[Ronald Neustrom]

Lesson 14 Treatment in Scenes -Ron Neustrom

This is what I learned…Keeping 2 hours of story in your head at all times when your writing has been a challenge for me. To break a complex thriller into manageable pieces has been my goal. This assignment was the last piece of the puzzle. This lesson forced me to make some concrete choices but allowed enough flexibility that I didn’t feel overwhelmed. I could get the global view as well as the flow for each portion of the story. I began with the 3-act structure and identified those markers. But then I realized my structure was more of 6 acts. It fell into place and seemed natural. This lesson was the best way to see my story from the outside as a whole.

Title – A Danger to Themselves

The Pitch – A single mother with two teenage girls is killed by her date and her daughters are put into the system. After 10 years their mother’s body is recovered and one of the girls has devoted her life to exposing their mother’s killer.

Treatment in Scenes (6 Modules)

ADTT The Treatment by Scenes and Modules

1. Int. San Diego Harbor Restaurant – Afternoon

Ana Cruz, a single mother, has brought along her two daughters to meet her date. He invited them to a swank oceanside restaurant to impress them. After dinner he says he forgot his wallet and makes Ana pay.

2. Ext. Gary’s Boat -Evening

Ana’s daughters, Jewel and Vivian have a great time. Gary is using the girls to get to Ana, and it is working. We suspect but might be wrong that Gary is using Ana for something.

3. Ext. Harbor Parking Lot- Night

Ana sees Gary get into an argument with a mystery woman but explains it away. Nevertheless, the girls had a great time and she wouldn’t mind seeing him again.

4. Ext. Junior High School -Morning

Ana drops the girls off and discovers someone has hacked her credit card account. She calls Gary because she has no-one else. We realize she is absolutely alone, and Gary is probably her only hope. However, we remember Gary’s use of the card the day before in the restaurant. He might be the one responsible for it.

5. Ext. Bank -Morning

Gary listens as Ana explains the credit card company called her about fraudulent charges. She explains she thinks thieves have taken money from her. She reveals she made a police report of the incident. Gary subdues her with a drugged cloth and clears all the evidence of their interactions.

6. Ext. Oceanside Cliff – Day

Gary has killed Ana and guides her car off a cliff into the ocean. Never to be found.

7. Ext. Junior High School – Evening

Ana’s daughters – Vivian and Jewel sit on the front curb alone, before finally deciding to go find someone for help. They walk into the darkness of the Navy base in the distance.

End of Module 1
Module 2
(Ana’s body is discovered)
1. Int. San Diego Crisis Hotline Center – Night (10 years later)

Vivian, 25, is working with several other volunteers when a call comes in with a suicidal mother. Vivian picks up and puts the conversation on the overhead speakers.

Vivian is trying desperately to talk the woman down, especially when she discovers her young daughter is with her.

2. Int. Apartment – Continuous

The woman is contemplating killing her daughter and giving up because of an abusive boyfriend.

3. Ext. Apartment- Continuous

Vivian is desperately trying to keep the woman from doing any harm to herself or the child. She has orchestrated San Diego Sheriff toward the apartment.

4. Int. San Diego Crisis Center – Continuous

San Diego Sheriff calls and gives all clear. The center erupts. Vivian has demonstrated a high level of skill in working with people in crisis. Frances tells her Jewel is getting out.

5. Int. Parole Hearing – Day

Jewel is sitting in front of a panel wearing prison attire. The panel reads some of the things Jewel has done that put her prison. Most are violent and fueled with anger. The second part discusses her achievements. They are profound. They show a gifted individual. Unexpectantly she is paroled.

6. Ext. Prison Parking Lot – Day

Vivian surprises Jewel and picks her up as she leaves prison.

7. Ext. Ana’s Outreach- Afternoon

Vivian brings her to the Outreach, and they are met by Kaye. Kaye doesn’t instill confidence working with Vivian. He doubts the programs effectivesness.

8. Ext. Derelict House – Later

Vivian is dropping off Jewel at her house. She questions Jewel’s choices as she meets her drug dealer boyfriend.

9. Ext. Jewel’s Parole Office – Day

Outside of Jewel’s parole office Kaye greets Jewel. Gives her a chance to give back. Then threatens her.

10. Ext. Escondido Cliff -Day

Two boys snorkeling and fishing stumble upon Ana’s body in her submerged car.

End of module 2 – – – Ana’s Body is recovered

Module 3 Scenes
(Jewel is almost killed in drug sting)

1. Int. The Agave House – Day

Kaye interrupts an important meeting with the Big 3 to inform Mayor Doud that Ana’s body has been recovered.

2. Int. Hotline- Day

Kaye stops by to inform Vivian about their mother’s body. She thinks he is there to tell her Jewel is dead.

3. Ext. Morgue Parking Lot – Afternoon

Frances meets Vivian to help identify the body.

4. Int. Morgue –

After difficulties in examining the body Vivian almost breaks down when she finally gets to the remains of her mother.

5. Ext. Morgue – Later

Jewel finally shows up as Vivian is leaving. Explains she knows their mother was killed. She knows who was connected.

6. Int. San Diego – City Hall – Day

Vivian is there to turn in some grant forms for her Outreach when Doud comes out. Says she is sorry about her mother. Says she knew her. They worked in the same department. Let her know if she needs anything. Vivian asks her “What happened when she disappeared? Can I get the file?” Doud says she will try to help.

7. Int. Vivian’s Apartment – Night

When she gets home there is a file on her kitchen table. It shows Ana filed a report. The file is from Jewel.

8. Int. Kaye’s Sedan – Night

Kaye has brought Jewel in as an. She is wearing a wire.

9. Int. Derelict House-Night

The operation is really a setup to kill Jewel. Jewel somehow escapes.

End of Module 3
Jewel escapes from Drug Sting

Module 4
*Jewel has just escaped the drug sting
(Vivian and Jewel encounter DUI checkpoint)

1. The Agave House – Day

Doud finds out Jewel is looking into Ana’s death. She assigns more personnel to the problem. Be creative…this is where we need something pervasively technical.

2. Int. Vivian’s Apartment – Night

Jewel has left her a signal to Vivian she’s okay. To meet somewhere safe.

3. Ext. Harbor Parking Lot – Night

Jewel meets with Vivian. They disagree on what to do. Agree to bring Frances in.

4. Ext. Church – Day

They get Frances to help.

5. Int. City Hall – Day

Frances uses old connections to get access. She uncovers some evidence and tries to bring it out. She never gets it to the Vivian and Jewel.

6. Ext. Frances House -Night

Vivian finds Frances dead.

7. Int. Hotline – Day

Jewel contacts Vivian so she can meet up with her.

8. Ext. Downtown San Diego—Night

An Uber picks up Vivian. Jewel is also inside.

9. Ext. San Diego _ Night

Jewel gives Vivian evidence on who killed their mother.

10. Ext. DUI Checkpoint – Night

They notice a DUI checkpoint ahead. Kaye and other deputies surround the Uber. Vivian is taken and Jewel escapes.

End of Module 4

Vivian captured at DUI checkpoint. Jewel escapes.

Module 5

*We are just coming out of the checkpoint gone awry.
(Vivian and Jewel kills Gary)

11. Int. Sheriff Sedan – Night

Gary is in communication with Doud. She instructs him to give Vivian a ride in the desert. Vivian begins to remember who Gary is. The man who dated their mother and gave them a ride on the boat.

12. Ext. Desert Highway – Night

Gary finds a lonely area and tries to make a call. His phone doesn’t work.

13. Int. Sedan – Night

The sedan shuts down and Gary takes out his gun. He holds it to Vivian’s head. He senses something is amiss.

14. Ext. Sedan -Night

Jewel overtakes Gary. (to be determined…more detatils)

15. Ext. Desert-Night

Jewel has bound and tied up Gary. She begins to talk about what the Aztecs did to their enemies. Slowly and using torture she tries to extract a confession out of Gary. He doesn’t give it up.

The anger in Vivian has swelled. They kill Gary. She questions how Jewel did it. A group of Jewel’s friends from prison take the body away.

Module 6

1. Int. Doud’s Bedroom – Night

She finds Gary’s finger on the nightstand.

2. Ext. Ana’s Outreach – Morning

Vivian parks and takes a box out of the car. She is approached by a vendor for a coffee. She stops under the Marquee – ” Ana’s Outreach.”

Proudly she enters her new business.

• This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – DAY 13 HW Misdirection

What I learned is…The thriller map is a complex tool that contains many, many elements. Misdirection is one of them. For the audience a well-played misdirection can signal the writer’s high skill level and control over their art. The downside is that a misdirection not played well can confuse and dilute. This is the balancing act that we, as writers are trying to navigate…holding audience attention without being confusing or banal. Misdirection has been key for many successful stories. If used well can add a level of excitement and engagement that producers will be drawn to.

1. The Red-Herring character(s) are The Miranda Men. (Gary and Kaye). They are victims of Doud…Scared of her retribution. She holds their careers in her hands. As long as they cooperate, they will be allowed to work/live. They are police who have made mistakes, and their secrets will stay secret unless they don’t cooperate. We fall for Gary being a killer. And he is…however he is being threatened too. Jewel traced the money back to Kaye. He is the second Miranda to be used. A Miranda is a patsy. A trained killer who is innocent because if they don’t kill then they will be killed.
2. The Villain’s Plan…Margaret Doud, Mayor of San Diego, head of the Big 3. The Big 3 are the San Diego Local Government Heads. City, County, and Navy. They created the Mirandas because political donors wanted something for their money. Favors. The Big 3 needed a layer of protection. San Diego is unique because it is Border, Military, and local government. The donors might be Cartel connected. They also needed the money and the power. If something goes wrong…the Mirandas will be liable not the Big 3. Ana, Jewel, and Vivian stepped right into their cruel agenda.
3. The Cover-up for each Mystery.
– The Big Mystery: Who killed Ana? Coverup – Ana was killed by a boyfriend stealing her identity. We see her killing by Gary Gilmour. Jewel has returned with evidence that her mother was tricked and stolen from. Gary was a Miranda Man. They kill enemies of Mayor Doud and the Big 3. Ana was a whistle blower. She was killed because of what she uncovered and not because Gary wanted to steal from her. That was the coverup. Except Kaye and Gary got greedy. They kept the money. This will lead Jewel to them.
– 2nd Mystery: Why did Jewel come back to San Diego? – Coverup –To get help from Frances on her parole. She came back for treatment. She came back to work with police so they can help with her parole. She came back to expose her mother’s killer.
– 3rd Mystery – Who are the Miranda Men? Coverup – They are just SD Deputies on special assignment. They are a budget line on a city ledger. Ana uncovered the line item. They are supervised by Mayor Doud and the Big 3. They are highly trained deputies. They are deputies with a criminal history. The Mayor holds something over each of them. They kill for her or else. She kills for the Big 3. Kaye (Miranda 2) gets assigned to the Outreach to reign in/monitor/take out Jewel and Vivian.
– Misdirection (clue) – When they discover Ana’s body – the files will say suicide. They have a suicide note. Jewel has other information.
– Misdirection (character) – A. Jewel. She has returned to complete her parole with Frances. (Really to uncover their mother’s murderer.) B. Mayor Doud – A big Supporter of Vivian’s Outreach. (Really using Vivian and the Outreach as a cover for her Miranda Men) C. Kaye is the Deputy Mentor for Vivian. (Really there to find Jewel and kill her.)
– Misdirection (dialogue) – Mayor Doud – “We are here to support your Outreach. This is exactly what our community needs.”

***ps. If interested in my revised thriller map see lesson 12 posting.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom Day 12 Clue Trails

What I learned is…part of the artistry of the thriller is when to be overt or covert. Sometimes we need to be heavy handed with our clues, so the audience doesn’t get confused. Also, I found it interesting that you opened with clarifying the difference between reveals vs. clues. According to Hal…a reveal is a dramatic moment and a clue nudges the story into the future. The specifics about these pieces of the script can be difficult until we actually have to man up and start writing the pages. To me it’s like going to Europe on a three-week vacation and knowing what you are going to have for breakfast on the twelfth day. This stuff takes a lot of vision, soul searching, and knowledge of character and world. Pulled out of context feels odd and sometimes forcing a character into something they might not chose but has to happen because it is time for it to happen. Making it seem natural is a big part of the skill.

Mysteries from My Story

1. Big Mystery – Why was Ana killed?
2. Why has Jewel returned to San Diego after 10 years?
3. Who are The Miranda Men?
4. Is Mayor Doud responsible for Ana’s death?

Mystery – Why was Ana killed?
End result – Margaret Doud had Ana killed because she uncovered a group of deputies who killed the Mayor’s political opponents (The Miranda Men).

*Clue Trail for Big Mystery

– We see Ana killed by Gary Gilmour.
– Gary is a professional hitman and why would a professional target a single mother? (Clue 1)
– Her two daughters are placed in the system and have returned after two very different experiences. (Clue 2)
– One helps people with their mental crisis and the other is a parolee from prison.
– Vivian is assigned to help her sister.
– Jewel escapes and refuses Vivian’s help. (Clue 3)
– Vivian finds out Jewel is living with a drug dealer and setting him up for police. (Clue 4)
– Jewel is almost killed in a drug sting. (Clue 5)
– Vivian finds out her sister has returned to bring their mother’s killer to justice.
– Their mother’s body is discovered. (Clue 6)
– Jewel has evidence the Miranda Men are involved.
– They try to kill Vivian. (Clue 7)
– Ana was a whistleblower (Clue 8)
– Vivian and Jewel discover Mayor Doud created the Miranda Men.
– Ana, their mother discovered the Mayor had a group of deputies to kill political opponents – The Miranda Men. (Clue 9)
– Ana was killed by Doud to protect her secret. (Clue 10)

Latest Thriller Map 12

Opening – A single mother going on a first date with a co-worker and her two daughters.

Life threatening 1 (Twist – 9. A trust is violated, 1. Something planned for doesn’t happen) – Her date steals her credit card.
Life Threatening 2 – Ana finds out the card is stolen and notifies the police. (Twist – 4. A New problem occurs)
Mystery #1 – Who stole her card? Was it really her date? Why?
Life Threatening 3 – She calls her date, Gary to come help her because she doesn’t suspect him and doesn’t have anyone else.
Mystery #2 – Why did Gary remove all evidence and drug Ana? (Twist – 5. A lie is uncovered, Twist 11. It just got more dangerous.)
Reveal 1 – We see Gary as a friendly date, but Gary is really a trained killer. (Clue 1)
Villain’s Plan 1(Twist 11. It just got more dangerous.) – Hide Ana’s evidence/body.
Life Threatening 4/Catalyst – Gary kills Ana and drives her car off a cliff w/body.
Life Threatening 5 – (Twist 6. New Consequences emerge) Her daughters are left alone not knowing what happened to their mother.
Reveal #2 -Gary kills Ana and her two daughters are put into the system.
Overall Big Mystery – Why was Ana killed?
Mystery #3 -What is going to happen to Vivian and Jewel now?

Inciting Incident – 10 years later and Ana’s daughters have taken 2 very different paths from the system. Vivian has flourished to help people and police during crisis. Jewel ended up spiraling downward and going to prison. Jewel has returned to Vivian’s life and moved in with a known drug dealer. Vivian takes it upon herself to try and help her. (Clue 2)
(Shorthand – Jewel comes back into Vivian’s life after being separated for 10 years)

Life Threatening 1 – Vivian works at a Suicide Hotline and gets a call.
Mystery #4 – Is the caller her sister?
Distrust – Sister returns from tragic past with little explanation
Mystery #5 – Why did her sister return to San Diego?
Reveal #3 – 10 years later Vivian and Jewel come out of the system changed.
Life Threatening 2/Mystery #6 – Jewel moves in with a drug dealer.
Trust – The mayor is sponsoring her new business
Distrust – Kaye doesn’t like assignment w/Vivian
Life Threatening 3 (Twist 10. We see an unexpected side of someone.)– Vivian is opening a business working with police and people in crisis.
Mystery #7 – Who are her new police contacts?
Trust – Jewel asks Vivian for help
Life Threatening 4 – She suspects Jewel called the hotline to be helped. Gets her into a facility.
Mystery #8 – How will Jewel respond to Vivian’s help?
Trust – She assigned Vivian to help her sister as a test case
Distrust – Jewel breaks rules of treatment (Clue 3)
Life Threatening 5 (Twist 6. A lie is uncovered) – Vivian uncovers Jewel has agreed to work with Sheriff Kaye’s Unit as an informant against her drug dealing boyfriend. (Clue 4)
Distrust – Kaye doesn’t tell Vivian he is working with her sister.
Distrust – Jewel working w/Kaye as a CI
Mystery #9 – Why is Jewel working with Police?
Life Threatening 6/Mystery 10 – Jewel escapes rehab.
Distrust – Sister is almost killed during undercover assignment
Life Threatening 7/Mystery 11 – Jewel is almost killed on her first Informant assignment with Kaye. Flees the scene. Why did they try to kill Jewel? (Clue 5)
Distrust – Jewel almost killed during operation
Distrust – Doud insists she find her sister
Villain’s Plan #2 – Kill Jewel.
Distrust – Doud tries to kill Jewel

TP#1 – Deputy Kaye and Alex try to kill Jewel at a stakeout.

Life Threatening 1 – Vivian tries to track a missing Jewel.
Mystery 12 – Is Jewel still alive?
Distrust – Kaye wants to find Jewel
Life Threatening 2 – Frances gets Vivian files about her disappearance.
Life Threatening 3 – Discovers Jewel is alive and in hiding from a covert group.
Mystery #13 – Who is Jewel hiding from?
Trust – Jewel returns w/explanation
Reveal #4 – Jewel is positioning herself to uncover Ana’s killer.

MP – Ana’s body is recovered. (Clue 6)

Life Threatening 1 – Frances is found dead.
Mystery 14 – Who killed Frances?
Life Threatening 1 – Reports/Evidence/Surveillance reveal someone killed Ana.
Mystery 15 – Who killed Ana?
Distrust – Jewel shows her evidence that Doud was the trigger person on Ana’s killing (Clue 7)
Life Threatening 2(Twist 1. Something unplanned for happens) – Jewel reveals to Vivian Ana was a whistleblower. (Clue 8)
Mystery 16 – What did Ana expose as a whistleblower?

TP #2 – The Miranda Men make an attempt on Vivian’s Life.

Distrust – Doud tries to kill Vivian.
Mystery 17 – Who tried to kill Vivian?
Villain’s Plan 3 – Kill Vivian.
Life Threatening 1 – Mayor orders the Miranda Men to kill The Loco Girls (Vivian and Jewel).
Reveal #5 – Margaret is positioning herself to protect her secret by using Vivian to weaken Jewel.

Villain’s Plan 4 – The Mayor created the Miranda Men to fend off threats. Ana found out.
Reveal #6 – Margaret created the Miranda Men for protection. (Clue 9)
Distrust- Kaye is killed by Doud
Mystery 18 – Will The Miranda Men kill them?
Life Threatening 2 – The Miranda Men surround the Agave House.
Reveal #7 – The Miranda Men are trying to kill Vivian and Jewel to protect their secret. (Clue 10)
Trust – Jewel saves Vivian from hit attempt by Doud.
Reveal #8 – Margaret won’t stop until Vivian and Jewel are dead.

Crisis – Vivian decides to help her sister fight the Miranda Men.
Reveal #9 – Margaret is going to use Gary to take the fall for Ana.
Twist – The Mayor is killed.
Reveal #10 – Miranda Men kill Margaret.
Climax – Vivian and Jewel escape.

Resolution –They have a funeral on the beach for their mother.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom Day 11 Reveals

What I learned is…Reveals are two parts. The coverup and then the reveal. However, they produce many emotions for the audience (MIS). Jordan Peele talks about the connection between comedy and horror being the reveal. They are both based in quality reveals. GET OUT!, THE BOURNE IDENTITY, MICHAEL CLAYTON, etc. these provide a master class in reveals. This is the part we need to learn to control and understand on the deepest levels because this is at the heart of the relationship between the story and the audience. You generate quality reveals and you show everyone you have it. These are the goods. Think of the beginning of Breaking Bad. A good reveal explodes off the screen. They had 10. It keeps the audience interested and shows everyone you are in control.

