[Susan]

My Assignment Module 4 Lesson 1 Character Journey Structure

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

I am feeling a little confused about the different points in the script or scripts in general.

1. State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I am absolutely capable…

Activity: …of creating great Character Structures.

Done Several times during assignment.

2. Start with the Protagonist and your source material. Create a beginning, middle, and end of the character’s story.

3. Add the rest of the structure to the characters to the script. Try to get to the point as we’ve done in the Iron Man example above.

Protagonist: BRENDI Rostovanova

Beginning:

BRENDI begins as an undercover Russian agent Trapeze star in the Russian Circus.

Inciting Incident:

FILIPP tries to drop her on the Trapeze during the show, then engages in a fight with her in the dressing room, and sets her up to be arrested.

Turning Point 1:

BRENDI follows FILIPP who it turns out is one of the Ukrainian sleeper agents the agency is looking for and finds out he is part of a plot to terrorize Russia!

Act 2:

BRENDI kidnaps FILIPP and hides him in a “dungeon” like place. Possibly basement of an abandoned factory she knows about. She alone questions him, then meets her partner to follow FILIPP’s handler.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint:

There is a shootout at FILIPP’s handler’s hiding place. BRENDI’s partner is killed.

Act 3:

BRENDI returns to FILIPP and finds CHAZ (the main Circus clown – an undercover CIA agent) questioning him and about to let him go. She has a showdown with CHAZ. CHAZ joins her to stop the terror. There are a few different terrorist attacks they must try and stop which slightly diverts their attention away from The MONSTR and his big plans.

Turning Point 3:

BRENDI and CHAZ follow one handler after another and finally find the only one who knows The MONSTR and his plan. They overhear part of the plan and realize they must stop the terrorist plan dropping and exploding the nuke on large Russian city.

Act 4 Climax:

BRENDI (using her Trapeze skills) and CHAZ kill off some of the Ukrainian terrorists and board the plane. CHAZ begins to disarm the bomb while BRENDI finds The MONSTR talking to the pilot in the cockpit. They find out there is a bigger conspiracy behind everything.

Resolution:

BRENDI catches the Ukrainian Terrorist, saves the day and is awarded medals, honor, and promoted in the agency. She will be paired up with CHAZ to work to end the bigger threat to the entire World.

4. Repeat the process with your Antagonist.

Antagonist: The MONSTR – Hadeon (hay-dee-in) Borysenko

Beginning:

Hadeon Borysenko is in upper echelon of Russian politico, has political disagreement about the missing nuclear warheads and what should be done about them with Big Boss Politicos – he threatens to go public about ones not known of before.

Inciting Incident:

The cabal chase Hadeon, his wife and 2 children (boy 6, girl 8) and murder them, but Hadeon manages to escape to Ukraine.

Turning Point 1:

Hadeon joins Ukraine spy agency against Russia.

Act 2:

Hadeon works on plans within the Ukraine spy agency to have agents infiltrate Russia as moles. He is vicious and murders mercilessly and becomes known as The MONSTR.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint:

Hadeon secretly figures out a way to get one of the missing nukes to use against Russia, but is missing the Resources. He plans a huge terrorist attack on Russia with small attacks beforehand to keep any adversaries off track.

Act 3:

The MONSTR enlists terrorists to join him in his plans. Only the very top one knows everything.

Turning Point 3:

Someone from the outside assists The MONSTR with resources like planes, arsenal, etc. This person is really in charge and is part of a larger network which is trying to take over the world (world domination). The MONSTR retrieves the nuke and sets the plan in motion to take down a large Russian city and destroy Russia. He murders everyone who helped him recover the nuke.

Act 4 Climax:

The MONSTR has the final terrorist plan to blow up a large Russian city with a nuke in place. The planes are on the runway. BRENDI and CHAZ show up and interfere.

Resolution: Hadeon Borysenko/The MONSTR is killed in his final battle with BRENDI and CHAZ to keep his big plan in motion.

4B. Repeat with Triangle Character

Triangle Character: CHAZ Kofman / Lev Kotov

Beginning:

CHAZ is an undercover CIA agent working as one of the main clowns in the Russian circus. He has been planted to try and assist the Ukrainian spies (who are really terrorists) to cause problems for Russia.

Inciting Incident:

FILIPP suddenly leaves the Circus before the show ends in his costume and he was not clued in on what is happening. CHAZ goes through FILIPP’s dressing room to look for clues while he waits.

Turning Point 1:

FILIPP returns, but when he leaves for the day CHAZ follows him to find out what is going on, and sees him being captured by BRENDI, and taken prisoner.

Act 2:

CHAZ interrogates FILIPP after BRENDI leaves and finds out there is an even bigger terrorist plot to destroy Russia. This is NOT what he signed up for.
However….

CHAZ begins to follow orders and starts to free FILIPP then BRENDI returns and they get into a confrontation with each other.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint:

BRENDI shows up and they get into a heated exchange. She is about to kill him for interfering. CHAZ tells her what he has found out.

Act 3:

BRENDI and CHAZ re-interrogate FILIPP. BRENDI will kill CHAZ if he lets FILIPP go. His sense of morality will not allow him to let this existential terror attack happen to millions of innocent people and destroy the balance of power in the area. CHAZ decides to help BRENDI find out what is going on and stop it if it is really as bad as FILLIP implies. She tells him what has just happened and that FILIPP’s contact is being followed.

Turning Point 3:

CHAZ and BRENDI follow one handler after another and finally find the only one who knows The MONSTR and his plan. They overhear part of the plan and realize they must stop the terrorist plan dropping and exploding the nuke on large Russian city.

Act 4 Climax:

CHAZ and BRENDI (using her Trapeze skills) kill off some of the Ukrainian terrorists and board the plane. CHAZ (using his bomb skills) begins to disarm the bomb while BRENDI finds The MONSTR talking to the pilot in the cockpit. They find out there is a bigger conspiracy behind everything.

Resolution:

CHAZ and BRENDI save the day. CHAZ is promoted (thankfully away from his father and the others who were a bane to his existence at the agency). He is under a new special ops. He will be working with BRENDI to find and infiltrate the larger threat tot he free World.

• This reply was modified 10 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: Formatting

[Susan]

Assignment Mod 3 Lesson 8 Purpose Filled Supporting Characters

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is: The first thing I needed to do was to make a list of all the other characters both supporting and background and then figure out where they show up. It’s complicated because there are so many background characters necessary for the Antagonist’s plans to go forward. I hadn’t even named any of these characters yet. I also know that there will be more characters to come as I need them in the story, but I am not aware of them yet.

1. Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I’m really great at…

Activity: …creating purpose-driven supporting characters.

Done several times during course of this assignment.

2. Tell us your supporting and background characters.

Supporting Characters:

The big shot (Mr. Iago Cinza) who is funding The MONSTR to help him get his terrorist schemes active (He is really in charge, but The MONSTR doesn’t know it).

The MONSTR’s right hand man (Andzhelo?) (the only one who knows everything other than the MONSTR

The MONSTR’s right hand man’s (Andzhelo’s) right hand man (Petro).

FILLIP BRENDI’s Trapeze partner/undercover Ukrainian terrorist mole

FILLIP’s handler (KLOD).

FILLIP’s handler’s handler (Komandyr).

BRENDI’s Boss in FSO (Glavnyy – Chief).

BRENDI’s Boss’ Boss (Bol’shoy Boss = Big Boss)

BRENDI’s Partner (Luka)

CHAZ’S Boss (who is also his father) in the CIA (Cmdr. Rick Kofman)

CHAZ’s Boss’ Boss (Major Joseph James – JoJo).

Background Characters:

The MONSTR’s right hand man’s underlings in general.

All the other underlings under the underlings.

CHAZ’s Boss’ coworkers

The Russian President

The Russian President’s “cabinet”

Russian higher-ups who were around when The MONSTR was with them.

BRENDI’s new partners

Coworkers in Russian Circus

Ringmaster (may wind up being supporting)

People on the street

People in the Restaurant/Bar

People in the vehicles BRENDI smashes and/or terrifies while she’s driving on the road

3. Focusing on those supporting characters, fill in the basic profile for each.

Support 1:

Name: Glavnyy (Chief)

Role: BRENDI’s Boss in FSO

Main purpose: To give BRENDI orders

Value: Someone for BRENDI to obey or disobey, needs acknowledgment from

Support 2:

Name: Bol’shoy Boss (Big Boss)

Role: Big Boss over BRENDI’s Chief and others

Main purpose: Higher up to be watching, giving resources, gives orders, in contact with Russian President etc.

Value: Gives resources, Sees bigger value in BRENDI, BRENDI can obey or disobey, needs acknowledgment from

Support 3:

Name: Piter

Role: BRENDI’s first spy Partner

Main purpose: To get BRENDI to FILIPP’s Hander

Value: Gets killed in first battle, stuns BRENDI and puts her off her game

Support 4:

Name: FILIPP

Role: BRENDI’s Trapeze partner/undercover Unkraine terrorist mole

Main purpose: To get BRENDI involved in the Terrorist plot

Value: Inciting Incident… As first encountered undercover Ukrainian mole he brings BRENDI to the understanding that there is an existential threat to Russia and it’s people, Even though BRENDI had doubts about FILIPP she blames herself for not seeing through his bigger plans sooner,

Support 5:

Name: Cmdr. Rick Kofman

Role: CHAZ’s handler in CIA (also his father)

Main purpose: Give orders

Value: Does not acknowledge CHAZ’s worth, gives him shitty jobs to further his own career, gives CHAZ a wound

Support 6:

Name: Major Joseph James – JoJo).

Main purpose: In charge and responsible for outcome of mission in Russia

Value: Can override CHAZ’s father, give CHAZ the support he needs in the end.

Support 7:

Name: The big shot (Mr. Iago Cinza)

Role: He is funding The MONSTR to help him get his terrorist schemes active

Main purpose: To fund and watch over The MONSTR

Value: Iago is really in charge, but The MONSTR doesn’t know it, he is also part of a larger conspiracy to take over the world.

Support 8:

Name: Andzhelo

Role: The MONSTR’s right hand man (the only one who knows everything other than the MONSTR

Main purpose: To fulfill The MONSTR’s terrorist plots

Value: He keeps everyone else from finding out who the MONSTR is and hiding the bigger terrorist plot.

Support 9:

Name: Petro

Role: Andzhelo’s right hand man

Main purpose: To keep others away from Andzhelo and to mete out and help fulfill diversion terrorist plots

Value: Petro diverts attention away from the main existential terrorist plot

Support 10:

Name: KLOD

Role: FILLIP’s handler

Main purpose: To engage BRENDI and her partner in the chase

Value: To divert attention away from the larger existential terrorist plot, to terrify the audience when he is introduced by his manner

Support 11:

Name: Komandyr

Role: FILLIP’s handler’s (KLOD’s) handler

Main purpose: To carry out orders under Petro

Value: Helps reveal terrorist plots

• This reply was modified 10 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: Formatting

[Susan]

Assignment Mod 3 Lesson 7 Character Profiles Pt 2

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is: I felt this assignment was very complex. I had to go back over previous lessons and piece everything together like a puzzle, upgrading while doing so. I got lost a bunch of times and had to go back and make sure I hit all the questions for each character.

Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: It is so much fun…

Activity: …to discover what is under the surface for my characters.

Done, a few times during this assignment.

For all characters:

Concept: A Russian Trapeze Artist Spy must decide if she should trust an American Sleeper Agent whose country’s exploits magnify the ever increasing existential threat to her people.

Major Story Hook: Her trapeze partner sets her up to take a fall with the Russian police.

Tell us the Character Structure you’ve chosen.

Dramatic Triangle

With each of your lead characters, first tell us the following:

BRENDI – Lead 1 Protagonist: BRENDI Rostovanova/Protagonist

A. The High Concept.

BRENDI’s Logline: Trapeze aerialist turned spy who is working to save innocent Russian lives even if she must disobey orders from her superiors.

B. This Character’s Journey.

BRENDI goes from being a new undercover agent using her life as a Trapeze artist in the Russian Circus to a brilliant field agent who saves Russia and her people.

C. The Actor Attractors for this Character.

She is in great shape and has to do stunts, lots of action especially for a female actor, lead role, charming and gorgeous but at the same time highly intelligent, takes her spy role seriously, Russian patriot who loves her country and people (as well as family), fiercely patriotic, she has very strong motivation to stop the terrorists, she uses her ingenuity to solve problems, she doesn’t just kill everyone she uses pawns to get to the bottom of plots. New spy who gets thrown into the deep end and MUST acclimate or die and fail, she uses her wits as well as her beauty, agility and strength to get what she wants. She goes with her gut instead of listening to her superiors, She drives like a maniac, she can use her sexuality even though she hates doing so, large emotional range from innocent and inexperienced to driven, brave, focused, determined. She needs to prove herself.

Brainstorm these profile components for each character.

Character 1: BRENDI

Brainstorm the first 6 parts of the profile for each of your lead characters.

1. Role in the Story: Protagonist

2. Age range and Description: Late 20’s, Trapeze Artist’s body, Stunning,

3. Core Traits: Wounded, Fiercely Patriotic, Determined, Highly Intelligent, Brave

4. Motivation; Want/Need: BRENDI wants to prove herself to be more than a “pretty face,” she needs to save Russia and her people

5. Wound: BRENDI was not taken seriously an an intellect and planner her entire life due to her agility and sport skills she was trained on the Trapeze and fussed up for her finesse, good looks and great body. She wanted to do more.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: BRENDI is beautiful, a talented Trapeze artist, smart, brave, thinks on her feet,

Relatability: she is trying to be great being a spy even though she is new to it, she is having problems with her work trapeze partner, she is stuck with an unknown person to help with an assignment, she has to go against her superiors, is in competition with CHAZ, is up against a dangerous person, is in a very dangerous world, doesn’t know exactly what the problem is – has to find out.

Empathy: her Trapeze partner almost drops her, her Trapeze partner sets her up, she finds out he is a secret Ukrainian terrorist agent, her secret agent partner is killed in a shootout, she has to work with a CIA agent she is not sure she can trust, she is falling in love with the enemy (CHAZ).

7. Character Subtext:

BRENDI Subtext Logline:

BRENDI is a Russian Undercover Secret Agent who uses schemes, seduction, and plotting to get recognition as a strong, highly proficient spy to boost her moral and stop being taken only as a “pretty face.”

BRENDI takes tremendous risks even though she is a newbie because she must prove herself.

She is conspiring with CHAZ to save Russia and the Russian people.

She is secretly falling for CHAZ.

8. Character Intrigue:

Which of these will give this character more depth and make them more interesting?

Conspiracy: BRENDI is working to be acknowledged above all other Russian agents and is also in competition with agents and villains-terrorists from other countries.

Deception: BRENDI makes plans to take down the terrorists by throwing them off in the wrong direction. She is hiding/imprisoning Filipp against the wishes of her superiors.

9. Flaw:

What is this character’s weakness? The flaw is an internal problem they have that directly affects their actions or abilities. Often, it will be the way they sabotage their own success.

Overdoing things & Poor decision making: Trying to prover herself BRENDI sometimes puts herself and others in unnecessary danger.

That flaw is going to show up any time they are under stress.

Wound: BRENDI’s needing to prove herself because BRENDI was never acknowledged as an intelligent, competent, person growing up, by her family, friends, teachers and mentors. She was only seen as a pretty face and a sports figure.

10. Values:

What this character believes in and cares about. Are honesty and integrity important to them or do they value love and happiness most? List their most prevalent values.

Patriotism, People’s Lives, Family, Duty, Love, Loyalty, Being your best, Intelligence

11. Character (Internal) Dilemma:

These are two opposing parts of a person that cause internal conflict. Sometimes, it is the person’s way of compensating for a fault. Look at each character and ask, “What would be an internal dilemma that would have them vacillate between one extreme and another?”

Wants to save Russia and the Russian people vs Wants to prove herself no matter what.

CHAZ – Lead 2 Antagonist-Protagonist: CHAZ Kofman / Lev Kotov (undercover name) Triangle Character

A. The High Concept.

CHAZ’s Logline: Dissatisfied American undercover Agent working in Russia under orders from his father to stop Russia from dismantling the Ukraine terrorist plan, his great great Grandmother a pogrom escapee Russian Jew.

B. This Character’s Journey.

CHAZ goes from doing what his father wants him to do, to listening to his moral, ethical core and doing what is right – saving millions of Russians/Russia and stopping the destabilization of the area.

C. The Actor Attractors for this Character.

Fit and Strong, Unexpectedly compassionate, Hates being a clown, Disobeys superiors for his moral/ethical code, Helps save the day.

Brainstorm these profile components for each character.

Character 2: CHAZ

Brainstorm the first 6 parts of the profile for each of your lead characters.

1. Role in the Story: Protagonist-Antagonist

2. Age range and Description: Early 30’s, Totally Fit, Can do anything physical, Handsome/Sexy,

3. Core Traits: Compassionate, Highly intelligent, Brave, Highly Ethical/Moral, Pissed Off,

4. Motivation; Want/Need: CHAZ wants to make his CIA father proud, but feels he is constantly put in bad situations just to help his father’s career. He needs to follow his inner core of morality and ethics and become the best and most appreciated agent.

5. Wound: His father never seems to acknowledge when CHAZ does a good job, and continually gives him shitty assignments just to help his own career in the CIA. CHAZ feels invisible, unappreciated, used, angry.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: Handsome, Witty, Extremely Moral and Ethical, brave,

Relatability: Wants to be the one to win the day, he has to go against his superiors, he is a fish out of water in a rival country, is in competition with BRENDI, is up against a dangerous person, doesn’t know exactly what the problem is – has to find out. Fully embraces his “clown-ness” even though he hates doing it.

Empathy: He is disrespected by his own agency, he is a fish out of water, he is falling in love with the enemy (BRENDI).

7. Character Subtext:

Subtext Logline: CHAZ is an undercover CIA agent in the Russian circus who has Russian ancestry, and feels taken advantage of by his superiors, especially his father, so uses his high moral and ethical standards to go completely against their wishes.

Secrets: His Father is running him. He is falling for BRENDI.

Lying/Withholding/Concealing: He is still in contact with the CIA

Being American Hero: He feels like he has to be an American Marvel Superhero to prove he is better than his brother.

Conspiring: CHAZ is conspiring with BRENDI to save Russia and millions of Russian lives.

8. Character Intrigue:

Which of these will give this character more depth and make them more interesting?

Hidden agendas: CHAZ needs to prove himself and overcome the disdain and infantilizing of the department.

Secret: Russian ancestry, great grandmother escaped Jew of Russian pogrom he detests Russia for this, but also has a fondness for the culture and heritage she passed down to him.

Conspiracy: With BRENDI to save Russia and her people.

Deception: He hides the fact that he is assisting BRENDI from his superiors, and he hides the fact that he is still in contact with the CIA from BRENDI.

Unspoken Wound: Treated like an incompetent child by his Father and the CIA, never being taken seriously.

Secret Identity: Clown in Russian Circus.

9. Flaw:

What is this character’s weakness? The flaw is an internal problem they have that directly affects their actions or abilities. Often, it will be the way they sabotage their own success.

Overdoing things: To prove himself

Over-confidence: Thinks of himself like an American Marvel Super Hero

That flaw is going to show up any time they are under stress.

10. Values:

What this character believes in and cares about. Are honesty and integrity important to them or do they value love and happiness most? List their most prevalent values.

Honesty/Integrity/Ethics: CHAZ must do what is right.

Being your best: He must always be his best.

Winning: CHAZ wants to win to prove himself.

11. Character Dilemma:

Being/Doing the right thing vs. Need to be accepted and lauded.

CHAZ must do what is right even though he believes it will not please his father and the others at the CIA who he is trying to please.

CHAZ must follow his ethical compass and help BRENDI save Russia, the balance of power in the area and millions of innocent Russians and not follow his “superiors.”

The MONSTR – Lead 3 Antagonist: Hadeon (hay-dee-in) Borysenko, The MONSTR

A. The High Concept.

Logline: Ukraine terrorist Boss who is known only to two other sleeper agents (one he is running and one who unbeknownst to him is running him), and is the only one who knows his entire plan – to murder millions of Russian innocents and destroy Russia.

B. This Character’s Journey.

Goes from planning several small terror attacks to distract from larger plan, planning nuclear destruction of major Russian city, to losing to BRENDI and CHAZ, and losing his life.

C. The Actor Attractors for this Character.

Playing someone who is literally insane as well as a psychopath and has NPD. Being in excellent physical condition and doing stunts. He is in the shadows, un “unknown” quantity for part of the screenplay we only see parts of him, but never all of him. He is literally insane. He is devious, highly intelligent, and a superb planner. He is always sarcastic and yet gets furious when anyone thinks he is funny.

Brainstorm the first 6 parts of the profile for each of your lead characters.

1. Role in the Story: Antagonist

2. Age range and Description: 40’s, Scarred (including face), thin/wiry agile, wears 3-piece suits as part of his blending in/hiding (not something a terrorist would wear),

3. Core Traits: Determined, Furious, Insane/Vicious, Genius/Superb Planner, Devious,

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to get back at the Russian Government people, and become next Russian President (unlikely/insane idea).

5. Wound: He was part of the Russian higher ups then one of his ideas was x-ed and he and his family we fugitives. His wife and children were murdered. He managed to escape and get in to Ukraine.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: ZERO, audience interest because we hear his voice, but don’t see him

Relatability: He is laughed at when he is sarcastic when he is not trying to be funny. He thinks he is working for himself, but he is really doing someone else’s bidding.

Empathy: ZERO, he is laughed at when he is sarcastic when he is not trying to be funny

Brainstorm these profile components for each character.

7. Character Subtext:

The Monstr Subtext Logline: The MONSTR is an X-Russian, now Ukrainian Terrorist whose bad blood history with Russian power figures fuels his anger which he uses as a go button to action (whether smart or not).

Secret/Withholding/Hiding something: His identity as a former Russian “aristocrat”/politico and his disgrace.

Lying: To all but his top 1 underling, and the man actually running him about the big terror.

Luring: Gathering people to his cause.

Plotting: Smaller terrorist acts to detract and confuse away from the major terror plot.

8. Character Intrigue:

Which of these will give this character more depth and make them more interesting?

Hidden agendas: To get back at the politicos.

Conspiracy: Plotting to destroy Russia completely.

Secrets: His past affiliation with the Russian politicos and how they murdered his family.

Deception: Hiding himself and plotting secretly the big terror using smaller terrors to hide it.

Unspoken Wound: Disgrace and murder of his wife and children.

Secret Identity: He is really an ex-Russian politico.

9. Flaw:

What is this character’s weakness? The flaw is an internal problem they have that directly affects their actions or abilities. Often, it will be the way they sabotage their own success.

Overdoing things: In his insane push to get back at the Russian politicos he is planning to destroy Russia and its people.

Poor decision making: he makes mistakes because he is being run by his anger go button, his seething anger toward the Russian politic.

Over-confidence: His plans are too large, determined to completely destroy Russia.

Says the wrong thing: he hates being laughed at so when he is sarcastic and cohorts chuckle or laugh he becomes furious. He needs to be taken seriously (not how he was by the Russians in power).

That flaw is going to show up any time they are under stress.

10. Values:

What this character believes in and cares about. Are honesty and integrity important to them or do they value love and happiness most? List their most prevalent values.

Family Loyalty, Winning, Revenge: The MONSTR’s love for his murdered family and deep wound push him to Revenge and Winning.

11. Character (Internal) Dilemma:

The MONSTR would love the world to see who is taking down Russia, but he must be behind the scenes in order to carry out his revenge!

• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: Formatting

[Susan]

Assignment Mod 3 Lesson 6 Character Profiles Pt 1

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

I learned how important it is to have this information in order to move forward, and that the previous assignments were a great help in doing this. I also added quite of bit of brand new information.

Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I’m highly motivated…

Activity: …to create engaging character profiles.

Done a few times during course of assignment.

With each of your lead characters, first tell us the following:

For all characters:

Concept: A Russian Trapeze Artist Spy must decide if she should trust an American Sleeper Agent whose country’s exploits magnify the ever increasing existential threat to her people.

Major Story Hook: Her trapeze partner sets her up to take a fall with the Russian police.

Tell us the Character Structure you’ve chosen.

Dramatic Triangle

Lead 1 Protagonist: BRENDI Rostovanova/Protagonist

A. The High Concept.

BRENDI’s Logline: Trapeze aerialist turned spy who is working to save innocent Russian lives even if she must disobey orders from her superiors.

B. This character’s journey.

BRENDI goes from being a new undercover agent using her life as a Trapeze artist in the Russian Circus to a brilliant field agent who saves Russia and her people.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character.

She is in great shape and has to do stunts, lots of action especially for a female actor, lead role, charming and gorgeous but at the same time highly intelligent, takes her spy role seriously, Russian patriot who loves her country and people (as well as family), fiercely patriotic, she has very strong motivation to stop the terrorists, she uses her ingenuity to solve problems, she doesn’t just kill everyone she uses pawns to get to the bottom of plots. New spy who gets thrown into the deep end and MUST acclimate or die and fail, she uses her wits as well as her beauty, agility and strength to get what she wants. She goes with her gut instead of listening to her superiors, She drives like a maniac, she can use her sexuality even though she hates doing so, large emotional range from innocent and inexperienced to driven, brave, focused, determined. She needs to prove herself.

Brainstorm the first 6 parts of the profile for each of your lead characters.

1. Role in the Story: Protagonist

2. Age range and Description: Late 20’s, Trapeze Artist’s body, Stunning,

3. Core Traits: Wounded, Fiercely Patriotic, Determined, Highly Intelligent, Brave

4. Motivation; Want/Need: BRENDI wants to prove herself to be more than a “pretty face,” she needs to save Russia and her people

5. Wound: BRENDI was not taken seriously an an intellect and planner her entire life due to her agility and sport skills she was trained on the Trapeze and fussed up for her finesse, good looks and great body. She wanted to do more.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: BRENDI is beautiful, a talented Trapeze artist, smart, brave, thinks on her feet,

Relatability: she is trying to be great being a spy even though she is new to it, she is having problems with her work trapeze partner, she is stuck with an unknown person to help with an assignment, she has to go against her superiors, is in competition with CHAZ, is up against a dangerous person, is in a very dangerous world, doesn’t know exactly what the problem is – has to find out.

Empathy: her Trapeze partner almost drops her, her Trapeze partner sets her up, she finds out he is a secret Ukrainian terrorist agent, her secret agent partner is killed in a shootout, she has to work with a CIA agent she is not sure she can trust, she is falling in love with the enemy (CHAZ).

Lead 2 Antagonist-Protagonist: CHAZ Kofman / Lev Kotov (undercover name) Triangle Character

A. The High Concept.

CHAZ’s Logline: Dissatisfied American undercover Agent working in Russia under orders from his father to stop Russia from dismantling the Ukraine terrorist plan, his great great Grandmother an escapee Russian Jew.

B. This character’s journey.

CHAZ goes from doing what his father wants him to do, to listening to his moral, ethical core and doing what is right – saving millions of Russians/Russia and stopping the destabilization of the area.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character.

Fit and Strong, Unexpectedly compassionate, Hates being a clown, Disobeys superiors for his moral/ethical code, Helps save the day,

Brainstorm the first 6 parts of the profile for each of your lead characters.

1. Role in the Story: Protagonist-Antagonist

2. Age range and Description: Early 30’s, Totally Fit, Can do anything physical, Handsome/Sexy,

3. Core Traits: Compassionate, Highly intelligent, Brave, Highly Ethical/Moral, Pissed Off,

4. Motivation; Want/Need: CHAZ wants to make his CIA father proud, but feels he is constantly put in bad situations just to help his father’s career. He needs to follow his inner core of morality and ethics and become the best and most appreciated agent.

5. Wound: His father never seems to acknowledge when CHAZ does a good job, and continually gives him shitty assignments just to help his own career in the CIA. CHAZ feels invisible, unappreciated, used, angry.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: Handsome, Witty, Extremely Moral and Ethical, brave,

Relatability: Wants to be the one to win the day, he has to go against his superiors, he is a fish out of water in a rival country, is in competition with BRENDI, is up against a dangerous person, doesn’t know exactly what the problem is – has to find out. Fully embraces his “clown-ness” even though he hates doing it.

Empathy: He is disrespected by his own agency, he is a fish out of water, he is falling in love with the enemy (BRENDI).

Lead 3 Antagonist: Hadeon (hay-dee-in) Borysenko, The MONSTR

A. The High Concept.

Logline: Ukraine terrorist Boss who is known only to two other sleeper agents (one he is running and one who unbeknownst to him is running him), and is the only one who knows his entire plan – to murder millions of Russian innocents and destroy Russia.

B. This character’s journey.

Goes from planning several small terror attacks to distract from larger plan, planning nuclear destruction of major Russian city, to losing to BRENDI and CHAZ, and losing his life.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character.

Brainstorm the first 6 parts of the profile for each of your lead characters.

1. Role in the Story: Antagonist

2. Age range and Description: 40’s, Scarred (including face), thin/wiry agile, wears 3-piece suits as part of his blending in/hiding (not something a terrorist would wear),

3. Core Traits: Determined, Furious, Insane/Vicious, Genius/Superb Planner, Devious,

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to get back at the Russian Government people, and become next Russian President (unlikely/insane idea).

5. Wound: He was part of the Russian higher ups then one of his ideas was x-ed and he and his family we fugitives. His wife and children were murdered. He managed to escape and get in to Ukraine.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likability: ZERO, audience interest because we hear his voice, but don’t see him

Relatability: He is laughed at when he is sarcastic when he is not trying to be funny. He thinks he is working for himself, but he is really doing someone else’s bidding.

Empathy: ZERO, he is laughed at when he is sarcastic when he is not trying to be funny

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting

[Susan]

Assignment Mod 3 Lesson 5 Audience Connect To Characters

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

I thought of some things, but I am sure there is a lot more for me to delve into. There are layers in all of the things we are learning.

Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I have fun…

Activity: …making my characters likable, relatable, and empathetic!

Done more than once during course of the assignment.

Done a few times during process.

2. Brainstorm one or more ways you can present your Protagonist through each of these:

Protagonist: BRENDI

• Likability: BRENDI is beautiful, a talented Trapeze artist, smart, brave, thinks on her feet,

• Relatability: she is trying to be great being a spy even though she is new to it, she is having problems with her work trapeze partner, she is stuck with an unknown person to help with an assignment, she has to go against her superiors, is in competition with CHAZ, is up against a dangerous person, is in a very dangerous world, doesn’t know exactly what the problem is – has to find out.

• Empathy: her Trapeze partner almost drops her, her Trapeze partner sets her up, she finds out he is a secret Ukrainian terrorist agent, her secret agent partner is killed in a shootout, she has to work with a CIA agent she is not sure she can trust, she is falling in love with the enemy (CHAZ).

3. Just to get the experience, give us one or more ways that your Antagonist could be presented through each of these:

Antagonist: The MONSTR

• Likability: ZERO

• Relatability: He is laughed at when he is sarcastic when he is not trying to be funny.

• Empathy: ZERO

Semi-Antagonist: CHAZ

• Likability: Handsome, Witty, Extremely Moral and Ethical, brave,

• Relatability: Wants to be the one to win the day, he has to go against his superiors, he is a fish out of water in a rival country, is in competition with BRENDI, is up against a dangerous person, doesn’t know exactly what the problem is – has to find out.

• Empathy: He is disrespected by his own agency, he is a fish out of water, he is falling in love with the enemy (BRENDI).

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting

[Susan]

Module 3 – Lesson 4: Character Intrigue

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

There is always a way to go even deeper into ones characters, and that a surprise for the writer is an even bigger gain for the audience. Also, that some of the more general ideas I have will be able to be fleshed out during the outline and the writing.

Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I just love discovering…

Activity: …the intrigue of my characters!

Done more than once over course of assignment.

For each of your main characters, use this list to brainstorm one or more Intrigue items that might apply. You don’t need all of them; just one or two.

Character 1 Name: BRENDI

Role: Protagonist

Hidden agendas: BRENDI wants to prove she is superior as a Russian agent, and takes risks and makes plans which might be more for her benefit than the benefit of the outcome.

Competition: She is working to be acknowledged above all other Russian agents and is also in competition with agents and villains-terrorists from other countries.

Conspiracies: BRENDI is working to save her country and people with an American CIA agent. Some of what she is doing is against the wishes of her superiors.

Secrets: BRENDI has Filipp hidden as a prisoner even though she was supposed to kill him. She hates being seen as a “pretty face.” She is falling for CHAZ.

Deception: BRENDI is hiding Filipp against the wishes of her superiors. BRENDI sets up a take down that is based on a lie.

Unspoken Wound: BRENDI was never acknowledged as an intelligent, competent, person growing up, by her family, friends, teachers and mentors. She was only seen as a pretty face and a sports figure.

Secret Identity:

BRENDI is an undercover Russian agent working as a Trapeze artist in the Russian Circus.

Give us an idea of how that character’s subtext might show up in your movie.

She can play her need to prove herself as something other than a pretty trapeze star (what in her history makes this important?). She can seduce CHAZ up until a point to get him more on her side, but then stops when she realizes he really is trying to help her, and she falls for him. She can keep trying to outwit CHAZ with plans. She can rush into danger. She can resist and then use her Trapeze talents to stop the plane with the large nuclear bomb.

Character 2 Name: CHAZ

Role: Protagonist-Antagonist

Hidden agendas: Believes he has a moral and ethical obligation to do the right thing.

Competition: He is in competition with other CIA agents, BRENDI, the MONSTR

Conspiracies: He is conspiring with BRENDI to take down the Ukrainian terrorists against the US CIA orders-wishes.

Secrets: He has Russian ancestry at his great grandmother level who was in a pogrom against Jews and has mixed feelings about Russia, fist hate and disgust for the pogrom against Jews, and second a fondness for the culture from his heritage and things passed down to him.

Deception: He is a secret undercover agent pretending to be a clown in the Russian Circus, he and BRENDI plan deceptive take downs of the different terrorist plots.

Unspoken Wound: His father never took him seriously, only his brother. He feels the same from his superiors in the CIA especially since they made him a literal clown.

Secret Identity: He is an undercover CIA spy working as a clown in the Russian circus.

Give us an idea of how that character’s subtext might show up in your movie.

He might have a tendency to buck authority. He might try and get some small revenge against his workmates (some joke having to do with clowning), he will take big risks to prove himself, he wants the plan to be HIS plan. He will have issues with BRENDI because he is falling for her (sometimes he is very nice – others he is snappy), he can vacillate between US patriotism and saving millions of innocent Russian lives. He can help BRENDI stop the attacks.

Character 3 Name: The MONSTR

Role: Antagonist – Major villain

Hidden agendas: To use a large nuclear weapon to destroy a major city and millions of Russians disrupting Russia, it’s government, its place in the world, and its ability to move forward. To get revenge agains those in power in the Russian government. To enjoy the destruction (he’s insane).

Competition: He is in competition with those in power in the Russian government, with those trying to find out his plan and take him down.

Conspiracies: He is conspiring to blow up a major city in Russia with a large nuclear bomb.

Secrets: He used to be part of the Russian government. His cousin was murdered by the government with polonium.

Deception: He has many cells who are tasked with smaller terror attacks to keep the Russians busy and away from his large goal.

Unspoken Wound: He was thrown out of the Russian government for (reason). His cousin was poisoned with polonium, but he got away before they could get him.

Secret Identity: He is totally in hiding. He is acting as a Ukrainian terrorist. Only his next in line has ANY contact with him at all.

Give us an idea of how that character’s subtext might show up in your movie.

He is working on destroying Russia completely by setting off a large nuclear bomb in a major city.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

My Assignment Mod 3 Lesson 3 Character Subtext

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

Again, I learned that I have so far to go with this, and to use the subtext in the screenplay in specific actions and dialogue for each character as I write.

1. Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I love discovering…

Activity: …the subtext of my characters!

Done, more than once over the course of doing this assignment.

2. With your example movie, give us the following answers for the character with the most subtext:

All the main characters and supporting characters in Casino Royale have subtext.

• Movie Title: Casino Royale (new one)

• Character Name: James Bond 007

• Subtext Identity: Spy-Secret Agent, seducer, competitor, victim, con

• Subtext Trait: Secretive, Slippery, Conspiring, Treacherous, Childhood Trauma Victim (lost both parents)

• Subtext Loglines:

James Bond has a childhood trauma wound and covers it by pretending he doesn’t care about people and being treacherous to the enemy.

James Bond is an MI6 Secret Agent who uses seduction, schemes, and cons to compete with the enemy.

• Possible Areas of Subtext:

James sleeps with married women, James seduces women to get at their lovers-husbands, James plans cons of the enemy and if they backfire he resorts to treachery and extreme violence.

3. For your two leads, brainstorm these answers:

• Character 1 Name: BRENDI

• Subtext Identity: Russian Undercover Secret Agent, Seducer, Competitor

• Subtext Trait: Secretive, Suspicious, Seductive, Scheming, Plots

• Subtext Logline:

BRENDI is a Russian Undercover Secret Agent who uses schemes, seduction, and plotting to get recognition as a strong, highly proficient spy to boost her moral and stop being taken only as a “pretty face.”

• Possible Areas of Subtext:

Anger when she gets high praise for the trapeze, Anger with Filipp because he thinks she is beautiful and loves her as a diva, Gets into difficult and dangerous positions and places she’s not ready for as a newish spy because she is trying to prove herself.

• Character2 Name: CHAZ

• Subtext Identity: Undercover CIA in Russian circus, Russian ancestry great grandmother in pogrom, Highly moral and ethical, competitor, feels taken for granted and invisible to-by superiors

• Subtext Trait: Secretive, plotting, concealing, conspiring,

• Subtext Logline: CHAZ is an undercover CIA agent in the Russian circus who has Russian ancestry, and feels taken advantage of by his superiors so uses his high moral and ethical standards to go completely against their wishes.

CHAZ

• Possible Areas of Subtext:

Being the biggest clown in the ring so he can always be there to see who and what is going on, Helping BRENDI stop the Ukrainian threat, feeling drawn to BRENDI and her cultural resemblance to his great grandmother,

• Character 3 Name: THE MONSTR

• Subtext Identity: Ukrainian Terrorist (a REAL LIFE monster), Criminal, Boss, Spy, Psychopath, NPD, X-Russian… Bad blood history with Russians in power,

• Subtext Trait: Conspiring, Shadow man, Plotting, Hiding, using his anger as a go button, Pissed he actually has to answer to someone, gets furious when anyone laughs at his sarcasm (he doesn’t mean to be or think it’s funny).

• Subtext Logline: The MONSTR is an X-Russian Ukrainian Terrorist whose bad blood history with Russian power figures fuels his anger which he uses as a go button to action (whether smart or not).

• Possible Areas of Subtext:

The MONSTR makes mistakes because he is being run by his anger go button, his seething anger toward the Russian politic for a past wrong makes him determined to completely destroy Russian as a State and destabilize that area of the world, he hates being laughed at so when he is sarcastic and cohorts chuckle or laugh he becomes furious. He needs to be taken seriously (not how he was by the Russians in power).

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting

[Susan]

Module 3 Lesson 2 Roles That Sell Actors

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

That I have a long way to go to get deeper into all these characters.

Today is about applying the Actor Attractors to your lead characters.

1. Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I just love…

Activity: …creating Actor Attractors for my characters!

Done.

2. Once you’ve done that, answer the Actor Attractor questions for your 2 or 3 lead characters. Consider this a first draft.

ACTOR ATTRACTOR TEMPLATE

Lead Character 1 Name: BRENDI

Role: (Protagonist)

What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

She is in fantastic shape as a trapeze deva in the Russian circus. Lots of action and power role for a woman-female actress, Lead role, character is charming and gorgeous but at the same time highly intelligent and even though new at it – takes her spy-intelligence role in the Russian secret service completely seriously. She is a Russian patriot and loves her country and her people (as well as family) so she has very strong motivation to stop the terrorists. She uses her ingenuity to solve problems and doesn’t just go with the flow of kill everyone to get rid of them, but uses the pawns to get to the bottom of the plots.

What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

She is a spy who is also a trapeze artist. She is a new spy who is thrown into the deep end of the water and MUST acclimate or die and fail. She uses her wits as well as her beauty, agility and strength to get what she wants.

What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

She keeps Filipp prisoner instead of killing him. She teams up with the American agent. She goes with her gut instead of listening to her superiors. She drives like a maniac. She uses all the technology at her disposal to help her. She is amazing on the Trapeze and saves herself from falling! She goes along with fake set-up arrest to see what Filipp is up to.

How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

Introduction: her trapeze partner tries to drop her during the circus performance, she manages to stay up. She goes along with the police raid to see what Filipp is up to, she follows Filipp and finds out he is an undercover Ukrainian terrorist agent in league with others to bring Russia to its knees.

What could be this character’s emotional range

She can use her feminine sexuality to control men, while she also hates doing it at the same time. She is fiercely patriotic. She is disgusted when fellow agents are killed and it throws her off, but she has no problem shooting and killing the terrorist agents. She is intense, and at the same time emotionally fragile in the sense that she needs to prove herself and not just be a pretty “star” on the trapeze. She is new to the spy game and is innocent as well as superior at figuring things out.

What subtext can the actor play?

She can play her need to prove herself as something other than a pretty trapeze star (what in her history makes this important?). She can seduce CHAZ up until a point to get him more on her side, but then stops when she realizes he really is trying to help her, and she falls for him.

What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

BRENDI and FILIPP, BRENDI and HANDLER, BRENDI and CHAZ, BRENDI and CHAZ, BRENDI and the MONSTR, BRENDI and person from her history.

How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

BRENDI’S unique voice will be represented through her deep patriotism and her ability to use her physical agility from Trapeze to move through areas, hide, and attack.

What could make this character special and unique?

Her physical abilities, Her fierce patriotism, her ability to use her beauty to seduce men on to her side. Her quick wits. Her need to prove herself as a superior agent.

Lead Character 2 Name: CHAZ

Role: (Protagonist or Antagonist) He is both a possible problem and a help.

What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

He is very fit and strong. He is unexpectedly compassionate. He has Russian roots but is patriot to USA. He doesn’t want innocent people to die. He hates being a clown. He disobeys his superiors. He helps save the day.

What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

He has subtext around his disdain for his undercover role as a clown. He has Russian roots. He is patriot to USA, yet refuses to allow millions of innocents to be murdered. High morals.

What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

He gives up on releasing Filipp. He decides to help BRENDI save millions of Russian innocents against CIA orders. He makes sure he is on “stage” all the time as one of the main clowns who need to bounce in and out before, during and after each circus act. He helps take down the MONSTR.

How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

We find CHAZ interrogating Filipp and about to let him go, but instead becomes partners with BRENDI to help stop the terror.

What could be this character’s emotional range

He is determined, yet flexible. He is angry yet compassionate. He is falling for BRENDI yet keeps his head for the sake of the mission.

What subtext can the actor play?

