Sydney Burtner
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Syd’s Setting Up The Future M3_L9
5. What I learned doing this assignment is how to review the whole and look for ways to start future story lines early — still need to figure out the economic agenda for the Chinese traders.
Make a list of events / character reveals / under-the-surface info that COULD be set up in the pilot. Just use the obvious ones. You don’t need to create the entire season right now.
Fill those into the Outline and tell us which ones you are going to use.
Men and women mock Charita’s attempts at starting a business revealing she has ambition.
When she attempts to set up a trade, she’s cheated, by Portuguese sailors — she conceals her loss, so that it will not be used against her, but she’ll remember this (later, she’ll spy on the Portuguese).
Charita attempts to get work as a dancer, via Bhadrabahu — Mughals get too close. Bhad intervenes, but Vanhi shuts it down. (Charita argues that there are female painters in Mughal court — they’re members of the royal family.)
Charita argues for an opportunity to get into trade, for the Emperors wife has shown it lucrative. Vanhi allows Bhad to teach her about commerce (he knows a lot for a party boy)— but notes that she does not have the resources of the Empress
Before he speaks to Abzar, Veer talks with the king’s cousin, Anala, about his secret — revealing that they had a relationship. This decision makes her angry — why? Veer needed to have Abzar’s “respect and friendship” first.
Queen Vanhi is trying to arrange a marriage for Charita — someone young, smart and powerful — an alliance that will protect Charita.
Start with missing royal jewelry and gems? — breach in security at the palace means the royals are vulnerable to attack. Reveals an inside job.
When did the theft happen when Narendra was still alive? When Raj was still in GC. Abzar dismisses this as Nar already had great wealth and Raj left with it. No need to steal.
The audience witnesses Rajendra steal precious gems in Shridhar’s kingdom.
King blames Gen. Veer for the outrageous security breach and “inside job” — effectively silencing Veer who wanted to reveal his secret.It’s Charita that notices Damyanti — in the palace and how did she get access to the palace? Charita tracks her and loses her — how did she escape?
Anala suspects the queen — she has ties to the Mughal court and maintains a suspicious relationship with Bhad, a notorious playboy; Causing divisions in the royal family
King Abzar receives a letter from repentant Rajendra — Vanhi does not want Raj back at court — he’s a threat to both the crown prince and Charita; causing division in the royal family
Amir witnesses Raj set-up Bhad in King Shridar’s kingdom. Amir is set-up to be a player.
Veer believes that the jewels were planted, King Abzar has more dubious friends who would want the stolen information, including foreign traders, the Mughals and even members of the king’s own family.
The kidnapping sets up Charita — does someone know her true identity? Or is she being set up for some other reason?
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Subject line: Syd’s Adding Empathy/Distress! M3_L8
4. What I learned doing this assignment is how to tap into my character’s circumstances, actions to reveal their thoughts and feelings, and maybe even their beliefs — both good and bad.
1. Look through your outline and see if any of these has a bigger frame for your story, or if you already have it in the story, can you emphasize or expand it:
Crucible
Raj’s reputation — who is he now that his father was executed as a betrayer
Veer’s under pressure — how could intruders get so close to the royals within the palace fort; AND where are they now? What is their end-game? The more he wants to tell his secret, the worse the opportunity
Scramble to locate the intruders / protect the royals [SPECIFIC]
Bhad caught with Sridhar’s diamond in his possession — imprisoned
Charita discovers on the black market [Damyanti] that her necklace is likely from Sridhar’s kingdom (and hot); she also discovers that Damyanti knows how to get into the palace [secret passages] — she’s seized by guards; brought to Veer questioned (he already knows that the necklace is not of the GC royal treasury); Charita mentions the secret passages — Veer jumps into action, before they can reach the royals, they hear Vanhi scream. The infant prince has been kidnapped!B. Betrayal
Rajendra steals from King Shridhar, while living in asylum as his guest
Bhad snitches on Charita’s activities after she asked him to keep it a secret
Cloaked figures exchange money — the receiver turns out to be a GC Royal Guard
Raj asking to come back to GC while he is trying to recruit military support from King ShridharC. Forced Decision
After royal guards are found dead, Jagger and Sugith lie about seeing Charita (and the necklace)
Charita discovers that the intruders stole jewelry — she conceals her necklace, while trying to discover it’s origin from a black market dealer [Sugith mentions earlier]D. Hurt those they love
Veer’s decision to tell his secret now — hurts Anala
When Charita goes to thank Jagger, he believes the gift necklace is from another man
Anala accuses Charita of being complicit in the robbery
Anala accuses Vanhi to Abzar, the queen sent Bhad away after the guards were slainE. Emotional Dilemma
Charita must choose between pleasing the Queen (whom she loves / who’s her only source of support) and Jagger the soldier / musician she loves
Charita fulfilling purpose / calling, becoming more than a wife — contradicts Jagger’s plans
Abzar must weigh his debt to Raj vs Vanhi and his own son (and Charita)F. Exposed
Charita’s entrepreneurial pursuits are exposed to the Queen and (supposedly) shut down
Veer tries to talk to Abzar about “relationships that are kept secret” — Abzar assumes that Veer has discovered that Charita is Vanhi’s daughter, trusts him to keep silent
Bhad, drunk on opium, tells the Mughal Amir in front of King Shridhar that Rajendra’s father was executed for attempting to assassinate the king, implying that Raj was probably involved [How long does it take to travel between kingdoms?]G. Must Make Decision with Future Consequences
King Abzar must decide whether Rajendra can come back; Vanhi see Raj as a threat to her son AND he tried to attack Charita. Raj saved Abzar by exposing his father’s plot.
Guards found slain — one of which was in the teaser accepting money, paying the prostitute and saw Charita approach Jagger and Sugith in the private royal quarters
Anala spies on Queen Vanhi who privately sends Bhad on a mission
When Charita discovers jewelry theft was the likely motive for the break in, she keeps mum about her necklace gift2. Looking at your scenes, are there places you can create situations to cause more Empathy/Distress?
Step 1: Check each scene to see if you can build any of these forms of Empathy/Distress into them.
Undeserved misfortune — bribed guards are murdered; infant prince; some sympathy for Bhad getting set up and for Raj, the long-time victim of his father
External character conflicts — Abzar vs. Veer; Abzar vs. Vanhi
Plot intruding on life — Queen blocking Charita; Queen blocking Raj
Plans that failed — Bhad snitches on Charita’s desire to become an artist
Witnessing the pain of others — Charita watches Vanhi and Abzar when they discover the crown prince is gone
Extreme consequences — Charita arrested when she tries to find the origin of the necklace
Major loss — The crown prince is missing! Veer has lost Abzar’s trust just when he was about to reveal that they are brothers
Brings their wound present — Charita’s neglected during the lockdown, because she’s deemed lower-class and not important, further, because her family connections are secret, it tempts her to shame; Veer losing Abzar’s trust and respect damages his self-worth as a bastardStep 2: Make those situations even worse.
Make it more painful — Does Charita have a place in Vanhi’s new family or will she be pushed out? Is jealous Jagger even interested in a wife with a calling / business? Does he even know who she is? She can’t reveal her true parentage?
Raise the stakes — Does Jagger giver her an ultimatum about her calling? Does the Queen?
Create more loss — Jagger’s father dies in the attack? Veer gets a letter that his mother [tawaif who had a relationship with Abzar’s father] has died?
Put any goal, need, value, wound at significant risk — Does Charita get attacked (but escape)?
Time this to be at the worst moment — Does Anala accuse Vanhi to Abzar and then Abzar finds Vanhi obsessing over why Bhad has not written back to her?
Make it more physically threatening — Does Charita get chased instead of Gauri? Jagger and Sugith fight off the intruders that killed the other guards — one of them gets injured. Charita is chased when she goes to the black market dealer. Vanhi receives a threatening letter — and burns it.3. Fill those into your current outline and rewrite it. Check
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Syd’s Open Loops and Mysteries (M3_L7)
5. What I learned doing this assignment is the tension between main mysteries and main open loops vs. those of the sub-category. I need to play with perhaps milking some of the subs into the the first season and perhaps longer
1. Look through your current outline and find opportunities for at least 5 Open Loops and 5 Mysteries either in the plot or about the characters.
Main Mystery: Who is trying to get control of Golden City (and its resources / position on major trade routes)? What is their plan / end-game? Is Charita just a pawn or is there a deeper connection?
Sub-Mysteries:
Raj is an exile, but wealthy — why is he a thief?
Why is Charita intent on starting her own business / enterprise? Why is she keeping it secret?
Why does Charita go to Bhad for help (he’s the only one with business knowledge who is willing to help)?
Why is Bhad spying on Charita for the Queen?
Why is the Queen Charita’s protector? (Answer per the film — she’s Vanhi’s daughter)
Why does the queen reject all Charita’s business ideas?
Why does Charita reject all the queen’s suitors?
Why does Veer’s desire to share his secret with King Abzar piss off Anala?
Why does Vanhi reject Rajendra’s plea to return?
Anala: Why is Vanhi friends with Bhad?
Why can’t Gen Veer, shut to the security breach? Is he part of the inside job?
How did the necklace get into Charita’s room? Who put it there? (Vanhi, Anala, Veer — all want to know?)Main Open Loop:
What will happen to the infant crown prince?
Sub-Open Loops:
Will Charita end up with Jagger?
Will the queen arrange a marriage for Charita?
Will King Abzar allow Rajendra to return?
Who gifted Charita the necklace?
What are the intruders — who killed the royal guards — after?
What is the secret mission Vanhi sends Bhad to accomplish?
Will Bhad wreck Raj’s attempt to get allies?
Will Raj win back his place, reputation in Golden City?
Was the motive for the break-in and killing the guards really theft?
Charita goes on the offense, investigating the mystery of the jewelry — is she safe? She goes to a dangerous part of the city alone?
Anala’s having her followed — will she get caught?
Charita discovers that Damyanti knows about the maze (secret passages)? Who else knows?
What will happen to Charita when she’s caught in the black market with jewelry?
What will happen to Bhad when Raj turns the table on him in Shridar’s kingdom?2. Look through your outline to see if you can build in at least one mystery and open loop into each Act of your outline. Check.
3. Add those to the Outline. Added, need some refining and reordering; some of the sub-mysteries are solved and some of the sub-open loops are closed by the end of the pilot.
4. Tell us which Open Loops and Mysteries you’ve added and the effect on the interest level of the outline. All listed above — looking at some refining.
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ASSIGNMENT:
Syd Stacks Intrigue M3_L6
4. What I learned doing this assignment is a technique for building suspense with intrigue.
List of your turning points.
Brainstorm ways to create intrigue for the Turning Point + TECHNIQUE and one sentence that tells how you’ll create intrigue for the Turning Point.Intriguing World: Low-born (poor) female lives in Golden City Palace Fort
Intrigue: How did she get here? How does Charita, a female orphan (no male family) make her fortune, or at least survive
Mystery: Why is Bhad helping her? Who is this person in another kingdom who steals so skillfully? (Raj)
Secret: She’s trying to build a business leveraging the queen’s favor, but without the queen’s permission
Deception: Bhad helps her, but reports all her activity to the queen
Conspiracy: Someone is breaking into the palace fort / stealing jewelry in another kingdom
Secret Identity: She’s Queen Vanhi’s daughter
Wound: Shame, seen as “less-than” by the affluent, the queen’s pity project
Hidden Agenda: If she can create her own money, she can make her own choices
Hidden Layer: She wants to choose whom she will marry
Strange Behavior: Handsome young noble tries to flirt with her (he’s a queen’s pick)
Accusation:
Act 1 TP — Charita has been gifted a beautiful necklace from an unknown person (after it’s been revealed that Raj has been stealing jewelry in a neighboring kingdom).
Intriguing World: Mughal Empire — many kingdoms / principalities under Mughal rule
Intrigue: Palace break-in — many motives, many suspects
Mystery: How are enemies breaking into the palace fort? Who are they?
Secret: What do they want?
Deception: Veer’s own well-trained men — some remain loyal to Rajendra. Why?
Conspiracy: King Abzar has many enemies; more than one party may be part of this break-in — in fact, it would take a well-laid plan to get around Veer
Secret Identity: Anala knows Veer’s secret identity, he wants to reveal to Abzar
Wound: Anala holds a grudge against Veer, they used to be lovers
Hidden Agenda: What are the intruders truly after? Assassination? Theft? Something else? Charita wants the queen’s support for her business ambitions, AND secretly, she believes when she’s successful she will have the power to make her own choices — including marrying Jagger.
Hidden Layer: Bhad admires Charita’s ambition, but he’s spying on her for the queen; he and queen are old friends, but she appears to have something on him
Strange Behavior: Anala’s elitism toward Veer is cover for her feelings for him
Accusation: Charita secretly meets with Jagger to thank him for the necklace. It wasn’t from him. Jagger accuses her of flirting with another man.
Act 2 TP — An intruder has slain guards in front of the king’s private quarters. Jagger and Sugith summoned.
Intriguing World: Neighboring kingdom (several days journey by horse)
Intrigue: Raj, who stole King Shridhar’s jewel, lives in luxury as King Shridhar’s guest
Mystery: When Jag and Sugith are called away, Charita follows a mysterious woman [Damyanti] scurrying away. She tracks around a corner, but the woman disappeared.
Secret: Anala spies on the queen — who sends Bhad to investigate her prime suspect. Who is it? Vanhi starts carrying a concealed dagger.
Deception: Sugith is smitten with Gauri; she get locked out of her quarters during lockdown, she tells Sugith she was trying to find him
Conspiracy: Anala, like Veer, is suspicious of everyone — they make a list of suspects; she demands Bhad and Charita be followed
Secret Identity: Anala realizes that Bhad is more than a playboy from Mughal court
Wound: Abzar is angry at Veer because of the security breach; Veer is shamed — now is not the time to share his secret
Hidden Agenda: Does Gauri have a hidden agenda?
Hidden Layer: Vanhi or Anala (or both) are suspicious of the courtesan’s from Mughal court — demand that they be locked down
Strange Behavior: Strangely supportive of Veer (usually she talks down to him).
Accusation: Anala accuses Vanhi to Veer; he warns her to keep silent
Act 3 TP— An investigation into the guards slaying reveals that some of the queen’s jewelry has been stolen. Charita remains silent about her “gift.”
Intriguing World: Charita goes down a seedy street in the city with prostitutes and black market businesses, in search of info about necklace
Intrigue: Queen Vanhi interrogates Charita about the necklace? Who told the queen? The queen doesn’t recognize it as her own.
Mystery: Charita doesn’t know who gave it to her; wants to find Bhad to help her, but he’s MIA (Queen does not mention that she sent him on a mission)
Secret: Raj curries favor from King Shridhar, convincing his court that he’s a victim of the attempt on King Abzar’s life
Deception: Gauri tells Sugith men are chasing her (to get him to help)
Conspiracy: Raj plants a stolen gem on Bhad. King Shridhar throws Bhad in the dungeon as Raj and the Amir watch.
Secret Identity: A friend of the Mughal Amir, Bhad is welcomed in King Shridhar’s court
Wound: Veer’s wound — While he’s relieved that the motive for the breach was theft, he points out to Veer that if a thief can get to their jewelry, an assassin can get to the infant crown prince
Hidden Agenda: Reminds Abzar that Rajendra used to be an insider, with knowledge of the palace fort (in her mind, he will always be a threat to her son)
Hidden Layer: Charita is Vanhi’s daughter — only Abzar, Vanhi and Charita know this.
Strange Behavior: Sugith spies on royals conversation, tells Jag that a necklace has been stolen — Jag remains silent about Charita’s necklace
Accusation: Veer’s airtight security failed because he’s involved — it’s an inside job; who makes this accusation
Act 4 TP — Charita discovers from a black market dealer (maybe Damyanti) that her necklace was likely stolen in another kingdom. Before she can make this known royal guards seize her.
Intriguing World: Massive maze of tunnels through and under the palace fort
Intrigue: Charita questioned by Veer; he confirms that the necklace she has was not stolen from the treasury
Mystery: Who gave her the necklace? The queen demands to know
Secret: The necklace is still probably hot
Deception: Sugith leaves his post guarding the royal family to help Gauri
Conspiracy: Charita brings Damyanti with her to Veer — Veer discovers that his maze of secret passages in the palace fort is known, and exploited by others, including Raj
Secret Identity: Veer starts probing regarding Charita’s real identity, she’s close to the royal family — but, yet just a village girl, who happens to be well-educated
Wound: Veer (Irony: himself secretly a bastard) questions her worthiness, tempting her to shame; If she’s nobody why is she important to the queen? Also, why is she being set up? (Yes, he see it.)
Hidden Agenda: When things go south, Damyanti makes a run for it — and succeeds. It seems she knows the palace fort well and has allies inside.
Hidden Layer: Bhad, trying to escape Shridhar’s prison realizes Raj is smarter than he thought
Strange Behavior: Sugith MIA to save Gauri; Jagger MIA to warn Charita? Maybe not? Perhaps he’s wounded because Sugith left him alone?
Accusation: Sugith accused of being part of the conspiracy because he’s MIA
Act 5 TP — General Veer wants to know how the necklace got in her room, regardless of its origins. Before they find answers — the infant crown prince is kidnapped.
3. Select the ideas you like and add them to your growing outline. WIP
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Syd’s Layers and Reveals M3_L5
5. What I learned doing this assignment is an additional way to breakdown and focus on a specific element of the pilot (and series) construction.
4. Tell us which Layers, Cover Ups, and Reveals you’ve added to the outline.
Teaser — Reveal: Raj is a thief.
Act 1 — Reveal: Raj is a threat to their infant son. Queen Vanhi sees Raj as a threat to King Abzar and his infant son. Abzar reminds her that Raj’s father was the enemy and that it was Raj that turned evidence against his own father. She reminds Abzar that Raj tried to rape Charita. Abzar should warn King Shridar.
Act 2 — General Veer privately talks to King Abzar about family — and sometimes relationships are kept secret. King Abzar warns Veer that his network of spies had better not endanger the queen. He assumes that Veer has discovered that Charita is actually Vanhi’s daughter. This is actually a surprise to Veer, but he doesn’t let on.
Act 2 — In a reversal, Jagger becomes jealous, believing Charita’s gift necklace is from another man.
Act 3 — Layer: Bhad serves as Queen Vanhi’s spy (he’s more than just a party boy), exposing Raj as his father’s accomplice in an assassination attempt to King Shridar.
Act 3 — Layer: Charita discovers that some of the queen’s precious jewelry is missing after guards were slain. She chooses not to hide the necklace she recently received from a secret admirer.
Act 4 — Layer: When Bhad tries to return to Golden City, one of Shrindhar’s jewels is found on Bhad, and Bhad is thrown in the dungeon. (Rajendra’s revenge — this also casts doubt on Bhad’s earlier accusation.)
Act 4 — Reveal: When Charita tries to track down info on the necklace she was “gifted” she’s seized by royal guards. Anala had her followed.
Act 5 — Reveal: Veer questions Charita. The necklace in her possession is not one of the stolen pieces.
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Syd’s Character Story Lines M3_L4
6. What I learned doing this assignment is how to create and insert a character’s story arc into plot structure. I’m realizing that the two characters I picked to start with are actually in separate cities.
2. Create a beginning, middle, and end of the character’s story for the pilot.
5. Outline, Draft 1 (with Charita and Rajendra)
Teaser:
Essence: Money changes hands between cloaked figures. VO has Bhadrabahu explaining commerce to Charita. Charita secretly meets with Bhadrabahu who helps her set up her business (textile trade? Dancing? Writes stories / poetry for money?). She counts money.
(C Beginning): Charita tries to leverage the queen’s favor to start a business.
(R Beginning): Rajendra lives in luxury and exile in King Shridhar’s kingdom.
(R Dilemma): If Raj lives out life in foreign courts, Raj’s reputation will be would-be usurper, assassin and rapist, or he’ll have to find a way to restore his reputation in Golden City court by reconciling with King Abzar.
Turning Point: In an effort to win points, Bhad informs Queen Vanhi of her activity, the queen summons Charita. Meanwhile, a cloaked figure whispers in Bhad’s ear and he rushes away.
Act 1:
Essence: While watching the infant crown prince, Charita pitches various business ideas to the queen. The queen rejects them. They walk through the palace fort — the queen pitches various potential suitors to Charita. Charita rejects them before she steals away and secretly meets Jagger, a soldier. General Veer tells Anala, the king’s cousin, that he plans to share a secret with the king, which pisses her off. Meanwhile, the king receives a request from his exiled cousin (and former heir), Rajendra, who has been received as a guest in another kingdom.
(C Dilemma): The queen wants to arrange an advantageous marriage. To keep the queen’s cooperation, Charita hides her secret engagement to the soldier Jagger, whom the queen does not favor.
(R TP 1): Rajendra lavishes expensive gifts on King Shridhar to curry political favor. The king accepts the gifts, offering Raj asylum, but withholds political influence, specifically his soldiers.
(R Midpoint): Rajendra carefully and skillfully breaks into the private quarters of Shridhar’s queen and steals jewelry. This is his addiction, like an eating disorder.
Turning Point: The necklace
(C TP 1): Charita finds a beautiful necklace in her room and rushes to thank Jagger. He is suddenly ordered to the king’s treasury. Intruders have slain Guards, and stolen precious jewelry.
