[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Outline (no. 1)

What I learned from this assignment is that it forces me to move forward even if there are still big gaps in my structure. Thank heavens for Placeholders!

Although it is incomplete, I am posting this Assignment now because I am so far behind the class schedule.

1. Overview

Title: Home at Last
Genre: Drama
Logline: Stopped by a phone call while she is about to commit suicide, a young woman discovers her past and her future while visiting a house for sale, unaware that the real-estate agent showing her around the house is her dead mother.

[The character names Jill and Jack are provisional.]

2. Outline

ACT ONE

1. INT. APARTMENT. DAY.
JILL, late 20s, single, is fixing a noose around her neck. As she goes to step onto a chair, her cell phone rings. Unable to reach the phone, she removes the noose. A V.O. informs her she has inherited a house. There is a potential buyer, but they need her consent. She agrees to meet the Real-Estate Agent at the house for sale. Puts down the phone. Looks at the hanging noose. Snorts a line of coke. FADE OUT.

2. INT. JILL’S CAR. NEXT DAY.
Jill is driving to the meeting with the Real-Estate Agent at the house she has inherited. It is in a remote location. Struggles to find it. Finally reaches it.

3. EXT. HOUSE FOR SALE. SAME.
Jill parks outside the 2-storey, old-style house. There are no other cars. Looks at her watch. She is right on time. Gets out of car. Looks around the property. Time goes by. No Real-Estate Agent. She stands there, getting impatient.

4. INT. HOUSE FOR SALE. SAME.

The REAL-ESTATE AGENT is observing Jill from inside the house.

5. EXT. HOUSE FOR SALE. SAME.
Jill is dialling the Real-Estate Agent’s number of her cell-phone when, suddenly, the Real-Estate Agent is standing next to her.
Surprised and bewildered at her sudden appearance, Jill asks how she got there, since there is no other car parked on the drive. Real-Estate Agent avoids the question. They go inside.

6. INT. HOUSE. SAME.
The Agent shows Jill into the house. Jill asks for explanations about the inheritance. Agent explains. It belonged to her family for 3 generations. She is the last remaining heir. It is valued at $2 million. Jill could do with the money.

7. INT. KITCHEN. SAME.
The place looks well-stocked for an empty house. The Agent prepares some coffee for Jill. She gives Jill piercing looks. Jill uncomfortable. Says things like, “I called you at a bad time, right?” that suggest she knows things about Jill that Jill would prefer to keep unknown.

8. INT. MAIN BEDROOM. SAME.
They finish their coffee and begin to look around the house. Before entering the main bedroom, Jill suddenly halts. She feels like an electro-magnetic force keeping her out of the room. The Agent insists she go inside. Agent admits she also feel something strange in that room. “What could it be?”; she says, in a tone suggesting she knows the answer.

PLACE-HOLDER: the conflict between Agent and Jill grows as the former shows how much she knows about Jill.

9. TURNING POINT
The doorbell rings. Agent explains it will be one of the potential buyers. She shows him in. Marianne is shocked to discover it is Jack, her drug-pusher.

ACT TWO

10. INT. HOUSE. SAME.
Embarrassed encounter between Jack and Marianne. Agent observes their interaction. Hides the fact that she knows them both as well as they know themselves.

11. INT.HOUSE. SAME.

MIDPOINT TURNING POINT
Jill decides the Agent knows far too much about her. She wants out.

12. EXT. HOUSE. SAME.
Jill runs from the house to her car as the Agent and Jack observe from the doorstep. But her car want start. Mechanical fault.
Jack offers to drive Jill away in his car. His car won’t start either.
They are both trapped at the house.

ACT THREE

PLACEHOLDER
Agent works on both Jill and Jack to gradually show them the error of their ways and bring about a transformed life-view in both of them.

13. INT. HOUSE. SAME.
Jack recounts that he lived nearby as a child. He knows that a neighbor died giving birth in the house. He used to play with the woman’s daughter. Knows that her father used to treat her badly because saw her as the cause of his wife’s death. The young girl (Jill) always unhappy. As a boy, he tried to make her happy.

PLACEHOLDER
Turning Point: Female and Male Client discover they are falling love.

ACT FOUR

14. INT. HOUSE. SAME.

CLIMAX
Jill shouts in anger at Real-Estate Agent for meddling in her affairs and wanting to change, but Agent says it’s normal – any mother would do the same. Jill is thunderstruck.

PLACEHOLDER

RESOLUTION
Jack decides he will buy the house. Jill says there is no need to buy it. She will live there with him.
Real Estate Agent disappears.

15. EXT. HOUSE. SAME.

CLOSING SCENE
Another Real-Estate Agent (2) turns up with a potential buyer.
Jill explains the house is no longer on the market.
Shows Real-Estate Agent 2 the papers she was given by her dead mother. Agent accepts their validity.
Real-Estate Agent 2 leaves, apologizing to his client for wasting her time.
Jill and Jack go hand-in-hand back inside the house.

END

• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Budget.

4. What I learned doing this assignment was more than I budgeted for! I had no idea about all the costs related to music rights, child actors, horses etc. But being aware of that is extremely useful and I will bear them in mind in writing future scripts. Maybe the best way to reduce budget is not to film in the USA, with all its labor union rules and insurance regulations!

1. Decrease the budget:

I do not see many opportunities to reduce budget since there are only 3 locations – Jill’s apartment; Jill’s car as she drives to the House for Sale and the House for Sale itself. There are also just 3 characters.

• Replace gun with a hanging rope in Jill’s attempted suicide scene.
• Replace Jill driving car towards the House for Sale, with her getting out of parked car at the house.
• Replace the two cars in the scene of Jill’s attempted escape and have cars disappear instead.

2. Increase the budget:
Have a gun for the suicide scene. Keep the cars.
Have more special effects to demonstrate the Agent’s miraculous powers.
Introduce musical effects to highlight the Agent’s mysterious being.
Add flashback scenes showing Jill and Jack playing as children in the garden of the House for Sale.

END

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul writes great hope/fear!

4. What I learned doing this assignment was that Hal’s words about making sure our scenes are not just an EVENT but rather an EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE provide an excellent paradigm to be observed as I write. They express so well what we should be trying to achieve. Those words provide a lens through which to look at each of my acts while still at the planning stage.

I do not yet have the 5 or more moments for each act, but am submitting this assignment now and will continue to develop them.

2. 5 or more Hope/Fear moments in each Act.

Act 1:
1. FEAR: Jill depressed. We see her drugs. She’s on the verge of committing suicide.
HOPE: She is stopped by a call on her cell phone. For an instant it distracts her, but that is enough to save her life. The woman at the other end invites her to visit a House for Sale. Arranges time.
2. HOPE: Arrives at house, on time.
FEAR: Nobody there. No car. No-one answers. Been "stood up" again?
3. HOPE: We see Real-Estate Agent is inside house looking out at Jill as she waits outside.
FEAR: Meeting Real-Estate Agent, Jill finds something unsettling in her behavior.
4. HOPE: Jill initially finds the house attractive.
FEAR: On entering the bedroom, she feels an inexplicable chill. Wants to get out!
5. Turning point: HOPE: Jack, another potential buyer, turns up.
FEAR: Turns out, Jack is Jill’s drug-dealer.

ACT 2
1. HOPE: Jack talks positively about the house and location. Lived nearby as a boy.
FEAR: Tells how neighbor’s wife died in childbirth in the house.
2. FEAR: As they visit the house, Jill is seized by a panic attack in the bedroom.
HOPE: Jack provides comfort and her panic subsides.
3. FEAR: Agent says she also does not like the bedroom. (She continues to conceal that it was where she died giving birth to Jill).
HOPE: Agent speaks caringly to Jill, with advice on how to dominate her anxiety.
4. FEAR: Jill reacts badly. Doesn’t want other people telling her what to do. Decides to leave.
FEAR: Jill;s car won’t start. She can’t escape.
HOPE: Jack tells her he’ll take her out in his car.
5. FEAR: Jack’s car won’t start either. They are both stuck there.

Act 3
[To be completed.]

Act 4
1. FEAR: The Agent disappears. It was all a fraud.
HOPE: A real Real-Estate Agent drives up. He can finalize the sale.

END

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s 4-Act Structure

4. What I learned from this assignment is that this approach really helped me get my ideas together about the script. Working to this 4-act structure made me think about the story development, helping me to fill gaps. Gaps still remain, but this is a good start that I can build upon.

1. Concept: She just came to check out a House for Sale, but the Real-Estate Agent isn’t selling just a house, but a whole new universe.
Main Conflict: Between Real Estate Agent and Jill. The Real Estate Agent doesn’t just want Jill to buy the house, she wants her to change her life and start anew. Jill is not buying it.

2.
Act 1:
• Opening: Protagonist Jill turns up to visit a house for sale. Meets the Real Estate Agent.
• Inciting Incident: Despite Jill’s hesitancy, when hearing the price, the Real Estate Agent insists on her staying around to visit the house. Won’t take a No!
• Turning Point: Jack, another potential buyer, turns up to look at the same house. He and Jill recognize each other. He supplies her drugs.

Act 2:
• New plan: Jack convinces Jill to stay around for the house visit.
• Plan in action: As the house visit continues, Jill feels more and more ill-at-ease. Real-Estate Agent too inquisitive about her private life. Asking embarrassing questions. Jill feels uneasy in the house, particularly in the bedroom. Wants to leave.
• Midpoint Turning Point: Jill and Jack get an alarm call on their phones. The only road leading up to this house in the mountains has been closed for traffic due to a major accident. They can’t return to town. The three are stuck in the house together.

Act 3:
• Rethink everything: Jill very unhappy. Jack accepts the changed circumstances. Real-Estate Agent seems to have been prepared. Serves up food and drink. They chat. We learn more about Jill and Jack.
• New plan: As they chat we discover Jill’s sad life. Jack used to live in the house next door. Talks of tragedy when neighbor’s wife died giving birth in that very house. But the child survived.
• Turning Point: Female and Male Client discover they are falling love.

Act 4:
• Final plan: Real-Estate Agent steps up her campaign to get Jill to change her life and drop the drugs. Does the same to Jack.
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Jill shouts in anger at Real-Estate Agent for meddling in her affairs and wanting to change, but Agent says it’s normal – any mother would do the same. Jill is thunderstruck.
• Resolution: Jack decides he will buy the house. Wants to settle down with Jill. Real Estate Agent disappears.

END

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Delivering Multiple Layers!

5. What I learned from this assignment is that it turbo-charged my plot. Thinking about layers led me to a breakthrough in terms of my characters and the change bears some similarities with Sixth Sense. Now, one of my characters is actually dead and has come back to save her daughter, who has no idea who this woman really is.

4. Chosen layers
A. Characters:
i. Real-estate Agent
Surface: a real-estate agent showing two clients around a House for Sale.
Beneath that: She died giving birth to the Female Client. The Female Client was told a lie about how her mother died. Not till the end does she have any inclination as to the true identity of the woman trying to sell her the house.
How revealed: the true identity is only revealed at the end of the movie, when all the evidence shows that the Real-Estate Agent was a visitor from beyond the grave.

ii. Female Client
Surface Layer: An attractive, respectable-looking but somewhat washed-out woman in her early thirties.
Beneath that: has been suffering depression for years and tried to commit suicide. Does not understand her own mental states. Occasional consumer of drugs to lighten the load.
How revealed: When the Male Client turns up at the house, they recognize each other as supplier and customer.

iii. Male Client
Surface Layer: Moderately successful businessman.
Beneath that: His most successful business are the drugs he sells. Buying the house would be part of his money-laundering.
How revealed: When he meets the Female Client and they recognize each other.

B. Plot
Surface Layer: The two clients received invitations to visit the House for Sale. They each go along with different motives. We see the Real-Estate Agent selling the qualities of the house while the two Clients interact with each other and with the Agent.
Beneath That: the Real-Estate Agent died giving birth to the Female Client in that very house. She has come back from the dead to try to save her daughter at a critical time in her life. She also seeks to save the Male Client so that he drops the drug-trafficking and settles down and marries her daughter.
How revealed: The reveals emerge at different moments throughout the movie. Sometimes just hinted at; only at the end, when the Real Estate Agent is no longer around, do we see actual evidence.

C. Location
Surface Layer: It is just a House for Sale, and a possible place to live for the Female Client and an investment possibility for the Male Client.
Beneath that: It is the house in which the Female Client was born and lived till she was 5 years old. The Male Client lived in the house next door. It is in one of the bedrooms that the Real-Estate Agent gave birth to the Female Client and died.
How Revealed: throughout the movie there are some strange coincidences that suggest that there is more to the house than meets the eye. Strange, supernatural happenings occur, particularly in the bedroom.

END

• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Character Journeys

2. What I learned from doing this assignment (and from watching 10 Cloverfield Lane) is the importance of keeping the tension up throughout the movie, particularly through the use of twists. What I did have difficulty with was having separate Turning Point, Midpoint, Turning Point etc for each character. It was easier to make the Beginning and Dilemma different for each character, but the other points seem to be the same for all 3 characters.

1. Character’s journey in 3 acts:

Real-estate agent:
Beginning: Discovers one client looking for a house is her former lover from ten years ago. Using a false name, she sets up a house visit. She wants revenge for the way he ruined her life.
Turning point: She reveals her true identity as client's former lover.
Midpoint: Threatens to kill him.
Turning Point 2: Client's wife turns up.
Dilemma: She can't kill her former lover and not kill wife. But the wife is pregnant.
3rd Act Climax: Reveals to wife her husband's true past, including drugs.
Ending: All three drive away, each in their own car.

House-buyer:
Beginning: Receives details of house for sale and agrees with wife to visit it. He will go first and wife will join later.
Turning point: Is attracted to the real-estate agent, but then shocked at discovering her true identity.
Midpoint: Faces threat of being killed.
Turning Point 2: Wife is calling to join him for the house visit.
Dilemma: He wants his wife to stay away but cannot tell her why, first because he was hoping to have sex with the agent, and now because his wife's life could be threatened along with his.
3rd Act Climax: His wife reveals that she is pregnant.
Ending: They all drive away.

House-Buyer’s Wife:
Beginning: Keen to see the house for sale, but has commitments so will turn up later.
Turning point: Husband not answering phone to confirm she can join for the visit. Starts to worry.
Midpoint: Arrives at the house and finds husband and agent.
Turning Point 2: Discovers what is at stake – both of them could be murdered.
Dilemma: Reveal her pregnancy or not.
3rd Act Climax: Reveals she is pregnant and that means the real-estate agent agrees to allow them both to go.
Ending: They all leave the house and drive away.

END

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Character Depth

4. What I learned from this assignment was that I was in a dilemma. I discovered that I had not developed my story enough before concentrating on putting it in a contained setting. Maybe, if you become obsessed with the requirements of a contained movie, you don’t develop your story fully and you have to start with story first. I am still not sure.

2. My movie has 3 characters: a. REAL ESTATE AGENT (female) – b. CLIENT – c. CLIENT’S GIRLFRIEND

a. Real Estate Agent – ten years before, she had a one-night stand with the Client. She became pregnant. He forced her to have an abortion before disappearing from the scene.

Motivation: Personal revenge against the Client.
Secret: She is the Client’s former lover.
Wound: The loss of her lover and her baby.
Sub-text: The abortion made her go almost totally mad.
Conflict: Hatred for the Client and what he put her through.
Hidden agenda: Use the House for Sale as a trap.
Conspiracy: The house is actually planned for demolition which would hide any trace of a crime.
Intrigue: She pretends to be selling the house, but it is just a trap.
Dilemma: She was not expecting the Client to bring his Girlfriend. What should she do with her? She can't leave any witnesses.
Secret Identify: She is not a Real Estate Agent.

b. Client: Since his girlfriend has been insisting they get married and settle down, he has answered an ad that was put through his letterbox and taken her to visit a House for Sale. He has totally forgotten the one-night stand from 10 years ago.

Motivation: He just wants to keep his girlfriend happy and "go with the flow".
Secret: Is immediately attracted to the Real Estate Agent.
Sub-text: He is not really committed to his current girlfriend, nor to the idea of buying the house.
Layers: He is now a successful salesman, but, in the past, he was a drug addict and vendor.

c. Client’s Girlfriend:

Motivation: Settle down and have children.
Secret: She sees the house and the mortgage as ways of "anchoring" her boyfriend to their relationship.
Wound: She has been rejected by boyfriends in the past, so remains suspicious of all men, including the Client.
Conflict: She sees the Real Estate Agent as a potential rival.
Dilemma: When her boyfriend’s hidden past is revealed to her by the Real Estate Agent, what is she to do?

END

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul's Right Characters!

5. What I learned from doing this assignment is that it forced me to re-examine my High Concept and even consider changing it. But I have decided to stick with it, and mold the characters to meet that Concept. I think doing this exercise (even if not fully successfully) does inch the script forward and will improve the final product.

2. Fitting characters with the Hook:

Real-estate agent: Elegant, well-spoken, fits the role of real-estate agent, but is that her real job? Also, physically tough. Able to beat the Man to submission. Cold. Determined. On a mission for revenge.

Husband: Self-absorbed, leading him to be unaware of real dangers. Slow to wake up to threats. Hiding a past.

Wife: Also hiding a past which, once revealed, puts her in deadly conflict with her husband.

At most, only one of them can come out of this alive.

END

• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Great Hook!

6. a. How did this process work for you? I am not finding this at all easy. Having a contained setting seems to increase exponentially the demands for intrigue, improved dialogue (although I know we are not there yet) and sub-text.
b. What did I learn doing this assignment? It made me think about the non-contained scripts I have already written and I see how weak they are in terms of sub-text and intrigue. It makes me think that if I can “meet the grade” with a contained movie, it will impact positively anything else I write in the future.

1.
A. Setting: inside a House for Sale.
B. Unique device: a real-estate agent shows a couple around a house they are interested in buying, but in each room they are shown something each one has been trying to hide from their past.
C. Unique villain: well-dressed and charming real-estate agent.
D. Mystery: is this house the ante-chamber to Hell? Is there no redemption from past sins? What is the real-estate agent’s goal?
E. Impossible goal: Escaping the house without losing almost everything.
F. Unique layers: the couple finds out things about each other they had not known, and the real-estate agent has the “dirt”; on them from unknown sources.

2. What we have not seen before is the male character emerging as the least evil amongst the characters and a female character who is the equivalent of the Devil.

END

• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul McGregor

3. What I learned is:
– it was not an easy assignment. Not all movies are candidates for a contained version. I was trying hard to see The Interpreter (2005) as a contained movie, but finally decided I could not get the same result using contained movie conventions.

– thinking in contained movie terms is a challenging exercise, but the constraints it introduces can make for a very interesting movie.

– I wonder whether modern technology makes it easier to come up with a contained movie since now, more than in the past, our characters can do so much without leaving the place where they find themselves.

Part 1. Selected Project

C. The UN wanted to fire him for his activities outside of office hours, but when the HQ is infiltrated by terrorists it is Joe the janitor who uses his skills learnt outside the office to ensure the terrorists are eliminated and peace is restored.

Part 2. Bigger movie as contained project.
Title: Seven (1995)
As they did it:

a. Locations: Over a dozen locations throughout Los Angeles plus the famous closing scene outside the city.
b. People: Cast of 65.
c. Stunts: Dead bodies in different, horrific conditions. Brad Pitt chasing killer in the rain.
d. Extras: Beside the cast, numerous passers-by in the street scenes.
e. Wardrobe: Police uniforms in large numbers.

Contained version.

The two detectives have been confined to their office for searching an apartment without a warrant. But they use contacts within Police HQ to continue their investigation.

a. Locations: Police HQ with the 2 detectives receiving info on crimes from the field. They only leave the office in the final scene.
b. People: cast of less than 12.
c. Stunts: Closing stunt in which the two detectives leave the office and track down the killer.
d. Extras: amongst the cast of 12.
e. Wardrobe: few police uniforms.

END

• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  Paul McGregor. Reason: Page set-out

[Paul McGregor]

I, Paul McGregor, agree to the terms of the Confidentiality Agreement.
13 Jan 2025

[Paul McGregor]

Hello everyone, I'm behind schedule joining this class.
My name is Paul McGregor. I have written 6 scripts. No sales, so far.
In this class I want to continue working on my screenwriting skills while working within the parameters of the contained movie.
I was an Interpreter at the UN in New York and interpreted for many presidents and two Popes, and might use that experience for my contained movie.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by  Paul McGregor. Reason: I forgot question 3

[Paul McGregor]

Congratulations, Rebecca, on having an optioned script and on your success if the Faith in Film International Festival. I just have one question: the title is Many Wives, but your script seems to concentrate on Sherwood’s first wife, Cornelia Lane. Does the script do justice to the title?
Good luck with this course and all your writing.
Paul

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Query Letter – Draft ONE
4. What I learned from this assignment is that I have to be open to critical feedback and use it to improve the Query Letter.
Title: FRANK
Genre: Drama
Opening Hook:
If someone tried to destroy your family, wouldn’t you want to make sawdust of them?
Synopsis:
Frank is retiring after decades as a logger and looking forward to time with his grand-children. But when he discovers his son-in-law is doing drugs, his world begins to crumble. Faced with bankers and lawyers trying to foreclose his daughter’s house, and debt-collecting drug-dealers threatening to end her life, Frank has to learn new skills fast. He uses those skills to defeat the lawyers and bankers, but turns to his old logging skills to deal with the son-in-law.
Request: If you like the concept, I would be happy to send you the script.
Bio: This script is inspired by a true story in my family.
Contact info: email / phone / address
END

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Target Market
3. What I learned from this assignment is that IMDB is an excellent tool for identifying similar movies and their producers. I also have to learn the difference between different types of producer. But I recall Hal saying not to go to Line Producers, so I eliminated them from my list.
4. Title: FRANK
Genre: Drama
Logline: Frank is looking forward to retirement after decades in the logging business, but when he discovers his junkie son-in-law could destroy his family, he has to learn new skills to fight off the bankers and lawyers, before resorting to his old logging skills to deal with the son-on-law.
Top 5 actors: Liam Neeson; Rick Hoffman; Nicholas Cage; Kurt Russell; Mel Gibson.(In my dreams!)
2. Producers: (Just 33)
Memento (2000)
Christopher Ball
Elaine Dysinger
Aaron Ryder
Emma Thomas
Jennifer Todd
Suzanne Todd
William Tyrer

Taken (2007)
Luc Besson
Didier Hoarau
Michael Mandaville

Man on Fire (2004)
Don Ferrarone
Lucas Foster
Conrad Hool
Lance Hool
Kimberly Jacobs-Toeg
Arnon Milchan
Tony Scott
James W. Skotchdopole
Peter Toumasis

Dead Man's Shoes (2004)
Steve Beckett
Peter Carlton
Will Clarke
Mark Herbert
Louise Meadows
Tessa Ross

Law Abiding Citizen (2009)
Gerard Butler Lucas Foster
Dave Gare Mark Gill
Gregory Veeser Robert Katz
Neil Sacker Alan Seigel
END

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Phone Pitch
4. What I learned from this assignment is that I will have to pick up the phone and do what I hesitate greatly to do, but with these tools, maybe I can be less intimidated by the challenge.
1. Strategy: I would start with High Concept.
2. “Hello. My name’s P.M. May I run a quick pitch past you? Thank you. This is a drama. The title is FRANK. If someone threatened to destroy your family, wouldn’t you want to see them pushing up daisies?”
3. Budget range: Low, $1-5 million.
Who do you see in main roles: Liam Neeson often plays the underdog who fights back and wreaks vengeance. I would like to see someone like him in the lead role.
How many pages: 105 pages.
Who else has seen this? You are the first producer I have contacted.
Why do you think it fits our company? I have looked at imdb.pro and your company has produced movies with similar story lines.
How does the movie end?: “The protagonist, a retired Canadian logger, has to learn new skills to go after the lawyers and bankers who are threatening his family, but when he goes after the junky son-in-law, who is also threatening to destroy his family, he uses his years’ long skills as a logger. First, he introduces the junky to a huge wood-chipper machine and later he delivers a bag of sawdust to the junky’s parents, for use on their manicured garden.
If you like what you have heard, I would be very glad to send you the script.”

END

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Pitch Fest Pitch
5. What I learned from this assignment was that, as I tried to formulate my hook, I came up with new ideas that change the story.
1. Credibility: I am a published author of fiction and non-fiction.
2. Genre/title: My script is a drama. The title is FRANK.
3. Hook: If someone threatened to destroy your family, wouldn’t you want to have them pushing up daisies?
4. Budget: Low budget, up to $5 million.
Actors: I’d love to see Liam Neeson in this ‘the underdog gets vengeance’ role.
Acts of the story:
i. Frank is retiring after 40 years of logging in Canada. He's looking forward to spending time with his grand-daughters. Discovers his son-in-law is a secret junkie.
ii. A foreclosure notice is placed on his daughters house as his son-in-law disappears.
iii. Frank and his daughter have to fight banker and lawyers. Frank learns new skills and defeats them. Then the drug dealers turn up to collect the junky's debts. His daughter's life is threatened.
iv. The junky returns, seeking pardon. Frank neither forgets nor forgives. He uses his old, logging skills to deal with his enemy son-in-law and his suppliers.
The end: Frank delivers a bag of sawdust to his son-in-law’s parents to help protect their manicured garden this winter.
Credibility: I have been a finalist in an international screenwriting competition.
END
i

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul's Query Letter.
5. What I learned from this assignment is how critical that opening hook is and how much work I have to do to find it. But I am left with a question: do we include Title and Genre?
2. Opening Hook: If someone tried to destroy your family, wouldn't you want to make sawdust of them?
3. Synopsis:
Frank is retiring from his job as a logger and looking forward to time with his grand-children. But when he discovers his son-in-law is doing drugs, his world begins to crumble. Faced with bankers and lawyers trying to foreclose his daughter's house, and debt-collecting drug-dealers threatening her life, Frank has to learn new skills fast. He uses those skills to defeat the lawyers and bankers, and turns to his old logging skills to deal with the son-in-law.
Request: If you like the concept, I'd be happy to send you the script.
Bio: This script is inspired by a true story in my family.
Contact info: email / phone / address
END

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul's High Concept & Elevator Pitch

5. What I learned from this assignment was how useful it was to have the Dilemma/Main Conflict/What's at stake?/Goal-Unique Opposition prompts. They really did help to get to the core. But it can still be tough to get it down to one sentence.
1. Most unique: What is most unique about the lead character is how this uneducated man took on the bankers and lawyers and won and how he fought like a bear to defend his family against a junkie son-in-law.
2. High Concept: Lawyers, bankers and a junkie son-in-law are out to destroy his family, but he shows it's a very bad idea to get between a bear and its cubs.
Elevator Pitch: Frank is retiring from his job as a logger and looking forward to time with his grand-children. But when he discovers his son-in-law is doing drugs, his world begins to crumble. Faced with bankers and lawyers trying to foreclose his daughter's house, and debt-collecting drug-dealers threatening her life, Frank has to learn new skills fast. He uses those skills to defeat the lawyers and bankers, and then turns to old logging skills to deal with the son-in-law.

END

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Paul McGregor.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Paul McGregor.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul's Synopsis Hooks.
5. What I learned from this assignment is that, when I concentrated on finding hooks, it led me to change aspects of my story. The assignment taught me that Hal is right when he says, "Create from your hook; then fill in story." It makes for a more compelling story.
6. First draft of synopsis:
Remember! Never get between a bear and its cubs!
Frank, a hard-working, no-nonsense Canadian logger, is looking forward to retirement and spending time with his grand-daughters.
But he's hardly out of his boots and overalls when he discovers his son-in-law Jim's drug habit. His daughter, Monica, refuses to admit the truth until the letter from the bank arrives with the notice of foreclosure on the family home. Apparently, drugs don't come cheap and Jim has taken out a second-mortgage, forging his wife's signature. The notice of foreclosure coincides with Jim's sudden disappearance.
Frank, the man without a high school diploma, takes on the banks and the lawyers. And wins.
But then another enemy turns up. Jim's drug dealers demanding payment. Monica could now lose not just her house, but her life.
What they don't know is that Frank's favorite motto is "attack is the best form of defense."
Frank gets back together with his logging mates and Jim and his suppliers are about to be introduced to the massive wood-chipper out in the forest. But then Frank reckons Jim's parents will appreciate some sawdust to protect their manicured garden during the harsh Canadian winter.
You see? That's what happens when you get between a bear and its cubs!
END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul's 10 Most Interesting Things
4. What I learned from this assignment is how vital it is to cover all these bases. The question about the opening scene led me to swap scenes around so that the opening scene has a better hook.
1. A. What is most unique about your villain and hero? Frank, the hero with no high school diploma, takes the bankers and the lawyers to the cleaners.
The villain, a brave wimp, is a family man with a drug habit ready to betray his family to get his next fix.
B. Major hook of your opening scene? After an evening with the family, Frank's son-in-law forgets his cigarettes and Frank discovers he's doing cocaine, not tobacco.
C. Any turning points? Frank's daughter, Monica, finds the letter from the bank announcing foreclosure on the family home.
The villain turns up in Truth and Consequences, New Mexico and makes a desperate plea to be allowed back home
After the family dog is killed, Frank adopts the attack is the best form of defense strategy and plans his son-in-law's gruesome murder.
D. Emotional dilemma? Monica has to come to terms with the truth about her husband and accept that she has to choose between his survival or that of herself and her two daughters.
E. Major twists? work in progress
F. Reversals? work in progress
G. Character betrayals? work in progress
H. Or any big surprises? The villain gets thrown into a massive wood-chipper and Frank gives a bag of the sawdust to the villain's parents for use in their immaculate garden.
END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Producer/Manager
3. What I learned today is that I need to look at getting a Manager. I was not familiar with their role, but now I am fascinated by what a Manager could offer in developing my writing career.
1: To a Producer: I would briefly mention that I am a published writer and then move directly to Title, Genre, and Concept. I would then let the producer take the lead and answer all questions in a positive manner.
2: To a Manager: I would go into more detail about my published writings, give some background on my screenwriting including references to http://www.screenwritingu.com classes. I would go over my latest script with title, genre and concept followed by the logline, if there was a show of interest.
END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Marketable Components

4. What I learned from this assignment is that my script has only a very tenuous claim to any marketing components. I still have work to do to emphasize them.

1. Current logline:
After retiring from his job as a welder in the shipyards, Frank is looking forward to peaceful retirement, spending time with his daughter, Monica, and her children. It's not going to happen. Monica brings him the news that her husband, Jimmy, has disappeared, leaving her with a delinquent second mortgage on the family home, that he obtained by forging her signature. Frank and Monica team up to take on the bankers and lawyers. Frank has to quickly tool-up with new skills to talk and walk like the bankers, lawyers and bureaucrats. Frank and Monica gain a first win. But then Jimmy's drug-supplier turns up to demand payment. Now Monica doesn't just risk losing her house; she risks losing her life. Luckily her dad believes attack is the best form of defense, and Jimmy is about to find himself between a very angry father bear and his cubs.

2. Components of marketability.
C. True: the story is inspired by real events involving the writer's family.
G. Wide audience appeal: the scripts has elements of important elements of family life, making it attractive to parents as well as teenage children. It is about a family fighting back against a corrupt system, and just vengeance is a popular theme.
And maybe:
J. Great role for a bankable actor. It is very much a Liam Neeson type of movie, with the hunted becoming the hunter.

3. Improved pitch: my current pitch doesn't emphasize the "family under attack" motif that could attract a wider audience. I could also emphasize Frank's vengeful character to attract a Liam Neeson type actor.

END

• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

I, Paul McGregor, agree to the terms of this Release Form:

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Project & Market
1. Genre: DRAMA (inspired by real events).
Title: FRANK
Concept:
When his drug-addicted son-in-law sets out to destroy his family, Frank fights back, proving it’s always best not to get between a bear and its cubs.
2. Most attractive about the story: It is the tale of an ordinary Joe against a bad guy and the system, and he comes out the winner.
3. Target: Producers. (But I want to learn how I can get a manager).
4. What I learned today is that having listened to Hal and read the requirements for a good pitch I still have to work on mine. I know it does not do the job in its current form.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul McGregor
I’ve written 5 screenplays.
Marketing is not my strong point, so I have a lot to learn from this class.
An Irishman in Mexico.

[Paul McGregor]

I am Paul McGregor
I have written 5 scripts
Marketing is my weak point. I have a lot to learn from this class.
An Irishman in Mexico.

[Paul McGregor]

Week 4, Day 1. My Cousin Vinny

What I learned is that I have situations in which my Protagonist is challenged, but the test is not really strong enough. I have to put her more to the test. That is a valuable insight. If I can heighten the challenge it will make for a more dramatic and interesting script.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment Week 4 – Day 1. My Cousin Vinny

What makes this character (Miss Vito) great from a writing perspective is how the writer holds off the result of her “test” to the very end of the scene.

In all the run-up, we see her under attack from the prosecutor and the judge is not on her side either. The prosecutor doesn’t take her seriously as an expert on cars, and nor can we. The way she is dressed, her make-up and hair-style do not, to say the least, suggest a car mechanic.

So, we might be plugging for her, but when the Prosecutor comes out with the question about the 1955 Belair Chevrolet, we fear for her future as a witness.

Then there are those tantalizing moments when she says, “That’s a bulls–t question” and “It’s a trick question.” Those responses suggest she is just trying to put off the inevitable.

It is only the judge’s question, “Why is that a trick question?” that she is given the prompt to demolish the prosecutor.

But she does have support in the room, and when her attorney says, “Watch this.” we suspect that maybe she has a trick up her sleeve.

She completely turns the table on the prosecutor in a brilliant way and forces the judge to totally change his attitude towards her. It is great writing.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment Week 3 – Day 5 – RUDY

What makes this character great from a writing perspective is that the hero is also the underdog to the very end. His height is against him, his coach is against him. But the writer, in the run-up to this ending, has earned our support for him. He has the audience plugging for Rudy just as much as the thousands of spectators who are shouting his name.

