Bob Onufer
Forum Replies Created
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Bob’s Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene
Fear: Nad fears that Professor Wheeler may be the killer.
Suspense: Nad is worried that Professor Wheeler will kill the girl who has come to see him during office hours.
Dread: Convinced Professor Wheeler is killing the girl, Nad must confront the killer to save her.
INT. CHEM BUILDING CORRIDOR – DAY
Nad bolts out of the chemistry lab and runs right into Professor Teddy Wheeler, nearly knocking him over.
Teddy drops an Omega Chi paddle he was carrying.
PROFESSOR WHEELER
Wow. Watch it there.
Nad catches his breath.
NAD
Professor Wheeler. What are you doing here?
PROFESSOR WHEELER
Office hours, Mr. Park.
Nad notices the paddle.
NAD
What are you doing with that?
PROFESSOR WHEELER
Don’t you remember. You brothers gave me this honorary paddle at your last meeting. For being your faculty advisor for ten years.
NAD
But why do you have it with you?
PROFESSOR WHEELER
My wife doesn’t want this in the house, so into the office it goes.
NAD
Someone was chasing me in the chem lab with a paddle.
PROFESSOR WHEELER
I can assure you, Mr. Park, it wasn’t me. I’m too old to chase anyone.
Nad picks up the paddle, looking at it for signs of blood. He hands it to Teddy.
PROFESSOR WHEELER
Satisfied, Mr. Norris.
(a beat)
There is no one out to get the brothers of Omega Chi. If anything it is your mates playing another prank on you. Isn’t that how you brothers spend half your time?
NAD
What about Mort?
PROFESSOR WHEELER
The entry psych tests show Mr. Morris was an extremely disturbed individual. The police have concluded that, spurred on by too much alcohol, he jumped off the roof. The college has settled with the boy’s parents.
NAD
I guess it could have been Blago again.
PROFESSOR WHEELER
Doesn’t that make more sense than a murderer on the loose?
NAD
Still, I’d be careful anyway.
PROFESSOR WHEELER
I wil take that under consideration. Now, if you’ll excuse me.
Teddy walks down the corridor and enters his office.
Nad starts to walk away but looks back and sees a girl with a large purse enter Teddy’s office.
INT. TEDDY’S OFFICE – DAY
Teddy places the Omega Chi paddle on a bookshelf behind his desk and turns to sit. The girl who entered closes the door and stands in front of the desk. We don’t see her face.
PROFESSOR WHEELER
Good afternoon. I don’t recognize you. Are you in my afternoon seminar?
GIRL
Was that a fraternity paddle you were putting away?
PROFESSOR WHEELER
Omega Chi – I’m their faculty advisor.
GIRL
You keep them in line with the college rules?
PROFESSOR WHEELER
It’s a largely symbolic role, as is the paddle.
INT. CHEM BUILDING CORRIDOR – DAY
Nad is slowly walking back towards Teddy’s office. He is on the phone.
NAD
I think Professor Wheeler killed Mort.
CAESAR
(on phone)
You’re crazy.
NAD
I was attacked in chem lab by someone in a robe with one of our fraternity paddles. When I ran into the hallway, I collided with Professor Wheeler and he dropped a paddle.
CAESAR
We gave him an honorary paddle. He’s a drunk and a screwup, but he’s not a killer.
NAD
Someone is in his office now. What if he’s just gone off the deep end?
INT. PROFESSOR WHEELER’S OFFICE – DAY
The girl has gotten closer to the desk. Teddy is uncomfortable.
PROFESSOR WHEELER
What is I can do for you?
GIRL
How long have you been in charge of Omega Chi
PROFESSOR WHEELER
I’m not in charge of Omega Chi.
INT. CHEM BUILDING CORRIDOR – DAY
Nad continues slowly down the corridor towards the office.
INT. PROFESSOR WHEELER’S OFFICE – DAY
Teddy gets up from the desk.
PROFESSOR WHEELER
My office hours are for my chemistry students. If you don’t have a chemistry question, I think we’re done.
The girl locks the door.
PROFESSOR WHEELER
Really. it’s not appropriate for a male professor be in a locked room with an undergraduate coed.
Teddy goes past her to unlock the door but it is jammed. He starts to talk before turning around.
PROFESSOR WHEELER
See here. Whaat did you…
He turns and faces a robed figure. The figure has taken the paddle from the bookshelf.
INT. CHEM BUILDING CORRIDOR – DAY
Nad is just outside the door. He tries the lock.
NAD
(into phone)
The door’s locked.
CAESAR
(from phone)
Maybe he’s having a secret rendezvous.
Loud noises start to come from the room.
NAD
That’s no rendezvous.
INT. PROFESSOR WHEELER’S OFFICE – DAY
The figure is bludgeoning Teddy to death.
INT. CHEM BUILDING CORRIDOR – DAY
Nad tries the door again. Nothing.
NAD
He’s killing her.
CAESAR
We’re calling 9-1-1, Be there as soon as we can.
NAD
I have to get in now.
Nad looks down the hallway and finds a fire extinguisher. He smashes the window to Teddy’s office and opens the door.
He enters prepared to discharge the fire extinguisher at the killer.
But all he finds is Teddy, bludgeoned to death. The window in Teddy’s office is open. Pinned to the body is an Omega Chi party flyer with an X from Teddy’s blood.
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Bob’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene
What I learned from this assignment is that each scene will need to have its share of horror to keep the audience’s interest.
Apprehension: The repetition of the horror that might occur if the fraternity holds its planned party.
Surprise: Nad is startled by the loud metallic music and darkness as he enters his room.
Shock: A robed figure threatens to harm Nad.
INT. OMEGA CHI FOYER – NIGHT
Nad enters the foyer. To his right is the fraternity bulletit board. A copy of the Halloween Party flyer is the board. Someone has drawn a large red X over the flyer.
Nad tears the flyer off the board. As he does, the house
phone RINGS. Nad picks up the phone.
NAD
Hello.
VOICE
(from phone)
Hello, Nad.
NAD
Who is this?
VOICE
Are you still going forward with
the Halloween Party?
NAD
Who’s asking?
VOICE
Halloween is a scary night for a
party. Lots of bad things can
happen.
NAD
Whoever this is, I’m not interested
in your advice.
VOICE
I warned you before, you’re not to
have any more parties.
NAD
You don’t have to come. We won’t
miss you.
Nad starts to hang up the phone.
VOICE
If you hang up, I may need more
than Mort’s blood to X-out the rest
of your flyers.
This stops Nad. He looks at the flyer.
VOICE
Do you want to volunteer your
blood, Nad? You are, after all, the
party planner.
NAD
Whoever you are, you’re sick. We’re
just having a little fun.
VOICE
What’s fun for one may not be fun
for another.
NAD
I’m hanging up.
VOICE
I’d be careful in that dark, old
house if I were you. Lots of
secrets in there.
Nad hangs up.
INT. STAIRWAY – NIGHT
Nad looks at the defiled poster in the dimly lit staircase as he climbs the stairs. He rubs his fingertip on the red X and tastes the smudge that came off on his finger. Can it be? He grimaces.
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
Nad enters the hallway and walks slowly toward his room at
the end of the hall. The hall lights cast shadows on the wall beside him.
INT. NAD’S ROOM – NIGHT
Nad comes to the entrance of his room – a triple with bunk
beds on the right as he enters. He goes to turn on the
lights.
Nothing.
Suddenly, music erupts into the room. Black Sabbath doing
Sabbath Bloody Sabbath at deafening volumes.
A FIGURE comes leaping into the entrance way. Nad makes out the outline of a robe. The grim reaper appears to be holding a dark paddle. He brings it down.
Nad falls back away from the figure, trying to get some
traction to avoid the paddle.
But he can’t get out of the way. The paddle comes down,
stopping inches from his head.
The lights come on.
Nad looks up and sees his ROOMMATE in the robe, laughing.
Behind his roommate are Blago and an inebriated Uncle Barf.
NAD
What the fuck?
BLAGO
Told you he was a pussyshit.
Probably peed his pants.
(to Nad)
He was thinking about canceling the
party.
Nad’s roommate reaches out and helps him up and hands him a joint.
UNCLE BARF
Nah, he’s going make this the
biggest party ever.
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Bob’s Horror Outline Version 1
What I learned doing this assignment is I will need to go back and add clues and foreshadowing as well as expand the outline later.
INT. – OMEGA CHI PARTY ROOM – NIGHT
Brothers Blago and Uncle Barf try to impress some girls at a party. Among the girls they try to impress are Diane Lynch and Sue Weal. Sue, the steady date of Brother Froggie, puts down the antics while Diane leaves.
Blago sees Mort, a fraternity pledge, and harasses him to restore his own ego. The basement phone rings and Blago orders Mort to answer it.
Mort answers the call. On the other end of the phone is the voice of a sexy woman. The voice teases Mort and invites him for a rendezvous in the roof house.
INT. – ROOF HOUSE – NIGHT
Mort enters the dark roof house and calls out and reaches to turn on the light.
Suddenly, a figure jumps out of the darkness. It is dressed in a black robe, is masked, and wields a paddle adorned with the fraternity’s Greek letters. The paddle comes down and bludgeons Mort to death.
EXT. – OMEGA CHI PARTY ROOM -NIGHT
A body crashes outside the party room unheard over the loud party music.
EXT. – OMEGA CHI YARD – DAY
Police and coroner remove Mort’s body in front of a group of brothers. A detective is talking with the fraternity’s faculty advisor, Teddy Wheeler.
INT. – OMEGA CHI DINING ROOM – DAY
Teddy Wheeler addresses the brothers. The police are considering the death a suicide based on the college’s input regarding Mort’s psychological profile. Teddy emphasizes the college’s desire to keep this quiet.
INT. – OMEGA CHI HOUSE VARIOUS ROOMS – DAY/NIGHT
Brothers go about their activities and antics.
INT. – BASEMENT COAL ROOM – NIGHT
A room formerly used in this 100-year-old mansion for coal storage has been converted to a secret meeting room. Most brothers are dressed in black robes identical to the one worn by the murderer. Officers, including Caesar, the fraternity president, wear different color robes representing their officer rank. This is the weekly meeting held by the brothers.
Caesar addresses the meeting regarding Mort. Then, they move on to more pertinent business – the upcoming Halloween party.
Social chairman, Nad, says maybe they should postpone in respect for Mort. He is booed down. Blago says this better be the best party ever.
INT. – OMEGA CHI LIBRARY – DAY
Nad and a few brothers prepare party posters to be hung at local girls’ schools.
INT. – OMEGA CHI ENTRY FOYER – DAY
A bulletin board in the foyer displays the party poster. A blood red message on the poster says to cancel the party or Mort will just be the first.
Nad sees the poster and questions who did it. Everyone denies it.
INT. – FROGGIE’S ROOM – DAY
Sue and Froggie discuss Mort’s death and decide it was a prank.
INT. – NAD’S SHARED TRIPLE ROOM – NIGHT
Nad enters his room. Black Sabbath is playing Nad reaches to turn on the light. Nothing happens. The music gets louder. Suddenly, his roommate appears in front of him and scares the crap out of him.
INT. – OMEGA CHI DINING ROOM – NIGHT
Teddy Wheeler is over for dinner. Nad shows him the defiled poster. Teddy ponders the possibility there is a real threat. He offers an opinion the party might be postponed when a brother comes in with a beer for Teddy.
INT. – GIRLS’ SCHOOL DORMITORY – NIGHT
Nad and a couple of brothers are hanging posters in a neighboring girls’ school. Nad is separated from the group. As he continues to hang posters, the lights go out.
At first, he thinks it’s another prank by his roommate.
But suddenly he hears movement and believes he sees a dark shadow.
Nad runs down unfamiliar corridors trying to escape what he believes may be a killer.
Panic increases as he runs for his life and eventually into the group of other brothers. The other brothers ridicule him for believing he was being chased. The monster watches as they leave.
INT. – NAD’S SHARED TRIPLE ROOM – DAY
Nad studies the defiled poster.
INT. – CHEM LAB – DAY
Nad is the last one left in the lab after class ends. The monster appears and chases Nad. Nad manages to use the items in the lab to help escape the monster.
INT. – SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
Nad runs into Teddy Wheeler as he hurries from the lab.
INT. TEDDY WHEELER’S OFFICE – DAY
Nad tells Teddy about the monster. Teddy dismisses it as a prank. We see that Teddy has an Omega Chi fraternity paddle on his wall (a gift to the faculty advisor).
When Nad leaves, he passes a girl on the way in. Teddy finishes talking with the girl. When she goes, Teddy locks his door.
When he turns around, the monster is holding the honorary paddle.
Teddy is bludgeoned to death. A party poster is pinned to the body.
INT. – BASEMENT COAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nad advocates canceling the party. The brotherhood disagrees.
EXT. – OMEGA CHI FRATERNITY HOUSE – NIGHT
Partygoers arrive at the party.
INT. – OMEGA CHI BASEMENT PARTY ROOM – NIGHT
Brothers and guests attend the party. Some hang out in the bar room; others dance in on the adjacent dance room. Diane Lynch is at the bar talking with Brother Hawes. She tries to seduce him but is unsuccessful. Hawes says he’s saving himself and tries to convince Diane she should do the same.
A wasted Uncle Barf interrupts. He tries to impress her by offering to show her the meeting room where the fraternity has a coffin and skeleton. She agrees to meet him.
Before she leaves, Caesar comes to the bar and begins talking with her using his stature as president to impress her. She excuses herself.
INT. – BASEMENT COAL ROOM – NIGHT
Uncle Barf enters the dark room and calls out for Diane. Instead of Diane, the monster in the black robe appears. Uncle Barf tries to convince the monster he is innocent and shouldn’t be killed.
The monster bludgeons Uncle Barf.
INT. – OMEGA CHI BASEMENT BAR ROOM – NIGHT
The party is in full swing. Brothers hook up with girls and gradually leave the party room. Caesar is looking for Diane and spots her. He invites her up to his single room. She agrees.
They leave together.
INT. – OMEGA CHI BASEMENT DANCE FLOOR – NIGHT
Uncle Barf staggers into the dance area, bleeding from his forehead. He staggers and falls. Dancers part ways and girls start to scream.
Brothers Nad, Froggie, Blago and Hawes take charge. They look for Caesar but don’t see him.
Nad and Froggie go to look for Caesar while Blago and Hawes attend to Uncle Barf.
INT. – CAESAR’S SINGLE ROOM – NIGHT
Nad and Froggie enter the room. Caesar is dead in the center of the bed. Bludgeoned and posed in a sacrificial position.
INT. – OMEGA CHI PARTY ROOM – NIGHT
Froggie goes to talk with Sue Weal while Nad goes to find Blago and Hawes.
A trail of blood leads to the:
INT. – BASEMENT COAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nad enters the room to find Hawes and Blago tied near the coffin. The monster’s voice is heard in the room. The monster gives Nad the option to pick one of the brothers to die.
Instead, Nad manages to free both brothers using a strategy similar to his escape in the lab and they escape into the:
INT. – OMEGA CHI BASEMENT PARTY ROOM – NIGHT
Where Nad puts together the puzzle of who the monster might be. He decides to face the monster and returns to the:
INT. – BASEMENT COAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nad calls out to the monster and wants to know why it is terrorizing the fraternity. The monster provides insight into the reason but is not appeased and attacks Nad. Nad fends off a blow but ends up falling into the coffin, apparently dead.
INT. – OMEGA CHI PARTY ROOM – NIGHT
The music stops and the lights go out. The monster appears in the room and starts bludgeoning brothers. Froggie starts leading the partygoers out a basement exit. He is cut down by the monster.
Nad arrives in the room. He has a ritual sword from the basement coal room and goes after the monster. In the dark he kills Sue Weal. The monster is about to bludgeon Nad when the music and lights come back on and he manages to wield the sword and injure the monster’s arm, drawing blood.
The monster runs out of the room.
INT. – BASEMENT COAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nad, followed by Blago, Hawes, and other brothers follow the trail of blood to a set of hidden stairs that lead to the:
INT. – OMEGA CHI ROOF HOUSE – NIGHT
Diane Lynch sits lying alone in the roof house, apparently dead from the wound. The black robe and Omega Chi paddle lie on top of the robe.
Nad tells everyone what the monster had told her about her sister being raped by someone at the fraternity. Everyone looks a Blago who admits he had sex with her but claims it wasn’t rape. Diane awakens races at Blago and pushes him off the roof. She falls with him.
EXT. – OMEGA CHI YARD – NIGHT
Two bodies fall into the yard.
INT. – OMEGA CHI BASEMENT BAR ROOM – NIGHT
The police have arrived on the scene and are sorting through it. A girl who looks very much like Diane Lynch passes bodies and panicked partygoers and comes to one of the officers. She says she is looking for her sister.
The monster comes after Nad. He escapes by hiding in the coffin.
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Bob’s Character Journey Track
What I learned from this assignment is that integrating the various tracks is a complex process that should lead to a strong outline when complete.
NAD
Role: Survivor.
Traits: Intellectual, Self-Assured.
Fears: Darkness, Confined spaces.
Wants / Needs: To be the best / Solve the problem.
Likeability / Rooting factors: Smart. Willing to step up when he must.
How they react under stress: Calm, logical.
Relationship with other characters: Respected, he is private but gets along with everyone.
Character Intro: Given responsibility of running the best fraternity party.
Denial: Believes first death was not a murder.
Their reaction at first horror: Cautious, measured.
Reaction to group after first horror: Tries to convince group to consider horror seriously but is ridiculed.
How they fight back: Tries to solve the mystery of who the monster might be.
End point: Wounds the monster leading to the reveal.
Insight from Death / Survival: Don’t take anything for granted if you want to survive.
CAESAR
Role: Leader.
Traits: Political, Superficial.
Fears: Not being liked.
Wants / Needs: To be considered the leader / to take responsibility and lead.
Likeability / Rooting factors: Witty, handsome. Has a façade of leadership.
How they react under stress: Unsure of self, delegates responsibility.
Relationship with other characters: Distant, but he has been elected president of the fraternity, so he wields some authority.
Character Intro: Addresses meeting after death of first brother – passes the buck.
Denial: Believes fraternity should take horrors seriously but too week to follow through.
Their reaction at first horror: Disappears, hides out.
Reaction to group after first horror: Backs away from responsibility.
How they fight back: Use other brothers to do the direct confrontation.
End point: Sacrificed by the monster.
Insight from Death / Survival: Leaders should take responsibility for their group’s moral behavior.
BLAGO
Role: Carrier, the reason the monster enters the fraternity.
Traits: Kind of an asshole, arrogant, self-proclaimed ladies’ man.
Fears: Being found out as a fraud.
Wants / Needs: To be admired / to find self-respect.
Likeability / Rooting factors: Charismatic, at least until you get to know him.
How they react under stress: Blame others, act out angrily.
Relationship with other characters: They put up with him, most know he’s an asshole.
Character Intro: Putting on a show in front of some girls at a party.
Denial: Whatever it is, it’s not his fault.
Their reaction at first horror: Sacrifice another brother if he can.
Reaction to group after first horror: Hangs back, wants others to take the lead even though it’s his fault the monster is present.
How they fight back: Runs, tries to place others between himself and the monster.
End point: Killed by monster in the monster returns from death scene.
Insight from Death / Survival: The carrier receives his just punishment.
UNCLE BARF
Role: Out of control, alcoholic.
Traits: Partier.
Fears: Loneliness.
Wants / Needs: To be surrounded by friends / to improve his self-esteem.
Likeability / Rooting factors: Funny, helpful. Will give you the shirt off his back.
How they react under stress: He numbs out, can’t deal with it.
Relationship with other characters: Most brothers like him; some pity him, and he is the butt of some jokes. Blago uses him in his attempts to impress women.
Character Intro: Drunk at the first party – participating in show with Blago to impress partygoers.
Denial: Doesn’t think first horror was a murder but fears he might die in the same manner.
Their reaction at first horror: Fear.
Reaction to group after first horror: Withdraws and drinks.
How they fight back: Tries to reason with monster.
End point: Killed by monster as part of terrorizing spree.
Insight from Death / Survival: If you don’t take a stand against something immoral; you are complicit.
TEDDY WHEELER
Role: Faculty advisor.
Traits: Sloppy, dysfunctional.
Fears: Not being liked, beautiful coeds.
Wants / Needs: To be a buddy to the fraternity brothers / to be the adult in the room.
Likeability / Rooting factors: One of the boys. Occasionally can provide some wisdom.
How they react under stress: Panics.
Relationship with other characters: Brothers treat him respectfully when he’s in front of them; behind his back, they think he’s a joke and can be easily manipulated.
Character Intro: Drinking with the boys at a fraternity dinner.
Denial: Things the first horror should be taken seriously but is talked out of it.
Their reaction at first horror: Advises against doing anything that can cause more horror but is readily dissuaded.
Reaction to group after first horror: Lends his sympathy and ends up drinking with the boys
How they fight back: Runs, tries to escape.
End point: Killed by monster as a message to the fraternity.
Insight from Death / Survival: The adults should take control of the situation if the brothers will not.
MORT
Role: Innocent, pledge.
Traits: Befuddled, confused.
Fears: The brotherhood, Not being part of the group.
Wants / Needs: To be accepted / to be confidant.
Likeability / Rooting factors: Innocence, we root for him because he’s picked on by the brothers.
How they react under stress: Conforms to those he believes superior.
Relationship with other characters: Tentative. He is new to the group.
Character Intro: Picked on by brothers at opening fraternity party.
Denial: He is the first victim; he answers the phone and is seduced.
Their reaction at first horror: Surprise, fear.
Reaction to group after first horror: He is killed.
How they fight back: Tries to escape.
End point: Killed as the first victim to establish the monster’s presence.
Insight from Death / Survival: There is something not right at the fraternity.
FROGGIE
Role: The “married” brother.
Traits: Settled, timid, pussy-whipped.
Fears: Heights, his steady girlfriend.
Wants / Needs: To be treated as a leader / to be a man.
Likeability / Rooting factors: Settled down, not part of the party group. We also root for him because he is intimidated by Sue.
How they react under stress: Take charge, direct people.
Relationship with other characters: Looked up to and admired by others except when his girlfriend is around.
Character Intro: With his date at first party scene.
Denial: Believes the first death is a fraternity prank.
Their reaction at first horror: Detachment.
Reaction to group after first horror: Tries to determine if others are playing a prank.
How they fight back: Helps others escape before aiding in fight directly.
End point: Killed trying to help people escape.
Insight from Death / Survival: Fight must be taken directly to the monster.
SUE WEAL
Role: Survivor. Froggie’s steady date. Red herring.
Traits: Stiff, in control.
Fears: Blood, vermin, and bugs.
Wants / Needs: To show she’s better than everyone else / to be loved.
Likeability / Rooting factors: Doesn’t put up with the brothers’ shit. Sort of a den-mother/protector to other girls.
How they react under stress: Confront it.
Relationship with other characters: Brothers are put off by her a bit. She frowns upon their drinking and partying but attends parties to keep Froggie in check.
Character Intro: Putting down the antics of Blago at the first party.
Denial: Believes it is a fraternity prank and convinces Froggie the same.
Their reaction at first horror: Escape, trying to convince Froggie not to help other fraternity brothers.
Reaction to group after first horror: Distances herself
How they fight back: Run to escape.
End point: Survives the monster, loses her boyfriend, and is accidentally killed by Nad during the fight against the monster.
Insight from Death / Survival: Selfishness results in loss.
HAWES
Role: Survivor. The moral one.
Traits: Religious, high morality.
Fears: Blood, death.
Wants / Needs: To be an example to moral behavior / To find a moral companion.
Likeability / Rooting factors: Honest, helpful, respectful of the girls at the party.
How they react under stress: Gives up when faced with too high a stressful situation.
Relationship with other characters: Other brothers find his morality a bit of a burden.
Character Intro: Being respectful at first fraternity party.
Denial: Devastated by first death but doesn’t believe it will be a pattern.
Their reaction at first horror: Reflective, trying to see if there is an internal reason for what’s happening.
Reaction to group after first horror: Tries to convince group to behave better.
How they fight back: Tries to win a moral argument with the monster.
End point: Captured and becomes part of Nad’s choice as to who lives or dies. Escapes when Nad confronts monster.
Insight from Death / Survival: Moral behavior may let you survive the monster.
ADD TO PLOT
Title: FRAT NIGHT
ACT 1 – SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established: Monster seduces fraternity brother Mort for a rendezvous and bludgeons him to death.
BLAGO CHARACTER INTRO: Putting on a show in front of some girls at a party.
UNCLE BARF CHARACTER INTRO: Already drunk, participating with Blago to impress girls.
MORT CHARACTER INTRO: Put down by Blago as part of his routine to impress.
SUE WEAL CHARACTER INTRO: Confronts Blago regarding his behavior and Uncle Barf regarding his drinking.
FROGGIE CHARACTER INTRO: Froggie sort of cowers in the background while his steady date takes on his fraternity brothers.
HAWES CHARACTER INTRO: Turning down a sexual advance from a girl at the party.
MORT DENIAL: Mort meets monster after being seduced during a phone call.
DEMAND: Introduce violence and terror.
MONSTER REVEAL: When responding to the seductress, Brother Mort is met with violence.
Horror Situation: Fraternity Brother Mort is lured into a dangerous situation by monster using the guise of a seductress.
Reaction – Denial: Fraternity Brother mort agrees to rendezvous with “monster” in the roof house at the fraternity.
Horror Situation: When the Brother Mort enters the roof house, he is attacked by the monster, bludgeoned, and thrown off the roof.
Character Death 1: Brother Mort who answers the phone.
Why: Makes the bad decision to meet the monster for sex.
How: Surprised, bludgeoned to death with fraternity paddle, thrown off roof.
MORT INSIGHT: Something is amiss at the fraternity.
Connect with the characters: Brothers shown interacting over Mort’s death and planning their big party for Halloween. Brother Froggie informs Sue Weal of Mort’s death by phone.
CAESAR CHARACTER INTRO: President of the fraternity calls a special meeting to talk about Mort’s death.
TEDDY WHEELER CHARACTER INTRO: Faculty advisor Teddy represents the school at the fraternity. Offers condolences and stresses the school plans to keep the “suicide” quiet as well as the fact that Mort was drinking.
NAD CHARACTER INTRO: Nad notes there is a big Halloween party upcoming in two weeks and perhaps they should cancel it due to the death of Mort. He is booed down.
The characters are warned not to do it: Fraternity receives a call saying they should cancel all their parties or there could be consequences. Faculty advisor tells Nad, the social chairman, he should cancel the planned party given the mysterious death of Mort and subsequent phone call.
Denial of Horror: At weekly meeting, brothers vote to proceed with the party considering the death unrelated and the call a prank. Nad is told to make it the biggest party ever.
SUE WEAL AND FROGGIE DENIAL: Believe this is a fraternity prank and that Mort will show up on Halloween.
CAESAR AND UNCLE BARF DENIAL: Believe the phone call is a prank.
HAWES DENIAL: Thinks it may be a prank phone call but is willing to explore the fraternity brothers’ behaviors.
NAD DENIAL: Believes a prank phone call is likely but will proceed with caution.
TEDDY WHEELER DENIAL: Believes there is a real threat but is not strong enough to pursue.
DEMAND: Brothers try to figure out if the earlier brother’s death is related to the call to cancel the party.
MONSTER REVEAL: Brothers conclude there is no monster.
Safety taken away: While hanging party posters at a neighboring girls’ school, Nad is separated from the other brothers.
NAD REACTION TO HORROR: Believes threat is real and tries to convince others.
BROTHERS‘ DENIAL: Brothers ridicule Nad after he was lost in the dark.
DEMAND: We need to understand the first death was not random but rather part of a plan.
MONSTER REVEAL: Monster, costumed. as in opening scene, pursues Nad in the dark.
Horror Situation: Nad is isolated and lost in an unfamiliar dormitory. The lights go out.
Reaction – Panic: Paranoid and lost, Nad runs down a maze of corridors in the dark.
Monster – The nature of the beast: Nad is pursued by the monster and manages to survive.
NAD REACTION TO HORROR: Logical – try to determine who the monster might be.
DEMAND: After seeing the monster, we need to convince others it is real.
MONSTER REVEAL: Nad swears he was being pursued; brothers continue to be in denial.
Horror Situation: Nad is confused and frightened as he turns the corner.
Reaction – Denial: And runs into the other brothers who ridicule him.
ACT 2 – THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Monster confronts Nad in chemistry lab for not cancelling party.
NAD FIGHT BACK: Escapes the monster.
DEMAND: Escalate terror.
MONSTER REVEAL: Monster attempts to kill Nad.
Horror Situation: Nad is alone in the chemistry lab after class. The monster attacks him from out of nowhere.
Reaction – Escape: Nad manages to evade the monster, running into the faculty advisor in the hallway.
One of us is killed: Faculty advisor Teddy Wheeler is killed.
TEDDY WHEELER FIGHT BACK: Tries to escape the monster.
TEDDY WHEELER INSIGHT: Adults should take charge if the fraternity is not behaving.
DEMAND: Faculty advisor’s death increases terror and provides a clue to help us understand the monster’s motive.
MONSTER REVEAL: Monster leaves a party flyer on body after killing faculty advisor.
Horror Situation: Faculty advisor is alone in his office when the monster shows up.
Reaction – Fight: The monster kills the faculty advisor and leaves a party flyer on his body.
Character Death 2: Faculty advisor.
Why: He represents the school’s indifference as to how the fraternities behave and treat women.
How: Surprised by seductress. Bludgeoned to death with fraternity paddle. (Paddle is hanging on wall – a gift from the fraternity). The monster (as the grim reaper) shows up after seductress leaves.
MIDPOINT – The monster is worse than we thought: Party night – the Monster seduces one of the brothers. While waiting for the seductress in a darkened room, he is met by the monster.
Terrorized: The monster bludgeons the brother to death.
UNCLE BARF DENIAL: Believes seductress is not the monster.
UNCLE BARF FIGHT BACK: Tries to reason with monster.
DEMAND: Discover who might be the monster.
MONSTER REVEAL: Is the woman who seduced Uncle Barf related to the killings?
UNCLE BARF INSIGHT: If you don’t take a stand against something immoral, you are complicit.
Horror Situation: A girl at the party seduces a brother to meeting her in a basement room once used for coal storage.
Reaction – Denial: The drunken brother perceives no danger.
Horror Situation: The brother is met by the monster. The monster bludgeons him to death.
Character Death 3: Uncle Barf.
Why: Character flaw causing him to make a wrong decision.
How: Lured away from the party and bludgeoned to death.
ACT 3 – FULL OUT HORROR
Full pursuit by the killer: One by one, brothers are disappearing from the party.
CAESAR INSIGHT: Leaders must take responsibility for the moral behavior of their group.
DEMAND: Escalate the terror; provide potential hope to solve mystery.
MONSTER REVEAL: Nad tries to determine if the manner in which the president is killed reveals anything about the monster.
Horror Situation: Brothers start to disappear from the party.
Reaction – Denial: Others at party assume the brothers that have left made a connection with a girl and have left for sex.
Character Death 4: Caesar, fraternity president.
Why: Assumed to set the moral agenda for the fraternity.
How: Sacrificed.
Horror Situation: Blago (the rapist brother) and Hawes (the moral brother) disappear.
Reaction – Try to solve it: Nad goes to basement coal room to look for missing brothers.
Fight to the death: Nad must pick who dies.
DEMAND: Need to pull together the reason for the presence of the monster.
MONSTER REVEAL: Nad suspects there is a reason he has been asked to pick between the two brothers.
Horror Situation: Blago and Hawes are tied up in basement coal room. Monster informs Nad he can save one of them.
Reaction – Fight: Nad manages to free Blago and Hawes.
The thrilling escape from death: Nad hides in a coffin (present as part of a fraternity ritual) to escape death.
DEMAND: Escalate danger.
MONSTER REVEAL: Monster decides to go after everyone to get its vengeance.
Horror Situation: After freeing Blago and Hawes, Nad returns to confront the monster.
Reaction – Hide: The monster gains the upper hand. Nad is hit by the monster and falls into a coffin. Nad hides in the coffin.
Apparent Death 1: Nad, after being hit, falls in coffin and hides with skeleton.
Why: Increase horror.
How: Attempted something that fails (confronting the monster).
Hysteria: Power goes out in the basement party room. Panic ensues.
FROGGIE FIGHT BACK: Try to help others escape from the monster.
FROGGIE INSIGHT: Fight must be taken directly to the monster.
Horror Situation: Music stops, and lights go out in the party room.
Reaction – Escape: Everyone in party room runs for exits in the dark. A few are picked off by the monster.
DEMAND: Create panic.
MONSTER REVEAL: Any and all brothers can be killed.
Character Death 5: Random brother is killed.
Why: Innocent killed to increase horror.
How: Surprised and bludgeoned.
Character Death 6: Froggie is killed.
Why: Monster is lashing out.
How: Escape attempt leads into monster, and he is bludgeoned.
Death returns to take one or more: Nad uses a fencing sword to ward off monster and accidentally kills another partygoer.
SUE WEAL INSIGHT: Selfishness results in loss.
NAD FIGHT BACK: Take the fight to the monster.
DEMAND: Need to sacrifice others to stop the monster.
MONSTER REVEAL: Nad fights the monster causing it to flee.
Horror Situation: Monster continues to cause hysteria.
Reaction – Fight: Nad grabs a fencing sword and attacks monster. In the process, he accidentally kills Sue Weal, Froggie’s steady date, and causes a bloody injury on the monster’s arm. The monster flees.
