[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Feedback for Pat Galbraith’s Outline Version 1

I think you’ve done a great job of creating a concept that delivers!

– Your hero is highly-skilled and you’ve given her a motivation that clearly demands action.

– It’s very clear from your outline what propels her. And I really like that you are going beyond the legend of Belle with those motivations.

– With each confrontation with the renegades, you have built a great opportunity for escalating action.

– You’ve built in powerful justifications for action, not only with the neighbors but with her brother’s death — and it sets up that final confrontation.

– The action sequences give you a lot of options — you clearly have chase/pursuit, shootouts, escapes, dangerous situations, and even a rescue.

– I like that you twist expectations and have Brice’s family survive. Is Brice an entirely original character, or is he also based in the history? If he’s original, and he has surviving family members, it might end up being a good set-up for sequel (or television series).

Questions—

— Is Henry Brice your antagonist throughout? I know that the renegades are set up as the villains (and their actions are clear and motivated), but I’m curious to hear if Brice is your main villain as soon as the raids begin. If so, maybe include Brice earlier in the outline, so we can get a fuller sense of his track.

— Similarly, are we seeing a relationship between Belle and Reed before Act III? He’s going to be a powerful ally, and he’s critical to the resolution. I’m just curious if we see him earlier as one of her brother’s friends. Is his motivation to help her or does he want to avenge his friend (or both)?

Overall, this is a really interesting, action-filled concept. Shock, suspense, and danger are well-sprinkled throughout the outline already. You’ve definitely created a need for action, and you potentially are revealing hidden elements of a person who we only know as a legend.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Action Outline 1

Title: Deadly Freeze

Logline: During a Polar Vortex, a federal prison loses electricity, leaving the prisoners in the Protective Custody Unit in a deadly freeze, prompting a survivalist with one week left on his sentence to lead a daring prison break to save the abandoned inmates’ lives.

Note: This is just the major action points of the script. There are relationship and character emotion building moments, as well. Here are the character profiles to give you some backstory and fill in some blanks (you can skip it, if it isn’t useful to you). Yep, I’m over-explaining. 🙂

Lead Character: Donovan (aka The Broker)

Protagonist is a 40-something survivalist and loner who is jokingly referred to as The Broker. Everyone in the prison has a different story as to why, but only one of the guards knows the true story (and he taunts Donovan with it whenever possible).

Donovan is a silent observer – someone who calculates the advantage of interaction and is always looking for the threats against him. He is cunning, capable, and suspicious. He has the grudging respect of some of the other inmates in the Protective Custody Unit – all for different reasons. Is he dangerous? He’s unnervingly still. When he speaks, people listen, and they don’t know why.

He’s not an overwhelming physical presence. But his ability to calculate risk means that he is often right. He’s a little spooky and that has earned him some credibility. He doesn’t get involved without reason. Ever.

Superficially, he’s a man doing his time and counting the hours until he leaves the prison. But where is he going? Back to the woods where he spent the last decade? Home is a concept long gone for him. The physical house sold to pay restitution would only have been a reminder of the younger brother who killed himself there after getting caught in a scheme that ultimately landed Donovan in prison.

Guilt drives him. And we see this in his relationships with the young agent in the opening, the kid in SEG, and Brian.

He knows that the polar vortex is coming. But when he is offered a chance to be evacuated, he hesitates. He is the only with the survival skills to help the men who are being left behind.

Lead Character 2: Brian

Brian is a naïve, young guard who is frightened of the inmates and eager to please. Because he is easily physically and psychologically intimated he’s likely to pull a gun or call for a lockdown because he knows that he can’t win in a hand-to-hand fight. He has been at the prison for less than a month when the polar vortex arrives.

His father was former military, but Brian washed out of the marines. He has a sense of duty, and he wants to serve and distinguish himself. He’s desperate for approval, and he looks for it from other guards, warden and even some of the more formidable inmates.

His desire to please makes him susceptible to influence from those in authority who do not have his interests at heart. He starts off blind, and it leads him down a dangerous path. But while he comes off as a “yes man,” he has a deeply moral center. He knows what the right thing is, and eventually chooses that path, even though he may not survive it.

Antagonist:

Randall Sykes is a 50-something, by-the-book head guard who is corporate’s favorite inside man. He was set to retire early but the pension fund was decimated in a Ponzi scheme, and his days at the for-profit prison are just going to get longer. And he’s bitter.

This is not a mustache-twirling bad guy. He believes in what he does. He’s not entirely without heart, but he sees himself as the only defense an innocent public has. He also knows that unless he keeps corporate happy, his own livelihood is at risk. Why should he risk his way of life for people who didn’t play by the rules?

Sykes knows Donovan’s actual story. And he knows that Donovan’s brother killed himself because of it. But rather than spreading the story among the inmates, he holds it. He likes feeling like he has some power over someone who worked in an industry that he blames for all the shit that has gone wrong in his life. And Sykes resents that Donovan has the grudging respect of most of the inmates, when he has to kiss corporate’s ass just to get overtime covered. He’s certainly not going to take Donovan’s advice – even if he secretly worries that Donovan is right.

Action Outline:

Opening

A crunch of snow underfoot. A crack of twigs. Eyes peering out from a survivalist dugout in the woods. Agents swarming the camp after a tip-off. Agent falls into the dug-out, the man (Donovan) hiding there runs through a warren of self-dug caves, into the forest — desperate not to be captured. A young agent is on his heels. Donovan evades him, until the agent follows him to a river. Donovan gets the drop on him — they struggle. The young agent thinks he has him beat, but finds himself looking up at Donovan with a hatchet in his hand. All seems lost for the young agent, but when Donovan can kill, he stops. The fury drains out of him. He drops the hatchet, gets to his knees, and waits to be arrested. (scene in class 11 and 12)

[Time Jump]

Inciting Incident

The storm is only 12 hours away. Warden of the for-profit prison is faced with evacuating as many prisoners as possible to other, safer prisons, at a price. Rather than removing everyone, the head guard (our villain Sykes) convinces her to leave the men of the protective custody unit and SEG behind — saving the prison $3 million in fines and further punishing our hero (who only had days left on his sentence).

Panic sets into the yard, as rumors of who is being left behind swirl. A kid awaiting trial gets into a fight with one of the jittery inmates. Brian, an inexperienced guard, grabs for his gun and accidentally shoots one of the older inmates. The yard is put into lockdown. The kid is taken to SEG. The older inmate is removed from PCU and taken to the hospital. But all eyes turn to Brian, who is riddled with guilt. Only Donovan (our hero) finds a way to calm those who want to go after him. There is no mistaking the tension.

First Turning Point at end of Act 1

The warden is ordered to get all prisoners with less than a week on their sentences onto the buses for an early release by the Governor. Sykes is pissed, and he taunts Donovan. It’s the last bus out. Sykes will ride the steps. And while Donovan could be free, he chooses not to get on the bus. He warns Sykes not to take the bus out — that it is too late. But Sykes refuses to listen.

Donovan returns to PCU with Brian, who has been chosen to stay behind to guard those abandoned there. Decision made, Donovan tries to ready those who will remain for the storm. But they are woefully short on supplies and time.

Mid-Point

The storm arrives and the power goes out. Pipes burst, sending flooding and freezing water down the shafts and throughout the building. Windows begin blowing out. Any movement could risk electrocution, but staying risks freezing to death. Logically, they could overpower Brian, take their revenge for the shooting, and escape the prison tower. But go where? Into the storm? Is any shelter better than being outside and free?

