[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Characters for Horror

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to design characters to match the Concept.

Title: HORRORS ON HIGHWAY 66

Concept: Two guards on the brink of divorce transporting prisoners are forced to confront a shape-shifting unholy creature which claims their shackled prisoner victims one by one.

Characters:
Male Prison Guard (Caleb)
A gruff, jaded man whose marriage is disintegrating, Caleb is emotionally detached from the prisoners, but must confront his fears when they face a terrifying enemy.

Female Prison Guard (Jessica)
A tough, no-nonsense woman who must accept her marriage to Caleb is over. She questions her role as a guard when the terror unfolds.

Leader of the Prisoners (Tony)
A hardened, man with a notorious reputation, Tony manipulates people to get what he wants. He tries to control the other prisoners but fails miserably.

Rescuer Prisoner (Luis)
An intelligent man wrongly convicted, Luis risks his life to protect others. His deep sense of morality is at odds with the ruthless environment.

Complainer Prisoner (Eddie)
Obnoxious, self-centered inmate always complains about his life and grates on everyone’s patience. Facing death, he makes a desperate attempt to save himself.

Innocent Prisoner (Charlie)
An innocent man wrongly accused of murder, Charlie, constantly at the mercy of the inmates, is driven crazy by the horrors he must face.

Out of Control / Obnoxious Prisoner (Derek)
A violent, erratic inmate who knows only violence stirs up chaos. When he must face the creature, his erratic habits makes him extremely dangerous.

Red Herring Prisoner (Alfred)
A mysterious, inscrutable prisoner, his true nature and role are unclear until the end. Is he an partner or a treacherous player in a survival game?

Complainer Prisoner (Vince)
A cowardly inmate, he can’t continually whines about his fate. His egotism costs others their lives. As the deaths unfold, he panics and loses total control.

The Creature (Apex)
A malevolent, shape-shifting creature morphs into human forms, its true form is a grotesque abomination. It lures its victims with false hopes then consumes them in tiny tidbits.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Terrifying Monster
Their Terror:
The RV doesn’t just take lives—it erases people. Victims vanish without a trace, their suffering covered up by a web of false identities and cold efficiency. No bodies, no evidence, no escape.
Their Mystery:
The RV is never seen refueling, its plates are always different, and its route seems random. Local police deny it exists. Those who investigate too closely disappear. It’s a ghost on wheels.
Their Fear-Provoking Appearance:
An old, rusted Winnebago. Pitch-black windows and bizarre, talisman-like bones tied to the roof rack. The back door has claw marks—on the inside. At night, strange silhouettes shift behind the curtains.
Their Rules:
1. If you see the RV and acknowledge it, you become a target.
2. It takes victims lured to the lonely forsaken two lane highway, where no one hears the shrieks.
3. It never stops for gas, food, or rest—only for its next kill.
Their Mythology:
Legends speak of the Black Route, a secret network of roads that appear on no maps, where people vanish without explanation. Some say the RV isn’t driven—it’s possessed. Others claim it's a modern-day version of the ancient chariots of fire. Either way, no one who enters ever returns.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

My name is Tom Wilson
I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Lesson Concepts

During this assignment, I learned what great fun it is to mix and match AI suggestions to come up with multiple good ideas. I select what is best.

Title: Highway to Hell

High Concept: On the way to finalize their divorce, a bickering couple witness a man being tortured in the back of a passing truck, only to find themselves hunted by a sadistic family of long-haul truckers who thrive on terrorizing late-night drivers.

Horror Components:
• Monster/Villain: A giant creature a twisted family of truckers must feed using CB radios, hidden road traps, and deadly chase tactics to stalk victims they feed to the monster.

• Terror: The primal fear of being hunted with nowhere to escape, amplified by the couple's own mistrust of each other.

• Horrific Environment: The endless, desolate highway at night, surrounded by bleak swamps and ominous truck stops. They enter a police station which is a facade. Inside is a butcher shop where tourists are cut up and fed to the monster they must constantly feed or he will devour them.

• Victims: The couple, forced to reconcile their fractured relationship to survive, encounter a gas station attendant desperately trying to repair their car's headlights before the creature strikes again.

• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

My name is Tom Wilson
I have written 3 scripts.
From this class, I hope to become an excellent Horror screenplay writer.
I am a foreign war veteran. I helped design space missions at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

I agree to all the trme of this form
.
1. Your name. – Tom Wilson

2. The words “I agree to the terms of this release form.” – And I agree to the terms of this release form

3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

0

• This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

My name is Tom Wilson.
I’ve completed three scripts.
Taking this class I hope to improve my writing quality and speed.
I am a foreign war veteran and helped design space missions at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson

I agree to the terms of the release form.

[Tom Wilson]

My name is Tom Wilson. I've completed 3 scripts. Look forward to developing better characters in my material.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson:
I agree to the terms of this release form.

Confidentiality Agreement
Posted by cheryl on April 15, 2022 at 9:37 pm

Hi everyone, As we go forward with the class, we need everyone here to acknowledge their agreement to the Group Confidentiality form. The purpose here is to protect yourself, each other and to make this a safe environment where you’ll be able to work on the most marketable concept you have without worry.

The release form does all of those things and it also makes whatever we work on in this class confidential. Once everyone has acknowledged their agreement on the forums, we’ll have a safe environment where we can all focus on our writing, instead of worrying about protection.

This Group Confidentiality Agreement covers the entire class.

I highly recommend that you agree to this confidentiality agreement so you can participate in all the group feedback.

Remember, the more you interact with this group, the stronger your relationships will be after the class is concluded. Those relationships can translate into career success, so they are valuable to cultivate.

See you then, Hal
I agree to the terms of this release form

If you agree to the terms of the release form, then you can post your assignments into the group and your cohort can give feedback on them.

Also, if you don’t agree to this group confidentiality agreement, you’ll still need to sign an agreement that says you will keep the strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class. #

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Emotions
Doing this assignment, I learned exposing emotions makes characters transparent.
24 – Jack:
• A. Situational: Hopes to get back with Kim / Fears Kim will divorce him..
• B. Motivated to get Kim to forgive him / Needs to breakup with Nina.
• C. Mask, Base Negative Emotion: guilt for sex with Kim/ Public Mask: Cool Pro
• D. Weaknesses: Needs to be a better father to his daughter
• E. Triggers: Gary tries to shut Jack up about his theft.
• F. Coping Mechanism: Proving to Kim he no longer has sex with Nina.

Nina:
• A. Situational: Hopes Jack will divorce Kim / Fears he will never leave Kim.
• B. Motivation: Wants Jack to divorce Kim / Needs to find another man.
• C. Mask – Base Negative Emotion = fears Jack doesn’t want her / Public Mask= Cool Pro
• D. Weaknesses: She’s in love with Jack.
• E. Triggers: Kim calls to see if she and Jack are no longer attracted to each other.
• F. Coping Mechanism: She grows closer to daughter Kim.

Gary:
• A. Situational: Hope / Fear: Hopes Jack will not save Palmer/Fears he’ll get caught.
• B. Motivation: Want / Need: Wants to keep the money he stole.
• C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask: Fears getting caught/All is cool.
• D. Weaknesses: Fears getting caught.
• E. Triggers: Jack’s suspicions about him.
• F. Coping Mechanism: Pretending everything is okay.

TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD – Sara:
• A. Situational: Hopes to find a cure / Fears Ratkin lies to her.
• B. Motivated to save her mother from the disease / Needs to breakup with Matt.
• C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion: Fears losing Matt/ Public Mask: All is cool.
• D. Weaknesses: Taking too much care of her mother.
• E. Triggers: Ratkin demands she marry him.
• F. Coping Mechanism: Being with Matt whenever she can.

Ratkin:
• A. Situational: Hope / Fear: Hopes to survive Afghans/Fears he’ll lose the election.
• B. Motivation: Want / Need: Wants to keep the money he stole/Needs to believe he’s cool.
• C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask: Fears getting caught/All is cool.
• D. Weaknesses: Fears getting caught.
• E. Triggers: Matt asking too many questions.
• F. Coping Mechanism: Keeping a lid on his fearful emotions.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Emotions
Doing this assignment, I learned exposing emotions makes characters transparent.
24 – Jack:
• A. Situational: Hopes to get back with Kim / Fears Kim will divorce him..
• B. Motivated to get Kim to forgive him / Needs to breakup with Nina.
• C. Mask, Base Negative Emotion: guilt for sex with Kim/ Public Mask: Cool Pro
• D. Weaknesses: Needs to be a better father to his daughter
• E. Triggers: Gary tries to shut Jack up about his theft.
• F. Coping Mechanism: Proving to Kim he no longer has sex with Nina.

Nina:
• A. Situational: Hopes Jack will divorce Kim / Fears he will never leave Kim.
• B. Motivation: Wants Jack to divorce Kim / Needs to find another man.
• C. Mask – Base Negative Emotion = fears Jack doesn’t want her / Public Mask= Cool Pro
• D. Weaknesses: She’s in love with Jack.
• E. Triggers: Kim calls to see if she and Jack are no longer attracted to each other.
• F. Coping Mechanism: She grows closer to daughter Kim.

Gary:
• A. Situational: Hope / Fear: Hopes Jack will not save Palmer/Fears he’ll get caught.
• B. Motivation: Want / Need: Wants to keep the money he stole.
• C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask: Fears getting caught/All is cool.
• D. Weaknesses: Fears getting caught.
• E. Triggers: Jack’s suspicions about him.
• F. Coping Mechanism: Pretending everything is okay.

TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD – Sara:
• A. Situational: Hopes to find a cure / Fears Ratkin lies to her.
• B. Motivated to save her mother from the disease / Needs to breakup with Matt.
• C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion: Fears losing Matt/ Public Mask: All is cool.
• D. Weaknesses: Taking too much care of her mother.
• E. Triggers: Ratkin demands she marry him.
• F. Coping Mechanism: Being with Matt whenever she can.

Ratkin:
• A. Situational: Hope / Fear: Hopes to survive Afghans/Fears he’ll lose the election.
• B. Motivation: Want / Need: Wants to keep the money he stole/Needs to believe he’s cool.
• C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask: Fears getting caught/All is cool.
• D. Weaknesses: Fears getting caught.
• E. Triggers: Matt asking too many questions.
• F. Coping Mechanism: Keeping a lid on his fearful emotions.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Intriguing Concept and World
Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to put the characters in adverse situations and see how they react and do what they have to, to reach their goals.

The Show’s Concept: What if a general abruptly pulls U.S. troops from Afghanistan so he can run for President? What if a popular Afghan scientist needs a PhD to find a cure for a disease killing her people? Solution: The general gets her into a PhD program. She marries him so US voters will forget he abandoned the Afghans to the cutthroat Taliban, and vote him into the White House.

The Show’s World: In war torn Afghanistan, a popular scientist secretly teaches science to girls which the Taliban forbids. After hours she seeks a cure to a disease ravaging her people including her mother. The general commanding U.S. forces in Afghanistan abruptly pulls U.S. troops out so he can run for President. The general returns to the U.S. with the scientist and hits the Presidential campaign trail. He agrees to put the scientist on a PhD path if she marries him so voters forget he abandoned the Afghans to the cutthroat Taliban and vote him into the White House. The scientist pursues a PhD at UC Berkeley. She teaches medical students during the day and at night in the lab seeks a cure for the disease. When U.S. troops were withdrawn, the scientist’s brother who is an Afghan army officer is captured by the Taliban. He convinces them to help him assassinate the general for deserting the Afghans. He plans to launch a Sword missile that will kill the general during his inauguration on the Capitol steps. He risks killing his sister who stands near the general during his swearing in.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Intriguing Character Layers

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to mix and match principal character’s fascinating lies, deceptions, hidden agendas and dirty secrets.

ASSIGNMENT 1
1. Places where I saw Character Intrigue in my 24 Example Show:
• Bauer’s boss is out to fire him because he knows he stole money from the agency.
• Bauer had an affair with his assistant.
• Bauer moved out. They’re back together but his wife doesn’t trust him.
• Bauer’s daughter is kidnapped to force him to let Presidential candidate be killed.

ASSIGNMENT 2

For your Inner Circle characters, fill in any of the Intrigue items that apply:
• Character Name: Sara Amed
• Role: Afghan scientist seeks a cure for a disease ravaging her people including her mother.
• Hidden agendas: She wants to marry her true love once she finds a cure.
• Competition: She must prevent her terrorist brother from killing the new President.
• Conspiracies: The Vice President and the general plot to sell our secrets to Iran.
• Secrets: She secretly teaches girls which the Taliban forbids.
• Deception: She agrees to marry the general but secretly rendezvous with her true love Matt.
• Wound: She’s devastated the Russians killed her father during their 1980s occupation..

• Character Name: General Ratkin
• Role: He abruptly pulls U.S. troops out abandoning the Afghans to the cutthroat Taliban.
• Hidden agendas: He exits Afghanistan so he can run for President.
• Competition: He competes with the Vice President to be nominated for President.
• Conspiracies: He secretly leaves U.S. weapons behind for the Taliban.
• Secrets: He watches kiddie porn on the internet.
• Deception: As President he will sell our sensitive secrets to Iran.
• Wound: He’s secretly knows he’s a coward and a loser.

• Character Name: Lieutenant Matt Brown
• Role: Deputy U.S. commander in Afghanistan under General Ratkin
• Hidden agendas: He leads Ratkin’s security squad so he can have a secret affair with Sara.
• Competition: He competes with Sara’s brother
• Conspiracies: He conspires with the outgoing President to spy on President Ratkin.
• Deception: He leads Ratkin’s security squad so he can be near Sara.
• Wound: When Sara marries Ratkin, he prays he and Sara can someday marry.
• Secret Identity: He secretly rendezvous with Sara who spies on Ratkin.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Intriguing Character Layers

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to mix and match principal character’s fascinating lies, deceptions, hidden agendas and dirty secrets.

ASSIGNMENT 1
1. Places where I saw Character Intrigue in my 24 Example Show:
• Bauer’s boss is out to fire him because he knows he stole money from the agency.
• Bauer had an affair with his assistant.
• Bauer moved out. They’re back together but his wife doesn’t trust him.
• Bauer’s daughter is kidnapped to force him to let Presidential candidate be killed.

ASSIGNMENT 2

For your Inner Circle characters, fill in any of the Intrigue items that apply:
• Character Name: Sara Amed
• Role: Afghan scientist seeks a cure for a disease ravaging her people including her mother.
• Hidden agendas: She wants to marry her true love once she finds a cure.
• Competition: She must prevent her terrorist brother from killing the new President.
• Conspiracies: The Vice President and the general plot to sell our secrets to Iran.
• Secrets: She secretly teaches girls which the Taliban forbids.
• Deception: She agrees to marry the general but secretly rendezvous with her true love Matt.
• Wound: She’s devastated the Russians killed her father during their 1980s occupation..

• Character Name: General Ratkin
• Role: He abruptly pulls U.S. troops out abandoning the Afghans to the cutthroat Taliban.
• Hidden agendas: He exits Afghanistan so he can run for President.
• Competition: He competes with the Vice President to be nominated for President.
• Conspiracies: He secretly leaves U.S. weapons behind for the Taliban.
• Secrets: He watches kiddie porn on the internet.
• Deception: As President he will sell our sensitive secrets to Iran.
• Wound: He’s secretly knows he’s a coward and a loser.

• Character Name: Lieutenant Matt Brown
• Role: Deputy U.S. commander in Afghanistan under General Ratkin
• Hidden agendas: He leads Ratkin’s security squad so he can have a secret affair with Sara.
• Competition: He competes with Sara’s brother
• Conspiracies: He conspires with the outgoing President to spy on President Ratkin.
• Deception: He leads Ratkin’s security squad so he can be be close to Sara.
• Wound: When Sara marries Ratkin, he prays he and Sara can someday marry.
• Secret Identity: He secretly rendezvous with Sara who spies on Ratkin.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

New Concept: An Afghan scientist marries a U.S. general running for President in exchange for a PhD, while her homeland crumbles under Taliban control.
New Intriguing World: In the wake of the U.S. troop withdrawal, Afghanistan descends into chaos. The Afghan Army disintegrates, leaving terrified citizens to defend themselves in brutal firefights with the Taliban. The once thriving cities are now wastelands, where marauding Taliban forces mercilessly butcher men, women, and children, creating a constant sense of dread and hopelessness. Amid this relentless violence, a lone scientist’s mission to cure a deadly disease intertwines with the fate of a collapsing nation, amplifying the stakes of every choice she makes.
This world offers a high-stakes environment filled with tension and human drama that will captivate a wide-ranging audience, blending personal sacrifice with geopolitical intrigue.

[Tom Wilson]

ASSIGNMENT 1
Jack Bauer’s Engaging Profile: Jack and wife Teri separated after he had an affair with co-worker Nina. He feels guilty, wants Teri and daughter Kim to forgive him. At work, he hunts down a foreign agent who stalks Presidential candidate Palmer whom he’s tasked to protect.

ASSIGNMENT 2:
Tom’s Engaging Main Characters
Doing this assignment, I learned it’s great fun to make my characters fascinating.
TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD: Show Journey: Sara goes from desperately seeking a cure for a disease ravaging her people to being the first Afghan First Lady. Ratkin goes from general commanding U.S. forces in Afghanistan to President of the U.S.

Main Characters: Scientist Sara Amed is forced to marry General Ratkin so he puts her on a PhD path to cure a disease ravaging her people. In turn, she must break up with her true love and marry Ratkin so voters will forget he abruptly pulled U.S. troops from Afghanistan so he could run for President.
• Main Characters’ Role/Purpose/Expertise:
1. Protagonist Sara Amed’s purpose is to find a cure and save her people from the disease including her mother, Fazela. Beneath the surface she secretly meets with her true love, Lt. Matt Brown. To get a PhD to cure the disease she must break up with Matt and marry Ratkin so he can get elected President. During the day she interprets for U.S. soldiers training Afghans to fight the Taliban. At night, she secretly teaches young girls which Taliban forbids, and seeks a cure using old lab equipment. We empathize with her because she must make stressful, life threatening decisions about the future for her mother, her people and herself.

2. Antagonist General Ratkin‘s purpose is to be nominated and elected President so the incumbent Vice President Philby isn’t nominated to be President because he was caught selling classified secrets to an undercover FBI agent posing as an Iranian spy. He is unpredictable because he leaves billions of dollars worth of U.S. materiel behind when he pulls U.S. troops out of Afghanistan so he can rush to the U.S. in time to qualify to run for President. His secret: He plotted with Philby to sell the secrets to Iran and is only slightly less guilt. He’s totally useless as a commanding officer and grossly unqualified to be President. We empathize with him for all the wrong reasons. He’s comical in his stupid decision-making. Morally, he’s despicable because he watches kiddie porn and has no qualms about shooting “wogs” (Afghans) he dislikes.

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom's Three Circles of Characters
Assignment 1: Example Show 24 list of each circle
A. Main Characters Circle:
• Jack Bauer [Kiefer Sutherland]
• Teri Bauer [Leslie Hope]
• Nina Myers [Sarah Clarke]

B. Connected Circle:
• Kim Bauer [Elisha Cuthbert]
• Senator David Palmer [Dennis Haysbert]
• Gary Matheson [Richard Burgi]

C. Environment Circle:
• Misc. security men and women
• Misc. male and female pedestrians
• Misc. Terrorist unit personnel

Assignment 2: My Show TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD list of each circle
Tom' s Three Circles of Characters
Doing this assignment I learned it’s fun to make characters interesting.

A. Main Characters Circle:
• Sara Amed, Afghan Scientist
• General Ratkin, Commander U.S. troops in Afghanistan
• Lt. Matt Brown, Sara’s fiancé

B. Connected Circle:
• Zeno Amed, Sara’s brother
• Lee and Abrams, JAG officers investigate Ratkin
• Fazela, Sara’s mother, fought against the occupying Russians in 1980s.

C. Environment Circle:
• Misc. Pentagon military personnel
• U.S. troops exiting Bagram Air Force Base
• Political party convention delegates

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson’s Emotional Moments
My Vision: I am a successful screenwriter whom producers call when they need quick, quality work.

Doing this assignment I learned to enhance big emotional moments to increase the audience’s connection with characters.

Genre: Thriller
Format: Feature Film

TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD – Depth Emotional Moments
Act 1: Opening, Inciting Incident, Turning Point
1. **Emotional Dilemma – Sara's Decision to Break Up with Lt. Matt Brown**
– **Scene**: Sara, torn between her love for Matt and her duty to her people, must decide whether to pursue the PhD to help her find a cure or to stay with Matt. In an intimate scene, she meets Matt in a secluded park where they often spent time together. As they walk, Sara's internal struggle intensifies. The emotional dilemma reaches its peak when Matt, unaware of her decision, talks about their future together. Sara tells him she must leave him to pursue the PhD. Matt, shocked and hurt, tries to understand. Sara insists it's for the greater good. The scene ends with a heartbreaking silence. They part ways, leaving both devastated.

2. **Surprise – General Ratkin's Proposal to Sara**
– **Scene**: After Sara decides to pursue the PhD, General Ratkin approaches her with a shocking proposal. In a dimly lit government office, Ratkin, with his calculating demeanor, presents Sara with a deal: he’ll ensure her PhD admission and fund her research if she agrees to become his fiancée. The surprise is evident on Sara’s face as she realizes the enormity of the decision she must make. Ratkin’s cold, pragmatic tone contrasts with Sara’s emotional turmoil, creating a tension-filled moment. The scene ends with Sara’s shocked expression, leaving the audience wondering what she’ll do next.

3. **Bonding – Sara and Her Mother, Fazela**
– **Scene**: Before making her final decision, Sara visits her ailing mother, Fazela, in their modest home. Fazela, once a strong resistance fighter, is now frail and bedridden. In a touching moment, Sara gently cares for her mother, feeds her and recounts stories from her childhood. Fazela, sensing Sara’s distress, reminds her it's most important their people survive. The bonding moment strengthens Sara’s resolve, highlights their mother and daughter deep love for each other . This emotional foundation motivates Sara to accept Ratkin’s proposal.

4. **Courage – Sara Accepts Ratkin’s Proposal**
– **Scene**: After much internal struggle, Sara returns to Ratkin’s office to give him her answer. In a powerful moment of courage, she agrees to the proposal, fully aware of the personal sacrifices she’s making. As she speaks, her voice is steady but filled with emotion, reflecting the gravity of her decision. Ratkin, emotionless, seals the deal with a handshake. Sara exits, her expression determined and sorrowful. The scene sets the stage for the challenges ahead, marking a pivotal turning point in the story.

 
Act 2: Middle Turning Point, Turning Point
1. **Distress – Sara's Struggle with Public Scrutiny**
– **Scene**: As Ratkin’s fiancée, Sara becomes the center of media attention. Montage: Sara is at public events, overwhelmed by reporters' probing questions. The constant scrutiny takes a toll on he. During one particularly intense scene, a journalist questions her loyalty to Afghanistan. Distressed, on the verge of breaking down, Sara rushes to a secluded area, where she grapples with the weight of her decision. She realizes the emotional cost of her new role,. It sets up her growing inner conflict.

2. **Betrayal – Zeno Discovers Sara's Engagement**
– **Scene**: Unaware of Sara’s arrangement with Ratkin, Zeno sees a news show announcing their engagement. In a fury, he storms into Sara’s apartment, demanding an explanation. The confrontation is intense, with Zeno accusing Sara of betraying their people and their family’s legacy. Sara, equally emotional, tries to explain her reasons, but Zeno is too blinded by anger to listen. The scene ends with Zeno storming out, leaving Sara devastated and questioning whether she made the right choice.

3. **Excitement – Sara's Breakthrough in the Lab**
– **Scene**: Amidst the chaos of her personal life, Sara has a breakthrough in her research. In the lab, late at night, she discovers a crucial piece of the puzzle that could lead to the cure. The excitement is palpable as she rushes to document her findings, her earlier distress momentarily forgotten. This scene is a high point in the narrative, showcasing Sara’s brilliance and the hope that her research brings to the story.

4. **Hidden Weakness – Ratkin’s Cowardice Exposed**
– **Scene**: In a private conversation, Ratkin reveals his true colors to Sara. Faced with a political crisis, he admits that his decision to pull troops from Afghanistan was not out of strategy but fear of losing his political career. This moment exposes Ratkin’s hidden weakness, shattering the strong, authoritative image he’s cultivated. Sara, disgusted and disillusioned, begins to see the man she’s aligned herself with for what he truly is, deepening the moral and emotional conflict.

Act 3: Rethink Everything, New Plan, Turning Point: Huge Failure/Major Shift
1. **Emotional Dilemma – Sara Questions Her Choices**
– **Scene**: After learning of Ratkin’s cowardice, Sara is consumed by doubt. In a quiet moment alone, she reflects on the choices she’s made and the sacrifices that have come with them. The emotional dilemma intensifies as she realizes that her engagement to Ratkin, meant to be a means to an end, has cost her more than she anticipated. The scene is introspective, with Sara’s internal monologue revealing her deep regret and the growing desire to reclaim control of her life.

2. **Moral Issue – Sara Confronts Ratkin**
– **Scene**: Determined to take a stand, Sara confronts Ratkin in his office. The confrontation is heated, with Sara accusing him of exploiting her and her people for his own gain. She challenges his moral compass, forcing him to face the consequences of his actions. Ratkin, taken aback by Sara’s newfound assertiveness, tries to manipulate her, but Sara remains firm. This moment marks a significant shift in Sara’s character, as she begins to assert her own values and moral beliefs over Ratkin’s manipulations.

3. **Sacrifice – Sara’s Decision to Leave Ratkin**
– **Scene**: Realizing that staying with Ratkin will only lead to further moral compromises, Sara decides to leave him, despite the potential loss of her PhD and research funding. The sacrifice is immense, as it means giving up the very thing she’s been fighting for. In a poignant scene, Sara packs her belongings, leaving behind the opulence of Ratkin’s world for the uncertainty of her future. The emotional weight of this decision is evident as she walks away, both liberated and terrified of what lies ahead.

4. **Trigger their Wounds – Zeno’s Final Attempt at Revenge**
– **Scene**: Zeno, still burning with anger over Sara’s engagement, plans a final act of revenge against Ratkin. In a tense, action-filled sequence, Zeno infiltrates a public event where Ratkin is speaking. The scene is charged with emotion as Zeno’s deep-seated wounds drive him to the brink of violence. However, at the last moment, Sara intervenes, pleading with Zeno to reconsider. The emotional intensity of the moment is palpable as Zeno struggles between his desire for vengeance and his love for his sister. The scene ends with Zeno lowering his weapon, but the tension remains unresolved.

Act 4: Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict, Resolution
1. **Courage – Sara Publicly Denounces Ratkin**
– **Scene**: In the climactic moment of the film, Sara, having reached her breaking point, takes the stage at a political rally where Ratkin is about to speak. In a powerful display of courage, she publicly denounces Ratkin, exposing his cowardice and manipulation to the world. The crowd is stunned as Sara, her voice steady and filled with conviction, reveals the truth about their engagement and Ratkin’s true motives. The emotional impact is immense, as Sara’s words not only destroy Ratkin’s political ambitions but also liberate her from the burdens she’s carried throughout the film.

2. **Betrayal – Ratkin’s Descent**
– **Scene**: Following Sara’s public denouncement, Ratkin’s world begins to crumble. Betrayed by those closest to him, including his political allies, he finds himself isolated and powerless. In a dark, emotionally charged scene, Ratkin confronts the depths of his own failure, realizing that his ambitions have led to his downfall. The betrayal is twofold: from those around him and from his own misguided sense of invincibility. The scene is bleak, highlighting the tragic consequences of Ratkin’s actions.

3. **Love – Sara Reunites with Matt**
– **Scene**: After the dust settles, Sara returns to the park where she last saw Matt. In a tender, emotional moment, she finds him waiting for her. The reunion is filled with love and relief as they embrace, finally free to be together without the burdens of their past decisions. The scene is quiet and intimate, providing a sense of closure and hope for the future. Sara’s journey comes full circle as she reclaims the love she sacrificed for the greater good.

4. **Success/Winning – Sara’s Cure is Found**
– **Scene**: In the final moments of the film, Sara is back in the lab, working tirelessly to finalize her research. In a moment of triumph, she discovers the cure for the disease that has plagued her people, including her mother. The scene is filled with a sense of victory and fulfillment as Sara holds the vial containing the cure, knowing that all her sacrifices were not in vain. The emotional resonance of this moment is profound, as it encapsulates the culmination of Sara’s journey and the realization of her ultimate goal.

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

GROUP RELEASE FORM
My name is Tom Wilson. As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

My name is Tom Wilson.
A foreign war veteran, I helped design space missions at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, have written three scripts, taken the major Screenwriting Classes, and hope to greatly improve my writing with the help of these fine classes using AI.

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Tom Wilson]

I’m Tom Wilson. A foreign war veteran, I helped design space missions at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, completed two scripts and look forward to writing better thrillers while taking this class.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Reveals!
My Vision: I shall use AI to come up with the best possible traits for my individual characters.
During this assignment I learned it’s very satisfying to customize traits to best fit each character.
TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD – Setups and Reveals:
Act I
Setup: Ratkin kicks Zeno off his plane
Reveal 1: Zeno chases plane, swears revenge
Setup: Taliban chief promises to let US troops leave peacefully
Reveal 2: Taliban shell airport as US troops fly out
Setup: Ratkin orders all US troops out of Afghanistan
Reveal 3: Sara and Ratkin fly out of Kabul airport
Setup: Sara refuses to marry Ratkin like she promised
Reveal 4: Ratkin falsely tells FBI Sara is a terrorist
Setup: VP Philby is a traitor but unindictable
Reveal 5: Sara marries Ratkin so Philby doesn’t become President
Setup: Zeno launches a Sword missile
Reveal 6: Missile explodes and injures Sara and Ratkin
Setup: Sara marrying Ratkin ensures he will be nominated
Reveal 7: Ratkin is nominated to be the party’s President
Setup: Phony FedEx driver drops a box off at Zeno’s building
Reveal 8: FedEx box contains Sword missile
Setup: Sara shields Ratkin with Patel
Reveal 9: Missile kills Patel
Setup: Sara rendezvous with Matt in his apartment
Reveal 10: SWAT team breaks in and arrests Sara and Matt

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

SARA AMED
Act 1: The Setup
1. Using Primitive Means: Sara conducts field experiments using rudimentary equipment to test potential cures for the disease afflicting her people.
2. Engaging with Locals: Sara teaches local girls about science and healthcare, showing her empathetic nature.
3. Translating for Soldiers: Sara works as a translator for U.S. soldiers, building trust and rapport with them.
4. Confronting the Disease: Sara witnesses the devastating effects of the disease firsthand, including on her mother, Fazela.

Act 2: The Complication
1. Receiving the Offer: Sara is approached by General Ratkin with the offer to study in the U.S. in exchange for marrying him.
2. Internal Struggle: Sara grapples with the moral and emotional implications of the offer, torn between her duty to her people and her personal desires.
3. Decision to Accept: Despite her reservations, Sara decides to accept Ratkin’s offer to save her mother and find a cure.
4. Leaving Afghanistan: Sara leaves her homeland, filled with both hope and guilt.

Act 3: The Confrontation
1. Adjusting to Berkeley: Sara struggles to adapt to life in the U.S. while facing prejudice and isolation.
2. Intense Research: Sara immerses herself in her research, pushing herself to the limit to develop a cure.
3. Confronting Ratkin: Sara realizes the full extent of Ratkin’s manipulation and confronts him about his motives and the impact of his actions on Afghanistan.
4. Moral Dilemma: Sara is presented with a choice between furthering her research and exposing Ratkin’s true nature to the public.

Act 4: The Resolution
1. Breakthrough: Sara makes a significant breakthrough in her research, discovering a potential cure.
2. Public Exposure: Sara decides to go public with the truth about Ratkin’s actions, risking her own safety.
3. Personal Sacrifice: Sara sacrifices her safety and potential future in the U.S. to ensure the truth is revealed and justice is served.
4. Triumphant Return: Despite the danger, Sara returns to Afghanistan with the cure, ready to help her people and rebuild her life.
 
GENERAL RATKIN
Act 1: The Setup
1. Ordering Withdrawal: General Ratkin orders the abrupt withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan, prioritizing his political ambitions over the safety of the Afghan people.
2. Strategizing Campaign: Ratkin begins to strategize his presidential campaign, using the troop withdrawal as a key talking point.
3. Manipulating Media: Ratkin manipulates the media narrative to position himself as a decisive leader making tough decisions.

Act 2: The Complication
1. Making the Offer: Ratkin approaches Sara with his offer, leveraging his power and influence to persuade her.
2. Campaigning Aggressively: Ratkin campaigns aggressively, using populist tactics and fear-mongering to gain support.
3. Dealing with Opposition: Ratkin deals ruthlessly with any opposition, using underhanded tactics to undermine his political rivals.

Act 3: The Confrontation
1. Controlling Sara: Ratkin attempts to control and manipulate Sara, ensuring she stays loyal and doesn’t expose his true nature.
2. Facing Scrutiny: Ratkin begins to face scrutiny and criticism as the consequences of his actions in Afghanistan become apparent.
3. Desperation: Ratkin becomes increasingly paranoid and desperate as his campaign faces challenges and his true motives are questioned.

Act 4: The Resolution
1. Surviving Assassination Attempt: Ratkin survives an assassination attempt, using the incident to garner sympathy and support.
2. Winning the Election: Despite the turmoil, Ratkin wins the presidential election through a combination of fear tactics and manipulation.
3. Facing Exposure: Ratkin faces public exposure as Sara reveals the truth, leading to a political and personal downfall.
4. Reconciliation with Self: In a rare moment of introspection, Ratkin faces his own demons and the consequences of his actions, though it’s too late to redeem himself.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s New Outline Beats!
Vision: I see myself logically stepping thru the story and fixing missing or redundant points.
Doing this assignment, I learned it’s easy to spot holes and redundant passages.

Beginning to End
Moving front to back, I added three Deep Layers.

Ending to Beginning
Added higher stakes

Pick Event, go both ways
Raised conflict among team

[Tom Wilson]

Please disregard

[Tom Wilson]

TOM’s Beat Sheet – Draft 1
VISION: I’ll continue to improve my writing so producers can rely on me to do a good job for them.
Doing this assignment, I gained inside overview of my story I hadn’t experienced before.
My project is called TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD. It is a Feature – Thriller
CONCEPT: What if a U.S. general abruptly orders all U.S. troops out of Afghanistan so he can run for President? Here’s the twist: he must blackmail a popular Afghan scientist to marry him so voters will forget he left the Afghans in the hands of the bloodthirsty Taliban, and vote for him.
PJ Sara Amed is a scientist wants an advanced degree so she can save her people from a disease
AJ General Ratkin commands U.S. forces fighting with the Afghan Army to defeat the Taliban.
Teaser: Sara PJ1: Taliban attacks the departing G.I.s. Sara, General Ratkin and U.S. troops board planes to exit Afghanistan. Ratkin kicks Sara’s brother Afghan Army Lt. Zeno off his plane because he’s a “queer.” Zeno swears revenge. Matt’s wounded and is medevacked.
ACT I: Sara PJ2: Frantically works at night to find a cure for a disease killing her people including her mother, Fazela. Says No! to Ratkin’s advances.
Deeper Reveal: Sara secretly teaches girls which Taliban forbids, and Fazela, her mother who caught the disease.
Ratkin AJ1: General Ratkin views kiddie porn, delegates tasks to Lt. Matt Brown, Sara’s secret lover.
Sara PJ3: Sara’s mentor Dr. Mano tells her Ratkin can get her PhD to help her find a cure.
Inciting Incident: Ratkin abruptly orders U.S. troops to evacuate Afghanistan. A suicide bomber in the crowd explodes. Hundreds are killed. Chaos ensues.
Deeper Reveal: He pulls troops out so he can return in time to run for President.
Ratkin AJ2: Tallie leader promises Ratkin they won’t attack U.S. troops as they fly home if Tallies get to keep U.S. weapons.
Sara PJ4: Sara asks Ratkin to help her get a PhD. He agrees if she becomes his fiancé to help him be elected President. Sara reluctantly agrees. She’s crushed she must breaks up with her true love Matt.
Act I TP: Ratkin and Sara fly to U.S. Zeno joins Taliban, tells Tallie leader he can assassinate Ratkin.
Ratkin AJ3: Ratkin announces their engagement. A 60 MINUTES interview makes her very popular. She becomes the poster child for the Afghan people who were abandoned by the U.S.
At Berkeley, Sara seeks a cure in the lab at night, each day she teaches med school students.
Deeper Reveal: Without the chance to get her PhD, she would never be close to Ratkin.
Ratkin AJ4: Recovered from his wounds, Matt joins Ratkin’s security detail.
Deeper Reveal: He joins the detail to be close to Sara even though she’s engaged to Ratkin.
Midpoint – Ratkin tells FBI, Sara’s a terrorist; she flees back to Afghanistan to find the real terrorist.
Sara PJ5: Fazela is sicker. Sara gives her new meds, she gets better. Sara learns Zeno joined the Taliban, sees Zeno launch missiles in the desert. She hears rumors he will attempt to kill Ratkin.
Act II: Matt to Sara: Ratkin must be elected because his opponent is an unindictable traitor; she agrees to marry Ratkin so voters forget he deserted the Afghans. the traitor will .
In the U.S., Matt leads Ratkin’s security detail. Matt spots, chases Zeno, who gets away.
Crisis – Zeno launches missile at Ratkin as he’s sworn in on the Capitol steps.
Act III: Deeper Reveal: Fazela secretly assists Zeno. When he launches the missile, Fazela aims it away from Ratkin or Sara. Sara saves Ratkin, who goes to a hospital.
Act IV: Climax – Mano a mano battle: Matt vs Zeno. Fazela trips Matt, helps Zeno escape.
Resolution: Sara and Matt rendezvous at his condo. Secret Service barges in and arrests them.

[Tom Wilson]

5 New Plot Layers:
1. Secret Research: Sara discovers classified research data from U.S. government projects that could expedite her quest for a cure. However, accessing this information means betraying her country.
2. Political Conspiracy: It is revealed that the disease afflicting Sara's people is not natural but was created as a biological weapon by a faction within the U.S. government to control the region.
3. Double Agent: General Ratkin is secretly working with a rival faction or country. His plan to withdraw U.S. troops and his presidential ambitions are part of a larger scheme to destabilize the U.S. from within.
4. Betrayal within Ranks: Sara learns that Matt, her true love, is involved in the very conspiracy she is trying to fight against, forcing her to choose between her love and her mission.
5. Self-Sacrifice: The climax reveals that the only way to distribute the cure effectively involves Sara risking her own life, making her journey not just about finding the cure but also about becoming the ultimate savior.
5 New Character Layers for Antagonist:
6. Traumatic Childhood: General Ratkin’s childhood was marred by abuse and neglect, shaping his current lack of empathy and twisted sense of power.
7. Hidden Vulnerability: Despite his tough exterior, Ratkin has a chronic illness or disability that he hides, which adds a layer of irony to his exploitation of Sara’s quest for a cure.
8. Secret Benefactor: Ratkin funds humanitarian projects or orphanages anonymously, hinting at a complex moral landscape and suggesting he’s not purely evil.
9. Haunted by the Past: Ratkin is haunted by the ghosts of soldiers he’s lost due to his incompetence, which manifests as insomnia and paranoid behavior.
10. Manipulative Genius: While publicly seen as inept, Ratkin is actually a master strategist who has manipulated his image to underestimate and disarm his enemies.
________________________________________
Genre: Thriller
Concept: An Afghan scientist must marry a U.S. general, who withdraws U.S. troops from Afghanistan so he can be elected President. In exchange, she can go for her PhD at Berkeley to find a cure for a deadly disease ravaging her people and her mother.
4-Act Structure:
• Opening: Introduction of Sara, her background, and her desperate situation. General Ratkin is introduced, showcasing his ambitions and unethical behavior.
• Inciting Incident: Sara is offered the deal by General Ratkin to marry him in exchange for her PhD and resources to find a cure.
• Act 1 Turning Point: Sara breaks up with Matt and reluctantly agrees to the marriage, setting her on a collision course with Ratkin's plans.
• Midpoint: Sara uncovers a key piece of research or data that significantly advances her work but also exposes a dark secret about the disease’s origin.
• Act 2 Turning Point: General Ratkin's true intentions and deeper conspiracies are revealed, escalating the stakes.
• Crisis: Sara faces a major setback, such as being exposed or losing critical research data, forcing her to make a drastic decision.
• Climax: A high-stakes confrontation between Sara and General Ratkin, with the future of the cure and many lives hanging in the balance.
• Resolution: The aftermath of the confrontation, Sara's victory or defeat, and the resolution of her personal journey and the disease's impact on her people.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Structure
My vision is to write well enough to have producers calling me back to do writing assignments.
Doing this assignment, I learned the Hero’s Journey is often the plot.

Sara Amed (Protagonist)
Beginning: Sara teaches girls science (Taliban forbids), translates for U.S. troops, searches for a cure for a disease afflicting her people and her mother Fazela, has an affair with her true love Lt. Matt Brown.

Turning Point: Ratkin abruptly orders U.S. troops out because he wants to run for President. So Sara can enter a Berkeley PhD program to find a cure, she agrees to be Ratkin’s fiancé so voters will elect him President.

Midpoint: Ratkin’s party still won’t nominate him because of his Afghan baggage. He confronts Sara in her Berkeley classroom: Marry me or I’m shipping you back to Afghanistan. Sara: Hell, no!.

Turning Point: Ratkin sics FBI onto her, says she’s a terrorist. She flees to Afghanistan to find the real terrorist.

Dilemma: Fazela has gotten worse. Sara gives her new meds. She gets better. Sara finds her twin brother Zeno joined Taliban and will assassinate Ratkin when he’s inaugurated. She returns to save Ratkin.

Major Conflict: Sara’s frantic to cure the disease vs Ratkin’s desire to become President.

Ending: Sara leaves the hospital early, reunites with Matt at his place. FBI breaks in an arrests them.

General Ratkin (Antagonist)
Beginning: Ratkin, who commands U.S. Army troops in Afghanistan, watches kiddie porn on his computer. He fancies Sara who doesn’t care for him.

Turning Point: A mysterious stranger orders Ratkin bring the troops home and run for President. So voters will forgive him for deserting the Afghans, he’s told to become engaged to the very popular Afghan scientist Sara.

Midpoint: Ratkin’s party won’t nominate him unless he marries Sara. She says no. He sics the FBI on to her because he says she’s a terrorist. She flees back to Afghanistan. Ratkin’s Presidential chances rapidly diminish.

Turning Point: Matt, Sara’s former lover, convinces her to return and marry Ratkin because the Presidential shoo-in was caught selling secrets to Iran but can’t be charged. Ratkin must beat him to the White House.

Dilemma: Sara hates that she must break up with Matt. They planned to marry and start a family. Instead she must pretend to love and marry Ratkin to prevent a terrorist from becoming President.

Major Conflict: Sara stands near Ratkin when he’s being sworn in on the Capitol steps. On a nearby rooftop, Zeno, Sara’s twin brother, launches a missile at Ratkin. It wounds Ratkin and Sara.

Ending: Still in hospital, Ratkin recovers from his wounds. Wonders why Sara left the hospital early.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Supporting Characters
My vision is to qualify as a reliable screenwriter who turns a producer’s notes around quickly.
Doing this assignment, I learned to quickly consolidate warts and dimples characters have.

Fazela – Support 1:
• Role: She is Sara’s mother, an insurgent who used CIA supplied Stinger missiles to destroy Russian helicopters during their 1980s occupation of Afghanistan.
• Main purpose: Support her twin children Sara and Zeno in their opposed efforts to bring peace to Afghanistan.
• Value: Often corrects Zeno who makes mistakes; praises Sara for her research and teaching.

Dr. Amins – Background Character 1:

• Role: Mentor of Sara, as she seeks a cure for the disease; helps Zeno prepare to assassinate General Ratkin.
• Main purpose: Speed the plot along.
• Value: Supplies expertise and friendly advice as needed

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom's Character Profiles Part 2

My vision is to become the go to writer producers want to work with.

Doing this assignment, I figured out my characters before I write the script. It helps me create scenes and actions that fit the characters.

Scientist Sara Amed – Protagonist
Role in the Story: Protagonist frantically searches for a cure to the disease afflicting her people and her mother.

Age Range and Description: Late 30s. A driven, no nonsense woman who searches for a cure, translates for Lt. Matt Brown, whom she’s secretly lives with, teaches science to young girls which the Taliban forbids.

Core Traits: Sharp, straightforward.

Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to find a cure. Needs to get a PhD to help her cure the disease.

Wound: Fighting the Russians during their occupation, her father, a member of the opposition, was shot and died in the young Sara’s arms. She blames herself for not being able to save him.

Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Likable because she’s a hard worker others relate to; admired because she is empathetic and has a kind word for everyone.

Character Subtext: Whenever her late father is mentioned, she’s angry with herself for not saving him.

Character Intrigue: When her primitive research goes wrong, she wants to murder all the Taliban so she can get modern lab equipment to quickly find a cure for the disease before it kills her mother.

Flaw: She wants the war to be over now so she can save her mother, marry Matt and raise kids in the U.S.

Values: She wants her people to survive the disease and the Taliban and live plentiful, dignified lives.

Character Dilemma: When the Afghan war ends, will she continue to seek a cure and save her mother, or will she feel eternally guilty if she chooses to raise a family with Matt.

General Ratkin – Antagonist
Role in the Story: Antagonist who’s ordered to evacuate U.S. troops, return to the U.S. and run for President.

Age Range and Description: he’s too fat, despised by the soldiers he commands, watches kiddie porn, late 40s.

Core Traits: Bears grudges, not a born leader, suffers nightmares because he couldn’t win his father’s respect.

Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to meet a woman who will love him despite who he is; Needs to understand he must learn to give and not just take.
Wound: He became a general because his father coerced his pals to give his son undeserved breaks.

Likability, Relatability, Empathy: He is incapable of these feelings for anyone.

Character Subtext: He measures everyone according to what they can do for him..

Character Intrigue: He makes up excuses for giving those around him bad fitness reports.

Flaw: He’s paranoid, suspects everyone is out to get him.

Values: Punishes anyone under him even if they made only one minor mistake.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Profiles Part 1
My vision sees me cooperating with a producer so we are synchronized as much as possible.
Doing this assignment, to increase audience interest I set off each character against the others.

