Robert Barhite
Forum Replies Created
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• Title: Malum
• Genre: Comedy/Thriller
• Logline: After being released from prison, a bartender allows his establishment used as for money laundering by The Mob – the very people who sent him to jail. When a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity arises, he teams with his lover, the sheriff, and concocts a plan to steal $60 million in cash before a hurricane makes landfall.
Act 1:
INT. BAR – DAY
Opening: To get back in the good graces of the Mob (and get revenge), The Bartender has allowed is establishment to be used as a money laundering facility. Beginning: Staying behind to use his bar as a shelter from the hurricane
INT. OFFICE, BAR – NIGHT
Inciting Incident: In two weeks a mob Lieutenant is coming for the monthly pickup of cash. The Sheriff plans to arrest him and trick him into snitching on who set up her lover/partner The Bartender
INT. BAR, DAY
The Cook becomes agitated as more people seek shelter at the bar. He’s convinced they’re out to get him.
EXT. CAUSEWAY, DAY
A fallen angel, the Stranger tracked the Evil to the island.
INT. OFFICE, BAR – DAY
Change of plan – due to a hurricane the Boss himself is coming for a pickup in five days.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
The Stranger arrives and calls The Bartender by name without being introduced.
INT. SHERIFF PATROL CAR – DAY
The Sheriff and a deputy go door-to-door, making sure residents have left the island before the hurricane hits.
EXT. SHERIFF PATROL CAR – DAY
On their way to take shelter in the bar, the deputy is killed when the church steeple collapses onto his patrol car.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
The Stranger tells the Cook he’s on his side
Act 2:
INT. OFFICE, BAR – DAY
New plan: Scam the Mob Boss into believing he’s caught in an FBI set-up.
INT. SHERIFF PATROL CAR – DAY
Plan in action: Recruit past associates and trusted allies to help with the new plan – make sure the Mob Boss is trapped by the hurricane then trick him into snitching out the rat who set up the Bartender.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
The Stranger approaches the Bartender and confesses his identity – he’s an Angel and spills his guts. He needs help to destroy the Evil.
INT. BAR – DAY
The Sheriff recognizes the Husband as a hitman, and she warns the Bartender.
EXT. BAR – DAY
The Cook sees the Husband killed but can’t see who the murderer is. He’s too afraid to say anything
Act 3:
INT. SHERIFF OFFICE –
Rethink everything: The Sheriff is contacted by the FBI. They’re on their way to bust the bar and arrest everyone. Someone is a snitch.
EXT. SHERIFF CAR – DAY
New plan: Find the damn snitch before the FBI arrives.
INT. BAR – DAY
The Cook is the first to realize the Stranger is hunting the killer. He’s not the murderer and needs all the help he can get.
EXT. CAUSEWAY – DAY
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: The storm wrecks the only way off the island. They’re trapped.
EXT. BEACH – DAY
The Husband is found dead.
INT. OFFICE, BAR – NIGHT
Someone is killing everyone in the bar. She teams up with the Bartender to hunt the killer.
INT. BASEMENT, BAR – NIGHT
Dilemma: Is there another hitman on the island or at the bar?
EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE BAR – NIGHT
Storm moving in. Lightning. The Stranger realizes the Evil isn’t any one person – it’s taken control of everyone and intentionally brought them together to be killed as entertainment.
Act 4:
INT. BAR – DAY
Final plan: Tell the Mob Boss that the whole thing is an FBI setup organized by one of his lieutenants and coerce The Mob Boss into ratting out the rat during their treacherous “escape.”
EXT. STREET – DAY
The Priest attacks the Stranger. The Stranger kills him in self-defense. As the Priest lays dying, the Stranger refuses to absolve the Priest of sin, thereby condemning him to Hell.
INT. BAR – DAY
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: They trick the Snitch into revealing herself – it’s the Wife half of the team the Bartender recruited. Gunfight.
EXT. BAR – DAY
The Bartender, along with the Sheriff, the Cook and the Stranger, defeat the Evil which brought everyone together.
EXT. STREET – DAY
The Cook is absolved of sin by The Stranger before he dies.
INT. BAR – DAY
Resolution: The FBI arrive, and Mob Boss and The Snitch are arrested.
EXT. STREET – DAY
The Bartender and the Sheriff leave town with half of the laundered cash, which was hidden in the Sheriff’s car. The rest is given to the townsfolk to help rebuild the island.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
The Stranger doesn’t earn back his wings and he leaves town.
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Bob’s Budget
What I learned doing this assignment is… a small budget forces a writer to focus on the characters and conflicts rather than be Michael Bay. The story always comes first.
MAIN VARIABLES
• Number of Locations
o LOW: Bar interior, Bar exterior, Car exterior/driving (B roll), Car outside a run-down shack (B roll), Beach exterior
o $$$$: INT: Bar, INT: Bar basement, EXT: Bar, INT: Ritzy hotel room, EXT Car driving (B roll), EXT: Car outside a run-down shack (B roll), EXT: Beach, EXT: Causeway, EXT Police
• Expensive locations
o None, the more run-down the better
o $$$$: Ritzy hotel, high-end bar, Beach scene – Hawaii
• Number of characters
o Four principals, maybe a couple bar flies, and maybe a couple VO
o $$$$: show the final mob scene rather than do it as a VO, people on the beach, people at the hotel, three or four sheriffs.
• Special effects
o INT: Approaching hurricane thru the bar windows, EXT: Rain outside bar. Fake gun shot/murder
o EXT: Hurricane (flying debris, trees, etc…)
• Number of pages
o 75-85
o $$$$: 120
• Crowd scenes
o None
o $$$$: People scurrying about, evacuating the island.
