[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Insights on Belonging Together – Seabiscuit

My insight onto to what makes the trainer great from a writing perspective is that he has good insight into why the horse might be combative. But who can he get to ride him? A hotshot jockey disses the trainers advice, approaches the combative horse, and runs off calling the horse crazy. The trainer knows better. As he walks away from the four men struggling to restrain the horse, he observes an angry young man fending off several attackers and willing to take on all of them. The trainer looks back at the horse and then to the young man, and knows him to be the right jockey for this horse.

What I learned from rewriting the scene from my script where Albert finds a competent sparing partner for an up coming match. Using this scene from Seabiscuit, I made a few changes that showed why Albert picked not only a competent sparing partner, but the right one for him, the best one to help him train for the fight of his life. The rewrite provides more depth and interest.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Searching for Breakthroughs

The character is a father struggling to do what's best for his motherless son. He seeks help from an online radio psychologist, at his son’s urging, where his son reveals the father’s insomnia. The psychologist suggests the father might miss a partner as much as the boy needs his mother. The conversation is interrupted by a commercial break, but the father remains on the line, showing his need for help. A woman listening in her car feels a connection. This moment raises several questions: Will the father act on his new insight? Will he and the listener connect? What is her need?

This short scenes shows the character of the father, relationship with his son, insight from the radio therapist asking the right questions, and a shows a possible new future for the father with the introduction of the compassionate listener. Impressive set up for things to come.

Reflecting on what I learned from rewriting a pivotal scene in my script, "Blood on Coal," I made significant changes to a key moment where Albert runs away with Betts on a rowboat, escaping her controlling fiancé. Both Albert and Betts are hesitant to admit their enduring love, despite five years of separation and misunderstandings caused by external factors. This scene marks their first private conversation since Albert returned home a year earlier.

Albert needed to understand why Betts quit writing during his Marine deployment, why she dated his brother Ervin and then got engaged to Harry. She accuses Albert of not answering her letters. She befriended Ervin but pushed him away by getting involved with Harry. Betts loves Ervin as a friend but dislikes Harry. Albert expresses his belief that they were meant to be together and asks, "What about me?" She removes her glasses to wipe her tears, and they share a passionate kiss, changing their lives. New challenges include Betts breaking off the engagement with Harry while keeping her reputation and protecting Albert’s relationship with Ervin.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Character Wound Insights

Will learned to cope with the wounds from his childhood abuse and abandonment by creating a world where he feels comfortable. To bury his wounds he walls off his emotions. Never experienced love from anyone growing up, he fears vulnerability if he allows himself that emotion. Fight, flight, or freeze (PTSD) shows the damage done to him as a child. He refuses to give up the control he has over his life by loving and following Skylar to California only to be abandoned again.

In my script I show the wounds of an educated woman in a patriarchal society who’s only existence is helping her husband to succeed. When he decides to abandon their comfortable life to gamble on literary fame, she must battle her panic to create a survival plan for her and the children.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Day 4 Secrets and Reveal

insights/breakthroughs into what makes this character great from a writing perspective. There are many sides to Kate and each reveal adds another layer. We learn she is dangerous, wanted by the law, and she nonchalant admits to killing a man. In the last reveal we see how Kate killed the man and that creates even more questions and future layers. We also learn that cunning Kate planned a perfect crime. She got the drunken and to bed, misled him about the smell, and began her getaway after he passed out. On her motorcycle, Kate watches as the place blows up. Is she a professional assassin, disgruntled woman, or a cold hearted killer?

What I learned by rewriting a reveal scene, was to go back through my script to hint at secrets, and carefully construct a dramatic set up for the reveal.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Right Character for the Story

What drama was this scene built around?  Junah, hiding his wounds in darkness like trying to regain his lost swing. Hope coming from darkness with the arrival of the mysterious Bagger Vance, the best caddy and teacher to help Junah with more than his swings.
What traits showed up in these two character’s words and actions? Junah shows his mental problems by continuing to hit bad shots. He practices at night to hide his problem. Baggers opening dialog, that he didn’t worry about getting hit by Junah’s poor shots, showed his expertise in golf. Bagger, in his folksy way, points out the emotional and physical connection in golf. His calming tone and continued conversation provides the needed mental distraction allowing Junah to hit a long straight ball, hope restored.
Breakthroughs about what makes this character great from a writing perspective. Junah, talented with a bright future, returns from war a broken man with many issues other than his swing. Bagger the mystery golf expert creates many questions that keeps the viewer engaged. Great character introduction.
Breakthrough from other writers comments: how the scene setting set the mood of the story and the journey about to begin. It also provided a dramatic character introduction for Bagger, an angel out the darkness who brings light and wisdom to help Junah out of his slump. Thank you Judith.

I learned that by changing the setting description to enhance the mood conveyed by action and dialog upped the drama of the scene with fewer words needed. I plan to look through my script and do the same in other places.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Living Into the Future

What I learned is that building on a situation, a prediction of a future change, can start a transformative character arc from reluctance to accepting to conquering. I added “living into the future” after the finish of one future near the end of my script to show a different future again for the main character as he enters a new world. My breakthrough: opening a door to a sequel.

What future is Sarah Connor living into?  Constant hiding from the terminator.
What future is Kyle Reese living into? Protecting Sarah and helping her survive because the future world depends on it.
What is Sarah’s transformation that is implied by this scene?  She learns her son John Connor, not yet conceived, will be a leader of oppressed people in the future world. Kyle volunteered to go back in time to protect her so she and her future son will survive. She sees Kyles admiration for her future self who taught her son how to survive during the hiding year. At first she thinks he has the wrong person and gets angry about the burden of saving the world. After Kyle delivers the message from her future son John, Sarah, the unsuspecting reluctant hero, accepts her fate.
What drama was this scene built around?  Escape and hiding from the terminator when their car runs out of gas.
What traits showed up in these two character’s words and actions? Sarah: resilient and resourceful. Kyle: protective, admiring, and accepting of his role in protecting her to save a future world. Please watch this scene and provide your insights/breakthroughs into what makes this character great from a writing perspective. Sarah, a likable character, will undergo a sudden dramatic change and challenging character arc.
No breakthrough from comments.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Character Traits

What I learned from rewriting a scene to show character traits is to set up a scene of that allows certain character traits to be seen through dialogue, traits like wisdom, compassion, idealism, and new values. My changes showed character growth and moved it a notch forward on the arc of change.

Insights and breakthroughs: A financially underprivileged genius, confident in his self-education, exposes a pompous Harvard student who plagiarizes insightful thoughts. Will, a quiet observer with a photographic memory, is triggered when the faker belittles his friend. This scene provides an opportunity for Will to demonstrate through dialog his genius and critical thinking skills. Kind of an oxymoron genius janitor.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Query Letter V3

Dear (Producer’s Name):

Many Wives is a historical drama series that focuses on the four wives of Sherwood Anderson.

A business tycoon decides to risk wealth, family, and reputation for a chance at literary fame. His wife, Cornelia, thinks he's lost his mind; how will she and the children survive?

Determined to secure her future, Cornelia enters a covert business partnership in a venture outside societal norms. Her enterprise thrives as Sherwood spirals further into madness.

The series, amidst the societal upheavals of the early 20th century, follows Cornelia Lane Anderson as she navigates a male-dominated world to protect her children against Sherwood's pursuit of literary fame in a journey filled with subsequent wives, ambition, betrayal, and with help from his fourth wife, Eleanor Copenhaver, reconciliation.

Sukle is an optioned screenwriter and quarter-finalist in the Faith in Film International Screenplay Contest. Her connection to Anderson’s final wife, Eleanor, who inherited his literary property, and close friendship with Eleanor’s heirs encouraged her to write the story.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Best,

Rebecca (RS) Sukle

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Query Letter version 2

Dear (Producer):

Many Wives, is an historical drama series focused on the wives of Sherwood Anderson.

“You run our company? Ridiculous idea.”

A business tycoon decides to risk wealth, family, and reputation for a chance at literary fame. His wife thinks he’s lost his mind. How will she and the children survive?

Set against the patriarchal backdrop of early 20th-century America, "Many Wives" begins with the story of Cornelia Anderson, the first wife of the renowned story teller Sherwood Anderson. Cornelia, educated and business-savvy, invests time and money into her husband's paint business but barred from leadership by the male-dominated society. The business flourishes until Sherwood decides to gamble everything on a literary career. Determined to secure her children's future, she enters a covert business partnership in a venture outside societal norms. Cornelia's enterprise thrives as Sherwood spirals further into madness by the man he thought he killed…his father.

BIO: Sukle, an optioned screenwriter and quarter-finalist in the Faith in Film International Screenplay Contest. Her connection to Anderson’s final wife, Eleanor, who inherited his literary property, and close friendship with Eleanor’s heirs encouraged her to write the story.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Best,

Rebecca Sukle
Contact information

• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Query Letter
Dear :

Many Wives, is an historical drama series based on the four unique wives of American writer Sherwood Anderson.

“You run our company? Ridiculous idea.”

A business tycoon decides to risk wealth, family, and reputation for a chance at literary fame. His wife thinks he’s lost his mind. How will she and the children survive?

Set against the patriarchal backdrop of early 20th-century America, "Many Wives" tells the gripping story of Cornelia Anderson, the first wife of the renowned story teller Sherwood Anderson. Cornelia, educated and business-savvy, invests her inheritance in her husband's paint business. Despite the woman’s pivotal role, she is barred from leadership by the male-dominated society. Under Cornelia’s guidance, the business flourishes until Sherwood decides to gamble everything on a literary career.
Determined to secure her children's future, she enters a covert business partnership with a successful courtesan brothel owner in a venture outside societal norms. Cornelia's enterprise thrives as Sherwood spirals further into madness by the reappearance of his long-dead father, the man he thought he killed.

BIO: Sukle, an optioned screenwriter and quarter-finalist in the Faith in Film International Screenplay Contest, has researched and published two novels about early twentieth-century labor history. Her connection to Anderson’s final wife, Eleanor, who inherited his literary property, and close friendship with Eleanor’s heirs encouraged her to write the story.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Best,

Rebecca (RS) Sukle
Sgs@imagespirit.com

• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Title: Rebecca’s Target Market
What I learned doing this assignment is that most of the producers of bio dramas about the ingenuity and resilience of women living in a suppressive society hail from the UK. I also learned that I could copy the whole list of producers as a data base that I can list under the movie and paste the contact information into the producer column. That way I have a data base with links and one click away from creating my email already addressed. I delete the the rows that lack contact information. This is a much easier method than the previous more tedious one I learned in binge worthy. I also use AI to help me find movies made within the last ten years comparable to my concept.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Target Market

What I learned from this project was that I was able to copy the table of producers and paste them under the Films or TV series I selected. It was then easy to click on the producers link to IMBDpro to find their contact information and copy only those that weren’t represented by a talent agency or manager. Many did not have a listing, but I found this a quick and easy way to sort things out and create a database at the same time. Much better than the marketing learned in Binge Worthy or WIM which I found tedious. I used AI to help find comps. Thank you, Hal

Title: Many Wives
Genre: Historic Drama inspired by the wives of American Writer Sherwood Anderson.
Series Concept: Amidst the societal upheavals of the early 20th century, Cornelia Lane Anderson navigates a male-dominated world to secure her family’s future as her husband Sherwood pursues his literary dreams, leading to a journey filled with subsequent women, ambition, betrayal, and ultimate reconciliation.
Pilot Concept: A business tycoon risks everything for literary fame, but spirals into a mental breakdown. To secure their children’s future in a patriarchal society, his wife secretly partners with a courtesan brothel owner to create a thriving venture.

1. These five series highlight the contributions of women in patriarchal societies, showcasing their resilience and often unrecognized achievements.
1. Genius: Einstein
2. Genius: Picasso
3. Mr. Selfridge
4. The Wife
5. Big Eyes
2. Found over 50 producers suited for my project, with 16 direct contacts.
These series highlight the contributions of women in patriarchal societies, showcasing their resilience and often unrecognized achievements.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Phone Pitch
What I learned from this lesson is how to judge what is the important information to include in your pitch to interest a producer and keep it to bare bones. By using the guide to make my decisions, I was able to keep it lean, easy to remember and deliver.
1. I choose to lead with my High Concept:
2. Hi, I’m RS Sukle. I have a Forrest Gump-type series about the four wives of Sherwood Anderson, an influential early 20th-century writer.
Pause
If asked about the pilot script:
Many Wives is an historic drama inspired by true events.
A business tycoon risks everything for literary fame, but spirals into a mental breakdown. To secure their children’s future in a patriarchal society, his wife secretly partners with a courtesan brothel owner to create a thriving venture.
3. Answers for Producer Questions:
Budget range? The series pilot budget might be around 3 million. A season of 8 episodes could cost 24 to 26 million.
Who do you see in the main roles? Kenneth Branagh as Sherwood because of the resemblance. Anne Hathaway as Cornelia, because I think she can play an intelligent and gracious society woman, who is a feminist at heart.
How many pages is the script? 70
Who else has seen this? Sophie Elwood
Company fit? It’s about the resilience of women in a strict patriarchal society.
How the movie ends? It ends with a cliffhanger, Sherwood act erratic, runs off, and disappears.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Pitch Fest Pitch
What I learned from this assignment is that it takes a lot of thought, work, and builds on the previous assignments. I need to learn more about budgets and how best to present the acts in a few words as possible.
1. Writer credibility: Sukle is an optioned screenwriter and quarter finalist in the Faith in Film International Screenwriting Contest. She has also published two labor history novels and close friends with Eleanor Anderson’s nephew and heir who inherited the intellectual property of both Eleanor and Sherwood.
2. Tell us your Genre and Title: Historical drama inspired by the wives of Sherwood Anderson.
3. What is your one or two sentence hook?
When a business tycoon risks everything for literary fame, his wife Cornelia thinks he’s lost his mind. Determined to secure her children's future in the strict patriarchal society of the early 20th century, she covertly partners with a successful brothel owner, thriving as her husband spirals into madness upon return of his long-dead father.
4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:
Budget range? My guesstimate is in the low middle budget range.
Actors for lead roles? Kenneth Branagh as Sherwood, Anne Hathaway as Cornelia for the series pilot.
Story Acts: Teaser: Sherwood, happily married to his fourth wife Eleanor, writes about his first wife who shows up at his writing cabin door.
Act 1: Sherwood and Cornelia appear to be a successful and happy couple with two boys. Sherwood secretly writes.
Act 2: Sherwood becomes restless, debates with his alter ego about wanting a writing career. Cornelia overhears, seeks advice from her father who dismisses her and suggests challenging Sherwood by expanding the business.
Act 3: Cornelia steps back due to a third pregnancy, Sherwood becomes obsessed with writing and neglects the business and family, expressing a desire to escape.
Act 4: The paint mixing team quits, Sherwood is denied a loan, and he becomes depressed. Cornelia partners with a brothel owner in a thriving new venture and checks the business books.
Act 5: Cornelia confronts Sherwood, who storms out to seduce her courtesan business partner but is rejected. Returning home, he attempts to rape Cornelia but fails.
How does it end? (setup / payoff). Sherwood promises Cornelia to concentrate on saving the business then suffers a fugue state event and nervous breakdown. Real or contrived?
Credibility questions What have you done? Three scripts: two series pilots and one feature screenplay with another series in progress.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Query Letter
What I learned from this lesson is how to format an interesting and concise query letter.

Dear:
Many Wives and Lives, is an historical drama inspired by the life of American writer Sherwood Anderson and his four remarkable wives.
“You run our company? Ridiculous idea.”
A business tycoon decides to risk the company, wealth, family, and reputation for a chance at literary fame. His wife thinks he’s lost his mind. How will she and the children survive?
Set against the backdrop of early 20th-century America, “Many Wives and Lives” tells the gripping story of Cornelia Anderson, the first wife of the renowned story teller Sherwood Anderson. Cornelia, educated and business-savvy, has invested her inheritance in her husband’s paint business. Despite her pivotal role, she is barred from leadership by the male-dominated society. Under her guidance, the business flourishes until Sherwood decides to gamble everything on a literary career.
Determined to secure her children’s future, Cornelia enters a covert business partnership with a successful courtesan brothel owner in a venture outside societal norms and tests her business acumen. Cornelia’s enterprise thrives until Sherwood spirals further into madness when shocked by the reappearance of his long-dead father, the man he thought he killed.

Sukle is an optioned screenwriter and quarter finalist in the Faith in Film International Screenplay Contest and a published novelist of two books about early twentieth century labor history. She also have a connection to Anderson’s final wife, Eleanor, who inherited his literary property, and close friends with her heirs.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Best,
Rebecca (R.S.) Sukle
Email
Phone
Facebook
Linked in

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learned from this assignment is…brain storming on my own by using this method. Later I did the same with the AI prompt that produced 5 pitches and comps where I found one good comp but needed to combine and tweak two of th pitches. AI can be a helpful brainstorming activity, but it takes human creativity to go to a higher level.
Many Wives and Lives
Inspired by the resilient wives of writer Sherwood Anderson, this historical drama spotlights gender inequality and female empowerment, offering compelling roles for top talent.
High Concept: In a repressive era where women relied on their husbands, a educated business savvy woman defies societal norms to secure her children’s future after her tycoon husband abandons business and family.
Based on:
1. To find your main hook, give us what is most unique about your lead character’s journey from a big picture perspective: How can a wife and mother survive the loss of business, wealth, and her husband in a male dominated world?
2. How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible?
Dilemma: After achieving, with his wife’s help, success and wealth in business, the husband wants to chuck it all for a chance at literary fame; but how will she and the children survive the loss in a male dominated world?
Main Conflict: The woman wants her husband to meet his family and business obligations; he only wants escape.
What’s at stake? The future welfare of her and the children.
Goal/Unique: She might own a company but not allowed to head it or sit on the board.
Opposition: She goes outside the bounds of polite society to invest her money, time, and talents to partner with a successful courtesan and brothel owner in a high stakes gaming and womanizing retreat for wealthy men.
3. Using the 10 Components of Marketability, what is your Elevator Pitch?
High Concept: In a repressive era where women relied on their husbands, a educated business savvy woman defies societal norms to secure her children’s future after her tycoon husband abandons business and family.
New Series Pilot High Concept with help of AI: An educated business savvy woman challenges the rigid patriarchal societal norms of the early 20th-century as she copes with her tycoon husband’s deteriorating sanity and plans for her and their children’s survival.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Synopsis Hooks
What I learned that using this method takes some thought but creates a more interesting and focused synopsis.
Title: Many Wives and Lives
Genre: Historical Drama inspired by the four wives of American writer Sherwood Anderson.

Cornelia Anderson, educated and business smart, invested her inheritance in her salesman husband’s paint business but can’t head it or serve on the board in the male dominated society. With her guidance the business thrives until her business tycoon husband decides to risk the company, wealth, family, and reputation for literary fame.

She thinks him insane. How will she and the children survive?

To secure her children’s future, she secretly partners with a successful courtesan brothel mogul in an elite party mansion/ high stakes gaming and womanizing retreat for Uber wealthy men, challenging societal norms and her business acumen.
As her business thrives, Sherwood’s decline. The reappearance of his long dead father, the man he thought he killed, pushes him past the brink of insanity.

This early Twentieth Century, this drama series focuses on the four wives of Sherwood Anderson as he transitions from a successful businessman to a celebrated writer. Against the backdrop of a society that represses women, Anderson’s evolving relationships—with Cornelia and two other ex-wives and his final love, a labor activist—mirror the era’s shifting values. Amidst the social upheaval and his own inner turmoil of two egos, Anderson ultimately finds solace with his final wife, Eleanor, and in his role as editor of two small-town newspapers in remote Virginia.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s 10 most interesting things
What I learned from this assignment is that by using this guide I was able to pick up on numerous points of interest. After reorganizing the list I then narrowed it the the 10 most interesting and then distilled each item to fewer words.
Alter Ego Conflict: Sherwood’s internal struggle with his alter ego.
Empowered Female Lead: Cornelia’s business acumen in a male-dominated society.
Dramatic Entrance: Sherwood’s first wife appears at his remote cabin during a rainstorm.
Escape Desire: Sherwood’s wish to escape business and family obligations.
Covert Business Dynamics: Cornelia covertly running the business.
Pregnancy and Neglect: Cornelia’s pregnancy and Sherwood’s neglect of the business when she steps back.
Survival Dilemma: Cornelia’s concern for her and her children’s survival.
Secret Partnership: Cornelia’s partnership with a courtesan brothel owner.
Reversal of Fortunes: Sherwood’s declining business vs. Cornelia’s thriving venture.
Mystical Elements: Sherwood’s dead father reappearing and the untouched burned manuscript.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Producer/Manager
What I learned today is to always be cooperative and provide whatever materials the producer or manager want or need.

How will you present yourself and your project to the producer? I would first present my project with a well crafted hook and unique concept that would attract actors and funding. I would then present a well written pilot script and series bible showing a small evolving cast and few sets for each episode. My openness to suggestions for changes will shine with my eagerness to brainstorm or make any improvements the producer might suggest.

How will you present yourself and your project to the manager?
I will present myself as the writer of several well written projects both series and features. I will trust the manager’s expertise in understanding the industry, how business happens, and listening to their strategies to make me a successful writer. I will do this by implementing any changes to promotion materials and script rewrites that they might give me.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hello Everyone.
My name is Rebecca (RS) Sukle. I’ve written 5 scripts with one in the works during my five years of taking classes at Screenwriting U. Although I’ve had similar content as part of the Binge Worthy, Writing Incredible Movies, and another class on creating character, I felt I needed a refresher course that also included AI. When not writing, I teach Yoga and work on turning our very active but cute golden retriever puppy into a good dog.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle, I agree to the terms of this release form

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Marketable Components
What I learned from this assignment is that making a small change in one element can inspire a change that elevates another.

Title: Many Wives and Lives

Series logline: Sherwood Anderson, a former child of poverty and a successful failed businessman, gives up wealth and family to become an internationally known writer and ex-husband to three progressive women, happily married to number four but still friends with number one and despite conflict by his two egos, he finds contentment as the editor of two small newspapers in a rural Virginia mountain town.

Unique: To make it more unique than just Sherwood Andersons relationship with his wives, I decided to put Sherwood into more of a Forrest Gump type role and focus on his four wives especially his first and last that highlight female resilience during a repressive era forcing women to depend on men for their survival or go rouge.

Changing Unique allowed me to change timely.
Timely: The history of gender inequality and female innate resilience.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Project and Market
Title, and Concept: Historic drama series, Many Wives and Lives
Series Concept: Sherwood Anderson, a former child of poverty and a successful failed businessman, gives up wealth and family to become an internationally known writer and part of literary renaissances in Chicago, Harlem, and New Orleans. An ex-husband to three wives, happily married to number four but still friends with number one and distressed by his two egos, he eventually finds contentment as the editor of two small newspapers in a rural Virginia mountain town.
Pilot Concept: In a daring leap from material riches to creative expression, a self-made business tycoon, risks his sanity, family ties, and reputation in a high-stakes game of reinvention to pursue a literary career.

2. What I think is most attractive about your story: The contrast of wives and lifestyles that American writer Sherwood Anderson chooses while juggling the conflict of his two personas.
3. Tell us which you will target FIRST — managers, producers, or actor’s production company — and why you picked that target: I picked managers because they know the business and I can learn from them on how to best present my three completed scripts and two other projects under construction.
4. “What I learned today is…?” During my marketing excursions via Binge Worthy and WIM classes, I focused on producers, but decided a manager might be the best route to go once get a foot in the door.

What I learned from this assignment, a review of marketing in Bingeworthy and WIM courses, is there is always room for improvement.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle, I agree to the terms of this release form.”

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hello Everyone. My name is Rebecca (RS) Sukle. I’ve written 5 scripts with one in the works during my five years of taking classes at Screenwriting U. Although I’ve had similar content as part of the Binge Worthy and Writing Incredible Movies classes, I felt I needed a refresher course that also included AI. I hope to use AI as an additional tool. When not writing, I teach Yoga and work on turning our very active but cute golden retriever puppy into a good dog.

[Rebecca Sukle]

I am still waiting to exchange feedback with someone.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Thriller Map Version 1

Looking to exchange feedback, Imagespirit@yahoo.com . Thank you.

Title: Perfect Pitch

Logline: A reclusive security systems expert finds a young singing sensation hiding in his garden and offers her refuge from an abusive manager, unaware that his help includes evading detection from bounty hunters, government agents, and hired assassins in a nationwide search to find her.

INT. VIRGINIA BEACH CONVENTION HALL – NIGHT

JADE OLIVER, age 22 and pop star sensation, stands on a stage sings an accapello rendition of HOW GREAT THOU ART, mexxmerizes the audience, walks off the stage to thunderous applause, and away from her successful singing career.

EXT. VIRGINIA BEACH CONVENTION CENTER – NIGHT

Rain pours down on a lone small woman wearing a backpack darting through the parking lot, hiding her trail behind parked cars.

EXT. DUPLEX HOUSE – NIGHT

A service truck pulls into the driveway, lettering on truck, Across the Cloud Networking and Security Systems. A man wearing a raincoat, carring a bag of fast food, enters.

INT. DUPLEX HOUSE – NIGHT

JACOB ADANICH, age 42, a network and security systems expert, heads upstairs to the living area and greeted by his Boston Terrier, Max. The dog’s ears perk and his head tilts, listening, and agitated. Jacob opens a sliding glass door to the deck and stairs to a high fenced garden. Max shoots down the steps.

EXT. DUPLEX HOUSE – NIGHT

Jacob follows and shines q flashlight on a soaking wet girl hiding in the garden. Frightened and emotional, she begs him to help her.

INT. DUPLEX HOUSE – NIGHT

The girl, looks like a teen with goulish makeup running down her face. She gives her name as Olivia Kurk and claims to be fleeing from her abusive boyfriend. Against his better judgement, Jacob grants her asylum for the night. The girl appears anorexic, shivering, and hysterical.

INT. DUPLEX HOUSE – DAY

The next morning Jacob cooks breakfast and invites the girl to eat. He prefers a reclusive life with no drama, just him, Max, and work. He turns on local morning news, the big story is about a missing popular singer, JADE OLIVER, suffering a mental breakdown and wandering in a neighborhood near the convention center. Jacob looks at the photo on the screen and back to Jade. She pleas for protection from her abusive music manager who holds her captive.

INT. VIRGINIA BEACH CONVENTION CENTER – DAY

Jacob helps the police and Louis Martz, Jade’s manager view the tapes from the center’s security cameras. Martz mentions that that the girl is a vegan nut job and might be faking a breakdown as an excuse not to go on a world tour. The videos show Jade fleeing the convention center in the opposite direction from his neighborhood.

INT. DUPLEX – SAME TIME

Jade explores Jacobs house, finds a worn marked up bible in his tidy bedroom, a baby cup in the kitchen, a room on the street level full of musical instruments and recording equipment.

INT. DUPLEX – LATER

Jacob returns home mistrustful about Jade, but she denies Martz’s claims and shares more of her situation.

INT. DUPLEX – NEXT DAY

Jacob retuns home from a job, finds Jade in the music room and dismisses her questions. She picks up a guitar and begins to sing a song he wrote. Intrigued, he accompanies her on the keyboard. The two share the gift of perfect pitch and love of music. She asks about the song and the woman, the love of his life. He denies the song is about a woman.

INT. DUPLEX – NIGHT

Martz appears on the evening national news claiming that he received a ransom note and that the FBI is involved in the search. Jacob asks Jade to turn herself in so he’ll not be branded as a kidnapper. She assures him that she did not write the note. She mentions a finacial backer and names a few mid-eastern countries. She confides that the stress of intensive world travel and performing will kill her.

EXT. JACOB’S NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Armed men dressed in black conduct a door-to-door search in the neighborhood. They show fake detective badges and search warrants and carry guns.

INT. DUPLEX – DAY

Jake receives alerts on his phone from the security cameras around his house and sees the men. He hides Jade in a secret space under the stairs, and allows the men search his house. He recognizes one as being CIA.

INT. DUPLEX – LATER

Jacob cuts off Jade’s long hair and gives her a buzz cut with his clippers. He gives her a pair of boy’s jeans, a long sleeved tee-shirt, and a hoodie. She keeps her earings.

INT. DUPLEX GARAGE – DAY

They load equipment from Jacob’s work van into his pick-up truck and several backpacks, a bin of supplies for Max, and a locked gun case.

EXT. HIGHWAY – CONTINUOUS

They drive through southside Virginia towards the mountains.

EXT. MOUNTAIN CABIN – LATE AFTERNOON

They park at a secluded tourist cabin near a mountain top at Meadows of Dan. Jake unloads cameras from the truck and sets them up around the parimater.

INT. MOUNTAIN CABIN – NIGHT

Max barks Jake awake at the alert from the security camera, too late. Two armed bounty hunters capture them before they can escape. Jacob diarms both using hand-to-hand combat. Jake ties up and interrogates them. Martz offered a $100K bounty.

EXT. HIKING CABIN OFF THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL – DAY

Jacob sets up cameras. Men in black find the hideout. Jacob captureS one, the CIA agent from Virginia Beach. Jacob asks if Martz sent them. The agent nods negative. The Big Guy ordered them to take out Jacob and grab the girl.”

INT. EMPTY SKI CHALET – NIGHT

The couple’s next hideout is in the North Carolina mountains. Jake receives and alert from a camera a mile away. He sends Jade to hide at a nearby house. The intruder turns away from his location and heads towards where Jade hides. Jacob stalks him, shoots his knee and interrogates him. Arabic accent, a hired assain sent by Sarnoff. Mertz send you? Who’s Sarnoff? The man’s mouth foams, and he slumps into death.

EXT. HIGHWAY IN NORTH CAROLINA – EARLY MORNING

After evading bounty hunters, CIA agents, and a hired assain, Jake decides to take Jade to a secure paramilitary training center near coastal North Carolina. He spies a car following them but outwits the tail.

EXT. SIDE ROAD OFF HWY – DAY

Jacob turns onto a dirt road, pulls Jade into the woods, and searches her body. He’s looking for a tracking device and thretens to strip her naked to find it. She freezes. He calls his business partner for information on a human implanted device, learns it’s top secret techonolgy. He finds a tracking device implanted in Jade’s earlobe, removes it.

EXT. TRAINING CENTER IN NORTH CAROLINA – DAY

They enter a back gate of a compond surrounded by a high chain link fence topped with razor wire. The gate opens after Jake’s eye scan. They drive across dirt roads until they reach a cluster of buildings. Jacob moves Jade and Max into a cottage.

INT. GROCERY STORE – DAY

Jacob drives to the supermarket to buy vagen food for Jade, and approached by one of his fomer clients. After a brief exchange, He leaves.

INT. COTTAGE – DAY

Jacob cooks a meal; Jade impressed. He tells her about the self-defense training camp that instructs security guards, contract mercenaries, retail business owners, and private citizens. The main trainers are former Navy Seals and Army Rangers.

INT. RECORD COMPANY OFFICE – DAY

VICTOR SARNOFF, a multibillionaire arms dealer, enters Martz’s office with an entaurage of body guards. He chastizes Martz, insists the girl will tour on schedule, and warns he has two days to find Jade or be eliminated.

EXT. SUPERMARKET – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Martz and two armed body guards capture Jacob at the supermarket, and force him to drive them to the training center. Jacob make no attempt to take them out.

INT. COTTAGE AT THE TRAINING CENTER – DAY

Jade screams when she sees guns pointed a Jacob’s head. Martz tells the girl to come quietly and no one will be killed. Jacob asks Martz about sending bounty hunters, CIA, and assains to find them. Martz only admits to the bounty hunters, but he’s only a tiny part of a more significant threat. Instead of shooting Jacob, Martz proposes a deal for joint survival. RODRIGUEZ, Jacob’s business parther, bursts into the room followed by several men in miltary gear, part of a covert anti-deep state militia. Martz joins forces to trap Sarnoff, reveal his diabolical plan and the politicians he controls.

INT. TRAINING CENTER OFFICE – DAY

Martz tells GENERAL ADAMS, leader of the militia made up of disillusioned FBI, Secret Service, and CIA agents that the concert is a cover for Sarnoff’s plan to put his players in each country to agitate simultaneous multiple revolutions around the globe.

Using a secure but recorded line, Martz calls Sarnoff and tells him he will bring the girl. He then bates him into disclosing the diabolical plan for a new world order.

EXT. RECORD COMPANY PARKING LOT – DAY

Sarnoff and his enterage shows up to meet Martz and secure the girl. The get out of their cars and are surrounded by and an army. Sarnoff is ushered into the office.

INT. RECORD COMPANY OFFICE – DAY

Martz produces Jade. Agents annouce Sarnoff’s arrest and inform him about the raid on his office. They sit him in a chair and turn on a television, the program interruped by a News Alert. The audio tape of his call with Martz is released on national television along with photos and communications between Sarnoff, the President of the United States, and the other polititions around the world that he controlled. Sarnoff is cuffed and led away in an armed vehicle. Jade goes limp, falls to to the floor.

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – SAME TIME

Jacob and Rodriguez high five. They pulled it off, a fake televison broadcast cabled directly to the record company’s office.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Jade lies in a bed connected to machines and IV’s. Jacob enters. They discuss her emaciated condition and recovery. Jade expresses appreciation to Jacob for saving her, asks why he risked his life for her, a stranger? His explanation, a former girlfriend high on drugs, returned after a two year absence and abducted their toddler. She and the Two-year-old died in a horrific car crash during a police chase. Jacob’s song was about the loss of his baby girl, her name Olivia Jade.

INT. GENERAL ADAMS OFFICE AT THE COMPOUND – DAY

Jade, now Olivia Kurkowski, looks healthy after months in a treatment center. With Jacob at her side, General Adams goes over Jade’s relocation but expresses concern about her going alone without family. He leaves the room. Tears flow as she says good-by to Jacob. General Adams returns and Max, tail wagging, flys in to greet Jade. Adams shows Jacob’s new passport to Jade, a father to protect her on this new journey.

EXT. GITMO, CUBA – NIGHT

Sarnoff and the President of the United States escape custody and disappear into the unknown.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Thriller Map Version 1

What I learned is how to sort through my thriller map and condense it by taking out overlapping and un-needed parts. After putting it into a more readable form, I now have a start on the script outline.

Opening:

INT. VIRGINIA BEACH CONVENTION HALL – NIGHT

JADE OLIVER, age 22 and former child singer and new pop star sensation, stands on a stage before a prosperous looking audience. She sings an accapello rendition of HOW GREAT THOU ART just before intermission. It’s not on the program or her genre. Her performance mezzmerizes the audience. She finishes to silence and walks off the stage to thunderous applause and away from her career.

EXT. VIRGINIA BEACH CONVENTION CENTER – NIGHT

Rain pours down on a lone small woman wearing a backpack darting through the parking lot, hiding her trail behind parked cars.

EXT. DUPLEX HOUSE – NIGHT

A service truck pulls into the driveway and parks, he lettering on the truck, Across the Cloud Networking and Security Systems. A man exits wearing a raincoat and carring a bag of fast food. He enters the the house.

INT. DUPLEX HOUSE – NIGHT

JACOB ADANICH, age 42, under six feet, thin but muscular and dressed in a work uniform, locks the front door and heads upstairs to the living area where his Boston Terrier, Max, greets him. He talks to his dog. Max with perked ears and tilted head listens and soon appears restless and Jacob opens a sliding glass door to the deck with stairs to a high fenced garden. Max shoots down the stairs.

EXT. DUPLEX HOUSE – NIGHT

Jacob in raincoat with flashlight, quietly follows Max. Jacob shines the light on a soaking wet girl in his garden. Frightened and emotional, she begs Jacob to hide her.

INT. DUPLEX HOUSE – NIGHT

Jake hands the girl a towel, introduces himself, and asks her name. Olivia Kurk she responds. She is fleeing from her abusive boyfriend and her life in danger. She appeals to Jacob to protect her.

Inciting Incident: Against his better judgement he grants her asylum for the night. The girl is skin and bones and shivering.

INT. DUPLEX HOUSE – DAY

The next morning Jacob cooks breakfast and he invites Jade to eat. She looks like 14 cleaned up. She notices that he lives alone. He prefers a reclusive life, one with out drama, just he and Max and work. Jacob turns on local morning TV news. The big story is about the police searching neigborhoods around the convention center for a missing singing star suffering a mental breakdown. Jade pleads again for his protection. The abuser is her manager, owner of the music company and that he holds her captive. The girl looks anorexic.

INT. VIRGINIA BEACH CONVENTION CENTER – DAY

Jacob, a security camera specialist, helps the police and Louis Martz, Jade’s manager, view the tapes from the center’s security cameras. Martz mentions that that the girl is a vegan nut job and might be faking a breakdown as an excuse not to go on tour. The videos show that Jade fled the convention center in the opposite direction from his neighborhood.

INT. DUPLEX – SAME TIME

With Jacob at work, Jade explores his house. His bedroom is neat and clean. The bible on his nightstand is worn and full of notes and bookmarks. She notices a baby cup and bowl on the top shelf of a kitchen cupboard and finds a music room full of instruments and recording equipment just off the main entry.

Jake returns home unsure about Jade’s honesty. She denies the Martz’s claims and shares about more of her situation. Jake shows compassion and contimues to act respetful.

INT. DUPLEX – NEXT DAY

Jacob retuns home from a job and finds Jade in his music room. He dismisses her questions about the instruments and recording equipment. She picks up a guitar and begins to sing a song he wrote. Intrigued, he accomapnies her on the keyboard. The two share the gift of perfect pitch and love of music.

She asks about the song and the woman, the love of his life. He denies the song is about a woman.

Turning point 1:

INT. DUPLEX – NIGHT

Martz appears on the evening national news claiming that he received a ransom note for ten million dollars and that the FBI is now involved in the search. He asks Jade to turn herself in so he’ll not be branded as a kidnapper and face a life in prison. She assures Jacob that she did not write the ransom note and mentions that the tour has a financial backer and names the mid-eastern countries she will tour. She confides that the stress of intensive travel and performing will kill her.

Midpoint:

EXT. JACOB’S NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

Armed men dressed in black conduct a door-to-door search in the neighborhood. They show fake detective badges and search warrants and carry guns.

INT. DUPLEX – DAY

Jake receives alerts on his phone from the security camera around his house and sees the men in the videos. He hides Jade in a secret space int a closet under the stairs behind insturments and speakers. She finds a baby quilt in the space. Jacob allows the men to search his house. He recognizes one as being CIA and they exchange a few words. The men do not find the cleverly hidden singer.

INT. DUPLEX – LATER

Jacob cuts off Jade’s long hair and gives her a buzz cut with his clippers. She showers and he gives her another pair of boy’s jeans, a long sleeved tee-shirt, and a hoodie in her size. He allows her to keep her earings.

INT. DUPLEX GARAGE – DAY

They load equipment from Jacob’s work van into his pick up truck and several backpacks, a bin of supplies for Max, and a shotgun case.

EXT. HIGHWAY – CONTINUOUS

They drive away. As they approach Norfolk, Jade pulls out a cell phone and dials. Jake snatches it, removes the chip, and tosses it out the window. They drive through southside Virginia towards the mountains. Max growls at Jade.

EXT. MOUNTAIN CABIN – LATE AFTERNOON

They park at a secluded tourist cabin near a mountain top at Meadows of Dan. Jake unloads camera from the truck and sets them up around the parimater.

INT. MOUNTAIN CABIN – NIGHT

Max barks and Jake awakens to the alert from the security camera, too late. Two armed bopunty hunters capture them before they can escape. Jacob diarms both using hand-to-hand combat. Jade becomes frightened. Who is he, really?

Jake ties up the bounty hunters, interrogates them, and learns that Martz put a $100K bounty on their heads. Why so much? How did they find his location? Jacob uses one of the men’s phone to call Martz, tells him to come to the cabin to pick up Jade. Jacob, Jade, and Max drive away,

EXT. HIKING CABIN – DAY

The cabin is located on a farm just off the Appalachian Trail in no-where Virginia. Jacob sets up cameras.

Men in black find the hideout. Max helps Jacob capture one, the CIA agent from Virginia Beach. Jacob asks if Martz sent them. The agent nods negative. If not Martz, who? The agent answers, the Big Guy. “The girl must be really important to him. Sorry Jake, our orders were to take you out than grab the girl.”

Turning Point 2:

INT. EMPTY SKI CHALET – NIGHT

The couple’s next hideout is an empty chalet near Hawks Nest in the North Carolina mountains. Jake receives and alert from a camera at the beginning of the dirt road. He sends Jade to hide at a house two doors away. The intruder turns away from his location and heads in the direction where Jade hides. Jacob stalks him and shoots him in the knees and interrogates the fallen man. Arabic accent, not CIA but a hired assain. Mertz send you? No, Sarnoff. Better slit my throat now. I’m ready. Either way I be a dead man. Who’s Sarnoff? The man shrugs, bites down hard with his teeth, his mouth foams, and he slumps into death.

EXT. HIGHWAY IN NORTH CAROLINA – EARLY MORNING

Jake decides to take Jade to a secure paramilitary training center near coastal North Carolina. After two hours on the road, he spies a car following them. Paranoia? They escape the tail.

EXT. SIDE ROAD OFF HWY – DAY

An hour down the road, Jake pulls in to a secluded spot, pulls Jade into the woods, searches her body. Jade freezes in fear. Where is it, the tracking device. Don’t lie to me or I’ll strip. You naked and find it. Jade, bewildered begins to cry. He orders her not to move and calls his business parter for help. He finds a tracking device implanted in Jade’s earlobe and removes it, her earing the power source and top secret technology. Is someone high up in government involved? Did he find the device too late to protect their next hiding place?

EXT. TRAINING CENTER IN NORTH CAROLINA – DAY

They enter a back gate in the middle of nowhere of a compond surrounded by a high chain link fence topped with razor wire. Jacob swipes his card and an eye ball identification. The gate opens, they drive inside, gate closes. They drive across dirt roads until they reach the buildings in the middle. They stop in front of an empty cottage. Jacob ushers her inside; Max follows.

INT. GROCERY STORE – DAY

Jacob goes to the supermarket to buy vagen food for Jade, and approached by one of his fomer clients. After a brief exchange, Jake leaves. The man lingers behind at the check out.

INT. COTTAGE – DAY

Jacob cooks a meal for the two of them. Jade is impressed. He tells her a little about the self defense training camp. The center trains security guards, contract mercenaries, retail business owners especially those in crime ridden areas, and citizens interested in protecting life an property. The main trainers are former Navy Seals and Army Rangers.

INT. RECORD COMPANY OFFICE – DAY

VICTOR SARNOFF, a multibillionaire arms dealer, enters Martz’s office with an entaurage of body guards.

Sarnoff chastizes Martz for not finding the girl and reminds him of the cost if the she doesn’t go on tour. Martz agress about the big financial loss and suggests they could postpone it. Sarnoff mentions about his big investment and timing. She will tour on schedule. Sarnoff warns that Martz has two days to find Jade or be eliminated. Martz receives a phone call from one of his scouts, target spotted.

Climax:

EXT. SUPERMARKET – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Martz and two burley armed body guards capture Jacob at the supermarket. They force Jacob to drive them to the training center at gunpoint. Why didn’t Jacob take them out in the parking lot?

INT. COTTAGE AT THE TRAINING CENTER – DAY

Max barks and Jade freezes when she sees the guns pointed a Jacob’s head. Martz asks the girl to come quietly and no one will be killed including her family. Jacob asks why Martz sentbounty hunters, CIA, and assains to find them. Martz admits to the bounty hunters but not the CIA or assains. He admits to only following orders and being only a tiny part of a more significant threat.

Jacob tells Martz that armed soldiers surround the cottage. Instead of shooting Jacob, Martz proposes a deal for joint survival as he is on Sarnoff’s death list too. Rodriguez, Jacob’s business parther, bursts into the room followed by several men in miltary gear, part of a covert anti-deep state militia made up of disillusioned former FBI, Secret Service, and CIA agents. Marts joins forces with them to trap Sarnoff into revealing his plan and the politicians he controls.

INT. TRAINING CENTER OFFICE – DAY

The office belongs to General Adams, a former member of the joint chief of staff and a holdover from a previous administration. Martz tells about the concert being a cover for Sarnoff’s plan to put his players in place in each country to agitate simultaneous multiple revolutions around the globe.

Using a secure but recorded line, Martz calls Sarnoff and tells him he will bring the girl. He then bates Sarnoff into disclosing the diabolical reason for the world tour.

Resolution:

EXT. RECORD COMPANY PARKING LOT – DAY

Sarnoff and his enterage shows up to meet Martz and secure the girl. As they get out of their cars, they are surrounded by and army of armed men and the cars disabled. Sarnoff is ushered into the office.

INT. RECORD COMPANY OFFICE – DAY

Martz produces Jade. Agents annouce Sarnoff’s arrest and inform him about the raid on his office. They sit him in a chair and turn on a television. The program is interruped by a News Alert. The audio tape of his call with Martz is released on national television along with photos and communications between Sarnoff, the President of the United States, and the other polititions around the world that he controlled. The general informs Sarnoff that his outburst and confession are also recorded. Sarnoff is cuffed and led away in an armed vehicle. Jade goes limp, falls to to the floor.

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – SAME TIME

Jacob and Rod high five. They pulled it off, a fake televison broadcast cabled directly to the record company’s office.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Jade lies in bed connected to machines and IV’s. Jacob enters and nears her bed. They discuss her run down condition and recovery. Jade expresses appreciation to Jacob for saving her. She asks why he risked his life for her, a stranger? At first he evades the question then opens up. He was sole caregiver for his baby girl from three months after her mother disappeared. The former girlfriend, high on drugs, returned two years later and abducted the baby to sell her. They both died in a horrific car crash during a police chase. Jacob wrote the song about his baby girl to cope with the loss, but sunk into depression. Her name was Olivia Jade. Tears stream down Jade’s face.

INT. GENERAL ADAMS OFFICE AT THE COMPOUND – DAY

Jade, now uses her birth name, Olivia Kurkowski. She looks healthy, having gained weight in the treatment center. Jacob enters the room. The general tells them about Jade’s relocation and new identity. She expresses her concern about going alone without family. Her parents incarcerated for their involvement with Sarnoff and Martz. The general leaves ther room. Jade agian expresses her fear of being alone on her own. Who will protect her? She begins to cry. Why are good-byes so hard. Jacob smiles and comforts her. The general opens the door and Max flys in to greet Jade his tail wagging. She hugs the dog. The General asks Jacob if he’s ready to go, and shows Jacob’s new passport to Jade, I thought you might like a father to go with you on this new journey.

New Mystery: Sarnoff and the President of the United States escape custody and disappear.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Misdirects When Appropriate.

What I learned: I had included most of the important misdirections by doing three previous lessons and didn’t need musch more. After going through this lesson, I found a couple more places to include it.

Clue Misdirection: Jacob’s song about love and loss.

Dialogue Misdirection. Jacob denies his song is about a woman.
Character Misdirection: After being respectful and fatherly towards Jade throughout their jouney, Jacob frightens her. Without a word he rubs his hands all over her body probing each part with his fingers. He threatens to strip her naked and search every inch of her body if she doesn’t reveal the embeded tracking chip, a technology that supposedly doesn’t yet exist.

These three inclusions, inspired a binge of creativity with my Thriller map. What fun. I look forward to the next lesson to clearify it even more.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Gives Great Clues

What I learned: Adding the clues added a richer and emotional experience to my Thriller map. By adding layers from each lesson thus far, I see the story unfolding in ways I never expected earlier.

Thriller Map with Clues Embeded

Opening: A young female singing star, JADE OLIVER, escapes an important concert just before a world tour and hides in the garden of a security systems technician, JACOB ADANICH.

Clue: Despite her anorexia and worn down condition her mentor forces her into a world tour.

Life-threatening – is Jade’s life in danger?

Reveal 1:

Coverup: Jade hides her singing star status from Jacob.
Mystery: Why?
Intrigue: She is frightened and emotional
Suspense: Is her life in danger?
Reveal: She appeals to Jacob for protection from her important but abusive boyfriend.

Mystery 1: What prompted her escape before a world tour?

Inciting incident: Jade begs JACOB for asylum from her abusive boyfriend and he agrees.

Reveal 2:

Coverup: Jacob hides behind his reclusive technician persona.
Mystery: Why does he agree to hide her?
Intrigue: She is skin and bone, anorexic.
Suspense: Will he regret his decision?
Reveal: Jade is a missing singing sensation. Police are conducting a search around the convention center.

Trust: Jacob believes her original story and offers asylum.

Twist: Jacob learns that Jade is a singing star and the abuser is her Manager.

Clue: Canceling a world tour causes a big financial loss but does that justify causing a mental and physical breakdown of the singer. Why don’t they postpone it?

Mystery 2: What else is Jade hiding when she pleads for Jacob to hide her?

Twist and Distrust: Jacob learns from local news that she is a singing star suffering a breakdown and not just a girl hiding from her abusive boyfriend. Police are conducting a search around the convention center.

Trust: After threatening to turn her in, Jade tells him that her manager keeps her captive and she will die if forced to perform on a world tour. She is anorexic, just skin and bones.

Reveal 3:

Coverup: She claims to be hiding from her abusive Manager who is forcing her to go on a world singing tour.
Mystery: Why did she run away?
Intrigue: Is she telling the truth this time?
Suspense: What else is she hiding?
Reveal: She fears that she is forced to perform on a world tour that the stress will kill her.

Trust: The singer’s manager, Louis Martz, hires Jacob to help him view the security camera videos at the convention center. He convinces him that the girl is a vegetarian nut job who reneged on her obligations by faking a breakdown.

Reveal 4:

Coverup: The singer’s manager, Louis Martz, hires Jacob to help him view the security camera videos at the convention center, and convinces him that the girl is a vegetarian nut job who faked a breakdown as an excuse to not tour.
Mystery: Why did Martz say that?
Intrigue: Jacob doesn’t react, remains focused on the tapes?
Reveal: The videos show that Jade fled the convention center in the opposite direction from his neighborhood. Pretty crafty.

Mystery: Why does Jacob continue to risk his life to hide and protect Jade?

Clue: He grants the anorexic girl asylum in his home and acts respectful, sympathetic, and fatherly.

Distrust: Jake is unsure about Jade’s honesty.

Trust: Jade denies the manager’s claims and shares about her situation and her parent’s exploitation.

While Jacob is at the convention center, Jade explores his bedroom and later discovers a music room. She learns he is a musician.

Mystery: There is more to Jacob than being a mere security camera specialist.

Clue: Despite not being religous, Jacob is moral, spiritual, and his bible worn and full of notes and bookmarks.

Clue: Jade finds a baby cup and plate on a top shelf in the kitchen.

Twist: She learns Jacob is a former burned-out but talented musician, and they share the same gift of perfect pitch.

Reveal 5:

Coverup: Jacob dismissed Jade’s question about his music room full of instruments and older recording equipment.
Mystery: Was he a recording engineer or gifted musician?
Intrigue: Why else does he hide about himself?
Clue: She is moved by a song he wrote about love and loss.
Reveal: She picks up a guitar and begins to sing. He discovers her in the music room. Intrigued, he accompanies her on the keyboard. The two share the gift of perfect pitch and love of music. She learns that he once came close to the fame she achieved.
Clue: Jacob remains evasive when Jade questions him about his secluded life.

TURNING POINT 1:

Distrust: Martz changes his story and gives a ransom note to the FBI, now claiming the girl was kidnapped.

Twist: The girl’s Manager, Louis Martz, appears on national television, claiming to receive a ransom note for 10 million dollars.

Danger: The Technician, now branded a kidnapper. The FBI joins the search.

Distrust: Jacob learns about Jade’s kidnapping on the news and that the FBI has a ransom note.

Distrust: Did Jade write it?

Reveal 6:

Coverup: Jacob learns about Jade’s kidnapping on the news and that the FBI has a ransom note.
Mystery: Did Jade write the note or Martz?
Intrigue: Will Jacob be branded a kidnapper?
Suspense: How soon until the FBI finds them?
Reveal: Martz provided the note to get the FBI involved.

Twist and Trust: Jacob threatens to turn her in if she is not more truthful. She tells him more about the world tour and that it has a financial backer. She fears she will die on tour.

Life-threatening: the Technician could get life in prison for kidnapping.

Mystery 3: Why did the singer’s Manager lie, and what other means will he take to find her?

Midpoint: Armed men dressed in black conduct a door-to-door search in the Technician’s neighborhood, show fake detective badges and search warrants, and carry big guns. They search the house but do not find the cleverly hidden singer.

Clue: Jacob appears as a ordinary security camera technician. He hides Jade in a secret space when the security camera’s around his house send an alert on his phone and he sees the men in black.

Clue: Jade finds a special baby quilt in the hiding space.

Clue: He allows the men to search his house and recognizes one from the CIA and they exchange a few words.

Twist: The armed men were CIA agents. New Mystery: Why is the CIA involved? Clue: Who controls the CIA?

Life-threatening: Would they kill him if they found the girl?

Reveal 7:

Coverup: Armed men dressed in black conduct a door-to-door search in the Technician’s neighborhood, they show fake badges and warrants.
Mystery: What other means will Martz take to find her?
Intrigue: Who are these men, not FBI?
Suspense: Will they find Jade’s hiding place when the search the house?
Reveal: Jacob recognizes one of the men as a CIA agent and confronts him.

The Jacob and Jade, in disguise, load into the work panel truck, drive into the Virginia mountains and stay in a secluded tourist cabin near a mountaintop.

Distrust: While on the run from their pursuers, Jade calls her manager, putting their hiding place at risk. Jacob destroys the phone.

Clue: Bounty hunters find them in a seculded cabin on the side of a mountain.

Life-threatening: Jacob’s security cameras show activity, too late. Two armed Bounty Hunters capture them before they escape. The Technician disarms both using hand-to-hand combat.

The bound-up bounty hunters tell him about $100K bounty on their heads.

Reveal 8:

Coverup: Jacob and Jade hide in a secluded tourist cabin near a mountaintop, and Jacob disarms two bounty hunters using hand-to-hand combat.
Mystery: Jacob manages to outwit and disarm bounty hunters and trained assassins at their various hiding places; where did he learn his combat skills?
Clue: When the armed bountyhunters find them, he easily takes them out, and interrogates them.

Intrigue: How do the bad guys keep finding them?
Suspense: Will they ever find a safe place to hide?
Reveal: Jacob takes Jade to a secure paramilitary training center and on route finds a tracking chip implanted in her earlobe.

Twist: Jacob uses the bounty hunter’s phone and calls Martz to come to the cabin to pick up the Jade.

New Mystery: How did the bounty hunters know their location?

Distrust: Jacob frightens Jade when he disables two bounty hunters using hand to hand combat.

Jacob and Jade leave.

Turning point 2: Jake and Jade evade government agents, bounty hunters, and assassins. He takes her to a secure paramilitary training center.

Clue: Assains find them at two other hidden locations. How?

Clue: Jacob notices a car begins to follow them only after two hours of travel. Paranoia or are they being tracked?

Clue: He anticipates, evades, and out wits hired assains and finds the tracking chip embedded in Jade’s earlobe.

Clue: Jacob takes Jade to a paramilitary training compound owned by his security camera business partner, the instructors former Navy Seals and Army Rangers.

Reveal 9:

Coverup: A string of bodies pile up behind Jade and Jacob on their journey.
Mystery: What is the fundamental importance of the singer that causes government agents, bounty hunters, and trained assassins to hunt them down?
Intrigue: Is someone bigger involved.
Clue: Trained assains follow and attack.
Suspense: What will happen when Jacob runs out of ideas?
Reveal: Mertz didn’t send the assians.

Mystery 3: What is the fundamental importance of the singer that causes government agents, bounty hunters, and trained assassins to hunt them down?

Life Threatening: The assassins killed anyone the couple met along their journey or any they spoke with.

Life-threatening: Will the hunters kill both him and the singer to silence them? How do they keep finding their hiding places?

Twist: They discover a tracking chip embedded in the girl’s earlobe. Suspense: Did they find it too late to protect their new hiding place?

Climax: The Martz and two burley guards with guns capture the Technician at a grocery store. They drive him to the training center at gunpoint.

Reveal 10:

Coverup: When captured by Mertz and his bodyguards, Jacob doesn’t take them out and leads them to the training camp.
Mystery: Why didn’t Jacob take them out in the grocery parking lot?
Intrigue: Jacob plays it cool and bluffs that the building surrounded by paramilitary. A bluff?
Clue: The paramilitary training compound is owned by his security camera business partner, the instructors former Navy Seals and Army Rangers.

Suspense: Will Mertz shoot Jacob and Jade after he talks too much?
Reveal: Jacob’s security business partner shows up armed, followed by several men in military gear.

Trust: Martz promises he won’t harm couple if Jacob allows him to meet with Jade.

Distrust: Martz’s two bodyguards pull guns and aim at Jacobs’s head while he leads them to the training camp.

Mystery 5: Why didn’t Jacob take them out?

The Manager tells the couple that he just follows orders and only a tiny part of a more significant threat.

Clue: Who is Jade’s financial backer? Why is he so insistant that the tour take place on time?

Reveal 11:

Coverup: Mertz claims he didn’t send in the bounty hunters or assains.
Mystery: Who is the true Villian?
Intrigue: Mertz claims he only follows orders and a tiny part of a more significant threat.
Reveal: George Sarnoff, a billionaire arms dealer, owns the music company with Mertz as his lackey.

Mystery 6: Who is the true Villain?

Reveal 12:

Coverup: Instead of shooting the Jacob, the Manager proposes a deal for joint survival.
Mystery: Why?
Intrigue: Why is Jade so. Important to Sarnoff?
Suspense: Can Mertz be trusted?
Reveal: George Sarnoff, planned to use the singer’s world tour as a cover to put his players in place in each country for simultanious revolution, and threatened Mertz with death when he complained.

Life Threatening: Will they kill him and take the girl?

Will they target the girl’s family next?

Will they kill the singer at the tour’s end if she complies?

Resolution: The Hero expects the worse and pulls a bluff that armed soldiers surround them.

Mystery 7: Is it really a bluff?

Clue: The center trains security guards, contract mercenaries, retail business owners, and interested citizens about protecting life and property.

Twist: Instead of shooting the Technician, the Manager strikes a deal for joint survival.

Twist: The Manager is a lackey of George Sarnoff, a billionaire arms dealer. Distrust: Martz agreed with using private detectives but not the bounty hunters and assains.

Villain’s Plan: The Villain, George Sarnoff, planned to use the singer’s world tour as a cover to his players in place in each country. Distrust: Sarnoff threatened to put Martz on his death list when he appeared uncomfortable about the bigger diabolical plan.

Twist: The Hero’s business partner shows up armed, followed by several men in military gear, part of a covert anti-deepstate militia that also includes disillusioned ex FBI, Secret Service, and CIA agents.

The Manager joins forces with them to trap the arm’s dealer and reveal his identity, the politicians he controls.

Using a secure but recorded line, Martz calls Sarnoff and tells him he will bring the girl. He tricks Sarnoff.

Trust: Sarnoff discloses the diabolic reason for the world singing tour, to put his players in place to incite multiple simultaneous revolutions around the globe and to sell Jade at the end of the tour.

Distrust: Sarnoff notices Martz’s discomfort and reminds him he will be replaced.

Trust: Martz assures Sarnoff he will go along with the plan but wants a bigger payoff.

Distrust: The militia covertly works against the deep state under the Senate majority leader along with a General and former joint chief of staff, a holdover from the previous administration.

Reveal: Jade and her parents and sister-brother are offered witness protection. Only Jade and her father accept and willing to assume new identities in and undisclosed location.

Before Jade’s relocation to a new life she asks Jacob why he risked his life for her, so unlike anything her parents would do.

Reveal: He confides about his ex-girlfriend abducting their two-year- old daughter, learning he wasn’t the father, and their death in a horrific car crash when she was high on drugs. The name of his two-year-old daughter was Jade who died twenty years earlier

Resolution: The tape is released on national television and worldwide, along with photos and communications between Sarnoff and the President of the United States and other politicians he controlled.

Mystery: Sarnoff and the President disappear.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Reveals

What I learned: I found a lot of set ups and reveals in my Thriller map based on previous exercises. I discovered more doing this assignment.

A few eveals built into my Thriller Map.

Reveal 2:

Coverup: Jacob hides behind his reclusive technician persona. <div>

Mystery: Why does he agree to hide her?

Intrigue: She is skin and bone, anorexic.
Suspense: Will he regret his decision?

Reveal: Jade is a missing singing sensation. Police are conducting a search around the convention center.

Reveal 3:

Coverup: She claims to be hiding from her abusive Manager who is forcing her to go on a world singing tour.</div><div>

Mystery: Why did she run away?

Intrigue: Is she telling the truth this time?

Suspense: What else is she hiding?

Reveal: She fears that she is forced to perform on a world tour that the stress will kill her.

Reveal 6:

Coverup: Jacob dismissed Jade’s question about his music room full of instruments and older recording equipment. </div><div>

Mystery: Was he a recording engineer or gifted musician?

Intrigue: Why else does he hide about himself?

Reveal: She picks up a guitar and begins to sing. He accompanies her on the keyboard and she learns that they both share perfect pitch and love of music.

Reveal 10:

Coverup: When captured by Mertz and his bodyguards, Jacob doesn’t take them out and leads them to the training camp. </div>

Mystery: Why didn’t Jacob take them out in the grocery parking lot?

Intrigue: Jacob plays it cool and bluffs that the building surrounded by paramilitary. A bluff?
Suspense: Will Mertz shoot Jacob and Jade after he talks too much?

Reveal: Jacob’s security business partner shows up, armed and followed by several men in military gear.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Trust Relationships

What I learned: Using the Trust and Distrust exercise adds a whole new layer of intrigue to the story. I enjoyed integrating trust and distrust into a new growing Thriller Map as the story builds.

Opening: A young female singing star, JADE OLIVER, escapes an important concert just before a world tour and hides in the garden of a security systems technician, JACOB ADANICH.

Life-threatening – is Jade’s life in danger?

Mystery 1: What prompted her escape before a world tour?

Inciting incident: Jade begs JACOB for asylum from her abusive boyfriend and he agrees.

Trust: Jacob believes her original story and offers asylum.

Twist: Jade hides that she is a singing star and the abuser is her Manager.

Mystery 2: What else is she hiding when she pleads for Jacob to hide her?

Twist and Distrust: Jacob learns from local news that she is a singing star suffering a breakdown and not just a girl hiding from her abusive boyfriend. Police are conducting a search around the convention center.

Trust: After threatening to turn her in, Jade tells him that her manager keeps her captive and she will die if forced to perform on a world tour. She is anorexic, just skin and bones.

Trust: Martz hires Jacob to help him view the security camera videos at the convention center. He convinces him that the girl is a vegetarian nut job who reneged on her obligations by faking a breakdown.

Distrust: Jake is unsure about Jade’s honesty.

Trust: Jade denies the manager’s claims and shares about her situation and her parent’s exploitation.

TURNING POINT 1:

Distrust: Martz changes his story and gives a ransom note to the FBI, now claiming the girl was kidnapped.

Twist: The girl’s Manager, Louis Martz, appears on national television, claiming to receive a ransom note for 10 million dollars.

Danger: The Technician, now branded a kidnapper. The FBI joins the search.

Distrust: Jacob learns about Jade’s kidnapping on the news and that the FBI has a ransom note.

Distrust: Did Jade write it?

Twist and Trust: Jacob threatens to turn her in if she is not more truthful. She tells him more about the world tour and that it has a financial backer. She fears she will die on tour.

