[Patricia Snyder]

PATTI’S CHARACTER PROFILES

What I learned doing this assignment is that your character has to be a real person, not some one dimensional cliche.

LOGLINE: A Harvard biologist returns to her roots when she inherits a house in unhinged Key West and discovers mystery, murder, magic, and mayhem are part of her inheritance. As a deadly hurricane turns towards the island chain, she must come to grips with the past and future, both as dangerous as the coming storm.

1. Character Name: Rose Kelly

Role in the Story: Scientist, daughter, sister

Core Character Traits:

Independent Loner

Witty

Abrasive

Stubborn

Character Subtext Logline: Rose needs bucks to continue her research and sees the house she inherited as the way to get them.

Flaw: Rose was raised to coldly approach any mystery with a scientific mind, so she doesn’t believe in anything intangible. Also, she sometimes doesn’t think before blurting out something rude, and pretty much doesn’t care.

Want: A loving family. Need: Supportive friends.

Character Improvement: Character arc has Rose becoming less independent and more reliant upon her friends, and discovering that friends can be better than family.

2. Character Name: Miller “Hotdog” Robinson

Role in the Story: Childhood best friend to Rose and Mitsu. Bartender, frustrated writer.

Core Character Traits:

Ladies’ Man

Handsome and Gregarious

Big-hearted, giving

Sincere

Character Subtext Logline: Bartender by day, frustrated writer by night, searching for words and love.

Wants: Everyone to get along as one big happy family. Needs: Searching for love, from his mother and others.

Character Improvement: Miller finds that good looks and charm aren’t enough to win the woman he wants, and this realization breaks the writer’s block he has been experiencing.

3. Character Name: Mitsu Beaudreux

Role in the Story: Childhood best friend to Rose and Miller. Florist who secretly dabbles in Voodoo.

Core Character Traits:

Generous

Secretive

Intelligent

Insightful

Character Subtext Logline: Doesn’t always want the mystic gifts she was born with.

Secret: Doesn’t want others to know of her Voodoo heritage, thinks of it as a curse not a gift.

Character Improvement: Sometimes you have to go with what you know is right, even if others won’t understand, so Mitsu will finally embrace her Voodoo heritage.

4. Character Name: Stuart McCoy

Role in the Story: An attorney and Rose’s distant cousin who would do ANYTHING to get his hands on the treasure he believes is hidden in Rose’s house.

Core Character Traits:

Rude

Self-centered

Sneaky

Greedy

Character Subtext Logline: The man everyone loves to hate, but wins cases for his clients. Doesn’t appear to have any redeeming qualities.

Secret: wants to be loved and accepted instead of despised.

Character Improvement: Well, maybe he’s not ALL bad….

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Patricia Snyder.

[Patricia Snyder]

Day 2, Assignment 1

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that I had no real idea of the structure of my pilot episode, and that I needed to revise the storyline to move the action along pursuant to an established structural outline.

Subject: Patti’s Basic Structure Version 1

Life on the Rock hour-long television pilot

Logline: A Harvard biologist returns to her roots when she inherits a house in unhinged Key West and discovers mystery, murder, magic, and mayhem are part of her inheritance. As a deadly hurricane turns towards the island chain, she must come to grips with the past and future, both as dangerous as the coming storm.

Main Conflict: Rose inherits a house and then survives attempts on her life while she renovates it for sale.

1. Opening: Scene from the past – Three children on a beach see a strange vision of a pirate ship enshrouded in mists and clouds. . Present day – Havard biologist Rose Kelly learns she’s inherited her great-aunt’s beachfront house in Key West.

2. Act 1 (Inciting Incident): Rose travels to Key West to list the house, witnesses a wacky world completely different from Boston, then arrives to find the house is dilapidated and can’t be sold right away.

3. By page 10, you know what the story is about – Rose, frustrated at the conditions of the house, reconnects with childhood friends Miller and Mitsu, the two friends who also witnessed the mysterious vision of a pirate ship decades before. They try to talk Rose into staying in Key West.

Revised point: <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Rose, frustrated at the conditions of the house, reconnects with childhood friends Miller and Mitsu, the two friends who also witnessed the mysterious vision of a pirate ship decades before. They try to talk Rose into staying in Key West but she adamantly refuses.<i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> Rose’s distant cousin, Stuart, tries to get Rose to put him in charge of selling the house so she can return to Boston.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Rose decides to stay in Key West to renovate the house in order to sell it to fund her research.

5. Act 2 – The 3 friends catch up on “life after the vision” and Rose becomes the victim of several accidents. The three finally realize the “accidents” have a purpose – to scare Rose into leaving the Keys.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – hurricane warnings are sounded as Rose tries to determine who is trying to kill her, and why.

