Rob Bertrand
Forum Replies Created
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Rob Bertrand’s Marketing Campaign
What I learned: I learned the value of having a great marketing campaign and the importance of planning it thoroughly.
Campaign Statement: To connect with a manager in the horror/thriller niche and sell my first screenplay.
Main Strategies: Use industry screen coverage websites like WeScreenplay and hone my scripts until they are perfect. Upload to InkTip and The Blacklist. Send Query Letters to producers of motion pictures in the same category as my own. Send Query Letters to Managers.
Tactics: I plan to enter as many contests I can. Use the success of my DB Cooper Screenplay, which has won 5 awards over the last year, to springboard to bigger success.
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Rob’s Target Market
What I learned: I learned the differences between Mass Marketing and Targeting your screenplay.
Logline: Two grieving sisters become convinced their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be the ghost of their dead mother.
Genre: Thriller
Similar Movies
The Sixth Sense
– Kathleen Kennedy
– Frank Marshall
– Barry Mendel barrycmendel@gmail.comThe Intruder
– Roxanne Avent
– Mark Burg
– Brad Kaplan bradk@link-ent.com
– Jonathan Schwartz
– Deon TaylorHush
– Jason Blum
– Trevor MacyHousebound
– Luke Sharpe luke@semi-professional.comThe Boy
– Matt Berenson
– Roy Lee
– Gary Lucchesse
– Tom RosenbergFear
– Brian Grazer
– Ric Kidney
– Karen SnowActors to Play Lead Roles
Female Lead
Sophia Lillis
– Fred Burger – Gretel & Hansel
– Brian Kavanaugh-Jones – Gretel & Hansel
– Dan Lin – IT
– Barbara Muschietti – ITSadie Sink
– Peter Chernin – Fear Street Volume 2
– David Ready – Fear Street Volume 2
– Jenno Topping – Fear Street Volume 2
– Trevor Macy – Eli
– John Zaozirny – EliMcKenna Grace
– Michael Clear – Malignant
– James Wan – Malignant
– Peter Safran – Annabelle Comes Home
– Tom Ackerley – I, Tonya
– Margot Robbie – I, Tonya
– Steven Rogers – I, Tonya
– Brian Unkeless – I, TonyaMale Lead
Owen Teague
– Stephen Christie – The Empty Man
– Ross Richie – The Empty Man
– Michel Merkt – Inherit the Viper
– Benito Mueller – Inherit the ViperJaeden Martell
– Aliza James – The Lodge
– Simon Oakes – The Lodge
– Aaron Rider – The LodgeDylan Minnette
– Paul Neinstein – Scream
– William Sherak – Scream
– James Vanderbilt – Scream
– Fede Alvarez – Don’t Breathe
– Sam Raimi – Don’t Breathe
– Rob Tapert – Don’t Breathe -
Rob’s Project and Market
What I learned: I learned out to put myself in the mind of a studio exec and how to pitch to their specific needs and wants.
Logline: Two grieving sisters become convinced their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be the ghost of their dead mother. (Thriller-Horror)
What I like most: I love the exploration of deeper themes surrounding love, loss and being true to oneself.
Who Will I Target: I am currently sitting on four marketable screenplays, so I would like to target a manager that’s niche is in the horror/thriller market.
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Rob Bertrand Ready for Critique
Synopsis: After the death of her mother, Annie Andrews has fallen into a deep depression. In order to stay in online school, she agrees to go on a date with a boy she met online. After rejecting that boy, in favor of the mysterious new girl in town, Annie begins to experience paranormal activity around her house. Soon Annie and her sister Jessica become convinced that their house is haunted by the spirit of their late mother. As Annie’s relationship with her new girlfriend grows, so does the intensity of the paranormal activity. After sharing their first kiss, Annie’s girlfriend is attacked by an unseen presence and she’s hospitalized.
Annie’s father, Jack, believes his daughters are faking the paranormal activity for attention. His feelings are assured, when the police find evidence suggesting he’s right. Fed up, he grounds his daughters after a family argument gets personal. Worse, Annie’s girlfriend no longer wants to see her, considering the near-death experience she had with the ghost in Annie’s house. Isolated and unbelieved, Annie and her sister become determined to prove the paranormal to be true. But in the climax, we discover the house isn’t haunted by the ghost of Annie’s mom. The boy that Annie went on a date with has been living in her walls and after a psychotic break has taken on the persona of Annie’s mother. He wants Annie all to himself and has taken her father and girlfriend hostage. In the end, Annie has to make a choice. Who lives? Her father or girlfriend.
FIRST 10 PAGES
EXT. FIELD – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Magic hour sets over a picturesque landscape, punctuated by the rhythmic bass of modern hip-hop. Somewhere a wedding reception is in full swing.
Through a field of parked cars, weaves a teenage girl, pulling her younger sister by the hand.
Meet, ANNIE ANDREWS, 16, purposefully plain, unintentionally pretty. The type of girl that prefers a hoodie and beanie over the sun dress she’s in now. Careful! She wields sarcasm like a deadly weapon and right now, she’s pissed.
Trailing behind is JESSICA, 8, lover of all things horror and dedicated gamer. She may be shy in the real world, but online? She’ll eat your soul alive.
JESSICA
Mom and dad are fighting.ANNIE
No shit. Now, hurry your little ass up.The sisters cut through a row of cars and find their parents arguing beside their mom’s 69 VW Bug.
The guy who can barely stand is JACK ANDREWS. A hardworking, harder drinking, blue-collar conservative.
JACK
(slurred)
Gimme the fucking keys, Nora.NORA ANDREWS, late 30s. On a normal day, she’s an overworked mother, who bears the weight of her dysfunctional family on her shoulders. But tonight, that all ends.
NORA
(angry)
You said you had this under control!JACK
Give me…my fucking…keys!NORA
(whispers)
Get in the backseat, Jack or so help me God, I will leave you here. I will leave you and take the kids…Annie and Jessica approach quietly.
Jack goes to say something, but the look on Nora’s face stops him cold. He caves and crawls over the driver seat and plops himself into the back.
Nora slams the door in his face.
ANNIE
Mom, are you okay?NORA
Annie….I need you to…I need you to drive.CLOSE ON the car keys in Nora’s palm.
INT. NORA’S BUG – MOVING – LATER
A light rain falls as the wipers churn rhythmically.
Annie grips the steering wheel with the white-knuckle confidence of a student driver.
Nora stares out the passenger seat window, lost in thought.
NORA
Wasn’t that a beautiful wedding?Jack quietly stews in the backseat, as Jessica plays her Nintendo Switch, doing her best to ignore him.
ANNIE
Yeah, until Dad caused a scene–JACK
–Over a couple of homos? Shit, man…Jack stares daggers at Annie.
NORA
They looked so happy together…ANNIE
It’s twenty-twenty-two, dad. Gay people exist!Nora attempts to change the subject.
NORA
I think I’m going to take a hot bath when we get home–JACK
(angry)
–We should have won that fuckin’ anniversary dance!Annie rolls her eyes.
ANNIE
Give me a break, dad.JACK
(angry)
It’s fuckin’ bullshit! Marriage wasn’t even legal for them thirty-two years–ANNIE
(angry)
Dad! Stop!The rain is really coming down now. Nora reaches over and turns up the wipers. The rhythmic sound amping the tension.
JACK
Right! I forgot! Complain and get cancelled. The queers own this world now.Annie is hurt to the very core of her being.
ANNIE
You’re such a homophobic asshole!EXT. CROSSROAD – HIGHWAY – AERIAL – NIGHT
High above a four-way intersection, two vehicles approach the crossroad. A yellow light blinks its warning as the rain comes down in buckets.
INT. NORA’S BUG – MOVING – LATER
The wipers, now set to full blast, are no match for the torrential downpour.
NORA
Don’t listen to him. That’s the liquor talking. Love is love. No matter how you find it.JACK
Pssshhht.Annie’s face is a mask of terror. Headlights approach from the side road.
ANNIE
Mom! What do I do?NORA
You’ve got the right of way. They’ll yield to you.It’s hard to hear over the noise of the wipers. Annie is panicking.
ANNIE
I can’t see!JACK
Why can’t women wear miniskirts in San Francisco?The approaching truck is not slowing down, it’s speeding up!
ANNIE
Shut up!JACK
Because their balls would show!Jack erupts into a fit of laughter.
Nora looks back, anger burning in her eyes. The light of the approaching car illuminates her from behind. It’s close. Too close!
NORA
(angry)
Jack, please––It’s too late. Screeching tires and a blazing truck horn scream through the night. The truck barreling towards them.
The second before impact.
INT. CHURCH – FUNERAL – DAY
Rain patters against a beautiful stained-glass window, as a pipe organ plays Ava Maria.
In the front pew, sits Jack, Jessica and Annie. Jack looks a mess, with bloodshot eyes and unkempt hair.
Jessica can’t hold back the tears. She leans close to Annie, whose protective arm she clings to.
There’s no tears in Annie’s eyes. Only anger and rage.
All eyes are on them.
Annie looks over to her father. His hands shaking in his lap.
Her eyes shift back to the coffin. Only now, it’s been replaced by the smoking wreck of Nora’s VW Bug. Nora’s mutilated body is trapped. Her head nearly decapitated.
The light fades to black. Thunder CRACKS as lightning flashes, illuminating the silent audience behind them. Their faces decomposing flesh.
Nora’s dead eyes shoot open and when she opens her mouth to speak, it pours blood and gore. Her voice is hard as gravel.
NORA
Look at what you’ve done to me! Look at what you’ve done to my family!Nora throws her head back, as blood pumps out of her neck, showering Jack, Annie and Jessica in warm, red gore.
They scream.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
CLOSE ON Annie’s eyes as she’s startled awake, screaming from the nightmare.
SUPERIMPOSED: Seven months later.
She takes a moment to catch her breath, before rolling over to check her phone. Her eyes go wide.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – MORNING
Annie exits her bedroom and is greeted by the sounds of wedding music from her parents’ room.
ANNIE
Grandma?She heads off to investigate.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – DAY
The bedroom door cracks. Light peeks in revealing Annie.
ANNIE
Grandma?She enters the room, stepping over empty liquor bottles on the floor and throws open the drapes.
Sun cuts through the bedroom like a knife to reveal Jack, sound asleep, clutching Nora’s wedding dress to his body.
Annie is shocked to see him.
ANNIE
What the hell are you doing here?Jack groans and pulls the covers over his face.
JACK
I’m back.ANNIE
Where’s Grandma?JACK
She went home, I guess.Annie surveys the scene. Jack and Nora’s wedding video plays on a loop on a TV on the dresser. The wedding dress triggers her. She pulls it from his grasp.
ANNIE
What the hell are you doing?Jack sits up. Shakes the cobwebs from his mind. Stretches.
JACK
I like the smell.Annie wants to smell the dress, but can’t.
JACK
She looked so beautiful that day. Fuck, we were just kids…Annie looks at the wedding video on TV. Her mom, happier than we’ve ever seen. She clicks the TV off. Wads the dress up in a ball and throws it on the ground.
ANNIE
Well, she’s dead now….so?JACK
God damn it, Annie! That dress meant a lot to you your mother! It was her favorite thing…ANNIE
Get up, pops. I need a ride to school and I can’t be late!INT. HEAD OFFICE – HIGH SCHOOL – MORNING
The phone rings off the hook, as the Front Desk Aide fights with a group of unruly boys.
Amidst the chaos, sits Annie and Jack. Side by side, but they couldn’t be any farther apart. Both stare at a door marked: GUIDANCE COUNSELOR. Both want to be somewhere else.
Behind the door, the unmistakable sound of an argument.
JOCELYN (O.S.)
(angry)
Oh…sure! Side with the fascist!BECKY (O.S.)
Shall I call your dad? Is that what you want, Jocelyn!?The door BURSTS open to reveal JOCELYN WILCOX, 17. Professional new kid. Her pink hair, nose ring and punk t-shirt scream teenage rebel. Her current attitude: Fuck you.
For Annie, it’s love at first site.
BECKY
That’s it, young lady! I’m calling…JOCELYN
Do whatever the fuck you want, Becky. I’m outta here…Jocelyn catches Annie staring and winks as she slides on a pair of sunglasses. She storms off, as her Step-mom chases after her.
In the doorway, stands ROBIN WILKES, 50s, overworked and underpaid, Guidance Counselor extraordinaire. She wears years of experience on her denim vested shoulders.
ROBIN
Uh…yeah…sorry to keep you waiting. Please, come in.Annie and Jack both sigh.
INT. ROBIN’S OFFICE – HIGH SCHOOL – MORNING
Certificates and awards line the wall, along with family photos that haven’t been updated in a while.
Robin, sits behind a complicated mess of paperwork.
Annie and Jack sit far apart.
ROBIN
Yes…uh…Robin checks the name on her file.
ROBIN (CONTINUED)
Mr. Andrew’s, I’ve invited you here to talk about Annie’s grades.Annie rolls her eyes.
ANNIE
Do I have to be here for this?ROBIN
I’d like you to be a part of the conversation, Annie. Your voice is important!ANNIE
Like I get a say in any of this.JACK
Let her talk, Annie.ROBIN
Mr. Andrew’s, I know that your family has suffered an immeasurable loss.JACK
Jack. Call me Jack.ROBIN
Okay. Jack. I’m very sorry. You’ve been through a lot.JACK
Yes. We have.ROBIN
In a previous meeting with me, Annie made a comment that her family has become…She checks her notes again.
ROBIN (CONTINUED)
Absolutely miserable.Annie shoots her a look of disgust.
ANNIE
That’s not what I said! God!Jack shoots Annie a sharp look.
JACK
You told a stranger that our family is miserable?ANNIE
(angry)
I don’t know? Maybe because when mom died, you dumped Jessica and I off with Grandma and disappeared for six months?Jack looks away embarrassed. His eyes haunted with memory.
JACK
I…um…ANNIE
It would’ve been nice to get a phone call!JACK
(angry)
Oh, poor you! Life’s so fucking hard…Did you have a roof over your head?Robin steps in to redirect the conversation.
ROBIN
As you know, the school made an exception and allowed Annie to move to online school. It’s been seven months…in that time, Annie’s grades have slipped from a four point oh grade point average, down to a two point five.JACK
(shocked)
What?ANNIE
Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it under control.ROBIN
No one is judging you, Annie.JACK
I am. I’m judging.ANNIE
(angry)
Well, excuse me…but I don’t give a shit what you think–ROBIN
–I think it’s time that Annie came back to the live classroom. I think she could really benefit from social interaction.ANNIE
(laughs)
Fuck that! I’m staying home.JACK
Annie…can’t you just be normal for once and go to real school, like everyone else?Annie shakes her head, insulted and ready to explode.
ANNIE
If I could be normal, then trust me, I would! But I’m not coming back to this hell hole.JACK
I think Mrs. Wilkes is right. You do need some social inter–ANNIE
–I’m going on a date Sunday! I’m meeting people just fine!Jack is caught off guard. Robin’s eyes light up with excitement.
ROBIN
Oh! Wow! That’s wonderful, Annie! -
Rob Bertrand’s Great First Page
What I learned: I learned that the first page creates the first impression of you, as a writer and how good you are at writing.
FIRST PAGE
EXT. FIELD – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Magic hour sets over a picturesque landscape, punctuated by the rhythmic bass of modern hip-hop. Somewhere a wedding reception is in full swing.
Through a field of parked cars, weaves a teenage girl, pulling her younger sister by the hand.
Meet, ANNIE ANDREWS, 16, purposefully plain, unintentionally pretty. The type of girl that prefers a hoodie and beanie over the sun dress she’s in now. Careful! She wields sarcasm like a deadly weapon and right now, she’s pissed.
Trailing behind is JESSICA, 8, lover of all thing’s horror and dedicated gamer. She may be shy in the real world, but online? She’ll eat your soul alive.
JESSICA
Mom and dad are fighting.ANNIE
No shit. Now, hurry your little ass up.The sisters cut through a row of cars and find their parents arguing beside their mom’s 69 VW Bug.
The guy who can barely stand is JACK ANDREWS. A hardworking, harder drinking, blue-collar conservative.
JACK
(slurred)
Gimme the fucking keys, Nora.NORA ANDREWS, late 30s. On a normal day, she’s an overworked mother, who bears the weight of her dysfunctional family on her shoulders. But tonight, that all ends.
NORA
(angry)
You said you had this under control!JACK
Give me…the fucking…keys!NORA
(whispers)
Get in the backseat, Jack or so help me God, I will leave you here. I will leave you and take the kids… -
Rob Bertrand Rough Draft
What I learned: I learned that this process is a continual refinement and with each pass the story gets better and better.
FIRST 10 PAGES
EXT. PARKING LOT – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Magic hour sets over a picturesque landscape, punctuated by the rhythmic bass of modern hip-hop. Somewhere a party is in full swing.
Meet ANNIE ANDREWS, 16, plain, but pretty, who wields sarcasm like a deadly weapon. She’s uncomfortable in the dress she’s wearing. Her long brown hair, normally hidden under a beanie, is worn swept up and sparkles.
Annie leads her sister, JESSICA, 8, a shy but crafty kid, through a field of parked cars.
JESSICA
Is mom and dad fighting?ANNIE
When are they not? Hurry up.The sisters cut through a row of cars and find their parents arguing beside their mom’s 69 VW Convertible Bug.
Meet JACK ANDREWS, a hardworking, harder drinking, blue-collar conservative. His face is red from anger or is it the booze? He shakes a finger in the face of his wife.
JACK
(slurred)
Just…gimme the fucking keys, Nora.NORA ANDREWS, late 30s. On a normal day, she’s an overworked mother, who bears the weight of her dysfunctional family on her shoulders. But today, Nora’s at her wit’s end.
NORA
(angry)
You said you had this under control!Annie and Jessica approach quietly.
JACK
Give me…my fucking…keys!Nora’s had enough.
NORA
(whispers)
Get in the backseat, Jack or so help me God, I will leave you here. I will leave you and take the kids…Jack goes to say something, but the look on Nora’s face stops him cold. He caves and crawls over the driver seat and plops himself into the back.
Nora slams the door in his face.
ANNIE
Mom, are you okay?NORA
Annie….I need you to…I need you to drive.CLOSE ON the car keys in Nora’s palm.
INT. NORA’S BUG – MOVING – LATER
A light rain falls as the wipers churn rhythmically.
Annie grips the steering wheel with the white-knuckle confidence of a student driver.
Nora stares out the passenger seat window, lost in thought.
NORA
Wasn’t that a beautiful wedding?Jack quietly stews in the backseat, as Jessica plays her Nintendo Switch, doing her best to ignore him.
ANNIE
Yeah, until Dad caused a scene–JACK
–Over a couple of homos? Shit, man…Jack stares daggers at Annie.
NORA
They looked so happy together…ANNIE
It’s twenty-twenty-two, dad. Gay people exist!Nora attempts to change the subject.
NORA
I think I’m going to take a hot bath when we get home–JACK
(angry)
–We should have won that fuckin’ anniversary dance!Annie rolls her eyes.
ANNIE
Give me a break, dad.JACK
(angry)
It’s fuckin’ bullshit! Marriage wasn’t even legal for them thirty-two years–ANNIE
(angry)
Dad! Stop!The rain is really coming down now. Nora reaches over and turns up the wipers. The rhythmic sound amping the tension.
JACK
Right! I forgot! Complain and get cancelled. The queers own this world now.Annie is hurt to the very core of her being.
ANNIE
You’re such a homophobic asshole!EXT. CROSSROAD – HIGHWAY – AERIAL – NIGHT
High above a four-way intersection, two vehicles approach the crossroad. A yellow light blinks its warning as the rain comes down in buckets.
INT. NORA’S BUG – MOVING – LATER
The wipers, now set to full blast, are no match for the torrential downpour.
NORA
Don’t listen to him. That’s the liquor talking. Love is love. No matter how you find it.JACK
Pssshhht.Annie’s face is a mask of terror. Headlights approach from the side road.
ANNIE
Mom! What do I do?NORA
You’ve got the right of way. They’ll yield to you.It’s hard to hear over the noise of the wipers. Annie is panicking.
ANNIE
I can’t see!JACK
Why can’t women wear miniskirts in San Francisco?The approaching truck grow’s closer and closer. It’s not slowing down.
ANNIE
Shut up!JACK
Because their balls would show!Jack erupts into a fit of laughter.
Nora looks back, anger burning in her eyes. The lights of the approaching car illuminate her from behind. It’s close. Too close.
NORA
(angry)
Jack, please––Screeching tires and a blazing truck horn scream through the night. The truck barreling towards them.
The second before impact.
INT. CHURCH – FUNERAL – DAY
Rain patters against a beautiful stained-glass window, as a pipe organ plays Ava Maria.
In the front pew, sits Jack, Jessica and Annie. Jack looks a mess, with bloodshot eyes and unkempt hair.
Jessica can’t hold back the tears. She leans close to Annie, whose protective arm she clings to.
There’s no tears in Annie’s eyes. Only anger and rage.
All eyes are on them.
Annie looks over to her father. His hands shaking in his lap.
Her eyes shift back to the coffin. Only now, it’s been replaced by the smoking wreck of Nora’s VW Bug. Nora’s mutilated body is trapped. Her head nearly decapitated.
The light fades to black. Thunder CRACKS as lightning flashes, illuminating the silent audience behind them. Their faces decomposing flesh.
Nora’s dead eyes shoot open and when she opens her mouth to speak, it pours blood and gore. Her voice is hard as gravel.
NORA
Look at what you’ve done to me! Look at what you’ve done to my family!Nora throws her head back, as blood pumps out of her neck, showering Jack, Annie and Jessica in warm, red gore.
They scream.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
CLOSE ON Annie’s eyes as she’s startled awake, screaming from the nightmare.
SUPERIMPOSED: Seven months later.
She takes a moment to catch her breath, before rolling over to check her phone. Her eyes go wide.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – MORNING
Annie exits her bedroom and is greeted by the sounds of wedding music from her parents room.
ANNIE
Grandma?She heads off to investigate.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – DAY
The bedroom door cracks. Light peeks in revealing Annie.
ANNIE
Grandma?She enters the room, stepping over empty liquor bottles on the floor and throws open the drapes.
Sun cuts through the bedroom like a knife to reveal Jack, sound asleep, clutching Nora’s wedding dress to his body.
Annie is shocked to see him.
ANNIE
What the hell are you doing here?Jack groans and pulls the covers over his face.
JACK
I’m back.ANNIE
Where’s Grandma?JACK
She went home, I guess.Annie surveys the scene. Jack and Nora’s wedding video plays on a loop on a TV on the dresser. The wedding dress triggers her. She pulls it from his grasp.
ANNIE
What the hell are you doing?Jack sits up. Shakes the cobwebs from his mind. Stretches.
JACK
I like the smell.Annie wants to smell the dress, but can’t.
JACK
She looked so beautiful that day. Fuck, we were just kids…Annie looks at the wedding video on TV. Her mom, happier than we’ve ever seen. She clicks the TV off. Wads the dress up in a ball and throws it on the ground.
ANNIE
Well, she’s dead now….so?JACK
God damn it, Annie! That dress meant a lot to you your mother! It was her favorite thing…ANNIE
Get up, pops. I need a ride to school and I can’t be late!INT. HEAD OFFICE – HIGH SCHOOL – MORNING
The phone rings off the hook, as the Front Desk Aide fights with a group of unruly boys.
Amidst the chaos, sits Annie and Jack. Side by side, but they couldn’t be any farther apart. Both stare at a door marked: GUIDANCE COUNSELOR. Both want to be somewhere else.
Behind the door, the unmistakable sound of an argument.
JOCELYN (O.S.)
(angry)
Oh…sure! Side with the fascist!BECKY (O.S.)
Shall I call your dad? Is that what you want, Jocelyn!?The door BURSTS open to reveal JOCELYN WILCOX, 17. Professional new kid. Her pink hair, nose ring and punk t-shirt scream teenage rebel. Her current attitude: Fuck you.
For Annie, it’s love at first site.
BECKY
That’s it, young lady! I’m calling…JOCELYN
Do whatever the fuck you want, Becky. I’m outta here…Jocelyn catches Annie staring and winks as she slides on a pair of sunglasses. She storms off, as her Step-mom chases after her.
In the doorway, stands ROBIN WILKES, 50s, overworked and underpaid, Guidance Counselor extraordinaire. She wears years of experience on her denim vested shoulders.
ROBIN
Uh…yeah…sorry to keep you waiting. Please, come in.Annie and Jack both sigh.
INT. ROBIN’S OFFICE – HIGH SCHOOL – MORNING
Certificates and awards line the wall, along with family photos that haven’t been updated in a while.
Robin, sits behind a complicated mess of paperwork.
Annie and Jack sit far apart.
ROBIN
Yes…uh…Robin checks the name on her file.
ROBIN (CONTINUED)
Mr. Andrew’s, I’ve invited you here to talk about Annie’s grades.Annie rolls her eyes.
ANNIE
Do I have to be here for this?ROBIN
I’d like you to be a part of the conversation, Annie. Your voice is important!ANNIE
Like I get a say in any of this.JACK
Let her talk, Annie.ROBIN
Mr. Andrew’s, I know that your family has suffered an immeasurable loss.JACK
Jack. Call me Jack.ROBIN
Okay. Jack. I’m very sorry. You’ve been through a lot.JACK
Yes. We have.ROBIN
In a previous meeting with me, Annie made a comment that her family has become…She checks her notes again.
ROBIN (CONTINUED)
Absolutely miserable.Annie shoots her a look of disgust.
ANNIE
That’s not what I said! God!Jack shoots Annie a sharp look.
JACK
You told a stranger that our family is miserable?ANNIE
(angry)
I don’t know? Maybe because when mom died, you dumped Jessica and I off with Grandma and disappeared for six months?Jack looks away embarrassed. His eyes haunted with memory.
JACK
I…um…ANNIE
It would’ve been nice to get a phone call!JACK
(angry)
Oh poor you! Life’s so fucking hard…Did you have a roof over your head?Robin steps in to redirect the conversation.
ROBIN
As you know, the school made an exception and allowed Annie to move to online school. It’s been seven months…in that time, Annie’s grades have slipped from a four point oh grade point average, down to a two point five.JACK
(shocked)
What?ANNIE
Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it under control.ROBIN
No one is judging you, Annie.JACK
I am. I’m judging.ANNIE
(angry)
Well, excuse me…but I don’t give a shit what you think–ROBIN
–I think it’s time that Annie came back to school. I think she could really benefit from social interaction.ANNIE
Fuck that! I’m staying home.JACK
Annie…can’t you just be normal for once and go to real school, like everyone else?Annie shakes her head, insulted and ready to explode.
ANNIE
If I could be normal, then trust me, I would! But I’m not coming back to this hell hole.JACK
I think Mrs. Wilkes is right. You do need some social inter–ANNIE
–I’m going on a date Sunday! I’m meeting people just fine!Jack is caught off guard. Robin’s eyes light up with excitement.
ROBIN
Oh! Wow! That’s wonderful, Annie!JACK
With who?The need to change the subject fills Annie’s eyes with emotion. Tears begin to fall and when she speaks her voice waivers.
ANNIE
Do you know what kind of fucking world this is? How kids treat each other? It’s a fucking war zone out there! Kids walking around with PTSD from the shit they take? We’re all just one comment away from going off like a bomb. If…if…one kid says something about my mom…I don’t think I could take it. Please let me stay in online school?!Robin feels for her, pushes a box of tissue closer to Annie. Annie pulls a few and dabs her eyes.
ROBIN
<font face=”inherit”>Alright…We’ll continue with the online school, for now. But Annie, I need you to </font>re-engage<font face=”inherit”>. Let’s get those grades up. You and I both know you can do better.</font>Annie cries even harder.
ANNIE
I will. I swear!JACK
I’ll make sure to check in at home.Robin claps while checking the clock.
ROBIN
This! This is good. See what a little communication can do? I love it.Jack gives a fake smile.
ROBIN
I’m sorry, I do have another family coming in.Annie buries her face in her hands, crying hard into her palms.
JACK
Thank you for your time.ROBIN
Of course. We all want what’s best for Annie.Annie stands up and leaves in a huff.
INT. HEAD OFFICE – HIGH SCHOOL – MORNING
The counselor door flies open. As Annie emerges, her sad and tearful face turns to a look of mocking brilliance. She got what she wanted.
CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Opening Scene is Irresistible
What I learned: I learned that it’s difficult to keep up with class after getting Coronavirus. Finally back to writing and I have to say, I feel this lesson improved my first 10 pages and helped me shave off 7 pages.
EXT. PARKING LOT – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Magic hour sets over a picturesque landscape, punctuated by the rhythmic bass of modern hip-hop. Somewhere a party is in full swing.
Meet ANNIE ANDREWS, 16, plain, but pretty, who wields sarcasm like a deadly weapon. She’s uncomfortable in the dress she’s wearing. Her long brown hair, normally hidden under a beanie, is worn swept up and sparkles.
Annie leads her sister, JESSICA, 8, a shy but crafty kid, through a field of parked cars.
JESSICA
Is mom and dad fighting?ANNIE
When are they not? Hurry up.The sisters cut through a row of cars and find their parents arguing beside their mom’s 69 VW Convertible Bug.
Meet JACK ANDREWS, a hardworking, harder drinking, blue-collar conservative. His face is red from anger or is it the booze? He shakes a finger in the face of his wife.
JACK
(slurred)
Just…gimme the fucking keys, Nora.NORA ANDREWS, late 30s. On a normal day, she’s an overworked mother, who bears the weight of her dysfunctional family on her shoulders. But today, Nora’s at her wit’s end.
NORA
(angry)
You said you had this under control!JACK
(angry)
I’m fine! Gimme the keys…NORA
Get in the car, Jack. Pull yourself together…for the kids.Annie and Jessica approach quietly.
JACK
Give me…my fucking…keys!Nora’s had enough.
NORA
(whispers)
Get in the backseat, Jack or so help me God, I will leave you here. I will leave you and take the kids…Jack goes to say something, but the look on Nora’s face stops him cold. He caves and crawls over the driver seat and plops himself into the back.
Nora slams the door in his face.
ANNIE
Mom, are you okay?NORA
Annie….I need you to…I need you to drive.CLOSE ON the car keys in Nora’s palm.
CUT TO:
INT. NORA’S BUG – MOVING – LATER
A light rain falls on the windshield as the wipers churn rhythmically.
Annie grips the steering wheel with the white-knuckle confidence of a student driver.
Nora stares out the passenger seat window, lost in thought.
NORA
Wasn’t that a beautiful wedding?Jack quietly stews in the backseat, as Jessica plays her Nintendo Switch, doing her best to ignore him.
ANNIE
Yeah, until Dad caused a scene–JACK
–Over a couple of homos? Shit, man…Jack stares daggers at Annie.
NORA
They looked so happy together…ANNIE
It’s twenty-twenty-two, dad. Gay people exist!Nora attempts to change the subject.
NORA
I think I’m going to take a hot bath when we get home–JACK
(angry)
–We should have won that fuckin’ anniversary dance!Annie rolls her eyes.
ANNIE
Give me a break, dad.JACK
(angry)
It’s fuckin’ bullshit! Marriage wasn’t even legal for them thirty-two years–ANNIE
(angry)
Dad! Stop!The rain is really coming down now. Nora reaches over and turns up the wipers. The rhythmic sound amping the tension.
JACK
Right! I forgot! Complain and get cancelled. The queers own this world now.Annie is hurt to the very core of her being.
ANNIE
You’re such a homophobic asshole!EXT. CROSSROAD – HIGHWAY – AERIAL – NIGHT
High above a four-way intersection, two vehicles approach the crossroad. A yellow light blinks its warning as the rain comes down in buckets.
INT. NORA’S BUG – MOVING – LATER
The wipers, now set to full blast, are no match for the torrential downpour.
NORA
Don’t listen to him. That’s the liquor talking. Love is love. No matter how you find it.JACK
Pssshhht.Annie’s face is a mask of terror. Headlights approach from the side road.
ANNIE
Mom! What do I do?NORA
You’ve got the right of way. They’ll yield to you.It’s hard to hear over the noise of the wipers. Annie is panicking.
ANNIE
I can’t see!JACK
Why can’t women wear miniskirts in San Francisco?The approaching truck grow’s closer and closer. It’s not slowing down.
ANNIE
Shut up!JACK
Because their balls would show!Jack erupts into a fit of laughter.
Nora looks back, anger burning in her eyes. The lights of the approaching car illuminate her from behind. It’s close. Too close.
NORA
(angry)
Jack, please––Screeching tires and a blazing truck horn scream through the night. The truck barreling towards them.
The second before impact.
CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Openings
What I learned: I learned that the first 10 pages are the most important of your screenplay. You need a powerful hook to keep the reader engaged.
Instant Conflict Opening: Driving home from a wedding, Annie gets into an argument with her father, Jack, over his homophobic comments. Annie is distracted and gets into a car accident, killing her mother.
The Shocking Opening: We open on a funeral, as Annie and Jessica approach their mother’s open casket. The casket becomes the wreckage of Nora’s crashed 69 Ford Mustang. Her body still trapped in the mangled metal. Nora’s hand shoots out and grabs Annie. Her mangled corpse screaming that it’s Annie’s fault. Annie wakes, screaming. It was only a nightmare.
The V.O. That’s Unusual: Annie gives an opening narration, filled with brutal sarcasm over the funeral of her mother.
Intriguing Scene from Another Place in the Movie: Script opens with a sliver of the séance scene. Ends when the ghost of Nora Andrews blames Annie for her death. Cuts to 7 months earlier.
The Trick Opening: Over the sound of wedding vows, lipstick is carefully applied to a woman’s lips. Her nails are painted red. Her hair expertly styled. We think it’s for a wedding, but it’s revealed to be for the funeral of Nora Andrews.
-
Rob Bertrand Loves This Opening!
What I learned: I learned the basic structure for a powerful opening. 1st page Provactive opening. 3rd page twist. 5th to 10th page inciting incident and by the 10th page we know what the story is about.
EXT. HILL HOUSE, THEN – NIGHT
Dense, New England woods, lit only by the moonlight. The leafless
branches crossing our frame like skeletal hands.
STEVEN (V.O.)
No live organism can continue to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality, which is why all conscious things – man, child, and beast – must sleep. And dream.The camera moves beyond the trees and branches to REVEAL:
A sprawling family home in the woods, all by itself. Large, striking, and brimming with history.
Huge windows, brick and iron, with hints of the Gothic in its architecture. The longer one stares, the more off-kilter the house seems to be.
All around, the signs of a RENOVATION IN PROGRESS.
Scaffolding, tools, abandoned to the late hour. Someone is working hard on this house.
LEGEND: HILL HOUSE. THEN.
STEVEN (V.O.)
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within. It had stood so for a hundred years before my family moved in, and it might stand for a hundred more.NOTE: The opening narration hints at something sinister.
INT. HILL HOUSE, THEN – CONTINUOUS
We float through the halls. Past the grand staircase. Past the large, ornate windows. The architecture is old, but the dressing is clearly 1990’s.
Small HOME IMPROVEMENT projects throughout the house. Fresh paint on some elements, absent from others.
STEVEN (V.O.)
Within, walls stood upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm. Silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House…We linger on details: CHILDREN’S TOYS, abandoned to the late <font face=”inherit”>hour. Patched </font>drywall<font face=”inherit”>, corners of the bannister in the midst </font>of renovation.
FAMILY PHOTOS of the CRANES: HUGH (late 30’s), his wife MARY (late 30’s), and the children: STEVEN (11), SHIRLEY (9), THEODORA (7) and the twins, LUKE and NELL (5).
NOTE: We meet our main characters through photos and realize they are renovating the house.
STEVEN (V.O.)
… And whatever walked there, walked alone.CUT TO:
INT. STEVEN’S ROOM, HILL HOUSE, THEN – CONTINUOUS
A boy’s room, with all the expected flourishes of the nineties: a TV, video games. We float toward the boy, asleep in his bed, moonlight on his face. He is YOUNG STEVEN (11).
We come to rest on Steven’s face, as he’s stirred from sleep by a sound…
The sound of a CHILD CRYING. He blinks, sitting up.
CUT TO:
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY, HILL HOUSE, THEN – CONTINUOUS
He steps into the hallway, looking smaller against the sheer size of the home. High ceilings, archways.
The crying is LOUDER now.
He sees his sister YOUNG THEO (7) standing by her door, rubbing her eyes. The crying woke her too.
YOUNG STEVEN
It’s okay Theo, go back to bed.YOUNG THEO
Should we wake mom and dad?YOUNG STEVEN
I’ve got it.He moves past her, toward the last door in the hall. He pushes it open.
CUT TO:
2.
INT. NELL’S ROOM, HILL HOUSE, THEN – CONTINUOUS
He moves into the room. In the soft glow of the night light, he sees YOUNG NELL (5) perched at the foot of her bed. Crying her little tears, clearly afraid.
YOUNG STEVEN
You okay Nellie?She shakes her head “no.”
YOUNG STEVEN (CONT’D)
You scared?She shakes her head “yes.”
YOUNG STEVEN (CONT’D)
That’s okay, I get scared too sometimes.He steps into the room, and looks over to the bed on the other side, where Nell’s twin brother YOUNG LUKE (5) sleeps soundly, despite his sister’s cries.
YOUNG STEVEN (CONT’D)
Luke sleeps through anything, huh? What was it?YOUNG NELL
(beat)
The bent-neck lady.YOUNG HUGH (O.S.)
Oh, her again.NOTE: The Bent Neck Lady sounds horrifying. Playing on childhood fears of the boogeyman in the closet.
They turn. Standing in the doorway is YOUNG HUGH CRANE. In his pajamas, eyes tired – but still managing a gentle smile.
YOUNG HUGH (CONT’D)
Where was she?Nell POINTS to the foot of the bed, almost where her brother is standing. Hugh smiles, stepping into the room.
YOUNG HUGH (CONT’D)
Oh boy, let’s take a look.He moves to the spot.
YOUNG HUGH (CONT’D)
Here, huh?She nods.
3.
YOUNG HUGH (CONT’D)
Your big brother must have scared her away. Big brothers are good like that.YOUNG NELL
What if she’s hiding?YOUNG HUGH
Well let’s make sure she isn’t. Where could she go?Nell’s eyes go to the foot of the bed. Hugh follows her gaze, and crouches to look underneath the bed.
YOUNG HUGH (CONT’D)
Anyone under here? You better come out, or you’re in trouble.
(beat)
Hmmm. Not there…He looks up at Nell, who points toward the closet.
YOUNG HUGH (CONT’D)
Ah.Steven steps aside, watching as his dad goes through the motions for Nell. He smiles, watching close. Learning how.
Hugh opens the closet door, moving the clothes to the side.
YOUNG HUGH (CONT’D)
You better come out, bent-neck lady. Stop scaring Nellie.
(beat)
Nope, she’s long gone.Nell relaxes a little.
YOUNG HUGH (CONT’D)
And now, everybody can go back to bed.NOTE: We love this family. Hugh is gentle and caring. Instantly puts us at ease.
Steven heads for the door, turning to watch his father tuck Nell back into bed.
YOUNG HUGH (CONT’D)
There we go. Do you remember what we talked about before? About our dreams?YOUNG NELL
They can spill.4.
YOUNG HUGH
That’s right. Just like a cup of water spills sometimes. And a kid’s dreams are special, they’re like –At the door, Steven smiles. He remembers this part…
YOUNG STEVEN
(very softly)
An ocean.YOUNG NELL
An ocean.YOUNG HUGH
That’s right. Sometimes the big dreams can spill out.
(turns)
Back to bed, Stevie.Steve smiles, and walks away. Hugh turns back to Nell.
YOUNG HUGH (CONT’D)
I know the bent-neck lady is scary, but that’s all she is. Just a little spill. You know that, right Nellie?She stares at him.
YOUNG NELL
How long do we have to live here, daddy?YOUNG HUGH
Well, I’ve got to finish fixing the house. And then, somebody has to buy it.YOUNG NELL
And then we can go?YOUNG HUGH
(smiles, feels bad)
Yep, then we can go. Just like the last house.She nods. A little relieved.
YOUNG HUGH (CONT’D)
I love you sweetie. Sweet dreams.NOTE: Immediately following this scene, Young Nell has an encounter with the Bent Neck Lady. It sets up the fact that the family is living in a haunted house.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Completed Third Act
What I learned: I learned that you outline and plan your 3rd Act as much, if not more than your entire screenplay.
1. SETUP: A depressed girl, struggling with her sexuality tries to fit in by going on a date with a boy she met online. After she rejects him for the new girl at school, she begins to experience paranormal activity and soon comes to the belief that it’s the ghost of her dead mother. After Annie shares her first kiss with another girl, the paranormal activity escalates and injures the girl
2. PLOT POINT 2 — It’s revealed that the house is not haunted by Nora’s ghost. Danny Laplante has been living inside the walls, pretending to be the ghost to get revenge on Annie.
3. CRISIS — Annie must decide if she’s going back into her house to find her father, or go for help.
4. CLIMAX — Annie must face off against Danny, who’s taken on the identity of Nora Andrews and is holding Jack Andrew’s hostage. Danny wants Annie to kill her father, so that he can replace him as her mother. During the confrontation, Annie comes out to her father and Jack reveals he went to rehab and is 12 months sober. Annie uses her intelligence to trick Danny and rescues her father. Danny is caught on fire and retreats to hide.
5. RESOLUTION — Danny is found hiding in the walls and is arrested. Months later, Annie packs for college. Jack gives Annie a surprise gift. It’s her mother’s classic car, fully restored from the accident. Jack promises to take good care of Jessica. We also learn that Danny has escaped a mental hospital.
6. FINAL PAGE — The film ends with a new family entering their house with groceries. Furniture has been moved around. Food on the counter. Hints that Danny Laplante has found some new victims. Seeds for a sequel.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE — It ends with a voice over recall from earlier in the film. Danny’s speech about Childhood being over the moment you realize that monsters are real. They just look like you and me. He’s hiding in a closet, watching a new teenage girl brush her hair.
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Rob Bertrand’s Amazing Final Line
What I learned: I learned the importance of ending your screenplay on striking parting words and visuals.
A. Directly answer the main question the entire
movie is about.Danny has escaped to continue his stalking of a new family. We revisit the words that he told Jessica. “Childhood his over the moment you realize that monster’s are real.”
B. Finally we hear the one thing that the character
wouldn’t say in the movie.The final scene is with Danny and lawyer. They go over the list of charges and the jail time that Danny faces. The laywer tells Danny, “You’re going to need therapy.” This is Danny’s trigger because he was abused by a therapist.
C. Solve the puzzle.
Danny is being interviewed by police detectives, who reveal the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father and later his therapist. Monsters aren’t born. They’re made.
2. Select the best final line/image and write the final scene.
SCENE
INT. KITCHEN – JOHNSON HOUSE – DAY
A WOMAN, late 30s, with expertly styled hair and freshly manicured nails, carries an armload of groceries into the kitchen. She rolls her eyes at a cereal bowl left on the kitchen table. She followed by her BRATTY KID, 10, who carries the smallest bag.
DANNY (V.O.)
I’ll tell you a secret.WOMAN
What did I tell you about leaving your dishes out?The kid is instantly offended.
BRATTY KID
I didn’t!INT. BATHROOM – JOHNSON HOUSE – DAY
Music plays from a bluetooth speaker on the counter as the shower fills the room with steam.
DANNY (V.O.)
No one is ever who they truly seem to be.The CLUELESS TEEN girl, 18, lets water run down her face, oblivious to the shadow lurking outside her shower curtain.
She shuts the water off, rips the curtain open to reveal a heart drawn in steam on the mirror.
DANNY (V.O.)
In my experience, the nicest looking people are the biggest monsters.She thinks nothing of it.
INT. BEDROOM – JOHNSON HOUSE – DAY
The Clueless Teen sits at a vanity mirror, brushing her hair. In the reflection, the closet door slides open, just a crack.
DANNY (V.O.)
Childhoods over the moment you realize that monsters are real. They just look like you and me.INT. CLOSET – BEDROOM – JOHNSON HOUSE – DAY
POV: We watch the Clueless Teen from the darkness. The sound of heavy breathing.
DANNY (O.S.)
(whispers)
I love you.SMASH CUT TO BLACK
THE END
-
Rob Bertrand’s Final Page
What I learned: I learned that the first page and last page are the most important pages of your screenplay. I also learned to avoid the temptation to wrap things up with on the nose exposition. Something I am very guilty of doing.
A. The Setup / Payoff final page.
Set up through the 1st and 2nd Act that Danny is longing for acceptance and connection. He wants to find the perfect family that “gets him.” After receiving a letter from Annie, we hear it over voice over, as Danny is found missing from his hospital room. Annie’s letter is a letter of forgiveness, telling Danny to stay away from her family, but hopeful that he finds the sense of belonging he hopes for. The scene ends with a brand new family entering their house with groceries. The family is oblivious to the signs…things moved around. Cereal bowl on the kitchen table. The teenage daughter takes a shower, only to reveal a heart drawn in the steam on the mirror. Danny has chosen a new family.
B. The Contrast final page.
First page: Annie wakes from a nightmare when she hears her dead mother say, “Let’s go kiddo, you’ve got a life to live.
Last page: Annie recieves word that Danny has escaped the mental hospital and has a panic attack. She finds her father, who’s wrapping up with an Alarm Technician. They’ve installed a state of art home security system with cameras everywhere. Jack calms her down. Jessica wants to give Annie her present. The Andrew’s family exits the house, only it’s not the house we’re used to. We see palm trees and sun. They moved to California. Jack hands Annie a set of keys to a new car. “Let’s go kiddo, you’ve got a life to live.”
C. The Climax/Resolution final page.
In the driveway, a paramedic attends to Jack on a stretcher, preparing to load him in an ambulance. Annie and Jessica by his side. They watch has police bring Danny out of the house, handcuffed to a stretcher. He’s raving like a lunatic. Annie comes out to her father, who’s accepting. Jessica asks if they can move. “abso-fuckin’lutely…”
D. The “Something good is going to come out of this mess” final page.
Annie’s final meeting with her guidance counselor, Robin. Jack and Jessica are also in attendance. Annie’s received a letter from the favorite college she applied to. She opens it but can’t bring herself to read it. Robin reads it. It’s an acceptance letter. Annie and Robin are overjoyed. Annie has chosen to become a psychiatrist. She wants to help kids and be a guiding light.
E. The “One last gesture” final page.
A few months after the incident with Danny, life has returned to normal for the Andrew’s family. Annie is packing for college, when Jessica says dad wants to see her outside. Annie finds Jack standing in the driveway, where they have a heartfelt conversation. Jack promises that everything will be okay with Annie leaving. He’ll take good care of Jessica, while she’s at college. Jack hands Annie a set of car keys. “What’s this?” Jack wants Annie to be able to visit whenever she wants. Pressing the garage remote, the door slides up to reveal a very special car. It was Annie’s mom’s car. Jack completely restored it.
F. The Shock final page
A new house with a new family. A mother bakes cookies in the kitchen. Dad watches football, snoozing on the couch. Young siblings run in from the backyard, fighting over who won a game. The oldest sister takes a shower. She’s shocked to find a heart drawn in the steam on the mirror. Leaning close to investigate, a hand shoots through the mirror and grabs her by the throat. Smash to black.
SCENE
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
The bright spring sun, shines through the window as Annie packs a suitcase.
Jessica bursts in.
JESSICA
Dad wants you!ANNIE
What does he want?A devious smile plays across Jessica’s face.
JESSICA
I dunno…She disappears out the door before Annie can grill her more.
EXT. DRIVEWAY – ANDREW’S HOUSE – DAY
Jack kneels down and straightens an alarm company sign prominently displayed in his grass.
Annie emerges from the front door and approaches. Jessica watches from the window.
ANNIE
Hey, pops. You looking for me?JACK
Hey, kiddo. Yeah. You all packed?Annie shrugs.
ANNIE
I feel like I’m starting my life over.JACK
No. Not over. You’re just starting a new adventure, that’s all.ANNIE
Yeah…JACK
You scared?ANNIE
Me? Of course not––Annie catches herself.
ANNIE
Actually? Yes. I’m scared to death. My whole life was in this house…JACK
Ah, well…this house will always be your home, Annie. But it’s time you left the nest. The rest of your life is waiting for you to find it. Don’t be scared…be curious.ANNIE
Be curious.JACK
The first Andrew’s in this family to go to college! Your mom would be so proud. You’re going to be a wonderful psychiatrist.ANNIE
Will you and Jessica be okay?Jack pulls Annie in for a hug.
JACK
Jessica and I are going to be just fine. I’ll take good care of her, I promise.ANNIE
It’s just so far away…you know?JACK
I know. But I have a plan for that.Jack pulls a garage remote from his pocket and hits the button. The garage door raises to reveal a classic Ford Mustang, candy apple red. Nora’s car, fully restored.
ANNIE
You fixed it?JACK
Yeah. All those times I said I had to work late? I was working on this, with your uncle Tommy. Your mom, she would’ve wanted you to have this.There are no words, only tears as they stream down Annie’s face. She throws her arms around Jack and won’t let go.
ANNIE
Thank you.JACK
Now you can visit anytime you want.Jack hands Annie the keys.
Annie inspects the car, running her hand along the hood. Jessica joins her family.
JESSICA
Do you like it?ANNIE
It’s so beautiful…Jack opens the drivers door.
JACK
Let’s go, kiddo. You’ve got a life to liveAnnie climbs in, inserts the key and the engine roars to life.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN – JOHNSON HOUSE – DAY
A WOMAN, late 30s, with expertly styled hair and freshly manicured nails, carries an armload of groceries into the kitchen. She rolls her eyes at a cereal bowl left on the kitchen table. She followed by her BRATTY KID, 10, who carries the smallest bag.
WOMAN
What did I tell you about leaving your dishes out?The kid is instantly offended.
BRATTY KID
I didn’t!INT. BATHROOM – JOHNSON HOUSE – DAY
Music plays from a bluetooth speaker on the counter as the shower fills the room with steam.
The CLUELESS TEEN girl, 18, lets water run down her face, oblivious to the shadow lurking outside her shower curtain.
She shuts the water off, rips the curtain open to reveal a heart drawn in steam on the mirror.
She thinks nothing of it.
INT. BEDROOM – JOHNSON HOUSE – DAY
The Clueless Teen sits at a Vanity, brushing her hair. In the reflection we see her closet door open.
FADE OUT
THE END
-
Rob Bertrand Rules
What I learned: I learned the Rules for a Great Ending and how to use them to improve your third act.
RULE 5. Don’t go On-The-Nose.
– Cut and shorten the scene at the neighbors. It really slows things down.
– Cut the scene with Jack getting a call at the AA Meeting. His sobriety can be revealed and made more of a surprise/twist in the climax with Danny and Annie.
– Cut the dialogue with the cops finding Danny. Too much dialogue and it can be told quickly without it.
– Add Jack’s 1 Year Sober AA Chip to his pocket, to be revealed during the final showdown between Danny and Anny
– Annie comiing out and Jack’s revelation that he’s been sober for 12 months can be added to the climax, instead of the hospital scenes after.
RULE 6. The climax of the movie must be set in the quintessential
location for the conflict.– The climax is currently set in the basement of the Andrew’s home. On a rewrite, I’d like to make the room more important to the story. Jack was building a man cave that included a prominent bar. Progress stopped when Nora died. It’s a constant reminder of Jack’s demon in a bottle, so he doesn’t like anyone going in the basement.
– The bar will burn when Annie bashes a liqour bottle over Danny’s head and lights him on fire.
RULE 7. Must keep us guessing to the very end.
Tell us at least three things you’ll do to keep us guessing to the end.– I want the 3rd Act Climax to rocket like a roller coaster, so I will be cutting a lot of expositional dialogue. Show don’t tell.
– I want to keep the audience engaged by upping the tension.
– I want to end it earlier, but with a sense of finality.
– Add a heroic moment for Jessica, who saves the day with her knowledge of horror villains.
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Rob Bertrand’s Powerful Setups
What I learned: I learned that you should create your ending first and then rewrite your screenplay to create powerful setups to that ending. The idea that everything in the third act is there on purpose was a real eye opener for me.
Build their Reputation
– Annie uses grief to her benefit when she fakes a tearful breakdown with her counselor to remain in online school.
– The counselor knows that Annie is better than her grades make her out to be and challenges her to do better.
– Annie is said to have a “Noisy Spirit”. This is a play on words, meaning that Annie has a lot going on in her mind and she isn’t shy about voicing it. It’s also the definition of the word “poltergeist”.
Justification for the final actions
– Danny throws Jocelyn down the stairs, breaking both her arms.
– Danny reveals himself to be the ghost of Nora Andrews, wearing the wedding dress that Jack threw away. He’s been faking the paranormal activity.
– Danny chops Jack’s wedding ring finger and pinkie off.
Cast doubt on the success of the final action
– Annie has a recurring dream of her dead mom.
– The police discover evidence that suggests Annie and Jessica are faking the paranormal activity.
– The Counselor suggests that Annie could be manifesting the paranormal activity into existence with her own mind. A theory called recurrent spontaneous psychokineses. (RSPK) AKA: Poltergeist activity.
– The sisters try and capture the paranormal on camera, but fail.
Discuss the final actions openly
– Annie devises a plan to capture the paranormal activity on camera. Annie and Jessica set up a series of tests, to prove to Jack that the house is really haunted. (It’s not.)
Twists that take it away
– Danny reveals himself to be the “ghost” of Nora Andrews. The house isn’t haunted. He’s been playing a mind game on the Annie.
– Danny reveals that he’s been hiding in the house longer than they ever imagined.
Alternate Hope/fear
– Danny tries to convince Annie to kill her father. “The wrong parent died, remember?”
– Annie holds the axe at Jack’s throat. Is she going to do it?
Create and pay off emotional setups
– Annie reveals she didn’t cry at her mother’s funeral. She’s never cried over her mother’s death.
– The counselor tells Annie, “You hold onto your grief like it owes you something. It doesn’t . Let it go.” Annie cries for her mother for the first time.
– Annie visits her mother’s grave and makes peace with herself.
Suspense around the outcome
– Danny tells Annie that, “No one is ever who they truly seem to be.”
– Danny has had a psychotic break and takes on the persona of Nora Andrews. He believes the only way for Annie will ever love him is to become her mom.
– Danny takes Jack hostage and threatens to kill him. He tries to convince Annie to kill her father.
– Danny escapes
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Rob Bertrand’s Kick Ass Endings
What I learned: I learned the six kick ass endings and how to apply them to the same screenplay.
1. The Ultimate Confrontation
Annie confronts Danny in the basement to save her father. Basically, my current ending.2. Return Home, Only it is Different
After Danny is taken into custody, the Andrew’s family returns home for the first time. They explore the house and find Danny’s secret passages in the walls. The house feels different. Like a member of the family that’s been abused. Annie begins cleaning, followed by Jessica and Jack. A broken family, working together to mend their hearts and home.3. End with a Future
The police give Jack a letter addressed to Annie. Danny had hidden it in the wall, to keep it from her. It’s from the college Annie applied to. Later, Jack and Annie have a much needed heart to heart. Annie reveals her secret and comes out to her father. He’s accepts her with love and reveals his own secret. When he disappeared for 6 months, he was in rehab. He’s been sober and just received his one year chip. He gives Annie the college letter. She opens it and has been accepted. Jack has another surprise. He hasn’t been going to bars. He’s been going to meetings and then over to his brothers garage to work on a project. The project is a car for Annie. Her mother’s classic car that was wrecked. The film ends with Annie driving off to college.4. Major Layer Uncovered
In the final confrontation, Danny reveals that Nora didn‘t commit suicide. Danny has been living in the walls a lot longer then they know. Danny killed Nora after she caught him in the house. He made it look like a suicide. He’s been playing mind games ever since. Annie thought her mom killed herself after she came out to her in private. Her guilt turns to rage. Danny killed her mom and now has her father held hostage.(This idea would require a change to the way Nora dies. Instead of a car accident, her death would be by suicide.)
5. Good Guy Wins after Much Pain and Risk
Annie overcomes her fear and testifies against Danny. She comes out to her father on the stand. Since Danny is only 17, he cannot be tried as an adult. He’s sentenced to a juvenile detention facility. Later, Annie and her father talk. Jack accepts Annie with love and respect. He reveals he went to rehab after Nora’s death. He show’s Annie his one year chip. The family sells the house and sets out for a new start. Danny escapes from juvenile detention.6. Great Protagonist Strategy
After no one believes them, Annie and Jessica decide they need irrefutable proof that the house is haunted. They research ghost hunting and set up an elaborate set of traps to document their proof. They catch human footprints in flour on the floor. Jessica is attacked, getting dragged into the closet. Annie to the rescue. They discover the house isn’t haunted. It’s Danny hiding in the walls. They confront him in the basement, where Danny has taken on the persona of Nora Andrews, their mom! After a hard fought battle, it looks like Danny has the upper hand. The sisters are saved by their father Jack, who’s injured in the fight. Danny is caught in a Trap set by Annie. He’s caught. -
Rob Bertrand’s Three Endings
What I learned: I learned the three traditional movie endings and their structures.
THE UP ENDING
– Beginning of 3rd Act: After the police find evidence that Annie faked the paranormal activity, all the strageness has stopped. Annie finds herself in a spiral of depression and isolation after learning that Jocelyn is dating a guy and won’t return her calls.
– Twists: After weeks, Jocelyn finally video chats Annie and reveals herself to be a poser. She talks a good game about being a rebel, but in reality she lives in fear of her father. Annie writes her off, but has learned from the experience.
– Twists: The paranormal activity is back and worse than ever! Annie and Jocelyn are attacked and flee the house.
– Crisis: Jack goes missing after entering the house. Annie makes the choice to go find him.
– Climax: It’s revealed that the house isn’t haunted. Danny Laplante has been living inside the walls, faking the paranormal activity. After a psychotic break, he’s taken on the persona of Nora Andrews and has taken Jack hostage. He wants to replace Annie’s mom and kill Jack because he overheard Annie say, “The wrong parent died.” Annie plays into his psychosis and tricks Danny into giving her the hatchet. Annie saves Jack, but not before he loses some fingers. Danny is set on fire, but escapes…for now.
– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both: Annie acheives her goal when she finds the courage to come out to her father. Jack is accepting and also reveals that he went to rehab and has been sober for 12 months.
THE DOWN ENDING
– Beginning of 3rd Act: After the police find evidence that Annie faked the paranormal activity, all the strageness has stopped. Annie finds herself in a spiral of depression and isolation after learning that Jocelyn is dating a guy and won’t return her calls.
– Twists: After weeks, Jocelyn finally video chats Annie and reveals herself to be a poser. She talks a good game about being a rebel, but in reality she lives in fear of her father. Annie can relate and forgives her. She wants to try and be friends.
– Twists: On video chat, Jocelyn sees a ghost behind Annie. Annie and Jocelyn are attacked and must flee the house.
– Crisis: Jack goes missing after entering the house. Annie makes the choice to go find him.
– Climax: It’s revealed that the house isn’t haunted. Danny Laplante has been living inside the walls, faking the paranormal activity. After a psychotic break, he’s taken on the persona of Nora Andrews and has taken Jack hostage. He wants to replace Annie’s mom and kill Jack because he overheard Annie say, “The wrong parent died.” Annie plays into Danny’s psychosis, pretending he’s her mom. Jack loses a few fingers, after Danny chops them off. Danny gives Annie the hatchet. He wants her to kill her father, so they can be together. Annie tries to kill Danny, but he overpowers her. Jocelyn saves Annie in the knick of time, but Danny mortally wounds her. Jocelyn dies. Annie lights Danny on fire, but he escapes…for now.
– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both: Annie tries to come out to her father, but stops herself. She’s just not ready. The family, emotionally traumatized, sell the house and move away. Danny escapes custody…off to find a new family.
THE IRONIC ENDING
– Beginning of 3rd Act: After the police find evidence that Annie faked the paranormal activity, all the strangeness has stopped. Annie finds herself in a spiral of depression and isolation after learning that Jocelyn is dating a guy and won’t return her calls.
– Twists: After weeks, Jocelyn finally video chats Annie and reveals herself to be a poser. She talks a good game about being a rebel, but in reality she lives in fear of her father. Annie writes her off, but has learned from the experience.
– Twists: The paranormal activity is back and worse than ever! Annie and Jocelyn are attacked and flee the house.
– Crisis: Jack goes missing after entering the house. Annie makes the choice to go find him.
– Climax: It’s revealed that the house isn’t haunted. Danny Laplante has been living inside the walls, faking the paranormal activity. After a psychotic break, he’s taken on the persona of Nora Andrews and has taken Jack hostage. He wants to replace Annie’s mom and kill Jack because he overheard Annie say, “The wrong parent died.” Annie plays into Danny’s psychosis, pretending he’s her mom. Jack loses a few fingers, after Danny chops them off. Danny gives Annie the hatchet. He wants her to kill her father, so they can be together. Annie tries to kill Danny, but he overpowers her. Jocelyn saves Annie in the knick of time. Danny stabs Jack and mortally wounds him. Annie lights Danny on fire, but he escapes…for now. Annie comes out to Jack, as he lays bleeding out. Jack is accepting before he dies.
– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both: Annie is able to achieve her goal of coming out to her father, but loses him in the process.
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Rob Bertrand’s 3rd Act Structure
What I learned: I learned the industry standard for a 3rd act structure. Now that I’ve studied it closely, I see it in every movie that I watch.
1. What is it that fascinates you about this story?
What fascinates me is the idea that no one is really who they seem to be. Everyone has something to hide.
2. What is the main conflict of the story?
The main conflict is the lack of communication between Annie and Jack. Both blame each other for the death of Nora.
3. What is the main goal/need of your protagonist?
Annie’s main goal/need is to live her true self. (Come out to her father)
4. What is the character arc of your main characters?
Annie Andrews goes from a depressed teenager, ashamed of her sexuality to a fiercely confident, self-assured young adult.
Jack Andrews goes from an alcoholic in denial, whose unable to connect with his daughters, to a recovering alcoholic with 12 months sobriety and a willingness to open up.
5. How do you want this movie to end?
I want the movie to end with the hint that Danny is still out there, hiding. Maybe in your walls.
Give a short description of how each of these structural steps
will occur in your script.1. PLOT POINT 2 —
It is revealed that the house is not haunted by Nora Andrew’s ghost. Danny Laplante has been living inside the walls, faking the paranormal activity.
2. CRISIS — The decision point.
Annie must decide if she’s going back into her house to find her father, or go for help. She decides to face her fears.
3. CLIMAX —
Annie must face off against Danny, who’s taken on the identity of Nora Andrews and is holding Jack Andrew’s hostage.
4. RESOLUTION —
Danny Laplante is arrested. Annie confronts Danny in the hospital and forgives him. Annie also comes out to her father, who’s accepting. Jack reveals that he went to rehab and is now one year sober. Annie finally cries over the death of her mother. (she hasn’t until this point.) Danny disappears.
5. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.
The film ends with a new mother and her two kids entering their house with groceries. Furniture has been moved around. Food on the counter. Hints that Danny Laplante has found some new victims. Seeds for a sequel.
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Rob Bertrand’s Great Ending
What I learned: I learned a great ending brings the story to a satisfying conclusion. It resolves the main conflict and brings the protagonist and antagonist together for a final showdown. The ending should be surprising, but inevitable.
MOVIE: The Sixth Sense
BASIC STORY UP TO THE 3RD ACT:
Child psychiatrist, Dr. Malcolm Crowe and his wife Anna are attacked by a former patient. Malcolm is shot.
A few months later, Malcolm takes on a new patient, to help a troubled boy and to distract himself from his crumbling marriage. Cole lives in terror, harboring a secret that his mother doesn’t know how to help him with.
As Malcolm focuses more and more on Cole, he begins to ignore his problems at home. Anna, deeply depressed, begins spending time with a work colleague. The hint of an affair. After Malcolm develops trust and rapport with Cole, the boy admits to seeing “dead people.”
3rd ACT POINTS:
3rd Act Turning Point: Malcolm councils Cole and gives him advice on how to face his fear. If the ghosts want help, then help them.
CLIMAX: Cole helps a grieving father to learn that his wife poisoned and killed their daughter. Cole confesses his gift to his mother and helps her with her feelings over the death of her mother.
RESOLUTION/TWIST:Taking advice from Cole, Malcolm returns home to his wife and talks to her while she sleeps. When Anna drops the ring that Malcolm is wearing, he realizes that he’s a ghost. He’s only been seeing what he wants to see. Malcolm feels redeemed by helping Cole and tells his wife that he thinks he can go now.
SETUPS IN FIRST TWO ACTS:
OPEN: After receiving an award for his work with troubled children, Malcolm and Anna discover that someone has broken into their house. Malcolm is shot by a former patient that he wasn’t able to help. The patient kills himself as Malcolm’s wife, Anna watches in horror.
Next fall, Malcolm takes on Cole as a new patient.
SETUP: Malcolm’s life is is dedicated to helping troubled children.
SETUP: Cole is a troubled boy, afraid to talk about his secret.
SETUP: Malcolm wants to redeem himself by helping Cole.
Cole keeps to himself and is weary of others. Malcolm commits to helping cole because he sees it as second chance for redemption.
Malcolm’s marriage is falling apart. He misses his anniversary dinner and Anna is distant.
Cole is humiliated in class, he scares his classmates by revealing the teacher’s secret. He has some kind of power.
School bullies put Cole in the hospital, where he finally reveals to Malcolm that he sees “dead people.” He explains that dead people, don’t know they’re dead and they can’t see other dead people.
SETUP: Dead people only see what they want to see.
Malcolm wants to quit the case after admitting failure. But changes his mind when he hears the voices of dead people on the patients tape, from the opening scene.
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Rob Bertrand’s Kick Ass Dialogue
What I learned: I learned how to improve my dialogue with a variety of tools. I definitely feel more confident with my character dialogue.
CHARACTER TRAITS
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Depressed
Sarcastic
Angry
SuperiorRobin Wilkes – Supporting Character
Loyal
Old Fashioned
Supportive
GenuineBACKGROUND: Seven months after the death of her mother, Annie meets with her guidance counselor, Robin, to make a plan on how to improve her grades.
SCENE
INT. ROBIN’S OFFICE – HIGH SCHOOL – MORNING
Robin leans back in her chair, enjoying a morning cup of coffee, perusing Annie’s grades on her computer. Annie sits across from her, watching the clock. This is torture.
ROBIN
Looking at your grades, Annie, I think our top priority is Algebra. Do you need some help in that subject?ANNIE
Please. That’s baby stuff, I could do it in my sleep.ROBIN
Then why don’t you? Colleges are going to look very closely–ANNIE
–I love that everyone just assumes I’m going to college.ROBIN
I’m sorry. I guess, I’m just a little surprised to hear you say that. I assumed you were still interested in journalism. I read your op-ed in the school paper, last year. It was quite eye opening.ANNIE
I quit the paper. No one reads anymore. Kid’s these days only get their news from whatever bullshit TikTok is trending. It’s all regurgitated opinions on cancel culture and Trumptards. It’s so boring…makes me want to barf. The kids in this school give me no hope for the future.ROBIN
You don’t think you could help change that by getting an education?Annie rolls her eyes.
ANNIE
Sorry. I guess I just don’t subscribe to the traditional whole American dream thing. Why start my life with a mountain of debt and fill my brain with government propaganda? Only to work some dead end job, killing myself the rest of my life to pay it back? High school is bad enough. The fact that it’s easier for a kid to get a school loan for a hundred thousand dollars, then it is for a kid to get a business loan in this country, shows you just how fucked up the world is.ROBIN
What’s the plan then?ANNIE
How do I know? I’m too busy answering your questions about life to actually have one. Maybe I’ll just hold a sign on a freeway off ramp. I hear those people make over a hundred thousand a year. Tax free…ROBIN
I don’t think that’s challenging enough for you.ANNIE
You don’t know me too well, then.Robin nods her head, moving on.
