[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Query Letter
Title: THE DEAD LAKES
Written by: Patrick Malone
Genre: Mystery/Horror
Can Clark Grady uncover long lost Confederate gold guarded by supernatural forces in order to save his future?
Synopsis
In the midst of the Civil War, millions of dollars in Confederate gold disappeared in the forests and swamps of the Florida Panhandle. It hasn’t been seen in 162 years.
Fast forward to 2024, actor Clark Grady returns home to find his life in shambles: his mother is on the verge of losing her home due to gambling debts, and his acting troupe is being disbanded.
What does one do when facing financial ruin and the possible collapse of his marriage plans?
His solution? Find the lost gold.
Despite Clark’s father having vanished searching for the gold, his mother’s warnings of the monstrous Amaruga, and the dangers of the Dead Lakes, he enlists help from Ollie Grier to formulate plans to search for the gold.
Clark will venture toward the mysterious and foreboding Dead Lakes unaware that the gold is protected by a monstrous creature and the spirits of Confederate soldiers.
If you like this concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
I am a TV writer and screenwriter who has placed in writing contests. I lived in the Florida Panhandle and the culture and environment inspired me to write The Dead Lakes.
Patrick Malone
Contact info.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Marketable Components
I learned where to look closely for elements that make my script/project appealing & marketable.
A. Unique.
This story taps into the allure of hidden treasures and unsolved mysteries from the Civil War era. This combined with the paranormal elements makes the story unique.
B. Great Title: The Dead Lakes
This suggests something dark, mysterious and foreboding. It fits well with the themes of hidden treasures, local legend, and supernatural elements. The location and environment are integral to the story’s intrigue.
C. True Story: N/A
D. Timely
With a recession looming, high interest rates and inflation, many people are in economic trouble. To ease their financial woes, they may not search for lost gold, but many turn to lotteries and side hustles, while others are engage in crime.
E. It’s a first. N/A
F. Ultimate.
The mysterious, prehistoric environment of the Lost Lakes and the supernatural foes make this the most dangerous hunt for gold.
G. Wide audience appeal.
Will appeal to those who love mystery and horror, dangerous quests and have an interest in history.
H. Adapted from a popular book. N/A
J. A great role for a bankable actor.
Clark Grady: protagonist, Strategic planner, history expert, driven by need for validation, can be reckless, fear of abandonment and failure, presents a confident and determined exterior.
Ollie Grier: shrimp fisherman, family man, wilderness guide & expert, drug dealer
Tammy Marshall: Clark’s fiancé, wild party girl, outspoken and blunt, athletic, psychic, suffered loss of family wealth and prestige.
Grant Fairfield: antagonist, rich, powerful, charming, ruthless, ego-driven, secret agenda with government agency

[Patrick Malone]

I posted this twice so deleted this one.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
I learned new ways to create pitches using short punchy sentences. Also, the difference between a High Concept and Elevator pitch. High Concept
DILEMMA To save his home and marriage, a man must find lost Confederate gold guarded by supernatural forces.
MAIN CONFLICT Would you confront a monster and dead Confederate soldiers to save your home and marriage?
WHAT’S AT STAKE? On the verge of losing his home and fiancé, Clark is forced to search for lost Confederate gold in the mysterious and foreboding Dead Lakes.
GOAL/UNIQUE OPPOSITION A monster and dead Civil War soldiers protect millions of dollars’ worth of Confederate gold.
Elevator Pitch
I’ve just finished writing a mystery/horror pilot about the allure of hidden lost Civil War gold that is protected by paranormal elements.
I’ve just finished writing a mystery/horror pilot about a man who must chose between losing his home and fiancé or searching for gold in the dangerous and foreboding Dead Lakes.
I’ve just finished writing a mystery/horror pilot about long lost Civil War gold that’s protected by supernatural elements.
I’ve just finished writing a mystery/horror pilot about the mysterious and foreboding Dead Lakes, the perfect place to hide gold from the Civil War.
AI RESULTS
I’d like to create a [pitch] for my [Format/Genre] TV series that is short and to the point and could get a producer or agent to read the pilot.
1. “Clark Grady’s desperate search for lost Confederate gold in Florida’s haunted swamps pits him against a ruthless descendant and a legendary monster.”
2. “Amidst Florida’s eerie swamps, Clark Grady hunts for Civil War gold, battling a monstrous guardian and a relentless Union descendant.”
3.”Haunted Florida swamps hide lost Confederate gold, as Clark Grady faces a deadly monster and a rival descendant in a chilling treasure hunt.”
4.”Clark Grady’s quest for Civil War gold in Florida’s swamps unearths a monstrous protector and a rival descendant, blending mystery and horror.”
5.”Desperate for gold, Clark Grady ventures into Florida’s haunted swamps, confronting a legendary monster and a determined descendant of a Union soldier.”
Comps: “Stranger Things,” “Supernatural,” “True Detective,” “The Haunting of Hill House,” “Bloodline.”

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Synopsis Hooks
I learned that using the COM and 10 MITS is a great way to develop an intriguing synopsis.
Title: THE DEAD LAKES
Written by: Patrick Malone
Genre: Mystery/Horror
Hooks:
The intriguing title.
Mystery of the lost gold.
Clark’s and his mother’s financial dilemma.
Clark’s relationship with fiancé is in jeopardy.
He has a dangerous rival. The search for gold is fraught with physical and paranormal perils.
Synopsis
In 1862, millions of dollars in Confederate gold disappeared in the forests and swamps of the Florida Panhandle. It hasn’t been seen in 162 years.
Actor Clark Grady returns from a long theater tour happily looking forward to his wedding and moving into his new home.
But what does one do when he discovers his mother has a gambling addiction, is about to lose her house, and his acting troupe is being terminated? His solution? Find the lost gold.
Despite the many physical dangers and that others, including his father, have vanished in their searches, the gold may be his only salvation.
Without the gold he could lose everything including his fiancé. Either way, he may lose her as she is totally against the search.
Learning that a ruthless Northerner plans his own expedition, Clark and his crew head into the Florida wilderness. Clark ventures toward the mysterious and foreboding Dead Lakes unaware that

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s 10 Most Interesting Things
I learned to look at my script in a different way and realize what makes it most interesting.
• A. What is most unique about your villain and hero? The hero, Clark Grady, is a hard- working theater actor. He about to be married and has put a down payment on a house. Returning from a long tour, he discovers his mother is a gambling addict, her house may be repossessed, and his acting troupe will be shut down. The villain, Grant Fairfield, a member of a wealthy, powerful Northern industry family. He is charming but ruthless in his goals. He has secret involvement with a clandestine American government agency.
• B. Major hook of your opening scene? Where did the gold go? What is the creature that devours corpses?
• C. Any turning points? Clark learns he could lose the family house, his acting troupe is terminated, he has no income.
He must find the gold.
• D. Emotional dilemma? Despite his fear Clark must search for the gold to save his mother’s home. But he may also lose
his fiancé, Tammy.
• E. Major twists? Lucinda is attacked by unknown assailant.
• F. Reversals? Ollie is a drug dealer.
• G. Character betrayals? Lucinda betrays David regarding land development.
• H. Or any big surprises?

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Project and Market
This lesson made me consider what is most attractive about my story.
1. Genre: Mystery/Horror Title: The Dead Lakes
Concept: A group of local Floridians embark on a perilous journey into the mysterious
Dead Lakes region to uncover the secrets of a Confederate gold shipment lost during the Civil War. Not only are they threatened by rival treasure seekers, they encounter supernatural forces guarding the ancient fortune.
2. I think the what’s most attractive about this story is the mystery of what happened to the lost gold and whether there is actually a creature, a monster, protecting the gold. Also, the culture of the Gulf coast and the mysterious, dangerous environment of Dead Lakes.
3. I will target producers first. They have the most clout to advance a project. As well, I have a substantial contact list of producers.

[Patrick Malone]

Please let me know if you’d like to do a script exchange. Mine is a mystery/horror.

[Patrick Malone]

I am ready to exchange pilot scripts. Mine is a mystery/horror.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Dialogue 4 – 6

I understood better to start a scene with a setup and end it with a payoff. Also, have a better understanding of using irony.

3. SETUP / PAYOFF

Situation: Lucinda has learned that a northerner is planning on searching for the lost Confederate gold. Clark has just informed her of his grave financial problems.

The setup is Lucinda’s first sentence: “This is one of the gold coins your grandfather found?”

She hopes to convince Clark to search for the gold.

The payoff is Clark’s final line: “Get all the information you can on this New Yorker. Find out everything he knows.” Implies he will search for the gold.

INT. CLARK’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY

Clark sits on the couch as Lucinda picks up the encased 1860 gold coin.

LUCINDA

This is one of the gold coins your grandfather found?

CLARK

Yeah. He found another one as well.

LUCINDA

It’s beautiful. Do you think there are more out there?

CLARK

If you believe the stories there’s lots more golden treasures.

LUCINDA

They’re not just stories. You know as well as anyone that the Confederates moved a huge gold shipment through this area.

She puts the coin back on the bureau and sits.

LUCINDA

There’s a man from New York. He’s been at the County office inquiring about the gold.

Clark’s interest perks up.

LUCINDA

I know you and your family have been interested in looking for that gold and now – –

CLARK

It’s also cost my family big time. It’s what they call on those cop shows a cold case.

LUCINDA

I’d hate to see some outsider make the discovery.

CLARK

As far as I’m concerned it’s what those cop shows a “cold case.”

LUCINDA

He sounds very serious and seems to be backed by a lot of money.

Clark gets up.

LUCINDA

You could honor your grandfather by finding it.

Clark picks up the gold coin.

LUCINDA

You don’t want to hurt Tammy, ruin the wedding and…

She watches Clark stare at the coin. He sees his grandfather’s face on the coin.

LUCINDA

Clark?

He looks up.

CLARK

Get all the information you can on this New Yorker. Find out everything he knows.

Lucinda smiles.

4. ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE

Situation: Lucinda works for the County. She recently rejected a development by Henry Henderson. In this scene I added Lucinda telling her sister she anticipates repercussions.

EXT. APALACHICOLA MARINA – DAY

A small marina with a couple dozen yachts, sail boats, and a few small fishing vessels. A short channel connects it with the Gulf of Mexico. Dressed in athletic gear, Lucinda and Tammy jog along the marina’s edge.

LUCINDA

This morning air feels so good. Sweet.

TAMMY

You should try this more often. Help you clear all the stress of work. Sure, helps me.

LUCINDA

But your job is working out.

TAMMY

(chuckles)

Glad to hear you worked things out with that land developer.

LUCINDA

Henderson is just another money hungry soulless bastard. It wasn’t easy but we killed his proposal.

TAMMY

Any blow back?

LUCINDA

Oh, there’s bound to be some repercussions.

I then created the following scene that is a warning to Lucinda and also payoff to the former scene.

INT. GULF COUNTY BUILDING LUCINDA’S OFFICE – DAY

Lucinda types at her computer keyboard. She hears a commotion in outer office.

SECRETARY (O.S.)

She’s rather busy. She’s about to go into a meeting.

MAN (O.S.)

Damn her meeting. She hasn’t returned my calls.

HENRY

Who the hell do you think you are stopping my development?

LUCINDA

Calm down Mr. Henderson. We studied your proposal and – –

HENRY

You dissected it. Tore it to shreds A plan I invested tens of thousands of dollars to create. You —

LUCINDA

It didn’t meet our assessment so —

HENRY

That land is just sitting there so some hick beekeepers can fill a few bottles of honey.

LUCINDA

Honey production is a major source of income for the county.

HENRY

Like you know anything about economics. You just blew millions.

Lucinda stand up behind her desk.

LUCINDA

Mr. Henderson, I need you to leave. The decision is final.

HENRY

Looking at you it’s apparent the rumors that your family are write-offs aren’t just rumors.

LUCINDA

Please get out.

Henry pounds her desk and heads to the door. A security guard steps in the doorway.

SECURITY GUARD

Sir.

The guard indicates the door. Henry glares at him and turns back toward Lucinda.

HENRY

You’ve made a horrible mistake. I can’t see you surviving here.

The security guard grabs Henry’s arm and forces him out. The secretary steps in.

SECRETARY

I’ve never seen anything like that. Are you okay?

Lucinda breathes heavily.

5. IRONIC DIALOGUE

Example 1

Situation: Lucinda and David argue over her decision to reject Henderson’s proposal.

The original scene without irony.

INT. GULF COUNTY BUILDING – DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY

DAVE

Lucinda, do you recognize the value you’ve cost the county? Millions.

LUCINDA

Dave, you’re aware there are three apiarists in that area.

She jabs her finger on the map.

LUCINDA

Three apiarists and dozens of tupelo trees in the nearby cypress swamps.

DAVE

Yeah, but- –

LUCINDA

That gets bulldozed and we lose millions of bees and potentially millions in honey.

Dave grunts.

LUCINDA

Our famous tupelo honey.

DAVE

Henderson is going to take his project somewhere else.

LUCINDA

I could care less.

Revised scene with Ironic dialogue. David commends Lucinda for always supporting Gulf County, then accuses her of taking Henderson’s project to Franklin County.

INT. GULF COUNTY BUILDING – DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY

DAVE

Lucinda, do you not recognize the value you’ve cost the county? Millions.

LUCINDA

Dave, you are aware there are four apiarists in that area.

She jabs her finger on the map.

LUCINDA

Four apiarists and dozens of tupelo trees in the nearby cypress swamps.

DAVE

Yes, but- –

LUCINDA

If that gets bulldozed we lose millions of bees and potentially millions in honey.

Dave grunts.

LUCINDA

Our famous tupelo honey.

DAVE

You’ve always supported the interests of Gulf County. I won’t be surprised if Henderson takes his project somewhere else like… like Apalachicola, Franklin County.

He pounds his fist on the desk.

DAVE

That’s it. You’ve made a deal to move the development to Franklin County.

She laughs sarcastically.

LUCINDA

You got to be insane thinking like that.

EXAMPLE 2

Situation: Clark has arrived at a surprise welcome home party.

Original scene.

INT. GIBSON INN – PARLOR BAR – NIGHT

LUCINDA

I think the man of the hour should say a few words.

CLARK

Wow, man, this is something else. Totally unexpected. It’s not my birthday, nor my wedding, yet.

Revised scene with irony.

INT. GIBSON INN – PARLOR BAR – NIGHT

LUCINDA

I think the man of the hour should say a few words. What am I saying? He’s a man of many words.

TAMMY

Loquacious is what he is.

OLLIE

It’s almost impossible to shut him up.

Ollie stands with his wife CLARE and four-year-old daughter PRESLEY.

CLARK

Wow, man, this is something else. Totally unexpected. It’s not my birthday, nor my wedding, yet.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Dialogue 7 – 8

I learned a better understanding of subtext.

The following 2 scenes are as originally written except for a few words. I believe they capture the concepts of the lessons.

7. DIALOGUE AS ACTION

Situation: Clark has come home from a months long tour with his acting troupe. He discoverers that his mother has a gambling habit that may cause then to lose their home. Clark hopes to salvage the situation especially if he gets a coveted movie role.

The dialogue between Clark and Blake cause Clark emotional pain and stress. The results of the conversation will cause Clark to take action and mount a search for the lost Confederate gold.

INT. CLARK’S HOUSE – DAY

Clark is connected to the Zoom meeting on his laptop. The face of BLAKE DEL RAY appears on the screen. He is a handsome fifty-year-old.

BLAKE

You made it.

CLARK

Yeah, hello, Blake. Sorry I was delayed getting on.

BLAKE

Well, it’s good to see you. Are you happily ensconced back at home?

CLARK

Yes, ah, but there’s a family issue. But I’m fine.

BLAKE

I hope nothing to serious.

CLARK

It will work out. How about yourself?

Still recovering from the road. So, I did hear from Lawrence about his film.

CLARK

So soon. Wonderful.

BLAKE

Um, not exactly. I’m sorry to say he’s going with Mike Langley for the part.

CLARK

Shit. Really? I was confident I- –

BLAKE

I thought he was favoring you. He feels that Mike has the physical presence the role requires.

Clark slumps back in his seat and rubs his face.

BLAKE

I’m sorry, Clark. Lawrence did say he thinks very highly of your acting. Perhaps a role down the line.

CLARK

Like that will happen. Man, I was so looking forward to being in the film.

BLAKE

I’m afraid that’s not the worst.

CLARK

What could be more disappointing?

BLAKE

The funding for the troupe has been cut.

CLARK

Cut?

BLAKE

Totally pulled.

CLARK

No. That can’t be.

BLAKE

As well, several of the theaters are reducing the number of productions. We’ve been dropped from any billings.

Clark jumps up and leans into the computer screen.

CLARK

What are you doing to stop all this? The troupe can’t just fold.

BLAKE

I’ve done what I can with our backers. I don’t know what I can pull out of the hat.

CLARK

You know I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. I have expenses and I just put a down payment on a house rental.

BLAKE

God, I’m sorry Clark. This hits all of us very hard. I’ll try my best… but don’t count on anything changing.

The two men stare into their computers. Clark screams and swats his laptop across the room.

8. SUBTEXT

Situation: Clark tells Clare that he is unsure about Ollie being his best man. When Ollie joins them, Clark immediately changes the subject.

Moments later, when Clark asks if Ollie hurt his fist on the ship, he already knows he didn’t. Ollie covers up by making a joke of it. And Clare changes the subject.

EXT. OLLIE’S HOUSE – DAY

A shotgun house. Ollie’s daughter Presley plays with a little boy and girl in front yard.

INT. OLLIE’S HOUSE – DAY

In the small comfortable front room Clare sits with Clark. The kids can be heard playing.

CLARE

I understand it’s an awkward situation. Ollie and Tammy don’t get along.

CLARK

I want Ollie to be best man. But Tammy— –

CLARE

Nevertheless, he’s your best friend.

Ollie enters carrying three bottles of beer. He hands one to Clare and Clark. His right fist is bandaged.

OLLIE

I checked the schedule and I’m off on the twenty fifth. So, I will be there on your big day.

Clark takes sip of beer.

CLARK

Thanks. You were saying the ship took on an immense amount of water.

OLLIE

Sure did. We were listing. God I thought we were going over. Some of the worst swells on the Gulf I’ve encountered.

CLARK

You always make it through.

The three of them clink their beer bottles.

CLARK

That’s not how you hurt your fist?

Ollie looks at his fist and laughs

OLLIE

Um, no. I was working on the car and whacked it …careless.

CLARE

Did Clark mention he’ll be moving to a house in town?

[Patrick Malone]

Hello, I’m Patrick Malone. I currently live in Mississauga. I have written 3 feature screenplays and 2 TV pilots, working a third pilot. My background is in film/video editing and documentary production. I have taken several ScreenwritingU classes and I am looking forward to getting a different perspective on developing characters that will attract name actors.

Hope to meet some of you during this course!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Character Descriptions

I learned to use small, intermediate steps to build a rough draft for the characters. I used the AI prompt to get more ideas, some of which I incorporated.

CLARK GRADY

Who is the character? Role in the show?

Protagonist, devises plan to find lost gold; friend of Ollie, fiancé of Tammy

Noteworthy traits:

knows local & Civil War history, creative, stubborn, obsessive

Intriguing history:

After attack by Yankees, Confederates disappeared with millions in gold.

Intrigue? Mystery?

Grandfather disappeared years ago searching for gold.

How do they support or drive the conflict with others?

He’s in race with Grant to find the gold

His determined obsession heads others into danger.

Irony — Opposites or paradoxes that exist with the character

Need to find out what happened to grandfather could harm or kill his friends.

He loves Tammy but his obsession may ruin relationship

Opposing agendas/etc. that naturally causes conflict with other characters

Thinks he knows best, disagreements with Ollie regarding expedition

Unpredictable?

obsessive, bad decisions puts others at risk

Intriguing relationship with one or more characters

Tammy, Ollie, Grant

START: Clark returns home from a tour with his acting troupe to marry Tammy Marshall. Receives news the troupe may need to shut down.

MIDDLE: Impending financial problems and a need to lean what happened to his grandfather ignite Clark to investigate history and lore of lost Confederate gold. Organizes an expedition to find the gold.

ENDING: He is unaware that a potential rival is also planning to search for the lost gold and that the gold is protected by a monster.

Rough Draft

A stage actor blessed with an excellent memory and a love of research; Clark has returned home to marry Tammy Marshall. He learns that his acting troupe may shut

down. Faced with financial trouble he resurrects a plan to search for the lost Confederate gold.

He devises an expedition to the treacherous Dead Lakes, an area where his grandfather disappeared on a similar hunt several years before. His stubbornness and obsessiveness will either help locate the treasure or bring to himself and his search party to ruin.

OLLIE GRIER

Who is the character? Role in the show?

Protagonist, shrimp fisherman, wilderness guide, friend of Clark’s.

Noteworthy traits:

Loyal, protective, confident, tough, knows local wilderness

Intriguing history:

Searched for Clark’s missing grandfather.

Intrigue? Mystery?

Drug dealer, owes drug traffickers big money.

May have seen Amaruga.

How do they support or drive the conflict with others?

He’s in race with Grant to find the gold.

Has issues with Tammy.

Irony — Opposites or paradoxes that exist with the character.

A shrimp fisherman who id afraid of water.

Sold drugs to support family, now drug traffickers are threatening them.

Ollie openly dislikes Tammy but comes to depend on her survival skills.

Opposing agendas/etc. that naturally causes conflict with other characters

Disagreements with Clark regarding direction of expedition.

Unpredictable?

Need to pay drug traffickers and to protect family may cause him to panic and make bad decisions.

Intriguing relationship with one or more characters

Clark, Tammy, Grant

START: Shrimp fisherman and part time drug dealer, Ollie Grier declines his friend Clark Grady’s offer to join search for lo

MIDDLE: Is wrongly accused by drug traffickers of losing major drug shipment. Must find it or pay them. Decides to join search for the gold with hope of paying the drug traffickers.

ENDING: He will reluctantly lead the expedition burdened with the knowledge that the Amaruga monster does exist in the Dead Lakes region.

ROUGH DRAFT

Ollie’s expertise as a wilderness guide is sought by Clark Grady to lead his expedition for the lost gold. Ollie declines claiming exhaustion from his shrimp fishing and needing time with his wife and daughter.

Ollie is also a small-time drug dealer and when his suppliers blame him for a missing drug shipment, he must find it or pat for it. He joins the search for the gold with hope of paying the drug traffickers.

TAMMY MARSHALL

Who is the character? Role in the show?

Clark’s fiancé, Lucinda’s sister.

Noteworthy traits:

Athletic, adventurous, cunning, surly

Intriguing history:

Her wealthy family was ruined by takeover by Fairchild company

Intrigue? Mystery?

Supernatural abilities

How do they support or drive the conflict with others?

Support Clark’s and Ollie’s search for gold.

Irony — Opposites or paradoxes that exist with the character.

Plans to marry Clark but her plan on revenge of Grant could destroy their relationship.

Opposing agendas/etc. that naturally causes conflict with other characters

More interested in revenge than in finding gold.

Unpredictable?

Obsession to revenge Grant may jeopardize search

Intriguing relationship with one or more characters

Clark, Ollie, Grant

START: Tammy is preparing for her marriage to Clark Grady and helping him search planed search for the lost Confederate gold.

MIDDLE: When her sister Lucinda is found dead under suspicious circumstances Tammy discovers that Grant Fairchild is also organizing a search for the gold.

ENDING: Tammy decides to join Clark on the search with the intention of seeking revenge on Grant Fairchild.

Rough Draft

Tammy’s often surly, irritable disposition is under wraps as she happily prepares for her wedding to Clark Grady. This positive mood is broken with the discovery of her sister Lucinda’s death, a possible murder.

Tammy learns that Lucinda had uncovered information that Grant Fairchild, a family enemy, was secretly organizing a search for the gold. Tammy, an outdoors adventurer, decides to join Clark’s search with the intention of seeking revenge on Grant Fairchild.

GRANT FAIRCHILD

Who is the character? Role in the show?

Antagonist, wealthy Northerner

Noteworthy traits:

Ruthless, arrogant, manipulative, charming

Intriguing history:

Great- great- great grandson of Union soldier who attacked Confederate gold shipment.

Intrigue? Mystery?

His family business destroyed Tammy’s family business.

Collaborates with government, seeks Amaruga monster’s power

How do they support or drive the conflict with others?

He may behind Lucinda Marshall’s death.

He’s in race with Clark to find the gold.

His determined obsession heads others into danger.

Irony — Opposites or paradoxes that exist with the character

Cares for his family but willing to destroy others.

Opposing agendas/etc. that naturally causes conflict with other characters

Stop Clark from finding gold.

Unpredictable?

Betrays allies, crosses ethical lines, moments of vulnerability.

Intriguing relationship with one or more characters

Lucinda, Tammy, Clark, Ollie

Rough Draft

As the great- great- great grandson of Colonel Cassius Fairfield, the Union soldier who lead the attack on the Confederate gold shipment, Grant believes the lost gold is rightfully his. He also hopes to restore the tarnished Fairchild name that was tarnished when Cassius died insane while looking for the gold and claiming there was a monster.

Under the secret identity as Grant Cutter, he uses his money and charm to get information and the support of the Florida county for his expedition. His former military training and ruthlessness will create a fierce rivalry with Clark’s expedition. In collaboration with the US government his hidden goal is to capture the ancient Amaruga. He is totally unaware of the monsters true powers.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Intriguing Concept and World

I learned to be more precise and to the point in summarizing the concept and intriguing world,

1. Concept:

A. Engaging and highly proactive hero or group…

Local Floridians search the dangerous Dead Lakes for Confederate gold

lost during the Civil War.

B. up against a major conflict…

They encounter a rival group from the North also on the search.

C. goes on unique transformational journey…

The gold could elevate their lives or completely destroy them.

D. Into an intriguing world.

The gold is protected by the monster Amaruga and an immortal

Confederate soldier.

2. Intriguing World:

Unique Sub-World: The deep forests and swamps of the Dead Lakes of northern Florida, where the Amaruga, a mysterious and ancient creature, guards the lost Confederate gold. This sub-world is filled with ancient ruins, secret passages, and clues that lead the characters deeper into the heart of the forest.

Previously Unexplored: This hidden world has remained untouched for centuries, shielded by both natural barriers and the supernatural presence of the Amaruga. The characters will discover forgotten Confederate and Union campsites, remnants of the Civil War that have been concealed from the eyes of historians and treasure hunters.

The Unknown: The true nature of the mysterious Amaruga monster. The searchers uncover ancient rituals, Native American legends, and the true purpose of the creature in guarding the lost gold.

The Unseen: The spectral remnants of the Civil War, such as phantom Civil War soldiers. The characters must navigate through these supernatural elements while contending with the dangers of the physical world.

Unheard-of Dangers: Curses tied to the gold. The Amaruga, and the immortal Confederate soldier kill to protect the gold. The characters must navigate these supernatural elements while contending with the dangers of the physical world.

Reason to Explore It: Millions of dollars in gold. Clark is driven by family history, Ollie by financial troubles, Tammy seeks revenge, and Grant sees the gold as rightfully his.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick has completed the BW Framework!

I learned that the Framework is a great way to easily visualize a concise summary of the major elements of a project. I re-did some of the lesson prompts to try to improve the results. I understand that new ideas will be added as we progress.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Creating Irony!

I learned deeper understanding of what irony is and how it can be applied to our characters.

ASSIGNMENT 1 The Diplomat

– As the newly appointed US Ambassador to Britai, Kate Wyler is anything but formal, does not follow protocol, dislikes people and hates giving speeches.

– Kate Wyler is being groomed to become Vice President yet she plans on divorcing Hal.

– In order to stop the British Prime Minister from seeking revenge on Russia, Kate suggests the over-the-top plan to bomb Russia. Rather than bringing the PM to his senses, he welcomes the idea.

– Kate and the British Foreign Secretary meet with the Iranian Foreign Secretary to assure him they do not have a problem with Iran, Ironically the Iranian drops dead during the meeting.

ASSIGNMENT 2 THE DEAD LAKES

Situational Irony:

– The Amaruga, a monster that feasts on the dead, becomes the guardian of the lost Confederate gold, protecting it from those who seek to claim it for themselves. This is ironic as a creature associated with death becomes the protector of a valuable treasure.

– Irony lies in the fact that Grant Fairchild, the descendant of the Union soldier who attacked the Confederates, is now desperate to obtain the very treasure that his forebear was unable to obtain.

– Ollie works on a shrimp boat and is a wilderness guide yet he is terrified of being in water.

Verbal Irony:

– The verbal irony lies in Grant’s claim that he is seeking justice for his family, while his actions are driven by greed and power.

– Ollie, the outdoorsman and pragmatic character, consistently expresses skepticism about the existence of the Amaruga despite having witnessed glimpses of it in the past.

– Ollie openly dislikes Tammy yet comes to depend on and admire her athleticism and survival skills.

Character Irony:

– The irony is in the fact that while Clark is determined to succeed where his father failed, he might uncover truths about his father’s disappearance that he never anticipated.

Irony in Relationships:

– Old friends, Clark and Ollie often find themselves in heated arguments over the direction of their expedition. The irony lies in the fact that their pursuit of wealth strains their friendship, the very bond that brought them together in the first place.

– Tammy’s relationship with Clark is ironic in that while they plan a future together, her revenge on Grant could harm Clark and shatter their relationship.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Plot and Character Layers

I learned to ask questions and to sift through previous lessons to create more complex plot and character layers. This will add depth to the continuing story over the course of the season.

Assignment 1: The Diplomat

Kate Wyler is assigned as US Ambassador to Britain mainly to express Us condolences and support regarding the attack on the British destroyer.

The British PM and US President believe Iran is behind the attack. Kate, with husband Hal’s help, reveals it was actually a Russian who did the attack.

Kate discovers that the President wants her to be the new VP. Hall and other government staff have kept this secret from her.

Kate plans to divorce Hal. If so, she could not become VP.

Hal’s secret agenda is to become the Secretary of State.

Season one ends with implication that the British PM actually arranged for the attack on the ship.

Assignment 2: The Dead Lakes

Surface Layer:

In the dense forests of northern Florida, a group comprising Ollie Grier, Clark Grady, Tammy Marshall, and Grant Fairchild unite to uncover the lost Confederate gold, each harboring individual motives for the quest. Their alliances and conflicts shape the surface narrative.

Plot Layers:

Major Scheme Revealed:

As the characters delve deeper into the forest, they discover that the monster Sergeant Roland Johnson witnessed during the Civil War does exist. Local Indians called it the Amaruga.

Mystery Revealed:

Ollie Grier’s debt to drug traffickers conceals a deeper involvement in a criminal underworld that is vying for control of the gold for nefarious purposes, introducing a layer of mystery and danger to the quest.

Thought the Story Was One Thing, But It Is Another:

Initially, it seems like Grant Fairchild is solely motivated by family pride and a desire for wealth. However, a twist reveals that he is aware of the supernatural powers of the Amaruga and is pursuing it to exploit its power for personal gain.

Major Shift in Meaning:

The gold contains items from New Orleans that possess evil voodoo spells from New Orleans. This affects the behaviour of the searchers.

Hidden History:

Clark Grady’s father didn’t simply disappear during the initial search for the gold. He discovered the true nature of the Amaruga and the immortal Sergeant Johnson. He chose to stay behind to protect the world from the potential misuse of the gold’s power.

Hidden Plan:

Sergeant Roland Johnson, now revealed to be immortal due to the gold’s influence, still harbors resentment toward the Union and could exact revenge toward Northerners.

Character Layers:

Secret Identity:

When Grant Fairchild arrives in town, he presents himself as Grant Cutter as he researches and assembles his plans for the expedition.

Intrigue Layers:

Tammy Marshall’s family business and fortune was ruined by Grant Fairchild’s family, creating personal tension and hidden motives between her and Grant that go beyond the search for gold. She seeks revenge.

Hidden Relationships and Conspiracies:

Grant Fairchild discovers that his family has a dark history of attempting to control supernatural forces for personal gain, and they have been secretly working against the Amaruga for generations.

Hidden Character History:

Sergeant Roland Johnson’s backstory is slowly revealed. In the 1800s he met forest woman who taught him the secret power of gold that has caused them both to live ‘forever’. His struggles with immortality, and with protecting the gold are slowly revealed.

Hidden Agenda:

Ollie’s attempt to hide his connection with the drug traffickers and to protect the others from drug traffickers.

Tammy’s plan to harm/kill Grant Fairchild.

Grant’s deal with a government agency to capture and harness the powers of the Amaruga.

Wound:

Each character carries emotional wounds from their past, influencing their actions and decisions. Tammy’s financial ruin, Ollie’s criminal ties, Clark’s unresolved feelings about his father’s disappearance, and Grant’s family history all contribute to their personal struggles and growth throughout the series.

[Patrick Malone]

Module 1 Lesson 9: Inviting Obsession Through Open Loops

PATRICK’S BIG PICTURE OPEN HOOKS

I learned numerous ways to create open loops. AI gave me some good ideas to consider using.

Assignment 1: The Diplomat

Who/what country blew up the British aircraft carrier?

Will Kate adjust to being the new Ambassador to Britain?

Did Iran blow up the ship?

Will US president or the British prime minister attack Iran?

Who and why was Hal kidnapped?

Will Kate choose to become US vice president?

Will Kate divorce Hal?

Will Kate and British Foreign Secretary become romantically involved?

What position is Hal scheming for?

Will the British prime minister attack Russia?

Why did the British member of parliament want to meet with Hal and only with Hal?

Who and why was the British member of parliament blown up at his car? (The end of season one.)

Assignment 2:

My ideas

Does the Amaruga exist?

If it exists will the Amaruga attack the expeditions?

Will the expeditions find the gold?

Which group of searchers will find the gold, the Floridians or the Northerners?

Will these rival expeditions destroy one another?

Will Clark discover what happened to his father?

Will Ollie be able to pay the drug traffickers and save himself and his family?

Will Tammy avenge her family?

Who is Sergeant Roland Johnson?

ChatGPT Results

Open Loops for Season 1:

1. New Goals:

• Ollie discovers a hidden map that hints at a different location for the gold, leading to a divergence in the team’s objectives.

• Grant Fairchild learns about a legendary artifact rumored to increase the gold’s power, adding a new layer to his pursuit.

2. Goals Related to the Big Picture:

• The gold isn’t just a fortune; it’s a key to a supernatural realm, and whoever controls it can unlock unimaginable power.

• Ollie and Clark realize that finding the gold might be the only way to prevent a catastrophic event tied to the Amaruga.

3. Crushed Goals:

• Ollie’s initial plan to pay off his debts falls apart, forcing him into increasingly dangerous situations with the drug traffickers.

• Clark’s strategy to keep the search low-key crumbles when a mysterious figure starts trailing the team.

4. Competition/Conflict around Goals:

• Another group, aware of the gold’s supernatural properties, competes with Ollie and Clark, leading to a series of covert battles.

• Grant Fairchild hires a skilled tracker to shadow Ollie and Clark, creating constant tension and a game of cat and mouse.

5. Consequences:

• Ollie’s troubled past with drug traffickers resurfaces, putting not only him but the entire team in jeopardy.

• Uncovering the truth about the gold brings unintended consequences, awakening ancient guardians that were meant to remain dormant.

6. Problems Created from Past Actions:

• The discovery of a Confederate soldier’s journal sheds light on the monster witnessed during the Civil War, revealing a darker secret.

• Tammy’s efforts to reconcile with her family history inadvertently expose her to Grant Fairchild’s ruthless tactics.

7. Good Plans Gone Wrong:

• A well-thought-out expedition goes awry when a series of natural disasters are triggered by the supernatural forces protecting the gold.

• Ollie’s plan to outsmart the drug traffickers backfires, leading to increased pressure and danger.

8. Solving Problems:

• Ollie and Clark must find a way to break the curse that protects the gold, leading them on a journey into the heart of the supernatural.

• Grant Fairchild seeks ancient knowledge to exploit weaknesses in the Amaruga’s defense, putting him at odds with dark forces.

9. Major Change Imposed on Characters:

• Ollie discovers a latent ability connected to the gold, changing his role in the quest and making him a target for various factions.

• Clark learns a shocking truth about his father’s disappearance, reshaping his understanding of the gold’s significance.

10. Previous Solutions Cause New Problems:

• Ollie’s attempt to confront the drug traffickers head-on results in unforeseen consequences, escalating the danger for everyone.

• Grant Fairchild’s manipulation of a historical artifact inadvertently triggers a series of events that threaten to unleash chaos.

11. Relationships:

• Ollie and Clark’s friendship is strained when personal secrets emerge, creating a rift that could jeopardize the entire mission.

• Tammy’s connection with Grant Fairchild’s past adds tension to her relationship with Clark, as trust becomes a fragile commodity.

12. New Relationships Forming:

• Ollie forms an unexpected alliance with a local historian who possesses crucial information about the gold’s origin.

• Grant Fairchild recruits a skilled archaeologist who becomes entangled in the supernatural mysteries surrounding the gold.

13. Conflict Inside Relationships:

• The revelation of Tammy’s family history puts a strain on her relationship with Clark, who must confront his own family’s legacy.

• Ollie’s past connections with the drug traffickers create distrust within the team, leading to internal conflicts.

14. Relationships Changing:

• The supernatural elements of the gold alter the dynamics between the characters, as hidden loyalties and betrayals come to light.

• Ollie’s debt to the drug traffickers becomes a bargaining chip, changing alliances and alliances within the group.

15. Danger/Survival/Risks:

• The team faces a series of tests from the Amaruga, forcing them to confront their deepest fears and insecurities.

• Ollie’s risky decisions to escape the drug traffickers lead to unexpected alliances but also draw the attention of more dangerous adversaries.

16. Putting Themselves in Danger/Making Dangerous Decisions:

• Clark’s obsession with finding the gold pushes him to make increasingly dangerous decisions, endangering the entire team.

• Ollie’s desperation to settle his debts leads him down a perilous path, with consequences that echo throughout the season.

17. Who Else Is Pulled into Their Danger:

• A family connected to the gold’s history becomes unintentionally entangled in Ollie and Clark’s quest, putting them at risk.

• Grant Fairchild’s pursuit of the gold draws the attention of a secret society with its own agenda, adding a new layer of danger.

18. Internal Dangers:

• Ollie’s struggle with addiction resurfaces under the pressure of the quest, posing a threat to the team’s cohesion.

• The supernatural nature of the gold begins to affect the mental well-being of the characters, leading to internal conflicts and breakdowns.

[Patrick Malone]

AI Module 1 Lesson 8: Inviting Obsession Through Mystery

Patrick’s Inviting Obsession Through Mystery

I found that AI gave answers that were quite unrelated to my story. Therefore I improved the content of my concept and got some better responses.

ASSIGNMENT 1: The Diplomat

– Who, which country attacked the British aircraft carrier?