(C Midpoint): The queen summons Charita and demands to know who gave her the necklace. (Bhad ratted her out.)
Act 2:
Essence: She discovers from Bhad that the necklace is too pricey for a soldier. She confronts Jagger — did he and his crafty friend Sugith do something illegal to get such a necklace? In a reversal, Jagger becomes jealous believing the necklace is from another man. In the neighboring kingdom, Rajendra skillfully steals jewels from that kingdom’s treasury.
Turning Point/Midpoint: Part of the Royal Guard, Jagger is summoned to a distressed commotion — guards have been slain — in the king’s private quarters!
Act 3:
Essence: General Veer doubles the guard on the royals. But, Charita, a commoner by birth, is free to move about. King Abzar confronts General Veer — how could this happen inside the palace? Veer decides to keep his secret for the time being. Queen Vanhi demands answers from Bhad, which seems odd to Anala, as Bhad is nothing more than a playboy from Lucknow court (why is the queen even friends with him?).
(R TP 2): Raj starts getting empathy in this foreign court for his circumstance — banished because of courtesan’s false accusation — until a visiting Golden City noble tells the Mughal Amir in front of King Shridhar that Rajendra’s father was executed for attempting to assassinate the king and that Raj was probably involved.
Turning Point: Charita discovers that valuable crown jewels are missing and decides not to reveal the necklace now in her possession.
Act 4:
Essence: As a female commoner (practically invisible), Charita is unencumbered by Veer’s lockdown. She questions servants and Bhad to find out the origin of the necklace and who could have left it in her room. Clues point to a seedy street in the kingdom. Anala insists that Veer have her followed.
(R Major Conflict): How does Raj, King Abzar’s former heir, regain position in Golden City court, when the king now has a son. Raj has a bad reputation and no allies.
(R Ending): One piece of Shrindhar’s missing jewelry is found on the Golden City noble (Rajendra’s enemy). The noble’s arrested. The Mughal Amir notices Rajendra’s smile.
Turning Point: From Bhad (or a black-market dealer), Charita discovers that the necklace may be a piece stolen in another kingdom. Veer’s guards seize her.
(C Major Conflict): Anala, the king’s cousin, accuses Charita of being complicit in the robbery.
(C TP 2): Charita’s necklace turns out not to be one of the stolen items from the king’s treasury — it does, however, resemble one stolen from a neighboring kingdom.
(C Ending): How did the necklace get in Charita’s room? She begins to investigate.
Act 5:
Essence: Veer questions Charita. Bhad informs the queen who summons both Veer and Charita. On there way, they hear the queen scream. They run to her in the nursery — guards and caretakers are dead.
Lock In: The infant crown prince is kidnapped!
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Big Picture Components M3_L1
World: Mughal Empire, circa 1565; a conglomeration of principalities (city states) under the Emperor; the cosmopolitan center of global trade
Main mystery: Who’s plotting to take assassinate the king and take over Golden City?
Impossible Goal: Charita, a low-born female, conspires to restore the infant crown prince to the Golden City throne.
Main Conflict: Foreign and domestic traders, Mughal politicians and members of the king’s own family fight for economic and political control of Golden City.
Second Mystery: How will Charita compete with these powerful entities, when, as a village girl, she struggles for individual autonomy.
Season 1 Arc: From lone female struggling for individual autonomy to novice spy working to reclaim Golden City for King Abzar’s son.
Season 1 Protagonist Internal Journey: From self-focused ambition to saving the queen and crown prince to fighting for the welfare of Golden City.2. PILOT INFO:
Pilot Conflict: Kidnappers take the crown prince. Charita’s framed.
Characters Introduced: Charita, Queen Vanhi, Bhadrabahu, General Veer, Anala,Inciting Incident of Season 1: Charita must become a spy to uncover King Abzar’s real killers and restore the crown prince to the throne.
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Syd’s Amazing Inciting Incident M3_L2
What I learned doing this assignment is the value of working backwards. I still may want to think about this one some more.
What is the “Inciting Incident” of your series that this pilot needs to deliver powerfully?
Charita gets set-up by the king’s invisible enemy, but she’s too clever to take the fall as expected. Charita will expose many secrets and multiple conspiracies to find the real culprit.
2. Main Beats of that Inciting Incident:
Intriguing Concept: A low-born young woman searches for a way (and believes one exists) for her to become autonomous even though she lacks male relatives. Problem — she lives in Golden City, a principality in the Mughal Empire, circa 1565.
Act 1: Raised in a village, this dancer found favor with Queen Vanhi by some miracle — or was it? She knows she got there by the shrewdness of her mother, and, like mother — like daughter. She decides she will be shrewd too and create her own wealth.
Midpoint: Charita is implicated in a plot against the royal family. Anala, a royal cousin, points to her quest for financial gain as her motive.
Lock In: She starts investigating quietly to clear her name and to protect the royals, some of which she loves dearly. She discovers the king’s powerful enemies and a web of conspiracies, but uncovers a threat that not even General Veer is anticipating. -
Syd’s Pilot Structure
2. What I learned doing this assignment is there’s a lot to play with here and I need to do more drafts to refine and sharpen.
Teaser:
Essence: Money changes hands between cloaked figures. VO has Bhadrabahu explaining commerce to Charita. Charita secretly meets with Bhadrabahu who helps her set up her business (textile trade? Dancing? Writes stories / poetry for money?). She counts money.
Turning Point: In an effort to win points, Bhad informs Queen Vanhi of her activity, the queen summons Charita. Meanwhile, a cloaked figure whispers in Bhad’s ear and he rushes away.
Act 1:
Essence: While watching the infant crown prince, Charita pitches various business ideas to the queen. The queen rejects them. They walk through the palace fort — the queen pitches various potential suitors to Charita. Charita rejects them before she steals away and secretly meets Jagger, a soldier. General Veer tells Anala, the king’s cousin, that he plans to share a secret with the king, which pisses her off. Meanwhile, the king receives a request from his exiled cousin (and former heir), Rajendra, who has been received as a guest in another kingdom.
Turning Point: Charita finds a valuable necklace with a small gem in her room. She runs to thank the queen — but this gift wasn’t from the queen. The queen demands to know what man gave her the gift.
Act 2:
Essence: She discovers from Bhad that the necklace is too pricey for a soldier. She confronts Jagger — did he and his crafty friend Sugith do something illegal to get such a necklace? In a reversal, Jagger becomes jealous believing the necklace is from another man. In the neighboring kingdom, Rajendra skillfully steals jewels from that kingdom’s treasury.
Turning Point/Midpoint: Part of the Royal Guard, Jagger is summoned to a distressed commotion — guards have been slain — in the king’s private quarters!
Act 3:
Essence: General Veer doubles the guard on the royals. But, Charita, a commoner by birth, is free to move about. King Abzar confronts General Veer — how could this happen inside the palace? Veer decides to keep his secret for the time being. Queen Vanhi demands answers from Bhad, which seems odd to Anala, as Bhad is nothing more than a playboy from Lucknow court (why is the queen even friends with him?).
Turning Point: Charita discovers that valuable crown jewels are missing and decides not to reveal the necklace now in her possession.
Act 4:
Essence: As a female commoner (practically invisible), Charita is unencumbered by Veer’s lockdown. She questions servants and Bhad to find out the origin of the necklace and who could have left it in her room. Clues point to a seedy street in the kingdom. Anala insists that Veer have her followed.
Turning Point: From a black-market dealer, Charita discovers that the necklace may be a piece stolen in another kingdom. Veer’s guards seize her.
Act 5:
Essence: Veer questions Charita. Bhad informs the queen who summons both Veer and Charita. On there way, they hear the queen scream. They run to her in the nursery — guards and caretakers are dead.
Lock In: The infant crown prince is kidnapped!
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Syd’s Intrigue Patterns M2_L8
4. What I learned doing this assignment is that I enjoy rewriting to highlight intrigue.
Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean.
When her father dies, Charita has only her wits to survive. In the Mughal Empire circa 1565, this means begging or prostitution for a low-born young woman.
B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.
Charita’s so talented, she could dance before kings. But men in the Mughal Empire have menacing expectations of female artists.
C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc.
Charita, a low-born young woman in Golden City, enjoys the favor of the queen, but this wily artist has plans of her own. But unknown enemy could destroy her and the queen if her real identity is exposed.
D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done ______.
A young woman, Charita, finds a way to make her own fortune. The queen worries what kind of work earns a wage for a female with no male relatives in the Mughal Empire during the 1560s.
E. But maybe it is all wrong.
Charita enjoys fine silks, influence and the company of rich men as a tawaif (courtesan artist) in the 1565 Mughal Empire, or is she playing a risky game for a far bigger prize.
F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences
Charita, a woman with no male relatives, takes big risks to thrive in 1560s Mughal Hindustan. In fact, she may have a knack for it, but crossing the wrong man could get her killed.
G. If he does ________________, that means ___Intrigue_____.
If Charita chooses to dance for noble men, circa 1565, she’s resigned to become a courtesan. But the queen knows she’s agreed to spy for the Mughal Amir.
H. State the mystery.
How does a low-born young woman in the Mughal Empire, circa 1565, acquire wealth and influence? Why is a hidden enemy trying to set her up?
Should be/could be _______, but it is even worse.
The king’s cousin feared that Charita, a beautiful young woman without male relatives, would become a courtesan to escape poverty. Charita is willing to do far worse.
J. Intense language.
A skilled dancer, Charita’s only option for survival appears to be the path of a courtesan. But Charita will lie, steal, spy, seduce and even kill to restore the assassinated king’s only sone to the throne.
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Syd’s TV Pitch Bible Investigation M2_L7
5. What I learned doing this assignment is that 1) this is an endless assignment that could result in 20+ seasons and/or spin offs. Specifically, I need to limit to building out a main character’s story line. Some secondaries storylines need to be built up. There are two characters that got left out that I must include. I’m giving the abbreviated version.
4. Use in TV Pitch Bible:
Bhadrabahu’s storyline — both his support of the father who disowned him and how that drives him to success; his hidden opium addiction and will put Charita in danger.
Veer’s storyline — his conflict, he worked all his life to be an honorable man, now he’s seen as a criminal; he wants to avenge his brother, but it will only look like a power-grab
Use in Episodes:
Gauri and Sugith are two secondary characters whose unique journeys bring them together.
Chenghua showed up.
Anala’s interventions — she appears to support the infant crown prince, but believes that Veer, is obviously a better choice; Anala’s and Veer’s romance — they had a past relationship, but he wasn’t the right class, now she’s married to someone else.
Rajendra’s addiction to jewel theft, and how he uses it; his confusion about his own actions—he’s compassionate towards children who’ve been manipulated; he believes the throne was taken from him, but others don’t see it
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Syd’s Show Summary M2_L6
5. What I learned doing this assignment is a solid methodology for crafting and opening summary (though, admittedly, I still have some work to do).
1. Choose the Summary Format: B. Highlights of Entire Season
2. Create an outline using this structure or something similar:
Set up — Character’s normal situation: Low-born girl lives at court with the favor of the queen (secret machinations of her mother). The queen wants to arrange a marriage, Charita exploits this relationship to create a career or business for herself.
Twist/Hook: She becomes a prime suspect when the infant crown prince is kidnapped. State secrets and crown jewels are also taken. They are found in her room.
Real situation – Major Empathy / Distress: Who’s her hidden enemy — Rajendra, the king’s former heir or is it a trade partner — the Portuguese or Chinese
Twist/Hook: Charita was falsely accused of taking the queen’s jewels, but eventually, circumstances force her take them.
Impossible to solve conflict or major mystery: The king is assassinated — she helps the queen and infant crown prince escape.
Final Hook into the Series – Extreme Dramatic Question: How does a woman without power and family not only survive, but restore the Infant Crown Prince to the Golden City throne? She’ll become part of a network of Mughal Empire spies to gain both leverage and wealth. But is she working for the enemy?3. Turn it into a rough draft.
4. Return to your Binge Worthy Framework and add any of the key Binge Worthy components that will elevate the intrigue while working for the flow of the summary.
Engaging and Intriguing Character
Intriguing World
Empathy/Distress
Mystery
Layers
Open Loops
Conflict
Relationship Hooks
Irony<div>A low-born girl, Charita, lives at court by the grace of Queen Vanhi. Some believe her good fortune a happy accident while others attribute it to divine intervention. Charita knows that her mother’s secret manipulations deserve the credit. Believed by most to be deceased, her mysterious mother came from a Mughal court, with knowledge of the Empire that rules over Golden City and many other principalities. She gave Charita the gift of dreaming — and so she does. She aspires to choose her own future, leveraging her royal relationship, to create a business, live as an artist and love whom she will love. Most mock her efforts to make money, while the queen plans to choose an appropriate husband for her. She clings to her resolve, but conceals her endeavors to avoid their interference.
Suddenly, kidnappers slay royal guards and take the infant crown prince. The brazen act throws the entire principality into turmoil. The king blames General Veer for the security breach. Clearly, it was an inside job. King Abzar’s cousin / advisor, Anala, suspects the queen, herself. She questions the Queen Vanhi’s ties to the empire and her suspicious friendship with the dubious Bhadrabahu, a playboy from the Mughal courts. The general launches a manhunt for the perpetrators, aware that the wealthy trade city has a long list of suspicious persons who could benefit from such a bold crime.
The child is found safe — in Charita’s room. Charita had access within the well-guarded palace fort and becomes a prime suspect. She’s thrown into the dungeon. The queen comes to her defense and the king believes its obviously a set up — it’s enough to get her released, but the stink of suspicion stays with her.
The kidnapping, however, turns out to be only a diversion, to cover the theft of diplomatic documents and precious jewels. The evidence against Charita proves damning when Anala discovers jewels in Charita’s room. Veer believes that the jewels were planted, King Abzar has more dubious friends who would want the stolen information, including Portuguese and Chinese traders, and even the Mughals, themselves. But Anala notes that the young woman demonstrates an obsession with wealth. To prove her innocence, Charita launches her own investigation, leading her to the alluring prostitute, Damyanti, who has gained access to the palace fort’s maze of secret tunnels via Veer’s own royal guards.
Charita discovers that Rajendra, the king’s exiled cousin, has detailed knowledge of the maze. Rajendra was heir to the throne before the widowed king decided to remarry. On hearing this, Veer rushes to King Abzar’s side. What he finds will force the queen and her infant son to go on the run. General Veer is arrested and condemned. With the Golden City in chaos, Charita makes a dangerous deal with the Mughal Amir — she’ll become his spy in the Empire in exchange for the queen’s and the prince’s protection. Charita wants them safe. She also has her own agenda, but did she just make a deal with the enemy.
</div>
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Syd’s Episode Descriptions
M2_L5
What I learned doing this assignment is a method to punch up episode descriptions.
ASSIGNMENT:
Check the sequence of episodes you did in Lesson 4 and see if it flows well for you. Feel free to change the sequence in any way that you think might be better as you create the full season of episode descriptions.
Epi 1 — Beginning of the season: Who does she think she is? Low-born woman, Charita, attempts to create her own wealth, exploiting her connection to the queen. The infant prince is kidnapped.
Epi 2 — Found and Lost. The child is found safe, but relationships are broken. Charita is framed as a kidnapper.
Epi 3 — The kidnapping was a decoy for theft — confidential documents and crown jewels.
Epi 4 — Veer scrambles to understand the security breech, while an invisible force frames Charita. King Abzar is assassinated.
Epi 5 — Return of the King — Rajendra re-emerges with a force behind him and assumes the throne. He arrests and condemns Veer, while Charita scurries the Queen and infant Prince into hiding.
Epi 6 — Rajendra seeks to solidify his reign. He condemns Veer and closes in on the Queen and the infant.
Epi 7 — Veer is freed by unexpected rescuers and a small army of fighting men follow him into the wilderness. The Queen, infant Prince and Charita slip out of the city with the help of a controversial contact.
Epi 8 — End of season: Charita makes a deal with the Amir to be his spy in exchange for protection of the queen and prince. The queen believes the Amir made the deal under false pretenses/ Vanhi has her own allies in Mughal court, but Charita has her own agenda.
2. For each episode, go through the event bullet points and organize them in this fashion.
Epi 1
Hook/Intrigue: A low-born girl tries to become independent (financially) in principality inside the Mughal Kingdom, circa 1565.
Main Character journey: Charita, a low-born girl, leverages her relationship with the queen to make her own decisions about life and love, when her plans are abruptly interrupted by the kidnapping of the queen’s infant son.
Major Challenge/Conflict: No one believes a young woman can become independent in the Mughal Empire, and some think it’s scandalous. Charita faces and uphill battle.
Action/Reaction: Charita’s every attempt at entrepreneurship is met with laughter and objection, the queen resists her relationship to Jagger. Each failure strengthens her resolve to succeed, until…
Cliffhanger: … the Queen Vanhi’s infant son is kidnapped!
Epi 2
Hook/Intrigue: Man-hunt for child and his kidnappers.
Main Character journey: Charita realizes that her desire for independence is an uphill journey, now she’s understanding that she has a specific and hidden enemy.
Major Challenge/Conflict: General Veer and Palace Fort security are legendary — this had to be an inside job.
Action/Reaction: This is the only circumstance that would cause Charita to put her plans on hold — she follows a clue no one else seems to recognize.
Cliffhanger: The clue leads Charita back to her own room, where she finds Anala, guards and the crown prince, safe.
Epi 3
Hook/Intrigue: Who’s the real kidnapper?
Main Character journey: Charita wanted to be taken seriously as an entrepreneur, now she taken seriously as suspect by the king’s powerful cousin Anala.
Major Challenge/Conflict: Anala has Gen. Veer watching Charita, while Charita tries to launch her own investigation.
Action/Reaction: She’s been set up, Charita has to find out who did it. She instigates her own investigation
Cliffhanger: The kidnapping was a decoy. While Veer’s resources were engaged in finding the prince, confidential docs and precious jewels were stolen from the royal treasury. Anala finds certain jewels in Charita’s possession. Framed twice!
Epi 4
Hook/Intrigue: What’s the end-game of these machinations? Who’s behind it? Who on the inside accomplice?
Main Character journey: Charita’s investigative skills emerge — Charita finds out from local prostitute Damyanti that Rajendra knows all the secret passes in the Palace Fort. Veer is astounded.
Major Challenge/Conflict: Anala demands that Charita be incarcerated. The king refuses. Because his rock-solid security is failing, some whisper he must be involved, even as he scrambles to understand the security breech.
Action/Reaction: Charita must uncover the plot before the Queen or Prince are harmed. In her investigation, she discovers Veer’s secret.
Cliffhanger: King Abzar is assassinated.
Epi 5
Hook/Intrigue: Who killed the king? Shocked and grieved, General Veer puts his most trusted Royal Guard around the Queen and Crown Prince. Charita doesn’t trust them.
Main Character journey: With the queen practically prisoner, Charita’s on her own — but she won’t abandon them.
Major Challenge/Conflict: Almost magically from within the Palace, exiled Rajendra and his Strong Men, return apparently with all Gen Veer’s security secrets. The queen and prince are in danger.
Action/Reaction: Armed with knowledge she got from Damyanti, Charita hurriedly pulls the queen and prince into hiding.
Cliffhanger: Stripping Veer of his title, Rajendra imprisons Veer as a traitor, accusing him of Abzar’s assassination. The queen and her son are in hiding, but trapped inside the Palace Fort.
Epi 6
Hook/Intrigue: Veer is condemned to death. What will happen to the queen and her son? Will Rajendra’s men find them first?
Main Character journey: Charita fears for her love — Jagger, a soldier. He wants to flee with her, but she refuses — she will help the queen. They part, each fearing for the others’ life.
Major Challenge/Conflict: Charita learned much from Damyanti about the Palace Fort’s inner workings — but apparently Rajendra’s men know a lot, too. How will she smuggle them out? Once out, how does she get them to safety?
Action/Reaction: The jewels that Charita was falsely accused of stealing before, she steals them now — to buy the queen and her son passage to safety. She takes them, in disguise, to the Damyanti, the prostitute in the seedy part of town.
Cliffhanger: Veer’s loyal men try to arrange a jailbreak — they are killed in front of his eyes. Rajendra closes in on Vanhi’s hiding place — but she is gone.
Epi 7
Hook/Intrigue: Where others failed — Anala and Damyanti succeed in breaking Veer out of jail. He flees to the wilderness where he amasses an army — or is it a band of thieves.
Main Character journey: Charita moves in the very direction, the queen did not want her to go — though it’s only a disguise. Dressed as tawaif, she bargains with Mughals for passage to Lucknow for her and “her family.”
Major Challenge/Conflict: Charita has to get the queen, the prince and herself out of the City to safety while Rajendra is on a massive manhunt.
Action/Reaction: Though Veer now has an army, Charita is not convinced she can trust him, so she makes another plan.
Cliffhanger: Charita makes the deal for passage with the Mughals, Bhadrabahu shows up — Vanhi and he have history, both good and bad. What has Charita gotten them into?
Epi 8
Hook/Intrigue: Charita’s plan to restore the infant prince to the throne with Vanhi as Queen Regent. To her surprise the Queen is in agreement. The prince will always have a target on his back. At least if he has the throne, he will have the power to defend himself.
Main Character journey: Charita takes enough risks and succeeds in getting them to Lucknow. She’s emboldened to make a dangerous deal with the Mughal Amir.