Scientist Sara Amed:
• High Concept: Sara’s frantic to find a cure for the disease afflicting her people and mother.
• Character’s journey: Scientist working primitive methods to a PhD candidate finding a cure.
• Actor Attractors for this character: She’s a kind woman desperate to save her people. She’s must break up with her true love Matt and become engaged to a disgusting man because it’s the only way she can get her PhD which enables her to find a cure for the deadly disease.
• Role in the Story: Protagonist who fears she won’t be able to cure the disease that afflicts her people and her mother.
• Age range and Description – Late 20s, attractive but serious minded
• Core Traits: Selfless, forever helping people
• Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to be a healer/Needs to find a cure
• Wound: She tearfully breaks up with Matt, hopes they will be together someday.
• Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Everyone connects with her almost immediately.

General Ratkin:
• High Concept: He must abandon the Afghans so he can become President.
• Character’s journey: A incompetent general who is elected to become an inept President.
• Actor Attractors for this character: He thinks he’s brilliant but he’s just the opposite. He watches kiddie porn, pays to have sex with children and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. He manipulates a scientist trying to save her people so he reaches his own selfish ends.
• Role in the Story: Antagonist who sacrifices the lives of hundreds of Afghans just so he can be elected President
• Age range and Description – Late 40s, common looking and thinking
• Core Traits: Selfish, vain, impatient
• Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to be elected President/Needs to be a much better person.
• Wound: His father gave up on him. Could not abide how selfish his son is.
• Likability, Relatability, Empathy: He is incapable of these feelings for anyone.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Likability/Relatability/ Empathy

My vision is to perform well and quickly so I will get writing assignments.

Doing this assignment, I got better at collecting good AI suggestions

Protagonist Sara Amed:
• Likability: Sara works tirelessly to find a cure and educate young women.
• Relatability: The audience warms to Sara, who over works herself.
• Empathy: Audience empathizes with Sara who wants to cure the disease to save her people as well as her mother who is also afflicted.

Antagonist General Ratkin:
• Likability: Many find Ratkin revolting, the opposite of likable.
• Relatability: Most can’t relate to Ratkin because he’s a stupid narcissist.
• Empathy: The Audience can’t empathize with Ratkin. He’s a pig.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Intrigue

My vision is to do great rewrites for producers so I will get steady work.

Doing this assignment, I learned to dig deeply into potential character layers.

Possible Intriguing Layers for Sara Amed:
1. Hidden Agenda: While seemingly agreeing to marry General Ratkin for her PhD, Sara is secretly planning to expose his unethical actions and prevent him from becoming President.
2. Secret: Sara has already discovered a promising lead for the cure but needs access to advanced research facilities to confirm it. This adds urgency to her need for the PhD program.
3. Unspoken Wound: Sara lost her parents to the disease she's trying to cure, fueling her determination but also causing her to struggle with survivor's guilt.
4. Secret Identity: Sara is covertly working with a network of Afghan scientists and activists to document war crimes and human rights abuses, using her position to gather intelligence.
5. Deception: Sara is feigning romantic interest in Ratkin while actually gathering evidence against him, potentially putting herself in danger.

Possible Intriguing Layers for General Ratkin:
1. Conspiracy: Ratkin is part of a larger political conspiracy involving influential backers who want to reshape U.S. foreign policy. His presidential run is just one part of their plan.
2. Competition: Ratkin is in a secret, cutthroat competition with other high-ranking military officials for political power, using the troop withdrawal as a bold move to outmaneuver them.
3. Secret: Ratkin, who is scared he’ll be a terrible President, attempts to do the right thing.
4. Deception: Ratkin is presenting the troop withdrawal as a peace initiative, while actually setting up lucrative private military contracts for himself and his allies.
5. Secret Identity: Beneath his patriotic exterior, Ratkin is a disillusioned cynic who works for people who want democracy to fail, and want to use the presidency to implement authoritarian measures.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Character Subtext for Gary Johnson:

Subtext Identity: Reluctant double agent
Subtext Trait: Covert anxiety and moral conflict
Subtext Logline: Gary is a reluctant double agent who struggles to maintain his facade while grappling with the ethical implications of his actions.

Gary's subtext revolves around hiding his true identity and intentions. He's constantly afraid of being exposed, both to the potential clients and to his students. He may use humor or intellectualism to deflect from his discomfort. His dialogue with Madison might have layers of meaning, as he tries to gather evidence while also potentially empathizing with her situation.

Character Subtext for Madison Mason:
Subtext Identity: Desperate survivor
Subtext Trait: Covert determination masked by vulnerability
Subtext Logline: Madison is a desperate survivor who carefully plans her husband's demise while presenting herself as a helpless victim.

Madison's subtext centers on her hidden strength and resolve. While outwardly appearing as a victim seeking help, she's inwardly calculating and determined. Her interactions with Gary might involve subtle tests to gauge his reliability and commitment. She could use her apparent vulnerability as a tool to manipulate Gary's emotions and convince him to take the job.

Possible Areas of Subtext for Gary:
– Hiding his true identity and connection to the police
– Afraid to say he's uncomfortable with the task
– Secret doubts about the morality of his actions
– Lying about his capabilities and intentions
– Withholding information from both the police and potential clients

Possible Areas of Subtext for Madison:
– Hiding the full extent of her abuse and her own plans
– Afraid to reveal her true strength and determination
– Secret contingency plans in case Gary refuses
– Lying about the extent of her resources or support network
– Luring Gary into committing to the job through calculated vulnerability

These subtext elements can add depth to the characters and create tension in their interactions, enhancing the thriller aspects of the story. 

[Tom Wilson]

Canceled

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Actor Attractors!
My vision is to become a proficient screenwriter whom producers can rely on for quality writing.
Doing this assignment, I found myself making quicker, better decisions using AI.
General Ratkin (Antagonist)
1. Known for Role:
• Complex Villainy: This role allows an actor to delve into a multifaceted villain who uses his power for personal gain, offering a chance to explore the darker sides of ambition and morality.
2. Most Interesting Character:
• Machiavellian Tactics: Ratkin's strategic mind and ruthless actions make him a captivating character, combining political manipulation with personal malice.
3. Interesting Actions:
• Blackmail and Deception: Ratkin's blackmail of Sara and his deceitful campaign maneuvers provide intense, dramatic scenes.
• Has a high-stakes confrontation with Sara, his political rivals, and even the media.
4. Introduction:
• Commanding Presence: Introduce Ratkin in a high-pressure military briefing, demonstrating his authoritative presence and strategic acumen, hinting at his ulterior motives.
5. Emotional Range:
• Cold Calculation to Explosive Rage: From calm, calculated manipulations to moments of explosive anger and frustration when things go awry.
6. Subtext:
• Hidden Insecurities: Despite his bravado, Ratkin's fear of failure and desperation to secure his legacy underlie his actions, providing depth to his ruthless facade.
7. Interesting Relationships:
• Manipulative Marriage: Forced relationship with Sara is control and resistance battleground.
• Political Rivals: Tense dynamics with political adversaries, adding intrigue and conflict.
8. Unique Voice:
• Authoritative yet Charismatic: His speeches and dialogues exude confidence and manipulation, blending military command with political charm.
9. Special:
• Power and Paradox: Ratkin's character is special due to his paradoxical nature – a protector turned oppressor, embodying the corrupting influence of power.

Lt. Matt Brown (Sara’s Secret Lover)
1. Known for Role:
• Tragic Heroism: An actor can portray a loyal soldier torn between duty and love, highlighting the personal cost of war and political ambition.
2. Most Interesting Character:
• Star-Crossed Lover: Matt's clandestine relationship with Sara amidst the chaos of war adds layers of romance and tragedy.
3. Interesting Actions:
• Secret Meetings: Risky rendezvous with Sara provides tension and emotional depth.
• Defiant Stand: Confronting Ratkin, boldly protecting Sara shows how brave, determined he is.
4. Introduction:
• Warzone Tenderness: Introduce Matt during a tender moment with Sara in a war-torn setting, contrasting the harsh environment with their intimate connection.
5. Emotional Range:
• Love to Desperation: His emotions swing from deep love and tenderness to frustration, anger, and despair as he fights to keep Sara safe.
6. Subtext:
• Silent Sacrifice: Matt's driven by a deep sense of sacrifice, hiding fears and doubts to support Sara.

7. Interesting Relationships:
• Forbidden Love: The secret and intense relationship with Sara.
• Brother-in-Arms: Bonds with fellow soldiers, highlights camaraderie and loyalty.
8. Unique Voice:
• Soft yet Strong: Matt's dialogue shows his gentle nature, inner strength and resolve.
9. Special:
• Warrior with a Heart: Matt is uniquely embodies a lover’s tenderness and a soldier’s courage.

Zeno Amed (Sara’s Twin Brother)
1. Known for Role:
• Complex Duality: An actor can explore the duality of Zeno's character, from loyal officer to vengeful insurgent.
2. Most Interesting Character:
• Vengeance and Loyalty: Zeno’s journey from military officer to Taliban collaborator out of a desire for vengeance adds complexity and intrigue.
3. Interesting Actions:
• Undercover Ops: His covert actions against Ratkin provide thrilling, high-stakes scenarios.
• Sibling Bond: Protective actions towards Sara, showcasing his deep familial loyalty.
4. Introduction:
• Conflict Introduction: Introduce Zeno in a tense encounter with Ratkin, hinting at his internal conflict and foreshadowing his eventual betrayal.
5. Emotional Range:
• Love to Fury: Zeno’s emotions range from protective love for his sister to intense anger and hatred towards Ratkin.
6. Subtext:
• Moral Ambiguity: His collaboration with the Taliban, despite his initial loyalty to the military, reveals a complex moral landscape.
7. Interesting Relationships:
• Sibling Connection: Deep and complex relationship with Sara, filled with support and tension.
• Enemy of the State: His antagonistic relationship with Ratkin, driven by a personal vendetta.
8. Unique Voice:
• Passionate and Conflicted: Zeno’s dialogue is charged with passion and conflict, reflecting his tumultuous journey.
9. Special:
• Unlikely Rebel: Zeno’s transformation from an officer to a vengeful insurgent makes him a unique and compelling character, embodying the personal cost of political machinations.
 
ChatGPT:
Sure, here's a detailed breakdown of "Terrible Swift Sword" with genre conventions incorporated into the 4 Act Transformational Structure for a thriller.
Title: Terrible Swift Sword
Concept =
What if a U.S. general abruptly orders all U.S. troops out of Afghanistan so he can run for President? Here’s the twist: he must blackmail a popular Afghan scientist to marry him so voters will forget he let the Afghans fall into the hands of the bloodthirsty Taliban.
Genre Conventions
PURPOSE: To thrill your audience with high stakes, plot twists, and suspense that never lets up until the adrenaline-packed climax.
LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS: The protagonist faces danger at every step – physically, emotionally, or mentally. The hero needs to either be in danger or future danger is implied.
MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE: There's a mystery that must be solved to survive. Intrigue involves the underhanded and covert villain’s plan. Suspense comes from the danger the hero faces.
HERO: Unknowing, unwitting, but resourceful hero.
VILLAIN: Dangerous, devious, and unrelenting. Committed to destroying anyone who gets in their way.
MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, anticipation, uncertainty, and surprise.
4 Act Transformational Structure:
Old Ways:
• Sara Amed: An Afghan scientist dedicated to her research and in love with Matt, struggling with the socio-political constraints of her country.
Act 1:
Opening:
• Introduce Sara Amed, a brilliant, popular Afghan scientist, and her loving relationship with Matt.
• Establish Afghan’s political tension, with U.S. troops present but rumors of an abrupt withdrawal.
• General Ratkin is introduced as a powerful and ambitious U.S. general eyeing the presidency.
Inciting Incident:
• General Ratkin announces the immediate withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan, shocking the world and destabilizing the region.
• Sara’s research is disrupted by the withdrawal, and the Taliban quickly moves in, escalating danger for Sara and her loved ones.
Turning Point:
• General Ratkin approaches Sara with a proposition: marry him to boost his political image in exchange for a guarantee that she can continue her research in the U.S.
• Ratkin’s blackmail: he holds evidence that could ruin her reputation and endanger her family if she refuses.
Act 2
New Plan:
• Sara agrees to Ratkin’s proposal, it’s the only way to save her research and protect her family.
• She plans to secretly gather evidence of Ratkin’s corruption and expose him.
Plan in Action:
• Sara marries Ratkin and moves to the U.S., starting her research under constant surveillance.
• She begins to covertly investigate Ratkin, using her scientific knowledge and connections.
Midpoint Turning Point:
• Sara discovers evidence of Ratkin’s ulterior motives and his involvement in illegal activities.
• Ratkin senses her betrayal, increasing the tension and danger around her.
Act 3
Rethink Everything:
• Sara realizes the full extent of Ratkin’s power and the network of corruption supporting him.
• She rethinks her strategy to gather evidence and ensure her safety and that of her loved ones.
New Plan:
• Sara talks to undercover journalists and activists who will leak the information anonymously.
• Sara sets a trap for Ratkin. She wants to publicly expose his corruption.
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift:
• Ratkin discovers leak attempt, retaliates violently, puts Sara and her allies in grave danger.
• Sara faces a moment of despair but finds a renewed determination to bring Ratkin down.
Act 4
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:
• Sara confronts Ratkin during a major public event, risking everything to expose him.
• Thrilling sequence: Sara unveils scientific evidence Ratkin’s corrupt.
Resolution:
• Ratkin is arrested, and his political career is destroyed.
• Heartbroken she lost Matt, Sara finds solace exposing Ratkin and continuing her research.
• Recognized for her bravery and intelligence, she secures a future with a significant impact.
New Ways:
• Sara Amed: Transformed into a courageous and resourceful hero who has navigated immense personal and political turmoil. She has learned to balance her personal sacrifices with her duty to a greater cause, emerging stronger and more determined than ever.
Genre Conventions Detailed
1. High Stakes: The potential collapse of Afghanistan, the blackmailing marriage, and the political ramifications of Ratkin’s ambitions.
2. Life and Death Situations: Constant threats from the Taliban, Ratkin’s retaliation, and the danger to Sara’s loved ones.
3. Mystery/Intrigue/Suspense: The covert investigation into Ratkin’s activities, the hidden motives, and the suspense of Sara’s every move being monitored.
4. Unknowing, Unwitting, but Resourceful Hero: Sara starts as an unsuspecting scientist but becomes a determined investigator and whistleblower.
5. Dangerous, Devious, and Unrelenting Villain: Ratkin embodies the ruthless antagonist, using his power to manipulate and destroy.
6. Main Emotions: The screenplay is packed with suspense, intrigue, mystery, and tension, keeping the audience on edge with constant anticipation and surprise.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Actor Attractors for HIT MAN, a feature
My vision is to write well enough to make a sale and be sought after as a screenwriter.
Doing this assignment, I have improved quality working quickly with AI.
Genre: Thriller / Comedy
Glenn Powell stars in HIT MAN feature directed by the renowned Richard Linklater.
• He plays college professor Gary who part time records an undercover cop entrapping people who hire him to kill someone. Abruptly, the cop is out and Gary is thrust into the “hit man” role. His mistake: He falls in love with sexy Madison who wants him to kill her abusive husband.
• Fish out of water: A college professor must play a hit man for the cops = last thing he wants to do.
• He plays wide ranging characters in exotic costumes, hair pieces and uses multiple accents.
• He shows off fancy dance steps with Madison.
• Twist: Breaks the rules: Falls in love with Madison.
• At her place she crawls all over him for more sex. He wears an airline pilot’s hat.
• He spouts deep theories to his college students who barely pay attention.
• His parttime life has him seducing people into hiring him to kill someone.
• He tells Madison he’s a people person but he’s supposed to be a hit man.
• He says he drives a Honda Civic so no one will remember him.
.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Genre Conventions
My vision to be capable of learning and writing the producer’s vision of the script he wants to do.
Doing this assignment, I confirmed I get better brainstorming ideas when I use AI.
Genre = Thriller
Title = Terrible Swift Sword
Concept = What if a U.S. general abruptly orders all U.S. troops out of Afghanistan so he can run for President? Here’s the twist: he must blackmail a popular Afghan scientist to marry him so voters will forget he let the Afghans fall into the hands of the bloodthirsty Taliban.

Genre conventions =
PURPOSE: To thrill your audience with high stakes, plot twists, and suspense that never lets up until the adrenalin packed climax.

LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS. They face danger at every step – either physically, emotionally, or mentally. The hero needs to either be in danger or there is the implication of future danger.

MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE: There's a mystery that must be solved to survive. Intrigue is the underhanded and covert Villain’s plan. Suspense comes from the danger the Hero faces.

HERO: Unknowing, unwitting, but resourceful hero

VILLAIN: Dangerous, devious, and unrelenting. Committed to destroy anyone who gets in their way.

MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, anticipation, uncertainty, and surprise.

4 Act Transformational Structure:
Act 1:
Opening:
• Teaser: To get a PhD to help Sara find a cure for the disease afflicting her people including her mother, she must marry Ratkin and help him get elected. Sara is devastated because she must break up with her true love, Matt, who gets wounded and evacuated to a military hospital. Reluctantly, she boards Ratkin’s plane with her brother Zeno whom Ratkin kicks off the plane because he’s a “queer.” Zeno chases the plane, waves a sword, screams he will kill Ratkin.
Act One:
• Introduce Sara Amed, brilliant, popular Afghan scientist who’s in a secret love affair with Matt.
• General Ratkin is introduced as a powerful, ambitious U.S. general eyeing the presidency.
• Establish the political tension, with U.S. troops still present but rumors of an abrupt withdrawal.
Inciting Incident:
• General Ratkin announces the immediate withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan, destabilizing the region.
• Reluctantly, she boards Ratkin’s plane with her brother Zeno whom Ratkin kicks off the plane because he’s a “queer.” Zeno chases the plane, waves a sword, screams he will kill Ratkin.
• Taliban quickly moves in, escalating danger for Sara and her loved ones.
Turning Point: Sara accompanies Ratkin to the U.S. She starts her PhD program at Berkeley. By days, she teaches med students. By night, she conducts her research.
Act 2:
New Plan:
• When they arrive in the U.S., at a press conference Ratkin announces his engagement to Sara.
• Sara gets on her PhD path at Berkeley. By day, she teaches med students. By night, she does her research under constant surveillance to find a cure to the disease.
• Plan in Action:
• Sara marries Ratkin and moves to the U.S., starting her research under constant surveillance.
• She begins to covertly investigate Ratkin, using her scientific knowledge and connections.
Midpoint Turning Point:
• Because his party won’t nominate Ratkin because he betrayed her people, he demands the very popular Sara marry him so voters will overlook his baggage. Sara says, Hell, no! In response, Ratkin tells the FBI Sara is the terrorist rumored to be planning to kill Ratkin.
• FBI agents confront Sara in her classroom. Students block them. Sara flees.
Midpoint Turning Point:
• Sara returns to Afghanistan to find the real terrorist so she can clear her name.

Act 3:
Rethink Everything:
• Her mother Fazela condition is worse, she is hospitalized.
• Her brother Zeno joined the Taliban and plans to kill Ratkin. Zeno is the real terrorist!
• The Vice President, who’s next in line to be President, is caught in a sting operation selling top secrets to an undercover agent posing as an Iranian spy. But the VP is an unindictable coconspirator!
• The party chairman finds Ratkin’s the only alternative Presidential.

New Plan:
• Recovered from his wounds, Matt signs up with Ratkin’s security detail so he can protect Sara.
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift:
• Zeno sneaks into the U.S. and practices firing a Sword missile in the desert.
• The plan goes awry when Ratkin discovers the leak attempt and retaliates violently, putting Sara and her allies in grave danger.
• Sara faces a moment of despair but finds a renewed determination to bring Ratkin down.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:
• Sara orchestrates a high-stakes confrontation with Ratkin during a major public event, risking everything to expose him.
• In a thrilling sequence, she manages to unveil Ratkin’s corruption live, using her scientific evidence and the help of her allies.
Resolution:
• Ratkin is a real loser as President.
• Sara is transformed into a courageous and resourceful hero who has navigated immense personal and political turmoil. She has learned to balance her personal sacrifices with her duty to a greater cause, emerging stronger and more determined than ever.

Genre Conventions Detailed
• High Stakes: The potential collapse of Afghanistan, the blackmailing marriage, and the political ramifications of Ratkin’s ambitions.
• Life and Death Situations: Constant threats from the Taliban, Ratkin’s retaliation, and the danger to Sara’s loved ones.
• Mystery/Intrigue/Suspense: The covert investigation into Ratkin’s activities, the hidden motives, and the suspense of Sara’s every move being monitored.
• Unknowing, Unwitting, but Resourceful Hero: Sara starts as an unsuspecting scientist but becomes a determined investigator and whistleblower.
• Dangerous, Devious, and Unrelenting Villain: Ratkin embodies the ruthless antagonist, using his power to manipulate and destroy.
• Main Emotions: The screenplay is packed with suspense, intrigue, mystery, and tension, keeping the audience on edge with constant anticipation and surprise.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
Doing this assignment, I get into AI faster and faster.
My vision is seeing myself brainstorming with a producer and suggesting great alternative ideas.
Concept: What if a U.S. general abruptly orders all U.S. troops out of Afghanistan so he can run for President? Here’s the twist: he must blackmail a popular Afghan scientist to marry him so voters will forget he fed the Afghans to the bloodthirsty Taliban. It’s a Thriller feature entitled TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD.
Main Conflict: It’s Scientist Sara vs General Ratkin: Sara needs a PhD to find a cure for a disease killing her people including her mother. She agrees to marry the general who abruptly pulls U.S. troops from Afghanistan so he can run for President. Because Sara is popular, he hopes voters will forget he left the Afghans to the mercies of the cutthroat Taliban and elect him President.
Old Ways:
– Sara likes her personal happiness better than saving people.
– She torn between love and duty.
– She must choose between her personal desires and her mission.
New Ways:
– She must sacrifice personal happiness for a greater cause
– She makes a major breakthrough, finds a potential cure for the fatal disease
– She prays she will be able to leave Ratkin and be with her true love Matt
• Teaser: Taliban shell Kabul airport as U.S. troops abruptly pull out of Afghanistan. Sara prepares to fly out in General Ratkin’s plane. Ratkin kicks her twin brother Zeno off the plane. Zeno chases the departing plane, swings a sword, screams vengeance on Ratkin.
Act 1: Sara and Zeno visit their mother Fazela in a makeshift hospital. Sara treats her for the disease she seeks to cure. Fazela helped drive out Russians during their 1980s occupation of Afghanistan.
• Inciting Incident: At U.S. military headquarters in Afghanistan, U.S. troop commander General Ratkin receives a fake voice phone call: “Get your troops out now!” Orders all U.S. troops out in 48 hours.
• Turning Point: Sara is heartbroken. At Kabul airport, Sara is devastated when she sees Matt get wounded and put on a medevack flight while she must fly to the U.S. with Ratkin.
Act 2: Deepening Mystery and Misdirection
New Plan: Sara begins work on her PhD to find a cure for the disease killing her people: She teaches med students during the day, researches for a cure at night.
• Plan in Action: Ratkin begs her to marry him so he can be elected President. She says, Hell, no! Seeking vengeance, he tells the FBI she is the Taliban terrorist rumored to be stalking him.
• Midpoint Turning Point: FBI arrive in Sara’s classroom to arrest her. Students help her escape.
Act 3: Rethinking Everything: Sara flees back to Afghanistan to find the real terrorist, her brother Zeno.
• New Plan: Recovered from his wounds, Matt joins Ratkin’s security detail to be near Sara.
• Turning Point: Zeno smuggles a Sword missile into the U.S., prepares to kill Ratkin at his Inauguration.
Act 4: Climax and Resolution
• Climax: In a tense, climactic sequence, on a D.C. rooftop, Zeno is ready to fire a missile at Ratkin when he’s sworn in on the Capitol steps. Surprise: Fazela assists him. As Zeno launches the missile at Ratkin, Fazela spoils his aim. The missile wounds Sara and Ratkin. Matt chases Zeno who escapes.
• Resolution: Sara and Ratkin are treated for their wounds in a hospital. Sara slips out, loses her Secret Service detail, and is reunited with Matt in his place. Surprise: The authorities arrive and arrest them.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Subtext Plot
My vision is to coordinate plots and payoffs so they smoothly blend into the story.
Doing this assignment shows me how to weave updates into the Outline.
Creating a thrilling subtext plot for your screenplay requires a careful weaving of hidden meanings and motivations beneath the surface events. Here are seven possible subtext plots for your screenplay:
1. Scheme and Investigation
Plot:
o Surface Plot: Sara marries General Ratkin to secure her place in the Berkeley PhD program, while secretly continuing her relationship with true love Matt Brown.
• Subtext Plot: Fazela recovers and investigates Ratkin's involvement in the disease plaguing Afghanistan. She suspects Ratkin caused the disease to spread so he would have and excuse to return to the U.S. and run for President.
• Key Events:
o Scheming: Ratkin manipulates political and military events to ensure he’s elected.
o Investigation: Sara collects clues and secretly interrogates Ratkin's associates.
o Climax: Fazela nudges Zeno when he launches missile. Ratkin is injured not killed by missile.
2. Layering
Plot:
• Surface Plot: Sara's journey to marry Ratkin and pursue her research at Berkeley.
• Subtext Plot: The marriage is a facade; Sara and Ratkin have a secret agreement. The cure for the disease is already known, but it’s being withheld for political leverage.
• Key Events:
• Layer 1: Sara appears to be a devoted wife.
• Layer 2: Flashbacks reveal Sara's real plan to expose Ratkin's manipulations.
• Revelation: Sara discovers documents proving Ratkin had the disease engineered to infect the Afghans so he would have an excuse to return to the U.S. and run for President.
• Climax: Sara is torn between exposing Ratkin and securing her research position at Berkeley.
3. Someone Hides Who They Are
Plot:
• Surface Plot: Sara’s makes a breakthrough: she finds a potential cure for the disease killing her people, including her mother Fazela.
• Subtext Plot: Matt Brown discovers Ratkin spread disease among the Taliban which they used to inflict Afghan civilians which kicked off the epidemic Sara seeks to stop.
• Key Events:
o Hiding: Ratkin’s scientist tells him the disease meant to kill Taliban now kills Afghans.
o Clues: Sara stumbles upon the scientist’s activities and suspects a larger conspiracy.
o Discovered: Ratkin discovers Matt works with JAG to get him. But they learn he must run for President because the expected nominee is a traitor and must not be elected.
 
4. The Fish Out of Water
Plot:
• Surface Plot: Ratkin’s rivals elites try to discredit Sara’s lab success.
• Subtext Plot: Sara navigates deceit and political intrigue while researching a cure.
• Key Events:
o Performance Pressure: Acting she’s the perfect political wife, Sara secretly does her research.
o Climactic Challenge: A phony scientistt on social media claims Sara fakes her research.
o Resolution: Sara makes a pivotal breakthrough in her research.
5. Superior Position
Plot:
• Surface Plot: Audience sees Sara's marriage and career progression.
• Subtext Plot: Audience knows Ratkin orchestrated the disease outbreak to ensure he’s elected.
• Key Events:
o Climax: Ratkin’s secret begins to unravel during the inauguration missile strike, and Sara must quickly act on the knowledge she gains.
6. A Major Cover Up
Plot:
• Surface Plot: Ratkin’s rise to power and Sara’s quest for a cure.
• Subtext Plot: Ratkin and his cronies cover up his involvement in the disease outbreak.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Transformational Journey

My vision is to use AI to work quickly to improve my writing quality and speed.

Doing this assignment, I find it easier each time to nail clever points.
1. Character Arc
Arc Begins:
• Who they are in the beginning:
o Name: Sara Amed, Afghanistan Scientist
o Issues and Limitations: Struggles to balance personal desires vs. duty to her people.
Arc Ends:
• How they changed and who they became at journey conclusion:
o Sara must balance the greater good over personal desires.

2. Internal/External Journey
Internal Journey:
• Beginning: Conflicted emotions about leaving Matt and her homeland.
• Middle: Feels guilt, loneliness after leaving Matt and joining Ratkin
• End: Will she stay with Ratkin or leave him to be with Matt?
External Journey:
• Beginning: Engages in scientific research with limited resources.
• Middle: Moves to U.S., marries Ratkin. Researches a cure for the disease
• End: Dilemma: Remain with Ratkin so she can research to find a cure, or go back to Matt and start a family.

Improvement: To enhance the internal and external journeys, ensure that Sara’s emotional struggles are mirrored by external conflicts and challenges. Create more scenarios where her internal decisions directly influence the plot, leading to tangible consequences and actions.
3. Old Ways / New Ways
Old Ways:
o Behaviors: Weighs personal happiness over saving her people.
o Emotions: Torn between love and duty.
o Thinking Patterns: Must choose between personal desires and her mission.
New Ways:
o Behaviors: Must she sacrifice personal happiness for a greater cause?
o Emotions: Confident in her abilities.
o Thinking Patterns: Understands the power of sacrifice for the greater good.

Improvement: To further develop the Old Ways and New Ways, ensure that these changes are gradually introduced through pivotal scenes and interactions. Show clear contrasts between Sara’s initial hesitations and her later decisiveness, using specific events and decisions to highlight her transformation.

3-Act Structure
Act 1: Setup
• Introduce Sara Amed, her life in Afghanistan relationship with Matt.
• Establish the deadly disease and Sara’s scientific aspirations.
• Present the ultimatum from General Ratkin and Sara’s dilemma.
• Sara makes the painful decision to leave Matt and marry Ratkin to pursue her PhD.
Act 2: Confrontation
• Sara’s struggles in the U.S., adjusts to her new life and research environment.
• The growing political tension as Ratkin prepares his presidential campaign.
• Sara’s internal conflict and loneliness, contrasted with progress in her research.
• Key turning points where Sara faces moral and ethical dilemmas.
Act 3: Resolution
• Sara discovers Ratkin’s corruption and true intentions.
• Climactic moment where Sara must choose between exposing Ratkin and securing her research.
• Sara successfully develops the cure and exposes Ratkin.
• Sara develops a potential cure which symbolizes her complete transformation.

This detailed breakdown ensures Sara Amed’s transformational journey is compelling and aligns with the thriller genre, emphasizing her growth from a conflicted individual to a determined and impactful leader.
Tom’s Transformational Journey

My vision is to use AI to work quickly to improve my writing quality and speed.

Doing this assignment, I find it easier each time to nail clever points.
1. Character Arc
Arc Begins:
• Who they are in the beginning:
o Name: Sara Amed, Afghanistan Scientist
o Issues and Limitations: Struggles to balance personal desires vs. duty to her people.
Arc Ends:
• How they changed and who they became at journey conclusion:
o Sara must balance the greater good over personal desires.

2. Internal/External Journey
Internal Journey:
• Beginning: Conflicted emotions about leaving Matt and her homeland.
• Middle: Feels guilt, loneliness after leaving Matt and joining Ratkin
• End: Will she stay with Ratkin or leave him to be with Matt?
External Journey:
• Beginning: Engages in scientific research with limited resources.
• Middle: Moves to U.S., marries Ratkin. Researches a cure for the disease
• End: Dilemma: Remain with Ratkin so she can research to find a cure, or go back to Matt and start a family.

Improvement: To enhance the internal and external journeys, ensure that Sara’s emotional struggles are mirrored by external conflicts and challenges. Create more scenarios where her internal decisions directly influence the plot, leading to tangible consequences and actions.
3. Old Ways / New Ways
Old Ways:
o Behaviors: Weighs personal happiness over saving her people.
o Emotions: Torn between love and duty.
o Thinking Patterns: Must choose between personal desires and her mission.
New Ways:
o Behaviors: Must she sacrifice personal happiness for a greater cause?
o Emotions: Confident in her abilities.
o Thinking Patterns: Understands the power of sacrifice for the greater good.

Improvement: To further develop the Old Ways and New Ways, ensure that these changes are gradually introduced through pivotal scenes and interactions. Show clear contrasts between Sara’s initial hesitations and her later decisiveness, using specific events and decisions to highlight her transformation.

3-Act Structure
Act 1: Setup
• Introduce Sara Amed, her life in Afghanistan relationship with Matt.
• Establish the deadly disease and Sara’s scientific aspirations.
• Present the ultimatum from General Ratkin and Sara’s dilemma.
• Sara makes the painful decision to leave Matt and marry Ratkin to pursue her PhD.
Act 2: Confrontation
• Sara’s struggles in the U.S., adjusts to her new life and research environment.
• The growing political tension as Ratkin prepares his presidential campaign.
• Sara’s internal conflict and loneliness, contrasted with progress in her research.
• Key turning points where Sara faces moral and ethical dilemmas.
Act 3: Resolution
• Sara discovers Ratkin’s corruption and true intentions.
• Climactic moment where Sara must choose between exposing Ratkin and securing her research.
• Sara successfully develops the cure and exposes Ratkin.
• Sara develops a potential cure which symbolizes her complete transformation.

This detailed breakdown ensures Sara Amed’s transformational journey is compelling and aligns with the thriller genre, emphasizing her growth from a conflicted individual to a determined and impactful leader.
Tom’s Transformational Journey
My vision is to use AI to work quickly to improve my writing quality and speed.
Doing this assignment, I find it easier each time to nail clever points.
1. Character Arc
Arc Begins:
• Who they are in the beginning:
o Name: Sara Amed, Afghanistan Scientist
o Issues and Limitations: Struggles to balance personal desires vs. duty to her people.
Arc Ends:
• How they changed and who they became at journey conclusion:
o Sara must balance the greater good over personal desires.
2. Internal/External Journey
Internal Journey:
• Beginning: Conflicted emotions about leaving Matt and her homeland.
• Middle: Feels guilt, loneliness after leaving Matt and joining Ratkin
• End: Will she stay with Ratkin or leave him to be with Matt?
External Journey:
• Beginning: Engages in scientific research with limited resources.
• Middle: Moves to U.S., marries Ratkin. Researches a cure for the disease
• End: Dilemma: Remain with Ratkin so she can research to find a cure, or go back to Matt and start a family.
Improvement: To enhance the internal and external journeys, ensure that Sara's emotional struggles are mirrored by external conflicts and challenges. Create more scenarios where her internal decisions directly influence the plot, leading to tangible consequences and actions.
3. Old Ways / New Ways
Old Ways:
o Behaviors: Weighs personal happiness over saving her people.
o Emotions: Torn between love and duty.
o Thinking Patterns: Must choose between personal desires and her mission.
New Ways:
o Behaviors: Must she sacrifice personal happiness for a greater cause?
o Emotions: Confident in her abilities.
o Thinking Patterns: Understands the power of sacrifice for the greater good.
Improvement: To further develop the Old Ways and New Ways, ensure that these changes are gradually introduced through pivotal scenes and interactions. Show clear contrasts between Sara's initial hesitations and her later decisiveness, using specific events and decisions to highlight her transformation.
3-Act Structure
Act 1: Setup
• Introduce Sara Amed, her life in Afghanistan relationship with Matt.
• Establish the deadly disease and Sara's scientific aspirations.
• Present the ultimatum from General Ratkin and Sara's dilemma.
• Sara makes the painful decision to leave Matt and marry Ratkin to pursue her PhD.
Act 2: Confrontation
• Sara's struggles in the U.S., adjusts to her new life and research environment.
• The growing political tension as Ratkin prepares his presidential campaign.
• Sara's internal conflict and loneliness, contrasted with progress in her research.
• Key turning points where Sara faces moral and ethical dilemmas.
Act 3: Resolution
• Sara discovers Ratkin's corruption and true intentions.
• Climactic moment where Sara must choose between exposing Ratkin and securing her research.
• Sara successfully develops the cure and exposes Ratkin.
• Sara develops a potential cure which symbolizes her complete transformation.
This detailed breakdown ensures Sara Amed's transformational journey is compelling and aligns with the thriller genre, emphasizing her growth from a conflicted individual to a determined and impactful leader.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Intentional Lead Characters
My vision is to write the best possible fascinating characters.
Doing this assignment I learned to make the characters conform to the Concept guidelines.
Afghan scientist Sara is the Protagonist who needs to get her PhD in the U.S. to find a cure for a disease killing her people including her mother.
Claude: Protagonist: Sara Ahmed
Role: The Afghan scientist at the center of the story’s conflict.
Journey: Sara’s journey is one of sacrifice and moral dilemma. She must choose between her scientific ambitions to find a cure for a deadly disease ravaging her people, and compromising her principles by marrying a man she does not love, who is withdrawing troops from Afghanistan for his own political gain.
Unique: As an Afghan woman in a male-dominated society, Sara’s determination to pursue her scientific goals and her willingness to make difficult choices in the face of impossible circumstances make her a compelling and unique protagonist.
Intentional: Sara’s background as a brilliant scientist and her deep connection to her homeland and its people make her the perfect character to drive this story. Her expertise and passion for finding a cure give her a clear goal, while her cultural ties and moral compass create the internal conflict that propels the drama.
Antagonist: General Ratkin
Role: The U.S. general who withdraws troops from Afghanistan to further his political ambitions, using Sara as a means to an end.
Journey: Ratkin’s journey is one of power and self-interest. He is willing to abandon his military duties and manipulate Sara for his own political gain, seeking the presidency at any cost.
Unique: As a high-ranking military officer with political aspirations, Ratkin represents the intersection of power, ambition, and corruption, making him a formidable and morally compromised antagonist.
Intentional: Ratkin’s position as a general and his decision to withdraw troops from Afghanistan create the central conflict and dilemma for Sara. His selfish motivations and willingness to use Sara as a pawn make him the perfect antagonist to challenge her principles and drive the story's dramatic tension.
Connecting Character: Matt Brown
Role: Sara’s secret lover and Ratkin’s security chief, caught between his loyalty to Ratkin and his love for Sara.
Journey: Matt’s journey is one of divided loyalties and moral choices. He must navigate the dangerous web of deception and conflicting interests between Sara and Ratkin, ultimately deciding where his true allegiances lie.
Unique: As both Sara’s lover and Ratkin’s trusted confidant, Matt occupies a unique position that allows him to witness the conflict from both sides, creating a compelling dramatic triangle.
Intentional: Matt’s dual roles as Sara’s lover and Ratkin’s security chief make him the perfect connecting character. His conflicted loyalties and insider knowledge of both Sara’s and Ratkin’s motivations create tension and drive the story’s dramatic complications.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s title: TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD
Concept: An Afghan scientist must marry a U.S. general, who withdraws U.S. troops from Afghanistan, to help him be elected President; in exchange she gets into a Berkeley PhD program so she can find a cure for a deadly disease ravaging her people.
My Character Structure is Dramatic Triangle.
My vision is to become adept at gathering helpful material from AI enabling me to quickly write great scripts.
Doing this assignment, I learned that if I am precise enough, AI delivers some marvelous ideas.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Intriguing Concept and World
Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to use AI to get down into the layers.
Claude: Here are some ideas to make the concept and intriguing world more interesting and intriguing for a one hour miniseries thriller targeting 18-49 year old males:
Concept (25 words): A disgraced ex-SEAL faces his darkest fears when a ruthless cartel lord abducts his family, forcing an impossible choice – betray his country or lose everything.
Intriguing World: The rugged desert landscapes along the US-Mexico border become a deadly battleground where the lines between patriotism and vengeance blur. An elite military force operating in the shadows finds itself entangled in a high-stakes power struggle against a vicious drug cartel hell-bent on destabilizing the region. In this brutal no-man’s land, loyalty is tested, and the cost of survival may prove too high.
Reasons it could appeal to a TV producer:
• High-concept premise with personal/emotional stakes and a ticking clock
• Explores relevant themes of duty, morality, and the lengths one would go for family
• Gritty, visceral action set in the high-stakes world of cartels and special ops
• Morally ambiguous characters forced into impossible dilemmas
• Blends political/military thriller with family drama for broader appeal
• Topical setting allows exploration of border issues, cartel violence
• Built-in dramatic conflict between dedicated military man and ruthless criminals

[Tom Wilson]

Tom is ready for feedback!
My project is a Thriller but I’m happy to provide Feedback for whatever Genre you write in.
Please send a PDF (or whatever you have) to me at wilsontomj@gmail.com.
I will provide Feedback and send you my material. – Many Thanks!

[Tom Wilson]

Tom is ready for feedback!
My project is a Thriller but I'm happy to provide Feedback for whatever Genre you write in.
Please send a PDF (or whatever you have) to me at wilsontomj@gmail.com.
I will provide Feedback and send you my material. – Many Thanks!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Assignment 1: Tom’s Big Picture Open Loops in his Example Show 24 S1E1 Pilot

· Loud knocking on door in Kuala Lumpur as CIA agent transmits encrypted message. Can he send the message before he’s arrested?

· CIA boss learns the message says: POTUS candidate Davis Palmer is targeted to be murdered.

· Nina calls: Jack must come in now. Why does big boss Walsh want everyone in the office ASAP?

· Jack’s daughter Kim sneaks out. Girlfriend Jan picks her up. They will party with college boys.

· Jack and Teri were separated. Will Teri forgive Jack for having a fling with his coworker Nina?

· Walsh: A domestic hate group hired as Russian assassin to kill Palmer. But why?

· Walsh can trust only Jack to save Palmer. Will he prevent Palmer from getting killed?

· Walsh tells only Jack he has intel that a spy is in their midst. Who could it be?

· Jack forces Agent Mason to tell him the intel source or he’ll squeal Mason’s embezzling money.

· Will Mason get revenge on Jack because he discovered his theft?

· Mason: If Palmer’s elected, their counter terrorism unit is gutted. Will Jack try to save him?

· A car hits Jan. She’s unconscious in the street. Will she live?

· Mandy steals Martin’s photo ID. Blows plane door open. Parachutes out. Blows up plane. Why?

Assignment 2: Open Loops in Tom’s Show Pilot “BORDERTOWN”

· Art’s wife Maria and clairvoyant daughter Maggie are kidnapped. Will he get them back?

· Does Mort the computer whiz who works for him have anything to do with the kidnapping?

· Art gets a message: If he wants his family back, he must trade a top secret missile for them.

· Middle of the night: Art abruptly wakes up. He dreamt his daughter asks him to save her.

· Art inventories Sword missiles. One is missing. Was it stolen by the cartel?

· Art fires a missile into Cobra’s mansion. Sneaks in hoping he didn’t kill Maria or Maggie.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom is ready for Feedback!

Tom has completed the BW Framework

During this Assignment I learned AI is an even more powerful writing assistant than I would have thought possible.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi everyone,

Very motivated to start this exciting class.

I’m Tom Wilson. I have written 3 features. I can’t wait to improve them.

I hope to learn how to use AI effectively to elevate my writing, to increase productivity.

I love learning new technology and applying it to storytelling.

Looking forward to starting new relationships and becoming a better writer.

[Tom Wilson]

1.Tom Wilson

2. “I agree to the terms of this release form.”

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Show Mysteries

Doing this assignment, I learned how to identify Shocking Event Mysteries vs Overtime Mysteries.

Assignment 1 – Example Show

Big Picture Mysteries across the entire Season.

Shocking Event Mystery: Who wants to assassinate David Palmer and why?

Shocking Event: Russian agent Mandi arrives to kill Palmer.

Secret: Mandi downs a passenger 747 to hide her arrival.

Investigation: Jack has Tony check all passenger names aboard the downed 747.

W⁵ and How: Killer Jonathan had plastic surgery to impersonate a photographer taking Palmer’s picture.

Shocking Events:

· Palmer won’t tell wife a reporter will reveal Keith killed the man who raped his sister Nicole. Palmer confronts Keith, who says his dad Palmer of not trusting him.

· Ira kills Dan who kidnapped Kim because he lied about Jan.

· Jonathan had plastic surgery to impersonate Art.

Overtime Mystery, Shocking Event: Dan kidnaps Jack’s daughter Kim.

Secret: Why does he do it? Who does he work for?

Investigation: Kim’s mom Teri and Jan’s dad Alan search for their daughters.

W⁵ and How: Ira pays Dan to kidnap Kim.

Part Withheld: Kim’s kidnapped to blackmail Jack so he won’t stop Palmer’s assassin.

Mandi sets off bomb that crashes 747 then parachutes into the desert.

Jonathan shoots Mandi with sniper rifle he plans to use to kill Palmer.

Assignment 2 – Tom’s Show’ Mysteries

Doing this Assignment, I learned to efficiently summarize my scenes.

Concept =

A Navy weapon designer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican cartel chief and taken into Mexico.

Lead Characters =

Art Frost is a Navy weapons designer

Maria Frost, an ex-CIA agent, is Art’s wife.

El Cobra heads a Mexican drug cartel.

Maggie is Art and Maria’s 10-year-old daughter.

Miguel, a cartel chief, is a secretly heads a rival cartel Mexican family.

Mort, a computer genius, works for Art and makes high tech breakthroughs.

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PROMPT 1: TW: With this TV [Concept] in [Format/Genre], and these [Lead Characters], give me a list of possible mysteries that could be created for Season 1.

Mystery Definition: The intriguing, question, or puzzle that must be solved by the hero, often connected to high stakes and consequences for the main characters.

Format/Genre = One Hour Miniseries / Thriller

Concept =

A Navy weapon designer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican cartel chief and taken into Mexico.

Lead Characters =

Art Frost is a Navy weapons designer

Maria Frost, an ex-CIA agent, is Art’s wife.

Maggie is Art and Maria’s 10-year-old daughter.

Miguel, a cartel chief, is secretly a member of a powerful Mexican family.

Mort, a computer genius, works for Art and makes high tech breakthroughs.

Claude: Here are some possible Season 1 mysteries for this thriller concept:

– Why did the he kidnap Art’s family? Does he want weapons, ransom, or leverage over Art for some reason?

– Is someone inside the Navy working with the cartel? How did they know to target Art’s family?

– What is Maria’s mysterious past connection to the cartel chief or his family? Is this why she was targeted?

– Does the cartel have an inside mole on Art’s team? How do they know details about his top-secret projects?

– Is Art’s genius computer expert Mort secretly working with the cartel too? Or is he being blackmailed?

– What is the real identity of the cartel chief? He’s using an alias – who is he really and why?

– How far will Art go to get his family back? Will he compromise Navy security or go rogue?

– Is Maria keeping secrets about her CIA past from Art? Do those secrets connect to the kidnapping?

– Is Maria really the target instead of Art? Does someone want leverage over her for past CIA missions?

– Is the kidnapping part of a larger cartel plan to smuggle weapons or compromise US security?

