Robert Kerr
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I want to thank Deb Johnson for her thoughtful and very helpful review of my Draft One Query Letter. Thank you Deb!
Bob Kerr
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Bob Kerr’s Query Letter Draft # 2
What I learned in this class is the value of leading with a question when writing a query letter.
Title: With All Their Might
Genre: True story drama
Can joining the first ever women’s rowing crew transform a meek single mother into a leader and a champion?
Fran is a single mother fleeing an abusive marriage and retreats to her authoritarian father to save her.
Gaining probationary admission to Wichita State Fran continually fails to meet her father’s expectations.
A chance meeting with the World Champion rower, who is coaching the inaugural rowing crew, starts Fran on a path that changes her life forever.
Relentlessly recruited by the coach, Fran’s father encourages her to go out for rowing while ignoring her fear of drowning.
Reluctantly Fran goes out for rowing. She meets a sisterhood of women who endure the physical demands of the sport and are dedicated to winning.
Then, they must keep a secret from their coach that threatens to dismantle the women’s crew and sink the entire rowing program.
My credentials: I was one of the co-captains of this inaugural rowing program at Wichita State. This script was recognized as a quarterfinalist at the 2023 Spring LA International Script Writing competition.
If you like this concept I will be happy to send you the script for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Bob Kerr
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Bob Kerr’s Query Letter Draft One
What I learned in this assignment is the value of being concise and strengthening how I present the hooks of my story. I’m looking forward to getting feedback and improving with Draft #2.
Title: With All Their Might
Genre: True Story Drama
A single mother, Fran, must overcome an abusive marriage and rely on an authoritarian father to rescue her from destitution.
Fran gains probationary admission to Wichita State and continually fails to satisfy her fathers expectations.
A chance meeting with a reigning World Champion rower begins a journey of discovery that is not anticipated.
Relentlessly recruited to join the first ever women’s rowing crew, Fran does not know what to do. Turning to her father to once again rescue her, her father surprises her. He encourags her to go out for rowing despite her fear of drowning.
Reluctantly she goes out for rowing and meets a sisterhood of likeminded women who are focused on surviving the physical challenge and ultimately winning.
The resulting bonding gives Fran the confidence to defy her father’s expectations of her future and she makes her first independent decision about college.
Now the women’s crew must keep a secret from their coach that threatens to destroy the women’s crew and sink the entire inaugural crew. Can they keep the secret and still be champions?
My credentials: I was a quarterfinalist at the Spring 2023 LA International Scriptwriting contest. I was also the co-captain of the first ever rowing crew at Wichita State University.
If You like this concept, I would be happy to send you my script for your review.
Sincerely,
Bob Kerr
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This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Robert Kerr.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by
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Bob Kerr: Target Market
What I learned from this assignment is my script is in a genre that has not had a lot of films produced. This means the field is wide open. I am aware of two films that are in production that have a rowing element. My script is the first about a women’s crew at the dawn of Title IX.
Will have to get on iMDBPro to find the producers that I can pitch.
1) Five movies and 5 actors I could consider for source masterial:
a) The Novice
b) Boys In a Boat (In production)
c) Lessons in Chemistry (In production)
d) Oxford Blues
e) Remember the Titans
Actors:
Female role: Male role:
a) Isabelle Fuhran a) Adrian Peck
b) Leslie Armstrong
c) Elaine Cullen
d) Jasmine Carter
Producers: Will need to get on iMDBPro to mine this market.
Title: With All Their Might
Genre: True story/sports
Logline: A single mother finds her way to the first ever rowing crew and leads them to victory.
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Bob Kerr: Phone Pitches
What I learned in this lesson is that my experience in cold calling fundraising will be a great asset in making these calls. It’s always business, never personal.
1. Which of the 4 Strategies I am going to use 2 open my pitch?
c) Lead with a strong business hook.
2. Give us your phone script for phone call pitches.
Hi. I’m Bob Kerr and I have the exclusive Rights to the story of the first ever women’s crew at Wichita State.
3. Give us a one or two sentence anwer to the questions a producer might ask.
a) What’s the budget range? Low budget 1-5 million.
b) Who do you see in the main roles? Male lead – Adiran Peck and female role any up and coming actress.
c) How many pages is the script? 114.
d) Who else has seen this? one production company out of Nashville
e) Why do you think this fits our company? Your track record of true sports stories.
f) How does the movie end? The female lead must face her greatest fear to fulfill her destiny.
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Bob Kerr: Pitch Fest Pitch
What I learned from this assignment is I have to be prepared to answer questions that I haven’t considered. Specifically, what actors do I see in the lead roles.
Hello,
I’m Bob Kerr and I specialize in True Stories.
Today I have a True sports story called WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT
It is based on the true story of the first ever women’s crew at Wichita State University and the World Champion coach who led them to victory on and off the water.
The budget range is $5 million.
I see Ethan Peck as the World Champion Coach.
The female lead could be played by any young actress looking for her first real break.
Act 1: Fran, the female lead, escapes a abusive marriage only to land in the home of her authoritarian father. Virtually penniless she starts life over. She is admitted to WSU hoping for a better future for her daughter. She meets the World Champion Vespoli who relentlessly recruits her to go out for rowing.
Act 2: Frans father persuades Fran to try rowing despite Fran’s fear of drowning. Fran meets the other women on the crew and they forge a sisterhood. But they share a secret that could destroy their hopes of competing and derail the entire crew program.
Act 3:Fran becomes the leader of the women’s crew and they endure every hardship and the taunting of one of the men on the rowing crew. Ultimately, they must face a more season crew in their first regatta to achieve their dream of victory.
Ending: Fran faces her worst fear when she is ejected from the boat and flails in the water. Can she get back in the boat and lead them to victory?
I have written three scripts and worked with a producer to get the script greenlit.
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Bob Kerr: Query Letter
Mr./Ms.
BIO: A quarterfinalist at the LA Spring 2023 Screenwriting competition. Co-Captain of the first rowing crew at Wichita State.
Based on the true story of a single mother, in Wichita, Kansas, finding her voice and power with the first ever rowing crew while being coached by a World Champion at the dawn of Title IX.
Fleeing a violent marriage, a single mother returns to her authoritarian father as a last resort. Virtually penniless, she must rebuild her life and that of her young daughter.
She is recruited to go out for rowing by a World Champion. He transforms her life and she finds the courage to defy her father. She becomes the leader of the women’s crew as they overcome every obstacle to become champions.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Contact Info: name, phone number & email.
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Bob Kerr: High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learned doing this assignment is a tool to sort out the strongest elements of my script for High Concept and Elevator Pitch. Presents a model I can use in all future projects.
Main Hook: A single mother transforms from a mouse into a lion through rowing.
Different Ways this can be applied:
Dilemma: Is she willing to risk it all to build a better future for her and her daughter.
Main Conflict: As she struggles to gain her voice and self confidence how can she keep her father’s love while defying him of his dreams for her.
What’s At Stake: Can a women’s crew hide a lethal secret from their World Champion coach and still be victorious.
GOAL/UNIQUE OPPOSITION: Can a first time women’s crew become champions despite the hazing from some of the men?
ELEVATOR POITCH:
Based on the true story of a single mother finding her voice through rowing and her World Champion coach in Wichita, Kansas at the dawn of Title IX.
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Bob Kerr: Synopsis Hooks
What I learned doing this assignment is that my first synopsis sent to a producer, though rough, was basically on target. This is becoming something I can both understand and apply.
ROUGH DRAFT OF MY SYNOPSIS:
In 1974, a young mother escapes an abusive marriage and seeks refuge with her authoritarian father as a last resort. Virtually penniless she accepts the harsh terms of her fathers support and pursues her dream of earning a college degree, at Wichita State. The dream is to provide a better future for her daughter. At her work study job, she meets a World Champion rowing coach who relentlessly recruits her to go out for rowing, but she rejects him out of hand. At home, her father learns of this World Champion and encourages the young woman to go out. Yielding to her fathers expectations, she goes out for rowing. She soon discovers a sisterhood of fellow rowers who comprise the first ever women’s rowing crew at Wichita State. In the process, the young woman breaks her agreement with her father and changes from a passive milk toast to an empowered woman becoming a leader. As the crew is coached by the World Champion, they overcome all obstacles. Together they hide a secret that could derail their dreams. Ultimately they become champions.
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Bob Kerr, The Ten Most Interesting Things.
What I learned is that less is more and the goal is a concise short sentence.
The 10 Most Interesting Things In My Script
1) The main character is a mousy woman who grows into a lion through the sport of rowing.
2) A national champion willingly decides to come to Wichita, Kansas to build a competitive crew.
3) The main character must overcome her fear of drowning just to get in a rowing shell.
4) The main character struggles to please her overbearing father while faced with creating a future for her child.
5) The main character betrays her father and abandons her agreement with him.
6) Fran is hiding a secret when the now reigning World Champion recruits her for stroke.
7) The entire women’s crew agrees to financially support the one non-student so they can compete.
8) There is a black woman in what is traditionally an all white elite oriented sport.
9) Recently crowned World Champion must build a women’s crew or destroy his dream of building a champion in Wichita, Kansas.
10) The coach kicks off 3 men one month before their first regatta.
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Bob Kerr: Producers/Managers
What I learned is to work with producers and managers there are essential differences which must be honored. I now see the value of working with a manager.
Answer two questions:
1) How will I present myself to a producer and your project to a producer.
I introduce myself and indicate I have worked as an extra on film and made for tv film. I started writing scripts under the mentorship of a season producer. I have done research on the type of projects that you work with and the budget range you have been working with recently.
My project is a true story, for which I have the rights, and it is unique as it was a first. The project is based on the challenges a crew, specifically the women’s crew had to overcome in their first season. With all the challenges, adversity and hazing they still built a championship crew in their first year at Wichita State.
2) How will I present myself to a manager and my project to a manager.
I introduce myself and indicate I want to be successful as a screenwriter. I have honed my ability to listen, take notes and collaborate to get a project to actual realization. I am looking for as mentor and want to see if we can build that business relationship.
My finished project is based on a true story, that I own the rights to, of the inaugural towing crew at Wichita State university in 1974-75. This first time ever season was coached by a reigning World Champion and under his leadership the women on the crew overcame all obstacles to build and sustain a women’s crew at the dawning of Title IX. I am also developing a second script that is also a true story that was the first major air disaster to befall a college football team.
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Bob Kerr: Components of Marketability
1. Current Logline:
A single mother escaping a toxic relationship finds refuge with her over-bearing father. Through rowing, and the coaching of a world champion, she finds her voice, her power and leads her crew to victory.
2. Two components of marketability
Unique: No one who believe that a Rowing World Champion would accept the challenge of building a crew in Wichita, Kansas. The challenge he faces in meeting the demands of building a first time women’s crew is inspiring and powerful.
True Story: This is the journey of the 1974-74 Wichita State inaugural rowing crew. I have the rights to the lead characters story and I was one of two co-captains on the crew.
3. The mixture of a unique situation and a true story brings together a powerful mixture of overcoming obstacles and the determination to become champions.
What I Learned in this lesson is my instincts with what was marketable about this script is right on target. I will apply the same approach to another script that is also a true story that is also a a first and extreme event.
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Bob Kerr
1. Genre: True women’s sports story. Title – With All Their Might. Concept – The challenges of young women building the first rowing team and coming together to become champions.
2. The setting of Wichita, Kansas for the first rowing team to be coached by a world champion as the women overcome every struggle imaginable to become winners.
I will target producers working with streaming platforms. This is because I have already been contacted by such a producer who has requested my script.
What I learned in this class is it is all about moving forward and either selling or learning with the marketing of my script.
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Good afternoon everyone.
My name is Bob Kerr.
I have written four scripts and am in a negotiation for one of them.
I hope to develop skills that will get me past initial interest and get a script sold.
I started my fascination with the film industry back in the 90’s when I was an extra working in Denver. I learned a lot about the industry and the focus on time and money.
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I, Bob Kerr, agree to the terms of this agreement listed below
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Profound Script: Assignment 16
“23 Days”
Written By Bob Kerr
1) Profound Truth: No matter the obstacles, you must never give up to achieve your dreams.
2) The transformational journey : The true story of a losing football team rising from the worst tragedy in the history of college football to playing in college football’s finest moment.
Old Way: College freshmen are not physically, emotional or mentally capable of playing
varsity college football.
Journey: Taking a team made up of mostly freshmen and sophomores and preparing them to
play the #9 ranked University of Arkansas and believe they will win.
New Way: Freshmen are capable of playing varsity football and marks the first time in
history this has happened.
TRANSFORMATIONAL JOURNEY LOGLINE: The true story of how a college football team
overcomes the tragic loss of 14 starters and their head coach to create college football’s finest moment when they face the #9 Arkansas team in just 23 days.
Transformational characters with an issue: John Yeros and the entire football team.
Transformational character takes a journey that challenges them deeply: The entire football team must grow up from care-free college students to the heavy responsibilities of adults that typically are not thought of till after college.
Transformational characters concludes with the transformation: The entire football team, now made up of mostly freshmen and sophomores, gains the respect of the Arkansas fans and players by showing up and giving 100% regardless of the score.
CHANGE AGENT: Coach Bob Seaman
TRANSFORMATIONAL CHARACTER: John Yeros and the rest of the Wichita State football team.
OPPRESSION: The death of 14 teammates and their head coach in the plane crash in route to a football game against Utah State.
I CONNECT WITH THE AUDIENCE with;
RELATABILITY – we’ve all had experiences dealing with death of a close family member or friend.
EMPATHY – these young men are struggling to fulfill the expectations of finishing the season,
INTRIGUE – how are they going to continue this journey and fulfill their destiny.
THE EMOTIONAL GRADIENT: This is a forced change initially. The team feels it has no choice but to continue . This changes to a desired change once the team votes to continue the season.
THE ACTION GRADIENT: The team intends to face #9 Arkansas but lost all their equipment in the crash. They start practices, after a week of attending funerals, with no equipment. They must fold in the freshmen, and eight practices later they arrive at War Memorial Stadium to a standing ovation of 40,000 Arkansas fans.
THE CHALLENGE/WEAKNESS GRADIENT: Initial challenge is folding in freshmen and not having enough
equipment to fully practice. The weakness is no one gives them a chance against a ranked
Arkansas team aiming for a national title.
TRANSFORMATIONAL STRUCTURE:
1) The plane carrying the Wichita State University first team starters and the head coach crashes in the mountains of Colorado killing 31 people on board.
2) The surviving members vote to continue the season and will face the #9 ranked Arkansas team when they resume their season.
3) John Yeros is serious and in mourning when he calls his roommates to pick him up at the airport. They are clowning around and have moved on with the reality they have a football game to prepare for and must look ahead.
4) Seaman forms a plan to focus on winning and not just showing up against Arkansas.
5) Seaman must start 2 freshmen qb’s and the initial practice is lousy. The stark reminder of empty lockers from their dead teammates causes the team to emotionally not want to practice.
6) Seaman tells his coaching staff they must rely on their speed and passing game to beat Arkansas.
7) The team arrives in Little Rock with high hopes of pulling the greatest upset in college football history.
8) This game is widely known as college football’s finest hour. Builds a foundation for the future.
THE OLD WAYS ARE CHALLERNGED in three specific ways.
1) Freshmen are more than capable of playing and competing in college varsity football.
2) The old ways of relying on a punishing ground game are replaced by speed and the arms of freshmen qb’s.
3) In modern times, if this kind of tragedy happened, the season would be halted without discussion from the players.
WHAT BELIEFS ARE CHALLENGED THAT CAUSE THE MAIN CHARACTER(S) TO SHIFT THEIR PERSPECTIVE AND MAKE THE CHANGE
A) Challenge through questioning: the team must adapt to lack of equipment initially and maintain focus on winning the game. When will the equipment be replaced?
B) Challenge by counter example: the freshmen are granted a waiver to play but may be risking their senior year eligibility since the NCAA has not provided a waiver for them to play 4 years. The freshmen decide to play regardless of that risk.
C) Challenge by should work but doesn’t: prior to the crash, the WSU offense was led by the conference’s leading rusher. He is injured and can’t play. The new offense doesn’t work with the substitutes.
D) Challenge through living metaphor: perhaps the most famous photograph of the crash site is of a charred helmet and a pair of cleats. The new helmets don’t arrive until the day of the game. All their practices have been held with shared helmets and replacement gear provided by a variety of regional college programs.
HOW AM I PRESENTING INSIGHTS THROUGH PROFOUND MOMENTS:
A) The action of attending funerals for a week and then facing the sad reality of empty lockers of their dead teammate’s amps up the seriousness of what they are doing to honor their dead teammates and head coach.
B) The conflict is the upperclassmen want to dedicate the game to their fallen teammates but are not named to the traveling squad in favor of 19 freshmen.
C) The irony is the team is the only ones who think they have a chance. Local media and a chunk of the student body believe they will be annihilated at the game. Perhaps they should have chosen a different game to restart their schedule.
WHAT ARE THE MOST PROFOUND LINES OF MY MOVIE:
Pattern A Height of emotion: “ Screw the NCAA. We’ll play regardless. Also, “We can’t lose you too”
PATTERN Building meaning over multiple scenes: “Get ‘er done” Catchphrase of Coach Bob Seaman that is adopted by the team.
HOW DO I LEAVE US WITH A PROFOUND ENDING:
A) Deliver the Profound Truth Profoundly: As the WSU players enter WAR MEMORIAL STADIUM they are greeted by a standing ovation from 40,000 Arkansas fans.
B) The Lead Characters Ending represents the Change: The WSU football team was devastated by the loss of 14 starting players and their coach. Of the 9 survivors of the crash, only 1 will resume their football career next year. The team has been molded and reshaped and play their remaining games wearing their “All Black” home jerseys for all games, home and away. They are a new team when they enter WAR MEMORIAL STADIUM wearing their all black jerseys.
C) Payoffs Key Set-ups: At the campus wide memorial service, Kelly Cook, the representing member if the football team, tells the crowd, “we were not the best team in the country but we were a team of brothers. One day we will return to this field.” The team fulfills that promise when they show up for the game in Arkansas.
D) Surprising but Inevitable: All the talk of pulling the greatest upset in college football history is destroyed as WSU loses 62-0. Instead, they provide college football with its finest hour when the 40,000 Arkansas fans gave WSU a standing ovation with every play and every time they entered the field.
E) Leave us with a Profound Parting image/line: Freeze frame on a WSU helmet raised to the heavens during a standing ovation from the 40,000 Arkansas fans and the V.O. of Kelly Cook’s quote at the campus Memorial Service.
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Bob Kerr Assignment #2 – BUILDS MEANING WITH DIALOGUE
What I learned doing this assignment is, as I am just now at the beginning of writing my script, this assignment has shown me how and where to build profound dialogue that I can carry through the story. The assignment itself was hard because the script has not yet been written.
1) ” Get ‘er done”.
Beginning: Get the players back to Wichita. It is a sorrowful line as Coach Seaman must leave Logan, Utah ahead of the remaining players and travel to Denver, Colorado to be with the survivors of the plane crash.
Middle ” We’ve buried our dead and now we must prepare to win at Arkansas, Now, get ‘er done” This is a hopeful a statement for the team that is left can resume practice and build on it’s confidence to practice hard despite the distractions.
Ending: It’s time to go to war men. We may be undersized but you can’t measure heart. I believe in you , now get ‘er done”. This is Seaman’s pregame speech. This is a declarative statement that he believes in them and knows they will upset the #9 Arkansas because this team has more heart and is underestimated by every one in the country
ARC: This phrase follows the team from the time they have just been told about the crash and the loss of their head coach and teammates, to the resuming of practice despite the overwhelming distractions of attending multiple funerals to now starting practice then ends with a rousing speech that inspires the team to go out and upset the #9 team in the country.
2) “Reading the list of names of players who are supposed to be on the plane.
Beginning – Seaman has just learned of the plane crash and now must confirm who is on board the flight. He learns one of the players, Randy Kisseau, changed planes in Denver and now is onboard the plane that crashed.
Middle: Coach Conti reads the list of injured and deceased at the church the night of the crash. He struggles with each name that “didn’t make it” including Randy Kisseau.
Ending: Coach Seaman reads the list of players who will play at Arkansas as they prepare for take-off from Wichita to Little Rock. The list is filled with freshmen that were not allowed to play before the crash according to NCAA rules.
The ARC this process of reading the names follows the team from the initial discovery that one of the players switch planes, without telling the coaches, to the second reading of a list of names that were injured in the crash and those that died to finally the reading of a list of names including freshmen who would have never been on the list under normal conditions.
3) ” We can’t lose you too”
Beginning: When John Yeros is met in Salt Lake at the bus before boarding the plane to Denver. His aunt, uncle and high school coach are there and greet him with the relief that he is alive and the initial radio reports were wrong that there were no survivors.
Middle: At John Duren’s funeral, his mother and father meet John Yeros and greet him with tearful eyes and heartfelt hugs. Duren’s mother wants Yeros to know that he is still a part of the family and tells him to ” …keep in touch, we can’t lose you too” The emotion is one of reaching out and connecting and asking Yeros to stay in touch.
Ending: As the plane is loading for the trip to Arkansas, Yeros is told by one of the upperclassmen that is not on the travel squad, ” we can’t lose you too” This is an appeal to stay safe and avoid injury. The emotion is one of warning and hope.
The ARC is one of discovery that Yeros is still alive to a plea to stay in touch to a warning not to get injured in the game.
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Bob Kerr: HEIGHT OF EMOTION FIRST ASSIGNMENT
What I learned doing this assignment is the multiple ways to strengthen the emotion from these key scenes. As I am just now starting to write the script from my outline, these are the first actual attempts at writing the lines.
5 MOST EMOTIONAL SCENES:
FIRST SCENE: The players are sitting in a church reflecting on the events of the day went Coach Conti steps in from of then and starts reading off the names of the occupants on the Gold Plane. As he starts listing off those who have survived, Yeros is counting on his fingers and realizes the others have all perished in the plane crash. 14 players in all.
Emotion: Stark realization of grief and pain
Original Line:
Okay men here is the status and condition of those who have survived.
New Line:
Brace your selves men, there is no way to soften the blow. It’s really bad.
SECOND SCENE: The players are getting off the bus that drove them from Logan, Utah to Salt Lake Airport. Yeros steps off the bus and is greeted by his aunt and uncle and his high school coach.
Emotion: Reunited with family during a horrible time of grief.
Original Line:
We are so glad to see you John. How are you holding up?
New Line:
Can’t even imagine what you’ve been through! Your parents are eager to hug you when you get to Denver.
THIRD SCENE: Yeros is attending the funeral of John Duren in Oklahoma City. The sanctuary is filled with flowers, there is no casket. There are several hundred young people in the audience. After the funeral, John Duren’s father and mother greet Yeros
Emotion: Reaching out for comfort at a time of loss.
Original Line: We are so pleased you could attend John. It means a lot to us that you are here.
New Line: Take care of yourself. We can’t lose you too!
FOURTH SCENE: The players are struggling to get ready for their first practice since the crash. The painful reminders of empty lockers where there use to be teammates haunts everyone and there are a few tears among the players.
Emotion: The struggle to go on in spite of the tragedy they’ve experienced
Original line: Coach Seaman enters the locker room and addresses the players. “I know it is tough but we have to move forward. We have work to do if we’re going to beat Arkansas>”
New Line: Coach Seaman calls the freshman into the varsity locker room. ” Men, we’ve buried our dead and now we must prepare for the next battle. We are going to beat Arkansas now let’s get ‘er done!
FIFTH SCENE: The players and coaches enter the War Memorial Stadium to have 40,000 Arkansas fans give them a standing ovation.
Emotion: Awe struck and overwhelmed at the compassion and generosity of the Arkansas faithful.
Original Line: Marv Kellum looks in awe at the standing ovation. ” Do you believe this. They are actually cheering for us”.
New Line: Marv Kellum turns his head to get the old picture of this standing ovation. ” I’ve never seen this many people in one place ever in my lifetime! I’ll never forget this ever!
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Robert Kerr.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Bob Kerr: DELIVERS IRONY
What I learned in this assignment is the opportunity to leverage irony into profound moments of my script. Amazing the power these tools are having on the quality of my writing.
WIN/LOSS: Despite being undermanned and undersized the valiant effort of the Wichita State football players, who take the field against Arkansas, is rewarded with a standing ovation. Every time WSU has the ball the crowd is cheering for them to score. Despite the support, WSU loses 62-0 but the players and coaches feel like they actually won because they showed up and the crowd clearly was on their side at the game in Arkansas. THE INSIGHT – never quit no matter the odds.
CREDIT: The Shocker football team was never recognized for the effort to just show up at the Arkansas game 23 days after the fatal plane crash. It was the first time that freshman played a varsity football game in NCAA history, but people remember the Marshal plane crash because of the film “We Are Marshall.” THE INSIGHT: Doing something great is worth the effort even if only you remember it.
DEALS: With all of their equipment destroyed in the plane crash, the players still vote to continue their season. Unable to practice with full gear till a few days before the game, the Shockers made a mark in history that is remembered in the NCAA College Football Hall of Fame. THE INSIGHT – The decisions you make in life will leave a mark in history no matter how bad the decision may seem at the time.
MOTIVATION: While the rest of the college football teams in the country were preparing for the next game, the Shockers were attending funerals for their fallen teammates. They wanted to be there for their teammates and their families. The “need” to be on the practice field that week was forgotten. THE INSIGHT – There are moments in a young mans life where you will be called upon to grow up faster than you expected. Lean into those moments.
REASONS: When John Yeros calls back to his roommates in Wichita and they are joking and laughing, he does not understand. He has spent the last five days shuttling family members back and forth to the hospitals and the airport to be with the players that survived the crash. He is very much in the moment of grief and tragedy. To hear others joking like nothing has happened he is confused and angry. They remind him the team has voted to continue the season and that they must get on with their lives. It is a moment filled with irony and profound insight. THE INSIGHT – There is a time for everything and we must move on from the grief and sadness that is part of life.
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Bob Kerr: Delivers Insights Through Conflict
What I learned doing this assignment is that conflict doesn’t have to be a major incident, such as the plane crash. It can be as simple as an argument that reveals some reality previously hidden.
DIFFERENT WAYS I CAN USE CONFLICT TO EXPRESS AN INSIGHT
1) On the drive from Logan to Salt Lake City the bus breaks down. With no radio they are stranded on the highway. The players are starting to believe they are cursed and won’t ever get back home. Arguments among the players. The pattern is “Conflict Uncovers An Emotional Issue”. The insight is the thought of playing football is gone. They just want to go home.
2) 5 days after the crash, John Yeros calls back to his roommates to arrange a pick up at the airport. What he hears is three guys horsing around and laughing. An argument ensues. The roommate, Jerry Sutera tells Yeros they have to move on. The team has decided to play the rest of the season and now they have to move on. The pattern is “Conflict brings out the true nature”. The insight is that we must all keep moving forward or end up stuck in an emotional quicksand.
3) KOA radio announces that the Wichita State plane has crashed and there are no survivors. The Yeros family believes John is dead. When he finally calls them later that night, there is disbelief in the phone call. This misunderstanding is painful though they are thankful John is still alive. The pattern is “Conflict brings out the true nature.” The insight is the critical need to get verified information as opposed to flying off half cocked with the early reporting of a tragedy.
4) Coaches telling the upperclassmen they have not earned a starting position for the game at Arkansas. The players argue they are the upperclassmen and they want to dedicate their play to their fallen teammates. The pattern is: “An argument provokes the person to tell the truth.” The insight is you have to earn your spot and it won’t just be handed to you because you are older.
5) After deciding they will continue the season, when they are done with the funerals, they realize they don’t have enough gear to practice with full contact. The pattern is “Conflict uncovers an emotional issue.” The insight is you have to have patience and determination when faced with obstacles to achieve your personal goals.
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Assignment #2
Bob Kerr – Turn Insights Into Action
What I learned doing this assignment was there are ways I can convert what use to be just dialogue into action to convey the NEW WAYS. This was initially challenging as the dialogue aligns with the characters in my true story. But, after brainstorming, I had a breakthrough on what actions could be utilized.
5 New Ways and the Actions and the Insights:
1) Freshmen can play at the varsity football level – the insight is while common place today, in the fall of 1970 this was a forbidden practice by the NCAA.
2) Athletes experience grief like everyone else – the insight were there was a constant emotionally difficult reality for the young men who endured the loss of their teammates and head coach in a fiery plane crash in the Colorado Rockies.
3) A losing team deserves the support of fans – the insight is the 7,000 fans and community members who came out to share in the oc campus Memorial Service 3 days after the crash.
4) You can lose the game and still win the hearts of America – the insight is the standing ovation that WSU players received in Arkansas every time they came out on the field and all during the game when they had the ball.
5) Away games are an experience of entering hostile territory – the insight is the people of Little Rock embraced the WSU players and shop owners handed out little gifts to show their support for WSU.
5 NEW WAYS AND THE ACTION THAT WILL EXPRESS THEM
1) The merging of the freshman players and the varsity players into one new team. The posting of the traveling roster.
2) Freshmen playing at a varsity level at the risk of losing their senior year of eligibility – the action is the vote to continue the season which requires freshmen to play.
3) Grief is paralyzing but life must go on – the action of Jerry Sutera and two teammates playing around when John Yeros calls for someone to pick him up at the airport.
4) Coach Broyles asking Arkansas fans to embrace their opponent, Wichita State , and refrain from their traditional “Hog Call” – the fans standing every time WSU came out onto the field.
5) WSU is playing to win despite the handicap of the tragedy – Coach Seaman changing the game plan to fit the freshmen qb’s that will now have to play. Does this by drawing up new plays and distributing them to the other coaches.
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Bob Kerr: SEABISCUIT Analysis
What I learned from this assignment is that Profound Moments can be sprinkled throughout the story. It can be used early in ACT 1 and throughout the rest of the script.
PM: When the young Johnny is first called Red by a horse owner. When his mother quips that his name is Johnny and Johnny responds to the man that he can call him Red. His mother looks in disgust the other way knowing that her son is lost to her. This is the moment that Johnny/Red will be leaving his family permanently. It is a scene filled with relatability and empathy for me as I remember when I left home to pursue my dreams.
PM: When Red is being seduced by a Hooker and we are shown that he is blind in one eye. This is a fatal flaw for a jockey and perhaps now Red realizes he must hide this handicap if he is to continue to ride as a jockey. This was a scene filled with relatability and empathy for me as I suffer from “Lazy Eye” and this has caused issues in a variety of ways including my aspirations to play professional baseball.
PM: When Charles Howard meets Tom Smith at the campfire. When Howard asks if the white horse will race again and is told “no not that one. But every horse has a purpose and no need to throw him away because he is a little banged up”. This is a set-up for the rest of the movie.
This moment was really profound for me has I’ve experienced people who were ignored and discounted. But, when given the support and time they flourished and we were all enhanced by their contributions.
Physical Metaphor: When Red asks Charles Howard for $10 and Charles gives him $20 instead. The fact that all he did was ask for the money and he was given twice what he asked was a symbol for his life. He didn’t have to be at “War with everybody”. he had true friends that believed in him even when he couldn’t say when he would be able to pay it back. Many times in my higher ed career, I encountered students who were always shocked when someone would support them with no expectation they would receive anything in return. True friendship is a powerful medicine.