At the same time, the writer keeps us in suspense. Will Rudy get onto the pitch or not? When he finally does run on, even Ruby doesn’t know what to do (we see him pleading for instructions from the guys on the touch-line) and then that other player taps him on his helmet, emphasizing his underdog status.

The insight for me came from Hal’s list of requirements for a character ending. He says the heroine, “wins in her unique way.” In my current draft, my heroine is shot dead by a corrupt DEA agent. Maybe, by re-thinking that ending so that she lives on, I will obtain a breakthrough in my script.

Hal also says “the Antagonist doesn’t just die, he dies a horrific death.” Again, my current draft has the Antagonist survive. Re-thinking my Antagonist’s ending could lead to another breakthrough. (Plus I’d love to see him die!!)

END

[Paul McGregor]

Week 3 / Day 4 Character Climax (The Matrix)

What makes this character great from a writing perspective is how total is his betrayal of his erstwhile friends. It is great the way the writer brings out elements of the character that were there all along, but only now burst to the surface at this climax moment.

It is similar in some ways to my climax scene. My Protagonist has to decide whether or not to kill two other characters. Again, Hal’s guidelines help a lot. This has to be the ultimate expression of their conflict, a test of their character and a yes/no moment in their journey.

I am re-writing that climax scene keeping those points in mind, and I am sure it will make it more interesting.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment Week 3 – Day 3

What makes this character great from a writing perspective is, I’m afraid to say, not much. Taking this as a stand-alone scene, the character is a total victim, not a protagonist. (Of course, that is not to say it isn’t a gripping scene.)

However, it did provide a breakthrough. Neo’s change is radical and visible. I will scale-up my Protagonist’s Turning Point to reach a similar extreme and make my Protagonist’s Turning Point as radical as Neo’s experience.

What this scene does is provide a metaphor for how my Protagonist must change: totally! On the news of her daughter’s death, she goes from being a protective mum, absorbed in getting her daughter out of poverty in Mexico, to being a vengeful warrior, who will not rest until the privileged son of a US Senator (and hawk in the drug war), pays the price for killing her daughter with cocaine.

I will re-write those scenes so that her transformation is more radical, and so that we see her change physically as well as emotionally.

I will make the new Turning Point as frightening for her as for the other unfortunates she encounters.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment Week 3 – Day 2 – The Godfather

What makes this character great from a writing perspective is how much of his personality is communicated without words.

Indeed, keeping his mouth shut, as the other character rattles on, is one of his fundamental characteristics. He knows how to listen. He knows how to keep his mouth shut. So, the writer has to communicate his personality non-verbally too. He is a man who does not show all his cards. He sits stroking a cat, as though he would not even hurt a cat, yet we know he’s boss of a killing machine.

The breakthrough I had with this assignment was thanks to Hal’s check-list of things we should include when we introduce a character. I will use that as I review all my character options. It’s a great formula for making the audience want to stay in that person’s company for the next 100 minutes.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment Week 3 – Day 1

What makes these characters great from a writing perspective is how we see them going into a future that neither wants (at least at the beginning.)

Andrew’s Journey:

Introduction: Alarm clock goes off and he’s late for work.

Act 1 Turning Point: His boss, Margaret, tells the big boss that she and Andrew are going to get married. News to him!

Midpoint: If he doesn’t agree to the Proposal, he’s going to lose his job.

Act 2 Turning Point: His family takes the wedding for granted – it’s going to happen.

Climax: They kiss and their facial expressions suggest that maybe this could be a real marriage after all.

Ending: In each other bare arms.

Margaret’s Journey:

Introduction: Disliked and feared by everyone in the office.

Act 1 Turning point: She learns her visa has expired; her position is at stake.

Midpoint: She thinks up the marriage proposal to avoid extradition.

Act 2 Turning Point: If Andrew doesn’t accept, he’s going to lose his job.

Climax: They kiss in front of the family (each think, “Perhaps there is something between us.”)

Ending: In each other arms – even though it was just an accident!

What makes Andrew great from a writing point of view is that the writer grabs our sympathy for him from the get-go, with the alarm going off and he’s late for work. We’ve all been there.

The writer goes on to portray Andrew in a subservient position (On the phone: “Hello, Margaret Tate’s office.”) that he is rebelling against. He allows only the occasional expression of his rebellion. e.g. When Margaret asks if his family told him to quit the job because he had to work over the weekend and miss his grand-mother’s 90th birthday, he answers, “Every day.”

The writer gains our sympathy for him in every scene. He is the underdog, but he is not all subservience. What is only hinted at in early scenes comes out in full force when he swerves the motor-boat, throwing Margaret overboard, and we are delighted when he does that.

In Margaret, the writer has managed to produce a dislikable person but one who does not lose our sympathy totally. The humor in the scenes plays an important part in this. She says, “You can’t fight a love like ours”, just as she is turning her lips away to avoid a real kiss.

She is also very smart and comes up with the idea of the proposal in the blink of an eye. Then she goes from being the victim (of potentially losing her job) to turning the tables and suddenly it is her underling, Andrew, who could lose his job, if he doesn’t go along with the proposal.

We know that this tough businesswoman is going to crack. We see it first with the kiss in front of Andrew’s family.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Week 4, Day 5.

What I have learned has been in the re-writing of a scene between two minor characters. This has been a breakthrough since I have tried to put more meaning into things happening around them, rather than in the words they speak. All of these scenes are showing me just how much meaning can be communicated in a scene without the spoken word.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment Week 2 – Day 5

What makes these characters great from a writing perspective is that so much is revealed about them without explicit dialogue.

Lady Gaga’s meaning comes out, not so much in dialogue, as in song. Suddenly, as she sings, she becomes the creative writer. She is getting a message across in a creative way. It is as though the screenwriter is saying, “Now it’s your turn.”

Both characters are in sync with one another because they both suffer from a void, but, at the same time, both have creative aspirations.

Their back story is also told by the setting. They sit in the road like two homeless people, reflecting that both are at a low-point in their lives. And the surrounding darkness plays a role (as it did in the restaurant scene in Ocean’s 11). They are in the dark and are trying to find the light.

In the background are the bright lights of a supermarket. But these garish lights are the lights of consumerism, of uniformity. Their desire is to be creative. They are looking for different bright lights, for stage lights.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Week 2, Day 4. (Ocean’s 11)

What I learned rewriting my scene was that I had three characters whom I had not placed in a triangle, but they had all the potential to form a triangle. I had just kept the two males at a distance from one another and the female, my Protagonist, was the only link. However, the breakthrough this scene from Ocean’s 11 has provoked is that I will make the triangle tighter. I will have more conflict between the two males, and this conflict will derive from their respective relationships with the Protagonist. This is a breakthrough, since it will introduce more conflict and drama into my script.

END.

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment Week 2 – Day 4

What makes this character (Danny Ocean) great from a writing perspective is that much of what his personality is communicated in an understated way, like the dimmed lights in the restaurant. He still loves Tess (“I want to get on with my life, and I want you with me.”) but he is willing to accept that she no longer loves him and remain cool. Just as the lights remain dim, so his feelings remain contained.

He is excellent at repartee:

Tess: You know your problem?

Jimmy: I have only one?

Terry: I know everything that happens in my hotels.

Jimmy: I’ll put the towels back then.

He is also a multi-faceted element in this love triangle. While deeply regretting Tess’s rejection, he is there to help her and he remains cool when her new lover appears and even manages to be polite.

So, from a writing point of view, we see someone with deep emotions below the surface, but who is able to contain them. There will be no explosions in this very public setting, the restaurant.

END

[Paul McGregor]

What makes this character (Doc) great from a writing perspective is how the write manages to portray a tough man under a veneer of vulnerability. We know he is tough and his reputation for toughness goes before him, but many of his actions and words are those of a self-effacing underdog. He is unarmed, faced with a guy with a 6-shooter.

The trick with the cup embodies this ambivalence. He is at a serious disadvantage, having a metal cup against a gun, but he wins the contest. He has totally destroyed Ringo.

He is also a complex character, clever with words, (and not just in English):

“There’s something around the eyes. It reminds me of… me!”

Fascinating writing.

END.

[Paul McGregor]

What I learned from re-writing my characters is the importance of the relationships between my characters, as was explained excellently by Hal in his audio for Week 2.

I’ve gained an insight from thinking, in particular, about ‘worthy opponents’ and ‘triangles’. My principal characters are in these sorts of relationships, and now I have to re-write keeping what Hal says in mind. As he says, it will give my script “a new dimension.”

END

[Paul McGregor]

What makes this character great from a writing point of view?

This character has all it takes to be liked by the audience. He has innocence (even his son outsmarts him), vulnerability (he lets radio listeners opine about his relationship problems), and he has a wound (his wife’s leaving home). Despite regretting the loss of his wife, he is not negative towards her. Indeed, he even says, “She made everything beautiful.”Each of these characteristics is mutually reinforcing, so the writer has produced a character with total consistency in the various aspects of his personality, making him all the more realistic.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Module 9 – Assignment 2

Paul’s wordsmithing!

4. Vision: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment was just how many words are repeated in my script. The main offenders were: Get, Going, and Man. I discovered that it suggests laziness and a lack of originality. It was a very useful exercise since it showed up related weaknesses in the script (undramatic actions; superfluous detail etc.)

6. In my first wordsmithing I made over 20 changes.

a. In an early scene, Jaime, a corrupt DEA agent, surprises Lilia, a hotel-cleaner, as she’s looking at US government documents on his nightstand.

BEFORE: As Lilia walks past him, her head down, he gets a better look at her.

AFTER: As Lilia walks past him, he grabs her chin, forcing her to look him in the eye.

I was dealing with the verb GETS, since there are around 42 in the entire script. This change allowed me to give Jaime a more active role and also reflect his violent character in actions as well as words.

b. A fentanyl lab has just been raided in a house in Lilia’s street. Her father, Tino, is not surprised.

BEFORE: Tino: I knew they were going to get him, sooner or later.

AFTER: Tino: It was obvious they’d haul him in, sooner or later.

I was targeting the verb GET. What I discovered was that replacing “GET him” with “HAUL him in” adds sub-text. The cops knew about the fentanyl lab, and it was just a matter of time before they would “haul him in”, like a fish at the end of a line.

c. A man has just died in his home of gunshot wounds. His son, in a wheelchair, approaches his father’s body that is lying on the ground.

BEFORE: The dead man’s son stretches down to touch the man’s head.

AFTER: The son, stretching down, touches his father’s cheek.

I was targeting the noun MAN which appears 15 times in the first ten pages. I removed two “man” and introducing the word “FATHER” makes the scene more personal. Thus, the wordsmithing helped me identify other words to make the scene, literally and figuratively, more “touching” e.g. “cheek” instead of “head.”

END

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Week 1, Day 5

What I learned from rewriting my scene is that I can put in a lot more drama by playing on the character’s wounds. The Good Will Hunting scene showed me that I need to increase the volume in terms of how the characters speak to one another. The tone in the scene I re-wrote was far too polite and restrained and therefore lacked drama.

Incidentally, as I chatted with one of the characters in my script today, he told me he didn’t want to go back to the States. He wants to stay in Mexico (wise choice!). I never imagined he’d say that. But it will make for a more interesting resolution.

END.

[Paul McGregor]

Week 1. Day 5.

What makes this character great from a writing perspective?

From a writing perspective this character (Will) is great because there are so many levels to him. One wound hides another. This is demonstrated by the very fact that, at the end of a scene in which his actions and words scream some wounds and hint at others, we still don’t know why he doesn’t want to go to California! One of the wounds we discover here is how he was treated as a child. His overwhelming feeling of social inferiority is another wound. The writer has revealed these wounds while portraying Will going from being soft and close to Skylar (at minute 1:26 he says, “I’m not saying I don’t love you.”) to almost smashing her head against the wall and demolishing her with the words, “I don’t love you.”

The writer does a great job of slowly revealing the wounds and accompanying that with a full range of extreme emotions.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Week 1. Day 4.

What I learned from rewriting my scene is that it is more entertaining if the reveal is drawn out. Sawyer could have simply asked, “Why is there a reward out for you?” Instead, he plays the “I never…” game. This allows us to learn more about Kate and also to make the revelation of the truth more entertaining.

My Antagonist has a double-identity, and the Protagonist is not aware of this. In the scene where they meet, I have now ensured that the truth comes out slowly and that only part of the truth comes out, leaving the rest for a later scene

END.

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment Week 1 – Day 4

How is Kate’s secret set up?

It begins with the discovery of the Wanted notice in Jack’s pocket. What is she wanted for?

The next part of the set-up is playing the game, “I Never…” We know why Sawyer is playing this game. It is a smart trick and he makes a great detective. He extracts so much information about Kate in a playful way.

The “I never…” game has a dual function. It allows a lot of “talking heads” dialogue but without the boredom. It also allows a gradual reveal of Kate’s secret as the questions, getter nearer and nearer to the bone.

The other part of the set-up is Sawyer’s prompting her to admit she has killed a man with his, “I never killed a man.” We are in brief suspense, waiting to see if she’ll take a drink and we also wonder whether Jack knows the answer in advance.

What causes demand to know what that secret is?

We know she is Wanted, but not what for. The night-time setting contributes to the demand. Just as she sits in the dark, her past is also dark. And we know that Sawyer is manoeuvering to find out what Kate did, so we are in expectation of what “I never…” will lead him to it.

How is Kate’s secret revealed?

Without a word being spoken, using Sawyer’s skillful use of the, “I Never…” game. She just takes a drink, meaning, “Yes, I killed a man.” Dramatic.

What drama was this scene built around?

The earlier scene where we learn that Kate is wanted for something. The relaxed atmosphere created by Sawyer, saying “Call it a way to get to know each other.”

What traits showed up in these character words and actions?

Kate: Certain vulnerability (we know she is hiding something and that she is at the mercy of Sawyer); takes relationships seriously (never had a 1-night stand); smart and able to read people (e.g. “I never implied I’ve been to college.”) plays her cards well (refers to Sawyer’s secret about the 20 year-old letter, to put him on the back foot and show he may know things about her, but she knows things about him); tough (she has killed a man.)

Sawyer: Devious (uses the “I never…” game to get the info he wants); wounded (the letter he’s been carrying around for 20 years); cold (never been in love); reads people well (he knew Kate would want some alcohol, the requirement for playing the game); tough (he has killed a man.)

[Paul McGregor]

What I learned from this assignment is that my characters, my scenes and my dialogue all have to become more multi-dimensional, more complex. Each time I watched this same scene, I found something I hadn’t seen before. For example, the line: “To make that ball go into th hole – you have to let it.”

The dialogue is multi-layered and that’s a feature I have to give to mine.

Also, we discover Bagger Vance gradually during the course of the scene and I have identified a character in my script for whom I will try to create the same, gradual exposition.

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment Week 1 – Day 3

Where is Junah coming from?

Junah is coming from defeat and disappointment. He is trying to get “back in the game” and is working with determination, and alone, to do so.

Where is Bagger Vance coming from?

Bagger Vance literally comes from nowhere, emerging out of the night. He arrives with an intimate knowledge of golf and of Junah’s past. He appears as a beggar, literally looking for a free lunch, but he has much more to offer Junah.

In a way they are mirror images of one another. Junah has all the golf gear and is making lousy strokes, while Bagger Vince even denies ever playing golf yet makes a brilliant stroke.

What drama was this scene built around?

A man, at night, hitting golf balls into the distance. A man emerging from the shadows, carrying a suitcase. The gradual revelation of Bagger Vance’s knowledge of the game, starting with, “No, I don’t play golf,” to his making a superb stroke. The gradual discovery that Bagger Vance knows more than he’s letting on, when he refers to the 1916 championship.

What traits showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

Junah: Determined (he’s practising his swing late into the night); lacks self-confidence (“I’ve done things that made less sense.”); impatient (“Are you going to hit the ball, or are you going to dance with it?”)

Bagger Vance: Self-deprecating (“No, I don’t play golf.”); wise and philosophical (“A man’s grip on his club is like his grip on his world.”); good reader of personality (He provokes Junah with his question, “Are you a golfer?”)

Insights: It can make it more entertaining when a character is gradually discovered, the way we discover Bagger Vance.

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment Week 1 – Day 2 Part 2

What I learned from this Assignment is that we, the writer, are like Kyle Reese. We know what will happen to our protagonist, but he/she doesn’t.

The subject of the Lesson was not clear to me at the start – “Living into their future.” What does that mean?

My understanding now, is that we, the writer, we know where our character is going (we’ve prepared the structure) and where they will end up. But the character doesn’t know. So, a character “living into their future” means that we give them words and actions that lead to that already existing (in our structure) future. We have to make sure everything the character says and does, leads to that future, and is done and said in the light of that future.

I have been working on a screenplay for three months and still don’t know if my Protagonist will come out alive or not. That simple fact explains why I might still be working on this script in another 3 months! So, back to my structure!

I’ve got to become like Kyle. At the moment, I’m still Sarah!

END

[Paul McGregor]

Module 9 – Assignment 1

Paul has tested every line.

7. What I learned from this assignment was just how much unnecessary detail I had in my description. Going through the process of questioning every line helped me also to become more aware of the essence of the scene. I definitely feel it has produced a more readable script.

5. It not only made my script a faster read, it also helped me go through the discipline of deciding what was important and what was superfluous. I removed a lot of references to the state of mind of the character. There was also a lot of repeated detail that I hadn’t identified before and which I removed.

6.

BEFORE:

3. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Cops and soldiers are still busy removing bins of fentanyl and loading them onto trucks. A cordon has been set up around the house, blocking Lilia’s path.

SOLDIER 1

You can’t go through.

LILIA

(Pointing at her house)

Who says so? I live down there!

SOLDIER 1

Come back in an hour.

Lilia, frustrated, stands immobile facing the soldiers. A COP comes over. He says something to Soldier 1 and signals her to go through the line of cops and soldiers. Lilia passes through the line and throws a smile of thanks to the Cop.

COP

Anytime, Señorita. And say hello to Tino.

Lilia says nothing and walks down the road towards her house. Soldiers are carrying large plastic barrels and boxes towards a truck parked near the road-block. As Lilia walks past the fentanyl lab she notices an old truck also being loaded with barrels. Seeing her, one of the cops signals to her to keep on moving.

AFTER:

3. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Cops and soldiers are removing bins and loading them onto trucks. A cordon has been set up around the house, blocking Lilia’s path.

SOLDIER 1

You can’t go through.

LILIA

(Pointing at her house)

Who says so? This is my street!

SOLDIER 1

Come back in an hour.

Lilia stands defiantly facing the soldiers. A COP comes over. He says something to Soldier 1 and signals to Lilia to go through the line. Lilia smiles in thanks to the Cop and walks towards her home.

COP

Anytime, Señorita. And say hello to Tino.

As Lilia walks past the fentanyl lab she glimpses a truck at the back, also being loaded with barrels. Another cop signals to her to keep on moving.

This cut 36 from 163 words or 22%.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment Week 1 – Day 2

Kyle quotes Sarah’s son as saying, “You must survive, or I will not exist.” This encapsulates the profoundly ambiguous, and therefore very confusing, position Sarah is in with regard to her own future.

If Kyle knows even the color of the son’s eyes, then she can be fairly confident that she will survive.

But Kyle says her son also said, “The future is not set.”

What’s a person to think and do faced with such a future? A future that seems to be set (her son spoke to Kyle) but at the same time requiring to make a heroic effort to survive.

The confusion is summed up in Sarah’s words: “You’re talking about things I haven’t done yet in the past tense.”

So, what future is Sarah living into? One that has already happened. And the rest of the film is going to show her fulfilling what Kyle has already seen. Confusing but intriguing, and that’s why we’ll keep on watching.

As for Kyle’s future, we know he is going to have a tough time. He talks about a war that is to happen/has happened. He tells Sarah of the precautions they have to take, such as moving around only at night. It is going to be very tough, but, since he has already met Sarah’s son, we don’t have to worry about his survival.

Sarah’s transformation: One level of her transformation is that she will become a mother. But we can predict other profound changes. She makes it quite clear she cannot even balance her check-book and she is now being called upon to become a heroine, a role she’d rather not have. Her capacity to survive however, is hinted at in the way she bandages Kyle’s wound. She does it in a very professional way and then we learn it was the first time in her life. This suggests a resourceful person who learns quickly, and thus, despite her apparent unpreparedness (she doesn’t even have warm clothes) she will come through in the end.

This scene was built around several elements of drama. It begins with the news report of the biggest police operation in the history of California and continues with the pair having to push the car off the road and taking refuge in a dark tunnel.

The drama increases when we discover that these two people don’t even know each other’s name. Then there’s the sudden discovery of Kyle’s wound, which, judging by Sarah’s reaction could be life-threatening, until she successfully bandages it up.

Finally, there is all the drama that derives from Kyle’s talk of a future that has already, but which might not happen if Sarah doesn’t step up to the plate.

Sarah’s traits: vulnerable yet resourceful (suffers the cold but manages to bandage Kyle’s wound) / realistic about herself, even self-deprecating /

Kyle’s traits: stoical (downplays his bullet wound)/ practical / adventurous (“I volunteered. A chance to meet the Legend.”)/ protective (keeps Sarah warm).

END

[Paul McGregor]

What I learned from this assignment

I learned how dialogue can be as thrilling as action. We become totally enthralled by the Will’s verbal skills as he uses words like punches to hit the other guy into submission.

I also learned that it does take some time to isolate character traits when watching a scene like this. I listed 11 for Will, but only 4 for Skylar and Chuckie.

[Paul McGregor]

Day 1. Good Will Hunting

Will: good judge of character; intelligent and well-read; smart with words, weaponizes them; self-confident; no time for idiots; loyal friend.

Skylar: (doesn’t do or say much making it difficult to judge character traits) self-confident; no time for idiots; straight talker; socializes well.

Chuckie: sociable; in his own words, “not a genius”; gullible and easy target.

This is a drama played out in front of two girls on bar-stools who observe the knights with their verbal jousting. The drama begins with Chuckie’s failing attempt to chat them up which is interrupted by a guy who thinks he has the intellectual advantage over the competition. But then Will steps forward to defend his friend, and proves to be much quicker on the verbal trigger and wins the fight.

They picked a Harvard bar because, for Chuckie, there are girls he can chat up and, for Will, there are students he can have a verbal bar-fight with.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul McGregor. I agree to the terms of this Release Form.

[Paul McGregor]

I’m Paul McGregor

I’ve written 5 scripts. Sold zero. (I need to re-take the “Getting Your Script to Power Players” class again). Finalist in one film festival.

I hope, through this class, to give greater depth the characters I already have in my scripts and meet some new ones.

I could be in the movie “The Interpreter – 2”, if it’s ever made. I interpreted for two Popes (as well as many other people) at the United Nations.

[Paul McGregor]

I couldn’t find Lesson 7, so I am posting the Assignment here.

Module 8 – Assignment 7

Paul has amazing dialogue.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment was how the Skill Mastery Sheet is a great guide-book on how to improve dialogue. When I read my draft with these strategies, it’s difficult not to identify dialogue that needs upgrading.

3. On this re-reading, I elevated about 15 lines of dialogue. Here are 3 examples:

Example 1:

Anticipatory dialogue & dialogue from character profile: It’s an early scene and provides an opportunity for a statement of the movie’s principal theme. It is anticipatory because Lilia’s mission, later in the movie, precisely is to kill one of those drug users who caused the death of her daughter.

BEFORE: Lilia: “That’s no reason for killing a man!

AFTER: Lilia: “They just killed a man! Why don’t they kill the users, not the producers? That way they might stand a chance of winning their stupid war!”

Example 2:

Engaging banter: From the same scene, Lilia is just chatting with a neighbor as they watch a fentanyl lab being destroyed and one of the workers shot dead. This shows different perspectives on the same problem – the drug war.

BEFORE: Neighbor: “Bloody gringos!”

AFTER: Neighbor: “Don’t you get it? They don’t want this war to end.”

Example 3:

Scott Wolfson, who caused Marisol’s death, has been abducted and brought to Culiacán, so Lilia can take revenge for the death of her daughter. Lilia is thanking the men from the Cartel who delivered Scott.

BEFORE: Lilia: “Thanks again for getting him here safely.”

AFTER: Lilia: “Did you tell him this is a one-way trip?”

SARCASM as a sub-text pointer. Scott is never going back to the US.

END

[Paul McGregor]

I can’t find Lesson 6 in the Forums, so I am posting here under Lesson 10.

Module 8 – Assignment 6

Paul has incredible monologues.

6. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

7. What I learned from this assignment is how exciting it was to think of the components of a successful monologue. It was exciting to think of how to get a message across without it sounding like commentary in a documentary. There has to be feeling. It can also be incoherent, as long as it’s in line with the character.

I thought for a long time about my monologues, but, in the end, I had to apply another of Hal’s great tips: sit down with a timer set for 5 or 10 minutes, and just write! I think it worked. The words just began to flow. But it’s also an early draft.

For inspiration, I looked through the Penguin Book of Historic Speeches. In the introduction it explains how J.F. Kennedy’s famous inauguration speech went through various drafts.

Early draft (from when JFK was campaigning): “We do campaign stressing what our country is going to do for us as people. We stress what we can do for our country, all of us.”

Final draft: “And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”

Even the greatest writers have early drafts that end up in the bin.

5. I’m including just one monologue at the moment. My second is still too early a draft.

The monologue below is more along the lines of Humphrey Bogart’s “interactive” monologue in Casablanca than Robin Williams’ 3-minute soliloquy in Good Will Hunting.

Sc. 17. EXT. THE “LOMITA” OVERLOOKING DOWNTOWN CULIACÁN. DAWN.

el Charro: Where’s your Dad?

Lilia: (Her grief makes her deaf to the question.) She was everything to me. And he’s taken her from me. I can’t take any more of this suffering. She was succeeding where I failed. Everything was going so well. She studied so hard to get out of this place, this… Now she’s… I can’t say the word. He took her from me. Some rich gringo kid. Some senator’s son. And then that stuck-up senator told the whole world it was all her fault! Can you believe that?! They lie like they breathe, these fucking gringos. I’d like to see every one of them dead!

el Charro: That wasn’t always the case.

Lilia: And you saw how he treated me? Just dropped me! Not a word. No good-bye. No “give me a call.” Just disappeared. And left me…

el Charro: Left you what?

Lilia: Nothing.

PAUSE

You know they killed one of my neighbors the other day, an old man.

el Charro: The gringos?

Lilia: Mexican cops. But it might have well been the gringos. They’re just do what the fucking gringo tell them to do. This isn’t an independent country.

PAUSE
What’s it’s all about? This drug war? It’s killing all the wrong people. My dad’s right. If there were no Hunter Bidens, there’d be no el Chapos. I bet the bastard who killed Marisol is still doing drugs. Nobody’s going after him. Instead, they kill some old man who’s trying to feed his family. And his son’s in a wheel-chair.

el Charro: I heard about that. Don’t you worry. We’ll take care of him.

Lilia: You will?

el Charro: As much as we can.

Lilia: There’s only way I can carry on.

el Charro: How’s that?

Lilia: I’ve got to see him dead.

el Charro: My guys can take care of that.

Lilia: No. I’ve got to watch him die. I’ve got to watch him die the way he watched Marisol die.

PAUSE. I want you to bring him here. To Culiacán. To me!

(Turning to look el Charro in the eye). Can you do that?

el Charro: For you, anything.

END

[Paul McGregor]

I can’t find Lesson 5 for Module 8, so I am posting it here.

Paul is great at sub-text pointers.

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment is how much dialogue can be a candidate for sub-text and how it is much more interesting to read a script with insinuations, hints, sarcasm etc. than a script that tells you everything as it is. It also makes for more interesting characters.

4.

a. Lilia’s (Protagonist) daughter, Marisol, has just learned she’s got a scholarship to go study in the US and is delighted. Her grand-father, Tino, is not so happy. His experience of the US includes 4 years in jail for drug trafficking:

Tino: Be careful who you mixed with on the other side. Don’t ever trust a gringo.

BEFORE:

Marisol: Grandad, just because you had a bad experience, doesn’t mean…

AFTER:

Marisol: Grandad, why are you always so negative about the place?!

Lilia: Let’s just say your granpa’ didn’t go there on a full scholarship. (Sarcasm & Insinuation).

b. Marisol is at a college party where drugs are being consumed. She does not want to join in. But one of the students, Scott Wolfson, is about to lace her drink with drugs.

BEFORE:

Scott Wolfson: Would you prefer a beer?

Marisol: Yes, please.

AFTER:

Scott Wolfson: Prefer a drink?

Marisol nods.

College Student: On the rocks? (Hint).

The other students giggle knowingly.

Marisol: (Not getting the joke.) Em.. sure.

c. Before this key scene, the audience did not know that Lilia was the Senator’s mistress in his earlier incarnation as a DEA agent in Culiacán. The sub-text pointed to here is that he is also the father of Marisol, the girl who died at his son’s drug-fuelled party.

BEFORE:

Lilia: Why would I kill him?

Lilia walks back to the table and leans on it with a menacing air.

Lilia: Because he killed OUR daughter.

AFTER:

Senator Wolfson: Kill him?!

Lilia: Why not?

Senator Wolfson: You’re crazy.

Lilia sits in silence for a moment.

Lilia: Maybe you’re right. It would be tough on you to lose two children in one month.

Senator Wolfson: Two?

Lilia: You’re right. I never showed you the results of the DNA test, did I? (Insinuation).

d. In the same scene, Lilia mentions the video in which Senator Wolfson accused the “Mexican bitch” (Marisol) of bringing the drugs to his son’s party.

BEFORE:

Lilia: How could you talk like that? You knew it was a lie.

Senator Wolfson: Look I wasn’t there. How could I know?

AFTER:

Lilia: You make a great politician.

Senator Wolfson: How do you know?

Lilia: I saw the video.

Senator Wolfson: I hope I didn’t come across as anti-Mexican.

Lilia: I watched that video lots of times.

Senator Wolfson:Was it that interesting?

Lilia: Let’s say it taught me a lot. (Insinuation.) About you.

Senator Wolfson: Stuff you didn’t already know?

Lilia: Lots of things I didn’t already know. (Hint.)

e. Senator Wolfson has just arrived back in Culiacán in search of his son. He is picked up at the airport by a DEA agent, Jaime, doing the job he used to do. The sub-text is that they both know about DEA corruption.

BEFORE:

Jaime: First time back?

Senator Wolfson: It’s been about 18 years.

Jaime: Planning on staying long?

Senator Wolfson: The time it takes to find my son.

AFTER:

Senator Wolfson: Liking it here?

Jaime: It has its advantages over Virginia.

Senator Wolfson: Any freelance work? (Hint. Allusion.)

Jaime eyes the Senator.

Jaime: Now and again.

They continue the drive to the center of Culiacán.

END

[Paul McGregor]

I can’t find Lesson 4 in this WIM 3 Module 8 Forum, so I’m posting it here.

Module 8: Assignment 4.

Paul loves covering sub-text.

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment was to be on the lookout for dialogue that just tells the story. And, in trying to introduce sub-text in one scene, I discovered a twist to my story: el Charro is attracted to Lilia, the Protagonist. This introduces a new dynamic into the story.

3. a. Answer question with question. (Jaime, DEA, arrives at a cheap hotel in Culiacán with Senator Wolfson, who is ex-DEA. Prostitutes are hanging around outside.)

Prostitute: (To Jaime). Hey, you still owe me for last Saturday!

Senator Wolfson: You’ve blended in well!

Jaime: Isn’t that what they taught us in Arlington?

b. Answer question with question: (Lilia is asking el Charro to abduct her daughter’s killer.)

Sc. 28: el Charro: What do you plan doing with him?

Lilia: What did you do to the guy who killed your sons?

c. Make a joke: (Lilia is talking to the young gringo who killed her daughter.)

Sc. 32. Scott: What are you going to do to me?

Lilia: What do you gringos call it? Spring-break?

Scott nods.

Lilia: So let’s call it a spring-break with a difference.

END

[Paul McGregor]

I can’t find Lessons 1-3 in the Forum for Module 8, so I am posting them here:

Module 8 – Assignment 1

Paul’s Dialogue Structures

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from doing this assignment was how it made me re-think the role of dialogue completely, starting with, “it does not tell the story.” I also learned the importance of making it entertaining and expressing character. Reviewing my scenes in the light of this helped me come up with new depths of story and character.

3. Re-written scenes:

A. Set-up/Major twist:

The crucial scene when the Protagonist, Lilia, meets the Antagonist, Senator Wolfson, for the second time. I have taken the opportunity also to give it a more interesting setting. Instead of a restaurant, they meet in the Botanical Garden which was one of their favorite haunts when the Senator was in Culiacán as a DEA agent, 18 years earlier.

During the set-up, the Senator grieves at the kidnapping of his son and concentrates on his loss, but in the twist, he learns that Lilia is the mother of the girl his son killed, and, as a parting shot, she informs him that he was the father!

B. Opposite meanings in dialogue:

The tense scene when the Protagonist, Lilia, meets Scott Wolfson, the rich college kid who caused her daughter’s death.

Panicked, Scott does a lot of talking, pleading for his life as he fears he faces death for killing Lilia’s daughter. But Lilia is almost distracted, talking of other matters – the logistics for his trip to hell on earth as she plans his next few days discovering the reality of the drugs business.

C. Subtext drives the meaning:

An early scene when Senator Wolfson returns to his house in the DC suburbs where a Mexican girl has just died. He talks with his son, Scott, but they talk about everything except the crime Scott has just committed.