CHAZ can play up how pissed off he is about being made a clown in the circus ans his cover. He can play off of his Russian ancestry. He can play off of his falling for BRENDI. He can vacillate between USA patriotism and stopping millions of innocent Russians from being murdered and destroying the balance of power in the area.

What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

His relationship with BRENDI, his relationship with his superior, his relationship with Russia.

How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

Through his contrast with the Russians – he is so American. His high moral, and ethical beliefs and actions.

What could make this character special and unique?

His fully encompassing “clownness” even though he hates doing it. His highly ethical and moral behavior contrasted with his superiors.

Lead Character Name: THE MONSTR

Role: (Antagonist)

What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

Playing someone who is literally insane as well as a psychopath and has NPD. Being in excellent physical condition and doing stunts.

What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

He is in the shadows, un “unknown” quantity for part of the screenplay we only see parts of him, but never all of him. He is literally insane. He is devious, highly intelligent, and a superb planner.

What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

He is planning to blow up Moscow-other city-ies with a large nuclear weapon-s.

How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

I have to figure this out, but it will include him speaking to his immediate contact (the only person who knows who he is) and we only see part of him. He also gets angry when he is sarcastic and his contact laughs.

What could be this character’s emotional range

He is always sarcastic and yet gets furious when anyone thinks he is funny

What subtext can the actor play?

I have to figure this out, but he is not Ukrainian (he has another beef with Russia) it could have something to do with the Russian President and some past relationship they had.

What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

His relationship with the Russian President, his relationship with himself, his relationships with those hunting him: BRENDI, CHAZ. His relationship with the person he is actually working for who is using him and his insanity to perpetrate this heinous terrorist crime.

How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

He will be full out insane, a psychopath, npd, totally determined, angry, sarcastic, gets furious when people think his sarcasm is funny.

What could make this character special and unique?

He thinks he is working for himself even though he is being used by someone else for their ends.

Lead Character Name: Will BRENDI’s Supervisor be a main character? Will Filipp become a main character? Will one of CHAZ’s cohorts become a main character-antagonist?

[Susan]

My Assignment Mod 3 Lesson 1 Characters That Sell

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is: The James Bond films have several important characters and even more supporting characters some of whom show up again later in the series. Besides, Bond, Vesper, “M”, and Le Chiffre, Mr White (Jesper Christensen) shows up, and Felix Leiter (Jeffrey Wright), and Rene Mathis (Giancarlo Giannini) show up as well. They become more important in later films in the series and are introduced in this film. Also watching this film I really noticed how each thing that happened was related to the larger thing and the things to come in future films. Since I am also writing a script with a hidden antagonist I think each section should be more than BRENDI and CHAZ chasing the lowerlings down, but that each one of those has some sort of smaller terror to inflict related to the larger terror to come.

1. Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State I have so much fun…
Activity: …discovering what will cause actors to sign onto my movies!
Done!

Movie Title: Casino Royale (new one)

Lead Character Name: James Bond (played by Daniel Craig)

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

The role is exciting. He gets to show off his body, his physical stunts and his emotional range. It is an iconic role.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?

Bond is unpredictable and reckless, but at the same time totally loyal to the UK and “M.”. He is a true patriot and will go to any lengths to save his country. He is OK with killing bad guys. He has amazing physical abilities, mental sharpness, an ability to think ahead, plan and come out victorious. He sees things and patterns others do not see (except maybe M). He pretends not to want a real relationship with a woman and so “dates” married women, but he really does want one. He wants to be loved (related to his subtext of his parents dying while he was young and feeling alone). He has a wide knowledge of international affairs. He gets badly beaten up continuously, but snaps back like a superhero.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?

He keeps going when ordered not to. He finds out M’s name, breaks into her apartment and uses her login and password to get into her system. He has foot chases through dangerous constructions sites, he has to kill multiple bad guys, He tries to save Vesper and still loves her even though she betrayed him. He has to get himself over being poisoned. He is in car chases. He is also in mixed chases: on foot, to top of vehicles to inside vehicles to stopping vehicles. He pins the bomb onto the bad guy. He wins at cards against Le Chiffre. He makes a deal with the CIA guy (Felix). He won’t give up the password no matter what they are doing to him.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

Bond is introduced getting his 2nd kill in order to become a 007 (it looks like a flashback as it is in B&W). Then there is the scene in Madagascar. Bond and another agent are looking for some one while a cobra fights a mongoose. Bond chases the bad guy, gets in a mess at the embassy, the bomb goes off too. Bond chases the bad guy through the jungle, building construction sties, scaffolding, something falls and there is a fiery blast. More and more dangerous part of the construction.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

Huge range for the Bond character: from anger and rage, to heartbreak, loftiness, compassion, love, to disdain. Fearless – or his mission, his subtext is so strong his fear doesn’t matter.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Bond can play the subtext of the abandoned child. He is looking for approval from “M.” He hides his love and disappointment in people with revulsion and anger. Reasons for interrogations. His relationship with “M” is like a mother/son one.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

The most interesting relationship Bond has is with “M.” They have a love-disappointment-appreciation relationship and Bond craves “M”’s approval. “M” wants Bond to become the best agent he can be. She nurtures him while at the same time giving him lists of all the things he does wrong. But she’s not there when he has to kill people – it’s either them or him.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?

Bond is presented as a person who is totally patriotic and will do anything to preserve his country and win. He is really compassionate and passionate, but hides it behind a veneer of coolness and aloofness. He is exceptional in every way as an agent. There is really nothing he can’t do. He springs back after fights including after being poisoned and having his heart stop. He’s reckless but to a purpose. He is always spying/scheming ways to get deeper into the mystery and solve it like ONLY he can. He sees things & connections no one else appears to be making.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

He is exceptionally smart. He can see through people. He can anticipate most issues. He is fast on his feet and a quick thinker and analyzer. He is a real detective. He denies it, but would rather be in love than just fool around. He is completely loyal to “M” & Britain.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)

Bond goes through the entire embassy thing and then breaks into “M”’s apartment and uses her log in to get information to keep going and investigating. The banter between “M” and Bond in that part of the sequence is amazing. She is constantly testing him, and he mostly knows it.

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting

[Susan]

My Assignment Module 2 Lesson 6 Build In Genre

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

I already put in a lot of the Thriller conventions while doing the initial 4-Act structure, but there is so much more to add, I’ve barely skimmed the surface.

Like you saw in the example above, build the genre conventions into your 4-Act structure.

Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I’m completely confident…

Activity: …building genre conventions into my structure.

Tell us the following:

Title: Circus Of Spies

Concept: A Russian Trapeze Artist Spy must decide if she should trust an American Sleeper Agent whose country’s exploits magnify the ever increasing existential threat to her people.

Genre: Spy Thriller

Make a list of the conventions for your chosen genre, like this:

CONVENTIONS OF THRILLERS

PURPOSE: To thrill your audience with high stakes, plot twists, and
suspense that never lets up until the adrenalin packed climax.

LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS. They face danger at every step – either
physically, emotionally, or mentally. The hero needs to either be in danger
or there is the implication of future danger.

MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE: There's a mystery that must be solved in
order to survive. Intrigue is the underhanded and covert Villain’s plan.
Suspense comes from the danger the Hero faces.

HERO: Unknowing, unwitting, but resourceful hero

VILLAIN: Dangerous, devious, and unrelenting. Committed to destroy
anyone who gets in their way.

MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, anticipation,
uncertainty, and surprise.

Brainstorm ways to deliver the conventions more effectively and build those parts into your 4-Act Structure.

Open with high stakes and suspense. BRENDI is in danger on the Trapeze and from FILIPP.

Suspense plot twists as her Trapeze partner turns her into the Russian police.

Plot twist as he is found out to be an undercover Ukrainian agent.

Suspense and Plot twist and reveal as he is meeting with his handler who is another embedded Ukrainian terrorist agent previously unknown to the FSO.

Even with a net, falling from the Trapeze incorrectly or missing the net could be life ending.

Questioning FILIPP is suspenseful, and he keeps telling her she is the only woman he has ever loved, but the Russians murdered his brother.

BRENDI is tasked with killing FILIPP, but BRENDI disobeys she believes she can get more information out of FILIPP.

Meeting her FSO partner and following Filipp’s HANDLER after their meeting is suspenseful and filled with danger for BRENDI and her FSO partner.

FSO partner gets shot and BRENDI has to quickly disappear, it is also a plot twist since she is now alone. She calls for backup to continue to monitor Filipp’s HANDLER.

Going back to question FILIPP again and finding the Circus clown there interrogating him and trying to untie him is a plot twist and suspenseful and her life is in danger as well.

Mystery who is the HANDLER?, why is the Circus clown with Filipp?, Who is behind the terrorist plan and what exactly is it? How can it be stopped?

Fast car race to get to the place where the Monstr’s underling is.

List your structure from Lesson 6 along with the improvements that come from the Genre Conventions, like I did above.

Act 1:

Opening:

BRENDI and her Trapeze partner are at the Russian Circus. He almost drops her into the net during the performance (which could still be life ending if she falls incorrectly or misses the net altogether) – he is trying to start a big fight with her so he can disappear. It is only due to her strength and agility that she manages to stay up and then finishes this shortened performance. She tells the ringmaster Filipp must have injured his arm and the doctor should take a look at it. Filipp overhears this and worried, tells the Ringmaster he is fine, no doctor. While back in their dressing room fighting about Filipp’s weird behavior lately, the Russian police show up and BRENDI is arrested. Fillip has made up lies about her, he is just trying to get rid of her so he can go to a meeting with his Ukrainian handler without anyone knowing and she has been too nosey lately about his many disappearances from their apartment. BRENDI is in danger.

Inciting Incident:

BRENDI is suspicious of what happened with Filipp, and is he really an imbedded spy in the Circus. She watches from the Police car as Filipp runs from the circus in his costume in the snow and they follow him to the meeting. Using technology they listen to his conversation which turns out to be a previously unknown plan to destroy Russia. REVEAL: BRENDI realizes Filipp is a Ukrainian undercover spy.

Turning Point:

BRENDI calls her handler from the car during the meeting to let him know there is a plan to destroy Russia by the Ukrainians, he contacts his superiors and BRENDI is put on the case all in a matter of minutes. She must now use her newly acquired intelligence training to get to the bottom of it. She is told to follow Filipp’s handler. Others are watching Filipp to see what he will do next. She does but he goes home and not to another meeting. At least she now knows where he lives. She gets more agents to watch and follow him.

Act 2:

New plan:

Suspense, plot twist BRENDI is tasked with killing FILIPP, but BRENDI disobeys she believes she can get more information out of FILIPP. BRENDI drugs and kidnaps Filipp and questions him in a secluded underground lair. When he awakes he tries to get his weapon and he tries to get free. He doesn’t know much, except who his handler is and that the top guy is out to destroy Russia which he is delirious about, he is out for revenge for the death of his brother in the Ukraine/Russia war. BRENDI uses scary techniques (she pulls out hairs from his mustache, etc.) to get information out of FILIPP. He keeps telling BRENDI she is the only woman he has ever loved. She should let him go. She laughs and spits on him.

Plan in action:

BRENDI gets news on Filipp’s handler and she and a comrade continue to follow and listen to Filipp’s handler. She now has another connection, but it is still not the main perpetrator. She calls in for backup to spy on the next link in the chain. There is a shootout outside the building and her spy partner is shot, so she is now alone. She waits for back up and then rushes back to where she is holding Filipp. Meeting her FSO partner and following Filipp’s HANDLER after their meeting is suspenseful and filled with danger for BRENDI and her FSO partner. Plot twist, Suspense, Life and Death: FSO partner gets shot and BRENDI has to quickly disappear, it is also a plot twist since she is now alone. She calls for backup to continue to monitor Filipp’s HANDLER.

Midpoint Turning Point:

REVEAL to BRENDI’s state of mind. When BRENDI arrives back to where Filipp is being held, she is incredibly shaken by the death of her colleague. Mystery, suspense, plot twist: Another man is in the room questioning Filipp and trying to untie him. DANGER! Suspense! She pulls her weapon on him. He turns around slowly. He is one of the Clowns from the Circus – REVEAL: an American who was sent to interfere with Russia stopping the terror attack. The American CIA has embedded him. She waits to shoot. What are you doing here? He explains he had no idea of the existential threat to Russia, the US just thought it was a simple terror attack – like blowing up the President’s car (BRENDI horrified another character reveal… is that a small thing?). CHAZ is supposed to let Filipp go though. BRENDI is supposed to kill Filipp. Suspense: She will not let Filipp go – will there be a fight? A shootout? CHAZ must accept he cannot free FIlipp. CHAZ offers to help BRENDI even though it goes against his countries wishes.

REVEAL, BRENDI wants to know why CHAZ is helping her? CHAZ cannot abide the death millions of innocent people. He has Russian ancestry and complicated feelings about Russia. They leave Filipp there. He can be put on trial later. SUSPENSE, MYSTERY: BRENDI doesn’t know if she can trust the American or if he will work against her and the innocent Russian people.

Act 3:

Rethink everything:

Every person they find is only a link in the chain. The true perpetrator is hidden behind a wall of deception. How do they find out exactly what he is up to and who he is to put him out of action and stop the existential threat? They are both frustrated and spill their guts to each other which leads to an almost sexual encounter which both stop in time deciding it would interfere with the mission.

New plan:

They follow the next person in the chain. He hides in a warehouse and has a phone conversation with his handler who is in touch with the main guy in which they discuss blowing up a major city in Russia with a nuclear weapon. BRENDI and CHAZ triangulate the calls and find the right hand man to the main perpetrator, but he was given his walking orders – he is no longer needed. He smashes his phone BRENDI has comrades follow the warehouse guy anyway.

Fast car race to get to the place where the Ukrainian agent is. She and CHAZ rush by vehicle high speed, dodging traffic as they go causing accidents and almost killing pedestrians, to the spot where the handler is supposed to be.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift:

When they arrive it is in the middle of a busy street with many restaurants and all kinds of stores and hundreds of people. They cannot locate the underling of the Monstr who is the next in line guy no matter how much they try.

Then suddenly the phone they were zoomed in on is active again. They follow the Ukrainian spy to his meeting with the main perpetrator – the Monstr.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:

BRENDI and CHAZ find the Monstr, figure out his complete plan, fight him and his henchmen, and stop the nuclear devastation just in time.

Resolution:

BRENDI is a top agent. She has prevented the extermination of millions of innocent Russian lives which would have also destroyed Russia as a country. She receives Russia’s highest honors (privately/secretly of course).

She is embedded in Cirque du Soleil in the US to continue to work with Chaz Kofman who will work at one of the hotels, to search out and destroy Chinese spies who are working to destroy both Russia and the United States.

(Note to self: Possible … another story? and go to banquets etc. as much valued performers. Are the Chinese spies in league with the Mafia in Las Vegas? What about the Russian Mafia in NYC? – where else have they settled?)

ANOTHER NOTE TO SELF! Set up a deep subtext need for BRENDI and the other main characters that begins to get fulfilled during the film and is finally fulfilled at the end!

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting

[Susan]

My Assignment Module 2 Lesson 4 Transformational Structure

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

I really have such a far way to go to get more detail into the outline. This is really only a small sketch.

Create a first draft of your 4 Act Transformational Structure.

Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I feel completely confident…

Activity: …creating the structure of my story.

DONE! It feels good.

2. Give us the following:

Concept

A Russian Trapeze Artist Spy must decide if she should trust an American Sleeper Agent whose country’s exploits magnify the ever increasing existential threat to her people.

Main Conflict

BRENDI finding out and stopping the existential threat to Russia and her people

Old Ways

BRENDI was unhappy only being a trapeze performer and a pretty face. She is tired of being undercover in the Circus and waiting to be put into action.

New Ways

BRENDI relishes and celebrates the acknowledgment of her superiors for her spy skills instead of only being a performer.

Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.

Act 1:

Opening:

BRENDI and her Trapeze partner are at the Russian Circus. He almost drops her into the net during the performance – he is trying to start a big fight with her so he can disappear. It is only due to her strength and agility that she manages to stay up and then finishes this shortened performance. She tells the ringmaster Filipp must have injured his arm and the doctor should take a look at it. While back in their dressing room fighting about Filipp’s weird behavior lately, the Russian police show up and BRENDI is arrested. Fillip has made up lies about her, he is just trying to get rid of her so he can go to a meeting with his Ukrainian handler without anyone knowing and she has been too nosey lately about his disappearances.

Inciting Incident:

BRENDI is suspicious of what happened with Filipp, and is really an imbedded spy in the Circus. She watches from the Police car as Filipp runs from the circus in his costume in the snow and they follow him to the meeting. Using technology they listen to his conversation which turns out to be a previously unknown plan to destroy Russia. BRENDI realizes Filipp is a Ukrainian undercover spy.

Turning Point:

BRENDI calls her handler from the car during the meeting to let him know there is a plan to destroy Russia by the Ukrainians, he contacts his superiors and BRENDI is put on the case all in a matter of minutes. She must now use her newly acquired intelligence training to get to the bottom of it. She is told to follow Filipp’s handler. She does but he goes home and not to another meeting. At least she now knows where he lives. She gets more agents to watch and follow him.

Act 2:

New plan:

BRENDI kidnaps Filipp and questions him. He doesn’t know anything except who his handler is and that the top guy is out to destroy Russia which he is delirious about, he is just out for revenge for the death of his brother in the Ukraine/Russia war.

Plan in action:

BRENDI gets news on Filipp’s handler and she and a comrade continue to follow and listen to Filipp’s handler. She now has another connection, but it is still not the main perpetrator. She calls in for backup to spy on the next link in the chain. There is a shootout outside the building and her spy partner is shot, so she is now alone. She waits for back up and then rushes back to where she is holding Filipp.

Midpoint Turning Point:

When BRENDI arrives back to where Filipp is being held, she is shaken from the death of her colleague. Another man is in the room questioning Filipp and untying him. She pulls her weapon on him. He is one of the Clowns from the Circus – an American who was sent to interfere with Russia stopping the terror attack. The American CIA has embedded him. She waits to shoot. What are you doing here? He explains he had no idea the existential threat to Russia, the US just thought it was a simple terror attack – like blowing up the President’s car (BRENDI… is that a small thing?). CHAZ is supposed to let Filipp go though. BRENDI is supposed to kill Filipp. She will not let Filipp go he must accept that. CHAZ offers to help BRENDI against his countries wishes. They leave Filipp there. He can be put on trial later. BRENDI doesn’t know if she can trust the American or if he will work against her and the innocent Russian people .

Act 3:

Rethink everything:

Every person they find is only a link in the chain. The true perpetrator is hidden behind a wall of deception. How do they find out exactly what he is up to and who he is to put him out of action and stop the existential threat? They are both frustrated and spill their guts to each other which leads to an almost sexual encounter which both stop in time deciding it would interfere with the mission.

New plan:

They follow the next person in the chain. He hides in a warehouse and has a phone conversation with his handler who is in touch with the main guy in which they discuss blowing up a major city in Russia with a nuclear weapon. BRENDI and CHAZ triangulate the calls and find the right hand man to the main perpetrator, but he was given his walking orders – he is no longer needed. He smashes his phone BRENDI has comrades follow the warehouse guy anyway while she and CHAZ rush by vehicle high speed, dodging traffic as they go causing accidents and almost killing pedestrians, to the spot where the handler is supposed to be.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift:

When they arrive it is in the middle of a busy street with many restaurants and all kinds of stores and hundreds of people. They cannot locate the next in line guy no matter how much they try.

Then suddenly the phone they were zoomed in on is active again. They follow the Ukrainian spy to his meeting with the main perpetrator.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:

BRENDI and CHAZ find the Monstr, figure out his complete plan, fight him and his henchmen, and stop the nuclear devastation just in time.

Resolution:

BRENDI is a top agent. She has prevented the extermination of millions of innocent Russian lives which would have also destroyed Russia as a country. She receives Russia’s highest honors (privately/secretly of course).

She is embedded in Cirque du Soleil in the US to continue to work with Chaz Kofman who will work at one of the hotels, to search out and destroy Chinese spies who are working to destroy both Russia and the United States.

(Note to self: Possible … another story? and go to banquets etc. as much valued performers. Are the Chinese spies in league with the Mafia in Las Vegas? What about the Russian Mafia in NYC? – where else have they settled?)

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting

[Susan]

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

“What I learned from doing this assignment is…?”

This assignment not only helped me with subtext, but also getting clearer about conflicts in the story.

Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

• State: I absolutely love…

• Activity: …creating the story beneath the surface!

DONE!

Tell us your concept and your choice of one or two of these Subtext Plots.

Give us a few sentences on how your Subtext Plot will play out inside this story.

Someone Hides Who They Are:

Many characters begin by hiding who they are: BRENDI, her Trapeze partner Filipp, Chaz, and Hadeon, the Monstr (who is hiding until the end).

Superior Position:

Hadeon, the Monstr knows what is happening and to differing degrees the other characters and even the audience (up until a point) doesn’t know what he is up to.

Competitive Agendas:

BRENDI has an opposing agenda to Filipp who wants to destroy Russia out of vengeance, she also has an opposing agenda to Chaz who is run by the Americans (who want to help Ukraine), to her superiors who don’t want her to keep Filipp alive, and to Hadeon who wants to destroy Russia completely.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting

[Susan]

My Assignment Module 2 Lesson 3 – Transformational Journey

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

That it is not only a one time thing to make decisions in this area and that I will need to update it as I go along.

Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

• State: I’m completely capable…

• Activity: …at designing a great transformational journey for my Protagonist!

DONE!

Arc Beginning: BRENDI – lower echelon spy with the FSB in Russia. She is a trapeze aerialist with the Russian Circus. She was recruited because the “chatter” pointed to other countries’ assets hiding as Circus performers. She is excited by this because she loves her country and her people and wants to help. She also wants to prove she is more than an aerialist and a “pretty face.”

Arc Ending: BRENDI is a top agent. She has prevented the extermination of millions of innocent Russian lives which would have also destroyed Russia as a country. She receives Russia’s highest honors (privately/secretly of course). She is embedded in Cirque du Soleil in the US to continue to work with Chaz Kofman and go to banquets etc. to search out and destroy Chinese spies who are working to destroy both Russia and the United States. (another story? Are the Chinese spies in league with the Mafia in Las Vegas? What about the Russian Mafia in NYC? – where else have they settled?)

Give us their Internal/External Journey.

Internal Journey: BRENDI goes from not feeling happy with her life and how she is living it to experiencing excitement and fulfillment.

External Journey: BRENDI goes from being an embedded low-level trapeze artist in the Russian Circus to being a top-level agent who is respected by her superiors.

Tell us their Old Ways at the beginning of the movie and their New Ways at the end.

Old Ways: BENDI was unhappy only being a trapeze performer.

New Ways: BRENDI relishes and celebrates the acknowledgment of her superiors for her spy skills instead of only being a performer.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting

[Susan]

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

Understanding the relationships between the characters helps to form character needs for uniqueness and traits.

Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I am completely committed to…

Activity: …having my lead characters deliver powerfully on my concept.

Done.

Give us a logline (one sentence answer) for your protagonist, antagonist, and triangle character (if you have one) to the question, “What makes this character fit my concept and title powerfully?” And tell us what makes each of these characters unique.

Character 1 Brendi Rostovanova/Protagonist

Logline: Trapeze aerialist turned spy who is working to save innocent Russian lives even if she must disobey orders from her superiors.

Unique: Trapeze aerialist in the Russian Circus who is also an undercover agent, She has a deep love for her people and her country. Saving millions of innocent Russian people is more important to her than obeying her superiors. She is stunningly beautiful almost all men fall madly in love with her.

Character 2 Hadeon (Hay-dee-in) Borysenko (Also known as the monstr) / Antagonist

Logline: Ukraine terrorist Boss who is known only to two other sleeper agents, and is the only one who knows his entire plan – to murder millions of Russian innocents and destroy Russia.

Unique: A Genius Ukrainian Terrorist who keeps his plans to himself, Considers himself the be the next shoe-in President of the Ukraine, Vicious, Uncompromising, Sarcastic but humorless. Gets pissed off when others find him amusing.

Character 3: Chaz Kofman / Lev Kotov Triangle Character

Logline: Dissatisfied American undercover Agent working in Russia under orders to stop Russia from dismantling the Ukraine terrorist plan.

Unique: Pissed at his superiors for making him play a Clown in the Russian Circus, American Sleeper Agent, Has both good and bad feelings / ties to Russia (his great great Grandmother an escapee Russian Jew), thinks for himself, deep sense of what is right and wrong, Lonely, Compassionate, Amazing Spy.

Additional Character 4: Filipp Kazak is Brendi’s Trapeze partner and Ukrainian sleeper agent/terrorist bent on revenge.

Unique: Mole Ukrainian Terrorist Spy, Trapeze Artist, Bent on Revenge for the death of his brother and other family members.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: Formatting
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

I posted responses for both Carole and Michael on Lesson 1.

[Susan]

My Vision: I am an amazing writer who has fun every day, is recognized by the industry for my ability to take audiences who love me through surprising experiences, and who has multiple successful movies produced while being highly paid.

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

I learned that I’m almost always thinking in Dramatic Triangles, and was surprised that this is the case.

Start this assignment by empowering yourself using our State-To-Activity empowerment process.

State: I am really good at…
Activity: …creating an outline that turns into an amazing story!
Done.

Post your Title, and Concept to claim ownership of it.

Title: Circus of Spies

Concept: A Russian Trapeze Artist Spy must decide if she should trust an American Sleeper Agent whose country’s exploits magnify the ever increasing existential threat to her people.

Major Story Hook: Her trapeze partner sets her up to take a fall with the Russian police.

Tell us the Character Structure you’ve chosen.

Dramatic Triangle

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Susan McClary, I AGREE to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Susan]

Hey I’m Susan.

I’ve finished one full length screenplay, and a number of short screenplays.

I plan to finish a brand new screenplay that is wonderful, surprising, professional, and industry ready.

Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you?

I have a degree in computer science (it’s old like I am), I’m an armchair physicist and have my own theory of everything, and I have some “super” senses… hearing, tasting, smelling (each of which can be useful as well as problematic).

[Susan]

Susan McClary

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Susan]

Ali – Undiluted Truth Monologue

Watch 1st time for:

The quality of this monologue. The level of emotion and the character’s truth.
I’m not sure what you mean by quality so I’m guessing you mean a few things like true to the facts for the person Muhammed Ali, placed well in the film so it is really a representation of what happened – a breakthrough for him and for the country at the time and therefore for the audience, and well written. It is definitely a true representation of Muhammed Ali and his feelings about the situation as I watched him on television going through all this at the time and saw the persecution he was under as well as his reactions. I can’t find him saying this actual speech, but the speech is true in the sense that more than one group of people were not given their civil rights or their religious rights in this country at the time. Religious persecution has actually gotten worse over time and many religious groups are not being given their religious rights in this country even now. This includes Christians and Jews. Although I did not, and do not agree with the Nation of Islam teachings for Black people to have a separate nation, and their other tactics and beliefs, the pressure that the Civil Rights Movement from other quarters put the country under at the time was necessary and profound. The speech is also true on another level. It was not only the boxing commission and the government, and the press who were refusing to support Ali – it was also a huge portion of the country who did not believe in conscientious objection to fighting in a war. The government prosecuted Ali more than anyone for this to make an example of him because he was well known and outspoken, as they obviously didn’t want him being able to go free to encourage other conscientious objectors to follow in his footsteps. There was huge dissent against the Vietnam War by the very people who were being drafted to fight in it. Ali took on the government, and public opinion in the US and the World doing what he did. The monologue shows him as being clear in his beliefs, strong, decisive, extremely disappointed, angry but not hateful. This is important. The emotional level is extremely high during this monologue. Ali is going through many feelings at once, and expresses them clearly and intensely in a way that almost anyone could understand including those who did not agree with him.

Watch 2nd time for:

What drama is this scene built around?
The drama is built around Ali being asked for an apology to go against everything he believes in. He is confronted by the press who have not been supporting him.

What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in this character’s words and actions?
Right Character: At the time Ali was the right high profile person to bring conscientious objection to the draft all the way to the Supreme Court. He was high profile, expressed his feelings well and with relative calm, in order to be understood.
Traits: Hurt, Disappointed, Clear, Strong, Decisive, Determined
Secret: ?
Wound: Ali is deeply disappointed in those who should be supporting him.
Future: The scene/monologue show how the fight is going to continue.

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

What makes this character great from a writing perspective.
The strength of the person’s beliefs and how he has to fight for them make him a good choice to write.
Rethink or create a scene for your script using your new insights and rewrite that scene/character.
I’m not working on anything now where any of my characters in under this type of pressure. In IPCT I might be able to have GG do a monologue talking to the pets about how he is misunderstood by everyone, including them.

[Susan]

Meet the Parents Uncomfortable Moments

Watch 1st time for:
How many ways is this character made uncomfortable?
Gregg is made uncomfortable 1st by just seeing all the stuff that his father in law has in his little nook of spy craft at night while he is in his pajamas. Then his father in law shows up demanding what he is doing there (at least he has a robe over his pajamas), and he wants to know if he found anything interesting? He says he notices Gregg looking at the antique polygraph machine. Then decides for Greg that Greg has found something interesting and he’ll show him what it is by putting the cuff on. Gregg declines, but his future FIL gets pushy. Then he says why not you’ve got nothing to hide (Gregg does). Then he puts the lie detector cuff on Gregg and starts testing him with more and more uncomfortable questions! 1St – Gregg sees stuff that makes him think and is uncomfortable, 2nd – his father in law show up which is uncomfortable for him to just be with him, 3rd – his father in law starts questioning him about his whereabouts, 4th his father in law says it’s OK he is there (which Gregg knows is BS) 5th his father in law starts questioning him about what he sees there with continuing intensity, 6th – Gregg’s father in law puts the cuff on him, 7th FIL says nothing to worry about because you’re not a liar right putting Gregg in a very difficult position since he is hiding something? 8th FIL starts questioning Gregg with more and more intensity, and about more delicate matters (including sexual) each question making him more and more uncomfortable.

How does this put him in a weak position?
Gregg is in his FIL’s personal space and should not be there. He is in only his pjs while his future FIL at least has a robe. He feels like he can’t leave and just refuse the lie detector because his FIL is a bit crazy and he is sort of terrified of him and doesn’t want to get hurt, or in any way disturb his relationship with his fiance or her family before the wedding, Gregg is hiding something that he (and his fiance) doesn’t want his FIL to know. Were the pjs written into the script or was that direction? Think about putting how character’s are dressed e.g. if they are dressed suitably for the situation, if one is more upscale than other into the script.

Watch 2nd time for:
What drama is this scene built around?
The drama is built around Gregg needing to hide something and his future FIL trying to find out what it is.

What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

Gregg Focker:
Right Character: Gregg is the right character because he is afraid of his FIL, he is not a good liar, he has something to hide, and he loves he fiance.
Traits: Good natured, determined/committed, snoop, suspicious, Adores fiance, Naive.
Secret: Hiding things about himself and his fiance from her father.
Wound: He was made fun of a lot.
Future: The scene shows the continuing duel between Gregg and Jack in this film and the sequels.

Future FIL Jack Burnes:
Right Character: The future FIL
Traits: Suspicious, Spy, Manipulative, Dictatorial, Loves his family, Controlling
Secret: He is spying on Gregg
Wound: He’s retired and it hurts
Future: The scene shows the continuing duel between Gregg and Jack in this film and the sequels.

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

What makes this character great from a writing perspective.

Gregg:
He is so naive compared to everything else that is going on with Jack and the script in general that he is constantly being tested and has to wise up.
Part of why Gregg’s character is so good is the actor, his facial and other bodily expressions, tones of voice etc.. Some of this may have been written into the script, but who knows if you don’t read the script. Otherwise it is acting and direction – so good idea to write some into the script because you never know who will be in it.

Future FIL Jack:
He is a retired spy who just can’t help himself to continue spying. He has to be in control all the time of everyone’s lives, he is looking for a reason to get his daughter and Gregg to break up. So Jack has to keep on doing his dastardly deeds and pushing Gregg to his limits throughout this film and the sequels.

Rethink or create a scene for your script using your new insights and rewrite that scene/character.
Check scene of Violetta and Boldo in MCSRM when she is questioning him to see if she can make him even more uncomfortable, and he can be dressed even more uncomfortably (he already has breakfast all over himself).
Scene in IPCT Flashback with GG and X where she is berating him, intensify and make him even more uncomfortable (she’s a master manipulator anyway).

[Susan]

Good Will Hunting – I will end you.

Watch 1st time for:

What is the build up to this breaking point?

Will is purposefully looking for anything that could piss off his newest therapist. Nothing bothers him until Will disrespects his wife (because Sean – Robin Williams character has a deep wound over her death from cancer).

How is Will able to get to Sean and what reaction does it cause?

Will brings out a wound in Sean about his wife’s death by making it appear as if she was anything but pure.

Watch 2nd time for:

What drama is this scene built around?

The scene is built around the drama/tension of Will trying to get out of his required therapy by a build up to a breaking point, and Sean as the therapist actually trying to help him. But Will gets it wrong and has to realize later that the skills he thinks he has to read people are not as reliable as he thinks they are, and he can easily misinterpret things.

What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

Will:

Right character: Will is the right character for this scene because his wounds and secrets clash with a specific wound that Sean has.

Character traits: Full of himself/low self-esteem, Angry, Mean, Insightful/Able to Pick people apart, Misinterpreter, Wounded. None of his good traits are shown in this scene.

Secret: Will is afraid that if anyone finds out who he is they won’t like him/want to be with him/or respect him in any way. He thinks he is worth less because he isn’t an elitist.

Wound: He has been intensely emotionally, physically and mentally abused by different foster parents.

Future: He is living into his future of actually having to face his pain and fears and makes changes and heal in order to be content.

Sean:

Right character: Sean is the right character because his inner strength which enables him to live past his wound is also what makes him able to deal with Will. He understands human behavior better than Will.

Character traits: Caring, Wounded, Strong (physically, emotionally and mentally), Deep understanding of human behavior, Angry.

Secret: He wants to kill himself every day.

Wound: His wife died of cancer and he suffered through every second of seeing her suffer. And it is even worse now that she is gone. His heart is broken.

Future: His relationship with Will, will test Sean and he will have to become even stronger and heal his own inner wounds.

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

What makes this character great from a writing perspective.

Will: Will is so complex and has so many opposing factors in his personality and life, as well as wounds that need to be healed that he has enormous potential to grow and change, and also to create severe conflict and pain.

Sean: Sean is also a complex character. His wound is with him 24 hours a day and everything he does is expressed through this wound until he is able to change and live again.

Rethink or create a scene for your script using your new insights and rewrite that scene/character.

It would be funny in MCSRM to have the Drake get pushed to extreme limits even though this is a comedy of errors. It is a slow boil for him, however I could definitely include an explosive comedic breaking point probably with his dogs because he wouldn’t be able to express himself like that with anyone else. Also there can be more funny build ups with him saying and doing weird things/behaving oddly with Violetta and the Cook.

This all goes back to bringing the emotional level of what I am writing to an extreme pitch at least in some scene/s.

[Susan]

The Walking Dead

Watch 1st time for:

• How was this value (forced to violate their own values) shown?

The value of caring for the public (especially children/little girls) and never harming them was forced to be violated when the little girl turned out to be a zombie and was about to take a bite out of him!

• What caused him to violate the value and what were the consequences?

The little girl was a zombie and was going to eat him.

Watch 2nd time for:

• What drama is this scene built around?

The drama is suspense, not knowing if the girl is OK or a zombie (but we do know) and whether or not the ranger will shoot her before she can get him.

• What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

Ranger:

Character Traits: Caring, Desperate, Determined to Live,

Secret: ?

Wound: He already lost family, maybe a little girl

Future: He is going to have to kill a lot more people and probably a lot more children.

Little Zombie Girl:

Character Traits: Nostalgic, Needy, Ferocious,

Secret: Guess what?! She’s a ZOMBIE!

Wound: She lost everyone she loves and needs her Teddy Bear

Future: Duh, she’s finally REALLY dead.

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

What makes this character great from a writing perspective.

Ranger: He WANTS to believe there is still a sweet little girl left in the world. It makes us like him because we wish the same.

The Little Girl Zombie: Even the worst monster has emotional needs and support.

Rethink or create a scene for your script using your new insights and rewrite that scene/character.

Give Boldo in MCSRM ONE thing to like him for.

In IPCT bring G.G. to the Brink which forces him NOT to be a nice guy in that moment.

[Susan]

Great film. Here’s another clip at the jailhouse. What comedy dialogue should be!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-FvDteymnM&list=PLZbXA4lyCtqqbcPsi6SmHaI3ozZW97xAE

[Susan]

My Cousin Vinny

Watch 1st time for:

• How is she tested and how does it build to an emotional moment?

She is being tested both by if she is an expert witness with her credentials, and proving she is an expert by what she DOES know in General knowledge about cars. It builds to emotional moment because the question the prosecution asks is unanswerable and that pisses her off. Then she explains why and is accepted as an expert witness.

• What is the result of the test?

She is accepted and respected, (and not only in this scene, but later there is victory – the guys get off free). This is one of my favorite films of all time!

Watch 2nd time for:

• What drama is this scene built around?

Tension around if she will be accepted and her expertise will be accepted. Will the guys (who are out of their minds with fear) have to go to jail for a murder they didn’t commit or not?

• What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

Marisa Tomei Character – Miss Mona Lisa Vito:

Traits: Sassy, Expert, Pissed Off, Intelligent, Knowledgable,

Secret/Wound: Something happened before this to really piss her off. Also it must have been really difficult growing up with the name Mona Lisa!

Future: You can see from this scene that she will be able to prove that the tires are not from the guys’ car.

Joe Pesci Character – Vinny:

Traits: Sarcastic, Knowledgable, Good Lawyer, Non-conformist (to say the least), Italian to the Bone,

Secret: He is head over heals in love with Mona.

Wound: He’s been treated like scum, and not a good lawyer; Mona has quit him.

Prosecution Lawyer – Jim Smith: Full of himself, Sly/Tricky, Appearance of Conformity,

Judge Chamberlain Haller – Fred Gwynne: Intelligent, Determined, Skeptical,

What makes this character great from a writing perspective.

Vinny: Character has a dual nature filled with traits that don’t seem to fit in the world he is operating in. The Character itself is ironic.

Mona Lisa Vito: The Character is filled with energy, highly intelligent and also highly emotional. She’s a firebomb! Lots to work with here.

What change can I make in my own work. In IPCT I could challenge G.G.’s knowledge and expertise in his profession in a more intense way.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: Rest of the assignment

[Susan]

Week 3 Day 5 – Rudy

OK, this is the end of a film I have never seen and even with the Set up given what Rudy has done, what he has had to endure, and why people love him so are completely and totally lost to me. So I’m not sure what to say about anything. I can only guess and I think it is totally insufficient. I would love to have a film here in this assignment that is one I know, so the ending of the character makes sense to me. This doesn’t except on the most superficial level.

Watch 1st time for:

• How does the character accomplish the following:

• Fitting ending based upon who they have been.

Well supposedly he has played with the most heart of any player so the fact that he has gets to be in a game at all and then has the final tackle so his team wins is fitting.

• They experience the end in their own unique way.

I don’t know Rudy, or how he is unique except that he is extraordinarily small for a Football player. He is able to tackle the other teams player anyway by grabbing him around his waist and making him fall. I don’t know how that is unique to him except it was probably more gentle than most tackles ever are.

• This brings their journey to a conclusion.

Rudy is finally able to play in a game, and wins it for his team.

Watch 2nd time for:

1. What makes these characters engaging?

The tenseness around if this tiny young man will be able to do anything to help his team, and that everyone adores him so much.

2. How are they expressing their profile?

I have absolutely no idea, because I never watched this film.

3. Where do you see character depth in this scene?

He is willing to go the distance, but is also willing to bow out at the last minute and let someone else go in.

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

What makes this character great from a writing perspective:

I have no idea, I’ve never seen this film. I’m sure there are many things, but the only thing I can see from this clip is that he is a tiny football player who is beloved by everyone who insist he gets to play before the end of the season. So he steps up to the very thing he has wanted most. This a guess.

[Susan]

Week 3 Day 4 The Climax – Cypher, The Matrix

Watch 1st time for:

• Where do you see the following for Cypher:

• The ultimate expression of their conflict.

He has decided that being a battery for the machines and living in a dream world is better than being free in the rat hole human world and has already betrayed his captain and is betraying his friends and allies.

• A true test of their character.

He shows what is really important to him: nice steaks, and a cushy life… NOT his freedom and the freedom on humanity.

• The “yes or no” moment in their journey.

Will he follow the orders of the machines and their programs or will he resist. YES he will follow the machines orders.

Watch 2nd time for:

1. What makes these characters engaging?

Cypher: He has so little regard for human life, and is so hypnotized by “luxury” that he would rather live in a false dream than real life.

Trinity: She is trying to figure out a way to stop this from where they are. Can Neo do it?

Neo: He is about to try and re-enter his body without a call.

Morpheus: Even though we don’t see him, we know he is more concerned about his friends and human civilization than he is for himself.

Crew: Don’t want to die and are either trying desperately not to, or knowing they on the verge of death.

2. How are they expressing their profile?

Cypher: Sneaky, Sleazy, Narcissistic Personality, Sociopath,

Trinity: Brave, Determined, Always thinking,

Neo: Deep desire to be the ONE and save everyone

3. Where do you see character depth in this scene?

The Crew: Willing to die for their cause

Neo: Willing to be the ONE if it means humanity won’t be destroyed (and his friends)

Trinity: Doesn’t want to lose NEO, Determined to figure out how to escape this, Stunned,

Cypher: He is so much more of a despicable POC than we even imagined before.

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

What makes this character great from a writing perspective.

Cypher:

Cypher at this point has developed into his worst self. He has zero care for humans or humanity as a whole. His friendships mean nothing to him. All he cares about now is luxury and a dream instead of freedom. He is a vicious murderer only concerned with himself, a brilliant display of NPD/Sociopathy/Hatred/Disdain for what is real/Freedom/Humanity/God.

[Susan]

The Matrix – Turning Points Week 3 Day 3

Watch 1st time for:

• How does this Turning Point cause the following:

• Part of the character’s journey.

Neo wakes up into reality instead of the matrix dream world he was in. Neo needs to know what reality is before he can learn how to fix or actually do anything to fix it.

• Changes the character’s life forever.

Now he knows that the life he was living was a fake/dream reality created by the machines and their programs. He can’t really un-know this unless he purposefully chooses to become a battery again and be a source of power for the machines and their programs.

• Requires them to up their game NOW.

He must learn how to survive, live and thrive in this new reality. He must learn how to combat the machines and their programs. Then he must combat the machines/programs.

Watch 2nd time for:

1. What makes these characters engaging?

Neo is engaging because he is so innocent and is about to be thrown into the knowledge of the hellish environment he was really living in and the appalling conditions humans are living in hiding from the machines and their programs.

Mrpheus is engaging because he knows so much and cares so much.

The others are engaging because they know what is about to happen and are flippant about it until something goes wrong.