3 Reveals I am discussing at length

1. My main character’s single mother was killed by her date. The reveal is that the man who kills her is expertly trained. It got covered up as an innocent date, but it was really an elaborate part of The Villain’s plan. The MIS used is at the heart of my story…why would this single mother get killed in this way. It is THE BIG MYSTERY…Why was Ana killed? This reveal has several parts. The transformation for my main character is…she never really suspected her mother was killed. What would you do with that information? Her sister has a different reaction to the killing. The question becomes who was responsible for her mother’s killing. And Why? It is like… why did Bourne lose his memory. What does he do about it? The answer has many parts. This is just one part and it is called a reveal.
2. Jewel has returned after 10 years to expose their mother’s killer. The coverup is that she is struggling mentally. However, she uses this cover to get inside with the people she believes are responsible for their mother’s death. She must use her sister’s resources jeopardizing her sister’s career.
3. Margaret Doud created Miranda to protect herself from political threats and Ana discovered their existence. Ana was an unknowing whistleblower and that’s what got her killed. The reveals are connected to The Big Mystery. Ana killed..why? Her daughter returned why? Vivian was dragged into this mystery and found what? My reveals are designed to propel the story forward and keep things interesting for the audience. When someone is killed what lies on the other side? Truby says…A thriller is a combination of Detective and Horror, is about uncovering the killer while escaping his attacks. I think there is some truth to this idea for a quality thriller. The reveals need to ratchet up the danger. Finding out the truth might get you killed. That is the design I am striving for.

Latest Thriller Map – Day 11

Opening – A single mother going on a first date with a co-worker and her two daughters.

Life threatening 1 (Twist – 9. A trust is violated, 1. Something planned for doesn’t happen) – Her date steals her credit card.
Life Threatening 2 – Ana finds out the card is stolen and notifies the police. (Twist – 4. A New problem occurs)
Mystery #1 – Who stole her card? Was it really her date? Why?
Life Threatening 3 – She calls her date, Gary to come help her because she doesn’t suspect him and doesn’t have anyone else.
Mystery #2 – Why did Gary remove all evidence and drug Ana? (Twist – 5. A lie is uncovered, Twist 11. It just got more dangerous.)
Reveal 1 – We see Gary as a friendly date, but Gary is really a trained killer.
Villain’s Plan 1(Twist 11. It just got more dangerous.) – Hide Ana’s evidence/body.
Life Threatening 4/Catalyst – Gary kills Ana and drives her car off a cliff w/body.
Life Threatening 5 – (Twist 6. New Consequences emerge) Her daughters are left alone not knowing what happened to their mother.
Reveal #2 -Gary kills Ana and her two daughters are put into the system.
Overall Big Mystery – Why was Ana killed?
Mystery #3 -What is going to happen to Vivian and Jewel now?

Inciting Incident – 10 years later and Ana’s daughters have taken 2 very different paths from the system. Vivian has flourished to help people and police during crisis. Jewel ended up spiraling downward and going to prison. Jewel has returned to Vivian’s life and moved in with a known drug dealer. Vivian takes it upon herself to try and help her.
(Shorthand – Jewel comes back into Vivian’s life after being separated for 10 years)

Life Threatening 1 – Vivian works at a Suicide Hotline and gets a call.
Mystery #4 – Is the caller her sister?
Distrust – Sister returns from tragic past with little explanation
Mystery #5 – Why did her sister return to San Diego?
Reveal #3 – 10 years later Vivian and Jewel come out of the system changed.
Life Threatening 2/Mystery #6 – Jewel moves in with a drug dealer.
Trust – The mayor is sponsoring her new business
Distrust – Kaye doesn’t like assignment w/Vivian
Life Threatening 3 (Twist 10. We see an unexpected side of someone.)– Vivian is opening a business working with police and people in crisis.
Mystery #7 – Who are her new police contacts?
Trust – Jewel asks Vivian for help
Life Threatening 4 – She suspects Jewel called the hotline to be helped. Gets her into a facility.
Mystery #8 – How will Jewel respond to Vivian’s help?
Trust – She assigned Vivian to help her sister as a test case
Distrust – Jewel breaks rules of treatment
Life Threatening 5 (Twist 6. A lie is uncovered) – Vivian uncovers Jewel has agreed to work with Sheriff Kaye’s Unit as an informant against her drug dealing boyfriend.
Distrust – Kaye doesn’t tell Vivian he is working with her sister.
Distrust – Jewel working w/Kaye as a CI
Mystery #9 – Why is Jewel working with Police?
Life Threatening 6/Mystery 10 – Jewel escapes rehab.
Distrust – Sister is almost killed during undercover assignment
Life Threatening 7/Mystery 11 – Jewel is almost killed on her first Informant assignment with Kaye. Flees the scene. Why did they try to kill Jewel?
Distrust – Jewel almost killed during operation
Distrust – Doud insists she find her sister
Villain’s Plan #2 – Kill Jewel.
Distrust – Doud tries to kill Jewel

TP#1 – Deputy Kaye and Alex try to kill Jewel at a stakeout.

Life Threatening 1 – Vivian tries to track a missing Jewel.
Mystery 12 – Is Jewel still alive?
Distrust – Kaye wants to find Jewel
Life Threatening 2 – Frances gets Vivian files about her disappearance.
Life Threatening 3 – Discovers Jewel is alive and in hiding from a covert group.
Mystery #13 – Who is Jewel hiding from?
Trust – Jewel returns w/explanation
Reveal #4 – Jewel is positioning herself to uncover Ana’s killer.

MP – Ana’s body is recovered.

Life Threatening 1 – Frances is found dead.
Mystery 14 – Who killed Frances?
Life Threatening 1 – Reports/Evidence/Surveillance reveal someone killed Ana.
Mystery 15 – Who killed Ana?
Distrust – Jewel shows her evidence that Doud was the trigger person on Ana’s killing
Life Threatening 2(Twist 1. Something unplanned for happens) – Jewel reveals to Vivian Ana was a whistleblower.
Mystery 16 – What did Ana expose as a whistleblower?

TP #2 – The Miranda Men make an attempt on Vivian’s Life.

Distrust – Doud tries to kill Vivian.
Mystery 17 – Who tried to kill Vivian?
Villain’s Plan 3 – Kill Vivian.
Life Threatening 1 – Mayor orders the Miranda Men to kill The Loco Girls (Vivian and Jewel).
Reveal #5 – Margaret is positioning herself to protect her secret by using Vivian to weaken Jewel.
Villain’s Plan 4 – The Mayor created the Miranda Men to fend off threats. Ana found out.
Reveal #6 – Margaret created the Miranda Men for protection.
Distrust- Kaye is killed by Doud
Mystery 18 – Will The Miranda Men kill them?
Life Threatening 2 – The Miranda Men surround the Agave House.
Reveal #7 – The Miranda Men are trying to kill Vivian and Jewel to protect their secret.
Trust – Jewel saves Vivian from hit attempt by Doud.
Reveal #8 – Margaret won’t stop until Vivian and Jewel are dead.

Crisis – Vivian decides to help her sister fight the Miranda Men.
Reveal #9 – Margaret is going to use Gary to take the fall for Ana.
Twist – The Mayor is killed.
Reveal #10 – Miranda Men kill Margaret.
Climax – Vivian and Jewel escape.

Resolution –Vivian and Jewel have a memorial on the beach for their dead mother.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – Day 10 Trust/Distrust Relationships

What I learned doing this assignment is…keeping all the moving parts in order to a complicated thriller is a big undertaking. I wondered why I struggled with juggling all the balls before and now it is becoming painfully clear. There are a tremendous number of moving parts in a thriller. Now I understand why there are so few good ones produced. They are extremely difficult to write. But Hal has once again given us a new tool. The thriller map…Ps. I took this course three years ago as an email course and wasn’t ready for all the heavy lifting and analysis. But this time around I have done all the tasks and feel like I understand the way the pieces fit together. Just a note to others…I came in this time with a well-developed idea…these assignments would be a big hill to climb if you are just starting with an undeveloped, new idea on day one.

1. Main Characters –

* Hero: Vivian Cruz
* Villain: Margaret Doud
* Red-Herring Character – Deputy Kaye
*Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Mayor Doud
*Isn’t trusted, but should be: Jewel Cruz

Vivian/Doud –

Trust – The mayor is sponsoring her new business
Trust – She assigned Vivian to help her sister as a test case
Distrust – Doud insists she find her sister
Distrust – Jewel shows her evidence that Doud was the trigger person on Ana’s killing
Distrust – Doud tries to kill Jewel
Distrust – Doud tries to kill Vivian

Vivian/Deputy Kaye

Distrust – Doesn’t like assignment w/Vivian
Distrust – Doesn’t tell Vivian he is working with her sister
Distrust – Sister is almost killed during undercover assignment
Distrust – Wants to find Jewel
Distrust- Kaye is killed by Doud

Vivian/Jewel

Distrust – Sister returns from tragic past with little explanation
Trust – Asks sister for help
Distrust – Breaks rules of treatment
Distrust – Working w/Kaye as a CI
Distrust – Almost killed during operation
Trust – Returns w/explanation
Trust – Hit attempt on her by Doud
Trust – Save Vivian from hit attempt by Doud.

Margaret Doud is a San Diego Mayor concerned about her city and improving police and mental health services. She has sponsored Vivian Cruz and her Outreach and pioneered it as a new approach to support people in mental crisis. She sees Vivian as a young pioneer and a woman in a man’s world much like herself years ago. She sells herself as uber trustworthy to Vivian. Even a role model and mentor. However, as the story progresses, we realize she pulls the strings on a group of undercover police who were responsible for killing Vivian’s mother ten years earlier. The trust becomes tenuous and strained, eventually leading to Margaret ordering Vivian’s death to protect her secret.

Deputy Kaye is basically untrustworthy because he feels like he shouldn’t be assigned to this detail. He doesn’t believe it will work and that it puts officer’s lives in jeopardy. He also has a whole covert relationship with Vivian’s sister Jewel. He is using her as a CI because they have discovered Jewel is trying to expose some work they did years ago that got her mother killed.

Jewel is Vivian’s younger sister who is using her to get close to police. She has devoted her life to exposing the people who were responsible for their mother’s death ten years before. Jewel has a record and spent time in prison currently out on parole. She chooses a drug dealer as her boyfriend. Jewel is difficult and jeopardizes everything Vivian has built. However, as the story progresses Jewel will convince Vivian that the police she is working with are the ones responsible for their mother’s death. The only problem is that this type of information will probably get Vivian and Jewel killed.

Latest Thriller Map – Day 10

Opening – A single mother going on a first date with a co-worker and her two daughters.

Life threatening 1 (Twist – 9. A trust is violated, 1. Something planned for doesn’t happen) – Her date steals her credit card.
Life Threatening 2 – Ana finds out the card is stolen and notifies the police. (Twist – 4. A New problem occurs)
Mystery #1 – Who stole her card? Was it really her date? Why?
Life Threatening 3 – She calls her date, Gary to come help her because she doesn’t suspect him and doesn’t have anyone else.
Mystery #2 – Why did Gary remove all evidence and drug Ana? (Twist – 5. A lie is uncovered, Twist 11. It just got more dangerous.)
Villain’s Plan 1(Twist 11. It just got more dangerous.) – Hide Ana’s evidence/body.
Life Threatening 4/Catalyst – Gary kills Ana and drives her car off a cliff w/body.
Life Threatening 5 – (Twist 6. New Consequences emerge) Her daughters are left alone not knowing what happened to their mother.
Overall Big Mystery – Why was Ana killed?
Mystery #3 -What is going to happen to Vivian and Jewel now?

Inciting Incident – 10 years later and Ana’s daughters have taken 2 very different paths from the system. Vivian has flourished to help people and police during crisis. Jewel ended up spiraling downward and going to prison. Jewel has returned to Vivian’s life and moved in with a known drug dealer. Vivian takes it upon herself to try and help her.
(Shorthand – Jewel comes back into Vivian’s life after being separated for 10 years)

Life Threatening 1 – Vivian works at a Suicide Hotline and gets a call.
Mystery #4 – Is the caller her sister?
Distrust – Sister returns from tragic past with little explanation
Mystery #5 – Why did her sister return to San Diego?
Life Threatening 2/Mystery #6 – Jewel moves in with a drug dealer.
Trust – Mayor Margaret Doud is sponsoring Vivian’s new business…Ana’s Outreach
Distrust – Kaye doesn’t like assignment w/Vivian
Life Threatening 3 (Twist 10. We see an unexpected side of someone.)– Vivian is opening a business working with police and people in crisis.
Mystery #7 – Who are her new police contacts?
Trust – Jewel asks Vivian for help
Life Threatening 4 – She suspects Jewel called the hotline to be helped. Gets her into a facility.
Mystery #8 – How will Jewel respond to Vivian’s help?
Trust – She assigned Vivian to help her sister as a test case
Distrust – Jewel breaks rules of treatment
Life Threatening 5 (Twist 6. A lie is uncovered) – Vivian uncovers Jewel has agreed to work with Sheriff Kaye’s Unit as an informant against her drug dealing boyfriend.
Distrust – Kaye doesn’t tell Vivian he is working with her sister.
Distrust – Jewel working w/Kaye as a CI
Mystery #9 – Why is Jewel working with Police?
Life Threatening 6/Mystery 10 – Jewel escapes rehab.
Distrust – Sister is almost killed during undercover assignment
Life Threatening 7/Mystery 11 – Jewel is almost killed on her first Informant assignment with Kaye. Flees the scene. Why did they try to kill Jewel?
Distrust – Jewel almost killed during operation

Distrust – Doud insists she find her sister
Villain’s Plan #2 – Kill Jewel.
Distrust – Doud tries to kill Jewel

TP#1 – Deputy Kaye and Alex try to kill Jewel at a stakeout.

Life Threatening 1 – Vivian tries to track a missing Jewel.
Mystery 12 – Is Jewel still alive?
Distrust – Kaye wants to find Jewel
Life Threatening 2 – Frances gets Vivian files about her disappearance.
Life Threatening 3 – Discovers Jewel is alive and in hiding from a covert group.
Mystery #13 – Who is Jewel hiding from?
Trust – Jewel returns w/explanation

MP – Ana’s body is recovered.

Life Threatening 1 – Frances is found dead.
Mystery 14 – Who killed Frances?
Life Threatening 1 – Reports/Evidence/Surveillance reveal someone killed Ana.
Mystery 15 – Who killed Ana?
Distrust – Jewel shows her evidence that Doud was the trigger person on Ana’s killing
Life Threatening 2(Twist 1. Something unplanned for happens) – Jewel reveals to Vivian Ana was a whistleblower.
Mystery 16 – What did Ana expose as a whistleblower?

TP #2 – The Miranda Men make an attempt on Vivian’s Life.

Distrust – Doud tries to kill Vivian.
Mystery 17 – Who tried to kill Vivian?
Villain’s Plan 3 – Kill Vivian.
Life Threatening 1 – Mayor orders the Miranda Men to kill The Loco Girls (Vivian and Jewel).
Villain’s Plan 4 – The Mayor created the Miranda Men to fend off threats. Ana found out.
Distrust- Kaye is killed by Doud
Mystery 18 – Will The Miranda Men kill them?
Life Threatening 2 – The Miranda Men surround the Agave House.
Trust – Jewel saves Vivian from hit attempt by Doud.

Crisis – Vivian decides to help her sister fight the Miranda Men.
Climax -The Mayor is killed. Vivian and Jewel escape.
Resolution –They have a funeral on the beach for their mother.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom Day 9 Adding Twists

What I learned… twists are another way to keep the story engaging. Twists are change and people look for change or transformation. We are trained to recognize change in today’s world. Life is so complicated and eventful sometimes change needs to be highlighted to re-engage the audience. Twists are designed to fill that role. They are powerful because they can elevate an otherwise flat story to new heights.

*I added twists in places my story already had them built in. However, this lesson forced me to recognize them as twists and how to control them more effectively.
A. When Vivian realizes her sister hasn’t come back for help, she has comeback to use her to get inside the police Vivian is working with. (A lie is uncovered)
B. When Vivian discovers the police she is working with have been targeting her because of their role in her mother’s death. (A trust is violated)
C. When Jewel helps demonstrate to Vivian their mother was killed. (It just got more dangerous.)
D. When Vivian finds out her Mentor is really the one responsible for her mother’s death. (Secret identity uncovered)

The Structure (4 Act) A Danger to Themselves

Opening – Ana Cruz’s killing, and her 2 daughters, Vivian and Jewel are placed in the system.
Inciting Incident – 10 years later and Ana’s daughters have taken 2 very different paths from the system. Vivian has flourished to help people and police during crisis. Jewel ended up spiraling downward and going to prison. Jewel has returned to Vivian’s life and moved in with a known drug dealer. Vivian takes it upon herself to try and help her.
TP#1 – Deputy Kaye and Alex try to kill Jewel at a stakeout.
MP – Ana’s Body is found.
TP#2 – The Miranda Men try to kill Vivian.
Crisis – Vivian decides to help her sister fight the Miranda Men.
Climax -The Mayor is killed. Vivian and Jewel escape.
Resolution –They have a funeral on the beach for their mother.

***After Adding the Life-Threatening, Mystery, Twists, and Villain’s Plan to the basic structure.

Opening – A single mother going on a first date with a co-worker and her two daughters.

Life threatening 1 (Twist – 9. A trust is violated, 1. Something planned for doesn’t happen) – Her date steals her credit card.
Life Threatening 2 – Ana finds out the card is stolen and notifies the police. (Twist – 4. A New problem occurs)
Mystery #1 – Who stole her card? Was it really her date? Why?
Life Threatening 3 – She calls her date, Gary to come help her because she doesn’t suspect him and doesn’t have anyone else.
Mystery #2 – Why did Gary remove all evidence and drug Ana? (Twist – 5. A lie is uncovered, Twist 11. It just got more dangerous.)
Villain’s Plan 1(Twist 11. It just got more dangerous.) – Hide Ana’s evidence/body.
Life Threatening 4/Catalyst – Gary kills Ana and drives her car off a cliff w/body.
Life Threatening 5 – (Twist 6. New Consequences emerge) Her daughters are left alone not knowing what happened to their mother.
Overall Big Mystery – Why was Ana killed?
Mystery #3 -What is going to happen to Vivian and Jewel now?

Inciting Incident – 10 years later and Ana’s daughters have taken 2 very different paths from the system. Vivian has flourished to help people and police during crisis. Jewel ended up spiraling downward and going to prison. Jewel has returned to Vivian’s life and moved in with a known drug dealer. Vivian takes it upon herself to try and help her.
(Shorthand – Jewel comes back into Vivian’s life after being separated for 10 years)

Life Threatening 1 – Vivian works at a Suicide Hotline and gets a call.
Mystery #4 – Is the caller her sister?
Mystery #5 – Why did her sister return to San Diego?
Life Threatening 2/Mystery #6 – Jewel moves in with a drug dealer.
Life Threatening 3 (Twist 10. We see an unexpected side of someone.)– Vivian is opening a business working with police and people in crisis.
Mystery #7 – Who are her new police contacts?
Life Threatening 4 – She suspects Jewel called the hotline to be helped. Get’s her into a facility.
Mystery #8 – How will Jewel respond to Vivian’s help?
Life Threatening 5 (Twist 6. A lie is uncovered) – Vivian uncovers Jewel has agreed to work with Sheriff Kaye’s Unit as an informant against her drug dealing boyfriend.
Mystery #9 – Why is Jewel working with Police?
Life Threatening 6/Mystery 10 – Jewel escapes rehab.
Life Threatening 7/Mystery 11 – Jewel is almost killed on her first Informant assignment with Kaye. Flees the scene. Why did they try to kill Jewel?
Villain’s Plan #2 – Kill Jewel.

TP#1 – Deputy Kaye and Alex try to kill Jewel at a stakeout.

Life Threatening 1 – Vivian tries to track a missing Jewel.
Mystery 12 – Is Jewel still alive?
Life Threatening 2 – Frances gets Vivian files about her disappearance.
Life Threatening 3 – Discovers Jewel is alive and in hiding from a covert group.
Mystery #13 – Who is Jewel hiding from?

MP – Ana’s body is recovered.

Life Threatening 1 – Frances is found dead.
Mystery 14 – Who killed Frances?
Life Threatening 1 – Reports/Evidence/Surveillance reveal someone killed Ana.
Mystery 15 – Who killed Ana?
Life Threatening 2(Twist 1. Something unplanned for happens) – Jewel reveals to Vivian Ana was a whistleblower.
Mystery 16 – What did Ana expose as a whistleblower?

TP #2 – The Miranda Men make an attempt on Vivian’s Life.