Twist: She learns Jacob is a former burned-out but talented musician, and they share the same gift of perfect pitch.

Life-threatening: the Technician could get life in prison for kidnapping.

Mystery 3: Why did the singer’s Manager lie, and what other means will he take to find her?

Midpoint: Armed men dressed in black conduct a door-to-door search in the Technician’s neighborhood, show fake detective badges and search warrants, and carry big guns. They search the house but do not find the cleverly hidden singer.

Twist: The armed men were CIA agents. New Mystery: Why is the CIA involved?

Life-threatening: Would they kill him if they found the girl?

The Jacob and Jade, in disquise, load into the work panel truck, drive into the Virginia mountains and stay in a secluded tourist cabin near a mountaintop.

Distrust: While on the run from their pursuers, Jade calls her manager, putting their hiding place at risk. Jacob destroys the phone.

Life-threatening: Jacob’s security cameras show activity, too late. Two armed Bounty Hunters capture them before they escape. The Technician disarms both using hand-to-hand combat.

New Mystery: Where did he learn his skills?

The bound-up bounty hunters tell him about $100K bounty on their heads.

Twist: Jacob uses the bounty hunter’s phone and calls Martz to come to the cabin to pick up the Jade.

New Mystery: How did the bounty hunters know their location?

Distrust: Jacob frightens Jade when he disables two bounty hunters using hand to hand combat.

Jacob and Jade leave.

Turning point 2: Jake and Jade evade government agents, bounty hunters, and assassins. He takes her to a secure paramilitary training center.

Mystery 3: What is the fundamental importance of the singer that causes government agents, bounty hunters, and trained assassins to hunt them down?

Life Threatening: The assassins killed anyone the couple met along their journey or any they spoke with.

Life-threatening: Will the hunters kill both him and the singer to silence them? How do they keep finding their hiding places?

Twist: They discover a tracking chip embedded in the girl’s earlobe. Suspense: Did they find it too late to protect their new hiding place?

Mystery 4: Jacob manages to outwit and disarm trained assassins; where did he learn his combat skills?

Climax: The Martz and two burley guards with guns capture the Technician at a grocery store. They drive him to the training center at gunpoint.

Trust: Martz promises he won’t harm couple if Jacob allows him to meet with Jade.

Distrust: Martz’s two bodyguards pull guns and aim at Jacobs’s head while he leads them to the training camp.

Mystery 5: Why didn’t Jacob take them out?

The Manager tells the couple that he just follows orders and only a tiny part of a more significant threat.

Mystery 6: Who is the true Villain?

Life Threatening: Will they kill him and take the girl?

Will they target the girl’s family next?

Will they kill the singer at the tour’s end if she complies?

Resolution: The Hero expects the worse and pulls a bluff that armed soldiers surround them.

Mystery 6: Is it really a bluff?

Twist: Instead of shooting the Technician, the Manager strikes a deal for joint survival.

Twist: The Manager is a lackey of George Sarnoff, a billionaire arms dealer. Distrust: Martz agreed with using private detectives but not the bounty hunters and assains.

Villain’s Plan: The Villain, George Sarnoff, planned to use the singer’s world tour as a cover to put his players in place in each country. Distrust: Sarnoff threatened to put Martz on his death list when he appeared uncomfortable about the bigger diabolical plan.

Twist: The Hero’s business partner shows up armed, followed by several men in military gear. The Manager joins forces with them to trap the arm’s dealer and reveal his identity, the politicians he controls.

Using a secure but recorded line, Martz calls Sarnoff and tells him he will bring the girl. He tricks Sarnoff.

Trust: Sarnoff discloses the diabolic reason for the world singing tour, to put his players in place to incite multiple simultaneous revolutions around the globe and to sell Jade at the end of the tour.

Distrust: Sarnoff notices Martz’s discomfort and reminds him he will be replaced.

Trust: Martz assures Sarnoff he will go along with the plan but wants a bigger payoff.

Distrust: The militia covertly works against the deep state under the Senate majority leader along with a General and former joint chief of staff, a holdover from the previous administration.

They secure the girl and any family member willing to go into witness protection and assume new identities in an undisclosed location. The tape is released on national television and worldwide, along with photos and communications between Sarnoff and the President of the United States and other politicians he controlled.

Mystery: Sarnoff and the President disappear.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Plot Twists and Turns

I learned to allow my mind to roam free on this assignment and had fun creating twists and turns that opened my plot to new possibilities for action and intrigue that kept building on the previous lessons.

Opening: A young female singing star escapes an important concert just before a world tour and hides in the garden of a security technician.

Life-threatening – is her life in danger?

Mystery 1: What prompted the singer’s escape before a world tour?

Inciting incident: The singer begs him for asylum from her abusive boyfriend, a lie, and he agrees.

Twist: She hides that she is a singing star and the abuser is her Manager.

Mystery 2: What is the singer hiding when she pleads for the Technician to hide her? Twist: He learns from local news that she is a singing star suffering a breakdown and that the police are conducting a search.

TURNING POINT 1:

The girl’s Manager appears on national television, claiming to receive a ransom note for 10 million dollars.

The Technician, now branded a kidnapper.The FBI joins the search.

The Manager pleads for her return.

Twist: He threatens to turn in the girl. She becomes more truthful.

Twist: She learns he is a former burned-out but talented musician, and they share the gift of perfect pitch.

Life-threatening: the Technician could get life in prison for kidnapping.

Mystery 3: Why did the singer’s Manager lie, and what other means will he take to find her?

Midpoint: Armed men dressed in black conduct a door-to-door search in the Technician’s neighborhood, show fake detective badges and search warrants, and carry big guns. They search the house but do not find the cleverly hidden singer.

Twist: The armed men were CIA agents. New Mystery: Why is the CIA involved?

Life-threatening: Would they kill him if they found the girl?

The Technician and the disguised singer load into the work panel truck, drive into the Virginia mountains and stay in a secluded tourist cabin near a mountaintop. Again his security cameras show activity too late. Two armed Bounty hunters capture them before they escape. The Technician disarms both using hand-to-hand combat. New Mystery: Where did he learn his skills? The bound-up bounty hunters tell him about $100K bounty on their heads. Twist: The Technician borrows the bounty hunter’s phone and calls the Manager to come to the cabin to pick up the singer. He and the girl leave. New Mystery: How did they know his location?

Turning point 2: When the Hero and girl evade government agents, bounty hunters, and assassins, he takes her to a secure paramilitary training center.

Mystery 3: What is the fundamental importance of the singer that causes government agents, bounty hunters, and trained assassins to hunt them down?

Life Threatening: The assassins killed anyone the couple met along their journey or those the singer contacted.

Will the hunters kill both him and the singer to silence them? How do they keep finding their hiding places?

Twist: They discover a tracking chip in the girl’s embedded in the girl’s earlobe. Suspense: Did they find it too late to protect their new hiding place?

Mystery 4: He manages to outwit and disarm trained assassins; where did he learn his combat skills?

Climax: The Manager and two burley guards with guns capture the Technician at a grocery store and drive him to the training center at gunpoint. The Manager tells the couple that he is only a tiny part of a more significant threat.

Villain’s Plan: He planned to use the singer’s world tour as a cover to put his players in place in each country.

Mystery 5: Who is the true Villain?

Life Threatening: Will they kill him and take the girl?

Will they target the girl’s family next?

Will they kill the singer at the tour’s end if she complies?

Resolution: The Hero expects the worse and pulls a bluff that armed soldiers surround them. Mystery 6: Is it really a bluff? Twist: Instead of shooting the Technician, the Manager strikes a deal for joint survival. Twist: The Manager is a lackey of the true Villain, a billionaire arms dealer. Twist: The Hero’s business partner shows up armed, followed by several men in military gear. The Manager joins forces with them to trap the arm’s dealer and reveal his identity, the politicians he controls, and his diabolical plan on national television.

Villain’s Plan: The Villain planned to incite multiple simultaneous revolutions around the globe, including the US.

Life-threatening: The Villain’s assassins will kill the Manager to silence him despite him finding the singer.

Life Threatening: The Villain will kill them all if their plan fails.

Mystery: Is the Villain part of a worldwide conspiracy?

Twist: Both the Villain, the US President, and his family disappear.

Twist: The Technician’s business partner trained him for combat.

Twist: The Business Partner and the other men are former Navy Seals and Army Rangers who own the training facility and are part of a covert patriotic force to save the United States from the corrupt appointees of the now-missing President. New Mystery: What other heads of state do the global billionaire cabal own?

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Thriller Plot

I learned from this assignment how much fun it was to intertwine previous work into a plot and enjoy the new ideas that popped up and incorporate them as well.

OPENING: A young female singing star escapes an important concert just before a world tour and hides in the garden of a security technician.

Life-threatening – is her life in danger?

Mystery 1: What prompted the singer’s escape before a world tour?

INCITING INCIDENT: The singer begs him for asylum from her abusive boyfriend, a lie, and he agrees.

Mystery 2: What is the singer hiding when she pleads for the Technician to hide her?

TURNING POINT 1: The girl’s Manager appears on national television claiming to receive a ransom note for 10 million dollars, the Technician, now branded a kidnapper, and the FBI joins the search.

Life-threatening: the Technician could get life in prison.

Mystery 3: Why did the singer’s Manager lie, and what other means will he take to find her?

MIDPOINT: Armed men dressed in black conduct a door-to-door search in the Technician’s neighborhood, show fake badges and search warrants, and carry big guns. They search the house but do not find the cleverly hidden singer.

Life-threatening: Would they kill him if they found the girl?

TURNING POINT 2: When the Hero and girl evade government agents, bounty hunters, and assassins, he takes her to a secure paramilitary training center.

Mystery 3: What is the fundamental importance of the singer that causes government agents, bounty hunters, and trained assassins to hunt them down?

Life Threatening: The assassins killed anyone the couple met along their journey or those the singer contacted.

Will the hunter kill both him and the singer to silence them?

Did they find the tracking chip in the girl’s embedded in the girl’s earlobe too late to protect their hiding place?

Mystery 4: Where and how did the recluse technician learn his combat skills?

CLIMAX: The Manager and two burley guards with guns confront the Technician and drive him to the training center. He and the singer learn that the Manager is only a tiny part of a more significant threat.

Villian’s Plan: To use the singer’s world tour as a cover to put his players in place at each stop.

Mystery 5: Who is the true villain?

Life Threatening: Will they kill him and take the girl?

Will they target the girl’s family next?

Will they kill the singer at the tour’s end if she complies?

RESOLUTION: The Hero expects the worse and pulls a bluff that paramilitary trainees surround them. Instead of shooting the Technician, the Manager strikes a deal for joint survival. The Hero’s business partner shows up, and they all join forces to trap the true villain, a trillionaire arms dealer, and reveal on national television the politicians in high places that he controls and his diabolical plan.

Mystery 6: Was the Hero bluffing?

Villian’s Plan: The Villian hoped to incite multiple simultaneous revolutions around the globe, including the US.

Life-threatening: The Villian’s assassins will kill the Manager to silence him despite him finding the singer.

Life Threatening: The villain will kill them all if their plan fails.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Life-Threatening Sequence

I learned that the Villian’s Plan and the Mystery Sequence help set up the life-threatening sequences.

Singer escapes her abusive Manager during a concert just before a world tour. She fears she will die on the tour. What does she know?

1. The anorexic singer, drenched and shivering, hides in the Hero’s garden and pleads for asylum. He agrees and unknowingly puts himself in danger.

2. The Manager sends his security team to hunt for the girl. When they don’t find her, he calls the police saying the singer suffers a nervous breakdown. Could the Hero be arrested?

3. The Hero learns on local television news that the police are looking for the singer suffering a nervous breakdown and appealing to the public to report if they’ve spotted her. The police might arrest the Hero for not responding.

4. The next day the Hero learns that the singer’s Manager received a ransom note for 10 million dollars, and the FBI is now involved in the search. Will he be branded a kidnapper and prosecuted?

5. The Hero, a security expert, tries to carry on with business as usual. Things get dicey when the Manager calls him to the convention center to check the camera footage. Can he keep his cool and not arouse suspicion from the Manager?

6. When the Hero’s house cameras show men in black doing a door-to-door search in his neighborhood, he hides the girl in a secret closet under the stairs. The men flash fake badges and search warrants, carry guns, and search his townhouse. Who are these thugs?

7. He and the disguised girl load the work panel truck, drive through rural Southside Virginia, and up into the mountains to a secluded tourist cabin near a mountaintop. Again his security cameras show activity. He and the girl barely escape.

8. When Hero and the girl manage to evade all pursuers, the Manager covertly involves bounty hunters to track her down and bring her back unscathed.

9. Impatient, the Manager’s boss threatens him and sends out his mercenaries, professional assassins, to find and kill the singer’s accomplice and arrange fatal accidents for anyone she may have contacted or spoken to.

10. When the Hero learns of the trail of deaths behind them, he moves the singer to a secured paramilitary training center in North Carolina and into a caretaker house.

11. Spotted by one of his clients in a grocery store, the Hero acts as usual and claims to be working a job in the area. He worries the hunters are getting close.

12. He finds and removes a tracking chip implanted into the girl’s earlobe. Is it too late to escape, and to where?

13. He places a call from a locked, secure phone at the training center and learns that someone threatened to kill the singer’s family unless he turns her in.

14. On the next trip to the store, the Manager and two burley guards confront the Hero and drive him to the training center. Will they kill him and take the girl?

15. They learn the Manager is not the true Villain and that all of them are a small part of something much bigger.

16. The Hero expects the worse, but instead of shooting him, the Manager strikes a deal for joint survival. Will they outwit the bigger Villain and the politicians he controls, some in high places?

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Mystery Sequence

What I learned: I learned that this could be fun. Because I am writing this from a concept, this lesson lets the story unfold as I brainstorm each exercise.

1. What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up? The Villian, a billionaire arms dealer, plans to use the singer’s world tour to put his players in place to incite multiple revolutions around the globe.

2. How many ways can they cover that secret?

Mystery 1: What prompted the singer’s escape before the world tour, and why did the Manager use extreme measures to find her?

The Manager makes most of the music decisions and keeps the young singer on a tight leash.

She escapes from an essential private concert just before the world tour, and the Manager is tasked to find her.

Mystery 2: What is the singer hiding when she pleads with the Hero to grant her asylum?

The Hero finds a shivering, anorexic girl hiding in his garden during the pouring rain, and she begs refuge from her abusive rich boyfriend.

The Hero watches local tv news and learns of the search for a singing star suffering a nervous breakdown and wandering near the convention center.

He covers when the police arrive at the door, later quizzes the girl, and learns about her abusive Manager.

Mystery 3: Why does the Manger take extreme measures to find the girl and claim her kidnapped?

The next day the Manager involves the FBI in the search by showing them a ransom note asking for ten-million dollars, the kidnapping picked up by national news.

The Hero learns of the alleged kidnapping and is worried about the implication for him. Puzzled by Manager’s story change, he threatens to turn in the girl unless she’s more truthful? What else does the singer keep back from the Hero?

Things get dicey when the Hero tries to carry on his security camera business and is called by the girl’s Manager to privately help him check the camera footage at the convention center.

Mystery 4: Why did the Manager send bounty hunters and trained assassins to kill the Hero or anyone else she may have contacted or spoken to?

When the Hero’s house cameras show men in black doing a door-to-door search in his neighborhood, he hides the girl in a secret closet under the stairs within a wardrobe. The men flash fake badges and a search warrant, carry guns, and search his townhouse.

He and the disguised girl load the work panel truck, drive through rural southside Virginia, and into the mountains to hide in a secluded cabin.

When Hero and the girl manager to evade all pursuers, the Manager covertly involves bounty hunters to track her down and bring her back unscathed.

Mystery 5: If the Manager isn’t the Villain, who is?

Impatient, the Manager’s boss threatens him and sends out his mercenaries, professional assassins, to find and kill the singer’s accomplice and anyone else she may have contacted or spoken to.

When the Hero learns of the trail of deaths behind them, he moves her to a secured paramilitary training center in North Carolina and into a caretaker house.

Spotted by one of his clients in a grocery store, the Hero acts as usual and claims to be working a job in the area.

On the next trip to the store, The Manager and two burley guards confront the Hero.

The Hero leads them to the training center, and the two join forces to trap the billionaire arms dealer and reveal his diabolical plan on national television.

The Red Herring is the Manager.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Villain Has A Great Plan

Perfect Pitch

A reclusive security expert finds a young singing sensation hiding in his garden and offers her refuge from an abusive manager unaware that his help includes evading detection from bounty hunters, government agents, and hired assassins involved in a nationwide search to find her.

What I learned: Using my logline as a guide and using the reverse engineering helped me to design the immediate plan to find the girl and give me ideas as to her importance, other than income from her concerts, to go to extreme efforts and her role in an even greater end goal.

Four Questions And Answers:

End Goal? The abusive manager wants to get back his singing sensation who escaped just before a planned world tour and will go to great lengths to find her.

How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way?

The manager first claims the escaped singer suffered a nervous breakdown and wondered off and when the concert security agents fail to find her, he enlists the local police.
The manager later claims he received a ransom note for 5 million dollars and turns to the FBI and the kidnapping gets attention from all the news and social media.

How can he cover it up?

When the girl and her helper manage to evade all their pursuers, the manager covertly involves bounty hunters to track her down and bring her back unscathed.
He then must cover up the real reason she escaped and protect his boss by using professional assassins to kill the singer’s accomplice and arrange fatal accidents for anyone else she may have contacted or spoken to.
The manager’s boss, a billionaire oligarch and arms dealer, is prepared to permanently silence the manager should he fail to locate the girl.
The oligarch must, at all costs, cover up the actual role of the singer in his overall plan.

[Rebecca Sukle]

By doing this exercise, I found that SOTL used MIS various ways, some obvious and others subliminal. The use of MIS in every scene and the character in each scene drew us deeper into the story and understanding those involved. It gave complexity to each character, the villains, and some not-so-nice non-villains. It provided the framework that allowed the viewer to experience the story on a deeper emotional level through frustration, anger, creepiness, anxiety, curiosity, and even respect or empathy for the villains. Most tense scenes contained many MIS elements, the slower scenes less to allow us to breathe and relax. The number and pace kept building on previous scenes to a peak towards the movie’s end to keep us on the edge of our seats. This method provided awareness of the many setups and clever payoffs. The writers of SOTL were masters of manipulating our emotions through their use of MIS.No wonder the viewer feels exhausted at the end of the movie.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Subject Line: Rebecca’s BI Stacking Suspense

I learned that there was a balance to stacking the scenes, some with all of the elements, some with most, and very few with with only two. The stacking of the most thrilling scenes that kept us on edge were followed by a scene with less elements to allow our senses a brief rest until another stacking of tension. Amazing, how few transition scenes without thrills. Using the chart along with the video allowed me to notice the art of balance. It also called attention to the number of set ups and timing and presentation of the reveals in the later part of the movie to keep us engaged until the very end.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s World and Characters!

What I learned from this assignment is to use my concept as a guide to create my characters. Brainstorming this turned out to be more fun and interesting than I anticipated.

Perfect Pitch

A reclusive security systems expert finds a young singing sensation hiding in his garden and offers her refuge from an abusive manager, unaware that his help includes evading detection from bounty hunters, government agents, and hired assassins in a nationwide search to find her.

1. What are the conventions of your story?

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: security systems expert
Dangerous Villain: someone high up on the power chain
High stakes: The villain must get the girl back at all costs.
Life and death situations: His minions will kill anyone who gets in their way
This story is thrilling because? We don’t know why the singing star is so important to the antagonist. How long can the protagonist continue to outwit the singer’s pursuers? Will he learn the identity of the man in charge and be able to expose his diabolical plan without killing him?

2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?

Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story? Why is the girl so important to those looking for her.
Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie? The many attempts from bounty hunters, covert government agents, and hired assassins to capture the girl and kill anyone who helps her.
Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script? He continues to protect the girl and outwit experts who hunt them down and will eliminate him on capture?

World: The underworld of of music stardom, abusive managers who hold their singers captive, control every aspect of their life, and exploit them for financial gain.

Top Characters:

Hero: Jacob Alden, A reclusive security systems expert who agrees to hide Jade.

Mystery: Why is he a recluse? What does he know about making it in the music world.
Intrigue: Underneath his mild demeanor, he fights like a Navy Seal.
Suspense: How long can he continue to outwit experts who hunt them down? Will he learn the identity of the man in charge and be able to expose his diabolical plan without killing him?

Villain: Howard (Howie) Biggens

Mystery: Why is the girl so important to him?
Intrigue: Who does Biggens answer to and what is his diabolical master plan?
Suspense: Will his minions be able to capture the girl alive and kill her protector.

Red Herring: Jade Evans, A child singing sensation turned bulimic pop star who escapes her abusive manager.

Mystery: Why did the ten year old singing sensation change her name and style? What caused her bulimia? What diabolical plan did Biggens want to use her for?
Intrigue: What horrible fate prompted her to escape and hide from the world?
Suspense: Will she survive the hunt without losing her life or face a fate worse than death.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Big M.I.S.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that it takes a lot of thought to create a thriller. Now that I’ve answered theses questions, I need to find answers to the new ones I created.

Perfect Pitch

A reclusive security systems expert finds a young singing sensation hiding in his garden and offers her refuge from an abusive manager, unaware that his help includes evading detection from bounty hunters, government agents, and hired assassins in a nationwide search to find her.

1. What are the conventions of your story?

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: security systems expert
Dangerous Villain: someone high up on the power chain
High stakes: The villain must get the girl back at all costs.
Life and death situations: His minions will kill anyone who gets in their way
This story is thrilling because? We don’t know why the singing star is so important to the antagonist. How long can the protagonist continue to outwit the singer’s pursuers? Will he learn the identity of the man in charge and be able to expose his diabolical plan without killing him?

2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?

Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story? Why is the girl so important to those looking for her?

Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie? The many attempts from bounty hunters, covert government agents, and hired assassins to capture the girl and kill anyone who helps her.

Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script? He continues to protect the girl and outwits experts who hunt them down and must be eliminated on capture in case he guessed the identity of Mr. Big and his diabolical master plan.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Tenet Thriller Conventions

What I learned from doing this assignment is how these conventions appeared in the movie and made each scene thrilling. I also learned that a script can start out great but go downhill when over done and confusing during the last half hour. The should have been shorter and better written. The interesting thing, thanks to Hal’s teaching, I think I could rewrite the ending to be more intriguing.

Tenet – written and directed by Christopher Nolan. Genre sci-fi action thriller.

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: The Protagonist (not named) We thought he had died when he took the cyanide pill but he was revived and recruited to Tenet because he was the only one who passed the test. The pill was a fake. His only instruction to find leads to the villain was the word Tenet. Set up: When caught by the attackers at the opera house, they pulled all his teeth to get him to talk. After he was revived, they told him that they did surgery and replaced his teeth when he was in a coma from the fake cyanide pill. Later in the movie we learn about the ability to go forward or backward in time.

Dangerous Villain: Sator with precognition skills, wants to start WW3 to end the world.

High stakes: The Protagonist must prevent Sator from ending the present world. During his search, he learns about time inversion.

Life and death situations: Starts with him taking a cyanide pill, but revived. He escapes death in several situations but because of inverse future realities manages to stay alive. He is saved by Neil who joins him in the search for Sator.

This movie is thrilling because? Because there are numerous setups, payoffs, mysteries, added intrigue not only in real time but also in the inverse realities from the future.

3. What is the BIG Mystery, Intrigue, and Suspense of this story?

Big Mystery: What is Tenet, time inversion? Who in the future is attacking the past? How? Why?
Big Intrigue: How does the time travel and inversions work? How to stop Sator who has the ability and army who can transcend the two realities of time inversion.
Big Suspense: Will the Protagonist be able to master time inversion to stop Sator. Will the Protagonist recover the Algorithm’s final piece to stop the end of the world?

4. Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great thriller? There was more action than dialog. The Protagonist faced many challenges in both realities of time inversion. They crashed a jumbo jet and revisited the event in time travel. Many Intriguing solutions and stunts, pincer movements, a Time Machine, and taking us into the world of time inversion. Using the palindrome of Tenet a symbols of time inversion that moves backwards and forwards. I liked that Priya was the brains behind her husband’s arms dealership and knowledgeable about the potential of time inversion. On the negative side, I found the movie overdone and confusing. Despite thought provoking on the aspect of time travel, I thought the backwards and forwards in time during the last thirty five minutes to be overdone and the inaudible dialog provided a confusing and boring ending.

[Rebecca Sukle]

I am Rebecca Sukle and have written. And completed and copyrighted three scripts with one still in progress. I hope this class will help me with my forth script, an idea I came up with in the Writing Incredible Movies class to craft and elevate it as a thriller. I always learn something new about scriptwriting with each class I take. This will be my ninth.

Something strange and wonderful about me is my interesting but quirky family history providing me with many “you can’t make this up” stories to inspire my writing.

[Rebecca Sukle]

I, Rebecca Sukle, agree to the terms of this release form.

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s 4 Pitches Draft 2

Query Letter:

H,

The funny thing about destiny, it gets even and bites hard.

RAGMAN’S WAR is an action/drama based on a true family story comparable to the Grapes of Wrath, but in the 1927 captive coal patches owned by the giant steel companies. It tells of a reluctant World War One hero forced to kill again to save the lives of his town’s citizens.

How do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges an carry all the guns?

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

I am the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War. I have appeared on radio, television, and newspapers to share my unique knowledge of early Twentieth Century labor history.

Thank you,

Rebecca Sukle

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

I am looking to exchange feedback. Thank you.

Rebecca’s 4 Pitches – Draft 1

Elevator Pitch:

I’m finishing up action/drama movie inspired by a true family story about a significant coal strike, the violent events censored from history.

Pitch Fest:

Hi, I’m Rebecca Sukle, the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War.

I have an Action/Thriller titled RAGMAN’S WAR inspired by a true family story. (Light Pause) RAGMAN’S WAR tells of a reluctant war hero forced to kill again to save the lives of his town’s captive citizens, but how do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?

Phone Pitch:

Hi, I’m Rebecca Sukle, the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War. May I tell you about it in 30 seconds?

(If Answer is Yes) RAGMAN’S WAR is a thriller based on a true family story comparable to the Grapes of Wrath, but in the 1927 captive coal patches owned by the giant steel companies. RAGMAN’S WAR tells of a reluctant war hero forced to kill again to save the lives of his town’s citizens, but how do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?

Query Letter:

Title: Ragman’s War

Written by R. S. Sukle

Inspired by a true family story

Genre: Action/ Drama

The funny thing about destiny, it gets even and bites hard.

Ragman, a World War 1 sniper, sees his brother blown up and retaliates. He picks off sixteen enemy soldiers but lets the officer remain alive, a big mistake.

Ten years later, the officer, Bucholz, tracks down Ragman, now a mine mechanic, and sets up the ultimate revenge.

As Commander of the company coal and iron police that invade Ragman’s town, the rabid Bucholtz violently dominates the community and targets Ragman’s family.

Ragman’s wife convinces him that distance from the Commander is safer than vengeance until Bucholz forces him into a final confrontation.

How do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

I am the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War. I have appeared on radio, television, and newspapers to share my unique knowledge of early Twentieth Century labor history.

Thank you,

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Target Market

I learned from this assignment that I like the new features on IMDB Pro that make it a lot easier to glean needed information. I found that after the first 15 additions to the database, I could navigate it faster by putting in my genre and budget. I used my iPad to find the information and typed it into my iMac database. It took me less than 4 hours to do 55 entries. I will need to contact some via email, others by snail mail, and a lot by telephone. I was surprised that several of the movies listed three genres. I renewed my old membership for a year because I have three other scripts to market after this one. Thank you for the video, Hal. It helped a lot.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Phone Pitch

What I learned from this assignment is to that I needed to investigate acters and come up with an answer to how it would fit a movie company that makes action or thriller movies with a historic setting. The popularity of Yellowstone and its prequels might provide the right timing.

Lead with Credibility:

Hi, I’m Rebecca Sukle, the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War. May I tell you about it in 30 seconds?

If Answer is Yes:

RAGMAN’S WAR is a thriller based on a true family story comparable to the Grapes of Wrath, but in the 1927 captive mine patches owned by the giant steel companies.

Ragman, a reluctant war hero, is forced to kill again to save the lives of his townfolk, but how do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns.

Budget Range: I would guess the budget to be between low and mid range. You’re the expert and would know better than me after you read the script.

Main Roles: I see Ragman played by man with Eastern European looks, someone like Scott Eastwood and Bucholz by a German actor like Jonas Nay.

There are 120 pages in the script.

No one else has seen the script yet.

This fits your company because it deals with contemporary issues despite happening in 1927.

The movie ends with the crowd pushing Ragman too far away to use a knife to kill Bucholz. Instead, he throws a rock, hits the Commander’s back and startles him to shoot and miss his target but almost hitting the machine gunner. The horse startles, dumps Bucholtz and batters him with his hooves. Fate saves Ragman from murder but keeps Bucholz from his wish to have Ragman kill him.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Pitch Fest Pitch

This assignment taught me how a Pitch Fest works and how to organize all the pitches needed should I ever attend one. Keeping things simple makes remembering, practicing, and professionally delivering the pitch easier.

Hi, I’m Rebecca Sukle, a novelist and expert on the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike censored from history. Today, I have a Thriller titled RAGMAN’S WAR based on my novel MINER INJUSTICE. (Light Pause) Inspired by a true story, RAGMAN’S WAR tells of a reluctant hero forced to kill again to save the lives of his town’s captive citizens, but how do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?

OTHER INFORMATION:

Budget Range: Low, $500K to $5 million.

Suggested Lead Actors:

Ragman: Scott Eastwood

Bucholz: Jonas Nay

Ludie: Zoey Deutch

Albert: Montana Jordan

Story Acts:

The story begins on a 1917 battlefield in France when an American sniper picks off 16 enemy soldiers but lets the 17th man, the German officer, live. Ten Years later, the officer, Bucholz, tracks down the sniper, Ragman, and sets up the ultimate revenge. As Commander of the company Coal and Iron Police that invade Ragman’s town, the rabid Bucholtz violently dominates the community and targets Ragman’s family.

Ragman struggles to control his anger after Bucholz whips his brother to a pulp for building barracks. After he saves his brother from death, Ragman promises to finish the project and is drawn into a war he does not want part of.

Ragman, raging after his carpenter brother dies from a second beating, confronts Bucholz. With six police pointing their guns at Ragman, the Commander reveals his identity and asks Ragman to finish the job and kill him. Ragman refuses; Bucholz bites off his earlobe. The township constable saves Ragman’s life by arresting him.

Ragman’s wife convinces him that distance from the Commander is safer than vengeance until Bucholz forces him into a final confrontation. The funny thing about destiny, it gets even and bites hard.

How It Ends:

Bucholtz rides in on his faithful steed, his gun aimed at the protest leader, the shot a signal to the machine gunner to open fire. Fate intervenes and prevents Ragman from getting close enough to use a knife. He improvises, throws a rock, misses his target to hit Bucholz between the shoulder blades, the gun goes off, and the horse saves the day.

Credibility:

Based on a family story, I started to research the 1927 strike to substantiate the incidents told to me about those unbelievable times. When I found the strike absent from the history books, I conducted numerous interviews, culled through newspaper archives, family letters, and boxes of United Mine Workers papers stored at IUP. My novels, MINER INJUSTICE and BLOOD ON THE CONSTITUTION, were the first books to document the events of the strike. I appeared on radio, television, and in newspapers to share my unique knowledge of labor history.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Query Letter

What I learned from this assignment is that it wasn’t as hard as I expected because of all the previous lessons. I struggled with the Bio as I don’t have much of a screenwriting resume but I am an expert on the history of the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike due to being the first to research it.

Dear ,

Ragman’s War is an action/drama inspired by a true family story.

How do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?

A World War One sniper, Ragman, sees his brother blown up and retaliates. He picks off sixteen enemy soldiers but lets the officer remain alive, a big mistake.

Ten years later, the officer, Bucholz, tracks down Ragman, now a mine mechanic, and sets up the ultimate revenge. As Commander of the Coal and Iron Police that invade Ragman’s town, the rabid Bucholtz violently dominates the community and targets Ragman’s family.

Ragman’s wife convinces him that distance from the Commander is safer than vengeance until Bucholz forces him into a final confrontation. The funny thing about destiny, it gets even and bites hard.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

I am the first writer to investigate the 1927 Pennsylvania Coal Strike, the violent events censored from history until exposed by my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War. I have appeared on radio, television, and newspapers to share my unique knowledge of early Twentieth Century labor history.

Thank you,

Rebecca (R.S.) Sukle

(Contact Information)

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s High Concept/Elevator PItch.

I learned from this assignment how something really hard for me became simplified by using the techniques in this class. Who knew? Thank you, Cheryl and Hal.

High Concept: How do you save your townsfolk from a massacre when only the bad guys wear the badges and carry all the guns?

Elevator Pitch: I’m finishing up a True story that reveals the despicable actions of the giant steel companies against their coal miners during a strike censored from history, yet, one that inspired legislation allowing labor unions the right to organize.

Elevator Pitch 2: I’ve just finished a true story that reveals a shameful piece of labor history comparable to The Grapes of Wrath but in the 1927 coalfields around Pittsburgh, an event censored from history.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Synopsis Hooks

What I learned from doing this assignment is that through Cheryl’s great example I am starting to understand about hooks. Creating and using the MOD and MIT sheets provides a great method to narrow things down to the most intriguing elements. Slow but sure, enlightenment penetrates my brain with each exercise. Than you Cheryl and Hal.

1: Information comes from MOD (based on a true story) and (unique)MOD (based on a strike censored from history)

2: From MIT – Destiny refers to the outcome of Ragman’s big mistake.

3. From MIT (Bucholz tracks down the sniper) and refers to the ultimate outcome, Bucholtz’s destiny.

4. From MOD (Constitutional abuses) and MIT(coal and iron police abuses)

5. MIT ( Confrontation of Bucholz by Ragman) MOD (conflict between elected and company appointed officials)

6. MIT (Trooper informing Ragman about Bucholz’s planned massacre)

7. NOTE: from MIT that points to the role of destiny.

Title: Ragman’s War

Written by R. S. Sukle

Genre: Action/ Drama

Inspired by a true story and based on the novel Bucket of Blood, the Ragman’s War by R. S. Sukle

The funny thing about destiny, it gets even and bites hard.

Ragman, a World War 1 sniper, sees his brother blown up and retaliates. He picks off sixteen enemy soldiers but lets the officer remain alive, a big mistake.

Ten years later, the officer, Bucholz, tracks down Ragman, now a mine mechanic, and sets up the ultimate revenge. As commander of the company coal and iron police that invade Ragman’s town, the rabid Bucholtz violently dominates the community and targets Ragman’s family.

Ragman’s wife convinces him that distance from the Commander is safer than vengeance…until…Bucholz forces him into a final confrontation.

How do you fight the bad guys when they wear the badges and carry all the guns?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s 10 Most Interesting Things

What I learned from this assignment is that after answering all the thought probing questions, I found it difficult to narrow it down to the 10 most important things, not in my eyes, but what a producer might look for.

Ten Most Interesting Things About Ragman’s War

1. Ragman’s War reveals a shameful piece of labor history comparable to the Grapes of Wrath but in the 1927 western Pennsylvania coalfields, an event censored from the history books. <div>

2. It is based on my novel Bucket of Blood the Ragman’s War, the first book to chronicle the events of this strike.

3. A Senate investigation into the abusive conditions of the strike and the atrocities committed by the coal and iron police, prompted the first draft of legislation that allowed labor the right to organize. First proposed in 1928, it later passed as the National Labor Relations Act (1935).

4 .With dialogue and scenes, Ragman’s War enters the stressful family lives of the miners and their wives.

5. It highlights the negative effects of World War 1 on the minds of soldiers who fought on both sides of the conflict.

6. An American sniper sees his brother blown up and seeks revenge. He picks off 16 enemy soldiers but lets the cowardly officer remain alive to live with his shame.

7.Ten years later, the villain, Bucholz, tracts down the hero, Ragman, and sets up the ultimate revenge.

8. Ragman, raging after his brother’s death, confronts Bucholz, Commander of the coal and iron police. The Commander reveals his identity and asks for death by Ragman’s hand. He refuses. The township constable saves Ragman’s life by arresting him.

9. Ragman decides that distance from the Bucholz is safer than revenge. When one of Bucholz’s troopers informs him about a planned massacre of the mine families at a upcoming protest, Ragman accepts the challenge to silently kill Bucholz to save the lives of others.

10. Bucholtz rides in on his faithful steed, his gun aimed at the protest leader. Fate intervenes, prevents Ragman from getting close enough to use a knife. He improvises, throws a rock, misses his target, a gun goes off, and the horse saves the day.

</div>

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca meets producer/manager.

What I learned from this assighment is that in addition to a great concept and wellwritten script, I need to act like a confident but cooperative professional despite being a novice in the industry.

1. How will you present yourself and your project to the producer? I will presentl myself as a prepared professional by researching the producer and perfecting and practicing my pitches and query letters. I will not dwell on exposition of the story. Insead, I will present reasons that might interest them in my project. Less is more. If they respond to my requested script with notes, I will be prompt and cooperative to accomodate their suggested changes and rewrites. I will learn from them.

2. How will you present yourself and your project to a manager? I will acknowlege that although I’m the creator of the project, they are the experts as to what sells, the business of selling, and show that I trust their expertise to help me grow ask a screenwriter. If they ask what else I’ve got, I will be prepared to choose from two other completed scripts and other perfected concepts in my files.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Marketable Components

Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring mine families working on a picket line, a WWI Citation Star recipient, must control his anger to execute, without detection, the rabid police commander who violently dominates their community and targets his family. Too bad he’s done with war, conflict, and killing.

What I learned from this assignment is that brainstorming can take many hours to complete. Although my script could fit 7 out of the 10 components, I need to come up with a better title. I’m undecided about the historic event being timely, but certain aspects of industrial serfdom could be true today. The same might be said about Industrial control and government censorship of news by political officials in the pocket of the corporate giants. Whenever people or organizations get too big or powerful, they often forget those that they represent.

My Main Components of Marketability:

Unique: The story takes place during a significant strike censored from history, yet, inspired the first draft of legislation to allow labor to organize and later passed as the Wagner Act in 1933.

True: Based on true events and real people in my family.

A First: It is based on my novel BUCKET OF BLOOD THE RAGMAN’S WAR, the first book to chronicle the events of the 1927-1928 Coal Strike.

Similar To: Grapes of Wrath and Matewan.

Great Role for a Bankable Actor: Complex Protagonist

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Project and Market

Genre: Historic Thriller based on a true story.
Title: Ragman’s War
Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring mine families working on a picket line, a WWI Citation Star recipient, must control his anger to execute, without detection, the rabid police commander who violently dominates their community and targets his family. Too bad he’s done with war, conflict, and killing. <div>

Story Attraction: Ragman’s War shows the psychological aftereffects of the Great War set to the background of brutal measures taken by Republic Steel to break a strike by their non-union workers who join a United Mine Workers called walkout. It enters the stressful lives of the mine families as it chronicles the constitutional abuses by company Coal and Iron Police, the resilience of the people, and offers glimmers of hope when help arrives in the form of three brothers who build shelters and a Red organization that provides food and clothing when the promised relief from the Union fails to arrive.

First Target: Contests, and if successful, producers and an actor’s production company. Managers want a screen writer with a proven track record. Shane Black because Curtisville, a town in my screenplay, is the town his mother grew up in and the world his grandparents faced.

What I learned: Today, I learned that it takes almost as much effort to market a script as to write it. If I follow the steps provided in these lessons that teach the process, I increase my chances for a script request. I also learned that all of the steps from concept, to script, rewrites, marketing materials, and targeting those needed to get the movie made, are equally important and deserve the same effort.

</div>

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca is a Proofreading Star!

I learned from this assignment that I will never get my script perfect. My mind will always look for ways to make it better. I also learned that using both Process A and B helped me see what needed correction and improvement.

Reading the script aloud helped with word flow, especially with dialog and finding punctuation errors. Double letters, words, and lines that didn’t flow right. In process B, reading the script backward helped me find the minor mistakes I overlooked when reading it aloud.

A lot of minor errors add up in a 120-page script. Correcting those that stand out and those less obvious helped to improve my writing.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Wordsmithing!

Vision: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is that small changes can do a lot. Getting rid of repetitious words and replacing generic passive verbs with a more approptiate one can increase reading pace.

Approx. Number of Changes

3-A – 21 changes. I took out most used in description and action but retained some used in dialog so not to change the character’s speech patterns.

3-B – 18 changes

3-C – 11

3-D – 5 Again, I left the ones used in dialog

4-E – So many I lost count because I concentrated on how to better word usage to eliminate the orphans. I eliminated most of them in the descriptions and action. I retained several that were used in dialog.

I can’t remember any three that I felt good about as there were so many in the script.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Has Tested Every Line!

What I learned doing this assignment is that because of my experience in Binge Worthy and Action classes, I’m more efficient in weeding out redundant and useless lines. As I tested each line in my present version, I still found sentences or words to eliminate. This allowed white space instead of long blocks of text. All the small changes added up to three pages, and my script pared from 124 to120 pages plus a few lines.

Yes, I can see improvement in my script and it now reads faster.

Before: Ludie walks through coop searching for an old hen. She selects one, grabs it by the feet, and loops twine it around the legs. She hangs it upside down, wraps the twine and stick around a bar setting between two trees. The chicken flaps and squawks. Reisa’s eyes go wide with fear and sympathy for the bird.

After: Ludie searches the chickens, grabs an old hen, loops twine around its legs, and hangs it upside down. The chicken flaps and squawks. Reisa looks away.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Suzanne Has Amazing Dialogue

Vision: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is that I needed to improve so many lines of dialog. Using the Skill Mastery Sheet helped me with brain storming and crafting new lines that fit the story. Some only needed minor changes to be more effective.

I have changed or tweaked 53 line thus far and still have have Act 4 to finish.

Before: COWARD. That’s what happens to cowards. Only a coward would mess himself.

After: Coward, die in your mess. Only a weakling would shit their pants.

Before: I think you’ll find I’m not a pacifist like my brother, or a bully like you. I like a FAIR fight.

After: I’m not a pacifist like my brother or a bully boy like you; but, an unfair fight galls me, compels me to even the odds.

Before: Is this the best the union can do for its people? Hell, farm pigs live better. If God exists, how could he let this happen?

After: Is this the best the union can do for its people? Hell, farm pigs live better. If God exists, how could he let this happen? Is this the freedom I fought for, my brother died to protect, for our people to be held captive and enslaved in the mines?

Before: You escaped death once.

You barely escaped death last time, yet learned nothing.

Before: NO!

After: NO! It’s against my beliefs.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Has Incredible Monologues

VISION: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that including these components in a monologue can increase depth of character and add emotion to the scene.

RAGMAN’S MONOLOGUE?

Ragman attends the funeral of his former neighbor Rosalie Gentile two months after the death of her husband.

RAGMAN

It’s hard to lose good people like Rosalie and Tony. Poor Anthony, losing both parents less than two months apart. It was kind of you to help build the coffins and loaning the burial lots.

STAN

Tony and Rosalie were good neighbors, especially after my wife died. My two youngest won’t need the lots for a long time if ever.

Silence. Ragman looks from Anthony to the two fresh graves, anger growing.

RAGMAN

Is this the best the union can do for its people? Hell, farm pigs live better. If God exists, how could he let this happen? The same with war, is this what Paul and I fought for? The army drafted my brother. I only signed up to look after his sorry ass, but watched him fly through the air when a shell exploded. I held his legless body in my arms and left him not knowing if he lived or died. He survived but wished for death, cursed God for his suffering and died from syphilis. I experienced the horrors of war, the mutiliated bodies, dead horses, and the stentch of death. I’m haunted by the men I killed, the unsuspecting victims of my sniper’s scope. This strike offers many of the same abominations. Yes, the priest said his blessings, and all the good Catholics on cue performed the holy bologna rituals; yet, the joke’s on them. Heaven doesn’t exist. Shit, the joke’s on the whole damn world. This is all there is.

BUCHOLZ MONOLOGUE

Republic Steel higher ups call Bucholz to their headquaters office for questiong.

A short, BALD MAN in a brown tweed suit with an ill-fitting jacket stretched across his midsection, motions for Bucholz to approach the table. Bucholz stretches up to his full height, steps forward directly in front of the men.

BALD MAN

Mr. BUCHOLZ!

He glances at the paper in his hand.

Bald man

It says here that you’ve been in the Russellton coalfields since September.

BUCHOLZ

That is correct.

BALD MAN

Now, when we hired you away from Baldwin-Felts, we paid you top dollar to work for us. We based that on your reputation with breaking towns in West Virginia. You assured us that the strike in Russellton wouldn’t last long, especially if the families had to move into tents with winter coming.

BUCHOLZ

I did.

BALD MAN

Why did the strikers get to move into finished barracks? How did stoves, blankets, and food show up at the Russellton camps? WHAT WENT WRONG?

BUCHOLZ

I followed procedures that worked before, both in West Virginia and the war. I took out the leader, the man in charge of construction. He was beaten and left for dead, his attacker not identified. The construction came to a standstill. Outsiders, brothers of the carpenter, backed by the union, intervened and took over the project. The barracks were crudely constructed, no provisions for heat, water, or latrines. The roofs leaked and large gaps between the board siding let cold air push through. The supplies came from Communists, the Pennsylvania and Ohio Relief. They came in groups escorted by elected officials and news reporters. My jurisdiction is limited to Republic Steel and Ford Collier property. A county road runs the length of the valley. You did not provide enough soldiers to patrol all areas.

Bucholz remains stiff as a statue. The men huddle close together to continue their deliberations, but purposely let him pick up bits of the conversation. Bucholz glares. The room quiets, all eyes on him.

MUSTACHE MAN

The drinking needs to stop. It impairs your performance. Yes, we have our informants. We want results. The company plans to resume operations soon, sent in agents to recruit among the strikers. We want the union to appear corrupt, make their members appear as outlaws. Burn down a few houses and blame it on the union strikers.

The other officials nod in agreement.

BALD MAN

Do the job we pay you for or we’ll find someone else who can.

BUCHOLZ

What do you know of the conditions in Russellton or what I accomplished? None of you have ever set foot in the village. We have burned houses, beaten men, provoked fights between union members, all without detection to us. The results of these actions allowed you to get more troops from Governor Fisher, troops paid for by the state of Pennsylvania, no cost to you. Could not afford to pay that many men? Yet, you accuse ME of not doing my job. Replace me if you want, that is your business. But, who will you find to do the violent work I’ve accomplished? The strike will end soon. I guarantee it, but only after you allow me to use any means, kill the trouble makers and organizers, so the rest fall in line. I will return to my duties as I await your permission. You know where to find me. Good Day.

Bucholz, steps forward, glares at each man, gives a mocking salute, executes a sharp military turn, and storms out of the room.

LUDIE’S MONOLOGUE:

Ludie takes action to stop her husbund from confronting Bucholz after learning about the death of his brother Ervin.

Anger rises in Ragman, comprehension replaces shock.

RAGMAN

Bucholz, he killed him, murdered my brother.

LUDIE

Anger won’t bring him back.

Ragman, full of hate and revenge, is beyond tears.

RAGMAN

I could strangle that sonofabitch with my bare hands. God damned yellow dogs, them too, an eye for an eye.

He grabs a knife displayed on the shelf beside his French medal. Ludie screams, grabs a cast iron frying pan.

Ludie

NO! PUT THAT DOWN, NOW.

She holds the skillet it in a threatening manner, races to the door, blocks it.

RAGMAN

Revenge Ludie, revenge. Get out of my way.

He glares. Her eyes blaze back, skillet ready to strike.

LUDIE

No, you back off or I’ll bash your head. Think of your family, me, and your sons. Is revenge worth killing Bucholz or him you? Think about the fall out. The boys and I need you here with us. How much deeper will your parent’s heartache be if they lose another son? Your mother is weak from the flu, Albert sick and helpless. Your father and uncle struggle to hold the farm together. Like it or not, we all depend on you. If you die or get sent to prison, who will protect us, care for us? You think Hubert would give up his job in Ohio? Kate leave her doctor husband and fancy life? Is revenge worth the seven other lives you destroy? Think about it.

Ragman bellows. Shoulders slumped, he returns the knife to the shelf, voice softens.

RAGMAN

You’re right, Ludie, make sense. Put down the skillet. I promise not to confront Bucholz.

She hugs him; he clings to her, his lifeline.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca is great at Subtext Pointers.

VISION: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that I found it challenging and hard. The examples in the lesson humbled me. Once empowered, I found several places that could use deeper subtext pointers. Finding the right words provided a challenge, but using these pointers made the dialog more interesting. Thank you, Hal.

Metaphor:

Before: Thank you.
After: I feel like a battle worn soldier who learns she is finally safe and going home.

2. Implication:

Before: I’m not a hero for killing men.

After: Any other time I’d be hung as a murderer.

3. Insinuation:

Before: Sometimes, I would like a week away too.

After: Sometimes, I too would like the luxury of a week away, but no, I stay and do what needs to be done.

4. Hint:

Before: The medics will be here soon.

After: Keep your head down and don’t move until the medics get here.

5. Sarcasm:

Before: Ben, “Let them go. Take me instead.” Bucholtz laughs.

After – added dialog: Bucholz, “You would like that wouldn’t you? Have one of us TAKE you.”

6. Allusion with a touch of sarcasm:

Before: When we were seated at the church, your cousin Fritzi told me to sit elsewhere because I wasn’t family.

After: When we were seated at the church, your cousin Fritzi kindly directed me to the proper pew behind her family, a gracious reminder of my place.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Loves Covering Subtext!

VISION: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment reinforced what I in earlier lesson. It suiprized me to see how much subtext was in the script. As I went through it, I did find a few scenes that could benefit from subtext, so I added it using: 1. Person doesn’t answer when they should, 2. Change the subject, 3. Say something that sends thir mind in a different direction. Checked all the way from beginning to end of script.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Loves Anticipatory Dialogue

VISION: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assigment is that I found anticipatory dialogue in most of the scenes. After all the lessons on writing this script, I learned that if I followed the process thus far, that anticipatory dialogue would be there. This lesson allowed me to add it to the few lacking scenes. Interesting how this all works together.

I found a place in scene 8 that needed this, so I added one.

Direct prediction:

LUDIE I fear this strike will change all our lives. It’s already disrupted mine. I shared this duplex with my family for all of my married life. Tomorrow we move to his parent’s farm.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Attack/ Counterattack Dialogue

VISION: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned is that despite the big improvement with my previous version, it is not near as good as the examples used in this lesson. I still need to do more brainstorming work on my attack/counterattack dialogue.

FLASHBACK

Ragman, almost eighteen, fishes in a creek downhill from a gushing spring. He, concentrates on hooking an elusive fish. Ludie, thirteen, still at that awkward stage between girl and woman, carries two pails…slips up the trail behind him.

LUDIE

(Polish accented English) What bait you use?

Startled, he yanks the pole, looses the catch. He turns to see who interrupted his solitude.

RAGMAN

You scared off my fish.

He notices the small girl, gangly arms, curly hair in a braid, nose too large for her face, and striking green eyes.

RAGMAN

Don’t you know not to talk when a man’s fishing?

LUDIE

You catch fish?

She peers into his catch bucket.

LUDIE

Not many.

She smiles.

RAGMAN

I threw the littler ones away. Didn’t want to crowd the pail.

She laughs, picks up a stick, and runs it under some rotten leaves below a low bush. She picks up a grub worm…holds it up in her palm…offers it to him.

LUDIE

Dese fish like dis bait.

Ragman accepts the offering.

RAGMAN

What makes you know so much? If you were a fish, I’d throw you back for being so little.

Ludie chuckles and shrugs her shoulders.

LUDIE

Too bad, den you lose best catch of day.

After a quick curtsey, she moves towards her pails.

RAGMAN

Now wait a dog-gone minute. If you’re so smart, come back here and show me.

Ludie sits beside him; he hands her his pole and the grub. She baits the hook.

RAGMAN

What’s your name?

LUDIE

Ludie Waloski.

RAGMAN

I know your father, Stan at the mine.

The line barely dips in the water when Ludie pulls out a fish. She unhooks it, drops into bucket beside the ones he caught.

LUDIE

Your poor fish look small now, yes?

She hands back the pole.

LUDIE

Now that I learn you how to catch fish, I go home.

She picks up her full buckets, walks straight considering the heavy load she carries, and heads down the path.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Dialog Structure

VISION: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is the difference this these structures made in the scene. After brainstorming, I completely rewrote the scenes by changing locations, adding actions to express contrast, and tweaking dialog to match. The essence of the scenes remained the same, but more interesting and exciting. Unbelievable transformation! Thank you Hal.

SETUP/MAJOR TWIST:

Ragman closes the door to the den. He and Anthony pour over the papers.

RAGMAN

Bucholz plans to shut down the union movement in Russellton, permanently. Kill the leader and the rest will fall. I got my own opinion yet humbled to ask yours. What do you think, and how do we stop it?

Anthony’s jaw sets.

ANTHONY

Since law enforcement won’t help, it’s up to us. Even if Bucholz shoots and misses, the hired gunner will still open fire and mow down Albert and the others, including Bucholz. We need to kill him first, close range before he can shoot, silent but deadly. I can do that.

Shocking revelation from a college boy.

RAGMAN

I don’t want Albert there. He’s not fully recovered and is too weak. You lead the protest march to throw Bucholz off guard. I’ll do the rest.

Ragman retrieves the knife from the fireplace mantel. He hands it to Anthony, who, puzzled, examines it.

RAGMAN

It saved my life during the war. It will save lives again when I put the evil Commander out of his misery. The deaths of sixteen men already weigh on my soul. You don’t need one on yours.

ANTHONY

Can you channel your battle fatigue to be cunning and cold enough to pull it off without detection?

RAGMAN

I can. The night he bit off my ear, he goaded me into killing him; I resisted. This is my WAR, Anthony, my unfinished business.

Ragman remains calm and determined. Anthony convinced.

ANTHONY

I’ll return in a few hours. We can talk more then.

OPPOSITE MEANINGS IN DIALOG:

EXT. CHICKEN COOP – DAY

Ludie finds twine and a hanging stick on the fence. She takes the knife from Reisa and cuts a length of twine, loops it, and ties one end around the stick. She lays out a tarp.

LUDIE

You told papa that you are a woman now. There’s more involved than attraction to a boy. Time for you to learn the whole process. Pay attention.

Ludie walks through the chickens, grabs a young hen by the feet, loops it around into a tie, and hangs it upside down from a bar setting between two trees. The chicken flaps and squawks. Reisa’s eyes go wide.

REISA

Papa always did this part after Mama died.

LUDIE

But this is woman’s work.

Ludie pulls the neck tight. Reisa squishes her face.

REISA

I can’t do it. Let me watch this time.

She hands Ludie the knife. One quick slice, Ludie jumps back, drops the head to the ground, the headless chicken flaps its wings and spatters blood.

LUDIE

While the chicken bleeds out, we go to the kitchen and boil water.

SUBTEXT DRIVES THE MEANING 1:

Int. kitchen – later

The women drink tea as the wait for the bucket of water to boil. Ludie studies her sister.

REISA

What?

LUDIE

I swear you get prettier every day. You have a glow about you.

Ludie adds milk to the tea, stirs it slow.

REISA

Thank you. I’m pretty happy. I’ve been helping Mrs. Baron candle the eggs and grade them. She’s showing me how to milk the cows and churn butter.

Reisa places a slice of coffee cake in front of Ludie, joins her at the table.

REISA

I baked it this morning.

LUDIE

I didn’t know you knew how to work an oven.

Ludie eats a bite of cake.

LUDIE

This is good. I’m proud of you.

REISA

My cooking is better too. With Ben gone I had to keep Papa and me from starving. Now, he wants chicken.

LUDIE

You used to detest cooking and housework. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were in love.

Reisa giggles.

REISA

I am in love! He’s wonderful! He loves me too. In spite of everything, he loves me.

Ludie smiles as her sister refills the teapot and notices her showing more than being in love. A baby bump? Reisa returns to the table.

LUDIE

Water’s boiling. Let’s carry it outside.

SUBTEXT DRIVES THE MEANING 2:

EXT. CHICKEN COOP – later

Ludie, donning rubber gloves, grabs the dead chicken by the feet and dunks the body into the boiling water and rehangs it. She pulls off feathers. Reisa, also gloved, watches.

LUDIE

Your turn. Now, tell me about your crush. Who is he? Where did you meet him?

Reisa pulls off feathers, dropping them on the tarp.

REISA

That’s the hard part. Promise you won’t judge. Just be happy for me.

LUDIE

Why do you ask that? Pull the feathers faster.

Fear replaces the smile on Reisa’s face, as her hands move quick grabbing the feathers.

REISA

You’ll recognize him when you see him. He was at that, that day.

An icy chill stabs Ludie’s heart; her face drains of color.

LUDIE

Oh, Reisa!

She stares wide eyed at her sister, slumps against the coop shed, struggles to push back the encroaching dark. She takes several rapid breaths and regains control.

REISA

Ludie you look sick.

LUDIE

I’m fine. Tell me about it.

REISA

His name is Bernard Smitt. His family rents a farm outside of New Castle. He has seven brothers and three sisters. He only took the job with the Coal and Iron Police to help his family. He wants to quit.

Angry tears spill from Ludie’s eyes. Reisa pauses her work.

LUDIE

How could you? How could you fall in love with the man who raped you, stole your innocence.

REISA

Bernie didn’t touch me. I swear. He jumped up and down on the bed, yelled at me, but didn’t touch me. He told me to scream, so I did. I sensed he was as scared as I was. Herr Bucholz would beat him if he didn’t follow orders.

Reisa pauses to catch her breath, pulls the remaining feathers.

LUDIE

And?

REISA

I begged Bernie to save you. I tried to run downstairs but he grabbed me. He said the commander would kill us both, held me tight until I settled down, apologized. He hates Bucholz, what he orders him to do and warned me that Bucholz would kill us both if I told, told…

Tears stream down her face.

REISA

Ludie, can you ever forgive me?

Ludie holds her sister’s hand, sighs.

LUDIE

Oh, Reisa! Of course I forgive you. But, what are you doing with this boy, the enemy? Let’s take the bird inside.

DEEPER LAYER OPPOSES DIALOG/MAJOR TWIST:

INT. KITCHEN – LATER

Ludie shows her sister how to singe off the down over the open flame of the stove. They both sit at the table and pull out pin feathers.

REISA

Bernie’s a good person but afraid of Bucholz and fears what might happen if he leaves or anyone finds out about us.

Ludie shakes her head in disbelief.

LUDIE

How did you ever get into such a mess? Does Papa know you’ve been seeing a yellow dog.

Reisa bites her lip, looks down.

REISA

There’s more. I’m going to have a baby. Connie said he’d marry me, but…

LUDIE

That’s the way it is. They say they love you…but don’t think about making babies when they’re rollin you in the hay. You call that a good man?

Ludie shivers with disgust.

REISA

It’s not his, not his baby.

LUDIE

Oh…my…God! I didn’t think you were like that. Who’s the father?

Reisa shudders.

REISA

It happened a couple of weeks before the evictions. He entered the house unannounced when I was alone. Locked the door, pushed me into the kitchen.

Ludie’s eyes go wide with fear about where this might go.

REISA

I tried to pull away but he spun me around. The look in his eyes…I froze…he’s a BIG man, strong.

Reisa hides her face with the apron.

REISA

I didn’t fight him, just laid there. He kissed my body until I wanted more. He was gentle, afterwards held me. I’m so ashamed, I liked it.

Ludie, shocked, angry, grabs a knife, slits the bird, pulls out the intestines, tosses them on the table. Reisa turns away.

LUDIE

Oh, Reisa!

REISA

He warned that if I ever told, he would kill Papa and Ben. The look on his face showed he would do it. He returned a couple more times. I never told.

Ludie, angry tears, cuts out the the chicken’s heart and liver, throws them into a pot.

LUDIE

BUCHOLZ? You’re pregnant with that monster’s child?

REISA

Yes.

WHAM! Ludie chops off the neck , throws it on the pile of entrails, and sobs.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Elevated Dialog

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is it can be fun to use creativity change the passive generic lines into something more interesting and in character. Also, even the lines you consider good can be even better with a few dramatic changes.

I rewrote 14 dialogs for Ragman, Four for Albert, and six for Ludie. I still need to finish Bucholz.

Ragman favorites:

Not sure. If miners at the captive mines join Lewis’s strike, the big steel companies might consider it an act of war. I fought my war and done with conflict and killing.

2. Is this the best the union can do for its people? Hell, farm pigs live better. If God exists, how could he let this happen? Yes, the priest said his blessing and all the good Catholics went through all the holy baloney rituals on cue; but, joke’s on them. Shit, the joke’s on the whole damn world. This is all there is.

3. Where in hell is the God damned union. They’ve done shit since we’ve been to see Murray. It’s the union’s responsibility, not ours. Get the message, Al; Lewis called the strike, abandoned us, and broke his promise to provide food, shelter, and clothing. You can’t do their work for them.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Elevated Interest

Mission: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment that with a bit of creativity and using these techniques you can make a good scene even more captivating.

Scene 2: Created surprise and an external dilemma

Scene 3: Added an internal dilemma that will haunt the hero throughout the story.

Scene 8: Changed to more interesting setting for main character introduction.

Scene 14: Introduced the Antagonist through a mystery.

Scene 41: Key setup added.
Scene 44: Antagonist changes radically after triggered by an old wound.

Scene 46: Turning point one to a more dramatic setting.

Scene 56: Key setup, suspense, Intrigue.
Scene 68: Key payoff, protagonist internal delimma.
Scene

76: Added internal delimma to the reveal in this scene

89: A more interesting setting increased the drama of this pivitol scene with it’s shocking reveal.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Elevated Emotion

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned by doing this assignment is by using this technique I could up the emotional level in each pivitol scene to keep the audience engaged.

Scene 2: Willy moves the view of the scope to the lone remaining soldier…a GERMAN Lieutenant…marching eyes front…stops…waves his men forward…turns…sees the bodies spread out behind him. Asks the sniper to shoot him. How Intensified: A whole range of emotions show on his face—horror, fear, diappointment, self loathing, shame, despair, failure as an officer and a man, wants to die. He opens his arms in surrender…puffs out his chest. He asks the sniper to kill him, let him die with honor.

Scene 24 Essence: A trooper stands in the road…waves down the truck…Ragman stops. The trooper moves by Ragman’s window…holds out his hand, palm up. Asks to see their passes or get one issued to them. Ragman triggers; Ludie stops him.

Version A: Triggers a wound: Ragman fought a war, killed men, to protect civil rights.
Version B: Forced to do something that opposes his values: Forced to submit to a mandate against the US freedoms.
Version C: Raises the steaks that could hurt others: Ragman’s confrontation esculates, the trooper reaches for his gun. Ludie reminds Ragman his confrontation could get them killed and her family is in the truck.

Scene 39 Essence: Bucholz watches Ragman and Ludie through a spy glass and focuses on Ludie.

Version A: Triggers a wound: Ragman remembers the urge to kill when Ludie told him about Bucholz stalking her and his lustful gaze.

Version B: escalate the conflict: Ragman makes a threatening gesture to cut off Buchoz’s balls.

Version C: Ragman stuggles to control his urge to run up the hill, smash the spy glass, and smash Bucholz with it.