ROBIN
We’re almost out of time….but I’m curious. How’d your date go?ANNIE
My date? Oh…with Danny…Awful. Why do people always feel the need to represent themselves differently than they actually are? He completely duped me into believing he was someone he’s not.ROBIN
Maybe that speaks to his own internal fears and self confidence?Annie shrugs with indifference.
ANNIE
Wasn’t all bad though. I met someone…interesting, I guess.ROBIN
Well, that’s a positive note to end on. Can you tell me about them?Annie thinks better of it.
ANNIE
I’d rather not. You’d probably think she’s a bad influence on me.Annie looks up to the clock.
ANNIE
Time’s up. Can I go?ROBIN
Do me a favor. Work on that algebra. I know it’s for…what did you say…babies? Might as well get it off your plate.ANNIE
Whatever. Fine…This brings a smile to Robin’s face.
ROBIN
You know what I like about you, Annie? You got a real noisy spirit. That’s a good thing. See you next week…CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Colorful Dialogue
What I learned: I learned the 7 Colorful Dialogue Formats and how to use them to create characters that actors love.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie tucks Jessica in, then sits on the edge of the bed.
JESSICA
I miss Mom.ANNIE
I know, kiddo. I miss her too.JESSICA
Why did she have to die?ANNIE
Whoa…uh…that’s…I dunno…Maybe there is no reason? Maybe that’s just how life is…an unpredictable roll of the dice…The closet door unlatches and the door CREAKS open.
Jessica bolts upright and points.
JESSICA
No fucking way!Annie looks over her shoulder.
ANNIE
Watch your mouth!JESSICA
There’s a monster in my closet!ANNIE
We all have monsters in our closet, Jess. They’re collectible!JESSICA
I’m serious!ANNIE
There’s no such thing as monster’s, dummy. There’s only childhood fear. The door probably wasn’t latched all the way.Annie shuts it and pulls it hard till it CLICKS.
ANNIE
There. Now, good night.JESSICA
Sleep tight.ANNIE
Don’t let the bed bugs bite.Annie exits the room, closing the door.
JESSICA
(yells)
Leave it open!The door cracks, just enough.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Subtext Pointers 2
What I learned: I learned to use Subtext Pointers to create subtext.
INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
The whir of of an espresso machine. Hands pump flavor into a cup. A blender crushes ice.
A Barista hands a group of girl’s their drinks.
Annie watches all this from the safety of the corner booth. She sits with Jessica, ignoring the homework on her laptop.
JESSICA
Can we stay here till Dad gets home?Annie doesn’t answer. She’s too busy staring at a group of teenagers causing a huge commotion. It’s Jocelyn, with a new group of friends. She throws both casts around a high school JOCK, 18 and biggest douchebag in school.
Jocelyn think’s he’s the funniest guy alive.
ANNIE
We should get out of here–DANNY (O.S.)
–Mind if I join you?Without warning, Danny slides into the booth, next to Annie. He looks healthier. Cleaner.
ANNIE
Oh! Uh, hey…Danny. We were…just leaving.DANNY
You just looked like you needed a friend. I promise I won’t hit on you.Annie considers it. She does need a friend.
ANNIE
Okay…but just for a bit. I got to get this one home.DANNY
Hey Jessica.JESSICA
Hey.Annie continues to glare at Jocelyn, who knows she’s being watched. Worse, she’s enjoying it.
Danny sees what’s going on .
DANNY
Want me to kill her?Annie laughs.
JESSICA
Our ghost already tried that…Danny looks across the shop to Jocelyn. Her smug face.
DANNY
She’ll get what she deserves…ANNIE
I just thought she was different…that’s all.DANNY
You know what they say? No one is ever truly who they seem to be.Annie ponders Danny’s statement, looks over to Jocelyn, who’s having the time of her life. Perhaps he’s right.
DANNY
Perception is funny like that. In my experience the nicest looking people are the biggest monsters.JESSICA
Annie say’s monsters aren’t real. That they’re just childhood fears.DANNY
I’ll tell you a secret.He lean’s close to Jessica
DANNY
(whispers)
Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real. They just look like you and me….Danny sits up, staring at Jocelyn.
DANNY
Jocelyn’s a perfect example…The way she used your sister…she’s a monster. And monster’s always get what’s coming to them…CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Cover-Ups
What I learned: I learned that using Dialogue Cover-Up’s is an excellent way to explore branching ideas for a scene. It can help to find the most interesting direction.
SCENE: Danny is caught hiding in the walls. When a cop threatens to let Danny bleed out, this is his response.
DANNY
Don’t…hurt…me. Please…POLICE OFFICER #2
After what you did to this poor family? Maybe we let this fucking pervert bleed out…METHODS OF COVER-UP:
– Silence: Person doesn’t answer when they should.
Danny looks up, no fear in his eyes. A smile turns to a broken and painful laugh. His mind completely splintered.
The officer’s stare down in disgust.
– Action incongruent with words.
Danny looks up, fear in his eyes. He looks weak. Close to death. Danny whisper’s something inaudible.
POLICE OFFICER #2
Huh?Danny mumbles again. Officer #2 leans close to Danny’s face.
POLICE OFFICER #2
You got something you want to confess?DANNY
(whispers)
Yeah….Yes..I do…POLICE OFFICER #2
What?DANNY
I…hate…pigs!Danny spits in the cop’s face, showering him in blood.
Police Officer #2 erupts in anger, but before punches are thrown, he’s pulled off of Danny by his partner. EMT’S arrive, just in time.
CUT TO:
– Change subject.
Danny looks up, fear in his eyes. His voice is getting weaker by the second.
DANNY
Hey. I…remember you. You were here last time, right? Officer….Dumb and Dumber finally…solved the case…Police Officer #2 erupts in anger, but before punches are thrown, he’s pulled off of Danny by his partner. EMT’S arrive, just in time.
CUT TO:
– Question them.
Danny looks up, fear in his eyes. His voice is getting weaker by the second.
DANNY
You…you’d let…a kid die?POLICE OFFICER #2
I’d be doing the world a favor.DANNY
Portland’s finest…Oh, you should know…I wired this whole house…with camera’s. I just made you famous.Danny starts laughing.
Police Officer #2 erupts in anger, but before punches are thrown, he’s pulled off of Danny by his partner. EMT’S arrive, just in time.
CUT TO:
– Attack back.
Danny looks up, crazy building in his eyes until he explodes.
DANNY
Fuck you! I kill every fucking last one of you! Get these cuffs off me, pig!He pulls hard against his restraints. Blood forming at his wrists.
DANNY
I’ll fucking gut you, mother fuckers. Let me go!Police Officer #2 erupts in anger, but before punches are thrown, he’s pulled off of Danny by his partner. EMT’S arrive, just in time.
CUT TO:
– Complement them.
Danny looks up, the light in his eyes fading. His voice grows fainter by the second.
DANNY
Thank you….POLICE OFFICER #1
For what?DANNY
For…not catching me…the first time.Police Officer #2 erupts in anger, but before punches are thrown, he’s pulled off of Danny by his partner. EMT’S arrive, just in time.
CUT TO:
– Threaten them
Danny looks up, crazy building in his eyes until he explodes.
DANNY
You fucking idiots! Do you know who the fuck I am? You’re gonna pay for this?POLICE OFFICER #1
Kid, you keep screaming like that, you’re gonna pass out.He’s right. Danny’s losing consciousness fast.
DANNY
(weak)
I’ll…have…all…your jobs….Danny’s eye’s roll back as he starts convulsing.
POLICE OFFICER #1
(yells)
Where’s the fucking EMT’s?CUT TO:
– Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.
Danny looks up, the light in his eyes fading fast.
Police Officer #1
He must’ve been…living in the walls?DANNY
(whispers)
I just wanted…to be close…to her…POLICE OFFICER #2
Fuck sick, man. That’s a new level of mental illness. Hey…hey do you think he could be involved with that burglary up the street? All the shit in the house got moved around?Danny’s eyes roll back as he starts convulsing.
POLICE OFFICER #1
(yells)
Where’s the fucking EMT’s?CUT TO:
– Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a
different direction.Danny looks up, fear in his eyes.
DANNY
Thank God, you found me! I thought…I thought they were gonna kill me!POLICE OFFICER #1
Kill you?Danny’s voice grows weaker by the second.
DANNY
They…kept me…down here. Trapped….for months.POLICE OFFICER #2
What the fu…DANNY
Those girls…those girls are…dangerous. Thank God! Thank God, you found me!Danny’s eye’s roll back as he starts convulsing.
POLICE OFFICER #1
(yells)
Where’s the fucking EMT’s?CUT TO:
– Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.
Danny looks up, no fear in his eyes. He grins through the blood.
DANNY
Hey Pig? Is that boner on my back? I’ll suck your cock, if you let me go?Police Officer #2 erupts in anger, but before punches are thrown, he’s pulled off of Danny by his partner. EMT’S arrive, just in time.
CUT TO:
– Distraction.
Danny looks up, his eye’s spilling tears. But he’s not crying. He’s laughing.
DANNY
Go ahead. Let me die…just know I’ve kidnapped a three-year-old. If I die? She dies.He laughs even harder at the cop’s reaction.
Police Officer #2 erupts in anger, but before punches are thrown, he’s pulled off of Danny by his partner. EMT’S arrive, just in time.
CUT TO:
– Make a joke of it.
Danny looks up, his eyes burning fury.
DANNY
Tell me…if you had a black dick, would you beat it to death?Police Officer #2 erupts in anger, but before punches are thrown, he’s pulled off of Danny by his partner. EMT’S arrive, just in time.
– Continue the conversation as if nothing happened.
Danny looks up, light fading from his eyes. His breath comes in short gasps.
DANNY
Annie…she’ll be back…soon. We can…work…this all…out. No harm done.Sparky calms, sniffs at Danny on the floor.
DANNY
We…can…be…a family…again…Danny’s eye’s roll back in his head as he starts convulsing.
POLICE OFFICER #1
(yells)
Where’s the fucking EMT?CUT TO:
FINAL SCENE
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The house is swarmed with emergency services. Red and blue police lights illuminate the house as uniformed Police Officer’s search the yard with flashlights.
Firefighters are wrapping up.
INT. LIVING ROOM – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The Police investigation is under way. Evidence is being tagged with yellow numbers.
Police Officer #1 investigates the remains of a burned wedding dress as Police Officer #2 surveys the scene.
POLICE OFFICER #2
You think those girls did all this?POLICE OFFICER #1
Hard to say. But I wouldn’t rule it out.Looking out the window.
POLICE OFFICER #2
K-Nine Unit is here…INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Blackness.
From somewhere, the sound of a muffled dog, barking excitedly.
A sliver of light penetrates the dark, as the door is cracked, then swung open. OFFICER SPARKY, a focused German Shepard, barks intently down the stairs. Holding his leash is, OFFICER LOWE, 30s, chiseled face and muscles for days. He shines a light down the stairs.
OFFICER LOWE
God boy, Sparky. Good boy!
(beat)
He’s got a scent down these stairsPolice Officer #1 leads the way down, flashlight and gun at the ready. Police Officer #2 has his back, followed by Sparky and Officer Lowe.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Police! Makes yourself known, or we will release the dog!There’s no answer.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Funny how the evidence always leads down here…They reach the basement floor. The light switch doesn’t work.
Police Officer #1 shines the light around the room. It’s trashed. A pool of blood surrounds a chair in the center of the room
POLICE OFFICER #2
What did they use this time? Mustard?POLICE OFFICER #1
No sign of condiments. Something feels…wrong?Sparky pulls towards the chair in the center, sniffing the floor. They come upon a Jack’s severed fingers.
OFFICER LOWE
Whoa. Whoa, there, Sparky. Good boy.POLICE OFFICER #2
Oh, shit! That’s….that’s fucking gross!The dog catches the scent, BARKS, like mad. He drags Officer Lowe, towards the freezer. He holds Sparky back with all his might.
OFFICER LOWE
Over here!Police Officer #1 holsters his weapon and approaches the freezer, while his partner provides cover. He grips the handle, silently gives a three-finger countdown, then rips the freezer open.
The dog goes crazy.
Nothing but frozen meat and vegetables.
OFFICER LOWE
Damn it, Sparky! What? You want a burrito?The officers relax. The dog doesn’t. He continues to BARK at the freezer.
OFFICER LOWE
What’s up, boy?A light shines on the floor. Drops of blood and scrapes in the floor.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Hey…help me move this freezer?They pull the freezer away from the wall to reveal a cut out hole in the sheet rock.
Sparky barks and pulls hard. He wants in there.
The cops look at each other. Police Officer #1 draws his weapon.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Come out of there, with your hands up!There’s no response. Only more blood leading into the dark hole.
POLICE OFFICER #1
We know you’re in there, Danny. Come out, now!No response.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Hey, why don’t you poke your head in there?POLICE OFFICER #2
Fuck you. You poke your head in there…Officer Lowe laughs.
OFFICER LOWE
If you don’t come out now, I will release the dog. Believe me, pal…you don’t want that? Not if you enjoy having a face…For emphasis, Officer Lowe releases a foot of slack on Sparky’s leash. The dog snaps forward, barking ferociously. Saliva dripping from his gnashing teeth.
DANNY (O.S.)
Okay! Okay…please don’t…please don’t sic your dog on me!The officers back up, guns and flashlights poised on the hole in the wall.
POLICE OFFICER #2
Slowly!POLICE OFFICER #1
Let me see those hands!A pair of bloody and burned hands appear in the hole, followed by Danny’s face. He crawls through the hole, never breaking eye contact with the police officers.
DANNY
Keep that dog away from me!Danny stands up, the hatchet still embedded in his bleeding shoulder. The skin on his upper body and face have been burned. Those scars will never heal.
POLICE OFFICER #1
On your knees! Hands, behind your head! Do it, now!Danny complies with a smile on his face.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Now, lie down on your stomach. Hands behind your back! Cross your legs!Police Officer #2 holsters his weapon and moves in behind Danny, pulling his handcuffs. He puts a knee on his back, cuffing Danny’s left hand.
POLICE OFFICER #2
We got you…you sick fuck!POLICE OFFICER #1
(into radio)
Suspect is in custody. We’re gonna need the EMT’s.Blood continues to pour from Danny’s wound. He looks up into Sparky’s snarling mouth. His voice weaker by the second.
DANNY
Don’t…hurt…me. Please…POLICE OFFICER #2
After what you did to this poor family? Maybe we let this fucking pervert bleed out…Danny looks up, fear in his eyes. He looks weak. Close to death. Danny whisper’s something inaudible.
POLICE OFFICER #2
Huh?Danny mumbles again. Police Officer #2 leans close to Danny’s face.
OFFICER LOWE
I wouldn’t do that…POLICE OFFICER #2
You got something you want to confess?DANNY
(whispers)
Yeah….Yeah..I do…POLICE OFFICER #2
What?DANNY
I…hate…pigs!Danny spits in the cop’s face, showering him in blood.
Police Officer #2 erupts in anger, but before punches are thrown, he’s pulled off of Danny by his partner. EMT’S arrive, just in time.
CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand Dialogue Structures
What I learned: I learned three distinct dialogue structures and how they are used to bring more realism to your dialogue.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie sits on her bed with her back against the wall and her computer on her lap. She clicks send on a video message to Jocelyn.
It’s declined.
ANNIE
Whatever! I give up…She pushes the laptop away and squeezes her eyes shut.
Behind the wall, there’s a soft TAPPING, followed by a faint whisper.
Annie thinks she hears something.
GHOST VOICE
(whispers)
Aaaannniieee––The voice is interrupted by an incoming video chat. It’s Jocelyn.
Annie, takes a deep breath. She can’t seem too desperate so she picks up on the fourth ring.
Jocelyn appears on the computer screen. She seems preoccupied. Distant
JOCELYN
Hey.ANNIE
Hey.An awkward silence.
JOCELYN
So?ANNIE
So?JOCELYN
What’s up?ANNIE
Nothing…I guess?JOCELYN
Cool. Cool….so, um…I can’t see you anymore. My dad’s pretty pissed on account of…Jocelyn raises her arms, showing her casts.
ANNIE
Is that why you’re ghosting me?JOCELYN
I’m not ghosting you…I’ve been laid up. My dad came down on me, hard. Took all my shit. If anyone got ghosted…it’s me! You’re fucking mom pushed me down the stairs!Annie and Jocelyn face off. Emotion running hot.
ANNIE
What’s going on here, Jocelyn? What is this? What am I to you? Is this…is this some kind of game to you? Fuck with the broken girl?JOCELYN
Jesus, Annie. Calm the fuck down. Like, we just met. It’s not like we’re together, or anything.ANNIE
Right. I get it, now.JOCELYN
A’ight, then.ANNIE
So, all that talk about having your dad wrapped around your finger? All those rules you preach? The fuck you, take what’s yours attitude….it’s all for show? Are you fucking kidding me, right now?Annie begins to laugh.
INT. LIVING ROOM – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jessica sits alone on the couch with a blanket, engrossed in an eighties slasher movie.
The closet door hinges CREAK as the door pushes fully open.
Jessica feels like she’s being watched. She pulls her blanket up to her face.
JESSICA
Mom? Is that you?GHOST VOICE
I want you to join me, Jesssiiicccaaaa.Jessica screams and bolts upstairs.
INT. JOCELYN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jocelyn’s room is the the epitome of spoiled chic. She has everything, except the upperhand.
JOCELYN
He offered me a new car, Annie. A new fucking car!On Jocelyn’s laptop, Annie’s face melts into pure anger.
ANNIE
(angry)
A new car? A new fucking car!? I really liked myself around you!JOCELYN
Okay…whatever that means.Through the laptop screen, we see Annie’s bedroom door open. Jessica runs in.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica, scared out of her mind, taps Annie on the shoulder.
JESSICA
Annie! Annie!ANNIE
Shut up a second.JESSICA
But…there’s someone–ANNIE
–I said, shut the fuck up!Jessica recoils like she was hit. Annie turns her attention back to Jocelyn on the laptop.
ANNIE
I’m such a fucking idiot. I thought you were the coolest person I ever met! You gave me so much fucking courage. I believed you were real!INT. JOCELYN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jocelyn rolls her eyes at the laptop, but notices movement in the doorway behind Annie.
JOCELYN
Annie–ANNIE
–But you’re not! You’re just like everybody else! Using people. Manipulating them…Jocelyn leans closer. Straining her eyes at the shape, standing in the doorway. It watches Annie from the shadows.
JOCELYN
Annie…someone’s behind–ANNIE
–The truth is…You’re not cool at all! You pretend to be this rebellious fucking punk, but really you’re just a fucking poser!INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie leans back from the laptop screen. Adrenaline and anger, pumping through her veins. Jocelyn points to Annie’s bedroom door.
ANNIE
Well…like you said. I can’t see you anymore! So, fuck off!Annie moves to end the video chat.
JOCELYN
Someone’s in your house!CLICK. Chat ended.
Annie and Jocelyn slowly turns towards the door. No one is there.
A voice screams from downstairs.
GHOST VOICE (O.S.)
Annieeeee!Jessica jumps into Annie’s arms.
CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Anticipatory Dialogue
What I learned: I learned to use Anticipatory Dialogue to always leave them wanting more. Great tool to keep them turning the pages.
EXT. WOMEN’S RESTROOM – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Anne walks with purpose towards the restroom. Danny in hot pursuit.
ANNIE
I’ll just be a moment.DANNY
Oh…okay. Yeah. I’ll be right here.Annie disappears inside.
INT. WOMEN’S RESTROOM – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Annie closes the door to a stall and locks it. She sits on the toilet, clutching her bag to her chest. Her breaths come in heavy gasps. Full blown panic attack.
ANNIE
Why the fuck do I do this to myself?All at once, tears flood her eyes.
The stall door next to her closes. Annie catches a glimpse of punk rock boots. She tries to hold in her sobs. But it’s too much.
A voice from the next stall.
VOICE
Hey? You, okay?Annie shakes her head no.
ANNIE
Uh…yeah…I’m sorry.VOICE
Don’t be sorry. Never be sorry.Annie wipes her eyes with toilet paper. Steps out of the stall at the same time as voice in the next stall. It’s the girl from the Guidance Counselor’s Office.
JOCELYN
Hey! I know you…school, right?ANNIE
Yeah. You’re the girl from the front office. Your step-mom ever call your dad?Jocelyn laughs, as she checks her makeup in the mirror, before washing her hands.
JOCELYN
Becky? Fuck that bitch. She’s afraid of me.Annie washes her hands.
JOCELYN
What’s with the tears? Fair that bad?ANNIE
What? No…I mean…ughh. I’m kinda on a first date from hell.JOCELYN
Well, fuck that! Wanna bail? I got my step-mom’s Tesla.Annie is torn. She dries her hands, avoiding eye contact.
ANNIE
I really wanna sneak off with you in your step-mom’s Tesla…but I can’t. He’d kill me…JOCELYN
Whoa…is he abusive?ANNIE
No…no, just a bit handsy, I guess. I meant my dad would kill me. He’d think that’s rude.JOCELYN
Is he home?ANNIE
No, actually. He’s not.JOCELYN
What’s the problem then? Sounds like you have a real dilemma, here? Do you stay on your blind date with Mr. Handsy, while he tries to hide the boner he hopes you’ll touch later?ANNIE
Eww.JOCELYN
Or do you ditch him for the mysterious new girl with a fat blunt in her pocket? Shit’ll blow your mind, girl.Annie hesitates. There’s something about her that’s addicting.
DANNY (O.S.)
Everything, okay in there?Annie covers her mouth, to hide her laugh.
ANNIE
Sorry. That last ride really didn’t sit well…JOCELYN
Let’s get out of here.Jocelyn extends her hand. Annie takes it.
The girls run out the opposite door.
EXT. WOMEN’S RESTROOM – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Danny waits nervously, by the bathroom door, checking the face of every girl that exits.
A BLONDE WOMAN exits. Danny stops her.
DANNY
Hey, did you see a girl in there? Uh…she was wearing a uh…beanie.BLONDE WOMAN
Sorry.Danny begins to panic. He screams into the bathroom.
DANNY
Annie! Annie? I’m coming in.Without hesitation, Danny disappears inside.
CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Contrasting Scene
What I learned: I learned that contrasting dialogue and scene action can really elevate dialogue and subtext.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica flee the house, screaming. They cut across the lawn towards the Clark’s house.
EXT. FRONT PORCH – CLARK’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie pounds on the door as Jessica clings to her. Both girls are scared shitless.
JESSICA
Knock again! They’re old!Annie pounds the door again.
ANNIE
Help! It’s Annie and Jessica! Please! Open up! Help!A light turns on. The door unlocks and opens on Larry, in his bathrobe.
LARRY
My heavens, girls. What on earth?ANNIE
Please! You’ve got to help us! Something’s in our house!INT. LIVING ROOM – CLARK’S HOUSE
Annie and Jessica sit together on a couch, wrapped in a blanket. Looming over them is a wall filled with the Clark’s family photos. A large wooden cross sits dead center.
Annie scowls at their smiling faces.
Karen enters with tea and sets it on the coffee table.
KAREN
A nice cup of tea. That’s what you need, sweeties. Calm ya’ right down.ANNIE
I don’t want your…we really should call the police!KAREN
Now, I insist. Tea is good for the soul. Larry should be back soon.Jessica tugs on Annie sleeve.
JESSICA
(whispers)
Can I have some tea?ANNIE
Yeah, of course.Annie hands Jessica a cup of tea. She takes a sip and tries not to smile.
JESSICA
That is good.The front door BURSTS open. It’s only Larry and his bathrobe.
Annie stands up.
ANNIE
Well?Larry shrugs.
LARRY
I looked around. Other than the picture frames, everything looked fine to me. Doors and windows were all closed and locked. I even searched the closets.KAREN
See? Sometimes what we fear most…is our own imaginations.LARRY
I’ll try your dad, again.He dials out on a landline phone.
ANNIE
We didn’t imagine those pictures flying off the wall.JESSICA
There’s an angry spirit in our house. I think it’s our mom…KAREN
Nonsense. What you need is a good talk with Jesus, missy.Larry hangs up.
LARRY
Straight to voicemail. Well, I guess we just wait. He’ll call back. He always does.ANNIE
You got a phone book? I usually start with calling his favorite bars.Karens mouth falls open.
INT. MEETING HALL – NIGHT
CLOSE ON Jack’s face. Sweat beads on his forehead. His voice is solemn, almost weak.
JACK
Man, I love the smell of a dive bar. You know? That heavy aroma of cheap beer and sweat. After a long day of back breaking work. The first taste of that ice cold beer…it’s the fucking best. Let’s start with that and follow it up with a shot of crown. Fuck it, make that two shots. Just keep drinking till I blackout.Jack looks down at his cell phone in his hands. It’s Larry. He sends it to voicemail.
JACK
The hardest part has been keeping this from my daughters. The way they look at me. Those…accusing eyes. Why? Why do I do it? Sneaking around like a god damn teenager. I’m’ a fucking adult. I don’t have to fucking sneak. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid? I don’t want them to see me like this. Weak. Broken. Some days it’s all I can do from…from…Jack looks up at the circle of people, seated around him.
JACK
Fuck!
(sighs)
All I know is I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since my wife died. God knows I want to. Everyday. But…I can’t. Not anymore. Thank you.The group claps, a few cry. The MODERATOR nods his approval.
MODERATOR
Keep walking the path, Jack and work those steps. Thank you for sharing. Who’d like to go next?Jack’s phone buzzes again.
JACK
Excuse me, I really need to take this.INT. HALLWAY – MEETING HALL – NIGHT
Jack stands, shoulders slumped in defeat. His cell pressed firmly to his ear.
JACK
Ah fuck. Thanks, Larry. I’ll be right there.CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s World View Scene
What I learned: I learned that giving a character a world view can make it easier to write dialogue. It’s like a roadmap to their mindset.
Character Name: Annie Andrews
World View: Life is shit, so what’s the point?
Life Metaphor: I’ll do it tomorrow
Rules and Strategies: Don’t leave the house. If you leave the house…bring an attitude. If they give you attitude, cry.
Justifications: My mom just died. I’d rather to be alone.Character Name: Jocelyn Wilcox
World View: The world is mine.
Life Metaphor: Fuck the rules
Rules and Strategies:
– I don’t take shit…from anyone. Your dad. Your teachers…anyone!
– I don’t give a shit… Boy giving you a hassle? Fuck his feelings, there’s a million others out there.
– I run this shit. You’re the queen, bitch, so take what’s yours. Don’t take no for an answer.
Justifications: My dad’s got money. Who’s gonna stop me? I’m worth it.SCENE
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
CLOSE ON Annie’s cell. The screen shows thirty-one unread messages from Danny
Music plays from a blue tooth speaker.
The girls sit facing each other on Annie’s bed, by an open window.
Jocelyn, leans against the wall, a joint hangs seductively from her lips.
JOCELYN
I can’t believe he catfished you. What a creep. Lemme see the photo he sent you.Annie pulls it up the photo of a blonde, muscular jock. Jocelyn raises her eyebrows.
ANNIE
Dude gave me a bouquet of gas station flowers.JOCELYN
Aww, bless his weird little heart.Looking at the photo on Annie’s phone.
JOCELYN (CONTINUED)
Wow…so that does it for you, huh?ANNIE
Not really…he was just supposed to be a friend. He got me through a tough time at my grandparents.JOCELYN
How’d you meet?ANNIE
He hit me up on snap.JOCELYN
Ewww. You went out with a snap stranger?ANNIE
It wasn’t like that…we talked for months, online. He had me completely fooled.JOCELYN
Never on video chat? The red flags on this, girl?ANNIE
I dunno? I guess…I guess I needed the distraction? My dad was MIA and there’s only so much home improvement shows you can watch with grandma…JOCELYN
Where’d he go?ANNIE
Fucker probably took a tropical vacation. An All-inclusive six-month bender in in Mexico…JOCELYN
Damn, Annie…Annie moves to change the subject.
ANNIE
Where’d you move from?JOCELYN
Shit, my dad moves us around a lot. Spent some time in Tennessee. Last stop was North Carolina. He keeps threatening Alaska. I’d lose my shit!Annie smiles. She hasn’t been this happy in months.
JOCELYN (CONTINUED)
I’m we stay awhile, now…Annie blushes.
ANNIE
You gonna let me hit that?A flirtatious smile on Jocelyn’s face as she looks Annie up and down.
JOCELYN
I’m thinking about it…For a moment, it’s awkward.
Annie feels Jocelyn’s gaze. Can’t bring herself to make eye contact, when her phone rings. Danny’s calling. Annie sends him to voicemail.
JOCELYN
You smoke weed before?Annie lies.
ANNIE
Yeah. Like, all the time…JOCELYN
You ever shotgun it?ANNIE
You mean, like a beer?JOCELYN
Lean forward…ANNIE
Why?JOCELYN
Just do it.Annie rolls her eyes, but she’s into it. She leans in close.
JOCELYN (CONTINUED)
Now. Close your eyes and open your mouth. When I blow…you inhale.Annie eyes her suspiciously.
ANNIE
Okay.She closes her eyes and parts her lips. Her hands are trembling.
Jocelyn takes a big hit and holds it. She leans in close to Annie. Their lips almost touching.
CLOSE ON Annie’s arms as her skin is peppered with goosebumps.
Jocelyn blows smoke hard into Annie’s mouth.
JOCELYN
Now hold it.Annie holds her breath for as long as she can, then coughs the smoke out hard.
Jocelyn laughs.
JOCELYN (CONTINUED)
Dat’s da good shit!Annie composes herself. Her eyes red and blotchy. She leans back and stares at the ceiling.
Jocelyn takes another hit and blows it out the window.
ANNIE
Wow…like…where am I, right now?JOCELYN
Where do you want to be? If you could be anywhere?Annie thinks on it for a beat. Her phone rings again. Straight to voicemail.
ANNIE
Anywhere. Far from fucking here. Life is shit, here.Annie’s phone rings again. Again, straight to voicemail.
JOCELYN
You’re mom…That’s rough, girl.ANNIE
I miss her. I just keep thinking…all I did was take her for granted. Now’s she gone and I have to go through this miserable experience without her.JOCELYN
I think the people we love…they live on inside of us. As long as we remember them, they live––Annie’s phone rings again.
JOCELYN (CONTINUED)
God damn it! Just tell the guy to go fuck himself, Annie.ANNIE
I…can’t do that. I don’t want to hurt his feelings.JOCELYN
I think it’s time I introduced you to ya’ girl’s rules for living.ANNIE
Oh…I already have my rules. One, don’t leave the house. That’s it…Works pretty good.JOCELYN
No, no, no. You haven’t tapped into full goddess mode. Let’s me educate you, sister.Jocelyn, takes another hit. She’s serious about this.
JOCELYN (CONTINUED)
Rule number one…Don’t give a shit…That dude giving you a hassle? Fuck his feelings. He’s beneath you and there’s a million other people, waiting to treat you like the queen you are!ANNIE
Yeah, I’m holding auditions Tuesday.JOCELYN
Rule number two…Don’t take shit…from anyone! Your dad…your teachers…the sweaty boys at school…anyone! No one gets to talk down to you. Ever…ANNIE
Am I supposed to be writing this down?JOCELYN
And finally…the most important rule. Number three…You run this shit! Be the Queen Bitch! Take what’s yours. Don’t take no for answer. I got my dad wrapped around my freshly manicured finger. I can do whatever the fuck I want…when I want.
(sweetly)
Daddy’s little princess gets whatever she wants.ANNIE
That ain’t me…Annie’s phone rings, but before she can send it to voicemail, Jocelyn swoops it up and answers.
JOCELYN
Hello? Hey! Danny! What’s up, bro? What? Nah, man…Annie doesn’t want to talk to you. Like ever. Be a good boy now and fuck off…m’kay?CLICK.
Annie is stunned and then busts up. The girls fall over each other in a fit of laughter.
They sit up when they find Jessica, standing next to the bed.
Jocelyn stubs out the joint and hides it.
ANNIE
What is it?Jessica points downstairs.
JESSICA
The voice in the closet says you want to die….The stoned teenagers just stare in confusion.
JESSICA
It smells like a stunk in here…Annie and Jessica erupt into a volcano of giggles.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand Character Traits Live
What I learned: I learned to turn up the volume and let loose with my character traits.
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Depressed
Sarcastic
Angry
SuperiorJack Andrews – Supporting Character
Haunted
Foul Mouthed
Traditional
ProtectiveINT. HEAD OFFICE – HIGH SCHOOL – MORNING
They call it rush hour; the last few minutes before the morning bell. A steady flow of students and parents shuffle in and out.
The phone rings off the hook, as the Front Desk Aide fights with a group of unruly boys.
Amidst the chaos, sits Annie and Jack. Side by side, but they couldn’t be any farther apart. Both stare at a door marked: GUIDANCE COUNSELOR. Both want to be elsewhere.
Behind the door, the unmistakable sound of an argument.
JOCELYN (O.S.)
(angry)
Oh…sure! Side with the fascist!BECKY (O.S.)
Shall I call your dad? Is that what you want!?JOCELYN (O.S.)
(screams)
I want you to remember, you’re not my mom!The door BURSTS open to reveal JOCELYN WILCOX, 17. Professional new kid. Her pink hair, nose ring and punk t-shirt scream teenage rebel. Her current attitude: Fuck you.
For Annie, it’s love at first site.
BECKY
That’s it, young lady! I’m calling…JOCELYN
Do whatever the fuck you want, Becky. I’m outta here…Jocelyn catches Annie staring and winks as she slides on a pair of sunglasses. She storms off, as her Step-mom chases after her.
In the doorway, stands ROBIN WILKES, 50s, overworked and underpaid. Guidance Counselor extraordinaire. She wears years of experience on her denim vested shoulders.
ROBIN
Uh…yeah…sorry to keep you waiting. Please, come in.Annie and Jack both sigh.
INT. ROBIN’S OFFICE – HIGH SCHOOL – MORNING
Certificates and awards line the wall, along with family photos that haven’t been updated in a while. Important looking books line a cheap bookshelf.
Robin, sits at her desk, behind a complicated mess of paperwork. A large coffee mug reads: World’s Okayest Guidance Counselor.
Annie and Jack sit far apart. Annie, focused on a polaroid collage of former students.
ROBIN
Yes…uh…Robin checks the name on her file.
ROBIN (CONTINUED)
Mr. Andrew’s, I’ve invited you here to talk about Annie’s….future at John F. Kennedy High.Annie rolls her eyes.
ANNIE
Do I have to be here for this?ROBIN
I’d like you to be a part of the conversation, Annie. Your voice is important!ANNIE
Like I get a say in any of this.JACK
Let her talk, Annie.ROBIN
Mr. Andrew’s, I know that your family has suffered an immeasurable loss.JACK
Jack. Call me Jack.ROBIN
Okay. Jack. I’m very sorry. You’ve been through a lot.JACK
Thank you.ROBIN
In a previous meeting with me, Annie made a comment that her family has become…She checks her notes again.
ROBIN (CONTINUED)
Absolutely miserable.Annie shoots her a look of disgust.
ANNIE
That’s not what I said! God! I said I my family has always been miserable.Jack shoots Annie a sharp look.
JACK
You told a stranger that your family is miserable? Why the fuck would you do that?ANNIE
(angry)
I don’t know? Maybe because you dumped Jessica and I off with Grandma and Grandpa and disappeared for six months?Jack looks away embarrassed. His eyes haunted with memory.
JACK
I…I had to figure out some things out.ANNIE
It would’ve been nice to get a phone call!JACK
(angry)
Oh poor you! Life’s so fucking hard…Did you have a roof over your head? Did you have food on your plate? Did Grandpa beat you!?Tension is escalating. Robin steps in to redirect the conversation.
ROBIN
Let’s not get off track here, guys…ANNIE
See? Every time I try and talk to him, he jumps up on that holy cross of bullshit! Like you’re somehow better than me…ROBIN
As you know, the school made an exception and allowed Annie to move to online school. It’s been seven months…in that time, Annie’s grades have slipped from a four point oh grade point average, down to a two point five.JACK
(shocked)
What?ANNIE
Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it under control. I’ll get them up before the end of the year.ROBIN
No one is judging you, Annie.JACK
I am. I’m judging.ANNIE
(angry)
Well, excuse me…but I don’t give a shit what you think, okay? I’m an adult in three months, I won’t be your problem anymore!JACK
Well for those three months–ROBIN
–I think it’s time that Annie came back to the live classroom. I think she could really benefit from real live social interaction.ANNIE
(laughs)
Fuck that! I’m staying at home.JACK
Annie…can’t you just be normal and go to real school, like everyone else?Annie shakes her head, insulted and ready to explode.
ANNIE
If I could be normal, then trust me, I would! But I’m not coming back to this hell hole.JACK
I think Mrs. Wilkes is right. You barely eat. You never leave the house. You’re like a ghost I see in passing…I think you do need some social inter–ANNIE
–I’m going on a date this Friday!Jack is caught off guard. Robin’s eyes light up with excitement.
ROBIN
Oh! Wow! That’s wonderful, Annie!JACK
Hmm. With who?ANNIE
With a boy I met online. His name is Danny.JACK
Online?Annie’s eyes fill with emotion. Tears begin to fall and when she speaks her voice waivers.
ANNIE
Please. Please don’t send me back. I just…I just don’t think I’m ready. The kids here….The kids are so brutal. If…if…one kid says something about my…about my…mom…I don’t think I could…keep it together!Robin feels for her, pushes a box of tissue closer to Annie. Annie pulls a few and dabs her eyes.
ROBIN
Alright…We’ll continue with the online school, for now. But Annie, I need you to reengage. Let’s get those grades up. You and I both know you can do it.Annie cries even harder.
ANNIE
I will. I swear!JACK
I’ll make sure to check in more at home.Robin claps while checking the clock.
ROBIN
This! This is good. See what a little communication can do? I love it.Jack gives a fake smile.
ROBIN
I’m sorry, I do have another family coming in. But…let’s do this. Annie, I want to meet with you every…let’s say…Monday, at nine. That way we can talk. Chart your progress.Annie buries her face in her hands, crying hard into her palms.
JACK
I’ll make sure she’s there. Thank you for your time.ROBIN
Of course. We all want what’s best for Annie.Annie stands up and leaves in a huff.
INT. HEAD OFFICE – HIGH SCHOOL – MORNING
The counselor door flies open. As Annie emerges, her sad and tearful face turns to a look of mocking brilliance. She got what she wanted.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand Great Dialogue Scene from Good Will Hunting
What I learned: I learned what makes dialogue great. That dialogue is not a substitute for story.
EXT. BOSTON COMMON — MINUTES LATER
Sean and Will sit in the bleachers at the mostly empty park.
They look out over a small pond, in which a group of
schoolchildren on a field trip ride the famous Swan Boats.
WILL
So what’s with this place? You have a swan fetish? Is this something you’d like to talk about?SEAN
I was thinking about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. I stayed up half the night thinking about it and then something occurred to me and I fell into a deep peaceful sleep and haven’t thought about you since. You know what occurred to me?WILL
No.SEAN
You’re just a boy. You don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about.WILL
Why thank you.SEAN
You’ve never been out of Boston.WILL
No.NOTE: This whole monologue completely tears Will down and reveals that you can’t learn everything from a book. There’s something hauntingly beautiful about this speech. It reveals everything we would need to know about Sean. Sean has laid bare his soul in an attempt to connect with Will.
SEAN
So if I asked you about art you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written… Michelangelo? You know a lot about him I bet. Life’s work, criticisms, political aspirations. But you couldn’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You’ve never stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. And if I asked you about women I’m sure you could give me a syllabus of your personal favorites, and maybe you’ve been laid a few times too. But you couldn’t tell me how it feels to wake up next to a woman and be truly happy. If I asked you about war you could refer me to a bevy of fictional and non-fictional material, but you’ve never been in one. You’ve never held your best friend’s head in your lap and watched him draw his last breath, looking to you for help. And if I asked you about love I’d get a sonnet, but you’ve never looked at a woman and been truly vulnerable. Known that someone could kill you with a look. That someone could rescue you from grief. That God had put an angel on Earth just for you. And you wouldn’t know how it felt to be her angel. To have the love be there for her forever. Through anything, through cancer. You wouldn’t know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand and not leaving because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term “visiting hours” didn’t apply to you. And you wouldn’t know about real loss, because that only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself, and you’ve never dared to love anything that much. I look at you and I don’t see an intelligent confident man, I don’t see a peer, and I don’t see my equal. I see a boy. Nobody could possibly understand you, right Will? Yet you presume to know so much about me because of a painting you saw. You must know everything about me. You’re an orphan, right?Will nods quietly.
SEAN
Do you think I would presume to know the first thing about who you are because I read “Oliver Twist?” And I don’t buy the argument that you don’t want to be here, because I think you like all the attention you’re getting. Personally, I don’t care. There’s nothing you can tell me that I can’t read somewhere else. Unless we talk about your life. But you won’t do that. Maybe you’re afraid of what you might say.Sean stands,
SEAN
It’s up to you.And walks away.
CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Final Scene
Character Name: Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Annie dates boys, to hide her true sexuality because she craves acceptance from her narrow-minded father.Character Name: Jocelyn Wilcox – Supporting Character
Subtext Logline: Jocelyn is a spoiled army brat, who seduces Annie from her repressed lifestyle, but secretly her rebellious actions are a desperate cry for attention for her emotionally distant father.SUBTEXT DESIGN: Something is off.
Background: After getting caught having a séance and getting into a screaming match with her father, Annie retreats to her bedroom in a fit of rage, only to discover she’s not alone.
INT. ANNIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie SLAMS the door behind her, her eyes a storm of pain and emotion. She crosses the room to her vanity. Leans over and stares hard at herself. Furious, she sweeps the entire contents of her vanity to the floor and screams.
CLOSET POV
The closet door slowly opens and we step through, approaching Annie from behind.
A hand reaches out, touches Annie’s shoulder.
Annie SCREAMS, as she spins around.
END POV
She’s relieved to find Jocelyn.
ANNIE
You stayed!Annie loses it. All the pain. All the stress, anxiety and anger, releases like a pressure cooker. She falls into Jocelyn’s arms, sobbing.
JOCELYN
Of course, I stayed! I wasn’t gonna leave you here alone!ANNIE
He…hates me…my dad…he fucking hates me….Jocelyn pulls Annie down next to her on the bed. Annie leans her head on Jocelyn’s shoulder.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
He…thinks I killed my mom…..I killed my mom!JOCELYN
Shhh…he doesn’t think that. You didn’t!ANNIE
(screams)
She fucking blames me!Jocelyn pulls her close. Kisses her forehead.
JOCELYN
Don’t say that…that’s bullshit and you know it…ANNIE
You heard the knocks….she blames me! I killed her and she blames me!JOCELYN
It was an accident, Annie. You didn’t kill your mom.Embarrassed, Annie sits up, composes herself. She reaches for some tissue on her nightstand. Turns away from Jocelyn.
ANNIE
I’m sorry. I…don’t know what came over me…JOCELYN
You don’t have to be sorry. Your dad was a real dick.ANNIE
He was shit faced…JOCELYN
You don’t deserve that.ANNIE
Yes, I do.JOCELYN
You sound just like your dad.ANNIE
(angry)
I was fucking driving!JOCELYN
It happened! But it…doesn’t define you. It doesn’t define who you are. You get to be anyone you want. It’s your life.ANNIE
Yeah, right. Not in this family––Without warning, Jocelyn kisses Annie on the mouth. Annie melts. She pulls back and rests her head on Jocelyn’s forehead. Catching her breath.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
Wow.JOCELYN
I’ve wanted to do that since the moment I met you.ANNIE
Why didn’t you?Jocelyn shrugs, then falls backwards on the bed. Annie lays down next to her, locking eyes.
In the background, a pale white hand with red fingernail polish and a hint of white lace reaches out of the dark closet and closes the door to just a crack. Something is watching.
CLOSET POV
Through the crack, Annie and Jocelyn talk on the bed. Jocelyn rubs Annie’s arm.
END POV
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
Do you think I’m a weirdo?There’s a moment of contemplation.
JOCELYN
Well….yeah. But to be fair, we’re all weirdos.ANNIE
Is it weird that I didn’t cry…at my mom’s funeral? I just…everyone was staring and…JOCELYN
Like…cry, bitch, cry?ANNIE
I couldn’t.JOCELYN
Fuck them. We all process grief differently. That’s not weird.ANNIE
I’m so tired of pretending. My whole life has been a performance. Pretending to be someone I’m not…JOCELYN
What if I told you, you didn’t have to pretend anymore?ANNIE
My father would die.JOCELYN
He’d get used to it.ANNIE
I couldn’t do that…JOCELYN
You are stronger than you think. Look, I’m not trying to compare this to your mom dying…because nothing will ever top that…but when my mom left my dad….I was devastated. Even worse when my mom told me I had to live with my dad.ANNIE
What? Why?JOCELYN
Cause she’s a bitch. But…I learned from that hurt. It was the last time I ever let anyone hurt me. Now I run this shit. Got my dad wrapped around my finger and my bitch ass stepmom lives in fear of me. The secret to life is to live it with zero fucks given. ZFG, baby.ANNIE
ZFG…Annie leans in for another kiss.
CLOSET POV
The hand with red nails pushes the door open, just a little more and watches as Annie and Jocelyn make out. The hand balls into a fist of rage.
END OF POV
BANG, BANG, BANG from behind the closet door, before it SLAMS shut.
Annie jumps straight to her feet, scared shitless. Jocelyn stands up next to her.
JOCELYN
What the fuck was that?ANNIE
Hello?Silence from the closet.
They take a few steps towards the closet.
ANNIE
Jessica, that better not be you in there. I’ll wring your little neck.Annie reaches out for the door knob, but it begins to turn on its own.
JOCELYN
Stop. Look, look, look!She points to the knob, but it stops turning. Frozen in terror, you could hear a pin drop. Then. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG.
Annie throws open the door, just as the hand with red nails disappears behind the hanging clothes.
JOCELYN
No. Fucking. Way.ANNIE
Mom?Trembling, Annie parts her hanging clothes. The closet is empty.
Written in lipstick on the inner door: WHORES!
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie watches Jocelyn sleep as the first signs of sunlight peek through the window. Sensing her gaze, Jocelyn blinks her eyes open.
JOCELYN
Good morning.ANNIE
Good morning. Thanks for staying the night.Jocelyn nods while in the middle of a good stretch.
JOCELYN
I don’t care that your house is haunted.ANNIE
Don’t say that…JOCELYN
What time is it?ANNIE
A little after nine, I think…Jocelyn sighs.
JOCELYN
Queen Bitch Becky will be here soon.ANNIE
What do you want to do today?JOCELYN
Tell your dad.Annie’s eyes go wide.
ANNIE
That’s not funny.JOCELYN
When are you going to stop giving a fuck? It’s so liberating.ANNIE
So, your dad knows that you’re a… you’re a… lesbian?Jocelyn busts up laughing.
JOCELYN
Oh my God! You are so cute! Lesbian? Wow….I mean…I’m not a thirty-three-year-old, Subaru driving soccer mom with a rainbow sticker. I don’t believe in labels, Annie. I just like who I like. My dad gets no say in the matter…and he knows it!ANNIE
He…doesn’t care?JOCELYN
He’s not around enough to care…ANNIE
That must feel amazing.JOCELYN
ZFG.A car HONKS from the driveway. Jocelyn looks out the window.
JOCELYN (CONTINUED)
Gotta go. I’ll text you.Jocelyn scoops up her backpack and leans in for a long kiss goodbye.
ANNIE
You better!Annie watches her leave.
INT. HALLWAY – MORNING
Jocelyn closes Annie’s door and smiles. She makes her way to the stairs, when a flash of white from Jessica’s room startles her.
Dirty white hands with red nails on her shoulders.
JOCELYN’S POV
She’s falling, head first, hitting the stairs hard. Over and over.
Blackness.
Eye’s blink open. Vision is blurred.
Looking up, passed a pair of broken arms bent at horrific angles, to the top of the stair. There stands the blurry image of a WOMAN IN WHITE. Her face hidden behind a veil.
END JOCELYN’S POV
Jocelyn, broken and bleeding, lays in a hump at the bottom of the stairs. She lets out a blood curdling scream.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Annie’s eyes shoot open as Jocelyn screams from downstairs.
ANNIE
Jocelyn!Annie scans the floor, her eyes find sweatpants.
INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
Annie bursts into the empty hallway and looks down the stairs. Jocelyn writhes in pain.
ANNIE
Oh fuck! Jocelyn!Annie barrels down the stairs and assesses the situation.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
Oh shit. Oh shit. I..gotta…I gotta call nine, one, one!Jocelyn tries to speak. Blood pours from her mouth.
JOCELYN
A..a..annie…Annie…ANNIE
Try not to speak. I gotta call for help. I’ll be right back.JOCELYN
Annie!ANNIE
I’m here. I’m here! What…what is it?Annie leans her ear close to Jocelyn’s lips.
JOCELYN
It…was…your…mom!She can barely get the last word out, before she loses consciousness.
CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Meanings
What I learned: I learned the Structure of Multiple Meanings
Setup: This scene takes place directly after the climax, where Danny attacked Jack, severing his left hand. Jack has survived his encounter with Danny and is recuperating in a hospital bed. With Annie by his side, they learn from a Police Detective that Danny has been living in their walls for months.
INT. JACK’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Annie sits by Jack’s bedside, holding his uninjured hand.
A burley DETECTIVE, late 40s, skims through his notes. His permanent frown hidden by a bushy mustache. He hates this part of the job.
DETECTIVE
We caught him…inside the house.A mountain of tension releases from Annie’s shoulders.
DETECTIVE (CONTINUED)
There’s no easy way to say this… It appears…it appears that he had been…living inside your walls…Jack bolts upright. Pain shooting through his body. Annie squeezes Jacks hand, tighter.
JACK
What?!DETECTIVE
We found him…in a crawl space that runs up the center of your house, Jack.JACK
I…think…there used to be a chimney…INT. BASEMENT – DAY
The freezer has been pulled away from the wall, revealing a small access hole.
DETECTIVE (O.S.)
He was pretty crafty.A uniformed Police Officer leans into the hole.
INT. WALL – BASEMENT – DAY
The office shines a flashlight up the wall framing and sees a crudely built ladder
INT. WALL – DAY – FLASHBACK
Danny hammers a nail into a two by four block of wood. His ladder is taking shape.
DETECTIVE (O.S.)
He built himself ladders and a series of perches, up through the wall.INT. JACKS’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack squeezes his eyes shut with dawning recognition.
JACK
(to himself)
My missing tools…DETECTIVE
No sign of forced entry. We think he got in through an open window.INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY – FLASHBACK
Annie enters her room and finds the window open. She closes it without thinking.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY – FLASHBACK
Danny swipes the money from the refrigerator, then opens it and cracks a beer.
DETECTIVE (O.S.)
Then made himself right at home.INT. ANNIE’S CLOSET – DAY – FLASHBACK
DANNY’S POV:
Hands remove a precut portion of sheetrock, revealing the interior of Annie’s closet. Dipping through the whole, Danny approaches the closet door and carefully opens it.
We see, Annie casually disrobing.
DETECTIVE (O.S.)
He had access holes cut into every closet in the house.Annie feels something watching her and covers herself. Danny backs away from the door crack.
INT. WALL – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
Close on Danny’s eye, looking through a peephole.
DANNY’S POV
Annie sleeps soundly on the other side of the wall.
DETECTIVE (O.S.)
Not to mention all the peepholes. He had eyes on every room of the house.END DANNY’S POV
Danny leaves his perch by Annie’s room and climbs to a different peephole.
DANNY’S POV
Through the peephole, we see Jessica. She hears something and bolts upright in bed.
END DANNY’S POV
A smile creeps across Danny’s face.
INT. JACK’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Annie’s face, pure revulsion.
Fire burns under Jack’s skin. That kid is dead.
JACK
I’m gonna kill him!ANNIE
You’re telling me, he…he watched me? He…spied…JACK
(angry)
So…it wasn’t a ghost, after all? Just a god damn psycho living in our fucking walls!?INT. WALL – BASEMENT – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
Danny watches the séance through a peephole. He’s having a blast.
ARMANDO (O.S.)
Mrs. Andrews, if that is you, give us a sign of your presence.From upstairs, a door SLAMS, followed by the sound of footsteps walking across the house.
Danny looks up towards the sound, climbs the ladder and squeezes through the wall towards the living room peephole.
DANNY’S POV
Through the hole, we see Jack. Home early.
INT. JACK’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Annie’s face is a tornado of confusion.
ANNIE
All of the noises. The banging sounds. The missing items…all of it, was Danny?INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
Annie and Jessica flee as family picture frames fly off the wall.
INT. WALL – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
Danny slams nails embedded in the sheet rock with a brick.
INT. JACK’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
The Detective nods.
INT. WALL – BASEMENT – DAY
Investigators begin logging evidence.
Photo flash on food wrappers.
Photo flash on bottles filled with urine
DETECTIVE
Judging by the food wrappers and bottles filled with urine and…other things…A photo flashes on a bottle of hand lotion and a pile of tissues.
INT. JACK’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
The Detective checks his watch. He’s late for an interview.
DETECTIVE
All evidence suggests he’d been living in your house for months.JACK
That son of a bitch! That sick fuck!Jack turns to Annie.
JACK (CONTINUED)
I’m so sorry, Annie. I’m so sorry! I should’a believed you. I should’a…ANNIE
I…I don’t understand. Why? Why do this?The detective checks his notes.
DETECTIVE
This kid…he’s uh…well? He’s been through some shit. Abuse, both physically and sexually. Long rap sheet of burglaries. At some point he discovered he liked playing games with his victims. Breaking in. Moving stuff around…this is just an escalation.JACK
An escalation!? That kid is homicidal.DETECTIVE
Don’t worry. Once he’s outta here–ANNIE
–He’s fucking here!?DETECTIVE
You did drive a hatchet into his shoulder…Listen, he’s under guard. He can’t hurt you anymore. I’ll be in touch, soon…Annie watches the Detective leave. Ideas forming in her mind.
JACK
That kid is dead. When I get my hands on him…ANNIE
I feel bad for him…JACK
Bad! You feel bad?ANNIE
I don’t know…maybe I… maybe I led him on in some way?JACK
No. Don’t do that. Don’t take the blame for him.Annie looks down at her hands. Shaking in her lap. It’s now or never.
ANNIE
Pops, I…need to tell you something. I’ve been meaning to tell you…JACK
You can tell me anything.ANNIE
I don’t like boys.Pain shoots through Jack’s body, as he stifles a laugh.
JACK
After Danny, I don’t blame you.ANNIE
No. I mean…like ever. I’ve never liked boys.She lets it sink in, as dawning realization blooms across Jack’s face.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
I’m gay, pops.Jack’s smile fades as tears fill his eyes.
JACK
I love you, kid. I’ve always loved you. No matter who you love, nothing is ever going to change that, okay? You are my daughter. The light of my life and I love you. More than anything…Annie tears up.
ANNIE
Love is love.JACK
I think a part of me has always known. Wow…look at us? Having a conversation and not screaming at each other.ANNIE
Don’t push it…CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Directional FOS Pattern
What I learned: I learned the 6 Figure of Speech patterns for subtext and how to weave them into a scene.
Background: Jocelyn is in the hospital with two broken arms, after being “pushed” down the stairs at Annie’s house. After walking in on Annie and Jocelyn kissing, George Wilcox has asked to speak with Annie in private.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – DAY
Annie follows George into the hallway. The door clicks behind them.
ANNIE
Mr. Wilcox, I’m sorry that we had to meet like–George spins and cuts Annie off with a finger in her face.
GEORGE
–General Wilcox! General!Annie gulps.
ANNIE
Sorry…General…Wilcox. I truly am sorry.George leans in. Lowers his voice.
GEORGE
Sorry? Yes. I’m sure you are. Tell me, Annie, is it?ANNIE
Yes, sir.GEORGE
Do you consider yourself smart, Annie?ANNIE
Uh…smart, sir?GEORGE
Intelligence, Annie? Do you have it?Suddenly Annie feels small, intimidated by the medals on his chest.
ANNIE
I…like to think, so sir.GEORGE
Good, then you should have no trouble understanding what I’m about to tell you…ANNIE
Sir?George’s face becomes hard and mean.
GEORGE
I see right through you. The way you look at her? Makes me sick…ANNIE
Sir…I don’t–GEORGE
I don’t need you filling my daughters head with anymore of your depraved homosexual ideas. You got me?ANNIE
Sir, I don’t think you know your daughter as well as you think––In a flash of movement, George pins Annie against the wall. A hand firmly gripping her arm.
ANNIE
You’re hurting me!GEORGE
I’ll do a lot worse if you come around my daughter again. You little gutter trash whore! I forbid you from seeing Jocelyn, again…Annie rips her arm free, backing away. Fighting back tears she refuses to give him.
ANNIE
You don’t have a fucking clue, do you?GEORGE
You people make me sick. Screaming for your God damn rights! Homosexuals are not special, honey. You’re just mentally ill. I suggest you own up to God and get some mental help.ANNIE
(screams)
Fuck you!GEORGE
I see I was wrong. No intelligence at all. If you’ll excuse me…George slams the door open. As it slowly swings shut, we hear.
GEORGE (O.S.)
Jocelyn. Explain yourself.JOCELYN
Daddy, I’m really sorry…The door clicks shut.
CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Dialogue Cover-Ups
What I learned: I learned the Methods of Coverup and how to use the 12 options to create different options for subtext.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
The small hours of morning, just before sun up.
On the couch, Annie and Jessica huddle together, under a blanket. Scared out of their minds. Through the window, headlights pull into the driveway.
The girls perk up at the rustle of house keys, outside the door.
As Jack enters, he’s ambushed by his manic daughters. They speak over each other with panicked energy.
JESSICA
Dad!ANNIE
I searched the whole house…JESSICA
It was in my closet. This red ball….ANNIE
Came out of fucking nowhere!JESSICA
Heard footsteps…ANNIE
And the heart on the mirror!Overwhelmed, Jack drops his toolbox by the front door and stares at them with tired eyes.
JACK
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa…slow down. What the hell are you–ANNIE
–Some strange shit is going down in our house, pops!JESSICA
We’re haunted!JACK
Haunted? For fucks’s sake…Girls! I’ve been working all night! Let me go to bed.Jack pushes passed them, but Jessica grabs his arm.
JESSICA
Daddy? Please…JACK
It’s five in the fucking morning…stop with the pranks. I’m in no mood.ANNIE
I tried calling you. You didn’t answer.JACK
I was at work, Annie. I’m busy!Annie shakes her head. He’s lying.
ANNIE
Except I called Doris and she said you left hours ago. Where were you?Jack is called out. His mind scrambles for a way out.
METHODS OF COVER-UP
SILENCE:
He chooses not to answer. With a sigh, Jack stomps up the stairs and quietly shuts his door.
ACTION INCONGRUENT WITH WORDS:
JACK
Look, I wish I could stay up all night and talk ghostbustin’ with you, but I’ve got to go to bed. You should do the same, it’s a school night, for Christ’s sake.Jack makes his way up the stairs and disappears into his room.
CHANGE SUBJECT:
JACK
The better question is, why are you still up? It’s a school night, for Christ’s sake! Go to bed!ATTACK BACK:
JACK
You’re not the parent, Annie. You don’t need to fucking check up on me, alright?COMPLIMENT THEM:
JACK
Okay…okay, it’s a good story, girls. Really. Now, go to bed! It’s a school night, for Christ’s sake!THREATEN THEM:
JACK:
Enough, God Dammit! Enough! I mean it, if you both don’t lay off those horror movies, I’m gonna smash that fuckin’ dvd player! You hear me?JACK
I…uh…had to meet a friend. Now get your butts to bed, it’s a school night, for Christ’s sake!MISDIRECTION:
JACK
Well, Doris doesn’t know that I picked up some side work. And Doris doesn’t need to know, alright? You happy now? Now get to bed! It’s a school night, for Christ’s sake!INAPPROPRIATE REACTION:
Jack starts laughing hysterically and heads up the stairs.
JACK
Go to bed girls!DISTRACTION:
JACK
Hey! Which one of you ran off with my hammer out of my toolbox? Huh? I need that shit for work!MAKE A JOKE OF IT:
JACK
Okay. Fine…ghosts, huh? Well….who ya’ gonna call?He waits for the applause, but Annie and Jessica don’t find it funny.
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED:
JACK
Okay. So I just worked a twelve-hour day. So, I’m gonna hit the sack. I suggest you do the same.FULL SCENE: USING DISTRACTION
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
The small hours of morning, just before sun up.
On the couch, Annie and Jessica huddle together, under a blanket. Scared out of their minds. Through the window, headlights pull into the driveway.
The girls perk up at the rustle of house keys, outside the door.
As Jack enters, he’s ambushed by his manic daughters. They speak over each other with panicked energy.
JESSICA
Dad!ANNIE
I searched the whole house…JESSICA
It was in my closet. This red ball….ANNIE
Came out of fucking nowhere!JESSICA
Heard footsteps…ANNIE
And the heart on the mirror!Overwhelmed, Jack drops his toolbox by the front door and stares at them with tired eyes.
JACK
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa…slow down. What the hell are you–ANNIE
–Some strange shit is going down in our house, pops!JESSICA
We’re haunted!JACK
Haunted? For fucks’s sake…Girls! I’ve been working all night! Let me go to bed.Jack pushes passed them, but Jessica grabs his arm.
JESSICA
Daddy? Please…JACK
It’s five in the fucking morning…stop with the pranks. I’m in no mood.ANNIE
I tried calling you. You didn’t answer.JACK
I was at work, Annie. I’m busy!Annie shakes her head. He’s lying.
ANNIE
Except I called Doris and she said you left hours ago. Where were you?Jack is called out. His mind scrambles for a way out. Remembers his toolbox.
JACK
Hey! Which one of you ran off with my hammer out of my toolbox? Huh? I need that shit for work!Annie and Jessica look at each other, perplexed.
ANNIE
We…didn’t take your hammer. Are you even listening to us?JACK
Well, it’s missing from my toolbox! If it’s not put back by tomorrow…I’m gonna flip out, okay?Jack pushes through the girls and heads upstairs. Stops at the top.
JACK (CONTINUED)
Oh…and lay off the fuckin’ horror movies, okay? It’s putting weird shit in your heads.He yawns, then disappears into his room.
JESSICA
He didn’t believe us…ANNIE
Maybe he’s right? We’ve been hitting the scary movies pretty hard.JESSICA
But scary movies are just make believe, Annie. This shit was real…CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Symbol
What I learned: I learned the three-step method for using a symbol as subtext in my screenplay.
SYMBOL: Nora’s Wedding Dress
Introduce the Symbol: The dress is first introduced 7 months after the death of Nora Andrew’s. Jack has become overly attached to the dress, sleeping with it every night, to remind him of his late wife. Annie feels he’s using it as a coping mechanism.
Set its meaning powerfully: Jack explains that it was Nora’s favorite thing and that she hoped Annie would wear it at her own wedding someday. It’s Jack’s last connection with his wife.
Use the symbol to cause or show change: After being humiliated by Annie in front of her friends for sleeping with the dress, Jack throws it away in a fit of anger. Danny takes the dress and starts wearing it in the climax of the second act.
SCENE 1
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – DAY
Rough snores in the darkness.
The bedroom door cracks. Light peeks in revealing Annie.
She enters the room, stepping over empty liquor bottles on the floor and throws open the drapes. Sun cuts through the bedroom like a knife to reveal Jack, sound asleep, clutching Nora’s wedding dress to his body.
ANNIE
Come on, pops. Time to get up.Jack groans and pulls the covers over his face.
Annie surveys the scene. Jack and Nora’s wedding video plays on a loop on a TV on the dresser. The wedding dress triggers her. She pulls it from his grasp.
ANNIE
God dammit, dad. You’ve got to stop doing this to yourself.Jack sits up. Shakes the cobwebs from his mind. Stretches.
JACK
I like the smell.Annie wants to smell the dress, but can’t bring herself to do it.
JACK
She looked so beautiful that day. Fuck, we were just kids…Annie looks at the wedding video on TV. Her mom, happier than we’ve ever seen.
JACK (CONTINUED)
You know…it was always her dream that you’d wear her dress one day…Annie clicks off the TV. Wads the dress up in a ball and throws it on the ground.
ANNIE
Well, she’s dead now….so?JACK
God damn it, Annie! That dress meant a lot to you your mother!He scoops it up and shakes it out. With the care of a surgeon, Jack replaces the dress in a hanging plastic bag.
JACK
I just…feel her…when I touch it. Don’t you?Annie watches him. Loves him for it.
JACK
Maybe you don’t wear it. Maybe you turn it into a table cloth…fuck, I don’t know. Just…Just treat it with respect, okay?ANNIE
Okay, pops.CUT TO:
SCENE 2
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – SIDE YARD – NIGHT
A hand pulls the lid off a trash can.
Jack, in a fit of rage, dumps Nora’s wedding dress into the garbage.
JACK
I’m so fucking over this!He takes one last look at the dress. Second guesses himself, but then holds firm. Jack slams the lid down on the can.
Tears in his eyes.
As Jack walks away, he doesn’t notice the shadow watching him from the window above.
JACK
Embarrass me in front of your god damn friends…CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand Subtext Scene
What I learned: I learned an easy model for building subtext into a scene. Something that I can use throughout my screenplay.
Background: Several months after the death of her mother, Annie is convinced to go on a blind date with Danny. After Danny turns out to be creepy, Annie runs into Jocelyn and they decide to ditch Danny. The following scene takes place the next morning.
Basic Subtext Questions
1. What is the meaning of the subtext: Annie doesn’t want her dad to know that her date was awful.
2. What is the cover-up: Annie tells her dad that her date went fine.
3. When will the meaning be revealed: It will be revealed in the middle of the scene.
4. How will the meaning be revealed: Annie’s little sister, Jessica, will tell their dad the truth.Scene Designed for Subtext: I have chosen Dramatic Irony. The audience will already know that the date was creepy and weird, but Annie wants her dad to think that it went fine. Annie wants to down play it because she met Jocelyn and has started to develop feelings for her.
SCENE
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
The front door opens on a tired and weary Jack. He steps in and drops an ancient toolbox by the door. He nudges the toolbox against the wall with his foot. A hammer clearly visible.
The smell of coffee hits Jack’s nose.
JACK
Coffee…KITCHEN – MORNING
Jessica sits at the dinner table, with a glorious breakfast laid before her. Annie buzzes around the kitchen with a smile on her face. The happiest we’ve seen her.
Jack enters the kitchen.
ANNIE
Morning, pops! Good timing. I just made breakfast.Jack plops down in a chair, just as Annie pours him some coffee. Jessica wastes no time on a plate of pancakes.
JACK
What’s all this now?JESSICA
(mouthful)
I think Annie’s possessed!Jack takes a sip of his coffee. Eyes Annie suspiciously.
JACK
I take it your date went well?Annie plays it off.
ANNIE
Uh…yeah. He was very nice.JACK
Not too nice, I hope…ANNIE
We had…fun. I was just happy to be out of the house, ya know?JACK
You gonna see this boy again? When do I meet him?Annie shrugs.
ANNIE
We’ll see what happens.Jessica, completely oblivious to Annie’s lie.
JESSICA
You said he was a creep?Annie freezes.
ANNIE
Shut up!JESSICA
All he wanted to talk about was mom!Jack sets his coffee cup down.
JACK
Okay…what the fuck, Annie?Jessica recoils from Annie’s glare.
ANNIE
Thanks a lot, you little shit.JACK
So what happened?ANNIE
Nothing serious, pops. He was just not who I thought he was. That’s all.JESSICA
Creepy little bitch. That’s what you said…Annie is saved by a car honk from out front.
ANNIE
Our rides here…C’mon ya little narc.Jack is confused.
JACK
Ride?ANNIE
Just a friend from school. Go to bed, pops. ByeJessica smiles and throws a hug around Jack. Annie’s already out the door.
