1.EMPATHY / DISTRESS
1.The attacks are undeserved.
2.She has to prove to her own gang that she’s able to do anything they can.
3. She sets her own life aside to accomplish her goal.
4. Moral dilemmas are there, but she realizes this must be done or the whole area will parish.
5. Hearing that Bud has been killed by Henry Brice.
6. She realizes she must kill the man who killed her brother.
7. Her Forced decision is stopping the Renegades even though she could be killed or injured.
JUSTIFICATION
1. Myra’s Father has been threatened by the Renegades.
2. Renegades have killed her brother.
3. Renegades threatened the whole area.
4. Her Father’s house is burned to the ground. Forcing them to move to Texas.
5. She is forced to move to Texas where she finds her husband.
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ASSIGNMENT:7
Pat Galbraith’s Story Map
What I learned from this assignment is the magic of knowing I have them in the right places.<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
1. Start with the structure you built in Lesson 6.
Act I
1.Opening
1863, During the civil war, back woods of Arkansas. Colonial home where she lives with her family. Jesse James and the younger brother often sit at the dinner table. Myra is one of many children.
2.Inciting Incident
V I Renegade northern troops invade the state of Arkansas because they favor the south. Burning homes and killing civilians.
3.First Turning Point attend of Act 1
V I Myra learns of neighbor’s babies being killed, fathers hung, and mother raped by the malicious evil soldiers.
V I Families burned out and killed by Renegade troops.
A 1 Myra joins a neighborhood 0utlaw gang.
ACT II
V I The younger farm is targeted by the Renegades.
M 4 She joins with Bud, her brother to help fight and kill them, and save the younger brother’s home.
A 2 Myra and Bud sit aloft a hill and pick the Renegades one by one.
Myra’s outlaw gang is successful and run the Renegade soldiers off.
V I Bud, her brother has been killed by Henry Brice a northern Captain.
M 2 She begins to ride with an outlaw gang to stop the renegades.
M 3 The outlaw gang search the area for where the Renegades might be camping.
V I Renegades continue their raids.
4. Mid-Point
5. Second Turning Point at end of Act 2
Myra’s gang learns where the renegades are camping on a hill outside town.
M 5 The gang rides in the direction of the camp.
V I Someone gets word to the Renegade troops of her impending attack.
ACT III
6.Crisis
M 7 Her gang is met by a small scouting troop.
Her gang chase them back to the campsite.
They ride there with plans to kill them all.
V 1 Crisis They are outnumbered. It’s a dark day.
8. Climax
M 8 A few days later they decide to attack the troops after dark.
They ride to the camp. Get control of the men and kill them one by one.
V I But Henry Brice, the man who killed her brother, escapes.
M 9 She and her gang ride into town to kill the man who killed her brother. He’s not there when they arrive. They hold his family hostage and plan to kill them too. When he returns to the house, she lets him in at gunpoint.
V I He jumps her, and they wrestle taking the gun from her.
M 10 Thinks of Bud as she aims her knife.
A 1 She throws her knife. Stabs him in the heart.
8. Resolution
She lets Henry Brice’s wife and family go.
Later they decide to stay together, incase other troops come back.
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ASSIGNMENT: 6
What I’ve learned from this assignment is: How to put the three tracks together to make a plot.
Pat Galbraith’s Action Structure!
Create the 3-Act structure for your story.
Look through your three tracks (Mission, Villain, and Action) and find the points that could work for this structure.
Act I
1.Opening
1863, During the civil war, back woods of Arkansas. Colonial home where she lives with her family. Jesse James and the younger brother often sit at the dinner table. Myra is one of many children.
2.Inciting Incident
Renegade northern troops invade the state of Arkansas because they favor the south. Burning homes and killing civilians.
3.First Turning Point attend of Act 1
Myra learns of neighbor’s babies being killed, fathers hung, and mother raped by the malicious evil soldiers.
After seeing families burned out and slaughtered, Myra joins a neighborhood gang.
ACT II
Things change Myra learns Bud has been killed.
She begins to ride with the outlaw gang to stop the renegades.
They search the area for where they might be camping.
They hear of raids that are going on.
4. Mid-Point
When the younger farm, is targeted. She joins with Bud, her brother to help them kill them off when they arrive to burn and kill the youngers’ out.
Myra’s outlaw gang is successful and run the Renegade soldiers off.
5. Second Turning Point at end of Act 2 Myra’s gang learns where the renegades are camping on a hill outside town.
Someone gets word to the troops of her impending attack.
ACT III
6.Crisis
Her gang is met by a small scouting troop.
Her gang chase them back to the campsite.
They ride there with plans to kill them all.
They are outnumbered. It’s a dark day.
8. Climax 1
A few days later they decide to attack the troops after dark.
They ride to the camp. Get control of the men and kill them one by one. But Henry Brice, the man who killed her brother, is able to escape.
She and her gang ride to kill the man who killed her brother. He’s not there when they arrive. They hold his family hostage and plan to kill them too. When he returns to the house, she lets him in at gunpoint. He jumps her, and they wrestle taking the gun from her. She throws her knife. Stabs him in the heart.
8. Resolution
She lets Henry Brice’s wife and family go.
Later they decide to stay together, incase other troops come back.
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ASSIGNMENT: #5
Subject line: Pat Galbraith’s Action Track!
What I’ve learned in this assignment is how to think about Villain and Mission tracks while doing the action track.
Create a rough draft of your Action Track.
1. Answer the Action Questions:
• A. Considering the concept from Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie? Chases, Fights, shootouts, rescues, escape/Evade, dangerous situations, torture.
• B. Considering the Mission and Villain Tracks, what action could work for this track? All the above
• C. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act?
A. Although she is a young lady she proves she can hold her own with a gun.
B. She joins her brother in the fight to stop renegades from burning and killing.
C. She continues to fight even after her brother is killed.
2. Select the types of action you’ll use.
Chases, escapes, fights, rescues, attacks, competition and dangerous situations.
3. Sequence the action scenes to deliver your story. Give us your list of action scenes and purposes.
1. Chase/Pursuit-Steals medicine at gunpoint to save her dying brother.
Purpose: Creates her ability to be more than a sophisticated young lady. Builds character.
2. Escape: Sheriff chases after her.
Purpose: When she outwits the sheriff by leaving her home, increases stakes she’ll have to deal with later.
3. Fight: Joins her brother in fight against renegades to stop Renegades from killing and burning out homes.
Purpose: Makes her a stronger character
4. Rescue: She goes into a burning home to save a baby that was left in the burning home.
Purpose: The gang starts to give her more respect. Gives insight into the character.
5. Attack: Overpowered by renegades.
Purpose: Insight to the Hero. She knows they can’t overpower them. Need a new plan. Raises stakes.
6. Competition: Her own gang were always trying to outdo her.
Purpose: She knows she’ll have to continuously prove them wrong.
7. Dangerous Situations: With Myra leading the fight. They attack the renegades at night and wipe them out.
Purpose: Myra becomes an even stronger character. But the renegades now know who she is. Raising the stakes
8. Fitting Ending: She goes after the one who killed her brother. She kills him but lets his family go.
Purpose: She has no fear. Helps to resolve the hurt.
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ASSIGNMENT: #2 Killer Action
Pat Galbraith’s Villains and Heroes
What I learned in this assignment: To find strong ways to describe Heroes and Villains. To further working on my concept and conventions to make them stronger too.
Concept: When renegade soldiers start burning homes and murdering neighbors during the civil war, a sharpshooting Missouri girl joins forces with outlaws to save their homes and families.
Hero Morally Right: Myra
Shirley, a sharpshooting young lady taught by her older brother. Joins outlaws to stop renegade soldiers from destroying homes and killing neighbors.<div>Villain Morally Wrong:
Renagades sent out by Northern army and others working on their own in
states that are favorable to the North. Burn homes and kill people who are
favorable to the south.Hero
A. Unique Skill Set: Fearless Sharpshooter, Expert knife thrower, skilled horsewoman. </div><div>
B. Motivation: Her family and
neighbors are at risked having their homes burned and family killed.C. Secret or Wound: She
personally witnessed houses burned and babies killed.Villain
A. Unbeatable: Fearless, malicious
gangs have no mercy. Have all the guns and dynamite to carry out their
plans.</div>B. Plan/Goal To kill people in
states where they are favorable to the south.<div>
C. What they lose if Hero
survives: Will have to contend with
ambushes from her and neighbor gang. Losing face in the number of people they can A their standing with the number
of people they can kill.Impossible Mission
A. Puts Hero in Action: When a
close family member house is lost in a fire and their baby killed. She decides she needs to join her outlaw friends.</div><div>B. Demands They Go Beyond Their
Best: She enters a house to get people out of burning home. She’s trapped
inside burning home. Soldier appears and attacks her. After her rifle misfires, she throws her knife, hits him square in the head. Killing him instantly. Jumps through fire to exit a window.C. Destroy the Villain: Decide
to go after the head of all Renegade gangs to stop the burning and
killing.2. Once you have filled in a quick answer to each, go back and extrapolate (If _____, then how might _____?) to t any answers you can. (See below things I’m to improve action and plot.
3. Tell us your improved answers.
Soldier attacks her. She kills him with a knife.
She gets trapped in burning home. Jumps through the fire out a window.
Babies are killed in fires. (Give her cause to decide to help)
Ambushes by both sides.
A renegade soldier attacks a woman. She kills him on the spot.
</div>
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Assignment #1 Action Class
Pat Galbraith’ s Conventions!
What I have learned from this assignment is: To escalate conventions and that there are things to do after the first draft things should change.
Concept:
After an aspiring educated Missouri girl and her family get caught up in the crosshairs of the Civil War, she joins neighbor outlaws to stop house burnings and killings by promoters of the civil war. When her brother is killed she sets out for revenge.
Conventions:
Highly skilled Hero: Sharpshooter, Horseback riding skills.
Mission: To protect her home from northern renegade Civil war promoters.
Demand for Action: Houses are burned, and neighbors are killed.
Antagonist: Renegade soldiers promoting the civil war.
Escalating Action: Her beloved brother killed by a Northern promoter. She struggles to find his killer.
