[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Budget

What I learned: By dividing budget into main variables and secondary variables, you can suggest small or big changes to the overall production budget.

The main variables are locations and extras. Losing the crowd scene at the beginning and replacing it with either stock footage or just a sound track would cut the actor/extra budget significantly. Shooting the crash site on green screen would enable the bulk of the movie to be contained on a sound stage vs mountain location.

It’s possible to elliminate the publicist part completely with a rewrite, but I wouldnt recommend it.

That’s about it.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom Writes Great Hope/Fear!

What I learned: This exercise helped me make sure all four acts put the reader on a roller coaster of emotions.

Act 1:
• DANGEROUS: At a small airport, Limo carrying A RAPPER, his MANAGER and PUBLICIST are mobbed on their way to their private plane following a concert. OUT OF CONTROL: DRIVER tries to drive through rowdy fans who pound on windows and rock limo. HOPE: SECURITY GUYS try to hold them back as they race to the plane. INTRIGUE: Publicist turns on switch hidden in her hat, puts hat on. Her phone shows scene in front of her. FEAR: PILOT warns of approaching snowstorm, OPPOSING NEEDS: says they should wait. It out, Manager agrees with Pilot. Publicist tells Rapper he’s too headstrong. FORCED TO DEAL WITH EACH OTHER: All three argue. But Rapper demands they take off anyway. Distracted FANBOY fills fuel tank. IMPENDING DOOM: Insert of Fuel Type warning sticker not to mistake regular and jet fuel. FEAR: As the plane climbs the rocky peaks in the turbulent storm, engine starts to sputter. HOPE: Sputtering stops. Engine seems to be okay. FEAR: Sputtering gets worse! HOW MANY THINGS CAN GO WRONG?: Engine dies! THREAT: Pilot: assume the crash postion! DESTRUCTION: • Inciting Incident: The plane crashes high in the mountains. FEAR: Radio broken. HOPE: Pilot tells Rapper transponder will have searchers locate them. FEAR: Plane slips a bit! They’re trapped in the plane! DEATH: •
FEAR: Wreckage dangles precipice with Dead Pilot, Manager and Publicist inside. HELPLESS: All passengers try cell phones. ISOLATION: No coverage..

TURNING POINT: Pilot dies

Act 2:
TRIGGERING EACH OTHER: Rapper and Manager blame each other. HOPE: Rapper manages to kick out windscreen and escape plane. !FEAR: Wreckage slips
HOPE: Rapper makes a HELP sign out of rocks, continues to try phone PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES (FEAR): Publicist becoming hysterical. HOPE: Rapper tries to climb back into into wreckage. FEAR: Plane slips! Too risky! HOPE: Manager calms her down with funny memory. INTRIGUE: What’s really going on between them? HOPE: • Manager tries to climb out: TRAPPED: Bulkhead in the way! FEAR: Wreckage slips again! HOPE: Publicist gets intermittent cell phone signal. Rescuers looking for them! FORCED TO DEAL WITH EACH OTHER Manager manages to move bulkhead and free himself and Pubicist. Manager reminds Rapper this was all his doing
REVEAL: Rapper reminds Manager he’d be in prison but for his father the attorney’s help. REVEAL: Manager reveals it’s actually his life and lyrics that made this poser — the Rapper — a huge success.

TURNING PONT: DANGER: Rapper tries to leave, slips and nearly falls to his death

Act 3:
HOPE: Manager ties electrical to sapling and pulls Rapper toward safety FEAR: Sapling bends, starts to crack. HOPE: Sapling holds enough for Manager to save Rapper
FEAR: Publicist announces she’s losing phone charge
•• Turning Point: Starts to snow and blow hard.
FEAR: Rapper decides he has to kill Manager.
HOPE: Publicist warns him she has been filming everything via hidden camera

TURNING PONT: DANGER: Fight causes an avalanche, burying Manager and Rapper

Act 4:
HOPE: Publicist climbs out of plane
FEAR: Frantically digs for Manager and Rapper
HOPE: Pulls Manager out of snow
FEAR: Manager hypothermia
HOPE: Pulls Rapper out of snow
FEAR: Rapper hypothermia, not breathing
HOPE: Manager resuscitates him
HOPE: Publicist gets call from Rescuers on cell phone
FEAR: Call gets cut off
HOPE: Chopper appears out of storm
FEAR: Rescue chopper can’t land
HOPE: Rescue team fast ropes to ground with basket stretcher
FEAR: Rapper almost falls from basket but recovers

END: All three are placed in chopper and treated

• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Tom Freyer.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s 4 Act Structure

What I learned: These prompts are helping me flesh out my outline, and is helping me see where the holes lie

• Concept: When a spoiled, self-centered white rapper’s private plane crashes and dangles precariously on a remote mountain precipice, the rap artist, his Black manager and female publicist must try to escape the wreckage, reckon with their differences while avoiding sudden death.

• Main Conflict: Between the Rap Artist and his Manager over credit and blame

2. Fill in each of these Acts with the answers you have right now.

Act 1:
• Opening: At a small airport, A RAPPER, his MANAGER and PUBLICIST are mobbed on their way to their private plane following a concert. Publicist checks something hidden in her hat. The PILOT warns of approaching snowstorm. Manager agrees with Pilot. Rapper demands they take off anyway. FANBOY fills the fuel tank with wrong fuel.
• Inciting Incident: The wrong fuel causes the plane to crash high in the mountains. Radio broken. Pilot tells Rapper about transponder. Rapper able to extricate himself.
• Turning Point: Pilot dies. Wreckage starts to slide off precipice with Manager and Publicist inside. Rapper and passengers try cell phones. No coverage.
• Tension builds between Rapper and Manager. Wreckage slips.

Act 2:
• Rapper makes a HELP sign out of rocks, continues to try phone
• Rapper tries to climb into wreckage — too risky
• Manager tries to climb out: Wreckage slips_ bulkhead in the way!
• Manager reminds Rapper this was his doing
• Turning Point: Rapper reminds Manager he’d be in prison but for the Rapper’s help.
• Manager reveals it’s actually his life and lyrics that made this disgusting poser — the Rapper — a huge success

Act 3:
• Rapper pries electrical cord loose, tries and fails to pull publicist out
• Publicist fears she’s going to die, so she comes clean: admits affair with Manager.
• Rapper decides to abnadon them and climb down mountain, slips and nearly falls.
• Turning Point: Starts to snow and blow hard.
• Rapper decides he has to kill Manager.
• Reveal: Publicist warns him she has been filming everything via hidden camera

Act 4:
• Manager manages to bemd bulhead and climbs out of plane. He and Junior fight
• Junior tumbles over cliff, plummets to his death
• Rescue chopper arrives, pulls D’Andre and Publicist to safety

• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Tom Freyer.
• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Tom Freyer.

[Tom Freyer]

Subject line: Tom Delivers Multiple Layers!
What I learned: Brainstorming potential layers via plot, character, and location gives me multiple story devices to surprise and intrigue the reader/audience.

1. Brainstorm potential plot layers.
• Major scheme revealed: D’Andre is the true talent behind all of Junior’s hits
• Mystery revealed: D’Andre doesn’t spill the beans because Junior buried D’Andre’s crime
• Thought it was one thing, but it is another: Thought D’Andre is the bad guy but it’s Junior
• Major shift in Meaning: D’Andre is the one with morals
• Hidden history : Junior despised by his successful father
• Hidden plan: D’Andre and Meghan planned to quit and run off together

2. Brainstorm potential character layers.
• Secret identity: Junior was a rich kid, D’Andre was the real gangster
• Intrigue layers: How will they escape death on the mountain? Why does Junior use D’andre? Why does D’Andre accept Junior’s fame? Which of her lovers will Meghan side with?
• Hidden relationships and conspiracies: Junior’s and D’Andre’s secret agreement, Meghan and D’Andre’s secret agreement
• Hidden Character history: D’Andre was a gangster, Junior was a privileged rich kid

3. Brainstorm potential location layers.
• Hidden operation: Distracted fan puts wrong fuel in the TurboProp plane
• Deeper meaning: They’re actually all dead: It’s just Junior’s last breainwaves trying to straighten everything out
• Trap to draw prey: Junior fixed the fuel swap to crash the plane and get rid of D’Andre
• Unique sub-world: D’Andre wants Junior dead to cash in on insurance

4. Tell us about the layers you’ve chosen.
• Surface Layer: Junior G is is successful and popular Rapper trapped in a plane crash
• Beneath That: It’s really D’Andre’s life he raps about –D’Andre is the real talent behind Junior’s hits. Killing D’Andre would keep Junior’s secret safe
• How Revealed: D’Andre makes him confess on phone recording as they prepare to die in the plane crash. Junior decides to take the phone rom him,
kill D’Andre and Meghan to protect his secret.

• This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by  Tom Freyer.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’S Character Journeys!

What I learned: Creating a three Act Journey for each main character strengthens the story, builds in the plot twists and simplifies the outline.

JUNIOR: Protagonist turns Antagonist
Beginning: Spoiled star
Turning Point: Plane crash
Midpoint: Afraid to rescue friends
Turning Point 2: Snowstorm
Dilemma: Save them or kill them
3rd Act Climax: Decides to kill them, falls to his death
Ending: Helicopter arrives

D’ANDRE: Antagonist turned protagonist
Beginning: Subservient Manager
Turning Point: Plane crash
Midpoint: Reveals Junior’s ruse
Turning Point 2: Snowstorm
Dilemma: Either attempt escape or plummet to death
3rd Act Climax: Fights Junior to death
Ending: Helicopter arrives

MEGHAN: Pubilcist, Love Interest
Beginning: Junior’s admiring Publicist and lover
Turning Point: Plane crash
Midpoint: Disheartened with Junior when D’Andre reveals Junior is a phony, affair with D’Andre
Turning Point 2: Snowstorm
Dilemma: She must pick a side
3rd Act Climax: Chooses to save D’Andre, kill Junior
Ending: Helicopter arrives

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Character Depth!

I learned that just by brainstorming these character prompts, I was able to discover deeper layers to the characters and story and thereby dial up the intrigue and provide new twists.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Right Characters

I learned crafting each character to uniquely fit the hook up front will improve the storybuilding process.
Each of my characters, although seemingly random, turn out to have a strong relationship to the hook and a future dilemma.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Contained Version of The Revenant

What I learned: It’s quite possible to create a compelling story limiting the locations, stunts and talent, in this case by making it about a man’s struggle to prevail against an enormous grizzly bear.

TITLE: THE REVENANT
AS THEY DID IT:
A. Locations: 11 or 12
B. People: Eight principles
C. Stunts; Battle with Indian battle, fight with bear, falling off cliff
D. Extras: hundreds
E. Wardrobe: Frontier
CONTAINED VERSION:
A. Locations: 1 (a cave)
B. People : 3-4
C. Stunts: Fight with Bear
D. Extras: a few
E. Wardrobe: Frontier

[Tom Freyer]

1. Name? Tom Freyer
2. How many scripts you’ve written? Twelve feature screeplays and five pilots
3. What you hope to get out of the class? A simple but stunning contained script I can sell
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? PT Barnum is my great, great, great uncle.

[Tom Freyer]

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Tom Freyer]

“THE WORM”

OUTLINE 1

By Tom Freyer

LOGLINE: When a shapeshifting nematode invades a top-secret Nuclear Submarine and begins snacking on the crew, America’s first female Navy Seal must find and destroy it before it finishes the crew and starts WWIII.

