Richard Senne
Forum Replies Created
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Richard Senne’s Query Letter Draft 2
What I learned: I’m learning a lot. What I learned most is I need to catch the attention of my target audience, who will immediately say, Action. And so I decided to keep the “I am going to kill them all.” line. When reading in the story it will not seem out of line at all, almost expected. So it stays.
Black Widow meets Cape Fear
Hi, _____,
Title: PRECISE STRIKE
Genre: Action/Thriller
“I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all.”
How did Jessica survive the deadly bio-weapon attack that killed her team? No one knows, and she is discharged from the military, as unfit to perform. She hunts for the terrorists. But her her focus is disrupted when she begins to work for her old college boyfriend. Her doctors, who she doesn’t know are the terrorists, conspire against her and give her drugs to make her paranoid.
Jessica viciously beats a co-worker she believes is a terrorist. But she has the wrong guy.
Her doctor manipulates her and she goes to the mountains for rest. She discovers one of her doctors is the psychopath terrorist experimenting on her. They have a secret base to launch a bio-weapon drone on Washington. Before she can tell anyone they take her captive.
Can Jessica escape and stop the attack before thousands die?
If you like the concept of PRECISE STRIKE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
RIchard Senne
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This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Richard Senne.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by
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This should have been a reply to Nick. I a fixing that now.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Richard Senne.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by
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Richard Senne’s Query Letter Draft 1
What I learned doing this assignment is… There is so much that goes into the query letter, it’s hard to feel it’s completed correctly. And what does go in the subject line of an email?
Hi, _____,
I have PRECISE STRIKE, which is Black Widow meets Cape Fear.
Title: PRECISE STRIKE
Genre: Action/Thriller
I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all.
Jessica is the sole survivor of a bio-weapon attack, but gets kicked out of the military. She hunts for the terrorists. Her resolve wavers when she meets her boyfriend from college and begins to work with him. Her doctors, who she doesn’t know are the terrorists, conspire against her and give her drugs to make her paranoid.
Jessica viciously beats a co-worker she believes is a terrorist. But she has the wrong guy.
Her doctor manipulates her and she goes to the mountains for rest. She discovers one of her doctors is a psychopath determined to experiment on her. They have a secret base to launch a bio-weapon drone on Washington. Before she can tell anyone they take her captive.
Can Jessica escape and stop the attack before thousands die?
If you like the concept of PRECISE STRIKE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
RIchard Senne
BIO: Richard is a judge in Tipsy Hiccup Production screenplay contest for the third year. He is a graduate of ScreenwritingU’s Master Screenwriter Certificate Program. Precise Strike was a Semifinalist in PAGE Awards contest and has placed in other contests.
Phone: 330-442-3413
Email: richardsenne2@gmail.com
Richard Senne
840 Hallock Young Rd
Warren, Ohio 44481
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Richard Senne’s Target Market
Title: Precise Strike
Genre: Action/Thriller
Logline: After a deadly bio-weapon attack the sole survivor must evade a psychopath, who needs her blood, before destroying Washington DC.
What I learned doing this assignment is… it takes some time, but there are a whole lot of producers to go to. Many don’t have emails, but that’s ok. Some surprises and I see some recurring names, because they are busy making movies – I want those.