We cut to the last bus of prisoners feeling in the storm. Tornadic-force winds, ice, and snow descend. The engine stalls. The driver repeatedly tries to get the engine started again and panic takes hold. Sykes braves the storm to fix the engine battery cable despite the For a second, a moment of victory. Hope that they can keep moving.

But a spark sets off an explosion in the engine, and flames burst into the bus. Sykes is blown out the doors. the inmates are chained to the seats. The men in the front are incinerated, but the men in back work together to try to free themselves as the windows burst around them and the fire drills toward them (scene is in class 15)

Sykes regains consciousness. He makes a move to try to open the emergency door of the bus to save the chained men who might still be alive. But the door won’t open. Metal shards and glass from the bus are flying. It’s too late. A scorched Sykes is left in agony. Just as he is about to succumb, grim determination sets in. He turns back to the prison and Donovan.

Second Turning Point at end of Act 2

Decision made to leave the unit and move to another floor, but the building is crumbling and water/ice shards cascade down an already faulty elevator shaft. At the ledge, they hear screams from below — SEG is being flooded, and a young inmate, who our hero tried to take under his wing earlier, is in SEG. A mission is hatched for our hero and another inmate to go try to save the kid.

Crisis

The building continues to take the brunt of the storm. It shudders and quakes. Crashing sounds and bending steel foreshadow the destruction of a staircase, just as the hero and his cohorts make it to SEG. But it’s too late. Everyone in SEG, including the kid are dead — either from drowning or hypothermia, as the water turned to ice.

Defeated, Donovan tries to lead the men back upstairs to rejoin the group. But the stairs we saw earlier have pancaked. Their only choice is to climb the elevator shaft. But the ladder rungs are made of steel — which have become brittle as the deadly freeze moved in. They struggle to climb the ladder — losing skin on their hands to frostbite in the process. Donovan clears the way. He’s ready to help Rodriguez up. A cascade of ice plunges toward him. His left hand shatters. His feet slip as the metal rung below him cracks. He spins and smashes into the metal rail. Donovan reaches down to grab him, but Rodriguez grabs the ladder. They breathe a sigh of relief that he’s safe. CRASH! A massive ice sheet violently plunges past the open shaft, slicing into Rodriguez, sweeping his already lifeless body down the elevator shaft and onto the stalled car below.

Regrouping

The men regroup. They know they can’t go down again, and the building continues to shift ominously. They make a plan to go one level up to the guard/bridge level.

Crisis

Donovan leads the men to the next level’s security door. Hero uses his unique skills to get the manual lock to trigger and open, but the system is fried and sparking. Someone will have to hold the door open, in order for people to get out and then try to escape before it closes. Jackson volunteers, knowing that Donovan is their only hope for escape, and that many of the other men have a chance at a new life on the outside. He’s a lifer — this is his shot at redemption. The men get past the door, but Jackson is electrocuted as the generator rebounds.

The remaining men, including our hero, make it to the guard level, only to find a hellscape. Electrical has sparked a fire, and the windows had already blown out in the storm. Fire and ice combine. There is no relief here. There is only one choice — Donovan tells them that they’ll have to climb out the window in a raging storm as the building continues to fall — using what they can find in the lockers to control their descent. But first, they have to get across the fire into the frozen control room. Not great odds, but the only shot they have to live.

Climax

The inmates go out what is left of the window to scale down the building in the height of the storm. But Sykes made it across the bridge and onto the guard level. There’s a standoff between Donovan and Sykes. Donovan is stalling in hopes that the men get to safety. Villain shoots at Donovan, but the young guard pushes him out of the way and takes the bullet. Donovan tries to talk Sykes out of doing anymore damage. Tells him that he can help him. That they can all walk away from this. But Sykes is beyond listening and raises the gun again. Not knowing that the bullet that hit the young guard, also splintered one of the last standing supports for the ceiling. As Sykes fires, the ceiling comes down on him and kills him.

Resolution

Donovan takes Brian down the building — when it looks like there is no way that they’ll get to shelter fast enough to survive, they are met by the surviving men who have managed to start one of the prison vehicles. They escape together into the prison garage, which is miraculously still standing.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Fast formatting!

What I learned doing this assignment is that formatting plans a critical role in getting the energy of an action scene across to an audience. I can feel something when I’m writing it, but I haven’t had the tools to move my vision onto the page. I can already tell that I’m going to come back to these techniques and suggested sounds and images again and again.

INT. PRISON BUS – OFF-COURSE IN A BARREN FIELD – DARKENING TWILIGHT – CONTINUOUS

Sykes still fuming after his encounter with Donovan, looks back at the nearly full bus of inmates with barely contained contempt — breathing ragged, but slowing.

The inmates are silent …

…the storm is not.

EXT. BARREN FIELD – CONTINUOUS

Tornadic-force winds race over the open field sending ice into the windshield. Blackened clouds sap what little light was left from the day. Only the tiny beams of weak light from the bus headlights pierce the darkness…

… snow pummels the exterior

… tires slip and squeal

… the beast of a bus slips and turns

Donovan was right — it was too late.

The polar vortex has arrived!

INT. PRISON BUS – CONTINUOUS

DRIVER

Damn it!

SYKES

Can’t you keep this fucking thing straight?

DRIVER

You wanna try?

Driver frantically wipes at the windshield… desperate to see as the wipers struggle.

CRASH!

Thunder descends. A bolt of lightning slices through the sky — so close the bus sizzles for a split second.

Inmate #1

Was that fucking lightning?

Inmate #2

This is bullshit, man. What kind of —

SYKES

[snarls)

Want to go back?

(off their silence)

Then shut the fuck up.

Nobody is fooled. Sykes is panicked.

The driver drops the bus into second gear — desperate to get traction.

… useless

… the frame shakes

DRIVER

Come on!

… a sickening sputtering from the engine

… the groaning intensifies — the engine dies

They lose everything — No movement. No light. No heat.

Slamming the door with his fists —

SYKES

Fuck!

Ice spreads like a virus across the windows. They have minutes at most before the deadly freeze takes them.

The driver pumps to restart the vehicle…

…the engine rattles — barely heard above the roar of the wind

Sykes grabs the door lever and dives into the snow.

EXT. BUS – BARREN FIELD – CONTINUOUS

Sykes bangs on the hood — frantically pries it open. Seconds count.

He spies the problem — loosened battery cable. Attaches the cable. Slams the hood — Raising his fluid soaked hand to the driver.

Sykes slogs through mid-thigh snow back to the door…

… the driver hits the starter

INT. PRISON BUS – CONTINUOUS

Sykes pulls himself onto the stairs — grabbing the doors.

The engine catches.

Cheers erupt.

Sykes allows himself to send a small grin to the driver.

BOOM!! WHOOSH!

A fireball blasts through the cabin instantly engulfing the driver and blowing Sykes out the doors.

SCREAMS!

… cries of agony rise above the storm — The inmates are chained to the seats!

… the men in front are lost — burning

… windows cracking

… fire drills down the aisle

… scorching limbs

… skin peeling

Men in the back work together in desperation to break the chains — as the flames lick inches away.

EXT. BUS – CONTINUOUS

Sykes, face blackened by the explosion, regains consciousness to a gruesome symphony of screams, metal groans, and the shriek of the derecho.

