Sandra Nelles
Forum Replies Created
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Sandra’s Analysis of Groundhog Day
What I learned doing this assignment is that analyzing this movie helped me see below the surface and see the transformational journey and profound moments. I wasn’t fond of this movie before, however I actually like it now thanks to this assignment!
1. What is the change this movie is about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie?
The change is about a man living a self-centered, shallow, negative life to becoming a positive and genuinely caring person. It’s a spiritual journey of discovering loving kindness and connecting to his true self.2. Lead characters:
Who is the Change Agent? Rita
Who is the Transformational Character and what makes them right for the journey?
Phil, a self-centered weatherman going from being bitter, sarcastic and negative to being kind, helpful and caring.What is the Oppression? Groundhog Day repeating
3. How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to connect with this story?
The expectation that Phil will change and become a nice guy and more loving.4. Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the profound journey? From “old ways” to “new ways”? Phil learns the new ways bring him more happiness and the old ways just bring more of the same old unhappiness.
Identify the old way: Self-centered, sarcastic, unkind, bitter, lonely
Identify the new way at the conclusion: kind, generous, helpful, caring
5. What is the gradient of change? What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were changing?
-He becomes aware that something is wrong and that he is the only one reliving Groundhog’s Day.
-He questions why this is happening to him.
-He’s not sure if it’s physical, mental, emotional, or psychological.
-He tries manipulating situations the old way and it backfires.
-He learns how doing nice things for others pays off.
-He takes risks when he learns there won’t be lasting consequences.
-He tries to end the repeating by taking his life, but it doesn’t work.
-He learns the difference between manipulating situations and others and how to be genuine.
-He learns the importance of loving someone other than himself.
-He learns the importance of building relationships.6. How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective and make the change? That his old self doesn’t believe he deserves Rita. That he shifts to become Rita’s perfect man.
7. What are the most profound moments of the movie?
-When Phil doesn’t step into the puddle in the street and walks around it
-Phil’s ice sculpture of Rita
-Helping his homeless father and others
-When Phil professes his love for Rita8. What are the most profound lines of the movie?
-Watch out for that first step, it’s a doozey.
-How you start the day with one perception and end it with something completely different.
-What would you do if you were stuck in one place and everyday was exactly the same and nothing mattered?
-What if there were no tomorrow? We could do what we wanted.
-I’m not going to live by their rules anymore.
-Egocentric, it’s your defining characteristic.
-If you only had one day to live, what would you do?
-What do you want out of life?
-I’m a God. You’re not a God.
-I don’t know Phil, maybe it’s not a curse. It’s how you look at it.9. How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?
That Phil is transformed from a negative jerk to a nice guy who has fallen in love with Rita.10. What is the Profound Truth of this movie? Helping and loving others brings true happiness. Giving liberates the soul of the giver. An act of kindness is who we really are. Kindness expresses the gentleness of the soul.
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Hi Everyone,
I am Sandra Nelles and I have written 6 screenplays (5 features and 1 tv pilot). From this class I hope to make one of my features more profound. Something unique about me is that I have lived in various parts of the US and worked in several occupations, including criminal justice and mental health. Looking forward to meeting all of you. -
I, Sandra Nelles, AGREE to the terms of this release form.”
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.0
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Hi Everyone,
I am Sandra Nelles and I have written 5 screenplays (4 features and 1 tv pilot), and currently working on the 6th screenplay.
From this class I hope to complete a holiday rom-com that will be optioned and produced.
Something unique about me is that I have lived in various parts of the US and worked in several occupations, including criminal justice and mental health.
Thank you Hal and Cheryl for offering this class. -
I, Sandra Nelles, agree to the following terms of this GROUP RELEASE FORM .
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class. -
Sandra’s Genre Conventions
My Vision: I am recognized in the industry as a great writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that AI had a few good suggestions, and I was able to make improvements to each Act.
Title: Kissmas Cruise
Concept: What if two strangers fall in love while trying to break up their parent’s romance on a holiday cruise?
Genre: Rom-Com
Structure with Genre Improvements
Act 1:
• Opening: Erin and John (daughter and father) decide to take a cruise for the holidays. Carlos and Maria (son and mother), professional dance instructors prepare students to go on a holiday cruise.
• Inciting Incident: Carlos bumps into Erin while waiting in line to board the ship, sparking an immediate dislike for each other.
• Turning Point: Against Erin’s protests, John signs them up for dance lessons where he dances with Maria, and Erin is awkwardly forced to dance with Carlos.
Act 2:
• New plan: Disapproving of the romance developing between John and Maria, Erin and Carlos reluctantly team up.
• Plan in action: Erin and Carlos create elaborate and uncomfortable plans to break up their parents.
• Midpoint Turning Point: The ship’s activities director asks Carlos and Maria to help with the New Year’s Eve entertainment.
Act 3:
• Rethink everything: John and Maria grow closer with each activity that Erin and Carlos created to break them up.
• New plan: Erin and Carlos finally succeed at breaking their parents up.
• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Erin feels guilty about breaking their parents up. Carlos disagrees with how Erin carried out the last scheme and wants nothing to do with any more of Erin’s schemes.
Act 4:
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Erin and Carlos realize their mistake. They decide to make amends by apologizing and reunite John and Maria.
• Resolution: The parents get back together on New Year’s Eve. Carlos forgives Erin, and they recognize their feelings for each other just before the clock strikes mid-night. Both couples kiss beneath fireworks. -
Sandra’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
My Vision: I am recognized in the industry as a great writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that AI’s 4 Act Structure was close to the transformational structure I wrote.
Concept: What if two strangers fall in love while trying to break up their parent’s romance on a holiday cruise?
Main Conflict: Erin and Carlos think their parent’s impulsive romantic relationship is moving too fast.
Protagonist (Erin’s) Old Ways: closed off emotionally, solely focused on work, blind to her own motivations and how they impacted others, didn’t believe in herself, afraid, distrustful.
Protagonist (Erin’s) New Ways: open to love, prioritizing family and relationships, embracing adventure and spontaneity, self-confident and accomplished, knows she can create and design costumes.
Act 1:
• Opening: Erin and John (daughter and father) decide to take a cruise for the holidays. Carlos and Maria (son and mother), professional dance instructors prepare students to go on a holiday cruise.
• Inciting Incident: Carlos bumps into Erin while waiting in line to board the ship.
• Turning Point: John signs them up for dance lessons where he dances with Maria and Erin is paired with Carlos.
Act 2:
• New plan: Romance develops between John and Maria.
• Plan in action: Erin and Carlos decide to work together, and create elaborate and uncomfortable plans to break up their parents.
• Midpoint Turning Point: The ship activities director asks Carlos and Maria to help with the New Years Eve entertainment.
Act 3:
• Rethink everything: Erin and Carlos decide to work together to break up their parents.
• New plan: Erin and Carlos create elaborate and uncomfortable plans to break up their parents.
• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: The plans backfire and John and Maria
Act 4:
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Erin and Carlos succeed at breaking their parents up. Erin feels guilty. Carlos wants nothing to do with Erin’s schemes.
• Resolution: the parents get back together on New Year’s Eve. Carlos forgives Erin. -
Sandra’s Subtext Plots
My Vision: I am recognized in the industry as a great writer with several successful produced movies.What I learned doing this assignment is that AI is becoming more helpful. I had selected three subtext plots and after reading the seven subtext plots provided by AI, I changed one of mine.
Concept: What if two strangers fall in love while trying to break up their parents’ romance while on a holiday cruise?
Subtext Plots and How They Will Play Out Inside This Story
1. Layering: Erin is an only child who is afraid of losing her father, especially after her mother’s death and her boyfriend ending their relationship. She has difficulty trusting, and is afraid of being alone.
2. Superior Position: The audience knows Erin and Carlos are planning various elaborate schemes to break up John and Maria’s relationship, while John and Maria are unaware of the schemes. The audience is able to see both sides of the story.
3. A Major Cover Up: Erin and Carlos collaborate to break up John and Maria’s relationship while covering up their efforts. Their schemes and lies, lead to unexpected consequences and comedic misunderstandings.
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Sandra’s Intentional Lead Characters
My Vision: I am recognized in the industry as a great writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that this is a great lesson for creating characters that fit the concept and story. Since this is a rom-com, Erin and Carlos are both protagonist and antagonist.
Character: Erin (protagonist/antagonist)
Logline: Erin is a hardworking fashion buyer who tries to break up her father John’s impulsive relationship with Maria.
Unique: Erin’s determination, creativity, and resourcefulness helps her plan elaborate schemes to breakup John and Maria.
Character: Carlos (protagonist/antagonist)
Logline: Carlos is a world-class professional dancer and Maria’s son, who helps Erin breakup their parents’ relationship.
Unique: His talent, charm, and protectiveness of his mother adds conflict and complexity to Erin’s schemes.
Character: John
Logline: John is a retired businessman, Erin’s father and widower who loves to dance and play golf.
Unique: His adventurous, charming and fun-loving nature adds heart and humor to his relationships.
Character: Maria
Logline: Maria is a widow, Carlos’ mother, and a professional dance instructor who is falling in love with John.
Unique: Her caring, passionate, and graceful manner draws John in and creates conflict with Erin.
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Sandra’s Transformational Journey
My Vision: I am recognized in the industry as a great writer with serval successful produced movies.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that AI had good suggestions for improving the elements of the protagonist’s Transformational Journey.
Character Arc for Protagonist Erin
Arc Beginning: workaholic, cautious, and overly protective
Arc Ending: more relaxed and trusting, opens her heart to love
Internal Journey: from afraid to letting go of past hurts and trusting in love
External Journey: from a fashion buyer to a costume designer; from physically trying to break up her father’s relationship to trying to get them back together
Old Ways:
· Closed off emotionally
· Solely focused on work
· Blind to her own motivations and how they impacted others
· Didn’t believe in herself
· Afraid, Distrustful
New Ways:
· Open to love
· Prioritizing family and relationships
· Embracing adventure and spontaneity
· Self-confident and accomplished
· Knows she can create and design costumes
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Sandra’s Title Concept Character Structure
My Vision: I am recognized in the industry as a great writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that the empowerment exercise helped make it fun and easy!
Title: Kissmas Cruise
Concept: What if two strangers fall in love while trying to break up their parents romance while on a holiday cruise?
Structure: Rom-Com/Buddy Movie
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The Empowerment Grid is a great visual tool, and I also learned how not to get overwhelmed with AI.
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Hi, I’m Sandra Nelles. I have written 5 scripts. I hope to write an incredible movie using AI for brainstorming. Something unique and interesting that happened to me several years ago, was sitting next to the famous violin player, Itzhak Perlman on an airplane.
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I, Sandra Nelles agree to the following Group Release Form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Sandra’s Character Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment is how to make my lead characters uniquely emotional by focusing on their internal struggles and reactions. Watching the example show and creating the Emotional profile for two of the main characters also helped me develop Emotional Profiles for the lead characters in my story.
ASSIGNMENT 1: THE SOPRANOS
TONY SOPRANO EMOTIONAL PROFILE
A. Situational: Hope – better family relationships / Fear – arrested, prison or killed
B. Motivation: Want – respect / Need – power and control
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion – anger and anxiety / Public Mask – tough, composed, strong
D. Weaknesses – over-loyal to family, impulsive when angry
E. Triggers – family conflicts, threats of power
F. Coping Mechanism: fights back, lying, analyzes (therapy)
CARMELA SOPRANO EMOTIONAL PROFILE
A. Situational: Hope – stable family, normalcy / Fear – safety and consequences of Tony’s illegal activities
B. Motivation: Want – a better life (social status and financial security) / Need – emotional fulfillment and genuine connection
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion – frustration, disappointment, loneliness, jealousy / Public Mask – strong and supportive mother and wife
D. Weaknesses: over-loyal and dependent on Tony, compromised morality
E. Triggers: Tony’s infidelity, violence and danger
F. Coping Mechanism: materialism, counsel with Father Intintola
ASSIGNMENT 2: My Show
SLOANE EMOTIONAL PROFILE
A. Situational: Hope – having a comfortable life / Fear – of failure, being arrested or killed
B. Motivation: Want – to stay alive and provide for his family / Need – to feel he’s loved, and to confront his insecurities and find validation inside versus from others.
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion – feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt / Public Mask: confident, friendly, calm and composed
D. Weaknesses: makes impulsive decisions when under pressure, people pleaser
E. Triggers: threats to himself, family or crew, major stress
F. Coping Mechanism: lies, schemes, and alters his state by drinking alcohol
MARCY EMOTIONAL PROFILE
A. Situational: Hope – a stable family life / Fear – being betrayed
B. Motivation: Want – social status and financial security/ Need – love and control
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion – anger, frustration, disappointment, loneliness / Public Mask – warm mother and wife
D. Weaknesses: overprotective of the children, need to control, unpredictable
E. Triggers: major stress, fear
F. Coping Mechanism: fights back and blames Sloane, manipulates
ARCHIE EMOTIONAL PROFILE
A. Situational: Hope – financial success and stability / Fear – getting caught and not providing for his two families
B. Motivation: Want – to be successful and retire early / Need – validation and recognition
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion – feeling inadequate and fear of failure / Public Mask – confident and life of the party
D. Weaknesses: ignorant about the smuggling world
E. Triggers: major stress (financial threats), criticism
F. Coping Mechanism: denial, hides and avoids, alters state by drinking
SENOR GRANDE EMOTIONAL PROFILE
A. Situational: Hope – to maintain control and dominance / Fear – being linked to the illegal activities
B. Motivation: Want – wealth and power / Need – control and dominance
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion – distrust and paranoia / Public Mask – confident, important person
D. Weaknesses: ego driven, over-confidence, need to control
E. Triggers: being disrespected
F. Coping Mechanism: fights back, lies, manipulates
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Sandra’s Intriguing Character Layers
What I learned doing this assignment is how to build intrigue into my lead characters by adding the seven hidden layers. I filled in the intrigue layers on my characters and then used the AI prompt. It was disappointing to see that the AI responses were vague and general, and very similar for each lead character. Next, I asked AI for more specific examples. The responses were better, however still similar for each character.
ASSIGNMENT 1: THE SOPRANOS – Tony Soprano
Role: Family mob boss, and married to Carmela with two children.
Hidden Agendas: Tony shifts between his roles as mob boss, and family man. He keeps various aspects of his life hidden from his job, his family and his therapist.
Competition: Tony is in constant competition with his uncle, and other crime families.
Conspiracies: In order to maintain control, Tony creates various schemes and conspiracies. He entered into a conspiracy with his uncle to kill someone at his favorite restaurant. Tony gave the chef tickets on a cruise so he’d be out of town when the hit took place and the restaurant is blown up.
Secrets: Tony has many secrets. He keeps his criminal activities a secret from his psychiatrist, and tries to keep his affair with a Russian woman from his wife.
Deception: Tony is a master of deception. Including hiding his criminal activities from his family, and having his uncle take over when Jackie passes away, so the heat from other crime families falls on his uncle and not Tony.
Wound: Tony has a strained relationship with his unsupportive mother. His wound appears to be around emotional neglect and trust issues.
Secret Identity: Tony tries to keep his identity as a crime boss hidden from his family and public life. He refers to his job as being in the waste management business.
ASSIGNMENT 2
Character Name: Sloane
Role: (Protagonist) Sea captain who is lured into smuggling to save his life.
Hidden Agendas: Hides his smuggling activities from his family and friends.
Competition: Sloane competes with rival ship captains, smugglers, oil well owners, farmers, police officers, and bankers.
Conspiracies: Sloane conspires with Senor Grande, Archie, police chiefs, ship captains and crew.
Secrets: Hides his doubts and fears by drinking. Doesn’t reveal much about his childhood or job.
Deception: Maintains a dual façade as a devoted family man and a sea captain. On the job he pretends to be everyone’s friend, while he shrewdly creates business schemes.
Wound: Verbal abuse and neglect from his alcoholic mother, and mostly absent father.
Secret Identity: Smuggler and money launderer.
Character Name: Marcy
Role: Petite and feisty wife to Sloane, and mother of their two children.
Hidden Agendas: Keep control of Sloane and the children, while creating her own business empire.
Competition: Other escort services.
Conspiracies: Her staff, escorts, and upscale hotels.
Secrets: She had an affair while Sloane was at sea, and she’s not sure if Sloane is the father of their son.
Deception: To friends and family, she appears to be a normal loyal wife and devoted mother, however she secretly runs an escort service.
Wound: Lost her older brother in a tragic accident.
Secret Identity: Escort service madam.
Character Name: Archie
Role: Friend and business partner of Sloane’s.
Hidden Agendas: To make more money by setting up a hidden money laundering operation of his own.
Competition: Other oil buyers and brokers, smugglers, port agents, and police.
Conspiracies: Sloane, house boy, chemical supplier, and foreign money launderers.
Secrets: Hides his mistress and baby from everyone, including Sloane.
Deception: Tries to hide his mistakes from Sloane.
Wound: Fought in a war and lost friends. Takes risks and exhibits reckless behavior.
Secret Identity: He has two families (a wife and children, and a mistress and baby).
Character Name: Senor Grande
Role: (Antagonist) Banker and money changer in the story. He lures Sloane into smuggling.
Hidden Agendas: Keep control of everyone and everything. Pretends he is Sloane’s friend, but sets him up and betrays Sloane several times.
Competition: For power and control. Out smarts or has his competition killed.
Conspiracies: With Sloane, police chiefs, thugs and hit men, and other bankers.
Secrets: Hiding his illegal activities from his family and others.
Deception: Uses his charm to deceive those around him to believe he is trustworthy, then sets them up to take the fall.
Wound: Lived in poverty as a child after his father died.
Secret Identity: Mastermind behind smuggling and money laundering.
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Sandra’s Engaging Main Characters
What I learned doing this assignment is that other characters may make the show interesting or emotional, however it’s the lead characters that need to engage the audience on multiple levels.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
Characters that sell this show: Tony Soprano (The Sopranos)
A. Role in the show: Tony is the lead character, family mob boss, and married to Carmela with two children.
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: Tony is a skilled mob boss trying to balance work and family.
C. Intrigue: Tony struggles with stress, anxiety and depression, but appears tough on the outside.
D. Moral Issue: Tony tries to maintain a normal family life while engaging in criminal activities.
E. Unpredictable: Tony’s actions are unpredictable. He can be calm one minute and angry the next. Friendly and helpful and then beating someone up.
F. Empathetic: Tony is in a difficult relationship with his uncle and mother, who are both unsupportive. The family business is struggling and his teenage daughter doesn’t get along with her mother.
ASSIGNMENT 2:
Journey: Sloane is a young naïve sea captain who is beaten up when he threatens to report his crew’s smuggling activities. To save his life he is lured into money laundering and smuggling. He goes on to run one of the top smuggling operations, and then gives up the life of crime for an honest way of life.
Main characters that sell the show: Sloane, Marcy, Archie, Senor Grande
A. Role in the show:
Sloane: (Protagonist) sea captain who is lured into smuggling to save his life.
Marcy: Petite and feisty wife to Sloane, and mother of their two children.
Archie: Friend and business partner with Sloane.
Senor Grande: (Antagonist) deceptive banker and money changer who lures Sloane
in to smuggling.
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise:
Sloane: Fast learner, extremely organized and skilled sea captain.
Marcy: Resourceful and tenacious, she takes care of the home.
Archie: Has many black-market connections for buying and selling crude oil.
Senor Grande: Master at manipulating financial systems (cooking the books).
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface?
Sloane: Hides his money laundering and smuggling operation from his family.
Marcy: She had an extramarital affair while Sloane was at sea, and hasn’t told him.
Archie: Without telling Sloane, he buys and sells counterfeit money for his own profit.
Senor Grande: Appears to be Sloane’s friend, but is setting him up
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing?
Sloane: Faces the dilemma of being killed if he reports the smuggling and faces a firing squad if he is caught smuggling.
Marcy: She’s not sure if Sloane is the father of their son or if it’s her lover.
Archie: Has a wife at home and a secret mistress and son in another country.
Senor Grande: Has many secrets that he covers up and sets up others to take the fall.
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next?
Sloane: His drinking masks his feelings of guilt and inferiority (liquid courage).
Marcy: Grows resentful of Sloane being gone, drinking and not helping with the children. She is unpredictable and can be caring one minute and angry and sarcastic the next.
Archie: He is spontaneous and doesn’t always follow Sloane’s directions.
Senor Grande: He is unpredictable. One minute he praises Sloane and then orders a hit on him.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care?
Sloane: Deep down he is a nice guy trying to provide for his family.
Marcy: She is like a single mother with benefits, and has put up with a lot from Sloane.
Archie: His charming nature and loyalty to Sloane.
Senor Grande: His fake façade to lure others in and brilliant ideas for financial capital gain are captivating.
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Sandra’s Three Circles of Characters
What I learned doing this assignment is that AI provided a list of main characters I had not thought of (preferred my own list), and some additional characters for the environmental circle.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
THE SOPRANOS
A. Main Characters Circle: Tony, Carmela (wife), Psychiatrist
B. Connected Circle: Livia (mother), Uncle Junior, Meadow (daughter), Anthony Jr. (son), Christopher (nephew), Brandon, Jackie (acting mob boss), Uncle Pussy
C. Environment Circle: mob crew/gang, competitors, people who owe money, children’s school teacher and friends, nursing home staff, strip club dancers and bar tenders, body shop owner, mother’s friend, mother’s care giver, crowd outside night club, truck drivers, fire fighter, coffee shop staff and customers.
ASSIGNMENT 2:
1. Create the three circles of characters for your show.
A. Main Characters Circle: Sloane,
Marcy, Archie, and Senor Grande <div>B. Connected Circle: Military
police chief, parents, children, brother and sister, in-lawsC. Environment Circle: ship crew
and captains, fishermen, custom agents, harbor master, port security
personnel, old friends, attorneys, insurance investigator, accountant, house
boy, farmers/land owners, oil rig workers, truck drivers, bank tellers,
doctors, nurses, therapists and treatment center patients, police officers,
bartenders, bar patrons, prostitutes, restaurant waiters, prisoners, guards,
store owners, television studio show hosts and audience.<div>
2. Give us a one sentence description of each of the Main Characters.
Sloane: (Protagonist) young sea captain who is lured into smuggling to save his live.
Marcy: Sloane’s wife, petite and feisty.
Archie: Sloane’s friend and business partner.
Senor Grande: (Antagonist) deceptive banker and money changer who lures Sloane into smuggling.
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The Sopranos 5 Star Model
What I learned doing this assignment is that watching the pilot a second time brought out more insights about the characters and their world.
Big Picture Hooks
After Tony Soprano passes out from a series of anxiety attacks, he reluctantly visits a psychiatrist for the first time. His stressors include: his wife and daughter do not get along, his uncle wants Tony to kill someone, his mother refuses to move to a retirement home, and there are ducks in his swimming pool.
Amazing and Intriguing Character:
Tony is a middle-aged mob boss challenged with a tough competitive business and unsupportive family. Tony is tough and tender. He thinks nothing about hurting someone who owes him money, but is caring for wild ducks in his pool and depressed when they leave. He justifies the bad things he does on the job, and frames it as a good thing.
Empathy/Distress
When Tony has a couple panic attack and passes out.
The family businesses is faltering, and Tony’s uncle disagrees with how Tony is handling the business.
Tony could be arrested if he tells his psychiatrist about any of his illegal doings, especially harming or killing the competition.
When the ducks in Tony’s pool fly away.
Layers / Open Loops
Will Tony turn the business around?
Will Tony get caught or killed?
Will Tony’s uncle get revenge? If so, how?
Will his mother go into a retirement home?
Will his wife and daughter get along?
Will the ducks come back?
Inviting Obsession
Every job Tony pulls off has us wonder what will happen next. How will Tony survive his uncle’s revenge, the competition, and his mother’s lack of support? Will his daughter get in trouble? Will his psychiatrist turn him in?
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I, Sandra Nelles, agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi Everyone,
I am Sandra Nelles and I’ve written 5 screenplays (4 features and 1 tv pilot).
From this class I hope to create a Binge Worthy TV pilot using AI that’s marketable.
Something unique about me is that I have lived in various parts of the US and worked in several occupations, including criminal justice and mental health.
I’ve taken ProSeries 59, MSC 8, WIM, BWTV 4 and many other classes.
Looking forward to this amazing class!
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Sandra’s Character Profiles
What I learned doing this assignment is that there were several parts of the lead characters profiles that needed to be improved. This was a breakthrough lesson for me.
Name: Sloane
Role in the Story: (Protagonist) Sea captain who is lured into smuggling,
Core Traits: Charming, Adventurous, Competitive, Loyal
Motivation: Want/Need: Want: To stay alive and to provide for his family. Need: To confront his insecurities and find validation inside versus from others.
Flaw/Wound: Flaw: Feels he isn’t good enough. Wound: Verbal abuse and neglect from his alcoholic mother.
Secret/Hidden Agenda: Secret: Hides his doubts and fears by drinking. Hidden Agenda: Hides his smuggling activities from his family and friends.
Internal Dilemma: His need for truth and honesty versus survival and validation.
What Makes This Character Perfect for This Role in the Story? When Sloane talks, he is scheming. He is smarter than he looks. Sloane can remain calm under pressure, diffuse difficult situations, and smoothly talk his way out of being captured.
Name: Senor Grande
Role in the Story: (Antagonist) Banker and money changer in the story. He lures Sloane into smuggling.
Core Traits: Greedy, Powerful, Friendly, Deceptive
Motivation: Want/Need: Want: To be wealthy and powerful. Need: To have others do his dirty work.
Flaw/Wound: Flaw: Over confident in his financial knowledge and money laundering abilities. Wound: Living in poverty as a child.
Secret/Hidden Agenda: Secret: Hiding his illegal activities from his family and others. Hidden Agenda: Pretends he is Sloane’s friend, but sets him up and betrays Sloane several times.
Internal Dilemma: Wealthy versus being a good person.
What Makes This Character Perfect for This Role in the Story? He is in control and defeats anyone who gets in his way.
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Sandra’s Genre Conventions
What I learned doing this assignment is that the opening and some of the turning points were more like the thriller conventions and needed to be changed to fit the drama conventions.
Title: SMUGGLERS JOURNEY
Concept: The adventures of a young sea captain lured into the dangerous world of crude oil smuggling, where he faces a firing squad if captured.
Genre: Drama/Crime
Purpose: To explore stories with emotional and interpersonal high stakes for their characters.
Character-Driven Journey: To care about the characters in a Drama, and their internal journey drives the film’s events and progression.
High Stakes Come From Within: Whether the story’s events are relatively mundane or intense, the struggles, obstacles, and stakes come from within the characters more than from external pressures.
Emotionally Resonates: Drama a audiences want to feel and be moved by the characters’ emotions and how they experience the events.
Challenging, Emotionally Charged Situations: Characters get challenged to their core by the emotional situations and struggles that they run into.
Real-Life Situations: Drama stories are grounded in reality.
Main Conflict: The protagonist (Sloane) is forced to smuggle oil to stay alive.
Act 1
Opening: Sloane watches tv when there’s a sudden knock on the door. Peering out behind the curtain, he sees two policemen.
Inciting Incident: Sloane discovers his ship crew is smuggling oil.
Turning Point: Sloane is beaten up when he attempts to report the smuggling to the authorities.
Act 2
New Plan: Sloane captains a new ship with a different company, and marries his girlfriend.
Plan in Action: Sloane meets Senor Grande (antagonist), a banker, who lures him into smuggling.
Midpoint Turning Point: Police raid Sloane’s house/office.
Act 3
Rethink Everything: Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling. He tries several legitimate jobs that all fail.
New Plan: Senor Grande convinces Sloane to come back and smuggle whiskey.
Turning Point: Huge Failure/ Major Shift: Senor Grande sinks the ship for the insurance money.
Act 4
Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict: Insurance company suspects Sloane. Sloane and Senor Grande fight it out. Sloane gives up his life of crime and enters a residential alcohol treatment program.
Resolution: Clean and sober, Sloane becomes a counselor and works in a prison helping inmates.
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Sandra’s 4 Act Structure
What I learned doing this assignment is that my WIM structure needed to be elevated.
Title: SMUGGLERS JOURNEY
Genre: Drama/Crime
High Concept: The adventures of a young sea captain lured into the dangerous world of crude oil smuggling, where he faces a firing squad if captured.
Main Conflict: The protagonist (Sloane) is forced to smuggle oil to stay alive.
Act 1
Opening: Sloane watches tv when there’s a knock on the door. Peering out behind the curtain, he sees policemen with guns.
Inciting Incident: Sloane discovers his ship crew is smuggling oil.
Turning Point: Sloane is badly beaten up when he threatens to report the smuggling to the authorities.