PROMPT 2: Claude: I will provide [Mystery 1] and [Mystery 2] for my TV series about [Concept] in [Format/Genre], and these [Lead Characters]. Please create them through [Mystery strategy 1] and [Mystery strategy 2].

Mystery Definition: The intriguing secret, question, or puzzle that must be solved by the hero, often connected to high stakes and consequences for the main characters.

Mystery Strategy 1 = For the opening Shocking Event Mystery, please include:

A. Shocking Event:

B. Secret:

C. Investigation:

Mystery Strategy 2 = For the ongoing Over-Time Mystery, please include:

A. Cover up:

B. Secret:

C. Reveals:

Format/Genre =

Thriller

Concept =

A Navy weapon designer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican cartel chief and taken into Mexico.

Lead Characters =

Art Frost is a Navy weapons designer

Maria, an ex-CIA agent, is Art’s wife.

Angie is Art and Maria’s 10-year-old daughter.

Miguel, a cartel chief, is secretly a member of a powerful Mexican family.

Mort, a computer genius, works for Art and makes high tech breakthroughs.

Mystery 1 =

Mystery 2 =

Here are the two mysteries:

**Mystery 1 – Shocking Event Mystery**

A. Shocking Event: Maria and Angie are kidnapped at the Mexican border.

B. Secret: Miguel is secretly Maria’s brother who she betrayed years ago.

C. Investigation: Art digs into Maria’s past to uncover her link to Miguel.

**Mystery 2 – Over-Time Mystery**

A. Cover Up: Mort hides that he hacked into Art’s secret files for Miguel.

B. Secret: Mort sold designs to Miguel to pay gambling debts.

C. Reveals: Miguel leaked files trace back to Mort. Art finds Mort’s debts.

Let me know if I can modify or expand on any part of these mysteries! I’m happy to keep refining them.

Mystery Strategy 1 = For the opening Shocking Event Mystery, please include:

D. Shocking Event:

E. Secret

F. Investigation:

Mystery = 2

Claude: Here are the two mysteries crafted using the provided strategies:

Mystery 1 – Shocking Event Mystery

A. Shocking Event: Art’s wife and daughter are kidnapped at the Mexican border.

B. Secret: The cartel chief has an inside mole leaking info about Art’s top projects.

C. Investigation: Art investigates his team to uncover the mole feeding the cartel intel.

Mystery 2 – Over-Time Mystery

A. Cover Up: Mort covers up his past cartel connections.

B. Secret: Mort is secretly the cartel chief’s brother.

C. Reveals: Mort’s lies unravel as contacts with his brother increase. Flashbacks fill in their past.

Let me know if you would like me to revise or expand these mystery concepts in any way. I’m happy to keep brainstorming ideas for these thriller mysteries!

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A potential way Maria’s CIA secrets create a Mystery

Here’s a potential way Maria’s CIA secrets could create an intriguing mystery in the thriller show’s first season:

– In her CIA past, Maria was involved in covert operations in Mexico, specifically targeting members of the powerful Valdez family, who have ties to politics, law enforcement, and criminal enterprises.

– She thought her missions against the Valdez family were fully sanctioned by the CIA at the time. But it’s revealed that rogue agents recruited her off-the-books for illegal activities.

– The Valdez family has never forgotten nor forgiven Maria’s past operations that caused them harm. When Leo kidnapped Maria, he revealed he is actually a member of the Valdez family.

– Maria’s kidnapping is actually retaliation for her CIA missions targeting the Valdezes years prior. The family is willing to exchange her and Maggie for information that will take down the CIA agents who illegally coordinated the mission.

– Art is shocked to uncover these revelations about his wife’s past and must grapple with who Maria really is. He also realizes the kidnapping goes deeper than just a cartel crime.

– In order to get his wife & daughter back, Art must now unravel Maria’s connection to the Valdez family and track down the rogue CIA agents who exposed her. But can he trust what Maria tells him?

– This creates escalating danger, paranoia, and high stakes tension as Art races to uncover the truth about Maria’s past and figure out who the real enemy is in the present.

Let me way Maria’s CIA secrets if you need any clarification or have other questions! I’m happy to brainstorm more around this storyline.

Maria’s CIA secrets that could cause problems for Art

Please elaborate on Maria’s CIA secrets that could cause problems for Art.

On Wed, Nov 15, 2023, 1:56 PM Tom Wilson <wilsontomj@gmail.com> wrote:

Here are some potential mystery ideas for the first season of a thriller TV show with that concept and those lead characters:

– The main mystery is who exactly kidnapped Maria and Maggie and why. Art has to uncover if it’s really just the cartel or if there are other powerful players involved.

– There’s an overarching mystery around Leo’s true identity and motivations. It’s revealed he’s part of an influential Mexican family, but his full background and endgame is unclear.

– Maria has secrets from her CIA past that come to light and connect to the current kidnapping situation. Art has to figure out what she was involved in.

– Mort is secretly developing new weapons tech for the government that could be tied to the kidnapping if it got into the wrong hands. Art investigates if Mort is hiding something.

– The kidnappers leave behind clues and puzzles for Art to decipher in order to get his wife and daughter back, creating ongoing mini-mysteries.

– Maggie is revealed to have ESP/special powers which connects to the larger mystery in an unexpected way Art has to unravel.

– The cartel has infiltrators within the US government, and Art receives warnings he can’t fully trust those around him, creating a sense of paranoia.

Let me know if any of those ideas spark your interest or if you need me to elaborate on a specific mystery storyline!

Potential mystery ideas for the first season of a thriller TV show

Here are some potential mystery ideas for the first season of a thriller TV show with that concept and those lead characters:

– The main mystery is who exactly kidnapped Maria and Maggie and why. Art has to uncover if it’s really just the cartel or if there are other powerful players involved.

– There’s an overarching mystery around Leo’s true identity and motivations. It’s revealed he’s part of an influential Mexican family, but his full background and endgame is unclear.

– Maria has secrets from her CIA past that come to light and connect to the current kidnapping situation. Art has to figure out what she was involved in.

– Mort is secretly developing new weapons tech for the government that could be tied to the kidnapping if it got into the wrong hands. Art investigates if Mort is hiding something.

– The kidnappers leave behind clues and puzzles for Art to decipher in order to get his wife and daughter back, creating ongoing mini-mysteries.

– Maggie is revealed to have ESP/special powers which connects to the larger mystery in an unexpected way Art has to unravel.

– The cartel has infiltrators within the US government, and Art receives warnings he can’t fully trust those around him, creating a sense of paranoia.

Let me know if any of those ideas spark your interest or if you need me to elaborate on a specific mystery storyline!

[Tom Wilson]

Tom is ready for Feedback!

Tom has completed the BW Framework

During this Assignment I learned AI is an even more powerful writing assistant than I would have thought possible. Great details. Very articulate.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

I’m writing a TV Series that is [Format/Genre] about [Concept] with [Lead Characters]. Please generate [Plot Layers] and [Character Layers] that could play beneath the surface and revealed in Turning Points or Cliffhangers.

Definition of Layer = A new level of meaning beneath the surface that changes things. It makes us rethink what has happened up to that point and/or causes us to anticipate a new future. You start with a Surface Layer. Then a new layer is revealed. That new layer becomes the new surface. It is what we know as “reality.” When the next layer is revealed, it surprises us, but soon becomes the next new surface.

Genre =
Thriller

Concept =
A Navy officer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican cartel chief who agrees to return his family when the officer, who develops high tech weapons, hands over a top secret missile.

Lead Characters =
Art – Navy officer, a high tech weapons developer at a Navy base whom cartel chief Carlos kidnaps his wife and young daughter and will return them if Art gives him a missile he will use to kill his rival.

Maria – Art’s wife, and ex-CIA agent, who had a secret affair with Carlos.

Carlos – cartel chief who competes with a warring cartel for the drug trade in Mexico.

Alan – Navy computer whiz, hates secretly spying on Art for his uncle Carlos, loves his work for Art.

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ChatGPT: Surface Layer: Art, a dedicated Navy officer, finds his life shattered when his wife Maria and daughter are kidnapped by Carlos, a powerful cartel chief. Carlos demands a top-secret missile in exchange for their safe return. Art, torn between duty and family, begins navigating the dangerous world of cartels and espionage.

Plot Layers:

1. Betrayal Within: Maria’s
   secret affair with Carlos is revealed, adding a layer of betrayal. This
   complicates Art’s mission, forcing him to question his wife’s loyalty and
   grapple with his own emotions.
2. The Double Agent: Alan, a
   seemingly loyal Navy computer whiz, is revealed to be secretly working for
   Carlos. His internal conflict between loyalty to Art and his family ties
   with Carlos creates tension and uncertainty.
3. The Stolen Technology:
   The top-secret missile is not just a weapon; it contains groundbreaking
   technology. As Art delves deeper, he discovers that the missile’s
   capabilities could revolutionize warfare. The true motives behind Carlos’s
   demand become more complex than a simple act of revenge.
4. Power Struggle within the Cartel:
   Carlos’s motives for obtaining the missile are not solely focused on
   revenge against his rival cartel. A power struggle within his own
   organization is unveiled, with betrayals and alliances that complicate
   Art’s mission and threaten the safety of his family.

Character Layers:

1. Maria’s Past: Maria’s
   ex-CIA background comes to light, revealing a history of covert operations
   and the skills that make her a formidable force. Her past connections
   become crucial in navigating the dangerous world of cartels.
2. Alan’s Family Ties:
   Alan’s loyalty to Carlos is driven by family connections, exposing a
   deeper layer of complexity. His internal struggle intensifies as he
   grapples with conflicting allegiances and the fear of endangering his
   loved ones.
3. Carlos’s Personal Vendetta:
   Carlos’s rivalry with the other cartel is not just about business; it’s
   personal. A tragic event from his past is unveiled, explaining the
   deep-seated animosity and the lengths he’s willing to go to settle the
   score.
4. Art’s Ethical Dilemma:
   As Art uncovers the potential consequences of the stolen technology, he
   faces an ethical dilemma. The missile could bring cause great harm if
   misused. Art must decide between fulfilling Carlos’s demand, and
   preventing a potential global catastrophe.

[Tom Wilson]

Assignment 1: Tom’s Plot and Character Layers

Doing this assignment, I learned the difference between Plot and Character Layers.

Here are Layers I discovered in my Example Show “24” (2001) TV Pilot:

Plot Layers:

Layer 1: Daniel kidnaps Kim and Jamey. Jamey runs and gets hit by a car. They take her to a hospital.

Layer 2: Ira kills Daniel because he lied when he told him that Jamey was dead.

Layer 3: Jack’s boss Walsh is killed because he discovered the plot to assassinate Palmer.

Character Layers:

Layer 1: Jack’s boss Walsh trusts only him to stop Presidential candidate Palmer from being assassinated.

Layer 2: Nina tells husband Jack, “We shouldn’t have,” referring to Jack’s extra-marital affair with her.

Layer 3: Jack’s daughter Kim sneaks out of the house. Girlfriend Jamey intros her to her blind date.

Layer 4: Jack blackmails Mason because he embezzled $200K from a CIA fund.

Assignment 2: Tom’s Plot and Character Layers

Discover the layers that could exist in Tom’s new TV Pilot, “BORDER TOWN”

Genre =
Thriller

Concept =
A Navy officer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican cartel chief who agrees to return his family when the officer hands over a top secret missile.

PLOT LAYERS – Story beneath the story. (Without AI)

Plot Surface: Art’s daughter thought she was on vacation, instead she and her mother were kidnapped.

Layer 1: The officer recruits three Navy men to help him rescue his wife and daughter.

Layer 2: Art must trade a missile to the cartel chief if he’s to get back his kidnapped wife and daughter.

Layer 3: Mystery revealed – When Art’s wife and child were kidnapped to prevent Jack from protecting Palmer.

Layer 4: Story appears to be about kidnapping. It’s really to prevent Jack from protecting Palmer.

Layer 5: Major shift in Meaning – Art can’t report his wife and daughter missing because he will.

CHARACTER LAYERS – Identity beneath the identity.

Layer 1: Secret identity – Because Art lied about being a U.S. citizen, he could be dishonorably discharged.

Layer 2: Character intrigue – Navy computer whiz Alan secretly spies on Art for the cartel.

Layer 3: Hidden relationships and conspiracies – Art’s wife had a secret liaison with the cartel chief.

Layer 4: Hidden Character history – Navy chief Dixon secretly steals and sells Navy equipment to cartel thugs.

Layer 5: Major shift in Meaning – Art can’t report wife and daughter missing or he will found not to be a US citizen.

Layer 6: Hidden history – Navy computer whiz Alan — secretly the cartel leader’s nephew — spies on Art.

TW: I’m writing a TV Series that is [Format/Genre] about [Concept] with [Lead Characters]. Please generate [Plot Layers] and [Character Layers] that could play beneath the surface and revealed in Turning Points or Cliffhangers.

Definition of Layer = A new level of meaning beneath the surface that changes things. It makes us rethink what has happened up to that point and/or causes us to anticipate a new future. You start with a Surface Layer. Then a new layer is revealed. That new layer becomes the new surface. It is what we know as “reality.” When the next layer is revealed, it surprises us, but soon becomes the next new surface.

Genre =
Thriller

Concept =
A Navy officer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican cartel chief who agrees to return his family when the officer, who develops high tech weapons, hands over a top secret missile.

Lead Characters =
Art – Navy officer, a high tech weapons developer at a Navy base whom cartel chief Carlos kidnaps his wife and young daughter and will return them if Art gives him a missile he will use to kill his rival.

Maria – Art’s wife, and ex-CIA agent, who had a secret affair with Carlos.

Carlos – cartel chief who competes with a warring cartel for the drug trade in Mexico.

Alan – Navy computer whiz, hates secretly spying on Art for his uncle Carlos, loves his work for Art.

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ChatGPT: Surface Layer: Art, a dedicated Navy officer, finds his life shattered when his wife Maria and daughter are kidnapped by Carlos, a powerful cartel chief. Carlos demands a top-secret missile in exchange for their safe return. Art, torn between duty and family, begins navigating the dangerous world of cartels and espionage.

Plot Layers:

1. Betrayal Within: Maria’s secret affair with Carlos is revealed, adding
   a layer of betrayal. This complicates Art’s mission, forcing him to
   question his wife’s loyalty and grapple with his own emotions.
2. The Double Agent: Alan, a seemingly loyal Navy computer whiz, is
   revealed to be secretly working for Carlos. His internal conflict between
   loyalty to Art and his family ties with Carlos creates tension and
   uncertainty.
3. The Stolen Technology: The top-secret missile is not just a weapon; it
   contains groundbreaking technology. As Art delves deeper, he discovers
   that the missile’s capabilities could revolutionize warfare. The true
   motives behind Carlos’s demand become more complex than a simple act of
   revenge.
4. Power Struggle within the
   Cartel: Carlos’s motives for obtaining
   the missile are not solely focused on revenge against his rival cartel. A
   power struggle within his own organization is unveiled, with betrayals and
   alliances that complicate Art’s mission and threaten the safety of his family.

Character Layers:

1. Maria’s Past: Maria’s ex-CIA background comes to light, revealing a
   history of covert operations and the skills that make her a formidable
   force. Her past connections become crucial in navigating the dangerous
   world of cartels.
2. Alan’s Family Ties: Alan’s loyalty to Carlos is driven by family
   connections, exposing a deeper layer of complexity. His internal struggle
   intensifies as he grapples with conflicting allegiances and the fear of
   endangering his loved ones.
3. Carlos’s Personal
   Vendetta: Carlos’s rivalry with the
   other cartel is not just about business; it’s personal. A tragic event
   from his past is unveiled, explaining the deep-seated animosity and the
   lengths he’s willing to go to settle the score.
4. Art’s Ethical Dilemma: As Art uncovers the potential consequences of the
   stolen technology, he faces an ethical dilemma. The missile could bring cause
   great harm if misused. Art must decide between fulfilling Carlos’s demand,
   and preventing a potential global catastrophe.

These layers of complexity add depth to the characters and plot, creating turning points and cliffhangers that keep the audience engaged, constantly reevaluating their perceptions of the story.

[Tom Wilson]

TW: I’m writing a screenplay. I will present a [character profile] for my TV series that is [Format/genre] about [concept]. Please read it and convert these bullets below each name into a paragraph with no more than two short sentences (2 to 10 words) that get to the essence of each character. Please focus on what makes the character the most interesting, intriguing, complex and fits the concept and genre.

Format/genre = Thriller

Concept =

A Navy officer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican cartel chief who will return them when the officer gives him a top secret missile.

Character profile =

Lt. Commander Art Frost

· Core traits: Double agent, conflicted loyalties

· Driving force: Protect his family and his secret identity

· Inner struggle: Guilt over betraying his country and fear of his family’s safety

· Character arc: Must make a choice that will determine his fate as a double agent and a family man

Maria Frost

· Core traits: Former intelligence officer, protective mother, haunted by past mistakes

· Driving force: Keep her daughter safe and hide the truth about her paternity

· Inner struggle: Reconciling her past with the present, managing her feelings for Carlos

· Character arc: Must confront her past and make amends, potentially exposing her daughter’s secret.

Lt. Commander Mike Hawthorne

· Core traits: Ambitious, morally compromised, driven by family obligations

· Driving force: Advance his career and secure financial stability for his family

· Inner struggle: Justifying his actions as necessary evils while dealing with the guilt of his betrayals

· Character arc: Will pursuing his family’s well-being be his downfall or will he redeem himself?

Cartel Chief Carlos:

· Flaw: Sells high-tech weapons to Iran. Power-hungry, ruthless,

· Secret: Fathered Maria’s daughter. Balancing his lust for Maria with his desire for the high-tech missile.

· Action: Kidnapped Maria and daughter.

· Motivation: Return Art’s family in exchange for Art’s high tech missile.

· Inner struggle: Balancing his lust for Maria with his desire for the high-tech missile.

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Bard: Sure, here is a condensed version of each character profile:

· Lt. Commander Art Frost:

· A double agent torn between loyalty to his country and his family, Art Frost grapples with the guilt of his actions while desperately trying to protect his loved ones. His character arc centers on the agonizing choice he must make to preserve his family and his secret identity.

· Maria Frost:

· A former intelligence officer haunted by past mistakes, Maria Frost is fiercely protective of her daughter and determined to shield her from the truth of her paternity. Her character arc revolves around confronting her past and making amends, even if it means exposing her daughter’s secret.

· Lt. Commander Mike Hawthorne:

· Driven by ambition and family obligations, Lt. Commander Mike Hawthorne justifies his morally compromised actions as necessary evils. His character arc explores whether his pursuit of success and family security will lead to his downfall or redemption.

· Cartel Chief Carlos:

· A power-hungry and ruthless cartel chief, Carlos fuels his illicit activities with a lust for control. His secret connection to Maria’s daughter adds a complex layer to his character, as he kidnaps Maria and her daughter in a calculated move to acquire a top-secret missile. His inner struggle lies in balancing his desire for Maria with his relentless pursuit of power.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Show Mysteries

Doing this assignment, I learned how to identify Shocking Event Mysteries vs Overtime Mysteries.

Assignment 1 – Example Show

Big Picture Mysteries across the entire Season.

Shocking Event Mystery: Who wants to assassinate David Palmer and why?

Shocking Event: Russian agent Mandi arrives to kill Palmer.

Secret: Mandi downs a passenger 747 to hide her arrival.

Investigation: Jack has Tony check all passenger names aboard the downed 747.

W⁵ and How: Killer Jonathan had plastic surgery to impersonate a photographer taking Palmer’s picture.

Shocking Events:

· Palmer won’t tell wife a reporter will reveal Keith killed the man who raped his sister Nicole. Palmer confronts Keith, who says his dad Palmer of not trusting him.

· Ira kills Dan who kidnapped Kim because he lied about Jan.

· Jonathan had plastic surgery to impersonate Marty

Overtime Mystery, Shocking Event: Dan kidnaps Jack’s daughter Kim.

Secret: Why does he do it? Who does he work for?

Investigation: Kim’s mom Teri and Jan’s dad Alan search for their daughters.

W⁵ and How: Ira pays Dan to kidnap Kim.

Part Withheld: Kim’s kidnapped to blackmail Jack so he won’t stop Palmer’s assassin.

Mandi sets off bomb that crashes 747 then parachutes into the desert.

Jonathan shoots Mandi with sniper rifle he plans to use to kill Palmer.

Assignment 2 – Tom’s Show’ Mysteries

Doing this Assignment, I learned to efficiently summarize my scenes.

Concept =

A Navy weapons designer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican drug cartel chief on the Mexican border.

Lead Characters =

Marty Hawk is a Navy weapons designer

Marie, an ex-CIA agent, is Marty’s wife.

Angie is Marty and Marie’s 10-year-old daughter.

Miguel, a cartel chief, is secretly a member of a powerful Mexican family.

Albert, a computer genius, works for Marty and makes high tech breakthroughs.

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PROMPT 1: TW: With this TV [Concept] in [Format/Genre], and these [Lead Characters], give me a list of possible mysteries that could be created for Season 1.

Mystery Definition: The intriguing, question, or puzzle that must be solved by the hero, often connected to high stakes and consequences for the main characters.

Format/Genre = Thriller

Concept =

A Navy weapons designer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican drug cartel chief on the Mexican border.

Lead Characters =

Marty Hawk is a Navy weapons designer

Marie, an ex-CIA agent, is Marty’s wife.

Angie is Marty and Marie’s 10-year-old daughter.

Miguel, a cartel chief, is secretly a member of a powerful Mexican family.

Albert, a computer genius, works for Marty and makes high tech breakthroughs.

Claude: Here are some possible season 1 mysteries for this thriller concept:

– Why did the he kidnap Marty’s family? Does he want weapons, ransom, or leverage over Marty for another reason?

– Is someone inside the Navy working with the cartel? How did they know to target Marty’s family?

– What is Marie’s mysterious past connection to the cartel chief or his family? Is this why she was targeted?

– Does the cartel have an inside mole on Marty’s team? How do they know details about his top-secret projects?

– Is Marty’s genius computer expert Albert secretly working with the cartel too? Or is he being blackmailed?

– What is the real identity of the cartel chief? He’s using an alias – who is he really and why?

– How far will Marty go to get his family back? Will he compromise Navy security or go rogue?

– Is Marie keeping secrets about her CIA past from Marty? Do those secrets connect to the kidnapping?

– Is Marie really the target instead of Marty? Does someone want leverage over her for past CIA missions?

– Is the kidnapping part of a larger cartel plan to smuggle weapons or compromise US security?

PROMPT 2: Claude: I will provide [Mystery 1] and [Mystery 2] for my TV series about [Concept] in [Format/Genre], and these [Lead Characters]. Please create them through [Mystery strategy 1] and [Mystery strategy 2].

Mystery Definition: The intriguing secret, question, or puzzle that must be solved by the hero, often connected to high stakes and consequences for the main characters.

Mystery Strategy 1 = For the opening Shocking Event Mystery, please include:

A. Shocking Event:

B. Secret:

C. Investigation:

Mystery Strategy 2 = For the ongoing Over-Time Mystery, please include:

A. Cover up:

B. Secret:

C. Reveals:

Format/Genre =

Thriller

Concept =

A Navy weapons designer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican drug cartel chief on the Mexican border.

Lead Characters =

Marty Hawk is a Navy weapons designer

Marie, an ex-CIA agent, is Marty’s wife.

Angie is Marty and Marie’s 10-year-old daughter.

Miguel, a cartel chief, is secretly a member of a powerful Mexican family.

Albert, a computer genius, works for Marty and makes high tech breakthroughs.

Mystery 1 =

Mystery 2 =

Here are the two mysteries:

**Mystery 1 – Shocking Event Mystery**

A. Shocking Event: Marie and Angie are kidnapped at the Mexican border.

B. Secret: Miguel is secretly Marie’s brother who she betrayed years ago.

C. Investigation: Marty digs into Marie’s past to uncover her link to Miguel.

**Mystery 2 – Over-Time Mystery**

A. Cover Up: Albert hides that he hacked into Marty’s secret files for Miguel.

B. Secret: Albert sold designs to Miguel to pay gambling debts.

C. Reveals: Miguel leaked files trace back to Albert. Marty finds Albert’s debts.

Let me know if I can modify or expand on any part of these mysteries! I’m happy to keep refining them.

Mystery Strategy 1 = For the opening Shocking Event Mystery, please include:

D. Shocking Event:

E. Secret

F. Investigation:

Mystery = 2

Claude: Here are the two mysteries crafted using the provided strategies:

Mystery 1 – Shocking Event Mystery

A. Shocking Event: Marty’s wife and daughter are kidnapped at the Mexican border.

B. Secret: The cartel chief has an inside mole leaking info about Marty’s top projects.

C. Investigation: Marty investigates his team to uncover the mole feeding the cartel intel.

Mystery 2 – Over-Time Mystery

A. Cover Up: Albert covers up his past cartel connections.

B. Secret: Albert is secretly the cartel chief’s brother.

C. Reveals: Albert’s lies unravel as contacts with his brother increase. Flashbacks fill in their past.

Let me know if you would like me to revise or expand these mystery concepts in any way. I’m happy to keep brainstorming ideas for these thriller mysteries!

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A potential way Marie’s CIA secrets create a Mystery

Here’s a potential way Marie’s CIA secrets could create an intriguing mystery in the thriller show’s first season:

– In her CIA past, Marie was involved in covert operations in Mexico, specifically targeting members of the powerful Valdez family, who have ties to politics, law enforcement, and criminal enterprises.

– She thought her missions against the Valdez family were fully sanctioned by the CIA at the time. But it’s revealed that rogue agents recruited her off-the-books for illegal activities.

– The Valdez family has never forgotten nor forgiven Marie’s past operations that caused them harm. When Leo kidnapped Marie, he revealed he is actually a member of the Valdez family.

– Marie’s kidnapping is actually retaliation for her CIA missions targeting the Valdezes years prior. The family is willing to exchange her and Maggie for information that will take down the CIA agents who illegally coordinated the mission.

– Marty is shocked to uncover these revelations about his wife’s past and must grapple with who Marie really is. He also realizes the kidnapping goes deeper than just a cartel crime.

– In order to get his wife & daughter back, Marty must now unravel Marie’s connection to the Valdez family and track down the rogue CIA agents who exposed her. But can he trust what Marie tells him?

– This creates escalating danger, paranoia, and high stakes tension as Marty races to uncover the truth about Marie’s past and figure out who the real enemy is in the present.

Let me way Marie’s CIA secrets if you need any clarification or have other questions! I’m happy to brainstorm more around this storyline.

———————-

Marie’s CIA secrets that could cause problems for Marty

Please elaborate on Marie’s CIA secrets that could cause problems for Marty.

On Wed, Nov 15, 2023, 1:56 PM Tom Wilson <wilsontomj@gmail.com> wrote:

Here are some potential mystery ideas for the first season of a thriller TV show with that concept and those lead characters:

– The main mystery is who exactly kidnapped Marie and Maggie and why. Marty has to uncover if it’s really just the cartel or if there are other powerful players involved.

– There’s an overarching mystery around Leo’s true identity and motivations. It’s revealed he’s part of an influential Mexican family, but his full background and endgame is unclear.

– Marie has secrets from her CIA past that come to light and connect to the current kidnapping situation. Marty has to figure out what she was involved in.

– Albert is secretly developing new weapons tech for the government that could be tied to the kidnapping if it got into the wrong hands. Marty investigates if Albert is hiding something.

– The kidnappers leave behind clues and puzzles for Marty to decipher in order to get his wife and daughter back, creating ongoing mini-mysteries.

– Maggie is revealed to have ESP/special powers which connects to the larger mystery in an unexpected way Marty has to unravel.

– The cartel has infiltrators within the US government, and Marty receives warnings he can’t fully trust those around him, creating a sense of paranoia.

Let me know if any of those ideas spark your interest or if you need me to elaborate on a specific mystery storyline!

Potential mystery ideas for the first season of a thriller TV show

Here are some potential mystery ideas for the first season of a thriller TV show with that concept and those lead characters:

– The main mystery is who exactly kidnapped Marie and Maggie and why. Marty has to uncover if it’s really just the cartel or if there are other powerful players involved.

– There’s an overarching mystery around Leo’s true identity and motivations. It’s revealed he’s part of an influential Mexican family, but his full background and endgame is unclear.

– Marie has secrets from her CIA past that come to light and connect to the current kidnapping situation. Marty has to figure out what she was involved in.

– Albert is secretly developing new weapons tech for the government that could be tied to the kidnapping if it got into the wrong hands. Marty investigates if Albert is hiding something.

– The kidnappers leave behind clues and puzzles for Marty to decipher in order to get his wife and daughter back, creating ongoing mini-mysteries.

– Maggie is revealed to have ESP/special powers which connects to the larger mystery in an unexpected way Marty has to unravel.

– The cartel has infiltrators within the US government, and Marty receives warnings he can’t fully trust those around him, creating a sense of paranoia.

Let me know if any of those ideas spark your interest or if you need me to elaborate on a specific mystery storyline!

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Big Picture Open Loops
in his Example Show 24 (2001) “12 am to 1 am” S1E1 Pilot

· Loud knocking on door in Kuala Lumpur as CIA agent transmits encrypted message. Will he be arrested before he can send the message before he’s arrested?

Assignment 1: Open Loops in Example Show “24” Pilot

1. CIA boss learns the message says Presidential candidate Davis Palmer is targeted to be murdered.

2. Nina calls: Jack must come in now. Why does big boss Walsh want everyone in the office ASAP?

3. Jack’s daughter Kim sneaks out. Girlfriend Jan picks her up. They will party with college boys.

4. Jack and Teri were separated. Will Teri forgive Jack for having a fling with his coworker Nina?

5. Walsh: A domestic hate group hired as Russian assassin to kill Palmer. But why?

6. Walsh can trust only Jack to save Palmer. Will he prevent Palmer from getting killed?

7. Walsh tells only Jack he has intel that a spy is in their midst. Who could it be?

8. Jack forces Agent Mason to tell him the intel source or he’ll squeal on Mason’s embezzling money.

9. Will Mason get revenge on Jack because he discovered his theft?

10. Mason: If Palmer’s elected, their counter-terrorism unit will be gutted. Will Jack still try to save him?

11. A car hits Jan. She’s unconscious in the street. Will she live?

12. Mandy steals Martin’s photo ID. Blows plane door open. Parachutes out. Blows up plane. Why?

Assignment 2: Open Loops in Tom’s Show Pilot

1. Marty’s wife Maria and clairvoyant daughter Maggie are kidnapped. Will he ever get them back?

2. Does X the computer whiz who works for him have anything to do with the kidnapping?

3. Marty gets a message: If he wants them back, he must pay for their return with a Sword missile.

4. Middle of the night: Marty abruptly wakes up. He just dreamt his daughter asks him to save her.

5. Marty inventories Sword missiles. One is missing. Was it stolen by the cartel?

6. Marty fires a missile into Carlos mansion. Sneaks in hoping he didn’t kill Jean or Maggie.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Big Picture Open Loops in his Example Show 24 (2001) “12 am to 1 am” S1E1 Pilot

Loud knocking on door in Kuala Lumpur as CIA agent transmits encrypted message. Will he send the message before he’s arrested?

Assignment 1: Open Loops in Example Show “24” Pilot

1. CIA boss learns the message says Presidential candidate Davis Palmer is targeted to be murdered.

2. Nina calls: Jack must come in now. Why does big boss Walsh want everyone in the office ASAP?

3. Jack’s daughter Kim sneaks out. Girlfriend Jan picks her up. They will party with college boys.

4. Jack and Teri were separated. Will Teri forgive Jack for having a fling with his coworker Nina?

5. Walsh: A domestic hate group hired as Russian assassin to kill Palmer. But why?

6. Walsh can trust only Jack to save Palmer. Will he prevent Palmer from getting killed?

7. Walsh tells only Jack he has intel that a spy is in their midst. Who could it be?

8. Jack forces Agent Mason to tell him the intel source or he’ll squeal on Mason’s embezzling money.

9. Will Mason get revenge on Jack because he discovered his theft?

10. Mason: If Palmer’s elected, their counterterrorism unit will be gutted. Will Jack still try to save him?

11. A car hits Jan. She’s unconscious in the street. Will she live?

12. Mandy steals Martin’s photo ID. Blows plane door open. Parachutes out. Blows up plane. Why?

Assignment 2: Open Loops in Tom’s Show Pilot

1. Marty’s wife Jean and clairvoyant daughter Milly are kidnapped. Will he ever get them back?

2. Does X the computer whiz who works for him have anything to do with the kidnapping?

3. Marty gets a message: If he wants them back, he must pay for their return with a Sword missile.

4. Middle of the night: Marty abruptly wakes up. He just dreamt his daughter asks him to save her.

5. Marty inventories Sword missiles. One is missing. Was it stolen by the cartel?

6. Marty fires a missile into Cartel Chief’s mansion. He sneaks in hoping he didn’t kill Jean or Milly.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Laree:

I just clicked on REPLY in NEW LESSON 7. It whited out.

[Tom Wilson]

ASSIGNMENT 1

Tom’s Example Show 24 (2001) TV Series

A. Undeserved Misfortune:

· Because Jack testified against three corrupt coworkers, his colleagues don’t trust him.

B. Exterior Character Conflicts:

· Intentional – Mike designs weapons superior to enemies’ weapons.

· Unintentional – Because co-workers know about their affair, they don’t respect Mike and Nina

A. Plot Intruding on Life – Jack’s daughter Kim is kidnapped.

B. Moral Dilemmas – Jack must discover what caused an airliner with 300 people onboard to crash, or help his wife search for their kidnapped daughter.

C. Forced Decisions they’d never make – Jack must not report Mason’s stealing $200K because he needs his help to find a source who knows who sabotaged the airliner.

1. Watch the next episode of your Example Show and focus on the Empathy/Distress that shows up in this episode and throughout the season so far.

2. Notice the difference between Big Picture Empathy/Distress and detail-oriented Empathy/Distress. Big Picture will have an impact across multiple episodes. Deadline: 24 hours

ASSIGNMENT 2

1. List BIG PICTURE difficult situations & decisions your characters could make because of the main conflict of this series. Ask yourself: “Knowing the concept, what big picture Empathy/Distress situations could occur?”

Mike

Distress:

1. Undeserved Misfortune: Mike can’t read a ransom note because it was burned up.

2. External Character Conflicts:

3. Plot Intruding on Life: Neighbors call the cops when Mike makes noise working at home late at night.

4. Moral Dilemmas: Must finish weapon on time or go undercover in Mexico to find his wife and daughter.

5. Forced Decisions they’d never make: Police anti-hacker squad want him to squeal on hacker buddies.

Empathy:

1. Put the character in distress: If Maria tries to escape, she endangers his daughter’s life; if she doesn’t try to escape, they will be killed at any moment.

2. Make them relatable: A Navy pal confesses he lied when he joined up, said he was born in the U.S. Mike sympathizes, won’t turn him in because he did the same thing.

3. Universal experiences that are emotional: The audience empathizes with Mike’s stressful problems.

Maria

Distress:

1. Undeserved Misfortune: Maria and her daughter are threatened with rape unless they behave.

2. External Character Conflicts: Mike must lie to his boss when he searches for his wife and daughter.

3. Plot Intruding on Life: Kidnapper calls, asks Mike to trade secret weapon for his wife and daughter

4. Moral Dilemmas: Hard for her to appear positive so her daughter won’t be scared.

5. Forced Decisions they’d never make: Maria would never admit to her daughter that she’s autistic.

Empathy:

1. Put the character in distress: If Maria tries to escape, she endangers his daughter’s life; if she doesn’t, they will be killed.

2. Make them relatable: She fights with the other prisoners to get enough food to feed her daughter.

3. Universal experiences that are emotional: Her daughter feels it’s her fault they were kidnapped.

TW: I’m going to provide my TV series [Format/Genre], [concept], and [conflict]. Can you give me ways to create [distress] and [empathy] for each of my [lead characters]? Please be detailed and provide unique and specific answers for each character in short sentences that are precise.

Distress =

A. Undeserved misfortune.

B. External Character conflicts.
C. Plot intruding on life.
D. Moral dilemmas.
E. Forced decisions they’d never make.

Empathy =

A. Put them in distress.

B. Make them relatable.

C. Universal experiences that are emotional.

Format/Genre =

Concept =

Conflict =

Lead Characters =

Marty, a Navy officer who’s wife and daughter were kidnapped, must rescue them.

[Tom Wilson]

Assignment 1 Tom’s “24” Example Show Relationship Map

Doing this assignment, I learned AI provides surprisingly good material among extraneous stuff.

Relationship Map of my Example show “24”:

Jack———————-Nina———————Teri—————————— Tony

Surface——————- Employee, Ex-lover——–Wife————————— Employee, computer whiz

Common Ground———Smart, strategic———–Married, parents—————-Decrypts terrorist messages

Conflict ——————Had an affair ————–Ashamed he cheated on her—-Spies on Jack for Jack’s boss

History ——————-Spent weekend together –Will they stay married?———Tips Mason that Jack screws up

Subtext ——————-Work well together ——-Doesn’t trust him ————– Dislike each other but work together

Relationship Arc ———-Not close to closer —— Distrusts him but uniting ——–Work together, no longer close

Assignment 2 Tom’s Show BORDER TOWN – Mike’s relationship with three other main characters.

Mike relationship with Bridget:

Surface – Employee, ex-lover

Common Ground – Smart, strategic

Conflict – They had an affair; co-workers found out

History – They were lovers for a weekend

Subtext – Adjusting to being only co-workers

Relationship Arc – They return to working well together

Mike relationship with Maria:

Surface – Wife

Common Ground – Married, one daughter

Conflict – Desperately wants to reunite with her and daughter Dora

History – Due to Mike’s affair, unsure if they’ll stay married

Subtext – He moved back in; she doesn’t trust him 100%

Relationship Arc – From totally apart to much closer together

Mike relationship with Alan:

Surface – Employee, computer whiz

Common Ground – He monitors terrorist computer threats

Conflict – Spies on Mike for Pentagon boss; In love triangle with Mike and Bridget

History – Squeals on Mike to O’Neill

Subtext – Remain professional co-workers

Relationship Arc – They return to working well together

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Assignment 1

Tom’s Character Emotions

Doing this assignment, I learned to work faster knowing it doesn’t have to be perfect.

Example TV Pilot “24” Emotional Profiles:

Jack Bauer Profile

Hope: Get back together with his wife and daughter / Fear: His wife will remain unsympathetic to him

Motivation. Want: Have a happy home life again. / Need: Prove he’s a faithful husband.

Mask. Base Negative Emotion: Has feelings for Teri and Nina. / Public Mask: Faithful family man

Weaknesses: Strong attraction to Nina

Triggers: Suspicious actions of co-workers

Coping Mechanism: Expecting total loyalty from co-workers

Nina Bauer Profile

Hope: Jack will leave his wife to be with her.

Fear: Jack uses her for occasional flings, will never dump his wife to be with her

Motivation. Want: Jack / Need: An unmarried man who is solely devoted to her

Mask. Base Negative Emotion: In love with Jack, frustrated she can’t have him. / Public Mask: a professional

Weaknesses: Helpless to get what she wants

Triggers: Men treat her as a object

Coping Mechanism: Expecting being well behaved to get her what she wants

Mandy Profile

Hope: A future with Bridget / Fear: Greedy Bridget will get them both killed

Want: To kill Presidential Candidate Palmer / Need: To learn killing is wrong

Base Negative Emotion: Anger when things don’t go her way / Public Mask: In control

Weaknesses: Hates taking orders from stupid men

Triggers: Men telling her how to do her job

Coping Mechanism: Meditation

Assignment 2

Tom’s TV Pilot “BORDER TOWN” Emotional Profiles:

Lt. Commander Martin Fletcher

Hope: Recover his wife who was kidnapped. / Fear: She wants to stay with her kidnapper.

Want: To be promoted to Admiral / Need: Be satisfied with being the best he can

Base Negative Emotion: Helpless to control his destiny Public Mask: In control

Weaknesses: Too easy going with his subordinates

Triggers: Competition

Coping Mechanism: Drinks too much

Lt. Commander Art Hawthorne

Hope: To deserve more budget than Martin does / Fear: His division will get a bad inspection grade

Want: Professional recognition / Need: To marry a woman who loves him

Base Negative Emotion: Rage / Public Mask: Pleasant disposition

Weaknesses: he feels inferior

Triggers: insubordination from his men

Coping Mechanism: Over training his men

Maria Fletcher

Hope: To return to the U.S. with her daughter / Fear: Cartel leader won’t let her return

Want: A normal family life / Need: To love and be loved by her family

Base Negative Emotion: Frustration / Public Mask: Always in control

Weaknesses: Flashy possessions

Triggers: Her husband’s impatience

Coping Mechanism: Dresses in too young styles

Claude: For each of the [main characters] for this [genre] about this [concept], please brainstorm the [Internal Struggles] of that character that fit this TV series well.

Genre = Thriller

Concept =

When an officer’s wife is kidnapped and taken to Mexico, he goes undercover to bring her home.

Main Characters =

Lt. Commander Martin Fletcher

Hope: Recover his wife who was kidnapped. / Fear: She wants to stay with her kidnapper.

Want: To be promoted to Admiral / Need: Be satisfied with being the best he can

Base Negative Emotion: Helpless to control his destiny Public Mask: In control

Weaknesses: Too easy going with his subordinates

Triggers: Competition

Coping Mechanism: Drinks too much

Lt. Commander Art Hawthorne

Hope: To deserve more budget than Martin does / Fear: His division will get a bad inspection grade

Want: Professional recognition / Need: To marry a woman who loves him

Base Negative Emotion: Rage / Public Mask: Pleasant disposition

Weaknesses: he feels inferior

Triggers: insubordination from his men

Coping Mechanism: Over training his men

Maria Fletcher

Hope: To return to the U.S. with her daughter / Fear: Cartel leader won’t let her return

Want: A normal family life / Need: To love and be loved by her family

Base Negative Emotion: Frustration / Public Mask: Always in control

Weaknesses: Flashy possessions

Triggers: Her husband’s impatience

Coping Mechanism: Dresses in too young styles

Claude: Here are some possible internal struggles for the thriller characters:

Lt. Commander Martin Fletcher

· Struggles between doing his duty and saving his wife.

· Fears he is losing connection with his kidnapped wife.

· Worries he can’t control the mission to recover his wife.

Lt. Commander Art Hawthorne

· Struggles with jealousy of Fletcher’s position and acclaim.

· Fears his rushed training methods will fail his men in the field.

· Worries he will never measure up to Fletcher’s accomplishments.

Maria Fletcher

· Struggles to protect her daughter while planning their escape.

· Fears she is falling for her charming kidnapper.

· Worries her husband will be killed trying to rescue her.

[Tom Wilson]

Discover the layers that could exist in my new TV Pilot, “BORDER TOWN”

Genre =
Thriller

Concept =
A Navy officer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican cartel chief who agrees to return his family when the officer hands over a top secret missile.

PLOT LAYERS – Story beneath the story. (Without AI)

Plot Surface: Art’s daughter thought she was on vacation, instead she and her mother were kidnapped.

Layer 1: The officer recruits three Navy men to help him rescue his wife and daughter.

Layer 2: Art must trade a missile to the cartel chief if he’s to get back his kidnapped wife and daughter.

Layer 3: Mystery revealed – When Art’s wife and child were kidnapped to prevent Jack from protecting Palmer.

Layer 4: Story appears to be about kidnapping. It’s really to prevent Jack from protecting Palmer.

Layer 5: Major shift in Meaning – Art can’t report his wife and daughter missing because he will.

CHARACTER LAYERS – Identity beneath the identity.

Layer 1: Secret identity – Because Art lied about being a U.S. citizen, he could be dishonorably discharged.

Layer 2: Character intrigue – Navy computer whiz Alan secretly spies on Art for the cartel.

Layer 3: Hidden relationships and conspiracies – Art’s wife had a secret liaison with the cartel chief.

Layer 4: Hidden Character history – Navy chief Dixon secretly steals and sells Navy equipment to cartel thugs.

Layer 5: Major shift in Meaning – Art can’t report wife and daughter missing or he will found not to be a US citizen.

Layer 6: Hidden history – Navy computer whiz Alan — secretly the cartel leader’s nephew — spies on Art.

TW: I’m writing a TV Series that is [Format/Genre] about [Concept] with [Lead Characters]. Please generate [Plot Layers] and [Character Layers] that could play beneath the surface and revealed in Turning Points or Cliffhangers.

Definition of Layer = A new level of meaning beneath the surface that changes things. It makes us rethink what has happened up to that point and/or causes us to anticipate a new future. You start with a Surface Layer. Then a new layer is revealed. That new layer becomes the new surface. It is what we know as “reality.” When the next layer is revealed, it surprises us, but soon becomes the next new surface.

Genre =
Thriller

Concept =
A Navy officer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican cartel chief who agrees to return his family when the officer, who develops high tech weapons, hands over a top secret missile.

Lead Characters =
Art – Navy officer, a high tech weapons developer at a Navy base whom cartel chief Carlos kidnaps his wife and young daughter and will return them if Art gives him a missile he will use to kill his rival.

Maria – Art’s wife, and ex-CIA agent, who had a secret affair with Carlos.

Carlos – cartel chief who competes with a warring cartel for the drug trade in Mexico.

Alan – Navy computer whiz, hates secretly spying on Art for his uncle Carlos, loves his work for Art.

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ChatGPT: Surface Layer: Art, a dedicated Navy officer, finds his life shattered when his wife Maria and daughter are kidnapped by Carlos, a powerful cartel chief. Carlos demands a top-secret missile in exchange for their safe return. Art, torn between duty and family, begins navigating the dangerous world of cartels and espionage.

Plot Layers:

1. Betrayal Within: Maria’s
   secret affair with Carlos is revealed, adding a layer of betrayal. This
   complicates Art’s mission, forcing him to question his wife’s loyalty and
   grapple with his own emotions.
2. The Double Agent: Alan, a
   seemingly loyal Navy computer whiz, is revealed to be secretly working for
   Carlos. His internal conflict between loyalty to Art and his family ties
   with Carlos creates tension and uncertainty.
3. The Stolen Technology:
   The top-secret missile is not just a weapon; it contains groundbreaking
   technology. As Art delves deeper, he discovers that the missile’s
   capabilities could revolutionize warfare. The true motives behind Carlos’s
   demand become more complex than a simple act of revenge.
4. Power Struggle within the Cartel:
   Carlos’s motives for obtaining the missile are not solely focused on
   revenge against his rival cartel. A power struggle within his own
   organization is unveiled, with betrayals and alliances that complicate
   Art’s mission and threaten the safety of his family.