PM: When Red loses the $100k race because he eased up and lost the race because he didn’t see the horse coming up on his blind side. Tom wants to fire him because he claims Red lied to them. Charles Howard quoted Tom back to him when he says “We don’t throw a life away because it’s banged up.” Such a powerful scene filled with empathy. I can remember when I was in a similar position in my first career job. I was given a second chance and that made all the difference in the world to me.
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Bob Kerr: LIVING METAPHORS
What I learned in this assignment is that by digging deep into my story there were “Ways That Should Work , But Didn’t” and “Living Metaphors.” This realization will strengthen the script when I start writing it.
5 WAYS THAT SHOULD WORK, BUT DIDN’T.
OLD WAY: Football is everything to scholarship athletes.
The Challenge is returning to football will heal all wounds.
a) When players are dressing for their first practice, after the plane crash and a week of attending funerals, the visual reminder of empty lockers is emotionally too difficult to focus on practice.
b) As players are back in their dorm rooms, a place of refuge and relaxation, they are interrupted by family members coming to pick up the belongings of the deceased. This is an emotional trial they are unprepared for and it takes their mind back to the reality of the plane crash.
c) As players resume attending class, they experience a solitude among a crowd as no one wants to bother them. This isolates them.
d) Players are practicing in shorts and tee shirts because they don’t have enough equipment to go full pads. One more reminder that they lost so very much in the plane crash.
e) Players hear the Head Coach, Bob Seaman, address the squad for their first practice. His speech started out with ” We’ve buried our dead…” Hardly a motivation to resume football activities.
5 LIVING METAPHORS
The Challenge is the transformation to the NEW WAY of hope and victory.
a) New gear arrives from surrounding colleges as well as manufacturers. They can now practice in full gear.
b) Freshman QB shows up wearing white shoes. It is a new beginning.
c) Freshman QB shows off his arm strength and pumps hope into the rebuilt offense.
d) The trip to Little Rock, Arkansas is on a chartered large commercial jet. Much safer than the plane that crashed in the mountains.
e) There is no media coverage of the squad as they leave for Little Rock. The media is treating this as business as usual.
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Bob Kerr: COUNTEREXAMPLES
What I learned in this class was both a process and techniques that will broaden how I challenge THE OLD WAYS. I believe it will make the script even more Profound and entertaining.
OLD WAY: Freshman are nor physically or mentally prepared to play varsity college football
Question Challenge: How do we field a team against #9 Arkansas if we don’t play freshmen?
Question Challenge: How do we honor the teams vote to continue the season if we don’t
play freshmen?
Counter Example:
The freshmen expect to play and expect to create the greatest upset in NCAA history.
OLD WAY: The opponent is a mortal enemy and deserve no respect or mercy
Question Challenge: Why are the Little Rock citizens so welcoming to us as the opponent
instead of berating us and disrespecting us?
Question Challenge? Why is Coach Broyles asking the Arkansas fans to refrain from their
traditional “Hog Call” used to intimidate the opponent.
Counter Example: The Shockers receive a standing ovation when they enter the field. Something usually reserved for their hometown Arkansas Razorbacks
OLD WAY: Young 18 and 19 year old young men won’t or can’t accept resposibilities outside of playing football.
Question Challenge: What happens to young 18 and 19 year old young men when they now have to attend funerals of their classmates instead of attend classes and go tio football practices?
Question Challenge: Who choses to go to funerals and then face the reality of parents coming to your dorm room to collect personal belongings and vehicles sitting empty in the parking lot?
Counter Example: The Shockers volunteer to attend the funerals and then face the reality of empty lockers when they must resume practice
OLD WAY: Sometimes it is better to just forfeit as game then play the #9 Arkansas team undermanned and playing 19 freshman.
Question Challenge: What do we have to do with our two freshman qb’s to have the best chance to win sat Arkansas?
Question Challenge: How do we, as coaches, tell the upperclassmen that freshmen are starting in their place?
Counter Example: Our best chance to win is to utilize our speed and passing offense to takje advantage of our strengths.
OLD WAY: Fear will always win out.
Question Challenge: When the freshmen tell the team that “screw the NCAA. We’ll play regardless if it costs us our senior year of eligibility.”
Question Challenge: Despite the obstacles, we coach these guys hard. Our objective is toi win at Arkansas. Nothing short of a victory will suffice.
Counter Example: This is just the next game on our schedule. We are better than our record.
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Bob Kerr: Shifting Belief systems
Assignment #2
“23 Days”
OLD WAYS:
Freshman can compete on a varsity level
CHALLENGE:
The freshman agreed to play against #9 Arkansas even with the threat their senior year eligibility could be lost.
OLD WAYS:
Grief is paralyzing
CHALLENGE:
Despite the raw emotions of a week of funerals of their teammates, the remaining members of the football team are locked in and focused on preparing for a game against the #9 team, Arkansas
OLD WAYS
The opponent is a mortal enemy and unworthy of your respect.
CHALLENGE:
The Arkansas fans both supported and praised the WSU team for showing up and playing the game.
OLD WAYS:
Young men can’t and won’t accept responsibility.
CHALLENGE:
The players, most of whom were 18 and 19 year old young men, grew up and started making adult choices and adult commitments following the tragic plane crash that killed their teammates and head coach.
OLD WAYS:
Sometimes there are too many obstacles to continue. Best to cut your losses and wait till next year.
CHALLENGE:
Despite spending a week going to funerals, then not having enough equipment to practice in full gear, the players and coaches were focused on preparing for, and competing against, the # 9 Arkansas team.
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Bob Kerr: Shifting Belief Systems
What I learned in this lesson was the opportunity to use both dialogue and movement to express the shifting from “The Old Ways” to the challenge of “The New Ways”. Perhaps the greatest example of this was when the 10 men rose to shun the juror spouting prejudice towards the end of the process. Shunning is such a powerful tool to express opposition to behavior.
Assignment One:
The Old Ways – It was an all male jury.
This is challenged throughout the process. The constant reference to empathy as a weakness by the juror, who clearly was speaking about the traits stereotypical referenced to women, as a sign of weakness.
The Old Way : Assumption of Guilt
This is challenged as the primary reason that the process takes a deep dive into the evidence when 11 of the jurors were ready to declare a GUILTY verdict within fifteen minutes of being in the jury room.
The Old Way: Patriarchy is always right.
This is challenged by lines of dialogue such as; ” Can’t refute the facts”, “The entire boys story is flimsy”. When the first secret ballot is cast, the old man changes his vote to “Not Guilty” to stand with the one lone dissenting vote.
The Old Way: Respect for your Elders
This is challenged when the juror tells the story that he had a fight with his kid and his kid his him. He then admits that he hasn’t seen his son in two years.
The Old Way: The Court Appointed Defense Lawyer was competent:
This challenged multiple times as the jury very methodically dissect both testimony, physical reality and the obvious tell tale observations of the witnesses.
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Bob Kerr: Profound Ending
What I learned in todays lesson was a valuable process for strengthening my ending. I am pretty comfortable with the direction of the ending but now I know the process to make it really deliver entertainment value.
1) My Profound Truth is that no matter the obstacle you must always keep moving forward. This ending will be delivered visually at the last scene.
2) My lead characters (both the change agent and the transformable characters start out with the immense tragedy of a plane crash that kills 22 players and the head coach. These characters must then travel the process f funerals and deciding to continue their season to face the #9 ranked Arkansas team aiming for a national title. They must overcome an absence of equipment, players changing from defense to offense to the belief they can win the game.
3) The setups and payoffs is the reality of gaining support t play the game to actually gaining the support of people around the country and the people of Little Rock, Arkansas being on their side in the end.
4) The process is pretty daunting for the team. By demonstrating the obstacles and all the reasons they have no hope of winning the game to the reality that the players and the fans believe in them. This sets up the ultimate moment when this specific game becomes college footballs finest hour.
5) The parting image is the Wichita State players coming into War memorial Sradium to a standing ovation from 45,000 fans. This is more people in one place than some of the Wichita State players have seen in their whole life, It is a heart wrenching moment for the fans and will bring tears to the audience as they see a sight never to be repeated in college football history. The lives the Wichita State players create after this is a symbol of what never giving up and always believing in yourself represents, particularly for young boys and men in today’s world.
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Cheryl:
Good morning on Monday, August 7th.
I went to do lesson 8 today and see where it is not scheduled to drop until August 19th. Is this an error. When will the class actually drop?
Thank you,
Bob Kerr
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Bob Kerr – Connecting with your audience
What I learned from this lesson was the need to expand the elements that connect my audience to a character beyond just the obvious one of empathy.
1) Which characters I am going to intentionally create a connection with the audience?
The first is one of the key transformational characters – John Yeros. He was on the second plane that arrived in Logan, Utah only because he got demoted to second team earlier in the week.
The second is Coach Bob Seaman the Change Agent. He is the oldest of the surviving coaches and has the mots experience in building a winning team.
2) With each character, tell us how you’ll use each of the four ways of connecting with an audience; Relatability, intrigue, empathy and likability.
John Yeros:
Relatability:
Most people have experienced the situation where you are either passed over or demoted. We remember how that felt as well as all the times we did not win a competition.
Intrigue:
He is initially told the plane crashed in Loveland, Colorado. Being from Colorado he knows this is a fairly flat area and should have little real damage or injury.
Empathy:
Most adults have experienced the tragic loss of life of someone close to us. We remember deeply the sense of loss, confusion and chaos that immediately followed getting the tragic news.
Likability:
John is the typical good natured college student who just happens to be a football player. He is not arrogant, boastful or cruel. He is the typical All-American young man.
Coach Bob Seaman:
Relatability:
When the tragic news is finally shared with him, he immediately thinks of taking care of the rest of the team. The target audience of young men will be able to relate to that sense of caring for those you hold most dear in a time of chaos and confusion.
Intrigue:
How will he navigate the reality of the situation. He must get to Denver asap and check-in on those few players that survived. He delegates the responsibility of getting the rest of the team back to Wichita. Will they follow through without him there?
Empathy:
Coach Seaman learned that his mentor and the coach that brought him to WSU has perished in the plane crash. When he is given the option of climbing the mountain to view the crash site, he choses to not go up and keep his memories of his boss intact. Clearly a man of honor.
Liability:
Coach Seaman leads with his heart. He never raises his voice in the hour of need. He just takes care of business in a gentle way and endears the other coaches, players and audience to him. Most people remember a teacher, coach or mentor that was just like that and the incredible impression they made on their lives.
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Bob Kerr: Transformational Journey
What I learned from this lesson is as I am writing the outline for my script, I see where I have skipped over key elements that enhance the entertainment value of the story. The MMM structure is new to me and I am working to incorporate it into my outline/script.
Transformational logline: A college football team, with a losing record, suffers the worst air tragedy in college sports. For the survivors must rise to the challenge of c against the #9 ranked team and ultimately create the college footballs finest hour.
Change Agent: The coaches of the team, primarily the new head coach, Bob Seaman.
Transformational Character(s): The surviving members of the football team
MMM #1:
On a routine flight to Logan, Utah, the plane carrying the starting players, head coach, staff and booster crashes in the Rocky Mountains. 29 people lose their life.
Emotional Gradient: Worst tragedy in college sports history. Grief sadness and doubt that the season will ever be played.
Conflict: The remaining players, all second team and freshman, must regroup quickly and decide the future of the season
Weakness: The freshman aren’t eligible to play initially and all the equipment was lost in the crash,
MMM #2:
The players that landed in the second plane at Logan, Utah must find a way back to Wichita and face constant barriers to returning home after they have finally been informed of the list of deceased players and coaches.
Emotional Gradient: The second team lands not know that the first plane has crashed.
Conflict: They have to find a way back home as their plane has been grounded for the investigation. Their efforts to get back to Wichita seem doomed at every turn. The bus taking them to Salt Lake breaks down on a lonely stretch of road. It is a miracle that a second bus appears and agrees to turn around and take them to Salt lake to catch a flight to Denver.
Weakness: None of the players have gotten any sleep and they are tired, angry and very pissed off at their situation.
MMM #3
The players finally return to Wichita and the university President has determined the team will decide if they will continue their season. They take a vote and decide to continue the season to honor their fallen teammates.
Emotional Gradient: The remaining team members are adamant about continuing their season to honor their fallen teammates.
Weakness: The first opponent will be the #9 ranked University of Arkansas challenging for a national title.
MMM #4
After burying their dead, they realize they don’t have enough equipment to practice with full pads. The “Old Way” of just picking up where they left off is not working.
Emotional Gradient: Despite their conviction to continue the season, the players and coaches realize that they must find a new way to win and create the biggest upset in the history of college football.
Conflict: In order to fill the roster gaps of the deceased, players have to switch from defense to offense and they have a difficult time making that transition.
Weakness: With no equipment they must practice in shirts and shorts and this impedes their preparation to beat Arkansas.
MMM #5
As they finally receive gifts of equipment from nearby colleges, they are now able to practice in full pads. The Head Coach, Bob Seaman, realizes they cannot win based on their old offensive scheme. They must create a new scheme and do it in an immediate way.
Emotional Gradient: The coaches must change if they are going to upset Arkansas. They struggle to make the change as the community joins in the cry to beat Arkansas.
Conflict: Many of the coaches are only a few years older than the players. The whole burden of navigating this change falls to one man.
Weakness: The players are realizing they only have a handful of practices to prepare for the game. yet, their confidence is not shaken
MMM # 6
The Head Coach decides they will rely on their speed and the strong passing arm of a freshman quarterback. Practice becomes crisp and effective. There is new hope born and the team is again rising to the challenge of upsetting Arkansas
Emotional Gradient: The team realizes they will be starting many freshman who will be playing their first football game since high school. Despite this, they are confident they are up to the task.
Conflict: The freshman are playing without assurances from the NCAA they will not lose their senior year of eligibility.
Weakness: Some upperclassmen are disappointed they will not be starting. They wanted to dedicate the game to their fallen teammates.
MMM # 7
In the dark of morning, the team boards a charter flight to Little Rock. Many of the players are afraid to be again flying to as football game. It is a tense flight.
Emotional Gradient: The realization they must overcome their fear of flying to get to Little Rock so they can defeat Arkansas. It is a mixed bag of emotions. Ranging from confidence to white knuckle passengers.
Conflict: For many of the players, their is their first flight and they have strong emotions as they recall the deadly plane crash just 21 days earlier
Weakness: It is one thing to believe you are going to upset Arkansas. It is quite another when you overlook the reality that you will board a plane pre-dawn to arrive in Little Rock.
MMM # 8
The team is finally in Little Rock and are warmly greeted by the citizens and shop owners., It does not feel like a hostile away game. As they enter the field they are greeted by a standing ovation in tribute to them and this creates college footballs finest hour.
Emotional Gradient: making the final transformation, the team is greeted in a warm and welcoming way as far an extreme as the expected following the crash. Their transformational journey is complete.
Conflict: One of the surviving members of the crash is with them and it serves as a constant remined that this game is very important to the university, the state and the country.
Weakness: There are more people in the stadium than many of the freshman have seen live in one place at one time. They are awed and were not prepared for the emotions that swells within them.
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Bob Kerr – Three Gradients
What I’ve learned in this lesson is my characters are making a “Desired Change” as opposed to the “Forced Change” I initially believed was the story. Breakthrough moment for me.
DESIRED CHANGE
Excitement: The opportunity to continue to play football and honor their fallen comrades.
Action – the team votes to continue their season after the fatal plane crash.
Challenge/ Weakness – They don’t have enough equipment to p5roperly prepare for the next game.
Doubt: The team doesn’t know if the freshman will lose their senior year of eligibility by playing.
Action: They decide that honoring their teammates is more important than worrying about their senior year.
Challenge/Weakness: Some of them have to change positions to fill team needs. They don’t initially know how to play these different positions.
Hope: Local colleges contribute equipment so they can have a full padded practice and
properly prepare to create an upset of a team vying for a National Championship.
Action: The older players are teaching the freshman the techniques to succeed in their new and uncomfortable positions.
Challenge/Weakness: The players are definitely undersized and they must rely on their speed and agility instead of just brute strength.
Discouragement: The team begins to understand the monumental effort required to upset the 9th ranked team in the country.
Action: Their practice is getting ragged and the coaches are always chewing them out.
Challenge/Weakness: They must stay mental strong and emotional focused at a level
they are unfamiliar with prior to this moment
Courage: The team begins to believe they can do it. All the equipment has finally arrived
and the results on the practice field improve significantly.
Action: The players star having fun again at practice. They are relaxed and joking
amongst themselves. There is no fear for the task ahead of them.
Challenge/Weakness: The realization that some of the upper classmen will not start
at the Arkansas game. This is a huge morale hurdle that must be overcome.
Triumph: The team leaves for Arkansas and create college footballs finest hour.
Action: The team is warmly greeted by the citizens of Little Rock. When they enter the stadium, even though they are the visiting team, they are greeted with a standing ovation of 45,000 fans.
Challenge/Weakness: They are undermanned and outweighed. How will they perform in
the face of such adversity.
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Bob Kerr: Analysis of Dead Poets Society 4(b)
What I learned in this lesson is the magnitude of the changes and the elements included in the gradients. The Profound Truth that I uncovered was different than my original thinking.
1./ What is the change this movie is about? The development of young men into the world of men.
What is the transformational Journey of the movie”
Throughout the film the headmaster constantly refers to them as “boys” Mr. Keating starts treating them like “young men” who need to think for themselves if they are to find true happiness in life.
2. Lead Characters:
CHANGE AGENT: Mr. Keating. TRANSFORABLE CHARACTERS – All of Mr. Keating’s class except for Cameron. OPPRESSION: On one level it is the expectation these young men are supposed to live the lives their parents have mapped out for the. On another level, it is the tradition of the school that is not interested in teaching them to be critical thinkers.
3. How are we lured into the Profound Journey? The audience is lured in the journey they remember when they were that age and yearning to find their voice.
What causes us to connect with the story?
The realities of the Vice Principal in high school, the senior corner and the struggle to discover one’s own identity is a common theme for all adults.
4. Who are changed the most?
Mr. Anderson. Initially he is someone lurking on the outer edges of the “Dead Poets Society”. He is uncomfortable speaking in class. Ultimately, he is the first to stand and support Mr. Keating with a strong voice.
Identify the “Old Ways”
Young men are not capable of deciding anything about their future. Rote education is the only way to prepare them for college and life.
Identify the “New Ways”
When these students are given the tools for self-expression they grow through the innovative teaching methods of Mr. Keating
5. What is the gradient of change?
The gradients appear as both intellectual curiosity, risk taking and being open to the teachings of Mr. Keating
What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were changing?
First, tear out the pages of the book. Second, form the Dead Poets Society. Third follow the new ways of Mr. Keating’s methodology. Finally, take the risks to fall in love, try out for a play and develop a bond deeper than their traditional bonding at the school.
6. How is the “Old Way Challenged” ?
In every imaginable way. Mr. Keating’s is bringing new methods and achieving the goal of the students growing into free thinkers. It is even demonstrated at the lunch table when another faculty member challenges Mr. Keating’s methods and Mr. Keating’s responds with original poetry.
What beliefs are challenged that cause the main characters to shift perspective and make the change??
Instead of talking down to his students, Mr. Keating’s talks with them. He challenges them to break out of the bind of conformity and seek their inner voice.
7. What are the most profound moments of the movie?
First, the revival of the Dead Poets Society on their own. Second , the conformity lesson while walking in the courtyard, Mt. Keating explaining the difference between daring and foolish and finally the final confrontation of Neal’s father regarding Neal’s future.
8. What are the most profound lines of the movie?
“Father, it wouldn’t be fair.”, Because we are food for worms, Make your lives extraordinary and “I’ve been calm all my life. I’m going to do something about that .
9. How does the ending payoff the set-ups of this movie?
The end reveals the growing voice of the young men and their willingness to risk it all for one they trust, admire and seek to emulate. After all, Mr. Keating’s was voted “The Most Likely To Do Anything.”
10. What is the Profound Truth of this movie?
Life must be lived with joy to find true fulfillment and happiness. Be unique, believe in yourself and don’t live in fear of taking risks.
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Bob Kerr; LEAD CHARACTERS
What I learned doing this assignment is my story needed a betraying character. I see where there is a place for one and will now add it to the story.
LOGLINE: A losing college football team must overcome the worst air tragedy of the time, killing 29 players, coaches and supporters, to recover and attempt to upset the #9 ranked team in the country. All is 23 days.
THE CHANGE AGENT: Coach Bob Seaman is elevated to Head Coach following the death of the Head Coach in the plane crash in the Rockies. After burying their dead, Seaman imposes his will on the other coaches and players. They are not going to just show up at the game against Arkansas. They are going to win. Seaman comes from a winning history of football success and knows how to forge an upset against an heavily favored opponent.
THE TRANSFORMABLE CHARACTERS: The football team it self. They have a losing record and have just lost their head coach and 17 of their teammates. One “Old Way” is a losing history. The other “Old Ways” is you must take time to mourn and grieve and not just jump back into the fire. The last “Old Way” is college is supposed to be fun. Time to figure out who and what you are going to be in life. They must grow up in a hurry and cast off the “Old Ways” to have any chance of winning their next game.
THE OPPRESSION: Is the plane crash and loss of life. No matter what they experience on a daily basis, they are constantly reminded of the tragedy and the massive interruption in their lives. It is with them when they board the flight for the game against Arkansas.
THE BETRAYING CHARACTER: The college sports reporter who covers them for the school paper. Initially, he is willing to accept their courage and willingness to proceed. But as the 23 days unfold, he cannot finally adopt the “New Ways”. He finally believes they are doomed and resign in protest.
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Bob Kerr’s Transformational Journey
What I learned in this lesson was the process of creating a log line and defining the Old Way and the New Ways brought into focus some of the challenges I am having with ACT 2. Much clearer now the path forward with the script.
Logline:
A losing college football team suffers the worst air tragedy in history. Their journey from funerals to returning to classes and all the challenges of practice transform this team into a winning attitude and with the foundation for a successful life.
Old Way:
It was just a college football team that wasn’t very good.
New Way:
They have a new purpose in life and it translates into a winning attitude on the football field and beyond.
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Bob Kerr’s First Three Decisions
What I learned doing this assignment is the path I am currently on, with my script, will reveal a deeper truth that what I first thought.
Title: 23 Days Until…
Profound Truth: No matter the obstacles, if you never give up success is waiting.
Audience Change: You must never let initial obstacles stop you from your destiny.
Entertainment Vehicle: Embellished True Story
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Bob Kerr’s analysis of GROUNDHOG DAY
What I learned from this assignment: regardless of the genre, there is an opportunity to deliver a profound message that is also entertaining for the audience.
1. What is the CHANGE this movie is about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie?
The change is the transformation of Phil from a self-loathing individual who relies n his celebrity to provide a sense of power to becoming a fully integrated human being that loves himself and is capable of loving others, especially his love for Rita.
2. Lead Characters:
The Change Agent: Rita
The Transformational Character: Phil
The Oppression: Phil’s own self loathing
3. How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to connect with the story.
Part of the lure is the familiarity of the setting. Groundhog Day still is a media darling every February 2. What causes us to connect is the reality that everyone secretly wishes they could relive a day and correct all the mistakes they believe they made.
4. Looking at the characters, who are changed the most? What is the “profound Journey? Identify the “Old Ways” to the “New Ways”
It is a toss-up between Phil & Rita. Phil makes a very profound change from his self-absorbed egotistical way to being a loving and contributing member of a community.
Rita changes as well. She learns the old lesson of never judge a book by its cover.
5. What’s the gradient of change? What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were changing?
The “Gradient of Change” is both psychological and spiritual. Phi has to struggle as he relives the day. Each step he is confronted by the outcomes of his choices and none of them give him the love that he secretly seeks.
6. How is the “Old Way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that cause the main character to shift their perspective and make the change?
The “Old Ways” are challenges in Phil’s continuing efforts to satisfy his inner need through greed, sex and general disregard of other people’s needs. His belief that he is the “center of the universe” must shift because living each day with that perspective is creating more self-loathing.
7. What are the most profound moments of the movie?
1) When he cannot save the old man from dying> It is his first encounter with the resalities of a mortal life.
2) When Phil wakes up after Rita spends the night without having sex. He wakes to the reality that he has regained his humanity.
8. What are the most profound lines of the movie?
1) Watch out for that first step. It’s a doozy.
2) Well, what if there is no tomorrow?
3) I don’t even like myself.
9. How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?
Phil has always dreaded his trip to this small community. He considers the citizens beneath him and unworthy of his getting to know them. He finally realizes they are a community that know and care about each other deeply. They have that love he longs for and he ultimately accepts that he wants to live there and be a part of the fabric of this community.
10. What is the Profound Truth of this movie?
As human beings, we all want to be loved and be part of a community. We must learn that before we can enjoy this community of love and caring, and before we can share that love with the person we must desire, we must first learn to love ourselves.
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Hi everyone!
Bob Kerr from Oregon.
I am a veteran of Hal’s classes and have been improving the quality of my scripts with each class.
I have written 3 scripts and was recently notified that one of my scripts was a quarter-finalist at the Spring L.A. International Screenplay Competition.
I am starting work on a script that I hope will be a “Profound Story” and look forward to developing the skills to make that a reality.
Something interesting about me is I am a retired Higher Education Administrator.
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1. Bob Kerr
2. I agree with the term of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Deb:
I’m ready to exchange scripts.
My email is kerr9606@comcast.net
I can read Final Draft or PDF.
I will reply to your email and attach my script.
I will be able to complete this critique by Saturday afternoon @ 5pm (PDT)
Thanks,
Bob Kerr
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Robert Kerr.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by
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Bob Kerr Put Your Descriptions to the Test
“What I learned from this assignment is I regularly extended the description as if I was writing a book and not a script. I have received several feedbacks in the past that my descriptions were too long. This lesson demonstrated what the others were communicating. Much easier to apply the four questions and cut excess this time around.
One specific description that I want feedback on is the very opening description.
Line:
FRAN KING, a 5’5” medium build, twenty-one year old “Daddy’s girl”, stuffs clothes and toys into her over filled 1973 yellow VW Beetle. Her three year old daughter, SUSAN, is sitting on the steps of the house hugging her stuffed bear.
Fran looks up and tears leak down her face. She wipes them away. Fran pulls out an envelope from the front pocket of her shirt. She smacks it down on an open hand then puts it back in her shirt. She scoops up Susan, with her teddy bear, off the porch.
Need: To show Fran’s anguish and desperation at losing her home.
Any assistance would be welcome. Remembering that this is a true story and the description of the car is an essential tool throughout the script.
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Bob’s Amazing Third Act.
What I learned from this assignment is the leverage of doing the work to arrive at an ending that is both satisfying and contains elements of surprise and resolution.
Has I had chosen the ending to be the work I did on Lesson 14, “Writing memorable Lines”, the work I did was in aligning the set-up and resolution with the structure presented in this lesson.
The work was challenging as I was truly committed to the ending I had written previously. Still, a breakthrough happened and I believe the ending is now stronger for the work.
Set-up from Act 1:
Fran is devastated by a divorce out of the blue. Left with a three year old and almost no money, Fran retreats to her fathers home where she is rescued with the condition that Fran submits to his rules and expectations for her future. At the same time, a World Champion is hired to build a rowing program in of all places, Wichita, Kansas. It is destiny that the coach and Fran’s future is about to braid together and change them both.
Set-up from Act 2:
Bullied by her father to join the rowing crew, Fran steps into the unknown despite being afraid of drowning, as she doesn’t know how to swim. In order for this college crew to even compete, Title IX requires both a women’s and a men’s crew. The problem, the women are unable to maintain a full boat. This challenge threatens the entire future of the program.
Fran, as a single mother struggling with college, finds her voice during this process. She quickly becomes a leader for the first time in her life and the women look to her to unify them and speak for them.
When Fran is made stroke, this cements her leadership role. Then, multiple crisis happen from an injury leaving the boat short of a rower, to a woman dropping out of school and leaving the boat down a rower as well.
Will Fran be able to solve these challenges and preserve the women’s crew and the entire program.
Beats of ACT 3:
1) The coach informs the crew that Fran will be the new stroke. Creates conflict among the women. Fran is filled with self doubt and fear.
2) Fran goes home to practice with her instrument. Her father thinks Fran has changed her mind and is returning to her music like he expects her to do.
3) Fran shows improvement at stroke and the women slowly accept her.
4) The coach asks Fran to assume additional responsibilities as stroke. Be a leader. Fran hesitates and finally accepts.
5) Fran tells the women that one of their members has dropped out of school and they are in serious trouble of dissolving the crew
6) They arrive in Austin for spring training and Fran learns that her divorce is final.
7) The coach kicks off three men for breaking team rules. This crisis binds the women together for the first time.
8) Returning from Spring Training Fran confronts her father, who has been at war with Fran ever since she changed majors from music to business. He continues to give Fran, a daddy’s girl, the silent treatment and it tears Fran apart.
9) With Fran solving the problem of an ineligible rower, and a new woman joining the crew,
the women, and the overall program are ready for their first regatta.
10) Fran again confronts her father to get him to attend the regatta. He agrees but on one big condition. If she loses the regattas, she will quit rowing and return to the status quo of him masking the rules. Fran accepts the challenge.
11) The day of the regatta, the women are overwhelmed at the size and athleticism of their opponents. They seem to have been defeated before the race has even started.
12) At the start of the race, Fran’s greatest fear of being thrown into the river come true. Flailing she fights her way back into the boat.
13) Rowing faster and longer than they have ever rowed, the women win a thrilling race coming from behind to emerge victorious.
14) After the race, Fran delivers the statement that “We are through taking turns”. A nod to women empowerment and the reality of the dawn of Title IX.
15) Frans father reconciles with Fran as Fran leaks out a tear as her father extends his hand in the first sign of acceptance since Fran emerged as a leader. There is no dialogue for this scene.
As I look at the 7 Rules for a Great Ending, I believe I have satisfied them. The hardest one was Number 5 ” Don’t Go ON THE NOSE. This took real work and was a grind to get to the closing line and sequence. It took a real breakthrough to land on the ending .
This has been really challenging as the story is based on a true events.
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Bob Kerr Writing Memorable Lines
What I learned was a technique that provided a breakthrough in my hang-ups with the ending of the script. By taking the last scene, and clarifying the lead characters traits and doing the exercise of brainstorming 10 – 20 times, I landed on a line that really delivers the punch I was looking for .the climax I needed.
Original:
EXT. MURDOCK DOCK- AFTERNOON
As the WSU women dock and exit the boat, a crowd is moving across the bridge to welcome the winning crew. As the WSU varsity 8 men’s crew takes over the boat for their race, the women are jubilant and hugging each other. The Nebraska women’s boat docks and exits as their men take over. While the WSU women are celebrating, the NEBRASKA WOMEN’S CAPTAIN, a 6 foot blond, comes over and surrenders an arm load of Nebraska betting shirts to Fran.
NEBRASKA WOMEN’S CAPTAIN
We’ve never seen anybody launched out of a boat! We thought we had the race won for sure. You rowed one helluva race!