JACK
(yells)
Don’t forget, I gotta work late!He’s greeted by the slamming front door.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Subtext Relationship
What I learned: I learned that if you want your characters to have subtext, you have to be clear on what that subtext is and the actions your character takes to hide it.
Character Name: Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Annie dates boys, to hide her true sexuality because she craves acceptance from her narrow-minded father.Character Name: Jocelyn Wilcox
Subtext Logline: Jocelyn is a spoiled army brat, who seduces Annie from her repressed lifestyle, but secretly her rebellious actions are a desperate cry for attention from her emotionally distant father.Character Name: George Wilcox
Subtext Logline: George is career military, who buries himself in work to avoid dealing with his embarrassing, rebellious daughter.Character Name: Becky Wilcox
Subtext Logline: Becky is a jealous trophy wife, who is locked in a mental game of chess with Jocelyn over the love and attention of George.BACKGROUND: This scene takes place in the middle of the 2nd act. After spending the night together, Annie and Jocelyn share their first kiss. When Jocelyn has to leave, the “woman in white” throws Jocelyn down the stairs, breaking both of her arms. This scene picks up, a few hours later at the hospital.
INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM – DAY
Annie sits miles apart from her father, Jack. With her beanie pulled low, she bites at her fingernails. Her leg shakes incessantly.
The door bursts open to reveal Becky Wilcox. Her scowl as warm as ever.
BECKY
She’s asking to see you.Annie hops up.
INT. JOCELYN’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Becky leads Annie into the room.
Jocelyn lays in the hospital bed with both arms suspended in pure black casts. Her body a canvas of cuts and bruises.
BECKY
Keep it brief, m’kay? Your dad’s already pissed enough.JOCELYN
(medicated)
Whatever you say, Becky…Annie stands, locked in place as Becky collects her ginormous purse and pushes through the door.
As soon as the door CLICKS, Annie bursts into motion and jumps onto the edge of the bed. She showers Jocelyn with kisses on her cheeks and forehead. Tears form.
ANNIE
I’m sorry! I’m sorry…I’m so sorry!Jocelyn weathers the kiss storm, unable to move her arms.
JOCELYN
(medicated)
I’d hug you back…but I’m a little tied up, at the moment.Annie sits up, places a hand on Jocelyn’s heart.
ANNIE
Are…you? Are you okay?Jocelyn nods at a button connected to a wire.
JOCELYN
Press that.Annie presses the button.
ANNIE
What’s it do?A smile creeps across Jocelyn’s face.
JOCELYN
Dat’s da good shit…Annie smiles. Pushes the button a few more times.
ANNIE
Enjoy…Annie caresses Jocelyn’s cheek. Swipes her hair behind her ears.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
If anything happened to you…I don’t know if I could take it.The drugs are kicking in.
JOCELYN
(groggy)
You…survived…your mom’s accident. You…can survive…anything…ANNIE
Jocelyn, what happened?Jocelyn squeezes her eyes shut. Searching her memory.
JOCELYN
(groggy)
I…I don’t know…for sure, but I remember…I remember saying…goodbye to you. At the top…the top of the stairs?ANNIE
I heard you scream…JOCELYN
I felt…hands. Hands on my back. Something…pushed me! I don’t remember…falling. But I do…remember…looking up. I saw…I…The grogginess is gone. Jocelyn’s eyes now wide with fear.
ANNIE
What? You saw, what?Jocelyn looks Annie straight in the eyes.
JOCELYN
I saw your mom…The horror of it sears Annie’s mind with fear.
ANNIE
My…my…Mom?JOCELYN
In her wedding dress…Annie shakes her head in disbelief. Breaks down in tears.
JOCELYN
I don’t…think. I don’t think she wants us to be together–Annie goes off like a bomb
ANNIE
(angry)
–She doesn’t get to choose who I love!Annie plants a kiss on Jocelyn that’s equal parts passion and release.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
I choose. I choose you…Annie kisses her again.
The flash of a camera phone.
BECKY (O.S.)
That will come in handy.Annie and Jocelyn whip around to find Becky admiring the photo on her cell phone.
JOCELYN
For fucks sake, Becky! Can you give us a minute!?GEORGE (O.S.)
Language, Missy!Through the door, steps Major General GEORGE WILCOX, 40s. He’s an intimidating man in an army uniform. The medals on his chest reflect the years of stress and anger on his face.
Jocelyn’s body language stiffens.
Annie stands up.
George surveys the scene. He’s not happy.
JOCELYN
(nervous)
Dad…I–GEORGE
(stern)
–And who is this?Annie looks to Jocelyn. Jocelyn looks away.
JOCELYN
This…this is just a friend, Dad.Just a friend? Annie looks hurt.
GEORGE
Does this friend have a name?JOCELYN
Annie. Her name is Annie, dad.George eyes Annie suspiciously. His accusing eyes, boring straight through her.
GEORGE
You and I will discuss this in a moment. But first, I need to have a conversation with your…little friend, Annie…in private.George points Annie out the door.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Subtext Characters
What I learned: I learned the three methods of creating character subtext and how to use them to make my characters better.
CHARACTER 1
Character Name: Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Subtext Identity: Hiding Something
Character Traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile, in denial.
Subtext Logline: Annie dates boys, to hide her true sexuality because she craves acceptance from her narrow-minded father.
Possible areas of subtext: dates boys but has no interest in them. Avoids conversation by turning them into arguments. Hides her sexuality because she craves acceptance from her father.
CHARACTER 2
Character Name: Jocelyn Wilcox
Subtext Identity: Seducing
Character Traits: Free Spirited, Rebellious, Seductive and Sensual
Subtext Logline: Jocelyn is a professional new kid, who’s soul mission is to free Annie from her repressed lifestyle.
Possible areas of subtext: Jocelyn portrays herself as a rebellious free spirit, but lives in fear of her overbearing father. Jealous of her young step-mom. Jocelyn forces Annie out of her comfort zone and enjoys the pain it causes.
-
Rob Bertrand’s Great Subtext Scene
What I learned: I learned that you can say a lot, by hiding it in subtext.
Movie: Beautiful Girls
Background: This is the opening scene of the movie. Birdman and Kev are plowing driveways. Birdman saves a special house for last.
EXT. TODOR HOUSE – NIGHT
A beautiful house. Christmas lights still dangle… Birdman plows with great care… He leaves no crumbs… He studies the windows of the Tudor, looking for signs of life…
They finish quickly… Kev hops back into the truck. He picks up a clipboard, crosses off one last name.
KEV
That’s it —Birdman nods. He looks back at the house. Sighs. Puts the truck in reverse. As it skirts the end of the driveway, an OUTSIDE LIGHT flicks on…
A hint of a smile crosses Birdman’s face. It is not lost on Kev, who snorts…
KEV (CONT.)
Aw, shit —NOTE: We start to get the hint that something’s up.
Subtext 1: Kev’s reaction hints at a secret.The Tudor’s front door OPENS… A LITTLE GIRL, KRISTEN, 3, bundled up good, trudges out of the house, carrying two pewter MUGS of coffee…
She walks precariously, balancing the mugs, negotiating her way across Kev’s freshly-cleared walkway…
Birdman opens the truck door… Leans down to the little girl and takes the coffees…
BIRDMAN
Thanks, Kristen. How are you tonight?Kristen merely stares at him. Her expression an admixture of terror and confusion.
Birdman hands Kev a mug. Kev slurps at it… Frowns.
KEV
No ‘buca —Birdman doesn’t hear him. For the front door has opened again. To Kristen’s mother. Birdman watches as
DARIAN SMALLS
28, in ski parka, leggings and Timberlands, walks to the truck. Blonde hair up, black eyes, Darian has about her the melancholy air of a Thomas Hardy heroine…
DARIAN
Hey–Beat
BIRDMAN
Hey–KEV
What’s the matter, Darian? No Zambuca this time?DARIAN
It’s 5: 00 in the morning–KEV
‘Zat make it too late or too early?DARIAN
Maybe you should lay off it a bit, Kev. Your nose gets any redder, you could guide my sleigh tonightKev stares at her blankly… She turns to Birdman:
DARIAN (CONT. )
You guys done for the night?BIRDMAN
Yeah–DARIAN
Big storm–BIRDMAN
Yeah.NOTE: It’s clear that something is going on between Darian and Birdman. The tension is palpable.
Beat. Kristen tugs at her mother’s leg…
KRISTEN
I’m coooooldddd — !DARIAN
Okay, baby…She picks up her daughter. Looks at Birdman. Forces a smile. The shit between them is so palpable it could wear clothes…
DARIAN (CONT.)
(re: the mugs)
I didn’t have styrofoam…BIRDMAN
I’ll get ’em back to you —Darian nods. Birdman nods. Kev rolls his eyes…
NOTE: Darian gives Birdman a reason to see her again, hinting at a romantic rendevous.
DARIAN
Goodbye, Kev Yeah —KEV
Yeah —DARIAN
(to Birdman)
Bye —Birdman nods again. Watches her walk back to the house, carrying Jodi. He starts up the truck. Looks at Kev, who’s giving him the ugly eyeball…
BIRDMAN
What — ?KEV
The thing with the Styrofoam really creases me…BIRDMAN
What are you talking about?KEV
It’s the fifth storm of the season – you’d think she’d get herself a nice sleeve of Styrofoam cups. $1.99 at your local Shop ‘N Save…Nothing from Birdman. He drives.
NOTE: Kev is doing the math and it all adds up.
SUBTEXT 1: Kev is calling Birdman out.
SUBTEXT 2: Birdman plays dumb.KEV (CONT.)
How ’bout i return the mugs this time?BIRDMAN
How ’bout shut your hole?Beat.
KEV
Chick’s married, Birdie.Birdman drives.
KEV (CONT.)
It’s all badThe truck drives off into the snow..• ROLL CREDITS
-
Rob Bertrand’s Page Turner
What I learned: I learned that using these bold techniques can really bolster the intensity of a scene.
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.Jack Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Exhausted, foul-mouthed, conservative father, who’s protective of his daughters.
Character Logline: Jack is an overworked auto mechanic, who’s grieving the death of his wife, Nora, while struggling with alcoholism and his daughter’s deteriorating mental health.Jessica Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Shy, Nervous, Crafty, and inherited her sister’s gift of sarcasm.
Character Logline: An eight-year-old girl becomes obsessed with horror movies after the death of her mother and soon starts to believe there’s a monster living in her closet.SCENE
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica sit together on the couch, like two criminals at an interrogation.
Jack slams the empty ketchup bottle on the coffee table.
JACK
Care to explain this shit?The girls look confused.
JACK
Which one of you did it?ANNIE
Did what?Are they playing dumb? Jack’s not having it!
JACK
Don’t give me that bullshit! They found the fucking bottle of ketchup. You’re lucky they didn’t write me a ticket!ANNIE
Dad, we didn’t–JESSICA
It was mom–JACK
(screams)
God damn it! Enough! Enough of this fucking bullshit! Your mom is not haunting our house! She wouldn’t do that to us!Jack’s temper ignites, sparking Annie’s rage in return.
ANNIE
How would you know!? You’re never home! All you do is work!JACK
Yeah, because this fucking house isn’t free! The food you eat, isn’t free!ANNIE
Whatever! It’s just an excuse to get away from us! You can’t even look me in the eye! You don’t even want to be here!JACK
Seventeen years old and you know so much!ANNIE
I know you cry yourself to sleep every fucking night! I know that you hide a bottle of bourbon in your top drawer!JACK
This isn’t about me! This is about you, faking this…this…paranormal fuckery! Blaming it on mom…like she’s some god damn demon out to kill you!Caught up in anger and emotion, Jack and Annie fail to that Jessica has burst into tears.
ANNIE
Of course…of course you don’t believe us. Father of the fucking year–JACK
I want your cell phone. You’re both grounded until further notice…ANNIE
Fine! Take the stupid thing…I don’t care!Annie hurls the phone against the wall. The screen cracks when it hits the floor.
JACK
That’s just great! That’s just fucking great! Another thing broken…like we’re made of fucking money! You are the most ungrateful–ANNIE
I fucking hate you! I wish you were dead!JACK
Oh…believe me! If I had a gun, that wouldn’t be a problem!JESSICA
(screams)
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!Defeated, Jack crumples into a chair.
JACK
I don’t know how to help you…ANNIE
You haven’t even tried.JACK
Enough. I want you both to stop this. No more lies. No more games. Definitely, no more scary movies! If you need attention, just talk to me…okay? Don’t be the boy who cried wolf–ANNIE
–Stop!JACK
Don’t cry wolf!Annie, shaking with rage, stomps up the stairs. Her bedroom door slams from upstairs.
Jack is fighting to keep his composure.
Jessica sits motionless on the couch. Unsure of what to do.
CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Writing is Bold
What I learned: I learned that assigning an emotion or attitude to a scene that I can completely alter the feel and tone. I discovered interesting emotions I hadn’t considered on the first draft.
1. ORIGINAL VERSION
EXT. PARKING LOT – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Annie leads Jessica by the hand, through a field of parked cars.
JESSICA
Is mom and dad fighting?ANNIE
When are they not fight? Hurry up.The sisters cut through a row of cars and find their parents arguing beside their car.
JACK
(slurred)
Just…gimme the fucking keys, Nora.NORA
(angry)
You said you had this under control!JACK
(angry)
I’m fine! Gimme the keys…NORA
Get in the car, Jack. Pull yourself together…for the kids.Annie and Jessica approach quietly. Fire burning in Annie’s eyes.
JACK
(cheerful)
Hey kids. Ready to go?Nora opens the car door and Jessica jumps inside.
ANNIE
Don’t fucking talk to me.JACK
Whoa! Language!ANNIE
You are so embarrassing!Jack stumbles forward towards Annie, but Nora steps between them. She places a hand firmly on Jack’s chest.
2. WRITTEN IN SADNESS FOR NORA
EXT. PARKING LOT – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Annie, fighting back tears, marches Jessica by the hand, through a field of parked cars.
JESSICA
Is mom and dad fighting?ANNIE
Hurry up!The sisters cut through a row of cars, towards the sound of their parents raging argument. Annie puts a finger to her lips to quiet Jessica and peaks around a minivan.
There stands Nora, shoulders slumped in embarrassment. Tears stream down her face. A woman who’s reached her limit.
JACK
(slurred)
Just…gimme the fucking keys, Nora.Nora speaks between sobs.
NORA
You…said…you had this…under control!JACK
(angry)
What the fuck you crying for? I’m fine! Gimme the keys…NORA
I have…never been more embarrassed, Jack!Jack spots the kids, eavesdropping.
JACK
Pull yourself…togever…for Christ’s sake. The kids…Annie and Jessica approach quietly. Fire burning in Annie’s eyes.
JACK
(cheerful)
Hey kids. Ready to go?Spirit broken; Nora opens the car door. Jessica escapes inside.
JACK
About time–ANNIE
–Don’t fucking talk to me.JACK
Whoa! Language!ANNIE
Are you okay, Mom?JACK
She’s fine!Jack stumbles forward, but Annie steps between them. She places a hand firmly on Jack’s chest.
3. WRITTEN WITH SADNESS AND APATHY FOR ANNIE
EXT. PARKING LOT – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Fighting back tears, Annie marches Jessica by the hand, through a field of parked cars.
JESSICA
Is mom and dad fighting?ANNIE
Same as it ever was…Hurry up.The sisters cut through a row of cars, towards the sound of their parents raging argument. Annie puts a finger to her lips to quiet Jessica and peaks around a minivan.
There stands Nora, shoulders slumped in embarrassment. Tears stream down her face. A woman who’s reached her limit.
JACK
(slurred)
Just…gimme the fucking keys, Nora.Nora’s voice is cold and emotionless.
NORA
You said you had this under control. I believed you.JACK
(angry)
So, what? I had a few drinks…I’m fine! Gimme the keys…NORA
I can’t…I can’t do this anymore, Jack.Jack spots the kids, eavesdropping.
JACK
For Christ’s sake. The kids…Annie and Jessica approach quietly. Fire burns like coal in Annie’s eyes.
JACK
(cheerful)
Hey kids. Ready to go?Spirit broken; Nora opens the car door. Jessica escapes inside.
JACK
About time–ANNIE
–Don’t fucking talk to me.JACK
Whoa! Language!ANNIE
Are you okay, Mom?Nora gives a half smile, but her eyes tell a different story.
NORA
I’m–JACK
–She’s fine!Jack stumbles forward, but Annie steps between them. She places a hand firmly on Jack’s chest.
-
Rob Bertrand’s Extreme Emotions
What I learned: I learned that script readers are looking for an emotional journey to hook them. The best way is to write with emotional descriptions.
CHARACTERS
Danny Laplante – Antagonist
Basic character traits: Traumatized, delusional, Liar, who’s dangerous.
Character Logline: Danny is a high school drop out with a history of mental illness, who becomes obsessed with tormenting Annie after she rejects his affections.Jack Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Exhausted, foul-mouthed, conservative father, who’s protective of his daughters.
Character Logline: Jack is an overworked auto mechanic, who’s grieving the death of his wife, Nora, while struggling with alcoholism and his daughter’s deteriorating mental health.SCENE
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
The doorbell buzzes an obnoxious number of times.
JACK (O.S.)
Jesus H. Christ, I’m coming! For fucks sake!Jack angrily stomps down the stairs, wiping sleep from his eyes. As he throws the front door open.
JACK
You miss the fuckin’ no soliciting sign, asshole?But it’s not a salesman. It’s Danny Laplante, still wearing the same clothes from Annie’s date the night before. He doesn’t back down from Jack’s anger, takes a step forward to enter the house.
DANNY
Where’s Annie?Jack puts a firm hand on Danny’s shoulder and stops him.
JACK
Hold the fuck up, sport. Who are you?DANNY
I’m Danny.JACK
Right. Well, listen, Danny. My daughter is recovering from a traumatic experience. Now is not the time for boys. Why don’t you–DANNY
(screams)
–Annie! Annie?! Get out here!Danny face grows manic. Anger bubbling just behind his eyes.
JACK
Lower your god damn voice, kid.DANNY
Tell Annie to answer the fucking phone when I call.JACK
Not gonna happen, dude. Get the fuck out of here.DANNY
Fuck you, ya piece of shit!Jack reaches his boiling point and shoves Danny backwards. Danny falls down the porch steps and lands hard on the concrete.
JACK
You stay the fuck away from my daughter! You hear me?Danny looks up at Jack, towering over him. The dominance triggers him. A ghost from his past.
DANNY
No! No! Don’t hit me…don’t hit me again!Self-conscious, Jack looks around the neighborhood. No witnesses.
JACK
Shut the fuck up and listen. My daughter? She doesn’t like you. I don’t like you. Don’t come around here again.The fear on Danny’s face melts away. Now only a cold grin remains.
DANNY
Or what? What are you gonna do about it?Jack looks him up and down. The balls on this kid?
JACK
I’ll fuck you up.Danny stands up, nose to nose with Jack. Challenge accepted.
DANNY
Annie was right. The wrong parent died…Jack didn’t see it coming. The comment lands like a nine-pound hammer.
JACK
Get the hell out of here.Danny smiles, while backing away.
DANNY
I’m going to fuck your daughter, Jack.Now it’s Jack’s turn to go mental. He’s an intimidating man, when he wants to be.
JACK
If I fuckin’ see you around here again…I will fuckin’ end you!Danny blows him a kiss.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Visuals
What I learned: I learned the basic four levels of visual description and a technique to better improve my screenplay with vividness.
PART ONE: EXAMPLE
THE SIXTH SENSE
A NAKED LIGHTBULB SPARKS TO LIFE. It dangles from the ceiling
Anna is the rare combination of beauty and innocence. She stands in the chilly basement in an elegant summer dress that outlines her slender body. Her gentle eyes move across the empty room and come to rest on a rack of wine bottles covering one entire wall.
THE LIGHTBULB DIES. DRIPPING BLACK DEVOURS THE ROOM.
Malcolm is in his thirties with thick, wavy hair and striking, intelligent eyes that squint from years of intense study. His charming, easy-going smile spreads across his face.
Beat. The power of the words sobers the two of them.
Malcolm looks at Anna surprised at what he said. They crack up laughing. THEIR SWEET LAUGHTER FILLS THE HOUSE.
TWO GIGGLING SHADOWS APPEAR IN THE BEDROOM DOORWAY. They try to turn on the light. It doesn’t come on.
He walks towards her. HIS GRIN QUIETLY DISAPPEARS. Malcolm’s face turns to rock as his attention is drawn to the SHATTERED WINDOW in their bedroom. The wind moves through the room. A lamp lays broken on the ground by the window.
The STRANGER is about nineteen. Drugged out. Pitch black eyes bulging. His body is covered in scars and bruises. His hands are folded in front of him. He shakes ever so slightly. He has a patch of white in his hair.
The stranger’s stare slides to Anna.
Beat. Malcolm’s intelligent eyes race for answers.
Malcolm looks like someone hit him with a sledgehammer.
Malcolm lets out a deep breath like he just emerged from deep waters.
PART 2: IMPROVED DESCRIPTIVE SENTENCES
The room is lit by candles, sporadically placed around the room. They flicker ominously.
Change to: The room is washed in candle light, that flickers ominously on the walls.Armando lights a series of candles surrounding the dress.
Change to: Armando strikes a match and illuminates a series of candles, around the dress.Jocelyn fingers move fast as lightning over her phone.
Change to: Jocelyn’s fingers tap out a message inhumanly fast.Up the stairs, the basement door SLAMS open. The teenagers look up to see JACK ANDREWS. His face both shock and anger.
Change to: The basement door explodes open to reveal Jack Andrews. His face a mixture of shock and anger.Danny crosses behind Jack’s chair, running a hand along his body.
Change to: Danny slinks behind Jack’s chair, running a bloody hand along his torso. -
Rob Bertrand’s Hope/Fear in Action
What I learned: I learned that building hope/fear into a scene is a lot like riding a roller coaster. The back-and-forth swings in momentum and control should take your reader on an unpredictable, edge of your seat journey.
CHARACTERS
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.Danny Laplante – Antagonist
Basic character traits: Traumatized, delusional, Liar, who’s dangerous.
Character Logline: Danny is a high school drop out with a history of mental illness, who becomes obsessed with tormenting Annie after she rejects his affections.Jack Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Exhausted, foul-mouthed, conservative father, who’s protective of his daughters.
Character Logline: Jack is an overworked auto mechanic, who’s grieving the death of his wife, Nora, while struggling with alcoholism and his daughter’s deteriorating mental health.SCENE STRUCTURE
Situation: Danny has taken Jack hostage and is threatening to kill him in front of Annie.
Goal: Annie wants to save her father from Danny.
Main Threat: Danny is psychotic and has taken on the persona of Annie’s mother, Nora.Annie discovers her father tied up in the basement and Danny reveals himself, wearing her mother’s wedding dress and a blonde wig.
Danny is psychotic and has taken on the persona of Nora, offering Annie the choice to bring her mom back. All she has to do is kill her father.
Annie tricks Danny into giving her the hatchet.
HOPE: Annie finds her father in the basement, after climbing through the walls.
FEAR: Danny reveals himself, wearing Nora’s wedding dress, a blonde wig and smudged makeup. He has taken on the persona of Annie’s mother. “Call me, mom.”
HOPE: Danny seems to calm down when Annie plays into his psychosis. She speaks to him as if he was her mom.
FEAR: Danny wants to take care of Annie. Make everything better. Be a family again. Do it right this time.
HOPE: Annie wants that too. “With you and dad.”
FEAR: “No! You were right, Annie. The wrong parent died.”
HOPE: Jack tells Annie that he loves her. He’s always loved her. Now get out.
FEAR: Danny reveals he’s been watching his “family.” He knows all their secrets. Jack has been unfaithful. He was planning on leaving the family. Jack’s not always working late…he’s seeing a lady with her own children. Danny says Jack would rather be there!
HOPE: Jack apologizes to his daughter. Gets angry with Danny.
FEAR: Danny talks about the sanctity of marriage and the meaning of wedding rings. Danny then chops Jack’s wedding ring hand off with a hatchet.
HOPE: Annie tricks Danny by pretending to be on his side. She should be the one to kill her father.
FEAR: Annie raises the hatchet above her father’s head, ready to strike.
HOPE: Annie drives the hatchet deep into Danny’s shoulder. Annie begins to untie her father.
FEAR: Danny comes back to life and attacks.
HOPE: Jack douses Danny with alcohol and Annie lights him on fire.
FEAR: Danny runs off screaming and disappears.
HOPE: Annie helps her father to safety.
SCENE
INT. WALL – NIGHT
Annie climbs down through the interior of the wall, towards the sound of wedding music. Her feet and hands carefully search for purchase inside the darkness. Her breath comes in waves of panic.
A pinhole of light from below. Annie descends towards it.
Finally, Annie’s foot touches ground and she steadies herself. She finds herself in a tight crawl space within the wall and shuffles towards a light streaming in from a small peephole. Quietly, she looks through.
ANNIE’S POV – The basement is lit by hundreds of candles. Dead center of the room, with his back to Annie, sits Jack.
ANNIE (O.S.)
Dad!END ANNIE’S POV
Annie shuffles deeper into the crawlspace and finds a hole in the sheet rock. Without thinking, she ducks through.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Squeezing between the wall and the freezer, Annie runs to her father.
ANNIE
Dad! What are you doing––Annie stops midsentence when she finds her dad is gagged and bound to a chair with duct tape. Blood drips from Jack’s head wound.
Jack and Nora’s wedding song plays from an old record player. The room has been turned into a shrine to Nora Andrews.
Annie rips the gag off of Jack’s mouth.
JACK
(screams)
Annie, get out of here! He’s dangerous! Run!Annie, in a panic, begins ripping at the duct tape holding Jack’s wrists to the arm rests.
JACK (CONTINUED)
Go! Leave me! Get out––From the darkest corner of the room, comes a cold and sinister voice. A male voice, yet feminine.
DANNY (O.S.)
Annie. Sweetheart…I came back for you…A ghostly shape emerges from the darkness behind Jack’s chair, wearing a dirty blonde wig and Nora’s filthy wedding dress, pulled from the trash can. Only it’s not the ghost of Nora Andrew’s.
It’s DANNY LAPLANTE!His face is a nightmare of blotchy white foundation, eyes painted black with makeup that has stained his face from prior tears. Worse, is the red lipstick smudged across his lips. Like the bloody jaws of a predator.
Annie recoils in terror and falls to the ground.
JACK
Stay away from her, you sick fuck!ANNIE
D…D…DANNY?DANNY
Call me mom…Annie sees the hatchet in Danny’s hand, slapping against his leg.
ANNIE
Danny…what are you–DANNY
(raging)
I said call me mom!Danny points the hatchet at Annie. Insanity burns in his eyes.
Annie stifles a scream, as Jack fights against his restraints.
JACK
I’m going to kill you. I’m going to fucking kill you!Danny grabs Jack by the hair, rips his head back and holds the hatchet to his exposed throat. Blood drips down Jack’s neck.
DANNY
Shhhh….Now, honey. Is that any way to speak to your dear ol’ wife?Concern on Annie’s face as a million ideas play in her mind.
ANNIE
Wa…wait. Mom, it’s…it’s good…to see…I mean…I’ve missed…We’ve missed you.Danny relaxes the hatchet, as a smile plays across his evil face.
DANNY
I’ve missed you too, baby. But I’m back.Danny’s eyes fill with tears.
DANNY (CONTINUED)
I’m back now…to take care of you. Momma’s gonna make everything better now, okay?Danny’s eyes fill with crazy as he lifts the hatchet over Jack’s head. Ready to strike.
JACK
Stop! Stop….Nora! Stop!Danny grins, dropping the hatchet to his side. Danny strokes Jack’s hair, lovingly.
Jack, closes his eyes.
DANNY
We could be a family again, Annie. Do it right this time…ANNIE
I want that! I want that so much. You, me….and dad. Together!Danny shakes his head, violently.
DANNY
No! No! NO! You said it, Annie. The wrong parent died. It should have been him! We can set things right…JACK
You’re right. You’re right, Nora. Please. Let Annie go. You can take it out on me…just let Annie go.Danny leans close to Jack’s ear and whispers.
DANNY
I’m going to set Annie free…from you.Tears flood Jack’s eyes.
JACK
Annie, listen to me. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. It should have been me. It should have been me that died. I’m so fucking stupid. I love you, baby. I love you so much.Annie can’t stop the tears from bursting from her eyes.
ANNIE
Oh, dad. I love you too. I love you too, dad!JACK
Now, let her fucking go and take it out on me!Danny crosses behind Jack’s chair, running a hand along his body.
DANNY
Oh, Jack…ANNIE
Stop! We can be happy again. All of us!DANNY
You wanna know the best thing about being a ghost, Annie? You get to hear all the family secrets. Do you wanna tell her, Jack? Or should I?Jack is confused.
JACK
What! What the fuck are you talking about?Annie locks eyes with Jack. Desperate to find a way out of this.
DANNY
Your dad is a liar, Annie. A filthy, dirty cheater. He was going to leave me…before I died.
(rage)
He was going to leave us!Jack squeezes his eyes shut, humiliated and full of rage.
JACK
Fuck you, you sick fuck!DANNY
Truth is, Annie. He doesn’t ever work late. He just prefers his new girlfriend’s family over you.The dawning realization sinks in as anger and rage fill Annie’s eyes. She steps forward and slaps Jack across the face.
Danny laughs.
JACK
I’m sorry, Annie. I…I never would have…Without warning, Danny brings the blunt end of the hatchet down on Jack’s knee. Jack shrieks in pain.
JACK (CONTINUED)
Fuck! God damn you! You crazy–Danny shoves his hand over Jack’s mouth.
DANNY
Shhh….shhh…..shhh. You’re still wear the wedding ring I gave you? Now that’s sick…Jack’s left hand pulls hard against the tape. The ring clearly visible.
DANNY (CONTINUED)
You made a vow, Jack. A holy vow before God and all. To love and to honor through sickness and in health. With this ring…a symbol of love and commitment. But you cheated…ANNIE
Please….stop!DANNY
With this ring, I de-wed!In a blink of an eye, Danny raises the hatchet and brings it down with full force. The sound is sickening.
Jack’s severed hand falls to the ground, with a dull thud. Blood pours out onto the floor. All Jack can do is stare with stunned disbelief. He tries to scream, but can’t make a sound.
Danny laughs maniacally
Annie springs to action, ripping her hoodie off and wrapping it around Jack’s bleeding stump.
DANNY
Move out of the way, sweetheart. Let me finish him.Annie stands, with fierce determination. Her eyes, cold with hatred.
ANNIE
No. I should do it.DANNY
It’s okay, my darling. I’ll–ANNIE
After what he did to us…Give me the hatchet, mom. Let me do this…A smile creeps across Danny’s face.
DANNY
I’m so proud of you. My special daughter…Danny hands the hatchet over to Annie. She smiles back at Danny, calming his rage.
Annie turns to her father. With both hands, she raises the hatchet high above Jack’s head. Jack, barely conscious, looks up with fear. A tear rolls down his cheek.
Danny steps close to Annie.
DANNY
Do it. Kill him, Annie. Kill him!ANNIE
I hope you rot in hell, you sick mother fucker!She swings the hatchet with all her might and drives it deep into Danny’s shoulder.
Danny squeals in pain, reaching for the hatchet, but it’s just out of reach. He falls backwards, bellowing like a wounded animal.
JACK
(groggy)
In da cabinet….top…top shelf. Be…behind the books.Quickly, Annie moves to a cabinet and dumps the books out on the floor, revealing a bottle of bourbon. She grabs it when a bloody hand grabs her from behind.
It’s Danny pulling her backwards. Annie spins, bringing the bottle down on Danny’s head. The bottle shatters, pouring booze down over Danny’s body.
With a warrior’s scream, Annie pushes Danny, who falls backwards against a table full of candles. He instantly burst into flames. His screams echo through the house as he runs off, disappearing up the stairs.
ANNIE
Dad!Annie returns to her father and begins slashing at the duct tape with the broken glass bottle neck still in her hand.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Uncertainty Scene
What I learned: I learned that uncertainty is one of the best tools to keep a reader emotionally engaged with your screenplay.
SCREAM by Kevin Williamson
Background: Casey is home alone preparing to watch a movie, when she begins to receive phone calls on her landline. After she hangs up on the caller, he calls back...
INT. KITCHEN Popcorn sizzles in a pot on the stove. Casey covers it with a lid, reaching for the portable phone. CASEY Hello. MAN Why don't you want to talk to me? CASEY Who is this? MAN You tell me your name, I'll tell you mine. CASEY (shaking the popcorn) I don't think so. MAN What's that noise? Casey smiles, playing along, innocently.
NOTE: The writer has lured us into a false sense of security with the harmless flirting. CASEY Popcorn. MAN You're making popcorn? CASEY Uh-huh. MAN I only eat popcorn at the movies. CASEY I'm getting ready to watch a video. MAN Really? What? CASEY Just some scary movie. MAN Do you like scary movies? CASEY Uh-huh. MAN What's your favorite scary movie? He's flirting with her. Casey moves away from the stove and takes a seat at the kitchen counter, directly in front of the glass door. CASEY I don't know. MAN You have to have a favorite. Casey thinks for second. CASEY Uh...HALLOWEEN. You know, the one with the guy with the white mask who just sorta walks around and stalks the baby sitters. What's yours? MAN Guess. CASEY Uh...NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. MAN Is that the one where the guy had knives for fingers? CASEY Yeah...Freddy Krueger. MAN Freddy-that's right. I liked that movie. It was scary. CASEY The first one was, but the rest sucked. MAN So, you gotta boyfriend? CASEY (giggling) Why? You wanna ask me out? MAN Maybe. Do you have a boyfriend? CASEY No. MAN You never told me your name. Casey smiles, twirling her hair. CASEY Why do you want to know my name? MAN Because I want to know who I'm looking at.
NOTE: Our first indication that the man on the phone isn't a wrong number. So chilling! Casey spins around like lightning facing the glass door. CASEY What did you say? MAN I want to now who I'm talking to. CASEY That's not what you said. MAN What do you think I said? Casey CLICKS on the outside light. A flood light illuminates the backyard. Her eyes survey the grounds. But it's empty. No one's there. She turns the light out. On the stove, the popcorn POPS.
NOTE: Everything looks safe. Gives the sense that the man is just messing with her. CASEY I have to go now. MAN Wait...I thought we were gonna go out. CASEY Nah, I don't think so... MAN Don't hang up on me. CASEY Gotta go. MAN Don't... CLICK! Casey hangs up. She checks the glass door making sure it's locked and then moves to the stove as... THE PHONE RINGS. She slides the popcorn from the stove, reaching for the phone. CASEY Yes? MAN I told you not to hang up on me. CASEY What do you want? MAN To talk. CASEY Dial someone else, okay? MAN You getting scared? CASEY No-bored. CLICK. She hangs up. The phone RINGS again. She grabs it. CASEY Listen, asshole... MAN (deadly serious) NO, YOU LISTEN, YOU LITTLE BITCH. IF YOU HANG UP ON ME AGAIN I'LL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH. UNDERSTAND?
NOTE: Tension has escalated. Our first indication that the man is dangerous. Total silence. He has gotten her full attention. CASEY Is this some kind of a joke? MAN More of a game, really. Casey eyes the glass doors, then looks up the hallway to the front doors...moving to it. It's unlocked. She bolts it. CASEY I'm two seconds from calling the police. MAN They'd never make it in time.
NOTE: Feels like a chess game with Casey threatening to call the police and the man calling her bluff. Casey moves her face flush against the door, her eye looking through the peephole. ANGLE THROUGH PEEPHOLE. A distorted view of the front porch. It is empty. She relaxes a bit, relieved.
NOTE: Still no sign of anyone and a visual sign of Casey being relieved eases up on the tension. CASEY What do you want? MAN (pure evil) TO SEE WHAT YOUR INSIDES LOOK LIKE.
NOTE: We are instantly sucked back into danger territory. Casey's jaw drops as total fear storms her face. She hangs up the phone, throwing it down on a side table when... THE DOORBELL CHIMES.
NOTE: The doorbell ratchets up the tension to one hundred. Or is it a red herring? Casey leaps out of her skin. She turns to the door as it chimes again. CASEY (calling out) Who's there? Another CHIME. She moves to it. CASEY (louder) Who's there? No answer. Fuck this. It's time for the police. She goes for the portable phone. Just as she picks it up... IT RINGS. Casey almost drops it, losing her breath...
NOTE: Just when we think it can't get any more tense. It's like the man on the phone can predict what she's going to do. She brings it to her ear with trembling hands, saying nothing...listening, waiting... A long silence. And then. MAN You should never say "Who's there?". Don't you watch scary movies? It's a death wish. Casey clutches the wall, nearly collapsing. She tries her damndest to hang tough. CASEY Look, enough is enough. You had your fun now you better leave me alone or else. MAN Or else what? CLOSE ON her face, her mind thinking, calculating... CASEY My boyfriend will be here any second and he'll be pissed when I tell him...
NOTE: Casey attempts to steal the momentum with the threat of her boyfriend. MAN I thought you didn't have a boyfriend. Busted. She holds steady. CASEY I lied. I do have a boyfriend and he'll be here any second and your ass better be gone. MAN Sure... CASEY I swear it. And he's big and plays football and will beat the shit out of you. MAN I'm getting scared. CASEY I'm telling you the truth. I lied before... MAN I believe you... CASEY So you better leave. MAN His name wouldn't be Steve, would it?
NOTE: Once again the momentum shifts back to the man on the phone. He's called her bluff and mentions her boyfriend by name. Silence. Casey buckles at the knees, losing it. CASEY How do you know his name? MAN Go to the back door and turn on the porch light--again. Casey, terrified, forces herself to move.. staggering to the kitchen...to the glass doors. Her shaky hand finds the light switch...she hits it. The back yard is lit. Sitting in a lawn chair in the middle of the backyard is a big, line backer of a guy, her boyfriend... STEVE tied and gagged. He's been roughed up, but he's alive. CLOSE ON his eyes..wide in fear..staring at his girlfriend, pleading with her. CASEY Oh Goddddd... Casey SCREAMS. Her hand moves to the lock on the door.
NOTE: The danger is real and now it becomes a game of cat and mouse. MAN I wouldn't do that if I were you. Terror rides Casey's face. She's petrified. CASEY Where are you? MAN Guess. Her eyes search the yard, combing bushes, trees. He could be anywhere-anywhere. CASEY (begging) Please don't hurt him. MAN That all depends on you. CASEY Why are you doing this? Tears find their way, streaming down Casey's face. MAN I wanna play a game. CASEY No... MAN Then he dies. Right now. CASEY NOOO! MAN Which is it? A long silence. Casey touches the glass...staring at STEVE...this big jock of a guy is crying too. CASEY What kind of game? MAN Turn off the light. Her hand goes to the switch...Steve tugs and pulls at his straps...as if begging her...his face sweat and tears... CLICK He disappears in the darkness. Casey moves away from the glass, back toward the living room, unbelieving, horrified. MAN Here's how we play. I ask a question. If you get it right-Steve lives.
NOTE: Casey is given hope. If she can answer his questions, her boyfriend will live. Three curtainless windows line one wall. Casey crouches down behind the couch, tipping a lamp cord from it's socket, darkening the room. Her body quivers. CASEY Please don't do this... MAN Come on. It'll be fun. CASEY No...please. MAN It's an easy category. Movie trivia. CASEY (begging) ..please... MAN I'll even give you a warm up question. CASEY Don't do this. I can't.. MAN Name the killer in HALLOWEEN. CASEY No... MAN Come on. It's you favorite scary movie, remember? He had a white mask, he stalked the baby-sitters. Casey goes silent...a nervous wreck...she can barely speak much less think. CASEY I don't know... MAN Come on, yes you do. CASEY Please..stop... Casey is SOBBING. MAN What's his name? CASEY I can't think. Casey has officially reached hysteria, petrified beyond all reality. MAN Steve's counting on you. Suddenly...through tears...Godsent... CASEY (a whisper) Michael...Michael Myers. MAN YES!
NOTE: She gets the test question right. We're on the edge of our seat, but there's hope. Casey SIGHS...relieved. MAN Now for the real question. CASEY NOOOO.... MAN But you're doing so well. CASEY Please go away! Leave us alone! MAN Then answer the question. Same category. Casey is a blubbering, wet mass on the floor. CASEY ..please..no... MAN Name the killer in FRIDAY THE 13TH. A mad smile purses Casey's lips. She knows this. She leaps up, through tears, screaming... CASEY Jason! Jason!...JASON! A slight PAUSE. MAN I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. CASEY No it's not. It was Jason. MAN Afraid not. CASEY It was Jason. I saw that godamned movie twenty times. It was Jason. MAN Then you should know Jason's MOTHER -Mrs.Vorhees was the original killer. Jason didn't show up until the sequel. Casey is stupefied.
NOTE: The man on the phone reclaims the upperhand. CASEY You tricked me... MAN Lucky, for you there's a bonus round. But poor Steve...I'm afraid...he's out. This implication sends Casey running to the kitchen...to the glass doors. She flips on the porch lights to see... STEVE eyes wide, sitting in the lawn chair...his belly gaping open...a mass of blood and ripped flesh...his insides lay on the ground between his feet...steam rising. A SCREAM erupts from the bottom of her soul as Casey collapse on the floor...nearly passing out. CLOSE ON her face...pale and ghostly white. She SOBS. MAN Final question. Are you ready? She doesn't answer. A long, maddening silence. Casey reaches up and CLICKS off the light, making Steve go away...wishing, hoping... CASEY ..leave me alone..please... MAN Answer the question and I will. Casey is curled up on the floor like an infant, rocking slowly back and forth. MAN What door am I at? CASEY What? MAN There are two doors to your house. A front door and a back one. If you answer correctly-you live. From where Casey sits she can see both front and back doors. She deliberates...with her last bit of strength she tries to strategize. Eyeing both, the front door...the back door trying to decide between the two. CASEY Don't make me...I can't...I won't. MAN Your call.
NOTE: Her life boils down to a 50/50 chance. In the darkness, Casey crawls to the kitchen counter-she leans up and grabs a long, sharp knife. Casey looks around her...she looks down the hall to the front door...then turns back to the kitchen glass door as it suddenly... SHATTERS TO BITS... as a lawn chair come flying through it. Exploding glass sprays everywhere. This incites Casey like fire. She springs to her feet...bolting out of the kitchen as a SHADOW moves quickly through the shattered doorframe. ANGLE ON CASEY Somewhere in the house, back flat against a window, listening to FEET ON CRACKING GLASS. She turns and unlocks the latch, quietly sliding it up. She can hear him move through the foyer...to the front door. Casey lifts herself up and puts her legs through the window. She holds the knife in one hand, the phone in the other. Casey eases out the window, fumbling, dropping the knife back in the house. She starts to reach for it. Fuck it, she takes off...
-
Rob Bertrand’s Hooks
What I learned: I learned that story hooks engage your reader and keep them reading. Hooks can be visual, action, dialogue or even decisions.
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.Jessica Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Shy, Nervous, Crafty, and inherited her sister’s gift of sarcasm.
Character Logline: An eight-year-old girl becomes obsessed with horror movies after the death of her mother and soon starts to believe there’s a monster living in her closet.INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie tucks Jessica into bed. Jessica stares at the closet suspiciously.
JESSICA
Can you check…the closet? Please? Mom checked for me…every night.ANNIE
Of course.Jessica approaches the closet, reaches out and opens the door. Nothing but clothes.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
(joking)
If there’s anyone in there…it’s time to leave.There’s no response.
ANNIE
I think you’re good. Just you and me, here.JESSICA
Close it tight.Annie closes the door and pulls it until she hears the latch CLICK.
ANNIE
Get some sleep…I’m gonna take a shower. Good night, Jess.JESSICA
Night…Annie leaves, but before she can close the door.
JESSICA (CONTINUED)
Leave it open!INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
Annie turns on the faucet. The shower head bursts to life, as Annie reaches out to feel the water. She adjusts the temperature.
A t-shirt drops to the floor
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
In the dim light, Jessica watches the closet door like a hawk.
The closet door knob begins to turn.
Jessica pulls her blankets over her head, as the door slowly CREAKS open.
Under the blankets, Jessica squeezes her eyes shut as the sound of footsteps walk across her floor. She waits for a long beat, before throwing her covers back.
The closet is open, but no one is there.
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
Annie lets water cascade down her face, but the shrill sound of Jessica screaming wakes her from a daydream.
ANNIE
Damn it, what now…She rips open the shower curtain to reveal the bathroom door wide open. A large heart has been drawn in the steam on the mirror.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie charges into the room, still dripping from the shower, but Jessica is missing.
ANNIE
Jess?JESSICA (O.S.)
Under here!Annie looks under the bed, where Jessica has squeezed herself to hide.
ANNIE
Uh…what are you doing?Jessica points to the open closet door.
JESSICA
We’re not alone…As soon as she says it, a red ball rolls out of the closet.
The sister’s scream.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Suspense
What I learned: I learned an easy-to-follow template for building suspense in scenes as well as throughout my screenplay.
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.Jessica Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Shy, Nervous, Crafty, and inherited her sister’s gift of sarcasm.
Character Logline: An eight-year-old girl becomes obsessed with horror movies after the death of her mother and soon starts to believe there’s a monster living in her closet.INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie sits on the couch, while Jessica sits on the floor with her legs under the coffee table. Both sisters eat a large bowl of Ramen noodles.
Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho plays on TV.
Through a mouthful of ramen.
JESSICA
I love this part!ANNIE
Yeah, but the falling down the stair’s thing…looks so fake–From the basement, the sound of furniture scraping across the ground.
Jessica, eyes wide with fear, stops chewing. Ramen hangs from her mouth almost comically.
Annie mutes the movie and sets the remote down on the coffee table.
ANNIE
What the hell was that?They listen intently. Suddenly, a loud BOOM, from below the floor.
Jessica spits the ramen back into her bowl.
JESSICA
Bradly at school says it’s the boogeyman. He says he’s living in our house and he wants to eat our souls!ANNIE
Bradly at school is an idiot. Something probably fell downstairs.JESSICA
Yeah? Well…I dare you to go down there and look.Annie isn’t scared.
ANNIE
Fine. You do more chores this week…INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The door slowly opens, revealing the silhouette of Annie and Jessica at the top of the stairs.
In the dark, the sound of footsteps.
JESSICA
Holy shit!ANNIE
Language! But yeah…holy shit.
(calling)
Hello? Who’s down there!Silence.
Annie begins to descend, taking each step as slow as possible. Jessica follows close behind.
JESSICA
Please don’t be the boogeyman. Please don’t be the boogeyman.ANNIE
I got you, Jess. I won’t let anything happen to you.At the base of the stairs, Annie flips the light switch on, illuminating the basement. No one is there.
ANNIE
See? It’s nothing…JESSICA
Then what made that sound?Annie looks around. She doesn’t have an answer.
From upstairs, the TV volume goes FULL BLAST.
Jessica screams!
Annie runs up the stairs.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The TV plays at full volume. Annie rushes in, but the remote is gone from the coffee table. Jessica sticks close to her sister.
ANNIE
Where’s the remote!Jessica shakes her head.
JESSICA
You had it last!The sisters begin searching for it. Jessica searching the couch cushions.
Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down.
ANNIE
What the hell is going on?JESSICA
it’s a ghost!ANNIE
There’s no such thing–The TV remote is thrown hard from the kitchen and EXPLODES against the living room wall.
Annie and Jessica scream in unison. Jessica buries her face in Annie’s shoulder, shaking with fear. A familiar smell.
JESSICA
Is that…is that?ANNIE
Mom’s perfume…The sound of footsteps as they descend the basement stairs.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Anticipatory Dialogue
What I learned: I learned the eleven types of anticipatory dialogue and how they help keep readers turning pages.
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.Jessica Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Shy, Nervous, Crafty, and inherited her sister’s gift of sarcasm.
Character Logline: An eight-year-old girl becomes obsessed with horror movies after the death of her mother and soon starts to believe there’s a monster living in her closet.Jocelyn Wilcox – Side Character
Basic character traits: Free Spirited, Rebellious, Seductive
Character Logline: A free spirited rebel, who lives in fear of her overprotective parents.Danny Laplante – Antagonist
Basic character traits: Traumatized, delusional, Liar, who’s dangerous.
Character Logline: Danny is a high school drop out with a history of mental illness, who becomes obsessed with tormenting Annie after she rejects his affections.INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
The afternoon rush has the baristas working double time, as a group of rowdy high school kids pile through the door. This is the place to be after school.
In the back corner booth, Annie sits with Jocelyn and Jessica. They each drink a giant blended energy drink of various colors, topped with a mountain of whipped cream. Jocelyn’s drink is so large it obscures her face.
JOCELYN
No way!Jessica pushes the drink away, revealing her face.
JESSICA
I hear it every night, in my closet. I swear.ANNIE
Jess, we talked about this.JESSICA
I heard footsteps!JOCELYN
This is so fucking cool! I’m snapping Armando!Jocelyn fingers move fast as lightning over her phone.
ANNIE
It’s just a creaky old house.Jocelyn receives a message and smiles.
JOCELYN
It’s on! Tonight! We’re having a Séance!Jessica’s eyes go wide.
JESSICA
Like The Changeling?JOCELYN
The…what?From across the coffee shop, the bell above the door rings. Annie recognizes him instantly. It’s Danny Laplante. She sits down low in the booth.
Danny takes a place at the end of the order line.
ANNIE
Oh shit! It’s him!Jocelyn and Jessica both lean over at the same time to look.
JOCELYN
Who?ANNIE
The dude I ditched at the fair.JOCELYN
Oh yeah! What’s his face…JESSICA
Danny.JOCELYN
(shouts)
Hey Danny!Jocelyn ducks low in the booth, laughing.
Danny looks over, sees Annie.
ANNIE
What are you doing! Oh, shit! He saw me. He’s coming over…Danny appears at Annie’s table. He looks unwell, dark circles under his eyes, like he hasn’t slept.
DANNY
Hi, Annie. You’re alive…ANNIE
Uh….yeah…about that.DANNY
It’s my fault. I…I know I freaked you out. I just wanted to apologize.ANNIE
Thanks.Jocelyn clears her throat.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
Oh…this is my friend Jocelyn and this is my little sister, Jessica.Danny doesn’t see them. He looks only at Annie.
JOCELYN
S’up?JESSICA
We’re having a séance.Danny finally breaks eye contact with Annie.
DANNY
A séance? Sounds spooky…JESSICA
Our house is haunted…ANNIE
Jessica!DANNY
Hauntings can be dangerous. Maybe I could come over and–ANNIE
–No! Uh…I mean…my dad won’t allow boys over when he’s not home.DANNY
Well…what he doesn’t know, won’t kill him, right?Annie looks to Jocelyn for help.
JOCELYN
Sorry bro, girls only. Like, catch a hint.Danny glares at Jocelyn
DANNY
You think it’s your mom? Haunting you?It’s the first time Jessica has thought of this. Her face becomes concerned.
ANNIE
We should go…The girls squeeze out of the booth and head towards the door.
DANNY
(loud)
Maybe she just wants you to apologize?!JOCELYN
Take a shower, bro!
Annie doesn’t look back. The door crashes as she escapes out the door.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Anticipation Scene
What I learned: First thing I learned is that copy and pasting from a pdf is very difficult. The lesson was eye opening, as it was the first time I really studied a scene that closely.
Movie: The Sixth Sense
Background: Cole is a troubled kid in need of therapy. We don’t yet know why that is.
SCENE:
INT. LAUNDRY ROOM – MORNING
A hand turns off a radio, shutting off the morning news.
A small dog with two different colored eyes sticks his head out of the dryer, where he plays with the newly-dried clothes.
LYNN SEAR reaches in and pulls out a blouse.
She shakes it in the air and slips it on as she dresses hurriedly for work.
Lynn is a woman in her late twenties. One hundred percent South Philly. Hair teased. She chews on an early morning piece of Trident. Under all of it, Lynn Sear is an attractive and sweet-looking young woman.
NOTE: This is a great example of Vivid Visual Description. I feel I know everything I need to know about Lynn.
Lynn enters THE KITCHEN through a swinging door.
A bowl of cereal and milk sit on a table in an empty kitchen.
Lynn stares at a handful of kitchen CABINETS and DRAWERS that are open.
Lynn shakes her head.
NOTE: The author sets up the kitchen cabinets and drawers that will later payoff. You also get the sense that this event has happened before.
LYNN
Cole.She closes them one at a time before moving to the coffee machine.
Lynn shivers a little. She leans over the thermostat and raises the heat. She returns to her post at the coffee machine.
NOTE: More setup with the thermostat temperature. Setting up intrigue from the get/go.
TINY FOOTSTEPS.
Lynn turns to see Cole standing in his private school uniform.
LYNN
Your Cocoa Puffs are getting soggy.Lynn walks over to Cole. Checks his tie.
LYNN
You got a spot.Lynn unclips the tie. Cole takes a seat at the kitchen table as Lynn walks back into the laundry room.
The dog is gone now. Lynn reaches into the dryer, digging for a new tie. She finds one, then turns and steps back into the kitchen and SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS.
Every cabinet and every drawer is wide open.
Cole sits at the kitchen table. His hands are pressed flat on the tabletop.
He looks shaken.
NOTE: The scare hooks you instantly and sets up suspense and uncertainty. Is the kid playing games? Or is it something more sinister?
Neither says anything for a beat.
LYNN
(shaken)
Something you were looking for, baby?Beat.
COLE
(shaken)
Pop Tarts.Lynn looks over to the open cabinet near the sink. The pop tarts are clearly visible.
LYNN
They’re right here.COLE
Oh.NOTE: The payoff for the cabinets…The fact that they’re both scared, but unwilling to talk about it is very telling and creates a feeling of terror.
Cole gets up from the table. Takes his pop tarts. Doesn’t make eye contact.
COLE
What are you thinking, Momma?LYNN
Lots of things.COLE
Anything bad about me?NOTE: The subtext leads me to believe that the kid fears losing his mother’s love.
Lynn leans down.
LYNN
Look at my face.Cole does.
LYNN
I wasn’t thinking anything bad about you, got it?He looks at her eyes. Beat.
COLE
Got it.NOTE: We instantly love Lynn. She’s a good mom struggling to understand her toubled son.
THE DOOR BELL RINGS.
COLE
(soft)
That’s Tommy, Momma.Cole quietly kisses his mother on the cheek and starts out.
LYNN
Don’t you want this?Cole turns to see Lynn holding the pop tarts. He walks back and takes them from her before leaving.
Beat. Lynn glances to the kitchen table. Her gaze stops on the TWO TINY HAND PRINTS OF SWEAT formed on the table’s surface.
Lynn stands motionless in the kitchen. She looks up and wraps her arms around her shivering shoulders.
NOTE: We get more setup for the temperature in the house that will payoff later in the script. From this scene, we are hooked by the conundrum…what is happening here? Could it be paranormal?
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand is Being Dramatic
What I learned is: I really loved this module and feel I learned the most from it. Really looking forward to the next module.
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.Jessica Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Shy, Nervous, Crafty, and inherited her sister’s gift of sarcasm.
Character Logline: An eight-year-old girl becomes obsessed with horror movies after the death of her mother and soon starts to believe there’s a monster living in her closet.Jack Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Exhausted, foul-mouthed, conservative father, who’s protective of his daughters.
Character Logline: Jack is an overworked auto mechanic, who’s grieving the death of his wife, Nora, while struggling with alcoholism and his daughter’s deteriorating mental health.Jocelyn Wilcox –Side Character
Basic character traits: Free Spirited, Rebellious, Seductive
Character Logline: A free spirited rebel, who lives in fear of her overprotective parents.INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The room is lit by candles, sporadically placed around the room. They flicker ominously.
Annie sits on the floor, in a semicircle with Jessica, Jocelyn. They watch as their flamboyant Spanish friend, ARMANDO HERRERA, 17, prepares for the seance. Around his neck, a necklace of different colored crystals. He takes this very seriously.
ANNIE
Are you sure about this, guys?ARMANDO
Oh yes…don’chu worry, baby. My abuela taught me everything I know…JOCELYN
Yeah…chill. He knows what he’s doing.In the center of the human circle, lays Nora’s wedding dress. Armando lights a series of candles surrounding the dress.
ARMANDO
The candles are used to attract the spirit with warmth and light.Next, he lights some incense. The smoke wafts up into the air.
ARMANDO
And the incense will increase my psychic powers.ANNIE
Great. My dad’s gonna think I’ve been smoking weed down here…Armando pulls out a wood pentagram.
The pentagram makes Annie uncomfortable.
JESSICA
Cool!ARMANDO
This is a–JESSICA
Pentagram!Armando is shocked.
JESSICA (CONTINUED)
What? I like horror movies…ARMANDO
(irritated)
Don’t steal my thunder, kid…Yes, this is a pentagram. Together, we will use it to draw power to our circle.He sets the pentagram down on top of the dress.
ARMANDO (CONTINUED)
Picture, please?Annie hands Armando a framed photo of Nora. He places it above the wedding dress.
ARMANDO
Alright….let’s begin. Everyone, join hands.Jocelyn takes Annie’s hand first, then the others follow. Annie fights an urge to smile.
ARMANDO
Close your eyes and clear your mind. To make contact, we must all be one…feel the energy growing within the circle.Annie peaks at Jocelyn. She’s fully bought in.
ARMANDO
Tonight, we are here to speak to the spirit of Nora Andrews. Please, Nora, join us in this circle and communicate with us. We invite only, Nora Andrews. We claim protection from all evil beings. Let only Nora enter this circle, tonight.There’s a moment of silence, broken when Armando GASPS.
JESSICA
What is it?ARMANDO
She’s here. I can feel her presence.JESSICA
Annie, I’m scared.ANNIE
Maybe we should stop…A large bang from the wall makes the group jump.
ARMANDO
She wants to make contact.JOCELYN
Let’s keep going!ANNIE
Uh…okay, I guess.ARMANDO
Everyone, place a hand on the planchette and keep the image of Mrs. Andrews in your mind.Armando clears his throat.
ARMANDO
I am speaking to the spirit of Nora Andrews. Please give us a sign of your presence.From somewhere deep in a wall comes a faint TAPPING.
JOCELYN
Did you hear that?ANNIE
Hear what?ARMANDO
Spirits can communicate a whole lotta different ways…tapping is a common one.JESSICA
Mom…is that you!?In response, another series of KNOCKS from a different part of the wall.
ANNIE
Holy shit!ARMANDO
Mrs. Andrews, if that is you, give us a sign of your presence.From upstairs, a door SLAMS, followed by the sound of footsteps walking across the house.
JESSICA
I told you! I told you mom is haunting us!ARMANDO
Mrs. Andrews, please use one tap for yes and two taps for no. Do you understand?The question is answered with one TAP.
ARMANDO
Annie, talk to your mom.Annie looks reluctant.
ANNIE
I don’t…I don’t know what to say?JOCELYN
Just, trust your heart…ANNIE
Okay…uh…mom? Is that…really you?One tap replies yes.
ANNIE
Mom…why are you here?ARMANDO
Remember, only yes or no questions.ANNIE
Right…uh…Mom, have you been trying to talk to us?One tap, yes.
JESSICA
Do you need our help?One knock.
ANNIE
How can we help, mom? How can we help you!No answer.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
Are you trapped here?Two knocks.
JESSICA
Are you here to say goodbye?One knock.
ANNIE
Mom…I…I’m so sorry. It’s my fault.Annie eyes flood with tears. They stream down her cheeks.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
If I hadn’t been driving…you’d still be here.One knock.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
See? See! She blames me…I knew it.Annie let’s go of Jocelyn and Armando’s hands.
ARMANDO
Wait! Breaking the circle can be dangerous….The knocking behind the wall starts POUNDING. It sounds like something is going to come through the wall.
ARMANDO
Dios mio, man!Annie quickly takes Jocelyn and Armando’s hand again. The pounding stops.
JOCELYN
Holy shitballs!JESSICA
She’s very angry.ANNIE
Mom….do you blame me for your death.For a long moment, there’s silence.
One tap.
The answer sinks in as Annie’s face fills with dread and pain.
Up the stairs, the basement door SLAMS open. The teenagers look up to see JACK ANDREWS. His face both shock and anger.
JACK
The fuck is going on down here?He tromps down the stairs, flips on the light, revealing the kids sitting around an altar. The wedding dress. The pentagram. The candles. Angry, he stumbles forward, clearly intoxicated.
JACK (CONTINUED)
Wha…what are you doing? What is this…devil worship!?Jack reaches down and grabs Nora’s dress. Pulls it free from the pentagram.
ANNIE
Dad…wait–JACK
Party’s over. Ya’ll need to go home. Go!Armando quickly gathers his things without making eye contact with Jack.
ANNIE
We were just hanging out–JACK
Smoking weed, by the looks of it! Which one of you drank all my beer.Annie’s temper detonates in 3…2…1…
ANNIE
We’re not smoking weed. No one drank your fucking beer, you God damn alcoholic!JACK
Ah fuck, here we go with that bullshit. Why do you think I drink? Maybe because it’s like walking on fucking egg shells around you? Well, those shells are ground to dust now!ANNIE
Oh, shit…sorry dad! I mean I just lost my fucking mom! You might notice we’re hurting…except your too busy cuddling mom’s wedding dress every night, getting loaded!JACK
I lost her too, God damn it. Did you forget that? I lost her too! She was my wife before she was your mom! She was my best friend! And I have to live every day with–ANNIE
Say it! Say it! With the girl that killed her!Jocelyn pushes Jessica and Armando up the stairs.
JOCELYN
I’ll text you…JACK
I didn’t say that, Annie.ANNIE
Yeah…well…you didn’t have to. Your face says it all. I wish you were dead. Not mom!Annie runs up the stairs, as her father calls up after her.
JACK
Yeah, well…if I had a gun, that wouldn’t be problem! Trust me!He looks down at Nora’s wedding dress in his hands. He balls it up into mess of lace and fabric.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand Creates a Future
What I learned: I learned that every scene should propel your viewer into the future of your script.
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.Danny Laplante – Antagonist
Basic character traits: Traumatized, delusional, Liar, who’s dangerous.
Character Logline: Danny is a high school drop out with a history of mental illness, who becomes obsessed with tormenting Annie after she rejects his affections.EXT. PARKING LOT – WEDDING VENUE – NIGHT
Annie leads Jessica by the hand, through a field of parked cars.
JESSICA
Is mom and dad fighting?ANNIE
When are they not fight? Hurry up.The sisters cut through a row of cars and find their parents arguing beside their car.
JACK
(slurred)
Just…gimme the fucking keys, Nora.NORA
(angry)
You said you had this under control!JACK
(angry)
I’m fine! Gimme the keys…NORA
Get in the car, Jack. Pull yourself together…for the kids.Annie and Jessica approach quietly. Fire burning in Annie’s eyes.
JACK
(cheerful)
Hey kids. Ready to go?Nora opens the car door and Jessica jumps inside.
ANNIE
Don’t fucking talk to me.JACK
Whoa! Language!ANNIE
You are so embarrassing!Jack stumbles forward towards Annie, but Nora steps between them. She places a hand firmly on Jack’s chest.
NORA
Stop! Both of you. Get in the car, Jack.She motions towards the backseat, but Jack isn’t having it.
JACK
Give me…my fucking…keys!Nora’s had enough.
NORA
(whispers)
Get in the backseat, Jack or so help me God, I will leave you here. I will leave you and take the kids…Jack goes to say something, but the look on Nora’s face stops him cold. He caves and plops himself down next to Jessica in the backseat. She ignores him, lost in her Nintendo Switch.
Nora slams the door in his face. She can’t face Annie.
NORA
Annie….I need you to…I need you to drive.ANNIE
But…I…Nora turns, tears in her eyes. Embarrassed.
NORA
I’ve had too much to drink, hon.
(rolls her eyes)
Your dad promised he’d be the designated driver. What was I thinking?Annie looks down at the ground. Nervous.
ANNIE
It’s a long way home, mom. I’ve never drove at night.NORA
You’ll do fine, sweetheart. You need the practice. I’ll be right beside you.Nora holds the keys out to Annie. They drop into the palm of her hand.
ANNIE
Dad’s got a real problem, mom.Jack bangs on the window.
JACK
(muffled)
Let’s go, already!NORA
C’mon…let’s get home.INT. ANDREW’S CAR – NIGHT
Annie’s hand reached down the seat, adjusts the seat lever. She adjusts the mirror, avoiding her father’s eye contact in the reflection.
Keys enter the ignition and the engine turns over.
NORA
Okay, are you good with the mirrors?ANNIE
Yeah…yeah, I’m good.NORA
Go ahead and throw it in reverse. Remember head on a swivel.Annie pulls the gear shift into reverse.
EXT. ANDREW’S CAR – PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Reverse lights illuminate and the car pulls slowly out of its spot.
INT. ANDREW’S CAR – NIGHT
Annie white knuckle grips the steering wheel as she looks over her shoulder.
NORA
Good. Very good. Okay, throw it in drive and we’ll head out over there.She motions to a gravel road in the distance.
Annie shifts into drive. She lets off the brake a little to fast. The car lurches forward, before she can stomp the break.
JACK
Jesus! Damn near broke my neck back here!ANNIE
Sorry!NORA
Don’t be sorry. Remember, easy does it.Annie slowly releases the brake, then applies gentle pressure to the gas pedal. The car rolls forward.
NORA
Perfect. See? You got this.JACK
At this pace, we’ll be home sometime next week.Nora shoots Jack a dirty look.
NORA
Ignore him. Take a left onto the road.EXT. ANDREW’S CAR – MOVING – NIGHT
The left turn signal illuminates the dark field. The car comes to a full stop, then pulls painfully slow into the road.
INT. ANDREW’S CAR – MOVING – LATER
Nora stares out the window, lost in thought.
NORA
Carol looked so beautiful tonight. Wasn’t that a beautiful wedding?ANNIE
Yeah, until Dad ruined it.Jack stares daggers at Annie.
JACK
Over a couple of homo’s? Shit, man…NORA
They looked so happy together…ANNIE
It’s twenty-twenty-one, dad. Gay people exist.Nora attempts to change the subject.
NORA
I think I’m going to take a bath when we get home–JACK
–So…a gay deer walks out of a bar and says, “I can’t believe I just blew fifty bucks, in there.”He laughs hard at his own joke. No one else thinks it’s funny.
JACK (CONTINUED)
C’mon….that was funny!ANNIE
Asshole…EXT. RURAL ROAD – NIGHT
The Andrew’s car approaches a four-way intersection as a large truck approaches from a side road. A yellow light blinks its warning.
EXT. ANDREW’S CAR – MOVING – NIGHT
Through the windshield, the approaching headlights grow closer.
ANNIE
What do I do?NORA
You’ve got the right of way. They’ll stop.EXT. INTERSECTION – NIGHT
An obnoxiously large truck, flying two American flags over its cab, rolls to a stop at the intersection and waits for the Andrew’s car to pass.
INT. ANDREW’S CAR – MOVING – NIGHT
Through the review mirror, the truck pulls out onto the road and quickly catches up, riding Annie’s bumper dangerously close.
ANNIE
Mom? What do I do?Nora looks over her shoulder, blinded by the truck’s headlights.
NORA
It’s okay. Slow down…I think they want to pass.The speedometer drops from 40mph, down to 30mph.
The truck flashes his high beams and honks wildly.
JACK
What does this prick want?Jack rolls down the window and waves them by.
The truck revs it’s engines and screams by the Andrew’s car.
JACK
(screams)
Fuck you!The truck cuts Annie off and speeds off.
ANNIE
Jesus!NORA
Annie, don’t use the lord’s name in vain.ANNIE
Sorry.There’s a moment of silent tension.
JACK
Why can’t women wear miniskirts in San Francisco?ANNIE
Dad, stop.NORA
Jack, please…JACK (CONTINUED)
Because their balls would show!Jack erupts into a fit of laughter.
ANNIE
Dad!Annie looks over her shoulder and glares at her dad. If looks could kill.
