[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde – Marketing Campaign

What I learned is to elevate my marketing campaign to a professional level.

My POA is as follows:

1. Identify film’s target audience and test assumptions

2. Join Facebook groups whose members may be interested in the subject of my film

3. Build a website to use as a marketing tool

4. Shoot and edit doc short for purposes of building an audience and gather analytics from work-in-progress screenings

5. Add early press to my marketing assets

6. Continue to watch/attend producer panels

7. Network and look for paths to possible referrals

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Wow, Thomas, the second draft is wonderful. What a difference! I also second Andrea’s suggestions. Congratulations, you did it!

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Liz, I’m not sure if this is your first or second query, but I like it. However, institutionalize him again, made me go back to see what I’d missed. And I don’t think you should try to take time to explain it. The shorter the read, the better. For me, cutting the second paragraph would make it concise and compelling and still tell the basic story. Making the sentences shorter would strengthen the read:

Evan hopes this move will be different (love this). Maybe he won’t be bullied at school. Maybe his Dad will keep his job. There’s a bigger problem. Abigail, a lonely dead girl, lives in his backyard. She wants love — which means his family. His mother doesn’t believe she exists. His little sister thinks she’s magic. He’ll have to stop her on his own.

Abigail has a supernatural arsenal. dead “pet” to kill him. When one of her “human pets” kills his mother, Evan must get the rest of his family off Flint Hill before they become hers forever.

Credentials: My screenplays, Flint Hill, and The Widows Watch, have won honors in notable screenwriting competitions.

Then I suggest, you put the two really great quotes beneath.

Hope this helps.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

a

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde – Query Letter Draft TWO

What I learned…is the value of feedback from my peers. Thanks to each of you for your comments that enabled me to hone my query to accurately reflect what the story is.

Dear Producer,

Creating Zinzi tells the cultural awakening story of a White Playwright and a Black Broadway Producer as they workshop an American musical in Africa and search for a child to play the title role, “Zinzi.”

It is a character-driven drama written with Sally Field and Alfre Woodard in mind.

Socially relevant themes — racism, sexism, ageism, and the value of arts education — occur naturally in the story as the pair collaborate with indigenous artists and navigate clashing cultures and real-life perils to ensure the authenticity of the show’s music, song, and dance. This leads to a spiritual awakening as the women come to the shocking realization that the Ancestor Spirits wield a hand in the musical’s fate.

My writing credits include: Nicholl Fellowship Finalist, William Wisdom – William Faulkner top five finalist for Zinzi, a novel, Kaufman Award for Zinzi the Musical (seen in snippets in the screenplay). I’m a produced playwright and a member of The Broadway League. An early draft of Creating Zinzi was a Page Quarter-Finalist and I’ve recently returned from shooting the proof-of-concept in South Africa.

I look forward to hearing from you.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.
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• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde – Query Letter Draft ONE

What I learned from doing this assignment is to research your targeted person, make sure he/she makes a good fit for your film so you don’t waste their time or yours, then tailor the query to them.

Dear Producer,

I recently finished shooting a proof-of-concept film in South Africa for a drama entitled, CREATING ZINZI. Written wth Sally Field and Alfre Woodard in mind, it tells the story of a white playwright and a Black Broadway producer who workshop an American musical in Africa. Collaborating with indigenous artists, they navigate clashing cultures and real-life perils to ensure the authenticity of the musical’s African scenes and to find a child to play the musical’s title character, “Zinzi.” Their journey leads to their shocking multi-cultural awakening and to the realization that the Ancestor Spirits have an invisible hand in the musical’s fate.

Other than exterior pickups in NYC, the film is set in South Africa with a projected budget of $5-$10M. Early marketing indicates that the target audience is —

I’m seeking a Senior Producer for the project. I’m reaching out to you first because xxxxxx and xxxxxx are films that introduced me to another world and another way of thinking. It is my hope that CREATING ZINZI will do the same.