– Why is Kate Wyler suddenly appointed US Ambassador to Britain?

– Will Kate accept the position of Vice President?

– What position does Hal envision for himself if Kate becomes Vice President?

– What killed the Iranian Foreign Affairs minister’s death?

– Will Secretary of State Ganon run for President?

– Will British Prime Minister arrange to have US send warships into the Gulf to provoke Iran?

– Will British Prime Minister choose to bomb Russia?

– Did Roman Lenkov plan the attack on the British aircraft carrier?

– Will Kate and British Foreign Secretary Dennison persuade the French to allow them to arrest Lenkov?

– Did British Prime Minister hire Lenkov to attack the British aircraft carrier?

– Who blew up the car of the British MP?

ASSIGNMENT 2: The Dead lakess

Mystery 1: Opening Shocking Event Mystery

Shocking Event

Confederate soldiers transporting gold to a safe location are attacked by Union soldiers. Most are killed except for Union Colonel Cassius Fairfield and Confederates Sergeant Roland Johnson and a private. As Fairchild flees, a monstrous creature, the Amaruga, devours the corpses. Sergeant Johnson and the private escape with the gold.

Secret:

What is the monster? Where did Sergeant Johnson and the gold disappear to.

Investigation:

In 2023 local Floridians and a rival group of Northerners will search for the lost gold,

Who: Sergeant Roland Johnson

What is the monster.

When 1864

Where the forests of Northern Florida

How Johnson escape with the gold shipment

What we don’t know.

Who or what is the monster.

Where did Johnson and the gold disappear to.

Mystery 2: Over-Time Mystery

The Ongoing Search for the Gold by Ollie, Clark Tammy, and Grant.

Cover up:

The gold was hidden and is protected by Sergeant Roland Johnson who mysteriously is still alive.

Secret:

The Amaruga does exist and protects the gold.

Reveals:

Clark, Ollie and Tammy’s research and expedition uncover old journals, artifacts and other clues as to the location of the gold. Tammy seeks personal revenger on Grant Fairchild. The Amaruga threatens.

Part Withheld:

The location of the gold. The existence of Sergeant Roland Johnson. What happened to Clark’s missing father.

[Patrick Malone]

<b style=”background-color: var(–bb-content-background-color); font-family: inherit; color: var(–bb-body-text-color);”>Patrick’s Show Empathy/Distress

<b style=”background-color: var(–bb-content-background-color); font-family: inherit; color: var(–bb-body-text-color);”>ASSIGNMENT 1: The Diplomat

Kate Wyler

– Kate has difficulty adjusting to being the US Ambassador to Britain. Much of the protocols of her position are contrary to her impulsive, direct nature. She could be fired.

– She is being pressured by the President and Hal her husband to accept becoming the next US Vice President. She wants to divorce Hall.

– She is partially responsible for determining which country attacked the British ship. The British Prime Minister assumes it was Iran. Kate has a hard time dissuading him from that position.

– When it appears that Russia was behind the attack, Kate advised the Prime Minister to bomb Russia. She did not mean it.

Hal Wyler

– Hal is a very experienced former Ambassador. He is now second fiddle to his wife, Kate. He feels a lack of purpose as he is left out of the decision-making process.

– He loves Kate and wants to remained married. She wants to divorce him.

ASSIGNMENT 2: The Dead lakes

Ollie Grier

Distress:

A. Undeserved misfortune:

– Ollie is a small- time drug dealer. When a cocaine shipment goes missing the drug traffickers accuse him of losing drug shipment and demand he pay for the drugs under treat to himself and family.

B. External Character conflict:

– Rivalry with Grant Cutter to find lost gold

– Disagreements with Clark over direction of the expedition

C. Plot intruding on life.

– Appearance of Amaruga monster that wants to kill him and everyone

– Hurricane threatens his shrimp boat

D. Moral dilemmas:

-Whether to tell the others in his expedition that he suspects the Amaruga does exist.

E. Forced decisions they’d never make:

– Ollie is compelled to form an uneasy alliance with Grant Cutter (Fairchild) to fight the Amaruga.

Empathy:

A. Put them in distress:

– Ollie’s need to pay drug traffickers and fear for his and his family’s safety.

– His conflicts with Grant, disagreements with Clark.

– Threat of death by the Amaruga resonate with the audience

B. Make them relatable:

– Ollie’s concern for the well-being of his family comrades, and his desire to find the gold to improve their lives make him a relatable character

C. Universal experiences that are emotional:

– Ollie’s financial problems and threats to his life tap into the universal themes.

Clark Grady

Distress:

A. Undeserved misfortune.

-The loss of his father who vanished searching for the gold.

-The discovery that his father was betrayed by a close friend.

B. External Character conflicts.

– Conflicts with Ollie over direction of the expedition that threaten the success of their expedition.

– Rivalry with Grant over search for the gold.

– Threat of death by the Amauga.

C. Plot intruding on life.

– Appearance of the Amaruga monster that wants to kill him and everyone.

D. Moral dilemmas.

– Makes secret deal with Grant that whoever finds the gold they will split it with one another.

E. Forced decisions they’d never make.

– Compelled to form an uneasy alliance with Grant Cutter (Fairchild) to fight the Amaruga.

Empathy:

A. Put the character in distress.

– The distress of the gruelling expedition for the lost gold, his disagreements with Ollie, the threat of death by the Amaruga.

B. Make them relatable.

– His need to restore his family’s honor by proving his father was not crazy for looking for the gold.

C. Universal experiences that are emotional.

– Clark’s unraveling relationships and internal conflict tap into the universal themes of love, friendship, and the consequences of obsessive pursuits.

Grant Cutter (aka Grant Fairchild)

Distress:

A. Undeserved misfortune:

– He has inherited his wealthy Northern family’s hatred for the South.

-B. External Character conflicts.

– Opposition from Ollie and Clark to find the lost gold.

– Grant’s ruthless methods in pursuit of the gold puts him at odds with his own crew, leading to betrayals.

C. Plot intruding on life.

– Appearance of the Amaruga monster that wants to kill him and everyone.

D. Moral dilemmas.

– Grant is faced with the choice of sacrificing innocent lives to achieve his goal or abandoning the quest, challenging his ruthless nature.

– Forced to decide between his family’s legacy of hatred and a newfound understanding that challenges his preconceived notions, causing internal turmoil.

E. Forced decisions they’d never make.

– Must join forces with Ollie and Clark to fight the Amaruga, forcing him to confront his prejudices.

Empathy:

A. Put the character in distress.

– Pressure from his family to find the gold they believe rightfully should be theirs and restore the good name of their Civil War ancestor.

– The distress of the gruelling expedition for the lost gold.

– The threat of death by the Amaruga.

B. Make them relatable.

– His need to restore his family’s honor by proving his father was not crazy for looking for the gold.

C. Universal experiences that are emotional.

– Grant’s grappling with the complexities of family loyalty, personal identity,

Tammy Marshall

A. Undeserved misfortune:

– Her family business lost in a take-over by Grant Fairchild’s family creating financial hardships that impact her present life.

B. External Character conflicts:

– Seeks revenge on Grant Fairchild

– Disliked by Ollie

C. Plot intruding on life.

– realizes that Grant Cutter is actually Grant Fairchild

– Appearance of the Amaruga monster that wants to kill her and everyone.

D. Moral dilemmas.

– Seeking revenge on Grant puts Clark’s and Ollie’s lives and the expedition in danger.

E. Forced decisions they’d never make.

– Face the Amaruga alone rather than join forces with Grant.

Empathy:

A. Put the character in distress.

– Tammy’s financial struggles and the threat to her life make her a sympathetic character – The distress of the gruelling expedition for the lost gold.

– The threat of death by the Amaruga.

B. Make them relatable.

– Tammy’s determination to overcome adversity and protect those she cares.

C. Universal experiences that are emotional.

– Tammy’s internal conflict between self-preservation and loyalty taps into universal themes of survival and trust.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Show Relationship Map

This was difficult, but I learned to examine the more detailed aspects of the characters’ relationships.

ASSIGNMENT 1: THE DIPLOMAT

Kate Wyler relationship with Hal Wyler

Surface: married

Common Ground: both diplomats

Conflict: Hal’s meddling in her business

History: he is an experienced ambassador, she was a lower diplomate, now an ambassador

Subtext: she hates his interference and causing problems

Relationship Arc: from pushing him away to seeking his counsel

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Kate Wyler relationship with Austin Dennison British (Foreign Secretary)

Surface: diplomatic associates

Common Ground: peacefully resolve attack on British ship, stop PM from attacking Iran or Russia

Conflict: she has unorthodox methods, he goes by the book

History: physically attracted to each other

Subtext: admire the others abilities

Relationship Arc: from differing to understanding, perhaps to romantic

ASSIGNMENT 2: DEAD LAKES

Ollie Grier relationship with Clark Grady

Surface: old friends from childhood

Common Ground: want to find the gold

Conflict: argue/ fight over direction of expedition

History: helped Grant’s grandfather search for the gold years ago

Subtext: petty conflicts and jealousies

Relationship Arc: growing trust

Ollie Grier relationship with Tammy Marshall

Surface: acquaintances, she is Clark’s fiancé

Common Ground: both experienced with the wilderness, keep Clark safe

Conflict: he doesn’t like her, finds her haughty

History: she once blocked him from getting a job

Subtext: she is attracted to him

Relationship Arc: he’ll come to respect and rely on her survival skills

Ollie Grier relationship with Grant Cutter (aka Grant Fairchild)

Surface: rivals

Common Ground: on the trail of the gold

Conflict: in competition find the gold, intense rivalry

History: he purposely misled Grant as to where to search for gold

Subtext: strong dislike, mistrust

Relationship Arc: possibly work together to fight the Amaruga

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Character Emotions

ASSIGNMENT 1: The Diplomate

KATE WYLER

A. Situational: Hope: be good Ambassador, prevent war/ failure

B. Motivation: success / respect

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion: anger, frustration / Public Mask: blunt, speaks her mind

D. Weaknesses: impulsive

E. Triggers: being told what to do

F. Coping Mechanism: pushes ahead to do what she wants

HAL WYLER

A. Situational: Hope: Kate become VP / she refuses

B. Motivation: ups his position / respect, valued for his knowledge

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion: rash behavior / Public Mask: confident professional

D. Weaknesses: impulsive

E. Triggers: being told what to do, Hal’s interference

F. Coping Mechanism: drinks

ASSIGNMENT 2: Dead Lakes

OLLIE GRIER

A. Situational: Hope: find the gold / Fear: be killed by Amaruga

B. Motivation: Want: money / Need: payoff drug suppliers

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion: control, fear of Amaruga / Public Mask: tough, independent

D. Weaknesses: loneliness

E. Triggers: bullying, injustice

F. Coping Mechanism: fights back

CLARK GRADY

A. Situational: Hope: find the gold / Fear: lose respect

B. Want: gold, money / Need: recognition, learn what happened to grandfather

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion: obsessive / Public Mask: easy going

D. Weaknesses: ill prepared for the wilderness

E. Triggers: being challenged

F. Coping Mechanism: lashes out then shuts down

GRANT CUTTER (aka Grant Fairchild)

A. Situational: Hope: find the gold / Fear: Clark will beat him to gold

B. Motivation: Want: the gold / Need: restore family name

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion: greed, control/ Public Mask: friend to all

D. Weaknesses: ego driven, arrogant

E. Triggers: disrespect

F. Coping Mechanism: controls, manipulates

TAMMY MARSHALL

A. Situational: Hope: stay safe / Fear: death

B. Motivation: Want: harm Grant Fairchild / revenge

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion: loss of self-esteem / Public Mask: confident, successful

D. Weaknesses: anger, hateful

E. Triggers: injustice, cheaters

F. Coping Mechanism: fights back

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

PATRICK’S INTRIGUING CHARACTER LAYERS

By analysing the episodes of The Diplomate, I learned to look for and recognize the various elements that create intriguing characters.

I brainstormed intriguing layers for my characters with some success. Got a few more ideas from the Ai prompt. Some aren’t that good. Hope they’ll improve as I develop the series.

ASSIGNMENT 1:

The Diplomate

• Hidden agendas:
• – US President, Hal, Stuart, Eidra Park, Billy secretly vet Kate for VP<div>

• – British Prime Minister wants US to send ships to rescue crew of bombed aircraft carrier, but what he really wants is for the US ships to appear to be a a strike force.

• Competition: Hal competes with Kate. He’s no longer an ambassador but can’t help playing the game and interfering with Kate’s role.

• Conspiracy: Kate, Austin Dennison & Eidra Park conspire to sneak Kate into meeting with Iranian Ambassador.

• Secrets:
• – US President, Hal, Stuart, Eidra Park, Billy secretly vet Kate for VP

– Kate plans on divorcing Hal
• Deception:
•

– Kate deceives secret service so she unauthorized phone call

– British Prime Minister deceives President into believing sending ships to the Gulf is a rescue mission

• Wound:

– while Kate packed for her job as Ambassador to Afghanistan, she is re-routed to Britain, she would rather be Ambassador to Afghanistan.
•

– Hal no longer an ambassador or a diplomate

• Secret Identity: make up lady was a kidnapper.

ASSIGNMENT 2:

Dead Lakes

<b style=””>Ollie Grier

Role: Wilderness expert, lead guide of the expedition

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Hidden Agendas:

Determined to find the lost Confederate gold not only for the financial gain but he’ll be able to pay drug suppliers.

Competition:

In competition with Grant Cutter, the Northerner, to locate the gold.

Conspiracies:

Ollie suspects there’s a local conspiracy to protect the secrets of the monster and the gold. He’s determined to uncover the truth.

Secrets:

Ollie owes big bucks to his drug suppliers; he is desperate to get money for the gold or he and family will be in danger.

He has seen the Amaruga years before but won’t admit its existence to Clark and the others.

Deception:

Ollie uses his expertise as a wilderness guide to manipulate situations in the expedition. He might mislead others to keep his true intentions hidden.

Wound:

Ollie witnessed a past traumatic experience with the Amaruga in the wilderness, which haunts him throughout the expedition.

Secret Identity:

He conceals that he is a drug dealer. Also, he may be related to Sergeant Roland Johnson and possesses some of the same supernatural powers.

Clark Grady

Role: historian and driving force behind the quest, initiating and devising the plan to uncover the gold. 1. Hidden Agendas:

is determined to find the lost Confederate gold not only for the financial gain but because he believes it will bring him recognition and fame in the world of treasure hunting and folklore.

2. Competition:

Compete with Grant Cutter and the Northern treasure hunters.

Competitive with Ollie over leadership of expedition.

3. Conspiracies:

The Civil War era is rife with conspiracies, Clark’s could unearth long-buried secrets and conspiracies.

4. Secrets:

Plans on keeping most of gold for himself.

5. Deception:

Clark’s might manipulate situations to protect his interests.

6. Wound:

Clark’s grandfather vanished years ago while searching for the gold.

7.Secret Identity:

Grant Cutter (Grant Fairchild)

Role: Northerner, knowledgeable about history of the gold. Wants to find the gold.

Hidden Agendas:

Grant has a hidden agenda to ruin the reputations and lives of the Southerners.

Competition:

Grant competes with Ollie and Clark to locate the gold.

Conspiracies:

Grant has a hidden agenda to ruin the reputations and lives of the Southerners.

Secrets:

Wants to redeem his family’s good name.

Deception:

Grant might manipulate the situation to his advantage and use his knowledge to deceive the others.

Wound:

Grant carries a psychological wound from growing up with the stigma of his ancestor’s actions

Secret Identity:

He is actually Grant Fairchild the great great grandson of Colonel Cassius Fairfield the Union soldier who lead the attack on the Confederate gold convoy.

Tammy Marshall

Role: athletic and determined character actively involved in the search for the gold. Her physical capabilities and determination make her an integral part of the team. Clark’s fiancé.

Hidden Agendas:

Revenge Grant for ruining her family fortune.

Competition:

Tammy’s athleticism could make her a competitive force within the group, leading to tensions and rivalries among team members.

Conspiracies:

Uncovers historical secrets that she was previously unaware of, leading to a shift in her perspective and loyalties.

Secrets:

Origins of her family’s wealth.

Deception:

Tammy could find herself in a situation where she needs to engage in deception to protect the team or herself.

Wound:

Her former fiancé drowned. Makes her protective of Clark.

Secret Identity:

Her family wealth was established on finding some of the lost Confederate gold.

•

</div>

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Engaging Main Characters

From watching the episode of The Diplomate, I learned that not all main characters display all of the engaging character elements in an episode. Some do while others may show just one or two of the elements.

Using AI helped me flush out some new ideas for my characters. Some suggestions I ignored.

ASSIGNMENT 1

THE DIPLOMATE

KATE WYLER

A. Role in the show: assigned to be Ambassador to Britain. Unknown to her this is a test to see if she will make a good VP.

• B. Unique Expertise: years of diplomatic service

Purpose: show US sympathy to British sailor victims of bombed aircraft carrier.

C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? She plans to divorce husband Hal. This would disqualify her from becoming VP. She contacted CIA analysist to trace cell phone calls without seeking permission.

D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? ???

• E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? She is impulsive, frank. When she learns Hal knew all along, she was being groomed to be VP she goes ballistic and attacks him. <div>

• F. Empathetic: Why do we care? She is under much pressure, must deal with new bureaucrats in England who do not understand her. She has difficult time getting them to listen to her despite her expertise. Hal’s meddling makes her look bad, causes problems.

HAL WYLER

• A. Role in the show: a former ambassador, Kate’s husband </div><div>

• B. Unique Expertise: expert ambassador and diplomate Purpose: initially to help Kate settle into new job. Convince her to accept VP position.

C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? He constantly meddles behind Kate’s back. He is the one who initiated contact with Rasoul Shahin the Deputy Foreign Minister of Iran and set up his own ‘kidnapping’.

D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? He constantly lies.

• E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? He loves to get involved with Kates diplomatic affairs. What will he do next to cause her trouble and turmoil?</div><div>

• F. Empathetic: Why do we care? He can’t get being an ambassador out of his system and is therefore compelled to get involved. He is also just trying to help his wife and wants to remain married to her.

<div>

STUART HAYFORD

A. Role in the show: deputy chief of mission
B. Unique Expertise: has spent years in this position.

B. Purpose: to guide Kate and judge if she would make a good VP.

C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? Knows all along Kate is being considered for VP.

NICOL TROWBRIDGE

A. Role in the show: British Prime Minister.

D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? He wants US to send in warships to the Gulf as a strike force. However, if he asks the US President to do this he’ll refuse. So, the PM lies by claiming the British aircraft carrier is sinking and asks the President to send a rescue mission. The President agrees and plans to send in naval ships for the rescue. The PM will get what he desires as the US ships presence will appear as a strike force and could provoke attacks by the Iranians.</div><div>

WILLIAM RAYBURN

A. Role in the show: US President

D. Moral Issue: When Kate informs him that the PM lied about the ship sinking, he must decide whether or not to still send the rescue mission ships. If he sends them it will look like a strike force. If he doesn’t it will appear he is not supporting Britain.

ASSIGNMENT 2

DEAD LAKES:

During the Civil War, Confederate soldiers were transporting gold from New Orleans to Columbus, Georgia for safekeeping. In the forests of northern Florida, a band of Union soldiers attacked the Confederates to steal the gold. The Union was defeated. The two surviving Confederates, Sergeant Roland Johnson and a private, witnessed a monster appear and eat the dead bodies of the fallen soldiers. They escaped with the gold. It never reached Columbus. Now, local Floridians Clark Grady and Ollie Grier are on the search for this lost Confederate gold.

OLLIE GRIER

• A. Role in the show: works on shrimp boat, outdoors man, good friend of Clark’s.</div><div>

• B. Unique Expertise: well familiar with the forests, swamps of the Dead Lakes.
• Purpose is to safely guide expedition to Dead Lakes.

• C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? He’s afraid of water. Deals drugs – owes money to his suppliers. They have threatened him and family.

• D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? In the past he saw the Amaruga but denies its existence – does not want hunt cancelled. Needs gold to pay suppliers.

• E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? His impulsiveness and need deep make it uncertain whether he will act out of fear or greed. He may betray others, and resort to violence.

• F. Empathetic: Why do we care? As the guide he must protect the others from many physical and supernatural dangers. Without the gold he and his family are in danger from the drug suppliers.

CLARK GRADY

• A. Role in the show: initiate and devise plan to find lost Confederate gold.</div><div>

.
• B. Unique Expertise: knowledgeable about local and Civil War history. Purpose: lead expedition to the gold.

C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? He plans on selling the gold and keeping most of the money.

• D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? Plans to cheat his friends.

E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? Clark’s obsession with the gold may lead him to make decisions that put the team at risk.

F. Empathetic: Why do we care? Because of his dedication to the treasure hunt, his ties to history, and his complex morality..

GRANT FAIRCHIELD

• A. Role in the show: Northerner, ancestor of Union soldier who attempted to steal the gold from the Confederates in Civil War.</div><div>

• B. Unique Expertise: knowledgeable about history of the gold. Purpose: lead his expedition to the gold.

C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? He appears to be charming but is ruthless and hates Southerners. He may plot revenge against the Confederate descendants.

D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? Will he kill to get the gold?

• E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? </div><div>

• F. Empathetic: Why do we care? As a descendant of the union soldier, he feels it his rightful claim to the gold.

SERGEANT ROLAND JOHNSON

• A. Role in the show: former Confederate soldier.</div><div>

• B. Unique Expertise: military expertise, supernatural powers
• Purpose: to protect the gold
• C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? He is still alive today. The gold gives him life.

• D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing?

• E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? Capable of anything to protect the gold.

F. Empathetic: Why do we care? Because of the guilt he carries and his unique perspective on the gold’s legend and the monster.

Amaruga (the monster):

A. Role in the show: The primary antagonist of the series, guarding the lost Confederate gold and terrorizing anyone who comes near it.

B. Unique Purpose/Expertise: Amaruga is a supernatural creature with the ability to consume the dead and protect the cursed treasure.

C. Intrigue: Amaruga’s origin and the source of its immortality are shrouded in mystery, making it an enigmatic and terrifying presence.

D. Moral Issue: Amaruga is an amoral force and doesn’t consciously cross moral boundaries.

E. Unpredictable: As the Amaruga follows its primal instincts it makes for a formidable and unpredictable adversary.

F. Empathetic: The Amaruga isn’t empathetic.

</div></div>

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Three Circles of Characters

I learned that categorizing characters into the three circles helps clarify which roles are most important.

There are some characters in The Diplomate that I am unsure which circle they belong or should even be included. For example, the US president is an important character but he is only referred to, does not appear, in this episode.

ASSIGNMENT 1

THE DIPLOMATE

A. Main Characters Circle:

Kaye Wyler – the Ambassador, Hal Wyler – her husband, Stuart Hayford – deputy chief of mission, Nicol Trowbridge – British Prime Minister, Eidra Park – CIA station chief, Austin Dennison – UK Foreign Secretary

B. Connected Circle:

Rasoul Shahin – Deputy Foreign Minister of Iran, Miguel Ganon – US Secretary of State, Frances Munning – manager Ambassador’s residence, Pensy – manager’s assistant, Howard – CIA, Margaret Roylins – former campaign manager of Conservative Party, Carole -Kate’s intel contact.

C. Environment Circle:

kidnappers, Embassy staff, residence staff, photographers, makeup artists, wardrobe people, security, police, military, driver, grieving family members,

ASSIGNMENT 2

After creating my version of the series characters, AI added other details as well as new characters. I will decide which to use as I develop the story.

A. Main Characters Circle:

Ollie Grier – works on shrimp boat, outdoorsman, wilderness expert, trail guide

Clark Grady: historian – expedition leader, obsessed with finding the gold

Grant Fairchild – rich Northerner ruthless rival of Ollie and Clark

Sergeant Roland Johnson – Confederate soldier who is still alive today, guards the gold

Amauga – the monster, eats dead bodies, guards the gold

B. CONNECTED CIRCLE

Tammy Marshall – athletic, determined, Clark’s fiancé

Bill Merriweather – friend of Clark and Ollie, experienced adventurer who provides valuable

support.

Emmett Floyd – oyster shucker by trade, is the heavy lifter for the expedition, not

trustworthy

Laurelie Grier – Ollie’s supportive wife,

Rebecca Grady Clarks’ mother who disapproves of her son’s dangerous pursuit of the gold

Presley Grier- 4-year-old daughter of Ollie & Laurelie

Max Sedgwick – Grant’s right hand man, protector, dangerous

Young/Old woman – mysterious wife of Sergeant Johnson

C. Environment Circle:

Mike Buckley – riverboat captain

Men in Grant’s expedition

local historian

shrimpers

bar waitress

bar patrons

[Patrick Malone]

THE DIPLOMATE 5 STAR MODEL

I learned not to view the show just as entertainment but to scrutinize it in great detail looking for the elements that fit the 5 star model. I did discover that all 5 are in this series pilot. It’s given me a better understanding of this model. From this show I also learned something about the workings of international diplomacy and the role of ambassadors.

OUTLINE

– British aircraft carrier is bombed by unknown assailant

– Kate Wyler, a career diplomat is about to be the Ambassador to Afghanistan

– she is called to meet with US President who wants her to go to London as the new Ambassador to England

– she and husband Hal go; he has been an ambassador and will help Kate adjust to the position

– she is to express US grief and concern for the deaths of British sailors, and help learn who did the bombing

– she does not like the British pomp and ceremony

– Stuart Hayford the Deputy Chief who guides Kate

– Billie Appiah, WH Chief of Staff confides to Stuart that Kate is being considered to replace the VP. Kate is unaware of this

– Austin Dennison British Foreign Secretary and Prime Minister Nicol Trowbridge meet with Kate, they are worried by the Presidents threat to “light up Iran”.

– Kate realizes Hal manipulated this meeting

– while Kate lays a wreath at a naval ceremony in honor of the dead sailors, Hal meets with Meg Roylin an enemy of the PM

-US mission discovers an Iranian military boat in the vicinity of the carrier around the time of the attack

-Secretary of State Miguel Ganon zooms with Kate, is annoyed she meet with the PM

– Ganon wants to fire Kate

– Kate agrees to a glamorous photo shoot and Vogue interview to bolster her image.

– Stuart discovers the Kate checked that sheets were on the bed in the quest room – he suspects Kate & Hall do not sleep together

– Kate admits to Stuart she is getting divorced

– Stuart confronts Hal, Kate can’t be VP if divorced, Hal says Kate loves him and will change her mind

– at photo shoot Hal is kidnapped.

1. Big Picture Hooks

Who bombed the British ship?

Will Kate adjust to being and have success as the Ambassador to England?

2. Amazing and Intriguing Character

Kate Wyler:

Experienced, intelligent career diplomat.

Non-conformist. Does not like formality. Speaks her mind. Assertive. Hates cameras, microphones, speeches and people.

Hal Wyler

Experienced, intelligent former Ambassador.

Does not follow protocol. Conniving. Causes chaos. Sense of humor.

3. Empathy / Distress

Kate Wyler:

Does not want to be Ambassador to England where she feels she’ll just be an emotional support dog. Would rather go to Afghanistan to do more substantive work.

Stressful situation as she must adjust to this, learn who to deal with and is expected to help discover who bombed the British ship.

She must deal with her husband who manipulates things behind her back. He made one phone call that caused the Secretary of State want to fire Kate.

We are concerned that she will be fired, will succeed in her new position and discover the terrorist bomber.

Hal Wyler:

As a former Ambassador he is at loose ends. He feel compelled to step over the line to help his wife.

He is confronted by Stuart who tells him Kate will be let go if they divorce. He does not want a divorce.

He is drugged and kidnapped.

4. Layers / Open Loops

Who bombed the British ship?

Will Kate succeed as Ambassador?

Will Kate become vice president?

Will Hal mess things up for Kate? Will he get into trouble?

Will the Secretary General fire Kate?

The manager of the Ambassador’s residence discovers Kate & Hal don’t sleep together. Kate plans a divorce. Will they divorce?

Will the US president “light up Iran”?

Who kidnapped Hal and why?

5. Inviting Obsession We are compelled to continue to watch to learn the answers to many questions and the outcomes of unresolved situations.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone

I have written 2 screenplays and 3 TV pilots. Just completed the pitch bible for a series. That was much harder than writing a script. Have 3 other concepts on the back burner.

By delving into AI, I hope to improve brainstorming and be able to write faster. I took the original Binge Worthy course and will use this one as a refresher.

I have a long career as a film editor. Love to travel, love dogs and other critters. I worked with Sonny Grosso, one of the detectives The French Connection was based on.

Other ScreenwritingU courses I’ve taken include Thriller, Horror, Subtext and Writing Assignments.

Looking forward to learning, sharing and having fun with all of you.

[Patrick Malone]

I’ve already posted my intro to this group.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Patrick Malone]

WEEK 2 FEEDBACK EXCHANGE

“Lonnie Meets Skye” scene from screenplay written by Patrick Malone

Background:

It’s 1963. Lonnie, 19, and friend Rusty, 17, are on Venice Beach tram heading to a surfing spot. Two young women, mid-twenties, board the tram. Skye will come to have a major influence on Lonnie.

EXT. VENICE BEACH – DAY

Lonnie and Rusty ride the tram along the boardwalk. Their eyes are glued to the breaking waves.

LONNIE

Some heavies are rolling in.

RUSTY

Yeah, they’re stacking, man.

The tram stops. SKYE and AIMEE, both mid-twenties, hop on. Skye sits barefoot next to Lonnie. He shifts to make space.

SKYE

That’s okay, lots of room.

Lonnie eyes light up. Skye, a bright, attractive long-haired brunette, wears a t-shirt, blue jeans, several bracelets and beaded necklaces. Aimee is a strawberry blonde in a long colorful tunic and leather sandals. Her fingers adorned with rings.

SKYE (CONT’D)

(to Aimee)

…and the incense, man that cheap Mexican stuff,

overpowered the place. So, we headed to the canyon

and had the best séance.

Lonnie gives the women a curious glance.

SKYE (CONT’D)

Anyhow, something exceptional is on my horizon.

AIMEE

(excited)

No. Not the manager position?

Skye removes a pack of Tarot cards from her bag.

SKY

These confirmed it.

AIMEE

Wow. It’s about time, Skye.

Lonnie peeks at the cards.

LONNIE

How about some poker?

SKYE

(chuckles)

No, you use these for readings. Tarot cards. They reveal the

unknown, the future. When is your birthday?

LONNIE

Ah, December. The fifth.

AIMEE

Sagittarius.

SKYE

Full of crazy creative energy.

RUSTY

Hey, yeah. We have a rock band, The Pipeliners.

AIMEE

Cool.

SKYE

Not surprised.

EXT. SANTA MONICA BEACH – DAY

The tram stops at the Santa Monica Pier and all disembark.

SKYE

You should come hang out. I can do

a reading for you.

LONNIE

Ah, it sounds a bit scary.

RUSTY

We gotta catch some waves.

AIMEE

You can find us down by the pier. Southside.

SKYE

Hang ten boys.

The girls start across the beach.

LONNIE

What’s your name?

RUSTY

Come on, let’s get the boards.

LONNIE

(shouts)

Hey.

Skye turns.

SKYE

Call me Skye.

The girls scamper across the sand to their friend WENDY.

RUSTY

Nice honeys.

LONNIE

Beatniks.

TRIPPY MUSIC starts.

[Patrick Malone]

Week 2 Day 5: Attraction – A STAR IS BORN

1st view:

• Where do you see attraction show up for Ally?

Right off the top when she composes a song about Jack. She seems to know something deeper about him. Also, when she feels comfortable enough with him to stand and sing a song she’s been working on.

• Where do you see attraction show up for Jack?

At the beginning when he realizes that the song she just made up is about him. He is impressed. He is blown away when she stands and sings the song she was working on. He says, “I think you might be a songwriter.” Also, when he kisses her hand.

• What is causing that attraction?

Jack is attracted to her song writing talent and probably her singing voice. She is attracted to him because he is a famous star who is showing an interest in her.

2nd view:

• What drama is this scene built around?

It is built around their mutual interest and talent in music.

• What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

right character – both musicians, song writers

traits: Ally – talented, sincere, emotional, trusting

Jack – talented, kind, receptive

wound: Ally – hurt, frustrated not having her talent fully recognized or having a proper outlet

for it.

Jack- some hidden hurt

[Patrick Malone]

Week 2 Day 4: Triangle – OCEAN’S 11

1st view:

• What makes this love triangle interesting?

Tess is surprised that Danny shows up. That he is just out of prison. That Danny gives her advise about here love life (she shouldn’t be involved with Terry). That Terry owns the casino and that Danny plans to rob it.

• Where do you see secrets, intrigue, and emotional needs?

What crime did Danny commit? Why does he want to get reinvolved with Tess? What happened in New York that ruined Tess’s life? Has Danny changed and given up being a thief?

• Where do you see conflict between each point of the triangle?

Danny wants Tess back in his life but Tess wants nothing to do with Danny. Terry knows Danny is an ex-con and probably doesn’t trust him with Tess or his motives for being in the casino.

2nd view:

• What drama is this scene built around?

It is built around Danny showing unexpectedly. We and Tess and wonder what he really wants. Also, that Tess wants him out of her life and she is now with Terry.

• What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions.

– right character: Tess, he new lover Terry and ex husband Danny create the perfect triangle

– traits: Danny: confident, conniving, deceitful, charming

Tess: angry, hurt, strong,

Terry: successful, confident

– secret: Tess and Danny-what happened in New York?

– wound: Tess- hurt by Danny’s life of crime

[Patrick Malone]

Week 2 Day 3: Power Struggle – REMEMBER THE TITANS

1st Viewing:

• How is this power struggle created?

It is created when the white captain tells the black coach that he is the only All American on the team. He proceeds to tell the coach only a few black players will play on the offence and that only his white teammates will play on defense.

• What is it about these characters that demand this power struggle?

Gary the white player feels superior to blacks, including the black coach. He wants to put him and the black players in their place which is that they really are not needed on the team. He tries to bully the coach.

The coach obviously has experience dealing with racial discrimination and intimidation. He knows how to respond. As the coach and as a man he must show his strength and leadership to gain the authority and respect of the white players.

• How does each character’s audience influence and depend upon this power struggle?

Gary presumes he has the support of the white coaches and his mother and thus is confident in confronting the black coach.

The coach must show his strength to prove his authority to Gary and the white coaches, team and the mother.

2nd viewing:

• What drama is this scene built around?

It is built around Gary bullying the coach by telling him who gets to play, and the coach countering by humiliating the boy in front of all. He makes the boy admit that he, the coach, is in charge, that this is his team, not Gary’s.

• How are they expressing their Profile (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) through their words and actions?

– right character: the coach and Gary have opposing views on who runs the team

– traits: coach: intelligent, confident, powerful, reasonable

Gary: racist, bully, coward, misplaced superiority

– wound: coach – probably discriminated against in past

Gary – burdened with expectations to excel by parents and coaches

– future: probable conflict between the two; possible that Gary grows to respect the coach.

[Patrick Malone]

Week 2 Day 2: Mismatched Allies – GREEN BOOK

1st Viewing:

• How mismatched are these two?

They are totally mismatched. Tony is uneducated, street smart, with poor vocabulary. Doc is educated, sophisticated, well spoken. Tony may be racist. Doc feels superior, he sits on a throne and wears an emperor’s robe.

• What do they have to get over to be able to work together and become friends?

Tony has to get over working for a black man. Doc has to adjust to Tony’s unsophisticated, rough ways.

• Knowing that Tony gets the job, how does this mismatch create a future for both characters?

It could well create conflicts and misunderstandings.

As well as driving, Tony will need to protect Doc in certain situations. They will have to come to tolerate, understand and appreciate each other and their differences. Perhaps they will come to respect each other and even become friends.

2nd viewing:

• What drama is this scene built around?

It is built around the mis-matched characters. Neither can truly relate to the other. There is drama as to whether Doc can accept low-class Tony, will Tony accept working for a black man, and will he be offered the job.

• What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

Tony: poor, uneducated, tough, hard- working, racist.

Doc: intelligent, educated, talented, sophisticated, snob.

[Patrick Malone]

Week 2 Day 1: Belonging Together – SEABISCUIT

1st Viewing:

• What causes you to believe these two belong together?

Seabiscuit is wild, he has a tantrum is his stall, fights off three handlers, and attacks the would-be jockey. The trainer sees Red fighting off four attackers. Both Seabiscuit and Red and spirited and fighters. The trainer sees that Red could be the kind of jockey to handle Seabiscuit.

• Notice any similar emotions, words, and actions.

The trainer says Seabiscuit has spirit and can be a little touchy. Red yells at his attackers, “Come on, I’ll take you all on.”, revealing his fighting spirit. Both the horse and Red are angry.

2nd viewing:

• What drama is this scene built around?
• The drama is built around the trainer needing a jockey who can ride Seabiscuit. The trainer wants to show the horse’s abilities to a potential new owner. The horse is not accommodating. Perhaps Red is the answer.
• What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

– right character: horse and Red are spirited fighters

– traits: horse and Red are angry

– would/secret: Why is Seabiscuit so wild and angry? Why is Red being attacked?

– Future: Red will; become Seabiscuit’s jockey.

[Patrick Malone]

Week 2 Day 1: Belonging Together – SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

1st Viewing:

• What causes you to believe these two belong together?

They are both lonely and are wanting/needing someone to love. Sam says as much to Dr. Marsha. At the start of the call Annie is smiling and taking it in lightly. She seems cynical. But as Sam explains the loss of his wife, Annie becomes more series and thoughtful. She seems sympathetic and empathetic.

• Notice any similar emotions, words, and actions.

When Dr. Marsha says that she doesn’t want to invade Sam’s privacy, both he and Annie respond “Sure you do.”

When Dr. Marsha suggests Sam needs someone Annie answers “Yes.” for both Sam and for herself.

Annie’s expression changes from smiling to thoughtful and concerned.

2nd viewing:

• What drama is this scene built around?

It is built around Sam exposing his lonely situation, missing his wife, and the reactions of Annie listening in. The presence of Sam’s son adds to the drama.

• What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

Right Characters: both alone, needing someone to love

Traits: both are emotional, caring

Secret: What happened to Annie to put her here?

Wound: Sam misses his wife. Annie’s wound is implied – loneliness.

Future: it is implied that Sam and Annie will somehow meet.

[Patrick Malone]

Week 1 Day 5: Character Wound – GOOD WILL HUNTING

1st viewing:

• What causes both characters to reveal their wounds?

Skylar asking Will to come with her to California and then asking him what he is afraid of.

• How are those wounds motivating their emotions, actions, and reactions?

Skylar loves Will and wants their relationship to continue and to grow. She doesn’t want her heart broken again.

Will questions her motives. He verbally attacks her saying she just wants a fling with a guy from the wrong side of town. That she’ll drop him to marry some rich, spoiled prick.