Nora’s eyes widen as the truck in front them slams on their breaks.
NORA
(screams)
Stop!But Annie doesn’t realize her mom is talking to her. She returns focus back to the road, but it’s too late.
The car slams hard into the back of the truck.
Blackness.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Misleads/Reveals
What I learned: I learned that misleads and reveals are seriously fun to write!
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Subtext: Hiding Something. (She’s gay.)Jessica Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Shy, Nervous, Crafty, and inherited her sister’s gift of sarcasm.
Subtext: Afraid to say.INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie is fast asleep on the couch, as the finale of an 80’s slasher movie plays in the background. A clock reads 1:17am.
From the kitchen, a deep and unnatural voice echoes throughout the house.
VOICE (O.S.)
Aaaaaannie!Annie bolts upright, eyes wide open. Panic on her face as she stands and looks around.
ANNIE
Hell….hello? Who’s there?VOICE (O.S.)
I’m going to guuuut you!A masked figure, dressed in black bursts forth, from the darkened kitchen.
Annie screams and bolts upstairs.
BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS
Annie shuts the door and jumps into the bathtub, drawing the curtain. She holds her hands over her mouth to muffle her breathing.
The bathroom door knob turns slowly. Annie holds her breath as the door CREAKS open.
ANNIE’S POV
A dark silhouette approaches, reaching out for the shower curtain.
BACK TO SCENE
Annie’s eyes widen with terror.
MASKED FIGURE POV
A gloved hand rips the shower curtain open, as Annie SCREAMS bloody murder as the gloved hand brings down a knife like object, over and over. Annie’s screams turn to laughter as she collapses into the tub.
ANNIE
You got me. I’m dead! I’m dead!BACK TO SCENE
The gloved hand flips on the bathroom light and pulls a mask off to reveal Jessica decked out in a serial killer Halloween costume. In her hand is a retractable knife. Jessica’s smile is ear to ear. She’s having a blast.
JESSICA
I wanna be the killer again!Annie groans.
ANNIE
It’s late kiddo and we got school tomorrow.Now Jessica groans.
JESSICA
Ah, man!ANNIE
C’mon…I’ll tuck you in.CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Crucible
What I learned: I learned that a crucible puts two opposing characters in a closed environment, where they are forced to face each other.
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Subtext: Hiding Something. (She’s gay.)Danny Laplante – Antagonist
Basic character traits: Traumatized, delusional, Liar, who’s dangerous.
Subtext: Plotting/SchemingINT. DANNY’S HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
DANNY’S POV
Over complete darkness, the deep bass of a muffled heartbeat. Somewhere faint, the steady chirp of hospital equipment.
Time moves differently, as ghost like figures of nurses and police investigators drift in and out of the room. Their bodies a blur of motion.
A male shape leans close. His voice deep and drawn out like a half speed recording.
DETECTIVE
Danny. I know you can hear me, Danny. I need to ask you a few questions–DOCTOR (O.S,)
— Detective, please. He’s in no shape…The voice falls away as the darkness overtakes Danny. A new voice, familiar and motherly.
DANNY’S MOM (O.S.)
(whispers)
They gave you the good stuff…I made sure of it, hon. My sweet boy.The darkness begins to lift. Eye’s blink away the cobwebs of drowsiness.
Danny’s eye’s snap open to reveal Annie, standing in the shadows at the foot of his hospital bed. Her face is calm.
END DANNY’S POV
Danny lays in a hospital bed, under blankets. The hatchet now removed from his shoulder, replaced by bandages that are now seeping blood.
ANNIE
(seething)
Hello, Danny.DANNY
(weak)
A…ann…Annie? I knew…I knew you’d come…for me. I knew you…come back to me.ANNIE
Shut the fuck up, Danny. You need to listen.A flash of anger, as Danny lunges for Annie only to find both hands handcuffed to the bed.
There is no fear
ANNIE
Whatever this is? It’s over.DANNY
Don’t say that….don’t! We’re meant…to be….together!ANNIE
No, Danny.DANNY
(screams)
You don’t say no, to me!
(sweetly)
I know you, Annie. I know you better than anyone. You…need me! I’m the only one who gets you.ANNIE
No, Danny! You don’t get me. You will never get me. This…this is the last time we will ever speak. This…is the last time you will ever see me. So, I want you to listen, very carefully. Leave…me…alone. Leave my family alone! Stay far away from us. Do you understand, Danny? I’m telling you, no. To be crystal fucking clear…I do not want to be with you. I do not want to be your friend. And you certainly ain’t my fucking mom! You need to get this in your sick head. Fuck no, Danny. You need to listen when a girl says no. You…are not allowed to do this to me. Or anyone!DANNY
(sweetly)
I’ll convince you. You’ll see…ANNIE
I’m warning you, Danny. Stay the fuck away from me and my family.DANNY
(angry)
Or what? What are you gonna do, Annie!?ANNIE
I’ll kill you.Danny laughs and winces at the pain.
DANNY
Don’t…don’t make me laugh…ANNIE
I’m not afraid of you, Danny.DANNY
You will be.Now Annie laughs.
ANNIE
I know you can’t hear this right now. But you need help Danny. Real help. You’re mentally ill, dude. Luckily, the prison will see that you get the therapy you need.DANNY
(angry)
Therapy?! Everyone’s answer to the fucked-up things we do to each other is therapy! My daddy…he could’a used therapy. Maybe it would’ve prevented him from touchin’ me all those years. Oh…yeah…mommy knew. But she didn’t fuckin’ care! Because when he was busy with me…she wasn’t taking a beating. Is that why I’m crazy, you think? Is that why they sent me to Dr. Horen? Ten years old, spillin’ my guts out to a man I was told was an authority figure. He sure did love those stories about my dad! Used to make me tell them…while he was raping me. Over and over….Tears fall down Danny’s cheeks.
ANNIE
Oh my god, Danny…did you…did you tell someone?DANNY
Everyone! You think they believed? You think they believed a troubled, ten year old punk…like me? They laughed and sent me back. And when he finally got busted…you know what they said? They said…this kid’s gonna need…therapy.ANNIE
I’m sorry Danny.DANNY
Why can’t you love me?!Annie walks to the door.
DANNY (CONTINUED)
Why! Why can’t you love me?!Without looking back.
ANNIE
Goodbye, Danny.With that, she’s gone.
DANNY
Annie! Come back! Annie?CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Amazing Setting
What I learned: I learned that you can reimagine the essence of a scene by providing a more interesting backdrop/setting.
BEFORE:
Essence of Scene: Annie overhears her father tell someone that Nora would still be alive if he hadn’t let Annie drive.
Setting: Andrew’s house – Funeral Reception
AFTER:
New Setting: Funeral home. I feel like it will add more drama if this scene actually takes place at the funeral home. Due to the severity of the car accident, it will be a closed casket service, which will add some more drama.
BEFORE:
Essence of Scene: Annie, Jocelyn and Jessica walk home from school and decide to do a séance to make contact with the spirit of the house.
Setting: Ext. Neighborhood – day
AFTER:
New Setting: Coffee Shop. The popular hangout after school. It will be nice to see Annie hangout someplace other than her home and it would make sense to set it at a coffee shop. This also gives another opportunity to have Danny show up. Or maybe lurking in the background.
-
Rob Bertrand’s Set Ups and Payoffs
What I learned: Another good lesson reinforcing the importance of solid setups and payoffs. It was fun to use the set up and payoff in one scene, as opposed to setting up early, then paying off in a later scene.
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Subtext: Hiding Something. (She’s gay.)Jocelyn Wilcox – Side Character
Basic character traits: Free Spirited, Rebellious, Seductive
Subtext: Seducing InfluenceDanny Laplante – Antagonist
Basic character traits: Traumatized, delusional, Liar, who’s dangerous.
Subtext: Plotting/SchemingINT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
CLOSE ON Annie’s face as a makeup brush puts the finishing touches on the perfect smokey eye. Music plays from a blue tooth speaker.
Holding the brush, is JOCELYN WILCOX, 17. Her pink hair, nose ring and punk rock t-shirt hint at a part time rebel. A joint hangs seductively from her lips.
The girls sit facing each other on Annie’s bed, by an open window.
ANNIE
Wait…You broke up? You were supposed to be my double?JOCELYN
Fuck, Dylan. I’m done. Like, for reals this time.ANNIE
Dude! This is what…split number seven?JOCELYN
Whatever! I mean it. He’s such a momma’s boy. It’s gross, actually. Always comparing me to his mom.
(mocking)
Make my sandwich this way. Fold my underpants that way. Touch my penis like she does…ANNIE
Stop!As Annie laughs, Jocelyn leans back and checks her work.
JOCELYN
Okay…crisis adverted. Promise me you’ll stay off those makeup tutorials?Annie lifts a hand mirror and admires her work.
ANNIE
I said, God damn! You are a freaking artist.JOCELYN
It’s easy…when the canvas is gorgeous.Annie blushes.
ANNIE
You gonna let me hit that?A flirtatious smile on Jocelyn’s face.
JOCELYN
I’m thinking about it…For a moment it’s awkward.
Jocelyn hands Annie the joint. She takes a puff then blows the smoke out the window, through a toilet roll stuffed with dyer sheets.
Annie feels Jocelyn’s gaze. Can’t bring herself to make eye contact.
ANNIE
Okay…hear me out. My dad’s got to work tonight. I’m thinkin’, you…me….a veggie pizza? This dank weed and some netflix?
(realizes)
Oh shit! He’ll be here soon, I better cancel…Vibration from Annie’s phone. Her screen fills up with a picture of a ruggedly handsome, blonde athlete.
Jocelyn scoops up Annie’s phone and reads the text message.
DANNY (TEXT)
See you soon!JOCELYN
Oh my God! Is this him?Annie shrugs.
ANNIE
Yeah.JOCELYN
He’s hot! Oh…you are so going!Jocelyn furiously types a response before Annie can stop her.
ANNIE
What are you doing!?ANNIE (TEXT)
Can’t wait!Annie rips her phone out of Jocelyn’s hand.
JOCELYN
You’ll thank me for this, later.ANNIE
You bitch!JOCELYN
How’d you meet him, again?ANNIE
He hit me up on Snap.JOCELYN
You’re dating a Snap Stranger?ANNIE
He’s…Well, he’s not a stranger, really. We’ve been talking a few months. Just as friends! He got me through a rough patch after my mom. You know…when you were in Europe. Having a blast…JOCELYN
Then you owe it to him. At least this one date.ANNIE
I don’t want to go without you and Dylan. Fuck it, I’m cancelling.The doorbell.
Jocelyn bolts for the door, with Annie in hot pursuit.
LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn hides behind the door as Annie holds her breath.
JOCELYN
(whispers)
You got this!Annie’s trembling hand turns the doorknob and opens the door to reveal.
DANNY LAPLANTE, 17, black greasy hair and a bad complexion, wearing a rumpled t-shirt most likely pulled from a dirty hamper. His skinny body, the polar opposite of the picture on Annie’s phone. In his hands, a bouquet of gas station flowers.
ANNIE
Uh…can I help you?DANNY
Annie, it’s me. Danny.Annie is confused.
ANNIE
Wait..what?DANNY
Uh…yeah. I can explain…ANNIE
Are you…are you catfishing me, Danny?DANNY
What? No…no, of course not. It’s just…Well, I knew you wouldn’t give me the time of day if you really knew what I looked like. I wanted you to get to know me…for the real me, you know?Annie shakes her head.
DANNY
Listen…most girls are only into me for my money. I just wanted…It’s just…I wanted to connect with you mentally, first. Please. Please give me a chance?ANNIE
Give me a sec. Okay?DANNY
Sure. Yeah. No problem.Annie closes the door.
ANNIE
(whispers)
Abort. Abort. Abort.Jocelyn looks through the peephole.
JOCELYN
(whispers)
Aww, he bought you flowers.ANNIE
(whispers)
Do I look like the type of girl that likes flowers?Jocelyn stifles a giggle.
JOCELYN
(whispers)
What’s the harm in going to the fair with him?ANNIE
(whispers)
If I go…you go with me.JOCELYN
(whispers)
Jessica and I will follow from a distance. Things go south, we swoop in.ANNIE
(whispers)
You better!JOCELYN
(whispers)
I got you, Boo.Annie opens the door. Danny waits nervously, biting a hangnail.
ANNIE
Okay, I’ll be right out.Danny shoves the flowers in her face.
CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Twists
What I learned: I learned that audiences love realistic twists and I am definitely one of them. After writing my scene, it really hit me that I’m creating a modern-day Psycho with a twist.
Jack Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Exhausted, foul-mouthed, conservative father, who’s protective of his daughters.
Subtext: Hiding something (alcoholism)EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Tires screech to a halt.
Jack rips the truck door open and stomps his way up the driveway. He’s greeted by his neighbor, LARRY, who’s wearing an old bathrobe and slippers.
LARRY
Hey, Jack. Sorry to bother you at work, but the girls were pretty worked up.JACK
What else is new, Larry?Larry nods his understanding.
LARRY
I hope you don’t mind, but I went in and took a look around. Everything seemed normal. I got the girls at my place with Bev.
(beat)
I didn’t call the cops. You know…on account of last time…JACK
Thanks, Larry. I’m gonna take a quick look around. I’ll be over in a minute.LARRY
Roger that.INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The front door creaks open to reveal Jack. He steps inside the dark room and let’s his eyes adjust. It’s anything but normal.
The house is completely wrecked.
Furniture toppled. Pillow cushions are slashed. Stuffing everywhere. Pictures frames smashed and destroyed. Static plays on the TV.
JACK
What in the holy fuck?Jack hits the light switch, but nothing happens. He checks the lamp. The bulb is smashed. In fact, every bulb in the house is broken.
JACK
That’s great. That’s just fucking great!KITCHEN – NIGHT
The kitchen looks like a bomb went off. Cabinets emptied of their dishes and smashed on the floor. The contents of the refrigerator, scattered everywhere.
Jacks face is pure rage.
His boots crunch broken glass, as he examines the mess.
A floorboard creaks above him.
STAIRWAY – NIGHT
The sound of familiar music stops Jack at the base of the stairs. It’s coming from his bedroom.
JACK
Hello?Cautiously, Jack ascends the stairs. Stepping carefully over broken photo frames.
HALLWAY – NIGHT
The Master Bedroom door is slightly cracked. The sound of wedding music and muffled conversations.
Jack trembling hand pushes the door. It swings open to reveal his vandalized bedroom.
JACK’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Jack enters, taking in the destruction. The bed has been ripped to shreds. Knick knacks and picture frames smashed. It’s worse than downstairs.
The TV on his dresser, plays Nora and Jack’s wedding video. A reminder of better days.
A message written in red lipstick on Nora’s vanity mirror, sends Jack into a rage. It reads: MARRY ME!
JACK
(screams)
God damn it, Annie! Fuck!He plops himself down on his shredded mattress and places his head in his hands. He fights back tears.
Jack opens his eyes to an unbroken bottle of Jack Daniels on his nightstand. A handwritten note reads: DRINK ME – NORA.
He wipes the tears from his eyes and picks up the bottle. Unscrews the top, then holds the bottle to his nose and breathes it in.
He stops himself.
JACK
Nora…Nora, are you really here? Please, baby. Why are you doing this?He listens. Only the sound of wedding music. Jack sighs with desperation.
JACK
I don’t know what I’m doing, Nora. I’m fucking this all up without you. Our daughters…our daughters are hurting so bad, I don’t know…I don’t know how to help them.Jack squeezes the bottle, while fighting back tears.
JACK (CONTINUED)
Tell me…. Tell me, what to do? Ah…fuck. Please! Nora…please?! I am so lost without you. What do I do? Don’t talk to the girls…talk to me! Talk to me, God damn it!Jack closes his eyes and brings the bottle to his lips. But he hesitates. He wants to, more than anything.
But he doesn’t. Jack lowers the bottle and releases an earth-shattering wail, deep from the bottom of his soul.
He lifts his head and see’s the vanity mirror message. Without thinking he heaves the bottle at the mirror and it explodes in a shower of glass and booze.
In the remaining shards of glass, movement behind Jack. The reflection is of Nora, in her wedding dress.
JACK
Nora!Jack spins, expecting to see Nora, but stops dead in his tracks. Creeping horror across Jack’s faces as he realizes the person wearing the wedding dress is not his late wife.
It’s DANNY LAPLANTE. Wearing a filthy blonde wig and Nora’s tattered wedding dress from the trash can. Makeup roughly applied to his dirty face, in an attempt to look more feminine. His grin, pure evil.
Before Jack can react, Danny raises a hatchet above his head and SCREAMS
CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand Dramatic Irony
What I learned: I learned that dramatic irony allows the audience in on a secret that the characters don’t know.
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.Jessica Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Shy, Nervous, Crafty, inherited her sister’s gift of sarcasm.
An eight-year-old girl becomes obsessed with horror movies after the death of her mother and soon comes to believe the house is haunted by her mother’s spirit.Jack Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Exhausted, foul-mouthed, conservative father, who’s protective of his daughters.
Character Logline: Jack is an overworked auto mechanic, who’s grieving the death of his wife, Nora, while struggling with alcoholism and his daughter’s deteriorating mental health.INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
A beam of light penetrates the dark of the basement.
At the top of the stairs, Annie stands in the doorway. Holding a flashlight, she scans the basement for signs of danger.
Jessica peers around the safety of her sister. Looking down the stairs, into the abyss.
JESSICA
See anything?ANNIE
No. Nothing–GHOST (O.S.)
(whispers)
Annie.Annie and Jessica both go stiff with fear.
JESSICA
Mom?ANNIE
Shhhh. Listen.They hold still, listening to the cold ambient noise of the basement. They are startled by a scratching noise. Something is down there.
ANNIE
Fuck me. Tell me you heard that?JESSICA
I want dad.Annie shakes her head.
ANNIE
He doesn’t believe us, Jess. We’ve got to be sure.Annie looks down into the dark.
ANNIE (CONTINUED)
We’ve got to go down there.JESSICA
Are you crazy? I ain’t going down there. No way.ANNIE
If we call Dad and it turns out to be nothing…again…he’s going to murder us. Just a quick peek. Okay?Annie holds a hand out for Jessica. After a moment, Jessica takes it.
The sisters descend the stairs, one step at a time. When they reach the basement floor, Jessica tries the light switch. It doesn’t work.
INT. BASEMENT WALL – CONTINUOUS
POV: Through a hole in the wall, we watch Annie and Jessica search the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS
Annie swings the flashlight beam around the room.
JESSICA
Let’s go back, Annie. I got a bad feeling…It looks safe until…
ANNIE
Oh my god!The flashlight beam falls on a fresh bloody message written on the wall by the freezer: “YOUR FAULT!”
JESSICA
I told you it’s mom!As the message sinks in, the freezer lurches forward, by itself, scraping the floor.
The sisters SCREAM in unison.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
All is quiet until the front door bursts open. The sister’s screams echo through the neighborhood, as they flee across the grass towards the neighbor’s house.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Jack follows POLICE OFFICER #1 and POLICE OFFICER #2 down the basement stairs and flips the light switch. It’s working now.
POLICE OFFICER #1
The message is over here…In the full light, we see the message in all its messy glory. Jack shakes his head in disbelief.
No one notices the freezer has been moved back into place.
POLICE OFFICER #2
Your fault? That mean something to you?JACK
What the fuck. Is that…is that blood?Police Officer #2 moves to take a closer look. He dips a finger into the dripping red substance. Smells it. Smiles, then tastes it.
POLICE OFFICER #2
It’s ketchup. It’s frickin ketchup!POLICE OFFICER #1
Jack, I know your girls have been through a lot–JACK
–Are you saying my girls did this?POLICE OFFICER #1
We’ve searched the entire house, Jack. There’s no sign of forced entry. Nothing is missing. What do you think?Jack rubs his tired, red eyes. It’s too much.
JACK
Fuck, I dunno., man. I dunno what to think. They think the house is…They think the house is haunted.POLICE OFFICER #1
I think your girls have been through a hell of a trauma, Jack. This is just a desperate cry for attention. If I were you…I’d go easy on ‘em. Maybe take some time off. Spend it with ‘em.JACK
Alright. Uh…sorry for wasting your time, guys. I know you have more important things to do.POLICE OFFICER #1
It’s not a problem. You want me to talk to the girls. Maybe put a scare in ‘em?JACK
I got this. Time for a “come to Jesus” meeting.As the cops head upstairs, Jack takes a closer look at the message.
INT. BASEMENT WALL – CONTINUOUS
POV: Through the hole, we watch Jack approach the message.
JACK
Your fault…CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand Conflict
What I learned: I learned that conflict is about opposition and that tension is stretching something to an intolerable level.
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Magic hour sets over a picturesque landscape, punctuated by the rhythmic bass of modern hip-hop. With the ceremony, dinner and speeches long over, the party is in full swing.
Neon lasers and bright strobe lights illuminate a covered dance floor filled with smiling faces. In the center of all the sweaty, writhing bodies, dances a teenage girl, with her mother.
Meet ANNIE ANDREWS, 16, a plain, but pretty girl who wields sarcasm like a deadly weapon. As a former tomboy, she’s clearly uncomfortable in the dress she’s wearing. Her long brown hair, normally hidden under a beanie, is worn swept up and sparkles under the lights. She awkwardly dances, as her mother…
NORA ANDREWS, late 30s, drops it low on the dance floor. On a normal day, she’s an overworked mother, who bears the weight of her dysfunctional family on her shoulders. But today, Nora’s letting it go, losing herself to the music.
Annie pulls her mom to her feet.
ANNIE
(laughs)
Are you sure you’re meant to bend that way?NORA
Oh, honey! Wasn’t this a beautiful wedding?Nora pulls Annie in for a hug.
ANNIE
It didn’t suck.NORA (CONTINUED)
Someday, this will be your wedding. You’ll be such a beautiful bride…Jessica’s eyes go wide, as she spins away. Literally dodging the subject.
The music transitions to a slow love song as the sweaty DJ grabs the microphone.
DJ
Ladies and gentleman! This…is…the anniversary dance! I need all married couples, to the dance floor! All married couples!The bride pulls the groom towards the dance floor, as the crowd cheers.
Couples of various ages, slowly converge on the dance floor.
DJ
That’s it. Don’t be shy. I see you over there, Norm. Don’t leave Dorothy hanging…An old man at the bar, waves the DJ off.
Nora, looks over to a banquet table. Her daughter, JESSICA ANDREWS, 8, a shy but crafty kid, sits alone, playing her Nintendo Switch. A suit jacket hangs from an empty seat next to her. Nora’s smile fades.
NORA
Now where did your dad get off to?
(calls)
Jack? I better find him…Nora ventures off in search of her husband, Jack.
Annie leans against a post and watches the married dancers. Their eyes filled with love and remembrance.
DJ (O.S.)
Alright, ya’ll. If you’ve been married less than two hours. Please exit the dance floor. This ain’t about you, right now.The Bride and Groom throw their hands up to a bevy of cheers and dance their way towards the bar.
The song plays on. Then…
DJ (O.S.)
This is for the newbies. Anyone married less than one year…Please exit the dance floor.A Young Couple smiles and wave as they walk through the crowd. They brush passed Annie, as she looks over her shoulder, searching for her parents.
DJ (O.S.)
Let’s get serious. We’re going to jump ahead…just a little. Anyone married less than five years. Please, exit.Three couples leave the dance floor and join the spectators. The dancers are thinning out.
DJ (O.S.)
Alright. Now we’re gettin’ serious. Real serious. We’re talking ten years or less. If you’ve been married ten years or less, please remove yourself from the dance floor!The biggest group yet leaves. As the crowd thins, two remaining couples are revealed.
A Sweet Middle-Aged Husband and Wife. They dance cheek to cheek, lost in memory.
The second group, A Handsome Older Man and his Husband. They dance proudly.
Annie smiles at their cuteness.
DJ
This is it. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! If you’ve been married…Less than 25 years…Please exit the dance floor!Both couples keep dancing.
The crowd erupts in cheers and whistles.
DJ
Alright. I get it. We’re dealin’ with marriage professionals, here! If you’ve been married less than thirty years…Please exit the dance floor!The Middle-Aged Husband and Wife throw their hands up and walk away.
The crowd erupts with cheers and applause.
Annie’s eyes tear up as The Older Man gives his Husband a loving kiss. The couple is interrupted by the DJ.
DJ
Alright, alright, alright…how long have you been married?OLDER MAN
We’ve been married thirty-six wonderful years–JACK (O.S.)
(slurred)
–Bullshit!The crowd is stunned.
Annie cringes. She recognizes that voice. That unmistakable slurred speech. She turns to find her father, JACK ANDREWS, a hardworking, harder drinking, blue-collar conservative, standing behind her. Annie can’t tell if his face is red from anger or the booze.
JACK (CONTINUED)
That’s fuckin’…bullshit, man. Marriage wuzzn’t even legal for them thirty-shix–Annie shoves Jack, hard in the chest.
ANNIE
(angry)
Dad! Stop!Jack looks down at Annie. But does he see her?
JACK
Wha’? Is true…God damn fags.ANNIE
I hate you!All eyes are on Jack.
JACK
(angry)
Whatta ya lookin’ at?NORA (O.S.)
Jack!Nora pushes herself through the crowd.
JACK
(angry)
Ah, fuck it…Jack stumbles backwards, trips over his own feet and crashes into table holding a half-eaten wedding cake. He falls to the ground, then vomits down his shirt.
Annie bursts into tears.
NORA
Annie, honey…go get Jessica and meet me at the car.Without making eye contact, with anyone, Annie escapes into the crowd.
The crowd parts, as Nora approaches.
WITNESS #1 (O.S.)
Get him some help. Jesus!WITNESS #2
Get him out of here.Nora’s eyes can’t hold back. Tears flood down her face as she kneels down.
NORA
Damn it, Jack…You promised me.JACK
It’s a god damn sin.CUT TO:
-
Rob Bertrand’s Dramatic Choices
What I learned: I learned that there’s dramatic choices made in every single scene. Once I realized this, they were easy to spot. I don’t think I’ll ever watch a movie the same way.
The Entity
1. Opens on Carla who’s on a telephone call. She’s a secretary. A colleague approaches and apologizes for being late. Carla rushes to her car.
2. Carla runs down school hallway, late for class. Begins typing. Struggles.
3. Carla gets home late. The house is a mess.
4. Carla checks on her sleeping kids. Kisses them. Goes through the mail as she turns off lights through the house. Picks up dishes as she read a letter from her son’s school.
5. Music from the garage. Teenage Son, Bill is working on engine. She complains about the mess. Asks about bad news letter. Why does counselor want to see her? He tells her not to worry about it.
6. Later, as Carla is preparing for bed, she senses a presence. She’s attacked and raped by an unseen force. Her teenage son and two young daughters’ find her on the bed, screaming that someone is in the house. No one is there.
7. Later that night, after the girls are asleep, Carla explores the house in the dark. She turns every light in the house on. When furniture begins to shake violently, Carla flees the house with her children.
8. Carla and her family stay the night with her best friend. Her friend’s husband is unhappy about it.
9. Bright sunny morning. Carla admits to her friend that she was raped. The friend recommends a psychiatrist.
10. Beach scene. Bill eats a hotdog in the car. The girls throw bread into the air for seagulls. Carla sits alone. Later: Sunset. The family sits quietly. Bill: Are we going to sit here all night? Carla doesn’t want to go home. They have nowhere else to go.
11. Carla and the kids return to their house. There’s no sign of anyone inside. They hear a creepy scraping sound. “There’s someone under the house!”
12. Teenage son investigates the crawl space under the house. He finds a pipe that makes the scraping noise when touched. Debunked. Mom wants to know who touched it before?
13. Carla decides to sleep on the couch with a butcher knife, when her best friend arrives to stay the night. Carla reveals she can’t afford to move and the rent is passed due.
14. In traffic, Carla turns off radio. Gas pedal presses down on its own. Car is out of control. Brakes don’t work. Swerving and honking. Crashes.
15. Carla meets with a psychiatrist. He interviews her about the rape and promises that she’s taken the first step in getting better. He wants her to take some test.
16. Carla arrives home by taxi. Her son says he can fix the car, but it’s going to be really expensive. Carla tries to relax by drawing a bath. She’s attacked by an invisible presence and raped again.
17. Psychiatrist office – Doctor and assistant examine Carla’s bruises. Bite mark on shoulder, breast. Finger marks on back. Bruises on inner thighs. Finger bruises on ankles. Felt like legs were being held. Like he had help. Someone on each leg. Nothing is wrong with you medically. Intellect is normal. We should explore early psychological development/emotional development. I’ve seen cases of hysteria that have caused blindness, loss of hearing, welts. Certain phases of our life never really die, they continue to exist within all of us, and they affect us the rest of our lives. Sometimes they come back with a vengeance. They can cause hallucinations, delusions, anxieties. Prescribes valium.
-
Rob Bertrand’s Final Scene for Feedback Exchange
What I learned: I learned it gets easier to add character to a scene, when rewriting with well-defined character’s traits in mind.
Protagonist: Annie Andrews
Basic Character Traits: Sarcastic, Quick Temper, Sensitive Soul that has a Hidden Strength and aches for acceptance.
Subtext: Hiding Something (She’s gay.)
Antagonist: Danny Laplante
Basic Character Traits: Traumatized, delusional, Liar, who’s dangerously Obsessed.
Subtext: Plotting/Scheming
—————————————————————————————–
SCENE
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Annie and Danny stand awkwardly together, in line for the Ferris Wheel. Danny nervously bites at a hangnail.
DANNY
I just can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose your mom like that. That must’ve been horrific!Annie is taken back.
ANNIE
Uh? Yeah. This…this line doesn’t seem to be moving. Like…at all.DANNY
Good. It gives us more time together.ANNIE
(fake)
Yay!Annie’s phone buzzes in her pocket. She discreetly checks it.
JOCELYN (TEXT)
How’s it going?ANNIE (TEXT)
OMG! This is torture! 🙁DANNY
Who are you talking to? You got another boyfriend I should be worried about?Annie hides her phone screen.
ANNIE
Oh, uh…just checking in with my little sister. She’s, uh…she’s just wondering when I’ll be home. That’s all.Annie and Danny reach the head of the line.
The Ferris wheel grinds to a stop. The RIDE OPERATOR lifts the safety bar and motions for Annie and Danny to take a seat.
DANNY
After you, beautiful.Annie winces.
As Annie sits down, Danny whispers to the Ride Operator while slipping him money. Both men smile and nod in agreement.
Danny takes a seat, closer to Annie than she’d like.
The Ride Operator lowers the safety bar and pushes a button. The chair lurches backwards over the sound of GRINDING METAL.
DANNY
Here we go…At the peak of the Ferris Wheel, Annie gets a view of the entire fair. She looks around for Jocelyn and Jessica.
DANNY
Your dad sure was pissed.ANNIE
Huh?DANNY
Your dad. I could hear you guys screaming at each other from the street.ANNIE
Really? Shit, that’s embarrassing. I mean…he wasn’t pissed. That’s just how we talk to each other.DANNY
Don’t be embarrassed. He’s right though. Therapy would be good for you.Annie is mortified.
ANNIE
(angry)
I’m not embarrassed!DANNY
Therapy made me who I am today.ANNIE
Yeah, and who’s that, Danny?Danny smiles, revealing neglected teeth.
DANNY
The man of your dreams, Annie. Your whole world changed the second you met me.The Ferris Wheel stops, with Annie and Danny at the peak. Annie is speechless.
DANNY
Wow, look at that view.Annie’s phone buzzes. She quickly checks.
JOCELYN (TEXT)
I see you! Hang in there!DANNY
Tell me about your mom?ANNIE
Sorry…one sec. My sister…Annie types lightning fast.
ANNIE (TEXT)
Dude! All he wants to talk about is my mom!Danny fights irritation and puts on a fake smile.
DANNY
Was she a good mom?ANNIE
Yeah. Yeah, she was.
(angry)
Why aren’t we moving?Annie peers down at the Ride Operator, who appears to be chatting with some teenage girls.
DANNY
A mom is the heart of the family. Don’t ya’ think?ANNIE
More like…the glue that holds a family together. But, I feel you.DANNY
I feel you too.Danny reaches for Annie’s hand, but she deftly moves it away.
ANNIE
I mean, what the fuck?! Why aren’t we moving?DANNY
Okay, okay. I’ll confess. I paid the guy to stop us at the top. They call it the honeymoon suite.ANNIE
The honeymoon suite. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.Danny changes the subject.
DANNY
You ever think that maybe the wrong parent died?ANNIE
(angry)
What? Why would you–DANNY
–Be honest.Annie thinks about it.
ANNIE
(angry)
I dunno, Danny. That’s…that’s just a fucked-up thing to ask someone.Danny laughs.
DANNY
That’s a big yes. You should see your face. I must’a struck a nerve. I only ask because I often had that same thought when my mom died. My dad took it really hard.ANNIE
I bet you miss her. What was she like–DANNY
–Annie? I really like you.Annie turns away, to hide a snicker. When she turns back, Danny comes in for a kiss. Annie pulls away, her face a mask of revulsion.
ANNIE
Danny, I thought we agreed to meet as friends?DANNY
I know you feel something too.Annie shakes her head.
ANNIE
We talked about this, Danny. I’m not interested in…dating, right now.Danny smiles.
DANNY
I can wait for you. I’ve been waiting for you.ANNIE
You’re going to be waiting a long time, buddy.Danny’s smile disappears and his body language grows tense.
DANNY
Did you see her?Annie is confused.
ANNIE
See who?DANNY
Your mom’s body after she died? What did that feel like? Seeing her like that? Was her face fucked up?Annie is startled when the Ferris Wheel begins moving again.
ANNIE
Longest Ferris Wheel ride…ever.CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Dialogue on the Attack!
What I learned: I learned that dialogue is not plot or plot development. Dialogue should be a series of attacks/counter attacks.
Protagonist: Annie Andrews
Basic Character Traits: Sarcastic, Quick Temper, Sensitive Soul that has a Hidden Strength and aches for acceptance.
Subtext: Hiding Something (She’s gay.)
Antagonist: Danny Laplante
Basic Character Traits: Traumatized, delusional, Liar, who’s dangerously Obsessed.
Subtext: Plotting/Scheming
SCENE
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Annie and Danny stand awkwardly together, in line for the Ferris Wheel. Danny nervously bites at a hangnail.
DANNY
I just can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose your mom like that. That must’ve been horrific!Annie is taken back.
ANNIE
Uh? Yeah. This…this line doesn’t seem to be moving.DANNY
Good. It gives us more time together.Annie’s phone buzzes in her pocket. She discreetly checks it.
JOCELYN (TEXT)
How’s it going?ANNIE (TEXT)
OMG! This is torture! 🙁DANNY
Who are you talking to? You got another boyfriend I should be worried about?Annie hides her phone screen.
ANNIE
Oh, uh…just checking on my little sister. She’s, uh…She’s just wondering when I’ll be home.Annie and Danny reach the head of the line.
The Ferris wheel grinds to a stop. The RIDE OPERATOR lifts the safety bar and motions for Annie and Danny to take a seat.
DANNY
After you, beautiful.Annie winces.
As Annie sits down, Danny whispers to the Ride Operator. Both men smile and nod in agreement.
Danny takes a seat, closer to Annie than she’d like.
The Ride Operator lowers the safety bar and pushes a button. The chair lurches backwards over the sound of GRINDING METAL.
DANNY
Here we go…At the peak of the Ferris Wheel, Annie gets a view of the entire fair. She looks around for Jocelyn and Jessica.
DANNY
Your dad sure was pissed.ANNIE
Huh?DANNY
Your dad. I could hear you guys screaming at each other from the street.ANNIE
Really? Shit, that’s embarrassing. I mean…he wasn’t pissed. That’s just how we talk to each other.DANNY
Don’t be embarrassed. He’s right. Therapy would be good for you.Annie is mortified.
ANNIE
Longest Ferris Wheel ride ever.DANNY
Therapy made me who I am today.ANNIE
Yeah, and who’s that, Danny?Danny smiles, revealing neglected teeth.
DANNY
The man of your dreams, Annie. Your whole world changed the second you met me.The Ferris Wheel stops, with Annie and Danny at the peak. Annie is speechless.
DANNY
Wow, look at that view.Annie’s phone buzzes. She quickly checks.
JOCELYN (TEXT)
I see you! Hang in there!DANNY
Tell me about your mom?ANNIE
Sorry…one sec. My sister…Annie types lightening fast.
ANNIE (TEXT)
Dude! All he wants to talk about is my mom!Danny fights irritation and puts on a fake smile.
DANNY
Was she a good mom?ANNIE
Yeah. Yeah, she was.
(angry)
Why aren’t we moving?Annie peers down at the Ride Operator, who appears to be chatting with some teenage girls.
DANNY
A mom is the heart of the family. Don’t ya’ think?ANNIE
More like…the glue that holds a family together. But, I feel you.DANNY
I feel you too.Danny reaches for Annie’s hand, but she deftly moves it away.
DANNY
You ever think that maybe the wrong parent died?ANNIE
(angry)
What? Why would you–DANNY
–Be honest.Annie thinks about it.
ANNIE
(angry)
I dunno, Danny. That’s…that’s just a fucked-up thing to ask someone.Danny laughs.
DANNY
That’s a big yes. You should see your face. I must’a struck a nerve. I only ask because I often had that same thought when my mom died. My dad took it really hard.ANNIE
I bet you miss her. What was she like–Danny changes the subject.
DANNY
–Annie? I really like you.Annie turns away, to hide a snicker. When she turns back, Danny comes in for a kiss. Annie pulls away, her face a mask of revulsion.
ANNIE
Danny, I thought we agreed to meet as friends?DANNY
I know you feel something too.Annie shakes her head.
ANNIE
We talked about this, Danny. I’m not interested in…dating, right now.Danny smiles.
DANNY
I can wait for you.ANNIE
You’re going to be waiting a long time.Danny’s smile disappears and his body language grows tense.
DANNY
Did you see her?Annie is confused.
ANNIE
See who?DANNY
Your mom’s body after she died? What did that feel like? Seeing her like that? Was her face fucked up?Annie is startled when the Ferris Wheel begins moving again.
CUT TO:
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Rob Bertrand’s Character Outline
What I learned: I learned out to use my character profiles to insert character into my outline.
Updated 11/6/21
FADE IN:
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
ALCOHOLIC – Jack can’t drive because he and Nora have had too much to drink. Even though, Jack promised to be the designated driver.
WANTS TO BE LIKED – Annie volunteers to drive. She has her learner’s permit.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
QUICK TEMPERED – Annie argues with Jack after he makes an intolerant comment about gay marriage. Distracted, Annie runs a stop sign and the family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies at the scene.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
QUICK TEMPERED – At the funeral reception, Annie overhears Jack tell someone that if he hadn’t let her drive, that Nora would still be alive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
WANTS TO BE LIKED- A year later, Annie is getting her makeup done by her best friend, Jocelyn. We learn that Annie has a date with a boy she met online, but she doesn’t really want to go. Annie has a crush on someone else. Jocelyn admits to breaking up with her boyfriend.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
NERVOUS – Jessica enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching Nora’s wedding dress. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
SOFT SPOT – Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye before leaving for work and remembers that Annie has that “thing.” He think’s getting out of the house and socializing is a good thing.
QUICK TEMPERED – Annie asks when she can get her driver’s license. Jack doesn’t think she’s ready. The conversation ends with an argument. Jack is saved by the doorbell.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
FRAGILE – Annie answers the door and is thrown off. Danny looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny. He’s sloppily dressed in dirty clothes.
REBELLIOUS – Jocelyn and Jessica decide to follow Annie from a distance.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
DELUSIONAL – The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Danny thinks a mother is the heart of a family.
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
FRAGILE – Danny and Annie ride the Ferris wheel. Annie admits that she sometimes thinks the wrong parent died.
OBSESSED – Danny tries to kiss Annie. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well. Annie texts Jocelyn that she needs to bail. Jocelyn texts back where to meet.
EXT. BATHROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
FRAGILE: Annie tells Danny that she’ll be right back. She enters the restroom, then exits the opposite side, where she meets Jocelyn and Jessica. They disappear into the crowd.
EXT. RESTROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
OBSESSED – Danny grows impatient for Annie. He asks a stranger if she saw Annie inside and they shake their head. Danny shouts into the lady’s restroom for Annie. No response.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
FRAGILE – Jessica wants to watch a scary movie and begs until Annie says yes. The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
FRAGILE – Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Annie tells him about Danny. Jessica thinks the house is haunted and that there’s a monster in her closet. Frank tells them to clean their dishes before they leave for school and no more scary movies.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
PROTECTIVE – Jack answers the front door and finds Danny, wearing the same clothes as yesterday, on the porch. Jack tells
OBSESSED – Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
SARCASTIC – Annie and Jessica arrive home from school. Jack left a note, he picked up a shift and won’t be home till late. Money for a pizza on the fridge.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
SARCASTIC – Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Annie doesn’t want to be Jessica’s mom. Jessica swears she put the bowl away. There’s no money on the fridge.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
FRAGILE – As Jessica and Annie eat ramen, they hear the sound of heavy furniture moving in the basement. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head downstairs.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
FRAGILE – Annie peeks into the room and flips on the light. Nothing is there. From upstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
QUICK TEMPERED – Annie and Jessica search frantically for the remote, but it’s missing. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote-control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall. Annie smells her mother’s perfume.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
MOTHERLY – Annie tucks Jessica into bed.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
SARCASTIC – Annie enters her room and finds her window open. She doesn’t remember opening it. Jessica screams from her bedroom.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
MOTHERLY – Annie rushes in. Jessica tells her there’s a monster in the closet. Annie blames it on the scary movie. She checks the closet, but nothings in there. Annie explains that monsters aren’t real.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
FRAGILE – Annie begins to change into her pajamas, but gets the feeling she’s being watched.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
ALCOHOLIC / FOUL MOUTHEDD – Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks. Jack doesn’t want them watching scary movies anymore.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
WANTS TO BE LIKED – Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom and freaks Jessica out. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
WANTS TO BE LIKED / FRAGILE – Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, perform a séance. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes.
ALCOHOLIC – They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship.
QUICK TEMPERED – Annie and Jack have an emotional fight. Jack accuses her friends of drinking all his beer. Annie embarrasses Jack for sleeping with her mom’s wedding dress.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
FRAGIEL / WANTS TO BE LIKED – Jocelyn consoles Annie, who’s upset that her mom blames her for her death. Annie thinks her father hates her.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
FOUL MOUTHED – Jack throws Nora’s wedding dress in a trash can and closes the lid.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
SARCASTIC – Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share their first kiss. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn leaves and there’s a loud crash from the hallway.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
FRAGILE – Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
QUICK TEMPERED – Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
PROTECTIVE – Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway.
FRAGILE – Annie questions Jocelyn about what happened. Jocelyn only remembers a lady in white and the feeling of being pushed.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
FRAGILE / WANTS TO BE LIKED – It’s a tense ride home. Annie texts Jocelyn, but it goes unread.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
FRAGILE – Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. Annie hears whispers in her room.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
SARCASTIC / QUICK TEMPERED – Annie and Jessica watch a mindless reality show, while armed with a baseball bat and kitchen knife. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
FRAGILE – Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written in blood. “It’s your fault!” The freezer pushes towards them.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
FRAGILE – The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors we met at the funeral reception.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
FOUL MOUTHED – Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
QUICK TEMPERED / FOUL MOUTHED – Jack and Annie have a brutal argument. Jack tells his daughters, “Don’t cry wolf.” Jack understands that Annie’s pain because he lost her too. Jack says he has to live everyday with…Annie cuts him off, “With the girl that killed her?” The argument ends with Annie wishing her father was dead.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes from Fall to Winter.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
WANTS TO BE LIKED / FRAGILE – Annie sits with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
WANTS TO BE LIKED / FRAGILE – Annie video chats with Jocelyn. Jocelyn explains that she can’t see Annie anymore because she’s getting back together with her boyfriend. Annie gets teary eyed.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
NERVOUS – Jessica watches TV on the couch. She’s startled by a red ball that rolls out of a closet.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM
FRAGILE / QUICK TEMPERED – Jessica bursts in, scaring Annie and Jocelyn half to death. Jocelyn sees the lady in white behind Annie and Jessica. Annie ends the video chat before Jocelyn can warn her. Jessica consoles Annie, when a loud voice screams Annie’s name from downstairs.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
FRAGILE – Annie and Jessica ease their way down the stairs, searching for the signs of trouble. They search the living, but nothing is there. Suddenly, a crash from Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
SARCASTIC / FRAGILE – The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “You don’t belong!” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
FRAGILE – Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
FOUL MOUTHED – Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the drive way. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
FOUL MOUTHED / PROTECTIVE – Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
PROTECTIVE – Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” There’s a quick flash of what appears to be Nora in her wedding dress. Jack is knocked out from behind.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
QUICK TEMPERED – Annie grows impatient. She heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
FRAGILE – Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
HIDDEN STRENGTH/ QUICK TEMPERED – Annie opens the door and finds her father, tied to a chair with a head wound. The ghost haunting the house is revealed to be Danny, who’s wearing Nora’s dirty wedding dress. He’s completely insane and has taken on Nora’s persona.
DELUSIONAL – Danny gives Annie the choice: The wrong parent died? Kill your father and you can have your mom back. You wanted him dead.
Danny chops off Jack’s left wedding ring hand. Annie convinces Danny to give her the axe so she can kill her father. It’s a trick and she drives the axe into Danny’s shoulder.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
HIDDEN STRENGTH- Annie drags her dad to safety as Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window. Jack is losing a lot of blood. Annie has no choice but to drive her dad to the hospital.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – NIGHT
FRAGILE – Annie is scared to drive, but Jack believes in her.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – MOMENTS LATER
HIDDEN STRENGTH – Annie weaves through traffic as her father fights to keep his eyes open.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
HIDDEN STRENGTH – Annie screeches to a halt and jumps out. She runs inside.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
QUICK TEMPERED – Annie, covered in blood, screams for help.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
FRAGILE – Hospital staff swarm the truck and put Jack on a stretcher. Annie watches in horror.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
DELUSIONAL / DANGEROUS – The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
LIAR – Danny is handcuffed to a gurney and placed in the back of an ambulance.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
FRAGILE – Annie learns that her father is going to live. Annie breaks down with tears of joy, until she over hears that Danny is at the same hospital.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
PROTECTIVE / HIDDEN STRENGTH – Jack rests in a hospital bed, with Annie and Jessica by his side. A police detective explains Danny’s history of violence and the charges he’ll face.
INT. WALLS – ANDREW’S HOME – VARIOUS
MONTAGE:
Danny slips through Annie’s open window.
Danny discovers the basement crawl space.
Danny takes the pizza money.
Danny watches Annie through a peephole he made.
Danny crawling through the walls to different peepholes.
Danny banging on the walls.
Danny slamming nails with a brick to make picture frames fall.
We see food wrappers and beer bottles filled with urine.
A pile of tissues and a stolen bottle of lotion.
INT. JACK’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
HIDDEN STRENGTH / PROTECTIVE – Annie is disgusted. Jack takes her hand and tells her that they will get through this together. The police detective leaves. Annie opens up to Jack and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
INT. HALLWAY – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
HIDDEN STRENGTH – Annie waits for the Guard to step away from his post at Danny’s door and sneaks in.
INT. DANNY’S HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
SARCASTIC / HIDDEN STRENGTH – Annie confronts Danny, who’s handcuffed to the bed. We think she’s going to hurt him.
TRAUMATIZED – Danny reveals his backstory
HIDDEN STRENGTH – She tells Danny that she told her sister that monsters aren’t real. But she was wrong. She calls him a monster and tells him that he needs to get help. She ends the conversation by forgiving him.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
FRAGILE – Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
INT. DANNY’S HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
A Nurse enters to check on Danny, but he escaped. She alerts the guard.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
PROTECTIVE – A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. Jack receives a call about Danny.
HIDDEN STRENGTH – Annie isn’t worried. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack tosses Annie the keys to her first car.
INT. SUBURBAN HOME – DAY
DELUSIONAL – A mom enters the house, followed by her two young children. She finds the back door open and a dirty cereal bowl on the kitchen counter. A knife is missing from the butcher block.
FADE OUT
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Rob Bertrand’s Translated Characters
What I learned: I learned how to fill a scene with character by using the 9 components of my character’s profile. By using these components, I was able to put myself in my characters shoes and brainstorm how they would speak and react to different situations.
CHARACTER PROFILE
Annie Andrews – Protagonist
Basic character traits: Sarcastic, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
Want/Need: Wants to be left alone. Needs to forgive herself for the death of her mom and come out to her father.
Paradoxes: A people pleaser who can’t say no. / Wants to withdraw from the world.
Secret: She’s secretly gay and has a crush on Jocelyn.
Flaw: Her temper goes off like a bomb and she often says things she doesn’t mean in anger.
What is special about this character: She uses her sarcasm like a deadly weapon.
Traits: Whip smart, quick tempered, evasive, who aches for acceptance.
Subtext: Hiding Something
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.
CHARACTER PROFILE
Jack Andrews – Side Character
Basic character traits: Exhausted, foul-mouthed, conservative with a soft spot for his daughters.
Want/Need: Wants his daughters to grow up / Needs to quit drinking.
Paradoxes: Wants to be a better father/ Struggles with alcoholism.
Secret: The reason Annie was driving the night Nora died was because he was too drunk to drive.
Flaw: He can’t admit it when he’s wrong.
What is special about this character: Best mechanic in town.
Traits: Hard working, foul-mouthed, traditional father, In denial.
Subtext: Hiding something (alcoholism)
Character Logline: Jack is an overworked auto mechanic, who’s grieving the death of his wife, Nora, while struggling with alcoholism and his daughter’s deteriorating mental health.
CHARACTER IDEAS – ANNIE
Situation: Annie is alone in her bedroom, struggling with putting makeup on for a date with Danny at the fair, when her father Jack barges in to say goodbye.Role in Story: Protagonist. A high school senior who recently lost her mother in an accident.
Age Rage/Description: 17, a naturally pretty tomboy who’d rather sleep in then take the time to put on makeup. Her clothes scream intentionally unapproachable and her eyes hide a strength that she doesn’t yet know exists.I will be using the ideas in bold.
Trait A: Sarcastic
– Can you please knock? What if I was naked, Dad?
– It’s not a date. I’m just hanging with a new friend.
– We met online. It’s not the 80’s anymore, dad.
– Wants to find an excuse to cancel.
– I’m not her parent! You can’t expect me to babysit 24/7!
– Jesus, Dad, do you even know what day it is?
– I need money.
– Maybe I wouldn’t uber if you’d actually let me get my license.
– Love you too, pops.Trait B: Quick Tempered
– If mom were here, she’d teach me how to do this!
– You don’t want what’s best for me, you just want what’s easiest!
– Dad, I can still smell the booze.
– Like you give a shit!
– I’m not talking about this with you! Get out!Trait C: Fragile
– Feelings are hurt when her dad makes fun of her makeup.
– Fishes for a compliment but her dads clueless.
– Dad! I’m wearing pretty things.
– Gets uncomfortable when her dad compares her to her mom.Trait D: Aches for Acceptance
– I don’t have friends.
– It’s hard to make friends when everyone thinks you killed your mother.Character Subtext: Annie uses her temper to protect her feelings.
– Annie quickly loses her patience with her dads’ questions
– Annie gets upset that her dad doesn’t notice she’s prettied herself up.Motivation/Want/Need: Annie wants to find a reason to cancel on Danny. Annie needs to get out of the house.
– She could cancel since Dad forgot to get a sitter for Jessica.
– She doesn’t want to let her dad down and does what she thinks is expected of her.Unique/Special: Annie is extremely sarcastic and uses her wit like a deadly weapon.
– She knows how to hurt you with words.
– When she’s pushed to her breaking point, she pushes back.Character Logline: While preparing for her date, Annie gets into a fight with her father, Jack, when he doesn’t notice she’s prettied herself up.
CHARACTER IDEAS – JACK
Situation: Jack wants to check in with his daughter before he leaves for work.Role in Story: Supporting Character, a widower who’s struggling to raise his two daughters after the accidental death of his wife. He finds it easier to over work himself, than to face his daughter’s grief.
Age Range/Description: 40s, Jack is a strong, hardworking man with haunted eyes. Underneath the unkempt beard, hides a handsome, traditional father. But his grief and alcoholism has aged him hard.
Trait A: Exhausted
– Running late for work.
– Doesn’t have time for this.
– Pulled a double shift last night.
– Won’t be home till 5am.Trait B: Foul Mouth
– Jack has a mouth like a trucker, but hates when his daughter curses.
– When Jack is angry, his cursing escalates.Trait C: Conservative
– Asks traditional questions about Danny
– Complains about today’s youth. A boy should meet the father of the girl he’s about to date.
– He gets on Annie for taking the lord’s name in vain.Trait D: Soft Spot for his Girls
– Gives Annie sixty bucks for the night.
– He just wants what’s best for Annie.Character Subtext: Lying to himself and his daughters
– Jack denies the liquor on his breath.
– Claims its mouthwashMotivation/Want/Need: Wants to communicate with Annie. Needs to get to work.
– Makes an attempt to check in with Annie. But she’s resistant and awkward.
– Tries to connect with story of his first date with Nora.Unique/Special: Appears to be a strict father, but his daughters have him wrapped around his finger.
– Gives Annie money
– Wants her home by 8:30
– Gets a bit teary eyed at Annie’s appearance.Character Logline: After the death of his wife, Jack Andrews struggles to connect with his depressed daughter as she prepares for her first date with a boy.
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Rob Bertrand’s Character Chemistry
What I learned: I learned the four levels of chemistry and how to use them to build interesting relationships with my characters.
Character Names/Roles
Protagonist: Annie Andrews / Antagonist: Danny Laplante
Protagonist: Annie Andrews / Connecting Character: Jocelyn Wilcox
Antagonist: Danny Laplante / Connecting Character: Jocelyn Wilcox
Protagonist: Annie Andrews / Supporting Character: Jack Andrews
Antagonist: Danny Laplante / Supporting Character: Jack AndrewsFour Levels of Chemistry
Annie Andrews / Danny Laplante
Common Ground / Similarities
Both Annie and Danny are teenagers with a history of trauma. They are both desperate to find a place to fit in.Differences that Create Conflict
Annie is a Catholic School student. Danny is a high school dropout. Annie isn’t interested in boys, but is too nice to say no to a date with Danny. Danny is morbidly obsessed with the death of Annie’s mother.Playing the Same Game / Competing Agendas
The characters have competing agendas. Danny is pretending to be the ghost of Annie’s mother, to punish her for rejecting him. Annie, who’s convinced the death of her mother is her fault, is determined to prove to her father that the house is haunted.Need Fulfillment
Both characters are in desperate need of love and connection. Annie needs Danny to leave her alone and respect her boundaries. Danny needs Annie to love him and give him a place to belong.Annie Andrews / Jocelyn Wilcox
Common Ground / Similarities
Annie and Jocelyn go to the same Catholic School and share a few classes. They like the same music and have a grudge against the same teacher. Both girls share a mutual, unspoken attraction for one another.Differences that Create Conflict
Annie is an introvert and keeps to herself. Jocelyn is an extrovert and is a bit of a wild child. When their relationship blossoms, Annie wants to keep it a secret. Jocelyn doesn’t care who knows.Playing the Same Game / Competing Agendas
Annie and Jocelyn are attracted to each other, but both are afraid to make the first move.Need Fulfillment
Annie needs to learn to be happy and live her true self. She sees Jocelyn as a step towards that direction. Jocelyn wants to help Annie heal.Danny Laplante / Jocelyn Wilcox
Common Ground / Similarities
Danny and Jocelyn both care deeply for Annie and want to date her.Differences that Create Conflict
Danny doesn’t like Jocelyn taking Annie’s attention. He views Jocelyn as competition. The main difference is that Danny is dangerously obsessed with Annie, while Jocelyn is merely infatuated.Playing the Same Game / Competing Agendas
Both characters are wooing Annie in their own different way. Danny wants to drive Annie crazy to the point she needs him to save her. Jocelyn wants to help Annie get over the death of her mother and live openly as a gay person.Need Fulfillment
Danny needs Jocelyn to disappear so he can have Annie all to himself. Jocelyn needs Annie to get over her trauma.Annie Andrews / Jack Andrews
Common Ground / Similarities
Both are dealing with the trauma of losing Nora in a car accident. Annie and Jack are both stubborn people who can’t admit when their wrong.Differences that Create Conflict
Annie is very liberal, while Jack is traditionally conservative. Jack doesn’t support gay marriage.Playing the Same Game / Competing Agendas
Annie and Jack are both struggling with depression and dealing with it in different ways. Annie wants to convince her dad that the house is haunted. Jack is convinced that his daughter is making it up in a desperate cry for attention.Need Fulfillment
Annie needs her father to accept her even though she’s gay. Jack needs Annie’s support to quit drinking.Danny Laplante / Jack Andrews
Common Ground / Similarities
Danny and Jack both love Annie and would do anything to make her happy.Differences that Create Conflict
Danny is obsessed with Annie. The more his obsession grows, the more dangerous he becomes. Jack is very protective of his daughter.Playing the Same Game / Competing Agendas
Danny’s agenda is to convince Annie that her house is haunted,Need Fulfillment
Danny needs Jack to die, so he can replace him and Nora as the number one love in Annie’s life. Jack needs Danny to leave his family alone. -
Rob Bertrand’s Character Arc
What I learned: I learned the importance of giving your protagonist a strong character arc because it gives the audience a more rewarding experience.
Protagonist Character Arc:
Annie Andrews goes from a depressed teenager, ashamed of her sexuality to a fiercely confident, self-assured young adult.
Part to be changed: Annie’s shame and fear of coming out to her religious family.
Biggest fear: Annie’s biggest fear is that her mother’s death was her fault.
Completion of arc: Annie comes to terms with her mother’s death and finds the courage to come out to her father.
Issue:
Annie feels that the death of her mom was her fault and that everyone blames her for it. Annie is also struggling with feelings of shame due to her burgeoning homosexuality and fears coming out to her religious father.
Challenges:
Challenge 1: On the drive home from the wedding, Annie’s father makes a homophobic comment that makes her mad and makes her lose concentration on the road.
Challenge 2: No one will look or talk to Annie at the Funeral Reception. Annie overhears her father’s comments that Nora would still be alive if he hadn’t let Annie drive.
Challenge 3: Annie goes on a date with Danny, despite her feelings for Jocelyn, because she feels it’s what is expected of her.
Challenge 4: Danny makes an unwanted advance towards Annie.
Challenge 5: During the séance, the spirit of Annie’s mother blames Annie for her death.
Challenge 6: After Annie and Jocelyn share their first kiss, Jocelyn is thrown down the stairs by what appears to be the spirit of Annie’s mom.
Challenge 7: Jocelyn tells Annie she’s getting back together with her boyfriend and can’t see her anymore.
Challenge 8: The “spirit” leaves a bloody message, telling Annie, “Its Your Fault.”
Challenge 9: Annie’s father doesn’t believe her experiences and thinks she’s making it up for attention.
Challenge 10: Annie receives another bloody message on the wall that reads, “You don’t belong!”
Transformation:
Annie’s father reveals that he promised Nora that he wouldn’t drink at the wedding and that he would be her designated driver. But his alcoholism got the better of him. It’s not Annie’s fault, it’s his. After her experience with Danny in the climax, Annie swears off boys and makes a promise to herself to live her true life. She confronts Danny in the hospital and finds the courage to come out to her father.
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Rob Bertrand’s Characters Live
What I learned: I learned that characterization is the art of bringing a character’s true essence to life, on paper.
SCENE
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
The room is a blur of solemn faces, all dressed in black, huddled in small groups. They mingle over cheap paper plates piled with homemade casseroles. No one dares talk above a whisper.
In the center of the room, stands a portrait of NORA ANDREWS. Her eyes firmly fixed on the grieving sisters on the couch.
ANNIE ANDREWS, 17, naturally pretty and intentionally unapproachable, sits alone in a prison of her own grief. Her eyes locked on the portrait of her dead mother. Annie’s pain hides a strength that she doesn’t yet know exists.
Under Annie’s arm, sits JESSICA ANDREWS, 8, an avid lover of horror movies and a self-proclaimed smart ass. Today, Jessica doesn’t feel much like talking.
ANNIE (V.O.)
As children, we’re all taught to be afraid of monsters.An ELDERLY WOMAN, scoops a steaming pile of casserole from a dish on the coffee table and plops it onto plate. She can’t bring herself to make eye contact with the girls.
ANNIE (V.O.)
They’re hiding in our bedtime stories.Laughter from the kitchen catches Annie’s attention.
ANNIE (V.O.)
Or lurking under our beds, waiting for bare feet to grab.Annie squeezes Jessica for comfort then hands her a pillow to hug. She stands and heads towards the kitchen to investigate.
ANNIE (V.O.)
We’ve all felt the presence of the boogeyman in our closet.Behind the kitchen door comes the audible murmur drunken conversation.
ANNIE (V.O.)
Yes, childhood is filled with all sorts of make-believe monsters.Annie opens the kitchen door to reveal JACK ANDREWS, 35, sloppily dressed in a wrinkly black suit, sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by his drinking buddies. Underneath the five o’clock shadow, hides a handsome, traditional father. But his grief and the alcohol has robbed him of his passion.
ANNIE (V.O.)
What no one tells you is that childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.Jack doesn’t notice Annie standing in the doorway.
JACK
If I hadn’t let Annie drive, Nora would still be alive.Annie’s heart stops. Tears fill her eyes and the rage comes.
ANNIE
Fuck you!Jack realizes what he’s done. But before he can say anything, Annie storms off. Jack stands up, but knocks over some liquor bottles on the table.
JACK
God dammit, Jack. Shit. -
Rob Bertrand’s Dueling Agendas
What I learned: I learned that giving characters competing agendas can elevate a scene to greatness.
CHARACTER
Name: Annie Andrews
Traits: Whip smart, quick tempered, evasive, who aches for acceptance.
Subtext: Hiding Something
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.
Possible areas of subtext: Annie agrees to go on a date with Danny Laplante, even though she has a crush on Jocelyn.
CHARACTER
Name: Danny Laplante
Traits: Emotionally traumatized, delusional, pathological liar, who’s desperate for love.
Subtext: Plotting
Character Logline: Danny is a high school drop out with a history of mental illness, who becomes obsessed with tormenting Annie after she rejects his affections.
Possible areas of subtext: Danny gave Annie a false description of his looks. He makes up stories about his past to make himself look good.
SCENE
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Annie and Danny stand awkwardly together, in line for the Ferris Wheel. Danny nervously bites at a hangnail.
DANNY
I just can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose your mom like that.Annie is taken back.
ANNIE
Uh? Yeah. This…this line doesn’t seem to be moving.DANNY
Good. Gives us time to hang.Annie’s phone buzzes in her pocket. She discreetly checks it.
JOCELYN (TEXT)
How’s it going?ANNIE (TEXT)
OMG! This is torture! 🙁DANNY
Who are you talking to?Annie hides her phone screen.
ANNIE
Oh, just checking on my little sister. She’s, uh…She’s just wondering when I’ll be home.Annie and Danny reach the head of the line.
The Ferris wheel grinds to a stop. The RIDE OPERATOR lifts the safety bar and motions for Annie and Danny to take a seat.
DANNY
After you, beautiful.Annie winces.
As Annie sits down, Danny whispers to the Ride Operator. Both men smile and nod in agreement.
Danny takes a seat, closer to Annie than she’d like.
The Ride Operator lowers the safety bar and pushes a button. The chair lurches backwards over the sound of GRINDING METAL.
DANNY
Here we go…At the peak of the Ferris Wheel, Annie gets a view of the entire fair. She looks around for Jocelyn and Jessica.
DANNY
Your dad sure was pissed.ANNIE
Huh?DANNY
Your dad. I could hear you guys screaming at each other from the street.ANNIE
Really? Shit, that’s embarrassing.DANNY
Don’t be embarrassed. He’s right. Therapy would be good for you.Annie is mortified.
ANNIE
Longest Ferris Wheel ride ever.DANNY
Therapy made me who I am today.ANNIE
Yeah, who’s that?Danny smiles, revealing teeth in need of a dentist.
DANNY
The man of your dreams, Annie.The Ferris Wheel stops, with Annie and Danny at the peak. Annie is speechless.
DANNY
Wow, look at that view.Annie’s phone buzzes. She quickly checks.
JOCELYN (TEXT)
I see you! Hang in there!DANNY
Tell me about your mom?ANNIE
Sorry…one sec. My sister…Annie types lightening fast.
ANNIE (TEXT)
Dude! All he wants to talk about is my mom!Danny fights irritation and puts on a fake smile.
DANNY
Was she a good mom?ANNIE
Yeah. Yeah, she was.
(beat)
Why aren’t we moving?Annie peers down at the Ride Operator, who appears to be chatting with some teenage girls.
DANNY
A mom is the heart of the family. Don’t ya think?ANNIE
More like…the glue that holds a family together. But, I feel you.DANNY
I feel you too.Danny reaches for Annie’s hand, but she deftly moves it away.
DANNY
You ever think that maybe the wrong parent died?ANNIE
(angry)
What? Why would you–DANNY
–Be honest.Annie thinks about it.
ANNIE
I dunno, Danny. That’s…that’s just a fucked up thing to ask someone.Danny laughs.
DANNY
That’s a big yes. I only ask because I often had that same thought when my mom died. My dad took it really hard.ANNIE
I bet you miss her. What was she like.Danny changes the subject.
DANNY
Annie? I like you. I like you a lot. I’ve never felt a connection with someone like this.Annie turns away, to hide a snicker. When she turns back, Danny comes in for a kiss. Annie pulls away, her face a mask of revulsion.
ANNIE
Danny, I thought we agreed to meet as friends?DANNY
I know you feel something too.Annie shakes her head.
ANNIE
We talked about this, Danny. I’m not interested in…dating, right now.Danny smiles.
DANNY
I can wait for you.ANNIE
You’re going to be waiting a long time, Danny.Danny’s smile disappears and his body language grows tense.
DANNY
Did you see her?Annie is confused.
ANNIE
See who?DANNY
Your mom’s body after she died? What did that feel like? Seeing her like that?Annie is startled when the Ferris Wheel begins moving again.
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Rob Bertrand Subtext and Loglines
What I learned: I learned that there is the surface (words/actions) and there is what’s below the surface, (meaning/subtext). Having characters speak too much of the subtext can make your screenplay boring.
CHARACTER
Name: Annie Andrews
Traits: Whip smart, quick tempered, evasive, who aches for acceptance.
Subtext: Hiding Something
Character Logline: Annie is a high school student, overwhelmed with guilt over the death of her mother, who’s struggling to come out to her traditional father.
Possible areas of subtext: Annie agrees to go on a date with Danny Laplante, even though she has a crush on Jocelyn.
CHARACTER
Name: Danny Laplante
Traits: Emotionally traumatized, delusional, pathological liar, who’s desperate for love.
Subtext: Plotting
Character Logline: Danny is a high school drop out with a history of mental illness, who becomes obsessed with tormenting Annie after she rejects his affections.
Possible areas of subtext: Danny gives Annie a false description of his looks. Later, Danny leaves cryptic messages on the walls that seem to be written by Annie’s dead mother.
CHARACTER
Name: Jack Andrews
Traits: Hard working, foul-mouthed, traditional father, In denial.
Subtext: Lying
Character Logline: Jack is an overworked auto mechanic, who’s grieving the death of his wife, Nora, while struggling with alcoholism and his daughter’s deteriorating mental health.
Possible areas of subtext: Jack pretends that everything is normal, but behind closed doors he’s barely holding it together. His daughter finds him passed out, clutching Nora’s wedding dress.
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Rob Bertrand’s Characters
What I learned: I learned that the first step to “seducing” A-list actors to a project is to create characters that actors fall in love with.
CHARACTER PROFILE
Annie Andrews – Protagonist1. Basic character traits:
Whip smart, quick tempered, fragile teenager who aches for acceptance.
