Sandra Gibson
Forum Replies Created
-
Here is my revised Thriller Map with a different ending.
TITLE: Keeper of the Night
GENRE: Thriller
CONCEPT: A billionaire’s life falls apart after he purchases a rare manuscript and suspects he has fallen victim to a curse.
INT. AUCTION HOUSE – DAY
A large screen shows a live view of the French manuscript in the museum. The auction host describes the novelty of the script. It is the only one like it in the world.
Max is texting furiously. Celine is annoyed and wants to go home. She can’t understand what all the fuss is about.
Bids come in both on the floor and on phone. Max looks increasingly nervous. His brow is sweating and he is wringing his fingers. Celine becomes suspicious of his nervous actions.
The host announces a winning bid for 500 million came in from an anonymous bidder. Celine is relieved and eager to get out of the auction house.
INT. LIBRARY – LATER THAT EVENING
Maxim can’t sleep. His pet bird is fluttering with agitation in its cage.
He goes to the library to play the digital grand piano for a few minutes. He turns it off, then goes back to his bedroom to sleep. He hears the piano playing by itself. It stops. He smokes a cigar to try to calm his nerves.
THUNDER and LIGHTENING bring a large rain storm. Maxime finally gets to sleep
INT. VICTOR’S APARTMENT – EVENING
Lilith helps Victor dress as a Shaman. They dance around in comedic and irreverent manner.
INT. FOYER – DAY
There is a KNOCK on the door. Max opens the door to see a man dressed in traditional Shaman feathered garb. He is holding a small drum, some other colored wooden instruments.
Max asks him what he will do. The Shaman remains silent. He holds his finger to his mouth to indicate he needs silence.
The Shaman jumps back as if trying to avoid something hitting him. He runs to the large gate at the front of the property, catching his breath. He gathers his items from the step, leaves the property quickly.
INT. -HOSPTIAL – DAY
Max is pacing up and down the hospital hallway. He exits outside to smoke. His cell phone rings. Its’ Lilith. He tells her to come see her mom, that she is dying. Lilith says she has to work and can’t get off her shift.
A nurse comes to get Max. She tells him to hurry. He gets to her room only to find she has already passed. He breaks down crying and is distraught.
He phones Lilith to tell her the bad news. Lilith is emotionless. She is either numb or doesn’t care enough to react. She says she will move in with Max to help him deal with everything. He agrees.
EXT. PARK – EVENING
Maxim goes for a walk alone in Central Park. There are only a handful of people in the distance.
He sits on a bench, aims a gun to his head.
Lilith, jogging, sees him, runs as fast as she can toward him. She pulls his arm away from his head. A SHOT is fired as the gun falls to the ground.
He tries to pick it up. She kicks it out of his reach. He cries out to let him do it. A passerby picks up the gun and hurls it into the nearby lake.
Max puts his head in his hands in defeat. Lilith sits beside him, puts her arm around his shoulder. He claims that his life is over.
She says no, please don’t feel that way and that it’s all her fault. She says she has a confession to make. She and Victor were behind all the strange happenings at the house.
EXT. PARK – EVENING -PRESENT
Max’s face is red with anger. He is in a rage. Lilith looks sheepish. Max asks her why she would do this to him. What did he ever do to her?
She explains that it isn’t what he did, it’s what he didn’t do. Now he looks sheepish and asks for forgiveness.
Maxim asks her now the fire started at the head of the stairway. Lilith confesses she didn’t have anything to do with it and has no explanation.
He realizes that the devil may have caused the fire. He is now perplexed.
EXT. GRAVEYARD – EVENING
Max visits Celine’s graveside. A priest approaches and tries to console him.
Lilith comes to the graveside. She and Max share in their grief.
As they drive home, they both are killed in a fatal accident.
-
Sandra’s Thriller Map – Version 1
TITLE: Keeper of the Night
GENRE: Thriller
CONCEPT: A billionaire’s life falls apart after he purchases a rare manuscript and suspects he has fallen victim to a curse.
Act 1
INT. MUSEUM – NIGHT
Two security guards peer into a mirrored locked room. They see a large podium with a historical manuscript standing alone in the middle of the room. A single bright light illuminates the text, all in hand-written French.
There is a loud SHATTERING of glass and the ALARM goes off. The two guards rush back to the manuscript room.
INT. MUSEUM – NEXT MORNING
The police arrive to take notes on the incident.
One guard suggests there might be paranormal activity that caused it. The police laugh and give each other a look of, this guy is crazy.
INT. MUSEUM – DAY
Max and Celine attend a private small showing of the Gaspard.
The curator announces that the manuscript will be going on the auction block in a couple of weeks. Max is ecstatic.
INT. AUCTION HOUSE – DAY
Max is texting furiously. Celine is annoyed and wants to go home. She can’t understand what all the fuss is about.
Bids come in both on the floor and on phone. Max looks increasingly nervous. His brow is sweating and he is wringing his fingers. Celine becomes suspicious of his nervous actions.