Major Challenge/Conflict: The queen tells Charita that she has her own allies in Mughal court, but Charita makes a deal to spy for the Empire in exchange for help (and gold). Charita has her own agenda.
Action/Reaction:
Cliffhanger: Charita tries to position herself to help the infant prince regain his throne. She’s going back to Golden City.
3. Write a rough draft of each of the episode descriptions for your first season.
Epi 1 — Who does She Think She is?
Charita, a low-born, orphaned artist, who mysteriously received an education, tries to to create her own path in life — a daunting task for a female in Golden City, principality inside the Mughal Kingdom, circa 1565. But Charita tries to leverage the favor she has with Queen Vanhi become financially independent — just one prerequisite for a woman to have autonomy. No one believes a young woman can become independent in this Empire, and some think it’s scandalous. Charita’s every attempt at entrepreneurship is met with laughter and objection. To make matter’s worse, the queen’s vision for the Charita’s success involves an advantageous marriage. Here too, Charita wants to make her own decision, having fallen for Jagger. He’s brave and honorable young man, but as a musician turned soldier, he’s not the queen’s first choice. In fact, he doesn’t make her list. Charita faces and uphill battle, but each failure strengthens her resolve to succeed, until —the Queen Vanhi’s infant son is kidnapped!
Epi 2 — Found and Lost
Golden City descends into chaos as General Veer launches an all-out man-hunt for the infant crown prince and his kidnappers. The general and palace fort security are legendary — how did they get in? How did they slaughter his guards. This had to be an inside job. Paranoia breeds surprising accusations. The King blames Veer. Anala, the king’s cousin and trusted ally, suspects the queen herself. This audacious attack on the royal family forces Charita to put her plans on hold as she follows a clue no one else seems to recognize. The tip leads Charita back to her own room, where Anala and her guards have discovered the crown prince, safe, but hidden in her quarters. Anala orders her imprisonment. Charita realizes that she faces a specific threat and hidden enemy hiding in the castle walls.
Epi 3 — The Decoy
The king releases Charita from the dungeon almost immediately as Queen Vanhi attests to her innocence. But who’s the real kidnapper? Only recently, no one took Charita’s actions seriously — but now she’s a serious suspect in a crime against the royal family. Anala steps over a long-term grudge against Veer to urge him to have Charita watched. She also wants him to privately look into the queen’s communications. Veer believes she’s paranoid, but acquiesces. To protect the infant prince — whom she loves — Charita must find the real kidnappers, but she’s being followed. She launches her own investigation to find out who’s setting her up. Suddenly, the king discovers confidential documents— outlining political and trade agreements — missing. Simultaneously, General Veer discovers more guards slain, security documents and the queen’s precious jewels are stolen. The kidnapping and manhunt were a diversion for theft. Anala has Charita’s quarters searched — finding the queen’s gems.!
Epi 4 — Sands Through a Fist
What’s the end-game of these machinations? Who’s behind it? Who’s the inside accomplice? Anala demands that Charita be incarcerated. The king refuses. Because his rock-solid security is failing, some whisper that General Veer must be involved, even as he scrambles to understand the security breech. Charita’s investigative skills emerge. She finds out from local prostitute Damyanti that Rajendra, the exiled prince, knows all the secret passes in the Palace Fort. Charita brings her to Veer with the information. Veer is astounded. He rushes into the secret pass, discovering men — not his — inside. He kills them quickly and runs to find King Abzar. Charita chases after him. The bust into the king’s private quarters just in time to watch mercenaries murder him. Veer goes on a rampage killing the men. Charita runs to find the queen.
Epi 5 — Return of a King
Who killed the king? Shocked and grieved, General Veer puts his most trusted Royal Guard around the Queen and Crown Prince. Charita, having extracted one more secret out of Damyanti — one of Veer’s secrets — doesn’t trust him. Charita finds Jagger, who warns her to leave the palace fort and lay low. He tells her to trust Veer. Almost magically from within the palace walls, exiled Rajendra and his Strong Men return, apparently with all Gen Veer’s security secrets and a few of their own. Veer and his loyal soldiers fight them. Anala tries to intervene telling Veer to acknowledge Raj as the new king. Veer stays on the offensive until Rajendra puts a knife at Anala’s throat. Veer yields. He’s arrested and imprisoned as a traitor. Armed with knowledge she got from Damyanti, Charita hurriedly pulls the queen and prince into hiding. Raj accuses Veer of Abzar’s assassination. He sends men to look for the queen and her son who are hiding, trapped inside the palace walls.
Epi 6 — A Prayer for the Condemned
Veer is condemned to death. Rajendra’s men are closing in on the queen and her son, while others are flushing out the Royal Guardsmen who are still loyal to Veer. Charita fears for her love — Jagger, still part of the guard. He wants to flee with her, but she refuses — she will help the queen. They part, each fearing for each others’ life. Raj tells Anala he will not harm the queen or her son, they just need to acknowledge him as king. Charita learned much from Damyanti about the palace fort’s secret passages — but apparently Rajendra’s men know them, too. She narrowly avoids getting caught inside the wall, but by jumping out into a room, she’s never been in — full of gold and treasure. The jewels that Charita was falsely accused of stealing before, she steals them now, slipping back into the passage. Veer’s loyal men try to arrange a jailbreak — they are killed in front of his eyes.
Rajendra closes in on Vanhi in her hiding place. Rajendra’s men force open the panel — she’s gone. Charita takes the queen, disguised as a foreigner, to a seedy part of town, to Damyanti’s house.
Epi 7 — Unexpected Alliances
Where others failed, Anala and Damyanti succeed in breaking Veer out of jail. The queen knows that Veer will go into the wilderness and find allies. She wants to join him, but Charita refuses to allow it. She knows something about Veer that changes the game. Instead, dressed as tawaif, she returns to the palace fort and bargains with Mughals for passage to Lucknow for her and “her family.” Meanwhile, Veer begs Anala to come with him, but she insists her cover has not been broken. She returns to Rajendra. When word gets out that Veer escaped, many Golden City soldiers go AWOL running to the wilderness to join him. Veer amasses an army — or is it a band of thieves? Charita armed with money and jewels, makes the deal for discrete transportation with the Mughals. At the rendez vous location — Bhadrabahu shows up. Vanhi and he have history, both good and bad. What has Charita gotten them into?
Epi 8 — The Invisible Hand
Once in Lucknow, Charita believes she’ll have to convince the queen to restore the infant prince to the throne with Vanhi as Queen Regent. To her surprise the Vanhi agrees with her. The prince will always have a target on his back. At least if he has the throne, she will have the power to defend him. The queen sends word to Veer, without Charita’s knowledge, that they survived and are in Lucknow — a Mughal city where she has allies, including the controversial Bhadrabahu. From all outward appearances, he’s a opium-smoking playboy in the Mughal court and a disgrace to his family. Secretly, Bhad controls an Empire-wide (and profitable) spy ring. As Charita’s risk-taking succeeds in getting them to Lucknow, she’s emboldened to make a dangerous deal with the Mughal Amir. She agrees to spy for the Empire in exchange for the infant prince’s protection (and for gold). Vanhi objects, but Charita has her own agenda. So does the Amir. Charita tries to position herself to help the infant prince, Vanhi, Jagger and herself. She’s going back to Golden City.
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Syd’s Episode List Rough Draft
M2_L4
What I learned doing this assignment is that this is the most fun I’ve had yet — and I’ve been having some fun.
THE CHEAT SHEET
Beginning… Season End/Cliffhanger
Beginning of the season: Golden City thrives as city-state on a prosperous trade route in the Mughal Empire. Given good King Abzar’s economic policy, people of any class can prosper — unless you’re female, and your prosperity depends on your male relatives. An oddly educated female orphan, Charita, believes she can create her own path.
End of the season: The king is assassinated and Charita goes on the run with Queen Vanhi and the infant Crown Prince
Cliffhanger: What’s going to happen to Golden City, the Queen, the Crown Prince, to Charita and her plans
for independence, to Charita’s secret fiancé? How can a low-born female have any impact on the history unfolding?2. Season 1 Mystery Set up….. Season 1 Mystery Solved
What is the mystery? Who killed the king? Why?
How set up? King Abzar, while popular, had enemies — he controls a wealthy city-state on a trade route. Agriculture and textiles are exported. Portuguese want land. Chinese don’t want to pay Mughal taxes, some Mughal interests are jealous of his wealth, his cousin Rajendra, raised to be his successor, is supplanted when he gets remarried and has a son. Other interests?
What parts will be left out that must be solved? Many could prosper from his demise, but who actually did it?
What it the ultimate solution that the characters must work to discover? The sudden shift in power may be decoy for what’s really happening. In the meantime, a woman has to survive, but Charita wants more — she wants vengeance and to restore the Prince and Queen Regent to the throne.3. Journey begins…… Journey peaks, but continues.
Lead Character journey begins: A low-born female with no living male relatives finds herself in the affluent Golden City court favored by Queen Vanhi; Queen Vanhi plans to arrange an advantageous marriage; Charita wants to chart her own course
Lead Character journey ends for this season: Forced to run when Rajendra returns from exile to take the throne, Charita’s quest for self-determination goes into overdrive. Determined to restore the Infant Prince to the throne with Queen Vanhi as regent, she takes a dangerous job as a spy for the Amir, a politically connected Mughal.
Where does this character go in future seasons: Charita travels to the four corners of the Empire working for the Amir, but she has her own agenda — to restore the infant Crown Prince to the Golden City throne, to be united with her love, Jagger, and to have the means to be autonomous.4. ……Layer….…Layer………Layer………Layer………Layer………
Known layers (BW Framework):
Charita’s education comes from her mother who secretly was a courtesan in the Mughal court when she was younger.
Charita (secretly) is the daughter of Queen Vanhi from a secret previous marriage
General Veer (secretly) is the bastard brother of King Abzar, Abzar does not know this.
Anala, a powerful member of the royal family, knows Veer’s secret. When Abzar dies, Veer has a claim to the throne.
Anala and Veer had a past relationship, but she’s married now.
Charita is in love with the musician / soldier Jagger, but Queen Vanhi doesn’t approve.
Rajendra was raised to be Abzar’s heir, but was replaced when the king decided to marry Vanhi and had a son.
Bhadrabahu, often dismissed as an opium-using bon vivant, operates an empire-wide spy network.
Bhad is in love with Vanhi. She’ll use that.
Everyone assumed Rajendra was responsible for the assassination. He wasn’t.
Queen Vanhi has a history in Mughal court — she plans to leverage it for allies, but many in Golden City (Anala) won’t like her past.
Bhad is caught between his high-stakes spy work and protecting his father. His father disowned him when he went to work for the Mughals. His father makes a point of pissing them off.Other possible:
When Charita, goes rogue and becomes a spy for the Amir, Vanhi will demand that Bhad keep her safe. How will this affect her leverage.
Rajendra framing Charita as a jewel thief. He already has a theft habit and he’s really good.
Damyanti, a prostitute, wants to leave Golden City and become a tawaif in Mughal court.
Damyanti makes friends with Veer, plays this against Anala to get what she wants.
Rajendra becomes Damyanti’s client — is she spying for Veer or spying for Rajendra.
Veer, once respected as a law enforcer, must make black market deals to support his wilderness army. He discovers he has a knack for it.
Is Veer fighting for the infant prince or for himself?Episodes (8 to 13)
Epi 1 — Beginning of the season: Who does she think she is? Low-born woman, Charita, attempts to create her own wealth.
Epi 2 — Found and Lost. The child is found safe, but relationships are broken
Epi 3 — The kidnapping was a decoy for theft — confidential documents and crown jewels.
Epi 4 — Veer scrambles to understand the security breech, while an invisible force frames Charita. King Abzar is assassinated.
Epi 5 — Return of the King — Rajendra re-emerges with a force behind him and assumes the throne. He arrests and condemns Veer, while Charita scurries the Queen and infant Prince into hiding.
Epi 6 — Rajendra seeks to solidify his reign. He condemns Veer and closes in on the Queen and the infant.
Epi 7 — Veer is freed by unexpected rescuers and a small army of fighting me follow him into the wilderness. The Queen, infant Prince and Charita slip out of the city with the help of a controversial friend.
Epi 8 — Charita makes a deal with the Amir to be his spy in exchange for protection of the queen and prince. The queen believes the deal was unnecessary — she has her own allies in Mughal court, but Charita has her own agenda.
With each episode, make a list of bullet points that describe the most important events of that episode.
Epi 1 — Beginning of the season:
Golden City, a trade / industrial principality in the Mughal Empire, flourishes.
Good King Abzar’s economic policy, makes it possible for people of any class to prosper.
General Veer has something important to tell King Abzar, but public duties come first.
You can prosper unless you’re female. Low-born, but oddly educated Charita tries entrepreneurship and life as an artist to create her autonomy. Roadblocks are many, but by exploiting her connection to the queen she believes it’s possible.
The infant crown prince is kidnapped.Epi 2
Chaos envelops the city as the general launches massive man-hunt for the child.
King Abzar blames the usually competent General Veer. How did they get in? And slaughter his own men?
Queen Vanhi blames exiled Prince Rajendra, the king’s former heir and cousin. She becomes paranoid about who in the Palace Fort is still loyal to him.
Anala, the king’s cousin, confidant and power-broker, suspects Mughal interference or other outside forces — but they must have had inside help. She suspects the Queen.
Anala finds the child, safe, in Charita’s quarters.Epi 3
Charita is thrown in the dungeon, but the king releases her almost immediately. Queen Vanhi attests to her innocence.
Charita secretly begins her own investigation.
Seeds of distrust are planted between Queen Vanhi and Anala. Anala dares to overlook a long grudge against General Veer, to ask him to employ his spies to watch Charita. Anala overlooked the fact that Queen Vanhi was formerly a Mughal courtesan because of the Crown Prince, but now wants to know more.
The king discovers that confidential documents were taken during the chaos surrounding the search, Queen Vanhi discovers that precious gems were stolen.
Anala finds the gems in Charita’s quarters.Epi 4
Anala demands that Charita be incarcerated. The king refuses.
Allegations and whispers emerge linking the once respected and trusted Veer to the crimes.
Anala assures all that Veer is innocent. Veer tells Anala that Charita is innocent.
Veer scrambles to understand the security breech.
Charita finds out from local prostitute Damyanti that Rajendra knows all the secret passes in the Palace Fort. She brings the woman to Veer.
Veer is astounded how much info Damyanti has about how to breech the Palace Fort. Soldiers have enabled her to sneak in from every corner.
King Abzar is assassinated.Epi 5
Shocked and grieved, General Veer puts his most trusted Royal Guard around the Queen and Crown Prince.
Almost magically from within the Palace, exiled Rajendra and his Strong Men, return apparently with all Gen Veer’s security secrets.
Stripping Veer of his title, Rajendra imprisons Veer as a traitor, accusing him of Abzar’s assassination.
Charita hurriedly pulls Queen Vanhi and the infant prince into hiding.
Anala acknowledges Raj as king. He’s suspicious of her, but he’ll take it.Epi 6
Rajendra condemns Veer to death.
Charita fears for her love Jagger—one of Veer’s loyal soldier—as she tries to find a way to smuggle the queen and infant out of the city.
Charita takes them to the prostitute, Damyanti, to hide.
Rajendra tells Anala that he means no harm to the Queen or her baby. Anala goes and talks to Damyanti.
Charita pretends to be tawaif and negotiates with the Mughals to get her “family” out of Golden City. She uses the jewels that she did not steal originally, but now she has.
Many soldiers remain loyal, but when some try to assist Veer in a jail break, they are quickly killed in front of his eyes.Epi 7
Anala, with the help of the prostitute Damyanti, succeeds in rescuing Veer.
He begs her to come with him as he flees to the wilderness. She refuses, convincing him that she has not blown her cover.
In the wilderness, many AWOL soldiers join Veer. Other non-soldiers, rejecting Rajendra’s rule — nobles and criminals — go to the wilderness to join Veer. He quickly amasses a rogue army — or is it a band of thieves?
Charita bargains with the Mughal Amir. Suddenly, Bhadrabahu shows up to get the queen, the prince and Charita out of Golden City to a Mughal-controlled city (Lucknow?). Bhad and the queen have a history — both good and bad — more on that later.Epi 8
Rajendra demands to know how Veer escaped. Anala diverts suspicion by blaming one of his own henchmen. Raj kills the man viciously in front of her.
Rajendra realizes that Golden City is not embracing him as a benevolent leader — Anala pledges to help him change his image.
Charita continues to negotiate with the Amir for protection of the queen and prince.
Veer plans revenge, as Anala finds a way to communicate with him (via Damyanti).
The queen tells Charita that she has her own allies in Mughal court, but Charita makes a deal to spy for the Empire in exchange for help (and gold). Charita has her own agenda. -
Syd’s Five Seasons
Brainstorm to find the arc of the entire journey, from Season One to Five.
Establish an end point for Season 5, then work backwards.
Where do you want these characters to go?
Locals (nobility and commoners), Portuguese, Chinese, Mughals fight for control over the Golden City — strategic both in trade and defense.
Charita starts with just wanting autonomy, a voice — goes toward having power and realizing that it’s not just about her. She has to fight for others.
What is the furthest extreme of the main character’s character arc?
She starts by believing she can maintain her integrity in this “game.” She’ll kill, betray, seduce to get power, but then realizes her compromises/choices can disempower her, put her loved one’s at risk and alienate the man she loves. Having power to make choices means she can choose to become someone she hates.
How far can your main plot line go?
From political assassination to all out war.
What is the entire show mystery and how can it play out across five seasons?
Who killed Abzar starting this fight?
SEASON 1 START: Charita, a low-born village girl without male relatives finds favor in with Queen Vanhi the Golden City court. When the king is assassinated, she must go on the run with the queen and the infant crown prince.
Notes: Queen Vanhi plans to find her a kind and wealthy husband. Charita wants to choose her own path.
SEASON 5 END: A powerful spy master, Charita solves the murder conspiracy and restores the crown prince to his throne with Queen Vanhi as regent. She uses her secrets, wealth and influence to keep competing powers in check.
Notes: Others wielding influence (and poss0ible competing powers) are Veer, Bhadrabahu, the Amir and Vanhi. Also, Portuguese and Chinese.
2. Brainstorm the Stair Step version.
Charita
Season 1: Educated village girl dares to get a job (spy), seek influence <div>
Season 2: Novice spy risks her life to protect the infant king
Season 3: Maturing spy, brokers a deal with the Portuguese; Amir double crosses starting a war Season 4: Sent into the field again with the Chinese, she warns them of the Amir’s treachery; she’s taken captive
Season 5: Master spy is instrumental at restoring the crown prince to the Golden City throne
3. For each season, brainstorm the Building Blocks.
Season 1: Who does she think she is?
A. High Concept or major hook of the season: Low-born female earns gold. </div><div>
B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From artistic village girl with no male relatives to spy employed by the Mughal Amir.
C. Main Conflict: Female fighting her way into any kind of employment in the middle ages and proving her worth.
D. Mystery/Open Loops: Unwanted surprises — what compromises will she have to make as a spy? Will she have to seduce? To kill?
E. Cliffhanger: The Amir promises her riches if she succeeds, but also threatens the safety / future of Queen Vanhi and the Prince if she fails.
Season 2: The Babe that would be King
A. High Concept or major hook of the season: Charita survives in the spy trade without getting killed (or raped), but will that pit her against her brother. </div><div>
B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From novice spy to proving her worth.
C. Main Conflict: In her new role, will she be pitted against the people she’s trying to save — Queen Vanhi and the Infant Prince.
D. Mystery/Open Loops: Is Veer a contender? If she’s pitted against Veer, is she harming Jagger who fights with him? If Abzar is really dead, who’s next in line? Rajendra? A Mughal vassal?
E. Cliffhanger: Will Anala expose Veer’s connection to Abzar?
Season 3: Savages come from the West
A. High Concept or major hook of the season: Charita is sent to spy on a Mughal enemy — the Portuguese. </div><div>
B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: Charita brokers a deal with the Portuguese that benefits the Mughals without endangering Jagger (who’s with Veer). From competent spy to her own agenda.
C. Main Conflict: Who’s going to benefit from Portuguese trade — Mughals, Veer’s wilderness bandits or Rajendra?
D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will Charita be caught by the Portuguese? Will she have to seduce the Portuguese captain? Will she locate her lover (and secret fiancé) in the wilderness?
E. Cliffhanger: Charita successfully brokers a trade deal with the Portuguese Captain and brings him to the Amir. The Amir slaughters the captain and his men (the Amir’s plan all along) making Charita complicit. Did Charita just start a war?
Season 4: The Ancient Ones bring Ships
A. High Concept or major hook of the season: Charita sent to uncover the plans of Chinese traders </div><div>
B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: Charita moves from pawn to wielding leverage; she’s more powerful, but Bhad’s ability to protect her is diminished
C. Main Conflict: Charita vs. her Mughal employer, she will to longer act blindly on Mughal orders
D. Mystery/Open Loops: Charita made inroads into the Mughal court so that the Amir no longer pulls her strings, but how is she going to re-establish relations with the Portuguese? Who is the invisible forcer protecting her at court?