7. Crisis – Act 3 – Rose doesn’t know who she can trust as she, Miller, and Mitsu are trapped by the approaching storm.

8. Action to resolve Crisis – Act 4 – The three friends survive the storm and capture the bad guy.

9. Resolution – Act 5 – Rose accidentally discovers a secret room containing, among other items, a pirates chest.

End of Episode One

[Patricia Snyder]

ASSIGNMENT 1

———————–

Patti Snyder

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that there must be a clear logline and story synopsis, with no extraneous detail. Rewritten to try to accomplish that!

Subject: Patti’s Life On The Rock Pilot Logline and One Page

Logline: A Harvard biologist returns to her roots when she inherits a house in unhinged Key West and discovers mystery, murder, magic, and mayhem are part of her inheritance. As a deadly hurricane turns towards the island chain, she must come to grips with the past and future, both as dangerous as the coming storm.

OR:

A biologist inherits a house in Key West and encounters mystery, murder, magic, mayhem, and a killer hurricane as she fights to keep it.

One Page: Rose Kelly, an acerbic, self-reliant Harvard ant scientist, learns that she has inherited her great-aunt’s beachfront home in Key West, a place Rose thought she had left far behind. Facing the loss of a major grant funding her research into a cure for brain cancer found in ants, she decides to return to Key West to sell the house for money she may need to continue her work. With a scruffy mutt stowaway, she arrives to find the once grand house is now dilapidated, ruining her plans for a quick sale for big bucks. Rose extends her intended brief stay in order to complete repairs and list the house. She reconnects with her childhood best friends, frustrated writer/bartender Miller and Voodoo practitioner/avant-garde florist Mitsu, with whom she shared a mysterious vision decades before. The three begin to pick up the strings of friendship.

A sleazy Key West attorney, Stuart McCoy, receives information from his dying great-aunt (a sister to Rose’s great-aunt) that the house is somehow connected to an ancient lost treasure. He conspires to steal the house from Rose. A string of potentially deadly accidents and incidents begin to happen to Rose, as she learns that the past history of her family involves pirates, prostitutes, and hidden treasure. Rose begins to trust and rely more and more on her two old friends – but could one or both of them in league with her evil cousin? Handsome Miller, the life of the party with a string of broken hearts in his wake, seems to want to worm his way into Rose’s affections, but is he attracted to her or to the rumored treasure? And Rose wonders if Mitsu’s dabbling with poisonous native plants has a dark purpose. Rose begins to second guess her trust in her friends and is plagued by nightmarish visions of a distant past.

As Rose becomes more and more distraught, her confidence in her ability to cope with any situation disintegrating, warnings of a major hurricane begin to be issued, and Rose makes plans to evacuate to the mainland with Mitsu and Miller. Another accident which could be an attempt on Rose’s life strands the three in the house as the category 5 hurricane bears down on Key West, and Rose wonders if one or both of her friends are potential killers.

All three survive the hurricane by acting as a team, and trust finally wins out. But in the aftermath of the storm, when everyone thinks the danger is over, Rose is again attacked, and again saved by her friends. Stuart McCoy is finally revealed as the one behind the attacks and hauled off in handcuffs. As Rose and friends finally relax, they discover a secret room in the house, with clues to the hidden treasure.

TO BE CONTINUED!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Patricia Snyder. Reason: Paring down the logline to its 3 essential parts
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Patricia Snyder. Reason: Logline and One Page revised per critique by partner

[Patricia Snyder]

Hi all! I’m Patti Snyder and, like several others, I am retired and feeding my creative juices after 30 years practicing law. I’m on the 2nd draft of my first screenplay and after sitting in on a few free classes of Hal’s, decided that this Professional Rewrite class has the potential to move my TV dramedy pilot forward. I’ve done freelance proofreading and editing work and that led to getting a job writing real estate ad copy, the first time I’ve ever received renumeration for my creative writing! I’ve been lucky to live on a tropical island in the Florida Keys (and yes, Florida Man is a real thing!), and have a lifetime of material to exploit from my residency.

I’m really looking forward to this class and working with everyone.

[Patricia Snyder]

Patti Snyder –

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Patricia Snyder]

David, thanks for the in-depth critique. Life in the islands (just about any island in the tropics) is referred to as being on the “rock.” Island life can be pretty limiting as you see the same people and places all the time. If you’re familiar with Kenny Chesney’s song “Life on a Rock” that pretty well describes it. The tv series genre is “dramedy” – a combination of ”fish out of water” comedy and drama, with each season taking the characters into a darker direction, sort of like the Harry Potter movie progression.