List of movies:
Tomb Raider
Salt
Lucy
Black Widow
Peppermint
50 – 100 producers:
Tomb Raider (2018):
Noah Hughes – Executive Producer
Graham King – Producer
Patrick McCormick – Executive Producer
Denis O’Sullivan – Executive Producer
Alica Vikander – Lara Croft
Alica Vidander – Beckett (2021):
Marco Colombo – Executive Producer
Giovanni Corrado – Executive Producer
Salt (2010):
William M. Connor – Associate Producer
Ryan Kavanaugh – Executive Producer
Ric Kidney – Executive Producer
Mark Vahradian – Executive Producer
David Ready – Production Executive
Angelina Jolie – Evelyn Salt
Liev Schreiber – Ted Winter
Angelina Jolie – Eternals (2021):
Victoria Alonso – Executive Producer
Mitchell Bell (Mitch Bell) – Co-Producer
Kevin da la Noy – Executive Producer
Louis D’Esposito – Executive Producer
Kevin Feige – Producer
Nate Moore – Producer
Laun Cano Nono – Producer
Andreas Wentz – Producer
Liev Schreiber – The 5<sup>th</sup> Wave (2016):
Lynn Harris – Producer
Graham King – Producer
Tobey Maguire – Producer
Patrick McIntire – Consulting Producer
Richard Middleton – Executive Producer
Denis O’Sullivan – Executie Producer
Matthew Plouffe – Producer
Ben Waisbren – Executive Producer
Liev Schreiber – Creed (2015):
Robert Chartoff – Producer
William Chartoff – Producer
Sylvester Stallone – Producer
Nicolas Stern – Executive Producer
Kevin King Templeton – Producer
Charles Winkler – Producer
David Winkler – Producer
Irwin Winkler – Producer
Lucy (2014):
Virginie Besson-Silla – Producer
Marc Shmuger – Executive Producer
Black Widow (2014):
Victoria Alonso – Executive Producer
Mitchell Bell (Mitch) – Co-Producer
Brian Chapek – Co-Producer
Louis D’Esposito – Executive Producer
Jamie Christopher – Associate Producer
Kevin Feige – Producer
Nigel Gostelow – Executive Producer
Scarlett Johansson – Executive Producer
Brad Winderbaum – Executive Producer
Peppermint (2018):
Felice Bee – Executive Producer
Adam Folgelson – Executive Producer
David Kern – Executive Producer
Gary Lucchesi – Producer
James McQuaider – Executive Producer
Eric Reid – Producer
Tom Rosenberg – Producer
Jackie Shenoo – Co-Producer
Robert Simonds – Executive Producer
Renee Tab – Executive Producer
Donald Tang – Executive Producer
Christopher Tuffin – Executive Producer
Zongjun Wang – Executive Producer
Zhonglei Wang – Executive Producer
Richard S. Wright (Richard Wright) – Producer
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Richard Senne’s Phone Pitch
What I learned from this lesson is… having a quick no frills pitch to get in the door is important. The high concept and great title are what appears to be the best approach to me.
Tell us which of the four strategies you are going to use to open your pitch:
I will lead with a Great Title and High Concept.
Give us your script for phone call pitches, like I did above.
Hi, my name is Richard Senne, and I have Precise Strike, which is Cape Fear meets Black Widow.
Or
Hi, my name is Richard Senne, and I have Precise Strike; After a deadly bio-weapon attack the sole survivor must evade a psychopath, who needs her blood, before destroying Washington DC.
What’s the budget range?
This movie should be a low budget, in the $1-5 million range.
Who do you see in the main roles?
I see someone like Isabella Merced, an up and coming actress, and Anne Hathaway as the complex sisters in this.
How many pages is the script?
This script is 108 pages long.
Who else has seen this?
This script was a semi-finalist in PAGE Awards contest. I am currently shopping it.
Why do you think this fits our company?
You have produced successful projects in a similar vein. That’s the kind of producer I’m looking for.
How does the movie end?
Jessica breaks free of captivity when everyone is distracted by the launch of the bio-weapon drone. She has to fight the psychopath while she navigates her drone to stop the attack.
Her drone drags the bio-weapon back and crashes it into the camp to kill the terrorists.
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Richard Senne’s Pitch Fest Pitch
What I learned is<font face=”Helvetica”>… It slowly comes together and makes more sense all the time. I just have to focus on being on point and not kill the project with fluff.</font>
1. Tell us your credibility.
I was a quarter finalist in PAGE Awards.
2. Tell us your genre and title.
Action: Precise Strike
3. What is your one or two sentence hook?
How would an ex-soldier react to being stalked by a violent international terrorist for her blood?
4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:
· What is the budget range?
This movie would fit the $3-5 million dollar budget range.
· What actors do you like for the lead roles?
Isabela Merced as Jessica Cross. Anne Hathaway as Samantha.
· Give me the acts of the story.
Act one: The failed mission where Jessica is the sole survivor, and Jessica is kicked out of the military. She meets Owen and gets a job and begins to hunt down the terrorists.
Act two: Jessica is being treated by her doctors who are giving her medicine to make her paranoid. The doctors continue to do tests on Jessica’s blood. She beats up a co-worker and has to leave her job.
Act three: Jessica goes to the mountains to rest and discovers the terrorists have a base in the mountains. She escapes captivity and uses a drone to crash the bio-weapon onto the terrorists and kill them.
· How does it end? (setup / payoff).
Jessica is captured and tortured by the terrorists. She escapes when they launch a bio-weapon drone for Washington DC. She uses her drone to attach onto the terrorist drone and drag it back to crash it into the terrorists and kill them.
· Credibility questions What have you done?
Placed as a semi-finalist in PAGE Awards.
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Richard Senne’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is… it’s important to not overstate things. Go straight in and hook them. Get them asking questions and they will want the script. Every line should be a hook.
I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all.
Jessica is the sole survivor of a bio-weapon attack, but gets kicked out of the military.
