[Pamela Rice]

Thanks for your response, Eugene! I hope that they eventually will post the missing lessons (11-14) or email them to us.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

This is a message to the group. I was in ROMANTIC COMEDY CLASS #1.
Has anyone seen Lessons 11 through 14? I have reached out to Customer Service a number of times regarding this.
I would love to see these lessons posted. Thanks!

[Pamela Rice]

Hi,
When will Lessons 11-14 be posted online? I’d love to finish the class.
Many thanks,
Pam

[Pamela Rice]

I, Pamela Rice, agree to the terms of this release form.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Structure Solutions
I did it, I finally got to Module 6!
What I learned: I needed to rework my Outline in order for the structure, scenes and beats to work better. This felt exhausting, but worth it. On to the next lesson. :0)

[Pamela Rice]

PAM HAS FINISHED ACT 4!
What I learned: I had so many scenes in Act 4 that I didn’t know all the answers for, so it was hard for me to push through to the finish line. But one thing that helped me keep moving: setting a timer and just writing whatever came to my head, and letting that be okay.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM STARTED ACT 4
What I learned: Such a relief to get to this point. Was feeling a little anxious about getting behind. I can now see that I’m not that far off from starting MODULE 6. Whew!

[Pamela Rice]

PAM FINISHED UP ACT 3
What I learned: It was so satisfying to finally push past my procrastination and make it to the start of ACT 4. Yeehaw! I can feel the wind in my face now…

[Pamela Rice]

PAM CONTINUES ACT 3
What I learned: I gained more momentum as I kept moving ahead. REALLY looking forward to starting ACT 4.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM BEGAN ACT 3
What I learn from this assignment: So excited to make it to this point. My high-speed writing has been more of a slog, but still faster than what I have been able to do before this class.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S COMPLETED ACT 2
What I learned: I’m still only writing 3 pages a day, but important thing is to not get stalled out. I’m so glad I’m ready to start Act 3!

[Pamela Rice]

PAM CONTINUES ACT 2

What I learned: I am slowly learning to accept imperfections — and not knowing all the answers — in my writing.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM BEGAN ACT 2
What I learned: I did not really like writing with a timer, but pushed myself to work this way. It is a process!

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S FINISHED ACT 1
What I learned: Am still not able to do 6-10 pages a day, but plodding along with my 3 pages a day.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S NEXT ACT 1 SCENES
What I learned: I def. was not able to do 6-10 pages a day! But still able to do 3 :0)

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S ACT 1 FIRST DRAFT – PART 1
What I learned from assignment. I am writing faster than I used to, but was not able to write 3-5 pages a day — only 3 at the most.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S HIGH-SPEED WRITING RULES
My One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.

What I learned from assignment: I am learning to write faster, without knowing all the answers.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S FIRST SCENE
My One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.
What I learned from assignment: Learning to write in rough drafts goes against my instincts. I want to clean up my writing, but am forcing myself to trust the process.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S SCENE REQUIREMENTS

What I learned: Wow, this was a lot of work! But hopefully worth the effort as we head into Module 5. I have so any scenes (over 50), so I just posted the first and last scenes in each act.

– – – – – ACT 1

INT. MORGUE – NIGHT/DAY (2 scenes)
A Mortician checks in the corpse of a middle-aged man. Slides him in a drawer. The next morning he sees that the face is now of a much older man.
Scene Arc: A mortician checks in a middle-aged man which turns into an elderly man overnight.
Objective: We immediately know something is wrong with the corpse, having to do with aging process.
Conflict: The rapid aging is not normal.
Subtext: The mortician is horrified.
Hope/fear:

INT. EVE’S HOUSE (OR BAR) – NIGHT
EVE feigns enthusiasm when friends jump out to wish her a happy 50th birthday, then slowly begins to melt down.
Scene Arc: Eve goes from being pleasant to unhinged.
Objective: To show Eve is having a mid-life crisis.
Conflict: Eve does not appreciate all the attention surrounding her age.
Subtext: Eve would have preferred to be alone this evening.
Hope/fear: We hope she’ll enjoy the party. We fear things are headed for disaster.

INT. HOME DEPOT – NIGHT
Concerned that her home may be mouse-infested, Eve stops at Home Depot. She gets into a lively conversation with HENRY, a charming employee who helps her pick out traps. Sparks fly between them.
Scene Arc: From routine store visit to a nice surprise: Eve’s new chance at romance.
Objective: “When Eve meets Henry.” A meet-cute over mouse traps!
Conflict: Eve senses the mutual attraction, but is not quite ready — so she deflects Henry’s advances.
Subtext: Both are interested in more than just the mousetraps.
Hope/fear: We hope the two go out; we fear Eve’s night-cream use may cause some issues.

– – – – – ACT 2
INT. AD AGENCY – DAY
Jessica visits Eve at the agency for an initial review of her product’s branding and creative.
Scene Arc: From Eve being proud of her work to disappointment at Jessica’s response.
Essence: Eve is in charge of the LeZarde account.
Conflict: Eve and Jessica are at odds re: the creative direction for the ads, but Eve agrees to rework the ads based on Jessica’s feedback.
Subtext: Eve is uncomfortable with the creative direction that Jessica wants to take the ads.
Hope/fear: We hope Eve has not sold her soul to the devil.

Scene Arc: From fear of the unknown to horror over the known.
INT. EVE’S HOUSE – NIGHT/DAY (2 scenes)
Eve sets up a video camera, then ties herself to her bed. In the morning, the video replay confirms that she transformed into a Reptilian. She tosses out her remaining supply of night cream. (Does Uncle Hank snag the supply?)
Objective: To give Eve proof, to bring us into her shift in ACT 3.
Conflict: Once she has proof of the side effects, she’ll have to stop using the night cream.
Subtext: Eve thinks she has been turning into a Reptilian.
Hope/fear: We hope Eve does not turn into a Reptilian, we fear that she will.

– – – – – ACT 3

Scene Arc: From a prestige client visit to Eve’s getting fired.
INT. AD AGENCY – DAY (2 scenes)
Jessica visits the agency for a creative update. Eve confronts Jessica about the night cream’s secret ingredient, which ends up in an argument. Jessica drops Eve’s agency, causing Eve’s boss to fire Eve.
Objective: To show Eve’s change in attitude re: night cream & Jessica
Conflict: Eve accuses Jessica of selling a dangerous product; Jess denies. Jess threatens Eve?
Subtext: Jessica is lying.
Hope/fear: We hope Eve will win this battle; we fear she won’t.

INT. EVE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Eve studies her reflection. She’s aging back to 50. Starts a new self-portrait.
Scene Arc: From disappointed to determined/self-acceptance.
Objective: To show Eve’s personal growth.
Conflict: Giving up the night cream causes Eve to give up her youthful look.
Subtext: Eve accepts who she is.
Hope/fear: We hope Eve will be ok.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

McVey discovers that Jessica used to live in the same town as the body in woods. And the victim is none other than the wife of Jessica’s Ex!
Scene Arc: An interesting coincidence sheds more suspicion on Jessica.
Objective: To show McVey closing in.
Conflict: McVey still has no real proof to arrest Jessica.
Subtext: There has to be a connection here.
Hope/fear: We hope McVey can find more evidence to stop Jessica.

– – – – – ACT 4
Scene Arc: Guests dismount the boat and head to gazebo area for hors d’oeuvres.
EXT. ISLAND – SHORE – DAY (Multiple locations)
Guests arrive for the wedding of Zivia and Tucker (need to intro him somewhere).
Objective: A festive mood sets the stage for horror to follow.
Conflict: ?
Subtext: Something really bad’s about to happen.
Hope/fear: We fear shit is going to go sideways after dark.

INT. TV STATION – DAY
Zivia’s replacement anchor reports on the horrific events.
Scene Arc: From a hard news story to light and fluffy.
Objective: Life goes on in Evergreen Heights.
Conflict: Many lives ruined over the night cream.
Subtext: Zivia has been fired.
Hope/fear: We hope the danger from Reptilians is really over.

Scene Arc: From putting the ordeal of the night cream in rear view to Uncle Hank’s secret stash.
SERIES OF SHOTS (Various)
– LeZarde’s facility/store gets shut down. Det. McVey loads cases of the night cream into a van.
– Animal control is at Jessica’s house. They load up “Lizard Borden.”
– A haggered Zivia wears an orange jumpsuit in jail. We see her freaky-looking mug shots.
– Stuart positively I.D.s Zivia as the Reptilian he saw on his property. He’s relieved to get justice for his cat.
Objective: Wrap up with a hint of impending danger.
Conflict: The victories are bittersweet.
Subtext: All is not as safe as everyone thinks.
Hope/fear: We secretly hope more danger is to follow.

LOOSE ENDS/FINAL IMAGE: Work Old Uncle Hank into the outline, and show his relationship with Jessica? Perhaps he’s the one that steals the last case of night cream? Either him or Det. McVey.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S INTRIGUING MOMENTS

What I learned: I may need to add more intriguing moments into Act 4, it looks a little light.
– – – – –

ACT 1
Intrigue: What would cause a corpse to age 20 years overnight?
Intrigue: What are the details re: Jessica’s past?
Mystery: Why does Jessica move from out-of-state to the town of Evergreen Heights?
Secret: Zivia knows about the night cream’s side effects, but doesn’t warn anyone.
Intrigue: What’s the secret ingredient in the anti-aging night cream?
Superior Position: Audience will be the only ones to witness Jessica eating a mouse.

ACT 2
Intrigue: Why are strange things happening around town?
Superior Position: Jessica’s flashback : The audience will learn how Jessica’s Zoologist husband Louis develops the anti-aging night cream using reptile stem cells.
Intrigue: Why does Jessica have a pet Komodo dragon?
Intrigue: What’s up with Stuart’s YouTube video… could an alligator really have abducted his cat?
Secret: Jessica caused her husband to have a fatal heart attack when he suggests they pull the plug on their night cream plan.
Intrigue: Why are night-cream users becoming aggressive after sundown?
Mystery: Is that really a cat’s eyeball that Zivia coughs up?
Mystery: What does a full Reptilian transformation look like?
Mystery: How dangerous are the Reptilians?

ACT 3
Mystery: How can the Reptilians be stopped?
Covert agenda: Jessica wants night cream users to get hooked so that they won’t stop using it when they discover the dangerous side effects. With their endorsements, she can sell her product worldwide and make millions.
Superior Position: Jessica’s flashback: She murders the girlfriend of her Ex-husband, vengeance for their infidelity.
Cover-up: Louis helps her bury the body in the woods.

ACT 4
Secret/Superior Position: Uncle Hank snags a confiscated supply of the night cream for himself after the operation is shut down.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Emotional Moments

What I learned: I may need to increase the intensity on emotional moments other than Surprise, which seems to be my go-to.
– – – – – –

ACT 1
Surprise: A mortician admits a middle-aged looking corpse into a morgue. When he sees the body the next morning, it appears to have aged 20 years!
Wound: The young waitresses at Shenanigan’s restaurant trigger Jessica’s wound re: her first husband’s infidelity with a younger woman.
Surprise: A mouse scurries across the floor at Jessica’s in-home anti-aging skin cream product party. When the guests leave, she eats it!
Hidden weakness: Eve finally admits to Zivia that she and Todd have been broken up for weeks.
Bonding: Eve meets Henry, who works at Home Depot. They form a connection while he advises her on mousetraps.

ACT 2
Surprise: When residents of Evergreen Heights start using the anti-aging night cream, they wake up looking miraculously younger.
Surprise: Jessica has a pet Komodo dragon.
Surprise: Eve finds an unusually large shedded reptile skin in her mudroom.
Excitement: A “cat-fight” breaks out amongst a group of women at a Filene’s Basement night sale.
Surprise: Zivia hacks up a cat’s eyeball during dinner and drinks at Shenanigan’s.
Excitement: Henry is attacked by Reptilians while working late at night.
Distress: Eve’s discovers that the self-portrait she’s been working on has a grotesque, Reptilian face!
Distress: Eve sees a videotape of herself transforming into a Reptilian.

ACT 3
Emotional Dilemma: Eve vows to stop using the night cream, despite her renewed youth. She knows that using it will cause harm to people she cares about, especially Henry. On the other hand, going back to her old appearance will likely make her less attractive to Henry.
Courage: She confronts Jessica knowing she’ll lose her job.
Sacrifice: She enlists the help of a detective to get the proof needed to get the product out of commission and save the town, which tests friendships.
Moral issue: Louis tries to convince Jessica that it would be wrong if they brought their anti-aging night cream to market, since it has dangerous side effects.
Surprise: Zivia was the “alligator” from the YouTube video.
Betrayal: When Eve confronts Zivia about her night cream usage, she learns that she’s been lying to her on several levels. They fight, and Zivia fires Eve as her Maid-of-Honor.

ACT 4
Excitement: At Zivia’s night wedding, a major lizard metamorphosis occurs on the dance floor at midnight. A nasty battle ensues.
Betrayal: Eve and Zivia fight. Eve manages to capture Zivia in a net, knowing she will be arrested.
Excitement: Jessica (as a Reptilian) and Eve engage in an epic death battle. Jessica drags her into the water, right before sunrise.
Surprise: As Jessica changes back into a human, we learn she can’t swim! She drowns.
Moral Dilemma: Should Eve try to rescue the human version of the Reptilian who just tried to kill her?
Success/Winning: Eve displays her artwork in a gallery show, Henry by her side. Both Eve and her portrait look her natural age.
Surprise: When the skin cream headquarters get shut down, Uncle Hank secretly snags a case for himself.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S REVEALS

My One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.

What I learned: This exercise felt overwhelming to do, but now that it’s done: I feel like my story is a lot more compelling. I also learned that in many cases, REVEALS are also SETUPS for what’s to follow.
– – – – – –
ACT 1
(SETUP) We see Eve’s boyfriend Todd at dinner with her, then again at her BD party. He comes up in conversations with Eve’s best friend Zivia, where Eve is evasive re: their relationship status. She pretends everything is fine.

SETUP) Eve meets Zivia’s entrepreneur aunt (Jessica LeZarde) at lunch. She just moved from out-of-state to their small town of Evergreen Heights. She invites them to a product party.

(SETUP) Young waitresses abound at Shenanigan’s, where Eve, Jessica and Zivia have lunch.
(REVEAL) At lunch, Jessica mentions to them that her first husband cheated on her with a much younger woman.

(SETUP) Jessica promotes her new anti-aging night cream, and plans to test it here. She gives out samples. We notice she has really long fingernails. She tells her guests that her night cream is unlike anything they’ve tried before — it will actually work! Their secret ingredient allows for advanced exfoliation, giving users renewed skin daily.

(SETUP) A mouse startles her party guests.
(REVEAL) Jessica catches and eats it after her guests leave.

(REVEAL) Eve reveals to Zivia that Todd broke up with her weeks ago.

ACT 2
(SETUPS) Strange things happen around town without explanation: Night cream users develop assorted reptilian behaviors, such as waking up in a bathtub, hissing “S” sounds, changes in appetites. Several cats around town have gone missing.

(SETUP/FLASHBACK) A frustrated Jessica wishes for an effective anti-aging skin cream. We meet her husband.
(REVEAL) We recognize him as the corpse from the opening: it’s Jessica’s second husband, Louis, a much older man.

(SETUP) A man (Stuart) claims an alligator abducted his cat. He posts a YouTube video from his yard that shows a partial image of an escaping reptile (showing its tail and leg only).

(REVEAL/FLASHBACK) Louis helps Jessica develop her skin cream. He’s a Zoologist, and we see caged large snakes and a lizard in his lab. It’s his idea to use reptile stem cells in his prototype skin cream concoctions.

(SETUP) Jessica catches another mouse, but doesn’t eat it.
(REVEAL) Jessica has a pet Komodo dragon, which she feeds the mouse to.

(SETUP) Eve finds a giant shedded reptile skin in her mudroom. She Googles the weaknesses of reptiles: they are frightened and/or repelled by pepper spray and loud noises. She discusses this with Henry (her new friend/love interest from Home Depot).

(SETUP/FLASHBACK) Jessica first tests the night cream on herself, and becomes aware of the dangers. (Include Exposition here re: Louis stating the dangerous effects of the night cream vs. Jessica’s justification that it’s manageable).

(REVEAL) At the local Filene’s Basement night sale, we see women becoming aggressive (and have longer fingernails) after sundown.

(SETUP/FLASHBACK CONT’D) Jessica murders a woman while in a Reptilian state. Louis helps her bury the body in the woods.

(REVEAL) During dinner and drinks with Eve, Zivia coughs up what looks like a cat’s eyeball.

(REVEAL) Henry is in a battle for his life during a freaky Home Depot “Reptilian attack” late at night in. He uses some of Eve’s “reptile tips” to defend himself (along with a chainsaw!)
(REVEAL) Eve is shocked when she sees what’s happened to her self-portrait for art class: it has the grotesque face of a reptile!

(SETUP) Concerned, Eve ties herself up in bed at night and sets up a video.

(REVEAL) Eve plays the video in the morning, which confirms her reptilian transformation.</font>

ACT 3
(REVEAL) Eve reveals her courageous side by discarding the night cream and vowing to get it out of circulation. Her older Uncle Hank snags the night cream out of her trash.
(REVEAL) She returns to her normal (but older-looking) self within a few days.

(SETUP) Eve confronts Jessica re: the dangers of her product. She demands she stop sales.
(SETUP) Eve warns Zivia about the night cream’s danger. Zivia appears not to believe her.

(REVEAL) Jessica has big plans, however. She wants to expand skin cream sales and market her product nationally, then worldwide (and make billions)!

(SETUP/FLASHBACK) Louis tells Jessica that he wants to pull the plug on their anti-aging skin cream products. Jessica kills him in a fit of rage.

(SETUP) Jessica discredits Eve by offering full refunds to customers with complaints about their night cream, in exchange for product returns. No one comes forward!
(REVEAL) Jessica has succeeded with her hidden agenda: night-cream users are locked in to their youthful appearances by day, so they won’t stop using it when they discover the product’s dangerous nocturnal side-effects.

(SETUP) Detective McVey hears about an out-of-state woman’s body found in the woods. It has similar wounds to the victims of the Home Depot “reptile attack.”
(REVEAL) Jessica used to live in that town. The dead woman is Jessica’s ex’s young wife.

ACT 4
(REVEAL) Eve discovers a shocking detail when she takes another look at Stuart’s YouTube video: the “alligator” is wearing Zivia’s ankle bracelet.

(REVEAL) Eve confronts Zivia and we realize she’s known all along about her Reptilian transformation, but won’t stop using it. Not so close to her wedding!
(REVEAL) Reptilians can be captured in a net. They can be killed by bullets or a sharp tool. And even though they can swim, Reptilians will drown when returning back to their human self at sunrise.

(REVEAL) Jessica has drowned.

(SETUP) Police confiscate night cream supplies from LeZarde HQ and shut the operation down.

(REVEAL) Uncle Hank keeps a stash for himself.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S CHARACTER ACTION TRACKS

My One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy,
successful life as a writer and industry professional.

What I learned: I found this exercise to be difficult but useful, since I mostly have been relying on dialogue to showcase core traits.
– – – – – –

ACT 1
Opening/HORROR: Mortician checks in a corpse of a middle-aged man. Slides him in a drawer.
The next morning he is unsettled when he pulls out the corpse for cremation, but the face is of a much older man.

PRO-JY1: At her house, EVE feigns enthusiasm when friends jump out to wish her a happy 50th birthday, then slowly begins to melt down.

Next day: Eve’s boss at the ad agency stops by to let her know the Creative Director promotion went to a newer, younger guy. Eve tries to impress boss with some of her innovative ideas for their clients, which backfires.

PRO-JY2: At lunch with her best friend (and local TV host) ZIVIA, Eve reluctantly admits that her boyfriend broke up with her yesterday. Zivia consoles her by asking her to be her Maid-of-Honor.

ANT-JY1: Eve meets Zivia’s Aunt JESSICA LeZarde, who just moved to their town (Evergreen Heights). Zivia tells Jessica that she’s sorry for her loss, “Louis was a good man.” The youthful wait staff prompts Jessica to angrily bring up her first husband’s infidelity with a younger woman. Eve empathizes with her, and names things that older women are better at.

COMEDY: (Set-up) Zivia finds a hair in her soup. While Zvia demands that all meals be comped, Eve tactfully tells the staff it’s no problem. The wait staff comply with Zivia, but loathe her.

Inciting Incident: LeZarde Skin Cream party in Jessica’s home, which Zivia ropes Eve into attending.
Jessica does a hard-sell for her product line.

Eve buys an Anti-Aging starter kit. Eve pitches Jessica her agency.

HORROR: During the party, a mouse scurries across the floor. All the guests scream, while Jessica remains oddly calm. Jessica tells them “it’s just that time of year.” After her guests leave, Jessica finds and eats the mouse.

Concerned that her home may be infested, Eve stops at Home Depot. She gets into a lively conversation with HENRY, a charming employee who helps her pick out traps. Sparks fly between them.

TP1: Eve, her friends, and neighbors start using the Anti-Aging night cream.
DEEPER LAYER: The product’s secret exfoliating ingredient (reptile stem cells) will cause users to unknowingly transform into Reptilians each night while they sleep, turning back to normal at sunrise.

ACT 2
PRO-JY3: Eve becomes the lead designer for the LeZarde account, but with mixed feelings. She looks younger by the day, but senses something’s off with both the night cream and Jessica.

ANT-JY: As Jessica reviews some ad mock-ups on her computer, it triggers a FLASHBACK. She angrily throws a beauty magazine in the trash, disgusted that “all of the skin cream ads are lies.” Her husband and Zoologist, LOUIS, retrieves the mag.
REVEAL: He is the same man as corpse we saw in Opening.

Louis stumbles across the iconic “Later Alligator” skin cream ad, which sparks an idea. Weeks later, Jessica visits him at his lab, amongst caged reptiles (snakes, alligators, lizards). She is initially frightened — and repelled — when he presents her with his skin cream concoctions, which contain reptile stem cells for enhanced exfoliation. The sound of a triggered mousetrap ends the Flashback.

HORROR: Jessica grabs the trap. We think she’s going to snack on the fresh catch, but she heads into her garage, which is home to a large monitor lizard (Lizard Borden). She tosses her the treat.

HINTS1: Eve finds a very large shedded reptile skin in her laundry room. Creeped out, she heads back to Home Depot. Henry is pleased to see her again.

PRO-JY4: With her renewed youthful appearance, Eve is inspired to pursue one of her youthful dreams: she signs up for a fine-art painting class. Her homework is a self-portrait. She also works out and swims at her health club.

HORROR: Abstract images: Reptilian eyes in the night. A flickering, forked tongue hisses.

HINTS2/COMEDY: During a dramatic presentation at the ad agency, Eve can’t stop hissing her “S” words. It’s rather embarrassing.

ANT-JY2: With the rave reviews coming in from the night cream test subjects, Jessica is able to expand her product sales distribution and raise prices. She broadcasts an infomercial on social media, and is a guest star on Zivia’s morning show.

HINTS3: Behavior changes around town: Night cream users (mostly middle-aged women) have longer fingernails. They become more aggressive after sundown.

COMEDY: Filene’s Basement Annual Bridal Sale, at night within locked doors. Zivia, Eve and dozens of other women shop for discounted designer gowns. The claws really come out!

COMEDY: A town resident (STUART) posts a YouTube video that shows what looks like an alligator’s tail and back leg slinking into his shrubbery. He goes to police with a claim that a Reptilian abducted his cat. DETECTIVE MAXINE MCVEY is assigned to the case.

COMEDY: (Callback) To the dismay of wait staff, Eve and Zivia return to the same restaurant for dinner and drinks. Zivia hacks up some fur and a cat’s eyeball. When she raises a fuss, the staff suspect they are being set-up for more comps. Zivia and Eve are thrown out.

In her car alone, Eve considers stopping at Home Depot to see Henry.

HORROR/COMEDY: Home Depot fight scene between Henry and 2-3 late shoppers-turned-Reptilians. Henry literally uses every tool in his arsenal to ward them off as they go from aisle to aisle. Both Henry and one of the Reptilians are seriously injured.

HORROR/HINTS4: Eve wakes up in the morning curled up in her bathtub — naked — with no idea how she got there. She becomes more upset when she learns that Henry is in the hospital after a bizarre “reptile break-in” and attack at Home Depot.

TP2/Midpoint: Eve is even more horrified when she sees her completed self-portrait — it has a grotesque face of a reptile! Could she have been one of the attacking Reptilians in Home Depot?! She checks her Ring doorbell video, relieved to see her coming home right after the restaurant, without leaving again.

Worried about what’s been happening around town (and to herself), Eve heads to Zivia’s place. Zivia assures her the portrait is only the “vivid imagination of an artist.”

Eve visits Henry in hospital. He’s scratched-up, head bandaged. He smiles when he sees her. Simultaneously, several women are being discharged from the hospital with superficial wounds.

MAJOR REVEAL: That evening, Eve sets up a video camera, then ties herself to her bed. In the morning, her worst fears are confirmed: the night cream turns users into Reptilians while they sleep. She tosses out her remaining supply. (Does Uncle Hank snag the supply?)

ACT 3
PRO-JY4: Eve visits Jessica with a new creative direction for her anti-aging cream: the ad mockups show models with Reptilian faces! Jessica is outraged and denies her products’ side effects. She fires Eve’s agency, and Eve’s boss is close to firing Eve, who thinks she has finally lost it.
Eve vows to get the night cream out of circulation. She enlists the help of Det. McVey.
PRO-JY: Eve starts a new self-portrait.

ANT-JY: As Eve warns folks about the night cream’s side effects, Jessica discredits her. She offers full refunds to anyone with complaints, in exchange for product returns (But no one comes forward).
FLASHBACK2/ANT-JY: MONTAGE showing the development of the night cream, from early days’ success to a heated argument with Louis. “For God’s sake, things have gone too far!” An outraged Jessica causes him to have a fatal heart attack.

REVEAL: Eve re-watches the “Alligator” YouTube video and notices something shiny on the creature’s ankle. She zooms in closely and gasps. It’s Zivia’s ankle bracelet!

TP3: When Eve confronts Zivia, she discovers that she never stopped using the night cream. They get into a heated argument. Zivia “fires” Eve as her Maid-of-Honor, replaces her with Jessica.

INTRIGUE: Out of state, a woman’s body is found in the woods, all scratched-up, throat slit. The case catches Det. McVey’s attention. Wounds are similar to Home Depot victims.

ANT-JY: Det. McVey questions Jessica re: the night cream’s side effects. Jessica deflects all of the accusations, insisting there’s no proof. Det. McVey shows her Eve’s transformational video, which Jessica claims to be Photoshop’d.

INTRIGUE: McVey discovers that Jessica used to live in the same town as the body in woods. And the victim is none other than the wife of Jessica’s Ex.

ACT 4/CLIMAX
Zivia’s night-time wedding on an island. Det. McVey shows up at the reception to arrest Jessica. At midnight, a major Reptilian metamorphosis amongst guests. Zivia is one nasty BrideZilla! She almost kills her new husband during a slow dance. She kills one or more of her guests before Eve and Det. McVey tie her up. McVey then goes after Jessica.

ANT-JY: Escaping from Det. McVey, Jessica goes after Eve with a vengeance.
PRO-JY5: Jessica and Eve death battle. Jessica drags Eve into the water. As Jessica turns back into a human at sunrise, she drowns. Eve swims to safety.

Resolution:
– Eve and her classmates are at a gallery showing. Eve proudly displays her new self-portrait and true age. Henry is out of the hospital and by her side.
– Det. McVey is at the exhibit. Eve thanks her for all her help in putting an end to the horrors of the night cream.
– LeZarde’s facility/store gets shut down. Det. McVey loads cases of the night cream into a van.
– Animal control is at Jessica’s house. They load up “Lizard Borden.”
– A haggered Zivia wears an orange jumpsuit in jail. We see her freaky-looking mug shots.
– Stuart positively I.D.s Zivia as the Reptilian he saw on his property. He’s relieved to get justice for his cat.
– A replacement morning show anchor reports on the horrific events.
– Later in the McVey home: we see Det. McVey in front of a mirror. She reaches into a case of the night cream and pulls out a jar. Massages the cream onto her face. Final image: she goes into her bedroom and locks the door.

LOOSE ENDS: Work Old Uncle Hank into the outline, and show his relationship with Jessica. Perhaps it’s Uncle Hank that steals the final supply of night cream?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S BEAT SHEET – DRAFT1

What I learned: We are really getting into the nitty gritty now! This feels overwhelming, but will take it one step at a time.
– – – – – – – –

COLD-BLOODED BEAUTY (Horror/Comedy)

ACT 1
Opening/HORROR: Police look at photo of a young woman’s corpse. They make a follow up call to the coroner re: their “Jane Doe.” The coroner informs them they only have one body, that of an old woman.

REVEAL: A close-up shows us it’s the same person, but now with an old woman’s face.

PRO-JY1: EVE is surprised at home by guests there to celebrate her 50th birthday.
PRO-JY2: At lunch, Eve’s best friend (and local TV host) ZIVIA invites Eve to be her Maid-of-Honor. Eve accepts. Eve also meets Zivia’s Aunt JESSICA.
ANT-JY1: The young waitresses prompt Jessica to bring up her first husband’s “fling.” She also shares that her husband’s (LOUIS LEZARDE) battle with Cancer is not going well.
COMEDY: (Set-up) Zivia finds a hair in her soup. Demands all lunches be comped. The wait staff loathe her, but politely comp the meals.
Inciting Incident: Zivia hosts a LeZarde Skin Cream party for Jessica, the company’s founder. Eve has been roped into attending, and buys a night cream starter kit.
HORROR: During the party, a mouse scurries across the floor. All the guests scream, while Jessica remains oddly calm. After her guests leave, she finds and eats the mouse.

TP1: Eve, her friends and neighbors begin to use the anti-aging night cream.
DEEPER LAYER: The product’s secret exfoliating ingredient (reptile stem cells) causes users to unknowingly transform into Reptilians while they sleep, turning back into humans at sunrise.

ACT 2
PRO-JY3: Eve looks younger by the day, but senses something’s off with both the night cream and Jessica. At work, she’s the lead ad designer for the LeZarde account, but with mixed feelings.

(Add in somewhere:) Live reptiles in lab cages. Early days of Louis’ product development and harvesting stem cells. Figure out: where are the reptiles currently kept?

HINTS1: Eve finds a shedded, human-size reptile skin in her laundry room. She heads to Home Depot for a trap?

PRO-JY4: With her renewed youthful appearance, Eve is inspired to pursue one of her youthful dreams: She signs up for a fine art painting class. Her homework: a self-portrait.

HORROR: Close-up images: Reptilian eyes in the night. A flickering and hissing forked tongue.

HINTS2/COMEDY: During a presentation at the ad agency, Eve can’t help but hiss her “S” sounds. It’s rather embarrassing.

ANT-JY2: With the rave reviews coming in from the night cream test subjects, Jessica is able to expand her product sales distribution and raise prices. She broadcasts an infomercial on social media, and is a guest star on Zivia’s morning show.

ANT-JY3: Jessica shares the good news with her husband, Louis. She reassures him that she has stopped using it (or that the cream no longer contains the reptile stem cells). They snuggle in bed until he falls asleep. Jessica quietly goes in another room and locks the door.

HINTS3: Behavior changes around town: Night cream users (mostly women) have longer fingernails.
They become more aggressive after sundown.

COMEDY: Filene’s Basement Annual Bridal Sale, at night within locked doors. Zivia, Eve and dozens of other women shop for discounted designer gowns. The claws really come out!

HORROR/COMEDY: A town resident posts a YouTube video that shows what looks like an alligator’s tail and back leg slinking into his shrubbery. He goes to police with claim that it abducted his cat. DETECTIVE MAXINE MCVEY is assigned to the case.

HORROR/COMEDY: To the dismay of wait staff, Eve and Zivia return to the same restaurant for dinner and drinks. Zivia hacks up a cat’s eyeball. When she raises a fuss, the staff suspect they have been set-up for more comps. Zivia and Eve are thrown out. Afterwards, Eve has a few more drinks at home, alone.

HORROR: Eve wakes up in the morning curled up in her bathtub — naked — with no idea how she got there.

TP2/Midpoint: Eve is horrified when she sees her completed self-portrait — it has the face of a reptile! Worried about what’s happening to her (and possibly others), she heads to Zivia’s place. Zivia assures her that it’s only the “vivid imagination of an artist.”

MAJOR REVEAL: That evening, Eve sets up a video camera, then ties herself to her bed. In the morning, her worst fears are confirmed: the night cream turns users into Reptilians while they sleep. She tosses out her remaining supply,

ACT 3
PRO-JY4: Eve confronts Jessica, who denies her products’ side effects. Eve plots to get it out of circulation. She enlists the help of Det. McVey.

ANT-JY: As Eve warns folks about her product’s side effects, Jessica discredits Eve by publicly inviting customers to come forward with any complaints. She offers full refunds in exchange for product returns. (No one comes forward!)

