Rick Whitney
Forum Replies Created
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R Whitney
What I learned: I learned how important brevity is when doing a phone pitch and how well received this format is.
1. Tell us which of the four strategies you are going to use to open your pitch:
- Lead with credibility. Hi, I’m Rick Whitney and I have multiple quarter final scripts with the PAGE Awards Contest.
- Lead with a great title. I have a dark comedy called “Apricot Cyanide”.
- Lead with a strong business hook. It’s a contained setting mainly set at a farm house.
- Lead with a High Concept. What would you do if you found out your parents were poisoning homeless people and burying them on the family farm?
2. Give us your script for phone call pitches, like I did above.
Hi, I’m Rick Whitney and I’d like to pitch a script I think your company might like. OKAY. It’s a dark comedy titled “Apricot Cyanide”. It deals with a woman that discovers her parents have been poisoning homeless people and burying them on the family farm.
3. Give us a one or two sentence answer to the questions a producer may ask:
- What’s the budget range? 1-5 million
- Who do you see in the main roles? Felica Day
- How many pages is the script? 96 pages
- Who else has seen this? You are the first.
- Why do you think this fits our company? I saw xxxx and it was such a good contained movie I felt my script would be up your ally.
- How does the movie end? Their plan to keep her patents out for jail works with a few bumps along the way.
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R Whitney
What I have learned: I too have been given the advice of try to cram as much in during a Pitch Fest and although I’ve not been apart of one, this format would be a pleasant relief to some of those long boring pitches.
1. Tell us your credibility. Rick has reached the quarter finals several time in the PAGE Awards contest.
2. Tell us your genre and title. Dark Comedy called Apricot Cyanide
3. What is your one or two sentence hook? What would you do if you found out your parents were poisoning homeless people and burying them in the family orchard?
4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:
- What is the budget range? This would be a low-budget film taking place mainly at the farm.
- What actors do you like for the lead roles? I think Felica Day would be excellent for the role.
- Give me the acts of the story. Act 1: Jenny discovers her parent are poisoning homeless people. Act 2: She and her fiancé hatch a plan to keep her parent from the long arm of the law. Act 3: The police do get involved and she has to dodge them and not have her parents incriminate themselves do make the plan work.
- How does it end? (setup / payoff). The plan does work.
- Credibility questions What have you done? I’ll be honest, although I have written 22 scripts, I have yet to have one optioned. It’s my plan that after I have taken classes with Hal Croasmun, I can develop these scripts into producible commodities.
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R Whitney Query Letter
What I learned: This has given me the format to which I can present effective Query Letters
Genre: Dark Comedy
Title: Apricot Cyanide
What would happen if you discovered your parents were poisoning homeless people and burying them on the family farm?
While on her trip to break the good new she was getting married, Jenny Wolfe discovers her parents have poisoned over 50 homeless people believing it’s their civic duty and buried them on the family orchard.
As she struggles to figure out what is the best course, she tells her fiancé, Jim of what has happen and they hatch a plan to keep her nutty parents from going to jail.
The plan becomes complicated when the local police get involved and her parents don’t seem to feel poisoning homeless people is wrong.
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R Whitney
What I learned: Is how to find the most abbreviated high concept point in my script.
1. To find your main hook, give us what is most unique about your lead character’s journey from a big picture perspective. I like to use “What would you do if you found out your parents were poisoning homeless people and burying them out on the family farm?”
2. How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible?
- Dilemma: A woman is torn between reporting murders committed by her parents and not wanting them sent to jail.
- Main Conflict: How does a woman convince her parents that poisoning homeless people is not their civic duty.
- What’s at stake?: A woman tries hard to keep her parents out of jail after they poison many homeless people.
- Goal/Unique Opposition: Can a woman convince her crazy parents not to poison anymore homeless people?
3. Using the 10 Components of Marketability, what is your Elevator Pitch?
I’m pitching a script as a modern version of “Arsenic and Old Lace”.
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R Whitney
Title: Apricot Cyanide
Written by: R.H. Whitney
The good news is your fiancé will get the chance to meet your parents. The bad news is you find out your farm parents have been poisoning homeless people and burying them in the orchard.
Before meeting her parents, Jenny informs her fiancé Jim that her parents are odd. When she arrives at the farmhouse ahead of Jim, she discovers her parents have been poisoning homeless people and burying them in their orchard all in the cause of being their civic duty.
She also finds out her ex-con brother Louis, has been pimping and he has been brining his murdered whores to the farm for burial along with her insane cousin’s murder of her boyfriends.
Given the decision of either turning them in and facing jail time or trying to convince them it’s wrong, she confides in Jim and they hatch a plan to convince her parents to retire in town and sell the farm.
Their plan goes into process when the Police show up looking for her cousin who had escaped from the mental hospital.
With the Police there, her cousin informs them about all the bodies. Able to convince the police she’s crazy, they proceed with their plan. It looks like the plan works, or does it?
What I learned: This is like reading or watching the highlights of sports game. The highlights show scoring plays, plays that turn the game, and moments of decisions.
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R Whitney
1. Go through your project and see which of these specific hooks you have:
- A. What is most unique about your villain and hero? My villain(s) are sweet orchard farmers. My hero is a loving daughter who doesn’t want to see her misguided parent go to jail.
- B. Major hook of your opening scene? Our hero tells her fiancé that before he meets her parents that he needs to be prepared for a couple of screwballs.
- C. Any turning points? Our hero discovers her parents a poisoning homeless people. Her loving fiancé decides to help her with a plan to keep them from prison.
- D. Emotional dilemma? Whether to try to hide her parents deeds or go to the police.
- E. Major twists? Our hero finds out her cousin is staying with them and that the cousin is an escaped lunatic murder. She also finds out her ex-con brother now pimps and brings his murdered whores to bury in the orchard.
- F. Reversals?
- G. Character betrayals? Our hero’s lunatic cousin tells the police that her Uncle and Aunt are murders.
- H. Or any big surprises? The number of poisoned homeless exceeds 70.
2. Make a list of any other things in your script that could interest a producer. Majority of the script takes place at our hero’s parents farm house.
3. Organize both and select the 10 most interesting things. Post those to the forums.
4. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and post it at the top of your work.
I learned how to glean out the significant interest points of the story.
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R Whitney
To a Producer. Keeping in mind they make the projects: I would present myself as listening to what their ideas are, understand that there are 100’s of ways to write a scene or act that keeps the stories theme, and ready to take notes. I would pitch the script on its highlights for example in “Apricot Cyanide”, I would simply say “What would you do if you found out your eccentric parents were poisoning homeless people as part of their civic duty and burying them in the yard?” This hits home and gives an instant visual each person can see.
To a Manager. Keeping in mind they are looking to develop writers that are marketable: Using the same skill set as for a producer, quite possibly show more of the skill of being able to write different ways to achieve a more marketable product.
I learned that although very similar, Producers are focused on a single project where as a manager is focused on the writer to create multiple marketable scripts.
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R Whitney
Logline: A Woman discovers her eccentric parents are poisoning homeless people and that they believe they are doing so as their civic duty.
- A. Unique. Somewhat unique in the number of murders committed.
- B. Great Title: Apricot Nectar or Apricot Cyanide.
- C. True. N/A
- D. Timely — connected to some major trend or event. N/A
- E. It’s a first. N/A
- F. Ultimate. N/A
- G. Wide audience appeal. Appeal to any one with nutty parents
- H. Adapted from a popular book. In the vein of Arsenic and Old Lace.
- I. Similarity to a box-office success. N/A
- J. A great role for a bankable actor. Felica Day with her mumbling to herself style.
Have the brother in the story also be a murderer and brings dead bodies to the yard to be buried.
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I, Rick Whitney, agree to the terms of the release.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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1. Name? Rick Whitney
2. How many scripts you’ve written? 22
3. What you hope to get out of the class? Direction on how to market scripts.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I hold a 4th degree black belt in Karate.
We look forward to working with you all!
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Genre: Dark Comedy
Title: Apricot Nectar
Concept: Made in the vein of “Arsenic and Old Lace”, what would a normal person do if they discover their parents were poisoning homeless people and burying them in the back yard?
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R Whitney Lesson 8
What I learned:
A. What is their Character Profile?
Role: Leader
Traits: Brilliant, resourceful
Fears: The eventual spread of these monster’s, annihilation
Wants/Needs : to be listened to and believed,
Likability / Rooting factors: loves her pets, loves her research
How they react under stress: action using cool intelligence and intellect
Relationship with other characters: distant
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: loner, works alone on research
Denial: the monster couldn’t survive freezing
Their reaction at first horror: numb, this can’t be happening
Relation to group after first horror: learns to work closer with others
How they fight back: knowledge of the monster and it’s weaknesses
End Point: Monsters killed but unnoticed eggs are not destroyed
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? How the dangers of our own world environment can be altered into a dreadful apocalypse.
2. Build those Character Journeys into your outline.
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R. Whitney Lesson 6
What I learned is to focus more reason into the deaths we see and not go too over the top and have masses of character deaths for no reason
Character Death 1:
Why: To show there is a danger with these creatures
How: Unseen attack (only heard) in a dark jungle
Character Death 2:
Why: To show the danger has been moved from the jungle to the lab
How: Unseen attack in lab (only screams heard)
Character Death 3:
Why: To show how the danger is on the loose and to show how these creatures attack plus it gives a first view of a weakness on how to kill these things
How: the creature hangs from the roof edge and grabs its victim.
