[Philip Huber]

Hi Gordon,

This sounds like a compelling true action story for sure. The opening hook though does come across to me like a fairly standard situation for an action movie.

What I think could do with some more emphasis is focus on the characters. Who is the protagonist for example? What is the developing culture of the Legion. They are mercenaries – so who/what are they really fighting for?

Hope this assists

Best regards

Philip

[Philip Huber]

Philip’s Draft 2

Title: Watch Out For Drop Bears!

Written by Philip Huber

Genre: Buddy Comedy

Would you travel 10,000 miles in search of a hoax animal?

Ben and Owen do. And they’re zoologists! Though inept ones, and they’re escaping Regina, their ball-crushing boss who happens to be the girl Owen pranked in college and Ben’s ex-girlfriend.

And the hoax animal?

A Drop Bear is an evil, but still cute, 120 lb koala with fangs that supposedly preys on tourists in the Australian Outback. The Aussies are such kidders. As the Boys learn when they arrive in Sydney.

But maybe the Aussies shouldn’t be so smug.

When there’s a toxic uranium spill in prime Drop Bear habitat and reports of growling in the night, the sparring BFFs renew their quest for the elusive killer koala, and the fame, fortune, and groupies that inevitably await.

If you like the concept of Watch Out For Drop Bears!, I’d be delighted to send you the script.

Bio: I’ve co-produced a feature film (Turnover) and written and produced two short films (A Screenplay About Something and Lachlan Runs Free).

This story is based around the real-life Drop Bear gag the Aussies use to fool gullible tourists; including me and my compatriots.

[Philip Huber]

Phil’s Synopsis Hooks

I learned I’d written a pretty good synopsis prior to the class that ticked off most off the hooks. I revised it to add one of the hooks identified in the exercises.

Ben a Zoology major with a bug obsession and his BFF Owen; a loud taxidermist with a passion for fur, have been inseparable since college. Ben is dependent on Owen for his direction in life and Owen delights in having a groupie.

Thirteen years after barely graduating they slave away in a rundown museum for Regina; their ball-crushing boss and Ben’s ex-girlfriend.

When Owen discovers the elusive Drop Bear, with a suspicious resemblance to a killer koala, on the internet, he entices Ben to escape Regina’s torments, quit their dead-end jobs and undertake a quest to Australia to capture one, certain that fame and fortune awaits.

Upon arrival in Sydney the local barflies laughingly inform them that the animal’s a hoax. The Boys retreat to a rundown hostel where Ben contemplates returning to Regina’s clutches at the Museum. When the Boys find they are sharing their bunkroom with Ingrid and Marino, two backpacker girls, Ben is immediately lovestruck by Ingrid.

After Owen hears of a toxic uranium spill at a mine site in the Australian Outback and growling in the night, he’s sure Drop Bears are real. Ben isn’t convinced, but when Owen tells Ben the Girls are joining him on his quest and that Ingrid is attracted to Ben, he agrees to follow Owen one more time.

So the foursome set off for the Outback in a beat-up Kombi van. On the road Ben makes ungainly moves on Ingrid but finds that Owen’s getting along a little too well with her. Soon the Boys are in hot competition for Ingrid’s affections. Just when Ben thinks he’s in with a chance, Owen and Ingrid slip away together.

At the mine site Owen twists Ben’s arm into being bait in a Drop Bear trap. Ben follows Owen’s instructions to fake his best Kiwi accent to lure a Drop Bear but draws the line at Owen’s smug advice on how to get girls and storms off alone into the dark.

After Owen traps a Drop Bear on the mine site the foursome are betrayed by Regina who is now also seeking a Drop Bear and captured by the miners determined to prevent further news of mutant koalas leaking to the media. Ben heroically frees Ingrid, Marino, and even Regina from their restraints. With their friendship on the line Ben hesitates to release Owen as the miners return, and Ben and the Girls escape in the nick of time, leaving Owen behind.