• How is each character threatening the other’s wound?

Will is afraid that Skyler may learn something negative about him, lose interest in him and leave him stuck alone in California.

He is afraid to step out of his protective safety zone and is afraid of abandonment.

Skyler is afraid that Will doesn’t love her.

2nd viewing:

• What drama was this scene built around?

It is built around Skylar asking Will to go to California, his questioning her why and her asking what he is afraid of. And it is built around their wounds.

• What traits showed up in these character’s words and actions?

Will: anger, insecurity, judgemental, defensive, frightened

Skylar: sincere, caring, loving, perhaps needy

[Patrick Malone]

Week 1 Day 4: Secrets and Reveals – LOST

1st viewing:

• How is Kate’s secret set up?

The injured man has handcuffs and mug shots of Kate. She has been arrested for some crime.

When she and the other man play “I Never’, she reveals that she has killed a man.

As she helps the drunkard to bed, he grabs her and says she is beautiful. She pulls away and is obviously disgusted with him. As she drives off, the house explodes. I assume she set the explosion to kill the drunk.

• What causes demand to know what the secret is?

The handcuffs and mug shots make us wonder what she committed. When she admits to having killed a man, we wonder who and why.

• How is Kate’s secret revealed?

At first it is hinted at, then she implies that she killed a man, and finally in a flashback it is revealed she blew a house up killing a man.

2nd viewing

• What drama was this scene built around?

It is built around intrigue. Each scene hints at a secret. When the house explodes, we are intrigued to know was Kate responsible for the explosion and if so why.

• What traits showed up in these character’s words and actions?

Jack: dutiful, curious

Sawyer: playful, self-assured, controlling

Kate: easy going, self-assured, reasonable

[Patrick Malone]

Week 1 Day 3: The “Right Characters” for this story! – THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE

1st viewing:

• Where is Junah coming from?

He has a past as a successful pro golfer. He seems to be financially secure. But he has lost his ‘swing’, his identity.

• Where is Bagger Vance coming from?

He appears in the night, seemingly out of nowhere. He knows much about Junah. He mystical, perhaps from another dimension.

• What makes them right for their roles in this movie?

Junah is struggling to regain his ‘swing’ and regain his identity as a great golfer. Bagger Vance knows all about Junah’s troubles, and has an expert knowledge of the mechanics of golf. He also needs money. So, they can help each other; they need each other.

2nd viewing

• What drama was this scene built around?

It is built around Junah’s struggle to regain his swing and Bagger Vance’s offer to help him as his caddie.

• What traits showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

Junah

– intense

– determined

– kind

Bagger Vance

– mysterious

– knowledgeable

– persistent

[Patrick Malone]

Week 1 Day 2: Living Into Their Future – THE TERMINATOR

1st viewing:

Sarah’s implied future: a mother, a teacher and trainer of her son to become a leader and warrior.

Kyle’s implied future: a warrior for a cause.

What is Sarah’s transformation that is implied by this scene?

Sarah sees herself as very ordinary, unorganized, with no special abilities. It is implied that she will become strong and confident and develop skills that will allow to her train her son to become a warrior and a leader.

2nd viewing

SARAH

– self-doubting

-apprehensive

– kind

– squeamish

– reasonable

Kyle

– thoughtful

– caring

– strong

– loyal

The drama is built around their discomfort; Sarah is cold, Kyle is wounded. She is apprehensive about the future Kyle tells her. She rejects this future.

[Patrick Malone]

Week 1 Day 1: Character Traits – GOOD WILL HUNTING

Will

1st viewing:

-confident

– smart

– well spoken

2nd viewing

– aggressive/tough

– protective (of Chuckie)

CHUCKIE

1st viewing:

– conniving

– impulsive

2nd viewing

– insecure

SKYLAR

1st viewing:

– nothing

2nd viewing

– inquisitive

Drama: As Chuckie tries to impress the girls, Clark sees through Chuckie’s deception and steps in to expose him. Clark is arrogant and Will then intercedes on behalf of Chuckie to humiliate the pompous Clark. Skylar’s expression indicates she is impressed with Will.

The boys went to this bar to meet girls. Perhaps Will went for the chance to engage intellectually with students.

[Patrick Malone]

Hello all,

Patrick Malone. I have written 2 spec features and a spec TV pilot. Earlier this year I was brought in to write the pilot for a series in development.

Hoping this course will help me develop more in depth characters.

I love dogs, beaches, exploring new places. I was once questioned by Mi5 about an IRA bombing in London. I had nothing to do with it. I can laugh about it now!

[Patrick Malone]

1. Patrick Malone

2. “I agree to the terms of this release form.”

3. GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Marketing Plan

What I learned is there are a number of ways to connect with and to get noticed by producers. Consistently send out writing assignment requests and spec script requests. The more sent, the better the chances of getting positive responses from producers.

1. I have written my email request for writing assignments in my own words.

2. Give us the first three things you are going to do when you are ready to start marketing.

A. I am seeking more producer connections on Linkedin.

B. I will send out the email requests starting this week.

C. I am polishing a spec script and will send out query letters for this spec script to Linkedin and IMDB producers. I’ll also follow up to let them know you also do writing assignments.

D. Request endorsements for my Linkedin profile.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value

What I learned was reasonable expectations regarding pricing my work, coming to an agreement that suits both myself and the producer. Also, to consistently improve my writing, make new connections, and move forward.

1. My specialty is Thriller/ Mysteries. I have written 2 such screenplays and a TV series pilot. I also have outlined 2 horror scripts.

2. I have 511 producers in my LinkedIn Network.

3. Looking at the list above titled “Increasing Your Perceived Value,” please tell us your plan for increasing your value in these three-time frames:

A. Today: Got 2 more Recommendations on my Linkedin profile. Also, will make new producer connections on Linkedin

B. In the next 30 days: Polish one of my scripts, then send out query letters to producers on Linkedin and through IMDB. Create another great Writing Sample. Continue to add new producer connections on Linkedin.

C. In the next 6 months: Complete and another screenplay. Add more producer connections and continue sending query letters.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick is a Note Taking Professional!

What I learned is that it’s not all that difficult to change a script concept to accommodate these producers’ requests.

1. Tell us the logline of your treatment from the last assignment.

Child Proof

Logline: A ten-year-old boy lives a protected, safe and restricted life. He is acquainted with an old man, a former major league baseball player, who’s reputation was ruined years ago. While exploring an underground fort the boy is knocked unconscious. When he awakes it is 1962. He discovers a freer, less restricted world and uncovers the truth about the old man.

2. Tell us how you would honor each of the following requests:

• Cut the budget in half. Originally, the ball park would be a major league stadium. I’ve changed it to a small spring training facility in a small Florida town. The players are just practicing, therefore no need for fans filling the seats. Reduce the number of child actors. Reduce number a scenes/pages.

• Write it for a different audience (quadrant). Was males under 25. Now females and males over 25.

• Double the conflict. Now that it’s geared to an adult audience there can be more violence. Create conflict between the mother and old Herb Grant, the former ball player.

• Change the sex and age of the lead character. Wyatt, a ten-year -old boy, was the lead. Now it’s his mother, late-thirties. She now goes back to 1962.

• Change the genre. Was family, now thriller.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Decreased Budget

What I learned was that with some analysis of the script there are several ways to cut the budget. Some changes I would prefer not to make and I would discuss this with the producer. This exercise has given me the confidence to be able to make budget cuts.

MAIN VARIABLES

• Number of Locations: 44: could lose South Carolina airport; Columbia, South Carolina street scenes; Nick’s hotel room; Manny in store; now 37 locations

• Expensive locations: possibly cliff outcrop and tunnel by Niagara Falls, but they stay.
• Number of characters: 37 on camera, 3 v.o.: could cut 16 secondary characters and 2 v.o. characters: now 21 characters, 1 v.o. character

• Special effects: none
• Number of pages: 113; with cuts referred to now 108 pages.

• Crowd scenes: no big crowds: need about 15 extras for some scenes

• Stunts, Chase scenes, and Fight scenes: 1 stunt – man falls off cliff; 2 car chases; 3 fight scenes: first car chase could be omitted – see answer to #2 below.

• Special sets: int/ext. haunted house: it stays

SECONDARY VARIABLES

• Rights to music, brands, books, etc; characters recite partial lyrics to song “The Battle of New Orleans”

• Explosions and Firearms: no explosions but firearms – they stay
• Kids — shorter work days, tutor on the set: no kids, I’ve eliminated them from script

• Animals – need a wrangler, more time to shoot, Humane Society: no animals

• Weather — Rain, snow, wind, tornados: heavy rain scene by Niagara Falls and car on highway: rain could be eliminated.

• Water and underwater scenes: No
• Night scenes: 7 exterior night scenes, I’ll cut 1.

• Helicopters, aircraft, drone shots: shot of Lear Jet flying, int. Lear Jet – they stay; 4 drone shots, will lose 1.

• Green screen work: No
• Extensive Make-up: No
• Archival Footage: No

• Anything else dangerous that increases preparation time and/or Insurance: No

2. With a major scene that depends upon a “high budget variable,” take it through the process of finding another way to deliver on the dramatic goal.

1. Tell us about the high budget item in your script that you are letting go of.

The first car chase I’ll cut, but reluctantly. Two mobsters recognize Jesse the valet as he and waitress Inez are returning a Maserati to a guest at the restaurant. A high-speed chase ensues along country roads, through a vineyard and an orchard.

2. Ask, “What is the dramatic goal am I trying to accomplish with this scene?”

The goal of this scene is to create thrills and suspense. It furthers the plot by having Jesse realize he is involved in something very dangerous. And Inez becomes intrigued with Jesse and furthers her interest in him.

3. Ask, “How can I accomplish the dramatic goal without the expense?”

The budget would be cut by replacing the car chase with a foot chase. This would still accomplish the same dramatic goals. This will require a new set up and a substantial rewrite.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Fantastic Treatment

What I learned: I was concerned that I just had a basic idea for this story. But by writing out the treatment I discovered several story elements and flushed out a much more detailed story. Now I think I will actually write the screenplay.

Title: Child Proof

Genre: Family

Logline: A ten-year-old boy lives a protected, safe and restricted life. He is acquainted with an old man, a former major league baseball player, who’s reputation was ruined years ago. While exploring an underground fort the boy is knocked unconscious. When he awakes it is 1962. He discovers a freer, less restricted world and uncovers the truth about the old man.

• Opening: Wyatt suffers through an after-school Public Speaking class.

• Inciting Incident: Wyatt hears about an underground fort in a nearby field

• First Act Turning Point: underground fort collapses on Wyatt

• Midpoint: Wyatt observes gangsters planting incriminating evidence in Herb Grant’s locker

• Second Act Turning Point: Herb Grant is suspended from the Pittsburgh Pirates

• Crisis: Wyatt steals notebook and papers, gangsters chase after Wyatt and David

• Climax: gangster chase Wyatt to underground fort, he falls in and knocked unconscious

• Resolution: Wyatt awakes back in the present, he proves Herb Grant innocent, and joins a little league baseball team

Treatment:

ACT 1

Wyatt Cassidy, 10, suffers through an after-school Public Speaking class. At 4:30 pm his mom picks him up in the car, reminds him to use seatbelt. He is looking forward to watching a TV show that evening. But it’s his session with the math tutor. Then he has an hour of homework. Wyatt’s ‘spare time’ is filled with piano lessons, computer camp, math tutorials, and the public speaking class. A relative’s wedding is coming up and is parents have enrolled him in a dance class for the occasion.

Most days he is driven the three blocks to the school. Occasionally when he walks, he is accompanied by a parent. When he rides his bike, he must wear a safety helmet and only stay within four blocks of home. Sunblock is a must whenever outside. Wyatt loves baseball. Now too old for t-ball, he wants to play in the softball league. But his parents say it’s too rough and forbid him from joining. He says he’d like to play on a football team but Dad says it’s too dangerous. But it’s only a touch league. No. You could get poked in the eye, or fall down.

The family is shopping in a grocery store. An old man gets stares and muttered comments by several customers. An older man insults him. Wyatt is curious. Dad tells him that is Herb Grant the baseball player who was banned from playing back in the 1960s. He was caught betting against his team and bribing a league official. A few days later Wyatt crashes his bike and skins his knee. An old man watering his lawn comes to his rescue. He is Herb Grant. He bandages Wyatt’s knee. Wyatt sees a photo of young Herb in a Pittsburgh Pirates uniform. He likes Herb.

Wyatt and friend George ride to a small field in their neighborhood. The friend mentions that a long time ago kids built an underground fort somewhere in the field. Wyatt is fascinated by this. They scuff around trying to find it, but without success. The boys contemplate crossing the field to an adjacent neighborhood. Wyatt’s cell phone rings, it’s his mom reminding him to get home for his piano lesson. The next say at school, Wyatt talks about the underground fort with a boy and girl. Wyatt’s interest is further piqued when they mention rumors that gold and silver were hidden in the fort. And maybe even someone was even killed in the fort.

It’s Saturday. The parents have arranged a playdate for Wyatt later in the morning. But his thoughts are on money; he needs money to buy a computer game. He remembers the rumors of the Underground fort. He goes to the field and searches. He finds some boards covered with earth and discovers the fort. He crawls down into it. He rummages through the mess for the treasure. Suddenly the roof boards and earth collapse on him, he is knocked unconscious.

ACT 2

Wyatt awakes to the sound of children. Three boys and a girl enter the fort and are surprised to find Wyatt. Wyatt notices that the fort is in good shape, no mess, no debris. He is worried that he’ll be late for playdate, he tries cell phone; it does not work. He asks the other kids if he can use one of their cell phones. They don’t know what he’s talking about. Wyatt looks around and sees that the field has somehow quadrupled in size. He looks in the direction of his house but there are just woods. Confused and upset, he gets on the back David’s bike and the kids ride to David’s house. Wyatt notices no one wears bike helmets. And most houses have TV antennas. Wyatt is shocked to learn that it is 1962.

David’s family take Wyatt in until they can find his home. They discover that his phone number, address and school do not exist. Where he claims to live is just woods. There is no record of the Cassidy family in the area. When David’s mother washes Wyatt’s clothes she finds coins dated in the 2000s. She and her family are perplexed. Some of the kids are fascinated with Wyatt, he’s different, knows things they’ve never heard of. Some think he’s an alien from outer space. Some bigger kids bully him as they consider him a freak. Over the next few days Wyatt sees a different world from what he is familiar with. There are no computers, cell phones, answering machines or colored TVs. The black and white broadcasts show lots of ads for liquor and cigarettes. There are no seatbelts or baby seats or airbags in cars. No bike helmets, sunscreen, no playdates.

The Pittsburg Pirates are in nearby Fort Myers for spring training. David’s dad drives David, Wyatt and two other kids to watch the Pirates practice. Wyatt is surprised to see the first baseman is named Herb Grant. Wyatt recognizes him as the old man in his neighborhood. He learns that Herb Grant was rookie of the year in 1960 and had a great season in 1961. But this season, 1962, there is a contender for his position, all-star Jack Hannagan traded from the Baltimore Orioles. Wyatt says “Hi” to Herb and tells him that they have met, but Herb has no idea who Wyatt is.

Back at the house, Wyatt explains to David how Herb Grant was accused of bribing an official and betting against his team. Wyatt likes Herb and believes he was innocent. The two boys bike to another Pirates practice. They over hear Jack Hannagan talk with a man about getting the better of Herb; the man has a plan to guarantee Jack becomes the teams first baseman. They find out the man is Jack’s agent, Doug Kramden. The boys trail the team to their hotel. Three teens get Herbs autograph, they then give the signed papers to Kramden who pays them a few dollars. Wyatt and David follow Kramden up to his room. The boys linger in the hallway. Soon two men in dark suits enter Kramden’s room. They leave shortly with an envelope.

David’s teenage sister’s friend Lance is a batboy for the Pirates. Lance gets Wyatt and David into the Pirates clubhouse. One of the dark suited men comes in and sneaks papers and a notebook into Herb’s locker. As the boys walk along the corridor toward the stands, the second man in a dark suit approaches the umpire and slips him an envelope. The boys sit and watch Herb practice with the team. His playing is excellent, in the field and at bat. There is a commotion around the dugout. The team’s manager and coaches come out and angerly take Herb off the field. When the boys try to enter the clubhouse, they are barred. That evening the news reveals that Herb Grant has been accused of betting against the Pirates and attempting to bribe an umpire. He is suspended from the team.

ACT 3

The boys tell David’s father about the two men in dark suits. Wyatt is vehement that those men are the cause of Herb’s suspension. The father thinks Wyatt is overly imaginative, perhaps even a little crazy. He forbids the boys from going to the stadium. However, they return to the hotel just as Herb is being escorted by the police to a patrol car. Wyatt and Herb glance at each other. Wyatt says, “I know, I’ll help you.” Inside they find Kramden and Jack at lunch. They hear Kramden say how easy it was to set up Herb. Now Jack has a lucrative contract and Kramden gets twenty percent. The boys follow Kramden to his room and just after he unlocks the door David screams out in pain and falls. Kramden goes down the hall to help him. Wyatt sneaks into the hotel room. He rummages around and finds a notebook and some papers. Kramden opens the door just as Wyatt exits the room. Kramden grabs at Wyatt as he rushes by. He drops one of the papers. Kramden sees that it’s one of the contracts he made with the dark suited men. Kramden gets on the phone. Moments later he and the two men in dark suits chase Wyatt and Davis out of the hotel. The boys jump on their bikes and speed away. The three men get into a car and pursue the boys. They keep ahead by racing down narrow laneways and cutting across lawns. When the car is on their heels, the boys turn into an orange grove. The car manages to get only partway into the grove. David crashes his bike. The men run towards him. Wyatt stops and pelts the men with oranges, giving David time to get back on his bike. The boys take off with the men chasing them on foot, but only for a few yards. The boys get home safely to David’s. They say nothing to his parents.

One of the dark suited men recalls seeing the boys in the clubhouse hallway. The men find batboy Lance and force him to identify David and Wyatt. They set out to David’s house. The notebook Wyatt found is a xerox copy of the one left in Herbs locker. It lists supposed bets he made with bookies over the past year. Three papers are Herb’s signed agreements with bookies. And a fourth paper is a contract between Kramden and one of the gangsters. These documents could prove Herb’s innocence. Wyatt decides to go to the local police station. As he and David bike from the house, a black car approaches. The car speeds up and cuts the bikes off. But the boys maneuver around the car and race away, The car speeds after them. David yells for them to split up and for Wyatt to head to the underground fort. The two bikes part ways. The car stops, hesitates, then pursues Wyatt. He peddles hard and fast to the field. A fence prevents the car from driving onto the field, so the three men get out and run after Wyatt. He gets to the underground fort. He has trouble opening the lid to get in. The men are just yards from catching him. Finally, he flips the lid open just as he is grabbed by one of the men. Wyatt loses his balance and tumbles down into the fort. The lid falls closed. The men try to open it. Wyatt lays unconscious on the forts floor.

A cell phone rings awakens Wyatt. He is covered in earth. The fort is a mess. Groggy, he answers. It’s his mom wanting to know where he is and why he didn’t show up is play date. At home he explains his incredible story to his parents. They are skeptical. But when he presents the notebook and papers, his father agrees to take them to the authorities. There is a special ceremony at Fort Myers’ city hall with the mayor, the chief of police and the management of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Elderly Herb Grant is pardoned for all crimes and wrong doings. He is presented with a large compensation check and his old Pirates jersey. Wyatt is honored for uncovering the truth and restoring Herb’s good name.

Herb and Wyatt’s parents sit in the stands and happily cheer on Wyatt as he plays on his first little league baseball team.

[Patrick Malone]

Doing the producer/writer assignment: me as the producer, the writer suggested some ideas that I hadn’t considered and helped better define the story.

As the writer, I suggested some perspectives that the producer liked and hopefully will help her write the script.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Synopsis for Producer Interview

Title: Child Proof

Genre: Family Drama/Comedy

Logline: A ten-year-old boy lives a protected, safe and restricted life. He is acquainted with an old man who’s reputation was ruined years ago. The boy is knocked unconscious, and awakes in 1960. He discovers a freer, less restricted world. He also uncovers the truth about the old man.

Synopsis:

Ten-year-old Wyatt lives a conventional suburban life with his loving parents and little sister. They live a safe life.

A parent walks him to school. He must wear a bike helmet. He must wear sunscreen. When in a car, all are strapped in with seat belts. The toddler sister is secured in a special baby seat. The doors have child-proof locks. Containers have child-proof lids. They drink bottled water. He only gets together with friends through arranged playdates. His time is extremely scheduled, structured; he is enrolled in after school programs. His little free time is spent playing computer video games.

Wyatt is acquainted with Grant, an old gentleman in the neighborhood. Grant was once famous. However, years ago his reputation was tarnished, now he is looked down upon and shunned.

in a small field close to Wyatt’s house there is a tumble-down underground fort that kids built decades ago. Ignoring warnings that it is not safe, curiosity gets the best of him and he goes down into the fort. A portion of the roof collapses knocking him unconscious.

When he awakes, the fort is in great shape. Outside the field is much larger, woodlots stand where houses existed. He tries his cell phone, no reception. Wyatt is obviously confused.

A group of kids arrive. Wyatt expresses his bewilderment. When he asks to borrow a cell phone, they have no idea what he’s talking about.

They inform him that it’s 1960!

Wyatt and the other kids become friends. Their parents try to find his home, but there is no such address, no such phone.

Wyatt and the others are quite similar, but he witnesses a different lifestyle. There are no seatbelts, airbags, bike helmets, sunscreen, no playdates. There are no cell phones, internet, color TV. No bottled water; people actually drink tap water. All adults smoke.

Kids, like dogs and cats, roam free. They explore the local fields and woods and stay out until dark. They play unorganized baseball and tackle football in the field.

Nineteen sixty was the time when Grant’s reputation was ruined. Wyatt discovers how this occurred. The man was framed. Innocent.

Wyatt returns to the present time and reveals the truth which restores the old man’s reputation and standing in the community. And Wyatt sheds many of the safety concerns and lives a more free and happier life.

Budget: $10 million to $15 million

[Patrick Malone]

Hi all, I’ve submitted my writing example. It’s a thriller. Look forward to exchanging writing examples.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Writing Sample Plan

What I learned was I can elevate my writing example. I can improve the scene, if necessary, by adding parts from other scenes that fit in this scene. There are always opportunities to improve and elevate the script. It’s a great way to impress a producer/manager.

Title: Side Hustle

Genre: Thriller

SET UP:

These scenes take place about midway through Act 2.

Jesse, the filmmaker, has helped Milt deliver and store dozens of golf clubs Milt had transported from South Carolina to Niagara. Jesse has grown suspicious of Milt; he’s starting to think Milt is not who he says he is.

Kala and Boyd are Niagara punk drug dealers who work for Carvel whom Milt and Harper had purchased guns. Harper and Kala have had a previous fight which Harper won.

Boyd wants in on what he believes is Milt’s drug business.

EXAMPLE:

INT. JESSE’S HOME – NIGHT

Pictures and articles about South Carolina fill Jesse’s computer screen as he listens to his phone message.

WOMAN (V.O.)

…and though we think your film proposal has merit, at this time we are unable to proceed. We have a number of productions that take precedence. So, we are …

Jesse slams the phone down.

JESSE

Damn. Bloody shit.

He lights a cigarette. Types in a search for “Milt Harris”. Nothing. He tries sporting goods stores in Columbia, South Carolina. Fairways Sporting Goods pops up. Then an article about owner Vance Rollins hosting a charity golf tournament.

He searches for “Vance Rollins”. A newspaper article and a video news clip appear.

INSET – CLOSE ANGLE ON COMPUTER SCREEN

NEWSCASTER

City councilman Arthur Dudley is alleged to have voted against allowing a marijuana grow facility to exist within the city in exchange for $50,000. A source claims the bribe came from one or more members of the Dixie Mafia.

A photo of Arthur Dudley appears.

NEWSCASTER (V.O.)

Dudley holds business meetings at a bar frequented by the Dixie Mafia and owned by Vance Rollins.

A photo of Vance Rollins appears.

NEWSCASTER

Rollins is also the owner of Fairways Sporting Goods.

BACK TO JESS’S ROOM

Jesse hits pause. The picture freezes on Vance Rollins. He is a double for Milt Harris.

JESSE

No way.

He slumps back in the chair and stares in disbelief.

EXT. STORAGE COMPANY YARD – NIGHT

A hand clicks the numbers on the combination lock of a storage unit. The lock snaps open.

INT. STORAGE UNIT – NIGHT

A knife blade slices into one of the boxes that fill the unit. Jesse tears it open. Removes a golf club. Feels its weight. Fiddles with the club head. Examines the grip. It’s loose. He removes it.

He taps the now open-ended shaft. White powder sprinkles out. His jaw drops, he gasps. Cocaine.

INT. LEXUS – NIGHT

The wiper blades work hard against a heavy downpour. Jesse’s cell phone rings. He grabs it off the dashboard.

JESSE

(into phone)

Yeah?

INEZ (V.O.)

(distressed)

Jesse, it’s me.

JESSE

Inez?

There are some muffled sounds.

BOYD (V.O.)

Hey, how’s your buddy, Milt Harris?

JESSE

What? Who is this?

BOYD (V.O.)

Your pal from Raymond Carvel’s. Boyd.

JESSE

Boyd? What are you doing with Inez?

The glare of oncoming headlights almost blinds Jesse. He puts a hand up to shield his eyes. The phone drops. He gropes for it under the seat. The vehicle swerves onto the shoulder. It speeds toward a construction barrier. He yanks the wheel, the car bounces back onto the highway. His fingers find the cell, he holds it to his ear.

BOYD (V.O.)

…so tomorrow. I’ll text you the location.

JESSE

What? Hello. Boyd. Boyd.

The line is dead.

EXT. ROCK LEDGE ABOVE NIAGARA RIVER – DAY

The ledge juts out a hundred feet above the river, just yards from the side of the Niagara’s Horseshoe Falls. Jesse stands silhouetted against the rain mixed with the thick misty spray that spews from the Falls. He waits.

A figure appears from the tunnel that opens onto the ledge.

BOYD

Wasn’t sure you’d show. Guess you care about the girl.

JESSE

Where is she?

They need to shout above the thundering falls.

BOYD

She’s good and dry. For now.

JESSE

Yeah? So, what is it you want?

BOYD

Something simple. A meeting with that black pal of yours.

JESSE

(scoffs)

I don’t think he’d take much of a liking to you.

BOYD

I want in on what he’s dealing. It’s something big. Right?

JESSE

I have no idea.

BOYD

There are some hard-ass characters looking for him. He needs me ’cause I know who they are.

A strong gust of wind and water obscures both men. It blows Jesse close to the precipice. He grabs the railing.

BOYD

You set it up, you get your girlfriend back.

JESSE

She’s not my girl.

BOYD

Friend, girlfriend, lover, whatever.

He whistles and waves to the tunnel entrance. Two figures emerge. They step close to Boyd. Kala is holding Inez, her arms bound.

JESSE

Inez. Are you all right?

Inez nervously nods her head “Yes”.

BOYD

She’s a tough one. Just set me up with the colored dude, and she’ll be just fine.

Jesse remains silent. Then he bolts toward Kala and Inez. Boyd trips him. Kala pushes Inez close to the edge.

JESSE

(to Kala)

What the hell are you doing?

Kala dangles Inez over the railing.

JESSE

No. Let her go.

Inez is terrified. Jesse staggers to his feet.

BOYD

It’s all up to you pal. Make the introduction.

JESSE

Okay, okay.

Kala leads Inez back into the tunnel.

BOYD

Tomorrow. The Gorge, 10am.

Boyd slinks into the tunnel. Jesse stands alone in the elements.

EXT. NIAGARA GORGE – DAY

Jesse, Milt and Harper survey the wide, deep, pristine expanse of forested canyon below.

JESSE

You can see why it’s a great location for the film.

The three hike down a rugged path below a steep rock face. Gigantic rock outcrops covered in moss, ferns and trees give the Gorge an otherworldly look and feel.

HARPER

So Indian ghosts haunt this area?

JESSE

It’s some kind of vortex, something spiritual.

MILT

Huh, their spirits actually appear?

JESSE

That’s the rumor. It’s just down a way.

The path curves deeper into the Gorge. They round a huge rock outcrop. They stop in their tracks. A man and a woman block their path. Harper is shocked to be face to face with Kala.

HARPER

You! What the …

KALA

Bitch, I got a score to settle.

HARPER

Well, bless your little heart.

BOYD

(smiles)

Good to see you, Jesse. Glad you brought your friends.

MILT

What the hell is this, Jesse?

Jesse blinks nervously, he looks away.

BOYD

He just facil, facilit, ah, helped set up this meeting. I got a proposition.

HARPER

Who’s this tongue-twisted turd?

JESSE

He works with Carvel.

BOYD

I want in on whatever it is you got going with those golf clubs.

Milt laughs.

BOYD

What is it, heroin, meth, coke?

MILT

Did Carvel put you up to this?

BOYD

It’s all my idea. Cleaver eh?

HARPER

You haven’t a clue who you’re dealing with.

BOYD

You need a partner.

MILT

The last thing I need is some white-assed punk honing in on my business.

BOYD

That’s how you see this? You’re stepping in my fucking territory.

Milt inhales through his teeth.

MILT

You arrogant little shit, you’re creating a heap of trouble for both of us.

BOYD

How I see it is you got some heavy dudes on your ass. I can steer them your way. Or I can make you invisible, help distribute your product.

MILT

If I don’t cut you in, you sic the dogs on us?

BOYD

That’s one side of the deal.

MILT

I don’t cut deals.

BOYD

(yells)

Ralph.

They hear rustling in the brush. Ralph steps onto the path with Inez in tow, her hands tied.

KALA

The other side of the deal.

JESSE

Inez.

HARPER

That’s – –

MILT

– – The waitress. What’s she gotta do with any of this?

JESSE

I had to – –

BOYD

– – Jesse here doesn’t want to see any harm come to the young lady. We got a deal?

They all stand staring. Suddenly, Harper pulls out her revolver and grabs Jesse.

JESSE

Hey.

HARPER

You’re a putrid little bastard.

She holds the gun to his head. He shivers, terrified and shocked.

HARPER

You turned on us.

JESSE

I, I just…

She abruptly spins Jesse loose and aims at Ralph. Everyone freezes.

HARPER

Let Inez go.

Kala draws her pistol on Harper. Harper turns and shoots it out of her hand.

KALA

Holy shit.

Jesse rushes Ralph. He shoves Inez at him, she falls. Jesse leaps on Ralph.

Milt and Boyd both reach for their pistols. Boyd kicks the gun from Milt’s hand. Boyd takes a step back. His finger goes to the trigger.

Kala picks up a thick branch and comes at Harper. Harper fires. The branch leaps from Kala’s hand. She screams as the bullet passes through her palm.

Boyd trips on a root, his gun fires. The bullet just misses Milt. Boyd scrambles to his feet and runs down the path. Milt grabs his pistol and chases Boyd deeper into the gorge.

HARPER

(to Kala)

You should have learned your lesson.

Harper looks around.

HARPER

Go. Climb back up to the pit you slithered out from.

Kala moans holding her bleeding hand. She reluctantly trudges up the path.

Jesse punches Ralph unconscious. He goes to Inez, unties her hands and comforts her.

Boyd runs and ducks into a crevice between two rock walls. He waits. Milt trots into Boyd’s sight. Boyd aims. Milt slows down and glances around. Boyd shoots. Lucky for Milt, Boyd is a terrible shot. Milt veers behind a rock.

Boyd squeezes his way through the crevice and climbs to the top of a ridge. Milt spots him and fires. Startled, Boyd turns, loses his footing on wet leaves and tumbles down the embankment.

Milt gets to a vantage point. He spots Boyd below on a rocky precipice above the raging rapids of the Niagara River. Milt aims his weapon. Boyd raises his pistol.

Harper tramps down the path looking for Milt. Two gunshots ring out and reverberate through the Gorge. Harper stops in her tracks.

A body plummets into the river. It is swept through the rapids into a thirsty whirlpool. The body swirls and swirls.

Milt looks down to see Boyd sucked beneath the surface.

INT. SIMCOE TERRACE INN – MILT’S SUITE – DAY

Harper sips a drink. Inez sits, her glare focused on Milt. Jesse paces.

MILT

Whethe, he slipped and fell, or he was shot. Either way he’s gone.

JESSE

Dead. Boyd is dead. What are we going to do about it?

MILT

Nothing.

HARPER

The guy played his hand.

JESSE

What about you, Inez? Do you want to press charges?

Inez just stares.

JESSE

You were kidnapped. They can arrest Kala and that ass I beat up.

MILT

There’s no way in this universe we’re bringing in the cops.

HARPER

That ring-tailed bitch has taken flight. Bye-bye.

Harper hands Jesse her drink.

INEZ

I’d just like to go home.

Milt gets off his chair and steps close to Inez. He studies her for several seconds.

MILT

Jesse will drive you. Sorry you got sucked into this.

She stands and picks up the hotel phone.

INEZ

I’ll get a taxi.

Milt takes the receiver from her hand.

MILT

This goes no further than that door. There be consequences.

INEZ

I understand.

She dials for a cab.

MILT

Jesse, we need a van. We’re moving the golf clubs tonight.

Inez hangs up the phone. Harper eyes Inez suspiciously as she slips out of the suite.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Key Business Decisions

Genre: Thriller/Horror

Title: Side Hustle

Concept: Struggling to produce a film about his haunted town, a broke filmmaker’s life is endangered when he accepts help from a wealthy couple visiting from the South, unaware that they are members of the notorious Dixie Mafia.

Audience: the four quadrants

Budget: $10 million

Lead Characters:

JESSE WILSON, white, 30. A filmmaker and editor. Having lived for two years on the South Carolina coast with his Southern girlfriend Jo, he is now in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario. He misses her and the South.

Jesse is going through a very rough time. Back down South, he was cheated out of money on a failed film production and since has had no work in his profession. To make ends meet he is working part-time as a valet at the Stone Road Bistro, in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario, and occasionally at local greenhouses.

Niagara-on-the-Lake is one of the most haunted towns in the country. He is attempting to make a film about it. He needs financial backing make the film, make money and return to Jo.

MILT HARRIS (aka Vance Rollins) black, mid-fifties. Owner of a sports store, and member of the Dixie Mafia in Columbia, South Carolina. Milt is an imposing figure. He is known for his good sense of humor and easygoing manner. But do not cross him.

He has flown up to Niagara-on-the-Lake to take care of some business. He is also on the run from other Dixie Mafia rivals, thus the pseudo name.

HARPER HARRIS (aka Vidalia Hawkins) black, 40, body guard, weapons expert. An old friend and colleague of Milt’s, she accompanies him to Niagara-on-the-Lake. She is athletic, high energy, restless. She holds grudges. She’ll take care of any ‘problems’ facing Milt.

BOYD, a 28-year-old white punk. He is a drug dealer for Niagara crooks.

BART LACKEY, white, 40. Hitman for the Dixie Mafia. His wiry hard look is capped with an ever-present venomous smile. A mean psychopath.

Journey / Character Arc: Jesse misses Jo and the South. He is depressed, frustrated, angry. He hates having to do menial jobs for low pay. His goal is to make the film and return to Jo. His weakness is he is too trusting and honest.

His life lights up when he befriends Milt and Harper. They give him a connection to the South. They hire him as their driver at $200 a day. They will help finance his film.

Jesse doesn’t know their true identity. He doesn’t realize he is aiding gangsters. When he does discover who they are, he continues with them in hope of getting their financial backing.

By the end of his journey, he has helped criminals, boosted his confidence, lost his trusting nature, and looking out for himself, steals their huge supply of cocaine to sell.

Opening: Boyd flies a drone with a pack of cocaine across the Niagara River from Niagara Falls, New York to Niagara Falls, Ontario. A Lear Jet flies Milt and Harper to Niagara-on-the-Lake. Jesse parks cars at the Stone Road Bistro. There he meets Milt and Harper. The adventure begins.

Ending: Bart Lackey and his crew pursue and attack Milt, Harper and Jesse. Lackey is defeated. Milt and Harper need to leave Niagara. They entrust the hidden cocaine to Jesse. A buyer will contact Jesse. They board their Lear Jet. Jesse realizes Milt is not paying him what was promised, so Jesse sells the cocaine to finance his film.

Tell us which of those decisions you could improve to make your script more marketable.

TITLE: I like ‘Side Hustle’ as it implies what the main characters are doing. It’s short and punchy. However, I’d like to have Dixie Mafia in the title as it creates more intrigue. Not sure how to do this.

CHARACTERS: I’ve had criticism that Milt Harris is not nasty enough for a gangster. I wanted to make him somewhat subtle and leave the heavy hitting to Harper. I will try to beef up Milt’s dark side, make him more of a heavy.

Jesse Wilson. I need to bring out his characteristics more strongly in the first part of the script. I need to make him more desperate for the money to make his film. Also, he needs to realize he is involved with the Dixie Mafia much sooner in the script.

There are several secondary characters. Some could be dropped to both clarify the story and lower the budget.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Patrick Malone.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone: Analyzing the Second Movie

Specialty- Thrillers Title: “Queen & Slim”

How it delivered on the genre conventions:

Heroes: A young black couple unwittingly get involved in the shooting of a white cop. Intrigue: Local and state police must find and arrest or kill the couple.

Suspense: Queen and Slim are on the run through several states. The police are on their trail. They are all over the news; will the public turn them in? Will the police capture or kill them?

Outline:

Queen and Slim, black, early thirties, have a first date at a cheap restaurant in Cleveland. There is no chemistry between them. There won’t be a second date.

As Slim drives Queen home, a white cop pulls them over for a minor traffic infraction. TENSION

Things escalate quickly: the cop pulls a gun on Slim. SUSPENSE

Queen says Slim has done nothing wrong and takes out her cell phone to record the incident; the cop shoots Queen, and then attacks Slim. They wrestle and in self-defense Slim shoots and the racist cop. He’s dead. SURPRISE

Queen is wounded in the leg. Being a criminal lawyer, she knows they have to run or face a lifetime in prison. They must disappear. She suggests going to her uncles in New Orleans. They ditch their cell phones, and head south. TENSION, UNCERTAINTY

On the road they encounter several SUSPENSEFUL situations. Their car runs out of gas at night in rural Kentucky. They flag a passing pick-up truck whose white driver agrees to drive the to a gas station. Slim sees a badge on the dash; the man is a local off-duty sheriff. TENSION

At the gas station the couple realize they left their wallets back in their car. The kindly sheriff says he’ll pay for the gas and goes into the station. He gets a radio notice about the Cleveland shooting. ANTICIPATION

Back at the pickup Queen pulls a gun on the sheriff. They drive back to their car and lock the sheriff in the truck. They then head off in his pickup.