He staggers to the emergency door — it doesn’t budge.

Men are howling out the shattered windows — begging for help.

Sykes pounds on the metal.

The door is welded shut.

… pounding, pounding, pounding

The screams have stopped.

Sykes looks to the blasted windows — faces twisted in final agony look back.

All that remains is the wind and the snapping of metal.

Sykes falls to his knees. This is how it ends for him.

… his body starts to succumb to frostbite

… he sees his breath above him

He turns his head to the prison in the distance.

SYKES

(pushing back the brain fog)

No.

Impossibly, he rises…

… pulling his clothing to protect his bleeding, exposed skin

… setting his determined glare on the prison. Donovan.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Great Action Set Piece!

What I learned during this assignment is that with the proper setup, pre-action, etc, I don’t have to be so on-the-nose about the meaning. The audience will get it. Also, there is something fitting about working on this project during a once in a century storm in Southern California. 🙂

Build in the Meaning:

SETUP: Even though Donovan has tried to warn them off, Sykes leads the last bus out of the prison before the historic storm arrives. Sykes taunts Donovan — makes it clear that people like Donovan are the reason he is stuck working in the prison for the rest of his life. Donovan turns down a chance to be on the bus out in order to help the people left behind.

PRE-ACTION: Handcuffed to the bus seats, the inmates are evacuated as the storm approaches the barren fields that surround the prison. Sykes is riding shotgun (literally), while the driver nervously tries to find a way to keep the windshield clear of the pounding snow.

ACTION: The bus stalls. The driver tries continually tries the starter. For a second, it seems to catch. Just as hope settles in over the inmates, an explosion rips through the engine, killing the driver instantly and setting the front section of the bus on fire. Sykes is blown out the doors into the storm.

POST-ACTION: Sykes tries to open the emergency door, but it’s too late. As the windows blow out, the oxygen fans the flames and draws the fire over the back of the bus creating an inferno that engulfs the chained inmates. Sykes is burned and momentarily defeated — almost resigned, but then he rises, and turns back toward the prison.

MEANING: Sykes knows that the accident is, at least in part, his fault. But it also reinforces his belief that Donovan (and people like him) are responsible for everything bad that has happened to Sykes. And he’s going to make sure that Donovan pays.

Make the Action Unique:

Environment taken to an extreme: A catastrophic storm, in the middle of nowhere

Villain going opposite: Just when it seems that the villain was defeated, he rises again, and turns back to confront our hero.

Shocking: An explosion just as it seemed that the bus was going to start again and that they would all survive.

Mission: The mission shifts from getting these inmates to the next prison to Sykes returning to the prison to go after Donovan. Sykes has nothing left.

9 Action Emotions:

Anxiety: The weather is closing in. Donovan warned Sykes it was too late to leave, and the other inmates heard the warning. Visibility is nearly gone only a half a mile from the prison walls.

Fear: Fear grows when the bus stalls.

Relief: When the bus appears to start up again

Danger/Shock: As the first explosion rips through the front of the bus

Adrenaline: As the inmates scream to get off the bus, and Sykes as he tries to open the welded emergency door.

Add in More Twists

Safety — Danger: Inmates are being “rescued” from the storm by being transferred to another prison, only to be stuck in the snow.

It Just Got Better — It Just Got Worse: The bus engine’s seems to start, but then the explosion rips through the bus.

Unexpected Support — New Threat: Sykes does try to get the door open and release the inmates, but the fire is ferocious and the door appears to be welded shut.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Unique Action!

What I learned doing this assignment is that I can use this brainstorming technique not only for the high action scenes, but for the quieter, desperate moments of the movie. I also like the variation on part of the mission for Donovan. I’m curious to see how that addition impacts the rest of the outline and the re-write.

1. Looking at your entire story, what is unique about each of these places:

Environment: Inside a prison, during a polar vortex, and the power is out.

Rules: The inmates left behind must rely on each other and put prison rivalries aside.

Villain: An embittered guard who blames our hero for his situation. Also, the storm certainly plays an antagonistic role.

Mission: Donovan must lead a daring prison break in order for everyone to survive.

Struggle: Fight against a crumbling building, a raging storm, and his own guilt.

Unique Skillset: Survivalist skills

Meaning: Each action scene progresses to a point where the remaining men have hope for survival.

Allies: Brian, the remaining inmates of PCU

Weapon: Physical strength, survivalist skills

2. Brainstorm ways to make one or more of those places unique:

A. What if…?

Weapon: The building becomes a weapon.

Unique Skillset: Ordinary prison supplies can be transformed into tools for survival.

B. Take to an extreme.

Environment: Everything that can go wrong to a structure during an extreme weather event will go wrong. Steel becomes brittle. Electrical fires start even as a building is filled with ice and snow. Drifts inside, bursting pipes, blown-out windows.

Villain: Even in the face of total collapse and certain death, he won’t stand down.

Mission: Even though it means going in the opposite direction, Donovan chooses to try to save one of the inmates in SEG.

C. Specific to character or environment.

Environment: Polar vortex creates the perfect storm where the men have to decide if it is safer inside the crumbling building or outside in a raging storm. No good answers for them.

D. Shocking or Surprising.

Villain: Angry, yet trying to do the right thing, his insistence on being right actually kills a busload of inmates. Explosion tosses him into the snow. But he survives, somehow.

E. Go opposite.

Mission: Donovan sacrifices himself so that the men can survive.

Weapon: The villain’s rage results in his death — not at the hands of Donovan, but by an act of the storm/building.

F. What haven’t we seen?

Environment: A hellscape of fire, wind, and snow inside a prison

Unique Skillset/Weapon: A new use for duct tape!

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Level 3 Action Emotions: Danger, Excitement, and Adrenaline

What I learned doing this assignment is that this scene actually rolls through these action emotions, as well as suspense, shock, and surprise multiple times in different ways. P.S. I accidentally did lesson 11 and 12 together.

[SETUP]

EXT. FOREST – Dawn

Frigid and silent. It’s dawn, but the light barely filters through the barren trees. Nothing stirs, until —

SNAP!

A booted foot stops atop desiccated leaves and a twisted tree branch.

[FEAR/DANGER]

FBI AGENT #1

(whispers)

Shit.

[FEAR/DANGER]

An agent in full gear, clearly freezing, winces, as the forest waits. His partner noiselessly joins him.

FBI AGENT #2

(whispers back)

You’re gonna be that loud, we could just ring the bell.

FBI AGENT #1

(chagrined)

Screw you. We don’t even know if he’s still living out here.

(muttering to himself)

Cocky son-of-a-bitch.

FBI AGENT #2

(nods)

Tell that to Jonesy.

Both agents glance behind them at a team of 10 agents, fanning out to scour the forest floor to the west — the only sound the occasional muffled rumble of distant walkie talkies.

The wind starts swirling around them as they inch over the earth, not knowing what lives beneath them.

[SUSPENSE/ FEAR]

EXT. FOREST DUGOUT – Dawn

A set of eyes come into focus amid the darkness of a dugout below the agents. Early light reveals DONOVAN, exhausted by the world, bearded and scarred, he waits. Will he escape again? They’ve never been this close.

Donovan settles a backpack on his back, secures his hatchet to it and is ready to run. No panic here — he moves through the near darkness of what looks like a warren of self-dug caves, filled with survival gear, a hacked solar cooking system, and books.