Character Death 4:
Why: To show how indiscriminate the creatures are and how bullets are ineffective except when focused on it’s weak spot.
How: the creature uses its green color to blend as it hangs from a tree and grabs its victim.
Character Death 5:
Why: To show how even our main character can be subject to the wrath of the creature
How: the creature attacks while our hero is setting up traps.
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R Whitney Lesson 5
What I learned:
Act 1
Atmosphere of Evil established:
Horror Situation: The African expedition is attacked but we only hear screams. All are torn to shreds.
Reaction – Denial: Explained as wild animal attack
Horror Situation: Opening of package from Africa expedition
Connect with the characters: The lead scientist opens a package from the African expedition.
<strong style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Horror – face of monster : The package contains large Mantis exoskeleton shells and Mantis eggs
Safety taken away: Eggs are alive
Horror Situation: Eggs hatch and kill first person while in lab
Reaction – fight and scream
Horror Situation: Baby Mantis escape out of the lab
Reaction – try to solve:
Monster: Giant Mantis on the prowl
Horror Situation: Impending doom
Reaction: try to solve
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Returns home
Horror Situation: Sees Neighbor attacked by 4 foot Mantis
Reaction: Tries to help but neighbor is killed slowly
Horror Situation: Scientist trapped in house by 4 foot mantis
Reaction: Escape
Horror Situation: Scientist caught by Mantis while escaping
Reaction: Fight
Character Death: Scientist hurt but is able to escape
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R Whitney Horror Plot Track
What I learned doing this assignment is: Elements of my structure were either out of place or missing.
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established: The jungle discovery team is killed by the menace<div>
Connect with the characters: Main character works in a lab and she keep pets. She talks to them.
The characters are warned not to do it. Main character is warned not to open the sealed container with the Mantis eggs unless with major controls in place.
Denial of Horror: Opens container anyway.
Safety taken away: The eggs, thought to have died during shipping survive.
Monster: The nature of the beast. The scientist discovers how this new species has evolved a carapace that can allow the Mantis to grow large.
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: The eggs hatch without knowledge and a maintenance man performing his usual cleaning in the lab is attacked and eaten.
One of us killed: The maintenance man.
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
Full pursuit by the killer: Main character returns home where she observes her neighbor attacked by the 5 foot Mantis.
Terrorized: She becomes trapped in her house where a hungry Mantis pursues her.
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death: The Mantis’s have escaped into the wilds and now are free to breed.
Hysteria: Mantis attacks increase. The town is threatened. A plan is developed to kill the hungry menace.
The thrilling escape from death: While placing traps to kill the Mantis’s, the scientist is attached and rescued by our hero only for the hero to be killed by the Mantis.
Death returns to take one or more. Militia deployed are attacked
Resolution: The traps work to kill the Mantis’s but did the Mantis leave eggs?
</div>
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R Whitney Lesson 26
Logline: An engages couple confront each other over misgivings each are having.
Essence: Love triumphs.
Scene:
EXT. OPEN AIR CAFE – BEAUTIFUL FALL DAY
CARLEY – woman late 20’s – nice looking – slender – stylish business outfit
MARCUS – man late 20’s – hansom – slender – stylish business suit
Carley and Marcus move to sit at a nice little French open air cafe table. The waiter seats them and sets the menu on the table.
MARCUS
We’ll have two martini’s please. Shaken, not stirred.
The waiter acknowledges and leaves.
MARCUS
Isn’t this a lovely fall day.
Carley crosses her arms.
CARLEY
I don’t mean to be forward but who is she?
MARCUS
(perplexed)
Who is who?
CARLEY
Don’t try to deny it.
MARCUS
Could you elaborate so I know what not to deny.
CARLEY
Like you don’t know.
MARCUS
Perhaps you could let me in on it?
CARLEY
And I thought I could trust you.
The martini’s arrive. They remain quiet as the waiter sets their drinks down.
MARCUS
You’re going to need to enlighten me so I can understand what you’re upset about.
CARLEY
That woman you were seen kissing in your office last Monday and don’t deny it. Susan saw you two and told me about it.
Marcus smiles then chuckles.
MARCUS
Is that what this is all about?
CARLEY
I’m waiting for your explanation and it better be a good one.
MARCUS
(stirs his drink)
That was Gloria. We were college friends and we dated for a while. We hadn’t seen each other for nearly 10 years.
CARLEY
That was some kiss for an old friend.
MARCUS
We had a thing going back then and I guess we needed to see if there was any spark still left.
CARLEY
And what did you determine might I ask?
MARCUS
I determined you are the one I love. You are the one I plan to marry.
CARLEY
Then there is nothing between you?
MARCUS
Of course not. I’m sorry you misunderstood. You shouldn’t have jumped to such a conclusion.
Carley uncrosses her arms and picks up her drink.
CARLEY
Maybe you’re right. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions but you know how much I care about you.
The waiter returns.
WAITER
Can I take your order?
CARLEY
I’d like the es car go, please.
MARCUS
Make it two.
The waiter nods and takes the menu.
MARCUS
Which brings me to my question. Who was that man I saw you hugging the other day out in front of your condo?
CARLEY
Uuhhh. When was this?
MARCUS
It was the evening we went out to dinner to Tony’s.
CARLEY
Oh, that evening.
Carley stirs her martini and eats the olive.
CARLEY
These martini’s are really good today.
She drinks hers up.
MARCUS
I don’t mean to be inquisitive but I feel I have a right to know who might be hording in on my fiancé.
CARLEY
You saw that?
MARCUS
Sure did. Quite an embrace if I say so myself.
She chuckles.
CARLEY
It was my auto mechanic. He came all the way out to my apartment to fix my dead car.
MARCUS
That must be some service.
CARLEY
I was so appreciative he stopped by to help me. It was the battery.
MARCUS
Does your mechanic always wear a suit to work on a car?
Carley holds up her glass to get the waiters attention for a refill.
CARLEY
He was … was on his way to a wedding and he made a stop just for me.
The waiter stops by and pour her another martini.
CARLEY
(to the waiter)
Thank you.
(she takes the olive out)
He’s a friend like Gloria.
She slugs the drink down.
MARCUS
I’d like to get to know this mechanic. Could be he can do work on my car. His name?
CARLEY
Harold. His name is Harold. Ah, he’s leaving to join the Army.
MARCUS
You must think I’m pretty dense if you think I’m buying your story.
Carley looks down and takes a breath.
CARLEY
Okay, he’s my brother. I hadn’t seen him for sometime.
MARCUS
Brother? I didn’t know you had a brother.
CARLEY
Step brother. We never got along very well and he wanted to try and fix things.
MARCUS
Did he accomplish his mission?
CARLEY
Not at all. We just never hit it off but it didn’t mean we couldn’t be friendly. For our folks sake.
They look at each other across the table.
MARCUS
It seems like it’s nothing more than a huge misunderstanding.
CARLEY
It is. It really is.
They both stand up and go into each others arms. They kiss.
People in the Cafe applaud.
They smile and hug. While they hug and without each other seeing, Marcus breaths a sigh of relief as Carley rolls her eyes.
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R Whitney Character
What I learned doing this assignment is: How the characters are to interact as they solve the problem.
Concept and the Group: Professionals, scientist, police, military
Dying Pattern: Innocent, rescuer, love interest, carrier
Carrier: a scientist that unknowingly spreads the insect into a populated area
Innocent: Population and militia ordered to surround and destroy menace
Rescuer: policeman saves scientist
Love interest: Policeman’s love interest in scientist but is killed by menace
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R Whitney Terrifying Monster
Tell us what or who your monster is. It’s a 5 foot Praying Mantis (many)
Give us a few sentences for each of the following for your monster:
Their Terror: Praying Mantis catch their prey with fast powerful front legs and SLOWLY nibble and tear their prey apart with mandibles and also drinking their blood
Their Mystery: Praying Mantis’s hang upside down and snatches it’s prey off it’s feet.
<font face=”inherit”>Their Fear Provoking Appearance: These green </font>triangle<font face=”inherit”> </font>shaded<font face=”inherit”> heads have empty green bug eyes.</font>
Their Rules: They will eat any and everything living. They hunt, eat, and hunt more.
Their Mythology: Perhaps they evolve due to climate change?
What I learned doing this assignment is how to create a good solid monster
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Movie: THEM! (1954)
Title / Concept: THEM! refers to mutated ants that develop from residual nuclear testing.
Terrorize The Characters: Giant ants with huge pinchers and a stinger that become carnivorous
Isolation: Ants like dark tunnels so to find them requires entering dark tunnels
Death: Crush by pinchers and stung with stinger then eaten
Monster/Villain: Giant 9′ Ants
High Tension: They are breeding and could take over the world
Departure from Reality: Ants are composed of an exoskeleton of chitin. The size and weight of the ants would cause the chitin to easily collapse. (i.e. if you build a bridge using way to large of steel supports, the bridge would collapse under its own weight.)
Moral Statement: What are the consequences of nuclear bomb testing on our own world.
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Rick Whitney
I, Rick Whitney, agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
+1
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For Karin;
The characters seem to have their characteristics. They are a nasty bunch.
I like this scene. It’s a real classic. Betrayal, mystery, surprise, reveal, secret. I think that twist with the recording was justice satisfied. I think most people like that kind of feel like in “Shawshank” and “Green Mile”.