INT. FOYER – DAY
A large package arrives by courier at the front door. Max accepts it and takes it up to the library. He tells Celine it’s a surprise and will show her later.
INT. MAX”s BEDROOM – LATER THAT EVENING
Max wakens to a dark shadow figure of a man standing over his bed. The figure disappears as soon as he tries to grasp at it.
INT. LIBRARY – LATER THAT NIGHT
Max is sullen. He plays a few notes on the piano, stops to smoke a cigar. He gazes at the empty stand where the manuscript was.
He goes to the library to play the digital grand piano for a few minutes. He turns it off, then goes back to his bedroom to sleep. He hears the piano playing by itself. It stops. He smokes a cigar to try to calm his nerves.
EXT. PARK – DAY
Lilith is going on her daily jog in the park. She sees “Mom” calling on her cell phone and answers the call. She says she knows exactly what they can do to break the curse and that she will take care of it.
She goes to a private place where no one can hear her. She makes a call, continues jogging.
There is a KNOCK on the door. Max opens the door to see a man dressed in traditional Shaman feathered garb. He is holding a small drum, some other colored wooden instruments.
The Shaman jumps back as if trying to avoid something hitting him. He runs to the large gate at the front of the property, catching his breath. He gathers his items from the step, leaves the property quickly.
INT. LIBRARY – LATER THAT EVENING.
Max carefully places the feathers around the manuscript podium. He lights a candle. Celine enters the library and blows out the candle, saying this is quackery and might cause a fire in the house.
Max and Celine argue.
INT. BEDROOM – LATER THAT EVENING
Max is tossing and turning in his sleep. He awakens to see the image of someone standing over him with a knife in his hand. He SHRIEKS. The figure disappears.
INT. STAIRCASE – NEXT DAY
The Shaman arrives at the front door. Max arrives, unshaven and disheveled. He eagerly beckons the Shaman to come in. Nothing happens to help quell the curse.
INT. BEDROOM – EVENING
Max is in bed reading. There is a gentle KNOCK on the door. Celine enters. She looks sullen and pale. She says she has even more bad news – she has terminal cancer and has only weeks to live.
INT. -HOSPTIAL – DAY
A nurse comes to get Max. She tells him to hurry. He gets to her room only to find she has already passed. He breaks down crying and is distraught.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Max is grieving. Victor walks up to him to give his condolences. He says he head about the curse of the manuscript and offers to help break the curse. Max is doubtful.
INT. LIBRARY – NEXT DAY
Victor arrives to pick up the manuscript. Max hands him a carefully packaged box. Once outside, Victor gets into his car with Lilith. The two embrace and kiss.
INT. – FOYER – SEVERAL DAYS LATER
Victor KNOCKS on the door. He is holding the package containing the manuscript.
Max opens the door and asks him to come in. Victor says he should sit down. Max asks him what he found out.
INT. LIBRARY – DAY
Max is in his library listening to music. Lilith comes into the library, turns the music on low volume, and says he must listen to the latest newscast.
She plays him a newscast from her phone. The seller of the manuscript is admitting he sold the auction house a fake. It’s the worst scandal to occur at the auction house in its history.
Max phones the auction house in a fit of rage. They won’t take his call.
INT. LIBRARY – MINUTES LATER
Maxim hears the music playing, takes a hammer from a drawer, SMASHES the glass covering the manuscript.
EXT. PARK – EVENING
Maxim goes for a walk alone in Central Park. There are only a handful of people in the distance.
He sits on a bench, aims a gun to his head.
Lilith, jogging, sees him, runs as fast as she can toward him. She pulls his arm away from his head. A SHOT is fired as the gun falls to the ground.
MONTAGE
INT. VICTOR’S APARTMENT – EVENING
Lilith helps Victor dress as a Shaman. They dance around in comedic and irreverent manner.
INT. VICTOR’S APARTMENT – EVENING
Victor programs a disc from his computer to play the music from a program at various times of the day or night.
INT. VICTOR’S APARTMENT – DAY
Victor encodes the manuscript with a nearly invisible image.
EXT. PARK – EVENING -PRESENT
Max’s face is red with anger. He is in a rage. Lilith looks sheepish. Max asks her why she would do this to him. What did he ever do to her?
She explains that it isn’t what he did, it’s what he didn’t do. Now he looks sheepish and asks for forgiveness.
Maxim asks her now the fire started at the head of the stairway. Lilith confesses she didn’t have anything to do with it and has no explanation.
EXT. GRAVE-YARD – EVENING
Maxim is visiting Celine’s grave. He is upset and forlorn.
A priest arrives, reminds him of what he still has left and suggests he build on his relationship with his daughter.
EXT. BRIDGE – EVENING
Max and Lilith are driving home. They are both killed in a fatal accident.
INT. FOLLOWING WEEK – FUNERAL HOME
There are two closed caskets, one with a picture of Max, the other with a picture of Lilith. Victor is in the front row sobbing uncontrollably.