• Stunts, Chase scenes, and Fight scenes
o Maybe one fight scene between The Lieutenant and the Bartender and The Bagwoman as they try to escape.
o $$$$: Car Chase – The Lieutenant chases The Bartender and The Bagwoman. The Lieutenant crashes on the causeway and rolls into the ocean.
• Special sets
o None
o $$$$: INT airplane first class cabin, INT terminal, INT: storm prediction center
SECONDARY VARIABLES
• Rights to music, brands, books, etc.
o Beer tappers. No books. Original music – simple arrangements.
o $$$$: Use music from The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, etc. in the soundtrack.
• Explosions and Firearm
o None. The destruction of the bar is a VO. No gunfights.
o $$$$: Gunfight between the Lieutenant and The Bartender right before the bar is set to explode (ticking clock). The Lieutenant is blown thru the bar door when the bomb detonates.
• Kids — shorter work days, tutor on the set
o None
o $$$$: A school bus of kids being loaded and evacuated. A family with kids trapped in the bar.
• Animals – need a wrangler, more time to shoot, Humane Society
o None
o $$$$: Stray dog running thru the streets as the hurricane hits
• Weather — Rain, snow, wind, tornados.
o Rain in Act 4 as The Diamond Man leaves, then when the Lieutenant races away.
• Water and underwater scenes
o None
o $$$$: Car sinking in the ocean as The Lieutenant tries to escape it
• Night scenes
o Simple EXT shot of the bar and the hotel with lightning
o $$$$: Hold the evacuation at night.
• Helicopters, aircraft, drone shots
o B roll of The Bartender’s car on a highway (day shot)
o $$$$: National Guard helicopters arriving at the island
• Green screen work
o None
o $$$$: Use Pixomondo’s Toronto stage in place of actual locations.
• Extensive Make-up
o None
o $$$$: Gunfight aftermath
• Archival Footage
o None
o $$$$: Pond5 – news story about a hurricane, show not as a VO, Hurricane damage, etc…
• Anything else dangerous that increases preparation time and/or Insurance.
o None
o $$$$: Actor trapped in a car underwater. Buildings collapse as The Bartender and The Bagwoman race away. Falling power lines.
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Bob Writes Great Hope/Fear!
What I learned doing this assignment is…it needed reworking before outlining. Way too many characters for a confined story. The Hope/Fear exercise is a great tool to use prior to outlining. Great tool to locate plot holes.
ACT 1:
In Plain Sight
HOPE: Years ago, The Bartender worked for the mob until The Bartender was set up and spent ten years in the slammer. And his “reward” for staying silent – a bar on a tiny costal island. A decade later, the bar is used as an out-of-the-way location where contraband safely changes hands. But the time has come to determine who set him up, and he has a person on the inside, The Bagperson (his ex-girlfriend), who is willing to help.
FEAR: Can The Bagperson truly be trusted.
Ticking Clock
HOPE: The Bartender and The Bagperson concoct a plan to steal $50 million in cash when diamonds are fenced to a buyer from Antwerp. The plan was to blow up the bar, making it look like an accident and they were killed, allowing them to escape with the money.
FEAR: Their plan doesn’t buy them enough time and they’re discovered.
Threat
HOPE: Nothing can go wrong even if the con job is discovered.
FEAR: The Bagperson arrives, accompanied by The Lieutenant.
Fear
HOPE: A tropical storm turns toward the island.
FEAR: The tropical storm hits before they can put their plan into motion.
Helpless
HOPE: The Bartender knows the Lieutenant. They used to work together. The Lieutenant is a blunt force of nature, but not terribly swift minded.
FEAR: The Lieutenant recognizes The Bartender.
ACT 2:
Out of control situation
HOPE: They can use the storm as cover to escape.
FEAR: The Diamond Cutter is late, delaying their plan.
Trapped
HOPE: They can act before The Diamond Cutter arrives.
FEAR: The Lieutenant will stall and uncover their plan.
Adrenaline
HOPE: The Diamond Cutter with the cash arrives
FEAR: The Lieutenant will act on his plan before their plan can go into motion
Could attack at any moment
HOPE: The storm, now a hurricane, will force the Lieutenant to leave the island before putting his plan into motion.
FEAR: The meeting the Lieutenant sets up is a trap.
Teamwork
HOPE: They approach the Diamond Cutter and broach whether he will join them
FEAR: He turns them in to The Lieutenant.
ACT 3:
Person on the edge
HOPE: The Lieutenant gives up on his plan and leaves due to the impending hurricane
FEAR: He just kills everyone and takes the money and diamonds.
Ticking clock
HOPE: They can use the threat of the hurricane to begin their fleece of the Lieutenant.
FEAR: The hurricane threatens to wipe out their only means to leave the island, stranding them with The Lieutenant, a known killer.
Impending doom
HOPE: The hurricane is just off shore. The Bartender explains what will happen next – when the storm subsides first FEMA then the Nation Guard will arrive. They convince the Lieutenant to make the exchange.
FEAR: The Lieutenant doesn’t listen, risking everyone.
Helpless
HOPE: Power is cut, which provides just enough cover for the Lieutenant not to notice he has a bag of glass.
FEAR: Their plan unravels, the Diamond Cutter double crosses them!
Not sure who or what the real threat is!
HOPE: The Diamond Cutter really is in on the con.
FEAR: The Diamond Cutter is working with the Lieutenant.
ACT 4:
Dangerous
HOPE: The Diamond Cutter announces they’re being double crossed and “kills” the Bagperson.
FEAR: The Lieutenant really kills the Bagperson.
Controlled chaos
HOPE: In the chaos, The Bartender switches out the diamonds and the money. In the confusion The Diamond Cutter leaves and informs his side the Lieutenant double crossed them and stole everything.