INTRIGUE: Police discover that the unidentified corpse is HANNAH, former research assistant for the LeZardes.

REVEAL: Eve re-watches the “Alligator” video and notices something shiny on the creature’s ankle. She zooms in closely and gasps. It’s Zivia’s ankle bracelet!

TP3: When Eve confronts Zivia, she discovers that she never stopped using the night cream. They get in a heated argument. Zivia “fires” Eve as Maid-of-Honor.

PRO-JY5: A discouraged Eve starts a new self-portrait from scratch.
ANT-JY: Det. McVey questions Jessica re: Hannah’s death and the night cream’s side effects. Jessica deflects all of the accusations, insisting there’s no proof. Det. McVey shows her Eve’s video, which Jessica claims to be Photoshop’d.

HORROR: Louis LeZarde asks Jessica to sleep with him and end his misery. Jessica realizes he’s known all along that she’s been lying to him about the night cream. We see her transform into a full reptile. She strangles Louis.

ACT 4/CLIMAX
Zivia’s night-time wedding on an island. At midnight, a major Reptilian metamorphosis amongst the guests. Zivia is one nasty BrideZilla! A bloody brawl continues throughout the night.

PRO-JY6: Eve ties up Zivia for her own safety. Jessica and Eve battle. Jessica drags Eve into the water. As Jessica turns back into a human at sunrise, she drowns. Eve swims to safety.

Resolution:
– LeZarde’s facility gets shut down. Det. McVey loads cases of the night cream into a police van.
– A haggered-looking Zivia reports about the events on the evening news.

– Eve and her classmates are at a gallery showing. Eve proudly displays her new portrait and true age. Det. McVey is at the exhibit. Eve thanks her for all her help in putting an end to the horrors of the night cream.
– Later in the McVey home: we see Det. McVey in front of a mirror. She reaches into a case of the night cream and pulls out a jar. Massages the cream onto her face. Final image: she goes into her bedroom and locks the door.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Character Journey Structure

My One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.

What I learned doing assignment: I had not really thought about the story from the Antagonist’s point of view. Doing the exercise gave me new insight into the story.

– – – – – –

(Protagonist) EVE GARDNER – JOURNEY STRUCTURE
She goes from being insecure, vulnerable, and afraid to pursue her dreams to a hero who puts herself out there.

ACT 1: EVE is surprised by guests in her home, there to celebrate her 50th birthday.

Inciting Incident: ZIVIA, Eve’s best friend, hosts a LeZarde Skin Cream party for her Aunt JESSICA, the company’s founder. She ropes Eve into attending, and also asks her to be her Maid-of-Honor. Eve accepts.

TP1: Eve begins to use the anti-aging night cream.

ACT 2: Eve is looking younger by the day, but senses something’s off with both the night cream and with Jessica. At work, she’s the lead ad designer for the LeZarde Skin Cream account, but with mixed feelings.

TP2/Midpoint: Eve discovers that the amazing night cream’s secret ingredient (reptile stem cells) has been turning her and others into nocturnal, reptilian predators while they sleep. She tosses out her remaining supply, then races to warn Zivia.

ACT 3: Eve confronts Jessica, who denies her products’ side effects. Eve plots to get it out of circulation. She enlists the help of a detective (MAXINE).

TP3: Eve discovers that Zivia hasn’t stopped using the night cream. They get in a heated argument. Zivia “fires” Eve as her Maid-of-Honor.

ACT 4/CLIMAX: Zivia’s night-time wedding on an island. At midnight, a major lizard metamorphosis and bloody brawl. Eve ties up Zivia for her own safety. Jessica drags Eve into the water. As Jessica turns back into a human, she drowns. Eve swims to safety.

Resolution: LeZarde’s facility gets shut down. Maxine snags a few cases of night cream for herself.
– – – – – – –

(Antagonist) JESSICA LEZARDE – JOURNEY STRUCTURE
She goes from a wounded victim to a stronger version of herself. She takes her commitment to youth, beauty and wealth to a dangerous extreme.

ACT 1: Jessica finds her husband of 15 years in bed with a much younger woman. (Her Wound). They divorce, leaving Jessica almost penniless.

Inciting Incident: Jessica marries and becomes business partners with Louis LeZarde, an older scientist/entrepreneur who’s been developing skin cream that reverses the effects of aging.

TP1: Initial testing has some disastrous results. Jessica kills research scientist MARGARET. They move to Jessica’s hometown (Evergreen Heights) for a fresh start. Jessica runs the business while her husband’s health is failing.

– – – – – – (The above happens before Main Story begins)

ACT 2: Jessica demonstrates her new, improved skin care line in her niece Zivia’s home.

TP2/Midpoint: With the visibly successful results shown in her test subjects, Jessica is able to expand her product sales distribution and raise prices.

ACT 3: As Eve warns folks about her product’s side effects, Jessica must go on the offensive. She discredits Eve by publicly inviting folks to come forward with proof, and offers customers money back in exchange for product returns. (No one comes forward)

TP3: A detective is closing in on Jessica. She is questioned re: product side effects as well as Margaret’s death. She deflects all of the negative accusations.

ACT 4/CLIMAX: Jessica looks stunning at Zivia’s night-time wedding (on a remote island). All hell breaks loose after midnight when guests transform into reptilians, with Jessica at the center of it all. Jessica captures Eve and drags her into the water where a battle to the death ensues.

Resolution: Jessica drowns as she turns back into a human.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Supporting Characters

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.
What I learned from doing this assignment: the value of assessing supporting characters’ true worth ahead of time, before including them in my script.
– – – – –

COLD-BLOODED BEAUTY (Horror/Dark Comedy)
HIGH CONCEPT: A middle-aged artist tests an amazing new anti-aging night cream, unaware that its secret ingredient — reptile stem cells — is turning herself and her neighbors into reptilian predators while they sleep.

Protagonist: EVE GARDNER
CHARACTER’S JOURNEY: She goes from being insecure, vulnerable, and afraid to pursue her dreams to a hero who puts herself out there.
– – – – – –

SUPPORTING & BACKGROUND CHARACTERS
Supporting Characters: Zivia (Triangle Character), Henry, Uncle Hank, Maxine

Background Characters: Eve’s ex, bartender, waitstaff,
birthday party guests, Eve and Zivia’s co-workers, research scientist, Louis LeZarde, wedding guests, Filene’s Basement shoppers.

ZIVIA
Role: Eve’s best friend since high-school. Local TV host. Eve’s sounding board.
Main purpose: Triangle Character. A catalyst to send Eve on her journey.
Value: Shows a different POV re: the cost of youthful beauty. Goes to a negative extreme that our protagonist ultimately won’t go to. Brings out Eve’s arc.

HENRY
Role: Eve’s love interest
Main purpose: He is instrumental in Eve’s arc, and is the opposite of her ex.
Value: Eve’s affection for him helps her to ultimately do the right thing re: use of the anti-aging beauty regimen: she doesn’t trust herself around him after midnight.

UNCLE HANK
Role: Eve’s older uncle, who went to high school with Jessica LeZarde (Antagonist).
Main purpose: He’s an old codger who compares himself to Eve at her birthday party, which she finds repulsive. He initially poses a threat to Jessica, then falls for her.
Value: His relationship with Jessica shows us a different side of her. His use of the anti-aging night cream makes it more than just a “woman’s product.”

MAXINE
Role: The detective who’s investigating the strange goings-on around town.
Main purpose: She becomes one of Eve’s allies in the mission to stop LeZarde Cosmetics.
Value: She may be the only one who can save Eve. She also provides a surprise-twist ending.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Character Profiles Part 2

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.
What I learned from doing this assignment: how to add the final elements into my lead character profiles.
– – – – – –

COLD-BLOODED BEAUTY (Horror/Dark Comedy)
HIGH CONCEPT: A middle-aged artist tests an amazing new anti-aging night cream, unaware that its secret ingredient — reptile stem cells — is turning herself and her neighbors into reptilian predators while they sleep.

EVE GARDNER – Protagonist
7. Character Subtext: Eve uses politeness to cover up feelings of insecurity.
8. Character Intrigue: (Unspoken Wound) She plays down how badly she was hurt by her boyfriend breaking up with her on her birthday.
9. Flaw: She overcompensates to cover-up her insecurities regarding her age.
10. Values: Creativity
11. Character Dilemma: Being beautiful vs. “selling soul to the devil.”

JESSICA LEZARDE – Antagonist
7. Character Subtext: Jessica lures and seduces her prey (her customers) with the promise of eternal beauty.
8. Character Intrigue: (Conspiracy) She has a secret plan to get customers hooked on her anti-aging night cream long before they discover the ugly truth.
9. Flaw: Overdoing things — greed causes her to go too far with her evil plan
10. Values: Wealth
11. Character Dilemma: Greed vs. hurting the few people she cares about

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Character Profiles Part 1

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.
What I learned from doing this assignment: It’s easy to feel overwhelmed with all of these moving parts, but am taking it one step at a time.

COLD-BLOODED BEAUTY (Horror/Dark Comedy)
HIGH CONCEPT: A middle-aged artist tests an amazing new anti-aging night cream, unaware that its secret ingredient — reptile stem cells — is turning herself and her neighbors into reptilian predators while they sleep.
– – – – – –
Protagonist: EVE GARDNER
CHARACTER’S JOURNEY: She goes from being insecure, vulnerable, and afraid to pursue her dreams to a hero who puts herself out there.

ACTOR ATTRACTORS:
1. Why an actor would want this role: She undergoes several amazing transformations throughout the movie, both physically and emotionally. From mousy has-been to a force-to-be-reckoned with.
2. One of the most interesting characters: Does not give in to fountain-of-youth temptation like the rest of the town, once she realizes the dangers.
3. Most interesting actions in the script: She wages war against LeZarde Cosmetics, gathering evidence of the night cream’s danger. She makes an adorable lizard. She paints an amazing self-portrait, that also goes through many transformations.
4. Powerful Introduction: She loses it at her surprise 50th birthday party. She’s a polite person who finally snaps at the culmination of events from a bad day.
5. Emotional range: From a Calm Exterior to Enraged. From Resigned to Inspired.
6. Subtext the actor can play: There is a highly-opinionated, passionate person beneath her polite exterior. Her true feelings sometimes show up in her “graphic imagination” that only Eve and the audience sees.
7. Her most interesting relationships:
– With Zivia, her best friend since high school, who always seems to outshine her.
– With Henry, the new love interest she meets in the Home Depot where he works.
8. How unique voice is presented: Through politeness and creativity (she sees things differently than most).
9. Special and unique: She ultimately “re-designs” herself, without the use of the anti-aging night cream.
– – – – – –

FIRST 6 PARTS OF CHARACTER PROFILE:
1. Role in the Story: Protagonist / Washed-up graphic designer in a midlife crisis
2. Age range & Description: EVE just turned 50, but will deny it if asked. She wears clothes that are too young for her, without the confidence to pull it off.
3. Core Traits: Unconfident, Desperate, Polite, Creative
4. Motivation; Want/Need:
– Wants to look & feel young again
– Needs to be relevant, and have the courage to pursue her dreams again
5. Wound: She can’t face being Irrelevant.
6. Likability: She’s nice to her co-workers at the ad agency. She’s concerned about others when she suspects the anti-aging night cream everyone in town is using is dangerous.
Relatability: A younger, less-experienced employee gets promoted over her.
Empathy: When her boyfriend asks her out to a nice restaurant for dinner, she shares her excitement and anticipation beforehand with her best friend, only to have him break up with her (on her birthday!)
– – – – – – –
Antagonist: JESSICA LEZARDE
CHARACTER’S JOURNEY: She’s go from being the town’s beautiful, charismatic stranger to a feared, carnivorous reptilian.

ACTOR ATTRACTORS:
1. Why an actor would want this role: She has many layers: she’s beautiful, greedy, insane… and a part-time Reptilian.

2. One of the most interesting characters: She justifies the carnage she orchestrates by telling herself she’s “making the world a more beautiful place.” She will kill to achieve the riches of her dreams.

3. Most interesting actions in the script: She kills (and covers up the murder of) her cosmetics company’s research scientist. She hosts eerie, bizarre infomercials for her anti-aging product line. Eats mice as appetizers.

4. Powerful Introduction: She gives product demos at a home cosmetics party that seems mostly normal (except for some odd mannerisms that will make sense later), then eats a stray mouse when all the guests leave.

5. Emotional range: From Sophisticated to Carnivorous.

6. Subtext the actor can play: She’s beautiful, cultured and elegant on the surface — pure evil on the inside.

7. Her most interesting relationships:
– She has a volatile relationship with her seemingly much older (and wealthy) husband, Louis LeZarde.
– She hooks up with Eve’s cranky Uncle Hank, who transforms himself for her.
– She uses her niece Zivia, a local TV celebrity, in a number of ways.

8. How unique voice is presented: With a flowery vocabulary, strange metaphors, and her philosophy re: youth and beauty.

9. Special and unique: She has a secret, dark past, but won’t let anything get in the way of her success. She looks like a runway model in her early forties, but she’s really 70.

– – – – – –
FIRST 6 PARTS OF CHARACTER PROFILE:
1. Role in the Story: Antagonist / Greedy Cosmetics Entrepreneur

2. Age range & Description: JESSICA, 40ish, beautiful and fit, with an oddly intense stare. She looks as if she’s afraid to blink, lest she miss something.
3. Core Traits: Poised, Eloquent, Manipulative, Secretive
4. Motivation; Want/Need:
– Wants to be rich beyond wildest dreams
– Needs to be young and beautiful.
5. Wound: She lost her first husband to a younger woman. Louis is her second husband.
6. Likability: She compliments others to boost their confidence. She’s her niece’s mentor.
Relatability: She has the same challenges as other middle-aged adults (struggles with weight, fear of aging, etc). She wants to sell her anti-aging regimens internationally, but does not have much business experience.
Empathy: She cares for her sick husband.

– – – – – – –

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Likeability / Relatability / Empathy

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.
What I learned from doing this assignment: I needed to make my characters more likable!

EVE GARDER – Protagonist

• Likability: She’s concerned about others when she suspects the anti-aging night cream everyone in town is
  using is dangerous. She’s nice to her co-workers at the ad agency.
• Relatability: A younger, less-experienced employee gets promoted over her.
• Empathy: When her boyfriend asks her out to a nice restaurant for dinner, she shares her excitement and
  anticipation beforehand with her best friend, only to have him break up with her (on her birthday!)
  – – – – – –
• JESSICA LEZARDE – Antagonist
• Likability: She wants to help others by sharing her beauty secrets; she is complimentary of others and boosts
  confidence.
• Relatability: she has the same challenges as other middle-aged adults (watching weight, resistance to aging, etc)
• Empathy: She cares for her sick husband.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Character Intrigue

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.
What I learned from doing this assignment: I found this to be challenging, but understand that creating intrigue layers is necessary, and will help prevent OTN dialogue.
– – – – – –

Character Name: EVE GARDNER
Role: Protagonist / Washed-up graphic designer
Areas of Intrigue/Subtext:
Competition: Her friend Zivia has outshone Eve since high school. She’s had enough, and is making it her personal mission to finally out-do her.
Unspoken Wound: She’s having an inner meltdown re: her 50th birthday, but she’s trying to
pretend it’s no big deal.

How will her subtext show up in the movie?
– Eve will try to prove that she is equal to or better than Zivia.
– When Zivia announces her engagement, Eve tells her that her boyfriend Todd most likely will be proposing as well — they’re meeting for a special dinner (where he breaks up with her).
– She starts wearing clothes that are a little too young for her; she flirts with younger men (Zivia’s throw-backs); she starts using “Younger Generation” slang.
– – – – – – –
Character Name: JESSICA LEZARDE
Role: Antagonist/Villain/Cosmetics
Entrepreneur
Areas of Intrigue/Subtext:
Hidden agendas: For financial gain, she wants to get everyone hooked on her anti-aging products before they
discover the ugly truth.
Secrets: She tested the product previously
in another town, with disastrous results.
Secret
Identity: She’s much,
much older than she tells people.

How will her subtext show up in the movie?
– When people assume her husband Louis is her father, she doesn’t always correct them.
– She practically gives her anti-aging night cream away initially, then gradually raises the price.
– She gets out in front of the oncoming side-effects, giving users false reasons as to why strange things are happening around town.
– She lies about where she used to live, lest anyone discover dangerous truths about the secret ingredient used in her night cream.
– – – – – –

Character Name: ZIVIA WEST
Role: Eve’s best friend/Jessica’s
niece/Local TV personality
Areas of Intrigue/Subtext:
Competition: One of the reasons that Eve is
her best friend is that she typically looks that much better when compared
to her. There is an unspoken rivalry between them.
Secrets: She is one of the first people
that discovers the night cream is dangerous, but uses it anyway (since she
looks fantastic).

How will her subtext show up in the movie?
– Zivia and Eve were in the same graduating class, but Zivia considers herself to be younger than Eve, and reminds her of that on Eve’s birthday.
– When people compliment her on her remarkable appearance and ask her how she does it, she claims it’s all from “healthy living and sunscreen.”
– – – – – – –

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Character Subtext

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.
What I learned from doing this assignment: Creating the subtext identities and behaviours for my characters is tricky, so I’m just taking it one step at a time and allowing non-perfect answers.
– – – – – –
Part 1. With your example movie, give us the following answers for the character with the most subtext:

Example Movie Title: HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS
Character Name: Andie Anderson
Subtext Identity: (The Pretender)
An Advice Columnist who pretends to have an annoying personality in her new relationship, just to prove a point for an article she’s working on.
Subtext Traits: Manipulative, Scheming
Subtext Logline: Andie manipulates Ben, purposely sabotaging their budding relationship for her own career advancement.
Possible Areas of Subtext:
– Andie makes Ben miss seeing the final shot in a Knicks game by sending him to get her a soda
– She moves her things into his apartment, gets him a fern plant to represent their relationship.
– Takes him to a Celine Dion concert when he was under the assumption he was going to see a Knicks basketball game.
– Fed up with the project, Andie throws a fit at Ben’s boys’ poker night to finally drive him to break up with her.

– – – – –

Part 2: For your two leads, brainstorm these answers:

Character Name: EVE GARDNER
Subtext Identity: (Overcompensater)
A washed-up graphic designer who’s freaked out that she just turned 50.
Subtext Traits: Polite, Falsely Calm, Evasive
Subtext Logline: Eve is in a midlife crisis, and tries to overcompensate by appearing calmer, more confident than ever. When triggered, she will over-react in the opposite way of what she’s feeling inside. Example: Laughing hysterically at a joke at her expense.
Possible Areas of Subtext:
– Eve plays along when a bartender refers to her as a “Young Lady.”
– She compliments the work of a younger employee who gets promoted over her.
– She hides her work from the 20-somethings in her art class, claiming that “it’s so good, it can only properly be shown in a gallery.”
– – – – – – –

Character Name: JESSICA LeZARDE
Subtext Identity: (Evil Schemer)
A businesswoman who tests her amazing new anti-aging night cream in Eve’s hometown.
Subtext Trait: Seducing, Sneaky, Concealing
Subtext Logline: Jessica is an entrepreneur who will stop at nothing to get her product on the market, despite suspicions of danger.
Possible Areas of Subtext:
– Jessica tricks her niece Zivia into being one of her first test subjects.
– Jessica sweet-talks Zivia into promoting her products on Zivia’s TV station.
– When folks around town notice some strange things happening, she offers up some clever misdirection to take away any suspicions towards her.
– When folks actually figure things out, she justifies their youthful appearances by saying that “we all suffer for our beauty, right?”

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S ACTOR ATTRACTORS!

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.
What I learned from doing this assignment: I realized that I needed to add more layers to my characters, in order to attract actors.
– – – – – – –

EVE GARDNER – Protagonist / Washed-up Graphic Designer in a midlife crisis

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it? She undergoes several amazing transformations throughout the movie, both physically and emotionally. From mousy has-been to a force-to-be-reckoned with.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story? Does not give in to fountain-of-youth temptation like the rest of the town, once she realizes the dangers.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script? She wages war against LeZarde Cosmetics, gathering evidence of the night cream’s danger. She makes an adorable lizard. She paints an amazing self-portrait, that also goes through many transformations.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor? She loses it at her surprise 50th birthday party. She’s a polite person who finally snaps at the culmination of events from a bad day.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range? From a Calm Exterior to Enraged. From Resigned to Inspired.

6. What subtext can the actor play? There is a passionate person beneath her blasé exterior. She is very polite on the surface, but her true feelings show up in her “graphic imagination” (it will appear on screen for the audience, Eve will make mental “edits” like we’re in a Photoshop program.)

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
– With Zivia, her best friend since high school, who always seems to outshine her.
– With Henry, the new love interest she meets in the Home Depot where he works.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented? Through creativity: she sees things differently than most.

9. What could make this character special and unique? She’s ultimately able to reinvent herself, even without the use of the night cream.
She “re-designs” herself.

– – – – – – – –

JESSICA LeZARDE – Antagonist / Greedy Cosmetics Entrepreneur

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
She has many layers: she’s beautiful, greedy, insane… and a part-time Reptilian.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story? She justifies the carnage she orchestrates by telling herself she’s “making the world a more beautiful place.” She will kill to achieve the riches of her dreams.

3. What are the most interesting actions she could take in the script? Eats mice as appetizers. She kills (and covers up the murder of) her company’s research scientist. She hosts eerie, bizarre infomercials for her anti-aging product line.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor? She gives product demos at a home cosmetics party that seems mostly normal (except for some odd mannerisms that will make sense later), then eats a stray mouse when all the guests leave.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range? From Sophisticated to Carnivorous.

6. What subtext can the actor play? She’s beautiful, cultured and elegant on the surface — pure evil on the inside.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
– She has a volatile relationship with her seemingly much older (and wealthy) husband, Louis LeZarde.
– She hooks up with Eve’s cranky Uncle Hank, who transforms himself for her.
– She uses her niece Zivia, a local TV celebrity, in a number of ways.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented? With a flowery vocabulary, strange metaphors, and her philosophy re: youth and beauty.

9. What could make this character special and unique? She has a secret, dark past, but won’t let anything get in the way of her success. She looks like a runway model in her mid-thirties, but she’s really 70.
– – – – – – – –

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.
What I learned from doing this assignment: I’ve seen ZOMBIELAND before, but saw it in a whole new light as I watched for the Actor Attractors.
– – – – – – –

ZOMBIELAND (Dark Comedy/Horror)
Lead Character Name: COLUMBUS (Jesse Eisenberg)

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
This character undergoes a transformation that would take some acting chops to pull it off. He goes from a naïve, cautious nerd who hides behind his rules to a courageous zombie hunter that saves the girl he loves (Wichita).

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
Since he’s the narrator, we get to see things from his unique, witty perspective. We learn about his rules in a comedic way. In the midst of a zombie apocalypse, he’s polite to a fault, and a hopeless romantic.

3. What are the most interesting actions this Lead takes in the movie?
He kills Zombie Bill Murray, he overcomes his fear of clowns and saves Wichita in the finale, he sprays Tallahassee with perfume (knowing he will kick his ass), then apologizes.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
He’s not the biggest A-List star, but he’s the lead in this movie. We start with his humorous account of the current Zombie sitch, along with his Rules. He’s a skinny nerd who defends himself against his next-door neighbor zombie, then apologizes for smashing her foot in the door.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?
Frightened nerd to courageous hero.

6. What subtext can the actor play?
He shows off in front of Tallahassee (Woody) when he can. He inflates his sexual experience, does stretching exercises before they storm the Twinkie truck, etc.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?
With Tallahassee, who becomes more like a big brother as time goes on. With Wichita, who slowly falls for a guy who’s got no game.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
Through polite, intelligent, and witty dialogue.

9. What makes this character special and unique?
He’s a polite, skinny nerd who thrives in a Zombie Apocolypse.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.) The finale scene shows his emotional range (overcomes fear of clowns, shows up as a Hero), the impressive depth of his relationship with Tallahassee (who sets himself up as a human sacrifice so that Columbus can save his girl), and his love for Wichita and Little Rock.
– – – – –

Lead Character Name: TALLAHASSEE (Woody Harrelson)

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
He’s unusual: a bad-ass redneck Zombie Killer with a penchant for Twinkies.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
He’s larger than life — crusty on the surface, with depth that we uncover layer by layer.

3. What are the most interesting actions this Lead takes in the movie?
He’s an expert Zombie killer. He’s on a mission to find the last remaining Twinkies. He sacrifices himself in the finale so that Columbus can save the girls.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
He shows up larger than life, we see his bad-ass truck and boots first. Tough guy with a gun who ends up giving his “prey” a ride. He’s an angry guy who hints at something beneath the surface.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?
From “take-no-prisoners” tough guy to someone who is struggling with the loss of his child.

6. What subtext can the actor play?
He pretends to be tough but shows compassion in his actions.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?
With Columbus, who gets on his nerves, but develops brotherly feelings towards him. With young Little Rock, whom he teaches a thing or 2 (like a father).

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
Through graphic insults, salty language and humor.

9. What makes this character special and unique?
He’s the John Wick of the Zombie Apocolypse. He acts tough as nails, but inside: he’s as soft as the Twinkies he so desperately seeks.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANtuiVojT2U
Tallahassee draws the attention of the zombies so that Columbus can save the girls. He’s a sitting duck inside the snack stand, but do 100 zombies really stand a chance against a bad-ass like Tallahassee?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Genre Conventions

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced hit movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.

What I learned from doing this assignment: I’m not exactly sure where I will build in all my Horror and Comedy conventions. I sprinkled in a few below just to get the ball rolling.
– – – – – –

Concept: COLD-BLOODED BEAUTY (Horror/Dark Comedy)
A graphic designer in a midlife crisis tries an amazing new anti-aging night cream, unaware that its secret ingredient — reptile stem cells — is transforming herself and her neighbors into reptilian predators while they sleep.
– – – – – – –

ACT 1:
Opening: (HORROR) Police follow up with coroner re: a young, “Jane Doe” murder victim they discovered (we see her photo). The coroner tells them that they only have the one body right now, that of an old woman. A close-up reveals it’s the same woman, but she looks like she has aged 30 years.

Inciting Incident: Zivia, a 50ish local TV personality, hosts a LeZarde Cosmetics party for her aunt Jessica, the company’s founder. She ropes Eve into attending, and also asks her to be her Maid-of-Honor. Eve accepts.

(DARK COMEDY) During the party, a mouse runs across the floor, causing all women to scream, except Jessica. After the party, the mouse appears again. Jessica swiftly catches it and eats it.

Turning Point: Eve reluctantly commits to a “Youthful Beauty kit” and agrees to be included in the anti-aging night cream test group as well as Before/After testimonials, despite the fact that she hates attention.

ACT 2: (Old Ways are challenged in Eve’s New World)
New plan: Eve decides to see where the Youthful Beauty kit will take her, and take advantage of her newer, younger self in her career and social situations.
Plan in action:
– She signs up for a fine-art painting class, but walks out when she realizes she is surrounded by talented 20-somethings.
– She asks out a guy at work, but for all the wrong reasons. He declines her invitation.

(DARK COMEDY) *Strange things are happening around town (*shedded reptile skins found in homes, cats go missing, women’s fingernails are unusually long and sharp, aggressive behaviour, people hiss their “S” sounds, etc.) Most of this goes without concern, while everyone’s focused on their own reflections.

(HORROR) Eve gives the art class another chance, which includes a self-portrait assignment that she struggles with. One morning she wakes up from a nightmare and screams when she sees her canvas: her face is that of a hideous reptile.

(DARK COMEDY) A local Filene’s Basement has one of their legendary “Running of the Brides” sales, at night. Zivia, her wedding party, and a crowd of women excitedly show up for big bargains within locked doors. The claws literally come out as they grapple for discounted designer gowns. The scene gets bloody, fast.

Midpoint/Turning Point: (The whole first half of the movie was a con.)
Eve realizes that the night cream, while amazingly effective, has been turning her and others into nocturnal, reptilian predators while they sleep.

ACT 3: (Profound Moments Give Birth to New Ways)
Rethink everything:
– (MONSTER VILLAIN) Eve suspects that Jessica LeZarde must know of the product’s dangerous side effects, but is only interested in the money.
– (DARK COMEDY) Eve grapples with whether or not to continue using the night cream. She looks fantastic and doesn’t want to lose her new, younger man. On the other hand, she’s afraid to spend the night with him.

New plan:
– She decides to stop using the night cream, and plots to get it out of circulation. She plans to go to the police with her suspicions.
– Eve focuses on healthy solutions to her well-being, which include working out and swimming at her health club.

(REVEAL) Police discover the senior “Jane Doe” was a research scientist at LeZarde Cosmetics.

Turning Point: (Huge failure / Major shift)
– She confronts Jessica, who denies that her product is dangerous.
– When Eve warns Zivia, she learns that her friend has known about the night cream dangers for quite some time, and doesn’t want to stop using it. Especially since her wedding is right around the corner. They get into a huge fight. She “fires” Eve as her Maid of Honor and warns her not to cause trouble for her Aunt Jessica.

ACT 4: (New Ways are Shown)
New plan: Eve will secretly gather the proof needed to arrest Jessica and stop distribution of the night cream.

(REVEAL) Eve finds a horrifying video of night-cream user transformation in action on the scientist’s computer.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: (ISOLATION) Big finale at Zivia’s night wedding, on an island. At least a third of the guests have been using the night cream and look amazingly young. But Eve looks beautiful as she shows her true age, with New Guy by her side.

(DARK COMEDY) At midnight, all hell breaks loose on the dance floor: a major lizard metamorphosis. Zivia is one terrifying BrideZilla!

(DEATH) Several deaths in the midst of reptilian carnage, and Zivia almost kills her new husband. After a vicious brawl, Eve manges to tie her up for her own safety. Eve tries to capture Jessica as well, but she escapes. Eve gives chase outside in the gardens.

Resolution:
– At the break of dawn, police confiscate cases of LeZarde’s night cream at the company’s headquarters.
(MORAL STATEMENT) Don’t mess with Mother Nature!

(TORTURE) Jessica drags a severly wounded Eve into the water. Eve is able to free herself and swim to safety.
(DEATH) Jessica drowns as she changes back into a human.
– A police woman secretly keeps a supply of the night cream for herself.
– The facility gets shut down. Zivia is forced to report on the whole scandal on her news hour.
– Eve attends an art gallery exhibit of her work, New Guy at her side. She and her self-portrait look her age. Eve is now comfortable in her own skin.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s 4 Act Transformational Structure

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced hit movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.

What I learned from doing this assignment: I had an old outline for this story from Horror class that did not include the Transformational Journey. I decided to start from scratch and look at it from a fresh perspective.
– – – – – –

Concept: COLD-BLOODED BEAUTY (Horror/Comedy)
A graphic designer in a midlife crisis tries an amazing new anti-aging night cream, unaware that its secret ingredient — reptile stem cells — is transforming herself and her neighbors into reptilian predators while they sleep.

Main conflict: The path that our protagonist chooses to solve her problems is a very dangerous one.
Old ways: Insecure, poor self-image, vulnerable to bad decisions, afraid to pursue dreams
New Ways: Confident, accepts herself, makes courageous moral choices, pursues dreams
– – – – – – –

ACT 1: (Show the Old Ways)
Opening: Eve loses out on a promotion at the ad agency… to an intern. After work, she gets dumped by her boyfriend, who’s been seeing some young bimbo. When she retreats to her home, she’s surprised by guests, including her best friend from high school (a former prom queen) Zivia, there to celebrate her 50th birthday.

Inciting Incident: Zivia, a local TV personality, hosts a LeZarde Cosmetics party for her aunt, the company’s founder. She ropes Eve into attending, and also asks her to be her Maid-of-Honor. Eve accepts.

Turning Point: Eve reluctantly commits to a “Youthful Beauty kit” and agrees to be included in the anti-aging night cream test group as well as Before/After testimonials, despite the fact that she hates attention.

ACT 2: (Old Ways are challenged in Eve’s New World)
New plan: Eve decides to see where the Youthful Beauty kit will take her, and take advantage of her newer, younger self in her career and social situations.
Plan in action:
– She signs up for a fine-art painting class, but walks out when she realizes she is surrounded by talented 20-somethings.
– She asks out a guy at work, but for all the wrong reasons. He declines her invitation.
– Strange things are happening around town. Most of which go unnoticed, while everyone’s focused on their own reflections.

Midpoint/Turning Point: (The whole first half of the movie was a con.)
Eve discovers that the night cream, while amazingly effective, has been turning her and others into nocturnal, reptilian predators while they sleep.

ACT 3: (Profound Moments Give Birth to New Ways)
Rethink everything:
– She suspects that Jessica must know of the product’s dangerous side effects, but is only interested in the money.
– Eve grapples with whether or not to continue use of the night cream. She looks fantastic and doesn’t want to lose her new, younger man. On the other hand, she’s afraid to spend the night with him.

New plan:
– She decides to stop using the night cream, and plots to get it out of circulation. She plans to go to the police with her suspicions.
– Eve focuses on healthy solutions to her well-being, which include working out and swimming at her health club.
– Eve decides to give the art class another chance.