Character Death 7: Sue Weal.
Why: Nad made a bad decision to wield a sword.
How: Nad charged blindly into action.
Resolution: When brothers enter the basement coal room to confront the monster, they find a set of hidden stairs leading back to the roof house seen in the opening murder. Once they get to the roof house, they find only the seductress whose sister was raped. The costume the monster wore is on the floor and she is apparently dead from the fencing sword wound. Nad confronts Blago noting the motivation for her attacks. The seductress awakens and attacks Blago. She is surrounded and bludgeoned by the group of brothers (not including Nad). As the lights come back on in the party room, a girl is asking where her sister is.
HAWES INSIGHT: The moral may survive.
BLAGO FIGHT BACK: Offer other brothers as sacrifice.
BLAGO INSIGHT: The carrier will be met with justice.
NAD INSIGHT: In order to destroy the monster, don’t take anything for granted.
DEMAND: Nad figures out what drew the monster to the fraternity.
MONSTER REVEAL: This monster is killed but there is another monster in the making.
Character Death 8: Blago.
Why: Blago’s bad moral decision released the monster.
How: Uses skeleton to skewer Blago.
Character Death 9: The monster.
Why: Set the world right again.
How: Bludgeoned by the remaining brothers.
Horror Situation: Monster’s sister comes looking for her.
Reaction – Sequel: A new need for vengeance.
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Bob’s Monster Reveal Track.
What I learned from this assignment is that some prior tracks come into better focus when adding the monster track.
A. Who is the monster; what is the terror.
COMPONENTS OF THE MONSTER
Powers: Secrecy, uses seduction and sex to lure male victims into situations where they are vulnerable. Operates in the dark and in disguise using surprise to kill her victims with a paddle representing the fraternity.
Limitations: Requires surprise to maintain the upper hand against victims who may be able to overtake her if confronted directly.
Weaknesses: Basically human. Can readily be defeated by common means if discovered.
Plan/Purpose/Appetite: Is seeking vengeance against those that raped her sister. This includes those who condoned the behavior or ignored it such as the college, faculty advisor, and fraternity officers.
Who or what the monster is: A student at a college whose sister was raped at a fraternity party.
B. MONSTER REVEAL
Title: FRAT NIGHT
ACT 1 – SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established: Monster seduces fraternity brother for a rendezvous and bludgeons him to death.
DEMAND: Introduce violence and terror.
MONSTER REVEAL: When responding to the seductress, brother is met with violence.
Horror Situation: Fraternity brother is lured into a dangerous situation by monster using the guise of a seductress.
Reaction – Denial: Fraternity brother agrees to rendezvous with “monster” in the roof house at the fraternity.
Horror Situation: When the fraternity brother enters the roof house, he is attacked by the monster, bludgeoned, and thrown off the roof.
Character Death 1: Random brother who answers the phone.
Why: Makes the bad decision to meet the monster for sex.
How: Surprised, bludgeoned to death with fraternity paddle, thrown off roof.
Connect with the characters: Brothers shown interacting and planning their big party of the year.
The characters are warned not to do it: Fraternity receives a call saying they should cancel all their parties or there could be consequences. Faculty advisor tells Nad, the social chairman, he should cancel the planned party given the mysterious death of the brother and subsequent phone call.
Denial of Horror: At weekly meeting, brothers vote to proceed with the party considering the death unrelated and the call a prank. Nad is told to make it the biggest party ever.
DEMAND: Brothers try to figure out if the earlier brother’s death is related to the call to cancel the party.
MONSTER REVEAL: Brothers conclude there is no monster.
Safety taken away: While hanging party posters at a neighboring girls’ school, Nad is separated from the other brothers.
DEMAND: We need to understand the first death was not random but rather part of a plan.
MONSTER REVEAL: Monster, costumed. as in opening scene, pursues Nad in the dark.
Horror Situation: Nad is isolated and lost in an unfamiliar dormitory. The lights go out.
Reaction – Panic: Paranoid and lost, Nad runs down a maze of corridors in the dark.
Monster – The nature of the beast: Nad is pursued by the monster and manages to survive.
DEMAND: After seeing the monster, we need to convince others it is real.
MONSTER REVEAL: Nad swears he was being pursued; brothers continue to be in denial.
Horror Situation: Nad is confused and frightened as he turns the corner.
Reaction – Denial: And runs into the other brothers who ridicule him.
ACT 2 – THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Monster confronts Nad in chemistry lab for not cancelling party.
DEMAND: Escalate terror.
MONSTER REVEAL: Monster attempts to kill Nad.
Horror Situation: Nad is alone in the chemistry lab after class. The monster attacks him from out of nowhere.
Reaction – Escape: Nad manages to evade the monster, running into the faculty advisor in the hallway.
One of us is killed: Faculty advisor is killed.
DEMAND: Faculty advisor’s death increases terror and provides a clue to help us understand the monster’s motive.
MONSTER REVEAL: Monster leaves a party flyer on body after killing faculty advisor.
Horror Situation: Faculty advisor is alone in his office when the monster shows up.
Reaction – Fight: The monster kills the faculty advisor and leaves a party flyer on his body.
Character Death 2: Faculty advisor.
Why: He represents the school’s indifference as to how the fraternities behave and treat women.
How: Surprised by seductress. Bludgeoned to death with fraternity paddle. (Paddle is hanging on wall – a gift from the fraternity). The monster (as the grim reaper) shows up after seductress leaves.
MIDPOINT – The monster is worse than we thought: Party night – the Monster seduces one of the brothers. While waiting for the seductress in a darkened room, he is met by the monster.
Terrorized: The monster bludgeons the brother to death.
DEMAND: Discover who might be the monster.
MONSTER REVEAL: Is the woman who seduced Uncle Barf related to the killings?
Horror Situation: A girl at the party seduces a brother to meeting her in a basement room once used for coal storage.
Reaction – Denial: The drunken brother perceives no danger.
Horror Situation: The brother is met by the monster. The monster bludgeons him to death.
Character Death 3: Uncle Barf.
Why: Character flaw causing him to make a wrong decision.
How: Lured away from the party and bludgeoned to death.
ACT 3 – FULL OUT HORROR
Full pursuit by the killer: One by one, brothers are disappearing from the party.
DEMAND: Escalate the terror; provide potential hope to solve mystery.
MONSTER REVEAL: Nad tries to determine if the manner in which the president is killed reveals anything about the monster.
Horror Situation: Brothers start to disappear from the party.
Reaction – Denial: Others at party assume the brothers that have left made a connection with a girl and have left for sex.
Character Death 4: Caesar, fraternity president.
Why: Assumed to set the moral agenda for the fraternity.
How: Sacrificed.
Horror Situation: Blago (the rapist brother) and Hawes (the moral brother) disappear.
Reaction – Try to solve it: Nad goes to basement coal room to look for missing brothers.
Fight to the death: Nad must pick who dies.
DEMAND: Need to pull together the reason for the presence of the monster.
MONSTER REVEAL: Nad suspects there is a reason he has been asked to pick between the two brothers.
Horror Situation: Blago and Hawes are tied up in basement coal room. Monster informs Nad he can save one of them.
Reaction – Fight: Nad manages to free Blago and Hawes.
The thrilling escape from death: Nad hides in a coffin (present as part of a fraternity ritual) to escape death.
DEMAND: Escalate danger.
MONSTER REVEAL: Monster decides to go after everyone to get its vengeance.
Horror Situation: After freeing Blago and Hawes, Nad returns to confront the monster.
Reaction – Hide: The monster gains the upper hand. Nad is hit by the monster and falls into a coffin. Nad hides in the coffin.
Apparent Death 1: Nad, after being hit, falls in coffin and hides with skeleton.
Why: Increase horror.
How: Attempted something that fails (confronting the monster).
Hysteria: Power goes out in the basement party room. Panic ensues.
Horror Situation: Music stops, and lights go out in the party room.
Reaction – Escape: Everyone in party room runs for exits in the dark. A few are picked off by the monster.
DEMAND: Create panic.
MONSTER REVEAL: Any and all brothers can be killed.
Character Death 5: Mort is killed.
Why: Innocent killed to increase horror.
How: Surprised and bludgeoned.
Character Death 6: Froggie is killed.
Why: Monster is lashing out.
How: Escape attempt leads into monster, and he is bludgeoned.
Death returns to take one or more: Nad uses a fencing sword to ward off monster and accidentally kills another partygoer.
DEMAND: Need to sacrifice others to stop the monster.
MONSTER REVEAL: Nad fights the monster causing it to flee.
Horror Situation: Monster continues to cause hysteria.
Reaction – Fight: Nad grabs a fencing sword and attacks monster. In the process, he accidentally kills Sue Weal, Froggie’s steady date, and causes a bloody injury on the monster’s arm. The monster flees.
Character Death 7: Sue Weal.
Why: Nad made a bad decision to wield a sword.
How: Nad charged blindly into action.
Resolution: When brothers enter the basement coal room to confront the monster, they find a set of hidden stairs leading back to the roof house seen in the opening murder. Once they get to the roof house, they find only the seductress whose sister was raped. The costume the monster wore is on the floor and she is apparently dead from the fencing sword wound. Nad confronts Blago noting the motivation for her attacks. The seductress awakens and attacks Blago. She is surrounded and bludgeoned by the group of brothers (not including Nad). As the lights come back on in the party room, a girl is asking where her sister is.
DEMAND: Nad figures out what drew the monster to the fraternity.
MONSTER REVEAL: This monster is killed but there is another monster in the making.
Character Death 8: Blago.
Why: Blago’s bad moral decision released the monster.
How: Uses skeleton to skewer Blago.
Character Death 9: The monster.
Why: Set the world right again.
How: Bludgeoned by the remaining brothers.
Horror Situation: Monster’s sister comes looking for her.
Reaction – Sequel: A new need for vengeance.
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Bob’s Character Death Track.
What I learned doing this assignment is to provide a basis for each death.
Title: FRAT NIGHT
ACT 1 – SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established: Monster seduces fraternity brother for a rendezvous and bludgeons him to death.
Horror Situation: Fraternity brother is lured into a dangerous situation by monster using the guise of a seductress.
Reaction – Denial: Fraternity brother agrees to rendezvous with “monster” in the roof house at the fraternity.
Horror Situation: When the fraternity brother enters the roof house, he is attacked by the monster, bludgeoned, and thrown off the roof.
Character Death 1: Random brother who answers the phone.
Why: Makes the bad decision to meet the monster for sex.
How: Surprised, bludgeoned to death with fraternity paddle, thrown off roof.
Connect with the characters: Brothers shown interacting and planning their big party of the year.
The characters are warned not to do it: Fraternity receives a call saying they should cancel all their parties or there could be consequences. Faculty advisor tells Nad, the social chairman, he should cancel the planned party given the mysterious death of the brother and subsequent phone call.
Denial of Horror: At weekly meeting, brothers vote to proceed with the party considering the death unrelated and the call a prank. Nad is told to make it the biggest party ever.
Safety taken away: While hanging party posters at a neighboring girls’ school, Nad is separated from the other brothers.
Horror Situation: Nad is isolated and lost in an unfamiliar dormitory. The lights go out.
Reaction – Panic: Paranoid and lost, Nad runs down a maze of corridors in the dark.
Monster – The nature of the beast: Nad is pursued by the monster and manages to survive.
Horror Situation: Nad is confused and frightened as he turns the corner.
Reaction – Denial: And runs into the other brothers who ridicule him.
ACT 2 – THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Monster confronts Nad in chemistry lab for not cancelling party.
Horror Situation: Nad is alone in the chemistry lab after class. The monster attacks him from out of nowhere.
Reaction – Escape: Nad manages to evade the monster, running into the faculty advisor in the hallway.
One of us is killed: Faculty advisor is killed.
Horror Situation: Faculty advisor is alone in his office when the monster shows up.
Reaction – Fight: The monster kills the faculty advisor and leaves a party flyer on his body.
Character Death 2: Faculty advisor.
Why: He represents the school’s indifference as to how the fraternities behave and treat women.
How: Surprised by seductress. Bludgeoned to death with fraternity paddle. (Paddle is hanging on wall – a gift from the fraternity). The monster (as the grim reaper) shows up after seductress leaves.
MIDPOINT – The monster is worse than we thought: Party night – the Monster seduces one of the brothers. While waiting for the seductress in a darkened room, he is met by the monster.
Terrorized: The monster bludgeons the brother to death.
Horror Situation: A girl at the party seduces a brother to meeting her in a basement room once used for coal storage.
Reaction – Denial: The drunken brother perceives no danger.
Horror Situation: The brother is met by the monster. The monster bludgeons him to death.
Character Death 3: Uncle Barf.
Why: Character flaw causing him to make a wrong decision.
How: Lured away from the party and bludgeoned to death.
ACT 3 – FULL OUT HORROR
Full pursuit by the killer: One by one, brothers are disappearing from the party.
Horror Situation: Brothers start to disappear from the party.
Reaction – Denial: Others at party assume the brothers that have left made a connection with a girl and have left for sex.
Character Death 4: Caesar, fraternity president.
Why: Assumed to set the moral agenda for the fraternity.
How: Sacrificed.
Horror Situation: Blago (the rapist brother) and Hawes (the moral brother) disappear.
Reaction – Try to solve it: Nad goes to basement coal room to look for missing brothers.
Fight to the death: Nad must pick who dies.
Horror Situation: Blago and Hawes are tied up in basement coal room. Monster informs Nad he can save one of them.
Reaction – Fight: Nad manages to free Blago and Hawes.
The thrilling escape from death: Nad hides in a coffin (present as part of a fraternity ritual) to escape death.
Horror Situation: After freeing Blago and Hawes, Nad returns to confront the monster.
Reaction – Hide: The monster gains the upper hand. Nad is hit by the monster and falls into a coffin. Nad hides in the coffin.
Apparent Death 1: Nad, after being hit, falls in coffin and hides with skeleton.
Why: Increase horror.
How: Attempted something that fails (confronting the monster).
Hysteria: Power goes out in the basement party room. Panic ensues.
Horror Situation: Music stops, and lights go out in the party room.
Reaction – Escape: Everyone in party room runs for exits in the dark. A few are picked off by the monster.
Character Death 5: Mort is killed.
Why: Innocent killed to increase horror.
How: Surprised and bludgeoned.
Character Death 6: Froggie is killed.
Why: Monster is lashing out.
How: Escape attempt leads into monster, and he is bludgeoned.
Death returns to take one or more: Nad uses a fencing sword to ward off monster and accidentally kills another partygoer.
Horror Situation: Monster continues to cause hysteria.
Reaction – Fight: Nad grabs a fencing sword and attacks monster. In the process, he accidentally kills Sue Weal, Froggie’s steady date, and causes a bloody injury on the monster’s arm. The monster flees.
Character Death 7: Sue Weal.
Why: Nad made a bad decision to wield a sword.
How: Nad charged blindly into action.
Resolution: When brothers enter the basement coal room to confront the monster, they find only the seductress whose sister was raped. The costume the monster wore is on the floor and she is bleeding from the fencing sword wound. After noting the motivation for her attacks, the seductress attacks Blago and is bludgeoned by the group of brothers. As the lights come on in the party room, a girl is asking where her sister is.
Character Death 8: Blago.
Why: Blago’s bad moral decision released the monster.
How: Uses skeleton to skewer Blago.
Character Death 9: The monster.
Why: Set the world right again.
How: Bludgeoned by the remaining brothers.
Horror Situation: Monster’s sister comes looking for her.
Reaction – Sequel: A new need for vengeance.
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Bob’s Horror Situation Track.
What I learned doing this assignment is to utilize the prompts to create an abundance of horror situations.
Title: FRAT NIGHT
ACT 1 – SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established: Monster seduces fraternity brother for a rendezvous and bludgeons him to death.
Horror Situation: Fraternity brother is lured into a dangerous situation by monster using the guise of a seductress.
Reaction – Denial: Fraternity brother agrees to rendezvous with “monster” in the roof house at the fraternity.
Horror Situation: When the fraternity brother enters the roof house, he is attacked by the monster, bludgeoned, and thrown off the roof.
Connect with the characters: Brothers shown interacting and planning their big party of the year.
The characters are warned not to do it: Fraternity receives a call saying they should cancel all their parties or there could be consequences. Faculty advisor tells Social Chairman he should cancel the planned party given the mysterious death of the brother and subsequent phone call.
Denial of Horror: At weekly meeting, brothers vote to proceed with the party considering the death unrelated and the call a prank.
Safety taken away: While hanging party posters at a neighboring girls’ school, the social chairman is separated from the other brothers.
Horror Situation: The social chairman is isolated and lost in an unfamiliar dormitory. The lights go out.
Reaction – Panic: Paranoid and lost, the social chairman runs down a maze of corridors in the dark.
Monster – The nature of the beast: The social chairman is pursued by the monster and manages to survive.
Horror Situation: The social chairman is confused and frightened as he turns the corner.
Reaction – Denial: And runs into the other brothers who ridicule him.
ACT 2 – THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Monster confronts social chairman in chemistry lab for not cancelling party.
Horror Situation: The social chairman is alone in the chemistry lab after class. The monster attacks him from out of nowhere.
Reaction – Escape: The social chairman manages to evade the monster, running into the faculty advisor in the hallway.
One of us is killed: Faculty advisor is killed.
Horror Situation: Faculty advisor is alone in his office when the monster shows up.
Reaction – Fight: The monster kills the faculty advisor and leaves a party flyer on his body.
MIDPOINT – The monster is worse than we thought: Party night – the Monster seduces one of the brothers. While waiting for the seductress in a darkened room, he is met by the monster.
Terrorized: The monster bludgeons the brother to death.
Horror Situation: A girl at the party seduces a brother to meeting her in a basement room once used for coal storage.
Reaction – Denial: The brother perceives no danger.
Horror Situation: The brother is met by the monster. The monster bludgeons him to death.
ACT 3 – FULL OUT HORROR
Full pursuit by the killer: One by one, brothers are disappearing from the party.
Horror Situation: Brothers start to disappear from the party.
Reaction – Try to solve it: Several brothers, including the social chairman, try to determine where the brothers are going.
Fight to the death: Social chairman and rapist brother are nearly killed.
Horror Situation: Social chairman and rapist brother enter the coal storage room and find the monster killing another brother.
Reaction – Alarm: The somewhat tipsy brothers try to get a handle on what’s happening.
The thrilling escape from death: Social chairman hides in a coffin (present as part of a fraternity ritual) to escape death.
Horror Situation: The monster turns its attention on the two brothers.
Reaction – Hide: Brothers look for a place to hide. Social chairman hides in coffin.
Hysteria: Power goes out in the basement party room. Panic ensues.
Horror Situation: Music stops and lights go out in the party room.
Reaction – Escape: Everyone in party room runs for exits in the dark. A few are picked off by the monster.
Death returns to take one or more: Social chairman uses a fencing sword to ward off monster and accidentally kills another brother.
Horror Situation: Monster continues to kill brothers.
Reaction – Fight: Social chairman grabs a fencing sword and attacks monster. In the process, he accidentally kills one brother and causes a bloody injury on the monster’s arm. The monster flees.
Resolution: When brothers enter the basement coal room to confront the monster, they find only the seductress whose sister was raped. The costume the monster wore is on the floor and she is bleeding from the fencing sword wound. After noting the motivation for her attacks, the seductress attacks the rapist brother and is bludgeoned by the group of brothers. As the lights come on in the party room, a girl is asking where her sister is.
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Bob’s Horror Plot.
What I learned doing this assignment is to segregate the various tracks of the horror story in order to bring clarity to each of the key areas.
Title: FRAT NIGHT
ACT 1 – SET UP FOR HORROR
· Atmosphere of Evil established: Monster seduces fraternity brother for a rendezvous and bludgeons him to death.
· Connect with the characters: Brothers shown interacting and planning their big party of the year.
· The characters are warned not to do it: Fraternity receives a call saying they should cancel all their parties or there could be consequences. Faculty advisor tells Social Chairman he should cancel the planned party given the mysterious death of the brother and subsequent phone call.
· Denial of Horror: At weekly meeting, brothers vote to proceed with the party considering the death unrelated and the call a prank.
· Safety taken away: While hanging party posters at a neighboring girls’ school, the social chairman is separated from the other brothers.
· Monster – The nature of the beast: The social chairman is pursued by the monster and manages to survive.
ACT 2 – THE POINT OF NO RETURN
· Isolated /Trapped / Abducted: Monster confronts social chairman in chemistry lab for not cancelling party.
· One of us is killed: Faculty advisor is killed.
MIDPOINT – The monster is worse than we thought: Party night – the Monster seduces one of the brothers. While waiting for the seductress in a darkened room, he is met by the monster.
· Terrorized: The monster bludgeons the brother to death.
ACT 3 – FULL OUT HORROR
· Full pursuit by the killer: One by one, brothers are disappearing from the party.
· Fight to the death: Social chairman and rapist brother are nearly killed.
· The thrilling escape from death: Social chairman hides in a coffin (present as part of a fraternity ritual) to escape death.
· Hysteria: Power goes out in the basement party room. Panic ensues.
· Death returns to take one or more: Social chairman uses a fencing sword to ward off monster and accidentally kills another brother.
· Resolution: When brothers enter ritual room to confront monster, they find only the seductress whose sister was raped and the costume the monster wore. Seductress attacks the rapist brother and is bludgeoned by the group of brothers.
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Bob’s Characters for Horror
What I learned from this assignment is to create a group in a confined space to deal with the horror. The initial roster of characters is likely overpopulated and will be honed down in future lessons.
Concept
Part night at the Omega Chi Fraternity. The group to be terrorized are the brothers at the party. Among the party goers is Diane Lynch. Diane is beautiful, confident, sexual.
And she has a mission.
Her sister had been raped at a prior fraternity party and her mission is vengeance.
Using seduction as her weapon, she lures fraternity brothers to an isolated room where they meet their death at the hands of her alter-ego.
Dying Pattern
Six to eight brothers form the core of the group. They are killed off one by one.
Character Roles
LEADER: Caesar, fraternity president. Should have taken moral responsibility for the rape so is a fitting victim.
CARRIER: Blago, the rapist. He is the reason the villain enters the party.
MORAL ONE: Hawes – religious, virgin. He interacts with the villain but may be moral enough to survive.
RESCUER: Nad, pledge at his first party who investigates disappearances.
OUT OF CONTROL: Uncle Barf, alcoholic and pathetic figure.
INNOCENT: Mort, oblivious to seduction technique. Constantly changes the subject.
RED HERRING: Sue Weal, steady girl of brother Froggie. Born again Christian who learned about the rape and may be seeking justice.
LONER: Froggie, introvert attached to Sue Weal. Suspects his date may be the killer.
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Bob’s Terrifying Monster
What I learned from this assignment is that creating the monster is the first essential step in coming up with a terrifying horror movie and that the monster will likely change as we go through additional steps.
Terror
The monster is a woman whose sister was raped during a fraternity party. She is obsessed with avenging the violation of her sister and will not stop until the fraternity brothers are killed for their actions or indifference. The brothers are in the basement of a fraternity house for a party and there is plenty of intoxication. The monster isolates individual brothers by seducing them and planning to meet them for a sexual encounter. The combination of alcohol and hormones makes her irresistible.
Mystery
After a brother is seduced and waiting in a dark room for the seductress, he is instead met by the monster, a costumed and silent villain who bludgeons the brother to death. The brothers do not know who the costumed villain is or why the villain is pursuing them.
Fear Provoking Appearance
The monster appears as a grim reaper. The costume is typical of the garb worn by the brothers during their ritual meetings (leading to the possibility that the monster may be one of the brothers). Instead of carrying a scythe, the monster carries a fraternity paddle used to bludgeon the brother to death.
Rules
The monster conforms to the standard rules of being relentless, motivated, and calm. The monster’s mystery helps it survive the final confrontation. Specific rules include using seduction to entice a brother to his death. A brother who resists temptation may have an opportunity to survive.
Mythology
The villain became a monster because of the rape of her sister.
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Horror Assignment 1
1. I watched X.
2. Conventions:
Title: X
Terrorize: Troupe of actors and filmmakers shooting a pornographic video.
Isolation: Secluded farmhouse with rental guesthouse.
Death: Troupe members killed by knife, shotgun, pitchfork, and crocodile.
Villain: Pearl aided by her husband Howard.
High tension: Whenever someone rebuked Pearl’s advances there would be trouble.
Departure from reality: Old feeble couple killing youthful guests.
Moral statement: There is a longing for the past and acknowledgement that things don’t always work out as you’d expect.
3. Pearl is gruesome but at times sympathetic. The reveal at the end that Maxine is the daughter of the televangelist adds some complexity.
4. My project.
Title: Frat Night
Terrorize: Group of fraternity brothers.
Isolation: Basement of hundred plus year old mansion that serves as the fraternity house.
Death: Common fraternity pranks turn deadly.
Villain: Coed member of the fraternity whose sister was raped at a party a few years prior.
High Tension: Villain appears dressed in red robe and hood used in fraternity initiation rites at the time of each death.
Departure from reality: Benign activities lead to death.
Moral statement: The group cannot condone the behavior of its members and must live up to its moral responsibilities or cease to exist.
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Bob Onufer
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Bob Onufer
I have written seven screenplays and about a dozen spec teleplays.
Looking to be able to add the horror genre to my writing and create relatively low budget scripts in an effort to attract producers.
I spent three years commuting every week between LA and NY in a bicoastal marriage
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Bob’s Amazing Inciting Incident
Intriguing Concept: An apparently stellar Mossad agent goes rogue to avenge his parents’ murders at the hands of terrorists.
Act 1: Newly assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of Mossad, Daniel immediately contributes to the bureau’s mission.
Midpoint: Suppressed anger and PTSD start to inform Daniel’s decisions and we learn he is seeking to avenge his parents’ murders.
Lock In: In the course of his work in a Mossad operation, Daniel captures and tortures a terrorist to obtain information regarding his parents’ murders.
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Bob’s Big Picture Components
World: Dangerous world of Middle East espionage and religious fanaticism from all faiths.
Main Mystery: Will Daniel side with the religious fanatics to avenge his parents’ murders.
Impossible Goal: A Middle East free of the type of terror that killed his parents.
Main Conflict: Daniel versus the terrorists.
Second Mystery: Will Daniel succumb to the PTSD, suppressed anger, and guilt driving him to drugs, alcohol, and prostitutes.
Season 1 Arc: From using his position to track his parents’ murderer to learning he can’t do anything about it once he finds them.
Season 1 Protagonist Internal Journey: Daniel goes from depressed and frustrated through acting out on his anger to despair when he learns the mastermind of the plot that killed his parents is untouchable.
Pilot Conflict: A string of attacks in Tel Aviv brings Daniel into opposition with terrorists.
Characters introduced: Daniel Shay, Avi Tiber, Rabbi Azar, and Najeh Tamra.
Inciting Incident for Season 1: Murder of Daniel’s parents.
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Bob’s World and Characters
Title: Incinerator
Logline: A naïve EPA field inspector stumbles upon an underworld-owned waste incineration facility being used to dispose of bodies.
Big mystery: Who is ultimately behind the use of the incineration facility to dispose of bodies?
Big Intrigue: Is Joseph alone in his quest to solve the mystery. Are the police and his superiors all part of a coverup?
Big Suspense: Will Joseph be incinerated before he can expose the crimes being committed?
Intriguing World: Industrial waste management business subject to ongoing inspections for environmental compliance being used for criminal activity.
Characters
HERO: Joseph Green
· Mystery: How does he prove that the suspected criminal activity is occurring?
· Intrigue: Is he in over his head. He is just a scientist who reports on environmental issues, not murder.
· Suspense: Will he, himself, be incinerated because of what he’s discovered.
VILLIAN: Frank Starr
· Mystery: Why is he obsessed with eliminating Joseph Green.
· Intrigue: What deeper secrets is he hiding that are driving his actions regarding Joseph Green.
· Suspense: Will he be able to protect his secret operation and quietly eliminate Joseph Green.
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Bob’s Big M.I.S.
Title: Incinerator
Logline: A naïve EPA field inspector stumbles upon an underworld-owned waste incineration facility being used to dispose of bodies.
Unwitting and Resourceful Hero: Joseph Green naively believes his position with the EPA is his ticket to save the planet. Frustrated with unexciting assignments, he stumbles upon what he believes to be a criminal operation during an inspection of a waste incineration facility. Over time, he must gather evidence to convince his superiors and authorities that what he suspects is true while avoiding the mob who believe he has found something incriminating.
Dangerous Villain: Frank Starr, operator of the incineration facility who has the tacit cooperation of the police as long as he keeps paying his fees. Frank wants Joseph silenced at any cost.
High Stakes: Joseph’s life. Members of Joseph’s team’s lives. Joseph’s girlfriend’s life. Exposure of corruption.
Life and death situations: Body being burned in opening scene. Chase scene through industrial complex.
This story is thrilling because: Throughout the story we are worried about Joseph as he tries to stay ahead of Frank and gather evidence he can use to expose what is happening. Each time he turns to someone he believes is trustworthy, he is betrayed.
Big mystery: Who is ultimately behind the use of the incineration facility to dispose of bodies?
Big Intrigue: Is Joseph alone in his quest to solve the crime? Are the police and his superiors all part of a coverup?
Big Suspense: Will Joseph be silenced before he can expose the crimes being committed?
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The Lady Vanishes (1939) Thriller Conventions
I re-watched the 1939 Alfred Hitchcock version of The Lady Vanishes.
Unwitting but resourceful Hero: Iris Henderson befriends the MacGuffin, Miss Fhoy, is hit on the head just prior to boarding the train and becomes the only person who believes that Miss Fhoy existed after Miss Fhoy vanishes. Iris ultimately teams with Gilbert Redman to discover Miss Fhoy has been marked for murder to prevent her from bringing information to the British Foreign Office.
Dangerous Villain: Dr. Egon Hartz, head of the conspiracy on board the train. He befriends Iris and Gilbert. He first offers medical advice to convince Iris that Miss Fhoy didn’t exist. Once he understands Iris and Gilbert have discovered the plot, he pretends to help them locate Miss Fhoy. Throughout all of this, he is the one planning to kill Miss Fhoy and anyone who gets in his way.
High Stakes: Miss Fhoy’s life. Iris’ and Gilbert’s lives. Ultimately the lives of all passengers remaining on the train. Potential failure to get Miss Fhoy’s information to the British Foreign Office.
Life and death situations: Miss Fhoy’s disappearance. Apparent poisoning of Iris and Gilbert by Dr. Hartz. Final shootout with enemy soldiers.
This movie is thrilling because?: Constantly worried about Iris as she tries to convince others she is not suffering from being hit on the head and Miss Fhoy does exist. Each time she appears to be able to prove Miss Fhoy’s existence, there is a reversal that sets her back. As she makes headway into solving the mystery, her life becomes more endangered.
Big Mystery: Who is Miss Fhoy and why was she abducted?
Big Intrigue: The conspirators and innocent participants denying Miss Fhoy’s existence.
Big Suspense: Will Miss Fhoy be found and rescued or will the conspirators kill her, Iris, Gilbert and the others?
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Bob Onufer
Have written seven screenplays and about a dozen spec teleplays.
Looking to be able to add intrigue and other thriller aspects to all my writing.
Spent three years commuting every week between LA and NY in a bicoastal marriage
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Robert Onufer
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Bob’s Synopsis for Producer Interview
I typically write romantic comedy and am looking for someone to partner with as well.
Title: Old Friends
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Logline: After the death of his wife of forty years, Jonathan is directed to a web service called NewFriends.com where people are paired with others ostensibly for financial reasons. Jonathan ends up partnered with a woman he went to college with and had a crush on. Can their new arrangement withstand their history?
Synopsis: Jonathan and Ellen plan to spend their retired years enjoying each other in the next phase of their lives When Ellen passes away two days after Jonathan retires, all plans go awry. Unable to afford to live in his home without Ellen’s social security and pension, Jonathan turns to NewFriends.com to search for a roommate to help foot the bill so he doesn’t have to give up his home.
After several bad interviews, Jonathan is set up with Valerie, a potentially perfect roommate. Only Valerie is not a new friend, she is an old friend. Valerie and Jonathan went to the same college and hung out at the same parties. That wouldn’t be bad except Jonathan had a huge crush on Valerie that he never acted on because she was dating a good friend of his. After college they lost touch, and both married someone else. Now, forty years later they realize rooming with someone you knew seems like a better option than rooming with a total stranger.
Moving in together, they at first go out of the way to treat the relationship as totally platonic. As the past creeps in, the relationship starts to heat up until they inevitably sleep together which blows up their relationship. Stuck together financially, they need to heal their relationship and decide if this time around they should be a couple, or each find a new roommate.
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Bob’s Romantic- Comedy Writing SampleWhat I learned from this assignment was to not be afraid from pulling from somewhere else in a script or from a different script to present the best writing sample.My wring sample is the opening of my script, ‘Til Love Do Us Part, about a couple who divorce for financial benefits and have the mettle of their relationship tested when they both come face-to-face with temptation while on a second honeymoon in Greece.
FADE IN:
INT. CHAPEL — DAY
LEWIS and DOTTIE GAFFNEY, a couple in their mid-sixties stand in front of a JUSTICE OF THE PEACE.
Lewis cuts a striking figure in his pearl-gray tux with black piping. Hecould easily pass for a man fifteen years his younger. The woman at his side, his wife of thirty-two years, still makes a ravishing bride in her flowing white gown.