2. Want/Need
Wants to be left alone. Needs to forgive herself for the death of her mom.
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)
A people pleaser who can’t say no. / Wants to withdraw from the world.
4. Secret:
She’s confused about her sexuality and has a crush on Jocelyn.
5. Flaw:
Her temper goes off like a bomb and she often says things she doesn’t mean in anger.
6. What is special about this character?
She’s a gifted singer.
CHARACTER PROFILE
Danny Laplante – Antagonist1. Basic character traits:
Emotionally traumatized, delusional, pathological liar, who’s desperate for love.
2. Want/Need
Wants to be with Annie no matter what. / Needs professional help.
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)
Wants to join a loving family. / Enjoys tormenting people with mind games.
4. Secret:
He was physically, psychologically and sexually abused by several adults in his life. Starting with his father and ending with his psychiatrist.
5. Flaw:
He is a pathological liar and only tells you what he thinks you want to hear.
6. What is special about this character?
He is a gifted burglar.
CHARACTER PROFILE
Jack Andrews – Side Character1. Basic character traits:
Hard working, foul-mouthed, traditional father with a soft spot for his daughters.
2. Want/Need
Wants his daughters to grow up / Needs to quit drinking.
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)
Wants to be a better father/ Struggles with alcoholism.
4. Secret:
The reason Annie was driving the night Nora died was because he was too drunk to drive.
5. Flaw:
He can’t admit it when he’s wrong.
6. What is special about this character?
Best mechanic in town.
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REQUEST FOR EXCHANGE
Rob Bertrand’s Outline Version 1
Concept: A grieving teenager becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only for her father to accuse her of faking it for attention, but when her father goes missing, the teenage girl discovers a dangerous stalker, living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
Plot Choice: #7 The Riddle: This one challenges the viewer to solve the riddle before the protagonist.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle.
Lead Characters:
– Protagonist: Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother and struggling with her sexuality. She has a crush on her best friend.
– Monster Bait: Jocelyn Wilcox is Annie’s best friend, who enjoys the attention she gets from Annie’s crush.
– Antagonist: Danny Laplante is a high school dropout with a history of mental illness, who’s obsession for Annie drives him to live inside her walls. He’s dangerously jealous over Annie and Jocelyn’s relationship.
– Side Character: Jessica Andrews, 8, since the death of her mom, she’s become obsessed with horror movies. Character adds some comedic relief.
– Side Character: Jack Andrews is an overworked father, dealing with the loss of his wife and believes that Annie is faking.
Dramatic Question: Can a traumatized teenager overcome the guilt of her mom’s death and defeat the monster haunting her home?
Main Conflict: Annie keeps experiencing frightening paranormal activity, but her father Jack thinks she’s making it up as a desperate cry for help
Logline: Two sisters become convinced that their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be their dead mother.
Dilemma: Can Annie overcome her grief and learn to stand up for herself or will she let the guilt of her mom’s death ruin her life and relationships
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
Character Arc of Lead Character: Annie goes from a depressed teenager, burdened with guilt over the death of her mom, to a fiercely confident young woman
OUTLINE – Updated 10/18/21
Title: Don’t Cry Wolf
FADE IN:
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Jack and Nora Andrews attend a wedding with their daughters Annie, 16 and Jessica, 8. Annie is asked to drive home because her mom and dad are too drunk to drive.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
Annie and Jack argue after he makes an intolerant comment about gay marriage. Distracted, Annie runs a stop sign and the family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies at the scene.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
At the funeral reception, Annie overhears Jack tell someone that if he hadn’t let her drive, that Nora would still be alive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
A year later, Annie is getting her makeup done by her best friend, Jocelyn. We learn that Annie has a date with a boy she met online, but she doesn’t really want to go. Jocelyn admits to breaking up with her boyfriend.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
Jessica enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching Nora’s wedding dress while watching his wedding video. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye before leaving for work and remembers that Annie has that “thing.” He think’s getting out of the house and socializing is a good thing. Annie asks when she can get her driver’s license. Jack doesn’t think she’s ready. The conversation ends with an argument. Jack is saved by the doorbell.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Annie answers the door and is thrown off. Danny looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny. He’s sloppily dressed in dirty clothes. Jocelyn and Jessica decide to follow Annie from a distance.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Danny thinks a mother is the heart of a family.
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Danny and Annie ride the Ferris wheel. Annie admits that she sometimes thinks the wrong parent died. Danny tries to kiss Annie. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well. Annie texts Jocelyn that she needs to bail. Jocelyn texts back where to meet.
EXT. BATHROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Annie tells Danny that she’ll be right back. She enters the restroom, then exits the opposite side, where she meets Jocelyn and Jessica. They disappear into the crowd.
EXT. RESTROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Danny grows impatient for Annie. He asks a stranger if she saw Annie inside and they shake their head. Danny shouts into the lady’s restroom for Annie. No response.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica wants to watch a scary movie and begs until Annie says yes. The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Annie tells him about Danny. Jessica thinks the house is haunted and that there’s a monster in her closet. Frank tells them to clean their dishes before they leave for school and no more scary movies.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack answers the front door and finds Danny, wearing the same clothes as yesterday, on the porch. Jack tells Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
Annie and Jessica arrive home from school. Jack left a note, he picked up a shift and won’t be home till late. Money for a pizza on the fridge.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Annie doesn’t want to be Jessica’s mom. Jessica swears she put the bowl away. There’s no money on the fridge.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
As Jessica and Annie eat ramen, they hear the sound of heavy furniture moving in the basement. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head downstairs.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie peeks into the room and flips on the light. Nothing is there. From upstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica search frantically for the remote, but it’s missing. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall. Annie smells her mother’s perfume.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie tucks Jessica into bed.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters her room and finds her window open. She doesn’t remember opening it. Jessica screams from her bedroom.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie rushes in. Jessica tells her there’s a monster in the closet. Annie blames it on the scary movie. She checks the closet, but nothings in there. Annie explains that monsters aren’t real.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie begins to change into her pajamas, but gets the feeling she’s being watched.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks. Jack doesn’t want them watching scary movies anymore.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom and freaks Jessica out. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, perform a séance. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes. They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship.
Annie and Jack have an emotional fight. Jack accuses her friends of drinking all his beer. Annie embarrasses Jack for sleeping with her mom’s wedding dress.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jocelyn consoles Annie, who’s upset that her mom blames her for her death. Annie thinks her father hates her.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jack throws Nora’s wedding dress in a trash can and closes the lid.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share their first kiss. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn leaves and there’s a loud crash from the hallway.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway. Annie questions Jocelyn about what happened. Jocelyn only remembers a lady in white and the feeling of being pushed.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
It’s a tense ride home. Annie texts Jocelyn, but it goes unread.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. Annie hears whispers in her room.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica watch a mindless reality show, while armed with a baseball bat and kitchen knife. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written in blood. “It’s your fault!” The freezer pushes towards them.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors we met at the funeral reception.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack and Annie have a brutal argument. Jack tells his daughters, “Don’t cry wolf.” Jack understands that Annie’s pain because he lost her too. Jack says he has to live everyday with…Annie cuts him off, “With the girl that killed her?” The argument ends with Annie wishing her father was dead.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes from Fall to Winter.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie sits with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie video chats with Jocelyn. Jocelyn explains that she can’t see Annie anymore because she’s getting back together with her boyfriend. Annie gets teary eyed.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica watches TV on the couch. She’s startled by a red ball that rolls out of a closet.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM
Jessica bursts in, scaring Annie and Jocelyn half to death. Jocelyn sees the lady in white behind Annie and Jessica. Annie ends the video chat before Jocelyn can warn her. Jessica consoles Annie, when a loud voice screams Annie’s name from downstairs.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica ease their way down the stairs, searching for the signs of trouble. They search the living, but nothing is there. Suddenly, a crash from Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “Be with me…” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the driveway. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” There’s a quick flash of what appears to be Nora in her wedding dress. Jack is knocked out from behind.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie grows impatient. She heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie opens the door and finds her father, tied to a chair with a head wound. The ghost haunting the house is revealed to be Danny, who’s wearing Nora’s dirty wedding dress. He’s completely insane and has taken on Nora’s persona.
Danny gives Annie the choice: The wrong parent died? Kill your father and you can have your mom back. You wanted him dead.
Danny chops off Jack’s left wedding ring hand. Annie convinces Danny to give her the axe so she can kill her father. It’s a trick and she drives the axe into Danny’s shoulder.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie drags her dad to safety as Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window. Jack is losing a lot of blood. Annie has no choice but to drive her dad to the hospital.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – NIGHT
Annie is scared to drive, but Jack believes in her.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – MOMENTS LATER
Annie weaves through traffic as her father fights to keep his eyes open.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie screeches to a halt and jumps out. She runs inside.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie, covered in blood, screams for help.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Hospital staff swarm the truck and put Jack on a stretcher. Annie watches in horror.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
Danny is handcuffed to a gurney and placed in the back of an ambulance.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Annie learns that her father is going to live. Annie breaks down with tears of joy, until she over hears that Danny is at the same hospital.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack rests in a hospital bed, with Annie and Jessica by his side. A police detective explains Danny’s history of violence and the charges he’ll face.
INT. WALLS – ANDREW’S HOME – VARIOUS
MONTAGE:
Danny slips through Annie’s open window.
Danny discovers the basement crawl space.
Danny takes the pizza money.
Danny watches Annie through a peephole he made.
Danny crawling through the walls to different peepholes.
Danny banging on the walls.
Danny slamming nails with a brick to make picture frames fall.
We see food wrappers and beer bottles filled with urine.
A pile of tissues and a stolen bottle of lotion.
INT. JACK’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Annie is disgusted. Jack takes her hand and tells her that they will get through this together. The police detective leaves. Annie opens up to Jack and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
INT. HALLWAY – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie waits for the Guard to step away from his post at Danny’s door and sneaks in.
INT. DANNY’S HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Annie confronts Danny, who’s handcuffed to the bed. We think she’s going to hurt him. She tells Danny that she told her sister that monsters aren’t real. But she was wrong. She calls him a monster and tells him that he needs to get help. She ends the conversation by forgiving him.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
INT. DANNY’S HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
A Nurse enters to check on Danny, but he escaped. She alerts the guard.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. Jack receives a call about Danny. Annie isn’t worried. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack tosses Annie the keys to her first car.
INT. SUBURBAN HOME – DAY
A mom enters the house, followed by her two young children. She finds the back door open and a dirty cereal bowl on the kitchen counter. A knife is missing from the butcher block.
END
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Rob Bertrand’s Pass 10: Essence Only
What I learned: I learned that the essence of a scene is the most important core idea that you are trying to convey.
Logline: Two teenage sisters become convinced that their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be their dead mother.
Dramatic Question: Can a traumatized teenager overcome the guilt of her mom’s death and defeat the monster haunting her home?
Main Conflict: Annie keeps experiencing frightening paranormal activity, but her father Jack thinks she’s making it up as a desperate cry for help.
Dilemma: Can Annie overcome her grief and learn to stand up for herself or will she let the guilt of her mom’s death ruin her life and relationships?
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Jack and Nora Andrews attend a wedding with their daughters Annie, 16 and Jessica, 8. Annie is asked to drive home because her mom and dad are too drunk to drive.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
Annie and Jack argue after he makes an intolerant comment about gay marriage. Distracted, Annie runs a stop sign and the family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies at the scene.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
At the funeral reception, Annie overhears Jack tell someone that if he hadn’t let her drive, that Nora would still be alive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
A year later, Annie is getting her makeup done by her best friend, Jocelyn. We learn that Annie has a date with a boy she met online, but she doesn’t really want to go. Jocelyn admits to breaking up with her boyfriend.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
Jessica enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching Nora’s wedding dress while watching his wedding video. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye before leaving for work and remembers that Annie has that “thing.” He think’s getting out of the house and socializing is a good thing. Annie asks when she can get her driver’s license. Jack doesn’t think she’s ready. The conversation ends with an argument. Jack is saved by the doorbell.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Annie answers the door and is thrown off. Danny looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny. He’s sloppily dressed in dirty clothes. Jocelyn and Jessica decide to follow Annie from a distance.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Danny thinks a mother is the heart of a family.
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Danny and Annie ride the Ferris wheel. Annie admits that she sometimes thinks the wrong parent died. Danny tries to kiss Annie. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well. Annie texts Jocelyn that she needs to bail. Jocelyn texts back where to meet.
EXT. BATHROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Annie tells Danny that she’ll be right back. She enters the restroom, then exits the opposite side, where she meets Jocelyn and Jessica. They disappear into the crowd.
EXT. RESTROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Danny grows impatient for Annie. He asks a stranger if she saw Annie inside and they shake their head. Danny shouts into the lady’s restroom for Annie. No response.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica wants to watch a scary movie and begs until Annie says yes. The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Annie tells him about Danny. Jessica thinks the house is haunted and that there’s a monster in her closet. Frank tells them to clean their dishes before they leave for school and no more scary movies.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack answers the front door and finds Danny, wearing the same clothes as yesterday, on the porch. Jack tells Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
Annie and Jessica arrive home from school. Jack left a note, he picked up a shift and won’t be home till late. Money for a pizza on the fridge.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Annie doesn’t want to be Jessica’s mom. Jessica swears she put the bowl away. There’s no money on the fridge.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
As Jessica and Annie eat ramen, they hear the sound of heavy furniture moving in the basement. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head downstairs.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie peeks into the room and flips on the light. Nothing is there. From upstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica search frantically for the remote, but it’s missing. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall. Annie smells her mother’s perfume.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie tucks Jessica into bed.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters her room and finds her window open. She doesn’t remember opening it. Jessica screams from her bedroom.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie rushes in. Jessica tells her there’s a monster in the closet. Annie blames it on the scary movie. She checks the closet, but nothings in there. Annie explains that monsters aren’t real.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie begins to change into her pajamas, but gets the feeling she’s being watched.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks. Jack doesn’t want them watching scary movies anymore.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom and freaks Jessica out. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, perform a séance. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes. They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship.
Annie and Jack have an emotional fight. Jack accuses her friends of drinking all his beer. Annie embarrasses Jack for sleeping with her mom’s wedding dress.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jocelyn consoles Annie, who’s upset that her mom blames her for her death. Annie thinks her father hates her.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jack throws Nora’s wedding dress in a trash can and closes the lid.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share their first kiss. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn leaves and there’s a loud crash from the hallway.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway. Annie questions Jocelyn about what happened. Jocelyn only remembers a lady in white and the feeling of being pushed.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
It’s a tense ride home. Annie texts Jocelyn, but it goes unread.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. Annie hears whispers in her room.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica watch a mindless reality show, while armed with a baseball bat and kitchen knife. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written in blood. “It’s your fault!” The freezer pushes towards them.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors we met at the funeral reception.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack and Annie have a brutal argument. Jack understands that Annie’s pain because he lost her too. Jack says he has to live everyday with…Annie cuts him off, “With the girl that killed her?” The argument ends with Annie wishing her father was dead.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes from Fall to Winter.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie sits with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie video chats with Jocelyn. Jocelyn explains that she can’t see Annie anymore because she’s getting back together with her boyfriend. Annie gets teary eyed.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica watches TV on the couch. She’s startled by a red ball that rolls out of a closet.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM
Jessica bursts in, scaring Annie and Jocelyn half to death. Jocelyn sees the lady in white behind Annie and Jessica. Annie ends the video chat before Jocelyn can warn her. Jessica consoles Annie, when a loud voice screams Annie’s name from downstairs.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica ease their way down the stairs, searching for the signs of trouble. They search the living, but nothing is there. Suddenly, a crash from Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “Be with me…” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the drive way. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” There’s a quick flash of what appears to be Nora in her wedding dress. Jack is knocked out from behind.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie grows impatient. She heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie opens the door and finds her father, tied to a chair with a head wound. The ghost haunting the house is revealed to be Danny, who’s wearing Nora’s dirty wedding dress. He’s completely insane and has taken on Nora’s persona.
Danny gives Annie the choice: The wrong parent died? Kill your father and you can have your mom back. You wanted him dead.
Danny chops off Jack’s left wedding ring hand. Annie convinces Danny to give her the axe so she can kill her father. It’s a trick and she drives the axe into Danny’s shoulder.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie drags her dad to safety as Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window. Jack is losing a lot of blood. Annie has no choice but to drive her dad to the hospital.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – NIGHT
Annie is scared to drive, but Jack believes in her.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – MOMENTS LATER
Annie weaves through traffic as her father fights to keep his eyes open.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie screeches to a halt and jumps out. She runs inside.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie, covered in blood, screams for help.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Hospital staff swarm the truck and put Jack on a stretcher. Annie watches in horror.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
Danny is handcuffed to a gurney and placed in the back of an ambulance.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Annie learns that her father is going to live. Annie breaks down with tears of joy, until she over hears that Danny is at the same hospital.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack rests in a hospital bed, with Annie and Jessica by his side. A police detective explains Danny’s history of violence and the charges he’ll face.
INT. WALLS – ANDREW’S HOME – VARIOUS
MONTAGE:
Danny slips through Annie’s open window.
Danny discovers the basement crawl space.
Danny takes the pizza money.
Danny watches Annie through a peephole he made.
Danny crawling through the walls to different peepholes.
Danny banging on the walls.
Danny slamming nails with a brick to make picture frames fall.
We see food wrappers and beer bottles filled with urine.
A pile of tissues and a stolen bottle of lotion.
INT. JACK’S HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Annie is disgusted. Jack takes her hand and tells her that they will get through this together. The police detective leaves. Annie opens up to Jack and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
INT. HALLWAY – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie waits for the Guard to step away from his post at Danny’s door and sneaks in.
INT. DANNY’S HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Annie confronts Danny, who’s handcuffed to the bed. We think she’s going to hurt him. She tells Danny that she told her sister that monsters aren’t real. But she was wrong. She calls him a monster and tells him that he needs to get help. She ends the conversation by forgiving him.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
INT. DANNY’S HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
A Nurse enters to check on Danny, but he escaped. She alerts the guard.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. Jack receives a call about Danny. Annie isn’t worried. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack tosses Annie the keys to her first car.
INT. SUBURBAN HOME – DAY
A mom enters the house, followed by her two young children. She finds the back door open and a dirty cereal bowl on the kitchen counter. A knife is missing from the butcher block.
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Rob Bertrand Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned: This pass really helped me improve my ending and gave me an idea for a wonderful payoff.
Flagged for an Update:
Scene 1 – Updated Jessica’s age to make it more important for Annie to protect her. Added set up that Jack has a drinking problem.
Scene 2. – Moved Jack’s intolerant comment about gay marriage from scene 3, to scene 2. This gives Annie a reason to be distracted.
Scene 7 – Jocelyn offers to watch Jessica, but she can’t be out too late.
Scene 8 – Expanded with more detail about Annie’s and Danny’s date. Added Scene 9-10.
Scene 15 – Added a Set Up: “Monster’s aren’t real.”
Scene 33 – Improved the scare.
Scene 35 – Changed bloody message to better tie into Annie’s guilt over her mom’s death.
Scene 38 – Added emotional weight to the argument.
Scene 54 – Added how Annie tricks Danny with the axe. Added Jack getting his hand severed.
Scene 56 – Added payoff – Annie has to drive her dad to the hospital and overcome her fear of driving.
Current Outline: 10/16/21
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene. At the funeral reception, Annie is embarrassed by her father’s intolerant comments about gay people. She’s struggling with her own sexuality.
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Jack and Nora Andrews attend a wedding with their daughters Annie, 16 and Jessica, 8. Mom and Dad have a little too much to drink. Nora is upset, because Jack was supposed to stay sober. Annie is handed the keys.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
While driving home, Annie and Jack get in an argument. Jack makes an intolerant comment about gay marriage. Distracted, Annie runs a stop sign and the family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies on the scene.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
At the funeral reception, Annie is angered by her drunk father, when she overhears him tell someone that if he hadn’t let Annie drive, that Nora would still be alive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
Inciting Incident: It’s the day of Annie’s big date, but she doesn’t want to go.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn does Annie’s makeup and gives her a pep talk for her date with Danny. Jocelyn confesses that she broke up with her boyfriend and is a bit jealous of Annie’s date. We learn that Danny and Annie have been talking online for a few weeks. Annie sends her sister Jessica to wake up their dad, for work.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
Jessica enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching mom’s wedding dress while watching his wedding video. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye before leaving for work. He won’t be home till 5 a.m. He remembers that Annie has that “thing.” He think’s getting out of the house and socializing is a good thing. Annie asks when she can get her driver’s license. Jack doesn’t think she’s ready. The conversation ends with an argument. Jack is saved by the doorbell.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Annie answers the door and is thrown off. Danny looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny. He’s sloppily dressed in dirty clothes. Jack meets Danny and is concerned about who will watch Jessica. Jocelyn offers to stay with Jessica as long as Annie is home by 8pm. Jocelyn and Jessica decide to follow Annie from a distance.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Danny thinks a mother is the heart of a family.
EXT. FERRIS WHEEL – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Danny and Annie ride the Ferris wheel. Annie admits that she sometimes thinks the wrong parent died. Danny tries to kiss Annie. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well. Annie texts Jocelyn that she needs to bail. Jocelyn texts back where to meet.
EXT. BATHROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Annie tells Danny that she’ll be right back. She enters the restroom, then exits the opposite side, where she meets Jocelyn and Jessica. They disappear into the crowd.
EXT. RESTROOMS – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT
Danny grows impatient for Annie. He asks a stranger if she saw Annie inside and they shake their head. Danny shouts into the lady’s restroom for Annie. No response.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica wants to watch a scary movie and begs until Annie says yes. The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny. Out of frustration, Jessica answers and hands to the phone to Annie. Annie politely tells Danny that she doesn’t want to be friends. Danny is deeply hurt.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie tucks Jessica into bed.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters her room and finds her window open. She doesn’t remember opening it. Jessica screams from her bedroom.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie rushes in. Jessica tells her there’s a monster in the closet. Annie blames it on the scary movie. She checks the closet, but nothings in there. Annie explains that monsters aren’t real.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie tells her father that she’s think’s Danny is creepy and doesn’t want anything to do with him. Jessica tells her father that the house is haunted.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Frank asks how the date went. Annie tells him about Danny. Jessica thinks the house is haunted. Frank tells them to clean their dishes before they leave for school and no more scary movies.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Jack tells Danny to stay away.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack answers the front door and finds Danny, wearing the same clothes as yesterday, on the porch. Jack tells Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
Annie and Jessica arrive home from school. Jack left a note, he picked up a shift and won’t be home till late. Money for a pizza on the fridge.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Annie doesn’t want to be Jessica’s mom. Jessica swears she put the bowl away. There’s no money on the fridge.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Annie finds her bedroom window open again.
Mid-Point: After several occurrences of phantom voices, furniture moving around and unexplained footsteps, Annie and Jessica become convinced the house is haunted by their mother. Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, in hopes of finding closure with their dead mother. The girls are busted by Jack, who’s drunk and upset over what he considers witchcraft.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
As Jessica and Annie eat ramen, they hear the sound of heavy furniture moving upstairs. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head upstairs to investigate. Jessica provides some comic relief.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT
Annie peeks into each room, flipping on lights as they go. Jessica’s imagination runs wild. From downstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down stairs. The remote is missing. They search frantically for it, but it’s nowhere to be found. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall. Annie smells her mother’s perfume.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks. Jack doesn’t want them watching scary movies anymore.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom. Jessica freaks out. Annie tells her to shut up. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, sit around a makeshift altar. Robert leads them in a self-taught séance. There’s a hint of flirtation between Annie and Jocelyn. Robert begins receiving answers to his questions in the form of knocks. The spirit knocks confirm that it’s the ghost of Nora Andrews. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes. They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship. Annie and Jack have an emotional fight. Jack accuses her friends of drinking all his beer. Annie admits she thinks the wrong parent died.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jocelyn consoles Annie, who’s upset that her mom blames her for her death. Annie thinks her father hates her.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie and Jocelyn share the bed. Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share their first kiss. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn has to leave. From the hallway, the sound of Jocelyn falling down the stairs. Annie rushes to see what happened.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway, as Annie steps inside the room. Jocelyn doesn’t remember what happened. She only remembers the feeling of being pushed.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
It’s a tense ride home. Annie texts Jocelyn, but it goes unread.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases when Annie and Jessica discover a threatening bloody message on the wall. After the police investigate and discover it was written in Ketchup, Annie is accused of faking it.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. She’s distracted by the sound of whispering and tracks it to a wall. Annie places an ear against the wall and is startled by loud pounding from behind the wall. She screams at the spirit to go away. The knocking intensifies, then stops. Jessica runs in, scared by the noise.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie, armed with a kitchen knife and Jessica, armed with her father’s baseball bat, sit together on the couch. A mindless reality show plays, but no one is paying attention. They’re senses alert for trouble. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written in blood. “It’s your fault!” Suddenly the freezer moves towards them.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors we met at the funeral reception.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack and Annie have a brutal argument. Jack understands that Annie’s in pain, but he lost her too. Jack says he has to live everyday with…Annie cuts him off, “With the girl that killed her?“. The argument ends with Annie wishing her father was dead.
Crisis: After a period of calm, Annie discovers another bloody message and is attacked by an unseen presence. Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house, but disappears after seeing the “Woman in White.”
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes from Fall to Winter.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie sits with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Annie enters her room, to find her window open again.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie video chats with Jocelyn. Jocelyn explains that she can’t see Annie anymore because she’s getting back together with her boyfriend. It’s what her parents want. Jocelyn sees movement behind Annie. Annie ends the video chat and has an emotional breakdown.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica watches TV on the couch. She’s startled by loud scream from inside the wall.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM
Jessica bursts in, scaring Annie and Jocelyn half to death. Jocelyn has to go. A voice screams Annie’s name from downstairs. Annie, arms herself with a knife she hid on her desk.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica ease their way down the stairs, searching for the signs of trouble. They search the living, but nothing is there. Suddenly, a crash from Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “Be with me…” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny, wearing a blonde wig and wearing her mother’s wedding dress, holding an axe to her dad’s throat. Danny has been living in the walls, faking the paranormal activity. He’s become obsessed with Annie and wants Annie to choose between him and her father. Annie overcomes her fear, tricks Danny and rescues her father. Police later find Danny hiding in a secret crawlspace. He’s been hiding there for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the drive way. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” There’s a quick flash of what appears to be Nora in her wedding dress. Jack is knocked out from behind.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie grows impatient. She heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie finds her father, tied to a chair. Blood pouring from an open wound on his head. A shape stands behind Jack. It’s revealed to be Danny LaPlante, wearing her mother’s wedding dress and a dirty blonde wig. He’s holding an axe to Jack’s throat. Danny speaks as if he is Annie’s mother. Annie tries to plead with Danny. Danny is giving Annie what she wants. If she kills her father, she can have her mother back. Jack admits that Nora’s death was his fault, not Annie’s. Danny agrees and slams the axe down on Jack’s arm, severing his hand. Annie asks for the axe. It should be her who kills her father. Not Danny. Danny smiles and gives her the axe. Annie hoists the axe above her father’s head. But it’s a trick. Annie embeds the axe deep in Danny’s shoulder. He falls to the ground, screaming in pain. Annie unties her father.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
As the Andrew’s escape the house, Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window. Annie pulls Jack towards the neighbors, who greet them on the porch. Jack tells them to lock their doors and call the police. The neighbors will keep Jessica safe. Jack tells Annie that she needs to drive him to the hospital. There’s no time to wait for an ambulance. He hands her the keys to his truck.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – NIGHT
Annie is hesitant to drive. Jack, getting weaker, tells Annie that he believes in her. Annie has no choice and fires up the engine.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – MOMENTS LATER
Annie weaves through traffic as her father fights to keep his eyes open. Annie yells at him to stay awake.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie screeches to a halt and jumps out. She runs inside.
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Annie, covered in blood, screams for help.
EXT. EMERGENCY ROOM – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Hospital staff swarm the truck and put Jack on a stretcher. Annie watches in horror.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny. He’s completely insane and has been living in the walls for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
Danny is placed in the back of a squad car.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Annie learns that her father is going to live. Annie breaks down with tears of joy.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack rests in a hospital bed, with Annie and Jessica by his side. A police detective explains what Danny had been up to.
INT. WALLS – ANDREW’S HOME – VARIOUS
MONTAGE:
Danny slips through Annie’s open window.
Danny discovers the basement crawl space.
Danny watches Annie through a peephole he made.
Danny banging on the walls.
Danny slamming nails with a brick to make picture frames fall.
We see food wrappers and beer bottles filled with urine.
A pile of tissues and a stolen bottle of lotion.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Annie is disgusted. Jack takes her hand and tells her that they will get through this together. The police detective leaves. Annie opens up to Jack and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack tosses Annie the keys to her first car. She hesitates, then overcomes her fear.
THE END
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Day 14: Cliché Busting
Rob Bertrand Pass #8: Cliché Busting!
What I learned: I learned that you can pull scenes from your script that feel cliché and brainstorm different ways to make them more unique, all while retaining the same essence.
Chosen Scene: Nora’s death scene.
Purpose: The scene’s purpose is to set up Nora’s death and to give a reason for Annie to feel guilt and responsibility for it.
Ideas:
A. While driving her drunk mom and dad home, Annie gets in a fight with her dad. She pulls over and starts walking down a rainy highway. Nora chases after her, but is hit by a car.
B. While driving her drunk parent’s home, Annie gets distracted while recording a TikTok with her mom and crashes through a guard rail, down a steep embankment. Nora is thrown from the car and killed instantly.
C. Annie is busted by the cops, drinking at a party. Her mom is called away from work, to pick her up. On the drive home, Annie and Nora are broadsided by a van.
D. After refusing to get the vaccine, Annie gets sick and infects her mother, who dies from Covid, in the hospital.
E. During a blowout fight with her mom, Annie screams, “I wish you were dead!” The next morning, Nora is found dead from an apparent suicide.
F. Annie forgets she’s supposed to pick up her mom from work and decides to party with her friends. Later, her mom’s dead body is found in an abandoned house.
G. After touring a college campus, Nora let’s Annie drive home. Annie loses control of the car, when another driver road rages and runs them off the highway, rolling their car. Nora dies on the scene.
H. Annie sneaks out of the house to go to a party, even though she’s supposed to be watching her terminally ill mom. When she returns, she discovers her mother died, while no one was home.
I. While driving her drunk parent’s home from an NFL game, Annie is involved in a minor fender bender. While investigating the damage, Annie’s mom is hit by a drunk driver.
J. While driving her drunk parents’ home from a sporting event, Annie runs a red light. Furious at her carelessness, Annie’s father makes her pull over as he lectures her. Annie refuses to drive any further. As Annie and Nora hop out to swap seats, Nora is hit by a car.
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Rob Bertrand Pass 7: Setup/Payoff Chains
What I learned: I learned how to make non-linear decisions and developed a series of Set ups and Payoffs that helped to improve the overall story.
1. List ALL of the setup/payoff chains (SP Chains) from your story:
SP Chain 1:
Setup: Annie feels tremendous guilt for the death of her mother.
Payoff 1: Annie overhears her father say, “If hadn’t let Annie drive, Nora would still be alive.”
Payoff 2: Annie asks her dad when she can get her license. Frank doesn’t think she’s ready.
Payoff 3: Annie and Jack argue about grief and blame.
Payoff 4: Jack admits that Nora’s death was his fault, not Annie’s
Payoff 5: Jack surprises Annie with keys to her first car.SP CHAIN 2:
Setup: Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s mom.
Payoff 1: Danny says, “A mother is the soul of a home.”
Payoff 2: Danny assumes the identity of Annie’s mom.SP CHAIN 3:
Setup: Annie finds a dirty cereal bowl on the kitchen table and blames it on her sister.
Payoff 1: Jack blames Annie for missing beer and food.
Payoff 2: Police find food and beer bottles in the crawl space where Danny was hiding.SP Chain 4:
Setup: Annie has feelings for Jocelyn and doesn’t want to date Danny.
Payoff 1: Annie bails on Danny and leaves him at the fair.
Payoff 2: Annie and Jocelyn develop feelings for each other.
Payoff 3: Jocelyn gets back together with her boyfriend after being attacked at Annie’s.SP Chain 5:
Setup: Annie becomes convinced the house is haunted by her mother.
Payoff 1: Annie and Jessica hear footsteps and voices.
Payoff 2: At the séance, the spirit of Nora blames Annie for her death.
Payoff 3: Annie learns that Danny has been hiding in the walls, pretending to be her mom.SP Chain 6:
Setup: Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should’ve been him that died.
Payoff 1: Jack sees a ghostly woman in white and thinks it’s his dead wife.
Payoff 2: Danny, wearing Nora’s wedding dress, abducts Jack.
Payoff 3: Danny gives Annie the choice to have her father swap places with her dead mom.2. Select a setup/payoff chain you want to make stronger:
I’ve chosen to focus on SP Chain 6.
How can you make the setup more interesting or effective?
It would be interesting for Danny to develop an amplified hatred of Jack, based on Annie’s comments at the fair. Annie would admit that she often thinks the wrong parent died. This would give Danny motivation to want to kill Jack in the climax and replace him, dressed as Annie’s mom.
How can you make the payoffs more emotional or meaningful?
It will be more emotional with Annie struggling with the thought that the wrong parent died. It will be more emotional for Annie, when Danny gives her the “choice” of killing her father and bringing her mother back from the dead.
3. Tell us what difference this has made for your outline.
I feel this new focus has really helped to up the emotional rollercoaster that Annie and Jack are riding, together.
Current Outline: 10/12/21
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene. At the funeral reception, Annie is embarrassed by her father’s intolerant comments about gay people. She’s struggling with her own sexuality.
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Jack and Nora Andrews attend a wedding with their daughters Annie, 16 and Jessica, 12. Mom and Dad have a little too much to drink. Annie is handed the keys.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
The family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies on the scene.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
At the funeral reception, Annie is angered by her drunk father, when she overhears him tell someone that if he hadn’t let Annie drive, that Nora would still be alive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
Inciting Incident: It’s the day of Annie’s big date, but she doesn’t want to go.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn does Annie’s makeup and gives her a pep talk for her date with Danny. Jocelyn confesses that she broke up with her boyfriend and is a bit jealous of Annie’s date. We learn that Danny and Annie have been talking online for a few weeks. Annie sends her sister Jessica to wake up their dad, Jack, for work.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
Jessica enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching mom’s wedding dress while watching his wedding video. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye before leaving for work. He won’t be home till 5 a.m. He remembers that Annie has that “thing.” He think’s getting out of the house and socializing is a good thing. Annie asks when she can get her driver’s license. Jack doesn’t think she’s ready. The conversation ends with an argument. Jack is saved by the doorbell.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Annie answers the door and is thrown off. Danny looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny. He’s sloppily dressed in dirty clothes. Jocelyn and Jessica decide to follow them from a distance.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – DAY
The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Danny thinks a mother is the soul of the home. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica wants to watch a scary movie and begs until Annie says yes. The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny. Out of frustration, Jessica answers and hands to the phone to Annie. Annie politely tells Danny that she doesn’t want to be friends.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie tucks Jessica into bed.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters her room and finds her window open. She doesn’t remember opening it. Jessica screams from her bedroom.
INT. JESSICA’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie rushes in. Jessica tells her there’s a monster in the closet. Annie blames it on the scary movie. She checks the closet, but nothings there.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie tells her father that she’s think’s Danny is creepy and doesn’t want anything to do with him. Jessica tells her father that the house is haunted.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Frank asks how the date went. Annie tells him about Danny. Jessica thinks the house is haunted. Frank tells them to clean their dishes before they leave for school and no more scary movies.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Jack tells Danny to stay away.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack answers the front door and finds Danny on the porch. Jack tells Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
Annie and Jessica arrive home from school. Jack left a note, he picked up a shift and won’t be home till late. Money for a pizza on the fridge.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Annie doesn’t want to be Jessica’s mom. Jessica swears she put the bowl away. There’s no money on the fridge.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Annie finds her bedroom window open again.
Mid-Point: After several occurrences of phantom voices, furniture moving around and unexplained footsteps, Annie and Jessica become convinced the house is haunted by their mother. Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, in hopes of finding closure with their dead mother. The girls are busted by Jack, who’s drunk and upset over what he considers witchcraft.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
As Jessica and Annie eat ramen, they hear the sound of heavy furniture moving from above their heads. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head upstairs to investigate.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT
Annie peeks into each room, flipping on lights as they go. Jessica’s imagination runs wild. From downstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down stairs. The remote is missing. They search frantically for it, but it’s nowhere to be found. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall. Annie smells her mother’s perfume.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks. Jack doesn’t want them watching scary movies anymore.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom. Jessica freaks out. Annie tells her to shut up. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, sit around a makeshift altar. Robert leads them in a self-taught séance. There’s a hint of flirtation between Annie and Jocelyn. Robert begins receiving answers to his questions in the form of knocks. The spirit knocks confirm that it’s the ghost of Nora Andrews. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes. They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship. Annie and Jack have an emotional fight. Jack accuses her friends of drinking all his beer. Annie admits she thinks the wrong parent died.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jocelyn consoles Annie, who’s upset that her mom blames her for her death and that her father hates her.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie and Jocelyn share the bed. Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share their first kiss. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn has to leave. From the hallway, the sound of Jocelyn falling down the stairs. Annie rushes to see what happened.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway, as Annie steps inside the room. Jocelyn doesn’t remember what happened. She only remembers the feeling of being pushed.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
It’s a tense ride home. Annie texts Jocelyn, but it goes unread.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases when Annie and Jessica discover a threatening bloody message on the wall. After the police investigate and discover it was written in Ketchup, Annie is accused of faking it.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. She’s startled by knocks on her wall and screams at them to go away. The knocking intensifies, then stops. Jessica runs in, scared by the noise.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie, armed with a kitchen knife and Jessica, armed with her father’s baseball bat, sit together on the couch. A mindless reality show plays, but no one is paying attention. They’re senses alert for trouble. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written in blood. “I’m in your bedroom. Come find me.” Suddenly the freezer moves towards them.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack and Annie have a brutal argument that ends with Annie wishing her father was dead.
Crisis: After a period of calm, Annie discovers another bloody message and is attacked by an unseen presence. Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house, but disappears after seeing the “Woman in White.”
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes outside the window.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie sits outside with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie video chats with Jocelyn. Jocelyn explains that she can’t see Annie anymore because she’s getting back together with her boyfriend. It’s what her parents want. Annie has an emotional breakdown.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica watches TV on the couch. She’s startled by loud scream from inside the wall.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM
Jessica bursts in, scaring Annie and Jocelyn half to death. Jocelyn has to go. A voice screams Annie’s name from downstairs. Annie, arms herself with a knife she hid on her desk.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica ease their way down the stairs, searching for the signs of trouble. They search the living, but nothing is there. Suddenly, a crash from Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “Be with me…” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny, wearing a blonde wig and wearing her mother’s wedding dress, holding an axe to her dad’s throat. Danny has been living in the walls, faking the paranormal activity. He’s become obsessed with Annie and wants Annie to choose between him and her father. Annie overcomes her fear, tricks Danny and rescues her father. Police later find Danny hiding in a secret crawlspace. He’s been hiding there for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the drive way. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” He’s knocked out from behind.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie grows impatient. She heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie finds her father, tied to a chair. Blood pouring from an open wound on his head. A shape stands behind Jack. It’s revealed to be Danny LaPlante, wearing her mother’s wedding dress and a dirty blonde wig. He’s holding an axe to Jack’s throat. Danny speaks as if he is Annie’s mother. Annie tries to plead with Danny. Danny is giving Annie what she wants. If she kills her father, she can have her mother back. Jack admits that Nora’s death was his fault, not Annie’s. Annie tricks Danny and saves her father.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
As the Andrew’s escape the house, Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny. He’s completely insane and has been living in the walls for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
Danny is placed in the back of a squad car as the Andrews family learns the reality of what he’s been doing.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack rests in a hospital bed, with bandages on his head. Annie opens up to him and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack tosses Annie the keys to her first car. She hesitates, then overcomes her fear.
THE END
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Rob Bertrand Pass #6: Subplots with Meaning
What I learned: I learned how that subplots should have an emotional impact on the main character and how to plot them throughout my outline.
1. Identify the Subplots
Subplot 1 – Jack (Annie’s father)
Beginning: Has a strained relationship with his daughters after the death of his wife. Frank masks his pain with work and alcohol. He needs Annie to step up and help with Jessica.
Middle: Frank thinks Annie is lying about the paranormal activity and that’s it’s a cry for help. His relationship with Annie is pushed to the breaking point when Jocelyn is hurt in his house.
End: Jack finally opens up to his daughter about his feelings and grief, when faced with imminent death.Subplot 2 – Jessica (Annie’s little sister)
– Beginning: After the death of her mother, Jessica looks to her older sister, Annie, for emotional support. Annie doesn’t want to be her mom. Jessica becomes obsessed with horror movies.
– Middle: Jessica and Annie bond over the paranormal activity. Jessica sticks up for Annie with their father, who doesn’t believe the paranormal activity is real.
– End: Jessica comes to the conclusion that monsters are real.Subplot 3 – Jocelyn (Annie’s best friend and potential girlfriend.)
– Beginning: Helps Annie get ready for her blind date.
– Middle: Gets attacked by Danny and pushed down the stairs.
– End: Tells Annie they can’t be friends anymore.2. Pick one subplot (or more) you’d like to improve and answer the question, “How can I make this more meaningful or emotional for my lead character?”
Subplot 3 – Jocelyn
I can make this subplot more interesting by adding a deeper romantic curiosity between both Annie and Jocelyn and make it less one sided.
Beginning: After her boyfriend breaks up with her, Jocelyn starts spending more time with Annie. Jocelyn is a bit jealous she’s going on a date. Annie isn’t interested in the date with Danny, because she has feeling developing for Jocelyn. Jocelyn enjoys the attention and curiosity blooms.
Middle: Jocelyn and Annie take their relationship to the next level and share a kiss. Jocelyn is attacked by Danny and pushed down the stairs, shortly after.
End: Jocelyn breaks it off with Annie and gets back together with her boyfriend. Breaking Annie’s heart.Current Outline: 10/11/21
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene. At the funeral reception, Annie is embarrassed by her father’s intolerant comments about gay people. She’s struggling with her own sexuality.
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Jack and Nora Andrews attend a wedding with their daughters Annie, 16 and Jessica, 12. Mom and Dad have a little too much to drink. Annie is handed the keys.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
The family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies on the scene.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
At the funeral reception, Annie is angered by her drunk father, who laughs at someone’s intolerant gay joke. Angry, the father snaps that he never should have let her drive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
Inciting Incident: It’s the day of Annie’s big date, but she doesn’t want to go.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn does Annie’s makeup and gives her a pep talk for her date with Danny. Jocelyn confesses that she broke up with her boyfriend and is a bit jealous of Annie’s date. We learn that Danny and Annie have been talking online for a few weeks. Annie sends her sister Jessica to wake up their dad, Jack, for work.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
Jessica enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching mom’s wedding dress while watching his wedding video. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye before leaving for work. He won’t be home till 5 a.m. He remembers that Annie has that “thing.” He think’s getting out of the house and socializing is a good thing.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Annie answers the door and is thrown off. Danny looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny. He’s sloppily dressed in dirty clothes. Jocelyn and Jessica decide to follow them from a distance.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – DAY
The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica wants to watch a scary movie and begs until Annie says yes. The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny. Out of frustration, Jessica answers and hands to the phone to Annie. Annie politely tells Danny that she doesn’t want to be friends.
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Annie and Jessica are awakened by the sound of footsteps from upstairs, followed by strange moaning.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie tells her father that she’s think’s Danny is creepy and doesn’t want anything to do with him. Jessica tells her father that the house is haunted.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Frank asks how the date went. Annie tells him about Danny. Jessica thinks the house is haunted. Frank tells them to clean their dishes before they leave for school.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Jack tells Danny to stay away.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack answers the front door and finds Danny on the porch. Jack tells Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
Annie and Jessica arrive home from school. Jack left a note, he picked up a shift and won’t be home till late. Money for a pizza on the fridge.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Annie doesn’t want to be Jessica’s mom. Jessica swears she put the bowl away. There’s no money on the fridge.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Annie finds her bedroom window open.
Mid-Point: After several occurrences of phantom voices, furniture moving around and unexplained footsteps, Annie and Jessica become convinced the house is haunted by their mother. Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, in hopes of finding closure with their dead mother. The girls are busted by Jack, who’s drunk and upset over what he considers witchcraft.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
As Jessica and Annie eat ramen, they hear the sound of heavy furniture moving from above their heads. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head upstairs to investigate.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT
Annie peeks into each room, flipping on lights as they go. Jessica’s imagination runs wild. From downstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down stairs. The remote is missing. They search frantically for it, but it’s nowhere to be found. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall. Annie smells her mother’s perfume.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks. Jack doesn’t want them watching scary movies anymore.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom. Jessica freaks out. Annie tells her to shut up. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, sit around a makeshift altar. Robert leads them in a self-taught séance. There’s a hint of flirtation between Annie and Jocelyn. Robert begins receiving answers to his questions in the form of knocks. The spirit knocks confirm that it’s the ghost of Nora Andrews. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes. They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie and Jocelyn share the bed. Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share their first kiss. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn has to leave. From the hallway, the sound of Jocelyn falling down the stairs. Annie rushes to see what happened.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway, as Annie steps inside the room. Jocelyn doesn’t remember what happened. She only remembers the feeling of being pushed.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
It’s a tense ride home. Annie texts Jocelyn, but it goes unread.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases when Annie and Jessica discover a threatening bloody message on the wall. After the police investigate and discover it was written in Ketchup, Annie is accused of faking it.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. She’s startled by knocks on her wall and screams at them to go away. The knocking intensifies, then stops. Jessica runs in, scared by the noise.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie, armed with a kitchen knife and Jessica, armed with her father’s baseball bat, sit together on the couch. A mindless reality show plays, but no one is paying attention. They’re senses alert for trouble. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written in blood. “I’m in your bedroom. Come find me.” Suddenly the freezer moves towards them.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack and Annie have a brutal argument that ends with Annie wishing her father was dead.
Crisis: After a period of calm, Annie discovers another bloody message and is attacked by an unseen presence. Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house, but disappears after seeing the “Woman in White.”
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes outside the window.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie sits outside with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie facetime’s with Jocelyn. Jocelyn explains that she can’t see Annie anymore because she’s getting back together with her boyfriend. It’s what her parents want. Annie has an emotional breakdown.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica watches TV on the couch. She’s startled by loud scream from inside the wall.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM
Jessica bursts in, scaring Annie and Jocelyn half to death. Jocelyn has to go. A voice screams Annie’s name from downstairs. Annie, arms herself with a knife she hid on her desk.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica ease their way down the stairs, searching for the signs of trouble. They search the living, but nothing is there. Suddenly, a crash from Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “Be with me…” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny, wearing a blonde wig and wearing her mother’s wedding dress, holding an axe to her dad’s throat. Danny has been living in the walls, faking the paranormal activity. He’s become obsessed with Annie and wants Annie to choose between him and her father. Annie overcomes her fear, tricks Danny and rescues her father. Police later find Danny hiding in a secret crawlspace. He’s been hiding there for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the drive way. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” He’s knocked out from behind.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie grows impatient. She heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie finds her father, tied to a chair. Blood pouring from an open wound on his head. A shape stands behind Jack. It’s revealed to be Danny LaPlante, wearing her mother’s wedding dress and a dirty blonde wig. He’s holding an axe to Jack’s throat. Danny speaks as if he is Annie’s mother. Annie tries to plead with Danny. Danny is giving Annie what she wants. If she kills her father, she can have her mother back. Annie learns that her father doesn’t blame her for Nora’s death. Annie tricks Danny and saves her father.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
As the Andrew’s escape the house, Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny. He’s completely insane and has been living in the walls for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
Danny is placed in the back of a squad car as the Andrews family learns the reality of what he’s been doing.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack rests in a hospital bed, with bandages on his head. Annie opens up to him and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack opens his truck door and tosses Annie the keys. She hesitates, then overcomes her fear.
THE END
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Rob Bertrand Pass #5: Action / Reaction
What I learned: I learned how to plot and track Action/Reaction between the protagonist and antagonist.
1. Tell us the following:
– Concept: A grieving teenager becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only for her father to accuse her of faking it for attention, but when her father goes missing, the teenage girl discovers a dangerous stalker, living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
– Protagonist Goal: Annie’s goal is to find closure over the death of her mom and repair the relationship with her father.
– Protagonist Character Arc: Annie goes from a depressed teenager, burdened with guilt over the death of her mom, to a fiercely confident young woman
– Main Conflict: Annie keeps experiencing frightening paranormal activity, but her father Jack thinks she’s making it up as a desperate cry for help.
2. Create the Action/Reaction Events chart for your story.
and list it.Protagonist: Annie / Antagonist: Danny
Annie rejects Danny and dodges his calls / Danny secretly breaks into her house and begins living in the walls with the intent of playing mind games with the family.
Annie watches a horror movie with her little sister, while talking about Danny with Jocelyn / Footsteps and moaning from upstairs to scare them.
Annie makes a snide comment about Danny / Paranormal activity that ends with mom’s perfume lingering in the air.
Performs a séance to speak to her dead mother / Gives answer that the mom blames Annie for her death.
Shares a poignant moment with Jocelyn / Pushes Jocelyn down the stairs and breaks her arms.
Annie gets mad at her dad for grounding her / Leaves a threatening bloody message: “It’s your fault.”
Learns that Jocelyn can’t see her anymore and has a breakdown / Attacks the sisters from within the walls.
Has a major fight with her dad / Abducts her dad and holds him hostage
Confronts Danny and stands her ground. / Gives her a choice to kill her father.
3. Make a list of the emotional moments the Protagonist will go
through that will cause him or her to face the change they need
to make.Mother dies in a car accident, while Annie is driving.
Over hears conversation with her dad, that insinuates that he blames her for his wife’s death.
Father’s not ready for her to get back behind the wheel.
Goes on a date that she doesn’t want to go on.
Can’t be honest with Danny and lies to him to make him stop calling.
Father doesn’t believe her story and thinks she’s making it up.
At the séance, the spirit replies “yes” when asked if it blames Annie for its death.
Loses her best friend and love interest.
Blow out fight with her dad where they both reveal they wish they were dead.
Discovers her house isn’t haunted and confronts Danny, who’s holding her dad hostage.
While negotiating with Danny, Annie learns that her father does not blame her for Nora’s death. He blames himself.
Current Outline: 10/8/21
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene. At the funeral reception, Annie is embarrassed by her father’s intolerant comments about gay people. She’s struggling with her own sexuality.
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Jack and Nora Andrews attend a wedding with their daughters Annie, 16 and Jessica, 12. Mom and Dad have a little too much to drink. Annie is handed the keys.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
The family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies on the scene.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
At the funeral reception, Annie is angered by her drunk father, who laughs at someone’s intolerant gay joke. Angry, the father snaps that he never should have let her drive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
Inciting Incident: It’s the day of Annie’s big date, but she doesn’t want to go.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn does Annie’s makeup and gives her a pep talk for her date with Danny. We learn that Danny and Annie have been talking online for a few weeks. Annie sends her sister Jessica to wake up their dad, Jack, for work.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
Jessica enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching mom’s wedding dress while watching his wedding video. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye before leaving for work. He won’t be home till 5 a.m. He remembers that Annie has that “thing.” He think’s getting out of the house and socializing is a good thing.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Annie answers the door and is thrown off. Danny looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny. He’s sloppily dressed in dirty clothes. Jocelyn and Jessica decide to follow them from a distance.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – DAY
The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny. Out of frustration, Jessica answers and hands to the phone to Annie. Annie politely tells Danny that she doesn’t want to be friends.
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Annie and Jessica are awakened by the sound of footsteps from upstairs, followed by strange moaning.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie tells her father that she’s think’s Danny is creepy and doesn’t want anything to do with him. Jessica tells her father that the house is haunted.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Frank asks how the date went. Annie tells him about Danny. Jessica thinks the house is haunted. Frank tells them to clean their dishes before they leave for school.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Jack tells Danny to stay away.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack answers the front door and finds Danny on the porch. Jack tells Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
Annie and Jessica arrive home from school. Jack left a note, he picked up a shift and won’t be home till late. Money for a pizza on the fridge.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Jessica swears she did. There’s no money on the fridge.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Annie finds her bedroom window open.
Mid-Point: After several occurrences of phantom voices, furniture moving around and unexplained footsteps, Annie and Jessica become convinced the house is haunted by their mother. Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, in hopes of finding closure with their dead mother. The girls are busted by Jack, who’s drunk and upset over what he considers witchcraft.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
As Jessica and Annie eat ramen, they hear the sound of heavy furniture moving from above their heads. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head upstairs to investigate.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT
Annie peeks into each room, flipping on lights as they go. Jessica’s imagination runs wild. From downstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down stairs. The remote is missing. They search frantically for it, but it’s nowhere to be found. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall. Annie smells her mother’s perfume.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom. Jessica freaks out. Annie tells her to shut up. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, sit around a makeshift altar. Robert leads them in a self-taught séance. There’s a hint of flirtation between Annie and Jocelyn. Robert begins receiving answers to his questions in the form of knocks. The spirit knocks confirm that it’s the ghost of Nora Andrews. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes. They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie and Jocelyn share the bed. Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share a “will they/won’t they” moment. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn has to leave. From the hallway, the sound of Jocelyn falling down the stairs. Annie rushes to see what happened.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway, as Annie steps inside the room. Jocelyn doesn’t remember what happened. She only remembers the feeling of being pushed.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
It’s a tense ride home. Annie texts Jocelyn, but it goes unread.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases when Annie and Jessica discover a threatening bloody message on the wall. After the police investigate and discover it was written in Ketchup, Annie is accused of faking it.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. She’s startled by knocks on her wall and screams at them to go away. The knocking intensifies, then stops. Jessica runs in, scared by the noise.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie, armed with a kitchen knife and Jessica, armed with her father’s baseball bat, sit together on the couch. A mindless reality show plays, but no one is paying attention. They’re senses alert for trouble. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written in blood. “I’m in your bedroom. Come find me.” Suddenly the freezer moves towards them.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack and Annie have a brutal argument that ends with Annie wishing her father was dead.
Crisis: After a period of calm, Annie discovers another bloody message and is attacked by an unseen presence. Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house, but disappears after seeing the “Woman in White.”
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes outside the window.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie sits outside with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie facetime’s with Jocelyn. Jocelyn explains that she can’t see Annie anymore. Annie has an emotional breakdown.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica watches TV on the couch. She’s startled by loud scream from inside the wall.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM
Jessica bursts in, scaring Annie and Jocelyn half to death. Jocelyn has to go. A voice screams Annie’s name from downstairs. Annie, arms herself with a knife she hid on her desk.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica ease their way down the stairs, searching for the signs of trouble. They search the living, but nothing is there. Suddenly, a crash from Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “Be with me…” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny, wearing a blonde wig and wearing her mother’s wedding dress, holding an axe to her dad’s throat. Danny has been living in the walls, faking the paranormal activity. He’s become obsessed with Annie and wants Annie to choose between him and her father. Annie overcomes her fear, tricks Danny and rescues her father. Police later find Danny hiding in a secret crawlspace. He’s been hiding there for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the drive way. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” He’s knocked out from behind.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie grows impatient. She heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie finds her father, tied to a chair. Blood pouring from an open wound on his head. A shape stands behind Jack. It’s revealed to be Danny LaPlante, wearing her mother’s wedding dress and a dirty blonde wig. He’s holding an axe to Jack’s throat. Danny speaks as if he is Annie’s mother. Annie tries to plead with Danny. Danny is giving Annie what she wants. If she kills her father, she can have her mother back. Annie learns that her father doesn’t blame her for Nora’s death. Annie tricks Danny and saves her father.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
As the Andrew’s escape the house, Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny. He’s completely insane and has been living in the walls for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
Danny is placed in the back of a squad car as the Andrews family learns the reality of what he’s been doing.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack rests in a hospital bed, with bandages on his head. Annie opens up to him and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack opens his truck door and tosses Annie the keys. She hesitates, then overcomes her fear.
THE END
-
Rob Bertrand NQ 3 and 4
What I learned: I learned out to insert the Emotional Dilemma and the Theme into my outline.
1. Tell us your concept.
When two traumatized sisters become convinced that their house is haunted, their father accuses them of faking it for attention, but when the paranormal activity escalates and the father goes missing, the sisters discover a dangerous stalker, living in the walls, pretending to be their dead mother.
2. Emotional Dilemma:
Can Annie overcome her grief and learn to stand up for herself or will she let the guilt of her mom’s death ruin her life and relationships?
A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up?
The emotional dilemma starts in the first scene, when Nora Andrews (mom) dies in a car accident, while Annie is driving. It continues through the first 10 pages, as Annie is set up on a blind date. She doesn’t want to go, but can’t say no.
B. How are both sides of the issue built up?
The emotional dilemma is built up through Act 1, when Annie is forced to tell Danny that she just wants to be friends. She can’t bring herself to tell him that she’s not interested, so she ignores him and doesn’t answer his calls. This forces Danny to show up at her house. When the paranormal activity starts, Annie starts to believe that her mom is haunting the house and that she blames Annie for her death. In the climax, Annie will overcome her guilt when facing Danny, who’s been hiding in her home, playing mind games.
C. When does the protagonist make the choice?
Annie makes the choice in the climax, after discovering that Danny has been hiding in her walls and has taken her dad hostage. In the moment, she overcomes her guilt and stands up to Danny.
D. What do they lose in making that choice?
When Annie makes her stand, she loses the guilt and grief that has been on her shoulders since the death of her mother.
3. Theme:
To forgive yourself is to love yourself.
A. What are both sides of your theme?
Side 1: Annie learns to forgive herself because her mother’s death was not her fault.
Side 2: Annie can’t forgive herself because her mom’s death was her fault.B. How will both sides show up throughout your story?
Annie will struggle with the guilt of her mom’s death throughout the 1st and 2nd Act. She believes it was her fault because she was driving. This thought is firmly planted in her mind, when she over hears a discussion between her father and her uncle at the funeral reception. Annie is triggered by a response during the Séance that seems to confirm that the spirit of her mom blames her for her death.
C. How does the climax of the story demand your message?
In the climax, Annie is confronted by Danny, who forces her to face her demons. Danny asserts that Annie’s father blames her for Nora’s death. Jack opens up to his daughter and tells her it’s not her fault. Annie finally stands up for herself and saves her father.
4. Current Outline: 10/6/21
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene. At the funeral reception, Annie is embarrassed by her father’s intolerant comments about gay people. She’s struggling with her own sexuality.
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Jack and Nora Andrews attend a wedding with their daughters Annie, 16 and Jessica, 12. Mom and Dad have a little too much to drink. Annie is handed the keys.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
The family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies on the scene.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
At the funeral reception, Annie is angered by her drunk father, who laughs at someone’s intolerant gay joke. Angry, the father snaps that he never should have let her drive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
Inciting Incident: It’s the day of Annie’s big date, but she doesn’t want to go.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn does Annie’s makeup and gives her a pep talk for her date with Danny. We learn that Danny and Annie have been talking online for a few weeks. Annie sends her sister Jessica to wake up their dad, Jack, for work.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
Jessica enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching mom’s wedding dress while watching his wedding video. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye before leaving for work. He won’t be home till 5 a.m. He remembers that Annie has that “thing.” He think’s getting out of the house and socializing is a good thing.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Annie answers the door and is thrown off. Danny looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny. He’s sloppily dressed in dirty clothes. Jocelyn and Jessica decide to follow them from a distance.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – DAY
The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny. Out of frustration, Jessica answers and hands to the phone to Annie. Annie politely tells Danny that she doesn’t want to be friends.
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Annie and Jessica are awakened by the sound of footsteps from upstairs, followed by strange moaning.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie tells her father that she’s think’s Danny is creepy and doesn’t want anything to do with him. Jessica tells her father that the house is haunted.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Frank asks how the date went. Annie tells him about Danny. Jessica thinks the house is haunted. Frank tells them to clean their dishes before they leave for school.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Jack tells Danny to stay away.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack answers the front door and finds Danny on the porch. Jack tells Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
Annie and Jessica arrive home from school. Jack left a note, he picked up a shift and won’t be home till late. Money for a pizza on the fridge.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Jessica swears she did. There’s no money on the fridge.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Annie finds her bedroom window open.
Mid-Point: After several occurrences of phantom voices, furniture moving around and unexplained footsteps, Annie and Jessica become convinced the house is haunted by their mother. Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, in hopes of finding closure with their dead mother. The girls are busted by Jack, who’s drunk and upset over what he considers witchcraft.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
As Jessica and Annie watch a movie, they hear the sound of heavy furniture moving from above their heads. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head upstairs to investigate.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT
Annie peeks into each room, flipping on lights as they go. Jessica’s imagination runs wild. From downstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down stairs. The remote is missing. They search frantically for it, but it’s nowhere to be found. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom. Jessica freaks out. Annie tells her to shut up. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, sit around a makeshift altar. Robert leads them in a self-taught séance. There’s a hint of flirtation between Annie and Jocelyn. Robert begins receiving answers to his questions in the form of knocks. The spirit knocks confirm that it’s the ghost of Nora Andrews. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes. They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie and Jocelyn share the bed. Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share a “will they/won’t they” moment. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn has to leave. From the hallway, the sound of Jocelyn falling down the stairs. Annie rushes to see what happened.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway, as Annie steps inside the room. Jocelyn doesn’t remember what happened. She only remembers the feeling of being pushed.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
It’s a tense ride home. Annie texts Jocelyn, but it goes unread.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases when Annie and Jessica discover a threatening bloody message on the wall. After the police investigate and discover it was written in Ketchup, Annie is accused of faking it.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. She’s startled by knocks on her wall and screams at them to go away. The knocking intensifies, then stops. Jessica runs in, scared by the noise.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie, armed with a kitchen knife and Jessica, armed with her father’s baseball bat, sit together on the couch. A mindless reality show plays, but no one is paying attention. They’re senses alert for trouble. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written in blood. “I’m in your bedroom. Come find me.” Suddenly the freezer moves towards them.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack lays down the law. The girls are grounded until further notice. Reminds them of the story of the little boy who cried wolf.
Crisis: After a period of calm, Annie discovers another bloody message and is attacked by an unseen presence. Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house, but disappears after seeing the “Woman in White.”
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes outside the window.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie sits outside with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie facetime’s with Jocelyn. Jocelyn explains that she can’t see Annie anymore.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica watches TV on the couch. She’s startled by loud scream from inside the wall.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM
Jessica bursts in, scaring Annie and Jocelyn half to death. Jocelyn has to go. A voice screams Annie’s name from downstairs. Annie, arms herself with a knife she hid on her desk.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica ease their way down the stairs, searching for the signs of trouble. They search the living, but nothing is there. Suddenly, a crash from Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “Did you miss me?” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny, wearing a blonde wig and wearing her mother’s wedding dress, holding an axe to her dad’s throat. Danny has been living in the walls, faking the paranormal activity. He’s become obsessed with Annie and wants Annie to choose between him and her father. Annie overcomes her fear, tricks Danny and rescues her father. Police later find Danny hiding in a secret crawlspace. He’s been hiding there for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the drive way. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” He’s knocked out from behind.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie grows impatient. She heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie finds her father, tied to a chair. Blood pouring from an open wound on his head. A shape stands behind Jack. It’s revealed to be Danny LaPlante, wearing her mother’s wedding dress and a dirty blonde wig. He’s holding an axe to Jack’s throat. Annie tries to plead with Danny. Danny wants to free Annie of her father and they can be together. Danny wants her to choose between him and her father. Annie tricks Danny and she escapes with her father.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
As the Andrew’s escape the house, Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny. He’s been living in the walls for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
Danny is placed in the back of a squad car as the Andrews family learns the reality of what he’s been doing.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack rests in a hospital bed, with bandages on his head. Annie opens up to him and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack opens his truck door and tosses Annie the keys. She hesitates, then overcomes her fear.
THE END
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Rob Bertrand’s 3rd Pass — NQ 1 and 2.
What I learned: I learned how to insert the Dramatic Question and Main Conflict into my outline, while making sure it is adequately peppered throughout the story.
1. Concept:
A traumatized teenager becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only for her father to accuse her of lying, but when the paranormal activity escalates and her father is taken hostage, the girl must rescue her father from an obsessed teenage boy living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
2. Dramatic Question:
Can a traumatized teenager overcome the guilt of her mom’s death and defeat the monster haunting her home?
A. Where does the Dramatic Question first get established and how?
The dramatic question is first introduced in the opening scene, with the death of Annie’s mother. Annie blames herself for her mom’s death, because she was driving when the accident happened. The dramatic question is fully introduced by page 10, when Annie and her sister tell their dad that the house might be haunted.
B. How is the Dramatic Question increased in intensity?
The dramatic question slowly increases in intensity with paranormal activity through the first act. It explodes in intensity when Annie’s best friend is pushed down the stairs and injured, at the end of the Midpoint.
C. Where does the Dramatic Question finally get answered?
The dramatic question is answered in the Climax, when Annie confronts Danny, who’s clearly insane. Annie is able to overcome the guilt of her mom’s death and tricks Danny to save her father.
3. Tell us your Main Conflict and the answers to these questions:
The main conflict is the dysfunctional communication between Annie, Jessica and their father, Jack. The sisters believe the house is haunted by their dead mother. Jack thinks his daughters are making it up as a way of seeking attention.
A. When does the Main Conflict first show up?
The main conflict first shows up by Page 10. After Annie’s horrible date, she and her sister are awakened by the sound of heavy footsteps and strange moaning from upstairs.
B. How many ways can you express the Main Conflict throughout the story?
Through the 1st and up to the 2nd act Turning point, there will be a variety of scenes of paranormal activity. (All mind games being played by Danny inside the walls of the home.) The spooky encounters will be the primary driving force behind Annie’s arguments with her father. But the real wedge between father and daughter is the undiscussed grief and guilt over the death of Nora Andrews. (Mom.) Something that Danny forces them to face in the climax.
C. What brings the Main Conflict to a boiling point in the 3rd Act?
The main conflict boils over at the start of the Climax, when Annie discovers the house isn’t haunted at all. She discovers Danny has been living in her walls for months and just took her father hostage with an axe.
D. How is the Main Conflict resolved?
The main conflict is resolved in the Resolution, after Annie saves her father. Annie is comfortable enough to come out to her father, who is loving and supportive. Danny is arrested. Jack decides to quit drinking and the family moves out of the house.
4. Current Outline:
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene. At the funeral reception, Annie is embarrassed by her father’s intolerant comments about gay people. She’s struggling with her own sexuality.
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Jack and Nora Andrews attend a wedding with their daughters Annie, 16 and Jessica, 12. Mom and Dad have a little too much to drink. Annie is handed the keys.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
The family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies on the scene.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
At the funeral reception, Annie is angered by her drunk father, who laughs at someone’s intolerant gay joke. Angry, the father snaps that he never should have let her drive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
Inciting Incident: It’s the day of Annie’s big date, but she doesn’t want to go.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
8 months later…Jocelyn does Annie’s makeup and gives her a pep talk for her date with Danny. We learn that Danny and Annie have been talking online for a few weeks. Annie sends her sister Jessica to wake up their dad, Jack, for work.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
Jessica enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching mom’s wedding dress while watching his wedding video. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye before leaving for work. He won’t be home till 5 a.m. He remembers that Annie has that “thing.” He think’s getting out of the house and socializing is a good thing.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Annie answers the door and is thrown off. Danny looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny. He’s sloppily dressed in dirty clothes. Jocelyn and Jessica decide to follow them from a distance.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – DAY
The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny. Out of frustration, Jessica answers and hands to the phone to Annie. Annie politely tells Danny that she doesn’t want to be friends.
