Susan Silver
Forum Replies Created
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Susan’s Character Death Track
What I learned doing this assignment is that the reasons behind characters’ deaths can be linked to their behavior in their lives, which enriches the plot so much!
Character Death 1: Perla
Why: She tries to rescue Mick and Wilhelmina from a trap. As the
oldest she feels responsible for allowing them to come to the Cold Dead
Place.How: She falls into the trap while prying Mick and Wilhelmina out.
Character Death 2: Gus
Why: Instead of searching for his little brother, Ralph, he hides,
pretending to search. He is punished for his cowardice.How: He crawls into a hiding place and gets electrocuted by yet
another trap.<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Character Death 3: Prisoner 1
Why: So the
characters can see the true nature of the monster.How: The group
tries to rescue him from torture apparatus but accidentally kills him.Character Death 4: Prisoner 2
Why: So the character can see their future if they are caught alive.
How: Is gassed after torture.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Character Death 5: Chuck
Why: He moves
too slow; paralyzed with fear.How: The
monster beats him to death.<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Character Death 6: Wilhelmina
Why: She is the
one who goaded them all to go there in the first place.How: Her foot
won’t stop bleeding.<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Character Death 7: Gerald
Why: He takes
responsibility for the food shortage that brought them to the Cold Dark
Place in the first place (even though it isn’t his fault).How: He fools the monster and
switches places with Ralph to save Ralph’s life–leaving Mick with lifelong guilt
for not doing it first. -
Susan’s Horror Situation Track
What I learned doing this assignment is that starting with a list of horror situations really helps to fill out the outline and see things from the characters’ points of view.
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established: Eight people are trapped in a dark room.
Horror Situation: The dark room moves and jostles, tipping the people so they are sliding across the floor. The ceiling is ripped off and the monster appears.
Reaction: One escapes by attacking the monster.
SUPERIMPOSE: TEN YEARS LATER
Connect with the characters: A colony is running out of food, but the leader-father forbids anyone from leaving the property. Later, the kids discuss different solutions, and Wilhelmina brings up the forbidden Cold Dead Place, goading Mick into proving his bravery.
Denial of Horror: Riled by Wilhelmina and Mick, the rest of them mock Gerald and head off. The two older sisters object, and reluctantly follow them, to ensure their safety.
Safety taken away: The group wanders into the Cold Dead Place, white shine everywhere, and uncovers a smorgasboard of food. They eat happily, and there’s enough food to bring back to the colony. As the group digests, Wilhelmina and Mick go to a dark recess for some romance.
Horror Situation: Laughing, Mick tackles her, and, as they roll around, they fall into a trap. They scream, and the two older sisters run to help.
Reaction: They are able to rescue them, though strips of flesh are left behind in the trap, and one loses a foot. But, while helping, one sister falls into the trap face-first and suffocates.
Monster: The nature of the beast. The monster has laid traps for them but is still unknown.
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted – The kids scream and run away. We gotta get out of here!
Horror Situation: But then Gerald screams that Ralph is missing, so they calm down and strategize how to find him. They are not leaving without him.
Reaction: They start searching and callin for Ralph, looking over their shoulders.
One of us killed – One doesn’t want to join the rescue group because he is too scared.
Horror Situation: Breaking away from the group, he crawls into a box to hide.
Reaction: An electric shock kills him instantly.
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
Full pursuit by the killer – The group is lost, looking frantically for Ralph.
Horror Situation: The enter a room where people are being tortured. They describe the monster.
Reaction: The group tries to rescue someone from the torture chamber but ends of killing him by accident.
Terrorized – The group realizes that their bodies are getting weaker. One of them starts twitching. Dark bruises form on their bodies. Is the monster killing them from within?
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death: They find the room where Ralph is held hostage and tortured.
Horror Situation: The group fights the monster.
Reaction: The monster beats some of them to death.
Hysteria – The group finds a death chamber that is used to kill people after they are tortured.
Horror Situation: The group retreats to figure out the next steps.
Reaction: Some of the group gives up and tries to go home.
The thrilling escape from death – Time is up for Ralph.
Horror Situation: The monster is bringing Ralph to the death chamber.
Reaction: The group is able to distract the monster enough so that Gerald takes Ralph’s place.
Death returns to take one or more. Gerald receives the respect from Mick (his older brother) that he has yearned for all his life.
Horror Situation: Ralph hesitates as the realization that Gerald just gave him his life sets in.
Reaction: The monster grabs at the chance and captures Ralph again.
Resolution – The monster’s child
enters the chamber, and the monster’s identity is revealed. -
Susan’s Horror Plot
What I learned doing this assignment is that I have to keep reminding myself that nothing is set in stone. I usually spend weeks, months, on outlines–not one day!
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established: During the family reunion, some of
the kids break away and talk together. Wilhelmina starts daring Michael
about going to a closed beach they’ve been forbidden to enter. <div>Connect with the characters: As they discuss the beach and hang out,
their characters come out.<div><div>
The characters are warned not to do it: Gerald warns the others that
he knew someone who went there and never returned.Denial of Horror: Riled by Wihelmina and Michael, the rest of them
mock Gerald and head off toward the beach.Safety taken away: As the group starts playing tag and enjoying
themselves, Gerald feels foolish and heads off on a walk by himself. Wihelmina
spots blackberry vines and leads Michael to them, eating away. Younger
brother Ralph tries to tag along, but Michael sends him back to the group.
Michael tackles her, and, as they roll around, they fall into a trap. Ralph,
who had been spying on them, sees this and runs to get Gerald. As Ralph
crosses the group….Monster: The nature of the beast. … he is swept up with the rest
of the kids by a net that covers the entire area, under the sand. The kids
are hanging, suspended above the beach, airlifted and moving fast out of
sight. Gerald runs to follow them and stumbles upon W and M, trapped and
unable to leave.ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted – Gerald sees where they are being
taken and runs back to rescue W and M. </div>One of us killed – One falls out of the net and smashes on the
rocks.<div>
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
Full pursuit by the killer – G, W, and M, determined to rescue their
younger brother, finds where they are taken and tries to figure out how to
rescue their family, while witnessing the torture inflicted on them. </div><div>Terrorized – They explore the entire dungeon, and find rooms where
other types of torture are going on, all by the same fuzzy masked men, who
try to capture them as well.ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death W fights with one of the monsters, and dies
bleeding to death. </div>Hysteria – Michael cannot breathe from terror and hides, watching from
afar.The thrilling escape from death – Gerald is able to rescue Ralph by
taking his place in the cellDeath returns to take one or more. Gerald succumbs to the torture
and dies.Resolution – Gerald receives the respect from Michael (his older
brother) that he has yearned for all his life.</div></div>
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Susan’s Characters for Horror
What I learned doing this assignment is how important the different roles of the characters are and how much it helps to understand their role before giving them life.
1. Group: Social Group: Family Reunion
2. Dying Pattern: They all get tortured, but the only ones who die are the ones who can’t withstand the torture–so gradual and sporadic, because the type of torture seems random.
3. Leader: After a slow, incompetent start, Jerry overcomes his self-doubt and out of necessity (because those he followed before fail or die) becomes the leader.
Innocent: Ralph, a much younger brother. Jerry and Chuck make up stories to tell him to soothe him in the cell.
Out of Control/Obnoxious/Love Interest: Wilhelmina, Mick’s girlfriend and Jerry’s love interest, who is always pushing the boys to prove they love her
Red Herring/Rebel/Rule Breaker/Carrier: Mick, who appears confident but crumbles when it counts. Having to prove himself is what gets them kidnapped
Complainer: Mick, Jerry, and Ralph’s mother, who needs more mothering than she offers.
Sacrificial Lamb: Chuck, the father, already in the role of sacrificing daily for his wife, in the end sacrifices his life for his family–and still his wife complains
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Susan’s Terrifying Monster
What I learned doing this assignment is that monsters have rules–what? I had never considered that before, but it makes perfect sense now.