ACT I

EXT. “BUDS” CLASS – NAVAL SPECIAL WARFARE TRAINING CENTER, CORONADO, CA. – DAY

It’s “Hell Week.” Fifty SEAL Wanna-bes compete for time and endurance, filling their rubber landing craft with rocks and hauling them through hell and high water while live rounds are fired.

A Female Instructor, CHIEF WARRANT OFFICER ANGEL HERRERA, 27, tough as nails, holds a stopwatch and a clipboard. She calls one guy a pussy, warns him to ignore their pain and fear. Guy’s friend reminds him she was the first female Navy Seal. GUY: “A real ball buster.” FRIEND: “Say that to her face.”

An Officer in dress blues approaches with a phone. It’s CHIEF PETTY OFFICER RAY RAY DELACOURT. He brings good news. Their year-long sub training has paid off. They’ve both been commissioned for the new nuclear submarine USS BARACK OBAMA. She hugs him.

EXT. /INT. SECRET HANGER, USS BARACK OBAMA – DAY

Angel and Ray Ray meet CAPT. VANDERPOOL and Crew.

INT. SUB – DAY

At sea, the Captain opens his top secret orders. Sail to the Sea of Japan and hunt down and gather intelligence about North Korea’s new nuclear submarine under orders of silent running: Absolutely no noise.

SEA OF JAPAN

INT. SUB – DAY

On Monitor, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER PATEL spots a crashed UAP (UFO) embedded in the sea floor. Alien cadavers float by.

ON MONITOR: CU Alien face, minus an eye! Patel screams

INT. MEDICAL OFFICE, SUB – DAY

He contacts the Bridge and asks Captain for permission to use minisub to take an alien specimen.. Captain denies him, but CIA officer XO HARTNETT tells him to go ahead.

INT. DRY DOCK, SUB – DAY

Patel observes how alien is mutilated like Montana cattle. He exits dry dock. When he returns, Alien cadaver is gone! He contacts Hartnett who visits with Chief Engineer DAVE OSMOND, 45.

ON MONITOR SCREEN:

Dr. Patel enters dry-dock. Something locks the door from inside. Hartnett and Osmond can see an object, somewhat camouflaged among the hydraulic pipes, slithering toward Dr. Patel.

Patel can’t hear them scream his name into the intercom.

Hartnett tells Osmond to call the Captain, and then runs for the Dry-Dock.

INT. DRY-DOCK – SUB – SAME

DR. PATEL

AAAAUUUGHHHHH!

A worm-like creature, still camouflaged, attacks him, its spinning saw-blade teeth cuts a hole through his right eye. The worm dives into Dr. Patel’s body just as Hartnett arrives. It eats its way through him to his adrenal glands, and out his side… just as Hartnett arrives. It escapes into a drainpipe and down a series of long plumbing pipes.

INT. BRIDGE, SUB – SAME

Osmond sputters out what he saw on the monitor. Captain, shocked, demands proof. Osmond runs toward his cube, holding his gut.

INT. PASSAGEWAY HEAD (RESTROOM), SUB – SAME

Osmond hurries, pulls down his pants and sits on the toilet.

INT. PLUMBING PIPE – SAME

The worm swims toward a bright opening ahead.

INT. PASSAGEWAY HEAD – SAME

On Osmond’s face as the worm slams into his anus. Blood erupts from his mouth.

INT. DRY DOCK – SAME

Hartnett, horrified, pulls an alarm. Mute red ceiling lights blink throughout the sub.

INT. BRIDGE – DAY

Hartnett replays the monitor footage of the creature for Angel, Ray Ray and the Captain.

Captain wants to keep news about creature from crew until they can find it and kill it. Says it will cause widespread panic and unnecessary noise, which will reveal the sub’s position to the enemy. Angel argues to no avail.

In Act I, Angel argues with the Captain, who says he wants to prevent panic—orders them to keep the cause of Dr. Patel’s and Dave Osmond’s deaths– the worm– secret from the crew until he/they can figure out a way to kill it.)

ACT II

INT. MESS HALL – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – LATER

First Mate and constant joker CONNOR MCCAFFERY, 32, stands next to Seaman ANDY CHAVEZ, 23 at a table with four CREWMATES, also from the missile section known as the Bomb Squad. Connor produces a small, badly wrapped package.

CONNOR

Andy Chavez, as your First Mate,

It is my honor to present you with this pin

signifying your promotion to Seaman First Class.

Connor sits down to film the moment on his cellphone. The Crewmates smile and applaud quietly. Chavez examines the present and gently tears off the wrapping.

CHAVEZ

Wow! Thanks guys. I don’t know what to say.

He opens the box. A joke “snake” springs out. Chavez emits a high-pitched scream.

When he recovers, he holds up the “snake,”shakes his head, and retrieves the genuine pin. Connor and the Bomb Squad laugh, congratulate him, etc. They huddle together watching the video replay. POV: Something approaches the men’s feet along the floorboards. The mess hall lights go out. Darkness.

CONNOR (O.C.)

Hey, wha—AAUAACK!

Loud screams, bellows, and other tortured noises erupt in the darkness.

INT. PASSAGEWAY – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – SAME

Angel and Ray Ray, still furious from their meeting with Captain Vanderpool, pass by the noisy, darkened mess hall. They exchange a worried glance.

RAY RAY

Hey, what’s with the noise? Silent running, righ–

He clicks on the light, revealing a grisly tableau.

INT. MESS HALL – SAME

Every sailor is missing an eye and has been ripped open by the worm. Bloody corpses are strewn everywhere, like an explosion at a meat packers.

ANGEL

Fuck! Shut the portal, quick!

Ray Ray quickly slams the portal and turns the wheel.

ANGEL

Let’s go see the Goddam Captain..

Ray Ray nods, then vomits.

Angel comments that its camouflage will make it hard to keep track of.

Ray Ray wonders if it is warm-blooded. Maybe it has a heat signature?

It hits Angel to try Infrared Goggles. Angel locates a worm-like shape slightly squirming amonst some pipes in the reactor room.

INT. NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – DAY

The terrified crew gathers in the assembly area. The Captain, also shaken, whispers to them.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Calm down, Calm down… Quiet!

We now know the creature is in the reactor room– and have sealed it off.

We’re looking for two brave volunteers. One to unseal the portal,

and release this tank of liquid oxygen on it. Another to dispose of the frozen caracass.

XO HARTNETT

Any volunteers?

A few, including Angel, tentatively raise their hands.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Okay Angel, you’ll freeze it.

First Mate Quantrell Jefferson’s hand remains raised. CU, we can see it shaking.

JEFFERSON

…And I’ll blast the motherfucker outta here.

Applause and nervous laughter from many of the crew.

CAPTAIN VANDERPOOL

Quiet!

Okay, good. Please prepare yourselves. We will keep all comms open.

You are both ordered to report any issues ion the double,

so we can protect the reminder of the crew.

Understood?

ANGEL & JEFFERSON

Aye aye, Skipper.

INT. PORTAL ENTRANCE – REACTOR ROOM – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – LATER

Angel, armed with the LOX cannister and wearing the IR goggles, approaches the entrance. Behind her a several paces lurks a terrified Jefferson dragging a utility wagon behind him.

Angel turns a stainless steel wheel, unsealing the portal.

INT./ EXT. PORTAL – REACTOR ROOM- NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – SAME

ANGEL

I’m inside. Seal it.

Jefferson turns the wheel the other way. Angel is sealed in. She slinks along a wall of hydraulic pipes.

ANGEL’S POV: through the infrared goggles, we see the creature’s profile nestled among them. It doesn’t seem to see her.

She lunges forward, firing the trigger of the LOX cannister. The creature writhes, opens its hideous mouth full of circular buzzsaw teeth, and utters a high-pitched scream. THUD. The frozen thing falls to the deck.

ANGEL

Unlock the portal.

Jefferson turns the wheel. Angel hurries out of the portal and tosses the empty cannister on the deck. Jefferson stands before the portal, his hand shaking the handle on the utility wagon.

JEFFERSON

Why didn’t it attack you?

ANGEL

I have no idea.

JEFFERSON

What if it thaws?

ANGEL

Better dump it quick in case it does.

Jefferson slowly pushes the hand truck toward the portal.

JEFFERSON

Y-Y-Yeah.

INT REACTOR ROOM- NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – LATER

JEFFERSON

Gotta tell you this thing scare the shit outta me.

ANGEL

It’s natural. The key is to not to let it consume you.

JEFFERSON

Oh no, you didn’t just say “consume.’

ANGEL

Ha ha. Here, put it in this. Borrowed it from medical.

She hands Jefferson a transplant box from surgery with a thermometer on the lid.

ANGEL

This should keep it chill till you get to the waste shoot.

JEFFERSON

How long do it last?

ANGEL

Long enough. They use these for organ transplants.

You good?

JEFFERSON

Y-yeah. I’m good.

He puts the box in the wagon and pulls it through the portal. Angel seals the portal behind him.

INT. PASSAGEWAY – NUCLEAR SUB – LATER

Jefferson puts the frozen worm in the box and hurries down the passageway towards the trash chute. He hears a THUMP! He whips around to look at the box. That’s a WHIR and another THUMPS as the AC kicks in. He breathes a sigh of relief, He shakes his head, continues down the passageway. Temperature needle creeps upward. CHUCK-A CHUCK-A! Jefferson turns his head around. The Worm must be trying to escape! Jefferson unholsters his sidearm, a 1914 Colt 45.

BAM! BAM! Jefferson fires twice into the box. The lid stops moving. Thermometer slowly rises. He hurries along until he reaches a sign, which reads: WASTE CHUTE. He picks up the box. Temperature reaches red zone. He places it on a stainless tray.

EXT. SUB – SAME

With a dull THOOM and a cloud of bubbles, the box is jettisoned out and away from the hull.

INT. PORTAL — PASSAGEWAY – NUCLEAR SUB – SAME

An anxious crowd has formed beyond the portal glass, awaiting some sign of an outcome.

INT. PASSAGEWAY – NUCLEAR SUB – SAME

Jefferson spots Mallory descending the stars, carrying a well-worn bible.. He knocks on the glass, gives a ‘thumbs up’ sign. The crowd heaves a collective sigh of relief and applauds. Mallory sighs with relief and turns the wheel to open the portal.

MALLORY

Oh my gosh! Did you just—

Jefferson nods, smiles.

MALLORY

You are so brave! We are so blessed!

She hugs him. The crowd slaps him on the back fist bumps, etc.

JEFFERSON

Nobody gotta be afraid no more.

MALLORY

Where do you get your strength?

JEFFERSON

I dunno. I just —

Mallory looks down, starts flipping the pages of her bible.

MALLORY

I get mine from my faith. As Jesus tells us—

She looks up and lets out a blood-curdling

SCREAM!

Jefferson has turned into a much larger form of the Worm, its buzz-saw teeth spinning in its salivating mouth. As it lunges toward Mallory, the crowd panics and scatters, screaming hysterically.

The crowd scatters, revealing Angel, a fireaxe in her hand. She gives the axe a mighty swing and chops the worm’s head off! To her horror, the severed body part forms a new head and the two “halves” slither away in opposite directions!

ANGEL

Note to self. No cutting the worm.

ACT III

A series of worm attacks leave only a skeletal crew still alive to man the ship.

Because of the screams caused by the worm’s attacks, the North Korean sub hunter has located the Obama’s position. The pings from the enemy ship’s sonar signature reveals its fast approach.)

INT. BRIDGE – SUB – DAY

Captain Vanderpool, Angel, and Ray Ray stare at a sonar monitor, which emits urgent PINGs. The skipper speaks over secure comms channel.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Confirm Yan Joon audio signature. Over.