The chapel is crowded with GUESTS, most of them contemporaries of Lewis andDottie. Nearly all the guests are dressed in suits and evening gowns.
Seated in the front row are BARBARA and MICHAEL DAVIS. Barbara is Lewis’ and Dottie’s twenty-nine-year-old daughter. She has inherited her mother’s poiseand beauty. Michael, three years her elder, seems perfectly at home in his traditional black tuxedo. Six-year-old ASHLEY DAVIS holds her father’s hand.
Barbara bites on a nail, struggling to hold back tears. The service is very nearly over.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
By the power vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce you divorced. You may kiss the br- er, single woman.
Lewis leans in to kiss Dottie, their eyes lock for a moment. This is a couple very much in love. They kiss.
The wedding march chimes in and Lewis and Dottie walk backwards down the aisle.
<b align=”right”>CUT TO:
INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY
The room is lavish and tasteful. A six-piece band plays wedding music.
Lewis has been corralled by his best buddy since college, HARRY ROLLER.Harry is Lewis’ age. He is thin and wears a dark suit with an equally thin tie. He has been drinking and holds a beer in his hand.
Harry slaps Lewis on the back.
<b align=”center”>HARRY
I can’t believe you and Dottie actually did this. Terry would never go for it. She’d figure that once she cut the chain, I’d be gone for good.
LEWIS
Harry, Terry’s your third wife.
HARRY
True, but I really am attached to this one.
Lewis spots his daughter and son-in-law across the room.
LEWIS
There’s Barbara and Michael. I need to talk to him before he disappears. Have another drink, Harry. Enjoy yourself.
Harry raises his empty glass and nods a silent toast to Lewis, then heads toward the bar. Lewis makes his way across the room.
As he gets close to Barbara and Michael, his daughter takes his hand. She is holding back tears.
BARBARA
Oh, Daddy, I hope when Michael and I are your age, we’ll love each other enough to not need a piece of paper to prove it.
Michael puts his arm around his wife. She is still holding Lewis’ hand.
<b align=”center”>MICHAEL
By the way sir, I completed the calculations on what you and Mrs. Gaffney would net by being divorced.
Lewis looks from his daughter to his son-in-law, interested in what he has to say.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Between the social security payment from Mrs.Gaffney’s first marriage, the change in the distribution of assets, and the decrease in taxes, you’ll net about fifty thousand dollars a year.
LEWIS
Thank you, Michael. Not only are you a wonderful son-in-law but a damn fine accountant.
MICHAEL
That’s in addition to the $500,000 more you’ll get this year. I closed the sale of your house before the divorce and the purchase of the condo in Florida will close after the divorce. That way you and Mrs. Gaffney get the maximum tax benefit.
LEWIS
You were certainly right about the money we would make.
Michael hands Lewis a packet of airline tickets.
MICHAEL
I almost forgot, here are the first class airline tickets for your honeymoon trip to Greece. That will take a little bite out of the first year profit.
LEWIS
That’s okay. I haven’t been able to give Barbara’s Mom a real vacation since before she was born.
The band starts playing the Everly Brothers’ “Devoted to You” — a slow, romantic fifties song. It is the Gaffney’s wedding song. Dottie comes up beside her ex-husband.
DOTTIE
Are you talking about me again?
Lewis gives her a peck on the cheek.
LEWIS
Only good things.
DOTTIE
Dance with me, Lewis. They’re playing our song.
Lewis and Dottie hug their way across the dance floor. Other dancers make way and admire the couple.
INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY CLOSE ON — LEWISAND DOTTIE
Gazing into each others eyes, Lewis hums along with the band. After a beat he stops humming and looks around the room.
LEWIS
Seems like only yesterday. You, looking almost as gorgeous as you do today in a white gown. Me, with slightly more hair.
Dottie smiles, holds Lewis tightly. They continue to dance. Lewis hums for a moment.
LEWIS (CONT’D)
I’m going to give you everything you should havehad for the last thirty-two years.
DOTTIE
Lewis, there’s nothing I want –
LEWIS
No, I mean it. Travel, theater, the good life. I know it’s late but you’ll have it all. I swear.
Lewis raises Dottie’s face to his, looks in her eyes, and kisses her. She looks deeply at him.
They are interrupted by a tug on Lewis’ trousers. It is six year old Ashley.
ASHLEY
I wanna dance too.
Lewis picks up his only grandchild, tosses her into the air and brings her close to him.
LEWIS
Of course you can dance my little darling.
Lewis carries Ashley around the dance floor returning to the area near Dottieas the song comes to an end.
ASHLEY
Now that you and Nanna are di- divorced, are you still my grandpa?
LEWIS
I’m still your grandpa, baby. I’ll always be your grandpa.
ASHLEY
That’s good. Mommy was worried.
Ashley scampers off the dance floor to the arms of her mother.
Dottie looks at Lewis.
DOTTIE
Lewis, have we done the right thing?
INT. RECEPTION ROOM — LATER
The CROWD is thinner and far more disheveled than earlier. Most of theguests form a semi-circle around Lewis and Dottie who stand behind a seven-tier wedding cake. The top of the cake is crowned by a plastic bride andgroom.
Lewis and Dottie each have a hand on a cake spatula. The LEAD SINGER of theband encourages the crowd and the couple.
On the lead singer’s cue, Lewis and Dottie raise the spatula and bring it down to cut the cake.
INT. RECEPTION ROOM — CONTINUOUS
CLOSE ON — PLASTIC BRIDE AND GROOM
The spatula comes down and severs the bride and groom. Both plastic bodiestumble down the tiers along opposite sides of the cake.
<b align=”right”>BACK TO SCENE
Among the onlookers, Barbara gasps involuntarily, Michael smiles.
Dottie follows the descent of the plastic couple in horror. She grabs Lewis’ hand.
<b align=”right”>CUT TO:
EXT. ELLINIKON AIRPORT, ATHENS — NIGHT
An Olympic Airlines jet touches down on the runway.
As the plane touches down, we hear a voice with a Greek accent struggle witha small subset of the English language.
VOICE (V.O.)
Mr. and Mrs. Gaffney.
LEWIS (V.O.)
Yes. That’s us, although technically wemight not be considered Mr. and Mrs.
INT. ELLINIKON AIRPORT, ATHENS — NIGHT
A FAMILY with TWO SMALL CHILDREN creates minor chaos amidst a long lineheading through a customs inspection. As we move toward the front of theline, we come to Lewis and Dottie.
Lewis and Dottie are along side a small booth. In the booth, a pubescent CUSTOMS AGENT is barely able to see out the top. It is his voice that weheard as the plane landed. The agent smiles at Lewis and Dottie as heexamines their passports.
Lewis struggles as he tries to come up with an explanation about their marital status.
DOTTIE
What my husband means is that well… we’re not Mr.and Mrs. Gaffney… we’re divorced.
CUSTOMS AGENT
You are not together?
DOTTIE
No, no. We are very much together.
Dottie takes Lewis by the arm.
DOTTIE (CONT’D)
Our marriage goes much deeper than a mere piece of paper. Do you understand?
The customs agent looks blankly at them and then at the line building behind them.
The customs agent shakes his head. He stamps both passports and hands themback to Lewis. He points to the way out.
<b align=”center”>LEWIS
Thank you.
<b align=”center”>DOTTIE
Yes, thank you very much.
Lewis and Dottie take two steps away from the counter when they areconfronted by a second CUSTOMS AGENT.
This customs agent holds out his hands and stops their progress.
After they stop he places a rope in front of them and some other people coming through customs.
<b align=”center”>CUSTOMS AGENT TWO
Stop.
<b align=”center”>LEWIS
We explained to the gentleman in the booth that —
<b align=”center”>CUSTOMS AGENT TWO
Wait here.
The second customs agent moves away as a loud commotion starts up. A HALFDOZEN PLAIN CLOTHES SECURITY PEOPLE hold a small ARMY OF REPORTERS at bay. Light bulbs pop as THREE PHOTOGRAPHERS attempt to snap pictures of a well dressed businessman, ALEXANDER VYRON.Vyron is a combination of Aristotle Onassis and Ricardo Montalban.
Vyron’s party makes its way past customs without stopping for a check.
Lewis edges towards the second customs agent and tries to get his attention.Dottie tries to stop him.
LEWIS
Hey, you. Mr. Customs Agent. How come he doesn’thave to wait in line like everybody else?
CUSTOMS AGENT TWO
Who, Mr. Vyron?
LEWIS
Vyron. Is that his name?
CUSTOMS AGENT TWO
Yes, Alexander Vyron. He has been cleared in advance. He is very wealthy business man.
Dottie cranes to see Vyron through the crowd. She does.
Vyron is everything you’d expect a billionaire playboy to be. Tall, handsome,rugged yet refined. He could clearly be a descendant of those ancient Greeksthat ruled from the Acropolis. Dottie is infatuated, she stares a bit toolong.
Vyron turns his head and looks into the crowd of people. He sees Dottie,catches her eye, and holds it for a few timeless seconds.
Lewis’ voice breaks the spell cast over Dottie.
LEWIS
Rich and privileged. He should get in line just like everyone else.
The second customs agent is growing tired of Lewis.
CUSTOMS AGENT TWO
Listen, sir. When Alexander Vyron arrives in his personal jet, he is not to be treated like everyone else. Now if you will just wait your turn.
Dottie looks after Vyron who has turned the corner to the exit. Lewis follows Dottie’s gaze.
LEWIS
For god sake, Dottie, I don’t believe it.
EXT. GRAND BRETAGNE HOTEL — DAY
Establishing.
A Mitsubishi mini-van pulls up in front of this Athens landmark. Lewisand Dottie get out of the car, help with their luggage and hand the carkeys to a VALET.
INT. GRAND BRETAGNE HOTEL — DAY
The lobby is elegant. Lewis and Dottie wait on line for their turn to checkin. Behind them, across the lobby a restaurant and gift shop stand side byside. In front of the Winter Garden Restaurant, Dottie notices a BODYGUARD in a suit.
The bodyguard is one of the men who was present at the airport with Alexander Vyron. He is the size and shape of an ex- football lineman. You would expect him to be a strong silent presence.
Dottie catches a glimpse of Vyron as he eats in the restaurant.
Lewis completes the check-in process and turns to Dottie. He snaps her out ofher trance as he hands her a key to their room.
They walk towards a bank of elevators.
INT. HOTEL ROOM — DAY
Dottie sits on the edge of the bed in a small hotel room with very high ceilings.
The room contains a double bed, chair, dresser and television. A hallwayleads to the door to the lobby. Along the front of the hallway is a mirrored closet. Along the back is the bathroom.
The SOUND OF RUNNING WATER comes from the bathroom accompanied by Lewis’occasional humming.
<b align=”center”>DOTTIE
That is nice, don’t you think?
No answer.
Lewis.
DOTTIE (CONT’D)
Lewis’ head pops out of the wall in front of the bathroom. He has shaving cream on his face.
LEWIS
You say something, Dottie?
He ducks his head back in. The SOUND OF THE WATER stops.
DOTTIE
I was saying this hotel is nice. Elegant. Don’t you think?
Lewis pops his head out again. The shaving cream is gone and he is clean shaving.
<b align=”center”>LEWIS
Yeah, it’s nice.
Lewis pops his head back in the bathroom and starts the WATER RUNNING again.After a moment, noisy PLUMBING SOUNDS start to come from the bathroom.
The plumbing noise is joined by Lewis banging on the pipes. Dottie looks towards the noise.
LEWIS (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Could use better plumbing.
Dottie sits on the edge of the bed. She leans over and plays with thetelevision, attempting to find something to watch. Most of the stations arein Greek. One is in Spanish.
She shuts the television off.
DOTTIE
Lewis, you spending the night in there?
On cue, Lewis enters from the bathroom. He looks like the playboy from hell,dark glasses, wig, scarf tucked into silk robe, cigarette in hand.
He has a bottle of champagne in the other hand.
He pops the cork and pours two glasses of champagne. He brings themto Dottie. She takes a glass.
They take a sip. Lewis takes a drag on his cigarette.
DOTTIE (CONT’D)
Lewis, you look ridiculous in that getup.
Dottie fans the smoke.
DOTTIE (CONT’D)
And you don’t smoke anymore.
Lewis clinks glasses with Dottie.
LEWIS
To us, the richer and better Dottie and Lewis Gaffney.
Dottie barely takes another sip while Lewis downs his entire glass and pours himself another.
DOTTIE
Lewis, what are you doing?
LEWIS
I’m romancing you. Champagne, roses, Geritol.
DOTTIE
With a wig and costume?
Lewis downs the champagne, pours another glass.
LEWIS
Costume? It’s my new youthful look. You know, just because we’re in our sixties doesn’t mean we have to act like it.
Lewis comes to the bed and sits next to Dottie.
LEWIS (CONT’D)
You know men in their seventies can still become fathers.
Dottie gets up and puts distance between herself and Lewis.
DOTTIE
Yes, but not when they are behaving like children themselves.
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Bob’s Edited TV Pitch Bible
What I learned doing this assignment was to tighten the pitch bible and to modify it and the BW framework as needed throughout the process. The TV pitch bible will continue to undergo changes as it moves forward.
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Bob’s Episode Titles
What I learned doing this assignment is titles can be a large component in the overall marketability of the pitch bible.
Episode 1.1 All Spies Lie
Episode 1.2 Watching the Hen House
Episode 1.3 Never Forget
Episode 1.4 The Manchurian Terrorist
Episode 1.5 Sleeping with the Enemy
Episode 1.6 For God and Country
Episode 1.7 A Bridge Too Far
Episode 1.8 Betrayal
Episode 1.9 At What Cost, Vengeance
Episode 1.10 The Ninth Circle of Hell
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Bob presents non-stop intrigue.
My current pitch bible is overwritten in places and needs to be trimmed. I began by cutting out some fluff in the summary which spans the first season, but more cutting will be required to get the entire pitch bible down to the eight-page target. I began to read each sentence to determine if I could categorize it as meeting one of the ten ways to make it more intriguing. If not, I try to rewrite it within the ten ways or determine if it can be cut completely.
What I learned doing this assignment is that what you take out is often more important than what you put down in the first place.
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Bob’s Key Business Decisions
What I learned doing this assignment was that the budget can be influenced by choices made during the writing process.
Genre: Romantic-Comedy
Title: Eternal Flame
Concept: Married soulmates seeking to assure they meet each other in future lives begin a training process to direct their future incarnations. When they die in an accident before completing the process, the reincarnated man must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries someone else.
Audience: Adults 20 – 70
Budget: 5 – 15 million
Lead Characters: Jeffrey Ash, a reincarnated man who becomes aware that in his previous life he was married to Rebecca Diamond. Ken Rivers, Rebecca Diamond’s fiancée.
Journey/Character Arc: Jeffrey goes from obsessed with convincing Rebecca she is his soulmate to realizing he must surrender her because he loves her.
Opening: The tragic death of Jeffrey and Rebecca in their previous incarnation.
Ending: The reuniting of Jeffrey and Rebecca.
To make it more marketable: Budget can be held to the lower end depending on primary location (currently envisioned as New York City). Lead character descriptions can be rewritten to be more compelling.
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Bob’s Intrigue Patterns
What I learned doing this assignment is that there are many ways to write things in a pitch bible and it’s worth exploring multiple ways in order to find the most intriguing language.
As Written
Daniel Shay is not your typical intelligence agent. Orphaned at thirteen when his parents were shot down by terrorists during his Bar Mitzvah celebration in Jerusalem. Adopted by his uncle in Israel, Daniel vows to do whatever it takes to get revenge for his parents’ murders.
Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it can mean.
At thirteen, all Daniel wanted to do was make his parents proud of him as he started his haftorah portion at the Western Wall in Jerusalem… but that all changed in an instant when a terrorist sniper opened fire and gunned down the two people who meant the most to him.
Strong statement, question about something underhanded beneath the surface.
Daniel excelled in his elite IDF training becoming one of the top operatives ever to enter the Mossad. His bureau chief isn’t sure all that talent is going to be used to further the agency’s mission.
Questions that point to hidden agenda, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc.
Coming from the elite Talpion program, Daniel was ready to work in Mossad for the for the prevention of terrorism. How does a person who experienced the tragic death of his parents when he was thirteen put that aside when dealing with the very organizations that killed them?
Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done______.
Daniel has achieved a level of accomplishment reached by few who enter the Mossad. The other operatives are in awe of his abilities, but not Avi – the bureau chief who thinks Daniel’s motives do not align with the agency.
But maybe it is all wrong.
Daniel’s skills and pedigree would seem to make him an incredible Mossad agent, yet, since his arrival, an assortment of suspicious events have come to light.
A Pattern that leads to future consequences.
Daniel is an incredible Mossad operative preventing several terrorist attacks in his first month with the bureau. Is he that brilliant or is his information too good to have come from anyone but the very people he’s pledged to fight?
If he does _____, that means _____ intrigue _____.
Daniel started turning agents immediately upon being assigned to the bureau, that doesn’t mean he’s in bed with the terrorists, does it?
State the mystery.
How does a person who lost his parents to a terrorist sniper at thirteen keep it together and not do everything in his power to exact revenge?
Should be/could be _____ but it is even worse.
Daniel graduating top in his class from the elite IDF Talpion program would have been an accomplishment that made his parents proud, but his parents couldn’t be proud since they were killed by terrorist when he was thirteen. Some say, he entered the program to avenge their deaths.
Intense language.
Daniel came out of the elite IDF Talpion program and was an immediate success when preventing terrorism with the Mossad. But, having experienced the death of his parents at the hands of terrorists, is his drive to prevent terrorism or to avenge his parents’ murders?
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Bob’s TV Pitch Bible Investigation.
What I learned from this assignment was that the five tools are extremely useful in developing additional fodder for concept and stories. They can be used almost endlessly.
Tool 1: Dig: What’s beneath that?
What’s beneath Daniel’s initial quest for vengeance?
· Is Daniel’s uncle the driver for vengeance? (possible use in episode)
· Does his uncle have a pertinent backstory driving his own agenda? (possible use in episode)
· Did the uncle setup the parents? If so, why? (don’t use)
· Was his uncle a Talpion soldier? Did he get Daniel into the program? (possible use in episode)
What’s beneath Daniel’s relationship with his Rabbi/therapist?
· Is the Rabbi feeding his quest for vengeance? (use in episode)
· Is the Rabbi stringing him along on drugs? (use in episode)
· Is the Rabbi part of the Temple Mount movement? (use in Pitch Bible)
· Does the Rabbi know Christina? Did he hire her to manipulate Daniel? (use in Pitch Bible)
· Is the Rabbi otherwise involved with the Temple Mount movement (raising a red heifer, preparing ceremonial items for the new temple)? (use in episode)
· If Daniel gets a dog (support animal?) is it from the same location as where the red heifer is being bred? (use in episode)
What’s beneath Avi, the bureau chief?
· Was he rejected by Talpion so bears a grudge? (possible use in episode)
· Does he know Daniel’s uncle? (possible use in episode)
· Does he hate Daniel’s uncle? (possible use in episode)
· Is he politically driven? (possible use in episode)
· Was he forced to take Daniel as an agent? (possible use in episode)
Tool 2: Extrapolate: If _____, then _____.
If the Rabbi and Christina are conspiring against Daniel, then…
· Will Daniel find out? (use in episode)
· Will Avi find out when he blackmails Christina to spy on Daniel? Will that tip him off to the Temple Mount movement? (use in episode)
· Do Christina and the Rabbi know the identity of the murderer? (don’t use)
· Will the Rabbi make extra decisions about Daniel’s drugs that would make him more dependent on him? On Christina? (possible use in episode)
Tool 3: Wonder: What if _____?
· What if Daniel fakes his dependence on drugs? (use in episode)
· What if Christina’s ex-husband is a terrorist? (don’t use)
· What if Najeh really changes stripes and is truly a reformed terrorist? (don’t use)
Tool 4: Backtrack: How could _____ have happened?
· How could Christina and the Rabbi have met? (use in episode)
· How do Avi and Daniel’s uncle know each other? (possible use in episode)
· How could Najeh hide his identity and become a respected politician? Who helped? Did someone bury information? If so, internal or external? Other Talpion turned anti-Zion? For money? (use in episodes)
Tool 5: Forecast: How could this get any worse?
If Daniel moves forward with the Temple Mount movement, how will he be able to make it look like a terrorist attack? (use in episode)
Will Christina and the Rabbi do things that endanger Daniel’s life? (use in episode)
Will Avi find out and arrest Daniel? (use in episode)
Once Najeh finds out Daniel is investigating him, will he try to have Daniel killed? (use in episode)
The discovery that Daniel’s Rabbi and Christina are conspiring together is, I believe, a substantial improvement. It explains why Christina specifically seeks out Daniel as the Rabbi and Christina will have met because of their mutual involvement in the Temple Mount movement. It also allows the Temple Mount movement to subtly enter the story in season one. This is being added to the Pitch Bible.
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Bob’s Specialty – Romantic Comedy
What I learned doing this assignment is that the best chances for success are to focus on and excel at a single genre.
Movie 1 – When Harry Met Sally
Considered to be one of the best romantic comedies of all time, When Harry Met Sally hits all the notes. The romantic leads begin in conflict and spar throughout the movie as they complete their journey to fall in love. As with most high-quality rom coms, the dialogue is crisp and clever. The comic scenes have become classic and quotable. The movie has memorable cohorts (Jess and Marie) who, in addition to acting as advisors and sounding boards, help drive the movie and reflect the overall theme of a forever love. The movie has the ultimate breakup and fighting scenes before Harry has his epiphany and realizes he can’t live without Sally. This is followed by the rush to tell her he loves her in another classic speech. Of course, try as she will to hate him, she loves him too and they marry to become the closing bookend of the movie.
Movie 2 – The American President
Aaron Sorkin’s snappy dialogue drives another classic rom com. The love story between Sidney Ellen Wade and President Andrew Shepherd begins with a cute meet of adversaries and progresses through miscommunication and divergent agendas on this journey to love. Along the way, Shepherd has a staff of confidants including A.J. who wants the best for his old friend. There are external pressures from political opponents that require Shepherd to balance his relationship with Sidney and politics. Of course, he chooses politics, resulting in the breakup and fight scene. After she walks out on him, Shepherd has his epiphany and scraps the whole state of the union speech. Sidney, who has been listening in the car, returns for the happily ever after moment.
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Bob’s Credibility is Going Up
My overall credibility dates back about twenty years as I took a break from screenwriting to focus on a consulting career and send a few kids through college.
Writing Samples
I have a romantic comedy that received a recommend from coverage but was never optioned.
I have several dated teleplays that won or performed well in contests.
Screenwriting Contest Wins
American Film Institute Sloan Workshop Winner
Wisconsin Screenwriters’ Forum Winner (a contest no longer active)
Top ten finisher in Writer’s Digest Screenwriting Contest (3 times)
Google
Only one reference to a magazine article not related to screenwriting.
Network
None
Education
No certificates – courses taken at UCLA Extension and through ScreenwritingU.
Borrowed Credibility
None
IMDB Credits
None
Other
None
To increase credibility, I need to create a few more writing samples and revise my LinkedIn profile.
Thirty-day LinkedIn plan:
Revise profile by identifying as Screenwriter, add whatever little I have done in screenwriting to the page, and attempt to reconnect with fellow AFI workshop winners and UCLA Extension teachers who may still be active in Industry.
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Mod 2 Lesson 6 Assignment
Bob’s Show Summary
What I learned doing this assignment was to keep plowing forward. Changes keep coming with each lesson and will be reconciled later.
MOUNT MORIAH
One hour drama
Daniel Shay is not your typical intelligence agent (Expertise). Orphaned at thirteen when his parents were shot down my terrorists during his Bar Mitzvah celebration in Jerusalem (Empathy/Distress). Adopted by his uncle in Israel, Daniel vows to do whatever it takes to get revenge for his parents’ murders (Major Scheme Revealed).
Trained and educated by his uncle, Daniel is selected for the elite IDF Talpion program where he excels at mental and physical tasks (Expertise), all the while hiding his festering quest for vengeance. At the commencement of his IDF commitment, Daniel joins the Tel Aviv unit of Mossad (Intriguing World), ostensibly to track and prevent terrorism but secretly planning to use Mossad files to track his parents’ murderer (Secret Identity).
As he gets deeper into anti-terrorism efforts, the trauma from his childhood begins to resurface and he experiences more frequent bouts with depression and PTSD (Undeserved Misfortune). Seeing his Rabbi/therapist is insufficient, and Daniel turns to pills, alcohol, and prostitutes to cope with the depression and PTSD (Coping Mechanism). One of the “prostitutes” he picks up is Christina Wade, a fanatical member of the Temple Mount Society (Secret Identity). Christina’s goal is to manipulate Daniel into helping the society destroy the Dome of the Rock and fulfill Biblical prophesies to bring about the “End of Days.” (Major Scheme Revealed)
Daniel’s bureau chief, Avi, notices Daniel’s instability and has other officers tail him (External Character Conflict). After learning of Daniel’s liaison with Christine, Avi forces her to spy on Daniel for him (External Character Conflict/Twist). Daniel, feeling pressure to find the murderer while he is still functional, takes extra risks when trying to get information from the Mossad database. Almost being caught, Daniel incriminates a fellow officer to take the heat off of himself (Forced Decision They’d Never Make).
The sniper who actually took the shots that killed his parents, Najeh, has now reinvented himself and is a candidate for the Knesset (Twist). Daniel collects information on Najeh as part of his general intelligence but doesn’t connect him with his parents. Najeh wins his seat in the Knesset but shortly thereafter, he meets with terrorists to determine how to best use his position to aid them (Deception/Layer Uncovered).
Riddled with guilt at setting up a fellow officer and worried about being caught, Daniel redoubles his efforts. As he does so, he finds out that Christina is allegedly reporting his activities to Avi (Intrigue). He blows up on Christina in a burst of anger withheld for fifteen years (Shocking Event/Wound).
Daniel confronts Avi who reconciles with him and provides a tip that brings Daniel in touch with a terrorist cell with knowledge of the attack that killed his parents. Daniel separates one of the terrorists from the uncooperative group and tortures him to obtain information (Forced Decision They’d Never Make).
The information received through torture points Daniel at Najeh. Daniel brings this to Avi, who tells him that Najeh has reformed himself and members of the Knesset are untouchable. (Impossible Goal)
(Open Loops) Daniel knows who killed his parents but with Mossad deeming him untouchable, will Daniel ever be able to get revenge? If not, can he live with the anger and depression he’s been holding in? Will Daniel be able to live with the fact he resorted to torture and “behaved like one of them”? Will he be able to form a real relationship with Christina?
(Final Loop/Extreme Dramatic Question) How will Daniel exact revenge for his parents’ deaths. Will Daniel defy Mossad and help Christina with her efforts to bring about the “End of Days.”
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Bob’s Episode Descriptions
What I learned from doing this assignment is to keep moving forward – with a plan to revise and improve later.
Episode 1
Hook/Intrigue: A series of stabbing murders occur near Tel Aviv.
Main Character Journey: Daniel, newly assigned to the Mossad in Tel Aviv, is tasked to investigate, and prevent future attacks.
Major Challenge/Conflict: To stop the attacks, Daniel must penetrate the terrorist cell.
Action/Reaction: Daniel discovers attacks are coordinated through social media and uses his computer skills to set up the attack coordinator.
Cliffhanger: Daniel is using his same computer skills to hack into the Mossad computers.
Tel Aviv citizens are on edge after a series of stabbing deaths caused by a group of coordinated terrorists. Mossad agent Daniel Shay, fresh out of the IDF Talpion program, is tasked to determine how the attacks are coordinated and prevent future attacks. Daniel recognizes a coordinated attempt on social media and sets himself up as a decoy.
When he is attacked, he disables the assailant and interrogates him. He is commended by his bureau chief Avi, but shortly after Avi leaves, Daniel begins to hack into the Mossad computer system.
Episode 2
Hook/Intrigue: Mossad computers are being hacked.
Main Character Journey: Daniel has to hide his tracks to prevent being discovered as the hacker.
Major Challenge/Conflict: To not be caught, Daniel must plant suspicion on another agent.
Action/Reaction: Daniel incriminates another agent and when that agent is arrested, Daniel goes off drinking and is solicited by a supposed prostitute, Christina.
Cliffhanger: Daniel goes off with Christina as he is being watched by several Mossad agents.
Avi discovers that the agency computers have been hacked. Daniel is assigned to track the hacker. To avoid being exposed as the hacker, Daniel sets up another agent, who is then arrested.
Having the other agent arrested sends Daniel off on a depressive episode. He goes to a bar and gets drunk. Christina Wade, member of the Temple Mount group, solicits him and he leaves with her. As he does, he is under surveillance of two Mossad agents.
Episode 3
Hook/Intrigue: Daniel witnesses his parents’ murders during his Bar Mitzvah.
Main Character Journey: A 13-year-old Daniel is terrified when his parents are murdered and determines he will suppress his feelings in order to seek revenge in the future.
Major Challenge/Conflict: Daniel must deal with the murder of his parents.
Action/Reaction: Daniel witnesses the death of his parents and placed in his uncle’s home where he must decide his path forward.
Cliffhanger: Daniel decides he will search for and kill the people who murdered his parents.
In flashback, Daniel witnesses his parents’ murders while celebrating his Bar Mitzvah at the Western Wall in Jerusalem. After the funeral he is placed in his uncle’s home in Israel where he must learn to cope with the events.
Angry, depressed, and unable to form relationships, Daniel decides to apply to the elite IDF program and get himself into a position where he can get revenge for his parents’ murders. An obsession he swears on his parents’ graves he will accomplish.
Episode 4
Hook/Intrigue: Najeh Tamra, the sniper who shot his parents is running for an office in the Knesset.
Main Character Journey: Daniel must deal with his guilt and depression to continue to track his parents’ murderer.
Major Challenge/Conflict: Daniel struggles with internal demons while Avi continues to have him tailed .
Action/Reaction: Daniel watches Najeh campaign but does not recognize him; Najeh wins his seat.
Cliffhanger: Najeh meets with another terrorist and passes on information.
Daniel is still guilty from having another agent arrested and visits with his uncle where he reinforces his commitment to vengeance. In the meantime, the sniper who killed his parents is running for the Knesset. Daniel watches Najeh campaign from a distance, not recognizing him as the killer.
Najeh wins his Knesset seat. A short time later, Najeh meets with another terrorist to plot how his position can be used to provide information and resources to the terrorist group.
Episode 5
Hook/Intrigue: Avi engages Christina to spy on Daniel.
Main Character Journey: Daniel has become less stable and must deal with his demons to remain in a position to seek revenge.
Major Challenge/Conflict: Daniel must avoid giving Avi a reason to suspect him of hacking the Mossad computers.
Action/Reaction: Avi threatens Christina and tells her to spy on Daniel. Christina entertains Daniel again.
Cliffhanger: Christina meets with Avi to report.
Avi determines that Daniel may be a liability. He has Christina brought to him and threatens her unless she spies on Daniel. Christina, who has her own agenda for Daniel, agrees to spy. Christina meets Daniel again and he goes off with her, unaware that she is more than a prostitute.
Episode 6
Hook/Intrigue: Terrorist plan to blow up a restaurant in Tel Aviv.
Main Character Journey: Daniel has to refocus and get back on track.
Major Challenge/Conflict: To prove his value, Daniel must redouble his effort to effectively prevent terrorism.
Action/Reaction: Daniel is able to identify and prevent the terrorist attack.
Cliffhanger: Daniel learns some information that might advance his revenge goal.
Chatter indicates that a major terrorist attack might be coming. Daniel must refocus in order to prove his worth to the agency and remove any suspicion from him. He cleans up, dumps Christina, and is instrumental in stopping the attack.
In order to stop the attack, Daniel received some data that may lead to information on his parents’ murderer. He agrees to a secret meeting.
Episode 7
Hook/Intrigue: Christina returns with a new plan for Daniel.
Main Character Journey: Daniel goes from enthused to possibly learn about his parents’ killers to frustrated when his meeting doesn’t pan out.
Major Challenge/Conflict: Daniel must decide whether or not to let Christina back into his life.
Action/Reaction: Christina tells Daniel she has another plan that will avenge his parents’ murders.
Cliffhanger: Daniel meets with Christina superior and discusses the plan to destroy the Dome of the Rock.
Daniel’s meeting with terrorists doesn’t provide solid information. Christina comes back into his life confessing she was not a prostitute but only wanted to get close to him. She tells him she has a plan that will avenge more than just his parents’ murders.
Daniel goes with Christina to meet her superiors and learns about the plot to destroy the Dome of the Rock.
Episode 8
Hook/Intrigue: Daniel discovers Avi hired Christina to spy on him.
Main Character Journey: Daniel goes from trusting Christina to anger and confrontation.
Major Challenge/Conflict: Daniel must decide whether or not to trust Christina.
Action/Reaction: Daniel discovers Avi hired Christina to spy on him. He reacts violently with Christina.
Cliffhanger: Daniel heads in to confront Avi.
After meeting with the Temple Mount foundation, Daniel discovers that Christina was hired by Avi to spy on him. Daniel snaps and has a violent episode with Christina. Christina swears she did not tell Avi anything and that she met Daniel before Avi came to her. Daniel heads off to confront Avi.
Episode 9
Hook/Intrigue: New information leading to Daniel’s parents’ murderer surfaces.
Main Character Journey: Daniel takes out his anger on Avi and then learns that new information has surfaced that may lead to his parents’ murderer.