E. Cliffhanger: Charita brokers a deal with the Chinese, but this time, she makes them aware of the Amir treachery — the Chinese take her captive
Season 5: The Invisible Hand
A. High Concept or major hook of the season: Charita turns the tables on the Amir </div><div>
B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From Chinese prisoner to to Mughal spy master (or is she)
C. Main Conflict: Charita battles for power within the Mughal court; externally, she fights herself into position to take Golden City back from Rajendra
D. Mystery/Open Loops: The Infant Prince is still living in exile, how can she restore him to the throne, especially if she’s not sure if the increasingly powerful Veer is on their side; it appears he’s making a claim for the throne
E. Cliffhanger: Abzar’s assassin is revealed (it’s not Rajendra)! What does this mean for the Infant Prince? For Rajendra?
4. Saving the descriptions for later. Got to catch up.
</div>
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Charita
START: A low-born village girl becomes an educated artist in the Golden City court, the ward of Queen Vanhi. They spar over Charita’s desire for self-determination until the King’s assassination forces them to run with the infant prince.
MIDDLE: As they seek allies in the Mughal court. Charita agrees to become a spy for the Amir.
ENDING: She makes a dangerous choice that gives her power, money and some autonomy, but she puts herself, the Queen and the Crown Prince on the line.
Charita Edited
Whispers swirl around Charita, a young, independent artist in the (non-Mughal) Golden City court. A dancer and writer, she passionately consumes books, but with her penchant for performing, some accuse her of being tawaif or a Mughal courtesan. The truth: she’s a low-born village girl educated by a mysterious mother. She assumed that, like her mother, she would make her own decisions, but when her father died the reality of being female in the Mughal Empire (circa 1565) slapped her in the face. Societal expectations charged in — but, without asking permission, Charita reinvented herself as an orphaned aristocrat, quickly learning such choices have consequences — even with the favor of Queen Vanhi. But she’ll take intellectual and creative freedom over an arranged marriage.
But when the king, who was like a second father, is assassinated, she’s forced to go on the run with the Queen and the infant crown prince. Driven by vengeance and justice, she searches for a way to create her own power and wealth. The Mughal Amir offers them political asylum if she will spy for the Empire. Queen Vanhi objects, but Charita sees the dangerous assignment as an opportunity. This is her chance to fulfill purpose — and build wealth — while positioning herself to restore the crown prince to the Golden City throne.
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Rajendra
START: Raised to be King’s successor, his own father manipulated and betrayed him. His father’s bid for power sent Raj down an evil path landing him prison and, later, exile — but not before he turned the tables. His father was executed for his betrayal. Raj longs for the days when King Abzar esteemed him and believed in him as the future king.
MIDDLE: When King Abzar is assassinated, he returns to claim the throne. A student of his father, Raj knows how to seize power. Fewer people welcome him than expected, and, importantly, the Mughal Empire, which he considered a personal ally is not quick to recognize his authority.
ENDING: Alliances diverge across the Empire as people believe Raj will kill the infant crown prince, like he did the king — but Raj didn’t kill King Abzar. Only Raj and the murder know he’s innocent.
Rajendra Edited:
Raised to be King’s successor, Rajendra’s own father manipulates him, sending him down an evil path. Instead of ensuring his ascension, his acts got him thrown in prison and, later, exile — but not before Raj turned the tables. His father was executed. Raj longs for the days when King Abzar esteemed him. He was often the only one who believed in Raj as successor. An abused child himself, Raj shows empathy for exploited people often winning the admiration of women — or are they seeking to manipulate him?
When King Abzar is assassinated, he returns to claim the throne. Raj learned from his father, and knows how to seize control, surprising many. Fewer people welcome him than he needs to secure power, but he’ll work with it. Importantly, the Mughal Empire, which he considered a personal ally, is slow to recognize his authority. Alliances diverge across the Empire as people believe Raj will kill the infant crown prince, like he did the king — but Raj didn’t kill King Abzar. Only Raj and the murder know he’s innocent.
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Veer
START: Highly skilled warrior and leader of soldiers, Veer’s espionage skills are not to be underestimated. He’s got a big secret he wants to share with his best friend, but King Abzar is murdered on his watch. Justice and revenge begin to merge.
MIDDLE: Usurper Rajendra imprisons Veer as a traitor. Many soldiers, now in Raj’s army, are still loyal to Veer, but are killed if they try to help him. His disgruntled ex-lover, Anala (and the only other person who knows his secret), arranges his escape. She helps him rebuild his spy network in Golden City, and extend it to other areas in the Empire, including the Mughal court.
ENDING: Former soldiers, mercenaries and sell-swords follow Veer into the wilderness. No longer a general, he leads an army — but unlike before, he has to pay for it. He’s a man of honor, but will he have to compromise to fund this war? Is this war to support the infant crown prince, or for revenge? Will his secret impact his loyalties?
Veer Edited:
A highly skilled warrior and leader of soldiers, General Veer commands respect. Fiercely loyal to the king, Abzar trusts Veer like family, maybe even more so. It’s not misplaced. Veer would die for him. Yet, Veer’s allegiance is not about honor or duty. They share a connection unknown to Abzar. Veer seeks to reveal their shared blood, but King Abzar is murdered — on his watch. Justice and revenge begin to merge.
This is shock. How did they get past Veer’s formidable security and spy network. Before he can launch an investigation, the usurper, Rajendra, imprisons Veer, labelling him traitor. Many soldiers, now in Raj’s army, are still loyal to Veer, but if they try to help him — they’re killed. Only his aggrieved ex-lover, Anala (and the only other person who knows his secret), can arrange his escape. She helps him rebuild his spy network in Golden City, and extend it to other areas in the Empire, including the Mughal court. Former soldiers, mercenaries and sell-swords follow Veer into the wilderness. No longer a general, yet he leads an army — but unlike before, he has to pay for it. He’s a man of honor, but will he have to compromise to fund this war? Will his secret impact his loyalties? Is this war to support the infant crown prince, or for revenge? Or something else?
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Syd’s Intriguing Concept and World
What I learned doing this assignment is that this story has many angles to pitch — I must find the most important.
Present your Concept. <div>
A. Charita, a low-born, yet mysteriously educated young woman, goes on the run when her step-father, the king, is assassinated
B. … she decides to choose her own path, including whom she’ll love (in a time and place that doesn’t permit women to do that)…
C. …by becoming a Mughal spy disguised as tawaif (a courtesan) to fight the usurper…
D. …and grows from powerless, naive upstart to a influential spy master able to wield justice for others.
2. Tell us the World of this show.
Unique sub-world: The Mughal Empire, circa 1565, the wealthy center of global trade and a collection of diverse principalities; </div>
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Previously unexplored: A female spy within the Mughal court which features specialized female artists / courtesans known as tawaif (analogous to Japanese geisha).
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>The unknown: In a time when women are viewed as objects, entertainment or slaves, how will a female spy navigate the intrigue of Mughal court, Portuguese and Chinese cultures, cut-throat international trade and the various Principalities within the Mughal Empire.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>The unseen: Every side has a hidden agenda — political, industrial and territorial — for which they’re willing to kill, including her employer.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Unheard of dangers: How can she survive, and more so, gain leverage without one party deciding she’s expendable? Will she be expected to seduce? To kill?
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Reason to explore it: It’s a path for a low-born woman to gain wealth and choice.
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Syd’s is ready for feedback!
I’m a little behind, but I was directing a one-act for a theatre festival — and that was in first position. I look forward to communicating (efficiently). Cheers!
What I learned from doing this assignment is how to organize elements concisely. (Who am I kidding, there’s a lot of stuff I left out.)
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Syd’s Creating Irony!
M1_L11 Discovering Irony (Assig 2)
What I learned doing this assignment is that a lot of irony is already built into the tension.
Situational
Charita is educated and trained to be an artist in a world that won’t allow her to become one.
Vanhi doesn’t want her son to become king because it’s dangerous and political. But if she abdicates on his behalf, he’ll likely be assassinated to prevent any future claim.
Charita had been falsely accused of being a tawaif (Mughal courtesan), to save her brother (and secure her autonomy), she’ll become one (or at least pretend to be one).
Rajendra was exiled because he claimed Charita was tawaif (and he tried to rape her). How will he react when he discovers that she is one (or appears to be)?
Bhad helps Vanhi make alliances with key Mughal power players. She begins to undermine him / replace his influence in those relationships.
Rajendra’s father, Narendra, manipulated him to do bad things that would ensure he inherit the throne after Abzar. Narendra’s meddling got him executed and got Rajendra exiled.
Anala tried for years to get Abzar married and producing an heir. Now, she doesn’t want his son to inherit the throne.
Anala has held a grudge against Veer for years — they used to be lovers. If he had revealed his relationship to Abzar, he would have been embraced as noble and they could have been married. He believed that would be dishonorable. Now she wants him to reveal it, so he can take the throne, even though she’s married to someone else. He’s still refusing.
In an effort to force his hand, Anala reveals, in Mughal court, his true identity. Rajendra accuses Veer of assassinating Abzar and Veer is branded a criminal.
Veer was supporting the infant crown prince’s claim to the throne. Now, Vanhi believes he’s an enemy to her and Abzar’s son.
Jagger, his friend Sugith, and many of the honorable soldiers loyal to Abzar and the infant king have joined Veer in the wilderness. They’re viewed as outlaws.
Bhad is in love with Vanhi. She uses that to her advantage. When he becomes Charita’s handler, the tables are turned.
In her role as spy, the Amir has Charita negotiate a trade agreement with the Portuguese captain. She brings him to the Amir and the Mughals kill all the Portuguese. She was used for a set up.
Charita is sent to make an offer of an alliance to the Chinese traders. She warns them of the Amir’s treachery. The Chinese take her captive.
Damyanti makes it clear to Veer that she’s interested in him more than as a client. Meanwhile, back at the palace for, she becomes Rajendra’s confidant and harlot. Is she spying on Raj for Veer, or Veer for Raj — or does she have another agenda entirely.
Character
One reason Charita wants her independence so that she’s free to choose whom she will love — Jagger as her husband / lover. By becoming a courtesan (pretending to be one), she might lose him.
Charita’s believes she’s found the perfect compromise — she will use her abilities as a dancer and performer to earn a substantial living. As she’s a spy, she believes her handler, Bhad, will make sure she’s not taken as a courtesan — but what compromises will she be forced to make as a spy? Will she lie, deceive, poison or become her target’s lover?
Rajendra wants to secure his claim to the throne, but he doesn’t want to murder his infant cousin.
Veer wanted to reveal to Abzar that he was his half brother (not to demand his birthright, just between the two of them). When Abzar’s killed, it’s too late.
Damyanti, a social climbing prostitute helps Anala free Veer. Anala, who is now married, claims to no longer have personal interest in Veer — yet, she becomes jealous when she sees how Veer and Damyanti interact.
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Syd’s Plot and Character Layers (Assig. 2)
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>M1_L10_Creating Intriguing Layers
What I learned doing this assignment is that the story is starting to write itself.
3. Organize them each into a possible sequence of reveals.
Plot Surface: In Golden City, a prosperous trading hub, Charita celebrates the birth of her cousin with Queen Vanhi, her aunt. A well-educated intellect and artist, Charita hopes her auntie will now stop resisting her marriage to Jagger, the soldier who saved her from rape by the King’s cousin Rajendra. Now exiled, Rajendra was the King’s only heir and tried to prevent the marriage by falsely claiming they were unworthy courtesans (tawaif). General Veer continues insisting on vigilance to the point of paranoia.
Layer 1: Queen Vanhi concedes to her wish when suddenly King Abzar is assassinated. Rajendra returns stealthy to the Palace Fort with an army of strongmen. Holding Charita responsible for his exile, she, Queen Vanhi and the infant crown prince flee the city.
Layer 2: Queen Vanhi finds friends in the Mughal Emperor’s court in Lucknow, though the alliance comes with a price. Charita and Jagger pledge their love before they’re separated. Vanhi’s ally, Bhadrabahu, is of questionable character, but effective. She doesn’t want her son to become king of Golden City, but she believes if she doesn’t fight for it, he will always have a target on his back. Charita is not cousin to the crown prince, she’s his sister (but that’s a secret and a whole other story).
Layer 3: Anala, the king’s cousin welcomes Rajendra, supporting his bid for the throne. He’s suspicious of her, but will take it. Veer is stripped of his title, imprisoned and sentenced to death. Anala arranges Veer’s escape. Veer is recked by guilt because not only did the King die on his watch, his is the king’s bastard half brother. He regrets not telling him while he lived. If he tells anyone now, people will think he was responsible for the assassination.
Layer 4: Bhad wields far more power in the Empire than he lets on — running a large network of spies. He wants Queen Vanhi, she knows it and will use that. He’s expecting her to manipulate him, but he’s got many agendas and Golden City is strategic for the Empire.
Layer 5: The Portuguese have come to trade. The Amir has correctly discerned that they want to invade/colonize/take territory. In order to gain her own autonomy and to buy protection and support from the Mughals, Charita agrees to spy on the Portuguese — disguised as tawaif. Master manipulator Bhad will be her liaison and protector in the field.Character Surface: Charita is an educated, privileged artist in the royal family who fell in love with a soldier.
Layer 1: Hidden Agenda — In this world, females are not free to make an impact on the world and choose who they will love. Charita has other plans.
Layer 2: Secret Character History — she’s actually a village girl, raised to be an artist and, like her mother, reinvented herself when she came to Golden City.
Layer 3: Intrigue — she can play the role of courtesan — she can dance, sing, write and perform poetry — though she’s not actually been one. How far will she have to go to get what she wants.
Layer 4: Wound — her father died, and now her father figure and protector, King Abzar has been murdered
Layer 5: Secret Identity — becomes a spy, pretends to be a tawaif; has the artistic training, but not the experience with men -
Syd’s Big Picture Open Loops (M1_L9_Open Loops, Assig. 1&2)
What I learned doing this assignment is that my characters’ open loops overlap in many instances — affecting the other characters, their goals and the plot.
ASSIGNMENT 1
Think about your Example Show. Make a list of the Big Picture open loops that were established early in the season.
From the perspective of only having info from episodes 1- 8.
His predecessor was murdered, how will the honorable Ned Stark fare as hand of the king? His daughter is betrothed to the crown prince — will that protect her or put her in danger? In investigates his predecessor’s death?
Will Jaime and Cersei get caught? Will he kill more to cover their secret? Will Jaime come to justice? What will happen to their children?
Will Bran die? If he wakes will he remember? Catelyn investigates the attempts (2) on Bran’s life, blames the Lannisters, takes Tyrion hostage.
Questions about King Robert’s successor arise as Varys warns Ned that Robert’s life is in danger.
Who is Jon Snow’s Mother?
Will Viserys / the Targaryens attempt to regain the throne succeed? What will happen to young Daenerys forced to marry a war Lord? She’s pregnant — now there’s a legacy.
What are White Walkers and how do they make men come back from the dead becoming killer zombies? How many are there?
2. Watch the next episode and see how those open loops are being used to create the need to see future episodes.
Epi. 9 is devastating —
With King Robert helped to a hunting accident and a betrayal by Little Finger, Ned is falsely branded a traitor, but confesses to protect his daughters. Joffrey has him executed anyway. This plunges the seven kingdoms into war.
Cersei and Jaime’s secret is revealed, but she manages to dismiss it as ploy by Ned to steal the throne. Joffrey becomes king — what will that mean for the seven kingdoms.
Bran awakes, crippled. He can’t remember — but Catelyn’s investigation leads to Jaime’s attack on Ned. His men are killed. Battle between the Wolf and Lion is official.
Jon is trapped at the Wall as his brother goes to war. The only person who knew who his mother was is dead.
Viserys pushed Drogo’s buttons and is now dead, yet Daenerys seek the seven kingdoms for her unborn son. A failed assassination attempt by King Robert’s minions has motivated Drogo to send his army to win the seven kingdoms. The Targaryen bid is on.
Rangers disappear. The corpses of dead rangers come back to life and try to kill Commander Mormont — the White Walker problem grows.
ASSIGNMENT 2:
1. Use this list to brainstorm big picture open loops for your first season that you will use to keep the audience captivated.
GOALS:
New goals?
Charita wants an opportunity to make her mark as an artist, as a political player.
Bhad wants to expand his influence, wealth and power — and now he also wants Vanhi.
Rajendra wants to be king of Golden City, he wants that without bloodshed
Goals related to the big picture?
Rajendra believes the throne is his and the Mughals will recognize this.
Crushed goals?
Abzar wants to broker peace between the Mughals and Portuguese — making his kingdom richer and saving his own soldiers. He’ll die before this happens.
Veer wants to reveal that he is Abzar’s bastard brother.
If Veer, had revealed his birthright when he was younger, Anala believes that she would have married him.
Charita doesn’t want the life of a tawaif. She does want a Jagger and a family. She’s the only one who believes she can have it all in this world.
Competition / conflict around goals?
Anala wants Veer to assume the throne. An infant king cannot rule, and it would give Vanhi, it’s mother, too much power.
Veer wants vengeance for Abzar’s murder. He still carries a torch for Anala, the one who knows his secret. Revealing his relationship to Abzar could also make him a suspect in his murder, especially if he aims for the throne.
CONSEQUENCES:
Are they going to be caught?
Rajendra’s theft habit. Bhad has started to suspect him — but why would he do it?
Charita spying on the Portuguese for the Mughals.
Veer, driven by vengeance / revenge, leads an army, now considered a band of outlaws, stealing to fund his quest against Rajendra.
Problems created from past actions?
Charita’s hidden her choices from both her mother, who lives in a Mughal stronghold, and Jagger, who follows Veer (freedom fighter / outlaws) and is working with the Portuguese.
Veer has hidden his true parentage from everyone except Anala. Revealing it now, makes him look like a suspect in Abzar’s murder.
Bhad has spent years developing a lucrative business and a spy network for the Mughal Amir. When the Amir sees that Bhad has feelings for Vanhi, he wants to use that to his advantage AND / OR the Amir suspects that Vanhi may be influencing Bhad to do her bidding.
Rajendra is continually associated with his executed father, and unfairly blamed for many things. Others take advantage of this, including sometimes Raj himself. Does he work to prove his innocence or does he embrace the role of villain?
Good plans gone wrong?
Charita’s employment by the Mughals, puts her at odds with Jagger; when she chooses not to follow Mughal orders, she puts her Mother/infant brother at risk.
SOLVING PROBLEMS:
What is the major problem for this character?
Charita has taken a job spying for the Mughals in exchange for them protecting the infant. Is she working for the government that killed the boy’s father? What compromises will she have to make to succeed?
What are they trying to solve?
Charita wants peace between the Mughals and the Portuguese — that’s what the Mughals say they want, but is it that their agenda.
Everyone believes Rajendra was behind Abzar’s murder. He and the murderer are the only ones who knows otherwise. Who’s the real killer? What was his / her motive?
Major change imposed on character?
Charita’s, Vanhi’s, Anala’s, Veer’s worlds are turned upside down when Abzar is assassinated; each is scrambling for their own future, but also the future of the Golden City and those they care about.
Previous solutions cause new problems?
Taking a job with the Mughals makes Charita their ally and protector of her baby brother (in addition to giving her other things that she wants), but this job / relationship comes with a whole lot of strings.
RELATIONSHIPS:
Relationships in peril?
Charita’s secret new career move puts marriage to Jagger on hold.
New relationships forming?
Damyanti helps Veer escape the dungeon. Does she want more than a pay-off?
Damyanti becomes Rajendra’s confidant and prostitute. She knows how to manipulate him.
Conflict inside relationships?
Veer and Anala were in a relationship in the past. Is she using him for her agenda or does she still have feelings?
Rajendra thought the Amir considered him an ally and Golden City’s heir apparent — he’s learning the hard way that political friendships come at a price.
Relationships changing?
Vanhi wants the best for her daughter, and, therefore, does not allow Charita the freedom / choices that she herself exercises. Charita, taking a job as a Mughal spy, no longer takes orders from her mother.
Bhad and Vanhi have a history of cat and mouse — her new role as mother of the would-be king, now gives her more power than Bhad would like.
DANGER / SURVIVAL / RISKS:
Can they survive X?
Mughal forces launch a surprise attack the Portuguese, while Charita and Bhad are with them. Will Charita survive? This caught Bhad off-guard? Did the Amir / someone else double-cross him?
Putting themselves in danger / making dangerous decisions?
Charita decided to become a spy, on the surface “to pay” for her baby brother’s protection, beneath the surface — she wants autonomy, she wants to use the skills / talents she has, to create her own wealth; she wants to act in a way that creates a meaningful change in her world; she naive — there’s a lot that’s going to come at her that she isn’t expecting
Who else is pulled into their danger?
Charita’s actions, at different times, pull everyone into danger — Jagger, Bhad, Vanhi, her infant brother, Rajendra, all of Golden City
Internal dangers (drug addiction, need for medicine, inner demons)?
Many Portuguese are developing a taste for opium with Bhad’s encouragement. He’s encouraged the Amir to dabble in it thinking the Amir would be easier to manipulate — but that backfired. Bhad skillfully hides his own addiction.
2. Tell us your top 5-8 Big Picture Open Loops that could be in your pilot.
Charita’s decision to become a spy and her corresponding actions, at different times, pull everyone into danger — Jagger, Bhad, Vanhi, her infant brother, Rajendra, all of Golden City.
Crushed Goal: Veer wants to reveal that he is Abzar’s bastard brother. Must avenge his brother.
Rajendra wants the Golden City Throne (he wants love and vindication). Abzar believed in him as heir. His own, now executed, father sought to manipulate him. Now he must have the throne to prove himself, believing it will justify his existence.