After fighting off an attacking Drop Bear and making a perilous escape back to their campground, Ben decides he must return to free Owen. As Ben sneaks back into the mining headquarters, Drop Bears fall from trees sinking their fangs into miners as they try to bat them away. Ben confronts Owen about his multiple deceptions as Drop Bears attack all around. Ben tells Owen he’ll no longer be his groupie and releases Owen. They fight off Drop Bears as a forest fire rages behind them wiping out all in its path and escape with their lives.

The Boys now unemployed, penniless, and sans Drop Bear, bid farewell to the Girls and ask Regina for their jobs back. She agrees, delighted to have her minions back in her control. As the Boys board the airplane home Ben is excited to learn that his application for a job curating an insect collection at Stanford has been successful. Ben toasts Owen to an enduring but independent friendship.

[Philip Huber]

Philip’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch

1. To find your main hook, tell us what the big picture explanation of your lead character’s journey is.

Ben must decide whether to remain Owen’s life-long follower/groupie or break free to find his own path in life.

2. How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible?

• Dilemma

• Main Conflict

A 35-year-old science nerd must decide whether to remain his BFF’s life-long groupie or break free to find his own path in life.

• What’s at stake?

• Goal/Unique Opposition

What if a pair of bungling American zoologists were lured on a Snipe Hunt to track down a hoax animal in the Australian Outback?

3. Using the 10 Components of Marketability, what is your Elevator Pitch?

I’m polishing a script about a 35-year-old science nerd who must decide whether to remain his BFF’s life-long groupie or break free to find his own path in life.

I’m polishing a script about a pair of clueless American zoologists who are lured on a Snipe Hunt to search for a hoax animal in the Australian Outback.

[Philip Huber]

Philip’s 10 most interesting things

I learned a deeper analysis of my script can lead to the identification of valuable marketing material.

A. What is most unique about your villain and hero?

· Ben is a frustrated nerd so obsessed with bugs that he can’t break-away from Owen, his life-long buddy in control of Ben’s destiny

· Owen is a loud, impulsive taxidermist who relishes Ben being his follower and surreptitiously controlling his life. Although on the surface he appears to be a co-protagonist he is actually the chief villain

B. Major hook of your opening scene?

The hero and two villains fight in a college class revealing that they are in a love-hate triangle

C. Any turning points?

· Owen finds a fake web page about a Drop Bear on the internet and believes it’s real

Ben and Owen quit their jobs in search of a
Drop Bear
They learn that the Drop Bear is a hoax
Owen believes the Drop Bear is a real mutant
koala and they resume their search
Regina travels to Australia to beat the boys
to capturing a Drop Bear
They are captured by the miners
The Drop Bears are destroyed in a bush fire
Ben and Owen decide to back to working with
Regina
Ben splits with Owen to find his own way in
life

D. Emotional dilemma?

Ben must decide whether to remain Owen’s life-long
follower or break free to find his own path in life.

E. Major twists?

Ben splits from Owen then saves him from the
miners and Drop Bears

F. Reversals?

Ben takes time to lecture Owen and control
his fate before freeing him from the miners

G. Character betrayals?

Owen invents a fictious moth that lives on
the Drop Bear to entice Ben to join him in the quest for a Drop Bear
Owen tells Ben that Ingrid is attracted to
him to entice him to resume their search for the Drop Bear

H. Or any big surprises?

Drop Bears go from hoax animal to real mutant
koalas

2. Make a list of any other things in your script that could interest a producer.

The Drop Bear is a real myth. A Snipe Hunt type of gag played by Aussies on foreign tourists featuring hoax creatures which are evil but still cute 120 lb Koala Bears with fangs that attack people speaking in foreign accents by dropping onto them from trees.

This is a buddy comedy based around a coming of age story where two 35 year old men finally realize they have an unhealthy dependence on each and need to break free to find their own paths in life.

3. Organize both and select the 10 most interesting things. Post those to the forums.

1. The Drop Bear is a real myth. A Snipe Hunt gag played by Aussies on foreign tourists featuring hoax creatures which are evil but still cute 120 lb Koala Bears with fangs that attack people speaking in foreign accents by dropping onto them from trees.