Major Challenge/Conflict: To obtain concrete evidence on his parents’ murderer.
Action/Reaction: Daniel learns new information that leads him to a terrorist with useful information. Daniel isolates the terrorist for interrogation.
Cliffhanger: Daniel struggles with whether or not he will torture the captured terrorist to obtain the information he wants.
Daniel confronts Avi regarding being spied on. Avi admits spying on him and they reconcile their differences for now. Daniel learns that there may be new information on his parents’ murderer, and he follows the lead to a terrorist location. There he captures and isolates a terrorist, but in order to get the information he wants, Daniel may have to resort to torture.
Episode 10
Hook/Intrigue: Daniel learns his parents’ murderer is untouchable.
Main Character Journey: Daniel finally learns the identity of his parents’ murderer, but the thought of revenge is short-lived when it turns out the murderer is a member of the Knesset.
Major Challenge/Conflict: Daniel must verify the identity of his parents’ murderer.
Action/Reaction: Daniel discovers the name of his parents’ murderer but reacts in anger when it appears vengeance is out of reach.
Cliffhanger: Daniel confronts Najeh who arrogantly dismisses him.
Daniel’s confrontation with the captured terrorist leads him to discover the name of his parents’ murderer. It is Najeh, now a member of the Knesset. Daniel brings this to Avi but is told Najeh is untouchable due to politics. Daniel confides in Christina who again pushes her agenda.
Ignoring Christina for now, Daniel goes to confront Najeh with the thought of killing him anyway. Daniel doesn’t kill him and Najeh arrogantly rebuffs Daniel.
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Bob’s Episode List Rough Draft
What I learned from doing this assignment is that this will be a multistep process of brainstorming and updating.
Beginning: Intro into the world of mid-east espionage and a particular terrorist problem impacting Israel. Newly assigned intelligence agent Daniel Shay demonstrates his prowess and ability combating the unique threat.
Ending: Daniel has used his position and contacts to try to learn who planned the attack that murdered his parents. As the final domino falls into place, he learns the man he is after is now a member of the Israeli Knesset and is untouchable.
Mystery 1 Setup: Daniel is in search for the terrorist leader who planned the attack that killed his parents. He delayed his thirst for vengeance while he worked for the last fifteen years to get into a position where he can learn the identity of the terrorist leader. He is being told by others (his bureau superiors, Rabbi/therapist) to get over it and move on.
Mystery 1 Solved: Daniel abuses his position (perhaps by torturing captured terrorists, perhaps by breaking into classified files) to find out who planned the attack that killed his parents. It turns out to be a man who has since reinvented himself and is now a successful politician and part of the Israeli Knesset.
Mystery 2: How did Najeh Tamra get into the Knesset, and has he changed his stripes?
Mystery 3: Who is Christina Wade, and why did she latch on to Daniel?
Mystery 4: How is Daniel dealing with the underlying anger, guilt, and PTSD caused by witnessing his parents’ murders when he was thirteen?
Daniel Beginning: A highly competent by-the-book intelligence agent.
Daniel Ending: A rogue agent who is out to seek personal vengeance who is frustrated when the man he is seeking appears to be untouchable.
Layers
· Layer: By-the-book intelligence agent turns out to be working for a personal agenda.
· Layer: Daniel is seeing a Rabbi/therapist and is secretly on anti-depressants.
· Layer: Daniel suffers from PTSD and occasionally has violent episodes.
· Layer: Daniel’s grandfather (who raised him after his parents’ deaths) feeds his vengeance.
· Layer: Daniel cannot form a real relationship and engages prostitutes in secret.
· Layer: Christina Wade introduces herself to Daniel as a sex worker but has an underlying agenda.
· Layer: Christina Wade is suffering from her own self-esteem issues and needs to be successful with Daniel to prove her worth.
· Layer: Avi, Daniel’s bureau chief, is under pressure to stop the latest terrorist incursion.
· Layer: Avi is insecure about his position and believes Daniel may surpass him.
· Layer: Avi seeks information about Daniel that he can use to keep him down (e.g., drug use, prostitutes, alcohol).
· Layer: Najeh Tamra is still a terrorist and is using his position to funnel information and money to foreign governments and bad actors.
· Layer: Avi believes Christina is working for him.
Episode 1: Bagels & Lox – Daniel is assigned to the Tel Aviv bureau of Mossad. He demonstrates his prowess countering a dangerous terrorist threat.
· Daniel meets with his Rabbi/therapist before reporting to his new assignment.
· Avi, the bureau chief, meets Daniel.
· Daniel was assigned over Avi’s objection (Avi knows about Daniel’s background).
· Daniel experiences initial success dealing with a rash of murders outside Tel Aviv.
· Daniel uses his IDF skills to hack into the Mossad computer, but Avi can see the system has been hacked.
Episode 2: Hacker – Avis tries to obtain dirt on Daniel in order to keep him in line.
· Avi assigns Daniel the task of determining who the hacker is due to his background in the IDF Talpion program.
· Daniel tries to mask his hacking activities.
· Avi becomes suspicious and assigns a tail to Daniel.
· The tails report back to Avi that Daniel went to a hotel bar where he got drunk and picked up a hooker.
· Najeh Tamra is giving a speach on the television screen.
· Christina Wade is at the prostitute.
Episode 3: Representative Najeh – Najeh Tamra wins a seat in the Knesset.
· Daniel has a PTSD event and meets with his Rabbi/therapist.
· Najeh Tamra holds a rally in Tel Aviv for his Knesset campaign.
· Daniel visits his grandfather to regroup.
· Najeh Tamra wins his Knesset seat.
Episode 4: Bar Mitzvah – Fifteen years ago, Daniel’s parents are murdered. He goes to live with his grandparents who instill revenge in him.
· Avi is reviewing Daniel’s history on the computer.
· In flashback, Daniel, 13, prepares to celebrate his Bar Mitzvah at the Western Wall in Jerusalem
· A younger Najeh Tamra (about 32), with sniper rifle, positions himself across from the Western Wall.
· Daniel’s parents walk with him as part of the celebration.
· Shots ring out and Daniel’s parents are among the people hit.
· After the funeral in the States, Daniel’s grandparents take him back with them to a rural area of Israel.
· Daniel is morose and can’t make connections. His grandparents get a dog to help him heal.
· Daniel excels in school and enters the IDF elite program.
· Avi shuts down the computer.
Episode 5: Duplicity – Avi hires Christina to solicit Daniel.
· Daniel has another PTSD episode.
· Avi concludes that Daniel is a liability.
· Avi meets with Christina Wade threatens to arrest her for prostitution, and engages her to continue to sleep with Daniel and report back to him.
· Christina solicits Daniel and he goes off with her again.
Episode 6: Redemption – Daniel thwarts another terrorist plot.
· Christina avoids reporting on Daniel to Avi, she has her own agenda.
· Daniel meets with his Rabbi/therapist.
· Daniel dumps Christina.
· Daniel refocuses on his Mossad tasks.
· Daniel is instrumental in stopping a terrorist attack.
Episode 7: Manipulation – Christina begins to plant ideas in Daniel’s mind.
· Christina resurfaces in Daniel’s life with a dog just like he had when he was 13.
· Daniel confers with his Rabbi/therapist and then takes Christina back.
· Christina brings Daniel to meet her superior in the Temple Mount project.
· Najeh Tamra pushes his agenda in the Knesset and on social media. The agenda includes his ideas for the future of the Temple Mount.
Episode 8: Confrontation – Daniel confronts Avi.
· Daniel learns that Avi hired Christina to spy on him and has an explosive reaction.
· Christina denies reporting anything to Avi.
· Daniel confronts Avi, and Avi agrees to stop spying on him.
· Daniel focuses on finding the person who killed his parents.
Episode 9: Nothing Personal – Daniel abuses captured terrorist.
· Daniel’s research leads him to a cell which may have been involved with the attack that killed his parents.
· Avi tells Daniel this cell is not to be his focus.
· Daniel goes undercover and penetrates the cell.
· Daniel identifies a terrorist who may have knowledge and isolates him in a deserted area.
· Daniel breaks protocol and tortures the captured terrorist.
Episode 10: Untouchable – Daniel learns the identity of his parents’ murderer.
· Information obtained from torturing the terrorist leads Daniel in the right direction.
· Avi finds out about the torture and suspends Daniel.
· Daniel meets with his Rabbi/therapist.
· Daniel confides in Christina.
· Daniel ignores Avi and follows the lead presented by the tortured terrorist.
· Daniel learns the perpetrator was Najeh Tamra.
· Avi tells Daniel that Najeh is untouchable.
Daniel’s dilemma: How will he avenge his parents’ murders when the man responsible is protected.
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Bob’s Five Seasons
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Title: Mount Moriah
Season 1: Seek and ye shall find.
A. High Concept or Hook of the season: Finding the terrorist leader who plotted a specific terrorist attack fifteen years before the present time.
B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From newly assigned agent in the Jerusalem bureau to a rogue actor who discovers the name of the terrorist he is seeking.
C. Main conflict: Dealing with terrorists and informants to track down the terrorist he is seeking. Christina Wade, a fanatical Christian with a Temple Mount group latches onto Daniel and begins to plant seeds regarding destroying the Dome of the Rock.
D. Mystery/Open Loops: Why is Daniel seeking out the specific terrorist? Will his personal agenda cause him to lose credibility and possibly his position in the intelligence community? How will he handle Christina?
E. Cliffhanger: Daniel discovers the name of the terrorist he is seeking only to find out he is now an elected official in the Israeli Knesset and can’t be touched.
How does a child deal with seeing his parents murdered in front of him – at a celebration honoring him no less?
After witnessing his parents’ murders while celebrating his Bar Mitzvah at the Western Wall in Jerusalem, Daniel channels his anger and guilt into an obsession to obtain the skills and position that would allow him the best chance at finding the perpetrators and exacting revenge. While working under the watchful eye of his bureau chief, Daniel disregards policy, takes unnecessary risks, and makes deals with the devil to obtain the information he needs. Of course, Daniel has no regard for his own safety being driven by the thirst for vengeance.
Season 2: Render onto Caesar.
A. High Concept or Hook of the season: How will Daniel be able to exact revenge against Najeh, an untouchable opponent.
B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From frustration to devastation when his actions to discredit the Najeh leads to the death of an old friend.
C. Main conflict: Seeking the aid of classmates from the elite IDF program he graduated from including Rina, a woman he casually slept with. His actions also bring him into conflict with his superiors in the agency, politicians, and especially with Christina.
D. Mystery/Open Loops: What is the backstory of his relationship with Rina and how will it resolve itself? How will this impact his relationship with Christina? Will Najeh take violent action against him? Will he be able to control his anger and guilt over his parents’ murders?
E. Cliffhanger: Rina discovers some evidence that will discredit the terrorist turned politician but is killed before she can deliver it to Daniel.
How do you deal with an untouchable enemy?
After learning that the person who plotted the attack that killed his parents is now a respected politician, Daniel must now figure out a way to discredit him. Daniel seeks the assistance of classmates from the elite IDF program he graduated from to get information that may discredit the terrorist turned politician. Amongst those he seeks out is a former lover who was hurt by Daniel because of his inability to form attachments in the wake of his parents’ murders. Despite the baggage between them, his former lover unearths evidence that could discredit the terrorist turned politician, but she is killed before she can deliver it to Daniel.
Season 3: An Eye for and Eye.
A. High Concept or Hook of the season: Daniel is completely obsessed with revenge on the terrorist turned politician since he is believed to be responsible for his lover’s murder.
B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: Daniel goes from deeply depressed over his lover’s murder to blindly obsessed and when he finally confronts the terrorist turned politician, he kills him.
C. Main conflict: Dealing with the bureau chief as he seeks out ways to get to Najeh. Christina Wade steps up her rhetoric regarding destroying the Dome of the Rock as a way to get vengeance on Najeh and all the terrorists.
D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will Daniel be able to confront Najeh? Will Daniel’s internal demons be too much to handle? How will he deal with the increased pressure from Christina?
E. Cliffhanger: Daniel confronts Najeh, kills him, and is arrested.
When is a time for a person to take action regardless of the personal outcome?
That’s what is facing Daniel in the aftermath of his former lover being killed when helping obtain evidence against the terrorist who plotted the attack that killed his parents. Disregarding all protocol, Daniel goes after Najeh and when he is finally able to confront him, he kills Najeh with his bare hands. Feeling good about the vengeance, Daniel is taken into custody.
Season 4: Bring you a red heifer without defect.
A. High Concept or Hook of the season: Daniel and Christina set a plan in motion to destroy the Dome of the Rock.
B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: Daniel is released from confinement and suspended from the bureau. He works with his Rabbi/therapist to come to terms with the deaths surrounding his life.
C. Main conflict: Dealing with the internal demons brought about by his parents’ and Rina’s deaths. Christina pushes Daniel more and more towards destroying the Dome of the Rock as only then will there be a chance for lasting peace and the end of actions that killed people he loved and forced him to kill.
D. Mystery/Open Loops: Can Daniel deal with his demons? Will he do as Christina asks? Will the bureau (that is now monitoring him) find out what he plans to do?
E. Cliffhanger: Daniel decides Christina is right and a Third Temple needs to be established. He and Christina visit a farm where a red heifer has been raised as the needed sacrifice for the creation of a Third Temple.
Is there a way to make the world a better place?
After being released from confinement and suspended from the bureau, Daniel must consult with his Rabbi/therapist to deal with his inner demons. At the same time, Christina is pushing her agenda that the only path to lasting peace is the destruction of the Dome of the Rock and construction of a new Temple. While reluctant at first, Daniel becomes convinced, and he and Christina begin the steps required to fulfill the biblical prophesies.
Season 5: Build him a house in Jerusalem.
A. High Concept or Hook of the season: Christina prepares the ritual requirements for a new Temple while Daniel plots to destroy the Dome of the Rock and blame it on the terrorists.
B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: Daniel starts convinced he is doing the right thing for ultimate peace, but as the planning for the destruction progresses, he starts to second guess his commitment.
C. Main conflict: He must hide his activities from the bureau and deal with terrorists as a disgruntled former agent in order to set them up for the blame. Daniel and Christina fight over the pending destruction they plan.
D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will the bureau catch on to Daniel and Christina? Will the terrorists double cross them? Will Daniel go through with the plan?
E. Cliffhanger: Explosives are in place and Daniel’s finger is on the trigger as Christina watches on.
Can anything bring about world harmony?
This is the question Daniel keeps trying to answer as he moves forward with a plan to destroy the Dome of the Rock. Urged on by Christina, Daniel must plan the attack, avoid being caught by the bureau and deal with enemy agents who might double cross him at any time. As if that isn’t enough, Daniel begins to envision what his deceased parents would have wanted for him and becomes less convinced he’s doing the right thing.
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Bob’s Character Descriptions
What I learned doing this assignment is that each character needs to be the hero of his own story.
Daniel Shay
Role in Show: Main protagonist, Mossad agent
Noteworthy Traits: High IQ, graduate of elite IDF training program, Krav Maga expert
Intriguing History: Daniel was thirteen and celebrating his Bar Mitzvah at the Western Wall in Jerusalem when his parents were murdered in a terrorist attack
Intrigue? Mystery? For all appearances, Daniel is a stellar agent. However, he has suppressed his anger and guilt over his parents’ murders while obtaining elite skills and positioning himself where he can ultimately avenge their deaths.
How do they support or drive the conflict with others: Daniel has direct and physical conflict with terrorists, his agenda and methods cause conflict with his superiors, his inability to love and form attachments after the murder of his parents causes conflicts with the women he encounters. His abandonment of a belief in God causes conflicts with his grandparents and rabbi/therapist.
Irony – Opposites or paradoxes that exist with the character: Daniel is outwardly working toward peace wherein his ultimate goal is violence against those who killed his parents. He is outwardly in control of himself but battles demons within himself.
Opposing agendas/etc. that naturally cause conflict with other characters: On the surface Daniel opposes terrorists who are trying to inflict physical harm. Daniel comes into conflict with his superiors over agendas/methods.
Unpredictable?: Daniel’s underlying anger, guilt, and PTSD can cause him to have violent outbursts or other episodic issues.
Intriguing relationship with one or more characters: Daniel first engages with Christina Wade when she appears as a sex worker to gain access to him. This relationship develops as she attempts to manipulate him to assist her with the Temple restoration agenda. There is sex, betrayal, mistrust, and perhaps ultimately a hint of love.
START: An orphaned American ex-patriot becomes an elite Mossad agent after his parents are murdered by terrorists. His hidden agenda – to avenge his parents’ murders.
MIDDLE: Thwarts terrorist plots. Willing to take risks with terrorists to learn more about his parents’ murderers. Learns plotters of his parents’ murders are now politically connected. Befriends woman who wishes to destroy the Dome of the Rock as part of an “End of Days” agenda. Becomes more unstable and takes more risks. Will he be shut down by his superiors?
END: Plots the destruction of the Dome of the Rock but will he go through with it?
An American boy is orphaned at thirteen when his parents are murdered by terrorists during his Bar Mitzvah celebration at the Western Wall in Jerusalem. Racked with anger and guilt, he goes to live with his grandparents in Israel. Obsessed with the need to avenge his parents’ murders, he enters a select IDF training program and becomes an elite Mossad agent. He is brilliant, physically capable, and amongst the best in the agency. No one besides his rabbi/therapist knows, however, that his goal is vengeance.
When he learns that the leader of the terrorist attack that killed his parents is now a member of the Israeli Knesset, his agenda is stalled due to politics. Assuming the terrorist hasn’t changed his stripes, he takes risk to expose the former terrorist as a double agent and simultaneously plots with a group seeking to destroy the Dome of the Rock in order to avenge his parents’ murders by bringing down everything the terrorists hope to accomplish.
Alternate Draft
DANIEL
Brilliant, skilled in martial arts, trained in espionage, Daniel suffers from the trauma of having his parents murdered in front of him during a terrorist attack in Jerusalem when he was thirteen. Obsessed with discovering the planners of the attack that killed his parents, Daniel channels his anger into becoming the best intelligence agent in Israel and getting himself in a position to search for the perpetrators.
Now that he positioned himself, Daniel’s delayed anger, guilt, and PTSD have come to the surface. While he tries to hide these feelings and events, they make it harder for him to have healthy relationships and impact his day-to-day life. His isolation, even when with people, and abandonment of God and any good in people, make him receptive to plans that others may seem as extreme.
Christina Wade
Role in Show: Religious fanatic who tries to manipulate Daniel to assist with her agenda
Noteworthy Traits: Religious zealot, sensual, low self-esteem
Intriguing History: Abandoned by her husband when she “found religion.”
Intrigue? Mystery? Does she really believe in the fanaticism she professes or is she using it to make herself feel useful, needed, valulable?
How do they support or drive the conflict with others: Christina connects with Daniel sexually in an attempt to manipulate him to help her destroy the Dome of the Rock. She drives his actions and uses his trauma to influence his behavior.
Irony – Opposites or paradoxes that exist with the character: While a self-professed Christian, she will break any commandment to forward her agenda, including murder.
Opposing agendas/etc. that naturally cause conflict with other characters: Her relationship with Daniel causes conflicts with his superiors and other women in Daniel’s life.
Unpredictable?: Will her relationship with Daniel cause her to change her views.
Intriguing relationship with one or more characters: She comes to Daniel as a sex worker to gain access to him. This relationship develops as she attempts to manipulate him to assist her with the Temple restoration agenda. There is sex, betrayal, mistrust, and perhaps ultimately a hint of love.
START: A religious fanatic who was abandoned by her spouse and is bent on the destruction of the Dome of the Rock attempts to manipulate a Mossad agent to secure his assistance.
MIDDLE: Willing to use sex and other methods to manipulate Daniel. Will Daniel be swayed? Will this make her feel good about herself and alter the feelings she had when her husband abandoned her?
END: Believes she has Daniel convinced to destroy the Dome of the Rock but as her feelings for him develop, she is not sure this is the best thing for him?
An American woman with low self-esteem desperately wants to feel good about herself and be valued. When she embraces religion and joins a group that believes the Jewish Temple must be rebuilt on the site of the Dome of the Rock in order to fulfill Biblical prophesies, she is abandoned by her husband.
Tasked by her religious group to assist with the process of fulfillment of the prophesies, she goes to Israel and gets close to Daniel to move the group’s agenda along.
Alternate Draft
CHRISTINA
Christina comes from a home where women were not considered as important as men and her low self-esteem and need to see her worth through men are the result of this upbringing. Being married to an older-father figure didn’t alleviate these issues. For a reason that is initially mysterious, she is drawn to a cultish-type religious group advocating the restoration of the Jewish Temple on the site currently occupied by the Dome of the Rock. When she joins the group, she experiences further abandonment when her husband leaves her.
When the group asks Christina to take a more active role, she goes to Israel where she meets Daniel and begins a relationship with him. At first, the relationship is based on the need to use each other. Remarkably, Christina may be helping Daniel deal with his underlying problems and she may be falling in love with him.
Najeh Tamra
Role in Show: Main antagonist, terrorist responsible for Daniel’s parents’ murders, now a respected politician
Noteworthy Traits: Good at double speak, religious, discreet, charismatic
Intriguing History: Plotted the attack that killed Daniel’s parents, entered politics later as a way to secretly assist the terrorist movement
Intrigue? Mystery? Najeh went under a different name when planning terrorists’ attacks. His history is cloudy and, in part, recreated to support his political career.
How do they support or drive the conflict with others: He is a double agent providing information to the same terrorists groups he had been affiliated with. He will directly face off against Daniel once Daniel finds out he is a double agent.
Irony – Opposites or paradoxes that exist with the character: Najeh is a terrorist pretending to be a peace advocate.
Opposing agendas/etc. that naturally cause conflict with other characters: His politics conflict with other views.
Unpredictable?: When threatened he can react violently.
Intriguing relationship with one or more characters: He has a relationship with Daniel’s superiors through his political connections.
START: A former terrorist establishes himself as a respectable politician and wins a seat in the Israeli Knesset. His purpose though is to funnel information and money to further the terrorist agenda.
MIDDLE: Takes risks to provide information to terrorist. Is confronted by Daniel but his cover is not blown. Will he be discovered for what he is?
END: Is setup by Daniel to take the fall for the destruction of the Dome of the Rock?
Terrorist as a young man who plots an attack that kills Daniel’s parents. At an older age, his identity is changed and he becomes a political player in Israel. Still true to the cause, he uses his position to provide information and money to the terrorist camps.
He is suspected of covert activities by Daniel without sufficient evidence to support an accusation. He spars with Daniel and is eventually set up to be the fall guy of what looks to be a terrorist attack but is not.
Alternate Draft
NAJEH
Charismatic and hard-working, Najeh was raised to hate Israel and entered the world of terrorism. In his early late twenties, he planned the terrorist attack in Jerusalem that killed Daniel’s parents. Fifteen years later, he has reinvented himself, moved to Israel proper, and entered into Israeli politics. Well-funded by enemy nations, he wins a seat in the Knesset.
He is forced to act reasonably and control his hatred in order to effectively funnel information and money to terrorist groups and foreign governments. He is a bit paranoid about being discovered and can act out violently if threatened.
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Bob’s Intriguing Concept and World
Concept: An orphaned American ex-patriot becomes a skilled Mossad Agent after his parents are murdered by terrorists to exact revenge for their deaths.
Unique subworld: The highly dangerous world of middle east espionage.
Previously unexplored: The religious fanaticism of all factions.
The unknown: Political manipulations, world opinion, outside influences.
The unseen: The protagonist’s unstable nature, depression, guilt, use of drugs/alcohol, and consultation with a therapist.
Unheard of dangers: Terrorists, double agents, betrayals.
Reason to explore it: Vengeance and alleviation of guilt.
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Bob’s Project and Insights
Eternal Flame – A script I am currently rewriting as part of another ScreenwritingU course. Married soulmates hire a practitioner of Hindu studies to put them through a program designed to assure they will meet each other in future lives. Before finishing the program, they die in a tragic accident. Twenty-five years later they have a chance meeting at which the husband is drawn to his soulmate. Trouble is, they meet at her bachelorette party, and she doesn’t recognize him. (5 – 15 million)
Old Friends – After his wife passes and he can no longer live in the home they shared when they had two pensions, a man contacts an online agency that places older single people together to resolve financial or companionship issues. The agency places a woman in his home that he knew and had a crush on back in college but has since been out of touch with. After college, she married a friend of his but was recently divorced. They must now navigate the new arrangement and decide whether it should stay an arrangement or evolve into something more. (1.5 – 3 million)
Insights
Writing screenplays for hire is akin to being a consultant where the producer is your client. Your job, and your focus, must be on making the producer’s vision a reality. To do this, you must be willing to audition, capture the essence of the producer’s vision, maintain a steady demeanor, and write a screenplay that is makable within the producer’s constraints.
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Bob Onufer
I’ve written seven screenplays and about a dozen spec teleplays.
I recently retired and am taking this course to develop additional pathways to become a working screenwriter.
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Robert Onufer
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Bob’s Amazing Opening Scene
What I learned from this assignment is you may definitely have to “kill your darlings” to make it better.
Title: Eternal Flame
Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.
Openings
Original (Plunge into Unique World): The script opens in New York City – 1987 during the Thanksgiving Day Parade. We meet Martin and Amanda Cole heading to celebrate their tenth anniversary. As they head out, Amanda almost gets hit by the Snoopy balloon. This setup allows her reincarnated persona to recall her past life when the situation reoccurs twenty-five years later. They go from the parade to a diner where they first discuss reincarnation.
Option (The V.O. that’s unusual): Open just before Martin and Amanda are tragically killed. The V.O. would be done by Jeff Ash (reincarnated Martin Cole) and would show his world view and primary character trait (so it’s also in part The Unique Character opening). It would end with their deaths and cut to three months earlier at their anniversary dinner.
Option (Intriguing scene from another place in the movie): Similar to the last option, this would open just before Martin and Amanda are tragically killed. It would be shorter, have more direct dialogue between Martin and Amanda, and cut to their anniversary dinner after their death.
I selected the V.O. that’s unusual option. This lends itself to being the most provocative and encompasses more than one of the ten openings.
Current Version
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY – AFTERNOON
The unmistakable view of the famous skyline. It’s a brisk November day.
As we move to the city below, we see the magic of the Christmas season sparklingon the metropolis. On this particular day, crowds line the streets and trafficcomes to a halt. Children are perched on their parents shoulders or held in theirarms as everyone jockeys for the best position.
A title reads:
NEW YORK CITY – THANKSGIVING DAY – 1987
EXT. HERALD SQUARE – AFTERNOON
We’re in the middle of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as it heads towardHerald Square. Bands and floats march down the street intermittently performingtheir repertoires.
WILLARD SCOTT (V.O.)
It’s a wonderful day for this year’s parade. I’m coming toyou live from New York with my first time cohost MaryHart. Mary is out near Broadway with some very special guests.
We pull back from the live view of the parade and switch to a TV view of the NBCbroadcast of the parade. We see WILLARD SCOTT in a suit with a red tie, sunflower in lapel, and gray fedora. He is holding a microphone.
WILLARD SCOTT
(on TV screen) Are you there, Mary?
The TV screen switches to MARY HART dressed all in white and holding her microphonewhere she is surrounded by PEANUTS CHARACTERS and JILL SCHULTZ.
As Mary speaks on camera, we see a man and a woman bustling down the sidewalk fromopposite directions with purpose.
He is MARTIN COLE, 33 years old, handsome in a boyish way despite the full beardhe sports. He is wearing a blue coat with white fraternity letters emblazoned onit. He hasn’t quite made the entire transition from college to the real world despite his years out of school.
She is AMANDA COLE, about Martin’s age but could pass for her twenties. Amanda hasdark hair with radiant blue eyes which right now are focused on Martin, obliviousto the hoopla around her.
MARY HART
I’m here with Jill Schultz, daughter of Peanuts creator,Charles Schultz. Jill will be riding the Peanuts float for the first time this year along with all of her friends here.
JILL SCHULTZ
That’s right Mary. Plus we’re unveiling a new Snoopygiant balloon this year. This new balloon is over
60 feet tall and weighs almost 350 pounds.
WILLARD SCOTT
We’ll have to cut back on some of those dog biscuits.
MARY HART
And there he is now, wearing his brand new red ice skates.
BACK TO LIVE STREET VIEW
Shot of Snoopy balloon as it is directed down the street.
WILLARD SCOTT (O.S.)
Uh-oh, looks like we have a pedestrian who is notintimidated by those blades.
On the street, Amanda reaches the intersection and starts to cross the street,still not paying attention to the parade. She doesn’t notice the giant SNOOPYballoon and its HANDLERS headed in her direction. Martin sees this, picks up hispace, and points at the balloon.
MARY HART (O.S.)
Wait a minute, it looks like she has a savior.
<b align=”center”>MARTIN
Love … watch out for Snoopy …
But Amanda can’t hear with all the parade noise. Martin rushes to the street andgrabs his wife out of danger. As he does, a strand of her hair falls in front ofher face.
He brushes it back behind her ear. They laugh as Snoopy passes safely and then they kiss.
WILLARD SCOTT (O.S)
And the young gentleman who saved her gets a big smooch in return. I hope her hubby’s not watching.
AMANDA
(to Martin)
I can just see the headline now – woman crushed by afifty foot Beagle. Think I’m what Lucy would refer to as a blockhead.
<b align=”center”>MARTIN
Should have been paying more attention, Love.
<b align=”center”>AMANDA
(focusing on Martin)
I was.
Amanda hands Martin a gift-wrapped package.
AMANDA (cont’d) Happy anniversary, Martin.
Revised Opening (1<sup>st</sup> draft)
FADE IN:
INT. NEW YORK CITY / MAJESTIC THEATER – JANUARY 26, 1988
We’re in the theater lobby as the Broadway premiere of Phantom of the Operalets out. In the THRONG OF PEOPLE are AMANDA (30, radiant in her Broadwayformal wear) and MARTIN COLE (30, boyish with hair a little longer and curlierthan necessary, looking uncomfortable in his ill-fitting three- piece suitcomplete with a gold pocket watch chain attached between his vest button andthe watch in the pocket).
Martin hands a ticket to the CHECK ROOM ATTENDANT to retrieve their coats. Hehelps Amanda into her coat and then puts on his own. He takes Amanda’s handand they head out the theater doors.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY / MAJESTIC THEATER – NIGHT
The night is cold and a light snow is falling. A gust of wind blows Amanda’shair in front of her eye. Martin gently places it back behind her ear.
AMANDA<div>
Oh, Martin… it’s so cold.
Martin puts his arm around her to warm her as they make their way down theblock toward the parking garage.
MARTIN
Better?
AMANDA
Much.
MARTIN
Did you enjoy the play?
She doesn’t answer just reaches over and kisses Martin. They huddle together until they get to the:
EXT. PARKING GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
Martin hands his slip to the PARKING ATTENDANT, who leaves his space heated booth to get their car.
AMANDA
That was the best anniversary present ever.
MARTIN
Better than our quest for meeting each other in future lives?
AMANDA
Definitely more instant gratification.
MARTIN
With more to come when we get home.
AMANDA
We’ll see.
MARTIN
Maybe we should get a hotel room.
Amanda watches as the snow intensifies.
AMANDA
Not a bad idea.
JEFF (V.O.)
They say you shouldn’t mess with destiny. That perhaps trying to trick fate creates bad karma you’ll have to deal with later, or in a later life.
Martin looks at the pocket watch for the time. We see there is aninscription inside the watch but we can’t read it. As he does, the attendant arrives with their car.
AMANDA
Your misfortune.
MARTIN
I’ll drive fast.
Martin hands the attendant some cash, opens the door for Amanda, and finally gets in his seat.
JEFF (V.O.)
I don’t know where I would be if Martin and Amanda got a hotel room that night. I might not be alive. I certainly wouldn’t be me.
Martin pulls the car into the street, skids on some ice, corrects and continues.
JEFF (V.O.)
It’s the little decisions. The choice to drive back home instead ofspend the night in the City. The one that let fate punch back. Or maybe it would have happened anyway.
EXT. LINCOLN TUNNEL ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Martin rolls down the window, pays the toll, and enters the tunnel.
JEFF (V.O.)
Maybe we’re not intended to know the unseen. Maybe there is a greater being that doesn’t like us to cheat the system…
INT. COROLLA TRAVELING / LINCOLN TUNNEL – CONTINUOUS
Martin glances over at Amanda. She is nodding off in the passenger seat.
MARTIN
Tired, Love?
Amanda curls up in the seat.
AMANDA
Hmmm…
Martin gazes at his wife, distracted by his love for her. Suddenly, a car HONKS.
EXT. LINCOLN TUNNEL – CONTINUOUS
Martin has swerved too far to the right. He tries to compensate but overdoesit. The Corolla HITS the wall of the tunnel and careens off it. It swipesanother car and bounces. Martin tries to control the car but can’t.
The Corolla flips. Driver and passenger are strewn about over and over.Martin tries to put himself between Amanda and harm’s way, but harm iseverywhere and it’s not possible.
JEFF (V.O.)
…and maybe that’s why Rebecca doesn’t recognize me.
The Corolla comes to a stop. Everything is still. Martin’s limp hand holds the pocket watch.
<b align=”right”>MATCH CUT TO:
INT. STARDUST DINER – DAY
CLOSE UP: The pocket watch is being held in a hand.
AMANDA (V.O.)
Open it, Martin.
A thumb presses on the release and the watch pops open. The inscription reads: “To my soulmate, withall my love.”