Determined to take revenge, she hunts for the terrorists. Her resolve wavers when she meets her boyfriend from college and begins to work with him. Her doctors, who are the terrorists, conspire against her and give her drugs to make her paranoid.
Jessica viciously beats a co-worker she believes is a terrorist. But she has the wrong guy.
Her doctor manipulates her and she goes to the mountains for rest. She discovers one of her doctors is the psychopath determined to experiment on her. They have a secret base to launch a bio-weapon drone on Washington. Before she can tell anyone they take her captive.
Can Jessica escape and stop the attack before thousands die?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: Besides placing in PAGE screenwriting contest Precise Strike has placed well in other contests.
Richard Senne
840 Hallock Young Rd
Warren, Ohio 44481
Phone: 330-442-3413
Email: richardsenne2@gmail.com
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Richard Senne’s Synopsis Hooks
What I learned doing this assignment is… by using the hooks to really tell the story you have a compact, yet thrilling synopsis. This really helps a lot.
Organize your hooks into a sequence that makes sense for the story:
Her team is killed by a bio-weapon, leaving her as the sole survivor.
Jessica survives the lethal attack and gets discharged from the military.
Jessica meets up with Owen, her old college boyfriend, who owns a drone company and gives her a job.
The military advisor, Ardashir, is exposed as a psychopathic terrorist.
Jessica uses the harpoon mechanism to stop Ardashir’s drone attack on Washington DC.
Jessica doesn’t crash the drone after harpooning it, but brings it back to crash and kill Ardashir and the terrorists.
Synopsis:
I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all.
Jessica is the sole survivor of a bio-weapon attack, but gets kicked out of the military.
Determined to take revenge, she hunts for the terrorists. Her resolve wavers when she meets her boyfriend from college and begins to work with him. Her doctors, who are the terrorists, conspire against her and give her drugs to make her paranoid.
Jessica viciously beats a co-worker she believes is a terrorist. But she has the wrong guy.
Her doctor manipulates her and she goes to the mountains for rest. She discovers one of her doctors is a psychopath determined to experiment on her. They have a secret base to launch a bio-weapon drone on Washington. Before she can tell anyone they take her captive.
Can Jessica escape and stop the attack before thousands die?
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Richard Senne’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learned doing this assignment is… hooks are important and the hooks are there. It will be easier to find the best way to pitch when you distill everything down to a bullet point. Pitching requires you to spend little time and get the most interest possible. I have to do that by getting to the hook that works best.
1. To find your main hook, tell us what the big picture explanation of your lead character’s journey is.
Jessica learns to live as a civilian while being stalked by a violent international terrorist?
2, How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible?
· Main Conflict
We’ve all heard of women getting stalked, but what happens if the stalker is a psychopathic terrorist?
· Goal/Unique Opposition
How would a super soldier react to being stalked by a violent international terrorist?
2. Using the 10 Components of Marketability, what is your Elevator Pitch?
I’m finishing up a story that answers the question, how would a super soldier react to being stalked by a violent international terrorist?
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RIchard Senne’s 10 Most Interesting Things
What I learned doing this assignment is…By distilling the story I am focusing on story points instead of details. I find that these points are hooks to tell the story in a better fashion.
1. Go through your project and see which of these specific hooks you have:
· A. What is most unique about your villain and hero?
Jessica puts herself in dangerous situations in a calculated way in order to save others.
Dr Ardashir is driven by betrayal to seek revenge
· B. Major hook of your opening scene?
Jessica attaches explosives to drones and kills her enemies
· C. Any turning points?
Jessica survives the lethal bio-weapon attack and gets discharged from the military.
Jessica meets up with Owen, her old collage boyfriend, who owns a drone company and gives her a job.
The military advisor, Dr Ardashir, is exposed as a psychopathic terrorist.
· D. Emotional dilemma?
Should Jessica refuse to take time off and rest or should she go to the mountains with her sisters to recover?
· E. Major twists?
it’s discovered that Jessica had her DNA altered in experiments as a child.
Dr Ardashir gets Dr Kamar to take Jessica to the mountains to rest. Dr Ardashir is planning to capture Jessica and use her blood to cure her son from the bio-weapon.
· F. Reversals?
Jessica doesn’t crash the drone after the harpooning, but she brings it back to crash and kill Dr Ardashir.
· G. Character betrayals?
Kamar betrays Jessica to save his family from death.
Ardashir betrays Kamar and kills him.
· H. Or any big surprises?
Jessica uses the harpoon mechanism to stop Ardashir’s drone attack on Washington DC.