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Hello, I’m Pat Galbraith. Glad to be here and meet everyone. I have written 9 screenplays and looking for ways to make them all better. Looking forward to the class.
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· Assignment 15 If you would like to exchange, please let me know. pgalbraith@epbfi.com
Subject line: Pat Galbraith’s readable Thriller Map
“What I learned is: It’s easier to locate where clues and misdirect go with an outline before completing the in entire script.
OPENING
Ext. Dirt Rd – Day
Two young boys bicycling on a dirt road through the woods come upon three bodies in a dump area.
They are so scared they run home to tell their parents.
Int. Bar and Grill – Night
Terry Holder having a drink in a bar. Gets the news “His brothers are missing.” Why?
Int. John George home – Day
The detectives interview the main suspect – John George. He’s belligerent with the detective. Why?
Ext. Searching Area -Day
Mr. Favors passes out food to the searchers to appear to be a nice guy.
Ext. Terry talks to neighbor’s – Day
The neighbors he interviews give John George a bad name.
He learns that John George has served time in prison for killing deer out of season and bringing them across state lines.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET – DAY
Terry notices poster’s hanging all over town advertising to buy property in the area.
EXT. SEARCH FIELD – DAY
In admiration the detective smiles at Favors for working with them.
EXT. YARD – DAY
Detective finds blood in John George’s truck and calls lab to come take a sample.
EXT. YARD – DAY
Lab workers come to take sample tell detective they get it back soon as they can.
EXT. LAB – DAY
Lab reports back to detective. Blood is from a deer.
· TURNING POINT 1
INT. TERRY’S MOTHER’S HOME – DAY
After discussions with his Mother Terry realizes that he must take over finding the killer.
EXT. JOHN GEORGE’S HOME -DAY
John George is not home, but he’s son is. Terry tries to talk to the boy. Terry gets angry when he becomes belligerent like his father did.
Terry believes he is hiding something.
EXT. NEAR MR. FAVORS SHED – DAY
Mr. Favors catches the boy looking around his shed.
EXT. HWY NEAR FREEWAY – NIGHT
That night the son is found dead in his car.
INT. JOHN’S HOME – DAY
John George calls Terry to discuss his son.
He thinks Terry killed his son.
EXT. CITY STREET -DAY
· Terry talks with John George on the street. A fight breaks out. (Both men believe lies) MIDPOINT
· EXT. JOHN GEORGE’S YARD – DAY
· John George is shot in his yard by a drive by.
· EXT. HWY DAY
· detective and Terry are run off the road by a black sedan.
· INT. JAIL – DAY
· John George’s son is brought in and interrogated.
· TURNING POINT 2:
· INT. TERRY’S HOME -DAY
· Terry gets a tip that the ATVS may be in Mr. Favors storage shed.
· CLIMAX:
· EST. FAVORS SHED – DAY
· The ATVS were found in the storage shed. Mr. Favors was arrested after a standoff.
· EXT. JAIL – DAY
· Mr Favors brought into jail finally confess. As Terry walks down the steps at the jail. A black sedan drives by Mrs. Favors is driving.
· Terry stares in disbelief.
RESOLUTION:
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
· John George was released from the hospital.
· INT. TERRY’S FAMILY HOME – DAY
· Terry’s family got some closure.
· INT. JAIL – DAY
· John George was released on the charges of poaching after his longtime friend confessed
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Assignment 14
Subject line: Pat Galbraith’s readable Thriller Map
“What I learned is: It’s easier to locate where clues and misdirect go with an outline before completing the in entire script.
OPENING
Ext. Dirt Rd – Day
Two young boys bicycling on a dirt road through the woods come upon three bodies in a dump area.
They are so scared they run home to tell their parents.
Int. Bar and Grill – Night
Terry Holder having a drink in a bar. Gets the news “His brothers are missing.” Why?
Int. John George home – Day
The detectives interview the main suspect – John George. He’s belligerent with the detective. Why?
Ext. Searching Area -Day
Mr. Favors passes out food to the searchers to appear to be a nice guy.
Ext. Terry talks to neighbor’s – Day
The neighbors he interviews give John George a bad name.
He learns that John George has served time in prison for killing deer out of season and bringing them across state lines.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET – DAY
Terry notices poster’s hanging all over town advertising to buy property in the area.
EXT. SEARCH FIELD – DAY
In admiration the detective smiles at Favors for working with them.
EXT. YARD – DAY
Detective finds blood in John George’s truck and calls lab to come take a sample.
EXT. YARD – DAY
Lab workers come to take sample tell detective they get it back soon as they can.
EXT. LAB – DAY
Lab reports back to detective. Blood is from a deer.
· TURNING POINT 1
INT. TERRY’S MOTHER’S HOME – DAY
After discussions with his Mother Terry realizes that he must take over finding the killer.
EXT. JOHN GEORGE’S HOME -DAY
John George is not home, but he’s son is. Terry tries to talk to the boy. Terry gets angry when he becomes belligerent like his father did.
Terry believes he is hiding something.
EXT. NEAR MR. FAVORS SHED – DAY
Mr. Favors catches the boy looking around his shed.
EXT. HWY NEAR FREEWAY – NIGHT
That night the son is found dead in his car.
INT. JOHN’S HOME – DAY
John George calls Terry to discuss his son.
He thinks Terry killed his son.
EXT. CITY STREET -DAY
· Terry talks with John George on the street. A fight breaks out. (Both men believe lies) MIDPOINT
· EXT. JOHN GEORGE’S YARD – DAY
· John George is shot in his yard by a drive by.
· EXT. HWY DAY
· detective and Terry are run off the road by a black sedan.
· INT. JAIL – DAY
· John George’s son is brought in and interrogated.
· TURNING POINT 2:
· INT. TERRY’S HOME -DAY
· Terry gets a tip that the ATVS may be in Mr. Favors storage shed.
· CLIMAX:
· EST. FAVORS SHED – DAY
· The ATVS were found in the storage shed. Mr. Favors was arrested after a standoff.
· EXT. JAIL – DAY
· Mr Favors brought into jail finally confess. As Terry walks down the steps at the jail. A black sedan drives by Mrs. Favors is driving.
· Terry stares in disbelief.
RESOLUTION:
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
· John George was released from the hospital.
· INT. TERRY’S FAMILY HOME – DAY
· Terry’s family got some closure.
· INT. JAIL – DAY
· John George was released on the charges of poaching after his longtime friend confessed
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Assignment 13
Subject line: Pat Galbraith’s Misdirects…When Appropriate!
“What I learned is there is always room for a few misdirects
ASSIGNMENT
1. Check these three to see how effectively you used misdirection
· A. The Red Herring character.
B. The Villain’s plan.
C. The cover-up for each
mystery presents as “Reality.”
(See Map)2. Look through your Thriller Map for a few opportunities to add in misdirection.
A. Clue Misdirection.
B. Character Misdirection.
C. Dialogue Misdirection.
(See map)3. Decide on the ones that work and apply.
My thriller map.
1. Mystery: Two young boys bicycling on a dirt road through the woods come upon three bodies in a dump area.
· They are so scared they run home to tell their parents.
· 2. INCITING INCIDENT: Terry Holder having a drink in a bar. Gets the news “His brothers are missing.”
Clue: The bodies were found in a dump.
· 3. Misdirect: The detectives interview the main suspect – John George. He is belligerent with the detective.
Clue: He has a prison history.
He was in prisoned for poaching across state lines.
· Detective/John George
· Trust: Detective assumes that John George is innocent Until.
· Distrust: He becomes belligerent.
· Why is he belligerent with police.
Does he have something to hide?
o Direction: Detective believes he guilty.
Twist 2: In reality he’s not a Teddy bear, but he’s not a killer.
· 4 Neighbors around the area give John George a bad name.
· What do the neighbors know?
Clue: He has served time in prison for poaching.
· 5. Misdirect: Mystery: Mr. Favors offers food to the searchers.to appear to be a nice guy.
Clue: Investment posters hang around town to buy property in
the area.· Detective/Harry Favors
Trust: The detective admires Favors for
working with them.
Direction: Detective believes he’s a very nice guy.
Twist 3: He’s no nice guy.
· 6Msdirect: Mystery: Detective finds blood in John George’s truck and calls Terry to tell him things aren’t good.
· Detective/ John George
· Distrust: More evidence against John George.
· Trust: The blood was actual from a deer
Direction: Appears to be blood from victims.
Twist 4: Blood is from a deer.
· TURNING POINT 1
· 7. Terry, brother, realizes that he must find his brothers’ killer.
· 8. Intrigue Terry gets angry with one of John George’s sons.
· Terry/ John George’s Son
· Distrust: Terry believes he is hiding something.
Misdirect/ Mystery: That night the son ends up dead in his car. (had nothing to do with the current crime.
Clue: Favors caught him messing around near Harry Favors shed.
· Distrust: John George/Terry
· John George believes Terry had something to do with his son’s death.
· 9 Life Threatening: John George angry about his son comes to look for Terry.
Direction: Because of the fight, he thinks Terry has knocked off his son.
Clue: It was a former friend that thought he might get into trouble too.
Twist 5: Terry had nothing to do with the killing of his son.
· 10. Misdirect clue/ Suspense: Detective finds out John George has served time in prison
· Distrust: Terry and the detective are watching John George more closely.
· 11 Life threatening:
Misdirect clue. Terry talks with John George on the street. A fight breaks out. (both men believe lies)
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Assignment 12
Pat Gives Great Clues.
What I learned from this assignment Is: The clues are what readers look for to solve the crime. They usually come from Suspense and Intrigue.
· 1. Mystery: Two young boys bicycling on a dirt road through the woods came upon three bodies in a dump area.
· They are so scared they run home to tell their parents.
· 2. INCITING INCIDENT: Terry Holder having a drink in a bar. Gets the news “His brothers are missing.”
· 3. The detectives interview the main suspect – John George. He is belligerent with the detective.
· Detective/John George
· Trust: Detective assumes that John George is innocent Until.
· Distrust: He becomes belligerent.
· Why is he belligerent with police.
Does he have something to hide?
Direction: Detective believes he guilty.