Character Layers:

1. Maria’s Past: Maria’s
   ex-CIA background comes to light, revealing a history of covert operations
   and the skills that make her a formidable force. Her past connections
   become crucial in navigating the dangerous world of cartels.
2. Alan’s Family Ties:
   Alan’s loyalty to Carlos is driven by family connections, exposing a
   deeper layer of complexity. His internal struggle intensifies as he
   grapples with conflicting allegiances and the fear of endangering his
   loved ones.
3. Carlos’s Personal Vendetta:
   Carlos’s rivalry with the other cartel is not just about business; it’s
   personal. A tragic event from his past is unveiled, explaining the
   deep-seated animosity and the lengths he’s willing to go to settle the
   score.
4. Art’s Ethical Dilemma:
   As Art uncovers the potential consequences of the stolen technology, he
   faces an ethical dilemma. The missile could bring cause great harm if
   misused. Art must decide between fulfilling Carlos’s demand, and
   preventing a potential global catastrophe.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Intriguing Character Layers

Doing this assignment, I learned that it’s fun to make up things on the fly.

Assignment 1 – Intrigue in Example Show 24 (2001)

Victor sends an encrypted message warning an assassin intends to kill Presidential Candidate Palmer.

Palmer threatens to sue if a journalist tells about his extra-marital affairs which will hurt him politically.

Jack and Nina had a secret office affair co-workers found out about.

Jack makes Mason give him information or he’ll turn him in for stealing $200K from a money transfer.

Richard Walsh tells Jack he must protect Palmer because he can’t trust anyone else in the counter terrorism unit.

Kim sneaks out at night without telling her parents Jack or Teri.

Out on a date that turns dangerous, Kim and Janet are kidnapped by Dan and Rick.

Mandy uses a time bomb to blow up an airliner after she parachutes from the plane.

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Assignment 2 – Intrigue in TV miniseries BORDER TOWN

For each of the [main characters] for this [genre] about this [concept], brainstorm the [Intriguing Layers] of characters who fit this TV series well.

Intriguing Layers =

Martin assumed the identify of an officer who was killed during Desert Storm.

Art was dishonorably discharged from the Marines because he stole money from a fellow Marine

Character Name = Lt. Commander Martin Fletcher

· Role: Aircraft & maintenance manager at a U.S. Navy base on the Mexican border

· Hidden agendas: His wife was kidnapped by a Mexican cartel leader

· Competition: He competes with the officer in charge of advanced drone-controlled missiles

· Conspiracies: He wants to become base commanding officer if they don’t find out he was born in Mexico

· Secrets: He has a forged birth certificate because he’s not a native-born American

· Deception: He secretly spies on his competitor he suspects sells classified information to unknown parties

· Wound: Martin fears someone sabotaged his career because he was denied a promotion to Captain

· Secret Identity: Martin assumed the identify of an officer who died in an explosion during Desert Storm

Character Name = Lt. Commander Art Hawthorne

· Role: Art heads the base advanced drone-controlled missiles

· Hidden agendas: Art secretly passes classified documents to foreign allies for funds to send his kids to college

· Competition: He always competes for budgetary funds with Martin who lacks enough funds to maintain base vehicles

· Conspiracies: Art justifies what he’s doing because the U.S. should share its secrets with our allies

· Secrets: His father was a spy while working in the State Department

· Deception: He deceives his wife, tells her his extra money comes from cash bonuses which is a lie

· Wound: He’s insulted because base commanding officer snoops around his facility on the base

· Secret Identity: He was a Navy Seal who was dishonorably discharged because he stole money from a fellow Marine

ChatGPT:
Lt. Commander Martin Fletcher:

Intriguing Layers:

· Secret Mission: Martin assumed the identity of an officer who died during Desert Storm, concealing a classified mission that went awry.

· Personal Vendetta: His wife’s kidnapping by a Mexican cartel leader adds a personal vendetta layer, motivating him to take extreme measures.

· Ambitious Motives: Desiring the position of base commanding officer, Martin navigates a complex web of ambition, risking exposure of his Mexican origins.

· Paranoia and Espionage: Fearing a conspiracy against his career, Martin engages in covert surveillance, heightening the atmosphere of secrecy and distrust.

· Forged Identity: His forged birth certificate symbolizes the lengths he’s gone to establish an American identity, raising questions about his true allegiance.

Lt. Commander Art Hawthorne:

Intriguing Layers:

· Covert Alliances: Art’s secret sharing of classified documents with foreign allies introduces an element of clandestine international collaboration.

· Financial Strain: The motive to fund his children’s education through covert means adds a sympathetic layer to Art’s character.

· Budgetary Rivalry: Competing with Martin for budgetary funds creates an ongoing tension, showcasing the clash between personal and professional priorities.

· Justified Deception: Art rationalizes his actions by arguing for the greater good, blurring the lines between right and wrong, adding moral complexity.

· Family Legacy: The revelation of his father’s espionage background hints at a family legacy of secrecy and espionage, deepening Art’s connection to covert operations.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Engaging Main Characters

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to dig deep into my character’s motivations.

Assignment 1 – Example Season One TV Pilot: 24 (2001)

Jack Bauer’s Engaging Profile

Role in the show: Jack. who heads a counter terrorism unit, is ordered to stop an assassin from killing a Presidential candidate, and must investigate an airliner that blew up killing all passengers.

Unique Purpose / Expertise: He is a trained CIA agent.

Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? He secretly works to rescue his daughter who’s been kidnapped by two dangerous young men.

Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are crossed? Illegally traces his daughter’s location without a warrant.

Unpredictable: What will they do next? Catch the assassin before she kills the Presidential candidate.

Empathetic: Why do we care? Coworkers hate him because he arrested corrupt co-workers.

Assignment 2 – Season One TV Pilot: BORDER TOWN

Tom’s Engaging Main Characters

Journey of the show: Lt. Commander Mike Frost, in charge of maintaining a Naval base’s ships and vehicles, discovers a Mexican cartel leader kidnapped his wife to blackmail him into giving the leader a Sword missile he needs to kill a competitor.

Mike

Role in the show: Naval officer who hides his background to prevent his boss from finding out about him.

Unique Purpose / Expertise: He is an ex-Navy Seal.

Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? Mike was born in Mexico and the leader will tell his boss and he will be discharged from the Navy unless he gives him a missile.

Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? Stealing government weapons is a federal crime.

Unpredictable: What will they do next? Mike must silence the leader and rescue his wife.

Empathetic: Why do we care? Undeserved misfortune: His parents lied. He was really born in Mexico.

Maria

Role in the show: Mike’s wife and mother of their children is kidnapped and used as a pawn.

Unique Purpose / Expertise: She is a whiz on a computer. Worked to keep Navy security systems safe.

Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? She had a fling with the leader and never told Mike.

Moral Issue: What moral boundaries were crossed? Mike doesn’t know the leader is the father of his and Maria’s first born.

Unpredictable: What will they do next? Mike wants to lead some men into Mexico and rescue Maria.

Empathetic: Why do we care? Maria found she’s pregnant but didn’t tell Mike before she was kidnapped.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Three Circles of Characters

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s exciting to let it all hang out and make up characters on the fly.

Assignment #1 – for example TV show 24:

Main Characters Circle:

· Jack Bauer

· Teri Bauer

· Nina Myers

· Kim Bauer

· Senator David Palmer

Connected Circle:

· Agent Gary Matheson

· Victor Drazen

· Sherry Palmer

· George Mason

· Agent Tom Baker

· Tony Almeida

Environmental Circle:

· Law enforcement personnel

· News conference reporters

· People in crowd

· Secret service agents

Tom’s Three Circles of Characters in My Show

Doing
this assignment, I learned it’s easy to construct characters using AI.

Assignment #2 – Here are 3 groups of characters for your thriller TV series about an ex-fighter pilot who steals an airliner to free his kidnapped family, set in the back streets of Tehran:

A. Main Characters:

1. Reza – Ex-fighter pilot Unique Role: Protagonist who must save his family Secret or Intrigue: Suffers from PTSD after being discharged

2. Leila – Reza’s wife Unique Role: Kidnapped along with their children Secret or Intrigue: Hiding a terminal illness from her family

3. Ali – Reza’s brother Unique Role: Only family Reza has left and helps him Secret or Intrigue: Was disowned by their father for being gay

4. Ava – Journalist Unique Role: Trying to uncover the truth behind the kidnapping Secret or Intrigue: Had a secret relationship with Reza in the past

5. Omid – Kidnapper
Unique Role: Main antagonist who took Reza’s family Secret or Intrigue: Connected to Reza’s past in the air force

B. Connected Characters:

1. Farhad – Corrupt police officer Helps Omid with kidnapping for money

2. Layla – Reza’s daughter Held hostage along with her mother

3. Amir – Reza’s son Also held hostage, brave like his father

4. Bahram – Reza’s former commander Provides intel on the kidnapper

C. Environment Characters:

· Cab drivers

· Street vendors

· Neighbors

· Nurses

· Mechanics

· Waiters

· Homeless people

My TV Show: LIFTOFF

A. Main Characters Circle:

· Mike Nestor – 50, aviation engineer

· Arnie Bostwick – 47, airline executive

· Nina Collins – 32, Mike’s airline pilot wife who was kidnapped

· Angie Michaels – 48, aircraft maintenance chief mechanic

B. Connected Circle:

· Ben Josephson – 37, tarmac cart driver who secretly lives at the air base

· Sen. Marvin Calvert – 57, covers up his corruption but fears he’ll go to prison

· Tommy Arnold – 14, neighborhood kid knows what happens in the village

· Lt. Bob Patrick – 35, investigates Calvert because he abused Bob’s sister

· Victor Drazen – 55, undercover FBI agent on Calvert’s staff is a double agent

· Shelly Palmer – 33, Calvert’s guilt-ridden secretary because they were secret lovers

C. Environment Circle:

Security officers, pedestrians, etc.

Claude: Here are unique thriller character groups for your concept:

A. Main Characters:

Mike Nestor – 50, aviation engineer Unique Role: Goes undercover in the village to find his kidnapped wife

Secret: Was a CIA operative before becoming an engineer

Arnie Bostwick – 47, airline executive Unique Role: Mike’s boss who helps fund the undercover rescue mission

Secret: Had an affair with Mike’s wife Nina

Nina Collins – 32, Mike’s kidnapped pilot wife Unique Role: Being held hostage to blackmail Mike into sabotaging a plane

Secret: Had an affair with Arnie and became pregnant

Angie Michaels – 48, aircraft mechanic
Unique Role: Provides Mike spy tech and pilot skills for undercover mission

Secret: Was dishonorably discharged from Air Force for disobeying orders

B. Connected Characters:

Ben Josephson – 37, tarmac driver
Unique Role: Smuggles messages between Mike and Angie on the air base

Secret: Ben is Nina’s brother who faked his own death

Sen. Marvin Calvert – 57, corrupt senator
Unique Role: He was behind Nina’s kidnapping to keep Mike from exposing bribery

Secret: Has an illegitimate child with his maid

Tommy Arnold – 14, neighborhood kid Unique Role: Goes undercover with Mike using his knowledge of village secrets

Secret: Ran away from abusive parents who live in the village

C. Environment Characters:

Lt. Bob Patrick – 35, investigator tracking Calvert’s corruption

Victor Drazen – 55, FBI agent who works undercover on Calvert’s staff

Shelly Palmer – 33, Calvert’s secretary and secret ex-lover filled with guilt

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Assignment 2

My TV Show: BORDER TOWN

A. Main Characters Circle:

· Art Frost – 50, aviation engineer

· Maria Frost – Art’s ex-CIA wife whom Carlos kidnapped

· Nina Collins – 32, genius missile designer, Art’s assistant

· Angie Michaels – 48, chief aircraft mechanic

B. Connected Circle:

· Ben Josephson – 37, tarmac cart driver who secretly lives at the air base

· Sen. Marvin Calvert – 57, covers up his corruption but fears he’ll go to prison

· Alfredo Gonzales – 14, neighborhood kid knows what happens in the village

· Lt. Bob Patrick – 35, investigates Calvert because he abused Bob’s sister

· Victor Drazen – 55, undercover FBI agent on Frost’s staff is a double agent

· Shelly Palmer – 33, Art’s guilt-ridden secretary because they were secret lovers

C. Environment Circle:

Security officers, pedestrians, etc.

[Tom Wilson]

TV Show 24 (2001) – Logline: Jack Bauer, head of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorist Unit, races against the clock to subvert terrorist plots and save his nation from ultimate disaster in this real-time, pulse-pounding action series that covers 24 hours in each season.

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to dig into a script and find fascinating tidbits that compel an audience to stick around so they can find out what will happen next.

1. Big Picture Hooks in Pilot – Jack Bauer must stop an assassin tasked to kill a U.S. Senator running for President.

2. Intriguing Character – Jack is flawed because he had an affair with colleague Nina and was separated from wife Teri. He recently moved back home and tries to end the war between wife Terri, who’s upset about his affair, and daughter Kim, who sides with dad against mom. Jack’s disliked at work because colleagues know he and Nina had an affair and because he turned in three corrupt fellow agents. Jack’s boss secretly tasks Jack with preventing the assassination because Jack is the only agent he trusts.

3. Empathy / Distress – Jack’s wife wants to keep him at a distance since the affair. There’s much tension at work because of his affair with Nina, and he turned in his corrupt colleagues. Also, his daughter Kim sneaks out to party with her girlfriend and two disreputable young men. He can’t help Teri look for Kim because he must investigate an airliner destroyed by a bomb the assassin planted.

4. Open Loops – Will Jack get back to a close relationship again with Teri? Will he find Kim who the young men are holding against her will before she’s injured or worse? Can he stop the assassin who blew up the plane and killed passengers from killing the Presidential nominee? Will his corrupt director take revenge because Jack blackmailed him for information he needs to capture the assassin?

5. Inviting Obsession – How can Jack get back together with his wife if he can’t help her find their daughter because he must solve the mystery of the blown-up airliner and stop the foreigner killer before he assassinates the Presidential nominee? How can he return to a better working relationship with his coworkers who don’t trust him because he had an affair with one of them and turned in three colleagues for taking bribes?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson – I agree to the terms of this release form:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, I’m Tom Wilson. I have written three TV miniseries and feature scripts.

Out of the class, I hope to learn more and more about using AI to help me write faster and better.

I’m a veteran of a foreign war and have been on teams designing instruments and spacecraft at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

I was in ProSeries40, Binge Worthy TV 11, and took Writing Incredible Movies in 2022.

I look forward to learning from and with all of you!

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Big M.I.S.

Doing this assignment I learned it’s great fun to brainstorm exciting things that happen in Thrillers.

Logline – 3 people wake up in a lifeboat. They don’t know how they got here.

· Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Elaine is the navigating officer of the ship they were on. Her father Malcolm owns the merchant ship fleet that brings goods into the U.S. Elaines doesn’t want her father to go to prison for smuggling contraband, and fears he is responsible for the death of her mother.

· Dangerous Villain: Gus is a deckhand on the ship that just sank. Malcolm gave him a job even though he was fresh out of prison. He wants to go straight. Malcolm wants him for his criminal skills.

· High stakes: if they aren’t rescued soon, they will starve or die of exposure to the elements.

· Life and death situations: A big storm closes in. They don’t stand a chance in high waves.

· This story is thrilling because pirates chase them to a shipwreck with a hidden shipment of gold.

2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story.

· Big Mystery: Why is a submersible pulling them across the Atlantic.

· Big Intrigue: Why did Elaine’s father demand she not go on this ship’s trip?

· Big Suspense: The main danger throughout the movie is will the pirates catch and kill them?

[Tom Wilson]

BLADE RUNNER Thriller Conventions

Doing this assignment, I found instances of Mystery, Intrigue and Suspense:

· The unwitting but Resourceful Hero is Deckard who hates killing replicants because they’re so human-like.

· In this story, one mystery is why and how are the replicants evolving? Will their superior traits enable them to conquer the humans who made them?

· It’s a mystery to dangerous Villain Roy Batty why replicants were made to live only two years. Batty uses intrigue to kill his makers one by one.

· High stakes involve Batty killing the principals of the company that manufactured him and the other replicants.

· Life and death situations: The replicants are much stronger than humans and ruthlessly kill them without a second thought. Surprisingly as he dies, Roy shows he has more respect for humans than they have for themselves.

· This movie is thrilling because the audience is caught up in Deckard’s dilemma and suspense. Who’s human, who’s a replicant?

BLADE RUNNER a great thriller. Protagonist Deckard, who’s a cop, quit hunting and killing replicants because they are so human-like. His old boss forces him to do it because some replicants escaped off-planet jobs, returned to Earth to discover their origins and to take revenge on their “makers,” and Deckard is the best at the job he hates.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I Tom Wilson agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Tom Wilson]

1. Tom Wilson.

2. I have written three scripts.

3. I expect to get a great script I can use to attract a manager.

4. I am a foreign war veteran who helped design space missions at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Ready to exchange? Information about my Contained project is below.

Send me your outline and I will reply with mine.

Title: ADRIFT

Genre: Drama – Pilot Mini Series

High Concept/Hook: A woman and two men wake up in a life boat in the middle of the ocean. They don’t know how they got here. They’ll quickly die of exposure if they aren’t rescued soon.

Tom Wilson, wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

Title: ADRIFT

Genre/Drama – Pilot Mini Series

Written by: Tom Wilson

Doing this lesson, I learned how much more interesting scenes are if they bounce back and forth between positive and negative actions and events.

Logline: A sailor, a smuggler and the daughter of the ship’s owner wake up adrift in a life boat. They don’t know how they got here.

Scene 1: Elaine, Gus, and Alfredo wake up in a lifeboat after their ship sinks. They don’t know what happened.

Scene 2: Elaine reveals she’s the daughter of the shipping company CEO, and that she is on a mission to stop him from smuggling guns and drugs.

Scene 3: Gus reveals that he has a juvenile criminal record, and that he is smuggling gold bricks into the US.

Scene 4: Alfredo reveals that he is attracted to Elaine, and that he wants to marry her. She says Hell, No. He calls the pirate chief and invites his men to sneak aboard and steal the gold. Gus spies on him and organizes a team to fight off the pirates. When they sneak onto the ship, Gus and team fight them off. Pirate chief is pissed at Alfredo and blows a hole in the ship that sinks it.

Scene 5: The three survivors are rescued by a submersible. The submersible takes them to the sunken ship, where they find the gold bricks.

Scene 6: Elaine and Gus realize that Alfredo is not who he seems. He is an opportunist who is only interested in the gold.

Scene 7: Alfredo tries to kill Gus but Elaine and Gus fight him off.

Scene 8: Alfredo escapes and joins a group of pirates.

Overall plot for season 1: Elaine and Gus team up to stop Alfredo and the pirates from smuggling guns and drugs. They also learn more about Elaine’s father’s criminal activities.

Overall plot for season 2: Elaine and Gus continue their fight against Alfredo and the pirates. They also learn more about Elaine’s past, and how it has shaped her into the person she is today.

Overall plot for season 3: Elaine and Gus’s relationship is tested as they face new challenges. They also learn more about the gold bricks, and who is really behind them.

Overall plot for season 4: Elaine and Gus must make a difficult choice: do they continue their fight against Alfredo and the pirates, or do they try to start a new life?

Overall plot for season 5: Elaine and Gus make their choice, and they must face the consequences. They also learn more about themselves, and what it means to be a hero.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Title: ADRIFT –
Genre/Drama – Pilot Mini Series

High Concept/Hook: A woman and two men wake up in a life boat in the middle of the Atlantic. They don’t know how they got here. Without help, they’ll quickly die of exposure. Will they be rescued in time?

Act I Opening:
EXT. LIFE BOAT DRIFTS ACROSS THE NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN – DAY

Elaine wakes up, glances around. Vast ocean in all directions. Nothing else in sight.

Gus, Alfredo and Elaine wake up on a life boat. They don’t know how they came to be here. All three are terrified; can’t hide it. They bicker continuously.

GUS, wearing a suit and tie, awakens. Looks around, terrified.

ALFREDO, wearing a sailor’s working jeans and work shirt, looks around. Doesn’t understand what he sees.

Gus aches to become an experienced seaman to earn his father’s respect. He secretly fears the water. During a collision at sea, he nearly drowned. Because he’s dyslectic, he doesn’t read well but tries to hide it. He knows he must improve his swimming and reading skills.

Gus bickers with Elaine who suggests improvements. His hidden agenda: He secretly studies so he can join the Navy as a chief petty officer. He’s an experienced boatman. A merchant ship enters the shipping lanes. Gus weighs if he can swim and catch the ship so it will take them to the next port.

Elaine wants to marry a man who’ll help solve her problems and love her for who she is. She knows if she appears desperate, she’ll scare men off. She had to divorce a man who wanted her only for her father’s money. She hides her intelligence so she won’t intimidate a good man. In front of his crew, she told the ship’s captain she was right. He was wrong. She knows she’s too aggressive.

Alfredo wants to become president of his company but doesn’t know how. He’s an ex-con, not the businessman he pretends to be. Because he has a juvenile record, he fears if caught he’ll go to jail for a long time. He fears he’ll lose both grain and the gold. He fears he’ll go to jail for smuggling the gold he hid in the grain aboard the ship they were on. Something happened. They’re now in a life boat. How does Alfredo get the gold hidden in the grain without getting caught? He won’t tell Gus or Elaine about the gold. He fears they’ll report him. He fears Gus will find out about the gold and steal it and/or turn him in. He’s in love with Elaine. But has no money, fears she’ll reject him.

Gus and Alfredo try to out-macho each other. Elaine says they’re childish. She secretly uses a tiny mirror to send a Morse code SOS to a passing ship to save them. She knows Alfredo hides something. Wants him to tell her so they can work it out. She wants Alfredo to ask her out if they ever escape. She is the ship’s navigator and the shipping company CEO’s daughter. A colleague says it’s good Elaine can enjoy doing work she loves and often gets to spd time with her father. She fears if Alfredo finds out her father is the boss, he won’t ask her out.

Layer/Reveal:

Elaine was the ship’s navigator. Alfredo sees her last name is Gregory. Alfredo: ‘That’s the shipping company name. Elaine: ‘That’s my Dad.’ Gus says Mr. Gregory took a chance hiring him. He’s a good guy. Alfredo confronts Gus: ‘See these hands. I’m a deckhand. Work hard all day long. You’re all dressed up. How much work can you get done?’ Gus: I’m accompanying a shipment of grain. It’s in the ship’s hold. Or was.

Elaine: How’d we get here? Alfredo: Fumes poured from the hold. Everyone passed out. Gus: I grabbed a gas mask. Pulled you two into the boat. Elaine: What about the ship? Gus: (Shrugs shoulders) I must’ve passed out.

Gus casts the fishing line into the water. He gets an instant bite. Hauls in a baby shark. They slice it up and wolf it down in a few minutes. Alfredo gives off a glorious burp. Gus and Elaine grin with bloody mouths.

Gus: Let’s go. Gus and Alfredo paddle from either side of the boat. They go two feet, fall back two feet. Alfredo removes his outer clothes, dives in. He surfaces, holds up a black cable: ‘Something on the sea floor is pulling us.’ Elaine: ‘Where, why?’ Alfredo: ‘Let’s cut the cable. Row to where a ship can spot us.’ Gus: ‘We can only row so much. I’m no sailor but without that cable pulling us we have no power or navigation to guide us. We’re at the mercy of the current. And that sun will kill us if we aren’t rescued very soon.’ Elaine: it’s important to find out who’s pulling us and why.’

Elaine fears for Gus. Down too long. Dives into blackness w/ a speargun. Abruptly, Gus shoots up from the bottom. Alfredo pulls himself down. They bump heads.

Inciting Incident:

See a ship. Fire the flare. The ship keeps going. They decide to get closer to shipping lane so they’ll be rescued.

They can’t change boat’s course. It’s pulled along by a cable anchored to something moving on the sea floor.

Alfredo says he’s a sailor. He’ll dive down and loosen the cable to get the boat free. Gus wants to convince Elaine he’s not an “insurance salesman” type. Before Alfredo can dive in, Gus sheds his outer clothes. Jumps in. Follows cable into the darkness below.

Elaine fears for Gus. He’s been gone too long. Alfredo grabs a speargun. Dives in to total blackness. Abruptly, Gus shoots up from the bottom. Alfredo pulls himself down. They bump heads.

Climax/Ultimate expression of conflict:
FEAR: Alfredo won’t let Gus attract a passing ship. Gus and Alfredo fight. Alfredo beats Gus. Holds his head underwater. Elaine hits Alfredo with an oar. A missile almost destroys the boat. Alfredo grabs her. She swims away. Shark approaches. She jumps back in the boat.

Crisis: Gus and Alfredo start punching each other. Elaine can’t stop their fight.

· Hidden Agenda: She uses a tiny mirror to send a Morse code SOS to a distant ship to save them.

· Conspiracy: She knows Alfredo hides something. Wants him to tell her so they can work it out.

· Intrigue: She wants Alfredo to ask her out if they are ever rescued.

That night Gus sleeps in the boat’s forward area. Alfredo crawls to Elaine who sleeps in boat’s stern. He tickles her cheek. She screams bloody murder. Gus rushes over. Pulls Alfredo off her.
Dilemma: She can’t decide: Should she escape with Alfredo or Gus?

Midpoint: A missile crashes into the sea next to the boat. Elaine and Gus let him be their leader.

Turning Point 2: Alfredo threatens them with a gun if they don’t obey him.

Dilemma: Elaine must choose between believing him, or what, drowning herself?

3rd Act Climax: She slugs Alfredo. Swims away. Shark approaches her. She returns to the boat.

Beginning: ELAINE wakes up in the boat, sees the other two. How did they get here?

Alfredo swims down to the submersible. Gus dives down to help him. They can’t take control of it.

They find they’re being pulled by a submersible

Alfredo’s GPS shows they’re in the Atlantic between Norway and Iceland.

HOPE: Elaine yells the submersible has stopped over a ship wreck on the ocean floor. They see thousands of gold coins that spilled from the ship. Elaine and Gus let him be their leader.

Act I TP: Gus: Let’s wait & see. Alfredo: We must take control of the submersible. Elaine sides with Gus.

A large Navy ship anchors on the horizon. Elaine uses a tiny mirror to send an SOS. The Navy vessel fires one of its big guns.

Act II TP: A missile knocks a corner off the boat. Elaine freaks out. Gus comforts her. Alfredo threatens them with a gun if they don’t obey him. Dilemma: Elaine must choose between believing him, or drowning herself?

Resolution: HOPE: Abruptly, the ship Elaine sent the SOS to moves in to save them.

ENDING: Elaine sees Alfredo exploits women. He threatens her. Gus fights Alfredo. Elaine and Gus swim away. Alfredo chases them in a Zodiac. They dive underwater to escape.

Alfredo won’t let her get in the Zodiac. She yells for help. Gus slugs Alfredo. She and Gus tie up Alfredo. Cut cable to the submersible. Elaine and Gus row to shipping lanes to attract a ship. They see a ship! Fire their last flare. The ship keeps going. They decide they must get closer to the shipping lane so they’ll be rescued.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Budget

Doing this assignment, I sought the best value possible for the budget.

Main Variables ———- Budget Lowered ————— Budgeted Quadrupled

Number of Locations —–8 locations lowered to 5 ———8 locations upped to 10

Expensive locations ——Cheap locations substituted —–3 expensive locations added

Number of characters —- 7 characters lowered to 5 ——10 characters used

Special effects ———– Actual props replace CGI ——–3 FX houses will do all effects

Number of pages ———95 pages slashed to 85 ——— Pages expanded to 110

Crowd scenes ————- 3 scenes shot on same day —–5 separate crowd scenes

Stunt, Chase, Fight scenes —-6 events reduced to 4——- 8 scenes will be used

Special sets ————— With changes, 1 set used for 3– 4 special sets will be used

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Writes Great Hope/Fear!

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to bounce from Hope to Fear and back again. A thrill for the audience.

Tom’s 4 Act Structure

Doing this assignment, I learned I need a deadline like this to do my work faster.

Concept: 3 people wake up in a life raft at sea. No knowledge how they got here.

Main Conflict: The 3 argue, fight about the best way to save themselves in the last few hours they have left.
Act 1:
OPENING: 3 wake up in a life raft crossing the middle of the vast Atlantic Ocean.

DANGER: Alfredo fears they’ll die of exposure before they can be rescued.

HOPE: Elaine assures them a passing ship will save them.

TURNING POINT – DANGER: A submersible pulls their boat! Where is it taking them?

Act 2:
NEW PLAN: Investigate the submersible.

HOPE: Gus dives down and checks it out.

NOT ACCESSIBLE: He finds the steering rudder is locked down.

NO CONTROL: Gus surfaces. Says he cannot gain control of the submersible.

NEW PLAN – They decide to attract a passing merchant ship that will save them.

HOPE: Here comes a passing merchant ship. Alfredo swims to it.

FEAR: No one on the ship sees them.

HOPE: Another ship appears. Gus swims out. Begs ship’s captain to rescue them.

TICKING CLOCK: Captain: No can do. Lack time and fuel to turn around.

HOPE: Gus returns to the life raft with a life preserver and fishing gear.

STARVATION: Gus and Alfredo fish all night. Nada.

HOPE: Elaine casts a fishing line in the water. Gets a bite. Reels in her fish.

DANGER: A shark leaps from the water. Snatches the fish away.

TP/MIDPOINT: FEAR/DESPERATION – Elaine spots another fish. Jumps in. Catches it.

HOPE: The trio gobbles up the whole fish raw in seconds.

ALL IS LOST: Each fears the fish was their last meal.

Act 3:
RETHINK EVERYTHING – HOPE: A ship sails past in the distance.

DESPAIR: Gus fires their last two flares. The ship doesn’t change course.

HOPE: Alfredo swims down to the submersible. Wants to steer it at the ship.

DESPAIR: Fails to unlock the rudder. Submersible stays on course pulling their life boat. The ship speeds into the sunset.

NEW PLAN – HOPE: They fish in shifts. Always keep a fishing line in the water.

ACT 3 TURNING POINT – DANGER: Gus fishes. Shark attacks him. Alfredo panics. Elaine beats off the shark. She cuts off Gus’ foot. Binds bleeding stump.

Act 4:
FINAL PLAN: – HOPE: Fire flare gun (Gus stole from the 1st ship) at next ship they see.

Climax/Ultimate expression of conflict:
FEAR: Alfredo won’t let Gus attract a passing ship. Gus and Alfredo fight.

HOPE: Elaine yells that the submersible has stopped over a ship wreck on the ocean floor. They see thousands of gold coins that spilled out of the ship.

Resolution:
HOPE: At the last second, the ship returns to save them.

FEAR: They fight the ship’s captain, who doesn’t know about the gold. Wants to rescue them.

HOPE: They beg the captain for supplies. They want to remain with the gold.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s 4 Act Structure

Doing this assignment, I learned I need a deadline like this to do my work faster.

· Concept: 3 people wake up on a life raft gliding over the sea. No idea how they got here. Or why.

· Main Conflict: Keep attempting to hail a ship to save them vs. Get control of the submarine that pulls them?

Act 1:
· Opening: Gus, Elaine and Alfredo wake up in a life raft crossing the mid-Atlantic.

· Turning Point – They discover a submersible is pulling them. Where is it headed?

Act 2:
· New plan – Gus swim to and board a merchant ship that will save them.

· Plan in action – The ship’s captain won’t return to pick up Elaine and Alfredo.

· Midpoint Turning Point – Gus jumps overboard and swims back to Elaine and Alfredo.

Act 3:
· Rethink everything – Alfredo makes the submersible pulling them chase the ship Gus boarded.

· New plan – They meet Gus who swims to rejoin them.

· Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift / Heart of Darkness moment: Gus returns their life raft. A shark bites him. Alfredo won’t save him. Elaine pulls Gus aboard. Binds his wounds.

Act 4:
· Final plan – They will fire the flare gun (Gus stole from the 1st ship) at next ship they see.

· Climax/Ultimate expression of conflict: Alfredo won’t let Gus attract a passing ship. Gus and Alfredo fight. Elaine yells their life raft stopped. It hovers over a ship wreck on the ocean floor. Thousands of gold coins have spilled out of the ship.

· Resolution: At the last second, the ship returns to rescue them. They fight the ship’s captain who wants to take the three onboard. They want the captain to give them supplies. They want to remain with the gold.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Delivers Multiple Layers!

Doing this assignment, I find it’s fun to create surprises under each surface.

POTENTIAL PLOT LAYERS:

The Coast Guard inspection certificate is a forgery. The boat isn’t safe.

SURFACE LAYER: Inspection certificate.

BENEATH THAT: Certificate has typos.

HOW REVEALED: Captain spots a typo on the fake certificate.

POTENTIAL SURFACE LAYERS:

Three people wake up in a rescue boat moving across the open ocean.

SURFACE LAYER: Boat seems to move along self-powered .

BENEATH THAT: A submersible uses a cable to pull the boat from under the water.

HOW REVEALED: Elaine spots the cable. Looks closer. Sees the submersible.

POTENTIAL CHARACTER LAYERS:

One night a man beats up an old homeless woman.

SURFACE LAYER: The man wears a detective badge.

BENEATH THAT: Tape on the badge covers up the word “Retired.”

HOW REVEALED: The woman slugs the man. Pulls the tape off his badge.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Journeys!

Doing this assignment, I found it’s fun to match up what the characters do to each other.

Beginning: GUS insists he go with Elaine and Alfredo in the boat.

Turning Point: He and Elaine spar. (Meet cute.)

Midpoint: Gus and Elaine share wounds: He confesses he left college because his Dad was overbearing. She says she can’t win her father’s respect.

Dilemma: He doesn’t know if he should side with Alfredo or Elaine.

Turning Point 2: He sees Alfredo wants them dead. He and Elaine team up against Alfredo.

3rd Act Climax: He wonders if Elaine is teasing him. Who is the meany: Elaine and Alfredo?

Ending: Elaine sees Alfredo is a thief. He threatens her. Gus fights Alfredo. Elaine and Gus swim away. Alfredo chases them in a Zodiac. They dive underwater to escape.

Beginning: ALFREDO puts a mickey in Elaine and Gus’ drinks. Takes them on the boat.

Turning Point: Elaine and Gus listen to his sad story.

Midpoint: Elaine and Gus let him be their leader.

Turning Point 2: He threatens them with a gun if they don’t obey him.

Dilemma: Elaine must choose between believing him or swimming back to the port.

3rd Act Climax: She slugs Alfredo. Swims to shore. Natives attack. She swims back to the boat.

Ending: He won’t let her back into the boat. She yells for help. Gus slugs Alfredo. Elaine and Gus return safely to the port.

Beginning: ELAINE wakes up in the boat, sees the other two. How did they got here?

Turning Point: She discovers a submarine hauls their boat. Where the hell to?

Midpoint: She scuba dives onto the submarine. Gus and Alfredo return her to the boat.

Dilemma: She can’t decide: Should she escape with Alfredo or Gus?

Turning Point 2: She sees Alfredo poisons their food. Prepares to fight him.

3rd Act Climax: She slugs Alfredo. Swims to shore. Natives chase her back into the water.

Ending: She and Gus tie up Alfredo. Cut cable to the submarine. Row their way back to the port.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Depth!

Doing this assignment, I learned filling in these blanks enables me to dive in depth into each character and sort out their relationship to each other.

Internal Character Depth – Gus

He is baffled. What powers this boat that moves quickly through the ocean?

· Motivation: Despite doubts, he aches to become an experienced seaman to earn his father’s respect.

· Secret: He fears the water.

· Wound: During a collision at sea, he was nearly drowned.

· Subtext: He can’t read but hides it.

· Layers: He must improve his swimming and reading skills.

Character to character

· Conflict: He argues with Elaine who suggests better ways for him to do things.

· Hidden Agenda: He secretly studies to join the Navy and become a chief petty officer.

· Conspiracy: He is the only person besides Alfredo who knows anything about boating.

· Intrigue: He wants Alfredo to assist him to get the gold. But he says no.

Character Situation

· Dilemma: Can Gus swim to a ship that’s about to pass them and get help to save them?

Internal Character Depth – Alfredo

· Motivation: He wants to become president of his company but doesn’t know how.

· Secret: He doesn’t want to go to jail for smuggling the gold he hid in the grain.

· Wound: Because he has a record from when he was a juvenile, he fears if caught he’ll go to jail for a long time.

· Dilemma: He is overly nervous about losing his shipment of grain because it’s really a shipment of gold.

· Layers: He fears if he’s arrested, authorities will discover his juvenile record.

Character to character

· Conflict: The three are nervous about their fate. They bicker continuously.

· Hidden Agenda: How can Alfredo get the back to the ship and retrieve the gold without getting caught.

· Conspiracy: He can’t let Gus or Elaine find out about the gold. He fears they will report him to the authorities.

· Intrigue: He fears Gus will find out about the gold and steal it and/or turn him in.

Character Situation

· Dilemma: He’s in love with Elaine, will forget the gold and pursue her. But fears with no money, she’ll reject him.

· Secret Identity: He’s an ex-con, not the businessman he pretends to be.

Internal Character Depth – Elaine

· Motivation: She wants a man to marry her and solve her problems. She needs a man to love her for who she is.

· Secret: She doesn’t want to appear desperate or she will scare a man off.

· Wound: She had to divorce a man who wanted her only for her father’s money.

· Subtext: She hides her intelligence because she fears it would intimidate a good man.

· Layers: She told the ship’s captain she was right, he was wrong. She hates herself for being too aggressive.

Character to character

· Conflict: The two men try to out-macho each other. She wants to tell them they’re childish.

· Hidden Agenda: She uses a tiny mirror to send a Morse code SOS to a passing ship to save them.

· Conspiracy: She knows Alfredo hides something. Wants him to tell her so they can work it out together.

· Intrigue: She wants Alfredo to ask her out if they are ever rescued.

Character Situation

· Dilemma: She fears if Alfredo finds out her father is the boss, he will be afraid to ask her out.

· Secret Identity: She is the ship’s navigator. No one knows she’s the shipping company CEO’s daughter.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Right Characters!

What I learned doing this assignment is how to make my scripts more organic.

How can my main characters fit with the Hook?

Gus is a merchant ship deckhand who knows how to handle boats

Alfredo accompanies his company’s grain shipments to their customers

Elaine is the daughter of a cargo shipping company CEO.

How does each main character enhance or cause that conflict?

Gus thinks he should be in charge

Alfredo is paranoid the other two will discover his shipment is gold not grain

Elaine should be in charge because she grew up in the shipping business

What makes these characters the right ones for this story?

Gus is a merchant ship deckhand who can keep them afloat

Alfredo accompanies his company’s shipments to their customers

Elaine knows more about what’s happening than the other two

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Great Hook!

Title: DARK PASSAGE – One hour Mini-Series – Pilot – Genre: Drama

A. How did this process work for you?

It made me think. I come up with better ideas as a result.

B. What did you learn doing this assignment?

It’s a clever way for me to generate ideas quickly.

· A. Intriguing Contained Setting: Alone mid-sea in a small rescue boat

· B. Unique Device: The boat is underway but has no engine?

· C. Unique Monster/Villain: A scuba diver is spotted underwater.

· D. Mystery: Where is the boat taking them?

· E. Impossible goal/Unsolvable problem: Why is a rover pulling them?

· F. Unique Layers: 3 starving people in a boat

Act I – In the middle of the Pacific Ocean, a rescue boat carries 3 people.

TP: The names of the 3 passengers is found in the boat.

Act II – A storm builds. Broken radio reports say ships search for their boat.

Midpoint Turning Point: They find a rover on the seafloor pulls their boat.

TP: A scuba diver spies on them from under the water.

Act III – There’s no mention of a large ship that sank, leaving them to survive in their rescue boat.

TP: A brutal storm strikes. 9 ft. waves batter the boat. Nearly destroy it.

Climax – Storm subsides. Boat is badly damaged. Takes on water.

Resolution – They arrive at their destination: a sunken merchant shipwreck. Its cargo gold bullion scattered across the ocean bottom.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Guidelines for NO WAY BACK

Contained Environment: Rescue boat with three desperate people aboard.

Contained Characters: A ship’s crewman, a rich heiress and the ship’s owner.

Difficult Situation: If they aren’t quickly rescued, they’ll die of exposure.

Reason for the Containment: Their ship sank in the middle of the ocean.

What I learned doing this assignment is when forced to, I can make quick decisions.

Once I did a few, it was easier for me to scale down a non-Covid made movie.

Title: GUNS OF NAVARONE

As they did it:

A. People – 7 main speaking parts

B. Stunts – 3 scenes involve stunts

C. Extras – 3 scenes involve extras

D. Wardrobe – 12 Nazis uniforms

E. Hair and Make Up – extensive

F. Kids and Animals – one kid reports a good guy to the bad guys

G. Quarantine – They didn’t have to quarantine.

Covid Guildelines Version:

A. People – 5 main speaking parts

B. Stunts – 2 scenes involve stunts

C. Extras – 1 scene involves extras

D. Wardrobe – 6 Nazis uniforms

E. Hair and Make Up – minimal

F. Kids and Animals – A better way is devised to report the good guy

G. Quarantine – minimal needed.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

I, Tom Wilson, agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

I’m Tom Wilson.

I’ve written three scripts.

During this Class, I expect to write an excellent script.

I’m a foreign war veteran who designed space missions at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

I look forward to working with and learning from everybody!

[Tom Wilson]

TOM’S MARKETING PLAN

My Query Letter:

Subject: About Your Next Thriller

Hi, Jack:

I see you do Thrillers. That is my specialty too.

I am available to do writing assignments – rewrite treatments, screenplays, books, and write or rewrite a screenplay from your idea.

I can send a sample of my work.

A foreign war veteran, I helped design space missions at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and specialize in Thrillers.

Let me know if you need anything.

Tom Wilson
310 869 0469
LinkedIn

My Marketing Plan to Attract Producers and Managers

1. Send 20 Queries daily

2. Brainstorm and improve 10 Diamonds for my three most marketable projects

3. Add to my growing list of possible producers and managers I query.

Doing this assignment, I learned an enthusiastic approach, despite lacking big creds, helps me get my foot in the door.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s possible for me to take positive steps and get a Manager.

My specialty is writing Dramatic screenplays.

I have 324 producers in my LinkedIn Network.

Today I will increase my value by connecting with 20 producers.

In the next 30 days I will update outlines and treatments for three of my marketable projects.

Over the next 6 months I’ll send out 100s of Queries and get a Manager.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom is a Note Taking Professional!

Logline: For an Afghan scientist to get her PhD in the U.S. to cure a disease killing her people, she must become engaged to a general to make him popular with voters who will forgive him for pulling U.S. troops from Afghanistan and vote for him to become President.

Cut the budget in half — If the budget is chopped from $8M to $4M, I would suggest shooting exterior Afghan scenes in the Mojave Desert instead of the Mideast; use a local college for UC Berkeley scenes; and attract A-List actors like Harrison Ford or Tom Cruise who are pilots by adding scenes in which they fly planes. Also, we’ll ask them to use their contacts to allow us to film scenes in local airports inexpensively.

Write it for a different audience — Currently written for males and females over 25, it could be written to emphasize the female Afghan scientist’s journey over the general’s so it would draw a female audience over 25.

Change the genre — This Drama could be a Thriller. A hidden cabal wants the Vice President to win the election and carry out their non-democratic, authoritarian plans. Bad guys attempt to kill Ratkin. Matt Brown, the ex-squad leader hates Ratkin but knows he must be elected over the traitor, Vice President Philby.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Decreased Budget

Doing this assignment, I learned an average background scene won’t upstage a dramatic moment while a distracting location could lower the impact a key scene needs to deliver.

Ways I can lower the budget of my screenplay:

· In three instances, it was possible to combine two scenes.

· At three press conferences, only one reporter not three asked all the questions.

· Setting two scenes in a car at night is cheaper than daytime scenes shot outside with extras.

· A character discovers a Reveal when she spots an article in a newspaper thrown in the trash.

· Instead of shooting a separate scene, a cashier gives a character a vital clue when he returns the credit card she left behind at the end of a restaurant scene.

[Tom Wilson]

Great news! Scientist Kate prepares to launch to Mars to find signs of life. Bad News: Minutes before liftoff, a mysterious asteroid strikes and destroys her spaceship.

Hi, XXXX

Bio: I helped design Mars missions at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, write for the screen and do writing assignments.

During this lesson, I learned if I set a timer I write better and faster.

Title: MARS OR BUST

Genre: Thriller – One Hour Pilot

Great news! Kate and crew strap in to launch to Mars to find signs of life. Bad News: On the eve of launch, a mysterious asteroid strikes and destroys her spaceship. They barely escape with their lives.

Kate’s teenage daughter, clairvoyant Clare spots a light in the sky. Yells a warning. The crew exits the ship. An asteroid smashes into the spaceship. Enormous EXPLOSION.

Clare cheers! Mom won’t desert her. She fears when Kate leaves, her dad Ed will abuse her. Kate feels guilty because she chooses not to believe Clare. She wants to discover life on Mars. Win a Nobel Prize.

Good news! Kate’s ex-husband and NASA boss Ed preps another spaceship. Bad news: He wants Kate and crew to mine the Moon for precious metals. Far more profitable than collecting science on Mars!

Ed orders Kate and crew to mine the Moon for precious metals needed in all electronics. What the hell, Kate says. Clare seduces a teacher to leave his family and protect her from Ed when Kate launches. Kate’s devastated.

During the Moon launch, the spaceship crashes into the sea. Good News: Crew is rescued. Bad News: Kate’s injured.

Spaceship launches, loses power, slows, tilts. Crew emergency capsule jettisons. Scuba divers rescue the crew. None are badly injured. Except Kate. She has a concussion. Is in a coma. Only a slim chance she’ll wake up.

Let me know if you would like to take a look at my script.

Tom Wilson – wilsontomj@gmail.com – 310 869 0469

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson’s Producer Interview Experience

As a writer discussing a producer’s project with him or her, I observed they are more inclined to accept improvements when they clarify and aren’t simply unnecessary details.

As a producer working with a writer, it’s critical he or she feels the writer’s suggestions fall within an agreeable range of possible fixes.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
Doing this assignment, I learned brainstorming really improves whatever I work on.

High Concept:
The only way an Afghan scientist can get her PhD so she can eradicate a disease that kills her people is to breakup with her true love and become engaged to the general who pulls U.S. troops out of Afghanistan and help him run for President.