1. I have several monsters who work together to experiment on their victims in a laboratory.
2. Their Terror: The monsters terrorize by experimenting on the prisoners, which they had kidnapped. They isolate the victims in separate jail cells while amputating limbs and force feeding them. They die when the monsters take the experiments too far. The victims can’t escape because they are jailed and drugged.
Their Mystery: The monsters speak among themselves in a language and pitch that is foreign to the prisoners. The prisoners must decode their language to figure out how to get out.
Their Fear Provoking Appearance: The monsters are gloved and masked so their real appearance is unknown to the victims.
Their Rules: The monsters replace one another with regularity, so it is unclear how many there are. They never look or acknowledge the victims, even when they are touching them with their experiments.
Their Mythology: They insist among each other that
they are good and are doing good. -
Subject line: US Horror Conventions <div>
What I learned doing this
assignment is that I need to keep clear exactly what I want to focus on. The reason
I’ve been hesitant to watch horror films is all the running around and physical
attacks, which bore me. But they can go so deep, and the reins on imagination are
completely set free.Title / Concept: Us/The Tethered rise up to attack the characters.
Terrorize The Characters: The Tethered appear looking just like the
characters, who don’t understand what they are or where they come fromIsolation: In a house far from neighbors
Death: Both the characters and the doppelgangers are being murdered.
Monster/Villain: The Tethered
High Tension: The Tethered are growing in number, trying to take
over the country.Departure from Reality: Two bodies share the same soul
Moral Statement: Your repressed emotions will not stay
under / your unrealized potential will turn against you / the repressed people
of the world will rise up against the privilegedThis film has such deep
personal, spiritual, and societal layers of symbolism that I could watch it numerous
times and discover new things. The twist at the end completely took me by
surprise! Jordan Peele is a genius.Concept: Victims going about their lives are being randomly captured
and kidnapped.Terrorize The Characters: The victims are held in prisons and undergo
bizarre tortures without understanding why.Isolation: The victims can talk to each other in voices the jailors
can’t understand, but they can’t see each other.Death: When some of the victims escape, they encounter rooms of
piled corpses with bizarre markings on their bodies and other rooms with
different types of torture, all incomprehensible.Monster/Villain: The villain is indistinguishable, speaking in a
foreign language, completely masked, and always surrounded by a hazy blur.High Tension: The victims argue among themselves (and at times turn
against themselves) as they try to figure out a way to escape.Departure from Reality: The victims develop super skills that, only if
they work together, they can use to escape.Moral Statement: The jailors speak among themselves
that all this is for the greater good, but the victims are not willing
participants.</div>
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Hello,
My name is Susan. I’ve written a drama script, a TV pilot about immigration, and an adaptation. I want to venture into the horror genre for the first time.
To prepare for this class, I watched horror films from Korea, Iran, England, Indonesia, Egypt, Spain, Japan, Kenya, Turkey, and Thailand.
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AGREE, in which case, you Reply to this topic and include three things at the top of the page:
Susan Silver
“I agree to the terms of this release form.”
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Susan Finds the Essence
What I learned is that brilliant scenes contain layer of depth and also reinforce the entire script’s thesis.
Script I choose: The Whale
Scene 1 Location: Page 3
Logline: Nearly dying from unsuccessful masturbating, Charlie asks a visiting missionary to read lines from an essay to him.
Essence: Charlie’s loneliness is magnified, with no one to share his love or his death with. He grasps for meaning in a mysterious essay about authors distracting us from sad lives.Scene 2 Location: Page 12
Logline: Using humor, Charlie deflects Liz’s joke about knifing him by saying that his internal organs are two feet in at least.
Essence: Charlie is laying it all out here: his obesity functions as a protective shield against the constant threatening pain of life.Scene 3 Location: Page 28
Logline: Charlie apologetically tells Liz about his recent encounter with his daughter, Ellie.
Essence: Even though Ellie is abusive, truly horrid, toward Charlie, he shows her nothing but generosity and compassion and concern. Liz’s interpretation is that Charlie’s seeming sainthood stems from his feelings of not being worthy of Ellie’s respect or forgiveness. Liz scoffs at Charlie’s “weakness” at the same time as she enables his death by filling his home with junk food.Scene 4 Location: Page 53
Logline: Liz explains to Thomas (the missionary) how Charlie’s partner died of self-imposed starvation because he was rejected from the New Life religion.
Essence: The writer uses religion and food (and later Ellie’s behavior) to show stark dichotomies of perception. Religion, food, and behavior stand alone; it is the character’s interpretation and use of them that creates our reality.Scene 5 Location: Page 90
Logline: Charlie is telling his writing students that nothing matters but honesty.
Essence: This entire script is brutal in its honesty, with characters talking without inhibition, hurting each other with their words and actions. Charlie is honest with how he views himself, but not how he views others. His insistence on seeing others as “amazing,” no matter how evil they are, makes him hate himself even more.My selection for most profound essence: (Post scene here without worrying
about formatting and then also post the essence and why you believe that is
the essence).CHARLIE I did. (pause) I’ve wanted to see you for so long, Ellie. I wanted to be a part of your life, I wanted to reach out. Pause. ELLIE stares down, not looking at him. ELLIE So why didn’t you? Pause. CHARLIE Look at me, Ellie, I don’t–. Who would want me to be a part of their life? Pause. ELLIE finally looks at him.
The essence here is to examine the damage from people making decisions based on their own presumptions rather than talking to the person involved, especially when those presumptions are coming from a place of dishonesty. I believe it is the essence because Ellie hates Charlie because he abandoned her, and he abandoned her because he assumed she would hate him. Charlie wanting to protect Ellie from himself actually is what turned her into an evil person, which he refuses to see. While Charlie, throughout the script, views honesty as the highest good, his dishonesty, mostly to himself via his refusal to see reality, including his own worth, causes the most damage.
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Susan Silver
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Hello,
My name is Susan. I’ve written a drama script, a TV pilot about immigration, and an adaptation. In this class I hope to become one of the top 1% writers of the world, of course!
I dream in subtitles.
Looking forward to working with you all!
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Susan’s Amazing 3rd Act
What I learned doing this assignment is that even the areas that I have revised so often before this class can still be improved, and it’s so much easier to see the weaker spots when following the steps shown here.
1. Acts I and II show Kari becoming psychologically immersed in an emotionally abusive relationship that slowly drains her life of everything meaningful. John’s jealousy and manipulation blindside her, forcing her to doubt her natural proclivity to trust, as he follows the usual trajectory of abuse and destroys her friendships, isolates her, and hurls accusations at her until her integrity and self-concept are shaken to the core. Whiplashed, she struggles to make sense of her world, as he alternately supports and negates her life dreams. With a shredded heart, she now needs to make a decision of survival: she can save either John or herself, but not both.
2. Act III (current structural beats):
Plot point 2: The metaphorical decision of survival turns vivid, as a wildfire looms toward her animal sanctuary and home, threatening her livelihood and then her life.
Crisis: She is given the opportunity to save her animals and herself but decides to stay with John and ensure that he is safe from the fire.
Climax: Blowout occurs between Kari and John. In a twist John leaves Kari stranded to die in the fire.
Resolution: Kari is saved, but barely. John is waiting for her in the hospital room as she regains consciousness.
Final Page: Kari faces the choice again: herself or John.
3. My climax could
use the most work. Now she rather blithely makes the choice to put herself at
risk of the wildfire (once her animals are saved) to stay with John until he
leaves. I think it should be more of a conscious decision, with Andy (who offers
her a ride to safety) being much more insistent and her being much more
resistant. I think it will show how deep John’s tentacles have reached into her
and how oblivious she is to her own safety when John is in the picture. I think
that it will also show that she is not naturally passive and follows everyone’s
orders, but that it is the prolonged emotional abuse that has done her in. -
Susan’s Most Memorable Line
What I learned doing this assignment is the more you can get inside your character’s head, the easier it is to come up with different lines. Also, clarifying the job the line should be doing is essential.
John comes out of the break room [of the retirement home], casually looks down the hall, and freezes when he sees Ruby and Kari together. He runs to them.