2. Make a list of any other things in your script that could interest a producer.
Jessica is a special ops soldier. Her team is killed by a bio-weapon, leaving her the sole survivor.
She is discharged from the military, so Jessica must navigate through becoming a civilian.
Jessica takes medication that Kamar gave her to get her sick.
She goes to the mountains to rest and finds out Ardashir has a hidden base.
After being captured she frees herself and kills terrorists to get to Ardashir.
3. Organize both and select the 10 most interesting things. Post those to the forums.
Jessica attaches explosives to drones and kills her enemies.
Her team is killed by a bio-weapon, leaving her as the sole survivor.
Jessica survives the lethal bio-weapon attack and gets discharged from the military.
Jessica meets up with Owen, her old collage boyfriend, who owns a drone company and gives her a job.
The military advisor, Ardashir, is exposed as a psychopathic terrorist.
it’s discovered that Jessica had her DNA altered in experiments as a child.
Ardashir gets Kamar to take Jessica to the mountains to rest. Ardashir is planning to capture Jessica and use her blood to cure her son from the bio-weapon.
Kamar betrays Jessica to save his family from death.
Ardashir betrays Kamar and kills him.
Jessica uses the harpoon mechanism to stop Ardashir’s drone attack on Washington DC.
Jessica doesn’t crash the drone after the harpooning, but she brings it back to crash and kill Ardashir.
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Richard Senne Producer/Manager
What I learned today is… producers need a writer with a marketable script that will work to get the project made. A manager needs a writer who is able to work with projects as a finished package that is willing to work with others.
I will present myself to a producer as someone who has a marketable script that is well written. I will research each producer and make sure I have a script that fits their specific target audience. I will have marketing material available that makes it easy to actors, directors, funding, and make it appeal to distributors. I will be flexible on doing whatever it takes to get the project made. I am able to do that again and again.
I will present myself to a manager as someone who has marketable, well written scripts. I am able to write more scripts that are as good. I will be professional and work with others well. I listen and collaborate to make myself marketable. I am always interested in working on paid writing assignments.
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Richard Senne’s Marketable Components
What I learned doing this assignment is… by focusing on marketable components I have a more specific and compelling pitch that highlights the key features necessary to capture the attention of producers and actors.
1. Tell us your current logline. After a deadly bio-weapon attack the sole survivor, a brilliant drone expert, must survive being hunted by a psychopath who needs her blood.
2. Look through the 10 Components of Marketability and pick one or two that have the most potential for selling this script.
I picked B. Great title and J. A great role for a bankable actor.
The story deals with precise and calculated actions, The name has a memorable quality to it. It helps to intrigue potential producers, and viewers, and draw them in because it suggests action.
The Female lead has a wide range of emotions to act through. Actors want the challenge and opportunity to show their craft.
Do a quick brainstorm session about ways to elevate those two components for this script and tell us how you might pitch the script through the two components.
B. Title:
The title has a punchy quality that makes it memorable to audiences of action films. It’s the kind of title that sticks in your mind as high energy, and communicates a thrilling experience.
J. Bankable Actor:
This female character has a rich emotional arc, requiring emotions ranging from strength and determination, to vulnerability and despair. It will challenge her acting abilities and showcase her versatility and talent.
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Richard Senne Project: PRECISE STRIKE Market: Producers
Genre: Action Title: PRECISE STRIKE Concept: What would happen if a deadly gas attack had no effect on the genetically altered survivor, who was then hunted for their blood?
Precise Strike is a fast paced action story with a trusting, yet lethal protagonist, who overcomes overwhelming odds with her sisters.
I will target producers first, mainly because I never thought about actor’s production companies. – I picked producers because I want to establish some credit by selling, and making a movie before approaching a manager.
What I learned today is… there is a huge difference between concept and logline, and that difference bleeds over into the “book report” of the pitch.
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Joan, I always copy and paste with no problem.
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Richard Senne
I agree to the terms of this release form
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class
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Hello everyone. I am Richard Senne
I’ve written 9 scripts. I’ve written 4 quality ones since learning you write to market as well as telling a good story.
I am in this class to get more comfortable with marketing. I am looking forward to “I am really happy marketing my script.” Which is amazing to me, because I enjoy talking and discussing with people, so why don’t I feel they are my peers? When I cross that hurdle it’s clear sailing.
There are a few quirky, special things about me, it’s deciding if I can let others in on them lol. I started playing music professionally at 13. I retired from touring when I was 29, and I have retired from most playing now. I enjoy running the sound board currently. Last year I was a quarter finalist in Page. I currently have a script with Believe Entertainment. We are discussing if they move forward with it. I am hopeful they give me a writing assignment as well, we have discussed that. Three weeks ago Tony asked me to write another script and send it in. The outline is completed and I’m currently 12 pages into the writing of the first draft. I have been a judge in a screenwriting competition, this is my third year, at Tipsy Hiccup Productions. You should all enter the competition, it’s half price for ScreenwritingU Alumni.