Would you be interested in taking a look at the pitch deck and proof-of-concept? The screenplay has received positive coverage. I would be happy to send the script along, as well.

My writing credits include: Nicholl Fellowship Finalist for Zinzi, a screenplay, William Wisdom-William Faulkner top five finalist for Zinzi, a novel, Kaufman Award for Zinzi the Musical. I’m a produced playwright and a member of The Broadway League.

I look forward to your reply.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde – Target Market

In doing this assignment, I noticed that the P.G.A. producers are generally the Senior producers/production companies and they team with non-P.G.A. producers who I assume bring financing or soft money to the table. Following the threads, I also began to notice a few of non-P.G.A. producers cropping up working together on other films. Gathering names is just the beginning. The assignment helped me prioritize who to research further.

Title: CREATING ZINZI

Logline: A white playwright and a Black producer navigate clashing cultures and real-life perils to workshop an American musical in Africa. Working with indigenous artists leads to their shocking multi-cultural awakening and the realization that it is the Ancestor Spirits who will decide the musical’s fate.

Genre: Drama

Actors: Sally Field, Alfre Woodard

Movies with similar budget and cast: Juanita; Hello, My Name is Doris; Queen of Katwe

Producers:

Rebecca Cammarata, Daniela Taplin Lundberg, Riva Marker, Tiana Idoni-Matthews, Stefanie Azpiazu, Anthony Bregman, Monica Levinson, Jamie Patricof, Lynette Howell Taylor, Shivan Rawat, Dominique Telson, Nina Yang Bongiovi, Jenny Hinkey, Leah Holzer, Stephanie Kluft, Stephanie Allain, Jamie T Surenkamp, Betsy Danbury, Bronwyn Cornelius, Fiona Walsh Heinz, Janet Jeffries, Sofia Rovaletti, Lori McCreary, Morris Ruskin, Adrienne Becker, Dominique Telson

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde – Phone pitch

I’ve learned from this assignment to start with credibility and a business hook – if I have it. Also to anticipate a full list of question and have ready answers.

Phyllis: This is Phyllis MacBryde calling, name of production company. I’m following up on my email to so & so about an int’l co-production that is to shoot in South Africa.

Prod Ass’t: She’s not available. May I take a message?

Phyllis: Let he know that Phyllis MacBryde called regarding the feature film, “Creating Zinzi.” That’s spelled Z-i-n-z-i.

Prod Ass’t: Your name again?

Phyllis: Phyllis MacBryde. To refresh her memory, may I tell you a bit more?

Prod Ass’t: Creating what?

Phyllis: Z-i-n-z-i. The two leads in mind are Sally Field and Alfre Woodard – to play a white playwright and a Black Broadway producer workshopping an American musical in Africa, only to learn that the Ancestor Spirits will determine its fate. I believe so & so has a relationship with (the South African production services company, the talent, or something else).

Prod Ass’t: Who else has seen this?

Phyllis: I’m only reaching out to producers who are doing international co-pros, particularly in South Africa. As yet, no one has seen it.

Prod Ass’t: Why do you think this fits our company?

Phyllis: Since company name has made films in the genre and budget range and has worked with (the South African production services company, talent, or something else), I wanted to come to you first.

Prod Ass’t: What’s the budget?

Phyllis: Under $15M and in South Africa, much less, possibly as low as $6M depending on the Above the Line.

What’s the script length: 117 pages and that’s with the musical numbers

Prod Ass’t: How does it end?

Phyllis: With a triumphant, upbeat ending and the two lead characters have taken a step or two towards liking each other. Just like us.

Prod Ass’t: (no response)

Phyllis: That was a joke. It was a pleasure speaking to you. Your name is?

Prod Ass’t: Jane Doe. D-o-e.

Phyllis: Thanks very much. I look forward to speaking to you again.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

What I learned from this assignment is the nuts and bolts of crafting a short pitch. Brevity is best. If the concept is of interest, questions will be asked. Be prepared with concise answers.