Scene 44: Ragman finds his unconcious brother and fears him dead, hears a heartbeat, and asks his companions to help put him in the truck to take him home.

Version A: Make it more painful: Ragman scans the body for gunshot wounds…turns him over …checks his back…struggles to hold in tears. The shredded shirt barely covers…the raw slices of flesh…the body resting in a mix…of blood, feces, and rain soaked earth. Ragman bellows.

Version B: Experiences distress: What to do to help his brother but keep him safe. Take him to the hospital will cause questions and revenge. Can’t report it to authorities because Bucholz is the law.

Version C: Struggles: Ragman struggles to control his anger so he decide the safest and best decision to get Ervin treatment but keep him safe from Bucholz. Decides to take him home.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Dramatic Reveals

Vision: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment was how increase the drama in vital scenes showing reveals. Once I wrote out the Demand and Reveals and thought about it. I could see they needed improvement. I noticed that information I used in character description needed to be revealed in the script. After a brainstorming, I figured a way to reveal it within the script, and do it more dramaticaly through action and dialog. I enjoyed this assignment. Thank you Hal.

IMPROVED WEAK REVEALS:

a. Demand – Fagan wants to know Ragman’s war story.

b. Reveal – Ragman killed a number of the Kaiser’s men and awarded a silver star.

c. Original – Ragman denies he’s a hero for killing men.

Dramatic improvement:

Fagan asks Ragman about his war experience that earned a silver star. Ragman replies that killing men doesn’t make him a hero but a killer. Fagan disagrees, mentions that the military awarded a Silver Star for protecting our troops by preventing the men he killed from murdering them. Ragman chugs down three shots in a row of Fagan’s whisky, thanks him for the drink, makes a quick exit.

Ragman’s Confrontation with Bucholz.

Demand: Bucholz’s vandetta against his family and him. Why?

Reveal 1: Bucholtz is the officer who Ragman did not kill in the war.

Reveal 2: Bucholtz’s obcession to have Ragman kill him.

Reveal 3: He tells Ragman about impregnating his wife and her killing the baby.

Original Drama. Bucholz states that he is the 17th man, the one Ragman refused to kill in the war.

Dramatic Improvement:

RAGMAN wants to know why Bucholz targeted him and his family for abuse.

Bucholz chastises Ragman for not killing him during the war. Asks him to finish the job. Ragman declines. Bucholz tells Ragman to ask his wife about the unborn baby she killed, his baby. Ragman rushes Bucholz, yanks away his whip, coils it around his neck, pulls tight as he pins him against a post. Bucholz whispers in Ragman’s ear, “kill me,” bites off his earlobe, and pulls a gun ready to shoot…until a shotgun goes off just past Bucholz and Rube Dembaugh moves in and arrests Ragman.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Loves Character Depth!

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned: I learned that by using these exercises, I could dig deeper into the character. First, I reread the script with changes made in Mod 6 to find out what each character was hiding (Tool 2). I found that this was the key to using Tool 1 and Tool 3. Appling what they feared most and what they were hiding from me provided ideas for triggers (Tool 3). I then applied these to the relevant storylines of Tool 1 to elevate the scenes. The biggest payoff was the breakthrough to create a new, more engaging ending to the story to replace the lackluster original.

Tool 2: I discovered what my characters hid from me.

1. RAGMAN hid his fear of the killer within himself, how easy it could be to kill again after the War.

2. BUCHOLZ hid that he wanted to die as a war hero. Ragman robbed him of that. He devised a plan to track down Ragman, make him suffer, and force him to finish the job.

3. LUDIE hid that the abortion left her sterile.

Tool 1:

1. RAGMAN falls apart after he tells Ludie that the horse killed Bucholz, not him. He confesses he would have killed Bucholz without remorse or fear of consequences if she hadn’t stopped him.

2. BUCHOLZ: Once I discovered his secret, I used that information to create a new ending for my script, one with a twist of irony. He made out a will after he seduced Reisa and raped Ludie, leaving his estate to any offspring he might have fathered by them, the amount surprising.

3. LUDIE’S confession to Ragman about the abortion and her coverup that she is now sterile elevated the original scene by adding emotion.

Tool 3:

Knowing their secrets allowed me to add previously unknown trigger factors to prompt additional reactions to elevate existing scenes with each character.

I also used these tools to elevate a few scenes featuring Ervin and Albert.

Thank you, Hal, for this lesson and my breakthroughs.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Script Exchange 1: Helpful suggestions and changes made.

Rebecca’s Script Exchange 2: Excellent helpful suggestions and major changes made. I learned to focus. My page count now reduced to proper size.

Gratitude to my feedback partners for their help.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Greetings,

I am ready to exchange feedback. Please message me if you are interested.`

Title: Ragman’s War

Genre: action/drama

Based on a true story

Concept: A haunted World War 1 Citation Star veteran, must, without detection, execute the rabid police commander who violently dominates their community to prevent the massacre of men, women, and children working a picket line.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Solved Scene Problems!

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is that by comparing the scene to the solution grid illuminated scenes that needed work. I also learned that the deeper I got into the script, the problem scenes stuck out as they ruined the flow of the story. The solution grid suggested ways to brainstorm a solution and doing that concern morphed into energy.

Uninteresting Scene: I either eliminated it, added conflict, or combined the information into a more interesting scene.

Situations don’t challenge characters: I replaced a supporting character with the protagonist, and the essence of the scene changed into a challenge for the characters changing an uninteresting scene into something more exciting.

Scenes that don’t advance the story: I eliminated the scenes. I needed to shorten the page count.

Scene accomplishes only one purpose: Added subtext, merged it with another scene, or added an element that delivered on character.

Exposition filled scenes: I superimposed dialog over action as a flashback, added conflict, or eliminated redundant dialog.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Cliche Busting!

What I learned from this assignment is that writing a screen play based on my historical novel inspired by true events and actual people, that truth sometimes can be stranger than fiction.

Pehaps I don’t watch enough movies, but I did not find cliche’s in my script.

Cliche??? A young union organizer, a college student, replaces Ragman’s brother at the rally and struggles to keep things peaceful. The police and company thugs goad the mine families, push against the picket line to break through the line of linked arms. The organizer fights to control his anger when an experienced miner starts to sing a union solidarity song. He is joined by another, and eventually all the picket line and the mine families. The singing helps them remain strong and peaceful despite the abuse.

Closest Cliche: That scene in the musical Les Mierabes just before the battle of the students at the barricade. Gavroche, the man standing at the top of the barricade begins to sing to prepare them for battle and the students and citizens join in.

Non-New Version: I wrote the scene for my book in 2003, nine years before the film of the musical came out in 2012. It takes place in a much later era in a Pennsylvania mining village, the union song written in 1915. I decided not to change it because of it’s importance to the story.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Solved Character Problems

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that comparing the problem list to my script, I found several areas that needed improvement. I also learned that this could be fun, and liked the results.

Problem 1: I needed to improve the physickal description of the main characters when first introduced into the script.

Solution: Used character profiles and actor attracter sheets for information in first introductions.

Problem 2: Scenes with little or no involvement with a lead character.

Solution: Cut unneeded scenes that interfere with story flow.Also, to shorten the script. Use a main lead in a scene instead of a supporting character unless that character is vital to that scene. If so, keep it short. I found that replacing a lessor character with the protagonist in one scene created more conflict and interest.

I went through the script and rewrote the problem sections. Looking forward to the next lesson.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Structure Solutions

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

I learned from this assignment that the answers to the structure questions helped point out the script’s weak and vital parts. Going through the index items pointed out the many areas where I strayed from the outline into areas that distracted away from the main characters and story.

Changes:

1. I added dialog and action to the inciting incident scene to give more depth.

2. My draft strayed from the outline in several places and used unnecessary exposition. To shorten the script’s page count, I eliminated those sections unrelated to the main characters and commentary that did not move the story forward or follow the outline and moved away from the concept.

3. The original ending seemed bland. By using the solution guide to brainstorm ideas, I was able to improve it.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Finished Act 4

I am posting this early because the hurricane to hit Florida will pass close to where I live and internet might be down for a few days.

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

I learned from this assignment that the lessons learned while writing Act Three propelled me through Act Four. I am now reading what I wrote and surprised at the quality thus far. I keep notepaper at my side as I read to note any story holes, need for clarity, and places to condense description into one or two sentences and eliminate all nonessential details. I am also reading the John Wick script for ideas in formating action.

How’s it going? I finished writing Act 4 in two sessions. Using the outline as a guide, I wrote the first draft in FIFTEEN days. AMAZING!

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Finished Act 4

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

I learned from this assignment that the lessons learned while writing Act Three propelled me through Act Four. The script is too long, but I can pare it down in the next draft. To write forward, don’t read backward.

How’s it going? I finished writing Act 4 in two sessions. Using the outline as a guide, I wrote the first draft in FIFTEEN days. AMAZING! I’m now reading through the first draft to spot problems and ways to reduce page count.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Started Act 4

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

I learned from this assignment that the lessons learned while writing Act Three propelled me through Act Four. The script is too long, but I can pare it down in the next draft. To write forward, don’t read backward.

How’s it going? I finished writing Act 4 in two sessions. Using the outline as a guide, I wrote the first draft in FIFTEEN days. AMAZING!\

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Finished Act 3.

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

I learned from this assignment that to keep writing forward, do not read backward. Let the words flow for this draft and save trimming pages and everything else for future drafts to avoid interfering with the creative flow.

How’s it going? I completed Act 3 several days ago but decided to apply the lessons learned to write Act 4. I finished Act 4 last night. I am amazed at the results of the speed writing technique and myself. I wrote the entire first draft in 15 days, something I would think impossible two weeks ago. The more I wrote, the easier it got. Thank you, Hal and Cheryl.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Continuing Act 3

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is not to read anything written in the previous session because it distracts you from writing forward. You will want to make corrections or changes that can wait until the next draft. It also opens the door for self-doubt to slip in, the inner critic.

How it’s going: I became driven to finish Act 3 the more I became involved in the story. Whenever I felt compelled to read earlier scenes, I reminded myself that it could wait until the next draft not to ruin my forward momentum. I am now one day into writing Act 4 and excited about the progress I made.

I look forward to my session tomorrow.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Began Act 3

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that once I started writing on Act 3, it was hard to quit. I wanted to stay in that world. Two marathon sessions later, I finished the act.

How it’s going: I found that the deeper I got into Act 3, the harder it was to quit writing once I started. Today I finished Act 3 and moving on to Act 4. I’m amazed at how fast time flew when I began to write and got immersed in the story. Some scenes ended up different than I expected, and I may need to make sequencing changes in the next draft.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Completed Act 2 (almost a week ago)

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is that I could complete Act 2 in 4 days from start to finish using this technique.

The more I got into Act 2 the easier the writing became. Sometimes my fingers typed quicker than my keyboard. (Lesson learned – reset keyboard sensitivity.) I am now a few pages from completing Act 3 which is a bit longer than Act 2.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Continuing Act 2

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment of speed writing is that by using the outline, after a few sessions, I was able to write without fear because I can fix things in future drafts.

How it is going: I love this method as I get immersed in the story and want to keep on writing. Even when I stop my mind keeps throwing out ideas. I finished Act 2 almost a week ago and now two thirds of the way through Act 3 and enjoying every scene. Thank you Hal and Cheryl.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Began Act 2 ( Actually Act 3)

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is that using a timer can be used as a tool if you get stuck or let self doubt creep in. The outline sets up the scene. Racing the timer allows no time for anything except the writing.

I found my experience with the timer to be an interesting experience. With the outline as my guide for the scene, the timer kept me focused on the writing. The noise of the alarm jarred me out of the moment and slowed my process. I didn’t use it for the following scenes because the words poured onto the page.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Finished Act 1 (also Act 2)

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is just stick with the outline. Remind yourself that you can fix problems and scene sequencing in a later draft. I also learned to make notes on my printed outline when a new idea popped up during the writing and where. It didn’t slow me and I can reference the document in a later draft.

Today went real well. Determined to finish Act 2, I sat down and wrote for hours immersed in the story. The word flowed off my finger tips onto the keyboard until nine pages I later, I reached the end of the act. I am now eager to tackle Act 3.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Next Act, Act 2 Scenes 1 – 4.

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned is that despite my best efforts to focus, a perceived problem quickly threw me off course, allowed the inner critique emerge, and slowed down progress. I also discovered that a few deeps breaths and a quick empowerment reminded me that I am in control if I stick to the rule of drafts. Thank you Hal for sharing these tools.

After finishing Act 1 in three writing sessions I started in on Act 2 but with hesitation. Should I leave Act 1 with a cliff hanger or wait and insert the beginning of Act 2 into Act 1 to keep with the outline. Self-doubt crept into my writing. I did a quick empowerment and reminded myself that I can solve that problem in the next draft. I finished 5 pages that day and 3 the next.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s High Speed Writing Rules

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

Writing went well by using the speed writing rules. Using the outline as a guide, the action, and dialog came easy.

What I learned from doing this is just let the words flow as I can correct story problems in the next draft.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Act 1 First Draft Part 1

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

I learned from this assignment that I could write 23 additional pages to complete ACT 1 in two days. What I thought was impossible became possible because I could focus on the outline with no worries because I could change things in a future draft.

My experience with using the high-speed writing rules is that I could silence my inner critic and flow through my outline for Act 1 as I added slug lines, description, action, and dialog. Lessons 1 and 2 (8 pages total) were a warmup for the lesson 3 challenge of completing Act 1 in two days. I wrote straight through without a pause as the words flowed onto the page. Often my keyboard had a hard time keeping up with my fingers. That was the only time I stopped, took a deep breath to slow down my brain, and corrected the gibberish created by my fingers on the wrong keys. Sticking to the outline in draft one kept me focused, knowing I could add or subtract scenes in a future draft.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s First Scene

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

I learned from this assignment that using the contents in my outline as a guide made it easy to write the scene and add dialog and action. Anything not evident in the original became apparent with the addition of sparse dialogue.

This process worked extremely well and the scene pratically wrote itself. Thank you, Hal.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Fascinating Scenes

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment was that by making a few changes using this method can create a more interesting read.

Title: RAGMAN’S WAR

Written By: R.S. Sukle

Genre: Action/ Drama

Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates their community, a link to his past.

Outline:

Act 1

(Beginning)

1. EXT. BATTLEFIELD – DAY

1917 Battlefield in France, trenches, barbed wire, no man’s land, marching gun nests, mortar fire, dust, and smoke.

American soldier, a sniper, watches a mortar shell exploded near his unit, bodies flying in the air. He runs to his brother, checks for injuries, gives him a canteen, and promises to “kill a few of the bastards” before he moves on.

2. EXT. WOODS – DAY

Scouting in the forest, the American sees a group of German soldiers marching towards an allied position. During the deafening volley of mortar fire picks off sixteen troops from back to front. He lets the officer remain alive despite him begging for death, a big mistake.

3. EXT. RUSSELLTON COAL PATCH – DAY

April 1, 1927

Lunch in hand, RAGMAN, machine shop mechanic and jaded war hero, kisses his wife, LUDIE, and joins the other men walking to their shift. As they walk down the dirt road of double two story company housing, they debate about walking out in solidarity with the United Mine Workers called strike. Ragman declares being undecided because he is finished with God, war, killing, and conflict.

4. I/E. WORKSTATIONS AROUND THE MINE – CONTINUOUS

The shift whistle blowsRagman packs up his tools.

Men underground dump out water from their dinner buckets, symbolic of solidarity with the strike, and load into the man lift, Men and boys working the tipple do the same, and the workers in the machine shop join them and walk away from their jobs. Ragman, reluctant, dumps water, picks up his tool crate, and exits.

5. EXT. FARM – DAY

Ragman moves his wife Ludie and their two young boys from the company duplex to a cottage on his parent’s farm. He helps his father and uncle with daily chores. Decides to ask his baby brother, ALBERT, to help him find a job at Conneaut Lake.

6. EXT. OAKLAND HOTEL – DAY

Ragman visits his baby brother Albert, ex-marine and boxer, working as a grounds keeper. Albert introduces Ragman to his boss. Ragman fixes the bulldozer engine, climbs aboard, and the boss hires him.

6.5 EXT. OAKLAND HOTEL – NEXT DAY

All goes well until the boss’s constant carping triggers Ragman’s anger. He quits, demands his pay, and when the boss refuses, chases him around a tree and holds him against the trunk. The frightened boss forks over the money plus a bonus for a quick departure.

7. EXT. ONE MAN COAL MINE – DAY

Ragman and his father-in-law Stan pool their savings to buy a pickup truck. They start a junk recycling business. The striking miners laugh now that his new occupation matches his mining nick name.

(Inciting Incident)

8. EXT. RUSSELLTON – DAY

An army of Coal and Iron Police, invade the region to break the strike. Their brutal commander, Herr Bucholtz, violently dominates the community as his men invade company houses, search and seize firearms, monitor the train station and few roads into the valley. His claims his actions are needed to protect company property.

FLASHBACK

9. EXT. BALDWIN-FELTS OFFICE – DAY

A detective hands Bucholtz a written report. Bucholtz scrutinizes it. He pays the man, pockets the report and smiles.

10. INT. BALDWIN-FELTS OFFICE – later

Bucholtz meets with the top agents, reminds them of his successful record of strike breaking in West Virginia, and convinces them to let him do the same in the Russellton coalfields of Pennsylvania.

END FLASHBACK

11. EXT. RUSSELLTON – EVENING

Ragman and his wife drive her father and two younger siblings home after a picnic at the farm. They are stopped by a trooper who demands to see their papers. Ragman yells his complaint; the trooper puts his hand on his gun. Ludie squeezes her husband’ s arm hard. He calms, and the trooper issues Stan and his family ID papers.

12. EXT. STAN’S HOUSE – LATER

Stan finds a work agreement attached to his porch post stating that if he doesn’t sign he will be evicted. Stan complains that he pays his rent every month. He crumples the notice, and stomps on it.

13. EXT. BUS STOP RUSSELLTON – AFTERNOON

Ludie with her two boys in tow exits the bus. A trooper confronts her and demands her name, destination, and purpose of the visit before allowing her to enter town. Bucholtz, attracted to the woman, asks the trooper for the information.

14. INT. STAN’S HOUSE – LATER

Bucholtz bursts into the house on a flimsy pretext, shoots Ludie’s young sister a threatening look, and ogles Ludie. Defiant, she gives him a dismissive look and turns her back. Intrigued, he smiles and leaves.

15. INT. MINE OFFICE – DAY

Stan enters the office and complains about eviction and confiscation of property notice nailed to his house. He tells the clerk he pays his rent but learns the homes are only for working miners. Stan talks to the man’s boss who agrees to let Stan stay if he pays the rent a month in advance. Stan pays and insists on a receipt.

16. INT. UNITED MINE WORKERS HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Ragman takes Ervin to meet the union heads so he can volunteer to teach the Russellton mine families to build barracks in exchange for building supplies so they don’t need to live in tents after the eviction. The union and Ervin strike a deal for him to do the same in other towns.

(Turning Point)

17. EXT. BARRACKS CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

Under Ervin’s leadership the construction hums along. To stop the progress, Bucholtz steals building supplies to lure Ervin onto company property and take him captive. Bucholtz argues with him about not fighting back after he cracks the whip across his back. Bucholtz goes berserk with repeated blows until Ervin looses his bowels and falls unconscious.

18. EXT. BARRACKS CONSTRUCTION SITE – NIGHT

Raman searches for his brother and finds him unconscious in a puddle of blood, mud, and feces in the cold pouring rain. Ragman and a fellow miner load Ervin into the pickup bed and takes him home. His companion runs to notify the company doctor to meet at the farm.

19. INT. FARM KITCHEN – MORNING

Ragman and his mother work on cleaning the wounds. Doctor Dicky and Amy, his nurse, arrive and take over. Ervin, semiconscious, forces Ragman to promise to take over the project and complete the shelters before the deadline and Ragman agrees knowing it will embed him into the union war.

20. EXT. FARM FIELD – LATER

Incensed and frustrated, Ragman throws rocks at a line of bottles and cans and screams vulgarisms and profanities with each strike. He runs out of targets and calms.

ACT 2

(New Plan)

21. INT. FARM KITCHEN – DAY

Albert arrives home from Conneaut Lake to help Ragman finish the barracks. With Ervin advising them, Ragman and Albert work out a new plan to make up lost time. Albert calls a few people who owe him for past favors.

22.EXT. BARRACKS CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

Ragman and Albert discover roof nails and rolls of tarpaper gone missing. They come up with a plan to borrow nails and alternate tarpaper with tar coated newspaper to fill the gaps.

23. EXT. MAIN ROAD – LATER

Albert leaves in search of supplies. Bucholtz stops him at the road and attempts to cower him. Albert assumes a boxing stance, dukes up, ready to take him on, and warns he’s not like his brother. Bucholtz retreats to the safety of his men.

(Midpoint turning point)

24. INT. STAN’S HOUSE – DAY

Prior to auction day Ragman helps Stan move all his belongings to his new rental house out in the township as Ludie stays behind to help her younger siblings, Ben and Reise, pack. Bucholtz bursts into the house with four troopers and orders two of his henchmen to put a noose around the effeminate boy’s neck, remove him from the house to the wagon road, and have fun. He then orders another trooper, Bernard to take Reise upstairs and enjoy her.

25. INT. UPSTAIRS – DAY

Bernard drags the girl upstairs and throws her on a mattress and orders the puzzled girl to scream as he clomps on the floor. He whispers for her to act like she is being attacked or Bucholtz will punish him.

26. INT. DOWNSTAIRS – SAME TIME

Bucholtz grabs Ludie, clamps her close, and pleads for her to pretend to love him. She bites his hand; he punches her hard in the stomach and knocks her unconscious. Bucholtz tenderly removes her clothing, kisses each part of her, and rapes her, hopeful she will bear his child.

27. INT. DOWNSTAIRS – LATER

Ludie awakens and finds it strange to be fully dressed despite the hurts in her body. She takes time to recover before dragging up the staircase.

28. INT. UPSTAIRS – LATER

Ludie finds a sobbing Reise curled on the mattress, pulls her close to comfort her, and makes her promise never to tell anyone what happened to them. It must be their secret to keep Ragman and their father from confronting Bucholtz, to protect them from the madman’s fury and possible death.

29. EXT. STAN’S HOUSE – LATER

Ragman and Stan return to an hysterical Ludie and Reise. They cry about the police leading Ben from the house with a noose around his neck. Ludie covers up her pain and injuries by claiming to have fallen down the steps.

30. EXT. WAGON ROAD – MOMENTS LATER

Ragman and Stan find a catatonic Ben, vilified by Bucholt’z thugs. They decide to send the boy to live in Detroit with an older sister; Ludie turns quiet and cries a lot.

ACT 3

(Rethink Everything)

31. INT. FARM KITCHEN – DAY

Ragman beams with elation when he receives the patent on his invention after months and months of waiting. He shares the information with his mother and asks about buying her unfinished new house in Springdale if he sells it and expresses his wished to get his depressed wife away from the area.

32. EXT. RUSSELLTON – DAY

Bucholtz orders his storm troopers to invade the company houses and destroy any food stores that might help the miners survive before they move all their personal items onto the street to be sold at auction. Bucholtz smiles at the destruction and mayhem, with nothing left to survive the winter they will either come back to work or die in the union barracks.

33. EXT. RUSSELLTON – DAY

Fred Broad, a successful business man from the city, backed by the union and protected by sheriff deputies and state troopers, buys all the items at auction and returns them to the families. Livid, Bucholtz berates his men before galloping away on his large stallion.

34. EXT. RUSSELLTON – DAY

Eviction Day.

Ragman drives up the hill to help his former neighbors Rosie and Big Tony move to the barracks. Doctor Dickey follows in his car to examine Tony, sick with miner’s lung. They find a mound of clothing on the street covered with snow surrounded by meager belongings.

35. EXT. RUSSELLTON – MOMENTS LATER

Underneath the pile of bedding they find a shivering Rosie and a dead Tony. Dickey takes charge of the body, Ragman invites Rosie to stay at his house. He promises he’ll travel to Pittsburgh notify Anthony, an engineering student at Carnegie Technical Institute, about his father’s death and bring him home.

Many Months later:

36. EXT. FIELD OUTSIDE OF CURTISVILLE – DAY

A recovered Ervin, now building barracks for the Ford Coal Company miners in Curtisville, waits for a delivery of union building supplies, and decides to drive to the nearest telephone to check on the delay. His car moves across the field, onto a short stretch of street in Curtisville.

37. EXT. CURTISVILLE – MOMENTS LATER

As soon as Ervin’s car enters the street, coal and iron police emerge and surround the stopped auto. Bucholtz, mounted on his stallion, directs the action, nods, a trooper approaches the car, others aim their guns. The trooper demands his pass and runs it to Bucholtz who declares it invalid and arrests him.

38. INT. STABLE LOCKUP IN CURTISVILLE – LATER

Bucholtz orders the prisoner tied to a post near the horse stall, unleashes his famous whip, and demonstrates his skill and accuracy. A loud cracking noise slices through the air. Ervin struggles against his ties.

39. INT. STABLE LOCKUP IN CURTISVILLE – CONTINUOUS

Bucholtz orders Ervin’s shirt to be removed showing large scars criss-cross his back. Bucholtz runs a finger over the widest and traces the thickness and texture. He steps back and raises the whip.

40. INT. STABLE LOCKUP IN CURTISVILLE – LATER

SNAP! SWOOSH! SLICE! The lash tears across the old scars, blood oozes as Ervin winces but remains stoic. Bucholtz screams vulgarities as he lets loose three more lashes before his arm freezes overhead, eyes enlarged, unfocused, face twisted in horror and throws down the whip and races outside. A jailer cuts Ervin down, drags him to the cell, punches him in the stomach, and throws him inside.

41. INT. CURTISVILLE POLICE BARRACKS – NIGHT

Bucholtz downs a bottle of whiskey and suffers hallucinations before passing out.

FLASHBACK

42.. INT. MENTAL INSTITUTION – DAY

Baron Von Hundleshausen visits Herman and claims he is not his son and orders him to stay away from the estate, his mother, and to change his name. Herman chooses his mother’s maiden name, Bucholtz.

43. EXT. GERMAN VILLAGE – DAY

Herman looks for his love Mina and his son. He finds only ruins where they live. He learns that both died in a house explosion.

44. INT. BREWHOUSE – NIGHT

Bucholtz incites a drunken brawl and kills one and injures two. Police arrest him.

45.. INT. PRISON CELL – DAY

Bucholtz’s grandfather visits with a recruiter from the Baldwin Feltz Agency. He offers him a job in America and freedom if he accepts.

END FLASHBACK

46. EXT. CURTISVILLE – NIGHT

A railroad hand car pumped by two men races across the landscape. It slows as it enters the town. Hidden by a railroad cut it stops on a siding near the lock up.

47. INT. CURTISVILLE LOCK UP – NIGHT

The older trooper leaves to check on the boss as the other three play cards. Minutes into the game, BANG!…the stable door bursts open. Ragman armed with a shotgun stands in the doorway backed by Albert.

48. INT. CURTISVILLE LOCK UP – CONTINUOUS

Ragman orders the men to freeze. Albert snatches a keyring from the jailer’s belt. The old trooper enters and grabs Ragman from behind.

49. INT. CURTISVILLE LOCK UP – CONTINUOUS

The shotgun flies through the air into the horse stalls…the stallion rears up to trample the gun. The Irish trooper, a boxer, with fists up rushes Albert who mirrors the fighting stance. Ragman fights off a horse and guard. Albert takes on two guards and the Irish boxer.

50. INT. CURTISVILLE LOCK UP – LATER

The dust clears. Ragman and Ervin head for the exit. Albert drags the unconscious troopers into the cell and locks the the door.

(Midpoint turning point)

51. EXT. HOUSE IN NEW KEN – DAY

Ragman drops Ludie in front of her friend Dora’s house and promises Ludie to take care of the boys for two weeks as she seeks help for her depression. He and Dora cross barbs before he leaves.

52. INT. BEDROOM DORA’S HOUSE – DAY

After the abortion and three days in bed, a recovering Ludie pulls up to standing and to a dressing table. She peers into the mirror, scows, and turns away from the hateful image of the woman who killed her own child. Ludie picks up scissors and chops off her beautiful long hair to look as ugly as she feels.

53.. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

The injured Ervin sick with flu gets a visit from Ragman and Albert. He asks about progress with the barracks construction with Albert finishing Curtisville and Ragman tackling Hamarville. They reassure him that all is well.

54. EXT. RUSSELLTON BARRACKS- DAY

U.S. Senator Wagner and other congressmen visit the site to investigate conditions there and accompanied by county sheriff deputies and state police who will remain in town to retain order when the Russellton mine opens on an open shop basis. Bucholtz watches from a distance, livid that after seven months of he failed to end the strike, a loose cannon ready to explode.

55. INT. FARM BEDROOM – DAY

The same flu that sickened Ervin claims Albert and his mother. August his father quarantines to the stable and Ludie’s depression renders her useless. Overwhelmed, Ragman gives up work at Harmarville to help his family. The township constable drops by to tell Raman that Rosie Gentile died from exposure in the unfinished Harmarville barracks and asks him to please notify her son Anthony.

56. INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

The convalescing Ervin sits in a wheelchair by the nurses desk and challenges another man to a race down the hall. Ervin leads with a burst of speed but midway slows, his heart stops and death claims him at 27 years old.

57.. INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Ragman and Ludie visit Stan who informs him that Reise is pregnant by a young trooper she took up with. Stan and Ragman decide it best to send her to Detroit. When the men leave Reise tells Ludie that the trooper, Bernard didn’t raper her; instead it was Bucholtz who seduced and impregnated her. Ludie faints at the news.

58. EXT. BUS STOP RUSSELLTON – DAY

Bucholtz sees a hag waiting at the stop and moves closer to identify her. Shocked, he recognizes Ludie, pale, haggard, baggy clothes, sunken dull eyes, and a hideous haircut. He inquires about the child and she confesses there is no child, she killed it. Incensed, he reaches for her throat, stops, and walks away, his last hope gone.

59. INT. REPUBLIC STEEL HEADQUARTERS – DAY

The executives call Buchlotz on the carpet, chastise his work, and issue a deadline to end the strike by any means. Pressured, he comes up with a sadistic plan for victory and revenge.

60. INT. STAN’S KITCHEN – DAY

Ragman drags Bernard into the kitchen for asking about Reise. He and Stan chastise the young man. He declares his love for Reise and tells them that Bucholtz is the father and that he also raped Ludie. Ragman snaps and bolts from the house before he kills someone. He returns when calm and asks Bernard to spy on Bucholtz. He agrees.

61. EXT. FARM – NIGHT

Ragman finishes places the last of his family belongings into the pick up truck. Ragman, Ludie, and the boys say good-bye to their grandparents and load into the cab. They drive away to their new life in Springdale.

ACT 4

(Climax/Ultimate expression of the Conflict)

62. EXT. POLICE BARRACKS – NIGHT

Ragman travels to the police barracks in Russellton, bangs on the door, and bellows for Bucholtz. He confronts the Commander about raping Ludie, impregnating Reise, and killing Ervin. WHY! Bucholtz gets close to his ear and confesses to being the 17th man, his life ruined by not being killed. He he will bites off Ragman’s earlobe and wraps the braided leather of his whip around Ragman’s neck pulling ever tighter until Ragman chokes. BOOM! Rube Dembaugh, township constable, wielding a shotgun and backed by several deputies, arrests Ragman before Bucholtz can kill him.

63. EXT. CHURCH CEMETERY – NIGHT

Robbed of his victim, Bucholtz goes raving mad and bludgeons a scab miner to death with a fence piling. The next day he blames the murder on the young miners who support the union. County detectives from Pittsburgh arrests the boys.

64. INT. RAGMAN’S SPRINGDALE HOUSE – NIGHT

Two weeks before a planned peaceful protest at the mine office to be led by Albert, Bernard shows up at the door. He informs Ragman about the murder in the cemetery and Bucholtz arriving later at the barracks stark naked in the pouring rain.

He hands Ragman the Commander’s journal documenting the details of his plan to use a machine gun to mow down the picket line of men, women, and children, after he first kills Albert. Overwhelmed, Ragman calls Anthony Gentile at union headquarters and asks for help. He thanks Bernard, writes down Reise’s address in Detroit, and gives him enough money to get there.

65. INT. RAGMAN’S SPRINGDALE HOUSE – LATER

Anthony arrives and hour later and they devise a rational plan to kill Bucholtz without detection. Anthony reminds Ragman that to pull it off, he has less than two weeks to redirect his anger into cunning and self restraint.

66. EXT. FARMHOUSE – NIGHT

Raman argues with Albert about not being recovered enough to lead a protest that could turn ugly. The two get into a fight, Albert grabs his chest and collapses. Doc Dickey orders complete bedrest for three weeks.

(Resolution)

67. EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 1 – DAY

April 1, 1928, one year after the beginning of the strike, miners from Russellton and Curtisville congregate on the road in front of the office of Republic Iron and Steel. The protest remains peaceful. Ragman, in disguise, hides in the crowd with his hunting knife ready.

68. EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 1 – CONTINUOUS

Bucholtz roars into the throng on his horse, pushing turns to shoving. Those on the picket line link arms and a lone voice starts singing and soon joined by others, a union song about solidarity.

Bucholtz notices the new leader, signals his thugs in the crowd to ramp it up, and small fights break out.

69. EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 1 – CONTINUOUS

Ragman moves in for the kill. The mob pushes him too far away to strike. He skirts around to a hillock across the street, steps on a large rock, and picks it up.

70. EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 1 – CONTINUOUS

Bucholtz aims his gun at Anthony, the shot a signal for the machine gunner to open fire.

Ragman hammers the rock at Bucholtz. It smashes into his back. Unsteady, Bucholtz shoots and the shot barely misses the machine gunner.

71. EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 1 – CONTINUOUS

The spooked stallion rears up and dumps its rider. Hooves bash his head and trample the body. The frightened beast bolts through the crowd as people scatter out of its way.

72. EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 1 – CONTINUOUS

Police, protesters, and new scabs freeze in stunned silence. Ragman slips under mob and removes his outer clothing. He appears moments later at the opposite edge of the protest, his hand in a sling.

73. EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 1 – CONTINUOUS

Constable Rube Dembaugh moves through the mob to check the body. He declares the Commander dead. Everyone cheers, problem solved, a ten year mistake now corrected.

74. INT. SPRINGDALE HOUSE – DAY

Ragman returns home, kisses his wife, and hugs his children. He informs Ludie about the death of Bucholtz. He confesses that although the problem is solved, his mistake ten years earlier caused a lot of hardship and death and must learn how to live with that.

THE END

[Rebecca Sukle]

I am ready to exchange feedback on Version 3 of Ragman’s War.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Fascinating Scenes

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment was that by making a few changes using this method can create a more interesting read.

Ragman’s War

Act 1

(Beginning)

1. EXT. BATTLEFIELD – DAY

1917 Battlefield in France, trenches, barbed wire, no man’s land, marching gun nests, mortar fire, dust, and smoke.

American soldier, a sniper, watches a mortar shell explode near his unit, bodies flying in the air. he runs to his brother, checks hip out, gives him a canteen an promises to “kill a few of the bastards” before he moves on.

2. EXT. WOODS – DAY

Scouting in the forest, the American sees a group of German soldiers marching towards an allied position and during the deafening volley of mortar fire picks off sixteen troops but lets the officer remain alive despite him begging for death, a big mistake.

3. EXT. RUSSELLTON – DAY

April 1, 1927, a coal patch of double houses that step downhill, boarding house, company store, and mine buildings surrounded by piles of smoldering bony.

Lunch in hand, RAGMAN, machine shop mechanic and jaded war hero, kisses his wife, and joins the other men walking to their shift. They debate about walking out in solidarity with the United Mine Workers called strike. Ragman declares being undecided because he is finished with God, war, killing, and conflict.

4. I/E. WORKSTATIONS AROUND THE MINE – CONTINUOUS

The shift whistle blowsRagman packs up his tools.

Men underground dump out water from their dinner buckets and load into the man lift, Men and boys working the tipple do the same, and the workers in the machine shop join them and walk away from their jobs. Ragman, reluctant, dumps water, picks up his tool crate, and exits.

5. EXT. FARM – DAY

Ragman moves his wife Ludie and their two young boys from the company duplex to a cottage on his parent’s farm, and helps his father and uncle with daily chores.

6. EXT. OAKLAND HOTEL – DAY

Ragman visits his baby brother Albert, ex-marine and boxer, working as a grounds keeper. Albert helps Ragman get hired. All goes well until the bosses constant carping triggers his anger. He quits, demands his pay, and when the boss refuses, chases him around a tree and holds him against the trunk. The frightened boss forks over the money plus a bonus for a quick departure.

7. EXT. ONE MAN COAL MINE – DAY

Ragman and his father-in-law Stan pool their savings to buy a pickup truck and start a junk recycling business, his mining name now matches his occupation.

(Inciting Incident)

8. EXT. RUSSELLTON – DAY

An army of Coal and Iron Police, invade the region to break the strike. Their brutal commander, Herr Bucholtz, violently dominates the community as his men invade company houses, search and seize firearms, monitor the train station and few roads into the valley on the pretext of protecting company property.

9. EXT. RUSSELLTON – EVENING

Ragman and his wife drive her father and two younger siblings home after a picnic at the farm. They are stopped by a trooper who demands to see their papers. Ragman yells his complaint, the trooper puts his hand on his gun, Ludie squeezes her husband’ s arm hard. Ragman calms, and the trooper issues Stan and his family ID papers.

10. EXT. STAN’S HOUSE – LATER

Stan finds a work agreement attached to his porch post stating that if he doesn’t sign he will be evicted. Stan complains that he pays his rent every month, crumples the notice, and stomps on it.

11. EXT. BUS STOP RUSSELLTON – AFTERNOON

Ludie with her two boys in tow exits the bus and confronted by a trooper who demands her name, destination, and purpose of the visit before allowing her to continue up the hill. Bucholtz, attracted to the woman, asks the trooper for the information.

12. INT. STAN’S HOUSE – LATER

Bucholtz bursts into the house on a flimsy pretext, shoots Ludie’s young sister a threatening look, and ogles Ludie. Defiant, she gives him a dismissive look, turns her back, and he leaves.

13. INT. MINE OFFICE – DAY

Stan enters the office and complains about eviction and confiscation of property notice nailed to his house. He tells the clerk he pays his rent but learns the homes are only for working miners. Stan talks to the man’s boss who agrees to let Stan stay if he pays the rent a month in advance. Stan pays and insists on a receipt.

14. INT. UNITED MINE WORKERS HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Ragman takes Ervin to meet the union heads so he can volunteer to teach the Russellton mine families to build barracks in exchange for building supplies so they don’t need to live in tents after the eviction. The union and Ervin strike a deal if he will to do the same in other towns. He agrees.

(Turning Point)

15. EXT. BARRACKS CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

Under Ervin’s leadership the construction hums along. To stop the progress, Bucholtz steals building supplies to lure Ervin onto company property and take him captive. Bucholtz argues with him about not fighting back when he cracks the whip across his back. Ervin’s reply causes Bucholtz goes berserk with repeated blows until Ervin looses his bowels and falls unconscious.

16. EXT. BARRACKS CONSTRUCTION SITE – NIGHT

Raman searches for his brother and finds him unconscious in a puddle of blood, mud, and feces in the cold pouring rain. Ragman and other searchers load Ervin into the pickup bed. Ragman takes him home.

17. INT. FARM KITCHEN – MORNING

Ragman and his mother work on cleaning the wounds. Doctor Dicky arrives and takes over. Ervin wakes up and forces Ragman to promise to take over the project and complete the shelters before the deadline. Reluctant, Ragman agrees knowing it will embed him into the union war.

18. EXT. FARM FIELD – LATER

Incensed and frustrated, Ragman throws rocks at a line of bottles and cans and screams vulgarisms and profanities with each strike.

[Rebecca Sukle]

I am ready to exchange feedback. Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates their community.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Scene Requirements

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is adding the slub lines gives my outline form and treating each scene like a mini-story gives substance.

Ragman’s War

Genre: Action/Drama

Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates their community.

EXT. BATTLEFIELD – DAY

1917 Battlefield in France, trenches, barbed wire, no man’s land, marching gun nests, mortar fire, smoke, and dust.

An American soldier, a sniper, watches his unit move towards the enemy. A mortar shell explodes, bodies fly in the air. He runs to one, his brother, checks him out, gives him a canteen, and promises to “kill a few bastards” before he moves on.

Scene Arc: A mortar shell explodes injuring a sniper’s brother. He moves on to kill a few of the bastards. <div>

Essence: He checks on his brother, leaves a canteen, but forced to move on.

Conflict: He wants to stay but must move forward.

Subtext: Always protected his brother’s back but failed and helpless to do more.

Hope/fear: Fear he might get killed. Hope his brother survives.

EXT. WOODS – DAY

Scouting in the woods for a nest, the American sniper notices a group of German soldiers marching towards an allied position. He finds perfect cover and waits until a deafening volley of mortar fire, to pick off 16 men from the rear to the front but leaves the commander remain alive despite his plea for death and slips away.

Scene Arc: Sniper finds perfect nest, picks off 16 enemy soldiers but leaves the 17th man remain alive and moves on. </div><div>

Essence: Kills the German officer’s men but lets him remain alive.

Conflict: The German officer begs for death, but the American refuses to kill him.

Subtext: The sniper labels the officer a coward, sentences him to live with his shame.

Hope/fear: Fear that the German officer will harm the Americans. Hope that he won’t retaliate.

EXT. PORCH – DAY

April 1, 1927 Republic Steel Russellton No. 2 coal mining patch.

Dinner bucket in hand, RAGMAN, a WWI war hero and mine mechanic, undecided about the upcoming strike, rubs the heads of his two little boys, kisses his wife long and hard, and joins other men as he walks to his walking to his shift at the captive mine of Republic Steel.

Scene Arc: Ragman says good-bye to his family and walks to work.</div><div>

Essence: Ragman expresses love for his family unsure if he will join a strike.

Conflict: The need to support his family versus solidarity with the other miners.

Subtext: He apologizes to his family for being out of a job no matter what he decides.

Hope/fear: Hope he made the right decision. Fear it will hurt his family.

EXT. DIRT LANE – CONTINUOUS

The miners debate about walking out in solidarity with the United Mine Workers called strike. Ragman declares being undecided because the Russellton workers have no official union and will be punished, and he is finished with God, war, killing, and conflict.

Scene Arc: Ragman joins the other miners and debates during the walk to work. </div><div>

Essence: He enlightens his fellow workers about what might happen if they strike in solidarity with the United Mine Workers.

Conflict: Those who look forward to the strike debateing those who worry about the power of Republic Steel.

Subtext: Ragman knows war and damaged by it.

Hope/fear: Hope the strike will succeed. Fear the harsh repercussions by the company if they walk out.

INT. MACHINE SHOP – DAY

The shift whistle blows, Ragman packs his tools and waits, lost in thought.

Scene Arc: Ragman hears the shift whistle, tools packed, he waits. </div><div>

Essence: Ragman packs his personal property because either way he will be out of a job.
Conflict: Still debates in his mind.

Subtext: He understands the inevitable.

Hope/fear: Fear he will make the wrong decision. Hope he will not regret it.

I/E. WORKSTATIONS AROUND THE MINE – CONTINUOUS

Men underground dump out water from their dinner buckets and load into the man trip lift. Men and boys working the tipple do the same and leave their post. The workers in the machine shop join them.

Scene Arc: Men dump water and leave their posts. </div><div>

Essence: Republic miners decide to walk out in solidarity with the United Mine Workers.
Conflict: Most are hesitant before dumping the water.

Subtext: Dumping of their daily water supply is a symbol of joining a strike and walking out.

Hope/fear: Hope that the strike will make their working conditions better. Fear the conditions will get worse if the strike fails.

INT. MACHINE SHOP – MOMENTS LATER

Ragman, tools packed, dumps his water onto the floor, picks up his tool crate and joins the other men leaving the shop.

Scene Arc: Ragman dumps his water and joins the other men.

Essence: He decides to stick with his co-workers rather than being a company lackey.

Conflict: Should he stay or go.

Subtext: He knows once he walks out the door he will not be back.

Hope/fear: Hope the strike is short; fear it could get ugly for the strikers.

</div>

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s intriguing moments

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that there should be two or more intriguing moments in each act. If you don’t have these than you can create them.

ACT 1

Mystery: 1917 battlefield in France, American sniper picks off sixteen German soldiers, from rear to front of line, but leaves the seventeenth man, the officer remain alive.

Cover Up: When pressed if he will go on strike with the other miners, Ragman, a mine mechanic, remains undecided because conflict triggers his excessive anger.

Hidden Identity: Commander Bucholtz arrives in Ragman’s town with an army of private security gurardsn and violently dominates the community.

Covert Agenda: Bucholtz inquires about Ragman, his wife, and family.

Intrigue: Bucholtz follows Ragman’s wife from the bus stop to her father’s house. He bursts inside for closer inspection, but first sends her young sister a threatening look.

Scheme: Bucholtz tricks Ragman’s brother Ervin, the carpenter leading the barracks building, onto company property and brutally whips him.

ACT 2

Mystery: Bucholtz attempts to cower Ragman’s brother who returned home to help with the barracks building; but, he moves into a fighting stance, issues a warning, and stares Bucholtz down until he retreats to the safety of his men.

Scheme: As the barracks building progresses, Bucholtz devises a new plan for revenge and possessing Ludie.

Hidden Identity: When crusty Ragman’s neighbor calls him a good man, Ragman warns him not to tell anyone and ruin his reputation as a hard ass.

Mystery: Alone with Ludie, Bucholtz pleas for her to love him.

Superior Position/Conspiracy: The audience sees that the young trooper and Reise conspire to make noises to fool Bucholtz into thinking the boy is carrying out his order to rape the girl.

Cover Up: After the rape in order to protect Ragman and Stan, Ludie makes her sister swear not to tell anyone what happened to them.

ACT 3

Hidden Identity: Ragman beams when he recieves the long awaited patent for his invention.

Scheme: Ragman orders his men to destroy the miner’s food stores when they put all their furniture out on the street for auction as hungry families will push them back to work.

Covert Agenda: When union bosses fail to follow through with needed relief for the striking families, Albert finds help from the Red backed Pennsylvania and Ohio Relief to piss off the union leaders.

Conspiracy: Bucholtz conspires with the Black Hand at the grocery in Little Italy section of Curtisville to trick him onto company property.

Scheme: Ragman learns that Ervin is in the Curtisville lockup and drives to a railsiding. He and Albert wait until dark and use a hand car to slip into town for a jail break.

Secret: Ludie keeps her pregnancy and abortion secret from her husband.

Conspiracy: Ragman asks Bernard to spy on Bucholtz and he agrees.

Scheme: After being called on the carpet by company executives, Bucholtz designs a brilliant but sadistic plan for revenge and victory.

ACT 4

Hidden Identity: Ragman confronts Bucholtz about raping Ludie. Bucholtz confesses to being the 17th man, the one Ragman left live.

Cover Up: Bucholtz goes bonkers and bludgeons a man to death with a fence piling and blames it on the young striking miners and arrests them.

Conspiracy: After Ragman learns Bucholtz plans to a machine gun to mow down the picket line of men, women, and children, he calls Anthony at union headquaters for help and together they craft a plan to stop Bucholtz.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Emotional Moments

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this is that when I expanded the emotion of the action, dialog emerged, and I responded with empathy for the characters. Wow!

Act 1

Old: Ragman finds his brother and brings him home.

Emotional: Ragman notices a dark shape on the ground at the barracks site. He places the truck so the headlights wash over the area and the body. Ragman leaps to his brother’s side fearing him dead. He shakes Irvin’s shoulder and softly calls, “Irv, Irv,” and when no response drops his head to Ervin’s rain soaked chest and relieved to make out a heartbeat. He checks his brother for gunshot wounds, turns him over to check his back, and grinds back his sobs. The shirt is shredded, the back sliced raw, his body lying in a mix of blood, mud, and shit boil Ragman with rage and he bellows at the sky and shakes with sobs. Ragman chokes back the tears to regain calm to focus on saving his brother’s life, to take him home.

Act 1

Old: Incensed and frustrated, Ragman throws rocks at a line of bottles and yells profanities.

Emotional: Ragman begins to clean Ervin’s wounds. His mother holds back her tears to help. It is a torturous job for both. After the doctor arrives and takes over, Ragman throws rocks at a line of bottles and cans while yelling profanity, obscenities, and threats.

Act 2

Old: Bucholtz lurks nearby with three troopers and waits until Ragman and Stan leave.

They burst into the company house. Bucholtz tells two of his men to take the effeminate boy to the wagon road and have fun. He orders the remaining trooper, BERNARD, to take the girl upstairs and enjoy her.

Emotional: When Ben sees Bucholtz twisting Ludie’s arm he feigns bravery and pleads for the trooper to let his sisters go. He offers himself instead. The troopers laugh. Bucholtz claims Ben would like that, be taken by a man. He then calls the boy a freak, an abomination, an effeminate. He orders his men to remove him from the house and show what happens to freaks. The sisters try to intervene, but held back. They watch as the trooper ties Bens hands behind his back and put a noose around his neck. They threaten to hang him on the front porch if Ben doesn’t comply. Ludie pleads for them not to hurt him. Bucholtz warns her that he might just kill all of them. Ludie quiets.

Old:

Ludie makes Reise swear that they will keep the rapes secret from everyone to keep Ragman and Stan from confronting the madman and possible death.

Emotional: Ludie crawls upstairs to comfort her sister. She finds a sobbing Reise lying on the mattress in the big room. Ludie sits next to her sister, strokes the girl’s long thick hair, and hums a song their mother sang to comfort them. Reise calms and so does Ludie. She reminds the girl that life goes on. “We’re still alive, only hurt, and with time we’ll heal.” She warns her that they can’t let Papa or Ragman know what happened or it could cause their death. “Those monsters can’t beat us down. We won’t let them or give them an excuse to kill the men we love. We must remain silent.” She turns her sister’s head and looks into her eyes to make sure she understands it must remain their secret. Ludie orders Reise to say it out loud. “It’s our secret. Oh, Ludie, I am so sorry.” Riese hugs Ludie for dear life. Ludie strokes her hair.

Act 3

Old: Tensions get worse between Ragman and Ludie after her stay with Dora. She is thin, pale, and her hair cut like a patient in a lunatic asylum.

Emotional:

Ludie’s mother-in-law Emma walks across the lane to visit just after Ragman’s news about buying Emma’s dream house in Springdale. The women speak to each other in Polish. Uncomfortable, Ludie wanders around the kitchen to look busy. Emma asks her to sit that they need to talk. Ludie sits but tries to divert Emma’s attention. How could she know? Emma comes right to the point. She admits to knowing how it feels to miscarry a child. “I have lost several.” Ludie’s eyes water. Emma then talks for the first time about her still born babies, and her Minnie who died at age three, and Oscar who only lived a few days. Ludie sees the sorrow in Emma’s face. Emma admits that a part of her died with each baby. “Many times I felt my heart could take no more. I did not know if I could go on. You are not alone in that.” Emma admits to being selfish but did not pity herself too long. “I had beautiful living children to think about, to care for. It gave me strength.” She reminds Ludie that she too is strong, has two healthy boys, and a man who loves her. “You will have a good life in Springdale, easier than mine.” She then asks Ludie if she understands. Ludie agrees and asks Emma how she knew. “I have lived a long time. Old women know these things.” She then asks if Ragman knows. Ludie admits to never letting him know that she was pregnant. “Or miscarried,” she lies. She holds onto Emma’s hand until there are no more tears and a new bond between them.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Reveals

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I Learned: It can be tricky to know what to reveal, when, and how to set it up. Surprises with each reveal keep things interesting.

The Big Reveal:

Question 1: What will you reveal? Bucholtz is the 17th man, the officer Ragman left remain alive. (Opening setup)
Question 2: When will the reveal show up in the story? It will show up in Act 4 just before Bucholtz bites off Ragman’s earlobe.
Question 3: What setups need to be in place to have the reveal work? Bucholtz not being killed with his men. Bucholtz pays a detective for information on the American sniper. He begs to be sent to Russellton coalfields to oversee the evictions and break the strike there. He asks the boy cleaning the police barrack about war hero’s in Russellton. Requests a physical description of each. Once identified, Bucholtz targets Ragman and his family.
Question 4: Where in the story do those setups belong? Before Bucholtz arrives in Russellton. Also, as he gets acclimated to the Russellton towns.

Reveal 2:

Question 1. What: How bad Ragman’s PTSD and Moral Injury from the Great Warn really is.

Question 2, When: (Act 4) When Ragman blows up and confronts Bucholtz.

Question 3, Set Ups: Ragman blows up at his new boss at the Oakland Hotel. (Act 1) Tells Fagan he will share his war story, drinks his liquor, but can’t do it. Breaks down crying in the car but doesn’t blowup. Labor Day when he is stopped by trooper and Ludie squeezes his arm.(Turning Point) After Bucholtz beats up Ervin. Ragman explodes, throws rocks at a line of cans and bottles yelling profanity, obscenities, and cursing Bucholtz and God.

Question 4: Where do they belong. In each act, building through the story.

Reveal 3: Question 1, What: The depth of Bucholtz’s war trauma, Survivor shame, and moral injury.

Question 2, When: ( Act 3) When Bucholtz attempts to whip the pacifist carpenter Ervin for the second time and begins to hallucinate, and throws down his whip and gets drunk sinking deeper into insanity.

Question 3, Set Ups: When he knocks out Ludie and tenderly kisses her before the rape. His nightmares where he confuses Ludie with Mina. During flashbacks of his breakdown after the war and his father’s ill treatment. His violent reaction when he learned Mina and his son had died when their house blew up.

Question 4, Where do they belong: In each act building to throughout the story to the climax.

Reveal 4: Question 1, What: When Ludie learns from Reise, that it was Bucholtz who seduced and impregnated her and not Bernard who was ordered to rape her.

Question 2, When: Act 3, when Ludie learns Reise is pregnant.

Question 3, Set Ups: Act 1 when Bucholtz follows Ludie to Stan’s house and shoots Reise a threatening look.

Question 4, Where do they belong: Act 1. Act 2, when Bucholtz orders Bernard to rape Reise.

Reveal 5:

Question 1. What: That Bernard will turn on Commander Bucholtz.

Question 2, When: (Act 3) After Bernard tells Ragman about Bucholtz raping Ludie. Ragman asks how he can trust him. Bernard removes his shirt and Ragman sees the whip scars across the boy’s back.

Question 3, Set Ups: (Act 2) When Bernard only pretends to follow the order to rape Reise. Instead, he convinces her to help him put on a good act and makes Reise keep the non rape their secret.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Character Action Tracks

My vision: Vision: My vision for my success in this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that by going through the Actor Attractors and Character Profile sheets for the Protagonist, Antagonist, and the Triangle Character, and two important minor characters I was able to add more action throughout the story.

Title: Ragman’s War

Genre: Action/Drama, based on a true events

Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates their community.

Opening: 1917 Battlefield in France, trenches, no man’s land, machine gun nests, mortar launchers.

American Sargent watches as a mortar shell explodes near his unit, bodies flying through the air. He runs to a certain soldier, his brother, checks him out, and leaves him a canteen. His brother makes him promise to “kill a few of the bastards.”

Scouting in the near by woods, the American, a sniper, watches a German officer marching leading his men towards a American position, the16 troops marching eyes front with none looking back. During a deafening volley of mortar fire, picks off all the enemy soldiers from rear to front and waits, viewing the officer through his scope.

Leutnant Von Hundleshausen (2nd Lieutenant) waves his men forward before he turns to face them, and notices no one there. He retraces his steps and sees the bodies of his men strewn across the forest floor.

The Lieutenant opens his arms and begs to be killed and die with honor.

When nothing happens, he puts a pistol to his head, but doesn’t pull the trigger. He sinks to his knees, begs for death and curls into a fetal position.

The American sniper calls. “Feigling, lebe mit deiner Schande” (Coward, live with your shame) and moves to another position.

Act 1

Beginning

April 1, 1927 – Russellton No. 2, PA , a mining village owned by Republic Steel.

Lunch in hand, RAGMAN, a mine mechanic, kisses his wife LUDIE good-bye and joins other men walking to their shift.

The men debate about walking out in solidarity with the United Mine Workers strike.

Ragman declares being undecided. His language crustier as he explains his position. His gut tells him the strike will lead to war and he is finished with God, war, and killing. Either way he is out of a job.

Despite his reluctance to get involved in the UMW called strike, Ragman walks out with the other men and moves his wife and two boys from company housing to his parent’s nearby farm.

Ragman visits his baby brother ALBERT, radical ex-marine and banned boxer, working at the Oakland Hotel at Conneaut Lake and gets hired as a groundsman.

His job lasts one day and 2 hours. The constant carping of the boss triggers Ragman who loses his temper and quits. After debate about being fired or quitting and amount of money owed, Ragman grabs the boss’s collar and pushes him up against a tree. Frightened, the boss pays the wages plus a large bonus for a quick departure.

Ragman returns home. He and his father-in-law STAN pull their money and buy a pick up truck. They decide to start a junk recycling business and become ragmen.

Stan continues to live in Russellton with his two youngest children BEN, age seventeen, and RIESE his fifteen year old daughter.

Inciting Incident:

An army of Coal and Iron Police many of them Balwin-Felts invade the region to break the strike. The brutal Commander, Herr Bucholtz, violently dominates the community.

He directs his men to search and confiscate firearms, monitor the train station and the few roads leading into the valley to suppress organizers from entering the town.

FLASHBACK: Bucholtz, trained and commissioned as a strike breaker in West Virginia receives a report from one of the detectives and maneuvers the agency to send him to the Russellton coalfields and promises a quick end to the strike. END FLASHBACK

Ragman tries to keep his distance from Bucholtz so not to be triggered; but, Bucholtz creates opportunities to taunt him. Ragman struggles, but maintains control. Promises himself he can always retaliate later, at a time of his choosing.

Labor Day 1927, Ragman brings Stan and his children to a family picnic at the farm. (Added Action) On the way home, they gossip about observations at the picnic. Troopers block the road, Raman stops, and the trooper demands to see their ID passes. Ragman almost blows up but Ludie squeezes his arm, he calms, and the group get their passes.

When they arrive at Stan’s house they find a notice to attached to a post. It states that anyone who does not sign a work agreement will be evicted. Stan tears it off and tramples it. He pays his rent.

(Added Action Bucholtz) Bucholz, obsessed with Ludie, follows her from the bus stop to Stan’s house, bursts inside for a closer look. Ludie notices him send Reise a threatening look. When Bucholtz ogles Ludie’s body, instead intimidated, (Added Action Ludie) she looks him in the eye with a dismissive look. He leaves.

After Ludie complains about Bucholtz ogling her and his friendship with Ben, Ragman wonders why Bucholtz shows such an interest in his family.

After Stan finds an eviction notice and confiscation of property attached to his house, he asks Ragman to take him to the company office because he pays his rent.

Stan talks to the boss at the company office and thinks problem is resolved.

ERVIN, Ragman’s carpenter brother asks Ragman to drive him to the UMW district office in Pittsburgh to talk to Phil Murray.

At the office in Pittsburgh Ervin offers his services to teach and direct the building of barracks in Rusellton, the first to face eviction, if the union can provide lumber, nails, and roofing material. Pat Fagan, second in command to Murray, agrees and also asks Ervin if he could do the same for other mining towns. Both men shake on the deal.

(Added Action Ragman) Fagan tells Ragman that he’d like to hear his war story. Ragman implies he might tell it for a drink. The two men down shots of whiskey. Ragman starts but doesn’t finish. He chugs two more shots, and on his way out the door, thanks Fagan for the whiskey.

Turning Point:

Under Ervin’s direction, progress during the first three days of barracks construction exceeded expectations. Ragman and Ludie plan a picnic to reward the workers for their hard work. Ludie flirts with Ragman and asks him to take her fishing.

( Added Action Ragman and Ludie) FLASHBACK: 18 year old Ragman fishes at a creek. Ludie, age 13, arrives to fill buckets of water from the spring. She teases Ragman about his small fish and gives a lesson on how to catch a bigger one. Cute, cheerful, and funny, she also exhibits strength when she carries two buckets of water all the way to town END OF FLASHBACK.

( Added Action Bucholtz) Bucholtz eyes the couple through his binoculars; his desire grows as he watches she and her husband move together and disappear into the dark. </p><p>To stop progress on the barracks, Buchlotz lures Ervin to company property. He argues with the carpenter about not fighting back. before Bucholtz savagery whips him. He goes berserk and strikes repeated blows until Erving falls unconscious. Bucholtz order his men to dump the body at the building site in the mud and cold of the pouring rain .

Ragman finds his brother and brings him home. He and his mother clean the wounds until the company doctor DICKEY arrives. Ervin forces Ragman promise to take over and complete the Russellton shelters before the deadline. A reluctant Ragman agrees knowing it will embed him into the union war.

Incensed and frustrated, Ragman throws rocks at a line of bottles and yells profanities.

ACT 2:

New plan:

Ragman calls Albert home from Conneaut Lake and enlists his help to train the miners and finish the barracks.

Whenever, Bucholtz harasses Ragman to provoke a fight, he heeds his wife’s advice to squeeze his forearm as a reminder to not lose his temper an avoid being arrested or killed.

The memory of whipping Ervin begins to haunt Bucholtz. Why didn’t the carpenter struggle or resist?

Plan in action:

Bucholtz orders his men to sabotage the building site. They confiscate several rolls of tarpaper and roofing nails.

(Added Action Bucholtz) Bucholtz attempts to cower Albert when confronted.

(Added Action Albert) Albert puts up his dukes sets a boxer stance, ready to take him on. He looks Bucholtz straight in the eye. “I’m not like my brothers,” he warns.

(Added Action Bucholtz) Bucholtz retreats to the safety of his men.

Ragman and Albert improvise to finish the roofing by collecting nails from local farmers, alternating strips of tar paper and using cardboard and newspaper covered by tar to fill in the gaps.

Bucholtz receives a letter from his half-brother and learns that his father killed his mother before committing suicide. With the loss of everything that ever mattered to him, Bucholtz hits the bottle. The alcohol and need for revenge fuel his delusions and desire for Ludie, confusing her with Mina.

Bucholtz devises a plan for revenge and possessing Ludie.

Midpoint Turning Point:

(Added Action Ragman) Ragman’s former neighbor, TREVELLINI, stops his truck and pleads with Ragman to let him put items on the truck to be stored in his father’s barn so not to be auctioned off. Ragman acting crusty, refuses. Trevi wears him down with his pleas. When Trevi calls him a good man but Ragman warns him not to tell anyone and ruin his reputation as a hard ass.

Prior to auction day, Ragman helps his father-in-law Stan move to a house on farm property.

Ludie, Reise, and Ben finish packing up the last belongings.

Bucholtz lurks nearby with three troopers and waits until Ragman and Stan leave.

They burst into the company house. Bucholtz tells two of his men to take the effeminate boy to the wagon road and have fun. He orders the remaining trooper, BERNARD, to take the girl upstairs and enjoy her.

Alone with Ludie, Bucholtz pleads for he to love him. When she resists he knocks her unconscious, tenderly removes her clothing, and kisses each part of her before the rape. Afterward, he redresses Ludie and leaves hopeful she will bear his child.

Ludie makes Reise swear that they will keep the rapes secret from everyone to keep Ragman and Stan from confronting the madman and possible death.