At a burger joint, they ask a young black kid to go in and get pick up their order. The kid obliges. They eat and as they start to drive they hit something – the kid’s father. His knee is injured. How will they deal with this? Will the police get involved? ANTICIPATION, UNCERTAINTY

Turns out the father has heard who Queen and Slim are and wanted to meet them. They are heroes to him.

They reach New Orleans. Queen’s uncle has a large house and lives with hookers. He reluctantly lets Queen and Slim stay for a couple of days. However, he gets into a fight with one of his hookers and a policeman comes to check it out. The cop leaves, but will most likely return. SUSPENSE

The uncle gives Queen and Slim a Pontiac and a contact in Savannah, Georgia, the Shepherds. They will be able to hook them up with a man in Florida who can fly them to Cuba. ANTICIPATION

One night on the road, Slim wants to stop at a rocking roadhouse to dance. Queen thinks this is a bad idea, they could be recognized. TENSION

She agrees to have a dance and one quick drink. No one seems to recognize them, but when Slim orders drinks, the lady bartender says it’s on the house. She knows who he is. She and the bar crowd support them. SURPRISE

They make it to Savannah and the home of the Shepherds, a white couple. The man fully supports them, but his wife is not so sure about them. A neighbor recognizes Queen and Slim and the house is attacked by a SWAT team. They swarm through the place. SURPRISE

Queen and Slim slip under a bed. The police check the bedrooms and under the beds. TENSION, SUSPENSE. Queen and Slim are hidden in a compartment under the floor. They eventually sneak out of the house and head to Florida.

In Florida they meet a man who drives them to the man with the plane. SUSPENSE and Anticipation build: will they soon be on their way to Cuba?

As Queen and Slim walk on the runway to the small plane, a dozen cop cars and a helicopter arrive. ANTICIPATION, Queen and Slim express their feelings for each other. The police repeatedly demand that the couple get on the ground. TENSION

They don’t. A cop shoots Queen, dead.

Slim hugs Queen. He picks her up and walks toward the cops. They demand he drop her and stop walking. He continues. A barrage of bullets takes him down.

[Patrick Malone]

PAID WRITING ASSIGNMENTS LESSON 3

Patrick’s Speciality: THRILLERS

Movie: “Lou”

How it delivered on the genre conventions:

Mystery: Vee, a little girl is kidnapped, where is she, will she be found? Also, what is Lou’s true identity?

Intrigue: The covert plan of the sociopathic kidnapper.

Suspense: The girl’s mother and neighbor, Lou, track the kidnapper through a wilderness forest during a severe storm. The kidnapper is a former Green Beret and explosives expert. Will nature and/or the kidnapper harm or kill them? Will they find the little girl unharmed?

Hero: Lou, a loner, is unwittingly involved in finding the little girl. Lou is skilled in hunting, tracking, and with weapons.

Movie Outline:

Main Characters: Hannah the mother; Vee the little girl; Lou the female neighbor; Philip the kidnapper.

The location is a forested wilderness island off the coast of Washington State.

– The opening is filled with intrigue. Lou burns several documents; shoots a deer and butchers it; withdraws all her money from a bank. While she’s in the village we get glimpses of someone watching her.

– Lou drives by her neighbor Hannah’s trailer demanding the rent money, no excuses. Vee runs playing down the road. She runs in front of Lou’s truck. ANTICIPATION

– Vee is OK. Hannah admonishes Lou for driving fast, Lou retorts that the road is not a playground. Lou is one tough cookie.

– At home Lou writes a letter to someone saying she is leaving her money and house to this person. INTRIGUE

– a friend, Chris, drops by to see Hannah. There is a hint of romance.

– Heavy rains hit. Chris picks up a soaked hitchhiker. The hitchhiker attacks Chris.

– That night the storm is sever. As Hannah puts Vee to bed, they hear something in the house. Could just be the storm. The power goes out. Hannah goes outside to throw a breaker; no power.

– Hannah sees Chris’s van. She opens it to find Chris murdered. SURPRISE, SHOCK

– Vee hears another sound; she locks her bedroom door and hides in a big wicker basket. She sees the door knob turn. Then the knob is pushed from the door. A small hose is inserted and smoke comes into her room. ANTICIPATION

– Hannah returns to find Vee gone and an old photo of Vee with her father. The back reads, “Hi Mommy. My turn.”

– Lou sits in her house with a rifle aimed at her throat. A crack of thunder…Hannah runs in interrupting. She needs to phone the police. The phone is dead. She tells Lou that Vee has been taken. By whom? Vee’s father. They believed he had been killed in an explosion two years ago. SURPRISE

-They go out to Lou’s truck to go to the sheriff. It won’t start. Lou finds a bomb under the hood. SUSPENCE

– They get out, the truck explodes.

– Lou prepares to track the kidnapper. Hannah insists on going.

– Philip, the kidnapper, has Vee in a small covered cart. He wheels it through the forest.

– Lou and Hannah track the cart. They figure Philip is heading to the coast. They must find him before he gets off the island.

– Philip radios some buddies who are to help him escape the island.

– Lou and Hannah come to a small hunting shack, two men are on its porch.

– Lou gets the men to let her in by pretending she is lost and limping. She just wants a few minutes to warm up.

– These are Philip’s accomplices. TENSION

– They become suspicious. Lou hits one man with a steaming pot of soup. She pulls a revolver and shoots the other man. She and the first man have a brutal fight, she kills him.

– Hannah is shocked, asks where Lou learned to kill. Lou answers, “CIA. Twenty-six years in the field.” INTRIGUE

– They continue on through the rugged rain-soaked terrain.

-They find the abandoned cart. ANTICIPATION

– They reach a dilapidated wooden footbridge over a raging river gorge. They struggle to cross it. They both slip and plummet. Shaken up, they continue on.

– Philip and Vee reach Eagle Bay, a beach on the coast.

– Lou and Hannah arrive at the beach. Lou realizes the surf is too rough for a boat, so Philip must be near.

– They find the rotting hull of a ship. Hannah sneaks up thinking Philip may be inside. He is not. But they find a stuffed toy belonging to Vee. Lou also finds a post card. Scribbled on the back, “Old habits die hard. Having fun yet?”

– Lou allows Hannah to go up a hill to radio the sheriff.

– Lou sees smoke over the forest. She heads towards it.

– Philip has a camp fire.

-Hannah manages to radio the sheriff.

– Lou sneaks up but sees no one. Philip sneaks up behind her, takes her rifle and pistol.

– We learn that Philip is Lou’s son. She abandoned him as a small child because of the CIA. SURPRISE

– Lou and Philip fight. She stabs him in the shoulder with a knife, but he embeds a hatchet into her chest. He takes off with Vee to the lighthouse and tells Lou to bring Hannah there.

– the sheriff gets a call from the US Marshalls. They have an APB out for Lou, the CIA wants her. Lethal force has been authorized. SURPRISE They also want Philip who was convicted in the murders of several citizens. The sheriff tells them they are at Eagle Bay.

– Hannah returns to find Lou with the hatched in her chest. She removes it and packs the wound

-Hannah finds the photo of Vee & Philip, and the post card. She realizes Lou is Philip’s mother. SURPRISE grandmother. Hannah is devastated.

– Hannah heads to the lighthouse. UNCERTAINTY

– sheriff arrives at the ship hull on an all-terrain vehicle.

– he tells her the CIA is coming for her. She had documents proving the CIA’s involvement in the coup Iran. (The documents she burned at the beginning). The sheriff is on her side.

– Lou steals the all-terrain vehicle and heads to the lighthouse.

– Hannah arrives at the lighthouse. She runs up to the top exterior turret to confront Philip and Vee. He wants Lou there too.

– They argue. Philip appears to have a detonator switch. ANTICIPATION

– He lets Vee go down to go pee.

– Hannah shoots him in the arm and leg. He grabs her, they struggle. She is stabbed in the leg. She stabs a knife through his hand.

– Hannah finds Vee in the basement. She also finds a bomb wired to the lighthouse. TENSION, ANTICIPATION

– Philip starts down the stairs.

– Lou enters the basement.

– Hannah sends Vee outside through a tunnel. But a metal screen won’t allow an adult fit through.

– Philip is almost at the basement.

-Hannah locks the gate to the basement.

– Philip gets to the gate, he sees Lou. he says, “We’re all here.” He is committed to destroying all of them.

– Lou uses the radio to interfere with the frequency of the bomb.

– Hannah works on breaking the screen to the tunnel.

– Philip triggers the detonator. But the bomb doesn’t explode. He screams in anguish.

– Hannah breaks the screen and she and Lou escape outside.

– a CIA helicopter flies. An armed marksman sits in the open door. SUSPENCE, UNCERTAINTY

– Lou reaches Hannah, then heads off to find Vee.

– Hannah limps away on her own.

– Philip rages inside the lighthouse.

– Lou finds Vee in a beach cave. They hug.

– the helicopter flies closer.

– Philip staggers along the beach toward Lou.

– Lou opens up her copper bracelet and attaches it to a long stick.

– Hannah joins Lou and Vee.

– Lou has Hannah hold up the stick; it’s now an antenna. She takes the radio and detonates the bomb. The lighthouse collapses.

– the helicopter flies closer.

– Lou tells Hannah about the letter she wrote; she has left the house and money for her. She sends Hannah and Vee away.

– Philip reaches Lou, both are injured but they fight in the surf.

– Philip stabs her with a metal pipe. They hug each other. She says she is sorry.

– the helicopter appears and fires on them. They collapse in the surf.

– at Lou’s house Hannah packs for a move to Seattle. The CIA question Hannah about inheriting Lou’s house and if Lou had mentioned any secret documents. No.

– the sheriff has Hannah sign the coroners document to release Philip’s body.

– the sheriff compliments her on handling Lou’s memorial service. The CIA leaves.

– Hannah and Vee are happily on the deck of a ferry. They have Lou’s dog Jax with them.

– Jax takes notice of something on an upper deck.

– we see a three-quarter view of the back of a woman’s head. From the upper deck she is watches Hannah and Vee through binoculars. iNTRIGUE

Fade to black

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s LinkedIn Profile is Amazing!

I am already on Linkedin. Today I added my screenplays under Projects. They get listed alphabetically rather than the order I would like, as suggested by Hal. But they are there!

I also sent out several connections to producers on Linkedin.

In the next 30 days:

I will be contacting the producer I recently worked with and another writer to give me a recommendation.

I will be happy to exchange Linkedin endorsements and recommendations with all on this course.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Credibility is Going Up!

What I learned was to search my experience for credibility factors. With more credibility comes more access to higher level producers and projects.

Steps I’ll take in the next 30 days to increase my credibility:

– add to my Linkedin profile

– get producer’s endorsement

– contact more producers and managers

– try to add credits to my IMBD profile.

Credibility Checklist

1. Your Writing Sample

Pilot for “Cease To Exist” coverage feedback: “One of the pilot’s biggest strengths is the multiple, mysterious and intriguing storylines introduced over the course of its 60-pages. Building in such a diversified set of plot lines will ensure longevity in your series, as it gives your characters many avenues to explore plot, themes, and world; keeping the story fresh and exciting. In addition, you imbue the story with much tension and suspense by including mysterious tidbits about Gemma’s life as well.”

2. Screenwriting Accomplishments

• Contest wins: no wins but 2 semi-finalists and one quarter finalist.
• writing assignment: recently completed pilot for TV series

3. The Google factor

Google your name. How many items on the first page show you as a professional screenwriter?

As E. Patrick Malone first page of google as writer on IMBD

As Patrick Malone first page of google as director, editor, producer on Linkedin, Blogspot,

4. Your Network

• How many producers are in your network? 646 on Linkedin

5. Education specific to screenwriting

• Studied film production at London Film, England
• Directing course through National Film Board of Canada
• Various Screenwriter courses with ScreenwritingU
• Recently worked with a producer on TV pilot

• Go to [url=”http://imdb.com/”]http://IMDB.com[/url] and search your name. What credits show up there for you? None.

8. Other forms of credibility that is related to screenwriting:

• produced, directed, edited short drama; wrote, produced, directed, edited another short drama; produced, directed and wrote documentaries
• As an editor I’ve worked with several production companies and TV networks

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick’s Projects and Insights

(A) Idea: Untitled KID’S MOVIE

Genre: Family

Ten-year-old Wyatt lives a conventional suburban life with his loving parents and little sister. They live a safe life.

A parent walks him to school. He must wear a bike helmet. He must wear sunscreen. When in a car, all are strapped in with seat belts. The toddler sister is secured in a special baby seat. The doors have child-proof locks. Containers have child-proof lids. They drink bottled water. He only gets together with friends through arranged playdates. His time is extremely scheduled, structured; he is enrolled in after school programs. His little free time is spent playing computer video games.

Wyatt is acquainted with an old gentleman in the neighborhood who was once famous. However, years ago his reputation was tarnished, now he is looked down upon and shunned.

Decades ago, kids built an underground fort in a field close to Wyatt’s house. Ignoring warnings that it is not safe, curiosity gets the best of him and he goes down into the fort. A portion of the roof collapses knocking him unconscious.

When he awakes he is back in1960.

Wyatt is obviously confused, but as he makes new friends he witnesses a different lifestyle. There are no seatbelts, airbags, bike helmets, sunscreen, no playdates. Kids, like dogs and cats, roam free, explore the local fields and woods and stay out until dark. There are no cell phones, internet, color TV. No bottled water; people actually drink tap water.

Nineteen sixty was the time when the old man’s reputation was ruined. Wyatt discovers how this occurred. The man was framed. Innocent.

Wyatt returns to the present time and reveals the truth which restores the old man’s reputation and standing in the community. And Wyatt sheds many of the safety concerns and lives a more free and happier life.

Budget: $5 to $10 million.

(B) Finished Screenplay: “SIDE HUSTLE”

Genre: Thriller/horror

A down on his luck filmmaker’s life is endangered when he befriends a wealthy couple visiting from the Deep South, unaware that they are members of the notorious Dixie Mafia.

Budget $10 to $15 million

What I learned.

– there are thousands of independent producers needing scripts

– do not need a manager or agent to contact these producers

– help define producer’s vision

– get a contract/agreement early on

– write in series of steps: treatment to final draft

– get producer’s approval at each step

– work with producer’s changes, suggestions

– be willing to work for little pay to build credibility

– do whatever to get movie made

[Patrick Malone]

Hello All!

I’m Patrick Malone, currently living in Mississauga. Over the past 3 years I’ve written 2 feature screenplays and 2 TV pilots.

I studied film production at the London Film School in England. I went on to have a career as a film editor. I have produced and directed documentaries and short dramas.

I have taken several courses with ScreenwritingU. Looking forward to this course.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone: Hero and Villain

I began this course without an idea for a story. I came up with my concept during lesson 1. Lesson 2 has helped me understand the foundational elements of action films and to develop and elevate my concept.

Concept: To prevent him from being banned from racing for life, a Formula 1 driver must transport a Mob boss to various locations to collect secret information, information that will reveal and prevent the assassination of the President.

• Hero Morally Right: expose plan to assassinate US President.<div>

• Villain Morally Wrong: government wants to supress info and kill President

Hero: highly skilled Formula 1 driver, ex-military

• A. Unique Skill Set: professional driver, explosives expert, weapons expert </div><div>

• B. Motivation: complete mission to save his career, expose assassination plan

• C. Secret or Wound: suspended from his passion – Formula 1 racing

Villain: Charles Wagner– high ranking powerful government official

• A. Unbeatable: network of FBI & CIA killer sub-agents.</div><div>

• B. Plan/Goal: get and supress information and assassinate President.

.• C. What they lose if Hero survives: will be charged with treason and executed.

Impossible Mission: Hero must drive Mob boss to 3 locations across the US to collect coded information that reveals assassination plot. He is met with armed resistance at each location.

• A. Puts Hero in Action: Using his skills he alludes FBI, CIA </div>

• B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: When confronted he fights and kills the agents.

• C. Destroy the Villain: sabotages assassination plans, has Charles Wagner arrested and jailed.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone Conventions!

What I learned were the five conventions of action films. I was inspired to come up with a concept.

High Concept: To prevent him from being banned from racing for life, a Formula 1 driver must transport a Mob boss to various locations to collect secret information

• Highly Skilled Hero: Formula 1 race driver, former military explosives expert. <div>

• Mission: Drive Mob Boss to three locations to collect secret information.

• Demand for Action: He must succeed or be banned from racing for life.

• Antagonist: Rival mobsters

• Escalating Action: He must protect Mob boss and information from killers.

</div>

[Patrick Malone]

Hello!

I’m Patrick Malone. I am a longtime film/video editor who has turned my interest to writing.

I have completed 2 feature screenplays, and 2 TV series pilots in the drama/mystery genre. I am struggling to elevate the episode outlines for one series.

Over the past 3 years I have taken several ScreenwritingU courses.

Hoping to get a great concept for an action script.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone

I agree to the terms of this release form.

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Patrick Malone]

PATRICK MALONE 12 ANGRY MEN ANALYSIS

What I learned was to recognize the Old Ways and challenges to them.

ASSUMPTION OF GUILT

Some jurors’ comments:

– “It’s an open and shut case.”

– “A kid kills his father just like that.”

– “We’re trying to put a guilty man in the chair where he belongs.”

– “The kid is a dangerous killer; you can see it.”

At the start, Henry Fonda is the only one of the 12 jurors who considers the boy may be innocent. He challengers many of the other’s old ways. As the night progresses other jurors start to believe the boy maybe innocent and they start to challenge the old ways.

JUST WANT THIS OVER

– “We can get out of here pretty quick.”

– “I happen to have tickets to that ballgame tonight.”

– “We can do it (discuss the case) for five minutes.”

Challenge: “Let’s take an hour. The ballgame doesn’t start ‘till eight.”

– “We’ll be here all night.”

Challenge: “It’s only one night. A boy might die.”

NOT CARING

– The advertising executive is more interested in showing a design he created for a cereal box than considering the case.

– Another is more interested in getting to the ballgame.

– Ed Begley wants to tell jokes.

– Two men play Xs and Os.

Challenge: Henry rips up their game.

– “I got three garages going to pot so let’s get out of here.”

– The baseball juror changes his vote to not guilty just to get things over with.

Challenge: The foreign juror reprimands him saying the that’s not a good reason. He must vote with his conscience.

PREJUDICE

– “Children from slums are potential menaces to society.”

Challenge: “I lived in a slum all my life.”

– “He don’t even speak good English.”

Challenge: “He doesn’t speak good English.”

– Ed Bagley goes on a prejudice rant.

Challenge: “Prejudice always obscurest he truth.”

– “I’ve lived among them all my life. You can’t believe a word they say. You know that they’re born liars.”

Challenge: “Only an ignorant man can believe that.”

NOT LOOKING BENEATH THE SURFACE

– Henry talks about the boy’s unfortunate rough background

Challenge: Ed Bagley “We don’t owe him a thing. He got a fair trial, didn’t he?”

– “I just think he’s guilty. I thought it was obvious from the word go. Nobody proved otherwise.”

Challenge: “Nobody has to prove otherwise. The burden of proof’s on the prosecution.”

ASSUMING THE EVIDENCE IS NOT QUESTIONALBE

– the switchblade knife is rare and unusual

Challenge: Henry produces one exactly like it. He bought it 2 blocks from the boy’s home.

ASSUMING THE WITNESSES WERE ACURATE

-The woman on the other side of the El tracks claims she heard the yelling, looked up from her bed and saw the boy stab his father.

Challenge: Henry proves the woman needs glasses and would not have worn them to bed.

– The old man who lived above the murder scene claimed to recognize the boy’s voice yell, “I’m going to kill you.”

Challenge: Henry points out the El train would drown out the yell.

– The old man also claimed he left his apartment and saw the boy run down the stairs seconds after the father hit the floor.

Challenge: Henry proves the old man could not have walked fast enough to see the boy as he has a bad limp.

ASSUMING THE DEFENCE ATTORNEY DID HIS JOB

The jurors do not question the evidence or defense attorney’s procedure.

The Challenges:

“The defense counsel let too many things go by.”

“It’s also possible for a lawyer to be just plain stupid. Isn’t it?”

“I’d of asked for another lawyer I think.”

ASSUMING THE CASE IS COMPLETELY LOGICAL

Some of the jurors present the ‘facts’ of the case. They can’t be disputed.

Challenge: Henry shows the possible weaknesses of the facts.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

PROFOUND SCREENWRITING LESSON 8PATRICK MALONE PROFOUND ENDING

What I learned was to reconsider the ending. Developing the setups and payoffs was a great help. I learned to create a profound final image/statement. This exercise once again helped me flush out the story.

1. The profound Truth: each of us has unique qualities that should be recognized and appreciated by ourselves and by others.

2. How do your lead characters come to an end in a way that represents the completed change?

Transformable Character Dennis has transformed from a person who denied his Comanche cultural heritage to a man who found strength, spirit and pride in who he really is.

In the End, after saving his friends and helping Star Man escape, he embraces his culture and is actually teaching a course at his school in Indian Studies.

Change Agent Jennifer’s encouragement helped Dennis take the steps that led to is transformation.

In the End, it is she who advocated for Dennis to teach the Indian Studies course.

Mike started out taunting Dennis and ridiculing Indians. In the end he comes to appreciate the courage of Dennis and respect for Indian culture.

3. What are the setup/payoffs that complete in the end of this movie, giving it deep meaning?

Setups:

– Dennis cannot answer a students question about Comanche culture.

– Dennis is finds the panhandling Indians repulsive and representative of most Indians.

– Dennis is dismayed/forlorn when they drive by his childhood home.

– Dennis is afraid to go into the mine.

– Dennis refuses to help deal with Star Man.

The Payoffs:

– Dennis goes into a trance and connects with his ancient Comanche culture

– Dennis enters the mine to confront Star Man.

– Dennis accepts and appreciates his Indian heritage

– Dennis starts teaching a course on Indian Studies.

Setups:

– Jennifer tries several times to get Dennis to recognize his Indian roots.

The Payoffs:

– Jennifer convinces Dennis to discover his heritage.

– Jennifer convinces Dennis to confront Star Man.

– Jennifer vouches for Dennis to teach Indian Studies.

Setups:

– Mike constantly taunts Dennis about being Indian.

– Mike has a low opinion of all Indians.

– Mike wants to use violence to deal with Star Man.

The Payoffs:

– Mike comes to admire and respect Dennis and Indians.

4. Designing the end to have us see an inevitable ending and make it a surprise?

When it appears that Dennis will not connect with his Indian roots and confront Star Man, Mike and Ned decide to kill Star Man.

Dennis alone at the fire goes into a trance and does discover his roots. He unexpectedly enters the mine and confronts Star Man.

The others witness what seems to be an explosion. They assume Dennis is dead.

Dennis emerges from the mine strong and confident. He has recognized and accepted his true self.

5. What is the parting image/line that leaves us with the profound truth in our minds?

Dennis in front of the class writes on the blackboard in bold letters INDIAN STUDIES. He turns to the class and says, “We have a lot to learn. Discovering who you truly are is an amazing journey.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone Connection with Audience

What I learned was to intentionally think of ways to make the characters connect with the audience. The four ways to connect helped me get insights into their characteristics.

Transformable Character: Dennis

A.Relatability:

– He has a regular job. He’s a grade school teacher.

– He doesn’t have all the answers.

– He is a good friend.

B. Intrigue:

– He is Comanche, but knows little about his culture.

– He can’t relate to the panhandling Indians.

– He looks concerned when they pass by his childhood home.

C. Empathy:

– He is taunted by Mike.

– He is afraid to go into the mine.

– He is reluctant to look into his heritage, to change.

D. Likability:

– He is good with his students.

– He offers to help Jennifer find her missing friends.

– He eventually overcomes his fear and changes to save the others.

Change Agent: Jennifer

A. Relatability:

– She is a grade school teacher.

– She is a good friend.

B. Intrigue:

– She is knowledgeable about Comanche history and traditions.

– She is somewhat fearless.

C. Empathy:

– She is concerned for her friends Melissa and Brian.

– She has doubts about approaching Star Man.

– She is frustrated with trying to get Dennis to change.

D. Likability:

– She has a good sense of humour.

– She is good with her students.

– She helps her friends.

– She is persistent.

– She is brave and adventurous.

[Patrick Malone]

PATRICK MALONE TRANSFORMATIONAL STRUCTURE

What I learned was using the Mini-Movie to create an outline. This was a big help for me to figure out more of my story.

Logline for the transformational journey:

An American Indian who has rejected his culture/heritage is confronted by an alien bent on killing his white friends. Only by embracing his native spirituality can he save his friends.

Change Agent: Jennifer

Transformational Characters: Dennis, Mike

Mini-Movie 1 – Status Quo and Call to Adventure

– Dennis is a descendant of a Comanche tribe and a grade school teacher. A boy asks him something about Indian culture, but Dennis knows nothing about it.

– Fellow teacher Jennifer is worried that her friends Melissa and Brian have not returned from a concert in Albuquerque. They should have been home two days ago.

– Melissa had told Jennifer she wanted to stop at the infamous ghost town Eagle’s Nest.

– Jennifer, Dennis and friends Mike and Ned drive to Eagle’s Nest.

– At a stop for gas, two Indian men panhandle. One is drunk. They appeal to Dennis, but he finds them repulsive. Racial slurs are exchanged.

– Mike, a bigot, says all Indians are like that, lowlifes. He taunts Dennis, says he’s hiding his true nature behind the veneer of a white man.

Emotion: denial

Challenge: control his anger.

Mini-Movie 2 – Locked Into Conflict

– They arrive at Eagle’s Nest. A mining town, it was abandoned in the 1870s after trouble with the Indians. Mike taunts Dennis about this.

– They find fresh tire tracks that they assume are from Melissa and Brian’s vehicle, but no vehicle.

– They start exploring the streets and abandoned buildings. They hear creepy sounds and experience sudden scares. They catch glimpses of a strange figure.

– Ned believes that this was where three teens vanished years ago. And another was found on the road hysterical and has been in mental institution since.

– They hear a dreadful scream from somewhere in the town.

Emotion: Fear

Challenge: Courage to keep searching.

Mini-Movie 3 — Hero Tries to Solve Problem – But Fails.

-They search for the source of the scream.

– Mike teases Dennis to use his ‘Tonto’ tracking skills.

– Whimpering comes from deep in a mine shaft.

– A strange almost human voice in the shaft says “You’ve brought more outsiders here”.

– The voice is talking to Melissa. She lays hurt in the mine shaft. She tells the voice she didn’t bring anyone else here. Looking up to the light at ground level she sees two people walk by.

– Jennifer and Dennis wonder where Melissa could be, not knowing she’s below them.

Emotion: Frustration, concern.

Challenge: Courage to keep searching.

Mini-Movie 4 – Hero Forms a New Plan

– A rattler strikes at Ned. Mike whacks it with a stick. It falls in a crack and down the mine shaft. Melissa

screams.

– They now know where Melissa is. She’s hurt and needs help.

– They search and find a way to the shaft. Dennis refuses to go in. Jennifer and Mike go in.

– They discover animal and human remains. And what appears to be s shrine.

– They reach Melissa. She can’t stand, her leg is badly injured. They give her water and some snacks.

– Melissa warns them that there is a strange creature down here.

– Suddenly The Voice speaks. Tells them to leave or die.

Emotion: Fear

Challenge: How to rescue Melissa.

MIDPOINT: Having found Melissa, they must find a way to get her out of the mine. There is a strange dangerous creature who could kill them all. Brian is still missing.

Mini-Movie 5 – Hero Retreats & The Antagonism Prevails

– Jennifer and Mike join Dennis and Ned above ground.

– They debate on how to get Melissa out.

– They also search for Brian.

– They find petroglyphs. One depicts what Jennifer says is the Star Man. She tells the Comanche legend of the Star Man, an extra-terrestrial, who fought with the Indians against a race of giants and later against the white town’s people of Eagle’s Nest. Dennis claims this is just a ridiculous legend.

– Jennifer thinks that the paranormal events and deaths in this ghost town could be due to Star Man.

– Jennifer and Mike go back into the mine. Make a splint for Melissa’s leg.

– The Voice appears. It admits to being the Star Man. He explains that after helping the Indians against the town’s people, he was captured and sealed in the mine. The town was abandoned. He is waiting to be rescued by other aliens, but needs a sacred Indian ceremony to open the channel to allow this. He has sensed that Dennis is Indian. If he doesn’t get help, he will destroy all of them.

– Jennifer and Mike try to convince Dennis to recognize his unique spiritual heritage. He refuses and wanders away.

Emotion: Bargaining

Challenge/Weakness: Dennis refuses to listen. Stubborn.

Mini-Movie 6 – Hero’s Bigger, Better Plan!

– That night a car load of teens arrives to drink and party. They are loud and vulgar.

– Jennifer, Mike and tell them to leave. They refuse.

– Two teens explore the town. The Star Man kills them.

– Terrified, the other teens leave.

– Dennis sits alone by a fire. He has brief visions of ancient Comanches.

– Dennis hears a banging sound coming from a shed. He discovers Brian’s vehicle hidden in a shed. On an exterior wall he sees the source of the banging. Hanging from a hook, wind wacks Brian’s body against the wall.

– Terrified Dennis finds his other friends.

– With the deaths, Dennis realizes the danger they are in. Jennifer convinces him to meditate and connect with his Indian soul.

Emotion: Hope

Challenge: Dennis is torn between keeping his old ways and dying or searching his soul to save all.

Mini-Movie 7 – Crisis & Climax

– Dennis goes into a trance by the fire. He has visions of a Comanche ceremony and Star Man.

– Mike convinces Ned that they must kill the Star Man. Jennifer tries to stop them.

– Dennis comes out of the trance empowered. He has found his spirit.

– There is a race between Mike and Ned vs Jennifer and Dennis to reach the Star Man.

– Mike beats down Dennis.

– Mike and Ned search the mine for Star Man. They confront Star Man.

– Star Man is about to kill them when Dennis and Jennifer intervene.

– Star Man recognizes Dennis’s Indian spirit and he saves Mike and Ned.

– Star Man tells Dennis that after being sealed in the mine, he created paranormal events that drove the town’s people away. Eventually he escaped the mine but his fear and distrust of white people has kept him in the ghost town.

– Star Man says that the 1947 Roswell UFO crash was a rescue attempt. The lone alien survivor made his way to the ghost town but died of his injuries. The shrine is in honor of him.

– Dennis and Star Man have a mystical experience.

Emotion: Uncertainty.

Challenge: Will they succeed in rescuing Star man and saving themselves?

Mini-Movie 8 – New Status Quo

– Images of aliens and Comanches appear in strange bright lights.

– Fearful, Jennifer, Mike and Ned escape the mine.

– Thunder and flashes of light fill the night sky.

– A UFO appears and hovers above the mine

– A beam of light shoots down into the mine. An explosion.

– The UFO takes off.

– Jennifer and the others go to the mine entrance, they assume Dennis is injured of dead.

– Dennis appears from the mine. He looks strong and confident.

– Moments later Melissa walks out, cured of her injuries.

– They look to the sky, relieved to be alive and safe. Star Man has been rescued.

– Mike recognizes the positive qualities of the Indians.

– Jennifer congratulates Dennis.

– Dennis is elated foe what he’s experienced and done.

New Way: Dennis embraces his Indian heritage. Mike is no longer a bigot.

Profound Truth: Each of us has unique qualities that should be appreciated by ourselves and by others.

–

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone Three Gradients

This exercise was difficult for me as the concept is very under developed. There are many things about the story I haven’t figured out yet. However, it has helped sort out some ideas.

Emotional Gradient: Forced Change

A. Emotion: DENIAL

B. Action: Dennis cannot believe the paranormal events are happening.

C. Challenge/Weakness: Confused.

A. Emotion: ANGER

B. Action: When Ned is injured, Dennis realizes it’s for real and is angry and frustrated.

C. Challenge/Weakness: Does not know how to stop the terror.

A. Emotion: BARGAINING

B. Action: Jennifer realizes Dennis being Indian is the only one who can possibly deal with the alien. She tries in vain to convince Dennis.

C. Challenge/Weakness: Dennis refuses to listen. Stubborn.

A. Emotion: DEPRESSION

B. Action: Dennis goes off alone and sulks.

C. Challenge/Weakness: He feels there is nothing that will help them vs. the alien. All is hopeless.

A. Emotion: ACCEPTANCE

B. Action: When another person in the group is killed, Dennis listens to Jennifer and summons his spiritual essence.

C. Dennis confronts the alien and they reach a compromise that saves the group.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone PROFOUND SCREENWRITING LESSON 4B

Watch and analyze DEAD POET’S SOCIETY.

We are looking at this movie from the perspective of the change that occurs for the lead character and the audience.

1. What is the change this movie is about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie?

Mr. Keating, an unconventional teacher, uses poetry to encourage the students to look at things differently,

think for themselves and to live life fully.

2. Lead characters:

The Change Agent:

Mr. Keating is the change agent. He is a former student of the school and understands it’s conservative traditions and policies.

The Transformable Character:

Keating’s students are the transformable characters.

The Oppression:

The strict, conservative traditions of the school.

3. How are we lured into the profound journey?

Mr. Keating’s theatrical, exciting ways of teaching. He challenges the students to look at things from a different perspective and try new things. He encourages them to break the rules. Most of the boys are intrigued by this.

4. Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the profound journey? From “old ways” to “new way of being.”

OLD WAYS:

Todd Anderson: is quiet, hates to talk, keeps to himself. Seems insecure, nervous. He tears up the piece of paper he wrote “carpe diem” on.

Neil Perry: is confident and outgoing, a leader. But is controlled by his father and cannot stand up to him.

Knox Overstreet: is attracted to a girl, Chris, but is afraid to approach her.

Charlie Dalton: is outgoing, rebellious.

Richard Cameron: is an overachiever and follows the rules.

NEW WAYS:

Todd Anderson: having failed to write a poem, Mr. Keating takes Todd on an exercise in self-expression through which he spontaneously creates a great poem. At first he refuses to attend the Dead Poet Society meetings but eventually does go.

Neil Perry: discovers Mr. Keating’s poetry book and his old Dead Poets Society. Neil starts up a new Dead Poets Society. Also, he wants to act and successfully auditions for the lead in a play.

Knox Overstreet: overcomes his fear and goes after Chris. Eventually she agrees to go out with him to the play.

Charlie Dalton: invites girls to join the Dead Poets Society. He writes an article in the school newspaper demanding girls be accepted into Welton.

Richard Cameron: remains following the rules, and turns against Me. Keating.

5.THE GRADIENT CHANGE

– Keating shows the boys the photos of previous students now long dead and encourages his students to seize the day.

– Keating has them rip out the introduction pages to the poetry book.

– Keating takes them outside to walk as individuals, unconventionally.

– Neil and the boys create a new Dead Poet’s Society.

– They refer to Keating as , “O Captain, my Captain”.

– Neil auditions for the play

– Neil act in the play.

– Knox pursues Chris.

-Todd spontaneously creates a poem

6. How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?

Mr. Keating challenges the old traditional ways of the Welton Academy. Through poetry and unconventional activities, he encourages the boys to think for themselves and live life fully.

7. What are the most profound moments of the movie?

– Keating has them rip out the introduction pages to the poetry book.

– Keating has the class stand on their desks to gain a new perspective.

– Keating takes them outside to walk unconventionally, as individuals.

– Neil and the boys create a new Dead Poet’s Society.

– Neil auditions for the play

– Knox gets date with Chris

– Neil acts in the play despite his father’s disapproval

– After Keating has been fired, he enters the class, Nolan tells him to leave. but Todd stands up on his desk and says “O Captain, my Captain”. The other boys do the same.

8. What are the most profound lines of the movie?

– Keating, “In my class you will learn to think for yourself.”

– Keating, “Words and ideas can change the world.”

– Keating, “Carpe Diem – Seize the day.”

– Keating, “The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.”

– Keating, “We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race and the human race is filled with passion. You are here because life exists in identity and the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.”

– Keating. “You must strive to fine your own voice because the longer you wait the less likely you are to find it at all.”

– Keating, “Mr. Anderson thinks that everything inside of him is worthless and embarrassing.”

– Neil tries to get Todd to speak up & come to the meeting, “you can learn to be someone people will listen to.”

– Neil’s closing speech in the play seems to apply to his father.

– At the end when the boys say, “O Captain, my Captain.”

9. How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?

– Most of the boys have learned to think for themselves and follow their passions.

– Richard Cameron the “boot-licker” who follows the rules turns against Mr. Keating

– Mr. Keating is fired for is unorthodox ways, but is proud of the boys and earned their respect.

10. What is the Profound Truth of this movie?

Carpe Diem. Seize the day before you die.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone LEAD CHARACTERS

I learned what a Betraying Character is, and that Mike is the Betraying Character. He is also a secondary Change Agent.

1.Transformational Journey Logline

An American Indian who has rejected his culture/heritage is confronted by an alien bent on killing his white friends. Only by embracing his native spirituality can he save his friends.

2. The Change Agent: Kit

Kit and her friends are experiencing dangerous paranormal events in a remote ghost town. She recognizes that this was the town in the 1870s that was at war with the local Indians. She recalls the legend that an alien helped fight for the Indians. The alien was captured by the townspeople and sealed in a mine shaft. The town was then deserted.

The alien despises white people. Dennis is Indian and she realizes that only he can deal with the alien and save them. Kit gradually tries to get Dennis to recognize and accept his uniqueness, heritage and his strengths.

3. THE TRANSFORMABLE CHARACTER: Dennis

Dennis is Indian but lives as a white person. He rejected his heritage due to his impoverished childhood and alcoholic parents. He is embarrassed by much of the Indian culture. He scoffs at Kit’s attempts to get him to embrace his culture.

4. THE OPPRESSION

The paranormal threats of the alien.

As the scares and dangers build in the ghost town and Kit reveals the town’s history, she and her friends realize that only Dennis has the power to deal with the alien.

5. BETRAYING CHARACTER: Mike

Mike is a bigot. He resents Indians. Even though Dennis behaves as white, Mike ridicules and taunts him. When he realizes that Dennis is their only hope in dealing with the alien, he encourages Dennis to change. But as Dennis begins his transformation, Mike freaks out and attempts to sabotage it. This puts all in danger.

Mike could also be an agent of change. His ridiculing of Dennis could help motivate Dennis to do something to gain insights into his heritage.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone’s Transformational Journey

What I learned is where the journey begins for the transformational character and where it is likely to end. I filled in the edges of the puzzle.

1. Logline for the transformational journey:

An American Indian who has rejected his culture/heritage is confronted by an alien bent on killing his white friends. Only by embracing his native spirituality can he save his friends.

2. The Old Ways:

He lives in the dominant white world and disdains his heritage. He sees most Indians as poor, uneducated, and addicted.