1. My name is Phyllis MacBryde. I’m a Nicholl Fellowship Finalist, a produced playwright, I’ve written and produced short films and a feature length doc on Branford-Marsalis which saw worldwide distribution.

2. I’m here to tell you about a drama script – CREATING ZINZI.

3. It is the story of a white playwright and a Black Broadway producer who workshop an American musical in South Africa and are shocked to learn that it is the Ancestor Spirits who will determine its fate.

4. Questions:

Budget: Except for a couple of exterior pickups in New York City, the film is to be shot in South Africa. An international co-production, the estimated budget range is $7-15M.

Lead roles: I envision Sally Field in the role of the playwright – “Molly.” Alfre Woodard, playing the Broadway producer — “Joyce.”

In Act One, Molly seeks a grant to workshop her musical from Joyce, a powerful Broadway producer. However, Molly is not what Joyce had in mind when she created a fund for underrepresented writers. Molly blows the grant when she tells Joyce that, to ensure authenticity and find an African child to play the musical’s title role, “Zinzi,” she wants to hold her workshop in Africa.

In Act Two, Molly is in Africa. Undeterred, she uses the little money she has to get her project rolling. Unaware of this, Joyce approves the grant and flies to Cape Town to keep the workshop afloat. But Molly has betrayed the indigenous women she came to represent. Fearing the wrath of the Ancestor Spirits, the African women are demanding a ritual sacrifice. Only then can the musical go on.

Act Three: To appease them, Molly and Joyce participate in the ceremony. The performance goes ahead, but the Ancestor Spirits will determine the musical’s fate.

Credibility: A novel I’ve written, “Zinzi,” was vetted by a South African emeritus professor of African Languages and Literatures. I’m knowledgeable about the Xhosa culture and I’ve created vital relationships in the country. I’m currently producing a documentary on the unique African talent and indigenous women who are featured in the screenplay. I’m also editing a proof-of-concept short to bring on partners and get the movie into production.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde – Query Letter

What I learned in doing this assignment is to make the story clear in three short paragraphs, cut out everything else, and open with a line of dialogue from the lead character.

CREATING ZINZI

Genre: Drama/Adventure

I was drawn here. To a world I’d imagined for Zinzi. I wanted to know you.

Molly, a playwright seeks a grant to workshop her musical from Joyce, a powerful Broadway producer. Molly, who is white, is not what Joyce, a Black woman, had in mind when her team selected underrepresented writers. The musical centers around “Zinzi,” an African child, Molly explains. “I’d really love to workshop it in Africa.” Joyce reels. “Why in God’s name did they pick your musical?” Molly blows the grant opportunity, but undeterred, she squeezes her savings and flies to Cape Town to ensure the authenticity of her musical’s African scenes.

Unaware of this development, Joyce reconsiders. She approves the grant, which enables Molly to secure a theater and bring her Broadway principals to Africa. At “rehearsal camp,” a remote, yet stunning wilderness setting, the actors collaborate with indigenous women — guardians of ancient music and the lost art of throat-singing. They live with an awareness of the Ancestor Spirits all around them.

Joyce is aghast to learn that Molly has actually gone to Africa. She flies to Cape Town to keep the workshop afloat only to learn that Molly has betrayed the indigenous women she came to represent. Fearing the Ancestor’s wrath, the African women are demanding a ritual sacrifice. Only then can the musical go on. With minutes ticking down to the performance and Joyce intervening, Molly struggles to keep the whole thing from flying apart.

If the concept is of interest, I’d be happy to send you the script.

BIO: Phyllis is a produced playwright, a Nicholl Fellowship finalist, William Wisdom – William Faulkner top five finalist for Zinzi, a novel, Kaufman Award recipient for Zinzi the Musical, and producer of a documentary/concert film, Branford Marsalis – Steep. Her unique perspective is informed by her background in theater and from shooting a documentary in South Africa.