The sound of the footsteps suddenly ring hollow above Donovan. FBI Agent #1 is standing next to one of the dugout’s vents.

[SHOCK]

EXT. FOREST – Dawn

FBI Agent #1 crouches down to inspect the vent. Just as he turns to alert his partner, his weight shifts, and he shouts as he crashes down into the dugout. Writhing in pain, he comes face to face with Donovan.

FBI AGENT #1

HERE! HERE! HERE!

[ADRENALINE]

Decision made.

Donovan runs through an opening hidden by leaves, sprinting into the trees, just as FBI agent #2 responds to his partner’s warning. He grabs his walkie, as he starts to pursue.

[DANGER]

FBI Agent #2

Quadrant 4! Quadrant 4! Suspect is on the move. Agent is injured. All agents! Quadrant 4 — In pursuit.

[EXCITEMENT]

Donovan is a blur, but the much younger agent is gaining. Donovan knows he can’t outrun him, but he knows the forest. He makes a turn and suddenly —

[SURPRISE]

The young agent stops. Scans the trees around him.

FBI Agent #2

(to himself)

Where the f —

[ADRENALINE/SURPRISE]

He hears the other agents in the far distance responding to the call, just as he spies movement near the river. He crosses the distance, jumps down the bank — emptiness.

[SURPRISE]

Because Donovan is behind him coming out of the water.

[EXCITEMENT]

The agent turns, and Donovan strikes — the heel of his hand lands a punishing blow to the agent’s throat.

The young agent wheezes and staggers back. Reaches for his gun, and for Donovan’s now sodden jacket with his free hand. Donovan kicks the legs out from the agent, but the agent holds firm — sending them both tumbling into the rushing water.

[ADRENALINE]

Donovan jackhammer punches the agent’s nose — blood spraying and mixing with the river. The young agent momentarily stumbles and sinks.

Donovan turns back toward the bank, adrenaline pushing him forward.

[DANGER]

But the agent staggers after him — clawing at him — sending Donovan sprawling face down onto the muddy bank.

Donovan rolls to his side, reaching for his pack — he kicks out again, slamming the agent against the rocks. The young agent slides to the ground, still determined.

FBI Agent #2

(gasping for air)

We’re taking you —

Silence.

[FEAR/ SUSPENSE/DANGER]

Donovan is holding the hatchet.

The agent’s gun is useless. He knows it. Donovan knows it.

[EXCITEMENT]

Donovan rises.

The young agent looks Donovan in the eye. He refuses to beg.

But Donovan doesn’t swing the hatchet. He doesn’t run. He just looks at the young agent.

[SURPRISE]

And he drops the hatchet.

Laces his hands behind his head.

And waits.

[RELIEF]

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Patricia Steffy.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Level 2 Action Emotions: Surprise, Shock, Suspense

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m doing myself zero favors by second guessing what I’m doing with this draft. I need to throw out “is that right?” and just try things, even if they don’t work.

EXT. FOREST – Dawn

Frigid and silent. It’s dawn, but the light barely filters through the barren trees. Nothing stirs, until —

SNAP!

A booted foot stops atop desiccated leaves and a twisted tree branch.

FBI AGENT #1

(whispers)

Shit.

An agent in full gear, clearly freezing, winces, as the forest waits. His partner noiselessly joins him.

FBI AGENT #2

(whispers back)

You’re gonna be that loud, we could just ring the bell.

FBI AGENT #1

(chagrined)

Screw you. We don’t even know if he’s still living out here.

(muttering to himself)

Cocky son-of-a-bitch.

FBI AGENT #2

(nods)

Tell that to Jonesy.

Both agents glance behind them at a team of 10 agents, fanning out to scour the forest floor to the west — the only sound the occasional muffled rumble of distant walkie talkies.

The wind starts swirling around them as they inch over the earth, not knowing what lives beneath them.

EXT. FOREST DUGOUT – Dawn

A set of eyes come into focus amid the darkness of a dugout below the agents. Early light reveals DONOVAN, exhausted by the world, bearded and scarred, he waits. Will he escape again? They’ve never been this close.

Donovan settles a backpack on his back, secures his hatchet to it and is ready to run. No panic here — he moves through the near darkness of what looks like a warren of self-dug caves, filled with survival gear, a hacked solar cooking system, and books.

The sound of the footsteps suddenly ring hollow above Donovan. FBI Agent #1 is standing next to one of the dugout’s vents.

EXT. FOREST – Dawn

FBI Agent #1 crouches down to inspect the vent. Just as he turns to alert his partner, his weight shifts, and he shouts as he crashes down into the dugout. Writhing in pain, he comes face to face with Donovan.

FBI AGENT #1

HERE! HERE! HERE!

Decision made.

Donovan runs through an opening hidden by leaves, sprinting into the trees, just as FBI agent #2 responds to his partner’s warning. He grabs his walkie, as he starts to pursue.

FBI Agent #2

Quadrant 4! Quadrant 4! Suspect is on the move. Agent is injured. All agents! Quadrant 4 — In pursuit.

Donovan is a blur, but the much younger agent is gaining. Donovan knows he can’t outrun him, but he knows the forest. He makes a turn and suddenly —

The young agent stops. Scans the trees around him.

FBI Agent #2

(to himself)

Where the f —

He hears the other agents in the far distance responding to the call, just as he spies movement near the river. He crosses the distance, jumps down the bank — emptiness.

Because Donovan is behind him coming out of the water.

The agent turns, and Donovan strikes — the heel of his hand lands a punishing blow to the agent’s throat.

The young agent wheezes and staggers back. Reaches for his gun, and for Donovan’s now sodden jacket with his free hand. Donovan kicks the legs out from the agent, but the agent holds firm — sending them both tumbling into the rushing water.

Donovan jackhammer punches the agent’s nose — blood spraying and mixing with the river. The young agent momentarily stumbles and sinks.

Donovan turns back toward the bank, adrenaline pushing him forward.

But the agent staggers after him — clawing at him — sending Donovan sprawling face down onto the muddy bank.

Donovan rolls to his side, reaching for his pack — he kicks out again, slamming the agent against the rocks. The young agent slides to the ground, still determined.

FBI Agent #2

(gasping for air)

We’re taking you —

Silence.

Donovan is holding the hatchet.

The agent’s gun is useless. He knows it. Donovan knows it.

Donovan rises.

The young agent looks Donovan in the eye. He refuses to beg.

But Donovan doesn’t swing the hatchet. He doesn’t run. He just looks at the young agent.

And he drops the hatchet.

Laces his hands behind his head.

And waits.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Level 1 Action Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is that I had a number scene ideas that didn’t necessarily end with relief — in fact, many of them are escalations. While that is useful, a movie full of these scenes would definitely numb the audience and lessen the overall impact of the movie.

Anxiety: Donovan and Rodriguez contemplate climbing the ladder in an open elevator shaft.

Fear: Rodriguez slips and slams against the wall of the elevator, displacing water and ice from above.

Relief: Rodriguez finds his footing and safely clings to a stable rung of the ladder. [Although, admittedly, this relief is very short-lived.]

INT. PRISON ELEVATOR SHAFT — DAY

Still in shock, but determined to move forward, Donovan examines the elevator shaft’s maintenance ladder. He takes a deep breath.

DONOVAN

It’s steel.

RODRIGUEZ

So?

DONOVAN

Remember the security bars?

RODRIGUEZ

Fuckkkkkkkk.