-
Sandra’s Thriller Map Version 1
What I learned is that I can write scenes without dialogue in order to get a better sense of what the characters are doing in their actions and intentions.
INT. MUSEUM – NIGHT
Two security guards peer into a mirrored locked room. They see a large podium with a historical manuscript standing alone in the middle of the room. A single bright light illuminates the text, all in hand-written French.
Both guards look at each other, shrugging their shoulders.
As they begin to walk away, one of the guards gasps in horror as he sees the head of a person appear as a dark shadow over the manuscript. The shadow disappears as quickly as it appeared.
The two guards look at each other in disbelief. They don’t know how to interpret or process this. They walk away and continue their duties.
INT. FOYER – DAY
A large package arrives by courier at the front door. Max accepts it and takes it up to the library. He tells Celine it’s a surprise and will show her later.
He carefully unwraps the package, kisses the manuscript, wipes the glass covering it, sets it on a wooden podium.
Celine enters the library and sees the manuscript. She is angered to find out he was the so-called anonymous bidder.
INT. LIBRARY – LATER THAT EVENING
Maxim can’t sleep. He goes to the library to play the digital grand piano for a few minutes. He turns it off, then goes back to his bedroom to sleep. He hears the piano playing by itself. It stops. He smokes a cigar to try to calm his nerves.
EXT. PARK – DAY
Lilith is going on her daily jog in the park. She sees “Mom” calling on her cell phone and answers the call. She says she knows exactly what they can do to break the curse and that she will take care of it.
She goes to a private place where no one can hear her. She makes a call, continues jogging.
INT. BEDROOM – LATER THAT EVENING
Max is tossing and turning in his sleep. He awakens to see the image of someone standing over him with a knife in his hand. He SHRIEKS.
The figure disappears. He takes grabs a gun from under his bed, SHOOTS out into the darkness. He calls the police and says that someone has broken into his house.
The police arrive a few minutes later. They search the house thoroughly and find no one. They sit down with Max to interview him and take notes. The police exit, looking at each other with a look of concern.
INT. BEDROOM – EVENING
Max is in bed reading. There is a gentle KNOCK on the door. Celine enters. She looks sullen and pale.
He tells her the bad news about Bitcoin crashing. She says she has even more bad news – she has terminal cancer and has only weeks to live. Max throws a lamp off its stand. He apologizes then takes her in his arms and holds her tenderly.
The phone rings. It’s Lilith. She says she and Victor broke up and needs somewhere to stay. Max suggest she come live with him and Celine for awhile. She eagerly accepts the invitation.
EXT. PARK – EVENING
Maxim goes for a walk alone in Central Park. There are only a handful of people in the distance.
He sits on a bench, aims a gun to his head.
Lilith, jogging, sees him, runs as fast as she can toward him. She pulls his arm away from his head. A SHOT is fired as the gun falls to the ground.
He tries to pick it up. She kicks it out of his reach. He cries out to let him do it. A passerby picks up the gun and hurls it into the nearby lake.
Max puts his head in his hands in defeat. Lilith sits beside him, puts her arm around his shoulder. He exclaims that his life is over.
-
Sandra Misdirects where Appropriate
I added clue and character misdirections but don’t have any dialogue misdirections yet. I will try to add this in as well
Clue Misdirection – misinterpreted clue – Max assumes the manuscript being in his home is causing the music to play by itself
Character misdirection – Character presented as one thing, but turns out to be another – Victor appears to be non-threatening but is actually helping Lilith behind the scenes to set up the con jobs
Character Misdirection – intention misunderstood – Max thinks Lilith is moving in to help him but is moving in to be able to manipulate and control him more
-
Sandra Gives Great Clues!
What I learned is that clues should be spread throughout to give the viewer an opportunity to attempt to solve the mystery, but shouldn’t be too covert to make it easy to figure out.
OPENING Creepy sounds coming from a museum object.
Mystery/Intrigue: Why is Max so interested in the manuscript?
Reveal/Covert clue: It is based on a poem for a piece of music he loved as a child.
INCITING INCIDENT
Max purchases a rare manuscript that has a history of being cursed.
Life Threatening 1
Is the manuscript really cursed?
Villain’s Plan 1
His daughter discovers he has purchased the piece and starts thinking of how to manipulate him in order to get money from him
TRUST: Lilith is his only child and has never hurt him before. Yes, she asks for money, but he believes only because she needs it.
DISTRUST: She uses her position as his daughter to get information about his fears.
Mystery 1 Why is music playing without anyone near the piano?
Villain’s Plan 2
She pretends to offer help by enlisting a Shaman to quell the curse.
TWIST 1 (new consequences emerge)
Direction: A Shaman comes to the house to try to quell the evil spirit.
Twist: The attempt doesn’t work and the Shaman does damage to the home in the process.
Life Threatening 3
Her friend suggests more life-threatening tactics to scare him further – now his physical life is in danger.