Contact information:

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Told in a few simple sentences. I think you nailed it!

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde – Synopsis Hooks

What I learned is…boil the story down to its essence and follow the hooks.

CREATING ZINZI

Genre: Drama/Adventure

Logline:

A white playwright and a black producer workshop an American musical in Africa where the Ancestor Spirits determine its fate.

List of hooks:

1. Molly – a white playwright, Joyce – a black producer

2. Molly does not fit the concept of an underrepresented playwright

3. Molly wants to hold her workshop in a foreign country. She blows the grant, but goes to Africa anyway.

5. In a reversal, Joyce approves the grant.

6. Molly rehearses Broadway actors and indigenous women in a remote, yet stunning setting

7. Joyce goes to Africa to intervene

8. The indigenous women mutiny and demand a ritual sacrifice

Synopsis (Draft 1):

Molly, a late-blooming playwright, seeks a grant to workshop her musical from Joyce, a powerful black Broadway producer. Molly, a white woman, is not what Joyce had in mind when she created a fund for underrepresented writers. Molly explains that her musical centers around an African child. She’d like to hold the workshop in Africa. “Your team chose three black playwrights. And me.” Joyce whirls. “Why in God’s name did they pick your musical?” The confrontation escalates.

Though she has blown the opportunity, Molly squeezes her dwindling savings and flies to Cape Town to ensure the authenticity of the musical’s African scenes. Joyce is unaware of this development. In a momentary lapse of judgement, she approves the grant.

Thrilled, Molly secures a theater and brings her Broadway principals to Africa. At “rehearsal camp,” a remote, yet stunning wilderness setting, the Broadway actors collaborate with indigenous women, guardians of ancient music and the lost art of throat-singing. Said to have the power of divination, they live with an awareness of the Ancestor Spirits all around them.

Joyce is aghast to learn that Molly has actually gone to Africa. She has no choice. She flies to Cape Town to save face with her colleagues and keep the workshop afloat. Unfortunately, Molly has betrayed the indigenous women she came to represent. Fearing the Ancestor’s wrath, they are demanding a ritual sacrifice. Only then can the musical go on. With minutes ticking down to the performance and Joyce on her way to the theater, Molly struggles to keep the whole thing from flying apart.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde – High Concept and Elevator Pitch

I’ve struggled with log lines and I never dreamed that I could boil the story down to a high concept idea. What I learned from this assignment is how to do that. I’d love feedback on what I’ve come up with. Thanks so much.

1. Big picture of lead character’s journey: Workshopping an American musical in Africa

2. Interesting approach: Goal/Unique Opposition

High concept: A white playwright and a black producer workshop an American musical in Africa, but the Ancestor Spirits determine its fate.

3. Elevator pitch: “I’m working on a proof of concept shoot for a film that has a unique goal – a white playwright and a black producer workshop an American musical in Africa, but it is the Ancestor Spirits who determine the musical’s fate.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde. Reason: inappropriate descriptive word

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde – 10 Most Interesting Things

Thanks to this assignment, I learned how to analyze and pinpoint what I believe to be the marketable elements of my screenplay.

1. Specific hooks

Opening scene: The eyes of a female African Diviner stare into the future and morph into the anxious eyes of the white female American protagonist.

Emotional dilemma: A white playwright desperately seeks financing from a black producer who does not like her. From their first emotional meeting, they are in conflict.

Unique about hero and villain: Both are mature, driven women. Nothing can deter them from achieving their desire. Both are blind to how they are wrong and shattered when they come to realize it. Their opposing points-of-view are relatable. It is easy to side with either one of them.

Turning point: When the playwright does not receive funding, she has an epiphany. She’s ready. She’ll do it on her own. Risking all, she ventures to Africa to workshop her musical.

Reversals: Unaware of this development and against her better judgement, the producer funds the playwright’s project.