DONOVAN

Yeah.

Donovan runs seemingly a million calculations in his head. He looks behind them one last time, searching for any other way through the debris.

Decision made.

Donovan pushes off of the ledge and steps over the chasm, grabbing the ladder as his feet come out from under him. He quickly rights himself as tiny shards of ice and snow fall around him from above.

Deep breath.

DONOVAN

You know what they say about first steps?

RODRIGUEZ

Easy, right?

Donovan tries to move his hand up to the next rung, but hesitates. His movements seem sluggish, as he pushes with his legs and moves his hands with a growl. Gaining speed, Donovan scrambles over to the open panel to safety, leaving a blood trail behind him.

His hands are shredded from where they stuck to the frozen metal as he climbed. He looks down the shaft at Rodriguez and yells:

DONOVAN

I warmed it up for you.

RODRIGUEZ

(mutters)

Nasty son-of-a-bitch.

Rodriguez steps out onto the ladder, following Donovan’s trail so his hands aren’t shredded too. At least the bloody skin is warm.

The ladder shakes. He looks up. He starts to crawl faster. Only two rungs away. Another cascade of ice plunges toward him. His left hand shatters. His feet slip as the metal rung below him cracks. He spins and smashes into the metal rail.

Donovan yells out to him — desperately trying to find a way to help him.

As the ice clears, Rodriguez is holding on with his right hand — the left, useless. With his last bit of strength, he kicks forward and wraps his left leg around the ladder rung.

Rodriguez looks up smiling at Donovan.

RODRIGUEZ

See? I told ya. Easy.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Favorite Twists!

What I learned doing this assignment is that I have to keep looking for ways to incorporate more twists into the script. While there has always been escalating danger (ie It Just Got Worse), I need to play with the alliances a bit more.

New Threat

Most of the PCU inmates, except our hero, feel good about being left behind. Being in the shelter of the tower prison feels safer than being out in the polar vortex with Sykes on a bus. Then the power goes out. And the storm arrives.

Plan Fails

Donovan makes decision to leave the unit and move to another floor, but the building is crumbling and water still cascades down an already faulty elevator shaft. At the elevator shaft, they hear screams from below — SEG is being flooded, and a young inmate, who our hero tried to take under his wing earlier, is in SEG. A mission is hatched for our hero and two other men to go try to save the kid. But the stairs are blocked. Daring rescue attempt by our hero using the electrified elevator shaft, despite the cascades of water. They arrive. But they are too late.

It Just Got Better and then It Just Got Worse

A last bus of prisoners flee in the storm. The engine stalls. The driver repeatedly tries to get the engine started again and panic takes hold. For a second, a moment of victory. Hope that they can keep moving.

Just as the bus appears to be moving again, a spark sets off an explosion in the engine and flames burst into the bus and are sucked backwards toward the oxygen of a faulty window and nearly everyone on the bus dies.

Unexpected Support

After deciding that their only way is up, the inmates slowly began to move as a team. But a fried security door means that someone will have to hold the door open, in order for people to get out and then try to escape before it closes. An unlikely hero among the inmates steps forward and sacrifices himself.

New Resource

Our hero leads the remaining men to the guard level, only to find a hellscape. Electrical has sparked a fire, and the windows had already blown out in the storm. Fire and ice combine. There is no relief here. Just as all hope is lost, he spies an unlikely new resource, hatches a new plan that the men think is crazy — but using this household item is their only choice. They just have to cross through flames to reach it.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Likability/Empathy/Justification

What I learned doing this assignment is that the audience needs to know that this is a redemption tale early in the first act. I wanted the details of his background to be revealed over time, but I think that if I hold back too much, the audience won’t empathize with him. He is a criminal. The men in the unit (with the exception of the kid he tries to save) are criminals. It is going to be important for the audience to see them as people and not just crimes, if they are going to root for them to survive the storm and the villain.

In the first act —

LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY

-He has impressive survivalist skills — grudging respect by law enforcement for those skills, even when they are taking him in.

-The men of the PCU have respect for Donovan. He’s mysterious, but they look to him as a negotiator.

-While largely seen as a loner, Donovan will step in when needed. He tries to stop the kid from getting into a fight and then tries to stop him from going to SEG.

-He befriends the young guard — a person who many of the other inmates want permission to kill or at least harm in revenge for an accidental shooting of another inmate.

-He warns the villain about the approaching storm.

-He prepares the men the best he can as the storm approaches.

-We believe Donovan is the only person who can save those left behind.

EMPATHY / DISTRESS

-Donovan made a choice he never would have made — aka trusted the wrong person. That choice cost him someone he loved.

-He is faced with the option of early release — leaving the prison before the storm, but he chooses to stay, to help.

JUSTIFICATION

-Donovan has suffered the loss of his younger brother.

-Donovan is threatened by Sykes, the head guard — faces physical and psychological attacks

-Donovan knows that he is the only person who can save those who are left behind.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Story Map

What I learned doing this assignment is that often the mission track and the villain tracks are often part of the main action track already — which I think is a good thing because I want the action and the hero to be nearly entirely entwined. I am rethinking some of the action sequences — for example, SEG is the basement, but would it make more sense to have it at the top of the tower. The layout of the prison is something I want to keep brainstorming, I think, as it very much impacts the logical action of the movie.

Opening

Action 1: Hero (Donovan) fights an ambush of law enforcement near his survivalist dugout in the forest.

Mission 1: Donovan grabs a hatchet, but when he can kill, he stops himself. The fury drains out of him. He drops the hatchet and is arrested.

[Time Jump]

Inciting Incident

Villain 1: With the storm only 12 hours away, Sykes convinces the Warden to leave the men of the protective custody unit and SEG behind — saving the prison $3 million in fines — with the added bonus of further torturing our hero who only had days left on his sentence.

Action 1: Panic sets into the yard, as rumors of who is being left behind swirl. A kid awaiting trial gets into a fight with one of the jittery inmates.

Action 2: Brian, an inexperienced guard, grabs for his gun and accidentally shoots one of the older inmates. The yard is put into lockdown. The kid is taken to SEG. The older inmate is removed from PCU and taken to the hospital. But all eyes turn to Brian, who is riddled with guilt.

Mission 1: Donovan (our hero) finds a way to calm those who want to go after Brian. There is no mistaking the tension.

First Turning Point at end of Act 1

Villain 1: The warden is ordered to get all prisoners with less than a week on their sentences onto the buses for an early release by the Governor. Sykes is pissed, and he taunts Donovan. It’s the last bus out. Sykes will ride the steps.

Mission 1/ Villain 2: Donovan could be free, he chooses not to get on the bus. He warns Sykes not to take the bus out — that it is too late. But Sykes refuses to listen.

Mid-Point

Action 1: The storm arrives and the power goes out.

Action 2: Pipes burst, sending flooding and freezing water down the shafts and throughout the building.

Action 3: Windows begin blowing out. Any movement could risk electrocution, but staying risks freezing to death.

Mission 1: Donovan reasons with the inmates. Logically, they could overpower Brian, take their revenge for the shooting, and escape the prison tower. But go where? Into the storm? Is any shelter better than being outside and free?

Escalation

Action 1: We flash back to the last bus of prisoners fleeing in the storm. The engine stalls. The driver repeatedly tries to get the engine started again and panic takes hold. For a second, a moment of victory. Hope that they can keep moving.