</div>
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Bob’s Amazing Third Act
What I learned doing this assignment is that the movie will constantly be changing as reviewing later scenes requires going back and planting seeds in earlier scenes.
Acts One & Two Recap
Amanda Cole believes in reincarnation and soulmates. As she and her husband, Martin, celebrate their tenth anniversary on Thanksgiving 1987, she laments that in some incarnations she and Martin “miss” each other and marry someone who is not their soulmate. Martin, though a skeptic, engages Dr. William Volger (a PhD therapist with a specialty in far eastern religions) to create a program designed to assure he and Amanda will recognize each other in future lives. Before they complete the program, Martin and Amanda are killed in a tragic accident.
Twenty-five years later, Jeff Ash (reincarnated Martin Cole) has a chance meeting with Rebecca Diamond (reincarnated Amanda Cole). He immediately is drawn to her and knows, on some level, he is meant to be with her. Unfortunately, he meets her during her bachelorette party, and she doesn’t remember him. After some searching and reconnecting with an older Dr. Volger, Jeff continually tries to convince Rebecca that she is his soulmate. Seeing that there may be a connection between Rebecca and Jeff, Rebecca’s fiancée Ken steps in and hires an out-of-work actress (Sally) to convince Jeff that she, not Rebecca, is Jeff’s soulmate. Between confusion caused by Sally and his desire that Rebecca be happy with or without him, Jeff professes his love for Rebecca and leaves her.
Act Three Beats
INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jeff returns to Sally’s after saying good-bye to Rebecca. He doesn’t feel drawn to her like he was to Rebecca but is willing to entertain the idea she is his soulmate.
INT. GWEN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Rebecca is spending the night before her wedding at Gwen’s eating ice cream. Rebecca discusses how Jeff’s idea of soulmates is romantic.
INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Jeff finds 3 x 5 cards with information about Martin and Amanda along with surveillance photos of himself. Sally is a fraud.
INT. MATT’S CAR – MORNING
Jeff gathers Matt (his best friend) to assist him. With Matt’s help, Jeff heads toward the church to stop the wedding.
INT. GREENWICH VILLAGE CHURCH – DAY
Arriving at the church, Jeff and Matt discover the wedding was moved. The priest doesn’t know the new location but reveals that the church was paid a sizable sum for its trouble. The payment was made by an older man in a bow tie – Dr. Volger.
INT. DR. VOLGER’S HOME OFFICE – DAY
Jeff confronts Dr. Volger. Volger admits to being paid off by Ken to provide the information used by Sally to convince Jeff she was his soulmate. Jeff presses to find out where the wedding has been moved to, but Volger doesn’t know. Jeff asks to be hypnotized and progressed into the future to find the location.
JEFF’S VISION – CONTINUOUS
Volger hypnotizes Jeff and progresses him. Jeff finds where the church is but, in the vision, Ken says he’s too late to stop the wedding.
INT. MATT’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
The high-speed chase-type attempt to get to the church in time to stop the wedding when dealing with New York Thanksgiving Day traffic.
INT. LIMO – CONTINUOUS
Rebecca and Gwen heading to wedding in the same area dealing with the same New York Thanksgiving Day traffic.
EXT. BROADWAY AND 51<sup>ST</sup> STREET – CONTINUOUS
Rebecca and Gwen, in wedding attire, abandon the limo and attempt to cross the parade route to get to the church. The scene resembles the Act One opening scene when Amanda was trying to cross the parade route in 1987.
INT. MIDTOWN CHURCH – DAY
Jeff bursts into the church just as he hears the priest pronounce the couple married. His shout is too late. The bride and groom turn to face him – it’s Ken and Gwen.
EXT. MIDTOWN CHURCH – CONTINUOUS
Jeff speaks with Gwen. Rebecca had second thoughts as to whether or not Ken was her soulmate.
EXT. MATT’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Matt asks Jeff his plans. Jeff says he’ll give Rebecca some space for a little while.
INT. STARDUST DINER – DAY
Jeff looks at a menu in the diner where Martin and Amanda celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary. As he does, he hears a voice. It is Rebecca. She is dressed in Gwen’s Maid of Honor gown and is quoting a line said first by Martin twenty-five years ago.
FINAL IMAGE
The reunited soulmates kiss as the camera moves out through the diner window and catches glimpses of the parade as the Snoopy balloon floats by.
The Seven Rules
PREDICTABLE – Having Rebecca and Jeff get together is inevitable in this type of romantic-comedy. Having him fail to find the wedding on the first attempt and having to hypnosis to progress to discover the new venue hopefully puts the ending in some jeopardy.
NO SURPRISE – Having Jeff be unable to stop the wedding holds some surprise. Having the bride be Gwen and not Rebecca is another surprise. This second surprise needs to be hinted at throughout the movie, so while it is unexpected, it makes sense.
MEANINGLESS – As with other movies of this type, destiny has triumphed, and soulmates meant to be together are reunited.
SMALL CLIMAX – There may be ways to enhance the magnitude of the climax through additional revision. I will continue to look for ways to do this.
ON-THE-NOSE – Some of the dialogue in the scene outside the church after Gwen and Ken get married may be on-the-nose. This will be looked at with a dialogue revision.
DEPARTURE – The ending delivers on the main story of destiny. The Ken and Gwen story should resonate with the Jeff and Rebecca story.
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Robert Onufer has completed the BW Framework.
I would like Option B. Pro feedback from SU.
What I learned from this assignment is that the process will keep evolving as I move forward in the creation of the show. I don’t expect the BW framework prepared today will stay stagnant throughout the rest of the course.
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Bob’s Creating Irony!Title: “Mount Moriah”
Character Irony
· Christine is a professed religious Christian who uses sex to manipulate others.
· Najeh Tamra is a former terrorist who has entered the public arena to achieve his goals from the inside.
· Rabbi Silverberg who works with Daniel’s depression but doesn’t believe in God.
· Daniel is outwardly in control of himself; inwardly he is fighting depression, guilt and PTSD.
· Christine diminishes herself in order to prove her value.
Situational Irony
· Daniel is trying to achieve peace through violence.
· Both Daniel’s and Najeh’s positions have merit although both men see the absolute destruction of the other as the only viable outcome.
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Mod 1 Lesson 11 Assignment 1
“The Young Pope”
Irony
· Lenny (Pius XIII) is a saint who performs miracles but may not believe in God.
· Lenny wants to impose ironclad rules for the Catholic faithful, yet he violates the tenants of confession.
· Cardinal Vioello believes his knowledge of the secrets of all Vatican players gives him a political advantage, yet Lenny seems to always know more.
· Cardinal Vioello manipulates the conclave to elect a Pope he believes he can control only to have the new Pope become a force against him.
· Archbishop Kurtwell believes he has Lenny trapped because he has discovered love letters Lenny had written but, when the letters are published, they increase Lenny’s stature.
· Cardinal Andrew Dussolier is too weak to outlaw the drug lords from the church and sacraments for their crimes but winds up dead as a result of his crime of sleeping with the drug lord’s wife.
· Cardinal Andrew Dussolier is too weak to fight Lenny over priesthood recruiting prohibitions allegedly designed to protect young boys, yet because of his weakness a young candidate commits suicide.
· Sister Mary must adhere to celibacy requirements and wears her “I Am A Virgin” night shirt but is sexually attracted to Cardinal Vioello.
· Cardinal Vioello conspires with Sister Mary to distract Lenny and have him sign his resignation papers, yet when the opportunity presents itself, Vioello cannot go through with it.
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Bob’s Most Memorable Line
What I learned doing this assignment was there are a large number of ways to approach dialogue, each with a different shade of meaning.
Scene – Jeff has been trying to convince Rebecca that she is his soulmate and they belong together. In this scene, Rebecca’s fiancée, Ken, has agreed to go to Dr. Volger’s office with her so she could learn more about her possible past life.
INT. DR. VOLGER’S WAITING ROOM – DAY
Ken and Rebecca enter the waiting area. Lauren is sitting behind the desk. Ken peruses the area, taking in the soulmate artwork while Rebecca speaks with Lauren.
LAUREN (O.S.)
Sorry. No same day appointments.
Doc’s got two actors this morning, a
politician this afternoon, and he’s
meeting a shortstop for lunch.
Besides, you’re not current patients.
REBECCA
But it’s important.
LAUREN
Sorry.
Ken comes up behind Rebecca.
KEN
We’ll pay triple his hourly rate.
LAUREN
In that case, I’ll see if the Doc can
squeeze you in. What type of
appointment do you want?
REBECCA
I want to learn about a past life.
LAUREN
You want to be regressed?
REBECCA
If that’s what you call it.
Lauren picks up the phone and dials Volger.
Ken wanders back to the artwork. He takes a picture of “infinite hearts” off the wall.
KEN
This is bullshit you know.
REBECCA
Ken…
KEN
This guy is a scam artist. Look at
the pictures. I assume that’s him
in his doctor bow tie with Shirley
MacLaine, with Wayne Gretsky.
It’s all fake. He’s doing it for the
money.
REBECCA
What if it’s not?
KEN
Gwen told me you were having second
thoughts.
REBECCA
I never said that.
KEN
Gwen said this guy, this homo dancer
really got into your head.
REBECCA
This has nothing to do with anything
Gwen said. Isn’t it important to you
to know if we’re destined to be
together?
Ken tosses the “infinite heart” artwork on the floor, damaging the frame. Lauren puts down the phone,
LAUREN
Hey. You can’t do that.
Ken grabs another soulmate piece of art.
KEN
And if this doctor regresses you and
tells you the gay dancer is your
soulmate, what then? Are you going to
leave me, running to this guy you
barely know?
REBECCA
I don’t know.
(beat)
I just thought…
KEN
If you don’t want to marry me, you
can come up with a better reason than
this mumbo jumbo.
Ken tosses the soulmate artwork on the top of the “infinite heart” artwork.
LAUREN
Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
REBECCA
(ignoring Lauren)
I didn’t say I didn’t want to marry
you.
Ken grabs the picture of Volger with Shirley MacLaine. Lauren gets up and takes it away.
LAUREN
Sir, please.
Ken takes a wad of money out of his pocket, hands it to Lauren.
KEN
For the damage.
(to Rebecca)
I’m out of here. I planned something
special for rehearsal dinner tonight.
That is, if you still want to marry me.
REBECCA
Of course, I do. I’m sorry, Coming
here was a stupid idea.
Rebecca takes Ken’s hand.
REBECCA (cont’d)
We’re together now, in this life, and
that’s all that matters.
Rebecca and Ken leave the waiting area. As they leave Ken grabs a business card from a display.
The lines being rewritten are in bold/italic. As written, it is apologetic. New versions are as follows:
Angry: You promised you’d cooperate.
Threat: If you leave, I’ll know you’re not my soulmate.
Sarcastic: Of course, I want to marry you, who wouldn’t want your money.
Defeated: (to Lauren) Tell the doctor, it was my mistake to come here.
Begging: Can you ever forgive me for making you come here.
Amusement: You don’t have to be afraid of an old soulmate.
Denial: None of this meant anything.
Sadness: I thought you loved me.
Suspicious: If I don’t come, you’ll always have Gwen.
Sensual: No dialogue. Rebecca takes the photo from Ken, kisses him.
Other Actions:
Rebecca takes out her cell phone and dials Gwen.
Rebecca grabs a print of the “Love of Souls” painting and smashes it on Ken’s head.
Rebecca asks Lauren for Jeff’s number.
The new line will be “If I don’t come, you’ll always have Gwen.” Rebecca’s character profile says she is strong and would therefore not just cave or crumble. She puts Ken back on the defensive as well as hints at the fact that Ken and Gwen belong together.
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Posted to course number 74
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Bob Onufer. Reason: Posted to wrong course version
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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Bob loves separating character dialogue.
What I learned doing this is assignment is a need to get deeper into my characters’ heads to have them sound unique. I also need to do this exercise for the remainder of the lead character’s lines as well as supporting characters.
Lead Character: Jeff Ash (appears beginning in Act 2 as the reincarnated Martin Cole)
Core Character Traits:
a) Persistent leading to obsession
b) Strong self-esteem/ego
c) Normally shy and very private
d) Good sense of humor
Traits c & d were revised from an earlier profile
His mission: To reconnect with is soulmate.
Flaw: Jeff is overly sure of himself even if he may be wrong.
Want: To reconnect with his soulmate.
Need: To release his soulmate so she is free to choose him.
Revised lines – (out of context so they may struggle to make sense)
BEFORE: I overheard you’re getting married. You shouldn’t.
AFTER: Whoever he is, he doesn’t deserve you. You have to admit, I’m probably cuter than he is and definitely more drunk.
BEFORE: You have great eyes.
AFTER: Don’t want to hide those eyes.
BEFORE: With practice, Love.
AFTER: With practice and a lot more beer, Love.
BEFORE: I need to see her again. To talk to her.
AFTER: It’s not about sex. I never felt so attracted to anyone before in my life. It’s like I’m being drawn to her like a magnet.
BEFORE: She’s not supposed to look special to you. She’s meant for me. It’s all the more reason I have to see her.
AFTER: I believe she’s my soulmate, Matt.
BEFORE: Matt, this girl…
AFTER: (No dialogue – Replace with a look)
BEFORE: You remembered.
AFTER: I’m touched.
BEFORE: She’s Amanda. When I saw her walk into a bar, it all came back. I couldn’t immediately see our prior life together but I knew her. I knew she was my soulmate.
AFTER: She’s Amanda. The first time she walked in the bar and I danced for her, I knew she was my soulmate. Then, I found the watch – the one Amanda gave Martin on their tenth anniversary and things began to come back.
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Bob’s Show Plot and Character Layers.
What I learned doing this assignment was that brainstorming presents options for plot and character layers.
“Mount Moriah”
Plot Layers
Major Scene Revealed: Daniel Shay is a brilliant Mossad agent having studied with the IDF Talpiot program, a program that only accepts people with IQs in the top 5 percent of the population.
Mystery Revealed: Daniel’s parents were killed in a terrorist attack in Jerusalem when they were celebrating his Bar Mitzvah.
Thought It Was About But It’s About: We believe Daniel’s goal is to be an exemplary Mossad agent and thwart terrorism but he actually studied and became a Mossad agent so he could exact revenge for his parents’ murders.
Major Shift in Meaning: When faced with the opportunity to kill the terrorist responsible for his parents’ murders, Daniel hesitates, unsure if this is what he really wants.
Hidden Plan: Christine plans to destroy the Dome of the Rock and attempts to manipulate Daniel into assisting her.
Major Betrayal: Daniel betrays his oath to Mossad as he pursues his own agenda.
Character Layers
Character Surface: Daniel’s outer façade is one of confidence, brilliance, and competence.
Layer 1: Hidden Agenda: Daniel believes he wants vengeance in one form or another but he needs to come to terms with his parents’ deaths.
Layer 2: Hidden Character: Daniel holds within him deep guilt since his parents’ deaths occurred at his Bar Mitzvah. He has lost faith in God and religion and suffers from bouts of depression.
Layer 3: Secret Identity: Daniel disguises himself as a terrorist to get closer to finding who killed his parents.
Layer 4: Wound: Daniel is unable to form real relationships since his parents’ deaths. He deals with this through anti-depressants, alcohol, and whores.
Layer 5: Daniel competes with Avi for control of the Mossad agenda.
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Mod 1 Lesson 10 Assignment 1
“The Young Pope”
Plot Surface: Lenny Belardo has unexpectantly been elected Pope by the conclave of Cardinals. As infallible ruler of the Catholic Church and essentially the “dictator” of the Vatican, Lenny imposes his vision for the Catholic Church on the Cardinals and upsets the norms of the Vatican.
Sabotage: Cardinal Angelo Vioello uses his influence and the fact that he knows the “secrets” of everyone in the Vatican to thwart Lenny.
Conspiracy: Cardinal Angelo Vioello conspires with the other Cardinals to get Lenny to resign from the Papacy. First, he conspires to get compromising sexual pictures of Lenny with Esther. Next, he conspires with Sister Mary to take advantage of a distracted Lenny when Sister Mary arranges for a Vatican meeting with his “fake” parents.
Mystery: Why did Lenny’s parents abandon him? Why is he obsessed with finding them? Will he find them?
Hidden Agenda: Lenny won’t discuss why he is at first reluctant to investigate Archbishop Kurtwell for pedophilia.
Future Consequences: Lenny uses prayer to perform “miracles,” including making a barren woman fertile, curing a terminally ill woman, and killing a “bad” nun in Africa. Will these “miracles” continue? Will they play a part in his Papacy? How is able to seemingly perform “miracles”?
Character Surface: Sister Mary is a nun who raised Lenny at the orphanage. She is brought to the Vatican by Lenny as his adviser.
Layer 1: Hidden Agenda: Sister Mary has mixed allegiances. Her ultimate loyalty is to the Catholic Church even if it means deceiving Lenny.
Layer 2: Hidden Character: Sister Mary is conflicted sexually. As a young nun, she aroused Lenny and his best friend, Cardinal Andrew Dussolier. At the Vatican she is drawn to Cardinal Angelo Vioello’s advances.
Layer 3: Secret Identity: Sister Mary quietly and unassumingly manipulates people to control Lenny.
Layer 4: Wound: Sister Mary is also an orphan.
Layer 5: Competition: Sister Mary wishes to still control Lenny as she did in the orphanage.
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<b align=”left”>Bob’s Dramatic Scene Transitions<b align=”left”>
<b align=”left”>What I learned doing this assignment was that 79 percent of my transitions can be categorized as flow. I will need to review the remaining scenes to see if they can benefit from more dramatic transitions.<b align=”left”>
<b align=”left”>ORIGINAL SCENE
INT. YOUNG AND ASSOCIATES OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
We are in the cubicle of JEFFREY ASH, Martin Cole reincarnate. Jeffrey is ahandsome twenty-four year old. He’s wearing a tie and his suit jacket hangs on a rack in the cubicle eerily reminiscent of Martin Cole’s arrangement. He’sabsorbed in whatever he’s working on at his desk on a state- of-the-art iMac.
MATT THOMPSON, a slightly overweight co-worker leans over his cubicle wall. Like David to Martin, Matt was Jeff’s fraternity brother and best friend. UnlikeMartin and David, neither of the two are married or otherwise encumbered.
<b align=”left”>MATT
Jeff. Hey Jeff.
Jeff continues to work on the iMac.
<b align=”left”>MATT (CONT’D)<div>
(louder)
Jeff.
Jeff pushes enter, looks up.
JEFF
Got it, Matt. What’s up?
MATT
A few of us are going over to get a drink after work.Interested?
JEFF
I was thinking of staying late and finishing this project. It’s due before Thanksgiving.
MATT
Jeff, Buddy. I’ve been telling you the same thing since college. You have to unwind a little to becreative. To do your best work. It’s for your own good.Come on.
JEFF
It’s an important project.
MATT
You need to get a life outside of work.A drink now and again is good for you. Besides, you’re making us all look bad.
<b align=”left”>JEFF
Okay. Ten more minutes.
Matt’s head disappears for a moment, then reappears in Jeff’s cubicle. He grabsJeff’s jacket and throws it at him.
<b align=”left”>MATT
Come on. Where’s that wild guy I knew in the fraternity.That guy would be out there dancing up a storm andbreaking hearts.
Jeff starts to put on the jacket.
<b align=”left”>MATT (CONT’D)
And he would definitely lose the tie.
<b align=”left”>INT. ADAM’S BAR – NIGHT
It’s a Thursday night and the placed is packed with twenty- somethings staying in the city for a drink on the town. For some reason, most of the patrons in the bar are women. Over ninety percent, in fact. Matt likes these odds and hassomehow managed to procure two seats at the bar. He motions for Jeff to comeover. Jeff, still wearing his tie, makes his way to Matt and takes a seat.
<b align=”left”>MATT
Two Bass Ales.
One of the BARTENDERS brings the drinks.
<b align=”left”> REWRITTEN SCENE WITH OVERLAP</div><div>
INT. YOUNG AND ASSOCIATES OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
We are in the cubicle of JEFFREY ASH, Martin Cole reincarnate. Jeffrey is ahandsome twenty-four year old. He’s wearing a tie, his suit jacket hangs on arack in the cubicle eerily reminiscent of Martin Cole’s arrangement. He’s absorbed in the project he’s working on at his desk on a state-of-the-art iMac.
MATT THOMPSON, a slightly overweight co-worker leans over his cubicle wall. Like David to Martin, Matt was Jeff’s fraternity brother and best friend. UnlikeMartin and David, neither of the two are married or otherwise encumbered.
<b align=”left”>MATT
A bunch of us are going over to get a drink after work.You should come.
Jeff continues to work on the iMac.
<b align=”left”>MATT (CONT’D)</div><div>
(louder)
Jeff.
Jeff looks up.
JEFF
I was planning on staying late and working on the Kohler project. It’s due before Thanksgiving.
MATT
Jeff, Buddy. I’ve been telling you the same thing since college. You have to unwind a little to becreative. To do your best work. It’s for your own good. Come on.
JEFF
Jensen says it’s a critical project.
MATT
You need to not stress out so much. A drink now and again is good for you. Get your creative juices flowing. Besides, you’re making us all look bad.
JEFF
Okay. Ten minutes.
Matt’s head disappears for a moment, then Matt’s full body reappears in Jeff’s cubicle. He grabs Jeff’s jacket and throws it at him.
<b align=”left”>INT. ADAM’S BAR – NIGHT
A pretty typical New York bar. Lighting is dark, some tables line the wall, and there is a stage at the far end of the bar.
MATT (V.O.)
Two Bass ales.
The bar is packed for a Thursday. For some reason, most of the patrons in thebar are women. Over ninety percent, in fact.
Matt likes these odds and has somehow managed to procure two seats at the bar. He motions for Jeff to come over. Jeff, still wearing his tie, makes his way to Matt and takes a seat.
</div>
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Bob’s Big Picture Open Loops
Mod 1 Lesson 9 Assignment 2
What I learned doing this assignment is that Open Loops (along with Mysteries) provide fodder for stories necessary to keep interest in the show.
“Mount Moriah”
OPEN LOOPS
Based on GOALS:
· How will Daniel exact revenge?
· Will Daniel assist Christine with her plan to demolish the Dome of the Rock and build a Third Temple (new goal)?
Based on CONSEQUENCES:
· Will Avi learn that Daniel has an agenda separate from Mossad’s?
Based on SOLVING PROBLEMS:
· Can Daniel come to terms with the guilt he feels over his parents’ murders?
Based on RELATIONSHIPS:
· Will Daniel and Christine develop a personal relationship?
Based on DAMAGE/SURVIVAL/RISKS:
· Will Daniel suffer a breakdown?
· Will Daniel get caught/killed as he seeks the terrorist that killed his parents?
· Will Daniel’s issue with anti-depressants become problematic?
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Mod 1 Lesson 9 Assignment 1
“The Young Pope”
OPEN LOOPS
Will Lenny Belardo (Pius XIII) be able to implement his plans for the Catholic Church without causing the Church to become insignificant or bankrupting it?
Will the Italian government cave to Lenny’s requirements for concessions to the Vatican?
Why did Esther leave with her baby?
Is Lenny being blackmailed so he doesn’t seriously investigate pedophilia claims?
Can Lenny resist the challenges to conform to Vatican norms coming from the other cardinals?
Can Lenny really perform miracles, and if so, how?
How will Lenny’s relationship with Sister Mary evolve? With his former mentor, Cardinal Michael Spencer?
Will Lenny survive plots to discredit him and make him resign the Papacy?
Will the pressures on Lenny and his own internal doubts cause him to have a breakdown?
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Bob’s’ Elevated Scene Structure
What I learned from this assignment is that most scenes can benefit from another look at scene structure. I will go back and look for other scenes where a structural change can elevate the scene.
The scene chosen for this assignment is:
EXT. – NEW YORK MUSEUM OF MODERN ART (END OF ACT TWO)
Where the wedding party is leaving the museum. Rebecca walks toward Jeff, but Ken confronts him first. Rebecca stops Ken. Jeff apologizes to Rebecca and congratulates her on her marriage.
Scene Components:
A. Jeff, having been informed by Sally that she, not Rebecca, is his soulmate, wanders New York and arrives at the Museum of Modern Art where the wedding party is leaving from rehearsal dinner.
B. Ken confronts Jeff for stalking Rebecca.
C. Rebecca intervenes.
D. Jeff gives up Rebecca and congratulates her on her upcoming wedding.
The scene is trying to show that, regardless of whether or not they are soulmates, Jeff loves Rebecca enough to let her go.
Three possible choices:
· Superior Position: Ken has hired Sally to confuse Jeff about his soulmate. He therefore knows Jeff will give up Rebecca.
· Mislead and Reveal: Jeff professes his love for Rebecca, and it looks like he’s going to fight for her. At the last moment he gives her up.
· Irony: Jeff talks about soulmates and how he believes Rebecca is his soulmate regardless of Sally’s knowledge. He speaks of what soulmates really need to be and because of this, he gives Rebecca up. Her unspoken action shows that she may not want Jeff to be giving her up. She lets Jeff fix her hair that has fallen in front of her face, touches his hand as he does, and lingers for a moment.
The new scene is written with irony.
EXT. NEW YORK MUSEUM OF MODERN ART – NIGHT
Lights are starting to go out in the sections of the museum where therehearsal dinner has just wound up.
Jeff finds himself drawn to the museum.
As Jeff gets close to the entrance, people we know are streaming out andsaying their goodbyes. Among the last ones out are Rebecca and Ken. They areholding hands.
Rebecca is startled to see Jeff. They gaze at each other for a moment. Shelets go of Ken’s hand and walks toward Jeff.
<b align=”center”>KEN
Rebecca…
(louder)
Rebecca
Rebecca turns toward Ken.
KEN (CONT’D)
Is that? Is that the gay dancer?
REBECCA
Yes. It’s the dancer.
Rebecca turns back to Jeff. A light snow starts falling.
KEN
Hey. Why are you following my fiancée?
Gwen comes up next to Ken.
GWEN
I told you he was a stalker. It’s a good thing you’re here with us.
REBECCA
He’s not a stalker.
(a beat)
Why are you following his fiancée?
JEFF
I didn’t know you’d be here, but I did want to seeyou desperately and I ended up here.
Ken moves forward with the SECURITY GUARD by his side, Rebecca stills
him with a gesture.
JEFF
<o:p>
I tried to convince you to be with me because I believe we belong together. From the first time in the bar when I danced like a fool for you until the time I saw you with Amanda’s mother in the garden and hoped against hope that you’d remember. Maybe you’re not my soulmate and maybe soulmates don’t really exist, but I think about you all the time and I can’t wait to see you even if you think I’m a stalker and throw things at me.
REBECCA
Jeff, I…
Rebecca looks at Ken standing next to Gwen.
JEFF
But more importantly. More importantly, soulmate or not, I want you to be happy.
Jeff steps closer to Rebecca. A strand of hair falls in front of her face. Jeff brushes it back behind her ear. Rebecca reaches up, touches Jeff’s hand as he fixes her hair.
JEFF (CONT’D)
If that means living without me and marrying Ken, well I guess that’s the way it has to be for this life.
Rebecca looks into Jeff’s eyes.
JEFF (CONT’D)
But I’m not giving you up completely. So expect me back in your next life.
Jeff turns and walks away as the snow starts falling harder. Rebecca watches and touches her hair where Jeff had placed it.
</o:p>
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Bob’s Show Mysteries
Mod 1 Lesson 8 Assignment 2
“Mount Moriah”
SHOCKING EVENT MYSTERY
Shocking Event: Daniel’s parents are killed in a terrorist attack while celebrating his Bar Mitzvah at the Western Wall in Jerusalem.
Secret: While on the surface, Daniel survived this event and turned it into a lifelong quest for security for Israel, he secretly harbors an obsession to exact revenge from the terrorist who plotted the attack that killed his parents.
Investigation: Daniel uses his position with Mossad to seek out the responsible terrorist.
· Who killed: Daniel’s parents
· What: During Daniel’s Bar Mitzvah
· When: 15 years prior to his assignment to Mossad
· Where: Western Wall in Jerusalem
· How: Terrorist sniper
Missing before final episode:
· Why: Was it just political
· Who: Daniel is seeking out the terrorist leader
Ultimate Reveals: Daniel ultimately meets the terrorist who killed his parents.
· Who: Najeh Tamra was the terrorist who killed his parents, he is now a political leader advocating peace
· Why: Daniel hopes settling the score will alleviate the guilt he feels since his parents were killed “because” of his bar Mitzvah
“OVER TIME” MYSTERIES
Cover up: Daniel is presented as a good guy who acts in the best interest of his country. He is, however, using his position to find the terrorist who killed his parents and exact revenge,
Secret: Daniel searches for the leader but may have to compromise his integrity to exact his revenge. He meets in secret with Christine Wade to plot the destruction of the Dome of the Rock to facilitate the construction of the Third Temple.
Reveals: Daniel forms a relationship with Christine Wade, his Rabbi, and his shrink to resolve his internal issues from the tragedy.
· Daniel comes to terms with the guilt he feels over the fact that the tragedy occurred at his Bar Mitzvah.
· Daniel learns to deal with his PTSD.
· Daniel forms a relationship with Christine Wade.
· Daniel plots to destroy the Dome of the Rock with Christine’s group
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Mod 1 Lesson 8 Assignment 1
“The Young Pope”
SHOCKING EVENT MYSTERY
Shocking Event: A young American (Lenny Belardo) is unexpectedly elected Pope. Taking the name Pius XIII, he turns the Vatican on its head by refusing to be seen and re-establishing archaic policies alienating the Vatican mainstay as well as the Catholic faithful. He may well be the worst Pope ever.
Secret: Why is Lenny ruling the Catholic Church in the manner selected. Has he been chosen by God to fulfill his wishes, or does he not believe in God at all?
Investigation: Cardinal Vioello, Sister Mary, Sofia and others attempt to determine why Lenny behaves as he does and to change his behavior when possible.
“OVER TIME” MYSTERIES
Will Lenny ever find the parents that abandoned him and, if he does, how will that impact him?
Will Lenny ever properly conduct a pedophilia investigation?
Will Cardinal Michael Spencer mentor Lenny or convince him to resign the Papacy?
Will Sister Mary work with Cardinal Angelo Vioello in opposition to Lenny?
Will Lenny allow himself to be seen in public?
How will Lenny’s relationship with Esther and her baby, Pius, evolve?
Did the Catholic Church cause the disappearance of Tonino Pettola?
Is Lenny a saint?
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Bob’s Meaningful Action
What I learned from this assignment was that adding meaningful action can increase conflict in the scene and allow actions to foreshadow things to come. It also will require going back to earlier scenes to fill in some blanks.
Title: Eternal Flame
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.
Scene: Rebecca (the reincarnated soulmate of Jeff) asks her fiancé, Ken, to accompany her to Dr. Volger’s office where she can determine if she was Jeff’s soulmate. In the original version, Ken and Rebecca sit and talk in the waiting room and conclude it doesn’t matter if they were soulmates in a prior life. Even Lauren, the receptionist in the scene, is bored with their conversation. I rewrote it to add conflict (Ken doesn’t really want to be there) and to enhance other story lines (Ken has been confiding in Rebecca’s best friend, Gwen).
INT. DR. VOLGER’S WAITING ROOM – DAY
Ken and Rebecca enter the waiting room area. Lauren is sitting behind thedesk. Ken peruses the area, taking in the soulmate artwork while Rebecca approaches Lauren.
REBECCA
We’d like to see the doctor.
LAUREN
Sorry. No same day appointments. Doc’s got two actors this morning, a politician this afternoon, and he’s meeting a shortstop for lunch. Besides, you’re not current patients.
<b align=”center”>REBECCA
But it’s important.
<b align=”center”>LAUREN
Sorry…
Ken comes up behind Rebecca.
KEN
We’ll pay triple his hourly rate.
LAUREN
In that case, I’ll see if the Doc can squeeze you in. What type of appointment do you want?
REBECCA
I want to learn about a past life.
LAUREN
You want to be regressed?
REBECCA
If that’s what you call it.
Lauren picks up the phone and calls Volger.
LAUREN
Your names?
REBECCA
Ken and Rebecca. Rivers and Diamond.
Ken wanders back to the artwork. Takes a picture of “infinite hearts” off the wall.
KEN
This is bullshit you know.
REBECCA
Ken…
<b align=”center”>KEN
The guy is a scam artist – look at the pictures. I assume it’s him in his doctor bow tie with ShirleyMacLaine, with Wayne Gretsky. It’s all fake – he’s doing this for the money.
REBECCA
But what if it’s not?
KEN
Gwen told me you were having second thoughts.
REBECCA
I never said that.
KEN
Gwen said this guy. This homo dancer really got into your head.
REBECCA
This has nothing to do with anything Gwen said. Isn’t it important for you to know if we’re destined to be together?
Ken tosses the “infinite heart” artwork on the floor, damaging the frame. Lauren puts down the phone.
LAUREN
Sir, you can’t do that.
Ken grabs another soulmate piece of art.
KEN
And if this doctor regresses you and tells you the gay dancer is your soulmate, what then? Are you leaving me, running to this guy you barely know?
REBECCA
I don’t know.
(a beat)
I just thought…
KEN
If you don’t want to marry me, you can come up with a better reason than this mumbo jumbo.
Ken tosses the soulmate artwork on top of the “infinite heart” artwork.
<b align=”center”>LAUREN
Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
<b align=”center”>REBECCA
(ignoring Lauren)
I didn’t say I didn’t want to marry you.