SONAR (O.C.)

Confirmed. Confirm visual I.D.? Over.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Pending. Over. (to Ray Ray) Down periscope.

RAY RAY

Aye aye, sir

ANGEL

Wait!

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

There a problem, Chief Warrant Officer Hidalgo?

ANGEL

Sir, not sure it’s safe, sir.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Nonsense. Down periscope.

Angel and Ray exchange a worried glance.

RAY RAY

Aye aye, sir.

Ray presses the hydraulic button. The periscope descends and stops directly in front of the Captain’s face. He rotates the scope, adjust the aperture, and places his chin on the chinrest. CHUNK! The Captain SCREAMS as the right eyepiece shatters and the worm drives itself into his eye!

Instantly Angel leaps at it, grasps the worm as it attempts to burrow into his body! Instantly, Depth charges begin dropping. BOOM!

The sub shudders from the explosion.

BA-BOOM!

Another depth charge.

ANGEL

The fuck? Oh no! It’s got him! Help me!

BOOM! BOOM!

Ray Ray grabs the worm’s slick body also. The captain writhes in pain and shock.

The two pull with everything they’ve got.

RAY RAY

No! Oh Jesus!

Now that it’s bloody, Angel and Ray Ray are losing their battle with the worm. Its slippery body undulates and oozes through their hands.

BA-BOOM! BOOM! BA-BOOM!

As Captain Vanderpool twists and screams, his lower back begins to vibrate and throb.

CAPTAIN VANDERPOOL

AAUUUGHHH!

Ray Ray’s hands slip off the worm. Another close explosion!

BA-BOOM!

RAY RAY

C’mere, mother fu– unh!

His head smashes into the wall of hydraulics. He’s out cold! Angel sobs and growls at the same time.

ANGEL

Ray! Oh fuck! Oh God!

BOOM! BOOM!

A lump forms at Captain Vanderpool’s abdomen and blood spreads over his crisp white shirt. The shirt bursts open and his entrails fly out, followed by the worm’s buzzsaw mouth on its bloody head! The worm screams!

Angel sobs uncontrollably. She pulls at Ray Ray ,shakes him, all the while keeping an eye on the worm, which seems to regard her for the first time. It slowly begins to slither out of the Captain’s abdomen and towards Angel and Ray Ray. The other one, quite a bit smaller, drops from the ceiling and slinks toward them.

ANGEL

Ray Ray! Ray Ray! Wake the fuck up, goddamit!

Oh Jesus. C’mon! Ray Ray!

She reaches a valve and turns it until it reaches “OFF.” The worms seem to undulate, and then drop to the deck, motionless!

Ray Ray wakes up and gasps. Angel has donned an oxygen mask as well as aIR goggles. She places both on him.

ANGEL

We got one last chance— smother these fuckers!

BA-BOOM!

Ray Ray points to a sonar signature of the ship nearly directly overhead.

RAY RAY

First we gotta get these Pyongyang Poontangs off our backs.

Angel peers into the rangefinder.

ANGEL

Ready the torpedoes.

RAY RAY

Aye Aye. Ready.

ANGEL

Three, two, one…

Fire one!

EXT. SUB – DAY

WHOOSH! A torpedo launches upwards from the hull.

Silence.

ANGEL

Fire two!

WHOOSH!

KA-BOOM!

ANGEL

Direct hit!

RAY RAY

Gotcha, ya sonsabitches!

ANGEL

Now we just set the sub to autopilot for the hanger in Annapolis, and hope our oxygen holds out longer than these goddam worms can hold their breath.

22 Hours later, a groggy Ray Ray wakes up, looks at his tank dial.

DIAL: 2.7 hours remaining. He crawls over to Angel, who lies motionless. She’s out cold. Her Dial reads: 13 Minutes remaining

A digital readout reads: Destination 30 minutes away.

He switches masks and tanks with her.

The bigger worm twitches.

Ray Ray closes his fingers around it where he hopes its windpipe is,and settles back.

EXT. ANNAPOLIS – DAY

Naval crew teams race to the USS Barrack Obama as it glides safely into the hanger.

EMTs search the sub for survivors They find Angel , and carry her to safety. Then they begin bringing up those that didn’t make it. Among them is Ray Ray. As his body is carried by her, she removes her SEAL trident, punches it to his chest, and salutes him.

Below decks, along a row of hydraulic tubes, something squirms.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Horror Outline (Sort of) Version 1

I didn’t keep a very detailed outline going– would have been nice to be clear on that– and already removed the horror prompts– must have misread the instructions.I also broke the rules (horrors!) and wrote out some of the horror scenes vs. keep them in outline form. I am happy with many of the horror choices I made stimulated by Hal’s prompts, but am open to anything scary, as well as changing story structure, and character arcs which are pretty weak right now.

Tom’s Horror Outline 1

ACT 1

<ul type=”disc”>

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Scary-As-Hell Scene

What I learned: Rather than adding scenes and then trying to dial up the emotion, starting with the emotional map ensures the action will have the requisite scariness.

ANXIETY –> FEAR –> SHOCK

Extrapolating: Dread, Anxiety, Scare, Release, Fear, Panic, Shock, Release, Surprise, Release, Shock, Panic/Hysteria

Dread: Jefferson admits his fear.

Anxiety: Jefferson worries how long box lasts.

Scare: Inside passageway, he thinks he hears it move.

Release: Just the AC kicking on.

Fear: The lid on the box moves!

Panic: The Worm is trying to escape!

Release: Jefferson fires his service revolver into the box.

Release/Surprise: The box stops moving.

Release. They arrive at the waste chute. The box is jettisoned out of the sub.

Jefferson opens the passageway portal. Mallory stands nearby, full of praise .She confides she gets her strength from the Lord, looks to find a verse..

Shock: POV Mallory horrified. Jefferson has turned into the Worm and kills her.

Panic, Hysteria: Crowd reaction

(Background: Angel has just risked her life to freeze the Worm using Liquid Oxygen. Now Jefferson must take it to the waste chute and jettison the frozen creature out of the sub.)

INT. NUCLEAR SUB – DAY

JEFFERSON

Gotta tell you this thing scare the shit outta me.

ANGEL

It’s natural. The key is to not to let it consume you.

JEFFERSON

Oh no, you didn’t just say that.

ANGEL

Har de har. Here. Borrowed it from medical.

She hands Jefferson a thermal transplant box from surgery with dry ice in it and a thermometer on the lid.

ANGEL

This should keep it chill till you get to the waste chute.

JEFFERSON

How long do it last?

ANGEL

Long enough. They use ’em for heart transplants. You good?

JEFFERSON

Y-yeah. I’m good.

He puts the box in the wagon and pulls it through the portal. Angel seals the portal behind him.

INT. PASAGEWAY – NUCLEAR SUB – LATER

Jefferson hurries down the passageway towards the trash chute. He hears a THUMP! He whips around to look at the box. That’s a WHIR and another THUMPS as the AC kicks in. He breathes a sigh of relief, He shakes his head, continues down the passageway. Thermometer needle creeps upward. CHUCK-A CHUCK-A! Jefferson turns his head around. Thermometer up a few degrees. CHUCK-A CHUCK! The box lid shakes violently! The Worm must be trying to escape! Jefferson unholsters his sidearm, a 1914 Colt 45. CHUCK-A-CHUCK-A CHUCK!

BAM! BAM! Jefferson fires twice into the box. The lid stops moving. Thermometer still rising. Jefferson races with the wagon until he reaches a sign, which reads: WASTE CHUTE. He picks up the box. Temperature reaches red zone. He places it on a stainless tray.

EXT. SUB – DAY

With a dull THOOM and a cloud of bubbles, the box is jettisoned out and away from the hull.

INT. PORTAL — PASSAGEWAY – NUCLEAR SUB – LATER

An anxious crowd has formed beyond the portal glass, awaiting some sign of an outcome.

INT. PASSAGEWAY – NUCLEAR SUB – SAME

Jefferson spots Mallory descending the stairs, carrying a well-worn bible.. He knocks on the glass, gives a ‘thumbs up’ sign. The crowd heaves a collective sigh of relief and applauds. Mallory sighs with relief and turns the wheel to open the portal.

MALLORY

Oh my gosh! Did you just—

Jefferson nods, smiles.

MALLORY

You are so brave! We are so blessed!

She hugs him. The crowd slaps him on the back fist bumps, etc.

JEFFERSON

Nobody gotta be afraid no more.

MALLORY

Where do you get your strength?

JEFFERSON

I dunno. I just —

Mallory looks down, starts flipping the pages of her bible.

MALLORY

I get mine from my faith. As Jesus tells us—

She looks up and lets out a blood-curdling

SCREAM!

Jefferson is now a much larger form of the Worm, its buzz-saw teeth spinning in its salivating mouth. As it lunges toward Mallory’s face, the crowd panics, scatters, screaming hysterically.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Scares, Releases, and Scary Moments

What I learned: These prompts give me other simple horror techniques I can use.

(BACKGROUND: In Act I, Angel argues with the Captain, who says he wants to prevent panic—orders them to keep the cause of Dr. Patel’s and Dave Osmond’s deaths– the worm– secret from the crew until he/they can figure out a way to kill it.)

INT. MESS HALL – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – LATER

First Mate and constant cut-up CONNOR MCCAFFERY, 32, stands next to Seaman ANDY CHAVEZ, 23 at a table with four CREWMATES, also from the missile section known as the Bomb Squad. Connor produces a small, badly wrapped package.

CONNOR

Andy Chavez, as your First Mate,

It is my honor to present you with this pin,

signifying your promotion to Seaman First Class.

Connor sits down to film the moment with his cellphone. The Crewmates smile and applaud. Chavez examines the present and gently tears off the wrapping.

CHAVEZ

Wow! Thanks guys. I don’t know what to say.

He opens it. C.U. on the box as a cloth “snake” springs out.

Chavez emits a high-pitched scream.

When he recovers, he holds up the “snake”, shakes his head, and retrieves the actual pin. Connor and the Bomb Squad laugh, congratulate him, etc. They huddle together watching the video replay. POV: Something approaches the men’s feet along the floorboards. The mess hall lights go out. Darkness.

CONNOR (O.C.)

Hey, wha—AAUAACK!

Loud screams, bellows, and other tortured noises erupt in the darkness.

INT. PASSAGEWAY – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – SAME

Angel and Ray Ray, still furious from their meeting with Captain Vanderpool, pass by the noisy, darkened mess hall. They exchange a worried glance.

RAY RAY

Hey, what’s with the noise? Silent running, righ–

He clicks on the light, revealing a grisly tableau.

INT. MESS HALL – SAME

Every sailor is missing an eye and has been ripped open by the worm. Bloody corpses are strewn everywhere, like an explosion at a meat packers.

ANGEL

Fuck! Shut the portal, quick!

Ray Ray quickly slams the portal and turns the wheel.

ANGEL

Now what.

Ray Ray vomits.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned: The continuous escalation of emotions make for a very riveting horror scene.

(Background: Because of the screams caused by the worm’s attacks, the North Korean sub hunter must have located the position of the sub. The pings from the enemy ship’s sonar signature reveals its fast approach.)

Anguish

INT. BRIDGE – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – DAY

Captain Vanderpool, Angel, and Ray Ray stare at a sonar monitor, which emits urgent PINGs. The skipper speaks over secure comms channel.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Confirm Yan Joon audio signature. Over.

SONAR (O.C.)

Confirmed. Confirm visual I.D.? Over.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Pending. Over. (to Ray Ray) Down periscope.