Act 2
New Plan: Sloane captains a new ship with a different company, and marries his girlfriend.
Plan in Action: Sloane meets Senor Grande (antagonist), a banker, who lures him into smuggling.
Midpoint Turning Point: Police raids continue frequently on Sloane’s house/office.
Act 3
Rethink Everything: Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling. He tries several legitimate jobs that all fail.
New Plan: Senor Grande convinces Sloane to come back and smuggle whiskey.
Turning Point: Huge Failure/ Major Shift: Senor Grande sinks the ship for the insurance money.
Act 4
Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict: Insurance company suspects Sloane. Sloane and Senor Grande fight it out. Sloane gives up his life of crime and enters a residential alcohol treatment program.
Resolution: Clean and sober, Sloane becomes a counselor and works in a prison helping inmates. Senor Grande is shot by a firing squad.
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Sandra’s Project Pitch
What I learned doing this assignment is that my WIM outline needed many changes as I’d made several additions and moved some scenes around.
Genre: Drama/Crime
Title: SMUGGLERS JOURNEY
High Concept: The adventures of a young sea captain lured into the dangerous, terrifying world of crude oil smuggling, where he faces a firing squad if captured.
Main Conflict: How does a sea captain go from trustworthy and above board to smuggling? The protagonist is forced to smuggle to stay alive.
Transformational Journey: The protagonist goes from a young naïve sea captain to a top smuggler, and then finally gives it all up for an honest life.
Opposition: The antagonist threatens the protagonist from the beginning and lures him into smuggling. When business is tough the antagonist betrays the protagonist and tries to eliminate him.
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Hi Everyone,
I am Sandra Nelles and I have written 5 screenplays (4 features and 1 tv pilot). From this class I hope to elevate and rewrite one of my features. Something unique about me is that I have lived in various parts of the US and worked in several occupations, including criminal justice and mental health. Looking forward to meeting all of you!
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I, Sandra Nelles, agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Sandra Solved Scene Problems
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that the Index is a great tool for finding problems in each of the draft scenes, and then brainstorming solutions to improve the scenes.
Problem/Solution:
Uninteresting Scene/Doesn’t Advance the Story: Cab ride scene deleted.
Doesn’t Advance the Story: Deleted the protagonist’s birthday party scene.
When to Reveal What: 1. Death of the protagonist’s mother changed to include the reveal of her secret lover. 2. Bank scene with the protagonist and antagonist – added a reveal of the antagonist’s family life.
Exposition Scenes that Could Be Action or Reveal Scenes: 1. Added protagonist fixing dinner and feeding his children while discussing buying a ship with the antagonist. 2. Added protagonist fixing a leaky kitchen sink while talking to an old friend.
Cliché Scenes: Pondering whether a blind date scene is cliché and how to change it and add more action.
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Sandra’s Cliché Busting
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that I only found a couple cliches. There are probably more, however this is a good start.
Cliché: The antagonist, Sloane, is packing a suitcase before he goes into a residential treatment program for alcohol and drugs.
New Version: Sloane argues with his wife while he packs a suitcase before entering a residential treatment program.
Cliché: Sloane tries to use the phone in the treatment center office.
New Version: Sloane is caught by his counselor before he makes a call, and is handed the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Sandra’s Solved Character Problems
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is new ways of looking at my characters and solving problems. This was a great lesson.
Improvements Made:
Antagonist too Bad: I gave the antagonist more balance by showing him with his family and being kind and generous at times.
Weak Character Intros: The lead characters were good and I made them better. Several of the other characters introductions were weak or non-existent, so I added more.
Characters not in Action: I had several ‘talking head’ scenes, so I added more action, especially for the main characters.
Protagonist Journey not Strong: I had lots of conflict and challenges, so I added more depth to Acts 2, 3, and 4 to show his changes from the old ways to the new ways.
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Sandra’s Structure Solutions
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is the empowerment exercises helped me discover and solve the structure problems in my script.
Changes Made:
Script Doesn’t Match the Pitch: The shortened version of my pitch for this class didn’t match, so I went back to the original longer version.
Missed the Outline in Some Places: Using the outline got me to 80 pages, so I added more scenes to bring it up to 92 pages, which made the script stronger.
Need Stronger Mid-Point – I made the mid-point stronger by having the antagonist putting a hit out on the protagonist instead of another character.
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Sandra Finished Act 4
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is by staying empowered I was able to write three or more pages per day, which helped me complete Act 4 and the first draft – yeah! The first draft is not great and needs 10-15 more pages. Looking forward to making changes and improvements in the next draft.
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Sandra Continues Act 4
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that I was able to keep empowered and write 3 pages per day, and focus on lowering my quality standards. I still catch myself wanting to wordsmith (i.e. correct misspelled words), however I can stop and move on to something else.
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Sandra Started Act 4
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that I could write 3 pages a day, even though I didn’t like the scenes, and I know the outline doesn’t represent the ultimate expression of the conflict. I picked the easiest scenes to write first.
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Sandra Finished Act 3
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that by keeping empowered I was able to write 3 pages per day and finish Act 3. However, I see gaps, and don’t like some of the scenes and the flow of the Act. I’m still learning not to wordsmith and how to accept an awful first draft, being open to making mistakes, and firing my inner critic.
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Sandra’s Continuing Act 3
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep empowered and moving forward. I love the quote from Richard Bach! I was able to write 3 pages per day, however I realized that some of my scenes need to expand to honor the outline.
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Sandra Began Act 3
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that I was able to write 3 pages per day – yeah!
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Sandra Completed Act 2
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to take control of my creative processes. I finished Act 2 however I do not have enough scenes or pages. I plan to create additional scenes and pages that will be added in the next draft.
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Sandra Continuing Act 2
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that wordsmithing shuts off the creative mind, and locks the scene and we don’t want to lock the first draft. I am giving myself permission to write without wordsmithing.
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Sandra Began Act 2
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that I’ve done 5-minute timed writing in other classes before, and I can do it! However, I prefer not using a timer.
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Sandra’s Finished Act 1
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that I chose high speed over quality and I was able to complete a first draft in record time.
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Sandra’s Next Act 1 Scenes
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m staying empowered and allowing myself to continue without having all the answers.
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Sandra’s Lesson 3 First Draft Part 1
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that I was able to write five pages a day to complete Act 1!!! However, I did find myself wanting to make corrections, fix things, and fill-in gaps. I’d catch myself and move on to the next scene.
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Sandra’s Lesson 2 High Speed Writing Rules
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned is that some scenes were easier to use the high-speed writing rules, and others were not. I am making progress with learning this new model and way of writing.
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Sandra’s Lesson 1
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned is that having the beginning, middle and end made it easier to write the first scene.
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Sandra’s Fascinating Scene Outlines
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to incorporate interest techniques into the beginning, middle and end of each scene. This lesson was challenging, time consuming and hopefully more interesting now.
Title: SMUGGLERS JOURNEY
Genre: Drama
ACT 1:
Scene Arc: From police officers speeding down a road to knocking on a house door.
1. EXT. JEEP – DAY
Jeep with four police officers, speeds down a dirt road to a small remote house. They jump out with guns ready.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Police speed down a remote road. Where are the police going?
Middle: (Mystery) With guns aimed, they bang on a house door. What happened? Who are they after?
End: (Uncertainty) Will they capture or shoot someone?
2. INT. OFFICE/HOUSE – DAY
Sloane (age 30) relaxes at home watching tv. Knock on the door. Sloane cautiously peaks through the curtain and sees police with rifles.
Beginning: (Superior Position) Sloane fixes a drink and relaxes in front of the tv. We know that the police are knocking on his door with their guns drawn.
Middle: (Surprise) Sloane peaks out through the curtains. He wasn’t expecting any company.
End: (Suspense) What will Sloane do – open the door or run and hide?
3. INT. PARENT’S HOUSE – DAY (20 years earlier)
Sloane (age 10) and his mother are surprised when a policeman knocks on their door. Sloane dashes to his room and slips under the covers.
Beginning: (Twist) Sloane and his mother dance around and have breakfast. (Surprise) Knock on the door.
Middle: Sloane peaks out through the curtains, sees a policeman. Runs to tell his mother and then jumps into his bed. (Mislead) Sloane pretends to be sick.
End: (Reveal) Sloane has been truant for 40-days. The policeman is here to take Sloane to school.
4. INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Sloane and his mother have dinner at a nice restaurant. Sloane wants dessert and runs out of the restaurant when his mother wants him to wait.
Beginning: (Mislead) Sloane and his mother enjoy a nice dinner. Sloane’s mother insists he finish his dinner before he can eat dessert.
Middle: (Character Changes Radically/ Uncomfortable Moment) Sloane gets mad at his mother, throws his fork on the table and storms out the door. He runs down the street to an alley.
End: (Suspense) His mother chases after him, finds him in the alley and sternly grabs him by the arm. (Reveal) Then she laughs. They pulled a prank by leaving without paying.
5. INT. OFFICE – DAY
Sloane (now 18) interviews for a cruise ship position and doesn’t get it, so he joins the Navy.
Beginning: (Hope/Misinterpretation) Sloane is excited about interviewing for a job on a cruise ship. He didn’t know the interview would involve dancing.
Middle: (Uncertainty) Disappointed when he doesn’t get the job. Not sure what to do. He doesn’t want to go to college.
End: (Internal Dilemma) He wants to get away from home, but not sure what direction to take, so he joins the Navy.
6. EXT. SHIP – NIGHT
At a naval party, Sloane meets a woman. They fall in love and get married.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) Sloane hasn’t really dated and not sure what to do when he meets a woman at a party.
Middle: They go back to her place and make love. (Surprise) The next morning her father enters the room carrying a gun and wakes them up.
End: (External Dilemma) The father will shoot Sloane if he doesn’t marry his daughter right then. Preacher is in the living room.
7. INT. SHIP – NIGHT
Sloane (age 25) studies and passes the captain’s test. He is one of the youngest sea captains in naval history.
Beginning: Sloane studies, passes the captain’s test and is assigned his first ship. (Uncomfortable Moment) Ship mates pull pranks and make things difficult for Sloane.
Middle: (Major Twist) Sloane discovers his ship crew is smuggling oil.
End: (Suspense) Sloane threatens to report the smuggling to the authorities.
8. EXT. DOCKS – NIGHT
Sloane leaves a bar and is unexpectedly ambushed. He puts up a fight, but is no match to his opponent.
Beginning: (Superior Position/Suspense) Mr. Big orders someone to warn Sloane.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma) Sloane tries to ignore the smuggling by leaving the ship and going to a local bar while the smuggling occurs.
End: (Uncomfortable Moment/Uncertainty) Sloane is badly beaten. He manages to crawl back to the ship and collapses.
ACT 2:
9. INT. OFFICE – DAY
Sloane transfers to another ship to get away from the smuggling only to find himself more entrenched.
Beginning: (External Dilemma/Uncomfortable Moment) Sloane requests a transfer to another ship. Unfortunately, the new crew is even more corrupt.
Middle: (Internal Dilemma) Sloane faces a dilemma of reporting the illegal activities or joining in on the smuggling. Either way, he risks being killed.
End: (Character Changes Radically) Sloane learns all about smuggling firsthand.
10. INT. BANK – DAY
Sloane meets with Mr. Big and interviews for a job inspecting ships.
Beginning: (Mislead) Mr. Big meets with Sloane and tells Sloane about an open job inspecting ships.
Middle: (Internal/External Dilemma) Sloane’s family is growing and he needs the money, so he accepts the job.
End: (Misinterpretation/Reveal) Sloane is not aware that his new job involves illegal activities.
11. EXT. DOCKS – DAY
Sloane inspects ships, forges documents, collects fees and fines, and exchanges money (money laundering).
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) Sloane trips and falls as he goes on deck of a ship to inspect.
Middle: (Uncertainty) The ship’s Captain is angry and threatens Sloane as he inspects the ship above and below deck.
End: (Suspense) Sloane signs the paperwork and collects the cash fee. Then moves to the next ship.
12. INT. OFFICE/HOUSE – DAY
Sloane (age 30) at home watching tv, when there’s a knock on the door. Sloane invites the police in.
Beginning: (Mislead) All smiles, Sloane invites the police in and offers them drinks and snacks.
Middle: (Betrayal) Sloane is unaware that Mr. Big tipped off the police. (Surprise) Sloane hides large amounts of cash in his closet.
End: (Reveal) He pays off the police with a large duffle bag full of cash. The policemen leave happy.
13. INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Sloane visits his father in the hospital.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Sloane receives a phone call and leaves for the airport without telling anyone.
Middle: (Uncertainty) Sloane rushes into the hospital to be with his dying father.
End: (Uncomfortable Moment) His father whispers something to Sloane before he dies.
14. INT. PARENT’S HOUSE – DAY
Sloane helps his mother go through his father’s things, and figure out the financial and legal paperwork.
Beginning: (Uncomfortable Moment) Sloan helps his mother go through his father’s belongings.
Middle: (Suspense) He tries to figure out the financial and legal paperwork, however some accounts are missing or hidden.
End: (Uncertainty) He finds out things he didn’t know about his father.
ACT 3:
15. INT. SLOANE’S HOUSE – DAY
Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling business. Sloane tries several legitimate jobs.
Beginning: (Suspense) Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling business.
Middle: (Uncertainty) Sloane tries several legitimate jobs. They all fail and he is unemployed. Arguments with his wife worsen.
End: (Uncomfortable Moment) Sloane drinks and plays with his children while his wife works. She comes home and finds the house a mess and Sloane passed out.
16. INT. BANK – DAY
Sloane goes back to working with Mr. Big.
Beginning: (Dilemma) Mr. Big convinces Sloane to come back and smuggle whiskey.
Middle: (Mystery) One container of whiskey is confiscated by the police and the other disappears.
End: (Uncertainty) The police are hot on Sloane’s trail.
17. EXT. DOCKS – DAY
When business dries up Sloane looks for other ways to make money.
Beginning: (Dilemma) When business dries up, Sloane tries to sell the ship.
Middle: (Betrayal) Without telling Sloane, Mr. Big has the ship blown up
End: (Suspense) Sloane worries about the men onboard.
18. INT. BANK – DAY
An informant tells Sloane who was behind the ship explosion.
Beginning: (Betrayal) Sloane learns Mr. Big ordered the ship explosion to collect the insurance money.
Middle: (Character Changes Radically) Sloane enters Mr. Big’s office calmly and then becomes argumentative and shoves Mr. Big up against the wall.
End: (Uncertainty) Sloane storms out of the bank.
19. INT. PARENT’S HOUSE – DAY
Sloane goes home when his mother dies.
Beginning: (Internal Dilemma) Sloane goes home when his mother dies.
Middle: (Major Twist) Sloane sorts through his mother’s things and finds hidden love letters from another man.
End: (Betrayal) Sloan learns his father wasn’t really his father, and this man died a couple years ago.
ACT 4 CLIMAX:
20. INT. BANK – DAY
Sloane ends his partnership with Mr. Big and walks away from the insurance money.
Beginning: (Betrayal) Sloane ends his partnership with Mr. Big and gives up the life of crime.
Middle: (Dilemma) Sloane walks away from the insurance money.
End: (Uncertainty) With very little savings and not knowing what he is going to do, Sloane goes home.
21. INT. BAR/RESTAURANT – DAY
Sloane meets an old friend for lunch at their favorite bar, not knowing the friend is sober.
Beginning: (Misinterpretation) Sloane meets an old friend for lunch at their favorite bar, not knowing the friend is sober.
Middle: (Uncertainty) The friend thinks Sloane has a drinking problem. Sloane is in denial.
End: (Uncomfortable Moment) Sloane coughs up blood and is rushed to the emergency room.
22. INT. TREATMENT PROGRAM – DAY
Sloane enters a long-term residential treatment program and has difficulty adjusting.
Beginning: (Uncertainty) Sloane enters a long-term residential treatment program.
Middle: (Suspense) He’s almost kicked out for bending the rules.
End: (Uncertainty) Sloane is surrounded by friends and family when he completes treatment.
23. EXT. HOUSE – DAY
Sloane (age 50) on the patio feeling sorry for himself, when his children all show up and surprise him.
Beginning: (Internal Dilemma) Sloane (age 50) sitting home alone, bored, feeling sorry for himself.
Middle: (Surprise) His children show up and throw a birthday party for him.
End: (Suspense/Betrayal) Someone brought booze, mixes a drink and hands it to Sloane.
24. EXT./INT. CRUISE SHIP – DAY
Sloane meets a woman online, falls in love and gets married.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Sloane stands on the cruise ship deck with a woman as the ship leaves the dock.
Middle: (Suspense) Sloane picks her up and acts like he is going to throw her overboard.
End: Instead, he carries her to the back of the ship. (Uncomfortable Moment) As the ship captain conducts the wedding ceremony, Sloane cannot find the wedding ring. It slipped through a hole in his pocket and is in the lining of his jacket.
25. EXT./INT. PRISON – DAY
Sloane becomes a certified addictions counselor and works with prison inmates.
Beginning: (Intrigue) Sloane walks through the doors of the prison.
Middle: (Mislead) Guards take Sloane’s possessions, search him and give him a hard time.
End: (Reveal) Sloane in a room with inmates as he leads a group therapy session.
26. INT. BANK – DAY
Bank employees arrive at work, find the vault empty and Mr. Big gone.
Beginning: (Suspense) Bank employees arrive at work and find the vault empty.
Middle: (Intrigue) Mr. Big’s office has been cleaned out and they cannot find him anywhere.
End: (Cliffhanger) Where has Mr. Big and the money gone?
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Sandra’s Scene Requirements
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to incorporate scene requirements into each scene to increase depth and meaning. Even with doing the empowerment process, this lesson was challenging. I had to cut out several scenes to reduce the outline from 12 pages to 8 pages.
Title: SMUGGLERS JOURNEY
Genre: Drama
ACT 1:
Scene Arc: From police officers speeding down a road to knocking on a house door.
EXT. JEEP – DAY
Jeep with four police officers, speeds down a dirt road to a small remote house. They jump out with guns ready.
Essence: The police are looking for someone.
Conflict: Will someone be shot?
Subtext: Does this person know the police are looking for him?
Hope/Fear: We hope they will be safe. We fear he will be caught or killed.
INT. OFFICE/HOUSE – DAY
Sloane (age 30) relaxes at home watching tv. Knock on the door. Sloane cautiously peaks through the curtain and sees police with rifles.
Essence: The police are here to get Sloane.
Conflict: Will Sloane be shot?
Subtext: Does Sloane know the police are looking for him?
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane hides or escapes. We fear he will be killed.
INT. PARENT’S HOUSE – DAY (20 years earlier)
Scene Arc: From Sloane (age 10) and his mother having breakfast to a policeman knocking on the door.
Sloane and his mother are surprised when a policeman knocks on their door. Sloane dashes to his room and slips under the covers.
Essence: The police are here to take Sloane to school.
Conflict: Sloane has been truant for 40-days.
Subtext: Sloane pretends to be sick. He hates school. His mother is a lonely alcoholic.
Hope/Fear: We hope they will be okay. We fear the police will arrest his mother and take Sloane away.
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane (age 10) and his mother having dinner to them running out of the restaurant.
Sloane and his mother have dinner at a nice restaurant. Sloane wants dessert and runs out of the restaurant when his mother wants him to wait.
Essence: Sloane and his mother have dinner at a nice restaurant.
Conflict: His mother insists he finish his dinner before he can eat dessert. He storms out the door.
Subtext: They pulled a prank by leaving without paying.
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane will be okay. We fear he may be abused or punished.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane (now 18) interviewing for jobs to joining the Navy.
Sloane interviews for a cruise ship position and doesn’t get it, so he joins the Navy.
Essence: Sloane wants to see the world.
Conflict: He’s never been away from home or on a ship before.
Subtext: He wants to get away from home.
Hope/Fear: We hope he will be okay. We fear he may quit.
EXT. SHIP – NIGHT
Scene Arc: From Sloane meeting a woman at a party to getting married.
At a naval party, Sloane meets a woman. They fall in love and get married when she becomes pregnant.
Essence: Sloane is looking for love and his own family.
Conflict: Sloane is at sea most of the time.
Subtext: He doesn’t know how to be a good husband or maintain a relationship.
Hope/Fear: We hope they can make it work. We fear the marriage won’t last.
INT. SHIP – NIGHT
Scene Arc: From Sloane (age 25) studying for the captain’s exam to assigned command of his first ship.
Sloane studies and passes the captain’s test. He is one of the youngest sea captains in naval history.
Essence: Sloane is a young, honest and hard-working sea captain.
Conflict: Ship mates pull pranks and make things difficult. Sloane discovers his ship crew is smuggling oil. Sloane threatens to report the smuggling to the authorities.
Subtext: Sloane is naïve and doesn’t know hazing comes with the job. He hides his anxiety.
Hope/Fear: We hope he will survive. We fear he won’t.
EXT. DOCKS – NIGHT
Scene Arc: Sloane leaves a bar and is beat up on his way back to the ship.
Sloane is unexpectedly ambushed. He puts up a fight, but is no match to his opponent.
Essence: Sloane tries to ignore the smuggling by leaving the ship and going to a local bar while the smuggling occurs.
Conflict: Sloane is badly beaten. He manages to crawl back to the ship and collapses.
Subtext: After discovering smuggling activities, Sloane tries to ignore it. Mr. Big orders someone to warn and rough up Sloane.
Hope/Fear: We hope he will be okay. We fear he will be killed.
ACT 2:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane trying to be honest and above board to learning about smuggling.
Sloane transfers to another ship to get away from the smuggling only to find himself more entrenched.
Essence: Sloane requests a transfer to another ship. Unfortunately, the new crew is even more corrupt.
Conflict: Sloane faces a dilemma of reporting the illegal activities or joining in on the smuggling. Either way, he risks being killed
Subtext: Sloane learns all about smuggling firsthand.
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane will be okay. We are afraid he may be killed.
INT. BANK – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane meeting Mr. Big to accepting a job as an inspector.
Sloane meets with Mr. Big.
Essence: Mr. Big meets with Sloane and tells Sloane about an open job inspecting ships.
Conflict: Mr. Big lures Sloane into the smuggling world.
Subtext: Sloane’s family is growing and he needs the money. Sloane is not aware that he will be forging documents, and exchanging money for a fee (money laundering).
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane does well. We fear he will be killed.
INT. OFFICE/HOUSE – DAY
Scene Arc: From police officers with rifles knocking on the door to Sloane paying them off.
Sloane (age 30) at home watching tv, when there’s a knock on the door. Sloane invites the police in.
Essence: They are here to get Sloane.
Conflict: Will Sloane be caught or shot?
Subtext: Does Sloane know Mr. Big tipped off the police? Did he know they were coming?
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane will be safe. We fear he will be caught and killed.
Scene Arc: From Sloane’s father in the hospital to his father dying.
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Sloane visits his father in the hospital.
Essence: Sloane rushes home to be with his sick father
Conflict: Will he make it home in time?
Subtext: Sloane has become an absent workaholic like his father.
Hope/Fear: We hope his father will live. We are afraid he will die.
INT. PARENT’S HOUSE – DAY
Sloane helps his mother go through his father’s things, and figure out the financial and legal paperwork.
Essence: Sloane helps his mother figure out the paperwork.
Conflict: Sloane’s marriage is on the rocks.
Subtext: Sloane is not home enough.
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloan will try to save his marriage. We fear it’s too late.
ACT 3:
Scene Arc: From Sloane leaving smuggling to caring for his children.
INT. SLOANE’S HOUSE – DAY
Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling business. Sloane tries several legitimate jobs.
Essence: Sloane plays with his children while his wife works.
Conflict: None of the legitimate jobs work out. Arguments between Sloane and his wife worsen.
Subtext: He feels like a failure. He is more of a friend than a father.
Hope/Fear: We hope he will find a good job. We fear he will go back to crime.
INT. BANK – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane being a house husband to smuggling whiskey.
Sloane goes back to working with Mr. Big.
Essence: Mr. Big convinces Sloane to come back and smuggle whiskey.
Conflict: One container of whiskey is confiscated by the police and the other disappears. The police are hot on their trail.
Subtext: Mr. Big sets Sloane up.
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane will be safe. We fear he will be captured and shot.
Scene Arc: From Sloane trying to sell the ship to the ship sinking.
EXT. DOCKS – DAY
When business dries up Sloane looks for other ways to make money.
Essence: Sloane tries to sell the ship.
Conflict: Without telling Sloane, Mr. Big has the ship blown up. Sloane worries about the men onboard.
Subtext: Sloane is unaware of Mr. Big’s plans.
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane will be okay. We fear he will be blamed and captured.
INT. BANK – DAY
An informant tells Sloane who was behind the ship explosion.
Essence: Sloane learns Mr. Big ordered the ship explosion to collect the insurance money.
Conflict: Sloane and Mr. Big argue.
Subtext: Sloane feels betrayed by Mr. Big.
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane will get away. We fear he will be blamed and captured.
INT. PARENT’S HOUSE – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane feeling betrayed to feeling abandoned.
Sloane goes home when his mother dies.
Essence: Sloane sorts through his mother’s things.
Conflict: Sloane’s wife files for divorce and he learns his father wasn’t really his father.
Subtext: Depressed and angry, he drinks heavily to numb his feelings.
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane will be okay. We fear he won’t.
ACT 4 CLIMAX:
INT. BANK – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane getting the insurance money, then giving it up and ending his partnership with Mr. Big.
Sloane ends his partnership with Mr. Big and walks away from the insurance money.
Essence: Sloane gives up the life of crime.
Conflict: With very little savings and not knowing what he is going to do, Sloane goes home.
Subtext: Sloane is defeated and feels like a failure.
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane will find a good job. We are afraid he’ll go back to crime again.
INT. BAR/RESTAURANT – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane having lunch to be taken to the hospital.
Sloane meets an old friend for lunch at their favorite bar, not knowing the friend is sober.
Essence: Sloane meets an old friend he hasn’t seen in years for lunch. Sloane coughs up blood and is rushed to the emergency room.
Conflict: The friend is clean and sober now, and tells Sloane about AA and treatment.
Subtext: The friend thinks Sloane has a drinking problem. Sloane is in denial.
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane will quit drinking. We are afraid he won’t and will die.
INT. TREATMENT PROGRAM – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane afraid to enter treatment to afraid of leaving treatment.
Sloane enters a long-term residential treatment program and has difficulty adjusting.
Essence: Sloane enters an alcohol and drug treatment program.
Conflict: He’s almost kicked out for bending the rules.
Subtext: Is he pretending to be honest and truthful?
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloan will stay clean and sober. We are afraid he won’t
EXT. HOUSE – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane sitting home alone to his children throwing a surprise birthday party for him.
Sloane (age 50) on the patio feeling sorry for himself, when his children all show up and surprise him.
Essence: Sloane rebuilds his relationship with his grown children.
Conflict: Someone brought booze.
Subtext: Can Sloane set healthy boundaries?
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane won’t drink. We fear he will.
EXT. CRUISE SHIP – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane meeting a woman on-line to getting married.
Sloane meets a woman online, falls in love and gets married.
Essence: Sloane gets married at sea on a cruise ship.
Conflict: Will Sloane relapse and start drinking?
Subtext: Has Sloane learned how to have healthy relationships?
Hope/Fear: We hope this relationship works out. We fear it won’t.
EXT./INT. PRISON – DAY
Scene Arc: From Sloane entering prison to counseling inmates.
Sloane becomes a certified addictions counselor and works with prison inmates.
Essence: Sloane becomes a prison addictions counselor.
Conflict: Guards search Sloane and give him a hard time.
Subtext: Sloane never served time for his crimes.
Hope/Fear: We hope Sloane has changed. We fear he may relapse.
INT. BANK – DAY
Scene Arc: From bank employees arriving at work to find the vault empty and Mr. Big nowhere to be found.
Bank employees arrive at work, find the vault empty and Mr. Big gone.
Essence: Mr. Big disappears.
Conflict: Where has Mr. Big and the money gone?
Subtext: Mr. Big is hiding, hoping he won’t be caught.
Hope/Fear: We hope Mr. Big will be caught. We fear he’s put a hit out on Sloane.
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Sandra’s Intriguing Moments
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is that I already had intriguing moments built into each of the acts.
ACT 1
Intrigue/Mystery: Why are the police knocking on Sloane’s door with rifles drawn? What has he done?
Scheme: Before running out of the restaurant, Sloane’s mother coached him on what to do and where to wait for her.
Covert Agenda: Mr. Big orders someone to rough up Sloane.
ACT 2
Hidden Identity: Mr. Big appears to be a respectable banker, and hides one of the largest money laundering empires.
Conspiracy: Mr. Big lures Sloane into the money laundering and smuggling business.