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Annie and Jessica are awakened by the sound of footsteps from upstairs, followed by strange moaning.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie tells her father that she’s think’s Danny is creepy and doesn’t want anything to do with him. Jessica tells her father that the house is haunted.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Frank asks how the date went. Annie tells him about Danny. Jessica thinks the house is haunted. Frank tells them to clean their dishes before they leave for school.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Jack tells Danny to stay away.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack answers the front door and finds Danny on the porch. Jack tells Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
Annie and Jessica arrive home from school. Jack left a note, he picked up a shift and won’t be home till late. Money for a pizza on the fridge.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Jessica swears she did. There’s no money on the fridge.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – DAY
Annie finds her bedroom window open.
Mid-Point: After several occurrences of phantom voices, furniture moving around and unexplained footsteps, Annie and Jessica become convinced the house is haunted by their mother. Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, in hopes of finding closure with their dead mother. The girls are busted by Jack, who’s drunk and upset over what he considers witchcraft.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
As Jessica and Annie watch a movie, they hear the sound of heavy furniture moving from above their heads. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head upstairs to investigate.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT
Annie peeks into each room, flipping on lights as they go. Jessica’s imagination runs wild. From downstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down stairs. The remote is missing. They search frantically for it, but it’s nowhere to be found. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom. Jessica freaks out. Annie tells her to shut up. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, sit around a makeshift altar. Robert leads them in a self-taught séance. There’s a hint of flirtation between Annie and Jocelyn. Robert begins receiving answers to his questions in the form of knocks. The spirit knocks confirm that it’s the ghost of Nora Andrews. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes. They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie and Jocelyn share the bed. Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share a “will they/won’t they” moment. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn has to leave. From the hallway, the sound of Jocelyn falling down the stairs. Annie rushes to see what happened.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway, as Annie steps inside the room. Jocelyn doesn’t remember what happened. She only remembers the feeling of being pushed.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
It’s a tense ride home. Annie gets a texts Jocelyn, but it goes unread.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases when Annie and Jessica discover a threatening bloody message on the wall. After the police investigate and discover it was written in Ketchup, Annie is accused of faking it.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. She’s startled by knocks on her wall and screams at them to go away. The knocking intensifies, then stops. Jessica runs in, scared by the noise.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie, armed with a kitchen knife and Jessica, armed with her father’s baseball bat, sit together on the couch. A mindless reality show plays, but no one is paying attention. They’re senses alert for trouble. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written blood. “I’m in your bedroom. Come find me.” Suddenly the freezer moves towards them.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack lays down the law. The girls are grounded until further notice. Reminds them of the story of the little boy who cried wolf.
Crisis: After a period of calm, Annie discovers another bloody message and is attacked by an unseen presence. Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house, but disappears after seeing the “Woman in White.”
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes outside the window.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie sits outside with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Annie facetime’s with Jocelyn. Jocelyn explains that she can’t see Annie anymore.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica watches TV on the couch. She’s startled by loud scream from inside the wall.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM
Jessica bursts in, scaring Annie and Jocelyn half to death. Jocelyn has to go. A voice screams Annie’s name from downstairs. Annie, arms herself with a knife she hid on her desk.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica ease their way down the stairs, searching for the signs of trouble. They search the living, but nothing is there. Suddenly, a crash from Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “Did you miss me?” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny, wearing a blonde wig and wearing her mother’s wedding dress, holding an axe to her dad’s throat. Danny has been living in the walls, faking the paranormal activity. He’s become obsessed with Annie and wants Annie to choose between him and her father. Annie overcomes her fear, tricks Danny and rescues her father. Police later find Danny hiding in a secret crawlspace. He’s been hiding there for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the drive way. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” He’s knocked out from behind.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie grows impatient. She heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie finds her father, tied to a chair. Blood pouring from an open wound on his head. A shape stands behind Jack. It’s revealed to be Danny LaPlante, wearing her mother’s wedding dress and a dirty blonde wig. He’s holding an axe to Jack’s throat. Annie tries to plead with Danny. Danny wants to free Annie of her father and they can be together. Danny wants her to choose between him and her father. Annie tricks Danny and she escapes with her father.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
As the Andrew’s escape the house, Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny. He’s been living in the walls for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
Danny is placed in the back of a squad car as the Andrews family learns the reality of what he’s been doing.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack rests in a hospital bed, with bandages on his head. Annie opens up to him and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack opens his truck door and tosses Annie the keys. She hesitates, then overcomes her fear.
THE END
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Rob Bertrand – SLW Version 3
Request for Feedback Exchange
Updated 10/1/21
Concept:
Based on a true story. A traumatized teenager becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only for her father to accuse her of lying, but when the paranormal activity escalates and her father is taken hostage, the girl must rescue her father from an obsessed teenage boy living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
Plot Choice: #7 The Riddle: This one challenges the viewer to solve the riddle before the protagonist.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
Lead Characters:
Protagonist: Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother and struggling with her sexuality. She has a crush on her best friend.
Monster Bait: Jocelyn Wilcox is Annie’s best friend, who enjoys the attention she gets from Annie’s crush.
Antagonist: Danny Laplante is a high school dropout with a history of mental illness, who’s obsession for Annie drives him to live inside her walls. He’s dangerously jealous over Annie and Jocelyn’s relationship.
Side Character: Jessica Andrews, 12, since the death of her mom, she’s become obsessed with horror movies. Character adds some comedic relief.
Side Character: Jack Andrews is an overworked father, dealing with the loss of his wife and believes that Annie is faking the paranormal occurrences for attention. Struggling with alcoholism.
Character Arc: Annie Andrews goes from a depressed teenager, lacking self-esteem, to a confident, self-assured adult.
Part to be changed: Guilt and depression over the death of her mother.
Biggest fear: Rejection by her intolerant father.
Completion of arc: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who turns out to be supportive.Dramatic Question: Can a traumatized teenager overcome the guilt of her mom’s death and defeat the monster haunting her home?
Main Conflict: No one believes Annie’s claims of paranormal activity and thinks she’s faking it for attention.
Dilemma: Danny Laplante is hiding in the walls, playing demented mind games.
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
Plot/Structure:
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie is embarrassed by her father’s intolerant comments about gay people. She’s struggling with her own sexuality.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie’s father sets her up on a blind date with a new boy in town. Jocelyn convinces Annie to go as a joke.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself. All he wants to talk about is Annie’s dead mother. Jocelyn follows from afar, sending messages to Annie. Danny is not in on the joke. Annie ends up rejecting Danny.
Mid-Point: After several occurrences of phantom voices, furniture moving around and unexplained footsteps, Annie and Jessica become convinced the house is haunted by their mother. Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, in hopes of finding closure with their dead mother. The girls are busted by Jack, who’s drunk and upset over what he considers witchcraft.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases when Annie and Jessica discover a threatening bloody message on the wall. After the police investigate and discover it was written in Ketchup, Annie is accused of faking it. Jocelyn is attacked by a “woman in white” and is hospitalized. Jocelyn’s parents forbid her to see Annie.
Crisis: After a period of calm, Annie discovers another bloody message and is attacked by an unseen presence. Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house, but disappears after seeing the “Woman in White.”
Climax: Annie discovers Danny, wearing a blonde wig and wearing her mother’s wedding dress, holding an axe to her dad’s throat. Danny has been living in the walls, faking the paranormal activity. He’s become obsessed with Annie and wants Annie to choose between him and her father. Annie overcomes her fear, tricks Danny and rescues her father. Police later find Danny hiding in a secret crawlspace. He’s been hiding there for months.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
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Request for Feedback Exchange #2
Rob Bertrand – SLW Version 2
Concept:
Based on a true story. A traumatized teenage girl becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only for her father to accuse her of lying, but when the paranormal activity escalates and her father is abducted, the girl must rescue her father from an obsessed teenage boy living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
Plot Choice: #7 The Riddle: This one challenges the viewer to solve the riddle before the protagonist.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
Lead Characters:
Protagonist: Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother and struggling with her sexuality. She has a crush on her best friend.
Monster Bait: Jocelyn Wilcox is Annie’s best friend, who enjoys the attention she gets from Annie’s crush.
Antagonist: Danny Laplante is a high school dropout, who’s obsession for Annie drives him to live inside her walls. He’s dangerously jealous over Annie and Jocelyn’s relationship.
Side Character: Jessica Andrews, 12, since the death of her mom, she’s become obsessed with horror movies. Character adds some comedic relief.
Side Character: Jack Andrews is an overworked father, dealing with the loss of his wife and believes that Annie is faking the paranormal occurrences for attention. Struggling with alcoholism.
Character Arc: Annie Andrews goes from a depressed teenager, lacking self-esteem, to a confident, self-assured adult.
Part to be changed: Guilt and depression over the death of her mother.
Biggest fear: Rejection by her intolerant father.
Completion of arc: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who turns out to be supportive.Dramatic Question: Can a traumatized teenager overcome the guilt of her mom’s death and defeat the monster haunting her home?
Main Conflict: No one believes Annie’s claims of paranormal activity and thinks she’s faking it for attention.
Dilemma: Danny Laplante is hiding in the walls, playing demented mind games.
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
Plot/Structure:
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie Andrews is embarrassed by her drunken intolerant father’s comments about gay people.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie’s father sets her up on a blind date with a new kid in town. Jocelyn convinces Annie to go as a joke. Annie communicates with Danny, who sounds too good to be true.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself. All he wants to talk about is Annie’s dead mother. Jocelyn follows from afar, sending messages to Annie. Danny is not in on the joke. Annie ends up rejecting Danny.
Mid-Point: After several occurrences of phantom voices, furniture moving around and unexplained footsteps, Annie and Jessica become convinced the house is haunted by their mother. Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, in hopes of finding closure with their dead mother. The girls are busted by Jack, who’s drunk and upset over what he considers witchcraft.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases when Annie and Jessica discover a threatening bloody message on the wall. After the police investigate and discover it was written in Ketchup, Annie is accused of faking it. Jocelyn is attacked by a “woman in white” and is hospitalized. Jocelyn’s parents forbid her to see Annie.
Crisis: After a period of calm, Annie discovers another bloody message and is attacked by an unseen presence. Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house and but disappears.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny has been living in the walls. He’s become obsessed with Annie and wants Annie to choose between him and her father. Annie overcomes her fear and guilt with the help of her dad and tricks Danny to rescues her father. They escape together, after Danny vanishes. Police later find Danny hiding in a secret crawlspace. He’s been hiding there for months.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
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Request for Feedback Exchange
Rob Bertrand – SLW Version 1
Concept: A traumatized teenager becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
Plot Choice: #7 The Riddle: This one challenges the viewer to solve the riddle before the protagonist.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
Lead Characters:
Protagonist: Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother and struggling with her sexuality. Has a crush on her best friend.
Monster Bait: Jocelyn Wilcox is Annie’s best friend and enjoys the attention she gets from Annie’s crush.
Protagonist: Danny Laplante is a high school dropout, who’s obsession for Annie drives him to live inside her walls. He’s dangerously jealous over Annie and Jocelyn’s relationship.
Side Character: Jessica Andrews, 12, since the death of her mom, she’s become obsessed with horror movies. Character adds some comedic relief.
Side Character: Jack Andrews is an overworked father, dealing with the loss of his wife and believes that Annie is faking the paranormal occurrences for attention.
Character Arc: Annie Andrews goes from a people pleasing teenager lacking self-esteem, to a confident, self-assured adult.
Part to be changed: Guilt over the death of her mother.
Biggest fear: Rejection by her father.
Completion of arc: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father.Dramatic Question: Can a traumatized teenager overcome the guilt of her mom’s death and defeat the monster haunting her home?
Main Conflict: No one believes Annie’s claims of paranormal activity and thinks she’s faking it for attention.
Dilemma: Danny Laplante is hiding in the walls, playing demented mind games.
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
Plot/Structure:
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie Andrews is embarrassed by her drunken intolerant father’s comments about gay people.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie’s father sets her up on a blind date with a new kid in town. Jocelyn convinces Annie to go as a joke.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself. All he wants to talk about is Annie’s dead mother. Jocelyn follows from afar, sending messages to Annie. Danny is not in on the joke. Annie ends up rejecting Danny.
Mid-Point: After experiencing paranormal activity, Annie performs a séance with her little sister and Jocelyn, to speak with her dead mother. Annie is caught by her father.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases and Annie is accused of faking it. Jocelyn is attacked and hospitalized. Jocelyn breaks up with Annie.
Crisis: After a period of calm, the paranormal activity returns, directed at Annie. After they are attacked, Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house and disappears.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny has been living in the walls and must rescue her father before he’s killed.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
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Rob Bertrand’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web
1. What I learned doing this assignment is: I learned the “story logic web” and how it can help discover plot holes in your outline. Definitely helped me find a big one!
2. BEFORE:
Concept: Two teenage sisters become convinced that their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be their dead mother.
Lead Characters:
Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother, who comes to believe that her house is haunted.
Jessica Andrews is a middle school student, also dealing with the death of her mother, whose obsession with horror movies casts doubt on the sister’s paranormal experiences.
Frank Andrews is a grieving father, who thinks his daughter’s stories of paranormal activity are just a way of seeking attention and wants them to stop.
Danny Laplante is a high school dropout, who’s obsession with Annie drives him to live inside her walls, while pretending to be the spirit of her deceased mother.
Plot/Structure:
#4 Rescue: The Hero will rescue a victim from the villain but the focus of the story
is often on the hero’s pursuit of the villain. The natural progression:
separation, pursuit, confrontation, and finally reunion.Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie Andrews is embarrassed by her drunken intolerant father’s comments about gay people.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie begins receiving phone calls from a mysterious boy, who wants to take her on a date. She’s reluctant because she’s confused about her sexuality, but her father talks her into it, thinking it will help with her depression.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself. He’s greasy and morbid; wanting to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well.
Mid-Point: The sisters start to experience paranormal activity and begin to suspect the house is haunted by their mother. Annie and Jessica perform a séance in an attempt to seek closure. They receive knocking sounds in response to their questions. They are busted by their father, who thinks they shouldn’t be dabbling in the occult.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases in intensity. The sisters flee the house when they find a message written in blood that reads, “I’m in your bedroom. Come find me.” The police search the house and discover the message is written with ketchup. Their dad is furious and thinks they’re faking it for attention.
Crisis: After a period of calm, the paranormal activity returns, directed at Annie. Another message reads, “I’m back!” Annie is attacked by a ghostly woman in a white wedding dress. Jessica flees the house after Annie is taken.
Climax: Dad rushes home and finds the house is wrecked. He finds a blonde woman in his bedroom, wearing his dead wife’s wedding dress and holding a hatchet. Only it’s not a woman, it’s Danny Laplante and he’s holding Annie hostage. After a struggle, Annie and her Father escape the house. Later, the police find Danny, hiding in the walls of the house. He’s been living there for months.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
Character Arc:
Annie Andrews goes from childish teen lacking self-esteem, to a confident, self-assured adult.
Part to be changed: Guilt over the death of her mother.
Biggest fear: Rejection by her father.
Completion of arc: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father.Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:
Dramatic Question: Can a grieving dysfunctional family overcome their differences and defeat the evil haunting their home?
Main Conflict: After being rejected, Danny Laplante breaks into Annie’s home and begins living in her walls, while pretending to be the spirit of her late mother, to torment the family.
Dilemma: The Andrew sisters are scared for their lives, but their father thinks they’re acting up for attention.
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:
In the outlining process, a new character was discovered, so I now believe the idea works better as a Dramatic Triangle character structure. The triangle will be between Annie, her secret crush Jocelyn and Danny. I’ve also decided to change the Plot structure to #7 The Riddle because it better conveys the mystery of what’s happening in the house. I’m also considering turning Annie’s younger sister into a younger brother, or removing the character all together. I also want to remove a plot hole on why Annie would go on a date with Danny, if she already had a crush on Jocelyn.
4. AFTER:
Concept: Annie becomes convinced that her house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in the walls, pretending to be her dead mother.
Lead Characters:
Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother and struggling with her sexuality. Has a crush on her best friend.
Jocelyn Wilcox is Annie’s best friend and closest confidante.
Danny Laplante is a high school dropout, who’s obsession with Annie drives him to live inside her walls in hopes they can be together. He’s dangerously jealous over Annie and Jocelyn’s relationship.
Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)
#7 The Riddle: This one challenges the viewer to solve the riddle before the protagonist
does.Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews (mom) dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie Andrews is embarrassed by her drunken intolerant father’s comments about gay people.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie’s father set’s her up to go on a blind date with a new kid in town.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself.
Mid-Point: After experiencing paranormal activity, Annie performs a séance to speak with her dead mother. She’s caught by her father.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases and Annie is accused of faking it. Jocelyn is attacked and hospitalized. Jocelyn breaks up with Annie.
Crisis: After a period of calm, the paranormal activity returns, directed at Annie. After they are attacked, Annie and her sister run to the neighbors. Annie’s father investigates the house and disappears.
Climax: Annie discovers Danny has been living in the walls and must rescue her father before he’s killed.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
Character Arc:
Annie Andrews goes from a people pleasing teen lacking self-esteem, to a confident, self-assured adult.
Part to be changed: Guilt over the death of her mother.
Biggest fear: Rejection by her father.
Completion of arc: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father.Main Conflict, Dramatic Question, Dilemma:
Dramatic Question: Can a grieving teenager overcome her pain and defeat the evil haunting her home?
Main Conflict: No one believes Annie’s claims of paranormal activity and thinks she’s faking it for attention.
Dilemma: Danny Laplante is hiding in the walls, playing demented mind games.
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
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Day 7: Applying Plot and Character Arc to Your Outline
Rob Bertrand’s 1st Pass
What I learned: I learned how to apply plot and character arc to my first pass outline. I also learned how to give my protagonist a fully realized arc.
1. Logline: Two teenage sisters become convinced that their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be their dead mother.
2. Plot/Plot Summary: Rescue: After the death of their mother, two teenage girls become convinced their house is haunted. When their dad doesn’t believe them, the sisters begin experiencing frightening paranormal activity. Their investigation later reveals an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be the spirit of their dead mother. When the oldest daughter is taken hostage, her father is her only chance for survival.
3. Structure:
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie Andrews is embarrassed by her drunken intolerant father’s comments about gay people.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie begins receiving phone calls from a mysterious boy, who wants to take her on a date. She’s reluctant because she’s confused about her sexuality, but her father talks her into it, thinking it will help with her depression.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself. He’s greasy and morbid; wanting to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well.
Mid-Point: The sisters start to experience paranormal activity and begin to suspect the house is haunted by their mother. Annie and Jessica perform a séance in an attempt to seek closure. They receive knocking sounds in response to their questions. They are busted by their father, who thinks they shouldn’t be dabbling in the occult.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases in intensity. The sisters flee the house when they find a message written in blood that reads, “I’m in your bedroom. Come find me.” The police search the house and discover the message is written with ketchup. Their dad is furious and thinks they’re faking it for attention.
Crisis: After a period of calm, the paranormal activity returns, directed at Annie. Another message reads, “I’m back!” Annie is attacked by a ghostly woman in a white wedding dress. Jessica flees the house after Annie is taken.
Climax: Dad rushes home and finds the house is wrecked. He finds a blonde woman in his bedroom, wearing his dead wife’s wedding dress and holding a hatchet. Only it’s not a woman, it’s Danny Laplante and he’s holding Annie hostage. After a struggle, Annie and her Father escape the house. Later, the police find Danny, hiding in the walls of the house. He’s been living there for months.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
4. Protagonist Character Arc:
Annie Andrews goes from childish teen lacking self-esteem, to a confident, self-assured adult.
Part to be changed: Guilt over the death of her mother.
Biggest fear: Rejection by her father.
Completion of arc: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father.5. Plot in Structure:
Opening: Annie Andrews drives her drunk parents’ home from a wedding and is involved in a serious accident. Nora Andrews dies on the scene.
EXT. WEDDING VENUE – DUSK
Jack and Nora Andrews attend a wedding with their daughters Annie, 16 and Jessica, 12. Mom and Dad have a little too much to drink. Annie is handed the keys.
INT. ANDREWS CAR – NIGHT
The family is broadsided by another vehicle. Nora dies on the scene.
Inciting Incident: During an argument with her father, Annie is deeply hurt when he says that he should never have let her drive.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
At the funeral reception, Annie is angered by her drunk father, who laughs at someone’s intolerant gay joke. Angry, the father snaps that he never should have let her drive. We are introduced to the friendly elderly neighbors.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie begins receiving phone calls from a mysterious boy, who wants to take her on a date. She’s reluctant because she’s confused about her sexuality, but her father talks her into it, thinking it will help with her depression.
INT. FATHER’S ROOM – DAY
Annie enters to wake her father for work and discovers he fell asleep clutching her mom’s wedding dress while watching his wedding video. Empty liquor bottles litter the floor.
INT. LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Jack puts Annie in charge and leaves for work. He won’t be home till 5 a.m.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jessica and Annie watch a scary movie, when the phone rings. The caller is Danny Laplante, 16. Annie and Danny talk through the night.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack stumbles in and finds Annie, curled up on the couch, still talking to Danny.
INT. CLASS ROOM – DAY
Annie struggles to stay awake, while her friend Jocelyn grills her for all the details about Danny. Annie says she just wants to be friends. It’s nice to have someone to talk to.
INT. ANDREWS HOUSE – VARIOUS
Montage of Annie and Danny talking over the phone, over the course of a week.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Danny invites Annie on a date to the fair. Annie agrees, but only as friends. Danny agrees.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack gives a pep talk to Annie, who’s riddled with anxiety. He thinks this will help her depression. When Danny arrives, Annie is thrown off. He looks nothing like how he described himself. Instead of blonde and athletic, he has greasy black hair and is super skinny.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR – DAY
The date with Danny is awkward and uncomfortable. Danny wants to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The phone rings off the hook, but Annie doesn’t answer. She knows it’s Danny. Out of frustration, Jessica answers and hands to the phone to Annie. Annie politely tells Danny that she doesn’t want to be friends.
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Jack stumbles in from work, as Jessica and Annie eat cereal. Frank asks how the date went. Annie tells him about Danny. Frank tells them to clean their dishes.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jack answers the front door and finds Danny on the porch. Jack tells Danny to stay away from his daughter. Danny tells Jack that Annie was right, it should have been him that died.
Mid-Point: The sisters start to experience paranormal activity and begin to suspect the house is haunted by their mother. Annie and Jessica perform a séance in an attempt to seek closure. They receive knocking sounds in response to their questions. They are busted by their father, who thinks they shouldn’t be dabbling in the occult.
EXT. ANDREWS HOUSE – DAY
Annie and Jessica arrive home from school.
INT. KITCHEN
Annie finds a bowl of half-eaten cereal on the counter and gets on Jessica’s case for not cleaning up after herself. Jessica swears she did.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
As Jessica and Annie watch a movie, they hear heavy footsteps from above their heads. Annie sets down the TV remote and the girls cautiously head upstairs to investigate.
INT. Upstairs Hallway – Night
Annie peeks into each room, flipping on lights as they go. Jessica’s imagination runs wild. From downstairs, the TV volume goes full blast. The girl’s scream.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down stairs. The remote is missing. They search frantically for it, but it’s nowhere to be found. Annie finds the volume button on the TV and turns it down. The remote control flies out of the kitchen and explodes against the wall.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Jack gets home from work and is pounced on by his daughters. They talk over each other, explaining the creepy phenomenon. Jack thinks they’re pulling pranks.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie, Jessica and Jocelyn walk home from school. Jessica tells Jocelyn about the creepy things happening around their house. Jocelyn asks if it could be their mom. Jessica freaks out. Annie tells her to shut up. Jocelyn wants to do a séance.
INT. BASEMENT – ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie, Jessica, Jocelyn and their flamboyant friend Robert, sit around a makeshift altar. Robert leads them in a self-taught séance. There’s a hint of flirtation between Annie and Jocelyn. Robert begins receiving answers to his questions in the form of knocks. The spirit knocks confirm that it’s the ghost of Nora Andrews. When asked if the spirit blames Annie for the death of Nora the spirit replies yes. They are interrupted by Jack, who’s a bit drunk. He’s furious at them for playing around with devil worship.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – MORNING
Annie and Jocelyn share the bed. Annie watches Jocelyn sleep. Jocelyn wakes and they share a “will they/won’t they” moment. They are interrupted by pounding on the wall. Jocelyn has to leave. From the hallway, the sound of Jocelyn falling down the stairs. Annie rushes to see what happened.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Annie finds Jocelyn in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Her arms are broken.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – MORNING
Paramedics load Jocelyn into the back of an ambulance, as she mutters about being pushed from behind. Annie has an argument with her father.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jocelyn’s parents argue with Jack in the hallway, as Annie steps inside the room. Jocelyn doesn’t remember what happened. She only remembers the feeling of being pushed. Jocelyn won’t be able to see Annie anymore.
INT. JACK’S TRUCK – DAY
It’s a tense ride home.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases in intensity.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – EVENING
Jack pokes his head in to say goodbye. Annie doesn’t speak to him. She watches out the window as Jack backs out of the driveway. She’s startled by knocks on her wall and screams at them to go away. The knocking intensifies, then stops. Jessica runs in, scared by the noise.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie, armed with a kitchen knife and Jessica, armed with her father’s baseball bat, sit together on the couch. A mindless reality show plays, but no one is paying attention. They’re senses alert for trouble. Suddenly, noises from the basement.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica, investigate the basement and discover a message written blood. “I’m in your bedroom. Come find me.”
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
The sisters flee the house and head to the elderly neighbors.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Police search the house, but there’s no sign of anyone. A cop tells Jack that the message was written in ketchup and that the girls must be acting out for attention. Jack is furious.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack lays down the law. The girls are grounded until further notice. Reminds them of the story of the little boy who cried wolf.
Crisis: After a period of calm, the paranormal activity returns, directed at Annie. Another message reads, “I’m back!” Annie is attacked by a ghostly woman in a white wedding dress. Jessica and Annie flee the house.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – VARIOUS
Montage – Annie secludes herself in her room as the season changes outside the window.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Annie sits outside with Robert, eating lunch. She waves at Jocelyn, but it’s not reciprocated. Robert asks about the house and Annie reveals that it’s been quiet lately.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica watch TV on the couch. They are startled by loud tapping on the wall behind their heads. The tapping leads them upstairs to Annie’s room.
INT. ANNIE’S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a tornado hit it. The bed and furniture have been toppled. Clothes and knickknacks have been thrown everywhere. On the wall is written: “Did you miss me?” One by one, pictures frames hung on the wall fly off the shelf, nail and all.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie and Jessica run down the stairs, as pictures fly off the living room wall. A cross slowly spins upside down. Annie pulls Jessica out the door.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The sister’s run to the safety of the neighbors.
Climax: Dad rushes home and finds the house is wrecked. He finds a blonde woman in his bedroom, wearing his dead wife’s wedding dress and holding a hatchet. Only it’s not a woman, it’s Danny Laplante and he’s holding Annie hostage. After a struggle, Annie and her Father escape the house. Later, the police find Danny, hiding in the walls of the house. He’s been living there for months.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – LATER
Jack’s truck skids to a stop in front of the house. The elderly Neighbor greets him in the drive way. The neighbor says he looked around, but everything seemed normal. He didn’t call the cops.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Jack enters the house, only to discover the house is completely wrecked. Every light has been shattered. He’s drawn to the sound of static coming from upstairs.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jack opens the door slowly to reveal a message on the wall that reads: “Marry me!” In the corner of the room, a person with long blonde hair, wearing Nora’s wedding dress stands, face obscured by shadow.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Annie grows impatient. Heads inside her house to find her father.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Annie enters slowly, sizing up the mess. There’s no sign of her father. From upstairs, the sound of wedding music.
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Annie finds her father, tied to a chair. Blood pouring from an open wound on his head. A shape stands behind Jack. It’s revealed to be Danny LaPlante and he’s holding an axe. Annie tries to plead with Danny. Danny wants to free Annie of her father and they can be together. Annie tricks Danny and she escapes with her father.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOUSE – NIGHT
As the Andrew’s escape the house, Danny watches from the upstairs bedroom window.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Police use a dog to search the house. The dog catches a scent and barks at the basement door.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The search dog barks at the freezer in the corner. Police move the freezer and discover a large hole in the wall. A cop shines a flashlight into the hole and illuminates the face of Danny. He’s been hiding in the walls.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – NIGHT
Danny is placed in the back of a squad car as the Andrews family learns the reality of what he’s been doing.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who’s surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Jack rests in a hospital bed, with bandages on his head. Annie opens up to him and finally comes out to him. Jack is loving and supportive.
EXT. LOCAL CEMETERY – DAY
Annie sets a bouquet of flowers down on Nora’s grave. She’s joined by her father and sister. They embrace, with tears in their eyes.
EXT. ANDREW’S HOME – DAY
A few weeks later, the Andrews watch as movers load a moving truck. The family gives the house one last look before saying goodbye. When it’s time to go, Jack opens his truck door and tosses Annie the keys. She hesitates, then overcomes her fear.
THE END
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Rob Bertrand’s Favorite Movie Outline
What I learned: I learned how to outline a Hollywood movie, by only capturing the essence of the scene.
Dramatic Question: What is haunting the Freeling suburban home and who can they call for help?
Main Conflict: The Freeling’s new home is haunted by a Poltergeist.
Dilemma: Carole Anne is abducted by an evil spirit and taken to the “other side.”
Theme: Sins of the father can come back to haunt you.
POLTERGEIST
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
In the middle of the night, Carole Anne wakes up and talks to someone in the TV fuzz and wakes the entire house up.
EXT. CUSTE VERDE NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
A thriving new neighborhood. A man on a bike, struggles with a case of beer.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Steve Freeling is watching football with his buddies
INT. KID’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Diane Freeling discovers the family’s bird has died.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Steve gets in a fight with his neighbor about changing the channel on the TV. They’re on the same remote-control frequency.
INT. BATHROOM – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Carole Anne catches her mom, whose about to flush the bird down the toilet.
EXT. BACKYARD – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Robbie Freeling explores the backyard and climbs a creepy, old tree.
INT. KITCHEN – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Diane and Carole Anne place the dead bird in a cigar box.
EXT. BACKYARD – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Sitting on a branch of the tree, Robbie sees storm clouds approaching. Carole Anne and Diane bury the bird.
INT. KID’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Lightening illuminates the creepy tree. It looks like a grotesque monster. The kids are afraid of the storm.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve rolls Diane a joint as they talk.
INT. KID’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Robbie throws a jacket over a clown doll, then jumps back in bed.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
The parents are interrupted by Robbie, who’s worried about the storm. Steven takes him back to bed.
INT. KID’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Robbie tells his dad that he doesn’t like the tree. Steven teaches Robbie how to count thunderclaps.
INT. DANA’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve tells Dana to get off the phone and to go to bed.
INT. KID’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Robbie and Carole Anne count flashes and thunderclaps.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Robbie and Carole Anne sleep with their parents. A ghostly hand shoots out of the TV leaves a mark on the wall. Carole Anne proclaims, “They’re here.”
EXT. BACKYARD – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
A construction crew breaks ground on a new pool, disturbing the buried cigar box coffin.
INT. KITCHEN – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
It’s a chaotic family breakfast. Diane asks Carole Anne about the TV People.
EXT. BACKYARD – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
The construction workers cat call Dana, so she flips them off.
INT. KITCHEN – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Diane pushes the kitchen chairs in and tells Carole Anne to not sit so close to the TV.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Diane catches the dog, sitting on the bed and barking at the mark on the wall.
INT. KITCHEN – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Diane and Carole Anne have a paranormal experience with the kitchen chairs moving.
INT. NEW HOUSE – DAY
Steve gives a tour of a new home to some potential buyers.
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Steve arrives home after a long day at work. Diane rushes him into the house.
INT. KITCHEN – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve watches as Diane sits Carole Anne on the kitchen floor. Carole Anne magically slides across the floor. He’s stunned.
EXT. NEIGHBORS HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane and Steve ask the neighbor if they’ve experienced any strange occurences.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve and Diana discuss who they can call for help.
INT. KID’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Robbie counts flashes and thunderclaps, as another storm rolls in.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve doesn’t want anyone in the kitchen until he knows what is happening.
INT. KID’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
The storm is getting closer. The creepy tree breaks the window and pulls Robbie out. Diane and Steve race to help. Carole Anne watches as the closet door opens, filled with white light.
EXT. BACKYARD – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve and Diane search for Robbie.
INT. KID’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Carole Anne screams for help as she’s sucked towards the closet.
EXT. BACKYARD – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Robbie is being swallowed by the tree.
INT. KID’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Carole Anne is sucked into the closet.
EXT. BACKYARD – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve rescues Robbie and the tree disappears into a tornado.
INT. KID’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve and Diane search the closet, but Carole Anne is gone.
INT. FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
The family searches the house for Carole Anne.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane has a sudden thought that Carole Anne might be in the swimming pool.
EXT. BACKYARD – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve dives in the freshly dug pool and searches for Carole Anne.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Robbie hears Carole Anne’s voice on the TV.
EXT. BACKYARD – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve hears Robbie calling for help.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane calms Robbie and hears Carole Anne on the TV.
INT. PARAPSYCHOLOGY LAB – UNIVERSITY – DAY
Steve is interviewed by Dr. Lesh and her team about the family’s experiences. He just wants help finding his little girl.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Steve brings Dr. Lesh and her team into the house and advises they don’t go in the room anymore.
INT. KID’S ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Steve opens the bedroom door and the paranormal investigators witness toys and furniture levitating around the room.
INT. KITCHEN – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
The investigators are rattled and explain the definition of a Poltergeist as they continue to experience paranormal activity.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
The investigators conduct an experiment as Diane contacts Carole Anne through the TV. A portal opens in the ceiling above them and old jewelry falls out. One of the investigators was bit by something.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – LATER
The investigators discuss the case. Dr. Lesh and Diane have a heart-to-heart conversation with Robbie about restless spirits hanging on to life.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – LATER
While the house sleeps, investigator 1 and 2 monitor for paranormal activity.
INT. KITCHEN – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Investigator 2 raids the fridge for food and has a frightening paranormal experience that shakes him to his core.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
A bright light in the shape of a human walks down the stairs and frightens everyone. The investigators capture it on camera. Proof!
EXT. FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Steve and Diana send Robbie off in a Taxi.
INT. KITCHEN – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Dr. Lesh investigates the jewelry. Diane offers her some whiskey for her coffee. Dr. Lesh promises to be back with some help.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Steve’s boss checks in on him.
EXT. FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Steve’s boss asks him to go for a ride.
INT. HALLWAY – FREELING HOUSE – DAY
Diane opens Carole Anne’s bedroom door and is scared by a frightening noise.
EXT. NEW SUBDIVISION – DAY
Steve learns that his neighborhood is built on an old cemetery.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve and Diane give Tangina, a psychic, a tour of the house, with Dr. Lesh. Steve thinks she’s a crackpot.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – LATER
Tangina comforts Diane and confirms that Carole Anne is alive in the house. Tangina explains that death is only a transition to a different sphere of consciousness and that Carole Anne is trapped by spirits who cling to life. One of them is dangerous.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – LATER
The investigators conduct an experiment with a tennis ball. Diane calls out to Carole Anne.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Tangina discovers a portal entrance inside the closet.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
The portal exit opens above the living room.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Tangina throws a tennis ball into the portal.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
A tennis ball drops out of the portal exit.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Tangina throws a 2nd ball.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
The 2nd tennis ball drops from the portal.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane tells Carole Anne to not look at the light. Steve throws a rope into the portal.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
The rope drops out of the portal.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve yells to take out the slack.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Investigator 1 pulls the rope taute.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Tangina asks for the rope, but Diane insists on going into the portal herself. She kisses Steve and then walks into the light.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Dr. Lesh and Investigator 1 watch the portal.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
The face of a decomposed spirit screams at Steve from the portal. He screams in fear and drops the rope.
INT. LIVING ROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane and Carole Anne fall out of the portal and land on the floor, at Dr. Lesh’s feet. Steve runs down the stairs and picks them up.
INT. BATHROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve places them in the bathtub and they slowly wake up. Carole Anne is going to be okay. Tangina, “This house is clean.”
EXT. FREELING HOUSE – DAY
A moving truck is being loaded. The Freeling’s are moving.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane prepares to dye her hair and runs a bath.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane checks on the kids.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane gets in the bath.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Robbie and Carole Anne go to bed. He tries to cover the creepy clown doll with a jacket, but misses.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane relaxes in the bath
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Robbie is attacked by the clown and dragged under the bed.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane blow dries her hair and can’t hear Robbie screaming.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Robbie fights the clown under the bed.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane hears Robbie, but is attacked by an invisible presence.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Robbie gets the upper hand on the clown, as Carole Anne watches as the closet door opens slowly.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane continues to struggle with the invisible force.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Furniture and toys get sucked into the closet, before the door slams shut.
INT. HALLWAY – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane falls out of the master bedroom and calls for Robbie.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
The closet door oozes ectoplasmic residue. The bedroom door won’t open.
INT. HALLWAY – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane crawls towards the kid’s door, while being bombarded by spirit energy.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
The closet door surges with energy.
INT. HALLWAY – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane reaches for the kid’s door, but is electrocuted.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Blinding light from the closet door.
INT. HALLWAY – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
A spectral creature guards the kid’s door from Diane.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
The closet door implodes.
EXT. BACK YARD – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane runs through the yard, screaming for help. She falls into the muddy pool and is bumps into rotting corpses. She’s rescued by the neighbors.
INT. HALLWAY – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane runs towards the kid’s glowing bedroom door.
INT. KIDS BEDROOM – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane opens the door is swept off her feet by the force of the closet door. The kids hold on for dear life. Diane pulls the kids to safety.
EXT. FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve’s boss drops him off. The house windows glow with paranormal light.
INT. FOYER – FREELING HOUSE
Steve opens the front door as a coffin erupts through the floor. Diane and the kid’s scream as the front door slams shut.
INT. FREELING HOUSE – VARIOUS – NIGHT
Diane and the kids search for an escape, as coffins burst through the floor.
EXT. FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve confronts his boss about moving the headstones of the cemetery, but not the bodies.
EXT. BACK YARD – FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane and the kid’s escape through the backyard as coffins continue to explode from the ground.
EXT. FREELING HOUSE – NIGHT
Steve helps his family into the car and jumps in. He fumbles with the keys as a skeleton falls on the car windshield. The Freeling’s drive away as the house implodes in on itself.
EXT. RAINY STREET – NIGHT
The Freeling’s pass a sign, leaving town.
EXT. MOTEL – NIGHT
The Freeling’s enter a cheap motel. Steve pushes the TV out into the rain.
THE END.
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Rob Bertrand’s Basic Structure
What I learned: I learned that the classic 3 Act Structure is the industry standard for screenplays. I also learned the 9 Beat Structure and how it’s used to create a simple outline.
Logline: Two teenage sisters become convinced that their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be their dead mother.
Opening: Norah Andrews commits suicide with her car, in a stranger’s garage.
Inciting Incident: At the funeral reception, Annie Andrews is embarrassed by her drunken father’s intolerant comments about gay people.
By Page 10, you know what the movie is about: Annie begins receiving phone calls from a mysterious boy, who wants to take her on a date. She’s reluctant because she’s confused about her sexuality, but her father talks her into it, thinking it will help with her depression.
First Turning Point, End of Act 1: Annie goes to the fair with Danny, who turns out to be the complete opposite of how he described himself. He’s greasy and morbid; wanting to know everything about Annie’s dead mother. Repulsed, Annie rejects Danny, who doesn’t take it well.
Mid-Point: The sisters start to experience paranormal activity and begin to suspect the house is haunted by their mother. Annie and Jessica perform a séance in an attempt to seek closure. They receive knocking sounds in response to their questions. They are busted by their father, who thinks they shouldn’t be dabbling in the occult.
Second Turning Point, End of Act 2: The paranormal activity increases in intensity. The sisters flee the house when they find a message written in blood that reads, “I’m in your bedroom. Come find me.” The police search the house and discover the message is written with ketchup. Their dad is furious and thinks they’re faking it for attention.
Crisis: After a period of calm, the paranormal activity returns, directed at Annie. Another message reads, “I’m back!” Annie is attacked by a ghostly woman in a white wedding dress. Jessica flees the house after Annie is taken.
Climax: Dad rushes home and finds the house is wrecked. He finds a blonde woman in his bedroom, wearing his dead wife’s wedding dress and holding a hatchet. Only it’s not a woman, it’s Danny Laplante and he’s holding Annie hostage. After a struggle, Annie and her Father escape the house. Later, the police find Danny, hiding in the walls of the house. He’s been living there for months.
Resolution: Annie finds the courage to come out to her father, who is surprisingly supportive. Annie’s father quits drinking and the family moves away.
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Rob Bertrand’s Necessary Questions
What I learned: Today I learned the 4 Necessary Questions that give your story drama and create a sense of wholeness.
Concept: Two teenage sisters become convinced that their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be their dead mother.
Dramatic Question: Can a grieving dysfunctional family overcome their differences and defeat the evil haunting their home?
Main Conflict: After being rejected, Danny Laplante breaks into Annie’s home and begins living in her walls, while pretending to be the spirit of her late mother, to torment the family.
Dilemma: The Andrew sisters are scared for their lives, but their father thinks they’re acting up for attention.
Theme: Childhood is over the moment you realize that monsters are real.
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[PS80] Rob’s Dramatic Plots 2
What I learned: I learned 10 – 20 of the Dramatic Plots and how they can be used to tell the same story in different ways.
Original Concept: Two teenage sisters become convinced that their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be their dead mother.
Love: After tragedy rocks their family, two dysfunctional sisters attempt a séance, with hope of finding closure. But when the sisters get a response, they become convinced that the house is haunted by their deceased mother. When the paranormal activity continues to escalate over time, the frightened sisters open up to their father, who thinks his daughters are acting out for attention. The experience drives the sisters together and soon they discover a dangerous teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be their deceased mother.
Wretched Excess: When a dangerous teenage boy is rejected by the girl he loves, his obsession drives him to break into her family home and hide in her walls. As his mental health deteriorates, he pretends to be the spirit of the girl’s deceased mother and begins stalking the sisters, playing horrific mind games. When his mind fully snaps, the boy believes he can replace their mother by becoming her. The only thing in his way is a protective father.
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Rob Bertrand’s Dramatic Plots 1
What I learned: I learned the first 10 Dramatic Plots and realized that I could classify the movies I’ve seen with those categories.
The Two Dramatic Plots I chose
– Rescue: After the death of their mother, two teenage girls become convinced their house is haunted. When their dad doesn’t believe them, the sisters begin experiencing frightening paranormal activity. Their investigation later reveals an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be the spirit of their dead mother. When the oldest daughter is taken hostage, her father is her only chance for survival.
– The Riddle: After the death of their mother, two teenage girls come to believe that their house is haunted. The youngest daughter is convinced it is the ghost of their mother and the sisters begin communicating with the spirit. The paranormal activity increases and is directed at the oldest sister. After the house is wrecked, their dad loses his temper. He believes his daughters are acting out for attention. The twist reveals a dangerous teenage boy, living in the walls, pretending to be the ghost of the girl’s dead mother. The boy has developed an obsession for the oldest daughter and will stop at nothing to be with her. The boy staged the “haunting” to torment the family, enjoying the pain and suffering he caused.
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[PS80] Rob Bertrand’s Character Structure
What I learned: I learned that it’s important to outline your screenplay before you write it because it can help save you time and drafts. I also learned the difference between the 5 Character Structures.
1. Danny Laplante – Two teenage sisters become convinced that their house is haunted, only to discover an obsessed teenage boy living in their walls, pretending to be their dead mother.
2. Character Structure: I have decided to go with Ensemble Cast.
3. Characters
Annie Andrews is a high school senior, dealing with the recent loss of her mother, who comes to believe that her house is haunted.
Jessica Andrews is a middle school student, also dealing with the death of her mother, whose obsession with horror movies casts doubt on the sister’s paranormal experiences.
Frank Andrews is a grieving father, who thinks his daughter’s stories of paranormal activity are just a way of seeking attention and wants them to stop.
Danny Laplante is a high school dropout, who’s obsession with Annie drives him to live inside her walls, while pretending to be the spirit of her deceased mother.
4. Character Structure
Annie will be our lead, with her younger sister Jessica along for the ride. Since the death of their mother, Annie has had to step up and run the house, while their father works to keep food on the table. Annie suffers from depression and loneliness, but perks up when a mysterious boy begins calling, showing interest in her. But when she realizes Danny is not being truthful, she cuts the relationship off.
Since the death of her mother, Jessica has become fascinated with horror movies, much to the dismay of her father. After experiencing paranormal activity, Jessica becomes convinced that the house is haunted by her mother. She enlists the help of her sister to investigate.
Danny is a deeply disturbed young man, on the verge of committing heinous violence. He’s taken a liking to Annie, but when she breaks it off with him, Danny breaks into her house and begins hiding in the walls. Over time, he begins a sick game of tormenting the girl’s, by pretending to be the spirit of their dead mother.
Frank lost the love of his life and is doing his best to keep it together for the sake of his two daughters. He’s forced to work two jobs, to make ends meet and doesn’t have the time or patience for ghost stories. He’s hurting just as much as the girls are, but he’s too proud to show it.
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Greetings everyone!
1. My name is Robert Bertrand. My friends call me Rob. I am from Vancouver, Washington.
2. I’ve written 6 feature screenplays (1 optioned), and 2 short films. I’m most proud of my screenplay, The Sky Way, which is based on the true story of DB Cooper. I recently took the Horror Class and loved it so much, I decided to do the ProSeries.
3. My favorite genre is horror/thriller and I’m hoping to sharpen my skills on dialogue and subtext.
4. Something unique about me? I own an internationally famous Escape Room business called NW Escape Experience. We are famous for capturing a burglar. He broke in, got trapped inside and had to call 911 for help. The story went viral worldwide and culminated in being featured as a Jeopardy question with Alex Trebek.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Rob Bertrand.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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What I learned: I really loved the idea of “Find the great writing in every movie.” I’ve never really considered that before and it’s probably going to change how I watch movies going forwards. I also had an “aha moment,” when Hal discussed the addictive nature of professional feedback. I struggle with this! Overall, it was a excellent start to the ProSeries!
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Robert Bertrand
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Greetings all. Who needs a feedback partner?
THE RESONANCE – OUTLINE 1
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established:
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – LATER
Jerry Scheckla, dying of terminal cancer, wakes and sees a beautiful woman on the beach, approaching the back door of his bedroom. Jerry is confused, thinks it’s an angel until he recognizes her.
Horror Situation: Old Man Scheckla sees a ghost.
Apprehension: Who is the beautiful woman approaching from the beach?
Surprise: The woman now stands at the glass French door!
Shock: He recognizes the woman from his past (His wife.)
Release: The door opens, but she’s gone.
Creepy Moment: Jerry hears the approaching sound of bare feet on hardwood floor. No one is there.
Panic: The heart rate monitor races.
Monster Reveal: Is it a ghost?
Hysteria: Jerry screams for help.
INT. KITCHEN – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The Hospice Nurse hears the old man’s scream and drops what she’s doing.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Horror Situation: The Hospice Nurse investigates.
Dread: The Nurse thinks Jerry is a little old to be afraid of monsters and wants to get back to her homework.
Surprise/Scare: The nurse sees the back door is open.
Creepy Moment: The Nurse finds sandy feet print heading towards the bed.
Shock: The Nurse suspects Jerry’s been up walking around. She throws the bedding back to reveal clean feet.
Monster Reveal: The sound of a woman crying from behind the closet door.
Apprehension: The Nurse is apprehensive about checking the closet
Release: The closet is empty.
Suspense: The Nurse approaches the bed.
Surprise: The sound of the woman crying can be heard under the bed.
Suspense: The nurse kneels down slowly and lifts the bed skirt.
Release: Nothing is under the bed.
Monster Reveal: The nurse looks up and sees the face of a decomposed woman lying next to Jerry. It tells her to “Get out.”
Hysteria: The Nurse abandons Jerry and flees the room.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The Nurse trips on a piece of furniture and she’s dragged into the darkness.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DUPLEX – NIGHT
Abby Tillman, Tommy McLees and Noelle Johnson, (20s), investigate the home of a Single Mom and her two kids (Teenage Boy and Young Girl). The family claims to be experiencing paranormal activity. The investigators debunk it.
EXT. BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Al Scheckla (40s) arrives to his childhood home with his wife Barbara (40s) and his teenage daughter, Ellie (17). The front door is open. The Scheckla’s proceed cautiously.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Al steps in the front door and finds the house in complete disarray. Furniture is toppled, knickknacks and picture frames are scattered. It looks like a tornado went off.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Horror Situation: Al discovers his dying father, abandoned.
Apprehension: Al enters the room
Suspense: Al searches the room
Shock: Al finds Jerry huddled in the corner under a sheet.
Surprise: A picture frame flies across the room and breaks against the wall.
Monster Reveal: It can attack during the day.
Anxiety: Al realizes his father soiled himself and he’ll have to give him a bath.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
The sound of a bathtub filling. Al carries his frail old father and carefully lowers him into a warm bathtub. He notices the bruising on the old man’s body. Al calls Hospice Care and exits the bathroom.
INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Ellie enters the bedroom and discovers over 100 porcelain dolls of various sizes sitting on floor to ceiling shelves. She throws her bag on the bed and takes a closer look.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Barbara finishes picking up the living room. Everything has been returned to its rightful place.
INT. OFFICE ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Ellie investigates the office. The main feature is a floor to ceiling bookshelf that takes up an entire wall. Ellie watches as the luminous light anomaly disappears into a safe. The door pops open.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Al screams that he’ll just take care of his father himself. The Hospice Care warns that the old man’s condition is critical and that he should be in a hospital. The old man refuses to leave.
INT. OFFICE ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Ellie finds some kinky old Polaroids. She’s grossed out. We also glimpse an ornate key and a file folder. Al catches her and locks the safe. Explains Jerry’s rule: Stay out of the office.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Al breaks the news that they need to take care of Jerry. He doesn’t have long.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Jerry relaxes in the bath.
Horror Situation: Jerry is attacked and trapped under ice in the bathtub.
Apprehension/Surprise: Jerry begins to shiver and we see his breath.
Creepy Moment: A pair of decomposed hands massage Jerry’s scalp.
Monster Reveal: It can follow Jerry.
Dread: A woman’s voice speaks.
Shock: Jerry becomes alert. The hands washing him are gone.
Suspense: Jerry looks around the bathroom. No one is there.
Release: Jerry relaxes and closes his eyes.
Scare: Multiple hands grab Jerry and pull him under the water.
Monster Reveal: The entity can harm you.
Fear: Jerry screams underwater as the surface of the water turns to ice.
Panic: Jerry is trapped and can’t break the ice.
Creepy Moment: Al finds his dad trapped under ice.
Shock: Al can’t break the ice with his fists, it’s too thick.
Panic: Al looks around. What will break the ice.
Anguish: Al finds the metal towel rod and rips it from the wall.
Fear: Al smashes the ice with the metal rod.
Hysteria: Jerry gasps for air while coughing and flailing.
Shock: Al pulls Jerry from the bathtub and holds him.
Surprise: Barbara and Ellie run for a warm blanket.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Barbara runs into the living room to find that it’s been completely wrecked, again. Ellie stops behind her. Barbara asks if it’s a joke. The photo album is gone, replaced by an old shoe box. Inside is Al’s childhood View Master collection. Barbara grabs the blanket and runs.
Denial of Horror:
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Al, Barbara and Ellie discuss the creepy things happening in the house. Al knows the house is safe. A bird slams into the window and dies.
INT. PARAPSYCHOLOGY LAB – OREGON UNIVERSITY – DAY
Abby, Tommy and Noelle “work” on some equipment while eavesdropping on an argument in Dr. Tillman’s office. The lab has lost its funding. Dr. Tillman thinks it’s time to retire.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Barbara works the jigsaw puzzle, as Al rests on the couch. Pieces appear to be missing.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Horror Situation: Ellie teaches Jerry how to use a View Master.
Apprehension: Jerry is weary of his granddaughter’s contraption.
Surprise: Ellie holds the View Master to Jerry’s eyes and he thinks its magical.
Anxiety: With a pull of the lever the slide changes from a beautiful landscape, to a photo of an unhappy woman on the beach.
Fear: The next slide shows a different woman on the beach. This one is bleeding.
Suspense: The lever moves on its own. The slides are of different women, all in escalating states of decay.
Shock: The last slide is of Jerry’s wife.
Monster Reveal: The spirits are of dead woman?
Panic: Jerry pushes the View Master away.
Shock: The View Master flies out of Ellie’s hand and breaks against the wall.
Dread: The temperature drops, breath becomes visible. A foul odor fills the air.
Horror: The hold man is punched hard in the face by an invisible force.
Anguish: Ellie breaks down sobbing as the old man convulses and shakes.
Panic: Ellie calls for help.
Shock: Al witnesses his father being shaken mercilessly and jumps on the bed.
Panic: Barbara pulls Ellie away to protect her.
Anguish: Ellie cries for her grandfather and records the attack with her cell phone.
Surprise: The activity suddenly stops.
Hysteria: Jerry cries. He just wants to die. The family is in hysterics.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie and Barbara discuss their need for help. They scour the internet and find Dr. Tillman’s name.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al and Jerry talk. “I want to talk about Mom.” Al opens up about his marital problems. He Thinks Barbara may have cheated on him.
Monster: The nature of the beast:
INT. OFFICE – PARAPSYCHOLOGY LAB – MORNING
Abby receives an email from Barbara with some astonishing footage from the Scheckla house. She tries to convince her grandfather to investigate. The Professor declines.
INT. PARAPSYCHOLOGY LAB – MORNING
Abby refuses to quit and recruits Tommy and Noelle for one last investigation. It takes some convincing.
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted:
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Investigation Day 1 – Tommy and Noelle load in equipment, while Abby interviews the Scheckla family. We learn that Al’s mother left the family in 1995 and never kept in contact. KITCHEN – DAY
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Abby meets Jerry, who’s a bit grumpy about the strangers in his house.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The investigators perform an EVP session. Noelle snaps Polaroid photos to document. Jerry is attacked during the session.
Horror Situation: Night 1 attack on Jerry.
Anxiety: The investigators set up for an experiment. Jerry is grumpy about the disturbance.
Suspense: Abby and Noelle conduct an EVP session in Jerry’s room. They listen for responses to their questions.
Scare: Loud bangs on the back door.
Fear: Jerry is frightened and wants it all to stop.
Suspense: They ask another question and the floor flexes and creaks.
Fear: The back door opens and Jerry asks God for help.
Shock: Another question makes the lights flicker. Luminous balls of energy float through the back door and hover above Jerry.
Suspense: The balls of light dissipate into a mist that begins to snap and pop with electricity. Jerry reaches out to touch it.
Horror: Jerry is attacked by the electricity and writhes in pain. Al tries to help but is flung across the room.
Hysteria: Ellie runs in and begs for it to stop.
Surprise: The mist explodes into sparks and floats out the back door.
Dread: Is it over?
Fear: The house begins to shake.
Shock: The house loses power as the investigators equipment all explode at once.
INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT
Abby is shaking with excitement and is eager to study the evidence. This could be their big break.
INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT – LATER
Abby Tommy and Noelle review the recorded EVP session for evidence.
One of us killed (attacked):
31. INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT – LATER
Horror Situation: While Tommy and Abby sleep, Noelle is lured inside the house.
Anxiety: Noelle watches the monitors closely. Al Sleeps in a chair next to Jerry’s bed.
Surprise: Who’s at the door. Looks like Ellie through the window.
Dread: Noelle opens the door, no one is there. A shadow disappears into the house.
Apprehension: Noelle doesn’t want to wake the others. She goes to take a look.
32. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Searching for Ellie, Noelle is lured to the puzzle table and attacked by the Jigsaw Lady. It wants her to see the puzzle. It’s missing pieces.
Horror Situation: Noelle is lured to the Jigsaw Puzzle.
Dread: A whisper in the dark draws Noelle to the jigsaw table. The puzzle is unfinished and missing the center pieces.
Scare: Noelle catches a glimpse of the Jigsaw Lady and turns to run.
Shock: She can’t move. Her body is dragged backwards, spun around and then levitated in the air. It wants her to see the puzzle.
Panic: Noelle can’t breathe, she’s being chocked.
33. INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT
Noelle’s screaming on the monitor wakes Abby and Tommy.
34. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Jerry suffers another attack and begins coughing and choking. Al wakes, sitting in a chair at his father’s bedside. Jerry coughs up a number of bloody jigsaw puzzle pieces. Ellie comes in to check. Al sends her to get Abby and the crew.
35. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby and Tommy burst into the house as Noelle crumples to the floor. She gasps for breath. Ellie calls for help.
36. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby investigates the puzzle pieces. Noelle realizes they’re the missing pieces from the jigsaw puzzle in the living room.
37. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Barbara, Ellie, Noelle and Abby assemble a few pieces of the puzzle. Barbara plans to finish it tonight.
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
Full pursuit by the killer:
38. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Dr. Tillman arrives, having sensed his team was in danger. He instantly feels “the resonance” and explains the meaning. He checks on Noelle’s bruised neck. The lesson? Tommy – “Always stick together, there’s strength in numbers.”
39. INT. AL’S BEDROOM – BEACH HOUE – MORNING
Barbara pulls Al and Ellie aside and wants to leave. She wants to take Ellie and go. Ellie refuses to leave her grandfather. It’s tense.
40. INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – DAY
Dr. Tillman debunks the photo evidence and EVP evidence. But he finds the high EMF readings interesting. He discovers the highest reading happen at low tide.
42. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Horror Situation: The investigators conduct an experiment at low tide.
Fear: Jerry doesn’t know how much more he can take.
Dread: There’s still no power. Candles light the room. Low tide has come.
Surprise: Right on cue, the back door opens on its own.
Suspense: The balls of energy return, shooting across the room, into the wall.
Shock: Everything with a battery is drained of power. It’s gathering energy. The candles extinguish all at once.
Panic: The room is pitch dark.
Shock: A full torso apparition of a woman forms at the foot of the bed.
Monster Reveal: It takes a lot of energy to manifest.
Anguish: Jerry screams to leave him alone.
Fear: The apparition vanishes. The room begins to shake. Jerry is violently ripped out of bed and levitated in midair.
Horror: Jerry is beaten and rag dolled around the room by an invisible force. Objects swirl around, pelting Jerry like a hurricane.
Anguish: Jerry’s family watches helplessly, until he is thrown to the ground. They rush to his aid.
Surprise: A mist forms above them, cracking and popping with electricity.
Shock: Objects fall from the mist, out of thin air, and land on the ground. (Hairbrush, Jewelry, a porcelain doll, etc.)
Hysteria: Barbara screams at the entity.
Anguish: Al and Ellie protect Jerry from flying objects.
Shock: Tommy pulls out a cross necklace and prays. Dr. Tillman scolds him.
Hysteria: Barbara flees the room
43. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Barbara is overwhelmed and stands crying in the hallway. She hears crying behind her and turns around to see the upper torso of a male corpse crawling towards her from the office.
44. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The phenomenon suddenly stops. Al and Ellie fight back tears and console Jerry. The Doc is reinvigorated and is excited to review the evidence again.
45. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Dr. Tillman reveals his theory of RSPK (recurrent spontaneous psychokinesis). He’s seen it before. Abby’s backstory and the death of her mom is explained.
46. INT. ABBY’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM – FLASHBACK – NIGHT
Young Abby has a psychic tantrum and accidently kills her mother.
47. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby is shocked. The doc had been keeping this from her. “I did not kill my mother with psychokinesis” Abby argues with her grandfather, then storms off. Al leaves to check on Barbara and Ellie.
Terrorized:
48. INT. AL’S BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al discovers Barbara’s luggage is missing. The car is gone. Barbara left them. He calls, but there’s no answer.
49. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al tells Ellie about Barbara and they argue. Ellie runs out the back door.
50. EXT. BEACH – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie finds Abby sitting on a driftwood log. They bond over Abby’s story of her dead mother’s lullaby. They are interrupted by Dr. Tillman. Ellie heads to bed. The Doc explains his reasoning for keeping his secret. He suggests a radical experiment using the “God Helmet” to stimulate Abby’s pineal gland and awaken her dormant 3rd eye. If they can tune to the same Resonance as the poltergeist agent, they can learn from it. Maybe even stop it.
51. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby sits in a chair, wearing a garage made helmet, wired with electrodes and sensors. Wires run to a variety of monitoring equipment. The experiment gives Abby a vision.
52. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Dr. Tillman brings Abby out of the trance.
53. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby reveals her vision: Dead woman, steel box, an iron door and the ornate key. The Old Man Reveals to Al and the group the story of his missing wife and her lover. A man, he thinks was a serial killer. The Key reminds Al of his fondest memory; making a time capsule (the steel box) with his father after his mom left. They filled it with her favorite items as a way to grieve and buried it inside a cave on Haystack rock. The items that materialized out of thin air were his mom’s items. If the apported items are not in the time capsule, then what is? Al discovers her wedding ring is missing. Abby theorizes that the mother is trying to make contact. Maybe she’s attached to that ring and can’t rest until she’s reunited with it. Dr. Tillman think’s that’s nonsense. He thinks this is all emanating from Ellie.
54. INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al opens the safe and pulls the out the key sitting on top of a file of newspaper clippings. Abby, Noelle, Tommy and Al head out to Haystack Rock. Dr. Tillman stays with Jerry.
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death:
55. EXT. BEACH – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The investigators hike towards Haystack rock, which land locked due to the low tide. Each carrying a shovel.
56. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
Dr. Tillman explains to Jerry the psychic talent of Psychometry; the ability to discover facts about an event or person, simply by touching an item associated with them. Dr. Tillman wants to try it with the newspaper articles about missing woman.
57. INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Horror Situation: Ellie wakes to the sound of pitter patter of tiny feet on the hardwood floor.
Panic: Ellie wakes to the sound of small feet on the wood floor.
Release: Ellie searches the room with a flashlight. All clear.
Fear: Another loud noise.
Shock: The dolls have moved.
Panic: Ellie hides under the blankets
Suspense: Ellie slowly peaks out from under the blankets and shines her flashlight.
Horror: All of the dolls have disappeared!
Panic: Ellie’s flashlight dies.
Shock: She tries to run, but tiny hands trip her from under the bed.
Monster Reveal: The Porcelain Lady, hiding in the shadows.
Horror: The dolls are attacking Ellie, dragging her under the bed.
Hysteria: Ellie fights for her life.
Panic: Dr. Tillman bursts into the room and pulls Ellie to safety
Horror: The Porcelain Lady chases them out the door.
58. EXT. BEACH – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
The investigators make their way carefully through the tide pools of Haystack Rock. Al leads the way to a cave. A sign reads No Trespassing/Unlawful to Enter CITY CODE. They head inside.
59. INT. CAVE – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT –
Al says this is the spot. They begin to dig.
Hysteria:
60. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
The entire house is a paranormal storm of activity. Ellie and Dr. Tillman duck and dodge flying objects. Ellie wants to get her grandpa to safety. Dr. Tillman eyes go wide as he touches Jerry’s hand. The Doc is flung hard against the wall. Blood pours from his head. Before he passes out, he sees Ellie pulling her grandfather into a wheelchair.
The thrilling escape from death:
61. INT. HALLWAY – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie pushes Jerry down the hallway towards the living room. The house rumbles, picture frames explode and glass showers down on them. Spirits come from all directions and funnel them into the office.
62. INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie slams the door and leans against it. Jerry reveals he knows of a safe place to hide.
63. INT. CAVE – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
The investigators find the buried time capsule.
64. INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Horror Situation: Jerry opens a hidden passage to a staircase with a stairlift.
Shock: Ellie is shocked when Jerry opens a secret door.
Panic: She straps Jerry into the stairlift and activates it.
Scare: The office door explodes open.
Suspense: The stairlift slowly descends as the ghosts pursue.
Panic: They’re getting close
Dread: Ellie opens a huge iron door and looks into the dark abyss.
Panic: Ellie drags Jerry into the dark room.
Shock: The iron door slams shut and the bookcase door resets.
65. INT. CAVE – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
The steel box finally gives and the lid is pops open. Al opens it to reveal the dismembered bones of his missing mother. Her wedding ring still on her hand. Al has a full-on emotional breakdown. Abby senses it – “Ellie’s in danger!”
66. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby and the crew discover Dr. Tillman. He reveals that Jerry is the poltergeist agent.
67. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The house looks like a bomb went off. The God Helmet is destroyed. Noelle – “Maybe you don’t need it?” Ellie focuses. The world falls away. It’s just her and the house. The spirits reveal themselves in human form. They point the way.
68. INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby sees the ghost of her mom, who sings the same lullaby from her flashbacks. It clues her into what book to pull to open the secret door. She’s been getting this clue all her life!
69. INT. KILL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
Abby and Al discover Jerry’s private kill room. The Hospice Nurse and Barbara’s bodies are discovered. A scream leads them to another room.
A scream from the rear of the dark room. Abby and Al push through plastic hanging from the ceiling to discover Jerry, sitting on an old bloody sofa, holding a knife to Ellie’s throat. Abby negotiates the situation. Jerry makes to slit Ellie’s throat, but Abby screams, “No!” The knife flies out of Jerry’s hand and embeds in the wall. Ellie shoves the weak old man off and runs to her father. Jerry lay’s crying on the sofa.
Death returns to take one or more:
70. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Jerry has been returned to his bed. He’s too weak to move. Al sits quietly at his bedside. As the morning sun rises, Jerry confesses to the murder of Al’s mother. Al picks up a pillow and places it over his father’s face. The last thing Jerry sees is his dead wife holding the pillow, surrounded by all of his victims.
Horror Situation: The death of a serial killer.
Anguish: Al picks ups a pillow.
Fear: Jerry realizes it’s the moment of his death.
Horror: Jerry is proud that Al is going to kill him.
Horror: The last thing Jerry sees is his dead wife holding the pillow, surrounded by all of his victims.
Shock: Al can’t believe what he’s done.
Resolution
71. EXT. MOBILE LAB – MORNING
Cannon Beach Sheriff’s Department work the crime Scene. Bodies are bagged by the coroner. Al and Ellie are traumatized. The investigators wonder where to go from here. This case changes everything.
72. INT. BARN LABORATORY – DAY
6 months later – The team has set up a makeshift lab in a barn.
Dr. Tillman wants to introduce the newest member of the team. It’s Ellie Scheckla. Her father inherited a fortune and has saw fit to fund the teams research, as long as Ellie can learn. Good thing, because Abby just got an email lead. On to the next case.
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ROB’S HORROR OUTLINE – VERSION 1
What I learned: Using all of the lessons combined, creates a powerful outline for your screenplay.
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established:
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – LATER
Jerry Scheckla, dying of terminal cancer, wakes and sees a beautiful woman on the beach, approaching the back door of his bedroom. Jerry is confused, thinks it’s an angel until he recognizes her.
Horror Situation: Old Man Scheckla sees a ghost.
Apprehension: Who is the beautiful woman approaching from the beach?
Surprise: The woman now stands at the glass French door!
Shock: He recognizes the woman from his past (His wife.)
Release: The door opens, but she’s gone.
Creepy Moment: Jerry hears the approaching sound of bare feet on hardwood floor. No one is there.
Panic: The heart rate monitor races.
Monster Reveal: Is it a ghost?
Hysteria: Jerry screams for help.