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Logline: Two people are caught up in an affair and murder
Essence: Two people expose their inner feelings as they confess.
Scene:
INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT – NIGHT
PHILLIP – Sophisticated man late 40’s – tall – slender – slight gray mix with his black hair – expensive suit
BRANDY – Wealthy woman late 30’s – petite – perfect brown hair – expensive dress and mink coat.
FLARETY – Man around 50 – tall – heavy set – bald – wears plain suit
A uniformed Policeman escorts Brandy into a room where Officer Flarety sits as he fills out forms at a table.
FLARETY
Come in Mrs. Wellington and have a seat.
She resists the invitation.
BRANDY
I demand to know what this is all about. Your ape here tells me you’re bringing me in for questioning. Questioning for what?
FLARETY
Sit down Mrs. Wellington and I’ll explain.
She relents and sits.
FLARETY
Mrs. Wellington, ah, I don’t know how to tell you this but we discovered your husbands body inside your beach front house about five hours ago. He had been shot several times.
Brandy looks shocked.
FLARETY
He was shot with a .38 Revolver found at the scene. We’re running ballistics to affirm it was the murder weapon but we have little doubt it was.
Brandy still in shock.
BRANDY
I can’t believe it.
FLARETY
Can you tell us your whereabouts at around 10:00 this evening?
BRANDY
I was…was giving a party. I had lots of people from the Country Club there.
FLARETY
And your husband wasn’t there?
BRANDY
No, ah he had some business to attend to.
Phillip bolts into the room.
PHILLIP
Excuse me for barging in but what is this about Henry?
BRANDY
(she stands up)
He’s been murdered.
She falls into Phillips arms as see sobs.
PHILLIP
You can’t suspect Brandy. She was with me at the party all evening. She gave me the party as sort of a tribute to my success.
FLARETY
Do you own a gun?
Phillips pauses as Brandy sits back down and dries her tears.
PHILLIP
Well, ah yes. I haven’t seen it for sometime. I’m not sure where it is.
FLARETY
We found a .38 revolver at the murder scene with serial numbers registered to you.
PHILLIP
That’s not possible. You must be mistaken.
He pauses.
PHILLIP
Come with me to my home. We can search the place together. I’m sure we’ll find.
FLARETY
Is it true you and Mrs. Wellington have been involved in an affair for some time?
PHILLIP
Of course not. Brandy and I are old friends. Nothing more.
Flarety rises from his chair as another officer enters the room and hand Flarety a report.
FLARETY
Mr. Phillip Denson, I’m arresting you for the murder of Henry Wellington. This is our ballistics report identifying your gun as the murder weapon. No fingerprints. No surprise there.
The officer in the room puts handcuffs on Phillip.
PHILLIP
I was at the party all evening. Tell them Brandy.
She thinks.
BRANDY
Didn’t you leave early?
FLARETY
What time was that?
BRANDY
It was around 10:00 wasn’t it? You were pretty drunk.
PHILLIP
I don’t know what your talking about. I was there the whole time. Ask anyone else.
They start to take him out of the room.
PHILLIP
Alright, alright. Wait just a moment.
(he pauses)
Brandy and I were having an affair. I’m sorry Brandy. I had to tell them.
(to Flarety)
I was going to break it off with her. I’m sorry Brandy. I planned to tell you in a day or so.
Brandy becomes furious. She stands up and faces him.
BRANDY
How dare you break it off! After everything I’ve done for you.
PHILLIP
Done for me? I don’t understand.
BRANDY
I gave you money, status, and I even gave you a party. But mostly, I gave you my love and this is how you repay me?
Phillip thinks a moment.
PHILLIP
Wait a minute. You left the party last night.
FLARETY
At what time was this?
PHILLIP
I’m not sure. Maybe around 10:00 or 10:30. You had to go out and get more liquor because we were out.
Brandy stands as she glares at Phillip.
BRANDY
How would you know. You were so drunk…
PHILLIP
You killed him. You found that revolver of mine in my house and used it to kill Henry.
BRANDY
(clinched teeth)
You told me you would marry me if I divorced Henry and I believed you. Henry wouldn’t give me a divorce.
PHILLIP
But to murder him and frame me?
BRANDY
I found out from Gloria you were going to break it off with me and I couldn’t stand being with Henry any longer. Yes, I killed him with your gun and I knew they would suspect you.
She glares at him.
BRANDY
The party at my home was my cover and your alibi until you told them I had left the party for a while. How could you remember? You were hammered.
The officer unlocks the handcuffs.
FLARETY
As long as I have done this job, it still intrigues me how there needs to be a motive somewhere in a murder.
He sits back down in his chair.
FLARETY
I knew about the affair. Most of the people at the party did too when we questioned them but it was too easy for me to believe Phillip would murder your husband. I also found out that Phillip and Henry were lovers as well.
Brandy looks at him in shock.
FLARETY
People at the party knew a whole lot including how drunk Phillip was. They knew more than even you Mrs. Wellington so when it didn’t add up in my head, I figured maybe I could wiggle out the truth from a scorned woman.
(he pause)
Book her.
The officer escorts Brandy out of the room.
FLARETY
She’s liable to get the death penalty.
He stands up and escorts Phillip out.
-
R WHITNEY LESSON 22
What I learned: I’ve learned to brainstorm in different directions for an individual scene some of which may not be valuable but some of which might add interest to the scene.
Logline: During a political debate, George is put on the spot by his opponent Kerry about allegations of a bribe he took but after they agree not to sling mud, George goes on the offense.
Interest Technique Ideas:
STRUCTURE
1. Suspense: George holds back his intention of blasting Kerry by acting quite professional.
2. Twist: After defending himself of the allegations, George brings up other he knows that have taken bribes.
3. Surprise: George doesn’t defend himself but implicates his own Campaign manager.
4: Interesting setting: debate takes place on live National TV.
5. Mislead: George denies claim of bribery but lets it slip that he is quite wealthy.
6. Irony: Kerry is also apart of the bribery scheme.
7. Hope/Fear: George fears this allegation will ruin his chances for election. Kerry hope it does.
8. Intrigue: Kerry gives examples of possible bribes.
9. Mystery: George throws out allegations that Kerry was seeing the President in secret.
10. Cliffhanger: George collapses on stage.
11. Dilemma: Kerry can’t respond to Georges allegations.
12. Something unseen: The debate moderator presses George to respond to the allegations.
CHARACTER
1. Character Change: George confesses to bribery but never inhaled.
2. Betrayal: George doesn’t stick with the truce he makes with Kerry.
3. Dilemma: Kerry confesses to having an affair with George.
4. Uncomfortable moment: George accuses Kerry of affair.
5. Misinterpretation: George calls the bribes paid appearances.
DIALOGUE
1. Hook: George calls Kerry a whore right off.
2. Prediction: George tells Kerry she is a loser.
3. Create a Future: The two tear into each other so bad that neither win the election.
4. Anticipatory: Mediator tells them the bickering will not serve them well in the election.
SCENE
INT. DEBATE PODIUMS – EVENING
GEORGE – Hansom man around 45 – dashing full head of dark hair – very nice blue suit.
KERRY – Lovely woman around 40 – beautiful long hair – very nice gray dress suit.
The mediator announces the two candidates as they both enter the stage at the same time. They shake hands as the Mediator begins the debate.
MEDIATOR
George you go first. What is your stances on taxing the wealthy?
GEORGE
It’s always been my feeling that…
Kerry breaks in.
KERRY
Shouldn’t your question be on how he plans to pay taxes on his bribes?
The crowd murmurs.
MEDIATOR
You will get your chance to answer questions.
GEORGE
As I was saying, I’ve always felt that the tax burden should be fair across the board and a flat tax should be instituted.
MEDIATOR
The same question to you, Ms. Kerry.
KERRY
I suggest you look into my opponents record. You can see how he has vote over and over again for higher taxes while he collects cash from his wealthy friends and donators.
GEORGE
Now just a minute…
Mediator breaks in.
MEDIATOR
Let’s take a break and hear a word from our sponsor.
The mediator addresses the candidates.
MEDIATOR
I will have order here. These debates are set up for the benefit of the voters and I will not have them sink into a school yard name calling affair.
GEORGE
Her brining up something that has no basis in fact is not debating the issues…
KERRY
The issue is whether the voters want a candidate that bends to the whims of his donors.
MEDIATOR
I will have order!
The candidates quiet.
MEDIATOR
Can we aagree to debate the issues?
GEORGE
I’m all in on the issues.
KERRY
Same here.
MEDIATOR
Isn’t that peachy. We’re back on in 15 seconds.
KERRY
(to George)
Sorry I spoke out of turn.
GEORGE
(to Kerry)
Sometimes these debate can bring out the worst.
MEDIATOR
We are back with our two candidates. My next question goes to Kerry. What do you think about holding our elected officials to a higher ethical standard?
KERRY
I believe we must maintain a healthy basic ethical standard such that the voters can have faith in us to do your jobs.
MEDIATOR
Same question to you George.
GEORGE
That’s a fine answer coming from a person that is known to sleep with anyone that can aid her bid to win.
KERRY
That’s not right. None of that is true. I have…
MEDIATOR
The candidates will contain their responses to the questions and I will allow rebuttals after.
GEORGE
She is nothing but a political whore.
KERRY
And he is nothing but a corrupt candidate enriching himself on donors bribes.
GEORGE
She had an affair with my former campaign manager in order to get information on my campaign so she could have a chance to win this election.