Twist 2: In reality he’s not a Teddy bear, but he’s not a killer.
· 4 Neighbors around the area give John George a bad name.
· What do the neighbors know?
· 5. Mystery: Mr. Favors offers food to the searchers.to appear to be a nice guy.
· Detective/Harry Favors
Trust: The detective admires Favors for
working with them.
Direction: Detective believes he’s a very nice guy.
Twist 3: He’s no nice guy.
· 6. Mystery: Detective finds blood in John George’s truck and calls Terry to tell him things aren’t good.
· Detective/ John George
· Distrust: More evidence against John George.
· Trust: The blood was actual from a deer
Direction: Appears to be blood from victims.
Twist 4: Blood is from a deer..
· TURNING POINT 1
· 7. Terry, brother, realizes that he must find his brothers’ killer.
· 8. Intrigue Terry gets angry with one of John George’s sons.
· Terry/ John George’s Son
· Distrust: Terry believes he is hiding something.
· Mystery: That night the son ends up dead in his car.
· Distrust: John George/Terry
· John George believes Terry had something to do with his son’s death.
· 9 Life Threatening: John George angry about his son comes to look for Terry.
Direction: Because of the fight, he thinks Terry has knocked off his son.
Twist 5: Terry had nothing to do with the killing of his son.
· 10. Suspense: Detective finds out John George has served time in prison
· Distrust: Terry and the detective are watching John George more closely.
· 11 Life threatening:
· Terry talks with John George on the street. A fight breaks out.
· MIDPOINT.
· 13. VILLAIN’S PLAN: John George is shot and almost killed.
· Why would someone shoot John George?
· Detective/Terry
· Distrust: Detective questions Terry.
Direction: Terry believes it to be John George.
Twist 6: It’s really a former friend and fellow hunter.
· 14. Mystery: The detective and Terry are run off the road by a black sedan.
· Terry and Detective/John George
· Distrust: Was it John George?
· Who was in the car that run them off road?
· Who ran them off the road?
Direction: They think it has something to do with the George family.
Twist: The black sedan is owned by Mrs. Favors.
· TURNING POINT 2:
· Suspense: Terry gets a tip that the ATVS may be in Mr. Favors storage shed.
· Terry and Detective/ Harry Favors and Mrs. Favors.
· Distrust: Who called in the tip?
Direction: Terry thinks it one of John George’s sons.
Reveal/Twist 8: It’s Mrs. Favors? She feared being in the middle of the murders. Wants to clear herself. She used a muffle rag so they couldn’t tell if she was male or female. (A trust is violated)
· 16. CLIMAX: The ATVS were found in the storage shed. Mr. Favors was arrested after a standoff.
· 17. RESOLUTION: Terry’s family got some closure. John George was released from the hospital. Terry and police apologize to John George proves to be trustworthy when the truth came out.
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Assignment 11:
Pat’s Dramatic Reveals.
What I learned is: How to make sure all your mysteries, intrigues and suspense have a reveal in your story.
Make a list of the important reveals that you want the audience to experience.
Reveal 1:
INTRIGUE: Three men are found dead.
Reveal: Who killed them and why.
REVEAL 2:
MYSTERY: Why is his brother missing.
Reveal: His brothers are dead.
REVEAL 3
Intrigue: John George is belligerent when interview by police.
Reveal: He’s hiding something else.
REVEAL 4:
Intrigue: Neighbors give John George a bad name.
Reveal: The neighbors have something to hide too.
REVEAL: 5:
Mystery: Why is Mr. favors feeding all the searches.
Reveal: He’s hiding more than one thing.
REVEAL:6
MYSTERY: Blood is found in John George’s truck.
Suspense: The blood is sent to a lab
Reveal: The blood is not human. It’s deer blood.
REVEAL: 7
Intrigue: Terry decides he must find his brothers killer on his own.
Reveal: Terry does find who the killer is.
REVEAL: 8
Mystery: Someone kills one of John George’s sons.
Suspense: John George believes it was Terry Holder, our hero.
Reveal: He’s killed by Harry Favors because he was snoopy around the shed where the ATVS are hidden.
REVEAL: 9
Intrigue: learns John George has been in prison.
Mystery: What was he in prison for.
Reveal: Shooting deer out of season and carrying them across state lines.
REVEAL: 10
Intrigue: Terry Holder and George cross paths on the street.
Suspense: Terry has a fight with John George.
Reveal: John George is not the killer.
REVEAL: 11
Intrigue: Why would someone shoot John George.
Mystery: Who shot John George?
Reveal: John George was shot by Harry Favors.
Reveal 12:
MYSTERY: Who would run them off the road?
INTRIGUE: Why would someone run them off the road?
Reveal: John George’s son did it because of his father and brother being killed.
REVEAL: 13
MYSTERY: Who called Terry with the tip of who done it?
Intrigue: For what reason would someone call with a tip?
Reveal: Mrs. Harry Favors calls in the tip. She doesn’t want to get charged with the crime.
2. Sequence them to fit into your Thriller Map. (As numbered)
3. With each reveal, make sure the following are in place:
• A. What is the reveal?
• B. How did it get covered up?
• C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?
• D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.
4. Build any improvements into your Thriller Map.
5. Tell us about the reveals you built into your Thriller Map. (as above)
Entered each in my map. Tighten the story. It made the last part more entertaining.
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ASSIGNMENT 10
Pat’s trust relationships
What I learned doing this assignment is; How they can switch when the details all come together.
Create trust / distrust relationships between your characters and add them to your Thriller Map.
1. Make a list of the <b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>main characters.
Hero: Terry Holder
Villain: Harry Favors
Red Herring: John George
2. What is their basic state — trustable or not trustable?
Hero: Terry/ Trustable
Villain: Harry Favors Trusted
but shouldn’t be.
Red Herring Character:/ Isn’t
trusted but should be3.With each character, ask these questions:
A. What is their basic state?
Terry Holder: Trustworthy
Villain: Trustworthy but shouldn’t be.
Red Herring: Untrustworthy but should be.
B.How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable?
· Villain: Appears trustable. He fools everyone by being so agreeable
· Red herring appears to be guilty because he has things to hide.
· C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other?
· Villain: On first appearance he blames someone else. And tried to become friends with Terry and Law enforcement. ·
3.With each character relationship, brainstorm how trust or distrust might show up between them.
Hero / Villain: Trusted but
shouldn’t be
Terry was fooled by his
actions.
Hero / Red Herring Character:
Not trusted but should be. Terry was fooled by John George’s irrational behavior.4. Create a sequence for each trust/distrust relationship (like I did with Three Days of The Condor) and then add that to your map.
Trust Sequences.
Trust: When Terry first interviews John George he has no reason to distrust him.
Distrust: John George is belligerent with him. He doesn’t trust him after that.
Trust: Harry Favors treats the searchers with food and the use of his house. Mrs. Favors is just as helpful.
Distrust: John George’s sons seem to be hiding something.
Trust: Someone calls in a tip. Believed to be Mrs. Favors.
Distrust: Did favors put it in his own shed to accuse John George putting it there.
Distrust: Who ran them off the road.
Trust: John George had an alibi.
Distrust: WHO killed John George’s son?
Trust: Mr. Favors has an alibi.
Trust: John George is cleared of all charges. When he breaks down and tells them about the deer killings is the reason,<font face=”inherit”> he had been so disagreeable.</font>
Distrust: Harry Favors secret of wanting to buy John George’s property becomes clear he wanted to sell it to a investor for a big profit.
Trust: Mrs. Favors had called in the tip and wanted to clear herself of charges.
5. Give us the new version of your Thriller Map.
· 1. Mystery: Two young boys bicycling on a dirt road through the woods came upon three bodies in a dump area.
· They are so scared they run home to tell their parents.
· 2. INCITING INCIDENT: Terry Holder having a drink in a bar. Gets the news “His brothers are missing.”
· 3. The detectives interview the main suspect – John George. He is belligerent with the detective.
· Detective/John George
· Trust: Detective assumes that John George is innocent Until.
· Distrust: He becomes belligerent.
· Why is he belligerent with police.
· Does he have something to hide?
· 4 Neighbors around the area give John George a bad name.
· What do the neighbors know?
· 5. Mystery: Mr. Favors offers food to the searchers.to appear to be a nice guy.
· Detective/Harry Favors
· Trust: The detective admires Favors for working with them.
· 6. Mystery: Detective finds blood in John George’s truck and calls Terry to tell him things aren’t good.
· Detective/ John George
· Distrust: More evidence against John George.
· Trust: The blood was actual from a deer.
· TURNING POINT 1
· 7. Terry, brother, realizes that he must find his brothers’ killer.
· 8. Intrigue Terry gets angry with one of John George’s sons.
· Terry/ John George’s Son
· Distrust: Terry believes he is hiding something.
· Mystery: That night the son ends up dead in his car.
· Distrust: John George/Terry
· John George believes Terry had something to do with his son’s death.
· 9 Life Threatening: John George angry about his son comes to look for Terry.
· 10. Suspense: Detective finds out John George has served time in prison
· Distrust: Terry and the detective are watching John George more closely.
· 11 Life threatening:
· Terry talks with John George on the street. A fight breaks out.
· MIDPOINT.
· 13. VILLAIN’S PLAN: John George is shot and almost killed.
· Why would someone shoot John George?
· Detective/Terry
· Distrust: Detective questions Terry.
· 14. Mystery: The detective and Terry are run off the road by a black sedan.
· Terry and Detective/John George
· Distrust: Was it John George?
· Who was in the car that run them off road?
· Who ran them off the road?
· TURNING POINT 2:
· Suspense: Terry gets a tip that the ATVS may be in Mr. Favors storage shed.
· Terry and Detective/ Harry Favors and Mrs. Favors.
· Distrust: Who called in the tip?
· Trust: It was Mrs. Favors. She didn’t want to be involved any more.
· 16. CLIMAX: The ATVS were found in the storage shed. Mr. Favors was arrested after a standoff.
· 17. RESOLUTION: Terry’s family got some closure. John George was released from the hospital. Terry and police apologize to John George proves to be trustworthy when the truth came out.