Turning Point: (Huge failure / Major shift)
– She confronts Jessica, who denies that her product is dangerous.
– When Eve warns Zivia, she learns that her friend has known about the night cream dangers for quite some time, and doesn’t want to stop using it. Especially since her wedding is right around the corner. They get into a huge fight. She “fires” Eve as her Maid of Honor and warns her not to cause trouble for her Aunt Jessica.

ACT 4: (New Ways are Shown)
New plan: Eve will secretly gather the proof needed to arrest Jessica and stop distribution of the night cream.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Big finale at Zivia’s night wedding. At least a third of the guests have been using the night cream and look amazingly young. But Eve looks beautiful as she shows her true age, with New Guy by her side. At midnight, all hell breaks loose on the dance floor: a major lizard metamorphosis and subsequent brawl. When Zivia accidently harms her husband, Eve ties her up for her own safety. Eve tries to capture Jessica, but she escapes.

Resolution:
– While police confiscate cases of LeZarde’s night cream at the company’s headquarters, Jessica drags Eve into the water. Eve manages to free herself and swim to safety. Jessica drowns as she changes back into a human.
– A police woman secretly keeps a supply of the night cream for herself.
– The facility gets shut down. Zivia is forced to report on the whole scandal on her news hour.
– Eve attends a gallery showing of her work, New Guy at her side.

– – – – – – –

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S SUBTEXT PLOTS

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into produced, hit movies and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.

What I learned from doing this assignment: the importance of building in subtext plots early on in my script’s planning process.
– – – – – –

COLD-BLOODED BEAUTY (Horror/Comedy)
A middle-aged artist tests an amazing new anti-aging night cream, unaware that its secret ingredient — reptile stem cells — is transforming herself and her neighbors into reptilian predators while they sleep.

Superior Position:
Starting with a few hints, the audience will soon be made fully aware of the dangers of LeZarde Cosmetics’ anti-aging night cream, long before the customers themselves discover it. This should cause the audience to worry about the protagonist, and her friends who use the product, from the get-go.

Major Cover Up:
– LeZarde Cosmetics’ founder, Jessica LeZarde, is aware of her night cream’s potentially dangerous side effects. But she plans to make millions from it, getting users hooked so that they won’t stop using it, even after they discover the ugly truth.
– Customers who use the product despite knowledge of the dangers become part of a secondary cover-up. Can you blame them? C’mon, they look FANTASTIC! They wouldn’t want a few “pesky nocturnal side effects” to get their fountain-of-youth taken off the market.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Transformational Journey

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into movie classics and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.

What I learned from doing this assignment: my protagonist is taking shape like a piece of clay as I add more depth.

– – – – – –

EVE (Protagonist in my Horror/Comedy COLD-BLOODED BEAUTY)

Arc Beginning: Feeling washed-up, both personally and professionally

Arc Ending: Confident in her own skin

Internal Journey: From insignificant to a force to-be-reckoned-with

External Journey: From a has-been graphic designer to relevant new artist

Old Ways:
– Depressed that she just turned 50
– Feels unattractive
– Compares herself unfavorably to her beauty-queen friend
– Extremely vulnerable to morally-grey decisions
– Loses a promotion to a younger employee at work
– Is afraid to pursue her dream of being a fine artist

New Ways:
– Is proud that she’s 50
– Likes her natural looks, able to be herself
– Doesn’t need to measure herself against others
– Confidently makes bold, healthy decisions
– Sticks up for herself at work
– Completes her canvases for a gallery showing

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Intentional Lead Characters

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into movie classics and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.

What I learned from doing this assignment: I’m still not sure if my Character Structure is Protag/Antag or Dramatic Triangle.
– – – – – –

Character1: EVE GARDNER (Protagonist)
Logline: A graphic designer in a midlife crisis struggles with her love life, fading dreams and aging reflection — especially when she compares herself to best friend, ZIVIA.
Unique: She is vulnerable and desperate to try anything to solve her problems.

– – – – –

Character2: JESSICA LeZARDE (Antagonist)
Logline: An entrepreneur who lures town residents, including EVE, to test her new anti-aging night cream after a successful test run with her beautiful niece, ZIVIA.
Unique: She plans to make millions from the product, despite suspicions of dangerous side effects.

– – – – –

Character3: ZIVIA TRENT (Triangle Character)
Logline: A former prom queen and current TV show host who’s discovered a secret to youthful beauty, but initially keeps it from her friend EVE.
Unique: She manipulates situations to make herself the center of attention.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Title, Concept, and Character Structure!

One-Sentence Vision: I will turn my ideas into movie classics and live a happy, successful life as a writer and industry professional.

What I learned from doing this assignment: I had not given any previous thought to my Character Structure, and was not even aware I needed to.
– – – – – – –
COLD-BLOODED BEAUTY (Horror/Comedy)
A middle-aged artist tests an amazing new anti-aging night cream, unaware that its secret ingredient — reptile stem cells — is turning herself and fellow town residents into reptilian predators while they sleep.

Character Structure: DRAMATIC TRIANGLE?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, All.

I sent a message to SU Customer Service re: the Forum glitch. Hopefully they will get the appropriate discussion threads set up soon, so that we can all post our assignments :0)

Best,

Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, everyone. Pamela Rice here.

The project I’ve chosen for this class will be my 4th script. The first 2 were Hallmark-type concepts I co-wrote with my husband. One of our concepts got produced and aired on the Hallmark channel, and we currently have a Christmas script under option agreement.

By taking this class, I hope to add more skills to my arsenal (I’ve taken about a dozen other SU classes), and to have my writing process feel natural and struggle-free.

I enjoyed Hal’s empowering visualization process in the Opening Audio, where we imagine ourselves having LOTS OF FUN doing our assignments VERY QUICKLY. I’ve added my own twist to this: while I work, I imagine the Benny Hill kazoo theme playing in the background. LOL, it works!

What’s unique about me? I’ve been a graphic designer for over 25 years; I started my writing journey in 2019 with Hal’s COMEDY class. Additionally, my hubby and I run a doggie daycare business.

Looking forward to taking the class with all of you!

[Pamela Rice]

PAMELA RICE

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S STORY MAP

1. OPENING

M1: Soon-to-be-retired Hitman RAY CASSIDY fails to complete his last hit.
His new mission: To save the life of his intended target, CHARLIZE, beautiful wife of Plastic Surgeon for the Boston mob, DEVON DELBIANCO (who arranged the hit).
A1: Ray attempts to rescue Charlize.
M2: Charlize doesn’t want to go with him. Doesn’t believe and/or trust him. Ray gets Charlize to pack a bag.
A2: Drags her to his car, kicking and screaming.

2. INCITING INCIDENT
M3: Ray falls for Charlize while doing reconnaissance for his hit.
M4: For her safety, Ray kidnaps her.
V1: Dr. DelBianco discovers Ray did not carry out the hit on his wife (Charlize), as planned.
V2: He hires a team of thugs to kill both Ray and Charlize.
A2: They track down Ray and Charlize, who are on the run.
M5: They encounter THREE THUGS when they stop at a restaurant on the road.
A3: Ray wounds two and escapes from the other thug, SONNY.
A4: Ray and Charlize flee the restaurant, with thugs in hot pursuit — on foot and then in cars. Gunshots are fired.

3. FIRST TURNING POINT / END OF ACT 1

A5: After successfully evading the Thugs, they continue on the run, their heads still on a swivel.
M6: They reach their hideaway on the Maine coast,
– – – – ACT 2
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>M7: Once they’re safe in their secret location, Ray gets Charlize to trust him.

4. MIDPOINT

M8: Knowing that they can’t stay hidden forever, Ray plots how to take down Dr. DelBianco by exposing his shady surgical practice. But this means going back into the city.
M9: Ray sneaks in to Dr. DelBianco’s office; makes copies of the files.
V3: Dr. DelBianco learns that Ray is back in town.
V4: He creates a scheme to frame Ray for a crime.
V5: He surgically alters the face of SONNY, to match Ray’s. Sonny kills a cop, and his face is caught on camera.
V6: Dr. DelBianco alerts law enforcement, and Ray is erroneously identified as the suspect in the cop killing.

5. SECOND TURNING POINT / END OF ACT 2

M10: Ray sees his face on news: he’s a wanted man. He disguises himself, but is still recognized.
A6: Ray is chased by the law. Evades and escapes several times. Gunshots fired on both sides.
M11: Ray puts up a good fight, but is ultimately apprehended by a SWAT team.
V7: Dr. DelBianco learns of Charlize’s hideout: Acadia National Park in Maine.
– – – – ACT 3

A7: With Ray behind bars, Dr. DelBianco heads to the Maine coast, bringing Sonny (Ray’s lookalike) for back-up. They find Charlize at her cottage.
V8: She initially thinks Sonny is Ray, and she lets her guard down. They gain access to the cabin.
V9: The doctor instructs Sonny to dispose of Charlize, in a way that will make it look like an accident occurred on the cliffs.
A8: Charlize is kidnapped.
M12 & A: But Ray breaks out of jail by outwitting and outfighting guards.
M13: Ray catches up to Charlize, her husband and Sonny at the Maine cabin.

6. CRISIS/DILEMMA

M14: Ray decides how to plead in court. He has an alibi, but won’t implicate or endanger Charlize. He and his lawyer go for an Insanity defense, and Ray gets sent to a Psych Ward.

7. CLIMAX
M15: Ray breaks out of the Psych Ward.
M16: Ray makes it back to Maine just in time to encounter Sonny and Dr. DelBianco. Ray and Sonny engage in a strange battle that looks like they are fighting themselves. Ultimately, Ray shoots and kills Sonny.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>M17 & A9: Ray battles with Dr. DelBianco. Pushes him off of a cliff, but he doesn’t die.
He gets taken to a hospital and undergoes both life-saving and plastic surgery, where he is horribly disfigured. He gets sent to jail, for “aiding and abetting” criminals.

8. RESOLUTION
Ray and Charlize can be together now. Ray officially retires as a Hitman.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S ACTION STRUCTURE

What I learned: Outlining the 3-Act Structure points really ties together the my previous 3 tracks so that they feel more meaningful and less like random bullet points.

Opening: RAY CASSIDY kidnaps CHARLIZE DELBIANCO, the beautiful wife of a plastic surgeon for the Boston mob. He tells her she’s in extreme danger, “Someone was hired to kill you!” Charlize initially does not believe him and puts up a fight. Ray manages to persuade her, and she gets her into his car. When she asks him again about the person who is trying to kill her, he finally tells her, “It was me.”

Inciting Incident: <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>(Two Days Earlier) Ray, a down-and-out Hitman, agrees to one last hit. He does reconnaissance on his target, waiting for the perfect moment to pull the trigger. But when she’s in his crosshairs, he can’t go through with the hit. He knows that there will be hell-to-pay — especially since he was paid upfront.

First Turning Point, end of Act 1: Ray and Charlize successfully evade and escape from the team of DR. DEVON DELBIANCO’S hired thugs. They settle into their hideaway: a small cabin on the Maine coast, while their heads remain on a swivel.

Midpoint: Ray comes to grips with the fact that, as much as he’s enjoying his burgeoning relationship with Charlize, it’s unlikely they could stay hidden forever. Ray decides to go back into the city, so that he can break into Dr. DelBianco’s office and get his patient files. If his shady surgical practice is exposed, Dr. DelBianco will likely be imprisoned.

Second Turning Point, end of Act 2: Dr. DelBianco surgically transforms the face of TONY THE THUG to look exactly like Ray. Tony commits several crimes, including killing a cop. He purposely gets his face caught on camera, which is all over the news. As Tony hides, Ray gets ambushed and apprehended for a crime he didn’t commit. Meanwhile, Dr. DelBianco discovers where Charlize is hidden. He’s on his way to Maine to kill her, with the help of Tony.

Crisis/Dilemma: Ray must decide the best way to get out of this situation. If he pleads Not Guilty, he would need his alibi (Charlize), but doesn’t want to involve her. If he pleads guilty, he will be locked away for a long time. He tells his lawyer the truth — but appears a bit unhinged — which becomes their planned defense. Ray gets sent to a Psych Ward for evaluation and escapes.

Climax: Ray breaks out of the Psych Ward and races to Maine. When he gets to the cabin, he gets into a gunfight with a most formidable and unsettling opponent: a copy of himself. He ultimately kills Tony. Meanwhile, Dr. DelBianco has forced Charlize up to the cliffs at gunpoint. Ray and Dr. DelBianco engage in hand-to-hand combat. He pushes Dr. DelBianco off of a cliff to save Charlize.

Resolution: Ray and Charlize can be together now. Ray is officially retired as a Hitman.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Action Track

1. RESCUE: Hero (a soon-to-be-retired Hitman) rescues his intended target.
Purpose: Show that Hero has changed. He suddenly wants to save someone, rather than kill them.

2. PURSUIT: Villain (a shady Plastic Surgeon) realizes hired Hitman (Hero) did not complete the mission he was hired for. Sends thugs to find them.
Purpose: Sets up the need for Hero and Villain’s wife to be on the run.

3. FIGHT: Thugs find Hero and Villain’s Wife in a restaurant, just when we thought they were safe. A fight ensues.
Purpose: We see Hero’s commitment to keeping Villain’s wife safe, whom he has fallen for.

4. CAR CHASE: Hero and Villain’s wife flee the restaurant, with thugs in hot pursuit. Gunshots are fired.
Purpose: This pits Hero against a team of Villain’s representatives. We see what he’s made of.

5. ESCAPE/EVADE: Hero and Villain’s Wife mange to evade thugs and escape. They continue to their rural hideaway.
Purpose: This gives the two the chance to grow closer, gain trust etc.

6. SCHEMING: While Hero and Villain are miles away from each other, they are not out of mind. Both make plans to betray the other: Hero plans to expose Villain’s shady plastic surgery practice, but will need to sneak into his office; Villain plans to frame Hero for a crime he didn’t commit. He creates a “double” of Hero, who kills a cop while committing a heist.
Purpose: Gives the Hero a reason to go back to the city, placing himself in more danger.

7. SHOOTOUT: Hero is on the run from law enforcement. His picture is plastered all over the media, for a crime he didn’t commit the crime. Hero must out-maneuver, out-run and out-shoot the police.
Purpose: This ups the stakes and creates an exciting “trailer-moment” Action set piece.

8. APPREHENDED: Hero ultimately gets arrested when Villain’s plan works.
Purpose: We will worry about the Hero and root for his escape.

9. PURSUIT: Villain learns of Wife’s hideout location. He and a hired thug drive up to Maine.
Purpose: Creates a ticking clock for Hero to save her.

10. BREAK-OUT: Hero breaks out of jail by outwitting and outfighting guards.
Purpose: Gives us new hope for the Hero and Villain’s wife.

11. KIDNAPPING: Villains kidnap the wife. They plot how to make her death look like an accident.
Purpose: stakes are even higher now, and clock is ticking loudly!

12. SHOOT-OUT: Hero catches up to Villain and hired Thug (who looks identical to Hero). There’s a shoot-out at the house between Hero and Thug. Hero ultimately gets the best of his lookalike.
Purpose: A fun scene to watch, that brings us closer to final resolution.

13. FINAL FACE-OFF: Villain drags Wife up to the cliffs, where he plans to push her off. Hero runs towards them. He dodges Villain’s bullets (he’s out), but catches up to them and tackles Villain. They grapple close to the edge of cliff. Villain falls down a steep embankment.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Villain Track

What I learned: I enjoyed filling in the blanks as I went along, and am “keeping the question open” as the story unfolds.

A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero? Villain’s plan before movie started was to kill his wife. But Hero refuses to do what he was hired to do.

B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the hero?

Have professional assassins track him down, when the hit on his wife appears to be botched. They will chase Hero on foot (and at gunpoint) in Boston, in cars as they head out of town, fight him inside a restaurant where they stop for food, frame him for a crime he didn’t commit, have him captured, send another assassin, hand-to-hand combat.

C. What advantage does Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie?

Villain is quite wealthy. He has many resources at his disposal, including mob connections, more hitmen-for-hire, friends in the media, and crooked lawyers.

D. What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain, where they pay for what they’ve done?

His shady plastic surgery practice backfires on him? One of the thugs that he transformed (in a botched cosmetic surgery?) does something that devastates him. His past comes back to haunt him.

He will die in hand-to-hand combat with Hero, who pushes him off a cliff in self-defense.

OR: he doesn’t die, but gets disfigured. Hero and (the angry mobster client?) see that the surgeon is cosmetically altered — to look like Hitler (or someone horrible).

– – – – – – – – – – – – –

VILLAIN TRACK: PRE-EXISTING PLAN

Villain: Devon DelBianco, Plastic Surgeon for the Boston Mob

Hero: Ray Cassidy, Soon-to-be-Retired Hitman

DISCOVERY: Dr. DelBianco discovers Ray did not carry out the hit on his wife (Charlize), as planned.

DECISION: Hires a team of hitmen to kill both Ray and Charlize.

PLAN: Dispatches them to track down Ray and Charlize, who are on the run.

NEW INFO: They fail, but he has reason to believe Ray is back in town.

REVISED PLAN: He creates a scheme to frame Ray for a crime.

COSMETIC SURGERY: He alters the face of a wanted criminal, Anthony, to match Ray’s. Anthony kills a cop, and his face (identical to Ray’s) is caught on camera.

APPREHENDED: Dr. DelBianco alerts law enforcement, and Ray is erroneously jailed for the cop killing.

REVISED INTEL: He learns of Charlize’s hideout — Acadia National Park.

IN PURSUIT: With Ray behind bars, he heads to the Maine coast, bringing Anthony (altered to be Ray’s lookalike) for back-up. They find Charlize at her cottage.

TRICKERY: She initially thinks Anthony is Ray, and she lets her guard down. They gain access to her.

REVENGE: The doctor sends Anthony to dispose of Charlize, in a way that will make it look like an accident occurred on the cliffs. But Ray breaks out of jail and catches up to them.

TWIST: Ray and Anthony engage in a strange battle that looks like they are fighting themselves (they look identical). Ultimately, Ray shoots and kills Anthony.

FITTING ENDING: Ray and Dr. DelBianco engage in hand-to-hand-combat on the cliffs. Ray pushes Dr. DelBianco off of a ledge, but he doesn’t die. He gets taken to a hospital and undergoes both life-saving and plastic surgery, where he is either horribly disfigured… OR made to look like a despicable person (like Hitler). And he gets sent to jail, for “aiding and abetting” criminals via his surgery practice.

Meanwhile, Ray and Charlize have grown closer and have begun a relationship.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Hero’s Mission Track

What I learned: It takes a lot of idea-generating to keep the story constantly-moving and exciting.

A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds? Hero is a veteran and highly-skilled hit man.

B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal? Hero must outrun and outsmart a team of younger hitmen while saving the surgeon’s wife

C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero?
Internal: He has feelings for the intended target.
External: He knows he (and the surgeon’s wife) now have targets on their back.

D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain? An escape on foot with surgeon’s wife, then in a car. Being tailed and then fighting with first assassin(s). Threats/Phone calls with Villain. Going back into the city to expose Villain. More fights with assassin(s). Villain has scheme of own to get Hero arrested. Villain finds out wife’s hiding place, and is en route. Hero escapes from jail just in time to save her.

Clear Mission: To save the Plastic Surgeon’s wife, who he was hired to kill.
Motivation: He falls for her while doing reconnaissance.
Inciting Incident: When he’s supposed to do the hit, he can’t go through with it.
First Action: For her safety, he kidnaps her — only a matter of time before Villain learns that Hero did not perform the hit.
Obstacle: She doesn’t want to go with him. Doesn’t believe and/or trust him. Puts up a fight.
Escape: Hero and Surgeon’s Wife hurriedly leave her home They are tailed.
Escalation: An encounter with an assassin at restaurant on the road. Hero kills assassin.
Escape: They continue on the run to a remote location.
Hideout: Once safely-established in rural location, Surgeon’s Wife begins to trust Hero.
Overwhelming Odds: Villain send more assassins out to track them down.
New Plan: Hero plots how to take down and expose the Surgeon’s shady surgical practice (he works for the mob, changing identities of wanted criminals).
Twist: Villain has been working on a plot of his own to take the Hero down. He uses Hero’s face on one of his thug patients, who shoots a cop.
Discovery: Hero sees his face on news. Law enforcement is on the hunt for him.
Apparent defeat: Hero defends himself, but ultimately apprehended by a SWAT team.
Search: Villain finds out where his wife is hiding
Twist: Hero breaks out of jail.
Success: Hero gets there just in time to save her and kill Villain.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S HERO & VILLAIN

What Iearned: As I got further into my homework, I realized that my initial Comedy/Thriller concept was not going to work for this class. So I came up with something completely new. There’s something fun and exciting about making something up as I go along!

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>CONCEPT: A soon-to-be-retired Hitman falls for his intended target

Hero Morally Right: He chooses not to kill an innocent, beautiful woman (the Surgeon’s Wife).
Villain Morally Wrong: He’s a Plastic Surgeon who became wealthy working for the mob

HERO
A. Unique Skill Set: he’s a highly-trained, experienced hit man
B. Motivation: he falls in love with his intended target, and wants to save her
C. Secret or Wound:
Secret: He initially doesn’t tell the wife that he was hired to kill her.
Wound: While in the military, he lost his best friend because he hesitated to kill the enemy.
Haunted by his mistake, he became a heartless killer.

VILLAIN
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>A. Unbeatable: He has access to lots of money and the mob’s best hitmen
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>B. Plan/Goal: To track down Hero, kill him, and ultimately kill his wife
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>C. What they lose if Hero survives: He doesn’t achieve his initial goal (to have wife killed), and he loses the satisfaction of making hitman pay for his betrayal. Also, Hitman knows too much about the shady side of his surgical practice, so Villain needs to end him (he could lose his practice, go to prison, etc.).

IMPOSSIBLE MISSION
A. Puts Hero in Action: Once word gets out that he didn’t fulfill the hit, he becomes a target as well. He must go on the run with the surgeon’s wife.
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: With his mob connections, the Surgeon will hire a team of younger, highly-trained hitmen to go after him. Hero’s not used to being on the other side of the gun.
C. Destroy the Villain: Hero escapes from, fights, and kills the surgeon’s assassins while keeping the surgeon’s wife safe. Meanwhile, he plots to take the surgeon down by exposing his shady practices.

Extrapolation: If the Villain is a highly-skilled plastic surgeon who creates new identities for thugs hunted by law enforcement — he could use his skills to sabotage our Hero (change one of the thugs faces to match Hero’s; frame him for a crime; have Hero be arrested etc).

[Pamela Rice]

What I learned doing this assignment: Hal’s anecdote re: how the movie THE AMERICAN was wrongly-promoted as an Action movie resonated with me. I don’t think my concept actually qualifies as an Action movie either — and I ultimately will not promote it as such (It’s a Comedy/Thriller).

But, I do want to make my action scenes as exciting as possible, and will be taking all of the steps necessary.

Concept:

When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses the murder of his A-list client, he’s relocated to rural Vermont where he works incognito as a dog groomer to evade a dangerous hitman.

Conventions:

Highly-skilled Hero: One of Hollywood’s top hairstylists

Demand for Action: While the hitman is at large, he will stop at nothing to find our hero, including tracking down his loved ones for clues.

Mission: To find out who was behind the hit — and have them apprehended — before he gets hit as well!

Antagonist(s): A ruthless hitman/master of disguise, as well as the unknown person who hired him.

Escalating Action: After our hero witnesses the murder (and is seen), there’s an initial chase and escape. This leads him to his faux life, where he watches his back as tries to blend in. As he searches for answers, family and friends are threatened. The stakes are raised further by a shocking betrayal, new determination, and a fight to the finish when the Bad Guys close in.

[Pamela Rice]

Oops, forgot to paste in the whole form when I posted earlier. Here it is.

I, Pamela Rice, agree to the terms of the release form.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Pamela Rice]

I, Pamela Rice, agree to the terms of the release form.

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, I’m Pam.

I’ve written 2 scripts, both are in progress. I’m hoping to improve my action scenes in my Comedy/Thriller, TANGLED UP, and really ramp up the chase and fight scenes. I’m not sure it qualifies as an Action movie… but we’ll see.

Something unique about me? I’ve been a graphic designer for over 25 years.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Amazing Ending

What I learned: I realized my original ending for TANGLED UP was a bit too on-the-nose. I posted a new alternate ending below.

– – – – – – –

SET-UP. Celebrity hairstylist HENRI BERGER is a rising star at the prestigious Beverly Hills Marc Riche Salon, and the planned keynote speaker for the International Hair Show. His new convertible’s California vanity license plate on Rodeo Drive sums up his life: “STYLIN.”

Character intros: MARC RICHE, narcissistic salon owner; movie star BRADLEY JAMES, his supermodel wife TIFFANY, Henri’s best friend from childhood, JARED; his grandfather (PAPY), who he plans to buy a place for once Marc makes him a partner.

In the salon: a misspelling of his name on a signature hair product delivery sends Marc into a rage and he throws out the case. Marc and Henri prepare Bradley and Tiffany for the salon’s Celebrity Fundraiser planned for later that day. Marc later apologizes to Bradley for “not having any of his favorite product available.” At the Beverly Hills Gallery Fundraiser, Marc has good news: their supplier has dropped off a fresh supply— he asks Henri to take some out to Bradley’s Malibu house, so that he can freshen up his style before attending the fundraiser.

When Henri arrives at Bradley’s house, he witnesses his shocking murder. With the help of Detective Kurt Stone, Henri is relocated to Vermont for his safety. He lives and works incognito as a dog groomer, all the while vowing to find out who was behind the hit — and to return to his Real Life once the Bad Guys are behind bars.

Henri’s Vermont contact — and only other person who knows his secret — is conservative dog salon owner CAMDEN PARKS, who shows the less-than-enthusiastic Henri the ropes. When Camden’s sister, ACADIA, meets Henri at the local dog shelter that she manages, she thinks he’s a bit much.

MIDPOINT. Henri discovers that he was the intended target of the hit. And Marc was behind it! But he can’t prove it. And he definitely can’t return to his Real Life.

A new rescue with horribly matted and tangled fur needs an emergency makeover, and Acadia turns to Henri. Both the mutt (GoodFella) and Henri are transformed. He forms a connection with dogs — volunteers time at the shelter, plays with dogs in the yard. He also becomes close with Acadia. Together, they plan a Doggie Adoption Fair at the local park. But as he and Acadia grow closer, he is increasingly uncomfortable with living a lie.

PLOT POINT 2. Henri and Jared hatch a plan to gather more proof. Meanwhile, he introduces new cutting-edge styles at the dog salon. His furry coiffures accidentally go viral, and his cover is blown. Bad Guys begin to close in.

CRISIS. It’s the day of the Dog Fair. While Det. Stone is on his way to Vermont, he tells Henri to remain hidden in his apartment until they whisk him safely out of state. Knowing those he cares about may be in danger, Henri disobeys orders and heads to the fair —with every intention of telling Acadia the full truth about who he really is.

CLIMAX. Henri uses his wits and the help of Det. Stone to defeat the Bad Guys in a showdown at the Doggie Fair. Before he can tell Acadia the truth, she is kidnapped. Henri saves her, but she feels betrayed by his lies and doesn’t want anything more to do with this “imposter.”

He’s crushed as he heads to NYC for the final face-off against Marc. His calls to Acadia go straight to voicemail. Henri publicly humiliates a surprised Marc at the International Hair Show. He provides the recently-obtained incriminating proof needed to Det. Stone, who tells him that he’s “now free”. Henri tries to reach Acadia, voicemail again. He’s says, “It’s time to return to my Real Life.”

RESOLUTION. INT. DOG SHELTER. Henri shows up at the dog shelter to beg Acadia’s forgiveness and adopt GoodFella. He tells her that Camden has made him a partner at the dog salon, so he’s here to stay. Acadia is resistant, she wonders when he’ll return to the calling of his “real life.”

FINAL PAGE. Henri tells Acadia that his life with her is “as real as it gets.” Referring to himself, he asks that she “give this stray another chance.”

She finally lets herself trust him and they kiss. In the parking lot, he introduces her to his Papy.

FINAL LINE/IMAGE. They all get inside Henri’s slightly-dented Subaru. The rear view as they drive away: dogs’ heads hanging out the car’s windows, and Henri’s VT license plate which reads: “STYLIN.”

– – – – – – – – REVISED

MIDPOINT. GoodFella gets adopted after Henri’s transformational makeover, giving Henri’s dog grooming job new meaning.

RESOLUTION (NEW). EXT. DOG SHELTER. From a distance, Acadia sees some new volunteers throwing tennis balls with dogs. She heads out to investigate. It’s Henri and his grandfather, who holds a puppy from the shelter.

Acadia is surprised, but still cold towards him. Henri starts with small talk, introduces Papy and tells her that Camden made him a partner. Builds up the courage to say that “he really hopes she’ll give this stray another chance.” Acadia looks at Papy holding the puppy and then back at Henri. She apparently misinterprets and says “Yes. Every dog deserves a good Forever Home.” Henri says softly “I was talking about me.”

FINAL LINE. A beat, then Acadia says, “I know.”

FINAL IMAGE. Henri in driver’s seat of car, Acadia in passenger’s. Papy happily in back with his new puppy and Acadia’s Yellow Lab.
The rear view of Henri’s slightly-dented Subaru as they drive away on a country road: dogs’ heads peeking out the car windows, and a VT license plate which reads: “STYLIN.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Most Memorable Line

What I learned: I was able to improve this scene’s “memorable line” (shown in bold below) by adding a Misinterpretation, which I think gives it more impact.

– – – – – –

Logline: When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.

Scene Set-up: This is the last scene before the final image/resolution. It contains a couple of Call-backs:

– When Henri first meets Acadia, he walks into the dog shelter wearing ridiculous designer loafers. He slips in dog poo and she hoses down his shoes in an effort to save them.

– Henri’s turning point with dogs happens when he transforms a mangled-fur rescue mutt with his scissoring skills. He names the dog “GoodFella” and they form a connection.

– In the story’s climax, Acadia finds out Henri has been lying to her all along. She’d been hurt badly before, and wants nothing to do with Henri once she learns his true identity.

– Henri leaves Vermont after the big showdown. Acadia has not seen or talked to him since then.

– – – – – –

INT. DOG SHELTER (VERMONT) – DAY
Acadia sorts mail at the front desk. Looks up when someone comes in. She’s startled to see that it’s Henri. Looks back down and continues to sort the mail.

ACADIA
Here for a visit?

HENRI
Here for good.

She glances up, a puzzled look in her eyes.

ACADIA
What about your real world…
with your fancy friends and your fancy shoes?

Henri looks deeply in her eyes.

HENRI
This is about as real as it gets, Acadia.
And I don’t need anything fancy.
(beat)
As for my shoes?
(tries to make her laugh)
They just need to be washable.

Acadia’s expression is still icy.

HENRI
(filled with emotion)
I’m so sorry that I hurt you. And I get
why you’d still be upset with me.
(takes a calming breath)
Besides wanting to see you again, I’m actually here on business.

Acadia looks surprised.

HENRI
I wanna adopt GoodFella… if he’s still available.

Acadia tries not to show any emotion. She grabs a pen and an adoption form from the filing cabinet.

ACADIA
Employed?

HENRI
Believe it or not, Camden
wants to make me his partner.

ACADIA
(checks a box on the form)
Can you provide GoodFella
with a good home?

HENRI
Absolutely.
(imploring)
But he could really use a mom…
to help out his new dad.

Acadia starts to soften up, he hit her weak spot.

HENRI
(begging)
Can you give this stray
another chance?

She signals to an unseen volunteer in the adjacent kennel who brings out the lovable big mutt, Goodfella, on a leash. He spots Henri.
Overjoyed, he wags his tail and jumps up on his chest. Henri leans in, GoodFella bathes him with kisses.

ACADIA
(misinterprets)
Of course. GoodFella deserves
a good Forever Home.

HENRI
(softly)
I was talking about me.

Acadia hesitates. Then looks into his eyes and smiles.

Henri can’t hold back any longer. He joins Acadia behind the counter and embraces her.

After a minute, they pull back. Their eyes meet and they kiss deeply. GoodFella sits happily by Henri’s leg and looks up. Henri pats his head while he kisses Acadia.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam loves separating character dialogue

What I learned: Actually, I don’t love it :0) This was incredibly tedious! But I see the need to do the exercise.

I started with my protagonist, who is in 80% of the scenes. “Separating it out” helped me to see that much of his dialogue was a bit too blunt and reactive.

I’ve only gotten as far as ACT 1, but am continuing the work until complete. I posted 5 Before & After Examples.

– – – – – – – HENRI BERGER, Celebrity Hairstylist
(who goes into police protection, living and working incognito as a dog groomer.)

Core Traits: Vain, Artsy, Witty, Nice Guy — and when he’s in his new world: Deceptive
– – – – – – – –

1. Original

HENRI (To Tiffany & Bradley, while in salon chairs)
Hello, Tiffany. Always a pleasure to see Hollywood’s “It Couple.”