Mystery 17 – Who tried to kill Vivian?
Villain’s Plan 3 – Kill Vivian.
Life Threatening 1 – Mayor orders the Miranda Men to kill The Loco Girls (Vivian and Jewel).
Villain’s Plan 4 – The Mayor created the Miranda Men to fend off threats. Ana found out.
Mystery 18 – Will The Miranda Men kill them?
Life Threatening 2 – The Miranda Men surround the Agave House.
Crisis – Vivian decides to help her sister fight the Miranda Men.
Climax -The Mayor is killed. Vivian and Jewel escape.
Resolution –They have a funeral on the beach for their mother.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom 3 Sequences Intertwined Day 8

What I learned is . . . success in a Thriller is a constant set of emotions and audience feelings grounded in a villain’s plan that lurks just below the surface that our hero has only limited awareness of. To me this was an exercise in letting go. It felt like success is a flavor and a mix as long as I know (The Villain’s Plan) the audience is with me and I feed them steps along the way (MIS). For those of us who are control freaks this was liberating. It felt like I had enough story but with a Thriller it seems like you are juggling and constantly trying to ratchet up the MIS. It’s like trying to cook while also watching 3 toddlers so they don’t get hurt. Your attention is constantly being pulled from one thing to another. Thriller writers always talk about pacing. You mentioned this is not the final product… so I am feeling like this is a necessary step along the way to map out a complicated thriller, while trying to integrate all the elements, yet knowing issues will be fixed down the road. I think it was John Steinbeck who said…writing a novel was like trying to build a chicken coop in a tornado with one arm tied behind your back. This feels a little like that.

The Structure (4 Act) A Danger to Themselves

Opening – Ana Cruz’s killing, and her 2 daughters, Vivian and Jewel are placed in the system.
Inciting Incident – 10 years later and Ana’s daughters have taken 2 very different paths from the system. Vivian has flourished to help people and police during crisis. Jewel ended up spiraling downward and going to prison. Jewel has returned to Vivian’s life and moved in with a known drug dealer. Vivian takes it upon herself to try and help her.
TP#1 – Deputy Kaye and Alex try to kill Jewel at a stakeout.
MP – Ana’s Body is found.
TP#2 – The Miranda Men try to kill Vivian.
Crisis – Vivian decides to help her sister fight the Miranda Men.
Climax -The Mayor is killed. Vivian and Jewel escape.
Resolution –They have a funeral on the beach for their mother.

***After Adding the Life-Threatening, Mystery, and Villain’s Plan to the basic structure

Opening – A single mother going on a first date with a co-worker and her two daughters.

Life threatening 1 – Her date steals her credit card.
Mystery #1 – Someone angrily confronted her date at his boat.
Life Threatening 2 – Ana finds out the card is stolen and notifies the police.
Mystery #2 – Who stole her card?
Life Threatening 3 – She calls her date, Gary to come help her because she doesn’t suspect him and doesn’t have anyone else.
Mystery #3 – Why did Gary remove all evidence and drug Ana?
Villain’s Plan 1 – Hide Ana’s evidence/body.
Life Threatening 4/Catalyst – Gary kills Ana.
Life Threatening 5 – Her daughters are left alone not knowing what happened to their mother.
Overall Big Mystery 6 – Why was Ana killed?
Mystery 7 -What is going to happen to Vivian and Jewel now?

Inciting Incident – 10 years later and Ana’s daughters have taken 2 very different paths from the system. Vivian has flourished to help people and police during crisis. Jewel ended up spiraling downward and going to prison. Jewel has returned to Vivian’s life and moved in with a known drug dealer. Vivian takes it upon herself to try and help her.
(Shorthand – Jewel comes back into Vivian’s life after being separated for 10 years)

Life Threatening 1 – Vivian works at a Suicide Hotline and gets a call.
Mystery 8 – Is the caller her sister?
Mystery 9 – Why did her sister return to San Diego?
Life Threatening 2/Mystery 10 – Jewel moves in with a drug dealer.
Life Threatening 3 – Vivian is opening a business working with police and people in crisis.
Mystery 11 – Who are her new police contacts?
Life Threatening 4 – She suspects Jewel called the hotline to be helped. Get’s her into a facility.
Mystery 12 – Will Jewel respond to Vivian’s help?
Life Threatening 5 – Vivian uncovers Jewel has agreed to work with Sheriff Kaye’s Unit as an informant against her boyfriend.
Mystery 13 – Why is Jewel working with Police?
Life Threatening 6/Mystery 13 – Jewel escapes rehab.
Life Threatening 7/Mystery 14 – Jewel is almost killed on her first Informant assignment. Flees the scene. Why did they try to kill Jewel?
Villain’s Plan #2 – Kill Jewel.

TP#1 – Deputy Kaye and Alex try to kill Jewel at a stakeout.

Life Threatening 1 – Vivian tries to track a missing Jewel.
Mystery 15 – Is Jewel still alive?
Life Threatening 2 – Frances gets Vivian files about her disappearance.
Life Threatening 3 – Discovers Jewel is alive and in hiding from a covert group.
Mystery 16 – Who is Jewel hiding from?
Life Threatening 4 – Frances is found dead.
Mystery 17 – Who killed Frances?

MP – Ana’s body is recovered.

Life Threatening 1 – Reports/Evidence/Surveillance reveal someone killed her.
Mystery 18 – Who killed Ana?
Life Threatening 2 – Jewel helps Vivian understand Ana was a whistleblower.
Mystery 19 – What did Ana expose as a whistleblower?

TP #2 – There is an attempt on Vivian’s Life.

Mystery 20 – Who tried to kill Vivian?
Villain’s Plan 3 – Kill Vivian.
Life Threatening 1 – Mayor helps the girls understand what happened with The Miranda Men.
Villain’s Plan 4 – The Mayor created the Miranda Men to fend off threats and they went rogue. Ana found out.
Mystery 21 – Will The Miranda Men kill them?

Life Threatening 2 – The Miranda Men surround the Agave House.
Mystery 22 – Will Vivian and Jewel survive?
Crisis – Vivian decides to help her sister fight the Miranda Men.
Climax -The Mayor is killed. Vivian and Jewel escape.
Resolution –They have a funeral on the beach for their mother.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – DAY 7 – Suspense Life Threatening Sequence

A Danger to Themselves

What I learned is…some of these clue trails are laced throughout the entire story. My problem is…I want to ask/answer hero questions quickly. But for many lovers of thrillers the fun is in the chase. The mystery. The love is in predicting the possibilities and then exceeding expectations with what we reveal on the other side. Think of Get Out! When they were trying to steal his brain at the end…I can honestly say I didn’t expect that. And when he tried to escape, we understood what was at stake. A nervous weekend with his girlfriend’s parents turned into something much more. Thrillers more than dramas, have to exceed and surprise. We are grounded in the mystery but blown away by what is uncovered. That’s the job. Get used to it.

1. What is the Villain’s Plan and how does that put The Hero in danger? The Villain’s plan is to expose and bring to justice the people responsible for killing Ana. It puts the hero in danger because the villain covertly uses the hero. Her sister chooses her because she is closely connected to these people, and they don’t want to be exposed. As Jewel’s plan to expose them becomes clearer Vivian’s knowledge of her plan puts her life in danger. She is torn between supporting her only family or putting her life in danger. Just by finding out what her sister has proven puts my hero’s life in danger.

2. What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain? It creates danger on many levels for Vivian. It jeopardizes her career, her family, her mental health, and her freedom, in addition to her life. Life threatening danger can show itself as a smaller danger and then escalate. In Basic Instinct was Nick’s return to his addictions life threatening? Yes. But it began as picking up a drink with friends.

3. From the list here are some dangers that could work in my story.

A. Threats
B. Talking about danger
C. Physical danger
D. Surveillance/watched
E. Chased
F. Lured into a dangerous situation
G. Closeness to the Villain
H. Trapped/Abducted/Arrested
I. Danger to someone they know
J. People around them die or are injured
K. Stalked
L. Thugs or professionals hired to hurt them
M. Presence of weapons or thugs
N. Something that damages their reputation
O. The chance that a relationship could end
P. The threat that their own secret could be revealed.
Q. Loss of a job or career
R. A demand to stop pursuing the mystery
S. Betrayal from someone close
T. Someone operating covertly around them
U. Other parties who want the villain dead
V. Elevated return to addiction

4. My Life-Threatening Sequence (A Danger to Themselves)

1. Ana Cruz is killed by one of The Miranda Men.
2. Her daughters, Vivian and Jewel are put into the system and separated.
3. 12 years – Vivian is working on a suicide hotline when she gets a call. She saves the caller from suicide. It might have been her sister.
4. Jewel returns to San Diego with a drug dealer boyfriend.
5. Vivian is opening a new outreach for people in crisis with grants and political support from Mayor Doud.
6. She tries to bring Jewel in for help after feeling guilty for not helping her sister more in the past.
7. Jewel decides to work as a confidential informant for Vivian’s police rep through the outreach.
8. Jewel escapes death during her first assignment.
9. Vivian wants to help Jewel after she learns about her escape.
10. Ana’s body (their mother) is discovered off the coast.
11. Jewel reveals she used her to get into San Diego Sheriff dept. because she followed the money trail from her mother’s death to Kaye. (another Miranda Man)
12. Doud reveals she created the miranda men because of threats to protect herself and they went rogue.
13. There is an attempt on Vivian’s life.
14. Doud tries to help Vivian and Jewel and she is killed.
15. Jewel and Vivian must fight off Kaye and Alex to survive. (the miranda men)
16. Gilmour escapes. (Ana’s killer, miranda man)
17. Jewel and Vivian track Gilmour down. Take him out.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom (Day 6 The Mystery Sequence)

What I learned is a new way of looking at mysteries and their role in a thriller. This lesson forced me into another POV that leads to a new tool in creating a thriller. Mystery is produced by creating a secret covered up, usually by the villain. The hero encounters the mystery, but it is produced by first understanding what the villain is trying to cover. This is a powerful idea in the creation of a thriller with a big mystery. As I get deeper into my understanding and controlling the genre I am trying to understand the relationship between mystery, coverup, and secret. This lesson introduced me to a huge piece of the genre puzzle. It also made me see how to make the story more active. What is the villain doing to cover their secret? Why are they doing it? How does this throw off the hero? It forced me into minds of the forces of evil. How to progress/connect the mysteries effectively and how they will be presented to my hero and the audience. Thank you, Hal.

1. What is the big secret the Villain is covering up?

Margaret Dound, San Diego Mayor was responsible for ordering Ana’s killing.

2. How many ways can you cover that secret?

A. Make the victims appear unstable.
B. Alter records.
C. Create false leads.
D. Present red-herring/alternative suspects.
E. Make it look like an accident.
F. By using many effective masks to deflect guilt.
G. By killing anyone who gets close to investigating or solving or connecting them to the murder.
H. Control murder investigation away from themselves.
I. Hiding behind social aid programs.

(Overall Big Mystery)
– Why was Ana Cruz killed?

3. The first mystery must engage the hero into solving it.

4. Overall mysteries sequenced w/Red Herring sequence

1. Why has Vivian’s sister returned to San Diego after being separated for ten years?
2. Who are The Miranda Men?
3. Is the Mayor responsible for Ana’s death?
4. Red-Herring mystery – Was Deputy Kaye responsible for killing their mother?

The BIG MYSTERY is Why was Ana Cruz killed?

*1st mystery to engage our hero.

5. Mystery Chains for each mystery

1. Why has Jewel returned to San Diego after 10 years? (1st Mystery Chain)

A. What happened to Jewel while she was in the system/prison?
B. Why is she involved with Antonio, a known drug dealer?
C. Why has she left her facility before completing her treatment?
D. Why is she putting Vivian’s career in jeopardy?

2. Who are The Miranda Men? (2nd Mystery Chain)

A. Did Kaye receive money from the man who we saw kill their mother?
B. Why did Alex target hotline victim?
C. Was Ana a whistleblower?
D. What did Ana uncover?

3. Is The Mayor responsible for Ana’s death? (3rd Mystery Chain)

A. Who was the Mayor working with?
B. Who did the Mayor take money from?
C. How is Margaret Doud connected to Gary Gilmour?
D. Why did Gilmour kill Kaye?

*all connects to (Overall Big Mystery) Why was Ana Cruz killed?

• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom Lesson 5 Villain’s Plan

What I learned is…endings can be difficult. If you go on a two-week vacation to Europe do you know what you are going to be doing on the last day of the trip? Did the trip progress to your most meaningful and climactic activity happening on the last day? I struggle with endings, and this is where the Thriller begins. These activities forced me into making some concrete choices. But the most useful part of this chapter is the way it breaks down the connections and events into four categories. Villain’s Plan. Mystery. Intrigue. Suspense. I think this approach will help me see the best ending for my story or at least see the different pieces that have to be developed and combined through progressions and resolved.

Working Title: Every Part of the Animal

Villain’s Plan

GOAL: Keep Ana’s Murder a secret.
INTRIGUE: Use a small, devoted Deputy killing crew…aka. The Miranda Men to wipe away any connection to the Mayor’s killings or illegal activities.
COVER SECRETS: Mayor Margaret Doud ordered a whistleblower to be killed years ago to gain an election victory. The whistleblower had two daughters. One has returned to infiltrate and expose the Mayor’s murder. The mayor hides behind her social programs to conceal her clandestine activities. On the surface they seem commendable but are really designed to stifle political opponents. She has committed murder. Diverted money. Silenced opponents to accomplish her level of control and power.

1. What is the end goal? For Mayor Doud to win re-election by hiding Ana’s Murder.
2. How can the Villain accomplish this in a devious way? Through her covert deputy hit squad planting evidence, changing files, and killing anyone who tries/tried to stop her.
3. How can they cover it up? They cover it up through their social programs that are designed to help victims but are really a cover for exposing vulnerable women they can use and exploit. They make the victims look unstable so when something happens to them they can divert attention back to the victims.
4. Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible.
A. 12 years ago a single mother is killed by a conman trying to steal her identity.
B. She has two daughters who are put into the system after her disappearance.
C. One returns to expose their mother’s killer.
D. The other daughter has devoted her life to helping victims and works with local law enforcement.
E. The social worker sister helps her revenge seeking sister transition out of prison; however, her revenge sister is using her to get closer to the deputy gang who she believes killed their mother.
F. Their mother’s body is found and evidence points to fool play and city people involved.
G. The Mayor orders the deputy gang to kill the revenge sister trying to expose the gang.
H. They figure out she is trying to get inside so they construct a plan.
I. The deputies use her as an informant as a set-up to kill her.
J. Revenge sister escapes during the hit attempt.
K. The social worker sister is coerced to believe her revenge sister’s allegations against the mayor and try to save her or keep her career dreams alive. (crisis)
L. The sister connects their mother’s killing to the Mayor.
M. Her revenge sister takes down some of the deputies.
N. Together they takeout the mayor.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom Lesson 4 (Basic Instinct and Silence of the Lambs)

Assignment 1 Insights and Learning (*Assgn. 2 below)
Basic Instinct

1. This film definitely fulfilled the purpose of a thriller. Plot twists, suspense, betrayal, MIS built into their characters in a relentless pace.
2. Life and death situations were plentiful.
3. Mystery…scored high on mystery. They gave us enough to make us think and bring us along and then make us doubt our own theories about guilt and innocence as the characters struggle with their own ideas. Who killed Johnny Boz and why? The answers and clues went back many years and left Nick to follow a trail that led to places he couldn’t control. It made for edge of the seat engagement because someone was coming unglued right before our very eyes.
4. Hero/Villain – Wonderful characters for a Thriller. An addicted cop falling off the wagon because of the seduction of a rich, beautiful social deviant writer using him as a story subject. A psychotic psychiatrist who has had a sexual relationship with both of them and one as a client. But she was bent for years on paying back Catherine because of…an affair??? I’m sure Catherine used her the same way she used everyone else and Beth wasn’t up for that. What really made this story great were the characters. Catherine Trammel. Nick. Beth. It was an amazing play on a love triangle and each part fueled the other.
5. Main Emotions – The emotions were way over the top but worked because these characters were in a highly charged environment and fighting lust and addiction, so they fit.
6. Ian Fleming did an interview about writing thrillers and two things stood out for me. 1st he talked about awareness of pace and 2nd he talked about understanding what is thrilling to people. These filmmakers understood both. The pace was relentless and moved like an unstoppable train. The other was these people knew how to make us think yet keep us riveted to the screen. They knew what was thrilling and seductive and played with us and used it against us to build lie and hide the truth.

• All the main characters were deep in MIS. Nick with his addictions and background. Catherine with her history and choices. Beth was probably the most mysterious of all.
• I saw the value in being OBVIOUS and not subtle. It worked well with the rugged, deviant environment the story explored.
• Nick’s character was interesting because he was certainly not the victim type. We never really felt bad for him. He willingly went after what he wanted, and it got him into trouble. Eszterhas wasn’t worried about us connecting emotionally with our hero. It was a trail of bloodlust. However, there was a puzzle attached. We wanted to follow this guy. He led us to places that were forbidden. Yet, he didn’t run away, he ran toward the trouble. So we followed.

Assignment 2 -Insights and Learning
SOTL (Silence of the Lambs)

There were a few things that made SOTL stand out. It really knew it was a psychological thriller and leaned deeply into that subject matter. One thing that stood out for me was when Jack Crawford told Clarice…”Don’t let Lecter get inside your head.” Yet Lecter was a savant at getting inside people’s heads and turning the screws. Even if she tried, most people were unprepared for what he really was. Reaching in and exposing Clarice’s darkest secrets. She had to let him in to get closer to what she wanted. A dilemma. How about the way he got inside the Senator’s head? “Did you breastfeed Catherine?” This is one area where SOTL exceeded expectations. Life and death situations, Mystery, Hero/Villain, Main Emotions. SOLT was a master class on thriller conventions. This movie was thrilling because it took us to the edge of the worst of humanity and Clarice survived. Many of the moments in this film are iconic. You knew it was going to be a wild ride when Miggs throws cum on Clarice’s face. One of my takeaways from watching SOTL this round was the business with the offers of reward for Lecter helping with the Senator’s daughter. I always felt it was a section that didn’t hold up but this time I can see Chilton’s manipulation of the process and elevating conflict for Clarice based on their bogus offer. It increased the chances she might not reach her goal. Fear began to move ahead of hope. The final sequence where Crawford realizes Starling is alone with Gumb, Catherine screaming in the pit, Gumb following Clarice in night vision goggles, is one of the most riveting sequences ever captured in cinema.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – DAY 3 -Character MIS

What I learned doing this assignment… Thrillers are one genre that require an extraordinary amount of design. Great thrillers usually use multiple mysteries. Many of the basic lessons like…what is the hero’s goal usually takes on many levels, misdirections, and progressions. There are deep expectations and conventions. When you see the good ones they seem simple, however they are not. The characters each have a role in the overall BIG MYSTERY and when the story begins many pieces were already in place and moving forward before the hero is established. The villain’s plan takes on a big role as does the red herring. The main emotions of betrayal, intrigue, and mystery require a high level of writing skill to keep the audience connected.

A Danger to Themselves

Concept – Years ago a mother is killed leaving two daughters in the system. One becomes a gifted victim’s advocate, and the other has dedicated her life to finding their mother’s killer.

Big Mystery – Why was Ana Cruz killed?
Big Intrigue – Vivian’s only sister has come out of prison and threatened the life Vivian has built to uncover who killed their mother. This manic, reckless pursuit will probably get both of them killed by the big city machine responsible for their mother’s death.
Big Suspense – Vivian has devoted her life to helping victims in crisis by working a suicide hotline and trying to create a local outreach. These situations are routinely life and death, violent, and rife with danger. Some are connected to a bigger mystery that will threaten to teardown everything in Vivian’s life physically, mentally, and emotionally.

World – The place where law enforcement meets social services and support for people in crisis.

Hero – Vivian Cruz, aids police with victims and social resources.
Mystery – Will she help rehabilitate her sister or support her finding the killer?
Intrigue – She is an expert at helping people in need but hesitates in working with her sister because of her checkered past.
Suspense – Her whole world is rife with suspense as her career puts her in harm’s way by helping people in crisis. It gets more tense and dangerous as she is lured into helping her sister uncover their mother’s killer.

Red Herring Character – Deputy Kaye Barret- Sheriff Department liaison for social programs.

Mystery – Why is he getting involved with Vivian’s sister Jewel? Is he part of Mayor Doud’s covert detail?
Intrigue – He presents himself as police working with social services but also has drug cases with informants. The department presents itself as a partner but the resources they provide are weak.
Suspense – He uses vulnerable women to do dangerous assignments for his own covert cover-up and financial gain.