Both the father, Senator Wolfson, because he’s a born politician, and his son, Scott, because he’s a spoilt brat, are expert at hiding from the truth and it is displayed in this scene in which they discuss everything except the death of the girl from a drug overdose in their house.

D. Deeper layer opposes dialogue:

In shock after learning of her daughter’s death, Lilia thinks by talking about other things, she will make the news go away.

This re-written scene makes Lilia’s loss even more poignant as she tries to talk and talk in order to avoid the cruel truth of her daughter’s death. Meanwhile, her father, Tino, tries to bring her back to reality.

END

Module 8 – Assignment 2

Paul loves attack/counter-attack dialogue.

6. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

7. What I learned from doing this assignment was that it helped me to look at my existing scenes in a totally different way. The original version of the scene reproduced had no sub-text or conflict. Having the framework of different perspectives, objectives, etc. really helped focus the exercise and render the dialogue more interesting.

3. Opposing viewpoints:

Perspectives Objectives Philosophies Issues

LILIA (Protagonist) Not interested in Help her daughter Make no waves. 18 yrs ago

drug war. escape Culiacán. was dumped

by gringo who

promised her a future in the US.

TINO (Lilia’s father) Sees drug war Enjoy quiet retirement Distrust all Spent 4yrs in

as a hypocritical from the Cartel. gringos, US jail for drug

gringo fraud. trafficking.

5. Scene with attack/counter-attack dialogue.

SC. 6. INT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME.

Lilia’s father, TINO, is in a chair reading a book. Her daughter, MARISOL, is at the kitchen table doing homework.

LILIA

(Almost choking with grief)

I just saw a man die.

Neither Tino nor Marisol pay any attention.

LILIA

(Just holding back the tears)

Our nice neighbor.

Still no response from the other two.

LILIA

Remember dad? The one who helped fix the boiler?

Tino finally puts down his book.

TINO

The cops kill him?

Lilia nods.

TINO

They were going to get him sooner or later.

LILIA

(At last managing to control her pain)

What do you mean?

TINO

Nothing. He was just trying to make a living.

Marisol grabs her books together and gets up.

MARISOL

I can’t concentrate with you two going on. I have an exam tomorrow!

Marisol slams the door shut behind her.

TINO

(Looking up from his book)

The cops are the criminals.

Lilia is still too absorbed by grief to say anything.

TINO

Drug war? Drugs aren’t illegal if you live in the White House.

LILIA

Did you know he was making drugs?

TINO

They should just legalize the stuff. Then Culiacán could be more like Qatar, and less like… Cuba!

This is still too abstract for Lilia.

TINO

You know your daughter wants to go study in the US?

Lilia nods.

TINO

She’s crazy.

LILIA

Why? Just because you had a bad experience.

TINO

Bad experience?! Bad experience?! 4 years in a fucking jail?

LILIA

Dad! Keep your voice down. She’s studying.

TINO

She’s just like you. Won’t be happy till she gets to gringo-land.

Lilia starts preparing dinner.

TINO

And you’ve got me to thank that you didn’t.

LILIA

(Suddenly dropping what she’s doing)

Got you to thank?! What do you mean?

TINO

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

LILIA

Nothing?! You said I should thank you I never got to the States.

TINO

(Avoiding the question)

Well, look at the mess it’s in.

LILIA

And this place isn’t?

TINO

Because we’re fighting their war for them. A stupid war they’ll never win, and we go on losing.

LILIA

What’s any of this go to do with Marisol?

TINO

If she goes to the States she’ll soon regret it.

LILIA

So you want her to stay here and rot?

TINO

OK. Let her go! See if I care!

Lilia is back cooking dinner. Tino returns to his book.

TINO

She’ll soon find she can’t trust a single one of them.

FADE OUT.

END

Module 8 – Assignment 3

Paul loves anticipatory dialogue.

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from doing this assignment was that it helped me to identify something that is almost totally missing in my current draft. It was a very interesting exercise to review my dialogue and see which of the 11 forms I could use in each scene. Often it was quite simple to adapt existing dialogue in order to make it anticipatory. I also learned how anticipatory dialogue does make the script more interesting to read.

4. Here are just a couple of examples from early scenes:

Sc. 1: As a man lies in the street with gun-shot wounds, his wife comes running out. Half carrying, half dragging him into their house, the final line of the scene now has IMPLIED HOPELESSNESS:

MAN’S WIFE

Don’t die on me!

Sc. 2: In this scene, there is now IMPLIED CONSEQUENCES as the man has died and his son, in a wheelchair, asks:

MAN’S SON

What are we going to do?

MAN’S WIFE

Starve.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Elevated Dialogue

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from doing this assignment was how it really helped to just focus on one character at a time and only read their lines. It was like spending time alone with them and getting to know them better. The assignment also helped me clean up a lot of dialogue that began with unnecessary words such as: “Well…”, “So…” etc. and which dilute the immediacy of the dialogue.

3.

A. Lilia – Protagonist – 19 changes.

1. To cops who have blocked off her street and won’t let her through.

Before: “But I live down there.”

After: “Who says so?”

She goes from being plaintive to challenging authority.

2. As she observes cops and soldiers destroy the fentanyl lab.

Before: “What’s going on?”

After: “What are the crooks in uniform doing now?”

Goes from generic to expressing her downright contempt for the cops.

3. After one of the guests in the hotel where she works makes an unwelcome pass at her.

Before: “I want your people to bring him here – to Culiacán. I want him alive.”

After: “I don’t want him dead – yet.”

Adds suspense.

B. Senator Marcus – Antagonist – 10 changes.

1. His son has phoned him for advice after a girl just collapsed at a party in the family house.

Before: “How’s she looking?”

After: “You stay cool, that’s what you do.”

Senator Wolfson is cold and calculating and knows how to handle tricky situations.

2. He is answering journalists’ questions after the girl has been taken away in an ambulance.

Before: “It was she then who deserved to die.”

After: “Poetic justice.”

More concise and reflects his dismissive and aragont attitude towards other people.

3. In answer to Jaime, his ex-colleague in the DEA, who asks if he’s planning to stay for long.

Before: “Not if I can help it.”

After: “In Culiacán, even a day is too long.”

Replaces a cliché with an expression of his real feelings for the place where he used to work for the DEA.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Elevated Interest

6. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

7. What I learned from doing this assignment was how the interest techniques help brainstorm new approaches to scenes. They act as prompts to come up with new ideas, and these new ideas impact the rest of the story. Assignments like this one prepare us for the sort of task a producer will give us (one day!).

5.

Sc. 1: Opening scene: Added uncomfortable moment, a cop tries to chat up Lilia while she is trying to save the dying man. Also added heightened uncertainty about whether the man will survive the gunshot wounds.

Sc. 9: Farewells at airport: Added more interesting setting. The scene is split in two and begins in the expensive car of one of Tino’s friends. Provides a secret setting for handing over the wad of dollars to his grand-daughter. Both elements also add intrigue (where does the money come from and how can Tino’s friend afford such a car?).

Sc. 18: Marisol’s death at party: Added superior position. We now see the drugs being put in the beer that will kill Marisol. Added betrayal, with the friend who invited Marisol to the party being privy to what his friends are doing with her drink. Added suspense, by delaying Marisol’s death till after she is taken to hospital.

Sc. 36: Lilia meets her daughter’s killer: Added more interesting setting. Instead of Scott being brought to Lilia’s home, she finds him incarcerated in one of the Cartel’s underground jails. Added character radically changes, with Lilia, normally composed and collected, launching into an attack that almost kills Scott. Also increased the suspense surrounding what the plans are for Scott. They are not made clear before the scene closes.

Sc. 39: Scott is on his ‘drug trip’ in the Sierra Madre outside Culiacán: Added character changes radically. Scott has gone from the brash, rich, Senator’s son, to the submissive and weak prisoner of Lilia (mother of the girl he killed) and now he goes from being an empty-headed college student to someone who actually thinks about what is going on, as he experiences at first-hand the reality behind the drugs he has always taken for granted.

Sc. 46: Marisol’s funeral. Added a major twist. There is a massive media presence. The press are covering the story. Lilia’s posting of videos on the internet has had an impact and the funeral is a big story. (This change will have a significant impact on how the rest of the story develops.)

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul loves character depth!

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment was that, beyond its immediate purpose of giving greater depth to my characters, it also helped me resolve gaps in my plot. As I worked on giving my Protagonist greater depth, it was as though she became a real person. So, I asked her, “How do you want this story to end?” The 3 depth tools provide excellent guidelines for getting to know the character better. A truly excellent assignment!

4. Changes:

Depth Tool 1: Re-thinking my protagonist’s storyline, I discovered that what she is really engaged in (beyond avenging the death of her daughter) is the struggle between Truth and Falsehood. It is a basic element in her character to fight for the truth and always expose and counter lies. This means that she is not just another character with a routine life. Instead, she has metaphysical significance, and she is engaged in an existential battle. But it is not an abstract or intellectual battle. It is a battle with real people and against real lies. The biggest lie she is battling against here is the lie that is the drug war.

Depth Tool 2: Lilia, my Protagonist, was hiding from me just how much she loved the man who became Senator Marcus. It was not just a one-night stand, that took place 18 years before the movie begins. Her feelings for this man, totally change the direction the movie takes, causing her to abandon her original plan to kill the young man who caused the death of her daughter.

Depth Tool 3:

The biggest trigger for her are lies. It is the lie spoken about her dead daughter that as much as her actual death, that causes Lilia to plan to kill the liar.

Another trigger is seeing the innocent suffer. Thus, she reacts violently (going toe-to-toe with armed men) to the old man who is shot dead in the first scene.

END

[Paul McGregor]

To other members,

My email address for exchanging feedback is:

mcgregor16@hotmail.com

Looking forward to reading your script.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul solved scene problems!

Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment was that, like Assignment 3, it provides an excellent tool for reviewing the script and identifying problems.

3. What I did was create a spreadsheet with the 8 scene problems down the left-hand column and the scene numbers across the top. As I re-read each scene, I put a tick or a X in the corresponding box. A tick meant the problem did not appear. An X meant the problem was present.

Once I had re-read the entire script and filled in all the boxes, I went back to those scenes with the Xs and worked on those problems. Interestingly, the problem that arose most often was: 5. “Scene accomplishes only one purpose.”

The spreadsheet gave me a sort of “map of errors”, allowing me to go back and target specific scenes and their specific problems.

The Problem/Solution Grid was a great help when it came to fixing the problems.

I’m going to keep my spreadsheet and keep working on those scenes until there are no more Xs.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul is cliché busting!

Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment was that this is a game-changing assignment.

It was difficult to identify clichés, for two main reasons.

First, I am not sufficiently movie-literate to know what has been done before.

Secondly, it’s difficult to question what I have already written. Since I thought it up out of nowhere, I naturally assume it’s original and not a cliché. Of course, that’s not true, but it’s difficult to admit that and identify the clichés.

However, once I got over this misconception, I found it to be an assignment with tremendous potential.

When I came up with two or three changes, I was so excited and saw the potential it had. I realized this is what a script-writer is supposed to do – come up with something new and surprise the audience.

The other thing I learned from this assignment was that, even if I might not have identified all the clichéd scenes in my script, simply asking the simple question, “What is the purpose of this scene?” is such a great diagnostic tool and a cure.

As I asked myself that question, I found myself adding elements so that the purpose becomes more obvious and eliminating scenes that serve no real purpose.

Of course, this assignment also took much longer to do than others and I am still involved in the cliché-busting process. Here is just a sample.

4. Changes.

Cliché: Sc. 2. Old man, shot by cops, dies in his wife’s arms in their miserable shack of a home.

New version: Moments after the old man dies, his son appears from a back-room in a wheel-chair (increasing our sympathy for this victim of the drug war.)

Cliché: Sc. 34. Hank is brought to small village in mountains to learn the truth about drugs and is set to work in the poppy fields.

New version: He comes face-to-face with El Charro (the man who engineered his kidnapping and transport to Mexico and who controls the village) who forces him (with a gun to his head) to take up a gun and execute a young guy of his age.

Cliché: Sc. 46. Lilia and Tino bring Hank to the funeral of Marisol, Lilia’s daughter, whose death Hank caused, so that he shares the pain.

New version: Tino knocks Hank out with a spade, pushes him into the grave and starts shoveling soil on top of him.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Solved Character Problems.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that it helped me focus in on potential weaknesses. It has helped me identify a core problem in the Protagonist/Antagonist relationship. As I fix this, it could be an opportunity to give more depth and twists to my story.

Now, although I feel I’ve ticked most of the boxes with my characters, it’s possible I am being blind to what will seem bland to the reader.

3. Improvements:

I possibly have problems under: D, F and H.

D. Weak character intros.

Thanks to the structural change I made in Assignment 1, my Protagonist does now have a more powerful introduction than in Draft 1. She is in a challenging situation, acts according to character and there is a Twist at the end. What I have to do is bring out the Old Ways more clearly.

F. Protagonist’s Journey and the requirement that the Antagonist makes their life hell.

In my draft, the Protagonist has the upper hand most of the time. She has abducted the Antagonist’s son and is holding him hostage till the Antagonist at least retracts his very public statements about her daughter.

Through a Reveal, we discover that the Antagonist is actually the Protagonist former lover, and he did make her life hell before the movie even starts. He left her without leaving a forwarding address and ruined all her dreams of a new life in the US.

Nevertheless, I will try to find twists in the plot so that the Antagonist continues to make life hell for my Protagonist.

H. Lead characters not present.

In Act 1 there are several scenes in which neither the Protagonist nor the Antagonist is present. This is the party at the Senator’s house when Marisol dies of a drug overdose, and then the abduction of the Senator’s son and his crossing the border into Mexico.

In the other Acts, this is not a problem.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Structure Solutions.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

7. What I learned from this assignment was how it really helped me identify weakness in my Structure. Also, by asking these structural questions I also found some solutions to basic problems with the story line. Furthermore, it helped me identify and include dramatic elements that did not exist in my Draft 1. A truly excellent exercise!

5. Changes to script (I’ve used the Structure Questions to indicate where these come:

Act 1.

Opening scene: CHANGE. To make it a stronger opening I now open with the attack on the fentanyl lab in Culiacán and the shooting death of the old man. My previous opening scene, with my protagonist, Lilia, doing her day job and discovering the DEA agent, comes after that scene.

Inciting incident: NO CHANGE. Death of Lilia’s daughter, Marisol.

Turning point: NO CHANGE. Abduction of Marisol’s killer, Hank. No change.

Act 2.

New plan: NO CHANGE. Make Hank suffer for death of Marisol before executing him.

Plan in action: NO CHANGE. Lilia decides to make it a learning experience for young people like Hank back in the US by filming his experience and posting it on social media.

Midpoint Turning Point: CHANGE. Hank’s father, the Senator arrives in Culiacán. The reveal here is that he used to be a DEA agent and was posted to Culiacán.

Act 3.

React/Rethink: CHANGE. Use Hank as a hostage to get his father to make public disavowal of the earlier statement that Marisol died from cocaine she had brought to the party.

Turning point: CHANGE. It is now that Lilia discovers that the Senator is her former lover whose real identity was revealed to the Cartel by her father, Tino. But she never knew who denounced him and forced him to leave without leaving a forwarding address. He is therefore Marisol’s father! She has to totally re-think her goal and strategy.

Act 4.

Climax/Ultimate Conflict: NO CHANGE. Lilia now tries to protect Senator from the Cartel, but now a DEA agent also working freelance for the Cartel, betrays his former colleague. Lilia gets killed. The Senator and son Hank escape.

Resolution: CHANGE: Senator and son escape back to US but with a new, anti-drug war message. The DEA agent who betrayed him and his Cartel friends continue as before.

New ways: NO CHANGE: Throughout Act 4 Lilia demonstrates a new fearlessness, contempt for authority and determination to show up the drug war for what it is – a war with that kills the wrong people.

8. Beat sheet. The changes to the Beat Sheet are ongoing.

END.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Has finished Act 4.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. I was quite happy with Acts 1 and 2, but was still struggling with sequences of events in Acts 3 and 4. So, I sat down and wrote out the entire story in narrative form. I did it in order to have a clear picture of where my story was going. Of course, had my Outline been done properly, this would not have been necessary! But it did help me re-connect with the sequence of events in my story and brainstorm to fill the gaps. I think it worked.

5. What I learned from this assignment was how to practice working to a deadline. I told myself that the Producer (in my dreams!) was happy with Acts 1 and 2 and that I had till today at 6 pm to fill the gaps in Acts 3 and 4. What I have is not even 30% quality, but I have a draft down on paper that I can work on.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Continues Act 4.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. This is the fifth script I have written and none have been this difficult.

5. What I learned from this assignment was how helpful Hal’s words, “Have fun!” can be. I used to think it was just a catch phrase. But I realized, as I did this assignment how important it is to see the job of writing a script as something that should be fun. That helps provoke creativity. But at the same time, his instruction is often hard to comply with!

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Started Act 4.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. I’ve been applying Rule 4 and especially 5 of the High Speed Writing Rules. That has helped. But in future I will try to avoid the mistake of starting the first draft without a fully-functioning outline. I am coming up with answers to some of the questions raised by the gaps in my outline, but with a proper outline it wouldn’t have been this hard.

5. What I learned from this assignment was is how those words of Toni Sorenson helped: “Don’t quit, until you’ve arrived.” So I am moving forward towards the end of Draft 1 even though I feel it will barely reach 20% quality. “Don’t quit! Don’t quit! Don’t quit!” is my mantra right now.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Finishing Act 3.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. I know Mastery Session 18 was recorded about six months ago, but, listening to it, I felt Hal had been reading my thoughts this week. For example, there were moments when I felt I was getting nowhere with my script and that maybe I should give up. His words, “Train your creative mind to think it will solve those problems,” helped keep me going. Excellent recording! Thank you, Hal!

5. What I learned from this assignment was that by setting short term objectives, as these assignments do, helps me move forward. Moving step by step towards the objective of a complete first draft helps a lot, and reduces the pressure of solving all problems at once.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Continues Act 3.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. This continues to be tough. I actually went back to my Beat Sheet to help me fill in the gaps in my Outline and it worked.

5. What I learned from this assignment was:

– how vital it is to have a workable Outline before beginning Draft One.

– how those quotes Hal puts at the top of the Lessons do help. I needed that quote from Richard Bach as I worked on my script this week.

– how the empowerment exercises help. I particularly needed them this week as I was losing confidence in ever writing a satisfactory script. Writing really can be a roller-coaster experience!

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Started Act 3.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. This has been tough. I thought the gaps in my Outline would work themselves out as I wrote the script. This is not the case. But I decided to follow the Assignment instructions and push ahead, following the High-Speed Writing rules. Some problems found a solution, many remain. But the High-Speed Writing rules do help me fight writer’s block.

5. What I learned from this assignment was just how important it is to have a solid Outline before beginning to write the script.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Completed Act 2.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. Hal’s Mastery Session 17 really helped during this assignment. I needed his advice on the creative process to fill some gaps in my structure. They were causing me to stall, so I followed Hal’s advice and worked on some easier problems. Also, his advice to write the problem at the top of the page and brainstorm answers helped.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that I still have gaps but I’m slowly filling them in.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Well done, Kristina! I think we’re all learning so much from this course. I totally agree with your comment about overcoming resistance and getting words on paper. Hal has provided some great encouragement with respect to doing just that. Hope your day job doesn’t leave you too exhausted this week. Good luck!

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Continuing Act 2.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. I took a couple of minor scenes to work on and it was interesting how new ideas popped up as I wrote. I also discovered some minor characters to whom I want to give more substance. I’d like each minor character to have something intriguing about them; not tell their whole story, but leave a question mark after they fade from the scene.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that the high speed writing rules really do help. First, they help combat inertia. Paraphrasing Margaret Atwood: “If I waited for an answer to every plot question, I would never write a word.”

I found that some problems get resolved as you write. You don’t have to solve all the problems first and then write. It’s like driving down a misty road. As you keep driving forward, your headlights keep lighting up more of the road in front. You don’t need to see right to the end of the highway. Instead, it gets lit up as you keep on driving/writing. But you do need your Outline as a map to reassure you that you’re on the correct highway.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Began Act 2.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. I had a key scene to write and did not know how I would go about it. But I did the assignment. I just set the time for 5 minutes and a miracle occurred! Ideas just came from nowhere. I wrote a short scene but one with concentrated meaning. A fascinating experience!

5. What I learned from this assignment is that I now have another tool for becoming a more effective writer. The empowerment has helped a lot, now I have this time management tool. Working against the clock can really provoke some creative thinking.

(The Russian writer, Dostoievski, was known for often leaving writing assignments to the last minute, but in his rushed efforts to meet his editor’s deadlines, he produced marvelous literature.)

END

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Kristina,

That was very kind of you to take the time to consider where I am in this process and share those thoughts with me. Thank you very much. And thanks for those (much needed!) words of encouragement. You are right. I am having to change the way I approach writing. Hal’s ideas have been extremely helpful. From now on, I’ll also be reading your assignments to see if I can reciprocate your kindness in providing helpful ideas. Now, I’m going to watch that video!

Many, many thanks Kristina! And the very best of luck with your script!

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Finished Act 1.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. Since I’d almost finished Act 1 with Assignment 4, I used this assignment to look through my draft and add a couple of new scenes. But, still, I have come to the end of Act 1 with only 19 pages written, very far from the goal of 6-10 pages per day.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that I just have to tell myself that this is the 30% quality draft and that I’ll have time to deal with all the gaps and shortcomings with later drafts. I hope!

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Next Act 1 scenes.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. I am nowhere near the number of pages recommended for this assignment. I’m finishing Act 1 with just 20 pages written. There is a lot to develop in Acts 2 and 3, so maybe having that short Act 1 is not all bad.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that applying the fast writing skills is helping a lot. Just having these scenes down on paper prompts ideas for the gaps I have later in the Outline. And it also gives the (mistaken?) impression that I’m making progress.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Act 1 First Draft Part 1

6. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. I was able to write 7 pages today by following the high-speed writing rules. I had to recognize the shortcomings in my Outline but keep writing the scenes anyway. I am convinced that, as I write Draft 1, answers to the questions about my Outline will turn up.

7. What I learned from this assignment is that this is a great way to get things down on paper even if it’s not perfect. It’s better than staring at a blank page until you think you have the perfect answer. That perfect answer has more chance of showing up as you are actively engaged in writing, not staring at the ceiling.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s High-Speed Writing Rules.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

3. I was able to reach the 5-page minimum requirement. It was good to feel that I had the Outline to guide me and that means I’m not writing blindly, but within set parameters. Not having the goal of being perfect with the first draft, helped a lot to just get the words down on the page. That process, in itself, I think, provokes new, creative ideas about how the script will develop.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that it took some time to put speed before quality. But I gave myself the page-count target, and that helped.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s First Scene

4. Vision: My vision is to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from doing this assignment is that, as Hal says, I should not allow myself to stall. I was spending days looking at the gaps in my Outline and trying to come up with solutions. But doing this assignment re-connected me with my characters and I think this will help me fill the gaps in later parts of the Outline.

3. How the process went for me: Although there are still significant gaps in my outline in Acts 3 and 4, I decided not to spend any more time trying to fill those gaps and try to write scenes from Act One which is complete in my Outline. My thinking was that, as I sit down to write some scenes, maybe ideas will come to me to fill the gaps.

My first scene is short but full of sub-text.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Brandyn, I enjoyed reading your Outline and I’ve sent feedback by email. I hope you find it encouraging. You have a great script in the making! All the best, Paul.

[Paul McGregor]

I’m behind in completing my outline, but if anyone would like feedback on theirs, I’d be glad to try to provide it.

Paul (mcgregor16)

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Fascinating Scene Outlines.

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment is that being challenged to ensure there are interest techniques in each scene really stretched my creative skills. It totally changed my opening scene, making it (I think) far more interesting. I also looked with a more critical eye at some scenes that were not really contributing anything to the story. This was a challenging assignment, but I do feel it has increased the quality of my current draft and set the bar high for future scenes I might add.

4. Outline with interest techniques.

ACT ONE:

1. INT. 2-STAR HOTEL, CULIACÁN, MEXICO. DAY.

Beginning: (More interesting setting) Lilia, a chambermaid, enters room to clean it. Sees papers suggesting guest is an American government official.

Middle: (Uncomfortable moment) Lilia she hears laughter in bathroom and gets ready to leave.

End: (Conflict) Door of bathroom pulled open and she sees man and woman. Seems they’ve been doing drugs. Man shouts at Lilia to get out and she leaves in a hurry.

2. INT. BUS. SAME.

Beginning: (Uncertainty) Lilia is travelling home on bus and sees Mexican Army trucks deploying around the streets.

Middle: (Major twist) The bus meets a road-block. All the passengers have to descend.

End: (Mystery) Lilia tries to find out from other passengers what is going on.

3. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Beginning: (Suspense) Lilia has to challenges the soldiers to let her through to get home. They won’t tell her what’s going on.

Middle: (Major twist) Lilia discovers the army is “de-commissioning” a fentanyl lab in a house in her street.
End: (Surprise) A man in his 60s runs out of the house. He is shot in the back as he runs, and falls at Lilia’s feet.

4. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Beginning: (Conflict) Lilia against soldiers trying to take man away.

Middle: (Internal dilemma) Lilia stares at wounded man, then helps woman who runs, screaming, out of nearby house.

End: (Suspense) Lilia helps the woman drag the man into her house.

5. INT. DYING MAN’S HOUSE. SAME.

Beginning: (Uncertainty)Lilia and woman lay the dying man on the floor of his impoverished house. Try to save his life.

Middle: (Major twist) The man dies.

End: (Surprise)The man’s handicapped son appears in a wheel chair asking what’s wrong with his father.

6. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE DEAD MAN’S HOUSE. SAME.

Beginning: (Character changes radically)Lilia explodes at the soldiers who killed the man.

Middle: (Mislead) One of the officers comes to Lilia’s rescue as things heat up. Tells her to remind her father of the money he owes him.

End: (Intrigue) A plain-clothed DEA agent says he recognizes Lilia.

7. INT. LILIA’S HOME.

Beginning: (Surprise) Discover quiet bookish environment in Lilia’s humble home. Father, Tino, reading a book. Daughter (Marisol) studying.

Middle: (Reveal) Lilian tells father about soldier and the money he owes. It is to protect his family.

End: (Uncertainty) Marisol gets back to her studies. Her goal is to escape poverty and crime in Culiacán.

8. EXT. STREET. NEXT DAY.

Beginning: WORK IN PROGRESS

Middle:

End:

9. INT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME.

Beginning: (Major twist) Lilia arrives home and is greeted with news that Marisol has won a scholarship to US college.

Middle: (Conflict) Tino does not want his grand-daughter to leave for USA.

End: (Internal dilemma) Lilia has mixed feelings about daughter leaving home.

10. EXT. CULIACÁN AIRPORT. DAY.

Beginning:

Middle:

End: (Mystery) Tino hands his daughter an envelope. She discovers it contains a wad of US$.

11. INT. LIBRARY US COLLEGE. DAY.

Beginning: (Major twist) Marisol in expensive, US college.

Middle: (Uncomfortable moment) Male student invites her to party. Marisol wants to give priority to studies, not partying.

End: (Suspense) Despite misgivings, Marisol accepts invitation to party.

12. INT. POSH HOUSE. EVENING.

Beginning: (Uncertainty) Marisol at party with drug-taking students.

Middle: (Betrayal) Boy who invited Marisol to party twists her arm to try drugs.

End: (Cliffhanger) Marisol collapses unconscious.

13. EXT. POSH HOUSE. NEXT MORNING.

Beginning: (Surprise) Journalist milling outside house, seeking to interview owner.

Middle: (Major twist) Father of boy hosting party is US Senator and hawk in drug war. Journalists want to know how girl died from drugs in his house.

End: (Cliffhanger) Senator accuses Mexican girl of bringing drugs into the country.

12. INT. 2-STAR HOTEL. CULIACÁN. NEXT DAY.

Beginning: (Suspense) Lilia busy at work, cleaning hotel room.

Middle: (Surprise) Other chambermaid rushes in, showing news on cell phone.

End: (Cliffhanger) Lilia listens to Senator’s accusations against Marisol.

13. INT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME.

Beginning: (Internal dilemma) Lilia tells father, Tino, the news. Frozen with grief

Middle: (Conflict) Lilia and Tino disagree about what to do.

End: (Cliffhanger) Tino promises Senator and is son will regret what they ever met Marisol.

END ACT ONE

NB In order not to fall further behind schedule, I am posting just Act One.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Scene Requirements.

6. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

7. What I learned from this assignment is that it helped me make sure that each scene contributes to the overall story and remove weak scenes. It provides a model to follow as I come up with new scenes.

Title: Culiacán

Genre: Action/Drama

ACT ONE:

1. INT. BUS. DAY.

Scene arc: From Lilia (Protagonist) getting on bus to getting off because of army road-block.

Essence: The poverty of Culiacán.

Conflict: Between Lilia and bus-driver.

Subtext: Lilia’s life is a tough one.

Hope/fear: That Lilia will arrive home safely.

2. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Scene arc: From getting off bus to carrying away body of man killed by soldiers.

Essence: The violence of the drug war.

Conflict: Lilia and the soldiers.

Subtext: DEA is an anonymous presence.

Hope/fear: DEA has tabs of Lilia.

3. INT. DEAD MAN’S HOUSE. SAME.

We see the poverty that forced the man into drug production. Lilia outraged at family’s suffering.

Scene arc: From carrying dead body into home to lament from dead man’s widow.

Essence: Innocent people are dying in the drug war.

Conflict: Poor people and the “system”.

Subtext: The “system” is wrong.

Hope/fear: How will family survive after killing of the bread-winner?

4. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Scene arc: Lilia leaves house of dead man to encountering corrupt cop.

Essence: The corruption that thrives thanks to the drug war.

Conflict: Between Lilia and corrupt cop.

Subtext: DEA agent recognizes Lilia.

Hope/fear: Is Lilia on the DEA’s radar?

5. INT. LILIA’S HOME.

Scene arc: Lilia’s furious entry to the chore of preparing dinner.

Essence: Discover Tino’s (Lilia’s father) contrary view of the drug war.

Conflict: Between Tino and the system.

Subtext: The drug war is responsible for their misery.

Hope/fear: Will Marisol (Lilia’s daughter) can escape the poverty by studying.

6. EXT. STREET. NEXT DAY.

Lilia walking home with shopping bags. See places discreetly selling drugs.

Scene arc:

Essence:

Conflict:

Subtext:

Hope/fear:

7. EXT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME.

Scene arc: Lilia returning home to announcement of daughter’s (Marisol) scholarship.

Essence: Marisol has a future outside Culiacán.

Conflict: Lilia/Marisol vs Tino.

Subtext: Tino has some reason for not liking the US.

Hope/fear: Marisol can escape the grinding poverty.

8. EXT. CULIACÁN AIRPORT. DAY.

Scene arc: Leaving home with Marisol’s bags to airport departures.

Essence: Marisol is leaving Culiacán for a brighter future.

Conflict: Lilia/Marisol against Tino’s negative attitude to USA.

Subtext: Where did Tino get the wad of dollars he handed to Marisol?

Hope/fear: Marisol is escaping.

9. INT. LIBRARY US COLLEGE. DAY.

Scene arc: Marisol studying hard in library to agreeing to go to party.

Essence: Marisol being drawn away from her studies.

Conflict: Between studies and invitations to party.

Subtext: Privileged US college students are aim-less wasters.

Hope/fear: Marisol’s escape plan could be sabotaged.

10. INT. POSH HOUSE. EVENING.

Scene arc: Marisol arrives at party to collapsing from drug overdose.

Essence: Death of Marisol.

Conflict: Between Marisol who refuses the drugs and college student Marcus who forces them on her.

Subtext: Rich and privileged US violates poor and struggling Mexican.

Hope/fear: Will Marisol die?

11. EXT. POSH HOUSE. NEXT MORNING.

Scene arc: From journalists gathering outside house to Senator Marcus accusing the Mexican girl of bringing the drugs into US.

Essence: Reveal that drug-taking college student is son of a Senator who is a hawk in the drug war.

Conflict: Between Senator and memory of Marisol.

Subtext: US political hypocrisy.

Hope/fear: Senator’s son will escape punishment.

12. INT. MIDDLE CLASS HOME IN CULIACÁN. NEXT DAY.

Scene arc: Lilia busy at work to desperately checking phone for messages from daughter, Marisol.

Essence: Show that Lilia is without news of Marisol.

Conflict:

Subtext:

Hope/fear: How will she react when she learns of Marisol’s death?

13. EXT. LILIA’S HOUSE. LATER SAME DAY.

Lilia returning home. Worried. Neighbor meets her. Shows her video on cell-phone. Senator MARCUS claiming Mexican girl brought drugs to his house and she died. Not his son’s fault.

Scene arc: From returning home concerned to confirmation of daughter’s death.

Essence: Lilia learns of daughter’s death from TV news item on friend’s phone.

Conflict: Between Lilia and father of college student who has caused daughter’s death and has added insult to injury.

Subtext: US hypocrisy revealed.

Hope/fear: How will Lilia react to news of daughter’s death?

14. INT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME.

Scene arc: Lilia returns home with the news to Tino vowing revenge.

Essence: Revenge will be taken.

Conflict: Lilia/Tino and the Senator/his son.

Subtext: Things are going to get bad for the Senator and his son.

Hope/fear: That Lilia can avenge the death of her daughter.

ACT TWO:

15. INT. BAR IN CULIACÁN. EVENING.

Scene arc: Tino enters bar to agreeing with Cartel guy on kidnapping of college student, Hank Marcus.

Essence: Tino has influential connections in the Cartel.

Conflict: Between Tino and the college student who killed his granddaughter.

Subtext: It’s the Cartel that runs the show.

Hope/fear: That Hank Marcus will pay the price for his crimes.