2. This is a buddy comedy based around a coming of age story about two 35 year old men – Ben and Owen – they’re man-children

3. Characters;

Hero – Ben is a frustrated nerd so obsessed with bugs that he can’t break-away from Owen, his life-long buddy in control of Ben’s destiny

Hero or chief villain? – Owen is a loud, impulsive taxidermist who relishes Ben being his follower and surreptitiously controlling his life. Although on the surface he appears to be a co-protagonist he is actually the chief villain.

Villain – Regina – a museum director and Ben’s ex-fiancé relishing total control over Ben and Owen; her man-child underlings

4. Theme/central dilemma – Ben must decide whether to remain Owen’s life-long follower/groupie or break free to find his own path in life.

5. Opening Scene: Ben, Owen, and Regina fight in a college class revealing that they are in a love-hate triangle

6. Owen finds a fake web page about a Drop Bear on the internet and believes it’s real. He tries to convince Ben to join him in the quest for a Drop Bear but Ben’s not interested after his previous experience in Owen’s mad schemes.

7. Owen invents a fictious moth that lives on the Drop Bear to entice Ben to join him

When Ben and Owen get to Sydney they learn that the Drop Bear is a
hoax

9. Drop Bears are revealed to be real koalas that have mutated due to a toxic uranium spill

Owen tells Ben that Ingrid is attracted to him to entice him to
resume their search for the Drop Bear

[Philip Huber]

Philip’s Query Letter – draft one

Title: Watch Out For Drop Bears

Written by Philip Huber

Genre: Buddy Comedy

Would you travel 10,000 miles in search of a hoax animal?

Ben and Owen do. And they’re zoologists! Though inept ones, and they’re escaping Regina, their ball-crushing boss who happens to be Ben’s ex-girlfriend and the girl Owen pranked in college.

And the hoax animal?

A Drop Bear is an evil, but still cute, 120 lb Koala with fangs that supposedly preys on tourists in the Australian Outback. The Aussies are such kidders. As the Boys learn when they arrive in Sydney.

But maybe the Aussies shouldn’t be so smug.

When there’s a toxic uranium spill in prime Drop Bear habitat and reports of growling in the night, the sparring BFFs set forth for the Outback on their quest, testing the limits of their bromance.

If you like the concept of Watch Out For Drop Bears!, I’d be delighted to send you the script.

Bio: I’ve co-produced a feature film (Turnover) and written and produced two short films (A Screenplay About Something and Lachlan Runs Free). This story is based around the real-life Drop Bear gag the Aussies use to fool gullible tourists; including me and my compatriots.

[Philip Huber]

Philip Producer/Manager

1. How will you present yourself and your project to the producer?

As a professional who understands script marketability and will collaborate to get the project made.

2. How will you present yourself and your project to the manager?

As a professional who will take on assignments, pitch, and collaborate well to sell projects.

What I learned today is to focus on developing marketable projects and getting them made.

[Philip Huber]

Philip’s Marketable Components

Logline: A bungling pair of American zoologists quit their dead-end jobs to track down a hoax animal in the Australian Outback, testing the limits of their bromance.

A. Unique – a pair of clueless zoologists go in
search of a hoax animal in the Australian Outback in a desperate attempt to
resurrect their careers

J. A great role for a bankable actor;

Ben – nerdy zoologist with a bug obsession and a touch of Asperger’s

Owen – loud, impulsive taxidermist seeking instant fame and fortune through his crazy schemes

Regina – a museum director relishing total control over her man-child underlings

I learned to look at a broader range of marketing elements for the script and develop some hooks to address these elements. Also changing the ending of the script to better deliver on the theme and more clearly convey its hook.

[Philip Huber]

Genre: buddy comedy

Title: Watch Out For Drop Bears!

Logline: A bungling pair of American zoologists quit their dead-end jobs to track down a hoax animal in the Australian Outback, testing the limits of their bromance.

Concept: It’s a story about friendships that can lead you down the wrong path in life.