Bhad (secretly) wants it all — wealth, power and Vanhi. As he grasps for one, he loses another.
Damyanti’s desire to pull herself up will have consequences for everyone.
Vanhi doesn’t want her son to be king — but the only way she can ensure that he lives to a ripe old age is to make sure he sits on the throne.
Taking a job with the Mughals makes Charita their ally and protector of her baby brother (in addition to giving her other things that she wants), but this job / relationship comes with a whole lot of strings.
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Syd’s Show Mysteries (TVBC M1_L8 Inviting Obsession Through Mystery, Assign. 1&2)
What I learned doing this assignment is that the mystery is a big picture question affecting every character and driving their behavior and audience engagement. I want to spend more time on this.
ASSIGNMENT 1: GoT, epi 8
Watch the next episode of your Example Show and focus on the mysteries that have been created in that show. Also, notice the difference between the big picture mysteries that are a big part of the plot across the entire season versus the smaller mysteries.
Small mysteries (from Episode)
What will happen to Ned?
Will Arya escape? What will happen to Sansa?
Will Tyrion survive the front lines?
Dany shows compassion to captured villagers — will she be able to assert and uphold her authority with Dothraki soldiers?Big Picture mysteries
Dead rangers come back to life as killer Wights — how did they get this way? What’s happening north of the wall? Are there more? How many?
Will Drogo cross the sea with his Dothraki hoard or will he succumb to his injury
Will young Robb be able to rescue his father and defend the North? Who will prevail in Lannister vs. Stark?
(Having watched the series already — some of the small mysteries created series wide implications, others turn into Big Picture mysteries.<div>ASSIGNMENT 2:
Create two mysteries for your show — one that shows up strong in the Pilot and the other that is revealed over time.
1. Create your Shocking Event Mystery and tell us the WWWWW and H, along with the part withheld.
Shocking Event: The King’s infant son is kidnapped; guards and nanny’s alike are brutally murdered
B. Secret: Who would want to kidnap the crown prince? How would they gain access to him within the well-guarded palace fort?
C. Investigation:
Who: Crown prince
What: Kidnapped (not killed)
When: He’s 1 year-old
Where: Heavily armed Palace Fort
Part Withheld:
Why: Why did this happen? There are a number of enemies and a number of motives to choose from. Was it simply for ransom? Was it Rajendra, the exiled cousin, who was King Abzar’s successor before he remarried and had a son? Was this a Mughal plot to gain control of lucrative trade through Golden City? Or a trade partner — Portugal, China?
How: This is an embarrassment for King Abzar’s loyal general, Veer. In addition to his faithful guards, he also has a superior network of spies. This is an inside job. Some whisper that the general, himself, must be involved and if they knew his secret, he would be condemned.
2. Create the Over Time Mystery and tell us the WWWWW and H, along with the part withheld.
A. Cover up: The kidnapping was only a diversion — precious gems and many scrolls were stolen while they scrabbled to recover the infant
B. Secret: What were the kidnappers really after that they would risk doing something so drastic
C. Reveals: Rajendra, though exiled, may be involved. Anala, though family member and the king’s confident, may have an unintentional connection to what happened; Veer wants to tell King Abzar his secret — but if he does it now, it will make him look like a suspect
Who — infant crown prince
What — what were they after in the king’s documents, that prompted this drastic measure; why did the caught kidnapper commit suicide
When: Mughal Empire, circa 1567; the infant crown prince is one-year old. Just after Vanhi finally consents to allow Charita to marry Jagger.
Where: Golden City Palace Fort<div>Part Withheld:
Who: Who did it?
How: How did they get in?
Why: Money? Succession rights? The kidnappers were after something else.
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Syd’s Show Empathy/Distress (TVBC M1, L7)
What I learned doing this assignment is how to layer the angst, finding out what drives my characters and letting the drive themselves into impossible situations.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
Watch the next episode of your Example Show and focus on the Empathy/Distress that shows up in this episode and throughout the season so far. GoT, epi. 7
A. Undeserved misfortune.
Cersei’s children — they didn’t asked to be born of incest, but now their lives and futures are on the line because of it
Dany is targeted by assassin because she’s the mad king’s daughter, she’s married to a war lord and she’s pregnant; King Robert will not stop trying to kill her
Even though Ned is honorable and showed mercy to Cersei and her children, he is arrested and falsely branded a traitorB. External Character conflicts.
Cersei vs. Ned, now that he knows her secret
Lannisters vs. Stark, once Ned is imprisoned
Baratheon Brothers vs. each other now that Robert is deadC. Plot intruding on life.
Ned wanted to give Cersei time to escape before telling Robert, Robert dies before he can
There will be no clean succession now
Assassination attempt against Dani actually moves her closer to her goal, as her husband is inspired to cross the sea with his army
Ned expects the City Guard to back him up, Little Finger double-crossed himD. Moral dilemmas.
Giving Cersei and her children time to escape, opened the door for Ned (and his family) to be betrayed
Getting help from any faction requires Ned to betray the true line of succession and his deceased friend, King RobertE. Forced decisions they’d never make.
Ned confesses to being a traitor even though it’s a lie and an affront to his honor, but he does so to save his daughter<div>
ASSIGNMENT 2:
1. Make a list of BIG PICTURE difficult situations and decisions your characters could make because of the main conflict of this series.
Just ask: “Knowing the concept, what are the big picture Empathy/Distress situations that could occur?”
A. Undeserved misfortune.
Infant king orphaned and his usurper wants him dead; Charita orphaned twice
Charita forced into spying for the Mughal Emperor to protect her brother — unable to tell her mother or her betrothed, Jagger
Charita is educated and seeking to prove herself — there’s no place for female ambition in a medieval patriarchy
Rajendra was raised to be king; he believes that he was usurped when the king married again, producing an infant son
Rajendra — abused, manipulated by his power-seeking father
Veer — illegitimate son of royalty, can’t / won’t claim his birth right; his brother died before he could tell him of their relationship
Bhadrabahu — disowned by his own Father (whom he secretly supports financially) </div>B. External Character conflicts.
Charita — her desire to fight for her brother / make her mark (as a politician and artist) leads her to chose to spy for the Mughals disguised as a tawaif (courtesan), this puts her at odds with the love of her life, Jagger
Rajendra — intentional battle with anyone who challenges his claim to the throne (especially Veer, Vanhi, Charita and all those who support Abzar’s infant son as king)
Rajendra — unintentionally, he wants popularity and the approval of people as their ruler; secret stealing makes him feel in control and makes him see others as vulnerable like himself
Veer — Rajendra caused him pain (he believes) by killing the king on Veer’s watch, Veer wants to return the favor and now he’s no longer under the rule of law or king
Bhadrabahu — betrayed / used by Vanhi, the woman he loves; he tries to undermine her while stopping her from undermining him; it’s a game they’ve both been playing since they were youngC. Plot intruding on life.
Charita — while she’s spying for the Mughals, undercover as a tawaif / courtesan, she crosses paths with Jagger, the love of her life, who is working with Veer; he misunderstands what she’s doing; she can’t reveal she’s a spy.
Rajendra — planning to execute Veer now that he’s in power, but Veer has too many friends, Raj has too few; Raj expected the Mughals to be on his side as the true ruler of Golden City — but Anala, Bhad, Vanhi and Charita are working against him in the Mughal court
Veer — No longer the king’s general, Veer finds himself leading a band of outlaws; he now has to find a way to fund his “army” (he needs money)
Bhadrabahu — Bhad has power and friendship with the Mughals — Vanhi competes with him for influence over the AmirD. Moral dilemmas.
Charita — She’s a spy, disguised as a courtesan — men will have expectations of her, will she be able to keep her boundaries?
Rajendra — does not want to murder an infant (his cousin) to secure his throne, it will never be secure otherwise; his father would have done it — he doesn’t want to be his father
Veer — Anala, his former lover, has gained power with the Mughals and deceased King Abzar’s allies; she wants Veer (bastard prince) to be the king; also, he must choose between revenge vs justice, between listening to Anala (love) vs. installing Abzar’s son on the throne (loyalty), between being honorable vs. doing what it takes to get rid of Rajendra — yes, he’s willing to fight, but there are compromises he doesn’t want to make
Bhadrabahu — if he fails to protect Charita while she’s undercover, Vanhi (her mother) will never forgive him — she might even take revengeE. Forced decisions they’d never make
Charita — while she’s undercover with tawaif, she chooses to succumb — why? Because it gets her something she wants (versus something the Mughals want), autonomy, saves Jagger.
Rajendra — the more he tries to assert authority, the more he becomes like his father who betrayed him
Veer — He makes deals with enemies (Portuguese, Chinese, etc) to fund his army; will he have to betray the infant king to unseat Rajendra; he resorts to theft against his own honor/integrity — though many see him as a Robin Hood
Bhadrabahu — will he have to choose between his Father and Vanhi? -
Syd’s Show Relationship Map_M1—L6 (Assignments 1 and 2)
4. What I learned doing this assignment is that my characters have been hiding some of their past from me.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
Watch the next episode of your Example Show and focus on ONE of the main characters and how they interact with others. Notice how much you discover that could go into their Relationship Map.
Create a Relationship Map for one lead character and their relationship with three others.
Purpose: Give you a deeper experience of the relationships in a well written show.
Net to Cersei
Surface: Wife of the King whom he serves
Common Ground: Both love their children; loyalty
Conflict: Lannisters killed Jon Arryn
History: Daughter betrothed to her son; Lannisters sat out Robert’s Rebellion
Subtext: Distrust, not so veiled threats
Relationship Arc: Disdain to veiled threats to overt threats to ????
Ned to Robert
Surface: King whom he serves
Common Ground: Both sense a threat to Robert (and to Ned)
Conflict: Robert is shirking his duty as king
History: Like brothers, friends who fought the war together
Subtext: Ned cleans up after a reckless king
Relationship Arc: Brothers in battle to uneasy politicos; loyalty costs Ned
Ned to Daenerys
Surface: Enemy (daughter of a defeated enemy)
Common Ground: See the conflict as distant; don’t wish ill on the other
Conflict: As daughter of the defeated king, her son has a claim
History: Her father killed his father and brother
Subtext: Ned doesn’t want to be enemies with Targaryens
Relationship Arc: Protects her from a distance to secrets buried with him
ASSIGNMENT 2:
1. Create a Relationship Map for THREE lead characters from YOUR SHOW IDEA.
2. Relationship map—main character:
Charita to Jagger
Surface: Betrothed, lover
Common Ground: Agree that Charita’s infant brother is the true king/heir
Conflict: He wants to marry and have her wait in safety; she’s got other plans
History: As a musician or soldier, her mother rejected him; he saved her from rape; she defended him
Subtext: Each wants the other safe; each is planning to take risks without the other knowing
Relationship Arc: From inexperienced sweethearts to jilted lovers to mature lovers recognizing the risks
Charita to Rajendra
Surface: Enemies
Common Ground: Both raised to be leaders/educated; both have something to prove to parents
Conflict: She = her infant brother is king; He = I am king
History: He attempted to rape her in order to discredit her as a courtesan
Subtext: Competitors
Relationship Arc: From enemies to uneasy allies
Charita to Bhadrabahu
Surface: Employee / Boss
Common Ground: Working covertly to protect her infant bro and restore him to the throne
Conflict: She’s a spy, he’s her contact/liaison, but she can’t trust him
History: He’s in love with her mother; he’ll put her at a disadvantage to get what he wants
Subtext: On the same side, but each knows their agendas are not aligned
Relationship Arc: Admiration to distrust to respect
3. Relationship maps—second lead character and the third lead character.
Bhadrabahu to Vanhi
Surface: Old friends, frenemies
Common Ground: Both good at playing the game
Conflict: Bhad wants Vanhi, she’ll use that
History: Known since her tawaif days
Subtext: Love / Hate
Relationship Arc: Allies to playing each other to ?
Bhadrabahu to His Father
Surface: Strangers, enemies
Common Ground: Both care about the rest of their fam
Conflict: Father disowned him as he works for Mughals
History: Fights with Father, supports family financially
Subtext: They love each other
Relationship Arc: Betrayal to respect to Bhad can’t save him
Bhadrabahu to Anala
Surface: Political allies
Common Ground: Share the same false pretense — infant king is not their 1st choice
Conflict: Anala wants control over Vanhi
History: She threatened him, saw him as an ally of Narendra
Subtext: Conspirators
Relationship Arc: She looked down on him, but needs his help now
________________
Veer to Damyanti
Surface: Comrades in the fight
Common Ground: Fighting for the common people, not just the kings
Conflict: His methods are straightforward, her’s are covert
History: Honest, when others were not; later she saved him from the dungeon
Subtext: Deep attraction
Relationship Arc: From crafty co-conspirators to husband and wife
Veer to Jagger
Surface: General / soldier
Common Ground: Fighting for the usurped infant king
Conflict: Jagger objects to Veer’s violent tactics
History: Veer made him a soldier when he defended a low-born woman
Subtext: Allies with differing agendas
Relationship Arc: From general and grunt to suspicion to comrades
Veer to Anala
Surface: Allies
Common Ground: Both believe Rajendra should not be king
Conflict: Disagree on whether Rajendra should die
History: Almost became lovers, but Veer stopped it by revealing his secret
Subtext: She married, but yet jealous
Relationship Arc: Almost lovers to almost enemies to uneasy friends
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Syd’s Character Emotions_M1_L5_Assignments 1 and 2
2. What I learned doing this assignment is what’s driving my characters. Perhaps they’re just beginning to reveal themselves to me.
ASSIGNMENT 1: Example Show
Watch the next episode of your Example Show and create an Emotional Profile for two or three main characters in this show.
Ned Stark
A. Situational: Hope— to protect King Robert, find out who killed Jon Arryn; Fear—his actions will harm his family
B. Motivation: Want— wants to know why Jon Arryn was killed; Need—to know who he can trust
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion—Fear; Public Mask—Hand of the King is in control
D. Weaknesses: He’s not particularly stealth — but that’s hard in king’s landing; This is a tough one, some would say his integrity is his weakness in this circumstance because he’s in a den of vipers; prioritizing duty (curiosity, desire for the truth) over his and his family’s safety; he’s warned that Jon Arryn died for asking too many questions
E. Triggers: He appears good at not losing control in this episode; however, it does appear that others can manipulate his sense of duty / curiosity; perhaps he won’t kill an innocent, Daenerys (or won’t lie and say he will to give himself time to escape)
F. Coping Mechanism: Doubling down on seeking the truth<div>
Tyrion Lannister
A. Situational: Hope—to prove himself innocent of Catelyn’s accusation; Fear—he will be executed in the Vail
B. Motivation: Want—vindication; Need—a champion for trial by combat
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion—rejection (by his father, people in general); Public Mask—he doesn’t care what people think (“embrace who you are, wear it like armor”)
D. Weaknesses—To compensate (for low self-esteem, resentment, anger) he uses his quick wit and willingness to verbally prod others on their weak spots, this wreaks havoc on himself and others
E. Triggers—Insults that remind him of his father’s rejection
F. Coping Mechanism—verbal sparing; as said before this can wreak havoc on himself and others; sex and alcohol addictions
ASSIGNMENT 2: Your Show
For each of your main characters, brainstorm an Emotional Profile, filling in the following:<div>
Charita
A. Situational: Hope—to prove herself as a tawaif/artist, spy, political force; Fear—she’ll lose her true love, imposter syndrome, death/imprisonment
B. Motivation: Want—to contribute, to be recognized; Need—love/friendship, to fulfill her purpose
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion—fear of enslavement, meaningless existence; Public Mask—accomplished artist; fearless spy
D. Weaknesses—Thinks she knows more than she does; inexperience; too bold (compensating); disappointed when those she’s close to don’t see her as she wants to see herself
E. Triggers—She pops off at people when they tell her she can’t do something (because she’s a woman or because she’s not the right class)
F. Coping Mechanism—stops confiding / trusting those who truly have her back; doubles down on risk (even if it unwise)</div><div>
Veer
A. Situational: Hope—To depose Rajendra; Fear—Rajendra will kill the infant king, he will fail the child like he did the father; his true connection to the former king will be revealed
B. Motivation: Want—revenge, privacy, justice and honor; Need—to be truly known, to be loved, to lead a band of criminals in the wilderness in order to achieve his goals
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion—shame; Public Mask—leader, he’s still the general even though he’s exiled from the kingdom
D. Weaknesses: Unforgiving, suspicious
E. Triggers: When someone tries to expose his true parentage, someone brutalizing a woman
F. Coping Mechanism: Finds it easier to kill than to trust someone<div>
Rajendra
A. Situational: Hope—to be embraced as the new king; Fear—being denounced as a pretender and executed
B. Motivation: Want—to secure his throne by whatever means; Need—to be popular with the people
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion—insecurity, rejection; Public Mask—powerful, benevolent ruler
D. Weaknesses—people approval, shame, anger
E. Triggers—when his ability to rule is questioned or when he’s viewed as an unfit leader
F. Coping Mechanism—undercover thief (jewels); ironically, he’s protective of children as he was an abused one himself</div><div>
Bhadrabahu
A. Situational: Hope— that he will win Vanhi and keep his Father out of a noose; Fear— losing power, poverty
B. Motivation: Want—money and power (sigma); Need—control
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion—rejection; Public Mask—bon vivant, playboy
D. Weaknesses: His family that has rejected him; He’s in love with Vanhi
E. Triggers: Being rejected by Vanhi, anything his father says or does; when someone he trusts tries to undermine him, he trusts few
F. Coping Mechanism: Sex and opium (post — diluted opium and herbs) abuse
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Syd’s Intriguing Character Layers M1_L4 (Assignments 1 & 2)
2. What I learned doing this assignment is some of my characters’ dirty secrets.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
Think about your Example Show. Make a list of the places you’ve already seen Character Intrigue in the previous episodes.
Hidden agendas: Ned tries to covertly investigate — Who killed Jon Arryn?
Competition: Sansa & Arya; Arya with her brothers / men; Littlefinger vs. Varys
Conspiracies: J&C conspiring to keep their relationship secret; who sent the assassin after crippled Bran
Secrets: Ned’s hiding a secret about Jon; J&C having incestuous sex; everyone at King’s Landing has secrets — Littlefinger, Varys, J&C, Ned’s holding the biggest secret; King Robert seems to be the only open book
Deception: Catelyn secretly travels to Kings landing to warn Ned of Lannister treachery, assassination attempt on Bran
Wound: Jon’s bastard status is wound, as is his discovery (betrayal) that The Night’s Watch for rejects and criminals; Theon Greyjoy is constantly reminded that he is practically a slave as the result that his Father lost a rebellion; Daenerys is traded like cattle by her brother
Secret Identity: Sansa quickly discovers that Joffrey’s persona of bravery and affection is a lie, he’s a sadist
2. Watch the next episode and see how Character Intrigue is being used to create the need to see more episodes.
Hidden agendas: Jorah spying on Daenerys for King Baratheon;
Competition: Viserys in competition with his sister, Daenerys, over her rising power; Lannisters vs. Starks; Littlefinger vs. Varys
Conspiracies: Tyrion appears to have been set up to take the fall for Bran’s assassination attempt; Ned investigates Jon Arryn’s death
Secrets: Ned wants to leave King’s Landing because Catelyn arrested Tyrion, but is pretending that he’s resigning because Robert wants to kill Daenerys — a 15-year-old pregnant girl across the sea
Deception: Littlefinger appears to be playing both the Lannisters and the Starks, supposedly leading Ned to uncover Robert’s bastards
Wound: Samwell Tarly’s rejection by his father is worse than Jon’s bastard status
Secret Identity: Gendry, the blacksmith apprentice, is actually one of King Robert’s true heirs
ASSIGNMENT 2
For your Inner Circle characters, fill in any of the Intrigue items that apply.
Character Name: Charita
Role: Educated young woman seeking autonomy, self-expression and employment in the Mughal Empire, while fighting the usurper of her infant brother’s throne.
Hidden agendas: She’s spying for the Mughal Amir, but is using her position/contacts to secretly search for her lover, Jagger.
Competition: With her mother Vanhi, to be as free to make her own choices / navigate court politics; with male counterparts, to be an effective, respected and powerful a spy
Conspiracies: Conspiring with her mother, Vanhi, and the Amir to regain the Golden City throne for her infant brother. Meanwhile the usurper, Rajendra is making friends in Mughal court.
Secrets: She takes a job as a spy, pretending to be a tawaif, in order to spy. She’s engaged / betrothed to Jagger, her employer doesn’t know this. Her fiancé doesn’t know she’s a spy.
Deception: The Amir wants her to spy on the Portuguese so to give the Mughals an advantage in battle; she secretly wants peace in order to protect her fiancé, Jagger — who could end up on the front lines.
Wound: She was an oddball in the village because she was educated — educated women are either nobility or tawaif (courtesans). She’s neither. Does she fit in this world? Or will she always feel outcast.
Secret Identity: There are many — she’s a spy; what will happen when her spying, disguised as a tawaif, brings her into contact with Jagger
Character Name: Veer
Role: Former general for the assassinated king. Now out for justice / vengeance.