16.-20. Kidnapping of Hank Marcus and transfer to Culiacán.

Scene arc: Hank Marcus abducted while purchasing drugs outside college dorm to crossing US-Mexican border.

Essence: The start of Hank’s ‘trip’ in Mexico.

Conflict: Cartel operatives and Hank.

Subtext: There’s no stopping the Cartel.

Hope/fear: Hank is going to die a nasty death.

21. INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM. SEVERAL DAYS LATER.

Scene arc: From Lilia face-to-face with daughter’s killer to planning his ‘drug trip.’

Essence: Determines the next two acts: it will be a discovery of the reality of the drugs supply chain.

Conflict: Hank up against the family determined to avenge their daughter’s death at his hands.

Subtext: Lilia just wants Hank dead; not fully in favor of her dad’s plan.

Hope/fear: What Hank is going to discover on his ‘trip’.

22. TV SCREEN.

Scene arc: Senator interviewed by journalist and begins by denying disappearance of son is linked to death of Marisol, to promising to pay costs of repatriating body of the dead girl.

Essence: The Senator is going to play a central role in this story.

Conflict: Rich US family vs poor Mexican family.

Subtext: Who knows where this story is going to lead.

Hope/fear: The story will end with a peaceful exchange of dead body for live body, with no further violence.

23. INT. HOME OF MAN KILLED IN SCENE 2.

Scene arc: From Marcus being forced to meet widow and family of dead man to start of his ‘trip’.

Essence: Beginning of Marcus’s discovery of reality in Culiacán and the drug supply chain.

Conflict: Marcus against everyone he meets.

Subtext: It’s people like Marcus who caused the death of this man.

Hope/fear: Marcus is going to end up dead.

24. EXT. HILLSIDE FIELDS IN SIERRA MADRE, OUTSIDE CULIACÁN. DAY.

Scene arc: Hank’s arrival in small village in Sierra Madre to night in small cell.

Essence: Hank’s first encounter with violent reality of the drug supply chain.

Conflict: Hank and his ‘tour guides’ who want to make his ‘trip’ unforgettable!

Subtext: The total absurdity of drug laws.

Hope/fear: This is just the beginning of Hank’s suffering.

25. INT. SENATOR MARCUS’ OFFICE. DAY.

Senator Marcus contacts friends in DEA to organize visit to Culiacán to search for his son.

Scene arc: Senator Marcus talks on phone with DEA friends to finalizing plans to travel to Culiacán, Mexico.

Essence: Senator is determined to find his son.

Conflict: Between Senator and his son’s kidnappers.

Subtext: Senator has special relationship with the DEA.

Hope/fear: This conflict is going to spiral out of control if DEA is brought into play.

28. EXT. STREET. NIGHT.

Informer within DEA calls Cartel to warn of Senator Marcus’s visit.

Scene arc: Unknown man walking down street in Culiacán to calling number on cell phone and finalizing plans for intercepting Senator.

Essence: A plan is underway to catch the Senator when he arrives in Culiacán.

Conflict: Senator and unknown conspirators.

Subtext: There is an informer in the DEA office in Sinaloa.

Hope/fear: Senator is going to be dead on arrival.

29. EXT. CULIACÁN AIRPORT. EVENING.

Scene arc: Senator’s plane lands at Culiacán airport to the killing of his driver and his abduction.

Essence: Senator is now a prisoner of the Cartel.

Conflict: Senator and his abductors.

Subtext: The DEA has been infiltrated.

Hope/fear: The Senator is about to be killed.

30. INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM. NIGHT.

Scene arc: Senator face-to-face with Lilia and Tino in underground cell and to beginning his first night in captivity.

Essence: The Senator is starting the same ‘trip’ as his son.

Conflict: Senator against Lilia and Tino.

Subtext: The Cartel is highly organized.

Hope/fear: This is going to end very badly for the Senator.

31. US TV NEWS.

Scene arc: TV journalist reporting news of Senator’s disappearance to speculating on whether he has been kidnapped, along with his son.

Essence: This story is getting more complicated.

Conflict: Senator and family of dead Mexican girl.

Subtext: The Cartel is not to be messed with.

Hope/fear: Senator has been kidnapped by the Sinaloa Cartel.

END

[I am posting just Act 1 and 2 so as not to bore the reader.]

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Intriguing Moments.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that led me to discover at least two new intrigues that make the script more interesting. I found one of the new intrigues particularly exciting. I’m sure I’ll discover more intrigue as I develop the script.

2. Explanation of intriguing moments.

Act 1.

Mystery: During the raid on the fentanyl lab, one of the DEA agents recognizes the Protagonist, Lilia. How does he know her?

Intrigue: After the raid, one of the Mexican cops tells Lilia to remind her father he has to pay up. What is going on between the cops and Tino, her father?

Secret: Tino expresses violent, anti-American feelings. Why? What happened in the past?

Covert agenda: Why is Lilia so keen for her daughter to get the scholarship to study in the USA despite all the anti-gringo sentiment around her?

Hidden identity: Why do people see a slight physical resemblance between Marisol and the American college student, Hank Marcus?

Act 2.

Secret: Senator has excellent contacts in the DEA. They help organize his trip from DC to Culiacán. How come?

Intrigue: Someone in the DEA office in Culiacán tips off the Cartel about Senator’s arrival. Who? Why?

Mystery: Senator recognizes Lilia, but she doesn’t recognize him. What’s going on?

Secret: When Tino discovers the identity of the Senator he reacts extremely violently. Why?

Act 3.

Hidden identity: The Senator was once a DEA officer, working in Culiacán where he had an affair with Lilia.

Secret: Unknown to him, the Senator is the father of Marisol, Lilia’s daughter, who died of the drug overdose in his house.

Intrigue: Local journalist keeps turning up at press conferences organized by Culiacán police, asking pertinent questions, showing he has inside information. Who is he? How does he know so much?

Conspiracy: DEA and UNODC (UN’s drugs and crime office in Vienna) planning to have Lilia eliminated by… the Cartel!

Act 4.

Cover up: Lilia is murdered on instructions from the DEA/UN, but it is made to look like a Cartel job.

Cover up: Why is the inconvenient journalist also found dead?

Mystery: When Senator and son are re-united, son has questions about his father’s past. What is he hiding? Was he also into drugs?

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Emotional Moments.

3. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

4. What I learned from this assignment is that forced me to “audit” my outline to make sure it does deliver with emotional moments. It also establishes ground rules for the scenes that are still missing from my outline.

2.

Act 1.

Distress: Lilia witnesses an old man being shot in the back by Mexican soldiers.

Courage: Lilia steps in to protect women against the soldiers.

Love: Lilia feels for the poor family of the dead man in their humble home.

Success/winning: Lilia’s daughter, Marisol, announces she has won the scholarship to US college.

Excitement: Marisol prepares to leave Mexico and fulfill her mother’s dream.

Distress: Lilia learns that Marisol has died from drugs given her by Senator’s son, Hank Marcus.

Distress: The Senator publicly accuses Marisol of bringing the drugs from Mexico.

Act 2.

Excitement: Hank Marcus kidnapped outside his college dorm as he goes to buy drugs.

Distress: Hank Marcus goes through excruciating suffering on his way to Culiacán.

Moral issue: Lilia faces her daughter’s killer and instinctively gets close to killing him on the spot.

Distress: Senator Marcus ambushed on way from airport and his driver shot in cold blood.

Distress: Hank Marcus is forced to witness the poverty that leads people to trafficking in drugs.

Act 3.

Surprise: Senator Marcus realizes his son’s kidnapper is his former lover.

Success/winning: Lilia becomes a social media celebrity.

Act 4.

Courage: Lilia continues her campaign despite death threats.

Sacrifice: Lilia dies defending the message she has become committed to.

Bonding: Father and son return to the US, both having undergone a “conversion” regarding drugs.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Reveals!

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment is that I think I already have some interesting reveals. But this paradigm helps me as I build my story, since I will be on the lookout for more reveals.

3.

Question 1 What will you reveal?

a. Lilia’s father, Tino, is a former Cartel member.

b. Lilia is the former lover of a DEA agent who was forced to flee Culiacán when his identity was revealed to the Cartel.

c. The drug-taking college boy who causes the death of Lilia’s daughter, Marisol, is the son of a Senator who has a hawkish stand on the drug war.

d. Senator Sandoval is that former DEA agent.

e. It was Lilia’s father, Tino, who revealed the identity of his daughter’s lover to the Cartel, which caused him to leave Culiacán and abandon Lilia.

Question 2 When will the reveal show up in the story?

a. In Act 1, after the death of his grand-daughter, when he contacts the Cartel to arranged the kidnapping of the college student responsible for her death.

b. Not till late in Act 2 when the Senator arrives in Culiacán and recognizes his former lover.

c. As soon as the journalists turn up at the Senator’s home and want to know how a girl died of a drugs overdose in his house.

d. In Act 2 when Tino is informed by a mole in the DEA that the Senator is planning to return to Culiacán to search for his son.

e. In Act 3 when there is a tense scene between Lilia and her father Tino and lets the secret out of the bag.

Question 3: What setups need to be in place for the reveal to work?

a. The way Tino talks about the drugs war and the DEA, suggests that he understands the Cartel and why it exists.

b. Lilia talks to her daughter, Marisol, in a very negative way about American men as her daughter prepares to take up her college scholarship there. This suggests she has had her own bad, personal experience.

c. This comes as a surprise, with little if any setup. He just looks and behaves like a spoilt college kid. The lack of a setup adds to the surprise when we suddenly learn, from the journalists, that this drug-taking kid is the son of a Senator who takes a tough stance on drugs.

d. As he plans his semi-secret trip to Culiacán he makes hints at why he left and who he left behind. But the audience does not put 2 and 2 together until he actually recognizes Lilia.

e. As with Reveals c. and d. this should come as a surprise to the audience in order to enhance its impact. There are therefore no setups.

Question 4: Where in the story do those setups belong?

a. When Tino first speaks in the early scenes of Act 1, it is to criticize the DEA and drugs war.

b. In the early scenes since suspicion of men is a defining feature of Lilia and one that determines her action later in the story.

c. No setups. A sudden, surprising reveal towards the end of Act 1. And it is this reveal that provides the premise for the rest of the movie.

d. As with 4.c., there are few setups, making it a big surprise for the audience.

e. Same as 4c. and 4d

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Character Action Tracks!

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment is that, once again, it stimulates creativity. It makes me come up with scenes that I hadn’t thought of earlier and to think more about my characters. Also, getting my characters to speak through their actions rather than words, will make the script more interesting. I still have huge gaps, but at least I know how to approach future scenes by displaying character in action.

2. a. Protagonist

Lilia: Caring & loving mother; a warrior for justice; street-wise; distrustful of men.

1. INT. BUS. DAY.

Lilia riding home from work after as cleaner in private homes. We see the poor streets of Culiacán. See military road block ahead. Passenger comments on “Doing the gringos’ job.” Lilia argues with bus-driver to stop.

2. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Lilia gets off bus. Road to her house blocked by military vehicles. A fentanyl lab in neighboring house is being destroyed. Lilia forces her way through. Witnesses violence against the women working in the lab. Man escaping lab is shot in the back as he tries to escape. Lilia goes toe-to-toe with soldiers to defend the women. Helps get dead body of man back to his house.

3. INT. DEAD MAN’S HOUSE. SAME.

We see the poverty that forced the man into drug production. Lilia outraged at family’s suffering. Lilia argues with uniformed ambulance staff who come to take body away.

4. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Lilia continues walking home, past the soldier and cops as they finish destruction of fentanyl lab. A plain-clothed DEA agent recognizes her. She ignores him. One of the cops follows her to her front door. Reminds her of the 500 pesos she owes for “protecting” her house. (First hint of police corruption).

5. INT. LILIA’S HOME.

Lilia’s father, TINO, reading. Daughter, MARISOL, doing homework. Lilia asks if heard news outside. Tino says it’s nothing new. Comments about the hypocrisy of drugs war. “Why don’t they go after consumers the way they go after producers?” Told Marisol to ignore noise and keep studying for her “ticket out of this hell.” Lilia to daughter: “Your Dad’s right.” Prepares evening meal.

6. EXT. STREET. NEXT DAY.

Lilia walking home with shopping bags. See places discreetly selling drugs.

7. EXT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME.

As Lilia approaches house, Marisol rushes out to announce she has won the scholarship. Lilia in tears.

8. INT. LILIA’S HOUSE.

Mother and daughter jubilant. Tino not so sure. Not like idea of grand-daughter going to live in USA. Expresses anti-gringo sentiments. Lilia warns her about American men.

9. EXT. CULIACÁN AIRPORT. DAY.

Lilia and Tino saying farewell to Marisol. Tino issues warnings. Slyly passes her a wad of US dollars. Lilia waves good-bye with tears in her eyes.

…

13. INT. MIDDLE CLASS HOME IN CULIACÁN. NEXT DAY.

Owner of house asks Lilia how daughter is getting on. Lilia not had any news for 2 days. Checks cell-phone. No messages. Lilia worried.

14. EXT. LILIA’S HOUSE. LATER SAME DAY.

Lilia returning home. Neighbor meets her. Shows her video on cell-phone. Senator SANDOVAL claiming Mexican girl brought drugs to his house and she died. Not his son’s fault. Lilia runs to her house, trembling.

15. INT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME.

Tino already seen the video. Lilia vows revenge. Says she will kill Senator’s son, like his son killed her daughter. [Turning point].

ACT TWO: Senator’s son kidnapped and brought to Culiacán.

21. INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM. SEVERAL DAYS LATER.

Hank Sandoval blindfolded. Tino introduces Lilia to the man who killed her daughter, his grand-daughter. Lilia grabs a hand-gun and shoots to kill. Fails. Hank wounded. Tino controls Lilia. Tells her he has better plans for her daughter’s killer. Lilia has to be restrained by cartel gun-men.

23. INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM.

Hank Sandoval still being held. Tino and Lilia plan his “trip” into the world of drugs’ supply. Each time Lilia passes next to Sandoval she strikes him.

24-26. EXT-INT. CULIACÁN. DAY & NIGHT.

Hank Sandoval on trip of discovery of reality of drug supply. Tino and Lilia are his guides. Lilia drags him around with a chain around his neck. The trip is filmed with Lilia’s phone. Uploaded to internet with anti-drug war commentary by Tino.

…

32. INT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME NIGHT.

Tino gets call, telling him Senator Sandoval has arrived. Tino tells Lilia. She is not interested. Suspicious of the father. Wants to finish the job with Hank Sandoval, the Senator’s son.

ACT THREE: Lilia finds herself up against the DEA and the Sinaloa Cartel as she campaigns on social media for an end to drug war.

34. INT. CARTEL BUNKER. DAY.

Senator Sandoval being held by gunmen. Lilia enters bunker to give Hank Sandoval another beating. Senator Sandoval recognizes her as his former lover. Calls her name. Plastic surgery and name change makes him unrecognizable. Lilia in shock and wants him dead too.

35. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME DAY.

Lilia reports to her dad, Tino, on her discovery. Tino disturbed. Does not explain why.

…

37. etc.

Cartel want him dead. Lilia demands he pay for repatriation of her daughter’s body. Decides to protect him. Gets him to a safe house.

…

39. etc. Lilia’s online postings getting a following world-wide. Makes online demands justice for the drug suppliers against the powerful drug consumers. Provokes opposition from drug cartels, DEA, United Nations.

…

ACT FOUR: Lilia is murdered by DEA/Sinaloa Cartel working together. Senator Sandoval returns to US with his freed son. He now has an anti-drug war message. Lilia’s legacy is global demands to end the drug war.

b. Antagonist

Luis Sandoval, US Senator: concerned father; conformist; arrogant politician; conflicted.

12. EXT. POSH HOUSE. NEXT MORNING.

Journalists gather in front of house. Reporting on discovery of dead Mexican girl in the house of SENATOR SANDOVAL, a hawk in the drug war. Sandoval blames Mexican girl for bringing drugs into the US.

…

27. INT. SENATOR SANDOVAL’ OFFICE. DAY.

Senator Sandoval contacts friends in DEA to organize visit to Culiacán to search for his son.

…

ACT THREE: Lilia finds herself up against the DEA and the Sinaloa Cartel as she campaigns on social media for an end to drug war.

40. etc. Lilia being targeted. Senator Sandoval trying to protect her.

ACT FOUR: to be completed.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s New Outline Beats.

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that it is an excellent way to re-examine each scene and ensure it is fulfilling a function. I have followed Hal’s advice from Mastery Session 10 and am posting this Assignment even though it is not complete. So, in answer to Question 2.C. I do feel there is something still missing. On the positive side, the assignment did get me to develop my Beat Sheet and add scenes.

2. Beat Sheet

ACT ONE: Lilia (Protagonist), a loving, caring single-mother, working hard to help her daughter escape poverty.

1. INT. BUS. DAY.

Lilia (Protagonist) riding home from work after as cleaner in private homes. We see the poor streets of Culiacán. See military road block ahead. Passenger comments on “Doing the gringos’ job.”

2. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Lilia gets off bus. Road to her house blocked by military vehicles. A fentanyl lab in neighboring house is being destroyed. Lilia forces her way through. Witnesses violence against the women working in the lab. Man escaping lab is shot in the back as he tries to escape. Lilia goes toe-to-toe with soldiers to defend the women. Helps get dead body of man back to his house.

3. INT. DEAD MAN’S HOUSE. SAME.

We see the poverty that forced the man into drug production. Lilia outraged at family’s suffering.

4. EXT. STREET. SAME.

Lilia continues walking home, past the soldier and cops as they finish destruction of fentanyl lab. A plain-clothed DEA agent recognizes her. She ignores him. One of the cops follows her to her front door. Reminds her of the 500 pesos she owes for “protecting” her house. (First hint of police corruption).

5. INT. LILIA’S HOME.

Lilia’s father, TINO, reading. Daughter, MARISOL, doing homework. Lilia asks if heard news outside. Tino says it’s nothing new. Comments about the hypocrisy of drugs war. “Why don’t they go after consumers the way they go after producers?” Told Marisol to ignore noise and keep studying for her “ticket out of this hell.” Lilia to daughter: “Your Dad’s right.” Prepares evening meal.

6. EXT. STREET. NEXT DAY.

Lilia walking home with shopping bags. See places discreetly selling drugs.

7. EXT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME.

As Lilia approaches house, Marisol rushes out to announce she has won the scholarship.

8. INT. LILIA’S HOUSE.

Mother and daughter jubilant. Tino not so sure. Not like idea of grand-daughter going to live in USA. Expresses anti-gringo sentiments.

9. EXT. CULIACÁN AIRPORT. DAY.

Lilia and Tino saying farewell to Marisol. Tino issues warnings. Slyly passes her a wad of US dollars.

10. INT. LIBRARY US COLLEGE. DAY.

Marisol studying hard. Male student invites her to party.

11. INT. POSH HOUSE. EVENING.

Party in full swing. US students joke with Marisol about Mexico, the source of their drugs. She pleads innocence. Refuses drugs. Young host of the party, HANK, forces her. She dies.

12. EXT. POSH HOUSE. NEXT MORNING.

Journalists gather in front of house. Reporting on discovery of dead Mexican girl in the house of SENATOR MARCUS, a hawk in the drug war.

13. INT. MIDDLE CLASS HOME IN CULIACÁN. NEXT DAY.

Owner of house asks Lilia how daughter is getting on. Lilia not had any news for 2 days. Checks cell-phone. No messages. Lilia worried.

14. EXT. LILIA’S HOUSE. LATER SAME DAY.

Lilia returning home. Worried. Neighbor meets her. Shows her video on cell-phone. Senator MARCUS claiming Mexican girl brought drugs to his house and she died. Not his son’s fault.

15. INT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME.

Tino already seen the video. Tino and daughter Lilia vow revenge. [Turning point].

ACT TWO: Senator’s son kidnapped and brought to Culiacán.

16. INT. BAR IN CULIACÁN. EVENING.

Tino and Cartel boss. The Cartel owe him one. Boss agrees to arrange for kidnapping of HANK MARCUS.

17.-20. Kidnapping of Hank Marcus and transfer to Culiacán.

21. INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM. SEVERAL DAYS LATER.

Hank Marcus blindfolded. Tino introduces daughter, Lilia, to the man who killed her daughter, his grand-daughter. Lilia instinctively tries to kill him. Fails. Hank wounded. Tino has other plans. Lilia frustrated.

22. TV SCREEN.

Reports on disappearance of Senator Marcus’s son.

23. INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM.

Hank Marcus still being held. Tino and Lilia plan his “trip” into the world of drugs’ supply.

24-26. EXT-INT. CULIACÁN. DAY & NIGHT.

Hank Marcus on trip of discovery of reality of drug supply. Tino and Lilia are his guides. The trip is filmed with Lilia’s phone. Uploaded to internet with anti-drug war commentary by Tino.

27. INT. SENATOR MARCUS’ OFFICE. DAY.

Senator Marcus contacts friends in DEA to organize visit to Culiacán to search for his son.

28. EXT. STREET. NIGHT.

Informer within DEA calls Cartel to warn of Senator Marcus’s visit.

29. EXT. CULIACÁN AIRPORT. EVENING.

Senator Marcus arrives incognito. Picked up in anonymous-looking car. Former DEA colleague at the wheel.

30. EXT. STREET FEW BLOCKS FROM AIRPORT. SAME.

Road-block. Driver shot dead. Senator Marcus seized and driven away.

31. INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM. NIGHT.

Senator dumped in underground room. His son is a few yards away in a neighboring room.

32. INT. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME NIGHT.

Tino gets call, telling him Senator Marcus has arrived. Tino tells Lilia. She is not interested. Wants to finish the job with Hank Marcus, the Senator’s son.

33. US TV NEWS.

Whereabouts of Senator Marcus unknown, following disappearance of son.

ACT THREE: Lilia finds herself up against the DEA and the Sinaloa Cartel as she campaigns on social media for an end to drug war.

34. INT. CARTEL BUNKER. DAY.

Senator Marcus being held by gunmen. Lilia enters bunker to deal again with Hank Marcus. Senator Marcus recognizes her as his former lover. Calls her name. Plastic surgery and name change makes him unrecognizable. Lilia in shock.

35. LILIA’S HOUSE. SAME DAY.

Lilia reports to her dad, Tino, on her discovery. Tino disturbed. Does not explain why.

36. INT. BAR. NIGHT.

Tino and his Cartel contact drinking. Tino explains DEA agent is back in Culiacán.

37. etc.

Cartel want him dead. Lilia mixed feelings. Decides to protect him. Gets him to a safe house.

38. etc. Lilia and Senator Marcus start as enemies, but end up as allies. Senator Marcus sees tragic errors of the drug war.

39. etc. Lilia’s online postings getting a following world-wide. Calls for end of drug war. Provokes opposition from drug cartels, DEA, United Nation.

40. etc. Lilia being targeted. Senator Marcus trying to protect her.

ACT FOUR: Lilia is murdered by DEA/Sinaloa Cartel working together. Senator Marcus returns to US with his freed son. He now has an anti-drug war message. Lilia’s legacy is global demands to end the drug war.

[WORK IN PROGRESS]

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Beat Sheet – Draft 1.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that it made me aware of how many elements have to be in place before drafting a line of dialogue. It particularly highlighted for me the importance of having clearly defined protagonist and antagonist journeys before going any further.

2. Beat Sheet

ACT ONE: Lilia (Protagonist), a loving, caring single-mother, working hard to help her daughter escape poverty.

PJ 1: Starts as a hard-working mother, living in poverty. When she faces up to Mexican soldiers and police we see her strength of character, sense of justice and fighting spirit. Determines to get revenge for death of daughter.

AJ: Mark (Antagonist). A Senator defending his son against accusations of taking drugs. Scheming: tells son to blame the dead Mexican girl for importing the drugs that killed her at his son’s drug-fueled party.

Deeper level: Questioning the drug war and how it impacts ordinary Mexicans.

Inciting incident: Lilia’s daughter dies of drug overdose while a scholarship student in the US.

ACT TWO: Senator’s son kidnapped and brought to Culiacán.

PJ: Now going to an extreme in search for justice and revenge.

AJ: Goes very low profile to return to Mexico to seek out his son. Realizes he can’t make false accusations that go unpunished.

Deeper Level: Lilia is not just up against the man who killed her daughter, but the whole system that maintains the drug war.

Inciting incident: Senator uses his DEA contacts to arrange a clandestine return to Culiacán to find his son.

ACT THREE: Lilia finds herself up against the DEA and the Sinaloa Cartel as she campaigns on social media for an end to drug war.

PJ: Lilia goes from anonymity to high profile as she becomes an “influencer” on social media.

AJ: Wakes up to the hypocrisy of the drug war that goes after suppliers but not consumers.

Deeper level: the relationship between Protagonist and Antagonist comes back to haunt them. There are forces at play (including the United Nations Organization) that do not approve of Lilia’s campaign.

Inciting incident: Lilia begins to receive anonymous death threats

ACT FOUR: Lilia is murdered by DEA/Sinaloa Cartel working together. Antagonist returns to US with his freed son.

PJ: Even after her death, Lilia continues to influence. She becomes the Mahsa Amini (the Iranian woman murdered for not wearing the hijab) of the campaign to end the dictatorship of the drug war.

AJ: Transformation complete, from drug-war hawk to campaigner for decriminalizing drugs.

Deeper level: The struggle continues.

END.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Deeper Level.

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment is that I do have deeper levels, but I still have to work out how they influence the surface story and where in the story do they show up. Also, one of the deeper levels involves the anti-drugs-war message, and I want to get that message across through action not words.

2.

Surface layer: A grieving, single-mother seeks revenge for the death of her daughter.

Deeper layer: 1. The young man responsible for her daughter’s death is the son of her former lover. The daughter may be his daughter too. 2. The Protagonist’s search to escape poverty and the USA as her goal. 3. The Protagonist’s discovery of the absurdity and murderous nature of the drug war.

Major reveal: The father of the young man who caused her daughter’s death discovers that, in an earlier life, he was the mother’s lover.

Influences surface story: When the true identity of the father is discovered, the Protagonist’s mission changes. She now also wants closure on the relationship she had with the man. She suffers conflicting emotions. Also, his DEA links give her a new target.

Hints: In early scenes, the mother’s father refers to a “gringo” who dumped her. Also, she is recognized by another DEA agent. How does he know her?

Changes reality: She cannot cold-bloodedly murder her daughter’s ‘murderer’.

3.

Beginning: The Protagonist defends the women working in a fentanyl lab being destroyed by Mexican soldiers in the presence of DEA agents. One of the agents recognizes her.

Inciting incident: Protagonist’s daughter dies of drug overdose at college party.

Act 2: Just surface story: the Protagonist seeking revenge by having young college student kidnapped and taken to Mexico.

Turning point 2 / mid-point: The father of the college student (a US Senator and former DEA agent) turns up in Mexico seeking his son. But we discover he was once the Protagonist’s lover. Indeed, he might even be the father of the dead girl.

Act 3: Protagonist and Senator/ex-DEA agent go from being deadly enemies to allies in her mission to end the drug war, and thus destroy the DEA.

Turning point 3: The Protagonist discovers she is on the death-list of the organizations her campaign threatens: the DEA, the United Nations and the Sinaloa Cartel.

Act 4 Climax: The Protagonist is murdered by people the Senator/ex-DEA agent knows. Once again, the Protagonist has been let down in a major way by him because of the people he works for.

Resolution: The Senator/ex-DEA agent feels a posthumous duty to the Protagonist and sets out to continue her fight against the drug war.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Character Structure.

5. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment is that it helped me to work on my story structure and see if it works in macro terms. Still some points for fine-tuning.

3. Protagonist:

Beginning: Hard-working single mum in Culiacán, Mexico, Lilia, striving to ensure a better future for her daughter.

Inciting incident: Death of her daughter in the US college where she is a scholarship student.

Turning point 1: Abduction of US college student who caused her daughter’s death.

Act 2: Getting slow revenge against daughter’s killer, exposing him to the truth of drug supply.

Turning point 2 / Midpoint: College student’s father (Antagonist) is a senator and a hawk in the drugs war, but also a former DEA agent. Arrives back in Culiacán to look for his son.

Act 3: Lilia becomes an Influencer in the war against the drugs war.

Turning point 3: Comes face to face with Senator again. We discover that they were lovers when he was with DEA in Culiacán and before he left Culiacán to escape the Cartel and changed his identity and underwent plastic surgery to cover his tracks.

Act 4 Climax: Lilia is murdered in a plot hatched by the DEA/Sinaloa Carte/ UNODC (UN Office on Drugs & Crime).

Resolution: Posthumous heroine and symbol.

4. Antagonist:

Beginning: (Before movie begins) DEA Agent in Culiacán. Having affair with Protagonist (Lilia). Forced to leave Mexico and undergo plastic surgery and name change to avoid being killed by Sinaloa Cartel.

Inciting incident: Death of Mexican girl (Lilia’s daughter, but also his daughter!) at son’s party in family home. Goes on TV accusing Mexicans of bringing in drugs.

Turning point 1: “Disappears” to Mexico to search for his son.

Act 2: In Culiacán, re-discovering his old stamping ground. Meets Lilia again.

Turning point 2 / Midpoint: Undergoes gradual change in views concerning the drugs war.

Act 3: Together with Lilia explores the real world of drug supply. Realizes supply is driven by demand, not the reverse.

Turning point 3: Finds his son.

Act 4 Climax: Considers taking Lilia back with him to the US, but Lilia murdered by the DEA and Sinaloa Cartel working together.

Resolution: Returns to the US with his son. Now a high-profile advocate of de-criminalizing drugs. Son totally turned off taking any more drugs.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Supporting Characters.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is how it helps me to think about my characters before writing a word of dialogue to ensure that they contribute to the High Concept. Also, it has shown me that my story is still not complete and other supporting characters could emerge as I move forward with the project.

3.

Support 1.

– Name: Maria.

– Role: Protagonist’s daughter.

– Main purpose: It is her death that is the spark, the Turning Point, that leads her mother, the Protagonist, into her war against the drugs war.

– Value: Serves as an example of the internal contradictions in the drugs war.

Support 2.

– Name: Clark.

– Role: Senator’s son.

– Main purpose: He causes Maria’s death by forcing her to take drugs.

– Value: A junior Hunter Biden, providing a clear example of the hypocrisy of the drugs war and thus a target for the Protagonist.

Support 3.

– Name: Tino.

– Role: Protagonist’s father.

– Main purpose: Teaches the Protagonist, his daughter, the ways of the world, particularly the ways of the drug war, and ideas on how to achieve her target.

– Value: As someone who has not only partaken in a suffered from the drugs war, but has also read about the subject, he provides the “intellectual” justifications for what the Protagonist will undertake to do.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Character Profile: Part 2.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that this process provokes new ideas about my characters and new twists to my story. It is very stimulating.

2. Protagonist.

A. The High Concept: A Mexican woman launches a war, against the drugs war, and threatens job security in the DEA.

B. This character’s journey: From a hard-working, single mum whose only concern is to escape poverty to a high-profile campaigner to end the most expensive war now being fought – the drugs war.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character:

1. Cause an actor to be known for the role? She’s a woman from a humble background who becomes a threat to big government and to the drug war.

3. A. Lilia.

1. Role in the story: Protagonist.

2. Age range and description: Early 40s. Good looking.

3. Core traits: Anxious; determined; a fighter.

4. Motivation: Want/Need: Avenge the death of her daughter.

5. Wound: Rejection by her lover, the DEA agent.

6. Likability: She devotes herself to her daughter; she’s a hard-worker and doesn’t give up; she is fighting against the odds, with determination and grit.

Relatability: She is a type of Joan of Arc, fighting powerful forces and we know many people like her who have been hurt by people in power and try to fight back.

Empathy: We feel for her struggling to escape poverty; we feel for her loss at the death of her only child; we want her to get revenge for the killing of her daughter; we see her fighting against evil powers, and we support her struggle.

7. Character sub-text: Hiding something: her daughter’s father is the DEA agent who became a US senator and whom she now threatens to kill.

8. Character Intrigue:

Unspoken wound: being dumped by the DEA agent.

Conspiracy: she was a hooker who worked for the Cartel to trap DEA agents.

9. Flaw: She can become soft-hearted when she needs to be tough.

10. Values: family & justice.

11. Character dilemma: because of her poverty, she sometimes has to do things for money that go against her values.

3. B. Luis Sandoval.

1. Role in the story: Antagonist. US Senator.

2. Age range and description: Mid-50s.

3. Core traits: Arrogant; the end justifies the means

4. Motivation: Want/Need: Move up in the world of US politics.

5. Wound: Inferiority complex; legacy of his poor origins in Mexico.

6. Likability: We gradually discover he was forced to leave Lilia, but still has feelings for her; he is ready to change his opinions about the drug war as he encounters the reality of it; at the end, he is ready to sacrifice power and money for the truth.

Relatability: We all know people who had to make hard choices in life; he lied to protect his son.

Empathy: We feel for him as he goes through the painful discovery of the harm the drug war is causing.

7. Character sub-text:

Hiding something: he knows the DEA is corrupt and that the drugs war is a fraud.

8. Character intrigue:

Secret: still loves the Mexican woman (Lilia) he was forced to leave behind.

9. Flaw: Conformist; accepts unquestioningly the prevailing “narrative”. (Makes him the opposite of the Protagonist, Lilia).

10. Values:

Family (exactly like the Protagonist, Lilia).

Duty to the DEA.

11. Internal Dilemma: Suffers a cultural confusion. Feels Mexican in the US and a gringo in Mexico.

3.C. Triangle Character – Tino Hernandez.