FEAR: They’re caught. Or worse, the Diamond Cutter kills them all.
Destruction
HOPE: The Bartender uses the hurricane as a means to destroy the bar and fake their deaths.
FEAR: The bar isn’t destroyed, allowing the Mob to find the con artists.
Escape
HOPE: The Lieutenant makes it to the mainland. The bar is destroyed.
FEAR: The Lieutenant is arrested. The bar doesn’t explode.
We Win
HOPE: The bar burns. The Bartender and The Bagperson are presumed dead, their bodies washed out to sea as the storm surge recedes. The Mob catches up with the Lieutenant and discovers he has the bag of glass and a suitcase of paper. They believe he’s hiding everything. It doesn’t end well. Mob happy to get rid of him – dumb, ambitious, short temper = bad news.
Six months later, on a tropical beach, The Bartender and The Bagperson hear “Excuse me, do you need ice in your drinks” and two perfectly cut diamonds are dropped into their drinks by The Diamond Cutter, who joins them.
FEAR: The Lieutenant convinces the Mob that he’s a patsy and they’re able to track down The Bartender, The Bagperson, and The Diamond Man.
FADE TO BLACK
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Bob’s 4 Act Structure
What I learned doing this assignment is the story works better as a comedy than a supernatural thriller. Need to continuously review and revise the 4 Act Structure to clear up plot holes prior to outlining.
Concept: To avenge a double cross by the Mob, the Bartender reunites with his ex-partner, now a Sheriff, to steal $60 million from the Mob and send the Boss responsible for the double cross to jail before the pair’s true identities are discovered.
Main Conflict: The Bartender and The Sheriff recruit ex-Mob members to help, but one of them is an FBI informant. They race the clock to scam the Mob and escape before a hurricane crashes down.
Act 1:
• Opening: To get back in the good graces of the Mob (and get revenge), The Bartender has allowed is establishment to be used as a money laundering facility.
• Inciting Incident: In two weeks a mob Lieutenant is coming for the monthly pickup of cash. The Sheriff plans to arrest him and trick him into snitching on who set up her lover/partner The Bartender.
• Turning Point: Change of plan – due to a hurricane the Boss himself is coming for a pickup in five days.
Act 2:
• New plan: Scam the Mob Boss into believing he’s caught in an FBI set-up.
• Plan in action: Recruit past associates and trusted allies to help with the new plan – make sure the Mob Boss is trapped by the hurricane then trick him into snitching out the rat who set up the Bartender.
• Midpoint Turning Point: A Stranger arrives who seems to know everything.
Act 3:
• Rethink everything: The Sheriff is contacted by the FBI. They’re on their way to bust the bar and arrest everyone. Someone is a snitch.
• New plan: Find the damn snitch before the FBI arrives.
• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: The storm wrecks the only way off the island. They’re trapped.
Act 4:
• Final plan: Tell the Mob Boss that the whole thing is an FBI setup organized by one of his lieutenants and coerce The Mob Boss into ratting out the rat during their treacherous “escape.”
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: They trick the Snitch into revealing themselves – it’s the Husband-and-Wife team the Bartender recruited.
• Resolution: The FBI arrive, and Mob Boss and The Snitch are arrested. The Bartender and the Sheriff leave town with half of the laundered cash. The rest is given to the townsfolk to help rebuild the island.
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Bob’s Delivering Multiple Layers!
What I learned doing this assignment is… that by discovering multiple layers I found different directions the story can go. There’s potential to be a story like “The Sting.” There’s a possibility of being a straight-up action thriller. I still like the original idea of a supernatural thriller, but not as much as when I started working on it. Right now I see it moving towards a mystery like “And Then There Were None” and lose the supernatural stuff.
ASSIGNMENT
1. Brainstorm potential plot layers.
Surface Layer: The bar is being used as an emergency shelter from an impending hurricane.
Beneath That: The basement is a money laundering facility.
How Revealed: The Husband and the Wife watch as the Bartender and Sheriff fill duffel bags with money.
2. Brainstorm potential character layers.
Surface Layer: The Husband and Wife are brother and sister.
Beneath That: They each plan to double cross each other.
How Revealed: The Wife and the Husband kill each other.
3. Brainstorm potential location layers.
Surface Layer: The bar is a cover for money laundering.
Beneath That: The Bartender is an FBI informant and it’s a sting operation.
How Revealed: The FBI sting is a double cross
set up by the Bartender and the Sheriff -
Bob’s Character Journeys!
What I learned doing this assignment is that in order to have a strong, entertaining story then each of the principal characters need a strong, three-act journey. The story is starting to come into focus.
The Bartender
Beginning: Staying behind to use his bar as a shelter from the hurricane.
Turning Point: The Stranger arrives and calls him by name without being introduced.
Midpoint: The Sheriff learns the Husband is hunting the Bartender.
Turning Point 2: The Husband is found dead.
Dilemma: Is there another hitman on the island or at the bar?
3rd Act Climax: The Bartender, along with the Sheriff, the Cook and the Stranger, defeat the Evil which brought everyone together.
Ending: The Bartender and the Sheriff agree to stay and help the town rebuild.
The Sheriff
Beginning: The Sheriff and a deputy go door-to-door, making sure residents have left the island before the hurricane hits. On their way to take shelter in the bar, the deputy is killed when the church steeple collapses onto his patrol car.
Turning Point: The Sheriff recognizes the Husband as a hitman, and she warns the Bartender.
Midpoint: The Sheriff learns the Husband is hunting the Bartender.
Turning Point 2: Someone is killing everyone in the bar. She teams up with the Bartender to hunt the killer.
3rd Act Climax: The Bartender, along with the Sheriff, the Cook and the Stranger, defeat the Evil which brought everyone together.