2. How are they expressing their profile?

Neo: Risk Taker, Analyst/Explorer, Searcher, Innocent,

Morpheus: Leader, Spy/Agent, Serious,

The crew: Field Agents, Supportive, Irreverent, Serious

3. Where do you see character depth in this scene?

Neo took the Red pill and is taking the risk to search for the truth and yet he is innocent and afraid. He has traits that are opposing and has no idea what he is in for. Waking up in a pool of goo with a breathing tube attached to wires all over his body is a complete shock to him. He knew something was wrong, but really had no idea what was really happening. He goes from innocence to awakening in seconds and is in awe of what he finds out.

Morpheus: Goes from serious to talking in riddles.

The Crew: Go from joking around to being really serious and supportive.

Daily Focus – Searching for Breakthroughs:

What makes this character great from a writing perspective:

Neo: He is in a new world and has so far to go to find out what is happening and to become the ONE.

Morpheus: Is the character who has the most knowledge/understanding of what is going on. He is a leader and a teacher and can guide Neo on his journey to a certain extent, but then can’t step beyond that because Neo is the ONE.

The Crew: Are interesting individuals who each have a stake in saving humanity.

[Susan]

The Godfather

Watch 1st time for:

How the Don Corleone character does the following:

• Puts him in a challenging situation,

It is the day of his daughter’s wedding and someone is asking him to kill other people.

• Give him interesting dialogue,

He asks questions like “why did you go to the police why didn’t you come to me first” which show his personality and what he expects from his “friendships.” He speaks very logically from his position of power and expectation of respect. He is also offended by the man’s offer to pay him instead of his “friendship,” which includes doing Don Corleone a favor in the future. He also lets him know this friendship includes if the man has enemies they will be Don Corleone’s enemies, that the friendship includes complete protection, and that people will fear the man because of this. He has people to take care of things… an “army” of people including those owing him favors.

• Has him take action that fits their character, and…

He refuses to kill the guys because it is not equal justice, but he will give equal justice.

• Give us an insight into who he really is.

Shows he is a powerful man who expects respect and friendship from the people around him and that he can rely on them completely. He feels his friendship and control of the people is more important and better than the police.

Watch 2nd time for:

1. What makes these characters engaging?

The man is engaging because he wants the guys who harmed his daughter dead, but he seems like a mild mannered man who would never otherwise get involved.

The men in the background are engaging because they are all carefully watching what is going on and are glued to Don Corleone, and obviously take orders from him.

Don Corleone is interesting because he is in total control and is feared, he is seeing people who ask him for favors on the day of his daughter’s wedding. He is a business man who makes deals. He is calm and composed and ruthless at the same time. He is a family man who understands the love of family.

2. How are they expressing their profile?

The man: Angry, Submissive, Loving father

Don Corleone: Family man, Powerful, Calm, Ruthless, Business man,

3. Where do you see character depth in this scene?

The contrast between Don Corleone’s love for family and his ruthlessness with anyone who is not part of his family (who he is not Godfather to), and his matter of fact business-like character compared to his “friendships.” He also has his own “moral code.”

The man has depth of character because he is normally someone who follows the rules and doesn’t want any trouble, but because his daughter was harmed he is willing to ask Don Corleone for a favor even though he knows the consequences.

Please watch this scene and provide your insights/breakthroughs into what makes this character great from a writing perspective.

As the scene progresses Don Corleone’s degree of power becomes more and more evident, his level of control over the area is immense. The audience is drawn in to his personal and professional life and wants to know how he will behave in different situations. He is unlike other normal people.

[Susan]

Silence of the Lambs

Clarice’s Journey:

• Introduction

Clarice is a young fairly inexperienced FBI trainee who is asked to speak to Hannibal Lecter, a horrible murderer, in order to get insight into a present serial killer who she know will never stop unless he is stopped. She is being spooked by people ahead of time for her meeting with Hannibal e.g. “Don’t let him get inside your head.” She is being used as bait, she doesn’t know why she is talking with Hannibal.

• Act 1 Turning Point

Clarice meets Hannibal Lecter and he is terrifying. He agrees to help her.

• Midpoint

Clarice is on the trail of the serial killer and sees Hannibal again, he draws her in to his mind and only gives her help for something in return (telling him about her personally). She doesn’t want to do it, but feels she must in order to catch the serial murderer.

• Act 2 Turning Point

She is told it is rare to capture a pure psychopath alive. The serial murderer continues killing with even more heinous Hannibal psychoanalyzes Clarice in a destructive way. She only has the information she has gotten from Hannibal to help her. Clarice figures out who the killer is.

• Climax

Then Hannibal captures and murders a guard/s (someone Clarice knows personally) in the prison… and escapes!

• Ending

Hannibal is free and contacts Clarice. Will he come to kill her… he says not. She is on her own, but Hannibal continues to haunt her.

Hannibal’s Journey:

• Introduction

An erudite psychopathic murderer who eats his victims, loves are and music and believes he is better than ANYONE else. He is in prison for his crimes.

• Act 1 Turning Point

A young FBI agent comes to visit him supposedly without an agenda (maybe she doesn’t know why she is there), but Hannibal knows the FBI has a reason. He also knows about this new serial murderer who is vicious and skins his victims.

• Midpoint

Hannibal becomes obsessed with Clarice, as she is on the trail of the serial killer and comes to see him again, he draws her in to his mind even more, and only gives her help for something in return (telling him about her personally). She doesn’t want to do it, but feels she must in order to catch the serial murderer.

• Act 2 Turning Point

He finally gives her the information she needs to catch this murderer.

• Climax

Hannibal concocts a scheme to escape from prison and murders two guards so he can be free and continue to play mind games with Clarice.

• Ending

Hannibal is free and planning his next moves

What makes each of these character’s great from a writing perspective?

Clarice: Is young and has a lot to learn, but she is highly intelligent and

Hannibal: is totally berzerk, and a vicious masochistic psychopath who eats humans. Just to explore that kind of insanity alone what makes him great from a writing perspective… there are so many areas to dip into: power, control, impulses, planning, incentives, needs, wants, you name it!

[Susan]

The Proposal

Andrew’s Journey:

Introduction

Andrew is really stressed out. He is late getting up and trying to get to work and prepare for his crazy super demanding boss including getting her special coffee which someone spills on him in the office. Then his boss tells him she needs him this weekend and he can’t go to his Grandmother’s 90th birthday party. She prods him to quit.

Act 1 Turning Point

His nutcase boss tells the big bosses that the two of them are getting married and he is floored and says he is not going to marry her. Obviously she makes it worthwhile like threatening him with not having a job and being out on the street.

Midpoint

They have to go to immigration about Margaret’s deportation.

He takes Margaret to meet his folks in Alaska and they have to pretend they even like each other to her family. She is hard to handle and so is his family.

Act 2 Turning Point

Stuff happens while they are at his folks, he sees Margaret’s wound and then he falls in love with Margaret

Climax

The wedding is cancelled which he no longer wants to happen, Margaret will be deported to Canada, (and his Grandma has a pretend heart attack to get to the airport before Margaret’s plane leaves).

Ending

He wants to marry Margaret anyway

Margaret’s Journey:

Introduction

Margaret powers into work. She demands Andrew be around for the weekend even though it’s his Grandmother’s 90th birthday. It appears she is trying to get him to quit. She goes into the big bosses office hoping to hear about her second raise and finds out she is being deported and won’t be able to

Act 1 Turning Point

She goes into the big bosses office hoping to hear about her second raise and finds out her visa application is being denied and she is being deported and won’t be able to work for a US company then. Andrew sticks his head in the office and she decides they’ll get married and tells the big bosses that. Then Andrew tells her he won’t marry her and she threatens him with no job.

Midpoint

They have to go to immigration and learn everything about each other so it looks real. Margaret has to go with Andrew to his folks in Alaska. Everyone welcomes her with open arms as well as teases her. She is a wreak trying to keep up with them.

Act 2 Turning Point

Lots of little and deep emotional things happen. She sees what a wonderful person Andrew really is and she falls in love with Andrew and his warm loving family.

Climax

The Wedding is called off and she has to be deported to Canada.

Ending

She loves Andrew and wants to marry him now.

What makes each character great from a writing perspective:

Andrew:

Andrew is in a job he keeps in order to get up in his profession even though his boss is an endless cause of distress as she demands the world of him and his family is loving, but also demanding. He is caught between two worlds and has to constantly make a decision for his career and to put up with crazy Margaret in order to go forward. He is a nice guy who needs to learn to get what he really wants in a difficult world and still be a nice guy so he has far to go.

Margaret:

Margaret is a mess. Everyone is afraid of her and keeps their distance. She is alone except for the people who work under her, especially Andrew who she uses, abuses, and uses as a crutch. She has a very deep wound making her this way, but we don’t know what it is, she completely keeps it to herself. There is so much room for change in this character – a total revelation is possible and a 180 as she heals her wound!

Breakthrough: I could use Andrew’s choice predicament in one of my screenplays for a character. He would make the opposite choice though. I have to think about how that is different, and if I want to add more of the new person and turn it into a Rom-com that is not what it is right now. It only has a Romantic background. It is really more about the character himself and his journey against all obstacles and how strong he becomes. I don’t want to make it into a full-fledged Rom-Com. This character has issues with his x even worse than Andrew’s issues with Margaret, he also has issues with his brother like Andrew has with his father. So what type of film IS it?! It appears to be more like a hero’s journey comedy… I have to decide! I have not had anything about the relationship of the brothers to their parents… is that necessary?

[Susan]

A Star is Born (2018)

There is really not much there in this scene as it is posted on youtube at this time. I’m not sure it is the entire scene you wanted us to watch because it certainly does not begin at the beginning. I think it was cut for content.

Where the attraction shows up for Ally:

When he tells her she’s a songwriter and kisses her hand.

Where the attraction shows up for Jack:

Right away when she’s singing to him about him that she just makes up. Then it intensifies as she sings what she started writing the night before.

What causes the attraction is:

Their shared love of music and respect for each other’s talent, as well are their shared wounds.

The Drama the scene is built around is:

How the characters can support and comfort each other in their pain.

The profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) that show up in this scene for each character are:

Right Character:

Ally and Jack are the right characters for each other because Jack can remember the energy of beginning a career and the high and can help Ally, and Ally needs encouragement because she is in self-doubt. Ally can comfort Jack and remind him of his own talents.

Character Traits in this scene:

Ally: Sad, Self Doubt, Wounded, Pained, Caring

Jack: Sad, Drunk?(assumed), Caring, Awed, Self Doubt

Wounds: Ally and Jack both obviously have some big wounds because they are deep in them, but I don’t know what they are at all from this scene.

Future: Jack is going to help Ally become a star.

What makes each character great from a writing perspective:

These characters are great from a writing perspective because they are both in so much pain and have so far to go, they can help each other, influence each other, and also harm each other along the way because of their wounds, self-doubts and pain.

[Susan]

Ocean’s 11
What makes the love triangle interesting is that the x-husband is warning his x-wife about her new boyfriend, also that the x-husband has just gotten out of prison.
I see secrets, intrigue, and emotional needs in:
The wife: is very emotionally needy and sad.
The x-husband is emotionally needy of his wife and also to get her away form her new boyfriend who appears to be evil (as well as a much worse criminal than the x-husband)
Intrigue:
The wife: Wondering what her x-husband did to make her cry besides be a criminal and go to jail
The x-husband: What he did that put him in jail, why he still wants his x-wife who doesn’t want him, how come he knows how evil her new boyfriend is
The boyfriend: Why is he so evil? How very bad of a criminal is he? What has he done? Does he kill people? Why does he want this particular woman when he knows her past and she does not want to be with a criminal?
Secrets:
Wife: What really hurts her about her x-husband
X-husband: How does he know about her new boyfriend? Why he was in the restaurant of the casino?
Boyfriend: His criminal past and present
The Conflict between the points of the triangle could be:
The love triangle tensions and actions between the x-wife and x-husband who wants to get her back, the tensions of the new boyfriend being jealous and confronting the x-wife about her contact and feelings for the x-husband, the x-husband and the boyfriend confronting each other about he woman, the confrontations, tension and conflict between them concerning the ocean’s 11 robbery plan.
The Drama of the scene is built around…
the confrontation of the woman and the x-husband, the confrontation between the new boyfriend’s threats and the x-boyfriends’ dismissal of them, the x-husband trying to warn the woman about her new boyfriend, and the love triangle.
The profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in this scene for these three character’s words and actions?
Right Character:
x-husband is the right character because he has been in prison, he knows something very bad about the new boyfriend (who he is about to rob), and the woman feels pain from him.
The woman is the right character because she is in pain, because she is repeating a pattern at an even worse level than before, and because she is blind to parts of reality that are right in front of her.
The new boyfriend is the right character because the x-husband is going to rob him, he is going to hurt the woman even more than her x-husband, he is evil.
What makes each of these characters great from a writing perspective?
The woman: She has a repeating pattern with men, and blind spots that need to be addressed, she is wounded.
The x-husband: He is cavalier, he is up against the new boyfriend in more ways than one, and he is a thief that needs to reconcile or at least be forgiven by his x-wife.
The New Boyfriend: He is the right character because he is seeing the x-husband’s x-wife, he is evil, he is a worse criminal than the x-husband, the woman thinks he is squeaky clean, it will be interesting to show how bad and how criminal he really is.
Traits in this scene:
Woman: Needy, Sad, Sarcastic,
X-husband: Liar, Thief, Joker, Event Planner/Organizer,
New Boyfriend: Liar, Criminal, Murderer?, Schemer, Charmer, Mafia type,
Wound:
Woman: Her x-husband has made her cry
X-husband: He really loves his x-wife (it’s not a joke)
New Boyfriend: Not visible in this scene.

Secret:
Woman: She is still in love with her X-husband
X-husband: He is about to rob her new boyfriend
He is a criminal and we suspect – a murderer

The future of their relationships is shown by their interactions in this scene: there will be issues between them as stated above, the casino will be robbed, the woman will find out exactly how evil her new boyfriend is, possibly she will want to get even/revenge.

What makes each of these characters great from a writing perspective:
There is so much tension in each character and their opposing needs, and desires as well as how each character’s issues and who they really are needs to be revealed as the audience is left wondering about each of them.

[Susan]

Remember the Titans
The power struggle is created by the captain of the White team telling the new coach what is going to happen or the Whites won’t play.
The characters demand a power struggle because of the two racial sides during that period in history, and the obvious pressure each person is under to do exactly what they are doing in that scene.
The characters each have an audience. The team captain’s audience are his White teammates, the other coaches who are now working under the new Black coach, and the captain’s parents. The new coaches audience are the old coaches who are now working under him, the black teammates and just about everyone else who need to know RIGHT now, that he is in control.
The drama of the scene is built around the demands of the team captain and the authority of the new coach.
How each character is expressing their profile (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) through their words and actions.
Right Character:
New Coach: Because he is a Black man with experience thrown into a difficult situation at work at what was previously a White school and now he is in the position of power over white people.
Team Captain: Because he can make or break the moral and performance of the team (at least the white side).
Traits we can see in this scene:
New Coach: Not to be bullied/Boundary Setter, Self Respect/Self Worth, Assertive, Confidence, Resilient,
Team Captain: Brave/Courageous, Fear of disappointing others/doesn’t want to let the team (or his Mom) down, limited boundaries, Flexible
Secret:
Coach: Really couldn’t tell in this scene.
Team Captain: Really couldn’t tell in this scene.
Wound:
Coach: Really couldn’t tell in this scene.
Team Captain: Really couldn’t tell in this scene.
Future:
The Coach and Captain are already living into their future of having to have a relationship that makes the team work no matter what anyone else says or does.
This is really all you can tell from the scene itself. If you see the rest of the film the team captain is being pushed into this confrontation by others and continues to be pushed until he can make a change internally. You also know that he likes “black” music and isn’t racist like some of the other people are (this is his secret). The Coach’s secret is that his family is constantly harassed, this, and other forms of discrimination caused him wounds that he has mostly overcome. The captain’s parents are overprotective and extremely demanding as are his previous coaches and his old white team looks to him for support and demands he do something.

[Susan]

Green Book

The two characters, Tony & Shirley are completely mismatched. Tony is intelligent but not educated and he is street smart and gruff, while Shirley is highly educated and “refined.” He is also affected. At the interview Don Shirley is sitting on an actual throne set on a step platform above Tony who is sitting in an armchair below. Tony is a down to earth guy although well dressed as he normally works in high ticket places like the Copa Cabana as a bouncer. In the clip it appears Don Shirley sees himself as a Prince from the throne, the furniture and furnishings in the room. It is all very ritzy and high class and Regal. Each has an attitude that doesn’t want to take BS from anyone about anything, but express it in opposite ways. Tony is more easygoing and Don is more demanding although Tony does set good boundaries. It does not seem like the characters are completely historical. I never saw this film, and I did not even know what year this was taking place so I looked it up (it was difficult to believe someone was offering $100 a week). What I read says Don was very down to earth. I don’t see that here, maybe it shows up later. It seems like that character trait would be antagonistic to some of the other obvious ones and would have added depth to this character. Shirley’s real brother Maurice won’t see the film because he says it’s full of lies.

Don needs to get over himself, as well as his obvious need to have everything perfect. Tony needs to be able to deal with Don’s perfection.

Knowing that Tony gets the job the mismatch creates a future where Tony will need to protect Don and Don will need to get Tony into places that are more high brow and expose him to different music that he may not have heard before.

The drama this scene is built around is what each character is expecting the job to be and how to navigate the outcome.

The profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) that show up in the characters’ words and actions in this scene are…

Right Character:

Tony: He’s a tough guy who has worked as a bouncer in clubs and can handle situations that will come up on the road in the deep south, he also is pushy and charming and has the potential to bring Don out of his stiffness.

Don: He’s refined and uniquely talented, there’s no one quite like him or his music so he is interesting to the time and to the audience. He is determined to bring his music to people in the southern part of the country and is sort of innocent and fearless in that way so he really needs Tony.

Character Traits:

Tony: Rough, Sarcastic, Down to Earth, Friendly, Street Smart,

Don: Stiff/Affected, Full of Himself/He Acts Like Royalty, Highly Intelligent, Likely OCD, Inquisitive/Probing/Curious,

The 2 characters’ traits play off each other for both confrontation and camaraderie.

Secret:

Tony could have a secret, for instance why is he choosing to do this job instead of something close to home?

Don appears to have a secret, but in this scene it is difficult to say what it is.

Wound:

In order for Don to be the way he is, he likely has a wound.

I do not see a wound for Tony in this scene.

Living into the Future:

The way the trip is going to go is set up in the scene. What Tony is willing to do on the road and the tension and friendship that may happen due to each character’s personality.

What makes each character great from a writing perspective:

Don: How do we find out what is going on with this guy? He is so strange sitting on a throne, having elephant tusks, wanting to play some kind of weird music down south. We have a lot to discover about him.

Tony: He is the perfect foil/friend for Dom because he is so unlike him. We also can explore why he is willing to leave his family for 8 weeks and not take a different job in NYC.

[Susan]

Tombstone

The tension that comes from putting the 2 worthy opponents together is the audience concerned that Ringo will kill Doc Holliday because he’s so drunk, even though Earp has a shotgun pointed at Ringo which he cocks (we hear), but no one else in the bar appears to hear. Doc could get shot first anyway. Then it is a pissing contest between Ringo with a pistol and Doc with a wine cup that is pretty funny. It makes Ringo angry, but it appears he doesn’t feel like this would be a good time to shoot Doc, the audience was laughing and would be against him… maybe 12 people would shoot him.

In their first meeting Doc discovers that he doesn’t like Ringo. 1st because there’s something around his eyes that reminds him of himself, 2nd because Ringo can speak Latin so he’s educated and now he really hates him.

How these 2 stand out from the others: they each appear to have a chip on their shoulder, they make fun of each other in front of everyone, they are the center of attention and everyone’s eyes are on them, they have a talent to be able to play fast with guns (or other items) and make them dance.

The Drama is built around the pissing contest between Ringo and Doc Holliday.

The profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) that showed up in these two character’s words and actions in the scene are:

Right character: Doc is a worthy opponent (even though a drunkard) to Ringo and has a part of himself that is just as mean an ornery as Ringo. Doc knows that part of himself and that is why he really hates Ringo. Doc has a secret that makes him drink. Doc is well loved by many who support him.

Ringo is a creep who wants praise and adulation so he shows off. He feels he must keep his reputation of being the deadliest gun slinger so he will do whatever he needs to, to do that.

Traits:

Doc Holliday – Cocky, Smart, Calm, Troubled/Alcoholic/Wounded, Expert/Marksman,

Ringo – Mean, Concerned about his reputation, Show off, Lurker, Needy

Doc definitely has some wound, psychologically speaking it is likely Ringo has a wound, but his character is a creep so the audience probably won’t care about it, or think he should have outgrown it. Also in the film (but not necessarily in history) Ringo is educated and probably comes from some money and so therefore would have destroyed his life on his own murdering so many people which makes him incredibly detestable, otherwise why did he come from that background into what he is doing now – even with a wound).

Future: One can tell from this scene that the characters will have more run-ins and probably a shootout later.

What makes each character great from a writing perspective:

Doc Holliday: He has some sort of deep wound (likely from his family dying of TB) which makes him an alcoholic, he is a dentist and highly educated and at the same time he is a gambler, and an incredibly fast gun slinger. This triple nature along with his wound makes him a great character to explore in wound, action, future, and in history.

Ringo: Is so mean and hateful it doesn’t matter that he lost his father young. His wound informs to his creepiness, but isn’t necessary to create his vileness as plenty of people have lost parents and don’t become vicious outlaws. Delving into his true dark side makes him great from a writing perspective.

[Susan]

Seabiscuit

What causes you to believe that these two belong together?

Seabiscuit and Red are both fighting everyone around them at the same time. The trainer looks right and left and sees the same type of being on each side.

Similar emotions and actions:

Both Red and Seabiscuit fight aggressively, will not put up with anyone bothering them, are angry, want to be left alone.

What drama is this scene built around?

The trainer looking for the right jockey for Seabiscuit, but the horse’s temper (seen as crazy by jockey) is stopping that. Then the trainer spots Red and sees a kindred spirit for Seabiscuit.

What profile items (right character, traits, secret, wound, future) showed up in these two character’s words and actions?

Right character Red and Seabiscuit because they are both wounded, Traits they have similar traits which bind them to each other, Secret they each have a secret, Wound – both are obviously wounded, Future we can see that they will be together in this one scene and that their relationship will grow. All of these traits show up. For the trainer, he is the right person because he has compassion, and he also seems to have a secret.

What makes each of these characters great from a writing perspective:

The trainer understands that both Red and Seabiscuit are deeply wounded. He is an understanding soul (who also seems to have been wounded and recovered which is part of his secret) who can help both the human being and the horse animal being recover their dignity, love and their lives.

[Susan]

Sleepless In Seattle

What causes the audience to believe these two belong together?

Sam and Annie both say the same things in response to the “Dr” on the radio, they both have similar/the same emotional reactions to Dr Fieldstone and the situation, they each need someone (with Sam it’s shown and Annie says it with tears in her eyes while she’s driving) who can really understand them – not just anyone, they are both skeptical, highly emotional and romantic.

The Drama the scene is built around is the phone call Sam’s son Jonah makes to the radio psychologist and Sam’s reaction to his son doing this and seeing just how much his son (and he himself) is not dealing with his own inability to cope. His son takes on a more parental role and Sam becomes childlike. As the phone call goes on it becomes clearer how much Sam’s inability to cope is effecting Jonah.

The profile items that show up in this scene (right character, traits, secret, wound, future):

Right character:

Dr Fieldstone is the right character – she asks Sam the right questions that actually make him realize what he has been doing.

Jonah is the right character because he is frustrated enough and wise enough to do something to push his father.

Sam is the right character because he is so broken and inwardly dysfunctional (even though he can take care of his son physically).

Annie is the right character because she also needs a real deep emotional connection to someone who is as wounded as she is (her fiance is odd and romantic, but he is too normal and she doesn’t experience him as deep although he later shows himself to be, and he is not wounded).

Future: we can see that this radio phone call will spark an attempt to meet.

Secrets/Wounds: Sam is obviously wounded by the death of his wife, and Jonah by the death of his mother. Sam’s secret is that he is really emotionally non-functional, Annie’s has a secret but we don’t know it yet.

There are also a couple of triangles: Annie, Jonah, Sam/Annie, Sam, Dr Fieldstone/Annie, her fiance. Sam/ Annie, her fiance, her best friend (we don’t see that the ones with the fiance and friend in this scene).

What makes these characters great from a writing perspective…

Jonah is extremely determined and wants his father to be able to be himself again – he misses him. He also wants a mother desperately. He dynamically pushes and pulls the storyline/the film forward.

Sam needs to make big changes in his life, he is up against bth small and large challenges.

Annie is lost and needs to find what she really wants and who she really wants to be and do.

Dr Fieldstone is funny and also really smart. She can see right through a situation in a flash and is able to pull people into immediate realizations.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

It may be possible to create higher dramatic reveals even in comedies.

[Susan]

This story again uses a “legendary” mythic archetype, something I could make use of in several of my stories.

Adding to that I realized Junah is an open book… Bagger Vance is filled with mystical secrets! What exactly

is he going to pull out of his bag of tricks next? Makes me (the audience) feel intrigued.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Thinking about my own screenplays/stories it might be possible to incorporate a known “mythic” storyline and characters in some of them.

[Susan]

Skylar leaving for California and asking Will to go with her causes both characters to reveal their wounds.

Will’s wound of abandonment makes him unwilling to go to CA with Skylar because he is afraid she will abandon him there and he won’t have any support.

Skylar’s loss of her father’s love when he died makes her want to do anything to keep Will’s love.

Skylar threatens Will’s wound by asking him to leave his home and friends and be willing to take a chance on their relationship when he fears she will abandon him.

Will’s threatens Skylar’s wound by saying he doesn’t love her and leaving the relationship.

The Drama the scene was built around are the clashing of the character’s wounds brought on by Skylar leaving for California.

What traits showed up for each character in the scene in their wounds and actions?

Skylar – Anguished, Caring, Protective, Risk Taker, confrontational

Will – Fearful, Abused, Angry, Insecure, misunderstands emotions

What makes these characters great from a writing perspective…

Skylar – She has opposing character traits which cause her anguish and heightened emotions

Will – He is extremely wounded and has problems understanding love and other kind emotions people have toward him, which always puts him on edge.

Will has no understanding of love and support except from his friends and then his therapist. He has never seen a real love relationship (as his foster parents were crazy and drunk) and is terrified of leaving his only anchors.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: updated thinking

[Susan]

No matter how high I have been writing emotions in my stories/scripts they can be so much higher including in comedies.

[Susan]

How is Kate’s secret set up…
The set-up begins before the first scene here, both Jack and Sawyer suspect Kate of something.
Then Deputy is dying of his wounds from the plane crash and tries to tell Jack about the dangerous criminal he was with, but he keeps passing out. He wants to know where his handcuffs are showing that the criminal needs to be in them and may have taken them. Finally he tells Jack to go into his jacket pocket. There Jack finds a folded paper. As he opens the wanted poster and the Deputy says she’s dangerous again as Jack sees Kate’s face in mugshots.

So the set up goes in steps, 1st Kate is suspected, 2nd the Deputy decries his criminal dangerous, 3rd A wanted poster, 4th Kate’s flashback of the murder (although the flashback hints at, but doesn’t show the exact nature of relationship between her and the victim – we find that out even later in another reveal).

What causes demand to know what the secret is?
First, that she is suspected of having some deep secret and is hiding something important.
Second, the fact that Kate is the alleged criminal and a fugitive. She is in a wanted poster.

How is Kate’s secret revealed?
It is revealed in steps as it was set up.
1st She is in the wanted poster, deputy says she is dangerous and she should be in handcuffs.
2nd Then she plays a game of “I never” with Sawyer and admits she killed a man.
3rd a flashback of the murder.

The Drama the scenes were built around were knowing there was a loose criminal, knowing Kate had a secret she was hiding, and after the reveal Jack and Sawyer both jumpy (each in their own way) about just how dangerous Kate is to them and everyone else from the plane. The Drama was also built around the drawing out of both the set ups and the reveals of Kate’s secret. Each reveal is another set up. In the 3rd scene the Drama is built up around Kate flicking the the lighter, the smell in the house, the obvious unwanted sexual tension between her and the man, then Kate looking back, riding away before the explosion.

What traits showed up in these characters’ words and actions?

Jack: Impatient, Distressed, Goader, Overwhelmed

Sawyer: Selfish, Greedy, Vain, Sly, Vengeful, Provocateur, Wounded

Kate: Secretive, Strong, Vengeful, Compassionate, Smart, Determined

[Susan]

Junah is coming from a place of defeat and desperation. He has spent years watching his friends die on the battlefield and it wounded him so much that he lost his golf swing. On a physical level he’s coming from a secure and well-to-do home with a loving wife. He understands not having what’s necessary for life though from the war and is generous in his utterly non-racist offer for Bagger to go into his house for food. He doesn’t see the color of anyone’s skin. He looks for the person inside.
Bagger Vance is coming from a place of peace, and a deep knowledge of human nature and golf. He appears to be an extremely well dressed vagabond who frequents the circuit, but most likely is unable to play due to the color of his skin, so he is a caddy instead. He has had to come to terms with this and sees people for who they are individually. He’s a philosopher. He also appears to be there purposefully to help Junah. He’s obviously heard about the match and also knows what Junah was capable of in golf previously. He also uses biblical references like, “The harmony of all that is, all that was, and all that will be,” a take on God who is, was and will be. It’s like he’s an angel.

The drama the scene was built around…
The tension of Junah wanting to play and being lost, and then being startled by an unknown who suddenly is everything he needs to become himself again. Bagger even knows exactly what’s wrong… Junah lost his swing, and who Junah is and what he accomplished in golf in the past.

Traits that showed up in the characters’ words and actions in this scene…

Junah: Kind/Considerate, Insecure, Paralyzed, Frustrated, Adaptable, Determined,

Bagger Vance: Serene, Philosophical, All-knowing, Sarcastic, Instigator/Provoker/Catalyst/Pathfinder, Coach/Guide,

What makes the characters great from a writing perspective…

Junah: Junah is open to becoming his BEST self, and again as with Sarah in Terminator, it gives him a far distance to go with many layers and levels of change. He is a good person, but is lacking in aspects of self-love and acceptance and is beaten down by the reality of war. He has the ability to love himself again and to love life again which is a great path to take him through.

Bagger Vance: Since Bagger has the skill to know exactly what is going on and to see into the future, he can constantly be a surprise as well as a comfort.

[Susan]

AGREE, in which case, you Reply to this topic and include three things at the top of the page:

Susan McClary

I agree to the terms of this release form.

3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

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2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Susan]

Sarah Connor is living into the future of becoming the Madonna (Mother Mary) and Savior/Mother of the Savior in the War against the machines. The film uses “mythic” or “religious” ideas for the scope of the characters Sarah and her son. She is going to have a son. She will teach him to fight, organize, and prepare for the war from when he was a child while they were in hiding before the war.

Kyle Reese is living into the future of his own death.

Sarah’s transformation implied by the scene is from a disorganized, frightened person (who is tougher in the moment than she thinks she is), who can’t even balance her check book to the Savior’s Mother. However, by the end of the scene she accepts her “fate” by acknowledging that this is only her first field dressing (of many/implied).

The Drama the scene is built around is Sarah and Reese escaping and being on the lamb and in hiding from the Terminator after he murders an entire police squad at the station. Also Sarah is trying to get her head around time travel, machines ruling the world, and who she is supposed to be/become.

The traits that showed up the 2 characters in this scene:

Sarah Connor: Strong, Restless, Afraid, Wired, Analyzer, Decisive, Show-me

Kyle Reese: Apostle/Cherisher/Devotee, Fighter, Brave, Caring, Knowledgable, Defender, Innocent

What makes Sarah great from a writing perspective in this scene…

We will be able to see Sarah change drastically from a weaker person to a superhero so there is a lot of material there for a drastic character change that can be set up in steps. Her analyzing character trait will allow her to see when she has made a mistake and how to fix it, or even how to avoid mistakes and what she will need to do to help her son.

What makes Reese great from a writing perspective in this scene…

He already knows a version of the future and is hell bent on fixing it, protecting Sarah, and helping save humanity. He knows all about the Terminator robots and ways to get around them. He is a “disciple” of Sarah’s son. His innocence makes him both strong and vulnerable.

Thinking about my own screenplays/stories it might be possible to incorporate a known “mythic” storyline and characters in some of them.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: Added last sentence
• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Character Traits for Will, Chuckie & Skylar

Will: Fighter, Genius, Photographic Memory, Protector/Defender, Buddy, Confident, Analyst, Philosopher, Sarcastic, Low-income, Comedian
Chuckie: Flirt, Risk Taker, Insecure, Lonely, Poser/Ham, Buddy, Sad
Skylar: Adventurer/Explorer, Goes by… Never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience (Mark Twain), Tough (likely bossy), Fun
Morgan: Diplomat, Buddy,

This scene itself is truly noteworthy for the expression of friendship and appreciation between the three buddies Will, Chuckie and Morgan.

I learned that I probably am not writing in enough of the reactions that the non-speaking characters are having. Not only do we see this in this scene with the friends, but we also see it with the young women and the crowd in general, as well as with the egotistic know it all. Not only the character traits, but how the interacting characters feel about each and what their actual relationship is to each other is enormously important in their reactions to each other and the rest of the audience inside and outside the 4th wall.
How does this character FEEL about that other character in a deep way (not just what they think in their heads and not only their goals)?!

What makes this character great from a writing perspective?

All the characters are really relatable. We know people who are like them, or who have the FEELINGS they have in this scene, or who have had some know it all try and make fun of them.

Will: He really cares about his friends. He is so many LAYERS, he has so much to delve into.
Chuckie: Another layered character whose subtext is very different than who he appears to be.
Skylar: Has conflicting character traits which are likely to drive her and others crazy.

The Drama the writers used to trigger the character traits was the standoff in the Harvard bar between the “townies” and the “upper class students.” The group likely picked this bar so no one would know them and why they’re all banged up, as well as to meet new women (who also don’t know them and what they’re like).

Watching this scene made me want to watch the film again. It must be at least 25 years since I’ve watched it. It really holds up.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: html codes
• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Agree.

Susan McClary.

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Susan]

I agree to the terms of the release form

[Susan]

I agree to the terms of the release form

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Maximum Interest QE Cycle #6 Revision

Logline: Marcus vies for Carley’s top spot on the cooking show… “The Afternoon Gourmet” during sweeps week but it doesn’t turn out as planned.

Essence: Live campfire cooking show in State Park Picnic area during sweeps weeks… what doesn’t go wrong?

Traits:

Carley New Traits: Tough, Food Theorist, Distracting/Evasive, Polite

Marcus New Traits: Strategic, Stage Hog, Imaginative, Apologetic

Scene: The Afternoon Gourmets

EXT: PICNIC AREA STATE PARK AUTUMN AFTERNOON

A cooking show, “The Afternoon Gourmet” is finishing setting up for a live outdoor camping cookout for sweeps weeks.

The crew place the outdoor over-fire grills on the two campfire setups and light them both up.

The area is surrounded by buckets of water and some of sand. There is a long hose attached to a water truck nearby as well, and several Forest Ranger Vehicles including one that could hold animals. The Rangers have stun guns, hand guns, rifles and belts with various types of ammunition including darts.

Ten State Forest Rangers are scattered around the area. The only other people there are the crew, the Producer/MACK, the Director/JAKE, and Marcus Farina’s Manager BEVERLY who is allowed to take photos (which will need Producer approval) for her publicity campaign for Marcus.

Makeup is prepping the two stars, CARLEY NIGHTINGALE (British) and MARCUS FARINA (American). His MU ARTIST is dirtying MARCUS’ nails. He is protesting.

MARCUS

(Apologetically, Strategically)

You know, no one will want to eat any food I cook if my fingernails look like this. Clean them now. And I don’t care what the Di-rector said, just do it. I’ll deal with him later. In short order I’ll be head Chef.

MAKEUP ARTIST #1

(Stifling a laugh)

Yes Mr. Farina.

MARCUS is dressed in Chef Whites, a Long apron with FARINA embroidered on it, and a Toque Blanche (Chef’s hat).

CARLEY is being made up to look like an outdoors woman. Dressed uncharacteristically in figure hugging designer jeans (like Re/Done or Veronica Beard) and a British flower print flannel shirt, she is incredibly uncomfortable but stunning.

CARLEY

(To Makeup Artist #2 in British Accent)

Would you please call over wardrobe Pet, these slacks are going up my you know what!

MAKEUP ARTIST #2

(Hiding her exasperation and giggles)

I’ll be right back

The Director and Producer walk over to the Stars and hunker between them.

JAKE PRODUCER

(Stage whispering)

You two, we need you ready for this. It’s live today… a two hour special out here in the wild. I know you are both prepared. I just want you to know the Rangers are here to keep the crowd away. And remember it’s sweeps weeks and we want to bring up those ratings!

JAKE walks away and stations himself by CAMERAMAN #1.

MACK DIRECTOR

(Encouragingly, but staring down Marcus)

Now try and get along today. I know you can BOTH be consummate professionals…

The DIRECTOR MACK kicks MARCUS’ chair pretending it is accidental.

MACK DIRECTOR (CONT’D)

if you want to be.

CARLEY rolls her eyes, bites her lip, and looks away from MARCUS.

MARCUS

(Explaining apologetically/Gaslighting)

You know I always try really hard to get every line right. I only want what’s best for the show. It’s difficult you know when you’ve studied at the Cordon Bleu to be thrust into a show with someone who is not up to the same gourmet level, and from Britain no less… they’re notorious for the WORST food!

MACK DIRECTOR

(Seriously, knitting the fingers of both hands together as a guide)

We need our Stars to work together, if that is not possible then….

MACK saunters over to the Producer.

MACK DIRECTOR (CONT’D)

(Using a Megaphone)

Ready on the set. This is a 1 minute warning. Places everybody NOW! This is live people.

CARLEY and MARCUS rush over to the prep table to begin the shoot. CARLEY tries to pull the jeans out of her crotch as she goes. Every once in a while during this scene, when her lower half is off camera, she does the same thing.

MACK DIRECTOR

Three, Two, One, Action!

CARLEY

(Serenely not looking at Marcus perched right next to her)

Welcome to The Afternoon Gourmet, and to our two hour live special! We are out here in the wild in our beautiful State Park (pick one) with a set of Gourmet campfire recipes to tickle anyone’s fancy.

Carley sweeps her arms above the prep table.

CARLEY (CONT’D)

(Confidentially)

We will be making a scrummy gourmet feast straight out of India… For the main dish, Grilled Tandori Chicken Thighs. We’ll be using the darker juicier meat to keep it moist on the grill. We’ll also be cooking up Saffron Basmati Rice, Naan bread, Baby Greens and Cucumber Salad, with Honeyed Apple Pears for Dessert. Because we are campfire cooking we are using a few store bought bits and bobs… like condiments such as Mango Chutney. When buying these please make sure you buy an excellent brand. And as always you can find the recipes and quantities on our website. Shall we get going?

CARLEY pulls out two disposable cooking gloves from a box. MARCUS jumps upstage of CARLEY and stands in front of the prep table and CARLEY.

MARCUS

(Jokingly)

And I imagine you’ll be changing into a Saree before we sit down to…

MARCUS pushes down on the edge of the prep table and the bowl of Chicken Thighs tumbles down into the dirt.

MARCUS

(Apologetically like a cat)

eat? You know I meant to do that. Those Chicken thighs smelled off. It is extremely important that all your ingredients are really fresh to avoid food poisoning.

CARLEY points to the STEADICAM CAMERAMAN, then makes a follow me motion with her hand. She leads the viewers away from the mess so the crew can quickly clean up. She stops at her Van.

CARLEY

(Wearing her disposable gloves)

In Food Theory, knowing how to prepare in case of accidents,

which might occur more often in the wild, requires little mental effort. Consequently I brought extras.

CARLEY slides open the van door and sweeps her arms again showing a series of boxes and coolers inside. She grabs the one marked Chicken Thighs and begins the march back toward the prep table.

CARLEY stares down MARCUS off camera as she walks back toward the prep table.

As she walks MARCUS stares at her bum. His MANAGER BEVERLY tries to get to him, but is stopped by the PRODUCER JAKE who sticks his arm out like a railroad crossing gate. BEVERLY bumps right into it barely keeping her balance.

MACK DIRECTOR vanishes behind his vehicle and takes out two plastic containers, then creeps around to the wooded area behind the prep table. He really reaches, dumping out one container of ants, and another of grasshoppers right under the table.

MACK slinks back to JAKE.

MACK DIRECTOR

(Giving a Fist Bump)

Done!

JAKE PRODUCER rubs his hands together gleefully.

JAKE PRODUCER

Sweeps weeks here we come!

CARLEY arrives at the prep table placing the cold Stainless Steel Bowl of Chicken Thighs down. She looks back up at the camera.

CARLEY

(Glancing at Marcus)

Let’s get started with the marinade shall we?

MARCUS

(Changing his lines)

We will be using non-traditional spices for this recipe.

CARLEY

(Distracting, Smiling)

Codswallop! We have all of our traditional gourmet spices ready right here on the prep table.

As CAMERAMAN #1 pushes in on the tiny bowls of East Indian spices we see a larger bowl of honey covered in ants, and grasshoppers chomping on a large bowl of lettuce.

CARLEY

Oh my!

CARLEY takes a step back from the table.

MARCUS

(Looking at the Camera but Taunting Carley)

Well I guess that’s the end of the salad and desert! Too bad too, it sounded luscious. Well folks while the crew cleans this up Carley and I will have a little debate… Food Theory vs. Cordon Bleu gourmet cooking.

The crew comes in again and removes the honey and the salad and puts them several feet away from the table on the ground.

CARLEY

(Bravely)

It just so happens I have duplicates of the Honey and Lettuce in my Van as well, Marcus. And although I appreciate a chinwag as much as the next person, I’m sure our audience would prefer it, to get on with the actual cooking. So I am going to heat enough water for our rice in one pot.

CARLEY glides over to the stage left campfire carrying both pots. A stage hand has already placed a small folding table by the campfire for the measured ingredients, including water.

In another pot I am lightly toasting Cinnamon, Cardamom, Cloves and Peppercorn in Ghee… now I add the fragrant Basmati kernels toasting for just a moment… then stir in the hot water and saffron, and cover. While the rice is cooking I will lightly toast pistachios which we will add in when the rice is done. I am setting a timer on my phone.

CARLEY pulls the frying pan of PISTACHIOS off the grill.

CARLEY (CONT’D)

Meanwhile let’s see how Marcus is doing with the marinade for the Tandoori Chicken thighs.

While CARLEY is on camera cooking, MARCUS takes one of the buckets of water and poses it precariously on the rocks surrounding his campfire so it will spill on the fire where the Grilled Tandoori Chicken is supposed to be made.