Ragman and Stan return to find an hysterical Ludie and Reise. They cry about the police leading Ben from the house with a noose around his neck.

(Added Action Ludie) Ludie covers up her pain and injuries by saying she fell down the stairs.

Ragman and Stan find a catatonic Ben, vilified by the police. Stan sends the boy to Detroit to live with an older sister. Ludie becomes quiet and depressed.

ACT 3:

Rethink everything:

(Added Action Ragman) Ragman beams with elation when he receives the long awaited patent on his gravity braking coal car. He sells the invention and offers to buy his mother’s unfinished house in Springdale, so he can move Ludie and his sons away from Russellton. He assigns Albert to protect the recovering Ervin from Bucholtz.

(Added Action Bucholtz) Auction day, Bucholtz orders his storm troopers invade the company houses and destroy any food stores or garden seed that might help the miners survive. The police mock the women, remove every item from the houses and stack them in the street, even those who paid their rent. Bucholtz smiles at the destruction. After the auction the people will have nothing left to survive the winter in the union barracks and be forced back to work.

Fred Broad, a successful businessman from the city and backed by the union, buys all the items on auction and returns them to the mine families.

(Added Action Bucholtz) Bucholtz turns livid and berates his men. He develops a new plan and will concentrate on Curtisville.

(Added Action Ragman) Eviction day, Ragman decides to fetch the Doc Dickey before helping to move his neighbors, Tony and Rosie to the barracks. Just after he leaves Bucholtz orders the sick man and his wife thrown out into the street along with their meager belongings. Ragman and Dickey return to find them out in the street covered with snow. Tony is dead.

(Added Action Ragman) Ragman travels to Pittsburgh to tell their son, Anthony, an engineering student at Carnegie Technical Institute and bring him home.

New Plan:

Bucholtz concentrates his forces in Curtisville and keeps watch on the barracks building site on an abutting farm.

Ervin, now recovered, and leads the barracks construction in Curtisville No. 2 with Albert as his assistant. While Albert is busy pouring cement footers for the locust posts, Ervin and a few men from Russellton train the Curtisville miners.

(Added Action Bucholtz) Bucholtz confides in his SECOND in command his plans to arrest Ervin, put him in the stable lockup, provide several whippings, and after the carpenter dies, burn down the building. Second suggests that it might be better to bury him in a smoldering gob pile of bony. Bucholtz agrees.

(Added Action Bucholtz) Bucholtz moves his men to the edge of company property to intimidate the workers. Ervin mindful of the property lines moves closer to Bucholtz and tells him to leave. Bucholtz looses his whip and snaps it at Ervin’s feet. (Added Action Ervin) Ervin doesn’t move.

(Added Action Albert) Albert swoops in from nowhere, steps between Bucholtz and Ervin. He grabs the braid, and yanks it from Bucholtz hard enough for the handle to land on private property. A thug moves in to grab it. Albert decks him with a one two punch. Albert picks of the whip and winds the braid into a neat roll and returns it to Bucholtz. He looks him in the eye, “This is your second warning. I’m not like my brothers you egotistical maniac. Next time I see your weapon on union property, I’ll wrap it around your God-damned neck.”

(Added Action Bucholtz) Bucholtz backs off, he and his troops leave the area. Livid at the humiliation, he knocks the nearest trooper off his horse and makes him walk to the lock up.

(Added Action Ragman and Albert) Ragman drives his truck down a street of mansions. Albert walks going door to door asking for donations of clothing, quilts, old shoes as relief for the mine families. He places the items into the pickup bed while Ragman waits in the unheated cab. Ragman is ready to leave, Albert wants to finish the street. Ragman announces he’s ready to leave; Albert disagrees. They argue about Lewis failing to provide promised supplies and that he and Albert can’t do it by themselves. Trigger, issues a threat; Albert hops in the pickup.

(Added Action Albert) Albert decides to appeal to Pennsylvania and Ohio Relief, a communist organization. Days later needed supplies appear in Russellton. Albert manages to piss off Union Leaders, his family, the company, and especially Bucholtz.

After Albert leaves the worksite, Bucholtz tricks Ervin inches onto company property. He and his troopers surround the car and arrest him. They move him to the Curtisville lockup. A trooper ties Ervin to beam. Bucholtz lets his whip slice through Ervin’s shirt. When Ervin still shows no fear or reaction, Bucholtz watches the braid slice through the scars on his back. Bucholtz sees the devil in himself, throws down his weapon, and exits the jail.

A trooper cuts Ervin down, helps him to the cell, and punches him in the midsection before throwing him inside.

When Ervin fails to show up at home, Ragman and Albert search for him. They first check the store in Little Italy owned by members of the Black-hand who direct them to check the jail.

Ragman drives to a rail siding. They wait until dark and use a rail hand-car to slip quietly into Curtisville.

Shotgun in hand, Ragman bursts into the lockup with Albert at his side. A fight ensues, but Albert manages to deck all four guards, while Ragman battles with an angry horse guarding the shotgun. Albert locks the guards into the jail, and the brothers escape with Ervin and a deathly ill man sharing his cell.

Back in his quarters, Bucholtz downs a bottle of whiskey and suffers vivid hallucinations before passing out.

FLASHBACK The shell-shocked Herman Von Hundleshausen ends up in a psychiatric hospital. His father visits, claims Herman is not his son, orders him to stay away from the estate, not to contact his mother, and change his name. Herman decides to use Bucholtz, his mother’s maiden name.

After discharge, he travels to the town where Mina and his love child hoping to make a life with them but learns that they died in a house explosion. Crazed Bucholtz gets into a drunken brawl, kills one and injures two. Police arrest him. His grandfather uses his influence for Baldwin-Felts Agency to offer him a job in America, freedom if he accepts. END FLASHBACK

Midpoint Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift:

(Added Action Ragman) Ludie asks Ragman to take care of the boys for two weeks and drive her to New Kensington to visit with her friend Dora Watkins. Puzzled, worried, he eventually complies.

(Added Action Ludie) asks Dora to find her to a mid-wife who does abortions. Ludie returns pale, still bleeding, and feverish. Dora helps the best she can. When Ludie recovers, she peers in the mirror and hates the image of the woman who killed her baby. Ludie chops off her beautiful long hair to look as ugly as she feels.

The injured Ervin gets ill and hospitalized. Albert takes over the Curtisville barracks with Ragman at Harmarville.

Tensions get worse between Ragman and Ludie after her stay with Dora. She is thin, pale, and her hair cut like a patient in a lunatic asylum.

Albert comes down with the flu and unable to work. His mother EMMA gets it next and her husband quarantines in the stable. Ervin begins to recover but dies suddenly during a wheelchair race at the hospital.

Ragman gives up on the Harmarville project and the miners move into the unfinished barracks, some die of exposure including Rosy Gentile. Again, Ragman must deliver bad news to Anthony who now works at union headquarters.

Ragman and Ludie learn that her younger sister Reise is pregnant. Ludie is distressed to learn the trooper Bernard did not rape Reise; instead, it was Bucholtz who seduced and impregnated the girl. Stan sends her to Detroit.

Silence builds between Ragman and Ludie as she sinks ever deeper into depression and him helpless to save her. Frustrated he throws more rocks, and practices with a hunting knife. While dressing a rabbit, he pictures Bucholtz and worries he might kill the bastard if confronted.

Bucholtz encounters a hag at the bus stop and recognizes her as Ludie, no longer beautiful, pale, baggy clothing, sunken dull eyes, and hideous haircut.. He inquires about the child. “There is no child,” she whispers. “I killed it.” He rushes away from the bus, his last hope gone.

Ragman works at Stan’s house when Bernard shows up looking for Reise. He declares his love for the girl and worry. Ragman chastises him for knocking up Reise. Bernard tells him that Bucholtz seduced and impregnated her, prior to raping Ludie.

Triggered, Ragman runs out of the house towards the woods so not to hurt anyone. He settles under a tree, everything falls into place, and he sobs. When calm , Ragman returns and asks Bernard to spy on Bucholtz. He agrees.

Ragman returns home and quick to move his wife and sons to the unfinished house in Springdale, away from Bucholtz.

Executives at Republic Steel call Bucholtz on the carpet and issue a deadline to end the strike by any means. Pressured, he comes up with a brilliant but sadistic plan for revenge and victory.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:

With his family safe in Springdale, Ragman travels to the barracks that night and confronts Bucholtz about raping Ludie and impregnating Reise. Bucholtz gets close to Ragman’s ear and confesses to being the 17th man, his ruined life, and how much he will enjoy the widow Ludie. He bites off Ragman’s earlobe. Ragman releases his hold and Bucholtz chokes him with his whip.

The township constable, RUBE DEMBAUGH, shotgun in hand and backed by several deputies, arrests Ragman before Bucholtz can kill him.

Robbed of his victim, Bucholtz goes bonkers and blunges a scab miner to death in a church cemetery. The next he day blames the murder on the young miners who support the union and arrests them.

Two weeks before a planned union peaceful protest led by Albert against Republic’s use of untrained scab miners, Bernard shows up at Ragman’s house in Springdale.

He informs Ragman about the murder in the cemetery and Bucholtz arriving later at the barracks stark naked in the pouring rain. He also gives Ragman the journal written by Bucholtz documenting details of his plan to use a machine gun to mow down the picket line of men, women, and children, after he first kills Albert.

Overwhelmed, Ragman calls ANTHONY, at union headquarters to ask for help. Ragman thanks Bernard, writes down Reise’s address in Detroit, and gives him enough money to get there.

Anthony arrives an hour later and they devise a rational plan to kill Bucholtz without detection. Anthony reminds Ragman that to pull it off, he will need to redirect his anger into cunning and self-restraint. Anthony’s shares techniques. Ragman has less than two weeks to master control.

The night before the protest Ragman goads Albert into a fight, causing him to relapse, and tells him that Anthony will replace him.

Resolution: April 1, 1928 Russellton No. 1 office of Republic Iron and Steel.

Ragman, disguised, hides in the crowd, his knife ready. The protest remains peaceful until an unsteady Bucholtz roars in on his horse. Pushing turns to shoving. Those on the picket line link arms. Anthony begins singing a solidarity union song. The others join in.

Bucholtz notices the new leader, and the controlled crowd singing union songs. He signals his thugs in the crowd to ramp it up; small fights break out.

Ragman moves in for the kill, but the crowd pushes him too far away. He skirts around the crowd to the hillock across the street.

Bucholtz aims his gun at Anthony, the shot a signal the machine gunner to open fire.

Ragman improvises, grabs a large rock at his feet, and hammers the stone towards Bucholtz; it smashes into his back. Bucholtz’s shot goes wild barely missing the machine gunner. Spooked, the horse rears up and dumps its rider. Hooves bash his head, the body trampled before the frightened beast bolts from the crowd.

Stunned, police, protesters, and new scabs freeze in silence. Ragman slips under the mob, removes his outer clothing, and appears later from a different direction.

Constable Rube Dembaugh moves through the mob to check the body and declares Bucholtz dead. Everyone cheers. Problem solved. Ragman shows up minutes later `and asks a bystander what happened.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s New Outline Beats

Vision: My vision for my success in this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that piecing together outline beats from various points of view and orgainizing it into a clear and readable document challenges the mind like putting together puzzle pieces by finding the best place they will fit.

Title: Ragman’s War

Genre: Action/Drama, based on true events

Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates their community.

Opening: 1917 Battlefield in France, trenches, no man’s land, machine gun nests, mortar launchers.

1. American Sargent watches as a mortar shell explodes near his unit, bodies flying through the air.
He runs to a certain soldier, his brother, checks him out, and leaves him a canteen.
His brother makes him promise to “kill a few of the bastards.” <div>

2. Scouting in the near by woods, he watches a German officer leading his men towards a American position, the16 troops marching eyes front with none looking back.
The American, a sniper scout, during a deafening volley of mortar fire, picks off all the enemy soldiers from rear to front and waits, viewing the officer through his scope.

3. Leutnant Von Hundleshausen (2nd Lieutenant) waves his men forward before he turns, notices no one there, and retraces his steps.
He sees the bodies of his men strewn across the forest floor.

4. The Leutanant opens his arms and begs to be killed and die with honor.
When nothing happens, he puts a pistol to his head, but doesn’t pull the trigger.
He sinks to his knees, begs for death and curls into a fetal position.
The American sniper calls. “Feigling, lebe mit deiner Schande” and moves to another position.

Act 1

Beginning

April 1, 1927 – Russellton No. 2, PA , a mining village owned by Republic Steel.

1. Lunch bucket in hand, RAGMAN, a mine mechanic, kisses his wife LUDIE good-bye and joins other men walking to their shift.

2. The men debate about walking out in solidarity with the United Mine Workers strike.

3. Ragman declares being undecided. His gut tells him the strike will lead to war and he is finished with God, war, and killing. Either way he is out of a job.

4. Reluctant to get involved in the UMW called strike, Ragman walks out with the other men and moves his wife and two boys to his parent’s nearby farm.

5. Ragman visits his baby brother ALBERT, radical ex-marine and banned boxer, working at the Oakland Hotel at Conneaut Lake and gets hired as a groundsman.

6. HIs job lasts one day and 2 hours. The constant carping of the boss triggers Ragman who loses his temper and quits. After a heated debate of being fired or quitting and amount of money owed, the boss pays his wages plus a large bonus for a quick departure.

7. Ragman returns home. He and his father-in-law STAN pull their savings and buy a pick up truck. They decide to start a junk recycling business and become ragmen.

8. Stan continues to live in Russellton with his two youngest children BEN, age seventeen, and RIESE his fifteen year old daughter.

Inciting Incident:

1. An army of Coal and Iron Police, many of them Balwin-Felts, invade the region to break the strike. The brutal Commander, Herr Bucholtz, violently dominates the community.

2. He directs his men to search and confiscate firearms, monitor the train station and the few roads leading into the valley to supress organizers from coming into the town.

3. FLASHBACK: Bucholtz, trained and commissioned as a strike breaker in West Virginia receives a report from one of the detectives and maneuvers the agency to send him to the Russellton coalfields and promises a quick end to the strike. END FLASHBACK

4. Ragman tries to keep his distance from Bucholtz so not to be triggered; but, Bucholtz manages to cross his path. Ragman struggles, but maintains control.

5. Labor Day 1927, Ragman brings Stan and his children to a family picnic at the farm. On the way home, his truck is stopped and the trooper demands to see their ID passes. Ragman almost blows up but Ludie squeezes his arm, and the group get their passes.

6. When they arrive at Stan’s house they find a notice to attached to the house. It states anyone who does not sign a work agreement will be evicted. Stan tears it off and tramples it.

7. After Ludie complains about Bucholtz ogling her and his friendship with Ben, Ragman wonders why Bucholtz shows such an interest in his family.

8. After Stan finds an eviction notice and confiscation of property attached to his house, he asks Ragman to take him to the company office because he pays his rent.

9. Stan talks to the boss at the company office and thinks the problem is resolved. ERVIN, Ragman’s carpenter brother asks Ragman to drive him to the UMW district office in Pittsburgh to talk to Phil Murray.

10. At the office in Pittsburgh Ervin offers his services to teach and direct the building of barracks in Rusellton, the first to face eviction, if the union can provide lumber, nails, and roofing material. Pat Fagan, second in command to Murray, agrees and also asks Ervin if he could do the same for other mining town. Both men shake on the deal.

Turning Point:

1. To stop progress on the barracks building, Buchlotz lures Ervin to company property and savagely whips him. Bucholtz goes bezerk and stirkes repeated blows until Erving falls unconcious. the police leave his body in the mud and cold of the pouring rain.

2. Ragman finds his brother and brings him home. He and his mother clean the wounds until the company doctor DICKEY arrives.

3. Ervin forces Ragman promise to take over and complete the Russellton shelters before the deadline. A reluctant Ragman agrees knowing it will embed him into the union war.

4. Incensed and frustrated, Ragman throws rocks at a line of cans and yells profanities.

ACT 2:

New plan:

Ragman calls Albert home from Conneaut Lake and enlists his help to train the miners and finish the barracks.
Whenever, Bucholtz harasses Ragman to provoke a fight, he heeds his wife’s advice to squeeze his forarm as a reminder to reign in his temper so not to be arrested or killed.

Plan in action:

1. Bucholtz orders his men to sabatague the building site. They confiscate several rolls of tarpaper and roofing nails.

2. Ragman and Albert improvise by collecting nails from local farmers, alternating strips of tar paper, and using cardboard and newspaper covered by tar to fill in the gaps.

3. Bucholz becomes more obcessed with Ludie. The memory of the brutality Ervin’s beating haunts him.

4. Bucholtz receives a letter from his half-brother’s wife and learns that his father killed his mother before committing suicide. With the loss of everything that ever mattered to him, he gets drunk regularly. The alcohol and need for revenge fuel his delusions and desire for Ludie, confusing her with his dead love Mina. Bucholtz devises a plan for revenge and possessing Ludie.

Midpoint Turning Point:

1. Prior to auction day, Ragman helps his father-in-law Stan move to a house on private farm property.

2. Ludie, Reise, and Ben finish packing up the last belongings.

3. Bucholtz lurks nearby with three troopers and waits until Ragman and Stan leave.

4. They burst into the company house. Bucholtz tells two of his men to take the effeminate boy to the wagon road and have fun.

5. He orders the remaining trooper, BERNARD, to take the girl upstairs and enjoy her.

6. Alone with Ludie, Bucholtz pleads for her to love him. When she resists he knocks her unconcious, tenderly removes her clothing, and kisses each part of her before the rape. Afterward, he redresses Ludie and leaves hopeful she will bear his child.

7. Ludie makes Reise swear that they will keep the rapes secret from everyone to keep Ragman and Stan from confronting the madman and possible death.

8. Ragman and Stan return to find an hysterical Ludie and Reise. They cry about the police leading Ben from the house with a noose around his neck.

9. Ragman and Stan find a catatonic Ben, villified by the police. Stan sends the boy to Detroit to live with an older sister.

ACT 3:

Rethink everything:

1. Ragman sells his invention so he can buy his mother’s unfinished house in Springdale, a rivertown in order to move Ludie and his sons away from Russellton.

2. He assigns Albert to protect the recovering Ervin from Bucholtz.

New Plan:

1. Ervin leads the barracks building in Curtisville No. 2.

2. Bucholtz tricks Ervin onto company. He and his troopers surround his car and arrest him.

3. They take him to the Curtisvill lockup. A trooper ties Ervin to beam. Bucholtz lets his whip slice through Ervin’s shirt. When Ervin still shows no fear or reaction, Bucholtz watches the braid slice through the scars on his back. Bucholtz sees the devil in himself, throws down his weapon, and exits the jail.

4. A troope cuts Ervin down, helps him to the cell, and punches him in the midsection before throwing him inside.

5. When Ervin fails to show up at home, Ragman and Albert search for him. They decide to check the jail.

6. Ragman drives to a rail siding. They wait until dark and use a rail hand-car to slip quietly into Curtisville.

7. Shotgun in hand, Ragman brusts into the lockup with Albert at his side. A fight ensues, but Albert manages to deck all three guards. He locks them into the cell and escapes with Ervin and a deathly ill man sharing his cell.

8. Back in his quarters, Bucholtz downs a bottle of whiskey and sufferes vivid hallucinations before passing out.

9. FLASHBACK At wars end the shell-shocked Herman Von Hundleshausen ends up in a psychiatric hospital.

10. His father visits, claims Herman is not his son, orders him to stay away from the estate, not to contact his mother, and change his name. Herman decides to use Bucholtz, his mother’s maiden name.

11. After discharge, he travels to the town where Mina and his love child hoping to make a life with them but learns that they died in a house explosion.

12. Crazed Bucholtz gets into a drunken brawl, kills one and injures 2.

13. Police arrest him. His grandfather uses influence for Baldwin-Felts Agency to offer him a job in America, freedom if he accepts. End FLASHBACK

Midpoint Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift:

1. The injured Ervin takes ill and hospitalized. Albert takes over the Curtisville barracks with Ragman at Hamarville.

2. When Albert comes down with the same flu and unable to work and Ervin dies, Ragman gives up on the Harmarville project and the miners move into the unfinished barracks.

3. Ragman and Ludie learn that her younger sister Reise is pregnant. They send her to Detroit to live with another sister.

4. Tensions build between Ragman and Ludie as she sinks ever deeper into depression.

5. Things get worse after she returns from a two-week stay with her friend Dora. Ludie is thin, pale, and had cut off her lucious long hair.

5. Ragman feels useless to help her, throws more rocks, and practices throwing his hunting knife.

6. He knows if triggered by Bucholtz, he might kill the bastard. He struggles to avoid encounters with the man.

7. Bucholtz encounters a hag at the bus stop and recognizes her as Ludie, no longer beautiful. He confronts her a learns that she aborted the child.

8. Ragman visits Stan and Bernard shows up at the house looking for Reise. He declairs his love for her and worry. Ragman chastises him for knocking up Reise. Bernard tells him that Bucholtz seduced and impregnated her, prior to raping Ludie.

9. Triggered, Ragman runs out of the house towards the woods so not to kill anyone. He settles under a tree and everything falls into place.

10. When calm , Ragman returns and asks Bernard to spy on Bucholtz. Bernard agrees.

11. Ragman returns home and quick to move Ludie and the boys to Springdale, away from Bucholtz.

12. Executives at Republic Steel call Bucholtz on the carpet and issue a deadline to end the strike by any means. Pressured, he comes up with a brilliant but sadistic plan for revenge and victory.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:

1. With his family safe in Springdale, Ragman travels to the barracks that night and confronts Bucholtz about raping Ludie and impregnating Reise. Bucholtz gets close to Ragman’s ear and confesses to being the 17th man and how much he will enjoy widow Ludie. He bites off Ragman’s earlobe, Ragman releases his hold, and Bucholtz chokes him with his whip.

2. The township constable, RUBE DEMBAUGH, shotgun in hand with several deputies, arrests Ragman before Bucholtz kills him.

3. Robbed from killing Ragman, Bucholtz goes bonkers, blungens a scab miner to death in a church cemetery, and blames it on the younger union supporting miners.

4. Two weeks before a planned union peaceful protest led by Albert against Republic’s use of untrained scab miners, Bernard shows up at Ragman’s house in Springdale.

5. He informs Ragman about the murder in the cemetary and Bucholtz arriving later at the barracks stark naked in the pouring rain. He also gives Ragman the journal written by Bucholtz showing details of his plan to use a machine gun to mow down the picket line of men, women, and children, after he first kills Albert.

6. Overwhelmed, Ragman calls his friend ANTHONY, at union headquarters to ask for help. Ragman thanks Bernard, writes down Reise’s address in Detroit, and gives him enough money to get there.

7. Anthony arrives an hour later and they devise a rational plan to kill Bucholtz without detection. Anthony reminds Ragman that to pull it off, he will need to redirect his anger into cunning and self-restraint. Anthony’s shares techniques. Ragman has less than two weeks to master control.

8. The night before the protest Ragman goads Albert into a fight, causing him to relapse, and tells him that Anthony is capable to replace him.

Resolution: April 1, 1928 Russellton No. 1 office of Republic Iron and Steel.

1. Ragman, disguised, hides in the crowd with his knife ready. The protest remains peaceful until an unsteady Bucholtz roars in on his horse. Pushing turns to shoving. Those on the picket line link arms. Anthony begins singing a solidarity song. The others join in.

2. Bucholtz notices the new leader, and the controlled crowd singing union songs. He signals his hidden thugs to ramp it up; small fights break out.

3. Ragman moves in for the kill, but the mob pushes him too far away. Ragman skirts around the group to the hillock accross the street.

4. Bucholtz aims his gun at Anthony, the shot a signal for the machine gunner to open fire.

5. Ragman improvises, grabs a large rock at his feet, and hammers it towards Bucholtz; it smashes into his back. The shot goes wild barely missing the machine gunner. Spooked, the horse rears up and dumps its rider. Hooves bash his head, his body trampled before the frightened beast bolts from the crowd.

6. Stunned, police and protesters freeze in silence. Ragman slips under the mob, removes his outer clothing, and appears later from a different direction.

7. A nearby officer checks on Bucholtz and declairs him dead. Everyone cheers. Problem solved.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Beat Sheet Draft 1

Vision: My vision for my success in this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I Learned: I learned that by using this method of combining previous assignments—4-Act Structure, Protagonist Journey Structure, Antagonist Journey Structure, Deeper Layer, and Genre Conventions— that although many items overlap I see the sequencing of this first draft along with alternate points of view.

Title: Ragman’s War

Genre: Action/Drama, based on a true story

Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates their community.

Act 1:

Opening: 1917 Battlefield in France, American soldier sees a mortar blow up his brother. (Deeper Layer) He picks off 16 enemy soldiers but leaves the 17th man, their officer, remain alive. Watches the man’s reaction through his scope.

Sniper PJ1: American sniper watches a morter shell explode near his brother, checks on him, leaves a canteen, and promises to kill a few of the bastards. Scouting a near by woods he sniper kills 16 German soldiers following their leader but lets the officer live.

Bucholtz AJ1: Leutnant Bucholtz (2nd Lieutenant) leads his command through the woods during the height of battle nearby. He turns around and sees his troops bodies across the forest floor. The officer begs for death, to die with honor. He attempts suicide but can’t do it. (Deeper Layer) Instead, he must live with his disgrace, and his life goes downhill.

Beginning: Ten years later, Ragman, debates walking out with the other miners in solidarity with a UMWA called strike. His gut tells him the strike will lead to war, and he is done with God,war, and killing. Either way he is out of a job.

Ragman PJ 2: Reluctant to get involved in the UMW called strike, he walks out with the other men, moves to his parent’s nearby farm, purchases a pickup truck, and starts a junk recycling business with his father-in-law.

Bucholtz AJ2: At wars end the shell-shocked Leutnant Bucholtz ends up in a psychiatric hospital. When his titled `father visits, he claims the man is not his son. His privilege orders him to stay away from the estate, not to contact his mother, and change his name. Months later, after discharge, he finds the town where Mina and his love child live to make a life with them. When he learns that they died in a house explosion, Bucholtz gets into a drunken brawl, and the police arrest him for murder. His father uses his privilege to get Baldwin-Felts Agency to offer him a job in America and freedom if he accepts the offer.

Inciting Incident: An army of Coal and Iron Police invade the town and the brutal Commander, Bucholtz, violently dominates the community. (Surface Layer). Bucholtz and his men harass (Hint) Ragman. (Influences Surface Story)

Ragman PJ 3: Ragman, mine mechanic and WWI hero can’t figure out why the police commander targets his family for abuse. (Hint)

Bucholtz AJ4: (Influences Surface Story) Bucholtz, trained and commissioned as a strike breaker in West Virginia uses the detective agency to locate the American soldier who ruined his life. He maneuvers the agency (Hint) to send him to the Russellton coalfields. Bent on bringing the strike to a quick end, Bucholtz violently dominates the community, especially (Hint) Ragman and his brother involved with the union.

Turning Point: Buchlotz savagely whips Ragman’s brother, a carpenter who leads the miners with building barracks. Ragman promises to take over and complete the project that will embed him into the union war.

Ragman PJ5: After Ragman’s brother Ervin, a carpenter, is whipped by Bucholtz to stop progress on the building of union barracks, he promises to finish the project before the evictions. Incensed, (Influences Surface Story) Ragman throws rocks at a line of cans and yells profanities.

Bucholtz AJ6: Bucholtz learns that his father killed his mother before committing suicide. With the loss of everything that ever mattered to him, he focuses on revenge and gets drunk regularly. Bucholtz orders his mole to lure Ervin, the carpenter building barracks, to company property. Ervin refuses to fight back when threatened. Bucholtz removes a whip from his belt and cracks it across Ervin’s back. (Influences Surface Story) After several more bloody lashes when the man continues to absorb the pain and humiliation, Bucholtz goes berserk with repeated lashes until Ervin falls unconscious.

ACT 2:

New plan: Ragman enlists his radical younger brother Albert, ex-Marine boxing champ, to help finish the barracks. Whenever, Bucholtz harasses Ragman to provoke a fight, he heeds his wife’s advice to reign in his temper so not to be arrested or killed. (Influences Surface Story)

Bucholtz AJ7: Bucholtz orders his men to sabatague the building site.

Plan in action: After Bucholtz confiscates tarpaper rolls and other supplies, Ragman and Albert improvise to finish the housing on time.

Bucholtz AJ8: Alcohol and revenge fuel Bucholtz’s delusions and desire for Ragman’s wife Ludie, confusing her with his beloved Mina. He devises a plan for both revenge and possessing Ludie.

Midpoint Turning Point:

(Influences Surface Story) Bucholtz’s men to brutalize the younger brother of Ludie. Another trooper drags Ludie’s younger sister upstairs for sex. Bucholtz rapes Ludie. The women cover up the attack but Ludie becomes depressed.

Ragman PJ5: Near eviction day, Ragman helps his father-in-law Stan move to a house on a nearby farm while Ludie and her sister and brother pack. Upon his return, Ragman finds a hysterical Ludie and Reise (sister-in-law). They cry about the police leading their brother from the house with a noose around his neck. Ragman finds a catatonic Ben, vilified by the police.

Bucholtz AJ7: He waits until Ludie, her younger sister, and the girly brother are alone in the company house. He orders his men to take the boy up the road to brutalize him. He tells the remaining trooper to take the sister upstairs and enjoy her. Alone with Ludie, Bucholtz pleads for her to love him. When she resists, knocks her unconscious, tenderly removes her clothing, and kisses each part before he rapes her. Afterward, he redresses Lu and leaves, hopeful that she will bear his child.

ACT 3:

Rethink everything: Ragman helps Ludie’s father rent a house on a nearby farm and sells his invention so he can move Ludie and his sons away from Russellton. The carpenter recovers and leads barracks building in another town.

New Plan: Ervin recovers and leads the barracks building in a nearby town. Bucholtz arrests the carpenter on company property, whips him, and throws him in jail. Ragman and Albert break him out. Two weeks later he dies from flu and injury complications.

Ragman PJ 6: When Ervin doesn’t come home from work, Ragman and Albert search for him. They find the injured Ervin sharing a cell with a deathly ill man. They take on the jailers and escape with both prisoners.

Bucholtz AJ 8: Bucholtz lures the recovered Ervin onto company property, arrests him, and takes him to the lockup. When the man still does not resist his whipping, Bucholtz sees the devil, throws down his weapon, and exits the jail. In his quarters, he drinks a bottle of scotch and suffers vivid hallucinations before he passes out.

Midpoint Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift:

Ervin gets sick. Albert takes over and finishes the Curtisville barracks before he becomes and unable to work. Ragman gives up on the Harmarville project and miners move into unfinished barracks, some die.

Ragman and Ludie learn that her younger sister Reise is pregnant. They send her to Detroit to live with another sister. Ragman learns that Bucholtz raped Ludie.

Ragman PJ 7: Tensions build between Ragman and Ludie as she sinks ever deeper into depression. Things get worse after she returns from a two-week stay with her friend Dora. Ludie is thin, pale, and cut off her long hair. Ragman feels useless to help her. He throws more rocks (Influences Surface Story) and struggles to avoid encounters with Bucholtz.

Ragman PJ 8: Bernard, the young trooper ordered to rape Reise, Ludie’s younger sister, shows up at Stan’s house looking for her. He declares his love. (Major Reveal) Ragman chastises him for knocking up the girl, and learns Bucholtz is the father and raped Ludie. Ragman loses all control and runs out of the house. When calm, he returns and asks Bernard to spy on Bucholtz.

He moves his wife and sons to a river town far away from Russellton.

Bucholtz AJ9:

Months after the rape, Bucholtz encounters a hag at the bus stop and recognizes her as Ludie, no longer beautiful. When confronted she tells him that she killed the child, his last hope.

The company executives at Republic Steel call him on the carpet and issue a deadline to end the strike by any means. Pressured, Bucholtz comes up with a brilliant plan of revenge and victory. When Ragman’s brother leads the picket line, he will shoot the brother first to signal the hidden machine gunner to open fire on the crowd. Problem solved.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:

Ragman confronts Bucholtz about impregnating his sister-in-law and Ludie’s rape. (Major Reveal) Bucholtz confesses to being the 17th man and bites off Ragman’s earlobe. The township constable arrests Ragman before Bucholtz can kill him.

Two weeks before the protest, Bernard shows up at Ragman’s door and gives him a journal written by Bucholtz with a plan to use a machine gun to mow down the picket line. Albert trains the pickets on peaceful protest; but Ragman decides to replace him.

Ragman PJ 9: Ragman calls union headquarters to ask for help. Anthony arrives, and the two devise a plan to kill Bucholtz and not get caught. With Anthony’s help Ragman discovers ways to redirect his anger into cunning and self-restraint in \order to kill the Commander.

Bucholtz AJ10:

Ragman confronts him at the barracks. Bucholtz tortures him by confessing to being the 17th man (Major Reveal), giving details of possessing Ludie and impregnating her. When Ragman grabs him, Bucholtz bites off his ear and puts him into a choke hold. The township constable intervenes and robs him of his kill. Bucholtz goes berserk, bludgeons and kills a scab chased by the Breaker Boys and blames it on the gang members.

Resolution:

Ragman, disguised, hides in the crowd his knife ready. An unsteady Bucholtz roars in on his horse as the crowd pushes Ragman away. Bucholtz aims his gun at Anthony, the shot a signal to open fire.

Ragman grabs a rock and throws it at Bucholtz. The gun goes off barely missing the machine gunner. The frightened the horse dumps Bucholtz, tramples him, and bolts away through the crowd. Shocked, police and protesters freeze in silence. Ragman slips out of his outer clothing undetected. The crowd cheers; Bucholtz is dead. Problem solved.

Ragman PJ10:

Ragman goads Albert into a fight, causing him to relapse, and replaces him with Anthony. The protest remains peaceful until Bucholtz arrives. Ragman moves in for the kill, but the crowd pushes him far away. He improvises, and hammers a stone towards Bucholtz. Ragman slips out of his outer clothes and into the crowd. Shocked, everyone remains silent. Ragman appears later to ask what happened.

Bucholtz AJ11: He storms into the protest and notices a new leader, the controlled crowd singing union songs. He aims his gun at the leader, a thump on his back unsteadiness his shot, he misses, the horse dumps him, bashes his head with its hooves, and he dies.

Deeper Layer: Ragman killed sixteen enemy soldiers but left the leader, the 17th man, live, a big mistake that only he can correct.

Changes Reality: The discovery changes the audience’s understanding of the motivation for Bucholtz’s ever-increasing attempts to trigger Ragman into a violent confrontation. It also explains why Ragman decides it has to be HIM to kill Bucholtz and save the mine families from being massacred.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Deeper Layer.

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

I learned from this assignment is that using this method provides for subliminal perception through hints of what’s lurking below the surface that provide an aha payoff when revealed.

Ragman’s War

Surface Layer: Ragman, mine mechanic and WWI hero can’t figure out why the coal and iron police commander targets his family for abuse.

Deeper Layer: Ragman killed sixteen enemy soldiers but left the leader, the 17th man, live, a big mistake.

Major Reveal: The big reveal comes when Ragman confronts Bucholtz about impregnating his sister-in-law and Ludie’s rape. Bucholtz confesses to being the 17th man just before he bites off Ragman’s earlobe.

Influences Surface Story: When Ragman’s sniper fire picks off 16 enemy soldiers following their officer but not their leader. The triggers for Ragman’s anger. A Baldwin-Felts agent, Herman (Herr) Bucholtz, commands the Coal and Iron police that invade Russellton and inquires about a war hero living there. Bucholtz shows interest in Ludie’s brother to gain information.

Hints: Bucholtz confronts Ragman for no apparent reason. Bucholtz leaves Ragman’s brother Ervin for dead after whipping him. Bucholtz stalks Ludie and seduces her younger sister. He vilifies Ludie’s brother and orders him tortured. Bucholtz desires Ragman’s wife, rapes her, and lures Ervin onto company property to arrest him and endure one more beating.

Changes Reality: The discovery changes the audience’s understanding of the motivation for Bucholtz’s ever-increasing attempts to trigger Ragman using brutality against his family members. It also explains why Ragman decides it has to be him to kill Bucholtz to save the mine families from being massacred, his need to correct an old mistake.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Character Structure

Vision: My success in this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

I learned from this assignment that it takes a bit of thought to see the story from each point of view, meshing the characters together like working on a crossword puzzle.

Protagonist: Ragman

Opening:

1917, Battlefield in France.

A sharpshooter (sniper), Ragman sees his brother hit by mortar fire. He comforts his brother, leaves him a canteen, and promises his brother the kill a few of the bastards. Separated from his unit, Ragman sniper kills 16 German soldiers but leaves the 17th man, the officer, remain alive.

Beginning:

Reluctant to walk out with the other men at his captive mine in solidarity with the United Mine Workers called strike, Ragman joins the others, moves out of the company house, purchases a pickup truck, and starts a junk recycling business.

Inciting incident:

Coal and Iron Police, led by Herr Bucholtz, invade the mining town. After Ragman’s brother Ervin, a carpenter, is whipped by Bucholtz to stop progress on the building of union barracks and promises to finish the project before the evictions. Incensed, Ragman throws rocks at a line of cans and yells profanities.

Turning Point 1:

Ragman enlists his baby brother Albert to aid him with the barracks project. Bucholtz views the progress from afar and desires Ragman’s wife. Near eviction day, Ragman helps his father-in-law Stan move to a house on a nearby farm while Ludie and her sister and brother pack. Upon his return, Ragman finds a hysterical Ludie and Reise (sister-in-law). They cry about the police leading their brother from the house with a noose around his neck. Ragman finds a catatonic Ben, vilified by the police.

Act 2:

Ervin recovers and leads the barracks building in a nearby town. Bucholtz conspires to lure him onto company property, arrests him, and take him to the lockup. Ragman and Albert find the injured Ervin sharing a cell with a deathly ill man and break them out of jail.

Turning Point/ Midpoint:

Tensions build between Ragman and Ludie as she sinks ever deeper into depression. Things get worse after she returns from a two-week stay with her friend Dora in the city with her long hair whacked off. He feels helpless to help her.

Ragman and Albert rescue Ervin from jail, take him to the hospital, and he dies. Ragman throws more rocks and struggles to avoid encounters with Bucholtz.

Act 3:

Ragman visits Stan and encounters a young man, Bernard, looking for the pregnant Reise, who her father sent to Detroit. Ragman loses his temper and accuses him of knocking up the girl. He learns it was Bucholtz who also raped Ludie. Ragman loses all control. Once calm, he asks Bernard to spy on Bucholtz.

Turning Point 3:

Albert recovers and organizes the miners for a mass protest and teaches passive resistance methods to keep them safe. Ragman tells him to stop to give time for his heart to recover. Ragman confronts Bucholtz, who confesses to Ludie’s rape and claims to be the 17th man, the one left alive. Bucholtz bites off Ragman’s ear and attempts to choke him. Rube Dembaugh, the township constable, shows up and arrests Ragman.

Act 4 Climax:

Two weeks before the protest, Bernard shows up at Ragman’s door with evidence that Bucholtz is insane. He gives Ragman a journal written by Bucholtz with a plan to use a Gatling gun to mow down the picket line. Ragman calls union headquarters to ask for help. Anthony arrives, and the two devise a plan to kill Bucholtz and not get caught.

Resolution:

Ragman goads Albert into a fight, causing him to relapse, and replaces him with Anthony. The protest remains peaceful until Bucholtz arrives. Ragman moves in for the kill, but the crowd pushes him far away. He picks up a stone and hammers it towards Bucholtz but hits the horse, who rears up, dumps his rider, and flails hooves at his rider’s head. Ragman slips out of his outer clothes and the crowd. Shocked, everyone remains silent. Ragman appears later to ask what happened.

Antagonist: Bucholtz

Opening:

1917, Battlefield in France.

A German officer leads his command through the woods during the height of battle. He turns around and sees his troops dead on the ground. The officer begs for death, to die with honor. Instead, he must live with his disgrace, and his life goes downhill.

Beginning:

The shell-shocked officer ends up in a psychiatric hospital. When his father visits, he claims the man is not his son. His father orders him to stay away from the estate, not to contact his mother, and change his name. Months later, after discharge, he travels to the town where his fiancé and love child live. He learns that they died in a house explosion, gets into a drunken brawl, and the police arrest him for murder.

Inciting incident:

The prisoner’s father pulls strings, and Baldwin-Felts Agency offers him a job in America and freedom if he accepts the offer. He is trained and commissioned as a strike breaker in West Virginia.

Turning Point 1:

Bucholtz uses the detective agency to locate the American soldier who let him live and learns his location. He then maneuvers the agency to send him to the Russellton coalfields.

Act 2:

Bucholtz arrives in town to break the strike and find his adversary. Bent on bringing the strike to a quick end, Bucholtz violently dominates the community, especially Ragman’s family involved with the union. Bucholtz ogles Ragman’s wife as she reminds him of his beloved Mina. He receives a letter from his half-brother Hans that their father killed Bucholtz’s mother before committing suicide. Understanding that he lost everything that mattered to him, he gets drunk.

Turning Point/ Midpoint:

Bucholtz orders his mole to lure Ervin, the carpenter, to company property. Once captured and he refuses to fight back, Bucholtz orders the prisoner tied to a car. Bucholtz removes a whip from his belt and threatens what he will do. When Ervin still refuses to fight, Bucholtz cracks it across his back. After several more bloody lashes when the man continues to absorb the pain and humiliation. Bucholtz goes berserk with repeated lashes until Ervin falls unconscious. Haunted by his brutality (like his father), Bucholtz becomes ever more erratic.

Act 3:

Bucholtz waits until Ludie, her younger sister, and her girly brother are alone in the company house. He orders his men to take the boy up the road to brutalize him and the remaining trooper to take the sister upstairs and enjoy her. He pleads for Ludie to love him and, when she resists, knocks her unconscious. He tenderly removes her clothing, kissing each part before he rapes her. Afterward, he redresses her and leaves, hopeful that she will bear his child. Months later, he encounters a hag at the bus stop and recognizes her as Ludie, no longer beautiful.

Turning Point 3:

Bucholtz learns that she killed his child, his last hope. He lures the recovered Ervin back onto company property, arrests him, and takes him to the lockup. When the man still does not resist his whipping, Bucholtz sees the devil, throws down his weapon, and exits the jail. In his quarters, he drinks a bottle of scotch and suffers hallucinations before he passes out.

Act 4 Climax:

Ragman confronts him at the barracks. He tortures him by confessing to being the 17th man, giving details of possessing Ludie and impregnating her. When Ragman grabs him, Bucholtz bites off his ear and puts him into a choke hold. The township constable intervenes and robs him of his kill.

Resolution:

The company executives at Republic Steel call him on the carpet for his failure and issue a deadline. Pressured, Bucholtz comes up with a brilliant plan of revenge and victory. When Ragman’s brother leads the picket line of men, women, and children, he will shoot the brother first to signal the hidden Gatling gun to open fire on the crowd. Problem solved. He storms into the protest and notices a new leader, the controlled crowd singing union songs, and yells at the thugs infiltrated into the protesters to attack. He aims his gun at the leader, a thump on his back unsteadiness his shot, the horse dumps him, bashes his head with his hooves. Bucholtz dies.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Supporting Characters

Vision: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that Support Characters need to do just that, support the main characters, the story, and the concept.

Supporting Characters

Support 1:

Name: Ervin
Role: Ragman’s brother
Main purpose: He gets Ragman involved in building barracks. His death deeply affects Ragman.
Value: Ervin gets Ragman involved with the strike. His arrest prompts Ragman to bust him out of jail and incites Bucholtz’ wrath. His death pushes Ragman to a confrontation.

Support 2:

Name: Albert
Role: Ragman’s radical youngest brother.
Main purpose: To aide Ragman in protecting Ervin and breaking him out of jail.
Value: His work with organizing the miners protest inspires Bucholtz’s plan to kill him and the others. When Ragman learns the plan, he knows he must kill Bucholtz.

Support 3:

Name: Betts
Role: The love object of Ervin and Albert.
Main purpose: Ragman worries that the romantic triangle will cause more problems for the family.
Value: After Ervin’s funeral Ragman brings Betts to visit a very sick Albert. He hands Betts a letter addressed to her from Ervin where he shares his interest in a young nurse at the hospital, mentions the value of their friendship, and frees her and Albert to pursue their romance. Betts stays a few days to take care of Emma (also sick) and Albert. Near death, Albert recovers with hope for a future.

Support 4:

Name: Stan Walasky
Role: Ragman’s father-in-law and business partner.
Main purpose: Sounding board for Ragman. Their conversations move the story along.
Value: Ragman and Ervin accompany Stan to mine office to complain about eviction notice when he paid his rent every month. This motivates Ervin to offer his talents to the union to teach the mine families on how to build their own shelters. Bucholtz whips Ervin to near death to stop his project. Ervin asks Ragman to finish the project, thus involving him in the union fight, something vowed not to do.

Support 5:

Name: Riese Walasky
Role: Ludie’s 14 year old sister
Main purpose: To share her sister’s secret of the rapes.
Value: Ragman confronts Bernard, Riese’s boyfriend about the girls pregnancy and learns that Bucholtz raped Ludie.

Support 6:

Name: Ben Walasky
Role: Ludie’s younger brother
Main purpose: Provides an excuse for Ludie’s depression. His crush on Bucholtz provides and excuse to attack the family.
Value: The day Bucholtz’s thugs vilified Ben, Bucholtz raped Ludie, and ordered Bernard to rape Riese. The women blamed their hysteria on their concern for Ben.
Ragman confronts Bernard, Riese’s boyfriend about the girls pregnancy and learns that Bucholtz raped Ludie.

Support 7:

Name: Emma
Role:n Ragman’s Mother
Main purpose: Someone to seek for advice and comfort.
Value: Emma sells Ragman the dream house being built in a river town so he can get Ludie to a safe modern home far away from Bucholtz.

Support 8:

Name: Anthony Gentile
Role: His parents lived next to Ragman and after their death, Anthony quit engineering school to work at union headquarters.
Main purpose: Serve as a co-conspirator and backup.
Value: Ragman asks Anthony for help to stop Bucholtz. Together they plot to kill Bucholtz before he can massacre the mine families.

Support 9:

Name: Rube Dembaugh
Role: Township Counstible, the law in the township except on private company property.
Main purpose: To warn Ragman to control his temper.
Value: Rube arrests Ragman to save from being strangled by Bucholtz.

Support 10:

Name: Dr. Dickey
Role: Company Doctor
Main purpose: To keep Ervin out of the hospital. Advises Ragman and Albert.
Value: He makes house call and advises Emma on how to care for her son so not to send him to the hospital.

Background Characters:

Second in Command of Coal and Iron Police
Coal miners
Miners’ wives
Clerk in Mine Office
Clerk’s Boss
Secretary at United Mine Workers dristric office.
P.T. Fagan, assistant to Phil Murray, second in command to John L. Lewis.
Coal and Iron Police
Mrs. Branzet
Louie Branzet
Breaker Boys
Trevellini
Mrs. Gentile
Tony Gentile
Simonetti
Speaker at Union Meeting
Company Mole
Priest

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Character Profiles Part 2

Vision: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that by answering these questions I am able to dig deeper in to each character and make new discoveries.

High Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates the mining community. <div>

Character Journey:

Ragman

– A survivor and hero of WWI, he struggles to hide his PTSD but learns to control it in order to carry out a plot to execute Bucholtz, commander of the coal and iron police who brutally dominates the mining community.

Bucholtz

– A disgraced German officer, Bucholtz hides his identity to weasel command of the coal and iron police in the Russellton coal fields in order to extract revenge on the American soldier (Ragman) who ruined his life by letting him live.

C. Actor Attractors:

Ragman

– A flawed hero who acts tough, hates God, yet instinctive in doing the right thing.

Bucholtz

– He loves power and uses violence to dominate the mining community but descends into drunken insanity when his plans fail to produce intended results.

7. Character Subtext:

Ragman

– Withholds joining the union fight because of his wound.

Bucholtz

He uses politeness to hide his brutal side and to lure people into his traps.</div><div>

8. Character Intrigue:

Ragman

– Unspoken wound, moral injury from his sixteen sniper kills.

Bucholtz

– Bucholtz’s unspoken wound, not being able to die with honor in battle, triggers his hidden agenda for revenge against Ragman by targeting his family for ruin, violence, and death.

9. Flaw:

Ragman

– The fear of his black rage and ability to kill.

Bucholtz

– Overconfidence and inability to accept failure.</div><div>

10. Values

Ragman

– Family, duty, and people’s lives.

Bucholtz

– Appearances, Duty, Power, Winning</div><div>

11. Character Dilemma:

Ragman

– He vows never to kill again, yet forced to murder Bucholtz to save the lives of people he cares about. If he gets caught, he will die.

Bucholtz

– He decides that the only way to win accolades from his bosses while making Ragman suffer is to break the strike through shock, the massacre of the men, women, and children working the picket line.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Character Profiles Part 1

Vision: My success from this program will lead me to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is to dig deeper into the character’s phyche to determine their reactions to the events and situations they face and use that as a guide for action and dialog when writing the script.

Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates the mining community.

Ragman:

Role in the Story: Protagonist and WWI hero, done with conflict and killing, but forced to execute the commander of the coal and iron police who dominates the mining community to save men, women, and children working the picket line. <div>

Age range and Description: Mid-thirties, Germanic rugged good looks, average height, stocky build, well muscled, walks with a comfortable confident stride.

Core Traits: Cantankerous, brave, vigilant, problem solver, haunted.

Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to put the horrors of war behind him and the killing, but needs to assassinate Bucholtz save his friends and neighbors.

Wound: He joined the army to protect his brother but failed to save him. Survivor’s guilt. Haunted by his heartless elimination of 16 enemy soldiers yet leaving their cowardly commander remain alive.

Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: Despite his gruff appearance, he interacts well with others in his town, loves his wife, family, and helpful to his neighbors.

Relateability: His instinct to protect those he cares about. He uses gruffness to mask his vulnerabilities and avoid confrontations that trigger his anger.

Empathy: His helplessness to save Ervin from Bucholtz and Ludie from deep depression. When he makes the decision to exterminate Bucholtz and forced to ask for help in planning the murder.

<div>

Bucholtz:

Role in the Story: Antagonist, rabid coal and iron police commander who violently dominates the mining community. </div>

Age range and Description: Mid-thirties, handsome Germanic looks, muscular body (works hard to maintain), neat appearance under base living conditions, able to display impeccable manners of the Prussian aristocracy.

Core Traits: cultivated, sociopath, manipulative, brutal, haunted
Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to end the strike to prove his ability to his superiors. Needs to fulfill his obcession to possess Ragman’s wife Ludie.

Wound: The loss of Lena and his son. Self loathing for being a weak coward. His father’s constant rejection.

Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: His tenderness in flashbacks towards Lena and respect for his mother. He knocks Ludie unconscious but then removes and folds her clothing one piece at a time.

Relatability: Mistreatment (shown in flashbacks) by his father. Falling short of the high expectations by his family. Bucholz looks into a mirror and sees the face of his detestable father.

Empathy: When he moans “please pretend to love me” before “raping” the unconcious Ludie. In flashback when he learns Lena and his son died in an explosion. When his father declares “this man is not my son,” and forbids him from using the family name, visiting the estate, or contacting his mother. His pain after Ludie tells him that she killed his child.

<div>

Ludie:

Role in the Story: Ragman’s wife and Buchotz’s obcession </div>

Age range and Description: Late twenties, petite, pretty with rich long brown hair and unususal green eyes, good natured.

Core Traits: Nurturing, brave, protective, practical

Motivation; Want/Need: Wants help her husband control his anger to keep him alive. Needs his love and strength to get through her depression.

Wound: The rape by Buchultz, ending the pregnancy, inability to save her younger brother and sister from Bucholtz’s savagery.

Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: Her family loves her, the neigbors enjoy her company, kindness, and can do nature. She is smart and fun, loves to banter and flirt with her husband.

Relatability: After the death of her mother, Ludie helps care for her father and younger siblings. She gets along well with her mother-in-law. She intervenes whenever someone tries to trigger her husband’s anger. Not afraid to speak her mind. Her guilt from the rape and abortion change her demeaner as well as her appearance.

Empathy: The pain from the day she and her brother and sister were attacked. How she puts aside her own pain to comfort her young sister after their rapes. When she and her sister hide the attacks from their father and Ragman so they don’t go after Bucholtz and get shot. Ludie feels grief, guilt, and pain after the abortion, and wacks off her beautiful hair. Empathy for her internal emotions as we see her freeze with fear and sink into ever deeper depression.

</div>

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca”s Liability/Relatability/ Empathy

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this is that evaluation and creativity can add depth to each character. The trick is defining good and evil and knowing that a percentage of each exists in everyone. Interesting characters are neither all good or all bad and a bit quirky.

Protagonist: Ragman

Likability: Despite acting a grumpy bad-ass, he helps his family, friends, and and neighbors. He interactions with his wife. His friendship with his father-in-law. Stepping in to complete building the barracks after his brother is beaten. <div>

Relatability: Losing his job. Being harassed by an idiot boss. Making arrangements to provide for his family. Protecting his wife, brother, and the mine families. Seeking advice from his mother in making decisions. Arguments with his radical brother.

Empathy: Seeing his older brother blown up in battle. The moral injury he suffers from killing men during the war. His saddness when his brother, the carpenter, dies. Being helpless to understand or help his wife during her depression. His anger and frustration when he learns that Bucholtz raped his wife.

Antagonist: Bucholtz

Likability: His tenderness in flashbacks towards Lena and respect for his mother. He knocks Ludie unconscious but then removes and folds her clothing one piece at a time, gently kisses each part, and moans “please pretend to love me” before “taking” her. </div><div>

Relatability: Mistreatment (shown in flashbacks) by his father. The high expectations by his family. Disgrace in his father’s eyes for not killing himself during battle for failure to protect his troops. Self loathing for being a weak coward. Bucholtz looks into a mirror and sees the face of his father. Bucholtz’s transformation from suave, neat, in charge, to drunkenness and delusional insanity.

Empathy: When his father declares “this man is not my son.” When his father forbids him from using the family name, visiting the family estate, or contacting his mother. The guilt he feels when he sees Ludie looking like an old hag. His pain when Ludie tells him that she killed their child.

Triangle Character: Ludie

Likability: Devoted to her husband. Close with her mother-in-law. Pleasant disposition. Likes to flirt with her husband and knows how to calm him. </div>

Relatability: Worries about her husband losing control and getting hurt. She shows concern for her father, younger brother, and baby sister. She’s practical and sometimes outspoken. Accepting and protective of her effeminate brother. Enjoys gossip. Maintaining silence about the rape to protect her husband.

Empathy: Her brother is vilafied by the coal and iron police and sent away for his protection. She is stalked and raped by Bucholtz but holds it inside. Makes a difficult decision to abort the child. The abortion leaves her unable to have more children. She sinks into deep depression but can’t tell anyone the reason. Her shock when she learns that Bucholtz seduced her young sister and impregnated her.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle’s Character Intrigue

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is that I discovered several traits in my characters that never occured to me before. Interesting!

Title: Ragman’s War

Character Name: Ragman

Role: Protagonist <div>

Hidden agendas: Needs to kill Bucholtz

Competition:

Conspiracies: Conspires with Anthony to kill Bucholtz using Anthony as backup if he should fail.

Secrets: Ragman killed 16 soldiers but left the officer remain alive.

Deception: Pretends he doesn’t know that Bucholtz raped his wife

Unspoken Wound: The horrors of war and his moral injury

Secret Identity: A pacifist who hates God, War, the Union, and the executioner within himself.

Character Name: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;”>Bucholtz

<div>

Role: antagonist

Hidden agendas: Revenge against Ragman for ruining his life.

Competition: His delusional competing with Ragman to own Ludie.

Conspiracies: Killing Ragman’s radical brother before opening fire on the mine families.

Secrets: That he believes that Ludie is really Mina. That he can no longer control his delusions.
Deception: That he has no connection to Ragman.

Unspoken Wound: That Ludie killed his baby. That he is a worst monster than his father.

Secret Identity: The German officer that Ragman let live instead of killing him in battle.

Character Name: Ludie

Role: Triangle Character, Ragman’s Wife

Hidden agendas: To keep Ragman’s anger controlled to keep the coal and iron police from killing him.

Competition:
Conspiracies: She conspires with her much younger sister to keep their rapes secret.

Secrets: The rape and abortion

Deception: Hiding her pregnancy by claiming her symptoms to be from a fall and her depression from stress.

Unspoken Wound: Knowing she murdered her unborn child because it might have belonged to Bucholtz, a monster.

Secret Identity: A baby killer hidden under the cloak of a loving wife and mother.

</div></div>

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Subtext Characters

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is by adding a few more subtext (human fraility) traits for my characters I can notch up their interactions through use of dialog and action.

Movie Title: The Irishman <div>

Character Name: Frank Sheeran

Subtext Identity: A congenial hitman for the Italian mafia.
Subtext Trait: crafty, detached, unremorseful

Subtext Logline: Frank Sheeran is a cunning hitman able to emotionally detach from the victims he kills.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Shows his expertise through well planned, quick, and deadly hits. Shows no remorse weather his hit is friend or foe. Despite being Hoffa’s bodyguard and best friend, Frank kills him when ordered.

Movie Title: Ragman’s War

Character Name: Ragman </div>

Subtext Identity: A war hero who struggles to hide his battle fatigue.

Subtext Trait: vigilent, combative, evasive

Subtext Logline: Ragman, a war hero, manages to control his dark rage until the commander of the invading coal and iron police brutally dominates his town.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Ragman throws rocks at targets to control his anger. He sets his jaw so not to explode. He grumps at those he loves. Decides to kill Bucholtz, the commander. Griped by dark rage yet confronts Bucholtz.

Character Name: Bucholtz

Subtext Identity: Commander of the coal and iron police to end the strike in Russellton by any means.

Subtext Trait: revengeful, brutal, cunning, manipulative

Subtext Logline: Bucholtz, a disgraced German officer, hides his identity to weasel his way to command the coal and iron police to extract revenge on the American soldier who ruined his life.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Bucholtz hides his connection to Ragman. He stalks Ragman’s pacifist brother Ervin, brutally whips him, and leaves him to die in the cold rain. He masks his desire to “have” Ragman’s wife, Ludie and seduces her young sister. When Ragman refuses to fight him, Bucholtz gives into his desire and rapes Ludie. He becomes undone during a second encounter with Ervin because the man still will not fight back and decends deeper in to drink and insanity. When Ragman confronts Bucholtz, the commander is seconds from revenge until the Township Counstible intervenes and arrests Ragman.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Actor Attractors

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned for this assignment is to build on the last assignment by applying the same conventions to the characters in my script. The empowerment worked so well I did the same with all of my main chacters. This template really gets the creative juices flowing.

Title: Ragman’s War

Lead Character Name: Ragman

Role: Protagonist

Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? He is a flawed hero who acts tough, hates God, yet unintentional in doing the right thing. He vows never to kill again, yet decides to murder Bucholtz to correct and old mistake.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? He is multifacited, unpredictible, yet smart and cunning. Some call him Firedamp (methane, forming an explosive mixture with air in coal mines) you never know when he will erupt or how big the explosion will be.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? Explodes at a boss and chases him around a tree, intimidates those he fears including himself. Suffers moral injury from killing 16 men during the war yet regrets leaving one remain alive. Must fight the compulsion to bash heads and kill when triggered. He throws rocks at targets to wear off angry agression so not to hurt anyone. Loves his wife, sons, and mother, but irritated by most everyone else.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? He is introduced on the battlefield, watches his brother blown up, leaves him a canteen, and vows to kill a few of the sonsabitches, picks off 16 enemy soldiers but lets the officer remain alive.

5. What is this character’s emotional range? Complex. From tender to explosive, detached and cunning, adds humor to biting scarasm, a born stoyteller.

6. What subtext can the actor play? His efforts to control a compulsion to kill when he blows up. When hurt cuts deep he manages to appear indifferent despite the minute movement of his facial muscles. He uses harsh comments to mask emotions and push people away.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? The one with Bucholtz. Both men are haunted by the horrors of war. The relationship with his brothers runs from disagreeable to protective.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? He can be crusty but polite except when triggered and his language would make a sailor blush. Ragman loves stories and his speech tainted with earthy Russelltonian.

9. What makes this character special and unique? Despite his anger at God and religion, his internal moral compass leads him to make decent decisions. A reluctant hero who masquerades as a mean tough guy.

Lead Character Name: Herman Bucholtz

Role: Antagonist

Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? He personifies evil, wields a mean whip, a controlled leader until he falls into insanity. He can appear polite, cultured, and educated but instantly turn into a biting snake.
What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? He knows how to rule by terror and bold action. Wise in searching out weakness and using it to his advantage until he meets the carpenter. Sometimes likes to play with his victims before killing him. Hatred towards his father and love for his dead mistress Mina haunt him.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? He loses control when he whips the carpenter because the man refuses to fight back. He becomes obcessed with the Ragman’s wife who is a doppleganger for his lost love, Mina. He plays up to Ludie’s young brother to gain information. When the boy confesses a crush on Bucholtz, he orders him destroyed. He rapes Ludie yet delusional that she will love him and bear his child. During a confrontation, he bites off Ragman’s earlobe. Fastidious, avoids getting dirt or blood on his uniform even to the point of getting naked before beating someone to a bloody pulp.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? A younger Bucholtz leads his men through a forest and shocked when he turns around and sees their dead bodies. He begs the shooter to kill him too so he can die with honor. When nothing happens, he puts a pistol to his head but freezes and unable to pull the trigger. A voice from the trees in German, Coward, live with your shame, causes him to collapse into sobs.

5. What is this character’s emotional range? From calm and aloof, to torture before killing, drunken hellucinations, to insanity.

6. What subtext can the actor play? With every encounter, he studies the person, scheming on how to get into their head. He loves using inuendos to push buttons and observe their reactions. He rapes Ludie yet begs for her to love him.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? The one with Ragman and the compulsion to make him suffer the same shame and horror he endured by staying alive. Both were damaged by the war, Ragman returned to a loving family but Bucholtz disowned to fend for himself.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? Through sarcasm and inuendo to exploit each person’s weakness to control them yet charming when it suits his purpose. His English elecution is percise with a high German accent.

9. What makes this character special and unique? He is a skilled rider and expert with the bullwhip, a monster masquerading as a gentleman. Born to wealth, nobility, and expectations, after his disgrace and breakdown during the war, he is reduced to a common criminal. He chanels the evil powers inherited from his cruel father, the man he hated most, to get to American and track down the soldier who ruined his life. Character Name: Ludie

Role: Triangle Character, Ragman’s Wife

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it? How she handles her emotions after the rape like so many women did during that time. Her worry and self louthing after the abortion of the baby that might be fathered by Bucholts. Afterwards, the guilt of killing her own child causes her to cut off her long hair into a butchard chop job, the beginning of her transformation from a beauty into a hag, from cheerful into deep depression. It is a secret she must keep from her husband to keep him alive.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story? She is cute and sassy especially when flirting with the husband she adores. She is also protective of her homosexual younger brother. She is practical and can do person.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script? She keeps Ragman calm to keep him alive and loves him despite his ptsd. Her bravery in getting the abortion that rendered her unable to have future children.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor? In a scene where 13 year old Ludie gives 18 year old super fisherman Ragman a lesson on how to catch a fish.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range. Cheerful, teasing, loving, caring, to the deepest depression.

6. What subtext can the actor play? How she covers for the pain of being beaten and raped by Bucholtz claiming injury from falling downstairs. How she covers for the abortion by pretending she was never pregnant until her mother-in-law suspicions a miscarriage.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have? Her love for her husband and friendship with her astute mother-in-law.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented? Joking, inuendo, her Polish accented English.