Character betrayals: The playwright betrays the indigenous people she has vowed to represent.

Big surprises: The playwright and the producer (both in Africa) encounter an unexpected obstacle that renders them helpless –– the Ancestor Spirits wield more power than they do. The fate of their co-venture lies in the Ancestor’s invisible hands.

2. Other Things of Interest

• Complex, emotional story. Classical three-act structure.

• Part character drama, part multi-cultural awakening, part ‘let’s-put-on-a-show’ excitement.

• Layered, substantive lead roles.

• Provocative themes that occur naturally within the context of the story.

• Nuanced supporting roles, each with a distinct voice and personality.

• Unique African talent. Unique musical instruments, songs, dance, rhythms.

• Broadway talent.

• Settings in an African world that hasn’t been seen before.

• Uplifting ending.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde – Producer/Manager

1. How I plan to my project/me to a producer:

I am currently engaging in pre-marketing work to identify the film’s core audience prior to shooting a proof-of-concept film. This 1-2 minute film will showcase the African talent and settings that make the film unique. I plan to approach producers only when I’ve made adjustments to the script, have more than a screenplay to show, have crafted a strong pitch deck, have gathered early press and defined a core audience.

2. What I learned from the assignment is to present myself as a writer/producer who understands the components necessary to make a project marketable, that I’m willing to make changes to get the project made, and that I’ve done early work to show that what is written in the script can be delivered.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde – Marketable Components

1. Current Logline: Ceating Zinzi tells the story of white American playwright developing a musical about an African child and the Black American producer who almost against her will, helps her finance it.

2. Marketable components:

Great roles: Complex, relatable characters for two bankable female leads.

Unique: Distinctive supporting characters. Evocative and spectacular settings that are organic to the story.

Timely: Themes that are timely and relevant in the current socio/political climate.

3. To pitch, I would lean heavily on story and lead roles:

A powerfully emotional story – part character drama, part multi-cultural awakening, part ‘the-show-must-go-on’ excitement. The driving force is the playwright. She’s engaging. Fiercely determined, to the point of being funny. And she doesn’t shy away from the minefield of authoring a play outside her culture. As she says to the African American producer, “It’s racial, it’s cultural, it’s political (a gesture to them both) — just like this.”

The high-powered producer is overly rigid. A bit sanctimonious. Yet she’s worthy of respect. She clearly has a sense of humor and enjoys the fun of being “smarter than all the men in the room.” Still, she’s flummoxed when the Ancestor Spirits – who prevail over the African cast – determine the fate of the musical.

4. Because it’s a long-shot to get a movie made, I learned from this assignment that the project must attract bankable stars and an experienced producer. These are my first steps in learning how to represent the film.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde

1. Genre: Feature Film – Drama Title: Creating Zinzi

Concept: Creating Zinzi tells the story of a white American playwright developing a musical about an African child and the Black American producer who, almost against her will, helps finance a workshop production. The emotional heart of the story is how a diverse group of human beings, unexpectedly thrown together, join in an effort to create something special.

2. Attractive: Two leading female roles – layered and often comical – that are likely to attract strong actors. A fascinating world of African people and music; unusual and spectacular locations.

3. Targets: An actor’s production company. Approached after its formation was announced in the trades. The company requested the screenplay. I’m compiling a list of indie producers to target, based on what I’ve heard them say on panels (what kinds of stories attract them, what films they produce, and in what budget range) and I’ve done further research to determine if they might have an interest in this project.