CARLEY looks over at MARCUS who dashes back to the prep table behind and stage right to CARLEY and her campfire.

Suddenly the bucket of water crashes onto the fire and puts it out.

MARCUS

(Rationalizing)

Oh well, I guess we’ll be doing a vegetarian cookout this afternoon. Too bad we couldn’t taste that amazing BRITISH Tandoori recipe of yours. It sounds mouthwatering!

CARLEY walks over to MARCUS cheerfully.

CARLEY

(Politely but sarcastically)

How unlike the God of War to put out a fire!

CARLEY fixes MARCUS’ collar.

CARLEY

(To the camera)

He’s just pulling your leg. Of course we can grill the Tandoori Chicken. There’s plenty of room on the other grill, and if all else fails I do have a portable charcoal grill and baguettes…

MARCUS

(Interrupting her)

In your Van! OK then, I have already cut slices along the Chicken Thighs to make it easier for the first marinade to soak in.

MARCUS points to the marinating Chicken Thighs.

I am mixing the thick Yogurt with more spices for the second marinade which will coat and remain on the chicken while grilling.

Unbeknownst to anyone on the set a young black bear, known to the Rangers as CHARLIE, is hiding in the wooded area behind the prep table. We can see him. He can smell the honey and is getting ready to get some. He is the real reason so many Rangers are there. CHARLIE crashes cookouts at the park on a regular basis.

Suddenly CHARLIE makes a dash for the honey. He is really close to MARCUS and CARLEY. CHARLIE BEAR grabs the bowl and stands up scrutinizing them.

CARLEY, her tough thermometer suddenly plunging to zero.

CARLEY

(Whispering, Terrified)

What do we do now?

MARCUS

(Hamming it up)

Don’t worry Kahuna, I got this.

MARCUS boldly uses his body to shield CARLEY. He picks up the bowl of flour ready to toss it in the BEAR’S eyes if he comes any closer.

BEVERLY tries to run to MARCUS again but is stopped in her tracks by JAKE PRODUCER.

JAKE PRODUCER

You’re not even insured Beverly.

Several of the Rangers tiptoe over, and motion for MARCUS and CARLEY to move away.

MARCUS puts his arms around CARLEY and they slowly inch toward her VAN.

All three CAMERAMEN film the Rangers and Bear.

JAKE PRODUCER

(Whispering happily)

Why didn’t we think of this?

MACK DIRECTOR

So much better than bugs!

RANGER # 1

(Softly)

Hello there Charlie. You’re out of bounds boy.

CHARLIE BEAR looks up and GROWLS, there is no way he is letting go of this treat.

CARLEY’S phone timer goes off, CHARLEY BEAR Startles, eyeballs her. She mutes the phone immediately, gazes at the campfire, but there is nothing she can do to save the rice. She can’t move.

RANGERS # 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 have their rifles up ready to shoot Charlie with tranquilizers. The other four silently open the back of the Ranger Animal Rescue Vehicle and prepare the rescue frame.

The lead Ranger nods to RANGER # 3 who has the best shot. He takes it, and CHARLIE plops down on his butt with his back against a tree. One of the Rangers puts the honey with the dead ants back on the prep table. CHARLIE is boosted onto the rescue frame, gently restrained and carried to the RESCUE VEHICLE by at least 6 Rangers. They slide him in, immobilize the fame, secure the door.

RANGER # 1

(Calming)

OK everyone, we’re going to drive Charlie deep into the mountains. He won’t be back anytime today.

CARLEY bolts to the rice. She throws on some MITTS and checks it. It’s burnt to the bottom of the pot. The STEADICAM CAMERAMAN follows her.

CARLEY looks up at the camera determined.

MACK DIRECTOR executes a ‘keep going’ rolling motion to CARLEY with his arms.

CARLEY

(Brushing off the distress from her clothes)

Even though it is burnt to the bottom of the pot, the wonderful aroma of the spiced rice is filling the air around us, urging us on to finish our gourmet cookout. Let’s blow off some steam and make a batch of Naan.

MARCUS follows CARLEY to the prep table. The flour and other ingredients are sitting there all measured out into bowls.

MARCUS

(Apologetically)

You know I have to do this.

MARCUS grabs a handful of flour and douses CARLEY with it. CARLEY grabs a tray and uses it like a shield.

She opens the rice pot and throws a fistful of sticky rice at MARCUS, following up with flour.

She sees the honey bowl picks it up and pours it over MARCUS’ head.

CARLEY

(Laughing)

How sweet you are now!

Both CARLEY and MARCUS pick up pots from the prep table and take fighting stances. CARLEY rubs her nose like a fighter before a match.

MARCUS

(Pacing himself)

I went to the Cordon Bleu! You’re from England. England has THE WORST food in the world. I should be top Chef!

CARLEY

(Gathering her strength)

Well don’t you just take the biscuit! You’re a sandwich short of a picnic! I was in the same class, you never even noticed me! I was number one. Le Cordon Bleu Premier!

MARCUS GASPS. His face lights up with a memory. He drops his pot.

MARCUS

(Excitedly)

You were the only one who could make Consommé perfectly! Head of the class. I remember you now… You were a Frump.

CARLEY drops her pot and reaches for a container of juicy sliced pears. She dumps it on MARCUS’ head, then throws more flour on for good measure.

CARLEY

(Grinning)

Now we can bake you.

MARCUS reaches for her and grabs her ass. CARLEY reaches for him. They embrace and kiss passionately as if they’re going to swallow each other up.

BEVERLY

(Despairingly, screaming)

Marcus Farina, how dare you!

JAKE PRODUCER and MACK DIRECTOR stare at CARLEY AND MARCUS and then turn to each other.

JAKE PRODUCER

(Cheerfully)

We can rename the show… how about The Saucy Gourmets.

MACK DIRECTOR

(Just as happily)

I like it… or, The HUNGRY Gourmets, oh… The Afternoon Delight Gourmets.

JAKE PRODUCER

(Fist bumping Mack)

Or Food Love In The Afternoon.

MACK DIRECTOR

(Shaking his head)

That’s what happens when you study cooking in France.

They both laugh out loud.

FADE OUT.

[Susan]

Christi and Mike,

This has been my favorite class on ScreenwritingU because of the two of you. Before this the Thriller class was my favorite, it has great stuff in it, and although there is supposed to be group feedback there were so many people in it when I took it and people formed cliques and only responded to each other. No one ever gave me any feedback the entire time. It was so disappointing.

You have both been so helpful and generous, I really hope we do the writing group.

I’m working on my Cycle 6 Revision. Hopefully I’ll post it tomorrow.

Thank you so much.

😺

[Susan]

Hi Mike:

I REALLY like your revision. It is fast paced (you are exceptionally good at that), funny, and suspenseful. The setting is great. It works a lot better than the original. Your writing is great and you can raise it even more.

The argumentative dialogue is great. I kept seeing Bob Hope as Marcus (until the end of course – then Marcus does a great sneaky switch and is more like Bing Crosby – just kidding) and Dorothy Lamour arguing, and her slapping him around.

I’ll get rid of my questions now… “oblique” is very specific and unless someone works out or is in the medical field unlikely they’ll know what you’re talking about, ribs is more recognizable and definitely more old timey if that is where this is going.

I’m not completely sure when this is supposed to be taking place. A lot of things seem old fashioned and others seem modern (like spazz). If it is in the present, but in an old place, then the bad penny idiom is overused and something else would be better. If it is a couple of hundred years ago, OK. Why don’t we know when this is taking place? Also what are they looking for? It would be more interesting and more mysterious for me if there were some clues or some sense as to what this item is/about, and why it is so important to each of them. I don’t care about it, and I don’t know why they do either. I know you are working on the intrigue and mystery, but knowing absolutely nothing about why they are going to the dungeons and what they are looking for and why, makes it less of of a mystery and less intriguing.

We have some description on what Marcus looks like, but not Carley. Is it because it’s not important. I had the opposite in mine Carley was described because I thought it wass meaningful, but Marcus wasn’t (I just added something for him in the revision that I believe is an improvement, so thank you 😉 ). What’s Carley wearing? Is she buxom? How does she move (besides the fighting). Is she gorgeous? Why is she so attractive to Marcus aside from food? Why is she so attracted to him? Is it because he is mysterious?

I love how Marcus just shows up on the road in the dark and Carley uses her superpower punch to get him again.

I love that the wolves multiply. I love that I’m not absolutely sure if he’s a werewolf or a vampire (or something else) in the end.

You did a great job with the interest techniques and traits. Does Marcus want Carley to lose though? Or is his strategy to win her, and in winning her she is lost?

Good hooks. Good Cliff hanger. Great writing!

[Susan]

Hi Christi,

Don’t hit me… I’m trying to help you get read.

So Hal says the reader has to want to keep reading, so things need to move at pace and keep their interest. Take a look at all your action. I know you know this, Screenplays are not novels. But when you’re tired the novelist in you just pours out. ALL action is in the present moment, not what happened before, or even recently. Even if it’s a flashback, the flashback is happening in the moment. The only time anything would have past tense and not ACTIVE present tense would be in dialgue when someone is telling a story (which we mostly avoid, except for really big grossing films like Lord of the Rings 😉 ) Don’t get me wrong, I have to reread my action to make sure I’m not doing the same thing. I believe you really need to fix this before submitting any screenplays.

You did such a great job with all of their traits, and I like that Marcus’ way of setting people up to lose is only in scrabble! That’s just terrific. Also great work using interest techniques. Your writing has truly grown.

I love this story. It’s sweet, entertaining, and interesting. 👏

[Susan]

☺

• This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Hi Everyone,

I know this appears much longer than it is supposed to be, but I had an idea and since this was the last cycle, I wanted to see it through. Also, it is not really as long as it appears. I felt it was necessary to put in description and action to make the scene understandable. If I’m wrong, please let me know. Thanks

Susan McClary’s Maximum Interest QE Cycle #6

Logline: Marcus vies for Carley’s top spot on the cooking show… “The Afternoon Gourmet” during sweeps week but it doesn’t turn out as planned.

Essence: Live campfire cooking show in State Park Picnic area during sweeps weeks… what doesn’t go wrong?

Traits:

Carley changed from Caring to Food Theorist

Carley New Traits: Tough, Food Theorist, Distracting/Evasive, Polite

Marcus changed from Commanding to Stage Hog

Marcus New Traits: Strategic, Stage Hog, Imaginative, Apologetic

Scene: The Afternoon Gourmets

EXT: PICNIC AREA STATE PARK AUTUMN AFTERNOON

A cooking show, “The Afternoon Gourmet” is finishing setting up for a live outdoor camping cookout for sweeps weeks.

The crew place the outdoor over-fire grills on the two campfire setups and light them both up.

The area is surrounded by buckets of water and some of sand. There is a long hose attached to a water truck nearby as well, and several Forest Ranger Vehicles including one that could hold animals. The Rangers have stun guns, hand guns, rifles and belts with various types of ammunition including darts.

Ten State Forest Rangers are scattered around the area. The only other people there are the crew, the Producer/MACK, the Director/JAKE, and Marcus Farina’s Manager BEVERLY who is allowed to take photos (which will need Producer approval) for her publicity campaign for Marcus.

Makeup is prepping the two stars, CARLEY NIGHTINGALE (British) and MARCUS FARINA (American). His ARTIST is dirtying MARCUS’ nails. He is protesting.

MARCUS

(Apologetically, Strategically)

You know, no one will want to eat any food I cook if my fingernails look like this. Clean them now. And I don’t care what the Di-rector said, just do it. I’ll deal with him later.

MAKEUP ARTIST #1

(Stifling a laugh)

Yes Mr. Farina.

CARLEY is being made up to look like an outdoors woman. Dressed uncharacteristically in figure hugging designer jeans (like Re/Done or Veronica Beard) and a British flower print flannel shirt, she is incredibly uncomfortable but stunning.

CARLEY

(To Makeup Artist #2 in British Accent)

Would you please call over wardrobe Pet, these slacks are going up my you know what!

MAKEUP ARTIST #2

(Hiding her exasperation and giggles)

I’ll be right back

The Director and Producer walk over to the Stars and hunker between them.

JAKE PRODUCER

(Stage whispering)

You two, we need you ready for this. It’s live today… a two hour special out here in the wild. I know you are both prepared. I just want you to know the Rangers are here to keep the crowd away. And remember it’s sweeps weeks and we want to bring up those ratings!

JAKE walks away and stations himself by CAMERAMAN #1.

MACK DIRECTOR

(Encouragingly, but staring down Marcus)

Now try and get along today. I know you can BOTH be consummate professionals…

The DIRECTOR MACK kicks MARCUS’ chair pretending it is accidental.

MACK DIRECTOR (CONT’D)

if you want to be.

CARLEY rolls her eyes, bites her lip, and looks away from MARCUS.

MARCUS

(Explaining apologetically/Gaslighting)

You know I always try really hard to get every line right. I only want what’s best for the show. It’s difficult you know when you’ve studied at the Cordon Bleu to be thrust into a show with someone who is not up to the same gourmet level, and from Britain no less… they have the WORST food!

MACK DIRECTOR

(Seriously, knitting the fingers of both hands together as a guide)

We need our Stars to work together, if that is not possible then….

MACK saunters over to the Producer.

MACK DIRECTOR (CONT’D)

(Using a Megaphone)

Ready on the set. This is a 1 minute warning. Places everybody NOW! This is live people.

CARLEY and MARCUS rush over to the prep table to begin the shoot. CARLEY tries to pull the jeans out of her crotch as she goes. Every once in a while during this scene, when her lower half is off camera, she does the same thing.

MACK DIRECTOR

Three, Two, One, Action!

CARLEY

(Serenely not looking at Marcus perched right next to her)

Welcome to The Afternoon Gourmet, and to our two hour live special! We are out here in the wild in our beautiful State Park (pick one) with a set of Gourmet campfire recipes to tickle anyone’s fancy.

Carley sweeps her arms above the prep table.

CARLEY (CONT’D)

(Confidentially)

We will be making a scrummy gourmet feast straight out of India… For the main dish, Grilled Tandori Chicken Thighs. We’ll be using the darker juicier meat to keep it moist on the grill. We’ll also be cooking up Saffron Basmati Rice, Naan bread, Baby Greens and Cucumber Salad, with Honeyed Apple Pears for Dessert. Because we are campfire cooking we are using a few store bought bits and bobs… like condiments such as Mango Chutney. When buying these please make sure you buy an excellent brand. And as always you can find the recipes and quantities on our website. Shall we get going?

CARLEY pulls out two disposable cooking gloves from a box. MARCUS jumps upstage of CARLEY and stands in front of the prep table and CARLEY.

MARCUS

(Jokingly)

And I imagine you’ll be changing into a Saree before we sit down to…

MARCUS pushes down on the edge of the prep table and the bowl of Chicken Thighs tumbles down into the dirt.

MARCUS

(Apologetically like a cat)

eat? You know I meant to do that. Those Chicken thighs smelled off. It is extremely important that all your ingredients are really fresh to avoid food poisoning.

CARLEY points to the STEADICAM CAMERAMAN, then makes a follow me motion with her hand. She leads the viewers away from the mess so the crew can quickly clean up. She stops at her Van.

CARLEY

(Wearing her disposable gloves)

In Food Theory, knowing how to prepare in case of accidents,

which might occur more often in the wild, requires little mental effort. Consequently I brought extras.

CARLEY slides open the van door and sweeps her arms again showing a series of boxes and coolers inside. She grabs the one marked Chicken Thighs and begins the march back toward the prep table.

CARLEY stares down MARCUS off camera as she walks back toward the prep table.

As she walks MARCUS stares at her bum. His MANAGER BEVERLY tries to get to him, but is stopped by the PRODUCER JAKE who sticks his arm out like a railroad crossing gate. BEVERLY bumps right into it barely keeping her balance.

MACK DIRECTOR vanishes behind his vehicle and takes out two plastic containers, then creeps around to the wooded area behind the prep table. He really reaches, dumping out one container of ants, and another of grasshoppers right under the table.

MACK slinks back to JAKE.

MACK DIRECTOR

(Giving a Fist Bump)

Done!

JAKE PRODUCER rubs his hands together gleefully.

JAKE PRODUCER

Sweeps weeks here we come!

CARLEY arrives at the prep table placing the cold Stainless Steel Bowl of Chicken Thighs down. She looks back up at the camera.

CARLEY

(Glancing at Marcus)

Let’s get started with the marinade shall we?

MARCUS

(Changing his lines)

We will be using non-traditional spices for this recipe.

CARLEY

(Distracting, Smiling)

Codswallop! We have all of our traditional gourmet spices ready right here on the prep table.

As CAMERAMAN #1 pushes in on the tiny bowls of East Indian spices we see a larger bowl of honey covered in ants, and grasshoppers chomping on a large bowl of lettuce.

CARLEY

Oh my!

CARLEY takes a step back from the table.

MARCUS

(Looking at the Camera but Taunting Carley)

Well I guess that’s the end of the salad and desert! Too bad too, it sounded luscious. Well folks while the crew cleans this up Carley and I will have a little debate… Food Theory vs. Cordon Bleu gourmet cooking.

The crew comes in again and removes the honey and the salad and puts them several feet away from the table on the ground.

CARLEY

(Bravely)

It just so happens I have duplicates of the Honey and Lettuce in my Van as well, Marcus. And although I appreciate a chinwag as much as the next person, I’m sure our audience would prefer it, to get on with the actual cooking. So I am going to heat enough water for our rice in one pot.

CARLEY glides over to the stage left campfire carrying both pots. A stage hand has already placed a small folding table by the campfire for the measured ingredients, including water.

In another pot I am lightly toasting Cinnamon, Cardamom, Cloves and Peppercorn in Ghee… now I add the fragrant Basmati kernels toasting for just a moment… then stir in the hot water and cover. While the rice is cooking I will lightly toast pistachios which we will add in when the rice is done. I am setting a timer on my phone.

CARLEY pulls the frying pan of PISTACHIOS off the grill.

CARLEY (CONT’D)

Meanwhile let’s see how Marcus is doing with the marinade for the Tandoori Chicken thighs.

While CARLEY is on camera cooking, MARCUS takes one of the buckets of water and poses it precariously on the rocks surrounding his campfire so it will spill on the fire where the Grilled Tandoori Chicken is supposed to be made.

CARLEY looks over at MARCUS who dashes back to the prep table behind and stage right to CARLEY and her campfire.

Suddenly the bucket of water crashes onto the fire and puts it out.

MARCUS

(Rationalizing)

Oh well, I guess we’ll be doing a vegetarian cookout this afternoon. Too bad we couldn’t taste that amazing BRITISH Tandoori recipe of yours. It sounds mouthwatering!

CARLEY walks over to MARCUS cheerfully.

CARLEY

(Politely but sarcastically)

How unlike the God of War to put out a fire!

CARLEY fixes MARCUS’ collar.

CARLEY

(To the camera)

He’s just pulling your leg. Of course we can grill the Tandoori Chicken. There’s plenty of room on the other grill, and if all else fails I do have a portable charcoal grill and baguettes…

MARCUS

(Interrupting her)

In your Van! OK then, I have already cut slices along the Chicken Thighs to make it easier for the first marinade to soak in.

MARCUS points to the marinating Chicken Thighs.

I am mixing the thick Yogurt with more spices for the second marinade which will coat and remain on the chicken while grilling.

Unbeknownst to anyone on the set a young black bear, known to the Rangers as CHARLIE, is hiding in the wooded area behind the prep table. We can see him. He can smell the honey and is getting ready to get some. He is the real reason so many Rangers are there. CHARLIE crashes cookouts at the park on a regular basis.

Suddenly CHARLIE makes a dash for the honey. He is really close to MARCUS and CARLEY. CHARLIE grabs the bowl and stands up.

CARLEY

(Whispering, Terrified)

What do we do now?

MARCUS

(Hamming it up)

Don’t worry Kahuna, I got this.

MARCUS boldly uses his body to shield CARLEY.

BEVERLY tries to run to MARCUS again but is stopped in her tracks by JAKE PRODUCER.

JAKE PRODUCER

You’re not even insured Beverly.

Several of the Rangers tiptoe over, and motion for MARCUS and CARLEY to move away.

MARCUS puts his arms around CARLEY and they slowly move toward her VAN.

All three CAMERAMEN are taping the Rangers and the Bear.

JAKE PRODUCER

(Whispering happily)

Why didn’t we think of this?

MACK DIRECTOR

So much better than bugs!

RANGER # 1

(Softly)

Hello there Charlie. You’re out of bounds boy.

CHARLIE BEAR looks up and GROWLS, there is no way he is letting go of this treat.

CARLEY’S phone timer goes off, she mutes it immediately, but there is nothing she can do to save the rice. She can’t move.

RANGERS # 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 have their rifles up and are ready to shoot Charlie with tranquilizers. The other four are opening the back of the Ranger Animal Rescue Vehicle and quietly dragging out a rescue frame.

The lead Ranger nods to RANGER # 3 who has the best shot. He takes it, and CHARLIE plops down on his butt with his back against a tree. He is boosted onto the rescue frame, gently restrained and carried to the RESCUE VEHICLE by at least 6 Rangers. They slide him in.

RANGER # 1

(Calming)

OK everyone, we’re going to drive Charlie deep into the mountains. He won’t be back anytime today.

CARLEY bolts to the rice. She throws on some MITTS and checks it. It’s burnt to the bottom of the pot. The STEADICAM CAMERAMAN follows her.

CARLEY looks up at the camera determined.

MACK DIRECTOR executes a ‘keep going’ rolling motion to CARLEY with his arms.

CARLEY

(Brushing off the distress from her clothes)

Even though it is burnt to the bottom of the pot, the wonderful aroma of the spiced rice is filling the air around us, urging us on to finish our gourmet cookout. Let’s blow off some steam and make a batch of Naan.

MARCUS follows CARLEY to the prep table. The flour and other ingredients are sitting there all measured out into bowls.

MARCUS

(Apologetically)

You know I have to do this.

MARCUS grabs a handful of flour and douses CARLEY with it.

CARLEY opens the rice pot and throws a fistful of sticky rice at MARCUS, following up with some flour.

MARCUS

(Pacing himself)

I went to the Cordon Bleu! You’re from England. England has THE WORST food in the world. I should be top Chef!

CARLEY

(Gathering her strength)

Well don’t you just take the biscuit! You’re a sandwich short of a picnic! I was in the same class, you never even noticed me! I was number one.

MARCUS GASPS. His face lights up with a memory.

MARCUS

(Excitedly)

You were the only one who could make Consomme perfectly! Head of the class. I remember you now. You were a Frump.

CARLEY reaches for a container of sliced pears. She dumps it on MARCUS’ head, then throws more flour on for good measure.

CARLEY

(Grinning)

Now we can bake you.

MARCUS reaches for her and grabs her ass. CARLEY reaches for him. They embrace and kiss passionately as if they’re going to swallow each other up.

BEVERLY

(Despairingly, screaming)

Marcus Farina, how dare you!

JAKE PRODUCER and MACK DIRECTOR stare at CARLEY AND MARCUS and then turn to each other.

JAKE PRODUCER

(Cheerfully)

We can rename the show… how about The Saucy Gourmets.

MACK DIRECTOR

(Just as happily)

I like it… or, The HUNGRY Gourmets, oh… The Afternoon Delight Gourmets.

JAKE PRODUCER

(Fist bumping Mack)

Or Food Love In The Afternoon.

MACK DIRECTOR

(Shaking his head)

That’s what happens when you study cooking in France.

They both laugh out loud.

FADE OUT.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: Added note to classmates

[Susan]

Hi Mike,

This Revision definitely raised the bar and is also more serious. Phillip is a real POS, but I can’t say Brandy isn’t either. 😉

I enjoyed that you put “A Christmas Carol” into the scene and it plays better the 2nd time around. And it’s nice to know Tiny Tim got the use of his legs back on the other side….

Also the old time Humphry Bogartesque Action gave me a chuckle.

You did a really good job with the reveals, and the dramatic character relationships, although I’m not sure those were based on their traits. Their subtext came shining through.

Phillip appears more needy than Brandy and I’m not getting her status seeking either. I do see entertaining and deceptive a great deal.

Phillip certainly has a sense of entitlement and is manipulative, these traits really stand out. I could tell he is also guilt ridden, but I’m not sure about polite. It’s a tough one though. He doesn’t speak in a harsh way, but… what exactly makes a person sound polite. I’m up against it in the next Cycle myself.

Oh also, the scene just speeds along, it’s great.

Anyway great job again, of course, and I could have missed a LOT because I still feel like I can’t keep my eyes open most of the day and taking nap doesn’t work. 🤭 So it’s quite possible you shouldn’t listen to a word I wrote!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Maximum Interest Cycle 5 Revision

Logline: Russian Spy vs Ukraine Spy at the Russian Circus

Essence: Betrayal upon betrayal leading to assassination

Scene: CIRCUS PLAYERS

INT/EXT CONTINUOUS MOSCOW CIRCUS

MAIN RING AFTERNOON

BRENDI ROSTOVANOVA and FILIPP KAZAK are Aerialists performing a trapeze love dance. Near the end FILIPP allows one of her hands to slip through his. She quickly grabs his forearm before he can snap it away and saves herself. A look of fury overtakes her face.

BRENDI purposefully ends the show early and swings down into the net.

The TWO aerialists bow to a roaring crowd. BRENDI bows again with a flourish, and they ballet out of the circle.

CUT TO:

DRESSING ROOM:

BRENDI bangs open the door to their dressing room.

BRENDI

(Angrily whispering)

You fool! You almost dropped me!

The muted SOUNDS of clowns and a calliope can be heard in the background.

FILIPP

(Snuggling up)

It’s a good thing there are nets, no? My darling girl, I don’t know what I would do without you.

FILIPP twirls BRENDI around by her hand and then kisses it.

BRENDI pushes FILIPP away and turns her face from him, we can see her face in the makeup table mirror.

BRENDI

(Agonizing)

I don’t want to look a fool on stage! I work my body so hard, to be precise, and the work beautiful.

FILIPP

(Manipulatively stroking her face, chuckling)

The audience adored you. You threw dust in their eyes…. Forgive me, please. It was accident. Moya lyubov (my love)… You think I purposefully drop you? Why?

FILIPP gently tickles BRENDI, she laughs.

BRENDI

Stop… FILIPP!

FILIPP turns BRENDI tightly to him, squeezes her amorously.

FILIPP

Because you in agreement with Putin cancel Christmas for third population?

BRENDI

(Playfully pushing him away, giggling)

Don’t hang noodles on my ears, Filipp.

There is a knock on the door, a STAGEHAND brings in a bouquet of several dozen roses for BRENDI.

FILIPP

See… what did I tell you?

BRENDI puts one leg up on the makeup table chair and plays with her short skirt.

BRENDI

I don’t understand why you were so off today. You seem nervous. What’s bothering you, darling?

Suddenly a trio of Politseyskiy barge into the Dressing Room.

POLITSEYSKIY #1

Brendi Rostovonova we are searching you for contraband.

BRENDI

(Shocked)

What?! What are you talking about?

POLITSEYSKIY #2

(Dismissively)

We received call that you have been smoking and drinking in public place. Circus is public place.

POLITSEYSKIY #3

(Condemning)

You go up in air drunk? If we find contraband you will be arrest.

FILIPP

(Feigning Disbelief)

Who would do such an idiotic thing?

The THREE POLITSEYSKIY upend the entire dressing room throwing large quantities of cigarettes packs and miniature liquor bottles on a tarp in the center of the room. BRENDI manages to catch the huge vase of roses before it falls on the floor.

FILIPP stares at the pillage.

FILIPP

Where did all that come from?

POLITSEYSKIY #2

Mister Kazak you will come too for questions.

FILIPP is startled. This does not fit in with his plans.

FILIPP

(Hiding guilt)

I have nothing to do with this!

BRENDI rushes over to FILIPP and POLITSEYSKIY #2

BRENDI

(Spicily)

He has nothing to do with it. It is all me. Leave him to clean up… pretty please.

POLITSEYSKIY #2

Since you confess, we will leave him. You, Miss Rostovonova, are arrest.

BRENDI grabs her coat and is hauled out the door.

CUT TO:

POLITSIYA VEHICLE BACK EXIT OF CIRCUS

It is snowing and the streets are covered in at least a foot of snow.

BRENDI is shoved into the back of the police car. As soon as the door is closed she speaks with authority.

BRENDI

I am Agent 7831 of the FSO. I need to speak to my handler immediately.

I have been set up. Give me your phone now.

All three Poliseyskiy are seriously distressed, and defer.

BRENDI takes the phone and calls.

BRENDI

(In hushed tones)

Agent 7831 urgently calling.

ALEXSANDR

Tell me.

BRENDI

I believe Filipp the assassin for Illya Kiva and Darya Dugina… and he is planning something… wait he is sneaking out the back of the Circus.

Filipp is still wearing his costume, his coat thrown over it. He does not hail a taxi or call for a Yandex, but starts walking.

BRENDI

(To Politseyski #2)

Follow him on foot and report back here. We will be behind.

BRENDI lifts the phone back up to her ear.

BRENDI (CONT’D)

(Continuing in hushed tones)

Alexsandr?

ALEXSANDR

(Testily)

Cut it out! That’s enough. I’m jumping out of my pants.

BRENDI

(Determined)

Filipp sneaks out of Circus. He is on foot. We are following him. I believe he is planning something terrible, another assassination. Putin vstrechayetsya a dedushkoy Frost v visit v tsirk. (Putin meeting Grandfather Frost at Circus visit)

ALEXSANDR

(With haste)

I am making immediate appointment with you and General Kochnev. I will be there as well. Call me back when you know about Kazak.

BRENDI

(Thrilled)

Yes Sir. Immediately.

BRENDI puts the phone down next to her, she pulls a small listening device out of her coat pocket. The vehicle slows down and stops near the Farsh Restaurant Bar. Filipp goes inside.

CUT TO:

INT RESTAURANT

The inside of the place is dark and crowded. It is Happy Hour. Filipp walks to the back looking for his coconspirator. He sees him and sidles up to him.

FILIPP

(Hissing, grumbling angrily)

Are you kidding me?! I believe lost Brendi forever. She will hate me. If she ever find out who set her up with Politsiya… only to meet you. First woman I ever truly love….

FILIPP removes a closed switchblade from his coat pocket, hiding it in his hand.

FILIPP

(Threatening)

What is so urgent?

There is a man concealed in shadow in a corner next to Filipp.

SHADOW MAN

(Ominously)

Don’t make an elephant out of a fly! Remember your brother. I have your next assignment.

CUT TO:

POLICE CAR

BRENDI is listening to every word.

BRENDI picks up the phone…

BRENDI

(To herself)

I knew it.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Maximum Interest Cycle 5

Logline: Russian Spy vs Ukraine Spy at the Russian Circus

Essence: Betrayal upon betrayal leading to assassination

Scene: CIRCUS PLAYERS

INT/EXT CONTINUOUS MOSCOW CIRCUS

MAIN RING AFTERNOON

BRENDI ROSTOVANOVA and FILIPP KAZAK are Aerialists performing a trapeze love dance. Near the end FILIPP allows one of her hands to slip through his. She quickly grabs his forearm before he can snap it away and saves herself. A look of fury overtakes her face.

BRENDI purposefully ends the show early and swings down into the net.

The TWO aerialists bow to a roaring crowd. BRENDI bows again with a flourish, and they ballet out of the circle.

CUT TO:

DRESSING ROOM:

BRENDI bangs open the door to their dressing room.

BRENDI

(Angrily whispering)

You fool! You almost dropped me!

The muted SOUNDS of clowns and a calliope can be heard in the background.

FILIPP

(Snuggling up)

It’s a good thing there are nets, no? My darling girl, I don’t know what I would do without you.

FILIPP twirls BRENDI around by her hand and then kisses it.

BRENDI pushes FILIPP away and turns her face from him, we can see her face in the makeup table mirror.

BRENDI

(Agonizing)

I don’t want to look a fool on stage! I work my body so hard, to be precise, and the work beautiful.

FILIPP

(Manipulatively, chuckling)

The audience loved you. You threw dust in their eyes…. Forgive me, please. Do you think that I would drop you just because you support Putin cancelling Christmas for a third of the population?

BRENDI

Don’t hang noodles on my ears, Filipp.

There is a knock on the door, a STAGEHAND brings in a bouquet of several dozen roses for BRENDI.

FILIPP

See… what did I tell you?

BRENDI

I don’t understand why you were so off today. You seem nervous.

Suddenly a trio of Politseyskiy barge into the Dressing Room.

POLITSEYSKIY #1

Brendi Rostovonova we are searching you for contraband.

BRENDI

(Shocked)

What?! What are you talking about?

POLITSEYSKIY #2

(Dismissively)

We received call that you have been smoking and drinking in public place. Circus is public place.

POLITSEYSKIY #3

(Condemning)

You go up in air drunk? If we find contraband you will be arrest.

FILIPP

(Feigning Disbelief)

Who would do such an idiotic thing?

The THREE POLITSEYSKIY upend the entire dressing room throwing large quantities of cigarettes packs and miniature liquor bottles on a tarp in the center of the room. BRENDI manages to catch the vase of roses before it falls on the floor.

FILIPP stares at the pillage.

FILIPP

Where did all that come from?

POLITSEYSKIY #2

Mister Kazak you will come too for questions.

FILIPP is startled. This does not fit in with his plans.

FILIPP

(Hiding guilt)

I have nothing to do with this!

BRENDI rushes over to FILIPP and POLITSEYSKIY #2

BRENDI

(Spicily)

He has nothing to do with it. It is all me. Leave him to clean up… pretty please.

POLITSEYSKIY #2

Since you confess, we will leave him. You, Miss Rostovonova, are arrest.

BRENDI grabs her coat and is hauled out the door.

CUT TO:

POLITSIYA VEHICLE BACK EXIT OF CIRCUS

It is snowing and the streets are covered in at least a foot of snow.

BRENDI is shoved into the back of the police car. As soon as the door is closed she speaks with authority.

BRENDI

I am Agent 7831 of the FSO. I need to speak to my handler immediately.

I have been set up. Give me your phone now.

All three Poliseyskiy are seriously distressed, and defer.

BRENDI takes the phone and calls.

BRENDI

(In hushed tones)

Agent 7831 urgently calling.

ALEXSANDR

Tell me.

BRENDI

I believe Filipp the assassin for Illya Kiva and Darya Dugina… and he is planning something… wait he is sneaking out the back of the Circus.

Filipp is still wearing his costume, his coat thrown over it. He does not hail a taxi or call for a Yandex, but starts walking.

BRENDI

(To Politseyski #2)

Follow him on foot and report back here. We will be behind.

BRENDI lifts the phone back up to her ear.

BRENDI (CONT’D)

(Continuing in hushed tones)

Alexsandr?

ALEXSANDR

(Testily)

Cut it out! That’s enough. I’m jumping out of my pants.

BRENDI

(Determined)

Filipp sneaks out of Circus. He is on foot. We are following him. I believe he is planning something terrible, another assassination.

ALEXSANDR

(With haste)

I am making immediate appointment with you and General Kochnev. I will be there as well. Call me back when you know about Kazak.

BRENDI

(Thrilled)

Yes Sir. Immediately.

BRENDI puts the phone down next to her, she pulls a small listening device out of her coat pocket. The vehicle slows down and stops near the Farsh Restaurant Bar. Filipp goes inside.

CUT TO:

INT RESTAURANT

The inside of the place is dark and crowded. It is Happy Hour. Filipp walks to the back looking for his coconspirator. He sees him and sidles up to him.

FILIPP

(Whispering angrily)

Are you kidding me?! I think I just lost Brendi forever. What is so urgent? I had to set her up with the Politsiya to get away from her.

There is a MAN concealed in shadow in a corner next to Filipp.

SHADOW MAN

(Ominously)

Don’t make an elephant out of a fly! I have your next assignment.

CUT TO:

POLICE CAR

BRENDI is listening to every word.

BRENDI picks up the phone…

BRENDI

(To herself)

I knew it.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Even though we weren’t required to add this I thought it might be useful if you knew that I changed one of each of the character’s traits.

Brendi Rostovanova: New Traits: Status Seeking, Entertaining, Deceptive, Fireball

Filipp Kazak: New Traits: Manipulative, Sense of Entitlement, Guilt Ridden, Amorous

[Susan]

Subject: Susan McClary’s Interest Scene

What I learned from this assignment…

Wow! So much. Using these ideas was enough for a short, or a new idea for a screenplay. Way to go!

Logline: Julie (early 30’s) honks hello to a friend in a grocery store parking lot. This disturbs Ethel (81 yo), who is walking to the store with her husband Marty Gribbel, who freaks out.

Brainstorm Interest Technique Ideas:

1 – STRUCTURAL

A. Suspense

Will Ethel have a heart attack when the honking happens? She grabs her chest and bends over.

Will Ethel completely destroy Julie’s Rover.

What will happen to Ethel

B. Major Twist

Ethel is not so disabled, she can do miraculous things!

Julie tries to calm Ethel, but she wrecks Julies Rover.

Ethel is a Judge and has many friends in law enforcement.

Ethel’s husband Marty tells Ethel everything will be OK, but he commiserates with Julie of the truth about what she did and tells her he will tell the police the truth.

The Swat Team is really there to get Marty. They’ve been looking for him for a while for murdering his last 4 wives. He keeps changing his name and marrying wealthy women. All his money is in offshore accounts.

C. Surprise

Ethel jumps on top of Julie’s Rover and bangs the roof with her metal cane.

Julie appears to calm her, but…

THEN Ethel lies down on her back holding on to the sides of the hood kicks hard and breaks the windshield with her feet,

THEN one of her shoe heels punches through the glass, the shoe splits and Ethel’s leg gets cut by the glass (she is oblivious to it)

D. More interesting setting

In front of an IKEA?

E. Mislead/Reveal

Ethel appears to need her husband Marty’s help and her cane to walk, but NO!

Julie follows Ethel into the store for what appears to be to calm her and make it up to her how she startled her with the horn, but she has actually called the police and is making sure Ethel doesn’t leave the area.

She tries to get her address to send her flowers.

F. Superior Position/Dramatic Irony

Someone films the incident on their camera sends it to the police and a swat team is on the way

G. Uncertainty/Hope

Julie apologizes and Ethel calms down for a moment, but then becomes even more enraged at how Julie thinks just an apology will remove her shock.

After Ethel and her husband Marty enter the store she calms down, Julie goes in after her to apologize and get her address to supposedly send her flowers, but then Ethel reaches another peak of insanity while Julie is questioning her, and picks up a series of nesting baskets screaming shut up, shut up, shut up and stuffing them from smallest to largest over Julie’s head.

Ethel’s husband Marty calms her down again and she curls up in a ball on a children’s bed display.

Suddenly she jumps up and starts jumping on the bed so hard it collapses

H. Intrigue

The husband Marty speaks to Ethel as if he has had to do something similar before because he has been doing something to affect her behavior.

I. Mystery

What is wrong with Ethel?

Is this drug related?

Is Ethel psychotic?

What is going to happen?

J. Cliffhanger

The scene ends as the Swat team surrounds the building and the leader pulls out a bullhorn. He speaks to Ethel’s husband Marty. It is the husband Marty that they are after. They’ve finally caught up with him, he’s murdered his past 4 wives with LSD overdoses.

L. Something Unseen

Ethel’s daughter has been suspicious of Ethel’s husband Marty and has reported him for elder abuse.

2 – CHARACTER

A. Character Changes Radically

Ethel goes from an older lady walking with help from her husband Marty and a cane to explosive violent episodes and tears.

Julie goes from apologetic to hysterical and then calm and apologetic.

B. Betrayal

Ethel’s husband Marty tells Julie that Ethel is the one in the wrong.

Ethel’s husband Marty is trying to murder her by overdosing her with LSD so she behaves in ways that will cause her own demise.

Unbeknownst to Marty Ethel left Marty out of her will, everything goes to her children.

C. Dilemma

Julie has a choice to physically remove Ethel from her car.

Ethel has a choice to forgive Julie or to snub her.

D. Uncomfortable Moment

Ethel destroying the car, Julie apologizing to a fruitcake, Ethel loading boxes on Julies head, Ethel curled up on the child’s bed crying, Ethel jumping up and down on the bed and breaking it.

E. Misinterpretation

The store manager believes Ethel has Alzheimer’s and calmly requests her husband Marty take her home, all the while her husband Marty has dosing Ethel out on LSD.

We originally think the Swat team is there for Ethel, but they are there for Marty.

3 – DIALOGUE

A. Hook

Ethel starts screaming at the top of her lungs

The Swat team, “Marty ?G? We know you’re in there. Come out with your hands up.”

B. Predictions

Julie says she is going to call the police… the police may come

The person who sends the video to the police… the police will come

C. Creating a Future

Marty will be arrested

Ethel will have a psych evaluation

Marty and Ethel will have to pay for Julie’s car

Julie will expect a massage or a chiropractor

The store will need to remove the child’s bed

EMS will need to attend to Ethel for her behavior and the injuries she sustained when she broke the bed and the window to Julie’s Rover

D. Anticipatory Dialogue

Julie asks for Ethel’s address

Julie says she will call the police

Marty says he will back Julie up

WRITE THE SCENE:

ETHEL’S DISMAY

EXT/INT CONTINUOUS

LATE AFTERNOON IKEA PARKING LOT

ETHEL (81 YO White woman) is walking with a CANE and leaning on her husband MARTY in the IKEA parking lot. They are slowly edging their way towards the store entrance.

JULIE is in her ROVER, loud AUTOTUNE music pouring out the open window. JULIE honks loudly at her friend BONNIE who is driving right by her. BONNIE waves and drives on.

JULIE closes her window not noticing that the older lady, ETHEL terribly startles, clutches her chest at the loud blare of the horn, and is bent forward crying.

Out of nowhere ETHEL, suddenly filled with vim and vigor, forcefully detaches herself from MARTY and stampedes to JULIE’S Rover. She is screaming at the top of her lungs.

A BYSTANDER films everything with their phone making sure to get MARTY in the frame.

ETHEL

(Waving her cane in the air)

Crazy! Crazy! Crazy! You almost gave me a heart attack you bitch!

ETHEL steams up to the driver side window. JULIE keeps it closed.

JULIE makes the prayer sign with her hands.

JULIE

(Yelling through the glass)

Soooo Sorry! Soooo Sorry!

ETHEL

(Raising her eyebrows)

Oh yeah, you will be!

ETHEL bangs the roof of the Rover with her metal CANE over where JULIE’S head is, then starts circling the vehicle banging as she goes.

ETHEL sings “Don’t Give Up The Fight” by Bob Marley, while Skanking (Jamaican dancing) around the Rover and using the beats to smash her cane on the top of the Rover.

ETHEL

(In a Jamaican accent)

Stand Up for your rights, Get Up, Stand Up, Stand Up for your rights. Get Up, Stand Up, Stand Up for your rights. Did you hear. Stand Up for your rights. One more time. Get Up, Stand Up, Stand Up for your rights. Did you Hear? DON’T GIVE UP YOUR RIGHTS!