JOHN
Let’s head on back to your room, now, Ruby. You know you’re not supposed to be in this hall.
RUBY
Get your damn hands off me! I’m not supposed to be in this damn hall? I’m not supposed to be in this damn place! You stole my house. Some grandson you are! Traitor!
John smiles apologetically at Kari.
JOHN
Now, Ruby, do you need your special medication? You’re headed that way…
John forcefully turns Ruby around and escorts her down the hall. He looks back at Kari.
JOHN
(mouthing) Senile.
Kari looks confused, so John twirls his finger by his head, indicating “crazy” then points to Ruby.
RUBY
(defiance draining) Get me out of this life-trap. I’m no Bella. You’re just a … a monster!
JOHN
(harshly) That’s enough out of you!
They go down the hall and turn a corner, Ruby mumbling angrily but incoherently.
Kari still watching, motionless, stunned.
Rewrite John’s line: “That’s enough out of you!”
John desperately needs to shut Ruby up, because she will give his evil plan away to an unsuspecting Kari. So I think a threat would work the best here. Plus, I’ll add a little pinch because of that great feedback that said I’m too talky!
JOHN
(loudly, for Kari’s ears) Now, Ruby, you’ll feel better if you lie down a bit.
Then he hisses in Ruby’s ear as he pinches the underside of her arm.
JOHN
And I’ll feel
better if you never get back up. -
Susan loves separating character dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is, wow, did this process crack open my character’s heart and soul! Not only did it greatly improve the dialogue, but I actually merged into my character for a while!
Character Profile
John
Role in the story: Kari’s husband
Core Character Traits (no more than five)
– entitled
– arrogant
– selfish
– abusive
– controlling
Character Subtext Logline: He sees himself as a victim of these traits that he believes exists in everyone else, but not in him
OPTIONAL:
Flaw: He thinks control will bring him happiness
Want/Need: others catering to him to prove their love for him
Mission/Agenda: having people’s respect (respect in his mind means that he is always right, and any disagreement means disrespecting him)
World View: His needs are more important than anyone else’s
BEFORE: Oh no. Are you okay? That crazy dog should be neutered.
AFTER: Your dog is a menace! Go neuter that thing.
BEFORE: (points to a picture on the wall.) Can we get one of those fancy poodle cuts?
AFTER: (points to a picture of a fancy poodle cut on the wall.) Make her look like that one.
BEFORE: Grandma! How many times do I have to tell you to lock the front door? It’s dangerous!
AFTER: Either lock the door at night or get chopped up by axe murderers. Your choice.
BEFORE: Just back me up. You haven’t seen her in a while. She’s gotten worse. And she listens to you more than to me. You know I’ll be able to keep a better eye on her in the retirement home.
AFTER: Just back me up. You aren’t around enough to notice. I’m telling you, she’s worse. And you, Little Miss Favorite, have more sway over her than I do. Besides, once she’s in the Blue Hair Hilton, I can watch over her better.
BEFORE: Don’t think I’m done with you yet. I don’t give up that easily. I’m going to win you back. Just wait.
AFTER: Oh, I’m not done with you yet. You’ll be mine. Just wait.
BEFORE: While you were out there forgetting all about me—
AFTER: While you were out there making the rounds—
BEFORE: Why didn’t you answer?
AFTER: What are you, deaf?
BEFORE: I don’t want a flea infestation in my house.
AFTER: Get those nasty flea-infested mongrels out of my house!
BEFORE: Well, maybe if you treated me as well as you treated them…. But I don’t think we have the money to keep them. I mean, you’re the one who said we’re broke, so….
AFTER: Try being as nice to me as you are to them…. Too bad there’s no money to keep them. You’re the one always crying about how broke we are.
BEFORE: I don’t know why it’s your business.
AFTER: None of your damn business.
BEFORE: I don’t know how I’m supposed to talk to you when you’re in this state.
AFTER: I give up. It’s impossible to talk to you when you’re like this.
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Susan Dramatic Scene Transitions
What I learned from doing this assignment is that
when we change the transitions, we also change the scenes so that their intensity
matches our new exciting transition!Reveal/Shock Transition
Before:
INT. ANIMAL SHELTER
Camera pans on the animals in the now fully occupied animal shelter: a duck with a bandaged beak, a blue jay with a cast on its leg, the skunks milling around, the deer chewing cud, and the three feral cats, who now follow Kari. As she gets up to feed and check bandages, clean cages, etc., she recalls/imagines conversations with Bridget in her mind [. . .] The last animal she feeds is a turkey with its wing in a sling.
INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN
Thanksgiving food piled everywhere. Kitchen is a total mess. John walks in.
After:
INT. ANIMAL SHELTER
[. . .] The last animal she lovingly feeds is a turkey with its wing in a sling. She softly sings a lullaby as she fixes its sling.
KARI: Don’t worry, little one. Everything will be okay.
INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN
Thanksgiving food piled everywhere. Kitchen is a total mess. Kari opens the oven door to remove a pan with a turkey! John walks in.
JOHN
Well, I see the animal sanctuary finally has been put to good use.
KARI
It’s chickpeas and tofu.
JOHN
Yeah. I’m going out.
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Susan Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment is that if I did this process with every scene, I’d have to imagine 1,188 new scenes! But, as time-consuming as it is, it really opens the door to elevating our scripts.
1. EXT. OUTSIDE OF RUBY’S HOME – MORNING
Moving van, half unpacked. John pulls into driveway. Sister appears from front door.
SISTER
I don’t know how you did it! But thank you! I just wish Todd could know how you are taking care of your little sister with him gone.
She takes a box from the van and thrusts it in John’s hands.
SISTER
And now you’re even here to help me move. You’re the best!
JOHN
But. But (squandering) are you sure you’ll be safe here? Out here all alone…
Sister waves him around.
JOHN
I actually heard that not far from here there was a break-in. Are you sure….
But Sister is already in the house, and the door slams shut behind her. The child walks out and takes the box from John, without even looking at him.
Components of the scene:
A. John arrives at the house
B. Sister has already half-moved in
C. John loses but can’t show his anger to Sister
and what I am trying to accomplish:
A. Sister beats John in taking over their grandmother’s house
B. The cold relationship between John and Sister
C. John’s frustration in this new glitch of his masterplan
Mislead and reveal: The door to the house is open, and he goes in and notices several new cardboard boxes by the door. He opens one and it holds his grandmother’s ceramic Hummel knickknacks. He finds more and more boxes, filled with silverware and fancy China. His sister comes in and stops suddenly. John accuses her of sneaking in to steal their grandmother’s valuables. He slams down a box so hard that we hear a dish break. “She’s still alive, you know.” “I know, I’m bringing them to her,” the sister tells him. “I don’t believe that for a moment,” John says. “I’ll bring them myself.” He takes the boxes to his car, which we see (but his sister doesn’t) is filled with his belongings. As he leaves down the long driveway, he passes a moving van filled with his sister’s belongings.
Irony: John shows up at the house. His car is packed with all his belongings. He goes inside the house. His sister comes from the back of the house. “I haven’t thanked you properly for this,” she tells John. “It’s been so hard since Todd died. Trying to raise a child (like that one) [she motions to her son] all by myself. Honestly, I haven’t told anyone, but I was this close to getting evicted. But you saved the day. And, look, you’re even here to help me move in. You are so sweet.” John makes up an excuse and quickly runs out the door to drive away so she doesn’t see that he has brought all his belongings to move in himself. He hadn’t even considered the possibility that she wanted to move in.
Competitive Agendas: John pulls up the driveway in his car, full of his belongings, to see an almost-empty moving van and several rough-looking guys moving boxes inside. He jumps out of the car and runs inside, screaming for his sister. She’s motions to the guys (her friends who are helping her move) to come nearer to her and answers John. They argue about who has the right to live in the house now. Because all of her friends are there, John backs down but mutters, “this isn’t over,” to himself before he tears down the driveway.
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Susan Meaningful Action
What I learned doing this assignment it that delving into the meaning so intensely made me reconsider some aspects of my structure again!