RAY RAY

Aye aye, sir

ANGEL

Wait!

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

There a problem, Chief Warrant Officer Hidalgo?

ANGEL

Sir, not sure it’s safe, sir.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Nonsense. Down periscope.

Angel and Ray exchange a worried glance.

RAY RAY

Aye aye, sir.

Ray presses the button. The periscope descends and stops directly in front of the Captain’s face. He rotates the scope, adjust the aperture, and places his chin on the chinrest.

CHOONK! The Captain SCREAMS as the right eyepiece shatters and the worm drives itself into his eye!

Instantly Angel leaps at it, grasps the worm as it attempts to burrow into his body! Instantly, Depth charges begin dropping. BOOM!

Panic

The sub shudders from the explosion.

BA-BOOM!

ANGEL

The fuck? Oh no! It’s got him! Help me!

BOOM! BOOM!

Ray Ray grabs the worm’s slick body also. The captain writhes in pain and shock.

The two pull with everything they’ve got.

RAY RAY

No! Oh Jesus!

Now that it’s bloody, Angel and Ray Ray are losing their battle with the worm. Its slippery body undulates and oozes through their hands.

BA-BOOM! BOOM! BA-BOOM!

As Captain Vanderpool twists and screams, his lower back begins to vibrate and throb.

CAPTAIN VANDERPOOL

AAUUUGHHH!

Ray Ray’s hands slip off the worm. Another close explosion!

BA-BOOM!

RAY RAY

C’mere, mother fu– unh!

His head smashes into the wall of hydraulics. He’s out cold! Angel sobs and growls at the same time.

ANGEL

Ray! Oh fuck! Oh God!

BOOM! BOOM!

Horror

A lump forms at Captain Vanderpool’s abdomen and blood spreads over his crisp white shirt. The shirt bursts open and his entrails fly out, followed by the worm’s buzzsaw mouth on its bloody head! The worm screams: SCREEEEEEEEEEEE!

Hysteria

Angel sobs uncontrollably. She pulls at Ray Ray ,shakes him, all the while keeping an eye on the worm, which seems to regard her for the first time. It slowly begins to slither out of the Captain’s abdomen and towards Angel and Ray Ray.

ANGEL

Ray Ray! Ray Ray! Wake the fuck up, goddamit!

Oh Jesus. C’mon! Ray Ray!

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s) Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned: Dialing up the emotions, including not only action, but a suggestion of impending danger, is key to increasing the Act 2 horror.

FEAR:

INT. NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – DAY

The terrified crew remaining are gathered in the assembly area. The Captain, also shaken, whispers to them.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Calm down, Calm down… Quiet!

Thanks to Angel’s quick thinking, in spite of its ability to camouflage itself,

we know where the creature is– the reactor room– and have sealed it off.

ANGEL

(whispering)

Actually, using its heat signature was all Ray Ray.

Ray Ray looks at the floor. The Captain ignores her comment.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

…So I’m looking for one or two brave volunteers to open the portal and release this tank of liquid oxygen on it.

RAY RAY

Once its frozen, we figure we can fire it out of a torpedo tube.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Any volunteers?

A few, including Angel, tentatively raise their hands.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Okay Angel will unseal the portal and freeze it.

First Mate Quantrell Jefferson’s hand remains raised. CU, we can see it shaking.

JEFFERSON

…And I’ll blast the motherfucker out da ship.

Applause and nervous laughter from many of the crew.

CAPTAIN VANDERPOOL

Quiet!

Okay, good. Please prepare yourselves. We will keep all comms open.

You two are ordered to report any issues on the double,

to secure the crew and the ship. Understood?

ANGEL & JEFFERSON

Aye aye, Skipper.

SUSPENSE:

INT. PORTAL ENTRANCE – REACTOR ROOM – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – LATER

Angel, armed with the Liquid Oxygen cannister and wearing IR goggles, approaches the entrance. Behind her a several paces lurks a terrified Jefferson pulling a utility wagon.

ANGEL’S POV: Seen through the infrared goggles, Angel’s green hands turns a green stainless steel wheel, unsealing the portal.

INT. REACTOR ROOM- NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – SAME

ANGEL

I’m inside. Seal it.

EXT.PORTAL – REACTOR ROOM – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – SAME

Jefferson turns the wheel the other way. Angel is sealed in.

INT. REACTOR ROOM- NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – SAME

She slinks along a wall of hydraulic pipes.

ANGEL’S POV: In infrared green, we see the creature’s profile nestled among them. It doesn’t seem to see her.

She lunges forward, firing the trigger of the LOX cannister. The creature writhes, opens its hideous mouth full of circular buzzsaw teeth, and utters a high-pitched scream. THUD. The frozen thing falls to the deck.

ANGEL

Unlock the portal.

EXT.PORTAL – REACTOR ROOM – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – SAME

Jefferson turns the wheel. Angel hurries out of the portal and tosses the empty cannister on the deck. Jefferson stands before the portal, his hands visibly shaking the handle of the wagon.

DREAD:

JEFFERSON

W-Why didn’t it attack you?

ANGEL

I have no idea.

JEFFERSON

W-What if it thaws?

ANGEL

Better dump it quick, in case it does.

Jefferson slowly pulls the wagon toward the portal.

JEFFERSON

Y-Y-Yeah.

INT. REACTOR ROOM – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – LATER

Jefferson, his eyes wide with fear, drags wagon containing the frozen creature behind him, headed for the torpedo bays. The creature twitches slightly.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Freyer.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Freyer.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned: Writing to these prompts produced, IMHO, a pretty scary scene!

EXT./INT. NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – DAY

Somewhere deep in the Sea of Japan.

The crew assembles in the briefing area facing CAPTAIN TAYLOR VANDERPOOL, 60, Executive Officer (XO) JOSH HARTNETT, 42, Chief Warrant Officer CWO ANGEL HIDALGO, 30, AND Chief Petty Officer (CPO) RAY RAY DELACORT, 33.

Angel, the first female to pass BUDS and become a Navy Seal, approaches Captain Vanderpool and salutes, as he unlocks a vault and reaches for its contents.

ANGEL

Sir, we were all so sorry to hear about the unexpected loss of your son. If there’s anything–

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Thank you, Angel, and everyone, for your condolences. I… I’ll be okay.

XO JOSH HARTNETT whispers to RAY RAY.

HARTNETT

OD’d… fentanyl.

RAY RAY

I heard. Jesus.

The Captain unseals an envelope marked “TOP SECRET” and reads their orders.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

We’re to observe Silent Running protocols. Pyongyang has sub hunters looking for us. It could get real hairy real fast. So don’t even sneeze, ya feel me? Questions?

He look around at worried faces of the crew.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL

Remember, we’re already violating a treaty with China… Okay, back to your stations.

INT. MEDICAL LAB – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – LATER

Chief Medical Officer DR. RAJIT PATEL, 45, stares at an exterior monitor. ON MONITOR: A crashed UAP lies embedded in the sea floor. Something swirls close in. Dr. Patel stands.

Suddenly, an alien face, one of the “greys” –minus an eye — fills the screen!

DR. PATEL

Aaughh!

Dr. Patel stares at the crash scene, with more alien cadavers floating around it. He punches some numbers on the intercom, preses a button marked SHARE MONITOR. XO Hartnett watches the alien tableau, fascinated.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL, O.S.

Bridge.

DR. PATEL

Sir, as you can see, some sort of UAP crash site.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL, O.S.

Jesus. Must be my lucky day.

DR. PATEL

Sir, requesting permission to use the mini to collect a specimen.

CAPT. VANDERPOOL, O.S.

Request denied. Adhere to mission.

DR. PATEL

But sir–

CAPT. VANDERPOOL, O.S.

Denied. That is all.

DR. PATEL

Well, I guess–

Hartnett flashes CIA credentials.

HARTNETT

The agency approves recovering a specimen. As long as you can avoid contaminating the ship–

DR. PATEL

— It will never enter the ship. I’ll inspect it on the dry dock.

HARTNETT

Then you have our blessing. Keep me in the loop.

He exits Dr. Patel’s lab.

EXT. NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – LATER

Dr. Patel operates the mini-sub over the crash site. He collects one of the alien cadavers in a forklift-like tool.

EXT. NUCLEAR SUBMARINE DRY DOCK – LATER

Dr. Patel drains the dry-dock and places the alien cadaver on a stainless steel examination table. He speaks into a handheld recorder.

DR. PATEL

Subject appears deceased. Missing right eye. Wound resembles bovine mutilations in Montana. Those were missing adrenal glands as well.

INT. PASSAGEWAY- NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – SAME

Hartnell walks toward Chief Osmond’s cube.

INT. SUBMARINE – LATER

Dr. Patel returns. Through the glass to dry dock, he can see the Alien cadaver is gone! He panics, calls XO Hartnett, who visits with Chief Engineer DAVE OSMOND. Dr. Patel enters dry dock. Something locks the door from inside.

ON MONITOR SCREEN:

Hartnett and Osmond can see an object, somewhat camoflaged like hydraulic pipes, slithering toward Dr. Patel. Patel can’t hear them screaming his name into the intercom.

CHIEF OSMOND’S CUBE – NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – SAME

Hartnett tells Osmond to call the Captain, and then runs for the Dry-Dock.

INT. DRY DOCK- NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – SAME

DR. PATEL

AAAAUUUGHHHHH!

A worm-like creature attacks him, its spinning saw-blade teeth cutting a hole in his right eye. The worm dives into Dr. Patel’s writhing body just as Hartnett arrives. It eats its way through to his adrenal glands, and out…

Into a drainpipe and down a series of long plumbing pipes

INT. CAPTAIN’S OFFICE, SUBMARINE – SAME

Osmond explains what he saw on the monitor. Captain, shocked, demands proof. Osmond runs toward his cube, holding his gut.

INT. PASSAGEWAY HEAD (RESTROOM), SUBMARINE – SAME

Osmond hurries, pulls down his pants and sits on the toilet.

INT. PLUMBING PIPE – SAME

The worm swims toward a bright opening ahead.

INT. PASSAGEWAY HEAD – SAME

On Dave’s face as the worm enters his anus. Blood erupts from his mouth.

INT. NUCLEAR SUBMARINE – SAME

Hartnett, horrified, pulls an alarm. Mute red ceiling lights blink throughout the sub.

C/U on his face reveals his shock.

[Tom Freyer]

TOM’S CHARACTER JOURNEY TRACK

What I learned: It’s starting to come together. I’ll add to my outline tomorrow.

1. With each of your Survivors and Victims, answer the following questions:

A. What is their Character Profile?

Leader: Captain TAYLOR “TV” VANDERPOOL Captain Vanderpool is an overachiever. He suffers guilt over the death of his teenage son. His ex-wife blames his singular focus on career for the death of his son. In return, he pushes himself and the ship beyond the normal bounds, yet dreads casualties. VICTIM.Role: LeaderTraits: Overachiever, guilt-ridden grievingFears: Losing those he lovesWants/Needs : Wants: power, Needs: to retireLikability / Rooting factors: He has a huge resonsibilityHow they react under stress: gets angry. Relationship with other characters: The Boss

B. What is their Character Journey for this story?

Character Intro: In denialDenial: Doesn’t believe there’s a monster aboardTheir reaction at first horror: DenialRelation to group after first horror: Tells everyone to keep calm and carry onHow they fight back: Organizes a searchEnd Point: Killed via the periscopeWhat insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Death reveals the power of creature<div>

Rescuer: Chief Warrant Officer and Navy Seal ANGEL HILDAGO Only sister with five brothers. The only female to graduate Basic Underwater Buds and become a Navy Seal, she is strong and brave, and unusually resourceful. She and Ray Ray have a secret on again off again fling. SURVIVORRole: Highest ranked enlistee on shipTraits: Strong, brave, resourcefulFears: nothing . Abhors failureWants/Needs : Wants: to win. Needs to relax.Likability / Rooting factors: She is the only female Navy sealRelationship with other characters: Likeable. Authority figure.