9. What could make this character special and unique? She is unaware of her natural sexual appeal and beauty. Despite all the trauma, she survives and pulls herself out of the depth of darkness. Afterwards, her wit more biting as she voices her observations.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Actor Attractors The Irishman

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned for this assignment is that by filling in this template, I gained insight into the important parts of each charater.

ACTOR ATTRACTORS Template

Movie Title: The Irishman

Lead Character Name: Frank Sheeran (Robert DiNero)

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? He mascarades as a regular truck driver, but is a unremorseful killer. Of irish decent becomes a top gun hit man for the Italian mafia. After he becomes Hoffa’s bodyguard, the two become close friends yet when the Dons order Sheeran to kill him, he does.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? He can be likable despite being a hit man, and gets along well with his mafia bosses despite not being Italian.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? Sheeran shows his expertise as a hit man with his choice of guns to match the hit and no qualms about wheather his target is friend or foe. His hits are well planned, quick, and deadly. He becomes Hoffa’s best friend, yet kills him when ordered.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? He starts as a truck driver delivering prime meat but uses his charm clever ways to steal sides of beef and not get caught even when his truck shows up empty.

5. What is this character’s emotional range? Friendly, likable, to a scary indifferent hit man who just does his job.

6. What subtext can the actor play? Acting as Hoffa’s friend while knowing he will kill him. Being friendly with his hits before “painting their kitchen.”

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? His friendship with Russell Bufilino. The strained relationship with his daughter Peggy who he frightens and the disconnect after Hoffa disappears.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? Through narrations of his memoirs.

9. What makes this character special and unique? He can compartmentalize normal life with that as a hit man.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.) Sheeran is given the word that the don’s want Hoffa gone. “When someone has to go, no one ever says, “he has to go.” They tell you to do it by not telling you not to. Or at most they say “it’s what it is.” Sheeran tries to warn Hoffa, but he remains defient, unafraid. Sheeran gives him a bit of advice hoping to change his mind. “If they can whack a President, they can whack a president of a union. You know it and I know it.”

Movie Title: The Irishman

Lead Character Name: Jimmy Hoffa (Al Pacino)

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? Hoffa is a colorful character, tough, ready to fight, and leader of the giant teamsters union that controls billions of dollars of pension funds. His supposed death with no body managed to fuel speculation for 50 decades of who killed him and where the body was hidden.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? He can be tough yet nice, a self made man and boss of the teamsters. He’s not afraid to play with the mafia for his own gain.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? He shows affection towards Sheeran’s daughter Peggy by buying her a sundee and other presents. He loves icecream.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? Jimmy Hoffa, who is already a famous public figure, is also Irish in heritage but has a complicated relationship with the Italian crime families but resents them calling the shots with his union. He appears unaffraid; but just in case, hires Frank Sheeran as his bodyguard.

5. What is this character’s emotional range? Calm, to sarcastic, to anger and not afraid to stand up to his mafia buddies.

6. What subtext can the actor play? That his interest in Peggy might be more than patronly.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? His friendship and trust with Sheeran his body guard, a spy for the mafia.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? His use of sarcaism and in his angry vents.

9. What makes this character special and unique? He likes ice cream, cares about the union and its members, fearless weather facing the mafia bosses or congressional hearings.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)

The scene where Chuckie (Hoffa’s adopted son) picks up Frank and Sally. The back seat is wet, frozen fish. Sally suggests Frank sit in the front seat, Frank declines because he remembered that Sally choked his hit from the rear seat. When they pick up Hoffa, to take him to a meeting at a house, he hesitates when he sees Sally, and suspicions a set up. When he spots Frank in the back seat, he gets inside. Chuckie leaves them off at the house. As soon as Hoffa gets inside he suspects the worse and turns to leave. Frank shoots him in the back of the head.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I Learned: I learned that even though I started with action, there were a few more places I could add more and justify them with the reveals.

Title: Ragman’s War

Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates their community.

Genre: Action, based on a true story.

Genre Conventions:

Purpose: To excite the audience with a fast paced, adrenaline-stirring story starting with the opening.

Opening:

Demand for Action: 1917 battlefield, Ragman, a sharpshooter, sees his brother blown up by a morter explosion.

Mission: He decides to kill a few of the bastards and picks off 16 enemy soldiers but leaves the cowardly officer remain alive and slips away.

Escalating Action: The officer, Bucholtz, tracks down the American soldier and ten years later commands the army of Coal and Iron Police that invade Ragman’s town to break the strike. Bucholtz harasses Ragman hoping to provoke a confrontation.

Antagonist: Bent on bringing the strike to a quick end Bucholtz violently dominates the community especially Ragman’s family. Reveal: Bucholtz blames Ragman for not allowing to die with honor in the battlefield, ruining his life, and wants to make him suffer.

Protagonist: Ragman, a proficient marksman, wields a mean hunting knife when dressing animals he kills and accurate when throwing rocks at a metal target to control his anger and not harm anyone.

(Added action to outline in italic.)

Act 1:

Opening: 1917 Battlefield in France, Ragman sees a morter blow up his brother. Later, he picks off 16 enemy soldiers but leaves the 17th man, their officer, remain alive.

Ten years later, Ragman, a family man and mine mechanic, debates walking out with the other miners in solidaity with a UMWA called strike. His gut tells him the strike will lead to war, and he is done with war.

Inciting Incident: An army of Coal and Iron Police invade the town and the brutal Commander, Bucholtz, violently dominates the community.

Turning Point: Buchlotz savagely whips Ragman’s brother, a carpenter who leads the miners with building barracks before the upcomming evictions. Ragman promises to take over and complete the project that will embed him into the union war.

ACT 2:

New plan: Ragman recruits his radical younger brother Albert, ex-Marine boxing champ, to help finish the barracks. Bucholtz harrasses Ragman to provoke a fight, but he heeds his wife’s advice to reign in his temper so not to be arrested or killed.

Plan in action: Bucholtz conviscates tarpaper rolls and other supplies; Ragman and Albert improvise to finish the housing on time.

Midpoint Turning Point: Bucholtz orders his men to brutilize the younger brother of Ragman’s wife Ludie, orders one of his men to “take” her younger sister, as he rapes Ludie. Ludie and her sister cover up the attack but Ludie becomes depressed. Ragman wants to confront Bucholtz about attacking the boy but his wife and mother talk him out of it. He throws rocks at a metal target and swears with each hit.

ACT 3:

Rethink everything: Ragman helps Ludie’s father rent a house on a farm and sells his invention so he can move Ludie and his sons away from Russellton. The carpenter recovers and leads barracks building in another town.

New Plan: Bucholtz arrests the carpenter on company property, whips him, and throws him in jail. Ragman and Albert break him out but not without a fight. Albert KO’s three officers and locks them in the jail. Two weeks later the carpenter dies. Ragman throws rocks.

Midpoint Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Albert gets sick from the same illness and unable to work. Harmarville miners move into unfinished barracks. Conrad, the young man ordered to rape Ludie’s younger sister Reise, shows up looking for her and declares his love. Ragman chastises him for knocking her up but learns that Bucholtz impregnated the girl and raped Ludie. He asks Conrad to spy on Bucholtz. Surrounded by armed thugs, Ragman confronts Bucholtz. Bucholtz confesses to being the 17th man and enjoying Ludie. He bites off Ragnman’s ear and attempts to choke him. The township counstable shows up and rescues Ragman by arresting him.

Albert recovers and plans to lead a protest in Russellton; Conrad informs Ragman that Bucholtz plans to kill Albert first and and then massacre the picket line. Ragman must kill Bucholtz to prevent the killings and asks for help from his friend Anthony at union headquarters. Together they craft a plan for him to do it silently and without detection with Anthony as backup.

ACT 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Albert trained the pickets on peaceful protest; but, Anthony replaces him. Ragman, disquised, hides in the crowd his knife ready. An unsteady Bucholtz roars in on his horse, coal and iron police fight with the miners, the picket line holds strong. The surging crowd pushes Ragman farther away. Bucholtz aims his gun at Anthony, the kill a signal for the machine gun to open fire on mine families.

Resolution: Ragman grabs a rock and throws it at Bucholtz but hits the horse. The horse rears, the gun fires but the bullet hits the building by the machine gun. The spooked horse dumps Bucholtz, tramples him, and bolts away through the crowd. Shocked, police and protesters freeze still and silent. Ragman slips out of his disquise undetected. The crowd cheers; Bucholtz is dead. Problem solved.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle’s 4-Act Transformational Structure

Vision: My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I Learned: I learned that by using this method of filling in the blanks you can quickly build an four act structure with good pacing and intriguing cliffhangers for each act. Going over it a second time allows you to add other big picture points that pop up in the reading.

Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates their community.

Main Conflict: Ragman discovers ways to redirect his anger into cunning and self-restraint to kill the Commander and not get caught.

Old Ways: Done with war and killing, short tempered, worried about loosing control, avoidence, self-centered, not a joiner.

New Ways: Controlled, focused, confronts evil, shows compassion, asks for help, throws rocks to defuse his anger.

Act 1:

Opening: 1917 Battlefield in France, Ragman sees a morter blow up his brother. Later, he picks off 16 enemy soldiers but leaves the 17th man, their officer, remain alive.

Ten years later, Ragman, a family man and mine mechanic, debates walking out with the other miners in solidaity with a UMWA called strike. His gut tells him the strike will lead to war, and he is done with war.

Inciting Incident: An army of Coal and Iron Police invade the town and the brutal Commander, Bucholtz, violently dominates the community.

Turning Point: Buchlotz savagely whips Ragman’s brother, a carpenter who leads the miners with building barracks before the upcomming evictions. Ragman promises to take over and complete the project that will embed him into the union war.

ACT 2:

New plan: Ragman enlists his radical younger brother Albert, ex-Marine boxing champ, to help finish the barracks. Whenever, Bucholtz harrasses Ragman to provoke a fight, but heeds his wife’s advice to reign in his temper so not to be arrested or killed.

Plan in action: Bucholtz conviscates tarpaper rolls and other supplies; Ragman and Albert improvise to finish the housing on time.

Midpoint Turning Point: Bucholtz orders his men to brutilize the younger brother of Ragman’s wife Ludie, orders one of his men to “take” her younger sister, and he rapes Ludie. Ludie and her sister cover up the attack but Ludie becomes depressed. Ragman wants to confront Bucholtz but his wife and mother talk him out of it.

ACT 3:

Rethink everything: Ragman helps Ludie’s father rent a house on a farm and sells his invention so he can move Ludie and his sons away from Russellton. The carpenter recovers and leads barracks building in another town.

New Plan: Bucholtz arrests the carpenter on company property, whips him, and throws him in jail. Ragman and Albert break him out but two weeks later he dies from the flu.

Midpoint Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Albert gets sick from the same illness and unable to work. Harmarville miners move into unfinished barracks. Conrad, he young man ordered to rape Ludies younger sister, shows up looking for her and declares his love. Ragman chastises him for knocking her up, and learns Bucholtz impregnated the girl and raped Ludie. He asks Conrad to spy on Bucholtz.

Albert recovers and plans to lead a protest in Russellton; Conrad informs Ragman that Bucholtz plans to kill Albert first and massacre the picket line. Ragman asks for help from his friend Anthony who works at union headquarters. Ragman must kill Bucholtz to prevent the killings. Together they craft a plan for him to do it silently and without detection with Anthony as backup.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Albert trained the pickets on peaceful protest; but, Anthony replaces him. Ragman, disquised, hides in the crowd his knife ready. An unsteady Bucholtz roars in on his horse as the crowd pushes Ragman away. Bucholtz aims his gun at Anthony, the shot a signal to open fire.

Resolution: Ragman grabs a rock and throws it at Bucholtz but hits the horse. The horse rears, the gun goes off, frightened the horse dumps Bucholtz, tramples him, and bolts away through the crowd. Shocked, police and protesters freeze still and silent. Ragman slips out of his disquise undetected. The crowd cheers; Bucholtz is dead. Problem solved.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Subtext Plot

My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment: I learned that by building subtext into the plot allows the opportunty to add many layers to the story to create tension, emotion, and a few surprises.

Someone Hides Who They Are: The German officer tracks down the American soldier who wiped out his command during the war but let him live. He arranges to be the Commander of the invading coal and iron police, where the American lives to target the soldier’s family for brutality, only to reveal his true identity during a final confrontation.

Superior Position and Unawareness: Ragman, a WWI hero for killing 16 enemy soldiers, is unaware of the identity of the Commander and puzzled why the man targets his family for brutality. The audience knows long before Ragman blows up and confronts the Commander about the savagery that he is the 17th man, the one left alive to live with his shame.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle’s Transformational Journey

My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

I learned from this assignment that by building on the concept of designing a character description, I could use that to develop a transformational journey. Once completed, it became easy to fill in the blanks for arc, internal and external journey, old ways, and new ones.

Arc Beginning: Struggles with battle fatigue and moral injury, avoids conflict, vigilant, impatient, emotionally closed except with wife, fears losing control and killing someone.

Arc Ending: He channels his anger to craft a plot to kill the Commander and remains patient, controlled, and guilt-free to carry it out.

Internal Journey: Ragman finds ways to redirect his anger into cunning and self-restraint to kill the Commander to compensate for a mistake during the war.

External Journey: Ragman moves from indifferent to leadership.

Old Ways: short tempered, worried about loosing control and killing someone, avoidence, self-centered, not a joiner.

New Ways: Controlled, accepts responsibility, confronts evil, shows compassion, asks for help in crafting a plan, works well with others, uses humor to defuse his anger.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle’s Intentional Lead Characters

My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from doing this assignment is that you need to base the lead character logline on your basic concept and build from there, a lesson that didn’t connect before.

Protagonist: Ragman, a WW1 recipient, must conceive a plan to, without detection, execute the commander of the Coal and Iron Police to save the people of his town from a massacre. Unique: Morally wounded, quick to anger, who throws rocks at a metal target to soothe his desire to kill.

Antagonist: Commander Bucholtz, brutal commander of the Coal and Iron Police, violently dominates the mining community to break the strike by any means and punish the American soldier who killed all 16 troopers under his command during the Great War. Unique: infuriated that the American soldier let him live with his shame rather than killing him so he could die with honor.

Triangle Character: Ludie, Raman’s devotedwife, becomes a target of Bucholtz for revenge and later the obcession of his delusional sexual desire to claim her. Unique: Ludie resembles the mother of Bucholtz’s son, the woman he loved, both killed in the war.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle’s Title, Concept, and Character Structure!

My vision for my success from this program is to be the go-to writer for producers looking for incredible scripts for successful movies enjoyed by a vast viewing audience.

What I learned from this assignment is the importance of the concept in choosing the correct character structure for the script outline.

Title: Ragman’s War

Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates their community.

Character Structure: Protagonist versus Antagonist

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hello Fellow Travelers,

My name is Rebecca and I have completed two pilot scripts and one feature. This is my eighth class at ScreenwritingU and I hope to learn and master more skills. I look forward to helpful feedback from more experienced alumni on this same writing journey.

My father’s adventures as a radical union organizer in the early 20th Century labor movement inspired me to research, write, and publish two novels about his adventures.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of Writing Incredible Movies, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, through social media, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, videos, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Action Outline Version 2

Bucket of Blood, The Ragman’s War

Based on a True Story.

Logline: To prevent a massacre of mine families, a coal mine mechanic and WWI hero, must devise a plan to kill the commander of the coal and iron police and not get caught.

Background:

The story takes place during the 1927 miners strike in the coalfields around Pittsburgh. Company Coal and Iron Police—sanctioned by the governor but paid for by the coal alliance with all the same powers as state troopers—invade the company towns. Rusellton—No. 1 and No. 2 one mile apart—is the first town to face evictions. Break Rusellton; break the strike.

OPENING:

The story begins on a battlefield in France in 1917. Two brothers in the same unit, one a sharpshooter, the other average, one gets blown up, the other extracts revenge by killing 16 German soldiers but leaving the 17th man, the officer, remain alive to live in shame.

ACT 1

April 1, 1927

EXT. RUSELLTON MINE – MORNING

The union strike begins. Russellton, a captive mine owned by Republic Steel, does not allow unions. The miners join the strike in solidarity with the union miners by symbolically spilling the water from their dinner buckets to the ground.

EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 1 – DAY

Herr Bucholtz arrives in Russellton as commander of a large unit of coal and iron police sent into Russellton—the first to face evictions—to break the strike. Bucholtz tracked down the American soldier to Russellton, the man who doomed him to shame by not killing him during the war, and will make him suffer.

INCITING INCIDENT:

EXT. BONY DUMP – NIGHT

Ervin, the carpenter leading the construction of the Russellton barracks, is lured to the dump behind the Bessemer store to find stolen union building supplies.

Mounted and armed coal and iron police, led by Bucholtz surround Ervin’s car. A trooper pulls him from the vehicle but leaves the headlights on. A gang of company thugs attack Ervin. He refuses to fight back. Bucholtz orders him tied to the car…removes a bullwhip from his belt. He cracks the whip in the air before landing it on Ervin’s back… the shirt slices open. Ervin, a pacifist, remains still, ready to absorb the pain. Bucholtz lets loose several more lashes…bloody stripes emerge on Ervin’s back…yet he does not cry out. Like a madman, Bucholtz yells and screams at him with each bite of the whip. Ervin’s bowels burst open…he falls unconscious.

EXT. BARRACKS CONSTRUCTION SITE RUSSELLTON NO. 1–LATER

Rain pours down in torrents. Bucholtz and his men dump Ervin’s limp body into the mud…they leave…the temperature drops.

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE RUSSELLTON NO. 1- HOURS LATER

Raman finds Ervin, loads him into a truck and takes him home. Ragman vows revenge but at the time of his choosing.

INT. FARMHOUSE BASEMENT KITCHEN – DAY

Ragman watches as Doc and nurse Amy clean and dress Ervin’s wounds. He helps out by acting as a fetch it for whatever they need and helps move his brother from the table to a cot near the stove padded with quilts. Ragman listens with attention at Doc’s instructions, explains them to his mother in German. Ragman promises Ervin to take charge of the barracks construction and get their younger brother Albert to help.

EXT. FARM —NEXT DAY

Ragman throws rocks at a line of empty cans. The pitch is hard and he rarely misses. He yells profanities as he throws. The movement calms his anger.

TURNING POINT 2:

EXT. BARRACKS SITE – DAY

Albert and Ragman supervise the construction and make big progress. Bucholtz watches from afar.

EXT. MAIN ROAD, RUSSELLTON – LATER

Bucholtz, mounted on his large stallion, stops Ragman’s truck, dismounts and confronts him. The two exchange barbs and insults as they size up each other. Bucholtz orders Ragman to stop the barracks building, or else he will hurt Ragman’s family.

EXT. BUS STOP RUSSELLTON NO. 2 – DAY

Bucholtz spies Ludie, Ragman’s wife, as she gets off the bus with her two little boys. He is attracted to her; she invokes a memory of a lost love. He asks his men about the woman.

EXT. STREET – CONTINUOUS

Bucholtz follows Ludie at a distance as she walks up hill.

EXT. STAN WALOSKI’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Bucholtz barges into the house to get a better look at Ludie, peruses her from head to toe. He shoots her younger sister a warning look. Stan, Ludie’s father, enters and demands to know why Buchotz is in his house. Bucholtz uses the excuse that he is inventorying their possessions for the auction. Stan complains that he pays rent on the house, indebted to no one. Bucholtz informs him that all non-working miners will be evicted. He gives Ludie a last lascivious look and leaves.

EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 2 – DAY

An army of coal and iron police invade the houses. They smash the jarred winter food stores and destroy wheat and dried beans by throwing them in the dirt. Afterwards, they carry furniture, pots and pans, and other personal items to the street for auction. Troopers rip drying laundry from clotheslines, wrap the woman’s undergarments around their heads to taunt them. They seek out what little food might be hidden in the house and destroy it. Armed with guns they put down protesters wit threats of being shot, maul the women and beat up on anyone coming to their defense. There is no one to help…the thugs are the law, and above it. Some of the women fight back with mops, brooms, and cast iron skillets.

EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 2 – AUCTION DAY

Buyers walk along the street perusing the items. The auctioneer begins the sale. Mr. Fred Broad, a businessman from New Kensington backed by the union, purchases all the items and returns them to the mine families.

ACT 2

EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 2 – EVICTION DAY

Townsfolk carry their belongings, others haul them on crude sleds. The walk down hill for the mile and a half trek to the barracks. Those too sick to move are thrown into the cold street and snow flurries.

MIDPOINT:

EXT. WALOSKI HOUSE – EVICTION DAY

All the other houses are empty. Bucholtz, followed by three of his troops, storm into the home.

INT. WALOSKI HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Ludie, her 15 year old sister Reise, and 17 year old brother Ben pack belongings. Startled by Bucholtz and the armed trooper guarding the door, hey stare in fear. Bucholtz puts a noose around Ben’s neck. He orders two of his men to take the girlish boy outside and up the road. The troopers pull him out the door…the women cry out in protest. Bucholtz grabs Ludie…threatens to shoot her…and orders Bernard, the third trooper, to pull Riese upstairs to have his way with the girl. Bernard follows orders.

INT. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

Bernard throws Reise onto the bed… she screams and cries…he jumps beside her…she cringes He orders her to keep screaming and jumps up and down on the bed…soon she plays the part. He won’t hurt her.

INT WALOSKI HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Bucholtz moves in on Ludie. She lies to him that she’s with child. He punches her hard in the stomach…she collapses. Bucholtz gets on top of her… pretend to love me…she screams…spits in his face. He uses the heel of his hand to slap her…she passes out. He removes her clothing one piece at a time.

INT. BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

The noise downstairs stops. Riese fears for her sister. Bernard tells her that Bucholtz is a madman who will kill him if he doesn’t follow orders. Reise screams long and loud…freezes. Bernard gently holds her…waits a long time before leaving.

EXT. TOP OF THE HILL – SAME TIME

The two troopers finish beating and violating Ben…they leave him in a catatonic state surrounded by mud and blood.

INT. DOWNSTAIRS – LATER

Ludie wakes up…surprised to be fully dressed. She remains still long after the house is quiet. She worries about her young innocent sister. Ludie forces herself to move despite the pain in her jaw and belly. She crawls up the stairs to Reise.

INT. BEDROOM- CONTINUOUS

Ludie wobbles into the bedroom…finds Reise curled up and bawling. The sisters cry together about their rapes. Ludie tells Reise that they can never tell what happened.

EXT. RUSSELLTON NO. 1 BUS STOP – MONTHS LATER

Ludie waits for the bus to visit her father in a nearby town. Weeks after the secret abortion, she appears thin, pale, slump shouldered, and depressed…her ugly short haircut covered by a babushka. Bucholtz confronts her, astounded at the change in her appearance. He asks about their child. She pushes him away…I KILLED IT. Bucholtz directs his rage at Ragman.

SECOND TURNING POINT:

EXT. WALOSKI HOUSE ON BARON’S FARM – DAY

Ragman accosts the young coal and iron trooper, Bernard, looking for Riese. They tussle…Ragman irate because he knocked up the girl. Bernard confides to Ragman about Bucholtz raping Ludie and impregnating Reise. Ragman goes berserk and runs through the fields so not to beat up the boy. He decides to move Ludie and his sons away from Russellton.

EXT. CURTISVILLE – AFTERNOON

Bucholtz and his men ambush Ervin…take him to the lock up.

INT. CURTISVILLE – LOCKUP

Bucholtz uses his whip on Ervin, but freezes before he finishes and stomps away. Dennis Cooney, a boxer, delivers hard punches to Ervin’s midsection and throws him into the jail cell. He brags as he plays cards with the other men. The old trooper leaves to check on Bucholtz.

INT. CURTISVILLE – LATER

Ragman enters … shot gun in hand … orders the men not to move. Albert grabs the keys from the jailer. The old trooper returns…grabs for the gun…it flys into the horse stalls. Albert moves into boxing stance, Cooney does the same. Cooney strikes but his offense dissolves into defense. Albert KO’s Cooney…takes on the trooper fighting Ragman…decks him. Ragman retrieves his gun from the angry horses. They lock the police into the jail cell and escape with Ervin.

INT. HOSPITAL – MORNING

Ervin dies.

EXT. POLICE BOARDING HOUSE RUSSELLTON – NIGHT

Ragman arrives to fight Bucholtz. The troopers surround him and aim their guns. Bucholtz calls them off, to keep it one on one. He confesses to Ragman that he is the 17th man, the officer forced to live in shame. Bucholtz bites off Ragman’s ear lobe and chokes him with a strap. Constable Rube Dembaugh intervenes. Arrests Ragman.

ACT 3

CRISIS:

INT. RAGMAN’S NEW HOUSE – EVENING

Bernard defects, tells Ragman that Bucholtz plans to bring a machine gun into Russellton to massacre the striking miners. Bucholtz will shoot Albert first, a signal to the gunner to mow down the protesters. He hands Ragman a notebook he stole from Bucholtz. Ragman calls the Anthony at UMWA headquarters for help. Together they devise a plan. Anthony will lead the strikers. Ragman will kill Bucholtz, if he fails, Anthony will complete the task. The trick is how to do it and not get caught.

EXT. RUSSELLTON REPUBLIC STEEL OFFICE – DAY

Miners gather from nearby towns to join the Russellton strikers to protest scabs being brought in. Anthony replaces Albert as their leader. He orders the men to remain clam and not fight no matter what happens. Company thugs in the crowd disguised as miners work to incite a riot. The picket line remains strong and calm. They sing union songs.

Bucholtz arrives on the scene mounted on his stallion…uses bullwhip on the crowd. Ragman, in disguise, attempts to move within knifing distance before Bucholtz can shoot Anthony. A surge of bodies pushes Ragman far away…he uses his pitching arm and throws a rock. It hits Bucholtz’s helmet…startles both man and horse…gun goes off… misses it’s mark. The spooked stallion rears up …dumps Bucholtz…flinging its hooves it tramples him. The machine gunner freezes as do the other coal and iron police. Bucholtz is dead.

EXT. RUSSELLTON, REPUBLIC STEEL OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Ragman drops below the crowd…exchanges hats…drops the coat…and emerges looking like himself. He strolls up a driveway across the street leading to the company doctor’s house.

THE END

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Fast Formatting

What I learned doing this assignment is that by rewriting this scene by using the fast formatting technique, it became more exciting. On the reread, I became engrossed in the action. Amazing the energy created by these changes. I haven’t mastered it yet, but will keep on practicing.

EXT. FIELD OUTSIDE CURTISVILLE NO. 2 – DAY

Ervin waits for another half hour…still no truck. He cranks the engine.

EXT. FIELD OUTSIDE CURTISVILLE NO. 2 – CONTINUOUS

The car moves across the field.

EXT. CURTISVILLE NO. 2 – CONTINUOUS

It enters a short stretch of street …

EXT. CURTISVILLE NO 2 – CONTINUOUS

—Coal and iron police emerge …surround Ervin’s auto…he stops.

Bucholtz—mounted on a large stallion—directs the action…he nods.

A trooper approaches the car… others aim their guns

TROOPER (gruff)

Get out of the car.

Ervin complies—at 6 feet two inches towers over the man. Bucholtz nods…second trooper aims his gun at Ervin’s chest.

TROOPER (gruff)

Show me your pass.

Ervin searches his pocket…pulls out the pass…it drops from his hand. The officer holds out his open palm.

TROOPER

I asked to see your pass.

Ervin picks up the paper…hands it to the trooper…who runs it to Bucholtz. He glances at the document … moves in closer.

BUCHOLTZ

So, we meet again carpenter. This is a Russellton pass, not good for Curtisville. You are trespassing on Ford Colliery property.

ERVIN

I’m just crossing to the public road over there.

He points to a road less than 20 feet away.

BUCHOLTZ

On company property, come with us.

ERVIN

I thought…

A young trooper pokes a gun into the Ervin’s spine…he stiffens.

ERVIN

Russellton’ s not your jurisdiction.

BUCHOLTZ (slow, deliberate, cold)

My jurisdiction is wherever I am. You can come with us without trouble or we can shoot you — your choice.

Ervin raises his arms in surrender.The trooper attaches shackles and cuffs … shoves him into the car.

INT STABLE LOCKUP CURTISVILLE NO. 1 — LATER

Bucholtz ties the prisoner to a post near one of the horse stalls. He unleashes his famous whip from the hook on his belt …demonstrates his skill and accuracy…loud cracking noises slice through the air…Ervin struggles against his ties.

BUCHOLTZ

You escaped death once.

Bucholtz shoots a “not this time” look at Ervin. He freezes — resolute about his fate.

BUCHOLTZ

Irishman, remove the prisoner’s shirt.

A trooper steps forward …rips the garment down to around the man’s waist … moves away.

Long scars criss cross Ervin’s back. Bucholtz runs a finger over the widest, sensing its thickness and texture. He steps back…raises the whip.

SNAP! SWOOSH! SLICE!

—the lash tears across the scars

—BLOOD oozes

— Ervin winces … remains stoic.

BUCHOLTZ

Scream, curse me, FIGHT.

Ervin remains unresponsive.

ERVIN

NO! Violence begets violence.

SWISH!

—the whip rears up.

—Ervin’s eyes snap shut …muscles tense…breath deepens.

SNAP!

—braided leather bites through flesh.

— Agitated horses stomp, snort, and whinny.

LASH! LASH! LASH!

—three slices…raw flesh…oozing blood

—Bucholtz’s face contorts with each snap of the whip and bite of flesh.

—Ervin’s skin shreds into bloody lines that dissect older scars…He winces at each blow…clenches his jaw.

—Bucholtz freezes…arm overhead…eyes enlarged…unfocused.

—His faces twists in horror like seeing Old Nick himself or one of his minions.

—He throws down the bloody whip…stomps outside.

Stunned silence falls upon the stable. The horses quit their stomping and snorting. TROOPER — second in command—takes charge

TROOPER

Irishman, cut the carpenter down and throw him in the lockup with the other poor sick bastard.

IRISHMAN (belligerent)

My name is Cooney.

COONEY cuts the binds and lowers Ervin to the ground, helps him to a standing position and to the cell. Ervin steps inside…Cooney lands a swift hard punch his mid-section under the ribs… Ervin crumbles to the sawdust…UNCONSCIOUS.

Cooney locks the cell and hands the keys to the main jailer, older, taller and not too smart.

COONEY

Let’s get up a game.

Cooney, Trooper, and the jailer pull up stools and buckets around a bale of hay. The jailer shuffles the deck, moves it towards Cooney who cuts it. The jailer deals the cards, bets are made, the game commences.

COONEY

I finished the job. That carpenter won’t be causing us any trouble tonight, other prisoner’s half-dead.

The men check their cards.

TROOPER

Nope, boss will. He’ll get drunk as a skunk tonight, pass out, wake up mean as a snake. Tomorrow he’ll KILL the poor bastard. As usual, we get to clean up the mess. I never saw anyone like him…a man who won’t fight.

COONEY

I wonder how long the company will keep boss around?

No one answers as they each arrange their cards.

COONEY (CONT.)

Once I become a boxing champ, I’m out of this hell hole.

JAILER

You that good?

COONEY (IRRITATED)

Yes you dumb twit, I win most my matches.

Cooney remains stoic while viewing his winning hand.

TROOPER

You as good as that pug boxing in the coal towns last spring?

He’s about your size. He took on all comers either bare fisted or gloved, beat-em all. You done that?

Cooney scrunches his face, offended.

COONEY

I train at a top gym…don’t fight amateurs…only professionals.

EXT. HANDCAR ON RAILROAD NEAR CURTISVILLE – SAME TIME

Ragman and Albert’s slow their pumping as they sneak into town.

INT CURTISVILLE LOCK UP AND STABLE – CONTINUOUS

The men throw down their cards…Cooney lays out his hand. He scrapes his winnings to the pile of coins in front of him.

TROOPER

Yintz, play without me. I’m gonna go check on the boss.

He leaves. Cooney counts his winnings.

JAILER

Time to check the prisoners.

BANG! …The stable door bursts open…Ragman stands in the doorway armed with a shotgun…Albert moves in behind.

RAGMAN (booming)

Stand away from that cell you god-damned sonofabitch or I’ll blow you apart.

Cooney looks up … jumps to his feet …coins scatter across floor…Ragman swivels his gun between the jailer and Cooney, and back again.

RAGMAN

You with the keys stand still. One move…you BOTH are dead men.

Startled the jailer freezes in place. Albert snatches the key ring from his belt.

ALBERT

Irv, you Ok?

—Albert approaches the cell.

—Trooper enters behind Ragman… grabs at him from behind…gun flies through the air into the horse stalls…the stallion rears up.

—Cooney rushes Albert…Albert throws the keys into the cell.

—Ragman and Trooper wrestle towards the horses.

STOMP! BANG! BRAY!

The horses look for escape.

—Albert, fists up, moves to fighting stance…Cooney does the same…the jailer blocks his way.

SLAM!

Cooney thrusts the dimwit aside…he lands against the bars… slithers to the floor.

COONEY

Dumb shit.

Cooney moves in for action … lands a few solid punches to Albert’s midsection…Albert weaves.

THUMP! THUMP!

Cooney lands two more blows…Albert bobs.

—Cooney’s offensive dissolves to defensive mode—Albert deflects blow after blow… he strikes at Cooney.

WOMP! WOMP! THUMP!

Punches land like sledge hammers on Cooney’s mid-section and shoulder.

BOOM!

Cooney slams against hard steel of the lockup…his thumbs go for Albert’s eyes …Albert ducks… Cooney connects with Albert’s mouth…lip bleeds. Albert secures several jabs…

CRACK!

A forceful upper cut lands under Cooney’s jaw…knees buckle…

THUD!

Cooney’s body falls…unconscious.

INT. HORSE-STALL – CONTINUOUS

Ragman fights off his attacker with a horse bit and reigns …he moves to retrieve his gun…Trooper pushes Ragman aside…

—Ragman slings the bit…hits man’s neck…he rushes Ragman.

—Albert pulls Trooper backwards…he swipes…misses.

—Ragman slides into the stall to retrieve the gun…the horse rears up, flails its hooves…Ragman backs off…grabs a nearby hay rake…pulls the gun to the safety.

Albert lands a punch to Trooper’s midsection…body fall and out. Ervin hands Albert the keys…he unlocks the cell.

ALBERT

Let me help you up. You don’t look so good.

ERVIN

Take care of the other prisoner first. He’s in rougher shape.

Albert checks the prisoner.

ALBERT

Sorry brother, he’s DEAD.

Albert and Ragman drag the unconscious troopers into the lockup. They pull Ervin to standing and out of the jail. Albert locks the door…tosses the keys to the horses. Ragman and Albert help Ervin limp out of the stable.

INT CURTISVILLE LOCK UP AND STABLE – LATER

Three unconscious men lay on the floor inside the locked jail cell. Cold air from the open stable door teases them awake. Cooney rolls to one side, focuses his eyes, The stable is empty except for the horses. Cooney grabs the bars…pulls to standing…rattles the locked door. Humiliation and rage flood his face.

SHRIEK

Cooney screams…shakes the bars.

EXT. RAILROAD – SAME TIME

Ragman and Albert pump the handcar. Ervin rides shotgun. The car speeds down the tracks.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Great Action Set Piece

What I learned from doing this assignment is this is a long to do list; but, going through it in an organized manner provided many new ideas for my lackluster scene to make it much more engaging.

INT CURTISVILLE LOCK UP AND STABLE

Bucholtz stomps out of the stable. After a stunned pause the TROOPER, second in command, who worked under Bucholtz since their arrival in Russellton, takes charge.

TROOPER

Cooney, cut the carpenter down and throw him in the cell with the other bum.

COONEY cuts the binds and lowers Ervin to the ground, helps him to a standing position, and guides him to the cell. Just as Ervin steps inside, Cooney lands a swift hard punch to the mid-section under Ervin’s ribs. Ervin crumbles to the sawdust, his body doesn’t move. Cooney locks the cell and hands the keys to the main jailer, older than Cooney but taller and not too smart.

COONEY

Let’s get up a game.

The trooper and Cooney pull up stools and bucket around a bale of hay. The jailer shuffles the deck of cards and moves it towards Cooney who cuts it. The jailer deals out the cards, bets are made, and the game commences. Cooney converses as they play.

COONEY

I finished the job Bucholtz started. The carpenter won’t be causing any trouble and the other prisoner’s half-dead and won’t be a bother.

Cooney and the others check out their cards.

TROOPER

Don’t brag too hard. The boss will drink until he passes out. In the morning he’ll be meaner than a skunk. My guess is the poor shit will be dead shortly after Bucholtz gets hold of him. As usual, we get to clean up the mess.

COONEY

The commander can sure put away the booze. I wonder how long the company will keep him around.

No one answers as they each arrange their hands.

COONEY

Once I become a boxing champ, I’ll be out of this hell hole.

JAILER

You that good?

COONEY (IRRITATED)

Yes you dumb….I win most of my matches.

Cooney remains stoic while viewing his winning hand.

TROOPER

You as good as that pug boxing in the coal town’s last spring?

He’s about your size. He took on all comers either bare fisted or gloved, beat them all, yet quit boxing. You ever done that?

Cooney scrunches his face, offended.

COONEY

I train at a top gym and don’t fight amateurs only professionals.

EXT. RAILROAD NEAR CURTISVILLE – SAME TIME

Ragman and Albert use a rail handcar to sneak into town and avoid the guards.

INT CURTISVILLE LOCK UP AND STABLE – LATER

The men throw down their cards as Cooney lays out his hand. Cooney scrapes his winnings to the pile of coins in front of him.

TROOPER

Yintz play without me. I’m gonna go check on the boss.

He leaves. Cooney counts his winnings.

JAILER

Time to check on the prisoners.

The stable door bursts open. Ragman stands in the doorway armed with a shotgun, Albert behind him his fists ready for a fight. Ragman’s voice booms and echos off the walls.

RAGMAN

Stand away from that cell you god-damned sonofabitch or I’ll blow you apart.

Cooney looks up and jumps to his feet, the coins scatter across floor.

Ragman swivels his gun between the jailer and Cooney and back again.

RAGMAN

You with the keys stand still. One move and you’re all dead men.

Startled the jailer and guard freeze in place. Albert snatches the key ring from the jailer’s belt.

ALBERT

Irv, you Ok?

Albert approaches the cell. The trooper enters behind Ragman and grabs at him from behind. The flys through the air into the horse stalls startling the horses. Cooney rushes Albert and he throws the keys into the cell. Ervin rises to a sitting position and grabs them. Ragman and the trooper wrestle towards the stall and angry horses.

Albert, fists up, gets into a fighters stance to take on both Cooney and the jailer. Cooney does the same ready to strike the first blow but the jailer blocks his way. Cooney slams him aside and hard into the bars. He slithers down to the floor.

COONEY

Dumb shit.

Cooney moves in for his own action and manages to land a few solid punches on Albert. Albert weaves. Cooney land two more blows before his offensive dissolves into defensive mode. Albert deflects blows after blows before he strikes at Cooney with punches that land like sledge hammers. Boom, Albert slams his opponent against cold steel. Cooney goes for Albert’s eyes with his thumbs but Albert ducks and weave. Cooney connects with Albert’s mouth causing his lip to bleed. Albert secures several more hammers ending with forceful undercut to Cooney’s jaw. Cooney goes down for the count.

Ragman fights off his attacker and grabs a horse bit and reigns as he moves to retrieve his gun. The trooper moves in front to grab it. Ragman slings the bit and reigns around the man’s neck flings him away from the stall. Albert moves in to take him on as Ragman fights off the horse to retrieve his gun. The horse rears up hooves ready to strike. Ragman grabs a nearby hay rake, and pulls the gun to the safety of his hands. Ervin hands Albert the keys and he unlocks the cell.

ALBERT

Let me help you up. You don’t look so good.

ERVIN

Help the other prisoner first. He’s in rough shape.

Albert move over to the other man.

ALBERT

He doesn’t need any help. He’s dead.

Ervin pulls to standing and steps out of the lock up. Albert and Ragman drag the unconscious men into the cell. Albert locks cell door and throws the keys into the horses. Ragman and Albert help Ervin limp out of the stable.

INT CURTISVILLE LOCK UP AND STABLE – LATER

Three unconscious men lay on the floor inside the locked jail cell. Cold air from the open stable door teases them awake. Cooney rolls to once side focusing his eyes. The stable is empty except for the horses. Cooney uses the bars to pull himself to standing. He rattles the locked door. Humiliation and rage flood his face as he shakes the bars and bang his fists.

EXT. RAILROAD – SAME TIME

Ragman and Albert pump the handcar as Ervin rides shotgun. The car speeds down the tracks.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Unique Action

What I learned from this assignment that by brainstorming different possibilities, a really great idea comes forth to up the action and stakes in the story to add intrigue.

Entire story uniqueness

Environment: Coal-mining village in 1927 during a massive strike in the western Pennsylvania coalfields.
Rules: Coal and iron police become the law and above the law as they take away miner’s civil rights.
Villain: Herr Bucholtz, commander of the coal and iron police.
Mission: Ragman (to save the town.) Bucholtz ( to break the strike and the miners using any and all means possible.)
Struggle: Bucholtz singles out Ragman’s family for abuse and death. Ragman must outsmart Bucholtz to save his town and family.
Unique Skillset: Ragman (hunting skills and innovation.) Bucholtz ( commanding men, military strategy, brutality.) Meaning: Ragman ups his involvement to save his family. Bucholtz presses harder to break the strike and Ragman.
Allies: Ragman (his brothers, father-in-law, and young friend.) Bucholtz (Republic Steel, the governor, coal and iron police under his command, Allegheny County Sheriff.
Weapon: (rifle, knife, and slingshot) Bucholtz ( handgun and bull whip.)

Brainstorm ways to make one or more of those places unique:

A. What if…? Ragman convinced the township constable to help reign in Bucholtz on private property. What if his younger brother helped the union organize the miners and put himself in danger? What if Ragman could convince union headquarters to help?
B. Take to an extreme. Bucholtz kills Ragman’s brother. Ragman blows up a coal-tipple. Bucholtz brings in a machine gun to mow down the miners and their families at a planned rally.
C. Specific to character or environment. What if Ragman convinces a top coal and iron guard to defect and spy for him. What if his brother confronts the union bosses for abandoning the struggling miners.
D. Shocking or Surprising: Bucholtz was the 17th man that Ragman refused to kill after wiping out his entire unit during the war in France. In the end the horse kills Bucholtz or did he.
E. Go opposite. What if a union official replaces Ragman’s brother to lead the march and collide with Ragman to kill Bucholtz.
F. What haven’t we seen? Bucholtz gets away with murder. Ragman even’s the score. Ragman’s brother hires a reporter make public the abuses in Russellton by the coal and iron police and Republic Steel and encourages the ACLU and the several US Senators to investigate.

I added a scene with a young reporter friend of Ragman’s brother who sends reports to a US senator that prompts and investigation. This adds pressure on Bucholtz, after seven months of effort, to use quick decisive action to end the strike by killing a few miners to bring the rest inline. His failure drives him to bouts of insanity, a loose cannon ready to explode. He set up a machine gun and gunner to open fire on the crowd at the rally after he shoots the organizer. How can Ragman stop him?

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Level 3 Action Emotions

What I learned from this assignment is that by balancing Adrenile, Excitement, and Fear along with Danger and Relief you can increase the engagement into the story and provoke emotion from the viewer.

1917 Somewhere in France

Drone view of French countryside moving toward the front over trenches to pan in on American and French soldiers moving out of trenches to run across no man’s land. A mortar shell explodes and bodies fly. (Adrenaline) A lone SOLDIER runs towards a body with legs at odd angles. He knees down beside the body and cradles his head.

SOLDIER

You alive brother.

FALLEN SOLDIER

Yes, God damn it. I can’t feel my legs.

The battle heats up.

FALLEN SOLDIER

Get going, Willie. Kill some of those bastards for me.

His face winces in pain.

FALLEN SOLDIER

(moaning) SHIT. Tell mother I love her.

(Fear) WILLIE hands his brother a canteen. Mortar shells explode kicking up dirt everywhere. Loud gunfire.

WILLIE

Got to move on. Push those bastards back.

FALLON SOLDIER

Get the hell out of here.

(Suspense) The brothers clasp hands. Willie runs off into the cloud of smoke and dirt, so thick he can barely see. In the noise, dust, smoke, and confusion of battle he escapes into a woods, unknowingly behind German lines.

His vision clears, the sounds of battle less harsh. (Fear)He walks on, careful with his steps, and finds cover in a thicket of tree branches, brush, and thorns.

The noise of battle pauses. He hears a branch snap and turns. (Fear) A German TROOPER his rifle at Willie’s heart. Feeling trapped he looks for an out.

(Excitement) He greets the man in farmer’s German to buy a few seconds to devise a plan.

WILLIE

Vegates, wo bin ich? Ich bin verloren?

TROOPER

Ich mache keine Gefangenen.

(Fear) The trooper begins to squeeze the trigger. (Adrenaline) Willie hits the dirt. The shot goes wild as the trooper falls forward to the ground. (Relief) Behind him stands a French soldier, a bloody knife in his hand. The other hand plugs a hole in his stomach where blood oozes out. The French soldier wipes the knife on his pants and tosses it to Willie. Willie grabs the German’s rifle with bloody bayonet and throws it to one side. (Fear)The Frenchman points to the knife and then to himself. He attempts a step towards Willie, removes the hand covering the hole in his stomach, and collapses. Entrails spill from the bloody hole. (Adrenaline)Willie understands what he needs to do. He grabs the knife but (Relief) the man gasps his last breath and dies. Willie pockets the knife, picks up the German’s rifle and shoulder’s it along with his own and races deeper into the woods.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Level 2 Action Emotions

What I learned from this assignment is that by adding surprise, suspense, and shock to what I thought was a good scene made it even more engaging and a good set-up for Ragman’s jailbreak rescue of Ervin.

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

A worker at the grocery store/post office in Little Italy section of Curtisville delivers a message to Ervin.

MESSENGER

My boss at the store told me the union phoned. You need to meet the delivery driver in the field near Curtisville No. 1 around 4PM to accept and help unload the supplies.

Erwin reaches in his pocket and hands the guy a coin.

ERVIN

Thank you.

Suspense:

EXT. FIELD NEAR NO. 1 – LATER

Ervin waits in his car, still no supplies. One and a half hours later he starts his engine and drives across the short stretch of street towards the main road.

Suspense:

EXT. CURTISVILLE – SAME TIME

Armed Coal and Iron Police, mounted on horses, hide behind a building.

Surprise:

As soon as Ervin’s car enters the street, they surround his vehicle forcing it to stop. Bucholtz directs the action from a short distance away. He nods. A trooper approaches the car.

TROOPER

Get out of the car.

Ervin complies and at 6 feet two inches towers over the man. Bucholtz nods, and second trooper aims his gun at Ervin’s chest.

TROOPER

Show me your pass.

Ervin fumbles in his pocket, pulls out the pass. It drops from his hand and flutters to the ground. The officer holds out his open palm.

TROOPER

I asked to see your pass.

Ervin picks up the pass and hands it over. After a quick scan the trooper gives it to Bucholtz.

BUCHOLTZ

So, we meet again carpenter. This is a Russellton pass, not good for Curtisville. You are trespassing on Ford Colliery property.

ERVIN

I’m just crossing to the public road over there.

Shock:

He points to a road less than 20 feet away.

A young trooper pokes a gun into the Ervin’s spine. Ervin stiffens his stance.

BUCHOLTZ

You are still on company property, come with us.

ERVIN

But, your jurisdiction is Russellton.

Bucholtz answers, his words slow, deliberate, and cold.

BUCHOLTZ

My jurisdiction is wherever I am. Now, you can come with us without trouble or we can shoot you,…your choice.

Ervin raises his arms in surrender. A trooper shackles and cuffs him before shoving him into the car for the drive to the lockup.

Suspense:

INT STABLE LOCKUP — LATER

Bucholtz ties the prisoner to a post near one of the horse stalls. He unleashes his famous whip from the hook on his belt. Bucholtz demonstrates his skill and accuracy; loud cracking noises slice through the air.

With each crack, Ervin struggles against his ties.

BUCHOLTZ

You escaped death once, but not this time.

Surprise:

Ervin stops all movement, resolute about his fate.

BUCHOLTZ

Irishman, remove the prisoner’s shirt.

Cooney rips the garment down to around the man’s waist. Long scars criss cross Ervin’s back. Cooney runs a finger over the widest scar sensing its thickness and texture before stepping backwards to watch a master at work.

Surprise:

The first lash tears across the scars leaving a read streak in its wake. Ervin does not cry out or fight his restraints. His eyes remain closed, muscles tensed, breath deep in anticipation of the next bite of braided leather.

Shock:

Lash, lash, lash, Bucholtz contorts his face with each consecutive blow. Lost in lunacy, he remains silent so not to compete with the snap of the whip overhead and the slicing sound as it connects with flesh. Ervin winces at the pain as his skin tears away in bloody lines that dissect the older scars.

Surprise:

Bucholtz lifts his arm once more; it freezes overhead. His face eyes enlarge into an unfocused stupor that only enhances the horror of his twisted face like he’d seen Old Nick himself or one of his minions. Bucholtz throws down the whip, glares at Ervin’s bloody back.

Suspense:

BUCHOLTZ

Tomorrow you will be DEAD. Throw him in the lockup with the sick prisoner.

Bucholtz stomps out.

Stillness falls upon the stable; even the horses cease their stomping and snorting.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Level 1 Action Emotions

What I learned from doing this assignment is that building in anxiety, fear, and relief in a scene can create a dynamic set up for future action.

EXT. BUS STOP – DAY

Ludie, the Ragman’s wife, gets off with her two little boys in tow. Two coal and iron police stop her steps from the bus.

TROOPER 1

Show us your pass.

TROOPER 2

Where did you get on the bus?

LUDIE

New Kensington.

TROOPER 2

What business do you have here?

Ludie, annoyed, digs through her large bag for her paper.

LUDIE

To my father’s house to wait for my husband to pick us up.

On the nearby porch at the boarding house, Bucholtz stops his conversation with one of his men. He oogles the attractive woman who from a distance looks like his dead love, Mina. He eyes her from head to toe, but lingers on her face. Ludie hands the trooper her paper pass.

LUDIE

Here, my pass.

The trooper returns the papers. Ludie catches the big uniformed man watching her. She stiffens, but ignores his gaze as she replaces the papers into her bag.

Trooper 1

What is your father’s name? What house is his?

Ludie

(agitated and cautious)

Stan, Stan Waloski, a third down from the top of the hill.

Trooper 1

You may go.

EXT. BLUE LANE RUSSELLTON – CONTINUOUS

Ludie grabs her boys hands and starts up the hill. She feels the stares of the big man at her back. She picks up her pace.

Bucholtz amble over to the troopers.

BUCHOLTZ

The woman’s name. What is her name and business here?

TROOPER 1

Ludie, Stan Waloski’s daughter. She’s going to wait at his house until her husband arrives to take her home.

Bucholtz smiles. With slow deliberate steps he follows a distance behind so not to be noticed. Ludie, senses she is being followedn and pulls her boys along at a quicker pace and into the house.

Bucholtz waits a few minutes, crosses the street, and climbs the stairs to the porch. Without knocking, he pushes the door open and steps inside.

INT. WALOSKI HOUSE – SECONDS LATER

Bucholtz marches into the room startling Ludie and her 15 year old sister, Reisa. Ludie stiffens with fear.

BUCHOLTZ

(loud commanding voice)

I’ve come to check on what furniture will be auctioned off prior to the evictions.

He sends Reisa a threatening look before turning his attention to Ludie, scrutinizing her face and figure. She looks down at her shoes, red spots forming on her cheeks.

STAN WALOSKI – (O.S.)

None.

Stan enters from the kitchen followed by his two grandsons.

STAN WALOSKI

I pay rent on this house and indebted to none.

Bucholtz keeps his gaze on Ludie’s face. What color are her eyes?

BUCHOLTZ

Only working miners can live in company house. Prepare for eviction.

STAN WALOSKI

But, I pay my rent.

Bucholtz continues to stare at Ludie, lust on his face. Ludie shrinks into herself, the boys hiding behind her. He turns towards Stan, his voice booming.

BUCHOLTZ

I am the law here, you will do as I say, or else.

He abruptly storms out of the house. Minutes later Ragman arrives. Ludie rushes to him and holds on tight.

RAGMAN

What was that sonofabitch doing here?

STAN WALOSKI

Threatening us.

LUDIE

I didn’t like the way he looked at me. It made me feel naked and dirty.

Ragman’s face goes dark, his jugular vein pulsates, his voice harsh.

RAGMAN

That bold sonofabitch better watch his step.

He pauses a beat.

RAGMAN

And his balls.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Favorite Twists

What I learned from this assignment is that by using this method can provide interesting situations and added opportunities for engaging action.

Danger/Safety

Ragman confronts Bucholtz and ready to fight. The commander’s men surround Ragman with cocked pointed guns. Bucholtz orders his men to stand down and keep the confrontation only between him and Ragman.

Identity Exposed

Bucholtz pulls Ragman close and whispers that he is the 17th man, the officer Ragman chose not to kill in the war.

Unexpected Weapon

Bucholtz brags about raping Ragman’s wife. Before Ragman can pull away, Bucholtz bites off his ear lobe. When Ragman pulls away, Bucholtz wraps a whip around Ragman’s neck and pulls it tight.

Things Get Worse

Ragman’s choices: being choked to death by Bucholtz or shot by one of his men; either way he dies.

Last second save

A shotgun blast gets startles everyone to freeze in place. The township constable and his deputies intervene to arrest Ragman and take him away.

Trap/Trick and Escape

Ragman’s brother, the Carpenter, is tricked onto Company property, ambushed, beaten, and locked in a jail cell by Bucholtz and his men. Ragman and Albert show up and surprised the jailers to help their brother escape.

Reversal/ Reversal Reversed

Ragman holds a shotgun on the jailers as Albert gets the keys. Ragman’s shotgun flies out of his hands when attacked from behind by another jailer, the gun landing in a horse stall. Ragman takes on his ambusher to keep him from the gun. Three other jailers attack Albert before he can open the cell.

Unexpected Weapon/ Another Reversal

Three other jailers attack Albert, a former Marine and Pacific Fleet boxing champion. He decks two of the men. The third man surprises him by being almost as skilled in the sport and a dirty fighter. Albert finds himself against the jail cell bars as Ragman struggles to retrieve his shotgun, fighting off both the jailer and the horse.

Danger/ Safety

A scream from the horse stall, startles Albert’s attacker allowing Albert to knock him out. Albert and his brother lock all the jailers in their own cell and escape with the prisoners on a rail hand car.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Why We Care

What I learned from this assignment is that doing this assignment helps to define the protagonist and antaganest and provide opportunities for conflict and action.

LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY

1.Ragman returns from WWI a hero but haunted.

2.He loves his wife, mother, two sons, and family.

3. After his carpenter brother is beaten, he takes over building barracks for the evicted mine families to live.

4. He rescues his brother and another prisoner from jail and Bucholtz torture.

5. Ragman acts tough but laughs at a good joke.

6. Built stoves for the barrack families so the children could have warmth.

7. Helped his former neighbor by getting him medical help loaning a grave for him to be buried.

8. He can be skeptical and gruff, his temper easily triggered, but he does kind acts for his family and neighbors.

9. Found places to hide the mine family survival possessions before the auction.

10. Makes a hard decision to kill one more time to save the mine families from being murdured.

EMPATHY / DISTRESS

Budholtz whips Ragman’s brother and leaves him for dead, rapes his wife, inpregnates his young sister-in-law, and plans to kill Ragman’s friends, neighbors, and coworkers.
He is haunted by the sixteen German soldiers he killed during the war and suffers from PTSD after watching his brother blown up by a mortor shell and other autrocities.
Busholtz, commander of the coal and iron police, targets Ragman’s family for harm.
After the war Ragman vows never to kill again. Bucholtz forces him to break that promise in order to save the mine families from being killed by the coal and iron police.
Bucholtz brings up Ragman’s killing of the 16 soldiers under his command but letting Bucholtz to live in shame. Bucholtz confesses he is the 17th man.

JUSTIFICATION

Ragman must kill Bucholtz to stop the planned massacre of the mine families.
Bucholtz threatens to torture Ragman before he kills him and takes his wife.
Bucholtz murders his brother and plans to kill another, a union organizer.
Ragman loses his job, family members, and the sanity of the one he holds most dear, his wife.
Buchotz holds the town’s people captive as he and his men ignore Constitiutional rights. The force into homes for search and seizure, take away freedom of speech, the right to bear arms, the right of ingress and egress, and act as judge, jury, and executioners.
Bucholtz decides to end the strike by killing the miners on the picket line.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Story Map

What I learned from this assignment is that by picking and choosing which tracks to use to integrate into the story structure can enhance how, when, and where action works best. It creates intricate balance of elements to keep things moving.

OPENING: World War 1 battlefield in France. American sharpshooter picks off 16 German soldiers marching in the woods. He leaves the cowardly officer, the 17th man remain alive. When the officier attempts suicide and fails, he agains begs to be shot. Ragman answers in German, “Coward, live with your shame.”
INCITING INCIDENT: The German officer, Herr Bucholtz, tracks down the American soldier who killed his men. Buchotz convinces executives of Republic Steel, owners of the Village of Russellton the first town to face evictions, that if given enough men and guns, he can end the strike. They hire him. The Coal and Iron Police, led by Herr Bucholtz, invade Russellton to break the strike and evict the striking miners from their homes. Ragman bristles that he needs to show ID papers in the afternoon, when none needed in the morning. His angered triggered. His father-in-law receives an eviction notice even though he paid his rent, Ragman takes him to the mine office ready to fight. Ragman’s brother Irvin, a carpenter, asks him to drive to Pittsburgh to the UMW office so he can offer his services. The union provides materials and Irvin teaches the mine families how to build barracks. <div>

FIRST TURNING POINT at end of Act 1: Bucholtz brutally whips Irvin for building union barracks. Ragman saves Irvin from death. Irvins injuries force Ragman to take over the project and joining the union fight, Ragman wanted to avoid.

4. MIDPOINT: Buchotz stalks Ragman’s wife, Ludie. He barges into her father’s house, orders her brother to be taken away and beaten, tells one of his lackey’s to her sister upstairs and rape her. When alone he assaults Ludie, she resists, he threatens her, and knocks her unconscious and has his way. When Ragman returns, she and her sister lie about what happened to protect Ragman. Ludie aborts her pregnancy, cuts off her hair, and becomes severely depressed. Bucholtz confronts her at the bus stop, astounded at the change. He asks about their child. She pushes him away telling him she killed it. He directs his rage at Ragman. Bucholtz ambushes and arrests Irvin. Ragman breaks him out of jail.

5. SECOND TURNING POINTat end of Act 2 – Ragman accosts the young coal and iron trooper looking for Ludie’s young sister, Riese.They tussle. The young man confides to Ragman about Bucholtz raping Ludie and impregnating Reise. Ragman goes berserk and runs through the fields so not to beat up the boy. Ragman moves Ludie and his sons away from Russellton. Irvin dies; Ragman, guns pointed at his body, takes on Bucholtz. Bucholtz admits he raped Ludie and is the 17th man. He bites off off Ragman’s ear-lobe. The township constable saves Ragman by arresting him.

6. CRISIS- Bucholtz gets drunk, irrational, and murders a scab and blames it on the miners. His men know the truth. The young trooper, Reise’s boyfriend, defects and brings Ragman pages ripped from Bucholtz notebook, showing a plan for a massacre. Ragman decides break his vow never to kill again, and plots to kill Bucholtz.

7. CLIMAX: The day of the planned massacre, Ragman in disguise, blends with the crowd a knife hidden in his coat. If he succeeds and get caught he will be executed for murder, if he fails, Bucholtz will kill him. Bucholtz thugs infiltrated in the crowd turn the peaceful protest into a riot. Bucholtz rides in on his horse whipping people in his path. The picket line line links arms. The crowd surges, Ragman pushed too far away and must now improvise. Bucholtz’s aims his gun at the organizer. Ragman picks up a rock and slingshots it at Bucholtz. Unsteady from the blow, Bucholtz shoots missing his target. The horse spooks, rears up, dumps Bucholtz, and the beasts hooves beat on his master’s head. The horse then surges through the crowd.

8. RESOLUTION: Bucholtz dies, trampled by his own horse, massacre stopped. Striking miners and coal and iron police all rejoice. Ragman’s role remains undetected.

</div>

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Action Structure

What I learned from this assignment his how to pair script story structure with planned action.

Opening: World War 1 battlefield in France. American sharpshooter picks off 16 German soldiers marching in the woods. He leaves the cowardly officer, the 17th man remain alive.
Inciting Incident: Coal and Iron Police, led by Herr Bucholtz, invade Russellton to break the strike and evict the striking miners from their homes.
First Turning Point at end of Act 1: Bucholtz brutally whips Ragman’s brother a carpenter building union barracks forcing Ragman to take over the project, joining a fight he hoped to avoid.

4. Midpoint: Buchotz stalks Ragman’s wife, Ludie. He barges into her father’s house, orders her brother to be taken away and beaten, tells one of his lackey’s to her sister upstairs and rape her. When alone he assaults her when she resists, he threatens her, and knocks her unconscious. When Ragman returns, she and her sister lie about what happened.

5. Second Turning Point at end of Act 2 – Ragman accosts the young coal and iron trooper looking for Ludie’s sister. They tussle. The young man confides to Ragman about Bucholtz raping Ludie and impregnating her young sister. Ragman goes bezerk, confronts Bucholtz who bites off Ragman’s ear.

6. Crisis – The young trooper defects and brings Ragman pages ripped from Bucholtz notebook, a plan for a massacre. Ragman decides break his vow, and plots to kill Bucholtz.

7. Climax: The day of the planned massacre, Ragman in disguise, blends with the crowd ready to strike. If he succeeds and get caught he will be executed for murder, if he fails, Bucholtz will kill him.

8. Resolution: Bucholtz dies, trampled by his own horse. Striking miners and coal and iron police all rejoice. Ragman threw the brick that startled the horse causing Bucholtz to fall to the ground, canceling the massacre, Ragman’s role undetected.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Action Track

What I learned from this assignment is that by building on the Mission, Villain, and Hero tracks, using the action tracks, meaningful action scenes easily emerged as a natural part of the story.

1. A. Fight (improvised object), Dangerous Situations (confronting villain despite 6 pistols pointed at him, Rescue (by the township constable), Torture (whipping)

B. Pursuit, Fight, Shootout,

C. Act I (sniping, verbal confrontation, stalking) Act II – invasion, threats, rape, beating, whipping, Act III – stalking, betrayal, death of brother, planned massacre.

2- A. Pursuit (investigating, stalking)

B. Fight (swords, physical, disarming,improvised weapons,boxing, whip, knife)

C. Shootout (sniping)

D. Rescue (jailbreak, arrest, going into the lions den, saved at the last minute.)

E. Escape (hand-car, disguise)

F. Competition – Bucholtz shows off expertise with a whip. Ragman shows no fear.

G. Dangerous Situations (innocent bystanders at risk, somewhere full of enemies)

H. Interrogation (intimidating, restraints)

I. Torture (whipping, biting off ear)

Action Scene Sequence

1. WWI scene where Ragman stalks and picks off 16 German soldiers, leaving the 17th man, the officer remain alive.

2. Ragman having to show id papers in the afternoon, when none needed in the morning.

3. Bucholtz stops Ragman driving through town, they exchange barbs and threats.

4. Bucholtz whips Ragman’s carpenter brother building barracks and leaves him for dead. Ragman save him from death.

5. Ragman takes over projects, Bucholtz sabotages the delivery of supplies leading to verbal confrontation and Bucholtz showing off his expertise with a whip. Ragman grabs the whip, throws it to the ground, stomps on it.