Elevator Pitch:
To get her PhD so she can eradicate a disease killing her people, an Afghan scientist agrees to become engaged to the general who abruptly pulls U.S. troops from Afghanistan so he can run for President.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Synopsis for Producer Interview

Doing this assignment, I learned that if I set a timer I work faster and better rushing to finish in time.

Title: E.T. SEEDS

Genre: Thriller – Feature

· Logline: A boy founds a manufacturing empire on plants which enhance peoples’ IQ. Only too late he finds it harms people .

· Synopsis: In rural Alaska, Marcus discovers delicious plants grown from magic seeds on a farm near a mountain top lake. Boris, who owns the farm, is a Russian who sells his crops to insurgent Russians who are at war with the Oligarchs. Marcus buys some of his seeds and grows delicious plants that he finds increase people’s IQ. He starts a food company. Names it BioScience.

· He sells his plants at farmers markets, in a storefront, in a building. His pal Walt develops recipes for the plants and sells them in his restaurant.

· In New Orleans, Russian Oligarchs set Ivan up to launder their millions of rubles. Ivan buys food maker LifeForce to disguise the laundering. His sales are low which limits the rubles he can launder for the Russians. They don’t like it.

· Marcus marries his high school sweetheart. Their daughter Marilyn grows up and majors in food manufacturing at UC Davis to help the company.

· Marcus and Ivan meet at a national food manufacturers meeting. Due to BioScience success, Marcus is voted food maker of the year. Ivan’s jealous.

· Ivan pays a Russian crook to sneak psychedelics into a batch of Marcus’ products.

· Consumers begin to hallucinate. One of them jumps off a cliff.

· Marcus and Walt replace the bad batch with good. All new product. BioScience finally recovers its sterling reputation.

· Ivan’s son Steve doesn’t know Ivan launders money. He enters UC Davis. Majors in food manufacturing hoping to help LifeSource succeed.

· Marilyn and Steve meet at Davis and fall in love. She learns of LifeForce’s problems. Offers to help.

· Mafia leans on Ivan for more ruble laundering. Warn him: It’s his last chance.

· Marilyn visits LifeTech. Ivan learns BioScience seeds are magic, sends Dimitri to work for them. He sends Ivan some of the BioScience seeds.

· Even with the magic seeds, Ivan and Steve can’t make LifeForce product that taste as good as BioScience’s.

· Dimitri tells Ivan Marcus gets his seeds from Igor’s farm. Ivan knows Igor supplies Russian insurgents who are at war with Ivan’s oligarchs.

· Ivan hires Russian crooks to attack and take over BioScience. Steve leaves early. Warns Marilyn and Marcus. Helps them get prepared.

· Ivan and Russians attack BioScience. Marcus and police defeat them. Ivan fights, wounds Marcus who defeats Ivan. Ivan escapes. Marcus dies.

· Steve, Marilyn and Boris push Marcus off onto the lake in a burning pyre, Viking funeral style .

· Steve and Boris go to New Orleans and kill Ivan.

· Marilyn and Steve are married and celebrate with friends in an Alaska park.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Synopsis Hooks – Updated

During this assignment, I learned if I set a timer I can write better stuff faster.

Title: MARS OR BUST Genre: Thriller – 1 Hour Pilot

Great news! Kate prepares to lead her crew to Mars to find signs of life. Bad News: On the eve of launch, a mysterious asteroid strikes and destroys her spacecraft.

Kate’s teenage daughter, clairvoyant Clare spots a drone shining a laser at the spaceship. Yells a warning. The crew exits the ship. An asteroid smashes into the spaceship. Enormous EXPLOSION.

Clare cheers! Mom won’t desert her. She fears when Kate leaves her dad Ed will abuse her. Kate feels guilty because she chooses not to believe Clare. She wants to discover life on Mars. Maybe win a Nobel Prize. Clare seduces a teacher to leave his family and protect her from Ed when Kate launches. Kate is devastated.

Good news! Kate’s ex-husband and NASA boss preps another spacecraft. Bad news: He wants Kate and crew to become miners on the Moon. Much more profitable than Mars science.

Ed orders Kate and crew mine the Moon for precious metals needed in all electronics. What the hell, Kate says.

During launch Moon rocket falls into the sea. Good News: Crew’s rescued. Bad News: Kate’s seriously injured.

Crew straps in to go on the Moon mission. Spaceship launches, loses power, slows, tilts over. Crew emergency capsule is jettisoned. Scuba divers rescue the crew. None are injured except Kate. She has a concussion and is in a coma. Clare is told there is only a 50-50 chance she’ll wake up.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Most Interesting Things

Doing this assignment, I learned how to maximize interest in story events.

Most interesting things in my script:

Surprise: General Ratkin abruptly orders U.S. troops out of Afghanistan which leaves the people at the mercy of the barbarous Taliban. This sets everything in motion.

Hero Scientist Sara seeks a cure for a disease killing her people and she’s embedded with and translates for the U.S. troops fighting the Taliban.

Villain General Ratkin abruptly orders U.S. troops out of Afghanistan and forces Sara to become his fiancé to help him be elected President.

Opening scene Hook: General Ratkin blackmails scientist Sara. He promises her asylum in the U.S. and a PhD so she can cure the disease if she becomes his fiancé so voters forgive him for deserting the Afghan people and elect him President.

Middle Turning Point: Back in the U.S. when Ratkin insists Sara marry him to help him be elected President, she refuses. He reports she’s a terrorist who plots to assassinate him. Sara escapes and finds her brother is the real terrorist.

Dilemma: Sara must choose between her true love Lt. Matt Brown or become the fiancé of General Ratkin who will get her a PhD she needs to find a cure for the disease.

Betrayal: When Ratkin kicks Sara’s brother off the last plane out of Afghanistan, he joins the Taliban and plots to kill Ratkin at his inauguration on the Capitol steps.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Drama Writing Sample Plan

During this assignment, I learned it’s satisfying to constantly improve my writing.

GENRE: Drama Mini-Series 1 hour Pilot

TITLE: TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD By Tom Wilson

Setup: Following US withdrawal from Afghanistan, Antagonist General RATKIN is unpopular because he pulled US troops out of Afghanistan so he could run for President. Ratkin blackmails Protagonist Afghan scientist SARA into marrying him so voters will forgive him for deserting the Afghans to be slaughtered by the Taliban. Sara, who’s popular in the US and seeks a cure for a disease killing her people, finally agrees to marry Ratkin so he’ll be elected President. Meanwhile Sara’s brother KARIM who joined the Taliban because he hates Ratkin prepares to kill him with a missile when he takes the Presidential oath of office on the Capitol steps. Sara’s true love, Lt. Matt Brown is tasked with protecting Ratkin but he hates him too.

INT. PENTAGON CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sara sits at the middle of a long table.

Abruptly Ratkin enters. Stands opposite her.

RATKIN

What’s it going to be?

Sara defiantly stares at him.

RATKIN

Marriage or Gitmo?

Sara smirks.

SARA

Marry you or vacation in a tropical Club Fed? It’s not really a choice.

RATKIN

You have 24 hours to decide smart.

Ratkin exits. The door remains open.

Sara steps into the hallway. No one’s around.

She makes her way out of the building.

Turning Point III

EXT. GUMBO TV SCREEN ON A STREET CORNER – NIGHT

A cold, windy night. Sara and Matt rush along a sidewalk.

An enormous electronic billboard shows a TV news report.

Video: At night an angry mob smashes store windows.

Distinguished Vice President Goodrich addresses a black mob.

A news anchor and commentator speaks to the camera.

ANCHOR

(on TV screen)

Presidential nominee Goodrich spoke to white supremacist rioters in Long Island last night.

Gritty video clip: Masked men wave torches,Confederate flags.

COMMENTATOR

Pretty sure he doesn’t live nearby.

Cut to new video: An uneasy Ratkin shakes hands at a rally.

ANCHOR

Election’s three weeks away. Ratkin’s poll numbers stink.

COMMENTATOR

If Goodrich wins there could be another insurrection. Pro-Ratkin.

SARA

(to Matt)

Bin said US democracy struggles. It must be preserved.

The light changes. Matt steps off the curb. Sara doesn’t.

She stares at the gargantuan TV screen. Matt rejoins her.

SARA

Ratkin’s a son of a bitch.

Matt studies her expression.

MATT

Oh, hell. You’re gonna do it.

EXT. STADIUM PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Ratkin’s security rams him through the crowd to his SUV.

FBI Agents Roderick and Carmichael are with him.

Sara’s behind a barricade.

Ratkin sees her. Stares. Makes his way over to her.

SARA

You could use some help.

Roderick and Carmichael recognize Sara. Rush at her.

SARA

First call off your dogs.

Ratkin holds up a hand. They back off.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE ROSE GARDEN – NIGHT

On his phone, National Security Adviser paces.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE
(over the phone)

He’ll do it.

NSA
But are you sure we want him to?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

He’s the only one we control.

NSA
But will he behave?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

We’re out of options.

EXT. PARTY HEADQUARTERS FRONT DOOR – DAY

Ratkin faces a wall of reporters and cameras.

REPORTER 1

And you’ll sunset Social Security?

Ratkin flashes his deer-in-the-headlights face at NSA.

NSA answers his phone. Listens to the Mysterious Voice.

Ratkin awaits a decision.

NSA blinks an imperceptible “No” at Ratkin.

Ratkin composes himself. Addresses the reporter.

RATKIN

Where’d you hear that? Hell, no!

Reporter 1 flips through his notebook.

REPORTER 1

Last week in Arizona, you said…

RATKIN

Get it straight. Social Security and Medicare stay.

Party chairman rushes forward.

CHAIRMAN

All we have time for. Thank you.

Angry mutterings from the reporters.

EXT. PUBLIC PARK PRESS CONFERENCE – DAY

Sara and Ratkin step from a limo.

Climb onto a platform behind microphones.

Crowd cheers and yells.

Cameras and reporters lean in.

SARA

I’m happy to say we’ll be married.

The crowd roars.

Ratkin grins. Clasps his fists over his head boxer style.

Sara has mixed feelings.

INT. – JAG OFFICE – DAY

National Security Advisor MITCH steps in. Shuts the door.

MITCH

That Ratkin matter.

Roderick and Carmichael exchange anxious glances.

NSA opens a file cabinet drawer. Gestures at file folders.

MITCH

I want to see it disappear.

More anxious glances.

MITCH

Now.

Roderick pops a file into a wastebasket. Lights it up.

Carmichael opens a window. Turns on a fan. Smoke exhausts.

Mitch grins. Exits.

Roderick flips through other file folders.

Holds up one labeled “Miscellaneous.”

Pulls out a photo taken over Ratkin’s shoulder.

On a computer screen naked toddlers race around a pool.

RODERICK

Hate them clerical errors.

Jones smirks.

INT. MORNING TV SHOW – DAY

Sara’s photo covers a wall behind a female news anchor.

ANCHOR

Sara’s become the poster child for the abandoned Afghan people.

Photo changes to Presidential poll numbers.

ANCHOR

Overnights like Ratkin over Goodrich.

INT. PARTY CONVENTION HALL – DAY

EX-PRESIDENT

From the great state of New Jersey, I nominate Arnold Ratkin. The next President of the United States!

The crowd howls. Claps wildly.

Ratkin is visibly moved.

Holds up Sara’s hand heavyweight-champion style.

She smiles with her mouth. Not her eyes.

EXT. CAPITOL BUILDING – NIGHT

Matt eyes the security cameras.

A plumbing van makes a U-turn in front of the steps.

Matt spots a laser beam FLASH from inside the van.

Van speeds up. Disappears around a corner.

EXT./INT. HOTEL PENTHOUSE – ELECTION NIGHT

A crowd mingles in and out of the patio doors.

TV screens show Ratkin vs Goodrich voting results.

Ratkin is ahead. Goodrich closes on Ratkin.

Three secret service men and one woman follow the results.

Agent Patel’s encouraged to see Goodrich’s numbers increase.

EXT. PRIVATE AIRPORT – DAY

A corporate jet taxis off the runway.

Sara’s mom Fazela in a wheelchair is lowered to the ground.

Sara is surprised to see her brother Karim accompanies her.

INT. KARIM’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sara pushes Fazela’s wheelchair inside.

Karim carries suitcases.

Unseen, Sara slips a listening device under a lamp base.

LATER

Sara and Fazela sip post-dinner tea at the dining table.

Karim rinses dishes in the kitchen.

SARA

Not sure what he’s up to.

FAZELA

He’s a good boy. He’ll behave.

EXT. DC ROOFTOP – NIGHT

Karim’s HANDLER eyes the distant Capitol steps with a scope.

Karim taps his earbud.

Keys the drone controller app on his phone.

A tone rings in his earbud.

The SWORD missile drone jerks. Doesn’t fire.

Keys it again. Crickets.

His handler screws a silencer onto his pistol.

KARIM

Can we talk about this?

HANDLER

You talked it to death. Literally.

KARIM

The Inauguration. He’ll be outside.

HANDLER

Also snipers who will cut you down.

KARIM

Miles off. SWORD precision targets.

HANDLER

What about your sis-boom-bah? She’s standing next to him.

Karim smiles.

KARIM

We were never close.

Karim isn’t as sure as he sounds.

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – NIGHT

Ratkin and Goodrich’s final Presidential debate.

50+ million global viewers are tuned in.

GOODRICH

You lie, cheat and steal.

Ratkin shakes his head. Grins.

RATKIN

There you go again.

INT. SARA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Sara and Matt watch the debate.

MODERATOR

(on the TV)

General, please wait your turn.

GOODRICH

You gave US weapons to Taliban who use them to kill Afghanis.

RATKIN

I told Lt. Matt Brown to destroy them. He disobeyed my orders.

INT. SARA’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Outraged, Matt leaps to his feet.

MATT

That lying sack of shit.

SARA

Remind me again why I’m helping him into the White House?

Matt keys his phone. Stamps around in a circle.

MATT

Colonel, I swear it never happened.

EXT. RATKIN’S HAMPTONS ESTATE – DAY

Lounging by the swimming pool, Ratkin mauls a Rubik’s cube.

Party chairman Chalmers fans a newspaper in his face.

CHALMERS

Reporters up my ying-yang. Want proof you gave orders to Brown.

Wearing only a bathrobe, a girl, who’s two years older than the 12-year-old Scotch she pours into Ratkin’s glass, smiles.

She offers Chalmers some. He shakes his head.

RATKIN

Damn. I forgot to record it!

Chalmers rolls his eyes.

RATKIN

What’s that mean?

CHALMERS

It’s definitely “he said, he said.”

RATKIN

You don’t believe me, do you?

CHALMERS

Anyone hear you talk to Matt?

RATKIN

You don’t believe me, do you?

Chalmers stares at him.

CHALMERS

Only a fictional person can hear a fictional conversation.

RATKIN

To make a good omelet. Someone’s got to die.

Climax

EXT INAUGURATION ATOP THE CAPITOL STEPS – DAY

Hundreds of millions of viewers tune in.

Dozens of VIPs await Ratkin’s swearing in.

Sara’s beside him behind the podium.

Ratkin speaks casually with a reporter in the crowd.

RATKIN

You said any damn fool can do the job. So why talk to me about it?

Other reporters snicker. Ratkin doesn’t get it. Grows angry.

EXT. DESERTED HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD – NIGHT

Karim and a hooded figure load a van with big canvas bags.

They hop in and pull out onto a two-lane highway.

Seconds later an ancient Honda four-door sedan follows.

EXT. OLD INDUSTRIAL BUILDINGS – DAY

Karim and companion climb an outside fire escape to the roof.

Matt peeks from the Honda. Pulls a long bag from the trunk.

EXT. BUILDING ROOF THREE MILES AWAY – DAY

Karim sights the Capitol steps through a spotter scope.

A WOMAN leaning on a walker wipes off a SWORD drone.

WOMAN

What happens when it lands?

KARIM

Blades pop out. Shreds the asshole.

WOMAN

No explosion?

KARIM

And no collateral damage.

Karim hoists the missile on his shoulder. Takes aim.

The woman steps away from her walker. Removes her hat.

We see the Woman is FAZELA, Sara and Karim’s mother.

She aims a UV laser light on a tripod at the Capitol steps.

Fazela uses a ultraviolet spotter scope to place the otherwise invisible laser beam onto Ratkin’s forehead.

She whistles.

Karim glances at her.

Fazela nods at an opposite rooftop.

Karim spots movement atop the building.

EXT. NEARBY BUILDING ROOFTOP – DAY

Matt aims a submachine gun at Karim.

EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP – DAY

Karim drops to his knees. Aims, fires his rifle.

EXT. OPPOSITE ROOFTOP – DAY

Matt hits the deck.

EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP – DAY

Karim raises SWORD drone. Aims at Ratkin. Pressures trigger.

Fazela shoves a silver dagger into his neck.

The missile fires.

She keys her cellphone. Turns laser off. Sees it’s too late.

EXT INAUGURATION ATOP THE CAPITOL STEPS – DAY

Sara eyes Fazela’s text.

SARA

RUN! You are doing to die. RUN NOW!

Everyone races in all directions.

Sara kicks Ratkin’s legs out from under him.

Falls on top of him behind the podium.

Patel jumps into Ratkin’s position. Searches the crowd.

The SWORD missile mulches Patel’s head.

BIG CRASH SOUND!

Jagged holes in the wall. Mangled sword blades everywhere.

FADE TO BLACK

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Key Business Decisions

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to improve my writing quality.

Current Status of my High Budget Script:

· Genre – Drama

· Title – TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD

· Concept – In order to get her PhD in the U.S. to find a cure for a disease killing her people, an Afghan scientist must marry the general who pulls U.S. troops out of Afghanistan and help him be elected President.

· Audience – Women and men above 25.

· Budget – $1M to $5M

· Lead Characters – A combat-trained scientist, Sara translates for U.S. troops fighting in Afghanistan so she can earn her PhD. A mysterious stranger forces General Ratkin to pull U.S. troops from Afghanistan. He’s later recruited to run for President.

· Journey / Character Arc – Attempting to save her people from a deadly disease, courageous scientist Sara must stop her research and marry a general to help him be elected President. At the end, she infiltrates the Taliban group who blackmailed the general to abandon the Afghans to the bloodthirsty Taliban, and sets up Navy Seals to kill Taliban leaders.

· Opening / Ending – Sara is forced to marry a U.S. general to help him be elected President so she can get a PhD and find a cure for a disease killing her people. In a surprise twist at the climax, she provides intel for a secret Navy Seal attack that kills the Taliban leaders at a meeting in Kabul.

Items that can be improved: Title, Audience, Budget, Journey.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

First Title: DJANGO UNCHAINED

Genre: Drama

During the 1850s, bounty hunter Schultz buys a slave named Django.

Schultz tells Django if he helps him capture some men, he will free him from slavery, provide money and a horse he can ride to a slave-free state.

Django says he must find and rescue his wife Broomhilda. Schultz says let’s partner up. He offers him a profit share and will help him rescue his wife.

They argue, finish their bounty hunting and search for Broomhilda.

They learn she was sold to cruel Mississippi plantation owner Von Shaft. Schultz and Django plot to rescue her.

They visit the plantation and discover Von Shaft’s savvy foreman Stephen is on to them and will make it difficult for them to rescue Broomhilda.

Dramatic Question – Will Django gain his freedom and find his wife?

Main Conflict – Django and Schultz vs Von Shaft and Stephen

Theme – Can we ever become completely free?

Dilemma – If Django travels North, he loses his wife. If he tries to rescue her, he could fail and become Von Shaft’s slave. Or worse, they will be killed in the attempt.

Second Title: THE REVENANT

Genre: Drama

In the 1820s, fur trapper Hugh Glass and teenage son Hawk travel with a group of men on a trip hunting animals for their pelts. Indians attack and kill several of them. Hugh Glass leads the group to reach an army fort. When Glass hunts food for the group, a bear attacks, brutally wounds him.

John Fitzgerald and John Bridger treat his wounds and look after him. The duo ultimately decide to desert him. They bury him alive.

Mortally wounded, Glass is left under their care. to abandon Glass, after burying him alive in a shallow grave. With great difficulty, Glass digs his way out and hikes rugged terrain to seek revenge on Fitzgerald for abandoning him and the death of his son.

Against all odds, Glass escapes the grave, sets out across the unforgiving wintry terrain seeking vengeance on John Fitzgerald for his betrayal, and the death of Glass’ son.

Glass will stop at nothing to catch Fitzgerald and avenge his son’s death.

Dramatic Question – Will Glass avenge his son’s death?

Main Conflict – Glass vs Fitzgerald

Theme – Frontier life is dangerous.

Dilemma – If Glass fails to kill Fitzgerald, he’ll never forgive himself vs If he succeeds, he must face an empty life without his son.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Specialty – Drama

Doing this assignment, I learned new ways to make my story interesting.

Genre: Drama

First Title: DJANGO UNCHAINED

How it delivered on the genre conventions:

Outline of the movie, highlighting the parts that fulfill the genre:

During the 1850s, bounty hunter Schultz buys a slave named Django.

Schultz offers Django a deal. If he helps him bounty hunt some men, he will free him from slavery, provide money and a horse which he can ride to a slave-free state.

Django says he wants to find and rescue his wife Broomhilda. Schultz says let’s partner up. He offers him a share of the profits and promises to help him rescue his wife.

They argue, finish their bounty hunting and search for Broomhilda.

They learn she was sold to cruel Mississippi plantation owner Von Shaft. Schultz and Django plot to rescue Broomhilda.

They visit the plantation and discover Von Shaft’s savvy foreman Stephen is on to them and will try to make it difficult for them to rescue Broomhilda.

Dramatic Question – Will Django gain his freedom and find his wife?

Main Conflict – Django and Schultz vs Von Shaft and Stephen

Theme – Can we ever become completely free?

Dilemma – If Django travels North, he loses his wife. If he tries to rescue her, he could fail and become Von Shaft’s slave. Or worse, they could be killed in the attempt.

Genre: Drama

Second Title: THE REVENANT

How it delivered on the genre conventions:

In the 1820s, fur trapper Hugh Glass and teenage son Hawk travel with a group of men on a trip hunting animals for their pelts. Indians attack and kill several of them. Hugh Glass leads the group to reach an army fort. When Glass hunts food for the group, a bear attacks, brutally wounds him.

John Fitzgerald and John Bridger treat his wounds and look after him. They later decide to desert him. They bury him alive.

Mortally wounded, Glass is left under the care of. The duo ultimately decides to abandon Glass, after burying him alive in a shallow grave. With great difficulty, Glass digs his way out and hikes rugged terrain to seek revenge on Fitzgerald for abandoning him and the death of his son.

Against all odds, Glass escapes the grave, sets out across the unforgiving wintry terrain seeking vengeance on John Fitzgerald for his betrayal, and the death of Glass’ son.

Glass will stop at nothing to catch Fitzgerald and avenge his son’s death.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Credibility is Going Up!

Doing this assignment, I learned I must redouble my efforts to improve my credibility!

In the next 30 days to increase my credibility, I will:

· Query producers and managers about scripts and writing assignments.

· Get help from other writers to ensure my writing sample delivers on genre and business decisions in a strong way.

· Enter contests to get Recommended

· Apply for coverage

Credibility Checklist

1. Your Writing Sample:

· Delivers on the genre in strong ways

· Delivers well on business decisions

2. Screenwriting Accomplishments:

Entered three contests. Got a semi-finalist.

3. Google Factor

When I Google my name, “Tom Wilson Screenwriter”

4. our Network

I have over 295 connections.

5. Education specific to screenwriting

ScreenwritingU Master Screenwriter Certificate program and the ProSeries

6. Credibility related to screenwriting

Wrote and produced television commercials

Tom’s LinkedIn Profile is Amazing!

Doing this assignment, I was surprised to find I can present myself on LinkedIn far better as a professional than I would have thought:

Tom Wilson, Screenwriter

Graduate school, ScreenwritingU ProSeries and Master Screenwriting
Class, Writers Guild Veterans program in which professional
screenwriters mentor veterans to write screenplays.

Foreign war veteran, helped design space missions at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, wrote and produced commercials.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Projects and Insights

Two projects I bring to the Class:

TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD
Genre: Thriller. Mini-Series Pilot. Budget: $1 — $5M. A. An Afghan scientist agrees to marry the U.S. general who ordered U.S. troops out of Afghanistan after he promises her a path to a PhD so she can find a cure for a disease killing her people.

QUANTUM LEAP
Genre: Thriller. Feature. Budget: $1 — $5M. When a mysterious asteroid destroys a spaceship about to launch a scientist to Mars to find if life exists there, the scientist’s NASA boss and ex-husband forces her to lead a mission to mine ore on the Moon.

The opening teleconference made me confident I could work well with producers.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Marketable Components

Doing this assignment, I learned how these suggestions inspire sales tips to sell my script.

Inspired by a true story — General pulls U.S. troops from Afghanistan so he can run for President. He discovers too late he’s being made to destroy American democracy and will pay a terrible price.

Timely – Hard driving female scientist Protagonist vs a sneaky general Antagonist who wants her to help him become President.

Unique – To earn a PhD so she can find a cure for a disease killing her people, an Afghani scientist must marry a general who needs her to help him be elected President.

Story is like MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE — a box office success.

Evil power brokers manipulate a weak general who becomes their puppet President.

Excellent roles— A disturbed general evil power brokers make their puppet President, and a brilliant Afghan scientist desperate to find a cure for a disease killing her people.

Logline – A scientist desperate to earn a PhD to save her people from a deadly disease must marry a general who runs for President.

Great Roles – the general transits from immoral weakling take responsibility for his actions.

A First – this show addresses Taliban cruelty exacted on Afghanis after U.S. troops withdraw.

Wide audience appeal — it roughly follows a recent Presidential administration

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Project and Market

Genre: Thriller

Title: TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD

Concept: A general abruptly pulls U.S. troops from Afghanistan and promises an Afghan scientist her PhD to find a cure for a deadly disease killing her people if she marries him to help him be elected President.

Story Attraction: A general battles a scientist he promised a PhD so she can find a cure for a deadly disease, if she marries him so voters forgive him for deserting the Afghans and vote him into the White House.

First, I will target managers who know producers who would seek my script.

What I learned today is this method is straightforward and simple!

[Tom Wilson]

I have written two screenplays.

I hope to obtain Writing Assignments.

I’m a foreign war veteran who helped design space missions at JPL, write screenplays and seek Writing Assignments.

I look forward to working and learning with all of you!

[Tom Wilson]

I agree to all the terms of the release form.

[Tom Wilson]

I have a Thriller and welcome any genre I can give you Feedback on. Please send me a PDF of your script. wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

Tom is a Proofreading Star!

Doing this assignment, I learned reading backwards makes it easier to spot errors.

I read my script backwards.

This enabled me to spot lines which felt wrong but I had overlooked!

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Wordsmithing!

My Vision: I see myself quick to suggest viable alternatives with excellent meaning when improving material while working with managers and producers.

Doing this assignment, I confirmed Descriptions and Actions are minimal.

I ensured there are no camera or actor directions

I removed extraneous adverbs and adjectives.

I upgraded five verbs. Below are two I feel really good about:

· Carries – totes, transfers, palms

· Checked – inspected, investigated

I upgraded five nouns.

I used no parentheticals and didn’t overdo punctuation.

I allow no widows or orphans.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Wordsmithing!

My Vision: I see myself quick to suggest viable alternatives with excellent meaning when improving material while working with managers and producers.

Doing this assignment, I confirmed Descriptions and Actions are minimal.

I ensured there are no camera or actor directions.

I removed extraneous adverbs and adjectives.

I changed five verbs. Below are two I feel really good about:

· Carries – totes, transfers, palms

· Checked – inspected, investigated

I changed five nouns.

I used no parentheticals and don’t overdo punctuation.

I allow no widows or orphans.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Has Tested Every Line!

Doing this assignment, I learned when it comes to dialogue, less is always more.

The biggest changes were made when I improved this scene:
Before:

Sara answers her cellphone. Thrilled Matt called.

SARA
Hello, Matt!

MATT

He’s on his way over.

SARA

Not again! Did you tell him we’re seeing each other.

MATT

He’d just transfer me to Timbuktu.

SARA

What’s that?

MATT

Just an expression. I have to grin and bear it.

SARA

That’s not as easy for me.

MATT

Gotta go.

Call ends. Sara pockets her phone.

After:

Sara answers her cellphone. Thrilled Matt called her.

MATT

He’s on his way over.

SARA

You didn’t tell him about us.

MATT

He’d transfer me. Gotta go.

Call ends.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom has Amazing Dialogue

My Vision: I am quick to suggest alternative approaches when a problem arises working with producers.

Doing this assignment I learned a deadline helps to narrow my focus.

I elevated dozens of lines. Here’s an example:

Summary: Karim fails to launch a sword drone that will kill Ratkin who campaigns to become President.

Original:
Karim’s handler stands behind him. Screws a silencer onto his pistol.

KARIM
You can’t be serious.

HANDLER
I have my orders.

KARIM
When he’s sworn in. I’ll get him then.

HANDLER
Snipers will kill you on sight.

KARIM
We’ll be miles away. Powerful spotting scope.

HANDLER
Your sister will be standing next to him.

KARIM
So what.

Elevated:
Karim’s handler stands behind him. Screws a silencer onto his pistol.

KARIM
Can we talk about this?

HANDLER
You’ve been talking it to death.

KARIM
He’s gonna win. The Inauguration. He’ll be outside.

HANDLER
The snipers everywhere will cut you down.

KARIM
We’re miles away. The new targeting device will be ready by then. Sword drone can do this from miles away.

HANDLER
What about your sis-boom-bah? She stands next to him.

Karim smiles.

KARIM

No Hay Problema.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Has Incredible Monologues!

My Vision: I quickly give producers workable alternatives to fix a problem.

Doing this assignment, I learn to think faster on my feet.

Scene Setup: General Ratkin demands Afghan scientist Sara become his fiancé so American voters will forgive him for abruptly pulling US troops from Afghanistan so he could be run for and be elected President.

RATKIN
Never will you get a golden opportunity like this—a free ride to get your PhD. You find a cure for the disease that kills your people. Research in a clean lab. No more dirty shacks. Work with the best trained people.

SARA

Your free ride out of what you call our shithole country means you no longer bugger our kids. When I agree to be your fiancé, Afghans will hate me more than they hate you for leaving them to be killed by the Taliban. But US voters elect you President! What’s more important after all?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom is great at Subtext Pointers!

My Vision: Working with producers, I’ll be quick to suggest excellent solutions to problems.

Doing this assignment, I suggest many ways to describe the situation.

General Ratkin wants Afghan scientist Sara to be his fiancé so voters will overlook the fact he deserted the Afghans and elect him President.

RATKIN

I get winning election results.

You get a free ride to your PhD.

SARA

Metaphor: I’m your arm candy fig leaf. You’re an instant hero.

Implication: If I put up with you, you can’t be too bad to lead the American people.

Insinuation: You bet I’m so desperate, I’ll stoop so low as to pretend to love you.

Hint: Is buying people off the only way you get what you want?

Sarcasm: Why is it my skin and not yours in your game?

Allusion: I can only hope you don’t win, so I can get my life back.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Loves Covering Subtext

My Vision: When working with a producer, I come up with viable alternatives to improve projects.

Doing this assignment, I learned to think like both sparring characters.

EXT. RATKIN’S HAMPTONS ESTATE – DAY

Lounging by the swimming pool, Ratkin mauls a Rubik’s cube.

Party chair Chalmers waves a newspaper in his face.

CHALMERS

Reporters are up my ying-yang. Want proof you gave orders to Brown.

Wearing nothing but a bathrobe, a girl two years older than the 12-year-old Scotch pours into Ratkin’s glass.

She offers Chalmers some. He shakes his head.

RATKIN

I didn’t record our conversation.

Chalmers rolls his eyes.

CHALMERS

I wonder why.

RATKIN

What’s that mean?

CHALMERS

It’s definitely “he said, he said.”

RATKIN

You don’t believe me, do you?

CHALMERS

Anyone hear you talk to Matt?

RATKIN

You don’t believe me, do you?

Chalmers stares at him.

RATKIN

Only a fictional person can hear a fictional discussion?

RATKIN

If you make good omelets somebody has to die.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Loves Anticipatory Dialogue

My Vision: I’m quick to write brilliant alternatives that improve material I’m developing with a producer.

Doing this assignment, I learned to project fears and good times into the future to build audience interest.

EXT. WALTER REID HOSPITAL FRONT DOORS – DAY

A worker places a speaker’s podium that faces the crowd.

Reporters and TV camera people take positions on the steps.

President Ratkin propels the wheelchair he sits in out the door.

His head is bandaged. DOCTOR and NURSE flank him.

Two Secret Service AGENTS flank them.

Reporters, camera people jam the front steps.

RATKIN

I’m gonna be fine.

REPORTER

When’s he get out?

Ratkin glances left and right.

RATKIN

She’ll be along directly.

REPORTER

So, Doc, how long you give him?

DOCTOR

Give who what?

REPORTER

POTUS won a four year term. What’s
the warranty on your surgery?

Doctor looks at his watch. Reporters chuckle.

DOCTOR

Just kidding. We expect he’ll be around for quite a while.

REPORTER

Did he pay you to say that?

DOCTOR

Not enough to listen to your shit.

He spins the wheelchair around. The doors open.

REPORTER

Whatcha doing? We just got here.

Nurse shoves the wheelchair over the threshold. Ratkin nearly bounces out of the chair.

REPORTER

She must be Nurse Ratched!

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Loves Anticipatory Dialogue

My Vision: I’m quick to write brilliant alternatives that improve material I’m developing with a producer.

Doing this assignment, I learned to project fears and good times into the future to build audience interest.

EXT. WALTER REID HOSPITAL FRONT DOORS – DAY

A worker places a speaker’s podium facing the crowd.

Reporters and TV camera people take positions on the steps.

President Ratkin propels the wheelchair he sits in out the door.

His head is bandaged. DOCTOR and NURSE flank him.

Two Secret Service AGENTS flank them.

Reporters, camera people jam the front steps.

RATKIN

I’m gonna be fine.

REPORTER

Where’s your new bride?

He glances left and right.

RATKIN

She’ll be along directly.

REPORTER

So, Doc, how long you give him?

DOCTOR

Give who what?

REPORTER

POTUS won a four year term. What’s
the warranty on your surgery?

Doctor looks at his watch. Reporters chuckle.

DOCTOR

Just kidding. He’ll be around for quite a while.

REPORTER

Did he pay you to say that?

DOCTOR

Not enough to listen to your shit.

He spins the wheelchair around. The doors open.

REPORTER

Whatcha doing? We just got here.

Nurse shoves the wheelchair over the threshold. Ratkin nearly bounces out of the chair.

REPORTER

She must be Nurse Ratched!

[Tom Wilson]

Tom loves Attack / Counterattack Dialogue

My Vision: Come up with viable ideas when working with a producer.

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun when characters joust:

EXT. WALTER REID HOSPITAL FRONT DOORS – DAY

Head bandaged, President Ratkin holds a press conference in a wheelchair.

His DOCTOR and NURSE stand on either side of him.

A mob of reporters, cameras crowd the front steps.

RATKIN

I’m gonna be fine.

REPORTER

Where’s your new bride?

He pretends to notice Sara isn’t with him.

RATKIN

She’s still around.

REPORTER

So, Doc, how long you give him?

DOCTOR

Give who what?

REPORTER

POTUS is elected to a four year term.
What’s the warranty on your work?

DOCTOR

He’ll be 100% in no time.

REPORTER

Did he pay you enough to say that?

DOCTOR

Not enough to listen to your shit.

He spins the wheelchair around. The doors open.

REPORTER

Whatcha doing? We just got set up.

The nurse shoves the chair over the threshold.

Ratkin nearly bounces out of the chair.

REPORTER

She must be Nurse Ratched!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Dialogue Structures

My Vision when working with a producer on a project is to suggest better and better ways to improve a scene.

Doing this assignment, I learned there’s never enough conflict in Dialogue.

Summary: Commander of US troops in Afghanistan, General Ratkin wants sex with Sara, an Afghan scientist. In exchange she will pursue a PhD asylum program in the US to find a cure for a disease that kills her people.

EXT./INT. RATKIN’S KABUL ROOF TOP PENTHOUSE SUITE – NIGHT

Sara exits the elevator.

Sparse city lights are visible for miles in all directions.

A military policeman speaks into the intercom.

A young woman rushes out the door towards the elevator.

In a silk robe, Ratkin appears at the door. Yells at the MP.

RATKIN

N-e-x-t!

He spots Sara. Oh my God! Why’s she here?

Sara rushes in.

He grimaces at the MP. Follows her inside.

She slaps documents on the table. Drops onto the sofa.

SARA

I will interpret for you when I get into a PhD program.

His eyes lick her body. He crashes on the sofa beside her.

She moves away.

He hops closer. She waves the contracts at him.

RATKIN

Let’s celebrate.

SARA

What’d you have in mind?

RATKIN
How about some quid pro quo?

SARA

How about some quo, pre-quid?

She hands him a pen. Flips to signature pages. He signs.

He puts his hand on her thigh.

She twists his arm. Rolls him onto the floor.

Straddles him crotch to crotch.

His whole body rumbles. His eyes pop. He gasps.

She shakes her head. Climbs off him.

SARA

Fast start. Speedy Gonzales finish.

She moves to the door.

Ratkin staggers to his feet. Lumbers after her.

[Tom Wilson]

ET SEEDS – Feature – Drama with Thriller Elements

Tom’s Elevated Dialogue

My Vision: I come up with brilliant ideas when working on a project with a producer.

Doing this Assignment, I learned it’s fun to improve each principal characters’ lines one at a time.

I rewrote dozens of lines for the two principals. Here are some favorites:

Protagonist Phil:

Raising John’s Job #1. Only when
he’s ready to launch you ease up. Capiche?

Give him enough rope. He might just hang himself.

Too much. Nothing. I ain’t selling.

Antagonist Randy:

Did you forget your gunsel?

You aren’t a Russki?

Fix it now. Capiche?

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Elevated Interest

ET SEEDS – A drama with thriller elements

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s easy to rewrite an old scene.

Scene 1: Added internal dilemma that will haunt the hero throughout the story.

Scene 14: Stan challenges Phil. Accuses him of faking the sprouting plants.

Scene 16: Morris accuses Phil of being a drug dealer.

Scene 20: Another student wants him to work for his company. Phil: no thanks!

Scene 22: Marge asks Phil for a job. Phil: Stay home, care for our child.

Scene 23: Morris screws up. He can’t be fired, he’s the boss’ dad.

Scene 25: At a food conference, Phil’s shocked to find Randy stole his seeds.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

<div>
Added a second Assignment in error.</div><div>

</div>

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Elevated Emotion!

My Vision: While working with producers, I suggest plausible alternatives to solve project problems.

Doing this assignment, I learned how quick and easy it is to add emotion to a scene.

· Scene 1 Essence: Morris strikes his son Phil because he doesn’t feed them enough protein.

How Intensified: Phil sheds a tear. He fears Morris will beat him again.

· Scene: 6 Essence: Plane speeds down the highway.

How Intensified: Plane nearly has a head-on collision with a pickup truck.

· Scene 7 Essence: Bush plane’s engine quits in mid-flight

How Intensified: Phil crawls out on fuselage and fixes it before it crashes.

· Scene 9 Essence: Phil and Stan taste weird plants they find at the mountain top lake.

How Intensified: They go on a wild, hallucinating trip.

· Scene 12 Essence: Bear confronts Abe. Abe feeds it plants.

How Intensified: Bear hallucinates, face plants into the lake.

· Scene 14 Essence: Plants sprout from mysterious seeds.

How Intensified: The plants sprouted from the
seeds overnight.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Dramatic Reveals!

My Vision: I’m able to quickly come up with plausible alternatives that improve projects I work on with producers.

Doing this assignment, I learned to dope out better reveals much easier than I thought I could.

Demand – BioPulse employee is shot as workers exit at quitting time.

Revealed – Randy and Russians ambush BioPulse employees.

Dramatically – They’re being fired upon from a rooftop.

Demand – Abruptly in mid-flight the plane’s engine stops.

Revealed – Plane’s engine stops mid-flight. Phil crawls out onto fuselage, opens engine compartment, restarts engine. Returns to cabin, continues flight.

Dramatically – Doesn’t have to land to fix the engine!

Demand – Bear confronts Abe in his vegetable garden.

Revealed – Abe offers him tomatoes. He eats them. Becomes stoned.

Dramatically – Use hallucinatory plants to subdue a dangerous bear.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Loves Character Depth!

Vision: Being flexible – Working with a producer, I quickly come up with viable alternatives to upgrade the material.

Doing this assignment, I learned I must dig deep into each character to make them more interesting.

Changes I made using these tools to elevate my characters:

· I had Ben change his major to agriculture to help his dad with his new company.

· Phil and Stan fly to mountain top lake and bring back more produce.

· Phil won’t let Marge work at the company because he wants her to raise John.

· Phil knows his folks don’t work hard. It’s bad for company morale.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom is Cliché Busting!

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to make scenes less generic and more interesting.

Script Changes

Cliché: Plane has engine trouble but pilot is able to land it safely

New Version: Pilot fixes plane engine during the flight

Cliché: People take new medicine and get better overnight.

New Version: Sleepless night people scared new med won’t work. Then it finally is okay.

Cliché: Bear chases man. He feeds bear. It stops chasing him.

New Version: Man hides behind trees, feeds bear food. Finally bear calms down.

Cliché: Pilot crawls out on wing. Fixes engine. Saves plane from crashing.

New Version: Bad storm throws plane around. Pilot fixes engine. Barely survives. Lands safely.

Cliché: At Climax, the Protagonist shoots and kills the Antagonist.

New Version: During Antagonist’s backyard party. 100s of friends. From an airplane Protagonist fires a missile at the Antagonist. He runs from the missile. Dives into his swimming pool. Missile hits him. He explodes into bloody chunks.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Solved Character Problems!

My Vision: When working a project with a producer, I quickly generate viable alternatives.

Doing this assignment, I learned I can make any scene better by adding action.

I added more action to scenes with the Protagonist and Antagonist.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Structure Solutions!

My Vision: When working with a producer, I quickly create viable alternatives.

Doing this assignment, I learned how to detail scenes so they play better.

Script Improvements:

Made Inciting Incident more understandable by describing each step more clearly.

Heightened conflict in early scenes.

At Midpoint Turning Point clarified action plan.

Made Climax more understandable.

Added needed details to Resolution.

Beat Sheet

I – Seeds discovered

EXT – RV ENCIRCLED BY FRUITS AND VEGGIES GROWING IN A FIELD – Day

Phil’s a poor hi school kid in Alaska. Mean parents on welfare. He grows veggies & fruit to feed them.

His dad shows his razor strap. Demands more protein. “Why don’t you go fishing?”

EXT – Barn full of dirty junk – Day

Phil and his pal Stan prep & fly Stan’s grandfather’s old bush plane to a lake atop a mountain.

EXT – BUSH PLANE FLIES UP THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN – Day

Stan flies them toward lake. Engine quits. Phil fixes it while they fly. Takes over as pilot.

EXT – BUSH PLANE LANDS ON LAKE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN – Day

Phil lands the pontoon plane on the mountain top lake. The fish. See a meteor. Camp out in a tent.

EXT – OVERNIGHT CAMP NEXT TO THE LAKE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN – Day

That night a tiny robot collects Phil’s DNA & climbs in a mysterious drone which drops off a canister.

In the morning Phil finds mysterious seeds inside the canister.

He plants some of the seeds beside the lake.

EXT – BUSH PLANE FILES UP THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN – Day

They fly back to the village.

EXT – RV AND GREEN YARD IN A FIELD – Day

Phil plants the mysterious seeds around the RV. Builds greenhouses.

EXT – RV AND GREENHOUSE – Day

Practically overnight, the seeds sprout exotic fruits and vegetables.

INT. RV SUPPER TABLE – NIGHT

His parents find them delicious. Phil sells them at a farmers mkt.

EXT – TABLE IN RV YARD WHERE PHIL MIXES HIS SHAKES – Day

They make a sample batch. Hand out free samples. Everyone loves it.

Inciting Incident

EXT – VILLAGE TOWN SQUARE – Day

People’s ailments heal overnight after eating produce grown from the seeds.

EXT – BUSH PLANE FLIES UP THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN – Day

Phil and Stan return to the lake.

EXT – LAKE ATOP MOUNTAIN – Day

Phil and Stan gather more seeds, fly home. A small creature begins to form beside the canister.

Phil’s replicant, Abe is born. Grows rapidly. Puts fruit n veggies out for Griz [a huge grizzly bear] who eat em up.

EXT – STORE FRONT – BUILDING – DAY

Phil does so well he moves into a storefront, then a building.

EXT – LAKE ATOP MOUNTAIN – Day

At the lake, Griz confronts and chases Abe who jumps in a grove of tight trees. Feeds Griz fish he caught. Griz eats literally out of Abe’s hand. Grows tame. They learn to cooperate.

EXT – BUILDING – DAY

Phil skips college. Keeps growing the company he calls BioPulse.

EXT – BUILDING – DAY

Stan earns a ChemE at Berkeley. Phil hires him to develop health products from the seeds.

EXT – CHURCH – DAY

Phil marries Marge, who gives birth to John. Stan marries Esther and they have Mel.

EXT – PHIL’S HOUSE – NIGHT

BioPulse is wildly successful. Phil works day and night. Marge feels neglected.

EXT – NEW BIOPULSE BUILDING AND GREENHOUSES – DAY

Company prospers. Phil builds a new building and more greenhouses. The produce sells nationwide.

EXT – BIOPULSE PICNIC – DAY

They start having company picnics on weekends.

EXT – MIT GRADUATION – DAY

Phil and Marge celebrate John’s graduation. Phil wants him to computerize BioPulse.

EXT – VILLAGE SQUARE – Day

15 years after Phil sold the seeds, people who eat the produce no longer feel better. Phil’s stupefied.

EXT – LAKE ATOP MOUNTAIN – Day

At the lake, Abe receives Phil’s vibe. Cleans himself up. Waves at an overhead drone.

II – Midpoint Turning Point

A drone drops off Abe. Applies for a job. Resembles Phil. Can’t talk. Sketches. Brings a new load of untainted seeds. Makes good products. Susan teaches him English. Saves BioPulse. Stan is jealous.

EXT – BERKELEY GRADUATION – DAY

Stan’s son Mel gets a Berkeley chem degree. Goes to work for BioPulse competitor LifeSci in San Diego. Mel brags BioPulse’s rapidly expands. LifSci founder Randolf hates Phil for putting him out of biz.