Hidden Identity: Sloane hides his illegal activities from his wife, friends, and family. They think he’s just a sea captain.
Covert Agenda: Mr. Big tips off the police to Sloane’s location.
Cover Up: Sloane hides large amounts of cash in his closet and pays off the police.
ACT 3
Scheme: After Sloane quits smuggling, Mr. Big plots to bring him back.
Secret: Without telling Sloane, Mr. Big orders the sinking of the ship to collect the insurance money.
Secret: When his mother dies, Sloane learns his father wasn’t his biological father.
ACT 4
Hidden Identity: Sloane doesn’t discuss his past illegal activities while in treatment or when he graduates.
Coverup/Mystery: Mr. Big disappears. Where did he go? Was he captured or hiding somewhere?
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Sandra’s Emotional Moments
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to incorporate 2-4 big emotional moments per Act. This lesson also helped me make the emotional moments stronger by connecting them to the setups and reveals. This was a breakthrough lesson for me!
Title: SMUGGLERS JOURNEY
Genre: Drama
ACT 1:
Surprise/Distress: Sloane (age 10) and his mother are surprised when a policeman knocks on their door, and shocked that it’s about Sloane’s 40-day truancy. Sloane does not like school and dreads going back.
Excitement: Laughing all the way home, Sloane has great fun playing with his mother and pulling off pranks, such as leaving restaurants without paying and not getting caught.
Bonding/Love: Sloane (age 25) meets a woman at a Naval party and they flirt with each other. He calls her from every port, and spends all his free time with her on shore leave. When she becomes pregnant, they get married.
Success/Winning: Sloane studies hard, takes the captains test and passes. He becomes one of the youngest captains and is assigned his own ship.
Distress: After discovering smuggling activities, Sloane is badly beaten. He manages to crawl back to the ship and collapses.
ACT 2:
Emotional Dilemma/Moral Issue: Sloane is torn between wanting to do the right thing and report the smuggling, and wanting to make more money. If he reports the smuggling he will be killed, and if he’s caught smuggling, he faces a firing squad. If he can’t beat them, should he join them?
Success/Winning/Excitement: Sloane is making a ton of money for himself and Mr. Big. He is amazed at how easy it is to smuggle, forge documents, and launder money.
Courage: When police officers carrying rifles show up at his door, Sloane smiles and is engaging. He treats the police officers like old friends and invites them in for a drink and to watch the golf game on tv.
Distress: Sloane rushes home to be with his dying father. After the funeral, Sloane helps his mother figure out the financial and legal paperwork.
ACT 3:
Sacrifice/Distress: Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling business. He tries several legitimate jobs that don’t work out. He feels like a failure.
Bonding/Love: Sloane plays with his children, but doesn’t discipline them. He is more of a friend than a father.
Distress/Betrayal: When Mr. Big sinks the ship for the insurance money without Sloane’s knowledge, Sloane is shocked and concerned about the men that may have been on board the ship. Sloane argues with Mr. Big over the phone.
Betrayal/Wound/Hidden Weakness: Sloane is angry that his mother never told him about his real father who is no longer living. Sloane’s abandonment wound is triggered by his mother’s death, and his wife filing for divorce. Depressed, he drinks heavily to numb his feelings.
ACT 4 CLIMAX:
Sacrifice: Sloane ends his partnership with Mr. Big and walks away from the insurance money. With very little savings and not knowing what he is going to do, Sloane gives up the life of crime to be closer to family and friends.
Courage: Sloane enters an alcohol and drug treatment program. He learns how to be truthful, accountable, and to live a sober life.
Bonding: Sloane rebuilds his relationship with his children.
Love: Sloane meets a wonderful woman on-line through a spiritual dating service and they fall in love. They get married at sea on a cruise ship.
Success/Win: Sloane becomes a prison counselor helping inmates change their lives and get clean and sober.
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Sandra’s Reveals!
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to use setups and reveals in every Act to keep the audience engaged.
Title: SMUGGLERS JOURNEY
Genre: Drama
ACT 1:
SETUP: Sloane (age 30 – protagonist) relaxes at home watching tv, when there’s a knock on the door. Sloane cautiously peaks out through the corner of the curtain and sees police with rifles. (REVEAL ACT 2)
SETUP: (20 years earlier) Sloane (age 10) at home with his mother. Knock on the door. Sloane peaks behind the drapes and sees a policeman. After telling his mother, he dashes down the hall to his room. Jumps up and down before he slips under the covers.
REVEAL: Sloane has been truant from school for 40 days.
SETUP: Sloane and his mother have dinner at a nice restaurant. When his mother insists, he finish his dinner before he can eat dessert, he defiantly throws his fork on the table and storms out the door.
REVEAL: Sloane runs into an alleyway. His mother chases after him. She catches him by the arm and starts laughing. They left without paying.
Sloane (age 18) graduates from high school and joins the Navy.
Sloane (age 25) marries and becomes a ship captain.
Sloane (age 30) leaves the Navy for a better paying job on a cargo freighter ship.
Surface Layer: Sloane is a young, honest and hard-working sea captain.
Mr. Big (antagonist) is an international banker who makes a profit by exchanging money.
INCITING INCIDENT: Sloane discovers his ship crew is smuggling oil.
Sloane threatens to report the smuggling to the authorities.
SETUP: Mr. Big slams his fist on his desk and throws things when her hears that Sloane may threaten his smuggling and money laundering operation.
REVEAL: Mr. Big orders someone to warn and rough up Sloane.
TURNING POINT 1: Sloane is unexpectedly ambushed. He puts up a fight, but is no match to his opponent. Badly beaten, Sloane manages to crawl back to the ship and collapses.
Deeper Layer: Sloane faces a dilemma of reporting the illegal activities or joining in on the smuggling. Either way, he risks being killed.
ACT 2: Sloane tries to ignore the smuggling by leaving the ship and going to a local bar while the smuggling occurs.
Sloane requests a transfer to another ship. Unfortunately, the new crew is even more corrupt. Sloane learns all about smuggling firsthand.
SETUP: Self-confident and powerful, Mr. Big meets with Sloane and tells Sloane about an open job inspecting ships. Sloane interviews and then accepts the job inspecting ships.
REVEAL: Mr. Big lures Sloane into the smuggling world.
Influences Surface Story: Sloane’s family is growing and he needs the money to support his wife and children.
Major Reveal: As an inspector, Sloane fakes documents, and exchanges money for a fee.
Changes Reality: We think Sloane is doing his job honestly until we see him forging visas for ship captains.
Mr. Big tips off the military police to Sloane’s location.
TURNING POINT 2/MIDPOINT: Military police begin raids on Sloane’s house. (SETUP from ACT 1)
REVEAL/Hints: Smiling, friendly and engaging, Sloane treats the police officers like friends. Sloane hides large amounts of cash in his closet and pays off the police with a duffle bag full of cash.
Sloane’s marriage is on the rocks since he’s rarely home.
War breaks out and the oil business dries up.
Sloane rushes home to be with his dying father.
After the funeral, Sloane helps his mother figure out the financial and legal paperwork.
ACT 3: Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling business.
Sloane tries several legitimate jobs that all fail.
Sloane plays with his children, but doesn’t discipline them. He is more of a friend than a father. Arguments with his wife worsen.
Mr. Big is losing money without Sloane, and schemes what to do next.
TURNING POINT 3: Mr. Big convinces Sloane to come back and work together again.
SETUP: Mr. Big persuades Sloane that they should smuggle whiskey.
REVEAL: One container of whiskey is confiscated by the police and the other disappears. The police are hot on their trail. If captured, Sloane faces a firing squad.
SETUP: Sloane has the ship moved out to sea. Sloane tries to sell the ship. Mr. Big tells Sloane he will take care of it.
REVEAL: Without telling Sloane, Mr. Big orders someone to sink the ship to collect the insurance money.
Sloane is shocked and concerned about the men that may have been on board the ship. Sloane argues with Mr. Big over the phone.
Sloane is having health problems from all his drinking.
SETUP: Sloane goes home when his mother dies. While sorting through her things he finds love letters from another man.
REVEAL: Sloane learns his father wasn’t really his father.
Sloane’s wife files for divorce. He’s depressed and drinks heavily.
ACT 4 CLIMAX: Sloane gives up the life of crime.
SETUP: Sloane meets an old friend he hasn’t seen in years for lunch.
REVEAL: The friend is clean and sober now. He gives Sloane a treatment center business card and his phone number.
SETUP: Sloane coughs up blood and is rushed to the emergency room.
REVEAL: Sloane calls his friend and enters an alcohol and drug treatment program.
RESOLUTION: Sloane is now clean and sober.
Sloane rebuilds his relationship with his children.
Sloane meets a wonderful woman on-line through a spiritual dating service.
Sloane becomes a prison counselor helping inmates.
Mr. Big disappears.
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Sandra’s Character Action Tracks
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to make my lead characters more action-oriented. This lesson was challenging, as I tend to think more about dialogue.
Title: SMUGGLERS JOURNEY
Genre: Drama
ACT 1: Sloane (PJ) relaxes at home watching tv, when there’s a knock on the door. Sloane cautiously peaks out through the corner of the curtain and sees police with rifles.
(20 years earlier) Sloane (age 10) at home with his mother. Knock on the door. Sloane peaks behind the drapes and sees a policeman. After telling his mother, he dashes down the hall to his room.
Sloane and his mother have dinner at a nice restaurant. When his mother insists, he finish his dinner before he can eat dessert, he defiantly throws his fork on the table and storms out the door.
Sloane (age 18) graduates from high school and joins the Navy.
Sloane (age 25) marries and becomes a ship captain.
Sloane (age 30) leaves the Navy for a better paying job on a cargo freighter ship.
Surface Layer: Sloane is a young, honest and hard-working sea captain.
Mr. Big (AJ) is an international banker who makes a profit by exchanging money.
INCITING INCIDENT: Sloane discovers his ship crew is smuggling oil.
Sloane threatens to report the smuggling to the authorities.
Mr. Big slams his fist on his desk and throws things when he hears that Sloane may threaten his smuggling and money laundering operation.
Mr. Big orders someone to rough up and warn Sloane.
TURNING POINT 1: Sloane is unexpectedly ambushed. He puts up a fight, but is no match to his opponent. Badly beaten, Sloane manages to crawl back to the ship and collapses.
Deeper Layer: Sloane faces a dilemma of reporting the illegal activities or joining in on the smuggling. Either way, he risks being killed.
ACT 2: Sloane tries to ignore the smuggling by leaving the ship and going to a local bar while the smuggling occurs.
Sloane requests a transfer to another ship. Unfortunately, the new crew is even more corrupt. Sloane learns all about smuggling firsthand.
Self-confident and powerful, Mr. Big meets with Sloane and lures him into the smuggling world.
Influences Surface Story: Sloane’s family is growing and he needs the money to support his wife and children.
Sloane accepts a job inspecting ships.
Major Reveal: As an inspector, Sloane fakes documents, and exchanges money for a fee.
Changes Reality: We think Sloane is doing his job honestly until we see him forging visas for ship captains.
Mr. Big tips off the military police to Sloane’s location.
TURNING POINT 2/MIDPOINT: Military police begin raids on Sloane’s house.
Hints: Smiling, friendly and engaging, Sloane treats the police officers like friends.
Sloane hides large amounts of cash in his closet and pays off the police with a duffle bag full of cash.
Sloane’s marriage is on the rocks since he’s rarely home.
War breaks out and the oil business dries up.
Sloane rushes home to be with his dying father.
After the funeral, Sloane helps his mother figure out the financial and legal paperwork.
ACT 3: Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling business.
Sloane tries several legitimate jobs that all fail.
Sloane plays with his children, but doesn’t discipline them. He is more of a friend than a father. Arguments with his wife worsen.
Mr. Big is losing money without Sloane, and schemes what to do next.
TURNING POINT 3: Mr. Big convinces Sloane to come back and work together again.
Mr. Big persuades Sloane that they should smuggle whiskey.
One container of whiskey is confiscated by the police and the other disappears.
The police are hot on their trail. If captured Sloane faces a firing squad.
Without telling Sloane, Mr. Big orders someone to sink the ship to collect the insurance money.
Sloane is shocked and concerned about the men that may have been on board the ship. Sloane argues with Mr. Big over the phone.
Sloane is having health problems from all his drinking.
Sloane goes home when his mother dies, and drinks while sorting through her things.
Sloane’s wife files for divorce. He’s depressed and drinks heavily.
ACT 4 CLIMAX: Sloane gives up the life of crime.
A friend convinces Sloane that he has a drinking problem.
Sloane enters an alcohol and drug treatment program.
RESOLUTION: Sloane is now clean and sober.
Sloane rebuilds his relationship with his children.
Sloane meets a wonderful woman on-line through a spiritual dating service.
Sloane becomes a prison counselor helping inmates.
Mr. Big disappears.
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Sandra’s New Outline Beats
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how these three processes made it easier to fill the plot holes in the story. Another great lesson!!!
Title: SMUGGLERS JOURNEY
Genre: Drama
ACT 1: Sloane (PJ) relaxes at home watching tv, when there’s a knock on the door. It’s the police.
(20 years earlier) Sloane (age 10) at home with his mother. Knock on the door. It’s the police. Sloane has been truant from school for 40 days.
Sloane and his mother have dinner at a nice restaurant and leave without paying.
Sloane (age 18) graduates from high school and joins the Navy.
Sloane (age 25) marries and becomes a ship captain.
Sloane (age 30) leaves the Navy for a better paying job on a cargo freighter ship.
Surface Layer: Sloane is a young, honest and hard-working sea captain.
Mr. Big (AJ) is a banker who makes a profit by exchanging money for smugglers.
INCITING INCIDENT: Sloane discovers his ship crew is smuggling oil.
Sloane threatens to report the smuggling to the authorities.
Mr. Big feels Sloane will threaten his smuggling and money laundering operation.
Mr. Big sends someone to rough up Sloane and serve as a warning.
TURNING POINT 1: Sloane is badly beaten.
Deeper Layer: Sloane faces a dilemma of reporting the illegal activities or joining in on the smuggling. Either way, he risks being killed.
ACT 2: Sloane tries to ignore the smuggling.
Sloane transfers to another ship where the crew is even more corrupt.
Mr. Big meets with Sloane and lures him into the smuggling world.
Influences Surface Story: Sloane’s family is growing and he needs the money to support his wife and children.
Sloane accepts a job inspecting ships.
Major Reveal: As an inspector, Sloane fakes documents, and exchanges money for a fee.
Changes Reality: We think Sloane is doing his job honestly until we see him forging visas for ship captains.
Mr. Big tips off the military police to Sloane’s location.
TURNING POINT 2/MIDPOINT: Military police begin raids on Sloane’s house.
Hints: Sloane treats the police officers like friends.
Sloane hides large amounts of cash in his closet and pays off the police with a duffle bag full of cash.
Sloane’s marriage is on the rocks since he’s rarely home.
War breaks out and the oil business dries up.
Sloane rushes home to be with his dying father.
ACT 3: Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling business.
Sloane tries several legitimate jobs that all fail.
Sloane is more of a friend than a father to his children. Arguments with his wife worsen.
Mr. Big is losing money without Sloane.
TURNING POINT 3: Mr. Big convinces Sloane to come back and work together again.
Mr. Big persuades Sloane that they should smuggle whiskey.
One container of whiskey is confiscated by the police and the other disappears.
The police are hot on their trail. If captured Sloane faces a firing squad.
Mr. Big sinks the ship to collect the insurance money.
Sloane is having health problems from all his drinking.
Sloane goes home when his mother dies.
Sloane’s wife files for divorce.
ACT 4 CLIMAX: Sloane gives up the life of crime.
A friend convinces Sloane that he has a drinking problem.
Sloane enters an alcohol and drug treatment program.
RESOLUTION: Sloane is now clean and sober.
Sloane rebuilds his relationship with his children.
Sloane meets a wonderful woman on-line through a spiritual dating service.
Sloane becomes a prison counselor helping inmates.
Mr. Big disappears.
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Sandra’s Beat Sheet – Draft 1
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how easy it is to put the beats of the story together and improve the flow. This was a great lesson!!!
PJ = Protagonist Journey (Sloane)
AJ = Antagonist Journey (Mr. Big)
Genre: Drama
ACT 1: Sloane relaxes at home watching tv, when there’s a knock on the door.
Surface Layer: Sloane is a young, honest and hard-working sea captain.
Mr. Big AJ1: Mr. Big makes a profit by exchanging money for smugglers.
INCITING INCIDENT: Sloane discovers his ship crew is smuggling oil.
Sloane PJ 1: Sloane threatens to report the smuggling to the authorities.
Mr. Big AJ 2: A new sea captain threatens Mr. Big’s smuggling operation.
Mr. Big AJ 3: Mr. Big sends someone to rough up Sloane and serve as a warning.
TURNING POINT 1: Sloane is badly beaten.
Deeper Layer: Sloane faces a dilemma of reporting smuggling or joining in on the smuggling. Either way, he risks being killed.
ACT 2: Sloane tries to ignore the smuggling.
Sloane PJ 2: Sloane transfers to another ship where the crew is even more corrupt.
Mr. Big AJ 4: Mr. Big meets Sloane and lures him into the smuggling world.
Influences Surface Story: Sloane’s family is growing and he needs the money to support his wife and children.
Sloane PJ 3: Sloane accepts a job inspecting ships.
Major Reveal: As an inspector, Sloane fakes documents, and exchanges money for a fee.
Changes Reality: We think Sloane is doing his job honestly until we see him forging visas for ship captains.
Mr. Big AJ 5: Mr. Big tips off the military police to Sloane’s location.
TURNING POINT 2/MIDPOINT: Military police begin raids on Sloane’s house.
Hints: Sloane treats the police officers like friends.
Sloane PJ 4: Sloane hides large amounts of cash in his closet.
Sloane PJ 5: Sloane pays off the police with a duffle bag full of cash.
ACT 3: Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling business.
Sloane PJ 6: Sloane tries several legitimate jobs that all fail.
Mr. Big AJ 6: Mr. Big is losing money without Sloane.
TURNING POINT 3: Mr. Big convinces Sloane to come back and work together again.
Mr. Big AJ 7: Mr. Big convinces Sloane to smuggle whiskey.
Sloane PJ 7: One container of whiskey is confiscated by the police and the other disappears.
ACT 4 CLIMAX: Sloane gives up the life of crime.
Sloane PJ 8: Sloane enters an alcohol and drug treatment program.
Mr. Big AJ 8: Mr. Big sinks the ship to collect the insurance money.
RESOLUTION: Sloane is now clean and sober.
Sloane PJ 9: Sloane falls in love, and becomes a prison counselor helping inmates.
Mr. Big AJ 9: Mr. Big disappears.
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Sandra’s Deeper Layer
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to build in the deeper layer of the story.
Surface Layer: Sloane appears to be a young, honest and hard-working sea captain inspector.
Deeper Layer: Sloane faces a dilemma of reporting smuggling or joining in on the smuggling. Either way, he risks being killed.
Major Reveal: Sloane accepts a job inspecting ships, faking documents, and exchanging money for a fee.
Influences Surface Story: His family is growing and he needs the money to support his wife and children.
Hints: Police raids on his house. Large amounts of cash hidden in his closet.
Changes Reality: We think he is doing his job honestly until we see him forging visas for other ship captains.
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Sandra’s Character Structure
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create the antagonist’s journey structure in 4 acts.
Protagonist – Captain Sloane
Beginning: Sloane relaxes at home watching tv, when there’s a knock on the door.
Inciting Incident: Sloane discovers his ship crew is smuggling oil.
Turning Point 1: Sloane is badly beaten when he threatens to report the smuggling to the authorities.
Act 2: Sloane tries to ignore the smuggling. Then transfers to another ship where the crew is even more corrupt.
Turning Point 2/Midpoint: Military police begin raids on Sloane’s house.
Act 3: Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling. Tries several legitimate jobs that all fail.
Turning Point 3: Mr. Big convinces Sloane to come back and smuggle whiskey. The ship sinks.
Act 4 Climax: Sloane gives up the life of crime and enters alcohol and drug treatment.
Resolution: Clean and sober, Sloane falls in love, and becomes a prison counselor helping inmates.
Antagonist – Mr. Big
Beginning: Mr. Big makes a profit by exchanging money for smugglers.
Inciting Incident: A new sea captain and inspector threatens the smuggling operation.
Turning Point 1: Mr. Big sends someone to rough up Sloane and serve as a warning.
Act 2: Mr. Big meets Sloane and lures him into the smuggling world.
Turning Point 2/Midpoint: Mr. Big tips off the military police to Sloane’s location.
Act 3: Mr. Big is losing money without Sloane.
Turning Point 3: Mr. Big convinces Sloane to come back and work together again.
Act 4 Climax: Mr. Big sinks the ship to collect the insurance money.
Resolution: Mr. Big disappears.
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Sandra’s Supporting Characters
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create supporting characters with purpose and value.
Supporting Characters: Mary, Joseph, Nancy
Background Characters: police officers, ship officers and crew, bartender and bar patrons, waiter/waitress, bank tellers, receptionist
Support 1:
Name: Mary
Role: Sloane’s alcoholic mother
Main Purpose: Role model for many of Sloane’s beliefs, values and behaviors.
Value: Creates tension and shows us Sloane’s wound from childhood.
Support 2:
Name: Joseph
Role: Sloane’s father
Main Purpose: Sloan’s role model for integrity and a strong work ethic. However, he’s absent from home a lot as he travels too much for business.
Value: Shows us another side and POV of the family dynamics and influence on Sloan’s life.
Support 3:
Name: Nancy
Role: Good wife (Sloane’s second marriage)
Main Purpose: Sloane’s love interest who is calm, caring, honest, and makes good decisions.
Value: She gives Sloane support and motivation for leaving crime and creating a new life.
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Sandra’s Character Profiles Part 2
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create more depth and subtext for my lead characters.
Character Name: Captain Sloane (protagonist)
High Concept: The adventures of a young sea captain lured into the dangerous, terrifying world of crude oil smuggling where he faces a firing squad if caught.
Character’s Journey: Internal: From timid and afraid to confident and fearless. External: From a struggling sea captain to running a top smuggling operation to retiring from crime.
Actor Attractors:
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this movie? Sloane also wrestles with his values and identity.
2. What makes this character the most interesting character in the movie? The irony of him being naïve and friendly while he smuggles, launders money, and fakes documents.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? He faces a major dilemma of being honest or joining in on the smuggling. He fakes documents in a back booth of a bar. He treats the police as friends stopping by for a drink.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? He calmly sits at home watching sports on tv enjoying a drink, when the police raid his home.
5. What is this characters emotional range? From afraid, anxious, insecure and self-doubting to self-confident, courageous, accomplished, and relaxed.
6. What subtext can the actor play? When he talks, he is scheming. He is much smarter than he looks and acts.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? Sloane has an interesting relationship with Mr. Big who becomes Sloane’s business partner. They disagree on most things. Sloane also has an interesting relationship with Reginald, a military officer who will shoot Sloane if he catches him smuggling. Sloane acts like they are best friends and pays him off.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? Through his ability to defuse violent situations and smoothly talk his way out of being captured.
9. What makes this character special and unique? His friendly, charming manner, his loyalty to others, and pretending to be calm in difficult situations.
Character Subtext: Hiding his inexperience with smuggling.
Character Intrigue: Hides his smuggling and forging activities from his wife.
Flaw: Undervalues himself. When stressed he becomes anxious, cautious, and undecisive.
Values: He values family and friends, people’s lives, money and loyalty.
Character Dilemma: Safety versus excitement.
Character Name: Mr. Big (antagonist)
High Concept: Mr. Big is a charismatic banker who lures Sloane into the world of smuggling.
Character’s Journey: From luring Sloane into smuggling and setting him up to realizing he needs Sloane to succeed.
Actor Attractors:
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this movie? He appears to be a legitimate respectable banker, but is actually a notorious, powerful, and controlling money changer.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? He uses other people to do his dirty work.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? He has Sloane beaten up. He has one of Sloane’s ships set on fire and another one sunk. He puts a hit out on the house boy.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? He is first introduced in name only by other characters, and physically introduced when Sloane requests to meet him.
5. What is this characters emotional range? From friendly and helpful, to angry and threatening.
6. What subtext can the actor play? From the beginning he knows he is in control and will defeat anyone who gets in his way.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? His relationship with Sloane. He appears to be best friends, but betrays Sloane and sets him up.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? Through contrast of being friendly and helpful while greedily scheming and planning an attack.
9. What makes this character special and unique? The irony of him being a powerful man who controls others, but he’s actually small in size and stature. He appears to be friendly and generous, but is really greedy and deceptive.
Character Subtext: Lures Sloane into smuggling and money laundering.
Character Intrigue: Hidden agenda: Making money while setting Sloane up. Conspiracy: With Sloane to make money smuggling and money laundering. Secret: Hiding the illegal activities from his family and others.
Flaw: Over-confident in his financial knowledge and money laundering abilities.
Values: Money, prestige, control, fame, winning, family.
Character Dilemma: Wealthy versus being a good person.
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Sandra’s Character Profiles Part 1
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep filling in the blanks and to dive deeper into each lead character’s life.
Character Name: Captain Sloane
High Concept: The adventures of a young sea captain lured into the dangerous, terrifying world of crude oil smuggling where he faces a firing squad if caught.
Character’s Journey: Internal: From timid and afraid to confident and fearless. External: From a struggling sea captain to running a top smuggling operation to retiring from crime.
Actor Attractors:
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this movie? Sloane also wrestles with his values and identity.
2. What makes this character the most interesting character in the movie? The irony of him being naïve and friendly while he smuggles, launders money, and fakes documents.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? He faces a major dilemma of being honest or joining in on the smuggling. He requests to meet Mr. Big. He fakes documents in a back booth of a bar. He treats the police as friends stopping by for a drink.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? He calmly sits at home watching sports on tv enjoying a drink, when the police raid his home.
5. What is this characters emotional range? From afraid, anxious, insecure and self-doubting to self-confident, courageous, accomplished, and relaxed.
6. What subtext can the actor play? When he talks, he is scheming. He is much smarter than he looks and acts.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? Sloane has an interesting relationship with Mr. Big who becomes Sloane’s business partner. They disagree on most things. Sloane also has an interesting relationship with Reginald, a military officer who will shoot Sloane if he catches him smuggling. Sloane acts like they are best friends and pays him off.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? Through his ability to defuse violent situations and smoothly talk his way out of being captured.
9. What makes this character special and unique? His friendly, charming manner, his loyalty to others, and pretending to be calm in difficult situations.
Role in the Story: Protagonist
Age Range and Description: In his mid-20’s to mid-30’s, Captain Sloane is clean shaven and baby faced, as he carefully docks a giant tanker ship at the port.
Core Traits: Charming, Hardworking, Cautious, Evasive.
Motivation (Want/Need): Want: To survive and not be killed. Need: Security and support.
Wound: Abandonment.
Likability: Nice guy. Shows kindness and respect to everyone. Trying to prove himself.
Relatability: Limited experience as a sea captain. No experience smuggling. As a new captain, the ship crew play pranks on him and laugh. His job forces him to do things he doesn’t want to do.
Empathy: Badly beaten up. Barely makes it back to the ship. Risks his life smuggling.
Character Name: Mr. Big
High Concept: Mr. Big is a charismatic banker who lures Sloane into the world of smuggling.
Character’s Journey: From luring Sloane into smuggling and setting him up to realizing he needs Sloane to succeed.
Actor Attractors:
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this movie? He appears to be a legitimate respectable banker, but is actually a notorious, powerful, and controlling money changer.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? He uses other people to do his dirty work.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? He has Sloane beaten up. He has one of Sloane’s ships set on fire and another one sunk. He puts a hit out on the house boy.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? He is first introduced in name only by other characters, and physically introduced when Sloane requests to meet him.
5. What is this characters emotional range? From friendly and helpful, to angry and threatening.
6. What subtext can the actor play? From the beginning he knows he is in control and will defeat anyone who gets in his way.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? His relationship with Sloane. He appears to be best friends, but betrays Sloane and sets him up.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? Through contrast of being friendly and helpful while greedily scheming and planning an attack.
9. What makes this character special and unique? The irony of him being a powerful man who controls others, but he’s actually small in size and stature. He appears to be friendly and generous, but is really greedy and deceptive.
Role in the Story: Antagonist
Age Range and Description: In his 50’s, short in size and stature, no one would suspect that Mr. Big is running illegal operations and setting others up to take the fall.
Core Traits: Charismatic, Controlling, Deceitful, Ruthless
Motivation (Want/Need): Want: Money, power, and control. Need: To prove his strength and to resist weakness.
Wound: Not being good enough in his parent’s eyes.
Likability: He’s intelligent, friendly, helpful, and generous.