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Subject: Pat’s Twist and Turns
What I learned doing this assignment is: Twists and turns keep the audience engaged.
1. Mystery: Two young boys bicycling on a dirt road through the woods come upon three bodies in a dump area.
They are so scared they run home to tell their parents.
2. INCITING INCIDENT: TERRY, brother of one of the victims, having a drink in a bar. Gets the news “His brothers are missing.”
3. The detectives interview the main suspect – John George. He is belligerent with the detective.
Why is he belligerent with police?
Does he have something to hide?
Twist 1: He thinks they’re there because he’s shot to many deer for the year.
4 Neighbors around the area give John George a bad name.
What do the neighbors know?
Direction: The villain has convinced neighbors that John George is a bad guy.
Twist 2: In reality he’s not a Teddy bear, but he’s not a killer.
5.Mystery Mr. Favors offers food to the searchers.to appear to be a nice guy.
Direction: Appears to be a nice guy.
Twist 3: He’s no nice guy.
6.Mystery: Detective finds blood in John George’s truck and calls Terry to tell him things aren’t good.
Direction: Appears to be blood from victims.
Twist 4: Blood is from a deer.
TURNING POINT 1
7. Terry, brother, realizes that he must find his brothers’ killer.
8.Intrigue Terry gets angry with one of John George’s sons.
9.Mystery That night, the son ends up dead in his car.10. Life Threatening: John George angry about his son comes to look for Terry.
Direction: Because of the fight, he thinks Terry has knocked off his son.
Twist 5: Terry had nothing to do with the killing of his son.
11.Suspense: Detective finds out John George has served time in prison.
12. Life threatening: Terry gets a call from someone. The caller. tells him if he doesn’t get off the case, he’ll be killed.
Direction: Terry believes it to be John George.
Twist 6: It’s really Mr. Favors the killer.
13. Life threatening:
Terry talks with John George on the street. A fight breaks out.Who was the caller?
MIDPOINT.
14. VILLAIN’S PLAN: John George is shot and almost killed.
Why would someone shoot John George?
15. Mystery: The detective and Terry are run off the road by a black sedan.
Who was in the car that run them off road?
Who ran them off the road?
Direction: They think it’s John George.
Twist 7: It’s really Mr. Favors.
TURNING POINT 2:
16.Suspense: Terry gets a tip that the ATVS may be in Mr. Favors storage shed and is almost killed when he comes across Favors near there.
Who called in the tip?
Direction: Terry thinks it one of John George’s sons.
Twist 8: It’s Mrs. Favors? She feared being in the middle of this. Wants to clear herself. She used a muffle rag so they couldn’t tell if she was male or female. (A trust is violated)
17.CLIMAX: The ATVS were found in the storage shed. Mr. Favors was arrested.
18. RESOLUTION: Terry’s family got some closure. John George was released from the hospital. Got and apology from Terry and police.
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Pat’s Thriller Plot
What I learned is my MIS scenes are coming together. Very enjoyable to see things working.
OPENING:
1. Life threatening:
Two young boys walking near their home come upon three bodies in a dump
area. They are so scared they run home to tell their parents.2. INCITING INCIDENT: TERRY, brother of one of the
victims, having a drink in a bar. Gets the news “His brothers are missing.”3.Intrigue: The detectives interview the main suspect – John
George. He is belligerent with the detective.4 Neighbors around the area give John
George a bad name.What do the neighbors know?
5.Mystery Mr.
Favors offers food to the searchers.to appear to be a nice guy.6. Mystery:
Detective finds blood in John George’s truck and calls Terry to tell him things aren’t good.7. The three men are found at the dump and notified the family.
TURNING POINT 1
8. Terry, brother, realizing that he must find his brothers killer.
Intrigue Terry gets angry with one of John George’s sons.
9. Mystery That night,
the son ends up dead in his car<b 9. style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>9 Life Threatening: John George angry about his son comes to look for
Terry.10.Suspense: Detective
finds out John George has served time in prison.11 Life threatening:
Terry gets a threatening call. The caller threatens to kill him if he doesn’t get off the case.Mystery: Who was the caller?
MIDPOINT.
13. VILLAIN’S PLAN: John George is shot and almost killed.
Why would someone shoot John George?
13.Mystery: The
detective and Terry are run off the road by a black sedan.Who was in the car that run
them off road?Who ran them off the road?
TURNING POINT 2:
15.Suspense: Terry gets a tip that the ATVS may
be in Mr. Favors storage shed and is almost killed when he comes across
Favors near there.
Who called in the tip?16.CLIMAX: The ATVS were found in the storage shed. Mr. Favors was arrested.
17. RESOLUTION: Terry’s family got some closure. John George was released from the hospital.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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ASSIGNMENT 7<div>
Patricia Galbraith’s Life-Threatening Sequence
What I learned in this class: How to think about the way things are phrase to get a mystery, Intrique and coverups.
Life Threatening
Sequence.
1. What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the
Hero in danger? The villain will want to keep all his secrets. If the Hero
gets to close, he could be killed.
2. What other potential dangers could your Hero experience
as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain?
3. From the list of potential dangers, choose the ones
that workThreats
· Talking about the danger
· Physical danger
· Surveillance / watched
· Chased
· Lured into a dangerous situation
· Closeness to the villain
· Trapped / Abducted / Arrested
· Danger to someone they know
· People around them die or are injured.
· Stalked
· Thugs or professionals hired to hurt them.
· Presence of weapons or thugs
· The unknown
· Etc.
But the danger could also come
from other areas:
Something that damages their reputation..
4. Sequence those dangers in order and make a list like
the one I did for Basic Instinct above.
Sequence of threatening
situations.
1.Opens with the brother of one
of the victims having a drink in a bar. (He just heard the news his
brother is missing).
2. The detectives meet the main suspect – John George. He is belligerent with the detective.
3. Neighbors around the area give John George a bad name.
4.Mr. Favors offers food to the
searchers.to appear to be a nice guy.
5.Detective finds blood in John
George’s truck.
6.Terry started drinking again.
He has a fight in a bar. Police arrest him.
7.Terry gets angry with one of John
George’s sons.
That night, the son ends up
dead in his car.
8. John George angry about his
son comes to look for Terry.
9.Detective finds out John
George has served time in prison.
10 Terry talks with John George
on the street. A fight breaks
11. Terry answers the phone. Someone threatens to kill him if
he doesn’t get off the case.
12. The detective and Terry are run off the road by a black
sedan.
13.John George is shot and
almost killed.
14. Terry gets a tip that the ATVS may be in Mr. Favors
storage shed and is almost killed when he comes across Favors near there.
15. Mr. Favors loses his battle as he makes a mistake. The
ATVS are found in his storage building.
16. The ending brings closure to the family as Mr. Favors is
hauled off to jail.
</div> </div> </div> -
Subject Line: Pat Galbraith’s Mystery Sequence.
What I learned is:
All of the villain’s secrets are mysteries.
Learned the pattern of a mystery chain.
Writer’s strategy is “secret” then “cover-up”, audience is the reverse.
1. What is the big secret that the Villain’s covering up?
Who killed the ATV Riders?
2.How many ways can they cover that secret?
After the killing he placed blood in their truck.
He has a false alibi.
Lies to police and his wife backs him up.
He told police the house was lit up like a Christmas tree that night.
Told police his sons were arguing over there that night.
Provided food to the searchers to make himself look good.
3. The first mystery must engage the Hero into solving it.
Three ATV Riders missing after going for a ride on the mountain sets an old detective off to find them alive.
4. Sequence the mysteries so that each one leads us to the next one. Include ONE Red Herring mystery if you can.
5. Mystery Chain
Mystery 1: Three ATV Riders missing on the mountain.
Mystery 2: Who killed the Riders
Mystery 3: What is John George hiding?
The “Red Herring” makes himself look guilty by arguing with police and not cooperating with the search for the men.
Mystery 4: Is Mr. Favors the killer?
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Pat Galbraith’s Villain’s great plan!
What I learned from this assignment? Great way to lay out the villain’s plan by reading it in reverse.
When a villain finds that he can’t sell his valuable property because of ATV riders are destroying the property. He makes his plan.
To create your Villain’s plan, answer these four questions:
1. What is the end goal?
Make a lot of money on the sale
Sell the property
Get rid of the ATV riders
2. How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way?
Make a plan with neighbors who don’t want strangers on their property either.
Ready with a high-power rifle
Cut trees to hide ATVS
Handcuffs to get them under control if needed.
Talk to his sons about help.
.
3. How can he cover it up.
He was out of town when it happened.
His wife heard a big truck on the property that night.
The sons went with their father
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Assignment: 4.1
Pat Galbraith’s Basic Instinct Stacking Suspense.
What I learned: Every scene has a purpose; better understanding of Stacking.
MIS Elements are in every scene
Hal’s Handout was very beneficial.
Great characters.
The movie keeps you guessing throughout including the ending.
Assignment 4.2
Pat Galbraith’s SOTL Stacking Suspense
What I learned watching Silence of the Lambs and filling out the M.I.S.
3. Learned how the M.I.S works and filled it in for my practice.
1. Watched Silence of the Lambs Movie .
2. Stopped at end of each scene to fill in my SOLT Chart
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ASSIGNMENT 3
What I learned doing this assignment is I need to begin with MIS before writing.
Subject line: Pat Galbraith’s World and Characters.
1.Logline:
After three young men are killed during an ATV ride, a younger teen brother risks life and death to find the killer.
Big Mystery: Who killed the three men?
Big Intrigue: Fears of investigating in clandestine mountain terrain.
Big Suspense: Will our Hero be safe or will he lose his cool and get killed. If this villain has killed once he’ll kill again.
2. Intriguing World of a mountain redneck
3. Characters
Hero-Terry, brother of a victim.
A. Mystery: Will whoever is sending the threats kill him?
B. Intrigue: Interviews and spies on suspects. Will the wrong people catch him.
C. Suspense: He’s hot headed no telling what he might do to find the killer.
Red Herring-Jim Daniels
A. Mystery: Did Jim kill the three men?
B. Intrigue: Does Jim know the killer?
C. Suspense: Why was Jim in the area that day.
Villain-Peter Croft
A. Mystery: Why did he kill these men? What purpose did it serve?
B. Intrigue: Redneck landowner who is tired of people coming on his land.
C. Suspense: Causes upset with threatening remarks to people who talk to the law.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Pat Galbraith’s Big M.I.S.