In the “before” scene, I Brian remained a supporting character to Kari. But the point of the scene was just to keep him active in the viewer’s mind and to give her leftover food as an excuse to go see Jack–both of which could be accomplished in a better way.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET WITH CAFES
Kari and Brian are walking down the street. Kari is pushing her bike.
BRIAN
How about this one? We can sit outside. Soak in some rays.
KARI
(hesitates) It’s a little chilly, isn’t it? Can we eat inside?
BRIAN
(suspicious) He’s working right now, isn’t he?
KARI
Just stop. I need a break from the bullshit, not more of it.
BRIAN
(hand on her shoulder) You’re right. I’m sorry. How much of a break do you want? I think a bar is around the corner.
KARI
Now that is what I need!
BRIAN
Right next to your favorite Thai place. See, I think of everything!
Kari gives Brian a spontaneous hug and they go down the street, turning the corner at the end.
In the “after” scene, I more deeply understood that Brian’s role at this point in the story would not be supportive any more. He ends their friendship, which improves not only this scene but the entire script, as it sends Kari into a spiral of desperation. I changed the scene from a boring restaurant to a calligraphy class.
INT. CONTINUING EDUCATION CLASSROOM – NIGHT
Kari enters the classroom where Brian and about fifteen other students are sitting. She playfully taps Brian’s shoulder and then sits down beside him on the other side. He looks over at her with a forced smile and opens his book.
KARI
(signing) What’s the lesson for today?
Brian shrugs, opens his book, then points to a page that reads, “Textura.”
KARI
Are you okay? (beat) Hey, I have some news for you. I think this is going to be my last class.
Brian slams his book closed and turns to face Kari.
BRIAN
What?!
KARI
Yeah, I just don’t have the–
BRIAN
It’s him, isn’t it? He’s making your quit? Kari, what is wrong with you?
KARI
No, it’s not him. I just want to focus on other things right now.
BRIAN
(under his breath) You’re so full of it.
KARI
But you keep going. You’re so good at this.
BRIAN
I just took this class cause you told me to.
Brian turns away and starts writing with his calligraphy pen. He puts the piece of paper on Kari’s desk. He gathers his things and leaves. Kari looks down at the page and, in beautiful letters, it reads, “Don’t ever call me again.” She stares straight ahead, stunned. The teacher arrives.
TEACHER
Open your books to page 112 please. Today we’re going to learn…
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Susan Elevated Story Beats
What I’ve learned during this assignment is that figuring out the purpose behind each scene is so beneficial! It makes me see weak links that I had just glossed over before.
3. INT. VET OFFICE WAITING ROOM – LATE AFTERNOON
Purpose: introducing John and having him meet Kari (and fall for her).
Before: John sees Kari for the first time while picking up Bridget’s (his girlfriend) poodle. Working as a veterinarian, she appears in her office, saying good-bye to a customer. John is in the waiting room, and instantly falls for her.
After: It is Halloween, and many of the people in the waiting room are in costumes. A cantankerous parrot says something offensive, which causes a heated argument among the owners sitting in the waiting room, with John responding aggressively. Their respective dogs, sparked by their anger, start fighting! Kari runs out and breaks up the fight between the dogs, getting bitten in the process. The people applaud. John plays the victim to gain Kari’s sympathy, but also insults her for getting bitten. Kari makes amends with all by distributing dog and people treats and gently scolding the foul-mouthed parrot.
45. INT. VET OFFICE – MORNING
Before: John convinces her to give him another try and says he has a surprise for her.
He gives her instructions for a treasure hunt for her to find the animal sanctuary he has built for her. He is waiting for her in the animal sanctuary in a bear costume and proposes to her. She accepts.
After: A year later and it is Halloween again. John brings Kari to her animal sanctuary, where a minister there to perform the wedding. That would show John’s arrogance in assuming she’d say yes and also his skills of manipulation, as he is taking advantage of her delight as he just made her life dream of an animal sanctuary come true. It is Halloween, and he has made the sanctuary into a haunted house (Halloween is Kari’s favorite holiday.)
99. (E9) INT. FUNERAL HOME – AFTERNOON
Purpose: For Ruby to die and for Sis to wake up about her brother, John.
Before: Jack is seen running around with a clipboard, managing the ceremony. He disappears in a back room while talking to funeral director. Kari sits with Sister and Kid in the bench. Jack takes the podium and clears his throat. (During his speech we see the funeral procession and then the lowering of the coffin into the ground. As the coffin lowers, we see Jack, Kari, Sister, and Kid, with various friends, standing around, watching. Gerald sobs unconsolably.
After: Ruby dies in the nursing home. John’s sister sees Kari’s wedding ring (which John had stolen from her). Later the sister would go to Ruby’s home and see the stuffed animal that John had stolen from her kid, and would realize, in front of Kari, that John had staged the break-in to get Ruby’s house and so be able to give Kari her animal sanctuary.
103. (E4) INT. HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Purpose: for Kari to realize that John’s vulnerable side is just an act too
Before: John is lying on the couch, adamantly texting on his phone with his sister, who wants to sell the house. John curses at her while writing loving texts to stay on her good side. He shows his texts to Kari.
After: Sis storms into the house to confront Kari, thinking that Kari stole it. As she looks for her throughout the house, John follows, speaking sweetly to Sis. Kari enters the room, but he grabs her, takes her into another room, and says terrible things about Sis. Then he goes back and sweettalks Sis, saying terrible things about Kari. Kari hears all this two-faced switching. Sis, calmed down and believing John’s excuse that he bought it at a pawn shop the thief must have used (because that’s all that Kari deserved), starts to leave, when she notices her kid’s stuffed animal. She realizes that John is the one who broke into the house. They are in the middle of a terrible fight, when the cell phone alarms for the approaching wildfire.
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Susan Character Intros
What I learned from this assignment is that this exercise made me delve even deeper into the depths of the characters.
Kari
Beginning: Goes on wild romantic splurge with Jack
Middle: Settles down with John, but is in an abusive relationship
End: Finds herself and leaves all the unhealthy men in her life
1. Kari meets Jack while in a distant, unfulfilling relationship.
2. She breaks up with her boyfriend and is with Jack until he proposes.
3. She returns to her boyfriend and marries him.
4. The relationship turns abusive
5. She meets JJ, who fulfills her emotional needs but overwhelms her.
6. She meets Bridget, who opens her eyes about her marriage.
7. She gathers the strength to leave the unhealthy men in her life.
I currently have a rather lame introduction for Kari. Working as a veterinarian, she appears in her office, saying good-bye to a customer. John is in the waiting room, and reacts to her, but she herself doesn’t do much. Instead, a fight between pets (two dogs?) could erupt in the waiting room, and she plunges into the fight with no care for her own safety. Even better, the fight could begin between two customers (there is a foul-mouthed parrot and children in the waiting room), and the dogs could be sparked through their owner’s anger.
She could be bitten in the fight, but brush off any attempts to help her, which would illustrate her strength and independence (which is whittled away throughout the script). This would be more exciting and show her main flaw/challenge: of depriving herself in the interest of others. I could also have the waiting customers speak highly of her just before the dog fight breaks out.
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John
Beginning: Neglects Kari until he loses her
Middle: Through devious means secures an animal sanctuary for Kari and wins her back
End: Once he’s achieved his prize, he neglects/abuses her again and loses her
1. John takes his girlfriend’s dog for a haircut and lightly poisons her that night.
2. John launches into his plan to steal his grandmother’s house and put her in a nursing home.
3. John builds an animal sanctuary by his grandmother’s house to win back Kari.
4. John’s control over Kari grows.
5. Kari confronts John about the dog and his grandmother.
6. John accuses Kari of cheating (rather than admit his wrongdoing) and leaves her in a wildfire.
Currently, John’s second scene is more engaging than his introduction. I have him seeing Kari at the vet’s office and falling for her. He then (for reasons that will be clear later) picks up his girlfriend’s dog and takes it to the groomer. Instead, he could easily be the perpetrator of the fight that Kari breaks up. This would demonstrate his primary bully tendencies, and I could have the people in the waiting room reacting to him. I would need to frame the fight so that he could interpret it as victimizing him, and that could gain Kari’s sympathy. This would be a much more dramatic way for them to meet too and could pave the way for some future conversations with them.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that it is amazing to see the story from other character’s points of view. Separating out their story lines helps to gain clarity for the bigger picture. This was a great lesson!