Villain – Mayor Margaret Doud – Outgoing San Diego Mayor

Mystery – How is she connected to Anna’s killing? Will Jewel follow the clue trail all the way to the Mayor’s Office?
Intrigue – Created a small group of covert deputies who take down any opposition.
Suspense –She will do everything she can with her vast resources to protect her past violent actions that helped her rise to power.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – Big MIS (Day 2 Thriller)

A Danger to Themselves

Big Mystery – Why was Ana Cruz killed?
Big Intrigue – Vivian’s only sister has come out of prison and threatened the life Vivian has built to uncover who killed their mother. This manic, reckless pursuit will probably get both of them killed by the people responsible working to stay hidden.
Big Suspense – Vivian has devoted her life to helping people in crisis by working a suicide hotline and trying to create a local outreach. These situations are routinely life and death and some are connected to a bigger mystery that will threaten and teardown everything in Vivian’s life physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Conventions:

1. Unwitting but Resourceful Hero – Vivian Cruz is a young San Diego woman who has devoted her life to helping people in crisis as a mental health professional attached to working with law enforcement.
2. Dangerous Villain – A team of antagonists are living below the surface masked as law enforcement, coworkers, clients, superiors, and siblings.
3. High Stakes – Vivian’s mother was killed years ago, and her only sister is bent on proving her theory about how their mother died. Helping her sister is putting everything else in her life in jeopardy. However, she is an expert on helping others and walking away from her only sibling will be impossible.
4. Life and Death Situations – By pursuing her goals Vivian enters dangerous situations constantly with law enforcement to try and calm crisis victims. She risks her life and the lives of others as she tries to find resources for these clients in need. Many of these moments come naturally out of the world Vivian has chosen to navigate.
5. This story is thrilling because…I created a throughline where my hero has tried to be a doer of good and a valuable resource to many but the people who inhabit this world are dangerous and unpredictable. They are human bombs that could detonate at any time. So the struggle is between trying to stay on the side of doing what she knows is responsible and right and surviving the level of violence and deception the antagonists are using to stay behind their masks.

What I learned doing this assignment… it is really, really difficult to simplify and find the essence to the BIG MIS in a quality thriller. Sometimes we don’t identify it until the final crisis/climax. Almost always they begin with one mystery that launches us into the world. That sets up another mystery that becomes more and more dangerous to solve for our hero. However, all the elements must grow out of the thriller world naturally and be well-connected

• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – Lesson 1(Thriller)

Film -MICHAEL CLAYTON

THRILLER CONVENTIONS:

LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS – In this film the life and death situations are unique. It is designed to develop and focus on two life or death situations and how these deaths resonate and change people throughout the story. We saw the way these situations developed, connected, and progressed the story. Gilroy built up, executed, and transitioned these moments as a master.
MYSTERY – They story begins with an attempt on Michael Clayton’s life and then cuts back to four days earlier. The big Mystery surrounds the moment of How did we get here…to the car bomb? Who tried to kill Michael? Why did they try to kill him? Who was involved? It was so sophisticated the way the story unfolds. He begins at the end yet also weaves in the inciting incident of him getting the assignment to reign in and fix the situation with the lead attorney in a massive civil lawsuit against U-North.
HERO/VILLAIN – Clayton was given a tough assignment. Reign in Arthur. Karen Crowder was given a tough assignment. Take over as President of U-North while navigating a massive class action lawsuit. I loved the way everyone felt justified in committing murder and breaking the law. They were just doing their jobs and operating at the top of their intelligence. Gilroy used each character as a way to put more and more pressure on Clayton who ultimately chooses to break the law to find out the truth about Arthur’s death and use the law to expose/trap his killer.
MAIN EMOTIONS – This film is a master’s class in emotions. Gilroy chose to spend a lot of time with the antagonists to establish their motivations and the creative way he exposed their decisions. Some of the scenes are classics that are built around the complex and powerful emotions Gilroy wrung out of the story. The scene where Karen Crowder puts the Hit through Mr. Verne on Arthur is a classic. “Yes you understand or yes proceed?”
THIS MOVIE IS THRILLING BECAUSE…Gilroy throws conflict on Clayton from every level you mentioned in the conventions…physically, emotionally, mentally…and does it in ways we have never seen before. His level of creativity is breathtaking. The hit on Arthur is brain surgeon level.

WHAT I LEARNED DOING THIS ASSIGNMENT…could not possibly be summed up in a few sentences here. But I’ll hit a some of the highlights…Gilroy is a master at two things. One is dialogue. The characters never state the obvious. They are corporate lawyers and the dialogue is crisp and brilliant. Gilroy makes the situations so interesting through dialogue and character that some are the best ever put on film. ie…the scene where Karen Crowder orders the hit on Arthur. The end where Clayton gets Crowder to agree to pay him off instead of trying to kill him again. The second thing I learned is the way Gilroy developed every layer. Nothing was not connected or not part of a progression. There was not one situation that was isolated. Everything was part of a set-up, betrayal or pay-off. The way he connected the main mystery to the job Clayton had to do was unique, thrilling, and showed a level of mastery that earned academy award nominations.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom

I agree to this release form –

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Hello everyone, my name is Ron Neustrom. I have written more than 10 scripts. My hope from this class is to produce a script of high enough quality to get attention, sell, option, win a contest award…go to the next step. I first started my career in San Francisco in the 80’s. Got a screenwriting degree from SFSU…(ps. Steven Zaillian went there… didn’t know him) but met a lot of great of people along the way. I live The Impostor Syndrome everyday…leave you with a fun fact …easier to get into Harvard than to sell a screenplay (percentage wise)!

• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Diane – I loved the setting and the situation. It was a very difficult assignment for me. You had a lot things in place. A lot of themes connected to love and danger. Great design. You could go crazy trying to use some of them or all of them. There is a famous Shakespeare scene where he turns a funeral into a wedding. He takes the widow and changes her from hating the man who killed her husband to loving him. It has been used to demonstrate the slight of hand magic of Shakespeare’s skills. This area has always been difficult for me because it feels like we are losing reality and stepping into manipulation. It is extremely difficult to not make it feel contrived. Good luck and let’s keep breaking hearts.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Diane – The scene is coming along really well. You are good at finding emotional HOTSPOTS. A wife who finds out her husband is cheating. This is the kind of event that can resonate through many different characters’ lives. The wife. The kids. The husband. The girlfriend. I was the victim of a brutal divorce where dad was caught cheating. Fifty years later and I’m still getting over it. KEEP Going! Good stuff…

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – Cycle 6 scene final draft

Logline – Marcus and Carley are partners in the San Diego Sheriff Department. After Marcus shoots and kills a suspect Carley is brought in for her statement.

Essence – Marcus asks Carley to lie before giving her statement and knows she will probably be transferred off the streets. But that’s his play. He wants her safe, off the streets, because he loves her.

INT. SAN DIEGO SHERIFF DEPT. – HALLWAY – DAY

DEPUTY CARLEY WELCH, is sitting outside a closed door. Looks miserable and guilty of something.
A few DEPUTIES move past her. Some gesture “Hi” but most just keep walking.

RANDY MORENO, a suit with a gun, opens the closed door and motions CARLEY inside.

MORENO
Let’s go.

She stands. DEPUTY MARCUS comes out of A ROOM behind Moreno. He is in a Sheriff's Uniform. Pulls her aside before she goes in.

MARCUS
Sorry to drag you through this.

CARLEY
It’s procedure. Don’t worry.

MARCUS
They’ll believe you. Tell ‘em what you saw.

He gets close to Carley’s ear.

MARCUS
You were the only uniform there.

CARLEY
You shot him. That’s why we’re here. It’s part of the process.

MARCUS
I had to protect us both. He pulled a knife…

CARLEY
What?…I want to help but…

MARCUS
Tell them that. He pulled a knife.

Moreno turns back to Marcus and Carley.

MORENO
Ready?

Marcus’s eyes pray to Carley. One last time to get it right.

MARCUS
He had a knife!

Carley backs away. Tries to make Moreno think it’s business.

CARLEY (LOUD)
Okay Deputy. I’ll get you the paperwork.

Leaves Marcus standing outside.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – CONTINUOUS

McNEIL, is sitting at a conference table with a silver MICROPHONE and a pile of yellow legal PADS.
CARLEY takes a chair. McNeil punches a button. Starts RECORDING.

MCNEIL
From the beginning.

CARLEY
I woke up and had a cup of coffee.

MCNEIL
You know what we’re talking about. What happened on River Avenue today?

MORENO
This report is going downtown. I’ve seen them pull people…they’ll take you off the streets if you play stupid.

MCNEIL
Just tell us your side. What happened?

Carley starts again.

CARLEY
There was an APB…211 suspect. White T-shirt and blue jeans moving east on River.

MCNEIL
And.

CARLEY
When we turned on River we saw a male fitting that description. Deputy Marcus pulled over. Tried to question him.

MCNEIL
Why didn’t you call a black and white?

CARLEY
I did.

MORENO
Then.

CARLEY
He wouldn’t listen to commands.

MORENO
Like what?

CARLEY
Like stop. He wouldn’t stop. He turned on Marcus. Then Marcus took him down.

MCNEIL
Anything else?

Long pause. They wait for a reply.

MCNEIL
Nothing.

CARLEY
No.

MCNEIL
Nothing to add.

CARLEY
I was on the radio.

MORENO
That’s it?

CARLEY
When I was in the car I saw a flash. It could have been a knife.

McNeil puts the microphone CLOSER to Vivian.

MCNEIL
A knife?

MORENO
Could have been?

CARLEY
It was. Definitely.

MCNEIL
Definitely what.

CARLEY
A knife. From where I was…it looked like a knife.

MORENO
How far were you?

CARLEY
20 feet.

MORENO
Anything else?

CARLEY
No.

MCNEIL
This is the time to get everything out there.

McNeil turns a page on his legal pad. READS from it.

MCNEIL
We have five witness’ gave statements and not one mentioned a knife.

MORENO
White t-shirt, blue jeans died. They didn’t find a knife.

MCNEIL
You want to change your statement?

Vivian shakes her head “No.”

MORENO
Anything else?

CARLEY
Thank you for the time.

McNeill and Moreno look at their notes. Then at each other. Then at Carley.

MCNEIL
You’re excused.

Carley exits.

INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

MARCUS is waiting. She walks with him for a few feet. He tugs Carley INSIDE another room.

INT. SMALL OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

MARCUS
Did you tell them?

CARLEY
Get away from me.

MARCUS
I’m sorry to do this…but what did you say? This was the time to do it. Not later.

She stands close to him.

CARLEY
Partners don’t lie. Especially to each other.

MARCUS
It’s too dangerous. I have a chance, I‘m taking it.

CARLEY
I can’t be around you right now.

Marcus pulls her in.

MARCUS
You’ll be transferred. Once they see the tapes. This was the best way.

CARLEY
Why?

MARCUS
For being a cop you sure can’t read people. It’s here. Right here.

CARLEY
I’ll be off the streets. Is that what you want from me?

MARCUS
And safe. I couldn’t take it anymore. Too many close calls.

Carley starting to sense a confession.

CARLEY
You have to say it. I won’t.

Marcus kisses her.

MARCUS
I can’t protect you out there. I did it for us.

CARLEY
Next time…

MARCUS
Shut up and kiss me.

She kisses him back.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom Cycle #6 scene

Logline – Marcus and Carley are partners in the San Diego Sheriff Department. After Marcus shoots and kills a suspect Carley is brought in for her statement.

Essence – Marcus asks Carley to lie before giving her statement and knows she will probably be transferred off the streets. But that’s his play. He wants her safe, off the streets, because he loves her.

INT. SAN DIEGO SHERIFF DEPT. – HALLWAY – DAY

DEPUTY CARLEY WELCH, is sitting outside a closed door, unhappy. Looks miserable and guilty of something.
A few DEPUTIES move past her. Some say “Hi” but most just keep walking.

RANDY MORENO, a suit with a gun, opens the closed door and motions CARLEY inside.

MORENO
Let’s go.

She stands. DEPUTY MARCUS comes out of A ROOM behind Moreno. He is in uniform. Pulls her aside before she goes in.

MARCUS
Sorry to drag you through this.

CARLEY
Are you okay?

MARCUS
Tell ‘em what you saw.

He gets close to Carley’s ear.

MARCUS
They’ll believe you. You were the only uniform there.

CARLEY
Like what…You shot him. That’s why we’re here.

MARCUS
I had to protect us both. He pulled a knife…

CARLEY
A knife? I want to help but…

MARCUS
Tell them that. He pulled a knife.

Moreno turns back to Marcus and Carley.

MORENO
Ready?

Marcus prays to Carley. One last time to get it right.

MARCUS
He had a knife.

Carley tugs away from him. Tries to make Moreno thinks it’s business.

CARLEY (LOUD)
Okay Deputy. I’ll get the paperwork to you.

Leaves Marcus standing outside.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – CONTINUOUS

McNEIL, is sitting at a conference table with a big silver MICROPHONE and a pile of yellow legal PADS.
CARLEY takes a chair. McNeil punches a button. Starts RECORDING.

MCNEIL
From the beginning.

CARLEY
I woke up and had a cup of coffee.

MCNEIL
You know what we’re talking about. What happened on River Avenue today?

MORENO
This report is going downtown. I’ve seen them pull people…they’ll take you off the streets.

MCNEIL
Just tell us your side. What happened?

Carley starts again.

CARLEY
There was an APB…211 suspect. White T-shirt and blue jeans moving east on River.

MCNEIL
And.

CARLEY
When we turned on River we saw a male fitting that description. Deputy Marcus pulled over. Tried to question him.

MCNEIL
Why didn’t you call a black and white?

CARLEY
I did.

MORENO
Then.

CARLEY
He wouldn’t listen to commands.

MORENO
Like what?

CARLEY
Like stop. He wouldn’t stop. Then Marcus took him down.

MCNEIL
Anything else?

Long pause. They wait for a reply.

MCNEIL
Nothing.

CARLEY
No.

MCNEIL
Nothing to add.

CARLEY
I was on the radio.

MORENO
That’s it?

CARLEY
When I was in the car I saw a flash. It could have been a knife.

McNeil puts the microphone CLOSER to Vivian.

MCNEIL
A knife?

MORENO
Could have been?

CARLEY
It was. Definitely.

MCNEIL
Definitely what.

CARLEY
A knife. From where I was…it looked like a knife.

MORENO
How far were you?

CARLEY
20 feet.

MORENO
Anything else?

CARLEY
No.

MCNEIL
This is the time to get everything out there.

McNeil turns a page on his legal pad. READS from it.

MCNEIL
We have five witness’ gave statements and not one mentioned a knife.

MORENO
White t-shirt, blue jeans died. They didn’t find a knife.

MCNEIL
You want to change your statement?

Vivian shakes her head.

MORENO
Anything else?

CARLEY
Thank you for the time.

McNeill and Moreno look at their notes. Then at each other. Then at Carley.

MCNEIL
You’re excused.

Carley exits.

INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

MARCUS is waiting. She walks with him for a few feet. He tugs Carley INSIDE another room.

INT. SMALL OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

MARCUS
Did you tell them?

CARLEY
Get the fuck away from me.

MARCUS
I’m sorry to do this…but what did you say? This was the time to do it. Not later.

She stands close to him.

CARLEY
Partners don’t lie to each other.

MARCUS
It’s too dangerous. I have a chance, I‘m taking it.

CARLEY
I can’t be around you right now.

Marcus pulls her in.

MARCUS
You’ll be transferred. Once they see the tapes. This was the best way.

CARLEY
Why?

MARCUS
Why do think? For being a cop you sure can’t read people. It’s here. Right here.

CARLEY
I’ll be off the streets. Is that what you want from me?

MARCUS
And safe. I couldn’t take it anymore. Too many close calls.

Carley starting to sense a confession.

CARLEY
You have to say it. I won’t.

Marcus kisses her.

MARCUS
I can’t protect you out there. I did it for us.

CARLEY
Next time…

MARCUS
Shut up and kiss me.

She kisses him back.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom- Lesson 23-QE #5 Scene

Logline – Brandy has been promised by Phillip if she sets up her drug dealing boyfriend, she can avoid charges. However, she has set him up.

Essence – Brandy is playing stupid and playing a drug informant for Phillip. He thinks she is the drug dealer’s dumb girlfriend/client. However, she knows they’re crooked and will steal from the scene and is setting them up instead.

EXT. DERELICT NEIGHBORHOOD HOUSE – EVENING

DEPUTY PHILLIP, undercover, anxious, pulls out a cell phone and pushes a button. He is waiting inside his UNMARKED CRUISER.

DEPUTY PHILLIP
We’re here.

Another UNMARKED VEHICLE pulls up behind him.

He TURNS to the backseat. BRANDY, 24, unsure, silent is sitting behind him.

PHILLIP
Do your thing. It’ll be over.

BRANDY
What are you going to do?

PHILLIP
That’s all we need. I appreciate your cooperation. This will put him away for a long time.

BRANDY
Tell me once more.

PHILLIP
You are one of the special few who can get the done. This keeps you out of prison.

BRANDY
I love hearing that part. It makes me feel important.

PHILLIP
I don’t see why this can’t work out for both of us. You’ve been nothing but cooperative. I thank you for that.

ALEX LIN, another UNDERCOVER DEPUTY opens the backdoor. He sits next to Brandy and opens a BRIEFCASE.

PHILLIP
Detective Lin this is Brandy. She has agreed to do this if we set aside the possession charge. I can get it cleared.

Deputy Lin is a man of few words. He pulls a few WIRES and sets up to plug her into their SYSTEM.

PHILLIP
He’ll be gentle.

BRANDY
Then I can go.

Lin reaches for her bra. Brandy pushes him away.

PHILLIP
This is the hard part. Let him get you hooked up.

BRANDY
One last question. After we get his confession…Can I go? No charges.

PHILLIP
Everything dropped. No arrest.

BRANDY
I just had to hear one last time.

Lin hooks up THE WIRE and sends Brandy outside the sedan.

EXT. DERELICT NEIGHBORHOOD HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Brandy can be seen cautiously approaching the front door.

INT. PHILLIP’S SEDAN – CONTINUOUS

They are listening through a SPEAKER as she goes inside.

BRANDY (O.S.)
How are you doing baby?

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Did you get the money?

BRANDY (O.S.)
Yeah, just like I said.

INT. DERELICT NEIGHBORHOOD HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Antonio is at the dining room table weighing baggies.

ANTONIO
Let me have it.

Brandy puts the money on the table. She turns and tries to walk back out the door.

ANTONIO
Where you going?

BRANDY
I can’t stay.

ANTONIO
Sit down.

BRANDY
You got the money. I gotta go.

EXT. DERELICT NEIGHBORHOOD HOUSE – SAME TIME

Phillips and Lin are OUTSIDE the door. Guns drawn.

INT. DERELICT NEIGHBORHOOD HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Antonio has approached Brandy.

ANTONIO
Where the hell did you get this much money?

BRANDY
I got connections. I got savings.

The door is BLOWN OPEN. Phillips and Lin RUSH the room.

They push Brandy OUTSIDE.

PHILLIP (TO BRANDY)
Go to the car.

Antonio sprints for the kitchen. He reaches the refrigerator and grabs a gun from the freezer.
Phillip puts one through his head. He goes down.

PHILLIP
Why do they run? They always run.

Lin reaches into the freezer grabs a PLASTIC BAG of money. Phillips pulls it out of his hands.

PHILLIP
I’m the one who set this up.

EXT. DERELICT NEIGHBORHOOD HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Brandy is waiting in the car. Phillips opens the door.

PHILLIPS
I thought you said there was cash in the freezer.

BRANDY
That’s where he keeps it.

He grabs her by the wrist and takes her out of the car. Slaps cuffs on her.

BRANDY
I can’t go back in. You promised.

He shoves her inside. Slams the door. Walks over to his sedan with Alex.

PHILLIP
If you want your cut. Go process her…Please.

ALEX
I can do that. Then what?

PHILLIP
We’ll meet up later.

EXT. SAN DIEGO DOCKS – LATE NIGHT

Phillip and Lin are walking to Phillip’s boat slip. They reach a 30ft. WHALER and climb inside.

INT. PHILLIPS BOAT – MOMENTS LATER
Phillip takes the money and pours it on the table.

PHILLIP
We took a drug dealer off the streets today. You’re welcome.

ALEX
With a family.

PHILLIP
It was him or the money. We deserved the money more than him. I wish there was an easier way.

EXT. SAN DIEGO DOCKS – MOMENTS LATER

BRANDY is driving up with a group of other Deputies. She pulls a police issue AK47 from the cruiser.

Locks and Loads. CHEST PUMPS one of the other deputies.

BRANDY
Booo yeah!

CAPT. MORRIS pulls her aside.