B. What is their Character Journey for this story?

Character Intro: Tries to understand and master challenge from the startDenial: Nothing she can’t doTheir reaction at first horror: Fascination, healthy respectRelation to group after first horror: Problem solver, calmerHow they fight back: find it, learn all about it, kill itEnd Point Survives and escapesWhat insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Fear will kill you. It is possible to win, but you need help. </div><div>

Chief Petty Officer RAYMOND “RAY RAY” DELACOURT. Fellow Navy Seal. Strong and manly, Taciturn but smart, he sacrifices his life for his secret love Angel. VICTIMRole: Male leadTraits: Strong, Fearless, ObservantFears: NothingWants/Needs : Wants to lead Angel, Needs to let her leadLikability / Rooting factors: Ironic sense of humor, resourceful, observantHow they react under stress: Like a SealRelationship with other characters: Everyone likes Ray Ray. Especially Angel

B. What is their Character Journey for this story?

Character Intro: Breaks up a fightDenial: Nothing he can’t doTheir reaction at first horror: AcceptanceRelation to group after first horror: They trust himHow they fight back: Creates weapons and toolsEnd Point: he sacrifices himself fto save his love AngelWhat insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? No weapon is stronger than love
</div>

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Monster Reveal Track

What I learned. Here’s where we make the monster a mystery our heroes (and the audience0 must solve. This is a good tool to escalate the drama, discover possible weaknesses and reveal clues, expose the monster’s purpose and the hero’s challenge and thus drive toward a possible ending.

A. Who is your monster and what is their terror? My monster is a large nematode, a flesh-eating parasitic worm that can camouflage itself.

What are its powers? It can shape-shift to blend in with its surroundings. It feeds off adrenal fluid which it senses from its victim’s fear. Adrenal fluid makes it grow. It has spinning teeth that cut through any tissue, esp. flesh and bone.

· What are its limitations? It is warm-blooded so there’s a heat signature using infrared. It requires oxygen to survive.

· What are its weaknesses? If you have no fear, it can’t sense you.

· What is its Plan/Purpose/Appetite? Its purpose is to feed its need: it’s an adrenaline junkie.

Sequence the Reveals.

Act 1

· Alien cadaver reveals only cattle mutilation cuts.

· Medical Officer frightened by something unseen, then attacked and killed

· Chief Engineer Dave Osmond tries to tell the captain, who’s in denial. The captain gets angry with Osmond.

· We see something traveling through the plumbing

Act 2

· A falling hose startles him as he closes head door and sits to take a dump

· CU Dave’s face as unseen worm enters his anus, His mouth gushes blood

· Angel becomes aware of creature. She walks right past it. It doesn’t attack her. Why?

· Angel calls a crew meeting to share info, try to trap it

· CPO Connor McCaffery scares baby-faced First Mate Toby Schein.

· Schein walks down same hallway. He screams! CPO finds him dead. His left eye is gone! Why did it attack him and not Angel?

· Angel discovers creature has a heat signature so they can spot it

· Another Seaman becomes hysterica and then dies Always jovial Connor McCaffery loses his shit.

· A character becomes a liability (physically): Captain tells Angel if Connor can’t be silenced, they’ll have to kill him

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Dillemma: Captain becomes concerned if screams give them away. He must decide between saving the mission or saving the crew. The crew begins to panic: Angel finds it with IR! They lock it in a room and freeze it with liquid oxygen . First Mate Quantrell ordered into the room to retrieve it, He fires the carcass out of a torpedo tube.FM Quantell Jefferson discusses creature with Seaman FC Mallory Ewing. She tells him she was never worried, she’s got Jesus on her side. “Jefferson” turns into creature and kills Mallory.Physically tortured: In the mess, a group of seamen are telling jokes We see the creature rip through the internal organs of all of them. Impending doom: Once the North Koreans and Chinese discover the sub has violated the treaty, it could spark WWIII Captain Vanderpool Looks through periscope. Creature is in it and kills him!

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Impending doom: Once the North Koreans and Chinese discover the sub has violated the treaty, it could spark WWIII ,Terror! Creature, even larger, attacks crew member, who screams and dies. Angel and Ray Ray try to maintain calm. But now there’s Panic everywhere! North Korean boat hears it. Order depth charges dripped on boat. Now there are depth charges and creature terrorizing the boat. Mentally Tortured: Angel begins thinking she sees the creature everywhere. She decides to see if it has a heat signal. Fight to the death. Angel discovers it hiding, via IR heat signal, cuts it in two with a fire axe. It’s dead. But no, a piece of it is still twitching. It continues killing Crewmembers. Hysteria as the entire crew panicsThe thrilling escape from death Angel locates it with IR and gets herself worked up. Lures it and Ray Ray in a room. They put on oxygen tanks and masks. Turns off the air in the room. One of creatures goes through gasping death throes. Angel ‘s oxygen tanks is low. Death returns to take one or more. Ray Ray reaches for the fire axe. It turns into the Creature! The creature launches out at him. He rips off his mask and puts it on Angel, open sa hatch and he and the Creature are sucked out of the sub into the deep blue sea. The sub floats into a harbor. It appears no one is alive, until they hear banging. They find Angel,

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s CHARACTER DEATH TRACK

What I leaned: I’m starting to create a beginning, middle and end with the characters and plot, but it’s far from an “outline’ at this point.

Character Death 1: Chief Medical Officer DR. RANJIT PATEL

Why: He is the carrier. His scientific curiousity and disprespect for Captain Vanderpool causes him to disobey a direct order.

How: The creature’s disguised as an alien cadaver. It bores into his eye and devour his adrenal gland. Shows why it kills.

Character Death 2: Seaman Second Class TOBY SCHEIN

Why: Sacrificial Lamb.

How: Shows how it kills. Through the eye

Character Death 3: Chief Engineer DAVE OSMOND

Why: Warns the Captain who demands evidence, on way back to video console, stops at head to “take a dump”

How: Through his rectum

Character Death 4: First Mate QUANTELL JEFFERSON

Why: Mistaken about what will kill Creature, thinks he froze it.

How: We don’t how he died but he’s been replaced by the creature. Shows it can chameleon itself into anything.

Character Death 5: Seaman First Class MALLORY EWING

Why: Her faith has clouded her eyes. The real Jefferson is dead.

How: Jefferson transforms into the creature and attacks Mallory through her eye.

Character Death 5: Captain TAYLOR VANDERPOOL

Why: Was in denial about creature. Shows no-one is safe.

How: Pulls down the periscope and peers into it. The creature attacks his eye.

Character Death 7-12: Group of unnamed Seaman

Why: Startled during Mess, then unvoluntary laughter

How: Creature dives into group and kills them all.

Character Death 13: Chief Petty Officer RAYMOND “RAY-RAY” DELACOURT.

Why: Sacrices himself to save Angel

How: Fights it with a fire extinguisher but loses

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Freyer.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Freyer.

[Tom Freyer]

TOM’S HORROR SITUATION TRACK

What I learned: Brainstorming these situations and reactions was productive. Dropping them into the plot requires time sequence, character development, as well as proper pacing, so Step 4 instructions will need a lot of work.

A. Isolated Situations

Lost: A crew member is blinded and stumbles into a hole which is actually the creature. Trapped: Doctor is locked in a room by the creature and can’t escape.Shackled An onboard prisoner is shackled to their cell when the creature is roaming. Being lured into danger: An injured crew member is smitten by a pretty nurse in sick bay (in reality the creature) Forces of nature: The submerged ship is suspended on a cliff which is collapsing. The only one who sees the monster: Chief Engineer Dave Osmond spots the creature on his video feed but can’t communicate with Dr. Patel , who’s in the dry-dock when the creature shows itself.

B. Pursued Situations

Forced into a dangerous environment: Angel is forced to isolate the creature in an oxygen-free environment to try to suffocate it. If she loses her mask with oxygen tank hose, tables will turnImpending doom: Once the North Koreans and Chinese discover the sub has violated the treaty, it could spark WWIII , No escape or their escape route has been cut off: The depth charges knock the sub into an underwater crevasseMonster approaching: Dave Osmond can see the creature heading for Dr. Patel. Monster trying to get to you: Someone is on the toilet. The creature is swimming through the toilet pipes!Out of the frying pan and into the fire. ?

C. Torture Situations

Injured, wounded, or debilitated : The creature invicerates the patients in sick bay.See another killed ?Something inside our body: When he tries to answer a direct order from the Captain,, he creature bursts out of the mouth of Dave Osmond.Transformed into something else (zombie, possessed, touched rotting monster) The creature disguises itself as Quantell Jefferson to holy-roller MalloryPhysically tortured: In the mess, a group of seamen are telling jokes We see the creature rip through the internal organs of all of them. Mentally tortured: Angel starts thinking she sees the shape shifter everywhere.

D. Tormented Situations

Possessed ?Tricked The creature tricks its hunters by becoming part of the sub and even the crew.Dilemma: Who to save: Them or me? Or Person A versus Person B? Captain considers silencing the crew (gassing them to death) in order to save the missionFriends in danger ?.Another character loses it (hysterical) Always jovial Connor McCaffery loses his shitA character becomes a liability (physically): If Connor can’t be silenced, they’ll have to kill him

E. Paranoia Situations

The group has been infiltrated: After the creature becomes Jefferson, everyone suspects everyone else Suspecting someone else is possessed-same thingNot knowing who is possessed – same thingUnknown motive?Internal conflict in the groupMenacing Stranger: Dead alienA character refuses to take action: Even though he won’t shut up, Captain refuses to kill Connor

F. Spooky Situations

Slimed ?Doing something forbidden Dr. Patel brings the alien cadaver aboard despite Captain’s odersFall through the floor: The “floor” is actually the creature when a crew member steps on itThreatened ?Face to face with the monster Angel finds herself face-to-face with the creature when both are running out of air. Who will succumb first?Can not see (fog, being underwater), speak or yell, hear (too loud or too quiet)Environment changing around you: Anything on the ship might actually be the Shape-shifting Creature

G. Deceptive Situations

Walking into a trap?Lured into the horror?Helping a good person and being attacked ?Working with someone, then they become the evil one: Jefferson is the creature in disguise

REACTIONS

Once you’ve done Step 2, go back to each Horror Situation and add a character reaction. This doesn’t have to be the perfect reaction, but instead one that seems to work for the moment.

BTW, the reaction could be the entire group running or hiding, or it could be two people hiding and three escaping.

A. Denial

When someone (who?) tells the Captain there’s a creature aboard, he doesn’t believe them.

B. Try to solve it

Angel leads the effort to try to figure out, first, how to spot it despite its camouflage, (eventually, she discovers it has a heat signature, so IR goggles). and second, how to kill it.

As they gain more experience, they will move closer and closer to understanding the real nature of the monster, and that will give them a real chance at killing it. Heat, cold, gas, stabbing, finally, oxygen.

C. Hide

A natural reaction to overwhelming violence is to hide. Characters can hide anywhere — under the bed, in the closet, in the basement or attic, in a dumpster, under a pile of leaves, in plain sight, or any of a hundred other places.