4. What I’ve learned today is to continue gathering and honing marketing materials and, in the process, learn how to represent this project like a pro.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Hello all,

I’m pleased to join what promises to be a group of very smart creative people. I’ve always written. I conceived of my first play when I was six and enlisted my playmates to act in it. They attended the first rehearsal and when they later mutinied, I vowed never to work with non-professionals again. To that end, I came up in theater and musical theater as an actor and I have written several produced musicals. My foray into filmmaking started with music videos and led to writing and producing a longform documentary/concert film on Branford Marsalis. My second feature film screenplay was a Nicholl Fellowship finalist, a heady experience for which I was not prepared. I knew nothing about the movie-making business. My current screenplay is an adaptation of a novel and a developing musical I’ve written. Both are riding on this screenplay, so learning how to represent the project like a professional is what I hope to takeaway from this class.

What’s unique about me? Well, everything. No one else on this planet is like me. Others sometimes find it curious that I like to write about cultures and people from backgrounds that are entirely dissimilar to mine. But I already know my own background and I’m insatiably curious about others. And, for me, the process has been a great ride.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Phyllis MacBryde

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Liz, please add me. Phyllis MacBryde. pmacbryde@aol.com

And thanks for doing this, especially when you’ve got a heap of writing to do!

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Jeff, it’s good. It’s clear, concise and well written. Whenever I can, I like to use short sentences when for pacing. It might add punch to your final paragraph if you make one long sentence four: Appeals to authority fail. His daughter’s and grandson’s situations decline. The doctor takes matters into his own hands. That would be my one suggestion.

My other suggestion is take time to know who something about the person you want to query. You can probably them talking about a movie they’ve produced on YouTube. It really helps. And you may want to reference what you like about his/her films when you send your query. Producers usually want to know who has seen the screenplay, so hit the most likely targets for your film first.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Jeff, no matter which initial caps I use or don’t use, something always seems off. I really appreciate your pointing the inconsistency out to me. One of the great values of this course is it has made me question each and every word I have written and how it lands with a reader. Thank you so much.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Jeff, I see how the use of Black Broadway could be confusing. It would be much clearer to say a white playwright and a black Broadway producer, which I did initially. However, it has become standard practice for writers to capitalize Black to indicate an ethnic group. Same is true for Native Americans. After thinking about it for while, I’m making the change to White Playwright, Black Broadway Producer, and Ancestor Spirits, so all are given equal weight.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Jeff, you’re right. I deleted it. Not Emerson’s quote, but a lot of others wrote something similar.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Stephen, this reads much better than your first draft. I strongly advise you to replace old ladies with elderly women if you’re writing Albertina. I’m not the only female who has said this to you. Also, I STRONGLY ADVISE not to use ALL CAPS for CERTAIN WORDS. To a reader, it makes NO SENSE. Otherwise, it flows pretty nicely. Much improved.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Thanks, Jeff. I like what Thomas suggested: “Sometimes the destination defines the journey.” It might serve well under the current title, Creating Zinzi, which needs a tag line. Whad’ya think?

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Oh, I like that. Sometimes the destination defines the journey. I’m going to try that on.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

I found myself re-reading the log line. As Andrea pointed out — you need another ‘with’ or lose all three. I’m not sure if it’s Harold or Travis who is driving the action, but if this is a story of revenge, I also like a version of what Andrea suggests.

The fact that a contained film and the way you describe it can be done inexpensively is implicit. You’ve got plenty of screenwriting credibility. A lot of industry people would enjoy seeing this film get made!

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Andrea you’re a wizard. I love what you did with the tag line and the text in the body of the pitch. I like it better than what I wrote and I’m going to use it. However, “Zinzi,” an earlier script was the Nicholl Fellowship finalist — the story of an African child coming of age in the dazzling jazz world of post WWII Harlem. “Creating Zinzi” is about a playwright taking her Broadway actors to Africa to workshop the musical to the horror and astonishment of the Black Broadway producer who funded it. While working on the musical is the backdrop, the story is about the women’s journey and what they learn about themselves in the process. That’s why I like the way you rephrased the tag line. I think maybe I should drop the “Zinzi” title from my credits because it seems to be confusing everyone.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Andrea, I think you nailed it. Great work. Just two suggestions. Cut “young” before awkward boy and “Because” to start your question. For me, it reads better without those two words.