CPT. MORRIS
So they didn’t offer you a deal.

BRANDY
Nope.

CPT. MORRIS
If this pans out you’re going to make day shift.

BRANDY
And a gold shield!

Capt. Morris rounds up the group. They all have weapons.

CPT. MORRIS
Brandy show us the way.

BRANDY
Follow me!

She leads the ARMED GROUP down the dock.

• This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – Interest Scene – Lesson 22

This is what I learned doing this assignment – a way to make your reveals more powerful, meaningful, and resonate deeper. Another teacher was talking about a similar concept, and he called it a mask. It was different and I couldn’t control this important tool. The way Hal presented it, alternative reality, cover-up, demand, helped me control and understand the idea of a reveal better with details and vocabulary that made sense to me.

Logline – Vivian is a new kind of social worker who helps people in crisis with police on scene. She places them in needed services. This is a new client for her.

Interest techniques

(Structural)

Surprise –

Jewel doesn’t recognize the surroundings.
JEWEL
This isn’t the way to Rebound.

Suspense –
He PULLS to a covered parking lot. Kaye gets out. He opens his back door and PUSHES Jewel hard against the car.

(Character)

Character changes radically –

KAYE
I want to apologize.
VIVIAN
For what?
KAYE
This is the part that I’m not good at.
VIVIAN
Give it a try.
KAYE
It’s important to be together as a team.

Betrayal –

Vivian’s phone rings. She picks up.
VIVIAN
They should have been there an hour ago.

(Dialogue)

Creating a future –

VIVIAN
I found a bed… through Frances. She’s always been fair to you. But you have to promise me… stay… the whole program.

Hook/Anticipatory Dialogue–

KAYE
Let me make it up to you.
VIVIAN
I’m listening.
KAYE
We’ll take good care of her. I can even forget about the suicide comments on the report.

Scene –

EXT. DERELICT HOUSE – AFTERNOON
VIVIAN, late 20’s, has a name tag, seems in charge, comes out with a woman in tow. She edges JEWEL, also 20’s, weathered, looks beaten, to a transport car. DEPUTY KAYE, is waiting.

KAYE
I want to apologize.

VIVIAN
For what?

KAYE
This is the part that I’m not good at.

VIVIAN
Give it a try.

KAYE
It’s important to be together as a team.

VIVIAN
It is…before we get too far…I should let you know… it’s my sister…

KAYE
The new client?

VIVIAN
That’s her.

KAYE
Has she done this before?

VIVIAN
I’m going to get her some help…we’ll finish this later.

KAYE
When you file a complaint it changes the temperature.

VIVIAN
I need to protect my position.

KAYE
Let me make it up to you.

VIVIAN
I’m listening.

KAYE
We’ll take good care of her. I can even forget about the suicide comments on the report.

VIVIAN
That’ll help her parole.

KAYE
We’ll go that way.

VIVIAN
Are you sure about this?

KAYE
I’ll take her. It’s a restart for for me.

Vivian TURNS to Jewel.

VIVIAN
I found a bed… through Frances. She’s always been fair to you. But you have to promise me… stay… the whole program.

JEWEL
Take care of each other. Isn’t that what mom always said?

VIVIAN
Nobody else here. Just us two. 30 days.

JEWEL eases into the backseat of the Deputy’s Sedan.
Vivian PUSHES a button on her phone. Kaye’s phone BEEPS.

VIVIAN (TO KAYE)
That’s the address. They’re expecting you.

Kaye glances at the screen.

KAYE
Next time. Talk to me first.
He gets in the car and takes off.

EXT. SAN DIEGO DERELICT HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Vivian is in the front yard with a few other Deputies millings around. She eases into a shaded corner. Vivian dials a number. Speaks into the phone.

VIVIAN
She’s on her way.
Vivian is looking at the other deputies closing the doors and finishing up.

VIVIAN
She’ll be there in a few minutes. Kaye is bringing her. I’m worried about her. What happened? Thanks…
She hangs up.

INT. KAYE’S SEDAN – MOMENTS LATER

Kaye is looking through his REAR VIEW MIRROR. Jewel is quiet, looking out the window.

JEWEL
What’s your story? How do you know my sister?

Kaye isn’t talking. He just makes eye contact and stays mute.
Jewel doesn’t recognize the surroundings.

JEWEL
This isn’t the way to Rebound.

EXT. KAYE'S SEDAN – CONTINUOUS
He PULLS to a covered parking lot. Kaye gets out. He opens his back door and PUSHES Jewel hard against the car.
He starts SEARCHING her. Pockets. Legs. Shoes. Bra. He finds a cell phone and places it on the ROOF.
A wallet. Some change. Clears every cavity.

JEWEL
Is this how you treat new clients?

KAYE
Turn around.

He takes her arms and pulls them BEHIND her back. Cuffs her securely.

EXT. CHULA VISTA GENERAL HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Kaye’s sedan glides to a side entrance. He gets out. OPENS the back door. Yanks Jewel with him.

INT. VIVIAN'S OFFICE – EVENING
Vivian’s phone rings. She picks up.

VIVIAN
They should have been there an hour ago.

INT. PSYCH UNIT – NIGHT
Kaye sits Jewel down on a cold bench and approaches an admittance WINDOW. A NURSE meets Kaye on the counter.
Kaye flashes his badge.

CLERK
What do we got?

KAYE
Suicide attempt.

CLERK
72 hour.

KAYE
Yeah.

She shoves a CLIPBOARD at him. He starts filling out the paper work.

A DOOR opens and TWO BIG ORDERLIES surround Jewel on the bench.

JEWEL
What the hell is this?

KAYE
Take her in.

Jewel JUMPS up and makes a break for the door. She doesn’t get vey far.

The TWO ORDERLIES take her down. She kicks and screams.

JEWEL
Nnnooooo!

They SECURE her and DRAG her inside.
Kaye finishes the paperwork slides it to the Nurse.

KAYE
Take her shoelaces.

NURSE
A danger.

She reaches for the clipboard.

KAYE
Code blue.

She WRITES it on the board.

• This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment was…a movie is really built around 4-5 scenes. (Robert Towne) This statement has stuck with me for years. Hal has shown what happens between those big reveal scenes. Building a DEMAND. COVER-UP. REVEAL. Jordan Peele has talked about comedy and horror connections and reveals. But I never knew how to do it properly. I would just REVEAL. The impact would be minimal, and I wasn’t in control of my art. This section for me has been the best tool I could ever have in my toolbox, and I think it is a skill that when done well, creates the separation between us and the rest of the pack. Thanks again Hal and SWU. You’re amazing.

Logline – Anna shares that her credit card has been stolen with her new boyfriend. She is unaware that he is the one who took it.

(Some necessary set-up information) The night before Anna and her two daughters spent a wonderful date boating with Gary. However, he was setting her up for the credit theft. He was almost uncovered when a previous victim tried to confront him. Anna saw it. He plays it off easily.

DEMAND – Anna finds her credit card compromised and asks her boyfriend for help solving what happened.

COVER-UP – My cover-up involves several scenes, and I chose to show this limited part. In the other portion we saw Gary set-up Anna by faking to forget his credit card and playing on her vulnerabilities as a single mother looking for love. He uses his charm with her daughters to appear sincere and trustworthy. For the audience, given my set-up, his actions twist the story in a whole new direction. But I think it strongly signals the intentions/conventions of my chosen genre.

REVEAL – Gary is a cold-blooded killer hiding in plain sight and artfully preying on vulnerable single mothers through their children.

EXT. CHULA VISTA MIDDLE SCHOOL – THE NEXT MORNING

Ana’s CAR settles into the unloading lane. She doesn’t say much to Jewel, 12 and Vivian, 13 as they escape through the back doors. They find their FRIENDS.

INT. ANA’S CAR – MORNING

ANA CRUZ, late 30’s, hurried and trying to get to work. She just dropped off her two daughters and is navigating the streets of San Diego.

Ana’s PHONE rings. She picks up.

ANA
This is her. Yes.

After listening for a moment she PULLS HARD to the side of the road. Her car comes to a dusty halt. She reaches for her PURSE. Ana empties it on the seat. She rifles through the pile looking for her wallet.

Finds it. Looks for a CARD. Nothing. At least not what she is looking for.

ANA
No, it’s not here. What do you mean charges? I just used it once. Yesterday. What are they? Well obviously I haven’t been to Hawaii overnight. You know what…. I’m just going to come down to the bank. Thank you.

She starts to cry. Then has a second THOUGHT.

ANA
Shit.

She reaches down and picks up the PHONE. Dials.

ANA (leaving a message)
Gary this is Ana…I didn’t know who else to call. Someone charged on my credit card. Maybe someone from the restaurant. They said it might be fraud. They think I did it! I don’t have anyone else to call. Can you meet me at the bank? I can be there by 9.

She hangs up.

EXT. NAVY CREDIT UNION – LATER

Ana enters the side parking lot. Looks around for GARY. At first she doesn't see him.
She starts to pick up her phone. The DOOR opens. GARY gets inside. GARY GILMOUR, 40, relaxed, controlling, unfazed.

GARY
What happened?

ANA
They called and said there was a problem with my credit card. Three thousand dollars in charges.

GARY
Who were they?

ANA
The bank.

GARY
Banks… They’re all crooked.

ANA
The card is missing.

GARY
You had it last night. Did you come straight here?

ANA
Yeah….wait…this morning…I did stop and file a police report.

GARY
Let me see it.

She rifles through her purse.

ANA
I know I had it.

Ana stops her search for a moment…REMEMBERS something.

ANA
Who was that girl last night?

She hands Gary the paper. He turns away reading the REPORT.

GARY
What girl?

ANA
In the parking lot. She looked upset.

She gets his attention.

GARY
Oh her…These people are mad around here. I parked in her spot by accident.

He gives her back THE POLICE REPORT.

Gary has A STRANGE LOOK on his face as he turns his head to scan the parking lot. She is still checking her purse one last time.
He reaches into his jacket and takes out a HANDKERCHIEF. Suddenly…

He covers Ana’s face with the CLOTH. She kicks a few times but the DRUG quickly takes effect. Her EYES gloss over and she’s out.

Gary pulls her LIMP BODY away from the driver’s side. He takes her place making sure she is secure in the passenger seat.
He takes the POLICE REPORT out of her purse and pockets it. Gary starts the CAR and disappears into the city streets.

EXT. ESCONDIDO OCEANSIDE CLIFF – LATER

GARY gets out of the car. It is quiet, isolated.

ANA’S BODY is still limp as he pulls her back to the driver’s seat. He takes extra time to buckle her in and unearth any EVIDENCE left behind. He stares down the road. Empty.

The road is on top of a BLUFF that falls straight to the ocean. You can hear WAVES crashing against the rocky cliffs.

Without a second thought, Gary pushes the car and runs along side. It begins to gain speed. LAUNCHES. The SPLASH makes him look around. It floats for ten to fifteen seconds. Then takes in saltwater and disappears. We LINGER on the clear, blue water.

Gary continues down the quiet road unnoticed.

• This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – Lesson 20 Character Relationships

What I learned doing this assignment was … very little is not on the chopping block. You begin writing a story with an interest, a character, a situation, or ? But as you progress through your writing you see ways to make it better…improve it. Reading Truby’s book…he was the first one to introduce me to the possibility of the main character not being the most interesting character. I’d never considered that. But as it began to sink in, I realized you can change your character trait(s), elevate conflict, contrast more with other characters and ideas. Intuitively I understood. But Hal is my hero… I love the way he is walking us through the process and demonstrating how to elevate and control your characters, conflict, and story. I learned the tools and methods to elevate my writing. Amen.

Vivian – Empathetic, Driven, Wounded, Competitive
Jewel – Intelligent, Fearless, Defective, Vengeful
Kaye – Deceptive, Antagonistic, Forward Thinking, Controlling
Frances – Helpful, Patient, Unwavering, Principled

VIVIAN / JEWEL

These two characters were designed to be in conflict but eventually come together. Vivian’s competitive, driven traits in the end will help with Jewel’s Intelligence, fearlessness to be effective together when they overcome their initial wounds. Getting past Jewel’s vengeful and defective nature will cause conflict with Vivian’s wounded trait. As sisters nobody can push the sword deeper. Conflict, subtext, and competition will be the result. *I changed one trait of Vivian from anger to competitive. This elevated the sister relationship in conflict and competition.

VIVIAN / KAYE

Vivian is empathetic and makes her an easy target for Kaye’s deceptive and forward-thinking nature. However, Vivian’s completive and driven traits will become trouble for Kaye as she causes his controlling nature to be challenged. When her wounded trait meets his antagonist trait, she becomes vulnerable, and he can resort to emotional abuse. When her driven and his forward thinking come together, they are capable of rapport. So rapport, conflict, and subtext can describe their relationship. *I had Kaye as one of the main antagonists for Vivian and a colleague but by adding some rapport I think I improved their arc so when his deception and betrayal is revealed it is more of an emotional jolt for Vivian.

VIVIAN /FRANCES

Frances is Vivian’s guardian and mentor. Together they were designed to be a great team but Vivian’s trait of wounded and Frances as unwavering will shake their solid foundation. Frances’ trait of Principled will challenge Vivian to push her of her comfort zone. So like a parent scolding a child these emotions can linger and sting for both these women. Their relationship will be based in rapport, but there will be contrast, conflict and subtext. * This relationship was designed as an ally and mentor for my main character so changing Vivian from anger to competitive will add more subtext and competition to their relationship.

• This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Diane – Thanks for posting your scene. I was going over the interest techniques and I think you used all of them. Kudos… You’re a good finisher on your scenes…whenever I start reading I want to see more. I think that’s a good thing. Your situation was built with conflict, set-ups and pay-offs. Keep going you have a lot talent!

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom : Lesson 17 Scene

Logline – Maxine is a crisis intervention specialist. Her younger sister has just unexpectantly become one of her first clients and fled her rehab facility before she even started the program.

Essence – Maxine is torn and embarrassed about the details of her sister’s case. Maxine and her sister were both severely wounded from events of the past. However, Maxine overcame the trauma in a constructive way and her sister turned to anger and revenge. This scene is the beginning of an arc that uncovers the depths of her sister’s anger.

Trait changed on Maxine – From Paranoid to Compassionate

EXT. ANA’S OUTREACH – MORNING

MAXINE CRUZ, late 20’s, dressed in a office suit, finds parking and heads for the FRONT DOOR. She pulls out her KEYS to find the door already UNLOCKED.
SURPRISED she looks inside. RENEE WARD, early 30’s, Office Manager, is sitting at her desk punching a keyboard.

RENEE
Oh there you are…I was looking at the grants. These new clients need to finish their programs…or at least participate better.

MAXINE
You’re right. We need to figure out a better way.

RENEE
I have a few suggestions.

MAXINE
We’ll sit down…not now…when it’s the right time.

Maxine sees her office LIGHT ON and goes inside.

RENEE (YELLING)
The guy was out front earlier. Got you one of those coffees.

MAXINE
How did you know…I needed some caffeine.

RENEE
Always looking out for my team.

Vivian peels off her jacket. Takes a sip of her coffee. Finds a FILE on her desk. Goes back out to Renee holding the file.

MAXINE
Where did this come from?

RENEE
Frances brought it late last night. I don’t know why she didn’t just wait until today.

MAXINE
Must be something important. Frances can smell it out.
Did you read it?

Renee avoids eye contact. She presses more KEYS on her computer.

RENEE
Did you want me to…look it over… I usually don’t unless you say something.

Maxine looks at the file. Then to Renee.

RENEE
It might have opened as I was putting it on your desk. What was I supposed to do…?

Vivian lifts the file. Feels THICK in her hand.

MAXINE
She has a pretty wide jacket.

RENEE
A few family secrets inside there.

MAXINE
We were close. I wish I would have tried harder. We shared a room for 12 years.

RENEE
You should open it.

MAXINE
Some of these details are confidential.

RENEE
I know that…now.

MAXINE
It can’t get out of this room.

RENEE
Especially page 3.

MAXINE
Whatever is in this file needs to stay in the office.

RENEE
Your eyes only. Mine a little. But look at it.

Vivian opens the file.

RENEE
Do you think it was her…I’m surprised they let her out.

MAXINE
I never understood her. Jewel struggled with the whole transition.

RENEE
How did she slide out of that one?

Maxine shrugs.

MAXINE
We lost touch.

RENEE
Look at page three.

MAXINE
You didn’t tell anyone else… Did you?

RENEE
No. Open it!

Maxine starts thumbing through the file.

RENEE
A computer science degree in a year and a half. Who does that…from prison!

MAXINE
She’s smart. It must have been hard for her.

RENEE
Why do you think she ended up here? Look at page 22.

Maxine finds the page.

RENEE
They had a call center. She was supervisor at seventeen. They were bringing in six figures…under the table!

MAXINE
Rehabilitation. She looks lost on paper.

FRANCES WILLIAMS, 50ish, another case worker and mentor to Maxine, comes in the front door.

FRANCES
Somebody got suspended for that one.

MAXINE
Renee told me you dropped this off last night.

FRANCES
Another set of eyes. I need your input.

MAXINE
We all have to be together on this one.

FRANCES
Gather all the resources.

MAXINE
I don’t know what happened to her.

FRANCES
Renee texted me some of the details.

Maxine turns to Renee. Long stare. She plays it off.

RENEE
I can’t be perfect all the time.

MAXINE
That was a big decision to make on your own.

RENEE
I thought she should know.

FRANCES
Your sister never made it to roll call this morning.

MAXINE
She probably thought her connections would be enough. We have to track her down.

Maxine waves Frances toward her. They walk together.

RENEE
We’re a team here…remember.

MAXINE (TO FRANCES)
Let’s go inside my office… See what they did for her in Chino. Maybe it’s something we can build on.

Maxine leads her into the office. Closes the door.

Renee pushes a BUTTON on her office phone. She can HEAR their conversation.

FRANCES (V.O.)
She’s done this before.

MAXINE (V.O.)
Worse. Every time we try to put the pieces back together.

INT. MAXINE'S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

As Maxine eases into her desk…

She sees a SMALL RED LIGHT blinking on her console. Frances is finishing her sentence. Maxine taps a small button.

EXT. MAXINE'S OFFICE– CONTINUOUS

On Renee –

Their voices DISAPPEAR. Renee pushes the button again. The voices REAPPEAR.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom : Lesson 17 Scene

Logline – Maxine is a crisis intervention specialist. Her younger sister has just unexpectantly become one of her first clients and fled her rehab facility before she even started the program.

Essence – Maxine is torn and embarrassed about the details of her sister’s case. Maxine and her sister were both severely wounded from events of the past. However, Maxine overcame the trauma in a constructive way and her sister turned to anger and revenge. This scene is the beginning of an arc that uncovers the depths of her sister’s anger.

Trait changed on Maxine – From Paranoid to Compassionate

EXT. ANA’S OUTREACH – MORNING

MAXINE CRUZ, late 20’s, dressed in a office suit, finds parking and heads for the FRONT DOOR. She pulls out her KEYS to find the door already UNLOCKED.
SURPRISED she looks inside. RENEE WARD, early 30’s, Office Manager, is sitting at her desk punching a keyboard.

RENEE
Oh there you are…I was looking at the grants. These new clients need to finish their programs…or at least participate better.

MAXINE
You’re right. We need to figure out a better way.

RENEE
I have a few suggestions.

MAXINE
We’ll sit down…not now…when it’s the right time.

Maxine sees her office LIGHT ON and goes inside.

RENEE (YELLING)
The guy was out front earlier. Got you one of those coffees.

MAXINE
How did you know…I needed some caffeine.

RENEE
Always looking out for my team.

Vivian peels off her jacket. Takes a sip of her coffee. Finds a FILE on her desk. Goes back out to Renee holding the file.

MAXINE
Where did this come from?

RENEE
Frances brought it late last night. I don’t know why she didn’t just wait until today.

MAXINE
Must be something important. Frances can smell it out.
Did you read it?

Renee avoids eye contact. She presses more KEYS on her computer.

RENEE
Did you want me to…look it over… I usually don’t unless you say something.

Maxine looks at the file. Then to Renee.

RENEE
It might have opened as I was putting it on your desk. What was I supposed to do…?

Vivian lifts the file. Feels THICK in her hand.

MAXINE
She has a pretty wide jacket.

RENEE
A few family secrets inside there.

MAXINE
We were close. I wish I would have tried harder. We shared a room for 12 years.

RENEE
You should open it.

MAXINE
Some of these details are confidential.

RENEE
I know that…now.

MAXINE
It can’t get out of this room.

RENEE
Especially page 3.