Hidden agendas: He plans to assassinate Rajendra — counter to his own code / integrity; his spy network rivals Bhadrabahu’s
Competition: Rajendra, Bhadrabahu
Conspiracies: Funding his covert war by helping Portuguese and Chinese traders, avoid taxes collected by both the Mughals and Golden City
Secrets: He’s a bastard member of the royal family
Deception: He’s hidden his true parentage from everybody, Bhadrabahu is digging into his past
Wound: His king and friend was assassinated on his watch; he is a bastard
Secret Identity: Rajendra’s half brother or is he the king’s half-brother (which could give him a claim to the throne in competition with Charita’s infant brother)
Character Name: Rajendra
Role: Usurper
Hidden agendas: On the surface, he’s trying to develop good diplomatic relations with the Mughals, while searching for Charita, Vanhi and the infant king in order to kill them.
Competition: With the infant king, with Veer (the assassinated king’s former general), with Bharabahu
Conspiracies: He’s courting the Mughals, but giving the position of their armies to the Portuguese
Secrets: He knows there are bastards who could challenge him for the GC throne
Deception: He plays the Mughals and the Portuguese against each other
Wound: His father always manipulated him, intended to rule Golden City through him; when his father tried to set him up to take a fall, he turned the tables — the student became the master
Secret Identity: Jewel thief — he’s actually very good. He steals Mughal treasures and sets up others to take the fall.
Character Name: Bhadrabahu
Role: Bon vivant in Mughal court, manger of entertainment, liaison for Charita to the Mughal Amir
Hidden agendas: Runs a huge spy network throughout the kingdom for the Amir; secretly in love with Vanhi, Charita’s mother — therefore, wants to undermine Charita’s mission to reinstall her brother to the throne of the Golden City as that would put Vanhi out of his reach / control;
Competition: Competing for Vanhi with her other love interest — the Amir, others? Competing with Vanhi for influence over the Amir, they have competing agendas
Conspiracies: Infiltrates the Portuguese posts as a provider of entertainment, working to undermine them
Secrets: His own father id an anti-Mughal zealot and has disowned him, though he secretly conspires to keep his father out of jail
Deception: Broad stroke — he actually holds a lot power in the Mughal empire, though he pretends to be focused on parties and entertainment; he’s in love with Vanhi though pretends to be the playboy
Wound: His father’s rejection, Vanhi’s rejection
Secret Identity: There are many that he assumes in the Amir’s service; chiefly, he plays the bon vivant while running the Amir’s spy ring
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Subject line: Syd’s Engaging Main Characters (M1, L3)
4. What I learned doing this assignment is more insight into what’s going on with my characters.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
Watch the next episode of your Example Show to see any places the lead characters might fit this model.
Jon Snow, episode 3
A. Role in the show: Nobleman-outcast seeking his place; appears to be thrown away; becomes a leader of the other outcasts with Tyrion mentoring
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: He’s a highly trained swordsman with a past that makes him empathetic to other outcasts
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? Ned Stark goes out of his way to hide Jon’s true parentage
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? Not yet (he will have to go against his morals and feelings to end Daenerys’s moral corruption and misuse of power)
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? Angry that the Night’s Watch was not what he thought, he’s initially aggressive, but instead embraces the poor thieves he’s now partnered with in the Night’s Watch
F. Empathetic: Why do we care? He’s been (supposedly) cast off by his family because he’s a bastardTell us the name and Engaging Profile answers for at least one character from your example show.
Deadline: 24 hours
ASSIGNMENT 2:
Tell us the journey of your show.
A young, well-educated village woman becomes sister to Golden City’s next heir when her courtesan mother marries the king. When King Abzar is assassinated, they go on the run. The Amir offers help and protection — if Charita agrees to serve as a spy in the Mughals’ vast empire.
2. Who are the main characters that will sell your show?
Charita — The Desired (18) Educated, independent, dancer, dangerously bold;
Veer — General, failed to stop the assassination of his King and friend, he’ll say he wants justice, but revenge is on his mind
Rajendra — was heir to the throne before King’s new wife had a son; now she and the baby are on the run and he’ll do whatever he has to in order to keep the throne
Bhadrabahu — second son from a conservative Hindu family, has reinvented himself as the ultimate playboy in Mughal court; knows everyone’s secrets, has a few of his own
3. Answer these questions for each of those characters.
Charita
A. Role in the show: — She makes a deal to spy for the Mughal Amir. How far will she have to go to protect her infant brother, true heir to the throne?
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: — Well-educated village girl, who can dance and sing, perform poetry (early form of theatre). She can slip into different personas as needed.
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? — She can play the part of courtesan though she’s never been one like her mother. She has a secret relationship with Jagger.
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? — Is she willing to seduce for the Mughals? Is she willing to kill for the Mughals? The answer is, “No” — but working undercover as a courtesan leaves those around her with expectations. And, her infant brother’s safety is at stake.
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next?
At first, she’s scattered and even ashamed. As she gains confidence, she comes into her power. Is she starting to enjoy the risk-taking? By the end of season one, she’s got enough valuable info to start making demands of her employer.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care?
Raised in a village, by her courtesan mother, she realizes she’s too smart for that life — but yet some aristocrats don’t accept her at court — and also, she’s a woman in a man’s world with a dangerous job, not of her choosing. The dead king’s cousin now claims her brother’s throne, but he targets her, blaming her for the fact that he got exiled.
General Veer
A. Role in the show: — He says he wants “justice,” in his heart, he wants revenge. He’s an outlaw now that King Abzar has been assassinated. He holds Rajendra responsible.
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: — Master fighter. Leader. Trained and led an army — many of whom abandoned their post, refusing to serve the usurper, to join him in exile.
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface?
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? — He’s moved from being the one who upholds the law to the leader of rogue renegades. Instead of protecting the king, he wants to kill the new one. He has to create a new moral compass.
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? — He was an honorable man. Will he abandon his honor in the name of revenge.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care? — Veer takes the death of King Abzar personally. He knew Abzar took to many risks and he never trusted Rajendra or his father (though Abzar did). He’s haunted by the belief that he could have and should have prevented the assassination. Abzar was his friend.
Rajendra
A. Role in the show: — Usurper; was raised to be King Abzar’s successor, and then was undone by courtesans, one married the king and produced an heir.
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: — he was manipulated by his father, but also learned to be ruthless and enterprising from him; when his father tried sell him out, he successfully turned the tables; the student has become the master
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? — Everyone believes he is responsible for King Abzar’s death, he’s not and he doesn’t know who is.
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? — Raised by a villain, crossing boundaries is a game; still, he does not want to be his father, he wants his own legacy
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? — He has the throne, but is it safe. To secure his reign, he has to prevent the true heir from coming back; he wants to find the infant and to break Charita’s ties with the Mughals. And who actually killed Abzar. Rajendra’s paranoia makes him unpredictable.
F. Empathetic: Why do we care? — he was an abused child; as such, he tries to defend the children of the kingdom from like behavior
Bhadrabahu
A. Role in the show: — Charita’s mentor / liaison
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: — Manager of tawaif (courtesans), the ultimate playboy in Mughal court
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? — he’s the second son of a conservative, anti-Mughal family; he’s all fun on the outside, knows everyone’s secrets
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? — in his mind, he’s amoral, boundaries are meant to be crossed; leading a double life
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? — He comes across as everyone’s friend; who’s side is he on? His own. Yet, he has some connections that are more important than others (Charita’s mother Vanhi, his own family — though they’ve publicly disowned him);
F. Empathetic: Why do we care? — His father’s rejected him, but he still supports the family financially; will put himself on the line for Vanhi; helps the poor, disenfranchised
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Syd’s Three Circles of Characters (Assignments 1 and 2)
3. What I learned doing this assignment is how much you don’t know by episode 2 (but look at everything that’s been planted)?
ASSIGNMENT 1:
Game of Thrones, epi 2
Main Characters Circle:
Jon Snow
Daenerys Targaryen
Tyrion Lannister
Jamie Lannister — instigator with a secret
Cersei Lannister — instigator with a secret
Ned Stark — in season 1, epi 2, he looked like a main, but SPOILER ALERT
B. Connected Circle:
Robb Stark
Sansa Stark — emerges as a main, but we don’t know that by episode 2
Arya Stark — emerges as a main, but we don’t know that by episode 2
Jorah Mormont
Theon Greyjoy
Bran Stark
Sandor “The Hound” Clean
Grand Maester Luwin
King Robert Baratheon
Joffrey Baratheon
Catelyn Stark
Uncle Benjen
Khal Drogo
Viserys Targaryen
C. Environment Circle:
Men of the Night’s watch
Dothraki
Servants
Ladies in waiting
Soldiers
Doreah — Daenerys hand maiden
Micah — commoner killed by the Hound for Joffrey
Cersei’s other children
ASSIGNMENT 2:
1. Create the three circles of characters for your show:
Main Characters Circle:
Charita — The Desired (18) Educated, independent, dancer, dangerously bold; how far will she have to go to protect her infant brother, true heir to the throne? She makes a deal with the Mughal Amir.
Veer — General, failed to stop the assassination of his King and friend, he’ll say he wants justice, but revenge is on his mind
Rajendra — was heir to the throne before King’s new wife had a son; now she and the baby are on the run and he’ll do whatever he has to in order to keep the throne
Bhadrabahu — second son from a conservative Hindu family, has reinvented himself as the ultimate playboy in Mughal court; knows everyone’s secrets, has a few of his own
B. Connected Circle:
Vanhi — (5) The Player (late 30s) Village house-wife, artist, single mom, secret past (possible main character)
King Abzar — The Power (late 30s) Charismatic leader, heirless widow, diplomat, target
Damyanti — prostitute and freedom fighter
Jagger — The Lover (18) Fighter, musician, honorable, over-his-head
Anala — The Voice (30s). Match-maker, power-broker, Matriarch, snob
Sugith — street kid with a knack for self-elevation
Gauri — young, beautiful, well-educated courtesan; will play men against each other to get what she wants
C. Environment Circle:
Soldiers
Servants
Musicians
Chinese traders
Portuguese traders and sailors
Local merchants (new money)
Aristocrats (old money)
Mughals
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Subject line: Game of Thrones 5 Star Model
4. What I learned doing this assignment is that I love the way the audience get thrown in without exposition or explanation for each scenario which just makes us more curious. (Yes, some exposition is given, but in such a way that the context demands it.)
BW EXAMPLE SHOW: Game of Thrones Synopsis
Men of the Night’s Watch encounter something sinister — White Walkers — beyond the Wall. Ned Stark, Lord of the North, executes sole survivor for deserting.
Dire wolf — the Stark similar — dies south of the wall after giving birth to six pups — one for each Stark child. John’s not a Stark.
Hand of King — John Arryn — is dead likely by nefarious means. King Robert asks Ned Stark to be Hand.
King Robert was in love with Ned’s now dead sister. He blames Targaryens — some of whom still live.
Vicerys Targaryen trades his sister in marriage to Khal Drogo in exchange for the Dothraki army.
Arryn’s wife — the sister of Ned’s wife — sends a message that the Lannisters murdered Arryn.
Bran catches Jamie Lannister, the Queen’s brother with the Queen (Cersei Lannister). Jamie attempts to murder the boy to cover their tryst.
2. From that, make a list of the 5 Star Points for that show.
Big Picture Hooks
Ned’s walking into a land mine. There’s going to be a battle for this throne. Everybody’s got a stake, every body’s got a secret.Empathy / Distress
Ned Stark — the last Hand was murdered, now he’s got the job.
Daenerys — being used as a pawn. She married off to a man she’s afraid of.
Layers / Open LoopsAsk this: What questions are created by this first episode that can only be answered by watching the entire season?
Who’s going to get the throne? Who’s going to make the first move?
Is Ned going to survive his new job?
Will Jaime and Cersei get caught?
What’s Jon Snow’s backstory?
What are the White Walkers and what are they going to do?
Is Viserys going to march on King’s Landing with Drogo’s army?
What’s going to happen to Daenerys?
Inviting Obsession
The audience wants to know who will win the throne, who will survive, and for answers / explanations for the mysteries in #3.
5. Watch the same first episode A SECOND TIME while looking at your 5 Star Point analysis. This time, your purpose is to see beyond the obvious answers. Assume there is more to learn and discover it!
Bran was seeking answers about the White Walkers from the beginning — do they exist in current times
Jamie/Cersei murdered twice in the first episode to cover their affair — Arryn and Bran (attempted). What will they do next?
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Hi All:
My name is Sydney, you can call me Syd. I am an NYCbased writer / director, working mostly in theatre. I’ve produced a couple of award-winning short, including a Cannes first place. Formerly worked in finance and as a journalist / newspaper managing editor.
I’ve written three feature scripts, have three more WIPs and a project that comprises a series of shorts. (I have many more in my head just waiting to get on paper.)
This is not my first Hal class — all of which have helped me grow as a writer. I’ve been looking forward to this one for a while. I have a feature currently that’s serving as my jump off for this. (Also, have another serial idea I’ve started — we’ll see which one gets to go first).
Something unique about me is that I share a Myers-Briggs personality type that is often used to writer villains — think, Saruman, Professor Moriarty, Little Finger, Hannibal Lector. But don’t worry, it’s also used to create heroes, like Walter White and Wednesday Adams — oh, wait…
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1. Sydney A. Burtner
2. “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to:
OR
NOT AGREE, in which case, you hit “Reply to this topic” and type in the words “I’ll do the class privately.”
If you agree to the terms of the release form, then you can post your assignments into the group and your cohort can give feedback on them.
Also, if you don’t agree to this group confidentiality agreement, you’ll still need to sign an agreement that says you will keep the strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Syd_CM 14 QE Cycle #3 Nancy and Squire
LOGLINE: A former burlesque performer and her former manager plan to sabotage the relationship of their respective daughter and son.
ESSENCE: Nancy wants to kill the relationship because she doesn’t want anyone — husband, daughter, friends — to know about her past as a performer. Squire wants to end it because he doesn’t think Nancy’s daughter is good enough for his Ivy League son.
SCENE:
INT. COUNTRY CLUB, DINING ROOM – DAY
SQUIRE, mid-40s, wearing a dark suit jacket and dark, silk shirt, leans back in a booth, one arm resting on the banquette. He holds a scotch in his hand.
Just as he checks his Rolex, NANCY, mid-40s, in a stylish, yet conservative dress enters. She checks her own watch and runs over to him. He stands to greet her.
Nancy
Thanks for coming early.
SQUIRE
Is it possible that you’re even more beautiful?
He kisses her on each cheek. She stiffens. They sit.
NANCY
If you act familiar, they’ll suspect we know each other.
SQUIRE
If you act uncivil, they’ll figure out your plan.
NANCY
I am civil. And this is our plan. No one is to find out about… my early career.
SQUIRE
Your wish is my command.
NANCY
And I’ll be discreet about your first job.
SqUIRE
He knows. I’m not ashamed of it.
NaNCY
What? Well, it’s easier for men.
She looks at his scotch and clothes. She SIGHS.
NANCY
It’s lunch. You look like you’re sitting in a night club at 2am.
Squire
(smiling)
I believe I meet the dress code.
NANCY
Look, this should be easy. Everette’s career will take him to New York, possibly London.
SQUIRE
Singapore is apparently where the actions is.
NANCY
Good. My Cherie wants to go on tour across the US. We just subtly underscore that they’re going in different directions. They’ll come to the conclusion themselves.
SQUIRE
Folk music. Jesus.
Squire swigs his scotch. Nancy glares.
NanCY
She’s extremely talented.
SQUIRE
Like her mother. They’re coming.
Everette, 23, and Cherie, 22, enter the dining room hand and hand. They smile as they greet the parent of their significant other. Everette shakes Nancy’s hand.
Everette
I see you guys found each other. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Cherie
I’m so happy we finally worked this out.
SQUIRE
You’re as beautiful as Everette claimed. And I see from whom you get your looks.
The foursome sit.
NANCY
I was just telling Squire how you’ve excelled in your music. She’s been recognized on the state level. Top of her class.
SQUIRE
At music school?
ChERIE
Actually, it’s the conservatory at Hartford.
SQUIRE
So you got a four-year degree in addition to music?
CHERIE
My major was music.
EVERETTE
Dad?
SQUIRE
I’m just counseling her to have money-making options if she’s going to pursue folk music.
NaNCY
That’s a bit judgmental coming from the manager of burlesque shows.
CheRIE
Mom!
EVERETTE
(to Squire)
You told her about that!
SQUIRE
Back in the day. Today I manage at Caesar’s Palace – marquee names, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey.
NaNCY
Too bad you didn’t have that ambition when you were younger.
CHERIE
(to Nancy)
Please stop!
SQUIRE
I did. If you had been there – and stuck around – it’d be your name on the marquee.
NANCY
I have the career I want – wife and mother.
SquIRE
Marriage is your career. Good for you.
EVERETTE
OK… so let’s order.
NANCY
It’s sexist to condemn me for wanting a family.
ChERIE
I hear the veal is really good… even though I’m a vegetarian.
SQUIRE
(to Nancy)
You could’ve had a family.
NANCY
Excuse me?
CHERIE
But you do have a family…
SquIRE
You were in a hurry to get the big house in the suburbs.
NANCY
Is there something wrong with that?
SQUIRE
Of course not. That’s what I have.
Copyright 2021 Sydney Burtner, all rights reserved
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CM 13: Syd’s Max Interest Techniques 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is realizing the first step is acknowledging you have a problem. While the content of this scene interesting, the delivery is not (or rather was not, before the rewrite).
Previous Scene: Vanhi and Charita watch the strongmen (servants of wealthy nobles) attempt to drive away the lower class merchants on the road to the Golden City. The merchants who were already set up, are not having it and fight them. The Royal Guard, led by General Veer, charges in and breaks it up.
Sc 10
Logline: King Abzar rules a wealthy city state with justice and fairness — but fairness doesn’t work for the entitled upper class, including his wealthy cousin Narendra. He’ll have to manage this while keeping the Portuguese and Mughals separate.
Essence: King Abzar’s ambitious — he wants all of his diverse citizens to share in the wealth, while he befriends everyone and keeps enemies separated. His ambitions blind him to the fact that he makes enemies.
Tell us at least two (more if you can) interest techniques for the rewrite.
Hook — A large, fierce working-class merchant, beseeches the King to make Narendra return his daughter.
Dilemma — Abzar has to choose between working class merchants and his wealthy cousin Narendra. Narendra has kidnapped one of the merchants daughters in order to control the man.
Predictions — Anala predicts that Narendra will become an enemy, his son is currently Abzar’s heir.
Something unseen — A wide-eyed working class merchants agree to move their businesses (Abzar does not know that the man’s daughter is being held captive.)
Mystery — why do the working-class sellers change their mind
Creating a Future — King maneuvers to keep Mughals and Portuguese separated. King publicly denounces Narendra, “If you weren’t family…”
Anticipatory Dialogue —
It doesn’t serve you — reminding Narendra that his son is your heir.
SCENE
InT. King’s Meeting hall – Day
KING ABZAR, 40, mustached, enters, taking the temperature of the room. He sees NARENDRA, 40s, lavishly dressed, who smiles and nods. Further back, serious-faced, working-class MEN huddle. The Seller stands out given his great height.
An expert diplomat, Abzar buries his broken heart with an ambitious political agenda. His confidence in his ability to rule puts him at risk. He notes the tension in the air.
He listens to Narendra who leads the MERCHANT DELEGATION. A cousin to the King, he plays the loyal, if privileged subject. Dressed lavishly, his smile hides his belief that he’s more skilled with power than Abzar.
Above, in a balcony, overlooking the room, Anala, 36, gorgeously dressed, exudes power. As is her custom, she watches with intent to discern true motives.
KiNG ABZAR
Cousin, always good to see you – though I’m scheduled to meet with the Portuguese emissary.
NARENDRA
I’ll take little time. I bring good news. We’ve come to an agreement with the market traders.
King Abzar
(Skeptical)
Wonderful. Cooperation between neighbors is honorable.
The wide-eyed Seller smiles and bows.
Seller
We wish to honor your birthday by making the road to the city open and hospitable.
KING ABZAR
You honor me.
(to Narendra)
A word.
Abzar notices a bruise on the side of the Seller’s face. He walks away from the group with his cousin.
KING ABZAR
I determined not to restrict trade to inside the fort walls.
Narendra
Even so, they agreed. Security would be greatly improved.
KING ABZAR
As would your profit.
NARENDRA
If we control the trade, we would maximize profits and, we make sure to pay taxes.
KING ABZAR
By “we” you mean the richest men in the city?
NaRENDRA
The Trade Delegation. Think of the efficiencies and the resulting tax revenues.
KING ABZAR
A few days ago the big guy was willing to fight all your men to keep his spot.
NarENDRA
We are best equipped to manage business. And, as we prosper, the benefits trickle down.
KING ABZAR
What happened to his face?
NARENDRA
This is what I’m talking about – these people would have started a riot if it weren’t for my men.
The King sighs.
EXT. KING’S MEETING HALL – cONTINUOUS
General Veer accompanied by SOLDIERS walk toward the Meeting Hall. They escort, the Seller’s Daughter, who scuffles quickly with them, eyes darting to and fro.
INT. KING’S MEETING HALL – coNTINUOUS
KING ABZAR
I want the people to prosper from the increased traffic, but I can’t have my guests walking into chaos.
NARENDRA
And their presence discourages ongoing trade. We… You should make this a permanent arrangement.
KING ABZAR
We’ll talk after the celebration.