Action 2/ Villain 1: A spark sets off an explosion in the engine and flames burst into the bus and are sucked backwards toward the oxygen of a faulty window. Sykes is blown out the doors.

Villain 2: Sykes makes a move to try to open the emergency door of the bus to save the chained men who might still be alive. But the door won’t open. Metal shards and glass from the bus are flying. It’s too late.

Villain 3: A scorched Sykes is left in agony. His face hardens. He knows who to blame. He rises and turns back toward the prison.

Second Turning Point at end of Act 2

Mission 1: Donovan makes decision to leave the unit and move to another floor, but the building is crumbling and water still cascades down an already faulty elevator shaft.

Mission 2: At the elevator shaft, they hear screams from below — SEG is being flooded, and a young inmate, who our hero tried to take under his wing earlier, is in SEG. A mission is hatched for our hero and two other men to go try to save the kid. But the stairs are blocked.

Action 1: Daring rescue attempt by our hero using the electrified elevator shaft, despite the cascades of water. They arrive. But they are too late.

Mission 3: Donovan and his “second story man from way back” experience crisis of will. Once again, Donovan has failed to save a younger brother-like figure in his life. But he gets back up.

Crisis

Mission 1: Donovan gives the inmates the bad news — they are blocked from going down. Their only choice is to go up to the guard level.

Action 1: A fried security door means that someone will have to hold the door open, in order for people to get out and then try to escape before it closes.

Mission 2: Our hero leads the remaining men to the guard level, only to find a hellscape. Electrical has sparked a fire, and the windows had already blown out in the storm. Fire and ice combine. There is no relief here.

Mission 3: The hero formulates a new plan using his survivalist skills, but first, they need to get across the fire to the control room. The men think he is crazy, but the plan is their only choice.

Action 2: Daring cross into the control room and the guard lockers.

Climax

Action 1: The inmates go out what is left of the window to scale down the building in the height of the storm.

Villain 1: Sykes made it across the bridge and onto the guard level.

Villain 2/ Mission 1: There’s a standoff between Donovan and Sykes. Donovan is stalling in hopes that the men get to safety.

Villain 3/ Action 2: Villain shoots at Donovan, but the young guard pushes him out of the way and takes the bullet.

Mission 2: Donovan tries to talk Sykes out of doing anymore damage. Tells him that he can help him. That they can all walk away from this.

Villain 4: Sykes is beyond listening and raises the gun again. Not knowing that the bullet that hit the young guard, also hit one of the last standing supports for the ceiling.

Villain 5/ Action 3: As Sykes fires, the ceiling comes down on him and kills him.

Resolution

Mission 1/ Action 1: Donovan takes Brian down the building — when it looks like there is no way that they’ll get to shelter fast enough to survive, they are met by the surviving men who have managed to start one of the prison vehicles.

Mission 2: They escape together into the prison garage, which is miraculously still standing.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Patricia Steffy.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Action Structure!

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m struggling a little bit with the timing and turning points. In some spots, I might be waiting too long. Does it make sense for my mid-point to be the mid-point? Should I take the guys outside sooner, or leave them in the building for the Climax? The good news is that I can keep playing with it. Also, I’m not sure the inciting incident is clear. The decision to leave the men of PCU behind sets the events in motion for our characters. But the storm arriving physically sets the events of the movie in motion.

Opening

A crunch of snow underfoot. A crack of twigs. Eyes peering out from a survivalist dugout in the woods. Then a flash of movement — our hero lashes out, desperate not to be captured. In the last moment, he grabs a hatchet, but when he can kill, he stops himself. The fury drains out of him. He drops the hatchet and is arrested.

[Time Jump]

Inciting Incident

The storm is only 12 hours away. Warden of the for-profit prison is faced with evacuating as many prisoners as possible to other, safer prisons, at a price. Rather than removing everyone, the head guard (our villain Sykes) convinces her to leave the men of the protective custody unit and SEG behind — saving the prison $3 million in fines, and further punishing our hero (who only had days left on his sentence).

Panic sets into the yard, as rumors of who is being left behind swirl. A kid awaiting trial gets into a fight with one of the jittery inmates. Brian, an inexperienced guard, grabs for his gun and accidentally shoots one of the older inmates.

The yard is put into lockdown. The kid is taken to SEG. The older inmate is removed from PCU and taken to the hospital. But all eyes turn to Brian, who is riddled with guilt. Only Donovan (our hero) finds a way to calm those who want to go after Brian. There is no mistaking the tension.

First Turning Point at end of Act 1

The warden is ordered to get all prisoners with less than a week on their sentences onto the buses for an early release by the Governor. Sykes is pissed, and he taunts Donovan. It’s the last bus out. Sykes will ride the steps. And while Donovan could be free, he chooses not to get on the bus. He warns Sykes not to take the bus out — that it is too late. But Sykes refuses to listen.

Mid-Point

The storm arrives and the power goes out. Pipes burst, sending flooding and freezing water down the shafts and throughout the building. Windows begin blowing out. Any movement could risk electrocution, but staying risks freezing to death. Logically, they could overpower Brian, take their revenge for the shooting, and escape the prison tower. But go where? Into the storm? Is any shelter better than being outside and free?

We flash back to the last bus of prisoners feeling in the storm. The engine stalls. The driver repeatedly tries to get the engine started again and panic takes hold. For a second, a moment of victory. Hope that they can keep moving. But a spark sets off an explosion in the engine and flames burst into the bus and are sucked backwards toward the oxygen of a faulty window.

Sykes is blown out the doors. He makes a move to try to open the emergency door of the bus to save the chained men who might still be alive. But the door won’t open. Metal shards and glass from the bus are flying. It’s too late. A scorched Sykes is left in agony. His face hardens. He knows who to blame.

Second Turning Point at end of Act 2

Decision made to leave the unit and move to another floor, but the building is crumbling and water still cascades down an already faulty elevator shaft. At the elevator shaft, they hear screams from below — SEG is being flooded, and a young inmate, who our hero tried to take under his wing earlier, is in SEG. A mission is hatched for our hero and two other men to go try to save the kid.

Crisis

Blocked from going down, the gang regroups and agrees to go up to the guard level. But a fried security door means that someone will have to hold the door open, in order for people to get out and then try to escape before it closes.

The remaining men, including our hero, make it to the guard level, only to find a hellscape. Electrical has sparked a fire, and the windows had already blown out in the storm. Fire and ice combine. There is no relief here. The hero formulates a new plan, but first, they need to get across the fire to the control room.

Climax

The inmates go out what is left of the window to scale down the building in the height of the storm. But Sykes made it across the bridge and onto the guard level. There’s a standoff between Donovan and Sykes. Donovan is stalling in hopes that the men get to safety.

Sykes shoots at Donovan, but the young guard pushes him out of the way and takes the bullet. Donovan tries to talk Sykes out of doing anymore damage. Tells him that he can help him. That they can all walk away from this. But Sykes is beyond listening and raises the gun again.

Not knowing that the bullet that hit the young guard, also hit one of the last standing supports for the ceiling. As Sykes fires, the ceiling comes down on him and kills him.

Resolution

Donovan takes Brian down the building — when it looks like there is no way that they’ll get to shelter fast enough to survive, they are met by the surviving men who have managed to start one of the prison vehicles. They escape together into the prison garage, which is miraculously still standing.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Action Track!