6. Bucholtz stalks Ragman’s wife Ludie and threatens her family. Ragman challenges Buchotz.

7. Bucholtz and his men burst into Ludie’s father’s home, orders her brother taken out of the house and beaten, orders a younger guard to raper her 15 year old sister, as he knocks Ludie unconscious and rapes her. Ludie keeps it secret.

8. Ludie aborts her child fearing Bucholtz the father. She throws it in his face when he confronts her.

9. Bucholtz ambushes and arrests Ragman’s carpenter brother, whips him again despite his previous injuries, throws him into a cell with a sick prisoner.

10. Ragman, shotgun in hand, bursts into the jail followed by another brother, a boxer, with fists ready to strike. They take on the jailers, weapons fly into a horse stall, fists find their mark, the jailers end up locked up in the cell.

11. Escape from town with the prisoners on a railroad hand car.

12. Ragman takes on a lackey of Bucholtz, Bernard, accusing him of seducing Ludie’s young sister. The young man betrays his boss and tell him Bucholtz is the father. Ragman, triggered, runs out of the house before he kills the boy in anger.

13.Ragman goes to the police barracks and confronts Bucholtz. Surrounded by coal and iron police pointing guns at him, Ragman takes on Bucholtz. Seconds from death, the township constable intervenes and arrests Ragman to rescue him.

14. Bernard defects to Ragman bringing with him Bucholtz’s note book with a plan to end the strike by massacring Ragman’s boxer brother along with the other protesting miners and their families.

15. Violent moves by Bucholtz thugs disguised as miners against scabs guarded by the coal and iron police. The miners struggle to keep things peaceful by showing solidarity singing union songs. Bucholtz arrives on horseback pushing through the crowd using his whip to get near to the rally leader. Ragman in disguise hope to get close enough to use a knife on Bucholtz before he shoots, a signal to his men to open fire. Ragman gets shoved backwards and pushed away, he grabs a brick from his pocket it an hurls it at Bucholtz’s head. Bucholtz shoot missing his target as the horse rears up, dumps Bucholtz, and tramples his head.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Villain Track

What I learned doing this assignment there are many ways to create action, both hard-hitting and subtle.

Pre Planned:

Villain: Herr Herman Bucholtz

Hero: Bill “Ragman” Gall

Prior to the movie: Baldwin-Felts Agency hands Bucholtz a get out of jail free card when they ask him to sign up to work for them in America. During his trip across the ocean, Bucholtz outlines an elaborate plan to track down, torture, and kill the American soldier who refused to let him die with honor in battle forcing him to live with his shame.

LOCATE: Track down the American soldier who killed 16 men under Bucholtz command but let him live.
TRANSFER: Bucholtz manages in 1927 to get transferred from West Virginia to western Pennsylvania during a massive strike in the coalfields around Pittsburgh.
CONVINCE: Buchotz meets with executives of Republic Steel, owners of the Village of Russellton the first town to face evictions, and convinces them that given enough men and guns, he can end the strike. They hire him.
IDENTIFY: Buchotz and his band of coal and iron police, sanctioned by the governor, invade and isolate the town. Bucholtz identifies his target, the sharpshooter who ruined his life.
STALKS: Bucholtz gathers information about Ragman’s family and others close to him. Although Ragman no longer lives in the town, his wife’s family still reside in their company house. Bucholtz offers the job of cleaning and laundry in the barracks to the young brother of Ragman’s wife
ATTRACTION: Ludie, Ragman’s wife, steps out of a bus and attracts Bucholtz attention. She is a doppelgänger of his dead wife Mina. He follows her to her father’s home and learns her identity. He plans to fulfill his lust at the first opportunity.
FIRST CONFRONTATION: Bucholtz stops Ragman as he drives on a public road through the town. Bucholtz delivers vailed threats as he sizes up his opponent. Ragman does not recognize him, but offers his resistance as he studies the commander’s reactions.
STOP THE BUILDING OF UNION BARRACKS: Bucholtz gets permission to kill the organizer, and learns that the carpenter is Ragman’s brother.
AMBUSH: Bucholtz pays one of the miners to lure the carpenter to company property where he and his men ambush him in pouring rain. Buchotz lets his toughest thugs work the man over before tying him to a truck. Bucholtz, a whip expert, whips the carpenter hoping to get him to resist or scream. When the man remains stoic, Bucholtz unleashes his anger and whips him until bloody and unconscious.
FIRST SHOT: Bucholtz and his men dump the body in the mud next to the barracks construction, leaving him to die in a place where Ragman can find him.
FOILED: Ragman, quick to find his brother and saves his life. Ragman and his boxer brother, Albert take over the barracks building and make great progress while being guarded by the township constable and deputized farmers.
SEDUCTION: Bucholtz stalks Ludie’s fifteen year old sister, seduces, and molests her on several occasions with hopes of impregnating the girl.
EVICTIONS: Bucholtz stalks Ragman’s father-in-laws house during the evictions. He waits until the men leave and bursts into the house with his thugs.
ABOMINATION: Bucholtz orders two of his henchmen to take Ludie’s gay brother up the hill to the woods to beat the abomination out of him. They leave. He orders his young officer to take Ludie’s sister upstairs and enjoy her. After they leave, he attempts to woo Ludie. When she attempts to outsmart him, he knocks her unconscious and rapes her.
AMBUSH: After the carpenter recovers and resumes building barracks in another town, Bucholtz and his men ambush him and take him to their jail. Bucholtz whips him again but shuts down in reaction to the man’s docile behavior. He leaves to get drunk in his room.
BREAKOUT: Bucholtz attacks his own men after Ragman and his activist brother sneak into town, break out the prisoners, and lock the jailers in the cell.
CONFRONTATION: After the carpenter’s death, Ragman arrives at the barracks to take on Bucholtz. The coal and iron police surround Ragman with pointed guns. Bucholtz orders them not shoot until he gives permission. Bucholtz unveils his identity to Ragman and that he had Ludie and her sister. Ragman goes ballistic and attacks Bucholtz. Bucholtz bites off Ragman’s earlobe. The township constable arrives and arrests Ragman to save him from being shot.
MASSACRE: Bucholtz devises a brilliant plan to kill Ragman’s activist brother, the leader of a planned protest at the mine and massacre the protesters as Ragman watches.
ARREST AND SUBDUE: After a successful massacre, Bucholtz plans to arrest Ragman and have Ludie brought to the jail. Bucholtz will threaten Ludie with the death of her sons if she resists as he removes her clothing, makes love to her in front of Ragman, and shoots her in the head. Ragman will beg for death but Bucholtz will deny him.

D. The fitting end

1. Ludie aborts Bucholtz’s child.

2. Ragman moves Ludie and sons to another town far away from Russellton.

2. Ragman pushes his father-in-law testify in front of a Senate investigation about his son’s brutal rape and his young daughter’s impregnation by Bucholtz.

3. The death of the carpenter throws Bucholtz into greater madness and his drinking increases.

4. His insane murder of a scab in a graveyard to blame on the striking miners, cheapens him in the eyes of his men. One, defects.

5. The company threatens to fire him unless the strike ends. His insane alcoholic brain convinces him a massacre is the only answer.

6. In the end, his faithful horse does him in, ironic but suitable. Although he walks away undetected, Ragman is haunted by all the people brutalized or murdered by Bucholtz because Ragman didn’t kill him during the war.

7. The coal and iron police under Bucholtz rejoice at the end of his brutal reign.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Hero’s Mission Track

I learned from this assignment that one idea leads to another, and using this method opens up creative thought.

1. Ask the Mission Track questions to discover your Hero’s mission.

A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds? PTSD from the great war fuels ragman’s anger.B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal? How to prevent the coal and iron police from massacring the townspeople by killing their commander, Herr Bucholtz, without detection before he gives the order.C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the Hero? Bucholtz’s relentless pursuit to brutally kill members of Ragman’s family and by a need to correct a 10-year-old mistake.D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this Hero went on this mission against this villain? Ragman could be killed or jailed for murder if he fails, his wife taken captive, and his radical brother murdered.

2. Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.

Clear Mission:

Motivation: revenge and need to save his family.Inciting Incident: Bucholtz brutally attacks Ragman’s brother, a passivist carpenter, and leaves him dead.First Action: Ragman finds and saves his brother and verbally confronts Bucholtz.Obstacle: Bucholtz targets Ragman’s wife and her family.Escalation: Bucholtz arrests the carpenter a second time, whips him, and puts him in a cell with a dying man. Ragman and his activist brother break into the jail, take on the jailers and save the carpenter and the other prisoner. The carpenter dies weeks later. When Ragman learns that the villain raped his wife, throwing her into depression, in addition to impregnating his wife’s sister, he confronts Bucholtz into a physical fight. Bucholtz bites off his earlobe. The township constable saves Ragman from being shot by arresting him. The villain plans a massacre at a protest led by the Hero’s activist brother.Overwhelming Odds: The whole force of the state coal and iron police, the county sheriff and his deputies, and the power of Republic Steel. New Plan: The Hero plans to attend the rally and kill the villain silently with his knife before the villain gets off the first shot, a signal for the police to open fire on the miners and their families.Full out Attack: The surge of the crowd pushes the Hero too far away from Bucholtz on horseback. Ragman must improvise. He flings a brick and hits his mark. Success: The Bucholtz misses his shot before falling to the ground spooking his horse. The horse rears up, flails his hooves, and tramples his master’s head before surging through the crow. During the confusion, Ragman moves in for the final kill. He ducks under the crowd, removes his outer layer of clothing and pops up as a different person.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Hero and Villian:

What I learned from this assignment is that filling in the blanks gives direction, going back through the original answers using the if-than concept can add unexpected possibilities.

Hero Morally Right: Trying to save his brother, wife, and fellow striking miners.
Villain Morally Wrong: Wants revenge against the soldier who disgraced him at any cost, the same with ending the strike.

Hero

A. Unique Skill Set: sharpshooter, inventive, mechanical skills, can be fearless and ruthless.
B. Motivation: Ragman seeks to avenge his brother’s death, the rape of his wife, and now must prevent another brother, fellow miners and their families from being killed in a massacre.
C. Secret or Wound: Ragman killed 16 German soldiers during the Great War, but left the commander remain alive. He suffers from PTSD.
Wound: Watching his older brother blown up by a mortar shell, haunted from coldly killing 16 men.

Villain

A. Unbeatable: Herr Bucholtz, commander of an army of coal and iron police sent into the Russellton coalfields to end the strike, is obsessed with torturing and then killing the man who dishonored him in battle.
B. Plan/Goal: To conquer, isolate, and break the striking miners by targeting their families; but, more importantly, to target the soldier, the source of his humiliation, by killing all that the man holds dear.
C. What they lose if Hero survives: If the strikers win, and Bucholtz fails his mission, loses his job, dignity, and life.

` Impossible Mission

A. Puts Hero in Action: to defeat the invading company henchmen, coal and iron police, and correct a 20 year old mistake.
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: Ragman must stay a step ahead the madman Bucholtz and his unlimited minions, to stop the abuse of the mine families and do it without detection.
C. Destroy the Villain: When Ragman’s perfect plan goes awry, he improvises, kills Bucholtz at a distance and without a sound while laying blame on the Buchotz’s horse.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Conventions

Concept: To prevent a massare of mine families at a protest, a coal mine mechanic and Great War hero must devise a plan to stop the coal and iron police commander and not get caught.

Conventions

Hero: A mine mechanic and WWI hero.
Demand For Action: Invasion of his town by coal and iron police led by a ruthless commander who targes the mechanic’s family for abuse.

Mission: To protect his family.

Antagonist: Ruthless Commander of the coal and iron police bent on ending the strike at any cost.

Escalating Action: verbal confrontation leads to retaliation from the man in power against the hero’s brother and wife. Physical confrontation escalates the commander’s plan to massicare the striking miners.

[Rebecca Sukle]

1. Rebecca Sukle

2. I have completed two scripts ready for marketing, plus the first draft of another.

3. I hope to learn how to write action scenes for the present story I am working on.

4. I am the author of two historical novels about labor history and teach yoga.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Wrong spot for thi post.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Lesson 26, Cycle 6

Rebecca’s QE Cycle 6 – Draft 3

Logline: Co-workers, just friends, climb down into a crevice, bicker, but pull together for survival during a surprise thunderstorm and flash flood.

Essence: He wants her. He’s her crush, but fear forces her push him away.

SCENE:

EXT. NELSON LEDGES PARK – AFTERNOON

1966, beautiful Spring day. MARCUS Mosel (24, athletic, smart) and co-worker, CARLY Albert (24, naturally luscious but reserved) stand at the edge of a steep cliff. He carries a backpack, picnic lunch and wine inside; Carly a small hip bag filled with minimal survival gear.

CARLY

Don’t you think we should wait for your friends?

MARCUS

They’re not coming.

She smacks him on the shoulder.

CARLY

You tricked me. There’s just us? I’m not sure I want to go any farther.

MARCUS

And waste this beautiful afternoon? Don’t worry; I’ll behave.

CARLY

Where now?

Marcus points into the crevasse.

Carly stares down at at the steep wall and bites her lip.

CARLY

Here? I don’t think I can do this. I’m not good with heights.

Marcus flashes a dazzling smile (perfect teeth) complete with sparkling blue eyes.

MARCUS

I thought you were a hardy farm girl. Come on; I’ll go down first and guide you. Trust me.

She controls her fear and follows his instructions down the steep wall.follows. She missteps, his hand guides her foot, and he catches at the bottom.

MARCUS

You did it. Be prepared for a treat, one of my favorite places.

CONTINUOUS:

They walk in silence along the bottom by a trickling creek, a beautiful world of moss, hanging roots, vines, and fairy waterfalls. The canyon opens into a wider area with a big rock, calm pool, and thin trickles of water that fall from the cliff.

CARLY

This is magical, so lovely.

Overheard, black clouds block out the sun. A rumble of thunder rolls down the canyon. Marcus and Carly check the sky.

CARLY

Marcus, I hate lightning more than heights; flash floods terrify me. Let’s go back.

Marcus looks around for a plan, the walls too steep and slick. He spies a familiar climbable ledge a short distance ahead. The rain pours.

CARLY

(Snippy)

Didn’t you think to check the weather?

MARCUS

(Snappy)

Did you? Follow me.

CARLY

Where, into more danger? Let’s go back the way we came.

The rain moves from heavy to deluge.

MARCUS

Not an option.

He grabs her arm and pulls her along. Numerous waterfalls flow in a heavy stream. The trail disappears, the rising water flows faster. They run to a\ledge. Marcus climbs up a few feet and throws his backpack over the edge. He jumps back down.

MARCUS

Carly, stand on my shoulders and climb up.

Marcus squats; Carly climbs on his shoulders, carefully stands, and clambers onto the ledge. The water rises even faster. Marcus jumps up and scales the wall to reach Carly. He helps boost her to an outcropping higher up and follows.

Lightning streaks; a loud boom explodes. Startled, Carly inches backward to a bush and grabs it, dizzy as she looks down on the swift flow of rising water as it pulses through the narrow canyon.

MARCUS

Carly, you got a rope in your pack?

He rummages in his backpack and pulls out a metal spike loop, hammer, and 10-foot line. He hammers the anchor into a rock at the rear of the ledge.

CARLY

(Sarcastic)

Ok, genius, now what?

MARCUS

Insurance in case the water reaches this high.

He ties the rope securely to the metal loop.

MARCUS (CONT.)

Now tie your rope to the bush and hand me the loose end.

CARLY

Why? I might need it.

MARCUS

Shut up and give me the rope.

Carly glares but ties her rope to the bush. She delivers the other end with a dramatic throw, steps backward, and falls into the rushing water. Marcus pulls out the bush and throws it to Carly. She grabs it; water covers her face. Marcus struggles against the current to pull her back. He lifts Carly and bush out of the water, pulls her to safety. Carly shakes all over. Thankful, Marcus hugs her close; she pulls away, embarrassed, still shaking. He draws her backward to a sheltering shallow cave.

CARLY

(Vibrating voice)

I’m ok, just shivery.

Marcus digs into his backpack, pulls out a blanket, and rips off her shirt. Carly slaps his face. He grabs her arm and pulls off her hip pack.

MARCUS

Take off your bra, and shorts.

Carly’s face distorts with fear. He rubs his face.

MARCUS

I’m not going to hurt you. I’m trying to save you.

He holds the blanket up high between them and looks away. Carly drops the clothing. He gently wraps the blanket around her and holds up her pack.

MARCUS

Do you carry matches in here?

Carly, shaking uncontrolled, nods yes.

MARCUS (CONT.)

I hope they’re waterproof.

She nods again. Marcus finds matches, wax candle, and a Swiss Army knife. He finds dry sticks in the cave and builds a fire near the mouth. He shakes out the bush, leans it against a wall, and removes his tee-shirt, and places it along with Carly’s clothes on the branches to dry.

CARLY

(Shaking voice)

I’m so cold and can’t stop shaking.

MARCUS

Forgive me for acting inappropriate, but I need to share the blanket and my body heat to keep you warm. Hypothermia will send you into shock.

Carly turns her face away, opens the blanket. Marcus places his body against hers and pulls them prone to the cave floor. They both remain silent until the shaking slows to a stop.

MARCUS

Feeling warmer?

CARLY

Yes.

MARCUS

Good.

He jumps out from under the blanket and turns his back to her and out into the rain to cool his manhood.

CARLY

Do you always know the right thing to do?

MARCUS

For me, there’s no right or wrong way, just possibilities and probabilities.

He leans out over the ledge to check the water levels and replaces his shirt.

CARLY

How high?

MARCUS

Me or the water? Sorry, it’s about two feet below the ledge.

He sits beside Carly lost in thought. Carly prays. Soon the rain stops. He rechecks the water level.

MARCUS

Not much higher. I think we’re safe for now unless the rain kicks in again. After adding more wood to the small fire, he snuggles close to her.

CARLY

How long before the water goes down?

MARCUS

What’s your guess, farm girl?

CARLY

I don’t know. I’m cold, thirsty, and hungry. What if the water takes days to go down? Do we swim out? No one knows where we are. I could lose my job. It’s dark outside, and I’ve never felt so helpless.

MARCUS

Unrealistic fears. Why do you think I know all the answers?

CARLY

You always do, so damn smart.

Carly’s lip quivers. Tears flood.

CARLY

I’m sorry. I should be grateful you saved my life not once but twice and all I do is complain. I’m usually more resilient.

MARCUS

I’m the one who messed up, put you in danger. I had planned something much different for our first date.

CARLY

It wasn’t a date, just a hike with a friend. What did YOU have in mind?

MARCUS

Not what you’re thinking. Just the two of us, a simple picnic on the rock by the pool, conversation, dinner after the hike. Every time I try to get to know you better, you get distracted or push me away.

Carly softens.

CARLY

I guess I misjudged you. I apologize for that.

Marcus brightens, beams his pearly whites.

MARCUS

At least, we still have the picnic.

He rummages into his backpack and pulls out cheese, salami, a baguette, and a kitchen knife. His hand reaches back in for a bottle of wine, cork puller, and two plastic cups. Carly spreads out the blanket for him to share. She redresses into her partially dried shirt and shorts and hands him a small water bottle from the hip pack.

CARLY

Perhaps, we should ration what we have.

She eyes the spread on the blanket and tears up.

CARLY

I’m not usually this emotional. Thank you, this is nice.

They eat, drink, and converse.

MARCUS

We’ve known, excuse me, been co-workers for a year and a half now. I notice that you constantly change the subject or joke around when I try to get personal. Why?

She gulps her wine.

CARLY

You tease me a lot, so I joke. I fear if I take the bait, you’ll mock me. I’m not beautiful or glamorous, just a plain nerdy Chemist.

MARCUS

Teasing? It’s called flirting.

She remains silent as she debates letting her guard down.

MARCUS (CONT.)

If you don’t understand flirting, then you, my dear, despite your numerous assets, have been sorely neglected.

CARLY

Most men scheme to get into my bra. They think my IQ is inversely proportional to my cup size until they learn I work in a Chemistry lab and dump me after one date. I refuse to be a one-night stand. I worked too hard to get where I am. I don’t want an unplanned pregnancy to ruin my life.

She contacts with his eyes.

CARLY (Cont.)

Or kill MY possibilities. Frankly, Marcus, I’m uncomfortable around you, feel awkward, you’re just too much.

He’s puzzled.

MARCUS

Why? I respect you, your work ethic, kindness, humor, bright mind, even being overly helpful.

CARLY

What do you mean overly helpful? Bossy?

MARCUS

You always go by the manual, need to do things the correct way. Manuals often provide wrong information. Sometimes there is no right or wrong, just choices. How do I make you uncomfortable?

His eyes bore into hers. Carly avoids his stare and squints into her cup.

CARLY

Because?

MARCUS

That’s a lame answer. Do I threaten you? Tell me.

He lifts her chin and gazes into her eyes. She melts, her voice soft.

CARLY

Yes, you threaten my future and yours. You wake up feelings, in me. I find it too easy to love you. But, it can never work out for us, better to save the heartache.

Her reply startles him, renders him speechless. He gets busy packing up the food, adding more fuel to the fire. He sits down opposite her. She shrinks into herself.

MARCUS

Question truth time. I ask you a question. You get to ask me one. Tell me about the farm. Did you always live there?

Carly, uncomfortable, stares into her wine.

CARLY

No. We lived in a pretty house on a lake in New Jersey until I was ten. My father moved two years earlier. Mom and I would visit until she sold the house. The farm was isolated, the buildings in a deep valley, a long walk uphill on a rutted lane to the bus stop. No electricity, running water, toilet down the path, and the bath tub hung on the wall. I learned how to care for chickens, milk a goat, and help my father with the sheep. My dog and I watched them during the day, no fencing. I’d take a bag of books with me and read to pass the time. That’s it. You asked.

She smiles, giddy, and sips more wine. Marcus chuckles.

MARCUS

See that wasn’t so hard. Your turn.

CARLY

Is it true that your father heads the FBI office in Cleveland?

MARCUS

Yes. Do you have any siblings?

Her face turns sad.

CARLY

Only one living brother. He’s fourteen years older. My other brother, ten years older, drowned saving his dog. You?

His face shows compassion.

MARCUS

I’m the only one. Why did your father move to the farm?

Carly leans out of the cave and looks up at the night sky, the clouds replaced by millions of stars. She points upward.

CARLY

Marcus, look. So many stars. You can see the Milky Way. It’s almost hard to make out the constellations. I love to look at them and think about the legends behind the names. How about you?

Marcus takes a quick look.

MARCUS

You’re doing it again, avoiding my question. I can play name the constellations too. See that red-looking star. It’s not a star but the planet my mother named me for.

Carly, tipsy now, rambles on.

CARLY

Mars? Of course, Marcus, Latin for Mars. So, you like astronomy.

MARCUS

My mother teaches it at Western Reserve. I plan to start work at Lewis Field NASA this fall. I still have a year to complete my PhD. I’ll be busy.

The couple moves back to the cave under the cave and snuggle close.

CARLY

Your last name, Mosel, Jewish?

MARCUS

My grandfather was, my grandmother catholic. She raised my father in her faith, and he married my mother, a Lutheran. What about you?

CARLY

My family doesn’t belong to a religion. I went to a Presbyterian church when young and attended a Lutheran College. I guess I’m an unaffiliated Christian.

MARCUS

Does your mother have a career?

CARLY

Yes, homemaker, the glue that holds our family together. Please don’t ask me again about my father.

She shivers; he wraps the blanket around her, pulls her close, and kisses her. This time she responds. He pulls the blanket around both of them. They sink to the cave floor and lean against the wall.

MARCUS

Do you believe in fate? Irony?

CARLY

I think so. This disastrous outing could be our fate to get closer so we can survive.

MARCUS

A story to tell our grandchildren.

She ignores the comment.

CARLY

Irony? I’m not what you think I am. If you only knew.

MARCUS

Knew what? Mystery woman, what are you hiding that has so inhibited your life? Carly, I love everything about you. You can confide in me, release the burden so you can move on. I promise not to tell anyone.

CARLY

Especially not your dad? Please, if certain people find my father, they will kill him and the rest of our family. That’s why we went into hiding.

Marcus looks into her eyes. She melts against him.

MARCUS

I promise to protect you, not tell anyone, especially my father.

Carly blurts it out.

CARLY

My real name isn’t Carly Albert; my father was a high-ranking member of the Communist Party.

MARCUS

Are you serious?

CARLY

Dead serious. Pap tried to leave. They wouldn’t let him because he knew too much. They took out a contract to kill him and later threatened the rest of us. He left, we followed later and disappeared. Neither the FBI nor their covert communist agents could find us. That’s why there’s no future for you and me, only tonight or until the water goes down.

She breaks into tears. Marcus pulls her closer and kisses them away.

MARCUS

Marry me, Carly. I’ll protect you and your secret. Marry me.

Shocked, Carly starts to speak. Marcus kisses the words into silence.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s QE Cycle 6, first draft

LOGLINE: Co-workers and just friends, go on a hike, climb down into a crevice, bicker, but pull together for survival during a surprise thunderstorm and flash flood.

ESSENCE: He wants her. He’s her crush but fear forces her push him away. Why?

SCENE:

EXT. NELSON LEDGES PARK – AFTERNOON

1966, beautiful Spring day. MARCUS Mosel (24, athletic, smart) leads his friend and coworker, CARLY Albert ( 24, naturally luscious but reserved) along a wooded trail. He carries a backpack picnic lunch and wine, she a small hip bag filled with minimal survival gear. They stop at the edge of a cliff and look down. Her eyes go wide.

CARLY

Don’t you think we should wait for your friends?

MARCUS

And waste this beautiful afternoon? They know where I’m headed. Let them find us.

Carly stares down the cliff into a narrow crevasse and bites her lip.

CARLY

I don’t know, Marcus. It looks a long way down. I’m not too good with heights.

He flashes a dazzling smile (perfect teeth) complete with twinkling blue eyes.

MARCUS

I thought you were a hardy farm girl. Come on I’ll go down first and guide you.

She follows him down the cliff. He guides her feet, catches her at the bottom, and pauses before letting go.

CONTINUOUS:

They walk in silence along the bottom by a trickling creek, a beautiful world of moss, hanging roots, vines, and fairy waterfalls. The canyon opens into a wider area with a big rock, still pool, and thin trickles of water that fall from the cliff overhead. Overhead, dark clouds suddenly gather. The streaks of sunlight disappear. A rumble of thunder rolls down the canyon. Marcus and Carly look up.

CARLY

Marcus, I hate lightning more than heights, and flash floods terrify me. Let’s go back.

Marcus looks around for a plan, the walls steep here. He spies a climbable ledge a short distance ahead with a possible cave. The rain pours.

CARLY

(Snippy)

Didn’t you think to check the weather?

MARCUS

(Snappy)

Did you? Follow me.

CARLY

Where, into more danger? Let’s just go back the way we came.

The rain moves from heavy to deluge.

MARCUS

Not an option.

He grabs her arm and pulls her along. Numerous waterfalls flow over the cliff edge. The trail beside the stream disappears, the rising water flows faster. They run to the ledge. Marcus climbs up a few feet and throws his backpack over the edge. He goes back down.

MARCUS

Carly, stand on my shoulders and climb up. I’ll follow.

Marcus squats, Carly sits on his shoulders, carefully stands, and clambers onto the ledge. The water rises even faster. Marcus jumps up and climbs to the ledge. He helps to boost her to the larger outcropping higher up and follows.

Lightning streaks overhead, a loud boom explodes overhead. Startled, Carly moves closer to Marcus and inches backward closer to a bush on the ledge and grabs onto it when she looks down. Fast moving rising water pulses through the narrow section of canyon.

MARCUS

Carly, you got rope in your pack? Give it to me.

She complies. How did he know? He rummages in his backpack and pulls out a metal spike loop, hammer, and 10 foot line. He hammers the loop into a rock at the rear of the ledge.

CARLY

(Sarcastic)

Ok genius, now what?

MARCUS

Insurance in case the water reaches this high.

He ties the rope securely to the metal loop.

MARCUS (CONT.)

Now tie your rope to the bush and hand me the loose end.

CARLY

Why? I might need it.

MARCUS

Shut up and give me the rope.

Carly, angry, glares at Marcus but ties her rope to the bush. She delivers a dramatic throw, steps backwards, and falls into the rushing water. Marcus pulls out the bush and throws it to Carly. She grabs it, water covers her face. Marcus struggles against the current and pulls her back. He lifts Carly and the bush upwards, grabs her under the arms and they fall backwards into the shallow cave. Carly shakes all over. Marcus hugs her close for a long time, both silent. She pulls away, embarrassed, still shaking.

CARLY

(Vibrating voice)

I’m ok, just shivery.

Marcus digs into his backpack and pulls out a blanket. He rips off her hip pack and shirt. He turns his back.

MARCUS

Take off your bra and shorts.

He wraps the blanket around her, finding it hard not to admire her body. He holds up her pack.

MARCUS

You got any matches in here.

Carly still shivering, nods yes.

MARCUS (CONT.)

I hope they’re waterproof.

Carly nods again. Marcus finds the waterproof match container, wax candle, and a Swiss Army knife. He cuts branches from the bush and lays them on the floor of the shallow cave and covers them with dry weeds. The woody part, he cuts into strips, add slices of way, and starts a small fire ringed by loose rocks and dirt. The cliff overhang protects them from the rain. Marcus removes his shirt.

CARLY

(Shaking voice)

What are you doing?

MARCUS

I apologize in advance for appearing fresh. I’m going to help warm your body if you let me share the blanket. Your clothes are soaking wet, the temperature dropping. I don’t want you to go into shock.

Carly turns her face away and opens the blanket. He wraps his arms around her and readjusts the blanket. She snuggles closer. They sit with their backs against the cave side until the shaking stops.

MARCUS

You feeling warmer?

CARLY

Yes. Do you always know the right thing to do?

He smiles.

MARCUS

I don’t look at things as right or wrong, just possibilities and probabilities.

He pulls away and readjusts the blanket. He leans out over the ledge to check the water levels, and replaces his shirt.

CARLY

How high?

MARCUS

A foot below the ledge.

He sits lost in thought for a long time. Carly, prays. The rain stops.

He checks the water level again.

MARCUS

No higher. I think we’re safe for now, unless the rain kicks in again.

He adds more bush kindling to the small fire and snuggles close to her.

CARLY

How long before the water goes down?

MARCUS

What’s your guess, farm girl?

CARLY

I don’t know. By morning? I’m cold, thirsty, and hungry. What if the water takes days to go down? Do we swim out? No one know’s where we are. I’ll lose my job. It’s dark outside, and I can’t do anything about it.

She starts to cry.

MARCUS

(Snappy)

Why do you expect me to know all the answers?

CARLY

You always do.

MARCUS

I had something much different in mind for our first date.

CARLY

It wasn’t a date. Only a hike with you and your friends.

MARCUS

No friends, just you and me alone. I tricked you. Every time I try to get to know you better you push me away.

CARLY

What else did you have in mind?

MARCUS

Not what you’re thinking. Just a simple picnic on the rock by the pool. Conversation. Dinner after the hike.

Carly’s lip quivers. Tears flood again.

CARLY

I’m sorry. I thought I was going to die. You saved my life. And, all I do is complain.

MARCUS

We still have the picnic.

He rummages into his back pack and pulls out cheese, salami, a baguette, and kitchen knife. His hand reaches back in for a bottle of wine, cork puller, and two plastic cups. Carly turns her back to spread out the blanket for him to share. She replaces her partially dried shirt and shorts. She hands him a small bottle of water from her hip pack.

CARLY

Perhaps, we should ration what we have.

She eyes the spread on the blank and tears up again.

CARLT

I’m usually the one to bring food. Thank you. Actually, this is nice.

They eat, drink, and converse.

MARCUS

I’m not a jerk, I never meant to give you that impression. We’ve known, excuse me, been co-workers for a year and a half now. Why do you always change the subject or joke around when I try to ask you out or ask a personal question?

She takes a gulp of wine.

CARLY

I never thought you a jerk. You scare me.

MARCUS

Why? I respect you, your work ethic, kindness, humor, bright mind, even being overly helpful.

CARLY

What do you mean overly helpful? Bossy?

MARCUS

Always going by the book, the need to do things the right way. The right way depends on perception. Way do I scare you?

Carly squints at her cup.

CARLY

Because? I don’t trust you could be interested in me.

MARCUS

That’s not an answer. Why do I scare you? Tell me.

He gazes into her eyes. She melts, her voice soft.

CARLY

It will be easy for me to, to, love you. There, I’ve said it. But, it will never work out for us, better to save the heartache.

Her reply startles him. He adds more fuel to the fire only source of light. She packs the remaining food into his backpack, and pours more wine. His eyes bore into her.

MARCUS

Tell me about the farm. Did you always live there?

Carly, uncomfortable, stares into her wine.

CARLY

No. We lived in a pretty house on a lake in New Jersey until I was ten. My father moved two years earlier. Mom and I would visit until she sold the house. The farm was isolated, the houses in a deep valley, a long walk uphill on a rutted lane to the bus stop. No electricity, spring water, toilet down the path, and the bath tub hung on the wall. I learned how to care for chickens, milk a goat, and help my father with the sheep. My dog and I watched them during the day, no fencing. I’d take a bag of books with me and read to pass the time. That’s it. You asked.

She smiles, and sips more wine. Marcus stares at her and smiles back.

MARCUS

Why did your father move to the farm?

Carly leans out of the cave and looks up at the night sky. The clouds now gone, replaced by millions of stars. Carly points upward.

CARLY

Marcus, look at all the stars. You can even see the Milky Way. It’s almost hard to make out the constellations. I love to look at them and think about the legends behind the names. How about you?

Marcus looks up and points.

MARCUS

You’re doing it again, avoiding my question. I can play name the constellations too. See that red looking star. It’s not really a star but the planet my mother named me for.

Carly, bubbly now, rambles on.

CARLY

Mars? Of course, Marcus, Latin for Mars. So you like astronomy?

MARCUS

My mother teaches it at Western Reserve. That’s why I plan to start work at Lewis Field NASA this fall. I still have a year to complete my PhD. I’ll be busy.

The couple move under the overhang and snuggle close.

CARLY

Lab gossip tells me that your father is head of the Cleveland FBI office and Jewish.

MARCUS

I’m not Jewish. My grandfather was, my grandmother catholic. She raised my father in her faith and he married my mother, a Lutheran. What about you?

CARLY

My family didn’t belong to a religion. A neighbor girl took me with her to the Presbyterian church. I attended a Lutheran College. I guess I’m an unaffiliated Christian.

MARCUS

Now, Miss Carly. Was that so hard? Does your mother have a career?

CARLY

Yes, she’s a homemaker, the glue that holds our family together. Please don’t ask me again about my father.

She shivers. Marcus add the last branch to the fire. He pulls her close and kisses her. This time she responds. He pulls the blanket close around them.

MARCUS

Do you believe in fate? Irony?

CARLY

I think so. This disastrous outing could be our fate to get closer so we can survive. Irony? If you only knew.

MARCUS

Knew what? What is the secret that has so affected your life? I love you Carly, everything about you. Tell me so you can be free to move on with your life. I promise not to tell anyone.

CARLY

Especially not your dad? Please, if certain people find my father they will kill him. That’s why we went into hiding.

Marcus looks into her eyes. She melts against him.

MARCUS

I promise to protect you and not tell anyone.

Carly blurts it out.

CARLY

My father once was a high ranking member of the Communist Party.

MARCUS

Are you serious?

CARLY

Afraid so. He tried to leave and the party took out a contract to kill him. The mafia warned Pap. He left and we disappeared. Neither the FBI nor their communist agents could find us. That’s why there’s no future for us, only tonight or until the water goes down.

She breaks into tears. Marcus pulls her closer and kisses them away.

MARCUS

Marry me Carly. I’ll protect you and your secret.

Shocked, Carly starts to speak. Marcus kisses the words into silence.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Great Job with this. Checkmarks in almost all the boxes providing for an enjoyable read. The only trait missing was Phillip being guilt ridden but that could be fixed in a few lines of dialog. Change the setting to a large auditorium and giving Brandy the opportunity to belt out a song creating a America’s Got Talent moment with the audience (hope of fame) would make your ending even more spectacular and create a bigger cliff hanger. These are just mote points. Impressive.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Cycle 5 Feedback Exchange

REWRITTEN SCENE:

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

It’s 4AM, car headlights enter a parking lot behind a high rise apartment building in a dangerous seedy area of the city. The car parks in a section with blown out lights.

INT. CAR – CONT.

PHILLIP, early twenties and preppy, shuts down the engine; BRANDY, slightly younger (blonde hair blue eyes), exits the car. She checks out the empty lot and hops into the back seat.

BRANDY

Phillip, you’ll be more comfortable back here.

She pats the back seat and runs her fingers through the hairs up the back of his neck.

PHILLIP

Why did your brother pick this place and awful hour?

BRANDY

He said all the night people pass out, and very few people in public housing head out for jobs this early. It’s quiet and peaceful

. I’m lonely back here by myself. Please.

Phillip caves and joins her in the backseat. Brandy curls up close to him.

PHILLIP

You sure he’ll show?

BRANDY

He said between 4 and 4:30. How long will you be good?

PHILLIP

Two hours.

Brandy kisses him deep and snuggles closer. Phillip puts his arm around her shoulders.

BRANDY

Philip, I was thinking.

PHILIP

That could be dangerous for you.

They both laugh.

BRANDY

(Still chuckling)

Seriously! When do I get to meet your mother? I’ve never met a Senator before.

Phillip cringes slightly

PHILLIP

Mom’s only a state senator. This will be my last hit. I promise.

Perhaps, at graduation.

Phillip smiles, Brandy brightens.

BRANDY

I can’t wait? I’ve never been close to a celebrity or anyone as rich and put together as your mother.

Phillip fakes a smile before turning serious.

PHILLIP

Bran, my habit, it’s just between you and me. Don’t ever reveal my real name, not even to your brother. If the press found out they’d have a field day. It would ruin my mom. Promise me. If I keep up my grades, I can finish first in my class. Only a month to graduation. Afterwards, I’ll get clean. Things will be good for me, for us.

Phillip shoots her a sincere loving look.

BRANDY

Sweetheart, I love you. I would never ever snitch on you to anyone. You should know that.

She picks up his hand and places it over her heart and connects with his eyes. They remain like that for a few beats. Brandy removes her sweater, no bra underneath. She replaces his hand and holds in place with hers.

BRANDY

You want to, you know, while we wait? Ever do it in the back seat?

Phillip removes both hands, kisses hers, and checks out the parking lot.

PHILLIP

No, I prefer the comfort of privacy of my bed. What if your brother catches us?

BRANDY

Danny never runs on time. (seductive look) Come on I’ll make it fun.

She unbuttons Phillips shirt and runs her hands over his chest. Phillip begins to warm. She moves down towards his jeans and unzips them. He responds.

BRANDY

Pleasure me, honey, make me sing.

A bright light flashes into the front seat and then blinds the couple. They jump apart and hurriedly rearrange their clothes.

They hear a tap on the window.

BRANDY (whispering)

Oh shit, Danny.

A second flashlight beams in on them and they hear voices. Fear freezes on Brandy’s face. Could it be thugs? Someone tries the door on Phillips side, finds it unlocked, and opens it. The man with the flashlight beams the light on himself. The flashlight on the other side of the car illuminates the partially dressed Phillip and Brandy. It’s the POLICE.

OFFICER 1

Get out of the car NOW.

Brandy zaps on her sweater. Phillip zips his jeans. The both exit the car. The second officer joins the group and stands between the couple and the car.

OFFICER 1

What are you doing HERE?

Brandy becomes flippant at being caught in a compromising position. Phillip retains his cool.

BRANDY

What the hell do you think we were doing?

OFFICER 1

That’s, but why here in this parking space, behind this building in an unsafe neighborhood at…

Officer checks his watch.

OFFICER 1 (CONT.)

At 4:15 AM in the morning?

The officer flashes his light on Phillip’s stupid embarrassed grin but the young man remains silent.

BRANDY

Do you think we’d do it while driving? That’s crazy, it would cause an accident. We got heated up, so stopped. Didn’t to get arrested for diddling and driving.

She laughs at her own joke. Officer 2 flashes a light into her eyes. Brandy squints.

OFFICER 2

Cut the crap girlie. How old are you?

BRANDY

Twenty one.

Phillip finally speaks up.

PHILLIP

Yes, officer, she’s twenty-one.

Both officers motion the couple to in front of the headlights of the patrol car. They oblige. Officer 1 glares at Brandy, his voice rough.

OFFICER 1

Again, why did you originally park in a neighborhood that hates privileged white folk? You’re lucky we came by.

Brandy gets nervous.

BRANDY

We’re here to meet up with my brother. He sent me a text to meet him in this exact spot and that he’d be here between 4 and 4:30. He’s driving from Newport News.

The officer looks like he’s not buying it. Brandy’s mind races. at She points up at a window in the apartment building.

BRANDY (CONT.)

My brother lived here. His girlfriend kicked him out.

She looks towards Phillip.

OFFICER 1

No whites live in that building.

BRANDY (CONT.)

Danny and me have different mothers. He asked Creed and me to help him get his personal belongings from, ugh, Lucretia.

The officer shakes his head with disbelief. He looks towards Phillip.

OFFICER 1

At a known drug transaction sight, girlfriends, are always quick to protect their scum ball boyfriends.

Brandy moves in close to Phillip and puts a protective arm around him.

BRANDY

Phil’s not a scum ball. He’s a good boyfriend. Smart, goes to college, prominent family.

Phillip squirms and moves slightly away.

PHILLIP

Brandy, tell the truth. It’s ok. They’re on to us. Stop with the lies.

Both officers stand waiting, one hand on hip the other on gun handles. Brandy, frightened, begins to shake.

BRANDY

(Agitated)

Ok, Ok. We’re here to meet a drug dealer, make a buy. Phillip has a problem, ran out medicine.

OFFICER 2

Is the drug dealer your brother? You said you were meeting him here?

BRANDY

(Rattled)

No, my God. He lives in the building. What time is it?

OFFICER 2

4:25.

OFFICER 1

I need to see some ID.

PHILLIP

Yes, Sir. My wallets in the front cup holder. Brandy’s purse on the floor of the passenger side.

Officer 2 to grabs the wallet and purse from the car. He hands the wallet to Phillip and the purse to Officer 1.

OFFICER 1

Please hand me your drivers license.

Philip complies. The officer checks the ID and chuckles. Phillip looks down. The officer holds up Brandy’s large purse.

BRANDY

It’s in my billfold.

Officer 1 rummages through the purse and comes up with a square flowered zippered make up bag along with the matching wallet. He hands the wallet to Brandy who gives him her ID. Officer 1 hands it to Officer 2 who looks at it and returns it to Brandy.

OFFICER 2

Interesting.

Officer 1 unzips the makeup bag. His face lights up.

OFFICER 1

And what do we find in here? Is this your makeup bag?

BRANDY

(Combative)

No, never saw it before.

Phillip looks surprised, the officer disgusted.

PHILLIP

Brandy, stop it with the lies. She carries a hit kit and NARCAN for me.

Officer 1 hands the drug-kit to Officer 2 who looks inside, secures it in an evidence bag, and takes it to the patrol car. Officer 1 reads Brandy her rights. Officer 2 returns with a pair of handcuffs and cuffs Brandy. She screams, kicks, and cries as they put her into the patrol car. They drive off and Phillip returns to his car and cries out his guilt.

EXT. PARKING LOT – MOMENTS LATER

Car lights speed into the lot. Phillip gets out and waits by his car. The other car stops close. DANNY, bi-racial African-American, gets out.

PHILLIP

You’re late.

DANNY

Where’s my sister?

PHILLIP

She had other plans.

Danny checks out the parking lot. Still no activity.

DANNY

You got the money?

PHILLIP

Yes.

He holds up a wad of bills.

PHILLIP

Now, let me see the goods.

Danny opens the bag, Phillip examines the contents.

PHILLIP

Three hundred, that right?

DANNY

Six. That’s pharmaceutical grade.

Phillip peels of six bills from the wad and hands it to Danny. Danny examines the bill before handing the purchase to Phillip. Phillip gets into his car, and drives towards the parking lot entrance and suddenly stops.

Four screaming patrol cars, lights flashing, speed past him and surround Danny’s car. Phillip watches as Danny and his accomplice get cuffed and placed into a patrol car that speeds off.

Phillip backs up his car, exits, and walks over to a detective. He hands him the bag. Men in the background search Danny’s car.

PHILLIP

Hi Tim, here’s your evidence.

TIM

We finally nailed that slimy a-hole. Vindication at last, for my kid brother.

PHILLIP

Jake didn’t deserve to die so young.

TIM

Thanks Phil, great work.

They man-hug. Tim looks towards the group searching the car.

TIM

What you find?

OFFICER

The mother load…cash, drugs, and firearms.

Tim smiles like he just won the lottery.

TIM

Go home Phil, get some rest. Come by the precinct tomorrow around eleven for a debriefing.

PHILLIP

Any word on Brandy?

TIM

Singing like a bird. Most likely she’ll be eligible for bond tomorrow afternoon.

Tim hesitates.

TIM (CONT.)

Her brother’s a drug lord so it will be in the press. I’ve alerted Aunt Mim to be prepared. I promised her that we’ll try to keep your real name out it, no guarantees.

PHILLIP

I understand. It’s my last buy and bust, law school this fall. You know a good bail bondsman?

END OF SCENE

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Cycle 5 Feedback Exchange

EDITED SCENE:

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

It’s 4AM, car headlights enter a parking lot behind a high rise apartment building in a dangerous seedy area of the city. The car parks in a section with blown out lights.

INT. CAR – CONT.

PHILLIP, early twenties and preppy, shuts down the engine; BRANDY, slightly younger (blonde hair blue eyes), exits the car. She checks out the empty lot and hops into the back seat.

BRANDY

Phillip, you’ll be more comfortable back here.

She pats the back seat and runs her fingers through the hairs up the back of his neck.

PHILLIP

Why did your brother pick this place and awful hour?

BRANDY

He said all the night people pass out, and very few people in public housing head out for jobs this early. It’s quiet and peaceful

. I’m lonely back here by myself. Please.

Phillip caves and joins her in the backseat. Brandy curls up close to him.

PHILLIP

You sure he’ll show?

BRANDY

He said between 4 and 4:30. How long will you be good?

PHILLIP

Two hours.

Brandy kisses him deep and snuggles closer. Phillip puts his arm around her shoulders.

BRANDY

Philip, I was thinking.

PHILIP

That could be dangerous for you.

They both laugh.

BRANDY

(Still chuckling)

Seriously! When do I get to meet your mother? I’ve never met a Senator before.

Phillip cringes slightly

PHILLIP

Mom’s only a state senator. This will be my last hit. I promise.

Perhaps, at graduation.

Phillip smiles, Brandy brightens.

BRANDY

I can’t wait? I’ve never been close to a celebrity or anyone as rich and put together as your mother.

Phillip fakes a smile before turning serious.

PHILLIP

Bran, my habit, it’s just between you and me. Don’t ever reveal my real name, not even to your brother. If the press found out they’d have a field day. It would ruin my mom. Promise me. If I keep up my grades, I can finish first in my class. Only a month to graduation. Afterwards, I’ll get clean. Things will be good for me, for us.

Phillip shoots her a sincere loving look.

BRANDY

Sweetheart, I love you. I would never ever snitch on you to anyone. You should know that.

She picks up his hand and places it over her heart and connects with his eyes. They remain like that for a few beats. Brandy removes her sweater, no bra underneath. She replaces his hand and holds in place with hers.

BRANDY

You want to, you know, while we wait? Ever do it in the back seat?

Phillip removes both hands, kisses hers, and checks out the parking lot.

PHILLIP

No, I prefer the comfort of privacy of my bed. What if your brother catches us?

BRANDY

Danny never runs on time. (seductive look) Come on I’ll make it fun.

She unbuttons Phillips shirt and runs her hands over his chest. Phillip begins to warm. She moves down towards his jeans and unzips them. He responds.

BRANDY

Pleasure me, honey, make me sing.

A bright light flashes into the front seat and then blinds the couple. They jump apart and hurriedly rearrange their clothes.

They hear a tap on the window.

BRANDY (whispering)

Oh shit, Danny.

A second flashlight beams in on them and they hear voices. Fear freezes on Brandy’s face. Could it be thugs? Someone tries the door on Phillips side, finds it unlocked, and opens it. The man with the flashlight beams the light on himself. The flashlight on the other side of the car illuminates the partially dressed Phillip and Brandy. It’s the POLICE.

OFFICER 1

Get out of the car NOW.

Brandy zaps on her sweater. Phillip zips his jeans. The both exit the car. The second officer joins the group and stands between the couple and the car.

OFFICER 1

What are you doing HERE?

Brandy becomes flippant at being caught in a compromising position. Phillip retains his cool.

BRANDY

What the hell do you think we were doing?

OFFICER 1

That’s, but why here in this parking space, behind this building in an unsafe neighborhood at…

Officer checks his watch.

OFFICER 1 (CONT.)

At 4:15 AM in the morning?

The officer flashes his light on Phillip’s stupid embarrassed grin but the young man remains silent.

BRANDY

Do you think we’d do it while driving? That’s crazy, it would cause an accident. We got heated up, so stopped. Didn’t to get arrested for diddling and driving.

She laughs at her own joke. Officer 2 flashes a light into her eyes. Brandy squints.

OFFICER 2

Cut the crap girlie. How old are you?

BRANDY

Twenty one.

Phillip finally speaks up.

PHILLIP

Yes, officer, she’s twenty-one.

Both officers motion the couple to in front of the headlights of the patrol car. They oblige. Officer 1 glares at Brandy, his voice rough.

OFFICER 1

Again, why did you originally park in a neighborhood that hates privileged white folk? You’re lucky we came by.

Brandy gets nervous.

BRANDY

We’re here to meet up with my brother. He sent me a text to meet him in this exact spot and that he’d be here between 4 and 4:30. He’s driving from Newport News.

The officer looks like he’s not buying it. Brandy’s mind races. at She points up at a window in the apartment building.

BRANDY (CONT.)

My brother lived here. His girlfriend kicked him out.

She looks towards Phillip.

OFFICER 1

No whites live in that building.

BRANDY (CONT.)

Danny and me have different mothers. He asked Creed and me to help him get his personal belongings from, ugh, Lucretia.

The officer shakes his head with disbelief. He looks towards Phillip.

OFFICER 1

At a known drug transaction sight, girlfriends, are always quick to protect their scum ball boyfriends.

Brandy moves in close to Phillip and puts a protective arm around him.

BRANDY

Phil’s not a scum ball. He’s a good boyfriend. Smart, goes to college, prominent family.

Phillip squirms and moves slightly away.

PHILLIP

Brandy, tell the truth. It’s ok. They’re on to us. Stop with the lies.

Both officers stand waiting, one hand on hip the other on gun handles. Brandy, frightened, begins to shake.

BRANDY

(Agitated)

Ok, Ok. We’re here to meet a drug dealer, make a buy. Phillip has a problem, ran out medicine.

OFFICER 2

Is the drug dealer your brother? You said you were meeting him here?

BRANDY

(Rattled)

No, my God. He lives in the building. What time is it?

OFFICER 2

4:25.

OFFICER 1

I need to see some ID.

PHILLIP

Yes, Sir. My wallets in the front cup holder. Brandy’s purse on the floor of the passenger side.

Officer 2 to grabs the wallet and purse from the car. He hands the wallet to Phillip and the purse to Officer 1.

OFFICER 1

Please hand me your drivers license.

Philip complies. The officer checks the ID and chuckles. Phillip looks down. The officer holds up Brandy’s large purse.

BRANDY

It’s in my billfold.

Officer 1 rummages through the purse and comes up with a square flowered zippered make up bag along with the matching wallet. He hands the wallet to Brandy who gives him her ID. Officer 1 hands it to Officer 2 who looks at it and returns it to Brandy.

OFFICER 2

Interesting.

Officer 1 unzips the makeup bag. His face lights up.

OFFICER 1

And what do we find in here? Is this your makeup bag?

BRANDY

(Combative)

No, never saw it before.

Phillip looks surprised, the officer disgusted.

PHILLIP

Brandy, stop it with the lies. She carries a hit kit and NARCAN for me.

Officer 1 hands the drug-kit to Officer 2 who looks inside, secures it in an evidence bag, and takes it to the patrol car. Officer 1 reads Brandy her rights. Officer 2 returns with a pair of handcuffs and cuffs Brandy. She screams, kicks, and cries as they put her into the patrol car. They drive off and Phillip returns to his car and cries out his guilt.

EXT. PARKING LOT – MOMENTS LATER

Car lights speed into the lot. Phillip gets out and waits by his car. The other car stops close. DANNY, bi-racial African-American, gets out.

PHILLIP

You’re late.

DANNY

Where’s my sister?

PHILLIP

She had other plans.

Danny checks out the parking lot. Still no activity.

DANNY

You got the money?

PHILLIP

Yes.

He holds up a wad of bills.

PHILLIP

Now, let me see the goods.

Danny opens the bag, Phillip examines the contents.

PHILLIP

Three hundred, that right?

DANNY

Six. That’s pharmaceutical grade.

Phillip peels of six bills from the wad and hands it to Danny. Danny examines the bill before handing the purchase to Phillip. Phillip gets into his car, and drives towards the parking lot entrance and suddenly stops.

Four screaming patrol cars, lights flashing, speed past him and surround Danny’s car. Phillip watches as Danny and his accomplice get cuffed and placed into a patrol car that speeds off.

Phillip backs up his car, exits, and walks over to a detective. He hands him the bag. Men in the background search Danny’s car.

PHILLIP

Hi Tim, here’s your evidence.

TIM

We finally nailed that slimy a-hole. Vindication at last, for my kid brother.

PHILLIP

Jake didn’t deserve to die so young.

TIM

Thanks Phil, great work.

They man-hug. Tim looks towards the group searching the car.

TIM

What you find?

OFFICER

The mother load…cash, drugs, and firearms.

Tim smiles like he just won the lottery.

TIM

Go home Phil, get some rest. Come by the precinct tomorrow around eleven for a debriefing.

PHILLIP

Any word on Brandy?

TIM

Singing like a bird. Most likely she’ll be eligible for bond tomorrow afternoon.

Tim hesitates.

TIM (CONT.)

Her brother’s a drug lord so it will be in the press. I’ve alerted Aunt Mim to be prepared. I promised her that we’ll try to keep your real name out it, no guarantees.

PHILLIP

I understand. It’s my last buy and bust, law school this fall. You know a good bail bondsman?

END OF SCENE

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s QE -5 cycle 1

Logline: It’s 4AM, Brandy and Phillip make out while waiting in a parking lot for Brandy’s brother for a drug buy until Police arrive and question the couple. Brandy lies to protect Phillip, but is arrested after they search her purse.

Essence: Brandy lies to protect Philips perceived drug habit, but Philip uses Brandy to nab her drug dealing brother.

SCENE:

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

It’s 4AM when a car pulls in and parks in dimly lit section of a parking lot behind a public housing apartment building in a rough area of the city.

INT. CAR – CONT.

PHILLIP, early twenties, rests behind the wheel; BRANDY, slightly younger (blonde hair blue eyes), sits in the passenger seat. She exits the car, checks out the empty lot, and gets into the back seat.

BRANDY

Phillip, you’ll be more comfortable back here.

She pats the back seat and runs her fingers through the hairs on the back of his neck.

PHILLIP

Why did your brother pick this place and awful hour?

BRANDY

He said all the night people pass out, and very few people in public housing head out for jobs this early. It’s quiet and peaceful this time of night. I’m lonely back here by myself. Please.

Phillip caves and joins her in the backseat. Brandy curls up close to him.

PHILLIP

You sure he’ll show?

BRANDY

He said between 4 and 4:30. How long will you be good?

PHILLIP

Two hours.

Brandy kisses him deep and snuggles closer. Phillip puts his arm around her shoulders.

BRANDY

Philip, I was just thinking.

PHILIP

That could be dangerous for you.

They both laugh.

BRANDY

(Still chuckling)

Seriously! When will I get to meet your mother? I’ve never met a Senator before.

Phillip cringes slightly

PHILLIP

Mom’s only a state senator. I’m waiting until I’m better. Perhaps, at graduation. This will be my last hit. I promise.

Phillip smiles, Brandy brightens.

BRANDY

That long? I’ve never been close to a celebrity or anyone as rich and put together like your mother.

Phillip fakes a smile before he turns serious.

PHILLIP

Bran, we need to keep this, my habit, between just you and me. Don’t ever reveal my real name, not even to your brother. If the press found out they’d have a field day. It would ruin my mother. Promise me. If I keep up my grades, I can finish first in my class. Only a month to go. After graduation, things will be good for me, for us.

Phillip shoots her a sincere loving look.

BRANDY

Sweetheart, I love you. I would never ever snitch on you to anyone. You should know that.

She picks up his hand and places it over her heart and connects with his eyes. They remain like that for a few beats. Brandy removes her sweater and she’s not wearing a bra. She replaces his hand and holds in in place with hers.

BRANDY

You want to, you know, what while we wait? Ever do it in the back seat?

Phillip removes both hands, kisses hers, and checks out the parking lot.

PHILLIP

No, I prefer the comfort of privacy of my bed. What if your brother catches us?

BRANDY

Danny never runs on time. ( seductive look) Come on I’ll make it fun.

She unbuttons Phillips shirt and runs her hands over his chest. Phillip begins to respond. She moves down towards his jeans and unzips them. He responds.

BRANDY

Pleasure me, honey, make me sing.

A bright light flashes into the front seat and then blinds the couple. They jump apart and hurriedly rearrange their clothes.

They hear a tap on the window.

BRANDY (whispering)

Shit, Danny?

A second flashlight beams in on them and they hear voices. Fear freezes on their face. Could it be gang-bangers? Someone tries the door, finds it unlocked, and opens it. The man with the flashlight beams the light on himself. The flashlight on the other side of the car illuminates the partially dressed Phillip and Brandy. It’s the POLICE.

OFFICER 1

Get out of the car NOW.

Brandy zaps on her sweater. Phillip zips his jeans. The both exit the car. The officer on other side joins the group and stands between the couple and the car.

OFFICER 1

What are you doing HERE?

Brandy, being caught in a compromising position, becomes incensed. Phillip retains his cool.

BRANDY

What the hell do you think we were doing?

OFFICER 1

It’s obvious what you were doing, but why here in this parking space, behind this building in an unsafe neighborhood at…

Officer checks his watch.

OFFICER 1 (CONT.)

At 4:15 AM in the morning?

He flashes his light on Phillip showing a stupid embarrassed grin but remains silent.

BRANDY

Do you think we’re stupid enough to do it while driving and cause an accident. We stopped here.

Officer 2 flashes his light into her eyes.

OFFICER 2

Cut the crap girlie. How old are you?

BRANDY

Twenty one.

Phillip finally speaks up.

PHILLIP

She’s twenty-one.

Both officers motion them to in front of the headlights of their patrol car. The couple obliges. Officer 1 glares at Brandy, his voice rough.

OFFICER 1

Again, why are you parked here at 4AM.

Brandy begins to cave.

BRANDY

We’re here to meet up with my brother. He sent me a text to meet him in this exact spot and that he’d be here between 4 and 4:30. He’s driving from Newport News.

The officer looks like he’s not buying it. Brandy looks at the apartment building as her mind races. She points up at a window.

BRANDY (CONT.)

My brother lives here. His girlfriend kicked him out.

She looks towards Phillip.

BRANDY (CONT.)

Danny wanted Creed and me to help him get his stuff.

The officer shakes his head with disbelief. He looks towards Phillip.

OFFICER 1

At a known drug transaction sight. Girlfriends, always quick to protect their scum ball boyfriends.

Brandy moves in close to Phillip and puts her arm around him.

BRANDY

Phil’s not a scumball. He’s a good boyfriend. Smart, goes to college, prominent family.

Phillip squirms and moves slightly away.

PHILLIP

Brandy, tell the truth. It’s ok. Stop with the lies.

Both officers stand waiting, officer 1, hands on hips, officer 2 hand near gun. Brandy, frightened and scared, begins to shake.

BRANDY

(Agitated)

Ok, Ok. We’re here to meet a drug dealer, make a buy. Phillip has a problem, ran out medicine.

OFFICER 2

Is the drug dealer your brother? You said you were meeting him here?

BRANDY

No, my God. What time is it.

OFFICER 2

4:25.

OFFICER 1

I need to see some ID.

PHILLIP

My wallets in the front cup holder. Brandy’s purse on the floor of the passenger side.

Officer 2 to grabs the wallet and purse from the car. He hands the wallet to Phillip and the purse to Officer 1.

OFFICER 1

Please hand me your drivers license.

Philip complies. The officer checks the ID and smiles. He then hold up Brandy’s large purse.

BRANDY

It’s in my billfold.

Officer 1 rummages through the purse and comes up with a square flowered zippered make up bag along with the bifold. He hands the bifold to Brandy who gives him her ID. Officer 1 hands it to Officer 2 who looks at it and returns it to Brandy.

OFFICER 2

Interesting.

Officer 1 unzips the makeup bag. His face lights up.

OFFICER 1

And what do we find in here. Is this your makeup bag?

BRANDY

(Combative)

No, I never saw it before in my life.

Phillip looks discussed.

PHILLIP

Brandy, stop it. There on to us. No more lies.

Officer 1 hands the bag to Officer 2 who looks inside, rezips it, puts it into an evidence bag, and secures it into the front of the police cruiser. He returns with one pair of handcuffs as Officer 1 reads Brandy her rights. Officer 2 cuffs her. Brandy screams and kicks as they put her into the patrol car and leave. Phillip returns to his car and cries. He wipes his eyes.

EXT. PARKING LOT – MOMENTS LATER

Car lights speed into the parking lot. Phillip gets out and waits by his car. The other car stops close. DANNY gets out.

PHILLIP

You’re late.

DANNY

Where’s my sister?

PHILLIP

She had other plans.

Danny checks out the parking lot. Still no activity.

DANNY

You got the money?

Phillip hands him three one-hundred dollar bills.

PHILLIP

Three hundred, that right.

DANNY

Yep.

Danny hands Phillip a brown paper bag. Phillip checks out the contents, gets into his car, and drives towards the parking lot entrance and stops. Four screaming patrols cars, lights flashing, speed past him and surround Danny’s car. Phillip watches as Danny and his accomplice get cuffed and placed into a patrol car that speeds off. Danny backs up, gets out of the car and walks over to a detective. He hands him the bag.

PHILLIP

Hi Tim, here’s your evidence.

TIM

Thanks Phil, great work. We finally nailed that SOB. It’s taken us too long to get that slimy a-hole. Finally, vindication, for my kid brother.

PHILLIP

He didn’t deserve to die so young.

The two men man-hug.

TIM

Go home get some rest. Come by the precinct tomorrow around eleven for a debriefing.

PHILLIP

Give Aunt Mary a hug from me. I’ll be buy in a few days to visit.

Tim gives Phillip a thumbs up.