I look forward to seeing what everyone gets out of this class and interacting with you all.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Richard Senne.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by
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Richard Senne
I agree to the terms of this release form
3. GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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I totally agree
1. Richard Senne
2. “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.
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Nick,
There is perhaps more to be done from your perspective. From mine it looks so good. I think you’ve got this. It’s clear, except for one question for my curiosity, does he emigrate to America or stay in Ireland? I would say you nailed it.
I’ll get to mine, but things are a bit haywire here atm.
Richard Senne
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Thank you, Nick. There is a lot to chew on here. I like your query letter, although that’s not the story that was written lol.
There is so much not discussed, it’s so hard to do this correctly. She is the sole survivor because she was a test subject as a child and she was altered. It’s an attack squad, not a battalion, of which some were attacking in a different area. She survived and the military discharges her on a medical discharge. She is a lifer and does not in any way want this. She’s a drone engineer, and her boyfriend owns a drone company. Her doctors are testing her blood and medicating her as they test her blood. The psychopath has a son dying from the bio-weapon and needs to find what is altered in her blood to save her son. She does not kill her co-worker, because that’s a whole other can of crap she would be in prison for life, yikes. I’ll skip all the other stuff and just say this, in the end she crashes the bio-weapon drone into the camp to kill the terrorists because she knows she will survive. There’s a whole lot more, but you know, it’s a whole story.
I do have a lot to go through in what you clarify and question. I really appreciate your time.
Peace be with you,
Richard Senne
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Hello Nick,
You offered a hook that drew me in. I wanted to see where this went. I am a little confused on a couple points.
In the roots part, is there a lot of drinking and general mischief? (You know the Irish have the drinking myth). And does Michael murder someone and then find a dead priest on the road, or he didn’t actually murder someone and just found a dead priest and he stole the identity?
Your query letter flows well. It ends with a great hook. In the very end I would drop ‘be’ and just say ‘or both?’ I like it. I’d like to read it some day.
Enter our contest and win, maybe we can make the series together. That would be cool.
Best of luck on this project.
Richard Senne
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Hi Jenna,
I’m replying to your pitch. You do have a hook in the opening, although maybe you could find something a little more grabby. Save the school dance doesn’t have a huge stake. Maybe there is a way to say this that makes us think something horrible might happen. The word disaster comes to mind. It is a good hook though so no worries if it stays as is.
You might want to tighten up the line about rights. I think you can say something like, Comedy, based on a best selling book I have rights to. All the details can come later.
I think you should switch the “Would you..” line and the “Sixteen Candles..” lines
I personally would drop the Hooray part, but if you like it go with it.
Can you create an interesting character in this opening? Use words like, driven, as in; Bich Nguyen is now driven to fit in by possessing every junk food, fashion, and music of every popular high school student. Now you can just flow into the paragraph with “But” as in; But Bich’s classmates…
You can reduce this paragraph by taking out unneeded details. I don’t know the story, but masterminding Asian heritage at school doesn’t hit me like the opening sentence ‘introduce’ because she’s already involved at school. And it doesn’t seem like story structure detail. Her dad’s party feels key.
Things are flowing well. And your hook is fine until in the next paragraph, where you combine into one sentence ‘the truth.. family’s escape’ and ‘fire in the cafeteria’. Those are two separate things and should be handled as such it would seem. Make the fire a separate item that causes the dilemma.
Your last hook is confusing to me. How is the mom being left behind related directly to the dance a her dad’s Asian party? I don’t have an answer for that.
Maybe you can just hook with something about her freak flag flying, I don’t know. But as is, I don’t have the clarity for the hook to snag me enough to allow the confusion I have.
Maybe you could have the mom left behind in the paragraph before. But what does that have to do with the pitch? If it’s a detail that can be ignored in the pitch and handled when reading the script, go that route. Here’s what I have at this point. There is a dilemma where her dad wants her at his party, and she has a school dance. She goes to school, I imagine sneaks. There is a fire and she has to decide whether to have everyone go to her dad’s party or everyone go home.
And I’m assuming the answer is obvious, so maybe the ending hook could be something like this…
Will Bich crash her dad’s party with the high school, and will she “Make Asia Great Again?” Or something like that that fits your vision. I’m just trying to clarify.
I like your bio btw.
With much care for your success,
Richard Senne