1. Role in the story: Protagonist’s father.

2. Age range and description: Late 60s. Aged but still strong.

3. Core traits: Devoted to Lilia, his daughter.

4. Motivation: Want/Need: Defend his family from all enemies, however powerful.

5. Wound: Lost several friends in the drug war.

6. Likability: He is a loving father.

Relatability: He wants to protect the people he loves.

Empathy: He emerges from retirement to provide decisive support to his daughter’s struggle for justice.

7. Character sub-text:

Intense hatred for gringos (because he was imprisoned in USA).

8. Character intrigue: now peacefully retired, but he was once a skilled killer for the cartel.

9. Flaw:

His instinctive hatred for authority of any kind, leads him to act before thinking.

10. Values:

Family (shared with Protagonist & Antagonist).

Freedom.

11. Internal Dilemma:

Powerless (until now) to implement his ideas.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Character Profile: Part 1.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that, as I thought about my characters, I discovered new twists in my story. Also, the Triangle character came out of thinking about this assignment.

2. Protagonist.

A. The High Concept: A Mexican woman launches a war, against the drugs war, and threatens job security in the DEA.

B. This character’s journey: From a hard-working, single mum whose only concern is to escape poverty to a high-profile campaigner to end the most expensive war now being fought – the drugs war.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character:

1. Cause an actor to be known for the role? She’s a woman from a humble background who becomes a threat to big government and to the drug war.

2. One of most interesting characters? She’s on a personal mission and will brook no opposition.

3. Most interesting actions: Kidnapping a US senator.

4. Introduction? She goes toe-to-toe with Mexican soldiers and DEA agents during the destruction of a fentanyl lab.

5. Emotional range: From loving and vulnerable to cold-blooded and vengeful.

6. Sub-text: She doesn’t want to be a fighter, she just wants someone to love.

7. Most interesting relationship: With her ex-lover, the DEA agent who is now the US senator she has kidnapped.

Antagonist.

A. The High Concept: A Mexican woman launches a war, against the drugs war, and threatens job security in the DEA.

B. This character’s journey: Goes from being a cynical politician, using the drug war to advance his career to someone who realizes the death and misery that war has caused and does a 180 degree change.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character:

1. Cause an actor to be known for the role?

2. One of most interesting characters? He’s a mixture of things. A Mexican almost totally converted into a gringo; from poor background but now in the political elite; a man facing challenges to policies he’d always taken for granted.

3. Most interesting actions: Speaking on TV to defend his drug-taking son; making a public statement against the drug war that he had always championed.

4. Introduction? On live TV defending his son after the death, in his house, of the young Mexican girl from drugs.

5. Emotional range: From cold and cynical to warm and empathetic.

6. Sub-text: He has an inferiority complex due to his poor, Latino past.

7. Most interesting relationship: With Lilia, the Protagonist, his ex-girlfriend and now his kidnapper.

Triangle character.

A. The High Concept: A Mexican woman launches a war, against the drugs war, and threatens job security in the DEA.

B. This character’s journey: From tranquil retirement to high-speed re-engagement with the violent world of the drugs cartel, his former employer.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character:

1. Cause an actor to be known for the role? She’s a woman from a humble background who becomes a threat to big government and to the drug war.

2. One of most interesting characters? On the surface he is an old man, but we discover he has lost little of his physical force and none of his smarts.

3. Most interesting actions: Engineering the kidnapping of the US senator.

4. Introduction:

5. Emotional range: Placid, content retiree to fired-up and violent operator.

6. Sub-text: He used to be part of the cartel.

7. Most interesting relationship: With his daughter, the Protagonist, but also with former friends in the drug cartel.

3. A. Lilia.

1. Role in the story: Protagonist.

2. Age range and description: Early 40s. Good looking.

3. Core traits: Anxious; determined; a fighter.

4. Motivation: Want/Need: Avenge the death of her daughter.

5. Wound: Rejection by her lover, the DEA agent.

6. Likability: She devotes herself to her daughter; she’s a hard-worker and doesn’t give up; she is fighting against the odds, with determination and grit.

Relatability: She is a type of Joan of Arc, fighting powerful forces and we know many people like her who have been hurt by people in power and try to fight back.

Empathy: We feel for her struggling to escape poverty; we feel for her loss at the death of her only child; we want her to get revenge for the killing of her daughter; we see her fighting against evil powers, and we support her struggle.

3. B. Luis Sandoval.

1. Role in the story: Antagonist. US Senator.

2. Age range and description: Mid-50s.

3. Core traits: Arrogant; the end justifies the means

4. Motivation: Want/Need: Move up in the world of US politics.

5. Wound: Inferiority complex; legacy of his poor origins in Mexico.

6. Likability: We gradually discover he was forced to leave Lilia, but still has feelings for her; he is ready to change his opinions about the drug war as he encounters the reality of it; at the end, he is ready to sacrifice power and money for the truth.

Relatability: We all know people who had to make hard choices in life; he lied to protect his son.

Empathy: We feel for him as he goes through the painful discovery of the harm the drug war is causing.

3.C. Tino Hernandez.

1. Role in the story: Protagonist’s father.

2. Age range and description: Late 60s. Aged but still strong.

3. Core traits: Devoted to Lilia, his daughter.

4. Motivation: Want/Need: Defend his family from all enemies, however powerful.

5. Wound: Lost several friends in the drug war.

6. Likability: He is a loving father.

Relatability: He wants to protect the people he loves.

Empathy: He emerges from retirement to provide decisive support to his daughter’s struggle for justice.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that it helped me continue to discover my characters and to develop my story. In particular, thinking of my Antagonist’s L/R/E led me to discover new twists in my story.

2. Protagonist.

Likability: She devotes herself to her daughter; she’s a hard-worker and doesn’t give up; she is fighting against the odds, with determination and grit.

Relatability: She is a type of Joan of Arc, fighting powerful forces and we know many people like her who have been hurt by people in power and try to fight back.

Empathy: We feel for her struggling to escape poverty; we feel for her loss at the death of her only child; we want her to get revenge for the killing of her daughter; we see her fighting against evil powers and we support her struggle.

3. Antagonist.

Likability: We gradually discover he was forced to leave Lilia, but still has feelings for her; he is ready to change his opinions about the drug war as he encounters the reality of it; at the end, he is ready to sacrifice power and money for the truth.

Relatability: We all know people who had to make hard choices in life; he lied to protect his son.

Empathy: We feel for him as he goes through the painful discovery of the harm the drug war is causing.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Character Intrigue.

4. Vision of success from this program: I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that, once again, it allowed me to explore my character and come up with traits and sub-text as well as new twists in my story. However, there is one twist I came up with that might be too big a coincidence (the relationship between the Protagonist and Antagonist). But, as Hal says, “different versions of these layers will naturally emerge.”

2. Character name: Lilia.

Role: Protagonist.

Hidden agenda: Avenging the death of her daughter is her priority, but she also wants to get revenge on the DEA agent with whom she had an affair in the past and who dumped her.

Secrets: When she was having an affair with the DEA agent, she stole papers that remained in a draw for years, but which can now provide her with powerful ammunition.

Unspoken wound: She still feels the wound of rejection by her ex-lover. He had promised her a comfortable life in the US, but left her in poverty in Mexico.

Character name: Senator Brent Carlson

Role: Antagonist.

Secrets: Was a drug user in his youth especially during Spring break in Mexico. Lied about all his adult life.

Secret identity: Was the DEA agent in Mexico who had an affair with Lilia. He had to change his name and undergo plastic surgery to protect him from Mexican cartels.

Unspoken wound: Still in love with Lilia whom the DEA forced him to drop.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Subtext characters.

4. I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that it helped me discover more about my character and give her more depth and added intrigue.

2.

Title: THE INTERPRETER

Character name: Sylvia Broome

Subtext identity: An Interpreter at United Nations Headquarters who used to be an armed freedom fighter.

Subtext trait: Politically savvy. An affair with high-level politician

Subtext logline: She says she prefers words over guns, but now she’s holding a gun to the head of the man responsible for her brother’s death.

Possible areas of sub-text: In early scene, her African past revealed in her knowledge of the language. The fact that she has sub-text is shown by Secret Service Agent’s (Sean Penn) question, “Who is she?”

3.

Character name: Lilia

Subtext identity: A hard-working Mexican single mother who once had an affair with a DEA agent.

Subtext trait: Hard-nosed; ruthless; not averse to physical violence.

Subtext logline: Her daughter dies of drugs in the house of a US senator who is a hawk in the drug war, so she uses her connections in the cartel to get revenge.

Possible areas of sub-text:

Act 1: confronting armed soldiers though see appears to be a harmless woman.

Act 2: on hearing of her daughter’s death, she revives her contacts with the cartel.

Act 3: she uses what she learned from her past relationship with a DEA agent against the DEA.

Act 4: the revenge scenario shows she is more than the protective mother we saw in earlier scenes.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Actor Attractors.

4. I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that it gave me the right parameters on which to base the construction of my character. It got me thinking more about my Protagonist and Antagonist and what I needed to include to make their roles attractive to actors.

6.

Character: Lilia. Protagonist.

1. Cause an actor to be known for the role?

A woman from a humble background, she threatens the future of the drug war.

2. Most interesting?

She’s on a personal mission and will brook no opposition.

3. Most interesting actions:

Kidnapping a US senator.

4. Introduction?

We see her going toe-to-toe with armed soldiers to stop them arresting other women.

5. Emotional range:

From maternal tenderness to murderous wrath.

6. Sub-text: [work in progress]

7. Most interesting relationships:

With the US Senator whom she educates in the reality of the drugs market. She goes from wanting him dead to making him her ally.

8. Unique voice:

Not afraid to speak against authority. Great repartee.

9. Special and Unique:

– with little education, she manages to outsmart big government.

– gives voice to millions who suffer as a result of the drug war.

– fearless.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Genre Conventions.

6. I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

7. What I learned from this assignment is that, again, like earlier assignments in this module, this is a great way to stimulate me to think about my story before writing a word of dialogue. As I worked on this assignment new story ideas came to me, making it, I think, far more interesting. This is an exciting approach, with great potential.

In re-working my outline using the Drama genre conventions, I have built up my Protagonist’s personal experiences and suffering and also her daughter’s, heightening the emotional stakes. I still have a lot of work to do on her Internal Journey.

2.

Title: The Phony War. (one of many on my list of potential titles).

Concept: A Mexican woman launches her own drugs war – against the DEA.

Genre: DRAMA.

5. Improvements from genre conventions are underlined.

Act 1:

· Opening: Lilia is working hard to earn a living to get her daughter out of poverty. As she walks home through the poor, unpaved streets of Culiacan, she walks straight into a military operation to destroy a fentanyl lab. DEA agents are present. Lilia (previously unaware of the lab’s existence) witnesses the raid and tries to shield her daughter from the violence, which includes the shooting to death of one man and the violent arrest of two women. Arriving home, her daughter announces that she has won the scholarship to study in the USA.

· Inciting incident: Lilia’s daughter has made it to college in the US on a scholarship. She is settling in to college life in a new country, determined to study hard, but assailed by fellow students who are just interested in getting high. Despite her refusal, they force her, and she dies of a drug overdose in a party hosted by the son of a US senator, a hawk in the drug war.

· Turning point: The US Senator tells his son to claim it was the Mexican girl who brought the drugs. Lilia watches US senator on TV not only condemning Mexicans for the US drug problem, but accusing her daughter of supplying the drugs that killed her. Lilia decides on revenge.

Act 2:

· New plan: Lilia makes contact with the Sinaloa Cartel, to have the senator’s son kidnapped and brought to Culiacán.

· Plan in action: This costs money, so Lilia agrees to enter US as an illegal immigrant, carrying drugs for the Cartel. She uses some of the drugs to pay off the CBP agents. Once in the US, she sells the drugs to a criminal gang that can also engineer the kidnapping of the young student responsible for the death of Lilia’s daughter.

· Midpoint turning point: Due to a mishap, the gang kidnaps the Senator instead of his son.

Act 3

· Rethink everything: Lilia has to decide what to do with this much higher value prey.

· New plan: Lilia decides, with the help of the gang, to take the Senator back to Culiacán to give him a real education in drugs. There she uses him to launch a media campaign against the drugs war.

· Turning point (huge failure/major shift): After his experience in Culiacán, the Senator changes his opinions on the drugs war. Lilia engineers interviews with him that are posted on social media. But this makes her enemies in two major institutions with financial interests in the drugs war: the DEA and the United Nations. They try to cancel her.

Act 4 (To be completed)

· Climax (ultimate expression of the conflict): To make sure she’s listened to, she plots to make the DEA agent pull the trigger on the Senator. The video is published on social media with Lilia’s message: the DEA finally gets it right – eliminate the consumer and there’ll be no supply.

· Resolution: A media campaign to end the drugs war starts to gain traction and powerful voices are raised in favor of Lilia’s policy to end the drug war.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s 4-Act Transformational Structure.

5. I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment is that, while I don’t feel ready, it forced me to start thinking in more depth about my story. This structure will probably change before I start to write the script, but at least I know what sort of structure I must have.

2. Concept: A Mexican woman launches her own drugs war – against the DEA.

Main Conflict: Between Lilia, Protagonist, who is campaigning to end the drugs war against, Julio, who pretends to support her but is in fact a DEA agent.

Old Ways:

Narrow horizons, limited to getting her daughter out of poverty.

Fighting to survive.

Not question authority.

Unaware of the politics of the drug war.

New Ways:

She has a mission: avenge her daughter’s death.

Leading a fight with global implications.

Fearless.

Determined to show up the drugs war for what it is – a phony war.

Act 1:

· Opening: A fentanyl lab in a poor neighborhood in Culiacán is destroyed by Mexican soldiers in presence of DEA agents. One of the neighbors, Lilia (unaware of the lab’s existence) witnesses the raid and tries to shield her daughter from the violence.

· Inciting incident: Lilia’s daughter has made it to college in the US on a scholarship, but soon dies of a drug overdose in a party hosted by the son of a US senator, a hawk in the drug war.

· Turning point: Lilia watches US senator on TV condemn Mexicans for the US drug problem, accusing her daughter of supplying the drugs. Lilia decides on revenge.

Act 2:

· New plan: Lilia makes contact with the Sinaloa Cartel, to have the senator’s son kidnapped and brought to Culiacán.

· Plan in action: Lilia has to prostitute herself to raise the funds. One of her client’s turns out to be a DEA agent. He tells her secrets about DEA operations. This begins to open her eyes about how filthy the drug war is. She steals his wallet so as to investigate him as part of her Lilia pays the Cartel to have the senator’s on kidnapped and brought back to Culiacán.

· Midpoint turning point: Lilia gets convincing proof that the DEA is not her ally, but a big cog in the drug trade machinery. Narrowly escapes assassination, arranged by her DEA client.

Act 3

· Rethink everything: The DEA is the enemy, not an ally.

· New plan: Lilia starts to post clips on social media highlighting the hypocrisy of the drug war that punished the suppliers but not the consumers.

· Turning point (huge failure/major shift): She has made enemies of two major financial interests – thousands of jobs in the DEA and UN depend on the continued drugs war. They try to cancel her.

Act 4

· Climax (ultimate expression of the conflict): To make sure she’s listened to, she plots to make the DEA agent pull the trigger on the senator’s son. The video is published on social media with Lilia’s message: “The DEA finally gets it right – eliminate the consumer and there will be no supply.”

· Resolution: A media campaign to end the drugs war starts to gain traction and powerful voices are raised in favor of Lilia’s policy to end the drug war.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Sub-Text Plot.

4. I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that, like earlier assignments, it starts me thinking about new dimensions to the story or radically changes some aspects. Excellent assignment!

2. Concept: A young Mexican woman launches her own drugs war – against the drug-traffickers in the DEA.

Sub-plots:

No. 3: Someone hides who they are.

No. 5. Superior position.

3.

Someone hides who they are: Once Lilia is fully committed to her war against the DEA, a man befriends her saying he supports her ideas and wants to help her, but he turns out to be with the DEA and his mission is to sabotage her campaign, and, if necessary, eliminate her.

Superior position: The audience discovers the true identity of this new “ally” before the Protagonist does.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Transformational Journey.

5. I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

6. What I learned from this assignment is that it is a brilliant way to start thinking about my Protagonist before writing a word of dialogue. Again, it has made me re-think my Protagonist.

2. Character Arc: Protagonist – Lilia.

– Arc Beginning: A single mother totally and exclusively concerned with ensuring her daughter does not have to live the life of poverty she has endured.

– Arc Ending: The leading agitator in a movement she started to bring down the DEA.

3. Internal Journey: Naïve and easily intimidated to totally disabused and as tough as nails.

External Journey: From totally unknown to international fame, but with powerful enemies.

4.

Old Ways:

Narrow horizons.

Fighting to survive.

Not question authority.

Unaware of the politics of the drug war.

New Ways:

Leading a fight with global implications.

Fearless.

A danger to the survival of the DEA.

Determined to end the phony drugs war.

END.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Intentional Lead Characters.

4. I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that it totally changed the profile of my protagonist.

2. Title: Here’s the DEA-L.

3.

Character: Lilia. Protagonist.

Logline: A Mexican mother launches her own war on drugs when her daughter dies of an overdose, but quickly discovers that the cartels have a powerful ally – the DEA.

Unique: Her grief at the loss of her daughter arms her with the courage to risk her own life to unmask corruption in the DEA.

Character: José. Antagonist.

Logline: A DEA agent with a thirst for money, women and drugs discovers that a woman with a mortal grudge is about to call an end to the party.

Unique: Vicious but charming, he has to deploy both qualities equally to avoid being sent to jail or to his grave.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Title, Concept and Character Structure.

4. I want to write scripts that become movies that change people’s lives.

5. What I learned from this assignment is that too many of my concepts still read like loglines.

2. Title: DON’T EVEN ASK!

He served for years in the drug war only to discover that the biggest cartel is the DEA.

3. Character Structure: Protagonist vs Antagonist(s).

END

[Paul McGregor]

GROUP RELEASE FORM

I, Paul McGregor, as a member of this group, agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

Paul McGregor

mcgregor16

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Scary-as-Hell scene.

3. What I learned from this assignment is how it helps to start with deciding on the emotion you want to cause and then move to the action that provokes that emotion. Excellent!

Title: No-Man’s Land

INT. BAR ON THE MAINLAND. NIGHT.

Customers are mainly men. At the bar, a small group is listening intently an EFFIMINATE MAN.

EFFEMINATE MAN

And I swear, they don’t charge much.

MAINLAND MAN 1

I’m in!

[Suspense]

MAINLAND MAN 2

Sounds too good to be true to me.

MAINLAND MAN 3

Oh, come on! When did you last get laid? At least a decade ago by the looks of you!

General laughter.

MAINLAND MAN 3

It’s a deal. Let’s go!

EFFEMINATE MAN

And I’m picking up the tab.

The Effeminate Man leans over the bar to the bar-maid and settles the check for the whole group.

MAINLAND MAN 1

Look, guys! I told you it was a good deal.

The group hustles out of the bar. The Effeminate Man leads them across the road to the pier where a small boat awaits them.

EFFEMINATE MAN

All aboard for the time of your lives!

The mainland men walk up the gangway onto the deck. Suddenly:

[Scare]

MAINLAND MAN 2

Aghhh!

He stares at two red eyes, apparently suspended in mid-air. The Amazon steps forward into the light, smiling coquettishly.

[Release]

AMAZON 1

Welcome aboard!

MAINLAND MAN 2

Oh, god! Thought you were the devil for a moment.

EFFEMINATE MAN

Relax! I told you. You’re gonna have the time of your lives.

Other Amazons emerge from the shadows and each takes a man seductively by the arm.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE A BROTHEL. SAME.

The group has reached the island and is brought by the Effeminate Man and the Amazons to a brightly-lit brothel. As soon as they enter, they realize it’s not exactly what they expected. Like the Coliseum in ancient Rome, men are being dragged into the center of a large room, one by one. Frantic women are screaming for blood or testicles.

FEMALE MC

(Pointing to the man who has just been dragged in)

Execute or castrate?

WOMEN’S SCREAM

Execute! Execute!

FEMALE MC

Are you sure?

WOMEN’S SCREAM

Execute! Execute!

WOMAN IN CROWD

My turn! My turn.

The newly arrived, mainland men look on in horror. They try to escape, but the Amazons have a firm grip. They are forced to look on in horror as a woman from the crowd steps forward and takes the blood-stained knife from the MC and plunges it into the man’s chest.

[Hysteria]

The mainland men fight with their captors, but there are too many women against too few men.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Scares, Release and Creepy Moments.

4. What I learned from this assignment is how it provides excellent sign-posts, helping, once again, to ensure my script contains the ingredients of a horror movie.

Title: No Man’s Land

INT. THE LYONS’ HOUSE. NIGHT.

Mrs Lyons is attending the mandatory workshop, “Eliminating outdated relics of masculinity in society.” Jack Lyons and his father-in-law are watching TV. The sound is low, so as not to attract attention. The local mayoress is being interviewed.

TV INTERVIEWER V.O.

Madam mayoress, can you update our viewers on your office’s latest successes in eliminating bearers of the Y chromosome?

MAYORESS V.O.

We’re making major strides. Our brave Amazons are going door to door, risking their lives to search out and destroy the enemy.

JACK

(Almost weeping)

Those bitches killed my son!

He gets up and switches off the TV. Suddenly female voices are heard outside the house. Jack and his father-in-law signal to each other to keep quiet.

FEMALE VOICE 1 V.O.

Hush! Did you hear that?

FEMALE VOICE 2 V.O.

It’s from inside here. Sounded like Y chromosomes to me.

FATHER-IN-LAW

(In a hushed, panic-stricken voice)

Amazons!

Jack signals to their hide-out under the stairs. The two men tiptoe over towards it.

FEMALE VOICE 1 V.O.

Well, there’s no such thing as warrants anymore.

The two men, manage to escape into their hide-out just as the two smash the glass on the front-door and force their entry.

INT. THE HIDE-OUT. SAME.

Jack and his father-in-law sit in the dark, ears to the small door.

FEMALE VOICE 2 V.O.

The TV’s still warm. They’ve got to be around here somewhere. You check upstairs.

The two men hear the footsteps pass back and forth in front of their hide-out.

FATHER-IN-LAW

(Still in whispers)

We’re dead if they find us.

JACK

(Also whispering)

Sshh!

They feel something being dragged along the wall of their hideout. Suddenly a hatchet bursts through the wall, just missing Jack’s head. The hatchet carves out a whole in the wall. Jack and his father-in-law step out. They are surprised to find two men. The four men stare for a moment at each other.

[Relief]

JACK

Are we glad to see you!

FEMALE VOICE 1

Really?

FATHER-IN-LAW

Hell, for a moment there we thought you were women.

FEMALE VOICE 2

You were only half right.

Jack and his father-in-law share a glance.

[Creepy]

FEMALE VOICE 1

(Playing with the axe)

So what’s it to be? Execution or castration?

FADE OUT.

[Paul McGregor]

1. Name: Paul McGregor

2. How many scripts written?- 5

3. What you hope to get out of the class – really make a breakthrough in terms of producing a script that can sell.

4. something unique, special, strange or unusual about you: I’m an Irishman who ended up in Mexico.

[Paul McGregor]

CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT

1. Name: Paul McGregor

2. I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

Signed: Paul McGregor. 31st October 2022

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned from this assignment, was, once again, what bases you need to cover to make it real horror. However, from watching the movie The Purge, I’ve also learned that I need to improve my game to ensure there is minute-by-minute tension. I’m not there yet.

Title: No Man’s Land

EXT. RED LIGHT DISTRICT ON THE MAINLAND. NIGHT.

A small group of Amazons have come to harvest semen. They have shed their green uniforms and are pimping in front of a brothel. They are recognizable by the red glint in their eyes.

AMAZON 1

(To a passing man)

Looking for some fun?

The man turns and immediately notices those eyes.

CLIENT 1

I love those eyes! How can I say no?

The Amazon takes the client by the hand. Suddenly deathly screams are heard from inside.

CLIENT 1

(Pulling back on the Amazon’s grip)

Hey, what’s going on in there?

He tries to pull back but there’s no escaping the Amazon’s iron-fast grip.

AMAZON 1

That’s just someone having a lot of fun.

The client tries to resist her iron-grip.

AMAZON 1

(In a suave tone)

Relax. You’re gonna have the time of your life!

She forces him into the brothel.

INT. BROTHEL. SAME.

The place is dimly lit. The screams have suddenly ceased. A deadly silence prevails. The Amazon leads the Client down a corridor, past curtained cubicles. They hear a man climaxing, then AMAZON 2 emerges from one of the cubicles. She holding a bottle filled with semen.

AMAZON 2

(Shouting to unseen people at the back of the brothel)

I’ve got a number 1 in here!

Client 1 gets a peep into the cubicle and sees CLIENT 2 zipping up his pants. Amazon 1 pulls him into the next cubicle. It is bathed in a diffused, red light.

CLIENT 1

(Unbuttoning his shirt)

What’s a number 1?

AMAZON 1

(The soft tone on the street is replaced by tough commands)

You can keep your shirt on. Take off your pants!

Client 1 looks surprised, but undoes his belt.

CLIENT 1

The other places ask for payment up front.

AMAZON 1

(With her back to him)

Don’t worry. You’ll pay for this afterwards.

She turns around and has a small, empty bottle in her hand.

CLIENT 1

(Alarmed)

Hey, is this a brothel of a hospital?

Holding the bottle in one hand she puts the other in his crotch and begins to caress him, taking his mind off the bottle. Suddenly, another piercing scream rings out.

CLIENT 1

Someone’s being murdered!

Client 1 tries to pull away from the Amazon but she has him by the short and curlies.

AMAZON 1

(Again in a soothing tone)

I tell you, relax. Some men like it rough.

She pushes him back against the wall with surprising force and continues to masturbate him. The screaming stops. Amazon 2 addresses Amazon 1 from the other side of the cubicle curtain.

AMAZON 2 V.O.

What have you got in there? A 1 or a 2?

Amazon 1 looks into Client 1’s face with a seductive look.

AMAZON 1

Definitely a 2.

Client 1 is close to orgasm, but manages to get out:

CLIENT 1

What’ this… 1 or … 2 business?

As he ejaculates, Amazon 1 catches the sperm in the little bottle. She seals the bottle and comes close to Client 1, looking into his eyes with the red glint on fire in hers.

AMAZON 1

Simple. Kill or castrate. You’re lucky.

[PANIC]

Client 1 freezes as he’s pulling up his trousers.

AMAZON 1

(Shouting)

A number 2!

Amazon 2 and AMAZON 3 throw the cubicle curtain back and rush in, grabbing Client 1. They overpower him and pull him out of the cubicle. Amazon 2 holds up the bottle of semen, happy with the latest deposit to the No Man’s Land semen bank.

INT. BROTHEL CORRIDOR. SAME.

Client 1 struggles to escape, but the two Amazons have full control. At the end of the dark corridor is a door with a big number 2 written on it. The Amazons push the door open and pull Client 1 inside.

INT. CASTRATION ROOM. SAME.

[HORROR]

The dim light of the brothel is replaced by a glaring white light with a clinical atmosphere. About twenty men are squirming on chairs, their hands in there depleted groins, horrendous pain on their faces. From the operating room, a voice shouts out:

SURGEON

Next!

The two Amazons pull their prey towards the operating room. Client 1 tries to resist, but it is helpless.

INT. OPERATING THEATER. SAME.

A female surgeon and three nurses await their next victim. The surgeon is playing with a pair of scissors and looking at Client 1 with that red glare in her eye.

SURGEON

The thirtieth No.2 today.President Evily will be pleased! Get him ready!

The Amazons and nurses forcefully prepare Client 1 for castration. They tie him down on the operating table.

[HYSTERIA]

CLIENT 1

No! No! No!

SURGEON

(Putting on her operating gloves)

But you’ll be able to serve the government and people of No Man’s Land. Don’t you realize? It’s such an honor.

[ANGUISH]

The surgeon starts the procedure as the nurses stuff a mask over Client 1’s face. His struggling ceases as he slowly becomes sedated.

END

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene

3. What I learned from this assignment is, once again, that it helps to have these markers as I develop my story. Being aware of what is required to make a movie a horror movie, really helps.

4. Title: NO MAN’S LAND

INT. WAITING ROOM, OBGYN CLINIC. DAY.

Several women are sitting around. Some reading magazines, others checking their cell phones. Carol is standing against the wall, tense and nervous. The door opens and a NURSE enters with a small file.

NURSE

(Addressing one of the waiting women)

Jacquie Williams?

JACQUIE WILLIAMS

That’s me.

NURSE

It’s a girl. You carry on through to delivery. Report back here in two weeks.

The nurse exits.

JACQUIE WILLIAMS

Oh, no! That’s the last thing I wanted to hear!

The other women look on in sympathy as she gathers her things and leaves.

The women chatter. Carol remains apart, still nervous about the result of the gender-test. The nurse returns.

NURSE

Carol Jenkins?

[Suspense]

Carol raises her hand without saying a word.

NURSE

It’s male.

The women break out into shocked chatter.

NURSE

Report down the corridor to fix the abortion.

Carol stares in shock at the nurse.

NURSE

But there’s another problem. The likely date of conception.

CAROL

What about it?

[Suspense]

The women all share a giggle.

NURSE

Show me your No Man’s Land passport.

CAROL

I don’t have it with me.

NURSE

You do know that’s an offense?

Carol says nothing.

NURSE

We don’t have any insemination records. When you come for the abortion, they’re going to demand them.

The nurse turns to leave.

CAROL

(Fear in her voice)

I understand.

The nurse turns around and hands a paper to Carol.

NURSE

(Handing a sheet of paper to Carol)

Oh, and give them this.

Carol looks at the paper which she holds in her trembling hand. The words “Date of conception?!” are highlighted.

As Carol gets ready to go, the other women stare at her and exchange whispered comments.

WOMAN 1

Do you think she’s one of them?

WOMAN 2

I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes.

Carol exits.

INT. CORRIDOR OF SAME CLINIC. SAME.

[Fear]

Carol walks down the corridor and stops in front of a door marked: ABORTIONS.

[Dread]

Seeing the sign, Carol’s hand grips her stomach in a reflex movement. She looks again at the paper, opens the door and walks in.

END

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene

4. What I learned from this assignment is that it really helped in ensuring that I had covered all my bases, including the emotions a movie has to provoke to considered a horror movie.

Title: No Man’s Land

INT. BAR. NIGHT.

The bar is full of guys who have come to watch on TV the inauguration of the new president of their island state, Ms Evily, who campaigned on an androphobic platform.

MAN 1

Hey, let’s have some quiet!

MAN 2

Yeah, she’s gonna speak.

The bar quietens down as the men get ready to listen to the president’s inaugural speech.

FEMALE MC

I give you our new president, Ms Evily.

Ms Evily approaches the podium. The nearly all-female audience greet her with hysteric cheers.

PRESIDENT EVILY

Thank you, thank you…

MAN 3

God, she’s weird. Look at those eyes!

The camera picks up a reddish glint in Ms Evily’s eye. Men in the crowded bar shout their disapproval.

MAN 1

It’s not just the eyes.

[Anxiety]

MAN 2

Shut up! Let’s hear what she got to say.

The noise subsides again.

PRESIDENT EVILY Tonight marks a new chapter in our country’s history. A new chapter in humankind’s history. A new chapter for women.

[Apprehension]

MAN 1

And the end of the book for men!

Others in the crowded bar, echo his statement.

PRESIDENT EVILY

To mark this radical, progressive change, I now announce that my VicePresident, will not be my runningmate, Steven Jordan.

The TV camera focuses on the surprised expression on Steven Jordan’s face.

PRESIDENT EVILY (CONT’D)

No. I will always be consistent with my campaign promises. Women will replace men. I now proclaim Judy Ryan my vice-president.

An uproar of cheers in the audience on TV. The men in the bar look at each other, perplexed.

[Apprehension/Anxiety]

PRESIDENT EVILY (CONT’D)

And my second measure as president is to set the example in how we will deal with men – that plague on humanity.

Again, her eyes show a reddish glint.

PRESIDENT EVILY (CONT’D) Secret Service, do your duty!

Two female secret service agents rush across the stage and grab Steven Jordan. The audience applauses.

PRESIDENT EVILY (CONT’D)

What are you waiting for?

One of the secret service agents takes out her gun and shoots Jordan in the head. He falls to the ground to the sound of the female audience in ecstatic applause. His body is unceremoniously dragged off the stage.

[Shock]

Meanwhile, the men in the bar are in shock.

MAN 3

What the —-?!

MAN 1

I told you she meant business.

MAN 2

Hey, I need another drink.

Man 2 turns to the barmaid who is transfixed on the TV screen.

MAN 2 (CONT’D)

Excuse me, Miss. Another Sam Adams.

[Surprise]

The BARMAID turns around. Her eyes now have the same electric red glow as in Emily’s eyes. She has a fierce, violent expression on her face and has grabbed a corkscrew. She jumps over the bar and stabs the man in the jugular vein. He falls dead.

Before his friends can react the few women in the bar approach the men, pull out kitchen knives and stab the men at random.

[Shock]

Some men manage to escape with their lives. The women cheer as the men flee.

WOMEN

Death to men! Death to men! Death to men!

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Horror Outline Version 1

3. What I learned from this assignment was that my story still has many gaps in it.

No Man’s Land / The Androphobes

Act 1.

INT. LYONS’ HOUSE

Daughter Stephanie is in the kitchen doing her homework, as her mother, Carol is busy preparing a meal. Asks mother for help. Mother discovers the assignment is to write an essay on why men have always been detrimental to humankind, with examples. Mother horrified. Calls Jack, husband.

Jack busy watching TV. Calls Carol to watch. Presidential candidates’ debate. Ms Emily, representing the No Man’s Land Party tells how men are to be eliminated. Jack reacts with denial. Carol takes it seriously.