INT. KITCHEN – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The Hospice Nurse hears the old man’s scream and drops what she’s doing.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Horror Situation: The Hospice Nurse investigates.
Dread: The Nurse thinks Jerry is a little old to be afraid of monsters and wants to get back to her homework.
Surprise/Scare: The nurse sees the back door is open.
Creepy Moment: The Nurse finds sandy feet print heading towards the bed.
Shock: The Nurse suspects Jerry’s been up walking around. She throws the bedding back to reveal clean feet.
Monster Reveal: The sound of a woman crying from behind the closet door.
Apprehension: The Nurse is apprehensive about checking the closet
Release: The closet is empty.
Suspense: The Nurse approaches the bed.
Surprise: The sound of the woman crying can be heard under the bed.
Suspense: The nurse kneels down slowly and lifts the bed skirt.
Release: Nothing is under the bed.
Monster Reveal: The nurse looks up and sees the face of a decomposed woman lying next to Jerry. It tells her to “Get out.”
Hysteria: The Nurse abandons Jerry and flees the room.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The Nurse trips on a piece of furniture and she’s dragged into the darkness.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DUPLEX – NIGHT
Abby Tillman, Tommy McLees and Noelle Johnson, (20s), investigate the home of a Single Mom and her two kids (Teenage Boy and Young Girl). The family claims to be experiencing paranormal activity. The investigators debunk it.
EXT. BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Al Scheckla (40s) arrives to his childhood home with his wife Barbara (40s) and his teenage daughter, Ellie (17). The front door is open. The Scheckla’s proceed cautiously.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Al steps in the front door and finds the house in complete disarray. Furniture is toppled, knickknacks and picture frames are scattered. It looks like a tornado went off.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Horror Situation: Al discovers his dying father, abandoned.
Apprehension: Al enters the room
Suspense: Al searches the room
Shock: Al finds Jerry huddled in the corner under a sheet.
Surprise: A picture frame flies across the room and breaks against the wall.
Monster Reveal: It can attack during the day.
Anxiety: Al realizes his father soiled himself and he’ll have to give him a bath.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
The sound of a bathtub filling. Al carries his frail old father and carefully lowers him into a warm bathtub. He notices the bruising on the old man’s body. Al calls Hospice Care and exits the bathroom.
INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Ellie enters the bedroom and discovers over 100 porcelain dolls of various sizes sitting on floor to ceiling shelves. She throws her bag on the bed and takes a closer look.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Barbara finishes picking up the living room. Everything has been returned to its rightful place.
INT. OFFICE ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Ellie investigates the office. The main feature is a floor to ceiling bookshelf that takes up an entire wall. Ellie watches as the luminous light anomaly disappears into a safe. The door pops open.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Al screams that he’ll just take care of his father himself. The Hospice Care warns that the old man’s condition is critical and that he should be in a hospital. The old man refuses to leave.
INT. OFFICE ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Ellie finds some kinky old Polaroids. She’s grossed out. We also glimpse an ornate key and a file folder. Al catches her and locks the safe. Explains Jerry’s rule: Stay out of the office.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Al breaks the news that they need to take care of Jerry. He doesn’t have long.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Jerry relaxes in the bath.
Horror Situation: Jerry is attacked and trapped under ice in the bathtub.
Apprehension/Surprise: Jerry begins to shiver and we see his breath.
Creepy Moment: A pair of decomposed hands massage Jerry’s scalp.
Monster Reveal: It can follow Jerry.
Dread: A woman’s voice speaks.
Shock: Jerry becomes alert. The hands washing him are gone.
Suspense: Jerry looks around the bathroom. No one is there.
Release: Jerry relaxes and closes his eyes.
Scare: Multiple hands grab Jerry and pull him under the water.
Monster Reveal: The entity can harm you.
Fear: Jerry screams underwater as the surface of the water turns to ice.
Panic: Jerry is trapped and can’t break the ice.
Creepy Moment: Al finds his dad trapped under ice.
Shock: Al can’t break the ice with his fists, it’s too thick.
Panic: Al looks around. What will break the ice.
Anguish: Al finds the metal towel rod and rips it from the wall.
Fear: Al smashes the ice with the metal rod.
Hysteria: Jerry gasps for air while coughing and flailing.
Shock: Al pulls Jerry from the bathtub and holds him.
Surprise: Barbara and Ellie run for a warm blanket.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Barbara runs into the living room to find that it’s been completely wrecked, again. Ellie stops behind her. Barbara asks if it’s a joke. The photo album is gone, replaced by an old shoe box. Inside is Al’s childhood View Master collection. Barbara grabs the blanket and runs.
Denial of Horror:
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Al, Barbara and Ellie discuss the creepy things happening in the house. Al knows the house is safe. A bird slams into the window and dies.
INT. PARAPSYCHOLOGY LAB – OREGON UNIVERSITY – DAY
Abby, Tommy and Noelle “work” on some equipment while eavesdropping on an argument in Dr. Tillman’s office. The lab has lost its funding. Dr. Tillman thinks it’s time to retire.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Barbara works the jigsaw puzzle, as Al rests on the couch. Pieces appear to be missing.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Horror Situation: Ellie teaches Jerry how to use a View Master.
Apprehension: Jerry is weary of his granddaughter’s contraption.
Surprise: Ellie holds the View Master to Jerry’s eyes and he thinks its magical.
Anxiety: With a pull of the lever the slide changes from a beautiful landscape, to a photo of an unhappy woman on the beach.
Fear: The next slide shows a different woman on the beach. This one is bleeding.
Suspense: The lever moves on its own. The slides are of different women, all in escalating states of decay.
Shock: The last slide is of Jerry’s wife.
Monster Reveal: The spirits are of dead woman?
Panic: Jerry pushes the View Master away.
Shock: The View Master flies out of Ellie’s hand and breaks against the wall.
Dread: The temperature drops, breath becomes visible. A foul odor fills the air.
Horror: The hold man is punched hard in the face by an invisible force.
Anguish: Ellie breaks down sobbing as the old man convulses and shakes.
Panic: Ellie calls for help.
Shock: Al witnesses his father being shaken mercilessly and jumps on the bed.
Panic: Barbara pulls Ellie away to protect her.
Anguish: Ellie cries for her grandfather and records the attack with her cell phone.
Surprise: The activity suddenly stops.
Hysteria: Jerry cries. He just wants to die. The family is in hysterics.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie and Barbara discuss their need for help. They scour the internet and find Dr. Tillman’s name.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al and Jerry talk. “I want to talk about Mom.” Al opens up about his marital problems. He Thinks Barbara may have cheated on him.
Monster: The nature of the beast:
INT. OFFICE – PARAPSYCHOLOGY LAB – MORNING
Abby receives an email from Barbara with some astonishing footage from the Scheckla house. She tries to convince her grandfather to investigate. The Professor declines.
INT. PARAPSYCHOLOGY LAB – MORNING
Abby refuses to quit and recruits Tommy and Noelle for one last investigation. It takes some convincing.
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted:
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Investigation Day 1 – Tommy and Noelle load in equipment, while Abby interviews the Scheckla family. We learn that Al’s mother left the family in 1995 and never kept in contact. KITCHEN – DAY
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Abby meets Jerry, who’s a bit grumpy about the strangers in his house.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The investigators perform an EVP session. Noelle snaps Polaroid photos to document. Jerry is attacked during the session.
Horror Situation: Night 1 attack on Jerry.
Anxiety: The investigators set up for an experiment. Jerry is grumpy about the disturbance.
Suspense: Abby and Noelle conduct an EVP session in Jerry’s room. They listen for responses to their questions.
Scare: Loud bangs on the back door.
Fear: Jerry is frightened and wants it all to stop.
Suspense: They ask another question and the floor flexes and creaks.
Fear: The back door opens and Jerry asks God for help.
Shock: Another question makes the lights flicker. Luminous balls of energy float through the back door and hover above Jerry.
Suspense: The balls of light dissipate into a mist that begins to snap and pop with electricity. Jerry reaches out to touch it.
Horror: Jerry is attacked by the electricity and writhes in pain. Al tries to help but is flung across the room.
Hysteria: Ellie runs in and begs for it to stop.
Surprise: The mist explodes into sparks and floats out the back door.
Dread: Is it over?
Fear: The house begins to shake.
Shock: The house loses power as the investigators equipment all explode at once.
INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT
Abby is shaking with excitement and is eager to study the evidence. This could be their big break.
INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT – LATER
Abby Tommy and Noelle review the recorded EVP session for evidence.
One of us killed (attacked):
31. INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT – LATER
Horror Situation: While Tommy and Abby sleep, Noelle is lured inside the house.
Anxiety: Noelle watches the monitors closely. Al Sleeps in a chair next to Jerry’s bed.
Surprise: Who’s at the door. Looks like Ellie through the window.
Dread: Noelle opens the door, no one is there. A shadow disappears into the house.
Apprehension: Noelle doesn’t want to wake the others. She goes to take a look.
32. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Searching for Ellie, Noelle is lured to the puzzle table and attacked by the Jigsaw Lady. It wants her to see the puzzle. It’s missing pieces.
Horror Situation: Noelle is lured to the Jigsaw Puzzle.
Dread: A whisper in the dark draws Noelle to the jigsaw table. The puzzle is unfinished and missing the center pieces.
Scare: Noelle catches a glimpse of the Jigsaw Lady and turns to run.
Shock: She can’t move. Her body is dragged backwards, spun around and then levitated in the air. It wants her to see the puzzle.
Panic: Noelle can’t breathe, she’s being chocked.
33. INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT
Noelle’s screaming on the monitor wakes Abby and Tommy.
34. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Jerry suffers another attack and begins coughing and choking. Al wakes, sitting in a chair at his father’s bedside. Jerry coughs up a number of bloody jigsaw puzzle pieces. Ellie comes in to check. Al sends her to get Abby and the crew.
35. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby and Tommy burst into the house as Noelle crumples to the floor. She gasps for breath. Ellie calls for help.
36. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby investigates the puzzle pieces. Noelle realizes they’re the missing pieces from the jigsaw puzzle in the living room.
37. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Barbara, Ellie, Noelle and Abby assemble a few pieces of the puzzle. Barbara plans to finish it tonight.
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
Full pursuit by the killer:
38. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Dr. Tillman arrives, having sensed his team was in danger. He instantly feels “the resonance” and explains the meaning. He checks on Noelle’s bruised neck. The lesson? Tommy – “Always stick together, there’s strength in numbers.”
39. INT. AL’S BEDROOM – BEACH HOUE – MORNING
Barbara pulls Al and Ellie aside and wants to leave. She wants to take Ellie and go. Ellie refuses to leave her grandfather. It’s tense.
40. INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – DAY
Dr. Tillman debunks the photo evidence and EVP evidence. But he finds the high EMF readings interesting. He discovers the highest reading happen at low tide.
42. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Horror Situation: The investigators conduct an experiment at low tide.
Fear: Jerry doesn’t know how much more he can take.
Dread: There’s still no power. Candles light the room. Low tide has come.
Surprise: Right on cue, the back door opens on its own.
Suspense: The balls of energy return, shooting across the room, into the wall.
Shock: Everything with a battery is drained of power. It’s gathering energy. The candles extinguish all at once.
Panic: The room is pitch dark.
Shock: A full torso apparition of a woman forms at the foot of the bed.
Monster Reveal: It takes a lot of energy to manifest.
Anguish: Jerry screams to leave him alone.
Fear: The apparition vanishes. The room begins to shake. Jerry is violently ripped out of bed and levitated in midair.
Horror: Jerry is beaten and rag dolled around the room by an invisible force. Objects swirl around, pelting Jerry like a hurricane.
Anguish: Jerry’s family watches helplessly, until he is thrown to the ground. They rush to his aid.
Surprise: A mist forms above them, cracking and popping with electricity.
Shock: Objects fall from the mist, out of thin air, and land on the ground. (Hairbrush, Jewelry, a porcelain doll, etc.)
Hysteria: Barbara screams at the entity.
Anguish: Al and Ellie protect Jerry from flying objects.
Shock: Tommy pulls out a cross necklace and prays. Dr. Tillman scolds him.
Hysteria: Barbara flees the room
43. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Barbara is overwhelmed and stands crying in the hallway. She hears crying behind her and turns around to see the upper torso of a male corpse crawling towards her from the office.
44. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The phenomenon suddenly stops. Al and Ellie fight back tears and console Jerry. The Doc is reinvigorated and is excited to review the evidence again.
45. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Dr. Tillman reveals his theory of RSPK (recurrent spontaneous psychokinesis). He’s seen it before. Abby’s backstory and the death of her mom is explained.
46. INT. ABBY’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM – FLASHBACK – NIGHT
Young Abby has a psychic tantrum and accidently kills her mother.
47. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby is shocked. The doc had been keeping this from her. “I did not kill my mother with psychokinesis” Abby argues with her grandfather, then storms off. Al leaves to check on Barbara and Ellie.
Terrorized:
48. INT. AL’S BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al discovers Barbara’s luggage is missing. The car is gone. Barbara left them. He calls, but there’s no answer.
49. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al tells Ellie about Barbara and they argue. Ellie runs out the back door.
50. EXT. BEACH – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie finds Abby sitting on a driftwood log. They bond over Abby’s story of her dead mother’s lullaby. They are interrupted by Dr. Tillman. Ellie heads to bed. The Doc explains his reasoning for keeping his secret. He suggests a radical experiment using the “God Helmet” to stimulate Abby’s pineal gland and awaken her dormant 3rd eye. If they can tune to the same Resonance as the poltergeist agent, they can learn from it. Maybe even stop it.
51. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby sits in a chair, wearing a garage made helmet, wired with electrodes and sensors. Wires run to a variety of monitoring equipment. The experiment gives Abby a vision.
52. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Dr. Tillman brings Abby out of the trance.
53. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby reveals her vision: Dead woman, steel box, an iron door and the ornate key. The Old Man Reveals to Al and the group the story of his missing wife and her lover. A man, he thinks was a serial killer. The Key reminds Al of his fondest memory; making a time capsule (the steel box) with his father after his mom left. They filled it with her favorite items as a way to grieve and buried it inside a cave on Haystack rock. The items that materialized out of thin air were his mom’s items. If the apported items are not in the time capsule, then what is? Al discovers her wedding ring is missing. Abby theorizes that the mother is trying to make contact. Maybe she’s attached to that ring and can’t rest until she’s reunited with it. Dr. Tillman think’s that’s nonsense. He thinks this is all emanating from Ellie.
54. INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al opens the safe and pulls the out the key sitting on top of a file of newspaper clippings. Abby, Noelle, Tommy and Al head out to Haystack Rock. Dr. Tillman stays with Jerry.
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death:
55. EXT. BEACH – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The investigators hike towards Haystack rock, which land locked due to the low tide. Each carrying a shovel.
56. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
Dr. Tillman explains to Jerry the psychic talent of Psychometry; the ability to discover facts about an event or person, simply by touching an item associated with them. Dr. Tillman wants to try it with the newspaper articles about missing woman.
57. INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Horror Situation: Ellie wakes to the sound of pitter patter of tiny feet on the hardwood floor.
Panic: Ellie wakes to the sound of small feet on the wood floor.
Release: Ellie searches the room with a flashlight. All clear.
Fear: Another loud noise.
Shock: The dolls have moved.
Panic: Ellie hides under the blankets
Suspense: Ellie slowly peaks out from under the blankets and shines her flashlight.
Horror: All of the dolls have disappeared!
Panic: Ellie’s flashlight dies.
Shock: She tries to run, but tiny hands trip her from under the bed.
Monster Reveal: The Porcelain Lady, hiding in the shadows.
Horror: The dolls are attacking Ellie, dragging her under the bed.
Hysteria: Ellie fights for her life.
Panic: Dr. Tillman bursts into the room and pulls Ellie to safety
Horror: The Porcelain Lady chases them out the door.
58. EXT. BEACH – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
The investigators make their way carefully through the tide pools of Haystack Rock. Al leads the way to a cave. A sign reads No Trespassing/Unlawful to Enter CITY CODE. They head inside.
59. INT. CAVE – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT –
Al says this is the spot. They begin to dig.
Hysteria:
60. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
The entire house is a paranormal storm of activity. Ellie and Dr. Tillman duck and dodge flying objects. Ellie wants to get her grandpa to safety. Dr. Tillman eyes go wide as he touches Jerry’s hand. The Doc is flung hard against the wall. Blood pours from his head. Before he passes out, he sees Ellie pulling her grandfather into a wheelchair.
The thrilling escape from death:
61. INT. HALLWAY – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie pushes Jerry down the hallway towards the living room. The house rumbles, picture frames explode and glass showers down on them. Spirits come from all directions and funnel them into the office.
62. INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie slams the door and leans against it. Jerry reveals he knows of a safe place to hide.
63. INT. CAVE – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
The investigators find the buried time capsule.
64. INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Horror Situation: Jerry opens a hidden passage to a staircase with a stairlift.
Shock: Ellie is shocked when Jerry opens a secret door.
Panic: She straps Jerry into the stairlift and activates it.
Scare: The office door explodes open.
Suspense: The stairlift slowly descends as the ghosts pursue.
Panic: They’re getting close
Dread: Ellie opens a huge iron door and looks into the dark abyss.
Panic: Ellie drags Jerry into the dark room.
Shock: The iron door slams shut and the bookcase door resets.
65. INT. CAVE – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
The steel box finally gives and the lid is pops open. Al opens it to reveal the dismembered bones of his missing mother. Her wedding ring still on her hand. Al has a full-on emotional breakdown. Abby senses it – “Ellie’s in danger!”
66. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby and the crew discover Dr. Tillman. He reveals that Jerry is the poltergeist agent.
67. INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The house looks like a bomb went off. The God Helmet is destroyed. Noelle – “Maybe you don’t need it?” Ellie focuses. The world falls away. It’s just her and the house. The spirits reveal themselves in human form. They point the way.
68. INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby sees the ghost of her mom, who sings the same lullaby from her flashbacks. It clues her into what book to pull to open the secret door. She’s been getting this clue all her life!
69. INT. KILL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
Abby and Al discover Jerry’s private kill room. The Hospice Nurse and Barbara’s bodies are discovered. A scream leads them to another room.
A scream from the rear of the dark room. Abby and Al push through plastic hanging from the ceiling to discover Jerry, sitting on an old bloody sofa, holding a knife to Ellie’s throat. Abby negotiates the situation. Jerry makes to slit Ellie’s throat, but Abby screams, “No!” The knife flies out of Jerry’s hand and embeds in the wall. Ellie shoves the weak old man off and runs to her father. Jerry lay’s crying on the sofa.
Death returns to take one or more:
70. INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Jerry has been returned to his bed. He’s too weak to move. Al sits quietly at his bedside. As the morning sun rises, Jerry confesses to the murder of Al’s mother. Al picks up a pillow and places it over his father’s face. The last thing Jerry sees is his dead wife holding the pillow, surrounded by all of his victims.
Horror Situation: The death of a serial killer.
Anguish: Al picks ups a pillow.
Fear: Jerry realizes it’s the moment of his death.
Horror: Jerry is proud that Al is going to kill him.
Horror: The last thing Jerry sees is his dead wife holding the pillow, surrounded by all of his victims.
Shock: Al can’t believe what he’s done.
Resolution
71. EXT. MOBILE LAB – MORNING
Cannon Beach Sheriff’s Department work the crime Scene. Bodies are bagged by the coroner. Al and Ellie are traumatized. The investigators wonder where to go from here. This case changes everything.
72. INT. BARN LABORATORY – DAY
6 months later – The team has set up a makeshift lab in a barn.
Dr. Tillman wants to introduce the newest member of the team. It’s Ellie Scheckla. Her father inherited a fortune and has saw fit to fund the teams research, as long as Ellie can learn. Good thing, because Abby just got an email lead. On to the next case.
-
ROB’S SCARY-AS-HELL SCENE
What I learned: I learned that sequencing your emotions can take the audience on an emotional roller coaster in every scene.
Emotional Range: Dread to Hysteria
Between Emotions: Apprehension, Surprise and Shock
Physical Representation of each emotion
Dread: The Nurse is pulled away from her homework by the Old Man’s bell.
Surprise/Scare: The nurse finds the back door open and sandy feet print heading towards the closet.
Apprehension: The Nurse is apprehensive about checking the closet
Release: The closet is empty.
Surprise: A woman can be heard crying under the bed.
Release: Under the bed is clear.
Shock: The nurse looks into the face of a decomposed woman.
Hysteria: The Nurse abandons the Old Man and flees. Only to be taken.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Carole rushes into the bedroom to find Jerry tangled in his bed sheets, thrashing wildly and screaming. His heart rate monitor beeps rapidly. Carole rushes to his aid.
CAROLE
Jerry. Calm down. Jerry!Jerry fights her.
JERRY
Lemme go! Let. Me. Go!Jerry looks up at her face and begins to calm. The heart rate monitor begins to descend.
JERRY
Oh…oh, it’s…it’s you! Someone…Someone’s in the room!Carole smooths the bed sheets over Jerry and smiles reassuringly. She sits on the edge of his bed.
CAROLE
Jerry. There’s no one here. Just you and me.JERRY
But I saw someone–CAROLE
–Jerry, we talked about this. You’re dying. It’s very common for terminal patients to see relatives or loved ones who have crossed over. They’re here to guide you.Jerry shakes his head “no.”
JERRY
Then who opened the back door?Jerry points to the OPEN FRENCH DOORS leading to the beach.
Shocked, Carole stands up. She quickly regains her composure.
CAROLE
What did I tell you about getting out of bed unassisted? You’re gonna hurt yourself, Jerry.Carole walks across the room to shut the back door, but stops dead in her tracks. Her eye’s filled with SHOCK.
SANDY FEET PRINT stretch from the open doorway and disappear under the closet door.
CAROLE
You been taking walks on the beach, Jerry?Carole throws back the blankets at the foot of the bed and reveals Jerry’s CLEAN FEET. No sign of sand, anywhere.
JERRY
(whispers)
It’s in the closet.CAROLE
C’mon, Jerry. Aint you a little old to be scared of monsters?Jerry raises a bony finger and points to the closet.
JERRY
I said check it.CAROLE
Don’t get snippy with me. I’ve got homework to do, Jerry. I don’t have time for this.Carole approaches the closet. She places a hand on the door knob, then she hears the sound of A CRYING WOMAN from within.
CAROLE
What the…She throws open the closet door. NOTHING THERE except the outdated clothes of an old man.
CAROLE
Jesus, Jerry! These shirts are horrendous!JERRY
Now the bed. Check under the bed!Carole walks to the edge of the bed and kneels down.
CAROLE
Do we have to go through this every night?JERRY
They won’t let me die…The CRYING returns, but now it’s under the bed.
Carole slowly bends down and lifts the bed skirt.
Carole’s POV: The underside of the bed is clear of all but cobwebs and dust.
JERRY (O.C.)
(whispers)
Oh my God. Please…leave me alone.Carole raises up and looks straight into the face of a DECOMPOSED WOMAN, laying next to Jerry.
DECOMPOSED WOMAN
Get out!Carole SCREAMS bloody murder.
CUT TO:
-
ROB’S SCARES, RELEASES AND CREEPY MOMENTS
What I learned: I learned that scares, releases and creepy moments really help to intensify your scenes. I had fun playing around with this lesson. It’s so much fun to set up these characters only to traumatize them.
SETUP: After a traumatizing experiment with her dying grandfather, Ellie tries to get some rest. The spirits have other plans.
INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie sleeps as the eyes of 100 dolls watch in the darkness.
The sound of pitter pattering feet across the hardwood floor, wakes Ellie. She turns on a flash light and scans the room. The dolls haven’t moved.
Ellie CLICKS off the flashlight and rolls over. She shuts her eyes and pulls up her blankets as a floorboard CREAKS behind her.
She SNAPS on the flashlight and points it straight into the FACE of her father. Ellie SCREAMS.
ELLIE
Holy shit! Jesus! Can’t you knock?AL
Sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I’m leaving with Abby and the crew. Dr. Tillman is staying with grandpa.ELLIE
Everything okay?AL
Yeah. No…We’re just doing some experiment thing. I don’t know…Al hesitates to leave.
ELLIE
Something on your mind, pops?AL
Just…I guess…Our family has never been good at…communication.ELLIE
Oh, really?Al laughs.
AL
I just wanted you to know that I love you. And I’m proud of you.His sincerity makes her uncomfortable.
ELLIE
Geez, Dad. I know. I’m tired. Let’s talk tomorrow?AL
Okay, kid. Okay.Al exits the room as Ellie settles back into bed. She closes her eyes. With a deep sigh, she relaxes.
After a long SILENCE, the sound of movement in the darkness. Louder than before.
Started, Ellie swings her flashlight towards the source. THE DOLLS HAVE MOVED. A few still shake as they settle in to place.
ELLIE
Dad?!No one else is with her.
Ellie pulls her blanket over her head. Her flashlight illuminates her face as her breath becomes visible. It’s getting colder.
ELLIE
It’s not real. It’s not real. Just breathe.Ellie peaks out from under her blanket and shines her flashlight towards the shelves. The dolls have completely VANISHED.
Ellie SCREAMS.
From below the bed, the sound of SCRATCHING.
Ellie is shaking now. Slowly, she leans over the edge of the bed. Peeking carefully. Her flashlight BLINKS out, just as she sees a doll leg scurry underneath the bed.
ELLIE
Fuck that!Ellie throws back the covers. Her foot touches floor and she prepares to run, but tiny hands reach out and trip her. Ellie falls.
The dolls are on her in an instant Ripping and pulling. Dragging Ellie under the bed.
ELLIE
Somebody, help me!THE DOLL LADY (O.C.)
Shhhhh.Something is in the room. Watching from the darkest corner.
As Ellie pulls with all her might, a doll smacks the flashlight out of her hand. The flashlight turns back ON as it spins across the floor, illuminating The Doll Lady hiding in the corner.
The Doll Lady’s body is embedded with jagged porcelain pieces. Her face a gory porcelain mask.
Ellie loses her mind, fighting, clawing and kicking. She SCREAMS for her life.
ELLIE
Get off! Get off! Get off me!Dr. Tillman BURSTS in the room and grabs Ellie by the hands. He pulls with everything he has.
DR. TILLMAN
Let her go!Ellie pulls free.
DR. TILLMAN
Go! Go! Run!Ellie runs for the door, with Dr. Tillman close behind.
The Doll Lady flies towards them!
THE DOLL LADY
Don’t let her go!The bedroom door SLAMS.
CUT TO:
-
ROB’S LEVEL 3 HORROR EMOTION SCENE
What I learned: I learned that Anguish, Horror, Panic and Hysteria are Level 3 Horror Emotions. They are typically emotions experienced in the 3rd act and are the most powerful of the emotions.
This scene is the climax of the 3rd act, where’ Al discovers that his dying father is a serial killer. Al and Abby are searching for Ellie, who went missing with Jerry.
INT. BASEMENT KILL ROOM – NIGHT
Abby and Al stand in the open doorway, staring into the black abyss of the mystery room. The stairs to safety stretch upwards behind them.
AL
I…I Had no idea this room even existed.
(calls)
Ellie?There’s no answer. Abby closes her eyes and reaches out with her senses.
ABBY
She’s in there. Come on, look for a light switch.Abby steps inside. Al follows, feeling around for a light switch.
AL
Found one.CLICK. Nothing happens.
The iron door SLAMS shut and ECHOES through the room. It’s now PITCH BLACK. Al panics.
AL
Oh my God! Abby?! Abby!A hand touches Al’s shoulder in the dark.
ABBY
I’m here, next to you.AL
Jesus! What is that smell?Abby CLICKS on her flashlight. She sweeps the beam of light across the room to reveal Jerry Scheckla’s Kill Room.
The walls are covered in opaque plastic sheeting, splattered with blood and gore. Shelves line the walls with apothecary jars filled with eyeballs, fingers and human teeth. God knows what else.
AL
Wha…What the fuck? How could this…Abby shines her light on an old workbench. Tools of torture hang from hooks above it.
Al is overwhelmed with anguish. Tears flood his eyes as he steps backwards. He trips over some luggage and falls to the ground.
The luggage tag reads: Barbara Scheckla.
AL
Barbara! Barbara?!Al unzips a suitcase. It’s full of BLOOD and GUTS.
ON AL’S FACE as PANIC and rage burn in his eyes. Al breaks down.
AL
Barbara! No! No, God! Why?!Abby kneels down to console Al, but he brushes her off and heads for the iron exit door.
AL
Leave me alone!A SCREAM from behind the plastic stops him cold.
AL
Ellie!?Abby swings the flashlight towards the sound. Something is behind the plastic.
ABBY
(points)
There!Al rips the plastic away in a frenzy, revealing a wood paneled door.
INT. TROPHY ROOM – BASEMENT KILL ROOM – NIGHT
Abby and Al enter Jerry’s most private sanctuary.
The room is lit by candles that eerily illuminate trophies of murder victims that line the wall. Female heads, arms, legs, torsos, all expertly stuffed with the precision of a taxidermist.
The bodies of the Hospice Nurse and Barbara sit opposite each other in chairs made of human bones.
At the end of the room, presiding over all this madness, sits a wheezing Jerry Scheckla on an old bloody couch. One hand holds an oxygen mask to his face. The other arm is wrapped around Ellie, holding a knife to her throat.
Ellie’s eyes are filled with HORROR.
AL
Ellie!Al’s eyes shift to the knife at her throat. His heart drops as rage bubbles to the surface.
AL
I’ll kill you!Al moves forward, but stops as Jerry presses the knife harder. A pinpoint of blood drips down Ellie’s neck.
JERRY
Don’t take another step, boy, or I’ll cut ‘er deep. Show ya what the black stuff looks like.ELLIE
crying)
Dad!Jerry pulls her close.
JERRY
Shhh. There, there. He’s gonna listen. He always listened. Didn’t ya, boy?AL
Fuck you!Al, takes another step. Abby puts a hand on his shoulder and stops him.
ABBY
Jerry. You don’t want this. Look at Ellie. Look at how scared she is.Jerry looks. For a moment, his face shows regret.
JERRY
They were all scared.Abby takes another step forward. Jerry’s face flashes anger.
A low TREMOR begins to shake the room.
JERRY
(angry)
They deserved it! Every single one of them whores!ABBY
Does Ellie deserve it, Jerry? She’s your granddaughter. Your blood.AL
Dad, let her go.Jerry takes a long breath off his oxygen mask. The tremor explodes into a RUMBLE.
JERRY
I told ya. Don’t open that fuckin’ capsule till I died! But you couldn’t wait. Could ya?ABBY
Jerry, you don’t want to do this. You want to be stopped! Don’t you see?JERRY
I didn’t want ya to find out this way, boy.ABBY
You manifested all of this. Every ghost. Every attack. All the paranormal activity is your guilty conscious begging you to stop.Tears in Jerry’s eyes, tell Abby she’s on to something.
ABBY
That’s right. Think about it. You’re punishing yourself, Jerry. Don’t punish Ellie too.The room is a paranormal storm of energy. Items fall and break. A large CRACK rips through the wall behind Jerry.
Jerry is in distress, fighting against his evil nature.
JERRY
I…Can’t…Jerry’s Trophies rattle and shake.
JERRY
I…Trophies fly from all directions, shattering upon contact.
JERRY
Want…The candles blow out, bathing the room in darkness. Abby points her flashlight straight at Jerry.
JERRY
One more kill!Jerry raises the knife above Ellie and prepares to strike.
ELLIE
Grandpa! No!The last glint of kill-lust twinkles in Jerry’s eyes.
ABBY
(screams)
STOP!A wave of psionic energy bursts from Abby. The concussion takes Jerry by surprise. The knife is ripped by Jerry’s hand, flies across the room and embeds in the wall.
Ellie shoves Jerry off and runs to her father.
Jerry crumples. Too weak to manifest paranormal activity.
ELLIE
Dad. I thought he was…He said he was…AL
Shhh. I got you now. I got you.Abby looks at her hands.
ABBY
How did I…Jerry’s breath is slow and loud like a death rattle.
ABBY
He doesn’t have long.ON JERRY’S EYES as he stares up to the ceiling. Death is coming for him.
CUT TO:
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ROB’S LEVEL 2 HORROR EMOTION SCENE
What I learned: I learned that fear, suspense and dread are level 2 horror emotions and generally show up in act 2 of your screenplay. They serve as a stair step to more drastic emotions in act 3.
This scene takes just after Act 2 kicks off. The Investigators are conducting their first paranormal experiment, in the bedroom of a man dying of terminal cancer.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby and Noelle prepare for an EVP session. One last equipment check before they start. A polaroid camera hangs from Noelle’s neck.
Al sits in a chair next to Jerry’s bed. Jerry’s weak and confused as he points a boney finger at the investigators.
JERRY
Huh? Wha’s this now? Who are they?AL
Shhh. These people are here to help us, pops. Remember? They’re just going to run some tests.JERRY
Some tests?AL
I’ll be right here.With a shaking hand, Noelle tucks her hair behind an ear.
ABBY
Scared?NOELLE
A little. Usually, you and Doc run point. I don’t want to mess up.ABBY
Just follow my lead and don’t forget to breathe. Okay?Noelle nods.
ABBY
Remember, anything can happen. Stay calm. Stay professional. Whatever you do.
(whispers)
Don’t scream in front of the Scheckla’s.NOELLE
(whispers)
Right. Don’t scream.Abby pulls a walkie talkie from her pocket.
ABBY
(into radio)
Lost Sheep to Bo Peep. Got your ears on? Over.There’s a CRACKLE on the walkie.
TOMMY (O.C.)
(on radio)
Bo Peep is a go. Over.ABBY
(into radio)
We’re ready to start. Over.INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT
Tommy checks the bank of monitors.
TOMMY
(into radio)
Roger that. All systems are nominal. Mission is a go. Over.INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby smiles and turns her attention to Al and Jerry.
ABBY
Okay, Let’s get started, shall we?Abby presses record on an Audio Recorder and sits in a chair next to Noelle.
ABBY
EVP Session with Abby Tillman and Noelle Johnson. In the master bedroom of the Scheckla residence. June eleventh, Twenty twenty-one. The time is currently ten thirty-four pm. In the witness of Jerry and Al Scheckla.Abby looks to the space above the room.
ABBY
Is there anyone here who wishes to speak to us?There’s a long moment. You could hear a pin drop.
ABBY
What is your name?FLASH. Noelle takes a polaroid and stuffs it in a pocket.
NOELLE
How old are you?Al stares at the ceiling, ready for anything. Sweat forms on Jerry’s brow.
ABBY
Give us a sign of your presence––BOOM. BOOM. BOOM, from beneath the floor boards.
Abby and Noelle are startled, but keep their composure.
Jerry lays back and closes his eyes. His breath comes fast and labored.
JERRY
Make ’em stop.Al pulls a blanket up and comforts his father.
ABBY
Make a note, that was not us pounding.
(into radio)
Tommy, did you record that?TOMMY (O.C.)
(on radio)
We got it, boss.FLASH. Noelle takes another polaroid.
NOELLE
Why are you here?The floor boards CREAK like they are flexing upwards. Abby points to the floor.
NOELLE
What do you want?The back door slowly opens. The room is deathly silent. Noelle looks to Abby.
JERRY
Oh no. Please, God…no…Al dabs Jerry’s head with a cool wash cloth.
ABBY
Do you enjoy hurting Jerry? Do you enjoy hurting this family?!The lights of the room flicker wildly, then cut out. Noelle reaches for a flashlight, but Abby stops her.
ABBY
Look!From the doorway, a green ball of light manifests and shoots across the ceiling. Followed by another. Then another.
Noelle snaps of a series of Polaroids.
Abby and Noelle stare up in wonder as the room fills with glowing orbs of energy.
ABBY
Are you seeing this!?Noelle is stunned.
NOELLE
It’s beautiful.AL
What is it?!Jerry stares up from his bed. Terrified. A tear falls down his cheek.
The orbs dissipate into a mist that hovers above Jerry’s bed.
FLASH. Noelle snaps a photo.
The mist begins to spark and pop. Blue electricity arcs like a tiny lightning storm.
INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT
Tommy checks the electromagnetometer readings.
TOMMY
(into walkie)
Uh, Abby? EMF readings are insane!INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Jerry reaches out with a shaking hand, to make contact with the mist above him. Electricity SNAPS though the air and connects with his fingers. Jerry screams.
Blue electricity courses over Jerry’s body and he writhes in agony.
Al throws himself on his father, but is flung backwards by an unseen force. He hits the floor hard.
Ellie storms into the room.
ELLIE
(screams)
Stop hurting my grandpa! Please, stop!The mist explodes in a shower of electric sparks. The group shields their eyes from the sudden brightness.
For a moment, the room is calm. Ellie runs to her father.
AL
Is it over?Abby shakes her head. She feels nothing. Before she can speak, there’s a soft tremor. It grows bigger and bigger until the entire house SHAKES like an earthquake. Then it stops.
The electrical equipment and lightbulbs all EXPLODE at once. The house loses power.
INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT
Tommy loses audio and video on the bank of monitors.
TOMMY
Holy shit! What the hell was that?
(into radio)
Abby? Noelle?There’s no response. Tommy panics.
TOMMY
I gotta go in there? I gotta go in there.He grabs a handheld camera and bolts out the door.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Tommy enters the house and runs down the hallway to the master bedroom. Barbara waits by the door.
BARBARA
Is everything okay? We heard an explosion…Tommy pushes through the door.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE
Tommy finds Al and Ellie attending to Jerry on the bed.
JERRY
(crying)
Please, just let me die.Abby and Noelle approach Tommy, shaking with excitement and eagerness.
NOELLE
(whispers)
Holy shit, ya’ll. Tell me you got that, Tommy?Tommy looks around at his smoking equipment.
TOMMY
Yeah. Up till the power surge. I’ve never seen anything like it.Abby shakes him with excitement.
ABBY
(whispers)
This is it, Tommy! This could make our careers!TOMMY
But at what cost?Abby, Noelle and Tommy look over to Jerry, who looks weak and frail. Tears stream down his cheeks.
CUT TO:
-
ROB’S LEVEL 1 HORROR EMOTIONS SCENE
What I learned: The introduction to evil is such an important scene. Currently I’m debating on two different scenes to open with.
INT. YOUNG ABBY’S BEDROOM – PAST – NIGHT
A streetlight spills on coloring books that are scattered across the dark bedroom floor. Outside a thunderstorm batters the window with RAIN.
The bedroom door opens on a pair of tiny feet. Lightning FLASHES outside the window, followed by a CLAP of thunder.
A child’s trembling hand reaches for the wall switch.
CLICK! The light reveals YOUNG ABBY TILLMAN, 5, big doe eyes and pigtails. She stands in the doorway, wearing pink footie pajamas. Her bedroom is a tornado of 80’s pop culture. Handmade art on the wall reads: ABBY’S ROOM.
Young Abby looks over her shoulder.
YOUNG ABBY
(calling)
Are you going to tuck me in?She listens intently, while peering down the dark hallway. She’s greeted only by silence.
Young Abby turns around, scanning the bedroom for danger. Her face is a mask of fear as she spots the open closet door.
YOUNG ABBY
I can do this. One…two…three!She bolts to the open closet door and slams it shut. Trembling, her eyes turn to the black void beneath her bed.
POV FROM UNDER BED as Young Abby kneels. She finds only a lone roller skate and a variety of discarded boardgames.
Relieved, Young Abby turns on a nightlight and grabs the small flashlight from her nightstand. She runs back to the light switch.
She’s startled by another FLASH of lightning.
Sensing the impending thunder clap, YOUNG ABBY swipes the light switch and runs towards the safety of her bed. The nightlight bathes the room in multi-color light.
YOUNG ABBY
One, one thousand…two, one thousand….three…She leaps into the air, landing flat on the bed and pulls the covers over her head. Thunder SHAKES the house fiercely.
Young Abby CLICKS the flashlight on, illuminating her face under the blankets. She begins to shiver and her breath forms into puffs of vapor.
The bed shifts and inner springs squeak as if someone has sat on the edge of the bed. Goosebumps form on Abby’s arm as a whispery voice begins to sing.
MOM (O.C.)
(singing)
Hush-a-bye, don’t you cry.
Go to sleep, my little baby.
When you wake, you shall have.
All the pretty little horses.Young Abby turns off the flashlight as an adult hand begins rubbing her back. She stifles a scream as another CLAP of thunder rumbles over the house.
MOM (O.C.)
(singing)
Blacks and bays, dapples and greys.
A coach and six little horses…The bedspread slowly pulls away from the scared and shivering young girl. Young Abby squeezes her eyes shut tight.
MOM (O.C.)
(singing)
Hush-a-bye, don’t you cry.Young Abby SNAPS on the flashlight and aims it towards the singing voice.
YOUNG ABBY
Mom?The flashlight beam falls on the face of NOELLE TILLMAN, 30s. Her head has been twisted backward and bloody tears fall from her recessed eyes. As she sings, black gore pours from the rotting hole that was her mouth.
MOM
(whisper singing)
Go to sleep, my little baby.The spirit smiles a wide black grin as the flashlight dies. Lightning FLASHES across the dead woman’s face, punctuated by an explosive ROAR of thunder.
Young Abby let’s out an ear shattering SCREAM, just as the bedroom door slams shut, splitting the wood.
CUT TO:
-
ROB’S HORROR OUTLINE – VERSION 1
What I learned: I keep learning new things about my story every lesson. This might have been the easiest outline I’ve written because I feel I knew these characters better than any story before. Still feel like I’m over writing.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
A Hospice Nurse wakes Jerry Scheckla, a terminally ill cancer patient, whose resting in his favorite chair that overlooks Haystack Rock and surrounding beach. Jerry, for a moment, thinks it’s his wife waking him up. It’s time for bed, but Jerry’s not ready. He bickers with the Nurse, but she puts him in his place.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – LATER
Jerry wakes, startled by a dream. As he lays in bed, we hear the sound of hospital equipment and a heart rate monitor. From outside his window, the sound of crashing waves. Then, from the darkness, a beautiful woman appears, walking straight towards his glass French doors. Jerry is confused, yet drawn to her beauty. The woman stops at the door and places a hand against the glass. Tears well up in Jerry’s eyes. He recognizes her. The door knob slowly turns and the door pushes open. But the lady has vanished.
The sound of bare feet on hardwood floor makes Jerry sit up. The heart rate monitor increases. He witnesses sandy feet print materialize in front of him. The blankets rustle at the foot of the bed as an invisible presence crawls up Jerry’s body. Jerry screams as the heart rate monitor alarm sounds.
INT. KITCHEN – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The Hospice Nurse hears the old man’s scream and drops what she’s doing. Grumbles about the need to get her homework done.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The Nurse finds Jerry tangled up and struggling with his bedsheets and the back door wide open. Jerry tells her that someone is in the room. The Nurse looks around, but no one is there. The floor no longer has feet print. “No one’s here, Jerry.” He demands that she check the closet. “Aren’t’ you a little old to be afraid of Monters?” She checks the closet; no one is there. She checks under the bed. Again, nothing is there. She lifts her head to talk to Jerry and comes face to face with a decomposed corpse of a woman. The corpse screams “Get out!” The Nurse flees, while praying to God for protection.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The nurse runs down the hallway towards the front door, when a side table moves on its own and trips her. The Nurse crashes flat on her stomach. For a moment, everything seems fine. From behind, the sound of a crying woman. The Nurse is dragged shockingly fast by an unseen force into the old man’s office. The door slams as she screams.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DUPLEX – NIGHT
Abby Tillman interviews a Single Mom and her two kids (Teenage Boy and Young Girl) about paranormal activity they are experiencing in their home. The Mom talks through an experience with loud banging noises.
INT. CRAWL SPACE – DUPLEX – NIGHT
Tommy McClees wiggles through a dirty crawlspace, covered in cobwebs. He discovers the old pipes are to blame for the banging noises.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DUPLEX – NIGHT
The Teenage Son explains how he always feels like he’s being watched in his room.
INT. BOY’S BEDROOM – DUPLEX – NIGHT
Noelle Johnson uses an EMF Detector to take readings of the Teenage Boy’s electronics setup. The Dual Monitors, PC Tower, gaming consoles and Flat screen TV put off a high amount of electromagnetism.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DUPLEX – NIGHT
The Young Girl experiences strange smells and hears voices that are “ugly,” in her bedroom.
INT. YOUNG GIRL’S BEDROOM – DUPLEX – NIGHT
Abby lays next to the Young Girl on her bed, staring at the ceiling. They bond over Abby’s advice on debunking the paranormal. Suddenly the room is filled with the sound of horror. Abby recognizes it as she presses an ear up against the bedroom wall. Then the smell hits her. She recognizes it instantly. It’s a horror movie. She opens the window and spots the neighbor teen smoking marijuana by the AC unit. The good news? The house isn’t haunted.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DUPLEX – MORNING
Tommy and Noelle pack up the investigation equipment as Abby explains their findings. The odd noises are debunked by the pipes. The feeling of being watched is due to high EMF in the house. Research suggests that our brains are susceptible to subtle changes in the surrounding electromagnetic fields that can induce both visual and auditory hallucinations. The smells and sounds are due to a neighbor that likes death metal and marijuana. The mom and her daughter are relieved. The son is annoyed. He wanted to get on Ghost Escape.
EXT. BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Al Scheckla arrives to his childhood home with his wife Barbara and his teenage daughter, Ellie. The front door is open. The Scheckla’s proceed cautiously.
INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Al steps in the front door and finds the house in complete disarray. Furniture is toppled, knickknacks and picture frames are scattered. It looks like a tornado went off. Ellie is creeped out by the large number of animal heads mounted to the wall. Barbara thinks they have a lot of work to do. (Cleaning.) Barbara discovers the jigsaw puzzle on a table by the window.
KITCHEN – The Nurse’s homework lays scattered on the kitchen floor. Dishes clutter the sink.
HALLWAY – Al makes his way down the hallway towards his father’s room. His childhood pictures line the hallway walls.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Al finds his father, alone and afraid, huddled in the corner of the room, shaking with fear. The back door off the master bedroom is wide open. Al learns that the Nurse abandoned the old man and gets angry. A tremor rocks the beach house and a picture frame flies across the room and shatters against the wall. It’s a photo of Al’s mother. The mystery woman in the opening scene. Al smell’s something awful. “Do you smell that?” The Old Man – “I shit myself, you asshole, of course I smell it.”
INT. LAUNDRY ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Barbara busies herself with washing the old man’s bed sheets.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Ellie enters, carrying luggage from the car. She wants to know where she’s sleeping. Barbara says she has two choices, the living room with the animal heads, or grandma’s old hobby room.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
The sound of a bathtub filling. Al carries his frail old father and carefully lowers him into a warm bathtub. He notices the bruising on the old man’s body. Did the nurse do that? Al sits on the toilet and calls Hospice Care.
INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Ellie enters the bedroom to discover over 100 porcelain dolls of various sizes sitting on floor to ceiling shelves. She throws her bag on the bed and takes a closer look. Barbara pokes her head in and wants to know if the rooms too creepy. Ellie says it’s fine. ‘They’re just dolls, mom. Better than animal heads” Barbara leaves her to unpack.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Al fights with Hospice Care on the phone. Al learns that the hospice nurse has not come home and that the hospice care won’t send any more nurses. They all refuse to work there based on “experiences.”
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Barbara finishes picking up the living room. Everything has been returned to its rightful place. She finds an old family album and sits down to look at it.
INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Ellie witnesses a luminous ball of light, dancing and flittering through the air. She begins to follow it.
INT. HALLWAY – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
The light makes it way down the hallway, bouncing off pictures. The light disappears into the old man’s office. The door is slightly cracked.
INT. OFFICE ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Ellie slowly pushes the door open to reveal a perfectly normal office. The desk is cluttered with old paperwork. The walls are adorned with coastal art and animal trophies. The main feature is a floor to ceiling bookshelf that takes up an entire wall. Ellie watches as the luminous light anomaly disappears into a safe. The door pops open. Curious, Ellie looks inside.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Al screams that he’ll just take care of his father himself. The Hospice Care warns that the old man’s condition is critical and that he should be in a hospital. The old man refuses to leave. Jerry’s living will strictly forbids it. He wants to die in his home. Al hangs up. He needs to speak with Barbara.
INT. OFFICE ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
She pulls out a stack of photos revealing various woman in assorted stages of undress. The photo’s get kinkier and more hardcore bdsm as she flips through them. Grossed out, she shoves the photos back in the safe and locks it. “Jesus, grandpa. What are you in to?” Further searching Ellie is started by her father. “What are you doing in here?”
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Al breaks the news that they’ll need to take care of grandpa. How much time does he have? Not long. He could go at any time. Grandpa’s number one rule: Stay out of his office.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Jerry relaxes in the bath, lost in memories. The temperature is dropping and we can see Jerry’s breath in shallow puffs. He closes his eyes as a female’s hands caress his wet hair with shampoo. It’s comforting. A voice says, “Rinse.” Shivering with cold, Jerry slides his face and body under water, only for the surface water to instantly freeze. Jerry is trapped under the ice. Jerry screams under water and pounds the ice. But he’s too weak to break through. There’s something under the ice, holding him down. Jerry struggles against it.
Al enters and sees the ice layer. Frantically he pounds the ice with his fist. It’s too thick. He rips the towel holder off the wall and smashes the ice. Finally, it breaks and he pulls his father free from the tub. There they lay, in a pile of ice and water. Barbara and Ellie rush in. Grandpa is turning blue. Get a blanket!
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Ellie finds the bed empty. The sheets are in the wash. Barbara remembers a blanket on the couch in the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Barbara runs into the living room to find that it’s been completely wrecked, again. Ellie stops behind her. Barbara asks if it’s a joke. The photo album is gone, replaced by an old box. Inside is Al’s childhood View Master collection. Barbara grabs the blanket and runs.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Now that the old man is resting comfortably in his room, the Scheckla family convene for a talk. They discuss the living room mess, the light anomaly and the ice tub. The ladies are frightened. Al assures them that the house is safe. He knows because he grew up there. They’re startled as a bird smashes hard against the living room window. Blood drips down as the bird falls to the ground. Al – That was not a ghost. Ellie – I know there’s no such thing as monsters.
INT. PARAPSYCHOLOGY LAB – OREGON UNIVERSITY – DAY
Noelle help’s Tommy as he’s working on a piece of equipment. They eavesdrop on an argument between Dr. Daniel Tillman and a University Official. Abby arrives and hears the commotion. The Doc is getting heated. The lab has lost its funding and must close immediately. All equipment is University owned and must be surrendered at once. The Doc is furious. The Doc decides it’s time to retire. He tells happy she should stop chasing ghosts or she’ll end up like him, “Unpublished and a laughing stock in the scientific community.”
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Barbara works the jigsaw puzzle, as Al rests on the couch.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie spends time with her grandfather. She loads a view master slide into the viewer and clicks through each slide. Then holds it up to grandpa’s face so he can see. The first slide is a majestic outdoor scene. But with each click, the slides reveal a different woman in various states of decomposition. The old man panics. The final slide is of the old man’s missing wife. The view master is pulled out of Ellie’s hand and breaks against the wall. The air cools and a pungent smell hits Ellie’s nose. Suddenly the old man is punched hard in the face by an invisible fist and his body convulses like he’s being shaken. Ellie breaks down sobbing and screams for help. Al and Barbara rush in. Al is speechless. He jumps on the bed but can’t hold Jerry down. Barbara pulls Ellie away for protection, as Ellie records the attack on her cell phone. It stops just as sudden as it starts. Jerry just wants to die.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie and Barbara discuss their need for help. They scour the internet and find Dr. Tillman’s name.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al and Jerry talk. “I want to talk about Mom.” Al opens up about his marital problems.
INT. OFFICE – PARAPSYCHOLOGY LAB – MORNING
Abby receives an email from Barbara with some astonishing footage from the Scheckla house. She tries to convince her grandfather to investigate. The Professor declines.
INT. PARAPSYCHOLOGY LAB – MORNING
Abby fills Noelle and Tommy in on the Scheckla’s situation. She refuses to quit like her grandfather. (The Doc) She shows them the video footage of the paranormal attack. Noelle thinks it could’ve been faked. Tommy thinks it could be a reaction to the natural end-of-life experience. Abby counters – “They’re people in need of help.” She’s going with or without them. They all agree to one last investigation. They load up the Mobile Lab (modified RV) with the equipment they’ll need and head to the coast.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Investigation Day 1 – Tommy and Noelle load in equipment, while Abby interviews the Scheckla family. Questions about background, medical history, psychological background, medications and family dynamic. We learn that Al’s mother left the family in 1995 and never kept in contact. Al gives the investigators a tour of the house.
KITCHEN – DAY
Nothing out of the ordinary. Tommy takes EMF measurements, while Noelle takes temperature readings.
INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE DAY
EMF Detector goes berserk, though nothing seems out of the ordinary. Abby feels extremely cold and wants equipment set up here. Noelle finds a cold spot by the bookshelf.
INT. AL’S BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Al’s childhood bedroom hasn’t changed since he moved out. EMF continues to register high. Abby feels nothing. Al and Barbara haven’t experienced anything in this room. The luggage is stacked in the corner.
INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
The investigators think this is the creepiest room in the house. EMF is off the charts.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Abby meets Jerry, who’s a bit grumpy about the strangers in his house. Ellie tells him to be nice. This is where most of the disturbances happen. Tommy and Noelle begin setting up cameras and equipment, while Abby talks with Jerry.
INT. LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN/OFFICE/DOLL ROOM/MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
Abby and Noelle walk the house, recording an EVP session and taking polaroid pictures. “We are speaking to the entity in this house. Give us a sign of your presence.” Tommy monitors cameras and equipment readings from the mobile lab.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The EVP session continues, while Noelle snaps photos. They experience their first visual evidence of the paranormal as luminous balls of light shoot across the room. The light turns to arcs of electricity that pop and snap like lightening. The electricity attacks Jerry, who writhes in pain. Noelle’s first instinct is to run, but Abby stops her and tells her to take photos. The electricity attack knocks out the house’s power. When it stops, the old man begs for mercy.
INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT
Abby is shaking with excitement and is eager to study the evidence. This could be their big break. Tommy talks himself out of what he saw. He thinks they got enough evidence and should leave. Abby and Noelle both agree, there’s no way they’re leaving.
INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT – LATER
Tommy and Noelle review the recorded EVP session for evidence. Tommy finds a clue, “We are waiting.” Noelle says, “Add it to the bunch.” Abby reviews the polaroid photos. One of them shows the silhouette of a human shape in electricity. This is the best evidence they’ve ever captured. This could make their careers.
INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT – LATER
Tommy and Abby are getting some sleep, while Noelle keeps an eye on the cameras. On the monitor, Jerry sleeps soundly. There’s a tap on the RV door. Noelle opens the door and sees a ball of light disappear into the open front door of the house. A voice calls to her.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Noelle is lured into the house, following the ball of light and voice. It leads her to the jigsaw puzzle. The puzzle is nearly complete, only the center is missing. There doesn’t seem to be enough pieces left. Noelle is attacked by The Jigsaw Lady (a woman whose skin has been carved out in the shape of jigsaw pieces. Noelle attempts to flee but is forcibly dragged back. She’s hung by the neck by an invisible wire and forced to look at the incomplete puzzle. She fights for her life.
INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – NIGHT
Noelle’s screaming on the monitor wakes Abby and Tommy.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Jerry suffers another attack and begins coughing and choking. Al wakes, sitting in a chair at his father’s bedside. Jerry coughs up a number of bloody jigsaw puzzle pieces. Ellie comes in to check. Al sends her to get Abby and the crew.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby and Tommy burst into the house as Ellie arrives to the living room. They try to help Noelle but are powerless to stop it. The house shakes violently, then it’s over. Noelle slumps to ground, gasping for breath. Abby feels something evil.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Dr. Tillman arrives unannounced, having sensed his team is in danger. He feels the “resonance” immediately. Like being trapped at the deep end of the pool. He checks on Noelle’s bruised neck. The lesson? Tommy – “Always stick together, there’s strength in numbers.” Dr. Tillman’s background is explained. Al’s willing to do anything the Doctor says.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Dr. Tillman meets Ellie and Jerry. After a moment of bonding with Ellie, Dr. Tillman agrees to look at the evidence collected.
INT. AL’S BEDROOM – BEACH HOUE – MORNING
Barbara pulls Al and Ellie aside and wants to leave. She wants to take Ellie and go. Ellie refuses to leave her grandfather. It’s tense.
INT. MOBILE LAB – RV – DAY
Abby, Noelle and Tommy proudly show the evidence they collected. The EMF readings are astounding at the times of the paranormal activity. The time it happens is connected to low tide. The Doc has never seen this before. The Doc reviews the polaroid evidence that shows the silhouette of 5 entities. Doc – “Perceptual Expectancy. You’re seeing what you what to see. Are we documenting the end-of-life experience? The Doc reviews the recorded EVP’s. Separate they seem like intelligent responses to questions. When edited together, they create a chilling message: “Trapped. We are waiting. First, he suffers, then he dies. Kill them all.” The Doc is not impressed. “This is auditory pareidolia. We’re scientists, not plumbers by day ghost hunters by night. Do better.”
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – DAY
Abby and Noelle show Dr. Tillman the jigsaw puzzle. The pieces Jerry coughed up formed the center, revealing Haystack Rock. The Doc looks through the window and sees the real thing. Haystack Rock, low tide…Dr. Tillman is curious.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Low Tide approaches and the investigators set up for an experiment. There’s still no power, so they use flashlights and candles. No EVP, no gadgets…The Doc just wants them to use their senses. Right on cue at low tide, it starts. The back door of the master bedroom opens. Anything with a battery is drained of power. Candles blow out. It’s pitch dark. The luminous balls of light return, shooting across the bedroom and disappear into the wall above Jerry’s bed. A full torso apparition of a decomposed woman forms at the foot of Jerry’s bed and then dissipates into mist. The room shakes. The bed sheets are ripped off of Jerry. He’s levitated out of bed and punched and slapped over and over. Objects from the room are thrown at the old man. Al and Ellie try to pull him down, but they are thrown backwards. Electricity snaps and pops in the air. Objects fall out of the mist and hit the floor. (Jewelry, child’s drawing and a family photo.) Al recognizes the objects, but says nothing. Barbara screams – “Leave us alone!” Al and Ellie pull Jerry out of the air, being pelted by objects. They cover him on the ground. Tommy pulls out his cross necklace and begins to pray. The Doc tells him to put it away. No time for superstition. Barbara runs out of the room.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Barbara is overwhelmed and stands crying in the hallway. She hears crying behind her and turns around to see the upper torso of a male corpse crawling towards her from the office.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The phenomenon suddenly stops. Al and Ellie fight back tears and console Jerry. The Doc is reinvigorated and is excited to review the evidence again.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
After reviewing the recorded evidence, Dr. Tillman reveals his theory. “I’ve seen this before.” The house is not haunted, we are experiencing a Poltergeist. He explains the term (RSPK) Recurrent Spontaneous Psychokinesis and the meaning of a Poltergeist agent. Someone in this house is manifesting this phenomenon with psychokinesis. This house is located in an electromagnetically anomalous environment and may be amplifying the experience. Usually, the poltergeist agent tends to be a young adolescent, going through an emotional turmoil. Abby’s backstory Abby’s backstory and the death of her mom is explained and how it ties together with what’s happening now. It will stop on its own. Hypnosis may help.
INT. ABBY’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM – FLASHBACK – NIGHT
Young Abby has a psychic tantrum and accidently kills her mother.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby is shocked. The doc had been keeping this from her. “I did not kill my mother with psychokinesis” Abby argues with her grandfather, then storms off. Al leaves to check on Barbara and Ellie.
INT. AL’S BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al discovers Barbara’s luggage is missing. The car is gone. Barbara left them.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al tells Ellie about Barbara and they argue. Jerry pretends to sleep. Ellie runs out the back door.
EXT. BEACH – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie finds Abby sitting on a driftwood log. They bond over Abby’s story of seeing her dead mother as a child. They are interrupted by Dr. Tillman. Ellie heads to bed. The Doc explains himself. He wanted to shield her from the pain. Abby was the most powerful psychic he had ever encountered. But after the accident, Abby always subconsciously repressed her natural psychic ability. He suggests a radical experiment using the “God Helmet” to stimulate Abby’s pineal gland and awaken her dormant 3rd eye. If they can tune to the same Resonance as the poltergeist agent, they learn from it. Maybe even stop it. The geomagnetic anomaly may help boost the signal. “I couldn’t help you then, but we can help Ellie now. Together.”
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby sits in a chair, wearing a garage made helmet, wired with electrodes and sensors. Wires run to a variety of monitoring equipment. She feels stupid. The Doc guides her through a hypnosis session until Abby’s vision takes over.
INT. CAR – ABBY’S VISION – NIGHT
Pamela Scheckla is strangled and stabbed in the front seat of a car. It’s sloppy and brutal.
INT. KILL ROOM – ABBY’S VISION – NIGHT
A man hangs from the ceiling, missing the lower half of his body.
A headless woman sitting in a room of plastic wrap. Her brains splattered on the plastic wall behind her.
A dead woman on a table. Jigsaw pieces have been cut from her skin and placed out to dry.
A dead woman, wearing a cracked porcelain mask lays naked in a bathtub full of milk. Blood drips. The contrast of red and white is striking.
The vision escalates.
Quick flashes of: More dead woman, a large steel box, an old steel door and an ornate key.
INT. BLACK VOID – ABBY’S VISION – NIGHT
Abby stands in a vast black space. She concentrates and a dim light fades up revealing Abby’s surrounded by corpses. Abby screams
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Dr. Tillman brings Abby out of the trance. She’s never experienced anything like it before. Feelings? Sure…but never visions. Dr. Tillman thinks she’s capable of so much more.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The Old Man Reveals to Al and the group the story of his missing wife and her lover. A man, he thinks was a serial killer. The Key reminds Al of his fondest memory; making a time capsule (the steel box) with his father after his mom left. They filled it with her favorite items as a way to grieve and buried it inside a cave on Haystack rock. They buried it the night before a law went into effect, making it illegal to climb or enter the cave. The items that materialized out of thin air were his mom’s items. If the apported items are not in the time capsule, then what is? Al discovers her wedding ring is missing. Abby theorizes that the mother is trying to make contact. Maybe she’s attached to that ring and can’t rest until she’s reunited with it. Dr. Tillman think’s that’s nonsense. He thinks this is all emanating from Ellie.
INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Al opens the safe and finds the stack of Polaroids. Embarrassed he tucks them away. He pulls the out the key sitting on top of a file of newspaper clippings. Abby, Noelle, Tommy and Al head out to Haystack Rock. Dr. Tillman stays with Jerry.
EXT. BEACH – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The investigators hike towards Haystack rock, which land locked due to the low tide. Each carrying a shovel.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
Dr. Tillman explains to Jerry the psychic talent of Psychometry; the ability to discover facts about an event or person, simply by touching an item associated with them. Dr. Tillman wants to try it with the newspaper articles about missing woman.
INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie wakes to the sound of pitter patter of tiny feet on the hardwood floor. She turns on a flash light, but nothing seems to have moved.
EXT. BEACH – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
The investigators make their way carefully through the tide pools of Haystack Rock. Al leads the way to a cave. A sign reads No Trespassing/Unlawful to Enter CITY CODE. They head inside.
INT. CAVE – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
The investigators make their way through the damp cave.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
Dr. Tillman pulls an article from the file about a missing local woman. He closes his eyes and concentrates. Jerry looks bewildered. After a long moment, the Doc puts the article down. Nothing.
INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
More sound of movement. Louder this time. Ellie swings her flash light towards the source. Dolls have shifted around. She hides under her blanket.
INT. CAVE – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
Al says this is the spot. They begin to dig.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
Dr. Tillman pulls another article out of the file about a missing woman. Closes his eyes and concentrates. Jerry’s eyes him suspiciously. Again, nothing.
INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie peaks out from under her blanket and shines her flashlight. The dolls have completely vanished.
INT. CAVE – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
A shovel makes contact with metal. They found it. The investigators dig faster.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
Dr. Tillman holds up another article but is stopped by a scream from Ellie’s room.
INT. DOLL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellies flashlight dies. She runs for the door but is tripped by tiny hands from under the bed. The dolls are attacking her, pulling her under the bed. From the corner of the room, the Porcelain Lady watches in the darkness. Dr. Tillman bursts in and pulls Ellie to safety. He pushes her out of the room as the Porcelain Lady screams, “Don’t let her go!” The door slams behind them.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
The entire house is a paranormal storm of activity. Ellie and Dr. Tillman duck and dodge flying objects. Ellie wants to get her grandpa to safety. Dr. Tillman touches Jerry’s hand and his eyes go wide. The Doc is flung hard against the wall. Blood pours from his head. Before he passes out, he sees Ellie pulling her grandfather into a wheelchair.
INT. HALLWAY – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie pushes Jerry down the hallway towards the living room. The house rumbles, picture frames explode and glass showers down on them. Spirits come from all directions and funnel them into the office.
INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Ellie slams the door and leans against it. Jerry reveals he knows of a safe place to hide.
INT. CAVE – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
Al and Tommy pull the steel box from the ground. It’s heavier than Al remembers. Al opens it with the key, but it’s rusted shut. The investigators beat on the steel box with shovels.
INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
A secret door is revealed in the floor to ceiling bookcase, revealing a stair case down to a secret room, with a stairlift for Jerry. Ellie straps Jerry in and begins to descend as the office door explodes inwards. The spirits are closing in, led by Jerry’s wife. The step by step the ghosts get closer. The stairlift moving excruciatingly slow. They reach the bottom. Ellie throws up a steel door and drags her grandfather into the darkness. The steel door slams shut and locks from within. The bookcase secret door resets itself.
INT. CAVE – HAYSTACK ROCK – NIGHT
The steel box finally gives and the lid is pops open. Al opens it to reveal the dismembered bones of his missing mother. Al has a full-on emotional breakdown. Abby senses it first – “Ellie’s in danger!”
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby and the crew discover Dr. Tillman. He’s out cold. Written on the wall in his own blood – “It’s not Ellie. Follow the resonance.” The crew put it together. Jerry is the poltergeist agent.
INT. LIVING ROOM – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
The house looks like a bomb went off. The God Helmet is destroyed. Noelle – “Maybe you don’t need it?” Ellie focuses. The world falls away. It’s just her and the house. The spirits reveal themselves in human form. They point the way.
INT. OFFICE – BEACH HOUSE – NIGHT
Abby sees the ghost of her mom, who sings the same lullaby from her flashbacks. It clues her into what book to pull to open the secret door. She’s been getting this clue all her life! As the door opens, Abby falls out of her trance. Noelle and Tommy stay with Dr. Tillman. Al follows Abby down the stairs.
INT. KILL ROOM – BEACH HOUSE NIGHT
Jerry Scheckla’s private kill room. Trophies of murder victims line the wall. Scarily reminiscent of the animal trophies upstairs. Bone furniture. Skin tapestries. They discover The Hospice Nurses body, bent, twisted and broken. Startled, Al trips over Barbara’s luggage. He unzips it to find pieces of Barbara stuffed inside. Al fills with rage.
A scream from the rear of the dark room. Abby and Al push through plastic hanging from the ceiling to discover Jerry, sitting on an old bloody sofa, holding a knife to Ellie’s throat. Abby negotiates the situation. Jerry says he just wants one more…one more kill. He makes to slit Ellie’s throat, but Abby screams, “No!” The knife flies out of Jerry’s hand and embeds in the wall. Ellie shoves the weak old man off and runs to her father. Jerry lay’s crying on the sofa.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – BEACH HOUSE – MORNING
Jerry has been returned to his bed. He’s too weak to move. Al sits quietly at his bedside. As the morning sun rises, Jerry confesses to the murder of Al’s mother. Al picks up a pillow and places it over his father’s face. The last thing Jerry sees is his dead wife holding the pillow, surrounded by all of his victims.