MAXINE
Whatever is in this file needs to stay in the office.

RENEE
Your eyes only. Mine a little. But look at it.

Vivian opens the file.

RENEE
Do you think it was her…I’m surprised they let her out.

MAXINE
I never understood her. Jewel struggled with the whole transition.

RENEE
How did she slide out of that one?

Maxine shrugs.

MAXINE
We lost touch.

RENEE
Look at page three.

MAXINE
You didn’t tell anyone else… Did you?

RENEE
No. Open it!

Maxine starts thumbing through the file.

RENEE
A computer science degree in a year and a half. Who does that…from prison!

MAXINE
She’s smart. It must have been hard for her.

RENEE
Why do you think she ended up here? Look at page 22.

Maxine finds the page.

RENEE
They had a call center. She was supervisor at seventeen. They were bringing in six figures…under the table!

MAXINE
Rehabilitation. She looks lost on paper.

FRANCES WILLIAMS, 50ish, another case worker and mentor to Maxine, comes in the front door.

FRANCES
Somebody got suspended for that one.

MAXINE
Renee told me you dropped this off last night.

FRANCES
Another set of eyes. I need your input.

MAXINE
We all have to be together on this one.

FRANCES
Gather all the resources.

MAXINE
I don’t know what happened to her.

FRANCES
Renee texted me some of the details.

Maxine turns to Renee. Long stare. She plays it off.

RENEE
I can’t be perfect all the time.

MAXINE
That was a big decision to make on your own.

RENEE
I thought she should know.

FRANCES
Your sister never made it to roll call this morning.

MAXINE
She probably thought her connections would be enough. We have to track her down.

Maxine waves Frances toward her. They walk together.

RENEE
We’re a team here…remember.

MAXINE (TO FRANCES)
Let’s go inside my office… See what they did for her in Chino. Maybe it’s something we can build on.

Maxine leads her into the office. Closes the door.

Renee pushes a BUTTON on her office phone. She can HEAR their conversation.

FRANCES (V.O.)
She’s done this before.

MAXINE (V.O.)
Worse. Every time we try to put the pieces back together.

INT. MAXINE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

As Maxine eases into her desk…

She sees a SMALL RED LIGHT blinking on her console. Frances is finishing her sentence. Maxine taps a small button.

EXT. MAXINE’S OFFICE– CONTINUOUS

On Renee –

Their voices DISAPPEAR. Renee pushes the button again. The voices REAPPEAR.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Diane,

Good work on the scene. You did a lot solid stuff. The setting, the conflict, the characters were very effective. I think
the best part was the ending. You really tied it all together…I think that’s the mark of good writing…I walked away from
your scene and wished mine had an ending as solid as yours….Keep it going…ps. trying to catch…keep up…I’m just chugging along.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – QE #3 Lesson

Logline – Nancy Cruz has just opened a new Outreach that is beginning a new program with local Law Enforcement helping people in crisis. This is a first encounter with her San Diego Sheriff contact.

Essence – Nancy is surprised to learn law enforcement is not very excited to be part of her groundbreaking program. She even takes the position personally considering her deep belief in the work she is doing.

EXT. SAN DIEGO STRIP MALL – MORNING

NANCY CRUZ, mid-20’s, pulls her 2015 Toyota to an open parking spot. She grabs an OVERSTUFFED BOX from the backseat and hesitates in front of a glass DOOR.
Her eyes moves above to a freshly painted MARQUEE:

“ANA’S OUTREACH”

You get the feeling THIS MOMENT has been the culmination of a lot of work. A lifetime. She puts down the BOX to admire the title.

A SHERIFF’S SEDAN pulls up.

DEPUTY SQUIRE, late 30’s, steps out. A strong approachable face.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
Looking for Ms. Cruz.

NANCY
I’m Nancy Cruz.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
Just checking in from the department to see if you had any questions. Concerns.

NANCY
Are you the Sheriff Rep?

DEPUTY SQUIRE
I pulled the small straw.

NANCY
To the department.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
That’s right.

NANCY (DISAPPOINTED)
You don’t want to be here.

Nancy stares through him. Not the partner she was expecting.

NANCY
Should I talk to someone else?

Deputy Squire hesitates.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
Look…ideas are easy…in the streets… you never know.

NANCY
Some people need the change.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
I keep telling myself change can be a good thing.

NANCY
But…

DEPUTY SQUIRE
Until somebody gets killed.

NANCY
Or helped.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
I hope you know what you’re getting into.

NANCY
We have a good team.

BRANDON, 30ish, approaches carrying TWO LARGE COFFEES. The Deputy nods, then continues.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
Some of these characters are unpredictable. When it get’s thick you need to know who has your back.

NANCY
Misunderstood. In crisis.

Brandon gives Nancy the coffee.

NANCY
Seems like…what’s your name?

DEPUTY SQUIRE
Squire. Deputy Squire.

NANCY
Doesn’t want to be a part of our new group. So this is San Diego’s finest.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
Slowdown. You got it all crooked.

NANCY
Straighten us out Deputy. Because I’m pretty smart and I think I got your concerns.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
I couldn’t sleep knowing someone as pretty as you got hurt on my watch.

NANCY
Don’t forget my assistant. He’s important too.

Brandon takes a sip of his coffee trying to stay clear of the battle.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
Let’s try to start over. Who knows…it might be different for you.

NANCY
I’ve invested my whole life into this. Looks like we found the weak link.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
These new programs might look fancy on paper…I came by to make sure you were ok. That’s just how concerned about your welfare I am.

NANCY
I think it’s time I called someone a little higher up the chain. The work we are doing here is life changing. The right resources…made a big difference for me.

Deputy Squire reaches in his pocket and takes out a card.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
Dispatch will call. Get the address and the case number.

NANCY
I need someone who is with us.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
My number is there…call me anytime…day or night…I make house calls.

He moves to his sedan.

NANCY
I bet you do…

DEPUTY SQUIRE
Looks like my shift is over…

NANCY
These people need someone like us.

DEPUTY SQUIRE
I’d like to hear more about it. We can finish this another time. Maybe over drinks.

She shakes her head. He drives away.

BRANDON
Not sure I like him.

NANCY
This isn’t the end of this. I’ll be some making some calls. Day and night.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom – Maximum Interest 2 (Lesson 13)

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is …the Max. Interest Techniques. I have been using them without overtly understanding what they were. I was going on instinct. This is the game we are playing…do we go by feel or do we try to elevate things by adding/using these advanced scene methods? What I’ve learned is… use both. If a scene is flat, you can use the Max Interest list and try to bring it higher. This class has shown me ways to increase my range as a writer and gain more control over my art. Sometimes more is better. When that is the direction the scene requires… here is one solid dependable way to get there. It is everything I have been trying to learn. Thank you Hal and SWU.

Logline – Vivian is going out on her first call as a mental crisis first responder. The new client in need turns out to be her sister.

The essence of this scene is that our protagonist is venturing into a dangerous new field of combining social worker/crisis intervention with police work. She is a new breed of first responder, however, to her surprise, her first client turns out to be her younger sister. Unknowingly, her sister has used her to gain access to the policemen who she believes were involved with killing their mother many years previous. I wanted to show how talented Vivian is at working with clients in crisis, yet it is really her sister who is showing deep hidden talent by working her to get to them.

Max. Interest Techniques – Mystery, Creating a future, Uncomfortable Moment, Dilemma – I wanted to begin a big mystery about (What is her sister doing here? Will it threaten Vivian’s new job?) Creating a future – (Will her sister stay in the program?) Uncomfortable Moment of unexpectedly having family in a surprising place. Dilemma of helping a client in crisis.

EXT. SAN DIEGO FLOPHOUSE – AFTERNOON

VIVIAN has her phone to one ear as she passes several DEPUTIES swarming around the front yard.
A handcuffed MALE suspect, ANTONIO, from the Brinks Truck earlier, is being forced down a front walkway by a DEPUTY.
DEPUTY KAYE is walking with the others as all three stop near Vivian. They see a CREDENTIAL hanging from her belt.

DEPUTY KAYE
Just so we’re on the same page we already have one victim. If it gets outa hand…get backup.

VIVIAN
Got it.

DEPUTY KAYE
It was reported as a suicide attempt.

VIVIAN
Where are they?

DEPUTY KAYE
Female. Twenties. She’s inside. No ID yet.

ANTONIO breaks free of the Deputy. Lunges toward VIVIAN.

ANTONIO
Whatever she says…I didn’t fucking do it.

DEPUTY KAYE
Alright…Keep moving.

Kaye points VIVIAN toward the HOUSE.

DEPUTY KAYE
It’s cleared.

VIVIAN
Paramedics already stopped by?

DEPUTY KAYE
She’s stable. I’ll hang around for transport.

VIVIAN gathers herself and turns.

INT. SAN DIEGO FLOPHOUSE – SAME TIME
Vivian sees a DISTRESSED WOMAN sitting on a worn couch. Her back is turned. She is holding an ice pack against her FACE.

VIVIAN
Can I help you?

The WOMAN lifts her head.

VIVIAN
Are you ok?

WOMAN
What!!!

The woman turns to Vivian. We see it is JEWEL. Vivian goes blank for a SECOND. Restarts.

VIVIAN
I’m here to help.

JEWEL
I didn’t call you.

Jewel throws the ice pack on the floor.

VIVIAN
You want to go to the hospital?

Jewel shakes her head “No.”

VIVIAN
It’s important to document everything.

JEWEL
Everything??? Where do we start?

VIVIAN
We have people who can help.

JEWEL
The cops sent you?

VIVIAN
I can get someone.

JEWEL
I don’t want any other cops.

VIVIAN
Trying to kill yourself…We can find a better choice.

JEWEL
God you can be so stupid…I was trying to kill him.

VIVIAN
But you didn’t.

JEWEL
I can’t talk to you.

VIVIAN
Let me call someone else.

JEWEL
Can you just shut up for a minute. Shut up!

Vivian pauses… RETHINKS her strategy.

VIVIAN
How about something by yourself? I can get you your own place.

Jewel chews on the idea for minute. Starts to warm to it.

JEWEL
Away from him.

VIVIAN
You won’t ever have to see him again.

JEWEL
Then what?

VIVIAN
Then you start getting smart.

JEWEL
I don’t have to take his shit?

VIVIAN
No.

JEWEL
You can do that?

VIVIAN
One call.

JEWEL
This isn’t going to mess with my parole.

VIVIAN
Doesn’t have to. No charges.

JEWEL
That could work…Fuck yeah.

EXT. SAN DIEGO FLOPHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
VIVIAN edges JEWEL near a transport car. Kaye is waiting.

VIVIAN (TO KAYE)
I suppose I should let you know… it’s my sister… It’s all set. You can go ahead and transport.

She pushes send on her PHONE.

DEPUTY KAYE
Family…oh well..She’s in…Ok… We’ll take extra good care of her.

He looks at the message. Nods. Vivian turns to Jewel.

VIVIAN
I found a bed… through Frances. She’s always been fair to you. But you have to promise me… stay… the whole program.

JEWEL
Got to take care of myself.

VIVIAN
Nobody else here. Just us two. 30 days.

JEWEL eases into the backseat of the Deputy’s Sedan.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Lesson 12 Ron Neustrom – Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is control and a deeper precision. How can I expand the emotions, actions, conflict within a scene? This can be very hard to control with great depth. For the most part if I want to increase the emotions or conflict within a scene, I increase the actions. That shows a lack of sophistication. This exercise gives me more tools in my belt of other ways of increasing conflict…another way to deepen character. I can setup obstacles to the character’s goals. I can scrape open their deep wounds. I can play with their needs. The tools from this exercise expand the way we can brainstorm and make the effort more effective. Sometimes when I’m brainstorming, I’m just fumbling in the dark. With these lessons I can generate and use those breakthroughs Hal has been talking about. Great writing comes through those breakthroughs…how do we get there? This way of improving scenes gets me closer than I have ever been before.

Current Scene 1 logline: 12- and 13-year-old Jewel and Vivian Cruz are being dropped off at a children’s home after their mother goes missing and they have no other family to take them in. Their social worker was able to pull a few strings and keep them together in a home she trusts.

Essence: These young girls’ lives have been forever altered because their single mother ran into the wrong guy. We know she was killed but the girls don’t. Right now, according to authorities, their mother is just missing. Vivian will try to move on and make the most of her life while Jewel becomes bitter. This is the beginning of a downward spiral for her that will forever change both of them.

*There are four characters in this scene. The two young girls being admitted into the group home, their social worker, and the director of the group home.

Possible Challenges: (Challenges in parentheses)

A. Goal – Smoothly transition custody.
Settle into the new residence. (Jewel refuses to enter the house. They don’t get like the new director. The girls breakdown being separated from their social worker.)

B. Needs – Keep close to my sister. Find our new beds. (They find out they will be separated. They will be in separate rooms with bad roommates. One of them turns ill and needs to go to the emergency room.)

C. Values – Cooperation. Welcoming. Fear. (The director punishes Jewel for her bad attitude. The director runs the home like a drill sergeant. The other children at the home mock them on the way in.)

D. Wound – Missing mother. Extreme insecurity over her disappearance. (The new director tells them to suck it up, she is hers now. The social worker threatens them to get over their mother. Another mother comes to pick up other children.)

E. Physical – Minimizes anger and mental anguish. (The social worker physically forces them into the home. One of the other children in the home assaults them. The director says, “You are mine now.” Locks them in their rooms.)

*Old version – I think I should have made the transition to their new world more challenging.
**Newer version – I am going to build the world of the group home less welcoming. I need to foreshadow impending trouble and have more visuals to reflect and play upon the girl’s apprehension to entering their new home/prison. The juggling act I am trying to accomplish…for one character…the experience is going to be a lot worse…how do I show that here?

2nd Scene Logline – 12 years after their mother was killed Vivian has begun a program working with the San Diego Sheriff department helping people in crisis. One of her first clients is her sister. Her sister came out of prison in crisis. This scene is when Vivian gets a thick file on her sister’s past, and her secretary peaks inside of it without permission. Together they uncover some of the things her sister did while they were separated and some unique things she did while in prison.

Essence – The main part of the story is the relationship between these two sisters after their mother died. The story begins 12 years later, and one sister has moved on with her life and accomplished great things working with people in crisis. While the other sister has focused on tracking down and getting revenge from the person who killed their mother. An important theme in the story is people grieve differently. This is a moment where Vivian realizes her sister is not just angry and broken, but extremely skilled as well.

Possible Challenges (Challenges in parenthesis)

A. Goals – Expose her sister’s unique past. (Have part of her sister’s file include documented things she wouldn’t want to get out. The Sheriff come over and brings more trouble her sister has gotten into. There could be blank or redacted parts of the file. Uncomfortable details revealed.)

B. Needs – Understand her sister as a new client. Keep it professional. (Get angry at her secretary for opening her sister’s file. Information on the file includes problems she might not be able to solve. She details where her sister did inappropriate things that would jeopardize Vivian’s business or put them in danger.)

C. Values – Privacy. Work ethic. Judgements. (Vivian could find out about further abuse her sister received while in the system. Vivian could find out about a suicide attempt by her sister. Vivian could find out about her sister’s relationship with others in the department that she didn’t want anyone to find out about. Maybe a terminated pregnancy.)

D. Wound – Mother’s death and her checkered past. (She might find out that her sister spent some time in a mental hospital after a breakdown. Vivian might begin to realize she feels abandoned or Vivian might think her sister feels abandoned. Vivian might find out about her sister’s trouble with the law. Seeing the file might bring back trauma from her past.)

E. Physical – Important files have been dropped off at Vivian’s office. (They might accidently destroy part of the files. Vivian might destroy part of the files she doesn’t think others should see. The files might get stolen.)

*Old Version – I didn’t really reveal as much as I could have. The old version was designed to reveal her intelligence. It was a little too one dimensional.

**Newer version – I think I should add more of the deep wound and psychological turmoil her sister is suffering from. Begin to set-up the bomb that is going to go off in her sister’s behavior.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom Full-Out characters (lesson 11)

What l’ve learned that is improving my writing… are ways of designing characters with subtexts
and traits that can be used in every scene and create new and heightened levels of conflict.
For instance, I began with my main protagonist as principled, but I think you can take most traits
to the extreme and create more conflict. So I pushed her as a rigid perfectionist
because it would escalate the conflict and create more obstacles with her sister and co-workers.
This is the main relationship in the story. By making specific changes to her traits it ups the conflict,
and it can also open different paths to explore my theme – People grieve differently.
One of my main takeaways from the first 40% of this course is that these traits are carried
with each character in every scene. I always wrote character biographies (outlines) in the beginning then
began to see behavior patterns in some of the better stories and wondered how A-List writers
expanded that. You have shown me a way. List the traits and bring them along to each scene.
Be less subtle and more overt…the overall result will be a stronger reaction from the reader/audience.
I have been looking for ways to get out of the middle and move into the extremes.
Expand my range…This is a clear and effective path for me and how I control my characters and explore my themes.

*ps. I used characters from my own screenplay.

Current Profiles (Old)

Vivian
(Description) – She is devoted to helping those in crisis through her new Outreach Facility.
(Traits)-helpful, skilled, empathetic, focused
(Subtext) – Her mother was killed years ago, and she has spent her life turning to helping others as a way to cope.

Kaye
(Description) He is the Deputy contact working with my main protagonist and isn’t happy about the assignment.
(Traits)-cynical, hidden, connected, cruel
(Subtext) He is in a criminal group that killed Vivian’s mother years before.

Alex
(Description) He is working as one of the new sidekicks in the department and in their criminal activities.
(Traits) – Tech-savvy, follower, humorous,mean
(Subtext) I designed him as an enforcer for the leader of the corrupt Deputies.

Revised Profiles (New)

Vivian
(Description) Vivian chose to help others instead of fully grieving the loss of her mother.
(Traits) Vulnerable, Perfectionist, Driven, Distrustful
(Subtext) Vivian’s sister is also grieving but is using her to find out who killed their mother years before. She will force Vivian’s change from an empathetic social worker to a revenge killer.

Kaye
(Description) He is a coworker that will help Vivian uncover her mother’s killer from years before.
(Traits) Dangerous, Seductive, Unpredictable, Schemer
(Subtext) Kaye works as an undercover Deputy and his new assignment with Vivian gets in the way and creates extra danger for him and his other deputies.

Alex
(Description) Alex is covertly giving information on Vivian and her sister to a corrupt Deputy Gang lead by the man who killed their mother years ago.
(Traits) Highly Skilled, Ruthless, Ambitious
(Subtext) Alex is a loyal but covert Deputy gang enforcer but as the story progresses his ambition will strain his relationship with the other Deputy gang criminals.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

QE 2 Scene rewrite – From Ron

EXT. MOJAVE HIGHWAY DINER – DAY

A SHERIFF’S SEDAN pulls into the hot, desolate parking lot. It’s well past 100 degrees and the sweat rings on DEPUTY NICK’s back have covered his fresh uniform.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – CONTINUOUS

JOHN, late 20’s, looks like a scared puppy hiding in a corner booth. No one else is eating in the old diner. A MEXICAN COOK and a bored WAITRESS, in her late 50’s, don’t jump to attention.
Nick reaches the booth.

NICK
Too damn hot, but I still drove all the way out here because you asked me.

JOHN
I needed you away from the others. You’re the only one that understands where I’m coming from.

NICK
I guess I’m all you got. Hey…look at this.

As he is sitting he pulls a BLACK PISTOL out of his holster.

NICK
Korean. Automatic. Illegal in this country. Let them son of a bitches tell what I can pack.

JOHN
I appreciate the time. You been real good to me. Patient…but I’m not like you.

NICK
I’m a one of a kind.

JOHN
I don’t have the whole department behind me. It’s me. Only me.

NICK
You need to get better at making friends.

JOHN
If I get caught my life is over.

NICK
Sometimes you have to leap.

JOHN
Unions. Lawyers. You can probably wiggle out of this.

Waitress approaches. The mood changes.

WAITRESS
What are you having?

NICK
How about burger, soda?

JOHN
Same. Except gimme a draft.

The waitress grabs the menus.

NICK
I’ll get the check…

JOHN
That’s generous.

NICK
I’m a giver…that’s what they tell me…Did you finish the order?

JOHN
I’m just not sure…I got no one else. I like to keep my promises… especially to people I can trust. I don’t know. There’s a little voice inside.

As NICK turns away JOHN pushes something on his PHONE.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

TWO AGENTS are listening to John and Nick talking. They are sitting around recording equipment with head phones on.

INT. MOJAVE DINER- CONTINUOUS

JOHN
What if I can’t change the numbers?