FRAN
First for me too. Really scary cause I can’t swim! Just knew I had to get back in the boat and then row faster and longer than ever before. Besides, first time anybody’s seen us row and we couldn’t disappoint anyone.
The Nebraska captain extends her hand and Fran takes it. They shake hands.
NEBRASKA WOMEN’S CAPTAIN
Congratulations! We’ll see you at the Midwestern Sprints in Wisconsin. It’ll be our turn to collect your bettin’ shirts!
FRAN
We’ll be there and this time I plan on staying in the boat the whole race.
New: Closing dialogue
NEBRASKA WOMEN’S CAPTAIN
Congratulations! We’ll see you at the Midwestern Sprints and it’ll be our turn to win your bettin’ shirts!
FRAN: We’re through taking turns!
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Bob loves separating character dialogue
What I learned in this class was a tool for improving character dialogue that was new to me. Created new opportunities to align the character dialogue with the characters traits and subtexts.
Character Name: Fran (lead)
Role in the story: single mother who must find her voice and her power through the sport of rowing.
Core Character Traits:
daddy’s girl, caring mother, reluctant leader and emerging independence
Before: Have to get off probation first. Besides, I haven’t played since Susan was born.
After: Gotta get off probation first Poppa. Remember? Besides, it’s been three years since I played
Before: I can’t keep up with all the reading Poppa. The profs don’t cover everything in class. Yet, we’re responsible for it all. The profs suggest I join a study group.
After: Poppa it’s all the reading. I can’t keep up. The profs want me to join a study group. I don’t know if it’ll be worth it.
Before: Come here little girl. Mommy has found a better life for us. We’re going to have more money and an independent future.
After: Little girl Mommy has found the magic keys to our future. We’ll have more money and no one will tell us what to do from now on.
Before: In for a penny, in for a pound.
After: This is just great! Now all the pressure is squarely on me. If coach is wrong, I’m screwed.
Before: I figure since you got me into this you need to see what it’s all about anyway. Besides, you can meet the coach. A day off won’t kill you.
After: Now listen, you got me into this and the least you can do is come watch us make history. You’ll be able to meet the coach. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday if you ask me.
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Bob’s Dramatic Scene Transitions.
What I learned in this lesson was the ability to create dramatic leverage in my script to deliver a more powerful visual to elevate the story. It was a challenging exercise but ultimately led to an improved sequence.
The set up for the transition scene I selected is the reality that keeping the women’s boat filled is difficult. The challenge of the conditioning is creating an obstacle for the women.
The original transition was just showing Fran running and bending over from the exertion. I chose the “visual transition form” by showing the results of a two pack a day smoker running to get in condition for competitive rowing.
Here is the two scenes connected by the transition scene.
INT. WSU MEETING ROOM – NIGHT
As the crew breaks up and walks out of the room, Fran, Gary, Colette and Cheryl are walking together.
FRAN
Hope folks aren’t just thinking about recruiting guys. We need girls to fill our boat and a couple of coxswains for all of us. Think those frat guys know any sorority girls who might be interested?
GARY
(mockingly)
That’d be one helluva pitch. Hey, you look like you could be a rower. Interested in killing yourself and earning a varsity letter?
They all start laughing
FRAN
Don’t laugh. If we don’t keep the women’s boat full, then the whole program goes down. It can’t just be about the guys anymore. Welcome to Title IX!
GARY
(surprised)
I don’t think any of us knew that. Where do we start?
CHERYL
All my friends think I’m nuts for doing this. I tell ‘em this is one place where I’m on even ground with everyone. Start there. Women getting a fair and equal shot at anything is a big deal. Trust me.
COLETTE
Getting women to come out is just the beginning. Keeping them is the real battle.
GARY
I think it’ll be harder when we’re off the water. No one will see us. When we’re on the water at least people see us. They’re intrigued.
CHERYL
Seeing is believing. Getting women to see themselves in a boat is powerful. I say we get the school paper to write a story about us and get some pictures while we’re still on the water.
FRAN
That’s a helluva idea. I know just where to start.
EXT. SANDY RIVERBANK – – DAY
Fran is running along the riverbank and keeping up a good pace. She stops and bends forward coughing up black phlegm.
FRAN
Strangest cure to stop smoking yet!
Fran straightens up and starts running again.
INT. WSU ARENA – AFTERNOON
The crew is gathered in the arena waiting for Vespoli to arrive. It is a collection of some 40 men and women dressed in sweats and joking amongst each other. Vespoli arrives with LEE PARKER, a 5’10 dark haired guy with glasses, next to him.
VESPOLI
Okay ladies and gentlemen, welcome to winter conditioning. For the next seven weeks you’re going to build your strength and stamina. The routine is one day running, the next day weights. Lee Parker is our new team manager and he’s going to be tracking your progress. Now let’s head down to the weight room and get everybody’s weight.
The crew gets up and heads downstairs to the weight room.
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Deb:
This is a very creative and powerful way to use a transition scene. The back and gives the audience an opportunity to reflect on the seemingly insignificant moments in their lives that led to present moments. Decisions and choices are always a powerful tool to deliver a message. Really appreciate the skill you exhibited in this lesson.
Thank you,
Bob Kerr
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Bob Kerr: Elevate scene structure
What I learned from this assignment is the strategies to lift and improve a scene from just a dull talking heads situation to a dynamic scene that builds the tension of the scene.
The original scene:
EXT: WSU BOATRHOUSE PARKING LOT
Vespoli talks to Fran and explains the responsibility of being a leader off the water as stroke.
What the scene accomplishes is :
a) a decision that a member of the women’s crew who understands she needs to be the leader.
b) demonstrates that Fran is reluctant to be the “formal” leader despite being an informal leader all along.
c) Demonstrates Vespoli’s focus on having direction over the women’s crew by this decision.
Scene Structure Options:
1. SURPRISE: Fran refuses to accept the role of leader and Vespoli is forced to make this a no choice reality.
2.SUSPENSE: Vespoli evaluates Fran’s performance and indicates there is one flaw, the lack of leadership.
3. SUPERIOR POSITION: Vespoli explains this is a no option reality. Stroke means being a leader.
4., IRONY: Fran is thge leader informally. She rejects the accountability that comes with formal expectations.
5. TWIST: Vespoli praises Fran. Now, time to step up and be accountable.
6. MISLEAD & REVEAL: Vespoli asks Fran about her evaluation of the women’s crew. Does she see the gap? The gap is Fran.
The rest of the structures don’t fit well with the conext of the scene.
I chose SUPERIOR POSITION.
EXT. – WSU BOAT HOUSE PARKING LOT – LATER
Vespoli is sitting in his blue van watching the women sprint across the meadow and then cross the road to end up in the parking lot. They are all bent over and breathing hard. Fran straightens up and see’s Vespoli motioning her over to his van. Brenda grabs Fran’s arm as she starts to walk over to Vespoli.
BRENDA
This looks serious. Remember our secret. We’ve still got time.
Fran leans in and whispers to Brenda.
FRAN
Don’t worry. I haven’t said anything to Vespoli.
Fran walks towards Vespoli as the rest of the women head out and get into their cars and head home.
VESPOLI
Fran, you did much better today. Good to see. It’s time to talk about your other responsibilities as stroke.
FRAN
Other responsibilities? I thought it was all about pace. What other responsibilities are you talking about?
VESPOLI
Leadership on and off the water. When we get to Austin, it’s your responsibility to keep the women’s crew together. There will be lots of down time and distractions. You need to keep the women focused and together.
FRAN
(defiantly)
Sounds more like babysitting. Why me?
VESPOLI
(firmly)
Your their stroke now. You set the example. All eyes are going to be on you. Lead with passion and integrity and they will follow you no matter what. Understood?
FRAN
(reluctantly)
Understood. Why didn’t you mention this when you asked me to sit stroke?
VESPOLI
One thing at a time.
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Bob Kerr – Adding Truly Meaningful Action
What I learned in this lesson is: by adding truly meaningful action I can add subtext and heighten the drama about the physical and mental toll that is required for women when building a competitive rowing crew.
BEFORE SCENE SUMMARY:
The two characters, Gary & Colette, are just sitting at a dorm room dining table eating their dinner. Pure talking head scenario.
AFTER:
INT. DORM CAFETERIA – EVENING
Colette, dressed in sweats, is walking through the cafeteria line getting her food. She is clearly in pain as she picks up her tray of food and looks for somewhere to sit. Gary, also dressed in sweats, see’s her through the crowd and stands to wave her to come sit with him. Colette recognizes Gary and weaves her way through the crowd to sit with him. Colette groans as she sits down.
GARY
You look like you’ve had a really rough day. Well just relax now and enjoy dinner.
COLETTE
Can’t relax. We lost another gal today. Couldn’t handle coach or the pain. A shame as today was the first time coach sounded like we’re figuring it out. Now we have to find another gal to fill her seat. Again!
GARY
You’re kidding right?
Colette puts her fork down and looks at Gary in frustration.
COLETTE
No I’m not! It feels as bad as coach telling us to row with our eyes closed. Feels real uncomfortable. Beginning to doubt we’ll ever make it to spring. I don’t know!
Gary looks at Colette with surprise.
GARY
You have to trust the process. Spring is a long way off yet and coach knows what he is doing.
COLETTE
We struggle to keep our eight full. We lose gals and pick up new ones all the time. Hard to get into any kind of rhythm even if we row with our eyes closed. We start from scratch each day. This is harder than it looks.
Gary puts down his fork and reaches out with his hand to touch Colette’s arm.
GARY
It’s all about trust. Just trust the process and it will get better.
COLETTE
The process isn’t keeping our boat full!
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Bob Kerr Elevated Story Beats
What I learned from this lesson was that some scenes I thought needed to be deleted could be improved and add to the tension of the story.
Three scenes to improve:
Act 1 Beat 11
Purpose of the scene is to experiences Frans fear of struggling academically. The recommendation to join a study group triggers her fear of how she met her soon to be ex-husband.
Before:
Fran is struggling to keep up with her college course work. She is conflicted by the encouragement by faculty to join a study group. Poppa tells her she has to do what she has to do and just get over it.
After:
Fran is struggling with her academic course work. When her professors tell her to join a study group, she tells her Poppa it reminds her of how she met her husband in the first place.
Poppa ignores the fear and insists that Fran keep her head down and nose to the grindstone. Fran has serious doubts that is all it will take.
ACT 1 Beat 19
Purpose of this scene is to introduce the fragility of the women’s crew.
Before:
Women are dropping like flies and the women’s crew is in real jeopardy of collapsing. Gary, Colette’s love interest, tells her it is all about trust and to trust the process.
After:
Collette express her fear the women’s crew is destined to fail. Gary, her love interest, tells her it is all about trust and to trust the process. Collette shares the fate of the women’s crew is tied to the fate of the total crew and it will take more than trust to fill the women’s boat.
ACT 2 Beat 23
Purpose: to experience the frustration of the women that the men still don’t fully understand the realities of Title IX and the men’s future with the rowing program.
Before:
Vespoli meets with the crew and tells them they need more people to come out for the rowing program. After the meeting, Fran, Collette and Gary are walking together talking about what needs to happen. Fran tells Gary to encourage the frat guys to ask the sorority women they know to come out for crew. Gary explains that will be a hard ask given the physical demands of the sport. Fran shares that is how Vespoli recruited her.
After:
Vespoli tells the crew to recruit more people for the rowing program. Fran, Colette and Gary are talking afterwards. Fran points out that the men have to get more involved. Because of Title IX, if the women can’t field a crew than the men are not going to be able to compete.
Gary shares that most of the men don’t understand that reality. Fran state sthey better wake up and pitch in because there is no tomorrow without a women’s crew.
Overall Updated Beat Sheet
Beat 11: Fran is struggling academically. She is triggered by the suggestion she join a study group. Extracurricular activity is how she met her husband and she is still hurting from the divorce. Poppa rejects her fear and tells her she must do what needs to be done or else she will flunk out of school and then what?
Beat 12: Vespoli meets the first group of women going out for rowing. It is less than what is required.
Beat 13: Vespoli is recruiting at a sorority house. They don’t even understand the language he is talking. His plan to recruit more women is failing. A feeling he is not accustomed too in his rowing life.
Beat 14: Fran brings home a 93 on a college math test. Poppa tells her that is unacceptable.
Beat 15: Vespoli meets Fran in the Athletic Office . Running out of options, Vespoli recruits Fran hard. Fran says “no” explaining she is a two pack smoker. Vespoli says he can cure the smoking habit.
Beat 16: Gary West, a member of the crew, is posting a recruitment flyer on college dorm bulletin board. Colette Criger sees an opportunity to introduce her to Gary. Gary starts recruiting her. It’s clear she is more interested in him than rowing.
Beat 17:Vespoli meets with Tim Wiggins for an update on the crew. Vespoli tells him they are having troubles filling the women’s boat but he isn’t concerned , yet.
Beat 18: Another women quits. The women try to convince her to stay, saying they all are hurting physically. One women tells the group to let her go: ” We can’t have fear in the boat”
Beat 19:
Colette and Gary are sharing a meal. Colette tells Gary they lost another woman today and she is getting concerned. Gary tells her it is all about trust and to trust the process. Colette responds telling Gary that trust is not enough. It is going to take unified action or the whole program goes down the tubes. Gary is shocked to hear this.
Beat 20: Fran comes home complaining about Vespoli constantly pestering her for going out for rowing. Initially Poppa is concerned about this behavior. After some follow-up questions Fran shares that Vespoli is a World Champion. This fact changes Poppa’s opinion and he strongly encourages Fran to go out for rowing. Vespoli will teach her things her textbooks won’t.
Beat 21: Fran shows up for the first practice. She is filled with fear. The other women help her get comfortable and actually get in the boat.
Beat 22: Fran is physically suffering after rowing practice. Her parents want to know if she is going to stick with it. Poppa tells her that he believes you finish what you start.
Beat 23: Vespoli meets with the crew and newcomers. Tell them they nbeed more people to go out for crew. Afterwards, Gary, Colette and Fran are walking together. Fran hopes the men are just recruiting men. Gary tells them it will be a helluva pitch to recruit women because of the physical toll. Fran tells him that that is pretty much how Vespoli recruited her. The bottom line is, because of Title IX if the men don’t help out, and the women can’t fill a boat then the whole program goes down the tubes.
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Bob Kerr’s Scene Ratings
“What I learned doing this exercise?”
There is a lack of real power scenes earning a ranking of 8 or above. The majority of the scenes are slightly about average (6-7). Looking forward to improving these scenes to enhance the entertainment value of the total work.
It was helpful to have done this scene rating yesterday with the film “A Start Is Born”. Truly helped me understand the process and be honest about the scenes in my script
Here are my beats/ratings:
1. (E9) EXT. Kansas Day
Fran is packing her car and her three year and leaving her home.
2. (E8) INT. Mike Vespoli East Coast Apartment
Vespoli receives the phone call from Tim Wiggins offering him the job as Exec. Director of the Wichita Rowing Association. Only catch is he has to scrounge the racing shells and oars as well as coach both men and women. He agrees as long as he has total control.
3. (E8) EXT. FRANS FAMILY FARM
‘Fran arrives at her fathers farm and tells him and her Mom that she is getting a divorce and doesn’t know what to do. Poppa agrees to rescue her and her daughter on the condition his house , his rules and Fran must return to her music.
4. (E6) INT. FARM KITCHEN- AFTERNOON
Fran receives her admissions letter from Wichita State and placed on probationary status. She is also awarded a work study job. She runs to proudly show the letter to Poppa.
5 (E5) INT. BARN – AFTERNOON
Fran shows Poppa the acceptance letter and he reminds her she needs to focus on her music after he congratulates her.
6. (E8) EXT- WSU CAMPUS – DAY
The Wiggins brothers are going to meet with the University President to pitch him on the idea of agreeing to a WSU Crew. President is interested but requires there be both a men’s and women’s crew to satisfy Title IX.
7. (E6) EXT – WSU CAMPUS – MORNING
Fran arrives at the Athletic Office for her work study job. She is worried as she has no background in sports.
8. (E10) EXT. – ROTSEE ROWING VENUE – DAY
Actual footage showing Mike Vespoli and his crew winning the 1974 World Championship.
9. (E7) INT. -STUDENT UNION – EVENING
Wiggins and Vespoli introduces interested students to WSU rowing. There aren’t enough women in attendance. Vespoli says he has a plan.
10 (E4) INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN – NIGHT
Fran is struggling to keep up with her classes. She has fears about joining a study group. Poppa explains that she has to do what she has to do to graduate.
11. (E6) INT. WSU BOATHOUSE – DAY
Vespoli meets the first group of women. There are not enough.
12. (E7) – INT. – SORORITY HOUSE – AFTERNOON
Vespoli pitches joining the WSU Crew. The women don’t even speak the language. Vespoli’s plan is failing.
ACT TWO
13(E5) INT. FARM HOUSE KITCHEN – DUSK
Fran brings home a 93 on college math test. Poppa is pissed because it wasn’t perfect.
14. (E8) INT. WSU ATLETIC DEPT> – DAY
Vespoli meets Fran. Vespoli is running out of options and recruits Fran hard to join the crew. Fran declines saying she’s a two pack a day smoker. Vespoli says he can cure that issue.
15 (E7) INT. – WSU ATHLETIC DORM – MORNING
Gary West, a crew member, is posting a recruitment flyer. Colette Criger introduces herself to Gary. Gary recruits her but she is more interested in Gary than rowing.
16 (E7) – INT – TIM WIGGINS LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Vespoli provides an update on the crew. Vespoli tells Wiggins they’re having problems keeping a full women’s boat.
17 (E6) EXT. – WSU BOAT HOUSE – AFTERNOON
Another women quits the crew. The women try to stop her to no avail.
18 (E4) INT. DORM CAFETERIA – EVENING
Colette explains to Gary that they lost another woman on the crew. Gary tells her it is all about trust and to trust the process.
19 (E9) INT.- FARMHOUSE KITCHEN – EVENING
Fran comes home complaining about Vespoli constantly recruiting her. Poppa and Momma are concerned. Fran tells them Vespoli is a World Champion. Poppa changes his mind and encourages her to go out. Fran resists as she can’t even swim.
20. (E7) EXT. – WSU BOATHOUS – AFTERNOON
Fran shows up to her first practice. Full of fear, Vespoli calms her down.
21 (E6) INT. – FARMHOUSE KITCHEN – MORNING
‘Fran comes down to breakfast full of pain. Poppa and Momma want to know if she is going to quit rowing. Poppa tells her that since she started she should see it through.
22. (E4) INT. – WSU MEETING ROOM – NIGHT
Vespoli meets with crew and newcomers. After meeting, Gary, Colette and Fran are concerned there aren’t enough women.
23 (E8) INT. WSU ARENA – AFTERNOON
Vespoli introduces the crew to winter training. They have to be weighed. Fran refuses to be weighed.
24 (E10) INT- FARMHOUSE KITCHEN – AFTERNOON
Fran announces she has changed her major from music to business. This starts a war with Poppa.
25 (E8) INT. WIGGINS LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Vespoli announces that he has taken a part-time job teaching for the winter because he needs human interaction.
26 ( E8) EXT. – PARKING LOT – AFTERNOON
‘Fran can’t get her car started because her legs won’t work after the workout.
27 (E9) INT – STUDENT UNION – EVENING
Vespoli tells the crew the details of spring training trip. The women are worried. One is injured and another one has dropped out of school.
28 (E9) INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN – EVENING
Fran comes home exhausted from workout and forgets to pickup her daughter at Day Care.
29 (E8) INT- STUDENT UNION FOOD COURT – AFTERNOON
The women meet. One is injured and out for the season. Another one is hesitant to give up a full-time work opportunity. They are in serious risk of collapsing as a crew.
30 (E7) INT. – WSU CREW OFFICE – AFTERNOON
Fran tells Vespoli about the injury. Vespoli tells Fran that a new woman is coming to practice the next day. Fran doesn’t share about the woman who has dropped out of school.
31 (E7) INT – FAZRMHOUSR KITCHEN – EVENING
Poppa comes in and finds Momma dancing with his granddaughter He joins in. Momma wants to know where is all this love with Fran.
32 (E6) INT – FARMHOUSE KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER
Fran is discouraged about everything. Momma gives her a pep tralk.
33 (E7) EXT – RIVER – AFTERNOON
The new woman is nervous about her first practice in a boat. The rest of the women assure her she’ll be fine. Their practice sucks.
34 (E 8) INT WSU ATHLETIC OFFICE – DAY
Vespoli wants Fran to sit stroke. Fran is fearful of the expectations that come with sitting stroke. Fran is relieved that Vespoli still doesn’t know about the woman who dropped out of school.
ACT 3
35 ( E8) EXT – DOCKS – AFTERNOON
Vespoli informs the women 9of the change at stroke. The women are not happy by this move.
36 (E8) INT. FRAN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Fran practices her instrument to remember how to count rhythm. Poppa overhears her practicing her instrument and thinks Fran has changed her mind.
37 (E7) EXT -RIVER – AFTERNOON
Fran shows improvement at stroke. Women make fun of her but appreciate the improvement.
38 (E6) EXT – VESPOLI’S VAN – AFTERNOON
Vespoli wants Fran to understand the additional responsibilities that come with her being stroke.
39 ( E9) INT – STUDENT UNION – NIGHT
Fran tells the women what they have to do so the woman who dropped out of school can still row with them.
40 (E8) EXT. – PARKING LOT – MORNING
Bus to Austin leaves behind Gary who is late. Colette gets the bus to pull over so Gary can board the bus. The women jeer at Gary when he spills roller skates instead of clothes.
41 (E6) EXT – FRONT OF DORM – EVENING
Bus arrives at Austin. 2 men try to sneak 2 cases of beer into the dorm. Vespoli catches them and chews then out.
42 (E8) INT – DORM OFFICE – NIGHT
Vespoli challenges Fran to find joy in her rowing as a key to being a winner.
43 (E8) EXT – RIVER – AFTERNOON
Women earn the whole crew a night on the town with their performance.
44 (E7) INT – PHONE – NIGHT
Fran learns her divorce is final and it is truly time to celebrate.
45 (E9) – INT – DORM HALLWAY – NIGHT
3 men break curfew and come in drunk. Vespoli kicks them off the crew and sends them back to Wichita.
46 (E9) EXT – HIPPY HOLLOW – AFTERNOON
Women are rowing and see a couple having sex. The banter breaks the challenge of the practice.
47 (E6) INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN – EVENING
Fran returns home and declares the women are unified.
48 (E7) EXT – BOATHOUSE PARKING LOT – AFTERNOON
The women are stretching when Lee Parker arrives with “Betting Shirts” for the home regatta.
49 (E8) INT – FARMHOUSE KITCHEN – EVENING
Fran confronts Poppa to get him to go to the regatta. Popps demands that FRran agrees to either win ot its back to Poppa’s rule of his house , his rules. Fran agrees.
50 (E8) EXT – DOCKS – AFTERNOON
The WSU women are stunned by the dominating size and experience of their opponents.
51 ( E10) EXT – RIVER – AFTERNOON
The race starts and Fran is thrown into the river when she catches a crab with her oar. She struggles to get into the boat and leads the crew to a come from behind victory.
52 (E9) – EXT – BRIDGE – AFTERNOON
Fran reconciles with her father.
THE END
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Bob Kerr Character Intros
What I learned from this assignment is the opportunity to elevate the character introductions provides the foundation to build story and add drama. This increases the entertainment value of the characters and the story.
CURRENT BEATS OF CHARACTER INTROS
Fran (protagonist) is ambushed by divorce papers. She can no longer live , with her daughter, in her soon to be ex-husbands home. She packs up her car with all their belongings and heads to her fathers farm.
Vespoli: Ally of Fran: He is returning from his daily workout in preparation for the World Rowing Championships. He receives a phone call from Wichita, Kansas. offering him the job as Executive Director of the Wichita Rowing Association., The catch is he has to secure the boats and equipment with a shoestring budget. His condition, he has complete authority over the rowing program and he will coach both a men’s and a women’s crew.
SELECT A DIFFERENT TYPE OF INTRO:
Action shows primary trait:
Fran is pushed and bullied by two native American friends of her husband. They tell her she doesn’t belong with the tribe. Fran fights back and declares she has earned the right to be with her husband who is the father of her daughter.
Vespoli is wrapping up a row with his National teammates. They put up the boat and suggest they all go out for a beer. Vespoli declines stating he needs to do a 5 mile run so that he can maintain his workout schedule.
WRITE OUT THE BEATS FOR THE NEW CHARACTER INTRODUCTION
1. Fran is bullied and pushed around by two members of her husbands tribe.
2. They claim the goals of A.I.M. has no room for a white woman.
3. Fran fights back.
4. Fran states she got the supplies for their journey to the protest at Wounded Knee.
5. Fran says that since her husband is the father of her daughter, she has a right
to be part of the movement.
6. Fran is slapped and told white women have no rights.
7. Fran retreats.
WRITE A SCENE THAT INTRODUCES THE CHARACTER USING THE RESULTS FROM #2 & #3.
INT: WICHITA HOUSE – AFTEROON
Fran is confronted by two members of her husbands tribe. Fran is initially curious as to why they are confronting her but she isn’t afraid of them. All of a sudden one of them grabs her and pushes her against the wall. The other one is starting to grope her and twist her hands as she reaches up to push the first one away from her.
FRAN:
Let me go! You don’t have the right! My husband will kill you for this!
FIRST NATIVE AMERICAN:
You are the one who doesn’t have the right. Your husband sent us. He doesn’t want you around anymore.
Fran continues to struggle and pushes the groping hands away from her blouse.
FRAN
I got the supplies for Wounded Knee. I’m the mother of his child.SECOND NATIVE AMERICAN
None of that matters. You need to take your child and leave. There is no place in our movement for one who is not pure Sioux.
Fran breaks away from the hold of the first one and slumps to the floor. Holding her head in her hands.
FRAN
I’ll leave. But, my Poppa will make you pay for this insult!
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Robert Kerr.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Bob Kerr – Elevate Your Character’s Stories
What I learned doing this assignment is that by digging deep into my character’s traits and beats, I could create a more dynamic situation that added depth and entertainment value to the overall story.
Top 5 Character Profiles:
FRAN: Traits = determined, Daddy’s girl, protective mother, risk adverse and fighter
Beginning: Ambushed with a divorce and no Plan B
Middle: Asked to be stroke and leader of the women’s crew
End: Her worst fears come true but she overcomes the fear of drowning to lead her crew to a come from behind victory.
Broad Strokes:
1. Fran and her daughter rescued by Poppa
2. Fran agrees to return to her music and live by Poppa’s rules.
3. Fran meets Vespoli at work and is immediately recruited to join the women’s rowing crew
4. Poppa persuades Fran to go out for crew as it will help her make connections for her music career and she will learn things not taught in college classes
5. Fran joins crew despite her fear of drowning.
6. Fran starts a war with Poppa after changing her major from music.
7. Vespoli asks her to be stroke and lead women’s crew.
8. Fran becomes leader and realizes her fear at the regatta but prevails and leads her crew to a come from behind victory.
9. Fran reconciles with Poppa.
NEW OVERALL STORY:
Beginning – Fran & daughter are rescued by Poppa.
Middle- Fran’s vanity gets in the way of being a college athlete.
End – Fran overcomes her vanity and her fear of drowning to lead the women’s crew to a come from behind victory.
POPPA: Traits= Overbearing, controlling, demands perfection, withholds physical affection, narrow minded
Beginning: Willing to rescue Fran and her daughter on his terms.
Middle: Isolates Fran when Fran changes majors from music.
End: Makes last ditch effort to control Fran. Loses and reconciles with Fran.
BROAD STROKES
1. Poppa will rescue Fran and daughter but he now controls their lives.
2. Poppa is upset when Fran doesn’t get a perfect score on a math test.
3. Poppa encourages Fran to go out for rowing as he believes it will help her music career.
4. Poppa reverses his attitude about rowing when Fran changes her major claiming she is just doing what Vespoli teaches them.
5. Poppa is at war with Fran and Vespoli
6. Poppa makes last ditch effort to control Fran with unfair wager. If she doesn’t win, she
must quit rowing and Poppa will be back in charge of her life.
7. Poppa loses the bet and reconciles with Fran.
NEW OVERALL STORY:
Beginning: Poppa rescues Fran & her daughter.
Middle: Poppa is at war with Fran but loves his granddaughter to the extreme.
End: Poppa makes Fran bet on the outcome of the regatta and ultimately loses and reconciles with Fran.
VESPOLI: Traits = Perfectionist, people person, World Champion rower, proud and relentless.
Beginning: Accepts job at Wichita despite all the short comings and the reality that he must coach women for the first time.
Middle: Takes a part-time teaching job in the winter to overcome his isolation.
End: Coaches crew to remarkable victory and builds self confidence and self-esteem in entire crew.
BROAD STROKES:
1. Takes Wichita job despite overwhelming odds.
2. Struggles to get and keep women on the crew at the dawn of Title IX.
3. Recruits Fran to join crew.
4. Takes teaching job during winter to solve his sense of isolation.
5. Demonstrates his authority by kicking 3 men off the crew for violating team rules on spring training trip.
6. Leads crew to underdog victory.
NEW OVERALL STORY:
Beginning: Takes Wichita job despite overwhelming odds against success.
Middle: Teaches Fran life lessons tied to success in any endeavor.
End: Gives rousing speech and basks in the glory of a thousand fans watching the first collegiate regatta in the history of Wichita.
TIM WIGGINS: Traits= Privileged, persuasive, visionary, Title IX advocate, patient.
Beginning: Hires Vespoli on condition that Vespoli coaches women.
Middle: Despite struggles to keep women on the crew, he raises the money to purchase a new 4 and a new 8.
End: Tells Vespoli it is a victory to just get to the opening regatta regardless of the outcome on the water with a full women’s crew.
BROAD STROKES
1. Hires Vespoli despite the adversity of the situation.
2. Persuades the Wichita State University President to sign off on a Varsity Rowing program.
3. Introduces Vespoli to prospective rowers and then prospective donors.
4. Doubts the capacity to keep a full women’s crew.
5. Surprised when neither he, or Vespoli, counted on the social isolation Vespoli would experience.
6. Congratulates Vespoli for successfully having a full women’s crew to compete regardless of the outcome of the first regatta.
NEW OVERALL STORY:
Beginning: Hires Vespoli
Middle: Organizes Lt. Governor and other city leaders, as well as a radio broadcast, to be at the first collegiate regatta in the history of Wichita.
End: Declares victory by just having a full men’s and women’s crew after 7 grueling months of training.
MOMMA: Traits: Emotionally available, strong, classic grandmother, supports Fran without fail, great relationship skills.
Beginning: Supports Poppa rescuing Fran and her daughter even with Poppa’s conditions.
Middle: Warns Fran her decision to switch from music to business will cause a war with Poppa.
End: Warns Poppa he is going to lose his daughter if he continues to try and control her.