Ending: The Bartender and the Sheriff agree to stay and help the town rebuild.
The Cook
Beginning: The Cook becomes agitated as more people seek shelter at the bar. He’s convinced they’re out to get him.
Turning Point: The Stranger tells the Cook he’s on his side.
Midpoint: The Cook sees the Husband killed but can’t see who the murderer is.
Turning Point 2: The Cook is the first to realize the Stranger is hunting the killer. He’s not the murderer and needs all the help he can get.
3rd Act Climax: The Bartender, along with the Sheriff, the Cook and the Stranger, defeat the Evil which brought everyone together.
Ending: The Cook is absolved of sin before he dies.
The Stranger
Beginning: A fallen angel, the Stranger tracked the Evil to the island.
Turning Point: The Priest attacks the Stranger. The Stranger kills him in self-defense. As the Priest lays dying, the Stranger refuses to absolve the Priest of sin, thereby condemning him to Hell.
Midpoint: The Stranger approaches the Bartender and confesses his identity – he’s an Angel and spills his guts. He needs help to destroy the Evil.
Turning Point 2: The Stranger realizes the Evil isn’t any one person – it’s taken control of everyone and intentionally brought them together to be killed as entertainment.
3rd Act Climax: The Bartender, along with the Sheriff, the Cook and the Stranger, defeat the Evil which brought everyone together.
Ending: The Stranger doesn’t earn back his wings and he leaves town.
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Bob’s Character Depth!
What I learned doing this assignment is – All the other character stories are more intertwined than I initially saw. In addition, I was missing the “mysterious stranger” red herring trope which is needed for a story like this.
1. With each of your characters, go through all these questions to see which might fit your story.
The Bartender
· Secret: He stole from the mob
· Wound: To keep his family safe, he abandoned his wife and kids
· Layers: He was a mob accountant
· Intrigue: He knows everybody’s dirty laundry and can use that to protect himself if need be.
· Dilemma: Stay behind, help keep everyone safe and risk being discovered, or escape while there’s time.
· Conspiracy – The Bartender and The Sheriff were in the mob together.
· Secret Identity: He was a mob accountant, which risks everyone’s safety.
The Cook
· Motivation: External – to be alone. Internal – to find peace for his crimes.
· Secret: He knows the Bartender is being hunted by the mob.
· Wound: His role commanding troops to commit a Mỹ Lai-type massacre.
· Subtext: PTSD and the impact of the hurricane as it attacks the island.
· Layers: A sharpshooter.
· Dilemma: Can he pick up a gun and defend the Bartender
The Sheriff
· Secret: The Sheriff and the Bartender were in the mob together and she helped him embezzle and escape.
· Wound: Abandoned by her parents. Grew up as an orphan.
· Conflict: How to ensure her own safety vs. any feelings for the Bartender.
· Dilemma: When push comes to shove, can she be a true sheriff
· Secret Identity: She was an FBI informant. Even the Bartender was unaware.
The Priest
· Motivation: Internal – Is God real? Is he on the path to enlightenment?
· Secret: He knows about the Bartender and Sheriff’s connection.
· Wound: He was abused.
· Subtext: He’s afraid his abuser is still on the island. If so, can he use the hurricane to cover murder (God’s wrath)?
· Conflict: Should he turn in his friends
· Dilemma: His affair with a parishioner versus his vows
The Blogger
· Motivation: External – career success at any cost
· Secret: She knows about the Bartender and the Sheriff
· Hidden Agenda: She plans to reveal her secret on a live podcast.
· Dilemma: If she exposes the Bartender and the Sheriff, will that shine a light on her previous work which is mostly built on lies? But exposing them will lead to more followers and gain her more influence.
The Barfly
· Motivation: Internal – to be loved.
· Secret: Having an affair with the Banker.
· Wound: Husband abused her.
· Hidden Agenda: Steal the money the Banker has embezzled and then ditch him.
· Conspiracy: The Banker will divorce his wife and the two will leave town.
· Secret Identity: she killed her husband.
The Alcoholic
· Motivation: External – literally just to score another drink
· Secret: He realizes the Husband (The Tourist Family) as a mob lieutenant.
· Wound: His wife and young child died in a car accident. Although he was cleared of causing the accident, he blames himself.
· Layers: He was an FBI agent until the accident.
· Dilemma: Should he turn in the mob lieutenant?
· Secret Identity: He’s seen as just a drunk but is the town’s Sufi.
The Banker
· Motivation: GREED
· Secret: He’s having an affair with the Barfly
· Layers: It’s not the first time he’s embezzled and ran off with a woman, and then kill them. Current wife was his admin assistant.
· Hidden Agenda: He plans to leave town with the Barfly, then kill her.
· Conspiracy: The Barfly plans to run away with him. Just one final hit on the bank during the hurricane.
The Town Karen
· Motivation: Internal – She’s a narcissist.
· Secret: Having an affair with the Priest.
· Wound: Only child. Very spoiled. Controlling mother.
· Hidden Agenda: The Blogger knows about the affair. The Town Karen believes the Blogger’s special event podcast will reveal the affair. Karen’s goal – stop the Blogger at all costs.
The Husband and Wife
Motivation: Internal – The marriage is falling apart. He wants to save it.
Secret: The Wife’s secret – The Husband isn’t the father of the Oldest Daughter. The father is the Husband’s brother. The Husband’s secret – he slept with the Town Karen.
Conflict: The Husband – how to fulfill their assignment.
Hidden Agenda: The Wife has been paid to take out the Husband.
Conspiracy: Do they approach the Sheriff, who doesn’t seem like law enforcement.
Dilemma: Kill the Bartender without the Sheriff knowing.
Secret Identity: They work for the mob.