EXT. MOBILE LAB – MORNING
The coroner wheels out Jerry Scheckla’s body, followed by Barbara Scheckla. Police detectives work the crime scene. Al and Ellie Scheckla emerge from the house, shell shocked and battle worn. Police tape cordons off the crime scene. The investigators watch it all go down, leaning against the mobile lab. No one says a word, until Dr. Tillman breaks the silence. “This changes everything.” The Professor and Abby reconcile and agree that they were both right. The entities were a psychic manifestation of the Old Man’s rage and guilt. But the mom could have been legitimate incarnate spirit. Noelle – “We can’t quit.” Tommy agrees. He’s a full-on believer now.
INT. BARN LABORATORY – DAY
6 months later – The team has set up a makeshift lab in a barn.
Abby, Noelle and Tommy watch news coverage of their investigation with the Scheckla’s. They are news sensations after solving these decades old murders. Dr. Tillman wants to introduce the newest member of the team. It’s Ellie Scheckla. Her father inherited a fortune and has saw fit to fund the teams research, as long as Ellie can learn. Good thing, because Abby just got an email lead. On to the next case.
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ROB’S CHARACTER JOURNEY TRACK
What I learned: I learned that a character journey track helps to builds more character and depth into your story. I was a bit confused on how to add these to the growing outline, so I’ll be adding them on the clean up lesson.
1. Name: Carole Watkins: The Hospice Nurse (30s)
A. What is their Character Profile?
– Role: Monster Bait
– Traits: Sweet with a sassy side. Gives what she gets.
– Fears: Losing her job. Has kids to take care for.Wants/Needs: She wants to put the old man to bed so she can get back to her homework. She’s putting herself through school.
– Likability / Rooting factors: We like her because she doesn’t take any guff from the old man. She works in Hospice because she truly cares.
– How they react under stress: she talks to God, prays from protection.Relationship with other characters: She has relationship with the old man built on mutual respect.
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
– Character Intro: She wakes the old man in his chair, to take him to bed.
– Denial: Thinks the old man is too old to be afraid of monsters in the closet.
– Their reaction at first horror: Prays to God.
– Relation to group after first horror: She flees, abandoning the old man.
– How they fight back: She runs from danger.
– End Point: A piece of furniture trips her and she’s dragged into the darkness.
– What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience: Her disappearance is the first sign of danger and kicks off the need for an investigation.2. Name: Jerry Alan Scheckla – Terminal Cancer (60)
A. What is their Character Profile?
– Role: The Carrier: the cause of the evil.
– Traits: Looks sweet and kind. Hides an evil side. He’s a master manipulator. Dying of terminal cancer. He’s weak, confused and afraid.
– Fears: Though he’s was once a killer, Jerry is very afraid of death. He also fears being exposed as a serial killer, while he is alive.
– Wants/Needs: Jerry wants to die. But before he does, he NEEDS to kill, one more time.
– Likability / Rooting factors: Before the twist is revealed, Jerry is a sweet, good natured old grandpa.
– How they react under stress: He cries, begs for help and eventually reveals his evil side.
– Relationship with other characters: He has a strained relationship with his son, Al. He has a bond with his granddaughter. Jerry is weary of the investigators and secretly hopes they fail.<div>B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
– Character Intro: We meet Jerry Scheckla, sitting in his favorite chair after being awoken from a dream. He’s dying of cancer.
– Denial: Jerry is confused and doesn’t understand why he’s seeing visions of his past victims.
– Their reaction at first horror: The first time he sees the ghost of his wife, he thinks she’s an angel. Only to realize that death has come for him after all this time.Relation to group after first horror: He reveals only information that he has to. He’s not used to being on the defensive. He’s panicked and frightened.
– How they fight back: Jerry fights back with lies and half-truths to throw investigators off.
– End Point: Jerry dies at the hand of his own son.What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? We learn the true story of Mrs. Scheckla’s death and the victim’s that came after.3. Name: Dr. Daniel Tillman (50s) – holds a Doctorate in Psychology and Parapsychology and is the grandfather of Abby Tillman.
A. What is their Character Profile?
– Role: The Leader
– Traits: He’s fun and quirky. Leads by example. He believes that no one is more important than the team. His team is his family. Believes in Science not Religion. Believes in facts over myth.
– Fears: Retirement. He fears that his whole career has been wasted.
– Wants/Needs: He has never seen a ghost. Wants to validate his career. He also wants Abby to embrace her psychic talents.
– Likability / Rooting factors: We LOVE The Doc! We want him to see a ghost. Always puts the team first.
– How they react under stress: The Doc is cool, calm and collect under pressure. It takes a lot to spook him.
-Relationship with other characters:B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
– Character Intro: We meet the Doc as he’s attempting to use his newest invention, “The God – Helmet.” He’s pulled away into a meeting.
– Denial: After the lab loses funding, he decides it’s time to retire. He doesn’t, for one second, believe the situation is the result of paranormal activity.
– Their reaction at first horror: No fear, only an intense curiosity to study it.
– Relation to group after first horror: He’s seen it once before and reveals Abby’s backstory.
– How they fight back: He believes it’s being conjured by the mind of the dying old man. He wants to convince the old man to stop.
– End Point: Having seen his first ghost, The Doc is reinvigorated to continue investigating the paranormal.– What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? SEQUELS!
4. Name: Abigail “Abby” Tillman (20s) – Lead Investigator
A. What is their Character Profile?
– Role: Rebel/Rule Breaker
– Traits: Intentionally unapproachable, Distrustful, rebellious, protective, not afraid to ask the tough questions, extremely competitive, adaptable, eager to push the boundaries of what most people consider possible. Tough on the outside, sweet on the inside. Has repressed psychic abilities.
– Fears: She suppresses her natural psychic ability due to a childhood trauma.
– Wants/Needs: She wants to prove that ghosts are real.
– Likability / Rooting factors: She’s extremely protective of children. Pushes others to be their best. She’s willing to break the rules.
– How they react under stress: She stays calm and never backs down. Steps up as a true leader.
– Relationship with other characters: She trusts her team, but is considered a loner. Prefers to investigate alone.B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
– Character Intro: We meet Abby as she interviews a single mother and her kids about their paranormal experiences.
– Denial: She denies her grandfather’s suggestion to hang it up and quit. Hold’s herself back by repressing her psychic ability.Their reaction at first horror: Excitement and eagerness to study it.
– Relation to group after first horror: Abby struggles with self-doubt. She’s resistant to the “God Helmet” experiment.
– How they fight back: Abby learns to control her fear and outsmarts Jerry Scheckla.
– End Point: Abby let’s go of her fear and embraces her natural psychic ability.
– What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Now in control of her psychic gift, Abby is eager to help other people in paranormal need.5. Name: Thomas “Tommy” McClees (20s) – The Tech Guy
A. What is their Character Profile?
– Role: Complainer
– Traits: Handy with tools. Crafts electronic gadgets and investigation equipment. He’s a scaredy-cat. Prefers to monitor from the safety of the mobile lab. He’s honest and loyal. Casually religious.
– Fears: Rejection, looking foolish and spiders.
– Wants/Needs: He wants to impress Noelle.
– Likability / Rooting factors: He’s willing step outside his comfort zone for the good of the group. He’s funny and handsome.
– How they react under stress: He tends to use humor to hide his fear. Like Shaggy without the dog. He’s the first to retreat.
– Relationship with other characters: He’s loyal to Dr. Tillman and the group. He also has a huge crush on Noelle.B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
– Character Intro: We meet Tommy as he’s wiggling through a dirty crawlspace, investigating plumbing pipes.
– Denial: He looks for every possible explanation outside of the paranormal to explain the current situation.
– Their reaction at first horror: He talks himself out of believing what he saw. He thinks they got enough evidence and wants to leave.Relation to group after first horror: Tommy doesn’t want to be left alone. There’s safety in numbers.
– How they fight back: He tries to use his cross necklace to ward off evil.
– End Point: Tommy ends the film becoming a full-on believer. He loves the new found “celebrity” from the news coverage.
– What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Together, they can accomplish anything.6. Name: Noelle Johnson (20s) – Researcher
A. What is their Character Profile?
– Role: Innocent
– Traits: Sweet. Trusting. Innocent. Fully believes in the paranormal and is willing to perform any experiment the Doc suggests. A proper “southern” girl.
– Fears: Fears that her parents are going to stop paying her tuition because of her paranormal studies.
– Wants/Needs: Wants to impress The Doc with her investigation skills and find indisputable proof that ghosts are real. With the Doc retiring, she thinks it’s her time to shine.
– Likability / Rooting factors: Her southern charm puts people at ease. She’s a go getter with a bubbly demeanor.
– How they react under stress: She’s a screamer, but is working on it.
– Relationship with other characters: She knows Tommy likes her, but is making him earn it. Working with The Doc and Abby is a dream come true.B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
– Character Intro: We meet Noelle as she investigates the HVAC and wiring in the basement for high EMF readings.
– Denial: Thinks the video from Scheckla’s house could be fake.
– Their reaction at first horror: Her first instinct is to run, but she collects herself.
– Relation to group after first horror: She’s all in. Ready to investigate.
– How they fight back: She believes that they all must stick together.
– End Point: Noelle lives and decides to dedicate her life to paranormal research.
– What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? That everyone brings a unique talent to the team.</div><div>7. Name: Jerry “Al” Scheckla Jr. (35) – The Old Man’s Son
A. What is their Character Profile?
– Role: Introvert/Loner
– Traits: Distracts himself with work. Hidden trauma, doesn’t like to talk about his feelings, Quick to anger, Avoids conflict
– Fears: Fears losing his family
– Wants/Needs: He wants to know what happened to his mother.
– Likability / Rooting factors: At first, he’s angry and hostile. Over time, he loosens up and we come to understand him.
– How they react under stress: He tends to hold back his anger until it explodes.
– Relationship with other characters: He’s on the verge of divorce with his wife. Doesn’t know how to communicate with his daughter. Avoids confrontation with his father.B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
– Character Intro: We meet Al as he and his family arrive to his childhood home.
– Denial: He doesn’t believe in ghosts. Especially in his childhood home.
– Their reaction at first horror: Utter disbelief. He’s speechless.
– Relation to group after first horror: He needs their help. He’s willing to do anything to help his father.
– How they fight back: He tries to help his father by intervening in the invisible beatings. He explores his memory for clues.
– End Point: He kills his father after learning of his crimes. His wife is dead and his daughter is traumatized.
– What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? It’s important to get to know your parents.8. Name: Barbara Scheckla (30s)
A. What is their Character Profile?
– Role: Monster Bait
– Traits: Good mom, ignored, lonely, borderline alchoholic, considering divorce
– Fears: Fears letting down her daughter, having a failed marriage. Doesn’t want Al to know how much she drinks.
– Wants/Needs: Wants to be loved, wants to be seen and needed. Wants another drink!
– Likability / Rooting factors: She’s the one holding the family together.
– How they react under stress: She’s a mom, she knows how to keep it together. She’s protective. Her child comes first.
– Relationship with other characters: She has a tense relationship with her husband.B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
– Character Intro: We meet Barbara when her family unit arrives at the beach house. Her first glimpse of the house. Her first order of business is cleaning up the place. She’s unhappy with her life.
– Denial: Thinks her family is playing pranks on her.
– Their reaction at first horror: Her first reaction is to protect her daughter. Knows they need help.
– Relation to group after first horror: She lays off the booze and mothers the investigators. She tries to learn all she can.
– How they fight back: She screams and curses the unseen spirits.
– End Point: Barbara is taken when the group is distracted with the Old Man. She is killed after Old Man Scheckla learns of her possible infidelity.
– What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Her death is a shocking revelation of how dangerous the poltergeist really is.9. Name: Ellie Scheckla (10) – Granddaughter of Jerry Scheckla
A. What is their Character Profile?
– Role: Sacrificial Lamb
– Traits: She’s inquisitive, a bit of a snoop, eavesdrops on adult conversations, smarter than she’s given credit for, stubborn and pure of heart.
– Fears: Watching her grandpa die, it’s her first experience with death.
– Wants/Needs: Wants her parents to be happy together.
– Likability / Rooting factors: She’s funny and smart.
– How they react under stress: She has a tendency to freeze under pressure. Experiences panic attacks
– Relationship with other characters: She is highly curious about the paranormal investigators. She hangs around and asks a lot of questions. They think she might be the cause of the poltergeist.B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
– Character Intro: Ellie explores the house.
– Denial: Believes there’s no such thing as monsters.
– Their reaction at first horror: She breaks down into sobs, screaming for help.
– Relation to group after first horror: She sticks close to her grandpa and keeps watch.
– How they fight back: She yells, screams and uses her body to protect her grandfather.
– End Point: She’s betrayed by her grandfather and tricked into his basement kill room where he wants her to be his final victim.
– What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? She survives, but history repeats itself and she suffers the trauma of losing her mother to violence, just like Al did.
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ROB’S MONSTER REVEAL TRACK
What I learned: I learned that the monster and its secrets must be doled out in small increments, adding more and more information so that the characters and audience know how to defeat it in the finale. I also learned that writing and creating in the middle of a heatwave is ridiculously hard. (115 degrees today 🙁 )
Who is your monster and what is their terror?
The Monster is a Poltergeist manifested by the guilt and shame of a dying serial killer.
– Powers: It can manifest as a variety of ghosts, moves objects, phantom voices, can cause unseen physical harm (punches, slaps), can levitate large objects, banging/thumping noises, cause hallucinations
– Limitations: Bound to the house, land and surrounding beach. Ghost of wife can only manifest at low tide. The monster requires a tremendous amount of energy and can only manifest for short period of time.
– Weaknesses: Their power derives from the old man. They will cease to exist if he dies.
– Plan/Purpose/Appetite: The poltergeist wants to punish the old man for his crimes, reveal him to be a killer and lead investigators to their bodies so they can be put to rest.OUTLINE
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established: A Hospice Nurse attends to Mr. Scheckla, who is dying of a terminal illness in his beachfront home. She puts him to bed early, against his wishes. The Nurse has a paranormal experience that shakes the very foundations of her beliefs.
Horror Situation: Old Man Scheckla sees a beautiful woman approaching the back door.
Reaction – Denial – The old man doesn’t believe it.Demand: Mystery – who is the woman?
Monster Reveal: A beautiful woman walks up to the sliding glass back door. The door opens and she’s gone.Horror Situation: An invisible presence climbs into bed with the old man.
Reaction – Hide – The old man hides under the blankets and rings his bell for help, screamingHorror Situation: Phantom Voices – Crying
Reaction – Try to solve it – The Hospice Nurse slowly opens the closet and checks under the bed. Nothing is there.Demand: The old man demands that the hospice nurse check the closet and underneath the bed, like a child. Nothing is there.
Monster Reveal: The Nurse looks up (after checking under bed), straight into the decomposed face of the woman from the beach.Character Death 1: Hospice Nurse
Why: The Hospice Nurse was rude to the old man.
How: The Hospice Nurse’s body is bent, broken and twisted Her body is later discovered as a trophy in the kill room.Connect with the characters: We meet Abby and the Paranormal Team as they investigate a single mother’s home for paranormal activity. The activity is debunked using their scientific method.
Horror Situation: Banging sounds
Reaction – Try to solve it: Tommy investigates the plumbing and finds an issue.
Horror Situation: Feeling of being watched.
Reaction – Try to solve it: Noelle detects high levels of EMF (electromagnetic field)
Horror Situation: Strange Odor
Reaction – Try to solve it – Abby discovers the source of the smell.Al Scheckla arrives to his childhood home, with his wife and teenage daughter. They find the hospice nurse has abandoned the old man.
Horror Situation: Abandoned Old Man
Reaction – Fight – Al finds his dying father, abandoned and loses his temper.
Horror Situation: Shaking/Moving Objects
Reaction – Denial – The room shakes, a picture frame flies across the room and shatters.Demand: Why has the Hospice Nurse abandoned the old man?
Monster Reveal: A tremor rocks the house and a picture frame flies across the room. A photo of Al’s mother. The woman from the opening.Horror Situation: Body horror with the Old Man
Reaction – Try to solve it – The Old Man soiled himself. Al must give his father a bath.The characters are warned not to do it: While the Old Man takes a bath, Al fights with hospice care on the phone. Al is warned not to take care of the old man alone. He should be in a care facility. The Old Man won’t leave. Daughter explores the house.
Horror Situation: Frozen Bathtub Scare
Reaction – Escape – The old man is pulled under the warm bath water. He tries to escape, but is frozen in place as the water turns to ice. Al must break the ice to pull him out.Horror Situation: Mirror/Ceiling Game – Luminous Balls of Light
Reaction – Try to solve it – Ellie plays a game and follows mysterious balls of light using a hand mirror. It leads her to Grandfather’s open safe. Ellie finds old S&M photos. Grossed out, Ellie locks the safe then finds her father’s old View Master Collection.Horror Situation: Objects Moving
Reaction – Denial – Barbara looks at old family album. When she looks up, several pieces of furniture have been moved.Denial of Horror:
After the family experiences paranormal activity, Al assures his wife and daughter that the house is safe. He grew up there.Horror Situation: Bird slams window
Reaction – Denial – “That’s not a ghost.”Safety taken away:
After receiving notification that the University Parapsychology Lab has lost its funding and must close, Professor Tillman decides that it’s time to retire. The Professor tells Abby that it’s time to stop chasing ghosts, or she’ll end up like him, “Unpublished and a laughing stock in the scientific community.”The family witnesses the old man beaten by an invisible presence and thrown around the room. The teenage daughter records it on her cell phone. They are powerless to stop it.
Horror Situation: View Master Slide Show Scare.
Reaction – Curious – Ellie helps her grandfather use the View Master.
Horror Situation: Murder victim slide show.
Reaction – Escape – The old man panics after seeing ghostly image on view master
Horror Situation: Attack by unseen force
Reaction – Escape – The Old Man is beaten by an unseen force and thrown around the room.Demand: Our first glimpse of victims.
Monster Reveal: The old man uses the view master. Each slide reveals a different woman in various states of decomposition. Ends on the Old Man’s Wife.Monster: The nature of the beast:
Abby receives some astonishing footage from the Scheckla house and tries to convince her grandfather to investigate. The Professor declines. Abby and The Paranormal Team “borrows” the Mobile Lab (RV) from the University and heads to the Coast, without the Professor’s approval. One last chance to prove ghosts are real.ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted:
On the first day of the investigation, the house loses power and communication to the outside world, due to a storm. (Thunder, lightning, fog.) Day 1: Interviews, Walkthrough, Equipment/Cameras setup, Research on house, InvestigationHorror Situation: Interviews with Scheckla Family – Questions about background, medical history, psychological background, medications, family dynamic.
Monster Reveal: The story of Al’s mother’s disappearance is revealed. “She left when I was young.”Horror Situation: House Tour
Reaction – Try to solve it – The team takes EMF and Temperature readingsHorror Situation: 2 Person Team: EVP Session and Photo Session.
Reaction – Try to solve it – Abby conducts an EVP session while Noelle takes polaroid photos.Horror Situation: Electrical attack
Reaction – Stunned Disbelief – The investigators document an electrical phenomenon above Old Man Scheckla. Power is knocked outDemand: What are we dealing with, here?
Monster Reveal: Polaroids reveal the outline of Five being in the room.Horror Situation: Evidence Review
Reaction – Try to solve it – Abby and the team review the recorded evidence in the Mobile Lab. EVP and Photo evidence is revealed.Demand: The team reviews their EVP and Photo Evidence
Monster Reveal: Evidence separately reveals random words. When placed in order reveals a sinister message. (Example: “Trapped. We are waiting. First he suffers, then he dies. Kill them all.”One of us killed:
Noelle (Monster Bait) is lured away and viciously attacked by an unseen presence.Horror Situation: Phantom voices
Reaction – Try to solve it – Noelle is lured through the house by phantom voices.
Horror Situation: Banging Noises
Reaction – Try to Solve it – Noelle investigates the puzzle room.
Horror Situation: Jigsaw Puzzle
Reaction – Try to Solve it – Noelle witnesses puzzle pieces moving, forming words.
Horror Situation: Jigsaw Lady Attack
Reaction – Escape – Noelle attempts to flee, but she’s forcibly dragged back. She’s levitated and chocked by the Jigsaw Lady. Forced to read the message made by puzzle pieces. The group saves Noelle.Demand: A mysterious clue is manifested.
Monster Reveal: Noelle is attacked in the jigsaw puzzle room and coughs up jigsaw puzzle pieces. When put together, it reveals an image of Haystack Rock and a series of numbers. (Office Safe Code)MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
Full pursuit by the killer:
The next morning the Professor arrives unannounced, sensing his team is in danger. (He’s psychic.) The attacks on the old man are determined to happen at low tide. The Investigators prepare for an experiment at low tide. The Wife attacks Old Man Scheckla.Horror Situation: Energy Drain on Equipment
Reaction – Awe – The Wife draws energy from the investigators equipment to manifest herself. Battery powered lights die, batteries on equipment drain. Camera’s cut out. Pitch darkness.
Horror Situation: Corpuscular balls of light
Reaction – Try to solve it – Green balls of energy shoot across the room, from the back door to the wall above the Old Man.
Horror Situation: The Wife Attacks
Reaction – Escape – The Old Man is levitated out of bed and slapped and punched in midair. The house rumbles and objects begin pelting the old man from all directions. The worst beating yet.
Horror Situation: Full Torso Apparition
Reaction – Pure Fright – The Wife’s full appearance is revealed.Barbara Scheckla disappears, along with her luggage and car. Her body will be found in the finale.
Character Death 2: Barbara Scheckla
Why: Old Man Scheckla learns that Barbara is an alcoholic and may have cheated on his son.
How: Barbara is lured away from the group and burned from the inside out. Her body is not found till the finale.After reviewing the recorded evidence, the Professor reveals his theory about Poltergeists and Recurrent Spontaneous Psychokinesis. He’s seen it before. Abby’s childhood trauma is revealed. Abby: I did not kill my parents with psychokinesis!
Demand: The Professor’s Theory explained: Recurrent Spontaneous Psychokinesis
Monster Reveal: Abby’s backstory and the death of her mom is explained and how it ties together with what’s happening now. Explains how a poltergeist is manifested by a person with emotional psychokinesis.Terrorized:
Al tucks Ellie into bed. They are at odds because they think Barbara has abandoned them. Barbara is not answering.Abby and the Professor are at odds because they disagree on theory. The Professor suggests a radical experiment using the God Helmet to stimulate Abby’s pineal gland. To try and awaken her dormant psychic ability. Some believe the pineal gland to be the 3<sup>rd</sup> eye. Reveals Abby’s repressed psychic ability. The experiment gives Abby a vision of the murders in the house, a hint of where the wife is buried and a secret door.
Demand: The “God Helmet – Pineal Gland Stimulation Experiment” unlocks Abby’s repressed psychic ability.
Monster Reveal: Gives Abby a vision of Five murder victims, a mysterious door, a cement pad with a date and handprints in the yard and the office safe.Character Death 3: Pamela Scheckla – First Kill (flashback)
Why: She cheated on Old Man Scheckla.
How: With his hands. The kill is unplanned, sloppy and brutal.Character Death 4: The Dragging Man – Second Kill (flashback)
Why: He was sleeping with Old Man Scheckla’s wife.
How: He was cut in half and the lower half of his body was destroyed. His upper body is made into a trophy and kept in the kill room basement. Revealed in finale.Character Death 5: The Headless Woman – Third Kill (flashback)
Why: Old Man Scheckla has developed a taste for murder. He likes it.
How: Shotgun blast to the face. Her body is made into a trophy and kept in the kill room.Character Death 6: The Jigsaw Lady – Fourth Kill (flashback)
Why: She was a married woman looking to cheat on her husband.
How: Her body is cut to pieces then put back together again. Her body is kept as a trophy in the kill room.Character Death 7: Porcelain Doll Lady – Fifth Kill (flashback)
Why: She’s lured to the house by the Old Man. She has a love for porcelain dolls, like his wife.
How: She’s hung and slowly drained of blood. Her body is made into a Porcelain Doll and kept as a trophy in the kill room.Demand: The Binder and an ornate key is found in the office safe.
Monster Reveal: Information on missing woman from the local area. Was Mrs. Scheckla’s lover a serial killer? Mr. Scheckla has been searching for his wife all this time?The Old Man Reveals to Al and the group the story of his missing wife and her lover. A man, he thinks was a serial killer. The Key reminds Al of his fondest memory; making a time capsule with his father after his mom disappeared.
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death:
The group is lured in separate directions and trapped. It’s low tide and Al digs up the time capsule inside Haystack Rock. The Professor waits at the bottom of the attic stairs.Horror Situation: Banging from the attic
Reaction – Try to solve it – Abby hears noises in the attic. Could it be Barbara?
Horror Situation: Creepy Attic
Reaction – Try to Solve it – Abby discovers a lot of luggage in the attic.
Horror Situation: Luggage reveal
Reaction: Confusion – The luggage is full of woman’s clothes. Abby finds Barbara’s luggage.
Horror Situation: Half body in a suitcase
Reaction – Escape – Abby discovers the body of the dragging man.
Horror Situation: Door Slam
Reaction – Escape – The attic door slams shut. It won’t open. They’re trapped.
Horror Situation: The Dragging Man attacks
Reaction – Escape – The Dragging Man crawls towards Abby.Horror Situation: Creepy garage
Reaction – Try to solve it – Tommy searches the garage for more batteries.
Horror Situation: Grandpa’s stash
Reaction – Tempted – Tommy finds the old man’s bong.
Horror Situation: Tommy breaks his sobriety
Reaction – Guilt – Tommy places the bong to his lips and sparks a lighter.
Horror Situation: Bong/Gun Scare
Reaction – Shock – Noelle walks in and sees the gun in Tommy’s mouth.
Horror Situation: The Headless Woman attacks
Reaction – Escape – The Headless Woman yanks Tommy’s head back and averts the gun just as it goes off. The Headless Woman emerges from the shadows.
Horror Situation: Door Slam
Reaction – Terror – The garage door slams shut. Noelle and Tommy are trapped.Horror Situation: Porcelain Doll Bedroom Attack
Reaction – Denial – Ellie hears the pitter patter of tiny feet. Nothing appears to have moved
Horror Situation: Porcelain dolls move
Reaction – Fear – More sounds of movement. Ellie shines her phone light. Dolls have moved. She hides under her blanket
Horror Situation – Dolls disappear
Reaction – Escape – Ellie peeks. The dolls have vanished! She runs towards the door.
Horror Situation: The Doll Lady attacks
Reaction – Escape – Ellie is attacked by the Porcelain Doll Lady. The Ghost starts to drag her under the bed.
Horror Situation – The Professor to the rescue
Reaction – Escape – The Professor pulls Ellie free and ushers her out the bedroom door.
Horror Situation: Door Slam
Reaction – Terror – The Bedroom door slams. The Professor is trapped.
Horror Situation: The Porcelain Woman attacks
Reaction – Terror – The Porcelain Woman emerges from the darkness, behind the Professor.Horror Situation: Al digs up the Time Capsule.
Reaction – Hysteria – Al finds his mom’s body.Hysteria:
Ellie follows the sound of the old man’s bell. Ellie and her grandpa are all alone. The Old Man leads her to a secret door to a hidden room below the house. The Old man is revealed to be a serial killer. The investigators are freed. The ghosts have actually trying help and protect them all along. Abby must talk the Old Man out of murder.Horror Situation: Full Poltergeist Tantrum
Reaction – Escape – The entire house is a storm of paranormal activity.
Horror Situation: Secret Safe Space
Reaction – Hope – Grandpa knows of a safe place to hide.The thrilling escape from death:
Ellie must help her grandfather to the office. The ghosts stalk their escape.Horror Situation: The Secret Door
Reaction – Escape – The Old Man reveals a secret door to a staircase leading to a panic room.
Horror Situation: The Stairlift
Reaction – Maximum Terror – The stairlift descends slowly as the ghosts follow them down.
Horror Situation: The Panic Room Door
Reaction – Relief – Ellie slams the panic room door shut.Demand: The Kill Room revealed.
Monster Reveal: Old Man Scheckla reveals his Kill Room, loaded with trophies from his murder victims.Demand: The investigators are freed.
Monster Reveal: Al returns with grim news. The team puts it together that Old Man Scheckla is a serial killer.Horror Situation: The Kill Room
Reaction – Escape – Abby confronts the Old Man, who’s taken Ellie hostage.Horror Situation: The Kill Room
Reaction – Escape – Abby must convince the Old Man to let Ellie go.Death returns to take one or more:
Old Man Scheckla has been returned to his bed. He’s in bad shape and no longer has the energy to manifest paranormal energy. The Investigators pack their equipment. Finally dying, Old Man Scheckla watches the sun set on Haystack Rock one last time and confesses his crimes. Al mercy kills his father. The last thing Old Man Scheckla see’s is his dead wife holding the pillow, surrounded by all his victims.Demand: The fate of Mrs. Scheckla revealed.
Monster Reveal: Old Man Scheckla is revealed to have killed his wife and her lover in a fit of jealous rage. He hides the wife’s body in a time capsule that he and his son put together to help with the son’s grieving process. The son was not to open it until the old man was dead.Character Death 8: Old Man Scheckla
Why: His son, Al learns of his crimes and that he had a hand in helping his father hide his mother’s body when he was a kid.
How: He’s smothered with a pillow, while the ghosts of his victims watch.Resolution:
The mom’s body is recovered from Haystack Rock. The Professor and Abby reconcile and agree that they were both right. The entities were a psychic manifestation of the Old Man’s rage and guilt. But the mom could have been legitimate incarnate spirit. The Scheckla’s hold three funerals. Due to the publicity, the Investigators receive a call for a new case.
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ROB’S CHARACTER DEATH TRACK
What I learned: I learned that you want each death to serve your story and to deliver on your concept in a compelling way.
Character Death 1: Hospice Nurse
Why: The Hospice Nurse rudely makes Old Man Scheckla go to bed before he’s ready.
How: The Hospice Nurse’s body is bent, broken and twisted. Her body is later discovered as a trophy in the kill room.Character Death 2: Barbara Scheckla
Why: Old Man Scheckla learns that Barbara is an alcoholic and may have cheated on his son.
How: Barbara is lured away from the group and burned with fire from the inside out. Her body is not found till the finale.Character Death 3: Pamela Scheckla – First Kill (flashback)
Why: She cheated on Old Man Scheckla.
How: With his hands. The kill is unplanned, sloppy and brutal.Character Death 4: The Dragging Man – Second Kill (flashback)
Why: He was sleeping with Old Man Scheckla’s wife.
How: He was cut in half and the lower half of his body was destroyed. His upper body is made into a trophy and kept in the kill room basement. Revealed in finale.Character Death 5: The Headless Woman – Third Kill (flashback)
Why: Old Man Scheckla has developed a taste for murder. He likes it.
How: Shotgun blast to the face. Her body is made into a trophy and kept in the kill room.Character Death 6: The Jigsaw Lady – Fourth Kill (flashback)
Why: She was a married woman looking to cheat on her husband.
How: Her body is cut to pieces then put back together again. Her body is kept as a trophy in the kill room.Character Death 7: Porcelain Doll Lady – Fifth Kill (flashback)
Why: She’s lured to the house by the Old Man. She has a love for porcelain dolls, like his wife.
How: She’s hung and slowly drained of blood. Her body is made into a Porcelain Doll and kept as a trophy in the kill room.Character Death 8: Old Man Scheckla
Why: His son, Al learns of his crimes and that he had a hand in helping his father hide his mother’s body when he was a kid.
How: He’s smothered with a pillow. -
ROB’S HORROR SITUATION TRACK
What I learned: I learned that I have a problem with overwriting. I’m also happy to see a story taking shape. I found creating more horror situations than I really needed to be a helpful exercise. I’ll be stockpiling horror situations going forward.
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established:
A Hospice Nurse attends to Mr. Scheckla, who is dying of a terminal illness in his beachfront home. The Nurse has a paranormal experience that shakes the very foundations of her beliefs.Horror Situation: Old Man Scheckla sees his dead wife
Reaction – Denial – The old man doesn’t believe it.
Horror Situation: The wife crawls into bed.
Reaction – Hide – The old man hides under the blankets and rings his bell for help, screaming.Horror Situation: Phantom Voices – Crying
Reaction – Try to solve it – The Hospice Nurse slowly opens the closet. Nothing is there.
Horror Situation: Scratching noises.
Reaction – Try to solve it. – The hospice nurse check under the bed. All clear.
Horror Situation: The dead wife’s hand caresses the old man.
Reaction – Escape. – The Hospice Nurse abandons the old man.Connect with the characters:
We meet Abby and the Paranormal Team as they investigate a single mother’s home for paranormal activity. The activity is debunked using their scientific method.Horror Situation: Banging sounds
Reaction – Try to solve it: Tommy investigates the plumbing and finds an issue.
Horror Situation: Feeling of being watched.
Reaction – Try to solve it: Noelle detects a high level of EMF (electromagnetic field)
Horror Situation: Strange Odor
Reaction – Try to solve it – Abby discovers the source of the smell.Al Scheckla arrives to his childhood home, with his wife and teenage daughter. They find the hospice nurse has abandoned the old man.
Horror Situation: Abandoned Old Man
<b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Reaction – Fight – Al finds his dying father, abandoned and loses his temper.Horror Situation: Shaking/Moving Objects
Reaction – Denial – The room shakes, an object flies across the room and shatters. Blamed on an earthquake.Horror Situation: Body horror with the Old Man
Reaction – Try to solve it – The Old Man soiled himself. Al must give his father a bath.The characters are warned not to do it:
While the Old Man takes a bath, Al fights with hospice care on the phone. Al is warned not to take care of the old man alone. He should be in a care facility. The Old Man won’t leave. Daughter explores the house.Horror Situation: Frozen Bathtub Scare
Reaction – Escape – The old man is pulled under the warm bath water. He tries to escape, but is frozen in place as the water turns to ice. Al must break the ice to pull him out.
Reaction – Denial – Al’s never seen anything like it.Horror Situation: Mirror/Ceiling Game – Luminous Balls of Light
Reaction – Try to solve it – Ellie plays a game and follows mysterious balls of light using a hand mirror. It leads her to father’s old View Master CollectionHorror Situation: Objects Moving
Reaction – Denial – Barbara looks at old family album. When she looks up, several pieces of furniture have been moved.Denial of Horror:
After the family experiences paranormal activity, Al assures his wife and daughter that the house is safe. He grew up there.Horror Situation: Bird slams window
Reaction – Denial – Al insists that the place is safe.Safety taken away:
After receiving notification that the University Parapsychology Lab has lost its funding and must close, Professor Tillman decides that it’s time to retire. The Professor tells Abby that it’s time to stop chasing ghosts, or she’ll end up like him, “Unpublished and a laughing stock in the scientific community.”The family witnesses the old man beaten by an invisible presence and thrown around the room. The teenage daughter records it on her cell phone. They are powerless to stop it.
Horror Situation: View Master Slide Show Scare.
Reaction – Curious – Ellie helps her grandfather use the View Master.
Horror Situation: Murder victim slide show.
Reaction – Escape – The old man panics after seeing ghostly image on view master
Horror Situation: Attack by unseen force
Reaction – Escape – The Old Man is beaten by an unseen force and thrown around the room.Monster: The nature of the beast:
Abby receives some astonishing footage from the Scheckla house and tries to convince her grandfather to investigate. The Professor declines. Abby and The Paranormal Team “borrows” the Mobile Lab (RV) from the University and heads to the Coast, without the Professor’s approval. One last chance to prove ghosts are real.ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted:
On the first night of the investigation, the house loses power and communication to the outside world, due to a storm. (Thunder, lightning, fog.) Day 1: Interviews, Walkthrough, Equipment/Cameras setup, Research on house, InvestigationHorror Situation: House Tour
Reaction – The team takes EMF and Temperature readingsHorror Situation: 2 Person Team: EVP Session and Photo Session.
Reaction – Try to solve it – Abby conducts an EVP session while Noelle takes polaroid photos.Horror Situation: Electrical attack
Reaction – Stunned Disbelief – The investigators document an electrical phenomenon above Old Man Scheckla. Power is knocked outHorror Situation: Evidence Review
Reaction – Try to solve it – Abby and the team review the recorded evidence in the Mobile Lab. EVP and Photo evidence is revealed.One of us killed:
Noelle (Monster Bait) is lured away and viciously attacked by an unseen presence. It’s a distraction.Horror Situation: Phantom voices
Reaction – Try to solve it – Noelle is lured through the house by phantom voices.
Horror Situation: Banging Noises
Reaction – Try to Solve it – Noelle investigates the puzzle room.
Horror Situation: Jigsaw Puzzle
Reaction – Try to Solve it – Noelle witnesses puzzle pieces moving, forming words.
Horror Situation: Jigsaw Lady Attack
Reaction – Escape – Noelle attempts to flee, but she’s forcibly dragged back. She’s levitated and chocked by the Jigsaw Lady. The group saves Noelle. Barbara is nowhere to be seen.Barbara Scheckla disappears, along with her luggage and car.
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
Full pursuit by the killer:
The next morning the Professor arrives unannounced, sensing his team is in danger. (He’s psychic.) After reviewing the recorded evidence, the Professor reveals his theory about Poltergeists and Recurrent Spontaneous Psychokinesis. He’s seen it before. Abby’s childhood trauma is revealed. Abby: I did not kill my parents with psychokinesis! The attacks on the old man are determined to happen at low tide. The Investigators prepare for an experiment at low tide. The Wife attacks Old Man Scheckla.Horror Situation: Energy Drain on Equipment
Reaction – Awe – The Wife draws energy from the investigators equipment to manifest herself. Battery powered lights die, batteries on equipment drain. Camera’s cut out. Pitch darkness.
Horror Situation: Corpuscular balls of light
Reaction – Try to solve it – Green balls of energy shoot across the room, from the back door to the wall above the Old Man.Horror Situation: The Wife Attacks
Reaction – Escape – The Old Man is levitated out of bed and slapped and punched in midair. The house rumbles and objects begin pelting the old man from all directions. The worst beating yet.
Horror Situation: Full Torso Apparition
Reaction – Pure Fright – The Wife’s full appearance is revealed.Terrorized:
Al tucks Ellie into bed. They are at odds because they think Barbara has abandoned them. Barbara is not answering. Abby and the Professor are at odds because they disagree on theory.The Professor suggests a radical experiment using the God Helmet to stimulate Abby’s pineal gland. Some believe the pineal gland to be the 3rd eye. Reveals Abby’s repressed psychic ability. The experiment gives Abby of a vision of the wife’s murder, a hint of where’s she’s buried and a secret door.
The Old Man Reveals to Al and the group the story of his missing wife and her lover. A man, he thinks was a serial killer.
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death:
The group is lured in separate directions and trapped.Horror Situation: Banging from the attic
Reaction – Try to solve it – Professor and Abby hear noises in the attic. Could it be Barbara?
Horror Situation: Creepy Attic
Reaction – Try to Solve it – Abby and the Professor discover tons of luggage in the attic.
Horror Situation: Luggage reveal
Reaction: Confusion – The luggage is full of woman’s clothes. The Professor finds Barbara’s luggage.
Horror Situation: Half body in a suitcase
Reaction – Escape – Abby discovers the body of the dragging man.
Horror Situation: Door Slam
Reaction – Escape – The attic door slams shut. It won’t open. They’re trapped.
Horror Situation: The Dragging Man attacks
Reaction – Escape – The Dragging Man crawls towards Abby.Horror Situation: Creepy garage
Reaction – Try to solve it – Tommy searches the garage for more batteries.
Horror Situation: Grandpa’s stash
Reaction – Tempted – Tommy finds the old man’s marijuana and bong.
Horror Situation: Tommy breaks his sobriety
Reaction – Guilt – Tommy places the bong to his lips and sparks a lighter.
Horror Situation: Bong/Gun Scare
Reaction – Shock – Noelle walks in and sees the gun in Tommy’s mouth.
Horror Situation: The Headless Woman attacks
Reaction – Escape – The Headless Woman yanks Tommy’s head back and averts the gun just as it goes off. The Headless Woman emerges from the shadows.
Horror Situation: Door Slam
Reaction – Terror – The garage door slams shut. Noelle and Tommy are trapped.Horror Situation: Porcelain Doll Bedroom Attack
Reaction – Denial – Ellie hears the pitter patter of tiny feet. Nothing appears to have moved
Horror Situation: Porcelain dolls move
Reaction – Fear – More sounds of movement. Ellie shines her phone light. Dolls have moved. She hides under her blanket
Horror Situation – Dolls disappear
Reaction – Escape – Ellie peeks. The dolls have vanished! She runs towards the door.
Horror Situation: The Dolls attack
Reaction – Escape – Ellie is attacked by porcelain dolls. They start to drag her under the bed.
Horror Situation – Al to the rescue
Reaction – Escape – Al pulls Ellie free and ushers her out the bedroom door.
Horror Situation: Door Slam
Reaction – Terror – The Bedroom door slams. Al is trapped.
Horror Situation: The Porcelain Woman attacks
Reaction – Terror – The Porcelain Woman emerges from the darkness, behind Al.Hysteria:
Ellie follows the sound of the old man’s bell. Ellie and her grandpa are all alone. The Old Man leads her to a secret door to a hidden room below the house. The Old man is revealed to be a serial killer. The investigators are freed. The ghosts have actually trying help and protect them all along. Abby must talk the Old Man out of murder.Horror Situation: Full Poltergeist Tantrum
Reaction – Escape – The entire house is a storm of paranormal activity.
Horror Situation: Secret Safe Space
Reaction – Hope – Grandpa knows of a safe place to hide.The thrilling escape from death:
Ellie must help her grandfather to the office. The ghosts stalk their escape.Horror Situation: The Secret Door
Reaction – Escape – The Old Man reveals a secret door to a staircase leading to a panic room .Horror Situation: The Stairlift
Reaction – Maximum Terror – The stairlift descends slowly as the ghosts follow them down.Horror Situation: The Panic Room Door
Reaction – Relief – Ellie slams the panic room door shut.Horror Situation: The Kill Room
Reaction – Escape – Abby confronts the Old Man, who’s taken Ellie hostage.Horror Situation: Grandpa is a Serial Killer
Reaction – Escape – Abby must convince the Old Man to let Ellie go.Death returns to take one or more:
Old Man Scheckla has been returned to his bed. He’s in bad shape and no longer has the energy to manifest paranormal energy. The Investigators pack their equipment. Finally dying, Old Man Scheckla watches the sun set on Haystack Rock one last time and confesses his crimes. Al reminisces about the time he helped his dad hide a Time Capsule inside a cave on Hay Stack Rock. Al and his father both see the ghost of Al’s mother. Al realizes it wasn’t a time capsule. It was his mother’s body. Al mercy kills his father. The last thing Old Man Scheckla see’s is his dead wife holding the pillow, surrounded by all his victims.Resolution:
The mom’s body is recovered from Haystack Rock. The Professor and Abby reconcile and agree that they were both right. The entities were a psychic manifestation of the Old Man’s rage and guilt. But the mom could have been legitimate incarnate spirit. The Scheckla’s hold three funerals. Due to the publicity, the Investigators receive a call for a new case. -
ROB’S HORROR PLOT
What I learned:
I learned that the horror plot track is only the first step in building your outline. If you follow the tracking steps it can help eliminate plot holes before they happen.ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established:
A Hospice Nurse attends to Mr. Scheckla, who is dying of a terminal illness at his beach front house. The Nurse has a paranormal experience that shakes the very foundations of her beliefs.Connect with the characters:
We meet Abby and the Paranormal Team as they investigate a single mother’s home for paranormal activity. The activity is debunked using their scientific method.Al Scheckla arrives to his childhood home, with his wife and teenage daughter. They are greeted by the Hospice Nurse who immediately quits. The family explores the house. Al and Barbara argue. Al talks to his father and notices bruises.
The characters are warned not to do it:
Al is informed that all the hospice nurses are refusing to work in the house. Al decides he will take care of his dying father personally against Barbara’s wishes. He’s warned against it and advised to check the old man into a hospice care facility. The old man refuses to leave.After receiving notification that the University Parapsychology Lab is losing its funding and must close, Professor Tillman decides that it’s time to retire. The Professor tells Abby that it’s time to stop chasing ghosts, or she’ll end up like him, “Unpublished and a laughing stock in the scientific community.”
Denial of Horror:
After the family experiences paranormal activity, Al assures his wife and daughter that the house is safe. He grew up there.Safety taken away:
The family witnesses the old man beaten by an invisible presence and thrown around the room. The teenage daughter records it on her cell phone. They are powerless to stop it.Monster: The nature of the beast:
Abby receives some astonishing footage from the Scheckla house and tries to convince her grandfather to investigate. The Professor declines. Abby and The Paranormal Team “borrows” the Mobile Lab (RV) from the University and heads to the Coast, without the Professor’s approval. One last chance to prove ghosts are real.ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted:
On the first night of the investigation, the house loses power and communication to the outside world, due to a storm. (Thunder, lightning, fog.) Investigators witness balls of light, cold spots and record threatening electronic voice phenomena. Polaroid evidence leads them to a locked office door. Abby senses the presence of female victims and also a male presence that they’re afraid of.The next day, Investigators gain access to Old Man Scheckla’s locked office and discover that the walls are covered in missing person fliers and newspaper articles. Old Man Scheckla reveals he’s been searching for his missing wife and thinks the missing women are related. A map of search locations is revealed.
One of us killed:
While investigating the attic, Noelle (Monster Bait) is viciously attacked and hung by the neck by an unseen presence. It’s a distraction. Barbara Scheckla disappears, along with her luggage and car.The Professor arrives unannounced, sensing his team in danger. (He’s psychic.)
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
Full pursuit by the killer:
While interviewing Old Man Scheckla about his missing wife, the investigators witness the worst attack yet. The old man reveals his theory about Poltergeists and Recurrent Spontaneous Psychokinesis. He’s seen it before. Abby’s childhood trauma is revealed. Abby: I did not kill my parents with telekinesis!Terrorized:
That night, the poltergeist isolates and terrorizes the family and investigators, preying on their fears. Al and Ellie are at odds because they think Barbara has abandoned them. Abby and the Professor are at odds because they disagree on theory. The attacks on the old man are determined to happen at low tide.Old Man Scheckla reveals his story about his missing wife and the man she was having an affair with. Old Man Scheckla suspected the Lover was a serial killer. He also reveals there’s only one spot he hasn’t searched yet.
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death:
The Investigators and Al set out to find the body of the missing wife. Ellie and the Professor agree to stay with her grandfather. The Professor is lured into an attack and is rendered unconscious. He’s finally seen a ghost. Ellie is left alone to defend her helpless grandfather.Al and the investigators discover the burial site. It’s a trap. They are attacked by a variety of ghostly murder victims that emerge from unmarked graves. The evil male entity is protecting its secrets. They find the last unmarked grave, except it’s not the wife. It belongs to her Lover. Evidence on his body reveals that Old Man Scheckla may have murdered him. The investigators salt and burn the body. The evil male entity and the victims disappear. They think it’s over.
Hysteria:
Old Man Scheckla tells Ellie that he can show her a secret place they can hide. Ellie struggles to drag her grandfather to the stair lift. There’s a tense moment as the stair lift slowly descends as the female ghost of the old man’s wife approaches. A secret door in the office is revealed. Abby peers down the stairs. Behind her, Old Man Scheckla stands and shoves her down the stairs.The thrilling escape from death:
Abby discovers the Professor unconscious and helps him recover. Ellie and Old Man are nowhere to be found. Al is dragged to the secret door and down the stairs. The door locks behind him and will not open. Al discovers his father’s secret kill room and all of his murder trophies. Barbara’s dead body is discovered. Old Man Scheckla is found, holding a knife to his granddaughter’s throat. He confesses to Al. He murdered his wife and her lover. He developed a taste for murder, but he’s remorseful. He wants to be stopped. Al talks him into letting Ellie go. The door opens and Abby helps Ellie to safety.Death returns to take one or more:
Old Man Scheckla has been returned to his bed. He’s in bad shape and no longer has the energy to manifest paranormal energy. The Investigators pack their equipment. Finally dying, Old Man Scheckla watches the sun set on Haystack Rock one last time. Al reminisces about the time he helped his dad hide a Time Capsule inside a cave on Hay Stack Rock. Al and his father both see the ghost of Al’s mother. Al realizes it wasn’t a time capsule. It was his mother’s body. In a fit of rage, Al mercy kills his father. The last thing Old Man Scheckla see’s is his dead wife holding the pillow. Once he’s dead. The mom vanishes.Resolution:
The Professor and Abby reconcile and agree that they were both right. The male entity was a psychic manifestation of Old Man Scheckla’s rage. But the female entities, they could have been legitimate incarnate spirits. The Scheckla’s hold three funerals. Due to the publicity, the Investigators receive a call for a new case. -
ROB’S CHARACTERS FOR HORROR
What I learned:
In this lesson, I learned that there are multiple groups of unique characters and a variety of dying patterns to choose from, when crafting your screenplay. I also learned that every decision you make for your screenplay should honor the concept, because the concept is what will sell your screenplay.Concept and the Group I have chosen:
– Concept: A Parapsychologist and his Team investigate the home of an elderly serial killer, haunted by the victims of his past.
– The Group I have chosen is: A Team of Professionals.Dying Pattern of this movie:
I have chosen Dying Pattern B: The characters experience the terror and survive together, but one or two die.Identity and a sentence for each character:
Paranormal Team
– Leader: Professor Daniel Tillman, a Parapsychologist that leads by example. He believes that no one is more important than the team. His team is his family. He has never seen a ghost and believes they do not exist.
– Rebel/Rule Breaker: Abby Tillman, the professor’s granddaughter, is unorthodox and doesn’t believe in rules. She butts heads with her grandfather because she has seen ghosts all her life.
– Complainer: Tommy McClees, the tech specialist, is a total scaredy cat. His girlfriend, Noelle got him into this. He’s an honest guy, full of humor.
– Monster Bait: Noelle Johnson is Tommy’s girlfriend. She loves the paranormal and is the teams researcher. She wants to believe.The Scheckla Family
– The Carrier: Jerry Scheckla, terminally ill, lays haunted on his deathbed. In appearance, he looks like a kind old grandpa. But in reality, he is a dying serial killer with a house full of secrets.
– Introvert/Loner: Jerry Allan Scheckla Jr, or “Al” to his friends, is the only son of the dying old man. He is a man that is shaped by the trauma of losing his mother at a young age. He drowns himself in work to avoid his family. His marriage is on the rocks.
– Innocent: Barbara is married to Al and is the mother of his daughter. She’s worked for years to reconcile the relationship between Al and his dying father. After many years, Barbara is on the verge of leaving her husband.
– Sacrificial Lamb: Ellie is the daughter of Al and Barbara. She loves her grandpa and is deeply affected by his imminent death. She’s fully aware of her parent’s marital problems but distracts herself to cope. A family tradition. -
ROB’S TERRIFYING MONSTER
What I learned doing this assignment: I learned that a great monster must be unique, unknown and Terrifying. I also learned that you may not always know your mythology, but it may not matter until the sequel.
Who/What the Monster is: The monster of this story is a Poltergeist. The physical manifestation of a dying serial killer’s guilt that haunts the house he’s dying in. AKA: Recurrent Spontaneous Psychokinesis. The phenomenon takes the form of a serial killer’s past murder victims.
How does the Monster terrorize: It terrorizes with ghostly apparitions of murder victims, strange noises, pungent smells, moving objects, phantom voices, mysterious floating light orbs and physical violence inflicted by invisible ghosts. When the dying man is challenged with uncomfortable conversation or memories of the past, the paranormal activity spikes.
How does the Monster pursue: The poltergeist pursues from the darkness, attacking from the shadows. It knows what scares you and uses it to its advantage. It uses its invisibility to its benefit and only shows itself when drawing from intense power.
How does the Monster isolate: It waits until you are alone and lures you into dark places.
What is the terrible thing they do: They torment and brutalize an old man on his deathbed. The family is helpless as they watch.
How does the Monster cause death: The poltergeist drives you insane, until you want to die. It can trick you into killing yourself, or trick others into committing murder.
What makes this inescapable: The dying man cannot escape his own guilty conscience, which is manifesting as recurrent spontaneous psychokinesis. He is literally punishing himself and his family, subconsciously. The old man is also bedridden and refuses to leave. he wants to die in his home.
Mystery: How can we stop the paranormal threat before it kills the old man and his family. Secondary Mystery – Discovering that the dying man isn’t a sweet/likeable old grandpa…he’s a dying serial killer.
Fear-Provoking Appearance: The ghostly victims take on a variety of appearances, based on how they died.
– The Wife: A rotting corpse wrapped in tattered gory plastic. This is the old man’s first victim. The mother of his only son. We only see the wife at Low Tide because she’s entombed inside Haystack Rock. The salt water acts as a barrier trapping her until Low Tide.
– The Headless Woman: A decomposed woman that’s missing her head.
– The Jigsaw Lady: A decomposed corpse of a woman, whose arms, legs and head have been severed and stitched back on with other people’s body parts.
– The Doll Lady: A ghostly apparition of a woman whose face has been replaced by a porcelain mask.
– The Dragging Lover: The rotting corpse of the wife’s lover, missing the bottom half of his body. It drags itself across the floor with its arms. He’s missing his tongue.
Their Rules:
Though the murder victims/ghosts appear horrific, they are actually trying to communicate with the family and later the paranormal investigators. Their goal is to reveal the old man for what he is, a killer, and to punish him for his past crimes.
It takes energy for spirits to communicate, which they take from electricity/electronics and also from Limestone/minerals and hydro/geomagnetic energy.
Their Mythology:
Twenty something years ago, A man discovers his wife cheating on him. In a fit of rage, the man murders his wife and her lover. He hides his wife’s body inside a cave on Haystack Rock, with the help of his son, who’s unaware that he’s lugging his mom’s body. The wife’s lover is buried in a separate location.
The man discovers he has a taste for murder and begins abducting unsuspecting female tourists in and around Cannon Beach, Oregon. He targets unfaithful woman, as a way to continue to punish his wife’s infidelity. An urban legend is born from his crime spree and he uses that legend as a way to cover his tracks.
The victims now haunt the killer, who pretends to be a normal old grandpa on his deathbed.
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THE ENTITY – HORROR CONVENTIONS
What I learned: I learned that horror movies are cheap to make and that producers are looking for smart, high concept screenplays with unique monster/villains. I also liked the idea that screenplays are a puzzle that you put together one piece at a time. This resonated with me as an escape room owner.
Title / Concept: The Entity – A Psychiatrist and a group of Parapsychologist investigate a single mother who claims to be tormented and sexually assaulted by an invisible demon.
Terrorize The Characters: A demonic entity stalks and terrorizes a single mother, her children and anyone who gets in its way.
Isolation: The mother and her kids become isolated to their rundown suburban home after no one believes their story. They have no place else to go due to their financial situation.
Death: The threat of death and mental illness increases as the attacks become more and more intense. The entity harms anyone who attempts to interfere.
Monster/Villain: A demonic entity.
High Tension: Paranormal rape that become more and more intense. Escalating tension between Psychiatry and Paranormal Investigation. Is the paranormal real or is the mother mentally ill?
Departure from Reality: The paranormal activity: Disturbing voices, shaking/moving objects that levitate and explode, physical abuse by an unseen demon, unexplainable light phenomenon, temperature fluctuations. The entity follows the mother everywhere she goes.
Moral Statement: Is paranormal activity real or just a symptom of mental illness? Failure to believe a woman’s report of sexual assault.
MY CONCEPT: THE RESONANCE
Concept: A an elderly serial killer on his deathbed and his family are haunted by the victims of his past.
Terrorize The Characters: Character’s experience frightening paranormal phenomenon. Dying old man is brutally attacked, repeatedly, by unseen entities. Family experiences frightening apparitions that are trying to communicate.
Isolation: Remote beach house in Cannon Beach, Oregon.
Death: The old dying man prays for death as the attacks become more and more intense. The family experiences paranormal activity that is increasingly more and more violent.
Monster/Villain: Lady in White, Various Ghostly Victims, The Bandage Man.
High Tension: The characters will witness escalating paranormal attacks and ghostly apparitions attempting to communicate. Family struggles with watching the torment of their sweet, dying grandfather. Oldest son will be pushed to the brink of insanity when it’s revealed the dying old man was a serial killer.
Departure from Reality: The house appears to be haunted. Paranormal Investigators will document science based paranormal evidence that is increasingly more frightening. Investigation will reveal that the haunting is a physical manifestation of the old man’s guilt and that he was a serial killer. Based on the theory that Poltergeist are actually RSPK (recurrent spontaneous psychokinesis.)
Moral Statement: How well do you really know your parents? Is paranormal activity real? Can confessing your biggest secrets clear your conscience before you die?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by Rob Bertrand.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by Rob Bertrand.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by
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Greetings everyone!
1. My name is Robert Bertrand. My friends call me Rob.
2. I’ve written 6 feature screenplays, and 2 short films. I’m most proud of my screenplay, The Skyway, which is based on the true story of DB Cooper.
3. My favorite genre is horror/thriller, so I’m hoping to sharpen my skills, with a focus on better dialogue and unique characters.
4. Something unique about me? I own an internationally famous Escape Room business called NW Escape Experience. We are famous for capturing a burglar. He broke in, got trapped inside and had to call 911 for help. The story went viral worldwide and culminated in being featured as a Jeopardy question with Alex Trebek.
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Hi Bob,
Just gave your 10 pages a read. I feel like all the lessons are there. I think what I love most about your script is how classic it feels. It’s a real throwback to a golden age. Everything is there and I really get a sense of where the story is headed by page 10. I think my only critique would be your character descriptions. Currently, they don’t tell me much about your characters. For example, when we first meet Marlene Dietrich, all we know is she is on the microphone. I’d describe her essence more. Maybe with her experience she has the audience in the palm of her hand? Same goes for Jannings…When we first meet him, all we know is he’s carrying an Oscar statue. What does he look like? Is there fear in his eyes? Are his clothes old and worn out? Or did he put on his finest threads? I want to know more!
Can’t wait to read the whole script!
Rob
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Yes, Danny and Annie meet online in the beginning. After she rejects him, Danny starts living in her walls while pretending to be the ghost of Annie’s dead mom.
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Danny is taken into custody after the climax of the story, but he escapes custody. The ending is to signify that Danny has become obsessed with a new family and that he will continue to “haunt” houses as a living person. Setting up a sequel, yes. But I also feel like it stands on its own
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Hey Bob,
Great scene! Like to warring enemies shaking hands after a hard fought battle. I like that they find some common ground. I think my only critique is it’s all dialogue and no action. Not that it needs a ton of action. The place it feels most necessary is when Jannings is angry with himself over his accent. Maybe Janning’s could show a little anger towards himself. Just a thought.
Great job as always,
Rob Bertrand
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Thanks Bob, I always appreciate your feedback. I’m looking forward to reading your full script soon. We’re getting close!
Rob
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Thanks for your feedback, Janeen. I just finished the first lesson of the Subtext module. With that and your feedback, I will make the scene 100x better. Thanks again!
Rob
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Thanks Bob. I’ll fix the typos. I wrote this on the fly between holiday functions. I appreciate your support!
Rob
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Hi Elizabeth,
My apologies. I was offline most of today. You can reach me at
Thanks,
Rob
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Hey Elizabeth,
Wow, this one really resonated with me. My grandfather spent the last remaining years of his life in a retirement community. I was alway fascinated by the little clicks that formed around the facility and was always bummed when we lost someone.
Your character Ed is wonderful and I could clearly visualize his trip through the elderly obstacle course in front of him. Each character description flowed well and gave me a good sense of what they were about. I think my only feedback would be for Ed and his anxiety as he keeps getting pulled in different directions with people. You may want to show some physical signs of his anxiety. Like fingernails digging into his palm. Or a scowl forming on his face unknowingly. Part of that defensive avoidance thing…
Overall, I loved it. Great job!
Rob
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Nice to meet you Elizabeth. I’m always down to network with my fellow screenwriters. I’ll track down your scene and give some feedback. Definitely add me to your critique partner list!
– Rob
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Hey Bob,
Nice to see this story taking shape! Jannings is a very interesting character and I loved the moment he walked out of the darkness….holding an oscar. I also get the feeling that he’s desperate to get what he wants/needs. All of the standards are there and it’s a wonderful set up to the flashback story.
Just a few ideas I had while reading….I think Jannings would use his acting skill and reputation to try and bully the guards to get what he wants. “Don’t you know who I am?” Maybe the conflict comes when the two MP’s don’t believe him. Jannings would demand to speak to their superior. As an actor myself….I don’t think an actor would admit to being down on their luck. I think the subtext could be Janning and Kershaw both knowing that Janning’s is washed up….but Janning’s plays it like he’s still on top. I like the idea of him claiming to have been held prisoner and made the propaganda against his will. Just my two cents.
looking forward to reading more!
Rob
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Hey Bob,
Thank you very much. I’d be happy to give you feedback. I’m on it….
Rob
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Hey Jeneen,
Wow….you really knocked this out of the park! All of the 9 points were well crafted. Your characters feel real and their motivations feel true. Below is my stream of thoughts as I was reading your outline, in real time.
* Something as simple as the kids not being bed setting off Daniel feels very real. This instantly sets Daniel up to be a scary villain. I hate him already!
* I’m curious what brought Morgan to the Woman’s Shelter?
* I was confused on what Silva was at first. It might help to explain what Silva is and how it’s practiced, early in the script.
* This domestic violence is going to be hard to watch. Very powerful! Ah no! Not the kids too!
* Just an idea…it might be fun to see Morgan testing out her hypnosis skills on other people, before attempting to help a domestic violence victim. Maybe she practices on her husband? Or someone in public…
* I’m really digging the ethical questions this story raises. Is it abuse? Was it self defense? These are questions that your viewers will ponder over drinks after watching your movie. The best movies keep you thinking long after the movie is over.
* I really hope Daniel gets his comeuppance!
* Damn! She killed him! The sweet way she made him desert, only to stab him later was terrifying, yet deserved.
Overall, this really struck a chord with me. Great job! I can’t wait to see some fully written scenes.
Thanks,
Rob Bertrand
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Thanks Bob! It definitely has a modern day Psycho feel to it. I’ll take that a huge compliment. My plan is to reveal a lot of Danny’s backstory after he’s arrested, through dialogue with the Police Detective. The real Danny Laplante came from a broken home and was sexually abused by his psychiatrist. He developed a fondness for breaking into homes and playing mind games with the occupants.
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Thanks Janeen! All valid points! I’ll use your notes to improve my next version of the outline. I’m going to read your outline and get you some feedback tonight.
Much thanks,
Rob
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Thanks so much! I’m going to really think on this and work it into my next round. Much thanks!!!
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Hi Armand!
As a huge slasher fan, I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed your concept. The idea of a slasher victim coming back as a ghost to try and help a new batch of victims survive another rampage from a killer, feels very fresh and original. The concept has my mind reeling with questions! And that’s a good thing!
I love the idea that your protagonist is a coward and actually abandons his friend to try and save himself. It will make his redemption so much more fulfilling. Making the final girl, tough as nails and ready for round 2 is a fun idea as well. The only character I want to know more about is the actual killer. Who is he/she? What’s their story? Is learning who the killer is part of the story? Is the killer a flesh and blood human? Or are they supernatural in some way? I also think it’s really important to set your ground rules for what the ghost can and can’t do.
Your 9 Point Story Structure tells a compelling story. I think it will become even better when you create an interesting mythology for your killer. It could be an added mystery for your protagonist to discover.
Great job!
Rob Bertrand
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Hey John ,
Here’s the feedback I promised. I really love your SLW. I’m a sucker for road trip movies, as well as a sucker for crazy uncle movies. This concept is right up my alley.
Concept: The concept is really strong and the protagonist’s objective is clearly set up.
Characters: Jack seems like the kind of Uncle that a pair of young kids might be drawn to. He’s a little bit dangerous and a little bit cool. I wonder if the kids will be let down when they find out he’s just a normal guy, with everyday problems. Both kids are nephews…I wonder if they’re might be some drama/comedy to mine from changing one of the kids to a girl?
9 Beat Structure: The more I read this, the more I like it. Feels like a cross between Uncle Buck and Planes, Trains and Automobiles. It has the right amount of heart and comedy. I guess my only idea that pops up is the lack of a heavy antagonist. The SLW mentions a Don Vito, so I’m guessing you have a plan for that. Usually in these types of movies, you have some sort of henchman on their trail…maybe keeping an eye on the situation? I’m looking forward to watching this project grow!
Great job!
Rob Bertrand
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Hi Armand. Sure, I’d be happy to trade reviews. I’ll find yours and review as soon as possible.
Rob
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Thanks for your help, Bob.
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I just posted my Version 3 on page 2 of this thread. Please review that one. I’ll wait for your version 2. Thanks!
Rob
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Hey Bob, here’s my feedback for your SLW dated 10/1/21.
Logline: I feel this is the only section that really needs improvement. The story concept is amazing. I really love me some true stories!! Maybe it’s the brackets that are throwing me off here.
Lead Characters: The characters feel fully realized and perfectly capture the dramatic triangle. I wonder if Dietrich knows what she’s doing and is using the situation to her benefit? Who is the antagonist in this story?
Outline:
– I love that Jannings is jealous of Dietrich’s talent from the start. It’s like following the trajectory of two stars in the sky. One’s a falling star, while the other’s a shooting star.
– The midpoint strangulation scene is so good! So much subtext here.
– Crisis: I wonder what makes Jannings feel like he has no future in Hollywood? Does he lose faith in himself after the experience on The Blue Angel? Is he told this by someone important?
Overall, this is a fantastic start and I’m looking forward to seeing this project develop.
thanks,
Rob Bertrand
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Thanks Bob. I’m reading your outline now. I’ll post feedback soon.
P.S. The woman in white is actually Danny, wearing a wig and the dead mom’s wedding dress. This actually happened in real life. I’ll make that clear in my 3rd version outline.
– Rob
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Hi John, I’d be willing to give you feedback on version 1, if you haven’t already received it. In return, would you be willing to review my SLW version 2?
– Rob
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Hey Jim,
Here’s your feedback.
Concept: I found your concept exciting and engaging.
Plot Choice: These seem to fit. I personally hadn’t considered using more than one plot choice, but it works.
Characters: You have a clear antangonist and protagonist. Side characters are interesting and all have distinct traits.
Character Structure: This is missing from your SLW, but it’s clearly a Protagonist vs. Antagonist situation.
Character arc: This feels very thought out. I can already see this character in my mind. I’m very curious as to how the character became this way. Not much to give feedback on here…
Main Conflict: I know that the Antagonist’s motivation is pretty clear. I might give some indication as to what the Protagonist is doing. Why is he a threat? Why is he using a dirty bomb? Is he just a terrorist, or did something happen to make him want revenge?
Dramatic Question, Main Conflict, Dilemma: You have one sentence answering these three questions. I think you need to break them up and answer them individually.
Theme: I feel this theme is pretty universal and something we can all relate to.
Plot in Structure: It looks like you listed your entire outline. I believe we were only supposed to list our 9 Beat Structure only. (your 9 beat structure, one sentence per beat.) Be that as it may, your outline is a really solid start! And it was here that I learned the Antagonists reasons for being bad. My only feedback for the SLW Plot Structure is to pair it down to the essence of the scene. I believe we’re going to get more in detail down the road.
Over all, this is exciting and fun. Kinda reminds me of a modern day War Games. Which is a good thing!
thanks,
Rob
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Hey Jim, I’m going to give feedback on your version 2. Looks like you’re done with version 1.
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Thank you!
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Absolutely. I’ll dive into your SLW tonight and try and get you feedback by tomorrow. Thanks!
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Hi Nadia,
Invitation received! I look forward to exchanging outline’s.
– Rob
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It was the best advertising I never had to pay for. Just google escape room burglar and you can read all about it. 🙂
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It’s definitely on my list of ideas.