KERRY
And I know for a fact you used over $150,000 in campaign money to finance a vacation. Once the truth comes out, you won’t have a chance to win.
The mediator has the mic’s cut off.
MEDIATOR
To those of you still watching, our network people have decided to halt the proceedings and show a rerun of the Three Stooges.
The cameras fade out. The two candidates walk off in separate directions as they don’t speak to each other.
-
R Whitney
What I learned: Reveals are a big part of my writing. Some you can see coming some are OMG moments. What I learned was the types and structure of these reveals.
Logline: Nora accidently comes upon a time portal in nature and is whisked back in time to when the area was a farm during the depression.
Essence: one of life’s lessons.
Scene:
EXT. FARMHOUSE PORCH – MORNING
NORA – Woman in her late twenties – short dark hair – petite – wears farm clothes.
HERMAN – Man in his early 30’s – crewcut hair – tall – slender – wears farmers clothes.
AUNT MANDY – Woman in her late 50’s – gray hair up in a bun – short – heavy set – wears work dress and apron.
It’s the mid 1930’s depression era. Nora is now been on Herman’s farm for over a month. She stands on the front porch of the farmhouse and listens to the quiet sound of the morning doves.
Herman comes out on the porch with her.
HERMAN
It’s peaceful here. Not like the big city you’re used to.
NORA
There’s a certain kind of beauty and serenity here I’ve never knew existed.
HERMAN
My wife disappeared almost three years ago. I about drove myself crazy trying to find her.
NORA
I didn’t know that. I thought maybe she died or you divorced.
HERMAN
Sometimes I just don’t like to talk about her. She disappeared without a trace. We had police and everything.
He looks down at his feet as he still misses her. Aunt Mandy sneaks up to the door to listen in.
HERMAN
Maybe you could stay here permanent like.
Nora reacts with surprise.
NORA
Are you asking me to marry you?
HERMAN
I guess so. The kids adore you and I know Aunt Mandy would love having you around.
(pauses)
I don’t know.
Nora turns to him.
NORA
You know how out of place I am around here.
(grows emotional)
I don’t belong here. I belong somewhere else.
Herman grows emotional too.
HERMAN
I sorta figured so.
(take a deep breath)
I got chores to do.
He rubs his nose as he moves off the porch towards the barn. Aunt Mandy come out on the porch.
AUNT MANDY
I couldn’t help overhearing.
Nora composes herself.
NORA
It’s alright.
AUNT MANDY
You come here from another time, didn’t you.
NORA
What are you talking about?
AUNT MANDY
I’m talking about that strange time portal area thing out by the big rock.
NORA
How do you know about that?
AUNT MANDY
I could tell you’re not from around here by the way you act and talk.
Nora hesitates to say anything.
NORA
I stumbled on that strange area by the rock and I ended up here.
(she hesitates)
I came from your future.
She looks out towards the strange area.
NORA
I’ve tried to go back but it’s like it only works at certain times. How do you know about it?
AUNT MANDY
It stole my life.
NORA
(turns to Aunt Mandy)
It what?
AUNT MANDY
That what ever time thing stole my life.
Aunt Mandy sits on the porch chair.
AUNT MANDY
I discovered it much like you did. It sent be back some hundred years before now at a time when there was nothing around here.
She pauses and takes a deep breath.
AUNT MANDY
I found my way to a town nearby and learned to live in that time period coming back here to that spot hoping It would send back to here. The years went by. Nothing.
She pauses.
AUNT MANDY
I come back once more to that spot in a last chance to return and it did bring me back here but I was 25 years older. It stole my life in my time here.
She pauses once again.
AUNT MANDY
You see, I’m Herman’s wife. The one that disappeared. Those Kids are mine.
NORA
It can’t be. You’re not Aunt Mandy. You’re …
AUNT MANDY
Their mother. I ask you to stay here. Stay with Herman. Be the wife I couldn’t be. Give the love only a mother can to my children.
Nora thinks as her head spins.
NORA
I’m out of place here. I think and act completely different from what this era expects of a woman.
Nora sits next to Aunt Mandy.
NORA
I need to go back where I belong or at least keep trying.
AUNT MANDY
I understand. I felt the same way but I ended up wasting my life trying to get back here when maybe, just maybe, I could have had a good life back then.
Nora get’s up and move off the porch towards the time portal area to try.
AUNT MANDY
Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Nora stops and looks back at Aunt Mandy. She nods to her and continues towards the portal area.
-
R. Whitney Lesson 20
What I’ve learned: Characters can both have a rapport and have a conflict between them. This gets away from characters being too similar to the point there’s nothing going on between them. It can also work the opposite where dissimilar characters which creates conflict and drama might have a similarity and possibly open a rapport.
Characters:
Barton: caring, fearful, secretive, driven
Adam: caring, grumpy, inquisitive, intelligent
McLean: controlling, distrustful, inquisitive, stubborn
Ramsey: sociopathic, charming, self-serving, vengeful
Barton and Adam can develop a rapport because they both care but they can butt heads when Barton becomes secretive and fearful to Adam’s inquisitive.
Adam and McLean can develop a rapport by both having inquisitive but they disagree when McLeans distrustfulness comes into play.
Barton and McLean can’t develop much of a rapport since Barton is secretive and McLean is not only inquisitive but also controlling and doesn’t trust Barton. These two will conflict through much of the story.
Ramsey conflicts with all three characters with his vengeful, self-serving characteristic. His disregard for the law puts him at odds.
-
For Karin
This is a good scene. The traits are a good match with the setting. I’ve worked in the food service’s during my college years so I had a connection with the characters.
It has a good hook, mystery, dilemma, and it gives us a cliffhanger at the end.
-
R. Whitney Lesson 19
Logline: Renee attempts to help out her friend Maxine only to find out she was being used.
Essence: How two friend use their friendship against each other.
Change: Change Maxine from Wounded Emotions to Short Temper
Scene:
INT. RENEE’S APARTMENT – EVENING
RENEE – late 30’s – -wears lots of makeup – long brown hair – keeps her apartment spotless – wears nice clothes.
MAXINE – Late 30’s – short black hair – wears expensive clothes.
Renee sits in her perfect living room as she watches television. She hears a knock at her door and she gets up to see who it is.
She peeks through the peep hole in the door and sees it’s her good friend Maxine. She unlocks the door and greets her.
RENEE
Maxine. What brings up over… You look terrible.
MAXINE
Can I come in?
Renee motions for her to come in.
RENEE
Are you and Bill fighting again?
MAXINE
He’s being unreasonable like usual. Would it be possible for me to stay here for a couple days?
RENEE
Of course you can stay. Me casa su casa. Bill’s Gonna figure you came over here.
They sit down in the living room.
MAXINE
Could you not let him know I’m here. Cover for me?
RENEE
I guess so. You want to give him the ole silent treatment.
MAXINE
Something like that. Don’t let anyone know I’m here. I don’t want him to find me.
RENEE
You could use a stiff drink. Let me get you one.
Renee Leaves the room for the kitchen.
RENEE (O.S.)
Scotch alright?
MAXINE
That’ll be fine.
Maxine relaxes as she gains a little smile. She then thinks she hears Renee talk.
MAXINE
Did you say something?
RENEE (O.S.)
What’s that?
MAXINE
I said did you say something?
Renee returns with two scotch on the rocks.
She hands one to Maxine as she sits. She reaches under the table and presents coasters for their drinks.
RENEE
Tell me what happened this time.
MAXINE
(sips her drink)
You know how we go to the annual ball our country club holds each year.
Renee nods.
MAXINE
Bill decided we shouldn’t go this year. I told him all the in people were going to be there but he insisted we couldn’t afford to go this year.
RENEE
That’s silly. You go every year.
Maxine finishes her drink.
MAXINE
Things got out of control and and I slapped him. He then slapped me back and pushed me to the couch.
RENEE
You poor dear. That’s abuse.
Renee finishes her drink.
RENEE
Let me get you another.
Renee leave the room for the kitchen again.
RENEE (O.S.)
Keep talking. I can hear you.
MAXINE
I got scared and left right away. I came here because I can trust you to keep quiet about this.
There’s a pause.
MAXINE
Did you say something?
RENEE (O.S.)
Do you mind if I use the same ice. I seem to be out.
MAXINE
That’s fine.
RENEE (O.S.)
You don’t have to worry. I won’t breath a word.
Maxine smiles a bit more as she nods her head.
Renee comes back in to the living room and hands her the drink.
RENEE
Won’t Bill get worried?
MAXINE
Let the bastard worry.
RENEE
(sits)
He’s gonna know I’m covering for you.
The doorbell rings.
RENEE
Who could that be?
She gets up to answer.
MAXINE
You didn’t try to call or text Bill?
Renee opens the door and two policemen stand in view.
POLICEMAN 1
You called about a spousal abuse one Maxine Wassermann?
RENEE
That would be her over there.
MAXINE
You called the Police?
RENEE
Bill assaulted you. You need to tell these officers what he did.
POLICEMAN 1
We just got a call from 517 Casino Way about a possible homicide. Neighbors called us on what they thought was a domestic problem.
(to Maxine)
You are Maxine Wassermann of 517 Casino Way?
Maxine remains silent with no expression.
POLICEMAN 1
You’re husband is William Wassermann?
She remains silent.