Relatability: When he feels out of control emotionally, he tries to control others and situations.
Empathy: He spends long hours working at the bank, often alone. Doesn’t see his family very often.
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Sandra’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create audience connections to characters through the use of likability, relatability and empathy.
Character Name: Captain Sloane (protagonist)
Likability: How he helps his mother with chores and errands without complaining. Kindness and respect to everyone.
Relatability: Encounters rough seas on his first voyage and he becomes sea sick. As a new captain, the ship crew play pranks on him and laugh. Falling in love and getting married,
Empathy: Badly beaten up. Barely makes it back to the ship. His father passes away and there are unanswered questions. Cargo containers disappear. Money problems. A ship sinks.
Character Name: Mr. Big (antagonist)
Likability: He’s intelligent, friendly, helpful, and generous.
Relatability: Many people have a fear of flying. When some individuals feel out of control emotionally, they try to control others and situations.
Empathy: He spends long hours working at the bank, often alone. Doesn’t see his family very often.
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Sandra’s Character Intrigue
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how easy and fun it is to create intriguing layers for characters.
Character Name: Sloane
Role: Protagonist
Hidden Agendas: Make enough money to leave the life of crime.
Conspiracies: Sloane and Mr. Big conspire to smuggle and launder money for a profit, and to beat the competition.
Competition: Getting away with the crime and evading being caught by the police is like a drug high.
Secrets: Without telling anyone, Sloane sneaks some of his father’s saliva for a DNA test.
Deception: He lies to his wife about his job and how much money he makes.
Unspoken Wound: Sloane doesn’t think his father is his biological father.
Secret Identity: He appears to be a father and sea captain, and hides his identity as a smuggler and forger.
Character Name: Mr. Big
Role: Antagonist
Hidden Agendas: Mr. Big has a plan to beat out all the competition.
Conspiracies: Mr. Big and Sloane conspire to smuggle and launder money for a profit, and to take over the competition.
Competition: Mr. Big will do anything to set up a competitor to take the fall.
Secrets: He’s hiding embezzled money in a Swiss bank account under a different name.
Deception: He poses as Sloane’s friend and business partner, when he’s really embezzling funds and setting Sloane up.
Unspoken Wound: Fear of flying (his parents were killed in a plane crash).
Secret Identity: He appears to be a respectable banker, but runs the largest smuggling and money laundering empire.
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Sandra’s Subtext Characters
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to have fun while creating different types of subtext for characters by staying empowered and filling in the blanks.
Movie Title: CATCH ME IF YOU CAN
Character Name: Frank Abagnale Jr.
Subtext Identity: A young check forger and impersonator.
Subtext Trait: Crafty, evasive
Subtext Logline: Frank forges millions of dollars of checks while impersonating a pilot, a doctor, and a lawyer, and evading the FBI.
Possible Subtext: His biggest wound is his parent’s divorce. He justified his actions and didn’t think of the consequences. Addicted to beautiful women. Played a cat and mouse game with the FBI.
Character Name: Sloane
Subtext Identity: A sea captain lured into smuggling and drinking.
Subtext Trait: Charming, crafty
Subtext Logline: Sloane is a sea captain who smuggles oil, and covers his anxiety by being charming and drinking alcohol
Possible Subtext: Raised by an alcoholic mother, and mostly absent father. His wound is abandonment and fear of not being supported. He covers his self-doubt and suspicion by being a people-pleaser. He has a rocky marriage and is more of a buddy than a father to his own children.
Character Name: Mr. Big
Subtext Identity: A banker who runs a hidden smuggling empire.
Subtext Trait: The Boss, deceitful
Subtext Logline: Mr. Big is a banker who controls others and lures Sloane into the world of smuggling and money laundering.
Possible Subtext: He manipulates and controls others. Uses them to do his dirty work and sets them up to take the fall. He lures others into criminal activity. Covers up his vulnerability beneath a tough facade.
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Sandra’s Actor Attractors!
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned is that this is a fun and great assignment for creating really unique and interesting characters with more depth, and clarifying their emotions, actions, subtext, relationships and voice.
Actor Attractors
Lead Character Name: Captain Sloane (protagonist)
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this movie? Inspired by a true story of a young sea captain who is lured into the dangerous, interesting and intriguing world of oil smuggling. Sloane also wrestles with his values and identity.
2. What makes this character the most interesting character in the movie? The irony of him pretending to be innocent and friends with everyone, while he smuggles, launders money, and fakes documents. His transformational journey from timid and afraid to confident and fearless.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? Sloane is beaten up when he discovers the oil smuggling. He faces a major dilemma of being honest or joining in on the smuggling. He requests to meet Mr. Big. He fakes documents in a back booth of a bar. He treats the police raids as if he was expecting them and invites them in for a drink.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? As an adult he calmly sits at home watching sports on tv enjoying a drink, when the police with guns ready unexpectedly bang on his door. Twenty years earlier, as a child at home with his mother, he is nervous and afraid when the police knock on the front door.
5. What is this characters emotional range? From afraid, anxious, insecure and self-doubting to self-confident, courageous, accomplished, and relaxed.
6. What subtext can the actor play? When he talks, he is scheming. His youth, innocence and organizational skills are deceiving. He is much smarter than he looks and acts. He comes across as the victim, when he’s the victimizer.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? Sloane has an interesting relationship with Mr. Big, a money changer, who becomes Sloane’s smuggling partner. They appear to be best buddies, but don’t trust each other and disagree on most things. Sloane also has an interesting relationship with Reginald, a military officer who will shoot Sloane if he catches him smuggling. Sloane acts like they are best friends and pays him off.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? Through his ability to defuse violent situations and smoothly talk his way out of being captured.
9. What makes this character special and unique? His friendly, charming manner, his loyalty to others, and pretending to be calm in difficult situations, which came from being raised by his alcoholic mother.
Lead Character Name: Mr. Big (antagonist)
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this movie? He appears to be a legitimate respectable banker, but is actually a notorious, powerful, and controlling money changer.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? He uses other people to do his dirty work.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? He has Sloane beaten up. He has one of Sloane’s ships set on fire and another one sunk. He puts a hit out on the house boy.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? He is first introduced in name only by other characters, and physically introduced when Sloane requests to meet him.
5. What is this characters emotional range? From friendly and helpful, to angry and threatening.
6. What subtext can the actor play? From the beginning he knows he is in control and will defeat anyone who gets in his way.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? His relationship with Sloane. He appears to be best friends, but betrays Sloane and sets him up.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? Through contrast of being friendly and helpful while greedily scheming and planning an attack.
9. What makes this character special and unique? The irony of him being a powerful man who controls others, but he’s actually small in size and stature. He appears to be friendly and generous, but is really greedy and deceptive.
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Sandra’s Actor Attractors for “Catch Me If You Can”
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create characters that will attract major actors by using the nine actor attractors.
Actor Attractors
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this movie? It’s an interesting and intriguing true story. The lead character Frank (protagonist) is a brilliant young misdirected conman who forged millions of dollars of checks while posing as a pilot, doctor, and lawyer before he was 19.
Carl (antagonist/protagonist) is the FBI agent who tracks Frank down, and is amazed at how intelligent, crafty and creative the kid is.
2. What makes this character the most interesting character in the movie? Frank’s irony is his youth and how he looks innocent, but he is subtly seducing others in order to scam them. No one so young had ever done this before.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? Too many to list all of them. The scene where he looks like he is dying in a French prison, when Carl comes to get him out, Frank escapes (cat and mouse game). The way he was able to pass checks and get pilot uniforms. How he was surrounded by stewardesses to avert being captured by the FBI.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? Frank is introduced on the tv show “To Tell the Truth”. Frank and Carl in the French prison.
5. What is this characters emotional range? Frank goes from calm and friendly to scheming and swindling.
6. What subtext can the actor play? When Frank is talking, he’s scheming and it’s disguised by his youth and innocence.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? The relationship between Frank and Carl goes from conman and FBI agent to Frank losing one father and finding a new father.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? Frank has the ability to confidently impersonate a pilot, a doctor, and a lawyer by speaking their lingo and language of each smoothly. He’s very believable.
9. What makes this character special and unique? Frank is very intelligent, confident, charming and brazen in the way he hides and escapes capture for someone so young.
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Sandra’s Genre Conventions
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is a great way to make sure the genre conventions are incorporated into the script structure in a powerful way.
Title: Smugglers Journey
Concept: The adventures of a young sea captain lured into the dangerous, terrifying world of crude oil smuggling, where he faces a firing squad if captured.
Genre: Drama
Main Conflict: To smuggle or not to smuggle. Either way he faces death.
Conventions of Drama:
Purpose: Emotional and Interpersonal High Stakes
Character-Driven Journey
High Stakes Come from Within
Emotionally Resonates
Challenging, Emotionally-Charged Situations
Real-Life Situations
External Journey: From a struggling new sea captain to running a top smuggling operation.
Internal Journey: From timid and afraid to confident and fearless.
*Changes in bold type.
Act 1
Open with Drama: Military jeep with four officers, speeds down a dirt road to a small remote house. They jump out with machine guns ready. Inside, television blares showing a football game. Sloane mixes a highball in the kitchen and moves to a chair in the living room. Officer bangs on the door. Sloane carefully peaks out behind the curtain.
Inciting Incident: Sloane discovers his ship crew is smuggling oil.
Turning Point: Sloane is badly beaten up when he threatens to report the smuggling to the authorities.
Act 2
New Plan: Sloane tries to ignore the smuggling. Then asks to transfer to another ship, however this crew is even more corrupt.
Plan in Action: Sloane requests to meet with Mr. Big, a money changer, who is secretly behind the smuggling operations. Sloane proposes a deal for the two of them to work together.
Midpoint Turning Point: Military raids begin on Sloane’s house. The house boy steals the money and is caught by the military police.
Act 3
Rethink Everything: Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling. He tries several legitimate jobs that all fail.
New Plan: Mr. Big convinces Sloane to come back. Sloane moves the operation to another location and they try smuggling whiskey. Sloane hires a friend to help, who is hurt and then dies.
Turning Point: Huge Failure/ Major Shift: The military police are aware of the new illegal operation. Sloane starts having health problems. Mr. Big sees the only way out is to sink the ship. The insurance company investigates the sunken ship and delays reimbursement.
Act 4
Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict: Sloane gives up his life of crime and hides out in a residential alcohol and drug treatment program, not knowing it’s just what he needed.
Resolution: Clean and sober, Sloane meets a wonderful woman on a spiritual singles website and they fall in love. Sloane becomes a counselor and works in a prison helping inmates.
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Sandra’s Transformational Structure
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create a 4 Act structure around the transformational journey.
Concept: The adventures of a young sea captain lured into the dangerous, terrifying world of crude oil smuggling, where he faces a firing squad if captured.
Main Conflict: To smuggle or not to smuggle. Either way he faces death.
Old Ways:
· Naïve, blindly obeys
· Dedicated and driven to be the best
· Insecure and self-doubting
· Ignorant of the smuggling world
· Afraid and anxious, drinks alcohol to steady his nerves
New Ways:
· Self-confident and accomplished
· Serene and courageous in any situation
· Relaxed and optimistic
· Honest and trustworthy, legitimate profession helping others
· Clean and sober, recovers from his wounds and addictions
External Journey: From a struggling new sea captain to running a top smuggling operation.
Internal Journey: From timid and afraid to confident and fearless.
Act 1
Opening: Television blares showing a football game. Sloane mixes a highball in the kitchen and moves to a chair in the living room. There’s a knock on the door.
Inciting Incident: Sloane discovers his ship crew is smuggling oil.
Turning Point: Sloane is badly beaten up when he threatens to report the smuggling to the authorities.
Act 2
New Plan: Sloane tries to ignore the smuggling. Then asks to transfer to another ship, however this crew is even more corrupt.
Plan in Action: Sloane asks to meet with Mr. Big, a money changer, who is secretly behind the smuggling operations. Sloane proposes a deal for the two of them to work together.
Midpoint Turning Point: Military raids begin on Sloane’s house.
Act 3
Rethink Everything: Sloane leaves the ship and smuggling. He tries several legitimate jobs that all fail.
New Plan: Mr. Big convinces Sloane to come back. Sloane moves the operation to another location and they try smuggling whiskey.
Turning Point: Huge Failure/ Major Shift: The military police are aware of the new illegal operation. Mr. Big sees the only way out is to sink the ship.
Act 4
Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict: Sloane gives up his life of crime and enters a residential alcohol and drug treatment program.
Resolution: Clean and sober, Sloane meets a wonderful woman on a spiritual singles website and they fall in love. Sloane becomes a counselor and works in a prison helping inmates.
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Sandra’s Subtext Plot
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to focus on both what’s on the surface and what’s beneath the surface to create interesting subtext-oriented plots.
Concept: The adventures of a young sea captain lured into the dangerous, terrifying world of crude oil smuggling, where he faces a firing squad if captured.
Subtext Plots
Fish Out of Water: Sloane is a naïve sea captain who knows nothing about the world of smuggling or leading a crew. Other smugglers and his own crew scheme, lie, and play tricks on Sloane.
A Major Coverup: As partners, Sloane and Mr. Big run the smuggling and money laundering activities disguised as part of legitimate businesses. They keep a second set of hidden books.
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Sandra’s Transformational Journey
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create each of the components of the transformational journey for the protagonist.
Arc Beginning: Young naïve sea captain.
Arc Ending: He becomes a top smuggler and then gives it all up for an honest life.
Internal Journey: From timid and afraid to confident and fearless.
External Journey: From a struggling new sea captain to running a top smuggling operation
Old Ways:
· Naïve, blindly obeys
· Dedicated and driven to be the best
· Insecure and self-doubting
· Ignorant of the smuggling world
· Afraid and anxious, drinks alcohol to steady his nerves
New Ways:
· Self-confident and accomplished
· Serene and courageous in any situation
· Relaxed and optimistic
· Honest and trustworthy, legitimate profession helping others
· Clean and sober, recovers from his wounds and addictions
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Sandra’s Intentional Lead Characters
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create intentional unique loglines for characters. Also, I decided to change my character structure to a dramatic triangle instead of protagonist versus antagonist that I listed in the previous lesson.
Concept: The adventures of a young sea captain lured into the dangerous, terrifying world of crude oil smuggling, where he faces a firing squad if captured.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
Character: Sloane is a young sea captain (protagonist).
Logline: Sloane is a naïve young sea captain who desperately wants to succeed and stay alive.
Unique: Even though Sloane appears to be quiet and unassuming, he is much smarter than he looks or acts.
Character: Mr. Big is a charismatic money changer (antagonist).
Logline: Mr. Big is a charismatic money changer who lures Sloane into the world of smuggling.
Unique: Mr. Big puts on a respectable front while letting others do his dirty work and avoid capture.
Character: Reginald is a military officer (triangle character).
Logline: Reginald is a military officer who tracks smugglers and intimidates Sloane hoping he will lead him to Mr. Big.
Unique: Reginald is corrupt and takes bribes to control his territory and country.
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Sandra’s Title, Concept and Character Structure
Vision: I am doing what I love to do as a writer with several successful produced movies.
What I learned doing this assignment is how important it is to know the character structure before starting the outline process.
Title: Smugglers Journey
Concept: The adventures of a young sea captain lured into the dangerous, terrifying world of crude oil smuggling, where he faces a firing squad if captured.
Character Structure: Protagonist versus Antagonist
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Hi Everyone,
I’m Sandra Nelles and I have written 4 screenplays (3 features and 1 tv pilot). From this class, I hope to write an incredible script that wins contests and gets optioned. Something unique about me is that I have lived in various parts of the country and worked in several occupations including retail, criminal justice, foster care, and mental health. Looking forward to this amazing class.
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I, Sandra Nelles, agree to the terms of the Group Release Form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of Writing Incredible Movies, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, through social media, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, videos, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Sandra’s QE Cycle #6 Rewrite
LOGLINE: A financial executive tries to set up a plant manager to get his way.
ESSENCE: Collaboration works better than competition.
SCENE: INT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Computer screen reads, “ABC Soda Company Profit and Loss Statement. Loss of $200,000 in red at the bottom of the page”. MARCUS (38), handsome, intelligent, impeccably dressed sits behind the computer at his desk. He changes the loss to $500,000.
MARCUS
Sorry, showing a bigger loss is the only way this will work.
He saves it, prints two copies, and replaces the pages in the reports. He shreds the old pages. Packs his briefcase with a laptop and the reports.
INT. ABC SODA FACTORY – DAY
Noisy factory bottles being filled and sealed. Marcus shows his ID. Badge to the security officer at the door.
MARCUS
I’m from the corporate office. Where would I find Carl?
Security officer points to the back of the plant. Marcus approaches a man standing near a machine handing a wrench to someone laying on the floor under a machine. We only see the jean legs and steel toed work boots.
MARCUS
Excuse me, I’m looking for Carl?
Worker looks down at the floor and slightly kicks the boots. CARLEY (35) small and petite comes out from under the machine, stands up and wipes her hands on her jeans. Smiles and offers her hand.
CARLEY
It’s Carley. Carl is my father and he retired a year ago.
MARCUS
My apologies. Is there somewhere quieter where we can talk?
CARLEY
Sure, follow me.
He follows Carley up a metal staircase to the second floor offices, and into a small conference room.
MARCUS
I’m here to talk about the losses the factory continues to show.
CARLEY
Would you like some coffee or something else to drink?
MARCUS
Yes, black coffee please.
Carley leaves the room. Marcus takes out the reports from his briefcase. Carley returns with coffee and a basket of muffins and pastries.
CARLEY
I brought some food in case you’re hungry.
MARCUS
I’m good, thanks. I’ve put a report together. The profit and loss statement is on page three.
Carley quickly glances through the report. She looks at the Recommendation – close the plant.
CARLEY
We’ve been in business for over sixty years, and have a loyal fan base.
MARCUS
Soda pop is a thing of the past, sugar is bad, and the fans are shrinking. Numbers don’t lie.
CARLEY
Sometimes they’re wrong, and sometimes the books have been cooked. I’m not just some small-town hick. I have an MBA from Harvard and I was top in my class. You can’t just go by the numbers, you have to look at the whole picture.
MARCUS
Numbers are the most important part of a decision.
CARLEY
I respectfully disagree. It’s about the people and the product. We’re talking about people’s jobs… Their livelihood. Come with me.
They walk into another room with windows overlooking the plant.
CARLEY
That’s Sue, her husband was killed serving our country. And she’s raising her children alone. Bobby’s wife has breast cancer. Amy’s a single mom with three children. Mary has been working here forty years and put her children through college. Tina’s paying for his mother’s hip replacement.
MARCUS
They’ll get severance pay and find other jobs.
CARLEY
It’s not that simple.
They go back to the conference room. Carley and Marcus continue to argue as they go through the report. We see the clock at noon and they eat lunch at the conference table. The clock shows 3 pm. Carley’s cell phone rings.
CARLEY
Sorry, I have to take this.
She answers the phone and walks to the back of the room.
CARLEY
(whispers)
I’m in a meeting. Make it fast.
(beat)
The answer is NO.
(beat)
That’s not part of the deal.
(beat)
Nope, it’s not negotiable.
She disconnects and walks back to the table.
CARLEY
Now, where were we?
MARCUS
What was that about?
CARLEY
Nothing, let’s get back to work.
Marcus walks over and stands very close to her.
MARCUS
Boggles my mind how you can be soft on this business decision and hard as a rock on something else.
CARLEY
You’re proposing to close a plant that will ruin people’s lives and the economy of a town.
MARCUS
Ok, let’s pretend we don’t close the plant. Do we just down size? Do we turn it into producing something healthy like flavored water or kefir?
CARLEY
(excited)
Yes, those are wonderful ideas!
She hugs him and kisses him. He kisses her back passionately.
FADE TO BLACK.
We hear a gun shot and a thud.
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Sandra’s QE Cycle #6
LOGLINE: A financial executive tries to set up a colleague to get his way.
ESSENCE: Collaboration works better than competition.
SCENE: INT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Computer screen reads, “ABC Soda Company Profit and Loss Statement. Loss of $200,000 in red at the bottom of the page”.
MARCUS (38), handsome, intelligent, impeccably dressed sits behind the computer at his desk. He changes the loss to $500,000, saves it, prints three copies, and replaces the pages in three binders. He shreds the old pages. He grabs a laptop, a pad of paper, and the three binders and walks down the hall to a conference room.
BOB (50’s), the CEO with salt and pepper hair and dressed in an expensive suit, sits at the head of the conference table. Seated to his right, is CARLEY (35), thin, attractive, and her black dress and looks say no non-sense. Clock on the wall shows 9 am.
MARCUS
Sorry I’m late.
Marcus sits down on Bob’s left across from Carley. He hands out the reports.
BOB
One of our smaller companies is showing a loss.
MARCUS
The P & L is on page 3.
They each open the report to page 3.
BOB
I need you two to research this and give me a recommendation in 48 hours.
CARLEY
You want me to cover the operations?
BOB
Yes, and Marcus will cover the financial side. Let my assistant know if you have any questions.
Bob leaves the room.
MARCUS
I don’t see any way that they can make up the loss. I think it’s clear what needs to be done.
Marcus closes the report and gets ready to leave.
CARLEY
They’ve been in business for over sixty years, and have a loyal fan base.
MARCUS
They are a thing of the past, and the fans are older. Besides sugar is bad and people aren’t drinking as many sodas.
CARLEY
Have you even read the rest of the report?
MARCUS
I don’t need to. Numbers don’t lie.
CARLEY
Sometime they’re wrong, and sometimes the books have been cooked. You can’t just go by the numbers, you have to look at the whole picture.
MARCUS
Numbers are the most important part of a decision.
CARLEY
I respectfully disagree. It’s about the people and the product. We’re talking about people’s jobs… Their livelihood.
MARCUS
They’ll get severance pay and find other jobs.
CARLEY
It’s not that simple.
Carley and Marcus continue to argue as they go through the report. We see the clock at noon and they eat lunch at the conference table. The clock shows 3 pm. Carley’s cell phone rings.
CARLEY
Sorry, I have to take this.
She answers the phone and walks to the back of the room.
CARLEY
(whispers)
I’m in a meeting. Make it fast.
(beat)
The answer is No
(beat)
That’s not part of the deal.
(beat)
Nope, it’s not negotiable.
She disconnects.
MARCUS
What was that about?
CARLEY
Nothing, let’s get back to work.
Marcus walks over and stands very close to her.
MARCUS
Boggles my mind how you can be soft on this business deal and hard as a rock on something else.
CARLEY
You’re proposing to close a plant that will ruin people’s lives and the economy of a town.
MARCUS
Let’s pretend we don’t close the plant. Do we just down size? Do we turn it into producing something healthy like flavored water or kefir?
CARLEY
(excited)
Yes, those are wonderful ideas!
She hugs him and they kiss passionately.
FADE TO BLACK.
We hear a gun shot and a thud.
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Sandra’s QE Cycle #5
LOGLINE: An undercover detective sets up an innocent woman to get to her brother.
ESSENCE: Whatever it takes to get the job done.
SCENE: INT. STOREROOM – NIGHT
PHILLIP (35) ruggedly handsome and fit. Dressed in black slacks, white shirt, and leather jacket. His cellphone buzzes and he looks at a text, “Want to go to a party?”, he answers, “Sure.” Next text, “Can you bring a gift?” He replies, “Car in the shop. Pick me up outside City Bank.” Next test, “C U in 15.”
Phillip walks between rows of shelving to the back. The storeroom is neatly organized with perfectly uniform white boxes all numbered in order. When he finds the right box, he pulls it part way out. Slides the lid back, takes out a small manila envelope, carefully puts it in his jacket pocket and zips it closed. Pulls the lid back and pushes the box back on the shelf.
EXT. CITY BANK – SAME
Phillip stands on the corner. A red Mercedes sports car pulls up to the curb and Phillip gets into the passenger side. The driver BRANDY (30) is a gorgeous, shapely woman with long blond hair. She’s wearing four-inch high heels, black leggings, a multicolored tight fitting tank top, flashy jewelry, and a white studded jacket.
BRANDY
(flashing a big smile)
Hi, sweetie.
They share a passionate kiss.
PHILLIP
Got you a gift.
He slips the envelope from his jacket pocket into her bag by his feet. She pulls away from the curb and speeds off.
BRANDY
I’m so excited about this party. There’s supposed to be some important people there.
EXT./INT. LIQOUR STORE – SAME
They pull up to a liquor store.
BRANDY
Grab a case of expensive beer and put it in the trunk. I’ll grab some snacks.
They get out of the car, Brandy hands Phillip the car keys and they walk inside. He goes to the back and grabs a case of beer. She takes snacks to the checkout counter.
CLERK
Will that be all?
BRANDY
Did you go to City High?
CLERK
No.
BRANDY
(handing him her credit card)
You look like someone I went to school with?
Do you have an older brother?
CLERK
No, just a sister.
Phillip takes the beer to the car. Two police officers (one male and one female) in uniform pull up in a patrol car and get out.
PHILLIP
Good evening officers.
They nod and go inside, pour coffee and take them to the check out behind Brandy.
CLERK
Stop that guy. He just took a case of beer without paying.
The officers go outside, handcuff Phillip and bring him inside.
BRANDY
We’re together. It’s a mistake. He’s innocent.
CLERK
Your credit card won’t go through. I tried three times
Brandy looks at Phillip.
PHILLIP
I thought you were paying for it.
Phillip pats his pockets.
PHILLIP
(CONT’D)
Sorry, I seem to have forgotten my wallet.
BRANDY
We’ll just return everything and go get some cash. You can let him go.
MALE POLICE OFFICER
(gruffly)
Once it goes out of the store it’s considered a theft. You’ll have to come back to the station with us.
They handcuff Brandy.
BRANDY
(protesting)
This is a big mistake. We’re not trying to steal.
The officers take Brandy and Phillip outside and put them in the back of the patrol car. They place Brandy’s bag in the trunk.
PHILLIP
(whispers to Brandy)
Calm down. You’ll make things worse.
PHILLIP
(to the police officers)
I have a right to call my attorney.
INT. POLICE STATION – SAME
Male officer takes Phillip to a small room with a table and two chairs. Female officer takes Brandy to another room with a table and two chairs. Brandy sits down as the officer begins going through her bag. The female officer finds the small manila envelope and opens it.
FEMALE POLICE OFFICER
What do we have here?
BRANDY
(lies)
Dunno. I’ve never seen that before.
FEMALE POLICE OFFICER
Looks like cocaine to me. I’ll get it to the lab.
BRANDY
Where’s Phillip? Is he okay? I need to see him.
Brandy is really in an observation room with a window. Phillip and the POLICE CHIEF are in the next room watching and listening.
CHIEF
Good job.
PHILLIP
I feel kind of guilty, but it’s the only way to get to her brother.
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Sandra’s QE Cycle #5 Rewrite
LOGLINE: An undercover detective sets up an innocent woman to get to her brother.
ESSENCE: Whatever it takes to get the job done.
SCENE: INT. STOREROOM – NIGHT
Door of storeroom reads AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY. PHILLIP (35) ruggedly handsome and fit, dressed in black slacks, white shirt, and leather jacket. He looks around before unlocking the door, enters the store room, and quickly closes the door.
His cellphone buzzes and he looks at a text, “Want to go to a party?”.
Phillip texts back, “Sure.”
Next text, “BYOB and a gift”.
Phillip replies, “Car in the shop. Pick me up outside City Bank.”
Next text, “C U in 15.”
Phillip walks between rows of shelving to the back. The storeroom is neatly organized with perfectly uniform white boxes all numbered in order. When he finds the right box, he pulls it part way out, slides the lid back, hesitates before removing a small manila envelope, carefully puts it in his jacket pocket and zips it closed.
PHILLIP
I hate doing this.
Phillip pulls the lid back and pushes the box back on the shelf.
EXT. CITY BANK – SAME
Phillip stands on the corner. A red Mercedes sports car pulls up to the curb and Phillip gets into the passenger side. The driver BRANDY (30) is a gorgeous, shapely woman with long blond hair. She’s wearing four-inch high heels, black leggings, a multicolored tight fitting tank top, flashy jewelry, and a white studded jacket.
BRANDY
(flashing a big smile)
Hi, sweetie. How do I look?
PHILLIP
You always look great.
BRANDY
Are you sure? I want to make a good impression.
They share a passionate kiss.
PHILLIP
Got the gift.
He slips the envelope from his jacket pocket into her bag by his feet.
BRANDY
I’m so excited about this party.
There’s supposed to be some important people there.
PHILLIP
Where are we going and who’s party is this?
BRANDY
A guy who liked my performance
at the club the other night.
PHILLIP
I like to know who I’m associating with.
BRANDY
It’s a surprise.
PHILLIP
You know I don’t like surprises.