Susan’s Character Story Beats (Day 5)
Kari
1. Character Profile
Role in the story: Lead character
Core Character Traits (no more than five)
– feels worthy only when she helps others
– compassionate
– denial
– codependent
– trusting
Character Subtext Logline: By treating others well she mistreats herself.
Flaw: rose-colored glasses
Want/Need: to be needed (her definition of being loved)
Mission/Agenda: to save her marriage
Character Arc (if any): complete neglect of self to attainment of self-worth
World View: everyone is good
Life Metaphor/Identity: gives away her own identity
Secret: abusive relationship
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: codependency
What makes this character unique? She doesn’t think evil exists in the world, just people demonstrating their own hurt.
2.
Beginning: Goes on wild romantic splurge with Jack
Middle: Settles down with John, but is in an abusive relationship
End: Finds herself and leaves all the unhealthy men in her life
3.
1. Kari meets Jack while in a distant, unfulfilling relationship.
2. She breaks up with her boyfriend and is with Jack until he proposes.
3. She returns to her boyfriend and marries him.
4. The relationship turns abusive
5. She meets JJ, who fulfills her emotional needs but overwhelms her.
6. She meets Bridget, who opens her eyes about her marriage.
7. She gathers the strength to leave the unhealthy men in her life.
4. I’ve already changed this story so many times that I’m not sure I know what else to do to improve it.
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2. John
Role in the story: Kari’s husband
Core Character Traits (no more than five)
– entitled
– arrogant
– selfish
– abusive
– controlling
Character Subtext Logline: He sees himself as a victim of these traits that he believes exists in everyone else, but not him
OPTIONAL:
Flaw: He thinks control will bring him happiness
Want/Need: others catering to him to prove their love for him
Mission/Agenda: having people’s respect (respect in his mind means that he is always right and any disagreement means disrespecting him)
World View: His needs are more important than anyone else’s
2.
Beginning: Neglects Kari until he loses her
Middle: Through devious means secures an animal sanctuary for Kari and wins her back
End: Once he’s achieved his prize, he neglects/abuses her again and loses her
3.
1. John takes his girlfriend’s dog for a haircut and lightly poisons her that night.
2. John launches into his plan to steal his grandmother’s house and put her in a nursing home.
3. John builds an animal sanctuary by his grandmother’s house to win back Kari.
4. John’s control over Kari grows.
5. Kari confronts John about the dog and his grandmother.
6. John accuses Kari of cheating (rather than admit his wrongdoing) and leaves her in a wildfire.
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3. Jack
Role in the story: Lead character’s love interest
Core Character Traits (no more than five)
– romantic
– charismatic
– handsome
– superficial
– energetic
Character Subtext Logline: He is able to mold himself in the eyes of others to get what he wants from them.
Flaw: empty inside, all is for show
Want/Need: hungry for attention
Mission/Agenda: to be praised
World View: he is a gift to the world
Secret: All this attention doesn’t fill the hole in his soul
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: completely withdraws after rejection because his self-image completely rests on others’ reactions to him.
2.
Beginning: Jack charms Kari into dating him
Middle: Jack prematurely proposes to her and is humiliated
End: Jack tries to have an affair with her when she is married to John
3.
1. After meeting her at the vet’s office, Jack surprises her at the airport.
2. He convinces her to break up with her boyfriend and date him.
3. Jack is shown working at the nursing home.
4. Jack proposes to Kari in front of all his coworkers, and she rejects him.
5. Jack disappears, only to return when Kari is married: it is a game of conquering her
6. She is so starved for attention that she relents to a fun outing with him
I see now that Jack fizzles out without a complete ending. I should make it clearer in the script that he doesn’t really want Kari; he just wants the challenge of winning her over. Perhaps he pursues here to ruin her marriage because she publicly rejected him. I think they should have a one-night stand and then he should leave her after creating havoc in her married life. He achieved his goal of claiming dominancy over her. She would be so starved for attention at this time, that she would consent, also thinking that maybe she should have stayed with Jack.
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4. JJ
Role in the story: Soul mate to lead character
Core Character Traits (no more than five)
– vulnerable
– gentle
– devastated by life
– sweet
– deep waters
Character Subtext Logline: Though he plays the victim, he mistrusts kindness, which completely closes himself off from others.
Flaw: terrorized by his past
Want/Need: a mother
Mission/Agenda: to spread his pain
World View: Life is only pain
2.
Beginning: JJ is bitten by a snake, and Kari helps him.
Middle: JJ enmeshes Kari emotionally
End: JJ becomes despondent with the death of Ruby
3.
1. JJ is bitten by a snake, and Kari helps him.
2. JJ calls Kari and asks her to pick him up after he is assaulted at a bar.
3. JJ brings Kari feral kittens and tells her of his childhood.
4. JJ totals his car and Kari takes him to the hospital; she offers to loan him money.
5. JJ mourns the loss of Ruby
I don’t have a clear ending for JJ either! I think he should end the relationship either by asking too much of Kari and then disappearing when she declines for the first time, or telling her that he needs to stay away to become more independent. He could also express appreciation to Ruby, saying that she is the only one who was ever there for him (thus erasing all of Kari’s sacrifice to him.)
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5. Bridget
Role in the story: Lead character’s friend/savior
Core Character Traits (no more than five)
– down to earth
– bossy know-it-all
– humorous
– bully in that people should follow her advice because she knows best
– hurtfully honest under the guise of being helpful
Character Subtext Logline: she needs to validate her own experience by helping others out of abusive relationships
Flaw: still holds resentment and anger
Want/Need: revenge against her ex (Kari’s current boyfriend)
Mission/Agenda: to wake up Kari
World View: Romantic relationships aren’t worth it; everyone should be out for themselves
2.
Beginning: Bridget lives with John while he is secretly dating Kari.
Middle: Kari brings Bridget her dog.
End: Bridget is instrumental in opening Kari’s eyes to the dangers of living with John.
3.
1. Bridget comes home only to find an angry John trashing her apartment.
2. Bridget sees her dog (which had gone missing) with John and Kari downtown.
3. Kari returns her dog to her at her apartment
4. Kari and Bridget have several conversations about abusive people, but Bridget tries to strong-arm Kari into leaving John before she is ready.
I also didn’t have a satisfactory ending for Bridget. Though she is earnest in trying to help Kari, she insists the Kari leave John before she is ready. I want to change it to her demanding that Kari move in with her, and then she gets offended when Kari declines. She ends by saying something like, “I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself.” This will help to emphasize the loneliness that abused women feel, even when they are readying themselves to leave the abuser. Before Bridget was just blanket support for Kari, but this change honors reality more.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that examining these characters under such a bright light makes them come even more alive to me.
Susan’s Character Profiles
Triplicity: Barely surviving a brutal wildfire that consumes her life’s dream, a tortured veterinarian must overthrow the emotional yoke of three men’s wounded psyches to save herself from their wreckage.
1. Kari
REQUIRED:
Role in the story: Lead character
Core Character Traits (no more than five)
– innocent
– compassionate
– denial
– loving
– trusting
Character Subtext Logline: By treating others well she mistreats herself.
OPTIONAL:
Flaw: rose-colored glasses
Want/Need: to be needed
Mission/Agenda: to save her marriage
Character Arc (if any): complete neglect of self to attainment of self-worth
World View: everyone is good
Life Metaphor/Identity: gives away her own identity
Secret: abusive relationship
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: codependency
What makes this character unique? She doesn’t think evil exists in the world, just people demonstrating their own hurt.