JULIE

(Shrieking) You’ll pay for this! You’ll pay!)

ETHEL stops dancing, drops her cane, and raises herself on top of the hood of the Rover. She is on her back now holding on to the sides of the hood.

ETHEL lifts her head and gleefully smiles at JULIE. Then suddenly smashes at the windshield with her hard Steel Reinforced Orthopedic Medical Walker Boots.

JULIE covers her face with both arms and crunches down in the seat.

ETHEL keeps kicking away at the windshield until one of her hard Steel Reinforced Orthopedic Boots punctures the window. She is now stuck and can’t get out.

ETHEL

(Yelling)

Martin, get the hell over here and help me now!

Marty traipses to ETHEL, smirking. JULIE slowly gets out of her Rover.

MARTY

(Looking Ethel over)

How do you want to do this hun?

ETHEL

(Annoyed, sneers at Julie)

Just get me the hell out of here!

ETHEL clutches the sides of the Rover and MARTY carefully removes her boot from the window.

ETHEL is exhausted. Marty helps her down, picks up her cane for her, and they walk to IKEA.

JULIE

(In shock)

You’re just going to walk away? You have to pay for the damage!

JULIE pulls out her phone and calls 911.

JULIE (CONT’D)

A crazy woman just broke my windshield with her feet.

911 OPERATOR

What is your location please?

JULIE

The parking lot outside of IKEA, on IKEA way.

911 OPERATOR

Are you injured?

JULIE

No. Just shook up.

911 OPERATOR

Is the other party injured?

JULIE

How would I know, she just walked into the store with her husband.

911 OPERATOR

We’ll be there soon. Wait by your vehicle, please.

JULIE stands there a moment and runs into the store. She finds ETHEL and MARTY. She is making sure they don’t leave before the police arrive.

JULIE

(To Ethel, holding up her phone address book)

Look, I’m really sorry I honked. Let me make it up to you. I’d love to send you some flowers and chocolates.

ETHEL

Chocolates give me gas!

JULIE

Well, a beautiful bouquet of flowers then. Give me your address and I’ll get them to you in the morning.

ETHEL looks around and sees a shelf with a pile of stackable baskets right next to her. She proceeds to take each basket from small to large and pull them over JULIE’S head. Speaking with emphasis as she drives each basket down over JULIE’S head.

ETHEL

NO! NO! NO, Thank You! NO!

Julie collapses on the floor legs spread out wide for balance lurching forward, and wrenching the baskets off of her head. Marty bends down to help her.

ETHEL (CONT’D)

(With surprise)

You’re helping her? HER?

JULIE

(Muffled Screeching)

I can’t breathe. Help!

Marty gets the last basket off JULIE’S head. She is bright red, gasping.

JULIE (CONT’D)

(Bluffing)

I was trying to apologize.

ETHEL takes MARTY’S elbow.

ETHEL

(Pulling him away)

Let’s go do what we came for.

ETHEL and MARTY walk away toward the children’s section nearby.

The STORE MANAGER and a few other ASSOCIATES arrive and hoist JULIE up off of the floor by her armpits.

JULIE

Thank you.

Julie straightens her clothes, and walks towards ETHEL and MARTY.

STORE MANAGER

(Whispering confidentially)

Really Miss, that is a bad idea.

The STORE MANAGER calls 911 for EMTs.

STORE MANAGER (CONT’D)

Yes, we have two injured customers….

JULIE continues on. She finds ETHEL curled up in a ball crying, on a small wooden child’s bed. She knows she has the upper hand now.

JULIE

(Sorry for herself only)

YOU trashed my car! YOU accosted me! YOU are a mean, cruel old woman! YOU, you, you CREATURE!

ETHEL regaining her composure, gets up on the bed and starts jumping up and down pointing at JULIE.

ETHEL

I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!

One too many jumps on the child’s bed and it breaks through. ETHEL is left in the middle of the broken bed surrounded by bedding like a bee in a flower.

EMTs rush over to ETHEL, remove her from the bed, and begin checking her out.

EMT #1

What is your name dear? How do you feel?

ETHEL does not answer. She is looking off into space, and keeps trying to catch something invisible with her hand.

EMT #2

Look at those pupils! It looks like she’s on LSD!

EMT #2 turning around.

EMT #2 (CONT’D)

Is there anyone here with this woman.

MARTY sheepishly raises his hand.

EMT #2 (CONT’D)

Has she taken any drugs?

MARTY

(Fabricating)

I have no idea. I was at work earlier today. She has been acting weird lately.

JULIE

Weird?!

SWAT COMMANDER

(Using Bullhorn)

Martin Gribbel, you are surrounded. Come out with your hands up!

BIRDSEYE VUE

We see the IKEA store parking lot surrounded with several SWAT Squads.

ETHEL burst out of her fog.

ETHEL

(Astonished)

Why Martin our last name is Sanders! Why on Earth would they call you Gribbel?

SWAT COMMANDER

(Using Bullhorn)

Martin Gribbel, I repeat… you are surrounded. Come out with your hands up!

FADE TO BLACK.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment….

I learned that there is so much more that can be going on. I got an entire scene

based just on looking for REVEALS! Some of the reveals were only partial

reveals and there were even more cover ups! Great. I love this. This is a

REALLY rough first draft. I have covid and I’m going back to bed.

Logline: Violetta receives a telegram.

1 – What do I want to hide from the reader for dramatic effect?

a) I want to hide that the telegram is from her father the head of the Mazzarella

Camorra crime family, including that she is his daughter.

b) I want to hide the contents of the telegram, except for “Dearest Violetta, stop”.

c) I want to hide that the telegram that Violetta goes out to send is to her father,

and what it says.

2 – What are the characters hiding from each other?

Violetta:

a) Violetta who she is,

b) who sent the telegram,

c) what is in it except Fabio sees “Dearest Violetta, stop” over her shoulder,

d) and why she is going out…

e) she hides everything that she is doing from everyone else at the mansion.

Boldo:

Boldo is hiding that he is hiding from Muscalo Mazzarella a Camorra crime boss

who is already searching for him.

3 – What is already known that would be more dramatic if hidden, then

revealed?

4 – What is the best/worst/most dramatic thing that could be revealed at this

point?

a) Before and/or after the telegram Violetta expresses her disgust for Boldo, and

the things he does.

b) Fabio tries to casually look over Violetta’s shoulder to see if she has another

admirer. He sees the top, “Dearest Violetta, stop,” Violetta catches him over her

shoulder, and she hides the telegram

c) This causes Fabio terrible distress as he now thinks she has a secret suitor.

d) After the telegram Violetta confronts Boldo, asks to see his plumber’s license

(to see if it is forged/maybe she recognizes who forged it) and for references for

her employee files, and if Boldo doesn’t have them with them at least a list of

who he has worked for previously, etc.. Violetta could specifically ask about

Napoli.

Violetta Realizes Boldo is a fake plumber!

5 – Knowing the Story what could be under the surface that would create more

drama for my characters?

Fabio had a gambling debt to one of the Camorra crime families 20 years prior

(it was Muscalo’s father/Violetta’s grandfather) when he was a kid and stupid,

that his father paid up instead of Fabio getting his legs broken.

6 – Are there any deeper meanings to the things my characters are saying and

doing?

Muscalo was disappointed in Violetta for getting fired from the Napoli orchestra,

and that she left home before getting married, so Violetta wants to do something

to please her father.

Fabio is dumb-stuck in love with Violetta and wants to ask her to marry him, but

is afraid because she is so beautiful.

Boldo has no idea Violetta is Muscalo’s daughter as she was already gone when

he did the plumbing (this will be revealed later when Muscalo comes looking for

Boldo)

Structure of the Scene:

Demand 1 – Violetta enters the chateau with a basket of flowers. She sees

Fabio in the entryway and puts a fresh cut flower in his buttonhole

like she does every day “Your boutonniere ,Sir.”

Cover Up 1 – Both pretend this gentle touch means nothing

Reveal 1 – Fabio revealingly with suspicion looks over Violetta’s shoulder at her

telegram, (semi reveal: to see if she has a secret suitor)

Demand 2 – Violetta receives a telegram while they are both in the entryway

Cover Up 2 – Only Violetta can see what is in it and who sent it, and hides it

from Fabio’s view

Reveals 2 – Fabio is suspicious but we don’t know yet that he is worried Violetta

has a secret suitor and tries unsuccessfully to view it over her

shoulder

Fabio throws his lapel flower to the floor and huffs out

Violetta is all wrapped up in the telegram and doesn’t notice

As Violetta turns toward the inner home she unknowingly steps on

the flower revealing just how important the telegram is

Also Reveals Violetta’s secretiveness

Demand 3 – Violetta receives a telegram (she says OH! and steadies herself on

the entryway side table)

Cover Up 3 – Violetta and her father have not been speaking since she was

booted out of the Napoli orchestra

Reveals 3 – Violetta opens a hidden box with a key and rereads her dismissal

from the orchestra with tears in her eyes (it says it was due to a

violent attack on another violinist)

Violetta detests Boldo

Demand 4 – Violetta demands Boldo meet her in her office with his plumbers

permit

Cover Up 4 – Boldo brings his forged permit which Violetta puts aside

temporarily to question him

Reveal 4 – Once Boldo has left the office Violetta examines the permit and

recognizes it is a forgery by a specific forger in Napoli that she

is actually acquainted with as she went to school with his daughter

(she could talk to herself about this)

Demand 5 – Violetta demands to see Boldo’s references

Cover Up 5 – Boldo says that his references are in a vault for safety and he

doesn’t have them with him.

Reveal 5 – This reveals Boldo is full of shit!

Demand 5b – Violetta demands Boldo give her the names of some of his prior

clientele, where his vault is, where he is from (checks his accent

against her original accent which she normally hides by speaking

upper class Italian).

Cover Up 5b – She demands he say certain words. Boldo tries to change his

accent!

Reveal 5b – Violetta really speaks with a Napoli accent and she curses in it

when Boldo exits.

Write the Scene:

SAN REMO ITALY

INT. DOORWAY CHATEAU CONTINUOUS

VIOLETTA ENTERS, bright sunshine streams behind her and gives her the appearance of an angel. She is carrying a basket of fresh cut flowers from the gardens.

FABIO bounds to meet her at the doorway.

VIOLETTA cuts one of the flower stems short and gently weaves it through FABIO’S buttonhole for his morning boutonniere.

Both VIOLETTA and FABIO pretend that this touch is meaningless.

VIOLETTA

For your morning walk, Sir.

A MESSENGER approaches the doorway on a beautiful STALLION.

The MESSENGER dismounts and walks to the still open doorway. He bows to them.

MESSENGER

I have a telegram for a Miss Violetta…

VIOLETTA

(Interupting him)

I’m Violetta.

The RIDER hands her the telegram.

VIOLETTA CONT.

Thank you.

VIOLETTA reaches into her apron and hands the MESSENGER a coin.

VIOLETTA walks away from the door further into the hallway and places the flower basket on the side table.

FABIO nods to the MESSENGER and closes the door. We hear the hoof steps of the disappearing Stallion.

VIOLETTA starts to open the telegram concealing the name on the outside.

FABIO walks behind her and suspiciously tries to look over her shoulder at the telegram.

FABIO, VIOLETTA, and WE see the words “Darling Violetta, stop.”

FABIO is taken aback.

VIOLETTA catches FABIO behind her and folds the telegram.

VIOLETTA CONT

Sir?!

FABIO

Violetta, it appears you have received a telegram. May I inquire if it is of an emergency nature that I could help you with?

VIOLETTA

Thank you Sir. It is not. It is personal.

VIOLETTA walks away from FABIO to a window for light to continue reading.

FABIO forcefully snatches the boutonniere from his lapel, throws it to the floor, and huffs to the door EXITING.

VIOLETTA completely caught up reading the telegram notices none of this. She suddenly reaches out to steady herself on the window.

VIOLETTA CONT

Oh!

VIOLETTA makes her way quickly to the kitchen believing BOLDO will be there eating again.

COOK MARY

(Turning away from the oven)

Good morning Miss. Can I get you something?

VIOLETTA

I am looking for the plumber. Have you seen him?

The COOK, MARY, points to a cabinet. As VIOLETTA passes the cook she makes a muffled SOUND LIKE A PIG – they both smile, then finds BOLDO hiding behind the side of a deep cabinet – his belly poking out, his mouth is filled and bursting with a croissant and jam.

VIOLETTA CONT

Mr. Boldo, please come to my office within the next 3 minutes. I need to speak with you. And clean your sticky hands before you come.

BOLDO, whose mouth is too full to speak, nods, puts the croissant down on a plate, and starts to wash as VIOLETTA EXITS.

We see BOLDO behind VIOLETTA picking up the croissant, finishing it and wiping his hands on his overalls.

VIOLETTA ENTERS her office. She pulls out a stashed box, and opens it with a key she had hidden in her bosom hanging from a silver chain around her neck.

VIOLETTA takes out a paper and unfolds it. VIOLETTA and WE see most of the page.

The LETTER reads, “Reason for Dismissal from the Naples Orchestra. We are sorry to inform you, you have been dismissed from your post of first violin due to your act of pouring coffee over the head of the person of the second violin. Our investigation found no other reason for your act of aggression other than you believed her violin to be out of tune. Francesca is not pressing charges, however we cannot condone that sort of behavior in our midst. Thank you for your years of wonderful music. We are deeply sorry to see you go.

VIOLETTA hears BOLDO’S loud footfalls, wipes a tear away from her eye, folds the letter and puts it in the box on her desk. She stands.

VIOLETTA CONT

Have a seat…

Mister Boldo, I would like you to show me your references from previous employers now please.

BOLDO

(Clearing his throat)

I must apologize Miss, all my references are stored in my vault.

VIOLETTA

(Looking down on the top of his head)

Where is this Vault, Sir?

BOLDO

(Stammering)

It is near where I come from, Miss.

VIOLETTA

(Feeling she is getting somewhere now)

And where exactly is that?

BOLDO

(Obfuscating)

Why where I was born of course.

VIOLETTA

(Deepening her inquiry)

How about you give me some names of your former employers so I can contact them?

BOLDO

I’m not good with names Signorina.

VIOLETTA

What city did you last work in before you came to San Remo?

BOLDO

Oh, I have been traveling Miss Violetta, so many places….

VIOLETTA

You wouldn’t have been in Naples would you?

VIOLETTA listens for a Naples accent.

BOLDO

(Quivering a bit)

Why, I don’t recall being in Naples Signorina.

VIOLETTA

Say Spaghetti.

BOLDO

(Confused)

Spaghetti.

VIOLETTA

Say Minestrone.

BOLDO

Miss?

VIOLETTA CONT

Just say it… Min-es-tron-e.

BOLDO

(Even more confused)

Min-es-tron-e

VIOLETTA CONT

(Curtly)

Mister Boldo, you know… I have never seen your plumber’s permit. Please present it to me now.

BOLDO reaches in his overall pocket and pulls out a ragged brown envelop and hands it to VIOLETTA.

BOLDO

Here it is Signorina.

VIOLETTA

(Dismissively)

Grazie, Mr Boldo. I will keep this temporarily, and return it to you tomorrow. You may go back to work now.

BOLDO

(Stuck)

Yes, Miss.

VIOLETTA ushers BOLDO out of her office and closes the door. She waits and listens for his heavy footsteps. She hears them, but checks outside the doorway anyway.

VIOLETTA sits down at her desk, opens and reads the permit. She raises an eyebrow.

VIOLETTA

(Talking to herself with stifled glee)

I knew it! That’s Giuseppe Fortunino the forger’s handwriting. Too bad for Mr Boldo, I went to school with his daughter Lucia!

VIOLETTA folds the permit and puts it back in the brown envelop and places it in the top desk drawer. She takes her box, locks it and puts it back in its original hiding place.

VIOLETTA stands up straight, looks toward the door and gives the already long gone BOLDO the BASTA (ENOUGH) hand gesture!

VIOLETTA CONT.

(In a Naples accent)

Stronzo! (Asshole)

FADE OUT

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Character Relationships

What I learned doing this assignment was….
I have a lot more than 4 personality traits for each of these characters, and they are already being used in my story so I’m going to be stubborn and not give any up. I added a new one for Baldo, Covert (but he was doing this in a more covert way 🤣 before), and for Fabio (suspicious), but he was doing this subtly in the story already (as this was in the back of my mind), and I see how I can make everything way more active and create more comedy. What I can see VERY clearly, is that I can play the traits against each other in even more ways than I was doing earlier, to create more conflict, more moments of rapport & competition, and more comedy through contrast as well as through rapport, conflict, contrast and competition. I also learned that I have absolutely no clue how this is creating subtext! Is Hal talking about goals and needs showing up or showing up more because of the trait-play? I would LOVE someone to clarify this for me.

Character Traits:
Fabio: Generous, Romantic, Obsessive Collector, Show Off, Horror Victorianorum, Incorruptible, Purposeful, Suspicious (added)
Baldo: Unscrupulous, Slothful, Gutless/Chicken, Buffoon, Gourmet, Thief, Obsessive, Egyptomania, Covert (added)
Violetta: Perfectionist, Angelic, Musical, Elegant, Determined, Mysterious/Secretive, Suppresses Impulsive/Impulsive in Spurts
Signore Volpe: Proper, Fussy to the Extreme, Procedural, Whimsical (lighthearted and casually cheerful), Delightful (providing a sense of ease and relaxation), Strict, Commanding

Fabio/Baldo:
Rapport: Obsessive Collector/Egyptomania = Both like Fabio’s Collection
Conflict: Thief Baldo steals from Fabio Collector, Baldo’s Unscrupulousness clashes with Incorruptible in Fabio, Baldo’s Slothful clashes with Fabio’s purposeful
Added Suspicious for Fabio to determine Baldo’s (and others’ behaviors)
Contrast: Baldo’s Unscrupulousness clashes with Incorruptible in Fabio, Baldo’s Slothful clashes with Fabio’s purposeful, Fabio’s Romantic clashes with Baldo’s Slothful &Buffoon,
Competition: Fabio’s Obsessive Collector clashes with Baldo’s Thief… will Fabio save his stuff before Baldo wrecks it?
Subtext: “?”

Fabio/Violetta:
Rapport: Violetta Perfectionist/Fabio Incorruptible/Purposeful, Violetta Angelic, Musical, Elegant/Fabio Romantic, Violetta Determined/Fabio Purposeful, Violetta Angelic/Fabio Incorruptible
Conflict: Fabio Horror Victorianorum/Violetta Perfectionist, Fabio Purposeful/Violetta Impulsive in Spurts, Fabio Suspicious/Violetta Mysterious/Secretive
Contrast: Fabio Purposeful/Violetta Impulsive in Spurts
Competition: Fabio Show Off/Violetta Elegant, Mysterious Secretive
Subtext: “?”
Violetta surprises Fabio/Romantic with spurts of impulsiveness, and also her sudden outburst of cursing and he becomes suspicious,

Fabio/Signore Volpe:
Rapport: Fabio Incorruptible/Volpe Proper & Commanding, Fabio Show Off/Volpe Whimsical
Conflict: Fabio Purposeful/Volpe Procedural & Whimsical
Contrast: Fabio Romantic/Volpe Fussy, Fabio Horror Victorianorum/Volpe Procedural & Strict,
Subtext: “?” Volpe’s procedural nature slows down the investigation which clashes with Fabio’s purposefulness, but his Delightfulness calms Fabio down after he annoys him.

Baldo/Violetta:
Rapport: Violetta Mysterious-Secretive/Baldo Covert (added), Violetta Musical/Boldo Gourmet
Conflict: Baldo Slothful/Violetta Perfectionist & Elegant, Baldo Gutless/Chicken/Violetta Determined, Baldo Unscrupulous & Thief/Violetta Determined & Angelic & Impulsive in Spurts
Contrast: Baldo Slothful/Violetta Perfectionist, Baldo Buffoon/Violetta Perfectionist
Subtext: “?”

Baldo/Signore Volpe:
Rapport: Boldo Gourmet/Volpe Fussy to the Extreme
Conflict: Unscrupulous, Slothful, Buffoon, Thief & Covert/Volpe Proper, Procedural, Strict, Commanding
Contrast: Unscrupulous, Slothful, Buffoon, Thief & Covert/Volpe Proper, Procedural, Strict, Commanding
Subtext: “?”

Violetta/Signore Volpe:
Rapport: Violetta Perfectionist/Volpe Proper, Violetta Angelic, Elegant & Musical/Volpe Whimsical & Delightful, Violetta
Conflict: Violetta Determined/Volpe Procedural, Violetta Mysterious & Impulsive in Spurts/Secretive/Volpe Strict,
Contrast: Violetta Determined/Volpe Procedural, Violetta Mysterious & Impulsive in Spurts/Secretive/Volpe Strict,
Subtext: “?”

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting

[Susan]

Part of instructions:

Put Jack’s distrustful trait against Locke’s mystical trait in a
decision making situation and you’ve got an instant conflict and a
guaranteed split. These give us subtext.

OK, so what subtext does it create? How does it create subtext? Maybe it’s just the 101F fever I have, but I don’t get it!

Any clues from anyone else? Thanks. 😜☕

[Susan]

Hi Mike:

I am assuming you are continuing with MAXINE’s trait change from Paranoid to Sarcastic.
OK, well… very interesting although I had to read it about 4 times to figure out what was happening. It moves along very quickly with a lot of different things happening and a lot of switches. The guy being dead comes out of nowhere, and never shows up again. Good switch with making us think Maxine is going to commit suicide by Dragon because of what she did, but really just wants an apology. What genre is this? Is it comedy because only wanting an apology appears to be comedy, but if so I wouldn’t expect Maxine to be eaten by the Dragon… unless the entire piece was like Monty Python.

The characters seem to switch some of their traits back and forth. Both appear sarcastic at different times. You showed Renee as prissy and outgoing well, but I don’t really see conformist or devious for her at all. Maxine appears more devious and not just tricky (unless she’s a witch and has complete control over the Dragon and it didn’t really eat her in the end). I do not see emotionally wounded for Maxine at all, or snobbish… maybe if you described the dress and why Maxine likes it, but I thought maybe she was just being sarcastic there.

To me the scene would benefit from a bit more action description in order for the reader to know the intentions of the dialogue. I am sure you have it in your mind, but I don’t see it.
Again, great work having this scene move along swiftly and with high tension, and you did a lot of wonderful work on so many of the interest techniques, perhaps maybe a bit too much mystery in too many areas at once.

All in all an edge of the seat scene. Good work.

[Susan]

For Christi,

I’m going to be very picky, so please forgive me.

What a fun idea making Max a cat. One time in your actions you called the cat Maxime and that is great. I know we’re not supposed to change the name, but Maxime fits so well! I also love the shadow watching from the window. We wonder what Renee is going to come home to… so it might be interesting if her house was not up to her expectations in all places due to Max. What if at some point she notices Max has chewed on her precious magazines. What would she do? I if leave out anything paper or plastic my cats chew on it, and/or rip it apart.

Bobby says Renee is home early, but then Renee says she thought she’d do some errands. If she was coming home from work doing errands would make her late. If it was the weekend why would Bobby have any idea what time she’d be home?

Facade in place comes in a bit late. It would make the scene easier to understand if it came at “Renee looks crestfallen,” e.g. Renee fakes crestfallen.

When Renee glances at the No Pets Allowed sign what is her reaction? Does it color her small talk with one of her traits?

When do the 3 enter the apartment building and get to the hall? There is no action for that. Do they check the mail? Are they all on the 1st floor? Do they have to take the elevator? What would happen if they do?

Some actions could be more direct and in present tense, so check all of them, e.g.:
“She smiles as she looks at Josie and touches her own well tailored shoulder as she looks to Josie’s frayed coat. “
to
Renee smiles. She primps her well-tailored coat eyeballing Josie’s frayed jacket.
and again… and also maybe break this up…
“Renee closes and locks the door, then slowly opens her coat and cat food is strapped to her waist. She slowly removes it and places it on the hall table as MAXIME, 7, Persian short hair feline, pops up from behind a chair then hides again.”
to
Renee locks the door. She carefully opens her coat. We see cat food strapped to her waist. (Maybe the strap is precarious, and she has to adjust the bulge either outside or while she is opening her door).

MAXIME, 7 YO Persian cat pops up from behind a chair then hides again.

Renee
There you are, sweetums!

Renee carefully removes the food quietly placing it on the hall table.

Renee
(Holding up a can)
Look what I have for you. Come on, Maxy boo, boo. I know you don’t like hiding.

Maxime presents her butt to Renee, tail held high.

and
“Maxine then scatters under the furniture as a small noise comes from the heater. ”
to
The heater fizzles. Maxime scatters under the couch.
or even something more severe like Maxime jumps in the air and runs under the couch.

You have Maxime as a him in your last action. Was that what you wanted? Also an emotionally wounded, paranoid kitty probably would not only, “bristled at being manhandled off the fridge.”

For the personality traits Renee comes off as mostly Prissy and Outgoing, and only a little devious and conformist. Also she might appear even more devious if the sign said ‘rule breakers will be evicted.’
It would also boost her subtext of devious believes she is entitled to win at any cost.

For Maxime I see paranoid, not so much emotionally wounded, and not really snobbish either. If she is now feline who plots to get what she wants, I’m not catching that subtext either. Maybe more interaction between Renee and Maxime to show their traits and subtext, and also to show more cat behaviors.

Aside from that picky stuff, great work and a really fun scene. I really enjoyed it. I love cats and so do so many others! 😍

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s QE Cycle 4 REVISION

Renee’s Conformist Trait changed to… Violent

Renee: Prissy (BTW using the excessively fussy, exacting, demanding or particular meaning of prissy), Devious, Outgoing, Violent

Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.

Maxine: Tricky, Snobbish, Paranoid, Emotionally Wounded

Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.

Logline: Yesterday 15 YO Maxine promised 15 YO Renee she would keep her dark secret. She didn’t.

Essence: Maxine lied to Renee and swore she would keep her dark secret. She plots to take Maxine down so she can be free of her, the violence, subjugation and abuse, and as a bonus… win the race.

INT UPSCALE COFFEE SHOP AFTERNOON

SERVER drags himself over to the two 15 YO girls MAXINE and RENEE, he’s dealt with them before.

SERVER

(Holding up a pad and pen)

What can I get for you girls today?

MAXINE opens her mouth to speak, but…

RENEE

(Gazing at the menu)

I think I’ll have a BLT on white toast with avocado, mayonnaise, and green olives, a side of potato salad, Cole slaw, but the one without the celery seeds…

(Takes a deep breath)

A serving of your cinnamon palmiers, and a vanilla soda.

SERVER

I’ll see if we have that particular Cole slaw today. If we don’t is there something you’d like instead?

RENEE

Yes, do you have the fresh fruit salad today?

SERVER

We surely don’t, but we do have fresh strawberries. Would you like those?

RENEE

Yes, but with whipped cream. And you know I’ve changed my mind about the Soda, I’d like a hot coffee instead… but with the raw sugar instead of the white.

SERVER

(Writing)

Of course.

SERVER nods to MAXINE.

SERVER

Miss?

MAXINE

(Clearing her throat)

I’ll have a Pellegrino with lime, the toasted baguette with sautéed mushrooms, onions, garlic and parmesan cheese, and a small tossed salad with the balsamic vinaigrette. Thank you.

SERVER

(Smiling at them)

I’ve got it, I’ll be back in about ten minutes, or so.

MAXINE (CONT’D)

(Turning to Renee)

Don’t you think that’s a lot of food the day before the race?

RENEE

(Almost yelling so everyone can hear)

Not at all. I need to fuel my carbs so my calves and thighs don’t cramp. We’ll be biking up some steep hills tomorrow.

RENEE fixing her hair in a compact mirror.

RENEE (CONT’D)

(In confidence)

I’m so glad you picked this place to meet, so many of our classmates are here.

RENEE waves to a few girls.

MAXINE

(Sighs)

I’m a little nervous, I may not race. My bike feels a little off too. The wheels feel shaky.

RENEE

(Covering her face with the menu and smiling)

Nonsense. We’ve been training for months. You’re very good, almost as fast as Jocelyn. You should go.

MAXINE

(Totally paranoid)

It just feels wrong after what you… happened to Jocelyn. I’ll flag the finish instead.

RENEE

(playing with the table knife)

You didn’t tell anyone did you? That’s our little gang secret. If you do, I’ll cut you. Remember what happened when you flirted with Mitch.

MAXINE

(Trembling)

I never flirted with Mitch, and you know it. You just like hurting people.

RENEE

(Whispering)

Well you’re dead meat if you told anyone.

MAXINE gags, then takes a drink and chokes on the water, coughing.

SANDRA runs over to the girls from the other side of the crowded cafe. She almost knocks over the SERVER who is carrying a large tray for another table. He manages to save the tray and himself moving his arms like an ancient Egyptian dancer.

SANDRA

(Slapping both hands on the table)

Did you hear? Someone purposefully ran down Jocelyn with their car. She’s in the hospital with broken ribs, a broken leg and a broken arm. She didn’t see who it was. She says it was because she was number one to win…

(Appalled)

and someone wanted her out of the race.

(Looking over her shoulder and then turning back)

I heard the police impounded a car.

RENEE

(Acting surprised, kicking Maxine hard under the table)

No we didn’t hear that.

MAXINE

(Shocked)

No.

SANDRA EXITS

MAXINE

(In a hush)

You said she was just bruised up.

RENEE

(Raising herself half off her seat and leaning forward)

Who did you tell?!

MAXINE

(Stammering)

No one. Why do you always blame me? Everyone must know she’s in the hospital by now.

Four POLICE OFFICERS saunter into the coffee shop. They speak to the MANAGER at the counter. He points to RENEE. Everyone in the cafe is watching. All four officers make a semi circle around RENEE’S side of the table.

POLICE OFFICER #1

Renee Farrow?

RENEE

(Stares down Maxine)

This isn’t over!

POLICE OFFICER #1

You are under arrest for the hit and run incident last night leading to the severe injury of Jocelyn Parks. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand these rights?

RENEE jumps to her feet and glares right up in the Officer’s face.

POLICE OFFICER #2 CUFFS RENEE

RENEE

(Bent over forward, spits at Officer’s #1’s feet)

Fuck you fascist!

RENEE charges at MAXINE but gets whacked with a BATON, and is dragged away by two of the Officers forcefully resisting them the entire time. Another Officer is leading the way dispersing the gathering crowd, the fourth is behind RENEE making sure she can’t run if she manages to wrestle loose.

SANDRA rushes back over to MAXINE’S side. She rubs her back gently.

MAXINE

(Crying)

At least she didn’t get a chance to mutilate me.

SANDRA

Hush now. Do you need a ride home?

MAXINE

No thank you Sandy. I’m going to bike home.

MAXINE in tears, parades to the door holding her head up high.

A crack of sunlight gilts her face as she opens the door.

MAXINE

(To herself)

I might even win now.

Think I’ll use your bike though Renee.

CUT TO:

BICYCLE STAND OUTSIDE

TWO BIKES, one with loose wheels. The other in perfect condition.

FADE TO BLACK.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s QE Cycle 4

I changed Renee’s Conformist Trait to… Violent

Renee: Prissy, Devious, Outgoing, Violent

Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.

Maxine: Tricky, Snobbish, Paranoid, Emotionally Wounded

Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.

Logline: Yesterday 15 YO Maxine promised 15 YO Renee she would keep her dark secret. She didn’t.

Essence: Maxine lied to Renee and swore she would keep her dark secret. She plots to take Maxine down so she can win the race.

INT UPSCALE COFFEE SHOP AFTERNOON

SERVER drags himself over to the two girls MAXINE and RENEE, he’s dealt with them before.

SERVER

(Holding up a pad and pen)

What can I get for you girls today?

MAXINE opens her mouth to speak, but…

RENEE

(Gazing at the menu)

I think I’ll have a BLT on white toast with avocado, mayonnaise, and green olives, a side of potato salad, Cole slaw, but the one without the celery seeds…

(Takes a deep breath)

A serving of your cinnamon palmiers, and a vanilla soda.

SERVER

I’ll see if we have that particular Cole slaw today. If we don’t is there something you’d like instead?

RENEE

Yes, do you have the fresh fruit salad today?

SERVER

We surely don’t, but we do have fresh strawberries. Would you like those?

RENEE

Yes, but with whipped cream. And you know I’ve changed my mind about the Soda, I’d like a hot coffee instead… but with the raw sugar instead of the white.

SERVER

(Writing)

Of course.

SERVER nods to MAXINE.

SERVER

Miss?

MAXINE

(Clearing her throat)

I’ll have a Pelligrino with lime, the toasted baguette with sautéed mushrooms, onions, garlic and parmesan cheese, and a small tossed salad with the balsamic vinaigrette. Thank you.

SERVER

(Smiling at them)

I’ve got it, I’ll be back in about ten minutes, or so.

MAXINE (CONT’D)

(Turning to Renee)

Don’t you think that’s a lot of food the day before the race?

RENEE

(Almost yelling)

Not at all. I need to fuel my carbs so my calves and thighs don’t cramp. We’ll be biking up some steep hills tomorrow.

MAXINE

(Sighs)

I’m a little nervous, I may not race. My bike feels a little off too. The wheels feel shaky.

RENEE

(Covering her face with the menu and smiling)

Nonsense. We’ve been training for months. You’re very good. You should go.

MAXINE

It just feels wrong after what happened to Joslyn.

RENEE

You didn’t tell anyone did you? That’s our little gang secret. If you do, I’ll cut you. Remember what happened when you flirted with Mitch.

MAXINE

(Trembling)

I never flirted with Mitch, and you know it. You just like hurting people.

RENEE

(Whispering)

Well you’re dead meat if you told anyone.

SANDRA runs over to the girls almost knocking over the SERVER who is carrying a large tray for another table. He manages to save the tray and himself.

SANDRA

(Putting both hands on the table)

Did you hear? Someone purposefully ran down Jocelyn with their car. She’s in the hospital with broken ribs, a broken leg and a broken arm. She didn’t see who it was but she thinks it was because she was number one and someone wanted her out of the race. I heard the police impounded a car.

RENEE

(Acting surprised, kicking Maxine hard under the table)

No we didn’t hear that.

MAXINE

(Shocked)

No.

SANDRA EXITS

MAXINE

(In a hush)

You said she was just bruised up.

RENEE

(Raising herself half off her seat and leaning forward)

Who did you tell?!

MAXINE

(Stammering)

No one. Why do you always blame me? Everyone must know she’s in the hospital by now.

Four POLICE OFFICERS saunter into the coffee shop. They speak to the MANAGER at the counter. He points to RENEE.

POLICE OFFICER #1

Renee Farrow?

RENEE

(Stares down Maxine)

This isn’t over!

POLICE OFFICER #1

You are under arrest for the hit and run incident last night leading to the severe injury of Jocelyn Parks. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand these rights?

RENEE jumps up and glares right up in the Officer’s face.

POLICE OFFICER #2 CUFFS RENEE

RENEE

(Bent over forward, spits at Officer’s #1’s feet)

Fuck you fascist!

RENEE charges at MAXINE, but gets whacked with a BATON and is dragged away by two of the Officers resisting the entire time. Another Officer is leading the way and moving the gathering crowd, the other is behind RENEE making sure she can’t run if she manages to wrestle loose.

SANDRA rushes over to MAXINE’S side. She rubs her back gently.

MAXINE

(Crying)

At least she didn’t get a chance to maim me.

SANDRA

Hush now. Do you need a ride home?

MAXINE

No thank you Sandy. I’m going to bike home.

MAXINE parades to the door, holding her head up high.

MAXINE

(To herself)

I might even win now.

Think I’ll use your bike though Renee.

CUT TO:

BICYCLE STAND OUTSIDE

TWO BIKES, one with loose tires. The other in perfect condition.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃

🍠🍠🍠🍠🍠🍠🍠

🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧

🏈🏈🏈🏈🏈🏈🏈

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

For Christi:

Really good scene, maybe you don’t see it because you’re not feeling well.

I love Nancy using soap to clean the fish UGH!

I see a lot of her confrontation and stubbornness, but not so much caring and scheming. Her subtext totally comes through here.

With Squire I see a lot of Happy-Go-Lucky and Seductive, but not so much Evasive and Selfish.

As an example, if he came in right away and said how about you get the fish and I’ll get the fire, we’d know he didn’t want to do the fish and was being selfish. I also don’t see his subtext of using charm to control.

It is a short scene (and that is fine, some scenes need to be short), however if you want to get all the traits in I believe you’d need to expand the scene and make it a little longer with more things going wrong because of their traits and subtext.

The only other thing I could say is that a couple of times the Action could be more direct…

e.g.

Squire has lit the newspaper he crumbled with a match and is blowing on it, putting in twigs.

into

Squire lights the crumpled newspaper (you could have him crumbling it earlier) with a match and blows on it, adding twigs.

Otherwise really funny, romantic comedy material and excellent dialogue.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s QE Cycle 3 REVISION

SITUATION/LOGLINE: ALTERNATE HISTORY
Two people the Husband – SQUIRE, (trusted Esquire of the King) and his Wife ANNE – who don’t actually trust each other are tasked an urgent demand from their Sovereign, King Henry VII.

ESSENCE:
Esquire of the Hamlet and his wife each desire to be the most appreciated and trusted of the King. It is impossible.

FADE IN:

INT/EXT CONTINUOUS:

MANOR HOUSE MORNING

The SOUND of HORSE’S HOOVES on GRAVEL

NANCY and SQUIRE open the door and both come out to greet the RIDER.
The RIDER is one of King Henry VII Yeoman of the Guard. He is dressed in a red cloak and has the King’s shield embroidered on his clothes. He pulls the reigns, the horse NEIGHS and stops.

RIDER
(Reaching out with folded parchment)
I have a sealed warrant from King Henry VII.

SQUIRE reaches out for it in a flourish, but too late… Nancy (Anne) sneaks underneath his armpit and grabs the missive.

ANNE offers her hand to the Yeoman of the Guard. The RIDER takes it, bows his head slightly and releases it.

ANNE
(Truly meaning this)
Thank you valiant gentleman.

RIDER
(Waiting)
The King insisted you read this before I leave and get your reply.

SQUIRE
We would be pleased…

ANNE
(Interrupting)
…to do whatever our King asks of us. Tell him he can count on us.

RIDER
(Tips his Bonnet)
I will indeed relay your message.

SQUIRE waves a toodle-oo.

RIDER gallops away on his horse.

SQUIRE
(Nibbling Anne’s ear and slipping the parchment away)
Nancy dearest, allow me.

ANNE is not pleased and tries unsuccessfully to grab the parchment back.

ANNE
Let us read it together.

SQUIRE
(Feeling his waistcoat for his glasses)
I seem to have left my glasses in my chamber.

ANNE
(Forcefully taking the parchment back)
I’ll read it aloud shall I?

SQUIRE surrounds her with his arms as she reads. He tickles her.

ANNE
My dear trusted friends we have been through so much together already, and now I must ask you to help me again.

SQUIRE rubs his nose on ANNE’s cheek. She sticks her finger up it.

ANNE (CONT’D)
(Finding her place)
I am advancing a new council, the Star Chamber, but it must be kept secret for now.

SQUIRE
I told you he trusted me.

ANNE
Hush. Ah. A secret Star Chamber. How exciting. I’m sure I will do exactly what’s needed.

SQUIRE
(Doing a little jig.)
I will make a lavish welcome!

ANNE smacks SQUIRE on the arm.

ANNE
You know what a tightwad he is. Don’t be foolish. You don’t want our land confiscated do you?

SQUIRE winks at her and smiles broadly.

SQUIRE
Hurry up and finish reading, I want to know when they will be coming.

ANNE
Stop interrupting me then…
(Reading)
There has been too much ire in the Kingdom already. We will arrive the morrow midday. I will require a luncheon and places to freshen up and sleep for the 50 participants, and for Queen Elizabeth, her ladies in waiting, and my closest advisors and dressers. The Knights and soldiers can camp outside in their tents, however they will need nourishment, refreshment, and remember the horses as well, water and hay. Make sure there is sufficient room for the carriages.

ANNE stares at SQUIRE and gasps. She rereads that part to herself. SQUIRE shrugs.

ANNE (CONT’D)
Make sure the luncheon is bountiful with food for everyone, but not extravagant. You will be remunerated upon my arrival.

ANNE deeply elbows SQUIRE’s ribs.

SQUIRE
Hurry up I have to get myself ready.

ANNE
If you think you’re going to leave me with all the work while you go off and primp, you are mistaken.

SQUIRE looks down and then up at ANNE with puppy dog eyes. Smiles broadly showing her his beautiful white teeth.

SQUIRE
Now Nancy darling, would I do that to you?

SQUIRE snuggles up to ANNE again.

ANNE
Don’t call me Nancy, I’m in no mood. And you’re not a horse. No need to show me your teeth.
(Slapping his hands away)
And yes you have done that before… more times than I could count.

ANNE drags SQUIRE into the kitchen to speak to Mary the COOK. On the way she pulls a velvet sack out of a drawer.

SQUIRE trips on a crack in the floor and falls. His hand is bleeding.

ANNE pulls down a plaster from a cupboard and fixes him up while she is speaking.

ANNE
Mary dear, We have been ordered by the King to have luncheon for about 100 persons tomorrow. We will need fowl and fish, fruits, roots, and greens, and desert, but be thrifty.

ANNE hands COOK the entire sack of coins.

SQUIRE
(Stepping in front of Anne)

I would also like a new silk handkerchief.

COOK
(Curtsying)
Yes Madame, Squire.

SQUIRE
(Twirling one corner of his mustache, winking at Cook)
That’s Esquire. I am the mayor of this Hamlet.

COOK
(Turning slightly red)
Sorry Sir.

ANNE looks on from behind in disbelief, then steps on the back of SQUIRE’S shoe so he loses his balance a bit.

SQUIRE
(Shaking his foot and turning to Anne)
Can I get you a glass of wine, Cherie.

ANNE
(Pushing forward toward Cook)
And dear, please see who you can get to help you.

COOK EXITS

ANNE is writing down a list.

ANNE (CONT’D)
Luncheon Menu, Clean Stables, Procure Help for Horses & Carriages, Fill Troughs, Procure Household Help, Fetch Bedding Out of Storage, Dust Chambers, Lay out Chamber Pots, Cut flowers for the Queen….

SQUIRE
That’s very impressive darling.

SQUIRE sneaks out of the kitchen and upstairs to his Chambers. He puts on his glasses, dabs perfume behind each ear, curls the ends of his mustache, dons his newest Bonnet and fluffs the feathers while admiring himself in a mirror.

ANNE comes charging in.

ANNE
I knew I couldn’t trust you to do anything worthwhile. See this?

ANNE thrusts the list into SQUIRE’S face.

ANNE (CONT’D)
(Pointing to each)
You get this done, and this done, and this done!

SQUIRE taking off his Bonnet and placing it gingerly on his dressing table. He sidles up to ANNE and grabs her breast.