Mystery 2 How did the words “Satan Rules” get on the manuscript?
Max/Victor
TRUST Max trusts Victor because he seems polite and non-threatening and is dating his daughter.
DISTRUST Victor’s allegiance is to Lilith and is passive so will do anything she asks of him.
TWIST 2 (it just got more dangerous)
Direction: Max thinks he sees someone with a gun in his house.
Twist: He shoots into the darkness and narrowly misses Celine.
Life Threatening 4
Now Max thinks he is being taunted by Satan.
TURNING POINT
Max’s wife dies of apparently natural causes.
Life Threatening 5
Max is now more vulnerable. His daughter offers to move in with him to keep him company.
Mystery Why is Lilith wanting to get close to her father?
Covert Clue – Background that later becomes foreground – Lilith admits to being part of the con job
Mystery 3: Why is Maxim waking up to see the shadow of a figure claiming to be a dead poet?
Life Threatening 7
Now she has more control over the house and his mental state.
Villain’s Plan 3
She starts planting various devices around the house to scare Max.
Life Threatening 8
Max thinks he is going crazy but doesn’t know who to turn to.
Mystery 4: How did the fire start when the Shaman was trying to quell the spirit?
Mystery: Why are strange events happening to Max?
TWIST 3 (lost their resources)
Direction: Max wants to pull his money out of Bitcoin.
Twist: Bitcoin crashes
Life Threatening 9
Max attempts suicide.
TWIST 4 (A lie is uncovered)
Direction: Lilith feels responsible for her father’s demise and feels guilty.
Overt Clue/Twist: Lilith confesses to her involvement with the cons and setups.
Intrigue: What is causing the mysterious events to occur?
Reveal Lilith has been working with Victor all along to set up the events.
Intrigue How did the fire start at the head of the staircase.
Reveal Lilith says she didn’t do anything to start the fire. Max concludes that something paranormal did occur.
-
Sandra’s Dramatic Reveals
What I leaned is that setting up the intrigue and making it subtle makes the reveals much more satisfying when they are revealed.
I placed the most important reveals near the ending to keep the audience guessing and not knowing if the events are real or engineered.
OPENING Creepy sounds coming from a museum object.
Intrigue: Why is Max so interested in the manuscript?
Reveal: It is based on a poem for a piece of music he loved as a child.
INCITING INCIDENT
Max purchases a rare manuscript that has a history of being cursed.
Life Threatening 1
Is the manuscript really cursed?
Villain’s Plan 1
His daughter discovers he has purchased the piece and starts thinking of how to manipulate him in order to get money from him
TRUST: Lilith is his only child and has never hurt him before. Yes, she asks for money, but he believes only because she needs it.
DISTRUST: She uses her position as his daughter to get information about his fears.
Mystery 1 Why is music playing without anyone near the piano?
Villain’s Plan 2
She pretends to offer help by enlisting a Shaman to quell the curse.
TWIST 1 (new consequences emerge)
Direction: A Shaman comes to the house to try to quell the evil spirit.
Twist: The attempt doesn’t work and the Shaman does damage to the home in the process.
Life Threatening 3
Her friend suggests more life-threatening tactics to scare him further – now his physical life is in danger.
Mystery 2 How did the words “Satan Rules” get on the manuscript?
Max/Victor
TRUST Max trusts Victor because he seems polite and non-threatening and is dating his daughter.
DISTRUST Victor’s allegiance is to Lilith and is passive so will do anything she asks of him.
TWIST 2 (it just got more dangerous)
Direction: Max thinks he sees someone with a gun in his house.
Twist: He shoots into the darkness and narrowly misses Celine.
Life Threatening 4
Now Max thinks he is being taunted by Satan.
TURNING POINT
Max’s wife dies of apparently natural causes.
Life Threatening 5
Max is now more vulnerable. His daughter offers to move in with him to keep him company.
Mystery 3: Why is Maxim waking up to see the shadow of a figure claiming to be a dead poet?
Life Threatening 7
Now she has more control over the house and his mental state.
Villain’s Plan 3
She starts planting various devices around the house to scare Max.
Life Threatening 8
Max thinks he is going crazy but doesn’t know who to turn to.
Mystery 4: How did the fire start when the Shaman was trying to quell the spirit?
TWIST 3 (lost their resources)
Direction: Max wants to pull his money out of Bitcoin.
Twist: Bitcoin crashes
Life Threatening 9
Max attempts suicide.
TWIST 4 (A lie is uncovered)
Direction: Lilith feels responsible for her father’s demise and feels guilty.
Twist: Lilith confesses to her involvement with the cons and setups.
Intrigue: What is causing the mysterious events to occur?
Reveal Lilith has been working with Victor all along to set up the events.
Intrigue How did the fire start at the head of the staircase.
Reveal Lilith says she didn’t do anything to start the fire. Max concludes that something paranormal did occur.
-
Sandra’s Trust Relationships
What I learned is that building in trust/distrust makes the plot more believable and helps add empathy for the victims.