What I learned doing this assignment is… Learned more about conventions and how they should be Intertwined in the story.
Logline: Three ATV riders don’t come home after a trail ride.
Three questions:
1. What are the conventions of your story? Intrigue, Mystery, Suspense
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero:
Detective and family of those killed feel threatened.
Dangerous Villain:
Redneck landowner.
High stakes:
The threat of death
Life and death situations:
Detective is placed in life threatening situations as he investigates.
This story is thrilling because?
The story keeps us worried that the redneck landowner will kill again.
2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story? Who killed the three riders and can he be convicted.
Big Mystery: What is the main
mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story?The riders are missing and catching the villain.
Big Intrigue: What is the
covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for
most of the movie?A redneck Landowner tired of people coming on his property has a firearm.
Big Suspense: What is the main
danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script?That the redneck landowner will kill the detective.
Will the redneck get away. Will they find the riders dead or alive.
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Title: Maltese Falcon thrilller conventions
What I learned from this lesson? It takes all the conventions to make a good thriller.
Analyze a THRILLER
1. Go to Netflix, iTunes, or Amazon and search for “thriller” movies. Pick a thriller that fits three criteria and answer the two questions below:
Matches our model.
Is not one of our example
movies.
You can get instant access to.
Check iTunes, Netflix, or Amazon.Is not one of example but has all the conventions.
2. Watch the movie and as you do, note the conventions of THIS story.
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero:
Sam Spade is a detective that hard up for work.
Dangerous Villain:
A killer and will kill again.
High stakes:
Fear for his life as he interviews people.
Life and death situations:
More than one person is killed
This movie is thrilling
because?The movie follows all the conventions of Mystery, Intrigue, and suspense.
3. What is the BIG Mystery,
Intrigue, and Suspense of this story?Big Mystery: <div>
Big mystery is the
killer is a family member.Big Intrigue: Why does the
daughter sends an imposter to talk to the detective?Big Suspense: Finding the
killer on an isolated island.</div>
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Subject: (Movie Title You Did)
Hi (producer’s name),
I have a new thriller script I’d like you to read to see if it something you like.
Logline: A group of misfit skateboarders risk their Lifes to find a killer.
I absolutely adored (Movie Title You Did).
I’m a screenwriter, and my specialty genre is thrillers. I would love to work with you on your next project. I am available for assignments; writing your idea, rewriting something for you, treatments, adaptations, anything you need.
I can of course send you a writing sample, in the thriller genre.
Please let me know if you have any questions. Have a wonderful day!
My three strategies for Marketing.
1. Find producers to send my queries to. Research Imbd, Linkedin, Facebook, and Twitter.
2. Rewrite and polish my samples.
3. Send out queries to Producers. the more you send the more likely you find a producer who needs someone now.
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ASSIGNMENT 11
Patricia Galbraith’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value.
What I learned doing this assignment is:
Learned how to do a professional interview with a producer.
Pricing to get foot in door.
Adding to perceived value as a writer.
Since much of what gets you deals and/or paid is perceived value, tell us your plan to increase your perceived value with producers.
1. Enjoy thrillers and write them enjoyable to the reader.
2. How many producers do you have in your LinkedIn Network?
Not many, but will work to improve it to 100 thriller producers
A. Go to your LinkedIn page. In the search box, put in the word “producer.” Click Search.
B. When the list of producers comes up, it will be for all producers. On the right hand side, you’ll see boxes for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Click 1st.
C. With your search narrowed to producer and 1st connections, you’ll have an accurate number.
3. Looking at the list above titled “Increasing Your Perceived Value,” please tell us your plan for increasing your value in these three time frames:
A. Today
Get linkedin producer list.
B. In the next 30 days
Continue to increase my producer list.
C. In the next 6 months
Contact producers using my producers list
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Pat Galbraith is a Note Taking Professional!
What I learned is producers’ notes can be extensive and to be ready for them.
Logline: A young girl and her misfit skateboarder friends risk their lives to catch a thief.
Tell us how you would honor each of the following requests:
Cut the budget in half.
Reduce characters
Reduce crowds
Reduce script page count
Reduce stunts; raise conflict
Write it for a different
audience (quadrant).Write for young women under 25
Double the conflict.
More enter conflict with the father and friends
Change the sex and age of the
lead character.Change to female lead with her father as a single parent.
Change the genre.
Add more comedy within the group and lead’s father.
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Pat
Galbraith’s Decreased BudgetWhat
I learned from doing this assignment.When
writing to be more concerned about high costMAIN VARIABLES
• Number of Locations 6 to 3
• Expensive locations
• Number of characters 12 to 7
• Special effects none
• Number of pages 120 to 90
• Crowd scenes change to smaller crowds
• Stunts, Chase scenes, remove one stunt.
• Special sets
SECONDARY VARIABLES
• Rights to music, brands, books, etc
• Explosions and Firearms
• Kids — shorter workdays, tutor on the set none.
• Animals – need a wrangler, more time to shoot, Humane Society
• Weather — Rain, snow, wind, tornados none
• Water and underwater scenes 1 scene
• Night scenes 1 scene
• Helicopters, aircraft, drone shots None
• Green screen work None
• Extensive Make-up None
• Archival Footage None
• Anything else dangerous that increases preparation time and/or Insurance
2. With a major scene that depends upon a “high budget variable,” take it through the process of finding another way to deliver on the dramatic goal.
1. Tell us about the high budget item in your script that you are letting go of.
Changing story to have less characters.
2. Ask, “What is the dramatic goal am I trying to accomplish with this scene?”
3. Ask, “How can I accomplish the dramatic goal without the expense?”
Add more dramatics to the character. When taking out a stunt.
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Pat Galbraith’s rewrite of Patrick’s Fantastic Treatment
What I learned: I was concerned that I just had a basic idea for this story. But by writing out the treatment I discovered several story elements and flushed out a much more detailed story. Now I think I will actually write the screenplay.
Title: Child Proof (Consider something about baseball.
Genre: Family/Time Travel
Logline: When a protected ten-year-old boy learns his elderly neighbor was a former major league baseball player, but his life was ruined when he was framed by another player
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Treatment:
ACT 1
Wyatt Cassidy, 10, suffers through an after-school Public Speaking class. At 4:30 pm his mom picks him up in the car, reminds him to use seatbelt. He is looking forward to watching a TV show that evening. But it’s his session with the math tutor. Then he has an hour of homework. Wyatt’s ‘spare time’ is filled with piano lessons, computer camp, math tutorials, and the public speaking class. A relative’s wedding is coming up and is parents have enrolled him in a dance class for the occasion.
Most days he is driven the three blocks to the school. Occasionally when he walks, he is accompanied by a parent. When he rides his bike, he must wear a safety helmet and only stay within four blocks of home. Sunblock is a must whenever outside. Wyatt loves baseball. Now too old for t-ball, he wants to play in the softball league. But his parents say it’s too rough and forbid him from joining. He says he’d like to play on a football team but Dad says it’s too dangerous. But it’s only a touch league. No. You could get poked in the eye or fall down.
The family is shopping in a grocery store. An old man gets stares and muttered comments by several customers. An older man insults him. Wyatt is curious. Dad tells him that is Herb Grant the baseball player who was banned from playing back in the 1960s. He was caught betting against his team and bribing a league official. A few days later Wyatt crashes his bike and skins his knee. An old man watering his lawn comes to his rescue. He is Herb Grant. He bandages Wyatt’s knee. Wyatt sees a photo of young Herb in a Pittsburgh Pirates uniform. He likes Herb.
Wyatt and friend George ride to a small field in their neighborhood. The friend mentions that a long time ago kids built an underground fort somewhere in the field. Wyatt is fascinated by this. They scuff around trying to find it, but without success. The boys contemplate crossing the field to an adjacent neighborhood. Wyatt’s cell phone rings, it’s his mom reminding him to get home for his piano lesson. The next say at school, Wyatt talks about the underground fort with a boy and girl. Wyatt’s interest is further piqued when they mention rumors that gold and silver were hidden in the fort. And maybe even someone was even killed in the fort.
It’s Saturday. The parents have arranged a playdate for Wyatt later in the morning. But his thoughts are on money; he needs money to buy a computer game. He remembers the rumors of the Underground fort. He goes to the field and searches. He finds some boards covered with earth and discovers the fort. He crawls down into it. He rummages through the mess for the treasure. Suddenly the roof boards and earth collapse on him, he is knocked unconscious.
ACT 2
Wyatt awakes to the sound of children. Three boys and a girl enter the fort and are surprised to find Wyatt. Wyatt notices that the fort is in good shape, no mess, no debris. He is worried that he’ll be late for playdate, he tries cell phone; it does not work. He asks the other kids if he can use one of their cell phones. They don’t know what he’s talking about. Wyatt looks around and sees that the field has somehow quadrupled in size. He looks in the direction of his house but there are just woods. Confused and upset, he gets on the back David’s bike and the kids ride to David’s house. Wyatt notices no one wears bike helmets. And most houses have TV antennas. Wyatt is shocked to learn that it is 1962.
David’s family take Wyatt in until they can find his home. They discover that his phone number, address and school do not exist. Where he claims to live is just woods. There is no record of the Cassidy family in the area. When David’s mother washes Wyatt’s clothes she finds coins dated in the 2000s. She and her family are perplexed. Some of the kids are fascinated with Wyatt, he’s different, knows things they’ve never heard of. Some think he’s an alien from outer space. Some bigger kids bully him as they consider him a freak. Over the next few days Wyatt sees a different world from what he is familiar with. There are no computers, cell phones, answering machines or colored TVs. The black and white broadcasts show lots of ads for liquor and cigarettes. There are no seatbelts or baby seats or airbags in cars. No bike helmets, sunscreen, no playdates.