3. The New Way:

He recognizes the natural qualities of his culture within himself. They are powerful and positive qualities. He embraces them and will use them to help his people.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone’s First Three Decisions

I learned a clearer understanding of the story’s profound truth. Also, that it must affect and change the audience.

1. The profound Truth: each of us has unique qualities that should be appreciated by ourselves and by others.

2. Change in the Audience: they will be open to recognizing their unique qualities and those of others.

3. The Entertainment Vehicle: is the World I set it in.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone Analysis of Groundhog Day

I saw Groundhog Day when it first came out. I enjoyed it as a comedy with a quirky premise. What I now learned was to see it at a deeper level, not just the surface. I am recognizing the profound elements of this film.

1. The Change is going from an ego centric, self-centered person to a caring, giving person. Becoming the best person you can be.

2. Change Agent: Rita. She is a happy, kind, giving woman.

Transformable Character: Phil. He is the transformable character. He is only interested in himself and barely tolerates others. He talks down to Rita, Larry and everyone he comes into contact with.

The oppression is the continuing re-occurring day, Groundhog Day.

3. At the beginning we learn that Phil’s goal is to land a bigger, better position at a more prestigious TV network. Wanting to know if he would succeed lured me into the story. Also interested in seeing the groundhog day festivities.

4. Phil changed the most. His old way was self-centered, uncaring for others. His new way of being was caring, helping and loving others.

Rita is changed to a lesser degree. She originally saw Phil as the insufferable self-centered jerk he was, not a man she could be close to. Eventually, she saw the goodness in him and fell in love with him.

5. Phil is with the two drunks from the bowling alley he realizes he can do whatever he likes, it doesn’t matter because it will all be gone the next day. At some point he becomes attracted to Rita and each day he learns something new about her. He uses this knowledge to impress her and get her to like him. However, she sees through him and rejects him.

He then goes to a dark place and tries to kill himself several times. He fails.

6. Groundhog Day will keep repeating for Phil as long as he continues in his old ways. He eventually realizes he must treat others better and make the best of each day in order to stop this repeating cycle.

7. The most profound moments are when Phil admits to Rita that he is a jerk, and that she is an angel to him. Also, when Phil helps others, such as saving the old bum, fixing the flat tire for the old ladies, and catching the boy falling from the tree.

8. Profound lines: Phil: “I don’t even like myself”; “I am a jerk”; “You’re the kindest, sweetest, prettiest person I’ve ever seen in my life”; “The first time I saw you something happened to me”.

Rita: “Maybe it’s not a curse”.

9. The payoff is Phil is a changed man and his goodness causes Rita to fall in love with him.

10. The profound truth is that no matter how bad a day may be, we should always try to be the best person we can.

[Patrick Malone]

Hello everyone on this course, I am Patrick Malone. I’ve written 2 screenplays, 2 TV pilots, a short drama and some documentaries. I have also been a film editor for many years. I am taking the Profound course to help give my scripts a deeper level of meaning. I have a basic concept for a horror/ sci-fi that I’ll be working with for the course. I hope to apply what I learn to all my scripts.

I’ve taken several ScreenwritingU courses, all very good and helpful. Currently I am marketing one of my screenplays.

Something unusual: I was once riding my motorcycle in London, England and was pulled over my MI5. The day before, the IRA had detonated bombs on motorcycles. My bike had Irish plates.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone

I agree to the terms of this release form.

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Patrick Malone]

Cheryl, in lesson 9 Hal said, You’ll find the two-part critique videos on the forums.

I cannot find these. Can you direct me to them?

Thanks, Patrick

[Patrick Malone]

LOGLINE: Northerner Nick tries to hire John to guide a trek into the Southern wilderness.

ESSENCE: Nick wants to know if the stories of lost Confederate gold are more than just rumors. John tries to learn Nick’s intentions.

SCENE:

EXT. SCIPIO CREEK MARINA – FLORIDA – DAY

Dozens of colorful shrimp boats are moored in this basin off the Apalachicola River.

NICK, mid-forties, well-dressed in casual street clothes, makes his way from his car to the docks. He is aware that several shrimp fishermen are eyeing him as he cautiously treads along a dock. Then he sees it, the Miss Lee.

EXT. MISS LEE – DAY

NICK, a tall brawny forty year old, works on deck of his fifty-foot shrimp boat.

NICK (Northern accent)

Miss Lee, she’s a beauty. You must be John Grier.

JOHN (Southern accent)

Who’s inquiring?

NICK

Buddy Ward said I could find you here.

JOHN

You must be the fellow he mentioned.

John motions for Nick to come aboard. Nick climbs onto the deck.

NICK

Nick Fairfield.

He extends his hand, but John does not reciprocate. Nick surveys the boat.

NICK (CONT’D)

Must be a lot of work operating one of these. I assume dangerous at times.

JOHN

The Gulf can rear up. Gales, hurricanes. I thrive on challenges.

NICK

That’s what I like to hear. I’m looking to organize a trek. Word has it you’re well acquainted with the wilderness in these parts.

JOHN

So they say. You’re not from ’round here. New York?

NICK

Philly.

John chuckles.

JOHN

You come what, 1200 miles to go on a hike?

NICK

It’s a little more than that. Let’s just say I’m looking for a remote place to develop.

JOHN

Like a fish camp, a hunting lodge?

NICK

You rescued a kid from a swamp in Tate’s Hell?

John nods ‘Yes’.

NICK (CONT’D)

Impressive.

JOHN

You’re looking to go into Tate’s Hell?

NICK

It’s a possibility. Are you acquainted with a Clark Grady?

JOHN

Why?

NICK

He’s something of a local history buff. He could be helpful.

JOHN

Clark is no outdoors man.

NICK

I’m thinking he could offer other areas to explore.

JOHN

Explore? What is it you’re searching for?

NICK

Clark’s grandfather supposedly disappeared on a search. Clark should know where.

JOHN

Huh. For an outsider you’re awfully well-informed. Lots have vanished. People snooping where they shouldn’t.

NICK

That’s why I can use your skills.

JOHN

What’s your surname again?

NICK

Fairfield.

JOHN

Interesting. You ever study the war?

NICK

The war?

JOHN

The American Civil War. The Yankees set up a blockade here in Apalachicola. Cut the river off

from the Gulf of Mexico. Practically killed the town.

NICK

Didn’t know.

JOHN

Maybe you know about the Confederates’ attempt to move valuables from New Orleans through here to safety in Georgia.

NICK

News to me.

JOHN

Those Confederates were attacked by a band of Yankees. The treasure never made it to safety.

NICK

What kind of treasure?

JOHN

Coins, ingots. Gold. Just vanished.

NICK

Quite the interesting story.

JOHN

What you should find particularly interesting is the Yankee commander’s name.

John pauses. Then…

JOHN (CONT’D)

Fairfield. Colonel Cassius Fairfield.

Nick contemplates this then breaks into a laugh.

NICK

Well, that is a coincidence. I don’t have any such ancestors. No. Let me skip to the core of the matter. I pay generously. Five thousand dollars.

John just stares at Nick.

NICK

Your Miss Lee here looks like she’s in need of an overhaul.

JOHN

Not interested.

NICK

Six thousand if you introduce me to Clark.

JOHN

My friendship is not a bargaining chip.

NICK

Admirable, but disappointing. At least you confirmed that the lost gold is more than a rumor.

JOHN

Clever. And you’ve more or less revealed that you’re searching for the lost gold your ancestor

attempted to steal.

NICK

You just might regret your decision.

JOHN

It’s time you leave.

Nick steps close to John

NICK

You’re not going to lead Clark Grady’s search.

Nick grabs a metal bar and swings it at John. He ducks. John flicks a net around Nick’s legs and hauls him down. John picks up a large metal hook and hovers over Nick.

JOHN

Get the fuck off my boat. Get up.

John hauls Nick up and pushes him over the gunnel. Nick drops to the dock.

JOHN (CONT’D)

Good luck trekking through Tate’s Hell.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

TRENT & ROBERT DRAFT 2

INT. NIGHT CLUB – NIGHT

Early evening, not very busy. TRENT, a meticulously dressed hipster, saunters up to attendant ANGIE. She stands by the door to a private VIP section.

TRENT

Angie, just who I hoped to see.

Angie looks as if she doesn’t know the man.

TRENT (CONT’D)

I’m having a little meeting with an associate and need some privacy…

He looks to the VIP room.

ANGIE

You need to pre-book the VIP room.

TRENT

This is kind of last minute. He’ll be here any moment. We’ll only need like ten minutes.

ANGIE

Your name.

TRENT

Trent, of course. You know I’m always here with Depp and Slash.

ANGIE

Huh.

He flashes a huge smile.

ANGIE (CONT’D)

It’s booked for eight.

Trent sees his associate ROBERT across the room. Robert is dressed casually. He walks with hesitation as he feels out of place.

TRENT

Robert. Ten minutes is all.

ANGIE

I don’t – –

TRENT

– – I promise I’ll make it worthwhile.

He presses two twenties in Angie’s palm.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Bieber is coming to town. His whole entourage will fill your club. We’re like this.

He clasps his hands together. Angie smiles. Robert approaches.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Robert. I was telling Angie all about your accomplishments.

ROBERT

Hello Angie. Love the name.

TRENT

I booked the VIP. Had to pull rank on a top producer to get it.

Trent steps into the VIP room.

ROBERT

(to Angie)

Trent takes after me. Beautiful neckless, Angie.

He joins Trent in the VIP room.

INT. VIP ROOM – NIGHT

It’s a small, well-appointed room with a liquor cabinet.

ROBERT

What a marvelous, posh little hideaway.

TRENT

It’s one of my regular haunts. Angie and the staff go out of their way to cater to me.

ROBERT

You obviously have done well for yourself. Fashionable clothing, high-tone hangouts. Probably some hot babes. Right?

TRENT

A tip, be generous with de l’argent and you’ll be treated like this is your very home.

ROBERT

I was hoping to have a drink, but the cabinet appears to be locked.

TRENT

Oh, someone will be in shortly. Have a seat.

They sit at a table.

ROBERT

So, Trent, what’s the occasion? We don’t normally socialize.

TRENT

I want to commend you on how you’ve been advising Lindsey.

ROBERT

Thanks.

TRENT

You seemed to came out of nowhere and in so little time are hanging with Lindsey.

ROBERT

I’ve been a big, no a gigantic admirer of her talent. Such a voice. She is one very special lady

and deserves the best.

TRENT

You are absolutely correct. The best.

ROBERT

We just clicked. I was surprised she’d listen to me, but we hit it off. Maybe I don’t deserve it, but I do what I can.

TRENT

Well, that’s something. Remind me what you were doing before clicking with Lindsey.

ROBERT

Um, PR with some bands.

TRENT

Which ones?

ROBERT

You know some metal, various artists. The usual.

TRENT

Well, Lindsey’s not easily impressed. You must have the touch.

ROBERT

I could really use a drink.

TRENT

I’m getting a little parched as well. As you must know Lindsey has this big important event coming up soon.

ROBERT

I’m aware.

TRENT

If it goes as planned, which it will, her career will skyrocket to another universe. We don’t want anything to hinder that.

ROBERT

Of course we don’t.

Robert licks his parched lips.

TRENT

You know what, I’m sick of waiting. Guess what? I didn’t come alone.

Trent removes a flask from his jacket pocket. He gets up and selects two glasses and places them on their table.

ROBERT

Finally.

TRENT

I’m always thinking ahead.

He pours a drink for Robert.

ROBERT

Thanks.

Trent sits and starts to pour one for himself.

TRENT

I seem to have miscalculated.

The flask is dry. Robert slides his glass to Trent.

TRENT (CONT’D)

No. You’re my guest.

He slides the drink back to Robert.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Drink slow. Could be awhile ’till the cabinet gets opened.

Robert takes a sip. Trent picks up his empty glass and clinks Robert’s.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Congratulations, I know you’ve had a hand in shaping the big event.

ROBERT

A small role.

TRENT

Are you aware that someone tired to leak a story that Lindsey was heavy into meth?

ROBERT

Noway.

TRENT

That she is unable to function and is becoming reclusive.

ROBERT

Who would do such a thing?

TRENT

Someone was about to spread that malicious gossip. For a big payoff.

Robert stares at Trent.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Congratulations Robert on attempting to sabotage Lindsey’s career. You are that someone.

ROBERT

What? That’s total nonsense.

TRENT

Fortunately we discovered this before you could release these lies.

ROBERT

I would never do anything to jeopardize Lindsey. Never.

TRENT

We have the evidence. Emails, calls to The Enquirer.

ROBERT

That was something totally unrelated to Lindsey.

TRENT

You pulled the same shitty stunt with the actress Paula Amanti.

ROBERT

Never heard of her.

TRENT

No one has. Your ugly gossip wiped her off the map.

Trent tosses a sheet of paper down.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Here’s confirmation from The Enquirer’s editor. They’re killing your fabrication to avoid a suit.

Robert glances at the sheet. Trent stands.

TRENT (CONT’D)

You thought you could step over me, take advantage of me? No. You’re beat.

Robert sweats. He takes one last swig. Trent leaves the VIP room and shuts the door.

Robert sinks into his chair. The sweat is profuse. His face turns red and he starts to choke. He grasps his throat. His mouth foams. Robert collapses on the floor of the VIP room.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

INT. NIGHT CLUB – NIGHT

Early evening, not very busy. TRENT, a well-dressed hipster, saunters up to attendant ANGIE. She stands by the door to a private VIP section.

TRENT
Angie, just who I want to see.

Angie looks as if she doesn’t know the man.

TRENT (CONT’D)
You’re looking so fine. I’m having a little meeting with an associate and need some privacy…

He looks to the VIP room.

ANGIE
You need to pre-book the VIP room.

TRENT
This is kind of last minute. He’ll be here any moment. We’ll just really only need like ten minutes.

ANGIE

Your name.

TRENT

Trent. You must recognize me. I’m always here with Depp and Slash.

He flashes a huge smile.

ANGIE
Slash, huh? It’s booked for eight.

Trent sees his associate ROBERT across the room. Robert moves like he feels out of place.

TRENT
He’s here. Ten minutes is all.

ANGIE

I don’t – –

TRENT
I promise I’ll make it worthwhile.

He presses two twenties in Angie’s palm.

TRENT (CONT’D)
Bieber is coming to town. His whole entourage will fill your club. We’re like this.

He clasps his hands together. Angie smiles. Robert approaches.

TRENT (CONT’D)
Robert. I was telling Angie about you.

ANGIE

Robert.

ROBERT

Angie. Love the name.

TRENT
I booked the VIP. Had to pull rank on a top producer to get it.

Trent steps into the VIP room.

ROBERT (to Angie)

Trent takes after me. Beautiful neckless, Angie.

He joins Trent in the VIP room.

INT. VIP ROOM – NIGHT
It’s a small, well appointed room with a liquor cabinet.

ROBERT
So, you come here often?

TRENT
It’s one of my regular haunts. The staff go out of their way to cater. Angie there loves making everything just perfect for me.

ROBERT

Of course.

TRENT
If you’re generous with de l’argent, you’re treated like this is your home.

ROBERT
I was hoping to have a drink, but the cabinet appears to be locked.

TRENT
Oh, someone will be in shortly. Have a seat.

ROBERT
So, Trent, what’s the occasion? We don’t normally socialize.

TRENT
I want to commend you on how you’ve been helping Lindsey.

ROBERT

Thanks.

TRENT
You seemed to came out of nowhere, and in little time got right in Lindsey’s inner circle.

ROBERT
I’ve been a big, no a gigantic admirer of her talent. Such a voice. She is one very special lady and deserves the best.

TRENT
You are absolutely correct. The best.

ROBERT
We just clicked. I was surprised, but we hit it off and I do what ever I’m able to smooth her journey.

TRENT
Well, that’s something. Remind me what you were doing before clicking with Lindsey.

ROBERT
Um, PR with some bands.

TRENT

Which ones?

ROBERT
You know the usual. Some metal, various artists.

TRENT
Well, Lindsey’s not easily impressed. You must have the touch.

ROBERT
When is Angie or someone going to open the liquor cabinet?

TRENT
I’m getting a little parched as well. Be just a minute. As you must know Lindsey has this big important event coming up soon.

ROBERT

I’m aware.

TRENT
If it goes as planned, which it will, her career will skyrocket to another universe. We don’t want anything to hinder that.

ROBERT

Of course we don’t.

Robert licks his parched lips.

TRENT
You know what, I’m sick of waiting. Guess what? I didn’t come alone.

Trent removes a flask from his jacket pocket. He gets up and selects two glasses and placed them on their table.

ROBERT

Wow. Fantastic.

TRENT
I’m always thinking ahead.

He pours a drink for Robert.

ROBERT

Thanks.

Trent sits and starts to pour one for himself.

TRENT
I seem to have miscalculated.

The flask appears to be dry. Robert slides his glass to Trent.

ROBERT

Have mine.

TRENT

You’re my guest.

He slides the drink to Robert. Robert takes a sip.

TRENT (CONT’D)
As I was saying, we want Lindsey’s event to be a success. And I’m sure you have added your two cents. So congratulations.

Trent picks up his empty glass and clinks Robert’s. Robert takes a second sip.

TRENT (CONT’D)
Are you aware that someone tired to leak a story that Lindsey was heavy into meth?

ROBERT

No. Impossible.

TRENT
That she is unable to function and is becoming reclusive.

ROBERT

That’s not true.

TRENT
We have all the evidence. Someone was about to spread that gossip.

Robert stares at Trent.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Congratulations, Robert on attempting to sabotage Lindsey’s career.

ROBERT

That’s total nonsense.

TRENT
You are that someone.

ROBERT
I would never do anything to jeopardize Lindsey. Never.

TRENT
Fortunately we discovered this before you could release these lies. You are no longer part of the inner circle.

Trent stands.

TRENT (CONT’D)
You thought you could step over me, take advantage of me? No. You’re finished.

Robert takes the last swig of his drink. Trent leaves the VIP room and closes the door.

Robert sinks into his chair. His face turns red. He starts to choke. He grasps his throat. His mouth foams. He collapses on the floor of the VIP room.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Patrick Malone. Reason: reformat

[Patrick Malone]

LESSON 4

Patrick Malone Max Interest Part 1

What I learned was that using one or more interest techniques elevates and makes a scene more compelling.

Sequence from my script “Even Surfers Get the Blues”.

Logline: Lonnie hikes with his guitar through the Mojave Desert to Twentynine Palms.

Essence: Lonnie must save his guitar from mobsters.

Setup: Lonnie just retrieved his guitar from the mobsters who stole it.

EXT. MOJAVE DESERT – NIGHT

Lonnie trudges across the rocky terrain. He stops and switches the guitar case to his other hand and continues on. The quiet is disturbed by a rumbling engine and loud heavy metal music. Lonnie sees the lights of a vehicle traveling across the distant landscape. It disappears into the night.

NOTE: Suspense is created by this loud unknown vehicle.

EXT. MOJAVE DESERT – DAY

In the early morning light, Lonnie reclines against the crumbling stone wall, the remnants of an ancient house. The guitar case rests by his side. He awakes and rubs his eyes. They focus on two pairs of feet. A cigarette butt hits the ground.

MASE (O.S.)

Can’t be the most comfortable spot.

TIM (O.S.)

You’re taking a chance.

Two men, MASE and TIM, look down on Lonnie. He yawns and slowly, cautiously gets to his feet.

NOTE: Concern, who are these men, are they dangerous?

TIM

Rattlers.

Both men are in their late-twenties. Mase is skinny, unkempt with longish hair. Tim’s green t-shirt reveals a muscular build, his head topped with a Marine cut. Mase points to the guitar case.

MASE

You a wandering minstrel or something?

LONNIE

I play a little.

TIM

I’m trying to learn myself. How about a look?

Lonnie picks up the case.

LONNIE

It’s just an old guitar. Nothing special.

MASE

So why you hiding out here?

LONNIE

I’m not hiding. I’m walking to town, Twentynine Palms.

MASE

Say Tim, maybe it’d be worth him showing us if we give him a lift.

TIM

Sounds fair. A deal kid?

MASE

It’ll save you time and leather.

NOTE: Hope that Lonnie will get to town quickly and safely.

The men step up to Lonnie. Mase takes the case, Tim opens it.

TIM

Oh my, this is an old one, huh Mase?

LONNIE

Hey no, just leave it.

Tim ignores him and takes out the guitar.

NOTE: Fear that Mase and Tim will damage or steal the guitar.

TIM

Funny name, Rickenbacher.

LONNIE

It’s pronounced Rickenbacker.

MASE

German. I bet something like this could speed up your learning.

Over-the-top laughs from Mase and Tim.

EXT. MOJAVE DESERT HIGHWAY – DAY

A 1960 WILLY’S JEEP kicks up dust as it rambles across the desert.

INT. WILLY’S JEEP TRUCK – DAY

Tim pops some pills and swallows them with a swig of gin. He passes the bottle to driver Mase. Lonnie sits in back with the guitar.

TIM

Give our friend a swig.

Tim holds the bottle to Lonnie.

LONNIE

No. I don’t handle liquor.

MASE

Drink.

He shoves the bottle at Lonnie, it falls to the floor and lands on a burlap sack by Lonnie’s feet.

Lonnie reaches for the bottle, but something in the sack undulates. He pushes it away and is shocked to hear the rattle of a snake.

LONNIE

Holy shit.

Tim and Mase laugh.

LONNIE

It’s a rattler. Stop. Let me out.

The snake starts to slither out of the sack. Lonnie kicks at it.

NOTE: Surprise and fear that a poisonous rattler is in the Jeep.

LONNIE

Stop this bloody thing.

Mase cranks the wheel and breaks. Lonnie pushes the back of Mase’s seat and reaches for the door handle.

EXT. MOJAVE DESERT – DAY

Mase pops out of the Jeep, Lonnie bursts out.

LONNIE

What the hell is with the rattler?

Lonnie reaches in for his guitar, but the snake glides on top. Mase yanks Lonnie and throws him to the ground.

MASE

You want out, you got it.

As Lonnie starts to get up, Mase kicks him down. Mase jumps into the vehicle.

NOTE: Betrayal, Mase and Tim are not Lonnie’s friends.

LONNIE

The guitar. Come on I need my guitar.

TIM

Yahoo.

Lonnie lays helpless as he watches the Jeep drive off.

NOTE: Fear that Lonnie has once again lost his guitar.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone Profiles People

What I learned is to look to people I know to discover characteristics. Also, to create characters with different 0pr conflicting characteristics.

CHARACTER 1.

– Talkative: never shuts up, talks over movies, TV show, sports.

– Self-absorbed: when someone tells a story, a joke or an event, he immediately turns the topic back to himself. His tales are always funnier, more interesting, or so he believes.

– Obsessive: He buys numerous newspapers each week and painstakingly clips articles. He saves these in cardboard boxes, has at least 100 boxes. He has another 1,000 newspapers piled up waiting to be clipped. He also saves every telephone message and every email he receives.

– Generous/Helpful: Always offers food and drinks when visited. Helps friends financially.

CHARCTER 2.

– Talkative: He talks over other people.

– Poor listener: When he asks a question, he often doesn’t let you finish answering, but answers it himself.

– Delusional: As a former musician, he talks about famous musicians such as Paul McCartney and Bob Seger, as if he knows them and will be performing with them.

– Generous; Loves to make meals for guests.

CHARACTER 3.

– Analytical: She is always inquiring, asking questions

– Adventurous: Rides a motorcycle, skydives.

– Negative opinion of humanity: Makes lots of negative comments about humans.

– Loves nature: Hikes, grows vegetable and flower gardens.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone: Finds the Essence

What I learned is that each scene should have a specific essence. This is the true meaning of the scene, it is more than the expression.

Script I choose: GREEN BOOK

A white nightclub bouncer accepts a job to drive black concert pianist, Dr. Shirley, on a Southern tour.

Scene 1: Copacabana, New York, 1962 – Night
Logline: Frank Vallelonga, known as Tony Lip, hustles for tips by getting guestsgood tables, having their coats checked. He breaks up a fight and beats up a gangster, all in a night’s work.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Essence: Tony is tough, street smart, and stands up for himself. linoleum in the kitchen. Tony’s wife gives the workmen glasses of lemonade. When the two men leave, Tony drops

Scene 2 Location: Tony’s Bronx apartment – Day

Logline: His family watches a Yankee’s game while two black workers put down the glasses in the trash.

Essence: Tony is racist. Has a low opinion of blacks.

Scene 3: Location: Interior Diner – Day

Logline: Dr. Shirley and Tony eat lunch. Shirley asks Tony, “How is that?” Tony answers, ‘Salty’. Shirley suggests Tony should be a food critic, he has such a marvellous way with words.

Essence: Dr. Shirley feels somewhat superior to Tony as he is much more sophisticated and educated than Tony.

Scene 4 Location: Interior Cadillac – Mississippi Highway – Night

Logline: Dr. Shirley is angry with Tony for hitting a cop because the cop insulted him. Dr. Shirley says he’s had to live his whole life dealing with slurs, not just one time. Tony then claims that he is more black that Dr. Shirley because he is poorer and has to work hard just to get by. Dr. Shirley is well off. Dr. Shirley breaks down saying he is very alone, not accepted by whites and rejected by blacks.

Essence: Black or white, both men are humans deserving of dignity and respect.

Scene 5: Location: Birmingham, Alabama, fancy hotel

Logline: Dr. Shirley is to perform here, but is not allowed to eat with the others in the beautiful dining hall. He says he will not play if he cannot eat here. Manager George Kindell takes Tony aside. He sees Tony as a loser for working for a black man. He offers him a $100 if he gets Dr. Shirley to play. Tony pushes Kindell against the wall. Dr. Shirley intervenes. He says he’ll play if Tony wants him too. They will both lose the concert fee if he doesn’t perform. Tony says, “Let’s get the fuck outta here.”

Essence: Tony realizes this is a moment of truth. They must stand up against this bigoted culture. Screw the money.

Scene 4 has the most profound essence. Up until now Dr. Shirley is confident, sophisticated, intelligent and worldly. Little phases him. Here he reveals how he truly feels. He is lonely and doesn’t fit in the black or the white world.

Here is the scene. Tony is referred to as Lip.

INT. CADILLAC – NIGHT

DR. SHIRLEY

You shouldn’t have hit him!

LIP

I didn’t like treating you, the way he was making you stand out in the rain.

DR. SHIRLEY
Please. You hit him because of what he called you. I’ve had to listen to that kind of talk my entire life, you should be able to take it for one night.

LIP
What, I can’t get mad when he says that stuff ‘cause I’m not black? Christ, I’m blacker than you.

Shirley REACTS to this.

DR. SHIRLEY You’re blacker than me?

LIP
You don’t know shit about your own people! What they eat, how they talk, how they live–you don’t even know who Lil’ Richard is!

DR. SHIRLEY
So knowing who Little Richard is makes you blacker than me? I wish you could hear yourself sometimes, Tony–you wouldn’t talk as much.

LIP

Bullshit! I know exactly who I am.

I’m the guy who’s lived on the same block in the same Bronx my entire life, with my mother and father and my brother, and now my wife and kids. That’s it–that’s who I am. I’m the asshole who’s gotta hustle every goddamn day to put food on my table. You? Mr. Big Shot? You travel around the world and live on top of a castle and do concerts for rich people! I live on the streets, you sit on a throne–so yeah, my world is way more blacker than yours!

DR. SHIRLEY

Pull over.

LIP What?

DR. SHIRLEY Pull! Over!

LIP
I ain’t pullin’ over!

DR. SHIRLEY

STOP THE CAR!

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

Lip steers the car to the side of the road. Shirley opens the door, gets out in the rain. Lip looks out the window as Dr. Shirley walks down the drenched, muddy road.

LIP
What are you doin’?!

When Shirley doesn’t stop, Lip gets out, hustles after him.

LIP

Get back in the car!

Shirley keeps walking. Lip catches up, grabs his arm. Shirley turns, his face drenched…

DR. SHIRLEY
Yes, I live in a castle! Alone. And rich white folks let me play piano for them, because it makes them feel cultured. But when I walk off that stage I go right back to being another nigger to them–because that is their true culture. And I suffer that slight alone, because I’m not accepted by my own people, because I’m not like them either! So if I’m not black enough, and I’m not white enough, and I’m not man enough, what am I?!

Tony doesn’t know what to say. They stand in the rain while Shirley tries to compose himself. Lip awkwardly touches Shirley’s shoulder. Shirley turns and walks back to the car, leaving Tony standing alone in the downpour.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone. I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone OUTLINE VERSION 1

TITLE: THE DEAD LAKES

LOGLINE: Despite reports of missing people and legends of a monstrous creature, a group of friends trek through the forests and swamps of the Dead Lakes in search of lost Confederate gold.

HORROR OUTLINE

1.EXT. FOREST, DIRT TRAIL – DAY

Super: 1863 Northern Florida

A band of Union soldiers have just ambushed six Confederate soldiers who were transporting gold to safe location. Confederate Sergeant Roland Johnson and a private, the lone survivors, look out from behind their wagon at the six dead Union soldiers and three dead Confederates.

Unexpectedly,
Union Colonel Cassius Fairfield gets to his feet. He steps toward the
Confederates. He aims his pistol at Sergeant Johnson. A loud thudding
sound moves through. Fairfield’s horse kicks up a fuss. Fairfield sees something, mounts his horse and rides away.

A monstrous creature trudges onto the trail. It picks up a
corpse and bites into it. Terrified,
Sergeant Johnson
and the private escape into the forest. <div>

Horror
Situation: A
monster steps out of the forest and eats a corpse.

Anxiety: Johnson and Henderson have been attacked.

Release: They see all Union soldiers are dead. They are now safe.

Surprise: Union Colonel Fairfield gets to his feet. </div><div>

Fear: Fairfield aims his pistol
at Johnson.

Surprise: A loud thudding sound scares
Fairfield’s horse.

Shock: Fairfield sees something
and rides away.

Release: Sergeant Johnson is saved from a bullet. He and the private are
safe.

Surprise: A monstrous creature trudges onto the trail.

Horror: The monster picks up and
bites into a corpse.

Panic: Terrified Johnson and Henderson
escape into the forest.

2.EXT. APALACHICOLA, FORIDA – RIVER FRONT – DAY

Super: Present Day

Ollie Grier steps off one of the shrimp boats docked along the river. He is greeted by friend Bill Meriwether. They walk toward a bar/restaurant.

3.INT. OYSTER CITY BREWERY – DAY

Ollie sits with Bill, and his best friend Clark Grady. They discuss a plan to search for lost Confederate gold believed hidden by the Dead Lakes. They want Ollie, an outdoors man, to be their guide. Ollie declines.

Grant Fairfield, Max Sedgwick and Fred Dickson watch them from across the room. Grant and Max are Northerners also seeking the gold. Grant is a direct descendant of Colonel Cassius Fairfield.

Max tells Ollie that Grant is upset that he declined to guide their expedition. Max is threatening.

4.EXT. OYSTER CITY BREWERY – DAY

Fred Dickson, a local, approaches Ollie to tell him that he is lucky not to be going with Grant. Grant is a mean, narcissistic bastard who pushes the men too hard.

5.INT. CLARK GRADY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN – NIGHT

Clark and Bill go over their plans locate the lost Confederate gold. They have notes left by Colonel Fairfield and clues left by Clark’s grandfather who searched for the treasure.

When Bill mentions the grandfather vanished in the Dead Lakes, a framed photo of him mysteriously crashes to the floor. The men are spooked.

The backdoor slams and the lights flicker. Clark walks to the back of the house. The door is closed and locked. He returns to the kitchen relieved.

Moments later, a hand taps Clark on the shoulder. He jumps. It’s his fiancé Tammy.

She is concerned about the rumors of people never returning from the Dead Lakes, and of a beast called the Amaruga. Clark and Bill laugh it off.

She is upset that Ollie is not going to guide them as Clark is not well adapted for the wilds.

Horror Situation: Photo falls, door slams, hand touches Clark

Surprise: photo crashes to the floor.

Shock: the door slams

Apprehension: Who or what is in the house.

Creepy Moment: Clark searches house.

Release: Clark finds nothing unusual

Surprise: a hand touches Clark’s shoulder.

Release: it’s Tammy his fiancé.

6.EXT. OLLIE’S HOUSE – DAY

Clare, Ollie’s wife watches Ollie play catch with their five-year-old daughter, Presley.

7.INT. CAR – DAY

Tammy drives. She passes the Chestnut Street Cemetery.

8.EXT. CHESTNUT STREET CEMETERY – DAY

Creepy graves dating from 1831 sit amongst palm trees and moss-covered live oaks. Close on a stone grave marker that reads: <i style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Colonel Cassius Fairfield, Union Army, Born, Dayton, Ohio 1832, Died June 10, 1871, Apalachicola.

9.EXT. CAR – DAY

Tammy’s car turns left by the cemetery and arrives at Ollie’s home.

10.EXT. OLLIE’S HOUSE – DAY

Tammy pleads with Ollie to guide Clark’s trek. Ollie assures her there is no Amaruga.

A bird smashes into the front window. Clare picks it up. They are relieved it’s alive.

Presley bounces the ball into the street. The adults hear the screech of brakes. They turn to see the car an inch from the little girl. They warn her to always be careful, they love her.

Clare says that Ollie needs to help his friends and guide the trek. He agrees as long as he is back home to celebrate Presley’s birthday.

Horror Situation:

Creepy Moment: bird flies into window.

Release: It is alive.

Shock: adults hear car screech to stop.

Apprehension: is Presley hurt?

Release: Presley is fine.

11.EXT. APALACHICOLA RIVER FRONT – DAY

Clark’s group of Bill, Tammy, Ollie and Emmet Floyd load supplies onto a

medium size riverboat. Ollie is acquainted with Emmet and doesn’t trust him.

12.EXT. THE APALACHICOLA RIVER – DAY

The boat cruses up the wide river. Marshes and forests boarder both banks. The boat hits a deadhead that punctures a sizeable hole. It takes on water. Bill relates how the Confederate ship encountered a problem. Sergeant Johnson had to abandon the ship on shore and had it burned to hide it from the Yankees. Ironically, they are close to the spot where the Confederate ship was burned. Clark manages to beach the boat.

Horror Situation: boat hits deadhead, starts to sink.

Surprise: boat strakes deadhead.

Anxiety: will boat sink?

Fear: Bill’s story about the Confederate ship

Release: boat makes it to shore.

13.EXT. RIVER BANK – DAY

They unload their boat. They find partially buried pieces of wood and metal in the muddy shore. Clark gets caught in quicksand. The others quickly extract him. Ollie warns them that there are more dangerous patches of quicksand ahead.

14.EXT. THE FOREST – DAY

A sense of excitement and adventure dominate the group as they hike through thick brush. Clark and Bill relate to the others how Colonel Cassius Fairfield returned after the Civil War and hunted for the gold. He uncovered a few coins, then went insane.

15.EXT. FOREST CLEARING – DAY

The group enters an open area. A middle age woman is tending a small vegetable garden. She is dressed in an old fashion garb. Clarks enquires if she knows where the old 1800’s road is. She senses they are searching for the lost gold. She points in a certain direction.

The group heads in the given direction. The woman stares at the sky as if communicating with someone or something.

16.EXT. THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Sergeant Roland Johnson, dressed in his Confederate uniform, stands by three Cypress trees. He looks to the sky and receives a message. He brushes back the Cypress branches and enters an opening.

Horror Situation:

Shock: How can this Civil War soldier be alive?

Apprehension: What is he up to?

17.EXT. FOREST – DAY

Ollie doesn’t think this is the right direction. Suddenly their compasses go wonky, spinning wildly. Ollie and Clark argue about which way to go. Tammy backs Ollie and they head the way he suggests. They come upon:

18.EXT. FORMER 1800’S ROAD -DAY

This old dirt road is long overgrown. Soon they reach the spot where the 1863 ambush took place. Using a metal detector they uncover bullet casings, a Confederate belt buckle, and a rusted hand gun. And Bill finds two 1850s gold coins. Excitement all around.

19.EXT. FOREST – DAY

As they continue, Bill is pestered by insects, the others are not. A little later a cotton mouth tries to strike Bill. Then a few snakes slither after him and cross his path.

Horror Situation: Bill is plagued by insects and snakes.

Anxiety: why pester only Bill?

Fear: will snakes bite Bill?

20.EXT. FOREST CLEARING – DAY

Grant Fairfield and his men hike into the clearing and meet the forest woman. She recognizes their Northern accents. They ask if another group has come through here. She says yes and points Grant in the opposite direction. They continue on. The woman walks to her cabin.

21. INT. CABIN – DAY

As the forest woman enters the cabin she transforms from middle age into an ancient hag. She gets an old wooden container and takes out tiny shavings of gold. She mixes some with water and drinks it.

Horror Situation: woman turns from middle age to ancient.

Shock: for the audience, how and why did this happen?

Surprise. The woman drinks gold shavings.

22.EXT. FOREST – DAY

Clark finds a symbol etched into a tree; according to his map this is a mark left by the Confederates. They are on the right trail.

They hear the rustle of vegetation and twigs snapping behind them. They slow down and look back – nothing. Then a wild boar charges head-on at them. It skims inches past Bill. It stops, snorts, and paws the ground before talking off.

LATER:

The group stops to rest and eat. Insects continue to pester Bill. A copperhead tries to bite him. They have difficulty starting a fire.

The group hears footsteps and voices approaching. Grant Fairfield’s party appears. Clark is surprised and annoyed. Why are they here, how did they find them? Grant thanks Emmet for informing him about Clark’s venture.

Grant and Max pull guns on Clark’s people and tie them up. They take Ollie’s rifle. Max steals Clark’s map. Fred Dickson pockets Bill’s two gold coins. The Northern interlopers continue on their search.

23.EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

It’s two hours since Grant tied up Clark’s team. They are finally cutting themselves loose. They are angry with Emmett. Clark is furious that his map is gone. He wants to go after Grant, now. Ollie decides they will camp here tonight.

24.EXT. FOREST CAMPSITE – NIGHT

Tents are set up. All but Emmett are gathered around a campfire. No insects or snakes around Bill. Emmett startles them by tramping around in the bush. He’s drunk.

LATER:

Emmet sleeps in the open. A movement in the forest wakes him. He looks around. He sniffs the air; a foul smell. Several yards off through the trees he sees two glowing green orbs. More rustling. The orbs drift away.

Tammy is awakened by the pungent odor. She coughs. She starts to open her tent when she hears horrific shrieks far in the distance. She pulls her sleeping bag over her head.

Horror Situation: pungent odor, glowing green orbs, horrifying screech

Apprehension: Emmett smells something terrible

Fear: Emmett sees glowing green eyes.

Fear: Emmett and Tammy hear shrieks.

25.EXT. FOREST CAMPSITE – DAY

The next morning the group breaks camp. Tammy tells others about the shrieks. No one else heard it. Emmett says he saw glowing green orbs. No one believes him as he was drunk. Clark leads his troop further into the forest.