1. Make a list of the main characters.
Hero:
Max
Villain:
Lilith
Red Herring Character: Victor
Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Lilith
Isn’t trusted, but should be: Celine<div>2. With each character, ask these questions:
Max – trustable but can appear not trustable because of his show of wealth and power.
Could switch if under extreme fear or felling of loss of control.
Lilith – non trustable – appear trustable with her sweet and naïve veneer.
She would switch to trustable only if it benefits her.
Victor – non trustable – is really trustable but has been conned/used by Lilith to carry out her dirty work.
He might switch if his life or well-being is threatened.
Celine – trustable. She might switch to non trustable to cover up for Lilith.
Hero/Villain/ trusted but shouldn’t be
Max/Lilith
TRUST: Lilith is his only child and has never hurt him before. Yes, she asks for money, but he believes only because she needs it.
DISTRUST: She uses her position as his daughter to get information about his fears.
Hero/Red Herring Character/trusted but shouldn’t be
Max/Victor
TRUST Max trusts Victor because he seems polite and non-threatening and is dating his daughter.
DISTRUST Victor’s allegiance is to Lilith and is passive so will do anything she asks of him.
Thriller Map with Trust/Distrust added
OPENING Creepy sounds coming from a museum object.
INCITING INCIDENT
Max purchases a rare manuscript that has a history of being cursed.
Life Threatening 1
Is the manuscript really cursed?
Villain’s Plan 1
His daughter discovers he has purchased the piece and starts thinking of how to manipulate him in order to get money from him
TRUST: Lilith is his only child and has never hurt him before. Yes, she asks for money, but he believes only because she needs it.
DISTRUST: She uses her position as his daughter to get information about his fears.
Mystery 1 Why is music playing without anyone near the piano?
Villain’s Plan 2
She pretends to offer help by enlisting a Shaman to quell the curse.
TWIST 1 (new consequences emerge)
Direction: A Shaman comes to the house to try to quell the evil spirit.
Twist: The attempt doesn’t work and the Shaman does damage to the home in the process.
Life Threatening 3
Her friend suggests more life-threatening tactics to scare him further – now his physical life is in danger.
Mystery 2 How did the words “Satan Rules” get on the manuscript?
Max/Victor
TRUST Max trusts Victor because he seems polite and non-threatening and is dating his daughter.
DISTRUST Victor’s allegiance is to Lilith and is passive so will do anything she asks of him.
TWIST 2 (it just got more dangerous)
Direction: Max thinks he sees someone with a gun in his house.
Twist: He shoots into the darkness and narrowly misses Celine.
Life Threatening 4
Now Max thinks he is being taunted by Satan.
TURNING POINT
Max’s wife dies of apparently natural causes.
Life Threatening 5
Max is now more vulnerable. His daughter offers to move in with him to keep him company.
Mystery 3: Why is Maxim waking up to see the shadow of a figure claiming to be a dead poet?
Life Threatening 7
Now she has more control over the house and his mental state.
Villain’s Plan 3
She starts planting various devices around the house to scare Max.
Life Threatening 8
Max thinks he is going crazy but doesn’t know who to turn to.
Mystery 4: How did the fire start when the Shaman was trying to quell the spirit?
TWIST 3 (lost their resources)
Direction: Max wants to pull his money out of Bitcoin.
Twist: Bitcoin crashes
Life Threatening 9
Max attempts suicide.
TWIST 4 (A lie is uncovered)
Direction: Lilith feels responsible for her father’s demise and feels guilty.
Twist: Lilith confesses to her involvement with the cons and setups.
</div>
-
Sandra’s Twists and Turns
What I learned is that adding twists and turns strategically and evenly paced helps keep the plot stay unpredictable and interesting.
TWIST 1 (new consequences emerge)
Direction: A Shaman comes to the house to try to quell the evil spirit.
Twist: The attempt doesn’t work and the Shaman does damage to the home in the process.
TWIST 2(it just got more dangerous)
Direction: Max thinks he sees someone with a gun in his house.
Twist: He shoots into the darkness and narrowly misses Celine.
TWIST 3 (lost their resources)
Direction: Max wants to pull his money out of Bitcoin.
Twist: Bitcoin crashes
TWIST 4 (A lie is uncovered)
Direction: Max attempts suicide.
Twist: Lilith confesses to her involvement with the cons and setups.
Sandra’s New Thriller Map with Twists
OPENING Creepy sounds coming from a museum object.
INCITING INCIDENT
Max purchases a rare manuscript that has a history of being cursed.
Life Threatening 1
Is the manuscript really cursed?
Villain’s Plan 1
His daughter discovers he has purchased the piece and starts thinking of how to manipulate him in order to get money from him
Mystery 1 Why is music playing without anyone near the piano?
Villain’s Plan 2
She pretends to offer help by enlisting a Shaman to quell the curse.
TWIST 1 (new consequences emerge)
Direction: A Shaman comes to the house to try to quell the evil spirit.