Goal: Something more informative/less generic?</font>

1. Revised

HENRI
(smiles and nods to the salon patrons)
Tiffany. Bradley.
Thanks so much for joining us
at the fundraiser later.
(beat)
I mean, it would be a crime not to include Hollywood’s
best-looking couple in an art gallery, right?
(NICE-GUY. WITTY.)

2. Original

HENRI (to his boss Marc after he mentions an addition to the event Henri planned)
Program changes? I thought we–

Goal: make Henri’s response seem less argumentative.

2. Revised

HENRI
(mouth drops open)
That is a nice surprise. Since
I thought we were maxed out
of costumes and volunteers.
(NICE-GUY)

3. Original

HENRI (To his Papy, re: the case of hair gel he’s giving him)
From the salon. For you and
your friends at the center.

Goal: Something less dull/generic. He wants to impress his grandfather with his gift.

3. Revised

HENRI
Here. From the salon.
(hands him a sample of the “Modeling Glue”)
It’s the go-to product for
supermodels around the globe.
(smiles)
For all the beautiful people here
at the residence.
(NICE-GUY. WITTY.)

4. Original

HENRI (to his friend Jared, while they have a cocktail at a Fundraiser.)
One more, and then I’m off to work the room.
Make some new contacts.

Goal: show a little more personality.

4. Revised

HENRI
One more, and then I’m off to work the room.
Attract some new clients.
(looking down at his bright orange designer shirt)
I mean… Just let them try and ignore me.
(WITTY. VAIN.)

5. Original

HENRI (to himself, when he can’t find his phone in his car)
Oh, no. My phone…

Goal: Less boring. Establish that his phone is missing.
He fears the Killer took it, and can now find him.

5. Revised

Oh, no. My phone!
(looking around his car frantically)
Is my life now in the hands of a… Killer Cowboy?
(cradles face in hands)
And why did I have to take all those selfies?!
(VAIN. FUNNY.)

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Dramatic Scene Transitions

What I learned: I had so many scenes in my script that did NOT have any transition devices. The scenes were mostly told chronologically — but not enough there to really connect the reader/viewer.

I’ve gone through my script and added one of the suggested transition types wherever I can. The example below is a VISUAL TRANSITION (Match Cut)

– – – – – –

TANGLED UP (Rom-Com/Thriller)

Logline: When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.

– – – – – –

SCENE SET UP: Protagonist HENRI and his best friend/B-List Actor JARED are at a Celebrity Fundraiser. Henri is chatting with Jared while he practices his part in the Living Art Tableaus being presented. The 2 scenes are the Catalyst and Inciting Incident of my story.

– – – – – – – –

INT. BEVERLY HILLS ART GALLERY – GALLERY SUITE B
Jared puts both hands to his cheeks and forms a silent scream. His nose is pinched, his eyes slightly squinted.

JARED
How do I look?

HENRI
Like someone just farted in church.
(beat)
Try channeling your inner Alfred Hitchcock.

They stand near an unlit display behind a velvet rope. A wall plaque reads “GALLERY SUITE B.”

Henri wears a brightly-colored designer shirt, dress slacks and designer loafers.

A waiter approaches. Henri places their empty wine glasses on a tray and grabs two fresh ones. He hands one to his friend.

HENRI
One more, and then I’m off to work
the room. Make some new contacts.

Jared takes a sip of wine, then places the glass back down.

JARED
Really? I had the impression that the
salon was already way over-booked.

Henri puffs his chest out, and places hands on his hips.

HENRI
(imitating his boss, Marc)
“Jared… Can you ever have too many
friends… or too many clients?”

Jared responds with a revised “Scream” face. Hands to his cheeks, his eyes open wider this time.

HENRI
So close. But maybe with a little less of
a “Home Alone” vibe next time.
(beat)
I know you got this. Child’s play, for a
man of your talent.
(raises his wine glass)
I mean, you’re starring in WILL OF THE WEST.
Cheers, brother!

They clink glasses.

JARED
Not quite the star.
Yet. But thanks.

Marc suddenly appears, excited. He carries a Marc Riche-branded shopping bag.

MARC
Great news.

HENRI
(tries to guess)
Made some new friends?

Jared looks around while Marc and Henri chat. He notices an empty silver serving tray. Holds it up to his face and studies his reflection.

MARC
Even better.

HENRI
New clients?

Marc reveals the contents of the bag. It’s filled with “MARC RICHE MODELING GLUE” hair gel tubes, labels correctly spelled.

MARC
My supplier dropped these off.
Naturally, he wanted to redeem
himself after today’s label fiasco.
(beat)
Could you be a dear, and run some
out to Bradley’s? Wants to freshen up his
style before his arrival.

HENRI
(caught by surprise)
Really? Was he out in
the Santa Ana Winds?

Jared practices his silent scream, making micro adjustments.

HENRI
It’s a quarter to five.
Rush hour to Malibu will–

MARC
(soothing)
— not be all that bad.

Marc gives the bag to Henri.

MARC
Bradley will be eternally grateful.

Before Henri can respond, Marc sashays off to mingle with the guests.

Jared steps onto a wooden platform with a rail fence prop and a sunset backdrop. He signals to an unseen volunteer. Resigned and discouraged, Henri looks over at his friend.

A spotlight illuminates Jared. He nails his tribute to THE SCREAM, his expression eerily haunted.

EXT. MALIBU – BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE – DAY

I deleted the text up to the dotted line.

Henri parks his convertible on the street in front of a black SUV. He places a handful of hair product tubes in a small plastic “MARC RICHE SALON” bag.

As Henri gets out of his car, he notices Bradley in the driveway, making a beeline to his front door.

HENRI
Oh, Hellooo… Bradley!

Distracted, Henri grabs the salon bag but leaves his iPhone in the console.

He trots up the driveway to catch up to Bradley.

– – – – – – – – – – – – New start of scene

Henri SCREAMS. His mouth is wide open, hands to his cheeks.

He’s horrified at the view through the living room window. A menacing man points a handgun at Bradley. GUNSHOTS ring out. Bradley falls to the floor, motionless in a pool of blood.

Frightened, Henri drops his bag with the hair gel. He hides behind a big Yucca tree planter. The KILLER heads toward the back door.

He walks quickly to his SUV, his face now obscured by a cowboy hat. He sees Henri’s convertible, snoops around.

He looks back at the house. Even behind the planter, Henri’s bright shirt stands out like a tropical flag. The Killer takes aim with his gun.

Henri takes off his mirrored sunglasses, tilts them back and forth. Temporarily blinds the Killer. BULLETS hits the planter. Henri’s sunglasses drop and shatter.

Henri and the Killer’s eyes meet.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Elevated Scene Structures

What I learned: This exercise is really useful, I’m going to go through my script and make many more improvements.

I originally had the scene set up as a Mislead and Reveal; have switched it to a Superior Position format. Knowing ahead in the scene’s opening that the Killer is pretending to be a volunteer at the senior center, we will be worried during the entire scene (rather than surprised at end).

– – – – – –

TANGLED UP

Genre: Rom-Com/Thriller

Logline: When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.

– – – – – –

What am I trying to accomplish?

A. Up the stakes of the danger: people in Henri’s life (such as best friend Jared and his Papy) are not safe with the hitman at large.

B. Strike an emotional chord with this reminder of Henri’s plight: Henri promised to attend Movie Night with his Papy — but for his own safety, he can’t be there.

C. Illustrate that Jared is a true and trusted friend; he’s fulfilling Henri’s request to look in on his Papy.

Components/Beats of the Scene

– Senior Center residents and their guests file into the center’s theater to watch a classic movie. Henri’s best friend Jared is accompanying his grandfather, Francois.

– A seemingly helpful volunteer works the event.

– The volunteer chats with Jared and Francois, asking “innocent” questions.

– The volunteer is revealed to be hitman Charles MacKay.

– After the movie is over and the residents return to their apartments, Hitman MacKay is able to observe exactly where Francois lives.

– – – – – –

INT. PINES AND PALMS SENIOR HOME – NIGHT
A man walks down the hallway of the senior center, nods to the front desk manager.

When he boards the elevator, we get a closer view: it’s hitman Charles MacKay, wearing the Pines-and-Palms-logo rugby shirt with a false name tag. He’s added a pair of trendy glasses to soften his look. MacKay exits the elevator, forcing a smile as he enters the

THEATER
It’s Movie Night at the Center. There’s a good turnout to see the classic black and white Western, WILL OF THE WEST. The room is a mix of bald heads and silver hair. Several helpful volunteers, including Mackay, direct folks to choose their seats.

Volunteer (MacKay) brings Jared and Francois a soft drink and bag of popcorn each and sits next to them. He is chatty. He asks Francois if Jared is his grandson, along with a few more questions. Unaware that the cheerful volunteer is a dangerous killer fishing for information, they happily supply information.

Jared is texting, and the volunteer politely tells him that he will hold his phone until the movie is over: “Sorry, no cell phones are allowed.” (Or he secretly takes the phone out of Jared’s pocket during the darkness of the movie. Either way, MacKay scours it for any useful information re: Henri’s whereabouts.)

INTERCUT between senior center and Henri’s apartment. Movie plays simultaneously in both locations.

As the lights come back on, MacKay returns Jared’s phone. The residents file out of the theater down the hallway, returning to their rooms. MacKay watches Jared and Francois, and makes a note of Francois’ apartment number.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Meaningful Action

What I learned: This exercise is harder than it looks! I struggled to come up with solutions to some of my Talking Heads scene. And then I had an idea for the scene shown below. The text highlighted in bold shows the Meaningful Action that I added.

POINT OF SCENE: Henri is struggling with his new identity. He misses his old world: his professional life, and his rise to fame; his personal life — particularly his grandfather, “Papy.”

– – – – – – – – –

TANGLED UP

Genre: Rom-Com/Thriller

Logline: When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.

– – – – – – – – –

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Henri shifts impatiently as he dials a number on a pay phone. The phone rings.

HENRI
C’mon, Papy. Pick up!

The phone continues to ring and ring, with no answer or pickup to voicemail. Henri looks despondent.

He sluggishly moves to a computer and sits. Henri looks around, making sure no one can watch what he’s doing. He browses the internet.

He logs onto the International Hair Show website. Clicks the “GUEST SPEAKERS” tab, which features his headshot and the caption “SPECIAL CELEBRITY GUEST STYLIST, HENRI BERGER.” Henri sighs and glumly stares at the page.

Hits the “REFRESH” button and gasps. His photo and caption have been updated to promote Marc Riche.

BARISTA
(in the background)
Henry Shepherd, your order is ready.

He’s in a sad trance, more depressed than ever. Doesn’t respond to the barista.

HENRI
(staring at the computer)
Well, that didn’t take long.

BARISTA
(loudly)
Henry Shepherd, order up!

Henri snaps out of it and heads to the counter. He softens when he sees a senior gentleman who doesn’t have quite enough money to pay his tab.

Henri steps over and offers to buy his lunch. The man is grateful and shakes Henri’s hand. Henri smiles and says “yes” when the old man asks if Henri will join him.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Elevated Story Beats

What I learned: Taking the elevations one step at a time helps me not to get too overwhelmed. Still more work to do, but this is a good start! (Due to its size, I’m only posting my brainstorm process for 3 scenes, not the whole new Beat Sheet.)

– – – – – – Scenes to Elevate / Suggested Changes

1. (E5) INT./EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FREEWAY – DAY
HENRI BERGER’s intro. Stalled in traffic, he primps. Flirts with women who pass by. We learn that he’s annoyed while on an errand to drop off hair product to a client. His California license plate on his shiny new convertible reads: “STYLIN.”

Purpose: Protagonist Intro. Set the tone of Movie/World
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>New Beats: Ditch the above scene and lead with the Crime Scene Aftermath (below).

Tell the story in a non-linear fashion, to add more curiosity. NEW #1: (formerly #5).

1. (E8) EXT./INT. BRADLEY JAMES’ HOUSE (MALIBU) – NIGHT
CSIs document items at the crime scene. Intro of the no-nonsense DETECTIVE KURT STONE. Outside: tubes of “MARC RICHE SALON” hair gel scattered in the driveway, a pair of broken mirrored sunglasses. Inside: the dead body of movie star BRADLEY JAMES, still clutching a script: the remake of WILL OF THE WEST.

They find HENRI BERGER in the backyard, as he emerges from behind a big leafy plant. Butt-naked, with the exception of a barber’s cape, worn like a hospital gown, and his Italian designer loafers. He exclaims to police, “I saw it all — I saw the man who shot Bradley James! Det. Stone is not sure what to make of him, and suggests that he save his story for when they go “downtown.”

– – – – – –

12. (E4) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON (VERMONT) – DAY
Intro of CAMDEN PARKS. He’s a by-the-book kinda guy. He finishes up a doggie groom while talking to his sister, Acadia. She rattles off various guy’s names that she has plans with — turns out all of the “dates” are with dogs. Camden suggests that she “get back out there” and is cut off by Acadia who says she already surrounded 24-7 by all the love she needs. “And, dogs are infinitely more trustworthy than men.”

Purpose: Intro of Camden Parks & the Dog Salon
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Core Traits: Conservative, Trustworthy, Over-Protective, Politically-Correct, Ex-Military
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>New Beats: Instead of Cam suggesting that she go out with “real men,” maybe he’s relieved that she’s limiting her dates to dogs. He hated seeing her get hurt! Switch up Cam’s tone: He’s the one who says “Dogs are infinitely more trustworthy…

Somehow combine his ex-military training with his dog grooming methodology. Perhaps he speaks to dogs like he did to his guys in the military. ie “Stand up straight, solider!” “Ten-hut!” He’s a perfectionist, and that trait would transfer over to how the dogs end up looking.

– – – – – –

22. (E4) INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Jared provides Henri with pics from the Gallery Fundraiser that he took on his iPhone. Henri sees STUART DRAKE’s living tableau as “The David.” While frozen in position, he appears to be pining for Tiffany (Bradley’s widow).

Purpose: A Red Herring set-up of Stuart Drake as new suspect in Bradley’s murder (the one who hired the hit); end scene with a surprise.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>New Beats: Start with a few pics of what we already saw at fundraiser (Henri as Picasso’s “Pierrot,” Marc and Tiffany in Seurat’s “Sunday in Park.” Then, a funny pic of Jared doing a “Scream” selfie).

End with new exposition/clues: Tiffany at autograph table (we see the flat black box, a set up for later). End with the surprise (and character intro) of Stuart Drake at the event as “The David.” Show funny expressions of emotion while looking at Bradley James’ widow Tiffany, when he’s supposed to be a motionless statue. And he sneaks around to different locations in the gallery, although he was supposed to remain in the lobby. All of this could hopefully set up curiosity.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Scene Ratings

What I learned: I still have a lot of work to do to connect all of the various story threads together. And plenty of room for improvement in many scenes!

– – – – – –

TANGLED UP

Genre: Rom-Com/Thriller

Logline: When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.

– – – – – – – – – – – – ACT ONE

1. (E5) INT./EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FREEWAY – DAY
HENRI BERGER’s intro. Stalled in traffic, he primps. Flirts with women who pass by. We learn that he’s annoyed while on an errand to drop off hair product to a client. His California license plate on his shiny new convertible reads: “STYLIN.”

2. (E8) EXT. MALIBU – BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE – DAY
Walking up the driveway with his bag of hair product, he looks through living room window and witnesses the murder of movie star Bradley James. He gets a clear look at the hitman.

3. (E9) EXT. MALIBU NEIGHBORHOOD
Henri and the Killers eyes meet, a foot chase ensues. Henri hops over fence. Lands at house with large patio and pool. Strips, puts clothes under a lounge chair, and jumps in. Tries to appear nonchalant as he does slow laps in the pool, but his head is on a swivel.

Meanwhile, housekeeper takes his clothes, leaving only his Italian-designer loafers. With no sign of the hitman, he runs back to car naked, grabs a palm leaf for modesty. Chased by several dogs. Narrowly escapes.

4. (E9) EXT. HENRI’S CONVERTIBLE – CONTINUOUS
Henri goes back to his car and realizes his phone is gone. Cloaks himself with barber’s cape from the hair styling kit in his car.

5. (E9) INT. / EXT. MALIBU – BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Henri runs back up to the house. Butt-naked, with the exception of his cape, worn like a hospital gown, and his loafers.

Peers in windows. All doors locked. Still nervous, hides out back. Breathes sigh of relief when he sees the police’s red & blue flashing lights.

CSIs document items at the crime scene. Intro of the no-nonsense DETECTIVE KURT STONE. Outside: tubes of “MARC RICHE SALON” hair gel scattered in the driveway.
Inside: the dead body of movie star BRADLEY JAMES, still clutching a script: WILL OF THE WEST remake.

They find Henri in the backyard hiding behind a big leafy plant. Frightened, he exclaims to police, “I saw it all — I saw the man who shot Bradley James! Det. Stone wants him to save his story for when they go “downtown.”

6. (E3) EXT. BEVERLY HILLS – RODEO DRIVE – DAY (6 HOURS EARLIER)
Establishing shot of Rodeo Drive and Marc Riche Salon awning.

7. (E8) INT. MARC RICHE HAIR SALON (BEVERLY HILLS) – DAY
Intros of narcissistic salon owner MARC RICHE, his Yes-Man intern TREVOR, his Yes-Parrot CHICO, rising star protégé HENRI, their handsome celebrity client, BRADLEY JAMES, and his supermodel wife, TIFFANY.

Marc shrieks loudly when he discovers that his new shipment of signature hair product, “Marc Riche Modeling Glue – Ultimate Hair Gel” has labels misspelled as “Marc RICE.” Marc wails: “The whole world knows it’s RICHE!” He slams the entire case into the trash.

When Marc’s tantrum subsides, they proceed with Bradley and Tiffany’s hair styling, where a hair style-off ensues.

They all make plans to see each other later at the Art Gallery/Celebrity Charity Fundraiser. As Bradley leaves, Marc apologizes that they were “all out” of his favorite product. Alone when he closes up, Henri takes the discarded case of “Modeling Glue” out of the trash.

8. (E6) INT. PINES & PALMS SENIOR CENTER – PAPY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Intro of Henri’s dashing 70ish grandfather (“PAPY”/FRANCOIS BERGER), who practically raised him. Papy’s torso is covered by a black nylon barber’s cape as Henri cuts and styles his hair using tools-of-the-trade from his stylist kit.

Henri gives Papy the discarded case of “Modeling Glue” for the Senior Center, taking a few tubes for himself first.

Papy shows Henri a flyer — the center will be showing the (fictitious) classic Western, WILL OF THE WEST. Henri tells Papy that his client, Bradley James, is starring in the remake. Papy wants Henri to join him for Movie Night; Henri promises to be there, “nothing could keep me away.” Papy’s hairstyle complete, he packs up his kit and leaves for the fundraiser.

9. (E8) INT. ART GALLERY – MAIN LOBBY – DAY
Charity Fundraiser: “Celebrities for Arts in Education.” A series of “living art tableaus.” Although Henri organized the event, Marc adds in a last-minute exhibit that involves Henri dressed as a clown: an homage to Picasso’s “Pierrot.” Marc is in the largest tableau, dressed in a nice dark suit with tails: a tribute to Seurat’s “Sunday in the Park.”

Intro of Henri’s best friend, JARED. Jared practices his homage to the infamous “Scream” painting. The scene ends with Jared’s “Scream” face on display.

10. (E6) INT. POLICE STATION – VARIOUS – NIGHT
Henri dressed in Police Academy sweat suit now. Sits with police sketch artist. Killer is Charles McKay, comes from a family of hitmen. Initial view of crime board (with Henri as possible suspect)

QUICK FLASH to crime scene, as Killer leaves house and snoops around Henri’s car. STYLIN. Mention of the stolen phone.

At Det. Stone’s desk, Henri leaves a voicemail to Marc and emails Jared. A plan is in place to keep Henri safe, in a place where no one will think to look for him — a salon in Vermont. Stone “knows a guy” — Sgt. Camden Parks. They served together back in the day. Stone fails to mention to Henri that the salon is, in fact, a DOG salon.

11. (E6) EXT. QUAINT VERMONT TOWN – DAY
Intro of ACADIA PARKS (Henri’s love interest), she’s like a doggie Pied Piper. Has connected many people in town with their dogs and their Forever Homes.

12. (E4) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON (VERMONT) – DAY
Intro of CAMDEN PARKS. He’s a by-the-book kinda guy. He finishes up a groom while talking to Acadia. She mentions quite a few guy’s names that she has plans with — turns out all of the “dates” are with dogs. Camden suggests that she “get back out there” and is cut off by Acadia who says she already surrounded 24-7 by all the love she needs. “And, dogs are infinitely more trustworthy than men.”

13. (E6) EXT. MARC’S CAR – NIGHT
Marc hears the voicemail. He’s distraught. “Oh, God no! Not Bradley!”

14. (E7) INT. LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – DAY
Det. Stone walks with Henri through the airport. Henri complains about having to wear a bullet-proof vest. Stone is stern, reminds him of imminent danger. “The Killer will be looking for you, where you worked, your home… In fact — Marc Riche may be a target.” Stone tells him to forget about his old life for now, needs to learn the new. Hands him a folder and burner phone.

Intercut with:

15. (E6) INT. JARED’S PLACE – SAME
Henri explains his situation to Jared in an email, but doesn’t tell him where he is. Asks Jared for 2 favors. Be his eyes and ears in California, look in on Papy when he can.

16. (E6) INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Glances through the folder containing his new I.D. and backstory. He’s HENRY SHEPHERD, moving to Vermont from Colorado. Henri tries to relax, and reaches for the “Beautiful People” magazine in his seat pocket. He gasps. Bradley’s handsome face smiles back at him. Cover headline: “BRADLEY JAMES, SEXIEST HUMAN ALIVE!”

– – – – – – – – – – – – ACT TWO

17. (E3) EXT. QUAINT VERMONT TOWN – DAY
Establishing shot. Scenic mountains, rural Vermont town.

18. (E9) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON – DAY
Henri meets Camden Parks, his contact while living incognito. Henri enters thinking he’s at a regular salon, makes a fool out of himself with several clients before he soon learns that he’s at a DOG salon.

Henri’s “BAD FIRST DAY” MONTAGE: dog humps his leg, dogs react poorly to him in general, Henri gets soaking wet doing baths, Camden shows him how to do the “gland expression.”

19. (E6) INT. BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE – DAY (POLICE INTERVIEW)
Det. Stone interviews Tiffany. Mentions her ex-husband Conan. (Maybe combine this scene with “celebration of life” scene? See below.)

20. (E8) INT./EXT. GREENFIELD DOG SHELTER – VERMONT – DAY
Henri and Acadia Meet-Cute. Henri sent on an errand to drop off shampoo.

Slips in fresh dog-poo, ruins his fancy loafers. When Acadia laughs, Henri attempts to flirt. He launches into his Joe Pesci/GoodFellas quote (So I’m funny, like a clown”). He bombs, and even frightens Acadia at first.

21. (E7) EXT. BEVERLY HILLS CEMETERY PARK – DAY
Needs elevating. Maybe it’s a “Celebration of Life” scene, rather than a conventional funeral? Folks gather around to pay their respects to Bradley James. They dress in costumes, paying tribute to some of Bradley’s most famous movie roles.

Casually lurking around is hitman Charles MacKay, also in costume. He listens in to conversations and glances over at Marc a few times. Marc seems to be oblivious.

22. (E4) PLACEHOLDER – HENRI LOOKS AT GALLERY PICS AT A COFFEE SHOP
Meanwhile, back in Vermont. Jared provides Henri with pics from the Gallery Fundraiser that he took on his iPhone. Henri sees STUART DRAKE’s living tableau as “The David.” While frozen in position, he appears to be pining for Tiffany (Bradley’s widow).

23. (E6) INT. PINES & PALMS SENIOR HOME – DAY
Jared stops by to check in on Papy, who now has a strangely moussed-up hairdo (he’s been using the Modeling Glue). Papy helps him run lines for a scene. Jared has a bit part in the remake of WILL OF THE WEST.

24. (E6) EXT. CONAN’S BACKYARD PATIO – CALIFORNIA – DAY
Det. Stone interviews Conan King (Tiffany’s Ex), re: the death of Bradley James.

25. (E5) PLACEHOLDER – CRIME-BOARD UPDATE1
Det. Stone updates the crime board, goes over status with his CSIs. Conan is a new suspect.

26. (E6) PLACEHOLDER – HENRI CHECKS IN WITH DET. STONE
Stone is condescending, doesn’t want Henri’s help solving the crime. Henri suggests that he look at Drake. Henri calls him out for not mentioning that the Sitting Pretty Salon is a DOG salon.

27. (E4) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Marc and Trevor running the salon. They tell clients Henri is “on vacation.” Marc is agitated at folks requesting Henri, rather than him.

28. (E4) STUART DRAKE’S OFFICE
Police interview. We learn that Conan King is next in line for the lead in the remake of WILL OF THE WEST.
Intercut with:
28. (E5) PLACEHOLDER – JARED SNOOPS AROUND THE SET
Jared finds out that things were going badly on the set, Bradley was being quite difficult.

29. (E4) INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jared updates Henri with info he gathered from snooping.

30. (E4) PLACEHOLDER – CRIME BOARD UPDATE
Det. Stone adds Drake as a suspect to the crime board. He was better off financially with Bradley gone.

31. (E6) INT. SITTING PRETTY – DAY
Intercut with
INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY

MONTAGE – INTERCUT BETWEEN SALONS. Highlight difference and similarities.
Tiffany almost bumps into Conan when she leaves the salon. Paparazzi takes photos. Marc scolds Trevor for scheduling their appointments so close together. Trevor shampoos Conan. (Move this up sooner?)

32. (E5) INT. SITTING PRETTY – DAY – CONTINUOUS
Work day is over. Henri discouraged. Then Acadia comes in and brightens his mood.

33. (E7) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY – POLICE INTERVIEW
Det. Stone interviews Marc. Marc appears to be safeguarding client info, but is really feeding info to Stone.

34. (E8) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY (FLASHBACK)
The “Vanity” magazine interview, flashback to Henri’s gum-in-hair incident from grade school. Young Henri meets Young Jared, who helps him out of an awkward sitch.

Henri experiments with Elmer’s Glue to hold his hair in place (the precursor to Modeling Glue development)

35. (E5) INT. DOG SHELTER – DAY
Henri finds an excuse to stop by and see Acadia (He realized that the dogs could use some crème rinse with their shampoo). Acadia is sorting mail. She has a copy of the <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Beautiful People magazine with Bradley on the cover. She comments to Henri that he looks a little like Bradley James — his hair anyway.

36. (E8) INT. SENIOR HOME / INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

INTERCUT SCENES. Jared & Papy are at the Senior Center’s movie night (with Charles MacKay lurking in the shadows, posing as a volunteer); Henri is home. All are simultaneously watching the original WILL OF THE WEST movie. Henri pauses the movie at a “mistaken identity” scene.

37. (E7) INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – BATHROOM
Looking in the mirror, Henri fusses with his hair and admits that he does look a little like Bradley. Reaches for a tube of Modeling Glue and discovers a correctly-spelled label under the erroneous one.

Henri concludes that the label snafu was intentional, and Marc set him up to be at Bradley’s —he was the intended hit. Bradley wasn’t supposed to come back to his house (but he forgot something)— and the hitman thought Henri was Bradley.

38. (E6) HENRI CALLS STONE
Henri is hysterical, calls Det. Stone and demands that he arrest Marc. Stone says there’s not enough evidence yet to link Marc to the crime. Henri is insistent that Stone share crime scene photos with him, even though Stone is doubtful that he’ll find anything new that his CSIs missed.

39. (E7) HENRI’S NIGHTMARE
Early days at the Marc Riche Salon, when Henri is a badly-treated intern. Chico the Parrot heckles him as he learning to do a style. Marc reminds Henri why he has been the obvious choice for the International Hair Show year after year.

40. (E4) INT. COFFEE SHOP/JARED’S APARTMENT

INTERCUT SCENES. Henri shares his discovery with Jared. Together they hatch a plan to get the evidence needed.

41. (E3) CRIME-SOLVING MONTAGE
Stone & his CSI team update one another on the crime and any new evidence. The timeline of events is bothering Det. Stone —Marc Riche’s story just doesn’t add up.

42. (E5) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON – DAY
He tells Camden what he suspects re: Marc arranging the hit on him. Henri is depressed that he’s stuck in his faux world for a while longer, continuing to live a lie. Henri’s mood changes when he gets a call from Acadia re: rescue dog emergency.

43. (E9) INT. DOG SHELTER – NIGHT
The amazing transformation of the tangled-fur mutt rescue. Acadia sees Henri in a new light. The dog does not have a name; they call him “Harry.”

44. (E5) INT. FRONT OFFICE – NIGHT

Henri and Acadia share their backstories while they eat takeout. Flashback to Young Henri and Middle-aged Papy, where Papy over-dresses Henri for the first day of school. Acadia shares with Henri that she wants to organize a Doggie Adoption event at the shelter.

45. (E4) INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Henri reviews crime scene photos of Bradley’s house. Henri sees the flat black box on the credenza in foyer —similar to the one that Tiffany had at the Gallery event. He zooms in on label on box: it’s notes the name of a photo studio.

That’s it! Bradley came back to the house for his head shots, that he has intended to sign at the Gallery Fundraiser. More proof that he wasn’t supposed to be at the house at all. And that Bradley did not walk in with the script, it was planted.

46. (E9) EXT. GREENFIELD PARK – VERMONT – DAY
Acadia invites Henri on a picnic, she brings lunch, tunes, and her Yellow Lab, Shane, “Harry” & a Chuck-It/ball. When Acadia serves up lunch, Henri attempts to “chuck” the tennis ball to Shane, wreaking havoc amongst fellow park picnickers.

When Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” plays, Shane howls at the harmonica music as Acadia sings along, loudly and off key. Acadia explains that he’s partial to the harmonica, it always gets him going.

Henri is laughing at them hard. All of the sudden Acadia looks very hurt. Then she launches into her Joe Pesci “So I’m a clown, I amuse you?”/GoodFellas impression (the worst ever), and Henri feels a new connection to her.

As Henri looks around at the folks in the park walking their dogs, he realizes that it reminds him of the Seurat painting. “Sunday in the Park with Dogs” concept is born, a large Doggie Fair with vendors etc. Before their picnic is over, Henri has the idea to name the transformed mutt “GoodFella.”

47. (E9) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON, VERMONT – DAY
Henri starts his creative “furry coiffures” in the shop, to Camden’s initial dismay. But Camden comes around when he sees the customer’s reactions, and the shop debuts owner/dog ‘dos, where the dog’s style complements their owner’s.

48. (E5) INT. ACADIA’S PLACE (DOG SHELTER) – NIGHT
Planning details for the Fair while playing with dogs in the yard. Henri practices his Chuck-It skills, but he still needs work. Henri has an idea to include mascots (people in doggy suits). Acadia likes that idea, but wants to only have <u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>one.

Acadia opens up to Henri, shares with him the details of her old boyfriend who left her to pursue his career as an LL Bean cover model. They end the evening on a kiss, but that’s as far as Henri lets things go.

49. (E8) INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON, VERMONT – DAY
Fun montage of doggy do’s. (The Promise of the Premise.) Cam updates the website, which already features the Dog Fair on home page. Accidentally posts a video, unaware Henri’s voice is in the background on one of them.

50. (E9) INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Henri and Acadia have dinner and go over final details for the fair, which is tomorrow.

They are excited about the fair. Acadia is grateful. An innocent hug turns into more. They proceed to the bedroom. Shane in living room cocks his head. Henri misses a number of phone messages.

51. (E6) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Tiffany plays a video link sent by a friend, while in the lobby at Marc Riche Salon. She and Marc hear Henri’s voice.

– – – – – – – – – – – – ACT THREE

52. (E7) INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – DAY
Henri & Acadia wake up smiling from their intimate night of passion. Shane is in bed with them, they’re one happy family. They share coffee. It’s the Sunday morning of the Dog Fair.

Henri styles her hair, pretends not to know how. Right after she heads out the door,

he sees the missed calls.

55. (E6) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Marc’s on his way to NYC to the big show. Leaves Trevor in charge. Says goodbye to Chico.

56. (E7) INTERCUT MONTAGE
Contrasts the set-up of Dog Fair with International Hair Show.

57. (E6) INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – DAY
Talks to Camden. Tells him to be careful at the Fair. The hitman MacKay is a Master of Disguise.

Even though he was told to stay put, Henri heads out of his house and gets in his car. A medium-size cardboard box sits on the passenger seat. He calls Jared.

58. (E5) EXT. GREENFIELD PARK – DAY
Opens up box, the dog mascot suit is inside. Henri puts it on as a disguise.

59. (E8) INT./EXT. GREENFIELD PARK – EVENT TENT – DAY
A crowd of folks mill in and out of the event tent. Henri arrives in his full-body Golden Retriever suit and heads towards Acadia. He puts his furry paw around her waist. Attempts to tell her everything, but they both get sidetracked. Acadia sees a second mascot, and walks over to him while he is distracted.