26.EXT. INDIAN BURIAL MOUND – DAY

They come upon an Indian burial mound. Neither Clark nor Bill recall any reference to this. Are they on the right path? Clark’s anxiety heightens. He needs the map.

They hear something crunch through the vegetation up ahead. Then moaning and gaging sounds. A breeze picks up a disgusting odor. A man struggles and crawls through the brush 50 feet ahead. They slowly walk toward the him. Clark screams. He almost stepped on a bloody human arm.

The man struggles to his feet and trudges into a thicket. Clark and Tammy refuse to go any further. Ollie, Bill and Emmett venture into the thicket.

They discover a badly beaten body with skin torn from half its face. The three men are in shock. They recognize the man as Victor Lennox, a member of Grant’s group.

Ollie believes the man was attacked by a wild boar. However, we see strange huge three-towed footprints.

Horror Situation:

Apprehension: the disgusting odor, a crawling man.

Shock: a human arm in a pool of blood

Fear: what did this?

Suspense/Dread: Ollie, Bill and Emmett follow crawling man into thicket.

Shock/Anguish: discovery of mangled dead man.

27.EXT. FOREST – DAY

The group debate if they should they continue on. Clark insists they do. But they must catch up to Grant’s men and get the map. Tammy decides to go ahead to retrieve the map. She is fleet of foot. The others tell her no. Emmet says he’ll go with her. They forbid that. Tammy goes on her own.

28.EXT. FOREST – DAY

Tammy hikes alone.

29.EXT. FOREST NEAR THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Tammy hides in the brush and observes Max Sedgwick and Grant Fairfield studying the map. A copperhead slithers toward Tammy. She tenses and holds back a scream. The snake glides by her.

Moments later a man yells. Fred Dickson, who stole the two gold coins, fights off the copperhead. The two gold coins are attracting a negative force.

Max puts the map down. He and Grant go check on Fred. Tammy sneaks in and grab the map. Suddenly the wind picks up. Heavy footsteps thud in the distance. The campfire goes out. A putrid smell fills the air. A horrendous screech sounds. A mini twister hits the site.

In a panic, Fred runs directly by Tammy and knocks her off her feet. She looks up to see Fred dart through the trees. A pair of glowing green orbs move toward him. A moment later he lets out a dreadful scream.

Grant and Max are lying on the ground. Body parts are flung at them. Tammy gets up, map in hand, and scrambles away. After a few moments she hears something crashing through the forest behind her. She runs faster, but trips and falls. A hand grabs her. It’s Max. He hauls her up and drags her back to Grant.

Horror Situation:

Fear: Tammy and Fred confronted by a poisonous snake.

Apprehension: the putrid smell, the fire going out spell trouble

Fear: thudding footsteps, horrific screech.

Shock: mini twister levels the site.

Suspense: Tammy runs and is pursued by something.

Surprise: It’s Max chasing Tammy and capturing her.

30.EXT. FOREST NEAR THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Clark and company stumble onto the site of the mini twister. Ollie finds his stolen rifle. They find a human arm and a foot and a mangled body. Ollie recognizes it as Fred Dickson from town.

Bill admits that Tammy was correct, there is a monster. He wants to turn back. Clark is the most terrified, but is determined to find the gold. Ollie reminds them that they need to find Tammy. They press on.

Horror Situation:

Shock/Horror: finding body parts and disfigured body

Anguish: over their dead acquaintance.

Apprehension: what horror may be ahead of them?

31.EXT. DEAD LAKES – DAY

A huge prehistoric swamp dotted with Cypress trees and thousands of skeletons of dead trees. Creepy nature sounds. Clark, Ollie, Bill, and Emmett trek along the shore.

Clark’s foot catches on a root. He loses his balance and hits the ground.

Suddenly a gator lunges from a thicket. Bill and Ollie freeze for a few seconds before Ollie grabs Clark’s arm and pulls him away. Bill waves his arms and yells at the gator and it slinks into the swamp.

Clark keeps an eye on the water as they hike.

Horror Situation:

Creepy moment: the spooky Dead Lakes

Surprise: Clark trips on a root.

Release: he is okay

Surprise: Clark trips on a rock

Shock: alligator lungers at him

Fear: danger from alligator

Release: Bill scares alligator away

32.EXT. DEAD LAKES – NIGHT

The men camp. Sounds of insects and frogs abound. Ollie, Bill and Emmett are eating by the campfire. Clark is alone, agitated, pacing by his tent. Ollie joins him. Clark confides to Ollie that he is worried about Tammy.

A figure lurks in the dark. It watches Clark amble away and Ollie head back to the fire. The figure steps between two of the tents. Clark gets a quick look. Emmett too glimpses it. It’s a Confederate soldier. Clark blinks and the Confederate is gone. Clark starts toward the other men, but instead goes to his tent.

LATER:

As Ollie, Bill and Emmett talk by the fire, a sudden breeze picks up. The insects and frogs go quiet. The fire goes out. A couple of snakes slither near them. A heavy thudding sound moves toward them through the woods. A horrendous screech echoes. The air smells like rancid meat. Emmett projectile vomits.

They see the glowing green discs – huge eyes. The breeze whips into a gale and tosses Emmett into the brush. Bill is flung against a tree. Ollie is knocked to the ground. He manages to crawl behind large rock.

The tents collapse. Clark’s tent is wrapped around him, trapping him.

Amaruga trudges toward Emmett. Ollie finds his rifle and fires. Amaruga halts and looks to Ollie. The terrified Emmett scrambles ‌out of its reach. Ollie shoots Amaruga repeatedly. It grunts, turns away and slogs off into the forest.

Clark’s cries attract the others. They free him from the tent. He collapses whimpering and weeping. Bill is hurt, holds his side.

Emmett produces his liquor bottle and they all drink. Things calm down. They are safe.

Suddenly Emmett breaks into an angry rant. He grabs the rifle and dashes into the woods. He shoots randomly. A few snakes crawl toward him. Ollie runs after him. Emmett runs right into a nest of snakes. He falls. The vipers crawl all over him.

Amaruga unexpectedly appears. Ollie picks up the rifle. A long claw on one of the creatures three fingers reaches for Emmett. Ollie fires but the chamber is empty. The claw impales Emmett. It lifts him and sinks its fangs into him. Ollie and Bill scream at the monster. It turns and carries Emmett toward the swamp. Clark stares in disbelief.

Horror Situation:

Creepy Moment: the appearance of the Confederate soldier.

Apprehension: the putrid smell, the fire going out spell trouble

Fear: thudding footsteps, horrific screech, the glowing green eyes

Shock: the gale tosses the men, levels the site.

Horror: the men see the monster for the first time.

Surprise: bullets do not harm the monster.

Release: Amaruga leaves, the men are safe and relax

Panic: Emmett freaks out, irrationally runs.

Horror: Emmett is covered in snakes.

Shock: Amaruga reappears.

Horror: Amaruga kills Emmett.

33.EXT. THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Grant and Max, with Tammy in tow, hike along the edge of a swamp by the Lakes as they follow the map. Several yards offshore the water bubbles. They glimpse something large move under water. Two glowing green orbs are visible just beneath the surface.

They start to run, but Max and Tammy get stuck in thick mud. It’s quicksand. Grant helps Max, out. They reach for Tammy, but a gator springs at them. The men run off leaving Tammy to her fate.

Horror Situation:

Fear: they see glowing green orbs under the water.

Surprise: Max and Tammy caught in quicksand.

Suspense/Fear: Tammy left stuck in quicksand.

34.EXT. THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Ollie and Bill find an old wooden rowboat. They row it out into the lake. It’s a short cut to a point of land Bill believes is close to the hidden gold.

35.EXT. POINT OF LAND – DAY

Ollie and Bill spot Max on shore. Ollie rows the boat ashore, out of sight from Max. Bill remains by the rowboat as Ollie heads toward a cluster of three Cypress trees. Bill notices something huge moving under water toward the three Cypress trees.

36.EXT. THE THREE CYPRESS TREES – DAY

Behind the three Cypress trees, Ollie discovers a hollow that leads underground. He enters.

37.INT. TUNNEL – DAY

Ollie follows a passage. Suddenly, he is attacked by Grant. Grant knocks Ollie unconscious.

Grant turns into a second passageway. He is delighted to see a few gold coins and gold shavings scattered on the dirt floor. The treasure must be in reach.

The earth starts to rumble and shake. The tunnel floor erupts. Grant freezes. Amaruga explodes from the hole. Grant screams and runs. Amaruga plods after him. Grant finds a narrow opening in the ceiling and wedges himself in.

Horror Situation:

Surprise: the tunnel floor erupts

Shock: Amaruga erupts out of the ground

38.EXT. THE THREE CYPRESS TREES – DAY

Grant pulls himself out into daylight through a small opening in the rock. He runs along the shore of the lake.

Amaruga bursts from that main entrance. It spots Grant and starts its pursuit. Max signals to him to hurry. Grant trips. Amaruga closes in. Grant gets to his feet. Amaruga unleashes a mini twister. It engulfs Grant.

Ollie stumbles from the cave to see the twister rip off Grants clothes and peel away his skin. Amaruga pounces on Grant. Max screams and runs into the woods.

Bill waves to Ollie to get out of there. Ollie dashes into the forest. Bill rows out into the lake.

Horror Situation:

Suspense: will Grant out run Amaruga?

Fear: Amaruga can destroy Grant

Horror: Amaruga peels off Grant’s skin, kills him.

39. FOREST BY DEAD LAKES – DAY

Ollie hikes to safety. A gunshot rings out. Max steps out from behind a tree. He mocks Ollie and takes aim. The trees shudder. Amaruga shoots a long sharp claw that impales Max. It lifts him and dives into the lake drowning Max.

Horror Situation:

Surprise: Max appears and shoots at Ollie

Fear: will Ollie get shot?

Shock: Amaruga surprises Max

Horror: Amaruga impales and drowns Max.

40.EXT. FOREST THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Ollie sloshes waist deep through a Cypress swamp. He reaches solid ground terrified and exhausted. He hears something tramping toward him. He takes cover. To his surprise, it’s Tammy and Clark.

We learn that Clark came across Tammy and extracted her from the quicksand. Ollie tells them about the cave and escaping from Amaruga.

They hear the screech. Amaruga is coming for them. The three scurry away. Heavy thudding footsteps follow them.

Ollie has lost his rifle to repel the monster. But Tammy has figured out that it must be fearful of fire; campfires go out when it’s nearby.

Quickly they gather wood and brush and start a line of fire. As Amaruga gets closer, Clark gets angry. His anger turns to panic. He picks up a burning stick and charges toward Amaruga. Tammy yells for him to stay back.

Amaruga exhales a monstrous breath toward Clark. The breath causes the burning sick to burst into a huge flame. Clark is set on fire. Tammy screams and runs to her fiancé. He collapses in a ball of fire. She falls to the ground weeping and wailing. Ollie is stunned seeing his best friend die.

Amaruga plods ever closer to Tammy. She is too hysterical to escape. Amaruga’s three clawed fingers reache for her. Ollie runs and yells at the creature. It turns its attention on him.

Ollie runs back through the wall of flames. He taunts the monster. Amaruga unleashes a mini twister. The twister hits the flames and the fire explodes. It roars back at Amaruga scorching the monster. The wall of flames obscures Ollie’s view, but he hears the creature’s agonizing screeches.

Ollie goes and holds the terrified Tammy.

Horror Situation:

Fear: Amaruga pursues Ollie, Clark and Tammy.

Suspense: will they escape the monster?

Hysteria: Clark freaks out and attacks Amaruga

Dread: Ollie runs toward Amaruga

Horror: Clark is burned alive.

Anguish: Tammy sees her fiancé die; Ollie sees his best friend die.

41.INT. OLLIE’S HOME – DAY

Four little kids and parents attend Presley’s birthday party. Clare, Ollie’s wife, is relieved he and Tammy are safe. But they are concerned that Bill is still out in the wilds. Tammy is listless.

Ollie’s gift for Presley are two gold coins and a gold ingot. They’re to be kept for the future. They are proof that there is a treasure of lost Confederate gold. But will they risk another attempt to retrieve it?

42.INT. FOREST WOMAN’S CABIN – DAY

Sergeant Roland Johnson sits with the ancient looking woman. He opens a sack and spills gold ingots onto the table. He trims off thin shavings. She tells him that he’s the most loving husband. She sprinkles the gold shavings on some food and takes a bite. She transforms back to middle age. Sergeant Johnson assures her that Amaruga has also been fed.

The End

</div>

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone OUTLINE VERSION 1

What I learned was that creating this detailed outline was made easy by using the building blocks I created in previous lessons. I’m not one to write outlines, but now I am more likely to do them.

THE DEAD LAKES

1.EXT. FOREST, DIRT TRAIL – DAY

Super: 1863 Northern Florida

A band of Union soldiers have just ambushed six Confederate soldiers who were transporting gold to safe location. Confederate Sergeant Roland Johnson and a private, the lone survivors, look out from behind their wagon at the six dead Union soldiers and three dead Confederates.

Unexpectedly,
Union Colonel Cassius Fairfield gets to his feet. He steps toward the
Confederates. He aims his pistol at Sergeant Johnson. A loud thudding
sound moves through. Fairfield’s horse kicks up a fuss. Fairfield sees something, mounts his horse and rides away.

A monstrous creature trudges onto the trail. It picks up a
corpse and bites into it. Terrified,
Sergeant Johnson
and the private escape into the forest.<div>

Horror
Situation: A
monster steps out of the forest and eats a corpse.

Anxiety: Johnson and Henderson have been attacked.

Release: They see all Union soldiers are dead. They are now safe.

Surprise: Union Colonel Fairfield gets to his feet.</div><div>

Fear: Fairfield aims his pistol
at Johnson.

Scare: A loud thudding sound scares
Fairfield’s horse.

Shock: Fairfield sees something
and rides away.

Release: Sergeant Johnson is saved from a bullet. He and the private are
safe.

Surprise: A monstrous creature trudges onto the trail.

Horror: The monster picks up and
bites into a corpse.

Panic: Terrified Johnson and Henderson
escape into the forest.

2.EXT. APALACHICOLA, FORIDA – RIVER FRONT – DAY

Super: Present Day

Ollie Grier steps off one of the shrimp boats docked along the river. He is greeted by friend Bill Meriwether. They walk toward a bar/restaurant.

3.INT. OYSTER CITY BREWERY – DAY

Ollie sits with Bill, and his best friend Clark Grady. They discuss a plan to search for lost Confederate gold believed hidden by the Dead Lakes. They want Ollie, an outdoors man, to be their guide. Ollie declines.

Grant Fairfield, Max Sedgwick and Fred Dickson watch them from across the room. Grant and Max are Northerners also seeking the gold. Grant is a direct descendant of Colonel Cassius Fairfield. Max tells Ollie that Grant is upset that he declined to guide their expedition. Max is threatening.

4.EXT. OYSTER CITY BREWERY – DAY

Fred Dickson, a local, approaches Ollie to tell him that he is lucky not to be going with Grant. Grant is a mean, narcissistic bastard who pushes the men too hard.

5.INT. CLARK GRADY’S HOUSE, KITCHEN – NIGHT

Clark and Bill go over their plans locate the lost Confederate gold. They have notes left by Colonel Fairfield and clues left by Clark’s grandfather who searched for the treasure.

When Bill mentions the grandfather vanished in the Dead Lakes, a framed photo of him mysteriously crashes to the floor. The men are spooked.

The backdoor slams and the lights flicker. Clark walks to the back of the house. The door is closed and locked. He returns to the kitchen relieved.

Moments later, a hand taps Clark on the shoulder. He jumps. It’s his fiancé Tammy.

She is concerned about the rumors of people never returning from the Dead Lakes, and of a beast called the Amaruga. Clark and Bill laugh it off. She is upset that Ollie is not going to guide them as Clark is not well adapted for the wilds.

Horror Situation: Photo falls, door slams, hand touches Clark

Surprise: photo crashes to the floor.

Shock: the door slams

Apprehension: Who or what is in the house.

Creepy Moment: Clark searches house.

Release: Clark finds nothing unusual

Surprise: a hand touches Clark’s shoulder.

Release: it’s Tammy his fiancé.

6.EXT. OLLIE’S HOUSE – DAY

Clare, Ollie’s wife watches Ollie play catch with their five-year-old daughter, Presley.

7.INT. CAR – DAY

Tammy drives. She passes the Chestnut Street Cemetery.

8.EXT. CHESTNUT STREET CEMETERY – DAY

Creepy graves dating from 1831 sit amongst palm trees and moss-covered live oaks.

Close on a stone grave marker that reads: Colonel Cassius Fairfield, Union Army, Born, Dayton, Ohio 1832, Died June 10, 1871, Apalachicola.

9.EXT. CAR – DAY

Tammy’s car turns left by the cemetery and arrives at Ollie’s home.

10.EXT. OLLIE’S HOUSE – DAY

Tammy pleads with Ollie to guide Clark’s trek. Ollie assures her there is no Amaruga.

A bird smashes into the front window. Clare picks it up. They are relieved it’s alive.

Presley bounces the ball into the street. The adults hear the screech of brakes. They turn to see the car an inch from the little girl. They warn her to always be careful, they love her.

Clare says that Ollie needs to help his friends and guide the trek. He agrees as long as he is back home to celebrate Presley’s birthday.

Horror Situation:

Creepy Moment: bird flies into window.

Release: It is alive.

Shock: adults hear car screech to stop.

Apprehension: is Presley hurt?

Release: Presley is fine.

11.EXT. APALACHICOLA RIVER FRONT – DAY

Clark’s group of Bill, Tammy, Ollie and Emmet Floyd load supplies onto a medium size riverboat. Ollie is acquainted with Emmet and doesn’t trust him.

12.EXT. THE APALACHICOLA RIVER – DAY

The boat cruses up the wide river. Marshes and forests boarder both banks. The boat hits a deadhead that punctures a sizeable hole. It takes on water. Bill relates how the Confederate ship encountered a problem. Sergeant Johnson had to abandon the ship on shore and had it burned to hide it from the Yankees. Ironically, they are close to the spot where the Confederate ship was burned. Clark manages to beach the boat.

Horror Situation: boat hits deadhead, starts to sink.

Surprise: boat strakes deadhead.

Anxiety: will boat sink?

Fear: Bill’s story about the Confederate ship

Release: boat makes it to shore.

13.EXT. RIVER BANK – DAY

They unload their boat. They find partially buried pieces of wood and metal in the muddy shore. Clark gets caught in quicksand. The others quickly extract him. Ollie warns them that there are more dangerous patches of quicksand ahead.

14.EXT. THE FOREST – DAY

A sense of excitement and adventure dominate the group as they hike through thick brush. Clark and Bill relate to the others how Colonel Cassius Fairfield returned after the Civil War and hunted for the gold. He uncovered a few coins, then went insane.

15.EXT. FOREST CLEARING – DAY

The group enters an open area. A middle age woman is tending a small vegetable garden. She is dressed in an old fashion garb. Clarks enquires if she knows where the old 1800’s road is. She senses they are searching for the lost gold. She points in a certain direction.

The group heads in the given direction. The woman stares at the sky as if communicating with someone or something.

16.EXT. THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Sergeant Roland Johnson, dressed in his Confederate uniform, stands by three Cypress trees. He looks to the sky and receives a message. He brushes back the Cypress branches and enters an opening.

Horror Situation:

Shock: How can this Civil War soldier be alive?

Apprehension: What is he up to?

17.EXT. FOREST – DAY

Ollie doesn’t think this is the right direction. Suddenly their compasses go wonky, spinning wildly. Ollie and Clark argue about which way to go. Tammy backs Ollie and they head the way he suggests. They come upon:

18.EXT. FORMER 1800’S ROAD -DAY

This old dirt road is long overgrown. Soon they reach the spot where the 1863 ambush took place. Using a metal detector they uncover bullet casings, a Confederate belt buckle, and a rusted hand gun. And Bill finds two 1850s gold coins. Excitement all around.

19.EXT. FOREST – DAY

As they continue, Bill is pestered by insects, the others are not. A little later a cotton mouth tries to strike Bill. Then a few snakes slither after him and cross his path.

Horror Situation: Bill is plagued by insects and snakes.

Anxiety: why pester only Bill?

Fear: will snakes bite Bill?

20.EXT. FOREST CLEARING – DAY

Grant Fairfield and his men hike into the clearing and meet the forest woman. She recognizes their Northern accents. They ask if another group has come through here. She says yes and points Grant in the opposite direction. They continue on. The woman walks to her cabin.

21. INT. CABIN – DAY

As the forest woman enters the cabin she transforms from middle age into an ancient hag. She gets an old wooden container and takes out tiny shavings of gold. She mixes some with water and drinks it.

Horror Situation: woman turns from middle age to ancient.

Shock: for the audience, how and why did this happen?

Surprise. The woman drinks gold shavings.

22.EXT. FOREST – DAY

Clark finds a symbol etched into a tree; according to his map this is a mark left by the Confederates. They are on the right trail.

They hear the rustle of vegetation and twigs snapping behind them. They slow down and look back – nothing. Then a wild boar charges head-on at them. It skims inches past Bill. It stops, snorts, and paws the ground before talking off.

LATER:

The group stops to rest and eat. Insects continue to pester Bill. A copperhead tries to bite him. They have difficulty starting a fire.

The group hears footsteps and voices approaching. Grant Fairfield’s party appears. Clark is surprised and annoyed. Why are they here, how did they find them? Grant thanks Emmet for informing him about Clark’s venture.

Grant and Max pull guns on Clark’s people and tie them up. They take Ollie’s rifle. Max steals Clark’s map. Fred Dickson pockets Bill’s two gold coins. The Northern interlopers continue on their search.

23.EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

It’s two hours since Grant tied up Clark’s team. They are finally cutting themselves loose. They are angry with Emmett. Clark is furious that his map is gone. He wants to go after Grant, now. Ollie decides they will camp here tonight.

24.EXT. FOREST CAMPSITE – NIGHT

Tents are set up. All but Emmett are gathered around a campfire. No insects or snakes around Bill. Emmett startles them by tramping around in the bush. He’s drunk.

LATER:

Emmet sleeps in the open. A movement in the forest wakes him. He looks around. He sniffs the air; a foul smell. Several yards off through the trees he sees two glowing green orbs. More rustling. The orbs drift away.

Tammy is awakened by the pungent odor. She coughs. She starts to open her tent when she hears horrific shrieks far in the distance. She pulls her sleeping bag over her head.

Horror Situation: pungent odor, glowing green orbs, horrifying screech

Apprehension: Emmett smells something terrible

Fear: Emmett sees glowing green eyes.

Fear: Emmett and Tammy hear shrieks.

25.EXT. FOREST CAMPSITE – DAY

The next morning the group breaks camp. Tammy tells others about the shrieks. No one else heard it. Emmett says he saw glowing green orbs. No one believes him as he was drunk. Clark leads his troop further into the forest.

26.EXT. INDIAN BURIAL MOUND – DAY

They come upon an Indian burial mound. Neither Clark nor Bill recall any reference to this. Are they on the right path? Clark’s anxiety heightens. He needs the map.

They hear something crunch through the vegetation up ahead. Then moaning and gaging sounds. A breeze picks up a disgusting odor. A man struggles and crawls through the brush 50 feet ahead. They slowly walk toward the him. Clark screams. He almost stepped on a bloody human arm.

The man struggles to his feet and trudges into a thicket. Clark and Tammy refuse to go any further. Ollie, Bill and Emmett venture into the thicket.

They discover a badly beaten body with skin torn from half its face. The three men are in shock. They recognize the man as Victor Lennox, a member of Grant’s group. Ollie believes the man was attacked by a wild boar. However, we see strange huge three-towed footprints.

Horror Situation:

Apprehension: the disgusting odor, a crawling man.

Shock: a human arm in a pool of blood

Fear: what did this?

Suspense/Dread: Ollie, Bill and Emmett follow crawling man into thicket.

Shock/Anguish: discovery of mangled dead man.

27.EXT. FOREST – DAY

The group debate if they should they continue on. Clark insists they do. But they must catch up to Grant’s men and get the map. Tammy decides to go ahead to retrieve the map. She is fleet of foot. The others tell her no. Emmet says he’ll go with her. They forbid that. Tammy goes on her own.

28.EXT. FOREST – DAY

Tammy hikes alone.

29.EXT. FOREST NEAR THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Tammy hides in the brush and observes Max Sedgwick and Grant Fairfield studying the map. A copperhead slithers toward Tammy. She tenses and holds back a scream. The snake glides by her.

Moments later a man yells. Fred Dickson, who stole the two gold coins, fights off the copperhead. The two gold coins are attracting a negative force. Max puts the map down. He and Grant go check on Fred. Tammy sneaks in and grab the map. Suddenly the wind picks up. Heavy footsteps thud in the distance. The campfire goes out. A putrid smell fills the air. A horrendous screech sounds. A mini twister hits the site.

In a panic, Fred runs directly by Tammy and knocks her off her feet. She looks up to see Fred dart through the trees. A pair of glowing green orbs move toward him. A moment later he lets out a dreadful scream.

Grant and Max are lying on the ground. Body parts are flung at them. Tammy gets up, map in hand, and scrambles away. After a few moments she hears something crashing through the forest behind her. She runs faster, but trips and falls. A hand grabs her. It’s Max. He hauls her up and drags her back to Grant.

Horror Situation:

Fear: Tammy and Fred confronted by a poisonous snake.

Apprehension: the putrid smell, the fire going out spell trouble

Fear: thudding footsteps, horrific screech.

Shock: mini twister levels the site.

Suspense: Tammy runs and is pursued by something.

Surprise: It’s Max chasing Tammy and capturing her.

30.EXT. FOREST NEAR THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Clark and company stumble onto the site of the mini twister. Ollie finds his stolen rifle. They find a human arm and a foot and a mangled body. Ollie recognizes it as Fred Dickson from town.

Bill admits that Tammy was correct, there is a monster. He wants to turn back. Clark is the most terrified, but is determined to find the gold. Ollie reminds them that they need to find Tammy. They press on.

Horror Situation:

Shock/Horror: finding body parts and disfigured body

Anguish: over their dead acquaintance.

Apprehension: what horror may be ahead of them?

31.EXT. DEAD LAKES – DAY

A huge prehistoric swamp dotted with Cypress trees and thousands of skeletons of dead trees. Creepy nature sounds. Clark, Ollie, Bill, and Emmett trek along the shore.

Clark’s foot catches on a root. He loses his balance and hits the ground. Suddenly a gator lunges from a thicket. Bill and Ollie freeze for a few seconds before Ollie grabs Clark’s arm and pulls him away. Bill waves his arms and yells at the gator and it slinks into the swamp. Clark keeps an eye on the water as they hike.

Horror Situation:

Creepy moment: the spooky Dead Lakes

Surprise: Clark trips on a root.

Release: he is okay

Surprise: Clark trips on a rock

Shock: alligator lunges at him

Fear: danger from alligator

Release: Bill scares alligator away

32.EXT. DEAD LAKES – NIGHT

The men camp. Sounds of insects and frogs abound. Ollie, Bill and Emmett are eating by the campfire. Clark is alone, agitated, pacing by his tent. Ollie joins him. Clark confides to Ollie that he is worried about Tammy.

A figure lurks in the dark. It watches Clark amble away and Ollie head back to the fire. The figure steps between two of the tents. Clark gets a quick look. Emmett too glimpses it. It’s a Confederate soldier. Clark blinks and the Confederate is gone. Clark starts toward the other men, but instead goes to his tent.

LATER:

As Ollie, Bill and Emmett talk by the fire, a sudden breeze picks up. The insects and frogs go quiet. The fire goes out. A couple of snakes slither near them. A heavy thudding sound moves toward them through the woods. A horrendous screech echoes. The air smells like rancid meat. Emmett projectile vomits.

They see the glowing green discs – huge eyes. The breeze whips into a gale and tosses Emmett into the brush. Bill is flung against a tree. Ollie is knocked to the ground. He manages to crawl behind large rock.

The tents collapse. Clark’s tent is wrapped around him, trapping him. Amaruga trudges toward Emmett. Ollie finds his rifle and fires. Amaruga halts and looks to Ollie. The terrified Emmett scrambles ‌out of its reach. Ollie shoots Amaruga repeatedly. It grunts, turns away and slogs off into the forest.

Clark’s cries attract the others. They free him from the tent. He collapses whimpering and weeping. Bill is hurt, holds his side.

Emmett produces his liquor bottle and they all drink. Things calm down. They are safe.

Suddenly Emmett breaks into an angry rant. He grabs the rifle and dashes into the woods. He shoots randomly. A few snakes crawl toward him. Ollie runs after him. Emmett runs right into a nest of snakes. He falls. The vipers crawl all over him.

Amaruga unexpectedly appears. Ollie picks up the rifle. A long claw on one of the creatures three fingers reaches for Emmett. Ollie fires but the chamber is empty. The claw impales Emmett. It lifts him and sinks its fangs into him. Ollie and Bill scream at the monster. It turns and carries Emmett toward the swamp. Clark stares in disbelief.

Horror Situation:

Creepy Moment: the appearance of the Confederate soldier.

Apprehension: the putrid smell, the fire going out spell trouble

Fear: thudding footsteps, horrific screech, the glowing green eyes

Shock: the gale tosses the men, levels the site.

Horror: the men see the monster for the first time.

Surprise: bullets do not harm the monster.

Release: Amaruga leaves, the men are safe and relax

Panic: Emmett freaks out, irrationally runs.

Horror: Emmett is covered in snakes.

Shock: Amaruga reappears.

Horror: Amaruga kills Emmett.

33.EXT. THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Grant and Max, with Tammy in tow, hike along the edge of a swamp by the Lakes as they follow the map. Several yards offshore the water bubbles. They glimpse something large move under water. Two glowing green orbs are visible just beneath the surface.

They start to run, but Max and Tammy get stuck in thick mud. It’s quicksand. Grant helps Max, out. They reach for Tammy, but a gator springs at them. The men run off leaving Tammy to her fate.

Horror Situation:

Fear: they see glowing green orbs under the water.

Surprise: Max and Tammy caught in quicksand.

Suspense/Fear: Tammy left stuck in quicksand.

34.EXT. THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Ollie and Bill find an old wooden rowboat. They row it out into the lake. It’s a short cut to a point of land Bill believes is close to the hidden gold.

35.EXT. POINT OF LAND – DAY

Ollie and Bill spot Max on shore. Ollie rows the boat ashore, out of sight from Max. Bill remains by the rowboat as Ollie heads toward a cluster of three Cypress trees. Bill notices something huge moving under water toward the three Cypress trees.

36.EXT. THE THREE CYPRESS TREES – DAY

Behind the three Cypress trees, Ollie discovers a hollow that leads underground. He enters.

37.INT. TUNNEL – DAY

Ollie follows a passage. Suddenly, he is attacked by Grant. Grant knocks Ollie unconscious. Grant turns into a second passageway. He is delighted to see a few gold coins and gold shavings scattered on the dirt floor. The treasure must be in reach.

The earth starts to rumble and shake. The tunnel floor erupts. Grant freezes. Amaruga explodes from the hole. Grant screams and runs. Amaruga plods after him. Grant finds a narrow opening in the ceiling and wedges himself in.

Horror Situation:

Surprise: the tunnel floor erupts

Shock: Amaruga erupts out of the ground

38.EXT. THE THREE CYPRESS TREES – DAY

Grant pulls himself out into daylight through a small opening in the rock. He runs along the shore of the lake. Amaruga bursts from that main entrance. It spots Grant and starts its pursuit. Max signals to him to hurry. Grant trips. Amaruga closes in. Grant gets to his feet. Amaruga unleashes a mini twister. It engulfs Grant.

Ollie stumbles from the cave to see the twister rip off Grants clothes and peel away his skin. Amaruga pounces on Grant. Max screams and runs into the woods. Bill waves to Ollie to get out of there. Ollie dashes into the forest. Bill rows out into the lake.

Horror Situation:

Suspense: will Grant out run Amaruga?

Fear: Amaruga can destroy Grant

Horror: Amaruga peels off Grant’s skin, kills him.

39. FOREST BY DEAD LAKES – DAY

Ollie hikes to safety. A gunshot rings out. Max steps out from behind a tree. He mocks Ollie and takes aim. The trees shudder. Amaruga shoots a long sharp claw that impales Max. It lifts him and dives into the lake drowning Max.

Horror Situation:

Surprise: Max appears and shoots at Ollie

Fear: will Ollie get shot?

Shock: Amaruga surprises Max

Horror: Amaruga impales and drowns Max.

40.EXT. FOREST THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Ollie sloshes waist deep through a Cypress swamp. He reaches solid ground terrified and exhausted. He hears something tramping toward him. He takes cover. To his surprise, it’s Tammy and Clark. We learn that Clark came across Tammy and extracted her from the quicksand. Ollie tells them about the cave and escaping from Amaruga.

They hear the screech. Amaruga is coming for them. The three scurry away. Heavy thudding footsteps follow them.

Ollie has lost his rifle to repel the monster. But Tammy has figured out that it must be fearful of fire; campfires go out when it’s nearby.

Quickly they gather wood and brush and start a line of fire. As Amaruga gets closer, Clark gets angry. His anger turns to panic. He picks up a burning stick and charges toward Amaruga. Tammy yells for him to stay back.

Amaruga exhales a monstrous breath toward Clark. The breath causes the burning sick to burst into a huge flame. Clark is set on fire. Tammy screams and runs to her fiancé. He collapses in a ball of fire. She falls to the ground weeping and wailing. Ollie is stunned seeing his best friend die.

Amaruga plods ever closer to Tammy. She is too hysterical to escape. Amaruga’s three clawed fingers reache for her. Ollie runs and yells at the creature. It turns its attention on him.

Ollie runs back through the wall of flames. He taunts the monster. Amaruga unleashes a mini twister. The twister hits the flames and the fire explodes. It roars back at Amaruga scorching the monster. The wall of flames obscures Ollie’s view, but he hears the creature’s agonizing screeches.

Ollie goes and holds the terrified Tammy.

Horror Situation:

Fear: Amaruga pursues Ollie, Clark and Tammy.

Suspense: will they escape the monster?

Hysteria: Clark freaks out and attacks Amaruga

Dread: Ollie runs toward Amaruga

Horror: Clark is burned alive.

Anguish: Tammy sees her fiancé die; Ollie sees his best friend die.

41.INT. OLLIE’S HOME – DAY

Four little kids and parents attend Presley’s birthday party. Clare, Ollie’s wife, is relieved he and Tammy are safe. But they are concerned that Bill is still out in the wilds. Tammy is listless.

Ollie’s gift for Presley are two gold coins and a gold ingot. They’re to be kept for the future. They are proof that there is a treasure of lost Confederate gold. But will they risk another attempt to retrieve it?

42.INT. FOREST WOMAN’S CABIN – DAY

Sergeant Roland Johnson sits with the ancient looking woman. He opens a sack and spills gold ingots onto the table. He trims off thin shavings. She tells him that he’s the most loving husband. She sprinkles the gold shavings on some food and takes a bite. She transforms back to middle age. Sergeant Johnson assures her that Amaruga has also been fed.

The End

</div>

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Patrick Malone.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

LESSON 14 SCARY-AS-HELL SCENES

PATRICK MALONE SCARY-AS-HELL SCENES

What I learned was how to add physical action to scary emotions. Also, this exercise makes it easy to quickly outline the main details of a scene. Loved it.

1.The horror situation:

Opening Scene: Six Confederate soldiers transporting gold have just been ambushed by a small band of Union soldiers on a dirt trail in a forest.

2. Sequence the Horror Emotions

A. What is the emotional range of this scene-beginning and ending?

Anxiety to Panic

B.
What emotions go in between the bottom and top emotion?

Surprise, fear, dread, panic

C.
What is the physical representation of each emotion?

Anxiety: Confederate Sergeant Johnson and two privates look out
from

behind their wagon
at the dead bodies from the gun battle.

Surprise: Union Colonel Fairfield gets to his feet. Sergeant

assumed he was
dead

Fear: Fairfield sees Johnson and aims his pistol at him.

Dread: A monstrous creature trudges onto the trail.

Panic: Colonel Fairfield rides away, Sergeant Johnson and his two

privates escape
into the forest.

D. Add in Scares and Releases

Scene: Six Confederate soldiers transporting gold have just been ambushed

by a small band of Union soldiers on a dirt trail in a forest.

Anxiety: Confederate Sergeant
Johnson and two privates look out from

behind their wagon
at the dead bodies from the gun battle.

Surprise: Union Colonel Fairfield gets to his feet. Sergeant assumed
he was

dead.

Fear: Fairfield aims his pistol at Johnson.

Scare:
A loud thudding
sound moves through the forest causing Fairfield’s

horse to whinny
and kick up a fuss.

Shock: Fairfield sees something and jumps on his horse and rides
away.

Release: Johnson is saved from a bullet. He and his men are safe.

Surprise: A monstrous creature trudges onto the trail.

Dread: The monster picks up and bites into a corpse.

Panic: Terrified, Sergeant Johnson and his two
privates escape into the

forest.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

PATRICK MALONE Scares, Releases, and Creepy moments!

What I learned was to layer in scares and creepy moments so that they grow in intensity. Then use a release to calm things down and then hit with a more horrific event.

OUTLINE

Creepy moment: the spooky Dead Lakes

Scare: Clark trips on a root

Scare: Clark trips on a rock and alligator lungers at him

Scare: mysterious figure watches the men

Scare: nature sounds stop, campfire goes out

Scare: something trudges toward the men

Scare: Screech in the night

Creepy moment: foul smell

Creepy moment: Emmett projectile vomits

Creepy moment: monster approaches, levels camp

Release: monster leaves, men drink and calm down and feel safe

Scare: Clark freaks out

Scare: monster suddenly reappears

Scare: monster kills Clark

EXT. DEAD LAKES – DAY

A huge prehistoric swamp dotted with Cypress trees and thousands of skeletons of dead trees. Creepy nature sounds. Clark, Ollie, Bill, and Emmett trek along the shore.

Clark’s foot catches on a root. He loses his balance, but manages grasp a tree and stay on his feet.

OLLIE

You, okay?

CLARK

(pissed)

Fine.

BILL

(chuckles)

Great save Clark.

Clark turns to face his two friends.

CLARK

Years of practice.

As he takes a step backwards, he trips over a rock and hits the ground.

CLARK

Damn.

Suddenly a gator lunges from a thicket. Bill and Ollie freeze for a few seconds before Ollie grabs Clark’s arm and pulls him away. Bill waves his arms and yells at the gator and it slinks into the swamp.

OLLIE

I bet you didn’t practice that.

Clark gets up and brushes dirt off.

BILL

You really have to watch where you step around here.