Ken grabs the picture of Volger with Shirley MacLaine. Lauren gets up and takes it away.
<b align=”center”>LAUREN
Sir, please.
Ken takes a wad of money out of his pocket, hands in to Lauren.
KEN
For the damage.
(to Rebecca)
I’m out of here. I planned something special for rehearsal dinner tonight. That is, if you still want to marry me.
REBECCA
Of course I do. I’m sorry. Coming here was a stupid idea.
Rebecca takes Ken’s hand.
REBECCA (CONT’D)
We’re together now, in this life, and that’s all that matters.
Rebecca and Ken leave the area. As they leave Ken grabs a business card from a display. Dr. Volger enters the waiting area from his office.
VOLGER
What was all that?
LAUREN
She wanted to know if she was marrying her soulmate. I don’t need to be a hypnotist to see she’s not.
VOLGER
Who were they?
LAUREN
His name was Ken, I think her’s was Amanda.
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Bob’s Empathy/Distress
What I learned from doing this assignment was that empathy/distress is necessary to keep the characters compelling.
Assignment 1
“The Young Pope”
Underserved Misfortune: Lenny Belardo (Pius XIII) was abandoned by his parents.
External Character Conflicts:
· Intentional: Lenny and Cardinal Vioello engage in an adversarial dance over control of the Vatican.
· Unintentional: The impact of Lenny’s policies leads to his best friend’s (Andrew’s) despair, return to Honduras, and death.
Plot Intruding on Life: Lenny is distracted by the arrival of his “alleged” parents causing him to lose focus on his conflict with Vioello.
Moral Dilemmas: Lenny must decide to change his position on who is allowed to become a priest or let Andrew resign the position responsible for implementing Lenny’s mandate. The former is against Lenny’s beliefs; the latter harms his best friend.
Forced Decisions: In his battle for control of the Vatican, Lenny violates tenants of the Catholic Church which are considered sacrosanct such as the privacy of confession.
Assignment 1
“Mount Moriah”
Underserved Misfortune: Daniel Shay’s parents are killed in a terrorist attack when he is thirteen.
External Character Conflicts:
· Intentional: Daniel battles Najeh Tamra’s terrorist group.
· Unintentional: Daniel’s quest for vengeance for his parents’ murders interferes with his superior’s agenda for combating terrorism.
Plot Intruding on Life: Daniel has a plan of action when Christine Wade enters his life with an alternate plan making him reconsider the path his vengeance should take.
Moral Dilemmas: Daniel must hide his true agenda of revenge from his superiors. This will, at times, compromise the ability to keep terrorists at bay and may result in the death of innocents.
Forced Decisions: Against orders to the contrary, Daniel releases a terrorist, believing this to improve his chances of exacting vengeance.
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Bob’s Relationship Map
What I learned from doing this assignment was that developing more relationships allows you to develop additional story lines.
Title: Mount Moriah
Main Character: Daniel Shay
Character 1 – Christine Wade
Surface: Activist
Common Ground: Both want Israel to control the Temple Mount
Conflict: Different visions of what Israeli control will look like
History: From same neighborhood in New York
Subtext: Using each other
Relationship Arc: From relatively unknown to possible lovers
Character 2 – Avi Tiber
Surface: Daniel’s superior
Common Ground: Mossad operatives
Conflict: Operational methods
History: Both were trained in an elite program in the Israeli Defense Force
Subtext: Who’s in charge
Relationship Arc: From colleagues to political opponents
Character 3 – Najeh Tamra
Surface: Enemy
Common Ground: The Land of Israel
Conflict: Najeh is the terrorist leader of a group that Daniel opposes
History: Najeh participated in the raid that killed Daniel’s parents
Subtext: Both are fighting for what they believe is a noble cause
Relationship Arc: From knowing each other as the face of an enemy to knowing each other as human beings
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Mod 1 Lesson 6 Assignment 1
Main Character: Lenny Belardo (Pope Pius XIII)
Character 1 – Sister Mary
Surface: Adviser
Common Ground: Both believe Lenny may have been selected by God to be Pope
Conflict: Different visions for the Catholic Church
History: Sister Mary raised Lenny after he was abandoned by parents
Subtext: Strained parent-child relationship
Relationship Arc: From timid adviser to major player in the Vatican
Character 2 – Cardinal Angelo Voiello
Surface: Adversary
Common Ground: Catholic Church and the Vatican
Conflict: Control of the Vatican
History: Vioello’s plotting during the conclave helped Lenny become Pope
Subtext: Mutual mistrust
Relationship Arc: From subtle maneuvering to direct confrontation
Character 3 – Cardinal Michael Spencer
Surface: Rival
Common Ground: Both were former archbishops of the diocese of New York
Conflict: Lenny holds the position Michael believes belongs to him
History: Michael was Lenny’s mentor
Subtext: Who would be the better Pope
Relationship Arc: From disgust to subservience
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Bob’s Character Emotions
What I learned from doing this assignment is how characters emotional profiles will themselves to story creation throughout s series.
Title: “Mount Moriah”
Character: Daniel Shay
· Situational: Hope: Exacting revenge for his parents’ murders. Fear: Never finding perpetrator.
· Motivational: Want: Make it safe for others to live without the threat of terrorism. Need: Come to terms with his parents’ murders.
· Mask: Base Negative Emotion: Anger and vindictiveness. Public Mask: Competent by-the-book intelligence operative.
· Weakness: Obsessive. Disillusioned with life.
· Triggers: Perceiving evil intentions or actions, being told to forgive and move on.
· Coping mechanisms: Violence against evil, argumentative against advice to move on.
Character: Christine Wade
Situational: Hope: Contribute to bringing about the “end of days.” Fear: She has succumbed to a cult.
Motivational: Want: Manipulate others to move forward the rebuilding of the Temple in Jerusalem. Need: To prove to her ex-husband that she has value.
Mask: Base Negative Emotion: Unimportant and anxious. Public Mask: Competent leader of important project.
Weakness: Unsure of herself.
Triggers: Being dismissed, being lectured.
Coping mechanisms: Withdrawal, manipulation.
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Mod 1 Lesson 5 Assignment 1
“The Young Pope”
Lenny Belardo (Pope Pius XIII)
Hope: Understanding why his parents abandoned him. Fear: Never finding his parents alive.
Want: Revolutionize the church. Need: Respect of Sister Mary and the other Cardinals.
Base Negative Emotion: Self-doubt. Public Mask: All-powerful.
Weakness: Self-centered and arrogant.
Triggers: Being deceived by others; perceiving weakness in others.
Coping mechanisms: Lashing out, using power of position inappropriately.
Cardinal Angelo Voiello
Hope: The Catholic Church is held in high esteem. Fear: He will not be allowed the control he needs to run the Church as only he can.
Want: Recognition as the power behind the papacy. Need: To be useful.
Base Negative Emotion: Pride. Public Mask: Humble servant of the Church.
Weakness: In a subservient position.
Triggers: Being dismissed, being spoken down to.
Coping mechanisms: Spying, conspiring to take down his opposition.
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Bob’s Intriguing Character Layers
What I learned doing this is assignment is that the characters are starting to take on different characteristics as they are explored more deeply.
Title: “Mount Moriah”
Character Name: Daniel Shay
Role: Main Protagonist, Mossad Operative
Hidden Agenda: Seeking revenge for parents’ murder
Competition: Najah Tamra (Terrorist Leader), Avi Tiber (Mossad Bureau Chief)
Conspiracies: with Christine Wade regarding the Temple Mount, with terrorists to assist in his quest for revenge
Secrets: Seeing a psychiatrist, on anti-depressant medication
Deception: Deceiving Avi Tiber, journalists, politicians, and others
Wound: Parents were murdered by terrorists when he was thirteen
Secret Identity: Confused loyalties
Character Name: Christine Wade
Role: Local Leader of the “Rebuild the Temple” Movement
Hidden Agenda: Keep close to Daniel to manipulate him
Competition: with Avi Tiber for access to Daniel, with Frank Breznik (her superior in the movement), with Daniel to control the narrative
Conspiracies: with Daniel Shay regarding the Temple Mount
Secrets: She has a crush on Daniel
Deception: Deceiving Daniel, Frank Breznik
Wound: Husband abandoned her when she found religion
Secret Identity: Bridge to the Messiah
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Assignment 1
“The Young Pope”
Hidden Agendas:
· Lenny Belardo (Pope Pius XIII) wants to find his parents and learn why they abandoned him.
· Sister Mary wants to control Lenny for the good of the Church.
Competition:
· Lenny Belardo is in competition with Cardinal Angelo Voiello for control of the Vatican.
· Sister Mary competes with Cardinal Angelo Voiello as adviser to the Pope.
· Lenny Belardo competes with Cardinal Michael Spencer regarding who should be Pope.
· Lenny Belardo competes with Cardinal Andrew Dissolier for Sister Mary’s favor.
Conspiracies:
· Lenny Belardo conspires with Monsignor Gutierrez, Don Tommaso, and Sofia Dubois.
· Cardinal Angelo Voiello conspires with other Cardinals to create a scandal that will result in the removal of Lenny from the Papacy.
· Sister Mary conspires with Cardinal Michael Spencer to get Lenny to be a more traditional Pope.
Secrets:
· Valente is having an affair with Esther.
· Monsignor Gutierrez is an alcoholic.
· Lenny Belardo has doubts about God’s existence.
· Sister Mary believes Lenny is a literal saint.
· Lenny Belardo has dreams in which he violates Catholic dogma.
Deception:
· Lenny Belardo deceives Don Tommaso in order to have him reveal confessions.
Wound:
· Lenny Belardo was abandoned as a child.
· Cardinal Michael Spencer should have become the Pope instead of Lenny.
Secret Identity:
· Lenny Belardo is an insecure child who may have stopped maturing when he was abandoned.
· Cardinal Angelo Voiello relishes being the political power behind the Vatican.
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Bob’s Elevated Story Beats
What I learned during this assignment is that changing three scenes will result in changing many scenes to make them consistent with any story or character changes in these three scenes.
Title: Eternal Flame
Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.
Scenes to elevate:
Scene 7 – First meeting with Dr. Volger
Scene 28 – Jeff’s meeting with Gwen to learn how to contact Rebecca
Scene 61 – Rebecca and Gwen spend night before the wedding eating ice cream
7. INT. DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY
Purpose of Scene: Explain the process to the audience; have Martin and Amanda commit to start.
a) Martin and Amanda meet the receptionist and are led into Dr. Volger’s office.
b) As they enter, they catch a glimpse of Shirley MacLaine leaving by another door.
c) Volger briefly lectures about patient confidentiality (re: Shirley); he will violate Martin and Amanda’s confidentiality later.
d) Volger serves Chai tea from India (Starbucks will make this famous a few years later).
e) Volger wants to know if they’re believers.
f) Volger explains the theory.
g) Martin and Amanda agree to start.
h) All agree to meet at the church where Martin and Amanda got married.
Elevate: Add a surprise at the end and imply motivation for Volger’s obsession with helping people meet their soulmates in future life.
a) Martin and Amanda meet the receptionist and are led into Dr. Volger’s office.
b) As they enter, they catch a glimpse of Shirley MacLaine leaving by another door.
c) Volger briefly lectures about patient confidentiality (re: Shirley); he will violate Martin and Amanda’s confidentiality later.
d) Volger serves Chai tea from India (Starbucks will make this famous a few years later).
e) Volger wants to know if they’re believers.
f) Volger explains the theory.
g) Martin and Amanda agree to start.
h) All agree to meet at the church where Martin and Amanda got married.
i) Volger states that he lost his soulmate at the same church.
28. INT. LAW OFFICE – DAY
Purpose of Scene: For Jeff to find out how to contact Rebecca.
a) Jeff arrives at law office and confronts receptionist who considers herself den mother to the female attorneys.
b) Gwen arrives and tells Jeff that Rebecca is in court procuring a restraining order for a client.
Elevated: Make more extreme by having Gwen withhold information about how to find Rebecca as long as possible. In the process seed the fact that Gwen is in love with Rebecca’s fiancé, Ken.
a) Jeff arrives at law office and confronts receptionist who considers herself den mother to the female attorneys.
b) Gwen arrives and confronts Jeff saying she would do anything to make sure Ken (and Rebecca) are not hurt.
c) Gwen talks about how great Ken is and how Jeff is scum by comparison.
d) Gwen slips out the fact that Rebecca is also a lawyer and is in court right now getting a restraining order.
e) Jeff says he just wants to talk to Rebecca.
f) Gwen says its not for him; it’s for a client.
61. INT. GWEN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Purpose of Scene: Have Rebecca start to realize she may love Jeff.
a) Gwen and Rebecca eat ice cream the night before the wedding.
b) Gwen talks about how Jeff is a creep.
c) Rebecca counters with she thinks Jeff is romantic.
d) Gwen accidently calls Rebecca a pet name used by Jeff.
e) Gwen tells Rebecca not to let Jeff ruin her wedding.
Elevate: Make more extreme and add a surprise that creates additional conflct.
a) Gwen and Rebecca eat ice cream the night before the wedding.
b) Gwen talks about how Jeff is a creep.
c) Rebecca counters with she thinks Jeff is romantic.
d) Gwen accidently calls Rebecca a pet name used by Jeff.
e) Gwen takes her complements of Ken to an extreme – Rebecca, hearing this, realizes Gwen is in love with Ken but would never act on it.
f) Gwen tells Rebecca not to let anything ruin her wedding.
Revised Beats:
1. EXT. NEW YORK CITY – DAY Amanda and Martin Cole rush to celebrate their anniversary on Thanksgiving Day 1987 in New York. Caught up in the parade, Amanda almost gets hit by a Snoopy balloon and is saved by Martin while the NBC broadcasters comment on the event.
2. INT. STARDUST DINER – DAY Amanda and Martin celebrate their tenth anniversary at the Stardust Diner where up and coming Broadway hopefuls sing show tunes between waiting on tables. Martin gives Amanda opening night tickets to Phantom of the Opera. Amanda speaks of soulmates while Martin gets a feeling of déjà vu from the used pocket watch she gives him. Amanda posits that it would be nice if they could meet in every life.
3. INT. MARTIN’S WORKPLACE – DAY Martin discusses reincarnation with his college buddy and co-worker David. David ribs Martin about his relationship with Amanda. They speculate on whether or not one could direct their souls in a future life.
4. INT. MUSEUM OF MODERN ART – DAY Amanda is at work at the Museum of Modern Art with her best friend Carol. They are putting together a display that features soulmates and twin flames and includes a painting entitled “Love of Souls.” They too speculate on soulmates. Amanda is sure Martin is her soulmate; Carol is sure that she missed her soulmate this life with her husband, Jack.
5. EXT. MINI GOLF COURSE – NIGHT Amanda and Martin are at a miniature golf course on date night. Most of the other patrons are demonstrating they are not soulmates. Martin tells Amanda he has engaged a psychiatrist to train them to recognize each other in future lives.
6. EXT. NEW YORK CITY – DAY Martin and Amanda drive to New York from their suburban home. Along the way they pass the pawn shop where Amanda bought the anniversary present for Martin and signs for the opening of Phantom of the Opera. Martin drives poorly in the tunnel foreshadowing events to come.
7. INT. DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY Martin and Amanda meet Dr. Volger who explains the training process and its eastern religion basis. Dr. Volger reveals he lost a soulmate which contributes to his work choice. Martin and Amanda agree to undergo the process.
8. INT. MARTIN’S WORKPLACE – DAY David kids Martin about being taken by the psychiatrist. Martin shows signs of being “sensitive.”
9. INT. GREENWICH VILLAGE CHURCH – DAY Dr. Volger meets Martin and Amanda at the Greenwich Village church where they were married. He informs them that training requires them to visit spots that were special in their relationship.
10. MONTAGE OF SPECIAL SPOTS TO MUSIC.
· Jersey Shore – splashing in the surf. Martin carries Amanda out of the water.
· Seaside Heights Boardwalk – Martin wins a stuffed blue bear for Amanda by putting a softball in a large jug. Amanda hugs the bear close to her.
· Central Park Lake – Martin and Amanda canoe on the lake.
· McSorley’s Old Ale House – Martin, two ales in hand, guards the door to the unisex bathroom while several desperate male patrons protest. Amanda comes out and Martin hands her an ale.
· Toyota Corolla at Night – Martin and Amanda in a clutch. Martin fixes her hair behind her ear.
· New York City Street Cart – Martin buys a New York pretzel and feeds Amanda.
· Bronx Zoo – Martin and Amanda ride an elephant.
· Madison Square Garden – Martin and Amanda enjoy a rock concert as the music concludes.
11. INT. COLE HOUSE – EVENING Martin and Amanda host a Christmas party with David and his wife, Margie and Carol and her husband, Jack. Couples discuss Dr. Volger’s latest requirement that the couple select totems that remind them of each other. Amanda reveals she chose the pocket watch since it has already been through multiple lives with them.
12. INT. COLE BEDROOM – NIGHT Later at night, Martin reveals his selection for Amanda – the stuffed bear he won for her.
13. INT. DR.VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY Dr. Volger hypnotizes Martin and Amanda and trains them to meditate on their totems.
14. EXT. SIDEWALK CAFÉ – DAY Amanda has coffee with Carol. Amanda is skeptical about the training process but doesn’t want to end it for Martin’s sake. A street gypsy comes to the table and warns them not to mess with destiny.
15. INT, COLE HOUSE – EVENING Martin and Amanda get ready to see Phantom of the Opera.
16. EXT. OUTSIDE MAJESTIC THEATER – NIGHT Martin and Amanda leave the theater after the Phantom. They playfully contemplate getting a room and staying in the city just as their car is delivered and they head home to Jersey as the snow is falling.
17. INT. LINCOLN TUNNEL – NIGHT Martin drives badly through the Lincoln Tunnel. The car gets into an accident and rolls over. Martin and Amanda are killed. (End of Act One)
18. EXT. NEW YORK CITY = NIGHT Establishing the jump to the future.
19. INT. JEFF’S WORKPLACE – DAY Jeff Ash (Martin reincarnate) is approached by his best friend Matt to come out with him for a few beers. Jeff is reluctant but Matt insists.
20. INT. ADAM’S BAR – NIGHT Jeff and Matt at the bar. It is unusually full and packed mostly with women. Another group of women including Rebecca Diamond (Amanda Cole reincarnate) and her best friend and protector, Gwen, arrive. Rebecca is a bit tipsy and trips in front of Jeff. Jeff catches her but before they can really talk, Gwen calls Rebecca over – it’s her bachelorette party. Jeff is totally taken in by Rebecca – he must get to know her. Any move he was going to make is interrupted by the DJ who announces its ladies’ night, and an all-male review is about to start. To meet Rebecca, Jeff steels his nerves with more beer and ends up stripping for her. Gwen, seeing what’s happening cuts it off and moves Rebecca to the seat of honor for the male review.
21. INT. MATT’S APARTMENT – MORNING Jeff wakes up in Matt’s apartment with a hangover and tells Matt he has to find Rebecca.
22. EXT. SIDEWALK CAFÉ – DAY At the same sidewalk café where Amanda and Carol discussed the future. Gwen shows Rebecca a YouTube video of Jeff dancing at her bachelorette party. Rebecca thinks it’s cute as it cuts to:
23. INT. JEFF’S WORKPLACE – DAY Matt and other employees are watching the same YouTube video in the conference room as Jeff enters. Matt hurries to shut off the video. Jeff grabs the remote to see what was on as everyone else snickers and slinks out of the room. Jeff is about to shut off the video when Rebecca’s image lights up the screen.
24. INT. JEFF’S WORKPLACE – DAY Jeff is searching the Internet to try to find the wedding venue for Rebecca.
25. INT. KEN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT Rebecca discusses her bachelorette party with her wealthy fiancé, Ken. Ken gives her a painting for a wedding gift. It’s the “Love of Souls.”
26. INT. ICE HOCKEY RINK – NIGHT Jeff and Matt practice ice hockey. Jeff can’t focus. Matt agrees to help Jeff find Rebecca so she can tell Jeff to get lost.
27. INT. ADAM’S BAR – DAY Matt gets the receipt from the bachelorette party. To get the receipt, Matt promises the bartender that Jeff will dance at the next male review night. The party was paid for by Gwen. The address she left was for her law firm.
28. INT. LAW OFFICE – DAY Jeff goes to confront Gwen and ask to meet Rebecca. Gwen lashes out at Jeff praising Ken way more than necessary. Gwen slips out the fact that Rebecca is a lawyer and is in court getting a restraining order. Jeff finds out that Rebecca is a lawyer also and that she is in court.
29. INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY Jeff goes to the courthouse where Rebecca is obtaining a restraining order for one of her clients. The reasons cited are all things Jeff will attempt later. Jeff asks Rebecca to have a cup of coffee with him and she agrees.
30. EXT. SIDEWALK CAFÉ – DAY Jeff tells Rebecca she is his soulmate. Rebecca tells Jeff that her soulmate is Ken and says goodbye.
31. INT. JEFF’S WORKPLACE – DAY Matt tries to convince Jeff to give it up.
32. EXT. NEW YORK CITY – DAY Jeff takes a walk to clear his head. He passes the Majestic Theater where Phantom of the Opera is still running and finds himself in front of the pawn shop. He is drawn in.
33. INT. PAWN SHOP – DAY Jeff sees the pocket watch (which had been returned to the pawn shop) and asks to see it. When he touches it:
34. FLASHBACK MONTAGE
· Broadway and 51<sup>st</sup> Street – Martin and Amanda with Snoopy bearing down on them.
· Martin and Amanda in front of their fireplace.
· Greenwich Village Church as Martin and Amanda marry.
· Martin and Amanda making love. The stuffed bear totem staring down at them.
· Dr. Volger’s office. The bear is in Martin’s hand as he comes out of a trance. He looks up and sees Dr, Volger’s nameplate.
· Inside the Lincoln Tunnel in a car that is spinning, spinning.
35. INT. PAWN SHOP – DAY Jeff buys the pocket watch.
36. INT. DR. VOLGER;S OFFICE – DAY Jeff finds Dr. Volger, older but recognizable, and convinces Dr. Volger to regress him. After Jeff’s vision, Dr. Volger remembers Jeff as Martin. (Midpoint)
37. INT. DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY Dr. Volger gives Jeff details on Martin and Amanda.
38. INT. NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY – DAY Matt helps Jeff track down information on Martin and Amanda at the New York Public Library. A quirky librarian intermittently helps and hinders the research.
39. INT. COLE HOUSE – NIGHT Jeff and Matt go to New Jersey to speak to the new owners of the old Cole house. The new owners provide information on Amanda’s mother and Martin’s father in exchange for having Jeff and Matt do some of their chores.
40. INT. RETIREMENT HOME – DAY Jeff meets Amanda’s mother, Linda, now eighty-five and living in a retirement home. Linda has the stuffed bear totem and gives it to Jeff.
41. EXT. LAW OFFICE – DAY Jeff sees Rebecca and tries to get her to go see Amanda’s mother. She refuses and calls him a stalker. Jeff tries to get her to take and touch the bear totem. Rebecca grabs it and throws it in the street. On the phone, Matt has been imploring Jeff to get to the office for an important presentation.
42. INT. DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY Jeff is looking for more from Dr. Volger. He learns the firm Martin worked for has moved to Jersey.
43. INT. DAVID’S OFFICE – DAY Jeff tricks his way in to meet David who is now CEO. Jeff tries to convince David that he is Martin reincarnated. David doesn’t initially believe him, but Jeff knows things that only Martin would know.
44. INT. RESTAURANT – DAY Over lunch, David agrees to meet Rebecca and suggests they bring Carol.
45. EXT. SIDEWALK CAFÉ – DAY Jeff waits for Rebecca and gets her to meet David and Carol. No memories are triggered. Rebecca asks David to see to it that Jeff stops stalking her.
46. INT. KEN’S APARTMENT – DAY Rebecca asks Ken if he is her soulmate. Ken says she’s having pre-wedding jitters. Rebecca says she will spend the night before the wedding at Gwen’s apartment.
47. INT. JEFF’S WORKPLACE – DAY Jeff has been fired. Matt consoles him. Time to move on.
48. INT. STANLEY COLE’S HOUSE – DAY Jeff visits Martin’s father Stanley and offers him the pocket watch. Stanley tells him to keep it and find his own Amanda.
49. INT. RETIREMENT HOME – DAY Jeff arrives at the retirement home to give the bear totem back to Linda and sees Rebecca coming out of Amanda’s mother’s room. Rebecca says she decided to see for herself, but meeting Amanda’s mother didn’t trigger any memories.
50. INT. RESTAURANT – DAY Matt tells Jeff he found out where the rehearsal is, and they can crash it if Jeff wants. Jeff laments that maybe Rebecca isn’t his soulmate; maybe Amanda wasn’t either. Matt says Rebecca is probably realizing she is Jeff’s soulmate right now and dumping Ken.
51. INT. KEN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT Rebecca and Ken make fierce passionate love. Rebecca asks Ken if he’ll do something silly for her.
52. INT. DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE – DAY Ken and Rebecca go to Dr. Volger’s office to see if they are soulmates. They talk while waiting for Dr, Volger and decide that this was not a good idea. They leave before Dr, Volger is available. Ken picks up one of Dr. Volger’s business cards.
53. INT. ADAM’S BAR – NIGHT Matt explains his theory of intersecting lives to Jeff based on Star Trek.
54. EXT. MUSEUM OF MODERN ART – NIGHT Ken has rented the Museum of Modern Art for the rehearsal dinner.
55. INT. ADAM’S BAR – NIGHT Back at the bar where he met Rebecca, a series of women are introduced to Jeff by Matt hoping to take his mind off Rebecca. Every time Jeff shakes a woman’s hand, Matt wants to know if there is recognition. One of the women is Sally, who Jeff quickly dismisses. As Jeff leaves the bar, he runs into Sally. Sally invites Jeff to her place for a coffee.
56. INT. MUSEUM OF MODERN ART – NIGHT Rehearsal dinner in full swing at the museum with toasts to soulmates.
57. INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT At Sally’s apartment, Sally and Jeff discuss reincarnation and the possibility of breaking up Rebecca and Ken. When Jeff says that won’t happen, Sally offers herself as a friend and says she’s been drawn to Jeff. Sally goes into how she believes she lived before and died in some sort of accident. This confuses Jeff and he leaves to get some air, promising to come back.
58. EXT. NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT Jeff wanders finding himself ultimately in front of the:
59. EXT. MUSEUM OF MODERN ART – NIGHT Museum of Modern Art where the wedding party is leaving the museum. Rebecca walks toward Jeff, but Ken confronts him first. Rebecca stops him. Jeff apologizes to Rebecca and tells her that if she is his soulmate, he just wants her to be happy. (End of Act Two)
60. INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT Jeff returns to Sally’s apartment. There are still no sparks or recognition, but he ponders. Maybe his pursuit of Rebecca was supposed to lead to Sally.
61. INT. GWEN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT After the rehearsal dinner, Gwen and Rebecca eat from Ben and Jerry tubs. Gwen says Jeff was creepy, but Rebecca says he was kind of romantic. Gwen calls Rebecca by a pet name Jeff called her. Gwen carries on about how wonderful Ken is. Rebecca realizes Gwen loves Ken.
62. INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – MORNING Jeff wakes up at Sally’s apartment after falling asleep on the sofa). Jeff fumbles through the kitchen to find coffee supplies and finds a pile of 3 x 5 index cards. The cards contain information about Martin and Amanda. Sally confesses she was paid five thousand dollars to convince Jeff that she, not Rebecca, was his soulmate. Jeff is convinced this type of money came from Ken Rivers. Sally makes one last effort to say maybe everything that happened was in a round about way meant to get them to meet. Jeff is convinced he must get Rebecca back.
63. EXT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – MORNING Jeff wakes up Matt to help him find the wedding.
64. INT. GREENWICH VILLAGE CHURCH – MORNING Jeff arrives at the church with Matt but is told the wedding was moved at the last minute. When questioned, the priest says an older gentleman donated a sizable sum and that the new location was a secret. The priest describes the man – it is Dr. Volger.
65. INT. DR. VOLGER’S HOME OFFICE – MORNING Jeff confronts Dr. Volger who confesses that Ken offered to fund his research if he provided information on Martin and Amanda Cole and promised not to reveal the location of the wedding. Dr. Volger will not go back on his word to Ken. Jeff convinces Dr.Volger it would be ethical if he hypnotized and progressed Jeff forward in this life so that he could see the location without being told. Dr, Volger agrees.
66. MONTAGE OF IMAGES Flashforward visions. Jeff sees the church in his vision. Ken is in the vision, and he tells Jeff he will be too late to stop the wedding.
67. INT. LIMO – DAY Rebecca and Gwen are in a limo approaching the church. They are blocked by the Thanksgiving Day parade. Rebecca and Gwen get out of the limo to walk the rest of the way.
68. EXT. NEW YORK CITY – DAY Rebecca and Gwen get to the intersection. As the balloons go by, Rebecca sees a modern balloon morph into those from twenty-five years earlier. She starts to step off the curb as a Snoopy balloon barrels towards her. Gwen’s tug brings her back to reality.
69. INT. MATT’S CAR – DAY Matt drives as he and Jeff head into the City.
70. EXT. MATT’S CAR – DAY Matt and Jeff rush through traffic toward the parade route.
71. EXT. MATT’S CAR – DAY Jeff jumps out of the car and heads to the church on foot.
72. INT. MIDTOWN CHURCH – DAY Jeff arrives at the church. The wedding is in progress. Jeff shouts to stop the wedding. The bride and groom turn around to face him. It’s Ken and Gwen.
73. EXT. MIDTOWN CHURCH – DAY Jeff talks with Gwen. Rebecca realized Ken wasn’t her soulmate at the last minute and called off the wedding.
74. EXT. MATT’S CAR – DAY Matt asks Jeff what he plans to do. Jeff says he’ll give Rebecca some space so she can come to her own conclusion about being his soulmate.
75. INT. STARDUST DINER – DAY Jeff sits at the table Martin and Amanda used to celebrate their anniversary twenty-five years ago. Jeff picks up the menu and hears a voice. It is Rebecca saying a line uttered by Martin from that day twenty -five years ago. Jeff gets up and Rebecca says she remembers.
76. EXT. STARDUST DINER – DAY Snoopy floats by as the reunited soulmates kiss. Snoopy appears to be smiling.
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Assignment 2
Bob’s Engaging Main Characters
What I learned from this assignment is that the show is a work in progress and many things will change throughout the course (in this lesson, I changed the sex of one of my main circle characters).
Title: Mount Moriah
Journey: Daniel Shay goes from an angry orphan seeking revenge to an elite intelligence agent acting to best secure the future for his country and descendants.
Characters that sell the show: Daniel Shay and Christine Wade.
Role in the show:
Daniel Shay – American, 26 years old now living in Israel and a Mossad operative, orphaned at 13 when his parents were killed during a terrorist attack while celebrating his Bar Mitzvah in Jerusalem.
Christine Wade – American, about 30 years old, the Christian leader of a rebuild the Temple movement.
Unique Purpose/Expertise:
Daniel Shay – Mossad intelligence agent with his own agenda.
Christine Wade – Religious zealot who influences Daniel.
Intrigue/What is secret beneath the surface:
Daniel Shay – He uses his position and operations to further his drive to exact revenge from the terrorists that killed his parents.
Christine Wade – All of her actions serve to further the possibility of rebuilding the Temple in Jerusalem to hasten the “End of Days.”
Moral Issue/What moral boundaries are they crossing:
Daniel Shay – Using his position and top-secret knowledge to serve his personal agenda.
Christine Wade – She will use any means to bring about the “End of Days.”
Unpredictable/What will they do next:
Daniel Shay – Won’t always follow procedure. In an early scene, he will come face-to-face with a young terrorist and let him go because he believes it will help him track the terrorists responsible for his parents’ deaths.
Christine Wade – Despite claiming to be religious, she will break virtually all the Commandments.
Empathetic/Why do we care:
Daniel Shay – He is an orphan who has been terribly and undeservedly wronged.
Christine Wade – She is working for what she believes is the ultimate good of mankind.
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Assignment 1
“The Young Pope”
Journey: From an abandoned youth to the head of the Catholic Church.
Characters that sell this show: Pope Pius XIII (Lenny Belardo) and Sister Mary.
A. Role in the show
Lenny Belardo: Abandoned child from America who is elected Pope at a young age and who must struggle to find his way.
Sister Mary: Nun who raised Lenny at orphanage who is brought to the Vatican to be his adviser.
B. Unique Purpose/Expertise
Lenny Belardo: To mold the Catholic Church to his vision while dealing with the aftermath of having been abandoned by his parents.
Sister Mary: To assist Lenny with his church duties and continue to act as a pseudo-parent.
C. Intrigue/What’s beneath the surface
Lenny Belardo: He is struggling with his inner demons sometimes using methods that violate church norms.
Sister Mary: She is not fully equipped to be in the position she is in.
D. Moral Issue/What boundaries do they cross
Lenny Belardo: Restructuring the Catholic Church in a way that ignores standard protocol, may set back the Catholic Church centuries, and alienates the faithful.
Sister Mary: Torn between doing Lenny’s bidding and what might be good for the Catholic Church. Willing to go behind Lenny’s back for what she considers a greater good.
E. Unpredictable/What will they do next
Lenny Belardo: Extremely volatile, enjoys disrupting the status quo, and uses his office to intimidate and punish rivals.