A Seaman hides in his locker, but we see it slowly coming for him.

The great thing about hiding is the apprehension and suspense it creates as the monster searches for their prey.

D. Escape

Some of the most thrilling moments of a horror movie are the escapes and botched escapes. Many of the attacks by the monster will conclude with an escape. Some will work for the moment. Some have the characters breaking free, only to run into a worse hiding place. And others have the characters run right into the monster.

There’s an emergency mini-sub, that the doctor used to capture the alien cadaver, that somebody tries to escape in, but the creature kills them before they can escape.

The act of escaping can be dangerous in itself. It is often a desperate move that is not well thought out, so people stumble, run into things, trip, fall, or injure themselves in the process.

E. Fight

And then, there is the ultimate choice: fighting the monster. Early in the movie, this almost always results in the character’s death. They don’t know enough to defeat their enemy. But by the 3rd Act, they have seen it in action and learned its weaknesses. With that information and a brilliant plan, they fight back.

A few characters may survive. Most won’t. But that is what makes it exciting.

Angel’s fight to the death with the creature goes here.

STEP 4: PUT HORROR SITUATIONS/REACTIONS INTO THE PLOT

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established: We meet Captain Taylor Vanderpool and CWO Angel onboard top-secret stealth submarine. Captain unlocks mission and shares it with crew, which is to spy on North Korea.Isolated / Trapped / Abducted North Korea has a spotter ship looking for them. Captain orders silent running: Absolutely no noise! Medical Officer summons Capt to the view port. Deep underwater, submarine passes by a crashed UFO. An Alien cadaver with a missing eye floats by the viewscreen.There are alien bodies floating outside the ship. Medical Officer wants to grab one. Captain warns against it. Medical Officer retrieves it secretly using the mini-sub. Alien body now aboard ship. Left eye missing. Med. Officer recites into microphone, compares the wounds to cattle mutilations in TX, Wyoming and Montana.Alien seemed to have disappeared. A pipe moves amongst the hallway hydraulics. A tentacle locks the door from the inside. Chief Engineer David Osmond sees the alien transform, into something worm-like moving on video, but there’s no sound connection. Medical Officer locked in the dry dock with the creature. The creature attacks Med.Officer . He screams, dies. There’s a hole where his right eye was.Osmond tries to warn captain there’s a creature loose on the ship. Captain sketical. Maybe it was just a bad dream?

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Creature gets into the plumbing pipes. It travels up toward a toilet just as a Osmond closes the head door and sits down. It attacks from within. It comes out of Osmond’smouth in a froth of blood. CPO Connor McCaffery cracks a joke to baby-faced First Mate Toby Schein.Schein walks down hallway. He screams! CPO finds him dead. His left eye is gone! WTF happened?Another character loses it (hysterical) Always jovial Connor McCaffery loses his shit. A character becomes a liability (physically): If Connor can’t be silenced, they’ll have to kill him

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Dillemma: Captain becomes concerned if screams give them away. He must decide between saving the mission or saving the crew. The crew begins to panic: They lock it in a room and freeze it with liquid oxygen . First Mate Quantrell goes into the room to retrieve it, fires the carcass out of a torpedo shoot..FM Quantell Jefferson discusses creature with Seaman FC Mallory Ewing. She tells him she was never worried, she’s got Jesus on her side. “Jefferson” turns into creature and kills Mallory.Physically tortured: In the mess, a group of seamen are telling jokes We see the creature rip through the internal organs of all of them. Impending doom: Once the North Koreans and Chinese discover the sub has violated the treaty, it could spark WWIII ,Terror! Electrical cord drops, startles crew member, who screams and then dies. North Korean boat hears it. Order depth charges dripped on boat. Now there are depth charges and creature terrorizing the boat.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Impending doom: Once the North Koreans and Chinese discover the sub has violated the treaty, it could spark WWIII ,Terror! Electrical cord drops, startles crew member, who screams and then dies. North Korean boat hears it. Order depth charges dripped on boat. Now there are depth charges and creature terrorizing the boat. Mentally Tortured: Angel begins thinking she sees he creature everywhere. She decides to see if it has a heat signal. Fight to the death. Angel discovers it hiding, via IR heat signal fights it with a fire axe. She cuts it in two with a fire axe. It’s dead. But no, a piece of it is still twitching. It attacks and kills another Crewmember. Hysteria as the entire crew panicsThe thrilling escape from death Angel finds it again and iocks herself in a room with it. Puts on oxygen tank and mask. Turns off the air in the room. One of creatures goes through gasping death throes. Death returns to take one or more. She reaches for the fire axe. It turns into the other creature.The creature launches out at her, knocking off her mask. Who will die first?The sub floats into a harbor. It appears no one is alive until they hear banging from a cabinet. Inside, they find Angel, barely alive.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Horror Plot

What I learned was: I have a lot to sort out plot-wise, but this structure helps a bit.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established: We meet Captain Taylor Vanderpool and CWO and first female NAVY SEAL Angel Hernandez onboard top-secret stealth nuclear submarine. Captain narrates about mission which is to spy on North Korea. Medical Officer summons Capt to the view port. Deep underwater, submarine passes by a crashed UFO.

Connect with the characters: There are alien bodies floating outside the ship. Medical Officer wants to grab a specimen.

The characters are warned not to do it. Captain warns against picking up alien anything– no idea about their biology, stealth mission, etc.

Denial of Horror: Medical Officer retrieves cadaver secrectly. The alien’s left eye is a gaping hole.

Safety taken away: Alien body now aboard ship.

Monster: Alien body seemed to have disappeared. A pipe moves amongst the hallway hydraulics Something attacks Med. Officer! He screams, dies. There’s a neat hole where his right eye was.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Whatever is inside the ship is a shape-shifter! North Korea has a spotter ship looking for sub. Captain orders silent running: Absolutely no noise! CPO Connor McCaffery cracks a whispered joke to baby-faced First Mate Toby Schein. Toby walks down hallway. He screams! Angel finds him dead. His left eye is gone! WTF?

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer: Angel discovers that even though it’s a shape-shifter, the creature gives off an infrared signal. They lock it in a room and freeze it. First Mate Quantrell goes into the room to retrieve it, fires the frozen cadaver out of a torpedo shoot. FM Quantell Jefferson discusses creature with Seaman FC Mallory Ewing. She tells him she was never worried, she’s got Jesus on her side.

Terror! Jefferson turns into the creature and kills Mallory. who screams before she dies. North Korean boat hears it. DPRK Captain Orders depth charges dropped on boat. Now not just the creature, but also depth charges are terrorizing the boat!

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death: Angel discovers it hiding, fights it with a fire axe. She cuts it in two with a fire axe. It’s dead. But no, a piece of it is still twitching. It attacks and kills another Crewmember.

Hysteria: The entire crew panics.

The thrilling escape from death: Angel finds the creature again and iocks herself in a room with it. Puts on oxygen tank and mask. Turns off the air in the room. The creature goes through gasping death throes. It’s dead!

Death returns to take one or more: She reaches for the fireaxe, but it turns into the other creature (created when she cut it in half)! The creature launches out at her face.

Cliffhanger: The sub floats into a harbor. Rescue Crew finds no one alive onboard except Angel.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Freyer.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Freyer.

[Tom Freyer]

TOM’S CHARACTERS FOR HORROR

What I learned doing this assignment is creating characters with conventions that suit the genre helps me build my story; and form and advance my plot.

1. TITLE/CONCEPT: SUBHUMAN

GROUP?

A. TEAM OF PROFESSIONALS: The captain of an advanced stealth nuclear submarine and a crew of specialists on a top secret mission in the Sea of Japan at the nexus of North Korea and Russia are attacked by a shape-shifting monster.

You can’t scream when you’re silent running.

2. DYING PATTERNS?

A. Put 6 to 8 characters together and kill them off one by one.

3. WHO IS GOING TO EXPERIENCE THIS HORROR?<div>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Leader<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>: Captain TAYLOR “TV” VANDERPOOL Captain Vanderpool is an overachiever. He suffers guilt over the death of his teenage son. His ex-wife blames his singular focus on career for the death of his son. In return, he pushes himself and the ship beyond the normal bounds, yet dreads casualties. He’s going to be among the first. VICTIM

<div>

Rescuer: Chief Warrant Officer and Navy Seal ANGEL HILDAGO The only female to graduate Basic Underwater Buds and become a Navy Seal, she is strong and brave. She has a chip on her shoulder for the mostly male Navy. She and Ray Ray have a secret on again off again fling. SURVIVOR

Chief Petty Officer RAYMOND “RAY RAY” DELACOURT. Strong and resourceful, taciturn, he has a soft spot for secret lover Angel . SURVIVOR

Innocent/Sacrificial Lamb: Seaman First Class TOBY SCHEIN. Sweet and naïve, Toby is everyone’s pet, but becomes the creature’s first VICTIM.

Out of control / Obnoxious: Assistant Chief Petty Officer CONNOR MCCAFFERY. Wise guy, practical joker.SURVIVOR

Complainer/ Rebel / Rule Breaker: First Mate QUANTELL JEFFERSON. Works for Ray Ray but often diregards orders at his own peril. VICTIM

Introvert / Loner: Chief Engineer DAVE OSMOND. Try and hide as he might, he can’t escape or outsmart the creature. VICTIM

Moral Chracter: Seaman First Class MALLORY EWING A born again Christian, she believes if everyone just has faith, goodness will triumph over evil. Not if the devil’s a shape-shifter. VICTIM

The Carrier: Science Officer RANJIT PATEL As they pass the underwater UAP crash site, he requests permission to dry-locker an alien body floating near the crash. The skipper turns him down. Patel secretly does it anyway, bringing the shape shifter (and many gruesome deaths) aboard the sub. VICTIM

</div></div>

• This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by  Tom Freyer.

[Tom Freyer]

What I learned: Following these guidelines can lead me to a unique and memorable monster and a fresh terrifying script.

TOM’S TERRIFYING MONSTER

How does the monster terrorize? By being able to appear out of nowhere and kill violently

How does the monster pursue? Shape-shifts into something (or someone) familiar to the crew

How does the monster isolate? It finds a victim and tracks it until its alone, then strikes

What is the terrible thing they do? It enters the human body through an orifice; an eye, an ear, a nostril, an anus, any opening. Then it eats its way through the organs to obtain the glands it craves

How does the monster cause death? Eating its way through the organs inevitably causes an agonizing death.

What makes this inescapable? It can disguise itself as anything: equipment, flooring, furniture, even a crew member.

MYSTERY

What is the secret, question, or puzzle that must be solved to survive this monster?

· How do we find it when it can change shapes to blend into the submarine, or even mimic crew members?

· Once we find it, how do we kill it before it reveals our location to the enemy?

FEAR PROVOKING APPEARANCE

What makes your monster look terrifying? Once we actually see it, it’s a sort of lamprey-like creature, with backward-facing barbs on its head to prevent removal, and round rows of teeth that spin like a hole saw drill bit. Even if you chop it in half with an axe, it can regenerate the missing piece, like a starfish.

MYTHOLOGY

This creature was a Gray’s “pet” from a crashed underwater UAP, the reason they always leave behind a series of cattle mutilations.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by  Tom Freyer.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by  Tom Freyer.

[Tom Freyer]

A QUIET PLACE Horror Conventions

What I learned doing this assignment is that using these horror conventions will help me develop a fresh and SMART script with high concept genre appeal.

Title / Concept: A QUIET PLACE

In a post-apocalyptic world, mankind’s survivors must not make a sound, lest they alert these blind but instantly deadly predators who have super sensitive hearing.