The Stranger
Motivation: External – to survive the storm.
Secret: Fallen angel roaming Earth for centuries
Layers: He was the Grand Inquisitor’s assassin during the Spanish Inquisition
Conflict: God vs. his doubt of religion
Hidden Agenda: To earn his way back into God’s graces.
Dilemma: Whether to reveal himself to the Preacher
Secret Identity: He’s a fallen angel.
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Bob’s Right Characters
What I learned doing this assignment is… whether each character is needed. Usually, I do this during the rewrite process, but by doing this up front strengthens the first draft.
Contained Characters:
The Bartender: He’s a typical
bartender – listens to everyone’s tale of woe and knows everyone’s dirty
laundry.The Cook: older, military vet,
PTST, anger issues, likes to be left alone so having a bar full of people
when the island should be empty is irritating. His secret – his role in a
Mỹ Lai-type massacre.The Sheriff: She’s new on the
job and the only person on the island she really knows is the bartender –
they have a relationship dating back to before she moved to the island,
possible “Bonnie & Clyde” type past.The Priest: He knows the secret
past of the Bartender and the Sheriff. His secret – an affair with the Barfly.
His secret – failed to report child abuse.The Blogger: A typical
20-something. Crime-of-the-week popular blogger. Ignorant of the world
but believes he knows everything. Just moved to town. Followed the
Sheriff, believes she’s actually a bank robber (and he’s right). His secret – he doesn’t truly investigate his stories and quite
often makes up evidence. Following the Sheriff is his first real stab at
journalism.The Barfly: Hangs out at the bar
24/7. The Banker is planning to ditch his wife and run away with her. Her
secret – she plans on stealing what he’s embezzled and ditching him.The Alcoholic: He’s Sufi – the only
person in the bar who figures out the reason everyone is trapped from the start. No one
listens to him since he’s the town drunk. He knows the Banker is embezzling
and planning to run away with the Barfly. His secret – he has no agenda
other than scoring another drink.The Banker: Richest person in
town. Family man, at least on the surface. Hates his wife and family.
Sees them as an anchor. Plans to escape with the Barfly. His secret – He
plans to kill the Barfly and use the hurricane as a way to cover up his
crime.The Town Karen: A living trope.
Always in everyone’s business. Angry. Her secret – she’s having an affair
with the Priest, among others.The tourist family: Mom, Dad,
two teens. They missed the last ferry to the mainland. Mom and Dad – trip
one last attempt to patch up a rocky marriage, but so far it’s an epic
fail. Once back home they plan to split up. Dad’s second secret: While looking
for an open gas station the night before taking shelter in the bar, he
met the Town Karen and they had a quickie. Mom’s secret – Dad is not the
father of their oldest daughter. His brother is the father.Satan: One of the refugees
is Satan. The puzzle they must solve is which one is Satan and how do you
destroy evil? Even Satan has a secret – He’s never killed anyone. He
doesn’t have to because Humankind is too willing to do his dirty work.
All he does is sit back and watch the show. It’s Satan who brought everybody
together. -
Robert Barhite’s Great Hook!
A. How did this process work for you? Of course, all my ideas are perfect 😊 A couple really stand out though, and this exercise helped to focus on which one I intend to use for the class.
B. What did you learn doing this assignment? I think writing several 48 Hour shorts conditioned me to focus on writing contained shorts. One year all we had available was a parking lot and a lounge. Another time we just had one actor – that was fun because we used green screens and had several versions of the same character interact.
1. Taking your 5 ideas from the Pre-Lesson, use the techniques below to brainstorm possible major hooks.
A. Intriguing Contained Setting:
A bar in a desolate island village, cut off from the mainland as a Cat 5
hurricane comes ashore.B. Unique Device: Cat 5 hurricane
makes landfall.C. Unique Monster/Villain: Satan,
but is he responsible?D. Mystery: One by one each person
in the bar is found murdered.E. Impossible goal/Unsolvable
problem: Stop the murderer and escape before the bar is destroyed.F. Unique layers: Each person
trapped has a motive for murder.2. Ask the High Concept Question.
Having to do with horror and
demonic tropes, what haven’t we seen before? Satan is not the guilty
party. He’s there for the entertainment of watching humanity destroy
itself.3. Pick one and do the Exchanging Components process.
A. Random townspeople/bar patrons
· High school field trip
· Police and prisoners
· Funeral party
· Parapsychology convention
· Zombies
B. The Bar
· Hospital
· Funeral parlor
· Abandoned sanatorium
· Shopping mall
· Domed football stadium
C. Murdered one by one by an unknown killer
· Angry cheerleaders
· Rougarou
· A zombie hunter
· A.I.
· A crazed morgue tech selling body parts
· A screenwriter with writer’s block
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Robert Barhite’s Guidelines for 3:10 to Yuma
What I learned doing this assignment is: It sparked creativity. Limiting the number of locations forced me to focus on the story. I was worried it would be a struggle, but the ideas flowed. Assignment 1 helped to narrow down which story idea to use for the rest of the class. Selecting “3:10 to Yuma” reinforced that a contained story puts the focus on the story.
ASSIGNMENT PART 1: Select Your Project
A. It can be done as a contained story: That’s the cool part of the exercise. Limiting locations puts the focus on the story.
B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences.: That’s how I start writing. If a story can’t be told in a couple sentences, then it’s broken and needs rewriting.