I changed hurting as a character trait to denial. She isn’t hurting on a constant level because she is essentially a joyful person. Her hurt stems from shock and denial that someone who proclaims to love her can consistently mistreat her.
2. John
REQUIRED:
Role in the story: Kari’s husband
Core Character Traits (no more than five)
– entitled
– arrogant
– selfish
– abusive
– controlling
Character Subtext Logline: He sees himself as a victim of these traits that he believes exists in everyone else, but not him
OPTIONAL:
Flaw: He thinks control will bring him happiness
Want/Need: others catering to him to prove their love for him
Mission/Agenda: having people’s respect
World View: His needs are more important than anyone else’s
I changed his mission/agenda from being viewed as a king to having people respect him, where respect in his mind means that he is always right and any disagreement means disrespecting him.
3. Jack
REQUIRED:
Role in the story: Lead character’s love interest
Core Character Traits (no more than five)
– romantic
– charismatic
– handsome
– superficial
– energetic
Character Subtext Logline: He is able to mold himself in the eyes of others to get what he wants from them.
OPTIONAL:
Flaw: empty inside, all is for show
Want/Need: hungry for attention
Mission/Agenda: to be praised
World View: he is a gift to the world
Secret: All this attention doesn’t fill the hole in his soul
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: he thinks rejection is the worst thing in the world
I changed him not knowing how to deal with rejection to him responding wildly and completely withdrawing after rejection because his self-image completely rests on others’ reactions to him.
4. JJ
REQUIRED:
Role in the story: Soul mate to lead character
Core Character Traits (no more than five)
– vulnerable
– gentle
– devastated by life
– sweet
– deep waters
Character Subtext Logline: Though he plays the victim, he mistrusts kindness, which completely closes himself off from others.
OPTIONAL:
Flaw: terrorized by his past
Want/Need: a mother
Mission/Agenda: to spread his pain
World View: Life is only pain
I changed his logline from him being so damaged that he can’t recognize kindness to him violently mistrusting kindness. This will sharpen his reactions to kindness in the story.
5. Bridget
REQUIRED:
Role in the story: Lead character’s friend/savior
Core Character Traits (no more than five)
– down to earth
– friendly
– humorous
– helpful
– honest
Character Subtext Logline: she needs to validate her own experience by helping others out of abusive relationships
OPTIONAL:
Flaw: still holds resentment and anger
Want/Need: revenge against her ex (Kari’s current boyfriend)
Mission/Agenda: to wake up Kari
World View: Romantic relationships aren’t worth it
I changed her world view that romantic relationships aren’t worth it, to a healthy recognition that some romantic relationships aren’t worth it, but not all, and now she has the wisdom to tell the difference.
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Susan’s concept and basic structure!
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that breaking down the script into these components makes it much easier to think about as a whole.
Triplicity logline: Barely surviving a brutal wildfire that consumes her life’s dream, a semi-conscious veterinarian must overthrow the emotional yoke of three men’s wounded psyches to save herself from their wreckage.
Main Conflict: Kari is enmeshed in an abusive relationship and must realize various patterns before she is able to save herself from it.
1. Opening: Andy saves Kari from a raging wildfire and brings her to the hospital, where she is intubated and loses consciousness. Over Kari’s body, Andy confronts Kari’s husband for abandoning her to die in the fire.
2. Inciting Incident: Jack charms his way into Kari’s life by feeding his dog aloe (which makes dogs vomit) so he has an excuse to make an appointment at her veterinarian’s office.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Kari must untangle herself from dangerous web three men have spun to entrap her.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Kari breaks up with current boyfriend and focuses on the whirlwind romance with Jack, a seeming Prince Charming. Also meets a second love interest: JJ, a man who tugs at Kari’s heartstrings with his vulnerability (the men represent the three stages of the Cycle of Abuse).
5. Mid-Point: After a series of romantic escapades, Jack proposes way too soon (along with other red flags), and a spooked Kari turns back to her safe previous boyfriend, John.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: John, after a series of immoral acts unbeknownst to Kari, wins her back. For example, he gets land for her dream of running an animal sanctuary by immorally obtaining guardianship from his grandmother and committing her to a retirement home and stages a burglary to chase his sister and her son from the property.
7. Crisis: Kari discovers all the immoral things John had done to win her back. She learns how he got the house and that the engagement ring he gave her was stolen from his sister during the fake break-in. Jack and JJ arrive back on the scene, confusing her further. JJ has a car accident, which demands her immediate attention.
8. Climax: After escalating emotional abuse, she slowly makes the decision to shut all three men out of her life. But she is too late, and John leaves her stranded to die in the wildfire after a massive fight.
9. Resolution: Kari recovers from her hospital stay with the strength to leave them all, but with compassion and self-love: surprise ending.
I selected the Inciting Incident to elevate. The main purpose is to show how charming Jack can be while hiding his deviousness from Kari. At this point he must succeed in making her fall so deeply in love with him that he’s all she can think about. The change better reflects how even his “good deeds” are self-serving and deceitful.
Main Conflict: Kari is enmeshed in an abusive relationship and must realize various patterns before she is able to save herself from it.
1. Opening: Andy saves Kari from a raging wildfire and brings her to the hospital, where she is intubated and loses consciousness. Over Kari’s body, Andy confronts Kari’s husband for abandoning her to die in the fire.
2. Inciting Incident: Jack charms his way into Kari’s life taking his girlfriend’s bedraggled poodle, giving it a haircut to disguise it as a new dog (so his girlfriend will think he did her a favor and Kari, the vet, will think he has a well-groomed, well-cared-for dog). He then performs a magic trick using the dog to woo Kari.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Kari must untangle herself from dangerous web three men have spun to entrap her.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Kari breaks up with current boyfriend and focuses on the whirlwind romance with Jack, a seeming Prince Charming. Also meets a second love interest: JJ, a man who tugs at Kari’s heartstrings with his vulnerability (the men represent the three stages of the Cycle of Abuse).
5. Mid-Point: After a series of romantic escapades, Jack proposes way too soon (along with other red flags), and a spooked Kari turns back to her safe previous boyfriend, John.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: John, after a series of immoral acts unbeknownst to Kari, wins her back. For example, he gets land for her dream of running an animal sanctuary by immorally obtaining guardianship from his grandmother and committing her to a retirement home and stages a burglary to chase his sister and her son from the property.
7. Crisis: Kari discovers all the immoral things John had done to win her back. She learns how he got the house and that the engagement ring he gave her was stolen from his sister during the fake break-in. Jack and JJ arrive back on the scene, confusing her further. JJ has a car accident, which demands her immediate attention.
8. Climax: After escalating emotional abuse, she slowly makes the decision to shut all three men out of her life. But she is too late, and John leaves her stranded to die in the wildfire after a massive fight.
9. Resolution: Kari recovers from her hospital
stay with the strength to leave them all, but with compassion and self-love:
surprise ending. -
Hi, I think I posted my request for Judith Watson on the wrong page! I’d still like to work with you, if you’re available. Or anyone else dealing with family relations gone bad?
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Susan’s Logline and One Page!
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is to reacquaint myself with the core instead of running around the curlicues.
Title: Triplicity
Logline: Barely surviving a brutal wildfire that consumes her life’s dream, a semi-conscious veterinarian must overthrow the emotional yoke of three men’s wounded psyches to save herself from their wreckage.
Overview: The question is not “Why doesn’t she leave?” but “WTF is up with that guy?!” Instead of the usual cowering, weak woman ducking the blows of her vicious significant other, this film unveils the spidery fugue of domestic abuse. Abandoned by her husband to burn in a surging wildfire ripping through their home, our protagonist, Carrie, slowly recovers, semi-conscious, in a hospital bed. Multiple visitors spark her memories, as she slowly builds her past and clearly sees reality for the first time.
A successful, moderately content veterinarian before the fire, she is determined to both follow her dream of opening an animal sanctuary and end a tepid long-term relationship that has gone nowhere for too long. Her longing for passion steers her into the flattering arms of a seeming Prince Charming, where the romantic rollercoaster begins, burning brightly before it inevitably quenches itself with an overzealous proposal.