POLICEMAN 1
When our patrolman investigated, they found your husband murdered in your home. He was discovered in the kitchen with a kitchen knife stuck in his back. Neighbors say they saw you leaving the premises shortly after the fighting stopped.
She remains quiet as Renee is in shock.
POLICEMAN 2
You’re friend called us just about that time and gave us your location.
Maxine stands up and throws her drink across the room. The police both move to her to gain control. She fights them a bit but relents as they over power her and put handcuffs on her.
MAXINE
(shouts at Renee)
You had to call the Police. You goody two shoes. You Miss gotta be right.
She glares back over at Renee as the policeman reads her Miranda Rights.
MAXINE
(still shouts)
I’m gonna get you for this. All of you.
The two policemen escort her out the door as she protests their grabs.
Renee closes the door as she stand in terror and disbelief.
-
R Whitney Lesson 17
Logline: Renee attempts to help out her friend Maxine only to find out she was being used.
Essence: How two people use their friendship against each other.
INT. RENEE’S APARTMENT – EVENING
RENEE – late 30’s – -wears lots of makeup – long brown hair – keeps her apartment spotless – wears nice clothes.
MAXINE – Late 30’s – short black hair – wears expensive clothes.
Renee sits in her perfect living room as she watches television. She hears a knock at her door and she gets up to see who it is.
She peeks through the peep hole in the door and sees it’s her good friend Maxine. She unlocks the door and greets her.
RENEE
Maxine. What brings up out to this neck of the woods?
MAXINE
Can I come in?
Renee motions for her to come in.
RENEE
Are you and Bill fighting again?
MAXINE
Sort of. He’s being unreasonable like usual. Would it be possible for me to stay here for a couple days?
RENEE
Of course you can stay. Me casa su casa.Bill’s Gonna figure you came over here.
They sit down in the living room.
MAXINE
Could you not let him know I’m here.
RENEE
I guess so. You want to give him the ole silent treatment.
MAXINE
Something like that. Don’t let anyone know I’m here. I don’t want him to find me.
RENEE
You could use a stiff drink. Let me get you one.
Renee Leaves the room for the kitchen.
RENEE (O.S.)
Scotch alright?
MAXINE
That’ll be fine.
Maxine relaxes as she gains a little smile. She then thinks she hears Renee talk.
MAXINE
Did you say something?
RENEE (O.S.)
What’s that?
MAXINE
I said did you say something?
Renee returns with two scotch on the rocks.
She hands one to Maxine as she sits. She reaches under the table and presents coasters for their drinks.
RENEE
Tell me what happened this time.
MAXINE
(sips her drink)
You know how we go to the annual ball our country club holds each year.
Renee nods.
MAXINE
Bill decided we shouldn’t go this year. I told him all the in people were going to be there but he insisted we couldn’t afford to go this year.
RENEE
That’s silly. You go every year.
Maxine finishes her drink.
MAXINE
Things got out of control and and I slapped him. He then slapped me back and pushed me to the couch.
RENEE
You poor dear. That’s abuse.
Renee finishes her drink.
RENEE
Let me get you another.
Renee leave the room for the kitchen again.
RENEE (O.S.)
Keep talking. I can hear you.
MAXINE
I got scared and left immediately. I came here because I can trust you to keep quit about this.
RENEE (O.S.)
Do you mind if I use the same ice. I seem to be out.
MAXINE
That’s fine.
RENEE (O.S.)
You don’t have to worry. I won’t breath a word.
Maxine smiles a bit more as she nods her head.
Renee comes back in to the living room and hands her the drink.
RENEE
Won’t Bill get worried?
MAXINE
Let the bastard worry.
RENEE
(sits)
He’s gonna know I’m covering for you.
The doorbell rings.
RENEE
Who could that be?
She gets up to answer.
MAXINE
You didn’t try to call or text Bill?
Renee opens the door and two policemen stand in view.
POLICEMAN 1
You called about a spousal abuse one Maxine Wassermann?
RENEE
That would be her over there.
MAXINE
You called the Police?
RENEE
Bill assaulted you. You need to tell these officers what he did.
POLICEMAN 1
We just got a call from 517 Casino Way about a possible homicide.
(to Maxine)
You are Maxine Wassermann of 517 Casino Way?
Maxine remains silent with no expression.
POLICEMAN 1
You are married to William Wassermann?
She remains silent.
POLICEMAN 1
We’ve been informed that your husband was found murdered in your home. He was discovered about ten minutes ago in the kitchen with a kitchen knife stuck in his back.
She remains quiet as Renee is in shock.
POLICEMAN 1
You’ll have to come with us.
They get the cuffs out as they move towards her and stand her up. She looks back over at Renee as the policeman reads her Miranda Rights.
MAXINE
I had it all planned. Lay low here for a couple days and head North. You had to be Miss goody two shoes and get the police involved.
The two policemen escort her out the door. Renee closes the door as she stand in disbelief.
-
For Jeff
The characters are pretty much on target. I didn’t pick up on Squire being very selfish. Perhaps instead of him jumping right into the planning of the party, maybe he objects to having to do any work after he delivers the message from Karen showing a selfishness.
The scene has a great twist, surprise and betrayal all rolled into one. It also gave a bit of a cliffhanger when Squire is dragged out of the conference room.
-
Logline: Nancy meets up with Squire in the hospital and learns he’s been in an accident and she is a lawyer.
Essence: Greed
INT. HOSPITAL WARD – DAY
NANCY – Woman late 20’s – lovely – nice golden hair – wears hospital gown.
SQUIRE – Man around 30 – hansom – full head of dark hair – wears hospital gown and in a back brace.
Nancy limps into Squire’s hospital room. She sees him as he lies in his hospital bed. She limps over to him and sits.
Squire lies in a back brace and has bandages on his cuts. He looks towards her the best he can.
SQUIRE
Who are you?
NANCY
I’m Nancy Saunders. I’m in the room next door.
SQUIRE
Pleased to meet you. I’m sorry I’m not in a better position to greet lovely ladies.
NANCY
I over heard you had an accident at the subway station on 5th avenue.
SQUIRE
Some idiot pushed me on to the tracks. I was fortunate that no train was arriving at the time.
NANCY
(she looks at his wrist ID)
How badly are you hurt? Squire Fahey? That is your name isn’t it?
SQUIRE
That right. I’m waiting the results of the X-Rays and MRI.
(tries to look her way)
Who are you anyway?
NANCY
I maybe the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Are you in pain?
SQUIRE
Some pain. I don’t mean to be impolite but should you be in here?
She looks around then towards the door. She looks back at Squire.
NANCY
I’m a good lawyer. I’m here getting my foot and ankle fixed when I overheard them bring you in.
SQUIRE
I’ve never met a lawyer as beautiful as you.
NANCY
Listen to me. Last year, a man fell off the subway platform and sued the transit system for millions.
SQUIRE
Did you say millions?
NANCY
It was millions for injury, pain and suffering.
SQUIRE
For millions? Wow!
He pauses.
SQUIRE
I could get that sports car or maybe a house in Westchester.
NANCY
Earth to Squire. Come down for a moment.
(she moves closer to him)
Here’s what we can do.
SQUIRE
What’s with this we? I’m the one hurt not you.
NANCY
You’re going to need a good lawyer, aren’t you?
SQUIRE
I guess so.
NANCY
You know so and I’m one of the best. Only a fool would take on the system by themselves.
SQUIRE
A million dollars. I got nothing to lose. What do I do?
NANCY
You have to play it up. Pain and suffering.
He begins to moan. Nancy looks around the corner at the door. She gets up and opens the door wider.
NANCY
Come on. Pain and suffering.
He moans louder. Just at that moment, the Doctor comes in.
The Doctor looks at Nancy then moves over to Squire as he moans.
DOCTOR
I’m Doctor Brackett. Are you in pain?
SQUIRE
Unbelievable, Doctor. It’s my back and neck.
He glances over at Nancy as she nods.
DOCTOR
That’s odd. Your X-rays and MRI don’t show any broken bones or muscle tears.
SQUIRE
(moans)
Can you give me something for the pain?
NANCY
Sometimes X-rays and MRI’s don’t show everything
DOCTOR
(looks over at her)
Who are you?
NANCY
I’m his lawyer.
DOCTOR
Uh huh. I see.
(to Squire)
Well Mr. Fahey, I’m going to recommend your release. All I can see here are some bumps and bruises.
SQUIRE
What about the pain?
He moans.
DOCTOR
I’ll administer some morphine. It’ll knock you out for a while and when you wake up, I bet you will feel much better.
(he looks over at Nancy)
Won’t he.
The Doctor takes out a syringe of morphine.
SQUIRE
Wait a minute, maybe the pain is getting better.
He injects Squire’s I.V. as Squire quiets. The Doctor looks over at Nancy.
DOCTOR
Perhaps you could use some?
Nancy shakes her head and limps out of the room at a fast pace. As she passes Squire’s clothes that hang by the door, she puts a paper in one of the pockets while the Doctor starts to remove Squire’s braces.
-
Logline: Nancy overhears about the accident Squire has had and hatches a scheme to make money.
Essence: Greed
Scene:
INT. HOSPITAL WARD – DAY
NANCY – Woman late 20’s – lovely – nice golden hair – wears hospital gown.
SQUIRE – Man around 30 – hansom – full head of dark hair – wears hospital gown.
Nancy limps into Squire’s hospital room. She sees him as he lies in his hospital bed. She limps over to him and sits.