They hear son, Matthew, screaming. Run to kitchen. Stephanie has Matthew on the ground, almost throttling him. Father tries to pull her off. She turns on him and bites his hand. Blood flows. We see Stephanie’s eyes with evil hatred, as though she is possessed. Only allows her mother to approach her and calm her down. Matthew runs away.

INT. BAR. EVENING. DAYS LATER

Ms Evily has won the election. Men in bar watching her swearing-in. Announces some of her anti-men measures. Men laugh. As they laugh, Evily announces her male V-P will not be taking up the office. Female Special Service officer steps forward and shoots him in the head. Camera focuses on her and we see the same diabolically possessed look as in Stephanie. A woman is called forward as the new V-P, replacing the dead man. Men watch, transfixed. Then barmaids and female guests, all with the same transfixed look start to attack and kill the men with kitchen knives and corkscrews and broken bottles till all the men lie dead on the floor. The women all cheer, “Peace, love and harmony at last!”.

INT. LYONS’ HOUSE.

Carol and Jack woken up by shouts in the street outside. Green-clad Amazons are going door-to-door with testosterone-sniffing dogs to locate men. See men being dragged out of their homes, shot and bodies loaded onto flat-back truck. Jack wakes up son and father-in-law. Hide in cellar.

Turning-point: Matthew, thinking it’s all just a big joke, escapes through the cellar window. Is picked up by the Amazons. Carol runs out, pleads for his life. But they kill him. Daughter runs out. Is about to betray father and grandfather. Carol has to shut her up. Amazons with sniffer-dogs enter house. Carol manages to distract them from door to cellar. Carol, traumatized at the killing of her son, determined to do all she can to protect husband and father. But own daughter is fifth-column in the home.

ACT 2

INT. HOSPITAL WARD.

Carol turns up at work as nurse at hospital. Assigned to the castration ward. Men are led in hand-cuffs into the operating theater. The island state needs a quota of eunuchs for heavy work.

INT. LYONS’ HOME.

Women journalists on TV vaunting the most recent advances in implementing the no-man’s-land policies. Carol switches it off. Daughter switches it back on. Mother and daughter at odds. Daughter threatens to tell teacher about mother protecting husband and grand-father.

INT. CELLAR OF LYONS’ HOME.

Carol talks in whispers with father and husband. Have to leave. Can’t trust daughter. Knock at door.

INT. LYONS’ HOME.

Neighbor with daughter arrives. Updates Carol on situation on their street. No more men. Again, daughter about to snitch. Carol just about manages to keep her quiet.

INT. CELLAR OF LYONS’ HOME. NIGHT.

Jack and Carol’s father sneak out of house when daughter asleep.

INT. STEPHANIE’S SCHOOL. DAY.

Stephanie is in the library, removing all books written by men. Throws them on a bonfire in the school playground. Tells teacher her mother is hiding men.

INT. LYONS’ HOME. EVENING.

A group of Amazons arrive. All have the evil, possessed look in their eyes. Been tipped off by Stephanie’s school. Stephanie, directs them to the cellar. Its empty. Amazon’s leave. Stephanie shouts at mother with that evil, possessed look in her eyes.

EXT. FOREST. DAY.

Carol has taken time off work to visit husband in hide-away in forest. Jack and her father have joined group of other men, in hiding in underground shelter in forest. Carol brings food. Men starving. Carol updates them on situation. Men dispirited. Carol gives morale-booster talk.

EXT. PRESIDENTIAL RESIDENCE.

Turning point: President Evily arrives home in government limousine. Tells security detail they are not needed. Female bodyguards try to protest. She tells them to go home. Evily enters house. Has a secret male harem. She doesn’t walk the talk.

ACT 3

INT. HOSPITAL.

Carol witness to gender selection in maternity ward. Women expecting male baby are immediately sent for abortions. Women in nervous expectation of result of tests.

INT. LYONS’ HOME.

Carol and daughter watching TV news. Reports of women being executed for protecting male family-members. Stephanie cheers. Possessed, evil look returns to her eyes. Asks mother where her father and grand-father have gone. Carol claims she returned home to find house empty.

OTHER SCENES

Mass graves of men.

Boys dragged out of school for execution.

Sperm bank running short.

Women go to mainland to collect sperm.

ACT 4

Carol helps organize a small group of the men to launch attack on the Amazons, kill some, capture others.

INT. LYONS’ HOUSE.

Stephanie turns up dressed as an Amazon. Denounces her mother. Carol is taken away.

Fighting begins. Some men are killed, leaving only a small handful of resistors. Jack takes a leading role in the fighting.

This makes her even more determined. She leads the remaining small group of men and some women to take on the Amazons to overthrow the head of the feminist state. Outcome unknown when the movie ends.

INT. PRESIDENTIAL RESIDENCE.

Evily’s Amazon body-guards discover her secret male harem. Revolt begins.

Carol reappears. She had not been executed. Manages to rejoin her husband. Together they celebrate the death of Evily at the hands of her Amazon body-guards.

END (Very much work in progress).

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Monster Reveal Track

3. What I learned from this assignment was that, as well as developing my character profiles, it also helped me develop my story line and think up new twists. It has also got me thinking about new characters who will be added to those given below.

No Man’s Land / The Androphobes

1.

A. Character Profile

Ms EVILY

1. Role: President of island state.

2. Traits: Power-mad; dictatorial; cold-blooded;

3. Fears: Losing power; that people discover her inferiority complex;

4. Wants/needs: Be center of attention; sex.

5. Likability: Gains some sympathy when her sexual desire is discovered.

6. Reaction under stress: Violence; hits out at those around her.

7. Relationship with other characters: Total disregard for everyone except for the Monster whose instructions she is following.

CAROL

1. Role: Wife of Jack and mother of Melanie and Carl.

2. Traits: Loving; suspicious of authority; resilient; ready to risk her life to save those she loves.

3. Fears: politicians; death of the only man left in her family, her husband.

4. Wants/needs: love; a strong man.

5. Likability: She is defending what she loves against evil enemies with the power of the State behind them.

6. Reaction under stress: Fights back, but deeply stressed inside.

7. Relationship with other characters. lamb/lion; tender with those she loves – merciless with those who threaten her or her loved-ones.

JACK

1. Role: Carol’s husband.

2. Traits: would do anything for his wife; not as strong-willed as her

3. Fears: losing Carol; the State; physical violence.

4. Wants/needs: a tranquil, problem-free life; be left alone.

5. Likability: he is vulnerable, faithfully follows his wife despite his own fears.

6. Reaction under stress: tries to hide.

7. Relationship with other characters.

MELANIE

1. Role: Carol & Jack’s daughter

2. Traits: Fearful; easily influenced; lacking self-confidence.

3. Fears: Being marginalized; crossing her teachers.

4. Wants/needs: belong to a group; separate herself from her parents.

5. Likability: Vulnerable victim of indoctrination.

6. Reaction under stress: panic; ready to give up even her father

7. Relationship with other characters. Cold.

NICK

1. Role: Carol & Jack’s son.

2. Traits: Easy-going; curious.

3. Fears: His sister.

4. Wants/needs: his parents’ love; be accepted by his sister.

5. Likability: Naive in the face of danger.

6. Reaction under stress: denial, tries to laugh it off.

7. Relationship with other characters:

B. Character Journey

1. Intro: Presidential debate

2. Denial: N/A

3. Reaction to first horror: She is complicit in the horror and enjoys the horror she is inflicting.

4. Relation to group: She’s in charge. Doesn’t allow anyone to question her decisions.

5. How they fight back: N/A

6. End point: Is killed by the Amazons when they find she kept a secret harem of men while preaching death to all men.

7. Insights from death/survival for other characters/audience?: That these powerful people can be defeated, often by their own weaknesses.

B. Character Journey

CAROL

1. Intro: Helping her daughter with homework; loving, concerned mother.

2. Denial: Initially disbelief, but quickly moves into “I must stop this!” mode.

3. Reaction to first horror: Immediately takes the fight to the enemy.

4. Relation to group: Self-sacrificing.

5. How they fight back: She is smart and quickly comes up with strategy.

6. End point: We think she’s been killed by the Amazons, but emerges at the end to be reunited with her husband.

7. Insights from death/survival for other characters/audience?: Determined resistance can enjoy victory even against heavy odds.

B. Character Journey

JACK

1. Intro: Watching TV presidential debate when candidate Evily announces her androphobic policy.

2. Denial: Laughs off the threat of androphobia and the extermination of men. But he is forced out of denial when Carol shows him daughter’s homework and the threat literally strikes home.

3. Reaction to first horror: The first horror is the killing of his son and father-in-law. He initially hides but is called to action by his wife.

4. Relation to group: Is just one of many, but, on supposed death of his wife, he becomes the unwilling leader.

5. How they fight back: When he takes over leadership of the resistance group, he demonstrates unsuspected, tactical skills.

6. End point: He contributes to brining down Evily and exposing the Monster behind her. Is re-united with Carol, who he thought was dead.

7. Insights from death/survival for other characters/audience?: The fight will be tough, lives will be lost, but victory is possible.

B. Character Journey

MELANIE

1. Intro: Doing her homework, writing an essay on why men have always had a negative impact on the human species.

2. Denial: She is a willing accomplice in the horror.

3. Reaction to first horror: She is cold at the sight of her brother and grand-father being executed.

4. Relation to group: Cold towards her family. A willing member of the androphobe movement.

5. How they fight back: N/A.

6. End point: Dies as a member of the Amazons.

7. Insights from death/survival for other characters/audience?: It’s a warning about the dangers and personal consequences of being manipulated by propaganda.

B. Character Journey

NICK

1. Intro: Being beaten up by his sister and we see the possessed look in Melanie’s eyes.

2. Denial: At the sight of evil in his sister’s eyes he breaks out into tears.

3. Reaction to first horror: Naive curiosity.

4. Relation to group:

5. How they fight back: He is executed by the Amazons before he can fight back.

6. End point: He is executed by the Amazons very early on.

7. Insights from death/survival for other characters/audience?: The Amazons are ruthless and the threat of androphobia is real.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Monster Reveal Track

3. What I learned from this assignment was, like previous assignments, that it helped develop my story, create new characters and give it new twists. Still work in progress.

No Man’s Land / The Androphobes

1.

A. The visible monster is the female president of an island state (think: New Zealand) but there is a hidden monster inspiring and directing the visible monster.

– Powers:

Invisible monster: able to manipulate people’s thoughts and behavior.

Visible monster: dictatorial powers over the country and over the lives of its citizens.

– Limitations:

Invisible monster: has to work through other people who are not always reliable tools of its designs.

Visible monster: In control of one island state, but project can only work if adopted globally.

– Weaknesses:

Invisible monster: cannot stand the light of publicity and, if discovered, all its plans would come crushing down.

Visible monster: is secretly a nymphomaniac, and her hypocrisy spells her final doom.

– Plan/purpose/appetite:

Invisible monster: Plan: Kill all men, leaving only women. Purpose: Totally change the future of humanity. Appetite for power and manipulation.

Visible monster: Plan: Do what she has been brainwashed to do. Purpose: Exercise dictatorial power over her island state. Appetite for power and manipulation, but also for sex, (her downfall).

B.

Reveal: Young schoolgirl, Melanie, is being brainwashed.

Demand: She asks her mother, Carol, to help her with her homework. Her father says he’ll help, but she rejects his help. The homework: write an essay on why men are the enemy of humankind.

Reveal: Melanie is possessed.

Demand: She gets into a silly fight with her younger brother, Carl. Her face becomes demonic.

Reveal: Men are being marginalized.

Demand: Carol’s neighbor, Margie, turns up. Tells Carol she’s thrown her husband out. Carol shocked. Her husband was a good man. Margie promises to share a chat from her iPhone about men, the enemy of humankind.

Reveal: Margie is possessed, like Melanie. This is a virus.

Demand: As Margie talks enthusiastically about androphobe presidential candidate, Evily, we see the same violently angry look in her eye as Melanie when she was fighting with her brother.

Reveal: Ms Evily, an ardent androphobe, could be the next president.

Demand: In TV presidential candidates’ debate she talks about the evil role played by men in society. No direct threats, but sub-text is clear.

Reveal: From words to actions: the androphobe policy is being strictly implemented.

Demand: From her window, Carol, sees Amazons in green uniforms, dragging men from their homes and loading them onto trucks, like in the Holocaust.

Reveal: the androphobe policy has gone viral.

Demand: Carol calls her husband on his cell-phone. He is trying to escape from his office, after being attacked by female colleagues.

Reveal: Evily’s people have hijacked the internet.

Demand: A few surviving men, in a hide-out, try to get news out about the situation, but their internet fails.

Reveal: the androphobe’s control of information flow is total.

Demand: a group of people arriving from the mainland by ferry is detained. They had no knowledge of the situation. The women are taken aside for 3 hours of indoctrination, while their men-folk are executed.

Reveal: the androphobe virus is spreading.

Demand: men disappear from offices, homes, TV studios. Fate unknown but suspected.

Reveal: the androphobe policy knows no limits.

Demand: women are obliged to undergo pre-natal screening and males are aborted. No questions asked. Women willingly surrender their husbands, sons and fathers to the Amazons who go door-to-door with testosterone-sniffer dogs.

Reveal: The policy could go global.

Demand: Evily addresses the United Nations General Assembly. Gets loud applause. Male Secretary-General looks uncomfortable.

Reveal: Back home, opposition is being organized to Evily’s regime.

Demand: We see men looting a supermarket at night and taking food back to a hide-out in the woods.

Reveal (the biggest): Ms Evily is a nymphomaniac and a hypocrite. She keeps a male harem in her second home.

Demand: While in New York, Evily is driven to a secret location to hook up with male prostitutes.

Reveal: Evily, the monster, is not in control. She is being controlled by some unknown monster.

Demand: When some phone calls come through, Evily asks colleagues to leave the room.

Reveal: The person controlling Evily by meeting her need for men.

Demand: Emily makes desperate pleas to the person at the other end of the line.

Reveal: Evily is not as powerful as she thought.

Demand: Bodyguard discovers the men hidden in Evily’s second home. Sees through her boss’s hypocrisy.

Reveal: The androphobe regime will come crashing down.

Demand: The bodyguard links up with men in secret hide-out and begin to plot.

TO BE CONTINUED

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment 6

Paul’s Death Track

3. What I learned from this assignment was similar to Assignment 5 in that it required that I think up new elements of the story, before writing a word of the script. This will make the actual script easier to write. It helps generate ideas and story twists.

1. Order characters die in.

Character death 1: Large group of nameless men in trench.

Why? They are the innocent victims of the anti-male extermination program launched by the new government on the island.

How? Machine-gunned to death by women in bright-green uniforms.

Flashback to:

Character death 2: Newly elected Vice-President.

Why? He is the first high-profile man to be executed and on live TV to demonstrate that Ms Sam Evely, the new president, is serious about implementing her anti-man policy.

How? He is shot by a female Secret Service agent as he is about to go to the podium, but is beaten to it by his female replacement.

Character death 3: More un-named men of all ages.

Why? Amazons are going door-to-door with testosterone-sniffing dogs and dragging men out of their homes for execution.

How? They are hung on trees and lamp-posts as examples of what will be done to any man, whatever their age.

Character death 4: Jill’s son and father.

Why? They were hiding in the basement of Jill’s house, but her son ran out of house and his grandfather ran out to save him.

How? They are both hung from the tree in the family’s front garden.

Character death 5: Male tourists from the mainland.

Why? There has been a news black-out, so people on the mainland do not know what has been happening. Three men and two women arrive on a yacht. The men are executed when they go on land to explore. The two women survive, return to the mainland and raise the alarm.

How? Stabbed and their bodies thrown into the water next to their yacht by laughing Amazons.

Character (apparent) death 6: Jill

Why? She has been protecting Jack.

How? Unkown. She is taken away and we know she will be executed. (She manages to survive and returns in the final scenes.)

Character deaths 7: Amazons.

Why? Men arrive from the mainland and begin a guerilla war to overthrow the anti-male regime.

How? Shot, stabbed, whatever it takes.

Character death 8: President Evely.

Why? She has been secretly harboring three men for her own sexual enjoyment. When this becomes known, a group of women, led by Jill, wreak ultimate revenge.

How? Jill pushes her out of the window of her bedroom to a crowd of angry women and men below who beat her to death.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment 5

Paul’s Horror Situation Track

2. What I learned from this assignment was that it forced me to think up as many horror situations as possible before even writing a line of script, ensuring that I have the raw material for when it comes time to write the script. And, as I think of horror scenes, my story takes shape. It’s like making sure you have all the bricks, before you start building the house. It’s a very helpful way of doing things.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established: Young girl comes home from school. Shows parents her lesson about the horrors caused by men throughout history and how the world would be a better place if they were all eliminated. Parents try to laugh it off.

Horror situation: In a statement broadcast on TV, president announces the new policy: all men are to be rounded up and executed. Their crime? Being men. Calls on all women to do their “civic duty” and hand over fathers, husbands and sons.

Reaction – Denial: Men joke about the statement. Believe it’s a joke.

Horror Situation: Men in a bar are watching this on the TV and laughing, when suddenly the bar-maids, women in the bar and women who enter from the street, turn on them with cork-screws, kitchen knives and blunt instruments. The men are overwhelmed and lie dead on the floor. The women scream in unison: “Peace, love & harmony at last!”

Reaction – Escape: One man escapes and manages to get home.

Connect with the characters: Inside her house, a woman is sheltering her father, husband and young son in the cellar as she watches the Amazons going from house to house and dragging men away.

Horror Situation: Amazons going from house to house with dogs trained to track testosterone, and drag men away. Loudspeakers announce that any woman found harboring men will also be executed.

Reaction – Hide: A woman hides her father, husband and son in the cellar.

Denial of Horror: In the basement, the woman’s father and husband try to convince the boy that everything is find and that it’s just a game.

Horror situation: Boy, believing it is a game, escapes through the cellar window and is quickly captured by the Amazons and prepared for execution.

Reaction – Fight: The boy’s mother runs out to defend her son.

The characters are warned not to do it: Loudspeakers announce that any woman found harboring men will also be executed.

Horror situation: The boy is murdered in front of her and she is threatened with execution if she is hiding any more men.

Reaction – Hide: She runs back inside her house.

Safety taken away: The woman is forced to open her front door and let the Amazons in.

Horror situation: Sniffer dogs get close to the cellar door where the woman’s husband and father are hiding.

Reaction – Try to solve it: The woman breaks down in tears over the loss of her son, but also distract attention from the dogs. She manages to touch a nerve in the Amazons’ heart and they withdrawer with their dogs.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

· Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: The woman, her father and husband decide they have to flee. At night, inside their garage, they load the car.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer: Driving to their hide-out, woman and husband see men being executed and some bodies hanging from trees.

Horror situation: – Neighbors visit woman. Teenage daughter proudly announces how she followed her teacher’s instructions and revealed the whereabouts of her father. He was found and executed and she feels she has contributed to social progress.

Reaction – Denial: Woman keeps her mouth shut. Waits for visitors to leaves. Once alone again, she breaks down emotionally.

Terrorized:

Horror situation: She sees the execution of women who tried to protect their husbands and sons.

Reaction – Try to solve it. Decides to do something. She must do everything to save the man she loves, but not lose her life in the process.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death:

Horror situation: Woman and one of the Amazon’s cross paths. Amazon recognizes woman and runs after her.

Reaction – Flight: Woman flees, scared for her life. Amazon catches her.

The thrilling escape from death: Woman fears immediate death, but Amazon whispers to her that some men are in hiding. Takes her to the spot, then leaves her.

Hysteria: Woman finds 100 or so men in hiding, but too famished and traumatized to act. She inspires them to fight.

The thrilling escape from death: Helps organize a small group of the men to launch attack on the Amazons, kill some, capture others.

Death returns to take one or more: Some men are killed, leaving only a small handful of resistors. Woman gets her husband to join the group, but he is brutally killed.

Resolution: This makes her even more determined. She leads the remaining small group of men and some women to take on the Amazons to overthrow the head of the feminist state. Outcome unknown when the movie ends.

END

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Paul McGregor.

[Paul McGregor]

Day 4 Assignment

Paul’s Horror Plot Track.

2. What I learned from this assignment that these prompts really helped to fashion my story. Excellent way of preparing the outline. This is an early outline, needing a lot of fine-tuning.

<div>ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR</div><div>

</div>

Atmosphere of Evil established: About a hundred men stand in a ditch surrounded by women in bright green uniforms, armed with machine guns. Their death sentence is read out. Their crime: being men. They are massacred by the armed women, the Amazons.

Connect with the characters: Inside her house, a woman is sheltering her father, husband and young son in the cellar as she watches the Amazons going from house to house and dragging men away.

The characters are warned not to do it: Loudspeakers announce that any woman found harboring men will also be executed.

Denial of Horror: In the basement, the woman’s father and husband try to convince the boy that everything is find and that it’s just a game.

Safety taken away: The woman is forced to open her front door and let the Amazons in with dogs trained to smell testosterone.

Monster: The nature of the beast: Thinking it is indeed a game, the boy shouts, giving away their location. One Amazon opens the door to the cellar and the boy runs out. His grand-father runs after him to plea for the boy’s life in exchange for his. Both are executed on the front lawn. The female death squad promises to come back to take the woman away for her punishment.

<div>ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
</div><div>

Isolated
/ Trapped / Abducted: The surviving woman and her husband watch events on
TV. Decide they both have to flee. At night, inside their garage, they
load the car. Man hides in the trunk. At a road-block, amazons check
woman’s ID just as bus with sad and desperate-looking women drives past.
She’s told they are women who tried to protect their husbands or sons and
are to be executed. The amazon checking the woman’s ID returns towards the
car. As she tells the woman to get out of the car, her husband jumps out
and shoots the two amazons dead.

</div><div>

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Full
pursuit by the killer: Driving to their hide-out, woman and husband see
men being executed and some bodies hanging from trees. At the hide-out,
they watch TV reports of statues of men being destroyed, books written by
men (including Shakespeare, the Bible) being burnt. Neighbors visit, a
woman and her two daughters. Teenage daughter proudly announces how she
followed her teacher’s instructions and revealed the whereabouts of her
father. He was found and executed and she feels she has contributed to
social progress.

Terrorized:
Also see the execution of women who tried to protect their husbands and
sons. Woman feels trapped: condemned to die if she protects her husband,
but can’t imagine life without him.

</div><div>

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

This is a very early outline, subject to change.

Fight
to the death: Woman and one of the Amazon’s cross paths. Amazon recognizes
woman and runs after her. Woman flees, scared for her life. Amazon catches
her. She fears immediate death, but Amazon whispers to her that some men
are in hiding. Takes her to the spot, then leaves her.

Hysteria:
Woman finds 100 or so men in hiding, but too famished and traumatized to
act. She inspires them to fight.

The
thrilling escape from death: A small group of the men launch attack on the
Amazons, kill some, capture others.

Death
returns to take one or more: Some men are killed, leaving only a small handful
of resistors. Woman gets her husband to join the group, but he is brutally
killed.

Resolution:
This makes her even more determined. She leads the remaining small group of
men and some women to take on the Amazons to overthrow the head of the
feminist state. Outcome unknown when the movie ends.

</div>

END

[Paul McGregor]

Day 3 Assignment

Paul’s Characters for Horror.

4. What I learned from this assignment are some of the rules or parameters of successful horror to which I had never given any thought. It also helped me put some flesh on the bare bones of my concept.

1. Concept: An extremist feminist party carries out a coup d’état and begins executing all men. But when the sperm bank runs dry, a brutal civil war breaks out between those who want to import foreign men and those who prefer extinction.

Group: A social group – All men, starting at conception.

2. Dying pattern: Men will be hunted down by the “amazons” and executed. Those who try to resist will first be castrated and then executed.

3. Characters:

Innocent: there will countless, innocent men executed.

Rebel/rule breaker: women who try to conceal male relatives are also executed.

Introvert/Loner: there is one woman who dares stand up to the feminist dictator and does so in a smart, low-profile way, but also suffers death just before toppling Madam President.

The Carrier: Madam President, who launched the terror, becomes the final victim.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Assignment 1

“A Quiet Place” Horror Conventions

5. What I learned doing this assignment is that it began the process of taking me out of my comfort zone by watching a movie genre I normally avoid. It has shown me that horror can be a way of communicating a strong message.

2. Title: A Quiet Place.

Very good title, since it promises tranquility but delivers horror.

Concept: mankind is threatened by murderous creatures that respond to sound to locate their victims.

Isolation: from the start of the movie, we see an abandoned town with just one family surviving and they take refuge in an isolated cabin in the woods.

Death: comes early in the movie when one of the children plays with a noisy toy and is savagely killed by one of the monsters while his father makes a desperate effort to save him.

Monster/Villain: we only catch quick glimpses of the monster in early scenes but then it becomes more visible and is a creature from hell.

High Tension: throughout the movie the tension is based on maintaining total silence so as not to attract the murderous, deformed creatures. The slightest noise can bring death, so the audience is tensely aware of the need for total silence.

Departure from reality: The settings are totally real, but what is happening is a total departure from reality, beginning with the need to maintain total silence and the presence of these ET-like monsters that mercilessly kill children and old-people alike.

Moral statement: Even your worst enemy has a weakness; find that weakness and exploit it to fight back.

4. My concept:

Title: No-Man’s Land (but there is a 2019 movie with that title.)

or: Amen

or: The Motherland

or: No X-Y!

Concept: A group of arch-feminists has seized power in an island-state and sets out on a policy of eliminating all men.

Terrorize the characters: men suffer castration prior to execution and any woman who tries to protect a man is also executed.

Death: all men are killed, including baby boys who are grabbed from their mothers.

Monster/Villain: the female head of state whose motto is “Death to all men!”

High tension: Will all men be eliminated, or will the tiny resistance movement take power and re-establish the gender balance?

Departure from reality: A world with only women and artificial fertilization for the next generation of more women till the Y chromosome is extinct.

Moral statement: Violence is not a male preserve.

END

[Paul McGregor]

1. Hello, I’m Paul McGregor

2. I’ve written 6 scripts. The best I’ve done so far is Finalist in an international screenwriting contest.

3. I want to break out of my comfort zone with this course, since I never considered writing a horror movie until Hal told us about the return on investment!

4.I used to do the same job as Nicole Kidman at the United Nations in New York.

[Paul McGregor]

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

Paul McGregor

mcgregor16

[Paul McGregor]

Logline: CARLEY and Marcus are eye-witnesses to the 9/11 attacks on the Twin Towers, but they manage to retrieve love from the rubble.

Essence: Suffering the same pain brings two people together.

Scene:

INT. LOBBY OF THE NORTH TOWER, TWIN TOWERS. MORNING OF 11 SEP 2001.

CARLEY, swinging her bag nonchalantly, makes eye contact with MARCUS, one of the uniformed security guards manning the turnstiles.

CARLEY

I’m a free woman at last. He signed off on the divorce papers!

Marcus says nothing. CARLEY heads towards the exit. There is suddenly an enormous explosion and panic breaks out in the lobby. CARLEY comes running back. She tries to pass through the turnstile but it won’t open.

MARCUS

Miss! I’m sorry, you have to leave the building!

CARLEY

But please! My husband’s up there. I need to know he’s okay.

Marcus is busy trying to listen to the instructions he’s getting through his ear-piece.

CARLEY

What’s going on? I need to know!

MARCUS

You need to leave the building immediately!

CARLEY points over to some people on the other side of the turnstiles running up the elevators.

CARLEY

But look at them over there!

Marcus turns to look, and CARLEY takes advantage to jump over the turnstiles. By the time he turns around, she is several yards ahead of him heading for the escalator. He runs after her, grabs her arm and pulls her back towards the exit.

MARCUS

Look, we don’t know what has happened up there. You’ve got to leave! We’ve all got to leave.

CARLEY

Get your hands off me! You’ve got no right!

MARCUS

It’s for your own good. It could be a gas explosion. You’d be risking your life if you go up there.

The panic heightens around them. People start screaming: “It’s a plane! A plane hit the building!” Carley grabs one of the screaming men as he runs to the exit.

CARLEY

Which floor! Which floor!

He shrugs her off and resumes his run to the exit.

MARCUS

I know what. Why don’t we both go outside. We’ll be able to see what’s really happened.

Marcus takes Carley by the arm and helps her through the turn-stile. They get lost in the madding crowd heading for the doors.

INT. COFFEE SHOP 10 BLOCKS NORTH OF THE TWIN TOWERS. LATER SAME MORNING.

Carley and Marcus are in shock. They don’t touch the coffees on the table in front of them.

CARLEY

Are you sure she was in there?

MARCUS

I went up with her myself. For once we were working the same shift!

Silence descends again.

MARCUS

Look, I’m sorry about man-handling you like that, but if he was up on the 85^th floor, there’s no way you…

CARLEY

If you’d let me in, I wouldn’t be sitting right now. I’d have been a gonner too.

MARCUS

We both lost the person we loved.

CARLEY

Loved?

MARCUS

You were willing to risk your life to see him one more time.

CARLEY

It must be much tougher for you. You weren’t divorcing her!

More moments of silence. Carley finally takes a sip of coffee.

CARLEY

You saved my life…

MARCUS

It’s Marcus.

CARLEY

(Extending her hand for a handshake)

Carley.

The two shake hands and then exchange embarrassed glances.

MARCUS

I think it’s time we headed on home. This has been horrendous for both of us.

CARLEY

Of course. Let me get the bill.

She pays the bill and the two head outside.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE COFFEE. SAME.

Carley grabs Marcus’s arm.

CARLEY

You mustn’t keep punishing yourself. You did the right thing.

MARCUS

I’m glad you see it that way. You know, in these situations, who knows what’s best.

CARLEY

We have to pull through this. Both of us.

She throws her arms around Marcus and gives him a long kiss.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Logline: Brandy calls on a former lover to bury the new one she has just murdered.

Essence: Who said women are the weaker sex?

[NB: for the purposes of the plot, I have reversed the traits between Brandy and Phillip.]

Scene:

EXT. CAR DRIVING ALONG HIGHWAY. NIGHT.

Brandy is driving fast. Philip holds the new spade they have just bought in Home Depot.

PHILLIP

Hey, what’s the hurry?

BRANDY.

Can’t risk someone finding the body.

PHILLIP

You should always have a spade ready for this kind of situation, you know!

BRANDY

Very funny, I’m sure.

She points at Phillip and the blood stains on his t-shirt.

BRANDY

If you could have dragged him a bit further, we wouldn’t need the spade.

Phillip looks at the scars on Brandy’s face.

PHILIP

Wow! He really messed you up. Those scars look bad.

They are suddenly interrupted by the sound of a police siren and flashing lights.

BRANDY

Oh, no. Now we’re in real mess.

Brandy comes to a stop on the side of the road. She quickly tries to wipe her scars while Philip uses the spade as best he can to conceal his bloodied t-shirt.

A POLICE OFFICER signals Brandy to wind down the window.

POLICE OFFICER

Good evening, Miss. Do you know how fast you were going?

PHILLIP

We’re sorry, Officer. I’ve been giving her driving lessons and she hasn’t yet got the hang of it.

POLICE OFFICER

Could I see your license and registration?

Brandy pulls the papers out of her handbag and hands them to the Police Officer.

POLICE OFFICER

What’s with the scars on your face, Miss. Had a fall?

BRANDY

Oh, must have been the branches. I do a lot of gardening.

POLICE OFFICER

Is that why your friend has the spade?

PHILLIP

Exactly!

Meanwhile, POLICE OFFICER 2 appears at Phillip’s side of the car and signals him to wind down the window. Phillip complies.

POLICE OFFICER 2

Could I ask you to step out of the car please?

PHILLIP

Officer, really, I’ll make sure she respects all the speed limits. She’s just not so used to driving at night.

POLICE OFFICER 2

Step out of the car please.

Philip steps out of the car, holding the spade wrapped in Home Depot bags, using it to shield his t-shirt.

POLICE OFFICER 2

You’re really attached to that spade, aren’t you.

PHILIP

As the ad says: the Ace of Spades!

POLICE OFFICER 2

Very funny.

He firmly removes the spade from Philip’s grip.

POLICE OFFICER

What have you got?

POLICE OFFICER 2

Looks suspicious.

POLICE OFFICER

Looks like domestic violence to me.

POLICE OFFICER 2

(Turning Philip around and placing him in handcuffs)

Sir, I am arresting you on suspicion of domestic violence. Anything you say….

PHILIP

You can’t do this! I’m on the City Council!

BRANDY

But, please, Officer.

POLICE OFFICER

Here are your papers, Miss. (Saluting her) Everything’s in order. You’re free to go.

Philip is taken away by the Police Officers.

BRANDY

(Shouting)

But my spade!

POLICE OFFICER 2

(Returning with the spade to Brandy’s car)

You can have it. Don’t think this was the weapon.

BRANDY

Thank you, Officer!

PHILIP

(Screaming)

Brandy, do something! Tell them I’m innocent.

POLICE OFFICER

(Pushing Philip into the police car)

Come along, Sir. You can explain your innocence down at the station.

PHILIP

Brandy!

The police car heads off.

Brandy puts the spade on the back seat and drives off home.

BRANDY

Now who can I get to bury Jim?!

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Max Interest 2.

4. What I learned from this assignment is that making this your default approach when you’re writing a script leads to a totally improved outcome. I now see my scenes in a completely different light, with new criteria. This preparation makes it easier to write the actual scene. It is also challenging. These are not easy exercises.

1. Scene Logline: When her drug-lord husband died, his rivals kicked her out of her luxury home, but now she’s back, and she’s not alone.

2.

Suspense: We see the house surrounded by gunmen, so what is this vulnerable-looking woman doing there?

Major twist: 1. After they let her past and speak to the boss, we discover this used to be her house. 2. At the end, Marisol regrets ever collaborating with the DEA.