Short and sweet. Brava!

Your comments on other’s queries are terrific.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

John, I like it. And there’s an audience for this film. Boiling this pitch down to the essence of the story would help a lot. For me, it rambles. Try looking it over and rather than trying to tell most of the story, ask yourself — what do I really need to say for them to get the big picture of the story. Will look for your second draft.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

I’d love to see the one sheet. Good family movies are sought after. You can score with this project.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Thanks for raising those questions. I’m not sure I can do it in the query, but I certainly will include answer them in a longer synopsis. You made good points.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Thanks, Steve. In a few weeks, I’d like your feedback on marketing materials I’m putting together. Is it OK if I send you an email with a link?

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Karen, I can already imagine the audience for this. Your pitch would be better as two sentences. Or maybe one short sentence is enough. “A frenzied teen ballerina struggles to emulate her mother’s ballet career while battling her doughnut addiction during Covid 19.” Short sentences make it easier for a reader to grasp the story line. Not sure what “frenzied” is meant to convey. Is there a better descriptive word that would help form a picture?

This is a concept that is original and can get made. Keep going!

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Mark, it’s very clear and a good read. Still love the title and the tag line. And the professional way you present yourself. Cheering for you on this.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Mark, I like it! Could you clarify “rejects his name”? It made me wonder.

Congrats on your contest placements. It must be a damn good script.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Thanks so much, Gordon. I continue to tweak it.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

You had me on Assignment 3. I really liked what you wrote then. I’m typing it below with a couple of edits. What I didn’t understand in your synopsis is “but when time begins to run out for Rilke…” I looked it up for clarification. He met Rodin in 1902 and didn’t die until 1926, so I don’t know what you mean by that or if you need it. Your original paragraph made me want to see the film:

After a romantic rejection from a renowned intellectual of letters, Lou Andreas-Salome, heartbroken poet Rainer Rilke continues to purse her personal and professional validation by befriending sculptor, Auguste Rodin. Roding, embroiled in his own love affairs, teaches Rilke his source of artistic inspiration. Rilke breaks his ties with Roding when he discovers his own fame can be found only in solitude, from an inner voice.

This is so clear and concise.

Maybe it’s just me, but in reading your query letter, I lost the essence of the story. And I know you’ve got a good story. This is the kind of film I want to see get made. I love biopics, especially ones I can learn from.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Cara, I want to revisit something you wrote in an earlier assignment. It made me think –“ooh, this sounds interesting.” Give me some time to find it and get back to you.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Thanks, Thomas. I’ll start working on my second draft tomorrow. Wish I could use the title, “Zinzi,” but that’s the Nicholl script and a different story. I may find a better title down the road. I think we’re all getting better with everyone’s feedback. Appreciate your insights very much.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Mark,

To hook a producer right off the bat, may I suggest that you write the synopsis as if it were a thriller? Make it active. Set it apart by ramping up its style and tone. Maybe something like: On a remote South sea island, a Navy weapons test explores. Out of a clear, blue sky, lightning fractures into jagged bolts. Killing birds. Killing animals. Killing humans. Holden, the team leader, thinks fast. An ex-military pilot, he was trained for action. Trained to carry out his mission. Trained to save lives.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

OK, Mark. You’re the third person to say this. So, lemme do it as you suggest.

Thanks!

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Cara, thanks so much for your comments. As I said to Thomas, it really helps to have fresh eyes and yours are help. I may not stick with the title, “Creating Zinzi,” but “Zinzi” is the title of my Nicholl script, which is a period piece. That script led me to writing a novel and then a musical and to writing “Creating Zinzi,” which stands on its own merit, but can also serve as a platform for the other iterations. I’m going to take your suggestions, along with the others, in consideration and I write draft two.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

After being frightened by The Wizard of Oz as a child, I have watched no horror movie since (except “Get Out” and even then I had to walk away for awhile), here are a few quick observations: sexually frustrated slacker who . . . In case this gets into the hands of a woman over 40, you might want to say that morph (or transform, I found myself thinking about how they would morph) elderly women into submissive young girls (the phrase implies they’re delectable).