Squire lies in a back brace and has bandages on his cuts. He looks towards her the best he can.
SQUIRE
Who are you?
NANCY
I’m Nancy Saunders. I’m in the room next door.
SQUIRE
Pleased to meet you. I’m sorry I’m not in a better position to greet lovely ladies.
NANCY
I over heard you had an accident at the subway station on 5th avenue.
SQUIRE
Some idiot pushed me on to the tracks. I was fortunate that no train was arriving at the time.
NANCY
(she looks at his wrist ID)
How badly are you hurt? Squire Fahey? That is your name isn’t it?
SQUIRE
That right. I’m waiting the results of the X-Rays and MRI.
(tries to look her way)
Who are you anyway?
NANCY
I maybe the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Are you in pain?
SQUIRE
Some pain. I don’t mean to be impolite but should you be in here?
She looks around then towards the door. She looks back at Squire.
NANCY
I’m a lawyer. I’m here getting my foot and ankle fixed when I heard them bring you in.
SQUIRE
I’ve never met a lawyer as beautiful as you.
NANCY
Listen to me. Last year, a man fell off the subway platform and sued the transit system for millions.
SQUIRE
Did you say millions?
NANCY
It was millions for injury, pain and suffering.
SQUIRE
For millions? Wow!
He pauses.
SQUIRE
I could get that sports car or maybe a house in Westchester.
NANCY
Earth to Squire. Come down for a moment.
(she moves closer to him)
Here’s what we can do.
SQUIRE
What’s with this we? I’m the one hurt not you.
NANCY
You’re going to need a lawyer, aren’t you?
SQUIRE
I guess so.
NANCY
You know so. Only a fool would take on the system by themselves.
SQUIRE
A million dollars. I got nothing to lose. What do I do?
NANCY
You have to play it up. Pain and suffering.
He begins to moan. Nancy looks around the corner at the door. She gets up and opens the door wider.
NANCY
Come on. Pain and suffering.
He moans louder. Just at that moment, the Doctor comes in.
The Doctor looks at Nancy then moves over to Squire as he moans.
DOCTOR
I’m Doctor Brackett. Are you in pain?
SQUIRE
Unbelievable, Doctor. It’s my back and neck.
He glances over at Nancy as she nods.
DOCTOR
That’s odd. Your X-rays and MRI don’t show any broken bones or muscle tears.
SQUIRE
(moans)
Can you give me something for the pain?
NANCY
Sometimes X-rays and MRI’s don’t show everything
DOCTOR
(looks over at her)
Who are you?
NANCY
I’m his lawyer.
DOCTOR
Uh huh. I see.
(to Squire)
Well Mr. Fahey, I’m going to recommend your release. All I can see here are some bumps and bruises.
SQUIRE
What about the pain?
He moans.
DOCTOR
I’ll administer some morphine. It’ll knock you out for a while and when you wake up, I bet you will feel much better.
(he looks over at Nancy)
Won’t he.
The Doctor takes out a syringe of morphine.
SQUIRE
Wait a minute, maybe the pain is getting better.
He injects Squire’s I.V. as Squire quiets. The Doctor looks over at Nancy.
DOCTOR
Perhaps you could use some?
Nancy shakes her head and limps out of the room at a fast pace.
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R Whitney Lesson 13
Logline: Tribune Marseilles orders Centurion Lucius to infiltrate rebel strongholds and to learn more about the reasons they rebel.
Essence: Marseilles sends Lucius on a mission that will change the way he sees these conquered people.
INT. MARSEILLES’S ROOM – SEVERAL DAYS LATER
Marseilles stands at the balcony as Lucius enters the chamber and salutes.
LUCIUS
You called for me, Tribune?
MARSEILLES
I did. The people here desecrate Rome. They remove the symbols of or great Emperor Tiberius. Do you know why they do this?
LUCIUS
No sir, I don’t but I haven’t had a lot of contact with these people.
MARSEILLES
Resentment towards Rome maybe? Anger? What ever it is, there’s no gratitude for what we bring to them.
LUCIUS
These people are somehow different from others we have conquered. Since I have been here, I hear people that want to be free to govern themselves, worship their God.
MARSEILLES
(barks out)
Freedom? You surprise me Centurion. What difference is there in one of their Kings verses our Roman Emperor.
He moves into the chamber.
MARSEILLES
I hear of these so called holy men wandering the countryside preaching peace but making war.
LUCIUS
I’ve heard this too, Tribune.
MARSEILLES
It’s sedition. What we need is two squads stationed in Capernaum to flush out these insurgent strongholds.
LUCIUS
I will see to it at once, sir.
He salutes and begins to move.
MARSEILLES
Wait Lucius.
He stops and turns.
MARSEILLES
I want you to lead one of the squads. I want you to find out more about these people that would make them so resentful towards Rome.
LUCIUS
You wish for me to infiltrate these rebels?
MARSEILLES
Who better can I trust. Find out why these people desecrate Rome and then we can change their ideas.
He pauses and he moves to sit.
MARSEILLES
This order come directly from Governor Pilate.
LUCIUS
Yes, sir.
He moves towards the balcony.
MARSEILLES
The Governor believes Herod is a worthless leader. He doesn’t trust any of them to keep the peace and neither do I.
Lucius thinks.
LUCIUS
With me gone, sir, who will be your bodyguard?
MARSEILLES
Don’t worry so Lucius. Here in the palace, I’m safe. Fear not. When you have completed your mission, you will return to my side. I wish no other.
He pauses then salutes and leaves.
What I learned: This is an important scene as it’s a flex point that sends Lucius on his journey to change. I added more uncomfort in their exchange as it shows Lucius is “thinking” outside his solder way for a first time as it points to a possible different future.
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R Whitney Challenging situations
What I learned: By creating a more challenging situation in the scene, it does more to deliver on the essence of the scene and helps develop the characters change.
Current Scene 1: Centurion Markus is starting to see that there maybe a life outside of the one he’s known as a solder.
Essence: Marcus debates his superior about how different these people are from the one’s he’s encountered in previous Roman occupations.
Brainstorm: Possibly his Superior begins to argue his debate. Possibly his Superior doesn’t listen and bluntly orders him to forget this and obey. Possibly his Superior doubts Marcus’s loyalty and suggests giving the order to some one else.
Summary: By adding a more confrontational situation to the scene, it increases the internal conflict Marcus has and it increases the interest to the reader. Previous scene was flat and on the nose.
Current Scene 2: Centurion Marcus is learning about the Hebrew society and their beliefs.
Essence: Marcus meets with his future wife at a wedding ceremony.
Brainstorm: Possibly his interest makes a local man jealous and they confront each other. Possibly his future wife wants nothing to do with him since he comes from the outside. Possibly Marcus stumbles on his words as he deals with his new feelings towards his future wife.
Summary: By adding one or all these confrontations, it creates more challenge for Marcus to win his future wife. The current scene doesn’t deliver much except move the story forward.
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R. Whitney Lesson 11
Robert Barton (Bart) Initial
Description: Bart is a young man drifter who seeks solitude.
Characteristics: Secretive, Introverted, Honest, Caring
Subtext: Bart merely wants to be left alone
Redo of Bart
Description: Bart is a drifter who seeks solitude but grows distrustful of people.
Characteristics: Secretive, Paranoid, Caring, Courageous
Subtext: Bart is a drifter drawn to places by something he can’t explain.
Steve Shaw Initial
Description: Shaw is near 30 and is an ex-military trainer Sergeant who looks for something important to do with life.
Characteristics: Athletic, hard, loner, mechanical
Subtext: Shaw looks for some direction in his life after leaving the service.
Redo of Shaw
Description: Shaw near 30 ex-military sergeant has little to do in his life.
Characteristics: Athletic, volatile, loner, mechanical
Subtext: Shaw looks to do something with his life but his volatile nature and his desire to be a loner holds him back from achieving his goal.
Mark Initial
Description: Mark is a murderous Roman Centurion in his 20’s.
Characteristics: Murderous, Aggressive, Battle weary, Sense of Justice.
Subtext: Mark only knows the life as a Roman Centurion.
Redo of Mark
Description: Mark is a Roman Centurion that has only known his life as a solder.
Characteristics: Aggressive, Justice, Cares for his men, volatile
Subtext: Mark who has only known a solders life looks for more.
What I learned: By adding or changing characteristics can give immediate drama both with internal struggles and with other character struggles.
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for Karin
I could see the characteristics of each person being served.
I like the reversal. I could see it coming even with the surprise set up but it works well. There is an element of betrayal involved between the characters whether they were friends or just co-workers.
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R Whitney Lesson 9 rewrite
Logline: John must extract vital information from a captured enemy Colonel on battle plans for the enemy.
INT. WWII ARMY TENT- NIGHT
JOHN – Army Intelligence Captain – late twenties – tall slender – wear spotless uniform.
NIKLAUS – German Colonel – forties – short – bald with some gray – wears German uniform that’s messy.
During a WWII battle, the Allies capture a German Colonel Niklaus Schmitt. Captain John is ordered to interrogate the prisoner for information vital to the success of an offensive.
Captain John enters the tent where he sees Colonel Niklaus tied to a chair with two guards on each side. The lantern in the tent shines near Niklaus’s face.
JOHN
Guards, you can leave now. I’d like to talk to our prisoner alone.
The guards look at each other then salute before they leave the tent.
JOHN
Well, Colonel, do you speak English?
John looks him in the face.