BROAD STROKES:
1. Supports Poppa’s conditions to rescue Fran and her daughter.
2. Supports Poppa’s encouragement for Fran to go out for rowing.
3. Supports Fran’s struggle with the physical demands of rowing.
4. Reminds Fran that Poppa has always expected to control Fran’s life.
5. Stands up to Poppa when he continues to be at war with Fran.
6. Stands up for Fran’s request to have the whole family attend the first collegiate regatta.
7. Stands up to Poppa to accept that Fran has done something remarkable with her rowing.
NEW OVERALL STORY:
1. Beginning – Supports Poppa
2. Middle- Supports Fran3. End- Orchestrates family healing
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My original complaint with access to Lessons has been resolved.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Robert Kerr.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Bob Kerr – Discover Your Characters and Profile Them,
What I learned in this lesson: That by digging deep and discovering my characters, I can create more tension, conflict and entertainment value.
“With All Their Might”
Logline: Fran King must overcome all her fears and doubts to build a future for her daughter despite being emotionally held hostage by her father. Ultimately she joins a fledgling women’s rowing crew to find her voice and the courage to lead them in creating a lasting legacy of championships.
FRAN:
Role: main Character
Core Traits: determined, Daddy’s girl, protective mother, Risk adverse, relunctant fighter.
Flaw: She distrusts all men except her Poppa.
Wants: Independence and approval of her father
Subtext logline: Wounded by an ambushed divorce, she surrenders to her overbearing father as a last resort.
POPPA:
Role: Antagonist to Fran
‘Core Traits: overbearing, thrifty, controlling, demands perfection withholds physical love.
Flaw: He doesn’t see the limitations of a career path in music for Fran.
Wants: To bask in the glory of Fran’s music success
Subtext Logline: He wants a return on the investment he made in Fran’s music career.
VESPOLI:
Role: Mentor in rowing and life for Fran
Core Traits: Perfectionist, World Champion athlete, people person, relentless and demanding
Flaw: Never coached a women’s crew before this time
Wants: To win every race in every regatta
Subtext Logline: He is out to prove his methods and systems can make any crew a winner.
TIM WIGGINS
Role: He is the visionary leader who hires Vespoli and oversees the programs financial health and growth
Core Traits: Privileged, visionary, persuasive, patient and advocate for Title IX
Flaw: He roles the dice in bringing Vespoli to build a championship crew.
Wants: To prove his vision is right.
Subtext Logline: He is conservative by nature and his out of character by taking this risk with Vespoli.
MOMMA:
Role: Balances Poppa’s personality and provides loving support of Fran.
Core Traits: Emotionally available, caring, doting Grandmother, strong and supports Fran regardless.
Flaw: She allows Poppa to bully Fran
Wants: An intact and loving nuclear family.
Subtext Logline: She does not agree with her husbands treatment of Fran but has no means to intervene in a meaningful way.
Improve On One Item for each character and see how it improves the character and story.
FRAN:
Vain. Always worried about her appearance and her weight. Provides more tension and conflict moments.
POPPA:
Worldly. Sees music and ultimately rowing as the gateway to the wide world for Fran and himself.
VESPOLI: Flirty. Creates sexual tension with Fran and increases the tension and conflict.
TIM WIGGINS:
Loving. Creates more interaction with the actual crew members and establishes a point of conflict with him and Vespoli.
MOMMA:
Empowered. More conflict with Poppa when he bullies Fran.
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Bob Kerr Story Beats
What I have learned?
The story beats helps me identify where the story breaks down and in particular where I have too much detail telling the story that actually slows it down.
LOGLINE: Fran King must overcome all her fears and doubts to find a future for her daughter despite being emotionally held hostage by her father. Ultimately she joins a fledgling women’s crew and finds both her voice and the capacity to be an inspirational leader while lead her crew in building a legacy of winning.
1. EXT – Kansas Home – Day
Fran King is filling her car with everything that will fit. She hugs her 3 year old daughter and they leave.
2. INT. – Mike Vespoli’s east coast apartment – afternoon
Vespoli receives a phone call offering him the job has Executive Director of the Wichita Rowing Association. The only catch, he must come up with all the boats and equipment and coach women as well as men. Vespoli agrees.
3. EXT. Fran’s family farm – early evening.
Fran arrives and tells her poppa and momma she has no where else to turn as she is getting a divorce. Poppa agrees to support Fran and her daughter as long as she returns to her music and his house , his rules. Fran accepts.
4. EXT. Farmhouse – afternoon
Fran is smoking and eagerly awaiting acceptance to Wichita State. Still hasn’t come.
5. INT. – Farmhouse kitchen – afternoon
Several days later, Fran receives the acceptance letter with a work study award. Runs to the barn to tell Poppa
6. INT. – Barn – afternoon
Fran shows her acceptance letter to Poppa. He congratulates her and reminds her she agreed to focus on her music.
7. EXT. – WSU Campus – Day
Tim Wiggins and his brother meet with University President to get his approval of a WSU Crew. President is interested by informs them because of Title IX they must offer women’s crew as well.
8. EXT. – WSU Athletic Office – morning
Fran arrives and is afraid of what she might have to do. She has no background in sports.
9. EXT. – Rotsee Roweing Venue – Day
Actual footage, to be abbreviated, showing Mike Vespoli and crew winning the 1974 World Championship.
10. INT. – Student Union – evening
First intro session of rowing to interested students. There are not enough women.
11. INT. – Farmhouse Kitchen – Night
Fran is struggling to keep up with college. Fearful of joining a study group because of potential distractions. Poppa tells her she must do what she must do to graduate.
12. INT. – WSU Boat House – Day
Vespoli meets the first group of women for practice. There are not enough.
13. INT. – Sorority House – afternoon
Vespoli pitches joining the rowing crew. The women don’t understand the basic terminology. Vespoli’s plan is failing.
End of Act One
14. INT. – Fran brings home a 93 on a math test. Poppa is not satisfied and comes down hard on Fran.
15. INT. – WSU Athletic Office – Day
Vespoli meets Fran. Desperate he tries to recruit her. She says no because she is a 2 pack a day smoker. Vespoli says he can cure that habit.
16. INT. – WSU Dorm – Morning
Gary West, a member of the crew, is posting a crew recruitment flyer. Colette Criger introduces herself. Gary invites her to go out for crew. Colette is more interested in Gary than rowing.
17. INT – Wiggins Living Room -Evening
Vespoli meets with Tim for an update on the crew. Vespoli shares they are having trouble keeping a full women’s boat. Tim tells him that has to change.
18. EXT. – WSU Boat house – Afternoon
Another woman quits. The women who are staying try to convince her to stay. She refuses.
19. INT. – Dorm cafeteria – Evening
Colette tells Gary they lost another one. Gary tells her it is all about trust and to trust the process.
20. INT. – Farmhouse Kitchen – Evening
Fran complains about Vespoli constantly pestering her to go out for rowing. Poppa and Momma have questions about Vespoli. Fran tells them he is a world champion. Poppa changes his mind and encourages her to go out. Fran says she can’t even swim.
21. EXT. – WSU Boathouse – afternoon
Fran shows up full of fear. Vespoli calms her down
22. INT. – Farmhouse Kitchen – Morning
Fran is in great pain. Poppa and Momma want to know if she is going to quit. Poppa tells her he believes you must finish what you start.
23. INT. – WSU meeting room – night
Vespoli meets with crew and newcomers. Tells them they need more people. Fran shares with Gary and Colette she hopes the men are not thinking just of recruiting men.
24. INT. – WSU Arena – afternoon
Vespoli introduces crew to winter conditioning. They have to be weighed. Fran refuses to be weighed.
25. INT. – Family Kitchen – Afternoon
Fran announces she is changing majors from music to business. Poppa goes nuts when he hears this and refuses to talk to Fran any more.
26. INT. – Wiggins Living Room – Night
Vespoli tells Wiggins he is taking a part-time teaching job for the winter. He needs human interaction.
27. EXT. – Parking Lot – afternoon
Fran has trouble starting her car because her legs are trembling from the brutal workout.
28. INT. – Student Union – evening
Vespoli explains the details for the spring training trip. The woman are concerned as one woman is injured and out and another woman has dropped out of school.
29. INT. – Farmhouse kitchen – evening
Fran comes home forgetting to pick up her daughter at day care.
30. INT. – Student Union Food Court – afternoon
The women meet. Colette is definitely out with an injury and another woman needs to work during spring break. They are in serious risk of collapsing as a crew and sinking the whole program.
31. INT. – WSU Crew Office – Afternoon
Fran tells Vespoli about the injury. Vespoli tells Fran there will be a new woman at practice tomorrow. Fran hides the rest of the problems from Vespoli.
32. INT. – Farmhouse Kitchen – evening
Poppa comes in and sees Momma and his granddaughter dancing. He joins in. Momma wants to know where is all this love with his daughter. Poppa tells her it is different. Fran betrayed him.
33. INT. – Farmhouse Kitchen – moments later
Fran arrives and is very discouraged about everything. Momma reminds her why she is doing this – for her daughter.
34. EXT. – River – afternoon
The new woman, Nora, is nervous about her first on the water practice. The rest of the women reassure her. Their practice sucks.
35. INT. – WSU Athletic Office – Day
Vespoli wants to make a change. Fran is scared he’s found out about the problems on the women’s side. Vespoli wants Fran to be stroke. Fran is fearful because of the rejection of the crew.
END ACT TWO
36. EXT. – RIVER – afternoon –
Vespoli informs the women he is changing things and that Fran is sitting stroke. The women aren’t happy about it. Fran sucks at stroke during practice.
37. INT. – FARMHOUSE – Night
Fran is practicing on her instrument to remember how to pay attention to rhytm. Poppa overhears her playing. He is convinced she has changed her mind and is now back to music.
38. EXT. – River – afternoon
Fran shows improvement at stroke. Women joke but are appreciative of the improvement.
39. EXT – WSU Boathouse – afternoon
Vespoli asks Fran to embrace the additional responsibilities of being a leader and watching the women off water at spring training.
40. INT. – WSU meeting Room – night
Fran tells women what they must do so that Brenda, the student who has dropped out of school, can continue to go with them to spring training in Austin, Texas.
41. EXT. _ WSU Boathouse – Morning
Bus to Austin leaves on time and stranding Gary, who is late. Colette drives following the bus and forces the bus to stop so Gary can get aboard. Women make fun of Gary has he drops a suitcase of roller skates instead of clothes.
42. EXT., – Austin Dorm – evening
Bus arrives and the cars that drove independently arrive. 2 guys try to hide 2 cases of beer they brought with them. Vespoli catches them, confiscates the beer and chews them out.
43. – INT. – Dorm office – night
Vespoli challenges Fran to dig deep and find joy in her rowing. Explains it is essential to be a winner.
44. EXT. – River – afternoon
Women earn a night off for the whole crew with performance on the water. First night they can drink alcohol.
45. INT. – Dorm – night.
Fran learns her divorce is final and she is now a free woman.
46. Dorm – Night.
Three men come back after curfew and are drunk. Vespoli kicks them off the crew and makes them return to Wichita.
47. EXT. – Hippy Hollow – Afternoon
Women are rowing and see a couple having sex on a boulder. The banter is definitely breaking up the routine of practice and providing an interesting diversion.
48. INT. Farmhouse Kitchen Table – night
Fran returns home and declares they now have a solid women’s crew.
49. EXT. WSU Boathouse – afternoon
Woman are doing their stretches when the manager shows up with their betting shirts. Tells them they better not lose in the regatta and lose their betting shirts.
50. INT. Farmhouse kitchen – evening
Fran confronts Poppa and tells him she wants him to bring everybody to the regatta on Saturday. He agrees on one condition, if she loses, she quits rowing and everything goes back to his house, his rules. Fran agrees.
51. EXT. – WSU Docks – afternoon
The women are overwhelmed with the size and athletic appearance of the women they will row against.
52. – EXT. – River – afternoon
The race starts and Fran is ejected from the boat and is flailing to get back into it. They must row harder, faster and longer than they ever have in order to win. They win.
53. – EXT – bridge – afternoon
Fran finds her family and reconciles with her Poppa.
Beats deleted after separating out:
Scenes 4,14, 24 and 32.
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Pat: Really enjoyed the clarity and precision in your second version.\
Perhaps a way to improve the logline might be “… the professional rules say wait for five years and thus begins the odyssey of mishaps, love and yearning on two continents.
The new opening creates excellent clarity and promise.
The new first turning point demonstrates great conflict and introduces new emotion and intensity.
A small bump on the new mid-point. Who is Perdita? Is she Nate’s wife. feels like this character needs to be introduced sooner.
Love the Resolution.
Great shift in genre and appreciate the growth between the first and second version.
Holds great promise as a viable story that is unique and interesting.
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Day 2 – Review Structure and Bust Cliches
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that the merger of two main plot lines creates more opportunities for innovative and new dialogue and scenes than just trying to create change to lineup with the historical timeline.
Version 1
Title: With All Their Might
Genre: True drama
Logline: Fran King must navigate the burdens of divorce, a 3 year old child, an authoritarian father and the challenges of joining a rag tag group of college women to find her voice and the legacy of a historic winning women’s crew.
Structure Version
Main Conflict: Fran must overcome her fear and a domineering father to become a leader and inspire a rag tag group of women to the historic legacy as the first ever women’s crew for their university
Opening: Fran is ambushed with divorce papers from her Native American husband. With $100 and literally the clothes on her back, she packs up her child and heads to the only sanctuary she knows – the home of her authoritarian father.
Inciting Incident: Fran’s father will take care of them but its his house and his rules, no debate and no disagreement. Meanwhile Mike Vespoli, a World Champion, is hired to build a championship crew in Wichita, Kansas on the condition that it’s his program and his way of doing things.
We learned what the story is about by page 10: Fran and Vespoli’s future are intertwined and they must overcome great odds to build a winning crew while Fran finds her voice in the process.
First Turning Point Fran is recruited by Vespoli to row despite her having no athletic background and being a two pack a day smoker
Mid Point: Fran is emerging as a leader as she is the only one not afraid to talk to Vespoli.
2nd Turning point: Fran is persuaded by Vespoli to sit stroke despite Fran’s fear of making mistakes and not being accepted by the women who have been there longer
Crisis: With injuries the future of the women’s crew is in serious doubt. Because of Title IX, if there is no women’s crew there can be no men’s crew
Climax: After the spring training trip, the women now have a full boat. On the trip, Fran learns her divorce is final.
Resolution: Facing a more experienced and more athletic women’s crew from Nebraska, the women must overcome Fran being launched from the boat and having to get back in the boat to win their first regatta. Establishes a legacy that still inspires almost a half century later.
VERSION Two:
Logline: Fran King must overcome all her fears and find a future for her daughter despite being emotionally held hostage by her father. Ultimately she joins a fledgling women’s crew and finds both her voice and the inspirational leadership to lead her crew in building a legacy of winning.,
Opening: Fran is roughed up by two Native American men while her Native American husband watches and tells her she is unworthy to be his wife and the mother of their child.
Inciting Incident: Mike Vespoli is hired to build a championship crew in Wichita, Kansas from scratch. There is only one condition, it will be his system , no arguments.
Page 10: The trajectory of Mike Vespoli’s mission and Fran’s journey of independence are intertwined against all odds.
First turning point: Vespoli is recruiting women at a sorority house and they don’t even understand what he’s talking about. Meanwhile, Fran disappoints her father when she brings home a 93 instead of a perfect score on her college algebra exam.
Midpoint: Fran is coerced by her father to join the World champion coach claiming he will teach her things she won’t find in her textbooks. Fran is frightened because she doesn’t know how to swim.
2nd Turning Point: Fran is recruited by Vespoli to be stroke. Fran hesitates because she is afraid of making mistakes and the reality that Fran is the newest of all the women rowers. Fran’s father gives her the silent treatment when Fran changes her major from music to business without consulting her father. In his mind, this breaks the agreement they made when he rescued Fran and her daughter.
Crisis: With injuries and defections, it looks like the women’s crew is destined to collapse. Because it is the dawn of Title IX, if the women collapse means the men’s crew is over as well.
Climax: After a spring training trip, the women’s crew is solidified and Fran is told her divorce is final.
Resolution: The legacy of the first women’s crew is cemented when they are victorious over a more athletic and experience opponent. But first, they must overcome Fran being launched from the boat and flailing to get back in the boat and stroke the boat to victory. After the race, Fran reconciles with her father
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Robert Kerr.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Bob Kerr
Title ” With All Their Might”
Genre: True story drama
What I learned in this assignment:
How to understand the core of the story and see it unfold in a way that brings entertainment value to the story as I map it out.
With All Their Might:
Logline:
The true story of a young mother, in 1974, who is burdened with divorce, an authoritarian father and the struggles of returning to college.. She fights to regain her self-esteem and self confidence after being pushed into joining a rowing crew coached by a World Champion.
With All Their Might
One Page
Fran is overwhelmed when she is blindsided with divorce papers. Her self esteem is shattered and she has no choice but to return to her childhood home with her three year old daughter. Her authoritarian father rescues her but extracts a high cost for his assistance with a “my way or the highway” ultimatum. Eventually, Fran is readmitted to the local university and assigned a work study job in the athletic department. With no athletic background she is hounded by the newly hired World Champion rowing coach to try out for rowing. It is the dawn of Title IX and the women’s crew is essential to the future of the entire rowing program.
Finally coerced by her father to try out for rowing, Fran must overcome her fear of drowning just to be in a boat. This sets-off a series of missteps and challenges that threaten the continuation of the entire rowing program. After a full seven months of training, Fran becomes the leader of the women’s crew and the are victorious as Fran establishes her independence and the crews glorious legacy.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Robert Kerr.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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My name is Bob Kerr
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people
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My name is Bob Kerr. I have written two scripts. I hope to expand my skill set for the third script I’m presently in the rewrite process. This script was entered into three film festival script contests last year and received a “Considered Writer” outcome from the Austin Film Festival I spent a career in higher education and retired early to follow my dream of selling a screenplay. This is the fifth class I’ve taken from Hal.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Robert Kerr.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Bob Kerr
Uncomfortable Moments – Meet The Parents
The Insights into what makes these characters great from a writing perspective
Jack is in a situation where his prospective father-in-law is clearly out to trap him and thus disqualify him as the future son-in-law. The device of the lie detector machine allows him to apply pressure on Jack’s honesty and his moral compass. The intent is to see how Jack performs under pressure because he knows there will always be pressure in any marriage. This is more of an interrogation and not just playing around.
The breakthroughs I have for my script is there is a moment where Fran must face her fear of water and what it takes to coaxes her into the boat. This becomes a moment that Fran must overcome if she if to satisfy both the coach and her father.
Watch first time for:
How many ways is this character made to feel uncomfortable
First Jack gets caught snooping. Then he gets shamed into trying on the lie detector as a play thing. Then he is asked questions that reveal his honesty and as a man to be trusted with the Dad’s daughter.
How does this put him in a weak position?
Jack is defensive, evasive and feeling like he has been trapped into revealing secrets that are none of the fathers business.
Watch the 2nd time for?
What drama is this scene built around?
This is the ritual of getting to know the parents and win their approval and blessing for the marriage. It is the dreaded right of passage for every man as he meets the parents and his fears that he might be a fraud.
What profile items showed up in these two characters words and actions
Right Character – Jack is the hopeful groom who is under siege from his potential future father-in-law with a law enforcement background.
Secret: Jack has failed at this rite of passage in previous relationships.
The father thinks no man is worthy of his daughter.
Traits:
Jack: tentative, evasive, frightened and obtuse
Father – Determined, skilled, relentless, strong
Secret:
Jack: Has watched porn before.
Father: Wants Jack to fail at every level.
Wound:
Jack has had bad experiences with authority figures in the past
Dad: He doesn’t trust his daughters choices with the men she has been involved with previously,
Future: They are going to be related by marriage eventually.
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Bob Kerr
Pushed To The Breaking Point – Good Will Hunting
Watch the 1st Time:
What is the build up to this breaking point?
Will analyzes everything in Sean’s office, art, books everything. He is probing looking for the pressure point that will give Will what he wants. Out of this therapist relationship and on to the next therapist.
How is Will able to get to Sean and what reaction does it create?
Will disrespects Sean’s wife. Challenges Sean’s love for his wife and her loyalty and love for Sean. Sean attacks Will and threatens Will with fatal violence if he ever does it again. This reaction is something that Will understands.
Watch the 2nd time:
What drama is this scene built around?
Will is a highly intelligent young man who is filled with anger and frustration. He uses his intelligence to get what he wants – out of the therapeutic relationship. It’s worked before but Sean is a different type of therapist.
What profile items showed up in these two characters words and actions?
Right Character: Sean is the first therapist that is up to the challenge of Will’s deflections. Will is roaming the room looking for a pressure point so he doesn’t have to sit still and focus on himself.
Traits: Will: Angry, combative, lost and restless.
Sean: Patient, sense of humor, decisive and compassionate.
Secret: Will is crying for love and help.
Sean had found his purpose in life helping kids like Will
Wound: Will: Frightened and hurting from an abusive childhood.
Sean: Still grieving from his wife’s death.
Future: Together they will find a more loving and fulfilling future as they go on this journey together.
Insights: The simple movements of Sean removing his glasses before he strangles Will is a device that warns the audience something dramatic is going to happen.
Breakthroughs: In my script: I have Fran’s father reaching the breaking point but it lacks the build up to get to the final moment when he loses it and threatens Fran with her safe harbor.
What I learned from this lesson: There are subtle ways to indicate that a character is being pushed to the breaking point. The process is very much like a dance emotionally. I can enhance the tension, drama and ultimate transformation by focusing on those techniques.
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Bob Kerr
Forced To Violate Their Values
First Time Viewing:
How was this value shown?
Sherriff Grimes quickly identifies the feet and small legs of a child from underneath the vehicle. He hurries to the front of the vehicle and calls out to the little girl who is walking away from him.
What caused him to violate this value and what were the consequences?
Once he recognized the little girl was a part of the Walking Dead he was in a life or death situation and pulled his gun and fired. She falls apparently dead.
Second time viewing:
What drama is this scene built around?
There is mass destruction and the sheriff is looking for survivors. He bends down and sees a little girls feet in bunny slippers. There is hope that he has found a survivor. That quickly changes
What Profile items show up in these two characters?
Having never seen this particular show, I have no backstory to based my analysis.
Right Character: Sheriff is the first responder after the disaster. The little girl is the lost child.
Traits: the sheriff is Brave, concerned dedicated and decisive.
Wound: He has lost a rescue before.
Secret: He has never fired his weapon.
Future: The sheriff will now be hunting as killing the walking dead for some time.
What I learned: You can build tensions and drama by giving hints of a character before you actually see their face.
Breakthrough: In my script Fran has a value of always protecting her daughter. She has a scene where she forgets her child at day care and this can be rewritten to create more tension and drama.
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Bob Kerr – Putting The Character To The Test – My Cousin Vinny
Watch the First Time:
How is the character tested and how does it build to an emotional moment?
In a murder trial, it is atypical that a young woman is put on the stand as an automotive expert. Particularly when she is the girlfriend of the defense attorney. She is given a “trick questions” and she recognizes it as a “trick question”.
What is the result of the test?
She passes with flying colors to the satisfaction of the prosecuting attorney and the judge.
Watch the second time?
What drama is this scene built around?
This is a murder trial of two young boys based on highly circumstantial evidence. Her testimony could be the answer to proving their innocence if she can pass the test.
What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound and future) show up in words and actions?
Right Character: Vinny is the typical New Jersey confident bs artist, she is a a woman more focused on getting married than testifying. Great drama and conflict
Traits: Vinny is setting a trap, she is reluctantly helping him.
Secret: Vinny is now who he says he is as a lawyer, she is more intelligent than she lets on)
Wound: Vinny has been looked down on most of his life, she has been sexualized and ignored for her intelligence all her life.
Future: These two characters are going to save the day, get the boys off and then ride off into the sunset and get married.
Insights: Set-up the test to appear that the outcome is predetermined and the character will fail.
Breakthrough: In my script, Fran is coaxed into going out for rowing despite not knowing how to swim and having a fear of the water. I need to develop this fear more so that when the test comes in the boat, she overcomes this fear and passes the test dramatically. Great transformation opportunity.
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Bob Kerr
Insights: The real power of this film is it is based on actual events.
Breakthrough: As my script is based on actual events, I see opportunities to expand the ending and make it even more effective.
First Time Viewing:
Fitting ending based on who they have been: Rudy’s journey has grown from being an undersized, academically lacking aspirant to play for Notre Dame. No matter what obstacles he has to overcome, Rudy endures hardships, sacrifices and the physical abuse of being fodder as a member of the scout team to earning the respect and support of his teammates, the student body and ultimately the coaches.
They experience the end in their own unique way:
Rudy finally gets on the field and he has to get permission to stay on the field despite the game being out of reach for the opponent. He is the ultimate team player.
This brings their journey to a conclusion:
This is Rudy’s last opportunity to play. With the support and belief of his teammates, he fulfills a lifetime dream and even makes a tackle for a loss. Rudy is carried off the field by his teammates and there is not more fitting ending to Rudy’s journey.
Second Time Viewing:
What makes the characters engaging?
In major college football, regardless of the era, somebody the size of Rudy, would never make the field of play. Rudy’s heart earns him the respect, admiration and support of all the fans, coaches and players. His heart wins them over and he gets to live out a lifelong goal. He is in the stat sheet of a Notre Dame game. He leaves his mark.
How do they express their profile?
Rudy’s actions, while the fans and teammates are chanting his name,is one of surprise and awe. This is the reality of his journey. One of awe and surprise that the even gets admitted to Notre Dame, much less gets on the practice squad. The shots of the crowd, Rudy’s parents, Rudy’s best friend all drive home how deeply loved Rudy is among the people who love a big heart.
Where do you see character depth in this scene?
Rudy changes and becomes an aggressive football payer who gets a sack. The head coach has to change from his conservative approach to ending the game and allow Rudy in the game. The theme is give the “little guy” a shot at immortality.
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Bob Kerr
My strategy is to “Mark as complete” the lessons after I have completed my notes for the homework. I will start Week 3, Day 3 as soon as it is posted. Believe it will be more practical to “Mark as Complete” and move through the lessons. Simple task to come back and record feedback, read others feedback, than it is to wait till the holiday weekend to try and catch up with the video lessons.
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Bob Kerr:
I share Mi Lock’s statement. When the correct discussion form is made available, I will post my feedback, insights and break throughs.
What I learned in the trailer presentation is the character and scene structure presents itself very well. As I look at my script, there are several key points that I have not developed enough.
The breakthrough is that it is small details that enhances drama, conflict and transformation. I’m eager to apply these to my script.
I have managed to get the next two video lessons viewed as well and just waiting for the discussion forums to open.
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Cheryl:
Good morning and hope your holiday week is going well.
I have completed both lessons for Week 3, Day 1 but there is no Forum Discussion for this lesson. It looks like there are discussions for week 4 but nothing for week 3.
With this being right on top of the holiday season, it is critical that the forum discussions are synched up with the lessons. Very much want to avoid working on lessons and scene exchanges on the holiday weekend.
Thank you.
Bob Kerr
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Bob Kerr:
What I learned rewriting my scene.
In my script there is a natural Triangle situation between the lead female character (Fran), her controlling father and the World Champion rowing coach. I have ignored this situation.
The breakthrough, by focusing on this Triangle situation, there is far more conflict, tension and struggle for transformation that will make the scenes and the script much more interesting.
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Bob Kerr:
What I learned by rethinking/rewriting a scene from my script.
Insight: The way the love scene is written in my script it is very subtle and plays much like Jack with Ally. The difference is in my scene it is the woman who is attracted to the guy and uses her feigned interest in the rowing crew as a reason to talk to him.
Breakthrough: I need to carry out this desire, recognition attraction and eventually getting together in a more precise way. To keep them interacting where the guy is basically clueless and the woman is unwilling to ignore her attraction will be more interesting than the way I have originally written it.
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Bob Kerr
Attraction – A Star Is Born
First Time Viewing:
Where does the attraction show up for Ally?
Jack’s eyes, his gentle voice and his emotional vulnerability
Where does the attraction show up for JacK?
The genius of her talent and the power and fierce storytelling of her lyrics.
What is causing that attraction?
They are sharing an intensely intimate moment in a very public place. It is like they exist in a bubble that no one can penetrate except them, their words and their magnetic attraction.
Second Time Viewing:
What drams is this scene built around?
The changing reality of talent and the emerging relationship of a mentor who is destined to be more than a mentor. True love is sparked.
Profile Items:
Right character: There is a need for Ally’s talent to be discovered and Jack is in need of a spark to remind him what his original vision one for his music.
Traits:
Ally: Passionate, humorous, scared and hopeful
JACK: Searching, determined, scared and hurting
Secret:
Ally knows her songwriting is gifted, She lacks self confidence.
Jack: He is burned out and no longer relates to the music he is playing for money.
Wound:
Ally distrusts the industry but can’t deny her passion for her songwriting.
Jack: He remembers when his music was pure and powerful. Not like what he is playing now.
Future: They are destined to be a powerful duo. Her talent, his instincts, connections and magnetic pull to recreating his own rise to stardom. Falling in love will be the byproduct of that artistic intimate relationship.
Insights: the role of mentor/teacher in recognizing talent creates a powerful dynamic of overcoming the students self doubts, fear and dreams.
Breakthrough: There is an attraction scene of two minor, but key, players in my script. I have provided only a surface view of their attraction. There is great opportunity to go deeper and magnify their future has a married couple of 50 years.
What I learned: You can have an intimate moment in very public spaces. Allow your characters to speak softly, share intimate thoughts and then demonstrate the empathy and compassion with a gentle touch of the face or brushing back a stray strand of hair.
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Bob Kerr
Triangles – Oceans 11
First Viewing:
Danny and Tess are having two different conversations. Tess is upset that Danny has shown up and expresses her morale outrage at Danny’s being a thief and a liar. Danny confesses that he no longer lies This confession go9es over Tess’s head as she is threatened by Danny’s presence while waiting for Terry. The contained anger is subtle but powerful.
The secrets, Danny is going to rip-off Terry’s casino and doesn’t want Tess to be caught in the cross fire.
Tess still holds a buried love for Danny.
Terry doesn’t trust Danny at any level.
Intrigue: This scene takes place in opulent settings with wealthy trappings. Danny wants to extract his own brand of justice for the time in prison and the intellectual challenge of beating Terry’s control of the casino.
Second Viewing
The drama is Danny wants to rekindle his relationship with Tess. He demonstrates his attention to her professional competence as a way of establishing rapport. Tess has moved on and spars with Danny. Suggests there are still buried feelings for Danny but she has made a logical decision to move on with Terry. Terry clearly6 views Danny as a potential threat on multiple levels.
Traits:
Danny: Intelligent, romantic, self-assured and curious
Tess: Intrigued, angry, emotionally conflicted and willingness to be deceptive.
Secrets:
Danny has already made the decision to rip-off the casino
Tess is dealing with ancient feelings that have been sparked by the sudden appearance of Danny.
Wounds:
Tess she was deeply hurt when Danny went to prison
Danny: He wants a way to rebuild a relationship with Tess and tries to identify some expectations on her love life.
Future: The pull is magnetic and the reality that Danny can make Tess laugh suggests he will create a massive triangle conflict leading to a transformation of Tess has trhe other side of Terry is revealed.
The Insights: The calm, cool and polite sparring offers more tension than a loud and angry spectacle. It suggests there will be deeper emotions that can be triggered and the possibility that Tess will succumb to the charm and wit of Danny.