Sister Mary: Sometimes steps out of line for her position to challenge Lenny.
F. Empathetic/Why do we care
Lenny Belardo: Abandoned as child and still dealing with the trauma from that experience. In his own way, believes he is bringing the faithful closer to God.
Sister Mary: Selfless nun who raised Lenny and other orphans. Abandons her life in America to answer call to come to the Vatican and help the new Pope.
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Bob’s Scene Ratings
What I learned during this assignment is that high ratings are rare and I’ll to dog deeper to make these more entertaining. What surprised me was the low ratings assigned to interactions with the psychiatrist. I’ll need to do some work on his scenes.
Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.
1. (E7) Amanda and Martin Cole rush to celebrate their anniversary on Thanksgiving Day 1987 in New York. Caught up in the parade, Amanda almost gets hit by a Snoopy balloon and is saved by Martin while the NBC broadcasters comment on the event.
2. (E7) Amanda and Martin celebrate their tenth anniversary at the Stardust Diner where up and coming Broadway hopefuls sing show tunes between waiting on tables. Martin gives Amanda opening night tickets to Phantom of the Opera. Amanda speaks of soulmates while Martin gets a feeling of déjà vu from the used pocket watch she gives him. Amanda posits that it would be nice if they could meet in every life.
3. (E5) Martin discusses reincarnation with his college buddy and co-worker David. David ribs Martin about his relationship with Amanda. They speculate on whether or not one could direct their souls in a future life.
4. (E5) Amanda is at work at the Museum of Modern Art with her best friend Carol. They are putting together a display that features soulmates and twin flames and includes a painting entitled “Love of Souls.” They too speculate on soulmates. Amanda is sure Martin is her soulmate; Carol is sure that she missed her soulmate this life with her husband, Jack.
5. (E7) Amanda and Martin are at a miniature golf course on date night. Most of the other patrons are demonstrating they are not soulmates. Martin tells Amanda he has engaged a psychiatrist to train them to recognize each other in future lives.
6. (E5) Martin and Amanda drive to New York from their suburban home. Along the way they pass the pawn shop where Amanda bought the anniversary present for Martin and signs for the opening of Phantom of the Opera. Martin drives poorly in the tunnel foreshadowing events to come.
7. (E3) Martin and Amanda meet Dr. Volger who explains the training process and its eastern religion basis. Martin and Amanda agree to undergo the process.
8. (E4) David kids Martin about being taken by the psychiatrist. Martin shows signs of being “sensitive.”
9. (E5) Dr. Volger meets Martin and Amanda at the Greenwich Village church where they were married. He informs them that training requires them to visit spots that were special in their relationship.
10. (E9) Montage of special spots to music.
· Jersey Shore – splashing in the surf. Martin carries Amanda out of the water.
· Seaside Heights Boardwalk – Martin wins a stuffed blue bear for Amanda by putting a softball in a large jug. Amanda hugs the bear close to her.
· Central Park Lake – Martin and Amanda canoe on the lake.
· McSorley’s Old Ale House – Martin, two ales in hand, guards the door to the unisex bathroom while several desperate male patrons protest. Amanda comes out and Martin hands her an ale.
· Toyota Corolla at Night – Martin and Amanda in a clutch. Martin fixes her hair behind her ear.
· New York City Street Cart – Martin buys a New York pretzel and feeds Amanda.
· Bronx Zoo – Martin and Amanda ride an elephant.
· Madison Square Garden – Martin and Amanda enjoy a rock concert as the music concludes.
11. (E5) Martin and Amanda host a Christmas party with David and his wife, Margie and Carol and her husband, Jack. Couples discuss Dr. Volger’s latest requirement that the couple select totems that remind them of each other. Amanda reveals she chose the pocket watch since it has already been through multiple lives with them.
12. (E3) Later at night, Martin reveals his selection for Amanda – the stuffed bear he won for her.
13. (E4) Dr. Volger hypnotizes Martin and Amanda and trains them to meditate on their totems.
14. (E7) Amanda has coffee with Carol. Amanda is skeptical about the training process but doesn’t want to end it for Martin’s sake. A street gypsy comes to the table and warns them not to mess with destiny.
15. (E4) Martin and Amanda get ready to see Phantom of the Opera.
16. (E6) Martin and Amanda leave the theater after the Phantom. They playfully contemplate getting a room and staying in the city just as their car is delivered and they head home to Jersey as the snow is falling.
17. (E9) Martin drives badly through the Lincoln Tunnel. The car gets into an accident and rolls over. Martin and Amanda are killed. (End of Act One)
18. (E1) Establishing the jump to the future.
19. (E4) Jeff Ash (Martin reincarnate) is approached by his best friend Matt to come out with him for a few beers. Jeff is reluctant but Matt insists.
20. (E9) Jeff and Matt at the bar. It is unusually full and packed mostly with women. Another group of women including Rebecca Diamond (Amanda Cole reincarnate) and her best friend and protector, Gwen, arrive. Rebecca is a bit tipsy and trips in front of Jeff. Jeff catches her but before they can really talk, Gwen calls Rebecca over – it’s her bachelorette party. Jeff is totally taken in by Rebecca – he must get to know her. Any move he was going to make is interrupted by the DJ who announces its ladies’ night, and an all-male review is about to start. To meet Rebecca, Jeff steels his nerves with more beer and ends up stripping for her. Gwen, seeing what’s happening cuts it off and moves Rebecca to the seat of honor for the male review.
21. (E2) Jeff wakes up in Matt’s apartment with a hangover and tells Matt he has to find Rebecca.
22. (E6) At the same sidewalk café where Amanda and Carol discussed the future. Gwen shows Rebecca a YouTube video of Jeff dancing at her bachelorette party. Rebecca thinks it’s cute as it cuts to:
23. (E7) Matt and other employees are watching the same YouTube video in the conference room as Jeff enters. Matt hurries to shut off the video. Jeff grabs the remote to see what was on as everyone else snickers and slinks out of the room. Jeff is about to shut off the video when Rebecca’s image lights up the screen.
24. (E3) Jeff is searching the Internet to try to find the wedding venue for Rebecca.
25. (E6) Rebecca discusses her bachelorette party with her wealthy fiancé, Ken. Ken gives her a painting for a wedding gift. It’s the “Love of Souls.”
26. (E4) Jeff and Matt practice ice hockey. Jeff can’t focus. Matt agrees to help Jeff find Rebecca so she can tell Jeff to get lost.
27. (E6) Matt gets the receipt from the bachelorette party. To get the receipt, Matt promises the bartender that Jeff will dance at the next male review night. The party was paid for by Gwen. The address she left was for her law firm.
28. (E3) Jeff goes to confront Gwen and ask to meet Rebecca. Jeff finds out that Rebecca is a lawyer also and that she is in court.
29. (E7) Jeff goes to the courthouse where Rebecca is obtaining a restraining order for one of her clients. The reasons cited are all things Jeff will attempt later. Jeff asks Rebecca to have a cup of coffee with him and she agrees.
30. (E6) Jeff tells Rebecca she is his soulmate. Rebecca tells Jeff that her soulmate is Ken and says goodbye.
31. (E4) Matt tries to convince Jeff to give it up.
32. (E3) Jeff takes a walk to clear his head. He passes the Majestic Theater where Phantom of the Opera is still running and finds himself in front of the pawn shop. He is drawn in.
33. (E2) Jeff sees the pocket watch (which had been returned to the pawn shop) and asks to see it. When he touches it:
34. (E6) Flashback Montage
· Broadway and 51<sup>st</sup> Street – Martin and Amanda with Snoopy bearing down on them.
· Martin and Amanda in front of their fireplace.
· Greenwich Village Church as Martin and Amanda marry.
· Martin and Amanda making love. The stuffed bear totem staring down at them.
· Dr. Volger’s office. The bear is in Martin’s hand as he comes out of a trance. He looks up and sees Dr, Volger’s nameplate.
· Inside the Lincoln Tunnel in a car that is spinning, spinning.
35. (E1) Jeff buys the pocket watch.
36. (E4) Jeff finds Dr. Volger, older but recognizable, and convinces Dr. Volger to regress him. After Jeff’s vision, Dr. Volger remembers Jeff as Martin. (Midpoint)
37. (E4) Dr. Volger gives Jeff details on Martin and Amanda.
38. (E6) Matt helps Jeff track down information on Martin and Amanda at the New York Public Library. A quirky librarian intermittently helps and hinders the research.
39. (E6) Jeff and Matt go to New Jersey to speak to the new owners of the old Cole house. The new owners provide information on Amanda’s mother and Martin’s father in exchange for having Jeff and Matt do some of their chores.
40. (E5) Jeff meets Amanda’s mother, Linda, now eighty-five and living in a retirement home. Linda has the stuffed bear totem and gives it to Jeff.
41. (E7) Jeff sees Rebecca and tries to get her to go see Amanda’s mother. She refuses and calls him a stalker. Jeff tries to get her to take and touch the bear totem. Rebecca grabs it and throws it in the street. On the phone, Matt has been imploring Jeff to get to the office for an important presentation.
42. (E3) Jeff is looking for more from Dr. Volger. He learns the firm Martin worked for has moved to Jersey.
43. (E5) Jeff tricks his way in to meet David who is now CEO. Jeff tries to convince David that he is Martin reincarnated. David doesn’t initially believe him, but Jeff knows things that only Martin would know.
44. (E3) Over lunch, David agrees to meet Rebecca and suggests they bring Carol.
45. (E6) Jeff waits for Rebecca and gets her to meet David and Carol. No memories are triggered. Rebecca asks David to see to it that Jeff stops stalking her.
46. (E6) Rebecca asks Ken if he is her soulmate. Ken says she’s having pre-wedding jitters. Rebecca says she will spend the night before the wedding at Gwen’s apartment.
47. (E5) Jeff has been fired. Matt consoles him. Time to move on.
48. (E5) Jeff visits Martin’s father Stanley and offers him the pocket watch. Stanley tells him to keep it and find his own Amanda.
49. (E6) Jeff arrives at the retirement home to give the bear totem back to Linda and sees Rebecca coming out of Amanda’s mother’s room. Rebecca says she decided to see for herself, but meeting Amanda’s mother didn’t trigger any memories.
50. (E4) Matt tells Jeff he found out where the rehearsal is, and they can crash it if Jeff wants. Jeff laments that maybe Rebecca isn’t his soulmate; maybe Amanda wasn’t either. Matt says Rebecca is probably realizing she is Jeff’s soulmate right now and dumping Ken.
51. (E8) Rebecca and Ken make fierce passionate love. Rebecca asks Ken if he’ll do something silly for her.
52. (E7) Ken and Rebecca go to Dr. Volger’s office to see if they are soulmates. They talk while waiting for Dr, Volger and decide that this was not a good idea. They leave before Dr, Volger is available. Ken picks up one of Dr. Volger’s business cards.
53. (E8) Matt explains his theory of intersecting lives to Jeff based on Star Trek.
54. (E1) Ken has rented the Museum of Modern Art for the rehearsal dinner.
55. (E6) Back at the bar where he met Rebecca, a series of women are introduced to Jeff by Matt hoping to take his mind off Rebecca. Every time Jeff shakes a woman’s hand, Matt wants to know if there is recognition. One of the women is Sally, who Jeff quickly dismisses. As Jeff leaves the bar, he runs into Sally. Sally invites Jeff to her place for a coffee.
56. (E5) Rehearsal dinner in full swing at the museum with toasts to soulmates.
57. (E6) At Sally’s apartment, Sally and Jeff discuss reincarnation and the possibility of breaking up Rebecca and Ken. When Jeff says that won’t happen, Sally offers herself as a friend and says she’s been drawn to Jeff. Sally goes into how she believes she lived before and died in some sort of accident. This confuses Jeff and he leaves to get some air, promising to come back.
58. (E3) Jeff wanders finding himself ultimately in front of the:
59. (E7) Museum of Modern Art where the wedding party is leaving the museum. Rebecca walks toward Jeff, but Ken confronts him first. Rebecca stops him. Jeff apologizes to Rebecca and tells her that if she is his soulmate, he just wants her to be happy. (End of Act Two)
60. (E5) Jeff returns to Sally’s apartment. There are still no sparks or recognition, but he ponders. Maybe his pursuit of Rebecca was supposed to lead to Sally.
61. (E7) After the rehearsal dinner, Gwen and Rebecca eat from Ben and Jerry tubs. Gwen says Jeff was creepy, but Rebecca says he was kind of romantic. Gwen calls Rebecca by a pet name Jeff called her. Gwen is clearly a fan of Ken.
62. (E8) Jeff wakes up at Sally’s apartment after falling asleep on the sofa). Jeff fumbles through the kitchen to find coffee supplies and finds a pile of 3 x 5 index cards. The cards contain information about Martin and Amanda. Sally confesses she was paid five thousand dollars to convince Jeff that she, not Rebecca, was his soulmate. Jeff is convinced this type of money came from Ken Rivers. Sally makes one last effort to say maybe everything that happened was in a round about way meant to get them to meet. Jeff is convinced he must get Rebecca back.
63. (E2) Jeff wakes up Matt to help him find the wedding.
64. (E5) Jeff arrives at the church with Matt but is told the wedding was moved at the last minute. When questioned, the priest says an older gentleman donated a sizable sum and that the new location was a secret. The priest describes the man – it is Dr. Volger.
65. (E5) Jeff confronts Dr. Volger who confesses that Ken offered to fund his research if he provided information on Martin and Amanda Cole and promised not to reveal the location of the wedding. Dr. Volger will not go back on his word to Ken. Jeff convinces Dr.Volger it would be ethical if he hypnotized and progressed Jeff forward in this life so that he could see the location without being told. Dr, Volger agrees.
66. (E8) Flashforward visions. Jeff sees the church in his vision. Ken is in the vision, and he tells Jeff he will be too late to stop the wedding.
67. (E6) Rebecca and Gwen are in a limo approaching the church. They are blocked by the Thanksgiving Day parade. Rebecca and Gwen get out of the limo to walk the rest of the way.
68. (E8) Rebecca and Gwen get to the intersection. As the balloons go by, Rebecca sees a modern balloon morph into those from twenty-five years earlier. She starts to step off the curb as a Snoopy balloon barrels towards her. Gwen’s tug brings her back to reality.
69. (E2) Matt drives as he and Jeff head into the City.
70. (E2) Matt and Jeff rush through traffic toward the parade route.
71. (E2) Jeff jumps out of the car and heads to the church on foot.
72. (E6) Jeff arrives at the church. The wedding is in progress. Jeff shouts to stop the wedding. The bride and groom turn around to face him. It’s Ken and Gwen.
73. (E6) Jeff talks with Gwen. Rebecca realized Ken wasn’t her soulmate at the last minute and called off the wedding.
74. (E4) Matt asks Jeff what he plans to do. Jeff says he’ll give Rebecca some space so she can come to her own conclusion about being his soulmate.
75. (E8) Jeff sits at the table Martin and Amanda used to celebrate their anniversary twenty-five years ago. Jeff picks up the menu and hears a voice. It is Rebecca saying a line uttered by Martin from that day twenty -five years ago. Jeff gets up and Rebecca says she remembers.
76. (E6) Snoopy floats by as the reunited soulmates kiss. Snoopy appears to be smiling.
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Bob’s Character Intros
What I learned during this assignment is it helps to rewrite the character intros several different ways. There will probably be more changes as I go along.
1. Beats of Current Character Introductions
The two main characters are introduced at the same time as they meet on their way to an anniversary brunch. They cross the Thanksgiving Day parade route and Amanda almost gets hit by a giant balloon. Originally, the only way I showed character was through action (Amanda was focused to the point of not seeing the balloon; Martin needed to rush to save her.)
2. Select a different type of Introduction
I added some characters to observe the actions of Amanda and Martin and comment on it.
3. Beats of the new Character Introduction
Scene is set at Thanksgiving Day parade 1987.
The NBC broadcast team comments on the parade and balloons.
Amanda and Martin head for their anniversary brunch.
Amanda focuses on Martin and almost gets hit by a Snoopy balloon.
Martin saves Amanda from being hit.
NBC broadcasters comment on the rescue.
4. The Introduction Scene
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY – AFTERNOON
The unmistakable view of the famous skyline. It’s a brisk
November day.
As we move to the city below, we see the magic of the
Christmas season sparkling on the metropolis. On this
particular day, crowds line the streets and traffic comes to
a halt. Children are perched on their parents shoulders or
held in their arms as everyone jockeys for the best position.
A title reads:
NEW YORK CITY – THANKSGIVING DAY – 1987
EXT. BROADWAY AND 51ST STREET – AFTERNOON
We’re in the middle of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as
it heads toward Herald Square. Bands and floats march down
the street intermittently performing their repertoires.
WILLARD SCOTT (V.O.)
It’s a wonderful day for this year’s
parade. I’m coming to you live from
New York with my first time cohost
Mary Hart. Mary is out near Broadway
with some very special guests.
We pull back from the live view of the parade and switch to a
TV view of the NBC broadcast of the parade. We see WILLARD
SCOTT in a suit with a red tie, sunflower in lapel, and gray
fedora. He is holding a microphone.
WILLARD SCOTT
(on TV screen)
Are you there, Mary?
The TV screen switches to MARY HART dressed all in white and
holding her microphone where she is surrounded by PEANUTS
CHARACTERS and JILL SCHULTZ.
As Mary speaks on camera, we see a man and a woman bustling
down the sidewalk from opposite directions with purpose.
He is MARTIN COLE, 33 years old, handsome in a boyish way
despite the full beard he sports. He is wearing a blue coat
with white fraternity letters emblazoned on it. He hasn’t
quite made the entire transition from college to the real
world despite his years out of school.
She is AMANDA COLE, about Martin’s age but could pass for her
twenties. Amanda has dark hair with radiant blue eyes which
right now are focused on Martin, oblivious to the hoopla
around her.
MARY HART
I’m here with Jill Schultz, daughter
of Peanuts creator, Charles Schultz.
Jill will be riding the Peanuts float
for the first time this year along
with all of her friends here.
JILL SCHULTZ
That’s right Mary. Plus we’re
unveiling a new Snoopy giant balloon
this year. This new balloon is over
60 feet tall and weighs almost 350
pounds.
WILLARD SCOTT
We’ll have to cut back on some of
those dog biscuits.
MARY HART
And there he is now, wearing his
brand new red ice skates.
BACK TO LIVE STREET VIEW
Shot of Snoopy balloon as it is directed down the street.
WILLARD SCOTT (O.S.)
Uh-oh, looks like we have a
pedestrian who is not intimidated by
those blades.
On the street, Amanda reaches the intersection and starts to
cross the street, still not paying attention to the parade.
She doesn’t notice the giant SNOOPY balloon and its HANDLERS
headed in her direction. Martin sees this, picks up his pace,
and points at the balloon.
MARY HART (O.S.)
Wait a minute, it looks like she has
a savior.
MARTIN
Love … watch out for Snoopy …
But Amanda can’t hear with all the parade noise. Martin
rushes to the street and grabs his wife out of danger. As he
does, a strand of her hair falls in front of her face.
He brushes it back behind her ear. They laugh as Snoopy
passes safely and then they kiss.
WILLARD SCOTT (O.S)
And the young gentleman who saved her
gets a big smooch in return. I hope
her hubby’s not watching.
AMANDA
(to Martin)
I can just see the headline now –
woman crushed by a fifty foot Beagle.
Think I’m what Lucy would refer to as
a blockhead.
MARTIN
Should have been paying more
attention, Love.
AMANDA
(focusing on Martin)
I was.
Amanda hands Martin a gift-wrapped package.
AMANDA (cont’d)
Happy anniversary, Martin.
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Assignment 2
Bob’s Three Circles of Characters
What I learned from this assignment is that thinking of a cast of characters who will populate your show generates story ideas as you go along.
Main Character Circle:
Daniel Shay – American, 26 years old now living in Israel and a Mossad operative, orphaned at 13 when his parents were killed during a terrorist attack while having his Bar Mitzvah in Jerusalem.
Avi Tiber – Mossad bureau chief who clashes with Daniel but respects his abilities.
Najeh Tamra – Terrorist who participated in the attack that killed Daniel’s parents now a leader in the opposing faction.
Thomas Wade – Christian leader of the rebuild the Temple movement.
Connected Circle:
Stanley Collins – Daniel’s therapist.
Rena Meir – Mossad agent and potential love interest for Daniel.
Chaim Azar – Daniel’s best friend from America, now a rabbi and confidant.
Michael Grossman – Liaison between Mossad and Israeli Defense Force.
Ben & Leah Shay – Daniel’s grandparents who raised him after his parents’ deaths.
Environment Circle:
Soldiers, terrorists, other agents, religious groups, police, politicians, journalists, tourists, locals.
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Assignment 1
“The Young Pope”
Main Character Circle: Pope Pius XIII (born Lenny Belardo), Sister Mary, Cardinal Angelo Voiello, Cardinal Michael Spencer
Connected Circle: Monsignor Gutierrez, Don Tommaso, Sofia Dubois, Cardinal Andrew Dissolier, Valente, Esther, Lenny’s parents
Environment Circle: Nuns, other cardinals and clergy, Swiss Guards, politicians, newspeople, the faithful masses
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“The Young Pope” 5 Star Model
What I learned from this lesson was that intriguing protagonists are extremely competent in their subworld whether or not they have other issues or deficiencies
Big Picture Hook: How will Lenny Belardo, the young pope, disrupt the status quo of the Vatican? The Catholic Church? The World?
Intriguing Character: Lenny is not what you’d expect of a typical pope. He breaks traditions, violates the sanctity of confession, and provides us outsiders with a look at the subworld of Vatican politics and sins.
Empathy/Distress: Lenny is an orphan. He requires Sister Mary, the nun who raised him, at his side in the Vatican. He carries a reminder of his father since he was seven years old.
Layers/Open Loops: How will the conflict play out between Lenny and Cardinal Voiella, the cardinal who had always run the politics of the Vatican? What part will Sister Mary play? What other traditions will Lenny trample? What part will Lenny’s mentor, the man destined to be Pope who tried to commit suicide, play? Will the pipe Lenny has been holding onto for years be important?
Inviting Obsession: On top of the open loops – is Lenny stable, has the Catholic Church installed a pope who doesn’t believe in God?
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Hi. My name is Bob.
I have written seven spec screenplays and a dozen or so episodic spec teleplays. Most of these were written a decade or more ago for shows like Law & Order and The West Wing. Some of these placed well and even won a couple of contests.
I plan on using this course to rework a spec screenplay I wrote years ago into a serial TV show using the old screenplay as source material.
At one point, my wife and I spent four years bi-coastal living between CA and NY, accumulating more than 2 million air miles each.
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Robert Onufer
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Bob’s Character Story Beats
What I learned during this assignment was that each significant character needs his or her own story.
Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.
—————————-Character 1 Story Beats ———————————-
Character Name: Martin Cole/Jeff Ash
Role: Lead Male Character (Past & Reincarnated)
Core Character Traits
– Persistent leading to obsession
– Strong self-esteem/ego
– Romantic
– Determined
Character Subtext Logline: Martin/Jeff is a closet romantic who believes in soulmates despite his outward skepticism.
His Mission: To ensure he connects with his soulmate in all his lives.
Flaw: Martin/Jeff is overly sure of himself even if he may be wrong.
Want: To be married to his soulmate. Need: Release soulmate so she is free to choose him.
Beginning/Middle/End
Beginning: Martin engages Dr. Volger to train Amanda and Martin to recognize each other in future lives.
Middle: After being reincarnated as Jeff, he tries to convince Rebecca she is his reincarnated soulmate.
End: Jeff reconnects with Rebecca in the same location Martin and Amanda celebrated their anniversary.
Story Beats
1. Martin protects Amanda from being run over by a Thanksgiving Day parade float on their way to their anniversary brunch.
2. Martin celebrates his tenth anniversary with Amanda getting a sense of déjà vu from her gift.
3. Martin engages Dr. Volger to train Amanda and him to recognize each other in future lives
4. Martin participates in the training process.
5. Martin dies in an accident before the training is completed. (End of Act I)
6. Martin is reincarnated as Jeff.
7. Jeff meets Rebecca at her bachelorette party and is convinced she is his soulmate.
8. Jeff tracks down Rebecca and tells her she is his soulmate.
9. After being rebuked by Rebecca, Jeff acquires the gift Amanda gave Martin at a pawn shop and visualizes parts of his past life, including Dr. Volger.
10. Jeff locates Dr. Volger who, after hypnosis, recognizes Jeff as Martin.
11. With the assistance of Dr. Volger, Jeff gathers evidence to prove to Rebecca that she is his soulmate.
12. Jeff confronts Rebecca with additional evidence and is again rejected.
13. Jeff’s friend Matt speculates that Jeff must be in the right place to meet his soulmate but maybe it isn’t Rebecca.
14. Jeff meets Sally who tries to convince him that she is his actual soulmate.
15. Jeff tells Rebecca he won’t pursue her anymore and congratulates her on her upcoming wedding. (End of Act II)
16. Jeff learns that Sally is a fraud hired by Rebecca’s fiancé.
17. Jeff confronts Dr, Volger in order to find out where the wedding has been moved to.
18. Jeff races to stop the wedding but is too late. However, Rebecca has called it off.
19. Jeff returns to the diner where Martin and Amanda celebrated their anniversary.
20. Jeff is reunited with Rebecca (End of Movie)
Improvements
Beat 12 where Jeff releases Rebecca. This should be done out of his love for her and not because Sally has placed some doubt in his head. Jeff will decide that her life with her fiancé will be good and that she looks happy.
Beat 15 when Jeff gets to the church, a wedding may be going on but it’s not Rebecca marrying her fiancé; it’s Gwen.
——————————End Character 1———————————-
—————————- Character 2 Story Beats———————————-
Character Name: Amanda Cole/Rebecca Diamond (Past & Reincarnate)
Role: Lead female character.
Core Character Traits
– Strong
– Hopeful romantic
– Thoughtful
– Devoted
Character Subtext Logline: Amanda was happily married to her soulmate. Rebecca is hopeful she is marrying her soulmate but may be settling for a man with enough power and wealth to “tolerate” a strong, successful woman. She is not sure this is love.
Her Mission: To happily marry.
Flaw: Settling for good enough.
Want: Amanda/Rebecca wants to be happily married to her soulmate. Need: To find true love and not just marry.
Beginning/Middle/End
Beginning: Amanda believes in soulmates and participates in training for future life recognition.
Middle: After being reincarnated as Rebecca, she rejects Jeff as her soulmate.
End: A memory triggered by a Thanksgiving Day parade float causes her to call off her wedding and reunite with Jeff.
Story Beats
1. Amanda gets nearly run over by a Thanksgiving Day parade float; Martin saves her.
2. Amanda celebrates her tenth anniversary with Martin and speculates on past lives.
3. Amanda participates in training as specified by Dr. Volger.
4. Amanda questions the wisdom of messing with destiny.
5. Amanda dies in an accident before the training is complete. (End of Act I)
6. Rebecca (Amanda reincarnate) meets Jeff during her bachelorette party.
7. Rebecca speculates that Jeff is cute when watching a YouTube video of her party with her friend, Gwen.
8. Rebecca gets a gift from her fiancé that was first admired by Amanda.
9. Rebecca agrees to have coffee with Jeff.
10. Rebecca rejects Jeff as her soulmate and tells Jeff she is getting married in a few days.
11. Rebecca is confronted by Jeff with “proof of a prior life” and forcefully rejects him.
12. Rebecca meets some of Martin’s and Amanda’s past life friends and fails to feel any recognition.
13. Rebecca asks her fiancé if he is her soulmate.
14. Rebecca meets Amanda’s mother but there is still no recognition.
15. Rebecca asks fiancé to meet with Dr. Volger.
16. Rebecca and fiancé leave Dr. Volger’s office before meeting him. She wants to trust that her fiancé is her soulmate.
17. Rebecca goes to rehearsal dinner at the place Amanda used to work.
18. Rebecca sees Jeff as she leaves the rehearsal dinner. Jeff tells her he won’t pursue her anymore and congratulates her on the upcoming wedding (End of Act II)
19. When spending the night before the wedding at Gwen’s apartment, Rebecca discusses how romantic Jeff’s idea of soulmates is.
20. On her way to her wedding on Thanksgiving Day, Rebecca is almost run over by a float. This triggers her past life memory.
21. Rebecca comes to the diner where Jeff is sitting and repeats a line from the Martin and Amanda scene in the diner. She is reunited with Jeff. (End of Movie)
Improvements
In beat 7, the interaction between Gwen and Rebecca should include a hint that Gwen would like to get together with Rebecca’s fiancé but wouldn’t do anything to her best friend. This will set the stage to allow Gwen and Rebecca’s fiancé to get together later.
In beat 9, Rebecca agrees to have coffee with Jeff. This scene can be moved to a courtroom where Rebecca, a lawyer, is getting a restraining order for a client. This can become a concern for Jeff.
——————————End Character 2———————————-
—————————- Character 3 Story Beats———————————-
Character Name: Dr. William Volger
Role: Psychiatrist who trains couples to meet in future incarnations.
Core Character Traits
– Intelligent
– Polite
– Dedicated to his work above anything else
– A bit eccentric
Character subtext logline: Volger is a stodgy professor type dedicated to his career and the prestige it may one day bring him.
His Mission: To be the most eminent practitioner of far-eastern procedures regarding reincarnation and past and future lives.
Something he doesn’t want others to know about himself: He will sacrifice his clients’ privacy if it benefits his research.
Something unique: He always wears a bowtie.
Beginning/Middle/End
Beginning: Dr. Volger trains Martin and Amanda to recognize each other in future lives.
Middle: Dr. Volger first assists Jeff and then conspires against him in Jeff’s pursuit of Rebecca.
End: Dr. Volger ultimately helps Jeff locate where Rebecca’s wedding is to take place.
Story Beats
1. Dr. Volger meets Martin and Amanda, explains the training process, and takes them on as clients.
2. Dr. Volger hypnotizes Martin and Amanda and teaches them to meditate on totems. (Last appearance in Act I)
3. Dr. Volger meets Jeff and, after hypnosis, recognizes him as Martin.
4. Dr. Volger provides additional information to Jeff regarding Martin and Amanda. (Last appearance in Act II)
5. Jeff confronts Dr. Volger and accuses him of working with Rebecca’s fiancé to prevent Jeff from breaking up the planned wedding.
6. Dr. Volger hypnotizes Jeff and progresses him so he can see where the wedding is being held. (Last appearance in movie)
Improvement
Somewhere within these beats, Dr. Volger will reveal that he was unable to connect with his own soulmate and it is why he has been drawn to this work.
——————————End Character 3———————————-
—————————- Character 4 Story Beats———————————-
Character name: Gwen Stewart
Role: Rebecca’s maid of honor and best friend.
Core Character Traits:
– Protective (to the point of being over-protective)
– Independent
– Good listener
– Realistic
Flaw: Projecting her inner feelings on others which leads to (often) wrong assumptions about their motivations.
Character Subtext Logline: Gwen is a strong woman who believes she intimidates most men and will therefore never have a proper relationship.
Her Mission: To see to it that Rebecca marries her fiancé and run interference against Jeff.
Her World View: Most men are pigs and need to be defended against.
Beginning/Middle/End
Beginning: Gwen throws Rebecca a bachelorette party.
Middle: Gwen stands as guardian of the gate to discourage Jeff’s advances.
End: Gwen steps in and prevents Rebecca from being hit by a float allowing Rebecca’s memories to manifest.
Story Beats
1. Gwen arrives with Rebecca for a bachelorette party at the bar where Rebecca meets Jeff.
2. Gwen separates Rebecca from Jeff at the bachelorette party.
3. Gwen shows Rebecca a YouTube video of the bachelorette party featuring Jeff.
4. Gwen talks to Rebecca about getting cold feet. Gwen offers to threaten Jeff.
5. Gwen sees Jeff as a stalker outside the rehearsal dinner.
6. Gwen and Rebecca talk about soulmates and Jeff’s notion
7. Gwen prevents Rebecca from being hit by a float.
Improvement
Have Gwen be a big fan of Rebecca’s fiancé. Gwen sees men as generally worthless but admires Rebecca’s fiancé. When Rebecca and her fiancé breakup, Gwen steps in and marries him. This would be Beat 8 and would complete her story.
——————————End Character 4———————————-
—————————- Character 5 Story Beats———————————-
Character Name: Ken Rivers
Role: Rebecca Diamond’s fiancé.
Core Character Traits
– Needy
– Deals with things indirectly rather than head-on
– Manipulative
– Awkward with women
Character Subtext Logline: Ken is a wealthy entrepreneur who feels he needs to win Rebecca to boost his self-esteem.
Flaw: Seeing almost everyone as out to get something from him.
His Mission: To marry Rebecca.
His World View: Nobody likes him for who he is but people tolerate him because of his wealth.
Want: To win the battle for Rebecca. Need: To develop self-esteem without the need for an external prize.
Beginning/Middle/End
Beginning: Ken is engaged to be married to Rebecca on Thanksgiving.
Middle: Ken conspires to prevent Jeff from interfering with his wedding.
End: Ken is left at the altar.
Story Beats
1. Ken discusses the bachelorette party with Rebecca; gives her a gift that was one of Amanda’s favorite paintings.
2. Ken discusses soulmates with Rebecca.
3. Ken makes love with Rebecca; agrees to do something silly.
4. Ken and Rebecca wait to discuss soulmates with Dr. Volger but leave before Dr. Volger is available. Ken takes a business card.