EXT – BERKELEY GRADUATION – DAY

Home for the holidays. Phil offers Mel a job using LifeSci experience to fix BioPulse’s operation. He reunites with Susan he dated in high school but left her in the lurch when the left home for college.

Mel gives Randolf notice. Quits to work for BioPulse. Randolf is pissed he’s leaving to work for Phil.

Randolf makes a flashy entrance at the company picnic. Offers to buy BioPulse. Phil says no.

Randolf sends his man Baxter who’s an evil meanie to work for BioPulse and steal their secrets. Baxter applies for a job. References Mel, who vaguely remembers him and doesn’t blackball him.

Baxter learns the seeds come from the lake. He goes there seeking them for LifeSci.

Griz corners him. Is about to kill him. Abe rescues him. Takes him back to BioPulse.

Phil and Mel get the whole story out of Baxter: Randolf’s on the rocks. Phil won’t sell so he will bring Phil & BioPulse down with him. They continue to employ Baxter. Big mistake!

Phil attends a national dietary food conference.

Randolf confronts Phil abt competition. Steals some of his seeds. Grows them into produce he sells.

Baxter goes to Phil’s house and appears to look like Phil, seduces Marge who thinks Phil’s making love to her for the first time in decades.

When Phil returns, Marge seduces him. Phil suspects she had a fling with Abe.

At the convention, Phil found that the national market demands more seed varieties.

Abe tells Phil they can get more seed varieties at the lake. They fly there.

It’s an arduous flight through a big storm. They camp overnight. A drone drops a new batch of seeds.

Phil has John keep an eye on Baxter. They see him use a phone booth to make a call.

Randolf orders Baxter to drug the seeds to sabotage BioPulse.

Baxter eats raw seeds. Grows more EVIL.

Baxter sneaks a hallucinogen into the new batch of shakes.

Everyone who tastes it mellows out.

DNA changes kick in, townies are aggressive. Sheriff locks up worst ones.

Doc seizes the bad batch and keeps victims under observation till they dry out.

Overnight BioPulse acquires a bad reputation.

Phil buys local non-magic-seed produce and convinces everyone to take it. They get better.

Again Randolf arrives with a fat offer. Phil says no.

Baxter morphs to resemble Phil. Seduces, thrills Marge. He thrills, seduces her.

Baxter’s a demon. Gets Marge preggers. Marge’s in love with him. Considers running off with him.

Believes Abe did it, Phil clobbers him. Doc & Susan treat his wounds. Disc he has Phil’s DNA.

Susan tells Phil everyone knows it was Baxter who slept with Marge. Not Abe.

III – Fight to the death – Climax

Phil confronts Baxter. They fight.

Baxter’s about to kill Phil. To save him Abe appears to be him. Baxter stabs him. Marge runs from the room. Rushes back in with a silver knife. Kills Baxter. Abe dies of his wounds.

IV – Sad farewell – Resolution

Phil, Marge, Mel, Grace, John and Susan place Abe on a funeral pyre on the raft.

They put Abe on funeral pyre on the raft. Griz runs up. Jumps on funeral pyre beside Abe.

Mel and John fire a drone. Shreds Randolf during his 50th bday party w/100 guests at mansion. On fire he jumps into his Olympic size swimming pool.

Randolf dies a horrific death.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Continuing Act 3

My Vision: When working with a manager or a producer, I shall be quick to respond to viable alternatives so I am the Go-To guy who will help them get to a producible script they will love me for.

Doing this assignment, I continue to see how my speed and imagination are improving.

It goes well for me. I’m mastering valuable writing skills.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Has Finished Act 4!

My Vision: Be a reliable writer a manager and producers trust to do the job.

Doing this assignment, I learned to persevere when the going is tough.

The going is good: I’m getting getting faster finding solutions.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Continues Act 4

My Vision: To be a reliable writer who comes up with viable alternatives quickly.

Doing this assignment, I learned things don’t just fall into place. They must be setup and paid off realistically.

The more of these exercises I do, the easier they are.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Started Act 4

My Vision: I see myself responding quickly to all producer requirements.

When working on a project with managers or producers, my vision is to be fast on my feet coming up with great alternatives.

Doing this assignment, I learned there is a certain cause and effect rhythm to how these scenes are written.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Finishing Act 3

My Vision: Able to suggest viable ideas when working a project with a manager or a producer.

Doing this assignment, I found I had more clever ideas the faster I wrote.

It goes much smoother the more I do these exercises.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Began Act 3

My Vision – Coming up with viable alternatives when working with producers.

Doing this assignment, I learned to stop dilly-dallying and get on with it!

I’m getting used to moving forward faster.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Completed Act 2

My Vision: Produce viable alternatives on short notice when working a Project with a Manager and Producers.

During this assignment, I learned I can work faster than I ever thought possible.

I discovered mixing and matches events in my outline is a quick and easy way to strengthen my structure and make writing my script bullet proof because I’ve overcome major hurtles.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom is Continuing Act 2

My vision is to quickly come up with viable alternatives when I work with a manager and producers.

The more I work on this script, the better it is and the the more I’m motivated.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Began Act 2

My vision is to be quick on my feet to suggest viable alternatives quickly.

Doing this assignment, I learned that the more I work on this script the better it gets and the more I’m motivated to finish it.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Finished Act 1

Tom’s Vision: When working a project with a producer, I’m quick to suggest viable alternatives.

Doing this assignment, I learned I don’t have to dither. I can write faster than ever.

At this stage, I’m letting myself write fast. It’s liberating!

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Next Act 1 Scenes

My Vision: When doing a project with a producer, I quickly come up with workable solutions.

Doing this assignment, I learned I can quickly do a rough draft from the outline and look forward to improving it later.

I find that writing this way is exciting.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Act 1 First Draft Part 1

Tom’s Vision: Working projects with producers, I quickly suggest exciting ideas to improve the material.

Doing this assignment, I learned I am able to write faster when I’m on a timer.

I find using High Speed Writing Rules is a real shot in the arm to get me moving quickly through the material.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s High Speed Writing Rules

Vision: Working with producers I’m quick to suggest clever alternatives for a project.

Doing this assignment, I got better at adding lively gems to the scene.

Title: ET SEEDS

Genre: Drama with Thriller elements

Concept: Extraterrestrial DNA upgrades the population of a small Idaho town with mixed results.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s First Scene

Vision: When improving a project with producers and/or managers, I quickly suggest interesting, viable ideas.

Using this process, I found it easier than I thought possible to write quickly.

Title: ET SEEDS

Genre: Drama with Thriller elements

Logline: Extraterrestrial seeds upgrade the DNA of people living in a small Idaho town with mixed results.

During this assignment, I learned the more I follow this procedure the easier it is to write fast.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Feedback available:

My revised outline needs your input. Please send your Outline PDF to wilsontomj@gmail.com and I will reply with mine.

Thanks,
Tom

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Scene Requirements

When I discuss projects with producers, I’m quick to come up with viable examples.

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to plot out the script in such a short time.

Title: E.T. SEEDS – Drama – Thriller

Act 1 Teaser Fire fight in Afghanistan, John pulls his wounded pal Mel to safety. Mel’s agitated. Babbles words in an ET language John’s baffled by.

EXT. AFGHANISTAN VILLAGE – NIGHT

US and Afghan troops battle Taliban. John rescues Mel who’s wounded. Mel spouts ET language.

Essence: Mel’s wounded and spouts an unknown language.

Conflict: Afghan war fire fight.

Subtext: John hopes to save his wounded pal.

Hope/fear: We hope John save Mel. Fear they will both be killed.

EXT. FIELD HOSPITAL – DAY

Surgeon operates on Mel. Removes a high-tech pod from him. Mel once again speaks English.

Essence: Mel is saved but what’s with the pod?

Conflict: John’s concerned that surgeon will save Mel.

Subtext: John is shocked. What the hell is the pod?

Hope/fear: We hope Mel will be okay. We fear he could die from his wound.

Opening
EXT. SMALL IDAHO TOWN – DAY
John brings Mel to their hometown. Mel’s dad Phil takes Mel in a wheelchair to the medical center in his BioPlus supplement manufacturing company.

Essence: Mel is home. Phil takes care of his son.

Conflict: John didn’t expect Mel’s dad would take him away so quickly.

Subtext: John is lost for a moment. Goes home to his parents.

Hope/fear: John hopes he and Mel will adjust to civilian life. Fears he won’t keep busy.

EXT. BIOPLUS – DAY
Essence: Stan greets his son John. Stan says Mel must be isolated. Says he doesn’t know about the pod. John knows better. Stan takes Mel into company medical center

Conflict: John vs Phil – quickly takes Mel inside

Subtext: Phil says he doesn’t know about the pods. John’s sure he does.

Hope/fear: John hope Phil won’t harm Mel.

EXT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

John visits SUSAN, who’s deputy sheriff
Essence: She’s pissed bec he didn’t write. Wouldn’t commit.

Conflict: John vs Susan repair damages

Subtext: He didn’t propose. She wants him to commit.

Hope/fear: She hopes he will; fears he won’t

EXT. / INT. JOHN’S HOUSE – DAY

John & Stan review pictures of John and Mel playing football in high school, etc.
Essence: His mom is worried he might not survive Afghanistan War

Conflict: What he wants from him vs his career

Subtext: Mom hopes John will stay home. Not go back to Afghanistan.

Hope/fear: Hopes he’ll stay and not go.

EXT. / INT. MEL’S HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT

John shows Mel pod he carried. Mel remembers nada since the fire fight. Phil confronts them..
Essence: Phil confronts John who snuck in to see Mel.

Conflict: Phil wants to tell them the truth vs afraid they won’t believe him.

Subtext: Phil has covered up the truth for too long. Wants to tell em everything.

Hope/fear: Phil hopes they’ll understand and can move forward. Fears they won’t and he can’t.

EXT. BIOPLUS – DAY
Essence: Phil persuades John to use his chemical bkgrd to find new products for BioPlus

Conflict: John is torn between staying or leaving.

Subtext: He fears Susan doesn’t want to marry him.

Hope/fear: We hope he’ll hook up w/Susan; fears he won’t

EXT. BIOPLUS GREENHOUSE – NIGHT

Phil tells his life story. How he started BioPlus.

Essence: Phil tells John how it all began

Conflict: John suspicions about Phil vs Phil needs to prove he knows what’s best for Mel

Subtext: Phil wants to convince John he’s altering Mel to make him better

Hope/fear: John fears Phil will ruin Mel. Hopes he won’t.

Turning Point 1

EXT. PHIL’S NARRATIVE TO JOHN OF HIS CHILDHOOD IN A TRAILER IN WOODS – DAY

Phil grows produce, cooks for no account parents. His dad beats him just for fun.
Essence: Behind trailer, Phil grows weird produce de seeds. Mom and Dad are lousy parents

Conflict: Phil vs odds of getting ahead from his lowly starting place

Subtext: Feeds produce to parents. They don’t die. For the 1^st time his dad mellows out

Hope/fear: We hope he succeeds; fear he’ll be defeated

EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP LAKE – DAY
Essence: Phil fishes ET canister while fishing for his family. Opens canister. It fires off a radio signal.

Conflict: Phil vs the mystery of the ET container

Subtext: It contains smthg amazing or smthg that could destroy mankind

Hope/fear: Phil hopes it’ll make him money. Fears it won’t

Act II New Plan

EXT. PHIL’S TRAILER – DAY
Essence: Phil plants the seeds and grows unusual fruits and vegetables.

Conflict: Phil vs Dad

Subtext: Phil feels these plants could be the key to something magical and profitable

Hope/fear: Phil hopes to do smthg amazg w/the seeds. Fears his Dad will make him did them up

INT. PHIL’S TRAILER – NIGHT
Essence: Phil cooks dinner new veggies. Parents are suspicious. When they do, they like em.

Conflict: Phil vs dad who always picks on him

Subtext: Phil uses them as guinea pigs to see if it affects them the way it helped him

Hope/fear: Fears they will reject the produce. Hopes they’ll like them as much as he does

EXT. FARMERS MKT – STOREFRONT – DAY
Essence: Phil sells produce in farmers mkt, storefront. Establishes his BioPlus brand.

Conflict: Phil amazed how people like the produce vs public health officials who find nada bad abt it.

Subtext: Is it mankind’s salvation or will it destroy life on Earth?

Hope/fear: Phil hopes he’ll be successful. Fears he won’t.

Plan in Action
EXT. FARMERS MKT – ESTABLISHES BIOPLUS – DAY
Essence: Phil tells his folks he’s doing BioPlus not college. Sets up BioPlus in old bldg.

Conflict: Phil fulfilling his vision vs Parents who want him to get a high paying job & support them.

Subtext: He must convince them his vision is muy successful way to go.

Hope/fear: Parents hope he wins this long shot. Fears he won’t.

EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP LAKE – DAY
Essence: Phil sees another meteor. Visits lake. The 2nd canister 3D prints out Abe.

Conflict: Phil feels he’s losing his mind vs giving the ET canister a chance to prove itself

Subtext: Is this something amazing or will it destroy mankind?

Hope/fear: Phil hopes it’ll somehow make him successful. Fears it won’t

EXT. BIOPLUS IS A BIG SUCCESS – DAY
Essence: It’s so successful, BioPlus can’t fill all its mail order business

Conflict: Phil wants John to dev new product faster vs John who cautiously tests each one.

Subtext: If Phil can convince John of future success, w/them working together sky’s the limit

Hope/fear: Phil hopes John is a superior person who will help him succeed. Fears opposite.

EXT. BIOPLUS MOVES INTO NEW BLDG – DAY
Essence: Ribbon cutting. Phil introduces Abe who sketches he’s happy to meet them. Susan dubs him “Abe” bec he looks like Lincoln. Rosen hates him.

Conflict: Phil and Abe vs Rosen who hates Phil for putting Abe ahead of him.

Subtext: With this team working together, the sky’s the limit on what BioPulse can do!

Hope/fear: Rosen hoped to be promoted. Now fears he’ll never get ahead at BioPlus.

EXT. BIOPLUS PICNIC – NIGHT
Rosen and good old boys drink booze. Rosen sarcastically parodies Phil talking about Abe.

Essence: Rosen hates Phil, is jealous of Abe.

Subtext: Rosen can never get ahead

INT. TV STUDIO – NIGHT

Phil and Abe overnight sensation on business shows. Spock-like Abe sketches responses.

Essence: Phil comes across like a quirky genius. Another Steve Jobs. Abe’s his dry straight man.

Conflict: Phil and Abe vs Rosen who feels bad again

Subtext: Abe adds a new dimension to BioPlus

EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT
Rosen buys LSD from hooded stranger.

ENT. BIOPLUS – NIGHT
Essence: Rosen comes in early. Laces new product batch with LSD.

Conflict: Rosen needs to get even vs his better angels tell him he’s making a big mistake.

Subtext: This is Rosen’s only chance to beat out the others and get back closer to Phil

Hope/fear: Rosen hopes he get back into Phil’s better graces. Fears he’ll be shut out for good.

Midpoint Turning Point 2
EXT. EMPLOYEES MOB SCENE OUTSIDE BIOPLUS – DAY
Essence: Employees consume latest batch of product. Are abruptly stricken.

Conflict: Phil stands by his product vs John who proves it contains LSD.

Subtext: Phil knows he must overcome this problem or BioPlus is destroyed.

Hope/fear: Phil hopes John is wrong. Fears John is never wrong.
Act III Rethink Everything
New Plan
Turning Point 3: Huge Failure / Major Shift
The new formula is a failure. John convinces Phil they must throw out the contaminated batch.

INT. GREENHOUSE – LAB – NIGHT
John & Abe work late. Abe spots LSD vial hidden in a trash can. Knows Rosen ruined the batch.

Conflict: John vs Rosen

Subtext: Rosen is a saboteur.

Hope/fear: John hopes Rosen won’t do any more harm. Fears he will.

INT. GREENHOUSE – LAB – NIGHT
John, Phil and Abe work late. John makes a new batch that’s better than ever.

Conflict: Good PR vs bad PR

Subtext: If John doesn’t pull this off, BioPlus is dead.

Hope/fear: John hopes he can make it work. Fears he can’t.

INT. GREENHOUSE – LAB – DAY
Rosen sneaks a bomb in and arms it to go off later. Exits with other employees end of shift.
Conflict: John vs Rosen

Subtext: Rosen wants to destroy BioPlus because he can’t succeed.

Hope/fear: Rosen hopes he gets away with it. Fears he won’t.

INT. GREENHOUSE – LAB – NIGHT
Bomb explodes late at night. Abe is injured. Firemen put out fires.
Conflict: John vs Rosen

INT. GREENHOUSE – LAB – DAY
Next morning all hands clean up the mess.

INT. BIOPLUS DISPENSARY – DAY
Phil uses the hologram machine to repair Abe. Next day at work Abe tells Rosen, “I know you did it.”

EXT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Employees line up. They’re all sick again.

INT. GREENHOUSE – LAB – DAY
Phil rushes in, samples the batch, keels over and dies.

INT. GREENHOUSE – LAB – NIGHT
Employees leave for the day. Abe follows Rosen to his house.

INT. GREENHOUSE – LAB – DAY
Next morning Rosen doesn’t appear for work.

EXT. RAVINE BESIDE TWO LAND HIGHWAY – DAY
Rosen’s found dead. His car ran off the two-lane into a ravine. His car is hauled out.

EXT. TRAIL UP TO THE LAKE – DAY
John, Mel and Abe carry Phil to mountain top lake.

EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP LAKE – NIGHT
John and Abe carry Phil to the lake. Lashed logs together into a boat. Place Phil on a pile of wood. Set it afire. Push it out on the lake. Abruptly Abe swims out. Jumps onto the funeral pyre with Phil.

John launches it. Abruptly leaps on it. Joins Phil in the funeral pyre.

Funeral pyre sails across the lake.

Resolution

EXT. CHURCH MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR PHIL – DAY
Towns people exit service for Phil who sacrificed himself to save the towns people.

EXT. NEW GREENHOUSE – DAY
Workers finish construction. John rescues new seeds. Prepares a new blend of benevolent dietaries.

EXT. TOWN WATER WORKS – NIGHT
John puts new product he’s developed into the town drinking water.

EXT. CHURCH – DAY
Sunday morning: Everyone arrives cooing about feeling the best they have in a long time.

John, Susan, close friends and family pray.

John and Susan marry

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Intriguing Moments

While discussing projects with producers, I suggest several viable alternatives.

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to turn any scene into multiple Intrigues.

Act I

Intrigue – Why does Mel spout and ET language?

Intrigue – Stan suspects Phil of something & secretly surveils his BioPlus activities.

Intrigue – Tells John he has to be in isolated till further notice.

Intrigue – Phil won’t comment on the pod found inside Mel.

Cover up – Why did Phil say he didn’t know about the pod removed from Mel?

Covert – What’s in the vial Rosen buys from hooded figure in the alley?

Secret – John secretly analyses supplements townies take. Detects LSD.

Scheme – John finds the vial w/LSD. Rosen must have used it to dope the townies.

Turning Point

Act 2 Plan

Mystery – Phil reels in ET hi tech container. Holds mysterious pod. Sends encrypted radio signal.

Mystery – Seeds yield weird vegetables. Tastes them. Feels positive physical benefits.

Intrigue – Phil flashes on the mountain top lake. John & Mel leave. Phil hikes up to the lake.

Plan in Action

Mystery – Produces a hologram that resembles him. Hologram morphs to life. Names him Abe.

Intrigue – Abe communicates by drawing insightful sketches. Illustrates their words.

Midpoint Turning Point

Act 3 Rethink Everything

New Plan

Mystery – John and Phil can’t believe how rapidly the plants grow from new seeds.

Turning Point: Huge Failure / Major Shift

Mystery – Abe pours LSD into the pod.

Act 4 Climax

Resolution

Mystery – Abe gets on the raft. Jumps into the fire. Joins Phil in the flames.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Emotional Moments

When working with producers and changes must be made, I prepare a list of imaginative solutions.

Doing this assignment, I learned a lot by highlighting the emotion as the characters experience them.

Title: E. T. SEEDS

Emotional Moments

Act 1

Surprise: Both Navy Seals John and Mel are amazed when Mel, who was wounded in a fire fight in Afghanistan, shouts words even he doesn’t understand.

Excitement: When John and Mel are at football practice, they horse around on the playing field.

Success: John and Mel are among the Seal school graduates celebrating after the formal ceremonies.

Act 2

Emotional Dilemma: Does Phil dare touch the container? It’s like nothing ever seen before on Earth.

Excitement: Phil can’t believe how unusual, how magical the seeds are

Courage: Phil can’t believe he’s seeing the hologram morph into a person who walks around.

Act 3

Excitement: They can’t believe how healthy the plants look and how rapidly they are growing.

Distress: Phil and John are overwhelmed at the extent of the damage. They rebuild around the clock.

Act 4

Love: John forgives Susan for not believing in him.

Distress: Phil dies. John and Mel are in tears.

Grief: When John and Mel lay Phil’s body on the raft, they are numb with sorrow.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Reveals

My Vision: I wow producers with clever insights when alternatives are needed to fix the project.

Doing this assignment, I learned how well I can pull the audience in with clever setups and reveals.

Setups and Reveals:

New Outline – A BETTER DAY

Act 1 Teaser Fire fight in Afghanistan, John pulls his wounded pal Mel to safety. Mel’s agitated. Babbles words in a language John’s never heard before. Setup 1.

Mel’s treated for his wounds. The surgeon retrieves a med dispensing pod Setup 2 from his thorax.

Opening John and Mel grow up together in a small Idaho town. Mel’s dad Phil is CEO of BioPlus pharma which sells supplements developed from plants.

Mel takes the supplements and is in top shape. Mel and Stan play football in high school.

John’s dad, Stan a chemist has been Phil’s right-hand man since he started the company years before.

After college, John and Mel try out for and become Navy Seals.

Flash Forward: John accompanies Mel back from Afghanistan. Mel’s dad Phil moves his son into his pharma’s dispensary. BioPlus employs most of the town’s people.

John’s parents are glad their son returned safely.

John hooks back up with Susan, a deputy who works for her dad, the sheriff.

John asks Phil to visit Mel. Phil puts him off. Needs time to heal. Won’t comment on the pod.

John sneaks in. Asks Mel about the pod. Mel: Don’t mention it. It makes Phil angry. Setup 3

John, who majored in chemistry, goes to work developing supplement products from mysterious plants grown in greenhouses. He searches for and finds some of the mysterious pods found in Mel.

Phil congratulates John for developing supplements that energize people. Foreman Rosen is jealous.

Rosen gets Phil to let him assist John who trains him. Rosen doesn’t work out. Returns to his job as foreman. Rosen blames John. Swears revenge.

That night Rosen hands cash to a hooded man in a dark alley in exchange for a vial. Setup 4.

Rosen talks up a strike to the employees. They disagree. Feel Phil treats them well. Rosen gets angry.

Rosen pours liquid from the vial into a fresh batch of product. Reveal 4

Inciting Incident A nervous crowd lines up outside the doctor’s office. The doctor treats them for hallucinations. They’ve all taken the supplements which pep them up to work harder.

John analyses the supplements they take. He detects tiny amounts of LSD. Setup 5.

Phil tells John he can’t see Mel yet because ‘‘he’s undergoing tests.”

John searches the plants included in the products. He samples some he’s never seen before.

He finds the vial with LSD. Discovers Rosen must have used it to make the bad batch. Reveal 5

Turning Point John sneaks in and visits Mel, who’s drugged up and barely conscious. John flushes out Mel’s system. They confront Phil with the LSD. Phil tells them a story.

Act 2 New Plan Phil grows up poor. Lives in a trailer. Grows food beside the trailer to survive. Catches fish in a mountain top lake. Makes a surprising discovery: a high-tech container which he hooks and pulls ashore.

He opens it and finds a mysterious pod. Reveal 2

The container fires off a radio signal. Inside are seeds he takes home, plants, cultivates.

They yield unusual fruits and vegetables. Samples them himself. Feels positive physical benefits.

Phil bottles, sells the health supplements at the farmers market. Most people react favorably. Return for more. He graduates high school. Skips college. Rents a storefront. Sets up BioPlus.

Phil builds a dietary manufacturing company, BioPlus. His first employee is Stan who sets up the books. Computerizes the operation.

Phil senses something. After John and Mel leave, he hikes up to the mountain top lake. Fishes out another container. Inside is a machine that lasers Phil’s body. Produces a hologram that resembles him. Abruptly the hologram comes to life. Stretches. Walks about. Phil names him Abe because he resembles Lincoln.

Abe can’t talk. He communicates by drawing insightful sketches. When they speak Abe illustrates their words. Reveal 1

He sketches the development of the seeds and the pod’s design. Setup 6

John and Mel contemplate what they should do next.

Abe illustrates how the pod found in Mel’s thorax works. Reveal 6

They agree to meet Phil in the morning.

Plan in Action Phil sensed something. After John and Mel leave, he hikes up to the mountain top lake. Fishes out another container. Inside are more seeds.

Midpoint Turning Point

That night Phil processes the new seeds.

Abe communicates to Phil he must toss the old stuff.

Phil offers everyone the blend from the new seeds. Everyone likes the new batch.

Act 3 Rethink Everything Next morning Phil and John mix and match the new seeds.

New Plan John and Phil agree on a new working formula. They’re back in business.

Turning Point: Huge Failure / Major Shift A bomb destroys the new batch. Phil’s wounded and in pain. Abe pours LSD from the vial into the pod. Reveal 3

Phil takes a sip and loses the pain. Setup 7

Climax John fights Rosen. Defeats him. Turns him over to the sheriff.

Sheriff arrests Rosen for setting off the bomb. John forgives Susan for not believing in him.

Abe tends to Phil who’s dying. Abe fills the pod from the vial. Phil sips from the pod and dies. Reveal 7

Resolution John rescues some of the new seeds. Prepares a new blend. Passes it around to Mel, Susan and the sheriff. They all agree it tastes good.

That afternoon, John, Mel and Abe carry Phil’s body to the mountain top lake.

As the sun goes down, Abe fashions a raft from logs. They place firewood on the raft.

The ceremoniously lay Phil’s body on the firewood.

Mel sets the wood ablaze.

John launches it off into the middle of the lake.

Abruptly Abe leaps into the water. Gets on the raft. Jumps into the fire. Joins Phil in the flames.

The funeral pyre drifts across the lake.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Action Tracks!

When I discuss projects with producers, I quickly suggest excellent solutions.

Doing this assignment, l learned it’s exciting to see how quickly I can move through the beats.

My Beat Sheet:

Title: A BETTER DAY

Genre: Drama – Thriller

Concept: A scientist battles a pharma CEO to save a town from alien drugs that enslave them.

ACT 1: Taliban ambush Navy Seals Protag John and Mel who is wounded.

John saves his life. When John carries Mel to a field hospital. He’s amazed when Mel spouts an unknown language. Behaves violently.

A surgeon operates. Finds a mysterious med-dispensing pod in Mel’s body.

John accompanies Mel home to their small town in Idaho.

Mel’s father Antag Phil, BioPlus pharma CEO cares for him in the company’s private medical facility.

Phil forbids John to visit him.

John discovers Phil implanted the pod in his son’s body to learn how alien drugs affect him.

John who’s a chemical engineer goes to work for BioPlus, where flamboyant Phil is CEO.

John develops products the pharma can manufacture from unearthly seeds Phil found.

John’s dad Stan heads production. He’s Phil’s right hand man.

Rosen is a troublesome foreman who supervisors the pharma’s workers.

Abe, who has an encyclopedic knowledge of the strange seeds, is a valued assistant to Phil. John reunites with his sweetheart Susan, who is her father the Sheriff’s deputy.

Inciting Incident One day after work, John is surprised to find Mel asleep in the backseat of his car. When he wakes him up, Mel becomes dangerously violent.

John calms him down. Mel says he escaped. Says Phil wants to find the mix that made Mel violent so he can feed it to the towns people so they can fight the coming invasion of ETs who sent the container.

John calls the sheriff to report this. Phil persuades John to hang up and explain.

Flashback Phil grows up poor who grew food so his family could eat beside their trailer.

Atop a mountain he finds a strange box floating in the lake. Inside are hermetically sealed ET seeds.

A machine downloads a hologram of Abe, a humanoid figure who resembles Phil.

Phil intros new employee Abe to Phil and Mel. He doesn’t speak but sketches to communicate.

Lead worker Rosen doesn’t trust Abe. He’s jealous. Fears he’ll lose his position to this newcomer.

Turning Point 1 Towns people behave weird. Rosen blames Abe and fights with him. He threatens to unionize the workers.

Act 2 New Plan John insists Phil let him examine the seeds the products are made from.

John insists they must remove the pod from everyone who has one. Everyone’s system is flushed.

Plan in Action People continue to act weirdly, Rosen blames Abe. Abe blames Rosen.

John locks himself in the control room. Sends a command to dump all pod contents. Cold turkey.

Everyone goes crazy. Starts fighting among themselves.

Midpoint Turning Point Total failure. Towns people lay siege to BioPlus. End is nigh.

Act 3 Rethink Everything John and Mel hike to the lake and find seeds that have begun to sprout.

New Plan The grind them up. Distribute the blend among the town leaders who respond favorably.

Everyone consumes the new batch.

Turning Point Huge Failure / Major Shift Everyone reacts poorly. John discovers Rosen sabotaged the batch.

Overnight John mixes up a clean batch.

Nobody wants to take it. John accuses Rosen of sabotage. He denies it. John offers him some of the sabotaged batch.
Rosen refuses to swallow it. The sheriff arrests him.

Everyone takes the new batch. It saves the day.

Act 4 Climax / Ultimate expression of the conflict Rosen and Phil attack John and Mel.

John and Mel battle Phil and Rosen.

At the last minute, Abe mortally wounds Phil. He saves John and Mel.

Phil sucker punches Abe. Abe and Phil go at it. Finally, Abe mortally wounds Phil. John, his parents, sheriff and Susan and Abe gather around for Phil’s death bed scene. Not a dry eye in the house.

John, Mel, Abe and employees carry Phil’s litter up to the mountain lake.

Abe fashions a raft out of logs. Sets an altar with Phil’s body on top. Sets it on fire. Shoves it out toward the middle of the lake. Follows and jumps into the flames.

As the sun goes down, everyone says a prayer as the funeral pyre glides across the lake.

Resolution All pods are removed from the towns people. John and Susan are married. John and Mel start manufacturing genuinely good dietary products.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s New Outline Beats!

When discussing projects with producers, I suggest wild scenes that work.

Doing this assignment, I learned a clever way to “fill in” the plot.

Title: A BETTER DAY

Genre: Drama – Thriller

Concept: A scientist battles a pharma CEO to save a town from alien drugs that enslave them.

ACT 1: Taliban ambush Navy Seals Protag John and Mel who is wounded. John saves his life. When John carried Mel to a field hospital, he’s amazed when Mel spouts an unknown language and behaves violently. When Mel’s operated on, a surgeon finds a mysterious med-dispensing pod in Mel’s body. At their service ends, John accompanies Mel home to their small town in Idaho. Mel’s pharma CEO father Phil cares for him in his private medical facility where Phil forbids visitors even John who discovers his dad Antag Phil implanted the pod in his son’s body to learn how alien drugs affect him.

John who’s a chemical engineer goes to work for BioPlus, where flamboyant Phil is CEO. John seeks products the pharma can manufacture from unearthly produce BioPlus cultivates. John’s dad Sam runs production and is Phil’s right hand man. Rosen is a troublesome foreman who supervisors the pharma’s workers. Abe, who has an encyclopedic knowledge of the strange seeds, is an awkward assistant to Phil. John reunites with his sweetheart Susan, who is her father the Sheriff’s deputy.

Inciting Incident One day after work, John is surprised to find Mel asleep in the backseat of his car. When he wakes him up, Mel becomes dangerously violent. When John calms him down, Mel says he escaped. He’s tired Phil runs tests to determine the effects of the unusual meds the pod dispensed in his body.

John calls the sheriff to report this. Phil arrives and persuades John to hang up. Phil explains he grew up poor who grew food so his family could eat beside their trailer. One day he hiked to the lake atop a mountain to fish when he founds a strange box floating. Inside he found hermetically sealed exterritorial seeds. The container downloaded a hologram of Abe, a humanoid figure who resembles Phil.

Turning Point 1 Towns people behave weird. Rosen blames Abe. Threatens to unionize.

Act 2 New Plan John fights with Phil to do something. Phil lets John examine pod samples. John insists they cleanse everyone’s pod. Everyone’s pod is sanitized. Loaded with natural stuff.

Plan in Action People revert to weird behavior. Abe blames Rosen. Rosen blames Abe.

John locks himself in the control room. Sends a command to dump all pod contents. Cold turkey.

Everyone goes crazy. Starts fighting among themselves.

Midpoint Turning Point Total failure. Towns people lay siege to BioPlus. End is nigh.

Act 3 Rethink Everything John and Mel hike to the lake and find seeds that have begun to sprout.

New Plan The quickly grind them up and distribute them among the town leaders. They respond favorably. The rest of the people agree to use the new batch.

Turning Point Huge Failure / Major Shift Everyone reacts poorly. John discovers Rosen sabotaged the batch. They quickly reverse and get the original pristine produce activated in everyone. Saves the day.

Act 4 Climax / Ultimate expression of the conflict Rosen and Phil attacks the others. Abe saves John and Mel at the last minute.

Resolution Abe jumps on Phil’s burning pyre and sails out on the lake. All pods are removed from the towns people. John and Susan are married. John and Mel start manufacturing genuinely good dietary products.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Fascinating Scene Outlines!

Tom’s Vision: While working a project with a producer, I quickly suggest viable solutions.

Doing this assignment, I learned I can work faster than ever before!

Title: ET SEEDS

Genre: Drama – Thriller

Concept: Extraterrestrial seeds and an alien humanoid upgrade humans in a small town.

Outline

1. EXT. / INT. TRAILER PARK – DAY

Young Phil’s obese, alcoholic parents barely function. They live on welfare. Beginning in grade school, he cooks and serves them their meals.

2. EXT. FAMILY TRAILER – DAY

To save money, he grows vegetables and fruit around their trailer on the edge of a small Idaho town.

Inciting Incident

3. EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP LAKE — Young Phil’s dad complains he’s tired of eating just fruits and vegetables. Orders Phil to start fishing. So, 12 year old Phil hikes up to the lake.

He fishes for bass. Sleeps over on the side of the lake. He’s awakened by a huge meteor that soars overhead. A drone glides overhead. Drops an unusual canister near him. Phil opens the canister. A high speed radio burst transmits and encoded signal.

When he feels pain in his hand, Phil discovers a sharp metal blade cut away a patch of his skin, folded into a tiny rocket which launches straight up. Inside the canister he finds containers of weird seeds.

4. EXT./INT. FAMILY TRAILER – DAY

He carries the seeds home. Plants them in his garden. Rapidly seeds yield abundant fruits and vegetables he’s never seen before.

Phil tastes the produce. Favorable results. Keeps notes. He’s smarter. Mental math, memory improve.

He feeds them to his parents who instantly like them. They’re healthier and start to repair their lives.

5. EXT. FARMERS MARKET – STOREFRONT – DAY

Phil sells his products at the farmers market, skips college, moves into a storefront.

He needs more space. Moves into an old building.

6. EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION – DAY

When he graduates from high school, Phil is valedictorian. He announces he’ll pick up the tab for anyone in his class who wants to go to college. And they are all welcome to take a job at BioPulse.

7. EXT. BIOPULSE BUILDING – DAY

A new BioPulse factory is built. Phil’s first employee is Stan, a ChemE by trade. Stan’s son John, and Mel grew up together.

8. EXT. BIOPULSE BUILDING – NIGHT

John gets a degree in chemistry at UC Berkeley. Goes to work for a San Diego life science outfit. One holiday he’s home visiting his parents. Mel, who majors in computer science at MIT, also visits.

Stan tells John, BioPulse needs someone to develop new products from their magical seeds.

9. INT. BIOPULSE BUILDING – DAY

John goes to work coming up with new products. He develops versions BioPulse markets to improve mental skills and treat specific diseases and disabilities.

Phil’s son Mel also returns when he finishes his degree. Goes to work for BioPulse. Computerizes company systems. Streamlines marketing directly to the public.

BioPulse is successful. Everyone has fantastic results using the products. Employs the whole town.

Phil hires his football colleague Rosen as supervisor. To elevate his position with the workers Rosen hints they can make more money and get better healthcare if they form a union.

10. INT. PHIL’S HOUSE – DAY

Phil works night and day. Seldom home. Neglects his wife. Relieved to learn Rosen sleeps with her.

Rosen pressures the workers to vote to form a union. They workers say no. They like Phil.

Feel they don’t need one. Rosen is angry.

Turning Point

11. EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT

Rosen purchases a bottle of something from a hooded man.

12. INT. BIOPULSE – NIGHT

Rosen puts LSD in the next batch of product.

13. EXT. DOWNTOWN – DAY

Next day, half the town is hallucinating. They line up outside the doctor’s office.

14. INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

The doctor and his assistant Susan take blood samples. Detect the LSD. Treat everyone ASAP.

15. INT./EXT. BIOPULSE BUILDING – DAY

Phil, John and Mel are aware the culprit is Rosen. Will deal with him later.

They haul batches of product out to the dumpster.

Midpoint Turning Point

16. EXT. BIOPULSE – NIGHT

Phil walks home. Abruptly a huge meteor streaks across the sky.

17. EXT. MOUNTAIN TRAIL – NIGHT

Phil leads John and Mel up to the mountain top lake.

18. EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP LAKE – DAY

As trio approaches the lake, a drone flies in, hovers above them. Drops a canister. Flies away.

Inside are new seeds. A machine lasers Phil’s body. His laser data is used to assemble a hologram of Phil’s double who comes to life. Phil 2 can’t speak. He sketches to communicate.

19. INT. BIOPULSE – DAY

Back in the lab, John analyzes the new seeds. Finds changes in chemical makeup. First fruit and vegetables grown are even more unusual than those in the first canister.

He discovers microscopic beads embedded in the leaves secrete a substance that upgrades human DNA. The new batch has adapted Phil’s tissue the first rocket snatched and flew away with.

John asks Phil about the scar on his hand he got when the first canister arrived. John speculates the new batch of seeds are oriented to do better at upgrading people’s DNA because somehow the sample of Phil’s DNA was optimized to more efficiently complement Phil’s tissue.

Phil, John, Mel, Stan and Abe work day and night to make product based on the new seed batch.

They go into high gear developing dietary supplements that have amazing results. Save people from the effects of diabetes, obesity and other ailments.

John works night and day to develop product from the new seeds. The fruits and vegetables grow fast. Early sample tests are amazing. People who sample the new product come back for more.

20. INT. BIOPULSE PICNIC – DAY

When Phil introduces hologram-originated humanoid to the towns people, everyone is charmed.

Susan quips, let’s call him “Abe” because he resembles Abraham Lincoln.

21. INT. BIOPULSE – DAY

Competitors want to buy BioPulse products, processes and company. Phil says no. Does due diligence. Sues when others steal his patents and trademarks.

Turning Point

22. INT. BIOPULSE – NIGHT

Rosen sneaks into assembly line room. Pours liquid into the latest batch he knows Phil will sample first thing in the morning before production begins.

23. INT. BIOPULSE – DAY

Half an hour later, Phil enters. Samples each container. Signs off on them. Goes to his office.

Employees enter. Distill the new batch into the bottles for distribution.

LATER
Phil doesn’t appear for lunch in the cafeteria. Mel goes to his office. Finds Phil unresponsive.

The doctor arrives with Susan and finds Phil is dead.

Abe goes out to the production line. Tells Rosen he knows he did it. Rosen exits.

24. EXT. BIOPULSE – DAY

When no one’s looking, Abe tails Rosen out of the parking lot.

Follows Rosen home. On a hairpin curve in the road, Abe’s car pushes Rosen’s car over a cliff.

Climax

25. EXT. MOUNTAIN TRAIL – DAY

John, Mel and Abe carry Phil to the mountain top lake. Tie logs together to make a barge. Cut firewood they pile on the barge.

Place Phil atop the wood. Mel sets the wood ablaze. All three push off the barge.

Abruptly Abe hops on and throws himself on the fire with Phil.

The fire grows larger. The barge glides out into the center of the lake.

Resolution

26. EXT. CHURCH – DAY

John and Susan marry and start a family.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s New Outline Beats!

When discussing projects with producers, I suggest wild scenes that work.

Doing this assignment, I learned a clever way to “fill in” the plot.

Title: A BETTER DAY

Genre: Drama – Thriller

Concept: A scientist battles a pharma CEO to save a town from alien drugs that enslave them.

ACT 1: Taliban ambush Navy Seals Protag John and Mel who is wounded. John saves his life. When John carried Mel to a field hospital, he’s amazed when Mel spouts an unknown language and behaves violently. When Mel’s operated on, a surgeon finds a mysterious med-dispensing pod in Mel’s body. At their service ends, John accompanies Mel home to their small town in Idaho. Mel’s pharma CEO father Antag Phil cares for him in his private medical facility where Phil forbids visitors even John who discovers his dad Antag Phil implanted the pod in his son’s body to learn how alien drugs affect him.

John who’s a chemical engineer goes to work for BioPlus, where flamboyant Phil is CEO. John seeks products the pharma can manufacture from unearthly produce BioPlus cultivates. John’s dad Sam runs production and is Phil’s right hand man. Rosen is a troublesome foreman who supervisors the pharma’s workers. Abe, who has an encyclopedic knowledge of the strange seeds, is an awkward assistant to Phil. John reunites with his sweetheart Susan, who is her father the Sheriff’s deputy.

Inciting Incident One day after work, John is surprised to find Mel asleep in the backseat of his car. When he wakes him up, Mel becomes dangerously violent. When John calms him down, Mel says he escaped. He’s tired Phil runs tests to determine the effects of the unusual meds the pod dispensed in his body.

John calls the sheriff to report this. Phil arrives and persuades John to hang up. Phil explains he grew up poor who grew food so his family could eat beside their trailer. One day he hiked to the lake atop a mountain to fish when he founds a strange box floating. Inside he found hermetically sealed exterritorial seeds. The container downloaded a hologram of Abe, a humanoid figure who resembles Phil.

Turning Point 1 Towns people behave weird. Rosen blames Abe. Threatens to unionize.

Act 2 New Plan John fights with Phil to do something. Phil lets John examine pod samples. John insists they cleanse everyone’s pod. Everyone’s pod is sanitized. Loaded with natural stuff.

Plan in Action People revert to weird behavior. Abe blames Rosen. Rosen blames Abe.

John locks himself in the control room. Sends a command to dump all pod contents. Cold turkey.

Everyone goes crazy. They fight among themselves.

Midpoint Turning Point Total failure. Towns people lay siege to BioPlus. End is nigh.

Act 3 Rethink Everything John and Mel hike to the lake and find seeds that have begun to sprout.

New Plan The quickly grind them up and distribute them among the town leaders. They respond favorably. The rest of the people agree to use the new batch.

Turning Point Huge Failure / Major Shift Everyone reacts poorly. John discovers Rosen sabotaged the batch. They quickly reverse and get the original pristine produce activated in everyone. Saves the day.

Act 4 Climax / Ultimate expression of the conflict Rosen and Phil attacks the others. Abe saves John and Mel at the last minute.

Resolution Abe jumps on Phil’s burning funeral pyre and sails out on the lake. All pods are removed from the towns people. John and Susan are married. John and Mel start manufacturing genuinely good dietary products.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Beat Sheet – Draft 1

My Vision: When I discuss projects with producers, I come up with workable solutions. I’m thought of as someone who can come through for them in a pinch.

Doing this assignment, I learned this method really gets my creativity juices flowing.

Genre: Drama / Thriller

Act 1: John learns about BioPlus’ strange dietary supplements.

John PJ 1: Chemical engineer John brings Mel home. Goes to work at BioPlus.

Philip AJ 1: Mel’s dad whisks his son away to his company dispensary.

Deeper Layer: Philip doesn’t want John to know he implanted pods in everyone.

Inciting Incident: He discovers towns people are not well. Phil says he wants to fix it.

Turning Point 1: Philip AJ 2 discovers where Phil put pods in everyone.

Act 2: John learns about BioPlus’ strange dietary supplements.

Philip AJ 2: Examines the chemistry of all the ET seeds.

Turning Point 2: John PJ 1: Discovers Rosen has been putting toxins in the products.

Act 3: John discovers some of the ET seeds are toxic. Phil explains supplements and Abe.

Philip AJ 1: Takes positive steps. Filters out toxins.

John PJ 1: Chemically removes all traces.

Turning Point 3: Philip AJ 2 Discovers where Phil put pods in everyone.

Act 4: John optimizes supplement benefits. Says bye to Phil and Abe.

Philip AJ 1: Sobers up form the ET seeds he’s been binging on.

John PJ 1: Realizes he’s been wrong about Marian all along and begs her forgiveness.

Climax: Mel forgives Phil. Abe fights, kills Rosen

Resolution: John PJ 1: Takes over BioPlus. He and Marian marry.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Deeper Layer!

Vision: When I discuss projects with producers, I suggest viable examples of how to improve it.

Doing this assignment, I learned how quickly and easily I can write in a deeper layer.

Surface Layer: Phil sells a product that makes everyone feel better

Deeper Layer: The product is alien in origin and has harmful effects

Major Reveal: A girl sees monsters and crashes her tractor into a barn

Influences Surface Story: Aliens returns to collect their pods

Hints: John notices Phil never takes any of the product

Changes Reality: John realizes Aliens, not Phil is responsible for the toxin.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Supporting Characters

My Vision: While discussing projects with producers, I come up with viable alternatives.

Supporting Characters: Sam – John’s father; Marge – John’s fiancé; Roger – town mayor

Background Characters: Towns people;

Support 1:

· Name: Sam

· Role: John’s father and research mentor

· Main purpose: Help John find the toxin.

· Value: Enables him to save the towns people.

Support 2:

· Name: Marge

· Role: John’s fiancé

· Main purpose: John’s love interest and cop who adds muscle when needed.

· Value: Gets John information and back up when he needs it.

Support 3:

· Name: Roger

· Role: Town mayor and John’s pal from school

· Main purpose: Roger represents towns people.

· Value: Thermostat of the people tells John what he can get away with and what he can’t.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Structure

When I discuss projects with producers, I list several possible alternatives.