Breakthrough:
In my script the original version has only one true romantic relationship. There is a possibility of creating a Triangle to punch up the tension and offer a path to the ultimate transformation and commitment in the romantic relationship.
What I learned:
The nature of societal norms offer tremendous opportunities to be more subtle, more dramatic and create more tension than having my characters make a scene.
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Bob Kerr- POWER STRUGGLES – REMEMBER THE TITANS
1st Time Viewing:
The power struggle is created by three competing groups in the first efforts of school integration at a Virginia High School. The first struggle is between the white coaches> This is highlighted by a top administrator whispering to the former white head coach that all he has to do is bide his time and he will be head coach again. The second is the white All American and the new black head coach. The Third is the parents. There is no effort or desire to mingle with each other. Though the theme is integration clearly it is still more theory than reality.
There are two elements at work here. First the obvious racial issue. Second is the professionalism and dominate will of the black head coach. He makes a choice to public humiliate the white All American or to engage him in a soft voice audible to only them. Thus allowing the player to maintain some sense of agency and self respect.
The audience is clearly divided by the macro of national integration strife brought down to the micro level of a Virginia high school. The theory, embodied by the black head coach is his unwillingness to bend in the face of racism. He is going to fully integrate this team no matter what it takes. What has been forgotten by the white coaches and the white families is the overall goal is to win football games. Not to sustain some “Jim Crow” concept of white superiority.
What I learned is the larger social issues of the day, both past and present, are filled with great conflicts that bring inherent drama, conflict and transformation.
My breakthrough is the opportunity, between coach and athlete to get up close and personal in a way that is both intimate and unique. There are several places in my script where I have initially not dug deep down in a scene between coach and athlete to bring out the tension, drama and lived in future of character transformation.
2nd Time viewing:
The drams of racial integration in the south at a time when the country is struggling and fighting for civil rights.
Right Characters: The head coach is the only one who believes in his vision of integration and parity. The White All American is determined on maintaining the status quo . Obvious conflict.
Traits:
Black Head Coach: Visionary, compassionate, leader and determined
White All American: Racist arrogant, selfish and egotistical
Secret: The black coach has earned the right to be head coach. Gary doesn’t believe the black players can contribute to winning.
Wound: Coach has been denied upward mobility because of his race. Gary is afraid of losing his status.
Future: These two individuals will be a force to reckon with in building a fierce football team that is integrated.
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Bob Kerr – Mismatched Allies – Green Book
First Viewing:
How mismatched are these two characters?
– This is an oil and water combination, Dr. Shirley is cultured, educated and an artist living the artistic life. Tony is a “working class stiff” who is looking for the next job. He has a clear picture of what he is willing to do and what he absolutely will not do. Knows the power of walking away from an interview.
What do they have to get over to be able to work together and become friends?
– First there is a language barrier. Tony is a common man and the language Dr. Shirley uses is unfamiliar to him. Also, Dr. Shirley uses language in a completely different pattern than Tony is familiar with and there are some initial bumps along the way.
– Second they must navigate the unreasonable expectations of Dr. Shirley and the firm boundaries of Tony. No small task for two people on the road together for 8 weeks.
– They must come to a shared and mutual respect. Dr. Shirley had his record label ask around and Tony’s name came up multiple times. Thus Dr. Shirley’s interest in interviewing Tony. Tony has no reference point for Dr. Shirley. But he speaks straightforward and without hesitation. He establishes himself as a man of honor and someone who can be trusted.
Knowing Tony gets the job , how does this mismatch create a future for both characters?
– They are about to embark on an epic quest. It has already been established that they will face problems and potential violence. This does not stop them. Such a journey will create a bond between the two men that will transcend their differences and forge a shared future.
Second Viewing:
The drama is based on the clash of cultures and the knowledge that Dr. Shirley realizes he is searching for a man of unusual qualities who is fearless and honorable. Tony clearly understand what the job is and what his value is to the potential tour.
Right Characters:
The cultural shift of racial stereotypes makes these two characters perfect for conflict, tension and transformation
Traits:
Dr. Shirley: Cultured, elite, biased and unrealistic
Tony: Observant, Purposeful, Plain speaking and curious
Secret:
Dr. Shirley knows he probably has no choice but to hire Tony.
Tony’s pride lets him negotiate upward to preserve his self image for the sacrifice he is about to make
Wounds:
Dr. Shirley has experienced racism before and faced it alone.
Tony has been asked to make sacrifices before and is willing to play the role for the right amount of money.
Future: These two are destined to embark on an epic quest where one becomes the Paladin and the other the rare treasure to be protected at all cost.
The Insights: the details in the costumes, the set decoration and the speech patterns all create an opportunity for rich conflict, tension and the ultimate transformation of both characters.
The breakthrough _ As my script is based on a true story, the details in the minor things like how Dr. Shirley reacts when Tony tells him the conditions under which he will work. The simple lowering of the head is the signal that Dr. Shirley knows he has to redefine his expectations.
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Bob Kerr:
What I learned:
The need to have build up in tension and a dynamic situation to grow the conflict till the inevitable conclusion.
Insight:
In my script, I have a “Worthy Opponent ” situation that lacks build up, sustains the tension and creates the interest to hold the relationship throughout the script.
Breakthrough:
The original draft the conflict is just dropped in with no real build up. I see now how I can magnify this adversary to put more risk into the scene and more drama in the script. Put more mystery/suspense and twist at the end of the script.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Robert Kerr.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Bob Kerr – Week 2, Day 2 – Tombstone
This scene embodies the everlasting battle between dark and light. The characters pose through social graces all the while waiting for the opportunity to kill each other.
First Viewing:
Tension: A bloody close range gun fight that will kill both men probably. There is a fuse of death that has been lit between Ringo & Doc. The rest of the characters stand waiting to see the explosion.
Doc’s Discovery: Ringo is an educated man. He clearly demonstrates self discipline and self control. A lethal combination for a worthy opponent. Also, Ringo is vain the chink in the armor.
Ringo & Doc take all the oxygen out of the situation., Everyone is mesmerized by the tension and the possibility of death. Only Wyatt calmly reaches down to cock a hidden shotgun is necessary. These two titans will kill at the slightest provocation and the skill in the exchange is to see who flinches first.
After the 2nd viewing
The drama is built around the dominance, power and uninhibited threat of violence the Cowboys exert on the town. No one dares to challenge them. Not even Wyatt Earp or Doc Holiday. Until Doc insults Ringo and gets away with it.
Profile items:
Right Characters: Two opposing personalities whose reputation and threat is earned by their legendary prowess with a gun and a willingness to kill.
Traits: Both are vain, intelligent, determined and focused.
Secret: Doc is dying and Ringo is fearful of Doc.
Wound: Ringo’s self identity is tied up with the fear his reputation creates. Doc despises Ringo for his health and the support of the Cowboys.
Future: They are destined to engage in a gunfight to the death. It is only a matter of time and circumstance.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Robert Kerr.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Bob Kerr
Watch for the first time:
What causes you to believe these two belong together?
Both the horse and the jockey are independent, fierce and will not surrender to anyone no matter the odds.
Notice any similar emotions and actions:
The horse is resisting being controlled. He does not want to be dominated. The jockey is unwilling to accept the fate of a gang intent on street justice. These two are destined to be together as two spirits in search of an understanding and compatible partner.
Watch the second time:
What drama is this scene built around:
The trainer has placed his reputation, and perhaps his job, on the line on his evaluation of the horse and its potential. He needs to find a jockey that sees the same qualities in the horse that he does. He needs a jockey with spirit and fight and a barnyard brawl reveals a hidden opportunity for the trainer.
What profile items show up in these two characters:
Actually see there are three characters that show up. The trainer, the horse and the jockey.
Right Character: No one will quit. The horse, the jockey and the trainer. They are all in on the desire to win.
Traits: Independence, fierce, angry and hidden wound
Secret: The horse and jockey have been overlooked for whatever reason. The trainer may be on his last chance.
Wound: No one seems to care about the horse and the jockey. Perhaps their whole life has been one situation after another where they were overlooked or labeled as troublesome.
Future: If all that angry, independence and energy can be channel into one positive vision, there could be magic in the bottle for such a pairing.
What I learned from the rewriting of a scene/character is the need to build clues into the pairing (belonging together). Take the time and patience to build out the drama and respect the synergy that is real.
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Bob Kerr
What I learned rewriting the scene and characters:
The relationship between my main character (Fran) and the World Champion rowing coach has more opportunities for dynamic tension and drama. The relationship can be built out and the end result is a more human coach and a greater character arc for both characters.
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Bob Kerr – Belonging Together – Sleepless in Seattle
Watch First Time:
The two adult characters are having parallel conversations with the radio Dr. Meg’s facial expressions echo Tom’s formal question of how to address the radio Doc.
As Tom goes into his explanation of how his wife made Christmas beautiful Meg emotionally connects. The appearance that Meg is also driving because she fights insomnia comes to light when she is brought back to the reality that she is driving.
Watch second time:
What drama is this scene built around:
Tom’s character is attempting to acknowledge his son’s reaching out to the radio Doc for a connection for his father. Obviously Tom starts out by humoring his son and then allows himself to be vulnerable and this is a magnet drawing Meg’s characters attention.
What profile items show up in the two characters:
Right Character: Tom is trying to create a positive Xmas experience for his son and Meg identifies with that though she is on the other side of the country and only connected through the radio. His genuine love for his son and grief for his wife is appealing to Meg
Traits: Both characters are vulnerable, believe they are missing someone to be truly happy, awash with memories and listeni9ng to the radio Doc looking for relief
Secrets: Tom reveals his secret that his wife left a really big hole that is magnified by the Xmas season. Meg gives the impression that she is searching for a connection because she doesn’t have what she yearns for right now.
Wounds: Tom it is the reality that life is not as good and he is too proud to acknowledge that he needs someone and not just to be the mother to his son. Meg, her wound is hidden at this point.
Living Into The Future: Tom starts off the conversation very skeptical. He has a change of heart when he addresses his pain at why he isn’t sleeping. Meg, she demonstrates through facial expression and falling deep into the conversation realizing this man needs someone and she is probably in the same boat of needing someone.
The Insights and breakthroughs this time are driven by the unique vehicle of a talkj show Doc serving as the connecting point for two single people yearning for love. The breakthrough for me is the opportunity in my script to expand the relationship between the rowing coach and the main character (Fran). More depth and more drama to reveal and share.
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Cheryl/Hal:
Not sure where to designate whom I am exchanging scenes with for the final aspect of week one. I’m exchanging with Lynn, Ann-Marie and Judith. Thanks, Bob Kerr
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Bob Kerr
What I learned rethinking my scene:
As my script is based on actual events, the first draft was focused on the accuracy of the timeline. Now, with the knowledge gained in this assignment, I see how I can add depth and character motivation to most of the turning points in my script.
Specifically when the lead character Fran tells her father she is changing her college major from music to business. This is contrary to the deal she made with her father to take here and her young daughter back into his house and support her as she goes back to college. The original way I wrote this was very abbreviated and stilted. I now see how I can show the wounds of both Fran and her father in this critical turning point.
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The insights and breakthroughs on this particular assignment are truly game changing for my script. This scene demonstrates how you can write dialogue that turns on a dime from an innocent and hopeful question to a self destructive explosion at the end.
What I learned from the 1st viewing?
The underlying subtext for both Skylar and Will is the wounds they carry that drive fear and gets in the way of intimacy and true love. The explosion in the dialogue demonstrates the deep wounds that Will feels and the unknown trigger that Skylar created when she was asking WIll to join her in California
What I learned from the 2nd viewing?
The drama that is the foundation for the scene is the challenges of designing a future together when the communication from one party has been less than authentic and honest.
The traits I see:
Skylar:
Hopeful, in love, clarity and determined
Will:
Scared, aggressive, defensive and ashamed.
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Bob Kerr
What I learned from this assignment
Insights:
They capacity to stretch out the drama with a secret/demand/reveal can add both audience appeal as well as contribute to a heightened conflict. The opportunity to build on these elements will add audience engagement as well as add depth and texture to the characters
Breakthrough:
In my script I have initially written these elements in a very flat and straight forward manner. While the timeline in the script is accurate, a key component of a script based on actual events, there are several key scenes where by utilizing different vehicles to reveal the secret I can create a whole different landscape and motivation for why the heroine is doing what she is doing.
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Bob Kerr
WATCH 1st TIME:
How is Kate’s secret set-up?
In a dramatic scene the doctor (Jack), filled with empathy, wants to sooth his dying patient (the Marshal) so he looks in his jacket to pull out a wanted poster of Kate. The Marshall’s last words are ” She’s dangerous”
What causes demand to know what the secret is?
Sawyer appeals to Kate’s sense of being isolated by suggesting she and he might be the only people on the island that really doesn’t belong here. Creates a sense of common ground and perhaps common purpose. Now, to uncover what is beneath the surface, Sawyer gets her to play a drinking game.
How is Kate’s secret revealed?
Sawyer methodically walks through a series of questions to get to the key question that he suspects Kate shares with him. With each question, Kate slowly loosens up and the alcohol provides the vehicle to lower her defenses.
WATCH 2nd TIME
What drama was the scene built around?
The dynamics of interpersonal relationships that know only part of the whole story. Through flashbacks and dialogue we see the intersection of pain, loss, betrayal and ruthlessness with lots of questions still to be answered.
What traits showed up in these characters words and actions?
Jack:
Empathy, uncompromising, diligent and curious
Kate:
Observant, cunning, ruthless and independent
Sawyer:
Devious, arrogant, ruthless and opportunistic
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Bob Kerr
WHAT I LEARNED FROM RETHINKING/REWRITING MY SCENE/CHARACTER:
My script is based on a true story where a reigning World Champion Rower comes to Wichita, Kansas to start a rowing crew at Wichita State. The way I’ve originally written the character is as a one dimensional character driven by perfection and the burning desire to compete and win at everything in life. The breakthrough I have from this assignment is there are plenty of opportunities to show this character as being the change agent instead of the task master. As a change agent he offers more moments that build on the challenge of forging a crew and provides great scenes for character development.
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Bob Kerr
WATCH 1st TIME:
Where is Junah coming from?
He is emotionally scarred and doesn’t trust himself. He questions whether his past self can be rekindled to rise once again to the glory and admiration of his past before the war.
Where is Bagger Vance coming from?
Bagger is a Jedi Master in search of a pupil. He has learned of the big golf match and seeks to be a spark for the hero’s journey. He wants only a $5 guarantee to emphasize his motive is to enjoy the grace and beauty of the game while being a caddy for a reluctant hero.
What makes them right for their roles in this movie?
The game of golf, as shown in this period piece, is very elitist and classist. Situated in the Deep South, a local boy who has risen to epic achievements on the golf course, is destroyed by the horrors of war and his part in that war. He returns home to be manipulated into playing in a 3 way match game with the two greatest golfers of the era. Junah is so embarrassed by his lack of confidence, he hides in the gloom of evening to practice. Bagger is the cheery ever humble mentor who knows the prowess of Junah and he strives to rebuild Junahs confidence and in the process teach him about the rhythm of life and also golf. The stereotypical relationship, for the time, provides all the subtext for this evolving and powerful relationship.
WATCH the 2ND TIME:
What drama was this scene built around?
Junah is desperate to prove himself. He punishes himself and his frustration fuels his poor performance. Along comes Bagger Vance who has a keen mind, a sharp and appropriate speech and he demonstrates his knowledge through his ability. Once he shows he knows what he is talking about, Junah steps into the role of pupil and see’s immediate results. This sets the stage for the hero’s journey that Junah is on and the temporary physical presence that Bagger Vance will be for a mere $5.
What traits show up in these two characters by their words and actions?
Junah:
Scarred, elitist, impatient and scared
Bagger Vance:
A mystic Jedi Master, polite, accommodating and jovial
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Bob Kerr
What I learned from rethinking my scene and character:
As I looked at a key interaction in my script, I see strategic ways to infuse the dialogue with more conflict and controversy. The way I have written it it is very surface. The breakthrough I experienced is the scene can be charged with emotion and signal the transformational journey my lead character (Fran) must make to go from a desperate woman being divorced by her husband to a take charge leader of the first rowing crew in the history of the university.
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Bob Kerr
1st Viewing:
What future is Sarah living into:
The probability that she is the salvation of the human species. She struggles with her current situation and the unimagined reality that she is the salvation.
What future is Kyle living into:
Kyle is fulfilling his highest purpose, to meet and protect the legend “Sarah Connor”. He only know she must survive and he is willing to make the supreme sacrifice to ensure Sarah lives.
What is Sarah’s transformation that is implied by the scene:
Filled with doubt and self pity, she faces the reality that the man who has risked his life to save her from the Terminator is now wounded. She has no other choice but to dig deep and find the courage and willpower to field dress a gun shot wound. She has never done this and is guided by her sense of doing it right. This is her first lesson is becoming the mother of John Connor and training his to be the leader that is essential for the survival of the species.
2nd Viewing
What drama was the scene built around?
The very first element of the scene was the radio broadcast of the largest manhunt in a five county area. Sarah and Kyle are now being hunted by both the Terminator and the authorities, They have no allies and very few provisions. This establishes a scenario were they both are thrust into a combat life or death reality. Kyle is prepared for this. Sarah must learn and learn very quickly.
What traits showed up in these 2 characters by their words and actions?
Sarah: Reluctant, curious, concerned and frustrated.
Kyle: Combat oriented, commitment, enamored and strategic
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First Viewing:
Will’s Traits:
Protector, hyper-intelligent, willing to engage in combat and observant
Skylar Traits:
Curious, playful, deflects and impressed
Chuckie’s Traits:
Confident, salesman, girl crazy and leader
2nd viewing:
The drama was heightened by the various observers in the scene. The face-off was a great opportunity to watch the brewing conflict and allowed the viewing audience to see the impact that two intellectual combatants were oblivious to.
Why sit the scene in a Harvard bar – for the working class men this is the best opportunity to meet young women with real capital both socially, sexually and future orientation. Froth with tension and territorial sparring between the Harvard students and the working class.
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What I learned rewriting my scene/character is the need to create more dynamic setups and payoffs and not just pedestrian dialogue. There is a future my characters are living into and I must expand the journey through both dialogue and actions. As I look at my script, there are several places where I could utilize this technique to achieve more tension and more drama.
Insights:
The setup of the radio announcement describing a 5 county manhunt for Sarah and Kyle. Combined with the Terminator’s hunting them, they are strangers in a strange land on the run with no allies and no equipment.
Breakthrough:
The message Kyle shared for Sarah from her son John sets the stage for decisions to be made. The future is not determined and what Sarah & Kyle do will be what makes this journey survivable.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Robert Kerr.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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Bob Kerr
Written 2 scripts
I want to build deeper characters and get my scripts over the top and sell.
When I first started to dream of being a screenwriter, I took jobs as an extras in Denver, Colorado. It was very interesting and gave me great insights into how a film is made and the details involved.
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Robert (Bob) Kerr
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Bob Kerr: Rewrite of QE Cycle #6
LOGLINE:
Two coxswains must work together to prepare for the biggest regatta of their lives while sparring with each other.
ESSENCE:
Two coxswains are mutually attracted to each other and fight to cover-up they love each other.
INT: SHOCKER BOAT HOUSE – EVENING
It is early evening in late September as rowing coach MIKE POSTON, a 6’3″ lean man with wavy hair, stands in the middle of the boat racks while instructing his crew at the end of a grueling practice.
MIKE:
Okay crew. I know this was a particularly challenging practice but that is nothing compared to what we will face tomorrow. Yale is a seasoned crew and they aren’t coming here just to make a show of it. Now today we’ll wrap-up with a 3 mile run. Now get going.
There is general grumbling among the crew but they start out the door.
MIKE:
MARCUS & CARLEY you two coxswains stay behind. I got something special for you two.
MARCUS HAUSER, a 5’5″ slightly built college senior with blond hair and blue eyes, and sophomore CARLEY GONZALES , a 5’2″ woman with straight raven colored hair and hazel eyes, look at each other and shrug their shoulders in resignation.
MARCUS:
(whispers to Carley)
If you get me tossed out of my boat, you’ll regret it and you can take that to the bank.
CARLEY:
(whispers back to Marcus)
I didn’t do anything. Just followed your lead out there, captain.
They both walk around the boat racks and stand in front of Mike.
MIKE:
I don’t know what is going on with you two but the stunt you pulled out on the water today is unacceptable. With the regatta tomorrow we need to be humming like a well-oiled crew. Since you are in leadership roles, the two of you are going to tune-up all the rigors and oar locks in this boat house. Maybe that will teach you to work together.
MARCUS
Sorry for any problems coach. I’ll make sure we get this done and we’ll be ready for Yale.CARLEY:
Absolutely coach.
MIKE:
You’ll get it done or your both off the crew. Is that understood?
MARCUS & CARLEY
(in unison)
Yes coach.
MIKE:
Good. Now I’m off to a donors reception. You lock up and turn off the lights.Don’t even think about leaving early. I will check your work and I’ll know if you finished the job or not.
Mike goes over to the desk at the end of the boathouse and picks up his briefcase and heads towards the door.
MIKE (CONTINUED)
Every last rigor and oar lock and try not to kill each other.
MARCUS:
You can trust us coach. I’ll make sure we get it done.
Mike shrugs his shoulders and exits out the door.
CARLEY:
You’ll take care of it? Coach didn’t say anything about you being in charge.
MARCUS:
Didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers. I think the best strategy is for you to take all the shells and sculls on the lower racks and I’ll take care of the shells on the upper rack.
CARLEY:
That still doesn’t make you the boss of me.
Carley strips off her sweatshirt revealing a tight tank top underneath the sweatshirt that highlights the taut physique of an athlete. She glances over at Marcus, who has paused in his work to admire Carley’s body.
CARLEY:
(CONTINUED)
Who knew rowing could be so dirty. That is my only clean sweatshirt and I’m going to need it for tomorrows race. Don’t strain yourself looking at me. I’m right here.
MARCUS:
I imagine you’re actually pretty use to guys staring at you.
CARLEY:
You didn’t act so interested on the water. What was that all about, anyway?
MARCUS:
I love setting my opponent up to fail, it’s sort of my bag.
CARLEY:
But, I’m not your opponent. I’m your teammate.
MARCUS:
Anybody in another boat on the water is my opponent. It is how I maintain command of my boat. My crew understand I will strategically do anything to win a race. Even in practice.
CARLEY:
(Stops adjusting the rigors and stands with her hands on her hips)
I care about my crew. We may be the novice eight but they will win tomorrow while your varsity eight are clearly in over your head.
Marcus stops what he is doing and faces Carley.
MARCUS:
That almost sounds like a challenge. Want to place a wager on the outcome? My varsity eight in our race and you and your novice eight in your race? Loser has to fix the winner a dinner.
CARLEY:
That sounds like you are asking me out on a date.
MARCUS:
Don’t be evasive. If you think you can coxed your boat to victory than make the commitment.
Take-out doesn’t count. You have to actually cook a meal. I prefer meatloaf.
CARLEY:
You have no idea what you are getting yourself in for it. I’ll take that bet.
Carley starts to walk towards Marcus with her hand extend when she slips on the wet floor and grabs a rigor from a single scull and pulls it down on top of her with a loud thud
Marcus sees this and runs over to where Carley is pinned on the ground underneath the scull.
MARCUS:
Carley, are you okay. I need you to be okay.
CARLEY
(struggling to get the scull off of her)
You need me to be okay? Don’t you mean the crew needs me to be okay?
MARCUS:
No. I mean I need you to be okay. How else are you going to cook my victory meal.
Now lay still and let me get this scull off of you.
Marcus, lifts up the bow and rotates the scull off of Carley.
MARCUS (CONTINUED)
The scull looks to be undamaged. How about you?
Carley slowly sits up and checks her limbs and appears to be okay.
CARLEY:
Now help me up this floor is wet.
Marcus bends down and as he helps Carley to her feet, he pulls her face to face with him. He stares at her hazel eyes and strokes her raven hair. He slowly leans in to kiss Carley.
MARCUS:
I’ve been thinking about that for a long time.
Carley smiles, wraps her arms around his neck.
CARLEY:
What took you so long!
She kisses Marcus and they embrace in a passionate kiss.
Unnoticed by Marcus and Carley, coach Mike has returned to the boathouse.
MIKE:
What the hell is going on in here?
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Bob Kerr: QE Cycle #6
What I learned from this lesson is the the quality of my writing increases with my mastery of these techniques
LOGLINE: Two people who are rivals on the water have a realization have something deeper going on between them.
ESSENCE: Near tragedy brings two people together.
SCENE:
INT. SHOCKER BOAT HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON
In late September, after the final practice before a big regattas, rowing coach MIKE POSTON, a 6’3″ lean man with wavy hair, MARCUS HAUSER, a 5’5″ slight built college senior with blond hair and sophomore CARLY GONZALES, a 5’2″ beauty with raven colored hair are standing in the boathouse surrounded by rowing shells, oars and other equipment.
MIKE:
Okay you two. I’m putting you in charge of checking all the rigors and oar locks for tomorrow’s regatta. Set them up tight. I’m going to a reception with some donors to close the deal on two new shells. Do you two think you can manage that without all the bickering and arguing with each other?
MARCUS:
No problem coach. I’ll make sure we get this done. Should be done her in about an hour. We’ll be ready for victory tomorrow.
CARLEY:
Yes sir! I’ll take good care of it and we’ll play nice.
MIKE:
I’ll hold you to that. Don’t forget to lock up and turn off the lights when you’re done.
MARCUS:
I got it coach. I’ll take care of it.
Mike nods his head, picks up his briefcase and heads out the door.
CARLEY:
You’ll take care of it? Coach didn’t say anything about you being in charge.
MARCUS:
My apologies. Didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers. Now we have to divide up the work so we can get out of here quickly. I think our best strategy is for you to do the 4’s and sculls on the lower rack and I’ll do the 8’s on the upper rack.
CARLEY:
Still doesn’t make you the boss of me.Carley stretches and takes off her sweatshirt revealing the tight tank top she is wearing underneath.
CARLEY (CONTINUED)
Who knew rowing could be so dirty. That is my only clean sweatshirt and I’ll need it for tomorrow.
Marcus stops what he is doing and is clearly admiring the toned physique of his fellow coxswain.
MARCUS:
Imagine how dirty it is when they throw you in the river if they win the race tomorrow. You do know that is a tradition?CARLEY:
You act like I’m a rookie. You forget yourself. I’ve been thrown in the river more than once.
MARCUS:
You are still in the novice 8. Not in the varsity 8 like me.
CARLEY:
I care about my crew. We’re just as important as the varsity crews. Besides, all you care about is proving your strategy works better than coaches.
Marcus is tightening the rigors on an eight in the upper rack and stops to respond.
MARCUS:
Setting my opponent up to fail is sort of my bag. Coach isn’t in the boat when we’re in the race. It’s just me and the men. They follow my commands and we win races!
Marcus comes over to test the rigors Carley has been tightening. As he puts a strain on them, he looks at Carley bent over the next rigor.
MARCUS:
I imagine you don’t have much of a social life between classes and rowing. I suspect you get lots of opportunities though, right?
CARLEY:
Why do you care? The guys all laugh at the funny words in rowing. Words like stroke, cox, rigor, catching a crab and fours. That usually ends the conversation and I’m fine with that.
MARCUS:
We cox’s catch a lot of grief from the oarsmen. They figure because they’re bigger, stronger and have an oar in their hand they are superior. But, it’s my strategy that steers the boat and they must follow my command. They have no other choice if they want to stay in my boat.
CARLEY:
I just let boys think what they well. Boy’s never change. Just like you, right?
Carley moves to the next single scull and as she she puts leverage on tightening the rigor, her foot slips on the wet floor and she falls. As she falls she grabs the scull and pulls it down on top of her. Marcus hears the crash, turns and see’s Carley under the scull. He drops his wrench and rushes over to see if she’s hurt. As he lifts the scull off her he bends down and places his hands on her shoulders.
MARCUS:
Don’t move till you catch your breath. Do you hurt anywhere? I need you to be okay.
Carley moves her arms and legs and takes a deep breath. She props herself up on her elbows and looks Marcus deep into his green eyes and feels his powerful hands on her shoulders.
CARLEY:
You mean the crew needs me to be okay, don’t you?
Marcus leans in closer as he bends down on one knee
MARCUS:
Actually, I mean me.
With that, Marcus lowers his face and meets Carley’s lips with a kiss. Carley returns the kiss.
MARCUS:
I’ve been imagining kissing you for some time.
Carley puts her hands on Marcus’s shoulders and slowly gets up from the floor. She is standing facing Marcus with her hands still on his shoulders.
CARLEY:
Took you long enough!
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Bob Kerr – Rewrite of QE Cycle #5, Max Interest Techniques and Character Traits
LOGLINE: The lazy morning afterglow of two lovers is interrupted by police and one will leave in handcuffs.
ESSENCE: Betrayal in the high stakes world of smuggling blended with world class artists.
INT. PENTHOUSE SUITE – LATE MORNING
The suite of the world renowned conductor of the Denver Symphony Orchestra is filled with art pieces, a piano and other collectible treasures gathered from PHILLIP FORTIS’s globe trotting career. Phillip is a tall elegant looking man in his mid-40’s with a mane of silver hair and piercing blue eyes. BEVERLY HOPE, a mid-twenties attractive woman of medium height with red hair and green eyes serves as first violinist in the orchestra. Phillip is sitting on the edge of the bed rummaging on the floor for his clothes. Beverly is standing with her bare back to Phillip as she pulls on her blouse.
PHILLIP:
Where is my cape? I must have eggs benedict and mimosa today and I must have my cape. I can’t go out in public without my signature cape!
BEVERLY:
It can’t have gone far.
Beverly notices the cape on the edge of the bed and grabs it and hides it from Phillip.
BEVERLY (CONTINUED)
It’s such a nice day outside, maybe we could order something delivered? After all, we could have an encore performance right here. I could perform for you while you enjoyed your brunch?
PHILLIP:
As tempting as that is, I want to enjoy my adoring fans as we walk into the restaurant. They so loved me at last nights performance. I would feel guilt denying the peasants a glimpse of true genius!
Just then there is a knock on the door.
V.O.
This is The Denver Police. We want to talk to Phillip Fortis. Open the door
BEVERLY:
What have you done Phillip? Should I answer the door?
Phillip final pulls on a shirt and combs his hands through his silvery mane.
PHILLIP:
I insist. Probably forgot to sign the commissioners program at the after party last night.
There is now a pounding on the door.
V.O.
Open the door! We have urgent police business with Phillip Fortis. Open the door.
BEVERLY:
Okay.
Beverly walks barefoot to the front door and opens it to see two detectives flashing their id.
One, DETECTIVE POLLACK is a ruddy faced stocky man in a drab suit clearly bought off the rack. The other, DETECTIVE CHRISTIE is a handsome white man with blond hair and a tailored suit.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
Where is Phillip Fortis and who are you?
BEVERLY:
The maestro is finished getting dressed. He has an appointment that he is running late for and I am escorting him to the appointment.
DETECTIVE CHRISTIE:
Do you plan on escorting him barefoot? Might be uncomfortable don’t you think? Now who are you?