5. Ken rents the Museum of Modern Art for the rehearsal dinner.
6. Ken directly confronts Jeff outside the museum.
7. Ken is left at the altar as Jeff arrives.
Improvement
Sprinkle hints throughout of Ken’s attraction to Gwen. In beat 7, Ken will be at altar with bride when Jeff arrives – but it is Gwen, not Rebecca.
——————————End Character 5———————————-
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Bob’s Character Profiles
What I learned during this assignment was there are many alternate ways to tell the story.
Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.
—————————-Begin Character Profile———————————-
Character Name: Martin Cole/Jeff Ash
Role: Lead Male Character (Past & Reincarnated)
Core Character Traits
– Persistent leading to obsession
– Strong self-esteem/ego
– Romantic
– Determined
Character Subtext Logline: Martin/Jeff is a closet romantic who believes in soulmates despite his outward skepticism.
His Mission: To ensure he connects with his soulmate in all his lives.
Flaw: Martin/Jeff is overly sure of himself even if he may be wrong.
Want: To be married to his soulmate. Need: Release soulmate so she is free to choose him.
Elevated Character
Move persistent to obsessive. Jeff shows up at her workplace, restaurants, outside Ken’s apartment. This causes Rebecca to take some action against Jeff (perhaps a restraining order) providing another major obstacle Jeff will have to overcome.
——————————End Character Profile———————————-
—————————-Begin Character Profile———————————-
Character Name: Amanda Cole/Rebecca Diamond (Past & Reincarnate)
Role: Lead female character.
Core Character Traits
– Strong
– Hopeful romantic
– Thoughtful
– Devoted
Character Subtext Logline: Amanda was happily married to her soulmate. Rebecca is hopeful she is marrying her soulmate but may be settling for a man with enough power and wealth to “tolerate” a strong, successful woman. She is not sure this is love.
Her Mission: To happily marry.
Flaw: Settling for good enough.
Want: Amanda/Rebecca wants to be happily married to her soulmate. Need: To find true love and not just marry.
Elevated Character
Move from hopeful romantic to really hopeful romantic. She is intrigued by Jeff’s presence and allows herself to see Jeff a few times. Jeff brings her flowers and fragrances she may be familiar with, music they enjoyed together and other methods trying to reconnect her memories. This allows Rebecca to “fall in love” with Jeff but she ultimately remains faithful to her fiancé. Jeff eventually sets her free to marry her fiancé because he believes it is best for her. This may require an expansion of the time before the wedding.
——————————End Character Profile———————————-
—————————-Begin Character Profile———————————-
Character Name: Dr. William Volger
Role: Psychiatrist who trains couples to meet in future incarnations.
Core Character Traits
– Intelligent
– Polite
– A bit unethical
– Eccentric
Character subtext logline: Volger is a stodgy professor type dedicated to his career and the prestige it may one day bring him.
His Mission: To be the most eminent practitioner of far-eastern procedures regarding reincarnation and past and future lives.
Something he doesn’t want others to know about himself: He will sacrifice his clients’ privacy if it benefits his research.
Something unique: He always wears a bowtie.
Elevated Character
Have Volger’s need for prestige goes to an extreme. Once he realizes Jeff is a reincarnated Martin, he conspires with Rebecca’s fiancé to get his work published while preventing Jeff from breaking up the wedding.
——————————End Character Profile———————————-
—————————-Begin Character Profile———————————-
Character name: Gwen Stewart
Role: Rebecca’s maid of honor and best friend.
Core Character Traits:
– Protective (to the point of being over-protective)
– Independent
– Good listener
– Realistic
Flaw: Projecting her inner feelings on others which leads to (often) wrong assumptions about their motivations.
Character Subtext Logline: Gwen is a strong woman who believes she intimidates most men and will therefore never have a proper relationship.
Her Mission: To see to it that Rebecca marries her fiancé and run interference against Jeff.
Her World View: Most men are pigs and need to be defended against.
Elevated Character
Add jealousy to Gwen’s traits. While Gwen sees most men as worthless, her feelings about Rebecca’s fiancé are different. Gwen would love to be marrying Ken but is loyal to Rebecca. When Rebecca starts questioning Ken about the wedding, Ken comes to Gwen for advice. This allows Gwen and Ken to fall in love while working together to preserve Ken’s and Rebecca’s upcoming wedding. When Rebecca and Jeff ultimately get together, Ken has Gwen. Since neither of these characters are “bad” guys, this may be an appropriate side story. Everyone is looking for that one love.
——————————End Character Profile———————————-
—————————-Begin Character Profile———————————-
Character Name: Ken Rivers
Role: Rebecca Diamond’s fiancé.
Core Character Traits
– Needy
– Deals with things indirectly rather than head-on
– Manipulative
– Awkward with women
Character Subtext Logline: Ken is a wealthy entrepreneur who feels he needs to win Rebecca to boost his self-esteem.
Flaw: Seeing almost everyone as out to get something from him.
His Mission: To marry Rebecca.
His World View: Nobody likes him for who he is but people tolerate him because of his wealth.
Want: To win the battle for Rebecca. Need: To develop self-esteem without the need for an external prize.
Elevated Character
Ken goes from manipulative to stopping Jeff at any cost. Ken uses his power and money to have Jeff kidnapped rather than just trying to trick Jeff to drop Rebecca. This would have to fail since Jeff must relinquish Rebecca of his own accord because he loves her more than he needs to possess her. It could make for some scenes in which Ken at least contemplates taking more drastic action.
——————————End Character Profile———————————-
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Bob’s Story Beats
What I learned during this assignment was to use other scenes to help inform future scenes.
Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.
1. EXT. – NEW YORK CITY THANKSGIVING 1987 – BROADWAY AND 51<sup>ST</sup> STREET
Amanda and Martin Cole are rushing from different directions to meet for their tenth anniversary. Amanda is crossing the Thanksgiving Day parade route and is almost taken out by a giant Snoopy balloon. She is rescued by Martin and they enjoy a laugh.
2. INT. – BROADWAY DINER
Amanda and Martin exchange anniversary gifts. She gives him a pocket watch she bought at a pawn shop. He gives her tickets to the opening of Phantom of the Opera premiering on Broadway in January 1988. Amanda says she believes they are eternal soulmates and have been married many times in many lives before. Skeptic Martin gets a sense of déjà vu when he touches the pocket watch and reads the inscription. Amanda notes that in some lives they miss each other, and wouldn’t it be nice if they always reunited.
3. INT. – FOSTER AND ANDERSON ENGINEERS
Martin’s college buddy and co-worker David (who procured the Phantom tickets) discuss his anniversary lunch and Amanda’s contention regarding soulmates. They speculate (in a scientific way) if one can direct their souls in future lives.
4. INT. – NEW YORK MUSEUM OF MODERN ART
Amanda works at the museum with her best friend Carol. They are putting together a display that features soulmates and twin flames and includes a painting entitled “Love of Souls.” They too speculate on soulmates. Amanda is sure Martin is her soulmate; Carol is sure that she missed her soulmate this life with her husband, Jack.
5. INT. – COLE HOUSE
A quiet evening by the fireplace. Martin tells Amanda he has engaged a psychiatrist to train them to recognize each other in future lives.
6. EXT. – TRIP TO NEW YORK FROM NEW JERSEY VIA ROUTE 3 AND LINCOLN TUNNEL
Martin and Amanda drive to New York from their suburban home. Along the way they pass the pawn shop where Amanda bought the pocket watch and signs for the opening of Phantom of the Opera. Martin drives poorly in the tunnel foreshadowing events to come.
7. INT. – DR. VOLGER’S BUILDING, WAITING ROOM, AND OFFICE
Dr. Volger explains the training process and its eastern religion basis. Martin and Amanda agree to undergo the process of training.
8. INT. – FOSTER AND ANDERSON ENGINEERS
David kids Martin about being taken by the psychiatrist. Martin shows signs of being “sensitive.”
9. INT. – GREENWICH VILLAGE CHURCH (WERE MARTIN AND AMANDA WERE MARRIED)
Dr. Volger informs Martin and Amanda that training requires them to visit spots that were special in their relationship.
10. MONTAGE OF SHOTS TO MUSIC (Eternal Flame by the Bangels)
· Jersey Shore – splashing in the surf. Martin carries Amanda out of the water.
· Seaside Heights Boardwalk – Martin wins a stuffed blue bear for Amanda by putting a softball in a large jug. Amanda hugs the bear close to her.
· Central Park Lake – Martin and Amanda canoe on the lake.
· McSorley’s Old Ale House – Martin, two ales in hand, guards the door to the unisex bathroom while several desperate male patrons protest. Amanda comes out and Martin hands her an ale.
· Toyota Corolla at Night – Martin and Amanda in a clutch. Martin fixes her hair behind her ear.
· New York City Street Cart – Martin buys a New York pretzel and feeds Amanda.
· Bronx Zoo – Martin and Amanda ride an elephant.
· Madison Square Garden – Martin and Amanda enjoy a rock concert as the music concludes.
11. INT. – COLE HOUSE FAMILY ROOM
Martin and Amanda host a Christmas party with David and his wife, Margie and Carol and her husband, Jack. Couples discuss Dr. Volger’s latest requirement that the couple select totems that remind them of each other. Amanda reveals she chose the pocket watch since it has already been through multiple lives with them.
12. INT. – COLE BEDROOM
Martin reveals his selection for Amanda – the stuffed bear he won for her.
13. INT. – DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE
Dr. Volger hypnotizes each of them and trains them to meditate on the totems.
14. EXT. – NEW YORK SIDEWALK CAFÉ
Amanda has coffee with Carol. Amanda is skeptical about the training process but doesn’t want to end it for Martin’s sake. A street gypsy comes to the table and warns them not to mess with destiny.
15. INT. – COLE BEDROOM
Martin and Amanda get ready to see Phantom of the Opera.
16. EXT. – OUTSIDE MAJESTIC THEATER
Martin and Amanda leaving the theater after the Phantom. They playfully contemplate getting a room and staying in the city just as their car is delivered and they head home to Jersey as the snow is falling.
17. EXT. – TRAVELING THROUGH LINCOLN TUNNEL (END OF ACT ONE)
Martin drives badly through the tunnel. The Corolla gets in an accident and rolls over. Martin and Amanda are killed. Fade to white.
18. EXT. – NEW YORK CITY – TWENTY-FIVE YEARS LATER – ONE WEEK BEFORE THANKSGIVING
Establishing the jump to the future.
19. INT. – YOUNG AND ASSOCIATES OFFICE
The building is the same one formerly occupied by Foster and Anderson Engineers. Jeff Ash (Martin reincarnate) is approached by his best friend Matt to come out with him for a few beers. Jeff is reluctant but Matt insists.
20. INT. – ADAM’S BAR
Jeff and Matt at the bar. It is unusually full and packed mostly with women. Another group of women including Rebecca Diamond (Amanda Cole reincarnate) and her best friend and protector, Gwen, arrive. Rebecca is a bit tipsy and trips in front of Jeff. Jeff catches her but before they can really talk, Gwen calls Rebecca over – it’s her bachelorette party. Jeff is totally taken in by Rebecca – he has to get to know her. Any move he was going to make is interrupted by the DJ who announces its ladies’ night and an all-male review is about to start. To meet Rebecca, Jeff steels his nerves with more beer and ends up stripping for her. Gwen, seeing what’s happening cuts it off and moves Rebecca to the seat of honor for the male review.
21. INT. – MATT’S APARTMENT
Jeff wakes up with a hangover and tells Matt he has to find Rebecca.
22. EXT. – NEW YORK SIDEWALK CAFÉ
Same café where Amanda and Carol discussed the future. Gwen shows Rebecca a YouTube video of Jeff dancing at her bachelorette party. Rebecca thinks it’s cute as it cuts to:
23. INT. – YOUNG AND ASSOCIATES OFFICE
Matt and other employees are watching the same YouTube video in the conference room as Jeff enters . Matt hurries to shut off the video. Jeff grabs the remote to see what was on as everyone else snickers and slinks out of the room. Jeff is about to shut off the video when Rebecca’s image lights up the screen.
24. INT. – YOUNG AND ASSOCIATE OFFICE
Jeff is searching the Internet to try to find the wedding venue for Rebecca.
25. INT. – KEN RIVERS’ PENTHOUSE APARTMENT
Rebecca discusses her bachelorette party with her wealthy fiancé, Ken. Ken gives her a painting for a wedding gift. It’s the “Love of Souls.”
26. INT. – ICE HOCKEY RINK
Jeff and Matt practice ice hockey. Jeff can’t focus. Matt agrees to help Jeff find Rebecca so she can tell Jeff to get lost.
27. INT. – ADAM’S BAR
Matt gets the receipt from the bachelorette party. To get the receipt, Matt has to promise Jeff will dance at the next male review night. The party was paid for by Gwen.
28. INT. – LAW OFFICE
Jeff goes to confront Gwen and ask to meet Rebecca. Jeff meets Rebecca instead as she works with Gwen. Rebecca agrees to have a cup of coffee with Jeff.
29. EXT. – NEW YORK SIDEWALK CAFÉ
Jeff tells Rebecca she is his soulmate. Rebecca tells Jeff that her soulmate is Ken and says goodbye.
30. INT. – YOUNG AND ASSOCIATES
Matt tries to convince Jeff to give it up.
31. EXT. – BROADWAY
Jeff takes a walk to clear his head. He passes the Majestic Theater where Phantom of the Opera is still running and finds himself in front of the pawn shop. He is drawn in.
32. INT. – KING PAWN SHOP
Jeff sees the pocket watch (which had been returned to the pawn shop) and asks to see it. When he touches it:
33. MONTAGE OF IMAGES
· Broadway and 51<sup>st</sup> Street – Martin and Amanda with Snoopy bearing down on them.
· Martin and Amanda in front of their fireplace.
· Greenwich Village Church as Martin and Amanda marry.
· Martin and Amanda making love. The stuffed bear totem staring down at them.
· Dr. Volger’s office. The bear is in Martin’s hand as he comes out of a trance. He looks up and sees Dr, Volger’s nameplate.
· Inside the Lincoln Tunnel in a car that is spinning, spinning.
34. INT. – KING PAWN SHOP
Jeff buys the pocket watch.
35. EXT./INT. – DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE (MIDPOINT)
Jeff finds Dr. Volger, older but recognizable, and convinces Dr. Volger to regress him. After Jeff’s vision, Dr. Volger remembers Jeff as Martin.
36. INT. – DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE
Dr. Volger gives Jeff details on Martin and Amanda.
37. INT. – NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY
Matt helps Jeff track down information on Martin and Amanda.
38. INT. – OLD COLE RESIDENCE
The new owners of the Cole house provide information on Amanda’s mother and Martin’s father.
39. INT. – RENAISSANCE HOUSE
Jeff meets Amanda’s mother, Linda, now eighty-five. Linda has the stuffed bear and gives it to Jeff.
40. EXT. – LAW OFFICE (INTERCUT WITH MATT ON PHONE)
Jeff sees Rebecca and tries to get her to go see Amanda’s mother. She refuses and calls him a stalker. Jeff tries to get her to take and touch the bear totem. Rebecca grabs it and throws it in the street. On the phone, Matt has been imploring Jeff to get to the office for an important presentation.
41. INT. – DR. VOLGER’S OFFICE
Jeff looking for more from Dr. Volger. He learns that Martin worked for Foster and Anderson and that the firm moved to Jersey.
42. INT. – FOSTER AND ANDERSON NEW JERSEY OFFICE
Jeff tricks his way in to meet David who is now CEO of Foster and Anderson. Jeff tries to convince David that he is Martin reincarnated. David doesn’t initially believe it but Jeff knows things that only Martin would know.
43. INT. – CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN
David agrees to meet Rebecca and suggests they bring Carol.
44. EXT. – NEW YORK SIDEWALK CAFÉ
Jeff waits for Rebecca and gets her to meet David and Carol. No memories are triggered. Rebecca asks David to see to it that Jeff stops stalking her.
45. INT. – KEN RIVERS’ PENTHOUSE APARTMENT
Rebecca asks Ken if he is her soulmate. Ken says she’s having pre-wedding jitters. Rebecca says she will spend the night before the wedding at Gwen’s apartment.
46. INT. – YOUNG AND ASSOCIATES OFFICE
Matt comforts Jeff. Time to move on.
47. INT. – STANLEY COLE’S HOUSE
Jeff visits Martin’s father Stanley and offers him the pocket watch. Stanley tells him to keep it and find his own Amanda.
48. INT. – RENAISSANCE HOUSE
Jeff arrives to give the bear totem back to Linda and sees Rebecca coming out of Amanda’s mother’s room. Rebecca says she decided to see for herself, but meeting Amanda’s mother didn’t trigger any memories.
49. INT. – BROADWAY DINER
Matt tells Jeff he found out where the rehearsal is, and they can crash it if Jeff wants. Jeff laments that maybe Rebecca isn’t his soulmate; maybe Amanda wasn’t either. Matt says Rebecca is probably realizing she is Jeff’s soulmate right now and dumping Ken Rivers.
50. INT. – KEN RIVERS’ PENTHOUSE APARTMENT
Rebecca and Ken make fierce passionate love. Rebecca asks Ken if he’ll do something silly for her.
51. INT. – DR. VOLGER’S WAITING ROOM
Ken and Rebecca are there to see if they are soulmates. They talk while waiting for Dr, Volger and decide that this was not a good idea. They leave before Dr, Volger is available. Ken picks up one of Dr. Volger’s business cards.
52. INT. – ADAM’S BAR
Matt explains his theory of intersecting lives to Jeff based on Star Trek.
53. EXT. – NEW YORK MUSEUM OF MODERN ART
Ken has rented the museum for the rehearsal dinner.
54. INT. – ADAM’S BAR
A series of women are introduced to Jeff by Matt hoping to take his mind off Rebecca. Every time Jeff shakes a woman’s hand, Matt wants to know if there is recognition. One of the women is Sally, who Jeff quickly dismisses. As Jeff leaves the bar, he runs into Sally. Sally invites Jeff to her place for a coffee.
55. INT. – NEW YORK MUSEUM OF MODERN ART
Rehearsal dinner in full swing with toasts to soulmates.
56. INT. – SALLY’S APARTMENT
Sally and Jeff discuss reincarnation and the possibility of breaking up Rebecca and Ken. When Jeff says that won’t happen, Sally offers herself as a friend and says she’s been drawn to Jeff. Sally goes into how she believes she lived before and died in some sort of accident. This confuses Jeff and he leaves to get some air, promising to come back.
57. EXT. – NEW YORK CITY
Jeff wanders finding himself ultimately in front of the:
58. EXT. – NEW YORK MUSEUM OF MODERN ART (END OF ACT TWO)
Where the wedding party is leaving the museum. Rebecca walks toward Jeff, but Ken confronts him first. Rebecca stops him. Jeff apologizes to Rebecca and congratulates her on her marriage.
59. INT. – SALLY’S APARTMENT
Jeff is back – still no sparks or recognition – but maybe. Maybe his pursuit of Rebecca was supposed to lead to Sally.
60. INT. – GWEN’S APARTMENT
Gwen and Rebecca eat from Ben and Jerry tubs. Gwen says Jeff was creepy, but Rebecca says he was kind of romantic. Gwen calls Rebecca by a pet name Jeff called her.
61. INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT
Jeff wakes up at Sally’s (nothing happened – just fell asleep on the sofa). Jeff fumbles through the kitchen to find coffee supplies and finds a pile of 3 x 5 index cards. The cards contain information about Martin and Amanda. Sally confesses she was paid five thousand dollars to convince him that she, not Rebecca, was his soulmate. Jeff is convinced this type of money came from Ken Rivers. Sally makes one last effort to say maybe everything that happened was in a round about way meant to get them to meet. Jeff is convinced he must get Rebecca back.
62. EXT./INT. – MATT’S APARTMENT/SALLY’S APARTMENT
Jeff wakes up Matt to help him find the wedding.
63. EXT./INT. – GREENWICH VILLAGE CHURCH
Jeff arrives at the church with Matt but is told the wedding was moved at the last minute. When questioned, the priest says an older gentleman donated a sizable sum and that the new location was a secret. The priest describes the man – it is Dr. Volger.
64. EXT./INT. – DR. VOLGER’S HOME OFFICE IN SECAUCUS NEW JERSEY
Jeff confronts Dr. Volger who confesses that Ken Rivers offered to fund his research if he provided information on Martin and Amanda Cole and promised not to reveal the location of the wedding. Dr. Volger will not go back on his word to Ken Rivers. Jeff convinces Dr.Volger it would be ethical if he hypnotized and progressed Jeff forward in this life so that he could see the location without being told. Dr, Volger agrees.
65. INT./EXT. – JEFF’S VISION
Jeff sees the church in his vision. Ken Rivers is in the vision, and he tells Jeff he will be too late to stop Rebecca from being Ken’s wife.
66. INT. – LIMO
Rebecca and Gwen are in a limo approaching the church. They are blocked by the Thanksgiving Day parade. Rebecca and Gwen get out of the limo to walk the rest of the way.
67. EXT. – BROADWAY AND 51<sup>ST</sup> STREET
Rebecca and Gwen get to the intersection. As the floats go by, Rebecca sees a modern floats morph into those from twenty-five years earlier. She starts to step off the curb as a Snoopy float barrels towards her. Gwen’s tug brings her back to reality.
68. EXT./INT. – LINCOLN TUNNEL
Matt drives as he and Jeff head into the City.
69. EXT. – NEW YORK CITY
Matt and Jeff rush through traffic toward the parade route.
70. EXT. – BROADWAY AND 51<sup>ST</sup> STREET
Jeff jumps out of the car and heads to the church on foot.
71. EXT./INT. – MIDTOWN CHURCH
Jeff arrives but it’s quiet – he looks at his pocket watch – too late. Ken is alone in the church. Rebecca called off the wedding saying Ken wasn’t her soulmate.
72. INT. – MIDTOWN CHURCH
Matt asks Jeff what he plans to do. Jeff says he’ll give Rebecca some space so she can come to her own realization.
73. INT. – BROADWAY DINER
Jeff sits at the table Martin and Amanda used to watch the parade twenty-five years ago. Jeff picks up the menu and hears a voice. It is Rebecca saying a line uttered by Martin in the opening scene. Jeff gets up and Rebecca says she remembers.
74. EXT. – BROADWAY DINER (THROUGH THE WINDOW)
Snoopy floats by as the reunited soulmates kiss. Snoopy appears to be smiling.
I separated out the following beats:
Scene 5 – The purpose of this scene is to have Martin tell Amanda about the psychiatrist. I thought this scene was too passive and reset it on date night which is referenced in Scene 3. I set date night at a miniature golf course where other couples are clearly demonstrating they are not soulmates.
Scene 27 – The purpose of this scene is for Jeff to get Rebecca’s full name. Originally, Jeff’s friend Matt learns that the party was paid for by Rebecca’s maid of honor, Gwen. I revised it to provide Rebecca’s name as well. In the current version of beats, Jeff meets Rebecca when he calls on Gwen. This seemed too much of a coincidence.
Scene 28 – The purpose of this scene is to have Jeff meet Rebecca for the first time after her bachelorette party and ask her out for coffee. Rather than set this in Rebecca’s place of work (a law firm) where she just shows up, I reset this in a courthouse where Rebecca is obtaining a restraining order for a client. This raises the stakes if Rebecca views Jeff as a stalker. (This is labeled 28a as Jeff still goes to the law office in Scene 28 and finds out Rebecca is in court.)
Scene 37 – The purpose of this scene is for Jeff to obtain more information about his past life so he can find more “clues” by visiting people still alive that knew Martin and Amanda. It is still set in the public library, but I added a quirky librarian for some (hopefully) comic effect.
Scene 38 – The purpose of this scene is to have Jeff and Matt learn more information about Martin’s and Amanda’s parents. It is still set in the old house that belonged to Martin and Amanda, but instead of passively drinking tea and being informed by the old couple who now own the house, Matt and Jeff must do chores for the information.
Revised Beats:
5. EXT. – MINIATURE GOLFLAND
Martin and Amanda are out on date night trying to enjoy a round of miniature golf. The course is packed with other couples who are yelling, fighting, and throwing golf balls. Amanda notes that this is not a collection of soulmates. Martin makes the decision to move forward with a psychiatrist to train them to recognize each other in future lives. He doesn’t want to take a chance at coming back as one of the other couples.
27. INT. – ADAM’S BAR
Matt gets the receipt from the bachelorette party and the name of the bride-to-be, Rebecca Diamond. To get the name, Matt had to promise Jeff would dance in the next male-review at the bar.
28a. INT. – COURTHOUSE
Jeff goes to the courthouse where Rebecca is forcefully obtaining a restraining order for one of her clients. She notes that the alleged stalker followed her client to work, bars, and restaurants. Jeff, now forewarned about what Rebecca might do, approaches her anyway and asks her out for coffee.
37. INT. – NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY
Matt and Jeff search the archives for information on Martin and Amanda. A quirky librarian alternately helps and hinders their efforts.
38. INT. – COLE HOUSE
Jeff and Matt meet the new owners of the Cole house and ask questions regarding what happened to the Coles. The older couple living in house require the men to do their household chores for the information. Jeff and Matt leave with the knowledge of where Amanda’s mother and Martin’s father are now living.
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Bob’s Logline & Basic Structure
What I learned during this assignment was moving away from initial choices can prove to be difficult.
Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.
OPENING: Martin and Amanda Cole celebrate their tenth anniversary at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade in New York in 1987. Amanda believes she and Martin have been married in past lives, but Martin is a skeptic. Nonetheless, Martin gets a strange sense of déjà vu when he opens Amanda’s present – a pocket watch previously inscribed.
INCITING INCIDENT: Martin decides, as a gift to Amanda, to hire a psychiatrist for performs progressive therapy to train Amanda and him to find each other in their next life.
BY PAGE 10: Martin is determined to provide a path so he and Amanda find each other life after life.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE: Martin and Amanda die in a traffic accident in the Lincoln Tunnel. Their training to find each other in their next life is incomplete.
MID-POINT: Jeff Ash (Martin Cole reincarnated twenty-five years later) has met Rebecca Diamond (Amanda Cole reincarnated twenty-five years later) at her bachelorette party and has an unshakable feeling she is his soulmate. At the mid-point Jeff has found the pocket watch from the Opening Scene and reconnects with the psychiatrist who recognizes Jeff as his former patient, Martin. Jeff is now completely convinced he must connect with his soulmate, Rebecca.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT TWO: Since the Mid-Point, Jeff has failed at convincing Rebecca she is Amanda even after showing her several “proofs.” He has asked her to visit Amanda’s mother, now in a nursing home, hoping this would convince her, but Rebecca has refused his request to do so. Jeff visits Amanda’s mother one more time and sees Rebecca is there. Rebecca tells Jeff she is sorry, but Amanda’s mother didn’t trigger anything. Rebecca says good-bye to Jeff for good and moves on with her planned wedding.
CLIMAX: Jeff meets Sally who behaves as though she is his soulmate. Sally knows things about Jeff’s past as Martin only Amanda would know. Jeff is confused until he discovers pictures and a collection of index cards outlining the details of Martin’s and Amanda’s life. Sally is a fraud hired by Rebecca’s fiancé to distract Jeff.
RESOLUTION: Thanksgiving Day and the Macy’s parade. While Jeff tracks down the old psychiatrist who is now working with Rebecca’s fiancé to order to find out where the wedding has been moved to, Rebecca proceeds to her wedding venue crossing the parade route in a repeat of the Opening Scene. Jeff gets to the church too late to stop the wedding, but Rebecca has called it off. Jeff returns to the diner where Martin and Amanda celebrated their tenth anniversary. Rebecca shows up and repeats a line spoken by Martin in the Opening Scene.
For second attempt – revise Second Turning Point and Climax to have Jeff be the one to give up Rebecca because he wants the best for her.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT TWO: Jeff meets Sally who behaves as though she is his soulmate. Sally knows things about Jeff’s past as Martin only Amanda would know. Jeff is confused and unsure as to whether Rebecca is his soulmate, but he knows he loves her. Paramount to Jeff is his not wanting to hurt Rebecca. Jeff leaves Sally’s apartment and wanders about collecting his thoughts. Jeff comes upon Rebecca and her wedding party coming from their rehearsal dinner. Jeff approaches Rebecca and congratulates her on her marriage and retreats to his own life.
CLIMAX: Jeff returns to Sally. Jeff is still confused and unsure if Sally is his actual soulmate. The feeling he had with Rebecca isn’t there. Looking for a drink in Sally’s kitchen, Jeff discovers pictures and a collection of index cards outlining the details of Martin’s and Amanda’s life. Sally is a fraud hired by Rebecca’s fiancé to distract Jeff.
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Bob’s Logline & One Page Synopsis
What I learned during this assignment was to keep it simple.
Title: Eternal Flame
Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.
This is Serendipity meets The Vow.
Synopsis
Martin and Amanda Cole are celebrating their tenth anniversary – one thousandth and tenth according to Amanda as she believes they have been married many times in past lives. Skeptical Martin, eager to please Amanda, engages a psychic/doctor of eastern religions to help he and Amanda recognize each other in future lives. The process involves the completion of numerous rituals designed to have their dying thoughts focused on each other in order to direct their reincarnated bodies in the next life. The process is interrupted when the couple are prematurely killed in a traffic accident.
Twenty-five years later, Martin, reincarnated as Jeff Ash, meets Rebecca Diamond, the reincarnated Amanda Cole, at her bachelorette party. Jeff can’t shake the feeling that Rebecca is his soulmate, but Rebecca is oblivious. Jeff tracks down Rebecca and tries to convince her she is his soulmate. Rebecca, her best friend and protector Gwen Stewart, and her fiancé wealthy Ken Rivers try to ward off Jeff. Jeff, with the often-reluctant help of his best friend Matt Thompson, gradually piece together Martin and Amanda’s old life, ultimately finding clues to try to convince Rebecca she is Amanda reincarnate.
Rebecca is not convinced and Gwen views Jeff as a stalker, but it is when Ken Rivers uses his power and money to buy off the psychic used by Martin and Amanda that Jeff may have to finally come to the realization that Rebecca may not be his soulmate after all and give her up.
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Robert Onufer
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Hi. My name is Bob and I am also a recent retiree.
I have written seven screenplays and a dozen or so episodic spec teleplays. Most of these were written a decade or more ago.
I’m looking to this course to provide incentive to focus on a nonlinear rewrite of one of more more recent scripts.
At one point, my wife and I spent four years bi-coastal living between CA and NY, accumulating more than 2 million air miles each.
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Name: Robert Onufer
I have written seven screenplays and about a dozen spec teleplays.
I am looking to have this course focus me on a non-linear rewrite.
I am a recently retired engineer who took a shot a screenwriting what seems like a lifetime ago. During that attempt I entered and placed in several contests winning two of them, including one sponsored by the American Film Institute.
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Robert Onufer
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Brandi,
Looking to do the producer/writer section of Lesson 6. If this works for you, we can set up a time to talk and play the two roles.
Thanks,
Bob
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Pam,
I think I can still work the parade into the script although I’m not sure I need to. Originally, the trigger for her memory to return was the Snoopy balloon. As the rewrite progresses, I have Rebecca falling in love with Jeff on his own merits. The Snoopy balloon was also part of the opening and closing images. If Snoopy is not part of the opening image, I may not need him as the closing image.
The character traits for Martin & Jeff are similar though not exact; same for Amanda & Rebecca
Thanks,
Bob
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Pam,
I have been working on a backstory for Dr. Volger involving his soulmate as well as a complementary backstory for Gwen. This will result in some changes in character traits.
The subtext longline method you cited will be very helpful. Thank you.
Best regards,
Bob
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Pamela,
Thank you for your insightful comments, I very much appreciate them.
I looked at the link you provided. There are some interesting pieces of artwork. I believe there are a number of paintings entitled “Love of Souls.” When Ken gives the painting to Rebecca, I see that as a serendipitous event and a déjà vu moment for Rebecca. At this point in the story, Ken doesn’t know about Volger – he doesn’t even know Jeff is a rival.
As I am working on my character traits, I see Volger as not quite ethical. He would sell out his clients if it meant getting more prestige (or funding). Also, Ken has an army pf lawyers working for him. Since Volger is working with Ken, he’s not afraid of Jeff threatening to sue (which he does).
I thought something was missing at the end as well. I have been playing with the idea of Ken getting together with the maid of honor, Gwen. Neither of them are bad people and it rounds out the story in that everyone is looking for a special love.
Looking forward to reading your beat sheet.
Best,
Bob
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Pamela,
This is to be a romantic comedy. I haven’t had a chance to rewatch “50 First Dates” yet but I plan to do so soon.
Thanks again,
Bob
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Hi Pamela,
I like your story – it’s a fresh twist on the protagonist hiding out from the bad guys. I am looking forward to see what you do with the dog stories as I think this will allow for some comic moments.
I liked the fact that your revised opening gets to the inciting incident sooner, but I would leave some of the information you include in your first version in the revision. This will allow you to set up the rivalry and motivation of the antagonist and meet some supporting characters before Henri goes on the run.
In the First Turning Point, you mention a character named Jared. I didn’t see this character mentioned earlier and wasn’t sure who he was or how he fit in.
Looking forward to reading more about your story.
Best regards,
Bob
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Hi Pamela,
Thank you for your comments. I will rewatch “50 First Dates” as it’s been a while since I last saw it.
I have read your Assignment and will be posting some comments on your story as well
Thanks again,
Bob