Meanwhile, in a grab to recapture her affections, the threatened ex-boyfriend steps up. Outwardly, he helps her fulfill her dream, hiding from her the devious means he uses to grab his family’s land for her dream animal sanctuary by committing his grandmother to a home and faking a burglary to scare his sister away. Ultimately, his evil undercurrent arises with her as well, but not before she has fallen into his trap and merged her life with his.
Discontent despite realizing her professional dream and forlorn in her marriage, she consoles herself with a third love interest, who, under the guise of gentle humility, wrings from her the last of her energy and compassion with constant childlike neediness and demands for attention. Her life is not her own, as the three men (representing the three stages of psychology’s Cycle of Abuse) and their aching burdens overwhelm her and shut her down.
In the hospital bed, recovering from the burns and suffocation, both inside and out, she realizes the surprising link between the three men and can finally unravel her life and return to herself.
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Susan Silver
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Hello, all!
My name is Susan Silver, and I’m in Eugene, Oregon (but moving soon to Tampa). I’ve tried my hand at a TV pilot and outlined the first season of a show about immigration, along with excerpts of about a dozen scripts! The project I’m bringing to this class is my very first completed film script, and I’m excited to whip it into the best possible shape. I’ve taken multiple ScreenwritingU courses, and I’m always impressed by the insights and knowledge they offer. In this class I also hope to bond with and learn from other dedicated writers. Something unique? In my wild youth, I used to race with my pet goats at festivals and once won first prize (a wreath, which the goat promptly ate).
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Hi Deborah,
I’m behind in the class, but I wonder if you’d like to exchange emails to exchange scripts later on? If so, my email is susanjsilver@yahoo.com. 🙂
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Hello Sunil,
I’ve fallen behind in the classes, but I wanted to see if maybe you would like to exchange scripts in the future? I had been following your idea, and I really love it! I’m not sure how to reach people after the class is over, but if you are interested in keeping in touch, my email is susanjsilver@yahoo.com. I hope to hear from you!
Best,
Susan
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Hi Deborah,
I think you give the newer horror films a run for their money! Being eaten alive by insects, a hickey-mockery throat tear (love it!), boiling oil, and immolation! Yikes! This class is giving me nightmares!
-Susan
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Hi Jeremy,
I’m not sure how else to reach you, but I wonder if you would perhaps be open to a conversation on horror scripts? I had to postpone Creative Mastery (that’s why my comments stopped), but I’m taking the horror class next month. If you’d like to maybe swap completed scripts for some more general feedback, that would be cool. You can reach me at susanjsilver@yahoo.com. Thanks!
Susan
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Hi Leah,
From what I can tell from your posts, the essence and message of our current scripts are similar. I wonder if you might like to chat about them? If so, you can reach me at susanjsilver@yahoo.com. 🙂
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EMILY
Something….for something. Even if we don’t…We’re not supposed to critique the rest of the scene, but I just need to say, I LOVE it! The carousel idea is brilliant–so lively visually, and it brings together so much for the characters as well as bringing their childhood to life. Plus, much like clowns, there’s just a tinge of creepy thrown in too. I really love it. (And, ha! Rachel struggling to get off the horse says so much about her!) About the line “something….for something,” it’s definitely catchy, but I’m not sure the meaning is conveyed. What is Emily referring to? If she allows Rachel to decide when she calls her mom, then Rachel must do something for her? And then Rachel is promising without knowing exactly what it is? (That would make sense, though, as Rachel will say anything at this point to fool Emily.) Would the audience know at this point what Emily’s “something” will be? The line might hold more weight if we had more info when it was delivered.
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1.BEFORE
Waiting for final papers. No use getting Katie’s hopes up if something might happen. They might think we’re unfit.
AFTER
Waiting for final papers. Just a matter of time now. Can’t wait to surprise Katie.
—This is a great change! “Can’t wait to surprise Katie” really shows how hopeful she is!
2.BEFORE
I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. It’s gone now.
AFTER
I’m fine. I’ve got work to do.
—I see her ambition in this line. Plus, the change is more assertive, with a hint of stubbornness left in “I’m fine.”
3.BEFORE
Great. Almost sold all twenty of my paintings.
AFTER
Almost sold all twenty of my paintings. On to the next show.
—I see ambition and her creative side (being able to create almost twenty sellable paintings).
4.BEFORE
I love the quietness. Get a lot of painting done.
AFTER
I love the quietness. Helps me get into the flow of my work. It’s great having you here.
—The “flow” is something all of us creative people can relate to!
5.BEFORE
Beautiful.
AFTER
Beautiful. I like the way to set the flowers a little off center. Gives it character.
—This one also shows her creative/artistic side.
6.BEFORE
Thanks for your help. Tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it.
AFTER
Thanks for your help. Tomorrow? I’m looking forward to it.
—And people say punctuation isn’t important! 🙂
7.BEFORE
Paintings I am replacing. The art gallery burned down last night.
AFTER
Paintings I am replacing. The art gallery burned down last night. My customers come first.
—I’m not sure about this change. It seems like the business side of her gallery trumps that art side, which might be out of character.
8.BEFORE
That’s all that is left.
AFTER
That’s all that is left, but it’s not gonna stop me.
—Nailed her stubbornness here!
9.BEFORE
Which project is that? I saw you holding hands.
AFTER
Which project is that? Hand holding!
—It amazes me how the slightest change can affect our emotions so deeply. I got a totally different feeling from the “after” line here.
10.BEFORE
Please go. I want to be alone.
AFTER
Go. I want to be alone.
–Definitely more assertive here. I wouldn’t mess with her!
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RACHEL
Gotta go home soon.
Emily cleans her hands. She looks at Rachel. Studying her.
Rachel reaches into her purse. Emily moves back.I like this. We assume that she’s reaching for a weapon!
Rachel pulls out a piece of paper as an envelope falls to the ground.
RACHEL
I read it. I’m so sorry I caused all that hurt all these years sending these letters back.
Rachel rips up the letter. She picks up the envelope and tears it up. The pieces flutter to the floor.
Emily stares, breathing heavily.
Rachel steps on them and crushes them into the ground.
A sense of relief comes over Emily. She softens. Rushes over to Rachel and gives her a big hug.I’m not sure I’m following here. This is the return-to-sender letter, right? Wouldn’t she need to explain how she got it? And wouldn’t ripping it up be the ultimate insult to Emily? It seems like she is violently rejecting Emily’s attempts to contact her over the years. And I just think it’s a little out of place that she would rush for a hug after so many years of rejection.
Rachel is taken aback, but reciprocates. After a long while, the women release their embrace. Emily smiles at Rachel.
EMILY
Under one condition. Either way it turns out, I will be able to have contact with mom. When I call the nursing home, I will get to talk with her and I will be able to see her.Does Emily know that Rachel is the reason she can’t see or talk to her own mother? Why wouldn’t she have tried harder to see her mom before? I don’t know if a nursing home wouldn’t allow daughters to visit their mothers. Also, it’s not readily apparent what they are discussing at this point, though it’s clarified with the next line.
RACHEL
Not until we give our relationship a try. We keep mom out of it until the final decision.EMILY
Two weeks…This makes Emily look really weak. Is that your intention? I’m just imagining that if my estranged sister prevented me from seeing my mother in any way…. well, I would be the one killing. 🙂 Also, Emily seems strong enough to steal Rachel’s art (or did she?) and yell at the movers and ignore her husband’s advice about the letters for so many years. But she could be so happy to see Rachel that she would give in more easily.
RACHEL
Two weeks… -
Feedback:
RACHEL
You know how I love candles.
She points to a fire extinguisher.–Is there a reason why she
loves candles so much? Maybe she lit one for herself when she opened her
presents alone in her room? I ask because I know that candles are what lead to
her death by fire at the end, so I wonder if they might have some deep
significance to her?MOM
Would you be a dear and get me the album?