Doing this assignment, I learned to get better at fleshing out interesting characters.

Protagonist John

Beginning: Pals John and Mel fight Taliban in Afghanistan.

Inciting Incident: John discovers an e-pod in Mel’s body.

Turning Point 1: He announces towns people might have embedded pods.

Act 2: He analyzes BioPlus products.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Embedded substance drives people crazy.

Act 3: He furiously analyzes the product to find the toxic source.

Turning Point 3: Phil explodes a bomb that destroys the lab stopping him from finding the toxin.

Act 4 Climax: Finds the solution. Inoculates / saves towns people.

Resolution: John takes over BioPlus, makes good stuff. He and Susan marry.

=======================

Antagonist Phil

Beginning: His company BioPlus makes diet supplements.

Inciting Incident: Fishes container from mountain top lake.

Turning Point 1: Alien brew in his products has positive results.

Act 2: Starts major production run.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Adverse effects kick in. Towns people stricken.

Act 3: Analyzes formula to determine how this happened.

Turning Point 3: Discovers how substance has been sabotaged. Kills disguised alien saboteur.

Act 4 Climax: Battle on the lake. Phil is kidnapped by the aliens.

Resolution: Memorial service for Phil who sacrificed himself to save the towns people.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Profiles Part 2

Vision: When discussing projects with producers, I think fast and suggest more imaginative solutions.

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to quickly get into a character and find out what makes him tick.

Title: Terrible Swift Sword

Concept: A scientist seeking a cure for a disease killing her people and her mother, agrees to have sex with a general who will get her into a PhD program so she can find a cure.

Genre: Drama – Thriller

Character: Sara

A. The High Concept (this character’s role in the high concept): Afghani scientist Sara seeks a cure to a disease killing her people and her mother. In order to reach her goal, she must trade sex with the general commanding US troops in Afghanistan to gain a position interpreting for the US troops. When the general pulls US troops out, she goes to the US to get her PhD. When she’s accused of terrorism, she goes undercover and roots out the real terrorist — her twin brother Karim whom the general deserted when the US pulled out.

B. This character’s journey: Sara begins a village girl who is passionate to find the cure. She ends up an experienced combat veteran who blunts a terrorist attack on the US worse than 9/11.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character:

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

She’s a beautiful young woman who competes in a man’s world to do what it takes to reach her goal.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

She is always moving ahead doing whatever it takes to find a cure for the disease that’s killing her people.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

She helps Ratkin become President so she can get what she wants.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

She bargains sex for a chance to get a PhD she needs to conquer the deadly disease.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range?

She is all business when she conducts her laboratory work. She’s fearless when she bargains with Ratkin to get what she wants. At the end she’s quietly taking control of her life and work.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

She takes necessary steps on the surface. At the same time, underneath she’s always pursues her goals.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

Her relationship with Ratkin serves her interests and keeps Ratkin on his toes, half loving and half hating her.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

She has a no-nonsense approach to manipulating Ratkin who needs her to ensure he wins election.

9. What could make this character special and unique?

She has a no holds barred approach. An iron fist in a satin glove.

Character Profile Elements:

1. Role in the Story: Protagonist – She quickly learns how to get around men. How to move into the modern research methods. How to identify with her students who seek the same thing she does — truth and clarity.

2. Age Range and Description: Sara is in her late twenties. Dresses modestly. Works equally with men to get what she wants but learns how to bargain win/win style so neither party feels cheated.

3. Core Traits:

– Always striving to get what she wants

– Quietly energetic

– Audacious approach

– A grin and bear it attitude

4. Motivation; Want/Need:

Want: To find a cure for the disease.

Need: To deal with Ratkin so he’ll leave her alone so she can pursue her goal.

5. Wound:

What they can’t face: She feels deeply guilty because she hasn’t given her mother grandchildren.

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likeability (outside affection): She is good natured but quiet. Doesn’t have the need to make known her every thought or action. When needed she explains what she requires and proceeds.

Relatability (something we experience): She must deal with Berkeley academics on one hand and Ratkin and his political ambition on the other. But she stays level headed and takes a balanced approach.

Empathy (experiences hardship): When she abruptly moves to the US, she’s in culture shock and must adjust to the academic world. She must listen to Ratkin’s woes as he struggles to get nominated for the Presidency.

7. Character Subtext (lesson 3):

Subtext Identity: She hates that she can’t give her mother grand kids. Doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to.

Subtext Trait: Always keeps the prize in sight — a cure for the deadly disease.

Subtext Logline: She focuses her attention on achieving her goals.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Growing closer to Matt with the thought they might marry and have children which would fulfill her dream to introduce them to her mother which would be a thrill for her.

8. Character Intrigue (lesson 4):

Hidden agendas: She secretly considers getting away from Ratkin who still ogles young women and marry Matt who like her wants children.

Competition: She must compete with younger women Ratkin ogles. He is her ticket to getting her PhD and finding a cure. She fears he may get caught chasing skirts and get MeToo’d and be sued or land in jail.

Secrets: She knows her brother is a Taliban terrorist. If he’s found out she fears she won’t get her PhD.

Deception: Always wants to be straightforward and honest. Is deceitful only when necessary.

Unspoken Wound: Her fear she’ll get her PhD but then fail to discover a cure for the disease.

Secret Identity: She wishes she was a blonde with blue eyes which seems to be the US ideal.

How character’s subtext could show up: Her brother Karim is a Taliban terrorist. She fears he may try to blackmail and discredit her endeavor to finish her research and discover a cure for the deadly disease.

9. Flaw (how they sabotage themselves, shows up in times of stress): She has a secret feeling deep down that Ratkin’s appeal to marry him, be the first Afghani First Lady the US has ever seen. She hopes she can finish her PhD and go 100 percent into research before Ratkin forces her to marry him.

10. Values (believe in / care about): She believes in doing the research to find a cure. She cares about her mother who wants her to marry a shepherd who has many goats. She feels guilty because she loves her mother.

11. Character Dilemma (internal conflict causing them to vacillate between extremes): If she marries Matt she’ll have to stay in the US and raise them. She sees around her too many spoiled American kids and doesn’t want her children to become like they are. The alternative is to return to Afghanistan and take care of her mother as a good daughter should do. She feels guilty whichever way she decides to go.

Character: General / President Ratkin:

· His role in the high concept:

He’s a blundering general who goes from being a pedophile and tool of Dark Power which puts him in the White House, to a man who takes responsibility for his actions and finally does things for the right reasons.

· This Character’s Journey.

He commands all US troops in Afghanistan. When the mysterious Dark Money cabal he works for order him to pull the troops out of Afghanistan and run for President, he does so. When he blackmails Sara to be his fiancé to win his bid to become President, she convinces him he must save the US and not seek the evil goals the cabal desires.

· The Actor Attractors for this Character.

1. Ratkin is a blundering fool, a pedophile and tool of Dark Power which puts him in the White House.

2. Why’s he one of the most interesting characters in your story?

He secretly compares himself unfavorably to his grandfather who was also a US Army general and had an outstanding military record while Ratkin was promoted only because he’s the namesake of his illustrious grand dad.

3. What are his most interesting actions?

He makes stupid speeches to his men who pretend he is a deep thinker. He blackmails Sara into being his fiancé which helps him get his party’s nomination and be elected President.

4. How can you introduce this role in the best way to attract an actor?

In his first speech to the troops he maintains fighting the Taliban is a noble cause. That they stand in the way of US companies coming in and strip mining the country to get payback for the New York attack twenty years ago.

5. What’s the character’s emotional range?

On one hand, he grins as he ogles pictures of young girls. On the other, he’s bombastic, convinced he can use cliched platitudes to convince everyone he has a corner on Truth.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

He’s an idiot but that’s the secret he wants most to protect so no one sees him for what a dufus he is.

7. What are his most interesting relationships?

He is a miserable leader who scolds and criticizes his team. Staff sergeant Miller is his top aide who knows how to manipulate Ratkin who thinks he’s in charge but Miller runs the show. He fancies sex with Sara, but she too controls him while he pretends he’s dominating her.

8. How do you present the character’s unique voice?

He has several lists of phrases he uses for his staff, for his superiors and baby talk when he seduces young girls.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

Character profile elements:

1. Role in the story: Antagonist who likes to think he’s driving his relationship with Sara but she’s really in charge and lets him believe he’s running the show.

2. Age Range and Description:

Ratkin is in his late forties, combs over his rapidly spreading bald spot, likes to think he resembles Paul Newman.

3. Core traits:

Pompous, falsely self-confident, fearful others will learn he’s really in way over his head.

4. Motivation: Want / Need:

Want – To appear he leads the US to winning the war against the Taliban terrorists.

Need – To gain the kind of respect his grand father earned. To prove to Sara he’s worthy of being President.

5. Wound:

What he can’t face – Being blamed for pulling the troops out of Afghanistan before he wins the war.

6. Likeability, Relatability, Empathy:

Likeability – He tries to win respect by groveling to his men which embarrasses everyone around him.

Relatability – He wants to be loved but everyone who works for him hates to see him fumble around.

Empathy – He secretly realizes his life is empty. Seducing young girls has become a miserable undertaking.

7. Character Subtext:

Subtext Identity – General who wants to parlay his military career into getting him into the White House.

Subtext Trait – Wants all to think he’s the fierce less leader his grand father was.

Subtext Logline – He’s been telling everyone he will retire when his hitch is up, but he really wants to be President.

Possible Subtext areas – He pretends he helps the poor when he visits NGOs who distribute used clothes and appliances from the US to the unfortunate locals.

8. Character Intrigue –

Hidden Agendas – He tries to parlay recent military maneuvers into proof he’s a military leader in league with Admiral Nimitz.

Conspiracies – He makes deals with locals at the farmers’ market to buy groceries.

Secrets – He paid someone to take his final military tactics exam for him so he wouldn’t flunk out of West Point.

Deception — He pretends he knows how to operate his laptop but must get his sergeant to help him use it.

Unspoken Wound — He never married and had children. He was neglected as a child and wants to make up for it by raising a boy of his own but his t ime is running out.

Secret Identity — He wishes he’d become a plumber instead of following his grandfather into the Army.

How character’s subtext shows up –

Someone is asking questions hinting they know he’s a pedophile. He secretly wants to discover whoever it is and eliminate him or her.

9. Flaw: (self-sabotage, show up in times of stress)

He’s scared someone will discover he doesn’t belong in the Army and can’t lead a two-car parade let along command all the US troops in Afghanistan or anywhere else.

10. Values: (believes in, cares about)

He values family above all else. He wishes he’d married and settled down with a college girl friend but lack the self-confident to pull it off.

11. Character Dilemma (int. conflict causes vacillation betw extremes)

He goes back and forth between stopping exploiting young girls for sex and ending the war prematurely, pulling the Army out of Afghanistan and taking the opportunity afforded by his cabal to run for President.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Profiles Part 1

My Vision: When I discuss projects with producers, I can suggest several alternatives.

Doing this assignment, I learned to ensure character profiles reflect the high concept.

Protagonist Sara

The High Concept: Sara must negotiate sex with Ratkin so she can pursue a PhD in the US and find a cure for a deadly disease killing her people and her mother.

This character’s journey: From low self-esteem, struggling to learn how to conduct research to becoming an undercover agent who prevents a horrific terrorist attack.

The Actor Attractors: Falsely accused of terrorism, she must go undercover to find the real terrorists and prevent a major terrorist attack on the US.

6 parts of the profile for Sara.

Role in the Story: Protagonist

Age range and Description: Late twenties, attractive young woman intent on achieving her goal.

Core Traits: Constantly learning to catch up with the Americans; observant; fast study.

Motivation; Want/Need: She wants to find the cure. Needs to keep up to speed with the Americans.

Wound: Ashamed she was born in a backward third-world country.

Likability: She’s polite and respectful of her elders.

Relatability: She stops and changes a tire for an old man she saw was stranded.

Empathy: When someone is clearly out of line, she takes the time to explain it to them.

Antagonist Ratkin

The High Concept: A mediocre general who is picked by a right-wing cabal to be elected President so they can return the US to an older, primitive state.

This character’s journey: From going along to get along, to following his master’s orders and implementing his instructions.

The Actor Attractors for this character: Ruthless in getting what he wants from everyone around him.

6 parts of the profile for Ratkin.

Role in the Story: Antagonist

Age range and Description: Late forties; big boned; womanizer; always takes, never gives

Core Traits: Exploits others’ weaknesses; always out for number one; “what’s in it for me?” attitude.

Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to become the all-important President; needs to prove he’s better than the eggheads and nerds who laugh at him behind his back.

Wound: An aching feeling he’s never good enough.

Likability: He shaves, cuts himself and can’t stop the bleeding.

Relatability: He fails to make the microwave oven work.

Empathy: When someone tells him all of her troubles, he smiles and says he’s okay

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy

When I discuss projects with producers, I’m flexible and able to come up with viable examples.

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s so important the audience connects with the characters.

Protagonist John

· Likability: He takes special care of his wounded pal.

· Relatability: We would like to believe we would do the same.

· Empathy: We appreciate his kindness.

Antagonist Phillip

· Likability: He’s genuinely grateful to John for saving his son’s life.

· Relatability: We can relate to a father who’s concerned about his son.

· Empathy: He seems motivated to help people.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Intrigue

My Vision: When I discuss projects with producers, I come up with excellent alternatives quickly.

Doing this assignment, I learned how adding intrigue makes my characters so much more interesting.

· Character Name: Phillip, Antagonist

· Role: CEO of high-tech corporation that pushes a product that elevates everyone.

· Hidden agenda: Plant his device in everyone so he rules the world.

· Secrets: Discovered his device in a crash-landed an alien spaceship.

· Deception: Pushes a product that helps everyone until it becomes the device that enslaves them.

· Secret Identity: Originally Phillip helps mankind, but an alien makes him take over the world.

· Character Name: John, Protagonist

· Role: Saves Phillip’s son Mel’s life during the Afghanistan War and brings him home wounded to recover.

· Competition: He competes with Phillip to save Mel from his father’s abuse.

· Secrets: As a child, he saw Phillip discover the secret in the spaceship that made him go bad.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Subtext Characters

When I discuss projects with producers, I see me suggesting excellent alternatives quickly.

Doing this assignment, I learned how important it is to motivate characters with subtext.

Movie Title: THE QUICK AND THE DEAD (Gene Hackman, Sharon Stone, Leo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe)

Protagonist Character Name: Ellen

Subtext Identity: A female gunfighter returns to a frontier town to enter a dueling tournament in an effort to avenge her father’s death.

Subtext Trait: Cagey. Keeps close watch on Herod.

Subtext Logline: A female gunfighter returns to a frontier town to enter a dueling contest in an effort to avenge her father’s death.

Possible Areas of Subtext: She hopes to muster the courage to kill Herod.

Antagonist Character Name: Herod

Subtext Identity: Gunslinger who holds a live-or-die dueling contest to prove he’s the fastest draw.

Subtext Trait: He controls everyone in the 1880s Western town of Redemption which is his prison. Makes up the rules as he goes along. Kills anyone who defies him.

Subtext Logline: Herod tortures Preacher, his gang member. He kills anyone who defies him.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Suspicious of Ellen and the professional gunslinger he will duel to the death. The gunslinger won’t say who paid him to enter the contest and kill him. Herod suspects the towns people who hate him hired the gunslinger.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Actor Attractors

When I discuss projects with producers, I see myself coming up with excellent alternatives quickly.

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to freewheel thoughts as I write. It really improves my work.

BEGIN AGAIN Drama – Thriller

Protagonist – John

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

John can’t wait to exit Afghanistan the next day. Abruptly, Mel is severely wounded and he accompanies him to a US hospital in Germany. At the end he goes into combat mode once again to save Mel and stop Mel’s father from killing everyone in their town.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

John spots bleeding the sensors don’t see because Mel has a device implant which John removes and saves Mel’s life. Where did he get that?

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Because they share a rare blood type, John donates blood for Mel’s multiple surgeries.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

He gets Mel away from an Army doctor who’s crazy to a good doc who wants to help his patients. [It’s a preview of his saving Mel from Phillip].

5. What could be this character’s emotional range?

John starts out quiet, he’s not a born leader. By the end, John leads an assault on Phillip and his army to stop the bloodshed.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

He must undermine Phillip to save Mel because he swore to Phillip he’d safeguard his son, Mel.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

The one with his twin sister who Phillip pretended had died when John was born.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

He’s passionate about getting to the bottom of the mystery of Phillip and BioPulse.

9. What could make this character special and unique?

He finds profound purpose in being needed. He’s no longer a loner hiding in the library.

Antagonist – Phillip

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

Phillip’s cultured manners hide that he kills anyone who gets in his way. He underestimates John who saves everyone from his murderous ways.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

Phillip doesn’t hesitate to torture and kill anyone who wants to stop him.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Phillip uses his surgical skills to torture people to death. He’s a madman who manipulates everyone in his life. Including his son Mel.

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

To kill a hospitalized patient, he waits till everyone leaves and unplugs life support. After the patient dies, he plugs it back in.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range?

He’s mild mannered while he’s secretly angry and plots how to kill anyone in his way.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Phillip dismisses John as a naive school pal of his son until it’s too late.

7. What’s the most interesting relationship this character can have?

Phillip has an unusual relationship with his deceased wife. He has sex with female life size sex doll and talks to her as if she’s his wife.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

He speaks in robotic monotones. Except when he is angered.

9. What could make this character special and unique?

He keeps remembering his religious youth. Finally feels guilty enough to try to reform but it’s too late.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Actor Attractors for THE QUICK AND THE DEAD.

My Vision: When I discuss projects with producers, I see myself coming up with excellent alternatives quickly.

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s great fun to pull out all the stops and have characters perform over-the-top extravagances to attract A-list actors for my movie.

Movie: THE QUICK AND THE DEAD

Genre: Drama – Thriller

Lead Character — Named for the Roman ruler who ordered Jesus’ crucifixion, Antagonist Herod is a killer who controls the town of Redemption whose townspeople do what he says or he kills them.

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

Herod is an unbelievable skilled gunfighter who controls his gang. Kills anyone who defies him unless they’re his favorites. Will eventually kill them too.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?

He controls everyone. Only in the end does the Protagonist kill him.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?

Enslaves and tortures his favorite gang member. Kills anyone who defies him. Is ready to deal a tongue lashing, torture and/or death to anyone who questions him. Makes up live or die gunfight contest rules arbitrarily. Everyone must kiss his ass or else.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

Herod makes the Protagonist, a little girl at the time, kill her own father, the marshal.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

Always in control, he jumps between understanding and maniacal. Listens to his victims then kills them without batting an eye.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

His words hide the fact he’s one jump ahead of everyone. Only at the end when the Protagonist springs her trap, is he outsmarted and dies.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

He’s the father of a young gunslinger named the Kid (Billy the Kid). He tortures his favorite gang member Cort so he’ll continue to kill and stop claiming he’s given it up. He doesn’t know till it’s too late Ellen was the child he made kill her own father.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?

He manipulates each character using his or her weakness — pride, greed, fear — to make them do his bidding.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

He always has the cleverest dialogue and controls everyone right up until the Protagonist changes the rules in her favor and has her revenge on him.

10. (Fill in a scene in which the character fulfills much of the Actor Attractor model.)

The climax when Herod is abruptly stripped of all his strengths and gunned down by Protagonist Ellen who dynamites the town and kills him in the manner he made her kill her father the marshal when she was a child.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Feature – Drama – BORN AGAIN

Tom’s 4 Act Transformational Structure

My Vision: By maintaining his quality writing standards I shall establish a reputation for being a skilled, professional writer who can be counted on to come up with meaningful alternatives.

By doing this assignment – I learned to ensure the concept synchronizes with the turning points and the transformational journeys are clearly set up.

Concept – When a Navy Seal brings home his severely wounded pal from the Afghan War, he discovers his friend’s high tech wizard father is secretly programing locals so he can control them.

Main Conflict – John fights with Mel’s dad, BioPulse CEO Philip who programs town people to use their brains to answer extraterrestrials’ cosmic questions, for Mel’s soul. Because Philip has cancer he wants to program his son Mel to replace him as BioPulse CEO.

John’s Old Ways –

· A scholar known for spouting facts and figures during Seal exercises

· Certain Mel and his family are model, honest, law-abiding citizens

· Sees no reason to fix problems that don’t exist

John’s New Ways – When a Navy

· Up to date on how badly Philip treated the town’s people

· Aware of how dangerous for Earthlings the game Philip plays with the ET leader is

· Races against the clock to find a solution before everyone is blown away

Four Act Structure – Protagonist

Act I
Opening – John’s surprised when he and Mel who is still in a coma are met by a medical team sent by Mel’s dad Philip, CEO of BioPulse, a huge life science company with patents on cell therapies that program patient’s T-cells to kill cancerous tumors. John’s dad says all town’s people are reprogramed and fluent in the ET language. Shows him a fake rivet he put in his neck. It resembles the rivet BioPulse planted in everyone.

Inciting Incident –Early one morning John hears strange noises, goes outside and finds Mel rowing a boat that’s up on blocks. They were both on the rowing team in college. They reminisce about their youth. Mel remembers only things when they were young, not recent events. BioPulse goons round up Mel and return him to the compound.

John’s ex-girlfriend Molly seduces him. He wakes up early and sees BioPulse orderlies outside her house. He sneaks out as they enter to capture him. John tells Reed, BioPulse chief medical officer, he’s glad Mel’s conscious again and asks when can he visit him. Reed: Phil won’t allow it. They hope to discover a new procedure to enable others with injuries like Mel’s to recover the way he did.

John sneaks in, speaks briefly with Mel who replies in the same unrecognizable language. John believes his friend is being experimented on and fears he may not last long.

Turning Point 1 – John goes to police chief Saul and says they need to rescue Mel. Saul says Phil has the right to save his son. He says go home and sleep it off.

John visits Edward who is Phil’s uncle who started BioPulse with Phil’s dad. He says Phil has programed an army to take over the US government. John hears a tone coming from Edward’s head. Edward passes out from a pulse sent to a chip in his skull.

Act II
Reacting New approach –

Late at night John goes to Reed’s house and wakes him up. He collects on an old debt Reed owned him since high school. He caught Reed having sex with one of the football players and never said a word about it. Now he reminds Reed of it and requests he get him into BioPulse to see Mel.

An hour later Reed arrives at work early and lets John slip in through a side door. They rouse Mel. Reed gives him a shot to bring him out of his fog and tells Reed he has only a few minutes.

John and Mel share what they know. Mel says he heard he was going to be moved today and it seems inevitable. John says it’s not and finds a uniform Mel puts on. They lip out the side door just as the employees arrive as the sun comes up.

Midpoint – John takes Mel to the state police and they claim Philip experiments on his own son and it’s killing him.

Turning Point 2 – John escapes and uses a fake ID to get into BioPulse to save Mark.

Dilemma: In their ET language, Mel urges patients to revolt. They’re happy where they are.

Act IV
Climax: Ultimate Conflict – Mel shows John how to reprogram computer controls to restore patients’ brains. Philip leads his security squad in there is a mob scene brawl. John escapes through a window and union leader McKinsey and tells him to call a meeting in the town square at once.

Everyone assembles. Philip arrives and presents his case. Meanwhile John and Mel sneak back to BioPulse and reprogram computer controls to restore patients’ brains.

Resolution – John and Mel return to the town square where they see the people ignore what Philip says and chatter excitedly among themselves. They all seem to be awakening from a deep slumber. The state police arrive and take Philip into custody. John embraces Molly.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Subtext Plot

My Vision: When I discuss my script with producers, I come up with excellent alternatives quickly.

Doing this assignment, I learned how important it is that my lead characters reflect their goal, motivation and conflicts as much as possible in every scene.

Concept: During the Afghan War, Protagonist Sara, an Afghani scientist who seeks a cure for a disease that kills her people, trades sex with Triangle Character US General Ratkin so he will get her asylum in the US so she can earn a PhD and find a cure for the disease. When Ratkin pulls US troops out of Afghanistan, her twin brother Antagonist Karim seeks revenge on Ratkin for abandoning the Afghanis. In the US, Ratkin wins his party’s Presidential nomination and forces Sara to become his fiancé so he appears to be forgiven for deserting the Afghanis, which puts him over the top and gets him elected President.

Protagonist Sara in a Fish Out of Water who quickly learns what she must do to survive and reach her goal.

In a Major Cover Up, Antagonist Karim smuggles a missile into the US he’ll use to kill Ratkin during his inauguration on the Capitol steps.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Transformational Journey

My vision is that when I discuss projects with producers I come up with excellent alternatives quickly.

Doing this assignment, I learned lead characters must develop quickly if they are to succeed.

Sara’s Character Arc –
Beginning: Timid, mousy. Fearful Taliban will find out she teaches girls.
Ending: Take-no-prisoners serious

Internal Journey: Paranoid, fearful to cunning, analyses everyone and everything
External Journey: Shy, nervous to bold, coldly analytical

Old ways: Afraid to say anything that will cause men to be angry with her

New ways: Kicks ass and takes names

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Intentional Lead Characters

My Vision: When I discuss projects with producers, I suggest excellent alternative quickly.

Doing this assignment, I learned to makes my characters be true to the concept.

What makes this character fit my concept and title powerfully?

Protagonist: Sara is ruthless about reaching her goal. She’s unique because she is driven to cure the disease and save everyone including her mother.

Antagonist: Karim is revengeful and hateful because he was screwed. He’s unique because doesn’t know if his sister Sara betrayed him.

Triangle: Ratkin uses his military career to reach the White House. He’s unique because he will do whatever it takes to become POTUS.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Title, Concept, and Character Structure!

Title: ONCE ISN’T ENOUGH

Concept: What if when a man’s friend is killed during a war, but when the wizard father restores his son to life, he claims it was the man who killed him.

Vision: “When I discuss my script with producers, my vision is I come up with excellent alternatives quickly.”

Doing this assignment, I learned by using this method I save many hours of fretting.

Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson agrees to the terms of this release form.

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, through social media, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, videos, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi Everybody:

I’m Tom Wilson and I’ve written two screenplays.

I hope to greatly improve my character and structure work.

I’m a foreign war veteran, helped design space missions at JPL and now pursue writing Drama – Action – Thriller features and TV series.

Looking forward to breakthroughs in this wonderful class.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of Writing Incredible Movies, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, through social media, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, videos, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Colleagues:

My name is Tom Wilson.

I’ve written two screenplays: one is a feature and one is a TV series.

I look forward to learning how to write a screenplay quickly from the ground up.

I’m a foreign war veteran who helped design space missions at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and am learning to write Drama with Action, and Thriller screenplays.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Outline Version 2

Title: TO SERVE HUMANS

Logline: A boy grows up competing with homeless cannibals who eat children.

Horror Situation – Teen who attends prom has sex with a monster.

Scene: Hot summer night. High school prom in the gym. Music is loud. Dozens of high school seniors including Mabel and Stu dance. Later, Mabel goes to the ladies.

Anxiety: She returns. Gym’s now empty. Spooky. Lights off. Silence is deafening. She walks cautiously. Gym’s reverted to pre-WWII smelly basement it once was.

Surprise/scare: She goes to exit. Door is locked. Outside a foot of snow. Eerie noises. Wind shakes door. Frigid air blows in. She shivers. Gasps, breathes faster.

Release: She rushes back into the restroom. Closes her eyes. Great relief.

Shock: She opens her eyes. The dark room’s now grimy janitor closet it was decades ago.

Fear: The door slams shut behind her. She grabs the handle. It’s locked.

Dread: She feels a draft on her neck. Reluctantly turns around. Window is open. A black, shiny-with-slime creature slithers in. Long tail twitches. Vanishes into blackness. She shrieks. Can’t breathe.

Release: She grabs door handle. This time it opens. Jumps out. Slams door shut. OMG. That was too close. Great relief. Starts to breathe again.

Panic: She’s still in the room! Draft on her neck. Slow turns. Black slimy creature towers over her.

Anguish/Disgust: She retreats. Creature pushes her against a wall. Sniffs her. Penis at the end of its tail slides up her bare legs. Under her panties. Her bra. Probes, slithers into her mouth.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

1. EXT. ALLEY – DAY/NIGHT

Nine months later, Mabel gives birth in the bed of a pickup truck parked in an alley. M’Lord gives the baby boy to a homeless man.

2. INT. HOMELESS TENT IN A HOMELESS CAMP – DAY/NIGHT

Homeless man raises Andrew. Eight years later he dies. M’Lord, now the leader of homeless cannibals takes Andrew to an orphanage. Andrew says, “I want to live with you, Dad.” M’Lord says I’m not your father. Andrew says, “I saw what you did to my Mom.” M’Lord says that’s impossible. You weren’t even born yet. Andrew says his dreams told himall all he needs to know about him. M’Lord abruptly disappears. Father Mike invites Andrew to come in and look around.

3. EXT. ORPHANAGE – DAY

Horror Situation – Millicent visits the orphanage to adopt and eat a boy child.

Suspense: Father Mike shows Millicent the kids. Andrew hides but she adopts him.

Dread: A mind reader, Andrew intuits she wants more than simply to adopt him.

Shock: She locks him into a toddler’s stroller. He tries to free himself but can’t.

Monster Reveal: She stops at a teardown house. She stares at the lock. It magically springs open.

Fear: Inside she puts a cloth with a chemical over his mouth. This scares Andrew. He passes out.

Anguish: Andrew wakes up as she padlocks him in a hot oven. She sharpens a carving knife.

Relief: She visits the bathroom. He stares at the padlock. It pops open. He rolls out of the oven.

He crashes through a window to escape. She follows but cuts herself and bleeds out. He bakes her in the oven and makes the best meal he’s ever had.

Detective Mabel finds his fingerprints and mistakenly identifies Millicent’s burned hulk as Andrew’s.

Monster Reveal: When cops arrive, Andrew launches from the roof, Flies off. Circles and returns.

Andrew stares down at Mabel standing by her car. His super hearing heard “Andrew” called out. From 300 feet up he hears Mabel tell Ethel she has to pick up Tara from daycare.

4. INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY

Other orphans hate Andrew because he’s cute and more adoptable. He has panic attacks. Mean boys bully him. Betsy and Clare shame him when he flunks a writing exam. Clare flashes her bare chest at him. Elsie thrusts his hand in her pants. He turns red, hides. Later Andrew fondles his “Andrew” name tag from the homeless camp.

5. EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY – NIGHT

Horror Situation – A man wearing an electrical worker uniform, his face hidden by a cape, claims Andrew is his son and takes him from the orphanage.

Suspense – They drive in a utility truck to electrical towers off a deserted two-lane highway.

Creepy Moment – The man’s skin is scaly like the Black Lagoon creature. Andrew notices his own skin is somewhat scaly.

Panic – He hooks Andrew up to a high-power cable. Gives him a high voltage shock.

Monster Reveal – Andrew flaps his arms, flies around, has strange hallucinations.

Surprise – The man attacks Andrew who accidently kills him.

Release – Andrew walks to the orphanage.

6. EXT. COLD, WINDY, RAINY CITY STREET – NIGHT

M’Lord shows homeless cannibals the orphanage. Gives Millicent phony adoption paperwork.

7. INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY

Millicent picks out Andrew and adopts him.

8. INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY

Horror Situation – Andrew, disguised as Verna adopts and BBQs Betsy.

Surprise – In disguise, Andrew adopts Betsy from the orphanage. Takes her to an abandoned house across the state line in the Arizona desert.

Shock – He cooks her over a backyard barbecue pit.

Suspense – Cops arrive. Andrew hides in the bathroom. SWAT team enters. He has vanished.

Monster Reveal – Outside a tiny Andrew exits a sewer. As he runs away, he grows back to full size.

Release – Rooky cop Ethel finds a fish scale. She’s promoted to a crime scene forensics specialist.

ACT 2A — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

9. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT

Horror Situation –Andrew cooks and eats Clare.

Suspense – Andrew coaxes Clare to sneak out with him. Takes her to a random house.

Terror – A housewife comes home. Finds Andrew bathing Clare in her kitchen sink.

Later, husband returns from work. Finds human bones in the sink. Runs screaming from the house.

Shock – Cops arrive. Andrew slips out under the back door. As he runs away, Andrew returns to his full size.

During recess, Andrew takes one of the mean boys, David to a deserted mansion and gives him a bath. He bakes a cake, cuts a slice and serves it to him. After a few bites, David convulses, has a seizure. Andrew cuts him up and roasts him.

10. INT. EMPTY HOUSE – DAY

In another kitchen, Andrew jams Elsie’s hands down the garbage disposal and turns it on. A housewife arrives and surprises him in her kitchen. He does the same thing to the housewife’s hands and suffocates them both in black plastic bags.

11. EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY BRIDGE – NIGHT

He throws the bags off the bridge. They land in the river. Sink to the bottom.

12. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT

Three mean boys gag Andrew and throw him down a staircase. He flies back up and kicks their butts.

13. EXT. RAINY CITY STREET – NIGHT

M’Lord leads a dozen homeless cannibals to checkout an ancient Catholic orphanage.

14. INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY.

Years later, Father Mike walks Millicent through the game room. Boys and girls pretend to have fun but really hope this lady or anybody will adopt them. Millicent notices Matt and adopts him.

MILLICENT

And how long has this young man been with you?

FATHER MIKE

Seven or eight years.

MILLICENT

He was left on your doorstep in November, wasn’t he?

FATHER MIKE
Why… Yes, as a matter of fact. How did you…

She hands him paperwork from her shopping bag.

MILLICENT

I just want to lad to be a good meal. Uh, that is, get a good meal.

The priest gasps and drops the papers. He stares at a carving knife in her bag.

MILLICENT
No worries. I work — I mean volunteer — at the homeless shelter kitchen.

Midpoint: Homicide detective Mabel and forensics specialist Ethel meet at a homicide cop conference, compare crime scene notes and find the evidence points to a single killer—Andrew.

15. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT

A mean boy hides a note under Elsie’s pillow. Later she reads the note which gives her and address where she’ll meet her blind date. She’s overwhelmed.

16. EXT. DESERTED TOTALLY DARK MANSION – NIGHT

Elsie opens, climbs in the kitchen window over the sink. Flips the light switch. No light goes on.

Horror Situation: Elsie enters mansion in search of her blind date.

Anxiety: A bat smashes into her hair, gets entangled. She shrieks. Bat flies out the window.

She searches the kitchen. Cobwebs, spooky noises, clogged toilet smells.

Surprise/scare: A horse whinnies. Lightning flash: A creature on a stallion. Flash again. It’s gone.

The dark creature slithers under the backdoor into the kitchen.

Shock: She has a Boa constrictor in one hand. A human fetus in other. Boa inhales fetus. Vanishes.

She answers her phone. Ethel says they’ll be there ASAP. She sobs her gratitude.

Fear: She hears unhuman sound, races through the mansion and tiptoes up the creaky staircase.

Andrew abruptly appears before her. She gags at the blood and tissue on his mouth. He giggles.

He taps his head switching on a waltz. He takes her in his arms and dances her into the bathroom.

Release: She’s relieved. Smiles delight at seeing him again.

He sits on the side of the tub, pulls her down onto his lap and inhales her fragrances.

Dread: She reacts to a serious cut on the top of his head.

He reaches behind her and retrieves a China tea pot. In the other hand he holds a matching tea cup.

Release: She sips, smiles. It’s just the way she likes her tea. She’s relieved and slowly relaxes.

Panic: He looks up and is face to face with the dark creature.

Anguish: The creature crawls on top of her like a blanket. She shrieks.

Shock – Later Andrew removes gristle off a femur. Drops it into the bone pile in the kitchen sink.

He hears noise, sees police SUV pull up. Ethel jumps out, gun drawn, runs toward backdoor.

Andrew lifts a foot off the kitchen floor and flies through the mansion to the stairs.

Monster Reveal – He zooms to the second floor without touching a step.

Release – Ethel slips in the backdoor. Meets Mabel in the kitchen. They relax but only for a moment.

Mabel turns on her flashlight. They gasp and are repulsed by the pile of bones in the sink.

From the top of the stairs, Andrew stares down at them and waves bye.

Ethel spots him, screams. She and Mabel pull out their pistols and run to the foot of the stairs.

Andrew laughs, turns to a window that abruptly opens. He flies effortlessly out the window.

Mabel examines Andrew’s DNA found at the scene and discovers it’s very similar to her own DNA.

Under hypnosis at a psychiatrist’s office, she unblocks a memory of giving birth to Andrew. M’Lord said he’d see to it the child has a good home and left her propped up in the pickup truck.

ACT 4 — FULL OUT HORROR

FIGHT TO THE DEATH

17. EXT. MABEL’S HOME PATIO – NIGHT

Mabel rushes out to Tara’s empty stroller. A note inside says “Let’s play hide and seek.” She gasps. Her daughter is being held by a homicidal maniac.

She pulls up an app on her phone, sees Tara’s phone moves toward the dockside wharf, and shouts into her phone as she runs to her police car.

MABEL calls, tells Ethel he’s got Tara. They’re at the marina warehouse. No sirens.

Horror Situation – Andrew

He tasers Floyd and takes him to a loading dock at a closed factory. (Floyd led the mean boys who made Andrew’s life miserable.)

Monster Reveal – He chains him, gets on a forklift and pulls the chair he wrapped around his waist until Floyd’s abdomen pops from his stomach. His spine snaps. His liver protrudes.

18. INT. MARINA WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

They freeze when they see Andrew’s right hand holds a razor to Tara’s throat.

Mabel shakes. She can’t breathe. She’s in shock. Panic attack. Aims her gun with both shaky hands.

Ethel steps in front of her.

She carries Tara to Ethel who’s lethargic. Stares dreamily up at Mabel.

Abruptly, Andrew thrusts a knife at Mabel.

She brushes the knife aside. Grabs Ethel’s pistol and empties it into Andrew. It has no effect.

In his right hand, Andrew holds a straight razor to the throat of Tara, Mabel’s little girl. Tara giggles and enjoys whatever game they’re playing.

HYSTERIA – Mabel takes careful aim. Ethel yells, “NO! He’ll kill Tara.”

Mabel hesitates. Ethel shoots Andrew in his right shoulder. He drops the razor.

He snatches a steak knife with his left hand, prick’s Tara’s neck.

He dares them to shoot because he’ll kill Tara.

Mabel fires her pistol until it’s empty.

Andrew slides across the floor bleeding profusely. Mabel sees how much he resembles M’Lord.

Mabel runs to Tara. Picks her up. Presses her little girl’s neck wound.

THRILLING ESCAPE FROM DEATH

Ethel aims and fires a bullet into M’Lord’s heart. Mabel calls it in and comforts Tara.

DEATH RETURNS TO TAKE ONE OR MORE.

Andrew reappears, throws a knife. It plunges into Ethel’s throat. She slumps to her knees. Bleeds out.

RESOLUTION

19. INT. ROSE HILLS CEMETERY – DAY

Mabel and Tara stand before Ethel’s gravestone.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

TO SERVE HUMANS Outline

INT. HOMELESS TENT IN A HOMELESS CAMP – DAY/NIGHT

Homeless man raises the new born Andrew. The man dies. Andrew enters an orphanage.

1. INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY

The orphans who compete to be adopted hate Andrew because he’s cute and more adoptable.

Not adjusting well, Andrew has panic attacks. Three mean boys bully him. He’s miserable. Betsy and Clare laugh when Andrew flubs his first writing lesson. That night Clare flashes her bare chest at him. Andrew is embarrassed. Elizabeth thrusts his hand into her pants. He turns red and runs away.

2. EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY – NIGHT

A man wearing a cape claims Andrew from the orphanage. Says he’s his son, takes him out in the country, and gives him a high voltage shock. Andrew flaps his arms and flies around the man’s head, has strange hallucinations. The man drops his cape. His skin is scaly like the creature from the Black Lagoon. He attacks Andrew who accidently kills him and returns to the orphanage.

3. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT

The three boys gag Andrew and throw him down a staircase. He takes flight and kicks their butts.

4. EXT. COLD, WINDY, RAINY CITY STREET – NIGHT

M’Lord shows homeless cannibals the orphanage. Millicent wants to adopt.

5. EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING – DAY

Millicent adopts Andrew, takes him inside, ties him up and cooks him to eat. He crashes through a window to escape. She follows but cuts herself and bleeds out. He bakes her in the oven and makes the best meal he’s ever had. When cops surround the building, he goes to the roof and flies away. Detective Mable finds his fingerprints and identifies Millicent’s burned hulk as Andrew’s body.

6. INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY

In disguise, Andrew adopts Betsy from the orphanage and barbecues her in an abandoned house across the state line in Arizona. A SWAT team enters. Andrew disappears from inside a bathroom.

Rooky cop Ethel finds a fishy scale in the toilet. She later becomes a crime scene forensics specialist. Outside the tiny Andrew exits a sewer. As he runs away, he grows back to full size.

7. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT

Andrew coaxes Clare to sneak out with him. He takes her to a random house. Later a housewife returns from shopping and finds Andrew giving Clare a bath in her kitchen sink. Still later, the husband returns from work. In the sink he finds human bones. He runs screaming from the house. Cops arrive. A tiny Andrew climbs from a storm drain outside and returns to adult size.

Midpoint: Homicide detective Mable and forensics specialist Ethel meet at a homicide cop conference, compare crime scenes notes and finds the evidence points to a single killer—Andrew.

During recess, Andrew takes a mean boy, David to a deserted mansion and gives him a bath. He bakes a cake, cuts a slice and serves it to him. After a few bites, David convulses, has a seizure. Andrew cuts him up and roasts him.

8. INT. EMPTY HOUSE – DAY

In another kitchen, Andrew jams Elizabeth’s hands down the garbage disposal and turns it on. A housewife arrives and surprises him in her kitchen. He does the same thing to the housewife’s hands and suffocates them both in black plastic bags.

9. EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY BRIDGE – NIGHT

He throws the bags off the bridge. They land in the river and sink to the bottom.

Scene: Hot summer night. High school prom in the gym. Music is loud.

Mable and Stu. Dozens of kids dance. After a dance, Maggie goes to the ladies.

Anxiety: She returns. Gym’s now empty. Spooky. Lights off. Silence is deafening. She walks cautiously. Gym’s reverted to pre-WWII smelly basement it was before.

Surprise/scare: She goes to exit. Door is locked. Outside a foot of snow. Eerie noises. Wind shakes door. Frigid air blows in. She shivers. Gasps, breathes faster.

Release: She rushes back into the restroom. Closes her eyes. Great relief.

Shock: She opens her eyes. The dark room’s now grimy janitor closet it was decades ago.

Fear: The door slams shut behind her. She grabs the handle. It’s locked.

Dread: She feels a draft on her neck. Reluctantly turns around. Window is open. A black, shiny-with-slime creature slithers in. Long tail twitches. Vanishes into blackness. She shrieks. Can’t breathe.

Release: She grabs door handle. This time it opens. Jumps out. Slams door shut. OMG. That was too close. Great relief. Starts to breathe again.

Panic: She realizes somehow she’s still in the room! Again feels a draft on her neck. Slowly turns. The black slimy creature towers over her.

Anguish: She backs up. Creature sniffs her scent. Slips after her. Pins her to the wall. Its tail slips under her dress. Slithers up her bare legs.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Not adjusting well, Andrew has panic attacks. Three mean boys bully him. He’s miserable.

Scene: A man claims he’s his son, takes him out in the country and gives him a high voltage shock. Andrew is able to fly, has strange hallucinations. His skin is scaly like the creature from the Black Lagoon. The man tries to hit him. Andrew accidently kills him. Returns to the orphanage.

Reaction – The 3 boys push him down some stairs.

Monster Reveal – He flies at them and kicks their butts.

Horror Situation – Led by M’Lord, homeless cannibals case orphanage. Millicent visits the orphanage so she can adopt and eat a boy child.
Suspense: Father Mike shows Millicent the kids. Andrew hides but she adopts him.
Dread: A mind reader, Andrew knows she wants more than simply to adopt him.

Shock: She locks him into a toddler’s stroller. He tries to free himself but can’t.

Monster Reveal: She pushes him to an abandoned house. She stares at the front door. The lock magically springs open.

Fear: Inside she puts a cloth with a chemical on it over his mouth. This scares Andrew. He passes out.

Anguish: Andrew wakes up as she padlocks him in a hot oven. She sharpens a carving knife.

Relief: She visits the bathroom. He stares at the padlock. It pops open. He rolls out of the oven.

He crashes through a window to escape. She follows but cuts herself and bleeds out. He bakes her in the oven and makes the best meal he’s ever had. When cops arrive, he jumps from the rood and flies away. Detective Mable finds his fingerprints and identifies Millicent’s burned hulk as Andrew’s.

Horror Situation – In disguise, Andrew adopts Betsy and barbecues her in an abandoned house across the state line in Arizona. When a SWAT team raids the house, he hides in a bathroom.

Suspense:

Monster Reveal – When the cops break in, he’s disappeared.

Rooky cop Ethel finds a fishy scale in the toilet. She later becomes a crime scene forensics specialist. Outside he exits and sewer and gets away.

Character Death 2: Betsy

Why: Betsy laughed when he flubbed his first writing lesson

How: Barbecue

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Horror Situation: Disguised as a elderly woman, Andrew takes his newly adopted Clare into a random house. Later a housewife enters and finds “Millicent” giving Clare a bath in her kitchen sink. Still later, the husband returns from work.

Monster Reveal – In the sink he finds human bones. He runs screaming from the house. Cops arrive. A tiny Andrew climbs from a storm drain outside and returns to adult size.

Character Death 3: Clare

Why: Clare prick teased him

How: Butchers her in the sink

Midpoint: Homicide detective Mable and forensics specialist Ethel meet at a homicide cop conference, compare crime scenes notes and find they point to a single killer—Andrew.

Horror Situation – Andrew plops latest adoptee David in a bathtub in a mansion, cuts the cake he just baked and serves him a slice.

Monster Reveal – After a few bites, David convulses. Has a seizure. Andrew slaughters, roasts him.

Character Death 4: David

Why: David was a meany to Andrew

How: Poisoned cake

Scene: In kitchen, Andrew jams Elizabeth’s hands down garbage disposal and turns it on.

Release: Sobbing, she sees lady of the house walk in. Surprises him in her kitchen.

Fear: He processes her hands the same way and places both women in a plastic bag.

Later, on a bridge he empties the bag. Their remains drop into the river.

Character Death 5: Margaret

Why: Margaret laughed at him

How: Feeds her to a creature

EXT. DESERTED TOTALLY DARK MANSION – NIGHT

Margaret opens, climbs in the kitchen window over the sink. Flips the light switch. No light goes on.