Surprise: As the boss opens the front door to let her in, she turns around, makes a sign, and two of her own gunmen get out of the car and join her, exchanging nasty looks with the other gunmen.

More interesting setting: Instead of a townhouse, it could be a luxury villa at the beach.

Superior position: The viewer knows she is now DEA, but her enemy does not.

Uncertainty/hope & fear: Is this woman going to get out of there alive? She is facing some tough enemies.

Intrigue: What is the connection between this woman and the owner of this villa?

Mystery: We can tell there is more to her than we can see and that she is letting on to, but what is it?

Something unseen: She is “wired” so that all that she hears and sees is being monitored elsewhere.

CHARACTER

Character changes radically: The woman who looked vulnerable when she arrived, is now seen as a threat by the villa’s owner.

Betrayal: 1. The guy she’s up against thought that there was trust amongst thieves, but she has renounced the role of the narco boss’s wife, and is on the DEA’s payroll now.

Dilemma: When she signals for the DEA to come in, should she let them take her bodyguards too, since they are killers too?

Uncomfortable moment: the drug baron, now occupying the woman’s villa, makes an off-the-cuff comment about the DEA – does he know?

Misinterpretation: When the DEA finally storms the place, they are not sure who is on who’s side and are close to making a total mess.

3. The Scene

EXT. A LUXURY, BEACH-SIDE VILLA SOMEWHERE IN MEXICO. MORNING.

MARISOL, a modest-looking woman in her 50s, gets out of a normal-looking car and approaches the villa. Three men in dark suits look on. One bars her way.

MARISOL

(In a tough voice that contrasts with her modest demeanor.)

This is my house, remember?

Without a word, the man reluctantly lets her pass. As she approaches the front-door, it opens as though automatically. She enters.

INT. LUXURY VILLA. SAME.

Two more GUNMEN are standing, while JAVIER, the drug baron is spread out on a sofa in the open floor-plan ground floor.

JAVIER

(Not getting up from his sofa)

Mrs Dominguez! To what or to whom do I owe the honor?

MARISOL

The keys!

JAVIER

Keys? To the house?

MARISOL

I’ll take the keys to the Porsche outside too if you like.

JAVIER

You’re so funny! Just like your late husband.

Marisol pulls out her cell and hits CALL:

MARISOL

Come on in!

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE LUXURY VILLA. SAME.

The doors of Marisol’s car open and three heavily-built men get out. The men in suits don’t dare challenge them and they enter the villa.

INT. SITTING ROOM. SAME.

The three men enter. Javier jumps up from the sofa.

JAVIER

Friends of yours?

MARISOL

The keys.

Javier looks at the three heavies and hesitates.

MARISOL

Look, while you decide what’s best for your health, I’ll go to the bathroom.

Marisol walks off to the bathroom next to the kitchen.

This was the signal for her men to immediately attack Javier’s bodyguards. If seconds they have them on the ground, their guns pointed at their heads.

INT. BATHROOM. SAME.

Marisol is whispering into her cell-phone.

MARISOL

Are you getting this? How much longer? (She looks at her watch.) OK. No later.

Marisol ends the call, fixes her necklace with two large pendants, and exits the bathroom.

INT. SITTING ROOM. SAME.

She sees Javier’s bodyguards kneeling on the floor, guns with silencers pointed at their heads.

MARISOL

(To her main guy).

There’s not enough coffee for three.

He signals to one of the other three men who pulls the trigger, dropping one of the kneeling bodyguards to the ground.

JAVIER

Marisol!

MARISOL

Let’s not get emotional.

She sits down where Javier had been sitting. He remains standing.

MARISOL

(As though playing with her necklace)

So tell me, how wis business?

JAVIER

It’s… err.

MARISOL

How many kilos of coke last month.

JAVIER

Lat month was a good month.

(His voice trembles as looks over at his dead bodyguard.)

MARISOL

(As though absorbed by her necklace)

How much?

JAVIER

Oh, about 450 kilos, half a tonne.

MARISOL

Chicago still the best market?

JAVIER

We’re switching more towards the north-west, Seattle.

MARISOL

Who’s your man up there?

JAVIER

Still got your pulse on the business, haven’t you.

MARISOL

I asked who is your man up there.

The heavy who shot the bodyguard turns his gun in Javier’s direction. Javier’s gets the message.

JAVIER

His code-name’s “The Man from Uncle.”

MARISOL

DEA?

JAVIER

We only work with the best.

Marisol pulls out her cellphone again and hits a key.

JAVIER

Look, Marisol, if it’s the house you want, I’m sure we can come to some agreement.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE VILLA. SAME.

A Humvee screeches to a halt outside the villa. Six men in flak jackets jump out. The three men in suits are disposed of quickly and the new arrivals race to the villa, followed by AGENT JONES in a suit and tie.

INT. LUXURY VILLA. SAME.

MARISOL

Might be too late for that, Javier. I think you have visitors.

The men in flak jackets storm in. Marisol’s heavies open fire, but the return fire is stronger.

MARISOL

No!! Stop shooting!

It is too late. Marisol’s heavies lie dead on the ground.

AGENT JONES

(Looking at the dead bodies sprawled on the ground)

Excellent job, Marisol!

MARISOL

You total idiot! They were my men! Good men!

Marisol runs over to look for signs of life, as the men in flak jackets look on. It’s hopeless.

MARISOL

I should never have trusted you guys!

JAVIER

You stupid bitch! You think those guys are any cleaner than you or me?

One of the men in flak jacket comes across and hand-cuffs Javier, pushing him towards the war.

JAVIER

(Over his shoulder as he leaves the villa)

Never trust the government!

Marisol drops onto the sofa, weeping as she looks at her dead friends on the floor. Looking up at Agent Jones.

JAVIER

Hey, come on! This is the price we have to pay sometimes.

MARISOL

Shut the fuck up! How do I know you’re not the “Man from Uncle”?

Agent Jones responds with an ambiguous glare.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Reveals.

5. What I learned from this assignment was that it has totally upturned my script and, by identifying a whole new role for one of the protagonists, made it far more intriguing.

1. Selected scene: The final scene in which it is now revealed that the Vice-President was part of the conspiracy all along and is in the pay of the Chinese.

2.

a. I want to hide the fact that the V-P is part of the conspiracy.

b. The V-P is hiding from the Intern, Rashida, her connections with the NGO “No Walls” where Rashida was volunteering. The V-P chose her specifically because of her links with this NGO that is a Chinese front operation.

c. It is already known that No Walls has Chinese connections, but this could be hidden and revealed towards the end.

d. The most dramatic thing would be to reveal the V-P’s Chinese connection that has been undermining the President all along.

e. Under the surface, I could introduce more situations in which the V-Ps loyalty is questionable, or in which the Chinese presence is suspected but not revealed.

3.

Demand: How are these unknown entities getting information from inside the White House?

Cover-Up: The V-P is on the President’s side, trying to ensure success in the mid-terms.

Reveal: She contacts the Chinese, thereby revealing she has been working with them all along.

4. The Scene:

Logline: The V-P takes her place in the Oval Office, on the other side of the desk this time.

INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY.

The former V-P, now MADAM PRESIDENT, is taking questions from a small group of journalists.

JOURNALIST 1

Madam President, are you confident there will be no more leaks?

MADAM PRESIDENT

We have our very best experts working on it as we speak.

JOURNALIST 2

But it brought down President Bowden. These people obviously mean business.

MADAM PRESIDENT.

And do I! Indeed, I must get down to business, so, if you’ll be so kind, this press conference is over.

The journalists try to fire more questions but are shuffled out by Madam President’s assistants and security. The last security guard, Li, is about to escort the last visitor out of the Oval Office. He notices one of Aynur’s dolls on a seat.

OFFICER LI

(Picking up the doll)

Would you like me to dispose of this, Madam President?

MADAM PRESIDENT

Oh no, Mr Li. You can leave it there… It helps communications.

Officer Li and Madam President share the joke.

(NOTE TO THE READER: The doll contains the audio and video technology used to spy on the former President.)

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Character Relationships.

5. What I learned from this assignment was that I had never given any thought to the importance of the interplay of traits between characters. I will now go back to my script and review all my characters’ traits with this in mind, not just the four listed below. This exercise will also impact the story, as my characters will now do more extreme things, in line with their new traits.

1. 4 main characters:

President: power-mad / risk-taker / self-centered / soft-centered.

Vice-President: two-faced / scheming / charming / ambitious.

Hamza: Conscientious / loving father / alcoholic / cautious

Dilbara (Hamza’s wife): Fanatical / cold / scheming / scornful

PRESIDENT VICE-PRESIDENT

Power-mad Ambitious = competition.

The president is aware that his V-P wants his job, and it is her ambition that gives birth to the plan that could destroy his presidency, clearing the path for her to take over.

Risk-taker Scheming = rapport

The scheming V-P comes up with a plan than is high-risk, but she knows that the president has a proclivity for risk-taking and exploits it.

Soft-centered Charming = sub-text

He is easily won over by female charm, so there is the suggestion that may be that was the V-P’s main qualification for the job.

Self-centered Two-faced = contrast

He is too preoccupied with himself, that he fails to notice other people’s traits, so he fails to see that he is being betrayed by the V-P.

HAMZA DILBARA

Conscientious Scornful = contrast.

Hamza always invests himself 100% in any project, but his wife, Dilbara, remains aloof from situations because she is scornful.

Loving father Cold = conflict

Because he loves his daughter so much, he resists Dilbara’s plan to put her out for adoption by the president.

Alcoholic Fanatic = conflict

Dilbara, a fanatical muslim, cannot accept her husband’s taste for alcohol, but it is the only thing that keeps him from despair and divorce.

Cautious Scheming = competition

Hamza has learned not to take risks, perhaps because the Chinese Communist Party is not an enemy you can take risks with, and Dilbara’s schemes involve too much risk for him.

4. Changed traits.

PRESIDENT V-P

Replace SCHEMING with TREASONOUS. She is willing to be part of a plot to get rid of the president, not just be the naive facilitator of the plot.

Replace CHARMING with MANIPULATIVE. Her default function is manipulation and she will play on the president’s POWER-MAD nature to make him blind to the risks he is taking.

HAMZA DILBARA

Replace ALCOHOLIC with UNBELIEVER. Hamza has lost his muslim faith and his taste for beer is just one of the symptoms. This will heighten the conflict with his wife Dilbara whose whole mission is to orchestrate a second 9/11.

END

[Paul McGregor]

QE Cycle #4. Version #1.

Logline: Renee sleeps with her boss to get the promotion, but she’s betrayed by her outgoing personality.

Essence: Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

INT. CUBICLE LAND IN A MANHATTAN OFFICE. MORNING.

RENEE, a young, attractive woman, is talking in hushed tones with her COLLEAGUE in the neighboring cubicle.

RENEE

I couldn’t believe I easy it was!

COLLEAGUE

Oh, Renee!

RENEE

And, you know, he’s not bad. For a gringo!

The two women giggle. MAXIME, in the next cubicle, has overheard everything.

MAXIME

Are you talking about me, again?

COLLEAGUE

Don’t be so paranoid!

RENEE

(In hushed tones)

I was telling her, I think the job’s in the bag! If you get my meaning!

COLLEAGUE

Who are the other candidates?

RENEE

No idea. They always keep it hush-hush. You’ll keep it quiet, want you? Both of you?

Maxime just nods her head.

COLLEAGUE

Of course! What happens in the boss’s bed, stays in the boss’s bed!

Renee and the Colleague giggle again.

The phone rings in Renee’s cubicle. She goes and picks it up.

RENEE

Yes, this is she.

Renee listens. Her face brightens at the news she is receiving. Colleague nudges Maxime and winks knowingly.

RENEE

Thank you so much for letting me know. Bye.

Renee puts down the phone and runs to re-join the others.

RENEE

I got the job! I got the job!

COLLEAGUE

Fantastic! So, it was worth all the effort!

RENEE

You could say that! (Looking at Maxime). Are you going to congratulate me?

MAXIME

(In a subdued tone)

Of course. Well done.

Maxime goes back to her cubicle just as the BOSS appears.

BOSS

Now ladies. There’s work to do. No more jabbering. Back to your desks.

RENEE

Yes, sir!

Renee returns to her cubicle, but not without casting a glance into the Boss’s eyes.

Colleague struggles to hold back a guffaw.

Maxime opens the draw of her desk. She pulls out a company brochure entitled, “Sexual harassment in the work-place.” She opens the front page and notes a phone number. She puts the brochure back and picks up the phone.

MAXIME

(In hushed tones)

Is this the confidential hot-line?

An hour later…

The phone rings in Renee’s cubicle. She takes the call, then slams down the phone. She rushes to her colleague.

RENEE

They’ve cancelled it!

COLLEAGUE

What are you talking about?!

RENEE

The promotion!! They say they need to do more background checks.

COLLEAGUE

Background checks? On you or on the boss?!

RENEE

Who knows?

Suddenly the penny drops. Renee heads for Maxime’s cubicle.

RENEE

Hey!

Maxime looks up as though surprised.

RENEE

Were you one of the other candidates?

MAXIME

What do you mean?

RENEE

What I said. Or are you just jealous?

MAXIME

What are you talking about? Let me get my work done.

Renee grabs Maxime by the hair and starts yelling at her. Maxime screams.

MAXIME

Help! Help! Get her off me.

Two male colleagues run up and pull Renee off Maxime.

MAXIME

You’re mad! I’m calling security!

Renee has to be restrained by her colleagues. The boss comes out just as security arrives. He looks at Renee as she’s escorted out by security.

BOSS

What’s going on?

RENEE

You’ll soon find out! If I go down, you’re going down with me!

Renee is escorted out as colleagues look on surprised. Maxime gets back to her typing.

END

[Paul McGregor]

GOING DOWN Draft #2

INT. COCKPIT OF A B-737. DAY.

NANCY is pilot-in-command and SQUIRE is a young co-pilot.

SQUIRE

Passing 10,000 feet

NANCY

Well, I hope your landing are smoother than your take-offs! How many hours do you have on the 737?

SQUIRE

Oh, I don’t know. But I’ll check my log-book when we land and let you know.

NANCY

Put her on a heading of 140.

Squire fiddles with the controls.

SQUIRE

Heading 140.

(Glancing over at Nancy, with a mockingly seductive voice)

Captain!

NANCY

Oh, I’m going to enjoy this flight.

SQUIRE

Levelling off at 30,000 feet.

Nancy grabs the controls and pulls the nose up.

NANCY

Didn’t you hear! We were cleared to 32,000!

SQUIRE

Oh, what’s a couple of thousand feet between…

Squire is interrupted by a sudden jolt to the airplane, and alarms start sounding.

SQUIRE (CONT’D)

What the…!

Squire is interrupted again by another jolt to the aircraft.

NANCY

I have her. Contact ATC!

SQUIRE

Anchorage Approach, Anchorage Approach. Flight MT 359. Suspected bird strike. Reviewing options. Over.

TRAFFIC CONTROLLER

Anchorage Approach to MT 359. Maintain 32,000 feet and update us on flight conditions. Over.

SQUIRE

MT 359 will do. Remaining on frequency. Over.

A young woman in jeans enters the cockpit. Nancy is struggling to maintain control of the aircraft.

SQUIRE

Oh, hello there. I like your hair!

YOUNG WOMAN.

They told me to tell you there’s smoke coming from the port-side engine.

Squire strains to look out of his window.

NANCY

Port is the technical term for the left, Mr Co-Pilot!

Squire sinks back into his seat.

SQUIRE

(Addressing the young woman)

You can tell the passengers we have the situation under control.

NANCY

Oh, stop joking around!

The young woman goes to leave the cock-pit.

SQUIRE

And I’d love a coffee.

The young woman throws him a bored look and leaves the cockpit.

SQUIRE (CONT’D)

(A wide smile on his face)

Two sugars… Sweetheart! I reckon we should do a 180.

NANCY

No, we can control…

There is a third, far more brutal strike to the plane and it enters erratic turns that Squire can’t control.

NANCY (CONT’D)

She’s yours!

Squire takes the controls.

NANCY (CONT’D)

(Panic in her voice)

Anchorage Approach, Anchorage Approach. Mike Tango 359. Do you receive me? Over.

FLIGHT CONTROLLER

This is Anchorage Approach, reading you 5. Over.

NANCY

Emergency landing required. Need co-ordinates. Over.

FLIGHT CONTROLLER

Take a heading 50. Juneau. Over.

NANCY

(To Squire)

Juneau?! That’s got to be 500 miles from here! We’ll never make it!

SQUIRE

(Still struggling with the controls)

Captain, you’re not in Iowa anymore. This is Alaska. Mountains and ocean!

NANCY

Oh, shut up! Anchorage Approach, we’re losing altitude. This is a Mayday, Mayday.

SQUIRE

Well, Captain, it looks like dinner’s off for this evening, right?

NANCY

You can’t control this airplane, but at least control your tongue!

SQUIRE

(In a slow, seductive tone)

My tongue?

Nancy looks at him in disgust but says nothing.

SQUIRE (CONT’D)

Let me see if there’s any more smoke from the leftside engine.

Squire makes a half-hearted effort to look out.

NANCY

OK. We’re done for! Anchorage Approach, Mike Tango 359, we’re a gonna!

The aircraft enters a sharp dive.

SQUIRE

Well, this has been one hell of…

His words are cut short as:

VOICE ON INTERCOM

OK guys. Go get a coffee. Better luck next time.

Nancy and Squire get up and leave the cockpit, passing the young woman as they do.

NANCY

I swear, that’s the last time I’m doing simulator practice with him.

Squire winks at the young woman.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Scene:

GOING DOWN

Logline: Two airplane pilots allow their personal feelings to cause a crash.

Essence: Not all professionals are professional.

Scene:

GOING DOWN

INT. COCKPIT OF A B-737. DAY.

NANCY is pilot-in-command and SQUIRE is a young co-pilot.

SQUIRE

Passing 10,000 feet

NANCY

Well, I hope your landing are smoother than your take-offs! How many hours do you have on the 737?

SQUIRE

Oh, I don’t know. But I’ll check my log-book when we land and let you know.

NANCY

Put her on a heading of 140.

Squire fiddles with the controls.

SQUIRE

Heading 140.

(Glancing over at Nancy, with a mockingly seductive voice)

Captain!

NANCY

Oh, I’m going to enjoy this flight.

SQUIRE

Levelling off at 30,000 feet.

Nancy grabs the controls and pulls the nose up.

NANCY

Didn’t you hear! We were cleared to 32,000!

SQUIRE

Oh, what’s a couple of thousand feet between…

Squire is interrupted by a sudden jolt to the airplane, and alarms start sounding.

SQUIRE (CONT’D)

What the…!

Squire is interrupted again by another jolt to the aircraft.

NANCY

I have her. Contact ATC!

SQUIRE

Anchorage Approach, Anchorage Approach. Flight MT 359. Suspected bird strike. Reviewing options. Over.

TRAFFIC CONTROLLER

Anchorage Approach to MT 359. Maintain 32,000 feet and update us on flight conditions. Over.

SQUIRE

MT 359 will do. Remaining on frequency. Over.

A stewardess enters the cockpit, visibly distraught.

STEWARDESS.

What’s happening?

Nancy is struggling to maintain control of the aircraft.

SQUIRE

Oh, hello there. Love your hair!

STEWARDESS.

Captain! There’s smoke coming from the port-side engine.

Squire strains to look out of his window.

NANCY

Port is the technical term for the left, Mr Co-Pilot!

Squire sinks back into his seat.

NANCY (CONT’D)

(Addressing the

Stewardess)

Get back there and tell the passengers we have the situation under control.

The Stewardess goes to leave the cock-pit.

SQUIRE

And I’d love a coffee.

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The Stewardess throws him an astonished look.

SQUIRE (CONT’D)

(A wide smile on his face)

Two sugars… Sweetheart.

The Stewardess exits the cockpit.

SQUIRE (CONT’D)

I reckon we should do a 180.

NANCY

No, we can control…

There is a third, far more brutal strike to the plane and it enters erratic turns that Squire can’t control.

NANCY (CONT’D) You take her!

Squire takes the controls.

NANCY (CONT’D)

(Panic in her voice)

Anchorage Approach, Anchorage Approach. Mike Tango 359. Do you receive me? Over.

FLIGHT CONTROLLER This is Anchorage Approach, reading you 5. Over.

NANCY

We need to make an emergency landing. Need co-ordinates. Over.

FLIGHT CONTROLLER

Take a heading 50. Juneau. Over.

NANCY

Juneau?! That’s got to be 500 miles from here! We can’t make it! Over.

SQUIRE

(Still struggling with the controls)

Captain, you’re not in Iowa anymore. This is Alaska.

NANCY

Oh, shut up! Anchorage Approach, we’re losing altitude. This is a Mayday, Mayday.

SQUIRE

Well, Captain, it looks like dinner’s off for this evening, right?

NANCY

You can’t control this airplane, but at least control your tongue!

SQUIRE

(In a slow, seductive tone) My tongue?

Nancy looks at him in disgust but says nothing.

SQUIRE (CONT’D) See any more smoke from the leftside engine?

Squire strains to look out and now sees flames coming from the engine.

NANCY

OK. We’re done for! Anchorage Approach, Mike Tango 359, we’re a gonna!

The aircraft enters a sharp dive.

NANCY (CONT’D)

Tell my daughter I love her!

SQUIRE

Well, this has been one hell of a …

His words are cut short as the plane smashes into the mountain-side.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Max Interest 2.

5. What I learned that is improving my writing is “waking up” a scene that I thought I had “put to bed.” I have learnt that a scene can always be improved. Consciously seeking to include these interest techniques has transformed a pedestrian scene into one which has a hook, a mystery, an uncomfortable moment, a cliff-hanger and creates a future.

1. Scene Logline: Hamza and his family get their immigration papers thanks to the drugs they didn’t know they were carrying.

2. Scene essence: Customs and Border Patrol are hand-in-glove with Mexican cartels in drug smuggling and human trafficking.

3. Interest techniques: hook, uncomfortable moment, mystery, creating a future.

4.

INT. MIGRANT PROCESSING OFFICE. SAME.

Joel puts his mug of coffee and files of paper on the desk and casts a quick glance at Hamza and his family.

JOEL

Take a seat. Sientense. What language do you speak?

Hamza and Dilbara sit down at the other side of Noel’s desk, Aynur stands between them. Joel walks over to Officer Phillips, out of ear-shot of the family.

JOEL

(Shouting in a low voice.)

These are not Latinos! What’s going on?!

OFFICER PHILLIPS

I’ve been calling, but there’s just no answer.

JOEL

But they brought the goods?

OFFICER PHILLIPS

Most definitely.

JOEL

Then I guess they’ve earned their passage.

Joel goes back and sits at his desk and takes a clean set of forms out of the drawer.

JOEL

Names?

HAMZA

Hamza Akhur.

JOEL

So, we’re not Mexican?

OFFICER PHILIPS

Just put El Salvador.

AYNUR

Si, El Salvador.

OFFICER PHILIPS

What did I tell you?

JOEL

How do you spell your name?

HAMZA

A-K-H-U-R

JOEL

This your wife?

Dilbara suddenly jumps up and starts shouting at Hamza in an unknown language. Hamza answers her in a firm voice and slowly succeeds in getting her to sit down.

JOEL

Yeah! I see she’s your wife!

HAMZA

Dilbara. D-I-L…

JOEL

OK, I think I can manage that! Daughter’s name?

HAMZA

Aynur.

OFFICER MONTEZ

I thought it was Marisol?

JOEL

What’s that?

OFFICER MONTEZ

Ah, nothin’.

Joel writes the name on his forms.

JOEL

Country of origin?

Hamza remains mute.

Officer Philips sees the SUPERVISOR through the glass door.

OFFICER PHILIPS

(Nodding in the direction of the Supervisor)

Joel!

The Supervisor enters the office and Joel stands to attention. The Supervisor takes one look at Hamza and his family.

SUPERVISOR

What’s this? Afghans.

JOEL

No, sir…

OFFICER PHILIPS

We’re still trying to establish country of origin, sir.

SUPERVISOR

They’d better not be. We’ve filled the quota for Afghans. Ukrainians are okay. Anyway, Joel, get a move on. I need you to give me a ride home.

The Supervisor turns to leave the office.

JOEL

Yes, Sir. It shouldn’t take much longer.

The Supervisor exits.

OFFICER PHILIPS

Just put El Salvador. It will make it easier for everyone.

Joel continues filling in the blanks in the forms.

JOEL

(To the CBP Officers)

No contact?

OFFICER PHILIPS

Zero.

(To his colleague)

Isn’t that right?

OFFICER MONTEZ

Just the three of them. No one else in sight.

JOEL

Any…?

OFFICER MONTEZ

Not an ounce. Clean as a whistle.

OFFICER PHILIPS

Clean as a whistle.

Joel stamps the document.

JOEL

Have them ready for the next bus out of here.

(Looking at his watch)

It’s leaving in forty minutes.

OFFICER PHILIPS

(Taking the stamped document from Joel)

Thank you, Joel. I appreciate your efficiency.

JOEL

You owe me one!

The two exchange glances as the CBP Officers escort the family out of the office.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Challenging Situations.

6. What I learned that is improving my writing is that this assignment has sent me back to fundamentals, just as Assignment 11 did. It even forced me to ask myself, “Who is my Protagonist?” That’s a very basic question, but the way my script is currently written, it is not clear which character is the main Protagonist. Thanks to this assignment and the previous one, I now have a far more dramatic antagonist as well.

4.

Scene 1:

A. Current logline: The press corps wants to know more about the president’s adoption plans.

B. Essence: Doubts are raised as to whether the adoption plan is a good idea.

C. Possible challenges: Have more aggressive journalist questions / the President, not his Press Secretary, faces the journalists / a critical news commentator tears the plan apart on live TV.

D. The rewrite: I will remove the Press Secretary and put the president directly up against the journalists, perhaps on the North Lawn. I will also introduce the V-P leaking the adoption plan to the Press, so the president is taken unawares when the questions start flying. (This builds on how Assignment 11 helped make the V-P a more dramatic character.)

Scene 2: (This does not concern the main protagonist, but another important character.)

A. Current logline: The Uyghur family crosses into the US illegally with the help of two coyotes.

B. Essence: Dilbara is not happy about entering a country she hates.

C. Possible challenges: Argument with her husband Hamza / Refusal to get out of the truck and cross into the US / constant nagging of Hamza to wear him down.

D. The rewrite: Instead of just showing the family getting out of the truck and crossing into the US, the re-written scene will highlight the split within the family that will continue to play out later in the script. Hamza sees his plans almost fail before they have even started.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Full-Out Characters.

4. What I learned that is improving my writing is to begin always with the essence/vision. This assignment has forced me to go back and re-visit the essence and that has been excellent. Also, as I re-visited the character traits, I found opportunities for enhancing the story as a result of enhancing character traits. This has been a really valuable assignment with many positive (I hope) repercussions on my script.

2. CURRENT

Person 1:

Description: US President who is desperate to avoid defeat in the mid-terms.

Traits: Silly / Superficial / Selfish / Power-mad.

Sub-text: Fears his paternal instincts could jeopardize his political ambitions.

Person 2:

Description: Dilbara is mother of Aynur, the “Trojan Doll”.

Traits: Cold / Fanatic / Domineering / Plotting

Sub-text: She is jealous of her husband’s love for Aynur, her step-daughter.

Person 3:

Description: Vice-President, willing to do anything to occupy the Oval Office.

Traits: domineering / liar / manipulative / obsessive.

Sub-text: She is desperate to occupy the Oval Office.

3. REVISED

Person 1:

Description: US President who is desperate to avoid defeat in the mid-terms.

Traits: Reckless / Short-sighted / Ruthless / Blinded by political ambition.

Sub-text: Is reluctantly beginning to realize that being a father is more satisfying than being a president.

Person 2:

Description: Dilbara is a US-hating, Muslim fanatic.

Traits: Cold / Fanatic / Domineering / Plotting

Sub-text: She is willing to sacrifice others, but not herself in her Muslim crusade.

Person 3:

Description: Vice-President, willing to do anything to occupy the Oval Office.

Traits: ambitious / scheming / ruthless / political prostitute.

Sub-text: She is capable of treasonous acts if they help her become president.

END

[Paul McGregor]

NB I’m posting this even though it is an unfinished draft, since I am far behind and need to catch up.

FISHY BUSINESS

Logline: Ireland and Iceland show you don’t have to be a Great Power to go to war.

Essence: How diplomats bring war, not peace.

INT. UN SECURITY COUNCIL CHAMBER. DAY.

Iceland is presiding the Security Council. It is represented by its Ambassador, JÓN Jónsson. He is about to adjourn the meeting when NICK Murphy, the Ambassador of Ireland, starts to wave a bunch of papers in the air.

JÓN

I’d like to thank the United States for that briefing on progress in defeating the Taliban in Afghanistan. The meeting is adjourned!

NICK

(Shouting over the noise of chairs being pushed back.)

No, you don’t! No you don’t!

JÓN

Is the Representative of Ireland asking to take the floor?

NICK

I’ve been waving me ‘ands in the air for the past foive minutes, sure I ‘ave. Are ye bloind?

JÓN

Ireland has the floor. But, please be brief.

Other delegates reluctantly take their seats again to listen to Ireland.

NICK

I moight have the floor but Iceland has our fish!

JÓN

Could the distinguished representative of Ireland kindly keep to the agenda.

NICK

Well, you can stick this up your agenda!

There’s an outraged reaction from the other 14 countries around the table.

NICK

I meant, “on your agenda.” It’s, “Any udder business” sure it is.

JÓN

Please be brief, we only have interpretation till 1 pm.

NICK

Interpretation? Wish I’d known! I’d ‘a been speaking Gaeilge, sin do cinnte! Well, we’ve all learned a lot about Afghanistan this morning, but nothing about a coming war on our own doorstep.

A wave of astonished disbelief goes around the table. In the Visitor’s Gallery, people suddenly wake up. “War?” “War?” is heard.

NICK

(Addressing his US colleague)

Yes, you are not the only ones who can declare war, sure Oirland can do too, you know!

US AMBASSADOR

War against whom?!

NICK

Hope the Interpreters are getting this.

(Pointing a finger at the Icelandic president of the Security Council)

War against him, over der!

The bewildered delegates repeat: “Iceland?” “Iceland?” and share confused looks.

JÓN

(Using the gavel to try to bring order)

Please, please. I think we should move into private consultations for this matter.

NICK

No, you don’t! I want the world to know. You’ve been fishing in Oirish waters, and it’s got to stop… Or it’s war, sure it is!

UK AMBASSADOR

Holy mackerel!

JÓN

War?! War?! And the peaceful settlement of disputes?

NICK

You’ve had your chance at peace! I want to know how many tonnes of mackerel you’ve taken from us. You know the limit: 100,000 tonnes. So how much have you taken from Oirish tables?

Jón turns around to his advisers behind him who quickly pull out their cell phones and make calls.

NICK

I’ll tell you how much. Three times as much as ourselves and there are 5 million of us and just 370,000 of yourselves.

JÓN

Oh my God!

NICK
That’s it! You heard him! Omega! Iceland is trying to monopolize the global Omega 3 market.

US AMBASSADOR

Think what that could do to our leadership in sports!

CHINESE AMBASSADOR

We have the monopoly on Omega 3. We won’t be challenged!

The meeting dissolves in chaos and Jon slips out of the room, quickly followed by his aides.

INT. OUTSIDE THE SECURITY COUNCIL CHAMBER.

Jon walks away, avoiding journalists’ questions. Nick siezes the opportunity.

NICK

It’s war, sure it is.

JOURNALIST

Ireland against Iceland? Couldn’t that be confusing for a lot of people?

NICK

There’s no confusion who’s going to win, for sure. We’ve got the US and China on our side!

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s scene.

Cherchez la femme!

INT. MANHATTAN FIVE-STAR HOTEL ROOM

TRENT is celebrating his birthday with a big party. The room is packed with guests. In one corner, ROBERT, smartly dressed, is entertaining a small group with his witty remarks.

ROBERT
And then she tells me she knows this super-rich guy. She wouldn’t tell me his name.

GUEST 1
Hey, it could be someone in this room! The group giggles.

ROBERT
Doubt it. She also said he was very smart!

The group bursts out laughing. Trent wants to be in on the fun and strolls over to where Robert is holding court.

ROBERT (CONT’D)
If ever I find out who this guy is!

TRENT

What was her name?

ROBERT
Oh, hi Trent! Great party!

TRENT
I said, what was her name?

ROBERT (Looking at the other guests)

I always told her, whatever goes on in my apartment, stays in my apartment.

More giggles from the group.

TRENT
She must have had something to hide.

ROBERT
Hide? Anne-Marie?… Oops! I guess the secret’s out!

He takes another sip of his drink while the group bursts out laughing again. Trent walks away to join his group of intimate friends.

TRENT
(Whispers into the ear of a TALL GUY with broad shoulders)
Take him to the bedroom.

The Tall Guy moves over to Robert’s group while Trent resumes chatting with his friends.

TALL GUY (Taking Robert by the elbow)

Why don’t you come over here, Mr Nichols. Mr Sharpe has some very fine wines you might be interested in.

The Tall Guy leads Robert towards the bedroom.

TRENT
(Flattered by the special treatment)

Only for the connoisseurs, right?

INT. HOTEL BEDROOM.

Three toughs are standing around a chair in front of the dresser. Tall Guy pushes Trent into the chair.

TRENT And the wine?

Tall Guy whacks Trent across the head and he falls to the ground. One of the three heavies picks him back up and shoves him back on the chair.

TALL GUY
(Talking to the heavies)

OK. Get it out.

One of the heavies opens a big, black hold-all, and extracts a big box with electric cables. He plugs a cable into the wall-plug.

ROBERT
Hey! What’s going on here? What have I done?!

One of the heavies straps wires to his arms as another binds him to the chair.