C. There is something unique about it: All five have ironic twists. It’s “The Twilight Zone” influence.
ASSIGNMENT PART 2: Adjust a Produced Movie to Covid Guidelines
TITLE: 3:10 to Yuma (1957)
AS THEY DID IT:
A. People: The outlaw, the hero and his family, stagecoach company’s owner, a couple bar patrons (total cast = 16)
B. Stunts: Falls from horses, jumps onto moving train, gunfights.
C. Extras: outlaw gang, townspeople
D. Wardrobe: Typical 1950’s interpretation of 1880’s Western wear (jeans, chaps, cowboy hats)
E. Hair and Make Up: Minimal, a lot of dust and sweat
F. Kids and Animals: Both
G. Quarantine: The outlaw gang rode close together. There is a stagecoach robbery scene at the start – kicks off the story, a few extras in the town.
COVID GUIDELINE VERSION:
A. People: Can focus on the ride to Contention City after the hero captures the outlaw when he’s recognized at the bar. The bar scene is needed but focusing on the two men eliminates a number of extras.
B. Stunts: Can eliminate the stereotypical “Guy gets shot off the roof” and “Guy gets shot and is dragged by his horse.” Still need the train at the end.
C. Extras: Lose a good number of extras by focusing first on the two men as they ride to Contention City, then on the hotel room where the outlaw is held until the train arrives.
D. Wardrobe: Nothing complicated. It’s a Western. The stuff is literally of the rack.
E. Hair and Make Up: Other than the hero’s wife and a barmaid – not much. Dust and sweat.
F. Kids and Animals: Need the horses. Lose the hero’s kid.
G. Quarantine – Small cast. The stunt team can double as non-speaking extras.
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1. Name -Robert Barhite
2. How many scripts you’ve written – 3 feature, 3 tv pilots, 2 shorts, and a ton of shorts for the 48 Hour Project.
3. What you hope to get out of the class? Get back in the writing groove.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? Two of my shorts, “Seeking Bigshoe” and its sequel “Seeking Bigshoe – Oregon” are based on my time working on “Finding Bigfoot.” I do believe there’s a clown in these woods!
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1. Robert Barhite
2. I agree to the terms of this release form.
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Robert Barhite’s Query Letter Draft ONE
Robert Barhite’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep an open mind regarding feedback.
Title: Eulogy for the Damned
Written by: Robert Barhite
Genre: One Hour Serial Drama/Western
Synopsys
What’s an honest outlaw gotta do to save his neck?
Five years after a traitor sold out Isaiah Cooper’s gang of conniving stagecoach robbers to Pinkerton detectives, he’s tracked down the last member of his crew – his lover Kate. Despite mutual mistrust they work together to find the gang’s stolen loot. What a perfect way to keep Kate under his thumb. Unless she turns him in for the reward.
His gang massacred. Hunted relentlessly by Pinkertons. And now framed by cattle barons for the murders of two homesteaders.
To save himself, Isaiah is coerced by the cattle barons and their head thug to help recruit an army of murderers. One small hitch. Their thug, Solomon, was Isaiah’s right-hand man, and they need each other alive long enough to find the missing loot. Solomon cuts a deal with Isaiah – help wipe out the homesteaders, or else.
BIO: Award-winning filmmaker and published author. MFA in Professional Screenwriting with Distinction.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Thanks,
Robert Barhite
608.xxx.xxxx
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“Eulogy for the Damned”
One-Hour Serial Western
To clear his name, a Black outlaw is forced to join forces with his ex-partner and recruit a gang of murderers before he’s deemed expendable.
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep digging on IMDB for likely producers. Don’t dismiss smaller production companies either.
Make a list of five or more movies that are similar to yours and five actors that you might want to play your lead characters.
Series Comps: Hell on Wheels, Godless, The Son, The Good Lord Bird, Justified, Longmire
Actor – Isaiah Cooper (protagonist): Brandon J. Bell, Jay Ellis, Aldis Hodge, Anthony Montgomery
Actor – Jeb Hesse (antagonist): Dean Winters, Samuel West, Jason Isaacs
Using the Targeting process above, go to http://www.imdb.com and find 50 to 100 producers (or more) for your specific project.
I expanded the search beyond Western TV series and recent films and am focusing on action thriller series like “Justified” and “Sons of Anarchy.” I have aprox. 200+ targeted producers identified between IMDB and LinkedIn.
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Robert Barhite’s Phone Pitch
What I learned from this lesson is to keep hammering away at the pitch. Tight. KISS. Succinct. Make every moment count.
1. Tell us which of the four strategies you are going to use to open your pitch:
I plan to lead with lead with credibility.
Hi, I’m Robert Barhite, a graduate from National University with a degree in screenwriting and I have a concept for a Western series I’d like to a quick thirty second pitch with you
2. Phone Call Pitch:
“Eulogy for the Damned” is a one-hour Western serial and a commentary on today’s rising tensions between the one percent and the working class. A Black former gang leader scours the West searching for the traitor who sold out the gang out to the law and stole their loot. But he faces the hangman’s noose for two murders he didn’t commit. His only chance at freedom is to help rich cattle barons raise an army to wipe out homesteaders, or else he’ll be hung for the execution of two homesteaders. And the man organizing the army is ex-gang leader – the very traitor he wants dead.
3. Give us a one or two sentence answer to the questions a producer may ask:
What’s the budget range? The budget is about $6-10 million.
Who do you see in the main roles? The role of Isaiah Cooper, the protagonist, fits an actors like Brandon J. Bell, Jay Ellis, or Aldis Hodge. The antagonist, cattle baron Jeb Hesse, is a perfect role for Dean Winters, Samuel West, or Jason Isaacs.
How many pages is the script? The script is 64 pages, which I will forward to you.
Who else has seen this? I’ve recently began marketing it.
Why do you think this fits our company? “Eulogy for the Damned” is a great opportunity for your production company to bring to life social commentary disguised as a gritty, enthralling Western.