BRANDY
Relax, we’ll have a great time.
She pulls away from the curb and speeds off.
EXT./INT. LIQOUR STORE – SAME
They pull up to a liquor store.
BRANDY
Grab a case of expensive beer and
put it in the trunk. I’ll grab some wine.
They get out of the car, Brandy hands Phillip the car keys and they walk inside. He goes to the back and grabs a case of beer. She takes a couple bottles of wine to the checkout counter.
CLERK
Will that be all?
BRANDY
Did you go to City High?
CLERK
Nope.
BRANDY
(hands him her credit card)
You look like someone I went to school with?
Do you have a brother who was in music and drama?
CLERK
No, just a sister.
Phillip takes the beer to the car. Two police officers (one male and one female) in uniform pull up in a patrol car and get out.
PHILLIP
Good evening officers.
They nod and go inside, pour coffee and take them to the checkout counter.
CLERK
Stop that guy. He just took a case
of beer without paying.
The officers go outside, and bring Phillip inside.
BRANDY
We’re together. It’s a mistake. He’s innocent.
CLERK
Your credit card won’t go through. I tried three times
Brandy looks at Phillip.
PHILLIP
I thought you were paying for it.
Phillip pats his pockets.
PHILLIP (CONT’D)
Sorry, I seem to have forgotten my wallet.
BRANDY
We’ll just return everything and go get some cash. Please let him go.
MALE POLICE OFFICER
(gruffly)
Once it goes out of the store it’s considered a theft.
You’ll have to come back to the station with us.
They handcuff Phillip and Brandy.
BRANDY
(protesting)
This is a big mistake. We’re not trying to steal.
What about my car?
MALE POLICE OFFICER
We’re checking the plates.
If you’re detained we’ll call for a tow.
Brandy and Phillip are put in the back of the patrol car, and Brandy’s bag goes in the trunk.
PHILLIP
(whispers to Brandy)
Calm down. You’ll make things worse.
PHILLIP
(to the police officers)
I have a right to call my attorney.
INT. POLICE STATION – SAME
Male officer takes Phillip to a small room with a table and two chairs. Female officer takes Brandy to another room with a table and two chairs. Brandy sits down as the officer begins going through her bag. The female officer finds the small manila envelope and opens it.
FEMALE POLICE OFFICER
What do we have here?
BRANDY
(lies)
Dunno. I’ve never seen that before.
FEMALE POLICE OFFICER
Looks like cocaine to me. I’ll send it to the lab.
BRANDY
(tearfully)
Where’s Phillip? Is he okay?
FEMALE POLICE OFFICER
Want to tell me what’s really going on?
Are you transporting or selling drugs?
Who do you work for?
BRANDY
Please, I need to see Phillip right now.
FEMALE POLICE OFFICER
You’re not going anywhere until you cooperate.
Right now, we’re looking at theft, drug possession,
maybe car theft and other charges.
Phillip and the POLICE CHIEF, middle aged and balding, listen and watch in the next room.
CHIEF
Good job, detective.
PHILLIP
I hate this part of the job. Are you sure this is the
only way to get to her brother?
Do we really have to go through with this?
CHIEF
If you want to keep your job.
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Sandra’s Interest Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is how to use structure, character, and dialogue interest techniques to increase the interest level of the reader to keep them fully engaged.
SITUATION: After being screwed over, Person A returns to Person B to request a truce…but in the next scene, we see that they are actually setting up Person B.
LOGLINE: Two sparing teenage brothers form a truce to discover what their parents are hiding.
SUSPENSE: Wimpy, nerdy DOUG is in his bedroom doing his homework on the computer when his angry older football player brother, RICK, barges in the room.
MAJOR TWIST: After Rick yells at Doug and threatens to break his arm, Doug pulls out a gun and threatens to shoot Rick.
SURPRISE: Suddenly, their parents arrive home and want to know why their chores aren’t done.
MORE INTERESTING SETTING: Instead of the bedroom it could be the living room or family room or school or Doug could be playing a video game or their little sister could demand attention.
MISLEAD/REVEAL: This appears to be typical sibling rivalry however they are not actually related.
SUPERIOR POSITION/DRAMATIC IRONY: We see that two people are gagged and tied to chairs in the basement.
UNCERTAINTY – HOPE/FEAR: RICK threatens to break Doug’s arm. They call a truce and play video games. Parents return home. Parents threaten to ground them and take privileges away.
INTRIQUE: Heard a noise in the basement. Results of the blood tests.
MYSTERY: How did Rick get a broken leg? Why are there hostages in the basement?
CLIFF HANGER: Who are the two hostages in the basement?
SOMETHING UNSEEN: Who and where are the boy’s real parents?
CHARACTER CHANGES RADICALLY: Rick changes from angry to afraid of rats/mice and the basement.
BETRAYAL: JOHN and SALLY aren’t really their parents, the boys were kidnapped as babies from different families.
DILEMMA: Doug could have his arm broken if he doesn’t stand up to Rick. Rick could be shot if he doesn’t let go of Doug.
UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION: Doug about to be beaten up by Rick. Rick not expecting Doug to have a gun. Their parents arriving home early.
MISINTERPRETATION: Boys are relieved to find out they are not related. They think it would be cool if their parents were aliens from outer space.
HOOK: Did you hear that noise in the basement?
PREDICTIONS: Figure things out if they work together.
CREATING A FUTURE: If the boys don’t call a truce they could kill each other. Working together they could outsmart their parents and find out what they are hiding.
ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE: Threatening to break Doug’s arm. Parent’s threat to punish the boys.
SCENE: INT. HOUSE – DAY
Typical two-story Midwestern middle class home with a nicely kept yard in a family neighborhood. Inside the living room, wimpy teenage boy, DOUG is sitting on the sofa playing a video game. We hear a noise from the basement and see a man and a woman gagged and tied to chairs. Doug hears the noise, shrugs and goes back to his game. The front door slams open, RICK, teenage football player, barges in, stomps over to the sofa, pulls Doug up, and gets in his face. Doug has a cast on his right leg.
RICK
(yelling)
Stop posting shit on facebook about me or I’ll break your arm.
Rick lets go of Doug. Doug reaches under a sofa cushion, pulls out a gun and aims it at Rick.
DOUG
Back off or I’ll use this. Don’t you think it’s time we called a truce, brother? We can get more done if we work together.
RICK
Okay. Okay. Put the gun away.
Doug puts the gun under the cushion and sits down on top of it.
DOUG
Want to play a game?
RICK
Sure.
Rick sits down on the sofa and they become engrossed in the game. They hear a noise from the basement.
RICK
What was that?
DOUG
Probably a rat or some mice.
RICK
I hate those things. Won’t catch me going down there.
DOUG
I got the results of the blood tests.
RICK
Yeah, what did they say?
DOUG
Just as we thought, that we are not related.
RICK
That’s a relief.
DOUG
Yeah. Now we need to figure out if John and Sally are our parents.
RICK
Maybe they are space aliens.
DOUG
That would be cool.
JOHN and SALLY arrive home, they come in through the kitchen door, and stand in front of the tv screen.
SALLY
I see your chores haven’t been done.
JOHN
You have 30 minutes to get them done or you will be grounded and the tv and video game privileges taken away.
-
Sandra’s Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment was the basic structure and types of reveals to create a deeper experience and elevate the scene.
LOGLINE: Ben is forced to live and work with his mother, Rose, when he loses his job and his wife kicks him out.
DEMAND: What is Rose really up to? What is she doing every night? Does she really have a busy social life or is something else going on? Why doesn’t she do something with Ben at night besides dinner?
COVER-UP: Ben is suspicious of Rose when she disappears every night.
REVEAL: Rose is dating Hank and they are in love.
SCENE:
INT. PET SUPPLY STORE – NIGHT
Ben returns from making deliveries. He takes a shower and falls asleep on his bed. Rose covers him with a blanket, turns out the light and shuts his door. She grabs her purse and jacket and leaves.
INT. DINING ROOM – NEXT NIGHT
Ben and Rose are having dinner. Rose looks at her watch.
ROSE
Oh dear, it’s later than I thought.
I have bible study tonight.
Would you mind cleaning up?
BEN
Sure, no problem.
Pray that I get my job back.
Rose gets up and kisses him on the cheek.
ROSE
Thank you. See you later.
Ben clears the table, puts the leftovers in the fridge, scrapes and washes the dishes, dries the dishes and puts them away. Ben flops on the couch in front of the tv and channel surfs. Shot of Rose in a room sitting in a circle with three men and two other women.
INT. DINING ROOM – NEXT NIGHT
Rose and Ben finish eating. They carry the dishes to the kitchen. Rose washes and Ben dries.
ROSE
See you later. I’m taking a walk.
BEN
Want me to come with you?
ROSE
No, no, I’m meeting a friend.
Ben, bored, sits in front of the tv, channel surfing, checking his cell phone for messages.
INT. DINING ROOM – NEXT NIGHT
Rose and Ben finish dinner and clean up.
ROSE
See you later, dear.
I have bingo tonight.
Ben sits in front of the tv and channel surfs. Turns off the tv and takes a walk through town, walks past the bingo hall and sees his mother and others inside, turns and walks down the street. He stops in a crowded bar, has a beer and watches a game. Goes home and sits in front of the tv. Rose returns home.
ROSE
I won $50.
BEN
That’s great, Mom.
ROSE
Good night, dear.
BEN
Good night, Mom.
INT. PET SUPPLY STORE – NEXT NIGHT
Rose locks the front door and puts out the “closed” sign. Ben working on the computer.
BEN
Thought maybe we could go out
for dinner tonight.
ROSE
Sorry, I have plans with friends.
Maybe some other time.
Ben eating leftovers in front of the tv and sees Rose in a black dress, heels and shawl dash by.
ROSE
See you later.
BEN
(glued to the tv)
Okay.
Ben decides to follow his mother, and sees her go into a very nice restaurant. She’s seated in a corner booth next to Hank. They are smiling, laughing, and holding hands.
-
Sandra’s Character Relationships
What I learned doing this assignment was how to create and change the character traits so they naturally cause drama in the character relationships to add more interest to the story.
BEN: Conservative, Committed, Competitive, Covering Up
SAMANTHA (SAM): Adventurous, Playful, Charming, Impulsive
JARROD: Charming, Clever, Self-serving, Deceptive
ROBIN: Ambitious, Snobbish, Driven, Manipulative
BEN/SAM
RAPPORT: Both Ben and Sam share a love for birds. Ben’s committed trait and Sam’s adventurous/charming trait work together to restore the bird sanctuary.
CONFLICT: Ben’s conservative trait and Sam’s impulsive trait creates disagreement and conflict.
CONTRAST: Ben and Sam are opposites on most things, except for their love of birds.
COMPETITION: Ben is competitive and wants to win, whereas Sam is playful and wants to have fun.
SUBTEXT: Ben is covering up that he would like a more fulfilling job and relationship. Sam would like to find true love.
BEN/JARROD
RAPPORT: Ben and Jarrod are coworkers on the same team. Ben’s committed trait and Jarrod’s charming/clever traits build the rapport to work together to get the job done.
CONFLICT: Ben is conservative and does things ethically, whereas Jarrod is deceptive and unethical which creates arguments on how to complete projects.
CONTRAST: Ben is committed and looks at what is best for the team and company, Jarrod is self-serving and looks at what will benefit him the most.
COMPETITION: Both are competing for a promotion. Ben’s committed/conservative traits has him work hard, fairly and honestly. Jarrod’s clever/deceptive/self-serving traits have him wanting to win at any cost, including eliminating the competition by setting Ben up to be fired.
SUBTEXT: Ben is covering up feeling stuck in an unfulfilling job and marriage. Jarrod is hiding his affair with Robin (Ben’s wife).
BEN/ROBIN
RAPPORT: Ben is committed to his marriage with Robin. Robin puts on a false front to manipulate Ben to get what she wants.
CONFLICT: Ben’s committed, conservative and competitive traits clash with Robin’s ambitious, driven and manipulative social climbing traits. Disagreements arise when she pushes him to get a promotion so they can get a bigger and more expensive house, and he tries to reign in her spending.
CONTRAST: Ben is a conservative/committed nice guy and Robin is a snobbish/ambitious social climber.
COMPETITION: Ben’s competitive/committed traits wants to keep things safe and comfortable. Robin’s snobbish/manipulative traits wants to keep growing and moving up the social ladder faster.
SUBTEXT: Ben is covering up that he is really unhappy in his job and relationship. Robin has outgrown Ben and is hiding her affair with Jarrod.
-
Sandra’s QE Cycle #4 Rewrite
LOGLINE: Faced with a tight deadline, a publisher must decide whether to fire her assistant or not when the assistant leaks a secret.
ESSENCE: Maxine appears tough to protect her emotional vulnerability.
TRAIT CHANGED: Maxine’s paranoid trait changed to confrontational.
SCENE:
INT. PUBLISHING COMPANY OFFICE – DAY
MAXINE (50) stunning, tall, slender, perfectly put together without a hair out of place, owner of a successful publishing company. Sits at her desk and computer in her corner office with a spectacular view she sits at her desk.
RENEE (30) very attractive, sharp, average height and weight, perky, and impeccably dressed in a black suit, sits at her desk just outside Maxine’s office.
MAXINE
Renee, please bring me the mail.
Renee quickly slips an envelope into her desk drawer before bringing the neatly stacked mail to Maxine’s “In” box.
RENEE
Good Morning Maxine. Here you go. Did you read my manuscript?
MAXINE
Not yet. You are a great assistant, and have a lot of potential.
Maxine opens the top item.
RENEE
I’ll get your coffee.
Renee walks out and returns in a few minutes with a cup of coffee, a note pad and pen.
MAXINE
Please shut the door.
Renee shuts the door, drops the note pad and pen on the chair opposite Maxine’s desk. She sees Maxine is reading a letter from a Private Investigator. She spills a little coffee on Maxine’s desk as she sets it down. She immediately wipes it up with a napkin and throws the napkin in the trash can. Renee takes her place in the chair opposite Maxine’s desk. She sits down straightens her skirt and brushes some lint off her skirt.
MAXINE
Do you have any idea why I received a letter from a Private Investigator?
RENEE
Uh, no.
MAXINE
Do you remember when I hired you I told you I needed someone I could count on and trust? If you did what I said you could go far in this company, and if not you’d be fired and your career would be over?
RENEE
Yes, I remember. I’ve done everything you asked and more.
MAXINE
I’ve been testing you with confidential information, and I’ve been able to trust you up until now. (beat) This PI, who I did not contact, says he may be able to help find the baby I gave up for adoption 30 years ago.
RENEE
That’s great.
MAXINE
When I told you, I asked you not to share this information with anyone. (beat) There’s only two people who know about this baby. You and one other person, who is dead.
RENEE
I was just trying to help. I thought you’d want to know.
MAXINE
You betrayed my trust and if the year-end report wasn’t due to the Board of Directors next week, I’d fire you right now.
RENEE
Thank you.
MAXINE
You’re still on probation and I’ll be watching you closely. What’s on my schedule today and any messages?
RENEE
A junior high school wants you to speak at career day. You’ve got a meeting with Accounting at 9 am, Sales at 10:30 am ….
MAXINE
(cuts her off)
I only go to Ivy League and prestigious private schools… tell them my schedule is busy, maybe next year. Clear my afternoon calendar and I need you to work late this week.
Renee returns to her desk as Maxine goes through the rest of the mail. Maxine quickly wipes a tear away and takes a sip of coffee to compose herself. Renee telephones her boyfriend JACK.
RENEE
(whispering)
Hi sweetie, I can’t make it tonight. I need to work late.
JACK (O.S.)
Again? Did you tell her you deserve to be promoted?
RENEE
I dropped some hints. I’m waiting for the right time.
JACK (O.S.)
Let me know if you want me to bring you any dinner tonight. Love you.
RENEE
Love you too, bye.
MAXINE
Renee, bring me the accounting report.
Renee hands the report to Maxine.
MAXINE
Who was that on the phone?
RENEE
I was just letting my boyfriend know I would be working late. I rearranged your schedule as you asked.
MAXINE
What does he do?
RENEE
He’s an artist.
MAXINE
Is he famous or successful?
RENEE
Not yet.
MAXINE
If you want to be successful, you need to associate with successful people and not wannabe’s.
RENEE
You know I’ve been looking for my birth parents. (beat) Wouldn’t it be funny if you were my mother?
MAXINE
Or maybe your father. I was Max before I was Maxine.
-
Sandra’s QE Cycle #4 – First Draft
LOGLINE: Faced with a tight deadline, a successful business woman must decide whether to fire her assistant or not when the assistant leaks a secret.
ESSENCE: Maxine appears tough to protect her emotional vulnerability.
TRAIT CHANGED: Maxine’s paranoid trait changed to confrontational.
SCENE:
INT. PUBLISHING COMPANY OFFICE – DAY
MAXINE (50) attractive, tall, slender, successful publishing company owner is dressed in expensive clothing without a hair out of place. In her corner office with a spectacular view she sits at her desk.
RENEE (30) very attractive, sharp, average height and weight, perky, and impeccably dressed in a black suit, sits at her desk just outside Maxine’s office.
MAXINE
Renee bring me the mail. Don’t open it. Just bring it.
Renee quickly slips an envelope into her desk drawer before bringing the neatly stacked mail to Maxine’s “In” box. Maxine opens the top item.
RENEE
Good Morning Maxine. Here you go. Did you read my manuscript?
MAXINE
Not yet.
RENEE
I’ll get your coffee.
Renee walks out and returns in a few minutes with a cup of coffee, a note pad and pen.
MAXINE
Please shut the door.
Renee shuts the door, drops the note pad and pen on the chair opposite Maxine’s desk. She sees Maxine is reading a letter from a Private Investigator. She spills a little coffee on Maxine’s desk as she sets it down. She immediately wipes it up with a napkin and throws the napkin in the trash can. Renee takes her place in the chair opposite Maxine’s desk. She sits down straightens her skirt and brushes some lint off her skirt.
MAXINE
Do you have any idea why I received a letter from a Private Investigator?
RENEE
Uh, no.
MAXINE
Do you remember when I hired you I told you I needed someone I could count on and trust? If you did what I said you could go far in this company, and if not you’d be fired and your career would be over?
RENEE
Yes, I remember. I’ve done everything you asked and more.
MAXINE
I’ve been testing you with confidential information, and I’ve been able to trust you up until now. (beat) This PI, who I did not contact, says he may be able to help find the baby I gave up for adoption 30 years ago.
RENEE
That’s great.
MAXINE
When I told you, I asked you not to share this information with anyone. (beat) There’s only two people who know about this baby. You and one other person, who is dead.
RENEE
I was just trying to help. I thought you’d want to know.
MAXINE
You betrayed my trust and if the year-end report wasn’t due to the Board of Directors next week, I’d fire you right now.
RENEE
Thank you.
MAXINE
You’re still on probation and I’ll be watching you closely. What’s on my schedule today and any messages?
RENEE
A junior high school wants you to speak at career day. You’ve got a meeting with Accounting at 9 am, Sales at 10:30 am ….
MAXINE
(cuts her off)
I only go to Ivy League and prestigious private schools… tell them my schedule is busy, maybe next year. Clear my afternoon calendar and I need you to work late this week.
Renee returns to her desk as Maxine goes through the rest of the mail. Renee telephones her boyfriend JACK.
RENEE
(whispering)
I sweetie, I can’t make it tonight. I need to work late.
JACK (O.S.)
Again? Did you tell her you deserve to be promoted?
RENEE
No, I dropped some hints. It depends on her mood.
JACK (O.S.)
Let me know if you want me to bring you any dinner tonight. Love you.
RENEE
Love you too, bye.
MAXINE
Renee, bring me the accounting report.
Renee hands the report to Maxine.
MAXINE
Who was that on the phone?
RENEE
I was just letting my boyfriend know I would be working late. I rearranged your schedule as you asked.
MAXINE
What does he do?
RENEE
He’s an artist.
MAXINE
Is he famous or successful?
RENEE
Not yet.
MAXINE
If you want to be successful, you need to associate with successful people and not wannabe’s.
RENEE
I’ve been looking for my birth parents. (beat) Wouldn’t it be funny if you were my mother?
MAXINE
Not your mother, more like your father. I was Max before I was Maxine.
-
Sandra’s QE Cycle #3 Rewrite of Lesson 14
LOGLINE: Things fall apart when two distrustful police officers are forced to work together to solve the murder of the mayor.
ESSENCE: Collaboration works better than competition.
SCENE:
INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Police CHIEF (50) balding, stocky, gruff, sits behind a metal table, impatiently stares at the clock on the wall that reads 9:15 am. NANCY (30) slender, attractive, short hair, dressed in uniform leans against a wall with her arms crossed. SQUIRE (35), dark hair, ruggedly handsome, fit, looks totally hot in his uniform, casually saunters into the room without a care in the world.
CHIEF
You’re late. Where were you?
SQUIRE
I haven’t had breakfast yet.
No doughnuts and coffee?
CHIEF
I’ve called you here to work on an important case together.
The mayor has been murdered, and we need you two
to interview a possible witness-suspect.
NANCY
But I work in domestic violence not homicide.
CHIEF
We need everyone on this and you’re going to need to
go undercover as husband and wife to help find out what happened.
Squire smiling, moves in close to Nancy and puts his arm around her. She glares at him and brushes his arm away.
SQUIRE
Sounds good to me. We get to spend time alone together.
NANCY
I can’t … I’m getting married in two days.
SQUIRE
(whispers in her ear)
Maybe he’s not the right guy for you.
CHIEF
It’ll need to be postponed if you want to keep your job.
NANCY
Surely there’s someone else.
CHIEF
If there was, you wouldn’t be here.
We need everyone on this case.
Chief flips a light switch and we can see through the window in the next room. Sitting with her head in her arms on the table, IRIS (50’s) dirty and in ragged clothes, appears to be asleep.
Nancy sneezes and coughs.
NANCY
I may be coming down with something.
SQUIRE
What do we know so far?
Chief throws a file on the table.
CHIEF
Read the report…I have to get back upstairs.
Chief leaves the room. Squire begins looking through the file.
NANCY
So, is SQUIRE your real name or a nickname?
SQUIRE
Long story. (reading) Mayor was hit on the head with a trophy in his
home office. Iris is in her 50’s, homeless, arrested for shoplifting,
petty theft…all minor stuff…was found disoriented nearby…
NANCY
Suppose you think you should question her first?
SQUIRE
(smiling)
Ladies first.
Nancy storms into the interrogation room. Throws the file and a pad of paper on the table and sits down across from Iris.
NANCY
(loudly)
WAKE UP. We need to talk. What’s your name?
Iris remains with her head on the table and eyes closed.
IRIS
(whispers)
Iris.
NANCY
(shouts)
OKAY, IRIS. Sit up, this is serious.
IRIS
I can hear you…not feeling great…
NANCY
Smells like you’ve been drinking.
IRIS
Uh huh. It’s legal.
NANCY
What were you doing at the Mayor’s house?
IRIS
Is that where I was?
NANCY
The Mayor’s been murdered. Did you see anything?
IRIS
I don’t remember.
Nancy grabs the file and pad and storms out of the room and goes into the observation room.
NANCY
(speaks softly)
She’s too drunk to question and
she needs medical attention
for that nasty gash on her head.
Squire holding a cardboard tray with two coffees and breakfast wraps.
SQUIRE
(smiling)
Let me show you how it’s done, sweetie.
Squire waves the tray under Nancy’s nose as he leaves. He quietly enters the other room, and gently places the tray on the table and sits down.
SQUIRE
Hi, Iris. I brought some coffee and breakfast.
This should help you feel better… if you help me out and tell the truth
Squire takes a bite and a sip of coffee. Iris sits up, reaches for the coffee. Stares a Squire.
IRIS
Squire is that you?
SQUIRE
Mother?
-
Sandra’s QE Cycle #3
LOGLINE: Things fall apart when two distrustful police officers are forced to work together to solve a murder.
ESSENCE: Collaboration works better than competition.
SCENE:
INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Police CHIEF (50) balding, stocky, gruff, calls two police officers into the interrogation room. NANCY (30) slender, attractive, confrontational, stubborn, scheming, caring. SQUIRE (35) ruggedly handsome, evasive, selfish, happy-go-lucky, seductive.
CHIEF
I’ve called you down here to work on a case together.
The Mayor has been murdered, and we need you to
Interview a possible witness-suspect.
(beat)
And you are going to need to go undercover as
husband and wife to help find out what happened.
Squire smiling, moves in close to Nancy and puts his arm around her. She glares at him and brushes his arm away.
SQUIRE
Sounds good to me. We get to spend time alone together.
NANCY
I can’t … I’m getting married in two days.
CHIEF
It’ll need to be postponed if you want to keep your job.
NANCY
Surely there’s someone else.
SQUIRE
Maybe he’s not the right guy for you.
CHIEF
If there was, you wouldn’t be here.
We need everyone on this case.
Chief flips a light switch and we can see through the window in the next room. Sitting with her head in her arms on the table, IRIS (50’s) dirty and in ragged clothes, appears to be asleep.
SQUIRE
What do we know so far?
Chief throws a file on the table.
CHIEF
Read the report…I have to get back upstairs.
Chief leaves the room. Squire begins looking through the file.
SQUIRE
Mayor was hit on the head with a trophy in his home office.
Iris is in her 50’s, homeless, arrested for shoplifting, petty theft…
was found disoriented nearby…
NANCY
Suppose you think you should question her first.
SQUIRE
(smiling)
Ladies first.
Nancy storms into the other room. Throws the file and a pad of paper on the table and sits down across from Iris.
NANCY
(loudly)
WAKE UP. We need to talk. What’s your name?
Iris remains with her head on the table and eyes closed.
IRIS
(whispers)
Iris.
NANCY
(louder)
Okay, Iris. Sit up, this is serious.
IRIS
I can hear you…not feeling great…
NANCY
Smells like you’ve been drinking.
IRIS
Uh huh. It’s legal.
NANCY
What were you doing at the Mayor’s house?
IRIS
Is that where I was?
NANCY
The Mayor’s been murdered. Did you see anything?
IRIS
I don’t remember.
Nancy grabs the file and pad and storms out of the room and goes into the observation room.
NANCY
She’s too drunk to question.
(softens)
She may need medical attention.
Gash on her arm.
Squire holding a cardboard tray with two coffees and breakfast wraps.
SQUIRE
(smiling)
Let me show you how it’s done, sweetie.
There’s some on the table for you.
Squire quietly enters the other room, and places the tray on the table and sits down.
SQUIRE
Hi, Iris. I brought some coffee and breakfast.
This should help you feel better.
Iris sits up, takes a bite and a sip of coffee. Stares a Squire.
IRIS
Squire is that you?
SQUIRE
Mother?
-
Sandra’s Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is practicing and becoming more comfortable with including as many interest techniques as I can into each scene. Each time it becomes a little easier. This assignment was actually fun.
LOGLINE: Samantha invites Ben into her house to meet her female macaw, when suddenly the power goes out and Samantha convinces Ben to spend the night.
ESSENCE: Ben is going through a messy divorce and is not ready for a relationship.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES: Prediction, Creating a Future, Uncomfortable Moment, Hook, Dilemma, Anticipatory Dialogue, Mystery
EXT. SAMANTHA’S MANSION – DUSK
SAMANTHA
You want to come in and meet
Lucy … my macaw?
Ben has been helping clear brush, He’s dirty and sweaty.
BEN
(looks at the sky)
I need to get going. Looks
like a storm’s coming.
Besides I’m a mess.
[Uncomfortable Moment]
SAMANTHA
(smiling)
It’ll only take a minute.
They go inside the kitchen.
INT. SAMANTHA’S MANSION – SAME
BEN
I need to wash my hands.
SAMANTHA
(pointing)
Bathroom’s right there.
Ben washes his hands. Sees his dirty face in the mirror. Washes his face. Brushes the leaves off his shirt. Runs his fingers through his hair. Wipes the sink out with a tissue and throws it in the trash. Washes his hands again. Walks back into the kitchen.
SAMANTHA
She’s just in here.
As they stroll into the sun room, Samantha flips the light switch on. Large painting half-done of the macaw sits on an easel. Other paintings of birds are leaned up against the wall.
BEN
She’s beautiful, but seems lonely.
SAMANTHA
She likes you. She doesn’t like Richard.
She turns her back and won’t even look at him.
BEN
(under his breathe)
Good judge of character.
That makes two of us.
(looking at the paintings)
Did you do these?
SAMANTHA
Yes… they’re not finished.
BEN
They are really good.
Do you plan to show or sell them?
SAMANTHA
They’re not that good. It was my first attempt
at birds. I was just playing around.
BEN
(encouraging)
I bet we could sell them in the store.