CLARK

You think?

OLLIE

We should try to get on a little further before dark.

Clark keeps an eye on the water as they hike.

EXT. DEAD LAKES – NIGHT

The men’s camp is set up. Sounds of insects and frogs abound. Ollie, Bill and Emmett are eating by the campfire. Clark is alone, agitated, pacing by his tent. Ollie comes over to him.

OLLIE

Come on and eat before those two polishes it off.

Clark shakes his head ‘No’.

OLLIE

You worried about Tammy?

CLARK

Where is she? She just took off.

OLLIE

She’s good at taking care of herself.

CLARK

I didn’t want her to come.

(pause)

Ollie, what if that bastard Grant got hold of her?

OLLIE

He has no reason to harm her.

CLARK

I, I can’t think what life would be without her.

OLLIE

There’s a good chance we’ll find her tomorrow. You know according to Bill we should be pretty close to where the gold is stashed.

CLARK

If we had the map, we’d have a better idea.

OLLIE

Well , Bill has a good recollection of the signs and landmarks.

CLARK

We’ll see.

A figure in the dark watches Clark amble away and Ollie head back to the fire. Clark wanders around the site deep in thought. The figure steps between two of the tents. Clark gets a quick look. The figure is a Confederate soldier. Clark blinks and the Confederate is gone. Clark looks around, but doesn’t see him. He starts to head to the other men, but instead goes to his tent.

LATER

Ollie, Bill and Emmett talk by the fire. Ollie is worried about Clark and Tammy. A sudden breeze picks up. The insects and frogs go quiet. The men notice a pungent odor. Emmett says that’s what he had smelled. The fire goes out.

A couple of snakes slither near the men. A heavy thudding sound moves toward them through the woods. A horrendous screech echoes. The air smells like rancid meat. Emmett projectile vomits.

Then they see the glowing green discs – huge eyes. The men stand.

The breeze whips into a gale and tosses Emmett into the brush. Bill is flung against a tree. Ollie is knocked to the ground. He manages to crawl behind large rock.

The tents collapse. Clark’s tent is wrapped around him, trapping him, He has trouble breathing.

The wind subsides, but the creature trudges closer. It heads toward Emmett. Ollie finds his rifle and fires. Amaruga halts and looks to Ollie. Emmett scrambles ‌out of its reach. Ollie shoots Amaruga repeatedly. It grunts, turns away and slogs off into the forest.

Clark’s cries attract the others. Ollie and Emmett free him from the tent. He collapses whimpering and weeping. Bill is hurt, holds his side.

Emmett produces his liquor bottle and they all drink. Things calm down. They are safe.

Suddenly Clark breaks into an angry rant about Grant, the gold and the monster. Ollie and Bill try to calm him, but he grabs the rifle and dashes into the woods.

Clark thrashes through the woods and randomly fires the rifle. A few snakes crawl toward him. Ollie and Bill run after him. Clark runs right into a nest of snakes. He falls. The vipers slither onto him.

Amaruga suddenly appears. It confronts Clark. Ollie picks up the rifle and shoots. A long claw on one of the creatures three fingers reaches for Clark. Ollie fires but the chamber is empty. The claw impales Clark. It lifts him and sinks its fangs into him. Ollie and Bill scream at the monster. It turns and carries Clark toward the swamp.

[Patrick Malone]

PATRICK MALONE LEVEL 3 HORROR EMOTIONS

What I learned was that the most intense horror should occur in Act 3. These last few lessons have taught me the different types of the various horror emotions.

Previous scenes leading to this scene: 1. Grant’s group caught Tammy when she attempted to retrieve the map. 2. When Emmett is killed by Amaruga, Clark freaked out, panicked and disappeared into the forest. 3.Grant and Max left Tammy to sink into quicksand. 4. By the Dead Lakes, Ollie entered a tunnel that may lead to the lost gold. He is suddenly attacked by Grant and knocked unconscious.

For expedience, I didn’t add dialogue at this time.

SCENE

INT. CAVE – DAY

Grant’s boot strikes Ollie’s face as he attempts to stand. Ollie falls unconscious.

Grant goes further along and turns into a second passageway. He is delighted to see a few gold coins and gold shavings scattered on the dirt floor. The treasure must be in reach.

The earth starts to rumble and shake. Further along the tunnel floor erupts. Grant freezes. Amaruga explodes from the hole. Grant screams and runs. Amaruga plods after him.

Grant finds a narrow tunnel and wedges himself in.

EXT. CAVE – DAY

A small opening in the rock by a Dead Lake. Grant pulls himself out into daylight. He looks around and recognizes he is just yards from the three Cypress trees that hide the cave’s main entrance. He runs along the shore of the lake.

Amaruga bursts from that main entrance. It spots Grant and starts its pursuit. Grant yells to Max who is waiting in the distance. Max signals to him to hurry. Grant trips. He stumbles getting up. Amaruga closes in. Grant gets to his feet.

Amaruga unleashes a mini twister. It engulfs Grant.

Ollie stumbles from the cave to see the twister rip off Grants clothes and peel away his skin. Amaruga pounces on Grant. Max screams and runs into the woods.

Bill, who has been waiting in the rowboat, waves to Ollie to get out of there. Ollie dashes into the forest. Bill rows out into the lake.

EXT. FOREST – DAY

Ollie sloshes waist-deep through a Cypress swamp. He reaches solid ground scared and exhausted. He sits and rests. He hears something moving through the bush. He rolls behind a thicket, waiting.

Two pairs of legs walk by. He looks up and is shocked to see Tammy and Clark. He calls to them. They are jubilant to be together.

Tammy recounts how she was captured by Grant and how he and Max left her to die in the quicksand. Clark says that he was lost, but then happened upon Tammy and extracted her from the quicksand.

Ollie tells them he found a cave that most likely hides the lost gold. But Amaruga defends it, and killed Grant. He shows them a gold coin and a small gold ingot from the cave.

Some snakes slither toward them. Amaruga is coming. They run.

They hear the pounding of heavy footsteps as Amaruga trudges after them. They are exhausted and terrified. Tammy needs a moments rest. Through the trees they can see Amaruga approaching.

Ollie no longer has his rifle to repel the monster. But Tammy has figured out that it must be afraid of fire; their campfires were put out when it was nearby.

Quickly they gather wood and brush and start a fire. They spread it out in line in front of them. As Amaruga gets loser Clark panics. His panic turns to anger. He picks up a burning stick and steps toward Amaruga. Tammy yells for him to stay back. He taunts the monster.

Amaruga exhales a monstrous breath toward Clark. The breath causes the burning sick to burst into a huge flame. Clark is set on fire. Tammy screams and runs to her fiancé. He collapses in a ball of fire. She falls to the ground weeping and wailing. Ollie is stunned seeing his best friend die.

Amaruga plods ever closer to Tammy. She is too hysterical to try to escape. One of Amaruga’s three clawed fingers reaches for her. Ollie runs and yells at the creature. It turns its attention on him and drops Tammy.

Ollie runs back through what is now a wall of flames. He taunts the monster. Amaruga unleashes a mini twister. The twister hits the flames and the fire explodes. It roars back at Amaruga and it. The wall of flames obscures Ollie’s view, but he hears the creature’s agonizing screeches.

Ollie goes and holds the terrified Tammy.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned was to pace the levels of horror so that they increase with each act. While writing tis scene new ideas came to me based on the emotions of fear, suspense and dread.

EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

It’s been two hours since Clark’s group was attacked and tied up by Grant’s men. Tammy is shredding the rope binding her wrists by rubbing against a tree.

Ollie shimmies close to Bill and gets his fingers on Bill’s knife. He cuts the ropes freeing his hands and kicks loose the ankle ropes. Then he frees Bill.Tammy gets up and frees Clark.

EMMETT

Hey, don’t forget me.

OLLIE
Forget you? We should just leave

you there to rot.

TAMMY
You’re why we’re in this mess.

EMMETT

But I – –

TAMMY

Shut your mouth,

OLLIE Cut him loose. Bill cuts Emmet’s ropes, Emmett slowly stands. Clark is frantically combing the ground.

BILL
The map’s gone. That neanderthal swiped it.

OLLIE

Max Sedgwick.

(to Emmett)
And your pal Grant made off with my rifle.

CLARK
Come on. We got to get the map back. Let’s go.

BILL

Good idea.

OLLIE
Hold on. Bad idea. We’re not going after them in the dark.

CLARK

We need the map.

OLLIE
They’re two hours ahead of us. We’re going to camp here and start out at daybreak.

Frustrated, Clark kicks the ground.

EXT. FOREST CAMPSITE – NIGHT

Four small tents are set up. All except Emmett sit around a camp fire. He sits alone.

CLARK

At least we had this fire.

TAMMY

And the insects have left Bill alone.

OLLIE

(chuckles)

I don’t see any snakes cuddling up to him either.

BILL

That’s a blessing.

OLLIE
So guys, without the map are we able to carry on?

CLARK
There’s important information on it.

BILL

I have a lot of it up here.

Bill points to his head.

CLARK

I’ll feel a lot better with it in hand.

TAMMY
We’ll get it back from those Northern bandits.

CLARK
Those Yankee assholes aren’t going to stop me from finding that gold.

TAMMY

You hear that?

There is a rustle in the bushes.

CLARK

What?

More rustling.

BILL

Something’s out there.

Clark grabs a big stick and stands. Ollie takes out his knife and takes a few steps toward the sound. Suddenly something bumps him. Startled, he yells and swipes with the knife. Emmett stumbles out of the brush.

CLARK

Emmett.

OLLIE
I could of cut you.

CLARK
You scared the piss out us.

EMMETT
Yeah, I had to pee.

Tammy struts to him and slaps him.

TAMMY

What’s this?

She takes a liquor bottle from him.

TAMMY (CONT’D)
On top of everything, you’re drunk.

OLLIE

Go sack out. Get

Ollie pushes him. Emmett staggers a few yards and crawls into his sleeping bag.

OLLIE (CONT’D)
We should all get some sleep.

BILL

Let’s call it a day

Clark wacks the stick against a tree.

CLARK
Yeah, some day. What a disaster.

They head to their tents.

LATER:
Emmett is half asleep. A movement in the forest wakens him. He looks around. He wrinkles his nose and coughs. A foul smell. Then he sees two glowing green orbs several yards out in the forest. He rubs his eyes. The orbs drift away.

INT. TAMMY’S TENT – NIGHT

The pungent odor awakens her. She gags. She hears a distant terrifying shriek.

TAMMY

Holy shit.

She buries herself in her sleeping bag.

EXT. FOREST CAMPSITE – DAY
Morning. They’ve broken camp and are about to leave.

TAMMY
I know what I heard Clark. An unnatural screech.

CLARK
Did anybody hear some kind of scream, a shriek during the night.

OLLIE
I was dead asleep.

BILL
Most likely a nightingale. They can be loud.

CLARK
Tammy you’re famous for your imagination.

TAMMY
Damn it. It was unnerving.

EMMETT
There was something strange out there.

BILL

Yeah, you.

EMMETT
There were like eyes. Glowing green big eyes.

BILL
Oh, you saw a UFO. Makes sense that’s what a drunk would see.

OLLIE
So you heard the screech?

EMMETT
It was God-awful. But it was those eyes creeped me out.

CLARK
Drunk and totally delusional.

All but Tammy laugh. They hike forward.

EXT. FOREST – DAY
They come upon a strange mark carved into an old tree.

CLARK Hey, this is good.

OLLIE What is it?

CLARK
A symbol. The Confederates used them to mark their trails.

OLLIE
So we’re on the right path?

BILL
Yup. This was on the map.

OLLIE

Fantastic.

TAMMY

Good going Clark.

They hear something crunching through the vegetation. Something large. Ollie hold s up his hand to halt the group.

More movement in the brush. Then moans and groans.

BILL
What is it? Can you see anything.?

A breeze picks up.

OLLIE

Ugh. What is that?

TAMMY

That’s the smell.

CLARK
What are you talking about?

TAMMY
From last night when I heard those sounds.

CLARK

It’s disgusting.

EMMETT
I smelled it when those eyes appeared.

More moaning rustling. Then they see it. About fifty feet ahead a figure crawls from the bushes.

OLLIE

Who the hell?

They walk slowly toward the figure. It continues to crawl and groan. Ollie yells. He almost steps on a severed arm.

TAMMY

On my God.

CLARK
What the hell is happening?

Torn pieces of bloody clothing and a torn apart backpack litter their path. Then the figure struggles to its feet. It clasps a tree and trudges into thick vegetation.

OLLIE
We have to help him.

CLARK
There’s no way I’m going any closer.

BILL
That stench is getting worse.

Ollie takes a few steps. More rustling and moaning.

TAMMY
We don’t know what’s in there.

Ollie steps into the brush and out of site.

CLARK

No Ollie. Wait.

They hear a horrid shriek. Tammy throws up. The others freeze in place for several seconds.

EMMETT
We got to get in there.

He hurries into the brush. Bill reluctantly follows. They come upon Ollie crouched over a man. He has been badly beaten. A missing arm and skin torn from half his face. The three men are in shock.

OLLIE
He’s one of Grant’s crew.

EMMETT
Victor, ah, Victor Lennox. Shit.

BILL What did this?

EMMETT

A wild boar maybe.

OLLIE
They’re known to have done worse. We’re too far from the lakes to be a gator.

BILL
We should tell the others.

OLLIE

Right.

The three men hike back. Ollie scans the ground. Then he sees something odd. A few footprints. Huge three-toed clawed footprints. There was no wild boar.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned was the types of emotions needed for horror and how to integrate them in the script.

Apprehension: Tammy is concerned for the safety of Clark and Bill. She is aware of missing and drowned people, and has heard the tales of the Amaruga creature.

Surprise. Tammy and Ollie’s conversation is abruptly interrupted when a bird crashes into a window.

Shock: Ollie’s five-year-old is almost hit by a car.

SCENE FIRST DRAFT

EXT. OLLIE’S HOUSE – DAY

Ollie plays catch with his five-year-old daughter, Presley, in front of their modest shotgun house. Presley is quite a good catcher for her age.

PRESLEY

Daddy, throw it high. A fly.

Ollie lobs the ball into the air and she makes the catch look easy. She giggles.

INT. CAR – DAY

Tammy drives. She passes the Chestnut Street Cemetery.

EXT. CHESTNUT STREET CEMETERY – DAY

Old graves dating from 1831 sit amongst palm trees and moss-covered live oaks.

Close on a stone grave marker that reads: Colonel Cassius Fairfield, Union Army, Born, Dayton, Ohio 1832, Died June 10, 1871, Apalachicola. Florida

EXT. CAR – DAY

Tammy’s car turns left by the cemetery and arrives at Ollie’s home.

EXT. OLLIE’S HOUSE – DAY

Tammy steps onto the lawn and rubs Presley’s head.

TAMMY

Hey, honey.

PRESLEY

Hi Tammy. Look what I can do.

She tosses the ball awkwardly; it hits the ground and bounces by Ollie.

PRESLEY

Oh, oh. Ha, ha.

TAMMY

I’ve seen you throw better than that.

Presley shrugs her shoulders. Ollie retrieves the ball and throws it back to Presley.

OLLIE

Play with the ball while I visit with Tammy.

TAMMY

Clark and Bill are packing for their little expedition. They sure could use a guide.

Ollie laughs.

OLLIE

You’ve never been one to beat ‘round the bush. They already tried to corner me. They’ve spent tons of time out in the woods.

TAMMY

You trying to jerk a knot in my tail? When y’all were kids, yeah.

OLLIE

Clarks got it all planned out Tammy.

TAMMY

Clark, he’s just not familiar enough with roughing it. Bill’s not much better.

CLARE, Ollie’s wife looks out the front window. She waves to Tammy. Tammy nods ‘Hi’.

OLLIE

I’ve been on the boat for three days. I need time here.

TAMMY

I’m worried Ollie. You know those missing people, and the stories of some God- awful creature.

Ollie laughs.

OLLIE

No one’s gone missing for years. And the rest is simply nonsense.

TAMMY

The Amaruga, that’s what it’s called.

OLLIE

I’ve glimpsed some odd things in the woods, but the Amaruga is a legend. That’s all it is.

A loud whack startles them. Clare screams. They turn to the house.

OLLIE

What the …

They see that a bird has flown into the window.

TAMMY

Oh, the poor thing.

The bird is stunned and falls to the ground. Clare comes outside.

CLARE

Did you see that?

She picks the bird up and holds it.

OLLIE

Is it okay?

CLARE

It’s alive.

TAMMY

Good.

CLARE

Nothing like this has happened for years.

TAMMY

Weird. Ollie, you know we’ll be going to the Dead Lakes?

OLLIE

You’re going? I didn’t know that.

TAMMY

The Dead Lakes. They’re creepy and dangerous. Three people died there, what six months ago? You know that’s where that Amaruga is supposed to live.

Ollie sighs and steps to his wife, puts an arm on her shoulder.

CLARE

You should go and help your friends.

OLLIE

You sure?

PRESLEY (O.S.)

Look at this everybody.

She bounces the ball off the ground. It flies out into the street. She scampers after it. Brakes squeal. The adults turn to see the car lurch to a stop inches from Presley.

CLARE

Oh, God.

She releases the bird and runs out to her daughter. She pulls her to herself and hugs her.

CLARE

Never do that again. Please, never.

PRESLEY

But Mommy I caught it. See?

Presley holds out the ball.

CLARE

I see darling, I see.

Ollie and Tammy walk out to Clare and Presley. Ollie signals to the diver things are okay. The car pulls away.

OLLIE

You gotta be more careful Presley.

He hugs her.

TAMMY

Please listen to your folks. We don’t want anything bad to happen to you. We all love you.

PRESLEY

I know. I love you too.

TAMMY

(to Ollie)

So?

He looks to Clare.

CLARE

We watch out for our friends.

OLLIE

Okay. As long as I’m back for this one’s sixth birthday.

PRESLEY

Wee. My birthday.

TAMMY

Thanks Ollie.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone OUTLINE VERSION 1

What I learned is that having the layers I had created made it much easier to write this first version outline. I changed some things and developed some new ideas as I wrote. Below is Outline Version followed by the Tagged Outline.

OUTLINE VERSION 1

EXT. FOREST – DAY

SUPER: 1864

The last shots are heard along a trail through the forest of pines and palmetto palms. A band of Union soldiers have just ambushed six Confederate soldiers. Five Union and three Confederate soldiers lay dead.

Colonel Cassius Fairfield, the last surviving Union man, mounts his horse. He is about to fire at Confederate Sergeant Roland Johnson when a strange horrendous animal sound vibrates through the forest. Fairfield’s horse panics, turns and runs.

Sergeant Johnson and two survivors of lesser rank take this opportunity to move their wagon. The trees quake as something huge moves toward them. Both Sergeant Johnson and Colonel Fairfield turn to see a horrific creature snatch a corpse and sink its fangs into the body.

Terrified, Colonel Fairfield rides away. The Confederates use all their might to move their wagon out of there. The wagon holds Confederate gold.

EXT. TOWN OF APALACHICOLA, RIVER FRONT – DAY

SUPER: PRESENT DAY

Ollie Grier steps off one of the shrimp boats docked along the river. He is greeted by friend Bill Meriwether. They walk toward a bar/restaurant.

INT. OYSTER CITY BREWERY – DAY

Ollie sits with Bill and friend Clark Grady. Clark explains his plan to search for lost Confederate gold believed hidden in the wilderness by the Dead Lakes near Apalachicola. He wants Ollie to be their guide as he is an outdoorsman who knows the area. Ollie declines.

Bill tries humor, tells him it will be fun and a great opportunity to hang out together. And maybe strike it rich. Ollie is reluctant to join.

They are being watched from across the room by Grant Fairfield, Max Sedgwick and Fred Dickson. Max approaches Ollie’s table and tells him that Grant is upset that he didn’t guide their expedition to Tate’s Hell. Max is somewhat threatening.

Ollie tells Clark that Grant also had wanted him to join his expedition to find the lost gold in the Dead Lakes. But he doesn’t care to help those arrogant Northerners.

EXT. OYSTER CITY BREWERY – DAY

As Ollie leaves, Fred Dickson, a local, tells him that he is lucky not to have gone on Grant’s trek to Tate’s Hell. Grant is a mean bastard who pushes the men too hard. One almost died.

INT. CLARK GRADY’S HOUSE – DAY

Clark and Bill go over their plans to locate the lost Confederate gold. Clark has done lots of research. Bill is also quite well informed.

In 1864 as the Yankees were about to invade New Orleans, the Confederates shipped gold and other valuables from New Orleans to the Gulf of Mexico port of Apalachicola. Sergeant Roland Johnson was charged with moving the gold up the Apalachicola River to Columbus, Georgia for safety.

After the ambush by the Union soldiers, Sergeant Johnson and the gold disappeared. Years after the Civil War Colonel Cassius Fairfield returned to the area determined to find the gold. All he managed was to dig up a few coins. He later went insane.

Tammy, Clark’s fiancé drops by. She has concerns, the rumors of lost people never returning from the Dead Lakes, and don’t forget the tales of some beast called the Amaruga. Clark is too serious and practical to believe such things. Bill is somewhat skeptical and laughs about her worries.

She informs them that despite Clark’s disapproval, she too is going on the expedition. She is upset that Ollie is not going to guide them as Clark is not well adapted for the wilds.

EXT. OLLIE’S HOUSE – DAY

Ollie and his wife Clare play catch with his five-year-old daughter, Presley. Tammy comes by and pleads with him to guide their trek. Tammy mentions her concerns about missing people and the Amaruga. Ollie says he has seen and heard some strange things by the Dead Lakes, but there is no monster.

He agrees to guide them as long as he is back home to celebrate Presley’s birthday in a few days.

EXT. APALACHICOLA RIVER FRONT – DAY

Clark’s group Bill, Tammy, Ollie and Emmet Floyd load supplies onto a

medium size riverboat.

Ollie mentions that they could have driven near to the Dead Lakes and hiked in to save time. But Clark wants to follow as near as possible the Confederate’s route. He has a map with clues that indicate the trail of the lost gold.

EXT. THE APALACHICOLA RIVER – DAY

The boat cruses up the wide river. There are marshes and forests along the way.

Ollie questions Clark as to why Emmet is on board. Clark brought Emmet on for any heavy work. Ollie is acquainted with Emmet and doesn’t trust him.

Bill relates how the Confederate ship was heading up river to Columbus, Georgia when it encountered some problem. Sergeant Johnson had to abandon the ship on shore and had it burned to hide it from any Yankees.

Further upriver Clark’s boat hits a deadhead that punctures a sizeable hole. The boat takes on water. Ironically, they are close to where they want to land, the spot where the Confederate ship was burned.

The boat is beached. Partially buried in the muddy river bank are pieces of wood and metal, remnants of the Confederate ship.

As they unload their boat Clark gets caught in quicksand. The others quickly extract him. Ollie warns them that there are more dangerous patches of quicksand ahead.

EXT. THE FOREST – DAY

A sense of excitement and adventure dominate the group as they hike through thick brush.

Clark tells the others how his grandfather had also hunted for the treasure. But his determination only got him branded as the town’s eccentric. He left Clark a gold coins and a small gold ingot and some clues as to where the lost gold could be.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING – DAY

The group enters an open area. A middle age woman is tending a small vegetable garden. She is dressed in a long cotton dress and long apron. She has an odd manner about her.

Clarks enquires if she knows where the old 1800’s road is. She realizes they are searching for the lost gold. She points in a certain direction. Ollie and Tammy feel there is something odd about this woman.

The group heads in the given direction. The woman stares at the sky as if communicating with someone or something.

EXT. WOODS BY THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Sergeant Roland Johnson dressed in his Confederate uniform, stands by three Cypress trees. He looks to the sky and receives a message. He brushes back Cypress branches and enters an opening.

EXT. FOREST – DAY

Ollie doesn’t think this is the right direction. Suddenly their compasses go wonky, spinning wildly. Ollie and Clark argue about which way to go. Tammy backs Ollie and they head the way he suggests. They come upon:

EXT. FORMER 1800’S ROAD -DAY

This old road is overgrown, abandoned a 130 years ago. There are markings that indicate this was the road. It is also the spot where the 1863 ambush took place.

Using a metal detector and shovels they uncover bullet casings, a Confederate belt buckle, a rusted hand gun, and part of a horse harness.

And Bill finds two 1850s gold coins. Excitement all around.

EXT. FOREST – DAY

As they continue, Bill is pestered by insects, the others are not. A little later a cotton mouth snake tries to strike Bill. Then a few snakes slither after him and cross his path.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING – DAY

Grant Fairfield and his men hike into the clearing and meet the forest woman. She recognizes their Northern accents. They ask if another group has come through here. She says yes and points Grant in the opposite direction. They continue on. The woman walks to her cabin.

INT. CABIN – DAY

As the forest woman enters the cabin she transforms from middle age into an ancient hag. She gets an old wooden container and takes out tiny shavings of gold. She mixes some with water and drinks it.

EXT. FOREST – DAY

Clark finds a symbol etched into a tree; according to his map this is a mark left by the Confederates. They are on the right trail.

They hear the rustle of vegetation and twigs snapping behind them in the distance. Ollie is concerned and doubles back.

The rest of the group stops to rest and eat. Insects continue to pester Bill, and a copperhead tries to bite him. They have difficulty starting a fire. Emmet eventually gets it going.

Ollie returns, but not alone. Grant Fairfield’s party is with him. Clark is surprised and annoyed. Why are they here, how did they find them? Grant thanks Emmet for informing him about Clark’s venture.

An argument between the two groups ensues. Grant and Max pull guns on Clark’s people and tie them up. They take Ollie’s rifle and Max steals Clark’s map. Fred Dickson pockets Bill’s two gold coins. The Northern interlopers continue on their search.

EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

It is dark by the time Clark and his team are free of the ropes. Clark is alarmed and anxious that his map is gone. Tammy is angry. Bill and Ollie verbally attack Emmet for betraying them.

They decide to camp in place. The bugs and snakes no longer are attracted to Bill. However, their sleep is interrupted by disturbing noises in the distance.

EXT. FOREST – DAY

The next morning Clark has calmed down. They decide to continue on with the exploration.

They follow a path that was taken by Grant’s group. Eventually they come upon an area of broken and flattened vegetation. And then they see it; the mangled body of Victor Lennox. All are disturbed and shaken. Clark is the most upset. Emmet goes and sits off alone. Tammy mentions the monster. Ollie says a wild boar most likely attacked Victor. Then Bill discovers strange huge three-toed foot prints. It is no wild boar.

Tammy decides to go ahead and try to retrieve the map. The others tell her no. Emmet says he’ll go with her. They forbid that. Tammy goes on her own.

EXT. FOREST NEAR THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Tammy reaches Grant’s group. She hides in the brush and observes them from a distance. Something rustles. A copperhead slithers by her. She contains a scream.

She sees the men have difficulty starting a fire. Max and Grant are studying the map. She hears one of the men scream. It’s Fred Dickson fighting off a cotton mouth and a copperhead. The two gold coins are attracting a negative force.

Max puts the map down and he and Grant go to check on Fred. Tammy takes this opportunity to sneak in and grab the map. But suddenly the wind picks up and they are hit with a mini twister. Horrendous animal sounds are heard. In a panic Fred runs directly by Tammy and knocks her off her feet. She looks up to see Fred dart through the trees toward a pair of glowing green orbs. A moment later he lets out a dreadful scream.

Grant and Max are lying on the ground. Body parts of Fred are flung at them. Tammy gets up, map in hand, and scrambles away. After a few moments she hears something crashing through the forest behind her. She runs faster, but trips and falls. A hand grabs her. It’s Max. He hauls her up and drags her back to Grant.

EXT. FOREST – DAY

Clark, Ollie, Bill and Emmet come across an ancient Indian mound. This is an indicator that they are heading toward the gold.

EXT. FOREST NEAR THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Then they stumble onto the site of the mini twister. Some of Grant’s possessions are trashed and scattered about. Ollie finds his stolen rifle. They see a human arm and a foot. They find a body. Half its face has been torn off. Ollie recognizes it as Fred Dickson.

They are all shocked and alarmed. Bill says that Tammy was correct, there is a monster. He wants to turn back. Clark is the most terrified, but is determined to find the gold. Ollie reminds them that they need to find Tammy. They press on.

EXT. THE DEAD LAKES – NIGHT

A prehistoric landscape. Clusters of ancient Cypress trees and Cypress elbows dot the waters.

Clark’s men set up camp. They again have trouble starting a fire. They hear strange animal-like sounds. Ollie sees two glowing orbs. Several snakes slink through the campsite. The men retreat to their tents.

Late in the night a mini twister hits. The tents are torn from their moorings. The men are knocked about. Bill is thrown through the air into a tree. Clark is trapped tangled in his tent. Ollie is dazed. Emmet crawls.

Then Amaruga reveals itself. It trudges toward Emmet. Ollie gets his rifle and shoots the creature. It keeps coming. Ollie keeps firing. Emmet scrambles out of its reach. Amaruga turns and trudges back into the forest. Bullets did no harm to it.

Clark is left weeping and whimpering. Emmet sits and just stares. Ollie attends to Bill’s injury.

EXT. THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Ollie cleans up the debris. Bill is limping. Clark is angry and rants about the gold and Tammy. Emmet is gone.

A few snakes head toward the men. Clark freaks out and runs screaming. He needs to find Tammy. He runs right into a nest of snakes surging toward him. He falls and is set upon by snakes. Ollie and Bill are helpless to get to him. Ollie shoots at the snakes.

Suddenly Amaruga is there. A long claw on one of its three fingers impales Clark. It lifts him up and sinks its fangs into him. Ollie’s shooting is to no avail. Amaruga turns and heads toward a lake.

EXT. THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Grant and Max, with Tammy in tow, hike along the edge of a swamp by the lake as they follow the map. A strange sound attracts them. Several yards offshore the water bubbles, they glimpse something large move under water. Then spot two glowing blue orbs just beneath the surface. They start to run but Max and Tammy get stuck in thick mud. It’s quicksand. Grant helps Max, out. They reach for Tammy, but the water bubbles up ferociously. The men run off leaving Tammy to her fate.

EXT. THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Ollie and Bill find an old wooden rowboat on shore. They row it out into the lake. They drift pass spooky looking Cypress trees and small islands.

LATER:

Then they spot Grant and Max on shore talking. Max remains in place as Grant walks toward a cluster of three Cypress trees.

Ollie rows the boat ashore, out of sight from the other two men. Bill remains by the rowboat and Ollie heads toward the three Cypress trees. Bill notices something huge moving under water toward the three Cypress trees.

EXT. THE THREE CYPRESS TREES – DAY

Behind the three Cypress trees, Ollie discovers a hollow that leads underground. He enters.

INT. CAVE – DAY

Ollie follows a passage that just may lead to the gold. Suddenly, he is attacked by Grant. They fight. Ollie is knocked unconscious.

Grant heads along a second passage and finds a few gold coins and gold ingots scattered on the ground. He is delighted. Amaruga erupts out of the ground. Terrified, Grant races along the tunnel pursued by the creature.

EXT. THE THREE CYPRESS TREES – DAY

Grant exits the cave and runs. Amaruga explodes out of the cave and creates a mini twister.

Max witnesses the twister tear the skin from Grant. Amaruga then pounces him and rips him apart with its claws. Petrified, Max takes off into the woods. Bill cowers in the bottom of the rowboat.

Ollie stumbles from the cave to see the Amaruga devour Grant. He looks to rowboat. Bill waves, signaling him to run. Ollie dashes into the woods.

Ollie goes only a few yards when a gunshot rings out. He ducks. Max steps from behind a tree. He mocks Ollie and takes aim. Amaruga shoots a long sharp claw that impales Max. It lifts him and dives into the lake drowning Max.

EXT. THE DEAD LAKES – DAY

Ollie sloshes waist deep through a Cypress swamp. He reaches solid ground terrified and exhausted. He rests. Then he hears something tramping toward him through the woods. He takes cover. To his surprise, it’s Tammy and Emmet.

They inform Ollie how Emmet came across Tammy and extracted her from the quicksand. He tells them about the cave and escaping from Amaruga. That’s when several snakes slither by and the strange animal sound is heard. Amaruga is coming for them. The three scurry away. They hear the heavy thudding footsteps of the trudging creature behind them.

Ollie has lost his rifle to repel the monster. But Tammy has figured out that it must be fearful of fire as fires go out when it’s nearby. They quickly build a fire.

Ollie heads back toward the approaching Amaruga. It gets close and Ollie runs toward the fire that has spread to the brush. Ollie clears the fire. But Amaruga creates its mini twister. The fire explodes and sets Emmet ablaze. Its claw pierces Emmet. Again, the fire erupts and scorches Amaruga.

A wall of flames obscures Ollie and Tammy’s view of Amaruga, but they hear its screeches of pain. They turn and run.

INT. OLLIE’S HOME – DAY

Ollie and Tammy relate their adventure to Ollie’s wife, Clare. They are concerned that Bill is still out there. Ollie puts a couple of gold coins and a gold ingot on the table, proof that there is a treasure of lost Confederate gold. But will they risk another attempt to retrieve it?

INT. FOREST WOMAN’S CABIN – DAY

Sergeant Roland Johnson sits with the ancient looking woman. He refers to her as his wife and thanks her for supplying the men. He opens a sack and spills gold ingots onto the table. With a knife he peels off several thin slivers of gold. The woman sprinkles them on some food and takes a bite. She transforms back to middle age. Sergeant Johnson assures her that the Amaruga has been fed.

The End

TAGGED OUTLINE

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established:

1862: The aftermath of the Union ambush of the Confederates: wounded Confederate

Sergeant Johnson struggles to haul wagon filled with gold away from battle scene.

Horror Situation: Sergeant Johnson sees creature snatch and devour soldier.

Reaction: terrified, he struggles to haul gold into the forest.

Demand: Intrigue: After the ambush attack, Confederate Sergeant Johnson glimpses a horrendous creature eating a corpse.

Monster Reveal: What is this creature?

Connect with the characters: Clark and Bill try
to convince friend and outdoorsman Ollie to lead them on their trek into
the wilderness in search of the lost gold. Ollie is not interested.
The characters are warned not to do it. Tammy, Clark’s
girlfriend, is concerned for their safety. due to legends of missing
people and an evil presence at the Dead Lakes.

Horror Situation: Tammy mentions legends of missing people and an evil presence at the Dead Lakes.

Reaction: the men don’t believe, just laugh.

Denial of Horror: Clark & Bill
laugh at the legends. Tammy convinces Ollie to join the expedition.

Demand: Tammy warns Clark about rumors of a strange creature and missing people.

Monster Reveal: Intrigue, concern, is there any truth to the rumors?

Safety taken away:

After boating up river, the group enters the forest to follow clues to the lost gold.

Horror Situation: one of the men gets stuck in quicksand

Reaction: the others quickly pull him out. Ollie warns that there more dangerous pockets of quicksand ahead.

Monster: The nature of the
beast. They encounter a strange middle age woman living in the
forest. When they talk to her about the gold, she misdirects them.

Demand: A strange but seemingly friendly forest woman gives them directions.

Monster Reveal: Ollie and Tammy sense there is something ‘off’ about this woman.

Horror Situation: The men’s compass spins wildly.

Reaction: Confused, Ollie and Clark argue as to the right direction they should go, Clark prevails.

Demand: The forest woman stares at the sky.

Monster Reveal: Sergeant Johnson stares at the sky, nods as if receiving a message. He enters a cave where there are huge three-toed footprints in the dirt. He speaks and an unnatural animal voice responds.

Demand: At the site of the 1864 ambush, Bill finds 2 gold coins.

Monster Reveal: Bill pockets the coins. Snakes and insects are attracted to him.

Horror Situation: A vine wraps around Emmet, attempts to strangle him.

Reaction: Men save him, but realize something is not right.

Demand: Grant Fairfield’s group has followed Clark’s. Grant’s group meets the forest woman; she gives the same directions.

Monster Reveal: When she enters her cabin, she transforms from middle age to an ancient hag.

Horror Situation: The woman enters her shack and immediately transforms into her true self – an ancient hag.

Reaction: Audience shock. Audience realizes she is evil and directed the men into danger.

Demand: Clark’s group has trouble building a campfire, it keeps getting extinguished.

Monster Reveal: There is something unnatural in the air.

Grant’s group meets up with Clark’s. There is a confrontation. Grant has Clark’s group tied up. Max Sedgwick steals Clark’s map. Grant’s group treks forward.

Horror Situation: without the map they are more lost and unsure where to go.

Reaction: They have to follow Grant’s group.

1st Act turning point: One of us killed:

Horror Situation: Clark’s group comes across the mutilated body of Victor Lennox, a member of Grant’s party.

Reaction: They are terrified and confused. Debate about continuing on.

CHARACTER DEATH 1 VICTOR LENNOX

WHY: the member of Grant’s group who stole the map from Clark.

HOW: Clarks’ group come across Victor’s remains. They have no idea what did this.

Demand: Clark’s group discovers the mangled body of Victor Lennox (of Grant’s group).

Monster Reveal: There are huge three-toed footprints by the body.

Horror Situation: Clark’s group comes across the mutilated body of Victor Lennox, a member of Grant’s party.

Reaction: They are terrified and confused. Debate about continuing on.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Nature turns
against the men.

Horror Situation: Strange animalistic sounds follow the men. A wild boar charges them.

Reaction: They scatter. Ollie shoots at it, misses.

Tammy sneaks off alone to retrieve the map.

Demand: Tammy observes Grant’s group having trouble starting a camp fire. Fred Dickson who stole the 2 gold coins from Bill is now pestered by snakes and insects.

Monster Reveal: The coins are attracting a negative force.

Horror Situation: The wind picks up and the twister levels the camp.

Reaction: Fred Dickson flees into the forest. Horror sounds. Fred’s body part

are flung into the camp.

CHARACTER DEATH 2: FRED DICKSON

WHY: terrorized by the strange twister that leveled Grant’s camp, Fred makes bad decision to

run into forest.

HOW: his screams are heard, then his body parts are flung at Grant’s men.

Demand: A mini twister hits Grant’s camp. Horrendous animal sounds are heard. Fred Dickson is terrified. He runs screaming into the forest.

Monster Reveal: A pair of glowing green orbs move towards Fred. Body parts are flung into the camp.

Horror Situation: Tammy grabs the map and flees. The pounding of feet follows her.

Reaction: She falls and is grabbed by Max Sedgwick.

Demand: Clark’s group finds Grant’s camp destroyed. Body parts litter the area.

Monster Reveal: Only a monster could do this. It’s unnatural.

Horror Situation: Clark’s group camps at night. The smell of rotting meat is carried on the wind. They see two green orbs glowing through the trees.

Reaction: Uncertainty. Some of the men vomit.