60. (E8) EXT. GREENFIELD PARK – LAWN – DAY
Acadia approaches the shaggy dog mascot, thinking it’s one of her volunteers.

She’s shocked when he pulls a gun from his vest. He tells Acadia that she and her dog should quietly walk with him. He shoves them in a minivan with tinted windows.

61. (E6) INT. MINIVAN – CONTINUOUS
The shaggy dog mascot (MacKay) ties them both up. Puts a tennis ball in Shane’s mouth. He wags his tail. Explains to her that they’ll be fine as long as her boyfriend, Henri, cooperates.

MacKay tells Acadia that “Henry Shepherd” is an imposter. He leaves them alone in the van, a look of terror in Acadia’s eyes.

62. (E8) INT. GREENFIELD PARK EVENT TENT – DAY
MacKay (in a dog suit) continues to sneak around the park.

Det. Stone seeks out MacKay. After Stone leaves, Henri paces back and forth. Impatient. Puts biscuits and several talking balls (need to set this up, show the toy vendor booth) in his vest pocket. Grabs a Chuck-It thrower and defiantly leaves the tent, on a mission to find MacKay and save Acadia.

63. (E10) EXT. PARK – DAY – VARIOUS LOCATIONS
Stone is in the outer part of the park looking for MacKay, far away from the tent. Henri in his Golden suit on the other end. Quickly moves from tree to tree, eyes peeled for McKay while staying obstructed from view. And then Henri spies the Shaggy-Dog McKay. He grabs one of the talking ball toys from his pocket and rolls it out towards McKay. Henri whips the rock-hard biscuit at McKay’s arm and knocks the gun down on ground.

Henri and MacKay wrestle in dog suits. Tail pulling, biting, strangling, etc.

Stone catches up to them. They pull MacKay off of Henri and put hand cuffs on his furry paws. They pull his dog head off. Confirm that it’s MacKay.

64. (E9) PLACEHOLDER: GOODFELLA FINDS SHANE & ACADIA
Det. Stone and Henri return to tent with Camden. Music on loud speaker. Someone mentions that “they couldn’t have gotten too far.” Henri gets the idea to play a song with harmonica music. He blasts Blues Traveler’s “Runaround” which causes Shane to drop the tennis ball out of his mouth and howl. Henri, Det. Stone, and a pack of dogs all run towards the sound of Shane’s howling, with GoodFella in the lead.

65. (E9) INT. VAN – DAY
Henri embraces her, fighting back tears. She pushes him away.

Henri walks away from Acadia, back into the park grounds. Tail between his legs. A GUNSHOT rings out. Acadia SCREAMS. Henri falls to the ground, motionless.

66. (E8) INT. HOTEL – MARC RICHE SALON BOOTH – NYC – DAY
Marc is setting up at his booth at the International Hair Show. He’s surprised to see Jared, who is distraught. Jared tells him Henri’s been killed.

67. (E9) EXT. PARK – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – DAY
Acadia and Det. Stone run to the motionless Henri.

68. (E9) EXT. PARK – CAM & STONE CHASE BADGUY – CONTINUOUS
After shots fired back and forth, Camden successfully saves Stone and Acadia. Brother Kyle MacKay gets stuffed into same car as Charles.

69. (E9) INT. HOTEL – EVENT HALL – DAY
Marc is on stage, preparing to do a hair product and styling demo. Tiffany and Jared in the audience. Tiffany and Jared step aside, and out pops Henri, shocking Marc.

Major showdown between Marc and Henri. Henri tells Marc that Chico gave him up, “he sang like a bird.”

70. (E6) INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY (QUICK FLASH)
Jared is in the salon talking with Trevor. Distracts him, walks over to Chico’s birdcage and plants a bug.

71. (E6) Det. Stone tells Henri he’s free to return to his old life, now that all the bad guys have been arrested. Has new respect for Henri and his help closing the case.

72. (E8) INT. DOG SHELTER, VT – DAY
RESOLUTION. Henri begs forgiveness from Acadia. Adopts the mutt GoodFella. Acadia forgives him. Henri invites her and Shane outside. Papy is there as well.

73. (E7) EXT. DOG SHELTER – DAY
They drive away in the slightly-dented Subaru. His Vermont license plate reads: “STYLIN.”

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Character Intro

WHAT I LEARNED: although my original plan for the “murder-witness” scene (below) is hopefully entertaining, it does not highlight Henri’s Character Traits. I’ve added a “precursor” scene to appear just before it, to serve as the official Protag Intro. But I still need to add more character into the murder-witness scene (as it is not going away).

– – – – – – – – –

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>CORE TRAITS: Ridiculously Vain, Materialistic, Witty/Sarcastic, Creative/Artsy, Caring

Old Beats

– Henri pulls up to movie star Bradley James’ house in Malibu. He’s been sent on an errand to drop off some “important” hair product.

– He sees Bradley walk towards front door of his house, tries to get his attention.

– Bradley does not see him, walks inside.

– From the driveway, Henri looks into the window and witnesses a man shoot and kill Bradley.

– Henri ducks behind a Yucca plant to hide as the hitman exits out the back door.

– Hitman sees his car and memorable “STYLIN” vanity plate parked near his SVU. Looks back at the house and spots Henri.

– Henri and Hitman lock eyes. A foot chase ensues.

New Beats

– Henri is in slow-moving rush-hour traffic. Show “STYLIN” California Vanity plate on his spotless, new convertible.

– He primps when car is stopped. Adjusts his “sun-kissed” hair, brushes teeth with finger.

– Flirts as attractive women pass by in their cars.

– Adjusts his bright-colored shirt, can’t decide on number of buttons to unbutton. Gets caught looking at himself in mirror by the adjacent driver. Laughs it off. But traffic isn’t moving, and he’s stuck with his embarrassment.

– Grabs one of the “Modeling Glue” hair product tubes out of a plastic salon shopping bag; he does an impromptu commercial.

– We learn he’s on a hair product errand that’s more important to his boss than to him — as he does an impression of his boss to pass the time.

– Traffic finally moves, Henri gets off on his exit. This leads us to Bradley James’ house.

– – – – – – – – – – – – –

TANGLED UP (Rom-Com / Thriller)

FADE IN:

INT. / EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FREEWAY – DAY

In a sea of bumper-to-bumper traffic, a spotless convertible with a lone passenger crawls ahead. California Vanity plate: “STYLIN.”

HENRI BERGER, early 30’s, is good-looking and knows it. He should, he puts in a lot of work. His painstakingly “sun-kissed” hair sways in the breeze — when the rush hour mob moves, that is. He flashes his pearly-whites as attractive women slowly pass by.

Now at a full stop, he checks his reflection in his rearview. Pulls down his mirrored sunglasses to get a better look. Readjusts his upwardly styled bed-head hair to look even more casual. “Brushes” his teeth with his finger.

He looks down at his brightly-colored Ralph Lauren shirt. Unbuttons the top button. And then another. Checks the result in his side-view mirror, then decides to go back up a button.

He suddenly realizes that the man in the Hybrid to his left has been watching him curiously. Henri shrugs it off and laughs while they are stalled side-by-side.

Henri grabs a tube of hair product from the “MARC RICHE SALON” shopping bag on the passenger seat. He holds it up and studies it.

Close on product label: “MARC RICHE SALON – MODELING GLUE – ULTIMATE HAIR GEL.” Henri holds the tube next to his cheek and looks back over at Hybrid Man.

HENRI
(in a cheesy announcer voice)
Modeling Glue — trusted by top models
around the globe.
(raises his eyebrows)
Imagine what it could do for you.

Hybrid Man just shakes his head and looks away. Henri puts the product tube back in the bag, looks straight ahead and sighs.

HENRI
(smugly, as if
mimicking someone)

“Henri — could you be a dear
and run some of Bradley’s
favorite out to his house?”
(clasps his hands)
“He’d be eternally grateful.”

Henri suddenly brightens as traffic begins to move again. Hands back on the wheel, his convertible finds its way to the Malibu exit.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Character Story Beats – TANGLED UP

Logline: When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.

– – – – – – – HENRI BERGER

Role in Story: Protagonist / Celebrity Hairstylist-turned-Dog Groomer

Core Traits: Ridiculously Vain, Materialistic, Witty, Talented, Loyal

Character Subtext Logline: Henri Berger hides his true identity out of fear — and changes where he lives, his name, and his occupation to evade the hitman.

Character Arc: In his faux world, he discovers what matters most to him — and becomes less Materialistic

World View: a good hairstyle is transformational

BEGINNING: Hollywood Hairstylist Henri witnesses a murder, and relocates for his safety

MIDDLE: He initially flops —then excels — in his new rural Vermont world working incognito as a dog groomer

END: Prefers his new life and new relationship. He decides to stay in VT, even after the Bad Guys are caught and he’s free to return to his old CA world.

Beats/Broad strokes:

1. When sent on a “hair product” errand, Henri witnesses the murder of one of the salon’s A-List clients, Bradley James

2. He’s chased by the hitman, runs for his life, and temporarily evades him.

3. A look into Henri’s “before” world. Rising star in a Celebrity hair salon, plans and attends celebrity fundraisers, part of the IT crowd

4. We see Henri with his grandfather who raised him, and with his best friend since childhood, Jared.

5. Henri identifies the hitman to Det. Stone & Ramirez: the notorious Charles McKay

6. Det. Stone sets Henri up in a salon in Vermont; fails to tell him that it’s a DOG salon.

7. Boards plane with his new Henry Shepherd identity and backstory

– – – –

8. Henri’s first days in the dog salon do not go well. His contact and confidante, Camden Parks, shows him the ropes (much to Henri’s dismay and disgust)

9.Henri meets Camden’s sister, Acadia, at the local dog shelter. He makes a foolish first impression.

10. Henri tries to discover the reason behind Bradley’s hit. Enlists the help of Jared back in CA, and asks him to look in on his Papy while he’s away.

11. Henri slowly gets more proficient with dog grooming, and has a few more casual encounters with Acadia. He’s looking less foolish.

12. Henri gets an emergency call from Acadia re: a rescue that’s in really bad shape

Henri does some research, heads to the shelter with his stylist kit, and is able to transform the dog, allowing his inner beauty to shine

13. Henri brings his newfound skills to the dog salon, and impresses even Camden, who posts lots of new photos and videos on Instagram

14. Henri and Acadia’s relationship grows stronger. Henri comes up with an idea for Doggie Adoption Fair, and they spend time working on it together.

16. But Henri needs more proof to connect Marc to the crime. He and Jared hatch a plan.

17. Meanwhile, Henri’s furry coiffures accidentally go viral, and his cover is blown

– – – – – –

18. Henri is told to leave town for his safety, but he’s tired of running. Stays to face the music.

19. He tries to tell Acadia the truth, but it’s too late

20. Showdown with MacKay and his bro Kyle at the Doggie Adoption Fair. Henri defeats both, who are arrested by Stone & Ramirez

21. Henri leaves for NYC for an even bigger showdown with Marc Riche at the International Hair Show

22. Henri confronts Marc, publicly humiliates him and then provides Det. Stone and Ramirez with the proof needed to connect him to the hit on Bradley

23. Henri is free to return to his old world, but doesn’t stay there very long.

24. Henri goes back to Vermont. Begs Acadia to forgive him (she does).

25. Adopts the mutt he transformed. Camden makes him his partner.

26. Henri drives away from the shelter with Acadia, their dogs, and his Papy (surprise).

– – – – – – – MARC RICHE

Role in Story: Owner of the Beverly Hills Marc Riche Salon

Core Traits: Narcissistic, Materialistic, Manipulative, Jealous, Homicidal

Character Subtext Logline: Marc is an insecure hairstylist who manipulates people around him to inflate and validate his own “superstar” status

Unique: his only true friend is his parrot, Chico, who always squawks his praises.

BEGINNING: Marc shows that he is Lord of the Salon / World of Hair.

MIDDLE: Marc makes a number of personal and professional adjustments after Bradley’s death and Henri’s relocation.

END: Marc is publicly humiliated at the International Hair Show, and arrested when Henri provides the proof needed to connect him to Bradley’s accidental death / intended hit of Henri

Beats/Broad Strokes:

1. Marc discovers that his name has been misspelled on a new shipment of his signature hair product. He raises Holy Hell and throws the case in the trash.

2. Marc subtly bests Henri in a number of ways.

3. Marc has secured a fresh supply of the hair product. He asks Henri to run some out to Bradley’s place.

4. Marc almost runs off the road when he learns of movie star Bradley James’ death.

5. Marc attends Bradley’s funeral, comforts Tiffany. He is watched by the hitman, Charles McKay.

6. Marc & assistant Trevor run the salon while Henri is away.

7. Marc volunteers to replace Henri as keynote speaker at the International Hair Show in NYC.

8. Marc is interrogated by police. Marc shares helpful info re: Tiffany (Bradley’s widow)’s ex-husband Conan and Stuart Drake, movie producer

9. Marc is stalked and threatened by the hitman

10. Marc prepares for the NYC show, leaves Trevor in charge of Chico and the phones.

11. Marc is surprised to see Henri. A major showdown transpires. Marc is arrested.

– – – – – – – DETECTIVE KURT STONE

Role in Story: Lead detective/Henri’s Liaison while in police custody

Core Traits: Confident, Old-Fashioned, Sarcastic, Secretive to Deceptive

Character Subtext Logline: Det. Stone keeps key crime info to himself, operates as a loner even though he has a partner

Flaw: He rarely lets people surprise him, thinks he has everyone figured out

Arc: Henri and Det. Ramirez both surprise him and earn his respect.

BEGINNING: Det. Stone relocates the key witness of movie star Bradley James for his protection.

MIDDLE: Det. Stone and his partner piece together clues re: the hit of Bradley James.

END: Det. Stone arrests the Bad Guys, with the help of Henri

Beats/Broad Strokes:

1. Det. Kurt Stone directs CSIs at movie star Bradley James’ murder scene.

2. Det. Stone and police sketch artist work with key witness Henri to identify the hitman.

3. Det. Stone sets up Henri into police protection, relocates him to Vermont and sets him up with Camden Parks, salon owner. He fails to tell Henri that the salon he will be working in is a DOG salon.

4. Stone warns Henri to trust only Camden — for everyone’s safety, no one can know where he’s hiding incognito with his new identity

5. Det. Stone checks in with Henri. He does not believe Henri can be of any help “working the case.”

6. Det. Stone and his partner (Ramirez) work the case, slowly making progress and updating their “crime board.”

7. Det. Stone tells Henri to leave Vermont when he learns his cover is blown. He heads to Vermont to deal with the Bad Guys.

8. Det. Stone arrests Bad Guys with the help of Henri.

9. Det. Stone is able to make the final arrest and close the case, with the help of Henri, who he now respects.

– – – – – – – ACADIA PARKS

Role in Story: Love Interest / Dog Shelter Manager / Camden’s Sister

Core Traits: Dog-Lover to Social Recluse, Guarded, Determined, Sentimental

Character Subtext Logline: Acadia is a relationship-averse woman who buries herself in the company of dogs to avoid being hurt again.

Character Arc: She slowly puts her trust in Henri
Mission/Agenda: Leave No Dog Behind. She’s committed to finding Forever Homes for all her shelter dogs.

BEGINNING: Acadia surrounds herself 24-7 with dogs. She has been burned by men.

MIDDLE: She grows to trust her brother’s new assistant “Henry,” and falls for him.

END: She learns that most of what Henry has told her has been a lie — but forgives him after he grovels.

Beats/Broad Strokes:

1. Wherever she goes, Acadia bumps into dogs and the families she’s connected.

2. Acadia meets her brother Camden’s new assistant Henry— she thinks he’s a bit much.

3. Acadia gets to know Henry a little better; he’s not as bad as she thought.

4. Acadia has an emergency with a shelter dog whose fur is horribly matted. She turns to Henry for help, and is moved by the dog’s transformation.

5. Acadia invites Henri out to a picnic in the park, and brings her Yellow Lab Shane. along. In addition to having a lovely time, and she is impressed with Henri’s ideas for her Doggie Adoption Fair.

6. As they plan the Doggie Adoption Fair, Acadia grows closer to Henri and they fall in love.

7. Acadia chats briefly with Henry the morning of the fair, he says he has something urgent to tell her. Before he can blurt it out, she is distracted. She and Shane head towards one of the mascots dressed in a dog suit.

8. Acadia discovers the mascot is actually a thug who drags her and Shane off to a van, and ties them up.

9. Acadia is shocked to learn from the thug that her “Henry Shepherd” is really Henri Berger, and also frightened at being kidnapped.

10. Acadia is rescued by Henri. She is both relieved and very hurt that he has been lying to her. Despite his apologies and explanations, she wants nothing more to do with him as he leaves for NYC for the final showdown.

11. Acadia is surprised to see Henri back inside her dog shelter. He not only grovels, he adopts the dog that they transformed together.

12. Henri tells her he’s there to stay — Camden has made him a partner in the dog salon. He also introduces her to his Papy, who has joined him in Vermont.

13. Acadia sees that Henri is sincere in his commitment to her and his VT life.

14. Acadia forgives Henri, they all drive away happy.

– – – – – – – CAMDEN PARKS

Role in Story: Dog Salon Owner / Henri’s Contact & Confidante / Acadia’s Brother

Core Traits: Conservative, Trustworthy, Over-protective, Politically-Correct

Character Subtext Logline: Camden is an overly-conservative Dog Groomer who rejects new ideas to avoid failure

Arc: With Henri’s encouragement, he takes some chances in the salon (which brings him success)

BEGINNING: Camden agrees to help Henri live and work incognito in his dog salon.

He is the only one who knows his secret.

MIDDLE: Camden sees that Henri’s new furry coiffures can bring new life to his business. Camden grows concerned that his sister is growing too close to Henri and may get hurt.

END: Camden makes Henri his partner in the salon.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Character Profiles

What I learned: Figuring out the Character Subtext Logline was one of the trickiest parts of this exercise. It forced me to see a side of my characters that I hadn’t considered before.
– – – – – – – – – – –

TANGLED UP (Rom-Com / Thriller)

When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.

– – – – – – – HENRI BERGER

Role in Story: Protagonist / Celebrity Hairstylist-turned-Dog Groomer

Core Traits: Vain, Materialistic, Witty, Talented, Loyal

Character Subtext Logline: Henri Berger hides his true identity out of fear — and changes where he lives, his name, and his occupation to evade the hitman.

Character Arc: In his faux world, he discovers what matters most to him — and becomes less Materialistic

World View: a good hairstyle is transformational

Elevated Trait: From Vain to Ridiculously Vain. Example: he wears Italian designer loafers to a dog shelter and steps in poop. Dresses to look good, rather than being practical.

– – – – – – – MARC RICHE

Role in Story: Owner of the Beverly Hills Marc Riche Salon

Core Traits: Narcissistic, Manipulative, Materialistic, Insecure

Character Subtext Logline: Marc is an insecure hairstylist who manipulates people around him to inflate and validate his own “superstar” status.

Unique: his only true friend is his parrot, Chico, who always squawks his praises.

Elevated Trait: Manipulative to Homicidal. Will murder someone who eclipses his “star.”

– – – – – – – DETECTIVE KURT STONE

Role in Story: Lead detective / Henri’s Liaison while in police custody

Core Traits: Confident, Old-Fashioned, Sarcastic, Secretive

Character Subtext Logline: Det. Stone keeps key crime info to himself, operates as a loner even though he has a partner

Flaw: He rarely lets people surprise him, believes that he has everyone figured out

Arc: Henri and Det. Ramirez both surprise him and earn his respect

Elevated Trait: From Secretive to Deceptive. Example: For expediency, he fails to mention to Henri that the salon he’s being relocated to in Vermont is in fact, a DOG salon.

– – – – – – – ACADIA PARKS

Role in Story: Love Interest / Dog Shelter Manager / Camden’s Sister

Core Traits: Dog-Lover, Determined, Guarded, Sentimental

Character Subtext Logline: Acadia is a relationship-averse woman who buries herself in the company of dogs to avoid being hurt again.

Character Arc: She slowly puts her trust in Henri

Mission/Agenda: Leave No Dog Behind. She’s committed to finding Forever Homes for all her shelter dogs.

Elevated Trait: From Dog-Lover to Social Recluse. Example: She goes out on dates with dogs, rather than men.

– – – – – – – CAMDEN PARKS

Role in Story: Dog Salon Owner / Henri’s Contact & Confidante / Acadia’s Brother

Core Traits: Conservative, Trustworthy, Protective, Politically-Correct

Character Subtext Logline: Camden is an overly-conservative Dog Groomer who pooh-poohs new ideas to avoid failure.

Arc: With Henri’s encouragement, he takes some stylistic chances in the salon (which brings him success)

Elevated Trait: Protective to Over-Protective when it comes to Henri and his sister, Acadia. Camden will take steps to ensure their relationship doesn’t blossom.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Structure Revisions

What I learned: Changing my OPENING to the INCITING INCIDENT (see Version 2) may create a more exciting first-pages read, as it includes the following by P3:
Surprise, Mild Blood & Violence, Action, Suspense, Brief Tasteful Nudity, Humor, Character, and Conflict.

The original Version 1 was more about Character and Plot Set-ups.
– – – – – – – – – – –

TITLE: TANGLED UP

LOGLINE: When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.

MAIN CONFLICT: Celebrity Hairstylist Henri Berger must live a lie to stay alive.

– – – – – Structure Version 1

OPENING:
(P1-3) Intro of Protag and World: Celebrity Hairstylist HENRI BERGER in the prestigious MARC RICHE SALON on Rodeo Drive. We also meet the narcissistic MARC RICHE, Hollywood A-Lister BRADLEY JAMES, his supermodel wife TIFFANY, Marc’s suck-up assistant TREVOR, and Marc’s Amazon parrot CHICO, whose vocabulary is limited to accolades about Marc.

Marc is extremely upset when he opens up a box containing a new shipment. The label on his signature product —Marc Riche Modeling Glue — has his name misspelled as “Marc Rice.” Oh, the Horror!

After Marc’s drama subsides, a “hair style-off” ensues between Henri and Marc. While Henri styles Bradley’s locks to perfection, Marc takes Tiffany’s up-do to an extreme.

All make plans to meet later in the day at the Celebrity Charity Fundraiser event.

(P4-6) We meet Henri’s grandfather PAPI, who raised him.

INCITING INCIDENT: “4 HRS LATER”
(P7-9) Sent on an errand to drop off a fresh shipment of the “Modeling Glue” hair product to BRADLEY JAMES, he arrives at his Malibu house. As Henri walks up the driveway, he has a shocking view through the window — Bradley’s getting shot! The killer sees Henri, and a foot chase ensues. Henri is able to elude him for the time being.

BY PAGE 10, YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT:
We know that Henri’s world is about to change drastically: the killer will continue to hunt him down.

FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1:
Henri sits with a sketch artist, revealing the killer to be a notorious hitman. Detectives STONE & RAMIREZ arrange for him to be relocated to a place where no one will ever think to look for him (a dog salon in Vermont, under the alias of HENRY SHEPHERD). He must leave his successful, designer world behind until the culprits are behind bars. He asks Jared to be his eyes and ears in California while he’s away, and to look in on his Papi.

MID-POINT:
Henri remains focused on finding out who hired the hit on Bradley, while he adjusts to his new Vermont world and job at the dog salon. He becomes close with salon owner CAMDEN and his sister ACADIA, manager of the local dog shelter. Recently betrayed in a relationship, she prefers the company of dogs to men — but slowly comes to trust “Henry.”

He slowly comes to a realization that Bradley James was NOT the target of the hit — he was. And what’s worse: he believes Marc Riche was the one who arranged the hit.

But he has no solid proof. He refocuses his efforts on implicating Marc, and hatches a scheme with Jared. Henri accepts that he will not be leaving Vermont anytime soon.

He becomes even closer with Acadia, and does makeovers for her shelter dogs. Together, they plan a big Doggie Adoption Fair at the park. He takes his grooming skills to a whole new level, and business is booming at the dog salon.

SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2:
Before Henri and the police can connect Marc to the crime, Henri’s furry coiffures accidentally go viral and his cover is blown.

CRISIS:
As the Bad Guys close in, Detective Stone arranges for Henri to leave town immediately. If Henri stays, he risks his life and those close to him. But if he leaves, he risks losing what could be the love of his life.

CLIMAX:
Henri decides to stay — he’s tired of living a lie. He confronts the Bad Guys head-on at the Doggie Adoption Fair, with the help of Detectives Stone & Ramirez. Acadia is kidnapped and Henri saves her, but now she wants nothing more to do with him. Everything he’s told her has been a lie.

There’s one more person left for Henri to confront. He heads to NYC and has the final showdown with Marc at the International Hair Show. He tricks Marc and provides the proof needed for police to arrest him, right after he publicly humiliates him.

RESOLUTION:
Henri is free to return to his old Hollywood world — but doesn’t. He returns to Vermont, where Camden makes him a partner. Henri begs Acadia to forgive him, and she does. He even adopts a big, goofy mutt from the shelter.

In the final scene, we see that Papi has joined Henri in Vermont. Papi, Acadia, and their dogs all drive away from the shelter, Henri at the wheel of his slightly dented Subaru — Vermont license plate “STYLIN.”

– – – – – – Structure Version 2

NEW OPENING

Main purpose: Intro Protag & World. Set-up the plot.

OPENING:
(1/2 page) Intro of Protag and World: Celebrity Hairstylist HENRI BERGER on Rodeo Drive in his new convertible, California license plate “STYLIN.” He cruises on the highway, pre-occupied and a bit annoyed.

INCITING INCIDENT:
(P2) Sent on an errand to drop off an “important” hair product to Hollywood A-Lister BRADLEY JAMES, he arrives at his Malibu house. As Henri walks up the driveway, he has a shocking view through the window — Bradley’s getting shot!
The killer sees Henri, and a foot chase ensues. Henri is able to elude him for the time being.

BY PAGE 10, YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT:
(P3) We know that Henri’s world is about to change drastically: the killer will continue to hunt him down.

The rest of Structure follows previous version, shown above.

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, Johnny.

Here are my thoughts on your Synopsis:

– Looks like a great 4-Quadrant story! And so many opportunities for family tension, plot twists, betrayals and character arcs.

– I have to admit that I know nothing about the Gaming World, or how cheating is possible. But I can see how that will add more layers to the story.

– Your synopsis reads well. The only thing that I’d like to see more of is the Comedy aspect. Your ending is inherently funny — the son having to take custody of the shady father — LOL! But since I have not read your script, I’m not sure where the other funny moments are.

Are your characters quirky, off-beat, or incongruent etc? If so, can you add in more character description (to hint at possible comedic situations)? Or, are there some funny “trailer moments” you’ve thought about that you could include in your synopsis?

That’s all I can think of for now. Great work!

Pamela

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Logline and One-pager

What I learned: It was really tough for me to gel my story down! My goal was 500 words; I hope the synopsis for TANGLED UP is easy to follow.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

TANGLED UP is a fish-out-of-water Comedy, written in the vein of blockbusters like SISTER ACT and TRADING PLACES.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Logline: When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Hollywood hairstylist HENRI BERGER’s career is on a rocket ship. He was featured in a recent style magazine, the planned keynote speaker for the International Hair Show, and a rising star at the prestigious Marc Riche Salon.

But when the salon’s narcissistic owner, MARC RICHE, sends him to Hollywood A-Lister BRADLEY JAMES’ house on an errand, Henri’s career does a complete 180. He witnesses Bradley’s shocking murder, and later identifies the hitman to a police sketch artist. For his protection, Henri must leave his designer world behind until the killer is behind bars. He’s relocated to Vermont, where he becomes — of all things — a dog groomer.

Henri’s Vermont contact, and only other person who knows his secret, is dog salon owner CAMDEN PARKS. Training Henri is an uphill battle. He doesn’t know his Shih Tzus from Shinola, not to mention his distaste for their messy canine clientele. But motivated by fear, Henri adapts to his new world. Meanwhile, he fixates on solving the mystery behind Bradley’s murder, desperate to return to his “real world” and salvage his career.

When Camden’s sister, ACADIA, meets Henri at the local dog shelter, she thinks he’s a bit much. But when a new rescue needs an emergency makeover, she turns to him. Henri researches cutting-edge grooming techniques and uses his stylist expertise to painstakingly tame his tangled, matted fur — revealing the beauty beneath the beast. Acadia sees Henri in a whole new light.

Henri brings his newfound techniques and some show biz flair to the dog salon and manages to impress even Camden, Mr. Conservative. Meanwhile, Camden is concerned that his sister’s falling for a man with a false identity and a target on his back. As they grow closer, Henri longs to reveal his secret to Acadia, but doesn’t risk it.

While he pieces together clues and offers unsolicited advice to the police, Henri eventually comes to a shocking revelation. Bradley James was not the target after all — he was. And Marc Riche orchestrated the hit! But Henri and the police have no real proof.

Before they can connect Marc to the crime, Henri’s furr­y coiffures accidentally go viral and his cover is blown. Finding himself between a Rotty and a hard place with no place to hide, he must leave town immediately before Marc’s hired guns close in. If he stays, he risks his life and those close to him. If he leaves, he risks losing the love of his life.

Henri decides there’s more risk in leaving than staying, and confronts the Bad Guys head-on, defeating them in a David-and-Goliath type showdown. Goons apprehended, he heads to the International Hair Show in NYC for the ultimate face-off, where he publicly humiliates Marc and provides the proof needed to arrest him.

Now free to return to his old world — he doesn’t. Although he was living a lie, he was able to discover some surprising truths and redefine his own success and happiness.

Camden makes Henri his partner — and, after much groveling and ‘splaining — his relationship with Acadia becomes stronger than ever.

[Pamela Rice]

I, Pamela Rice, agree to the terms of the class Confidentiality Release Form.

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, my name is Pamela Rice.

I introduced myself earlier, but I think it may have gotten lost within the Professional Rewrite 72 group postings. I’m guessing we are PR74?

This is my first solo attempt at a screenplay.

I’ve collaborated on several Rom-Coms with my hubby, and I’m currently working on a Comedy/Thriller concept that was conceived in Hal’s Comedy class 2 years ago.

I’m hoping to improve the overall quality of my script as I go through the class, and make sure each scene is as entertaining as possible.

In addition to being a newbie screenwriter, I am a co-owner of a doggie daycare.

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, my name is Pamela Rice.

This is my first solo attempt at a screenplay.

I’ve collaborated on several Rom-Coms with my hubby, and I’m currently working on a Comedy/Thriller concept that was conceived in Hal’s Comedy class 2 years ago.

I’m hoping to improve the overall quality of my script as I go through the class, and make sure each scene is as entertaining as possible.

In addition to being a newbie screenwriter, I am a co-owner of a doggie daycare.

[Pamela Rice]

I, Pamela Rice, agree to the

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Pamela Rice]

I have really enjoyed the class, am able to write much faster than before. I still have a ways to go before I have what I’d consider a first draft, I’m only about halfway there.

Best of luck to everyone, hope to bump into you in another class.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Scene Problems

What I learned: I went through all of my scenes (both outlines and actual scenes) and made sure I was clear re: Purpose/Moving Forward/Conflict/Arc. It was extremely tedious, but very worthwhile.

I still have to go thru and finish writing many of my scenes, but I feel that the structure is sound. And will write with the above 4 items in the forefront as I create.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s (Solved?) Character Problems

What I learned: I’ve identified where I have some character problems — but I would not say that they are solved just yet. Right now it seems overwhelming. I’m going to make improvements a little bit at a time as I go thru my script, so that I don’t “shut down.”

Character Issues – To Do List

A. Weak Protagonist or Antagonist.

PROTAG: HENRI

– Tweak Henri a little more to show Old Ways in opening scenes.
Flirty, enjoying the “it” crowd, needing validation.
– Show him yearning for his old life in Act 2. And initially unhappy in the dog salon, but trying to fit in, only doing the minimum though. A main goal for solving the crime is to get his old life back.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

ANTAG: MARC

– Need to show clear reasons why Marc would hate Henri enough to want him killed and out of his life forever. Expand on current placeholders to show this. In a nutshell: Henri was stealing Marc’s spotlight. It wouldn’t have been enough to simply fire him — his clients would go with Henri, should he start his own salon. When Henri was chosen as keynote speaker for Hair Show… that was the last straw, and the nail in Henri’s coffin.

The “Vanity” mag issue might be a good place to do this. Show Marc’s reactions to Henri’s rise to fame/talent. Show him setting Henri up to fail. Maybe bring in the “Modeling Glue” product as an issue? Who really invented it??

– Make Marc more 3D. Currently, he’s just kind of snippy and secretly jealous of Henri, his protégé.
Show him deviously setting up Conan and Stuart as suspects behind Bradley’s murder.
And maybe even Tiffany.
– He’s overly dramatic. Play up on that more, for humor. (like the beginning “label drama.”)
– Show other sides of him as well (see below):
a. He’s so insecure, he has a pet parrot that he trained to spout out affirmations. To his aggravation, Henri trained to quote from movies.
b. Maybe he can be charming or clever if he wants to be? Just kind of a dick to Henri?
– Research NARCISSISTIC Personality traits
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

B. Protagonist Too Good or Antagonist Too Bad.

GIVE THOSE CHARACTERS SOME BALANCING PARTS.
Consider adding irony (good people doing bad things; bad people doing good things) to your lead characters to make them more interesting.