Twist: The attempt doesn’t work and the Shaman does damage to the home in the process.
Life Threatening 3
Her friend suggests more life-threatening tactics to scare him further – now his physical life is in danger.
Mystery 2 How did the words “Satan Rules” get on the manuscript?
TWIST 2 (it just got more dangerous)
Direction: Max thinks he sees someone with a gun in his house.
Twist: He shoots into the darkness and narrowly misses Celine.
Life Threatening 4
Now Max thinks he is being taunted by Satan.
TURNING POINT
Max’s wife dies of apparently natural causes.
Life Threatening 5
Max is now more vulnerable. His daughter offers to move in with him to keep him company.
Mystery 3: Why is Maxim waking up to see the shadow of a figure claiming to be a dead poet?
Life Threatening 7
Now she has more control over the house and his mental state.
Villain’s Plan 3
She starts planting various devices around the house to scare Max.
Life Threatening 8
Max thinks he is going crazy but doesn’t know who to turn to.
Mystery 4: How did the fire start when the Shaman was trying to quell the spirit?
TWIST 3 (lost their resources)
Direction: Max wants to pull his money out of Bitcoin.
Twist: Bitcoin crashes
Life Threatening 9
Max attempts suicide.
TWIST 4 (A lie is uncovered)
Direction: Lilith feels responsible for her father’s demise and feels guilty.
Twist: Lilith confesses to her involvement with the cons and setups.
-
Sandra’s Life Threatening Sequence
What I learned is that interweaving the villain’s plans with mystery and life threatening events leads to more cohesive structure and plot points.
OPENING Creepy sounds coming from a museum object.
INCITING INCIDENT
Max purchases a rare manuscript that has a history of being cursed.
Life Threatening 1
Is the manuscript really cursed?
Villain’s Plan 1
His daughter discovers he has purchased the piece and starts thinking of how to manipulate him in order to get money from him
Mystery 1 Why is music playing without anyone near the piano?
Villain’s Plan 2
She pretends to offer help by enlisting a Shaman to quell the curse.
Life Threatening 3
Her friend suggests more life-threatening tactics to scare him further – now his physical life is in danger.
Mystery 2 How did the words “Satan Rules” get on the manuscript?
Life Threatening 4
Now Max thinks he is being taunted by Satan.
TURNING POINT
Max’s wife dies of apparently natural causes.
Life Threatening 5
Max is now more vulnerable. His daughter offers to move in with him to keep him company.
Mystery 3: Why is Maxim waking up to see the shadow of a figure claiming to be a dead poet?
Life Threatening 7
Now she has more control over the house and his mental state.
Villain’s Plan 3
She starts planting various devices around the house to scare Max.
Life Threatening 8
Max thinks he is going crazy but doesn’t know who to turn to.
Mystery 4: How did the fire start when the Shaman was trying to quell the spirit?
Life Threatening 9
He loses all his money and wealth in the stock market. Without the lure of getting his money, his daughter admits to her pranks and begs for forgiveness.
-
Sandra’s Life Threatening Sequence
What I learned is that having a sequence of events adds intensity to the plot.
What is the Villain’s plan
and how does that put the Hero in danger?<div>The Villain’s plan is to make her father believe he is going crazy so she can manipulate him and throw his sense of himself off balance.
What other potential dangers
could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront
the Villain?</div><div>He could come across co-conspirators in her plan to ruin him who might hurt him physically.
From the list of potential
dangers, choose the ones that work for this story.The one that works best for this story is betrayal from someone close.
Sequence those dangers in
order and make a list like the one I did for Basic Instinct above.1. Max purchases a rare manuscript that has a history of being cursed but intrigues him nonetheless.
2. His daughter discovers he has purchased the piece and starts thinking of how to manipulate him in order to get money from him
3. She pretends to offer help by enlisting a Shaman to quell the curse.
4. Her friend suggests more life-threatening tactics to scare him further – now his physical life is in danger.
5. Max’s wife dies of apparently natural causes.
6. Max is now more vulnerable. His daughter offers to move in with him to keep him company.
7. Now she has more control over the house and his mental state.
8. She starts planting various devices around the house to scare Max.
9. Max thinks he is going crazy but doesn’t know who to turn to.
10. He loses all his money and wealth in the stock market.
11. Without the lure of getting his money, his daughter admits to her pranks and begs for forgiveness.
</div>
-
Sandra’s Mystery Sequence
What I learned doing this assignment is that mysteries can be set up sequentially in order to build intrigue and momentum. It helps engage the viewer more fully.
What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up?
The big secret the Villain is covering up her involvement with setting up pranks for Max to think he is targeted by an evil spirit.
How
many ways can they cover that secret? Those become the mysteries.She can pretend to believe there is a bad spirit causing things to happen and offer to help get rid of the spirit.
She can also pretend to offer reasonable solutions to the occurrences.
The
first mystery must engage the Hero into solving it.Max begins to investigate the authenticity of the script.