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m still working on the type of action each scene requires. Also, does the movie need to end at the standoff with the villain, or is the final battle against the storm still necessary? I think it is because our hero is actually fighting two adversaries — Sykes and the storm. So, I think we need a resolution for both.

1 DISCOVERY: Donovan is found in his survivalist camp in the woods

Purpose: Creates a mystery about his identity and reveals some of his skills, which will come into play later in the film.

2 FIGHT: As law enforcement tries to take him in, Donovan fights back

Purpose: Gives us a glimpse of Donovan’s strength and some backstory

3 DANGEROUS SITUATION/SHOOTING: As tensions run high inside the prison, an inexperienced/scared young guard shoots in inmate in the yard when he fears an attack.

Purpose: Gives us a glimpse into the group dynamics in the prison and reveals a lot about the young guard’s backstory.

4 DANGEROUS SITUATION: A bus filled with inmates leaves the prison as the storm descends, despite warnings. They get stuck, an explosion occurs, nearly everyone on the bus dies — except the villain who is responsible for them being there.

Purpose: Reveals the villain’s arrogance at ignoring warnings and places him in a situation that there is no coming back from.

5 DANGEROUS SITUATION: Storm descends and rocks the prison tower. Power goes out.

Purpose: Creates a clear picture of the peril our hero and the remaining inmates face.

6 DANGEROUS SITUATION: Pipes burst, sending flooding and freezing water down the shafts and throughout the building. Windows begin blowing out.

Purpose: Creates additional dangers for those left behind — any movement could risk electrocution, but staying risks freezing to death.

7 ESCAPE: Decision made to leave the unit and move to another floor, but the building is crumbling and water still cascades down an already faulty elevator shaft.

Purpose: Challenges our hero and his crew with nearly impossible obstacles toward getting to the ground.

8 RESCUE: At the elevator shaft, they hear screams from below — SEG is being flooded, and a young inmate, who our hero tried to take under his wing earlier, is in SEG. A mission is hatched for our hero and two other men to go try to save the kid.

Purpose: Hero feels responsible for the death of his brother, and this unrealistic push to go down into a flooding SEG is a chance at redemption for him.

9 DANGEROUS SITUATION/NEW ESCAPE PLAN: Blocked from going down, the gang regroups and agrees to go up to the guard level. But a fried security door means that someone will have to hold the door open, in order for people to get out and then try to escape before it closes.

Purpose: Redemption for one of the inmates and an escalation in the danger.

10 DANGEROUS SITUATION/NEW ESCAPE PLAN: The remaining men, including our hero, make it to the guard level, only to find a hellscape. Electrical has sparked a fire, and the windows had already blown out in the storm. Fire and ice combine. There is no relief here. The hero formulates a new plan, but first, they need to get across the fire to the control room.

Purpose: Escalate the danger, while our hero becomes the leader the men need to survive.

11 ESCAPE: The inmates go out what is left of the window to scale down the building in the height of the storm.

Purpose: Show the best option in a no-win situation and the faith trust that has grown between this group of survivors.

12 STANDOFF: The villain somehow made it across the bridge and onto the guard level. There’s a standoff between Donovan and Sykes. Donovan is stalling in hopes that the men get to safety.

Purpose: Escalate the tension and show the antagonist’s frame of mind.

13 SHOOTOUT: Villain shoots at Donovan, but the young guard pushes him out of the way and takes the bullet.

Purpose: Redemption for the earlier shooting of the inmate in the yard.

14 DANGEROUS SITUATION/SHOOTOUT: Donovan tries to talk Sykes out of doing anymore damage. Tells him that he can help him. That they can all walk away from this. But Sykes is beyond listening and raises the gun again. Not knowing that the bullet that hit the young guard, also hit one of the last standing supports for the ceiling. As Sykes fires, the ceiling comes down on him and kills him.

Purpose: The Villain is dead. Donovan can escape, carrying the young guard, to an uncertain future in the storm.

15 DANGEROUS SITUATION: Donovan takes the guard down the building — when it looks like there is no way that they’ll get to shelter fast enough to survive, they are met by the surviving men who have managed to start one of the prison vehicles.

Purpose: Donovan and the other survivors earn some level of redemption. Donovan is free.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Villain Track!

What I learned doing this assignment is that Sykes is a complex villain. He is a man of principles, but he’s also someone who saw his dreams snatched from him. It drives him, but it also blinds him. I think it’s okay that there might be moments when the audience feels for him. But he takes it too far, and he pays the price. I’m not convinced that my labels for the track are the best, but they are a good start.

1. Ask the Villain Track questions to discover your Villain’s plan, decisions, and actions.

A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero? The plan could be pre-existing or created on the spot.

The initial plan is one of vengeance. The embittered prison guard blames our hero for his life going to hell. But he’s not a mustache-twirling villain. He believes in his duty. He believes he is on the side of right. He threatens to expose Donovan’s secret to the other inmates. He’s responsible for making it has hard as possible for Donovan to leave as the storm approaches. And the last stand between them is a fight to the death as the storm crushes everything around them.

B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the hero?

Expose him to the other inmates, making him look weak.

Tempt Donovan into acting violently against him — jeopardizing Donovan’s release date (which is only 3 days away)

Harass people Donovan seemingly has taken under his wing — which has deadly consequences

Manipulates the Warden and forces Donovan to choose between early release and those who will be left behind to die

Is responsible for an accident that kills nearly a dozen inmates, including some of Donovan’s crew

When all is lost and the building crumbles around them, Sykes takes one more shot (literally) at Donovan

C. What advantage does the Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie?

He is respected within the prison system, which gives him power over the inmates.

He’s smart and driven — unfortunately, for our hero, he is driven by bitterness and a need to blame someone else for his life.

D. What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain where they pay for what they’ve done?

Rather than accepting a truce and saving his own life, he makes one more stand and dies.

VERSION 1 VILLAIN TRACK: Deadly Freeze

Villain: Randall Sykes, a 50-something, by-the-book head guard who is corporate’s favorite inside man.

Hero: Donovan, survivalist turned inmate with a secret past.

IN THE MOMENT PLAN: Sykes’s plan was conceived the moment he sees that Donovan has been transferred to his protective custody unit. From that moment on, he makes it his mission to hold Donovan responsible for all the disappointments in his life.

DECISION: Threaten to expose him to the other inmates, making him look weak. Sykes wants a reaction.

NEW PLAN: Harass people Donovan seems to care about — including a young man awaiting trial and a young guard who Sykes thinks is going to wash out any day now. This almost works, but another inmate goes down in the process and the storm is getting closer.

RETALIATION: He manipulates the Warden and forces Donovan to choose between early release and those who will be left behind to die.

NEW PLAN/ESCAPE/GLORY: Frustrated at not being able to finish the job with Donovan, Sykes takes command of the last bus leaving the prison before the storm hits — despite warnings that it was too late. On board, several members of the protective custody unit that stood by Donovan during the earlier confrontations. Things go horribly wrong as the bus becomes stuck in the storm — everybody dies, except for the Sykes who is blown out of the door.

FITTING ENDING:

When all is lost and the building crumbles around them, Sykes takes one more shot (Literally) at Donovan. But he hits the younger guard. He raises the gun one more time as Donovan refuses to defend himself — instead, he offers Sykes a chance to survive. But he fires the gun. Hits a support that is already disintegrating and brings the ceiling down on himself.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  Patricia Steffy.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Hero’s Mission Track

What I learned doing this assignment is that even though I thought I knew exactly what my hero’s mission track was before starting the assignment, I discovered new and more interesting elements as I was brainstorming.