– HENRI: A bit of a tool (in beginning), but family is important. Good to his Papi.
– MARC: Is arrogant, talented and sometimes rude: but baby-talks with his parrot.

C. Weak character intros. Current intros are pretty good, once tweaks in place.

D. Characters not in action.
Check for any Talking Head scenes and add meaningful action.

E. Protagonist journey not strong. Current journey is strong, once tweaks in place.

F. All the characters seem the same.
Create character profiles for:
JARED, TIFFANY, DET. STONE, CAMERON, CONAN (OR TREVOR), MACKAY.
Each should have their own distinct personality.

JARED: Gay, Actor-wannabe (dramatic), Outgoing, Loyal, British Accent?
TIFFANY: Vain, Intelligent, Dog-lover, Expects others to wait on her
DET. STONE: Dry, Sarcastic, All-business, Smart
CAMERON: Old-fashioned, Protective, Loyal, Conservative
CONAN: Chip on shoulder, Bitter, Intense, Ambitious
MACKAY: Hitman, Professional, Threatening, Master of Disguise

G. Lead characters not present. Not a problem!

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Solving Structure

What I learned: my prologue and opening could be stronger in showing Old Ways. I realize that I need to tweak further, but have not done so yet.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ACT 1 <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>- – – – – – – –

OPENING/OLD WAYS: Do the “Old Ways” show up in their behavior and dialogue?

Prologue: OLD WAYS: 10-yr old Henri wants to fit in with the school’s popular crowd, he’s brand & fashion conscious, vain, and obsessed with movies & celebrity culture.
Opening: OLD WAYS: Materialistic, not crazy about dogs, needs others to validate his success, takes crap from Marc, surrounds himself with celebrities and perfection, values conventional outer beauty.
Tweaks: Show him being more of a perfectionist? More of a suck-up? Flirty? Less sincere? A gossip?

INCITING INCIDENT: How does this incident invite and propel us into the journey?
When Henri goes out on an errand to movie-star Bradley James’ house, he witnesses Bradley’s murder by a hitman who was seemingly lying in wait for Bradley. The audience will now go on a journey with Henri to:
– Live a lie in witness protection, in order to stay safe
– Find out who hired the hitman, and help solve the case so that he can get his old life back

TURNING POINT: How is this Turning Point a twist that locks us into the journey with “no going back?”
Henri cannot go back. He must live a lie to stay alive.

ACT 2 – – – – – – – – –

NEW PLAN: What new plan did the protagonist create to deal with the Act 1 Turning Point?
Henri tries to blend in at work in the dog salon, with initially unsuccessful efforts. Tries B.S. and just going through the motions.

PLAN IN ACTION: How does the protagonist take action on that plan?
He tries to relate to dogs and their owners in ways that worked just fine in Beverly Hills. He also makes a fool of himself with Acadia, who doesn’t quite know what to make of him. She is slow to trust him because of a past relationship with a “pretty boy” like Henri.

MIDPOINT TURNING POINT: How does the Midpoint change everything while keeping us on the same journey?
Henri suspects that he was the intended target of the murder, and that Marc was behind the hit. He can never go back to his old salon. His career is on the rocks. And he can’t go back to his old life until Marc’s guilt is proven.

ACT 3 – – – – – – – –

REACT/RETHINK: How does the Protagonist react or rethink things?
Henri realizes it will be hard to prove Marc’s guilt, but sets out to do so. He asks his best friend Jared to be his eyes and ears back in CA, and appreciates him now more than ever.

NEW PLAN: What new plan did the protagonist create to deal with this new level of conflict?
While he works daily on outing Marc’s crime (working on a plan with Jared), he makes the best of his life in Vermont. He puts his heart into his work at the dog salon, and has some creative breakthroughs that help the salon’s business. He and Acadia also grow closer (to Cam’s dismay), and they work together on plans for a Doggie Adoption Fair in the park.

As Cam updates the website to promote the salon’s new services, he accidentally posts a video that has Henri’s voice in the background.

TURNING POINT: The lowest of the low.
Henri’s cover is blown (so new action is required) when supermodel/widow Tiffany amuses herself with some doggie videos that have gone viral when she’s in the Marc Riche salon back in CA. She and Marc both realize at the same time that the voice is Henri. The videos are linked to the Sitting Pretty Salon website, which also promotes the dog fair.

ACT 4: – – – – – – – – –

DILEMMA: What emotional dilemma requires the protagonist to choose between two alternatives, losing something with either choice?
Detective Stone tells Henri to stay put at home, and not go to the fair. Even though Henri knows that it will put him in danger, he cannot sit still while people he cares about are likely in jeopardy at the Doggie Fair.

Climax/Ultimate Expression Of The Conflict: How is this the ultimate expression of the conflict? How does it require a “fight to the death,” either literally or symbolically?
– Henri must now tell Acadia the truth, which flies in the face of his main conflict: “living a lie to stay alive.”
– Henri confronts the hitman, MacKay — who intended to kill him in Act 1.
– Henri must also confront Marc, the one who tried to ruin his life, and is trying to finish it.

Resolution: How does this resolution represent the “New Ways” and bring this story to a fitting conclusion?
Henri’s “fake world” has now become real. New Ways are in place in his New World.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>
New Ways: What are the New Ways and do they clearly show up in your lead character’s Act 4 behavior and dialogue?

Yes. Henri is brave, down-to-earth, accepts imperfections, realizes the value of his true friends and family, learns to appreciate dogs for their intelligence, uniqueness and loyalty, and takes no more crap from Marc.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Filled in Missing Scenes

What I learned: I found at least 8 missing scenes over the 4 acts. And noticed a number of areas that characters and plot could be developed further. I only posted one of those scenes below.

INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON – VERMONT – DAY

Acadia smiles at her brother, CAMERON PARKS, mid 30s (add physical description and show. him involved in some activity). Hands him the lunch bag and cup of coffee.

CAMERON
Thanks. Join me for lunch?

ACADIA
Can’t. Got plans with Hank.

CAMERON
Ah. Maybe you’ll have time to grab a beer with your bro after work?

ACADIA
(shakes her head “no”)
Goin’ on a moonlight hike with Franco and Eddie.

CAMERON
(raises his eyebrows)
How romantic. You’re dance card is really full these days, Cadie.
(takes a sip of coffee)
You think you might be ready to go out on actual dates anytime soon? With human males?(opens up his lunch bag)
I wonder if you spend too much time with dogs. It’s been awhile since you and–

ACADIA
— Nope. I’m surrounded twenty-four seven with all the love I need. Besides, dogs are infinitely more trustworthy.
(beat)
And can you ever have too much time with dogs?

Cameron shrugs as he bites into his sandwich.

ACADIA
Gotta run. Can’t keep Hank waiting. Enjoy your lunch.

She walks out the door, hiding her emotions. She looks a little more serious than when she came in.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Act 4 Resolution

What I learned: It’s very freeing to continue the 20% rule all the way down to the Resolution. Huzzah! I made it.

INT. DOG SHELTER, VT – DAY

BEGINNING: Acadia is sorting mail at the front desk. Looks up when someone comes in. She sees that it’s Henri. Gives him a cold shoulder. Continues sorting mail.

ACADIA
(tries not to show interest)
Here for a visit?

HENRI
Here for good.

She raises an eyebrow, softens her look.

HENRI
(softly)
I totally understand why you’re still upset with me.
(inhales)
I’m actually here on business. I want to adopt GoodFella… if he’s still available.

Acadia tries not to show any emotion. She grabs an adoption form and a pen.

ACADIA
(starts to fill out form)
Employed?

HENRI
(nods positively)
I think Cameron will give me my job back.

ACADIA
Will you give GoodFella a good family life?

HENRI
Yes. Family comes first.
(beat)
And if you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me… I’m hoping you and Hank can be a part of that family.

MIDDLE: Acadia walks into the barn and comes back with GoodFella. He sees Henri and wags his tail with joy. He runs over, jumps up on him, and showers him with kisses.

ACADIA
(smiles)
Hmmmm. GoodFella Berger (Bur-zhur). Got a nice ring to it.

HENRI
You and Hank up for a walk in the park?

Acadia nods and smiles. Henri can’t hold back any longer. He embraces her. They pull back. Their eyes meet and they kiss.

HENRI
Thank you for giving this stray another chance.
(beat)
I’ve got a surprise for you.

END: They walk to Henri’s Subaru. A distinguished-looking elderly gentleman opens the door and steps out.

HENRI
This is my Papi. Francois Berger.

Acadia is thrilled to meet him. Smiles and shakes his hand. Papi says something in a French accent. Maybe takes her hand and kisses it?

They all file into Henri’s car. With Henri at the wheel, they drive down the long winding road away from the shelter. GoodFella’s and Hank’s heads emerge joyously from the open windows.

FINAL IMAGE: Vermont vanity plate “STYLIN.”

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Act 4 Climax

What I learned: There are many parts to my story’s Climax. I learned that when I get overwhelmed, to just take it one step at a time, using the Beginning/Middle/End outline process.

INT./EXT. GREENFIELD PARK – EVENT TENT – DAY

BEGINNING: A crowd of folks mill in and out of the event tent. A large “SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH DOGS” banner is hung outside the tent. Upbeat music plays over the loud speakers.

Families walk on the lawn with their dogs. A black and white shaggy dog mascot sashays around the grounds. His tail wags.

Cam sets out shampoo and supplies at the Sitting Pretty Salon’s booth. (Add info about Dog Adoption Booth and other Doggie Vendors.)

MIDDLE: Henri arrives in his full-body Golden Retriever suit and heads towards Acadia. He puts his furry arm and paw around her waist.

HENRI
(nervously)
Can we talk? I need to tell you something very important.

ACADIA
(looks up and smiles when she realizes it’s him)
That outfit really suits you, Henry. Everything okay?

She scratches under his doggy chin. He’s nervous and wants to make Acadia laugh. He taps his foot several times, mimics a dog’s reaction. She giggles.

They get sidetracked. Henri sees Stone, his partner… and Jared! Greetings. Gets them up-to-speed. Inaudible convo in a huddle.

While she stands next to Cameron, Acadia notices the other mascot: a large shaggy dog.

ACADIA
(to Henri, but he doesn’t hear)
Couldn’t stop at just one mascot, could ya?

She walks briskly towards the other dog mascot.

END: After his chat with Jared and Stone, Henri looks for Acadia. Cam tells him that she went over to the other mascot.

HENRI
(scratches his head)
Other mascot?
(brings gloved hangs up to face)
Omigod. No!

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Act 4 – First Scenes

What I learned: Really excited to be in Act 4! Had not thought much about these scenes yet, looking forward to molding these further.

(Key Scene 1: REACTION TO 3RD ACT TURNING POINT)

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – DAY
Henri hangs up his phone. He’s really jumpy. Checks outside all of his windows. Calls Cameron at the shop. INTERCUT:

HENRI
Thank God I caught you.
(in a hushed tone, stressed out)
Trouble’s on the way. Marc and MacKay know where I am.

CAMERON (V.O.)
(shocked)
Omigod. How?

HENRI
Somehow Marc heard my voice on our website.
(almost out of breath)
And they know about the fair.
Everyone could be in danger.
(inhales, then speaks)
Stone told me to stay put. Too risky for me there.

CAMERON
He’s right. You’d be a sitting duck. At least they don’t know where you live.
(grabs a gun from drawer)
I’m taking extra precautions. Acadia will be safe with me.

HENRI (V.O.)
Thank you for everything.

They hang up. Henri can’t stand still.

HENRI
Screw it!

Henri quickly gets dressed. Grabs his car keys, picks up the medium-size cardboard box sitting on his chair, and heads out the door.

(Key Scene 2: PROTAGONIST FACES THEIR DILEMMA)

EXT. GREENFIELD PARK – DAY
Henri parks his Subaru on the street near the park. He opens up the box on his passenger seat. Pulls out the collective parts of a dog costume: adorable Golden Retriever head, plush body suit with tail, vest, furry feet and gloves with leather paws.

He gets dressed in the back seat. Puts on the dog head last. Checks his the mirror to be sure his head is on straight.

He exits the car. Tries to walks nonchalantly towards the event tent. His tail swings as he walks. He looks around, keeps his new head on a swivel.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Act 3 Turning Point

What I learned: This scene has the biggest arc of all my scenes in the story. My protagonist goes from being really happy in his New World / New Ways — to facing a major dilemma and most likely needing to leave this world.

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – DAY

BEGINNING: Henri & Acadia wake up happy from their intimate night of passion. Dog(s) are in bed with them. They share coffee. It’s the Sunday morning of the Dog Fair.

MIDDLE: Acadia is in the restroom fussing with her pony tail. Henri offers to help, creates a beautiful French braid. She leaves with dog Hank. Kisses him goodbye and plans to see him later at Dog Fair.

END: Henri sees that he missed a call from Detective Stone the previous evening. Calls him back and gets devastating news: his cover is blown. Marc and MacKay have figured out his hiding spot in VT, and Bad Guys are no doubt on their way. Det. Stone tells Henri: Stay where you are. DO NOT go to the Dog Fair.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Completed Act 3

What I learned: the crime-solving aspect of my story is something that I’m struggling with the most. Not sure how to tie together some of the loose threads, and piecing together the clues. Putting in placeholders for things that still need to be figured out.

INTERCUT SCENES: INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT/JARED’S APARTMENT

Henri and Jared develop a plan to find evidence against Marc. They need to find a connection between him and MacKay. Also trying to figure out why Bradley went back to house. Henri describes to Jared what MacKay looks like.

CRIME-SOLVING MONTAGE

– Jared watches people going in and out of the Beverly Hills salon from his car.

– Jared plants a listening device in Chico’s cage in the salon.

– They look at outtakes/paparazzi photos from the funeral. Jared has connections with a freelance magazine photographer. MacKay was at the funeral.

– Jared visits Tiffany at their house. Makes up an excuse to stop by. (Maybe he has something of Bradley’s that he’s returning?) Looks for clues. Finds the box of headshots.

– They set up a misdirect re: Henri’s hidden location. Purposely leave out clues to send Bad Guys in wrong direction.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Act 3 Middle Scenes

What I learned: the closer I get to the end of story, the more I wonder about loose ends that I’ve left dangling, or plot points that don’t make sense. My new ways: keep going and trust that my creative mind can fine-tune later.

Make a New Plan:

INT. SITTING PRETTY DOG SALON – DAY

Beginning: The dog salon is booming. Especially with Pet/Owner “Style-Pairings” that Henri pioneered. A number of customers try to include Henri and Cam in their selfies. Henri politely declines. Cam helps Henri stay hidden.

MONTAGE:
– Pet owners that look like their dogs, Owner/Pet matching hairstyles
– Amazing transformations, from beast to teddy bear
– Funny dog hairstyles that look like human styles

Middle: More salon customers snapping pics and videos with their dogs. Henri stays out of photo frames, but doesn’t realize he’s talking in the background during one of the videos.

End: Cameron updates the website. Posts a video, unaware Henri’s voice is recognizable in the background of one of them.

Things Go Well Until…

INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY

Beginning: Tiffany is in the salon’s lobby, waiting her turn for her style appointment. Marc is finishing up another client. Tiffany sits on couch with her small dog. Her phone buzzes, someone has sent her a link.

Middle: She clicks on the link/video (it’s from the Sitting Pretty website). Laughs at some of the photos. Then plays a video.

End: Tiffany plays it again. Marc stops what he’s doing. They both realize they heard a familiar voice on the video. The voice of Henri.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Act 3: Reaction to the Midpoint

What I learned: this is one section of my story that I had not thought about nearly as much as some of the other scenes. So I’m winging it (a new process for me), committing to move ahead with placeholders where I don’t know the answers.

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Henri grabs his burner phone and dials Detective Stone.

DETECTIVE STONE (V.O.)
Everything ok?

HENRI
(amped up)
Bradley James wasn’t supposed to die!

DETECTIVE STONE
I know. By all accounts, he seemed like a good guy.

HENRI
No. MacKay was trying to kill me.
(angrily)
And Marc hired him!

DETECTIVE STONE
How do you know all this?

HENRI
The Modeling Glue label. The misspelling was intentional!
All a ruse to set me up, and send me on an errand to Bradley’s house.
(beat)
How soon can you arrest him?

DETECTIVE STONE
(incredulous)
Arrest him? On what grounds? Conspiracy to commit a typo?
(matter-of-factly)
We need solid proof that Marc hired MacKay. Something to connect the two.

Stone wants Henri to stay in his lane and let them do their job. Det. Stone promises to keep a closer watch on Marc.

MIDDLE: Henri is really depressed. Tries to get some sleep. He has nightmares about Marc? Or: he flashes back to things Marc said to him in the past, that now take on a new meaning.

END: Wakes up in the morning, decides that he can’t just stand by and do nothing. Needs to take matters into his own hands.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam Finishes Act 2

What I learned: the importance of keeping my story moving along, rather than getting bogged down. Just make notes as I go re: aspects that need to be developed further.

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Henri logs onto the International Hair Show website. Goes to the page that promotes the guest speakers. Sees himself promoted as the headliner. Sadly stares at the page. Shuts the laptop. He walks towards the restroom.

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – BATHROOM – NIGHT
He stares in the mirror. His thought drift off to:

INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY (FLASHBACK)
A writer from “Vanity” magazine is seated in a styling chair. She asks Henri about his rise to fame as he begins to style her hair.

MONTAGE – EARLY DAYS AT MARC RICHE SALON
Henri is an intern, doing shampoos and answering phones. Show his professional progression.

INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Henri finishes the hairstyle of the writer. He slowly spins her around, and they look in the mirror together. Removes her cape.

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)
Henri frowns at his reflection in mirror. He doesn’t know who’s looking back anymore.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Act 2 Turning Point

INTERCUT SCENES: INT. SENIOR HOME / INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

INT. SENIOR HOME – NIGHT
Jared visits Papi at the senior home. It’s Movie Night at the Center. They file into a theater, along with a couple dozen other seniors.

They sit toward the back. The room is filled with silver hair that’s been styled upward. So much so, that Jared and Papi change seats to get a better view.

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT, VT – NIGHT
Henri really misses Papi. Rents the original WILL OF THE WEST movie. Starts the movie on his TV. Title and credit sequence begin.

Black & white movie scenes from WILL OF THE WEST are synced between the intercut.

INT. SENIOR HOME – NIGHT
Continuation of credit sequence, on the large screen.

Papi cheers when he sees the name of his favorite actor. Nudges Jared. “Now there was an actor…”

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Continuation of movie on his TV.

INT. SENIOR HOME – NIGHT
Continuation of movie on the large screen. The scene with the quote.

PAPI
(whispers to Jared, along with the cowboy)
The size of the gun don’t matter…

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Henri finishes the quote.

HENRI
… unless the aim is true.

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
New scene from WILL OF THE WEST.

Will, the lead cowboy, clothes get wet in a rainstorm while driving cattle. He leaves them to dry by a campfire.

INT. SENIOR HOME – NIGHT
In the wee hours while Will is sleeping, someone (Joe) takes his clothes (not sure why). He gets shot at by a villain who’s been after Will, thinks it’s him. Shoots Joe dead in broad daylight. Gets on horse and gallops away.

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Continuation of WILL OF THE WEST shooting scene.

The victim is believed to be Will. His fiancé, Marion, approaches the body slowly, hysterical. Screams. “Will! Oh God, no!” The sheriff is in front of her and gets to him first.

He sees it’s not Will. “It’s not Will! Gus shot Joe!” Consoles Marion. Shakes his head quietly. “It was a case of mistaken identity.”

Henri hits PAUSE button. Walks in to the restroom.

HENRI
Really, Gus?
(shakes his head)
Joe looks nothing like Will.

INT. HENRI’S APARTMENT – BATHROOM – NIGHT
Henri looks into the mirror.

HENRI
(fusses with his hair)
I guess my hair does kinda look like Bradley’s.

Henri sees the tube of “Modeling Glue” on the counter and studies the erroneous Marc “RICE” label. Rubs his finger over it. Something seems off. Picks at it with his fingernail.

He peels the top label off, revealing a second label underneath it — with “RICHE” spelled correctly.

FLASHBACK to the murder scene. Henri in the driveway looking in. View from inside, Killer’s POV.

Bradley enters the door, backlit lighting. Dark face, but hair like Henri’s. They are similar build.

Hitman fires gun. (BACK TO SCENE)

HENRI
(eyes wide like saucers)
Holy shit! This was all for me.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Act 2 – Reaction to TP1

What I learned: I’m getting used to using the “Beginning, Middle, End” method before writing my scenes. This process is really helping me.

EXT. SITTING PRETTY SALON, VERMONT – DAY (ESTABLISHING)
Aerial view of a quaint, mountainous Vermont town. Green trees and grass, flowers in bloom. People mill about on the sidewalks. They wear comfortable, practical clothing: jeans, hiking boots, sweaters and hoodies. Henri stands at the entrance and reads the plaque: “SITTING PRETTY SALON.”

INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON – DAY
Henri takes a deep breath and enters. The bells on the inside of the door jingle. He’s dressed to the nines in designer clothes and expensive shoes. His hair is moussed upward in his usual style.

He approaches 40ish CAMERON PARKS (Add description. Muscular guy with a crew cut, since he’s ex-military?), who stands behind the counter. Henri extends his hand.

HENRI
Henri Ber–

CAMERON
(makes eye contact with Henri and shakes hand)
Nice to meet you Mr. Shepherd.

HENRI
Oh. Right. But call me Henry.

CAMERON
Welcome aboard.

Henri joins Cameron on the same side of counter. Henri looks around the shop.

HENRI
Where are the styling stations? Your chairs…?

Before Cameron can answer, the door jingles. BETHANY, a blonde-haired woman with dark roots enters. She carries a small, brown and white wiry-haired Jack Russell Terrier. Henri studies her hair.

HENRI
(with a charming smile)
Hi, there. What’re we thinking about today? Simple root touch-up?
(looks closer, flirty)
Uh-oh. We might need to work on those split ends while we’re at it?

Confused, the woman raises her eyebrows at Henri. Then looks at Cameron.

CAMERON
(smiles reassuringly)
Ignore the new guy, Bethany. We’ve got you and Charlie down for “the usual.”

The door jingles again, as a man with a Black Labrador dog enters. He stands behind Bethany. Another man enters with a cute French Bulldog. He waits his turn in line.

HENRI
(under his breath to Cameron)
What is this… “Bring your Dog to the Hair Salon” Day? How Vermonty.

CAMERON
(sarcastically, under his breath)
Yes, we strongly encourage that here.
(suddenly realizes)
Didn’t Detective Stone tell you this is a dog grooming salon?

Henri is really thrown. Turns around so that customers can’t see his face. Panics. Exclaims silently.

HENRI
(mouthing the words)
Dios Mio! This is a nightmare.

Henri slowly returns his breathing to normal. Steadies himself.

HENRI
(softly under his breath)
You can do this… Shepherd.

Turns back around. His expression now calm. Directs his attention back to Bethany and her dog.

HENRI
(tries to appear knowledgeable)
Kurt Russell Terrier, right?

Bethany stares at him. Pauses. Then laughs, assumes the joke was intentional. Cameron joins in with a fake chuckle. Pulls Henri aside.

CAMERON
Please try not to speak. Just follow my lead, okay?

INSERT GROOMING MONTAGE HERE
Cameron takes Henri through the grooming gauntlet, from de-skunking baths to anal gland purges. They work as a team.

The customers have all gone. Henri has made it through the day — but is frazzled, wet, and presumably smelly.

Cam tells Henri things will get better. Then asks him if he wouldn’t mind dropping off a case of doggie shampoo to his sister, Acadia, who runs the dog shelter. She’s on Henri’s way home. Henri nods his head yes and takes the box under his arm. He heads out the door alone.

HENRI
(sadly shaking his head)
Some things never change!

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Finished Act 1

Rather than pasting in all of my scenes, I pasted in the missing scenes from my Prologue.

INT. BERGER HOME, KITCHEN – DAY (PROLOGUE)
Young HENRI BERGER, 10, and a distinguished mid-50s FRANCOIS BERGER work together at the kitchen table to finish assembly of Henri’s lunch. Francois cuts a sandwich in half, slides it into a baggie, and places it inside an open lunchbox. Henri adds a juice box and Tupperware. Lunchbox gets snapped shut, revealing its “WILL OF THE WEST” cowboy movie cover design.

FRANCOIS
(in a French accent)
Let me get ze final look at you.

Young Henri self-consciously spins around. He’s wearing creased slacks, a pressed shirt and suspenders. Francois complements the outfit with a dark-colored bow tie. Combs Henri’s medium-length brown hair while he squirms and frowns.

HENRI
(pleading)
I dunno, Papi. Isn’t this too much for the first day of school? All the other boys will be wearing new Dockers and Izod shirts.

FRANCOIS
(proudly)

We don’t need ze cro-co-deel. Remember, Henri — good taste never goes out of style.

Henri is still not sure, but nods his head in agreement. Hugs his grandfather goodbye. Grabs his lunchbox and backpack on the way out of the door.

INT. SCHOOL BUS – DAY
Young Henri sits quietly on a loud school bus full of grade school kids. He looks around at the other kids and removes his bow tie. Two obnoxious boys, BRAT #1 and BRAT #2, sit two seats behind him. Brat #1 chews and loudly snaps his bubble gum. Every minute or so, he blows a large bubble. Brat #2 has a straw that he loads with spitballs. He strategically chooses his unsuspecting targets.

Brat #1 accidentally sneezes. (add in the sound) His gum is propelled like a missile and lands in the back of Henri’s hair. He looks at Brat #2, mouth open in surprise.

BRAT #1
(mouthing the words)
Holy crap!

Henri notices something, not sure what. Looks questioningly at the boys behind him, now as polite as choir boys. They nod and smile back at Henri.

BRAT #1
(laughs, shakes head in disbelief)
“Couldn’t do that again if I tried.”

As kids file out of the bus, Brat #1 and Brat #2 snicker behind Henri.

EXT. GRADE SCHOOL – CONTINUOUS
The school bell RINGS. Henri heads inside the school along with a crowd of kids, unaware of the big honkin’ wad of bubble gum stuck in the back of his hair.

INT. GRADE SCHOOL HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
Young Henri walks down the hall to homeroom, noticing some snickering, but unclear why. A well-dressed boy with glasses, YOUNG JARED, catches up to Young Henri and alerts him to the “gum-in-hair” issue. Young Henri thanks and introduces himself to Young Jared. Then heads into the boys’ restroom.

INT. GRADE SCHOOL BOY’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Young Henri stands in front of the mirror, alone in the restroom. He spills out the contents of his backpack: crayons, ruler, scissors and Elmer’s Glue. He feels for the gum wad and cuts it out. After some trial and error, he re-styles his hair. Holds his new ‘do in place with Elmer’s glue. He looks pretty damn good! Quite handsome, in fact, with the shorter, classic style. Puts the bow tie back on.

HENRI
(in a British accent)
The name’s Bond. James Bond.

He re-checks his cut in the front and on both sides. Nods his head affirmatively in an up-and-down motion.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Act 1 Turning Point scenes

INT. AIRPORT – NIGHT
Detective Stone walks through the airport with Henri. He is jumpy and looks around him frequently. Would he carry his hairstyling travel kit, along with his luggage? Show the Verizon ad with Conan King as the spokesperson? Henri sees and does a double-take?

DETECTIVE STONE
(hands him an I.D. card)
Henry Shepherd, you’re on your way to Vermont. You’ll be safe there.
(sternly)
Trust only Cameron Parks, your new boss. Remember:
both MacKay — and whoever hired him — are still at large.

HENRI
(in a hushed voice)
But what about _________? And how long do I have to stay in Vermont?

DETECTIVE STONE
(gravely)
Until MacKay and his boss are incarcerted.

Hands him a burner phone.

DETECTIVE STONE
Use this to reach out to me. And no one else.
Any contact with your friends and family puts them in jeopardy.
(makes eye contact)
They’ll be looking for you.

Henri Berger boards the plane, now as Henry Shepherd.

INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT
Henri tries to be calm as he sits on the plane. Relaxes his breathing and takes a sip of water. Looks at his new driver’s license.

HENRI
(under his breath)
Henry Shepherd? Seriously?
Is that the best they could come up with?

Buckles his seatbelt as the plane takes off. Reaches for the magazine in the seat pocket. From the cover, Bradley James’ handsome face smiles back at Henri.

INSERT: “Beautiful People” Magazine cover.
Headline: BRADLEY JAMES, SEXIEST HUMAN ALIVE!”

Henri buries his face in his hands, stressed out again.

HENRI
(sadly, hushed voice)
Poor Bradley. Who’d want to kill you?

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Inciting Incident scenes

What I learned: Outlining from a Beginning, Middle and End perspective — that is added to my text from the Beat Sheet to make a scene — is really helping me move my story along. Speed over Quality, I like it! :0)

EXT. BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE, MALIBU – DAY

Henri parks his convertible on the street, behind a black SUV. Puts his phone in the glove box. He sees Bradley enter through his front door.

Henri walks up the driveway carrying some “Modeling Glue” product from the salon. He’s suddenly horrified at the view through the living room window. A man points a gun at Bradley. Gunshots ring out. Bradley falls to the ground in a pool of blood. A gunshot to his head. Henri gets a good look at the KILLER’S face. Gasps, drops his bag, and hides behind a big Yucca plant near the entrance.

The Killer exits the house and walks to his black SUV, now wearing a cowboy hat to obscure his face. Sees Henri’s car and stops. Looks inside the car, and takes a salon bag from the front seat? Then looks back at the house.

Notices the bright-shirted Henri. Takes aim with his handgun. Henri takes off his polarized sunglasses and tilts them back and forth, temporarily blinding the gunman. A bullet hits the planter. Henri drops his sunglasses. Henri and the gunman’s eyes meet and a foot chase ensues.

EXT. MALIBU NEIGHBORHOOD – CONTINUOUS

Henri flees, terrified as the Killer chases him through the neighborhood. Henri is able to get temporarily out of sight. He climbs a fence when he sees a backyard pool. Strips off his clothes down to his boxers and jumps in. As the killer looks for him, Henri hides in the pool. In the background, Henri is unaware when a housekeeper quietly grabs his clothes and takes them inside.

Henri sees that the Killer has given up for now. He gets in his SUV and drives off. Now that it’s safe to get out of the pool, Henri discovers his clothes are missing. Tries the back door of house — it’s locked. Frustrated, he hops back over the fence. Darts back to his car, dripping wet.

EXT. HENRI’S CONVERTIBLE – CONTINUOUS

Henri goes back to his car. Retrieves his phone and calls police. They tell him to stay put. (add dialogue here later) Henri’s car is empty except for the hair styling travel kit. Opens it up and finds the black nylon cape. Ties that around his waist for modesty and walks up the driveway.

EXT. BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Henri tries to get inside, but all doors are locked. He peers in the window. Bradley is not moving. Lies on his side, still clutches his script.

Henri moves to Bradley’s backyard and finds some bushes. Nervously stays hidden and trembles. Breathes a sigh of relief when he sees red and blue flashing lights.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Act 1: Opening Scenes
What I learned: very important to stick to the 7 Rules of Speed Writing. I don’t want to revert back to my (slow) old ways.

INT. MARC RICHE HAIR SALON, BEVERLY HILLS – LOBBY – DAY
30ish HENRI BERGER enters the tastefully-appointed salon. He passes a brown-uniformed delivery man on his way out.

The gold and black Marc Riche Salon “brand” is everywhere: the logo is etched on the glass front door, shelves are topped with Marc Riche signature hair products, a large sign above the front counter reads “MARC RICHE – Stylist to the Stars,” and of course, there’s MARC RICHE himself.

Marc opens a few packages at the front counter. His large green parrot, CHICO, is perched in his cage. Movie star BRADLEY JAMES relaxes on a leather couch. He sips a glass of wine and studies a script. (more on this later) Henri smiles and salutes Bradley.

HENRI
“Beautiful People” magazine cover?
Congrats, brother!

BRADLEY
(mock indignation)
About time they noticed, right?

CHICO
(in parrot-speak)
Who da man? You da man.

Supermodel TIFFANY sits close to Bradley, also sipping wine. She reads a fashion magazine that features her face on the cover.

Marc reaches into an open box and studies a gold and black labeled tube of “Modeling Glue.” He gasps and shrieks loudly. A startled Chico squawks. Tiffany spits out a fresh sip of wine onto her magazine. Bradley jumps out of his seat. Henri inhales and braces himself.

MARC
(wailing)
Dios Mio! “Marc <u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Rice Modeling Glue?”

The whole world knows it’s Riche (Reesh).
This is a nightmare.