BEVERLY:
I’ll have you know I’m the first violinist of the Denver Symphony Orchestra and the maestro is very particular about people wearing shoes in his suite. Please take them off if you are coming in.
The two detectives look at each other and decide they won’t comply with the request.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
Us wearing shoes is the last thing Phillip will need to worry about dear. Now where is Phillip Fortis?
Phillip emerges from his bedroom now fully dressed and his hair flowing.
PHILLIP:
Here I am my good man. Now what is that I can help you with gentlemen?
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
We need to confirm your whereabouts last night around midnight?
PHILLIP:
Why my good man I was at the Diamond Cafe enjoying champagne with the donors of our orchestra. We had a concert last night and I always go and mingle with the patrons. Let them see true greatness up close you know.
DETECTIVE CHRISTIE:
I suppose you can get witnesses to collaborate that?
BEVERLY:
I can. I was with the maestro and I even brought my violin to entertain the patrons. It was a delightful time.
PHILLIP:
What is this all about? I have an appointment to keep and I don’t want to be late.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
We have been tracking a scheme to smuggle drugs using the luggage of the orchestra to
hide the drugs. Isn’t it true that you personally have a lot of luggage you take on tour?
PHILLIP:
Why yes my dear man, I do. I simply must keep up appearances and I have earned the reputation of the finest dressed conductor in the world. It is a byproduct of my artistic persona.
DETECTIVE CHRISTIE:
Isn’t it also true that your luggage is never screened or inspected when you go on tour?
PHILLIP:
Absolutely. We are not simply people traveling. We are artists sharing our gifts to an adoring public.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
So you pack your own luggage?
PHILLIP:
Oh heavens sake no. I can’t be bothered with such menial tasks.
BEVERLY:
I’m the one that manages that task. As first violinist I am also the orchestra master. I am responsible for all the preparations when we go on tour. What are you suggesting? I must know.
DETECTIVE CHRISTIE:
We’re not suggesting anything. We had a tip that you’re smuggling 5 kilos of cocaine on your west coast tour. We obtained a search warrant and found the drugs in the personal luggage of Phillip. Since you are the one supervising the preparations, you are now under arrest.
BEVERLY:
Me?! I haven’t done anything. Phillip, do somethings. I need your help!
PHILLIP:
Don’t worry my dear. This is all probably a huge misunderstanding. Now go quietly and I will get you out of bondage by this evening.
DETECTIVE CHRISIE:
Turn around miss and put your hands behind your back.
Beverly complies.
DETECTIVE CHRISTIE:
You are under arrest for the illegal transport of narcotics. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
BEVERLY:
Phillip! Don’t leave me like this.
PHILLIP:
Where exactly are you taking her?
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
The downtown station.
PHILLIP:
Relax dear. You’re in good hands and I will move heaven and earth to free you tonight.
The detectives take custody of Beverly and walk out the door. Phillip walks to the door, glances outside and then closes the door.
INT: PENTHOUSE SUITE – AFTERNOON
Phillip is pouring himself a brandy and walks into the living room of the suite. He puts down the glass and opens the top of piano bench to pull out a burner phone. He dials a number.
PHILLIP:
Yes the plan worked perfectly. Now, when they transport that bitch to the courthouse, get your people to eliminate her and tie up the last loose thread. We’ll resume operations after I get back from the tour. They don’t call me the conductor for nothing.
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Bob Kerr: Character relationships, New Max Interest and Reveals
LOGLINE: Two members of a world renowned orchestra are trapped in a police snare
ESSENCE: Betrayal in the artistic world on smuggling.
INT: PENTHOUSE APARTMENT – MORNING
The penthouse apartment is the residence of the world renowned conductor of the Denver Symphony orchestras, PHILLIP FORTIS. He is a dashing man in his mid-forties with a mane of blond hair and stands 6 feet tall. The apartment is filled with art work and treasures from his world travels. BRANDY HOPE , is a beautifulmid-20’s woman of medium height with flaming red hair and blue eyes, is the first violinist in the orchestra and rumored to be having an affair with Phillip.
PHILLIP:
I’m think I deserve a special brunch this morning. Something sweet with a huge glass of mimosa. That is exactly what I deserve this morning.
BRANDY:
Hmm, that sounds delicious. perhaps I could bring my violin and I could entertain you whule you enjoyed your meal. Wouldn’t that be just perfect?
There is a knock n the door.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
This is the police. We’re want to talk to Phillip Fortis.
PHILLIP:
What an unfortunate disturbance. I will have to delay our little adventure. Please, let them in.
Brandy walks to the front door and opens it. She is greeted by Detective Keizer who shows his badge. His partner, DAVID POLLACK both shows their badges and Brady acknowledges them and lets them in the apartment.
BRANDY:
Whatever this is, please be quick about it. The maestro has an urgent appointment and he can’t be late.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
And you are Brandy Hope, is that correct?
BRANDY:
Naturally. I’m the first violinist in the orchestra and I’m here to escort the maestro to his appointment.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
Well, the maestro is going to be a few minutes late. Maestro, can you fill in some details where you were after last nights performance?
PHILLIP:
Naturally. I went t o the reception in the gallery across from the concert hall. It is one of the things I most look forward to after a performance. Was there about an hour and then I returned to my apartment.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
You made no other stops last night?
BRANDY:
What are all these questions? The maestro is a renowned artist and is above suspicion for whatever this is.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
Entertaining position. But, we are investigating the smuggling of drugs and the maestro, has you call him, is the prime suspect. His status and travels makes him a perfect candidate for the crime.
BRANDY:
This is absurd! I was with him after the concert and we never left the apartment. I’m his alibi.
PHILLIP:
Brandy please, don’t protect me. My innocence is all that is required. Now detective, how could I possible be a suspect in this terrible crime?
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
Don’t you travel with a significant amount of luggage when you perform?
PHILLIP:
Yes, I do I have to maintain appearances at all my concerts, and other appearances. I am entitled to look my best at all times. I’ve earned my reputation as one of the best dressed men in my profession.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
That’s the point. No one looks at your luggage. Your VIP status has earned you the ability to travel with immunity from inspection. Last night we got a tip that you were smuggling cocaine in one of your pieces for the trip to Europe starting tomorrow. Is that true?
PHILLIP:
It’s a command performance tour. But, I don’t pack my luggage. That is far too menial a task for me to waste my time with. All I do is leave the instructions for the wardrobe to Brandy and she makes sure everything is packed and accounted for. I feel guilty about delegating that task but I must concentrate on my work and not my packing.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
Is that true Miss Hope. You are responsible for packing the luggage?
BRANDY:
Why yes. It is part of my responsibilities as first violinist. I’m the orchestra master and I’m responsible to over see all of the equipment and luggage.
DETECTIVE KEIZER:
Then you are the one who is responsible for the five kilos of cocaine we found in the luggage?
BRANDY:
No! I just took the list and packed the wardrobe. Nothing else. Why would I traffic in drugs?
I’m innocent.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
That’s not what the evidence says. You are under arrest for the smuggling of cocaine and anything you say can and will be used against you. Now turn around and put your hands behind your back.
BRANDY:
Phillip, do something. You know I’m innocent! Help me, please!
PHILLIP:
Don’t worry my dear. We’ll get this all settled. Just cooperate and go with these nice detectives and I will do everything in my power to get you out in time to leave tomorrow.
DETECTIVE POLLACK:
Do what you have to do sir. We’re booking her and she will be held at the downtown station..
With that the detectives take Brandy, in handcuffs, out the door All the while Brndy is proclaiming her innocence.
INT: PENTHOUSE APARTMENT – AFTERNOON
Phillip is sitting in his chair as he talks on his burner cell phone. He is drinking a glass of brandy.
PHILLIP:
That set-up worked great. The little bitch is going to languish in the justice system
while we head off to Europe and our buyers. Don’t worry about anything. If the police get suspicious, just eliminate the patsy and the media will spin as a gang situation. They don’t call me the conductor for nothing.
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Bob Kerr: MAX Interest assignment.
What IO learned from this assignment is that I am not comfortable using all these techniques in a random process. I see how to applyu them in my script but will need lots more practice to develop mastery over them in a completely random situation.
LOGLINE:
Person A is persuaded by a woman to bury the hatchet with Person B so she and Person A can live happily ever after only to betray Person B into a fatal reality.
Interest technique ideas:
Suspense: A approaches B with a weapon in his hand.
Major Twist: The woman betrays Person B and takes the gun from Person A and kills Person B
Surprise: Person B is returning from the doctors office after being told he has six weeks to live.
Put In More Interesting Situation: Person A is backstage at an award show and extends a peace offering to Person B before the curtain goes up.
Mislead/Reveal: Person B is dying and he wants to get forgiveness from Person A.
Character Changes Rapidly: Person A with Person C by his side offers Person B what Person B wants most in life, Person C by his side. Person A leverages Person C to bushwhack Person B.
Betrayal: Person C enters with Person B as Person A comes to let bygones be bygones. As Person B extends his hand to shake Person A’s hand, Person C takes a gun out of her purse and fatally shoots Person B
Superior Position/Dramatic Irony: Person A has been offered a prized promotion but she must enlist the support of her ex-lover Person B. With the aid of her new lover Person A gets a meeting and makes a peace offering. Person B is ready to accept but Person C suggests that he has blackmail material and Person B must pay or be exposed as a drug addict.
Uncertainty/Hope – Fear: Person A has reluctantly agreed to Person C’s threat of bodily harm if he doesn’t set up Person B. Person B has already paid to assassinate Person A when they meet.
Intrigue: Person A doesn’t realize that her plans to setup Person B when she approaches Person B to “make-up” has been revealed to the authorities and Person A is faced with a lose-lose situation.
HOOK: Person A is given the choice to “bait & switch Person B or her child will be killed
Dilemma: Person A doesn’t see as way out of a lose-lose situation unless she sets-up her lover for a fall.
Predictions: Person A offers a peace offering to assure happiness and joy for all concerned.
Something Unseen: Person A has Person C hide in the shadows with a microphone has Person A talks to Person B about the bank job they pulled last year where people died. The whole purpose is to get Person B to acknowledge that reality.
Mystery: Person A has been absent from Person B’s life for six months after screwing him over. Mysteriously Person C enters the scene and the outcome is ominous for Person B
Creating a future: Person A promises that there is a future together after Person B accepts her apology for falsely accusing him of domestic violence.
Anticipatory dialogue: Person B tells Person A that he doubts this out of the blue offer to mend fences. Once a cheat always a cheat and liar.
Cliff Hanger: Person A has paid Person C to target Person B for termination. After the hand shake, Person C aims and fires and we hear Person B tell person A: not this time.
Uncomfortable moment : Person A has gone to great lengths to get Person B to agree to a meet. Person C has agreed to double cross Person B at the right moment. Before the meet, Person C tells Person A that the fate of Person B is the same fate as Person A.
SCENE:
INT: UNIVERSITY DIRECTOR’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON
Rich has been called to the Directors office. He is expecting praise for his recent national award. The Director, James, had been harsh on Rich for delaying completion of the project and Rich was expecting to get an “Atta Boy” and an apology for the way he was chastised by the Director in front of the entire staff. Rich walks in to office and see’s Leanne, the Assistant Director also in the room.
RICH:
Good afternoon. I think you’d be very excited about the award I received. Doesn’t It look great for us and the university.
DIRECTOR:
Yes, it is a good thing and your work is appreciated. I want to extend my congratulations on your recognition and Leanne is here to take our picture for the Alumni Magazine. This is a big deal and we want everyone to see the good work you have done.
LEANNE:
Now lets get the two of you together and James has the certificate from CASE. Now just stand together and hold the certificate and smile.
James and Rich follow instructions. Leanne snaps a couple of pictures and then leaves the room. Rich is excited and looks to also leave the room. James tells him to stay and close the door.
JAMES:
I want to clear up any confusion you might have about how things operate around here.
RICH:
I’m not sure I understand. Whatever it is I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding.
JAMES:
I doubt it. Now sit down!
James tone has changed from the welcoming voice to one of irritation and frustration. Rich sits down and starts to look sheepishly at the floor.
JAMES(CONTINUED)
When I hired you do you remember what I told you about the students?
RICH:
The students. The only thing I remember is you wanted me to get them focused and rejuvenate Homecoming. That’s what I did. That’s what the award is for. What are you referring to?
JAMES:
Funny memory you have Rich. I told you dating students was cause for instant termination. Now, do you remember that?
RICH:
Of course. But, I’m not dating any students in our program.
JAMES:
You seem confused. The point wasn’t limited to just the students in our program it was for any student at all.
RICH:
There is no university policy about fraternization with students. They are legal adults
and as long as I don’t supervise them I have done nothing wrong.
JAMES:
Strange defense. Regardless, I’ve had Leanne watching you for some time. She has been giving me weekly reports on your performance and behavior. Seems like you took over her meeting with the student group last week. She’s your superior and that is unacceptable.
RICH:
I did exactly what she asked me to do. Don’t believe everything she tells you about the session with the students.JAMES:
Regardless. I want your resignation on my desk by end of business today. You have one month severance . Now get your things out of here tonight!
RICH :
This is bullshit!
JAMES:
Rant and rave all you want. I won’t tolerate the kind of behavior you’ve exhibited with
any student under any circumstances. Now get out of my office and you have this afternoon to clean out your office.
INT: RICHS OFFICE
Rich has just finished emailing his resignation letter. He starts to box up his personal belongings. Leanne walks into the office.
LEANNE:
Tough break. What are you going to do next?
RICH:
First why did you lie about what happened with the student group. You know damn good and well that you asked me to take over that meeting.
LEANNE:
Simple. When you and fucked me, you didn’t come back after the first night. Can’t have any man having that kind of leverage over me. Next time a woman seduces you, think before you act.
Leanne snarls and leaves the room.
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Title: Bob Kerr – The structure of the Reveal
What I learned from this assignment is that I have not used the “Reveal” in my script and there are clearly places where it would enrich the quality of my script. I am going to need lots of practice with this technique to effectively use it in this script and future scripts.
LOGLINE: Coach Vespoli struggles with isolation amid a Kansas winter, The remedy is to seek part-time job at private school to relieve the isolation.
1) What do I want to hide from the reader:
a) In Wichita, Vespoli doesn’t have the community of fellow world class athlete to train and socialize with and this becomes deeply isolating.
2) What are the characters hiding from each other?
a) Vespoli is keeping his sense of isolation from the people who hired him and the student athletes he is coaching. He wants to preserve the image that he is in control of the
situation and he can so9lve all problems.
3) What is already known that would be more dramatic if hidden then if it is revealed?
a) Vespoli is a world champion in a team sport. He has trained with fellow crew mates his whole life and lived in the eastern seaboard hotbed of the sport. Now he is truly a
big fish in a small puddle and Kansas winters are vastly different than the winters
on the eastern seaboard of the USA.
4. What would be the best/worst/most dramatic thing that could be revealed at this
point?
a) Vespoli is a true technician and the winter training doesn’t require much rowing mastery. It is all about building strength and stamina among the crew and that
doesn’t fill the day.
b) Vespoli craves human interaction. This teaching affords him the opportunity
to interact with students and teachers that doesn’t exist with the college
athletes he is coaching
c) Vespoli is armed with a graduate degree in education and is looking to apply
it the winter months and thus seeks employment outside of rowing.
5. Knowing the story. what could be under the surface that would create more drama for my character?
a) Vespoli still plans to compete on a world class level and eventually moving into an elite
program as a coach.
6. Are there deeper meanings to the things my characters are saying and doing?
a) For Vespoli it is proving his met5hods of coaching produces dramatic results while
introducing the sport of rowing in virgin regional territory.
7. The structure of the reveal:
a) Demand: The expectations, when Vespoli was hired, was to produce a nationally recognized rowing power in three years.
b) The Cover-up: The process of meeting the expectations of his employment will exact
personal toll on Vespoli that he had not counted on.
c) Reveal: Vespoli takes a part-time teaching job at a Wichita prep school to gain human interaction and allows him to feel more comfortable and looking forward to the rowing task at hand.
8. Write the scene:
INT: ROB WILKINS HOME- EVENING
The home, an elegant Tudor home of a successful financial investor, is decorated for Christmas and is filled with the aroma of pine and the evening meal. Mike Vespoli has arrived to give Rob an update on the first semester evaluation of the Wichita State Rowing crew. Mike is dressed in his Olympic blazer and tie and has come over to share the evening meal with Rob and his wife. Wilkins meets Vespoli and shakes his hand. Wilkins motions for Vespoli to sit in one of the chairs in the living room and Wilkins joins him
WILKINS:
Mike always a treat to see you and just love seeing you in that Olympic Blazer.
VESPOLI:
Thought it might be appropriate for this evening. Sort of a dress rehearsal for when it is time to woo the boosters.
WILKINS:
Good thinking. But, the holiday season has everything on hold and it won’t be until mid-January before we can corral the boosters. The goal is to fund a new eight and a new four for the spring racing season.
VESPOLI:
They will be welcome additions. Since the demand you gave me was to produce a nationally recognized rowing program in three years, the new shells will be a much needed addition to
our current shells. They are all old and well past their prime.
WILKINS:
We’ve always relied on your expertise as a technician to get the most out of the equipment and the crew. Speaking of the crew, how do you evaluate the crew after one semester on the water?
VESPOLI:
A few concerns with the women. The men are shaping up just fine. But, the women are hit and miss to keep a full eight.
WILKINS:
That’s a huge concern! Without the women, we don’t have the support of the university. Without that, we don’t have a program. What are you going to do to shape them up?
VESPOLI:
Well, we now have a new manager, Lee Parker. He will monitor the winter training and handle the logistics of travel and media for the spring regattas. That will give me some time to continue to recruit. It will also ease the feelings of being isolated.
WILKINS:
Isolated? Didn’t think that would be a problem? What is going on?
VESPOLI:
Since the river is frozen, I don’t have a lot of requirements for coaching and there just isn’t much to do all day. Also, given I won’t be going back east for the holidays, I just feel like I can’t do much right now.
WILKINS:
This is the first you’ve mentioned this. Would think you would be enjoying a little break from the stress of training and coaching.
VESPOLI:
Can’t take a break from training. The Pan Am trials are in June and I’ve got to stay fit. I intend to be in the USA crew.
WILKINS:
That sounds like a really lonely winter for you. And Kansas winters can be really hard on folks that aren’t use to it.
VESPOLI:
That’s why I’ve interviewed for a part-time teaching job at Wichita Collegiate Prep school. Going to put my Masters degree to work and fill a big chunk of my day with students and adults. Beats hanging out at my apartment and going a little stir crazy.
WILKINS:
You what? How will that work? Don’t forget you’re hired to build a nationally recognized program within three years. How will this fit into that?
VESPOLI:
Simple, Parker will track the winter workouts. I will be present to direct them. The teaching gig is only for nine weeks and then it will be back on the water.d I will be totally focused and ready to lead the crew.
WILKINS:
Well, if you say so, I’ll trust you. Just don’t forget why you were hired in the first place.
VESPOLI:
Can’t forget. This is exactly what I wanted. Just didn’t count on the isolation. First time without my teammates and that is a weird feeling.
Wilkins wife, CAROLINE, a slender attractive blonde comes into the room.
CAROLINE:
Okay gentlemen. Enough business talk. Dinner is served.
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Bob Kerr – Character Relationships
What I have learned in this assignment:
My initial script explored some of these traits but left others unexplored. By creating rapport, conflict, contrast and competition it will enhanced the subtext and help me with the rewrite and provide more conflict, drama and character driven storyline.
Step 1 – Core traits of my four leading characters
Fran: independent, vulnerable, angry and protective
Calvin: controlling, doting grandfather, opportunistic and old fashioned
Vespoli: Perfectionist, outgoing, driven and isolated
Cheryl: Opportunistic, courageous, driven and outspoken
Step 2 – Put the characters up against each other and tell how their traits cause each of these
a) rapport, b) conflict, cZ) contrast, d) sub-text
Fran/Calvin
Frans protective trait creates rapport with Calvin’s doting grandfather trait.
Fran’s independent trait creates conflict with Calvin’s controlling trait
Fran’s angry trait creates contrast with Calvin’s old fashion trait’
Fran’s vulnerable trait creates competition with Calvin’s opportunistic trait
Subtext is created as Fran is Calvin’s daughter but Calvin is more focused on his granddaughter
Fran/Vespoli
Fran’s independent trait creates rapport with Vespoli’s outgoing trait
Fran’s vulnerability trait creates conflict with Vespoli’s perfectionist trait
Fran’s angry trait creates contrast with Vespoli’s isolated trait
Fran’s protective trait creates competition with Vespoli’s driven trait
Subtext is created as Vespoli needs Fran to completely buy-in to his way and Fran needs to be independent
Fran/Cheryl
Fran’s independent trait creates rapport with Cheryl’s opportunistic trait
Fran’s protective trait creates conflict with Cheryl’s courageous trait
Fran’s angry trait creates contrast with Cheryl’s outspoken trait
Frans’ vulnerable trait creates competition with Cheryl’s driven trait
Subtext is created as Fran’s and Cheryl’s involvement in the crew is for completely opposite reasons. Yet, both must find a way to work together.
Cheryl/Vespoli
Cheryl’s opportunistic trait creates rapport with Vespoli’s perfectionist trait
Cheryl’s outspoken trait creates conflict with Vespoli’s driven trait
Cheryl’s driven trait creates contrast with Vespoli’s outgoing trait
Cheryl’s courageous trait creates competition with Vespoli’s isolated trait
Sub-text is created as Cheryl is a pioneer among pioneers and Vespoli is trying to herd cats in the women’s crew.
Step3/4 – With each pair make an improvement, changing a trait to elevate one of the above states
Fran/Calvin
Change Fran’s angry trait to progressive
Changes Fran’s progressive trait to contrast with Calvin’s old fashion trait
Fran/Vespoli
Change Fran’s vulnerable trait to head strong
Changes Fran’s head strong trait to create conflict with Vespoli’s perfectionist trait
Fran/Cheryl
Change Fran’s angry trait to feminist
Changes Frans feminist trait to contrast with Cheryl’s outspoken trait
Cheryl/Vespoli
Change Cheryl’s outspoken trait to empowered
Changes Cheryl’s empowered trait to create rapport with Vespoli’s perfectionist trait.
C
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Bob Kerr: Lesson 17 QE Cycle #4 Rewrite
LOGLINE: What starts as an innocent walk to the office turns horribly wrong
ESSENCE: A secret kept for years is revealed to the demise of one and the elevation of the other.
TRAIT I CHANGED: MAXINE from Paranoid to Bold
EXT: a bright, crisp autumn day in Denver. The sun is rising and the world is waking up. MAXINE HAZZARD, a 35 year old stunning redhead, opens the door from her condo in LODO, Denver. The doorman. in a suit and cap, holds the door open as Maxine walks through the door.
DOORMAN
Good morning Miss Hazard. A fine day it is for all us sharing the early morning.
MAXINE
Thank you Phillip. It should be a day to remember. But, where’s my car? I think you better call the driver and get it here ASAP.
DOORMAN PHILLIP:
(Pointing to RENEE TRAPPER, a late twenties, auburn hair woman wearing a sharp business coat is waiting at the bottom of the stairs holding two steaming cups of Starbucks coffee in her hands)
The young miss there said you might enjoy a walk to the office today. Said you would be okay with letting the driver go. Hope I didn’t overstep Miss Hazzard.
Maxine looks at Renee and looks at the sunrise and clear blue Colorado skies. She adjusts her Louie Vinton handbag and smiles.
MAXINE:
Phillip it’s okay. I think it is a fine morning for a walk. Nothing like a good stretch of the legs to get the heart pumping.
Maxine glides down the stairs and reaches the sidewalk where she greets Renee.
MAXINE (continued)
Renee tell me that is my usual order.
Renee offers Maxine a cup and smiles.
RENEE
A double espresso with two packets of stevia. Just like I have picked up for you a million times. Hope you don’t mind walking this morning. Get your exercise in early and free you up for the big announcement.
MAXINE
Look at you, thinking two steps ahead. I have trained you well. In fact, after the announcement, I have a big surprise for you. You’ve heard the expression “All boats rise”? Well today you get to ride my wave. Think of it as a reward for keeping things just between the two of us.
RENEE
Of course I kept all the secrets. Secrets are my currency. How else do you think I get all those VIP experiences at the last minute. After today, won’t need to worry about that anymore.
MAXINE
Your loyalty has always been the anchor in my world. Reminds me what life is like for “normal people”. Without that, I would be lost. But, isn’t that a new coat?
RENEE
Yes it is.
Opening the coat Renee shows off a new business suit
It’s just like the one you wore at the “Meet and Greet with the new clients” last month. Like you always told me, dress for the job you want.
MAXINE
Renee that is an outstanding outfit. But, I’ll share a secret with you. It’s not the dress that closes the deal, it’s what you wear underneath the dress that gives you the leverage. I know, I’ve worn enough low cut blouses in my life just to get where I am. Not bad from a girl with a past.
RENEE
Why Maxine, I could never do anything like that. Besides, I like being the prim and proper gal with an outgoing personality. It’s always stead me well, particularly around this town
MAXINE
Each to their own style. But I’m feeling great today. I’m thinking I might give Preston a call and set-up a nooner. Just the pick me up I need till the announcement this afternoon.
RENEE
That’s a bold move on your part. But, it’s what I’ve learned from you. You got to take what you want and hold onto it.
They continue walking towards the office building and they see a group of police officers waiting outside the entrance.
MAXINE
Wonder what they are doing there?
RENEE
I’ve got a pretty good idea. Seems someone gave a tip to the police about an illegal assisted suicide. They are here to take someone in custody.
Maxine stops dead in her tracks.
MAXINE
Renee what have you done?
RENEE
Just following your lead. Remember what I said about secrets are my currency. Well, I leveraged some of that currency for a fast track to a big promotion.
POLICE OFFICER
Miss Hazzard, Miss Maxine Hazzard. We would like to talk to you.
MAXINE
Your fired Renee!
RENEE:
That’s okay. I got a better offer anyway.
-
Bob Kerr Lesson 17 QE Cycle #4
LOGLINE: What starts as an innocent walk to the office turns horribly wrong
ESSENCE: A secret kept is revealed to cause the demise of one and the elevation of the other
TRAIT I CHANGED: Maxine from Paranoid to Bold
SCENE:
EXT: DENVER CONDO IN LODO DENVER, COLORADO – MORNING
RENEE, an attractive red head woman in her late 20’s, is waiting outside of MAXINE’s condo. She is holding two cups of Starbucks coffee. MAXINE is a stunning auburn haired thirty year old. It is an early October morning and the world is waking up.
MAXINE
Opens the door to her condo and sees Renee holding the Starbuck’s cups. Walks down the stairs and smiles.
What’s the occasion? I hope you got my standing order otherwise you’ve wasted money.
RENEE:
I asked at the counter, didn’t leave anything to chance. Even got your two packets of sweetener.
Maxine walks up to Renee, takes the cup and slowly tastes it.
MAXINE
Well the coffee is right. Still doesn’t explain why you’re outside my home at 7am?
Isn’t this neighborhood a bit pricey for you to be wandering around so early? People have door cams you know.
RENEE
I’ve walked through this neighborhood before. A gal has to dream now doesn’t she?
MAXINE
Dreaming and fulfilling a dream is tricky business. Took all my wiles and a few low cut blouses to be able to afford this place. But, still doesn’t explain why you are here at 7am?
RENEE
Thought we could walk to work and celebrate your big day. Not everyday you get promoted to VP.
MAXINE
Considering where I started from, and the pain I endured, today is worth every thing. Certainly, the secret you’ve kept has given me the security I needed to boldly go after what we both want. All boats rise with this promotion.
RENEE
Secrets are the currency of my life. But, what do you think of this outfit I ‘m wearing?
Renee opens her coat and models a very upscale business suit.
I bought just for today.
Maxine pauses in her walk and turns and looks at Renee’s outfit.
MAXINE
That looks like the outfit I wore to the “Meet and Greet” with new clients last month.
RENEE
I know. I admired it and thought it would look great on me. You know what they say, look sharp, be sharp.
MAXINE
In my experience, its what you wear under the outfit that gives you the edge to
close the deal, if you know what I mean.
Maxine chuckles.
RENEE
Oh I could never do that. Not how I was raised.
Renee closes her coat and they continue walking.
RENEE
Tell me what is the first thing you’re going to do with that big raise?
Maxine lengthens her stride and Renee has to keep up.
MAXINE
It’s not what I’m going to buy, it’s how I’m going to gain leverage for my next leap.
RENEE
That’s you, always one step ahead and usually doing it in heels.
As they come to the corner, they wait at the stop light for the pedestrian signal.
RENEE
Before you get too far into your scheming, I think that now is the time to tell you what your day is going to look like.
MAXINE
I know what the day is going to look like. What are you talking about it?
RENEE
Remember how I told you that keeping secrets was the currency of my life.
MAXINE
Sure, every good assistant keeps the ear to the ground.
RENEE
It seems the CEO was very interested to learn you had an abortion instead of attending that conference in LA over the summer. You know how he is about lying and misuse of office resources.
MAXINE
What did you do? You took me to that clinic and promised to never say a word.
RENEE
Just following your lead. Now I’m dressed for my new position and you are dressed for your termination.
MAXINE
Why you little bitch! I’ll get you for this.
RENEE
That’ll be hard to do. I’m filing for a restraining order and you’re not going to be allowed within 500 feet of me. Now, excuse me but I have an appointment and you have to face the music.
With that Renee turns the corner and walks down the street alone. Maxine throws her coffee to the ground and fumes in the street when a well dressed middle aged man comes up to her .
SPENCER
Miss are you alright?
MAXINE
Get the fuck away from me. You men are all a like. Leave me alone!
-
Title: Bob Kerr QE Cycle 3 – Rewrite
LOGLINE: two colleagues are tasked with solving a critical challenge for their university in a short time frame.
ESSENCE: The need to trust and collaborate is a bridge too far for two co-workers and the result is messy.
INT: UNIVERSITY OFFICE – EVENING
The office of the Assistant Director is spacious with a large window looking out on the campus quad. The desk is placed in the middle of the room and the walls are decorated with framed diploma’s, pictures of famous alumni posing with the Assistant Director and a framed copy of a national award she has received. The Assistant Director, NANCY, is a stunning African American woman, late twenties and is tall and lean. She is on the phone when SQUIRE, a twenty something, white handsome staff member walks in the door. Nancy points to the chair in front of her desk and motions for Squire to sit down and close the door.
NANCY:
Yes Rich, we’ll take care of it. I’ll email you our solution by 7pm tonight. Don’t worry I’ve got your back. Enjoy the rest of the conference.
Nancy hangs up the phone.
SQUIRE
Sounds like Rich has a bit of an emergency. What’s up?
NANCY:
It’s a disaster. Seems like Gene, the President of the Parents Association has flaked on us and resigned with one week till Parents Weekend. You and I are tasked to come up with a strategy to get a replacement and get it to Rich by 7pm tonight.
SQUIRE:
That’s easy. I suggest we adjourn to the Hotel Boulderado and enjoy some music, wine and see what else we can think to do with the evening.
NANCY
You need to put a cork in that right now!