Terrorize The Characters: If you make the slightest noise, these creatures will attack and kill you.Isolation: The family we’re following appear to be amongst the last survivors of an apocalypseDeath: The family’s small boy finds a toy car in an abandoned store. It is harmless without batteries, but Dad prohibits him from taking it. Big sister finds batteries and gives them to the boy, who turns the toy on. He dies in first ten minutes of the story.<div>

Monster/Villain: We seldom get a good look at them, which makes them scarier. Clicking and wing flutter sounds. Look like enormous bat-like creatures with hideous faces redolent of inner ears. They find prey by by echolocation. And kill instantly.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>High Tension: Sister guilt-stricken over contributing to little brother’s death. Crazy farmer with dead wife. As Dad and son approach, Farmer screams bringing sudden death to himself. Mother in family is pregnant. Her water breaks as monster explore the house she’s in alone. When she gives birth, and baby is born, how will they keep it quiet? Dad returns. They use fireworks to distract monsters. House is flooding. Creature repelled by Dad’s hearing aid invention. Kids almost drown in corn silo. Dad sacrifices himself for family. Story ends on cliffhanger.

Departure from Reality: They’re always barefoot. No humans seem capable of helping them. They must find noiseless ways to communicate.

Moral Statement: Cherish your freedom!

—————————————–

Title / Concept: SUBHUMAN. A shape-shifting parasite invades the USS Barack Obama, a top-secret state-of-the-art stealth nuclear submarine patrolling North Korean waters and begins devouring the crew. The captain must capture and destroy the creature before the screams of the crew reveals the sub’s location to the enemy.

Terrorize The Characters: It can assume any shape, including humans. The DRPK are after them with a sub-hunting destroyer loaded with depth charges.</div>

Isolation: Deep in the sea near the North Pole, restricted by Naval Command to mandatory communication silence.

Death: The parasite’s insatiable appetite for adrenal fluids forces it to feed continuously. Monster/Villain: It feeds and thrives on consuming human adrenal glands which it acquires by sucking out its host’s eyes. It can assume any shape.

High Tension: The sub’s Commander is guilt-stricken over the overdose death of his only son, and is now powerless to stop this shape-shifting predator. To top it all, because of the crews’ screams, the sub is discovered, in direct violation of a treaty with DPRK and China, it is likely to trigger nuclear war. The captain tries to kill the creature by depriving it of oxegen until crew’s mask and tanks begin to fail. The subhunter locates the Obama, drops deadly depth charges.

Departure from Reality: This class of subs doesn’t exist yet. The creature doesn’t exist (I hope) The MD aboard traces the origin of the creature to a crashed UAP.

Moral Statement: Cherish your freedom!

[Tom Freyer]

1. Hi everyone. My name is Tom Freyer. I live in Palmdale, CA (Los Angeles County).

2. I have written 14 feature scripts, two of which were purchased and produced, and 6 TV pilots

3. I hope to write a commercially viable fairly contained horror script that will be snatched up by producers

4. I’m a retired Ad Agency Creative Director, kinda like Dan Draper on Madmen, except way better looking LOL. Four of the TV commercials I wrote, produced and /or directed appeared on various Superbowls.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom Freyer

I agree to the terms of this release form.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Action Structure

Opening: PTS (Propellant Transfer Systems) specialist Sergeant Jeff Kennedy leads his PTS crew into an Arkansas missile silo that’s on fire. When his partner Peter is overcome with fumes and passes out, Jeff tries to rescue him, but fails when his suit catches fire and he himself must be rescued. The PTS crew puts out the fire but several airmen, including Peter, die.This is Jeff’s wound.

Inciting Incident: At 497-7, PTS maintenance crewman Larry Powell, performing routine missile maintenance, drops a socket which bounces off the ground and punctures the skin of the missile, releasing propellant gases into the silo.

First Turning Point at end of Act: Colonel Moser, base commander, orders the base evacuated and the silo sealed. Jeff protests loudly.

Mid-Point: SAC commands Colonel Moser to reopen the silo and attempt to stop the leak. Now they must crack open the 700 ton solid stainless steel blast doors using hydraulic jacks. Kennedy is forbidden from entering. The team fails to stop the leak.

Second Turning Point at end of Act 2: Kennedy sneaks in and gets a vapor reading. Col. Moser sends MPs to arrest Kennedy, but he fights them all off and escapes.

Crisis: Livingston is ordered into the silo to turn on the air vent. Kennedy, risking court martial and perhaps even death, changes place with another airman, sneaks in with Livingston to try to de-activate the H bomb mechanism.

Climax: The missile explodes! Livingston is killed by the blast. Kennedy survives. The air force finds the warhead in a ditch. Kennedy’s solution worked!

Resolution: Livingson and Kennedy are awarded distinguished service crosses. Moser is promoted to Brigadier General.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Action Track!

What I learned: Sequencing the action functions as a rough outline.

1. Answer the Action Questions:

A. Considering the concept from Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie?

Types of Action: Chases, Break-ins, burning from suit contamination, Trying to plug/patch missile leak, Rescuing comrades, Running from danger, Trying to unscrew warhead, explosion

B. Considering the Mission and Villain Tracks, what action could work for this track? Dropping wrench, Fighting, Subterfuge, Sneaking around, Breaking in, Climbing missileC. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act?

2. Select the types of action you’ll use, and

3. Sequence the action scenes to deliver your story. Give us your list of action scenes and the purpose of each scene.

Accidental socket drop (inciting incident)

PTS team Races to silo (Show’s urgency, first thing they try)

Evacuation and sealing silo (reveals Antagonist’s ignorance, big mistake)

Kennedy Sneaks in to get a reading (show’s hero’s defiant nature, sets the ticking clock)

Fight (Antag sics military police on hero), reveals hero’s strength

Antag orders team to break into silo (shows his incompetence, puts PTS team in danger

Rescue (Kennedy has to rescue the team. One dies! (midpoint turning point)

Escape/Evade: Antagonist tries to jail Kennedy, but he escapes. Now Kennedy must sneak back into silo complex & disarm the warhead

Competition: MPs are after him but he and Livingston evade them and break in

Dangerous Situations: within 30 minutes the propellant will eat thru suits and kill. Plus the nuke will vaporize the population of entire southwest

Livingston’s suit tears. (third act turning point)

Kennedy shinnies up the missile to disarm the warhead

Against Kennedy’s fierce opposition, the Antag orders Livingston to turn on the exhaust fan

The missile explodes (climax)

(Wrap up) Kennedy and (posthumously) Livingston awarded the distinguished service cross.

Antagonist is promoted.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Villain Track

“What I learned doing this assignment is that i’m not sure my story fits Hal’s villain paradigm. The so-called villain in this story was just incompetent, not willfully nefarious.

A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero? The plan Is created on the spot.

LIES TO SENATOR ABOUT DANGER. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>KENNEDY WARNS SENATOR BUT COVERS IT UP

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>WHEN MISSILE IS PUNCTURED HE DELAYS ACTION DUE TO IGNORANCE

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>MISTAKE: He mistakenly evacuates the silo and seals it up.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>DILEMMA: He now must either let the missile blow up (possible nuclear disaster) or somehow break back in, risking airmen’s lives to contain the leak.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>DECISION: He bans Kennedy, sends another PTS team in.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>THREATENS COURTMARTIAL: He threatens Kennedy with courtmartial for insubordinaton

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ORDERS MILTARY POLICE TO CAPTURE KENNEDY BUT KENNEDY BEATS THEM UP

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>KENNEDY SNEAKS IN TO SILO, RESCUES <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>OTHER PTS TEAM.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>HE SENDS KENNEDY AND LIVINGSTON IN TO GET READING: <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>AGAINST KENNEDY’S ADVICE, HE ORDERS LIVINGSTON TO TURN ON EXHAUST WHICH BLOWS UP THE MISSILE

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>LIVINGSTON DIES ANND KENNEDY SURVIVES. MOSELY IS PROMOTED

B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the hero? AT LEAST TEN.

C. What advantage does the Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie? HE IS IN CONTROL OF THE ENTIRE BASE. PROMOTION IS IRONICALLY TYPICAL WITH MILITARY DISASTER

[Tom Freyer]

What I learned: Tracking the mission focuses the key ingredients of an action

TOM’S HERO’S MISSION TRACK

THE DAMASCUS INCIDENT (Based on a True Story)

1. Ask the Mission Track questions to discover your Hero’s mission.

A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds? He can’t stand the idea of faiure.<div>

B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal? Break into the silo and prevent the missile from exploding.

C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero? Internal motivation: Daredevil reputation. External motivation: Massive destruction if missile blows

D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain? He could be courtmartialed. He could get killed. He could protect the nation from a disaster. He could save thousands of lives.

2, Use the Mission steps to outline the mission

Clear Mission: Enter the Missile silo and patch the leak</div>

Motivation: Save lives

Inciting Incident: Technician drops a socket, puncturing the missile releasing propellant

First Action: Breaks in to put a vapor monitor in silo

Obstacle: General Morris of SAC forbids him entering silo. Kennedy works on a plan.

Escalation: Morris evacuates the complex, seals the silo

Overwhelming Odds: Kennedy and Livingston must break into the blast doors

New Plan: Kennedy rescues Livingston

Full out Attack: They break into the silo and Kennedy defuses the nuclear warhead

Success: The missile explodes, killing Livingston, but the warhead lands in a field unharmed

[Tom Freyer]

TOM’S HERO AND VILLAIN

What I learned: Building in opposing goals sets up a strong central conflict.

TITLE: THE DAMASCUS INCIDENT

Concept: (Based on a True Story). After an accident punctures a Titan II milssle, an Air Force specialist must enter the sealed TITAN II missile silo and attempt to patch the missle, or risk the launch of a 9 megaton warhead capable of wiping out the entire south-eastern United States.

Hero Morally Right: Try to save America from a nuclear disaster<div>

Villain Morally Wrong: SAC Commander incompetence and ego has caused the threat of a nuclear disaster to escalate

Hero

A. Unique Skill Set: Mechanical genius: Sgt. Kennedy can fix anything and he’s fearless: afraid of nothing. Also, he is a prize-winning Golden Gloves boxerB. Motivation: Must act fast to avoid nuclear disasterC. Secret or Wound: Lost his best friend to inhaled propellant in another accident

Villain

A. Unbeatable: The Colonel is the top Commander at Strategic Air CommandB. Plan/Goal: Orders evacuation, seal off of silo, guaranteeing an explosion, then orders airmen to break into the silo and go back inC. What they lose if Hero survives: The General will lose face and air force respect if he loses command and control of the situation

Impossible Mission

A. Puts Hero in Action: Seals off silo forcing </div><div>

B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: Kennedy must find a way to break in, risk dying of propellant inhalation, REFCO suit destruction by propellant acid, or explosion

C. Destroy the Villain: Must circumvent the General’s direct orders

Elevate: If the General sends troops to the base to fight Kennedy, how can Kennedy still prevail? Answer: By using his golden gloves training

3. Tell us your improved answers: Added Golden Gloves Boxing to hero’s skillset

</div>

[Tom Freyer]

TOM’S CONVENTIONS

What I learned doing this assignment is to be sure to include the critical components of a successful Action picture.

THE DAMASCUS INCIDENT

Concept: In 1980, a clumsy Air Force technician in a Titan II missile silo in Arkansas drops a socket which punctures the missile, leaking propellant. Another highly skilled tech must enter the silo, assess the damage, try to stop the leak and/or disarm the warhead before the missile, armed with a 9 megaton hydrogen warhead capable of destroying Southeastern America, explodes.