NICK
The other guys aren’t patient like me. I’ve seen them hurt people.

JOHN
Explain it to me again. I want to make sure I get it right.

Nick takes out A NAPKIN and WRITES something down. He slides it to John.

JOHN
400 K.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

The TWO AGENTS try to get close to the equipment and listen.

AGENT ONE
Did he just give him a paper?

AGENT TWO
I think so.

AGENT ONE
We go when he says it?

AGENT TWO
These guys have been filthy for years. I hate dirty cops.

INT. MOJAVE DINER- CONTINUOUS

NICK
It’s a four way split. Just say you were expecting a big order. You order the cash every week anyway.

JOHN
I got that part…but after the hit you get the cash…What assurances do I have? I’m nervous here. Give me your word.

NICK
What can I do to build a bridge? I want to make you feel as good as possible.

JOHN
I would like to trust you. Sometimes you just have to jump.

NICK
If you back out now. My partners don’t see the world like I do.

JOHN
If I stop now they’ll get mad.

NICK
I know them a little better than you do….They’ll probably disappear you. This is me giving you some insider’s information.

JOHN
I can see it now. No changing my mind. Consequences.

NICK
My guys are ready, but we’re not going until you put in the order. That way there’s enough to spread around.

JOHN
Ok…ok…but you promise…I need your word, I get my cut…

NICK
Did you order the cash?

JOHN
Your word.

NICK
I drove all the way out here didn’t I. I‘m buying lunch. I will personally deliver your cut to you!

JOHN
Ok…

INT. DINER BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

TWO AGENTS listening on the wire.

JOHN (O.S.)
I ordered the cash
.
NICK (O.S.)
It’s done. We’re green on Wednesday.

JOHN (O.S.)
You have to get all the way to the vault. They won’t have much in the drawers.

NICK (O.S.)
Just make sure the kitty is full… So you placed the order?

JOHN
I did it this morning.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

Two agents are GEARING UP. They are checking their weapons.

AGENT ONE
He said it’s a go.

AGENT TWO
On tape.

They BURST into the main dining room GUNS drawn.
Nick is HOLDING John with a gun to his HEAD.

NICK
Stay back!

AGENT ONE
Put it down.

NICK
He’s coming with me.

Nick moves toward the front door.

AGENT ONE
Stop.

Nick blows them away with his Korean Special. He drags John to the backroom. Grabs the tapes. Shoves them in his pocket.
He pulls John with him as he throws some money on the table.

NICK (to the cook and waitress)
Have a good day.

They get outside. He forces John into the SEDAN as he peels away.

WAITRESS
Should we call 911?

• This reply was modified 7 months, 4 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Logline – John is a bank manager who has been forced by federal agents to set-up his partners in a planned bank robbery.

Essence – Trying to persuade powerful, scary people to incriminate themselves to save yourself.

EXT. MOJAVE DESERT – HIGHWAY DINER – DAY

A SHERIFF’S SEDAN pulls into a hot, desolate parking lot. It’s well past 100 degrees and the sweat rings on DEPUTY SHERIFF NICK’s back have covered his fresh uniform. He’s not happy as he gets out and finds his way inside.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – CONTINUOUS

JOHN, late 20’s, looks like a puppy waiting in a corner booth. No one else is inside the old diner except for a MEXICAN COOK and a WAITRESS, in her late 50’s.
Nick reaches the booth.

NICK
Too damn hot.

JOHN
I needed you away from the others.

NICK
No one else gracious enough to drive this far… Look at this.
As he is sitting he pulls a BLACK PISTOL out of his holster.

NICK
Korean. Automatic. Illegal in this country. Let them son of a bitches tell what I can pack.

JOHN
I appreciate the time… but I’m not like you.

NICK
How’s that?

JOHN
I don’t have the whole department in my pocket. It’s me. Only me.

NICK
You need to get better at making friends.

JOHN
This is more than I’ve ever done…If I get caught my life is over.

NICK
I’m good for this. Don’t worry.

JOHN
Cops. Unions. Lawyers. You can probably wiggle out of this.
Waitress approaches. The mood changes.

WAITRESS
What are you having?

NICK
How about burger, soda?

JOHN
Same. Except gimme a draft.
The waitress grabs the menus.

NICK
I’ll get the check…

JOHN
That’s generous.

NICK
I’m a giver…that’s what they tell me…Did you finish the order?

JOHN
I’m just not sure…I got no one else. I like to keep my promises… especially to people I can trust. But you’re testing me. I don’t know. There’s a little voice inside.

As NICK turns away JOHN pushes something on his PHONE.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

TWO AGENTS are listening to John and Nick talking. They are RECORDING. Next to them are several AR15 RIFLES.

INT. MOJAVE DINER- CONTINUOUS

JOHN
What if I can’t change the numbers?

NICK
The other guys aren’t patient like me. I’ve seen them hurt people.

JOHN
Explain it to me again. I want to make sure I get it right.
Nick takes out A NAPKIN and WRITES something down. He slides it to John.

JOHN
400 K. You want me to order this much cash?

NICK
It’s a four way split. You order the cash every week anyway. Just say you were expecting a big order. A big event. Besides you’re the manager.

JOHN
I got that part…but after the hit you got the cash…What assurances do I have? How do I get my cut? I’m nervous here. Give me your word.

NICK
What can I do to build a bridge?

JOHN
I’m going to do it!! I deserve something to show for all my hard work. Ok. You’ll get me my cut. I want to trust you. Sometimes you just have to jump.

NICK
My guys are ready, but we’re not going until you put in the order. That way there’s enough to spread around.

JOHN
Ok…ok…but you promise…I need your word, I get my cut…

NICK
Did you order the cash?

JOHN
Your word.

NICK
I drove all the way out here didn’t I. I‘m buying lunch. I’ll will personally deliver your cut to you!

JOHN
Ok…

INT. DINER BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

TWO AGENTS listening on the wire.

JOHN (O.S.)
I ordered the cash.

NICK (O.S.)
It’s done. We’re green on Wednesday. My colleagues never miss.

JOHN (O.S.)
Go early…You have to get all the way to the vault. They won’t have much in the drawers.

NICK (O.S.)
Just make sure the kitty is full… So you placed the order?

JOHN
I did it this morning.

INT. MOJAVE DINER – BACKROOM – CONTINUOUS

Two agents are GEARING UP. The are checking their weapons.

AGENT ONE
Ready. He said it’s a go.

AGENT TWO
Let’s take him.

They BURST into the main dining room GUNS drawn.
Nick is HOLDING John with a gun to his HEAD.

NICK
Stay back!

AGENT ONE
Put it down.

Nick moves toward the front door and gets outside. He forces John into the SEDAN as he peels away.
The TWO AGENTS are left in the doorway.

AGENT TWO
Call it in.

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.
• This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron on posting

I got a little mixed up on where to post lessons, revised lessons, and feedback. I'm going with feedback here and Cycle Lessons on their number…ie. Cycle 2 Lesson write is Lesson 8. We'll see if I have it right…posting is a work in progress. Going through the last lesson (Cycle 1) they had 3 rewrites. Not sure if they are to be posted on the lesson numbers or in 3 different areas? Eventually we'll get it.

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Diane…my moto is no stress. We’ll do what we can and grow as writers. I’ve taken these classes for about 3 years and every single time I was the only one in the class or the others didn’t respond. This portion of the replies and discussions… I have never been a part of. It’s new for me to critique other’s work. So thanks for the opportunity. We’ll be patient with each other. However, I am committed to follow through until the end of the course. Good luck to both of us.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Feedback for Diane –

I didn’t think anyone else was taking the class …I really appreciate the feedback on my Cycle 1 scene… It was helpful and validated a lot of my own thoughts and highlighted some areas for growth.

Feedback Cycle 1 Scene for Diane –
I thought the overall scene was great and easy to follow. This process of checking off boxes with traits and subtext is a challenge to me, but I thought you made it work effectively. You took us through the arc and created situations that I felt showed a comfort with dialogue and character.

Character Traits
Trent – His aggressiveness was dominant throughout, but he also showed meticulous and conspiring. Needy was innately difficult to blend with aggressive however, I thought you managed to work that in well.

Robert – Low-self-esteem dominated, but you used smooth, secretive, and gregarious effectively. His reaction to the beating was a surprise and a twist that elevated things to the next level.

Subtext – I think you nailed Robert on the gossip, however Trent was a little less clear. I think he was supposed to pretend to be wealthy.

Overall – Great effort. A pleasure to read and learn from. You worked in the traits and subtext to almost everything and completed the assignment at a very high level. It showed you had command with character and situation. Thanks for the opportunity.

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Cycle 1 QE Scene Post -1

INT. FORDHAM UNIVERSITY-FRATERNITY HOUSE – NIGHT
COLLEGE STUDENTS celebrating the end of a spring semester. Lot’s of alcohol, loud music and out of control bodies squeezing through the tight hallways.
TRENT ROMANO, 20’s, frat boy, stops BETH and MINDY as they pass. They are STRIPPERS who just finished performing a set upstairs.

TRENT
You girls nailed it. Very talented.

BETH
Thanks.

ROBERT BARNES, 20’s, another one of the frat boys comes over. He’s more than a little drunk.

ROBERT
They said you girls were fucking amazing…and I missed it.

TRENT
Artists. We got two Picassos here.

Beth and Mindy giggle.

TRENT
However, we have an opportunity for a little more community service. You girls in?

BETH
What are we talking about?

TRENT
I know people, who know people.

Trent shows her two hundred dollar bills.

MINDY
I gotta work in the morning.

BETH
Just stay…I got rent this week.

She turns to Trent.

BETH
I’m in….ten minutes.

TRENT
You’re the professional.

Trent grabs Robert by the shoulder.

TRENT
You’re doing me a favor.

ROBERT
What are you saying?

TRENT
How about a private show? One of the artists and you.

Robert sways a little losing his balance.

ROBERT
That would be a solid…wait this can’t get out. My girlfriend would fucking kill me.

TRENT
Between you and me… No one else.

Trent turns to Beth.

TRENT
What’s your name?

BETH
Beth.

TRENT
And Beth.

BETH (PLEADING TO MINDY)
Just wait…

MINDY
No way…

BETH
I’ll split it with you.

Mindy finally relents.

MINDY
Ten minutes…then I’m going.

TRENT
We can use the basement…quiet down there. You can scream all you want.

Trent starts to lead Robert to the basement.

TRENT
Go ahead … we’ll be right behind you. I just gotta pay the girls first. A few bills…no problem.

Robert starts to the basement. Trent waits until he is down the stairs.
He gives the 2 HUNDREDS to Beth. She grabs Mindy and heads out the door.

MINDY
What the hell was that all about?

BETH
I’ll tell you later.

Trent looks over to a group of GUYS talking in a corner. He signals ONE of them.
The OTHERS follow his lead to go downstairs.

INT. FRATERNITY HOUSE BASEMENT – MOMENTS LATER
Robert is stumbling around trying to take his pants off. He almost falls as the door opens.

ROBERT
Beth…I really appreciate this.

He suddenly notices Trent has lead a GROUP of GUYS into the room.

ROBERT
It’s going to be a group thing? I don’t know if I’m down with that.

TRENT
Close the door.

One of the guys reaches for a bat in the corner. Robert starts to puts his pants back on.

ROBERT
If this is about the pictures… I can take them down.

TRENT
My family says I can’t let things go…but I’m working on it.

Trents grabs the bat from the other guy. He brutally hits Robert in the knee shattering his kneecap.
Robert WAILS like a new born.
The other guys surround Robert and hold him down as Trent continues the beating.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom Maximum Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing…A word you used that resonated with me was fluently. One of my goals has been to control my art with more ease. When I need to reach down deep and come up with something powerful these tools are the secret sauce, The Maximum Interest Techniques. If we apply these tools our writing will elevate many levels. I didn’t recognize before that so many of these tools can be used in a single scene. It is a big step forward for me in controlling the quality of my scenes and gain that fluency in screenwriting.

Logline – One of my main characters, Jewel, has been trying to expose the men who killed her mother years ago. She got too close and now they have used their many resources to place her in an off-grid hospital. After a small battle she talks to her sister and tries to get help.

Essence – Jewel is a character people always underestimate. She is more motivated, resourceful, and dangerous than they expect. The essence of this scene – this is part of her sister’s arc in coming over to her deep understanding about the men she is working with.

Maximum Interest Techniques used:

1. Suspense
2. Surprise
3. Character changes radically
4. Uncertainty
5. Added Intrigue
6. Superior Position/Dramatic Irony (You wouldn’t know this unless you read the whole story, but it’s here.)

INT. CHULA VISTA GENERAL HOSPITAL – LATE NIGHT

An ORDERLY unlocks a mesh wire door. He enters an isolated hallway and relocks the door behind himself.

INT. ISOLATED HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

He is looking through rooms. Stops in front of one. Something has caught his attention. He glares inside.

INT. JEWEL’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Jewel stirs in her steel bed. Her dirty hair is matted against her cracked lips. She tries to move her tongue around to get some moisture. She looks as though she is coming out of a coma.
She HEARS the key enter her locked door.

EXT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

The ORDERLY peeks up and down the hall. He slides into the quiet room.

INT. JEWEL’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The Orderly glances down to see Jewel still asleep.
He gets closer to her face, uses his tongue to lick her cheek. He looks for her reaction. She doesn’t move.
He takes a SYRINGE out of his shirt pocket.
He gapes out the small hallway window one last time. There is no one in either direction.
He turns back to see JEWEL standing before him.
She knees him in the groin. He gasps from the blow. She snatches the syringe from his hand.
Jewel the plunges the needle into his back. After a few moments he collapses to the floor and convulses a few times.
Jewel kicks him to confirm he’s out.
She searches through several of his pockets and finds a CELL PHONE. She reaches down and takes the keys.
She punches in a number. Lifts the phone to her ear.

INT. JEWEL’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Jewel inches into the hallway and notices the caged door.

INT. SAN DIEGO CRISIS CENTER – LATE NIGHT -CONTINUOUS

Frances picks up.
FRANCES
San Diego Crisis Center. Can I help you?

INT. JEWEL’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Jewel is whispering.
JEWEL
Frances?

INT. SAN DIEGO CRISIS CENTER – CONTINUOUS

FRANCES
Who is this?

INT. JEWEL’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

JEWEL
Cut the recorder.

INT. SAN DIEGO CRISIS CENTER – CONTINUOUS

FRANCES
Who is this?
Vivian picks up a headset.

VIVIAN
Jewel?

INT. JEWEL’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

JEWEL
Nothing on tape.

INT. SAN DIEGO CRISIS CENTER – CONTINUOUS

Vivian signals for Frances to stop recording. Frances taps a button.

VIVIAN
We’re off.

INT. JEWEL’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
JEWEL

I’m locked up. Think I’m off the books.

INT. SAN DIEGO CRISIS CENTER – CONTINUOUS
FRANCES

Where you at?

VIVIAN
Jewel is it Kaye?

INT. JEWEL’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

JEWEL

All of ‘em.
The line cuts off.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom Profiles People

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing: This is one of the most valuable lessons I have ever been a part of. It promotes deep understanding of your characters and consistency: both important to a solid script. The script excerpt from LOST helped me see the skill in action. Also it helps with the connection between core traits and expression. How do we express these traits or how are these traits expressed…this lesson helps with that process.

*I adapted the assignment by listing previous interactions I had with my profile characters to establish my experience of their traits.

Person 1(Beck)

Generous, Talented, Cruel, Controlling

One time at a Thanksgiving celebration she took the turkey we brought and fed it to her family first without telling us to sit down and eat. Last week she got four new listings in a tight real estate market. This week she hosted a funeral for her father-in-law at her home for 125 people. Last month she allowed her father-in-law to come into their house for hospice care and helped take care of him but also made her husband do most of the work. She had a few drinks and called my daughter a Heffer (She’s has weight issues and is sensitive about it). She caught her husband cheating and has made his life a living hell by telling everyone in the family about it. But didn’t leave him. She made him pay for tens of thousands of dollars of couples’ therapy. She made him attend church bi-weekly for the last year and a half. She made him work from home because she doesn’t trust him in an office setting anymore.

Person 2 (Lloyd)

Unpredictable, Crass, Heroic, Selfish

One time he came to our house and started lecturing our 14-year-old son on getting pussy and getting laid. He stops by at random times without calling first. He goes into stories about killing Arabs in Afghanistan and being a sniper. He tells gay jokes about the things we do. One time playing basketball in a public park he defended me against two other black dudes. They jumped him and beat the crap out of him. He took our script and re-wrote it taking my name off it and submitted it to producers. He’s taken two tours of duty in Afghanistan. He is in a band with his daughter.

Person 3 (Thong)

Gentle, Impulsive, Jealous, Abusive

One time while renting a room from a seventy-five-year-old neighbor she locked her in her bedroom and wouldn’t let her come out. She called the police on my seventy-year-old mother-in-law for battery after she bullied her relentlessly. She made a CD of extreme religious songs because she was thinking about me. She was forbidden to come to her mother in laws house for calling the police on her but was still seen in the neighborhood spying on their party. Flew into a rage because her husband ate something before he came home for dinner. She wants him only to eat food she prepares…and she’s not a good cook. She went to her husband’s ex’s job and got her fired by spreading lies. She was arrested for sexual abuse on a male minor. She’s had seven kids and at some point, has lost custody of all of them. Two of her daughters have died from drug overdoses. She called child services on her daughter and had her children taken away. Once at a car club show she went to the director and told him her husband and my daughter were having sex because her husband didn’t want her to come to the show.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom Puts Essence to Work

HW Creative Mastery (1st HW) 5 scenes w/essence work

*What I learned from this assignment…there are things you cling to in a scene…there is an underlying reason for it being there (subtext)… One great writer said…if what’s really happening is what’s really happening in a scene – then you’re in trouble…with all that being said a scene has to work on its own…I think that is the challenge…making a scene work on its own but be part of the bigger puzzle and progress the story.

1. INT. HARBOR RESTAURANT – p.9– (logline/essence) This scene is designed to introduce a complicated relationship between two sisters after a tragic childhood trauma, estrangement, and reuniting after 12 years. It is designed to highlight the awkwardness and distance between the two sisters, but they also have a shared tragedy that changed the course of their lives. It is bursting with essence and integral to the visual, character, and mystery of the story concepts. I chose this scene because it needs to be the absolute best it can be. (new essence) If it can be improved in the area of essence, I think the deepest possible essence are two people grieving and one believes revenge would help while the other believes that improving yourself is the most important thing. One won’t be fulfilled until her revenge plan is executed and the other feels complete and fulfilled by helping others. They represent two different ways people grieve. The story is an argument between who is right. After victim trauma do we repair ourselves or do we go after the traumatizers?

2. INT. SAN DIEGO DERELICT HOUSE p. 29– (logline/essence) This scene is designed as a big twist in the story. It functions less on character and more on the needs of the plot. I have tried to reveal a surprising aspect of Jewel’s character and deepen several important relationships for the two sisters…but the core of the scene is a surprising twist to the story where Vivian’s first client in her Outreach business is her own sister. This relationship is central to my concept and it is a way to elevate and deepen their use of each other and stay connected to my main storyline. (new essence) The most important part of this scene is to have it unfold in a natural way. It is vital that it does not feel forced or contrived. This is an important new essence to this scene. What do you do when you have something that is designed to happen and trying to make it feel a natural part of the story? What if you are tied to a plot point that could easily come across as contrived? I need to be at the highest level of my game. The moving parts have to come together in a natural way. One way might be to break it up and transition into several pieces, especially if I am trying to get too ambitious with a single scene.

3. INT. ANA’S OUTREACH – p. 48 (logline/essence) The Deputy involved with killing her mother is also working with her as a Sheriff Department co-worker. He is also responsible for her sister’s recent disappearance. They have just discovered her mother’s body, and she thinks he is informing her that her sister is dead. Instead he is trying to communicate it is her mother’s body and this news unleashes deeply hidden emotional issues for her. She explodes in an emotional rant, and we get a glimpse into her unresolved issues from her mother’s death. (new essence) I think I could do a better job at exposing this scene as revealing her unresolved issues that will contribute to difficulties with her relationship with her sister. Also, it is an opportunity to understand the reach and control of the antagonists. This is something her sister has been trying to get her recognize and address since the beginning of the story. However, she sees it as a lie and doesn’t understand the truth until the crisis. Her sister was right. This scene moves Vivian along the next step in her arc of character change.