SQUIRE
That’s not what you said this summer.NANCY:
As far as I’m concerned that never happened.
SQUIRE:
Too bad. I have a perfect memory and I mean a perfect memory.
(Squires eyes lock in with Nancy’s eyes)
I’m gifted that way.
NANCY:
Stop that. This is critical. Rich has to explain to the President what happened and who he is tapping to fill in. Then he has to share it at the breakfast meeting tomorrow morning.
SQUIRE:
What does Rich say prompted this resignation. Doesn’t sound like the man I know.
NANCY:
No details but Rich is in deep shit if we don’t fix this by 7pm. Now, focus on who do you think we could get to volunteer for this leadership position? I’m open to suggestions.
SQUIRE:
You’ve already heard my suggestions. But, I’m not so sure we should come to the rescue here. Last week, I was in a meeting with Rich and Gene and Rich insulted Gene’s integrity and Gene left in a huff.
NANCY:
Rich didn’t say anything about that. Now I care about this place and whatever you think, we have to fix this and we’re running out of time.
SQUIRE:
You made the promise to Rich. I’m just the “Happy-go-lucky dope, that got roped into this drama when there is no real problem.
NANCY:
I’m telling you it’s our problem. Now, what’s the first step. Or do I need to remind you I am reporting to Rich in a little more than an hour and he’s going to want to know our strategy and if there were any problems. Do you understand?
SQUIRE:
Understand completely. Just think you’ll like the answer better over a glass of a wine instead of behind the desk. After all, everybody has left for the day and we’ve plenty of time. Trust me, you’re going to like what I have to say.
NANCY:
Trust you, hmm that’s a good one. Now, what suggestions do you have?
Squire gets out of the chair and stands up.
SQUIRE
I’m off the clock and there’s a booth at the Hotel Boulderado calling my name. I suggest you join me and email Rich from there. You’re going to want to hear what I have to say. Then you really are going to need a drink.
Squire heads for the door and has he puts his hand on the doorknob Nancy stands up.
NANCY:
If I have to I’ll do this on my own. Including taking all the credit.
SQUIRE:
Such sweet memories from this summer. You know where I’ll be and you’re not the only one with Rich’s email address.
Squire exits the door and Nancy looks at the wall clock, sits down and sighs.
-
Title: Robert Kerr QE Cycle #3
LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire have been tasked to agree on a new leader for a volunteer program of the Alumni Association they both work in at the university.
ESSENCE : Two staff people, with a past, must identify a new leader for the Parents Association, without destroying the assignment entirely.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
SQUIRE, a twenty something handsome man with dark hair, walks into NANCY, a late twenties stunning auburn haired woman’s office for an emergency meeting after hours.
NANCY
Okay Squire this is an emergency. Now I want to get this done quickly and don’t want any of your antics slowing us down! I have plans that don’t include you.
SQUIRE
You didn’t seem to mind my antics last spring. Sure you don’t want to go for drink at the Hotel Boulderado instead of working here after hours? Would be a lot more fun.
NANCY:
Last spring was a lifetime ago. Before I really knew you and as far as I’m concerned it never happened. Now, let’s get down to business.
SQUIRE:
I work better when the right mood is set and I know you remember how to do that. Just breath and I’m sure it will come back to you.
NANCY:
Stop it. Like it or not we’re stuck with this project and I want to get out of here as fast as possible.
SQUIRE:
Stuck is right. The answer to our problem is simple. But, you seem to think you’re in charge so where do you want to start?
NANCY:
God almighty, do you ever turn it off? Look we have to come up with a replacement for the President of the Parents Association and we need to agree on the replacement and get their willingness to serve. Can you focus on that task, just this once?
SQUIRE
Says the woman dressed for a good time. I can do anything you want, I’m here to please.
NANCY:
Okay, now the issue is the Gene, past President, left in a huff when the Director pissed him off. You were briefed on that, right?
SQUIRE
That’s not the way it went down. Rich insulted Gene and questioned his integrity. Gene is a retired Colonel and West Point graduate. He wasn’t about to stand for anyone insulting his honor. His resigning was entirely predictable.
NANCY:
You seem to know a lot more about this situation than I was told. I expect you to give me all the details of this situation so I don’t walk into any traps.
SQUIRE:
I can’t really tell you anymore than that. You’ve always been Rich’s right hand gal in the office. I think it is best we move on.
NANCY:
You obviously know something you’re not sharing. I want to know what it is you are keeping from me. I care about this organization and your suggesting this assignment is based on a lie.
SQUIRE:
Well, did you ever wonder why we were paired together to solve this dilemma? After all, you haven’t worked with any of the parents ever. But, if you will join me for a drink, I will be happy to give you all the inside scope of what is really going on. It’ll save time and who knows, you might even have some fun.
NANCY:
(pauses and leans back in her chair)
You seem to have one thing on your mind and it doesn’t include getting this assignment completed tonight. Rich expects me to give him the outcome of our work first thing in the morning. We both have to sign off on it
SQUIRE:
One things for sure, one of us trusts Rich and one of us doesn’t. Care to guess which one of us that is?
NANCY:
Exactly what are you implying?
SQUIRE:
Just thinking out loud. But, I think I’m going to get a drink and forget this whole clown show.
Squire gets up and heads to the door.
NANCY
(stands up)
You can’t leave, we’re not done.
SQUIRE:
Depends on your point of view.
(puts his hand on the doorknob)
NANCY:
Do you want me to tell Rich you refused to cooperate on this assignment?
SQUIRE:
Figure it out yourself. But this assignment with just a wild goose chase.
(Squire opens the door and leaves)
NANCY:
(raising her voice as Squire leaves the office)
Wild goose chase, what exactly do you mean?
-
Title: Robert Kerr, Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is with these new techniques I can generate a more extreme moment that builds on the drama and holds the audiences interest.
LOGLINE: Fran desperately wants to convince her father, Calvin, to attend the opening regatta. What she gets as a reply is both a surprise and a dilemma.
ESSENCE: Fran learns the cost for her choices.
EXT. FARM DRIVEWAY – EVENING
Fran is driving her VW Volkswagen up the driveway and sees Calvin coming out of the barn. She honks her car horn several times and Calvin turns around with a scowl on his face. Fran gets out of the car and walks toward Calvin
CALVIN:
Damn girl what is with that horn?
FRAN:
I have to do something to get your attention since you won’t talk to me. Our opening regatta is this Saturday and I want you, Momma and Susan to all be there. Figured since you more or less got me into this rowing, you should come see what it is all about.
CALVIN:
(Angerly)
You want me to come, okay little girl. I’ll come on one condition, no negotiation.
FRAN:
Sure, whatever it takes to get you there.
CALVIN:
Fine, here’s the deal. Since you broke our agreements in the first place, you either win the race or you quit this foolishness. I’m not footin’ the bills just so you can run around the country wasting time and money instead of caring for your daughter. That’s the deal!
FRAN
(Stunned by this change of attitude)
That’s not fair. I’m only doing this because you thought it was a good idea.
CALVIN:
That was before you quit your music and broke our original deal. Now, not so sure this rowing is such a good idea after all. If your not winning, your not rowing. I’m not financing a loser!
FRAN:
It’s our first regatta, ever. No way to predict if we can win against a seasoned crew. This is so unfair. If you make me quit, then the whole program collapses. That’s the deal they made with the university to get the crew up and running in the first place.
CALVIN:
Not my problem. So, you want your family there Saturday, that’s my terms to get us there.
Agreed?
FRAN:
(Frustrated she turns and looks into the night and then pauses before she turns back to face Calvin)
Okay> Have it your way. But, I’m going to make you eat those words come Saturday and no more threats from you, ever!
-
Robert Kerr- Challenging situations
What I learned is the opportunity to use these techniques to expand the conflict and generate more drama and audience appeal. This is extremely helpful as my script is based on a true story and I was initially more interested in an accurate portrayal of the linear timeline and not as focused on developing the characters. This will help me create a more character driven story with a compelling timeline.
SCENE 1 – Opening scene:
A. Logline: Fran shows up at her folks farm and announces she is getting a divorce.
B Essence: Fran is frantic and doesn’t know what her next step is. She is in need of a rescue.
C Brainstorm some changes
Goal: She’s applied for readmission to college but now doesn’t know if that dream is even possible.
Needs: She left her house with all her possessions, and her three year old daughter, packed in her VW Beetle. She has $100 to her name and no way out.
Value: Fran needs to emotional protect her daughter from her Native-American husbands denial of both her and her mixed-race daughter.
Wound: Fran has followed her husband to protest after protest in support of Native American rights. Now she is cast aside like an unwanted piece of clothing.
Physical: Fran has only worked part-time menial jobs and now that is not enough to support her and her daughter. She is more scared than at any other time in her life.
D. Quick Summary
Start off with Fran mailing her college application and then being served divorce papers. Response is anger; “After all the protests I followed him to and now I am discarded because of my race and the fact that our daughter is mixed race.”
SCENE 2
Logline: Colette announces she is injured and out for the rowing season.
Essence: The whole program is at risk as they now need a replacement rower with just weeks before spring training trip.
Brainstorm some changes:
Goal: First time the women have a sense of “team” and the opportunity to win at anything. This is a shared adversity they hadn’t anticipated.
Needs: The women’s crew needs a leader and they don’t have one .
Wound: All their shared blood, sweat and tears appears to dissolve and it now feels like all the other times they were told, as women, this was something not for them.
Value: For the women, this threatens their self-esteem and their belief they can be victorious.
Physical: The ability to find a replacement rower and get them in shape in time for the spring training trip is impossible to visualize.
Summary of new scene:
Scrape the collaboration technique of Fran solving the challenge. Focus on Fran funding her voice with more focus on the “Wound” and “Goal” aspect of the scene. Let the scene play out without a solution to build up the tension and drama.
-
Lesson 11- Robert Kerr – Full Out Characters
What I learned that is making a significant improvement in my writing is the real value of developing traits and subtexts of my leading characters before I write the screenplay. As my script is based on a true story, I was far more focused on the accuracy of the historical linear timeline than the compelling opportunity to flesh out the characters.
Current Profiles:
FRAN:
Description: Fran is a 21 year old soon to be divorced woman who has submerged her life to the needs of her husband. Now he is filing for divorce, Fran must look to her family to help her and her 3 year old daughter. She wants to return to college but doesn’t know how to make it happen.
Traits: Scared, determined, frustrated and needy
Subtext: Fran has been blindsided by the divorce and now finds herself backed into a corner and forced back to her family farm and the aid of her father. She is grateful but determined to be self-directed.
MIKE VESPOLI:
Description: Mike is a 24 year old member of the national rowing team and looking for a place to build a rowing program done his way and not the traditional manner he has been groomed in and finds it in Wichita, Kansas. The only catch is he must also build a woman’s crew from scratch.
Traits: Perfectionist, demanding, independent and confident
Subtext: His desire to go his own way puts Mike in a situation where he is revered and feeds his ego of his abilities in the sport. When he is part of the world championship crew, it fuels his belief that he can overcome any obstacle.
CALVIN:
Description: Calvin is a 50ish farmer who believes men are supposed to be in charge. When Fran returns home, he see’s an opportunity to once again be in charge of Fran’s life and too be the savior of his 3 year old granddaughter.
Traits: domineering, helpful, high standards and impatient
Subtext: Calvin see’s the return of Fran has an opportunity to reclaim his aspirations for her as a concert musician. He is willing to support Fran in her return to college but uses that has leverage to force her to study music.
NEW PROFILES
FRAN
Description: Same as above
Traits: Rebellious, independent, Daddy’s girl and focused
Subtext: Fran finds her “voice” in college and blossoms as a leader when she joins the rowing program.
MIKE VESPOLI
Description: Same as above
Traits Confident, encouraging, isolated and perfectionist
Subtext: Mike knows all about rowing but he struggles with the personal isolation he feels despite being a World Champion.
CALVIN:
Description: Same as above
Traits: Confused, forceful, relentless and “Old School”
Subtext: Calvin experiences for the first time challenges to his parental authority and almost loses his daughter and granddaughter.
-
Robert Kerr: Rewrite of QE Cycle 2
Logline: John agrees to meet Nick and then questions why Nick asked him to help out.
Essence: Nick has exposed himself to harm and ropes John into danger but is ultimately betrayed
What I learned was the need for dialogue and action to create a roller coaster sensation thereby heightened the level of hope and fear for audience engagement.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING – NIGHT
It’s a dark moonless night in Chicago. JOHN, a mid- thirties private detective, waits in his office and strums his fingers on his desk. All of a sudden, NICK, a twenty something lean good looking guy, bursts into JOHN’s office.
JOHN
Nick what is going on? You call me up and want to meet and sounding like you’ve gotten yourself into a deep pile of shit. What is going on?
NICK:
Let me catch my breath
(pauses for a moment)
It’s not as bad as I acted like. But, I am in a jam and need your help.
JOHN:
What are you talking about? Start making some sense or I am out of here and you’re on your own.
NICK
Well, for the last year I have been shacking up with a widow who is loaded. It’s been pretty good. She pampers me and gives me a lot of freedom. But, I was looking for an opportunity to cash in without being obvious.
JOHN
You were what? You get me down here because you’re in trouble with a widow who’s been keeping you. I’m tempted to walk out of here right now and leave your conniving ass to whatever fate you are running from. Now, spill the beans.
NICK:
Okay. Well, about two weeks ago, I overhead her talking with her financial advisor about a tech IPO she wanted to participate in. He gave her a thumb drive with all the details. After he left her, I saw her put it in a desk drawer and leave the room. She does that, she is very trusting and doesn’t lock things away.
JOHN
If you get me involved in something that’s going cost me anything, I will quit you right now, loyalty or not. This is why I always work alone.
NICK
Yeah right. I waited for my opportunity to lift the thumb drive and realized I needed someone to sell it to potential buyers. That is when I thought of you. Figure you might know somebody since you’re a private dick and known both sides of the street so, to speak.
Well, I got the thumb drive but she noticed it was missing and put two and two together and I have been running from her thugs for the last two days. That is when I reached out to you.
JOHN:
(looking pissed)
So you expected to just dump this at my door and I would take care of it for you? That’s the craziest thing you’ve done in all the years I’ve known you. Well, this is the last fucking time I help you. You have burned the last bridge as far as I am concerned. Now, give me the thumb drive and get out of here. I’ll meet you in front of the art museum in two days and tell you what I have found out. Now give me the thumb drive.
NICK:
I knew you could help.
(Nick reaches into his pocket and pulls out the thumb drive.)
I’m counting on you to get the best deal. I’ll even cut you in for 20 %.
JOHN:
(reaches out and takes the thumb drive)
20 % well, I have a better idea.
With that John goes behind his desk and makes a call
JOHN:
Hello, Opal? Yes, I have it. He’s here in my office. Tell your boys to come get him and your property. Remember the price we agreed on? Good.
(John hangs up the phone)
NICK
What in the hell are you doing?
JOHN
First rule of my business, always be loyal to your clients. Your problem is, they hired me before you called. You see, they combed through your life and my name came up as a known associate. Was hired yesterday. Nothing personal Nick, just business.
John then goes over and wails on Nick till he collapse on the floor bleeding from his nose and mouth.
JOHN:
Karma is a bitch Nick. Now just lay there and bleed. Opal’s people will be here shortly.
FADE OUT
-
Logline: John has been tasked with recovering a thumb drive with sensitive documents on it. He has been informed that Nick is the culprit. Now he has to get it back and leave Nick to the people who hired John
Essence: Two old friends end up in a dangerous situation and only one of them has a safe way out.
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING IN CHICAGO- NIGHT
JOHN, a 30 something with a typical build, has just run into this abandoned building with NICK, a thirty something wiry built man, who John hasn’t seen in several years. They are both out of breath.
JOHN:
What the hell have you gotten me into Nick? You call out of the blue and say you want to get together for a few laughs, well old pal, I’m not laughing. Who’s chasing us?
NICK
You don’t have anything to worry about. They are after me. You are , as they say, collateral damage.
JOHN:
Collateral damage my ass! This is why I avoid people, especially ones who want a piece of my ass. Now give it to me straight. What have you done?
Nick wanders towards the table in the middle of the room. He pulls out a chair and sits down. Running his hands through his hair he looks up at John and motions him over. John complies.
NICK:
I reached out to you because I thought you might know how best to sell this. (Nick reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a thumb drive.)
I figured anybody who is a private investigator has to know how to work both sides of the street.
JOHN:
What is that? Did you steal some corporate secrets and now my ass is on the line? Tell me that isn’t what this is.
NICK:
Nothing like that. I have been romancing a rich widow for about a year. Nothing major, just letting her keep me in the lifestyle I aspire to. One evening, I overheard her financial advisor give her this thumb drive with research on an IPO coming up. I knew that was the opportunity to cash in and move on. I stole it a week ago. That’s when I called you.
JOHN:
You’ve been planning this for some time haven’t you. I should belt you for getting me into your shit. This is the reason I prefer my own company. No complications ever.
Nick shifts in his chair and stands up facing John.
NICK:
So what do we do now?
JOHN:
(scratching his chin)
Okay here is what we’ll do. They are looking for you and they don’t know me, right?
NICK:
As far as I know, no.
JOHN:
Then you give me that thumb drive and I will sneak out the back way. Then you face the music and when they finish with you and realize you don’t have what they want, they’ll go back and retrace your steps to figure out where you dumped it.
NICK:
Basically I get my ass kicked and then you meet me later and give it back to me, right?
JOHN:
Right and then you lose my phone number for good. I ‘ll meet you at the Museum of Art around noon tomorrow. That will give them time to confirm you don’t have and they’ll let you go.
NICK:
Small sacrifice, take a few lumps and then meet you to cash out. Sounds like a plan. Here.
(Nick hands over the thumb drive) Whatever you do don’t lose it.
JOHN:
Count on me. Now give me a few minutes to sneak out and then you can go on the street and face the music.
Nick gives John a thumbs up and shakes his hand. John then moves to the back of the building and just before he opens the door, he turns and looks back at Nick., Seeing Nick look the other way, John slinks into the shadows. He takes out his cell phone, dials and then whispers.
JOHN:
I have your property. He’s all yours. I’ll meet you in the park and we can settle up. Make it look good.
John exits the building and immediately after, two muscular guys dressed in suits open the door and grab Nick. They search him. When they find nothing, they start beating him up. As they are leaving they give Nick a parting kick in the groin.
FADE OUT
-
Title: Robert Kerr, Rewrite of Robert and Trent scene
What I learned: The more interest techniques I write into the scene, the more interesting it is for the audience and ultimately the marketplace
INT: A FANCY HOTEL BALLROOM – EVENING
A local fraternity is hosting a Homecoming party for members, alumni and prospective members. The men are dressed in business casual and many of them wearing polo shirts with the fraternity’s insignia. The women are dressed to impress. There is a bar in the far corner of the room and a dj spinning tunes with a small dance floor. ROBERT, is a 19year old sophomore who wants to pledge the chapter. He enters the room and saunters over to the bartender.
ROBERT
(Addressing the bartender)
Troy how did you get this gig?
TROY
Easy money. But, what are you doing here? This doesn’t look like your scene.
ROBERT
Wrangled an invitation from my newest friend TRENT. (points to Trent at the opposite corner)
Charmed him, and helped him out at a seminar on campus. This is the next step in the plan.
TROY
Whatever your plan is, be careful. There are more secrets than life preservers in this crowd.
ROBERT
Not worried. Sounds like lots of ammunition for the plan. Well, time to go to work.
Robert leaves the bar with a drink and heads over to where the women are gathering and starts introducing himself. He is making the rounds and leaving everyone with smiles and a laugh. He stops and notices a young beautiful woman with raven black hair standing by herself and he makes a beeline for her. As he walks up to her she looks at him and smiles
ROBERT
How is it that a stunning beauty like you is standing all alone at this grand event? My name is Robert and I am here to offer my company.
MARY
You’re certainly a charmer. Haven’t seen you at any of the parties they’ve hosted. Are you a prospective member or just a friend of one of the members?
ROBERT
Most definitely a prospective member. But, I didn’t catch your name?
MARY
My name is Mary. (Extending her hand) Nice to meet you future member Robert.
Robert takes her offered hand and gently kisses it.
MARY
My a gentleman. What a refreshing change.
ROBERT
Well, Mary, what can you tell me about the rest of the group here. I’ve met most of the people and sized up the other prospective members. Interesting collection. See that big muscular guy with the crew cut draped over the red head? He is on the rugby team and a real meat head. It’s rugby, partying and women is all life is to him.
MARY
Well that red head is MOLLY and she’s the girlfriend of a senior in the house. But, she is a real flirt and much more. In fact, she’s stepping out on him with some mystery man on a regular basis.
ROBERT
That is interesting to know. Any other juicy tidbits you care to share?
MARY
This is a pretty crazy bunch of people. Lot’s of drama.
ROBERT
Good advice Hey, there is my friend Trent Over there. Let me introduce you to him.
MARY
I know all about Trent. He is a real puppet master with people. Don’t fall into his web.
ROBERT
I think you might be wrong. He’s a good guy and I need to go over and thank him for this invitation. But, don’t go anywhere I’ll be right back.
Robert leaves Mary and walks over to where TRENT , a 22 year old senior, is standing holding court. Robert blends into the small group and eventually gets in front of Trent
ROBERT
Just want to thank you for the invitation. Really appreciate it.
TRENT
No problem. I thought you would be a good fit. What do you think of the party?
ROBERT
Interesting mix of people. Been picking up some interesting vibes and juicy gossip so far tonight.
TRENT
Gossip. Do tell. What have you heard?
ROBERT
Well that red head, Molly, is stepping out on her boyfriend. Some mystery man but could be high drama down the road. Other than that, just the usual who’s selling drugs and who needs test files. You know stuff like that.
TRENT
My you’ve been busy. See that tall alumnus in the middle of the room?
ROBERT
Yes.
TRENT
He’s my future boss after graduation. I need to say hi to him. Thanks for the info and go enjoy the rest of the party. I’ll catch up with you later.
Trent heads to the middle of the room while Robert heads back to Mary. After a brief handshake and a laugh. Trent heads back to his corner and signals for MICHAEL, the chapter’s enforcer, to come to him. Michael heads right over.
MICHAEL
What’s up boss?
TRENT
We’ve got a problem. See that guy talkin to Mary. He just tried to sell me some cocaine.
We can’t have that with all these alumni around. I want you to go over, tell him he’s got some papers to sign before he can join and take him in the back room and kick his ass. Then, tell him if we see him again we’ll put him in the hospital. Okay?
MICHAEL
No problem. But, who invited him here?
TRENT
Don’t know and don’t care!
Michael walks over to where Robert is talking with Mary and interrupts.
MICHAEL
Good news buddy. You need to come with me and sign some papers and your in.
ROBERT
I knew it! The people back home won’t believe I made it. Thanks. Excuse me Mary.Robert follows Michael into the back room. Meanwhile, Trent crosses the room and sides up to Molly.
TRENT
We need to cancel tonight. People are talking and we need to be more careful.
MOLLY
But I have something very sexy to wear tonight. Just what you asked for the last time.
TRENT
Just need to take a raincheck.
FADE OUT
-
Cheryl: Good afternoon. Was wondering how we are supposed to share our feedback with the others in the class? I tried to send messages but the system said it couldn’t find any of the names. Just wondering how to complete that step in the class. Thanks.
-
TITLE: Robert Kerr
ASSIGNMENT The Quality Evaluation Process
INT. MAIN BALLROOM- EVENING
A college graduation party is being held by a fraternity chapter on campus. All the graduating seniors are there, some potential recruits are also in attendance along with key alumni. The women in attendance are all guests of the fraternity. Among the potential new members is ROBERT, a 19 year old sophomore. Robert has been going through the room introducing himself and has stopped to talk with a beautiful young woman, MARY, a 20 year old junior.
ROBERT
Pretty cool party isn’t it? These guys really know how to throw a party. My name is Robert, what is yours?
MARY
My name is Mary. Actually this is pretty tame compared to some of the parties I’ve attended. You’re new here. Who invited you?
ROBERT
Trent. Everybody knows Trent. We met at a campus seminar and hit it off right away. After a couple of coffees, he invited me to come. I’m just taking it all in and hoping to get a bid. I’m surprised by some of the other candidates though., See that big guy with the crew cut talking to the red head? He’s on the rugby side but is a real moron. He’s also big time into drugs.
MARY
Well, he should fit in nicely with some of the druggies in the house. See that red head gal he’s flirting with She’s the girlfriend of one of the guys in the house. But everyone knows she does a lot more than flirt, if you get my meaning.
ROBERT
That’s a recipe for disaster. Hey, there’s Trent. I’d love to introduce you.
MARY
I’ll pass. Been there done that.
Robert waves at TRENT, a 22 year old senior) who is holding court in one of the corners of the room.
ROBERT
Excuse me. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere
MARY
Stayin’ put.
Robert walks over to the corner where Trent is and waits his turn to shake his hand and thank him for the invitation. After a brief pause, he stands next to Trent.
ROBERT
Trent, buddy, just wanted to thank you for the invitation. Really like what I see, if you know what I mean
TRENT
Glad you could make it buddy. Just know that most of the women in the room are spoken for by the brothers. Big mistake to break that code.ROBERT
Read you loud and clear, buddy. (pointing to Mary)
What about Mary. Is she spoken for?
TRENT
No, she’s a free agent.
ROBERT
That’s good news. Speaking of news, (leaning in to whisper in Trent’s ear) I just learned that the red-head talking to the guy with the crew
cut is cheating on her boyfriend.) Thought you should know so you could pass the word.
Trent looks startled by this information.
TRENT
Keep that to yourself. I’ll take care of it. Now excuse me I need to go talk with my future boss. Enjoy the rest of the party.
Trent steps away and walks toward the center of the room where some alumni are gathered and exchanging business cards. Trent joins them. Robert returns to Mary and continues his conversation. Trent leaves the center of the room and drifts back to his corner. He spots MICHAEL, the chapter enforcer, and signals him to join him.
TRENT
We’ve got a problem. See that dude talking to Mary. He just tried to sell me some cocaine. No telling what he’s willing to do with the ladies drinks. I want you to tell him that he is going to get a bid and needs to follow you into the back storage area. Once you have him out of sight, beat the shit out of him. Tell him the next time he shows his face you’ll put him in the hospital, Can do?
MICHAEL
No problem. How did he get in here in the first place?
TRENT
Don’t know, don’t care.
Michael leaves the corner and walks over to where Mary & Robert are standing talking. Michael politely interrupts.
MICHAEL
Hey buddy, I’ve got good news for you. Your in. Just need you to follow me so you can sign some forms and then it will all be taken care of.
ROBERT
That’s amazing! Looks like you’ll be seeing me around a lot more Mary. Now excuse me. The folks on my block won’t believe this.
Michael leads the way as they exit the room to the kitchen and storage area.
Trent follows Michael and Robert till they leave the room. He then walks over to MOLLY (the red headed lady) and interrupts the flirting with the rugby player.
TRENT
Buddy, I need to talk to the lady here for a moment. How about you grab another drink from the bar. It’ll just be a moment.
The rugby player nods his head and goes toward the bar. Trent scans the room to make sure nobody is paying attention to him. Once he is satisfied, he turns to Molly.
TRENT
Molly, I think we should postpone our get together this evening. Apparently some people are getting suspicious.MOLLY
But David will be gone and I have something very sexy to wear. You’ll really enjoy it.
TRENT
I’m sure I will. Just need to take a raincheck. Now, be good and I’ll make it up to you later.
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Title: Robert Kerr Interest Techniques
What I learned from this lesson is that using interest techniques, I can heighten the dramatic impact and raise the entertainment value of a critical scene that initially I have written as a bland scene.
Logline: Rowing coach has bad news to share but receives the opposite
Essence: The rowing coach is frustrated with the lack of women but is encouraged when the donor surprises him with news of two new rowing shells being donated.
Interest techniques being used:
1. Suspense – not enough women coming out and the whole program is at risk if they can’t get women to participate.
2. Surprise – his boss tells him that they have secured two new shells for the program.
3. Put in a more interesting setting: The setting is in the parking lot outside of the boiat house.
INT. WSU BOATHOUSE PARKING LOT – EVENING
Vespoli is seated in his blue van scratching his head and writing down ideas to get more women to participate in the rowing program. Vespoli’s job depends on getting a women’s crew on the water competing. Tim Wiggins, the man who hired him, pulls up in his new car, parks it and walks over to Vespoli.
TIM
Figured I would find you here. I’m hoping you have good news for me about the crew.
VESPOLI
Well, the men are all set. Should have three full competitive boats. The women are an issue. Can’t keep a full eight on the water.
TIM
That’s not an option. Without the women, we don’t have a program and the deal with the university is null and void.
VESPOLI
I know. I didn’t come here to fail. I just need more time.
TIM
I can’t control the clock. But, I can tell we’ve had a breakthrough.
Some donors have stepped up and provide two brand new rowing shells. One eight and one four. All I need you to do is get cleaned up, put on that Olympic Blazer and World Champion smile and meet me at my house in an hour
Vespoli jumps out of his van and shakes Tim’s hand vigorously.
VESPOLI
That is the best news I’ve heard in a week. I’ll be there and
we can put on a show at the opening regatta !
TIM
That will be something to look forward to. Getting women
on the water has to be your top priority. Now
see you in an hour!
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Title: Robert Kerr – Deep Into Your Characters
What I have learned in this assignment is that I have not completed a character profile including 4 core traits for my current script. Though based on a true experience, the absence of this step has turned the characters and dialogue into very limited action and entertainment value. I can see now that by adding this step, the script will be more dynamic and the action more inviting for my audience.
Person #1: Core traits= Controlling, proud, wounded and nurturing.
This person’s interaction is primarily consistent with these core traits. Our interactions are always stilted and manufactured to protect his wounds and this often results in the attempt to control every aspect of our interactions. This is one whom I don’t like and limit the interactions intentionally.
Person #2: Core traits = Independent, Confused, Vulnerable and Care Giver.
This persons interaction is inconsistent based on the circumstances she finds herself when we interact. She is someone whom I like and enjoy but know the drama around her confusion is an obstacle to our interaction and is a major stumbling block to her fulfilling her potential.
Person #3: Core traits: Protective, resilient, Dreamer and Frightened
This person is consistent to this pattern. I enjoy these interactions and welcome them. It is always my desire to ease her fear and offer her a pathway to the fulfillment of her dreams. She has a tendency to pull back from such offerings as if she is more fearful of success than anything else.
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Assignment 2
Title: Robert Kerr (Put Essence to Work)
What I’ve learned from this assignment: My writing tends to only be on the surface. By thinking deeper about the meaning there is an opportunity to create more entertaining dialogue and high entertainment value.
The script I Chose: With All Their Might
Scene 1 (Opening scene) Int. Farmhouse kitchen
logline main character comes home after learning she is being divorced
Essence: Emotionally wounded and desperate young with daughter retreat to her parents farm hoping for a rescue
New Logline: Wounded by the surprise divorce by her Native American husband, Fran brings her 3 year old daughter to her childhood home in last ditch effort to find support.