The Pittsburg Pirates are in nearby Fort Myers for spring training. David’s dad drives David, Wyatt and two other kids to watch the Pirates practice. Wyatt is surprised to see the first baseman is named Herb Grant. Wyatt recognizes him as the old man in his neighborhood. He learns that Herb Grant was rookie of the year in 1960 and had a great season in 1961. But this season, 1962, there is a contender for his position, all-star Jack Hannagan traded from the Baltimore Orioles. Wyatt says “Hi” to Herb and tells him that they have t, but Herb has no idea who Wyatt is.
Two men sit at a table in the club house restaurant. It’s Jack Hann
Back at the house, Wyatt explains to David how Herb Grant was accused of bribing an official and betting against his team. Wyatt likes Herb and believes he was innocent. The two boys bike to another Pirates practice. They overhear Jack Hannagan talk with a his agent about getting the better of Herb; the agent has a plan to guarantee Jack becomes the team’s first baseman. They find out the man is Doug Kramden Jack’s agent. The boys trail the team to their hotel. Three teens get Herbs autograph, they then give the signed papers to Kramden who pays them a few dollars. Wyatt and David follow Kramden up to his room. The boys linger in the hallway. Soon two men in dark suits enter Kramden’s room. They leave shortly with an envelope.
David’s teenage sister’s friend Lance is a batboy for the Pirates. Lance gets Wyatt and David into the Pirates clubhouse. One of the dark suited men comes in and sneaks papers and a notebook into Herb’s locker. As the boys walk along the corridor toward the stands, the second man in a dark suit approaches the umpire and slips him an envelope. The boys sit and watch Herb practice with the team. His playing is excellent, in the field and at bat. There is a commotion around the dugout. The team’s manager and coaches come out and angerly take Herb off the field. When the boys try to enter the clubhouse, they are barred. That evening the news reveals that Herb Grant has been accused of betting against the Pirates and attempting to bribe an umpire. He is suspended from the team.
ACT 3
The boys tell David’s father about the two men in dark suits. Wyatt is vehement that those men are the cause of Herb’s suspension. The father thinks Wyatt is overly imaginative, perhaps even a little crazy. He forbids the boys from going to the stadium. However, they return to the hotel just as Herb is being escorted by the police to a patrol car. Wyatt and Herb glance at each other. Wyatt says, “I know, I’ll help you.” Inside they find Kramden and Jack at lunch. They hear Kramden say how easy it was to set up Herb. Now Jack has a lucrative contract and Kramden gets twenty percent. The boys follow Kramden to his room and just after he unlocks the door David screams out in pain and falls. Kramden goes down the hall to help him. Wyatt sneaks into the hotel room. He rummages around and finds a notebook and some papers. Kramden opens the door just as Wyatt exits the room. Kramden grabs at Wyatt as he rushes by. He drops one of the papers. Kramden sees that it’s one of the contracts he made with the dark suited men. Kramden gets on the phone. Moments later he and the two men in dark suits chase Wyatt and Davis out of the hotel. The boys jump on their bikes and speed away. The three men get into a car and pursue the boys. They keep ahead by racing down narrow laneways and cutting across lawns. When the car is on their heels, the boys turn into an orange grove. The car manages to get only partway into the grove. David crashes his bike. The men run toward him. Wyatt stops and pelts the men with oranges, giving David time to get back on his bike. The boys take off with the men chasing them on foot, but only for a few yards. The boys get home safely to David’s. They say nothing to his parents.
One of the dark suited men recalls seeing the boys in the clubhouse hallway. The men find batboy Lance and force him to identify David and Wyatt. They set out to David’s house. The notebook Wyatt found is a xerox copy of the one left in Herbs locker. It lists supposed bets he made with bookies over the past year. Three papers are Herb’s signed agreements with bookies. And a fourth paper is a contract between Kramden and one of the gangsters. These documents could prove Herb’s innocence. Wyatt decides to go to the local police station. As he and David bike from the house, a black car approaches. The car speeds up and cuts the bikes off. But the boys maneuver around the car and race away, The car speeds after them. David yells for them to split up and for Wyatt to head to the underground fort. The two bikes part ways. The car stops, hesitates, then pursues Wyatt. He peddles hard and fast to the field. A fence prevents the car from driving onto the field, so the three men get out and run after Wyatt. He gets to the underground fort. He has trouble opening the lid to get in. The men are just yards from catching him. Finally, he flips the lid open just as he is grabbed by one of the men. Wyatt loses his balance and tumbles down into the fort. The lid falls closed. The men try to open it. Wyatt lays unconscious on the forts floor.
A cell phone rings awakens Wyatt. He is covered in earth. The fort is a mess. Groggy, he answers. It’s his mom wanting to know where he is and why he didn’t show up is play date. At home he explains his incredible story to his parents. They are skeptical. But when he presents the notebook and papers, his father agrees to take them to the authorities. There is a special ceremony at Fort Myers’ city hall with the mayor, the chief of police and the management of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Elderly Herb Grant is pardoned for all crimes and wrong doings. He is presented with a large compensation check and his old Pirates jersey. Wyatt is honored for uncovering the truth and restoring Herb’s good name.
Herb and Wyatt’s parents sit in the stands and happily cheer on Wyatt as he plays on his first little league baseball team.
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Pat Galbraith’s rewrite of George Petersen’s FANTASTIC TREATMENT
What I learned doing this assignment is that a treatment forces one to make sure things flow.
Title: Becoming a Mass Murderer (Demonic)
Genre: Thriller
Logline: A easy going married Art History Ph.D., recently graduated and drowning in debt, imagines the Devil talking to him offering him a job — if he will buy an illegal handgun and learn how to use it. But job security with the Devil comes at a price.
Opening:
Harry’s wife, Julia, sends him out to the city to find a job. Tells him everything is going to be okay.
Harry’s cell phone rings just as he’s entering a business office. Harry takes the call.
Inciting Incident:
Deep under the bay, Harry gets a phone call from Mephisto, who says he has a job for Harry if he will buy an illegal handgun and learn how to use it.
But the call is so unnerving, that Harry throws the phone against a concrete wall destroying the phone. People stare at him like he’s crazy. Harry beats his fist against his head.
He returns to the store to pick up a new phone making certain that this phone has a new number and no connections to the destroyed phone.
Harry returns to job hunting, relaxed and happy. He picks up a job lead at the university. He finds out that a friend of his is applying for the same job.
First Act Turning Point:
The phone rings. It’s him. It’s Mephisto. Harry is alarmed that Mephisto knows so many personal details about his life and that he can’t get rid of him.
Mephisto makes a peace offering. If Harry will lie about the friend and send a letter to the employer about his friend Mephisto will leiave him alone, forever.
Harry makes a fake letter from his university and drops it in the mail.
Harry goes back to job hunting, but Mephisto calls him. Harry reminds him of the terms of the agreement. Mephisto admits he lies and that he and Harry will be connected forever.
Harry destroys the phone.
At the store, Harry demands a burn phone, like the ones the terrorists use.
When Mephisto calls again, he asks Harry to go to the top of a tall building, where he informs Harry about the advantages of living a life based upon hate. Harry stands on the ledge of the building contemplating on jumping. He finally steps down and invites miphisto to meet his psychiatrist. Dr. Stein,
Midpoint:
During the session with Dr. Stein, there is a knock at the door. Dr. Stein asks Harry to shut off the phone, but it won’t shut off. Eventually Harry answers it and Dr. Stein asks if he may speak with Mephisto. Dr. Stein takes the phone and whereupon he suffers a fatal heart attack slumping to the floor. Harry check Dr. Stein and there is no heartbeat. Harry rushes out in fear.
When Harry arrives home, he’s wet with sweat. His wife is shocked and knows something is bad wrong with her husband and tells him he needs to go see Dr. Stein. He tells her Dr. Stein is dead. She thinks her husband may have killed him.
That night Harry hears a voice. It’s Mephisto. Mephisto presses Harry to join his quest and buy the illegal handgun. Harry goes on a walk throws the phone into the bay—Relief.
Second Act Turning Point:
Harry falls asleep on the subway. Mophisto begins to speak to him in a dream. Continuing to press him. This time he threatens his wife’s life.
Harry buys the illegal handgun. He tries to learn how to use it. He goes out into the woods to target practice. Mephisto talks to him again. Tells him he’s not a good shot and he needs to get a higher power gun.
Crisis: to shoot or not to shoot, that is the question. Harry visits a mall where there are lots of people. He sees them walking hurriedly carry packages, tugging children along as they go.
Harry goes home he is physically and mentally exhausted.
Climax:
In the mall Mothers, children, teens, and a few men. The mall is unusually busy. When Harry enters the mall with his x15, people begin to scream, babies crying. All looking for places to hide. He shoots in multiple direction with people falling like dominos.
Harry wakes up and uses his fists to beat his head. Harry realizes he can’t kill. Realizes and says that Mephisto is not real but he’s not going to leave him alone
He can’t live with Mephisto in his head.
The phone rings. Harry answers the phone it’s Dr. Stein asking him to come in for a visit.
Harry can’t believe Dr. Stein is alive. All this has been in his head.
Harry takes the pistol from his side table. A gun shot is heard.
Resolution: Harry’s death.
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Subject: Pat Galbraith Fantastic Treatment
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” I increased knowledge of how outlines are not all the same format. It’s best to confirm with the producer which one they prefer.
Title: Daddy’s Girl
Genre: Drama/Thriller
Logline: When a teen girl discovers her country music singer Dad has been killed, she risks her life to find his killer. And, to find her kidnapped Mother.
I am using the 3 Act Structure, describing the eight beats:
Opening:
Campground surrounded by a large lake. Young girl walks from camp store to her Aframe with a spring in her step.
Her country music singing Dad has been on the road and is coming home. He has an engagement at the Tavern on the hill just above the campground.
She and her dad spend time on the lake fishing and writing his next winning song.
She never knew why her parents divorced. She blamed her mother.
Inciting Incident:
While her father sings the first night a man who looks incredibly like her dad acts mysteriously at the tavern. Acting like he was out of place, occasionally catching her gaze. Giving her cause to wonder.
First Act Turning Point:
She learns her dad has been killed by a high-power rifle.