Midpoint: Monster is worse than we thought

Horror Situation: Clark’s camp fire mysteriously goes out. The wind picks up, becomes a mini-twister and tears the campsite apart.

Reaction: The men are frightened. Bill is injured. Clark is totally terrified and weeps.

Demand: Clark is thrown through the air and against a tree.

Monster Reveal: The Amaruga reveals itself. Ollie shoots it several times, it retreats unharmed.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Clark rushes ahead hoping to find Tammy.

Horror Situation: A nest of poisonous snakes surge through the forest. Clark is bitten, he falls and is covered in snakes.

Reaction: Ollie and Bill see Clark being devoured by the Amaruga. Emmet runs away.

CHARACTER DEATH 3 Clark Grady

WHY: ashamed of his earlier fear, he wants to prove himself by finding Tammy.

The monster is revealed to his team.

HOW: It impales him with a long claw and begins to eat him.

Demand: The Amaruga reveals itself.

Monster Reveal: The Amaruga reveals itself. Ollie shoots it several times, it retreats unharmed. Bullets won’t kill it.

Demand: Grant, Max and Tammy hike along edge of lake.

Monster Reveal: The water bubbles, Amaruga surfaces a distance from shore. They run. Tammy gets stuck in quicksand; the men leave her behind.

APPARENT DEATH:
Tammy Marshall

WHY:
She is captured
by Grant’s group.

HOW: In an attempt to save themselves Grant and Max leave
her to die in quicksand.

Demand: Grant and Max rush toward a cave where they believe the gold is hidden.

Monster Reveal: They hear the thud of the monster’s footsteps pursuing them.

Fight to the death: Ollie and Grant fight while being pursued by the Amauga.

Demand: Ollie follows a passage in the cave that may lead to the gold. He is attacked by Grant and knocked unconscious.

Monster Reveal: Amaruga appears and goes after Grant.

Hysteria:

Grant exits the cave and is pursued by Amaruga.

Monster Reveal: Amaruga creates a mini twister that tears Grant’s skin off. It then rips him to shreds. Max witnesses this and flees.

CHARACTER DEATH 4 Grant Fairfield

WHY: arrogant and demanding, he believes he is entitled to the gold.

HOW: he has found the hidden gold, but Amaruga has found him. It creates a twister that tears

the skin from Grant and rips at him with its claws.

Death returns to take one or more.

Demand: Ollie sneaks out of cave and runs. Ollie encounters Max who shoots at him.

Monster Reveal: Amaruga spears Max with its claw and dives into lake drowning Max.

CHARACTER DEATH 5 Max Sedgwick

WHY: he attempts to shoot Ollie. The gunshot attracts Amaruga.

HOW: Amaruga impales Max with its claw and dives into the swamp to drown Max.

The thrilling escape from death:

The Amaruga now stalks Ollie as he struggles through the Dead Lakes.

Demand: Ollie comes across Tammy; she survived the quicksand.

Monster Reveal: They have a long pursuit by Amaruga.

demand: tammy realizes that fire can harm or kill Amaruga.

Monster Reveal: Just as Amaruga gets close they attack it with fire. It burns and runs off.

Resolution:

Ollie, Tammy and Bill are back safely in town. They have some gold pieces, proof there is a

gold treasure. Will they risk another venture to retrieve the gold?

Survivors live…but somehow, the monster is still alive for the sequel.

Demand: Sergeant Johnson shaves slivers of gold and sprinkles them on his food.

Monster Reveal: He also sets out larger pieces for Amaruga. He tells Amaruga this will restore its health.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone Monster Reveal Track

What I learned was to reveal the monster in increments. And to have the victims gradually come to some understanding of the monster and how to stop or kill it.

Who or what the is the monster?

The Amaruga is huge humanoid creature that lives in the wild areas of the Deep South.

What are its powers?

It can travel on walk on land, and live in water.

It can propel its power by wind and create mini twisters.

The twisters can rip skin off.

Each hand has three fingers with long dagger like claws that can impale

It has two rows of razor-sharp teeth, and 4 fangs.

What are its limitations?

Must stay within a limited area close to the hidden gold.

What are its weaknesses?

Fire

What is its Plan/Purpose/Appetite?

It works with Sergeant Johnson to protect the gold.

Johnson allows it to eat gold shavings and to eat the bodies of their victims.

The gold has prolonged Johnson’s life.

Opening/prologue:

Demand: Intrigue: After the ambush attack, Confederate Sergeant Johnson glimpses a horrendous creature eating a corpse.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Monster Reveal: What is this creature?

During 1st Act:

Demand: Tammy warns Clark about rumors of a strange creature and missing people.

Monster Reveal: Intrigue, concern, is there any truth to the rumors?

Demand: A strange but seemingly friendly forest woman gives them directions.

Monster Reveal: Ollie and Tammy sense there is something ‘off’ about this woman.

Demand: Their compass spins wildly.

Monster Reveal: Unnatural event. They argue about which direction to go.

Demand: The forest woman stares at the sky.

Monster Reveal: Sergeant Johnson stares at the sky, nods as if receiving a message. He enters a cave where there are huge three-toed footprints in the dirt. He speaks and an unnatural animal voice responds.

Demand: At the site of the 1864 ambush, Bill finds 2 gold coins.

Monster Reveal: Bill pockets the coins. Snakes and insects are attracted to him.

Demand: Grant’s group meets the forest woman; she gives the same directions.

Monster Reveal: When she enters her cabin, she transforms from middle age to an ancient hag.

Demand: Clark’s group has trouble building a campfire, it keeps getting extinguished.

Monster Reveal: There is something unnatural in the air.

1st Act turning point:

Demand: Clark’s group discovers the mangled body of Victor Lennox (of Grant’s group).

Monster Reveal: There are huge three-toed footprints by the body.

1st half of 2nd Act: The
monster is present, but hidden.

Demand: Tammy observes Grant’s group having trouble starting a camp fire. Fred Dickson who stole the 2 gold coins from Bill is now pestered by snakes and insects.

Monster Reveal: The coins are attracting a negative force.

Demand: A mini twister hits Grant’s camp. Horrendous animal sounds are heard. Fred Dickson is terrified. He runs screaming into the forest.

Monster Reveal: A pair of glowing green orbs move towards Fred. Body parts are flung into the camp.

Demand: Clark’s group finds Grant’s camp destroyed. Body parts litter the area.

Monster Reveal: Only a monster could do this. It’s unnatural.

Demand: As Clark sets up camp, someone sees the glowing green orbs in the forest.

Monster Reveal: Is this the monster?

Midpoint: Monster is
worse than we thought

Demand: Clark’s camp fire mysteriously goes out. Then a mini twister tears the camp apart. Clark is thrown through the air and against a tree.

Monster Reveal: The Amaruga reveals itself. Ollie shoots it several times, it retreats unharmed

2nd half of 2nd Act: Monster
pursuing / attacking characters,

Demand: Clark is incensed and rushes off to find Tammy.

Monster Reveal: A nest of snakes take Clark down. Amaruga kills him. Emmet runs away.

3rd Act: Characters
solve the puzzle and fight back, apparently killing monster

Demand: Grant, Max and Tammy hike along edge of lake.

Monster Reveal: The water bubbles, Amaruga surfaces a distance from shore. They run. Tammy gets stuck in quicksand; the men leave her behind

Demand: Grant and Max run toward where they believe the gold is hidden.

Monster Reveal: They hear the thud of the monster’s footsteps pursuing them.

Demand: Ollie follows a passage in the cave that may lead to the gold. He is attacked by Grant and knocked unconscious.

Monster Reveal: Amaruga appears and goes after Grant.

Demand: Grant exits the cave and is pursued by Amaruga.

Monster Reveal: Amaruga creates a mini twister that tears Grant’s skin off. It then rips him to shreds.

Demand: Ollie sneaks out of cave and runs. Max shoots at him.

Monster Reveal: Amaruga spears Max with its claw and dives into lake drowning Max.

Demand: Ollie comes across Tammy; she survived the quicksand.

Monster Reveal: They have a long pursuit by Amaruga.

Demand: Tammy realizes that fire can harm or kill Amaruga.

Monster Reveal: Just as Amaruga gets close they attack it with fire. It burns and runs off.

Resolution: Survivors
live…but somehow, the monster is still alive for the sequel.

Ollie, Bill and Tammy survive and make it home.

Demand: Sergeant Johnson shaves slivers of gold and sprinkles them on his food.

Monster Reveal: He also sets out larger pieces for Amaruga. He tells Amaruga this will restore its health.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone CHARACTER JOURNEY TRACK

What I learned was a great way to profile the characters and how to outline their journey in the script. This will help connect the audience to the characters and give them more meaning. These basic ideas will be developed as I write the script.

CHARACTER PROFILES

OLLIE GRIER

ROLE: Survivor, wilderness guide

TRAITS: knows the wilderness, confident, strong

FEARS: doesn’t trust Grant Fairfield

WANTS/NEEDS: help Clark find gold, keep them safe, get back to his little daughter’s birthday

LIKEABILITY: good friend, loving father, confronts adversity

HOW HE BEHAVES UNDER STREES: keeps cool, doesn’t over react, takes action

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS: Friendly, pushes them when necessary

CLARK GRADY

ROLE: group leader, sceptic, does not survive

TRAITS: expert on Confederate lost gold, serious, can be argumentative

FEARS: not succeeding

WANTS/NEEDS: to find lost gold, prove his grandfather was not a crazy fool

LIKEABILITY: smart, generous, will share reward, loves Tammy

HOW HE BEHAVES UNDER STREES: worries, easily frightened, panics

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS: Friendly, controlling

BILL MERIWETHER

ROLE: survivor, sidekick, provides humor

TRAITS: knowledgeable on Confederate lost gold, easy going, funny, practical

FEARS: worries about rumors and legends of people disappearing and strange creature

WANTS/NEEDS: help Clark find lost gold, survive the monster

LIKEABILITY: smart, good friend, humorous, helpful

HOW HE BEHAVES UNDER STREES: stays somewhat cool, calms others, takes action

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS: Friendly, but not keen on Emmet Floyd

TAMMY MARSHALL

ROLE: survivor, badass, Clark’s fiancé

TRAITS: athletic, energetic, self-reliant

FEARS: tends to believe the rumors of disappearing people and the monster

WANTS/NEEDS: to get Ollie to lead the expedition, to keep Clark and the others safe

LIKEABILITY: badass, vivacious, cares for others

HOW SHE BEHAVES UNDER STREES: first reaction is fear, dread, but quickly gains composure and takes action

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS: Friendly, but can be bossy, motivates others

EMMET FLOYD

ROLE: follower, paid help, does not survive

TRAITS: unassuming, a complainer

FEARS: the wilderness

WANTS/NEEDS: just in it for the money

LIKEABILITY: not very likeable

HOW HE BEHAVES UNDER STREES: very fearful, panics, losses control

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS: keeps to himself, not trustworthy

GRANT FAIRFIELD

ROLE: Northerner, group leader, does not survive

TRAITS: expert on Confederate lost gold, arrogant, sociopath

FEARS: not finding the gold, that Clark will find it before him.

WANTS/NEEDS: to find lost gold, gain self-glory

LIKEABILITY: not likeable

HOW HE BEHAVES UNDER STREES: becomes more demanding, controlling, takes action

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS: manipulative, controlling, demanding

MAX SEDGWICK

ROLE: Northerner, Grant’s right hand man, his mussel.

TRAITS: physically powerful, tough, mean

FEARS: nothing much frightens him, oh except for snakes

WANTS/NEEDS: to protect and help Grant’s quest for the gold

LIKEABILITY: not likeable

HOW HE BEHAVES UNDER STREES: becomes physical, fights, takes action

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS: edgy, bossy, enforcer

VICTOR LENNOX

ROLE: Northerner, works for Grant

TRAITS: easy going, likes to please

FEARS: wild life, bodies of water

WANTS/NEEDS: to please Grant and Max, do their bidding

LIKEABILITY: pleasant, cheerful

HOW HE BEHAVES UNDER STREES: becomes terrified, vomits, pees his pants

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS: gets along, tries hard to be liked.

FRED DICKSON

ROLE: Southern local hired by Grant, loser, does not survive

TRAITS: somewhat knowledgeable of the local wilderness

FEARS: has a good respect for wild things, fear of the unknown

WANTS/NEEDS: get the gold and get his pay

LIKEABILITY: likeable

HOW HE BEHAVES UNDER STREES: puts up a good front but quickly turns to mush

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS: suspicious of others

B. CHARACTER JOURNEYS

OLLIE GRIER

1. Character Intro: turns down Clark’s offer to join
his search for the lost gold. Has made enemy of Grant Fairfield for not
guiding Grant’s expedition to Tate’s Hell
Denial: Dismisses Tammy’s concerns about
disappearances and strange creature. But agrees to guide Clark’s
expedition.

3. Their reaction at first horror: When first sign something is not right, he is startled, but not very

concerned.

4. Relation to group after first horror: he calms others, tells them it’s nothing. He takes control

and leads.

5. How they fight back: shooting the monster does nothing. He repels it, maybe kills it, with fire.

6. End Point: He escapes back to town.

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?

He returns with pieces of gold that prove the lost gold exists, and that the legends

and rumors of a monster are true. Extreme precautions must be taken for any

future efforts to retrieve the gold.

CLARK GRADY

1. Character Intro: Tries to convince Ollie to guide
his group into wilderness. We see he is intelligent, practical,
determined.

2. Denial: Dismisses Tammy’s concerns as simply rumors.

3. Their reaction at first horror: He is startled, concerned but can’t believe it’s real.

4. Relation to group after first horror: He encourages others to carry on. Becomes

argumentative.

5. How they fight back: He suggests a different route to avoid the monster, even though he

refuses to believe it is real.

6. End Point: He runs off to find Tammy, but is killed by the monster.

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Proof that the monster and lost gold are real, not just legends. Extreme precautions must be taken for any future efforts to retrieve the gold.

BILL MERIWETHER

1. Character Intro: He is engaging and tries to get
Ollies to join their search by telling him it will be a fun adventure.

2. Denial: Laughs at Tammy’s tales about disappearances and strange creature. But confides to Clark that he does have some concern.

3. Their reaction at first horror: He is very frightened. Suggests they go home.

4. Relation to group after first horror: To ease his fears he jokes about their situation.

5. How they fight back: runaway

6. End Point: He makes it home.

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?

TAMMY MARSHALL

1. Character Intro: She warns Clark to take
precautions and get Ollie to guide the expedition.

2. Denial: She has some degree of belief in the rumors.

3. Their reaction at first horror: She is very frightened, but puts on a brave face.

4. Relation to group after first horror: Tells the others she was right about the monster.

5. How they fight back: She realizes the Amaruga fears fire and attacks it with fire,

6. End Point: The Amaruga is repelled or killed. She escapes to home.

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?

Any future searchers of the gold should have fire for protection.

EMMET FLOYD

1. Character Intro: Clark introduces him to Ollie as
they set out. Ollie is suspicious of Emmet

2. Denial: Makes cynical, sarcastic comments.

3. Their reaction at first horror: Shocked, can’t believe it. Wants to go on the offensive.

4. Relation to group after first horror: Becomes aggressive & impulsive, complains.

5. How they fight back: He fires at monster with his pistol to no effect.

6. End Point: While protecting Tammy the Monster kills him.

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Ollie realizes Emmet was a good man.

GRANT FAIRFIELD

1. Character Intro: Angry with Ollie for not guiding
his trek to Tate’s Hell. Schemes to follow Clark’s expedition to find lost

2. Denial: Believes this is just some freaky one-time occurrence.

3. Their reaction at first horror: Shocked, but quickly shakes it off.

4. Relation to group after first horror: Orders them to keep going.

5. How they fight back: shoots at monster, attempts to blow it up with dynamite

6. End Point: just when he finds the gold the monster kills him

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Greed and arrogance do not win.

MAX SEDGWICK

1. Character Intro: Acts tough towards Ollie. Somewhat
threatening.

2. Denial: he believes what he sees, is scared

3. Their reaction at first horror: petrified of snakes, screams, yells

4. Relation to group after first horror: Backs up Grant’s orders to keep going.

5. How they fight back: shoots at monster, attempts to blow it up with dynamite

6. End Point: he tries to shoot Ollie, but monster kills him

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Greed and arrogance do not win.

VICTOR LENNOX

1. Character Intro: member of Grant’s group as they
trail Clark’s group.

2. Denial: thinks it’s some weird southern voodoo.

3. Their reaction at first horror: goes on the offensive, wants to attack the creature.

4. Relation to group after first horror: sucks up to Grant and Max.

5. How they fight back: he takes off after the creature, tries to shoot it

6. End Point: Monster kills him.

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?

FRED DICKSON

1. Character Intro: Sees Ollie in bar, tells him he’s
lucky not to have gone with Grant’s expedition to Tate’s Hell.

2. Denial: knows this is odd behavior for snakes.

3. Their reaction at first horror: frightened, concerned,

4. Relation to group after first horror: warns others, suggests they go back

5. How they fight back: He doesn’t.

6. End Point: Terrified he runs further into forest, monster kills him.

7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Ollie, Tammy and Bill knew Fred, are saddened.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone Character Death Track <b align=”center”>

What I learned was to vary the way the monster inflicts death and if possible give a moral reason for the deaths. Amaruga kills to protect the hidden gold and to feast on humans.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

CHARACTER DEATH 1 VICTOR LENNOX

WHY: the member of Grant’s group who stole the map from Clark.

HOW: Clarks’ group come across Victor’s remains. They have no idea what did this.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

CHARACTER DEATH 2: FRED DICKSON

WHY: terrorized by the strange twister that leveled Grant’s camp, Fred makes bad decision to run into forest.

HOW: his screams are heard, then his body parts are flung at Grant’s men.

CHARACTER DEATH 3 Clark Grady

WHY: ashamed of his earlier fear, he wants to prove himself by finding Tammy. The monster is revealed to his team.

HOW: It impales him with a long claw and begins to eat him.

APPARENT DEATH: Tammy Marshall <div>

WHY: She is captured by Grant’s group.

HOW: In an attempt to save themselves from attack by gators,
they throw Tammy to the creatures.

CHARACTER DEATH 4 Grant Fairfield

WHY: arrogant and demanding, he believes he is entitled to the gold.

HOW: he has found the hidden gold, but Amaruga has found him. It creates a twister that tears the skin from Grant and rips at him with its claws.

CHARACTER DEATH 5 Max Sedgwick

WHY: he attempts to shoot Ollie. The gunshot attracts Amaruga.

HOW: Amaruga impales him with its claw and dives into the swamp to drown Max.

</div>

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Patrick Malone Horror Situation Track

What I learned was several ways to create horror situations and that the horror should escalate with each act.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established:
1862: The aftermath of the Union
ambush of the Confederates: wounded Confederate Sergeant Johnson struggles to haul wagon
filled with gold away from battle scene.

Horror Situation: Sergeant Johnson sees creature snatch and devour soldier.

Reaction: terrified, he struggles to haul gold into the forest.

Connect with the characters: Clark
and Bill try to convince friend and outdoorsman Ollie to lead them on
their trek into the wilderness in search of the lost gold. Ollie is not
interested.
The characters are warned not to do it. Tammy,
Clark’s girlfriend, is concerned for their safety. due to legends of
missing people and an evil presence at the Dead Lakes.

Horror Situation: Tammy mentions legends of missing people and an evil presence at the Dead Lakes.

Reaction: the men don’t believe, just laugh.

Denial of Horror: Clark
& Bill laugh at the legends. Tammy convinces Ollie to join the
expedition.
Safety taken away: After
boating up river, the group enters the forest to follow clues to the lost
gold.

Horror Situation: one of the men gets stuck in quicksand

Reaction: the others quickly pull him out. Ollie warns that there more dangerous pockets of quicksand ahead.

Monster:
The nature of the beast. They
encounter a strange middle age woman living in the forest. When they talk
to her about the gold, she misdirects them. She looks to the sky and seems
to communicate with a translucent cloud with a vague image of the Amauga.
She then sends her eagle to fly away. <div>

Horror
Situation: The men’s compass spins wildly.

Reaction: Confused, Ollie and Clark argue as to the right direction they should go, Clark prevails.

Horror Situation: A vine wraps around Bill, attempts to strangle him.

Reaction: Men save him, but realize something is not right.

ACT
2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Nature
turns against the men.

Horror Situation: Strange animalistic sounds follow the men. A wild boar charges them.

Reaction: They scatter. Ollie shoots at it, misses.

Grant Fairfield’s group has followed
Clark’s. They meet the middle age forest woman. She gives them the same
directions.

Horror Situation: The woman enters her shack and immediately transforms into her true self – an ancient hag.

Reaction: Audience shock. Audience realizes she is evil and directed the men into danger.

Grant’s group meets up with Clark’s. There is
a confrontation. Max Sedgwick steals Clark’s map. Grant’s group treks
forward.

Horror Situation: without the map they are more lost and unsure where to go.

Reaction: They have to follow Grant’s group.

Horror Situation: While camping at night the smell of rotting meat is carried on the wind. They see two green orbs glowing through the trees.

Reaction: Uncertainty. Some of the men vomit.

One of us killed:

Horror Situation: Clark’s group comes across the mutilated body of Victor Lennox, a member of Grant’s party.

Reaction: They are terrified and confused. Debate about continuing on.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer: Strange, unnatural things happen as Clark’s group treks through the forest and reach the Dead Lakes.

Terrorized: While
camping at night in the swamps, a violent wind destroys the camp. </div><div>

Horror Situation: Clark’s group enjoys the campfire. Once it’s put out the
wind picks up, builds into a twister and tears the tents and site apart.

Reaction: The men are frightened. Clark is totally terrified and weeps. Bill is injured.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

· Tammy sneaks away and finds Grant’s group camping.

Horror Situation: The wind picks up and the twister levels Grant’s camp.

Reaction: Fred Dickson flees into the forest. Horror sounds. Fred’s body part are flung into the camp.

Tammy retrieves the map but is captured by Grant. Clark rushes ahead hoping to find Tammy.

Horror Situation: A mass of poisonous snakes surge through the forest. Clark is bitten, he falls and is covered in snakes.

Reaction: Ollie and Bill see Clark being devoured by the Amaruga.

Fight to the death: Ollie
and Grant fight while being pursued by the Amauga. </div>

Hysteria: Grant beats Ollie unconscious.
The Amaruga is about to pounce on Ollie, but suddenly goes after Grant as
it realizes Grant is about to reach the hidden gold. The Amaruga finds and
tears him apart.

The thrilling escape from death: The
Amaruga now stalks Ollie as he struggles through the Dead Lakes. Ollie
encounters Max who shoots at him.

Death returns to take one or more.
The Amaruga kills Max. As it turns on Ollie, Tammy arrives and attacks it
with fire and repels or kills the Amaruga.

Resolution: Ollie,
Tammy and Bill are back safely in town. They have some gold pieces, proof
there is a gold treasure. Will they risk another venture to retrieve the
gold?

<div></div>

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

<b align=”center”>Patrick Malone Horror Plot Track

What I learned was how to create a basic plot structure for a horror film. I’m not great at outlining and I have a lot to figure out in my story. But I have followed the plot tracks with what I know at this time.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established: 1862:
The aftermath of the Union ambush of the Confederates: wounded Confederate
Sergeant Johnson struggles to haul wagon filled with gold away from
battle scene. He glimpses a terrifying creature devouring the dead and
wounded. <div>

Connect with the characters: Clark
and Bill try to convince friend and outdoorsman Ollie to lead them on
their trek into the wilderness in search of the lost gold. Ollie is not
interested.

The characters are warned not to
do it. Tammy, Clark’s girlfriend, is
concerned for their safety due to legends of missing people and an evil presence
at the Dead Lakes.

Denial of Horror: Clark
& Bill laugh at the legends. Tammy convinces Ollie to join the
expedition.

Safety taken away: After
boating up river, the group enters the forest to follow clues to the lost
gold.

Monster: The nature of the beast.
They encounter a strange middle age woman living in the forest, when they
talk to her about the gold, she misdirects them. She looks to the sky, the
Amaruga appears, translucent in a cloud, and floats in the direction of the men.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Nature
turns against the men. Bill is injured. Grant Fairfield’s group has
followed Clark’s. There is a confrontation. Max Sedgwick steals Clark’s
map. Grant’s group treks forward.</div><div>

One of us killed: Clark’s
group comes across the mutilated body of Victor Lennox, a member of Grant’s
party.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer: Strange,
unnatural things happen as Clark’s group treks through the forest and reach
the Dead Lakes. One of the men just disappears. </div>

Terrorized: While
camping at night in the swamps, a violent wind destroys the camp. The men
glimpse the Amaruga as if materializes out of mist.

<div>

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death: Ollie
and Clark fight while being pursued by the Amauga.
Hysteria: Grant
beats unconscious Ollie. The Amaruga is about to pounce on Ollie, but suddenly
goes after Grant. Grant reaches the hidden gold. The Amaruga finds and tears
him apart. </div>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>The thrilling escape from death: The
Amaruga now stalks Ollie as he struggles through the Dead Lakes. Ollie
encounters Max who shoots at him.

Death returns to take one or more.
The Amaruga kills Max. As it turns on Ollie, Tammy arrives and attacks it with
fire and repels or kills the Amaruga.

Resolution:
Ollie, Clark, Tammy and Bill are back safely in town. They have some gold
pieces, proof there is a gold treasure. Will they risk another venture to
retrieve the gold?

[Patrick Malone]

Characters for Horror

What I learned was how to differentiate the main characters and give them specific roles. Also considered who may die.

1. Tell us your Concept and the Group you have chosen.

Two
rival groups seek long lost Confederate gold in the forests and swamps of
the Dead Lakes by the Gulf Coast.

· C. SOCIAL GROUP: One is a local group of friends; the other is a group of outsiders from the North.

2. Tell us the Dying Pattern of this movie.

B. The characters experience the terror and survive together, but one or two die.

Probably three will die.

3. Give us an Identity and a sentence for each character that makes up your group.

The Local Group:

Leader: Clark Grady: a serious Civil War buff, research leads him to believe there is a stash of Confederate gold hidden near the Dead Lakes.

Moral One: Bill Meriwether: a less serious Civil War buff, fun loving, adventurous.

Rescuer: Ollie Grier: an outdoorsman who reluctantly leads his friends Clark and Bill through the forests and swamps.

Love Interest/ Red Herring: Tammy Marshall: Clark’s girlfriend.

The Outsider Group:

Leader: Grant Fairfield: a Northerner, the ancestor of Yankee Colonel Cassius Fairfield who was killed when his men ambushed the Confederates transporting the gold in 1865. Grant is on s very determined mission to find the gold he believes is rightfully his.

Out Of Control: Frank Dickson: Northerner, assistant and body guard to Grant.

Complainer: Max Sedgwick: a local hired to help with Grant’s expedition.

Loner/Monster Bait: Victor Laurenti: another local hired to help with Grant’s expedition.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

TERRIFING MONSTER

What I learned was how to create the various elements that make up the monster. The monster is a savage killer. The monster may appear dead at the film’s conclusion, but it survives to be in a sequel.

1. Tell us what or who your monster is.

The monster is known as Amauga. It resides in the Dead Lakes area of Florida’s Gulf Coast.

2. Give us a few sentences for each of the following for your monster:

Their Terror:

The Amauga controls the forests and swamps of the Dead Lakes.

When it’s on the prowl, animals, birds and insects rush away.

It can make itself invisible. It travels through the air, on the wind. It materializes before it strikes.

The Amauga creates a whirlwind that tears the skin off its victims before it rips their bodies apart. Then it feasts.

Their Mystery:

The Amauga guards the hidden gold. How do the gold hunters circumvent and survive the Amauga?

Their Fear-Provoking Appearance:

Amauga has a humanoid appearance with a large heavyset body. Its head is proportionally large with long black stringy hair. It has large green eyes that glow. Its jaw is very large with two rows of teeth and fangs. Its arms are extremely long. It has three fingers with long sharp nails on each hand. It has the stench of rotten meat.

Their Rules:

The Amauga can walk on land, live in water, and travel through the air. It materializes before it strikes. It hunts in the forests and swamps around the Dead Lakes. It kills all variates of creatures and humans.

It guards the hidden gold. Get near the gold, the Amauga will get you.

Their Mythology:

The Amauga is believed to be hundreds of years old and exists in the Deep South. There were reports of it feasting on the corpses of Civil War soldiers.

[Patrick Malone]

Cheryl, why does my formatting show up all askew when I post it? I pasted it from Word. Thanks

[Patrick Malone]

What I learned is the difference between horror and thriller films, a more detailed understanding of the horror conventions, and that horror films need plenty of death.

Watch the movie and as you do, note its conventions.

Title / Concept: The Ritual:
four friends take a hiking trip in the Swedish wilderness from which they
may not ever return.

– Terrorize The Characters: after five friends meet to decide where to go on a trip, one is murdered in a liquor store robbery while Luke fails to help him; the four remaining men head to Sweden; get lost in forest; face huge night time thunder storm; threatening growls; shelter in an abandoned house with a wiccan statue; attacked and killed by huge, obfuscation creature; have have
hallucinations; tortured and killed by strange superstitious people.

– Isolation: wilderness,
forest, trapped in abandoned house

– Death: maddening
hallucinations; unseen creature impales elk on
tree; have terrifying dreams; creature stalks the men eventually kills 2 of them; superstitious people
offer one man as sacrifice to the creature.

– Monster/Villain:
creature
that is bastard offspring of Norse god Loki; the superstitious people and their witch

– High Tension: injury forces
men to take shortcut through forest; men lost in forest; foreboding
atmosphere; huge thunderstorm; strange, evil sounds; creature stalks the
men; will last man escape the superstitious people and the creature?

– Moral Statement: ?

With your concept, fill in each of these Conventions for your story.

– Concept: Two rival
groups seek long lost Confederate gold.

– Terrorize The
Characters: with snakes, gators, flying cockroaches, quick
sand, vines that strangle, traps, mystical spells, infighting amongst the men

– Isolation: forests and
swamps of the Gulf Coast

– Death: some seekers
will be killed by nature, others by paranormal powers and spirits of long
dead Confederate soldiers.

– Monster/Villain:
an
ancient woman who misdirects the seekers, sometimes to their deaths. A paranormal
creature that guards the gold.

–

High Tension: getting lost in wilderness; struggles with nature; fights among the men; excruciating
tortures. Augmented with horrifying sound fx and ominous music.

– Departure from
Reality: the locations do exist, but the ancient woman, spirits
of dead soldiers are not part of ordinary life.

– Moral Statement:
honesty
and perseverance triumph over greed and treachery.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Hello everyone, my name is Patrick Malone.

I have written 2 feature screenplays and a TV pilot. I am currently touching up the pilot and pitch bible that I created through Screenwriting U’s Binge Worthy course.

I seem to lean toward writing thrillers, so attacking a horror script is new for me. Since Hal said that smart horror films are in demand and are often an easier sell, I decided to give it a shot.

I have 3 concepts, but there is one I will most likely stick with for this course.

With Hal’s experience and insights, I hope to somewhat master the elements of horror and get inspired to create a great script. And have some fun along the way.

I have been a film editor for many years and have worked with some amazingly talented creative people.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Patrick Malone.

[Patrick Malone]

Lesson 4 – Situation Subtext

INT. BUILDING 1029 CLARK, LIVING ROOM – DAY

Jesse picks up the package from Raymond Carvel

Unaware.

Having no knowledge or awareness of what is really happening.

Jesse doesn’t realize that Raymond and company are crooks and that the package contains pistols.

INT. SIMCOE TERRACE INN, MILT’S SUITE – DAY

Jesse befriends Milt and Harper Harris.

Deception.

One or more characters are lying or misleading others.

Jesse is attracted to this couple from South Carolina because that is where the woman he loves is from.

Milt and Harper like Jesse and hire him as their driver while they visit Niagara. Jesse does not know their true identity and that he is entering a potentially dangerous relationship/situation.

EXT. OVERFLOW PARKING LOT – DAY

Jesse is confronted by Nick and Turner.

Superior Position.

The audience knows something one or more characters don’t know. We watch these characters misjudge the situation.

Dixie Mafia members Nick and Turner believe Jesse is Milt Harris and that he can lead them to Vance Rollins who is on their hit list. They do not realize that Jesse is just the parking valet.

At the same time Jesse has no idea why they believe he is Milt Harris, nor that Milt is actually Vance Rollins.

[Patrick Malone]

Lesson 3 – Character Subtext

JESSE:

Character surface: While complaining about his current situation of working at menial low paying jobs, he over compensates by boasting about his filmmaking career. He confidently proclaims he is making a great film about haunted Niagara.

Character subtext: He is hiding an insecurity and wound. He is emotionally devastated. A former film project he was developing collapsed. He lost his money, his self-esteem, and was separated from the woman he loves. By making the film about Niagara he hopes to earn money, restore his self-worth and get back to the woman.

MILT:

Character surface: He is an imposing picture of a successful and confidence businessman. He runs a profitable sports equipment business and is on holiday in Niagara with his wife, Harper.

Character subtext: He is hiding a secret identity. He is actually a gangster, a member of the South Carolina Dixie Mafia. He is in Niagara to hide out from a rival faction of the Dixie Mafia who want to kill him.

He also has a hidden agenda. He plans to smuggle a large shipment of cocaine into Niagara.

HARPER:

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Character surface: She is the vibrant and sociable wife of Milt. She is Milt’s constant companion as they enjoy the high-end shops, restaurants, and casinos of Niagara.

Character subtext: She is hiding a secret identity. She is not Milt’s wife, but is his bodyguard, and a deadly sharpshooter.

[Patrick Malone]

Lesson 2 Subtext Environments

Environment 1: Niagara-on-the-Lake: This is a quaint, picturesque town. But it is also one of the most haunted towns in the country. The old houses and forts hold the spirits of murdered victims, killers, and casualties of ancient battles.

This is what that attracts Jesse Wilson. By making a film about the hauntings he hopes to improve his finances, allow him afford to return to his girlfriend down South, and advance his filmmaking career.

Environment 2: Haunted house on Center Street: This is where the climax of the film takes place. Jesse, Milt, and Harper are fleeing from the Dixie Mafia hitmen and are forced to seek shelter in this most haunted house. Tough guy Milt is reluctant to enter, as he is terrified of ghosts and spirits. But he realizes he must enter. Jesse is more terrified of the hitmen than any evil spirits. He overcomes his fear of the gangsters and valiantly aids in defeating them. Milt faces his fear of the spirits and fights the hitmen.

[Patrick Malone]

LESSON 1 PLOT SUBTEXT

Jesse is an unemployed filmmaker working part-time as a parking valet. He desperately wants to make a film about haunted Niagara.

He meets a wealthy couple, Milt and Harper, visiting from the South. They hire him as their driver. They become friends. Jesse interests them to consider investing in his film.

Jesse is attacked by gangsters who believe he is Milt. He does research and uncovers the true identity of Milt and Harper: they are members of the Dixie Mafia.

Jesse continues working with them while not letting on he knows who they actually are.

He does confront them when he has to help them smuggle a huge shipment of cocaine to Niagara.

Milt threatens Jesse should he choose to turn them into the authorities. They offer to finance his film if he sticks with them. They can also use his help.

Jesse decides to stick with the couple, and helps them defeat the Dixie Mafia hit men who have come North to kill them.

[Patrick Malone]

test

[Patrick Malone]

That’s great, Hilton. I need to make a PDF version and will email it to you shortly.
My email is: epatrickmalone@gmail.com

[Patrick Malone]

Hello Deborah, thank you for your devotion to the dogs and cats! You’re a good soul.

[Patrick Malone]

Hi Kathryn,

Here are a couple of links to help you set up a Linkedin account.

https://www.linkedin.com/help/linkedin/answer/2964/signing-up-to-join-linkedin?lang=env

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-create-linkedin-account-step-profile-2021-muhammad-ejaz-/

Make sure you to put Screenwriter as your profession. Put information relative to screenwriting in Education and Experience.

If you need any help you can email me at epatrickmalone@gmail.com

[Patrick Malone]

Hi Pat, I like your synopsis and would like do the Producer/Writer interview with you. Let me know if you are interested. Patrick

[Patrick Malone]

Hi George, here is my feedback.

The Setup:

The setup is a summary of the 3 scenes in the writing sample. I thought, perhaps I’m mistaken, that the setup was to give background and placement of the scenes in the writing sample, not a summary of the scenes.

Did the 10 pages deliver on the genre?

Scene1: The first 3 pages are chitchat, nothing thrilling. I suggest staring the scene on page 4. There is intrigue about Youngblood and anticipation as to what Maggie and Longfellow will find out about Youngblood. I am wondering why Longfellow thinks Youngblood could be a killer.

Scene 2: Does deliver on the Thriller genre.

Good mysterious atmosphere. Tension and anticipation as Longfellow spies on Youngblood and then confronts him. There is a hind of possible violence.

Scene 3: Does not deliver on the Thriller genre.

The scene gives some idea of the relationship of Longfellow and butler Alfred. But I don’t see any Thriller elements.

I suggest skipping this scene and adding another that is thrilling from somewhere in your script.

Overall, the writing and dialogue are good.

[Patrick Malone]

Hi George, would you be interested in exchanging writing examples? I just uploaded my Thriller example. Patrick

[Patrick Malone]

Hi George,

That’s great, let’s exchange feedback on our writing examples.

I really enjoyed the London Film School, and living in England was exciting.

I’ll work on your writing example today.

Thanks!

[Patrick Malone]

PROFOUND SCREENWRITING LESSON 9 ASSIGNMENT 2

PATRICK MALONE Old Ways Challenge Chart

What I learned was to find challenges to Dennis’s old ways. I have just a few, but will discover more as I develop the story.

OLD WAYS:

Dennis denies his Comanche heritage/culture

CHALLENGES:

– When student asks him about a Comanche ceremony Dennis has no knowledge about it.

– The school is developing an Indian Studies class and ask Dennis to consider teaching it. He declines.

– When searching for Melissa and Brian in the ghost town, Mike challenges Dennis to use his Indian tracking skills. He has no such skills.

– Jennifer challenges Dennis to recall the Comanche legend concerning the Star Man. He either can’t or won’t.

– Dennis is afraid to enter the mine to confront Star Man. When he finds Brian dead and two teens are killed. Dennis is challenged to enter the mine and hopefully save his friends.

– several times Jennifer challenges Dennis to enter a trance and summon his Indian spirit. He refuses, but eventually does.

– At the end he is again challenged to accept teaching the Indian Studies course. He accepts.

[Patrick Malone]

Thank you Andrea for your notes. I felt good about accomplishing this assignment. I like your idea of having Trent and Robert join to bring down Lindsey. That’s another way this could have gone.

You did a great job on your script and I like the changes you made to make it even better. You covered their characteristics and several of the Interest Points. I tired to copy the notes I added on your script here, but it wouldn’t copy.

Patrick