INT. HOTEL ROOM.
Trent looks at his watch.

TRENT
(To his small group of friends)

You’ll excuse me a moment.

Trent strolls over to the bedroom.

INT. HOTEL BEDROOM.

Trent quickly takes charge of the situation. He signals to one of the heavies who turns on the electric charge. Robert screams, but the Tall Guy quickly stuffs a gag into his mouth. Trent struggles and squirms till the current is switched off.

TRENT
So, where can I find Anne-Marie?

ROBERT
Anne-Marie? What’s she got to do with anything?

Trent signals to switch on the current again. Robert goes into horrendous spasms, till Trent signals to stop.

TRENT
Was the question not clear?

Before, Robert can respond, there’s a knock at the door. Trent signals to Tall Man to go see who it is. He opens the door and lets TRENT’S ASSISTANT enter. He goes straight to Trent and whispers in his ear.

TRENT’S ASSISTANT
It’s the Hotel Manager. He says the bill has got to be paid, Now!

Trent turns to leave the bedroom.

TRENT
Something has come up. Stick with it. Find out where that bitch is!

Trent exits the room with his Assistant while the Heavies renew the torture.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Maximum Interest (Part 1).

5. What I learned from this assignment is that introducing more interest techniques in one scene can have an impact on many others, since it can introduced new elements that weren’t in the story before. The changes I have made in this scene will impact later scenes, so it’s like compound interest in finance.

1. Scene logline: The Customs and Border Patrol officer writes some code on the back of Hamza’s newly-issued immigration paper.

2. Essence of the scene: CBP is part of the people-trafficking system controlled by the Mexican drug cartels.

3. Interest techniques used:

– intrigue: what does that code mean? who is it for?

– character changes radically: this man in uniform is acting like a devious crook.

4. Re-written scene:

EXT. VEHICLE LOT OUTSIDE THE HOLDING CENTER. SAME.

The family lines up to board a bus with other migrants. Officer Philips approaches Hamza, takes the immigration paper from him and writes something in code on the back.

OFFICER PHILIPS

(Handing the document back to Hamza)

They’re taking you to an airport. They’re going to fly you out to Virginia tonight.

HAMZA

Virginia?

OFFICER PHILIPS

When you get there, you must ask for Mrs Lopez. You show her this paper. She’ll look after you.

HAMZA

Mrs Lopez?

OFFICER PHILIPS

That’s right. Lopez. And hold on to that piece of paper! You’ll be lost without it.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul Puts Essence to Work.

3. What I learned from this assignment is how to be extra-critical of scenes I have already written. It’s not easy to question what is already on the page. Also, when I cannot identify the purpose of a scene, I am tempted to simply delete it.

2.

Scene 1:

Location: Outside CBP facility.

Logline: CBP officer writes something on the back of Hamza’s immigration document.

Essence I’ve discovered: The CBP officer is just one of the first links in a chain of corruption.

New logline: CBP officer scribbles on back of Hamza’s immigration paper and tells him to hand it to a friend who will be waiting for him at the next stop.

Scene 2:

Location: Office of Director of NGO “Now Walls.”

Logline: NGO Director calls Dilbara so that she can come and meet Rashida who is about to arrive at her office.

Essence I’ve discovered: The NGO Director is already scheming to exploit Rashida’s position in the White House for subversive ends.

New logline: NGO Director calls her Chinese handlers for instructions, now she knows Rashida is working in the White House.

Scene 3:

Location: Hamza’s house

Logline: Rashida arrives to talk about Aynur being adopted by the president.

Essence I’ve discovered: Hamza and wife in conflict over what to do with Aynur.

New logline: Hamza and wife quarrel over Rashida’s plan to have Aynur adopted.

Scene 4:

Location: NGO office.

Logline: Dilbara and Mrs Jenkins discuss Rashida and Dilbara discovers doll.

Essence I’ve discovered: Dilbara discovers that Mrs Jenkins knows more than she should and more than she is letting on.

New logline: Dilbara discovers that the NGO that gave them so much support if part of a bigger operation.

Scene 5:

Location: White House, family quarters.

Logline: The First Lady is informed of the evacuation and the president says farewell to Aynur.

Essence I’ve discovered: President wants his wife and Aynur to leave just in case the threat is real.

New logline: The president hurries his wife and Aynur out of the White House, just in case.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Marketing Campaign

4. What I learned from this assignment is that “marketing yourself with average writing will create a very negative reputation for you.” That warning tells me that I have to hold off from marketing for the moment and get on with Phase 3 of MSC-16. But I’ll be applying the lessons learnt in this program when the time is ripe.

3. Notwithstanding the above, I will go for Marketing Campaign 1, Strategy 14: Select contests.

I will also go with Marketing Campaign #10, Strategy 1 – getting coverage from a coverage service.

My first action will be to research screenwriting contests and find a contest based on my needs.

These two actions will hopefully help me get feedback without prematurely burning my reputation with producers.

p.s. Good luck to you all in your new career as screenwriters!

[Paul McGregor]

Dear Producer,

Title: Scarred for Life

Genre: Thriller

Synopsis: Revenge is a dish best served cold. Terrorists killed her three best friends, now it’s their turn.

Cindy returns from a tour of duty in Afghanistan with horrendous scars caused by a terrorist attack that killed her 3 best buddies. To forget the hell she’s been through, she goes on a Mediterranean cruise. Because of her scars, she is scorned by other passengers, so she retreats to her cabin. That’s where she is when, off the coast of Libya, terrorists seize the vessel and immediately kill over 100 passengers.

The woman they scorned is now the only hope for the surviving passengers.

Cindy emerges from her cabin to take on the terrorists. One by one, she takes them out. The job is made harder when she discovers the 2^nd Mate is part of the plot. But he and the last two terrorists left standing, end up facing Cindy’s one-woman firing squad. Remembering the fate of her three friends, she shoots each terrorist dead and their bodies are thrown overboard. The passengers cheer. When the ship docks, the 500 surviving passengers disembark. But as the corpses of the 100 or so dead passengers are taken off, Spanish police come aboard to arrest Cindy. She leaves the ship handcuffed. The charge: violating the terrorists’ human rights.

Cindy has left the real world where people kill and get killed and returned to the fantasy word of human rights lawyers.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Yours,

PM

Bio: In 2019 I was finalist in an international screenwriting contest.

Contact: email / cell phone / address

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Target Market

3. What I learned from this assignment is that it answered the question I was left with after Assignment 9. How to approach the search for producers to contact? It has been really interesting to follow Hal’s method, using IMDBPro to track down producers and actors. The difficult part has been meeting the second criteria: similar in budget.

4.

“Scarred for Life”

Cindy returns from a tour of duty in Afghanistan where a terrorist attack killed her 3 best buddies and left her horribly scarred, but she soon gets the chance to wreak revenge.

Thriller

1. I went for movies that either had a terrorist theme and/or a fighting leading lady and came up with:

The 15:17 to Paris (2018)

American Sniper (2014)

Ava (2020)

Thank You For Your Service (2017)

The Old Guard (2020)

Whiteout (2009)

Agent Salt (2010)

Although they are clearly not all in my budget range.

But this has given me a list of 10 actresses (9 when I have to leave out Angelina Jolie who is probably not available!)

2. I identified 54 producers who have worked on movies with related themes. The search continues….

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Phone Pitch

4. What I learned from this assignment is that perhaps, with a methodical, businesslike approach, phone pitches don’t have to be the confused, embarassing scenario I imagine. It has taught me a lot about the sort of research that is necessary to identify the right production companies to approach and the right actors that could fit the script. It’s a lot of work, but necessary.

I would lead with credibility, even if mine is meagre:

Me: Hello, my name is Paul McGregor. One of my screenplays was a finalist in an international film festival and I’d like to pitch a script to you.

Producer: Look I don’t have much time and don’t normally take unsolicited scripts. Make it quick.

Me: It’s a Thriller. The Title is ‘Scarred for Life.’ It’s a sort of female version of the movie ‘Captain Phillips’.

Producer: Really? That movie cost $55 million to make. I’m not in that league.

Me: Yes, but this has no helicopters or the US navy on the budget.

Producer: OK. So what happens?

Me: <font face=”inherit”>Cindy is a war vet, back Afghanistan, with horrible scars from a terrorist bomb that killed her 3 best buddies. She’s goes on a cruise for some R&R, but it’s hijacked by terrorists. It’s a horrendous ordeal for all </font>on board and many are killed by the terrorists. But Cindy<font face=”inherit”> gets the chance to revenge the death of her best friends.</font>

Producer: Budget range?

Me: I reckon between around $5-10 million.

Producer: Who do you see in the main roles?

Me: I was thinking of Kate Mara. As you know, she was in “Megan Leavey”, also about a female combatant.

Producer: How many pages in your script?

Me: 100.

Producer: Who else has seen this?

Me: No one.

Producer: Why do you think this fits our company?

Me: I’ve been doing a bit of research and I see you make movies in this budget range.

Producer: How does it end?

Me: The ship docks. The surviving passengers, whose lives she saved by killing the terrorists, disembark. The corpses of all the dead passengers are being taken off the ship as the police come aboard. They arrest Cindy on charges of violating the terrorists’ human rights. Her real world, where real people kill and get killed, hits a fantasy world inhabited by human rights lawyers.

Producer: Thanks. Give me your phone number.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Pitch Fest Pitch

What I learned from this assignment is how pitch fests work. I have never been to one, so this helps a lot.

[Question: I am not sure why there is Credibility as Point 3 and again as Point 4.e.]

1.Credibility: I was a Finalist in an international screenwriting competition. I am a published writer of short stories and magazine articles.

2.Genre & Title: I have written a thriller. The title is: Scarred For Life.

3.One or two sentence hook: Terrorists killed her three best friends, now it’s her turn to kill three of them.

4.

Budget: Around $5 million.

Actors: Cindy could be played by someone like Kate Mara.

Acts of movie:

Cindy returns from a tour of duty in Afghanistan where a terrorist attack killed 3 of her best buddies and left her scarred for life.

To forget the hell she’s been through, she goes on a Mediterranean cruise. Because of her scars, she is scorned by other passengers, so she retreats to her cabin.

That’s where she is when, off the coast of Libya, terrorists seize the vessel and immediately kill over 100 passengers.

The surviving passengers now depend on the woman they scorned to save their lives.

Cindy emerges from her cabin to take on the terrorists. One by one, she takes them out. Remembering the fate of her three friends, she shows no mercy.

How does it end?:

When the ship docks, the 500 surviving passengers disembark. As the corpses of the 100 or so dead passengers are taken off, Spanish police come aboard. They arrest Cindy. The charge: violating the terrorists’ human rights.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Query Letter

5. What I learned from this assignment is that I have to put on my salesman’s hat but not lose my writer’s hat. I have to think 100% in terms of the reader. Hal says keep it short and make sure there is plenty of white space on the page, so perhaps I can still make it more concise.

3. Query Letter

Title: Scarred for Life

Genre: Thriller

Synopsis:

Terrorists killed three of her best friends; now it time for revenge.

Cindy returns from a tour of duty in Afghanistan after a terrorist attack killed three of her best buddies and left her scarred for life. To forget the hell she’s been through, she goes on a Mediterranean cruise. Because of her scarred body and face, she is scorned by the other passengers. She retreats to her cabin and that is where she is when terrorists hijack the vessel and kill over 100 passengers.

The remaining passengers now depend on the battlefield skills of the woman they scorned.

Cindy emerges from her cabin to take on the terrorists. She takes them out one by one but the job is made more difficult when she discover the 2nd Mate is on their side. But he and the last two terrorists finally end up facing Cindy’s one-woman firing squad. Remembering the fate of her three friends, she shoots each terrorist in the head. The passengers cheer. When the ship docks in a Spanish port police come aboard, passing by the corpses of the 100 or so dead passengers. They arrest Cindy. The charge: violating the terrorists’ human rights.

Cindy has left the real world again and returned to fantasy world.

If you like the concept, I’d be glad to send you the script.

Yours, PM

Bio: Finalist in an international screenwriting festival in 2019.

Contact details: email/phone/address.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s Synopsis Hooks

5. What I learned from this assignment is that this is definitely the way to go. Create your hooks, then write the script. This assignment really got me thinking from the point of view of hooks: what will make my script interesting to the audience at every turn. What I was not sure of was whether the synopsis should follow the example of the Zombieland synopsis, i.e. Hook/Paragraph/Hook/Paragraph/Final Hook. Also, my synopsis might be too long.

3. Hooks

Title: Scarred for Life

1. Terrorists killed her 3 best friends and she’s in no mood to forgive.

2. The protagonist, Cindy, has done 2 tours of duty in Afghanistan where an IED killed three of her buddies and left her scarred for life.

3. Cindy takes a cruise in the Mediterranean for R&R and to put her horrendous experience behind her. But other passengers scorn and avoid her because of her scarred face and body. They are not interested in the sacrifice she made to defend their freedoms.

4. She locks herself up in her cabin and is there when terrorists seize the ship off the coast of Libya and immediately execute over 100 passengers. The survival of the remaining 600 will depend on her.

5. She uses her battlefield skills to take out the terrorists one by one. She is helped in this by two other war vets amongst the passengers.

6. But her task is made harder when it turns out that the 2nd Mate is part of the terrorist plot.

7. Using one of the women who was sleeping with the 2nd Mate as bait, they capture him and line him up with the two remaining terrorists.

8. Cindy is ready to execute all three as memories of the death of her three friends go through her head. She asks the passengers if anyone is willing to do the dirty work. There are no volunteers. She shoots them one by one and has their bodies thrown overboard to cheers from all the passengers.

9. When the ship docks in Spain the surviving passengers disembark while Spanish police come on board to arrest Cindy: she has violated the human rights of the terrorists. Cindy has just returned from the real world to a fantasy world.

4. Synopsis.

Terrorists killed her three best friends and she is in no mood to forgive.

Cindy has just returned from her final tour of duty in Afghanistan with horrendous scars on her face and body caused by an IED explosion that killed three of her best buddies. In an attempt to forget the hell she has just been through, she goes on a Mediterranean cruise. Horrified by her scars, other passenger scorn her. She retreats to her cabin and that is where she is when terrorists seize the vessel and immediately execute over 100 passengers.

The survival of the remaining passengers now depends on the battle-field skills of the woman they scorned.

Cindy emerges from her cabin to take on the terrorists. One by one, and with the help of two other war vets amongst the passengers, she takes out the terrorists. The job is made harder when they discover the 2nd Mate is part of the terrorist plot. But he ends up bound and gagged alongside the final two terrorists. Cindy calls out to the passengers for someone ready to do the dirty work. No volunteers step forward. Recalling the death of her best friends, Cindy pulls the trigger and orders their bodies thrown overboard. The passengers cheer. When the boat docks in Spain, the surviving passengers get off. But as the bodies of those killed by the terrorists are being taken down the gangway, Spanish police come on board to arrest Cindy: she is charged with violating the human rights of the terrorists.

Cindy has returned from the real world and entered a fantasy world.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s High Concept / Elevator Pitch

4. What I learned from this assignment is how important the concept and elevator pitch are and actually determine much of the script. It has made me think what is really the essence of my story. Again, the thoughts provoked by this assignment will provide feedback for my script and lead me to make changes.

High Concept: A battle-scarred female war vet saves hundreds of lives when she foils a terrorist attack, but is then arrested for violating the terrorists’ human rights.

Elevator Pitch: A seriously-scarred Irak war vet is taking some R&R on a cruise liner. Because of her ugly scars she is shunned and scorned by her fellow-passengers. But when the ship is hijacked by terrorists, the lives of those same passengers will depend on her hard-won combat skills. She eliminates the terrorists, completely, but when the cruise-ship docks, she is arrested for not respecting their human rights.

[Paul McGregor]

Paul’s 10 Most Interesting Things

4. What I learned from this assignment is that having these 10 points to focus on helps me to look for interest potential and make interest a top priority as I write.

3. Ten most interesting things:

1. Most unique about the heroine: she is a war-veteran and victim of an IED explosion in Irak in which 3 of her fellow-soldiers died and now bears horrendous scars of war.

2. Major hook in opening scene: a pretty blonde is sunbathing near the pool on a cruise ship. A man approaches and says, “Hello!” She turns around and the right-side of her face is horrendously scarred. She puts out her hand to shake his, but the flesh on her right arm is like the flesh of a roasted chicken. He decides not to shake her hand, turns and walks away mumbling, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

3. Turning points:

a. In the first scene we think this is going to be a romantic encounter aboard a happy cruise ship, but discover the protagonist is seriously scarred and this is not going to be the romcom we expected.

b. The cruise ship is hijacked at night while the passengers party.

c. The protagonist is in her cabin when the hijacking occurs and from their she launches the counter-attack.

4. Emotional dilemma: Kill or not to kill. At the end, the heroine is left with three prisoners on the deck of the ship. She is still haunted by the scene of the IED explosion that killed her 3 friends. Her dilemma is: execute these men or not?

5. Major twists:

Set-up: the protagonist is taken one of the hijackers who has his gun to her head. Reversal: two of the passengers turn out to be war veterans too and kill the hijacker.

Set-up: the heroine counts on the Second Mate in the early stages of her strategy to eliminate the terrorists. Twist: he turns out to be part of the hijacking plot.

6. Reversals:

After saving the live of hundreds of passengers, when the cruise ship reaches a Spanish port, she is arrested for not respecting the terrorists’ human rights.

7. Big surprises:

Passengers, including women and children, will be brutally murdered by the terrorists. This is the “real thing”.

Other interesting points:

8. It is a “contained movie” insofar as 90% of the action takes place aboard a cruise ship.

9. It is “Captain Phillips” combined with “The 15:17 to Paris” with a female lead.

10. It breaks the mold insofar as the heroine is arrested despite the fact that she just saved hundreds of lives. So it sparks a political question for the audience: can so-called “human rights” be incompatible with saving human life?

END

[Paul McGregor]

Paul: Producer/Manager

What I learned today is that I have to see the process through the other person’s eyes and that I should keep my focus on getting the film made. Also, being businesslike in all contacts is of great importance.

1. I would present myself and my project to a producer in as concise a manner as possible. I would first present my title, genre and concept and keep biographical points to a minimum.

2. In speaking with a manager I would expand on the biographical details: finalist with another script in an international film festival; a published writer of fiction and newspaper and magazine articles. I would try to show that I can be businesslike and ready to listen to suggestions.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Day 2: Paul’s Marketable Components

4. What I learned from doing this assignment is exactly how, when you examine these top 10 components of marketability, it all enriches your script. It feeds back into the script to produce something far more interesting.

For example, as I brainstormed my title, I came up with several variants that gave me new insight into my protagonist.

I was quite happy with the original title “Scarred Not Scared”. Unless Cheryl or Hal tell me that’s fantastic, I decided it might be good line of dialogue, but there could be better titles.

For the moment, I am settling on “Scarred For Life”. What this title brings out is the fact that the protagonist has been on the battlefield to defend people back home from threats abroad. Now, aboard a cruise liner, where she is seeking R&R, she will be forced to apply the battle experience that gave her those scars to save the lives of her fellow-passengers.

The assignment also led me to think of the difference between a good title and good lines of dialogue. One of my brainstormed titles was, “Ugly Is As Ugly Does” (à la Forrest Gump) but I decided that was too light-hearted for the serious theme of the movie, but could fit in as dialogue.

1. Current logline:

A young woman with a badly scarred face and body is scorned and ignored by fellow passengers on the cruise ship until it is hijacked by terrorists and their lives depend on the skills she learned while getting those battle scars.

3. Pitching great role for bankable actor.

The protagonist breaks the mold for a “leading lady” since she is battle-scarred and not pretty to look at. She will also be forced to do some unsavory things to save the lives of hundreds of passengers on the cruise ship, hijacked by terrorists. She will emerge as a heroine and be acclaimed for her fighting skills and selfless courage if not for her Hollywood looks.

END

[Paul McGregor]

Day 2: Paul’s Marketable Components

4. What I learned from doing this assignment is exactly how, when you examine these top 10 components of marketability, it all enriches your script. It feeds back into the script to produce something far more interesting.

For example, as I brainstormed my title, I came up with several variants that gave me new insight into my protagonist.

I was quite happy with the original title “Scarred Not Scared”. Unless Cheryl or Hal tell me that’s fantastic, I decided it might be good line of dialogue, but there could be better titles.

For the moment, I am settling on “Scarred For Life”. What this title brings out is the fact that the protagonist has been on the battlefield to defend people back home from threats abroad. Now, aboard a cruise liner, where she is seeking R&R, she will be forced to apply the battle experience that gave her those scars to save the lives of her fellow-passengers.

The assignment also led me to think of the difference between a good title and good lines of dialogue. One of my brainstormed titles was, “Ugly Is As Ugly Does” (à la Forrest Gump) but I decided that was too light-hearted for the serious theme of the movie, but could fit in as dialogue.

1. Current logline:

A young woman with a badly scarred face and body is scorned and ignored by fellow passengers on the cruise ship until it is hijacked by terrorists and their lives depend on the skills she learned while getting those battle scars.

3. Pitching great role for bankable actor.

The protagonist breaks the mold for a “leading lady” since she is battle-scarred and not pretty to look at. She will also be forced to do some unsavory things to save the lives of hundreds of passengers on the cruise ship, hijacked by terrorists. She will emerge as a heroine and be acclaimed for her selfless courage and fighting skills if not for her Hollywood looks.

END

[Paul McGregor]

1. Genre: Drama. Title: SCARRED NOT SCARED

Concept: The young woman’s battle-scarred face leads her co-passengers to scorn and avoid her until the cruise ship is hijacked by terrorists and their lives will depend on her courage and battle-field skills.

2. It’s “Voyage of Terror, The Achille Lauro Affair” but with a female lead.

3. Target: I was going to say producers because I am not familiar with managers or what they do, but, after reading Thomas Duffy’s post, I will certainly explore that route.

4. What I learned today is that less is better and the importance of being able to get a message across with few words. I also learned that managers can play a very useful role.

[Paul McGregor]

My name is PAUL McGREGOR and I agree to the terms of this Release Form:

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Paul McGregor]

My name is Paul McGregor

I have written 5 scripts.

My marketing skills are close to zero, so I have everything to learn from this class.

I’m an Irish expat in Mexico.

[Paul McGregor]

(Sorry, Rebecca. I first posted this in the wrong place.)
Congratulations, Rebecca, on having an optioned script and on your success if the Faith in Film International Festival. I just have one question: the title is Many Wives, but your script seems to concentrate on Sherwood’s first wife, Cornelia Lane. Does the script do justice to the title?
Good luck with this course and all your writing.
Paul

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Rebecca,
Thank you! Very interesting. I take your point about being shorter. I like the way you shortened the logline. Maybe I don’t need to go into the ‘new skills/old skills’ thing.
Now I must repay the complement, and look at your assignment and see if I can provide any feedback.
Again, many thanks!
Paul

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Michael,
I hope you have fond memories of the place. Where did you live in Mexico?
Good luck with the course.
Paul

[Paul McGregor]

Thanks for that, Sandeep. I have just checked and am still locked out until the promised date of 30th June. Yes, I have sent several emails to support@screenwritingu.com Still no response.

Anyway, I will also try to catch up with the forums and send you any feedback I think relevant. All the best as you go forward. Cheers!

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Sandeep, I’m glad to see that you, Deb and Patricia have been able to access Week 4 classes.

Whenever I have tried, I keep getting the message that Week 4, Day 1 will become available on June 30th., July 2nd…. I just hope they mean 2023!

I’ve been sending requests for the problem to be resolved, but it’s radio silence from Customer Service. You could say it is a “Very Uncomfortable Moment.” That’s why you have seen no postings from me this week.

Anyway, you won’t be around when I get to do Day 1-5 of Week 4, so I just want to wish you every success with your script and it’s been fun exchanging ideas.

All the best,

Paul

[Paul McGregor]

Yes, this is a very good class.

I just wish I didn’t keep getting the message: “Available on… June 30th… Available on July 2nd 1:30 am” when I try to access the lessons in Week 4. Anyway, I am sure it will be worth the wait!

Good luck with the rest of the class and with your script.

Paul

ps: In a couple of weeks time I should be on the road from Sarnia to Detroit, forest fires allowing. Hope you can keep clear of the smoke.

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Deb, I don’t wish to add to your confusion, like the blanket of smoke now covering New York. But, I am reading your message on Wednesday 7th June, and your message appeared in the Forums for Week 4.

I also began on May 15th and am now in Week 4.

I cannot proceed because I keep getting a message that Week 4, Day 1 will not be available till 30th June. Are you having a similar problem?

I have informed Support Team but the problem continues.

Maybe this cloud of smoke will soon lift.

Good luck.

[Paul McGregor]

Don’t worry, Sandeep, I am probably more ignorant of American football than you are. I think it’s the anonymity of the players that ruins it for me. How can you relate to players when their faces are all hidden under the same helmet? Give me baseball any day!

[Paul McGregor]

Thanks, Sandeep, for that encouraging comment. What’s more, it’s based on real events. Good luck to you with your script!

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Sandeep, You wrote: “…the camera, lighting and scene composition, per shot and sequencing it
is as effective as dialog. Writing those too specifically however would
annoy a director.” That is exactly what I meant when I replied to another person on this course (Week 2, Day 5) who asked me about meaning that is conveyed without dialogue. I agree with you. There’s a fine balancing line between doing the director’s job, yet trying to factor in non-verbal elements that can get a scene’s meaning across. All the best.

[Paul McGregor]

Sorry, Patricia, for the delayed response. What I meant by that was how much meaning can be communicated by lighting, location, dress and many other physical factors, before the character opens their mouth. It’s like public speaking in general. When you get up before a group of people to deliver a speech, for example, you have spoken before you open your mouth – dress, demeanor, how you look at the audience etc. Of course, we are not supposed to do the director’s job with our descriptions. Still, this scene from A Star Is Born did get me thinking about how much meaning we find in a scene that is not spoken in the dialogue. All the best!

[Paul McGregor]

Yes, Deb, I agree. Also makes me want to see the whole movie. Seeing such scenes shows me what we have to aspire to. Sometimes it seems like a very distant shore. But we’re far from the shallow now. We have to keep on swimming! I mean writing! Good luck with your script!

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Sandeep, Yes, I also sent a message to Customer Support. Maybe tomorrow (24th May) I’ll get access to Week 2, Day 2 class. Thanks.

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Sandeep. Are you also having problems accessing Week 2, Day 2? I get a message saying it will be available on 30th May.

Sorry, I wanted to send you this message via our Connection, but couldn’t work out how to do it.

Thanks.

[Paul McGregor]

Thanks, Sandeep. Will try to watch it too. Now, onto Week 2… All the best.

[Paul McGregor]

Hi Sandeep, I was thinking, after writing that, that maybe we find out earlier in the movie why he didn’t want to return to CA. Since I hadn’t watched the movie (I was never a great fan of Robin Williams) I didn’t know his reasons. Good luck with your writing!

[Paul McGregor]

Yes, Lawrence. And one of the most fascinating exercises I have found in Hal’s classes is when he asks us to “interview” our protagonist, antagonist etc. That seemed so crazy, at first. It is as though those people exist outside of our mind. But Hal is right. They do! And, as you say, “they surprise us” by taking paths we never expected them to take. It makes for a fascinating experience for the writer. Good luck!

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Sandeep, (Hope I pronounced the ‘d’ softly enough!) Yes, “living into their future” required some thought. I just worked with what I thought it meant and ran with it.

Enjoyed that Bagger Vance scene immensely. The lessons can apply to writing. We can be negative: “I lost my swing.” Or proactive: “You lost your swing – we have to go find it.”

Onwards and upwards!

[Paul McGregor]

Yes, Nick, as you say “Rules are meant to be broken, when broken well.” Yesterday I happened to be watching the Closer Look video about dialogue on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEgsIV98ZmU) and he says the same thing: “Rules are guidelines, and sometimes the most entertaining examples are those who break those rules.”

[Paul McGregor]

Yes, Nick, and Hal repeatedly warns against wall-to-wall talk. As I was watching the scene from The Terminator I had the same thought: Isn’t Cameron breaking all Hal’s rules on dialogue? Maybe there’s an insight in there somewhere!

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Sandeep, Interesting! Who was the nuncio? What was the stint? To answer your question, they spoke French (Benedict) and Spanish (Francis). I just spoke English to whoever was watching cable news TV at 10 in the morning on those particular days. Good luck with the class!

[Paul McGregor]

Hello again, Kristina.

It’s not really ready for feedback, but maybe I could send you the first 3 acts and you could tell me what you think. But it could be Thursday. Module 7 will have to wait for me to catch up, I’m afraid.

Good luck!
Paul

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Kristina,

Sorry I missed that email. I’ll email you in a moment.

I might be in a similar situation to you. My draft is still very much work in progress, so I might send you just the first 3 acts and that is likely to take a couple of more days.

All the best,

Paul

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Krisitina,

I’m of the paper generation. I print it out. That works better for me.

By the way, I am going to post my email address on the Forums for exchanging feedback. If you want to exchange feedback with me, the address is: mcgregor16@hotmail.com.

I’d love to see your script.

But a heads-up: I am only ready with 3 of the 4 acts.

All the best,

Paul

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Kristina, I don’t know about you, but Assignment 14 represents a lot of work. I’m going to need 2-3 more days to complete. (Writing on Monday 27 March). Good luck with your script!

[Paul McGregor]

Thanks, Kristina, for the heads-up! I’ll start posting.

[Paul McGregor]

Yes, Kristina. I don’t know what is happening with the Forums for Module 6. Normally support@screenwritingu.com do respond to queries, but I’ve sent several emails and received no response. Anyway, I’m now busy trying to bust the clichés as part of Assignment 3. I wish you good luck and, most of all, determination! We mustn’t give up!

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Kristina,

Sorry, I was off the grid again for a few days. I too have been emailing the Support Team about the Forums for Module 6. No reply so far. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to get around this problem. If I get a reply to my emails, I’ll let you know. I am on Lesson 3 of Module 6 and have not been able to post my assignments 1 and 2. Anyway, I’m still going forward with my script (when limited time allows) and I hope you are too. Best wishes, Paul.

[Paul McGregor]

Dear Kristina, Thank you for that. I was not able to reply earlier since I was off the grid. The problem is, I also roll! Yes, I roll around doubting and hesitating. But we’ll get there. Won’t we?! The very best of luck with your script. Onwards and upwards!

[Paul McGregor]

Kristina, Glad to hear you are moving towards your goal. You’ll get there! Good luck!

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Brandyn, Thanks for the reply. Sorry for the delay in replying, due to my day job. Now let’s see how you can send me your outline… My email is: mcgregor16@hotmail.com

[Paul McGregor]

I’m going to Cleveland Museum of Art right now! (Via Google!) Very atmospheric. I was very inconsistent with Creative Mastery 4, but I learnt some very valuable lessons. I now have to get back into MSC-16. Not easy to juggle two screenwriting.com courses at once. Wishing you lots of open doors for your scripts!

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Edward, Sorry this comes more than a week after you posted your scene. I have just read your first and second drafts and I do see an improvement, starting with the Logline. In the first version the needed funds are turned down, but at the end of the scene we are not sure the funds will be rejected. So, I prefer your revised Logline. Not so sure about the Essence. “The power of love and money” might sound like a platitude. “Heated arguments release honest emotion” reads more as more original and more specific to this scene. Reducing the amount of description on pages 1 and 2 was also an improvement. As I read version 1 I was wondering whether the scene in the Donor Development Office was necessary and whether you couldn’t begin with Casey running to Marcus with the check and dagger in her hand. That said, the Guard does have some anticipatory dialogue (“A battle of wills is never won until the love of the will is defeated.”) which adds to the intrigue. That later prompts the question in my mind, “How does this donor know Marcus so well?” As I read your scene I ran through the list of 20 Interest Techniques and I think you cover most of them. 1. Suspense: will he accept the $10 million dollars? 2. Major Twist: the donor turns up / Marcus declares his love for Casey. 3. Surprise: the dagger in the chest! 4. Interesting setting: this dusty museum is interesting and original. 7. Uncertainty: Will Marcus finally accept the check? 10. Cliffhanger: Is he really dead? There is quite a lot of Interest Technique 20: anticipatory dialogue. This includes Marcus’s, “Has he fair maiden…” speech and his soliloquy based on Dido and Aeneas. What I did have a problem with in both versions is the sudden change in Casey, where she goes from, “Mr Blake! Mr Blake!…” to “Marcus” when she’s trying to grab back the check. Their sudden physical proximity doesn’t seem on its own to justify the sudden switch. Now, do the character traits come through? Casey is tough when she is drafting the letter to the unwilling donor, but hardly polite! Her caring is shown in her behaviour towards the volunteer Guard. She certainly manages to distract Marcus when she goes for the check and takes his mind of the conflict by rubbing up against him. Marcus comes over as commanding in the way he says he will not change his mind and orders Casey to write a “thank you but no thank you” letter. He is certainly imaginative; indeed he spends a lot of time in imaginary conversation with the artefacts in the gallery. He is also apologetic, “… we’ve got off on the wrong foot.” However, is he strategic? He seems, on the contrary, to be willing to shoot himself in the foot by refusing the $10 million. Having said all that, I feel, as I read that text, that it has been written by someone who knows what he’s doing. I have no idea how you came up with this very original story with a very original setting. I enjoyed reading the scene and it kept me engaged till the end. I just hope you are more organised than me in your work! Wishing you lots of luck with your writing!

Best wishes!

Paul

[Paul McGregor]

Hello Edward, I think I owe you an apology. You replied to one of my earlier assignments, but I didn’t discover it till some time afterwards. My humble apologies. I would like to exchange notes with you, but perhaps you have moved on already. I have not kept up to date with the assignments on this course and am only do doing my re-write of the scene. I will look at yours now. Thanks again. Paul.