Rachel, annoyed, disappears down the hallway and returns with a photo album.–She could probably just have
the album with her already, maybe opened on her lap?RACHEL
I was about to blow out my candles…happy four-years-old… everyone rushed to the door to greet little miss perfect. Just the presents and me sitting there at the table.–I see that you removed this
conversation in the new scene. Are you including it elsewhere? I actually
really like this dialogue. I think it includes powerful images that we all can
relate to, and it really helps us understand Rachel’s motive.RACHEL
I opened my presents alone in my room.–Oh, please keep this! It’s
marvelous!MOM
Whatever happened between you two?You took this line out. I
agree. It seems that Rachel would hide this from Mom.A teapot SCREAMS in the kitchen.
–As Rachel screams in her
mind! Awesome!RACHEL
Of course not, I wouldn’t want you to spill it on yourself and get burned.–Great foreshadowing line!
RACHEL
Don’t make it too hot… Don’t forget my sugar…Sure, Mom, sure.
Rachel puts a doily onto a plate and carefully fills a cup with water. Places a tea bag into it. Adds a couple of teaspoonfuls of sugar.–Are you going to show her
adding the poison here?MOM
Now, Rachel, you know that’s not true. Emily always had more art talent than you. You just wished it was your work.
Rachel is resigned.–I think this could be
illustrated another way. The delivery seems a little flat for a story of such
significance to Rachel. Plus, isn’t Mom incoherent–enough to drink bad-tasting
tea and to forget when Emily is coming? I know she could be drifting in and out
of reality, but I wonder if that her scene is long enough to accommodate this
successfully.MOM
It’s not too hot. Good job.
Mom takes another sip.–I don’t know about this
line. Would Mom compliment Rachel? Seems like this is the kind of attention
that Rachel lacked in her childhood: acknowledgment of doing a good job.RACHEL
A healthier, zero calorie sugar.–Ha!
INT. RACHEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
A modest living room decorated for Christmas. In one corner a dried out Christmas tree with all the trimmings.
Candles sit on every available spot. They are arranged in an orderly fashion.
MOM,75, sits in a comfortable recliner watching her daughter, RACHEL PAYNE,34, light the candles. Rachel is an intense woman. She’s singly directed and once she makes up her mind, nothing will change it. She always feels she is right.
A concerned look crosses Mom’s face.–I like the description of
Rachel–sends chills down my spine, and she hasn’t even murdered yet!<div>RACHEL
Tea’s ready.–It’s a slight change, but I
like that you changed the two lines: “tea?”She puts the fire extinguisher in front of the homeless woman’s body. Arranges her arms as if reaching for it. Not quite right. She works at it until she’s satisfied.
–A lovely touch here! I can
really picture it.EXT. STRIP MALL – NIGHT
Dark. A store: ART YOU WANT, original paintings and unique ceramics with an “out of business, closed forever,” sign.
Rachel’s Chevy turns into the driveway, slows and stops in front of the store.–The name of this store
totally exemplifies Rachel’s character! Love it!</div>
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Judith’s Updated Beat Sheet – Lesson 8
What I’ve learned is to continue to work with the beats in different ways helps improve the scenes. Working on the outline is easier than working on the whole script. Take each part of the script one by one and do the rewrite that way instead of looking at everything at one time.
3 Scenes I am improving: Opening; Adoption Papers; Return to sender letter.
PURPOSE OF:
OPENING: Set up that Rachel has killed her mother and faked her own death.
ADOPTION AGENCY: Set up that Eugene and Emily are going to have a family, it’s come true.
RETURN TO SENDER LETTER: Set up that Emily still can’t let go of her real family even though they’ve abandoned her. She still hopes that reunification is possible and they can live happily-ever-after.
1. Opening – I’ve gone back and forth on this scene. At first, we saw Rachel kill her mom and fake her own death. However, I thought this was too soon to let the audience know right away that Rachel is a killer.
2. Then I started with Emily getting ready for the gallery showing and getting rid of the return to sender letter. But, this didn’t show Rachel revenge bent. I thought I could show her true self in a Flashback.
3.Then I thought, well, instead of showing who has killed the mom and the other woman and burns down the house, I’d make it look like the neighborhood had robberies and this robber got carried away and accidently set the house on fire.
So, my question is. When do you all like to know who the bad guy is? Is it too early, as in one? Is it too confusing as in two? Your thoughts would be welcomed.
I think it depends on what Rachel’s motive is. If she is an indiscriminate killer and is just plain evil, then the audience could know about it early on, because it would be fun to see her scheming through her eyes. But if her anger stems from Emily, and all of her actions are about revenge on Emily, then the story might center more on Emily’s point of view. Then, after a period of trusting Rachel and all the warm fuzzies that her openness to a family reunion would give us, we would get a shock, just like Emily. I personally like twists in movies, but I think your decision depends on whether this is more Emily’s story or Rachel’s story.
Scene 2 to improve.
The Adoption Agency – I thought was dull. Also, the papers were to be signed later.
Old Beats:
Eugene and Emily arrive at the agency.
They are told finalizing the adoption is almost there. Be patient, Katie is almost yours.
They talk about how great that would be and how happy they are.
New Beats:
Eugene and Emily arrive at the agency.
Surprise, the papers are approved. They sign the final papers.
Katie is theirs in one week. Joy!!!
Then later, another scene, the agency calls and tells them that the adoption is off because Emily is not a fit mother having stolen paintings and sold them as hers.
The agency would probably postpone rather than cancel the adoption, as they would need to do an investigation of Emily’s guilt. If the theft is not on her background check, then someone calling and accusing her probably wouldn’t be considered valid. Just something to check on.
Scene 3: Part of the opening with Emily
Old Beats:
The paintings are ready to go to the gallery.
The movers are late.
Emily finds out that someone, not her, called the movers and told them to come in the afternoon.
She gets another “return to sender letter” and decides to throw it away. And she throws out the other letters.
(I thought this doesn’t show how much Emily desire Rachel in her life.)
So new beats:
The paintings are ready to go to the gallery.
The movers are late.
Emily finds out that someone, not her, called the movers and told them to come in the afternoon.
She gets another “return to sender letter” and starts to throw it away but doesn’t.
Eugene sees her and they argue about it. He tells her it’s time. We have our own family. But she can’t let go. And this shows the arc she will go through with realizing Rachel is not her family.
This is an excellent change! In retrospect, it does seem that she would need a reason to change her mind, after she had been keeping (and writing) the letters for so long. I wonder if this might be better placed after the adoption has been granted (more incentive for Eugene to say that we have our own family).
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Got it! I have your feedback ready. Would you like me to email it to you or post it here?
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Hi Judith,
I’m working on this class all day today, but I’d like to make sure we’re partners before doing your critique. If you’d still like to partner up, could you please let me know at susanjsilver@yahoo.com or via text at (541) 286-6870? Thanks!
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You can also reach me at (541) 286-6870.
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Hi Judith! Great! I left you my email on the other page. I think it might an easier way to communicate? It’s susanjsilver@yahoo.com. I’m still interested in being your partner!
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I’m all in! I’m not sure how to tell either! Of course, I wouldn’t want to deprive anyone who ends up stranded, so I suppose we could play it by ear? But, meanwhile, we could get started, if you’d like. 🙂 You can reach me at susanjsilver@yahoo.com.
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Hi Althea, Yeah, that just happened this morning! But, as long as everyone is covered, I’d be happy to have two feedback partners. 🙂 I really liked your idea!
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Excellent! Would you like to communicate via email? If so, mine is susanjsilver@yahoo.com
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Hi Althea, I’ll be your feedback buddy, if you’d like!
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It does say that! I hadn’t noticed. 🙂 But it looks like it’s working now? I think this is a brand new format for the classes, so there still might be some kinks to work out, I suppose.
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Hi Diana,
There are two Reply buttons: the red one on the far right and then a white one for each conversation block. You’d want the white one to contact an individual.
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Hi Judith! I think your one-page overview is fascinating, and it looks like we’re both working on betrayal in family relationships. Would you like to partner up? My overview is post #10: Triplicity.
Susan