The King returns to the men, Narendra by his side. The Seller looks back and forth nervously from Abzar to Narendra.
KinG ABZAR
Your agreement is a gift. I am honored…
Seller’s daughter (o.S.)
Poppa!
The girl runs to her father and embraces him. A veiled woman, the SELLER’S WIFE, pushes her way forward from the back and embraces her daughter.
The Seller throws a stern look to Narendra and places a protective arm around his wife/daughter. King Abzar questions General Veer who bows stoically.
KING ABZAR
What’s happening?
GeNERAL VEER
This Seller’s daughter had been inadvertently detained.
KING ABZAR
By whom?
GENERAL VEER
They wear the banner of your royal house.
Abzar flashes anger, glaring briefly at Narendra.
NARENDRA
I’m as surprised as yo…
KING ABZAR
I will speak with you privately in my Council Chamber.
Narendra exits. Anala also exits her perch from above. Abzar walks closer to the working class men.
KING ABZAR
(to the Sellers)
I would consider it a gift if you continue to provide your goods to this great city’s visitors.
The working-class Men bow with genuine smiles. Abzar catches the eyes of the Seller who bows his head to the King.
KING ABZAR
I look forward to you and your families joining my birthday festivities.
InT. KING’S council chamber – DAY
The King and Veer whisper inaudibly as he enters. He marches toward Anala and Narendra, fury in his eyes, Veer by his side – this is a family showdown. They bow slightly.
KING ABZAR
You kidnapped a girl!
NARENDRA
Of course not, how could you think such a thing. They were probably trying to save her.
The King stares at Gen Veer, who responds stoically.
GENERAL VEER
The men kidnapped the girl.
Narendra and Anala glare at Veer.
A soldier approaches Veer and whispers in his ear.
NARENDRA
They got over zealous trying to stop the riot.
ANALA
(to Narendra)
You must instruct your men not to wear our family crest to address street brawls. It reflects badly on his Grace.
The King looks at her incredulous.
GenERAL VEER
They should also stop kidnapping girls.
Anala
You speak out of turn.
NaRENDRA
Remember your place.
KinG ABZAR
What if it were your daughter?
NARENDRA
You compare my child with one of them?
AnALA
The girl is safe now. It was unfortunate, but she’s not of the royal house.
NARENDRA
It pains me that you take the cause of servant-class stranger above your own family.
Abzar gets in Narendra’s face.
KING ABZAR
As their King, they are all my family! Make sure your son understands that.
Narendra hides his insult and anger. He bows and exits.
ANALA
It doesn’t serve you.
KING ABZAR
What?
ANALA
Reminding Narendra that his son is your heir.
Copyright 2021 Sydney Burtner, all rights reserved
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CM 12 Creating Challenging Situations
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is even though I may have a conflict in the scene, a character’s goals, needs, values, wound and physical safety can and should be challenged to force them down their journey.
Scene 1: (Sc 5A)
Current Scene Logline:
Vanhi rebukes Charita for running away, schooling her on the plight of widows and orphans — yet, chooses to find
Essence:
Vanhi boldly assumes a risky new identity in order to find her daughter an advantageous match, thus securing Charita’s safety and future.
Brainstorm a list of possible challenges:
— Vanhi will have to spend her next egg on her bold plan
— Vanhi’s goal is for Charita to have safety and marriage; Charita has other plans
— Vanhi’s got a secret — beyond the fact that she’s a widow
— They need protection — they’re challenged at the gate, Vanhi successfully deflects
Summary on how to write the scene differently with the new challenge:
— Vanhi believes her own life is over. She will sacrifice the money she has (to live on for the rest of her life) to assume this new identity, sacrificing her future.
— Charita’s goal is love and autonomy, Vanhi’s is for Charita to have safety and marriage
— She will sell the special necklace that her husband gave her
— Charita is trying to discover the secret her mother keeps buried
— They need protection — they’re challenged at the gate, Vanhi successfully deflects
— Is Bhadrabahu friend or foe? Vanhi needs his help to pull this off
Scene 2: (Sc10)
Current Scene Logline:
King Abzar addresses the Merchant Delegation — he doesn’t grant them the sweeping power they want even though one is a relative. He discusses with the General, how to keep warring factions separated.
Essence:
King Abzar rules a wealthy city state, but violence could erupt from warring classes, foreign traders or different religious groups.
Brainstorm a list of possible challenges:
With this much money flowing, you’ve naturally got enemies
Wealthy Merchants threaten lower classes with physical harm, daughters; Anala is their advocate
Marriage alliance is brought up
Famine
Portuguese and Mughals plan to visit at the same time
Summary on how to write the scene differently with the new challenge:
Assassination attempt
Wealthy Merchants threaten lower classes with physical harm, daughters; Anala is their advocate
Marriage alliance — Abzar rebukes it harshly
No one should be starving when there’s this much money around
Abzar must find a way to keep them from fighting
Copyright 2021 Sydney Burtner, all rights reserved
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CM 11: Inherently Dramatic Characters
Syd’s Full-out Characters
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to back up and look at the big picture and find those traits that serve the story and heighten the character’s journey.
CURRENT
DESCRIPTION: Vanhi, 38, strangely well-educated for a woman in Medieval India, just became a widow. In this time and place, a woman can neither inherit nor remarry. She’s screwed.
TRAITS: Crafty, Chameleon, Fatalistic, Artistic
SUBTEXT: Smart enough to know her plight should be different, she’ll risk a lot to change her own fate — but she’s not willing to risk her daughter’s future.
DESCRIPTION: Charita, 17, well-educated by her mother, just reached marrying age when her father died. She’s about to discover that, without a father and patriarch, her value plummeted.
TRAITS: Curious, Creative, Naive, Bold
SUBTEXT: Autonomy and love — can a woman in Medieval India have both. Can a poor woman have either.
DESCRIPTION: King Abzar, 40, rules a city state at the cross roads of the Silk Road and the Spice Route. At this time in history, more money flows through the Golden City than any other city in the world.
TRAITS: Diplomatic, Heart-broken, Wise, Ambitious
SUBTEXT: A widower in serious need of an heir, Abzar’s family seeks to push a political marriage on him while he’s busy managing Portuguese and Chinese traders, negotiating class and religion conflicts, while maintaining autonomy under Mughal rule.
REVISED
DESCRIPTION: Vanhi, 38, has the air of an aristocrat though she’s the wife of an Army Captain in a small village in Medieval India. Oddly well-educated with a mysterious past, she’s screwed. Her husband has died and she may neither inherit or remarry.
TRAITS: Crafty, Chameleon, Risk-taker, Privileged
SUBTEXT: Unwilling to accept the hand fate has dealt, she’ll travel to the Golden City and reinvent herself. She’ll manipulate the system to improve her daughter’s future, but is too fatalistic to believe the system can change.
DESCRIPTION: Charita, 17, just reached marrying age when her father dies. She’s open to love, but she’s believes she’ll also get to use the education her mother gave her. She’s about to discover that as educated, orphaned female her value has plummeted.
TRAITS: Curious, Artistic, Naive, Bold
SUBTEXT: Can a poor woman have autonomy and love? Charita’s got too much of her mother to except the rules this society wants to place on her.
DESCRIPTION: King Abzar, 40, rules the Golden City where Silk Road crosses the Spice Route. At this time in history, more money flows through his kingdom than any other city in the world. Money attracts enemies.
TRAITS: Heart-broken, Wise (with Blind Spots), Ambitious, Stubborn
SUBTEXT: Abzar pursues ambitious and risky political partnerships (Portuguese and Chinese traders, people of different classes and religions, the Mughal empire) as an excuse to avoid remarrying and producing and heir.
Copyright 2021 Sydney Burtner, all rights reserved
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CM 10: Please Exchange Critiques On Cycle 2 Scenes — Rewrite
LOGLINE: Half-brothers fight, perhaps to the death, over their father’s legacy — a multi-billion dollar bio tech firm, complicated by their recent discovery that Dad was trafficking illegal tech.
ESSENCE: After growing up the illegitimate-have-not, John wants his share. Working at the company for years, Nick feels entitled to make the decisions and refuses to let the illegal money-making continue.
SCENE:
INT. ZERO CORP CONTROL ROOM — DAY
A fire alarm BLARES on a top floor of the evacuated Zero Corp building. JOHN, 38, sits alone in the room at a computer terminal, hurriedly plugging his laptop into the main server. He quickly hacks into the server. SMOKE begins to waft up from the lower floors.
INT. HALLWAY TO CONTROL ROOM — CONTINUOUS
The alarm continues, NICK, 40, gun in hand, runs up to the sealed Control Room door. He plugs in a security code and eye scan. The door opens and he bursts into the room.
INT. ZERO CORP CONTROL ROOM — DAY
BAM! Nick ducks as bullet goes over his head. He jumps behind a cubicle. John furiously downloads files while keeping a gun pointed in Nick’s direction.
JOHN
Stay back!
NICK
I just want to talk.
JOHN
Sure — that’s why you brought a gun. It’s a negotiating tool.
Nick peaks his head over the cubicle barrier and tries to diffuse the situation.
NICK
I brought a gun because you have a gun.
John points his gun again and Nick drops behind the barrier again.
JOHN
Stay where you are! I’ll blow this whole building if I have to!
Nick slides to the floor, leaning against the cubicle. He pulls out his CELLPHONE. It reads, “No Signal….”
NICK
As you’re in the building, I doubt that’s your next move?
JOHN
I have an escape plan. Do you?
NICK
Even if the bomb is real, you can’t trigger it from in here. The room is sealed with aluminum.
JOHN
But I’m logged into the mainframe.
Nick scrambles to a terminal and logs in. He quickly types, “Bomb wired to mainframe. Sever connection.
The sprinkler system goes off — it begins RAINING inside the office.
JOHN
Shit.
John scrambles — he finds an umbrella under the desk and props it over the system he’s hacking.
As the water pours down from the sprinkler system, Nick sets his cell phone to RECORD.
NICK
The shares are yours. Dad wants you to have them. You own half.
JOHN
Half of nothing is nothing. Not if you expose Dad’s under-the-table deals, the press will make this place a circus. Zero Corp goes down in flames.
Nick simultaneously slides his CELL PHONE, still recording, close to John, while intentionally kicking a trash can.
The SOUND of the trash can alerts John who SHOOTS in Nick’s direction. It was a warning shot, aimed high.
JOHN
The fire was fake, because I needed to clear the building. The bomb’s real. Don’t make me use it.
NICK
We can save the company. Sure, we’ll take a hit in the short-term. We can do it together.
JOHN
I work better alone. And if I let you expose Dad, we’ll be criminals. We’ll be sued for billions.
NICK
We own unrivaled tech. I know what this company’s worth. I know what it’s capable of accomplishing. We can rebuild.
JOHN
Says the guy who lives in a penthouse. You’re giving me half the liability. You take down Zero Corp and it doesn’t change your lifestyle one bit.
NICK
You aren’t exactly starving. I’ve seen the operation you built. You impress me John.
JOHN
I built it by myself — no resources, no Ivy League education, no help — and I still don’t have a tenth of what you have. You walked into it. You were handed the company.
NICK
I’ve invested years! And created valuable IP!
JOHN
You were made CEO in your second year. Dad, told me everything.
NICK
Dad didn’t know everything — he wasn’t around. I personally developed our most profitable tech!
John begins deleting files from the server once they’re downloaded to the laptop.
JOHN
There he is — the entitled rich boy. And now you’re ready to smear your own father’s name — I won’t let you destroy Dad’s legacy.
NICK
I don’t want blood on our hands. I don’t want our legacy to be servicing dictators!
JOHN
What about Dad’s reputation? And what about your daughter’s future? The truth is you don’t want to share with your illegitimate brother.
NICK
Bullshit! I’m giving you half of all the patents. Legitimate patents!
JOHN
You’re not giving me anything. I own them, remember. Co-heir.
NICK
I created them! My blood and my sweat! I did the R and D, applications, marketing and closed the deals!
JOHN
You were given the best education, money, time, resources, experts, not to mention the industry contacts. And then you convince yourself that you’re better than the slob on the street who’s got to hustle just to pay rent.
NICK
I wasn’t handed the patents, but I I’m handing them to you — because you are co-heir.
JOHN
And now you’re going to get them seized by the government.
NICK
OK, what if you’re right? What if we just clean up Dad’s dirty business? We quietly cut them off. Then, we start over, together. You get access to the resources and the contacts.
JOHN
What if they don’t want to be cut off?
NICK
I’m not afraid of them. Don’t let the client own you. We run the business the way we want to run it.
JOHN
Your change of heart comes a little too easy.
NICK
I have my daughter to think about. Protecting her future. I don’t want the stench of this mess following her.
JOHN
I’ve seen the books. We’d bleed millions — and fast. A little hard to explain.
NICK
We’d survive. It’s a private company. I don’t have to explain my decisions.
JOHN
Rich boy’s back. You forget, it’s our company. And as your partner, I’m not agreeing to bleed.
NICK
You can’t tell me you want their business! Now that you know who these guys are?
JOHN
Has it ever occurred to you that our government is just like “these guys,” and the only reason it’s illegal to do business with “these guys” is because our government doesn’t want the competition.
NICK
You don’t believe that. And you can’t destroy all the evidence. Even if you blow the building and kill me, it’s still gonna get out.
JOHN
I don’t want to blow the building. I don’t even want to kill you. And I certainly don’t want the evidence destroyed. You under estimate Dad.
NICK
What’s that mean?
JOHN
Dear ol’ Dad got in bed with some top officials. Not just our mothers.
NICK
Shut up!
Nick looks around a corner at the cell phone. He begins to slowly move toward John to recover the cell phone during the following.
JOHN
Truth hurts. I know. Let’s just say, that key members of the Senate are very invested in this piece of business not going public. So I’m not destroying the evidence, I’m keeping it safe so it doesn’t hurt them. And us. And you will keep your mouth shut, because, as CEO for the last 10 years, no one’s going to believe you aren’t involved.
John glances over and sees Nick sneaking closer. Suddenly, he sees Nick’s cell phone. Nick lunges for it.
John tackles him. They’re in all-out dogfight over the cell phone.
Meanwhile, John’s laptop finishes downloading all the evidence.
Copyright 2021 Sydney Burtner, all rights reserved
-
CM 8 QE Cycle #2 — Write this Scene
Hi All: I’m matching Lessons numerically with forum Days, therefore Lesson 8 on Day 8. That’s my process until I’m told otherwise.
Cheers, Syd
LOGLINE: Half-brothers fight, perhaps to the death, over their father’s legacy — a multi-billion dollar bio tech firm, complicated by their recent discovery that Dad was trafficking illegal tech.
ESSENCE: After growing up the illegitimate-have-not, John wants his share. Working at the company for years, Nick feels entitled to make the decisions and refuses to let the illegal money-making continue.
SCENE:
INT. ZERO CORP CONTROL ROOM — DAY
A fire alarm BLARES on a top floor of the evacuated Zero Corp building. NICK, 40, and JOHN, 38 are hunched behind opposite cubicles. Each man holds a hand gun. John furiously hacks into a server attaching a laptop to download information.
The sprinkler system goes off — it begins RAINING inside the office.
JOHN
Shit.
John scrambles — he finds an umbrella under the desk and props it over the system he’s hacking.
NICK
It’s too late.
John points it in the direction of Nick’s voice.
JOHN
Stay where you are! I’ll blow this whole building if I have to!
Nick hadn’t planned on moving. He sits on the floor, leaning against the cubicle as the water pours down from the sprinkler system. He sets his cell phone to RECORD.
NICK
As you’re in the building, I doubt that’s your next move?
JOHN
I have an escape plan. Do you?
NICK
The shares are yours. Dad wants you to have them. You own half.
JOHN
Not if you expose Dad’s dirty deals. The press will make this place a circus. Zero Corp goes down in flames. Half of nothing is nothing.
Nick simultaneously slides his CELL PHONE, still recording, close to John, while intentionally knocking over a trash can.
John SHOOTS in Nick’s direction. It was a warning shot, aimed high.
JOHN
The fire was fake, because I needed to clear the building. The bomb’s real. Don’t make me use it.
NICK
We can save the company. Sure, we’ll take hit in the short-term, but we own unrivaled tech — legitimate patents.
JOHN
We’ll be sued for billions. We’ll be criminals. You’re giving me half the liability. For a so-called genius, you’re kind of an idiot.
NICK
I know what this company’s worth. I know what it’s capable of accomplishing. We can rebuild.
JOHN
Says the guy who lives in a penthouse. You take down Zero Corp and it doesn’t change your lifestyle one bit.
NICK
You aren’t exactly starving. I’ve seen the operation you built. You impress me John.
JOHN
Yeah, impressive. I built it from dirt — no resources, no Ivy League education, no help — and I still don’t have a tenth of what you have. You walked into it. You were handed the company.
NICK
I’ve invested years! And created valuable IP!
JOHN
You were made CEO in your second year here. Dad, told me everything.
NICK
I personally developed our most successful tech! Most profitable legitimate tech!
JOHN
Good for you. And now you’re ready to smear your own father’s name — who made your success possible. Destroy our father’s legacy.
NICK
I don’t want blood on our hands. Do you? I have a daughter. One day you will too. I don’t want our legacy to be servicing dictators!
JOHN
You don’t want to share with your illegitimate brother.
NICK
Bullshit. I’m giving you half of all the patents! Legitimate patents!
JOHN
You’re not giving me anything. I own them, remember. Co-heir.
NICK
I created the valuable ones! My blood and my sweat! I did the R and D, applications, marketing and closed the deals!
JOHN
You were given the best education, money, time, resources, experts, not to mention the industry contacts. And then you convince yourself that you’re better than the slob on the street who’s got to hustle just to pay rent.
NICK
I wasn’t handed the patents, but I I’m handing them to you — because you are co-heir.
JOHN
Ah well, privilege is invisible to those who have it.
NICK
You can’t tell me you want their business! Now that you know who these guys are?
JOHN
Has it ever occurred to you that our government is just like “these guys,” and the only reason it’s illegal to do business with “these guys” is because our government doesn’t want the competition.
NICK
You don’t believe that. You can’t destroy all the evidence. Even if you blow the building and kill me, it’s still gonna get out.
JOHN
I don’t want to blow the building. And I certainly don’t want the evidence destroyed. You under estimate Dad.
NICK
What’s that supposed to mean?
JOHN
Dear ol’ Dad got in bed with some top officials. Not just our mothers.
NICK
Shut up!
Nick looks around a corner at the cell phone. He begins to slowly move toward John to recover the cell phone during the following.
JOHN
Truth hurts. I know. Let’s just say, that key members of the Senate are very invested in this piece of business not going public. So I’m not destroying the evidence, I’m keeping it safe so it doesn’t hurt them. And you will too, because, as CEO for the last 10 years, no one’s going to believe you weren’t involved.
John glances over and sees Nick sneaking closer. Suddenly, he sees Nick’s cell phone. Nick lunges for it.
John tackles him. They’re in all-out dog fight over the cell phone.
Meanwhile, John’s laptop finishes downloading all the evidence.
Copyright 2021 Sydney Burtner, all rights reserved
-
Syd’s Critique of David Kandel’s TRENT AND ROBERT
(I’m matching Forum “Day 7” with “Lesson 7.” Hope that works.)
First off, this was a great ride — pun intended. David’s choice to write the scene in the midst of drug trafficking while speeding down the highway in a Mazerati upped the tension and propelled the read. He gets points for Suspense and Interesting Setting.
We (the audience) went through uncertainty, ie. Hope/Fear, during the police chase and, later, for Trent when, Surprise, their cargo turned out to be fake. The Mislead/Reveal (it was all a set-up at Robert’s expense), which uncovered Trent’s Betrayal and the audience was then placed in a Superior Position relative to Robert.
The scenario did not start in “celebration,” but that could be easily remedied with a few lines and Robert uncorking some champagne or popping open some beers. The “ass-whooping” turned out to be staged, which added to the interest of the scene (we’ll see how the producer feels about it).
Trent demonstrated all the assigned traits — in a way. He was aggressive and was clearly revealed to be conspiring. He “acted” needy in order to dupe Robert and he was “meticulous” in how he set up the dupe. The scene was about Trent’s subtext. Though it was not clear that he didn’t own the Maserati, he was manipulating Robert to do his bidding for free.
As for Robert’s traits, the low-self esteem really came through and I could see him as gregarious. The traits “smooth” and “secretive” didn’t really manifest. I didn’t see him as hiding something. The subtext — gossiping to take others down — was missing.
Overall, I saw this as a really good take on the scene — interesting and unpredictable, using many of the interest techniques. It would be up to the producer as to whether the missing elements present an issue, yet the writer is clearly capable of adding them in.
-
CM 6 Rewrite — Trent and Robert
INT. MIDTOWN EAST BAR – NIGHT
ROBERT, 38, tough guy in a leather jacket, but with an engaging smile enters. He drinks in the old-glamour ambiance.
TRENT, 35, silk suit and over-sized briefcase, cruises in and steps in front, opening his arms to the crowd. The BARTENDER and the REGULARS greet him.
BARTENDER
S’up Trent!
REGULARS
Trent!
He shakes the bartender’s hand. He greets a couple nearby.
KELLY, 25, a shapely waitress, in a short black cocktail dress, addresses him en route to the bar.
KELLY
Nice suit, Trent.
Trent turns around in the suit so Kelly, Robert and everyone else can check him out.