Sequence
the mysteries so that each one leads us to the next one. Include ONE Red
Herring mystery if you can.Mystery 1 Why is music playing without anyone near the piano?
Mystery 2 How did the words “Satan Rules” get on the manuscript?
Mystery 3: Why is Maxim waking up to see the shadow of a figure claiming to be a dead poet?
Mystery 4: How did the fire start when the Shaman was trying to quell the spirit?
Create
a Mystery Chain for each main mystery.Mystery 1 Why is music playing without anyone near the piano?
Max hears music playing on the digital piano.
Every time he goes to the library the music stops.
Mystery 2 How did the words “Satan Rules” get on the manuscript?
Victor volunteers to take the manuscript to an expert to get carbon dated.
The carbon dating technique reveals the hidden words.
Max believes he has purchased a cursed manuscript.
Mystery 3: Why is Maxim waking up to see the shadow of a figure claiming to be a dead poet?
Max researches the life and meaning of the poet’s work.
Max starts to have nightmares about the dead poet.
Is his mind playing tricks on him, or is he being visited by a spirit from the other side?
Mystery 4: How did the fire start when the Shaman was trying to quell the spirit?
A fire starts around the manuscript mysteriously when the Shaman performs an ancient ritual.
The fire mysteriously stops just as quickly as it started.
Could someone be setting up a special effect, and if so, who?
-
Sandra’s BI Stacking Suspense
What I learned in this assignment is that mystery, suspense, and intrigue can be built into every scene, not just the overall concept. I also learned that it is extremely important to keep the viewer guessing at what the realities are. Give enough detail to lead the viewer to a conclusion (even lead them to an incorrect conclusion), but always keep them guessing. Don’t reveal the answer to the mystery till the last possible moment.
-
Sandra’ World and Characters!
What I learned doing this assignment is that making sure characters fit the MIS profile helps create more mystery, intrigue, and suspense overall.
CONCEPT: A billionaire starts to experience strange events and happenings in his life after he purchases a rare manuscript.
Big Mystery – Is the manuscript cursed?
Big Intrigue – What is causing the strange events?
Big Suspense – Is Maxim’s life at risk?
Characters
Maxim
A. What is the mystery of
this character?Why is he so obsessed with rare pieces of art?
B. What is the suspense of
this character?Will he come to believe in the supernatural?
C. What is the intrigue of
this character?How did he make his money?
Lilith
A. What is the mystery of this character?
Why does she hate her father so much?
B. What is the suspense of
this character?Does she have something to do with the cursed manuscript?
C. What is the intrigue of
this character?What makes her appear so innocuous?
-
Sandra Gibson: “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
GROUP RELEASE FORM FOR “THRILLER 20” CLASS
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:1. That everyone’s work here is copyrighted and they are the sole
owner of that work. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this
group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that
idea.2. That this program is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun and I will not share,
disclose, present, or deliver the information, design, and writing of this
program to anyone for any reason without written permission from Hal Croasmun.3. That I will keep the other writers’ ideas and writing confidential
(including Hal’s materials) and will not share this information with
anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner.
I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone
outside this group.4. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or
have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can
independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or
movie idea.5. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for
any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted
work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from
marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents,
managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment
industry organizations or people.This completes the Group Release Form for Thriller 20.
-
Subject line: Sandra’s Big M.I.S.
What I learned doing this assignment is that learning from the masters is a great starting point to construct my story with the conventions and Big M.I.S.
logline: A billionaire purchases a rare manuscript and experiences a series of unexplainable and frightening events.
1. The conventions
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Maxim
Dangerous Villain: Lilith, his daughter is using her friends to set up unusual events to frighten Maxim.
High stakes: Maxim doesn’t know if he is imagining things or if there is a curse that came with the manuscript.
<u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Life and death situations: Maxim thinks his life could be in danger.
This story is thrilling because?
The viewer won’t know where or how the events are transpiring.2. Tell us the Big M.I.S
Big Mystery: Where are the strange events coming from?
Big Intrigue: Are the events from a curse?
Big Suspense: Will Maxim get hurt physically or even loose his mind?
-
The Gift – Thriller Conventions
What I learned doing this assignment is that thrillers are full of layers of mystery and intrigue.
Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Simon
Villain: Gordo
High stakes: Simon’s wife is pregnant with their first child and the villain is obsessed with her.
Life and death situations: Gordo is highly unpredictable, has a huge chip on his shoulder so to speak, and wants to get revenge against Simon from a slight when he was in high school.
Big Mystery: Why is Gordo obsessed with Simon and his wife?
Big Intrigue: How is Gordo going to play out his obsession for revenge against the couple?
Big Suspense: Will the escalating violence end up taking one or both lives?
This movie is thrilling because? The movie is thrilling because Gordo is so unpredictable and strange. His actions are completely unpredictable and we don’t know what he will do next. We fear for the safety and well-being of Simon and his wife, even though Simon did Gordo harm years ago.