[Prediction/Creating a Future]
SAMANTHA
You know what they say about those who can
do and those who can’t teach. I don’t show my
work. I’ll stick with teaching.
Sound of the wind, rain, thunder, and crack of lightening. Suddenly the lights go off and it’s dark.
[Uncomfortable Moment/Hook]
BEN
Got a flashlight or candles?
SAMANATHA
(whispers)
In the kitchen. Come, take my hand.
Samantha grabs his hand and they inch their way to the kitchen, bumping into furniture.
[Uncomfortable Moment for Ben/Creating a Future]
BEN
Why are you whispering?
SAMANTHA
Isn’t that what people do when they
walk around the house in the dark?
BEN
Only if they’re burglars, or trying not to
wake up anyone.
SAMANTHA
My roommate is out of town until tomorrow.
I don’t like staying here alone.
BEN
Do you think this place is haunted?
SAMANTHA
Promise me you’ll stay tonight.
BEN
We could go back to town.
More sounds of heavy rain, wind and loud thunder.
SAMANTHA
Not in this storm. We’re safer inside.
(beat)
Here’s the kitchen center island. There’s a candle and
matches in the middle.
BEN
Found them. You’ll have to let go so I can light it.
Ben lights the candle. Samantha SCREAMS.
SAMANTHA
AHHHHHHHHHHH.
Just inside the kitchen door stands BOB (40’s), un-kept, tough looking big guy, drenched, wearing military camouflage, trench coat, boots, and holding a machete in his right hand. At his left side, JAKE, full grown, German shepherd dog, growls. [Uncomfortable Moment/Hook]
BOB
(gruffly)
You move and Jake attacks to kill.
[Anticipatory Dialogue]
BEN
(fearfully)
Okay.
BOB
That your van outside?
BEN
(scared)
Uh huh.
[Dilemma – will Ben lose his van, his life, or both?]
BOB
Mind if we spend the night in it?
BEN
Ah no … it’s unlocked.
SAMANTHA
Want a sandwich? By the way, I’m Samantha and this is Ben.
BOB
Thanks. I’m Bob.
Samantha points to the cooler on the floor. Jake lays down. Samantha slowly and carefully opens the cooler, pulls out a couple sandwiches and a bottle of water, and places them on the counter near Bob.
Bob lifts his arm with the machete and starts walking towards Samantha and Ben. Their eyes widen, frozen they GASP as Bob lays the machete on the island.
BOB
You shouldn’t leave
your tools out in the rain.
Bob grabs the sandwiches and water, puts them in his coat pockets, and walks out the door. Jake follows. We hear the van doors opening and slamming shut. [Mystery – who is Bob and what is he doing there?]
Ben rushes to the door and locks it.
BEN
Any other unlocked doors?
[Anticipatory Dialogue]
SAMANTHA
No. This is the only one I leave unlocked.
BEN
Now what?
SAMANTHA
You hungry? We could build a fire in
the fireplace and roast hot dogs.
[Creates a future/Anticipatory Dialogue]
She grabs a flashlight out of a drawer and Ben slips the machete into the drawer. He follows Samantha as she goes into the den with the fireplace. She hands him the flashlight, crumbles some newspaper and puts it on the logs in the fireplace. She starts to strike a match.
BEN
Wait… we need to make sure the draft is open.
Samantha lights the candles on the mantle. Ben uses the flashlight and sees that the draft is closed. He pushes but it doesn’t want to open. He pushes harder and some soot comes down on him. He coughs and comes out. Wipes his eyes with his shirt. He uses the poker to try and push it. It opens and a small locked metal box falls down on the logs.
BEN
(curious)
What is this?
SAMANTHA
(excited)
Dunno.. maybe one of Uncle Harry’s hidden treasures.
[Mystery]
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Sandra’s Challenging Situations
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is how to master the skill of creating interest, meaning, and entertainment in every scene by creating challenging situations to engage the audience.
SCENE 1
Current Scene Logline: Ben helps a group clean out brush to restore a bird sanctuary.
Essence: The more Ben tries to impress Samantha, the worse he looks.
Brainstorm List of Possible Challenges:
-Ben hands get cut and scratched.
– Ben hurts his back.
-Ben rips jeans.
-Ben slips, is covered in mud, and embarrassed.
-Ben is angry at someone on their cellphone and not helping.
-Ben gets into a fight with the person not working.
-Ben is afraid to talk.
Quick Summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge:
Ben has a crush on Samantha, and agreed to help her restore the bird sanctuary. While helping clear brush, Ben becomes increasingly angry at Richard who is not doing any of the physical labor and spends his time on his cellphone. Ben fumes inside and is afraid to talk. To make matters worse, Ben forgot to bring gloves, his hands are scratched and bloody, and his jeans are ripped. He slips and is covered in mud. He’s embarrassed when everyone laughs. He loses it and lashes out verbally and physically on Richard.
SCENE 2
Current Scene Logline: Samantha invites Ben into her house to meet her female macaw.
Essence: Ben is not sure if he is ready for a relationship.
Brainstorm List of Possible Challenges:
-Ben washes his face and hands in the bathroom and leaves a mess.
– Unexpectedly, the power goes out.
– Ben trips and knocks Samantha off her feet.
-Ben umps his shin on a piece of furniture.
– A rough looking guy with a machete stands in the kitchen with a growling dog.
Quick Summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge
Samantha invites Ben into her house to meet her female macaw. A serious storm with strong winds, heavy rain and lightning causes the power to go out. Ben trips trying to find the door and knocks Samantha off her feet. They get up and slowly creep towards the kitchen. On the way, Ben bumps his shin on a piece of furniture and begins swearing. In the kitchen they light a candle and notice a rough looking guy with a machete standing near the kitchen door with a German Shepherd dog. The dog growls. The tough guy tells them they aren’t going anywhere.
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Sandra’s Full-Out Characters
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is the importance of creating lead characters that bring drama and entertainment to the story. For me it’s been a challenge to try to fit all the character traits into one scene, and when writing a rom-com having nice characters that are not dull.
CURRENT
DESCRIPTION: BEN is a reserved computer software salesman who is fired from his job, and forced to work in the family business.
TRAITS: Helpful, hardworking, competitive, covering up
SUBTEXT: BEN is covering up his intuitive ability with birds.
REVISED
DESCRIPTION: BEN, recently fired from his job as a software salesman, is forced to work for his mother.
TRAITS: Conservative, loyal, competitive, covering up
SUBTEXT: BEN loves birds, but is insecure, so he tries to cover up his intuitive abilities with birds.
CURRENT
DESCRIPTION: SAMANTHA is an artist who recently inherited her uncle’s mansion.
TRAITS: Creative, free spirit, romantic, secretive
SUBTEXT: SAMANTHA needs Ben’s help to restore the bird sanctuary.
REVISED
DESCRIPTION: SAMANTHA is a charming and impulsive artist who recently inherited her uncle’s neglected mansion.
TRAITS: Adventurous, playful, charming, impulsive
SUBTEXT: SAMANTHA doesn’t have a clue how to restore the bird sanctuary, so she charms Ben and others into helping her.
CURRENT
DESCRIPTION: ROSE, Ben’s mother, is a pet supply store owner who wants to retire.
TRAITS: Loving, calm, withholding, secretive
SUBTEXT: ROSE’S business is faltering and she is withholding telling Ben.
REVISED
DESCRIPTION: ROSE, Ben’s mother, is a struggling small business owner, withholding the truth from her son.
TRAITS: Kind, generous, manipulative, withholding
SUBTEXT: ROSE pretends she’s overwhelmed and manipulates Ben into saving the family business, hoping he will take over and she can retire.
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Sandra’s QE Cycle #2 – Rewrite for Critique
LOGLINE: Tempers flare between a conniving horse owner and a distrustful horse trainer when an abandoned baby shows up.
ESSENCE: The baby brings out the worst and the best in both men. Both men’s lives are about to be changed.
SCENE: INT. RANCH HOUSE – DAY
Older worn ranch style house off a dirt road in the country on acreage with a large barn and covered horse arena. Sunny day. Quiet and peaceful.
JOHN (30’s) dark hair and slender. Tanned, weathered face makes him look much older than his age. He sits alone at a desk in his small sparsely furnished bedroom, takes a bite of a sandwich. Glances at two framed pictures on the wall: one of him younger approaching an angry wild horse rearing up on its hind legs, and one of him older with a grown horse. A blue ribbon hangs on the last picture.
The silence is suddenly broken by a noisy Harley Davidson motorcycle. John turns to look out the window towards the barn and covered horse arena, and sees a cloud of dust coming towards the house.
The Harley is ridden by helmetless, NICK, (40’s) stocky build, tough looking with red hair, who recklessly speeds around the house and parks it on the side of the house. Backdoor opens and slams shut.
A few minutes later.
NICK (O.S.): (yells) John come here …I need your help NOW..
John hurries down the hall and sees Nick in the bathroom, wearing a “Born to be Wild” t-shirt. Nick has the sink full of water, and a BABY (4-6 months), dressed in a white dress, is almost completely submerged in the water.
JOHN: Man, what are you doing? You’re going to drown that baby.
John thrusts his arms in the water and sits the baby up in the sink.
NICK: (confidently) You can do this…I need to take care of Saddie.
Nick dries his hands on a towel and dashes down the hall. Pictures of horses line the hall walls.
Baby slides down in the water.
John reaches down in the dirty water to open the drain.
JOHN: (yells) Whose baby is this?
Silence. John looks around.
JOHN: Does it have any more clothes?
No answer.
JOHN: (yells) Are there any diapers?
More silence.
John removes the dress and tosses it in the bathtub. Makes a face as he throws the dirty diaper in the garbage can. Takes a washcloth and cleans the baby up. John grabs a towel, lays the baby on top of the towel on the counter.
The baby wiggles and starts to roll off the counter. John grabs it just in time.
John takes another washcloth to use as a diaper and fastens it with tape found in the medicine cabinet. Cuts two holes in a shower cap for the legs and places it over the diaper. Wraps the baby in a bath towel, and walks down the hall to the kitchen.
Nick in the kitchen, feeds SADDIE (40) his invalid wife who is confined to a wheelchair.
JOHN: What do you want me to do with this baby?
NICK: (gruffly) I don’t care … it’s yours.
JOHN: I’m a horse trainer. I didn’t sign up for this.
NICK: I know you go where Olympus goes… you’re loyal to the horse.
JOHN: Horses can be trusted.
NICK: You should have thought of that before.
JOHN: What do you mean?
NICK: I have my hands full with the ranch and Saddie, I can’t take care of your baby too.
JOHN: It’s not my baby.
NICK: That’s not what the note says.
Nick points to a basket on the counter.
John places the baby in the basket and reads the note.
JOHN: You believe this? There’s no proof. I keep to myself.
NICK: So, are you a virgin or gay?
JOHN: No… you or someone is trying to frame me.
NICK: You were nothing but a drunk when I took you in. Maybe you don’t remember who you slept with.
John examines the note more closely.
JOHN: It looks like someone else wrote my name on this note. Saddie’s been a vegetable for five years? Maybe you weren’t faithful.
NICK: (angry) Don’t try to blame me. I’ve given you a great opportunity to work with champion horses and free room and board.
JOHN: It’s a good thing you never had children or did you drown them?
NICK: You have no… don’t you dare talk to me like that.
Nick attacks John. The baby bawls at the top of her lungs.
FADE OUT
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Sandra’s QE Cycle #2 (First Draft)
LOGLINE: Tempers flare between a conniving horse owner and a distrustful horse trainer when an abandoned baby shows up.
ESSENCE: The baby brings out the worst and the best in both men. Both men’s lives are about to be changed.
SCENE: INT. RANCH HOUSE – DAY
JOHN (30) dark hair and slender, trains horses. NICK (40’s) stocky build with red hair, owns and breeds champion horses.
John in his small stark bedroom, with a twin-size bed, nightstand and lamp, dresser, plain wooden desk and chair. Three pictures in frames on the desk: one of him younger approaching an angry wild horse rearing up on its hind legs, one of him with a colt, and one of him older with a grown horse. A blue ribbon is on the last picture.
John sits at the desk, eats a plate of food as he looks out the window at the barn and covered horse arena. Helmetless, Nick drives up on a Harley Davidson motorcycle, and parks it on the side of the house. Backdoor opens and slams shut.
A few minutes later.
NICK (O.S.)
(yells)
John come here quick…I need your help.
John hurries down the hall and sees Nick in the bathroom, wearing a “Born to be Wild” t-shirt. Nick has the sink full of water, and a BABY (4-6 months), dressed in a white dress, is almost completely submerged in the water.
JOHN
Man, what are you doing? You’re going to drown that baby.
Nick throws a towel over the baby’s face.
NICK
(confidently)
You can do this…I need to take care of Saddie.
Nick leaves. John removes the towel, sits the baby up in the sink, and opens the drain to let the water out.
JOHN
(yells)
Whose baby is this?
Silence.
JOHN
(looks around)
Does it have any more clothes?
No answer.
JOHN
(yells)
Are there any diapers?
More silence.
John takes off the dress and throws it in the bathtub. Makes a face as he throws the dirty diaper in the garbage can. Takes a washcloth and cleans the baby up. Takes another washcloth to use as a diaper and fastens it with tape found in the medicine cabinet. Cuts two holes in a shower cap for the legs and places it over the diaper. Wraps the baby in a bath towel, and walks down the hall to the kitchen.
Nick in the kitchen, feeds SADDIE (40) his invalid wife who is confined to a wheelchair.
JOHN
What do you want me to do with this baby?
NICK
(gruffly)
I don’t care … it’s yours.
JOHN
I’m a horse trainer. I didn’t sign up for this.
NICK
I know you go where Olympus goes… you’re loyal to the horse.
JOHN
Horses can be trusted.
NICK
You should have thought of that before.
JOHN
What do you mean?
NICK
I have my hands full with the ranch and Saddie, I can’t take care of your baby too.
JOHN
It’s not my baby.
NICK
That’s not what the note says.
Nick points to a basket on the counter. John places the baby in the basket and reads the note.
JOHN
There’s no proof. I keep to myself. You believe this?
NICK
So, you’re a virgin or gay?
JOHN
No… someone’s trying to frame me.
NICK
You were nothing but a drunk when I took you in. Maybe you don’t remember.
John examines the note more closely.
JOHN
It looks like someone else wrote my name on this note. Saddie’s been a vegetable for five years? Maybe you weren’t faithful.
NICK
(angry)
Don’t try to blame me. I’ve given you a great opportunity to work with champion horses and free room and board.
JOHN
It’s a good thing you never had children or did you drown them?
NICK
You have no idea… don’t you dare talk to me like that.
Nick attacks John.
FADE OUT
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Lesson 6: Sandra’s QE Cycle Rewrite Scene
INT. UPSCALE BAR – NIGHT
TRENT, 35, meticulously groomed and dressed in an expensive suit, sits at a crowded bar.
ROBERT, 35, smiles as he saunters into the noisy bar clad in wrinkled shirt and pants with messy hair. He greets a few people as he crosses the room and climbs on the stool next to Trent.
Robert speaks to the two average looking ladies next to him, and waves at the bartender.
ROBERT
Hello ladies. How are you doing tonight?
Looks like you could use another drink.
Trent grabs the bowl full of pretzels in front of the people on his right and shoves it in front of Robert. Pretzels fall out on to the bar.
Robert offers the pretzels to the ladies before helping himself.
Trent slams his fist on the bar and yells at the bartender.
TRENT
Hey, what do we have to do to get a drink?
Bartender comes over, lays napkins down in front of them, and takes their orders.
ROBERT
I heard some interesting things about Darlene.
Say, why’d you want to meet here tonight?
TRENT
Since you are my best friend, I wanted to celebrate
my engagement and ask you to be my best man.
ROBERT
Congratulations! That’s great. You’re lucky she’s such
a beautiful and classy gal. Someone like her would never
go for a guy like me. Have you set a date?
Trent
Not yet.
Bartender brings their drinks and spills a little of Trent’s on the bar. Trent wipes it up with a napkin. Tosses the crumbled-up napkin behind the bar. They clink glasses and take a sip.
Robert turns to the ladies.
ROBERT
My friend here just got engaged. Confidentially, I heard
she’s pregnant with someone else’s baby.
TRENT
So where were you last night?
Tried calling you and left several messages.
Robert shrugs, looks down and stirs his drink
ROBERT
Did you hear Darlene is running a big scam?
We should check it out.
Trent looks at his expensive watch, then glances around. Whispers in Robert’s ear.
TRENT
We need a plan, so she doesn’t catch on to us.
You got any cash on you?
ROBERT
Yeah, just got paid.
TRENT
You interested in a poker game tonight?
ROBERT
Sure.
Trent finishes his drink.
TRENT
Follow me.
Robert slugs down the rest of his drink. Pays for the drinks.
Trent swiftly strides down the hall past the restrooms with Robert ambling behind him. Robert knocks on the door marked “Employees Only”, and uses a key card to unlock the door. Motions Robert to go in first. Shoves him in the dimly lit room. Trent closes the door. Two thugs appear and beat up Robert.
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Lesson 5: Sandra’s QE Cycle #1: Write this Scene
INT. UPSCALE BAR – NIGHT
TRENT, meticulously groomed and dressed in an expensive suit, sits at a crowded bar. Next to him is ROBERT, in wrinkled shirt and pants with messy hair.
Robert turns and waves at the bartender. Speaks to the average looking ladies next to him.
ROBERT
Hello ladies. How are you doing tonight? Looks like you could use another drink.
TRENT (slams his fist on the bar and yells at the bartender)
Hey, what do we have to do to get a drink?
Bartender comes over and takes their orders.
ROBERT
I heard some interesting things about Darlene. Why’d you want to meet here tonight?
TRENT
Since you are my best friend, I wanted to celebrate my engagement and ask you to be my best man.
ROBERT
Congratulations! That’s great. You’re lucky she’s such a beautiful and classy gal. Someone like her would never go for a guy like me. Have you set a date?
Bartender brings their drinks and spills a little of Trent’s on the bar. Trent wipes it up with a napkin. Tosses the crumbled-up napkin behind the bar. They clink glasses.
TRENT
Not yet. So where were you last night? Tried calling and left messages.
ROBERT (shrugs, looks down and stirs his drink)
Did you hear Darlene is running a big scam? We should check it out.
Trent looks at his expensive watch, then glances around.
TRENT (whispers in Robert’s ear)
You interested in a poker game tonight?
ROBERT
Sure.
TRENT (finishes his drink)
Follow me.
Robert slugs down the rest of his drink. Pays for the drinks.
Trent swiftly strides down the hall past the restrooms with Robert ambling behind him. Robert knocks on the door marked “Employees Only”, and uses a key card to unlock the door. Motions Robert to go in first. Trent closes the door. Two thugs appear and beat up Robert.
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Sandra’s Max Interest Part 1
What I learned that is improving my writing is to include at least two or more maximum interest techniques in scenes to make them more interesting.
Logline: Abigail’s father and brother plot against her.
Essence of scene: This is the moment we learn about family secrets.
Interest Techniques: Betrayal, Superior Position/Dramatic Irony, Uncertainty – hope/fear, Intrigue
Scene Location: ACT TWO
EXT. BRADLEY MANSION – DAY
Edward seated at the table on the terrace. Jacket and tie on the back of his chair. Joined by his oldest son, Richard, a successful businessman dressed in a dark suit.
EDWARD
Thanks for meeting me here. I think it’s safer.
RICHARD
I can’t stay long. Got a meeting.
Richard loosens his tie. Unbuttons his top shirt button.
EDWARD
Have you heard from Abigail?
RICHARD
No. Supposedly she’s on a last minute business trip.
Edward stands and strolls over to a cart. Pours a drink and hands it to Richard. Pours one for himself. Raises his glass.
EDWARD
That was a brilliant idea son, to create a fictitious pass-through company under Ben’s name to acquire the Cromwell account.
Edward sits down. They clink glasses and take a sip.
RICHARD
Most of the sectors have been sold off and we should make a profit.
Edward all smiles.
EDWARD
Benjamin is out of rehab and working on the fundraiser for our foundation, so he’s clueless and we can keep an eye on him.
RICHARD
I have a bad feeling about this and you know I would rather be honest.
EDWARD
Do you think Abigail has any idea about our next move?
Richard frowns and shakes his head. Sighs.
RICHARD
Are you sure you want to go ahead with the plan considering the possible consequences?
Richard takes a sip of his drink.
EDWARD
That’s business. I don’t know why she’s so stubborn and difficult. Just like her mother.
RICHARD
Mom was a savvy, sophisticated, and a determined tough cookie. Abigail is like her in that respect. Tough cookies don’t crumble.
EDWARD
Find out where she is and what she’s working on now.
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Sandra Profiles People
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to create unique characters with interesting and extreme traits instead of ordinary traits, and show it through interesting actions and dialogue. Take it to the extreme.
Person 1 Traits:
Intelligent
Perfectionist
Stubborn/Hardheaded
Anxious/Fearful
Person 2 Traits:
Charming
Opinionated/Prejudiced
Naïve
Motherly/Over-bearing
Person 3 Traits:
Athletic
Impulsive
Manipulative
Explosive
Results of Testing: I currently do not have any EXTREME people in my life, so I used people from the past and recalled situations and how they reacted. In all three individuals, the traits stayed the same, and it was easy to see patterns. When they were under stress or things didn’t go their way, the negative traits would intensify even more.
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Sandra Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is how to build essence and subtext into the script from the beginning.
Script: BETTING ON IDAHO
Scene 1 Location: Act I Opening
Logline: Abigail, an ambitious New York business woman, gets ready for work.
Essence I discovered: Abigail contends with sexism personally and professionally.
New Logline: Abigail, an ambitious New York business woman, argues with her father on the phone while she gets ready for work.
Scene 2 Location: ACT I Turning Point
Logline: Abigail decides to go to Idaho to close a deal.
Essence I discovered: Abigail thinks most men are incompetent.
New Logline: In order to save her business, Abigail flies to Idaho to negotiate a deal.
Scene 3 Location: ACT II
Logline: Abigail meets with a small-town Mayor and Tribal Chief.
Essence I discovered: Abigail needs to lighten up.
New Logline: Abigail only has three days to convince the Mayor and Chief that working together is the best solution.
Scene 4 Location: ACT III
Logline: Abigail’s father has a heart attack.
Essence I discovered: Abigail realizes the importance of family over business.
New Logline: When Abigail’s father has a heart attack, she rushes back to New York to be with him.
Scene 5 Location: ACT III Ending
Logline: Abigail moves to Idaho and opens an office.
Essence I discovered: Abigail realizes she’s in love with the small-town Mayor.
New Logline: Abigail has learned to balance work and family.
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Sandra Finds the Essence
What I learned doing this assignment is how to find the essence in a scene.
Script I chose: HIDDEN FIGURES
Scene 1 Location: Opening
Logline: At grammar school, 8-year-old Katherine, a small peculiar girl, sketches geometric shapes, while her parents talk to the principal.
Essence: Katherine isn’t aware that her life is about to change.
Scene 2 Location: Page 5
Logline: Katherine (now 38) sits in the passenger seat of a broken-down car with two co-workers when a police car stops behind them, and Katherine shows him her NASA badge.
Essence: Katherine has grown into a woman working for the Space Program.
Scene 3 Location: Page 21
Logline: Katherine is the first Black woman assigned to the Space Task group, and she’s handed a trash can.
Essence: She’s a highly educated math genius, but treated like a servant.
Scene 4 Location: Page 40
Logline: Katherine’s friends introduce her to Colonel Jim Johnson at a church potluck.
Essence: As a widow with three children, Katherine isn’t looking for a man.
Scene 5 Location: Page 44
Logline: John Glenn and the Mercury 7 astronauts head to the back of the line to meet and talk to Dorothy, Katherine, and Mary.
Essence: The white NASA staff tried to by-pass the Black women.
Profound Essence Scene: Page 50
Logline: Katherine solves a problem by holding the redacted reports up to the light.
Essence: Katherine has gained her bosses support and big changes are instore.
AL HARRISON: What’s your name?
KATHERINE: Katherine Goble
AL HARRISON: Are you a spy, Katherine?
KATHERINE: Am I what?
AL HARRISON: Are you a Russian spy?
KATHERINE: No sir, I am not Russian.
RUTH: She’s not Russian, sir.
AL HARRISON: All right then, we have nothing to lose here. Let’s get her everything she needs to work on Shepard’s trajectories without redaction. Are we clear on that?
Harrison tosses the redacted documents in the trash.
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Hi Everyone,
I am Sandra Nelles and I have written 4 scripts (3 features and 1 tv pilot). From this class, I hope to double the quality of my work by increasing my ability to re-think and re-create.
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Sandra Nelles
I agree to the terms of this release form.
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Sandra’s Story Beats
What I learned doing this assignment is noticing what needed to be deleted, changed, and/or moved.
Logline: In order to save her failing business, an ambitious New York City real estate developer has three days to convince a small-town mayor and a tradition-bound Tribal Chief that working together will save the town, the tribe, and her business.
CHANGES: Combine #2 and #3. Combine #10 and #11. Delete #36-42. Reorder ACT 3 to start with the Crisis, then the Climax, and end with the Resolution.
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Sandra’s Character Profiles
What I learned doing this assignment is how to improve my characters by separating out their various parts in order to get to their core. This is a great tool and assignment!
Logline: In order to save her failing business, an ambitious New York City real estate developer has three days to convince a small-town mayor and a tradition-bound Tribal Chief that working together will save the town, the tribe, and her business.
Abigail
Role: New York City real estate developer (protagonist)
Traits: no-nonsense, workaholic, ambitious, tough, perfectionist
Flaw: Trust – afraid to be hurt
Mission/Agenda: To save her business
Character Arc: Abigail goes from being a demanding money-is-most-important business woman to being a more people-oriented and altruistic person.
Change: Tough trait to judgmental
How the change improves the character and story: The change makes her character appear a little softer and not so harsh (more likable).
Scott
Role: Small-town Mayor
Traits: Responsible, charming, suspicious, defensive, anxious
Flaw: Still grieving the death of his wife after four years
Mission/Agenda: To revitalize the town by creating year-round business that will attract tourists.
Secret: Chief White Eagle is his father-in-law
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: That he is attracted to Abigail and is falling in love with her.
Change: Defensive trait to committed and anxious trait to cautious
How the change improves the character and story: The changes will make his character more likeable and the audience will be more sympathetic if he is cautious and committed.
Chief White Eagle
Role: Tribal Chief
Traits: Self-confident, confrontational, strong, protective, persuader
Mission/Agenda: To save the dwindling tribe by creating more jobs, so more members will stay.
Secret: That he is Scott’s father-in-law and that he is secretly testing Abigail’s honesty and sincerity.
Change: Confrontational trait to assertive
How the change improves the character and story: The Chief usually confronts others in a diplomatic assertive manner and not directly confrontational. The change makes him more likable. Abigail respects the Chief as his approach is different from her father’s.
Edward
Role: Abigail’s father and successful businessman (antagonist)
Traits: Self-assured, success-oriented, driven, image-conscious, workaholic
Flaw: Fear of failure and humiliation
Secret: He is sabotaging Abigail’s business
Change: Workaholic trait to deceptive
How the change improves the character and story: Workaholic is implied with driven and success-oriented, deceptive shows what he will do to keep up his image. The change makes him less likable.
Phillip
Role: Abigail’s business partner
Traits: Easy-going, agreeable, complacent, trusting, optimistic
Flaw: Can be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting.
Want/Need: Wants everything to go smoothly without conflict. Needs to exert himself to be an active participant and not just go along with others to keep the peace.
Change: Optimistic trait to supportive
How the change improves the character and story: Phillip is the peace keeper in the office and Abigail’s support, however he is worried that the business may fail.
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Sandra’s Basic Structure Version 1
What I learned doing this assignment is to find areas in the structure that needed improvement.
Logline: In order to save her failing business, an ambitious New York City real estate developer has three days to convince a small-town mayor and a tradition-bound Tribal Chief that working together will save the town, the tribe, and her business.
Main Conflict: Abigail desperately wants to prove her worth and business skills to her father, and only has three days to save her business from bankruptcy.
Opening: As Abigail works out on her exercise bike at home, she argues with her father on the phone about an account she lost. The angrier she gets, the faster she rides and breaks the bike.
Inciting Incident: The fifth salesman fails to close a vital deal in Idaho, so Abigail fires him.
By page 10, you should know what the movie is about: Abigail will do anything to save her business and close the deal.
First Turning Point at end of Act 1: Abigail packs her bags and heads to Idaho.
Midpoint Turning Point: The small-town mayor, Scott, takes Abigail on a camping and canoeing trip to meet the Chief. The canoe tips-over and Abigail is knocked unconscious.
Second Turning Point at end of Act 2: The Chief has ever-increasing demands, including requiring Abigail move to Idaho.