JOHN
Sprachen sie English?
Niklaus doesn’t reply. They stare at each other. Niklaus relents.
NIKLAUS
I sprachen sie English.
JOHN
I was afraid I was going to have to use my German and it’s not that good.
John takes out a cigarette and lights it.
JOHN
It’s very simple, Colonel, You tell me what I want to know and we can work out a deal where you can be sent to England to sit out the war in comfort.
NIKLAUS
You zink I’m going to zit here and give you information? Nein.
JOHN
We could use a form of torture like cigarette burns or maybe a hose beating.
NIKLAUS
(half smiles)
You must know none of deez vill work on me. Ve have much more ingenious vays you Americans haven’t even begun to zink of.
John pulls out a book like container that he opens to show Niklaus the siring and the drug.
NIKLAUS
Vas is zat?
JOHN
A little truth serum. I have plenty for just such occasions. Sometimes I use too much and well…
Niklaus worries as he works on the ropes to try and get loose.
John fills the siring.
NIKLAUS
Perhaps I was too hasty not zinking about your first deal.
John STARES at him at lenght.
NIKLAUS
I give you ze information und I slip out unnoticed. You get vat you came for und I disappear into the countryside.
He continues to work on the ropes out of John’s sight. John takes out the siring and loads it with the drug.
JOHN
(flicks the siring)
Depends on whether I like what I hear.
Niklaus hangs his head down.
NIKLAUS
Ze Pazer division under my command ist to attack at Malmedly by dawn followed by two division of Tigers with seven regiments of infantry.
JOHN
Was that so hard?
John moves to inject Niklaus.
NIKLAUS
Vas are you ding?
JOHN
I need to verify if what you just told me was accurate. You wouldn’t want me to report something wrong to my superiors.
NIKLAUS
Nein! Nein! You’re not a doctor!
JOHN
I work alone.
NIKLAUS
I have zome money. Gold. Gold coins. They’re yours. All of it.
Niklaus breaks free of the ropes and knocks John off his feet. He runs for the door only to be met by the two guard. They wrestle him to the ground as John moves over to them.
JOHN
You don’t want to deprive me of my duty, would you?
John injects Niklaus as he squirms.
NIKLAUS
Nein! Nein!
Niklaus fades off into an unconscious state. The guards pick him up and place him back on the chair.
JOHN
Now then, Colonel. Was what you told me the truth?
NIKLAUS
(under the influence of the drug)
Not exactly. Ve are mounting a counteroffensive to strike North vith at least three Panzer divisions with support of five Tiger divisions.
JOHN
That wasn’t so hard, was it.
(to the guards)
When he wakes up, if he wakes up, put him with the rest of the prisoners. I have to report what I know to the General.
John Leaves the tent.
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INT. WWII ARMY TENT- NIGHT
JOHN – Army Intelligence Captain – late twenties – tall slender – wear spotless uniform.
NIKLAUS – German Colonel – forties – short – bald with some gray – wears German uniform that’s messy.
During a WWII battle, the Allies capture a German Colonel Niklaus Schmitt. Captain John is ordered to interrogate the prisoner for information vital to the success of an offensive.
Captain John enters the tent where he sees Colonel Niklaus tied to a chair with two guards on each side. The lantern in the tent shines near Niklaus’s face.
JOHN
Guards, you can leave now. I’d like to talk to our prisoner alone.
The guards look at each other then salute before they leave the tent.
JOHN
Well, Colonel, do you speak English?
John looks him in the face.
JOHN
Sprachen sie English?
NIKLAUS
I sprachen sie English.
JOHN
I was afraid I was going to have to use my German and it’s not that good.
John takes out a cigarette and lights it.
JOHN
It’s very simple, Colonel, You tell me what I want to know and we can work out a deal where you can be sent to England to sit out the war in comfort.
NIKLAUS
You zink I’m going to zit here and give you information? Nein.
JOHN
We could use a form of torture like cigarette burns or maybe a hose beating.
NIKLAUS
(half smiles)
You must know none of deez vill work on me. Ve have much more ingenious vays you Americans haven’t even begun to zink of.
John pulls out a book like container that he opens to show Niklaus the siring and the drug.
NIKLAUS
Vas is zat?
JOHN
A little truth serum. I have plenty for just such occasions. Sometimes I use too much and well…
Niklaus worries as he works on the ropes to try and get loose.
John fills the siring.
NIKLAUS
Perhaps I was too hasty not zinking about your first deal.
JOHN
I’m listening.
NIKLAUS
I give you ze information und I slip out unnoticed. You get vat you came for und I disappear into the countryside.
He continues to work on the ropes out of John’s sight.
JOHN
(flicks the siring)
Depends on whether I like what I hear.
Niklaus hangs his head down.
NIKLAUS
Ze Pazer division under my command ist to attack at Malmedly by dawn followed by two division of Tigers with seven regiments of infantry.
JOHN
Was that so hard?
John moves to inject Niklaus.
NIKLAUS
Vas are you ding?
JOHN
I need to verify if what you just told me was accurate. You wouldn’t want me to report something wrong to my superiors.
NIKLAUS
Nein! Nein! You’re not a doctor!
JOHN
I work alone.
NIKLAUS
I have zome money. Gold. Gold coins. They’re yours. All of it.
Niklaus breaks free of the ropes and knocks John off his feet. He runs for the door only to be met by the two guard. They wrestle him to the ground as John moves over to them.
JOHN
You don’t want to deprive me of my duty, would you?
John injects Niklaus as he squirms.
NIKLAUS
Nein! Nein!
Niklaus fades off into an unconscious state. The guards pick him up and place him back on the chair.
JOHN
Now then, Colonel. Was what you told me the truth?
NIKLAUS
(under the influence of the drug)
Not exactly. Ve are mounting a counteroffensive to strike North vith at least three Panzer divisions with support of five Tiger divisions.
JOHN
That wasn’t so hard, was it.
(to the guards)
When he wakes up, if he wakes up, put him with the rest of the prisoners. I have to report what I know to the General.
John Leaves the tent.
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For Karin
The scene arc and the scene situation is well addressed.
The characters traits are present both subtle and up front.
I was most impressed with the scene using the interest technique of betrayal each time increasing the level as the scene progressed. I found myself drawn into the scene just to see how far Trent would go and how Robert would react. I was ready to pick up that bottle and clobber Trent myself. The final betrayal really turns into a surprise and a twist when Robert is given his pink slip.
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EXT. HIGHSCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD – FALL DAY
ROBERT – High school Junior – tall – Lean – Athletic – good looking – Plays quarterback
TRENT – High school Junior – average height – strong build – average looking – Plays running back
The High school football team just won their last game of the season and it give them an undefeated season with the opportunity to go to the State finals.
The High school scoreboard on the field show the team wins 21-17 and a celebration on the field begins with band music and cheer leaders as they celebrate the accomplishment.
Robert smiles as he high fives, thumbs up, his teammates and shakes the coaches hand.
Trent move towards him. Trent’s uniform is clean, no grass stains or dirt while the rest of the team is dirty.
Trent high fives Robert.
ROBERT
(to Trent)
Great game.
(to the team)
Great game guys. First time our High School has had a perfect season. Couldn’t have done it without you guys.
The team files into the locker room.
INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Trent breaks from the team and moves to the trainers area. He motions to Robert to come over. Robert sees him and walks over.
Trent confronts him.
ROBERT
We did it buddy. Perfect season.
TRENT
Maybe you can explain it to me.
ROBERT
Explain what?
TRENT
Why the hell you didn’t get me the ball.
ROBERT
The ball? What are you talking about?
TRENT
We’ve been friends and teammates for several years. You know how good we play together.
ROBERT
You’ve been a great help getting us donations for uniforms and new equipment.
Robert looks bewildered. Trent gets louder.
TRENT
Didn’t I catch that winning touchdown pass last year that got us in the State finals?
ROBERT
Yeah, that was last year.
TRENT
I ran prefect routs today, was open I don’t know maybe a dozen times but you never got me the ball.
Robert still looks bewildered.
TRENT
Are you trying to get me kicked off the team? I mean, all season I maybe caught 2 or 3 passes from you.
The locker room noise quiets.
TRENT
Maybe that’s why you’ve been spreading rumors that I cheated on my exams to qualify for the team.
The team stands forward to hear better.
ROBERT
I don’t understand you. We won today. It was a team effort not just your lust for glory.
TRENT
You have been trying to get me cut from the team, haven’t you. Passing the ball to Kripke and Donaldson. Even our Full Back has caught more passes than I have.
ROBERT
Maybe it’s because you tried to buy your way onto the team by using money you didn’t have. Tell them how you got the money for the equipment.
Trent grows silent.
ROBERT
(to the team)
He swiped most of what he needed from my parents money stash in our den. You though you were smart by taking a little every time you came over.
He pauses.
ROBERT
I didn’t say anything because I though you were my friend.
Trent moves up to Robert.
ROBERT
(steps back)
You know I’m not the greatest of quarterbacks and I have to use the guys I know are winners.
TRENT
(keeps moving towards him)
So that’s it. Use everyone else and not your loser friend Trent. We got what we needed from Trent now let’s kick him out.
ROBERT
You got it all wrong.
Trent rages as he tackles Robert to the floor. Trent punches him in the head and elbows him in the ribs, He gets on top of him and punches Robert in the face over and over.
The team busts into the area to break up the two.