3) Second sentence is unclear to me. Do you mean, in the larval stage the women become humanoids who devour their husbands heads? Maybe try rearranging the sentence — As my villain moves through his transformational journey (transformational how? Satanic? Deranged?), makes Chucky and Iago (these comparisons are at odds with each — only one is Shakespearean and layered). Can you qualify the timely and universal themes in a couple of words?

For me, short sentences are easier to understand. To clarify the closing, how about something like — The hero rescues his girl from a terrible fate. As they cast off on a moonlight cruise, he spots an unwitting fisherman baiting his hook with worms. The transgenic worms spawn into horrifying new sea creatures.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Good advice, Stephen. It really helps to revisit what you’ve written through someone else’s fresh eyes. It’s only then, I can assess how the points I’ve made are being received. I’ll be back to you on the flipside. And wow, a request to read my screenplay. Who does that anymore? That’s why I led with the proof-of-concept pitch.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

A few suggestions:

1) Rephrase to start with the quest and hit the title character name. Danny Murphy had it all: a star goalie destined for a long NHL career, a loving wife and baby daughter. In a moment it was gone. His dreams and body crushed in a tragic accident, his wife dead, his daughter, Grace, swept away by his wealthy mother-in-law.

2) I don’t know a thing about hockey, so you obviously wouldn’t be querying me, however I suggest you clarify who Lou is by what position he plays rather than team (I think that’s what you meant by Kings). When his best friend, Lou, an NHL star defenseman, finds him a job as a practice goalie, it strengthens his relationship with a new girlfriend and further antagonizes his unforgiving mother-in-law.

3) In your next paragraph, I’m assuming he gets back in the game for that exciting climax. And for me, in a short synopsis, character names are virtually meaningless. For me — Danny questions with his wife and new love would be better off without him — would be clearer.

4) You might want to say: I work in the film industry. I’ve played college, semi-pro, and Bad Boys hockey with Jerry Bruckheimer. And I was pretty damn good.

5) Maybe Rocky meets K vs K story of overcoming, redemption, and love is better than “underdog story of pain” which doesn’t sound very inviting.

I’d leave out who’s seen it, otherwise I think you’re shooting yourself in the foot. If asked you might want to say, “I ran an early draft by so and so, when I first started writing. They thought it had promise.”

If this were my project, I’d target ESPN’s film producers or others who have any connections with the sport. And I’m sure you’ve already done that. That’s my 2 cents-worth. If you get this to an actor who grew up playing hockey, I think you’ve got a win.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Phyllis MacBryde.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Bless you, Thomas Duffy, you are the first name I will add to my Target Audience list!

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Concise and clear. I think you nailed it.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

Thanks, Thomas. I’m going to sleep on it and post my synopsis tomorrow. My take on the assignment is that the synopsis is supposed to support the high concept/log line by using hooks, so that’s exactly what I’m aiming for. That really boils the story down to the throughline and leaves out all the supporting characters, but like what you’ve written here — it’s clear and easy to follow. And I hope there’s enough there to inspire interest.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

I like all of your choices. All are concise and very clear.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

I like the high concept line very much. You may want to rearrange the sentence slightly. Maybe, “A battle-scarred female war vet foils a terrorist attack, saving hundreds of lives, and is (or – only to be) arrested for violating the terrorists’ human rights.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

You might want to test it with people who know nothing about your project. See which log line sparks their interest. This one certainly grabbed mine.

[Phyllis MacBryde]

This response is from Phyllis, a classmate. I think your last sentence makes one helluva logline. Concise. And it made me sit up. “What if the world’s greatest escape artist was thrown into inescapable circumstances?”