HENRI
(trying to match Marc’s level of concern)
Well, I certainly won’t rest.
Someone’s getting a strongly worded letter…

Marc responds by throwing the whole case of “Modeling Glue” into the adjacent trash can. Thud! Case closed. Marc motions for everyone to move from the couch to the styling station and chairs.

INT. MARC RICHE SALON – STYLING STATIONS
Bradley sits at Henri’s station, Tiffany at Marc’s. Bradley glances at the “Vanity” magazine article framed on the wall. The headline reads: HENRI BERGER, HOLLYWOOD HAIRGICIAN.

BRADLEY
(to Henri)
Work your magic on me, brah.
Got the photo shoot today.

Henri prepares Bradley. Ties a black cape around his neck.

MARC
(scoffs)
I like to think of myself as more
of a “hair-chitect.”

Marc readies Tiffany for her style.

TIFFANY
(to Marc)
Let’s do something sassy.

A hair style-off ensues, as the two work side by side. With each move that Henri makes, Marc “counter-attacks” to top him. Marc styles Tiffany’s hair in an over-the-top “Marge Simpson meets Audrey Hepburn” beehive. Spins her around to face the mirror and unveil his work.

HENRI
(looks at Marc, gasps)
Whoa! You are the Hairchitect, sir.
(admiring Tiffany)
And that’s your Guggenheim.

Styles are complete. The group makes plans to see each other later today at Marc’s charity fundraiser. Bradley and Tiffany leave together.

MARC
(to Henri)
Everyone who’s anybody will be there.
Don’t be late, Burger.

Marc walks out the door as Henri begins to clean up.

HENRI
(to no one)
It’s Bur-zhay.

Finishes up. Pauses at the trash can. Retrieves the abandoned hair product. Walks out door with the case under his arm.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Beat Sheet – Draft2

ACT 1: SET UP & SEE OLD WAYS
INT. BERGER HOME – DAY (Prologue)
Ten-year-old Henri Berger gets ready for school in his middle-class home, with the help of his Papi. Henri is self-conscious about the presentable but non-trendy clothes he’s wearing on his first day of school. Papi tells him “Good taste never goes out of style.”

INT. SCHOOL BUS / INT. GRADE SCHOOL – DAY
On the bus, two bratty kids sit behind Young Henri. One snaps gum loudly and blows bubbles. Accidentally sneezes, and his gum flies into the back of Henri’s hair. He doesn’t say anything.

INT. GRADE SCHOOL BOY’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Young Henri walks down the hall to homeroom, noticing some snickering, but unclear why. Young Jared catches up to him and alerts Young Henri to the “gum-in-hair” issue. Young Henri goes inside the restroom to deal with it. Using supplies from his backpack, he cuts out the gum. After some trial and error, he cuts and re-styles his hair. Holds his new ‘do in place with Elmer’s glue. He looks pretty damn good! Smiles in the mirror.

EXT. RODEO DRIVE, BEVERLY HILLS – DAY (Current day – 20 years later)
30ish Henri Berger drives down Rodeo Drive in his new Mercedes convertible. California vanity plate: STYLIN. Parks. Checks himself out in the mirror before getting out of car. Heads towards entrance of the Marc Riche Salon. Avoids a man walking his golden retriever. Then enters salon.

INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Opening: Henri steps into the luxuriously-appointed celebrity hair salon. Clients (Bradley & Tiffany) sipping wine. Marc Riche logo and signage everywhere you look, he even has his own line of signature hair products. Supermodel Tiffany, movie star Bradley James’ wife is reading a magazine with her own photo on the cover. Henri congratulates Bradley re: upcoming Beautiful People magazine cover. Chico the parrot spouts out a few affirmations and a movie quote? to Marc’s annoyance.

Henri perfectly styles Bradley James’ hair, as Marc tries to one-up him with his over-the-top beehive style for Tiffany. Marc opens up a new box of one of his signature styling products (“Modeling Glue” — Bradley’s favorite) Shrieks when he realizes his name is misspelled on the label, and then trashes the whole case.

They all make plans to see each other at Marc’s art gallery celebrity fundraiser later in the day. Marc states (re: importance of fundraiser) “Everyone who’s Anybody will be there.” Henri sweeps and cleans up after the others leave. He shrugs and grabs the abandoned product out of trash.

INT. PAPI’S SENIOR HOME, CA – DAY
Henri stops by to visit his grandfather (Papi) after work. Brings his hair styling travel kit and styles Papi’s hair. Henri feels guilty about leaving him to go the fundraiser, and gives Papi some of the salon’s hair product as a peace offering. But Papi wants something else: wants Henri to promise he’ll join him for Movie Night at the center, for some more “family time.” Henri says nothing can keep him away.

EXT. BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE, MALIBU – NIGHT
Crime scene. Detective Kurt Stone, CSIs. Dead man’s body in entrance. Henri semi-naked in bushes.

INT. MALIBU ART GALLERY – DAY (SUPER: 6 HOURS EARLIER)
The gallery is hosting a Marc Riche salon sponsored event, a fundraiser for Malibu schools: Celebrities for Art in Education. TE1: Henri learns that Marc’s sponsorship of the event is more about “seeing and being seen” than supporting the charity. Henri begins to wonder if that’s where his life is headed.

“Living Art” presentations throughout. We meet Conan King, Tiffany’s ex. He’s covered in white body paint as “The David.” Tries not to look at Tiffany. Henri’s best friend Jared (and aspiring actor) is there too. Henri helps him practice for “The Scream.”

Tiffany asks a dismayed Henri to hold her purse-size dog while she makes a wardrobe change from her Living Art display. Marc tells Henri that a new supply of Modeling Glue is available. Could he be a dear and run some out to Bradley’s house?

INT. / EXT BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE, CA – DAY
Inciting Incident: While he’s walking up the driveway, Henri sees Bradley go inside his house and immediately get shot by a gunman. Henri hides outside, but the killer notices him when he leaves the house and goes to his car. Foot chase ensues.

PLACEHOLDER – CHASE SCENES THRU NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Henri is wearing a bright shirt and easy to track. Henri is able to get temporarily out of sight and finds a house with a backyard pool. He strips down to his boxers and jumps in the pool, hiding out of view. Waits for bad guy to give up. Henri sees him drive off. Meanwhile, a housekeeper has grabbed his clothes. She locked the back door and leaves.

EXT BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE, CA – DAY
Henri eventually goes back to his car and calls police? They tell him to stay put. Henri doesn’t have any clothes in the car, but grabs the cape from his hair styling travel kit. Ties that around his waist and goes back up to the front of Bradley’s house, peering in window. Then hides in bushes until police arrive.

INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Henri sits down with a sketch artist. The killer is identified a known hitman and Henri is the key witness.

INT. AIRPORT / AIRPLANE – NIGHT
Turning Point: Henri walking through airport with Det. Stone as he lays out the plan. For his protection, he’s being relocated to Vermont with a new identity, set up in a small-town salon. “Trust only Cam, your new boss. Both the hitman — and whoever hired him — are still at large.” On plane: Henri picks up the newest copy of Beautiful People magazine. Sees Bradley on the cover, named the “Sexiest Human Alive.”

ACT 2: CHALLENGE THE OLD WAYS
INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON, GREENFIELD VT – DAY
New plan: After a few awkward convo’s, Henri realizes he’s now working at a dog grooming salon. He tries to blend in, initially unsuccessful. Cam runs him through the grooming gauntlet — from de-skunking baths to anal purges. At the end of a really bad day, Cam asks Henri (now Henry Shepherd) to drop off a case of doggie shampoo to his sister, Acadia, who runs the dog shelter.

INT. DOG SHELTER, VT – NIGHT
TE2: Henri realizes that Acadia is unlike the women in his former world. Genuine, totally comfortable in her own skin, and favors practicality over fashion. Henri tries to charm her and makes a fool of himself. She is slow to trust him because of a past relationship with a “pretty boy” like Henri.

HENRI’S APARTMENT, VT – NIGHT
Henri sadly looks at his laptop. He struggles with the fact that he was to be the headliner at the upcoming NYC International Hair Show. Everything’s gone to the dogs. He walks into restroom and stares in the mirror. His thought drift off to:

INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY (FLASHBACK)
A writer from Vanity magazine interviews Henri as he styles her hair. Asks about his rise to fame.

PLACEHOLDER – EARLY DAYS AT MARC RICHE SALON
Henri is an intern, doing shampoos and answering phones. Add a montage of his professional progression?

INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Henri finishes the style of the Vanity mag writer. He spins her around, removes her cape, and they look in the mirror together.

HENRI’S APARTMENT, VT – NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)
Henri frowns at his reflection in mirror.

INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON, GREENFIELD VT – DAY
Plan in action: Henri tries relating to dogs and their owners in ways that worked just fine in Beverly Hills, but does work at the dog salon. Some dogs have a negative reaction to Henri’s cologne and moussed up hair, so he tones both down and wears a ball cap at work.

Acadia stops by. Slowly starts to trust him.
TE3: Acadia starts to fall for him when she thinks he’s a dog groomer, and not even that good of one. Doesn’t use him for his connections (like his previous girlfriend).

INTERCUT SCENES – CONTRAST DOG SALON TRAINING WITH BEVERLY HILLS SALON
Cam, his new boss (and the only one who knows Henri’s true identity), trains him how to do the standard cuts for various breeds, and tells him to never deviate from the manual.

MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Luxury salon scenes. More insight into Marc. Clients call asking for Henri. Marc tells them he’s on a “long vacation,” and assures them they’ll be in good hands with him. Stuart Drake, president of the movie studio, is in the salon. Marc gets intel re: possible motives for someone to hire a hit on Bradley. Part of dialogue will be inaudible, drowned out with blow dryer (to add suspense).

Conan heads into the salon. He bumps into Tiffany on way in. Awkward. Paparazzi snap pics. Marc scolds his assistant for scheduling appointments so close together. Marc casually sets Conan up to go for the lead in WILL OF THE WEST (left vacant by the now-dead Bradley), when Chico the parrot quotes from the movie.

DOG SALON, VT – DAY
More training. Once he learns, Henri fits in a little better, but is uninspired. He hates the manual.

MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Det. Stone interviews Marc about Bradley’s death, asks questions about clients of the salon (Stuart, Conan). Marc acts really reluctant to share the info. States a “Stylist-Client Confidentiality Agreement.” But then proceeds to plant dirt on Conan and Stuart.

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS CEMETERY PARK – DAY
BJ’s funeral. Hitman watches from hidden location.

INT. DOG SALON – DAY
TE4: Acadia casually mentions to Henri that when he styles his hair, he kind of looks like that movie star Bradley James.

INT. PAPI’S SENIOR CENTER – NIGHT
Jared visits Papi on Movie Night.
TE5: Really appreciates best friend Jared more than ever. Having people in his life he can count on means the world. He’s been looking in on his Papi.

HENRI’S APARTMENT, VT – NIGHT
Acadia’s comment earlier in the day, plus a scene from the original WILL OF THE WEST (Henri is watching the movie at same time as Jared and Papi) triggers the realization that he may have been the intended target of the hit. And that Marc lied, he was set up when he was sent on the errand to Bradley’s house.
Midpoint Turning Point: Everything has changed. He can never go back to the salon. His career is on the rocks. And he can’t go back to his old life until Marc’s guilt is proven.

ACT 3: PROFOUND MOMENTS GIVE US NEW WAYS
Rethink everything: Henri realizes it will be hard to prove Marc’s guilt, but sets out to do so with Jared’s help. Henri is shaken that someone he worked so closely with hated him that much. How did he miss that? Meanwhile, he needs to warn Jared/Papi not to trust Marc. They could be in grave danger as Marc and the hitman try to find his hiding location. He asks Jared to be his eyes and ears back in CA.

EXT. PARK, VT – DAY
New plan: While he works daily on outing Marc’s crime, he makes the best of his life in Vermont. Henri invites Acadia on a picnic. They grow closer (to Cam’s dismay), and they work together on plans for a Doggie Adoption Fair in the park.

INT. DOG SALON – DAY
TE6: Henri has his first creative breakthrough at the dog salon when he gives a Jack Russell Terrier a Mohawk, despite the initial dismay from Cam. This starts an Owner/Pet matching-hairdo trend that becomes a popular request in the salon.

Henri gets a panicked call from Acadia, one of the more “unattractive-looking” shelter dogs keeps getting passed over for adoption. Henri does some research into new grooming techniques that are possible.

INT. DOG SHELTER – NIGHT
TE7: He can see the hurt in the dog’s eyes. Henri brings his styling kit and comes to the rescue. Surprises himself with the transformation he’s able to accomplish, once he gets to know the dog and really “see” him.

INT. DOG SALON – DAY
Henri shows Cam the amazing scissoring techniques that transform even the most unsightly dogs into adorable mutts. Cam is impressed, and wants to learn more, include in their services.
TE8: Henri sees how proud Cam is of his dog salon and the genuine bond he has with his clients. Even when business levels were down. Success has nothing to do with luxury or an “it” crowd.

Cam’s business is now booming with new services added. As he updates the website, he accidentally posts a video that has Henri’s voice in the background.

HENRI’S APARTMENT, VT – NIGHT/DAY
Henri and Acadia continue to get closer as they work together on the Dog Adoption Fair. She spends the night at Henri’s. Next morning, she leaves to get ready for the fair.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Back in CA, supermodel/widow Tiffany is in the Marc Riche salon and amuses herself with some doggie hairstyle videos that have gone viral. She and Marc both realize at the same time that the voice is Henri. His cover is blown.

ACT 4: TEST THE CHANGE IN CHARACTER. PROVE NEW WAYS!
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:
EXT. PARK – DAY
Everything is going well at the fair until Henri learns that he’s been discovered. The hitman & henchmen are likely on way to Vermont. The police and Jared show up. No sign of bad guys yet. Mysterious person in a dog suit. Acadia and her dog Hank get kidnapped.

PLACEHOLDER – EPIC BATTLE SCENE
Bad guys get defeated at the fair by Henri’s team (Cam, Jared and Henri), in a David & Goliath-inspired battle. While they police follow a false lead, Henri’s team uses dog toys as impromptu weapons, whipping rock-hard dog biscuits at thugs’ heads with Chuck-its, etc. They use talking balls as a distraction.

Henri saves her and tells her the truth about who he is, but it’s too late. She is terribly hurt. He vows to make it up to her, but must leave for NYC to confront Marc, who is now the headliner for the NYC International Hair Show.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE – NIGHT
Marc’s big head is shown on the Hair Show ad in Times Square.

INT. HOTEL – NIGHT
Resolution: Marc has been leaked false info re: Henri’s death.
Marc is on stage, preparing to do a hair product and styling demo. Tiffany is in the audience, Henri hides behind her. Marc asks for a volunteer. Tiffany steps aside, and out pops Henri.
TE9: An epic battle ensues on stage, with Henri the victor. Marc arrested.

DOG SHELTER, VT – DAY
Henri returns to Vermont. Begs Acadia’s forgiveness. Hopes that Cam will give
him his old job back. TE10: Henri adopts the un-adoptable mutt.
They file into his Subaru, with plans to go on a walk in the park together.

Final surprise: Papi is in the car too. They drive away in Henri’s used Subaru,
now with a Vermont vanity plate “STYLIN

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s High-Speed Beat Sheet

ACT 1: SET UP & SEE OLD WAYS
INT. BERGER HOME – DAY (Prologue)
Ten-year-old Henri Berger gets ready for school in his middle-class home, with the help of his Papi.

INT. SCHOOL BUS / INT. GRADE SCHOOL – DAY
A bratty kid sits behind Young Henri on the bus. Snaps gum and blows bubbles. Accidentally sneezes some gum into the back of Henri’s hair and doesn’t say anything.

INT. GRADE SCHOOL BOY’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Young Jared alerts Young Henri to the “gum issue” as he walks down the hall to homeroom. Young Henri goes inside the restroom. Using supplies from his backpack, he cuts out the gum. After some trial and error, re-styles his hair. He looks pretty damn good! Smiles in the mirror.

EXT. RODEO DRIVE, BEVERLY HILLS – DAY (Current day – 20 years later)
30ish Henri Berger drives his new Mercedes convertible down Rodeo Drive. Parks. Checks himself out in the mirror before getting out of car. Heads towards entrance of the Marc Riche Salon. Avoids a man walking his golden retriever. Then enters salon.

INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Opening: Henri perfectly styles movie star Bradley James’ hair in his boss Marc’s luxury hair salon, as Marc tries to one-up him with his over-the-top beehive style for Bradley’s supermodel wife, Tiffany.

Marc opens up a new box of his signature styling product (Bradley’s favorite) and then trashes it when he realizes his name is misspelled on the label. They all make plans to see each other at Marc’s art gallery celebrity fundraiser later in the day. Henri grabs the abandoned product out of trash after others leave.

INT. PAPI’S SENIOR HOME, CA – DAY
Henri stops by to visit his grandfather (Papi) after work. Brings his hair styling travel kit and styles Papi’s hair. Henri feels guilty about leaving him for the fundraiser, and gives Papi some of the salon’s hair product. But Papi wants something else: wants Henri to promise he’ll join him for Movie Night at the center. Henri says nothing could keep him away.

EXT. BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE, MALIBU – NIGHT
Crime scene. Detective Kurt Stone, CSIs. Dead man’s body in entrance. Henri semi-naked in bushes.

INT. MALIBU ART GALLERY – DAY (SUPER: 6 HOURS EARLIER)
TE1: At the gallery fundraiser, Henri learns that Marc’s sponsorship of the event is more about “seeing and being seen” than supporting the charity. Henri begins to wonder if that’s where his life is headed.

Tiffany asks a dismayed Henri to hold her purse-size dog while she makes a wardrobe change. Marc tells Henri that a new supply of his signature hair product is available. Could he run some out to Bradley’s house?

INT. / EXT BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE, CA – DAY
Inciting Incident: While he’s walking up the driveway, Henri sees Bradley go inside his house and immediately gets shot by a gunman. Henri hides outside, but the killer notices him when he leaves the house and goes to his car. Foot chase ensues.

PLACEHOLDER – CHASE SCENES THRU NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Henri is wearing a bright shirt and easy to track. Henri is able to get temporarily out of sight and finds a house with a backyard pool. He strips down to his boxers and jumps in the pool, hiding out of view. Waits for bad guy to give up. Henri sees him drive off. Meanwhile, a housekeeper has grabbed his clothes. She locked the back door and leaves.

EXT BRADLEY & TIFFANY’S HOUSE, CA – DAY
Henri eventually goes back to his car and calls police? They tell him to stay put. Henri doesn’t have any clothes in the car, but grabs the cape from his hair styling travel kit. Ties that around his waist and goes back up to the front of Bradley’s house, peering in window. Then hides in bushes till police arrive.

INT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Henri sits down with a sketch artist. The killer is a known hitman and Henri is the key witness.

INT. AIRPORT / AIRPLANE – NIGHT
Turning Point: Det. Stone V.O. outlines the plan for Henri. For his protection, he’s being relocated to Vermont with a new identity, set up in a small-town salon. “Trust only Cam, your new boss.”

Henri picks up the newest copy of <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Beautiful People magazine. Sees Bradley on the cover, named the “Sexiest Human Alive.”

ACT 2: CHALLENGE THE OLD WAYS
INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON, GREENFIELD VT – DAY
New plan: After a few awkward convo’s, Henri realizes he’s now working at a dog grooming salon. He tries to blend in with initially unsuccessful efforts. Cam runs him through the grooming gauntlet — from skunk baths to anal purges.

INT. DOG SHELTER, VT – NIGHT
TE2: When Henri meets Acadia, manager of the dog shelter, she is unlike any of the women in his former world. Genuine, totally comfortable in her own skin, and favors practicality over fashion. Henri tries to charm her and makes a fool of himself. She is slow to trust him because of a past relationship with a “pretty boy” like Henri.

HENRI’S APARTMENT, VT – NIGHT
Henri sadly looks at his laptop. He struggles with the fact that he was to going to be the headliner at the upcoming NYC International Hair Show. Everything’s gone to the dogs. He walks into restroom and stares in the mirror. His thought drift off to:

INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY (FLASHBACK)
A writer from “Vanity” magazine interviews Henri as he styles her hair. Asks about his rise to fame.

PLACEHOLDER – EARLY DAYS AT MARC RICHE SALON
Henri is an intern, doing shampoos and answering phones. Add a montage of his professional progression?

INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Henri finishes the style for the Vanity mag writer. He spins her around, removes her cape, and they look in the mirror together at her transformation.

HENRI’S APARTMENT, VT – NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)
Henri frowns at his reflection in mirror. He doesn’t really know who’s looking back anymore.

INT. SITTING PRETTY SALON, GREENFIELD VT – DAY
Plan in action: Henri tries relating to dogs and their owners in ways that worked just fine in Beverly Hills. But his appearance and manner does not fit in at the dog salon.

Acadia stops by. Slowly starts to trust him.
TE3: Acadia starts to fall for him when she thinks he’s a dog groomer, and not even that good of one. Doesn’t use him for his connections (like his previous girlfriend).

INTERCUT SCENES – CONTRAST DOG SALON TRAINING WITH BEVERLY HILLS SALON
Cam, his new boss (and the only one who knows Henri’s true identity), trains Henri how to do the standard cuts for various breeds, and tells him to never deviate from the manual.

MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Luxury salon scenes. More insight into Marc. Clients call asking for Henri. Marc makes something up. Include a salon scene with Stuart Drake?

DOG SALON, VT – DAY
More training. Once he learns, Henri fits in a little better, but is uninspired.

MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Police interview Marc about Bradley’s death.

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS CEMETERY PARK – DAY
BJ’s funeral. Hitman watches from hidden location.

INT. MARC RICHE SALON – DAY
Conan is in the salon. He bumps into Tiffany on way in. Awkward. Paparazzi snap pics. Marc scolds his assistant for scheduling appointments so close together.

Marc casually sets Conan up to go for the lead left vacant by Bradley, when Chico the parrot quotes from WILL OF THE WEST, the movie that Bradley was set to star in.

INT. DOG SALON – DAY
TE4: Acadia casually mentions to Henri that when he styles his hair, he kind of looks like that movie star Bradley James.

INT. PAPI’S SENIOR CENTER – NIGHT
Jared visits Papi on Movie Night.
TE5: Henri really appreciates best friend Jared more than ever. He’s been looking in on his Papi. Having people in his life he can count on means the world.

HENRI’S APARTMENT, VT – NIGHT
Acadia’s comment earlier in the day, plus a scene from the original WILL OF THE WEST triggers the realization that he may have been the intended target of the hit. And that Marc lied — he was set up when he was sent on the errand to Bradley’s house. Discovers the label-over-the-label on the “Modeling Glue.” The typo was on purpose!

Midpoint Turning Point: Everything has changed. He can never go back to the salon. His career is on the rocks. And he can’t go back to his old life until Marc’s guilt is proven.

ACT 3: PROFOUND MOMENTS GIVE US NEW WAYS
Rethink everything: Henri realizes it will be hard to prove Marc’s guilt, but sets out to do so with Jared’s help. Henri is shaken that someone he worked so closely with hated him that much. How did he miss that? Meanwhile, he needs to warn Jared/Papi not to trust Marc. They could be in grave danger as Marc and the hitman try to find his hiding location. He asks Jared to be his eyes and ears back in CA.

EXT. PARK, VT – DAY
Henri invites Acadia on a picnic.
New plan: While he works daily on outing Marc’s crime, he makes the best of his life in Vermont. He and Acadia grow closer (to Cam’s dismay), and they work together on plans for a Doggie Adoption Fair in the park.

INT. DOG SALON – DAY
TE6: Henri has his first creative breakthrough at the dog salon when he gives a Jack Russell Terrier a Mohawk, despite the initial dismay from Cam. This starts an Owner/Pet matching-hairdo trend that becomes a popular request in the salon.

Henri gets a panicked call from Acadia, one of the more “unattractive-looking” shelter dogs keeps getting passed over for adoption. Henri does some research into new grooming techniques that are possible.

INT. DOG SHELTER – NIGHT
TE7: Henri brings his styling kit and comes to the rescue. He can see the hurt in the dog’s eyes. Surprises himself with the transformation he’s able to accomplish, once he gets to know the dog and really “see” him.

INT. DOG SALON – DAY
Henri shows Cam the amazing scissoring techniques that transform even the most unsightly dogs into adorable mutts. Cam is impressed, and wants to learn more.
TE8: Henri sees how proud Cam is of his dog salon and the genuine bond he has with his clients. Success has nothing to do with luxury or an “it” crowd.

Cam’s business is now booming with new services added. As he updates the website, he accidentally posts a video that has Henri’s voice in the background.

HENRI’S APARTMENT, VT – NIGHT/DAY
Henri and Acadia continue to grow closer as they work together on the Dog Adoption Fair. She spends the night at Henri’s. Next morning, she leaves to get ready for the fair.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Back in CA, supermodel/widow Tiffany is in the Marc Riche salon and amuses herself with some doggie hairstyle videos that have gone viral. She and Marc both realize at the same time that the voice is Henri.

ACT 4: TEST THE CHANGE IN CHARACTER. PROVE NEW WAYS!
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:

EXT. PARK – DAY
Everything is going well at the fair until Henri learns that his cover is blown. The hitman & henchmen are likely on way to Vermont. The police and Jared show up. No sign of bad guys yet. Mysterious person in an adorable dog suit. Acadia and her dog Hank get kidnapped.

PLACEHOLDER – EPIC BATTLE SCENE
While they police follow a false lead, Bad Guys get defeated by Henri’s team (Cam, Jared and Henri), in a David & Goliath-inspired battle. They use talking balls as a distraction, and dog toys as impromptu weapons, whipping rock-hard dog biscuits at thugs’ heads with Chuck-its, etc.

Henri saves Acadia and tells her the truth about who he is, but it’s too late. She is terribly hurt. He vows to make it up to her, but must leave for NYC to confront Marc, who is currently the headliner at the NYC International Hair Show.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE – NIGHT
Marc’s big head is shown on the Hair Show ad in Times Square.

INT. HOTEL – NIGHT
Resolution: Marc has been leaked false info re: Henri’s death.

Marc is on stage, preparing to do a hair product and styling demo. Tiffany is in the audience, Henri hides behind her. Marc asks for a volunteer. Tiffany steps aside, and out pops Henri.
TE9: An epic battle ensues on stage, with Henri the victor. Marc arrested.

DOG SHELTER, VT – DAY
Henri returns to Vermont. Begs Acadia’s forgiveness.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>TE10: Henri adopts the un-adoptable mutt.
They file into his Subaru to go on a hike together.
Final surprise: Papi is in the car too.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Transformational Events

OLD WAYS
– Materialistic
– Not crazy about dogs. Filthy beasts!
– Perfectionist
– Values conventional outer beauty
– He’s part of a fashionable “It” crowd with so many friends
– Surrounds himself with celebrities
– Has a girlfriend who uses him for his connections. Is attracted to her for her outward beauty.
– Takes crap from Marc
– Needs others to validate his success

NEW WAYS
– Down to earth
– Appreciates dogs for their intelligence, uniqueness and loyalty
– Expands definition of beauty to include individuality and inner beauty
– Accepts imperfections
– Surrounds himself with real friends and people he loves
– Has a girlfriend who sees him. Is attracted to her for her individuality and inner beauty.
– Defeats Marc and gets him arrested for attempted murder
– Success and happiness has a new meaning

STEPS THAT NEED TO HAPPEN TO GO FROM OLD WAYS TO NEW
– See that expensive clothes, car, and your “it crowd” do not define your success
– Gradually adjust to being around dogs. Learn about them, and from them.
– Learn that beauty comes in all forms, both outward and inward. (inc. clothes & hair)
– See what was a lie and what is true in his life
– Learn what is really important in a romantic relationship
– Learn the truth about Marc and defeat him. And realize that he doesn’t want to be him.
– Redefine success and happiness

TRANSFORMATIONAL EVENTS
Brainstorm dramatic events or tests that could cause those changes for the character.

– At the gallery fundraiser, Henri learns that Marc’s sponsorship of the event is more about “seeing and being seen” than supporting the charity. And trolling for new clients. “Can you ever have too many friends, be too rich, or be too good-looking?” Marc’s words echo in his head. Henri begins to wonder if that’s where his life is headed.

– When Henri meets Acadia, she is unlike any of the women in his former world. Genuine, totally comfortable in her own skin, and favors practicality over fashion.

– Acadia falls for him when she thinks he’s a dog groomer, and seemingly not even a good one. Doesn’t use him for his connections (like his previous girlfriend).

– Henri has his first creative breakthrough at the dog salon when he gives a Jack Russell Terrier a Mohawk, despite the initial dismay from Cam. This starts an Owner/Pet matching-hairdo trend that becomes a popular request in the salon.

– Henri has his first real insight into dogs as emotional beings when he learns that the “ugliest” mutt (Goodfella) keeps getting passed over for adoption. He sees the hurt in the dog’s eyes. Henri uses some fancy grooming techniques to show off Goodfella’s good features and personality.

– Henri sees how proud Cam is of his dog salon and the genuine bond he has with his clients. Even when business levels were down. Success has nothing to do with luxury or an “it” crowd.

– Acadia casually mentions to Henri that when he styles his hair, he kind of looks like that movie star Bradley James. This triggers the realization that he may have been the intended target of the hit. And that Marc lied — he was set up when Marc sent him on the errand to Bradley’s house.

– Really appreciates Jared for looking in on his Papi. Having people in his life he can count on means the world.

– Henri sees that Jared would risk his life for him, when he helps Henri look for clues re: who hired the hit. And misleads the hitman, leaving a fake iPhone in plain view.

– Jared comes to the rescue, along with the police, to save Henri and Acadia.
And then later, Jared helps trap Marc. Jared is a true friend. Trust is everything.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s 4 Act Transformational Structure

CONCEPT: After witnessing a notorious hitman murder a Hollywood movie star, celebrity hairstylist Henri Berger is relocated for his protection. He lives and works incognito as a dog groomer in Vermont, where he meets the love of his life — but he can’t tell her who he really is.

MAIN CONFLICT: Hair Superstar Marc Riche wants protégé Henri out of his salon — and his life —and hires a hitman to kill him. But things go sideways and the wrong guy gets killed.

The hitman is still at large, and no one knows who hired the hit. Henri doesn’t know who to trust. He goes into a protection program with a new identity. <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>He’s now living a lie in order to stay alive.

OLD WAYS
– Materialistic
– Anal. Life shouldn’t be messy.
– Not crazy about dogs. Filthy beasts!
– Perfectionist
– Values conventional outer beauty
– He’s part of an “It” crowd with so many “friends”
– Surrounds himself with celebrities and perfection
– Needs others to validate his success

NEW WAYS
– Down to earth
– Life doesn’t have to be perfect
– Learns to appreciate dogs for their intelligence, uniqueness and loyalty
– Re-evaluates individuality, inner and outer beauty
– Accepts imperfections
– Realizes the value of his true friends and family
– Surrounds himself with real friends and people he loves
– Redefines success and happiness

ACT 1: SET UP & SEE OLD WAYS
Opening: Henri perfectly styles movie star Bradley James’ hair in his boss Marc’s luxury hair salon, as Marc tries to one-up him with his over-the-top beehive style for Bradley’s supermodel wife, Tiffany.

Marc opens up a new box of his signature styling product (Bradley’s favorite) and then trashes it when he realizes his name is misspelled on the label. Bradley’s style is finished with a substitute product, and they all make plans to see each other at Marc’s art gallery celebrity fundraiser later in the day. Henri stops by to visit his grandfather (Papi) after work.

Inciting Incident: At the fundraiser, Tiffany asks a dismayed Henri to hold her purse-size dog while she makes a wardrobe change. Marc tells Henri that a new supply of the product is available. Could he run some out to Bradley’s house? When Henri does so, he witnesses Bradley’s murder, who was seemingly lying in wait for Bradley.

Turning Point: Henri is able to identify a known hitman. For his protection, he’s relocated to Vermont with a new identity — working as a dog groomer, of all things.

ACT 2: CHALLENGE THE OLD WAYS
New plan: Henri tries to blend in at work in the dog salon, and tries to charm Acadia (who is so not his type), manager of the dog shelter, with initially unsuccessful efforts. He struggles with the fact that his career was on a rocket ship. He was to be the headliner at the upcoming NYC International Hair Show, in fact. And now he’s doing everything from doggie skunk baths to anal purges.

Plan in action: Henri’s appearance and manner does not fit in at the Vermont dog salon as Henri tries to relate to dogs and their owners in ways that worked just fine in Beverly Hills. Cam, his new boss (and the only one who knows Henri’s true identity), trains him in how to do the standard cuts for various breeds, and tells him to never deviate from the manual. Once he learns, Henri fits in a little better, but is uninspired.

He also makes a fool of himself with Acadia, who doesn’t quite know what to make of him. She is slow to trust him because of a past relationship with a “pretty boy” like Henri.