Crisis: Abigail’s father has a heart attack and she must return to New York City.
Climax: Abigail discovers that the Chief is Scott’s former father-in-law, and they have been secretly testing her. A battle of words erupts, before Abigail returns to New York.
Resolution: One year later, Abigail has rebranded herself as an ecologically minded developer. Abigail and Scott are married, living in Idaho. She’s pregnant and goes into labor.
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Sandra’s Logline and One Page!
What I learned doing this assignment is how to get to the core of the story.
Title: BETTING ON IDAHO
Genre: Drama/Dramedy
Logline: In order to save her failing business, an ambitious New York City real estate developer has three days to convince a small-town mayor and a tradition-bound Tribal Chief that working together will save the town, the tribe, and her business.
Overview:
Abigail (35) is a tough, no-nonsense workaholic business woman in a male profession who has had to fight her way to the top. The opening scene shows Abigail at home working out on an exercise bike, while she argues with her father on the phone about an account she recently lost and not wanting to work for him. The angrier she gets, the faster she rides and breaks the bike. She constantly tries to prove her worth and business skills to her uncaring father. Abigail is unaware that her father has been sabotaging her business deals.
Her company needs a big deal to keep them afloat. If they don’t sign a deal soon, the major investors will pull out. After firing the fifth salesman for failing to close a vitally important deal, Abigail, packs her bags and heads to Idaho. Abigail only has three days to convince Scott, the mayor of a struggling small town, and a Tribal Chief that working together will save the town, the tribe, and her business.
However, Abigail must pass the tests the Chief and Mayor have secretly set up. Abigail and Scott have different points of view, are single and have had their hearts broken before. Neither claim to want anything more than a business relationship, but the undeniable attraction between them grows. Although decades apart, Abigail and Chief White Eagle both received MBA degrees from Harvard. She’s all business and the Chief is a more balanced prankster.
Scott takes Abigail on a camping and canoeing trip to meet the Chief in Northern Idaho. She is not comfortable roughing it in the great outdoors. She only sees the development possibilities, while Scott discusses the environmental concerns of the town and tribe. She falls out of the canoe and is unconscious. Luckily, a medicine man is near by. Abigail is okay and meets the Chief, who has ever-increasing demands, including requiring her to live in Idaho.
Before the deal is signed, Abigail’s father has a heart attack and she returns to New York. He dies a few days later. Abigail realizes she has fallen in love with the Idaho culture, scenery and mayor. She finds that money is less important than honesty and love. She goes from being a demanding money-is-most-important business woman to being a more people-oriented and altruistic person. One year later, Abigail has rebranded herself as an ecologically minded developer. She is married to Scott, living in Idaho, and pregnant.
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Hi, my name is Sandra Nelles and I have written 3 features and 1 TV pilot. From this class I hope to find a better way to complete a rewrite that I have been working on. Something unique about me is that I once sat next to a world famous violinist on a flight.
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Sandra Nelles – I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Sandra’s Dialogue Subtext
What I learned doing this lesson is how to use dialogue to cover subtext or to point to subtext, and the questions to ask to help in the process.
Version 1: Dialogue Covers Subtext
Outside a restaurant, Lucy thinks she sees her husband with another woman. Feeling betrayed she turns, and rushes back to her car.
Husband calls: Where are you?
Lucy answers: I hate your grey shirt.
Husband: Do you want me to bring you lunch?
Version 2: Dialogue Points to Subtext
Lucy walks into the living room and sneezes several times. She sees a bouquet of flowers with lilies, and quickly takes them outside to the garbage. Phones her husband assuming he sent them.
Lucy: How could you forget?
Husband: Give me a hint.
Lucy: My cousin’s wedding.
Husband: The reason we attend outdoor Easter services.
Lucy: Then you need to get a refund.
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Sandra’s Action Subtext
What I learned doing this lesson is how to incorporate subtext through action.
Version 1: Action Opposite Dialogue
INT. RESEARCH LAB – NIGHT
Professor Clark puts poison in a lab mouse test tube to sabotage Lucy’s research.
On the phone, Professor Clark: “I would like to order a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to Lucy….”
Version 2: Action Covers Something Covert
INT. RESEARCH LAB – NIGHT
Professor Clark hides the vial of poison in the lab assistant’s desk drawer. Lab assistant is being set up to poison the lab mouse.
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Sandra’s Situation Subtext
What I learned doing this assignment is how to incorporate situational subtext to make scenes more interesting, engaging, and memorable.
1. Opening Scene.
Surface: Professor Clark in the research lab putting something in a test tube and then puts vial in a desk drawer. Orders flowers.
Deeper Meaning: Professor Clark placed arsenic in a test tube so a mouse will be poisoned by the lab assistant.
Subtext: Sabotage, Deception, Superior Position.
2. Lucy alone at home in the bathroom.
Surface: Lucy getting ready to give her dissertation defense. Finds flowers in the living room.
Deeper Meaning: Lucy is allergic to the flowers. Her research has been sabotaged.
Subtext: Lucy is unaware how the flowers got in her living room and who sent them. Superior Position – audience knows Professor Clark ordered the flowers and who placed them in Lucy’s house.
3. Lucy meeting her husband for lunch.
Surface: Through the restaurant window Lucy thinks she sees her husband with another woman, feels betrayed and takes off.
Deeper Meaning: Lucy has been neglecting her husband by spending more time at the lab then at home.
Subtext: Misinterpretation.
4. Lucy returns to the lab.
Surface: Lucy finds her research assistant unconscious.
Deeper Meaning: Was this an attempted suicide or attempted murder?
Subtext: Lab assistant can’t say what happened.
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Sandra’s Character Subtext
What I learned doing this assignment is to examine each lead characters inner world and secrets (wound, secret identity, hidden agenda, and secret relationships) to determine their subtext.
Lucy
Character Surface: Ph.D. student, wife, daughter, sister, maybe soon to be mother. Wound – doesn’t know who her father is.
Character Subtext: Ironic – she analyzes data as a researcher, however jumps to conclusions in human relationships.
Professor Clark
Character Surface: University professor and researcher.
Character Subtext: Ironic – sabotages Lucy’s research, attempted to kill the research assistant and make it look like a suicide, previously killed a student.
Research Assistant
Character Surface: University student and research assistant.
Character Subtext: Ironic – undercover informant.
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Sandra’s Environmental Subtext
What I learned doing this assignment is how to use subtext environments to give characters and the story more depth.
Subtext Environment 1: University Research Lab. This is where Lucy, a Ph.D. student, has been spending most of her time the last few years. She spends more time here than at home, and as a result her marriage and family relationships are suffering.
Deeper Meaning:
· Lucy has been more focused on her education and career than her family.
· Lucy sees Professor Clark as a father figure (father she never had).
· The lab is where Lucy discovers her lab mice are being poisoned and her research sabotaged.
· The lab is where Lucy finds her unconscious research assistant. Attempted suicide or murder?
· The lab is where Lucy uncovers Professor Clark’s hidden identity and betrayal.
Subtext Environment 2: Lucy’s Car. Lucy’s car is a mess inside and out. The opposite of the pristine research lab. She ran over a sign, a tire was slashed, the car was sideswiped, and now in a blinding storm she was rear-ended and forced into a ditch filling with water. Trapped in her car, Lucy cannot run away or hide from her fears and has to face her family situation.
Deeper Meaning:
· The stormy weather reflects Lucy’s inner and outer emotional state.
· Lucy is forced to slow down, stop and reflect on what is important, what she values, and how her actions and behaviors have impacted others.
· In this contained setting, Lucy has time to think and look at things differently, to examine situations and not jump to conclusions.
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Sandra’s Plot Subtext
What I learned doing this assignment is to ask questions to discover the surface, major twist, and deeper meaning of subtext on the plot level.
Surface: On the day of her dissertation, a Ph.D. student discovers a dead lab mouse.
Major Twist: Her professor poisoned the mouse and has been sabotaging her research.
Deeper Meaning: Not knowing her professor has a sinister hidden identity.
Concept: A Ph.D. student discovers a dead lab mouse, not knowing that her professor has a sinister hidden identity and he has been sabotaging her research.
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Sandra Chronological Edit
What I learned doing this assignment is how to improve the flow, clarity, description, and dialogue. I had moved scenes around previously, so the flow and clarity were already good. Most of the improvements were in the descriptions and dialogue. Also, I included a few notes for the next edit.
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Sandra Solved Scene Problems
What I learned doing this assignment is how to make scenes stronger by focusing on interest techniques, raising the stakes, increasing the conflict, and strengthening the scene arc.
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Sandra Solved Character Problems
What I learned doing this assignment is that I didn’t have the lead characters in as many scenes as I thought until I actually counted the scenes, and found out they were in 80% not 90%. I added more scenes to Act 3 with the lead characters and also included the leads in other scenes. I felt the antagonist was weak, so I added more scenes showing him lying and covering up. This was a great lesson!
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Sandra Solved Structural Problems
What I learned doing this assignment is the structure questions really helped to point out where there were any possible structure problems.
THE STRUCTURE QUESTIONS
Act 1:
Opening/Old Ways: Is this an engaging opening scene that lures us into the story? Is the lead character clearly living in a pre-transformation mode? Do the “Old Ways” show up in their behavior and dialogue?
The antagonist, Professor Clark, is introduced in the research lab at night putting something in a test tube and then hiding the vial in a desk drawer.
The protagonist, Lucy, is introduced stepping out of the shower and practicing her dissertation defense in the mirror. She hears a noise and finds flowers in the living room. She is not sure who sent them. Her Old Ways: fearful and timid Ph.D. student, jumps to conclusions, honest and naïve, workaholic.
Inciting Incident: How does this incident invite and propel us into the journey?
Lucy finds a dead research mouse in her lab, and is determined to find out what happened. This incident could change her research and discount her dissertation.
Turning Point: How is this Turning Point a twist that locks us into the journey with “no going back?”
Lucy performs an autopsy and discovers the mouse was poisoned with arsenic. She’s obsessed with finding out why.
Act 2:
New Plan: What new plan did the protagonist create to deal with the Act 1 Turning Point?
Lucy jumps to conclusions, plans to confront her research assistant and find out why she is poisoning the mice.
Plan in action: How does the protagonist take action on that plan?
When Lucy confronts the research assistant, the research assistant denies poisoning the mice, finds an unknown vial in her drawer, and believes she’s being set up by Professor Clark who has a hidden identity.
Midpoint Turning Point: How does the Midpoint change the meaning, creating a reveal that changes everything while keeping us on the same journey?
Lucy receives a phone call from her brother that her mother is in the hospital, and wants Lucy to come home. Lucy’s mother has been hiding the identity of Lucy’s father. Lucy hopes to finally uncover the family secret.
Act 3:
React/Rethink: What is revealed to the protagonist from the Midpoint? How do they react or rethink things?
Lucy is shocked to think Professor Clark may be sabotaging her work. She is also shocked when she hears the news of her mother.
Dilemma: What emotional dilemma requires the protagonist to choose between two alternatives, losing something with either choice?
Lucy faces the biggest dilemma of her life. She must make a choice between career or family.
New Plan: What new plan did the protagonist create to deal with this new level of conflict?
Lucy decides to put her family first and go see her mother.
Turning Point: The lowest of the low. How has this Turning Point brought the character to the lowest of lows, making it almost impossible for them to win in a normal way? This forces them to adopt the change in a much bigger way.
Lucy is unaware of a huge approaching storm. It rains harder and harder and she can barely see the road. She’s rear-ended by a black truck that has been following her, sending her car into the ditch.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict: How is this the ultimate expression of the conflict? How does it require a “fight to the death,” either literally or symbolically?
Professor Clark hired someone to follow Lucy and run her off the road, so she wouldn’t be able to give her dissertation. Lucy is not sure she will survive.
Resolution: How does this resolution represent the “New Ways” and bring this story to a fitting conclusion?
The rain lets up and Lucy survives. Lucy sees her mother, and discovers the family secret. Her mother gets better.
New Ways: What are the New Ways and do they clearly show up in your lead character’s Act 4 behavior and dialogue?
New Ways: Lucy is empowered, courageous, places her family first, and thinks things through (examines situations).
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Sandra’s Act 4 Filled In Missing Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is how to fill in missing scenes in the outline, and to use placeholders when I’m not sure. I added several placeholders to Act 4.
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Sandra’s Act 4 Resolution
What I learned doing this assignment is that the Resolution is about showing the protagonist living their new life.
RESOLUTION: The storm lets up, then stops. Lucy crawls out of the sunroof. Her husband drives up and picks her up. She’s safe. Professor Clark disappears.
1 Year Later
Family is together to celebrate grandma’s birthday. Lucy holds a baby. Ph.D. diploma hangs on the wall. Lucy is calm, confident, and more balanced. She’s working part time and living her new ways.
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Sandra’s Act 4 Climax
What I learned doing this assignment is that there are four parts to the Climax. I have three out of four, so need to add the missing part.
CLIMAX: Lucy is not sure she will survive. She knows she probably won’t be able to get back in time to present her dissertation, and may not be able to see her mother. She calls her husband and leaves a voicemail message with her location and situation, she loves him, and to please sent a tow truck. Next, she calls her brother and asks to speak to her mother. They have a short conversation and Lucy tells her mother how much she loves her. Lucy has embraced the new ways by being empowered, courageous, examining the situation, and thinking of various solutions. The test for Lucy is putting family before her career. Up until now, Lucy has put her career and education before her family. Putting her family before her dissertation shows she has changed.
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Sandra’s Act 4 First Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is how to show the protagonist’s reaction when she is forced to face her biggest dilemma.
ACT 3 DILEMMA: Lucy is nervous about presenting her dissertation defense in order to graduate. She just discovered that Professor Clark may be the one sabotaging her work. Now her mother is critically ill in the hospital. Lucy faces the biggest dilemma of her life. She must make a choice between career or family.
3<sup>rd</sup> ACT TURNING POINT: Lucy has been too busy to listen to the weather report and has no idea that a huge storm is approaching. It rains harder and harder. She can barely see the road. If the wind and rain aren’t bad enough, she’s rear-ended by the big black monster truck that has been following her, sending her car into the ditch.
REACTION: Lucy is shocked. Goes into panic mode. Not sure what to do. She tries to open the doors with no success. Bangs on the doors. She’s trapped and can’t get out. She begins crying and then praying. Takes her cell phone out.
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Sandra’s Completed Act 3
What I learned doing this assignment is that by moving scenes around to complete Act 2, I didn’t have enough scenes for Act 3 and needed to create more scenes and placeholders.
3<sup>rd</sup> ACT SCENES
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: Lucy questioned by a police officer.
INT. UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL – DAY
BEGINNING: Ambulance arrives and the research assistant is rushed to the emergency room.
MIDDLE: Nurses and doctors rush in and hook up machines. Blood and other tests are run.
END: EMT’s leave.
INT. HUSBAND’S WORK – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: TBD
INT. PROFESSOR CLARK’S OFFICE – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: TBD
INT. ANOTHER HOSPITAL – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy’s mother in ICU hooked up to monitors.
MIDDLE: Nurses and doctor examine her.
END: Lucy’s brother and sister sit in the waiting room.
INT. LUCY’S HOUSE – DAY
BEGINNING: Husband straightens up the house, sweeps the floor, etc.
MIDDLE: He decorates the house with “Congratulations” banner, balloons, cake, etc.
END: Husband installs dead bolts on the front and back doors.
EXT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: TBD (big black truck)
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Sandra’s Act 3 Turning Point
What I learned doing this assignment is that the Act 3 Turning Point is the protagonist’s lowest low and where they embrace the new ways.
3<sup>rd</sup> ACT TURNING POINT: Lucy has been too busy to listen to the weather report and has no idea that a huge storm is approaching. If the wind and rain aren’t bad enough, she’s rear-ended sending her car into the ditch where she’s trapped and can’t get out.
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Sandra’s ACT 3 Middle Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is to create more tension (hope/fear) by having the protagonist experience some success with the new plan, which sets them up for more failure.
MAKES A NEW PLAN: Lucy plans to see her mother, uncover the family secret, and rush back to defend her dissertation.
THINGS GO WELL UNTIL…: It starts to rain harder and harder. Lucy’s car is rear ended and pushed into the ditch.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy receives a phone call that her assistant will live.
MIDDLE: Lucy found her in time and saved her life.
END: Lucy tells Professor Clark she’s going to see her mother and will be back by 4 pm.
INT. LUCY’S CAR – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy checks her GPS and sees the freeway is still backed-up.
MIDDLE: She takes a rural back road. It starts to rain.
END: Rains harder and harder. She can barely see the road. Her car is hit from behind by the black monster truck, and her car careens into the ditch. Passenger side up against a fence.
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Sandra’s ACT 3 Reaction to Midpoint
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create character insights and growth into the transformational journey by having the protagonist experience a reaction/rethink experience.
MIDPOINT: Lucy receives a phone call from her brother that her mother is in the hospital and may not live. Mother requests that Lucy come home. What secret has Lucy’s mother been keeping?
REACTION/RETHINK: Lucy is nervous about presenting her dissertation defense in order to graduate. She just discovered that Professor Clark may be the one sabotaging her work. Now her mother is critically ill in the hospital. Lucy faces the biggest dilemma of her life. She must make a choice between career or family.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy is shocked when she hears the news about her mother.
MIDDLE: She begins crying. Not sure what to do. Lucy hopes her mother will finally tell her who her father is.
END: Lucy decides to put family first.
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Sandra’s Completed ACT 2 Draft 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that in order for the scenes to flow together, I needed to move scenes around, and include new scenes to fill in the gaps. This is a great class! I am having breakthroughs with each lesson!
ACT II
INT.UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy tells Professor Clark about the poisoned mouse.
MIDDLE: He thinks it’s the lab assistant.
END: He will have the assistant expelled.
INT.UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: Professor Clark in a large research lab with other students.
INT. HUSBAND’S OFFICE – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: Husband at work.
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR – RESTAURANT – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy drives her car down a street, and pulls into a restaurant parking lot. Lucy looks forward to having lunch with her husband. She parks. Slings her purse over her shoulder. Opens the door. Steps out.
MIDDLE: As Lucy walks across the parking lot, she is almost hit by a big black monster pickup truck. Lucy walks towards the restaurant main door. She stops. Through the window Lucy thinks she sees her husband holding hands with another woman. Lucy jumps to conclusions and thinks her husband is cheating on her and feels betrayed. However, it’s not her husband, it’s someone who resembles him.
END: Upset, Lucy turns around and storms back to her car. Clicks the door unlock button on her key fob and opens the driver side door. Throws her bag on the passenger seat. Bag tips over. Home pregnancy kit, ancestry kit and other items fall out. She slides in. Slams the door shut.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: Professor Clark on the phone with someone.
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy grips the steering wheel with both hands. Leans her forehead on the wheel. Swears. She speeds off back to the university lab, knocking over a sign. Lucy gets on the freeway and is caught in traffic – accident or construction. At a standstill.
MIDDLE: Her husband calls when Lucy doesn’t show up. They argue. Says he wasn’t sitting near the window. She doesn’t believe him.
END: She believes him when she sees he’s wearing a blue shirt not a grey one (Face Time).
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR – SIDE ROAD – DAY
BEGINNING: She maneuvers the car to get off on a side road. Lucy has a flat tire. Pulls off to the side of the road. Heavy traffic. Black pickup truck side swipes her driver side door.
MIDDLE: She finds the spare tire and jack. Reads the instructions. Gives herself a pep talk. Changes the tire. Tire was slashed. Lucy wonders who’s following her and why.
END: She drops the tire and injures her foot. Limps to the passenger side door, climbs in.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy returns to the lab.
MIDDLE: Finds the assistant unconscious. Calls 911, security, Professor Clark.
END: Professor Clark thinks it is a suicide.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy finds a flash drive in her bag.
MIDDLE: Reviews articles and background information on Professor Clark.
END: Discovers Professor Clark has a hidden identity. Calls her husband for a favor.
EXT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy meets her husband in the parking lot. He brings takeout food.
MIDDLE: Lucy slips him the flash drive to put in their safety deposit box.
END: He forgets.
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Sandra’s ACT 2 TP Midpoint
What I learned doing this assignment is how the Midpoint changes the meaning of the journey. What the protagonist thought was important isn’t.
Same Journey: Even though Lucy discovers who is betraying her, she is on the journey to present her dissertation defense and graduate.
Different Meaning: But now she is torn between career and family.
BEGINNING: Lucy receives a phone call from her brother requesting that she come home.
MIDDLE: Her mother is in the hospital and may not live. Lucy faces the biggest dilemma of her life.
END: Lucy’s mother has been keeping a secret and Lucy hopes to find out who her father is before it’s too late.
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Sandra’s ACT 2 Middle Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is how to really focus on the plan, and how the protagonist’s old ways fail and makes the situation worse.
After Lucy finds a dead lab mouse and discovers it was poisoned, she jumps to conclusions and assumes it was her lab assistant.
The plan is for Lucy to confront her lab assistant and find out why she is poisoning the mice.
Key Scene 2: Protagonist takes on a plan and executes it.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Research assistant returns from class, acting anxious, distracted, and nervous.
MIDDLE: Lucy confronts the assistant about poisoning the mice.
END: Assistant denies poisoning the mice. She doesn’t have a motive.
Key Scene 3: Not only does their plan fail, but…
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Assistant finds the vial and eye dropper hidden in a baggy in her drawer.
MIDDLE: Lucy tests the vial. It tests positive for arsenic.
END: Assistant believes she’s being set up. Assistant tries to warn Lucy about Professor Clark, he’s not who he says he is. Shows Lucy an article of a professor who killed a student and disappeared.
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Sandra’s ACT 2 Reaction to TP 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that by moving the reaction scene to the beginning of Act 2, I need to move other scenes around.
INCITING INCIDENT: Lucy finds another dead lab mouse.
TURNING POINT 1: What happened to the lab mouse? Lucy does an autopsy. The mouse was poisoned with arsenic.
EMOTIONAL REACTION SCENE
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy sits at the desk, places her head on her arms, sobs. Looks up, wipes away her tears.
MIDDLE: Thinks her life is over. Everything she’s worked so hard for is ruined. Not sure how she will be able to do her dissertation today. Blames and berates herself for not testing the previous dead mice for poison. Swears. Kicks the garbage can.
END: Lucy picks up her phone, then puts it down. Checks the other mice – they are all okay. Checks the data. Paces the room deciding what to do. Declares she is will find out who did it and why.
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Sandra’s Finished Act I
What I learned doing this outline is that even when I eventually add dialogue, I still won’t have enough scenes for Act 1, so I added some placeholders and may need more.
INCITING INCIDENT: Lucy finds another dead lab mouse.
TURNING POINT 1: What happened to the lab mouse? Lucy does an autopsy. The mouse was poisoned with arsenic.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – NIGHT
BEGINNING: Wearing gloves and using an eyedropper, PROFESSOR CLARK, 50’s, brilliant, balding, paunchy, puts a few drops from an unmarked vial into vial TM1 (test mouse 1).
MIDDLE: Vial and eye dropper put in a baggy and hides in the research assistant’s desk drawer.
END: Using a distorted voice, orders flowers to be delivered. He leaves.
INT./EXT. LUCY’S HOUSE – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: Man exits a black truck carrying a bouquet of flowers. Unlocks the front door. Places them on the living room coffee table. Exits, shuts the door.
INT. LUCY’S HOUSE – DAY
BEGINNING: LUCY, a 30-year-old, married, Ph.D. student, stands in a steamy bathroom. Wearing a robe and towel wrapped around her hair. Cracks the door open to let out the steam. Rehearses her dissertation defense as she looks in the mirror and applies makeup.
MIDDLE: She hears a noise. Calls out to see who’s there. Perfectly quiet. Opens the door further and cautiously goes into the living room. Anxiously, looks around. Sneezes. She examines a bouquet of flowers on the coffee table – no note. Perplexed, wonders who sent them and how they got there. Checks the front door and locks it. Takes the flowers to the garbage can outside.
END: She heads into the bedroom and finds a “You Can Do It!” card on the bed pillow from her husband.
INT. HUSBAND’S OFFICE – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: Lucy calls her husband. He has no idea how they got there.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: Research assistant feeds the mice.
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: Lucy drives to the dry cleaners – picks up her dress. Hangs it in the car. Drives to University.
INT. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM – DAY
PLACEHOLDER: Lucy attends class. Professor Clark teaches a class.
INT. UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR CLARKS OFFICE – DAY
BEGINNING: Professor Clark, on the phone with a pharmaceutical company explaining how promising the early trials are for the big research project he is working on. He hangs up. Lucy waits patiently.
MIDDLE: Professor Clark describes how grants fund their research. Lucy needs funding to test her dissertation project on humans. Professor Clark suggests maybe they could work together on his project when she graduates.
END: Professor Clark stands, walks around his desk, massages Lucy’s shoulders. Lucy feels uncomfortable, makes excuses, gathers her bag, heads towards the lab.
INCITING INCIDENT SCENE
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy enters the lab. Note on the desk to Lucy from her assistant reads, “Fed the mice. Will be back later after class.”
MIDDLE: Lucy looks at the mice in their cages. Notices TM1 isn’t moving. She pokes him with a pencil – he doesn’t move. She puts on gloves, takes him out. He still doesn’t move. She places a mirror near his mouth – no breath. She can’t believe it. Third dead lab mouse this month.
END: Lucy’s afraid how this will affect her dissertation and she won’t graduate.
EMOTIONAL REACTION SCENE
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy sits at the desk, places her head on her arms, sobs. Looks up, wipes away her tears.
MIDDLE: Thinks her life is over. Everything she’s worked so hard for is ruined. Not sure how she will be able to do her dissertation today. Blames and berates herself.
END: Lucy picks up her phone, then puts it down. Checks the other mice – they are all okay. Checks the data. Paces the room deciding what to do.
ACT 1 TURNING POINT SCENE
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy decides to do an autopsy. Discovers the mouse was poisoned. She doesn’t believe the results, so she runs them again. Results are positive for arsenic again.
MIDDLE: Furious, Lucy swears. Kicks the garbage can. Berates herself for not testing the previous dead mice for poison.
END: Lucy declares she’s going to find out who did this and why. Whoever it is, they won’t get away with it. She jumps to conclusions and thinks it must be her lab assistant.
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Sandra’s Turning Point 1
What I learned doing this assignment is how to make the first turning point stronger, so that it locks the protagonist into the journey and main conflict with a point of no return.
INCITING INCIDENT: Lucy finds another dead lab mouse.
TURNING POINT 1: What happened to the lab mouse? Lucy does an autopsy. The mouse was poisoned with arsenic.
ACT 1 TURNING POINT SCENE
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy decides to do an autopsy. Discovers the mouse was poisoned. She doesn’t believe the results, so she runs them again. Results are positive for arsenic again.
MIDDLE: Furious, Lucy swears. Kicks the garbage can. Berates herself for not testing the previous dead mice for poison.
END: Lucy declares she’s going to find out who did this and why. Whoever it is, they won’t get away with it. She jumps to conclusions and thinks it must be her lab assistant.
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Sandra’s Inciting Incident
What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of including the protagonist’s emotional reaction to the Inciting Incident. Great lesson!
INT. UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR CLARKS OFFICE – DAY
BEGINNING: Professor Clark, on the phone with a pharmaceutical company explaining how promising the early trials are for the big research project he is working on. He hangs up. Lucy waits patiently.
MIDDLE: Professor Clark describes how grants fund their research. Lucy needs funding to test her dissertation project on humans. Professor Clark suggests maybe they could work together on his project when she graduates.
END: Professor Clark stands, walks around his desk, massages Lucy’s shoulders. Lucy feels uncomfortable, makes excuses, gathers her bag, heads towards the lab.
INCITING INCIDENT SCENE
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy enters the lab. Note on the desk to Lucy from her assistant reads, “Fed the mice. Will be back later after class.”
MIDDLE: Lucy looks at the mice in their cages. Notices TM1 isn’t moving. She pokes him with a pencil – he doesn’t move. She puts on gloves, takes him out. He still doesn’t move. She places a mirror near his mouth – no breath. She can’t believe it. Third dead lab mouse this month.
END: Lucy’s afraid how this will affect her dissertation and she won’t graduate.
EMOTIONAL REACTION SCENE
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
BEGINNING: Lucy sits at the desk, places her head on her arms, sobs. Looks up, wipes away her tears.
MIDDLE: Thinks her life is over. Everything she’s worked so hard for is ruined. Not sure how she will be able to do her dissertation today. Blames and berates herself.
END: Lucy picks up her phone, then puts it down. Checks the other mice – they are all okay. Checks the data. Paces the room deciding what to do.
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Sandra’s ACT I: Opening Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is how to outline the opening scenes by including a beginning, middle, and end, and to introduce the lead characters in action.