END OF SCENE

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Interest Scene

What I learned from doing this, wow, what a difference one scene can make and almost be a blueprint for a whole new screenplay. Simply putting in as many of the interest and character techniques as possible turned a given situation into something new and interesting.

LOGLINE: Bruno relays a message from mafia brothers, backers of Dennis Cooney and Albert’s boxing opponent in a grudge match. If Albert throws the fight, Cooney promises not to kill him in the ring but if he wins, he will be dead on the street.

INTEREST TECHNIQUE IDEAS:

1. STRUCTUAL

a. Suspense: Sergio beaten and returned with an offer from the mafia brothers.

b. Major twist: Albert dislikes the brothers deal that he throw the fight with Cooney. Albert comes up with a better idea and convinces Bruno to deliver it to the brothers.

c. Surprise: Albert has information to turn things upside down for Cooney.

d. Interesting setting: a training gym for boxers.

e. Mislead/Reveal: It’s not just a fight but a grudge match for justice.

f. Character changes radically: Albert appears to be in a corner, but convinces Bruno, the mafia messenger, to help him.

g. Betrayal: A trusted gym member proves to be a spy against Albert.

h. Superior Position: Albert has information on Cooney that the mafia brothers don’t know, but should.

i. Uncertainty: Can Albert win his grudge match and stay alive?

J. Intrigue: Albert’s previous relationship with Bruno and his knowledge about Cooney hurting Bruno’s dead wife.

K. Surprise: Cooney caused the death of Bruno’s wife.

L. Mystery: How did Albert save Bruno’s life? What happened to the mole?

M. Cliffhanger: Cooney’s collusion with the yeast baron, rival of the mafia brothers.

2. CHARACTER

a. Radical Change: Bruno, the mafia messenger, joins Albert in seeking revenge against Cooney.

b. Betrayal: A boxer at Albert’s gym, spies on him for Cooney.

c. Dilemma: If Albert throws the fight he might live through it but not afterward. If he wins against Cooney, he and Sergio will certainly be killed.

d. Uncomfortable Moment: Albert makes Bruno uncomfortable when he brings up Bruno’s wife.

e. Misinterpretation: Bruno mistakenly thought Bucholtz attacked his wife and did not know it was Cooney. This fuels his desire to betray Cooney and help Albert.

DIALOG:

a. Hook: What is in the report that could change the mafia brothers position against Cooney?

b. Prediction: Albert predicts he will win the fight against Cooney.

c. Creating a future: Albert’s counter offer to the brothers.

d. Anticipatory Dialog – Cooney’s threat to kill Albert and Sergio.

SCENE:

INT. O’SHEA’S GYM – MORNING

BRUNO returns a battered Sergio to the gym. MAX, the trainer tapes ALBERT’s hands.

ALBERT

Sergio, what happened to you?

SERGIO

Cooney what happened. He found out that I spy for you. He worked me over in the ring using fists and feet. Bruno saved me.

Albert looks to Bruno.

ALBERT

That true?

BRUNO

You got a guy in your gym, Micky Dealngelo?

MAX

He’s new. Hopes to be a middle weight champion.

BRUNO

He’s your mole. Cooney hire him, Albert, to learn all about you and family.

MAX

That dirty rat, wait until I get my hands on him.

BRUNO

No more worry about him, he not be back. I return your sparring partner along with a message from the Monastero brothers.

Max the trainer begins to dress Sergio’s wounds.

ALBERT

What message?

BRUNO

I need talk to you in private.

ALBERT

Follow me to my office.

Albert leads Bruno to an empty corner protected by lockers.

ALBERT

Spill.

BRUNO

Cooney insists you throw the fight.

Anger fills Alberts face.

ALBERT

No, no. I refuse to do that.

BRUNO

Both Salvatore and Stephano back Conney on this. You throw fight, Cooney promised the brothers, he not kill you in the ring. Even if you throw fight, he want you and Sergio…

Bruno makes a slicing motion across his throat. Albert’s eyes go wide, not liking the odds.

BRUNO (CONT.)

I no trust Cooney. So, I broker deal with the brothers. If you throw fight, the brothers offer you and Sergio safe passage out of Pittsburgh, but you must never enter the ring again.

Albert remains silent as he mulls over the deal.

ALBERT

I don’t know how to answer this, either way we’re dead. If I throw the fight Cooney promises he won’t kill me in the ring. His promise isn’t worth much. If I show weakness I’m dead. How can the mafia brothers protect me from Cooney?

Both men remain silent for a long while. Bruno appears jittery. Albert lost in thought.

BRUNO

So Albert, ribttere? What you say?

Albert throws his hands up for a time out.

ALBERT

I need to think this through. If I throw the fight, Sergio and I get to leave town unharmed but no guarantee. If I don’t we are definitely dead.

Albert, angry now, repeats Bruno’s gesture with the slit across the throat.

ALBERT (CONT.)

I don’t like the odds here. Sergio and I have never crossed the Monastero brothers, so what’s the beef with us? They need to pay more attention to that scum bag Cooney. You know what happened to your wife?

Bruno’s hands ball into fists, his mouth twists into a threatening sneer.

BRUNO

Say no more. This not about her.

Albert gets close to his face.

ALBERT

It was Cooney, Bruno, not Bucholtz. This fight is about your wife and all the the women Cooney brutalized in the coal fields.

Albert’s face contorts with a painful memory, his lips tight.

ALBERT (CONT.)

My friend, Jo, a reporter, small woman not even 90 pounds soaking wet. Cooney almost killed her. Yeah, big man like him, champaign boxer, raped her, beat her to a pulp, and left her to die. Sound familiar? It should. She no more deserved it than your wife.

Bruno blanches.

BRUNO

How you know this?

ALBERT

I have sources, proof. I helped you once, remember.

Bruno nods acknowledgement.

BRUNO

You saved my life when I asked for help.

ALBERT

If you stand by me, I can give Cooney a dose of his own medicine. If he dies in the ring, then there is one less bully to hurt our women.

Albert looks Bruno directly in the eye and finds a comrade there.

BRUNO

What you want me to do?

ALBERT

Broker for me. Tell the good brothers that I refuse to throw the match because this is a grudge fight. They still have time to hitch their wagons to the dark horse, and I WILL WIN. In exchange for my life and Sergio’s, you will give them a report on Cooney that contains information that the brothers should be aware of. What they decide to do with the information is up to them.

Bruno looks shocked but hesitant to be the messenger.

BRUNO

But, Albert?

ALBERT

When I win, the only one who loses is Cooney. If the brothers help him by intimidating the officials, or any harm comes to me or Sergio before or immediately after the fight, I have friends who will give a copy of that same report to the press and public officials. Capiche?

Bruno’s eyes go wide.

BRUNO

Capiche.

Albert moves to his locker to pull out an envelope hidden under a stack of notebooks, tights, and boxing trunks. He hands a page to Bruno.

ALBERT

Put your eyes on this.

Bruno’s sucks in his breath.

BRUNO

Cooney? And, the ‘yeast baron” Siracusa?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Reveals

What I learned from this assignment is how to add drama to a problem scene through using these techniques to create set ups and reveals, and even later reveals, to create intrigue while moving the story forward.

Scene Logline: Precocious slave girl Sallie, body servant to Mary Thurman, finds a painted rock in the garden when she visits her friend Tree.

Demand: Cover-up: Reveal:

Demand: Tom demands that Mary explain the words on the rock.
Cover-up: Mary detracts by bringing up Tom’s indiscretions.
Reveal: Mary pushes Tom to reveal their marriage to be a business deal. Tom learns the truth about Mary’s secret affair with the Scotsman and miscarried child.
Reveal: Tom had an affair with Sari that produced Eliza.
Later reveal: Tom is Sallie’s grandfather.

INT BEDROOM – LATER

Tom stands as Sallie enters the room. Sallie holds the rock in her hand. Tom motions to look at it.

TOM THURMAN

A rock with a flower painting. How unusual.

Mary turns ashen. Tom turns it over and reads the inscription, still legible.

TOM THURMAN

Marigold, daughter of Mary and Hiram.

Tom’s face hardens.

TOM THURMAN

Sallie, where did you find this?

SALLIE

In the garden. Buried under a root of the tree.

Tom looks close to explosion. Sallie’s lips curl over her teeth. She looks down. Mary freezes with fear.

TOM THURMAN

(astounded)

Mary, what is this? Hiram? The Scotsman?

Mary cowers. Tears flood her face.

MARY THURMAN

I, I, We. I painted the rock. Buried it near the tree, a secret memorial to her. To Hiram.

Mary rocks back and forth. Tom’s booming voice shakes the room.

TOM THURMAN

My God, woman! The Scotsman. When? How? Was Sarah his?How could you?

Sallie bolts toward the door.

TOM THURMAN

Sallie, do not leave this room.

Sallie runs to her pallet and pulls a blanket over her head. Mary recovers, becomes combative.

MARY THURMAN

No, Sarah was still an infant when you left me and the children alone in that God forsaken Kentucky wilderness for six months. Business in South Carolina you said. Only one letter in all that time. It wasn’t business.

TOM THURMAN

It was. I planned to invest in Cotton. Make arrangements in Charleston for shipping. It took time.

Mary explodes.

MARY THURMAN

Time? I wrote to you every day. You never answered my letters. Time? You lied to me. I know what you did.

Mary rises from the chair and gets into his face.

MARY THURMAN

Think you could hide the other women? Sarai and your daughter with her. I loved you Tom, but you betrayed me. Why did you ever marry me if I wasn’t enough?

Sallie puts her hands over her ears. Tom calms, guilt all over.

TOM THURMAN

The money? The prestige? You were the most desirable woman in Petersburg.

MARY THURMAN

Did my father pay you?

Mary steadies herself with the tables. Tom fingers through his hair.

TOM THURMAN

Your father invested in one of my business ventures. He thought we’d make a good marriage.

MARY THURMAN

Father sent Hiram up north. Did he pay you to bring me to Washington County?

TOM THURMAN

Your father made a lot of money with his investment. He owed me.

MARY THURMAN

Our marriage, a business deal? Hiram loved ME, just me. Other than Hattie, the only one that did.

TOM THURMAN

Wrong. Hiram loved your father’s money. I adored you. Have you forgotten our courtship and early days of marriage?

Mary thoughtful, sinks back into the chair.

MARY THURMAN

No. What happened to us?

Tom sinks into the chair opposite hers.

TOM THURMAN

You cooled to me after Sarah was born. I found the letters Hiram wrote to you after we moved to Kentucky. The ones you saved with a ribbon around them. It explained your distance. Thus, the quick departure. I needed to get away. Found comfort from a woman, stayed longer than I should. Did you meet him in Petersburg?

Mary droops.

MARY THURMAN

No, he came to me in Kentucky under guise of our horse trainer. We met in secret, until I sent him away. He never knew about the baby. I miscarried a month before you returned home. They found Hiram hanging from a rafter in a horse barn on my father’s estate.

Mary looks towards Sallie’s pallet and finds it empty.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Character Relationships

What I learned from this is by making a small trait change I could now hit all of the boxes in character states with each relationship, and even elevate a few of the new ones.

Sherwood – brilliant, industrious, disassociated, discontent, damaged

Cornelia – intellectual, cunning, feministic, discontent, devoted

Mr. Lane – successful, chauvinist, judgmental, arrogant

Madam LaBelle – smart, unconventional, female chauvinist, confidant (changed survivor to female chauvinist when I looked it up to find it is really a term)

Takes place in early 20th Century.

CORNELIA/SHERWOOD

Rapport: she’s intellectual and educated, he’s brilliant but less educated.
Conflict: She is a devoted wife but jealous that she (because she is a woman) can’t run the business to allow him to be a writer. Sherwood wishes to walk away from the business to write full time.
Contrast: She comes from a wealthy family and highly educated. He comes from a poor abusive family, less educated, and disassociated at a young age.
Competition: She competes with him in their successful business, joins forces with him but must step back at the birth of their third child.
Subtext: Cornelia plots to keep Sherwood focused on business rather than his compulsive writing. Sherwood deceives Cornelia by pretending to focus on the now failing business.

CORNELIA/MR. LANE (her father)

Rapport: She is educated and like him smart in business decisions.
Conflict: He believes a woman’s place is in the home. Cornelia, a feminist, believes women should be judged by ability and not sex.
Contrast: Cornelia is a feminist, her father a chauvinist.
Competition: She secretly strives to prove her business ability by completing against her father.

Subtext: Cornelia feels she is more educated and capable than either her brother or husband to run a business, but convention in the early 1900’s prevent women from owning a business.

CORNELIA/CLAUDEE LABELLE

Rapport: Both are smart savvy women in a male dominated world.
Conflict: Cornelia is jealous of Maude owning her own successful business.
Contrast: Cornelia abides by social convention, Maude runs a successful string of high end brothels.
Competition: They compete in a chess game. Maude comes out on top. Cornelia, has more than met her match.
Subtext: Cornelia envies Maude as Maude schemes to get Cornelia to join her in a new business venture, a party mansion with a brothel and gambling to cater to millionaire men.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s QE Cycle 4 revision feedback exchange

LONGLINE: Maxine loses her job at the post office when someone fingers her father as being a communist, she turns to Renee her longtime childhood friend.

ESSENCE: Maxine suspicions Renee for outing her father.

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Maxine: snobbish changed to aloof

SCENE:

EXT. PARK – AFTERNOON

It is 1950 and MAXINE ( age 20 ) walks a path in Riverside Park, with her best and only friend RENEE ( also age 20). Suddenly,

MAXINE lets out a blood curdling scream. Other people in the park stare. Renee hides behind a tree.

MAXINE

God damned bucket son of a bitch. I hate snitches.

Renee looks distressed. But returns to Maxine’s side.

RENEE

Maxine, shhh, you’re scaring me. Everyone is looking at us.

Maxine pulls out plants by the roots and throws them in the air. Dirt sprinkles down on both of them.

Maxine wears rolled up jeans and a fresh pressed white long sleeved man’s shirt. Renee’s face looks professionally made up, her outfit a stylish black pencil skirt with twin sweater and cardigan. She carefully blows and brushes off dirt from her skit and sweaters. Maxine keeps on walking.

RENEE

What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you want to walk with me after work?

MAXINE

What’s wrong? I need a friend to talk to. Your the only one so you get to listen. Last week, the post master complimented my work. Yesterday he fired me.

Maxine dubs at her watering eyes.

RENEE

It could be how you dress.

Renee smooths wrinkles from her skirt and fluffs her hair.

MAXINE

What’s wrong with how I dress?

RENEE

You would look better in makeup and if you dressed a bit more trendy.

MAXINE

My clothes are clean. I press my uniform before going to work.

She stands tall and proud.

MAXINE (CONT.)

Jeans are perfect for a stroll in the park just like my shoes. Tears don’t leave dark mascara streaks on my cheeks. The boss didn’t let me go because of my dress or my work ethic.

Renee toddles along in heels and points to a bench.

RENEE

Let’s sit. My tootsies are killing me.

The girls sit on the bench. Renee removes a shoe and rubs her foot.

MAXINE

I don’t know how you can walk in those things let alone wear them all day.

RENEE

It takes talent. Besides, the dress department demands that we wear them.

MAXINE

Dress department? I thought you were in make-up.

Renee rubs her other foot.

RENEE

They switched me last week. I’m not liking it

much. What are you going to do now? Want me to put a word in with my boss to get you hired on.

Maxine shakes her head.

MAXINE

I liked my job at the post office. The post master said not to bother applying for another government job. They all require signing a loyalty oath.

RENEE

Really? I wonder why that is?

MAXINE

New government policy. I worked hard to get that job. My goal was to learn all I could so I could move up to post mistress when Mr. Pickens retires in two years. I’m already more competent and much smarter.

RENEE

I’d like a job where I could charm the public and flirt with the cute men. You don’t have to push people into buying stamps like I do dresses? I hate sales.

MAXINE

Why don’t you go to secretarial or business school like I did. Learn short hand and typing, be a secretary to some rich lawyer. Secretaries always dress up and wear heels, but they get to sit a lot too.

Maxine stretches out her long legs and looks up at the sky. Renee looks thoughtful.

RENEE

I don’t think that would work. I hated typing in high school. I might like to work at a post office. It’s steady work.

Maxine eyes her friend with suspicion.

MAXINE

I can’t picture you wearing the same uniform as everyone else.

RENEE

I could dress it up. Undo the top buttons.

Renee sits up tall and pokes out her breasts and giggles. Maxine smiles.

MAXINE

You’ve not changed much.

RENEE

Neither have you. You’ve got the skills, why don’t you look for an office job? Of course you’d need to be open and friendly with people, flirt with the men, compliment the women’s outfits.

MAXINE

You know that I have a hard time with that. I’ve been keeping secrets ever since I can remember. If I get too friendly, people ask questions I don’t want to answer. You are my first and only friend from when we moved to Russellton.

RENEE

I remember when we yodeled at each other on your farm and finally met in that hidden valley.

MAXINE

Neither of our family’s had much back then. At least we had a hand pump from the spring. You had to carry your water uphill.

RENEE

Yep, thirty-two buckets to fill our washer and do the laundry.

Renee flexes her biceps.

RENEE

I still got them. I remember you helping me and my sister carry water so we could visit.

MAXINE

When my family moved up the hill to the main road, you would yammer beside me as I mowed the lawn. How many times we’d walk to town together? I remember you spending many a night at my house to avoid your father.

RENEE

Your parents always treated me nice. Your Pap would pay us both to pull weeds so we could buy ride tickets for the school picnic.

MAXINE

They let me to share my graduation party with you. Gosh, we were close then, like sisters.

Renee squints sidewise at Maxine.

RENEE

I admit to being a bit jealous of you. You had the parents I always wished I had. They were so good to me, included me in trips to the camp up river. What fun we had.

MAXINE

When our family hid out on the farm, I would go to school but afraid to talk to anyone. Afterwards, I walked home by myself instead of taking the bus. In the valley you accepted me despite me not inviting you to my house.

RENEE

When you moved up the hill, you invited me.

MAXINE

When we came out of hiding. I always appreciated you keeping my family’s secret for so many years.

Renee’s expression changes to something more serious.

RENEE

I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your parent’s argument. Didn’t really understand what I heard.

MAXINE

I know. But, you learned our secret. You swore on your grandmother’s grave, you would never tell and hurt my family. It was too soon after Stalin died. His agents might have still been looking for them, to kill my father and my brother.

RENEE

You never told me that part. They should be safe now, right?

Renee crosses her arms across her chest and looks down at her feet making circles in the dirt.

MAXINE

I knew I could trust you with my secret. My parents let you live with us for a time after your father molested you, treated you like family. You made me promise not to tell them reason.

Tears flow from Renee’s eyes at the memory.

RENEE

I love your parents, Maxine, more than I ever did my own. My mother knew about it and looked the other way. The best day in my life was when that drunken bastard father of mine got hit by a coaltrain.

Maxine’s eyes water again. She fights for control of her emotions.

MAXINE

I lived in fear every day that my father and brother would be killed. We gave up our life in New Jersey, our pretty house on the lake, friends, and all we owned to hide on that beat up farm. I always looked over my shoulder when some one followed me. My father took menial odd jobs to keep us afloat. My brother took on a new identity to keep his job. He even signed a loyalty oath so not to lose it. He was never a Communist and neither am I. We can’t help who our father once was. It’s not fair.

RENEE

You never told anyone about my father did you?

MAXINE

And I never would. Last night the FBI took my dad in for questioning. They arrested my brother for espionage. Outside of my family, you were the only one who knew about my father.

Why Renee?

Renee shudders her voice soft through her tears.

RENEE

I only implied that YOU had a Red connection to get you fired so I could apply for your job. I never meant to hurt your family.

Maxine’s body stiffens as she struggles to fight off the impulse to deck Renee.

MAXINE

You broke your promise to get my job?

RENEE

Yes. I knew you could find a better one. You always end up the better one.

MAXINE

Who all did you tell?

RENEE

Only my boyfriend.

MAXINE

Your married boss at the department store, Mr. Feely? Your secret affair?

RENEE

Yes, I slipped. He pulled the rest out of me.

Maxine grabs Renee’s shoulders and shakes her with fury. She lets go, hugs her, and then pushes away.

RENEE

(Crying)

I’m sorry Maxine, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Please.

Maxine looks at her with pity.

MAXINE

Enjoy your job at the post office. You secret is safe with me but we are no longer friends. Friends don’t betray friends.

RENEE

You can tell on me if you want. Call it payback.

Maxine squints at Renee. She waits until a passerby gets out of earshot, her voice lowers.

MAXINE

You want me to tell about the affair between you and your boss? He and his wife have three children.

RENEE

Teenagers, one in college and two in high school. I give you permission to tell. I’m quitting at the department store anyway.

Maxine studies her with suspicion. Renee squirms and buries her head in her hands.

MAXINE

No, I don’t need revenge, fate will handle that. Why disturb his wife and kids.

Renee sits up straight and looks Maxine in the eye.

RENEE

I’m pregnant.

END OF SCENE

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle

I agree with the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Lesson 17

LONGLINE: Maxine loses her job at the post office when someone fingers her father as being a communist, she turns to Renee her longtime childhood friend.

ESSENCE: Maxine suspicions Renee for outing her father.

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: snobbish to aloof

SCENE:

EXT. PARK – AFTERNOON

It is 1950 and MAXINE ( age 20 ) walks a path in Riverside Park, tearful as she shares the loss of her job with RENEE ( age 20), her best friend, who pretends to offer a sympathetic ear. Maxine wears rolled up jeans and a fresh pressed white long sleeved man’s shirt. Renee’s face looks professionally made up, her outfit casual black slacks with twin sweater and cardigan.

MAXINE

Last week, the post master complimented my work but today he fired me. I don’t understand.

Maxine dubs her watery eyes.

RENEE

It could be how you dress.

Renee smooths wrinkles from her trousers and fluffs her hair.

MAXINE

What’s wrong with how I dress?

RENEE

You would look better in makeup and if you dressed a bit more trendy.

MAXINE

My clothes are clean and I press my outfits before going to work.

She stands tall and proud.

MAXINE (CONT.)

Jeans are perfect for a walk in the park just like my walking shoes. Tears don’t leave dark mascara streaks on my cheeks. The boss didn’t let me go because of my dress or my work ethic.

Renee toddles along in heels and points to a bench.

RENEE

Let’s sit. My tootsies are killing me.

The girls sit on the bench. Renee removes a shoe and rubs her foot.

MAXINE

I don’t know how you can walk in those things let alone wear them all day.

RENEE

It takes talent. Besides, the dress department demands that we wear them.

MAXINE

Dress department? I thought you were in make-up.

Renee rubs her other foot.

RENEE

They switched me last week. I’m not liking it

much. What are you going to do now? I can put a word in with my boss to get you hired on.

Maxine shakes her head.

MAXINE

I liked my job at the post office. My boss said not to bother applying for another government job. He said they all require signing a loyalty oath.

RENEE

Really? I wonder why that is?

MAXINE

New government policy. I worked hard to get that job. My goal was to learn all I could so I could move up to post mistress when my boss retires in two years. I’m already more competent than he is and much smarter.

RENEE

I’d like a job where I could charm the public and flirt with the cute men. You don’t have to push people into buying stamps like I do dresses? I hate sales.

MAXINE

Why don’t you go to secretarial or business school like I did. Learn short hand and typing, be a secretary to some rich lawyer. Secretaries always dress up and wear heels, but they get to sit a lot too.

Maxine stretches out her long legs and looks up at the sky. Renee looks thoughtful.

RENEE

I don’t think that would work. I hated typing in high school. I might like to work at a post office. It’s steady work.

Maxine eyes her friend with suspicion.

MAXINE

You’d have to wear the same uniform as everyone else.

RENEE

I could dress it up. Undo the top buttons.

Renee sits up tall and pokes out her breasts and giggles. Maxine smiles.

MAXINE

You’ve not changed much. Do you remember when we met at the hidden valley on our farm. We yodeled at each other and finally met in the valley. Neither of our families had much, mine a little better off than yours. We had a hand pump from the spring. You had to carry your water uphill.

RENEE

It took thirty-two buckets to fill our washer and do the laundry.

Renee flexes her biceps.

RENEE

I still got them. I remember you helping me and my sister carry water so we could visit.

MAXINE

And when I mowed the lawn you would walk beside me. How many times we’d walk to town together? I remember you spending many a night at my house to avoid your father.

RENEE

Your parents always treated me nice. Your father would pay us both to pull weeds to buy ride tickets for the school picnic.

MAXINE

They let me to share my graduation party with you. Gosh, we were close back then, like sisters.

Renee squints sidewise at Maxine.

RENEE

I always felt jealous. You had the parents I always wished I had. They were so good to me, included me in their trips to the camp up river. What fun we had.

MAXINE

You were my first and only friend back then. When our family was in hiding, I would go to school but afraid to talk to anyone. Afterwards, I walked home by myself instead of taking the bus, afraid the kids would ask questions I couldn’t answer. You accepted me as I was. When it was safe to come out of hiding, we moved from down over the hill to up by the main road. I always appreciated you keeping our secret for so many years.

Renee’s expression changes to something more serious.

RENEE

I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your parents.

MAXINE

I know that. But, you learned our family secret. You swore you would never tell and hurt my family. My father and brother could have been killed if the party found us. It wasn’t until after Stalin died and we could come out of hiding. I asked you again to swear not to tell. You promised. When you asked the same of me, not to tell how your father abused you. I swore and never told.

Renee crosses her arms across her chest and looks down at her feet.

RENEE

I knew I could trust you with my secret.

MAXINE

My parents let you live with us for a time after your father molested you, treated you like family.

Tears flow from Renee’s eyes at the memory.

RENEE

I love your parents, Maxine, more than I ever did my own.

Maxine’s eyes water again. She fights for control of her emotions.

MAXINE

You were the only one who knew about my father once being a communist. Last night the FBI him in for questioning, they arrested my brother for signing a loyalty oath. Why Renee?

Renee shudders her voice soft through her tears.

RENEE

I only implied that you had Red connection to get you fired so I could apply for your job. I never meant to hurt your family.

Maxine’s body stiffens as she struggles to fight off the impulse to deck Renee.

MAXINE

It really was YOU? You broke your promise to have my job?

RENEE

Yes. I knew you could find a better one. You always end up the better one.

MAXINE

I lived in fear every day that my father and brother would be killed. We gave up our life in New Jersey and all we owned to hide on the old farm. I was afraid to get close to anyone. My father and brother worked hard. My brother only signed a loyalty oath to keep working on the Air Force base. He not only lost his job but got arrested for espionage. He was never a Communist and neither am I. We can’t help who our father once was. It’s not fair.

RENEE

Will you tell my secret? Daddy’s dead. It would kill my mother if she knew. My younger brothers and sisters need her.

Maxine grabs Renee’s shoulders and shakes her with fury. She lets go, hugs her, and then pushes away.

MAXINE

No, I would never do that to your mother. I always avoided people because I never wanted to hurt my family, betray them. But, I did betray them when I trusted you.

RENEE

(Crying)

I’m sorry Maxine, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Please.

Maxine looks at her with pity.

MAXINE

Enjoy your job at the post office. You secret is safe with me but we are no longer friends. Friends don’t betray friends.

RENEE

You can tell my recent secret.

MAXINE

About your affair with Mr. Pickens your boss? He and his wife have three children.

RENEE

Teenagers, one in college and two in high school. I give you permission to tell. I’m quitting at the department store anyway.

Maxine studies her with suspicion. Renee squirms and buries her head in her hands.

MAXINE

No, I don’t need revenge, fate will handle that. Why disturb his wife and kids.

RENEE

I’m pregnant with his baby.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle’s QE Cycle #3 Scene edited for feedback exchange

Scavenger Hunt.

LOG-LINE: Squire and Nancy, paired as a biker team, must work together to find the golden egg, their passport to financial freedom, and after meeting other challenges are now near their goal.

ESSENCE: Both Squire and Nancy want to find the golden egg first and keep it for themself.

SCENE: CHICKEN COOP – EARLY MORNING BEFORE DAYLIGHT.

After meeting other challenges of the hunt, Squire and Nancy, arrive two hours before daylight. The last clue reads, “Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.” Squire wears a headlamp, Nancy holds a small pen flashlight. Squire looks around the hen house at the roosting chickens.

SQUIRE

Help me chase them out of here. (Trait)

NANCY

I take it you’ve never been attacked by a chicken. (Nancy subtext)

Squire takes on a tough guy stance. (Squire subtext)

SQUIRE

Bring them on. (Subtext)

NANCY

Shhh! Never disturb a roosting hen who lays the golden egg. (Nancy-Subtext)

SQUIRE

Ok, farm girl what do you have in mind?

Squire’s headlamp illuminates Nancy who looks smoking hot in her biking leather. His eyes caress her best assets from top to bottom.

NANCY

Turn that thing off.

Squire complies and moves in closer. Nancy pushes him out of her space, turns on her penlight, and aims it toward the bottom of a nest. She she gently gropes under the chicken, grabs an egg, looks at it, and replaces it.

NANCY

Just an egg. Anyway city boy, that’s how it’s down. As you can see the hen still sleeps. How gentle is your touch?

Nancy aims the light at his face. He grins.

SQUIRE

Oh baby, let me show you.

Nancy moves her light to illuminate the base of the next nest.

NANCY

Ok, Romeo, your turn.

Squire squirms as he slips his hand under the sleeping hen and gropes underneath. He quickly pulls it out; the chicken cackles.

NANCY

Gentle, slow. If she cackles again she could wake up the flock.

SQUIRE

Nothing there.

Nancy moves on to the next nest, gently burrows under, pulls out an egg, and replaces it. She moves back to the nest that Squire checked, reaches in, gropes gently, pulls out an egg, and holds it in front of his face.

NANCY

What do you call this?

SQUIRE

An egg.

A dark cloud moves away from in front of the moon and gentle light illuminates the coop through the large window.

NANCY

Look a full moon.

Nancy hands her pen light to Squire.

NANCY

Here use this. The moonlight works for me.

Squire runs the light up and down her body.

SQUIRE

Kind of romantic isn’t it?

NANCY

Not really. I’m standing in a smelly chicken coop with you.

SQUIRE

Right, just like I said, romantic.

NANCY

Search for the egg before the time runs out and the sun comes up. Remember, gentle as possible so not to wake the hens.

Squire and Nancy search each nest and come up empty. Nancy rechecks Squire’s nests as he watches. He frowns and begins to recheck the ones that Nancy did. A hen squawks, Squire curses and leaps back, bumping into another nest.

SQUIRE

That bitch bit me.

NANCY

Hen, Squire, hen.

The second chicken attacks Squire’s back side. He turns and takes a swipe at the hen. The hen’s wings flare up, her feet aim for his face, and she squawks loud enough to wake the dead. Squire cover’s his eyes and stumbles into another box. His headlamp falls off and he drops the pen light. The other hens get restless like there’s a fox in the henhouse. Several more peck at Squire.

NANCY

Now you went and did dumb-ass.

Nancy grabs the pen light and headlamp, turns it on, flashes it at the attacking chickens, and pulls Squire to safety. Nancy turns out the light. They hide behind some stacked crates. Another cloud darkens the moon.

SQUIRE

(Whispering)

They got me good; drew blood. God damned chickens. My face stings, my hand hurts.

Nancy dabs his face with her shirt cuff.

NANCY

Ok poor baby, I warned you. Good thing you wore your biking leather.

SQUIRE

You have a gentle touch.

He strokes her hand. The hens settle down. Squire puts his lips seductively to Nancy’s ear.

SQUIRE

(Whispering)

The nests turned up empty. Read that clue again.

Nancy turns her face towards him, their lips inches apart.

NANCY

(Low volume)

Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.

SQUIRE

But the nests are empty.

NANCY

Perhaps, the egg isn’t under the roosting chickens.

Squire moves in closer

SQUIRE

What if you found it first? Would you let me know?

He kisses Nancy and runs his hands up and down her body. Nancy feels a lump under his leather. She reaches in; he moans. She pulls out the golden egg and rushes away knocking over the crates. The chickens shriek, cackle, their wings flutter.

Squire tackles Nancy.

SQUIRE

It’s mine.

Nancy squirms away.

NANCY

I want it. I need it.

Squire grabs her arm and the egg flies into the battling chickens. A shotgun blast outside. Squire grabs Nancy, kisses and pushes her away. He dives into the fury of chickens. A farmer bursts into the hen house, his headlamp illuminates Squire. He aims his gun first at Squire and then Nancy. Nancy spies and grabs the egg before rolling behind the tumbled crates. She notices the egg covered in gold foil and rips it off. Inside the foil is a tape with numbers. Nancy crumples it and stuffs it in her bra.

FARMER

God-damned chicken thieves. I should shoot the both of you.

SQUIRE

Hey brother, we are not chicken thieves, just an amorous couple looking for privacy.

FARMER

In my chicken coop?

Nancy steps out from the crates holding the egg behind her back. She saunters beside Squire.

NANCY

Please don’t shoot. We’re only looking for the golden egg.

FARMER

My chickens don’t lay golden eggs.

SQUIRE

My friend is just embarrassed. If you burst in a few minutes later…oh boy.

Sally shoots a “really” look.

FARMER

You some kind of pervert? In a chicken house?

SQUIRE

Just look at her.

The farmer turns his head and lamp towards Nancy.

SQUIRE

Check out that face, those eyes, soft lips begging to be kissed.

Nancy stands like a deer in the headlights.

SQUIRE

Move on down to that luscious body encased in soft leather.

The farmer’s light moves downward. The shotgun droops. With the speed of light, Squire moves in and grabs the shotgun away from the farmer’s hands and aims it at him.

SQUIRE

If you value your life, go back to your house and stay there for at least a half an hour. I’ll leave the gun in the corner. I need that woman and I need her now.

FARMER

Perverts.

He makes a quick departure.

NANCY

Did you mean any of what you just said? A half an hour?

SQUIRE

Do you care?

Nancy moves in close, places the egg in Squire’s hand. She pulls the penlight from her leather pocket and shines it on the egg. Squire rolls it around.

SQUIRE

It looks like gold painted lead.

Squire hands it back to Nancy and retrieves his headlamp. The soft glow of first light enters the coop. He turns the lamp on and studies the egg in Nancy’s palm.

SQUIRE

I’m done; let’s go. I know of a motel down the road where we can take a hot shower and…

NANCY

(Purring)

I know a better place.

OS – Sound of motorcycles that soon stops.

Two bikers in jeans and leather jackets burst into the coop. One with a handgun, the other wielding a knife. The short biker sporting a Dali mustache and goatee pockets his knife when he spies shotgun. He aims it at the couple. The taller biker with long hair and BUSHY BEARD replaces the handgun to the holster at his hip.

BUSHY BEARD

Hand it over.

SQUIRE

Hand over what?

BUSHY BEARD

That egg you’re holding. It belongs to us.

Nancy passes the egg to Squire. Squire turns his headlight to shine on the egg as he hands it to Bushy Beard.

BUSHY BEARD

What the hell is this? It looks like gold painted lead.

NANCY

That’s all we found. The egg might still be in one of the nests. You need to find it before the sun comes up so there’s not much time.

The man with the Dali mustache shoots the shotgun into the roof of the coop. The startled chickens rise up, flap wings, and stir up dust. The two bikers rush the bedlam of feathers and dust towards the nests. The chickens attack. Dali mustache screams.

Nancy and Squire slip out the door.

O. S.

The sounds of two motorcycles speeding away to the wail of approaching police sirens.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle’s QE Cycle #3 Scene edited for feedback exchange, Nancy and Squire

Scavenger Hunt.

LOG-LINE: Squire and Nancy, paired as a biker team, must work together to find the golden egg, their passport to financial freedom, and after meeting other challenges are now near their goal.

ESSENCE: Both Squire and Nancy want to find the golden egg first and keep it for themself.

SCENE: CHICKEN COOP – EARLY MORNING BEFORE DAYLIGHT.

After meeting other challenges of the hunt, Squire and Nancy, arrive two hours before daylight. The last clue reads, “Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.” Squire wears a headlamp, Nancy holds a small pen flashlight. Squire looks around the hen house at the roosting chickens.

SQUIRE

Help me chase them out of here.

NANCY

I take it you’ve never been attacked by a chicken.

Squire takes on a tough guy stance.

SQUIRE

Bring them on.

NANCY

Shhh! Never disturb a roosting hen who lays the golden egg.

SQUIRE

Ok, farm girl what do you have in mind?

Squire’s headlamp illuminates Nancy who looks smoking hot in her biking leather. His eyes caress her best assets from top to bottom.

NANCY

Turn that thing off.

Squire complies and moves in closer. Nancy pushes him out of her space, turns on her penlight, and aims it toward the bottom of a nest. She she gently gropes under the chicken, grabs an egg, looks at it, and replaces it.

NANCY

Just an egg. Anyway city boy, that’s how it’s down. As you can see the hen still sleeps. How gentle is your touch?

Nancy aims the light at his face. He grins.

SQUIRE

Oh baby, let me show you.

Nancy moves her light to illuminate the base of the next nest.

NANCY

Ok, Romeo, your turn.

Squire squirms as he slips his hand under the sleeping hen and gropes underneath. He quickly pulls it out; the chicken cackles.

NANCY

Gentle, slow. If she cackles again she could wake up the flock.

SQUIRE

Nothing there.

Nancy moves on to the next nest, gently burrows under, pulls out an egg, and replaces it. She moves back to the nest that Squire checked, reaches in, gropes gently, pulls out an egg, and holds it in front of his face.

NANCY

What do you call this?

SQUIRE

An egg.

A dark cloud moves away from in front of the moon and gentle light illuminates the coop through the large window.

NANCY

Look a full moon.

Nancy hands her pen light to Squire.

NANCY

Here use this. The moonlight works for me.

Squire runs the light up and down her body.

SQUIRE

Kind of romantic isn’t it?

NANCY

Not really. I’m standing in a smelly chicken coop with you.

SQUIRE

Right, just like I said, romantic.

NANCY

Search for the egg before the time runs out and the sun comes up. Remember, gentle as possible so not to wake the hens.

Squire and Nancy search each nest and come up empty. Nancy rechecks Squire’s nests as he watches. He frowns and begins to recheck the ones that Nancy did. A hen squawks, Squire curses and leaps back, bumping into another nest.

SQUIRE

That bitch bit me.

NANCY

Hen, Squire, hen.

The second chicken attacks Squire’s back side. He turns and takes a swipe at the hen. The hen’s wings flare up, her feet aim for his face, and she squawks loud enough to wake the dead. Squire cover’s his eyes and stumbles into another box. His headlamp falls off and he drops the pen light. The other hens get restless like there’s a fox in the henhouse. Several more peck at Squire.

NANCY

Now you went and did dumb-ass.

Nancy grabs the pen light and headlamp, turns it on, flashes it at the attacking chickens, and pulls Squire to safety. Nancy turns out the light. They hide behind some stacked crates. Another cloud darkens the moon.

SQUIRE

(Whispering)

They got me good; drew blood. God damned chickens. My face stings, my hand hurts.

Nancy dabs his face with her shirt cuff.

NANCY

Ok poor baby, I warned you. Good thing you wore your biking leather.

SQUIRE

You have a gentle touch.

He strokes her hand. The hens settle down. Squire puts his lips seductively to Nancy’s ear.

SQUIRE

(Whispering)

The nests turned up empty. Read that clue again.

Nancy turns her face towards him, their lips inches apart.

NANCY

(Low volume)

Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.

SQUIRE

But the nests are empty.

NANCY

Perhaps, the egg isn’t under the roosting chickens.

Squire moves in closer

SQUIRE

What if you found it first? Would you let me know?

He kisses Nancy and runs his hands up and down her body. Nancy feels a lump under his leather. She reaches in; he moans. She pulls out the golden egg and rushes away knocking over the crates. The chickens shriek, cackle, their wings flutter.

Squire tackles Nancy.

SQUIRE

It’s mine.

Nancy squirms away.

NANCY

I want it. I need it.

Squire grabs her arm and the egg flies into the battling chickens. A shotgun blast outside. Squire grabs Nancy, kisses and pushes her away. He dives into the fury of chickens. A farmer bursts into the hen house, his headlamp illuminates Squire. He aims his gun first at Squire and then Nancy. Nancy spies and grabs the egg before rolling behind the tumbled crates. She notices the egg covered in gold foil and rips it off. Inside the foil is a tape with numbers. Nancy crumples it and stuffs it in her bra.

FARMER

God-damned chicken thieves. I should shoot the both of you.

SQUIRE

Hey brother, we are not chicken thieves, just an amorous couple looking for privacy.

FARMER

In my chicken coop?

Nancy steps out from the crates holding the egg behind her back. She saunters beside Squire.

NANCY

Please don’t shoot. We’re only looking for the golden egg.

FARMER

My chickens don’t lay golden eggs.

SQUIRE

My friend is just embarrassed. If you burst in a few minutes later…oh boy.

Sally shoots a “really” look.

FARMER

You some kind of pervert? In a chicken house?

SQUIRE

Just look at her.

The farmer turns his head and lamp towards Nancy.

SQUIRE

Check out that face, those eyes, soft lips begging to be kissed.

Nancy stands like a deer in the headlights.

SQUIRE

Move on down to that luscious body encased in soft leather.

The farmer’s light moves downward. The shotgun droops. With the speed of light, Squire moves in and grabs the shotgun away from the farmer’s hands and aims it at him.

SQUIRE

If you value your life, go back to your house and stay there for at least a half an hour. I’ll leave the gun in the corner. I need that woman and I need her now.

FARMER

Perverts.

He makes a quick departure.

NANCY

Did you mean any of what you just said? A half an hour?

SQUIRE

Do you care?

Nancy moves in close, places the egg in Squire’s hand. She pulls the penlight from her leather pocket and shines it on the egg. Squire rolls it around.

SQUIRE

It looks like gold painted lead.

Squire hands it back to Nancy and retrieves his headlamp. The soft glow of first light enters the coop. He turns the lamp on and studies the egg in Nancy’s palm.

SQUIRE

I’m done; let’s go. I know of a motel down the road where we can take a hot shower and…

NANCY

(Purring)

I know a better place.

OS – Sound of motorcycles that soon stops.

Two bikers in jeans and leather jackets burst into the coop. One with a handgun, the other wielding a knife. The short biker sporting a Dali mustache and goatee pockets his knife when he spies shotgun. He aims it at the couple. The taller biker with long hair and BUSHY BEARD replaces the handgun to the holster at his hip.

BUSHY BEARD

Hand it over.

SQUIRE

Hand over what?

BUSHY BEARD

That egg you’re holding. It belongs to us.

Nancy passes the egg to Squire. Squire turns his headlight to shine on the egg as he hands it to Bushy Beard.

BUSHY BEARD

What the hell is this? It looks like gold painted lead.

NANCY

That’s all we found. The egg might still be in one of the nests. You need to find it before the sun comes up so there’s not much time.

The man with the Dali mustache shoots the shotgun into the roof of the coop. The startled chickens rise up, flap wings, and stir up dust. The two bikers rush the bedlam of feathers and dust towards the nests. The chickens attack. Dali mustache screams.

Nancy and Squire slip out the door.

O. S.

The sounds of two motorcycles speeding away to the wail of approaching police sirens.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Challenging Situations

What I have learned that is improving my writing is that rather than making a goal easy to attain, adding challenges, solutions, counter challenges, and defensive moves can create much more interest and suspense to a scene.

Scene 1: INT. OFFICE UMWA HEADQUARTERS PITTSBURGH – MORNING

A. Current Scene Logline: Ragman takes his younger brother, a carpenter, visit the United Mine Workers office in Pittsburgh to introduce him to Phil Murray, head of the district United Mine Workers, so Ervin can volunteer to build barracks for the soon to be evicted Russellton miners. They are forced to meet with Fagan, second in command.

B. Essence: Ervin wants the union to provide materials if he volunteers to get barracks built and Phil Murray can do that.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

Goal: To meet Murray.

Murray is out of the office

Fagan, doesn’t want to meet them.

Fagan leaves and delegates to the secretary.

Needs: To head the project to get the shelters built asap.

Ervin has only two weeks to get the job done.

Money or materials to build the shelters

Recruit other carpenters to help

Too timid to confront Fagan or the secretary.

Values: Doesn’t want the families to suffer the winter in tents.

Fagan lacks compassion

Wound: Ervin accidentally killed a man during a fight.

Fagan’s manner irritates him.

Physical: Ervin is six foot three and powerfully built

He waits in front of Fagan’s office for hours.

D. Quick summary new scene:

Ragman takes Ervin to the UMW headquarters to introduce him to Phil Murray head of the district. Ervin wants to volunteer his carpentry skills to build barracks for the soon to be evicted mine families in Russellton and hopes Murray will provide materials. Murray is out of the office. Fagan, Murray’s second in command, avoids meeting with them. He leaves and delegates to the secretary. The secretary is not helpful. When Fagan returns from lunch, Ervin stands in front of his office door. Fagan baits a fight. Ragman intervenes.

Scene 2: INT. STABLE JAIL CELL – NIGHT

A. Current Scene Logline: Dennis Cooney aspiring boxer and and another Coal and Iron Policeman sit playing cards as they guard the cell containing Ervin. Cooney brags about his boxing talent and achievements. Ragman and Albert burst into the stable to save their brother, Ragman with a shotgun, Albert with fists.

B. Essence: Ragman and Albert are bent on saving their brother, Cooney determined to stop them and itching to kill.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

Cooney is a champion boxer.

A third jailer enters behind ragman and grabs him.

The gun flies into a horse stall.

Ragman must fight the third jailer to retrieve the gun.

Cooney grabs the keys from Albert but they land in the cell

Cooney ready to fight but jailer two blocks his way.

Albert takes down the jailer and Cooney attacks

Albert KO’s Cooney and locks him in the cell

Ervin is badly beaten, the other prisoner deathly ill

Second jailer ran to the boarding house for reinforcements.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge:

Ragman and Albert burst into the stable jail to save their brother, Ragman with a shotgun, Albert with fists. Ragman gets blindsided and his gun flies into a horse stall. Ragman fights the jailer to retrieve the gun. Albert takes on the other two with his fists, one falls, the other, a champion boxers, matches Albert blow by blow. Albert KO’s him. Ragman retrieves the gun. They lock tow jailers in the cell, the third ran off for reinforcements. Ervin, badly beaten, can barely walk. The other prisoner is deathly ill. A quick escape almost impossible.

Scene 1: INT. OFFICE UMWA HEADQUARTERS PITTSBURGH – AFTERNOON

A. Current Scene Logline: Ragman drives his younger brother, a carpenter, to the United Mine Workers office in Pittsburgh so he can volunteer to build barracks for the soon to be evicted Russellton miners. They meet with Pat Fagan second under Phil Murray.

B. Essence: Despite not being a union member, Ervin hopes to convince Pat Fagan to allow him to head the barracks building project.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

Fagan refuses to meet with him.

Fagan turns him down because he isn’t union.

Neither Murray of Fagan are in the office.

Ervin refuses to meet with an underling.

Fagan seems more interested in Ragman the war hero.

Phil Murray shows up during the meeting with Fagan and the two dispute between tents or wood structures.

Ervin and Ragman wait two hours to talk to someone.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.

Fagan refuses to meet with Ervin and Ragman saying he is too busy. Ervin and Ragman wait two hours until Fagan attempts to leave for lunch. Ragman confronts him as he blocks the door. Fagan passes them on to the secretary. Ragman tells the secretary to get Phil Murray on the phone. She states that Murray is out of the office and she doesn’t know how to reach him. Ragman calls her bluff. The secretary calls Murray and hands the phone to Ragman. The two chat for a few minutes before Ragman gives it to the secretary for her to talk to her boss. She tells Ragman and Ervin they are welcome to sit and wait. Fagan returns from lunch and still refuses to see them until the secretary sets him straight. Fagan goes to his office and makes Ragman and Ervin wait another hour before seeing them. Ervin begins his pitch and Fagan complains about him not being union. Murray returns and interrupts the meeting and gives Ragman a warm greeting. Fagan taken aback and quickly changes his position. Murray sits in on the meeting asks several questions. He appoints Ervin to lead the barracks building project and calls him a miracle. He orders Fagan to set in motion the delivery of lumber and tarpaper. When Fagan suggests tents, Murray tells him that most likely the strike will last through winter and tents will not keep the families alive.

Scene 2: INT. STABLE JAIL CELL – NIGHT

A. Current Scene: Dennis Cooney aspiring boxer and covert agent spying on the commander of the Coal and Iron Police sits playing cards with two jailers guarding the cell containing Ervin. Cooney brags about his boxing talent and achievements. Ragman and Albert burst into the stable to save their brother, Ragman with a shotgun, Albert with only fists.

B. Essence: Ragman and Albert are bent on saving their brother, Cooney even more determined to stop them and itching to kill.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges

Albert grabs the keys

A third jailer enters from out side, grabs Ragman from behind, the gun flies in the air.

The gun lands in a horse stall and angers the horse

Cooney rushes Albert and the keys land in the cell

Albert lifts his fists ready to take on Cooney and Jailer one.

Cooney does the same, ready to fight.

Jailer one gets between Cooney and Albert.

Cooney holds back until Jailer One gets decked in two punches.

Cooney moves in for his own action and gets in a few solid blows.

Cooney’s offense soon dissolves.

He defends blow after blow against punches that feel like sledge hammers.

Boom, Cooney’s body slams against the cold steel of the cell.

Cooney pushes his thumbs towards Albert’s eyeballs but scratches his cheek instead.

Albert connects a forceful undercut to Cooney’s jaw and Cooney slithers to the floor.

Albert and Ragman help Ervin and the other prisoner escape.

Cooney wakes up to find himself and the other jailers locked into the cell.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.

Ragman and Albert burst into the jail, Ragman with a gun, Albert to grab the keys to the cell. As Albert approaches the cell a third jailer enters the building an grabs Ragman. The gun flies into a horse stall angering the horse. Cooney rushes Albert and the keys land in the cell. Albert lifts his fists ready to take on Cooney and Jailer One. Cooney does the same. Jailer One steps in front of Cooney blocking his attack. Cooney holds back until Albert decks the jailer with two blows. Cooney moves in for action and gets in a few solid punches for the upper hand. His offense soon dissolves as he defends blow after blow of punches that feel like sledge hammers. Boom, Cooney’s body slams against the hard steel of the cell. He goes for Albert’s eyes with his thumbs. Albert ducks; Cooney hits his mouth. Alberts lip bleeds. Albert connects a forceful undercut to Cooney’s jaw. Cooney slithers to the floor. Cooney wakes up to find the prisoners gone and he is locked into the cell with the other jailers.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s QE Cycle #3 Scene edited

LOG-LINE: Squire and Nancy, paired as a biker team, must work together to find the golden egg, their passport to financial freedom, and after meeting other challenges, now near their goal.

ESSENCE: Both Squire and Nancy want to find the golden egg first and keep it for themself.

SCENE: CHICKEN COOP – EARLY MORNING BEFORE DAYLIGHT.

After meeting other challenges of the hunt, Squire and Nancy, arrive two hours before daylight. The last clue reads, “Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.” Squire wears a headlamp, Nancy holds a small pen flashlight. Squire looks around the hen house at the roosting chickens.

SQUIRE

Help me chase them out of here.

NANCY

I take it you’ve never been attacked by a chicken.

Squire takes on a tough guy stance.

SQUIRE

Bring them on.

NANCY

Shhh! Never disturb a roosting hen who lays the golden egg.

SQUIRE

Ok, farm girl what do you have in mind?

Squire’s headlamp illuminates Nancy who looks smoking hot in her biking leather. His eyes caress her best assets from top to bottom.

NANCY

Turn that thing off.

Squire complies and moves in closer. Nancy pushes him out of her space, turns on her penlight, and aims it toward the bottom of a nest. She she gently gropes under the chicken, grabs an egg, looks at it, and replaces it.

NANCY

Just an egg. Anyway city boy, that’s how it’s down. As you can see the hen still sleeps. How gentle is your touch?

Nancy aims the light at his face. He grins.

SQUIRE

Oh baby, let me show you.

Nancy moves her light to illuminate the base of the next nest.

NANCY

Ok, Romeo, your turn.

Squire squirms as he slips his hand under the sleeping hen and gropes underneath. He quickly pulls it out; the chicken cackles.

NANCY

Gentle, slow. If she cackles again she could wake up the flock.

SQUIRE

Nothing there.

Nancy moves on to the next nest and gently goes under and pulls out an egg and replaces it. She moves back to the nest that Squire checked, reaches in, gropes, gently pulls out an egg, and holds it in front of his face.

NANCY

What do you call this?

SQUIRE

An egg.

A dark cloud moves away from in front of the moon and gentle light illuminates the coop through the large window.

NANCY

Look a full moon.

Nancy hands her light to Squire.

NANCY

Here use this. The moonlight works for me.

Squire runs the light up and down her body.

SQUIRE

Kind of romantic isn’t it?

NANCY

Not really. I’m standing in a smelly chicken coop with you.

SQUIRE

Right, just like I said, romantic.

NANCY

Search for the egg before time runs out. Remember, gentle as possible so not to wake the hens.

Squire and Nancy search each nest and come up empty. Nancy rechecks Squire’s nests as he watches. He frowns and begins to recheck the ones that Nancy did. A hen squawks, Squire curses as he leaps back bumping into another nest.

SQUIRE

That bitch bit me.

NANCY

Hen, Squire, hen.

The second chicken attacks Squire’s back side. He turns and takes a swipe at the hen. The hen’s wings flare up, her feet aim for his face, and she squawks loud enough to wake the dead. Squire cover’s his eyes and stumbles into another box. His headlamp falls off and he drops the pen light. The other hens get restless like there’s a fox in the henhouse. Several more peck at Squire.

NANCY

Now you went and did dumb-ass.

Nancy grabs the pen light and headlamp, turns it on, flashes it at the attacking chickens, and pulls Squire to safety. Nancy turns out the light. They hide behind some stacked crates. Another cloud darkens the moon.

SQUIRE

(Whispering)

They got me good; drew blood. God damned chickens. My face stings, my hand hurts.

Nancy dabs his face with her shirt cuff.

NANCY

Oh poor baby, I warned you. Good thing you wore your biking leather.

SQUIRE

You have a gentle touch.

He strokes her hand. The hens settle down. Squire puts his lips seductively to Nancy’s ear.

SQUIRE

The nests turned up empty. Read that clue again.

Nancy turns her face towards him, their lips inches apart.

NANCY

Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.

SQUIRE

But the nests were empty.

NANCY

Perhaps, the egg isn’t under the roosting chickens.

Squire moves in closer

SQUIRE

What if you found it first? Would you let me know?

He kisses Nancy and runs his hands up and down her body. Nancy feels a lump under his leather. She reaches in and he moans. She pulls out the golden egg and rushes away knocking over the crates. The chickens shriek, cackle, their wings flutter.

Squire tackles Nancy.

SQUIRE

It’s mine.

Nancy squirms away.

NANCY

I want it.

Squire grabs her arm and the egg flies into the battling chickens. A shotgun goes off outside. Squire grabs at Nancy and kisses her hard before taking on the chickens. A farmer bursts into the hen house, his headlamp illuminates Squire. He aims the shot gun first at Squire and then Nancy. Nancy runs over to grab the egg, and rolls behind the tumbled crates. She notices it covered in foil and rips it off. Inside the foil is a tape with numbers. Nancy crumples and stuffs it in her bra.

FARMER

God-damned chicken thieves. I should shoot the both of you.

SQUIRE

We’re not chicken thieves, just an amorous couple looking for privacy.

FARMER

In my chicken coop?

Nancy steps out from the crates and the egg behind her back. She saunters beside Squire.

NANCY

Don’t shoot. We are looking for the golden egg.

FARMER

My chickens don’t lay golden eggs.

SQUIRE

My friend is just embarrassed. Good thing you didn’t come in any later.

Sally shoots a “really” look.

FARMER

You some kind of pervert? In a chicken house?

SQUIRE

Just look at her.

The farmer turns his head and lamp towards Nancy.

SQUIRE

Check out that face, those eyes, soft lips begging to be kissed.

Nancy stands like a deer in the headlights.

SQUIRE

Move on down to that luscious body encased in soft leather.

The farmer’s light moves downward. The shotgun droops. With the speed of light, Squire moves in and grabs the shotgun away from the farmer’s hands and aims it at him.

SQUIRE

If you value your life, go back to your house and stay there for at least a half an hour. I’ll leave the gun in the corner. I need that woman and I need her now.

FARMER

Perverts.

He makes a quick departure.

NANCY

Did you mean any of what you just said?

SQUIRE

Do you care?

Nancy moves in close, places the egg in Squire’s hand. She pulls the penlight from her leather pocket and shines it on the egg. Squire rolls it around.

SQUIRE

It looks like gold painted lead.

Squire hands it back to Nancy and retrieves his headlamp. The soft glow of first light enters the coop. He turns it on and aims at the egg in Nancy’s palm.

SQUIRE

I give up. I know of a motel down the road where we can take a hot shower and, and

NANCY

(Purring)

I know a better place.

OS – the sound of motorcycles that soon stops.

Two bikers in jeans and leather jackets burst into the coop. One with a handgun, the other with a knife. The short biker sporting a Dali mustache and goatee spies and grabs the shotgun. He aims it at the couple. The taller biker with long hair and a BUSHY BEARD replaces the handgun to the holster at his hip.

BUSHY BEARD

Hand it over.

SQUIRE

Hand over what?

BUSHY BEARD

That egg you’re holding. It belongs to us.

Nancy passes the egg to Squire who hands it over. Squire turns his headlight to shine on the egg. Bushy Beard examines it.

BUSHY BEARD

What the hell is this? It looks like gold painted lead.

NANCY

That’s all we found. The egg might still be in one of the nests. You need to find it before the sun comes up so there’s not much time.

The man with the Dali mustache shoot the shotgun into the roof of the coop. The startled chickens rise up, flap wings, and stir up dust. The two bikers move through the bedlam of feathers and dust towards the nests to be attacked by the chickens.

Nancy and Squire slip out the door.

O. S.

The sounds of two motorcycles speeding away to the wail of police sirens.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s QE Cycle #3 Scene

LOG-LINE: Squire and Nancy, paired as a biker team, must work together to find the golden egg, their passport to financial freedom, and after meeting other challenges, now near their goal.

ESSENCE: Problem, each wants to find it first and keep it for themself.

SCENE: CHICKEN COOP – EARLY MORNING BEFORE DAYLIGHT.

After meeting other challenges of the hunt, Squire and Nancy, arrive two hours before daylight. The last clue reads, “Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.” Squire wears a headlamp, Nancy holds a small pen flashlight. Squire looks around the hen house at the roosting chickens.

SQUIRE

Help me chase them out of here.

NANCY

I take it you’ve never been attacked by a chicken.

Squire takes on a tough guy stance.

SQUIRE

Bring them on.

NANCY

Shhh! Never disturb a roosting hen who lays the golden egg.

SQUIRE

Ok, farm girl what do you have in mind?

Squire’s headlamp illuminates Nancy who looks smoking hot in her biking leather. He eyes her up and down with a seductive smile.

NANCY

Turn that thing off.

Squire complies and moves in closer. Nancy pushes him out of her space, turns on her penlight, and aims it toward the bottom of the nest. She reaches it inside, grabs an egg and replaces it.

NANCY

Just an egg. Anyway city boy, that’s how it’s down. As you can see the hen still sleeps. How gentle is your touch?

Nancy aims the light at his face. He grins.

SQUIRE

Oh baby, let me show you.

Nancy moves her light to illuminate the base of the next nest.

NANCY

Ok, Romeo, your turn.

Squire squirms as he puts his hand under the sleeping hen and gropes underneath. He quickly pulls it out and the chicken cackles.

NANCY

Gentle, slow. If she cackles again she could wake up the flock.

SQUIRE

Nothing there.

Nancy moves on to the next nest and gently goes under and pulls out an egg and replaces it. She moves back to the nest that Squire checked, reaches in, gropes, gently pulls out an egg, and holds it in front of his face.

NANCY

What do you call this?

SQUIRE

An egg.

A storm cloud moves away from in front of the moon and gentle light illuminated the coop through the large window.

NANCY

Look a full moon.

Nancy hands her light to Squire.

NANCY

Her use this. The moonlight works for me.

Squire runs the light up and down her body.

SQUIRE

Kind of romantic isn’t it?

NANCY

Not really. I’m standing in a smelly chicken coop with you.

SQUIRE

Right, just like I said, romantic.

NANCY

Search for the egg before we run out of time. Remember, gentle as possible so not to wake the hens.

Squire and Nancy search each nest and come up empty. Nancy rechecks Squire’s nests as he watches. He frowns and begins to recheck the ones that Nancy did. A hen squeaks, Squire curses as he leaps back bumping into another nest.

SQUIRE

That god damned bitch bit me.

NANCY

Hen, Squire, hen.

The second chicken attacks Squire’s back side. He turns and takes a swipe at the hen. The hen’s wings flare up, her feet aim for his face, and she squawks to wake the dead. Squire cover’s it and stumbles into another box. His headlamp falls off and he drops the pen light. The other hens get restless like a fox in the henhouse. Several more leave their roosts and peck at Squire.

NANCY

Now you went and did you dumb-ass.

Nancy grabs the headlamp, turns it on, flashes it at the attacking chickens, and pulls Squire to safety. Nancy turns out the light. They hide behind some stacked crates. Another cloud darkens the moon.

SQUIRE

(Whispering)

They got me good; drew blood. God damned chickens. My face stings, my hand hurts.

Nancy dabs his face with her shirt cuff.

NANCY

I warned you. Good thing you had on your biking leather.

SQUIRE

Your sure have a gentle touch.

The hens settle down again. Squire puts his lips seductively to Nancy’s ear.

SQUIRE

The nests turned up empty. Read that clue again.

Nancy turns her face towards him, their lips inches apart.

NANCY

Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.

SQUIRE

But the nests were empty.

NANCY

Perhaps, the egg isn’t under the roosting chickens.

Squire moves in closer

SQUIRE

What if you found it first? Would you let me know?

He kisses Nancy and runs his hands up and down her body. Nancy feels a lump under his leather. She reaches in and he moans. She pulls out the golden egg and rushes away knocking over the crates. The chickens shriek, cackle, their wing flutter.

Squire tackles Nancy.

SQUIRE

It’s mine.

Nancy squirms away.

NANCY

I want it.

Squire grabs her arm and the egg flies into the battling chickens. A shotgun goes off outside. Squire grabs at Nancy and kisses her hard before taking on the chickens and grabbing the golden egg. A farmer bursts into the house, his headlamp illuminates Squire, and he aims the shot gun. Nancy runs over to grab the egg, and rolls behind the tumbled crates.

FARMER

God-damned chicken thieves. I should shoot the both of you.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that by using these techniques I can take a good scene and make it even more interesting to improve the whole story.

INT. O’SHEA’S OFFICE- TWO HOURS LATER

LOGLINE: Albert finishes his evaluation boxing match and meets with the promoter in his office to learn if he’ll take on Albert and to negotiate terms if he does.

ESSENCE: Albert needs money, boxing a way to earn it, so he must impress the trainer and promoter.

INTEREST TECHNIQUES:

Creating a future – a boxing career

Anticipatory dialog – The trainer thinks Albert has potential.

Dilemma – Take it, low percentage of purse for hard fighting. Pass, than no money or training. Heightened dilemma: Fighting as a cover for a union organizer.

Hook : Both Albert and Pinky lean Red (Communist).

INT. O’SHEA’S OFFICE- TWO LATER

Albert, showered and dressed in street clothes, feels pumped by his first match in months. He enters the office and notices Max already there. Pinky nods for Albert to sit.