How does the movie end? The pilot ends with our hero Isaiah framed for murdering two homesteaders. To win his freedom Isaiah must assist his ex-outlaw partner and raise an army of mercenaries bent on wiping out the homesteaders. Isaiah realizes his ex-partner is keeping him alive long enough to discover what became of the gang’s loot.
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Robert Barhite’s Pitch Fest Pitch
What I learned from this lesson is to keep polishing one sentence bullet points that describe the action. In fact, it’s a good idea to create them as part of the outlining process before a script is ever written.
1. Tell us your credibility.
Hello, I’m Robert Barhite, a screenwriter and award-winning filmmaker.
2. Tell us your genre and title.
“Eulogy for the Damned” is a one-hour Western drama serial.
3. What is your one or two sentence hook? Framed for murder, coerced to help the man who framed him recruit a gang of killers, what’s an honest outlaw gotta do to win his freedom?
4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:
What is the budget range?
The budget for the pilot should be around $10 million.
What actors do you like for the lead roles?
Brandon P. Bell is an outstanding selection as the lead Isaiah Cooper, the ex-Cavalry officer turned gang leader. I can see an actor like Dean Winters as the antagonist, cattle baron Jeb Hesse
Give me the acts of the story.
Five years after his gang a raid by Pinkertons on his gang, Isaiah tracks down Kate, his ex-lover and gang member to brothel in Wyoming. Cattle baron Jeb Hesse, facing bankruptcy, conspires with his henchman to take over a rival’s ranch by any means necessary. Kate installs Isaiah as the brothel’s bouncer, angering the man Isaiah replaces. Hesse’s henchman organizes a raid on homesteaders, stampeding their cattle and threatening to run them off their land. Isaiah stumbles upon the brutal execution of two homesteaders, organized by Hesse’s henchman. Afraid the two men responsible for the homesteaders’ murders won’t keep their mouths closed, Hesse’s henchman kills them. Isaiah is arrested for murder as he’s leaving town. The witness who frames Isaiah is the ex-bouncer he replaced.
How does it end? (setup / payoff).
Isaiah, arrested for the double murder, waits for the noose as Kate desperately seeks witnesses who can free her man. Hesse and and his henchman make plans for further executions.
Credibility questions What have you done?
I’m an award-winning filmmaker working to get the series into production.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Robert Barhite.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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Robert Barhite’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is keep rewriting my synopsis and look for better, more concise ways to highlight the hooks.
Title: Eulogy for the Damned
Written by: Robert Barhite
Genre: One Hour Serial Drama/Western
What’s an honest outlaw gotta do to save his neck?
Five years after a traitor sold out Isaiah Cooper’s gang of conniving stagecoach robbers to Pinkerton detectives, he’s tracked down the last member of his crew – his lover Kate. Despite mutual mistrust they work together to find the gang’s stolen loot. What a perfect way to keep Kate under his thumb. Unless she turns him in for the reward.
His gang massacred. Hunted relentlessly by Pinkertons. And now framed by cattle barons for the murders of two homesteaders.
To save himself, Isaiah is coerced by the cattle barons and their head thug to help recruit an army of murderers. One small hitch. Their thug, Solomon, was Isaiah’s right-hand man, and they need each other alive long enough to find the missing loot. Solomon cuts a deal with Isaiah – help wipe out the homesteaders, or else.
BIO: Award-winning filmmaker and published author. MFA in Professional Screenwriting with Distinction.
Isaiah’s found his traitor. It’s a race to “Boot Hill.” Will Isaiah find the stolen loot and get his revenge before his ex-partner deems him “expendable?”
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Thanks,
Robert Barhite
608.213.0350
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Robert Barhite’s Synopsis Hooks
What I learned doing this assignment is literally create hooks as bullet points before the script is started. They may change as the script is written and rewritten, but they’ll be useful to create the query letter, and in the my case, the pitch deck for a television series.
Title: Eulogy for the Damned
Written by: Robert Barhite
Genre: One Hour Serial Drama/Western
Five years after a traitor sold out Isaiah Cooper’s gang of conniving stagecoach robbers to Pinkerton detectives, he’s tracked down the last member of his crew – his lover Kate. Despite mutual mistrust they work together to find the gang’s stolen loot. What a perfect way to keep Kate under his thumb. Unless she turns him in for the reward.
Facing bankruptcy after years of financial hardship, the Wyoming Stock Growers Association sends a message when it orders the execution of two homesteaders. And the perfect scapegoat for the brutal murders – Isaiah.
His gang massacred. Hunted relentlessly by Pinkertons. And now framed by cattle barons for the murders of two homesteaders.
What’s an honest outlaw gotta do to save his neck?
To save himself, Isaiah is coerced by the cattle barons and their head thug to help recruit an army of murderers. One small hitch though. Their thug, Solomon, was Isaiah’s right-hand man, and they need each other alive long enough to find the missing loot. Solomon cuts a deal with Isaiah – help wipe out the homesteaders and Isaiah will be a free man.
Isaiah’s found his traitor. It’s a race to “Boot Hill.” Will Isaiah find the stolen loot and get his revenge before his ex-partner deems him “expendable?”
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Robert Barhite’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
The big picture explanation: A Black outlaw is coerced to join forces with the traitor who sold out their gang and set him up for murder.
How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible?
1. Dilemma: Isaiah, a Black outlaw, must either work for rich cattle barons and the traitor who sold out their gang and made off with their loot or be hung for a murder he didn’t commit.
2. Main Conflict: Isaiah is framed for two murders by the man who sold out their gang, and the only way to clear his name is to help his former partner recruit a gang of murderers.
3. What’s at stake: Isaiah must join forces with the traitor who stole the gang’s loot or be hung for two murders he didn’t commit.