The sheriff interviews the family and all who had contact with her father that night.
Midpoint:
Learning her dad had borrowed money from a loan shark. Learning her mother has been kidnapped.
A phone call comes from the kidnapper giving her just a few days to return the money to get her mother back.
Second Act Turning Point:
Loan sharks’ threat to kill her because she hasn’t returned their money.
Crisis:
#1 She meets with the kidnappers in a dark warehouse to return the money and get her mom back.
The Sheriff learns that the look-a-like man talked to her dad backstage. So he becomes a suspect too.
Crisis:
#She comes face to face with her father’s killer.
Climax:
She questions the look-a-like man. He threatens to kill her because she’s found out his quilt, but soon confesses and breaks down to why he did it with his partner who coach him on. He wanted to take over her father’s career.
The look-a-like killer is arrested along with his partner.
Resolution:
She resolves her problems with her mother and her mother moves in to live with her.
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i had the same problem, Danielle. Click on the screenwriting classes next to the forum. When the image opens, click on the one with Hal’s name. Hope this helps. Pat Galbraith
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Patricia Galbraith Synopsis for Producer Interview
Title: Daddy’s Girl
Genre: Thriller
Logline: When a teen girl learns her beloved Father has been killed she takes risk to investigate his death.
Synopsis:
The story takes place at a campground. The campground is on a large lake. The campground contains six Aframe rentals, a store and a Tavern.
A girl walks down a path to her a frame cedar home.
Her country music singing father is coming home and he will be showcasing for the month at the local tavern.
When he gets home, they enjoy time together writing a song in a small boat on the lake that surrounds the camp ground.
Her Mother had divorced her father several years back and as far as the girl knew they had no contact. The girl had never known why they divorced.
One night while he sang at the club her father was stalked and shot by a high-power rifle.
Everyone loved her father, So everyone was befuddled as to why he was killed.
She sets out on a risky investigation to find out who killed her father.
She drives to her mother’s house and learns she has been kidnapped.
She soon learns that her father had borrowed money to further his career from a local drug lord. The drug lord gives her days to come up with the money.
She knew the money was in the house but couldn’t find where he hid it.
She also learns that her father is gay and his lover looks almost exactly like her Father and sings all his songs to perfection. The gay lover also has another partner and they had contrived to kill her father and take over his career. The local sheriff arrest the perpetrators.
At the Tavern, several weeks later, she sings the song that She and her Daddy wrote out on the lake.
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Pat Galbraith – Thriller
Title: The Psychic’s Black Crow
Genre: Thriller:
Concept: When five misfit skateboarders learn their fatherly mentor has been killed and the local sheriff doesn’t believe their story, they risk their life to find the murderer and rescue their three friends that have been kidnapped.
SUPER: LOS ANGELES (1975)
Overhead view of a hillside with a large neighborhood below.
Overhead view of Skyscrapers and City Streets. Close in on Sam’s Diner, white with silverr trimmed facade, glistens in the bright sun.
INT. SAM’S DINER – KITCHEN – DAY
A jukebox can be heard from the dining area, playing cool music as teenager —
RONNNIE HESTER 17, wearing a white cap and white apron over jeans and a T-shirt, works at a dish washing machine. Wipes sweat from his brow as–
RONNIE
There’s got to be a better way… to make a few dollars.
Ronnie’s POV – Finishes the last pot, throws a rag across the machine, hangs his white apron and cap on a hanger, hustles out. As the kitchen door swings open into–
DINNING ROOM
Juke Box gets louder. Ronnie’s Mom, BETH HESTER, early30’s, dressed in a white and red uniform, wipes down a table. Restaurant owner, SAM JOHNSON, 50’s, buses a nearby table.
RONNIE
Got to go Mom. The gang’s waiting.
Beth turns to Ronnie as she props her hand on her hip.
BETH
Listen son, be careful. You have no idea of evils lurk on the streets.
RONNIE
Mom?! I’m going be late.
SAM
You’re living in a dream world people aren’t what they always seem.
He swings his Mom around and places a kiss on her forehead.
BETH
Okay, Okay. Just don’t be in too late.
She stares through the sun drenched window, as Ronnie skates away.
Sam watches Beth, as he buses the table nearby. He shakes his finger in Ronnie’s direction —
SAM
(gruffly)
That boy’s gonna get in trouble …Skating all over town. You mark my words.
BETH
He’s a good kid. A Mom can’t help but worry.
SAM
Just saying, there’s a lot to get into.
Beth turns to Sam.
BETH
Experience Sam?
Beth chuckles and finishes wiping the table. Sam moves the BUSING TRAY to the next table. Beth turns back to watch her son skate out of sight.
EXT. CITY SIDEWALK – DAY
With upbeat b.g. party music, Sandy haired, all American boy, Ronnie, High School Junior, an intelligent kind person, skates down the City sidewalk with ambition on his mind.
From Ronnie POV – a busy street, traffic sounds of horns, siren. Ronnie notices all the BLACK SEDANS in the traffic. As Ronnie watches the black sedans, he gets a feeling of dread.
RONNIE
Like a taxi service of black sedans. Laughs. Wicked?
His attention turns to–
“HELP WANTED SIGN,” slows his skateboard down and carves into a stop at NATIONAL BANK BUILDING.
Sign reads: DONLYN AND DONLYN LAW FIRM, “Courier needed must have wheels.” Ronnie mutters to himself.
RONNIE (CONT’D)
Car, Bicycle… Skateboard?
Ronnie continues down the street on his way to the City Skate Park to meet friends —
EXT. GREENFIELD HOME – DAY
Decides to make a stop at Ed and Shirley Greenfield’s house. Mr. Greenfield comes out on the porch. A German Shepard leaps out of the house behind him. As the Shepard lopes toward Ronnie, Ronnie excitedly races to the dog and they roll around in the yard As Mr. Greenfield laughs at them.
MR. GREENFIELD
Hey Ronnie, you the man, nice job on the yard yesterday. Shirley baked an apple pie this morning. Come on in.
RONNIE
Yes Sir.
Ronnie places his board on the porch and enters behind Mr. Greenfield. The Shepard scats in behind them. His tail wagging heartily.
INT. GREENFIELD HOME – DAY
With aging weatherly hands, Mr. Greenfield sets out three shiny silver saucers. Mrs. Greenfield places her home made apple pie on the dishes. Ronnie takes the first bite.
RONNIE
This is delicious, Mrs. Greenfield.
MRS. GREENFIELD
Well, we appreciate all the yard work you do for us, Ronnie.
As Ronnie pushes his chair back, the Shepard nudges Ronnie’s leg. Ronnie rubs him on the head —
RONNIE
I’ll be over next Friday, Mr. Greenfield. Get an early start.
MR. GREENFIELD
Sounds good Ronnie looking forward to it.
Mrs. Greenfield nods.
EXT. GREENFIELD HOME – DAY
As Ronnie leaves the Greenfield’s home, Jody, his adorable girl friend, catches up to him and smiles, as he catches her hand, smiles back.
EXT. CITY SKATE PARK – DAY
Ronnie and Jody ride the walls, the energy and movements tell us they adore each other.
A Gothic dressed LUELLA 17, Jody’s girlfriend, skates up on her board and does turns on the wall.
Ronnie notices his shoe untied, skates over to a concrete bench to tie his shoe.
Jody continues riding the walls with Luella, as she watches Ronnie go.
A preppy dressed boy, STAN 17, skates over to Ronnie, with a heel drag stop at the bench.
STAN
Hey Ronnie, what’s up?
Stan removes a jerky stick from his shirt pocket and eats it while they talk.
RONNIE
You thought about getting a job, Stan?
STAN
(nonchalantly)
Mom and Pops are gone for the summer. Got to keep a watch on the place. Don’t need a job. Dad just–
Stan Chuckles.
RONNIE
–Writes a check?
Stan grins.
STAN
Yep.
Fuzzy black haired, CHARLIE LEWIS, a Sophomore, dedicated to his friends, especially Ronnie, rides up and carves in to the concrete bench, where Ronnie has his foot propped up.
RONNIE
You gettin’ a summer job Charlie?
CHARLIE
I’ve been workin’ at Frank’s.
STAN
That’s why we don’t see you around much. um?
CHARLIE
I need a second job.
RONNIE
Maybe Frank could give you extra stuff to do?
Charlie nods.
CHARLIE
I sure need it.
Ronnie gives him a shove on the shoulder and they laugh.
RONNIE
Guys… Saw a sign on the way here about a Courier? I wanta up my game.
CHARLIE
Don’t they need a car?
STAN
Bike would work.
RONNIE
Sign says wheels.
Stan and Charlie look at Ronnie’s skateboard. Then at each other. Then at Ronnie.
STAN
Cool, wheel and deal man.
The guys give each other a high five.
Jody rides over to the bench where they are talking as Stan and Charlie get back on the wall.
JODY
Like,what’s all the talk.
RONNIE
A job. I need a job.
JODY
Schools out what’s stopping you?
RONNIE
I don’t want just any job. I’d like it to be different than washing dishes at the Diner. Something I can learn from.
JODY
Gotcha. Any ideas.
RONNIE
Sit down a minute.
Jody sits on the bench.
RONNIE (CONT’D)
We get along good, right?
JODY
Except the times, I don’t know where you’re coming from.
RONNIE
I’m thinking of the future.
JODY
That’s a long way off. College?
Ronnie nods and with intense thought–
RONNIE
Anyway, there’s a courier job available… I’m thinking of trying to get.
JODY
Ronnie Hester you trying to tell me something?
RONNIE
Well yes… I think we should go steady… move forward together.
Ronnie looks around to see if his buddies are looking and sneaks a kiss.
RONNIE (CONT’D)
You want to be with me Jody?
JODY
You getting serious?
RONNIE
Ah man, I’m trying to tell you how I feel.
Jody smiles and takes his hands.
JODY
I feel the same Ronnie.
RONNIE
Want to go steady?
JODY
I thought we were?
Ronnie pulls out a tiny black box.
RONNIE
This makes it official.
JODY
Ronnie this is precious. Thank you.