Conventions

– Hero: Fearless PTS Air Force Specialist Sgt. Jeff Kennedy

– Demand For Action: Somehow stop the leak before the missile explodes

– Mission: Risk his life to enter the silo, filled with toxic and caustic fuel, to patch the leak and diffuse the bomb

– Antagonist: SAC Commander Col. Charles Morris, proud WW2 pilot who knows nothing about Nukes

– Escalating Action: Jeff must use every trick in the book, such jumping aboard a moving truck, donning a REFCO suit (which melts when airborne propellant becomes dense enough), sneaking in and getting a vapor reading (it’s over the top) trying to patch the leak, rescuing an airman assistant, who passes out in the silo due to a leak in his suit, and even breaking into the silo after the Colonel orders it sealed off to try to disarm the warhead.

[Tom Freyer]

Hi everyone, I’m Tom Freyer. I specialize in true stories.

I’ve written about 14 scripts, two for hire and two produced

I’m seeking guidance for my latest feature project (also a true story), which I hope becomes a successful action .

When I was ad agency creative director (I’m retired now), four of my TV Commercials appeared on Super Bowls.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Freyer.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom Freyer

Pro series, MSC 4, and I’ve written 9 features, one of which was bought and produced, and was on the development team for the Bingeworthy classes. I’ve written nine features and three TV series.

I hope to get faster and better at rewrites.

I had a manager, but fired her.

[Tom Freyer]

TOM FREYER

2. I agree to the terms of this release form.

3.As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Tom Freyer]

Tom’s Basic Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is that I have a lot to improve in order to make this story A-List great.

TITLE: 89 DAYS

LOGLINE: When mercenary marshals seize, shackle and haul an angry alcoholic away in a prisoner van for a felony he doesn’t remember, he’s forced to spend almost three tortuous and life-altering months on the road before facing a judge. (Based on a true story)

MAIN CONFLICT: Is inside Terry, as he struggles with his anger at his father for abandoning the family when Terry was 12, his alcoholism, and prejudices.

1.Opening: Bouncer throws drunk Terry out of a New
Hampshire bar. His wife tries to clean him up. He’s angry, blames fight on
black homosexual. Stopped while taking a swing at his wife, fights with
undercover cop. Arrested, jailed. Wife tells judge Terry’s just angry over
father abandonment. Terry is released on OR. <div>

2.Inciting Incident: In a custody battle for his
kids in California, wife discovers there’s still a warrant for his arrest,
tells police. He’s busted, shackled, hauled off in a prisoner van by
mercenary marshals. His sister will try to raise his bail.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. Terry
suffers from severe alcohol withdrawal. We meet sadistic Marshals and prisoners.
Terry learns the harsh rules of this prison on wheels.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: When Terry
checks his bank account, a Marshal robs him of his money at gunpoint.
Marshals beat him badly for so-called attempted escape.

5. Mid-Point: Skinhead seizes a hostage, actually
attempts escape, is shot dead. Terry, wounded, accepts Angel as his AA
sponsor.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Sister’s
bail money ripped off. No getting off the van now. All is lost Angel is
let off at his prison. Terry has to fight one of the Marshals to keep the
money he found.

7. Crisis: Once the marshals have Terry to themselves,
the torture gets worse—they fracture Terry’s arm.

8. Climax: In NH, judge dismisses his case. He
must ask his estranged father for airfare back to Calif. He learns his dad
is dying of AIDS and forgives him. Sister arrives for funeral.

9. Resolution: On the trip home, his sister tells
the story why the Jews had to wander the desert. He calls his kids, eager
to be a good father to them.
Separating
that one (or more) item(s) out, list the main purpose of that item in the
story and brainstorm a list of other possible ways to deliver that
structural item.

CRISIS: The purpose of the scene is to finalize is conflict with the two Marshals.

Brainstorm:

– Angel kills the two marshals and drives Terry to his trial.

– Terry finally ties the marshals up and escapes the van

– The marshals hurt Terry so bad they have to leave him at a hospital.

– Real cops rescue Terry from the marshals in the nick of time.

– Terry pits one marshal against the other by telling each marshal the other plans to blame the attempted escape on the other one. They argue and then shoot each other.*

*I like this one for the extreme action and violence. They’ve been building towards a final conflict the whole movie.

Make
a second list of the Main Conflict and Structural items
with the improvements you’ve made. </div>

1.Opening: Bouncer throws drunk Terry out of a New Hampshire bar. His
wife tries to clean him up. He’s angry, blames fight on black homosexual. Stopped
while taking a swing at his wife, fights with undercover cop. Arrested, jailed.
Wife tells judge Terry’s just angry over father abandonment. Terry is
released on OR.

<div>

2. Inciting Incident: In a custody battle for his kids in California, wife discovers there’s still a warrant for his arrest, tells police. He’s busted, shackled, hauled off in a prisoner van by mercenary marshals. His sister will try to raise his bail.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. Terry suffers from severe alcohol withdrawal. We meet sadistic Marshals and prisoners. Terry learns the harsh rules of this prison on wheels.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: When Terry checks his bank account, a Marshal robs him of his money at gunpoint. Marshals beat him badly for so-called attempted escape.

5. Mid-Point: Skinhead seizes a hostage, actually attempts escape, is shot dead. Terry, wounded, accepts Angel as his AA sponsor.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Sister’s bail money ripped off. No getting off the van now. All is lost Angel is let off at his prison. Terry has to fight one of the Marshals to keep the money he found.

7. Crisis: Terry uses his wits to turn the marshals, who already fight constantly, against each other. They draw guns and shoot each other. Terry unshackles himself and walks to the courthouse.

8. Climax: In NH, judge dismisses his case. He must ask his estranged father for airfare back to Calif. He learns his dad is dying of AIDS and forgives him. Sister arrives for funeral.

9. Resolution: On the trip home, his sister tells the story why the Jews had to wander the desert. He calls his kids, eager to be a good father to them.

</div>

[Tom Freyer]

SUBJECT: Tom’s Logline and One Page!

TITLE: 89 DAYS

LOGLINE: When mercenary marshals seize, shackle and haul a big-hearted but angry alcoholic away in a prisoner van for a felony he doesn’t remember, he’s forced to spend almost three tortuous and life-altering months on the road before facing a judge. (Based on a true story)

SYNOPSIS: : Hard-drinking machinist TERRY O’FLAHERTY, 34, considers himself a happy drunk. But deep inside him rages an uncontrollable demon loosed when Terry drinks, which is all the time. Perhaps it has something to do with his FATHER, who’s gay, abandoned his mother, his little SISTER and him in Boston when he was 12 and never contacted him since. That rage still simmers strong in Terry.

We open on a flashback in front of a bar in Derry, New Hampshire, shit-faced to the point of blackout, Terry is about to punch his WIFE when a Good Samaritan steps in. Terry (a large guy to begin with) and the guy brawl, until the guy slaps handcuffs on Terry — he’s an off-duty cop. Next day, Terry is released on his own recognizance.

Now, six years later, he and his wife are in family court in Santa Barbara, arguing about custody of their two children. Terry has started his own machine shop with several employees, is making good money, just bought a new truck, and she’s unskilled and unemployed. Things are looking good for him to get full custody.

His wife plays her ace in the hole. She calls Santa Barbara police to ask if New Hampshire still wants Terry. His warrant has turned into a felony: they sure do!

Terry is arrested by police. Two weeks later, he’s released from jail into the custody of two sadistic PRIVATE MARSHALS, 30s, employees of Prison Transportation Services. Wearing badges and pistols, they shackle Terry (still in his Bermuda shorts and aloha shirt), put him in a long transport van with seven other PRISONERS. If he can raise $1600 bail, he can make his own way to NH. The Marshalls begin by beating the Prisoners with their nightsticks and cheating them out of their meal per diem. Terry suffers withdrawal symptoms from alcoholism including dry heaves and DTs. As the Marshalls slowly drag the prisoners across America, Terry and the other prisoners learn about each other. Terry learns about his disease from Angel, a tough as nails Mexican Mafia lifer and AA sponsor.

There’s a GAY PRISONER with AIDS. Terry makes rude gay and AIDS jokes at his expense. Terry befriends him when he learns they’re both fathers of young kids, but the guy eventually dies of AIDS. There’s a conspiracy nut who explains the truth about private transport companies. One of the Marshals robs Terry of his money at an ATM. There’s an angry Black guy with a chip on his shoulder who clashes with SKINHEAD, racist member of the Aryan Brotherhood. Skinhead tries to escape by taking a MENTALLY SLOW prisoner hostage, , but is shot to death by cops. Terry is injured but survives. Terry calls his sister about raising bail money. Later, she tells him her ex-husband broke in and stole the money. Terry finds a bankroll but must fight and beat one of the Marshals to keep it. Terry complains when they pass cars on the freeway onramp. They pull over and beat the shit out of him. In Pittsburg, the Marshals park in their friend’s driveway all night so they can watch the playoffs. The prisoners nearly freeze to death.

Finally, they have dropped off every prisoner but Terry. En route to New Hampshire court, the sadistic marshals hit every pothole so Terry will bump his head on the van roof. One deep pothole causes him to fall and fracture his elbow. Hilarity ensues for the Marshals. Terry writhes in severe pain.

Terry is delivered to the courthouse in New Hampshire. His sister has retained a DEFENSE ATTORNEY. Surprise, it’s the former DA who prosecuted him. The JUDGE asks if Terry accepts the plea bargain. His attorney says, “He does, your Honor.” Gavel bang. “Okay, then, credit for time served. Case dismissed!”

Terry has no money to get back to California. In desperation, he hitchhikes and walks to his estranged father’s place outside of Boston. His father, who’s gay and living with a PARTNER, is dying of AIDS. Dad takes him in, gives him the money. His father explains that he never contacted him because he assumed Terry wouldn’t approve. Terry gets closure before his dad passes away, which vanquishes the remainder of his anger.

At the airport, Terry’s sister delivers the theme of the story when she reminds him that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. In an epiphany, he realizes every single prisoner represented one of Terry’s shortcomings: alcoholism, bigotry, ignorance, homophobia, atheism, and selfishness, and the three-month long van ride forces Terry to overcome each character defect. The trip has completely transformed him. He calls his kids, eager to begin building a better relationship with them in California.

The story ends with a title crawl containing shocking but true statistics about the little-known private prisoner transport industry.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Freyer.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Freyer.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Freyer.

[Tom Freyer]

1. Name? Tom Freyer

2. How many scripts you’ve written? Over 12, including 2 pilots.

3. What you hope to get out of the class? A script that ranks among the best in Hollywood, and a more effective, efficient and elegantly elevating system for rewriting

4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? Before I became a produced screenwriter, I was an ad agency Creative Director, and created over 300 TV commercials, including four that appeared on Super Bowls.

[Tom Freyer]

1. Tom Freyer

2. I agree to the terms of this release form.

3. As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Tom Freyer]

Cool! There’s also a Devil’s Punchbowl near me, about 25 miles, at the base of the San Gabriel Mountains and Angeles Forest in Los Angeles. It’s an L.A. County park.

[Tom Freyer]

Hi Pat,

You need to create a member profile. Then I (or you) can send a connect request so we can use the forum’s email system for private feedback messages. Thanks!

Tom

[Tom Freyer]

Hi Pat,

Thanks. I’ll do the same!

Tom

[Tom Freyer]

Hi Patricia,

Interesting story. Would you like to exchange logline and one page feedback with me?

Please let me know. Thanks,

Tom