ACT I – OPENING SCENES
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – NIGHT
BEGINNING: Wearing gloves and using an eyedropper, PROFESSOR CLARK, 50’s, brilliant, balding, paunchy, puts a few drops from an unmarked vial into vial TM1 (test mouse 1).
MIDDLE: Vial and eye dropper put in a baggy and hides in the research assistant’s desk drawer.
END: Using a distorted voice, orders flowers to be delivered. He leaves.
INT. LUCY’S HOUSE – DAY
BEGINNING: LUCY, a 30-year-old, married, Ph.D. student, stands in a steamy bathroom. Wearing a robe and towel wrapped around her hair. Cracks the door open to let out the steam. Rehearses her dissertation defense as she looks in the mirror and applies makeup.
MIDDLE: She hears a noise. Calls out to see who’s there. Perfectly quiet. Opens the door further and cautiously goes into the living room. Anxiously, looks around. She examines a bouquet of flowers on the coffee table – no note. Perplexed, wonders who sent them and how they got there. Checks the front door and locks it.
END: She heads into the bedroom and finds a “You Can Do It!” card on the bed pillow from her husband.
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Sandra’s Beat Sheet Draft 2
What I learned doing this assignment is how to incorporate the theme of perseverance, and the antagonist’s journey throughout the beat sheet. This was a great lesson!
Genre: Thriller.
Concept: A Ph.D. student discovers the sinister identity of her professor who has been sabotaging her research.
ACT I
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – NIGHT
(OPENING): Using an eyedropper, someone puts a few drops from an unmarked vial into vial TM1 (test mouse 1). Vial and eye dropper put in a baggy and hides in the assistant’s desk drawer. Distorted voice on a cellphone orders flowers to be delivered.
INT. LUCY’S HOUSE – DAY
LUCY, a 30-year-old, married, Ph.D. student, stands in a steamy bathroom. Wearing a robe and towel wrapped around her hair. Cracks the door open to let out the steam. Rehearses her dissertation defense as she looks in the mirror and applies makeup. Hears a noise. Opens the door further and goes into the living room. She examines a bouquet of flowers on the coffee table – no note. She heads into the bedroom and finds a “You Can Do It!” card on the bed pillow from her husband.
EXT./INT. LUCY’S CAR – DAY
Lucy gets in her car and drives away. Parks at the University and strolls into a building.
INT. UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR CLARKS OFFICE – DAY
Door closed, PROFESSOR CLARK, 50’s, brilliant, balding, paunchy, on the phone with a pharmaceutical company. What is Professor Clark hiding? He hangs up.
Lucy knocks on his door. He tells her to enter. They discuss her dissertation. Professor Clark gets close to Lucy, makes advances. Lucy feels uncomfortable, gathers her bag, heads towards the lab.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
Lucy enters the lab. Note on the lab desk to Lucy from her assistant reads, “Fed the mice. Will be back later after class.”
(INCITING INCIDENT): Lucy finds another dead lab mouse. She can’t believe it.
(TURNING POINT 1): What happened to the lab mouse? Lucy does an autopsy. The mouse was poisoned with arsenic.
TE 1 – Who would poison the lab mouse? Lucy assumes it was her research assistant.
ACT II
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR – DAY
(NEW PLAN): Lucy drives her car down a street, and pulls into a restaurant parking lot to have lunch with her husband. She parks. Slings her purse over her shoulder. Opens the door. Steps out.
EXT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Lucy looks forward to having lunch with her husband. Unknown to Lucy, Professor Clark has hired a thug to watch/stalk and scare her as he plans to sabotage Lucy’s research project for nefarious reasons. As Lucy walks across the parking lot, she is almost hit by a big black monster pickup truck.
Lucy walks towards the restaurant main door. She stops. Through the window Lucy thinks she sees her husband holding hands with another woman.
TE 2: Lucy jumps to conclusions and thinks her husband is cheating on her and feels betrayed. However, it’s not her husband, it’s someone who resembles him.
Upset, Lucy turns around and storms back to her car. Clicks the door unlock button on her key fob and opens the driver side door. Throws her bag on the passenger seat. Bag tips over. Home pregnancy kit, ancestry kit and other items fall out. She slides in. Slams the door shut.
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR – DAY
(PLAN OF ACTION): Lucy grips the steering wheel with both hands. Leans her forehead on the wheel. Swears. She speeds off back to the university lab, knocking over a sign. Lucy is caught in traffic – accident or construction. At a standstill.
Her husband calls when Lucy doesn’t show up. They argue. Says he wasn’t sitting near the window. She doesn’t believe him. She believes him when she sees he’s wearing a blue shirt not a grey one (Face Time). She maneuvers the car to get off on a side road.
TE 3: Lucy has a flat tire. Pulls off to the side of the road. Heavy traffic. Black pickup truck side swipes her driver side door. She finds the spare tire and jack. Reads the instructions. Gives herself a pep talk. Changes the tire. Tire was slashed. Lucy wonders who’s following her and why.
She drops the tire and injures her foot. Limps to the passenger side door, climbs in.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
Assistant returns from class, acting anxious, distracted, and nervous.
TE 4: Lucy confronts her. Assistant swears she didn’t poison the mouse. Assistant uncovers the vial and eye dropper in a baggy in her desk drawer. Assistant warns Lucy about Professor Clark, he’s not who he says he is. Shows Lucy an article and hands her a flash drive.
(MIDPOINT): Lucy receives a phone call from her brother that her mother is in the hospital and may not live. Mother requests Lucy to come home. What secret has Lucy’s mother been keeping?
ACT III
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
Lucy looks at the flash drive regarding Professor Clark’s background. She wonders if his credentials are fraudulent. Lucy reviews news articles about a Professor Clark Thompson at another school who killed a student. She’s shocked. A lie is uncovered, and a secret identity uncovered. Lucy discovers that Professor Clark is really Clark Thompson and wanted by the FBI. She wonders about his next victim.
INT. UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR CLARKS OFFICE – DAY
(RETHINK EVERYTHING): Lucy reports the mouse incident and her mother’s situation to Professor Clark. How will this impact her dissertation? Professor Clark lies, deceives, and manipulates. Professor Clark suspects the assistant and will have her expelled. The worst thing possible happens, Professor Clark threatens Lucy with loss of her job/career if she leaves to see her dying mother. Lucy desperately wants to see her mother and thinks she will finally find out who her father is after all these years.
Lucy’s dilemma is whether to visit her dying mother or give her dissertation?
EXT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
Lucy’s husband pulls up outside the lab. Lucy bends over to kiss him and slips the flash drive into his pocket. She asks her husband to put the flash drive in the safety deposit box. Husband promises, but forgets to go to the bank before it closes.
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR -DAY
(NEW PLAN): Lucy puts family first and drives on a rural road to see her mother.
TE 5: Unexpected strong storm. It rains harder and harder.
(TURNING POINT 2): Lucy’s car is rear ended and then pushed into a ditch by the black monster pickup. Who ran her off the road and why?
ACT IV
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR -DAY
It just got more dangerous. Ditch fills with water. Car filling with water. She’s trapped.
TE 6: Lucy’s afraid she won’t survive.
(FINAL PLAN): Lucy calls her family and friends.
Lucy calls her husband to tell him where she is and that she loves him if she doesn’t survive. Tells him she may be pregnant. He’s thrilled. She realizes she can have it all (career and family) on her terms.
Next, she calls her brother. Begs him to let her talk to her mother as she’s caught in a storm.
(CLIMAX/ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF THE CONFLICT): Lucy knows she won’t be able to present her dissertation. Maybe she can do it another time or start over. Talks to her mother on the phone.
TE 7: Lucy finds out who she thought was her mother is really her grandmother, her sister is her biological mother, and her father is unknown.
(RESOLUTION): The storm lets up, then stops. Sunshine peeks out of the clouds. Lucy slides the sunroof open. Surveys the landscape – corn crops are flattened. She gathers everything into her bag. She crawls out of the sun roof. Lucy’s husband finds her. He drives up and offers her a ride. They embrace and kiss. University lost power. Dissertations postponed.
PLACEHOLDER: What happens to Professor Clark? Will he be arrested or disappear?
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Sandra’s High Speed Beat Sheet
What I learned doing this assignment is that the highspeed writing rules and creating the beat sheet in three passes made this lesson a lot easier. Also, knowing that the quality of a first draft is 20%, takes off the pressure to have all the answers and have everything right.
Genre: Thriller.
Concept: A Ph.D. student discovers the sinister identity of her professor who has been sabotaging her research.
ACT I
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – NIGHT
(OPENING): Using an eyedropper, someone puts a few drops from an unmarked vial into vial TM1 (test mouse 1). Vial and eye dropper put in a baggy and hides in the assistant’s desk drawer. Distorted voice on a cellphone orders flowers to be delivered.
INT. LUCY’S HOUSE – DAY
LUCY, a 30-year-old, married, Ph.D. student, stands in a steamy bathroom. Wearing a robe and towel wrapped around her hair. Cracks the door open to let out the steam. Rehearses her dissertation defense as she looks in the mirror and applies makeup. Hears a noise. Opens the door further and goes into the living room. She examines a bouquet of flowers on the coffee table – no note.
EXT./INT. LUCY’S CAR – DAY
Lucy gets in her car and drives away. Parks at the University and strolls into a building.
INT. UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR CLARKS OFFICE – DAY
Door closed, PROFESSOR CLARK, 50’s, brilliant, balding, paunchy, on the phone with a pharmaceutical company. What is Professor Clark hiding? He hangs up.
Lucy knocks on his door. He tells her to enter. They discuss her dissertation. Professor Clark gets close to Lucy, makes advances. Lucy goes to the lab.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
Lucy enters the lab. Note on the lab desk to Lucy from her assistant reads, “Fed the mice. Will be back later after class.”
(INCITING INCIDENT): Lucy finds a dead lab mouse.
(TURNING POINT 1): What happened to the lab mouse? Lucy does an autopsy. The mouse was poisoned with arsenic.
TE 1 – Who would poison the lab mouse? Lucy assumes it was her research assistant.
ACT II
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR – DAY
(NEW PLAN): Lucy drives her car down a street, and pulls into a restaurant parking lot to have lunch with her husband. She parks. Slings her purse over her shoulder. Opens the door. Steps out.
EXT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Lucy looks forward to having lunch with her husband. Unknown to Lucy, someone has hired a thug to watch/stalk and scare her as he plans to sabotage Lucy’s research project for nefarious reasons. As Lucy walks across the parking lot, she is almost hit by a big black monster pickup truck.
Lucy walks towards the restaurant main door. She stops. Through the window Lucy thinks she sees her husband holding hands with another woman.
TE 2: Lucy jumps to conclusions and thinks her husband is cheating on her and feels betrayed. However, it’s not her husband, it’s someone who resembles him.
Upset, Lucy turns around and storms back to her car. Clicks the door unlock button on her key fob and opens the driver side door. Throws her bag on the passenger seat. Bag tips over. Home pregnancy kit, ancestry kit and other items fall out. She slides in. Slams the door shut.
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR – DAY
(PLAN OF ACTION): Lucy grips the steering wheel with both hands. Leans her forehead on the wheel. Swears. She speeds off back to the university lab, knocking over a sign. Lucy is caught in traffic – accident or construction. At a standstill.
Her husband calls when Lucy doesn’t show up. They argue. Says he wasn’t sitting near the window. She doesn’t believe him. She believes him when she sees he’s wearing a blue shirt not a grey one (Face Time). She maneuvers the car to get off on a side road.
TE 3: Lucy has a flat tire. Pulls off to the side of the road. Heavy traffic. Black pickup truck side swipes her driver side door. She finds the spare tire and jack. Changes the tire. Tire was slashed. Lucy wonders who’s following her and why.
She drops the tire and injures her foot. Limps to the passenger side door, climbs in.
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
Assistant returns from class, acting anxious, distracted, and nervous.
TE 4: Lucy confronts her. Assistant swears she didn’t poison the mouse. Assistant uncovers the vial and eye dropper in a baggy in her desk drawer. Assistant warns Lucy about Professor Clark, he’s not who he says he is. Shows Lucy an article and hands her a flash drive.
(MIDPOINT): Lucy receives a phone call from her brother that her mother is in the hospital and may not live. Mother requests Lucy to come home. What secret has Lucy’s mother been keeping?
ACT III
INT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
Lucy looks at the flash drive regarding Professor Clark’s background. She wonders if his credentials are fraudulent. Lucy reviews a news article about a Professor Clark Thompson at another school who killed a student. A lie is uncovered, and a secret identity uncovered. Lucy discovers that Professor Clark is really Clark Thompson and wanted by the FBI. She wonders who will his next victim be?
INT. UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR CLARKS OFFICE – DAY
(RETHINK EVERYTHING): Lucy reports the incident and her mother’s situation to Professor Clark. How will this impact her dissertation? Professor Clark lies, deceives, and manipulates. Professor Clark suspects the assistant and will have her expelled. The worst thing possible happens, Professor Clark threatens Lucy with loss of her job/career if she leaves to see her dying mother. Lucy desperately wants to see her mother and thinks she will finally find out who her father is after all these years.
Lucy’s dilemma is whether to visit her dying mother or give her dissertation?
EXT. UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB – DAY
Lucy’s husband pulls up outside the lab. Lucy bends over to kiss him and slips the flash drive into his pocket. She asks her husband to put the flash drive in the safety deposit box. Husband promises, but forgets to go to the bank before it closes.
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR -DAY
(NEW PLAN): Lucy puts family first and drives on a rural road to see her mother.
TE 5: Unexpected strong storm. It rains harder and harder.
(TURNING POINT 2): Lucy’s car is rear ended and then pushed into a ditch by the black monster pickup. Who ran her off the road and why?
ACT IV
INT./EXT. LUCY’S CAR -DAY
It just got more dangerous. Ditch fills with water. Car filling with water. She’s trapped.
TE 6: Lucy’s afraid she won’t survive.
(FINAL PLAN): Lucy calls her family and friends.
Lucy calls her husband to tell him where she is and that she loves him if she doesn’t survive. Tells him she may be pregnant.
Next, she calls her brother. Begs him to let her talk to her mother as she’s caught in a storm.
(CLIMAX/ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF THE CONFLICT): Lucy knows she won’t be able to present her dissertation. Talks to her mother on the phone.
TE 7: Lucy finds out who she thought was her mother is really her grandmother, her sister is her biological mother, and her father is unknown.
(RESOLUTION): The storm lets up, then stops. Sunshine peeks out of the clouds. Lucy slides the sunroof open. Surveys the landscape – corn crops are flattened. She gathers everything into her bag. She crawls out of the sun roof. Lucy’s husband finds her. He drives up and offers her a ride. They embrace and kiss.
PLACEHOLDER: What happens to Professor Clark? Will he be arrested or disappear?
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Sandra’s Transformational Events
What I learned doing this assignment is how it helps to plot out the obstacles, steps and events that force the protagonist to change and transform, and incorporate these into each Act.
OLD WAYS
Lucy started the movie living in the Old Ways.
Old Identity: Fearful and timid Ph.D. student who doesn’t believe in herself.
Jumps to conclusion.
Honest and naive.
Overly dedicated to her work – workaholic.
NEW WAYS
In the end, Lucy becomes stronger and more confident.
New Identity: Empowered – believes she can accomplish anything.
Courageous – released from fear and self-doubt.
Sets better boundaries, priorities and self-care.
Examines situations – thinks things through.
CHANGES OR STEPS THAT NEED TO HAPPEN:
Recognizing she jumped to conclusions. Problems it causes when she doesn’t check things out first.
Aware of danger – someone following her.
Needs to find out who is sabotaging her research and why.
Sees Prof. Clark as the enemy.
Accepts she can control her reality.
Claims her voice – honest with her husband instead of avoiding.
Claims her power – survived storm/ditch – can survive anything.
Realizes she can have it all (career, marriage, and motherhood) on her own terms.
TRANSFORMATIONAL EVENTS
1. Dead mouse – poisoned (jumps to conclusions, thinks it was her research assistant.
2. Café -not her husband with another woman – jumps to conclusions
3. Tire slashed – changes it – black truck side swipes driver’s side.
4. Assistant denies. Warns about Prof. Clark – provides info.
5. Unexpected strong storm. Rains harder and harder. Strong winds.
6. Lucy afraid she won’t survive.
7. Lucy finds out about the family secret.
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Sandra’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
What I learned doing this assignment is that you need a strong conflict to keep the audience worried about the protagonist, and how to build that into a 4 Act transformational structure.
Create a first draft of your 4 Act Structure. Tell us the following:
Concept: A Ph.D. student
discovers the sinister identity of her professor who has been sabotaging
her research. <div><div>
Main Conflict: Lucy’s research
could threaten to discredit Professor Clark’s work, so he secretly finds
ways to sabotage her findings.Lucy’s Old Ways:
Old Identity:
Fearful and timid Ph.D. student who doesn’t believe in herself.
Jumps to conclusion.
Honest and naive.
Overly dedicated to her work – workaholic.
Lucy’s New Ways:
New Identity: Empowered – believes she can accomplish anything.
Courageous – released from fear and self-doubt.
Sets better boundaries, priorities and self-care.
Examines situations – thinks things through.
Act 1:
Opening: Dark lab – someone contaminates a test
vial. Lucy’s house – Lucy steps out of the shower, nervously practices her
dissertation defense looking in the mirror. </div><div>Inciting Incident: At the
University Lucy finds another dead lab mouse.Turning Point: Lucy discovers
the mouse was poisoned.Act 2:
New plan: Lucy gets out of her
car at a café to meet her husband for lunch. Through the window, she
thinks she sees her husband with another woman. Assumes he’s cheating on
her. </div><div>Plan of action: Lucy storms to
her car, speeds off, and knocks over a sign. Lucy confronts her lab
assistant, who denies poisoning the mice, and warns Lucy about Professor
Clark.Midpoint Turning Point: Lucy
receives a call that her mother is in the hospital and requests to see
Lucy as she has something to tell Lucy.Act 3:
Rethink everything: Lucy tells
Professor Clark about the mice and her mother. Professor Clark blames the
assistant. Poison vial is found in the assistant’s desk. </div><div>New plan: Lucy plans to see her
mother, uncover the family secret, and rush back to present her
dissertation at 4 pm.Turning Point: Huge Failure /
Major Shift: It rains harder and harder. Truck rear ends Lucy’s car,
sending her into the ditch. Trapped in her car. Strong winds rock the car.Act 4:
Final plan: Lucy’s afraid she
won’t survive the storm. </div>Climax/Ultimate expression of
the conflict: Lucy knows she won’t make it back in time to present her
dissertation. Lucy hears her mother’s dying words over the phone.Resolution: The
storm lets up, then stops. Lucy crawls out of the sunroof. Her husband
drives up and picks her up. She’s safe. Professor Clark disappears.</div>
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Sandra’s Character Interviews
What I learned doing this assignment is how to gain a better understanding of my characters.
QUESTIONS FOR YOUR PROTAGONIST
Tell
me about yourself. My name is Lucy. I
grew up on a farm in Iowa with my mother, brother and sister. I am the
youngest, my sister is 16 years older and my brother is 18 years older. I
love science. I am finishing my Ph.D. and need to defend my dissertation.
I discovered a natural treatment for cancer in mice. The next step will be
to test it on humans. <div><div>
Why
do you think you were called to this journey? Why you? I’ve always been
curious and analytical. I want to find natural, less harmful ways to help
people.You
are up against. What is it about them that makes this journey even more difficult
for you? Funding. Big Pharma. IRB approval. I have to defend my
dissertation to graduate and continue my project and work. What if my
project doesn’t work with humans?In
order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside
of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be
the most difficult? Confronting others. Public speaking in front of a
large group.What
habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let
go of? Empowering myself. Distorted thinking – jumping to conclusions. Verify not assume.What
fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back? Fear of making
mistakes, public speaking, and abandonment. Don’t know who my father is. </div><div>What
skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this
conflict or antagonist? Analytical. Look for a solution and go deeper.
Investigate.What
are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to
know? Possible pregnancy. Afraid it will ruin my career or my husband will
leave.What
do you think of? I think of a lot of things. Sometimes my mind shifts from
one thing to another. I dread giving my dissertation. I’m very nervous.
Why can’t it be in a small room with a couple people?Tell
me your side of this whole conflict / story. I don’t understand why or who
wants to poison my mice and falsify results. What do they want?What
does it do for your life if you succeed here? All my hard work has paid
off. Feeling that I can do anything. I’ll have time to relax and have a
more balanced life.Ask
any other questions about their character profile that will help you. None
at this time.QUESTIONS FOR YOUR ANTAGONIST
Tell
me about yourself. I am a well-known and respected researcher and
university professor with many years of experience and high credibility. I
expanded this department by winning grants and securing funding. </div>Having
to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses? Strengths
include research and business, and convincing others, including students
to follow my direction. Weakness is being dedicated to my work and not
having a family.Why
are you committed to making the Protagonist fail? Or for a relationship
movie, why are you committed to making them change? Her research
discredits my research. Natural treatments don’t make money and do not
draw funding. Her research will jeopardize future funding.What
do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking
down your competition? I gain
prestige, and more funding for bigger projects.What
drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin,
or death? Competition. Must win at all costs. Obtain a large grant to
support my research project.What
secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of
fear / insecurity? Killed a colleague in the past, changed my identity and
became a top researcher and university professor. Set up a murder to look
like a suicide.Compared
to other people like you, what makes you special? That I am brilliant as
an expert in research and business. Most people are only good at one side
and not both.What
do you think of? The next big project, power and prestige.Tell
me your side of this whole conflict / story. If Lucy had picked a
different research project like I instructed her, we wouldn’t be in this
situation. Stopping her is for the benefit of the university and the department,
so they don’t lose accreditation and credibility. She needs to learn about
the dangers of bucking the system.</div>
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Sandra’s Character Profiles Part 2
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create first draft character profiles quickly.
Genre: Thriller
PROTAGONIST: LUCY
What Makes Them Special: Her ability to analyze, pay attention to details, and go deeper.
What draws us to this character? She is an underdog. An innocent young woman who is being sabotaged, and she is completely ignorant about the business side of research.
Traits: Intelligent, Ambitious, Vulnerable, Fearful.
Subtext: She avoids conflict, and agrees with authority figures.
Flaw: Her innocence and she can’t say no.
Values: Honesty, truth, family.
Irony: Scientifically intelligent, but naïve about relationships. Values honesty, but hides the truth from her husband. Values family, but works too much.
What makes her the right character for this role? She is ambitious, but not a risk taker – plays it safe. Mistakenly sees her professor as a father figure.
ANTAGONIST: GEORGE THOMAS
What Makes Them Special: His brilliance at disguising himself, hiding from authorities, controlling and manipulating others.
What draws us to this character? He is a brilliant professor, researcher and authority figure who is a master at deception and getting others to do his dirty work. Deadly father figure.
Traits: Brilliant, Manipulative, Condescending, Driven.
Subtext: Constantly manipulating and controlling his students.
Flaw: Overly confident.
Values: Power, money, prestige, controlling and manipulating people.
Irony: Appears to be supportive of Lucy, but sabotages her research project and has her followed.
What makes him the right character for this role? He will stop at nothing to get what he wants, including murder. He preys upon his student’s weaknesses.
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Sandra’s Character Profiles Part 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that this is an easier process for creating characters than what I have used in the past.
Genre: Thriller
PROTAGONIST: LUCY
Role in the Story: Victim/Dreamer. Ambitious, yet innocent and naïve about research funding
Age Range and Description: Female, early 30’s, physically fit, intelligent, researcher.
Internal Journey: From fearful and timid to strong and confident.
External journey: From a timid Ph.D. student to taking down a manipulative professor.
Motivation: Defend her dissertation and become a professor/researcher.
Wound: Abandonment. Doesn’t know who her father is (family secret).
Mission/Agenda: To find out who is sabotaging her research.
Secret: Maybe pregnant, but hasn’t told her husband. Afraid of public speaking.
What Makes Them Special: Her ability to analyze, pay attention to details, and go deeper.
ANTAGONIST: GEORGE THOMAS
Role in the Story: Change Agent/Predator. Manipulative university professor.
Age Range and Description: Male, 50’s, brilliant, and arrogant.
Internal Journey: From feeling powerful to powerless.
External journey: From top professor/researcher to jail cell.
Motivation: To obtain a large grant to support his research project.
Wound: Hasn’t received the recognition he feels he deserves.
Mission/Agenda: To sabotage Lucy’s research as it undermines his research.
Secret: He killed a coworker.
What Makes Them Special: His brilliance at disguising himself, hiding from authorities, controlling and manipulating others.
Other Characters: Lucy’s family (husband, mother, brother, sister). Research assistant. Mystery man following Lucy. Paramedics. FBI agent.
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1. Name? Sandra Nelles
2. How many scripts you’ve written? 4 (3 features and 1 tv pilot)
3. What you hope to get out of the class? To write first drafts in less time, and to finish a script I started a year ago.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I belong to a virtual Toastmasters group for screenwriters.
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Sandra’s Transformational Journey
What I learned doing this assignment is that in order to have an amazing character driven story, the protagonist needs to have an Arc and Transformational Journey. This assignment was easy and fun!
Hero: Lucy is a Ph.D. student
Hero’s Character Arc
Internal Journey: From fearful and timid to strong and confident.
External Journey: From a timid Ph.D. student to taking down a manipulative professor.
Old Ways:
-Didn’t believe in herself (insecurity, low self-esteem, self-doubt)
-Jumped to conclusions (erroneous thinking)
-Honest and naïve
-Overly dedicated to her work and studies (workaholic – ignored her family)
New Ways:
Empowered – believes she can accomplish anything
Courageous – released her fears and self-doubt
Examines situations – thinks things through
Sets healthy boundaries and priorities – better self-care
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Hi Linda,
I would like to exchange outlines with you. I have a drama, titled Smugglers Journey. Concept: The adventures of a young sea captain lured into the dangerous world of crude oil smuggling, where he faces a firing squad if captured. Thank you, Sandra. My email is s.nelles@att.net
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Great to see you Leona!
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Yes, it is indeed! Also a challenge to include all the interest techniques.
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Thank you, Ed. Your feedback is very helpful!
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Hi Ed,
Great job! This is a very intriguing and interesting scene.
You seemed to capture all of Brandy’s traits and subtext. However, you may want to make sure more of her deceptive trait comes out in some of the dialogue that did not seem to show a specific trait. You did a great job with including Phillip’s traits and subtext. The trait that stood out the most was his manipulative trait and the trait I noticed the least was sense of entitlement.
The way you introduced interest techniques from the beginning, like uncertainty, hook, suspense, surprise, mystery, intrigue, and an uncomfortable moment, kept me engaged and wanting to find out what was going to happen next. I also noticed how the following interest techniques were woven into the story – predicting a future, anticipatory dialogue, hope/fear, prediction, creating a future, betrayal, mislead/reveal, and something unseen. The ending cliffhanger was fantastic!
Hope this is helpful.
Thank you for exchanging.
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That would be great.
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Maureen,
Thank you so much for your kind feedback. Your comments and suggestions are very helpful.
Have a great weekend!
Sandra
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Hi Maureen,
Thank you for wanting to exchange feedback.
Great story and interesting setting. I could easily see how you used all of John’s character traits. Nick’s confident and conniving traits were strong, however his rebellious and giving traits seemed weak. Nick could be more rebellious in his actions in the beginning by tossing some of John’s papers on the floor and later before the face-off. I was a little confused with the location as attorneys aren’t usually in interview rooms with a two-way mirror (client- attorney privilege or confidentiality).
Good display of both character’s subtext. The interest techniques I noticed were betrayal, surprise, and a major twist. Possible ways to elevate this scene would be to include more of the interest techniques, especially uncertainty. Adding more hope/fear would increase the tension between John and Nick and keep the audience engaged wondering what would happen next. Escalate the actions and emotions of both characters. Go to the extreme. If Nick is confident and rebellious, I think he would hand his resignation directly to his boss, rather than to John.
Great job! Hope some of my suggestions are helpful.
Sandra
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That would be great.
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Hi Amechi,
Here’s a little feedback. You have an interesting scene, and did a great job incorporating Trent’s traits and subtext. The scene details the situation of one character lured into a backroom where he’s beat up.
Some areas of improvement would be to describe and introduce Robert and Trent from the beginning. The celebration part of the Scene Arc could be earlier in the scene instead of just before the beating. Maybe have Robert and Trent discuss the celebration more in the beginning instead of Trent’s lack of funds. Robert’s traits and subtext could be stronger. I only noticed some low self-esteem, and not his other traits. His dialogue seemed harsh and sarcastic rather than creating gossip.
You did a great job including the Interest Techniques of surprise and betrayal.
Hope this helps.