Midpoint Turning Point: Henri suspects that he was the intended target, and that Marc was behind the hit. He can never go back to the salon. His career is on the rocks. And he can’t go back to his old life until Marc’s guilt is proven. He misses his Papi terribly, and is grateful his best friend Jared will be looking in on him. Meanwhile, he needs to warn both of them not to trust Marc. They could be in grave danger as Marc and the hitman try to find where he is hiding.

ACT 3: PROFOUND MOMENTS GIVE US NEW WAYS
Rethink everything: Henri realizes it will be hard to prove Marc’s guilt, but sets out to do so. Henri is shaken that someone he worked so closely with hated him that much. How did he miss that? He asks Jared to be his eyes and ears back in CA, and appreciates him now more than ever.

Henri gets a panicked call from Acadia. One of the more “unattractive-looking” shelter dogs keeps getting passed over for adoption. Henri does some research into new grooming techniques that are amazing. Henri brings his styling kit and comes to the rescue. Surprises himself with the transformation he’s able to accomplish, once he gets to know the dog and really “see” him.

New plan: While he works daily on finding evidence that proves Marc’s crime, he makes the best of his life in Vermont. He and Acadia grow closer (to Cam’s dismay), and they work together on plans for a Doggie Adoption Fair in the park. After initial resistance from Cam, Henri launches a Doggie/Owner “Style-Pairing” program that proves to be quite popular. He also introduces amazing scissoring techniques that transform even the most unsightly dogs into adorable mutts.

Cam’s business is now booming with the new services Henri has added. As Cam updates the website, he accidentally posts a video that has Henri’s voice in the background.

Henri and Acadia take their relationship to the next level when she spends the night at Henri’s. The next morning, she leaves to get ready for the fair.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Back in CA, supermodel/widow Tiffany is in the Marc Riche Salon and amuses herself with some unusual doggie hairstyle videos that have gone viral. She and Marc both realize at the same time that the voice belongs to Henri. Henri’s cover is blown.

ACT 4: TEST THE CHANGE IN CHARACTER. PROVE NEW WAYS!
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Henri learns that the hitman & henchmen are on the way to Vermont. So are the police and Jared, but can they get there in time? Henri races to the fair to warn her, but she’s been kidnapped.

In a David & Goliath-type battle (with dog toys no less), he saves Acadia and tells her the whole truth about who he is — but it’s too late. She is terribly hurt. He vows to make it up to her, but must leave for NYC to confront Marc. He is now the headliner at the International Hair Show, currently in progress.

Resolution: Marc has been leaked false info re: Henri’s death. Tiffany is in the audience, Henri hides behind her. While doing a style/hair product demo, he asks for a volunteer. Tiffany steps aside, and out pops Henri! An epic battle ensues on stage, with lots of hairspray and sharp objects. Henri is the victor. Marc arrested.

Henri returns to Vermont. Begs Acadia’s forgiveness. Adopts the un-adoptable mutt. They file into his Subaru to go on a hike together. Final surprise: Papi is in the car too.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Character Interviews

PROTAGONIST: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Henri Berger

Tell me about yourself. I was living the good life in California. I had everything a guy could ask for. My career was on a rocket ship. Was gonna be the headliner for the NYC International Hair Show! And my Papi lived close by, so I got to spend time a lot of time with him. But everything went to hell once I witnessed Bradley’s murder.

Why do you think you were called
to this journey? Why you? Not to toot my own horn, but who else could be thrust in this world and do as well as me? Sure, it sucked at first. But I’m safe, and hoping it’s only temporary. And it turns out I’m not half bad at dog grooming.

You are up against _____ (a
hitman and whoever hired him). What is it about them that makes this
journey even more difficult for you? They could kill me! If I let my guard
down and try to feel normal… I risk them finding me.

In order to survive or accomplish
this, you are going to have to step <i style=”font-weight: bold;”>way
outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them
will be the most difficult?
I have to give up everything that makes me, well… Me. No more nice car, clothes — and my <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Salvatore Ferragamo shoes! History. Cam is making me wear a hat, for chrissake. That’s gotta be some kinda sin, covering up a mane like mine. But truth be told, I’m going to miss Papi most of all. Thank God Jared promised to check in on him until the Bad Guys are caught and I can go back home.

What habits or ways of thinking do
you think will be the most difficult to let go of?
I was a star back in Beverly Hills… “The Hair-gician,” in fact. (VANITY magazine said so!)
Now I’m just some schmuck doing everything from doggie skunk baths to anal purges. So gross! And such a waste of my talent.

I want that feeling of being on top of my game again. That creative high when everything connects from my brain down to my fingers.

What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back? In some ways, my insecurities hav<i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>e propelled me… rather than <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>holding me back. But they’ve also kept me a kind of prisoner in “their” world. Part of me is still that 10-year old kid in grade school, with the big wad of gum some snooty jerk sneezed into my hair. I remember all those smart-ass kids laughing at me as I walked down the hall.

I’m still proving myself, right? Even though I got the last laugh when I cut out the gum and styled my own hair… and looked freakin’ awesome, BTW.

What skills, background or
expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist? My creativity has served me well over the years. I can use it to adapt in this new world. My life depends on blending in. There must be some hairstyling skills that I can transfer over to dog grooming, right?

What are you hiding from the other
characters? What don’t you want them to know? I don’t want anyone in Vermont to know I’m not really Henry Shepherd, dog groomer. Or that I’m actually Henri Berger, stylist to the stars.

Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story. It feels so unfair. I was going places… did I mention I was on a rocket ship? Now I’m on a bus to Dogsville. All because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

As long as I’m here, might as well make the best of things. I think I’m falling for Acadia, the woman who runs the dog adoption shelter. So weird, right? She’s so not my type. And I think the dogs are starting to get me.

What does it do for your life if
you succeed here? For starters, a major career change. If I want it. And a chance to break out of the mold I’ve set up for myself. Oh, yeah. The chance at true love. Acadia really sees me.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

ANTAGONIST: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Marc Riche

Tell me about yourself. I’m Marc Riche, Hairstylist to the Stars… “As seen on TV” and in countless style magazines. Think of me when you’re watching the Oscars — I’m the guy that did their hair.

Why are you committed to making
the Protagonist fail? He was never supposed to make it as far as he did. He was an intern, answering phones and doing shampoos. Now he’s replacing me at the International Hair Show! He’ll be sorry he didn’t stay in his lane.

What do you get out of winning
this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition? I get my throne back, I get out of Henri’s shadow. The complete respect of my clients back.

What drives you toward your
mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death?
I feel betrayed by Henri. It’s time to take some extreme measures.

What secrets must you keep to
succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity? Well, there’s the Big Secret: that I hired a hitman to kill Henri. And then that idiot killed the wrong guy! Poor Bradley.

As long as you’re sworn to secrecy: I was a little jealous of Henri. If you ever repeat that… well, I’ve got a hitman on speed dial. Skills I spent years trying to perfect came so naturally to him.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Character Profile – Part 2

What I learned: Figuring out my character’s Subtext Traits was challenging! Had not thought about that aspect at all yet.
– – – – – – – – – – –

HENRI BERGER

What draws us to this character?
He’s a fish out of water that we will enjoy seeing flounder at first. And then cheer him on as he adapts in his new world.

Traits: Vain, Creative, Witty, Talented

Subtext: He uses sarcasm-with-a-smile and a dash of bullshit. Since he is lying about his real identity, he must pretend to fit in. He must act like he’s cut out to be a dog groomer, while hiding his discomfort and lack of knowledge. He also needs to change-up his look — swapping out his Armani with L.L.Bean — while trying to look natural.

Flaw: Materialistic

Values: Recognition of his Talent, Humor, Friendship, Family

Irony: His life begins to feel more real in his fake world.

What makes this the right character for this role?
He’s resourceful, so we know he can eventually adapt. But since he’s so full of himself, we enjoy watching him suffer a bit at first. As he adapts to dogs and his new job as a groomer, he begins to treat them similarly to his hair salon clients — as partners in a professional relationship.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

ACADIA PARKS

What draws us to this character?
She’s comfortable in her own skin, doesn’t need to fit into societal molds regarding beauty and fashion. She happily sings off key. Dances like no one’s watching, etc.

Traits: Sweet, Caring, Suspicious of Men, Quirky

Subtext: Hides her attraction to Henri. Pretends to be put off by him. Doesn’t laugh at his attempted jokes or show any signs of falling for his charms. Polite, but keeps her guard up.

Flaw: Shut-off to Relationships

Values: Dogs, Loyalty, Individuality

Irony: She has so much love to give, but is shut off to new relationships. She sees canine traits in people.

What makes this the right character for this role?
She’s completely unlike the women surrounding Henri in his old world. Being with her allows him to discover another side of himself on his journey.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Character Profiles Part 1

What I learned: Having a hard time wrapping my head around Henri’s love interest being the Antagonist! I will learn to get used to it.

ROM-COM

HENRI BERGER (Protagonist)
Role in the story: Runner / Victim. Up-and-coming celebrity hairstylist whose career and life gets upended when he witnesses a murder and is relocated for his safety.
Age range and Description: Male, 30s. Perfect hair, fashion-conscious.
Internal Journey: Henri goes from being obsessive, anal, and insecure — governed by what others think — to a guy who “keeps it real” and redefines what’s important in his life.
External Journey: From image-conscious, accomplished celebrity hairstylist to creative and sought-after dog groomer. From needing to be part of the “it” crowd to a guy who prefers the company of his real friends.
Motivation: Creativity. To excel in his craft.
Wound: Needs to get past his “less-than” self-image as a middle-class grade school kid in a school with upper-class, snooty kids.
Mission/Agenda: To figure out who hired the hit on movie star Bradley James. He is living incognito in a new world and doesn’t know who to trust.
Secret: He’s not who he says he is. Hiding his true identity while in a witness protection program.
What makes him special? He’s incredibly adaptable. Able to turn lemons into lemonade, shit into Shinola. That skill set will really come in handy in his new, faux world.

ACADIA PARKS (Antagonist1)
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Role in the story: Change Agent / Love Interest. Dog shelter director in a small Vermont town, and *Cameron’s younger sister (*Henri’s new boss).
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Age range and Description: Female, 30s, natural beauty. Practicality trumps fashion.
Internal Journey: Goes from suspicious to trusting (twice), and from reserved to happy.
External Journey: From guarded, to open to new relationship possibilities
Motivation: Wants to play by her own rules in life. Values individuality. Doesn’t believe in dressing or behaving to impress other people.
Wound: Was hurt in her last relationship; she keeps single men at arm’s length.
Secret: Prefers the company of dogs over some people. She knows they’re loyal.
What makes her special? She has so much love to give, but rarely opens up to anyone but
her dogs.

MARC RICHE (Antagonist2)
Role in the story: Predator. Owns the Marc Riche Hair Salon in Beverly Hills. The Hairstylist to the Stars. A narcissist who is threatened by the talent of his protégé, Henri.
Age range and Description: Male, 40s, immaculately dressed. Mannequin hair.
Internal Journey: None
External Journey: From hairstyling demigod to dangerous narcissist
Motivation: Wants to continue his reign as The Hair Superstar.
Wound: He mentored a salon intern (Henri) who outshines him in a number of ways.
Mission/Agenda: He wants Henri out of his life
Secret: He hires a hitman to kill Henri. Unfortunately, the wrong guy gets killed.
What makes him special? He is an evil creative genius. He was the best in his field for years, but it was never enough. Still so insecure that he needs to see his name everywhere — on signs, hair product, at sponsored events — to reaffirm his status.

Supporting characters:
Chuck MacKay, Hitman
Detective Kurt Stone, Lead on the Bradley James murder investigation
Cameron Parks, owns the Sitting Pretty Dog Grooming Salon where Henri will work
Jared, Henri’s best friend since grade school

Minor roles: Movie star Bradley James (murder victim), his supermodel wife Tiffany, her ex-husband/actor Conan King, Studio CEO Stuart Drake, and Chico the Parrot

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, my name is Pamela Rice.

The story I’m working on in this class (TANGLED UP) is my first script. I originally came up with the concept 2 years ago in Hal’s COMEDY class. Have been tinkering with it for awhile now, most recently in Hal’s THRILLER class. Looking forward to a finished draft in 30 days! It’s time to light this candle :0)

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Something unique, special, strange or unusual about me? My husband and I run a Doggie Daycare & Boarding business. I’m almost always in the company of half a dozen or more dogs. They are part of my story’s inspiration.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam’s Transformational Journey

What I learned: in order to give my Hero enough room to grow, I need to make him initially less likable than I had envisioned. Maybe a bit of a Tool…

Who is your Hero & what is their Character Arc that represents a Transformation?
One of Hollywood’s top celebrity hairstylists, 30ish HENRI BERGER, witnesses a murder and is relocated for his protection. He must adapt in his new, rural Vermont world — living incognito as a dog groomer.

Internal Journey: Henri goes from being obsessive, anal, and insecure — governed by what others think — to a guy who “keeps it real” and redefines what’s important in his life.

External Journey: From image-conscious, accomplished Celebrity Hairstylist to creative and sought-after Dog Groomer — and ultimately doesn’t see this as a step down the career ladder. From needing to be part of the “it” crowd to a guy who knows who his real friends are.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>OLD WAYS

– Materialistic
– Anal. Life shouldn’t be messy.
– Values conventional outer beauty
– Perfectionist
– Surrounds himself with celebrities and perfection
– Needs others to validate his success

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>NEW WAYS
– Down to earth
– Life doesn’t have to be perfect
– Re-evaluates individuality, inner and outer beauty
– Accepts imperfections
– Surrounds himself with real friends and people he loves
– Redefines success and happiness

[Pamela Rice]

Hello, fellow WIM7-ers: There appears to be a glitch in the system with the regular REPLY button. One work-around is to post assignment as a response to others’ post, OR post from our iPhones? For now, anyway, that seems to work.
Best, Pam
– – – –

PAM’S NEW OUTLINE BEATS

What I learned: This was a great exercise to fill in the plot as my story evolves further.
– – – – –

COLD-BLOODED BEAUTY (Horror/Comedy)

ACT 1
Opening/HORROR: Mortician checks in a corpse of a middle-aged man. Slides him in a drawer.
The next morning he is perplexed and horrified when he pulls out the man for cremation, but his face is of a much older man.

PRO-JY1: At her house, EVE screams when friends jump out to wish her a happy 50th birthday.

Next day: Eve’s bored and hungover in her cubicle at the ad agency. Her boss stops by to let her know the Creative Director promotion went to a newer, younger guy.

PRO-JY2: At lunch, Eve’s best friend (and local TV host) ZIVIA asks her to be her Maid-of-Honor. Eve accepts. Later, Eve reluctantly admits that her boyfriend broke up with her yesterday.

ANT-JY1: Eve meets Zivia’s Aunt JESSICA, who just moved to their town (Evergreen Heights). Zivia tells Jessica that she’s sorry for her loss, “Louis was a good man.” The youthful wait staff prompts Jessica to bring up her first husband’s infidelity with a younger woman.

COMEDY: (Set-up) Zivia finds a hair in her soup. Demands all meals be comped. The wait staff politely comply, but loathe her.

Inciting Incident: LeZarde Skin Cream party in Jessica’s home, which Zivia ropes Eve into attending. Eve buys an Anti-Aging starter kit. Jessica tells Eve she needs help with her skin care campaign. Eve suggests her agency.

HORROR: During the party, a mouse scurries across the floor. All the guests scream, while Jessica remains oddly calm. Jessica tells them “it’s just that time of year.” After her guests leave, Jessica finds and eats the mouse.

Concerned that her home may be infested as well, Eve stops at Home Depot. HENRY, a charming employee, helps her pick out traps. There are sparks between them.

TP1: Eve, her friends, and neighbors start using the Anti-Aging night cream.
DEEPER LAYER: The product’s secret exfoliating ingredient (reptile stem cells) causes users to unknowingly transform into Reptilians each night while they sleep, turning back to normal at sunrise.

ACT 2
PRO-JY3: Eve becomes the lead designer for the LeZarde account, but with mixed feelings. She looks younger by the day, but senses something’s off with both the night cream and Jessica.

ANT-JY: As Jessica reviews some ad mock-ups on her computer, it triggers a FLASHBACK. She angrily throws a beauty magazine in the trash, disgusted that “all of the skin cream ads are lies.” Her husband and Zoologist, LOUIS, retrieves the mag.
REVEAL: He is the same man as corpse we saw in Opening.

Louis stumbles across the “Later Alligator” skin cream ad, which sparks an idea. Weeks later, Jessica visits him at his lab, amongst caged reptiles (snakes, alligators, lizards). She is initially frightened — and repelled — when he presents her with his skin cream concoctions, which contain reptile stem cells for enhanced exfoliation. The sound of a triggered mousetrap ends the Flashback.

HORROR: Jessica grabs the trap. We think she’s going to snack on the fresh catch, but she heads into her garage, which is home to a large monitor lizard (Lizzie Borden). She tosses her a treat.

HINTS1: Eve finds a very large shedded reptile skin in her laundry room. A little creeped out, she heads back to Home Depot. Henry is pleased to see her again.

PRO-JY4: With her renewed youthful appearance, Eve is inspired to pursue one of her youthful dreams: she signs up for a fine-art painting class. Her homework is a self-portrait.

HORROR: Abstract images: Reptilian eyes in the night. A flickering, forked tongue hisses.

HINTS2/COMEDY: During a presentation at the ad agency, Eve can’t stop hissing her “S” words. It’s rather embarrassing.

ANT-JY2: With the rave reviews coming in from the night cream test subjects, Jessica is able to expand her product sales distribution and raise prices. She broadcasts an infomercial on social media, and is a guest star on Zivia’s morning show.

HINTS3: Behavior changes around town: Night cream users (mostly middle-aged women) have longer fingernails. They become more aggressive after sundown.

COMEDY: Filene’s Basement Annual Bridal Sale, at night within locked doors. Zivia, Eve and dozens of other women shop for discounted designer gowns. The claws really come out!

COMEDY: A town resident (STUART) posts a YouTube video that shows what looks like an alligator’s tail and back leg slinking into his shrubbery. He goes to police with a claim that a Reptilian abducted his cat. DETECTIVE MAXINE MCVEY is assigned to the case.

COMEDY: (Callback) To the dismay of wait staff, Eve and Zivia return to the same restaurant for dinner and drinks. Zivia hacks up some fur and a cat’s eyeball. When she raises a fuss, the staff suspect they are being set-up for more comps. Zivia and Eve are thrown out.

Eve considers stopping at Home Depot to see Henry.

HORROR/COMEDY: Home Depot fight scene between Henry and 2-3 late shoppers-turned-Reptilians. Henry literally uses every tool in his arsenal to ward them off as they go from aisle to aisle. Both Henry and one of the Reptilians are seriously injured.

HORROR/HINTS4: Eve wakes up in the morning curled up in her bathtub — naked — with no idea how she got there. She becomes more upset when she learns that Henry is in the hospital after a bizarre “reptile break-in” and attack at Home Depot.

TP2/Midpoint: Eve is even more horrified when she sees her completed self-portrait — it has a grotesque face of a reptile! Could she have been one of the attacking Reptilians in Home Depot?! She checks her Ring doorbell video and is relieved when it shows her coming home right after the restaurant, without leaving again.

Worried about what’s been happening around town (and to herself), she heads to Zivia’s place. Zivia assures her the portrait is only the “vivid imagination of an artist.”

Eve visits Henry in hospital. He’s scratched-up, head bandaged. He smiles when he sees her. Simultaneously, several women are being discharged from the hospital with bandaged arms.

MAJOR REVEAL: That evening, Eve sets up a video camera, then ties herself to her bed. In the morning, her worst fears are confirmed: the night cream turns users into Reptilians while they sleep. She tosses out her remaining supply.

ACT 3
PRO-JY4: Eve confronts Jessica, who denies her products’ side effects. Eve plots to get it out of circulation. She enlists the help of Det. McVey.
PRO-JY: Eve starts a new self-portrait.

ANT-JY: As Eve warns folks about the night cream’s side effects, Jessica discredits Eve. She offers full refunds to anyone with complaints, in exchange for product returns (But no one comes forward).
FLASHBACK2/ANT-JY: MONTAGE showing the development of the night cream, from early days’ success to a grisly murder in woods. When Louis threatens to pull the plug on the night cream, Jessica causes him to have a fatal heart attack.

REVEAL: Eve re-watches the “Alligator” YouTube video and notices something shiny on the creature’s ankle. She zooms in closely and gasps. It’s Zivia’s ankle bracelet!

TP3: When Eve confronts Zivia, she discovers that she never stopped using the night cream. They get in a heated argument. Zivia “fires” Eve as her Maid-of-Honor, replaces her with Jessica.

INTRIGUE: Out of state, a woman’s body is found in the woods, all scratched-up, throat slit. The case catches Det. McVey’s attention. Wounds are similar to Home Depot victims in hospital.

ANT-JY: Det. McVey questions Jessica re: the night cream’s side effects. Jessica deflects all of the accusations, insisting there’s no proof. Det. McVey shows her Eve’s video, which Jessica claims to be Photoshop’d.

INTRIGUE: McVey discovers that Jessica used to live in the same town as the body in woods. And the victim is none other than the current wife of Jessica’s Ex.

ACT 4/CLIMAX
Zivia’s night-time wedding on an island. Det. McVey shows up at the reception to arrest Jessica. At midnight, a major Reptilian metamorphosis amongst guests. Zivia is one nasty BrideZilla! She almost kills her new husband during a slow dance. She kills one or more of her guests before Eve and Det. McVey tie her up.

ANT-JY: Jessica manages to escape from Det. McVey. She goes after Eve.
PRO-JY5: Jessica and Eve death battle. Jessica drags Eve into the water. As Jessica turns back into a human at sunrise, she drowns. Eve swims to safety.

Resolution:
– LeZarde’s facility/store gets shut down. Det. McVey loads cases of the night cream into a van.
– Animal control is at Jessica’s house. They load up “Lizard Borden.”
– A haggered Zivia wears an orange jumpsuit in jail. We see her freaky-looking mug shots.
– Stuart positively I.D.s Zivia as the Reptilian he saw on his property. He’s relieved to get justice for his cat.
– A replacement morning show anchor reports on the horrific events.
– Eve and her classmates are at a gallery showing. Eve proudly displays her new self-portrait and true age. Henry is out of the hospital and by her side.
– Det. McVey is at the exhibit. Eve thanks her for all her help in putting an end to the horrors of the night cream.
– Later in the McVey home: we see Det. McVey in front of a mirror. She reaches into a case of the night cream and pulls out a jar. Massages the cream onto her face. Final image: she goes into her bedroom and locks the door.

LOOSE ENDS: Work Old Uncle Hank into the outline, and show his relationship with Jessica. Set up Det. McVey’s dual feelings re: the night cream, so that it makes more sense that she ultimately can’t give it up. Or perhaps it’s Uncle Hank steals the final supply?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

PAM’S DEEPER LAYER

What I learned: I’m still pondering how and when to fully reveal my “Reptilian monster” to the audience. I also found the thought of merging this with my 2 main Character’s Structures to be rather daunting, so I’m putting that off until the next lesson. :0)
– – – – – –

Surface Layer: Women in a small town are among the first to test out a new anti-aging night cream. They are overjoyed with the miraculous results.

Deeper Layer: The product’s secret ingredient (reptile stem cells) causes users to unknowingly transform into Reptilians while they sleep, turning back into humans at sunrise.

How the Deeper Layer influences the Surface Story: While the physical transformation happens after midnight, users experience other changes during the day, such as increased aggression, stealthy reflexes and changed appetites, which affect relationships and situations.

Hints: Many clues are presented that folks don’t initially associate with the night cream: a cat goes missing, human-size shedded reptile skins found in homes, household mice problems eliminated, folks hiss their “s” sounds, etc.

Major Reveal: At the midpoint, Protagonist Eve is horrified to see her completed self-portrait — it has the grotesque face of a reptile! She videotapes herself at night, which confirms her transformation into a Reptilian during the night.

How the Reveal Changes Reality: The anti-aging product previously touted as a “miracle from nature” is revealed to be more of a “deal with the devil.”
– – – – –

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Pamela Rice]

A new forum area has been set up (see below) that corresponds to our Module 2 lessons. :0)

[Pamela Rice]

Alice,

Thanks for taking the time to read my scene. I ended up scrapping it after I posted it. New scene does not have any kisses.

Pam

[Pamela Rice]

That is an intriguing new opening, Bob!

— Will you be able to use your 1987 Macy’s Parade/Snoopy balloon elsewhere in your script as a set-up, prior to the final scenes?

— I was also curious about the Character Traits for Martin vs. Jeff and Amanda vs. Rebecca.
Are you keeping their personalities similar to their counterparts?

Keep up the good work,
Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, Dan.

Thanks for taking the time to read my scene and provide feedback. I enjoyed your scene as well!

If you enjoy movies/TV shows with good dialogue… and soccer… I think you would like Apple TV’s TED LASSO. It’s well-written in a way that makes the audience care about the show’s characters. Maybe give it a try next time you have insomnia?

Cheers,

Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Cool! Using the graphics and sound from the EMERALD FIST game looks like a really versatile way to express subtext & meaning without the characters saying it On The Nose.

You also may be able to use this device in the next exercise re: Scene Transitions.

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, Bob.

I think Ken’s verbal and physical trashing of the artwork on the wall really added some Meaningful Action to the scene. And it revealed another layer of his character, as well.

Best,
Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Hi Johnny,

Just read this, especially love your intro of Richard.

“If the sockless loafers weren’t screaming conman, the bucket of Old Spice certainly was. A porcelain white daggered smile pasted on his face.”

Nice! I feel like I’m in the room with him (holding my nose).

Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Nice work, Bob!

As I considered my feedback, I realized how difficult it is to critique someone else’s characters — no one really knows them like you do.

I also realized that I wasn’t completely sure what a “Character Subtext Logline” was. But I was able to find the “formula” from another Hal class lesson.

__________(name) is a ________ (subtext identity) who _________ (subtext activity).

Based on the above, I think you could add more obvious subtext into a few of your Character Subtext Loglines (if you plan to refer back to them). For example, Rebecca could be stated something like this:

Rebecca is Ken’s Secretly Unfulfilled Fiance who has covert meetings with Jeff, in case he is actually her true soulmate.

Your characters are very interesting, especially Dr. Volger. Training couples to find their soulmates in future lives is quite the specialty! Does he have a backstory re: how he got to be the proclaimed expert in that field? And is he connected with his own soulmate?

Anyway, I hope the above food for thought is helpful. Meanwhile, I have gotten behind on my own homework. That Beat Sheet proved to be a real speed bump for me! I’m trying to get back on track.

Best,

Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Tom, try this:

If you are copying text from a Word doc. If the “normal” way doesn’t work — try copying and pasting your content into an email first. Then, copy from the email into your post. I’ve had to do that a number of times to get mine to work.

Good luck, Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Hi — Thanks for your responses to my post. Interesting new ideas for your ending — connecting more of the players, loose ends and what-not.

What do you think about adding another layer to Dr. Volger? Maybe part of the reason he’s so unethical (and secretly unhappy?) is that he never really connected with his OWN soulmate.

Food for thought…

OK, I should get back to my own story now.

Cheers,

Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Hi Mary,

Here’s another “hack” for posting content from a Word doc. If the “normal” way doesn’t work — try copying and pasting your content into an email first. Then, copy from the email into your post. I’ve had to do that a number of times to get mine to work.

Best, Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Really nice work, Bob! My questions and comments are noted below.

Your beats flow along very well overall. There was just one that didn’t seem plausible to me. See #64, and thank you for indulging my Rant :0)

Hope my notes are helpful. I look forward to more posts on your story.

Best, Pam

– – – – – – – – – – –

Comments on Original Beats:

#4. Is LOVE OF SOULS a real painting by a known artist, or fictitious?

Out of curiosity, I googled the title and found some really cool paintings with similar titles, ranging from realistic to abstract. Check this one out:

https://www.saatchiart.com/art/Painting-LOVING-SOULS-TRAVELLING-THROUGH-THE-TIMES/1825562/8622397/view

And did Dr. Volger have any knowledge that Amanda loved that painting?? (See note below in #25.)

#10. Montage – Love that Martin guards the door to the unisex bathroom. Now that’s chivalry!

#25. Is there any way Ken could have been tipped off by Dr. Volger that Rebecca (formerly Amanda) loved that painting? Or did he somehow manage to pick this out on his own?

#40. Since they are in the law office, how did the bear end up in the street — did Rebecca toss it out the window? And I’m assuming Jeff retrieves it okay, it doesn’t get run over by a car etc.

#64. Dr. Volger has some nerve here! He needs to be persuaded that the “regression” will solve the “ethical” problem between he and Jeff? Really?

Doesn’t Jeff really have the upper hand here? What Dr. Volger did was QUITE unethical: he sold Jeff/Martin’s private info to Ken, so that Ken could plot against him. In my (humble) opinion, Dr. Volger should quickly help Jeff out… in exchange for not being SUED.

#71. I feel like there could be a beat missing, before we get to here. How did Rebecca come to the realization that Ken was not her soulmate?

Comments on New Beats:

One thing I wondered about as I read through your Beat Sheet — could there be too many “*Talking Head” scenes? People standing or sitting, talking in offices, restaurants, homes etc. Possible to add some activities into these scenes? (*Since we were asked to keep the Beat Sheet descriptions to the bare minimum, there may already be activities that I’m not privy to at this stage. Please ignore me if I’m off base. :0)

And then I saw your Revised Beats — which I think are all good solutions — for the reasons you state — and they also help fix Talking Head Syndrome (if applicable).

New Scene #5. Mini golf is fun idea

28a. This revision also adds a nice layer of Subtext — ie the unsaid words from Rebecca: “Do I also need to get a Restraining order from you… while I’m here?

37. Quirky Librarian should provide opportunities for humor. Nice.

38. Love that the info is being provided in exchange for the guys doing chores. Very Funny.

[Pamela Rice]

You’re welcome!

I look forward to seeing more of your SPECIAL OPS SANTA posts as we go thru class.

Cheers,

Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, Janeen.

I think your SPECIAL OPS SANTA concept is a really fun idea for a story!

One thing that came to my mind as I read through your outline:
Can you weave in some more Christmas-y situations into the scenes, since the story takes place at that time of year?

For example, could there be a chase scene with gunfire, hand-to-hand combat, etc where elaborate neighborhood Christmas displays get trashed, or maybe even used somehow in a battle?

Or, perhaps Nick has a chance to share some tender moments with the First Parents while they are separated from their family — maybe they make homemade gifts that they bring to the final scene at the White House?

I’m just spitballing here. The above ideas may not work at all, but I hope my comments are helpful.

Best,

Pamela

[Pamela Rice]

50 FIRST DATES is a silly Adam Sandler Comedy, but still quite romantic in my opinion. The final scene always gives me chill-bumps.

What is your story’s genre, Drama?

Best,

Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Thanks, Bob! Good points for me to consider as I work on Lesson 3. Am struggling with the order of my First Act scenes.

Agreed — in my outline, Jared appears to pop out of nowhere.

[Pamela Rice]

Hi Robert,

I really love your story. It’s incredibly romantic!

One of my favorite movies is 50 FIRST DATES, where the Protagonist has to make a woman fall in love with him EACH time they meet. There’s something about your story that gives me that same warm feeling.

In reviewing your Structure Points, I actually like both versions. Tough to say which is better, but perhaps the 2nd is less “familiar.”

Looking forward to learning more about it as we go through class.

Best,

Pamela

[Pamela Rice]

I posted this to wrong spot initially, here it is again :0)

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Hi, Johnny.

Here are my thoughts on your Synopsis:

– Looks like a great 4-Quadrant story! And so many opportunities for family tension, plot twists, betrayals and character arcs.

– I have to admit that I know nothing about the Gaming World, or how cheating is possible. But I can see how that will add more layers to the story.

– Your synopsis reads well. The only thing that I’d like to see more of is the Comedy aspect. Your ending is inherently funny — the son having to take custody of the shady father — LOL! But since I have not read your script, I’m not sure where the other funny moments are.

Are your characters quirky, off-beat, or incongruent etc? If so, can you add in more character description (to hint at possible comedic situations)? Or, are there some funny “trailer moments” you’ve thought about that you could include in your synopsis?

That’s all I can think of for now. Great work!

Pamela

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, Johnny.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful feedback on my synopsis! You made my day.

You’re right — I did kind of gloss over some of the details towards the end. There is so much to unpack!

Basically, there are some law enforcement types who show up at Henri & Acadia’s Doggie Adoption Fair (site of the big showdown), in anticipation of violence. They take away said goons in handcuffs after Henri beans the main Bad Guy with a dog-biscuit-loaded Chuck-It.

— Maybe I just need to indicate that the police detectives are also in this scene, and ultimately make arrests.

I have some thoughts on your synopsis, I will type them up in the morning.

Best,

Pamela

[Pamela Rice]

Congrats on getting your draft completed, Dale! What is the title of your story?

Best of luck to you, Pam

[Pamela Rice]

Hi, Sandra.

Just wanted to say “Hello!” I just realized you were in my Thriller class that we just finished.

I look forward to learning more about your Hero Lucy’s Transformational Journey :0)

Best,

Pam