ANNE picks up the hat in one hand, and uses the other to pick up a large hand mirror and whack him on the head with the metal back. It leaves a filigree design on his forehead. She walks to the door and puts the Bonnet on her head tapping the top lightly and sliding the long feather through her fingers.

ANNE (CONT’D)
And you won’t get it back until you’re done. You don’t want to start another war do you? We just finished one.
(Curtsying)
Squire.

SQUIRE huffs down the stairs.

ANNE follows slowly and stops in front of a mirror to admire herself, pinch her cheeks, straighten the Bonnet, and fix her hair. She uses both the landing mirror and the hand mirror to see the back of her head. She walks down the stairs back into the large hall.
ANNE opens a large door to a side room where all the extra bedding is kept. She begins to count.

ANNE (CONT’D)
(Talking to herself)
Oh, dear we need more bedding.

SQUIRE ENTERS he is pushing a large cage strapped on to a rolling board. He is carrying a whip.

ANNE starts at the noise, turns and gasps.

There is a Bengal Tiger in the cage.

SQUIRE
(Grinning from ear to ear)
Surprise!

ANNE backs away from the cage.

The TIGER is HISSING and GROWLING now.

ANNE
What is that?!

SQUIRE
It’s a Bengal Tiger.
(Bending closer to the cage)
Hello little Tiger aren’t you a sweet boy.

The TIGER GROWLS at him and SWAPS at the cage which shudders. His paws are gigantic.

ANNE
I know what it is, but why exactly do you have it and what is it doing here?

SQUIRE
(Laughing)
So I can impress the King. Don’t you love it?

ANNE
Absolutely not you fool!

The TIGER lifts up its leg and pisses on SQUIRE.

SQUIRE
My good stuff!

ANNE
(Holding her nose)
That smell’ll be difficult to remove before the King arrives.

Suddenly the cage door cracks open, the TIGER pushes it with his head, and tentatively steps out.

ANNE and SQUIRE dash to the STABLES to hide.

SQUIRE trips over his whip. ANNE pulls him up.

They can HEAR the TIGER roaring, approaching them as they bolt the doors.

SQUIRE tries to get close to ANNE but she pushes him away. He waves his arms trying to keep his balance, but falls hard, feet in the air above him, into a pile of hay.

The HORSES smelling the urine of the predator bray and stomp.

ANNE
You smell like a rat’s ass… I don’t suppose you know how to catch a Tiger?

ANNE glares at SQUIRE who is still smiling!

ANNE (CONT’D)
I hope you think of something soon. You don’t want to wind up like the Princes in the Tower do you ?

FADE OUT.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: Formatting

[Susan]

For Mike:
I am going to be very picky for elevation purposes, so please forgive me…. Also you know what you were going for and I may be missing something.

In the original (which I like)
The goals and logline are more peaked in this version so it has more umph. Also the setting is great. Nancy’s covert competition comes through with the machete, the Gorilla finders line, although Squire’s response is not seductive, charming, happy-go-lucky, or evasive. And her stubbornness shows through with her response digging in her feet with about getting a guide.
Squire ignores her here, which is both evasive and selfish. He insults her a lot so we need to know how he is doing that in order to see the seductiveness of it.
Nancy is then caring fixing him up, and then scheming by sneaking the key out of his pocket, but she seems happier to have Squire get his air time with the Silverback more than once (which fits her scheming) but is not very caring since she just mouths some words and leaves him behind instead of helping him.
Funny use of his seductiveness with the Female Gorilla!
Nancy’s scheming continues to come through until the end.
This:
GORILLA ROCK
Nancy arrives at an odd shaped rock, a monument of an aeolian process in a form like a gorilla. She pulls out the paper, lines it up and goes to the back of the left foot, steps back five paces and starts digging.
I had to look up aeolian and I actually took Earth Science in school (although that was over 50 years ago). I knew it was some type of erosion, but which? You don’t want to make the Producers feel stupid, so just tell them a wind eroded monument to Gorillas or something.
I mentioned earlier about the Gorilla putting the crown on. It would make more sense if it was set up, like Nancy actually put it on for a moment or the Gorilla came to the scene with a leaf or flower crown on already.
If it was me I’d just drop this part entirely:
NANCY
I was always the more talented one. You never should’ve been ahead of me.
SQUIRE
Not really the time.
Great mess in the end, and very memorable.

In the Revision (which I like)
NANCY hits confrontational, but Freya steels her thunder a bit.
Nancy’s scheming seems to take place in a scene before this one so we don’t see it (except for when she tells Squire to blow on the torch to put it out).
e.g.:
NANCY
I put up with him for the last hour trying to get him to help us and you just show up and it’s, “Hey, no problem, whatever you want.”
SQUIRE
I told you not to bet me. Unfair odds.

I like the way you pitted her caring against her stubbornness a little later when she refuses to tell Freya what their goal is, but then relents when Freya is about to burn Squire.

And for the subtext her competitiveness appears to be out in the open and not covert.
e.g.:
SQUIRE
What do you think?
NANCY
I told you it would work.
SQUIRE
I told you.
NANCY
I thought it up.
SQUIRE
I made that thought reality.
NANCY
We…we made it happen.

SQUIRE
We definitely see Squire’s Selfish, Happy-go-lucky and Seductive sides, but he is not very evasive. He appears to use his other traits to annoy, to get what he wants, and to control, but not evade.

For this trope:
“If we tell you we gotta burn your camp down.”
is put a bit differently but based on a way too widely used cliche (that I’m personally tired of hearing, although I know guys usually always get a kick out of it anyway).
And, I understand you are setting up for when he sets the mess tent on fire, but you could do something different instead, such as Squire almost setting fire to something earlier, or stating he’d like to set someone or some part of someone/thing on fire.

Really funny exchange here:
NANCY
How’s your face?
SQUIRE
It’s fine. Why do you ask?
She slaps him.
SQUIRE
I’d like to change my answer.

And this is a nice way to make us curious about who Squire is, and why someone else would behave that way if they were that “thing” as well, but it would only work if this is at the beginning of the film and we didn’t know who Squire was yet.
DAVE
Doesn’t do much for himself, huh?
NANCY
Would you?
Maybe that was just a woman talking to a guy, but I’m not sure it does anything for Nancy as she probably would not want to be confrontational with Dave as she is scheming to get his help.

You did great with both the original and the revision in the two characters making a complete mess out of the situation. In the revision I hope Freya just makes Squire deaf in one ear, and Squire and Nancy both get to get on with their treasure hunt in your original scene! Great work.

And again I’m being very picky for elevation purposes. 😉

[Susan]

This post is late because I have been having trouble getting on the screenwritingclasses.com page at all! I have tried 5 different browsers and every time I wanted to post I could not get on (until now). I don’t know if the servers are too busy, but other people seem to be able to get on. Maybe it is because I am in a different area (AZ), or maybe there are just too many people on when I want to post. I often can’t get on to see the class either, and I do not receive the emails with the lessons, so there’s that.

Susan McClary’s QE Cycle 3

SITUATION/LOGLINE: ALTERNATE HISTORY

Two people the Husband – SQUIRE, (trusted Esquire of the King) and his Wife ANNE – who don’t actually trust each other are tasked an urgent demand from their Sovereign, King Henry VII.

ESSENCE:

Esquire of the Hamlet and his wife each desire to be the most appreciated and trusted of the King. It is impossible.

FADE IN:

INT/EXT CONTINUOUS:

MANOR HOUSE MORNING

The SOUND of HORSE’S HOOVES on GRAVEL

NANCY and SQUIRE open the door and both come out to greet the RIDER.

The RIDER is one of King Henry VII Yeoman of the Guard. He is dressed in a red cloak and has the King’s shield embroidered on his clothing. He pulls the reigns, the horse NEIGHS and stops.

RIDER

(Reaching out with folded parchment)

I have a sealed warrant from King Henry VII.

SQUIRE reaches out for it in a flourish, but too late… Nancy (Anne) sneaks underneath his armpit and grabs the missive.

ANNE offers her hand to the Yeoman of the Guard. The RIDER takes it, bows his head slightly and releases it.

ANNE

(Truly meaning this)

Thank you valiant gentleman.

RIDER

(Waiting)

The King insisted you read this before I leave and get your reply.

SQUIRE

We would be pleased…

ANNE

(Interrupting)

…to do whatever our King asks of us. Tell him he can count on us.

RIDER

(Tips his Bonnet)

I will indeed relay your message.

SQUIRE waves a toodle-oo.

RIDER gallops away on his horse.

SQUIRE

(Nibbling Anne’s ear and slipping the parchment away)

Nancy dearest, allow me.

ANNE is not pleased and tries unsuccessfully to grab the parchment back.

ANNE

Let us read it together.

SQUIRE

(Feeling his waistcoat for his glasses)

I seem to have left my glasses in my chamber.

ANNE

(Forcefully taking the parchment back)

I’ll read it aloud shall I?

SQUIRE surrounds her with his arms as she reads. He tickles her.

ANNE

My dear trusted friends we have been through so much together already, and now I must ask you to help me again.

SQUIRE rubs his nose on ANNE’s cheek. She sticks her finger up it.

ANNE (CONT’D)

(Finding her place)

I am advancing a new council, the Star Chamber, but it must be kept secret for now.

SQUIRE

I told you he trusted me.

ANNE

Hush. Ah. A secret Star Chamber. How exciting. I’m sure I will do exactly what’s needed.

SQUIRE

(Doing a little jig.)

I will make a lavish welcome!

ANNE smacks SQUIRE on the arm.

ANNE

You know what a tightwad he is. Don’t be foolish. You don’t want our land confiscated do you?

SQUIRE winks at her and smiles broadly.

SQUIRE

Hurry up and finish reading, I want to know when they will be coming.

ANNE

Stop interrupting me then…

(Reading)

There has been too much ire in the Kingdom already. We will arrive the morrow midday. I will require a luncheon and places to freshen up and sleep for the 50 participants, and for Queen Elizabeth, her ladies in waiting, and my closest advisors and dressers. The Knights and soldiers can camp outside in their tents, however they will need nourishment, refreshment, and remember the horses as well, water and hay. Make sure there is sufficient room for the carriages.

ANNE stares at SQUIRE and gasps. She rereads that part to herself. SQUIRE shrugs.

ANNE (CONT’D)

Make sure the luncheon is bountiful with food for everyone, but not extravagant. You will be remunerated upon my arrival.

ANNE’s deeply elbows SQUIRE’s ribs.

SQUIRE

Hurry up I have to get myself ready.

ANNE

If you think you’re going to leave me with all the work while you go off and primp, you are mistaken.

SQUIRE looks down and then up at ANNE with puppy dog eyes. Smiles broadly showing her his beautiful white teeth.

SQUIRE

Now Nancy darling, would I do that to you?

SQUIRE snuggles up to ANNE again.

ANNE

Don’t call me Nancy, I’m in no mood.

(Slapping his hands away)

And yes you have done that before… more times than I could count.

ANNE drags SQUIRE into the kitchen to speak to Mary the COOK. On the way she pulls a velvet sack out of a drawer.

SQUIRE trips on a crack in the floor and falls. His hand is bleeding.

ANNE pulls down a plaster from a cupboard and fixes him up while she is speaking.

ANNE

Mary dear, We have been ordered by the King to have luncheon for about 100 persons tomorrow. We will need fowl and fish, fruits, roots, and greens, and desert, but be thrifty.

ANNE hands COOK the entire sack of coins.

COOK

(Curtsying)

Yes Madame, Squire.

SQUIRE

That’s Esquire. I am the mayor of this Hamlet.

COOK

Sorry Sir.

ANNE looks on in disbelief.

SQUIRE

Can I get you a glass of wine, Cherie.

ANNE

(Turning to Cook)

And dear, please see who you can get to help you.

COOK EXITS

ANNE is writing down a list.

ANNE (CONT’D)

Luncheon Menu, Clean Stables, Procure Help for Horses & Carriages, Fill Troughs, Procure Household Help, Fetch Bedding Out of Storage, Dust Chambers, Lay out Chamber Pots, Cut flowers for the Queen…

SQUIRE

That’s very impressive darling.

SQUIRE sneaks out of the kitchen and upstairs to his Chambers. He puts on his glasses, dabs perfume behind each ear, curls the ends of his mustache, dons his newest Bonnet and fluffs the feathers while admiring himself in a mirror.

ANNE comes charging in.

ANNE

I knew I couldn’t trust you to do anything worthwhile. See this?

ANNE thrusts the list into SQUIRE’s face.

ANNE (CONT’D)

(Pointing to each)

You get this done, and this done, and this done!

SQUIRE taking off his Bonnet and placing it gingerly on his dressing table. He sidles up to ANNE and grabs her breast.

ANNE picks up the hat in one hand, and uses the other to pick up a large hand mirror and whacks him on the head with the metal back. It leaves a filigree design on his forehead. She walks to the door and puts the Bonnet on her head tapping the top lightly and sliding the feather through her fingers.

ANNE (CONT’D)

And you won’t get it back until you’re done. You don’t want to start another war do you? We just finished one.

(Curtsying)

Squire.

SQUIRE huffs down the stairs.

ANNE follows slowly and stops in front of a mirror to admire herself, pinch her cheeks, straighten the Bonnet, and fix her hair. She uses both the landing mirror and the hand mirror to see the back of her head. She walks down the stairs back into the large hall.

ANNE opens a large door to a side room where all the extra bedding is kept. She begins to count.

ANNE (CONT’D)

(Talking to herself)

Oh, dear we need more bedding.

SQUIRE ENTERS he is pushing a large cage strapped on to a rolling board. He is carrying a whip.

ANNE starts at the noise, turns and gasps.

There is a Bengal Tiger in the cage.

SQUIRE

(Grinning from ear to ear)

Surprise!

ANNE backs away from the cage.

The TIGER is HISSING and GROWLING now.

ANNE

What is that?!

SQUIRE

It’s a Bengal Tiger.

(Bending closer to the cage)

Hello little Tiger aren’t you a sweet boy.

The TIGER GROWLS at him and SWAPS at the cage which shudders. His paws are gigantic.

ANNE

I know what it is, but why exactly do you have it and what is it doing here?

SQUIRE

(Laughing)

So I can impress the King. Don’t you love it?

ANNE

Absolutely not you fool!

The TIGER lifts up its leg and pisses on SQUIRE.

SQUIRE

My good stuff!

ANNE

(Holding her nose)

That smell’ll be difficult to remove before the King arrives.

Suddenly the cage door cracks open and the TIGER pushes it with his head, and tentatively steps out.

ANNE and SQUIRE run to the STABLES and hide. They can HEAR the TIGER roaring toward them as they bolt the doors.

SQUIRE tries to get close to ANNE but she pushes him away. He tips over and falls in some hay.

The HORSES can smell the urine of the predator and bray and stomp.

ANNE

You smell like a rat’s ass. I don’t suppose you know how to catch a Tiger?

ANNE glares at SQUIRE who is still smiling!

ANNE (CONT’D)

I hope you think of something soon. You don’t want to wind up like the Princes in the Tower do you ?

FADE OUT.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…
I am really enjoying myself while improving my writing.

Logline: The plumbing backfires in Muscalo’s face causing him to vow to kill the plumber who put in the faucet and he wants to know who he is. Cotello is trying to hide the identity of the real plumber.

Essence: Muscalo kills anyone who screws with him. He’s an idiot, but very determined and vengeful. Cotello has a dilemma – it’s his cousin’s life or his if he is found out.

Interest Techniques for Rewrite:
Hook, Prediction, Dilemma for Boldo’s cousin, Something unseen (Boldo not introduced yet?), Mystery (what happened, who did it, how it happened), Creating a future, Anticipatory Dialogue, Cliffhanger, Uncomfortable moment (for Boldo’s cousin).

SCENE: MCSRM

INT. MAZZARELLA CAMORRA CRIME FAMILY HEADQUARTERS MORNING

MEETING ROOM

COTELLO is pacing the enormous room shaking his hands off to his sides like a bird throwing something off himself. STIZZA and PISTO are lounging at a back table smoking cigars, drinking limoncello and playing Poker.

MUSCALO MAZZARELLA (THE BIG GUY) ENTERS in good cheer

MUSCALO
(Holding his arms up over his head)
Youze guys! Whatta great day! The sun is a shining, the birds they are a singing, my Conchita loves me , my bombinos kissa my hands, and looka dis place.
(Lowers arms)
The other families will be-a so
(Takes his two index fingers and swizzles them up to his head and makes horns)
irritated!

MUSCALO does a little twirl and plops down with STIZZA and PISTO. COTELLO fiddles with some supplies in a cabinet.

MUSCALO
We need to set a families meeting up here right away!
(Squinting and sneering at Stizza and Pisto)
Hey whatta youse guys doing? What a layout! How about you getta to work. I know there are some legs to break!

STIZZA AND PISTO
(In unison)
Yes Boss!

STIZZA and PISTO rise and begin to walk toward the door.

MUSCALO
(Pointing at them)
On second-a thought getta a quote for a metal door, and tutto we’d better fortify the windows, reinforce the outside of da building too. Oh yeah,
(Laughing heartily)
and we need-a a secret tunnel outta here!
MUSCALO puts one of his signature toothpicks in his mouth and begins to chew heartily.

STIZZA AND PISTO
(In unison)
Yes Boss!

They head toward the door, but before they can get there…

MUSCALO rises and walks over to the new sink. He turns on the faucet and it explodes in his face. He is soaked and the water just keeps coming.

The toothpick gets caught in his mouth, holding it open like a tent pole.

MUSCALO tries to remove it but the water is filling his mouth and preventing this.
Near to him, STIZZA and PISTO run over, pull him out of the water stream and remove the toothpick.

MUSCALO
(Shivering, holding tight to Stizza and Pisto)
Boys getta me home. I need-a to change into-a my kill suit.

MUSCALO points to Cotello like an arrow hitting a target.

MUSCALO
Finda out which a da plumber did-a this. That pile a tips on da safe. It should be the one on da top. I’m-a gonna exterminate…

MUSCALO squashes an imaginary bug on the floor, but slips on and into a large puddle of water.
STIZZA and PISTO wrench MUSCALO up from under his armpits as he continues slipping in the puddle.

MUSCALO
(Furious)
I’m a gonna kill-a him and-DA whoever advise me-a him!

MUSCALO brushes himself off and water goes flying in every direction.

MUSCALO
And-a Cotello… clean-a-uppa this-a mess!

EXIT MUSCALO, STIZZA, AND PISTO

COTELLO listens until he hears the outer door slam shut.

The sound of a Gear creaking, and the water stops flowing.

COTELLO rushes over to the safe and reads the top slip of paper, and then shoves it near the bottom of the pile.

COTELLO moves to the mop stops short, rushes back to the pile of plumber advisos, pulls out Boldo’s and sets it on fire. It burns his hand and he throws it into the air like the paper from an Amaretti cookie. It goes up in flames and then pops out in a puff of smoke, a few black ashes fall into the ashtray with the messy cigars.

FADE TO BLACK.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is I need to go much bigger and badder.

Scene 1:

A. Current Scene Logline: GG goes to buy new glasses

B. Essence: GG buys new glasses that Kitten broke by knocking off desk, optician helps him buy a new pair that actually look good

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

GG trips over mat while entering store wearing an old pair of glasses that are no longer his prescription

GG touches the Optician’s hand while handing her the glasses almost falls off chair

GG tells her he needs something unbreakable and points to some ugly glasses

GG has a whole list of requirements for the glasses: they must has blue blockers for computer work, be sturdy, have unbreakable frames and lenses, aren’t too heavy….

GG can’t fathom that the good looking glasses won’t break (she twists them)

GG has to have his vision checked again because he only has an old pair. While in the chair he starts to hyperventilate because the ophthamologist is also a beautiful woman and she is so close to him.

She has to give him a paper bag to breathe into.

GG sees himself differently in new frames

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.

Instead of just a kindly optician and ophthamologist assisting GG with new glasses, GG comes up against his difficulty with women, his clumsiness, his opinion of how he does and should look, a startling revelation that he is actually handsome. There are women in the world who aren’t out to get him. Optician flirts with him a bit.

Scene 2:

A. Current Scene Logline: Pets acting out after brother leaves

B. Essence: GG is out of his depth, doesn’t know what to do

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

Pets won’t eat their food

Pets knock over food and water bowls

Pets bark, squawk, Meow LOUDLY (like an alarm), yowl

Pets follow him under his feet

Pets walk in zig zags in front of him so he can’t get anywhere

Pets get zoomies and run around house knocking everything over and moving furniture

GG has to clean up broken glass and try and see if any of the pets have glass on them

He tries to vacuum them (different reactions: some don’t won’t to stop the vacuuming, others try and smack him/scratch him, knock him over

In desperation GG closes himself in bedroom with laptop, but Pets scream outside the door, push toys underneath, bang on the door, scratch the door, and then OPEN the door and jump on top of the bed with him.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.

I was writing this scene in a milder way. The trouble GG has immediately is at an extreme level and just keeps coming.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Full Out Characters

What I learned from this assignment is that my characters really needed a LOT of work and I will look at this again in the future.

1) The Drake/Fabio Ferrari

Original Description:
Fabio Ferrari is a writer of the mysterious, surreal, bizarre, and occult.

Updated Description:
Fabio Ferrari is a writer of the mysterious, surreal, bizarre, and occult. His mission is to terrify his audience into goodness.

Original Traits:
Generous, Romantic, Collector, Fiery

Updated Traits:
Big-hearted, Romantic, Obsessive Collector, Fiery, Show Off, Horror Victorianorum, Incorruptible, Genius

Secret (Remains the same): He has an elaborate plan to propose to Violetta.

Original Goals/Subtext:
To get his plumbing installed so he can take a shower; to wed Violetta; to hold a Galla at his new Chateau to unveil his Egyptian artworks and his new novel.

Updated Goals/Subtext:
To get his plumbing installed so he can be clean enough/not stink in order to propose to Violetta; to hold a Galla at his new Chateau to unveil his Egyptian artworks, other scary collections including one with unsolved murders (as he hopes to get his pal Sir Arthur Canon Doyle to visit), and a special installment of the fabulous to honor his recently deceased friend Lewis Carroll.

2) Baldo

Original Description:
Baldo is a Plumber (but definitely NOT a good one)

Updated Description:
Baldo is a Plumber (but definitely NOT a good one), his mission is to stay alive and explore the Sphinx and Pyramids in Egypt.

Secret (Remains the same): He is in hiding from Muscalo’s (the Big Guy’s) Cammora crime family.

Original Traits:
Immoral, Lazy, Cowardly, Fool

Updated Traits:
Unscrupulous, Slothful, Gutless/Chicken, Buffoon, Gourmet

Original Goals/Subtext:
To avoid the Cammora and death, and to satisfy his addiction to all things Egyptian.

Updated Goals/Subtext:
To avoid the Cammora and death, to satisfy his addiction to all things Egyptian, and to feel afraid – he enjoys it.

3) Violetta

Original Description:
Gorgeous, vibrant, stunning, captivating being. She is Fabio’s assistant and head of household.

Updated Description:
Gorgeous, vibrant, stunning being… almost angelic. She is Fabio’s assistant and head of household. She is incredibly competent and is in control of everything except Baldo.

Original Traits:
Musical, Gentle, Efficient, Helpful

Updated Traits:
Musical, Gentle, Resourceful, Meticulous, Charming, Dauntless

Original Secret:
She is in love with Fabio, but feels it is inappropriate to let him know.

Updated Secrets:
She is in love with Fabio, but feels it is inappropriate to let him know.
Baldo infuriates her because she cannot run the household properly because he is out of control. She is the “Big Guy’s”/Muscalo’s daughter. She was thrown out of the Napoli Orchestra for getting into a fist fight with the cellist.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: Rename

[Susan]

For Mike:

Good work making these two at cross purposes. You really made me hate Nick and root for John. There is only one thing I don’t understand (feeling a little stupid here).

NICK

Jordan and Eric. They find ‘em, I supply ‘em.

What does it mean that Jordan and Eric find ’em? If Nick is supplying them wouldn’t he be finding the drugs? Maybe I’m just too old.

[Susan]

SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.

SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.

NOTE: If you want to display the actual fight, that is fine, but the ESSENCE of this scene should have to do with the cat and mouse game of gathering the info.
——–

Susan McClary’s QE cycle #2 REWRITE

LOGLINE: John finds Nick’s mansion hidden in the woods. He has been tasked to infiltrate Nick’s lair, save a fellow agent, and get information on just how dangerous Nick is.
ESSENCE: Nick is more dangerous than anyone thought and John really could use some help here. He must now save the world from a “mad scientist” who wants to destroy all of humanity.

SCENE: The Lair

FADE IN:

EXT/INT MANSION

JOHN rings the door chimes of a large mansion hidden in the woods. Then knocks repeatedly.

A BUTLER finally opens the door.

JOHN spits his gum out in the hedges before entering.

BUTLER
The Master says he’s been expecting you.

JOHN
(Raising his eyebrows)
Oh he did, did he?

The BUTLER escorts JOHN through a long hallway to a set of large wooden double doors. He opens them and leads JOHN inside.

JOHN taps on the doors to check if they are solid.

The room is ornate and filled with a multitude of expensive artwork, books, instruments, furniture, and furnishings.

BUTLER
Please wait here.

JOHN enters the room and remains near the doors. He scans the room from that position checking for traps.

BUTLER
(Displaying these.)
Champagne? Beluga? The Master says to make you feel at home.

JOHN
(Sniffing them.)
Not at present.

BUTLER
Very well, Sir.

JOHN
Will Nick be gracing me with his presence soon?

BUTLER
I will let him know you have arrived.

BUTLER puts the tray on small table at the rear of the room and EXITS.

JOHN, is not impressed with his surroundings, he’s seen it all before. He checks behind the stuffed sofas and the drapes, then walks toward a stunning painting of trees in a field with mountains in the background. He is captivated.

NICK tip toes into the room.

NICK
Feel the frame. Go ahead. It’s hand carved. Do you know the artist?

JOHN
It’s a Monet, “Les Sables, Giverny.” It just sold at auction for 5.6 million euros.

NICK
(Quite annoyed)
Indeed. I was the one who bought it.

JOHN stares at NICK now, happy that he got a rise, but wondering if he’s dealing with an idiot?

NICK CONT
It’s oeuvre typical of Monet…

JOHN
(Interrupting, pushing it)
Yes, especially his brush strokes and how he establishes light. Gorgeous!

NICK
(Getting angry)
I find solace in your final appearance here in my hideaway, as Monet found solace in Giverny. It’s been so long since we’ve seen you….

NICK staring down JOHN and waltzing slowly toward him.

NICK CONT
By the way, how did you find us?

JOHN
Is that the royal we, or are there more than one of you in there?

NICK picks up the tray of Champagne and Caviar and offers it to JOHN.

NICK
Sure you wouldn’t like a little snack? There’s no food or drink allowed where we’re going.

JOHN
No thank you. I wouldn’t want to barf in your sanctuary.

NICK sneers, pushes a button on the side of a bookcase and it swings away from the wall. He uses the pendent (an obscure key) hanging from his neck to open the once hidden door.

JOHN eyes the room behind them. No one, not even the BUTLER.

NICK then steers JOHN through the safe room door and closes it behind them. They are now in a small room with a concrete and steel staircase extending downwards.

JOHN surveils every angle: up, down, sides, corners… he sees a spider in a corner web near the stairs.

JOHN
Must be lonely in here. I know the feeling. You don’t happen to be poisonous do you?

As NICK and JOHN both descend.

NICK
Watch your head.

The stairs pitch down to a medium sized room with a bomb shelter door at the far end.

The walls of the lower room are covered in rows of time cards and an old fashioned time clock. In front of the door is a metal detector with GOONS looming on either side.

The GOONS take JOHN’S gun.

Behind this door is an enormous modern bomb shelter which spreads out under the hill behind the mansion.

There are hundreds of people working on complex futuristic machinery.

NICK
Shall we?

NICK pops on sunglasses. JOHN shields his eyes. They both walk further into the brightly lit structure.

JOHN
What is this?

JOHN turns and looks back at the door. He sees the other agent tied up near the exit.

NICK
It is the epicenter of my operations.

JOHN
What operation is that Nick?

NICK turns on a microphone hidden in his lapel.

NICK
(In a loud commanding voice filling the enormous room)
Attention!

All the WORKERS stand up straight and salute NICK. We now see that they aren’t people at all, but amazing lifelike robots.

NICK CONT

And now that you’ve seen it you’ll never leave…
(Mumbling under his breath, just loud enough for John to hear)
at least not alive… just like that fellow over there. Being clobbered by animatronic fists will turn anyone’s bones to jelly.

JOHN focuses at the agent again, and is stunned to realize he’s dead.

JOHN
And your plan is?

NICK
To repopulate the planet of course. The world is filled with such evil people. Robots are so much nicer…
(Sniffing the air)
And they don’t fart.

JOHN takes his plastic disposable lighter out of his pocket and lights the next one up.
A streak of fire startles NICK and blinds the ROBOTS.

JOHN sprints to the door. He salutes the dead AGENT.

JOHN
Apologies for my late arrival.

Outside the door JOHN knocks out the two living GOONS, grabs his gun, and huffs it up the stairs.

NICK and the robots recover, and are in hot pursuit.

NICK
Get him!

JUMP CUT TO:

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: formatting issues

[Susan]

For Christi:

Good job. You have a lot of twists and turns in there. I would personally prefer if the wallet bit was left out. Also John is super forgiving – not one of his listed traits. I’m not sure I would forgive Nick and Sadie for what appear to be real reasons for distrust and deep hurt (although we don’t know any at all from Sadie, and only one that Nick spoke horribly about Jenny – what did he say?). In the end even though Nick believes the recipe is in the envelope, does it have to be in there? What could be in there instead?

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s QE cycle #2

SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.

SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.

LOGLINE: John finds Nick’s mansion hidden in the woods. He has been tasked to infiltrate Nick’s lair, save a fellow agent, and get information on just how dangerous Nick is.

ESSENCE: Nick is more dangerous than anyone thought and John really could use some help here. He must now save the world from a “mad scientist” who wants to destroy all of humanity.

SCENE: The Lair

FADE IN:

EXT/INT MANSION

JOHN rings the door chimes of a large mansion hidden in the woods. Then knocks repeatedly.
A BUTLER finally opens the door.

JOHN spits him gum out in the hedges before entering.

BUTLER
The Master says he’s been expecting you.

The BUTLER escorts JOHN through a long hallway to a set of large wooden double doors. He opens them and leads JOHN inside.

The room is ornate and filled with a multitude of expensive artwork, books, instruments, furniture, and furnishings.

BUTLER
Please wait here.

JOHN enters the room, takes a long look around checking for traps.

BUTLER
(Displaying these.)
Champagne? Beluga?

JOHN
(Sniffing them.)
Not at present.

BUTLER
Very well, Sir.

JOHN
Will Nick be gracing me with his presence soon?

BUTLER
I will let him know you have arrived.

JOHN, is not impressed with his surroundings, he’s seen it all before. He checks behind the stuffed sofas and the drapes, then walks toward a stunning painting of trees in a field with mountains in the background. He is captivated.

NICK tip toes into the room.

NICK
Feel the frame. Go ahead. It’s hand carved. Do you know the artist?

JOHN
It’s a Monet, “Les Sables, Giverny.” It just sold at auction for 5.6 million euros.

NICK
(Quite annoyed)
Indeed. I was the one who bought it.

JOHN stares at NICK now. Is he dealing with an idiot?

NICK CONT
It’s oeuvre typical of Monet…

JOHN
(Interrupting)
Yes, especially his brush strokes and how he establishes light. Gorgeous!

NICK
(Getting angry)

I find solace in your final appearance here in my hideaway, as Monet found solace in Giverny. It’s been so long since we’ve seen you….

NICK staring down JOHN and waltzing slowly toward him.

NICK CONT
By the way, how did you find us?

JOHN
Is that the royal we, or are there more than one of you in there?

NICK pushes a button on the side of a bookcase and it swings away from the wall. He uses the pendent (an obscure key) hanging from his neck to open the once hidden door.

JOHN checks the room behind them. No one, not even the BUTLER.

NICK then steers JOHN through the safe room door and closes it behind them. They are now in a small room with a concrete and steel staircase extending downwards.

JOHN looks at every angle: up, down, sides, corners… he sees a spider in a corner web near the stairs.

JOHN
Must be lonely in here. I know the feeling.

As NICK and JOHN both descend.

NICK
Watch your head.

The stairs pitch down to a medium sized room with a bomb shelter door at the far end.

The walls of the lower room are covered in rows of time cards and an old fashioned time clock. In front of the door is a metal detector with GOONS looming on either side.

The GOONS take JOHN’S gun.

Behind this door is an enormous modern bomb shelter which spreads out under the hill behind the mansion.

There are hundreds of people working on complex futuristic machinery.

NICK
Shall we?

They both walk further into the brightly lit structure.

JOHN
What is this?

JOHN turns and looks back at the door. He sees the other agent tied up near the exit.

NICK
It is the epicenter of my operations.

JOHN
What operation is that Nick?

NICK
(In a loud commanding voice filling the enormous room)
Attention!

All the WORKERS stand up straight and salute NICK. We now see that they aren’t people at all, but amazing lifelike robots.

NICK CONT
And now that you’ve seen it you’ll never leave…
(Mumbling under his breath, just loud enough for John to hear)
at least not alive… just like that fellow over there. Being clobbered by animatronic fists will turn anyone’s bones to jelly.

JOHN focuses at the agent again, and is stunned to realize he’s dead.

JOHN
And your plan is?

NICK
To repopulate the planet of course. The world is filled with such evil people. Robots are so much nicer…
(Sniffing the air)
And they don’t fart.

JOHN takes his plastic disposable lighter out of his pocket and lights the next one up.

A streak of fire startles NICK and blinds the ROBOTS.

JOHN sprints to the door.

JOHN
(Speaking to the dead AGENT)
Apologies for my late arrival.

Outside the door JOHN knocks out the two GOONS, grabs his gun, and huffs it up the stairs.

NICK and the robots recover, and are in hot pursuit.

JUMP CUT TO:

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

For Mike:

Good improvement from your original post. Well done. I have a few comments.

1) This sentence is unclear:
The lord of the feast, KING HARBINTOLL, sits on his ostentatious throne-like chair in the most prominent spot, and listens to ROBRIC whisper something into his ear before slithering among the other hearth-companions.

2) I feel like it would improve the scene if The Bard tried to give the knife to Robric instead of Treowulf, and then Treowulf has a real reason to slit his throat. Robric’s response would also make more sense if earlier he had also whispered into the Bard’s ear.

3) Since you have comedy in your scene it might benefit from the actual fighting portion to be amusing as well. For myself I would look at the films The Princess Bride and pretty much anything from Jackie Chan.

For Christi:

Wow, very interesting what you discovered about yourself! Thank you for sharing that. Your new scene made me laugh. I have a couple of comments that have to do with clarity. I had to reread these to make sense of who was doing what when.

1) A house in a state of celebration. PLEDGES stand in different corners and hold bowls of different fruit. Alcohol flows freely but not irresponsibly. ROBERT, 24, shyly opens the door and turns as TRENT, 24, enters inside a full suit of armor.

ROBERT

I have returned!

2) ROBERT

Problems?

TRENT

Nothing I can’t handle. PLEDGE!

A pledge scampers in with a bowl of fruit and a pillow between his knees. He drops the pillow in front of him, then kneels and extends the bowl above his head.

For Anita:

Good rewrite. I’m just not sure Robert could actually sell the Kinko’s since he doesn’t own it.
Does he believe Trent left it to him in his will?

It also occurred to me that you mean that Robert really does own the Kinko’s, but I didn’t

feel the truth of that for his character traits or for Trent’s character traits. Robert is

always full of it and Trent could own a Kinko’s franchise and brag of having some wealth

because he has his own business, but barring a miracle no one actually would get rich owning

only one Kinko’s.

For Danielle:
Good work on the rewrite. It is definitely better than the first. I am a little confused

about the character traits though… isn’t it Robert who is the one who is always

supposed to be making things up?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Request for feedback partnerS

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Rewritten Scene, QE Cycle 1

I learned that I could add more interest when concentrating on the techniques.

INT./EXT. TRENT’S HOUSE EVENING HALLOWEEN

TRENT and girlfriend SKYE are giving a Halloween party. The large
L.R. is lavishly decorated like Spook-A-Rama in Coney Island.
Trent is dressed as Batman with the mask pulled up over the top of his
head. He is bouncing in front of his sound system.

TRENT
(Hum-Singing to himself)
Devil with a blue dress, blue dress,
blue dress. Devil with a blue dress
on!

TRENT switches the music to a creepy mix. He waves to SKYE who is a
super hot Cat Woman with a bejeweled blue, belled collar. SKYE waves
back, her bells tinkle. She winks and does a little bunny butt wiggle.

ROBERT approaches TRENT. He has been drinking TRENT’S
champagne for the past hour and is carrying a bottle of Dom Pérignon
and his empty champagne glass in the same hand.

He is costumed as the Devil.

Under his large red cape, he is impeccably dressed in a black pinstripe
suit and patent shoes. His face is painted red and black and he is
wearing devil horns and carrying a child’s pitchfork, which he is twirling,
in his other hand.

ROBERT (BOBBY/BOB)
(Dancing over to TRENT)
Wow, Skye really looks zesty! But
you are busting out of that costume
man! How many hours you spend at
the gym? You know you’re not
really Bruce Wayne, right?

TRENT
(Changes the music to
“Devil Went Down To Georgia”)
Well hello there Bobby, aren’t you
dressed just perfect. But where’s
your snake?

ROBERT
(Waving his pitchfork and grinning
at SKYE, drooling out of the side of
his mouth)
Love your Champagne man,
(In hushed tones)
even though I know you can’t
afford it. Hey listen man, I gotta tell
you something I heard about your
girl there.

TRENT
(Starting to fume)

Listen Bobby,
Skye is not a girl, she is a lady. And
watch out with that bottle of Dom,
we just had the floors redone.

ROBERT
(Under his breath, chuckling
wickedly)
OK a woman, not a lady.

TRENT
(Turning almost as red as Bobby’s
painted face, then changing the
subject)

Come out to the Limo with
me. You have got to check it out. As
I told you on the phone, I want to
showcase one of my top of the line
Limos and show you exactly why
the fleet’s such a great investment
for you.

TRENT and ROBERT walk up to the gleaming cream Limo at the end of
the driveway. TRENT opens the rear doors and they get in. There is room
for another set of seats in front of their legs. TRENT reclines the seats.
BOBBY, already a bit tipsy almost falls off.

TRENT
(Trying not to laugh)
Well what do you think, Bob? The
vehicles are all soundproofed, the
driver can’t hear what’s going on
unless the client gives the OK,
there’s WIFI, options for
Champagne and Caviar, interstate
trips….

ROBERT
(Interrupting, too pissed to even
think about money) I’ll think about
it and get back to ya. But you
know … I do want to let you know
what I heard about Skye.

TRENT
(Grabs ROBERT by his suit lapels,
screams in his face) No more of
your stinking lies about Skye!

ROBERT
She’s stepping out on you man. I
just thought you should know.

TRENT throws ROBERT’S cape over his face and then punches him in
the nose hoping no blood will stain the upholstery.

TRENT
(Getting out of the Limo, looking
down on ROBERT, and checking
the upholstery)
I warned you, you evil piece of shit!
No more lies!

ROBERT
(Gasping) It’s me man. We’ve been
banging for months now.

TRENT clutches the roof of the Limo to stop himself from falling. Then
locks ROBERT in the Limo.

LONG SHOT
As TRENT staggers to his door, he pulls down the hanging skeleton, then
lurches inside.

Eerie sounds of wind, leaves rustling, a screech owl, and a pack of
coyotes yipping and howling. A black cat jumps on the hood of the cream
limo and casts a long shadow.

Suddenly SKYE walks out of the house and down the drive to the Limo.

CLOSE UP ON TRENT

As TRENT opens the house door. A burst of wind steals the handkerchief
from his hand.

TRENT
(Wipes tears away
with his wrist, calls
out to SKYE)
Don’t let him vomit in the Limo.

SKYE rolls her eyes, opens the Limo door, drags Robert out, checks the
seat for vomit, and slams the door. ROBERT grabs at her.

SKYE
(Slapping ROBERT’S face)
You’re a weasel Bob! How could
you lie about me like that?!

ROBERT
(Tenderly touching his nose)
Ooof!

ROBERT CONT
(Righting himself, his clothing, and reaching for SKYE again)
I’ve loved you since the third grade.

SKYE stamps her feet in anger and frustration, looks around, picks up
one of the jack-o-lanterns lining the drive and in one swift move smashes
it over ROBERT’S head.

ROBERT is dripping with pumpkin pieces, pulp, and a burning candle is
now glued on the top center of his head between his squashed horns.

SKYE slinks triumphantly back to the house.

ROBERT holds his nose with both hands trying to straighten it without hurting himself.

ROBERT
(Talking to himself)
Who’s gonna want me now?

ROBERT reaches up to wipe the pumpkin away and burns himself on the
candle flame.

ROBERT
(Shaking his hand)
Oooouch!

FADE TO BLACK.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: Formatting Issues, still not fixed
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

INT./EXT. TRENT’S HOUSE EVENING HALLOWEEN

TRENT and girlfriend SKYE are giving a Halloween party. The
large L.R. is decorated like Spook-A-Rama in Coney Island.

Trent is dressed as Batman with the mask pulled up over the
top of his head. He is bouncing in front of his sound
system.

TRENT
(Hum-Singing to himself)
Devil with a blue dress, blue
dress, blue dress. Devil with a
blue dress on!

Trent switches the music to a creepy mix. He waves to SKYE
who is a a super hot Cat Woman. SKYE waves back, winks and
does a little bunny butt wiggle.

ROBERT approaches TRENT. He is costumed as the Devil. He is
impeccably dressed in a black pin-stripe suit and patent
shoes. His face is painted red and black and he is wearing
devil horns and carrying a child’s pitchfork.

ROBERT (BOBBY)
(Dancing over to TRENT)
Wow, Skye really looks zesty! But
you are busting out of that costume
man! How many hours you spend at
the gym?

TRENT
(Changes the music to
“Devil Went Down To Georgia”)
Well hello there Bobby, aren’t you
dressed just perfect. But where’s
your snake?

ROBERT
(Waving and grinning at SKYE, his
drink drooling out of his mouth)
I gotta tell you something I heard
about your girl there.

TRENT
(Starting to fume) Listen Bobby,
Skye is not a girl, she is a lady.

ROBERT
(Under his breath, chuckling)
OK a woman, not a lady.

TRENT
(Turning almost as red as Bobby’s
painted face) Come out to the Limo
with me. You need to check it out.
As I told you on the phone, I want
to show you why the fleet’s such a
great investment for you.

TRENT and ROBERT walk up to the gleaming cream Limo in the
driveway. TRENT opens the rear doors and they get in. There
is room for another set of seats in front of their legs.
TRENT reclines the seats. BOBBY, already tipsy almost
falls off.

TRENT
(Trying not to laugh)
Well what do you think? The
vehicles are all soundproofed, the
driver can’t hear what’s going on
unless the client gives the OK,
there’s WIFI, options for Champagne
and Caviar, interstate trips….