She reaches up to him and kisses him. They hug.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. HILLTOP OVERLOOKING A NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
ROB BROADRICK AND GEORGE GOLDMAN scan area for building electric towers.
Rob points to where the lines will be placed and then, to the houses that will be torn down.
ROB BROADRICK
The line will run forty foot wide through this middle class subdivision. Houses in it’s path will be torn down.
GEORGE GOLDMAN
You mean, it goes right through the middle of the neighborhood.
ROB BROADRICK
We’ll give ’em good prices for the houses.
GEORGE GOLDMAN
Looks to me like the ones having to move get the best deal. That’s a little close for comfort on those electric towers.
ROB BROADRICK
They won’t have much to say about it. Got a commissioner in my pocket.
EXT. CITY SIDEWALK – DAY
Ronnie rides back up the street toward Sam’s Diner and passes the sign again. Drags to a slow. Looks at the sign again as–
RONNIE
Why not?
Ronnie carries his skateboard into the skyscraper to look for Donlyn and Donlyn Law Firm.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. 1600 BUILDING – GOLDMAN’S OFFICE – DAY
Close up on Door, GEORGE GOLDMAN, Financier.
INT. GOLDMAN’S OFFICE – DAY
GEORGE GOLDMAN, 50ish, black suit, strategizes with ROB BROADRICK, late 30’s, black suit, about getting a contract to build multiple ELECTRIC TRANSMISSION TOWERS.
Rob Broadrick smokes a cigarette as they discuss the cash to get the project started.
George Goldman, an A-type personality explains to potential client that a loan has an obstacle in the way.
GEORGE GOLDMAN
Rob. Ed Greenfield’s the only stumbling block to get in our way of Donlyn and Donlyn Associates to invest in your Project.
George nervously taps his fingers on the desk. As Rob stamps out a cigarette–
ROB BROADRICK
That old man, better not stand in our way.
My Company’s at stake. I’m hanging by a thread. George… got to have that loan.
Rob Broadrick stands. Hell your job’s at stake too. Get Ed Greenfield on board.
George stands with his agitation growing–
GEORGE GOLDMAN
We’ll have to yank the rug from under that old goat.
George picks up phone and holds the receiver.
GEORGE GOLDMAN (CONT’D)
(to Rob Broadrick)
We’ll get it done. Let’s talk to Jeff Donlyn. Let’s make sure Jeff’s on board. Old Ed won’t stop us. I’ll tell Jeff Donlyn we’re on our way.
INT. 1600 BUILDING – LOBBY – ELEVATOR – DAY
Ronnie walks toward the elevator.
People dressed in business attire rush out of the elevator. Ronnie rushes in and pushes 42nd Floor as others flood in behind him.
Elevator opens on 42nd Floor. Ronnie steps out into–
HALLWAY
Behind George Goldman and Rob Broadrick, who go into DONLYN LAW FIRM. Ronnie follows them.
DONLYN LAW OFFICE – FRONT OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
VICTORIA, mid-twenties, receptionist auburn hair with blonde highlights, looks up.
GEORGE GOLDMAN
Jeff’s, expecting us.
VICTORIA
Go on back.
The Black Suits go back to Mr. Donlyn’s office, and Victoria looks back down at her work.
Victoria looks back up to see Ronnie.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
Can I help you?
Ronnie approaches Victoria with a friendly smile.
RONNIE
I saw the sign for the Courier.
VICTORIA
Aren’t you a little young?
Victoria snickers.
RONNIE
Maybe. Just thought. Since I’m in the neighborhood I’d give it a shot. I’m Seventeen.
VICTORIA
It’s kinda a long shot, don’t you think? Well, we do need someone. You got wheels? A bike?
Ronnie looks down at his Skateboard.
RONNIE
A skateboard Ma’am. It’s faster.
Victoria smiles. Reaches for a FORM on shelf of her desk.
VICTORIA
Okay, fill out this form and don’t forget to put the next of Kin.
Victoria chuckles. Ronnie grins, fills in the form. She checks it.
VICTORIA (CONT’D)
This is small job take the ENVELOPE to this address and be sure to get the Form inside signed. Bring me the signed paper in the morning when you pick up at 9:00 sharp.
RONNIE
Yes Ma’am. Thank you, Ma’am.
Ronnie takes the envelope, puts it in his pocket, and backs
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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Pat Galbraith Specialty: Thriller
What I learned: The most important business decisions to be considered are:
Genre
Title – The Physic’s Crows
Concept – After the Sheriff doesn’t believe them, five misfit teens, who love skateboarding investigate the murder, when they learn it’s a fatherly mentor, to find the killer and recover three kidnapped friends.
Audience – All ages
Budget – $5 – $10 Million
Lead Characters – Ronnie a teen raised only by his Mom with aspirations of becoming a star skateboarder.
Friends: Charlie year younger than Ronnie. Lives in empty houses till he gets caught. Works at a local bar as janitor.
Stan lives alone most of the time while his parents travel the world. Jody, Ronnie girlfriend, also a skateboarder. And Jody’s girlfriend Carmilita. Her Physic Mom has just passed away.
Journey – Five Skateboarders learn that not all people are good
The one I would definitely work on is the budget!
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Pat GALBRAITH Galbraith.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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To: George, I’m running a little behind my e-mail was compromised so I’m trying to catch up. I would be delighted if I don’t hold you back. Maybe if there are three of us we can get on board.
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Pat Galbraith Specialty: Thrillers
What learned: Conventions must be followed in your genre to the best of your ability.
Title: Outfit
How it delivered on Genre Conventions:
PURPOSE: To show how a mere Cutter in a clothing shop could get out of dire situation.
ISOLATION: The setting for this movie was inside a Clothing shop. Lot of movie was in sepia color.
DEATH: Fear of death was used several times
MONSTER/VILLAIN: Villians were from a group called The Outfit.
HIGH TENSION: Dread and dispair when The Outfit overun the Clothing shop.
MORAL STATEMENT: Your wrongdoing behavior will catch up to you sooner or later.
OUTLINE
– Opening Images of a Clothing Shop. Narrated by Leonard Burling, the Cutter, about how to fit a suit to an individual man’s body and personality.
– An assistant, Mable Shaun, who he sees as his own daughter.
– However, there is a hidden side to the business. the clothing shop is outfitted with a small letter box used by gang leaders to contact each other with business dealings.
– Leonard has become weary about their dealings but doesn’t show it. So has Mable.
– Leonard suspects that Mable is getting romantically involved with the Bosses son, Richie.
– A package arrives in the letter box containing a tape that there is a rat inside the Outfit.
-Francis and Richie enter the shop on late night. Richie has been shot by their rival gang, The LaFontaines. They carry a suitcase with the cassette tape. Francis forces Leonard to sew Richie. Richie bounces back.
-Francis informs Leonard that the FBI had planned a bug inside one of their safe houses to record their plans. Francis leaves to get a cassette player leaving Leonard to protect Richie and the tape.
-Leonard realizes that Richie Suspects Francis of being the Rat. Leonard reminds Richie that Francis is not part of the family.
– Francis returns with the cassette player and looks inside the case for the tape. The tape is missing. He confronts Richie. The two get into a heated argument Richie shoots at Francis and misses. Francis fires mortally wounding Richie.
_Francis and Leonard place Richie’s body in a box just before
-Roy Boyles head of the Outfit returns with two other gang members and wants to know where Richie is. Francis tells him Richie’s gone and he took the tape with him.
-A telephone call comes in an Leonard uses his chance to convince Boyle that Richie is fine and just needs to be picked up at a certain street address. Francis stays behind to watch Leonard and Mable.
-Leonard manipulates Francis to turn against Boyle and be the boss. Mable confesses she is the Rat. And their rival gang will pay big money for the tape. Leonard reveals that he has sewn the tape inside Richie’s coat.
-Francis hides in a closet, while the rival gang arrives with the money. Francis pretends they haven’t brought any money and with hand signals tell the rival where Francis hides. They get into position pointing their guns at Francis.
-Francis runs into the room pointing his gun but the rivals shoot Francis dead.
-After the rivals leave. Mable takes the money and leaves to go travel. Leonard sets his shop on fire and leaves for places unknown.
a
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I enjoy writing drama, action, thrillers.
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Two or Three Steps I’ll Take in the Next 30 Days to Increase My Credibility:
1. I have not submitted any screenplay to a contest.
2. I continue to work on two scripts I have.
3. I have not yet googled anything yet.
4. I’ have a Linkedin account but it needs work.
5. I have an IMDB page but it needs work.
6 I don’t have any credibility as an establish screenwriter, but after a few sessions I know that will all change by the end of the program.
Credibility Checklist:
I will seek out a networking group.
I will seek out producers to introduce myself.
I will do whatever it takes to secure my writing assignments.
Pat
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The two projects I’m bringing to the class are:
1. Idea: Daddy’s Girl
When her beloved Father, a country music singer is killed in his hometown, she investigates
why someone would kill him and learns family secrets.
Budget: 1-$5Million (I’m guessing here because I know nothing about budgets!)
2. Finished: Title: The Black Crow
When local police do not believe them, a crew of misfit skateboarders decide to investigate the mysterious death of a mentor.
Budget: $1-5 million (Again, I’m totally guessing.)
What I learned:
I learned that it’s possible to get paid writing assignments for films.
Pat Galbraith
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Pat Galbraith
I agree to the terms of this Release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class Pat Galbraith
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Hello
Name: Pat Galbraith
I’m from Chattanooga Tennessee.
Scripts written: 10
What I hope to get out of the class: Become more comfortable working with producers and get paid writing assignments.
I write Drama thrillers.
Look forward to working with everyone.
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Hi Brian, just saw this. I would be happy to exchange my outline with you. If you are still interested. pgalbraith@epbfi.com Send it on over and I send mine.
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George I sent you a message on you r messages. So we can talk.
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Hi George,
My email: pgalbraith@epbfi.com
Can you send me Assignment 5 I haven’t received just trying to follow what everyone else is doing. Thanks Pat
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High George did you receive assignment 5. I just tried to follow what everyone else did. But if you got it, can you e-mail: pgalbraith@epbfi.com . Thanks George. I hope they sent a template for reading the samples too.