1. Ask the Mission Track questions to discover your Hero’s mission.

A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds?

He is a survivalist shrouded in mystery who knows that he is the only one with the skills to help those left behind in the prison as the power goes out and a deadly storm tears apart the building.

B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal?

He’s the only person who can try to save his fellow inmates from a collapsing prison and a deadly storm that kills in only minutes after exposure.

C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero?

Internal: Donovan is driven by guilt — his younger brother killed himself after getting caught up in Donovan’s crime.

External: The building is going to collapse around them, and they will all die.

D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain?

Donovan faces the opportunity of early release, but realizes the men will die without him.

He refuses early parole and tries to help the men prep.

When the storm comes, he leads the men through a perilous journey as the building comes down around them, exposing them to a deadly freeze.

Faces the question of what is worse: going into the deadly storm or staying inside the shelter that is killing them one by one?

He convinces the men to brave the storm, but first, he detours to try to save a young man who was sent to SEG, but fails.

Escape out of a window (and scaling down the disintegrating tower) seems like their only hope, the embittered prison guard reappears, determined to stop Donovan from escaping at any cost.

2. Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.

Clear Mission: To save himself and the men left behind in the protective custody unit as the power is knocked out and a deadly polar vortex approaches.

Motivation: He wants to live, and, in saving those left behind, he has a chance at redemption after his brother’s death.

Inciting Incident: The storm arrives.

First Action: Donovan tries to warn people about the approaching storm.

Obstacle: For-profit prison system doesn’t allow for empty prisons without $3 million fine, even in a disaster, so the warden won’t hear it. Because Donovan has only days left on his sentence, he could be granted early release — but he knows those left behind won’t survive the storm, including an innocent kid who is waiting for trial.

Escalation: The storm arrives and knocks out the power, which creates a cascading danger as the building begins to crumble, pipes burst, and water becomes electrified.

Overwhelming Odds: It’s dangerous to leave; it’s dangerous to stay. The storm can kill in minutes and frostbite is nearly instant. They are in the middle of nowhere. The systems aren’t working. There is no help to be had, other than the assistance of a young prison guard who was also left behind.

New Mission: Get the kid out of SEG and get an idea of the damage done below them.

Apparent Defeat: They find the kid, only to realize that he is dead — everyone in SEG froze to death when the pipes burst.

New Plan: Get to the guard level, go out a window, scale down the side of the building, and take shelter in prison garage that appears to be neither flooded or on fire. But getting there will be nearly impossible.

Apparent Success: The surviving group get to the guard level which has hellscape of fire and raging wind. The windows were blown out, but if they can find a way to lower themselves securely but quickly, they see the garage in the distance, and it is still standing.

Full out Attack: As the men start lowering themselves out the window, Sykes appears like a badly burned apparition. Donovan distracts him so that the men and the young guard can get to safety (or at least out into the raging storm). He’s willing to sacrifice himself for the men, so he surrenders.

Twist: Sykes pulls his gun anyway. The young guard pushes Donovan out of the way, but gets shot in the process. Donovan must go on the attack to save the young guard.

Success: Sykes dies. Donovan goes out the window carrying the young guard. The men who lived arrive to help. They make it into the garage and survive the storm.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Hero and Villain

What I learned doing this assignment is that making the hero and villain aren’t all morally right or morally wrong. And that might make them both more interesting. While the audience will still be clearly rooting for the hero, some of the villain’s choices may also resonate at the beginning.

Improved Answers

Concept:

During a Polar Vortex, a federal prison loses electricity, leaving the prisoners in the protective custody unit in a deadly freeze, prompting an imprisoned survivalist with three days left on his sentence to lead a daring prison break to save his fellow inmates.

Hero Morally Right: Hero wants to save the lives of his fellow inmates and a guard left behind in the storm

Villain Morally Wrong: Villain willing to let countless men die rather than take the risk of an escape during the storm

Hero: Donovan (aka The Broker)

A. Unique Skill Set: Survivalist, strategist, calm under intense pressure

B. Motivation: Save his own life, save the lives of the men left behind, secure official release from prison

C. Secret or Wound: Brother was involved in the financial scheme that sent hero to prison — hero ran, his brother killed himself. Donovan is driven by guilt.

Villain: Randall Sykes (Prison Guard)

A. Unbeatable: For-profit prison system behind him, driven by bitterness and sense of duty, access to weapons

B. Plan/Goal: Force every prisoner to serve full sentence regardless of the circumstances

C. What they lose if Hero survives: Escape could endanger community, but more than that, the already embittered villain will have failed at the one thing that got him up in the morning — a dangerous combination of duty and revenge.

Impossible Mission: Donovan could save himself and take early release — or he could stay behind and try to save the lives of the guard and prisoners left behind in the deadly storm.

A. Puts Hero in Action: A financial decision by the warden leaves behind a handful of prisoners and a guard as a deadly storm arrives. Donovan could have taken early release, but knowing he is the only one who has the skills to help them, he stays behind to save as many of them as possible.

B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: Donovan fights overwhelming odds in extreme conditions as the deadly storm knocks out the power and shatters the prison tower block.

C. Destroy the Villain: Just as Donovan and the remaining men are about to escape the disintegrating building, Sykes makes one last stand to keep them from escaping. Rather than taking the offered hand and a truce, he stands his ground and dies.

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia’s Conventions!

What I learned doing this assignment is that there are a number of ways to elevate action that hadn’t even occurred to me when I was first creating this world. It has already prompted me to think about unusual action and scenarios that might bring surprise to an audience. This exercise has also given me more confidence in my concept.

High Concept: During a Polar Vortex, a federal prison loses electricity, leaving the prisoners in the protective custody unit in a deadly freeze, prompting an imprisoned survivalist with three days left on his sentence to lead a daring prison break to save his fellow inmates.

Conventions

Hero: An imprisoned survivalist — comfortable being a loner and eagerly awaiting his release

Demand For Action: A power outage and a deadly polar vortex slowly begin to destroy their tower-like prison.

Mission: Save everyone left on the Protective Custody Unit before the storm kills them all

Antagonist: An embittered prison guard and a deadly storm

Escalating Action: As the storm intensifies so does the destruction of the building. Where do they go? Inside or out? Every decision brings greater levels of danger.

[Patricia Steffy]

Hi! I’m Patricia Steffy. I’ve written 15 scripts — fairly evenly split between comedy and drama. I wrote a disaster/action movie in Hal’s MSC 11 that got a decent amount of attention, but while readers enjoyed the premise and characters, it read more like a drama and the action fell flat. So, my goal is to significantly improve my action writing skills so that I can rewrite that script and re-market it.

Something unique? Hmmmm I worked as an analyst for a corporate law firm for nearly 17 years before deciding that I wanted a different life. And while it hasn’t been anywhere near smooth sailing, this new life has certainly been interesting. 🙂

[Patricia Steffy]

Patricia Steffy

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Patricia Steffy]

Thank you so much for your feedback! It’s very helpful, and I’m particularly interested in pursuing more about the lifer and how he might be seen more as bad guy until he has his moment of redemption. Also, totally agree about the subtext suggestions.

[Patricia Steffy]

Hi! I’m happy to partner up, if that works for you. 🙂