4. EXT. NAVY CREDIT UNION – p.60 (logline/essence) I think in many ways this is the trickiest scene of my entire story. Two characters who have been at odds for the whole story are now coming together. Jewel presents evidence and theories about what happened to their mother. We know this is right because we witnessed the whole act previous. However, her sister hasn’t. She is not ready to go over to her sister’s way of thinking. We know her sister is right, but she doesn’t. We see her holding on to her lies and foreshadowing a fatal mistake on her part. It’s a scene that relies very little on action and more on dialogue and explaining. It threatens the rule show don’t tell. However, I tried to do both here, show and tell, to reveal character and explore their relationship more deeply. (new essence) This is one of those scenes where one character dumps their ideas on the other. At some point we have to witness her telling/showing her sister her intentions, thoughts, and ideas which are counter to hers. It has to happen for the story to move ahead. I tried to deepen it by adding a show element so we get both. These scenes take a great deal of confidence to keep because they are not action oriented in an action-oriented genre.

5. EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY -NIGHT – p. 79 (logline/essence) This scene is designed to be the crisis in my story. Vivian’s sister has been trying to convince her that these are the men who killed their mother. They are more skilled and deceptive that she could ever imagine. This was designed to be one of the final steps in her character arc that has changed her view of all the things her sister and these criminals have done throughout the story. In this scene they are making an attempt to kill Vivian after she gets evidence from her sister to uncover her mother’s killer. Her sister has finally connected it to her coworkers. Now she has to survive them and their covert attacks. (new essence) These scenes are set pieces and have to work on many different levels. The action, the location, the characters involved, the set-up, the pay-offs all have to ring strong, natural, and true. This is my continual essence elevation: to make these very important scenes a natural extension of the world I have created and deepen the theme I am exploring. I think there is more I can squeeze out of this scene. One of my main themes is mental health and the way events in our lives can threaten ours. This is the area I think that can be elevated in this scene. This is an event that shatters her previous world view. Target her feelings and emotions as the scene progresses. Reflect how this event destroys everything she believed before.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom

I have written roughly 8-10 scripts with and without a partner.

I hope to gain the skills to go to the next level of my writing career.

I actually have a screenwriting degree from SF State. I don't think it was the most rigorous program. One script I submitted for a class final came back with a "PASS" and one spelling correction. These were the only comments. I think that was his way of telling me it was a riveting and life changing read.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ron Neustrom
I agree to the terms of the release form:
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Ronald Neustrom]

What makes this a great scene from a writing perspective.

The Dark Knight…bank heist opening scene…

1^st time – Character introduction…It was designed to introduce the Joker. It accomplished that on many levels. He was an enigmatic planner and leader of an elite group of robbers. We knew they were elite because of the equipment they used. The extreme planning that went into implementing such an endeavor was over the top, but then they added another level of ruthless cruelty and greed…he executed all the other robbers as they completed their tasks, so in the end, he was alone to take the cash. This character was something so heartless and brilliant that anyone that goes up against him would be at a severe disadvantage. Good Luck Batman and Gotham!

2^nd Time – Twists and intrigue. One part that stands out even in the second viewing is the pace. It’s breathless. Breakneck speed. How do we reflect that in the writing? The first piece of intrigue is when one of the burglars kills the other. Jolts us. But not until we hear that the call was not to 911 but a private number. I assume that is a setup that will be paid off later. In fact, we find out later it is a mob bank. Not sure what difference that would make, perhaps just an act of extreme balls. Next two acts of intrigue are the bank manager has a shot gun and knows how to use it… and the drilling machine hits an electric current. We later find out it is a mob bank and it makes Joker even more dangerous to not be afraid of them. It is really a text book example of introducing a character as a mad arch-villain. “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stranger!” And then the grenade spews smoke…surprise…perhaps a homage to Batman from the TV era.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Ronald Neustrom

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Ronald Neustrom]

What I learned from reading peer comments, re-writing my scene and character is the difficulty in getting to the deep conflict and building change through increments. My main characters must go through gradual change. Each stop on the journey must be a small part of the destination. The early drafts have a lot of the big picture elements but just require a little more finesse. Some of the changes I am looking for cannot be added until further drafts. But I am starting to see how each scene is standing on its own as an individual unit yet working toward an end goal that comes in movements. My scenes are choppy but as the drafts progress I can use the transitions to smooth out the journey for the reader.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Week 2 Day 3 Remember The Titans Scene

*1^st time watched

1. How is this power struggle created? Within this scene the power struggle is created when the only All-American from the White Team approaches the New Black Coach and tries to dictate the way the team is going to be run. The coach immediately belittles him in front of his friends and family but does it in a way that demonstrates the way the new power structure is going to work. The player is way down the chain. The scene creates surprise because we weren’t expecting the new black coach to come in with such confidence and cunning and it sets the table for an epic battle because this coach is powerful and prepared. He just might be a match for the historically racist culture that he has just been thrust in the middle of.

2. What is it about these characters that demand this power struggle? The white All-American player has a history of dealing with black people in certain way. The black coach has a history of dealing with players in certain way. Whose way is going to win out? From this scene we can clearly see the black coach is willing to go much farther and deeper with this issue than the player. However, we have the feeling that the coach might have won this battle, but we are pretty sure that this is not the final word on this issue. We have now witnessed how far the coach is willing to go to make his point, but we also know that in this culture with a character as successful as becoming an all-american, this is probably not the last word from him. A seed of conflict has been planted or witnessed and this is just the beginning. This issue isn’t going to go away, but neither are these characters with well-developed tools for the fight. We know this coach showed him who is in charge, but he will need talented players. And this is the most talented….it was a powerful move by the coach, but was it a smart move?

How does each character’s audience influence and depend upon this power struggle? One of the dynamics of this scene is tapping into is the long history of conflict between blacks and whites in the south. If you mean by their audience…their people…the issues go beyond the page. The black coach and his history of sports excellence developed through years of development and belief in himself and his system. And the white players and their history of dominance and power over the black man have their audiences demanding and expecting their behaviors. You are looking at a long history of learned behaviors and responses in a charged environment. This situation puts us on the front lines of an extreme battle with characters trained to battle. Their conflicts have bled over from the field to their personal relationships and careers as they are thrust together.

*2^nd time watched

1. What drama is this scene built around? This scene is built around the drama of leaving for football camp. These characters involved are thrust together and bring with them a history of extreme success and a specific approach to football. This scene is built around the history that each approach is strong and tested over time but not in this way. Whose approach is going to win? This is the main drama. Is the black coach and his philosophy or the white team and their approach going to rule the day? The scene was set-up right away when the black coach gives the white coaches his offensive plays. They question the simplicity of them. He is challenged at every step of the way. He responds with confidence and strength. The white establishment is not used to being challenged in this way on something they hold so traditional and so dear in the south…football.

How are they expressing their Profile (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) through their words and actions? The black coach is expressing himself by going through the motions of including the other coaches in his plan and listening to the players. He is being fair and open. However, his responses to their unkind actions are pointed, powerful, and decisive. Especially how the black coach completely dominated the toughest players on the white team making a mockery and comparing them to comedians and bringing back to them “being the daddy” and making him “Say it!” He leaves the other side defeated and unprepared for his weapons in the battle for racial dominance. They are all expressing their future by the white coaches, questioning the simplicity of the plays, the black coach expressing his reasoning for the simplicity, (raising a question we would like to see answered) and the coach expressing his view of the hierarchy of the team and the player trying to assert power over the coach. Whose future philosophy will win?

[Ronald Neustrom]

These two are night and day. Educationally. Culturally. Family. Occupationally. They are on different ends of the spectrum. I am trying to look at one part of this scene where there is some connection and I’m not sure I see any. However, Tony is brutally honest. “Me and the misses had a few coloreds over the other night.” Comfortable in his own low-class skin. The doctor is smart enough to see Tony possesses some of the intangibles he anticipates he will need to survive this trip. They would have to get over the class differences…(I haven’t seen the whole film) But this looks like it could be “The Odd Couple on the road..” As far as the future that is set-up…”Could you be away from your family for 8 weeks?” Tony says yeah. But what if something comes up and Tony needs the doctor to bend a little. The doc doesn’t seem like the bending type. He’s a man that knows exactly what and how he wants it. Think there might be conflict there? This scene is rich for areas of future conflict. Perhaps the way Tony solves problems with violence and the doctor is non-violent or ?… this scene did a wonderful job with creating future conflicts.

This scene was built around the drama/stress of a job interview. What was truly magical about this scene was the way they didn’t really give it to just one of the characters. We really felt the back and forth between these two characters. We saw it from Tony’s POV as the over-the-top Doc in his ceremonial garments. We saw the judgmental questions from the Doc trying to pry into the level of Tony’s experience. However, we knew what the scope of a trip like this could mean to the doc. Was this a trip on the Titanic? Is he setting himself up for death? There is a long history of what kind of treatment the doc could be getting himself into and we can see the gears in the doc’s head thinking the more I know about this guy the more he might be just right. It was a scene where I could feel the way each character was simply being themselves and really uncovering layers of character with each question and each answer.

Insights/Breakthroughs – One of the main ideas we have discussed on occasion is subtlety. Subtlety in subtext and subtlety in character change, yet, many of these scenes are so over the top that I am thinking that is one of the big keys of successful writing. When to be subtle and when do we pull out the big guns and blow them out of the water. There is a distinct need for both skills.

[Ronald Neustrom]

The tension from putting these two worthy opponents face to face comes from the unpredictable outcome. The need for both characters to be the best and when challenged to save face. The tension also comes from the skills they bring to the table and the reputation for past actions. In similar situations they have killed, will they do it again? Doc is challenged on several levels as he discovers Johnny’s knowledge of Latin and his amazing gun handling skills. These characters stand out because of their reputations, their poise under pressure, their courage in the face of extreme danger. Also, these two characters stand out as educated and more sophisticated than the others.

This scene is built around Wyatt Earp running a gambling table and someone approaches him for an autograph. Doc Holiday is with him. When he signs the autograph, others, including Johnny Ringo take note and don’t want him there. “Don’t need no law around here.” It builds into Doc Holiday deciding whether he hates or likes Johnny. He actually says it out loud. He is arrogant and is confrontational with Johnny. Johnny flexes back with a display of amazing gun handling skills and Latin that dazzles the crowd. Doc responds with a mockery using his cup. However, there is clearly a challenge and it has left Doc and Wyatt threatened and mocked. These are two evenly matched opponents/groups and the outcome from a battle would be uncertain. A future tension has been planted firmly.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Watch 1st time for:

What causes you to believe these two belong together? Notice any similar emotions and actions?

Watch 2nd time for:

What drama is this scene built around? What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

Initially what caused us to believe they belonged together was their temperament. They were both combative, fearless, mean, and unrelenting. Also, by seeing their relationships with others we could see they were unique characteristically. Sometimes when we contrast characters’ behaviors through their interactions with others it brings out what makes them different and special. Most compare and contrast. It’s a writing skill that can also be brought to the screen.

This scene was built around a trainer trying to find a jockey to ride his horse. However, it’s not just any horse. It’s a horse beyond wild and this trainer feels it is special. So far, the regular trainers haven’t been up to the challenge. Was he wrong…? Is this horse beyond training? Then he glimpses a trainer who might be crazier than the horse. A man that just might be a worthy opponent for this crazy “Horse.” They are both untrainable so far. Let’s see what happens when we put them together. What could go wrong?

The insight I had with this lesson is recognizing the traits and characteristics in our characters is just the first step. Relationships for our main characters grow and change and need to be done through subtext and over time. Change cannot happen quickly and sometimes not at all, especially in relationships with others. This is one of those ideas that is connected to real life. Anger or competitiveness doesn’t just stop immediately…there is an arc to it. I know it’s not a new idea but it’s one I always forget.

[Ronald Neustrom]

What causes you to believe these two belong together? Notice any similar emotions, words, and actions.

Both characters are single adults who seem to connect on some of his answers. She is being emotionally supportive of his answers by her responses and they might have a common enemy in Dr. Marsha. She supports him emotionally and has not even met him yet. They both answer together “Sure you do.” His answers seem to touch her heart strings because when she hangs up she lets out audidible “Sighhhhhhhhhhh.”

What drama is this scene built around?

The drama is built around a son’s phone call to a radio psychologist because he wants to help dad find a new wife. It’s really a wonderful scene the way we can see her reactions to his answers. His voice alone connects with her and we can tell two things already. First, she is already supporting him emotionally. Through her phone, through her replies, through their common enemy and distrust of Dr. Marsha. Second, he is a great guy with a gaping emotional wound.

What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

I think it’s interesting in opening a character relationship’s section and seeing one relationship here with no questions. I think the relationship between Tom Hanks and his son is not to be overlooked. It really gets us on board with him. He is a wonderful, great father with a young son who is sensitive to other people. We love this guy already. We want this guy to win. We are on his side because he is a great dad and has tried to navigate a troubled young man through the biggest tragedy in his young life. I think with this scene it kind of gets us on board with Tom and anyone who is a friend of Tom’s is a friend of ours. This scene does many things. Creates empathy for Hanks and his son. We hope for their future. Also, Meg might be someone he can connect with because she is connecting with him on a small level in her car through her “Sure you do!” answers together. Already we have begun to think about and predict their future together.

[Ronald Neustrom]

What I learned from this lesson is the power of this type of storytelling. The mystery and suspense genre. It is my personal favorite. It is also the genre I plan to write in. I am struggling with the multiple mysteries and set-ups and pay-offs because there are many conventions that must be present for this to work effectively. This genre is especially difficult in the early drafts. You cannot get impatient, and you have to complete each draft that adds another level of complexity. The difficulty is your belief in these early drafts. Have faith and create the framework for the magic. Then let it fly. These little moments add together. But sometimes as you are building… it feels like it is not enough. This lesson showed me that it is worth the patience and it can be enough.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Kate’s secret is set-up as a mystery. Someone recognizes something different about her and goes about tricking her into revealing the secret. They were very creative in having one mystery lead to another. 1^st she is different than the others. Then we find out it’s because she has killed and then the next mystery is who did she kill and why? It is great story telling because many of the moments twist into something we didn’t expect. Initially, we thought he was giving her liquor to sleep with her. Then we discover it is really a way to expose her secret. That secret is extended into the next mystery. She has killed and then it becomes who and why. When they answer one question it moves into the next mystery they play with set-ups, expectations, and surprises with the new mystery. The smell of gas, the threat of sexual violence, the revenge murder. All her actions build a character that I want to know more about. We are hooked into these expertly placed devices and before we know it, we are voraciously running after the next mystery. I think one of the more interesting and difficult questions to address is What drama is this scene built around? This is a series of scenes that are connected on multiple levels. The 1^st level might be the love triangle. He’s in love with a killer and all the ramifications there. The 2^nd level is she is being chased by an FBI agent and another guy uncovers her secret so that could be a set-up for payoffs and misdirections down the road. In fact, LOST got to a point where it kind of imploded on itself with a mystery within a mystery within a mystery. Many of these storylines were connected on multiple levels, so a single drama would be connected many ways. Probably nothing in LOST was a single drama. You had to love her character. A woman who is not afraid to drink and has killed. She kills someone who has abused and then rides off into the night on a motorcycle. I’m in!

[Ronald Neustrom]

Junah is coming from refusing to play in the big tournament and telling his girlfriend he has lost his confidence and his swing. However, he finds himself drawn to this late-night practice or search session where encounters Baggar. He is just a man trying to find a place to rest his tired feet and take in all of god’s glory. Junah is searching for his swing and Baggar is a man that has the insight and the skills to help him.

The drama in this scene is built around is man who has lost something inside and he has chosen to find it. However, he hasn’t admitted it to himself. He is still at the point where he knows something in himself is gone and he might just want or need it back. Junah was stubborn and unwilling to admit his lack of swing. Also, inside deep down he wouldn’t admit how important that his confidence was . That’s why he’s out there late at night and alone trying to get it back. Baggar saw right to the heart of his problem and also knew his potential. Baggar knew how to challenge Junah and reawaken that confidence. Insight, humor, patience, and golf skills were qualities that Baggar possessed that made him right for helping Junah and his inner need.

[Ronald Neustrom]

(Q1) The drama the writer’s created to deliver their character traits was by crafting a scene where two things had to happen. First, they had to put the boys in their element. A Boston bar picking up chicks and looking for a good time. This is roughly their hood. What could go wrong? But these are the kind of guys that don’t run from trouble. They run toward it. Second, one of the boys is threatened. The conflict is what is used to bring out the character’s true nature. It brought out Chuckie’s ignorance, Will’s loyalty and supreme intelligence, Will met his love interest.

(Q2) Why do you think the group picked a Harvard bar? These are the kind of guys that would pick a bar because there might be more chicks. I don’t think they would pick a Harvard bar to meet smart people and challenge or want to learn from them. I think the writer’s chose a Harvard bar so we could introduce Will’s love interest and flash his formidable skills while protecting his friend from an intellectual attack. A Harvard bar works on several levels for the overall goals of the story. Why wasn’t it just a local neighborhood bar? Will would not have met a Harvard girl and probably wouldn’t have run into a brilliant grad student to demolish. A local bar would have checked one box while a Harvard bar checked boxes on several different levels. The Harvard bar was a writer’s choice that set-up things better for the future of the story.

[Ronald Neustrom]

What causes both characters to reveal their wounds? How are those wounds motivating their emotions, actions, and reactions? How is each character threatening the other’s wounds? For Will his wound is revealed as he is challenged or invited to California with Skylar. He exposes that she might change her mind a week after he gets there and discover she doesn’t love him…this action/fear/invitation reveals his fear of abandonment. He defends his position and then she exposes her wound about the death of her father and the wish she had that he was still alive. Her deep loss. And now she has found someone she deeply loves and she doesn’t want to lose him too. He challenges her love in the only way he knows, by tearing apart and attacking. She knows he loves her but at that moment we realize just how damaged he is. Not only does he reveal the physical damage to his body but he finishes with “I don’t love you!” We all see how deep the mental damage is. Because we know it’s not true and it creates a mystery within the story. Will he be able to get past his wound and find love with Skylar or is his wound so deep that he buries himself in his self-pity and never lives his best life?

What drama was this scene built around? What traits showed up in these character’s words and actions? The scene was built around a post love moment that began as a tender awakening for Skylar and an offer to Will. “Move to California with me.” A simple sentence that sent this scene into the stratosphere. You could sense the offer working inside his head…we were rooting for him to go…realize and accept Skylar’s love…however, Will has never done anything the easy way throughout the whole story…his traits of being wounded and attacking everyone around are not going to change now…it was perfect Will Hunting. His mind raced ahead and tried to solve it like a math problem. He was working out scenarios that hadn’t even happened yet. I think in some ways this scene was built around a moment where you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge. Hearing his own words and Skylar exposing his lies about his 12 siblings and “I don’t love you” was the moment where Will began to acknowledge whether he was going to let his past keep him down or move ahead and become something better. She demonstrated what a gamble might look like with the offer to move. Are you going to challenge yourself or continue to lie to yourself?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Ronald Neustrom.

[Ronald Neustrom]

I agree to the terms of the release form.

-Ron Neustrom

[Ronald Neustrom]

1. My name is Ron Neustrom.

2. I’ve written about 7-8 scripts in various stages of drafts.

3. My hope with this class is to up my game when it comes to writing great and memorable characters.

4. A fun fact…if anyone saw the DIRTY JOHN series. I worked with the real Dirty John from season 1 up in San Francisco at an El Torito’s for about a month. Remember him well. He almost got killed playing basketball at a Daly City gym when I was with him. He was a real piece of work.

[Ronald Neustrom]

Diane,

I love your ideas and thoughts and concept of your story. When we first started taking the class you gave a synopsis of this idea and I wanted to hear more. I was interested. Keep pushing…it sounds to me like you have the relationships ironed out. They are set up for some powerful scenes. This could be a real good screenplay. Keep pushing…these ideas are important and the family dynamics are setup for a page turner. There are a lot of emotional elements at play here. Good Luck! – Ron

[Ronald Neustrom]

This scene is a first draft (my scene in The Desert). …I also read your Scene QE 2 – At the race track. (Here is the feedback)
As we learn how to critique I hope I get better…As I hear Hal Critique look at the other scenes he seems to focus on the character traits and how well the scene reveals them and the entertainment techniques. That’s where I’ll go ; For John you’re overall scene design shows his distrust…you really nailed that trait in him…to work against his wife like that also showed a daring side to him. The other traits Loyal and Loner were not as well represented. Nick was confident, conniving in his overall design, rebellious in his marriage, but not very giving. The entertainment techniques used were suspense, major twist, big reveal, betrayal, superior position, more interesting setting. I think we all need to get better and bringing the emotion up a level at the right moments, but overall great effort. Thanks for letting me read it.