ALBERT

You interested?

PINKY

You ask too many questions. Max thinks you got potential.

Max nods assent.

MAX

So does Tony.

PINKY

So far, Tony’s been our best fighter. With some work and more experience Max feels you can go far in this business.

ALBERT

Thank you, but I don’t have a backer and little money.

PINKY

If you turn out to be as good as Max predicts, we can work something out. You can pay another way.

Albert looks puzzled and leery.

ALBERT

Nothing shady or I go elsewhere.

Pinky waves his hands like in Whoa.

PINKY

Nothing shady. Let’s call it, (he stalls) an unusual proposition. Max and I will work with you for 80% of the winnings, not counting side bets.

ALBERT

And, if I win all my matches against all comers, my percentage goes up after the first six men I fight?

Pinky looks towards Max, up at the ceiling, and lets out a long breath.

PINKY

We’ll negotiate. You’ll be boxing in various coal camps taking on all comers. The choices will be gloved or, hummm, bare fisted.

MAX

The coppers in the coal camps eat up bare fisted and bet heavy on it. We’ll limit it to one per town.

ALBERT

How many opponents, my limit?

PINKY

Usually a few quickies with the novices. One big match, 10 rounds. A second, Max’s decision.

Albert nods it might work.

ALBERT

Anything else?

PINKY

Yep, I promote and collect money. Max looks after you. You box and recover. The driver gets us there and home again.

Albert looks from Pinky to Max.

ALBERT

And?

MAX

Better tell the rest.

PINKY

The driver, one of my commie buddies, will be conducting meetings while you box. Some are short, others longer. You’ll be instructed on how much time he’ll need. Get my drift.

MAX

You’ll be a cover for a union organizer.

Albert’s jaw drops in astonishment.

ALBERT

Wow!

PINKY

You object? Tell me now.

MAX

Don’t worry about the boss, he’s only a little bit red. That’s why we call him Pinky.

They all laugh.

ALBERT

Some call me red like my hair. I’m for the union. Two weeks ago I lost my job at the Powhattan Mine in Ohio. The management didn’t like my views.

Pinky’s smile fills his face. Max looks pleased.

PINKY

Max, I think we found our solution.

ALBERT

When do I start?

PINKY

Be here at six am, sharp. How far away do you live?

ALBERT

About Twelve miles of main road, eight by back roads and farmland.

PINKY

Perfect. You own a headlamp.

ALBERT

(Confused)

Yes, I have one.

PINKY

Good. you’ll need it.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Challenging Situations

What I have learned that is improving my writing is that rather than making a goal easy to attain, adding challenges, solutions, counter challenges, and defensive moves can create much more interest and suspense to a scene.

Scene 1: INT. OFFICE UMWA HEADQUARTERS PITTSBURGH – MORNING

A. Current Scene Logline: Ragman takes his younger brother, a carpenter, visit the United Mine Workers office in Pittsburgh to introduce him to Phil Murray, head of the district United Mine Workers, so Ervin can volunteer to build barracks for the soon to be evicted Russellton miners. They are forced to meet with Fagan, second in command.

B. Essence: Ervin wants the union to provide materials if he volunteers to get barracks built and Phil Murray can do that.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

Goal: To meet Murray.

Murray is out of the office

Fagan, doesn’t want to meet them.

Fagan leaves and delegates to the secretary.

Needs: To head the project to get the shelters built asap.

Ervin has only two weeks to get the job done.

Money or materials to build the shelters

Recruit other carpenters to help

Too timid to confront Fagan or the secretary.

Values: Doesn’t want the families to suffer the winter in tents.

Fagan lacks compassion

Wound: Ervin accidentally killed a man during a fight.

Fagan’s manner irritates him.

Physical: Ervin is six foot three and powerfully built

He waits in front of Fagan’s office for hours.

D. Quick summary new scene:

Ragman takes Ervin to the UMW headquarters to introduce him to Phil Murray head of the district. Ervin wants to volunteer his carpentry skills to build barracks for the soon to be evicted mine families in Russellton and hopes Murray will provide materials. Murray is out of the office. Fagan, Murray’s second in command, avoids meeting with them. He leaves and delegates to the secretary. The secretary is not helpful. When Fagan returns from lunch, Ervin stands in front of his office door. Fagan baits a fight. Ragman intervenes.

Scene 2: INT. STABLE JAIL CELL – NIGHT

A. Current Scene Logline: Dennis Cooney aspiring boxer and and another Coal and Iron Policeman sit playing cards as they guard the cell containing Ervin. Cooney brags about his boxing talent and achievements. Ragman and Albert burst into the stable to save their brother, Ragman with a shotgun, Albert with fists.

B. Essence: Ragman and Albert are bent on saving their brother, Cooney determined to stop them and itching to kill.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

Cooney is a champion boxer.

A third jailer enters behind ragman and grabs him.

The gun flies into a horse stall.

Ragman must fight the third jailer to retrieve the gun.

Cooney grabs the keys from Albert but they land in the cell

Cooney ready to fight but jailer two blocks his way.

Albert takes down the jailer and Cooney attacks

Albert KO’s Cooney and locks him in the cell

Ervin is badly beaten, the other prisoner deathly ill

Second jailer ran to the boarding house for reinforcements.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge:

Ragman and Albert burst into the stable jail to save their brother, Ragman with a shotgun, Albert with fists. Ragman gets blindsided and his gun flies into a horse stall. Ragman fights the jailer to retrieve the gun. Albert takes on the other two with his fists, one falls, the other, a champion boxers, matches Albert blow by blow. Albert KO’s him. Ragman retrieves the gun. They lock tow jailers in the cell, the third ran off for reinforcements. Ervin, badly beaten, can barely walk. The other prisoner is deathly ill. A quick escape almost impossible.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Full Out Characters

What I learned that is improving my writing is that by daring to get out of the box by making a few changes to a character’s profile can not only add more drama and layers to the character but add interesting new possibilities and situations in the story line.

Vision of the story: Terror in a captive coal town by the coal and iron police to break a strike.

ERVIN Current Profile

Description: ERVIN is a tall and strong carpenter, a pacifist who refuses to fight.

Traits: Gentle, kind, quiet, sensitive

Subtext: Wants to make a difference in the world but too timid to attempt anything controversial.

ERVIN’S Revised Profile:

Description: ERVIN, a tall strong carpenter, struggles to control his violent rages through avoiding conflict and physical confrontations.

Traits: quiet, sensitive, kind, violent rage.

Subtext: Ervin’s gentle pacifist demeanor, covers up his guilt of accidentally breaking the neck of a school yard bully during a fight.

LUDIE’s Current Profile

Description: LUDIE is a happy Polish woman who loves her husband and children and manages to provide for her family’s welfare despite the hardship’s during the coal strike.

Traits: fun, caring, open, protective

Subtext: Ludie is protective of her husband, children, father, and siblings and ready to step in if needed.

LUDIE’S Revised Profile

Description: LUDIE appears a happy woman, good wife, mother, daughter, and sister, but struggles to keep up the facade to cover up the trauma of being raped. by the head of the coal and iron police in order to protect her family from harm and death.

Traits: good natured, caring, outspoken, secretive, emotional, deceiving.

Subtext: LUDIE’s forced happiness is a facade she is forced to maintain to protect her family from harm and death at the hands of the commander of the Coal and Iron police who raped her.

RIESE’S Profile

Description: REISE is the young innocent sister of Ludie who feels lost and overlooked since her mother’s death.

Traits: Cheerful, good natured, helpful, obedient, emotionally needy.

Subtext: RIESE is blossoming into womanhood without a mother to guide her and her father with little time and uncomfortable in handling issues that had been his deceased wife’s domain.

RIESE’S Revised Profile

Description: REISE, a blossoming teenager in love with life, misses the love and guidance of her recently deceased mother. Feeling alone and emotionally needy she falls victim to seduction by the commander of the Coal and Iron Police and must keep it secret.

Traits: good natured, helpful, needy, deceiving, cunning

Subtext: REISE must rely on her wits to keep up the facade of innocent young girl to cover up the seduction by Herr Bucholtz, resulting pregnancy, and the knowledge of her sister’s rape by the same man.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Great job with this, full of maximum interest techniques, set ups and pay offs, and expressing John’s character essence. I missed seeing Nick’s rebellious and giving traits. I see several places for expression in your scene. One line, “That was when you on my father’s Grantway research team at the time, ” confused me and interrupted the flow. Perhaps, having Nick’s recorded statement broadcast over the sound system for all to hear might add more surprise.

You might rethink your essence of the scene. To me it looked more like John avenging his father by tricking Nick into admitting his fraud and embarrassing him in front of his peers. Looking at the essence from that point of view might offer more opportunity to express Nick’s rebellious and giving traits. Over all, very well done.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Interesting read. You really put in a lot of Maximum Interest Techniques to keep me interested. I would like to see more drama in character expression and dialogue. The dialog appears too light hearted for the situation, mention of Sally a distraction. The introduction of Master Aikaido brilliant. Focus more on the emotional connection between Nick and John through the values learned from their mentor. Rethinking the essence and purpose of this scene will guide you.

EG.Essence: Nick appeals to his distrustful friend to give up the code to disarm a nuclear bomb as the clock ticks by bringing up their bond with Master Aikaido to remind John of his honorable core.

Anyway, that is what I got out of your scene. You might let the men talk face to face, John allowing Nick into the cabin to negotiate. Tweaking the essence of the scene and visualizing yourself as John with his character traits, what would yours say? Do the same with Nick. Milk each role. Add facial expressions, quirks, vocal emotion, etc. to your action. The bones you created in this scene will allow for expression of all of the character traits of both men. Think about how powerful this scene can be and give it another try. You can do this.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s QE2 Rewrite Exchange

Logline: A steel company operative meets with his hired spy for a report and to test the man’s veracity and loyalty before assigning bigger jobs.

Essence: Big John tests his instincts about his hired undercover agent as to character and reliability of information he shares.

Scene:

INT. WAREHOUSE OFFICE – DAY

1928, Pittsburgh. BIG JOHN, over six feet tall and most likely 300 lbs. or close to it, balding but with a full mustache. He wears a tailored suit that fits his bulk and sits at a large desk filling most of the small office. He places a fifty dollar bill on the table and piles a few dollar bills on top before covering the pile with another fifty. A squat man with shifty eyes stands in front of the desk. Boss smiles and tosses him a twenty dollar gold coin.

BIG JOHN

Give this to the guy outside when he enters.

Big John turns his chair away from the door. The shifty-eyed man pulls NICK, short but buff, inside. He removes the hood from over his head and slips him the coin. Nick pockets it. Standing in front of the desk Nick’s weasel eyes ogle the stack of fifties. Big John turns to face him.

BIG JOHN

What do you have to report?

NICK

Nice to see you too.

John says nothing but continues to smooth the pile of money.

NICK

What no greeting? Always down to business. I don’t even know your name.

NICK stalls but puzzles over Big John. John rolls the money into a big wad and secures the roll with a rubber band and places it in his right jacket pocket.

BIG JOHN

So talk.

He picks up a newspaper from the desk and hands it to Nick who quickly scans it.

NICK

Remember my last report.

BIG JOHN

When you let the prisoner escape and allowed yourself to be locked up in your own jail?

He smiles. Nick, agitated, his face between anger and control.

NICK

No, I warned you about Bucholtz, that he murdered a scab and blamed it on the Breaker Boys. You told me to take him out. True?

BIG JOHN

Yes, but, Bucholtz ended up getting trampled by his horse.

NICK stumps his forefinger at the article.

NICK

It was me. I did this, not some god-damned horse.

Like a change in the wind, Nick smiles and chuckles as he hands the paper back to John.

NICK CONT.

So, I did a pretty good job, don’t you think? I told you, I’m pretty clever at this stuff.

BIG JOHN (deadpan)

Along with the luck of the Irish or did you train the horse?

Nick chuckles.

NICK

Good one Boss.

BIG JOHN

Tell me about it. How you pulled it off. Then I’ll decide how clever you really are.

Nick agitated again, rolls up his eyes, before closing them to review the events of the rally and putting his twist on it.

NICK

I marched in the rear as we led the scabs from the train station to the company store. I slipped inside the mule shed and put on a ragged miner’s jacket, a stocking hat, and green scarf to ward off the cold wind. I put a rock in one pocket and brick in the other.

I exited the back of the shed and sneaked on to the porch of the store to be horse height.

NICK pauses and reads his boss’s face to see if he’s buying it.

BIG JOHN

Hmmm, go on, tell me more.

NICK

I knew Bucholtz would be three sheets in the wind, not too steady.

Big John interrupts.

BIG JOHN

Did you supply the liquor?

NICK

I did. After the ruckus started, Herr Bucholtz rides in like the big hero to save the day. He pulls a gun on the lead picket, but before he can shoot, Bam, I bean that asshole with the rock. He sways in the saddle, the gun goes off in the air, the horse rears up, and Bucholtz falls off. The poor frightened horse flails his hooves on the man’s face while seeking escape thorough the crowd. I used the distraction to smash the sonofabitch’ s windpipe with the brick. I ditch my outer clothes, race through the crowd to catch and comfort the horse. Some dumb hunky squats down beside Bucholtz’s body. I says to him, is he dead? The man nods. I calmed down the horse and after first checking him for injury, we rode back to the Curtisville barn.

Big John sits in his chair stroking his chin.

BIG JOHN

That’s quite a story. Give me the coin.

NICK

What coin? I don’t have no coin.

BIG JOHN

I must admit, I had my doubts about you. But, I’m impressed with your skills on how you pulled it off—quiet, sneaky, leaving no trace. Good work. You will be justly rewarded as promised.

A slow sly smile slinks across Johns face, a first for Nick to see. His day just got better with the promise of a big payoff.

NICK

(grinning back)

Great, do I get another assignment?

BIG JOHN

Not so fast, what about the man who trained and organized the pickets? Who is he? Did you get a name?

NICK

Not yet. Those miners are a tight-lipped bunch.

BIG JOHN

Then you didn’t finish the job. I need you to identify the organizer. Find out if he’s the same man who brought the Red relief into Russellton. Bring me better results next time. Get me a name and you remain a free agent.

NICK

I want my money.

BIG JOHN

Not until I get a name.

Nick paces in front of the desk.

NICK

Ok, I was saving this for next time. Tony, Tony Gentile. There’s your name.

Big John folds his hands over his giant belly, rolls his eyes up to the ceiling, and rolls his tongue along his lips. As Nick watches his face, John unfolds his his hands under the desk. He shakes his head in no.

BIG JOHN

Nick, Nick, Nick. When does it stop?

NICK

What stop? You wanted a name, I gave it to you. Where’s my money?

Nick, ready to explode, moves closer to the desk.

BIG JOHN

Is Gentile a boxer with red hair? I don’t think so. The name Gentile, Italian isn’t it? The one I’m thinking of works for the union, a college boy, not strong enough to beat up a boxer as good as you say you are.

Nick breaks.

NICK

You fat son of bitch. I’m tired of your shit.

Nick lunges across the desk his hands around John’s throat. John stabs him in the groin. Nick lets out a blood curdling scream and backs off. Two burly bodyguards rush inside and block the door.

BODY GUARD

Problem boss?

John waves it off . He removes the wad of cash from his right pocket and tosses it to Nick bent in pain. Nick straightens to catch it.

BIG JOHN

Severance pay, Nick. Your services no longer required. I need someone I can trust.

Big John holds his thumb and pointer finger barely apart.

BIG JOHN

You came this close to me killing you today. You won’t be so lucky next time. If the police or any other government agents come sniffing at my door, you’ re a dead man. Even your mafia friends can’t save you.

Big John mentions to his body guards.

BIG JOHN

Ok guys, remove this piece of scum to the gutter where he belongs.

One man puts a hood over Nick’s head. They both escort him outside. Big John pulls a roll of money from his left pocket. He removes the rubber band and flattens each of the twelve fifty-dollar bills, stacks the cash, and puts it in an envelope that he places into his inner coat breast pocket. He stands, flashlight in hand, and turns out the lights.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Rewrite 2, Cycle 1 Scene

INT. ROADHOUSE BAR – DAY

1948, roadhouse bar in the south Jersey pine barrens along the main route between Philadelphia and Atlantic City. Trent, immaculately dressed, expensive pants, shirt, and shoes, waits at a table. Two locals (loggers) sit at the other end of the bar, otherwise the place looks empty. The bartender, a body builder, moves in close to Trent and the two converse in inaudible whispers. JACK, the bartender, returns to the bar and refills his customer’s beers. Trent checks his watch.

Robert enters, recognizes the bartender, his face brightens.

ROBERT

Jack, you old son of gun. Fancy meeting you in a place like this. What’s it been, years?

The two shake hands.

JACK

Roberto, I could say the same for you. Not since the Clairidge. So why are you here?

Robert checks out the room, spots Trent.

ROBERT

Meeting someone.

Robert shakes Jack’s hand again.

ROBERT

Good to see you again.

He waves at Trent and turns his attention to the men at the bar.

ROBERT

So how’s the beer in this place?

Both men give a thumbs up. Robert struts to Trent’s table and plops into a chair opposite. They

shake hands but Trent looks stern and Robert covers up his worry with small talk.

ROBERT

Nice car out front. Yours?

Trent nonchalant.

TRENT

The Alfa Romeo? Yes, of course, it’s mine. It can go up to 150mph, not that I need speed like that.

Robert checks out the room.

ROBERT

What do you want to see me about? Why a rat hole like this?

Trent forces a smile.

TRENT

To apologize. Sorry about my blow up earlier, a bad day. This rathole might be remote, but they keep expensive top shelf whisky in the back room for special customers.

ROBERT

Hey, old buddy, that describes you.

Trent ignores the comment and hails Jack.

TRENT

A drink for Robert here. Put it on my tab.

Jack ambles over, no hurry.

JACK

Roberto, what can I get you.

ROBERT

It’s Robert. My name is Robert. Got something more than beer?

Jack makes a grand gesture towards the shelf behind the bar, acts the smart ass, half bow and mocking voice.

JACK

Robert, what do you you desire?

ROBERT

Single malt on the rocks.

JACK

Top shelf or house?

Robert, a sheepish smile, looks towards Trent.

ROBERT

With Trent buying, top shelf.

Jack leaves. Trent stares at Robert, represses his anger, SHOWTIME.

TRENT

So, we got anything to celebrate?

Jack places the scotch in front of Robert and a glass of soda water mixed with ginger ale in front of Trent and leaves. Robert glances toward the locals and talks in code.

ROBERT

Our competition, knocked out of the game. That gives your investment a clear field to corner the market.

The two locals lay cash on the bar and leave. With no action at the bar, Jack wipes down tables as he eavesdrops on the conversation.

TRENT

Sounds good to me. Did you hear that Joe Bilbo’s been outed as a Red to the Feds, taken in for questioning?

Robert shrugs, feigns ignorance.

TRENT

Bilbo, the bouncer at Clicquot Club in Atlantic City? That is, until he recently lost his job.

Robert ponders the answer.

ROBERT

I don’t really know. I’ve only been to the club a couple of times. Never met him.

Trent sips his drink and leans back on his chair.

TRENT

Yes, you did. I introduced you.

Robert looks at the floor, repositions in the chair.

ROBERT

You know I’m not good with names.

TRENT

Too bad about Bilbo, he never forgot a face or a name, especially the ones in his black book of embarrassing situations. He won’t hesitate to use that information as influence.

Trent winks at Robert and smiles.

ROBERT

Thinking on it, yes I do remember him.

TRENT

I wonder what genius turned him in? Great timing for us now that our competition is in hiding.

`

Trent chuckles. Robert grows bolder.

ROBERT

Luck, I don’t think so. More like meticulous planning.

TRENT

I agree, brilliant plot, something I might do. Competition gone and we get to step in and caulk it up to blind luck. Too bad I didn’t think of it. Whoever did, kudos to them.

Robert smiles, proud of his work. Trent chuckles and clinks his glass against Robert’s.

ROBERT

Thank you for the complement. You asked me to do a job and I got it done with no link to either of us.

Trent feigns surprise.

TRENT

You? No, not you. You’re not that cunning.

Robert sits up straighter, more confident, sly smile.

ROBERT

There’s a lot about me that you don’t know.

He downs his drink and signals for another.

TRENT

Jack, forget the cheap stuff. Break out the special scotch from the back room. Robert and me need to celebrate a victory.

Jack slips into the door behind the bar and returns with a pre-war bottle. He places it on the table his hand on the neck.

JACK

Want me to pour.

Trent puts his hand over Jack’s.

TRENT

No need, leave the bottle.

Trent pours and he and Robert down a few glasses.

ROBERT

What about the reward you promised?

TRENT

First tell me how you pulled it off, details.

Robert emboldened by alcohol itches to brag about his expertise.

ROBERT

You know Frank, the guy from Trieste who owns the grocery near the docks in Philly?

TRENT

I do.

ROBERT

I hinted about our competition being a close friend of Bilbo and about Bilbo being a card carrying Communist. Antonio Sabitini was in the store at the time and overheard the conversation.

Trent drums his manicured finger nails against the table.

TRENT

Interesting, but if Bilbo’s friend was our competition, why not just out Bilbo as a homosexual?

Jack wipes down the table next to them and leans in closer.

ROBERT

Why? Fingering him as a communist worked better.

Trent fights to remain cool.

TRENT

You outed Bilbo to Frank, a Communist. Why Bilbo?

Robert lowers his voice to a whisper.

ROBERT

Because of his closeness with the competition and the governor’s mistress.

TRENT

Not sure where all this will lead. But, your brilliant work needs a suitable reward.

Trent gets up from the table as does Robert. He pats Robert on the back.

TRENT

Lots more good things in the back room. You ready? Follow me.

Robert, chest out and head high, follows Trent to behind the bar. Trent opens the door; Robert freezes.

TRENT

Come Robert, your reward awaits.

Looking through the open door, Robert stares at the man seated in the plush easy chair with a bodyguard on either side, both with guns in hand.

ROBERT

I changed my mind, gotta go.

Trent pushes Robert inside to meet Joe Ida, mafia boss in Philly and South Jersey.

TRENT

Bang some sense into him. Dumb but don’t kill him. The shit didn’t realize that he put the Feds onto Nan DeMar and her connection to you. I’d love to take the first punch but don’t want to mess up my manicure.

Robert screams. Jack slams the door shut.

JACK

Never did like that guy.

Jack places the open bottle of scotch on the bar.

JACK

Take the bottle with you.

.

Trent smiles, picks up the bottle, and saunters out the door. Through the open window we see Trent get into a 1942 Ford Coupe.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Rewrite, Cycle 1 Scene

Exchange

INT. ROADHOUSE BAR – DAY

1948, roadhouse bar in the south Jersey pine barrens along the main route between Philadelphia and Atlantic City. Trent, immaculately dressed, expensive pants, shirt, and shoes, waits at a table. Two locals sit at the other end of the bar, otherwise the place looks empty. The bartender, a body builder, moves in close to Trent and the two converse in inaudible whispers. Robert enters. Trent hails him to the table. Trent looks stern. Robert covers up his worry with small talk.

ROBERT

Nice car out front. Yours?

Trent nonchalant.

TRENT

The Alfa Romeo? Yes, of course, it’s mine. It can go up to 150mph, not that I need speed like that.

Robert lets out a long whistle.

TRENT

Sit.

The two men sit opposite. Robert scans the bar.

ROBERT

What did you want to see me about? Why here?

Trent forces a smile.

TRENT

Sorry about my blow up earlier, a bad day. This is midway, remote, expensive top shelf in the back room for special customers.

Robert remains cautious.

ROBERT

So, does that describe you?

Trent ignores the comment and hails the bartender, JACK.

TRENT

Jack, a drink for Robert here. Put it on my tab.

Jack ambles over, no hurry.

JACK

What can I get you?

ROBERT

Got something other than beer?

Jack makes a grand gesture towards the shelf behind the bar, acts the smart ass, half bow and mocking voice.

JACK

What would be your desire?

ROBERT

Single malt on the rocks.

Robert, a sheepish smile, looks towards Trent.

ROBERT

With Trent buying, make that top shelf.

Jack leaves. Trent stares at Robert, represses his anger, SHOWTIME.

TRENT

The report? Anything to celebrate?

Jack places the scotch in front of Robert and a glass of soda water mixed with ginger ale in front of Trent. Robert glances toward the locals and talks in code.

ROBERT

Depends on how you look at it. The competition, knocked out of the game. That gives our investment a clear field to corner the market.

The two locals take their beers outside. With no action at the bar, Jack wipes down tables.

TRENT

I saw in the paper that Joe Bilbo’s been outed as a Red, taken in for questioning.

Robert shrugs, feigns ignorance.

TRENT

Bilbo, the bouncer at Clicquot Club in Atlantic City? That is, until he lost his job.

Robert ponders his answer.

ROBERT

I don’t really know. I’ve only been to the club a couple of times. Never met him.

Trent sips his drink and leans back on his chair.

TRENT

You did. I introduced you.

Robert looks at the floor, repositions in the chair.

ROBERT

I’ve never been good with names.

TRENT

One thing about Bilbo, he never forgot a face or a name. Especially the ones in his black book of embarrassing situations. He never hesitated to use that information as influence.

Trent winks at Robert and smiles.

ROBERT

Thinking on it, yes, I remember him.

TRENT

I wonder what genius turned him in? Great timing for us.

Trent smiles and chuckles. Robert grows bolder.

ROBERT

Random timing, I don’t think so. More like meticulous planning.

TRENT

I agree, brilliant plot, something I might do. Competition gone and we get to step in and caulk it up to blind luck. Too bad I didn’t think of it. Whoever did, kudos to them.

Robert smiles, proud of his work. Trent chuckles and clinks his glass against Robert’s.

ROBERT

Thank you for the complement. I got the job done with no link to either of us.

Trent feigns surprise.

TRENT

You? No, not you. You’re not that cunning.

Robert sits up straighter, more confident, sly smile.

ROBERT

There’s a lot about me that you don’t know.

He downs his drink and signals for another.

TRENT

Forget the cheap stuff. Jack, break out the special scotch from the back room. Robert and me need to celebrate a victory.

Jack slips into the door behind the bar and returns with a pre-war bottle. He places it on the table his hand on the neck.

JACK

Want me to pour?

Trent puts his hand over Jack’s.

TRENT

No need, leave the bottle.

Trent pours and he and Robert down a few glasses.

ROBERT

What about the reward you promised?

TRENT

First tell me how you pulled it off, details.

Robert emboldened by alcohol itches to brag about his expertise.

ROBERT

You know Frank, the guy from Trieste who owns the grocery near the docks in Philly?

TRENT

I know him well.

ROBERT

I hinted about a close mutual friend of Bilbo being a card carrying Red. Frank didn’t deny it. Antonio Sabitini was in the store at the time and overheard the conversation.

Trent drums his manicured finger nails against the table.

TRENT

Interesting, but if Bilbo’s friend is the one I’m thinking of, why not just out Bilbo as a homosexual?

Jack finishes wiping the table next to them.

ROBERT

Why? Fingering him as a communist worked better.

TRENT

You outed him to Frank who is a Communist. Why Bilbo?

The two locals return for a refill of beer. Robert lowers his voice.

ROBERT

Because of his closeness with the competition and the governor’s mistress.

TRENT

Not sure where all this will lead. But, your brilliant work needs a suitable reward.

Trent gets up from the table as does Robert. He pats Robert on the back.

TRENT

Lots more good things in the back room. You ready? Follow me.

Robert struts as he follows Trent to behind the bar. Trent opens the door; Robert freezes.

TRENT

Come Robert, your reward awaits.

Looking through the open door, Robert stares at the man seated at A table.

ROBERT

Changed my mind.

The two patrons, both holding guns, grab Robert and escort Robert inside to meet Bruno, second in command to Joe Ida, mafia boss in Philly and South Jersey.

TRENT

No need to kill him for being a dumb shit. Robert didn’t realize that he put the Feds onto Nan DeMar and her connection to Ida. I’d love to take the first punch but don’t want to mess up my manicure.

Robert screams. Jack shuts the door.

Jack

Trent, finish up the scotch. Take it with you.

Trent picks up the bottle and saunters out the door. Through the open window we see Trent get into a 1942 Ford Coupe.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca’s Rewrite, Cycle 1 Scene

Exchange

INT. ROADHOUSE BAR – DAY

1948, roadhouse bar in the south Jersey pine barrens along the main route between Philadelphia and Atlantic City. Trent, immaculately dressed, expensive pants, shirt, and shoes, waits at a table. Two locals sit at the other end of the bar, otherwise the place looks empty. The bartender, a body builder, moves in close to Trent and the two converse in inaudible whispers. Robert enters. Trent hails him to the table. Trent looks stern. Robert covers up his worry with small talk.

ROBERT

Nice car out front. Yours?

Trent nonchalant.

TRENT

The Alfa Romeo? Yes, of course, it’s mine. It can go up to 150mph, not that I need speed like that.

Robert lets out a long whistle.

TRENT

Sit.

The two men sit opposite. Robert scans the bar.

ROBERT

What did you want to see me about? Why here?

Trent forces a smile.

TRENT

Sorry about my blow up earlier, a bad day. This is midway, remote, expensive top shelf in the back room for special customers.

Robert remains cautious.

ROBERT

So, does that describe you?

Trent ignores the comment and hails the bartender, JACK.

TRENT

Jack, a drink for Robert here. Put it on my tab.

Jack ambles over, no hurry.

JACK

What can I get you?

ROBERT

Got something other than beer?

Jack makes a grand gesture towards the shelf behind the bar, acts the smart ass, half bow and mocking voice.

JACK

What would be your desire?

ROBERT

Single malt on the rocks.

Robert, a sheepish smile, looks towards Trent.

ROBERT

With Trent buying, make that top shelf.

Jack leaves. Trent stares at Robert, represses his anger, SHOWTIME.

TRENT

The report? Anything to celebrate?

Jack places the scotch in front of Robert and a glass of soda water mixed with ginger ale in front of Trent. Robert glances toward the locals and talks in code.

ROBERT

Depends on how you look at it. The competition, knocked out of the game. That gives our investment a clear field to corner the market.

The two locals take their beers outside. With no action at the bar, Jack wipes down tables.

TRENT

I saw in the paper that Joe Bilbo’s been outed as a Red, taken in for questioning.

Robert shrugs, feigns ignorance.

TRENT

Bilbo, the bouncer at Clicquot Club in Atlantic City? That is, until he lost his job.

Robert ponders his answer.

ROBERT

I don’t really know. I’ve only been to the club a couple of times. Never met him.

Trent sips his drink and leans back on his chair.

TRENT

You did. I introduced you.

Robert looks at the floor, repositions in the chair.

ROBERT

I’ve never been good with names.

TRENT

One thing about Bilbo, he never forgot a face or a name. Especially the ones in his black book of embarrassing situations. He never hesitated to use that information as influence.

Trent winks at Robert and smiles.

ROBERT

Thinking on it, yes, I remember him.

TRENT

I wonder what genius turned him in? Great timing for us.

Trent smiles and chuckles. Robert grows bolder.

ROBERT

Random timing, I don’t think so. More like meticulous planning.

TRENT

I agree, brilliant plot, something I might do. Competition gone and we get to step in and caulk it up to blind luck. Too bad I didn’t think of it. Whoever did, kudos to them.

Robert smiles, proud of his work. Trent chuckles and clinks his glass against Robert’s.

ROBERT

Thank you for the complement. I got the job done with no link to either of us.

Trent feigns surprise.

TRENT

You? No, not you. You’re not that cunning.

Robert sits up straighter, more confident, sly smile.

ROBERT

There’s a lot about me that you don’t know.

He downs his drink and signals for another.

TRENT

Forget the cheap stuff. Jack, break out the special scotch from the back room. Robert and me need to celebrate a victory.

Jack slips into the door behind the bar and returns with a pre-war bottle. He places it on the table his hand on the neck.

JACK

Want me to pour?

Trent puts his hand over Jack’s.

TRENT

No need, leave the bottle.

Trent pours and he and Robert down a few glasses.

ROBERT

What about the reward you promised?

TRENT

First tell me how you pulled it off, details.

Robert emboldened by alcohol itches to brag about his expertise.

ROBERT

You know Frank, the guy from Trieste who owns the grocery near the docks in Philly?

TRENT

I know him well.

ROBERT

I hinted about a close mutual friend of Bilbo being a card carrying Red. Frank didn’t deny it. Antonio Sabitini was in the store at the time and overheard the conversation.

Trent drums his manicured finger nails against the table.

TRENT

Interesting, but if Bilbo’s friend is the one I’m thinking of, why not just out Bilbo as a homosexual?

Jack finishes wiping the table next to them.

ROBERT

Why? Fingering him as a communist worked better.

TRENT

You outed him to Frank who is a Communist. Why Bilbo?

The two locals return for a refill of beer. Robert lowers his voice.

ROBERT

Because of his closeness with the competition and the governor’s mistress.

TRENT

Not sure where all this will lead. But, your brilliant work needs a suitable reward.

Trent gets up from the table as does Robert. He pats Robert on the back.

TRENT

Lots more good things in the back room. You ready? Follow me.

Robert struts as he follows Trent to behind the bar. Trent opens the door; Robert freezes.

TRENT

Come Robert, your reward awaits.

Looking through the open door, Robert stares at the man seated at A table.

ROBERT

Changed my mind.

The two patrons, both holding guns, grab Robert and escort Robert inside to meet Bruno, second in command to Joe Ida, mafia boss in Philly and South Jersey.

TRENT

No need to kill him for being a dumb shit. Robert didn’t realize that he put the Feds onto Nan DeMar and her connection to Ida. I’d love to take the first punch but don’t want to mess up my manicure.

Robert screams. Jack shuts the door.

Jack

Trent, finish up the scotch. Take it with you.

Trent picks up the bottle and saunters out the door. Through the open window we see Trent get into a 1942 Ford Coupe.

[Rebecca Sukle]

INT. ROADHOUSE BAR – DAY

Trent waits at the bar in a pine barrens roadhouse along the the Black Horse Pile, the main route between Philadelphia and Atlantic City in 1948. Trent is immaculately dressed, expensive pants, shirt, and shoes. Two locals sit at the other end of the bar, otherwise the place looks empty. The bartender, a body builder, moves in close to Trent and the two converse, inaudible whispers. Robert enters and Trent hails him to a table. They shake hands but Trent looks stern and Robert worried

Trent

Have a seat.

The two men sit opposite.

Robert

What did you want to see me about and why here?

Trent forces a smile.

Trent

A progress report. I picked here because it’s midway, remote, and they keep expensive top shelf in the back room for special customers.

Robert relaxes.

Robert

That would be you.

Trent hails the bartender, Jack.

Trent

A drink for Robert here. Put it on my tab.

Jack saunters over.

Jack

What can I get you?

Robert

I’d like something more than beer. What you got?

Jack makes a grand gesture towards the shelf behind the bar, acts the smart ass with a half bow and mocking voice.

Jack

What would you desire?

Robert

Single malt on the rocks.

Jack

Top shelf or house?

Robert, a sheepish smile, looks towards Trent.

Robert

With Trent buying, top shelf.

Jack goes to get the drink. Trent stares at Robert and represses his anger. Show time.

Trent

The report? Anything to celebrate?

Jack places the scotch in front of Robert and a glass of soda water mixed with ginger ale in front of Trent. Robert glances toward the locals and talks in code.

Robert

Depends on how you look at it. The competition, knocked out of the game. That gives our investment a clear field to be first to market.

With no action at the bar, Jack wipes down tables. The two patrons at the bar take their beer outside.

Trent

I read that Joe Bilbo had been outed as Red. Wasn’t he a bouncer at the Clicquot Club until he lost his job?

Robert ponders his answer.

Robert

I don’t really know. I’ve only been to the club a couple of times. Never met him.

Trent sips his drink and leans back on his chair.

Trent

Yes, you did. I introduced you.

Robert shrugs.

Robert

I’ve never been good with names.

Trent

Unlike Bilbo. He never forgot a face or a name, especially those he added to his book of embarrassing situations. He never hesitated to use his influence.

Trent winks at Robert and smiles.

Robert

Thinking on it, yes I remember him.

Trent

Who ever turned him in, genius. The chain of events leading to the take down of our competition. What a stroke of luck.

Trent smiles and chuckles. Robert grows bolder.

Robert

Not luck, more like meticulous planning with no trail.

Trent

I agree, brilliant plot. Competition gone and we get to step in and caulk it up to blind luck. Too bad I didn’t think of it. Whoever did, kudos to them.

Robert smiles, proud of his work. Trent chuckles.

Robert

Thank you for the complement. You asked me to do a job and I got it done with no link to either of us.

Trent feigns surprise.

Trent

You? No, not you. You’re not that cunning. But if so, I predict a great future in the business.

Robert sits up straighter, more confident, sly smile.

Robert

There’s a lot about me that you don’t know.

He downs his drink and signals for another.

Trent

Jack, forget the cheap stuff. Break out the special scotch from the back room. Robert and me need to celebrate a victory.

Jack slips into the door behind the bar and returns with a pre-war bottle. He places it on the table his hand on the neck.

Jack

Want me to pour.

Trent puts his hand over Jack’s.

Trent

No need, leave the bottle.

Trent pours and he and Robert down a few glasses.

Robert

What about the reward you promised?

Trent

First tell me how you pulled it off, details.

Robert emboldened by alcohol itches to brag about his expertise.

ROBERT

You know Frank, the guy from Trieste who owns the grocery near the docks in Philly?

Trent

I know him well.

Robert

I put the bug in his ear about a mutual friend of Bilbo being a card carrying Red. Antonio Sabitini was in the store at the time and overheard the conversation.

Trent drums his manicured finger nails against the table.

Trent

Interesting, but if the friend is the one I’m thinking of, why not just out him as a homosexual?

Jack finishes wiping the table next to them.

Robert

Why, fingering him as a communist worked better.

Trent signals Jack to retrieve the bottle. Jack does and returns it to the back room. The two locals return to the bar for a refill of beer.

Trent

Not sure where all this will lead. You’ve earned a big reward for you brilliant work.

Trent gets up from the table. Robert smiles with expectation. The day turned out for him after all.

Trent

Lots more good things in the back room in addition to scotch. You ready, follow me.

Robert follows Trent to behind the bar. Trent opens the door and guides him in front. Robert freezes.

Trent

Come Robert, your reward awaits inside.

Robert

I changed my mind. I think I’ll leave.

Jack and the two patrons block the way. Through the open door sits second in command to Joe Ida, mafia boss in Philly and South Jersey, and two body guards. Trent addresses the men.

Trent

Robert didn’t realize that the trail might sic the Feds onto Nan DeMar and her connection to Ida. You don’t need to kill him for being a dumb shit. Just rough him up for now. I’d love to have the first punch but don’t want to mess up my manicure.

Robert screams as Trent pushes him into the room and shuts the door.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is finding that even a good scene can be improved and tightened using these techniques.

INT. ANDERSON HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY

After a night at the brothel, a disheveled Sherwood arrives home and learns from the babysitter that his wife gave birth to a baby girl. Chastised by the sitter, guilt sets in.

Essence: Sherwood embarrassed at his condition uses anger toward the sitter to cover up his guilt. The news that his wife gave birth during his absence adds one more layer.

Surprise, Character changes radically, Uncertainty

INT ANDERSON HOUSE – THE NEXT DAY

Sherwood, disheveled, arrives home from the brothel reeking of whisky and cheap perfume. He finds Mrs. Wampler minding the boys.

SHERWOOD

Where’s my wife?

MRS. WAMPLER

In the hospital. Where have you been?

She eyes him with disgust.

SHERWOOD

None of your GOD damn business.

Mrs. Wampler, cold anger.

MRS. WAMPLER

No need to show me the door.

She flings on her wrap, turns.

MRS. WAMPLER

Good bye boys. By the way Mr. Anderson, congratulations on your new baby girl.

She stomps out of the house. Sherwood’s jaw drops, shame replaces anger.

SHERWOOD

Come boys, lets go out for ice cream.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Profiles People

“What I’ve learned that is improving my

writing is to reduce the essence of character to core traits and use these to motivate actions and dialog in various situations. The other thing I learned that my attraction to “characters” ( I have many in my life) could be one of my core traits.

Person 1: When tested, the traits remained consistent.

1. Fun

2. Humorous

3. Helpful

4. Needy

Person 2: When tested I decided that traits one to three to be the result of insecurity. I listed competitive because this person competes with others not even in the running.

1. Condescending

2. Preachy

3. Judgmental

4. Competitive

Person 3: When tested these remained the same. I also know that this person may be bipolar, escaped from abuse, and afraid of being found.

1. Friendly

2. Needy

3. Secretive

4. Paranoid

Person 4: Is a relative who consistently exhibit these traits but also humble and kind.

1. Intelligent

2. Inquisitive

3. Quirky

4. Impractical

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is that finding the essence and reflecting that in a new logline will add a new dimension to the scene, something not thought of before this process.

Script I choose: Sherwood, a Storytellers Storyteller

Scene 1 Location: INT. ELYRIA CHAMBER OF COMMERCE – DAY

Logline: Sherwood Anderson presents a new business concept to the members of the Chamber of Commerce to show off the success within his company.

Essence I’ve discovered: He is selling them on an idea now for them to invest in his company at some future time.

New Logline: Sherwood presses a new business concept used in his company during a presentation at a Chamber meeting with hopes of the members investing in his company sometime in the future.

Scene 2 Location: EXT. CHURCH – LATER

Logline: Sherwood bends the preachers ear as his wife waits patiently in the church yard with two bored rambunctious little boys until she gets fed up and take polite action.

Essence I’ve discovered: Cornelia, fed up with Sherwood ignoring her and the boys desire to leave, politely shows she can take control when necessary.

New Logline: Fed up and embarrassed by Sherwood’s long winded conversation with the preacher, his wife asks someone to mind the boys as she politely retrieves and pulls him away.

Scene 3 Location: INT. ANDERSON LIBRARY/STUDY – NIGHT

Logline: Cornelia confronts Sherwood about his notebook and accuses him of writing stories while he should be attending to business. He confesses about wanting to be a writer rather than a businessman yet dismisses, because she is a woman, her idea that she run the business to allow him to write.

Essence I’ve discovered: Cornelia, business smart and educated, resents being subordinate to her uneducated but talented story telling husband and ready to use any means to keep the business successful by working through Sherwood.

New Logline: Cornelia confronts Sherwood about writing when he should be attending to business. He confesses he rather write his stories yet dismisses letting Cornelia take over the business she helped to build. She challenges him to a poker game.

Scene 4 Location: INT. DEN – Day

Logline: Cornelia visits her father and complains about Sherwood writing again despite his promise to focus on business. She tells him her wish to take over and let Sherwood head sales to allow him time to write. Her father nixes the idea because a woman must know her place.

Essence I’ve discovered: Cornelia resents her father’s attitude as much as he dismisses her suffragette ideas of a woman in a man’s world. She knows that her family’s survival depends on the success of the business.

New Logline: Cornelia visits her father to complain about Sherwood writing again and her wanting to a larger role in the business. Father and daughter clash as to the subservient role of women in polite society of the early 20th Century.

Scene 5 Location: INT. ATTIC – NIGHT

Logline: Cornelia visits Sherwoods attic writing room, informs him of her pregnancy that ruins all their plans, and witnesses for the first time, Sherwood arguing with his alternate personality.

Essence I’ve discovered: Sherwood’s alternate personality seduced Cornelia not Sherwood and responsible for the pregnancy that neither Cornelia or Sherwood wanted. Angry at the exposure of his alter self, he glares at his wife and rushes out of the house.

New Logline: Cornelia informs Sherwood of the pregnancy that threatens both of their dreams. She witnesses Sherwood chastising his alternate personality for seducing her, exposing his peculiarity for the first time, and turning his anger towards her.

[Rebecca Sukle]

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Sukle

“I agree to the terms of this release form.”

[Rebecca Sukle]

Rebecca Finds the Essence

What I learned from this is to look at the scene from a different perspective and to guess the essence by how it is portrayed in the scene.

The Queens Gambit

Location: Act 1 Scene 10

Logline – Social Services leads Beth into her isolated tired trailer home with dishes in the sink as Beth stares at a half drunk glass of milk with lipstick on the rim as the woman talks about funeral arrangements.

Essence: Beth still feels her mother’s presence in the room , she connects by holding the glass to her lips as reality of the loss grips her.

2. Location: Act 1 Scene 7

Logline – Beth, unhappy with fame, arrives late for her match with her greatest chess nemesis.

Essence – She arrives late and hungover because she is tired of the limelight, the loneliness of fame, and to prolong the facing a loss that she fears and yet welcomes.

3. Location: Act 1 Scene 8

Logline – Beth relives the fear of the accident that killed her mother and the guilt of remaining alive and unhurt.

Essence – A murder/suicide attempt by her mother, crashing head on into a truck at high speed, failed to kill her daughter and left her all alone.

4. Location: Act 1 Scene 17

Logline – Mrs. Deardorff show Beth her bed, the worst location in the room, and where to place her clothes as she prattles on that her life has changed for the better while Beth ignores her.

Essence – Beth’s knows her life has changed but not for the better.

5. Location: Scene 35

Logline – Beth watches as the janitor plays a game of chess and fascinated, attempts to figure out the game he plays.

Essence – She becomes absorbed in trying to figure out the game and for the first time experiences a moment of peace as the ptsd and pain of her loss disappears with her concentration.

My selection for most profound essence:

EXT. KENTUCKY HIGHWAY – DAY 8

VOICE

What are we supposed to do with

her?

AND NOW BETH AT 20 BECOMES BETH AT 9

The little girl staring at Camera.

ANOTHER VOICE They’re sending someone.

BEGIN PANNING AWAY FROM BETH…

TO LOOK DOWN a ribbon of empty Kentucky Highway, hung with low fog, as the PAN CONTINUES ACROSS THE HIGHWAY–

VOICE

Not a scratch on her.

–to A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT. Car versus Truck. Head on. The car flattened, is wedged deep under the front end of the bigger vehicle. The TRUCK DRIVER stands away from it smoking, eyes on A BODY that lies on the asphalt covered in a sheet. Now–

CONTINUE PANNING TO LOOK UP THE HIGHWAY…

TO FIND A COUPLE OF COPS standing there holding a LONG LINE OF TRAFFIC, the makes of the cars put us in the late fifties. SIRENS and FLASHING LIGHTS of rescue vehicles in the distance driving up the shoulder…

COP #1 It’s a miracle.

The other cop looks back down as CAMERA COMPLETES ITS CIRCLE and once again FINDS BETH, in a cotton dress, staring at the body on the ground.

AS THE SIRENS GET LOUDER–

Essence: Beth relives the fear of the accident that killed her mother and the feels the guilt of remaining alive and unhurt. Did her mother fail to kill both of them?

I believe this is the essence based on the condition of the car and the trauma it caused Beth throughout the story.

[Rebecca Sukle]

My name is Rebecca Sukle and I have completed two pilot scripts and working on a feature. I am the author of two labor history novels. I hope to take my writing to an even higher level. I am in my late seventies but enjoy learning, writing, teaching yoga, and hiking.

We look forward to working with you all!

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Eden,

Great title, interesting concept, and good bio. You might consider punching up the concept a notch by shortening it to your best hooks. A suggested concept below with just a few tweaks. I look forward to seeing your work on the big screen.

Best,

Rebecca

Inauguration Day: your wife is the President-Elect. Even bigger news—she’s pregnant!

Joe Harley, the highest-paid Yankee in baseball history, is determined to be an All-Star stay-at-home Dad in the White House. But when Baby Ruth is born, he struggles with fatherhood and his identity.

As the President deals with a Senate investigation dubbed “Babygate” and a Russian land grab heats up, Joe feels lost and undervalued. His fumbling through fatherhood escalates until a sex scandal puts him at the center of national attention.

Joe must bring an ‘A-game to his Babygate testimony, or risk losing what matters most—his family. With the world watching, he knows he can’t afford to strike out.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Michael,

A most intriguing concept. With a few tweaks focusing on the main hooks, this can be short, sweet,and to the point except you need to tell if it is a feature or a series. No need to remind a producer of the obvious about it being a unique concept.

I think you’ve got this. The cub wolf of Wall Street hooked me. Tweaks below.\

Wishing you great success,
\
Rebecca

Dear (Producer):

The Kid from Lynbrook is a dramedy ( feature or series ?)
about a Wall Street executive mentoring a twelve-year-old in a school stock trading club to win back his childhood sweetheart.

Everything goes awry when the SEC discovers the kid is trading real stocks using inside information.

A politically ambitious NYS AG must decide whether to prosecute the kid, while the executive faces a dilemma: testify against the kid and lose the girl or face charges and risk his career and fortune.

If this concept interests you, I’d be happy send you the script.

Best,

Michael Wallace

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Paul,

Interesting concept. I just needed a different hook and shorter concept. Please keep in mind the following rewrite is only a suggestion. Best of luck with your marketing.

Rebecca

Dear (Producer name)

What would you do if the skills that built your life became the only way to save it?

As retiring logger Frank looks forward to time with his grandchildren, his world shatters when he discovers his son-in-law’s drug addiction. With ruthless bankers, lawyers, and drug dealers threatening his family, Frank must swiftly adapt and use his logging expertise to protect his daughter and reclaim their future.

Bio: This script is inspired by a true story in my family.

If you like the concept, I would be happy to send you the script.

Best,

Paul
Contact information

• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hello William,

Most interesting concept. I hope you don’t mind but I used your information to lead with an attention grabbing hook followed by genre, title, and comps. I tweaked the concept to make it even more exciting. I left out your assessment because your concept says it all and you targeted your market. The rewritten query is only a suggestion and hooked me to want to read the script. Wishing you great results with your marketing.

Best, Rebecca

Dear (producer name),

Imagine if Eliza Doolittle was a mafia princess, dodging bullets and betrayal while trying to become a sophisticated lady.

I am excited to introduce you to my RomCom/Thriller screenplay, Lady Wiseguy. This unique story blends the charm of Pygmalion with the grit of Goodfellas, and a touch of Thelma and Louise.

Lady Wiseguy follows the journey of Liza, a determined mafia princess who dreams of breaking free from her criminal family to become an actor and a refined woman. Liza's path is anything but smooth. She faces the death of her father, her brother’s incarceration, betrayal by her best friend, an attempted rape, and a hit ordered on her life by a rival family member. Amidst this chaos, she also grapples with unrequited love. Despite these challenges, Liza's relentless spirit leads her towards an opportunity to achieve her dreams.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

William Whelan
Contact information

• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi David,

Interesting concept but needed tweaking for a smoother read. Query letters don’t usually contain cast suggestions. The following edit is just a suggestion to make your short, curiosity arousing query even more interesting. Wishing you all the best with your marketing.
Rebecca

Dear (Producer Name),

"Your friggin shark ate my mom, sis, and almost got granny!"

SHARK STANK is an action sitcom, blending elements of FALLOUT and JAWS. It follows a clumsy but well-meaning protagonist who battles a vengeful tough guy, his dangerous drug-enhanced shark, and even Satan on a sinking mega-yacht. The hero's mission is to save her attractive and often scantily-clad teenage friends from being devoured.
BIO: Watching JAWS 22 times helped me outsmart a shark that chased me down the shoreline for a mile, hoping I’d be its Happy Meal.

Best,
Name
Contact info

• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle. Reason: Lost spacing from what I pasted in the posted view

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Carmen,

I’m glad you made it this far. Please email me at the address at the beginning of my outline and let me know where to mail your feedback.

Looks like we are the two lone finishers.

Best,

Rebecca

[Rebecca Sukle]

Valeria,

I am grateful for your helpful insight on my pitch’s.

Thank you,

Rebecca

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Tom,

I have and Action/Drama I’d like to exchange.

Concept: A World War 1 Citation Star veteran, done with war, conflict, and killing, must learn to control his anger to execute, without detection, the rabid police commander who violently dominates their community and plans to massacre mine families working a picket line.

[Rebecca Sukle]

We made it through the storm without any damage. We are the lucky ones. So many have lost everything due to massive flooding.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Robert,

Would you exchange feedback with me. Concept: To prevent coal and iron police from massacring men, women, and children working a picket line, a WWI Silver Star recipient must, without detection, execute the rabid commander who violently dominates their community.

Thank you,

Rebecca Sukle

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Joseph,

I would like to exchange feedback with you. Mine is an action/drama Ragman’s War.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Claudia,

I would like to exchange feedback.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Kevin,

Good to see you in this group.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Patty,

I too loved the mountains and lived with mountain views for most of my life. We moved to central Florida a year ago. In my early years I worked as a medical technologist and clinical chemist in Ohio. After we moved to Pittsburgh area I got to meet and know Dr. Cyril Wecht when he substituted for our pathologist, a most intetesting man. I bet you came across some good stories in your work.

Nice to meet you.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Joan,

You have a unique concept with in the exploitive mortgage company and foreclosures. The outline contains a lot of potential for dramatic scenes. You must decide if you are aiming for drama or action. If you want action you might to start with your log-line to give a stronger motivation for fallowing action.

Consider: A man, victimized by a unscrupulous mortgage lender and rendered homeless, takes action when the lender scams his grandmother threatening to take all she owns. His investigation stirs up a hornet’s nest and puts his life in danger, when he learns the scope of the scam, fraudulent foreclosures, and the death of a former neighbor.

You might want to use the class skill mastery sheet as you evaluate your outline. It helped me to elevate my first draft to the version 2 that I posted. With only a few changes and additions you can turn it into an exciting action thriller.

Best,

Rebecca

[Rebecca Sukle]

Thank you. I enjoyed reading yours too.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Matthew, I would like to exchange feedback with you.

Awesome work that fit most of the boxes. Your unique setting drew me in, as did Jacob’s wound, his remorse, and decision to change. I liked the Buddhist monk aspect to control his ptsd. The pace of escalating action just right to draw in the viewer. I see you used the concept of in the moment when Jacob became the wrench in the cog for Nestor’s master plan. You added irony when you gave the evil Nestor a fitting ending.

I only have one suggestion that could make Jacob’s killing of the child’s murderer and his helpers to up his visceral reaction. Let the child be a little boy the same age as Jacob’s son and create a unique bond between them. The boy is fascinated by the American and fills the void of Jacob being separated. Jacob loves the boy like his own child. This ups the stakes and provides emotional pain when the boy is killed. It is gut wrenching, like losing his own son. Just a thought.

I enjoyed reading your submission. Keep writing at this level so I can see this as a movie.

Best,

Rebecca

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Rebecca Sukle.

[Rebecca Sukle]

<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

What a fun and engaging read. I loved the clever dialog, and exotic location. Found most of the interest elements in the scene, mystery, intrigue, etc.. I loved the reveal at the end but it didn’t work as a cliff hanger to draw me into the next scene. Carly’s evasion when cornered could have been stronger. Adding more of the Marcus apologetic trait would have made him more likable. Overall, you did a great job with this challenging assignment. Wishing you all the best with your screenwriting career.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Thank you, Don, for your helpful feedback. I concur that I need less exposition. I plan to do one more rewrite using your suggestions just for the practice. I wrote the scene to be part of a larger work because a cliff hanger was required to draw viewers into the next scene. I like how you managed to tell a complete story in one scene, one location. I found this assignment to be the most challenging as we needed to fit all of the skill set into one scene. It proved hard for me to to that and keep it short. Best of luck and success with your future screenwriting endeavors.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Don,

What a fun read, a short story in one scene. Good job there. I enjoyed reading it. You might want to go through it again with Skill Sheet in hand to improve it even more. Structural elements present: Suspense ( will they pull off the ruse), Major Twist (check made out to different couple), Surprise and Irony (the name is similar to a name Marcus mocks), Mislead/ reveal (pretend to be winners, admit they are not the couple), Hope and Fear ( Will Carly go along with ruse for 5 million), Dilemma ( be honest or lie). Missing elements: intrigue, mystery, cliffhanger. Character missing elements: changes radically, betrayal. Dialog needs hook, predictions, creating a future, anticipatory dialog. Demand, cover up, and reveal all present. Digging deeper into character relationships, into their core conflict, can elevate the scene. Character traits: I missed Carly being evasive and polite. Using her subtext would have added to the scene as to what she is hiding. Marcus appeared overly apologetic without sincerity and did not seem strategic or commanding, his subtext harder to nail down. Was he setting Carly up to lose or himself? Despite deviating from the parameters given for the scene, you created one that entertained and kept me engaged to the end. Perhaps, fewer skill sheet elements, worked better for this lighthearted piece.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Janeen,

Impressive read. I really liked how you framed it, a privileged 12 year old and his less privileged nanny. You got in most of their character traits except for Phillip being guilt ridden. I also enjoyed the twist at the end.

Keeping this scene in the store after the jewelry had been returned and police arrive would be a small but improved setting than at the police station. Having Brandy and Phillip face to face during questioning, can ratchet up the tension, conflict, and hope and fear. Good conclusion twist at the end of your scene, but a cliff hanger will draw the reader or viewer into the next one. Another opportunity to increase conflict, hope and fear would be showing Phillip more resistant ( through dialog and action) about to returning to the store to either return the jewelry or pay for it. This would be humiliating for a privileged 12 year old boy and provide motivation for him getting even with Brandy. I see so many opportunities for you to add all of the Skill Mastery Sheet interest items to this scene. You will be surprised at how good writing like yours can be transformed into spectacular. Give it a try.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Insightful feedback, Don. Thank you.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Don,

I enjoyed reading this with the all the twists and turns.

STRUCTUAL : Nice surprise ending in this piece, one that would work even better with a cliffhanger. You start with a mystery, the stash, creating questions of how Phillip got it, or did Brandy provide it? How did the police know it was in their apartment? Good job with that.

I also enjoyed the double twists. Something unseen until revealed at the end, the police target being a political friend of Brandy’s father and Phillips role to gather the information. We see the demand for a reveal when the officer gave Brandy money for betraying Phillip in the set up. You might consider going through this again to add more suspense, uncertainty (hope and fear), and a dilemma for either Brandy or Phillip where the character could lose something no matter which choice they take.

CHARACTER: Good work with showing the double betrayal, and character change. Adding a dilemma, uncomfortable moment, misinterpretation can ratchet up the scene.

DIALOG: The dialog showed Brandy being entitled (high IQ, rich father) rather than a needy status seeker. Phillip appeared the wanting one. I missed rapport between Phillip and Brandy as she came off nonchalant to his advances. The dialog could show more conflict or competition.

The scene has good bones with twists and surprises. Using the Skill Mastery Sheet and going though each line of dialog will show you the places that need a bit more interest. You can do this.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Carol,

Good use of dialog and action to get in the traits. I also liked the pacing. You have a great opportunity here to add more subtext between Maxine and Renee. Maxine showed her distaste for Renee but not the connection between the two that would cause Maxine’s wound. Perhaps they were friends but Renee took advantage and started untrue gossip about Maxine to cover up her own misdeeds. Some of Father Horace’s dialog might have worked better coming from Maxine in her verbal exchange with Renee and through facial expressions and other body language. Adding a few more interest techniques could also up the drama and lead us eagerly into the next scene. An few things to ponder for an even greater rewrite.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Monica,

Interesting, edgy, and fun read that kept me reading. You got in the subtext, scene arc, and most of the traits. I think rather than change conformist to revolutionary, you should have considered unconventional. That is the trait I saw expressed. I also missed Maxine’s wound that would influence her snobbishness and paranoia. A couple of more maximum interest techniques would make it more intriguing. I thought the ending a bit abrupt without a real twist or cliffhanger. You might of considered Renee returning to the table and finding Maxine and Roderick gone. That tricky Maxine! Where did they go, to Roderick’a apartment or office? Anyway, a good engaging scene.

[Rebecca Sukle]

My improved scene is under lesson 19.

[Rebecca Sukle]

I really enjoyed this scene. You added action between dialog that revealed traits, got in the scene arc, and used most if not all of the maximum interest traits. You might consider using a cliff hanger to take us to the next scene rather than having Maxine cry on the curb. Perhaps a lesson for Jerry or she fibs and yells as Renee drives away, I’m pregnant. Great job with this scene, it held my interest all the way to the end.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Monica,

Great work, creative, interesting. I like how you balanced dialog with action. You showed a number of traits of both characters not only through dialog but action (body language, movement, expression) and managed to use many maximum interest techniques. You also managed to abide by the scene arc. You might add a little more subtext to elevate even more and remember to do all caps on dialog names consistently throughout the scene. I love how you used your imagination.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi James,

Wow, great job with this. I love the balance of dialog and action and how you expressed the traits and maximum interest techniques through both. I especially like the clever twist at the end. You used most of the traits and many of the maximum interest techniques. I think using more of the scene arc will take this to an even higher level. SCENE ARC: From: being forced together to: making a total mess out of the situation. Impressive work!

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Sandra,

Interesting scene. You managed to get in a lot of the traits through dialog. You might try to break up the dialog by showing the traits in description using body language, nervous tics, facial expressions, tone of voice, and body movements to name a few. I missed the Arc of the scene, SCENE ARC: From: being forced together to: making a total mess out of the situation. This is where you can add Maximum interest techniques and layer in more sub text. Keep up the good work.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Don,

Great job getting in the traits and subtext through dialog. I would like to see more of the traits as action in scene descriptions. Showing the traits through facial expressions, body language, annoying habits, can add a lot more interest to the scene. I was impressed by how you used the subtext in the plot through dialog. What I didn’t see was Maximum Interest through the scene arc.“SCENE ARC: From: being forced together to: making a total mess out of the situation.

Another suggestion would be moving the beginning dialog ets and condensing it into the scene description and starting the dialog with the conversation between Nancy and Squire to get us to the essence of the scene right from the start. Remembering the scene arc and adding maximum interest techniques can turn this scene to stellar.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Where did you find the link to the video?

[Rebecca Sukle]

I appreciate your thoughtful feedback.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Don, I appreciate your feedback which agreed with hopes about Nicks giving not being clear as well as Big John’s loyalty to his bosses and being a loner. I have already brainstormed the changes needed but just need to write them sometime today. Thank you.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Hope, Thank you for your insightful feedback. I have brain stormed places to put in the missing character traits and can’t wait to write them out sometime today. Hopefully the changes will provide more clarity to what I intended. With gratitude, Rebecca.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Great job with this. I like that you put the scene in the back room and following the log line. Lots of maximum interest techniques like uncertainty, suspense, twist, and especially the surprise ending. Showing more of the character traits through action rather than dialog will notch this up even more.

[Rebecca Sukle]

Hi Doug,

Great setting and back and forth banter between characters. You did a great job showing Robert’s gregarious trait, secretiveness, and low self esteem. I missed the smooth part. Great job with capturing Trent. For improvement you might add a few more maximum interest techniques like hope and fear. I got confused by Trent being upset about the spilling of beer on his “beer soaked” boots rather than new polished boots. The quick change of scene to the kitchenette and then later to the barrack’s room ruined the flow for me. You might try Robert grabbing the paper towels from the bar and moving in close to Bodie for the conversation as Trent watch’s from afar to worry abut what Robert might be up to. For more suspense, Trent could then work the room exchanging money in handshakes. To stay in the scene and log line, have Dudley lure him into the kitchenette for a chugging contest, then hold him down for a shave. Keep the ideas flowing.

[Rebecca Sukle]

I’m impressed by your creativity as to place and characters. I fun banter between the characters highlighted the differences between hippos and beavers while revealing subtext. The one thing missing (I now see I’m guilty of the same thing) is Robert’s gregariousness, social butterfly, hail fellow well met. Adding the trait in action rather than revealed in dialog might add even more fun to your script.