Scene 2: Int. Farmhouse Kitchen
logline Frans learns she has been readmitted into college
Essence A letter of accept5ance to a local college offers Fran a lifeline from her seemingly hopeless situation
New logline: Fran is both excited and relieved to learn she now has a path forward from the dead end prospects she faces after her divorce.
Scene 3: INT. WSU Athletic Office
logline: Rowing coach comes seeking his new office in the athletic department.
Essence: Rowing coach is desperate to recruit women and his ego tells him he can make anybody into a competitive rower.
New logline: Rowing coach attempts to recruit Fran despite her smoking habit and no athletic experience ever.
Scene 4: Int. WSU Meeting Room
logline: Fran shares her concerns about the hope for help in recruiting women to the crew.
Essence: Fran exerts her first sign of leadership and bonding with members of the crew.
New logline: Frans takes the lead in convincing some of the men to actively help recruit women to the fledgling women’s crew.
Scene 5: INT Farmhouse kitchen:
Logline: Fran proudly announces her decision to change her major.
Essence: Fran reveals a betrayal of her agreement with her father and ignites a major conflict
New Logline: Ignoring her agreement with her father, who is supporting her and her daughter, Fran voluntarily betrays him and launches a major conflict.
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Cheryl: My apologies. I instinctively posted my first assignment without completing the last aspect. Here is the final part of the assignment
‘The most profound scene was scene 133 in Yokohama Harbor. In this scene, Captain Algren faces the ultimate decision. Whether to return to America wealthy man or choose to return to the samurai encampment and the life of serenity, balance, honor and love he has discovered among them. This scene demonstrates the essence of transformation that gives his life meaning and heals the wound of his military career in the USA.
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Assignment 1
Robert Kerr Finds the Essence
What I have learned: Committing to the purpose of a scene provides great flexibility in all aspects of the script. This dedication to essence creates high entertainment value.
Script I choose: The Last Samurai
Scene 1: 65: Ext. Katsumoto’s Compound
Logline: Captain Algren experiences the value of a “good conversation” from an enemy he realizes he doesn’t understand.
Essence: Quick judgement of people and places we do not appreciate are often misguided
Scene 2 : 75: Ext. Samurai Village
Logline: Captain Algren starts a journal revealing his growing fascination and admiration of the samurai and the peop0le of their world.
Essence: Algren takes the time to reflect deeply about what he is experiencing with the samurai.
Scene 3 : 89: Ext. Samurai Village
Logline: Captain Algren experiences a breakthrough when he allows himself to accept and trust the wisdom of what he is being taught and applies it to the combat training he is experiencing.
Essence: Allowing new knowledge creates a sense of peace and harmony for Captain Algren making him more aligned with the intent of his life.
Scene 4: 117: Ext. Rotenburo Baths
Logline: Captain Algren and Taka exchange a moment of deep attraction and promise of desire for the first time.
Essence: Finding the grace to accept new love as opposed to conquest.
Scene 5: 133 Ext: Yokohama Harbor
Logline: Captain Algren rejects the expectation that he will return to his old life back in the states, comp0lete with financial rewards, to return to the harmony and purpose of the samurai life.
Essence: Captain Algren evolves into a new identity and loyalty to his former captors.
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1. My name is Robert (Bob) Kerr.
2. I agree to the terms of this release form
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My name is Bob Kerr. I have written two scripts, of which the first one made it all the way to the “Green Light” decision but ultimately not selected. I have written one book and published multiple articles and editorials relating to higher education and specifically the world of fraternity and sorority. I am taking this class to elevate my writing and accelerate my capacity to weave an interesting story. An interesting fact about me is my interest in screenwriting was energized when I worked as an extra on film and tv series in Denver, Colorado. During that experience, I met Dick Van Dyke and others of that era.
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Deb:
feel strong enough to be at the keyboard this morning. I am posting my query letter to the forum. I’ll email you to confirm that it is posted.
Thank you,
Bob Kerr
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Deb:
Been done sick for the last few days. Do you want me to just send you my query letter directly to your email or use the forum?
Thanks,
Bob Kerr
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Thank you. It should be sometime early to mid-week the second week in October.
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Deb:
Yes, finally online with the class on Monday, Oct.2. Even though I am behind the class, figure I will complete the lessons by early next week, will you consider exchanging material for feedback on lesson 10, even though you have completed the class ahead of me?
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Hello Deb!
Started the class late, there was some confusion as to when the start date was and what my availability to actively engage in the class. I’m now able to engage and hope to catch up before the end of the class. Hope you are doing well.
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Sunil:
No worries. If it makes it easier on you, you can wait till next week to do the review. Paid work always takes precedent over class work. Good luck.
Bob
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Sunil:
Thank you. I will be happy to do Round 2 with you. The easiest way I have found in Hal’s classes is to exchange email addresses and communicate that way. In looking at my schedule for this week, I should be able to get my comments and feedback to you by Friday Noon PDT.
My email address is : kerr9606@comcast.net
Hope to connect with you soon.
Bob Kerr
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Sunil: I have now posted my assignment. Do you want to exchange feedback? The reality of this assignment for me is the script has not been written. I have a working outline that I will create the script with by focusing on the lessons in this class and The Profound Map.
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Deb: Excellent. I will look forward to your email.
Bob
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Deb: wanted to see if you want to exchange homework assignments on Lesson 16? I will have mine available on Sunday, August 27th @5pm PDT. let me know. Thanks, Bob
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Deb:
Wanted to know if you want to exchange the assignment for Lesson 16? I will be done with it by Sunday, August 27th. Let me know if you are interested.
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Deb: Great seeing you here as well. Looking forward to a great class.
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Agreed. I am working with an outline for an old script that I’m rewriting. Can already see the difference in quality and audience appeal.
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Sunil Pappu:
Your script has excellent opportunities for Irony. Enjoying your posts throughout this class.
Bob Kerr
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Deb:
Really enjoyed your post. You are really shining with this lesson. What an interesting script you have written!
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Deb: While it may feel uncomfortable, remember the process is to envision, create and fulfill the expectations of writing a p5rofound script. based on your post, I believe you are doing great. Lucky you that you have access to Lesson 8. I am still waiting for Support to clear the glitch so I can do the lesson. Hang in there, you are doing wonderfully!
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Dave:
Sorry there was a typo in the email address.
The correct email is: kerr9606@comcast.net.
I will send you an email immediately.
Thanks,
Bob
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David:
perhaps as line of description that has Guang touching his temples to emphasize the capacity to use telepathy..
Aside from that, I think Deb has really covered it quite well.
Bob
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Dave:
Like Deb, you have echoed the emotion focus and that has been a stumbling block for me. Thank you for your insight. Deeply appreciated.
Bob
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Deb:
Thank you and such a huge help! Your suggestion will give a huge emotional springboard to the opening scenes. Deeply appreciate your insight.
Thanks,
Bob
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Deborah:
This lesson really requires us to dig deep and reconsider what we “think” of the solid opening we have written. I like the way you handled this lesson and am impressed with the new opening. Shows the “set-up/twist” as well as “the V.O., that’s unusual”. Well written and the second version is so much more interesting in all aspects. I’m looking forward to reading the script when we exchange them soon.
Well written and shows the developing skill Hal talks about throughout the class.
Bob
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David:
This is a challenging assignment and I think your new opening handles it with deftness and skill. The original opening doesn’t show the intersection between the two worlds. I really like to new opening. Demonstrates the “Action Opening” as well as the “Intriguing scene from another place in the script”.
I think the struggle to improve the scene is an indicator of your continued skill and mastery on your script. Well done and I think you have made an excellent choice in the new opening.
Bob
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David:
This is a true epic adventure story that leaves opportunities to be developed into a multi-film franchise. Exciting and promising.
The set-up and delivery of the challenges and conflicts are resolved with great skill in the ending.
The subtext is well developed and your structure seems to align with the lesson.
The reality that the “device = the staff” has the leverage to deliver multiple lessons about life and risk taking. The ultimate battle is epic in scope and seems to feed the audience with expectations, mystery and suspense.
I can see this has a multiple film and even some prequel opportunities.
I look forward to reading your script as we exchange scripts in the last lesson.
Bob
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Deb:
Good morning and what a delightful way to start my day by reading your assignment.
I find your story to be a complex and intricate story filled with many points of reflection and inspiration. There is an element of the film “Everything, Everywhere, All at Once ” to it. Really impressed with your skill and focus to deliver a solid “Profound Script”.
As David has already mentioned, we three seem to share the same experience. By this time in the class we have really poured over the lessons and assignments and have focused on delivering a really strong finish. A credit to the design and mastery of Hal and his team. It is also a validation of our skills at putting in the work and getting to a strong finish.
Congratulations!
Bob
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Deb:
Really enjoyed the tight and precise shift in the dialogue. Brings out the subtext and provides for more mystery and uncertainty.
Well done!
Bob Kerr
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David:
The shift from the old scene to the new scene flows much better. I like the last line. Perhaps you might consider similar references to the Wizard of OZ. Like if I see flying monkeys as an example. Could ramp up the level of suspense and mystery with a vivid image.
Appreciate the work you put into this change.
Bob
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Deb: It’s amazing how the changes you are making really bring out the character traits. I can “hear” the voices of the characters more specifically in the new version. In reading them, I don’t have any real suggestions on how to improve them. The character traits are the driving force in your dialogue and you have made a breakthrough from my perspective.
Bob
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Deb:
Thank you. This most recent lesson gave me clarity on how to improve the character dialogue in ways I was struggling with in the past. I always felt hampered by the reality the script is based on a true story. Now, I am eager to go after the other characters and see how that process improves their dialogue.
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Deb:
Thanks for the feedback. In early scenes, the relationship between F. & V. is defined more specifically. I like the options you present and it will be something I take an in-depth review of the scene.
Very helpful.
Thanks,
Bob
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David:
Love the way you have Adam stand up and confront his father. This is consistent with a young teenage boy identifying with his passions in life. In this case it is his Grandmother and her dog. This approach will provide an opportunity for the audience to pick a side. Either Adam or his father. This will get more buy-in to the conflict. I believe many in the audience can relate to the insensitive nature of Adam’s father either in their own lives or in people they know.
Powerful scene and well done!
I will be posting my work by Saturday afternoon. I hope you have the opportunity to provide feedback.
Thanks,
Bob Kerr
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Deb: the new scene provides a depth to the conversation and the theme of “saying goodbye”. I think the audience will appreciate that you provide a pause from the emotional scene of nearly getting hit by a truck. It gives them time to breath and prepare for the next emotional piece of the journey. Well done!
I will be posting my lesson assignment by Saturday afternoon. Hope you have a chance to provide feedback.
Thanks,
Bob Kerr
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David:
Thanks for the feedback.
I will be expanding on the “pain reveal” throughout the scene. It also serves as a set up for an injury later in the script.
Bob
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Deb:
Thanks for the feedback. The ideas is to point how how physically demanding the sport of rowing is and in the original scene, Colette and Gary are just sitting at a table talking. I like your suggestions and will make the appropriate adjustments in the scene.
Thanks,
Bob
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Deb:
Really love how you capture the dynamic between an adult child and her aging parent. The little mannerisms, not wearing pants etc, will really resonate with the audience. I think this scene becomes a very powerful scene and should deliver great leverage for the rest of the script.
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David:
Enjoy the twist at the end with a new character and the wisdom of practicing instead of talking about practicing. Great action at the end of the scene. I imagine the camera would show the faces of Rob & Adam dumbfounded by the accuracy of GAJE.
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Karen:
Good adjustment to have Tina be more of a facilitator. Set-ups the dynamic of her being the cousin who is busy trying to light the spark between Finn and Charlotte.
A suggestion, if the cooking class is focused on making something like taffy, where there is more opportunity to set-up the spark between Charlotte and Finn. Since it takes two to pull taffy and it is also very tactile.
Like the way these characters are developing. Great work.
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Patricia:
Really enjoy the New Storylines. More focus on the mentorship relationship and the skills of managing royal assets. Creates lots of opportunities for great subtext. The overall theme gives you an opportunity to blend several strategies to build sub-text. Also, great opportunity to build on the irony of Thorensson and Harald’s journey to be baptized in the Jordan River. Lots of juicy scenes to get these two men to come to the decision to be baptized.
I really am enjoying your development of this script. The characters are more three-dimensional and the scope of the saga is truly epic. Looking forward to the next evolution.
Bob
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Patricia:
Thanks for your feedback. Very helpful to get feedback on the progression of the script.
To respond to your questions:
1) During winter training, when Vespoli can’t be on the water for his own training, he only has two hours on his day committed. The rest of the day it’s just him and his apartment. Wichita is not the hotbed of rowing that Vespoli is used to when he was on the east coast.
2) The granddaughter is only three. In the script she has some key roles though there is a limit to what a 3 year old can participate in the adult drama going on around her.
3) The rowing person in the script, outside of Vespoli and the WSU crew, is Tim Wiggins. He is a local business man who rowed when he was in college. He is the one who offers Vespoli the job. His primary interest is making sure there is a women’s crew otherwise his vision for rowing is literally dead in the water. He had his own business he runs so not a lot of time to support Vespoli.
I’m not sure if I shared this but I was one of the co-captains of the WSU crew that first year. I was unaware of the women’s story till I decided to do the script about the WSU crew.
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Deb: Excellent growth from the first version to the last brainstorm version. As I read these, I was captured by the relevance of the story plot and characters. I just watched a film , Coda with Sir Patrick Stewart last night. Similar opportunities in your story for the kind of remarkable resolution as Sir Patrick Stewart’s. A child dealing with parental abandonment and the retreat into the silo of social media gives great conflict and how the pain of a child can scar a young teenager to the point of exacting pain on others. Really like that Delia and Victor become friends.
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Patricia: I got your invitation to partner for the lesson. I think it would be great. I sent you an email at the email address you listed. My email is kerr9606@comcast.net. Hope to hear from you. Thanks, Bob Kerr
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Patricia:
Welcome the opportunity to partner up. I sent you an email to the email address you listed. My email is kerr9606@comcast.net. Looking forward to hearing from you.
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Karen: Since your story involves an Olympic athlete, and my story involves an Olympic and World Champion athlete, I think we could benefit in partnering up. My email is : kerr9606@comcast.net. I look forward to hearing from you. Bob Kerr
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Bob Kerr
Joan: My email is kerr9606@comcast.net.
I will be able to respond by the end of the first week in January. Wrapping up a house addition remodel so pretty crazy in my home right now.
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Bob Kerr
Joan, sharing last weeks’ comments might best be suited for the end of the class. WIth the holiday chaos I don’t have time this week but would be open to sharing next week.
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Joan:
I have submitted a customer service request as the audio doesn’t seem to be working for anyone.
Bob Kerr
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Ann Marie:
They have posted Week 4 forums and have not posted Week 3 forums. Several people have also identified the issue and have communicated to Cheryl. I have also sent a Customer Service request to address the issue. All we can do is be patient.
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Mi:
Sorry I just now picked up your invitation to share feedback. Happy to share. I’ve found the best way is to share emails and go from there. My email is: kerr9606@comcast.net
Looking forward to exchanging scenes.
Thanks, Bob Kerr
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Ann-Marie:
Bob Kerr here. I guess we exchange email addresses and that is how we connect. I couldn’t find any other access point.
My email is: kerr9606@comcast.net
Thanks,
Bob Kerr
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Ann-Marie:
Good afternoon. For the feedback exchange part of the first week’s assignments, I would welcome the opportunity to exchange a rewritten scene based on what we learned from this week’s lesson. Let me know if you are interested in exchanging scenes and feedback.
Thanks,
Robert Kerr
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Lynn:
Bob Kerr here. I guess we exchange emails and connect that way for our exchange.
My email is: kerr9606@comcast.net
Hope this works.
Bob Kerr
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Judith:
Bob Kerr here. My private email is : kerr9606@comcast.net
I assume we just exchange emails and our rewrite. I couldn’t find any other access pt.
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Denice:
Good morning.
I sent you and email last night to confirm your address and to answer your questions about the rowing scene.
Unfortunately the email address: prismartsllc@gmail came back with permanent errors.
If you check back here: my email is: kerr9606@comcast.net.
Hope we can connect and continue to support our screenwriting ambitions.
Sincerely,
Bob Kerr
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Denice:
Thank you for your comments and your contact information. My email is: kerr9606@comcast.net.
I look forward to a collaborative experience in the future.
Sincerely,
Bob Kerr
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Edward:
If you want to stay in touch and build a creative and collaborative relationship, my email is kerr9606@comcast.net.
Feel free to connect any time.
Thanks,
Bob Kerr
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Ed:
Another interesting scene. You applied most of the interest techniques but was a little confused about the Marcus and Carley fighting each other and then ending up in a kiss. It seemed to me to be more of flirting and struggling to understand what they were suppose to do in the Escape Room. I think you could heighten the tension by having more overt disagreement/conflict.
The character traits worked well but there seems to be a blending of Marcus and Carley traits. The dilemma you have placed them in is filled with opportunities to elevate the traits and create a distinct difference between the two characters.
One way to improve the tension is to put some “stake at risk” with the countdown. The greater the risk, like have to pay double for the experience, creates more urgency and builds anticipation for a “Reveal”.
Overall, you continue to demonstrate the various techniques in the class and I see improvement with each writing assignment.
Now that the class is complete, I welcome staying in touch and supporting each other in the development of our scripts. Let me know if you are interested. Otherwise, thanks for sharing this journey and continued great fortune in your screenwriting endeavors.
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Denice:
What a masterful rewrite! I believe you have elevated this scene from the original post to something that represents a viable scene in a screenplay. Truly enjoyed the way you wove the interest techniques into the situation. Your creativity in designing this situation provides a launching pad for the next scene.
Regarding the interest techniques, I saw all of them but there might be an opportunity to end with a cliffhanger. As they kiss, they hear the truck coming back to verify their dead. This creates a real bridge to the next scene and continues to build on the excellent tension and conflict you have created.
Regarding the character traits and subtexts, again great work in weaving them into the scene. Loved the banter and dialogue between the two. Particularly loved the sequence where Marcus is fishing for the penlight and Carley’s efforts to distract both him and I imagine herself.
Throughout the class you have demonstrated a masterful creativity in setting the scene. As we have worked our way through the assignments, it is easy to see the growth in your work. Well done!
Now that the class is finished, if you are interested in staying connected to read, support and bounce ideas off, I welcome that opportunity. Let me know. Otherwise, continued success and I look forward to seeing one of your scripts on the big screen in the near future.
Bob Kerr
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Ed:
What a great sit5uation you have created. The dialogue flowed naturally and the traits appeared without feeling forced. The sub-text shines through and the end result is there is a clear improvement between this first effort and the first effort in Q.E. cycle 1&2. Well done! Looking forward to the rewrite. Thanks, Bob Kerr
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Edward:
Really enjoyed the improvements you made in the rewrite. Filled out the characters and their dialogue. The situation lends itself to great dramatic impact and you weave it extremely well.
Regarding the Max Interest techniques, you really covered the bases on this aspect. I really enjoyed the back and forth dialogue between Phillip and Brandy and the use of Detective Bunz adds drama to the whole scene. Well done! One way to improve it is to have a little more dialogue between Phillip and Brandy to establish their relationship that gave birth to the murder. The greed for money is powerful but there is a suggestion there is more to it than than. Love to see that explored.
The reveal is well done. The demand part creates a sense of urgency and the cover-up creates a sense of partnership between Phillip and Brandy. This heightens the impact of the reveal.
The subtext is handled deftly. Really enjoyed how you wove the subtext into the story. Enjoyed the read. Thank you.
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Denice:
Another very unique situation and I think your rewrite made the scene stronger.
Regarding the Max Interest techniques, you have used them very well. The twist at the end represents a hook for the next scene. It suggests that there will be an escape and then a pursuit. A female bearing a child betrayed will go to the edge of destruction to have her justice. The one “bump” I experienced was when you indicated that it was an international situation. This needs more bolstering and offer great opportunity to introduce a third charact to reinforce that Phillip is working for an international organization.
The reveals, and I counted two, work well in this situation. Adds to the suspense and intrigue while holding the readers interest. Would play well for a viewing audience.
The subtext you have applied with great skill. The one area where I believe you could enhance the scene is a little more on Brandy’s “willingness to lie when it suits her purpose”. You deliver in Phillip’s dialogue but I believe there is an opportunity to have Brandy demonstrate this in a dialogue with a third person.
As a contained scene there is great attraction to the moderate budget cost to shoot the scene. Well done!
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Denice:
Thank you for the feedback. Your suggestions clearly will make the scene stronger. As I continue to work with these techniques, I find myself more comfortable with some of them and some I really need to get more practice.
The real u7pside is the lessons in the class will greatly improve my script and other future projects I am working to develop.
I will get your feedback tomorrow morning. The weekend has been crazy and challenging.
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Denice:
Another great situation and setting. Your creativity and imagination shows through. This scene offers great insight to the interest techniques and the reveal. I look for ward to your rewrite and providing a more detailed critique of your work. Great job!
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Ed: Outside use of an unusual setting to cover the interest techniques and the character traits. Liked the twist of Phillip being gay and Dr. Brandy being involved in more ways than one. Great use of subtext. Looking forward to reading your rewrite. On the rewrite critique I’ll go more in depth about the techniques. Really love how you create these atypical settings as you do these assignments. Well done!
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Denice: Congratulations on another stunning scene setup and delivery. I am in awe of your creative mind and placing the scene in a very unique and interesting situation. As far as the lesson goes, I think the end result of your writing demonstrates that you have applied the concepts with energy and imagination. Bravo! Bob Kerr
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Alfred: You are new to the group. Welcome! Good concept and I encourage you to go a little deeper in apply the interest techniques. You have a great concept, just need to flesh it out with some action. Bob Kerr
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Ed: thanks for your feedback. One of my hopes going into this class was to build a network of writers to collaborate with and pursue mutual interests. I tend to also writ by the seat of my pants, after a long process of mental exercise to get to a potential scene. My writing nook is filled with pinups of the various interest techniques and I just methodically go down the list. A holdover from my days teaching.
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Ed: Really enjoyed the scene you have created. Your capacity to lean into the assignment impresses me. Like you, several of these Interest techniques will take much practice on my part. I am thrilled that your current script made it to the quarterfinal stage of the script contest. I wish you great success with the rewrite base don what we are learning in this class. Thanks for sharing. Bob Kerr
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Edward:
I can appreciate the challenge of changing traits with characters you have lived with for five years plus. Like you, the characters in my script have been with me for five years. How I looked at the assignment, were there ways to improve drama and elevate the tension. Perhaps one way to think about this is to imagine something more extreme. What is lost that sustains the vision? What is gained by changing the vision of the script? Ultimately for me, since my script has been entered into two film festivals, with encouraging coverage but no joy in placing in the competition, changing the script and characters is going to be essential to winning competitions and getting the attention of a manager/agent/producer.
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Denice: Thank you for this very helpful critique. As I work through these QE Cycles I realize that I tend to rush through the assignment. Your suggestions clearly would make a stronger scene. I love the ideas of expanding the dialogue at the end. Your feedback is very helpful and continue to strengthen my skills and my focus. Thank you.
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Denice:
This is a remarkable scene with perhaps the most unusual setting I’ve seen in a while. Well done!
You did a great job with the core traits but I wasn’t clear on which trait you changed. I see Maxine’s tricky, snobbish , paranoid trait. Wasn’t sure about here emotionally wounded part. Renee’s traits of prissy, devious, outgoing and conformist all are tied up in her role as the ships pyschologist. Good fit.
Since we are focus on the new interest techniques, here is what I gleaned from your scene.
The Hook is right off with the setting in space. Excellent job. The dilemma, of either hiding the pregnancy or Renee’s leverage to get a high paying job. Prediction when Maxine says she doesn’t date superiors, suggests something other than romance. The something unseen could be the absence of the rest of the crew in any dialogue or action. The mystery is again back to Maxine’s pregnancy and her claim that she doesn’t date supervisors. Creating a future is in Renee’s leveraging her time on the space station for a better paying job on Earth. Anticipatory dialogue is the likelihood that Renee is going to seduce, or allow herself to be seduced, by the Commander. The cliff hanger is when Maxine reveals that she was raped at the end and what will Renee do with that information. Uncomfortable moment is with the floating vomit. Can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable in space than floating vomit.
Since Hal wants us to share ideas on how to make the scene stronger, the only suggestion I have is for the Commander to call Renee to his station on a comm link. This gets her into his world faster and leaves Renee with little time to process what Maxine just revealed.
Again, really amazing scene. Love reading your work.
Thanks,
Bob
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Edward:
Good progress in the rewrite. You did a great job with the core traits of both Renee and Maxine. Love the way you blended in other characters to add to the dynamic and tension. Opened up opportunities to focus on core traits without being blatant.
Regarding the Interest Techniques: I see the Hook (what is the relationship between Maxine and Renee); the dilemma (reputation is everything in the entertainment industry); Predictions (could be some reference to the Fast and Furious but wasn’t sure); Something Unknown; (Renee’s flirtatious nature when she is engaged); Mystery (Why is Maxine doing this in a public place); Creating a Future (Renee thinks she has a great future when in reality it is Maxine with the big opportunity); Anticipatory Dialogue (the exchange after the waiter leaves. Renee may be the one with the loose reputation); Cliff Hanger ( seems to be the area with the greatest opportunity to build on) and Uncomfortable moment (when Renee confronts Bradley about what he said to Maxine)
I can see you growing more confident with these techniques. It seems to flow pretty easy for you. What might make it more of a cliff hanger is instead of Maxine saying why she has to go, have Renee get a call from her agent saying she has been cut from consideration. Renee asks who got the audition) Still a cliff hangar and we don’t know what Maxine is leaving for. Leaves us wonder what is going on and looking forward to the next scene.
This particular scene is a real challenge for me and I really do enjoy reading your work.
Thanks,
Bob Kerr
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Denice: Great rewrite. I really loved how you created a dynamic and unique environment to stage a very challenging reality for most people, that of when our ex’s still populate our sphere. Your coverage of the four core traits is easily recognizable. Your application of the interest techniques really hones in on the uncomfortable moment, hook, dilemma,. mystery and anticipatory dialogue. AN opportunity to expand the actions to hone in on the “predictions” element is where you could really take this scene over the top. Well done and I you have a real flair for creating unusual yet common settings. Great job!
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Denice: Thanks for a great on point feedback. This one was really a struggle for me as I wanted to get the scene into a very tight and concise format; the practice is good for my script. For the next assignment I will work to expand the action and dialogue. Deeply appreciate your feedback.
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Edward:
I really enjoyed the cliff hanger you included in your rewrite. It brings in an element of hope and still some fear. Good tension.
I tripped on some of the concepts, what is a BOLO, and not sure how Nancy starting to stand up puts both her hands on a pressure plate. I encourage you to go a little deeper in your explanation in those two areas.
On Nancy’s core traits, had a challenge in finding dialogue reflecting the “scheming” core trait. On Squire’s dialogue, the core trait of “happy go lucky” could be enhanced.
The sub texts of both Nancy and Squire come out in the dialogue and actions.
The interest techniques of the Hook; dilemma, something unseen; mystery anticipatory dialogue; cliff hanger and uncomfortable moments were all present.
Was impressed with the rewrite and really admire the technique and unusual situation you placed your scene. Well done, sir.
Bob Kerr
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Alfred:
Interesting and timely setting. Using dialogue to announce the traits is good. The suspense is heightened at the end a bit of a cliff hanger.
Perhaps a way to improve the scene, and make it more of a roller coaster that Hal suggests is to go deeper into the relationship between John & Nick. There is obvious history between the two and that opens the door for dramatic reveal and heightens the HOPE/FEAR element.
Loved how crisp you were with the dialogue.
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Edward. Thank you for your feedback. Very helpful. I tend to lean on speeches and will work on shorter and crisper dialogue in the next cycle. Have a great Sunday.
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Denice:
Amazing setting really unique and great opportunities to build suspense, mystery and betrayal.
Loved how you used the character traits in the dialogue. Crisp and sweeping reveals of each characters core traits.
Perhaps a way to improve the “Roller Coaster” experience is to spend time on detailing how John knows Nick had the plans to begin with. Might further expand the great work you have done on creating the Hope/Fear dynamic.
Great opening scene for an interesting script.
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George:
Loved the scene you have created. Great situation and used the character traits very well.
The hope/fear balance works and the ultimate reveal is a great twist.
Perhaps a way to get more of the “Roller Coaster” dialogue that Hal mentioned is to have John question Nick about the “other women” Give a sense of hope that John thinks he just has a problem and then rip the rug out from him when he reveals the audio.
Enjoyed the read and it sets up the next scene in this script.
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Edward – good morning.
I enjoyed the detailed description of the dialogue. It hit on many of the interest techniques.
The set-up and pay-off seem slightly off compared to the essence you have written.
Perhaps the pay-off could be improved with John actually getting the name.
The situation is dramatic and the realism is strong.
Perhaps another way to improve the “roller-coaster ride” Hal talked about is have an exchange where Nick gives a name and John tells him that’s not the same name you gave five minutes ago. By expanding that set-up and pay-off sequence it feel more emotionally vested.
Overall I think you did a great job! I look forward to your next scene in the QE 3 cycle.
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Denice: Posted my rewrite on the prior day assignment. I seem to be a little out of synch with the lessons and my postings. Hope to get back on track with this next assignment.
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Good afternoon Edward. Happy to share critiques with you and everyone in class
Really enjoyed the setting. It is filled with mystery, intrigue and uncertainty. The simple reality that Robert isn’t comfortable from the beginning create an environment where the conflict is growing with each dialogue exchange.
Liked the twist at the end. The betrayal is used in a very enjoyable process. Leaves lots of doubt for the following scenes in the story.
Enjoyed the way you weave the setting, the suspense of who is going to get their ass kicked as well as the uncertainty of the sequence with Lars.
Look forward to reading your next assignment. Bob Kerr
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Hi Denice: Happy to share my critique and hope to share critiques with everyone
I loved the setting of your scene. Had a mixture of festival and a degree of mystery about the
legends I have heard about the Day of The Dead. Draws the audience in and places them in a state of anticipation.
The dialogue is crisp and flows with the setting. It is important that people feel like there is a conflict of greater magnitude than just the initial appearances and you tell it well.
Liked the twist at the end. Feels like the mystery is only deepening and the outcome is not final. A bit of a tease for the next scene in the script.
I really liked how you wove the ingredients of the two main characters traits into a unique and suspenseful scene that delivered on key interest techniques.
I look forward to reading your future assignments. Bob Kerr
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George: I wanted to share my critique of your rewrite. Happy to share critiques with everyone
I thought the setting of the scene was unique and played well with the arc. One of the strengths of this rewrite is how you played on suspense, surprise and the mislead and reveal.
The subtext for Trent played well with the twist at the end. The hint that Robert held the secrets to woman leads to an interesting action by Trent. Very subtle but very much in character.
The whole mystery about Trent’s expectations that Robert’s wife was going to be there creates a sense of urgency as to the real intent behind Trent’s appointment. Is he someone who is use to interacting with women and perhaps getting a better price for the items or is he a genuine above board dealer in resale items? This mystery is really compelling.
The twist at the end is also well setup. Love the way you wove the characters and the character in the Hawaiian shirt as perhaps an accomplice of Trent’s and it was all a setup.
Thank you for this work.
Bob Kerr