ROBERT
Lovely lady, we would like your best table.
KELLY
This way gentlemen.
En route Robert puts his hand on Trent’s shoulder. Both men check out Kelly from behind. Trent leans into Robert.
TRENT
I’ve been crunching the numbers. Based on the monthly revenues, we’re rolling. And with me running the front, it’ll only get better.
ROBERT
Look like you belong here, partner.
Trent runs his hands down the front of his suit appreciating the complement.
TRENT
I’m gonna go work the room. Watch my bag – it’s got our contract and my stock certificates.
Kelly seats Robert at a table on an elevated platform that overlooks the room.
ROBERT
What kind of steak do ya have?
KELLY
Actually, the food is more pub-style. I’ll bring you a menu.
ROBERT
Forget about it. Tell me Kelly, do ya like working here? Plan on sticking around for awhile?
KELLY
It’s a good gig – an upscale business crowd. But… I know it’s cliche – I’m an actress.
ROBERT
That doesn’t surprise me cause you’re gorgeous. I want an invite to your next performance.
KELLY
You got it. Mr. Troutman’s been great about giving me flexibility.
ROBERT
Troutman is the manager?
KELLY
He’s the owner.
ROBERT
Owner? Huh. I’d like to meet him.
KELLY
He’s out for two weeks. Cayman Islands. I’ll introduce you when he’s back.
ROBERT
Huh. Yeah, we’ll do that, but right now I’m celebrating. Bring me the best scotch in the house.
KELLY
You sure? It’s unopened and…
ROBERT
Perfect. Only the best for me… and my partner.
She goes into the back room. Trent returns and sits with Robert.
TRENT
Isn’t this place everything I said.
ROBERT
I’ve seen worse. I was a little nervous putting cash down sight unseen, but this place lives up to the hype.
TRENT
This is the go-to spot for all the CEOs and the Big Dealers. You and I are gonna make a killing.
ROBERT
Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.
Trent looks at him quizzically and opens his mouth, but Robert cuts him off.
ROBERT
They don’t got steak. A place like this should have steak.
TRENT
We’re the guys that can fix that.
Robert leans back.
ROBERT
Yeah. After fifteen years working for the man. I’m the owner, not the the fool behind the bar.
(to the bartender)
No offense.
TRENT
Moving up. How’d you get your share of the cash on a bartender’s salary?
ROBERT
Side hustle. We need to celebrate. Time to drink.
Kelly brings the bottle to the table.
ROBERT
So, Partner, when you gonna produce your half of the deposit?
TRENT
What’re you hassling me for? I told you I was cashing in stock. It’ll take a few days. Paperwork. Jeez.
Trent pats his briefcase. Kelly grimaces at the interchange.
ROBERT
Don’t get bent. I’m just a little light on cash.
TRENT
I did you a favor by letting you in on this deal. I told you where my money’s coming from, which is more than you told me?
ROBERT
I earned it.
TRENT
Doing what?
Robert smiles at Kelly and avoids the question by taking the bottle.
ROBERT
Let’s seal the deal with a toast.
Robert moves to open the seal — before he can, Trent snaps it out of his hands.
TRENT
Whoa! McCallan M! This stuff is twenty thousand a shot. We’re not opening this!
ROBERT
What’re you talking about?
TRENT
This is a collector’s item. Probably picked up at auction.
ROBERT
Oh.
(to Kelly)
I’ll take the McCallan 12.
TRENT
Ketel One martini for me, straight up and dirty. Chilled glass please.
Kelly turns to put in the order, but has to turn back.
TRENT
Kells, three olives. And by ‘dirty,’ I mean slightly dirty. Don’t let your guy over do it.
Again, Kelly makes a few steps to the bar, but has to stop.
TRENT
Oh and, grab me a couple of brown paper bags.
(to Robert)
This is why I gotta run the front.
ROBERT
Seriously? Twenty “Gs” an ounce.
Trent takes the bottle and tucks it in his big briefcase.
TRENT
Yeah, and they got it hidden in the back.
ROBERT
That’s a lot of our inventory you’re putting in your bag.
TRENT
(offended)
I’m gonna get a special locked cabinet, that shows the label. We put it where everyone can see it.
ROBERT
Why’d you got take the bottle?
Trent gets up and stands over Robert.
TRENT
Ya gotta be seen. What’d you think I’m an asshole? I’m gonna steal my own stuff?
Trent stares down Robert who sheepishly backs down.
ROBERT
I’m just saying… it’s a lot of money.
TRENT
I’ll take care of it!
ROBERT
Slow down partner. It’s all good.
Trent sees Kelly bringing their drinks.
TRENT
I gotta take a leak. Drinks are on the house obviously, but give her a good tip. Gotta keep staff happy.
Trent exits. Robert speaks under his breath.
ROBERT
Half of it’s mine or I’m the asshole.
Kelly sets the glasses on the table. Robert gives her a twenty dollar bill.
KELLY
I’m sorry, what was that?
ROBERT
I was saying, my financial partner, in the suit, he’s a talent agent.
KELLY
Trent? Really? Which agency?
ROBERT
It’s something with a ‘W’ I think. He doesn’t advertise it. He keeps a low profile among civilians.
KELLY
WME! Trent’s with WME?
ROBERT
Yeah, that’s the one. He’s kind of a big deal. I could ask him to meet with you one-on-one, if you like.
KELLY
Please! That would be amazing!
ROBERT
Just play it cool for a minute. I’ll hook you up.
KELLY
Thank you. I’ve got a scene prepared. I’ll be ready.
He winks. She hustles back behind the bar and puts on lipstick. Kelly starts silently rehearsing her lines.
Trent returns. He sees the PAPER BAGS Kelly left. He puts the expensive bottle in the bags and wraps it tight. He places it back in his briefcase as Robert glares, then leans in.
ROBERT
(whispers)
Hey, you got an admirer.
Trent looks at him curious.
ROBERT
Kelly. I told her you were a good guy.
Trent looks over at the bar. She notices and smiles big. He returns the smile.
TRENT
What’d she say?
ROBERT
She was asking about you. If you were available? She likes the suit-type. Every woman like a high roller… like yourself.
TRENT
But… she’s staff.
ROBERT
Want me to hook you up?
Trent thinks about it and looks over at her.
ROBERT
Stay here, I’ll arrange for you to talk privately.
Robert winks and walks over to Kelly. They converse inaudibly. Back at the table, Trent pops a mint.
Robert points Kelly to a back room. She smiles at Trent and walks into it. Robert gives Trent the thumbs up. Trent stands, buttoning his suit and saunters after her.
Smirking, Robert hurriedly goes to Trent’s briefcase and goes through it checking over his shoulder. Instead of files, he finds clothes inside.
He checks the pocket, finding a plane ticket to St. Barth’s and an envelope full of money. Grimacing he glares at the back room door.
He tucks the cash in his jacket pocket, grabs the brown paper-wrapped scotch and hands it back to the bartender. He pulls out brass knuckles and fits it on his fist. He waits.
KELLY (O.S.)
Ahhhhh! Stop!
Kelly runs out of the back room with Trent chasing.
TRENT
What? What’d I do?
Robert steps between them, grabbing Trent’s scruff and getting in face.
ROBERT
You wanna know how I make cash? I’m part of the gig economy. I’m a freelance debt collector.
Robert grabs him by the collar and drags him into the back.
TRENT
I don’t think she likes me!
-
CM 5: QE Cycle #1 — Write this Scene
INT. MIDTOWN EAST BAR – NIGHT
ROBERT, 42, tough guy in a leather jacket, but with an engaging smile steps in and drinks in the old glamour ambiance. KELLY, 25, a beautiful waitress, in a short black cocktail dress, takes an order back to the bar.
KELLY
Sit anywhere you like.
ROBERT
Damn straight.
She glances at him quizzically, yet keeps smiling.
ROBERT
Sorry. I’m Robert. I’m one of the new owners.
KELLY
Oh! Well, most agree that the best table is right here. I’m Kelly.
She seats him at a table on an elevated platform that overlooks the room.
ROBERT
What kind of steak do ya have?
KELLY
Actually, it’s more of pub-style menu. I’ll bring you a menu.
ROBERT
Forget about it. Tell me Kelly, do ya like working here? Plan on sticking around?
KELLY
It’s a good gig – an upscale business crowd. I know it’s cliche, but I’m an actress.
ROBERT
Impressive. Make sure you invite me to your next performance.
TRENT, 35, silk suit and over-sized briefcase, cruises in. He shakes the bartenders hand. He greets a couple nearby.
TRENT
(to bartender)
Put their drinks on my tab.
Robert walks over and greets him with a two-handed handshake.
ROBERT
Look like you belong here, partner.
Trent turns about in the suit so Robert can check him out.
TRENT
Hey, this place everything I said, right?
ROBERT
I’ve seen worse.
Trent puts his hand on Robert’s shoulder and walks him back to the “best” table. He’s been here before.
TRENT
This is the go-to spot for all the CEOs and the Big Dealers. You and I are gonna make a killing.
ROBERT
Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.
TRENT
Huh?
ROBERT
They don’t got steak. A place like this should have steak.
TRENT
We’re the guys that can fix that.
They sit. Robert leans back.
ROBERT
Yeah, I’m an owner. After twenty years working for the system. I’m no longer the fool.
TRENT
What kind of work were you in?
ROBERT
We need to celebrate. Time to drink.
(loud)
Your best scotch.
Kelly whispers inaudibly to the Bartender. She climbs a stool and opens an unlocked cabinet.
KELLY
You sure? It’s unopened and…
ROBERT
Perfect. Only the best for me… and my partner.
Kelly pulls out a bottle and brings it to the table.
ROBERT
(to Trent)
So, Partner, when can get your half of the deposit.
TRENT
What? I told you I was cashing in some stocks. It would take a few days. Paperwork. Jeez.
ROBERT
Don’t get bent. I’m just a little light on cash.
TRENT
I did you a favor by letting you in on this deal. I told you where my money’s coming from, which is more than you told me?
ROBERT
Savings. I earned it.
TRENT
Doing what?
Robert looks at the bottle Kelly brought, holding out his hand to take it from her.
ROBERT
Now we’re talking. Let’s celebrate.
Robert moves to unseal the bottle — before he can, Trent snaps it out of his hands.
TRENT
Whoa! McCallan M! This is twenty thousand a shot. We’re not opening this.
ROBERT
What’re you talking about?
TRENT
This is a collectors item. Probably picked up at auction. Very rare.
ROBERT
Oh.
(to Kelly)
I’ll take the McCallan 12.
TRENT
Ketel One martini, straight up and dirty. Chilled glass please.
Kelly turns to put in the order, but has to turn back.
TRENT
Miss, three olives. And by ‘dirty,’ I mean slightly dirty. Don’t let Champ over do it.
Again, Kelly makes a few steps to the bar, but has to stop.
TRENT
And Miss, grab me a couple of brown paper bags.
(to Robert)
This is why we need me running the front.
ROBERT
Seriously? Twenty “Gs” an ounce.
TRENT
Yeah, and they got it hidden away. I know a guy who can make a special locked cabinet, that shows the label. And we put it where everyone can see it.
ROBERT
Who’s this guy?
TRENT
He works out of his studio in Chelsea. No store front. I’ll take care of it. No problem.
ROBERT
That’s a lot of our inventory in one bottle. I’m just saying… I’d like to know his name.
TRENT
I said, I’ll take care of it. What’d you think I’m going to hand it over to an asshole?
Trent sees Kelly bringing their drinks.
TRENT
I gotta take a leak. Drinks are on the house obviously, but give her a good tip. Gotta keep staff happy.
Trent exits. Robert speaks under his breath.
ROBERT
I think I’m the asshole.
Kelly sets the glasses on the table. Robert gives her a twenty dollar bill.
KELLY
I’m sorry, what was that?
ROBERT
I was saying, my financial partner, in the suit, he’s a talent agent.
KELLY
Really? Which agency?
ROBERT
It’s something with a ‘W’ I think. He likes to keep a low profile with civilians like myself.
KELLY
WME!
ROBERT
Yeah, that’s the one. He’s kind of a big deal. This bar is just a side hustle for him. I could convince him to meet with you one-on-one, if you like.
KELLY
Please! That would be amazing!
ROBERT
Just play it cool for a minute. I’ll hook you up when I find an opportunity.
KELLY
Thank you. I’ve got a scene prepared. I’ll be ready.
He winks. She hustle’s back behind the bar and puts on lipstick. She starts silently rehearsing her lines.
Trent returns. He sees the PAPER BAGS Kelly left. He puts the expensive bottle in the bags and wraps it tight. He places it in his briefcase as Robert glares, then leans in.
ROBERT
(whispers)
Hey, you got an admirer.
Trent looks at him quizzically.
ROBERT
The waitress. I told her you were a good guy… and available.
Trent looks over at the bar. She notices and smiles big. He returns the smile.
TRENT
What’d she say?
ROBERT
She was asking about you. She likes the suit-type. Every woman like a high roller… like yourself.
TRENT
Yeah, but she’s staff.
ROBERT
Want me to hook you up?
Trent thinks about it and looks over at her.
ROBERT
Stay here, I’ll talk to her.
Robert walks over to Kelly. They converse inaudibly. Back at the table, Trent smells his breath and pops a mint.
Robert points Kelly to a back room. She smiles at Trent and walks into the back room. Robert gives Trent the thumbs up. Trent stands, buttoning his suit and saunters after her.
Smirking, Robert sees Trent left his briefcase. He hurriedly goes to it and goes through it checking over his shoulder. He finds clothes instead of files inside.
He checks the pocket, finding a plane ticket to St. Barth’s. Grimacing he glares at the back room door.
He grabs the brown paper-wrapped scotch and hands it back to the bartender. He pulls out brass knuckles and fits it on his fist. He marches into the back room.
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ASSIGNMENT
Syd Finds the Essence
What I’ve learned is how precisely George followed the Hero’s Journey model when writing STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE.
Script: Star Wars — A New Hope; Shooting Script, 4th Draft
Scene 1 Location: Leia introduced in opening sequence, Scene 7
Logline: A sixteen year-old princess charges a small robot to deliver technical specs that can undo the Empire’s ultimate weapon — while in the losing end of an all-out dog fight with an Imperial cruiser.
Essence: Princess Leia puts the fate of the universe is in the hands of a defiant robot to save civilization from the ruthless Empire, personified by Darth Vader.
Scene 2 Location: Binary Sunset; Scenes 31-32, Desire Stated
Logline: Luke negotiates with Uncle Owen to leave (to go to the Academy), but resigns himself to staying on the Farm.
Essence: Luke knows he’s made for more, desiring a life of purpose — symbolized by the two Suns, but chooses to do his duty. The Suns represent his choices, also underscored by his two father-figure/mentors. Uncle Owen represents responsibility and obedience, but also is the voice that keeps Luke small. Obi-Wan also represents responsibility — but to the larger cause. He speaks dignity and empowerment into Luke and encourages his potential. This scene occurs right before he meets the latter.
Scene 3 Location: Imperial Troopers attack Lars Homestead; Sc 48-50
Logline: In the Empire search for the droids, the Empire torches Luke’s home. He arrives to find Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru dead.
Essence: Luke can no longer resist the call to fight the Empire.
Scene 4 Location: Mos Easley / Cantina; sc 54-61
Logline: Ben Kenobi recruits a discreet pilot, Han Solo, and his co-pilot Chewy. While Ben and Luke evade the Empire, Han dodges the mob, led by Jabba the Hut.
Essence: After choosing his mission, Luke enters a new world where danger comes from all sides — not just the Empire — but he catches his first glimpse of the power of the force.
Scene 5 Location: Obi-Wan / Darth Vader duel; Scene 145 (Sc 141-145)
Logline: Luke and team rescue Princess Leia, forcing Obi-Wan into a duel to the death with Darth Vader, his former pupil.
Essence: Obi-Wan sacrifices himself pushing Luke to step into leadership and fulfill his destiny.
Please select the scene that you feel had the most profound essence and post the scene along with its essence. Then in three sentences or so, tell us why you believe this is the essence of this scene.
INT. DEATH STAR – HALLWAY
Solo, Chewie, Luke, and Leia tensely watch the duel. The
troops rush toward the battling knights.
HAN
Now’s our chance! Go!
They start for the Millennium Falcon. Ben sees the troops
charging toward him and realizes that he is trapped. Vader
takes advantage of Ben’s momentary distraction and brings
his mighty lightsaber down on the old man. Ben manages to
deflect the blow and swiftly turns around.
The old Jedi Knight looks over his shoulder at Luke, lifts
his sword from Vader’s then watches his opponent with a
serene look on his face.
Vader brings his sword down, cutting old Ben in half. Ben’s
cloak falls to the floor in two parts, but Ben is not in it.
Vader is puzzled at Ben’s disappearance and pokes at the
empty cloak. As the guards are distracted, the adventurers
and the robots reach the starship. Luke sees Ben cut in two
and starts for him. Aghast, he yells out.
LUKE
No!
The stormtroopers turn toward Luke and begin firing at him.
The robots are already moving up the ramp into the
Millennium Falcon, while Luke, transfixed by anger and awe,
returns their fire. Solo joins in the laserfire. Vader looks
up and advances toward them, as one of his troopers is
struck down.
HAN (to Luke)
Come on!
LEIA
Come on! Luke, its too late!
HAN
Blast the door! Kid!
Luke fires his pistol at the door control panel, and it
explodes. The door begins to slide shut. Three troopers
charge forward firing laser bolts, as the door slides to a
close behind them, shutting Vader and the other troops out
of the docking bay. A stormtrooper lies dead at the feet of
his onrushing compatriots. Luke starts for the advancing
troops, as Solo and Leia move up the ramp into the
pirateship. He fires, hitting a stormtrooper, who crumbles
to the floor.
BEN’S VOICE
Run, Luke! Run!
Luke looks around to see where the voice came from. He turns
toward the pirate ship, ducking Imperial gunfire from the
troopers and races into the ship.
This is a particularly emotionally-charged scene for Luke as he lost his Father when he was young and recently lost his father-figure, Uncle Owen. Obi-Wan assumed the role of mentor for Luke, a superior mentor because Obi-Wan believed in Luke’s potential and greater destiny. In making the sacrifice Obi-Wan not only allows the others to escape, he also signals to Luke that he’s ready — he no longer needs Ben. The audience also understands from this scene, that Ben becomes one with the force, which I believe symbolized that the force / victory is Luke’s destiny.
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Syd Burtner’s Critique of David Kandel’s rewrite — Nick and John
Hi David:
Critique of your piece below. I’d love feedback if you have a few minutes — mine is posted in Forum Day 10. (I’m posting my assignments by matching Lesson # with Day # in the Forum, i.e., Lesson 10 assignment in Day 10 Forum banner. That’s my method until someone tells me otherwise.)
Cheers, Syd
Review:
An interesting scenario — I definitely see John being Distrustful of Nick and Loyal to Connie. While he spends a lot of time in his room — you’ve actually given him a good reason, so I’m not sure he reads as a Loner. (Perhaps, Nick and his girlfriend could ask him to watch a movie with them or he brings home Chinese food and goes straight to his room — just a thought?)
As for Daring, not sure that I’m seeing that. As for John’s subtext, I’m assuming that he comes home suspecting that Nick’s stolen his work. It’s a little on the nose as written. John could be a little more crafty at tricking Nick into a confession — though it fits the requirement. (Perhaps he comes home, earlier than expected, and catch Nick emailing Connie.)
Ah Nick, definitely comes across as confident, and I guess he’s both giving and conniving by reminding John that he does all the chores. The whole scenario ends up in Nick’s subtext as the point is he’s taking advantage of John — perhaps you could show how he invited (manipulated) John into living with him so that he could take advantage of all of his work.
I liked the changes you made from the first draft — made it more effective.
Overall, well done.
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Hi Karen:
I’m assuming this is your rewrite. I’ve given some feedback below. If you have the time would love some feedback on my rewrite. I’ve posted it under “Day 10” banner.
I’m matching the Lesson with the same numbered Day in the forum — until someone tells me otherwise (i.e., Lesson 10 = Day 10). Write on.
Cheers, Syd
Syd Burtner’s Critique for Karen Crider — Cycle 2
I like that you gave the characters traits additional to the required ones. And, that these traits fed the narrative you created.
For John, I saw the daring in willingness knock out his brother (in his brother’s territory) to pull a gun on him. Distrust for his brother was clear as was loyalty to his mother. I’m guessing his dislike of being touched is a reference him being a loner, though you do make him have a fiancé — so not too much of a loner.
The narrative was about John tricking Nick — letting him lie about their mother’s ring.
Nick was interesting with the confidence and conniving traits being the strongest. He was giving, in his willingness to buy lunch — that appeared to be more of a conniving move, which may be a good thing. He is rebellious in the context of family. As for Nick’s subtext, perhaps, the intent was that he already took advantage by hocking the ring and his manipulation was to cover it up?
Overall, nice work!
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Hi David:
Nice job. Do you want to exchange critiques? I’m gonna hack this new system — and write up a brief on your script and post it under Day 7. (Tried to figure out how to message you — still working on it.)
Please give me a brief critique if you have time.
Cheers, Sydney Burtner
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Hey Karen:
Thanks for your comments. I’m having a hard time posting. I wasn’t sure anyone could see my stuff. I’m glad you were able to. Will try to get some comments out.
Cheers, Syd