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EXT: HIGHSCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD – FALL DAY
ROBERT – High school Junior – tall – Lean – Athletic – good looking – Plays quarterback
TRENT – High school Junior – average height – strong build – average looking – Plays running back
The High school football team just won their last game of the season and it give them an undefeated season with the opportunity to go to the State finals.
The High school scoreboard on the field show the team wins 21-17 and a celebration on the field begins with band music and cheer leaders as they celebrate the accomplishment.
Robert smiles as he high fives, thumbs up, his teammates and shakes the coaches hand.
Trent move towards him. Trent’s uniform is clean, no grass stains or dirt while the rest of the team is dirty.
Trent high fives Robert.
ROBERT
(to Trent)
Great game.
(to the team)
Great game guys. First time our High School has had a perfect season. Couldn’t have done it without you guys.
The team files into the locker room.
INT: LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Trent breaks from the team and moves to the trainers room. He motions to Robert to come over. Robert sees him and walks over.
Trent closes the door behind him
ROBERT
We did it buddy. Perfect season.
TRENT
Maybe you can explain it to me.
ROBERT
Explain what?
TRENT
Why the hell you did get me the ball.
ROBERT
The ball? What are you talking about?
TRENT
We’ve been friends and teammates for several years. You know how good we play together.
ROBERT
Of course, you’ve been a great help getting us donations for uniforms and new equipment. This uniform I’m wearing is a result of your work.
Robert looks bewildered.
TRENT
Didn’t I catch that winning touchdown pass last year that got us in the State finals?
ROBERT
Yeah, that was last year.
TRENT
I ran prefect routs today, was open I don’t know maybe a dozen time but you never got me the ball.
Robert still looks bewildered.
TRENT
Are you trying to get me kicked off the team? I mean, all season I maybe caught 2 or 3 passes from you.
ROBERT
I don’t understand. We won today. It was a team effort not just one persons lust for glory.
TRENT
You have been trying to get me cut from the team, haven’t you. Passing the ball to Kripke and Donaldson. Even our Full Back has caught more passes than I have.
Trent moves up to Robert.
ROBERT
(steps back)
You know I’m not the greatest quarterback and I have to use everyone on the team to win.
TRENT
(keeps moving towards him)
So that’s it. Use everyone else and not your old friend Trent. We got what we needed from Trent now let’s let kick him out.
ROBERT
No, Trent you got it all wrong.
Trent rages as he tackles Robert to the floor. Trent punches him in the head and elbows him in the ribs, He gets on top of him and punches Robert in the face over and over.
The team overhears the ruckus and busts into the room to break up the two.
-
Scene from the Spear:
Ext: Island – day
Logline: After his ship is lost in the storm, Lucius washes up on the shore of a dessert island. He must find food and water in order to survive and continue his pursuit of his loved one.
Essence: This scene adds to the characters determination and has the elements of uncertainty as an obstacle of his goal.
Instead of him finding food and water etc, and instead of the ship lost in a storm, rewrite the scene as Phoenician Pirates attack the ship and he must use his solder skills to survive I.e. use his unique spear throwing skill in a battle. He still has the obstacle of surviving to reach his goal, still has the uncertainty that he will survive the battle but the action and tension increases in a battle scene. He could be wounded adding more uncertainty to his survival. It also opens up the possibility of him losing the battle to the pirates and becoming a slave to them where he would have to find a means of escape to continue on his quest or they defend the ship and drive off the attackers but the victory changes his duties while they continue the voyage and he must learn new skills.
What I learned: By examining the scene, I found several ways to lift the level of interest by putting in a more interesting setting and it opens up possible new avenues to torture my character in his pursuit.
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Person 1: Sweet, loves children, lazy, lair
Person 2: Intelligent, direct, shot temper, Impulsive
Person 3: Friendly, humorous, deceitful, underhanded
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I learned to dissect the traits from the character much more clearer and even a “normal” person or some one we think as normal can have extreme traits.
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Rick Whitney Discover the Essence
What I learned: I see there is a way to raise the stakes in each scene by asking what is the essence or what is it you want to show in this scene. By raising the stakes, it lifts a somewhat flat scene into a more action / emotional scene.
Script: The Spear
scene 1: Int: Roman tent – night
Logline: The Roman solders eat, drink and take part in the spoils of victory. Two Roman solder friends, Lucius and Markus, fight over a captured girl.
Essence: The essence of this scene should be to show that solders who fight together on the battle field become greedy after the battle and fight among themselves over the spoils.
The scene misses the opportunity for these two to actually have a fist fight over the spoils and raise the emotional stakes in the scene. They’re a little drunk and their self control is lowered.
Scene 2: Int: Marseille’s room in the palace – Day
Logline: Tribune Marseille and Lucius discuss why the people in Jerusalem are not appreciative of their captures.
Essence: the essence of the scene should focus on how the people wish to be free of the Roman occupation. The scene trivializes how they want freedom from Roman tyranny and misses this high point in their discussions. They should dive into more why’s and deepen the conversation into why conquered people should desire freedom.
Scene 3: Int: Jerusalem Street – Night
Logline: Lucius interrupts two passerby’s as they speak about Jesus’s preaching’s.
Essence: This scene should be Intriguing Lucius to learn more about this Rabbi’s teachings but the scene falls flat and ends with no movement. It serves little purpose as is.
Scene 4: Int: Jerusalem resident home – day
Logline: Lucius has just killed a Jew for assaulting another Roman solder. He talks with a Jewish man and for maybe the first time, he feels some regret.
Essence: The scene should show or tell of his struggle within himself as to the killing of a man. He had killed many before but never had he felt regret. The scene is on the nose and doesn’t take advantage of his internal struggle either physically or verbally.
Scene 5: Ext: Ship wreck
Logline: Lucius is traveling to rescue his imprisoned wife. While in route, the ship is caught in a storm and he is stranded on an island.
Essence: This scene is to show how driven Lucius is to find his wife. This ship wreck scene is to add to the drama of reaching his goal but it feels like something that was added in for length. It doesn’t deliver much to the character or to the story except length.
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Rick Whitney
What I learned: The essence of the scenes visually sets in motion the characters attitudes, personality in how he is rebellious.
Script I chose: Cool Hand Luke
Scene 1: Opening Scene: Night – Parking Meters
Logline: Lukas Jackson rebels against the things that haven’t gone right in his life by getting drunk and cutting the heads of parking meters off.
Essence: This scene gives us a feel for how Lukas is “getting Back” at the things in his life that haven’t gone well by getting drunk and cutting the heads off parking meters. This sets in motion the characters personality and how he handles life’s problems.
Scene 2: Int: Prison wash basin
Logline: Lukas Jackson speaks out about the how he is a rebellious person by not wanting to listen to or follow rules laid out by the prison folks.
Essence: This scene locks in the rebellious nature of Lukas to the audience and how he may not be easy to get along with.
Scene 3: Ext: Prison Yard Fight
Logline: Lukas fist fights the prison “Leader” Dragline when he doesn’t conform to the leaders wishes.
Essence: Lukas gets the snot beaten out of him but shows the characteristic of not giving up. This shows courage and willingness to take on anyone and fight to the death. This adds a deeper dimension to the character. Rebellious and courageous to stand up for himself.
Scene 4: Int: Prison
Logline: Lukas takes on the impossible task of eating 50 eggs in one hour.
Essence: This scene elevates Lukas into a prison hero when he eats the 50 eggs in one hour. The rest of the prisoners look to him as their leader.
Scene 5: Ext: Prison yard at “The Box”
Logline: Lukas is put in the small wooden box used to punish prisoners because the news of his mothers death might move him to try and escape to go to the funeral.
Essence: Lukas feels this is yet another injustice in his life since he didn’t break any rules. His angry rebellious nature and his courage drives him to escape the camp. And to continue to escape even when he is recaptured.
Note to teacher: I apologize for the late entry. My computer settings (VPN) would not allow access to the website materials when I didn’t receive them in email form. I will catch up as quickly as possible. Thanks
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Rick Whitney
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hello,
I’m Rick Whitney and I have written 22 feature scripts and one One-Act.
I have submitted my scripts to various contests, had talent manager notes for most of them, and I have done well but it hasn’t been quite been enough to put me to the head of the class. I hope to move the bar higher with this class.
I have written in several genres but I find my self comfortable in the science fiction / horror genres most likely since my education is in Geology and I am a retired Environmental Consultant moving head long into my second career.
I look forward to working with you folks.
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R Whitney Monster track
What I learned: Better track of the monster to hold the terror
A. Who is your monster and what is their terror?
Powers? Large, powerful, relentless, difficult for bullets to penetrate
Limitations? forest cover
Weaknesses? freezing, weak neck, poison, disease
Plan/Purpose/Appetite? It eats anything and multiplies.
B. Sequence the reveals.
The pets are missing
The first attack is heard but not seen in the lab
The second attack only shows the powerful front arms grabbing the victim
The third attack reveals the whole monster
Act 3 shows how they uncharacteristically aid each other
C. Create Demand for each clue/reveal.
The third killing show how the scientist uses her knowledge of the creature to attack it at it’s weak neck
The next attack shows how they are bullet resistant
The scientist remembers how in nature these monsters are susceptible to disease
2. Lay that over your current outline and fill in each clue/reveal using the tag “Monster Reveal:.”
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I kind of thought I could get a higher intensity during a war scene when the gloves come off and rules are few. I also wanted to use truth serum to up the interest.