ROBERT
(Too pissed to even think about
money) I’ll think about it and get
back to ya. But you know I do want
to let you know what I heard about
Skye.

TRENT
(Grabs ROBERT by his suit lapels,
screams in his face) No more of
your stinking lies about Skye!

ROBERT
She’s stepping out on you man. I
just thought you should know.

TRENT throws ROBERT’S cape over his face and then punches
him in the nose hoping no blood will stain the upholstery.

TRENT
(Getting out of the Limo, looking
down on ROBERT)
I warned you, you evil piece of
shit! No more lies!

ROBERT
(Gasping) It’s me. We’ve been
banging for months now.

TRENT clutches the roof of the Limo to stop himself from
falling. Then locks ROBERT in the Limo and staggers to the
door.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is….

Using even more interest techniques than I had originally, made my writing more interesting and funnier.

Take a scene that needs to be more interesting and use the Interest list to brainstorm more interesting ways to write it.

Take these steps:

Select the scene from your script that needs help and give us a logline for that scene.

Logline: Fabio follows Boldo to Sofia’s ristorante to spy on him.

Tell us the essence of the scene.

Boldo goes to Sofia’s to soothe his fears with food and spend more even more time avoiding doing his plumbing work in order to stay in San Remo and hide from the Camorra. Fabio follows Boldo to spy on him and find out what he is up to and why Fabio still can’t take a shower.

Tell us at least two (more if you can) interest techniques for the rewrite.

Suspense, Surpise, Intrigue, Irony

Rewrite the scene using as many interest techniques as you can and include the newly rewritten scene in your post.

Baldo zig-zags through the center of town on his bike/ordinator. Fabio pulls to the side of the road next to a fountain with a Cherub splashing water from his pene to observe Boldo. “A bit high class for him, no?” Ferrari pulls a rifle from behind him and points it in Boldo’s direction… in order to remove the brand new rifle scope. He looks through the scope and sees Baldo totter through the door of Sofia’s Ristorante. The door smacks Boldo in the ass and he is thrust forward.

Inside Sofia’s we see Boldo bash into a table and pull on the table cloth to right himself. The couple sitting there hold onto the table and cloth to keep their lunch from falling off. They each give him the “the double horns” hand gesture. Boldo is mortified. He clutches his chest, shivers, crosses himself and kisses the cimaruta charm hanging from his neck chain.

Back at the fountain Fabio exasperated, exclaiming to the cherub, “Why did I hire that fool? All the pipes and pumps were installed… all he had to do was hook up the fixtures!” Fabio looks the cherub in the eyes and sighs, “He came with official papers from the Italian Commissioners of Trade Offices… and he had a heart tattoo on his fat hairy chest with a cupid, a bow and ah arrow inside… you can understand that right? That must have hurt!” Shaking his fist, “I believed he was in love, a good man!” Fabio gazes down at his feet, “So who’s the sentimental fool now, huh?” Fabio puts the rifle scope back up to his eye, but the solar glare on the pane glass window prevents him from seeing inside. “Useless!”

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Profiles People

ANSWER THE QUESTION – What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…

Looking at People’s / Character’s traits helps to understand their processes, their motivations, and their actions. I could not get it down to only four.

Select three EXTREME people in your life. At least one of them should be someone you really like. At least one of them should be someone you don’t like.

As I did above, think about the experiences you’ve had with each person and make a list of their CORE traits. You’re not looking to know every single thing about them. You want to get to the heart of who they are — and with extreme people, that is easier to do.

Name the people Person 1, Person 2, and Person 3, and list their 4 core traits.

Person 1
Generous
Thoughtful
Rescuer
Self-deprecating
Impatient
Frightened
Liar

Person 2
Psychopath/Narcissist
Gaslighter
Charming
Selfish
Ignorant
Needy
Liar

Person 3
Narcissist/Sociopath
Vicious
Hypnotic
Race-baiter
Anti-semite
Cruel
Liar
Murderer
Charming to some

Interact with them, knowing their traits, and see if they respond in a way that is consistent with those traits.

Post the results of your testing and how their traits stayed the same or changed.

Stayed the same

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Susan McClary Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is… Redoing my concept and having a set of story morals for this comedy of errors really helped me see the scene essences better.

Script I choose: MCSRM

Scene 1 Location: EXT New Chateau Duke Fabio Ferrari

Logline: Fabio wonders when his shower will be hooked up, Baldo the plumber skips out on his bicycle. Fabio follows in his new Fiat.

Essence I’ve discovered: Fabio wants to stop itching and shower to find sweetness in his life again while Baldo is rushing to lunch to feed himself into oblivion and to stop worrying.

New Logline: The Duke fumes and fidgets, tugs on his sweaty clothes, then spies Baldo riding away on his bicycle talking to himself, and again not installing the shower. Fabio follows him in his Fiat to find out what is going on.

Scene 2 Location: EXT Sofia’s Ristorante

Logline: Fabio spies on Baldo and enlists the help of a youngster

Essence I’ve discovered: Fabio uses candies to soothe himself of his anger, and uses sweets to entice a young boy to spy on Baldo inside Sofia’s

New Logline: Fabio spies on Baldo to soothe himself and believes it will work for others.

Scene 3 Location: INT Sofia’s Ristorante

Logline: Boy Eduardo uses Fabio’s cash to buy a slice of cake inside Sofia’s in order to follow Boldo when he leaves.

Essence I’ve discovered: Eduardo is in awe of Fabio and his artifacts. He wants to appease any “spirits” that may be connected to Fabio by doing his bidding and get sweets as a bonus. Baldo fills himself with food to stop his ghosts.

New Logline: Eduardo is intent on following Baldo, his life may be at stake. He does whatever it takes to succeed including being forced by Sofia to wash his hands before he sits down. Boldo stuffs himself.

Scene 4 Location: EXT Bookstore

Logline: Boldo refuses to compete with his Domino nemisis because he’s in a hurry to get his magazaines but then is frustrated by having to wait for Demetrio to open the shop at 4 pm after lunch.

Essence I’ve discovered: Boldo is obsessed with Mummies and can’t wait to get his magazines and book.

New Logline: Boldo refuses to compete with his Domino nemisis because he can’t think of anything else besides his Mummy literature. He gives in when Giotto points out the shop will be closed until 4 pm. Demetrio doesn’t return until 4:30 pm which torments him.

Scene 5 Location: INT Meeting Room of Muscalo’s Family Camorra headquarters

Logline: The Ragazzone Muscalo (the big guy) decides to go after the plumber who worked at the headquarters because nothing works.

Essence I’ve discovered: Muscalo kills anyone who screws with him. He’s an idiot

New Logline: The plumbing backfires in Muscalo’s face causing him to vow to kill the plumber who put in the faucet.

[Susan]

Hello screenwriters,

My name is Susan McClary

I’ve written 1.5 full length screenplays and a bunch of shorts. I’m working on the first novel of a three part series and several short stories and the .5 screenplay right now.

I fully expect to increase the quality of my writing by 100% or even more.

Something unique, special, strange or unusual about me…. I am an armchair physicist and have my own theory of everything.

[Susan]

ASSIGNMENT 1

Susan McClary Finds the Essence

What I learned from this assignment is that finding the essence of a scene and writing the scene from it creates intensity

Select five scenes from a produced script and tell what you believe the essence is.Of the five scenes, tell us the location, a logline for each, and the essence.

Please select the scene that you feel had the most profound essence and post the scene along with its essence. Then in three sentences or so, tell us why you believe this is the essence of this scene.

Script I chose: CINEMA PARADISO

Scene 1 Location: GIANCALDO. SALVATORE’S MOTHER’S HOUSE. EXT/INT. DAY
Logline: Maria and Lia argue about whether or not to tell Salvatore that Alfredo died
Essence: Alfredo was very important in Salvatore’s life

Scene 2 Location: ROME. STREETS. EXT/INT. NIGHT
Logline: Salvatore and Curly Haired Girl exchange looks through car windows. Girl’s Boyfriend gets jealous
Essence: Salvatore is handsome and desirable, but left behind as an older generation

Scene 3 Location: ROME. SALVATORE S APARTMENT. INT. NIGHT
Logline: Salvatore comes home late to his sleeping lover who lets him know his mother called to say he never visits and someone died
Essence: Salvatore is surprised and upset knowing Alfredo has died / Salvatore’s lover Clara loves and sticks up for him / Salvatore is estranged from his Mother, his Sister and the town where he grew up

Scene 4 Location: CINEMA PARADISO AND PROJECTION BOOTH. INT. MORNING
Logline: Salvatore watches the film and the situation as the Priest lets Afredo know when to cut out parts of the film
Essence: Salvatore is thrilled by the film, especially the kissing parts that the Priest wants cut

Scene 5 Location: SQUARE AND ENTRANCE OF CINEMA PARADISO. EXT. NIGHT
Logline: Salvatore used the milk money to see a film, his Mother is furious. Alfredo covers for him saying they let him in free, he must have lost the money and makes sure they get the 50 lire back. Alfredo is Maria’s Uncle.
Essence: Alfredo cares deeply for Salvatore as Salvatore cares for him. They have a special friendship, have secrets, and share a deep love for film

Most profound essence:

My selection for the most profound essence of the above scenes is Scene 3:

Post the essence and why you believe that is the essence:

Essence: Salvatore is surprised and upset knowing Alfredo has died / Salvatore’s lover Clara loves and sticks up for him / Salvatore is estranged from his Mother, his Sister and the town where he grew up

Post why you believe that is the essence:

I believe that is the essence because of the change in Salvatore when he finds out Alfredo has died, and because of the conversation Salvatore has with Clara.

Post scene here without worrying about formatting:

3 ROME. SALVATORE S APARTMENT. INT. NIGHT
The apartment is luxurious, tastefully furnished. There is no one waiting for
SALVATORE. Through the picture window on the terrace, the city can be seen
slumbering in the night. SALVATORE gets undressed on his way to the bedroom. He
moves quietly, as if to make no noise. He doesn’t even turn on the light,
finishes getting undressed in the pale blue glow coming from the picture window.
A rustling sound, a movement on the bed, the voice of a woman waking up.
CLARA
Salvatore…But what time is it?
She turns on the bedside light. It is CLARA, a young woman around thirty.
SALVATORE climbs in beside her under the covers, kisses her sweetly, then in a
whisper.
SALVATORE
It’s late, Clara. Sorry, but I wasn’t
able to let you know I wouldn’t be
corning…
(He fondles her, but he is
tired, feels like
sleeping.)
Go to sleep now. Sleep.
He turns over on the other side. CLARA shuts her eyes, is about to drop off,
but whispers.
CLARA
Your mother phoned. She took me for
somebody else…
SALVATORE
(Surprised)
And what’d you tell her?
CLARA
I played dumb, so as not to
disappoint her. We had a nice little
talk. She says you never go see her,
and when she wants to see you she has
to come to Rome…Is it true?
SALVATORE doesn’t answer. God only knows how often he’s heard that question
before.
SALVATORE
She phoned just to say that?
She reaches out to switch of the light, buries her head into the pillow.
CLARA
She said a certain Alfredo had died.
And the funeral’s taking place
tomorrow afternoon…
(A strange look suddenly
comes into SALVATORE’S
eyes. The idea of going to
sleep has clearly left
him. It’s a piece of news
he didn’t expect. That’s
taken him off-guard. CLARA
would like to carry on the
conversation, but
sleepiness makes
it almost impossible. An
she can manage is one last
question in a faint little
voice:)
Who is it? A relative of yours?
SALVATORE
No. Sleep. Go to sleep.
She falls asleep in the dead silence of the night. SALVATORE is seized by a
sort of chill a deep, troubled feeling. He gazes through the window al the city,
with its shimmering lights still moving in the darkness, suddenly shrouded in a
heavy curtain of rain. But he gazes off, beyond the row of houses, beyond the
dark sky; the shadow of a wind chime plays across his face summoning up endless
memories, drawing forth from the infinite depths of oblivion a past that he
thought had vanished, been wiped out, and instead now re-emerges, comes back to
life, takes on light, superimposing itself on the mellow middle-aged features of
his face, in the shadow of the city shaken by the storm, until another image is
formed, an ancient, remote image…

[Susan]

AGREE, in which case, you Reply to this topic and include three things at the top of the page:

1. S.B. McClary

2. I agree to the terms of this release form.

3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Susan]

ASSIGNMENT 15.2

Susan McClary’s Builds Meaning with Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment is:

I’m not happy with the lines, I’ll need to work on them.

Select three (3) lines (from your script or lines you make up) that you want to build deep meaning around.
Create an arc for each line — Beginning meaning to ending meaning.
With each line, look through your script to find opportunities to build the line into at least three scenes that work for the arc.
For each one, tell us the line, the arc, and the different meaning you gave the line in the scenes it appeared.

1) “…. new pets.”
New pets line: i) brother says, “pretend you got a bunch of new pets,” ii) GG says, “I don’t want any new pets, I don’t want any pets at all.” iii) When remembering his X girlfriend she said something about never wanting to get any new pets (a physical realization that maybe he took on her feeling about it). iv) GG says to pet store clerk, “I have some new pets and I want to get the best foods for each one.”…. v) Clara?/Handy woman says… “I got everything ready for your new pets, I think I may find a new pet soon myself,” touching his face gently.

2) “…. kicked out of your own/my own house”
i) “Got kicked out of your own house huh… what did you do this time?” ii) GG with Handy woman explaining the situation… “I got kicked out of my own house…” iii) explaining the situation to the pets… “Can you imagine? She kicked me out of my own house?” iv) X reading Fedexed letter… “… I own this house, I allowed you to live in it temporarily, but when you didn’t get your way you kicked me out of my own house. You are now on notice. You have 30 days to vacate.”

3) “I (know/don’t know/am learning) how to take care of pets!
i) Opening when told his brother will be gone for 6 months or more. GG “I know nothing about how to take care of pets! ii) When getting new foods for the pets, GG ” “I am just learning how to take care of pets, could you help me?” iii) Pets singly and together, “Boy you really know how to take care of pets/me/us!” licking and snuggling GG. iv) Clara? handy woman, “I’ve never seen anyone so good with pets.”

[Susan]

ASSIGNMENT 15.1

Susan McClary’s Height of the Emotion

What I learned doing this assignment is:

I jam packed the opening few scenes with emotion. I’ll need to make sure each scene after that has some real emotional content, and then go all out at the end.

Make a list of the 5 most emotional moments in your screenplay.
With each of those scenes, go to the height of the emotion and brainstorm lines that can deliver the deeper meaning of the scene.
Give us a quick explanation of the emotion and meaning of the scene, then the new line that you are going to place there.

1) Opening scene at brother’s house after GG was kicked out of his own house, brother’s response.
GG rings doorbell. His brother answers, “Got kicked out of your own house huh… what did you do this time?”

2) GG learning that he is to care for his brother’s pets for 6 months (or more).
“I don’t want any new pets, I don’t want any pets at all.”
“I know nothing about how to take care of pets!

3) Pets totally acting out right away after GG’s brother leaves.
They won’t eat their food, and they’re all running/flying around with zoomies. GG closes himself in bedroom with his laptop, in desperation, “God help me!”

4) That same night remembering times when his X cut him off, turned his words around, never listened to him, blamed him for her own BS stuff, gaslighted him, made him into a villain, projected her own insecurities onto him. GG sobbing, I’m a wuss!”

5) Waking up the next morning (crack of dawn) with a pet face directly in GG’s face, GG screams and pet screams, GG screams, pet screams…. “Oh my god! Am I still sleeping? Is this a nightmare?” Pet licks his face. “I guess not.”

[Susan]

Assignment 14

Subject line: Susan McClary Delivers Irony!

Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is:

The definition of irony for film is Irony is actions that produce the opposite of the results intended, or two opposing experiences which happen at the same time.

With your list of the New Ways / Insights you want audiences to experience, go through these steps:
Step 1. What is the New Way / Insight you want to deliver?
Step 2. How could you deliver that insight through opposite experiences?
OR.
Step 1. Where could you build opposite experiences into your screenplay?
Step 2. What is the New Way / Insight you want to deliver through them?
Come up with at least five (5) different ways you can create IRONY in your screenplay and deliver an insight.

1) GG sees people as a type of animal and matches them to that animal in a quiz on his new channel.
He gets a couple who turn out to be an elephant and a mouse. The elephant has been complaining that the mouse makes him nervous! Even though this is a cliche it never stops being funny and it’s being used in a new way.

2) New Channel is named Dear Tabby.

3) GG gets thrown out of his own house (old way irony)

4) When people are blaming/shaming etc. GG for their own mirror issues, he mirrors them back.

5) The pets think people should be like them, GG thinks some people act like different animals.

[Susan]

ASSIGNMENT 13

Susan McClary’s Delivers Insights Through Conflict

Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is:

It’s important to build some type of conflict / struggle into each scene.

With your list of the New Ways / Insights you want audiences to experience, go through these steps:
Step 1. What is the New Way / Insight you want to deliver?
Step 2. What kind of conflict could that insight show up in?
Step 3. Brainstorm ways you might deliver the insight through the conflict.
Come up with at least five (5) different ways you can use conflict to express an insight.

GG is Confident / Like/enjoy/appreciate/accept yourself. Depend on yourself for your own self esteem. 1) People putting GG down causes conflict.
GG is Great Listener / Take the time to listen below the surface to find out what people are really saying and what they really want.
2) When people make judgments about you, they are mostly talking about themselves and what they feel and how they see the world not the real you, it is about themselves.
See people as a type of animal and match them to that when you’re trying to speak to them.
3) Check out what people DO and NOT what they say to see who they really are.
4) Watch people’s body language for clues to what they are saying.
5) Match people’s body language to diffuse conflict.
You do NOT have to be a mirror for other people’s insecurities, neurosis, or even psychosis
6) When people blame/shame/put GG down for their own insecurities he begins to fight back.
Figure out what people actually want/ what they are pushing for with you or their situation then…
GG Asks the right questions
GG goes right to the heart of the matter,/ 7) conflict: sometimes people get insulted, too bad.
People ask for GG’s advice on his new channel Dear Tabby
GG gives great advice / 8) conflict: but some people hate it like his X and his neighbor
GG understands what they (pets and people) want /need, and/or their neurosis
GG is Happy
The way you look/appear is a reflection of how you feel inside / 9) conflict:
X, “Wow… you never looked so handsome before!” That’s because I’m happy NOW, gazing down at her.
GG is Content with self
GG Ignores other people’s mirror opinions / 10) conflict when telling people what he really sees they are doing and they don’t want to hear it.
GG Stops trying so hard and just starts living / 11) X and neighbor try to infiltrate GG’s happiness creating conflicts, but as time goes by GG is stronger and stronger at stopping it.
GG Talks to people in his personal life in person instead of on the phone/texting or email / 12) GG originally did not like conflict and so tried to avoid it, but now he sees people for who they are, and usually says something that cuts them off, but at the same time they can’t absolutely say he insulted them, e.g. I’m feeling sorry you’re having such a miserable day, maybe some ice cream is in order (it’s time to buy a new dress, to go to the gym, etc,)
GG loves Pets and takes great care of them
The Pets adore GG

[Susan]

ASSIGNMENT 12.2

Susan McClary’s Turns Insights Into Action

Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment:

It is important to have action show the benefits of the changes so it can become real for the audience and so they are never being lectured about anything.

Create a list of the New Ways and Insights you’d like audiences to experience when they watch your movie.
With that list, brainstorm ways to turn the New Ways / Insights into Action. Come up with at least five (5) New Ways and the Action that will express them.

GG is Confident
Action – GG starts a new channel Dear Tabby
GG is Great Listener
GG Asks the right questions
People ask for GG’s advice
GG understands what they (pets and people) want/need, and/or their neurosis
1- Sees flashes of how people he knows are like different types of animals in how they behave.
GG is Happy
GG is Content with self
2 -End of film GG fell asleep on couch and wakes up with the Pets covering and all around him with a smile on his face.
GG Ignores other people’s mirror opinions
GG Stops trying so hard and just starts living
GG Talks to people in his personal life in person instead of on the phone/texting or email
3- One of the pet dogs takes GGs cell phone and tosses it into the toilet bowl (that’ll teach him for leaving the seat up) GG has to go out and also speak to more people to get a new phone and on the way he meets a kid who is walking his dog. The kids dog is all over GG, just loves him and licks his face, etc.
4- GG texts Handywoman about what he needs done at his house. She calls him back to set up a time for an in person meeting to discuss everything he wants for a dream pet property at his place.
5- Has comparatively long in person conversations with the Handywoman
Setup: from the beginning his brother’s Toucan flies into GG’s head and sits there and pulls strands of his hair through his beak. This frustrates GG in several scenes. Action for new: GG is taking a shower and picks up his hair conditioner and pops it open, he smells it, it’s lovely. Then he reads the label… all natural tropical fruit conditioner! A light bulb goes off! He suddenly gets why the Toucan is always on his head.
GG loves Pets and takes great care of them
The Pets adore GG

[Susan]

ASSIGNMENT 12.1

Subject line: Susan McClary’s Seabiscuit Analysis

What I learned doing this assignment is:

There are lots of different types of profound films. Seabiscuit is a great film, but I know it and had to force myself to watch it again. It is extremely depressing even though it has a semi-happy ending, especially watching it now while idiots are creating another depression for our country to go through just so that they can have more power over us and make even more money.

Watch the movie SEABISCUIT. As you do, look for the Profound Moments (any moment in the story that seems profound to you).

List the Profound Moments, then tell briefly what made them profound for you.

Charles Howard’s son dies.
Tom Smith saves horse with fractured foot from being put down.
Seabiscuit learning ow to be ahorse again running in the country and Red enjoying riding again.
Seabiscuit throwing goat out of paddock.
Calms when another horse is put in his stable with him.
Seabiscuit breaks track record with competition.
Howard tells Red, “rather have you be strong, than thin.”
Howard asks Red what he’s so mad about after other jockey fouls him.
Red almost throws books his father gave him in the river.
Red sheepishly asks Howard for money for his tooth, and says he doesn’t know when he would be able to pay him back, when they win a race, that is if Howard still wants him to ride. Howard says, “Of course I want you to ride.”
The first time Red and Seabiscuit win a race.
Six successive victories for Red and Seabiscuit.
Seabiscuit became the symbol for getting a second chance during the depression. Howard says to crowd,
“Sometimes all people need is a second chance.”
Ongoing relationship between Red and Seabiscuit, and Seabiscuit and Howard, and Tom. Also the relationships between all the people including Howard and his new wife who is totally supportive of him.
Red get severely hurt and may never ride again, but doesn’t want Howard to scratch. He tells Howard to call his friend Georgie to race Biscuit, and they win.
Biscuit wins race against war admiral.
Red has a broken leg and Biscuit a ruptured ligament and they heal each other. They mend together.
Red finds a way to brace his leg so he can ride again.
Howard is too afraid to let Red ride, because he’s afraid he could get crushed and die (Red is like his second son and his first died in an accident).
Seabiscuit and Red win the big race.

[Susan]

ASSIGNMENT 11

Susan McClary’s Living Metaphors

What I learned doing this assignment is:

Some of the challenges can be seen in multiple ways with aspects of Should Work but Doesn’t, Living Metaphor, Questions and Counterexamples.

Brainstorm at least five of each of today’s challenges that you can put in your screenplay.

Go through your story outline or script and brainstorm the following: – 5 Should Work, But Doesn’t challenges – 5 Living Metaphor challenges
With each, tell us the Old Way and the Challenge, and how you think it might play out in your story.

Should Work But Doesn’t Challenges:

1) All Pets except one will not eat their food. GG goes online to look up what to do. All articles/videos talk about stress and abandonment syndrome. He plays pet de-stress music for them, and talks to them quietly and assures them that their “Daddy” will come home soon. This does not work.
(what does he do? he checks on all their foods and it is all vet foods, but not that healthy. Then goes to the pet store and buys them the best, healthiest foods for each type of pet)
2) GG gets a phone call from his X and she asks him when he will turn into a human being so he can come home? His old way is to be nice and not insult her. This of course doesn’t work, so hangs up on her.
3) X calls back because even though he has distanced himself, and she again starts screaming at him so he tells her to kiss his furry ass. She’s stunned. That shuts her up for a while.
4) Challenge trying to find out what each individual pet requires e.g. Parrot squawking all night long. Old way: put treat in cage, Parrot goes in, close cage and cover it. Makes things worse. Resolves when GG brings Parrot cage into bedroom with him. (also if Parrot is inside he needs to move it back to open area of house where he is working on the computer during the day)
5) Brother keeps calling and checking up on GG and how the Pets are doing. GG give him an extensive list of everything he is doing for them, but it doesn’t help calm his know-it-all brother. GG refuses to call brother’s partner and calls a pet psychic instead. (which also doesn’t work)

Living Metaphor Challenges:

1) Puppy creating a Stonehenge made up of puppy papers, piss and doody in living room metaphor for other people ritualistically crapping on GG in his relationships with them.
3) Dogs dig under Safflower’s Fence and try to eat her pet Koi metaphor for some people causing trouble for GG and other people in his life.
4) Listening to eat pet as if he was that pet, hearing the dog like he is a dog, a cat like he is a cat, a parrot like he is a parrot etc., metaphor for doing that with people… watching what they do, and listening to what they mean and not necessarily what they say instead of thinking that they are thinking like he does and doing what he would do in a situation.
5) Pets destroying Safflower’s fence metaphor for GG needing to get behind people’s facades, and also GG needing to take larger action.

[Susan]

ASSIGNMENT 10

Susan McClary’s Counterexamples

What I learned doing this assignment:
That the questioning dialogue or actions can easily lead into counterexamples.

Brainstorm at least 5 Question challenged and 5 Counterexamples you can put in your screenplay.

Go through your story outline or script and brainstorm the following:

5 Question Challenges to an Old Way.

1) Brother to GG: Why don’t you ever stick up for yourself?
2) X-Girfriend in bedtime remembering/flashback screaming at GG to get out of his own home until he can behave like a “human being.”
3) X-girlfriend is unbearable impatient with GG as he tries to form responses to her attacks.
4) Nosy neighbor comes and asks GG if he is housesitting or something? (also irony with the pets)
5) All Pets but one dump their food bowls on the floor and refuse to eat.
6) Brother calls and demands an answer to the pet store expenses on the credit card.

5 Counterexamples to an Old Way.

1) Brother dumps huge task of taking care of his menagie of Pets on GG right expecting him not to say no and stick up for himself.
2) GG behaving like a human being even though X is a crazy freak.
3) GG’s actual grace and patience are a counterexample to his X’s attacks.
4) GG gets sarcastic with “Safflower” and asks her if her folks were hippies? Slightly defending himself in a way she cannot even fathom.
5) GG goes and buys new healthier food for each of them.
6) GG explains the food situation plainly and clearly.

[Susan]

Assignment 9.2 Old Ways

Subject line: Susan McClary’s Old Ways Challenge Chart

What I learned in this assignment:
I have a far way to go to create many old ways set ups in each scene and new ways reveals that are surprising and not totally obvious.

2) Using the chart, make a list of Old Ways for your story — habits, assumptions, filters of perception, beliefs, social values, rules, etc. for your story.

GG feels out of place in society… doesn’t seem to fit in with any generation and their values, Allows others to steam roll him/bully him, is a mirror for others negative self reflections, hopelessly apologetic, has trouble talking to women, sees himself through other’s eyes, sticks to him tech life, people assume techies are geeks and anti-social, GG bewildered about himself and other’s needs and feelings, doesn’t see his true self, or other’s true selves, people close to him see him as a blungler (not true in professional tech world), GG doesn’t stand up for himself, He’s the “little” brother, never had a pet and doesn’t understand them. Thinks he can find everything online.

3) Fill in any ideas you have for ways to challenge each of the Old Ways.

GG gets fed up with people haranguing him. People keep pushing his buttons forcing him to change. Pets keep pushing his buttons forcing him to change. Fear that cute kitten might die. X-girlfriend tosses him out of his own house and he has to stick up for himself. Tries a Pet “psychic.” Annoying neighbor, trying to get menagerie to stop “disturbing’ her. GG gets big responsibility put on him to care for brother’s menagerie of pets

[Susan]

Assignment 9.1

Susan McClary’s 12 Angry Men Challenge Analysis

What I learned doing this assignment:
I feel like I wanted to learn this with a more subtle film where everything wasn’t so obvious. I’ve had enough of watching totally predictable films, in which I know exactly what is going to happen when. I want to be surprised, and I’d like to make things be there so the audience is not fooled, but is also surprised.

Watch the movie 12 ANGRY MEN. As you do, fill in the Old Ways you see; using the chart, make a list of Old Ways for the movie — habits, assumptions, filters of perception, beliefs, social values, rules, etc. – and the Challenges presented to those Old Ways.

Old Ways: Assumption of Guilt, New Ways actually dissecting the presented information

Old Ways: Just want this over, New Ways taking time to give the defendent the benefit of the doubt

Old Ways: Not caring, New Ways: making other people’s lives meaningful

Old Ways: Prejudice, New Ways: Seeing people as individuals

Old Ways: Not looking beneath the surface, New Ways: taking apart the so-called facts

Old Ways: Assuming evidence is reliable, New Ways: checking if the evidence makes any sense and if it is even possible

Old Ways: Assuming accurate winesses, New Ways: questioning if the witnesses could have seen, heard what they say they did

Old Ways: Assuming Defense did it’s job, New Ways: Asking why the defense left so many little things out and did not object to prosecution

Old Ways: Assuming case is completely logical, New Ways: Pulling apart case bit by bit in a timely order and asking whether or not this makes sense.

[Susan]

S.B. McClary’s Profound Ending

What I learned doing this assignment is:

That a new personal developing bond would be necessary to deliver everything.

1) What is your Profound Truth and how will it be delivered powerfully in your ending?

Each person is unique and deserves to be seen and heard for who they truly are will be delivered as

GG has been able to successfully understand how to express himself around others and never let them use him as a negative mirror for their own beliefs and validation. We see GG with a 2nd channel giving relationship advice. We see GG

2) How do your lead characters (Change Agent and Transformable Characters) come to an end in a way that represents the completed change?

See 7 and 8 below.

3) What are the setup/payoffs that complete in the end of this movie, giving it deep meaning?

Born on the cusp of Millennial and Gen Z doesn’t fit either to he is himself.

Grouch meter for others’ reactions, Basically shunned. No matter how nice he is no one his age accepts him. A mirror for other’s insecurities to being accepted and loved by people in tech and relationship worlds, and by animals.

Hopelessly apologetic to sticking up for himself.

His girlfriend threw him out, she thinks he’s either insulting or cold and withdrawn

Sees himself through other’s eyes – that he

bungles everything to gets a 2nd career, does

the right things, sticks up for himself, gets his house back.

Bewildered about himself, and other’s needs and feelings (does he always have to guess?) to being able to give relationship advice.

He has to live at his brother’s place and is put in the extraordinary position of

suddenly having to take care of his brother’s NUMEROUS pets. He’s never had a pet

and doesn’t understand them even more than he doesn’t understand people to loving pets who adore him and making room for them in his home.

4) How are you designing it to have us see an inevitable ending and then making it surprising when it happens?

Intrigue, comedy,

5) What is the Parting Image/Line that leaves us with the Profound Truth in our minds?

MM #7 – Finally one of the puppies leaves him a stonehenge of crumpled up puppy pads with piss and doody in a circle. GG slips and falls and hits his head. All the animals surround him to check on him. He wakes up with bird feet on his chin and a parrot beak bobbing up and down over his face like a bobble toy, cats sniffing his ears, and…. Now he understands everything the pets are saying to him. He realizes that if he listens like a cat to the cats, a dog to the dogs, a parrot to the parrots etc., and like lucy kittie to lucy kittie, and like dutch the dog to dutch the dog he would understand them. Hey maybe it could work with people too! If he listened to his brother as if he was his brother, and etc. then he would understand them too. And if they made him their mirror for their insecurities he wouldn’t take it personally because it was really their own problems and he could be understanding or even tell them to, “bite me!” He realizes it’s not his problem, he’s really just a nice guy. He starts a new channel with animated animals giving relationship advice. Challenge – really putting his alter ego out there… “If Pets Could Talk.”

Logline: forcing him to delve into his own and other’s true natures and become the new Dear Tabby.

Gradients: Courage; Weakness: Tentativeness.

MM #8 – New channel going well. Getting a lot of buzz.

GG sends his X a next day FEDEX that who will give his X a 30 day notice letter that X has to sign for. He also hires a handy-woman (in person conversation) who will stay at his place to do all the fixer-upper-ing during that time. She says GG is absolutely adorable and sooooo sweet for taking care of his brother’s Pet menagerie. Love at first sight? The Handywoman has a couple of her own Pets who have to be with her while she’s staying at GG’s house (which X is very allergic to) so X leaves in a couple of days. We see Handy putting in all new locks, pet doors, outdoor runs, cat and bird cages, etc.. In the end she puts in all new door locks, locks the place up and gets in her truck. Safflower sneaks into brother’s house while GG’s out running?, and finds out it’s him Dear Tabby. She threatens to out him to his techie sponsors for his tech channel (challenge). Turns out the Techie sponsors (who have had similar issues with people) adore his new advice channel and sponsor both…. 5 stars! GG exhausted, falls asleep on his brother’s couch and ALL the Pets pile on and around him to cuddle. He wakes up door bell ringing. He sees/feels all the Pets on and around him and smiles, yells, “Who is it?” It’s the handy-woman with bags full of take-out for them and the Pets.

Logline: Becomes the new Dear Tabby

Gradients: 1) Betrayal; Weakness: Worried Pets will get hurt. 2) Triumph; Releif.

Outcome: GG exhausted falls asleep on couch and wakes up with ALL the Pets cuddled up on and around him.

New Ways: Adores the Pets, Confident, Great Listener, Asks the right questions, People ask for his advice, He understands their neurosis, Happy, Content with self,

Ignores other people’s mirror opinions, Stops trying and starts living. Sees himself for who he truly is.

Profound Truth: Each person is unique and deserves to be seen and heard for who they truly are.

[Susan]

ASSIGNMENT 7

Susan McClary’s Connection with Audience

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?”

I realized I already had this built into my MM model.

1) Tell us which characters you are going to INTENTIONALLY create a connection with the audience.

GG Jughead

Various Pets

2) With each character, tell us how you’ll use each of the four ways of connecting with the audience in the first 30 minutes of the movie. A. Relatability B. Intrigue C. Empathy D. Likability

GG Jughead –

Relatability: Almost everyone has had a really difficult day when everything seemed to go wrong and just when you thought you were out of the woods things got worse. That is what happens to GG. Almost everyone has been misunderstood at some time in their lives. The screenplay starts out with GG being misunderstood by his girlfriend, and his brother. Anyone who has had pets has had them act out in one way or another.

Intrigue: Will GG get over his X-girlfriend throwing him out of his own house? Will he ever be able to take care of his brother’s menagerie of pets? Will they like him? What will they do next? Will he learn to stick up for himself?

Empathy: GG’s getting piled up on and it appears that he will be unable to cope. His X-girlfriend threw him out of his own house.

Likeability: GG seems like a nice guy. He is also extremely funny and entertaining.

Various Pets –

Relatability: Anyone who has had a pet understands when they feel sad and abandoned. Anyone who has had a pet has experienced their acting out.

Intrigue: Will the pets adjust to their “Dad” being gone? Will they get taken care of properly? Will they every accept GG?

Empathy: People feel sad when pets are unhappy.

Likeability: They are very cute, endearing, funny, and entertaining.

[Susan]

ASSIGNMENT 6

Susan McClary’s Transformational Stucture

What I learned doing this assignment:

That taking all the steps and putting them together really makes a cohesive story.

1. Tell us your Transformational Logline.

A (Post millennial) geeky, out of place “Jughead” dumbfounded by people’s reactions is thrown into an unexpected situation forcing him to delve into his own and other’s true natures and become the new Dear Abby.

2. Tell us who the main character will be:

Change Agent: Pets

Transformational Character(s): GG Jughead

3. List out your Mini-Movie structure,

(or whatever structure you’ve chosen) for your story.

MM# 1 – GG arrives at brother’s house with a small bag of clothes and a few boxes of tech stuff to move in for a while as his X girlfriend tossed him out of his own appartment (Challenge). As soon as his cab arrives his brother informs GG that he is leaving for Thailand with Vets without Borders to take care of the elephants for six months. He hands GG a list of all the things GG will need to do to care for all his pets/menagerie and a Credit Card to cover all expenses. “Follow these instructions to the letter, And if you have any problems just call my office, my partner and staff will be there.” (Challenge) “And by the way, what did you do to piss off X?” Brother leaves zipity zip! GG lies in bed replaying what his X said and did and his reactions.

Log line: A (Post millennial) geeky, out of place “Jughead” dumbfounded by people’s reactions is thrown into an unexpected situation….

Old Ways: Born on the cusp of Millennial and Gen Z doesn’t fit either, Grouch meter for others’ reactions, No matter how nice he is no one he knows truly accepts him, A mirror for other’s insecurities, Hopelessly apologetic, Basically shunned, His girlfriend threw him out, she thinks he’s either insulting or cold and withdrawn, Sees himself through other’s eyes – that he bungles everything, Bewildered about himself, and other’s needs and feelings (does he always have to guess?), He has to live at his brother’s place and is put in the extraordinary position of suddenly having to take care of his brother’s NUMEROUS pets. (Challenge) He’s never had a pet and doesn’t understand them even more than he doesn’t understand people.

Gradients: Denial; Never Sticking up for himself. Anger; Helplessness.

MM #2 – GG reads list out loud, all the Pets are listening. “Well, I can do this, what’s the big deal? Feed ‘em, clean up, play a litte….” GG does everything on the list, but the Pets start acting out seriously. During this time neighbor comes to introduce herself. “Hey I’m Safflower from next door. You housesitting or something?” “Safflower, hmmm were your folks hippies or something?”

Gradients: Denial; Procrastination.

MM #3 – GG goes online to try and get information about each of the nutso pets. None of it works. Refuses to call brother’s partner.

Logline: forcing him to delve into his own and other’s true natures

Gradients: Bargaining; Thinking all his answers are online.

MM #4 – GG’s X keeps calling to harangue him, and his neighbor keeps banging on the door to complain about the noise, the smells and the escapes. GG tells her they all have pedigrees and asks for hers. Brother keeps calling to check up on GG. Finally calls pet “psychic” to find out what pets really want. She tells him they miss his brother.

Gradients: Depression; Weakness: Believes what others think… that he is not up to the challenge.

MM #5 – GG tries everything to get all the pets to “cooperate” with him. Explains that his brother will be back in a few months. One day one of the kittens jumps in his lap while he’s at his computer and is making an enormous noise like a outdoor motor (challenge). GG terrified, finally calls his brother’s office and an assistant answers the phone, tells him to put the phone by the kitten so she can hear it. Turns out it is just a very LOUD purr. “That kitten must REALLY like you.” Brother calls and makes fun of GG about the purring. Stunned GG realizes he still knows nothing about animals or people.

Logline: forcing him to delve into his own and other’s true natures

Gradients: Acceptance; Weakness: He is not the man he wants to be.

MM #6 – GG decides to take each pet and speak to them individually and ask them to please help him know what to do and how to help them. A lotta nada. Blank stares from the pets and even more destruction of Safflower’s property. “Someone” digs under the fence and tries to attack her koi. She flips out and demands retribution to the offender (challenge). One of the larger dogs rushes the door and sticks his long pointy nose directly into her yoga pants crotch. She runs screaming she’ll call animal control. X’s voice in his head that he is a useless featherbrain!

Logline: Forcing him to delve into his own and other’s true natures.

Gradients: Discouragement; Weakness: Self doubt.

MM #7 – Finally one of the puppies leaves him a stonehenge of crumpled up puppy pads with piss and doody in a circle. GG slips and falls and hits his head. All the animals surround him to check on him. He wakes up with bird feet on his chin and a parrot beak bobbing up and down over his face like a bobble toy, cats sniffing his ears, and…. Now he understands everything the pets are saying to him. He realizes that if he listens like a cat to the cats, a dog to the dogs, a parrot to the parrots etc., and like lucy kittie to lucy kittie, and like dutch the dog to dutch the dog he would understand them. Hey maybe it could work with people too! If he listened to his brother as if he was his brother, and etc. then he would understand them too. And if they made him their mirror for their insecurities he wouldn’t take it personally because it was really their own problems and he could be understanding or even tell them to, “bite me!” He realizes it’s not his problem, he’s really just a nice guy. He starts a new social media with animated animals giving relationship advice. Challenge – really putting his alter ego out there… “If Pets Could Talk.”

Logline: forcing him to delve into his own and other’s true natures and become the new Dear Abby.

Gradients: Courage; Weakness: Tentativeness.

MM #8 – New social media going well. Getting a lot of buzz. Safflower sneaks into house while GG’s out running?, and finds out it’s him. She threatens to out him to his techie sponsors for his tech channel (challenge). Turns out the Techie sponsors (who have had similar issues with people) adore his new advice channel and sponsor both…. 5 stars!

Logline: Becomes the new Dear Tabby

Gradients: 1) Betrayal; Weakness: Worried Pets will get hurt. 2) Triumph; Releif.

Outcome: GG exhausted falls asleep on couch and wakes up with ALL the Pets cuddled up on and around him.

New Ways: Adores the Pets, Confident, Great Listener, Asks the right questions, People ask for his advice, He understands their neurosis, Happy, Content with self,

Ignores other people’s mirror opinions, Stops trying and starts living. Sees himself for who he truly is.

Profound Truth: Each person is unique and deserves to be seen and heard for who they truly are.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: HTML issues

[Susan]

Assignment 5

Susan McClary’s Three Gradients

What I learned doing this assignment is:

I learned that the story I am thinking of does not fit neatly into either gradient of change and I will need to either, see the gradients differently than I am now, or mix them together, or add some more sections, or do one and then the other.

Tell us the following:

1. What is the Emotional Gradient

you’ll use?

I am really not sure. Two different Gradients below.

2. For each emotion of that gradient,

tell us the following:

A.Emotion: B. Action:

C. Challenge / Weakness: Etc..

1st Gradient FORCED CHANGED:

A. Denial;

B. Action: GG arrives at brother’s house with a few clothes and boxes of his tech equipment. He figures in a few days, he’ll just get a new place and settle in sans his ex. C. Challenge: X-girlfriend throws him out of what once was his own apartment and he moves in with his confident brother. Weakness: Never sticking up for himself.

A. Anger;

B. His brother the Vet tells GG that he’s leaving for Thailand with Vets without Borders to help take care of the elephants. GG will now have to watch and take care of Bro’s menagerie while he’s away. C. Challenge: GG never even had a pet, knows ZERO about animals or how to take care of them, and they are causing a LOT of trouble. Weakness: Helplessness.

A. Bargaining;

B. Action: GG tries to get the Pets to behave and he tells them he’ll do whatever it takes to give them what they need, only he doesn’t know what that is. C. Challange: Trying to understand what each type of pet and each individual pet requires. Weakness: Thinking all the answers are online.