-
Hi – my name is Sandra Gibson and I have written five scripts.
I hope to turn a drama I am working on into a Thriller. I love writing and have been writing scripts for about nine years now. I placed as a semi-finalist at the Austin Screenwriting competition in 2019 and have been working very hard on improving my skills ever since.
-
1. Sandra Gibson
2. I agree to the terms of this release form.As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That everyone’s work here is copyrighted and they are the sole
owner of that work. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this
group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that
idea.2. That this program is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun and I will not share,
disclose, present, or deliver the information, design, and writing of this
program to anyone for any reason without written permission from Hal Croasmun.3. That I will keep the other writers’ ideas and writing confidential
(including Hal’s materials) and will not share this information with
anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner.
I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone
outside this group.4. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or
have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can
independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or
movie idea.5. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for
any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted
work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from
marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents,
managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment
industry organizations or people. -
Hi Alan;
I think you have a very intriguing story – is very believable yet you add twists that make us wonder what will happen next. I highlighted the points that work well. (Mystery, intrigue, suspense, twists). My only main suggestion is to write other possible endings to show us what happens internally and externally to Holly after she is saved. The audience will have built up a lot of empathy for her by this time and will want to know more about the way she is coping with the memories of the intensely disturbing events in her life. Can she recover, or is she scarred for life?
Great job! Good luck with your script!
Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman repeatedly risks his life attempting to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs, missing girls and a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring. Intriguing concept
Alan’s Thriller Map – A BLIND EYE
For: My friends who have been victims.
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT
A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, athlete build, silver wedding ring.
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT
The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of Jay Crockett, (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman.
At a back corner table, Jay and Holly Sampson (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.
At the bar, a tall blond surfer dude, Blake, chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.
As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash. Intrigue
INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT
Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her. Suspense
INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT
Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old Madison Hansen.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and Lacy have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes. Mystery
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY
Denver Police Detective Swaboda and Quinn talk with the hostess about the sketch.
EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY
Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes to Sioux Falls. Suspense
INT. SIOUX FALLS BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Madison buys a bus ticket to Denver. $149. She’s shocked to be almost broke. She probably isn’t shocked but knows this already. The audience will have empathy for her.
INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, the Rolex Creep, buys Erin Raynor (25ish) a green appletini. Jay sees him slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay debates whether to help or not. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. But, Jay won’t let the Rolex Creep carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. The Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay. Twist
LATER
Detective Swaboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. Quinn brings Jay in for questioning.
INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT
Jay walks out in a lineup. The Chinook Hostess and Waitress identify Jay. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.
INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Jay stalks the terminal. He finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry. Let me buy you lunch.” After lunch, Jay phones the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She accepts and leaves with Jay.
INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY
‘Bus Terminal Jay’ turns out to be Finn, Jay’s doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.
Blake and the Rolex Creep congratulate Finn and tell him to keep using Jay’s name.
INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.
EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Creep drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay Suspense, twist
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Lacy moved out without talking to Jay. Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.
EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY
Police find Blake dead in a gully. Intrigue
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY
Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay and Holly’s rich dad. Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.
INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY
Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired. Twist
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.
The FBI have eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.
Jay learns the Rolex Creep, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.
The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.
EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears truckers and follows them to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket. Suspense
INT. FBI VAN – DAY
Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. She tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Creep as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.
EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
A truck brothel thug chases after Jay and Erin. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But, Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.
INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
FBI agents verify Holly’s being shipped to China.
Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI. But the FBI hack a message. The modeling job is fake. Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA.
EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY
Traffickers pick Erin up in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.
EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY
Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.
LATER
Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay and rescuing Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.
INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers.
EXT. Dongguan PARK – DAY
Traffickers bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.
INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY
The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel.
Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.
LATER
Jay and a Security Guy from Holly’s dad’s company go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as the Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape. Suspense
INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY
Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly.
LATER
With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay. He flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.
I suggest writing other possible endings – what happens to Holly? How does she cope with what happened to her?
THE END
-
Hi Alan – thank you for the feedback! I appreciate it. I am in the midst of a move so will try to get my feedback to you by the end of the week. Sorry for the delay.
Sandra
-
Hi Alan;
I haven’t had feedback from Kim so maybe you can kindly give me some feedback instead on this first draft?
-
Hi Alan – sure, that would be great!
-
Hi Kim;
I think your map is filled with interesting twists and turns, and intrigue as well. I have one suggestion that could work to add to the suspense and intrigue. Why not keep the fact that Sage has written and worked on her graphic novel hidden until near the end? Have the SWAT team discover her notes and board of story beats near the end of your map. Have other references to her book deal revealed later on as well.
It’s just a suggestion, but you might have fun playing with this reversal of timing of how you let the audience in on the reveal.
Good luck with your development of your ideas! I was pulled into the story the entire read.
-
Hi Kim – Yes! I would love to exchange feedback.