I had a really hard time zeroing in on the plot points as I’m rewriting the story as I go, but I feel the story is becoming clearer. Here’s a revision based on your very helpful comments:

2. Act 1 (Inciting Incident) – Rose, very sure that she can sell the house to raise money needed for her zombie ant research relating to glioblastoma carcinoma, leaves snowy Boston and arrives in sunny Key West to discover the beautiful house she remembers from childhood has become a dilapidated money pit. Meanwhile, her distant cousin Stuart McCoy, a sleazy lawyer in Key West, learns from his dying Great-aunt Betty that some sort of treasure is hidden in the house owned by Betty’s sister Helga, Rose’s late great-aunt. On her deathbed, Betty gives Stuart a partial gold coin from the stash of treasure.

3. By Page 10, you know what the story is about – Rose, depressed and frustrated over the condition of the house, reconnects with her friends Mitsu and Miller, the two friends who also witnessed the mysterious pirate ship decades before. Rose is ready to sell the house for whatever she can get and return to staid Boston, but her friends try to talk her into staying long enough to get repairs started, arguing that the expense of renovations will be worthwhile in the long run. Stuart McCoy, on the other hand, wants Rose to sell out immediately to him so that he can search for the treasure hidden somewhere on the property.

4. First turning point at the end of Act 1 – When Rose refuses to sell, strange incidents begin to happen to her. Someone tries to break into her house. With it seeming that someone is trying to run her off, she becomes angry and decides to stay until the renovations are completed.

5. Act 2 – Numerous characters are introduced as they welcome Rose to the neighborhood: the older nudist couple next door, a drag queen, aRastafarian accountant, a charter boat captain, and more. Rose deals with incompetent contractors as she expects things to happen on schedule, rather than on island time.

6. Second turning point at the end of Act 2 – “accidents” happen to Rose as a hurricane appears to be headed to the Keys.

7. Crisis – Act 3 – As the only road out of the islands is shut down down unexpectedly due to the hurricane bearing down with increased speed, Rose is trapped with Miller and Mitsu and someone who may be trying to kill her.

8. Action to Resolve Crisis – Act 4 – as the eye of the hurricane passes over Key West, Rose and friends capture the hitman and wait for the storm to pass and for the authorities to arrive.

9. Resolution – Act 5 – As Rose cleans up from the storm surge, she accidentally discovers a hidden room with what appears to be a treasure chest. Joined by her two best friends, she tries to open it and the three are seemingly swept into a time warp to the days of buccaneers and sailing ships.

END OF EPISODE ONE

[Patricia Snyder]

Hi David – I keep going back and reading the instructions for the assignment, trying to make sure I’m clear on them, and for the One Page they are “Present your current story in one page, giving us an overview of <font face=”inherit”>the story, not the details.” For a writer, I think this is one of the more difficult steps, because we always want to include all the rich details that make the story come to life. That said, I’m thinking that you’ve </font>probably<font face=”inherit”> gone into an abundance of detail in the One Page, rather than the broad strokes of the concept. I’ll send an email with my suggestions for your consideration. </font>

<font face=”inherit”>Patti</font>

[Patricia Snyder]

David – your story concept really grabbed my attention and your Logline appears to accurately reflects the story. My suggestions to sharpen up the Logline are as follows: “A bullied teenager must solve the mystery of a(n inherited?) treasure map in order to save his family from murder at the hands of a cult of religious psychopaths descended from the Spanish Inquisition.”

Patti

[Patricia Snyder]

I think “Spanish Inquisition” is a real attention grabber, and it differentiates this cult from all the run-of-the-mill religious cults, without the need for any explanations.

[Patricia Snyder]

David, thank you for the concise critique. There’s got to be a better way to communicate than this, as it doesn’t lend itself to editing very well. To address your comments: (1) I cut the # of adjectives; (2) added discipline; (3) yes, Key West plays a role as this is a variation on the fish out of water theme; (4) yep, she is getting grants but is in danger of losing her largest one due to funding drying up (I didn’t feel this detail needs to be in the longline); (5) re: “magic and mayhem” in the One Page – I mentioned the Voodoo and dangerous accidents but need to tweak the OP to bring these out more; and (6) for some reason my longline just kept getting longer! I’ve pared down to two sentences – thoughts? I’ve got a busy morning today, but will get back to the assignment this afternoon.

I’ve tweaked the Logline as follows:

Logline: A straitlaced Harvard biologist returns to her roots when she inherits a house in unhinged Key West and discovers mystery, murder, magic, and mayhem are part of her inheritance. As a deadly hurricane turns towards the island chain, she must come to grips with the past and future, both as dangerous as the coming storm.

[Patricia Snyder]

David, I thought I replied, but I’m not seeing it show up, so with an abundance of caution I’ll reply again – yes, thanks, I’d be happy to partner up with you. Patti

[Patricia Snyder]

David, many thanks for reaching out! I appreciate your offer but I’m afraid that you may be many, many levels above me in this process. That said, if that doesn’t deter you, I’d be happy to!

Patti