Comps: The Bang Theory meets Dumb and Dumber

Most attractive: It has 3 over-the-top characters in a compelling relationship – an introverted bug specialist and a brash taxidermist in a sparing bromance, topped off with a man-killing museum director in a love-hate triangle. All on a quest to trap a barely-credible mythic animal in the Australian Outback.

I’ll target an actor’s production company first as I think the quirky characters and whacky storyline are fun and unique, forming a platform from which actors can show off the breadth of their comedic talents and build on their careers.

What I learned today is standing back and reassessing the material from a marketing perspective leads to valuable insights on the story as well as how to market it.

[Philip Huber]

Name: Philip Huber

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Philip Huber]

Hi everyone,

I’ve written two feature spec scripts, and several shorts two of which I have produced with mostly amateur crews. Diverging into filmmaking has been a great (and challenging) experience that has lifted my writing skills and understanding of the filmmaking business.

I hope the class will give me insights into the marketing process, and the skills and some confidence to sell my comedy spec.

Something unique about me, that may not be so unique in this group, is that I’ve set up my own filmmaking micro production company – Golden Smile Media. Check it out on IMDb and Facebook where you can find links to my short films. I’m based in Queensland, Australia – not really unique – but just so you know; e.g. in case you see some strange spelling and humour.

[Philip Huber]

Thank you Douglas. I appreciate your input

[Philip Huber]

Hi Elizabeth,

Yes I’d like to stay in touch.

This is my email – philhuber@tpg.com.au

Thank you for arranging this.

Best regards

Philip

[Philip Huber]

Hi Debbie, there are many scary elements to this story with interesting hooks. However, I think you have included too many in the query letter and it would be better to focus on a couple and link them clearly to convey the concept. My suggestion is to pick the most provocative – the reptilian insemination and pregnancy. Some points that could be clarified in regards to this is the insemination process, Abigail finding out she is pregnant with a reptile, and presumably her decision to keep the baby/hatchling?. Also I think it would be useful to state the genre.

Best regards

Phil

[Philip Huber]

Hi Douglas, thank you for your review and suggestions. The title is problematic. I was hoping it would create curiosity, instead it appears to create confusion even with the description. Time for a rethink or perhaps if I describe Drop Bears as killer koalas that will convey the story more clearly.

[Philip Huber]

Miles off. Different genre – thriller? vs buddy comedy, hoax vs extinct animal. Care to comment on the Query Letter?

[Philip Huber]

Hi Mark,

1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story?

Great opening hook! So the storm was created as a weapon. Accidentally? This could do with some elaboration later and how it can be directed to attack.

2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?

I think you are trying to explain too much of the plot. It could do with more focus on Holden. He’s a scientist but how is he related to the storm – I could guess through multiple readings that he created it accidentally with his team but this could be clarified and add depth to his character – he has a lot on his conscience.

3. Does it end with a hook (impossible goal or emotional dilemma) that increases the chance a producer will request the script?

Possibly yes, but because I’m not clear on the above it doesn’t land as well as it might.

Love the concept. I suspect you have a great script and it’s a matter of limiting the plotting details to focus more on one or two elements in the Query Letter.

Best regards

Philip Huber

[Philip Huber]

Hi Cara,

1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story?

The opening doesn’t really hook me as I’m not clear on the meaning. ‘Famous’ poetry sounds a bit awkward. Could do with a rethink.

2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?

I like the description of Rilke as ‘fragile’. Some elaboration on this could add some needed depth to the protagonist.

His decision to befriend Auguste Rodin could do with some further explanation.

3. Does it end with a hook (impossible goal or emotional dilemma) that increases the chance a producer will request the script?

The end hook could be more compelling. Clarification with a hint on how he ends his obsessive relationships to achieve fame may be worth consideration.

The potential of the story does grab me though even without ever having heard of Rilke.

Best regards

Philip Huber

[Philip Huber]

Hi Cara,

thank you for your thoughtful review.

This is helpful for my next revision.

Best regards

Philip