4. Goal/Unique Opposition: Isaiah must clear his name and discover what happened to the gang’s loot before his former partner decides he’s expendable.
Elevator Pitch: To clear his name, a Black outlaw is forced to join forces with his ex-partner and recruit a gang of murderers before he’s deemed expendable.
What I learned doing this assignment is that loglines and elevator pitches are tougher to write than a script. I know writers who won’t begin working on a script until satisfied with the logline. Still not 100% sold on the elevator pitch, but it’s getting there.
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Robert Barite’s 10 Most Interesting Things
A. What is most unique about your villain and hero?
1. Isaiah, the hero, is a decorated Black ex-US Cavalry officer and the leader of a gang that robs stagecoaches until its wiped out by Pinkerton detectives. The villain is a fellow member of the gang who sold the gang out to Pinkerton detectives.
B. Major hook of your opening scene?
2. Although seriously wounded in the shootout with the Pinkertons, Isaiah escapes and vows to find the traitor who sold the gang out to the Pinkertons and stole the gang’s loot.
C. Any turning points?
3. The Thin Man, Isaiah’s “man on the outside” of his now-defunct gang, tracks down Isaiah, believing he is the one who stole the loot.
D. Emotional dilemma?
4. Isaiah is reunited with Kate, his lover and fellow ex-gang member. They must put their mistrust of each other aside and work together to keep the Pinkertons at bay.
E. Major twists?
5. Isaiah is framed for the murders of two homesteaders by Solomon Evanger, a second former gang member who escaped the ambush on the gang.
F. Reversals?
6. Isaiah joins Solomon and the cattle association and helps recruit an army of outlaws to invade Wyoming and wipe out the homesteaders.
G. Character betrayals?
7. Nel, the cattle association’s wife, plots with Solomon to take control of the cattle association.
H. Or any big surprises?
8. Isaiah’s Medal of Honor was issued in return for his silence for the US Cavalry’s role in a My Lai-type massacre of a Native American village.
9. Neither Isaiah nor Nel know they’re half-brother and sister.
10. Nel must hide from Cheyenne’s upper class that she’s an opium addict, former brothel worker, and part-Black.
What I learned is to keep digging – keep asking “And then what?” There are always levels under levels and to create an effective pitch we must investigate the story from all sides.
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Robert Barhite Producer/Manager
1. How will you present yourself and your project to the producer? I will present myself as a screenwriter who has significant collaborative experience and works well under tight deadlines. Emphasize comps. Emphasize the marketability of a Western told from a Black cowboy’s POV.
2. How will you present yourself and your project to the manager? I will emphasize I have multiple scripts for both television as well as feature films. I work well under pressure and time constraints. I have ongoing working relationships with screenwriters in Florida and Taiwan.
3. Answer the question “What I learned today is…?” The only way to successfully market myself to either managers or producers is to learn to think like them.
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Robert Barhite’s Marketable Components
TV Pilot: Cry Havoc
Genre: One hour Drama/Western Serial
Logline: To clear his name of murder, a Black ex-Cavalry officer and gang leader detectives must infiltrate a powerful stock growers association hell-bent on wiping out rival homesteaders before he’s hunted down by Pinkerton detectives.
Unique: The number of television Westerns with a Black central protagonist is zero. Westerns with strong Black characters, like “Hell on Wheels,” feature a strong White protagonist with the Black character taking a back seat.
Timely: “Cry Havoc” holds a mirror to today’s societal ills like economic disparity and racial injustice. Not much has changed since the late 1880’s where millionaire cattle barons could declare war and openly recruit an army to attack legal homesteaders and get away with it.
What I learned from this assignment is that writing and marketing go hand-in-hand. I found opportunities to rewrite parts of the pilot based on this exercise. It’s going to make for a long night 😊
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Robert Barhite’s Project and Market
Genre: One hour Drama/Western
Title: “Eulogy for the Damned” although I am open to suggestions.
Concept: To clear his name of a murder he didn’t commit; a Black ex-Cavalry officer must infiltrate a powerful stock growers association hell-bent on wiping out homesteaders by any means necessary – including murder. But he learns that an ex-member of his outlaw gang may be responsible for the frame up, and for selling out the gang to Pinkerton detectives.
The protagonist is a Black male, and there are very few Westerns where the lead is Black. Most, like “Hell on Wheels” include a major Black character, but the central story isn’t about the character’s journey.
I plan to initially identify producers. Managers may be hesitant to take on a new, unproven client. Doesn’t mean I’m closing the door on sending queries to managers. It just means I’m targeting producers first.
What I learned today is that, for starters, I write really good book reports. My first query letter run through turned into “War and Peace.” I wouldn’t blame anyone for immediately rejecting it. I also learned that selling is selling – makes no difference if it’s health insurance (been there, done that) or a script. It’s basic – match needs to benefits. My job is to identify managers/producers/production companies that would be open to producing a Western and crafting marketing materials demonstrating why my script meets their needs.
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Hi everyone! I’m Robert Barhite, and I live just outside Madison, Wisconsin. By day I’m a supervisor in a small call center. This is the second class I’ve taken through Screenwriting U. Over the next month we’ll be wrapping up Binge Worthy TV, which has been an amazing trip.
I’ve written twelve scripts – three feature lengths, two pilots, and six shorts. One short, “Seeking Bigshoe” won Best Comedy Short this past weekend at a film festival in Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
What I hope to get out of the class are marketing skills and sharpen up my pitching. I’ve done pitching but I know it’s not up to snuff yet. I worked in sales a while back and I know everything we do is marketing, and that includes the query letter.
Something unique – In 2016 I worked on screen in an episode of “Finding Bigfoot.” It was definitely a trip.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Robert Barhite.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by
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Robert Barhite
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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AGREE
I agree to the terms of this release form