A. Depression;

B. Action: Continues to try new things and fails. C. Challange: No matter what he does, GG doesn’t understand the pets and his brother is harassing him by phone checking up. This is even worse than people! Weaknesss: GG believes he is not up to the challenge.

A. Acceptance;

B. GG falls and cracks his head and suddenly understands the animals. C. Challenge: GG gets it and realizes he really just needs to get to know each of them and meet them where they are. The pets don’t project their insecurities onto him like people do. He adores them! Weakness: BUT is he correct/self doubt.

2nd Gradient: DESIRED CHANGE:

A. Excitement;

B. Action: Doing what they really need and want really works, viola! WOW!

C. Challenge: Can GG get them to get along with him? Weakness: X’s voice in his head that he is a useless featherbrain!

A. Doubt;

B. Action: Starts tentatively posting advice online incognito (as an animal/s – which one/s how is their advice different?): “??? Says… If Pets Could Talk.” C. Challenge: How to help? Weakness: Usually plans everything in advance. This is a big risk.

A. Hope;

B. Advertises his Posts/Blogs on site.

Needs to Keep his Tech personna seperate from this “Pet” personna. Weakness: This is totally new to him, is he the right person to do this?

A. Discouragement;

B. A few people ask for help and he answers. Gets a load of hecklers on Social Media C. Challenge: can people really stop treating other people like shit?! Weakness: His past behavior to attacks from others is to leave/give up.

A. Courage;

B: Action He helps some people realize they are only seeing other people through their own eyes. C. Challenge: Really putting his alter-ego out there. Weakness: Past relationships/hiding from his tech sponsers.

A. Betrayal;

B. Neighbor outs him as the techie/pet advice guy. C. Challenge: Will Tech sponsors accept his other “job.” Weakness: 2 Worlds Collide.

A. Triumph;

B. 5 Stars! Tech companies love it, they sponsor both his ventures. C. Challenge: How do the Pets feel about it? Weakness: the Pets leave him all to himself while he’s busy.

Outcome: GG exhausted falls asleep on couch and wakes up with ALL the Pets cuddles up on and around him.

[Susan]

ASSIGNMENT 4A:
Susan McClary's Lead Characters 
What I learned doing this assignment is:  
That even though I have an idea for the story line, I am feeling unsure about details for the main characters. 
Even if you are not completely sure about which characters are which, give us your current GUESS about these four roles.
1) Tell us your transformational journey logline.
A (Post millennial) geeky, out of place "Jughead" dumbfounded by people's reactions is thrown into an 
unexpected situation forcing him to delve into his own and other's true natures and become the new Dear Abby. 
2) Tell us who you think might be your Change Agent and give a few sentences about how that character fits the role. Also, include: - Their vision: - Their past experience that fits that vision: 
Brother? His brother keeps calling him from Thailand to make sure he is taking care of the animals. 
and the 
Animals? They keep wanting things and GG just doesn't know what. 
3) Tell us who you think might be your Transformable Character(s) and give a few sentences about how that character or characters fit the role. 
The geeky guy (GG). 
Born on the cusp of Millennial and Gen Z doesn't fit either 
Grouch meter for others' reactions 
No matter how nice he is no one accepts him 
A mirror for other's insecurities 
Hopelessly apologetic 
Basically shunned 
His girlfriend threw him out, she thinks he's either insulting or cold and withdrawn 
Sees himself through other's eyes - that he 
bungles everything
Bewildered about himself, and other's needs and feelings (does he always have to guess?) 
He has to live at his brother’s place and is put in the extraordinary position of 
suddenly having to take care of his brother’s NUMEROUS pets. He’s never had a pet 
and doesn’t understand them even more than he doesn’t understand people. 
4) Tell us who or what you think might be The Oppression and give a few sentences about how The Oppression works in your story. 
The situation of GG being thrown into taking care of his brother's menagerie of pets while his brother 
does a stint as a Vet without Borders helping 
elephants in Thailand. 
5) Tell us who you think might be your Betraying Character and give a few sentences about how that character fits the role. 
Ex-girlfriend? who wants him back but he is so not interested in, or annoying neighbor? who keeps bitching about the animals noise, smells, etc.. 
This character would have to out him as the new Dear Abbey that everybody loves. Paradoxically this only makes him MORE popular. 

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Analysis of Dead Poets Society 4B 

What I learned: 

I like this film a lot better when I was younger. Watching it now I found it was way too “talkie” for me. Even most of the points that were supposed to be profound seemed to be overly talkie. I understand that part of that was to use the poetry, but most of the poetry used just didn’t do it for me. There are plenty of other dead poets who I’d personally rather hear from. A reminder to use more action without talk overs to tell your story in scripts! 

1) What is the change this movie is about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie?

From: Tradition, Honor in society’s eyes, Discipline as your told, Excellence in things
To:   Self, Honor/Truth, Discipline as a human being, Excellence from the Heart

There is a difference between the work we do to sustain life (e.g. engineering, Lawyer, Doctor, etc.), and what we sustain our lives for (love, passion, beauty). 

Think for yourself and seize the day! 

2) Lead characters:

       a. Who is the Change Agent (the one causing the change) and what makes this the right character to cause the change?

The teacher of the upper level “boys,” Mr. Keating. He went to Hell-ton previously and became a true version of himself anyway.

	 b. Who is the Transformable Character (the one who makes the change) and what makes them the right character to deliver this profound journey?

Most of the students in Mr. Keating’s class make the change and are transformed, however four appear to be the most significant. These two: Todd and Neil are roommates and have the most profound transformations. They help and stick up for each other during the course of the film. 

Neil is energetic and ripe for change, but his Father sets out his entire life for him and makes even small decisions for him allowing him absolutely no wiggle room. He goes from repressed to ecstatic and when his true heart is taken from he he kills himself. 

Todd is quiet and afraid to show any part of himself. He is under pressure to live up to his brother’s legacy. He slowly transforms to the one who really tells the truth, sticks up for Mr. Keating, and defies the Headmaster. 

Knox has trouble even thinking about speaking to girls to getting a date with, “the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” 

Charlie goes from not really interested in being a real player in life to being the one who writes an article for the school journal demanding that girls be enrolled into the school. 

       c. What is the Oppression?
Generally the Wellton’s static rules and the Headmaster. 
Specifically for Todd: trying to live up to his brother’s legacy;  
and for Neil: his Father. 

3) How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to connect with this story?

First by the fun energy of the “boys.” Then by seeing the step by step transformations of the students and how they blossom individually. 

4) Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the profound journey? From “old ways” to “new way of being.” Identify their old way: Identify their new way at the conclusion: 

The journey is to go from someone who follows all the “old ways,” and static rules, and does what is expected of them by parents and elitist society to someone who follows their own heart and truth, and creates their own legacy based on being true to who they really are. 

5) What is the gradient the change? What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were changing?

The boys are “stiff” and follow all the rules. 

Their eyes are opened by studying with Mr. Keating. 

Day by day Keating using different methods to open them up to who they are and what they want such as: scaring them, shocking them, making them think, opening their emotions, using physical activities. 

The Dead Poet’s Society meetings further free them to begin to seize the day. 

Individually they each become more of who they are (even the betrayer). 

6) How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?

The belief that everyone has to do it the same way in order to fit in is challenged by seeing the possibility of doing things differently. 

7) What are the most profound moments of the movie?

Mr. Keating takes class to display case and shows them all the students who are now dead. Gather ye rosebuds….

Seize the Day.

When Neil makes sure Todd can come to the Dead Poet’s Society meeting even though he won’t read. 

The first time in the Cave for the Dead Poet’s Society. 

Todd being forced to create a poem spontaneously in front of the class. 

Mr. Keating stands of desk to remind everyone to look at things differently, from another perspective. 

Neil’s joy in being cast as Puck. Then his exasperation with Todd 

Charlie publishes article demanding girls be enrolled in Wellton. 

Neil’s father refuses to listen to him. 

Neil kills himself. 

Other young men who already know what happened come and tell Todd. 

Todd freaks out. 

Todd runs outside half naked in the snow. He is stunned by the beauty and then must realize Neil is missing this and runs down the hill screaming for Neil. 

Todd stands on his desk. 

Almost the entire class stands on their desks. 

Todd says O’ Captain my captain. 

Keating thanks boys. 

8) What are the most profound lines of the movie?

You may call me Mr. Keating… or you may call me O’ Captain My Captain. 

We are food for worms. 

Carpe Diem, Seize the Day 

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for….

… the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be? 

What will your legacy be? 

I stand on my desk to remind myself we must constantly see things in a different way. 

Can’t I even for a minute enjoy the THOUGHT of getting the part? 

Neil, Neil, Neil! 

O’ Captain, my Captain. 

Thank you boys. Thank you. 
 
9) How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?

The students transformed from controlled boys to the beginning of free thinking young men. They accept Mr. Keating’s challenge to think for themselves, to choose the lives they want, and to begin to create their own legacies. 

10) What is the Profound Truth of this movie?

Life is a prison formed by other people’s rules and expectations unless we break out of living for them and live for ourselves with passion from our inner truths and from our hearts. 

• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s Transformational Journey

What I learned from doing this assignment is:

A new way to create a log line by using the transformational journey.

1. Tell us your longline for the transformational journey.

A (Post millennial) geeky, out of place “Jughead” dumbfounded by people’s reactions is thrown into an

unexpected situation forcing him to delve into his own and other’s true natures and become the new Dear Abby.

2. Tell us what you see as the Old Ways.

Born on the cusp of Millennial and Gen Z doesn’t fit either

Grouch meter for others’ reactions

No matter how nice he is no one his age accepts him

A mirror for other’s insecurities

Hopelessly apologetic

Basically shunned

His girlfriend threw him out, she thinks he’s either insulting or cold and withdrawn

Sees himself through other’s eyes – that he

bungles everything

Bewildered about himself, and other’s needs and feelings (does he always have to guess?)

3. Tell us what you see as the New Ways

Confident

Great Listener

Asks the right questions

People ask for his advice

Happy

Content with self

Ignores other people’s mirror opinions

Stops trying and starts living

[Susan]

Susan McClary’s First Three Decisions

What I learned doing this assignment is:

I learned that I could go through lots of ideas and easily dismiss ones that didn’t feel like they would work.

1. What is your profound truth?

Each person is unique and deserves to be seen and heard for who they truly are.

2. What is the change your movie will cause with an audience?

Inspired to stop using others as mirrors for their own validation, and be willing to really know people for who they truly are and treat

them with respect.

3. What is your Entertainment Vehicle that you will tell this story through?

Metaphor Comedy

• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Subject: Susan McClary’s Analysis of Groundhog Day

What I learned from doing this assignment:

To look deeper into the characters’ personalities and motivations.

We are looking at this movie from the perspective of the change that occurs for the lead character and the audience.

1) What is the CHANGE this movie is about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie?

The change is about finding happiness in what’s right in front of you in the moment, and accepting and loving yourself in order to truly love, support, and give to others, instead of putting up walls to keep other people away, being selfish, and miserable with oneself and one’s life.

2) Lead characters:

*Who is the Change Agent (the one causing the change) and what makes this the right character to cause the change?

The Rita character is the main change agent character for Phil, but Phil is the main change agent for Rita, although other characters do help along the way. Rita is the right character because Phil is enamored with her. She is sweet, lovely, competent, and helpful to him as well as very pretty (although her help is superficial). He doesn’t want to admit it at first, but he can’t help himself. And Phil is the right change agent for Rita because he presses all her “buttons.” She needs to open up, grow up, live in the 20^th century (at the time the film was made) instead of the 18^th century, and stop being afraid of getting really close to someone. It’s not until Phil really needs help (which she doesn’t even want to give at first) that she is able to begin to see him for who he is underneath his brusque exterior.

*Who is the Transformable Character (the one who makes the change) and what makes them the right character to deliver this profound journey?

Phil (the person) is the main transformable character (he has the same name as the groundhog who probably doesn’t like his life either), although Rita is also transformed (she has the same name as “lovely Rita meter maid” in the Beatles song). Phil is transformed by what he knows is actually happening to him and Rita is transformed by what is happening to her in the “ethers” (as with her deja vu). Phil goes from a person who doesn’t like or love himself to someone who does and can then be giving and loving to others. Rita goes from a sweet cool child to a warm accepting adult.

*What is the Oppression?

The oppression is the situation of reliving the same day over and over again, as well as the limits of each character’s personality.

4) How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to connect with this story?

&

5) Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the profound journey? From “old ways” to “new way of being.” Identify their old way: Identify their new way at the conclusion:

The film is set up with a repeat of what happens on the same day over and over again and we can see how Phil’s reactions are different with certain people and circumstances each day. This is interesting.

Right away we can tell that Phil is not happy with his job or himself, and that he really wants to be a newscaster in a big time station, not a weatherman and he can’t even get the weather right. He also uses jokes and humor in order to hide his true feelings and deflect other people’s wants and needs away from him because he doesn’t believe he has the strength to meet them. He doesn’t like small towns because people know each other well and if people knew who he was they would never accept him. He can hide in the city. He is a true underdog, and although he is obnoxious… he is sad, endearing and funny and we root for him to succeed. Rita is like a child who ate too much sugar and has a wall up to stop herself from having a real relationship. She also is not happy with her job and is still living in the 18^th century. She is very nice when things are at arm’s length, but when things get personal she can get really snippy and cold. We get drawn in to her story as well and hope her fragility is not broken by Phil’s skullduggery. Then we get further drawn in to the story when Phil wakes up and it is Groundhog Day again and again and again, and we want to see what will happen. Also many people relate to everything going wrong at times and feel like their days are the same drudgery over and over again. Only Phil knows what is happening, but everyone else is really living the same day over and over again with him. It is only when he breaks free that everyone else can too. In the end Phil enjoys his life, likes and loves himself, feels comfortable with other people who easily accept him and is able to express his love to Rita. In the end Rita has grown up and is courageous enough to be able to help another person, Phil, with a serious problem in an intimate and profound way. She lives in the present and is not only competent anymore, she is also courageous and complete.

6) What is the gradient the change? What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were changing?

Phil: Brusque, self-serving joker, hiding his true self because he believes he is inadequate. He doesn’t like himself or his life and he doesn’t want anyone to know who he really is, so he hides behind constant jokes and superficial relationships. Phil gets stuck in Punxsutawney, PA. He tries to get out because he says he is a celebrity in an emergency. He is miserable that he has to stay there. The next morning he wakes up and it is Groundhog Day again. He is in shock. He sees the same people, they say the same things and he is totally freaked out. Every day he gets more and more freaked out, but also tries to use information he gleans from people and occurrences from one day for his benefit on the next day. He selfishly uses this information to have sex with Nancy, to steal a bag of a lot of money from an armored truck. He begins to have some fun with his time, but it is superficial like dressing up as Clint Eastwood to go see a film. Then he asks Rita for help. She takes him to a neurologist and he says Phil is physically fine and might need a psychologist. The psychologist doesn’t know what to do with him and Phil gets more depressed. He talks with 2 drunks in the bar and realizes there are no consequences for his actions so he almost kills them all, but instead gets them locked up in jail. In the morning he is back in bed which proves to him that there are no consequences. He then sets his sights on having a relationship with Rita and gets as much information about her as possible so that he can manipulate her. It doesn’t work. He is rejected repeatedly because every time she begins to trust him he blows it (and gets slapped). He becomes dejected and tries to kill himself numerous times. He kidnaps the groundhog and drives off a cliff so both he and his namesake can be relieved of their prisons. He puts an electric toaster in the shower, he hangs himself, he jumps in front of a car, and jumps off a building…. He tries to stop the old man from dying and he can’t which depresses him more. He finally just comes right out and shows Rita that he knows everybody and what is going to happen in the next minute and begs her to stay with him. She does and they have a wonderful platonic time. He sees her fragility and wants to champion her. After she falls asleep he tells her he loves her, and even though the next day he wakes up on Groundhog Day again he has a new vision of his life. He starts to truly improve himself so that he will be the best man he can be – the man that Rita deserves. In the end he helps everyone in town who has a problem that day (catches the kid who falls out of a tree, changes the tires for some ladies, stops the mayor from choking, helps a young couple get over their fears of getting married, etc.) Everyone thinks he is great and he is happy with himself as well. He is honest and humble. `At the party Rita realizes he’s really good inside and she “buys” him for the evening. When they wake up in the morning it’s February, the day after Groundhog Day. Now he wants to live in the small town because he’s no longer afraid of people knowing who he is. He wants give to Rita, to do something for Rita today, now.

Rita: Begins her journey as a fragile walled up child with dreams of 18th century romance living in the late 20th century. Her dreams are constantly being broken by the roguish Phil who forces her to move out of her comfort zone over and over again. She thinks Phil has gone crazy, but has trouble helping him as she is truly out of her depth. She has trust issues and wonders if he is pulling a fast one. She tries to help him anyway taking him to a neurologist and a psychologist. But she still thinks he is either out of his mind or just trying to get sympathy. Then she begins to really worry that something is wrong, but again slides backwards into doubt. She starts to warm up to the possibility of Phil being quite a different person than who she assumed he was. She realizes that Phil really has a problem and truly helps him. This sets Phil up to finally begin to really become the best man that he can be. When Phil is that man, Rita fully gives up her fantasies and falls for him – the real human being right in front of her. She doesn’t just look like an angel – she is an angel.

6) How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?

Phil: Nothing is the way Phil wants it to be. He thinks he needs to be famous to be happy, but having to live with himself and his pain over and over again, especially by not being able to connect with Rita, in this daily repetitive way challenges him to see what is right in front of him, and choose to become his real self.

Rita: Her belief that life is like 18th century romantic French poetry is challenged by Phil and other men. She believes she has to protect herself to the point of avoiding an intimate relationship but Phil’s need for help challenges her.

7) What are the most profound moments of the movie?

When Phil wakes up and it is Groundhog Day again (the first time).

When Phil realizes he needs help.

When Phil is so demoralized that he repeatedly tries to kill himself.

When Phil is open with Rita about what is happening to him and that he needs help.

When Phil stops using people and starts helping people.

When the old man dies and there is nothing Phil can do about it.

When Phil realizes he loves Rita.

When Phil decides to enjoy his life and become the best version of himself.

When Rita is out of her capacity to help Phil 1) when she thinks he is crazy.

and 2) when she thinks there is truly something seriously wrong before he drives off the cliff with the Groundhog.

When Rita sees Phil’s dead body.

When Rita decides to help Phil in a deeply personal way.

When Rita realizes she misjudged Phil.

When Rita opens herself up to an intimate relationship.

8) What are the most profound lines of the movie?

“I like blood sausage.” Rita

“Watch out for that first step, it’s a doozy!” Ned

“Words from the Title of opening song: “I’ve Got You Babe” Sonny and Cher

“I guess the question we have to ask ourselves today is…does Phil feel lucky?”

“Well what if there is no tomorrow, there wasn’t one today?” Phil to operator

“He’s a rat.” Phil about the groundhog.

Future Drunk in Diner, “Phil, like groundhog Phil? Look out for your shadow there pal!”

“…that was a pretty good day. Why couldn’t I get that day over and over and over?”

“What would you do if you were stuck in one place, and every day was exactly the same, and nothing you did mattered.” Phil

1st drunk takes a drink

2nd drunk, “Sums it up for me.”

“What if there was no tomorrow?” to 2 drunks in car.

Drunk 1 “No tomorrow? That means there’d be no consequences… we could do whatever we wanted.”

“In a minute Larry… and he’s going to try and take you away from me, and you can’t let him. Please believe me you’ve got to believe me.” Phil to Rita

“Maybe it’s not a curse, it depends on your perspective.” Rita

“Words of song “then put your little hand in mine, there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb” “I’ve Got You Babe” Sonny and Cher

9) How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?

All the people that Phil had problems with, he becomes friends with or more. All the things that went wrong that day, he was able to stop except for the old man dying.

10) What is the Profound Truth of this movie?

Happiness is right in front of you. It depends on your perspective. Seize each moment and use it for good. Become your best self, enjoy your life, accept, and love yourself and then you will be able to accept, love, and give freely to other people.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Wonderful morning!

I am Susan McClary.

I’ve written several shorts and a feature length screenplay. I also write and illustrate short stories and am in the midst of a novel.

My hope is the class will take all my writing to a deeper level, and get me really on track to finishing lots of pieces.

I am a total physics freak and have my own theory of everything.

[Susan]

1. Susan McClary

2. The words “I agree to the terms of this release form.”

[Susan]

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Susan]

Hi Michael,
Just checking in… everything OK? How’s your doctorate going?

[Susan]

Good Job Michael.

[Susan]

Interesting complication with the new housekeeper being the lieutenant’s ex-wife.

[Susan]

Very good work for an initial pass Michael! As Hal says don’t expect to have everything come at once. I’m sure you are much farther along by now since I’m behind both of you. You said,
“The small unit survives; the Vampire is defeated and Valentina lives. Katie gets her day off (need to build in a more active want for Katie).”
Maybe the vacation was what Katie thought she wanted at the beginning of the film, but there is a deep subtext need she only fills and recognizes by working with the team in the end, and you can set it up to happen all through the film!

[Susan]

Good work Carole.

[Susan]

Hey Michael,

I wouldn’t mind getting feedback for my posts, as I am behind you 2. Thanks in advance.
Susan

[Susan]

Module 3 may not get put up until someone asks for it. I had to keep doing that for a different class.

[Susan]

Did you contact support? Sometimes they’re so busy they don’t get them up until someone asks for them.

[Susan]

Thank you Danielle.

[Susan]

Hi Michael,

I love this, “blood-thirsty vampire who enjoys playing with his victims before he feeds” that is unusual – cat like. See if you can brainstorm to find someone more unusual for each of the heads of the gangs. It’s great that they are all different from each other and if they are going to have major roles in the screenplay, i’d like to see something that makes each one stand out – something that separates each one from usual gang members. e.g. – Is one missing an eye? Would you know why? How does that effect his behavior within his gang and to other gang bosses, etc.?

[Susan]

Hi Carole,

You wrote:

"• Character: Mandy Ruhe/Carmena Luebber
• Logline: An irresponsible and immature woman who time travels to the past and must assume the responsibilities of a working ranch and its employees.”

In the Logline, what does Mandy want to accomplish?

You wrote:

"• Unique: She is forced to grow up and make crucial decisions that will war with her innate desire to be emotionally satisfied.”

This could be anybody, what makes her different besides the fact that she time travelled backwards? Most people wouldn’t know what they were doing. How is she unusual? What is different about her that winds up making the 2 men suspicious?

You wrote:

"• Character: Carlos Solis

• Logline: He is the ranch manager who loves Carmena but knows she’s not acting like herself and will do what he can to find out her secret.

• Unique: Highly loyal to the ranch, employees, and especially to the real Carmena.”

Can you think of anything he does to test her? He’s an employee, but what makes him different than other employees and what is his motivation? Is he in love with Carmena? Does he have a secret that would make her love him back? Does he believe his family is entitled to part of the farm? What makes his character important to the story? Brainstorm.

You wrote:

"• Character: Captain Charles Sanders

• Logline: The army officer in love with Carmena and must decide the fate of her and the ranch when he discovers she’s stealing guns from the army.

• Unique: Strong sense of obligation and of right and wrong.”

What does Captain Sanders want to happen by the end of the story? How is he different than other officers in the army at that time? Is it life and death? What would happen to Carmena will she be hung? If he doesn’t turn her in will he be hung?

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Hi Michael, It is so nice that part of your vision is to help others! Your concept is good and I think if you changed it around it would be even better (e.g. putting the guards and rival prison gangs first):
Prison guards and rival gangs must work together to defeat a modern-day vampire in their midst.
Or something along those lines. The fact that he purposefully gets himself into prison can be part of your hook.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Hi Carole, I love your vision! I had to work really hard to get my concept down. Part of what i wanted to get in is in my hook. My suggestion is to go back and read what Hal says about high concept for help and to complain to the AI that you are having trouble with the high concept and put in your concept and it may give you ways to cut it down.

[Susan]

Hi Danielle, wonderful scene. I can’t comment on if it checks all the boxes because I don’t remember what they were supposed to be! Good work.

[Susan]

On the right side of the page there is a large blue Reply button. Use that one.

[Susan]

I just checked the the module 2 forum is up now, just scroll down the page to find it.

[Susan]

You can see the assignments in the class itself, so that’s not a problem. I never receive the emails at all. Just go to your classes and go to WIM and go to the assignments. If you can’t move forward make sure you click the Mark Complete button on each assignment until you get to the one you’re up to so you can move on to the next one. I’m sure they’re really busy right now, so it may take a few days to get back to you. i’m pretty sure CS doesn’t work on the weekends.

[Susan]

How long since you contacted support? I haven’t noticed anything except that the forum only has the confidentiality agreement and the intro. I’m not quite up to Module 2. Are we supposed to post something then?

[Susan]

Try contacting support.

[Susan]

Write to Customer Service to make sure you have the correct Forum. I’d like to know what other’s are signed up for because I am signed up for the monthly membership.

[Susan]

Fun Danielle!

[Susan]

Hi Danielle,

This piece is very well done. I’m looking forward to the rewrite, and I’ll give you more feedback then. It’s been a while for the rest of us so it would be helpful if you put the Character Traits and Subtext lines for each Character at the top of the posts so we will be able to evaluate your posts at that level. You are doing really well with these scenes. They are extremely moving.

[Susan]

Hi Danielle,

I liked some changes and in some of the dialogue I like the original better. It was faster and neater. Wait a couple of weeks and then reread both posts and see how you feel. Also read the old and new scene out loud, you’ll see how some of the new dialogue is clunkier and more difficult to say for an actor. Some of the insults remind me of Woody Allen dialogue. Well done!

[Susan]

Hey Danielle,

I love this! It is hysterical, it moves fast and the dialogue is great. I’m looking forward to seeing what you can add to your rewrite!

[Susan]

If you would like input on your class posts, I’d be happy to come back on for you.

[Susan]

Thanks for your feedback Mike!

[Susan]

Hi Christi,

This is the Cycle 6 Revision. Did you mean to post the Cycle 5 Revision here?

I posted feedback for Cycle 6 on the Lesson 28 Forum.

[Susan]

Thank you for your feedback Mike, I really appreciate it. Funny thing is I haven’t even seen the 4th season of Stranger Things yet. I had rented it from the library but when it came it was totally crushed. I just asked them to buy it again. I love that show. I don’t have Netflix. I looked up the script though and I saw what you were talking about with the Appendix. They had the Russian Cyrillic, but no transliteration which I feel is more important for the actors than the Russian alphabet itself. I haven’t been feeling great. This version of Covid really stunk! I’m better now, but there have been some after effects like exhaustion (but no animations or simulations 😜). I’ll get to your feed back soon. Promise!

[Susan]

Hi Mike,

Just something to think about here. I don’t see Marcus rebutting/defending any “charges” like an apologist would. Maybe just scrap apologetic for the rewrite and stick in the trait that you want him to embody! 😉

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Thanks for your feedback Mike. I appreciate it.

I could do Wednesday the 10th or Sunday the 14th.

I feel like both of you have more outside commitments than

I do, so how much time you can each spare is important.

[Susan]

Thanks Christi,

Looking forward to when you post yours. I’ll be working on my rewrite tomorrow after listening to Hal’s videos. I read your response to Mike. January 11th at 7 pm MT would be OK with me. It might be a bit early for Mike (only 6pm if he has to get back from work). I don’t like google at all and try to stay off any and all of their apps. It’s easy to get a Zoom account, all you have to do is go to Zoom.com and make a free account. I think free account meetings are limited to an about hour-ish (but maybe I’m wrong they may have raised the time limit by now). Anyway I could set up the meeting and send you and Mike a link for it. I’ve never had to do it before, but it can’t be that difficult.

[Susan]

My email is sedona_sue@yahoo.com . I thought there used to be a way to contact other members on here, but I don’t see it anymore.

[Susan]

Hi Mike,

Really good! I love that final twist at the end… Brandy dropped the book and it winds up in their favor! I’d love to see what you did for Lesson 22. I always learn so much reading your work.

Christi mentioned possibly creating some kind of writers group. Would you be interested?

[Susan]

Hey Christi,

I see what you did here. It’s great!

[Susan]

Hi Christi,

Great! I would love to see your new logline and brainstorming. 😃 Did you find any helpful books at the library?

[Susan]

Thanks Mike. I also see it from an actor’s point of view, and what I would be doing in a scene, what I would want, what I would want from other characters in particular, and how much of that I can get from a script and how much of it I’d have to make up.

[Susan]

OK, thanks Mike. In the instructions for Lesson 20, Hal kept saying how the character traits interacting CREATE subtext, and he wanted us to include it in the assignment. So I guess it is the additional subtext related to whatever character traits are interacting between the 2 characters at the moment in any given scene. What they want or need due to their trait/s bumping up against what the other character wants/needs due to their traits.

[Susan]

Yes! I did write them several days ago when I first read the assignment, but there was no response.

[Susan]

Thanks Mike. That is like the global subtext in the prompts Hal gave us. What I am missing here is how to actually CREATE the subtext from the bouncing off of the character traits. So is that just what each character winds up wanting/needing because of how the other one is behaving with their trait/s in the moment? Or is it something else?

[Susan]

Hi Christi,

Thanks for your response, however that would only happen when you are doing a reveal. Subtext is very important all the time for characters in scenes. The characters must want something for some reason during the scene, and a lot of that is invisible, or mostly invisible. That is the subtext. I still do not see exactly how the character traits bumping up against each other are CREATING subtext, which is what Hal was talking about here. Is it just the underlying feelings, new goals each character has at that time of bumping up against the other’s character traits? There appear to be a lot more definitions of subtext. I want to know how to CREATE it FROM the character trait interplay.

[Susan]

I think you did a good job. So with the subtext, I have been having a problem understanding exactly what Hal is talking about here, and what he wants. Hal puts global subtext in the scenes that he gives us prompts for that don’t appear to come out of the character trait prompts given between those characters. So here what do you believe Hal is looking for? Is it just the outcome of any desire/goal/issue that comes out of the two characters traits coming up against each other (either for help or hindrance)? Please if you’ve got what it is… please share! Thanks.

[Susan]

Wow! Christi, you really improved this since the last time you posted it.

[Susan]

Are you talking about the upcoming skills audio?

[Susan]

I’m also on Mountain time in AZ.

[Susan]

What video?

[Susan]

If all you want are new words you can go on WordHippo Thesaurus, but the point is to make the scene more dramatic so brainstorm what type of character traits would elevate the drama of the each of the character interactions and see what would happen. So just as an example, say you changed the intelligent trait in Anne to OCD/hyperesthesia (now I’m now sure if you could call this a character trait or not) and she is like the detective character Monk. How would that change her interactions with Harry who is Passionate, Aggressive and Charming? They would change enormously. Anyway, go back over all your characters and brainstorm what trait changes would dramatically heighten their interactions and see what you get that works with your story, because it has to work with your story.

[Susan]

Thanks for your response Christi. I think that’s one form of subtext, and I usually think of subtext as a true goal of the person underneath everything else, not just something they are hiding, but something they really want and need and/or are striving for. What was it Hal asked us for previously, for subtext early on? E.G. in Lesson 5 we had:

CHARACTERS

Robert
Traits – Smooth – Secretive – Gregarious – Low Self-esteem
Subtext: Robert loves creating gossip about other people and watching it take them down.

Trent
Traits – Conspiring – Aggressive – Meticulous – Needy
Subtext: Trent pretends he is wealthy to get people to do the things he wants — at their expense.

I’m not sure how the above traits are creating each of those subtexts? How do you get from the traits clashing (or other) to CREATE the subtext. I do not understand the process. I would like further instructions. I emailed support. I hope there is a response, because I want to actually have an example of how it is done. Like in the above example, how are any of the traits of Robert or Trent clashing creating their subtext? Their subtext here appears to be global, not individual. Anyway, I would just like a 1,2,3,4 = subtext. 🤪

[Susan]

Hi Christi,

Did you ever get a response about using the things we wrote?

Thanks,

Susan

[Susan]

Hi Christi,

I don’t think I mentioned Renee forgetting Josie’s name, I did figure you used that name because of Josie and the Pussycats, but didn’t quite get that, that was why Renee didn’t want to say her name, maybe if she hummed the tune from the series whenever she saw her? A lot of the notes were about the way the action was written (NOT direct, and NOT in present tense, too meandering). I think of devious as underhanded and just hiding Maxime doesn’t quite get there (maybe she stole Maxime from an abuser). Maybe the board also received threats (that may be going way to far), but you see what I mean. And the conformist… I noticed the furniture thing and the colors, but it was only one thing. Hal wanted us to get the traits moving through the entire piece as much as possible. What else about Renee is conformist? To me conformist clashes badly with devious, which is why I got rid of it immediately! So how can Renee be devious and conformist at the same time? I made sure I didn’t have to deal with that one! Or you could change conformist to something else because Maxime being a cat is not really a personality trait and Hal never specified that the characters had to be people. What if Renee lost conformist and SHE added feline. Her interactions with the neighbors, the board, Max, and everything she touched (or rubbed with her face), and sniffed would be hysterical (the way she fixed her hair with the back of her hand) – sort of cat-womanish. Anyway I’m just throwing out ideas because I’m really not sure where you could go here. As I see it, you don’t have enough time in one small scene without any history to flesh out whatever issues caused/is causing Renee to be both devious and a conformist. Also you imply that Max is a rescue with the title of the scene (Forever Home) but we don’t see it anywhere else. Maybe she talks to Max about how she has a lot of room to roam around now because she’s not in a cage anymore. And, instead of the decorating magazines Renee has a large stack of flyers for an animal rights group that she secretly puts out, and/or we see her black attack outfit and mask hanging in the closet when she opens it to put her coat away, because she’s secretly part of a group that frees animals from drug testers, maybe someone from the drug/comestics company sits on the board of her apartment building, etc., and that’s when she stole Max! Maybe she just pretends to be conformist to hide her secret calling? That would be devious.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Hi Mike,

Thanks for your notes and encouragement. 😀

[Susan]

I forgot and posted feedback here, then moved it to 19. 😜

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Hi Christi,

Unfortunately I don’t have all day to write, but I probably have more time than you do! I hope you get your house – you never know what will happen in the future. Things may get worse, but then they will get better. They will have to. 🙏😉

Oh yes, I’ve had trouble watching movies BEFORE taking this course (Good TV series are so much better now)! So many films really stink, it’s unbelievable. I often rent old ones from the library or watch old ones on Amazon. I also like a lot of the French and Italian films and TV series. I try and watch comedies, spy and detective shows (I like to watch stuff to forget about what’s happening – not put me in the middle of it). I particularly like “Balthazar.” Have you seen it? It’s great. You’d probably really like it because I believe you write mysteries. He’s a clown genius forensic pathologist who is always the one who makes sure the police solve the crimes. He has some deep wounds. The show also has a mystical steak to it.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Anita, where are you?

[Susan]

I am wondering the same thing. I was going to post her today. Where are you Danielle? And what about Anita? We’re missing her too.

[Susan]

Hi Mike, I’m going to wait until you post your revision for feedback.

[Susan]

Hi Christi, I’m going to wait until you post your revision for feedback.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Hi Christie,

Thanks so much for the detailed response. I had already posted a revision to 18 and had already made a few changes there so you will see them when you read it. I’ve never been crazy about Sue, I like Suzie, but I just turned 69 yesterday (it sucks having your birthday on Thanksgiving every few years), and that is a bit young for me now. My brothers still call me that though. ☺ And you can call me that if you want. The system will automatically change the z to an s though. The z is the way my grandmother spelled it and I’ve always kept it that way. She was my favorite person growing up.

“The logline doesn’t need to have the ages in them, the action line does. When describing a scene, the more you help the reader see what you want them to, the better.”

I added that to my REV in Forum 18 after I read this.

” 3- Sandra’s dialogue- She didn’t see who it was but thinks it was? A bit confusing.”

I thought so too, and I hope I fixed it.

“Are you sure you want them 15? Unless they’re on aderall or something, the extreme violence from a 15 year old seems very out of place.”

I guess you haven’t been reading some of the US news (why bother in CA), but there have been multiple stories about even 8 and 11 yo’s murdering other classmates. It’s vile!

“The traits that stand out are Maxine’s emotional wounds and paranoia. I didn’t really get her snobbish and tricky, although an argument can be made for her being tricky by avoiding the traps of Renee.”

OK, I worked on getting snobbish in with what she orders, the way she speaks and certain words she uses instead of others, how she questions Renee about how much she is going to eat, clearing her throat before she orders, the way she leaves the cafe at the end holding her head high. I had also already added a more snobby thing she might do instead of race before reading this. The tricky and how she plots is in the way she set up Renee to arrested (and for good reason too). Also in how she talks about the wheels of her bike feeling off, and her suspicion that Renee messed with them is confirmed when Renee hides behind the menu.

“Renee showed her deviousness very well, the prissy nature with the ordering- I actually read that as rich. What 15 yr old acts like that at a restaurant when they have to watch their wallet as well as their calories?”

You’re right I see them both as wealthy and Renee as prissy. I had already added my definition for prissy in Forum 18. It should come out elsewhere as well. Please let me know if you don’t see it.

“Violent was clear and outgoing seemed a bit of a stretch. I’m unsure if this was shown directly.”

Renee actually told someone what she did, and she boasts about how much she is eating to the entire restaurant. I had already made that clearer in Forum 18 REV post. She jumps in to order first before Maxine can speak. Also, I feel like her outgoingness is actually pushing part of her violent nature, but maybe that’s not clear.

“The subtext was crystal clear for Renee while Maxine seemed more like a victim that won without work when the police officer took Renee away.”

Maxine told the police what Renee did (although she didn’t know how badly Jocelyn was hurt until Sanda told them), and where to find her which is one of the reasons why she becomes more and more upset as Renee threatens her.

“I hate doing notes when they’re not in person. I always feel like they seem so mean. I’m really just trying to be helpful and I hope you read them as that. As I said before, you do have a talent for writing women. I look forward to the polished draft!”

Please don’t worry about it at all! This is exactly what we’re supposed to be doing! Thank you so much for all the work you put into this. 👍

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Thank you for all your encouraging feedback Mike.

[Susan]

Thanks Christi.

[Susan]

Hi Christi, I’ll get to your feedback soon. I’ve been feeling really ill the past few days.

[Susan]

I’m glad you didn’t mind. I thought we should be going into more detail by now and it was good practice for me too. I made some changes to my revision, but anything you see at all that could use a boost, please let me know. Thanks.

[Susan]

I think we should do as much as we can to elevate these scenes. If we were working as paid screenwriters on projects the work would not belong to us, and our scripts don’t belong to us once we sell them either. Think of it as… the better writing – the elevation being your pay, because doing it better than so many others will get you work. I know I said I didn’t want to make a screenplay out of the 1st Cycle assignment, but elevating that scene and each scene we’re assigned, and then elevating it even more is important. It is the only real way for us to get better at it.

[Susan]

Thank you Mike.

[Susan]

Thanks Christi. I’m on a Mac as well and recently had 2 updates to the system software. I don’t know if that is the problem, if the servers get bogged down, or if the browsers (which have all installed more safeguards recently due to computer malware) are the issue. 🙃

[Susan]

Very Indiana Jones!

It might be interesting if when she opens the case Nancy actually puts the crown on her head which would give the Silverback the idea to do it. It would ruin the 2nd part or her next to last line though, but I’m sure with your talent you can come up with something much better.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

Exciting!

[Susan]

I think the servers were down. After a little after 11 am PT I couldn’t get on the classes site at all! I tried 4 different browsers.

[Susan]

Thanks Mike great ideas. Yeah, I could add some lines for John like… “So many doors to go in and out of…”. And the thing with the spider I’d realized earlier that I didn’t really make myself clear with the poisonous thing, but I didn’t want to go back and change it at that point. It really should be John wanting assistance – if the spider is poisonous, he could be his partner (his scecret weapon) – so that line needs clarity. Nick’s manipulation of John down into his lair is because he knows John wants the information, so he is just leading him to him doom. He is using John against himself. “really enhance it into the spoof category, more over-the-top actions, or
subtle mishandling of objects, or accidental harm could really bring
that out” is also another great suggestion. As a matter of fact if I get the chance (with everything else) I will put this stuff in and repost. Thanks again. Great feedback.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: idea to remember

[Susan]

Oy! And today the 1st post is there! Technology…. Anyway it’s a comedy, a spoof on James Bond, so think of it like Austin Powers, or Mel Brooks, or Monty Python. The hero and the villain are both over the top for the genre. I did not put in physical character descriptions because I was giving the director/producers leeway on the characters/time, and without the rest of the story in this case it is probably moot. The rest of the story would most likely decide that. I would be interested to know which part of the scene you are saying is the short cat and mouse part, because to me it begins when Nick makes John wait and ends when John shoots out of there. So which part do you find to be the cat and mouse and why not the rest? Yes, John was there to rescue the other agent, and the information John was looking for was to find out just what Nick was up to, which he did when he saw all the robots and Nick told him he was going to replace humanity with them. Could you please tell me what is confusing about this? It would help me in the future. Thanks!

[Susan]

Wow, I replied on one browser and when I opened this in another the response did not show up. Wonder what is going on? Anyway… thank you so much for taking the time to give your feedback.

[Susan]

Hi Christi, Thanks for taking the time to give your feedback!

[Susan]

OK, then why was the stash for them, because they would distribute it? In any case that line was just confusing for me, but otherwise great job!

[Susan]

Wow. Looking forward to your rewrite!

[Susan]

Hi Mike,

The rewrite appears to be exactly the same as the original. Did you post the wrong one?

[Susan]

Hi Christi, It’s in the 2nd part of Lesson 9. Mark the first part complete so you can get to the 2nd. Marked: Lesson 9: QE Cycle 2 Critique Scene

[Susan]

Thanks for your feedback. Skyler’s words and actions inform both Trent and Robert’s character traits. Since this is an exercise and there are more exercises to do now, I won’t be doing anything else with it. In my mind, I did see it as sort of culmination of issues between the 3 of them – Skyler and Trent, and Trent and Robert. And yes, if I was going to do something Skyler would leave Trent. Definitely won’t ever do anything with it though, as Hal said in the audio that all of the exercises he prompts belong to him!

😉

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu. Reason: spelling
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Susan McClaryu.

[Susan]

That’s a good idea, I’m going to do that too! 😄

[Susan]

Thanks Christi. I believe it will be feature length. I haven’t seen toc toc.

[Susan]

Have you tried the continue button on the upper left of the course page? If you go to your courses, go to Profound Screenplay and click on it. Then on the upper left there is a CONTINUE button, try that. I don’t know if it will work, but having a programming background this is a guess. Good luck.

[Susan]

Hi Teresita, I’m not getting emails at all. Go over to your courses and go to any Days you are missing. The assignments are listed there.

[Susan]

Read the Profound Map for the Matrix, and watch Groundhog Day and do this assignment.

[Susan]

Thanks for making me laugh this morning!