Horror Situation: Margaret enters mansion in search of her blind date.

Anxiety: A bat smashes into her hair, gets entangled. She shrieks. Bat flies out the window.

She searches the kitchen. Cobwebs, spooky noises, clogged toilet smells.

Surprise/scare: A horse whinnies. Lightning flash: A creature on a stallion. Flash again. It’s gone.

The dark creature slithers under the backdoor into the kitchen.

Shock: She has a Boa constrictor in one hand. A human fetus in other. Boa inhales fetus. Vanishes.

She answers her phone. Detective Ethel says they’ll be there ASAP. She sobs her gratitude.

Fear: She hears unhuman sound, races through the mansion and tiptoes up the creaky staircase.

Andrew abruptly appears before her. She gags at the blood and tissue on his mouth. He giggles.

He taps his head switching on a waltz. He takes her in his arms and dances her into the bathroom.

Release: She’s relieved. Smiles delight at seeing him again.

He sits on the side of the tub, pulls her down onto his lap and inhales her fragrances.

Dread: She reacts to a serious cut on the top of his head.

He reaches behind her and retrieves a china tea pot. In the other hand he holds a matching tea cup.

Release: She sips, smiles. It’s just the way she likes her tea. She’s relieved and slowly relaxes.

Panic: He looks up and is face to face with the dark creature.

Anguish: The creature crawls on top of her like a blanket. She shrieks.

Later Andrew removes gristle off a femur. Drops it into the bone pile in the kitchen sink.

He hears noise, sees police SUV pull up. Ethel jumps out, gun drawn, runs toward backdoor.

Andrew lifts a foot off the kitchen floor and flies through the mansion to the stairs.

He zooms to the second floor without touching a step.

Ethel tiptoes in the backdoor. Meets Lucy in the kitchen. They relax. But it’s only for a moment.

Lucy turns on her flashlight. They gasp and are repulsed by the pile of bones in the sink.

From the top of the stairs, Andrew stares down at them and waves bye.

Ethel spots him, screams. She and Lucy pull out their pistols and run to the foot of the stairs.

Andrew laughs, turns to a window that abruptly opens. He flies effortlessly out the window.

Character Death 5: Elizabeth

Why: She’s one of the kids who humiliated Andrew in class

How: Garbage disposal

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

FIGHT TO THE DEATH

Horror Situation – Andrew tasers and takes Floyd to a loading dock at a closed factory.

Monster Reveal – He chains him, gets on a forklift and pulls the chair he wrapped around his waist until Floyd’s abdomen pops from his stomach. His spine snaps. His liver protrudes.

Character Death 6: Floyd

Why: Floyd led the mean boys who made Andrew’s life miserable

How: Ripped apart by a forklift

Mable and Ethel enter the front and back doors simultaneously, guns drawn.

In his right hand, Andrew holds a barber’s razor to the throat of Tara, Mable’s little girl.

HYSTERIA – Mable takes careful aim. Ethel yells, NO! He’ll kill Tara.

Mable hesitates. Ethel shoots Andrew in his right shoulder. He drops the razor. Snatches a steak knife with his left hand, prick’s Tara’s neck, dares them to shoot because he’ll kill Tara.

THRILLING ESCAPE FROM DEATH

Ethel aims and fires a bullet into M’Lord’s heart.

DEATH RETURNS TO TAKE ONE OR MORE.

Andrew reappears, throws a knife. It plunges into Ethel’s throat. She slumps to her knees. Bleeds out.

RESOLUTION

Mable and Tara stand before Ethel’s gravestone in Rose Hills Cemetery.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Scary-As-Hell Scene

This assignment taught me it’s great fun to learn to write scary.

Scene: On a hot summer night, Maggie and Stu, a couple on their first date—the high school prom—enter the gym. The music is loud. Dozens of kids dance up a storm. After a quick dance, Maggie goes to the ladies.

Anxiety: She returns to the gym that’s now empty. Spooky. Lights are off. The silence is deafening. She walks cautiously around the gym. It’s reverted to the pre-WWII smelly basement it was before it became a gym ages ago.

Surprise/scare: She starts to leave. The door is locked. Out the window is a foot of snow. Eerie noises are heard. Wind shakes the door. She shivers in the frigid air blowing in. What the hell? She gasps, breathes faster.

Release: She rushes back into the restroom. Closes her eyes. Great relief.

Shock: She opens her eyes. The dark room is now the grimy janitor’s closet it used to be decades before.

Fear: The door slams shut behind her. She grabs the handle. It’s locked.

Dread: She feels a draft on her neck. Reluctantly turns around. Window is open. A black, shiny-with-slime creature slithers in. A long tail twitches behind it. Vanishes into blackness. She shrieks. Can’t breathe.

Release: She grabs door handle. This time it opens. Jumps out. Slams door shut. OMG. That was too close. Great relief. Starts to breathe again.

Panic: She realizes somehow she’s still in the room! Again feels a draft on her neck. Slowly turns around. The black slimy creature towers over her.

Anguish: She backs up. Creature sniffs. Picks up her scent. Slips
after her. Pins her to the wall. Its tail slithers under her dress. Probes up her bare leg.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Scares, Releases, and Creepy Moments!

What I learned doing this assignment is amazing how I can punch up a so-so scene with scary stuff!

EXT. DESERTED TOTALLY DARK MANSION – NIGHT

Horror Situation – Disguised as a woman, Andrew adopts Elizabeth. Butchers her. (She humiliated him.)

Elizabeth opens, climbs in the kitchen window over the sink. Flips the light switch. No light goes on.

Horror Situation: Margaret enters mansion in search of her blind date.

Anxiety: A bat smashes into her hair, gets entangled. She shrieks. Bat flies out the window.

She searches the kitchen. Cobwebs, spooky noises, clogged toilet smells.

Surprise/scare: A horse whinnies. Lightning flash: A creature on a stallion. Flash again. It’s gone.

The dark creature slithers under the backdoor into the kitchen.

Shock: She has a Boa constrictor in one hand. A human fetus in other. Boa inhales fetus. Vanishes.

She answers her phone. Detective Ethel says they’ll be there ASAP. She sobs her gratitude.

Fear: She hears unhuman sound, races through the mansion and tiptoes up the creaky staircase.

Andrew abruptly appears before her. She gags at the blood and tissue on his mouth. He giggles.

He taps his head switching on a waltz. He takes her in his arms and dances her into the bathroom.

Release: She’s relieved. Smiles delight at seeing him again.

He sits on the side of the tub, pulls her down onto his lap and inhales her fragrances.

Dread: She reacts to a serious cut on the top of his head.

He reaches behind her and retrieves a china tea pot. In the other hand he holds a matching tea cup.

Release: She sips, smiles. It’s just the way she likes her tea. She’s relieved and slowly relaxes.

Panic: He looks up and is face to face with the dark creature.

Anguish: The creature crawls on top of her like a blanket. She shrieks.

Later Andrew removes gristle off a femur. Drops it into the bone pile in the kitchen sink.

He hears noise, sees police SUV pull up. Ethel jumps out, gun drawn, runs toward backdoor.

Andrew lifts a foot off the kitchen floor and flies through the mansion to the stairs.

He zooms to the second floor without touching a step.

Ethel tiptoes in the backdoor. Meets Lucy in the kitchen. They relax. But it’s only for a moment.

Lucy turns on her flashlight. They gasp and are repulsed by the pile of bones in the sink.

From the top of the stairs, Andrew stares down at them and waves bye.

Ethel spots him, screams. She and Lucy pull out their pistols and run to the foot of the stairs.

Andrew laughs, turns to a window that abruptly opens. He flies effortlessly out the window.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is my writing is so much better when I can build the fear, layer by layer until it reaches a climax.

EXT. MABEL’S HOME PATIO – NIGHT

Mabel rushes out to Tara’s empty stroller. A note inside says “Let’s play hide and seek.” She gasps. Her daughter is being held by a homicidal maniac.

She pulls up an app on her phone, sees Tara’s phone moves toward the dockside wharf, and shouts into her phone as she runs to her police car.

MABEL
He got Tara. They’re at the marina warehouse. No sirens.

INT. MARINA WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

Mabel and Ethel simultaneously enter front and back doors, guns drawn.

They freeze when they see Andrew’s right hand holds a razor to Tara’s throat. Tara giggles and enjoys whatever game they’re playing.

Mabel shakes. She can’t breathe. She’s in shock. Panic attack. Aims her gun with both shaky hands.

Ethel steps in front of her.

ETHEL
No, he’ll kill Tara.

Mabel no longer thinks straight.

She fires her pistol. Her shot hits Ethel.

Ethel sways, turns and shoots Andrew in his right shoulder.

Andrew drops the razor.

He snatches a steak knife with his left hand, prick’s Tara’s neck.

Mabel fires her pistol until it’s empty.

Andrew slides across the floor bleeding profusely.

Mabel runs to Tara. Picks her up. Presses her little girl’s neck wound.

She carries Tara to Ethel. She’s lethargic. Stares dreamily up at Mabel.

Abruptly, Andrew thrusts a knife at Mabel.

She brushes the knife aside. Grabs Ethel’s pistol and empties it into Andrew.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s fun to learn how to coordinate fearful emotions.

INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY

Father Mike welcomes prospective adopter VERNA. She’s really Andrew in disguise.

Verna sits beside BETSY who’s conflicted about leaving not knowing what life with Verna will be like.

The priest reads over the paperwork.

Verna eyes Betsy, who fearfully examines her new mom.

Betsy’s eyes wander over Verna’s handbag. Light gleams off a butcher knife.

Verna closes the top of her bag and leans close to Betsy.

VERNA

It’s good to know, Betsy, that once we leave here, there’s no coming back.

Betsy grimaces, jumps up, runs to Father Mike. For a suspenseful second, she swallows and speaks.

BETSY

This can’t be true. You always told us we had a home here if something didn’t work out.

The priest glances at Verna, drops his eyes and turns back to Betsy.

FATHER MIKE

I’m afraid in this case we had to make an exception.

Shaken, Betsy stumbles back to her chair, sits and sobs silently.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s great fun to build the story from the ground up at the beginning.

EXT. RAINY CITY STREET – NIGHT

M’Lord leads a dozen homeless cannibals wearing rags to a covered stairwell across a town square from an ancient Catholic orphanage. He nods to MILLICENT who walks with a limp across the street and places a new born babe on the orphanage porch and shuffles back to the others.

INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY

The orphans who compete to be adopted hate Andrew because he’s cute and more adoptable.

Not adjusting well, ANDREW has panic attacks. Three mean boys bully him. He’s miserable. Betsy and Clare laugh when Andrew flubs his first writing lesson.

INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT

That night Clare flashes her bare chest at him. Andrew is embarrassed. Elizabeth thrusts his hand into her pants. He turns red and runs away.

Later Andrew removes a box from under his bed. He fondles his “Andrew” name tag from the charity hospital where he was born.

EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY – NIGHT

A man wearing a cape claims Andrew from the orphanage. Says he’s his son, takes him out in the country, and gives him a high voltage shock. Andrew flaps his arms and flies around the man’s head, has strange hallucinations. The man drops his cape. His skin is scaly like the creature from the Black Lagoon. He attacks Andrew who accidently kills him and returns to the orphanage.

INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT

The three boys gag Andrew and throw him down a staircase. He takes flight and kicks their butts.

INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY.

Years later, Father Mike walks Millicent through the game room. Boys and girls pretend to have fun but really hope this lady or anybody will adopt them. Millicent notices Andrew.

MILLICENT

And how long has this young man been with you?

FATHER MIKE

Ten or twelve years.

MILLICENT

He was left on your doorstep in November, wasn’t he?

FATHER MIKE
Why… Yes, as a matter or fact. How did you…

She hands him paperwork from her shopping bag.

MILLICENT

I just want to lad to be a good meal. Huh, get a good meal.

The priest gasps and drops the papers. He stares at a carving knife in her bag.

MILLICENT
No worries. I work — I mean volunteer — at the homeless shelter kitchen.

EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING – DAY

Millicent adopts Andrew, takes him inside, ties him up, seasons and cooks him. He crashes through a window to escape. She follows but cuts herself and bleeds out. He bakes her in the oven and makes the best meal he’s ever had. When cops surround the building, he goes to the roof and flies away.

Detective MABEL finds his fingerprints and identifies Millicent’s burned hulk as Andrew’s body.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Horror Outline Version 1

What I learned is it’s not as hard as I thought to write Horror stories.

TO SERVE HUMANS — Readable Outline

INT. HOMELESS TENT IN A HOMELESS CAMP – DAY/NIGHT

Homeless man raises the new born Andrew. The man dies.

INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY

The orphans who compete to be adopted hate Andrew because he’s cute and more adoptable.

Not adjusting well, Andrew has panic attacks. Three mean boys bully him. He’s miserable. Betsy and Clare laugh when Andrew flubs his first writing lesson. That night Clare flashes her bare chest at him. Andrew is embarrassed. Elizabeth thrusts his hand into her pants. He turns red and runs away.

EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY – NIGHT

A man wearing a cape claims Andrew from the orphanage. Says he’s his son, takes him out in the country, and gives him a high voltage shock. Andrew flaps his arms and flies around the man’s head, has strange hallucinations. The man drops his cape. His skin is scaly like the creature from the Black Lagoon. He attacks Andrew who accidently kills him and returns to the orphanage.

INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT

The three boys gag Andrew and throw him down a staircase. He takes flight and kicks their butts.

EXT. COLD, WINDY, RAINY CITY STREET – NIGHT

M’Lord shows homeless cannibals the orphanage. Millicent wants to adopt.

EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING – DAY

Millicent adopts Andrew, takes him inside, ties him up and cooks him to eat. He crashes through a window to escape. She follows but cuts herself and bleeds out. He bakes her in the oven and makes the best meal he’s ever had. When cops surround the building, he goes to the roof and flies away.

Detective Mabel finds his fingerprints and identifies Millicent’s burned hulk as Andrew’s body.

INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY

In disguise, Andrew adopts Betsy from the orphanage and barbecues her in an abandoned house across the state line in Arizona. A SWAT team enters. Andrew disappears from inside a bathroom.

Rooky cop Ethel finds a fishy scale in the toilet. She later becomes a crime scene forensics specialist. Outside the tiny Andrew exits a sewer. As he runs away, he grows back to full size.

INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT

Andrew coaxes Clare to sneak out with him. He takes her to a random house. Later a housewife returns from shopping and finds Andrew giving Clare a bath in her kitchen sink. Still later, the husband returns from work. In the sink he finds human bones. He runs screaming from the house. Cops arrive. A tiny Andrew climbs from a storm drain outside and returns to adult size.

Midpoint: Homicide detective Mabel and forensics specialist Ethel meet at a homicide cop conference, compare crime scenes notes and finds the evidence points to a single killer—Andrew.

During recess, Andrew takes one of the mean boys, David to a deserted mansion and gives him a bath. He bakes a cake, cuts a slice and serves it to him. After a few bites, David convulses, has a seizure. Andrew cuts him up and roasts him.

INT. EMPTY HOUSE – DAY

In another kitchen, Andrew jams Elizabeth’s hands down the garbage disposal and turns it on. A housewife arrives and surprises him in her kitchen. He does the same thing to the housewife’s hands and suffocates them both in black plastic bags.

EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY BRIDGE – NIGHT

He throws the bags off the bridge. They land in the river and sink to the bottom.

INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT

Andrew tasers the meanest boy, Floyd and sneaks him the back door.

He drags him to a loading dock at the closed factory where he’s keeping Mabel’s little girl, Tara. He starts up a forklift and pulls the chain he wrapped around his waist until Floyd’s stomach pops from his distended abdomen. His spine snaps. His liver sticks out.

Mabel and Ethel enter the factory front and back doors simultaneously, guns drawn.

Andrew holds a barber’s razor to Tara’s throat.

Mabel takes careful aim.

Ethel yells, NO! He’ll kill Tara.

Mabel hesitates. Ethel shoots Andrew in his right shoulder. He drops the razor. Snatches a steak knife with his left hand, prick’s Tara’s neck, dares them to shoot.

Ethel aims and fires a bullet into Andrew’s heart. Mabel call it in and comfort Tara.

When they’re backs are turned, Andrew revives, throws a knife. It plunges into Ethel’s throat. She slumps to her knees. Bleeds out.

INT. ROSE HILLS CEMETERY – DAY

Mabel and Tara stand before Ethel’s gravestone.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Journey Track

What I learned doing this assignment is each character must be unique but reflect a different aspect of the main concept.

Concept: A community of cannibals buys children from an orphanage and eats them during secret ceremonial rituals. Spencer leads the cannibals. M’Lord reluctantly negotiates deals purchasing children from Father Mike who runs the orphanage. Maria clerks in her parents’ cannibal flea market but hates the life. Her Uncle Larry, in denial about his cannibal family, has a job in the normal world but fears Spencer wants to eliminate him because he might expose the cannibals.

Character Profile: Spencer

Role: Leader / Survivor

Traits: Braggart – Know it all – Thrill Seeker

Fears: The others will find out he’s a phony

Wants / Needs: Wants to be respected, feared / Needs to be loved for who he really is

Likability / Rooting factors: Not easily liked / Others don’t root for him

How they react under stress: Surprisingly cool-headed

Relationship with other characters: He’s intimidating

Character Journey for this story:

Character Intro: Arrives late. Keeps the others waiting

Denial: Certain place isn’t haunted

Their reaction at first horror: Thinks this is brother’s idea of a joke

Relation to group after first horror: Scattered. They see he’s not a great leader.

How they fight back: Build a barricade

End Point: They kill the monster

What insight does this death or survival bring to the others / audience? We won’t survive if we don’t stick together

Character Profile: M’Lord

Role: Young lawyer who supplies cannibals with orphans

Traits: Salesmanship

Fears: Not enough “product” to supply the cannibals

Wants / Needs: Sell cannibals orphans / Get married and start a family

Likability / Rooting factors: Charmer / Problem solver

How they react under stress: First time he vomits

Relationship with other characters: Eager to please

Character Journey for this story:

Character Intro: Sales pitch to the cannibals

Denial: “You didn’t really eat that child, did you?” Nauseous first time he sold an orphan

Their reaction at first horror: Wonders if each one will get any easier

Relation to group after first horror: Fears the cannibals see him as a monster

How they fight back: He’s not sure he’ll continue to sell orphans to the cannibals

End Point: They’re hooked on his product. He can’t just retire at some point.

What insight does this death or survival bring to the others / audience? He fears if he doesn’t continue to supply them with orphans, he could become their next meal

Character Profile: Maria

Role: Reluctant cannibal

Traits: Clerks in her parents’ cannibal supplies shop

Fears: Her parents will be imprisoned for cannibalism and she’ll be cannibalized

Wants / Needs: Wants to help her parents / Needs to marry and have a family

Likability / Rooting factors: Liked, attractive. Some cannibals fancy eating her.

How they react under stress: She doesn’t want to think about what they do to the orphans

Relationship with other characters: Gets along well with oldsters, uncomfy with younger peers

Character Journey for this story:

Character Intro: Shows M’Lord around her parents’ shop of horrors

Denial: Wants to convince M’Lord the shop isn’t just for cannibals

Their reaction at first horror: In denial

Relation to group after first horror: Very uncomfortable

How they fight back: Puts in normal lines of clothing to make the shop appear “normal”

End Point: She fears she can never escape living among cannibals

What insight does death or survival bring to the others / audience? Fear she can’t escape

Character Profile: Uncle Larry

Role: A “normal” who survives despite the cannibal community

Traits: Chipper, positive, cheerful

Fears: He might be sucked back into the cannibal community

Wants / Needs: Wants to deny his family members are cannibals

Likability / Rooting factors: Likable, appears to outsiders he leads a “normal”

How they react under stress: He holds up well

Relationship with other characters: Tricky relationship with cannibals

Character Journey for this story:

Character Intro: Comes home from work at a “normal” business

Denial: Likes everyone to think his family is “normal” and not cannibals

Their reaction at first horror: In denial of the ceremonies his parents participate in

Relation to group after first horror: Standoffish, squeamish

How they fight back: He’s a strict vegetarian

End Point: Sacrifices himself so his niece Maria and M’Lord can escape the cannibal world

What insight does this death or survival bring to the others / audience? It’s possible to escape a world you hate.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

TO SERVE HUMANS Outline

A homeless man raises the new born Andrew. When the man dies, Andrew enters an orphanage.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Not adjusting well, Andrew has panic attacks. 3 mean boys bully him. He’s miserable.

Horror Situation – A man claims he’s his son, takes him out in the country and gives him a high voltage shock. Andrew is able to fly, has strange hallucinations and his skin is scaly like the creature from the Black Lagoon. When the man tries to harm him, Andrew accidently kills him and returns to the orphanage.

Reaction – When the 3 boys push him down some stairs.

Monster Reveal – He flies at them and kicks their butts.

Horror Situation – Led by M’Lord, Homeless cannibals case orphanage. Millicent wants to adopt.

She adopts Andrew, takes him to an abandoned building and cooks him to eat. Andrew crashes through a window to escape. She follows but cuts herself and bleeds out. He bakes her in the oven and makes the best meal he’s ever had. When cops surround the building, he flies away.

Detective Mabel finds his fingerprints and identifies Millicent’s burned hulk as Andrew’s body.

Character Death 1: Andrew

Why: Millicent’s body is identified as his.

How: He bakes her in an oven and eats her corpse.

Horror Situation – In disguise, Andrew adopts Betsy from the orphanage and barbecues her in an abandoned house across the state line near Yuma, Arizona. When a SWAT team raids the house, he hides in a bathroom.

Monster Reveal – When the cops break in, he’s disappeared.

Rooky cop Ethel finds a fishy scale in the toilet. She later becomes a crime scene forensics specialist. Outside he exits and sewer and gets away.

Character Death 2: Betsy

Why: Betsy laughed when he flubbed his first writing lesson

How: Barbecue

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Horror Situation – Disguised as a elderly woman, Andrew takes his newly adopted Clare into a random house. Later a housewife returns from shopping and finds “Millicent” giving Clare a bath in her kitchen sink. Still later, the husband returns from work.

Monster Reveal – In the sink he finds human bones. He runs screaming from the house. Cops arrive. A tiny Andrew climbs from a storm drain outside and returns to adult size.

Character Death 3: Clare

Why: Clare prick teased him

How: Butchers her in the sink

Midpoint: Homicide detective Mabel and forensics specialist Ethel meet at a homicide cop conference, compare crime scenes notes and find they point to a single killer—Andrew.

Horror Situation – Andrew plops latest adoptee David in a bathtub in a mansion, cuts the cake he just baked and serves him a slice.

Monster Reveal – After a few bites, David convulse, has a seizure. Andrew cuts him up and roasts him.

Character Death 4: David

Why: David was a meany to Andrew

How: Poisoned cake

Horror Situation – In another kitchen, Andrew jams Elizabeth’s hands down the garbage disposal and turns it on. A housewife arrives and surprises him in her kitchen.

Monster Reveal – He processes her hands the same way and places both women in a plastic bag.

Later on a bridge, he empties the bag. Their remains drop into the river.

Character Death 5: Elizabeth

Why: She’s one of the kids who humiliated Andrew in class

How: Garbage disposal

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

FIGHT TO THE DEATH

Horror Situation – Andrew tasers recently adopted Floyd on his way home from school.

Monster Reveal – He chains him to a loading dock at a closed factory, gets on a forklift and pulls the chair he wrapped around his waist until Floyd’s abdomen pops from his stomach. His spine snaps. His liver protrudes.

Character Death 6: Floyd

Why: Floyd led the mean boys who made Andrew’s life miserable

How: Ripped apart by a forklift

Mabel and Ethel enter the front and back doors simultaneously, guns drawn.

In his right hand, Andrew holds a barber’s razor to the throat of Tara, Mabel’s little girl.

HYSTERIA

Mabel takes careful aim.

Ethel yells, NO! He’ll kill Tara.

Mabel hesitates. Ethel shoots Andrew in his right shoulder. He drops the razor. Snatches a steak knife with his left hand, prick’s Tara’s neck, dares them to shoot because he’ll kill Tara.

THE THRILLING ESCAPE FROM DEATH

Ethel aims and fires a bullet into M’Lord’s heart.

DEATH RETURNS TO TAKE ONE OR MORE.

Andrew reappears, throws a knife. It plunges into Ethel’s throat. She slumps to her knees. Bleeds out.

RESOLUTION

Mabel and Tara stand before Ethel’s gravestone in Rose Hills Cemetery.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Death Track

I learned doing this assignment it’s amazing how fast outlining goes when we fill in the death blanks.

A strange looking homeless man finds a newborn infant and puts it in pot over a fire to cook it. The child grasps a piece of his scaly skin. Instead of eating the kid, he feeds it. He raises him as his own. Years later one morning the boy can’t wake up the man and wanders away seeking food. He’s found and taken to an orphanage where Father Mike sees a note in his clothes. The boy’s name is Andrew.

The priest introduces Matthew to the other orphans. Sweet, young Matthew welcomes him. David, Elizabeth and Floyd bully him. The place is underfunded and the food is donated canned vegetables. The kids are half starved. In class it’s time to recite the alphabet. Matthew has a panic attack. The three encourage the others to boo and mock him. Matthew is devastated.

A power company utility worker arrives with paperwork to retrieve his son Andrew. Father Mike tells Andrew it’s wonderful he has a home to go to. The man drives him in his utility truck along a deserted two-lane highway and stops at a high-power transmission line in a large field. The man unlocks a junction box and shows Andrew two electric probes and jabs him with them. A violent explosion thrusts Andrew twenty feet into the air. Later he regains consciousness, looks around. There’s no sign of the man. He starts to stand up but finds himself floating to a standing position. He starts to walk back towards town but finds himself running effortlessly feet off the ground. He essentially flies along the two-lane. He returns to the orphanage.

Next day Howard, Isaac and Jake trip him on the staircase. He falls but rises and flies at them. They scatter and he kicks them all in the butt.

That night a dozen scaly skinned cannibals climb out of a manhole. Their leader, M’Lord points out the orphanage. Little old lady Millicent asks him for help with paperwork and getting better clothes.

Later Father Mike brings Millicent in to meet the kids. She adopts Andrew because he’s the sweetest boy, takes him to an abandoned restaurant and puts him in a filthy animal cage. She sheds her disguise. She’s actually a scaly skinned sea creature. She puts him is a huge broiler and turns up the heat. He says it’s too hot. She gives him a glass of water.

Terrified, he hops out, throws himself through a window. She follows. A shard slices her carotid, she dies. Andrew swaps clothes with her, puts her body in the oven. Bakes her till she’s a charred husk. Digs in, it’s the most protein he’s ever seen and eats heartily.

When the sirens near, he takes off. Crime scene cops investigate. Detective Mabel checks the water glass for prints. Traces the DNA she finds to Andrew. The baked corpse is identified as his.

Character Death 1: Andrew

· Why: He substituted his would-be murderer at the last minute

· How: He bakes her to death.

From the orphanage Andrew kidnaps and barbecues Betsy miles away in another township across the state line. Running from the SWAT team, he hides in another bathroom but the toilet won’t flush. When they break in, he’s not in sight. There’s a single fishy scale beside the sink drain. Young uniformed cop Ethel picks it up. (She later becomes a crime scene ET.)

Out front under the SWAT team monster Humvee, Andrew exits a curb drain. As he moves down the street, he grows back to normal size. The Humvee driver never stops reading his comic book.

Character Death 2: Betsy

· Why: Betsy laughed when he flubbed his first writing lesson

· How: Barbecue

Andrew disguised as Millicent takes her newly adopted daughter Clare into a house. Later, a housewife enters with groceries and is baffled to find “Millicent” giving Clare a bath in her kitchen sink. Still later, the husband returns from work. No sign of his wife. A stack of human bones in the sink. Horrified, he shouts, runs outside. Andrew climbs out of a tiny cabinet. Cops enter, corner him in a bathroom. Break in. He’s gone. Toilet is flushing. Where’d she go? Out front, Andrew wearing a dress climbs out of a sewer beneath the SWAT team’s military Humvee. He returns to adult size.

Character Death 3: Clare

· Why: Clare prick teased him

· How: Round over repeatedly

Midpoint: At a homicide conference, Ethel now a detective asks questions specific to the monster cases. At lunch break, Mabel, a detective from the adjoining state, mentions similar M.O.s she’s encountered in her investigations. They compare and consider the monster to be Andrew. Agree to keep in touch. Hunt for monster fine tunes.

Andrew follows David who will never return home. Family devastated. In a lavish looking house, he places the kid in the middle of a designer bathtub. He drapes over his chest and kneels down beside the tub. In another kitchen, the monster removes a blood red cake from the oven. Beside it, he props a snapshot of the kid on his bike, cuts the cake and serves it to the kid.

Character Death 4: David

· Why: David’s a meany

· How: Poisoned cake

Andrew makes a sandwich in another kitchen. Surprised by Elizabeth, the housewife, he jams her hand down the garbage disposal. Turns it on. Later he slides the gagged and tied up woman with no hands into a black plastic bag. Cut to: On a bridge, she slides out of the bag and drops into the river.

Character Death 5: Elizabeth

· Why: She’s one of the kids who humiliated Andrew about not knowing his alphabet

· How: Garbage disposal

Andrew follows Floyd who will never return home. Family devastated. In a lavish looking house, he places the kid in the middle of a designer bathtub. He drapes over his chest and kneels down beside the tub. In another kitchen, the monster removes a hot poker from the oven. He thrusts it into the kid.

Character Death 6: Floyd

· Why: Gary led the mean boys who made Andrew’s life miserable

· How: Stabbed by a forklift

Floyd roars into an abandoned company parking lot. Inside the door Andrew hides his face and waves at Floyd. Tasers him. Isaac wakes up chained to a loading dock. Andrew gets on a forklift and pulls Isaac away from the dock by a chain around his waist. Isaac screams in pain. Andrew pushes one fork of the forklift into Jake’s crotch. He screams.

Andrew reverses the forklift and pulls the chain. Gary shouts for help, tries to slip off the chain. Andrew speeds one of the forklift forks straight at him. It plunges into the wall beside him. Andrew pulls the chain tight. Gary’s abdomen pops from his stomach. He shrieks. His spine snaps. Blood everywhere. His liver protrudes.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

FIGHT TO THE DEATH

Mabel and Ethel enter the front and back doors simultaneously, guns drawn.

In his right hand, Andrew holds a barber’s razor to the throat of Tara, Mabel’s little girl.

HYSTERIA

Mabel takes careful aim.

Ethel yells, NO! He’ll kill Tara.

Mabel hesitates. Ethel shoots Andrew in his right shoulder. He drops the razor. Snatches a steak knife with his left hand, prick’s Tara’s neck, dares them to shoot because he’ll kill Tara.

THE THRILLING ESCAPE FROM DEATH

Ethel aims and fires a bullet into M’Lord’s heart.

DEATH RETURNS TO TAKE ONE OR MORE.

Andrew reappears, throws a knife. It plunges into Ethel’s throat. She slumps to her knees. Bleeds out.

RESOLUTION

Mabel and Tara stand before Ethel’s gravestone in Rose Hills Cemetery.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson’s Horror Situation Track

Doing this assignment, I learned it’s fun to mix and match Horror conventions and levels.

ACT 1

Atmosphere of Evil established: A pregnant woman puts away the garden hose and limps up the stairs. As she reaches the back door, a machete splits open the back of her head.

Horror Situation: Her two children who watch this from inside the house shriek in terror.

Reaction – Escape: The two kids lock the front door just before Machete Girl can enter.

Horror Situation: The night of the 10^th anniversary of their Mom’s death, during a lightning storm, the grown up kids, Pat and Anna, see Machete Girl standing in the backyard.

Reaction – Call the cops: Anna calls the cops who look for MG but she’s vanished.

Connect with characters: Pat & Anna welcome the 1st kids into their new daycare center. They are introduced and told they must never go into the basement. They hear a loud noise above them.

Denial of Horror: Pat and Anna open the roof door. They see only birds trying to land on the edge of the roof but can’t because nails point up around the edge to prevent birds from pooping on the roof.

Safety taken away: As they close the trap door, a green hand reaches out and grabs Anna’s arm.

Horror Situation: A green hand pulls the girl’s arm.

Reaction – The boy hits the hand with his revolver. The green hand disappears.

Horror Situation: Pat and Anna tie themselves back-to-back and enter the basement. The see evidence Machete Girl lives there.

Reaction –They hear noise, sense movements. Pat shoots at a shadow. The bullet ricochets & wounds Anna. They escape back upstairs.

Safety taken away: They get to the top but find the door has been nailed shut.

Horror Situation: Frightened, exhausted, delirious, they’re trapped at the top of the stairs.

Reaction – Denial: They bed down for the night, hoping everything will be better in the morning.

Monster: The nature of the beast: Each is haunted by a terrifying dream of their own brutal death.

Horror Situation: Nightmare of their death.

Reaction: They huddle together all night.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF
NO RETURN

Isolated / Trapped /
Abducted:

They force door open at first light. The
security guard is gone.

Horror Situation: But one of them is gone. They can’t find her anywhere.

Reaction: They call for backup. Three security guards arrive.

Horror Situation: MG beats on the basement door! They surround the door, guns drawn.

Reaction: Machete Girl tries to open the basement door. Guards are ready to shoot her.

Horror Situation: The door opens, swallows one of the guards and closes.

Char Death: Door closes on the guard. He dies a horrifying death.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Death returns to take one or more.
Bobby locks the kids in the basement, climbs the ladder to save Ruth and Sofi. A machete smashes his crotch.

He bleeds profusely. He fires a bullet into his brain.

Horror Situation: Helpless to save himself, Bobby sees he’s bleeding out.
Reaction: Knowing he’s dying and will never have children, Bobby kills himself.

Hysteria
Atop the ladder, Sofi sees Bobby do this and shrieks. Ruth shakes her. Let’s kill Ralph. Sofi calms down.

Horror Situation: Ruth: Get a grip. We have to save ourselves. It’s us or Ralph!

Reaction: Knowing he’s dying and will never have children, Bobby kills himself.

Fight to the death
Ruth starts up the stairs to the roof. Surprise: A machete embeds itself in the wall inches from her head. Ruth plunges down the dark staircase toward Ralph.

Horror Situation: The danger seemed to be over but the threat of death returns.

Reaction: Counter attack.

The thrilling escape from death
Ruth smashes into Ralph. They roll head over heels. He gets on top of her and swings a hammer at her face. Sofi grabs his collar and slams his head into the concrete wall.

Horror Situation: Ralph is about to brutally kill Ruth.
Reaction: Sofi brutally attacks Ralph.

Ralph pushes Sofi to the edge of the roof. Ruth drives a silver steak knife into Ralph’s heart.

Horror Situation: Ralph is about to throw Sofi off the roof.
Reaction: Ruth stabs Ralph.

Ralph grabs Ruth’s neck and chokes her. Sofi jerks him off her. Ruth pushes Ralph over the edge. He falls.

Horror Situation: Ralph brutally attacks Ruth and Sofi.
Reaction: Ruth and Sofi throw him off the roof.

Resolution

The detective examines the scrapbook, makes the connections and orders the cops to release Ruth.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson’s Horror Plot

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s easy to get a bird’s eye view of the entire structure at once.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR
HORROR

· Atmosphere of Evil established – Sanitation scientist says she’s never seen this before

· Connect with the characters – Two households connect but don’t admit each of them has been attacked by Monster

· The characters are warned not to do it – Scientist warns Mark who has a shotgun from what she’s seen, it’ll do no good.

· Denial of Horror – Each tells scientist they’re not sure it wasn’t just a dream

· Safety taken away – the rent-a-cop agency they all use abruptly closes closes down

· Monster: The nature of the beast – The “Detective” says the same thing happened here 20 years ago to the day—shows graphic photos.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

· Isolated / Trapped / Abducted – Cops see no evidence they should protect them. Armed son in law moves in.

· One of us killed – Next morning son in law is found butchered

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than
we thought!

· Full pursuit by the killer – Monster harvests the mail carrier leaving no trace. Cops will only issue a missing person alert.

· Terrorized – Group hides anywhere they can. Monster finds em and kills em.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

· Fight to the death – In 2 of the 3 homes the monster wins and kills everyone.

· Hysteria – There’s screaming, crying & shaking at all three locations

· The thrilling escape from death — over and over characters escape but then are caught and eaten

· Death returns to take one or more — All three lose yet another person

· Resolution — Lone survivor is traumatized for life

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson’s Characters for Horror

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s fun to mix and match characters and improve things as we progress.

Concept: A motorcycle gang of ghouls break into at a family’s fortified desert mansion and tortures the family to force the father to confess his family’s crime against their leader’s great grandfather in the 19th century.

Dying Pattern: The characters experience the terror and survive together, but one or two die.

Characters:

Leader: Jonathan – Grandfather who learned about the swindle as a child and grew up with it.

Rescuer: Mary – Jonathan’s wife; generic mother figure who must save her family.

Moral One: Michael – son; resourceful, inventive, and with a strong moral compass. He makes the Horror more realistic by letting the gang leader in, and creates the horrible events.

Complainer: Clare – daughter; sullen teenager with a weird boyfriend, and an independent streak. He creates the Horror worse.

Out of Control: Marty – Clare’s boyfriend: Would be detective who hates the father, knows there was a swindle and wants the father to admit it.

The Carrier: Stranger – Wounded and hunted by the gang, the Stranger is let in by Michael. The Stranger has the plague but doesn’t care if everyone gets it and dies an unspeakably horrible death.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson’s Terrifying Monster

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s not hard to make interesting monsters.

This monster travels secretly through the sewer system of pipes beneath city streets.

Its Terror: It appears only at night, kills its victims and quickly disappears leaving no trace.

Its Mystery: Why or how it picks its victims is unknown.

Its Fear Provoking Appearance: It looks like a Walking Dead figure with a metal plate on the side of its head.

Its Rules: Nothing the victim says or does stops the monster from killing them.

Its Mythology: Not yet known.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

MALIGNANT Horror Conventions

What I learned doing this assignment is there are many interesting ways Horror can create intrigue, suspense, tension and play for keeps.

James Wan, Director (SAW). New line Cinema, Atomic Monster, Starlight Media, My Entertainment. Warner Bros. 2021 Rating: R Horror, Mystery & thriller. Gross: $13.4 M US, $34M World

Concept: Madison is paralyzed by shocking visions of grisly murders, and her torment worsens as she discovers these waking dreams are in fact terrifying realities.

Terrorize the Characters: Monster kills mental hospital orderlies, jailed women, a dozen cops; makes creepy calls to Madison; husband beats up pregnant wife; uses surgical instrument used on him to kill her; lights on in police station explode.

Isolation: After monster kills her husband, Madison lives alone in her old mansion. Puts HD locks on doors.

Death: Bludgeons people to death, blood splatters walls. Stabs them in face with sword; slashes a doctor’s face and neck;

Monster: Gabriel’s an evil teratoma, a parasitic twin; capable of being invisible, flying, superhuman strength; hangs from ceilings; kills anyone who gets in his way; flies across a room and kills; switches street lights and house lights on and off; loves to maim and torture people; drinks mental hospital’s electricity and uses it to operate machinery; suddenly becomes visible and kills; Thunder rumbles; he’s heavily scarred, eerie green eyes; superhuman dives and loops down the outside of the fire escape: laughs manically; leaps up, flips backwards and kills; flies thru the air like a Ninja and stabs multiple uniform cops;

High Tension: She had 3 miscarriages in the last 2 years. Music that’s unnerving, low foreboding sinister, dark, dramatic, eerie, screeching, creepy and evil. Static on phone; windows abruptly open; a dozen low lives sneer at her; jailed woman urinates in pot. Rumbling noise; Muffled clanging; Roaring thunder and lightning; threatening phone calls; loud ringing noise; makes Madison watch him kill people in her dreams while she’s home in bed; Static crackles, phone beeps; Gunshots. Gasps; police station overhead lights explode; Indistinct shouting; hospital lights flash, pacemaker in guard’s chest explodes; lights go off; electronic feedback whines; Throws heavy hospital bed on Madison’s sister; guns fires; Madison cracks bones in her hands; muffled groan: chokes his mother in hospital until she flatlines; Rustling. Walls crumble.

Departure from Reality:

Monster can fly, control electricity, has superhuman strength, can commit murders miles from someone he shows it to in real time.

Moral Statement:

Sometimes we can be closer to people we aren’t blood related to than to those we are.

I’m late arriving at this genre and will complete my script conventions ASAP.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson

I agree to the terms of this release form.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Tom Wilson]

Hello, Everyone! I’m Tom Wilson, have written three scripts and taken many SU classes including ProSeries, Binge Worthy, Career Launch and MSC. I’m retired from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and was in the Writers Guild program in which professional screenwriters mentor veterans to write screenplays. I look forward to becoming Horror-Able.

[Tom Wilson]

QE # 6 – Rewrite Second Draft

LOGLINE: Reconciling differences isn’t easy.

ESSENCE: Diverse types can overcome difficulties and get together.

SCENE: Carley’s toughness links to Marcus’ being commanding.

Marcus’ being apologetic links to Carley’s politeness.

INT. COFFEE SHOP – MORNING

WAITRESS pours coffee for CARLEY, who finishes her breakfast at the counter.

WAITRESS
Did you want pie or fruit with that?

CARLEY
Not sure.

Waitress refills MARCUS’ coffee. He breakfasts in a booth. Pretends to read a paper.

MARCUS
There’s more sugar in the fruit than the pie.

CARLEY
Yogurt, please.
Portion size is the main thing.

Waitress brings her yogurt.

MARCUS
That’s better.

Carley stares at him as she eats her yogurt, puts cash beside her plate, picks up a toothpick and exits.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Carley checks her tires and in her car.

Marcus strolls by and looks her way.

CARLEY
Pardon me. But do you
hassle males like you do females?

MARCUS
Only when necessary.

CARLEY
I’ve seen you before.

MARCUS
In a lineup?

CARLEY
That’s it. Why were you picked up?

MARCUS
Nothing they could prove.

CARLEY
What did you do?

MARCUS
Usually what I want to.
I was at the right place and time.

CARLEY
I’m sure you know which.

MARCUS
Depends who’s looking.
You’re with the local P.D.

CARLEY
So you are a detective.

MARCUS
Please. I have to work for
a living. I do undercover.

He holds up his badge.

CARLEY
But you’re still a detective.

MARCUS
Driving around interviewing gets
old. No skin in the game. Better
to get down in the dirt and see
to it bent folks don’t win.

CARLEY
You care about right or wrong.

MARCUS
I tend to let people
do what they’re best at.

CARLEY
So you can put them in jail.

MARCUS
If they’re so inclined, I assist.

She glances around and sees no other cars in the lot

CARLEY
Can I offer you a lift?

MARCUS
Would you mind you dropping me at the station?

She sees a pistol tucked in his boot.

CARLEY
Which P.D. are you with?

MARCUS
State.

CARLEY
Then you work high-end political stuff.

MARCUS
Unfortunately.

CARLEY
You got something on a local?

Carley drives them a few blocks and pulls into her police station parking lot.

As they exit the front seat, Marcus pops her trunk and moves to the back of the car.

CARLEY
What the hell!

Puzzled, she runs to the back of her car. Cautiously looks in the trunk. Sees a pile of mail.

Her eyes bulge. She gasps.

CARLEY
They put it in the wrong car.

Hugs herself with her arms.

MARCUS
Checks stolen from mail boxes
in the apartment next door to you.

CARLEY
How? What? Why?

MARCUS
I’m sorry. It’s a sensitive cop
case. The grand jury you testified
before indicted your partner Spivak.

CARLEY
For shooting that unarmed
Castro kid last month.

She shakes her head at the stolen mail.

CARLEY
Why would he do that?

Marcus shows her video on his cellphone.

MARCUS
Last night we caught Spivak planting this in your car.

CARLEY
But why?

MARCUS
His lawyer must think it’ll discredit your testimony.

CARLEY
You got him for witness tampering.

She leans against the car. Holds her head with her hands.

He unfolds a plastic bag. Fills it with the mail. Takes it inside.

A few minutes later he returns.

She grabs him and kisses him. He kisses her back.

CARLEY
May I take you out to dinner tonight?

He smiles, clearly embarrassed.

MARCUS
I’m sorry I strung you along about this.

CARLEY
How about you swing by at seven?

MARCUS
Let’s meet at the restaurant.

Carley is not so sure about that.

[Tom Wilson]

QE#6 – Second Draft

LOGLINE: Reconciling differences isn’t easy.

ESSENCE: Diverse types can overcome difficulties and get together.

SCENE: Carley’s toughness links to Marcus’ being commanding.

Marcus’ being apologetic links to Carley’s politeness.

INT. COFFEE SHOP – MORNING

WAITRESS pours coffee for CARLEY, who finishes her breakfast at the counter.

WAITRESS
Did you want pie or fruit with that?

CARLEY
Not sure.

Waitress refills MARCUS’ coffee. He breakfasts in a booth. Pretends to read a paper.

MARCUS
There’s more sugar in the fruit than the pie.

CARLEY
Yogurt, please.
Portion size is the main thing.

Waitress brings her yogurt.

MARCUS
That’s better.

Carley stares at him as she eats her yogurt, puts cash beside her plate, picks up a toothpick and exits.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Carley checks her tires and in her car.

Marcus strolls by and looks her way.

CARLEY
Pardon me. But do you
hassle males like you do females?

MARCUS
Only when necessary.

CARLEY
I’ve seen you before.

MARCUS
In a lineup?

CARLEY
That’s it. Why were you picked up?

MARCUS
Nothing they could prove.

CARLEY
What did you do?

MARCUS
Usually what I want to.
I was at the right place and time.

CARLEY
I’m sure you know which.

MARCUS
Depends who’s looking.
You’re with the local P.D.

CARLEY
So you are a detective.

MARCUS
Please. I have to work for
a living. I do undercover.

He holds up his badge.

CARLEY
But you’re still a detective.

MARCUS
Driving around interviewing gets
old. No skin in the game. Better
to get down in the dirt and see
to it bent folks don’t win.

CARLEY
You care about right or wrong.

MARCUS
I tend to let people
do what they’re best at.

CARLEY
So you can put them in jail.

MARCUS
If they’re so inclined, I assist.

She glances around and sees no other cars in the lot

CARLEY
Can I offer you a lift?

MARCUS
Would you mind you dropping me at the station?

She sees a pistol tucked in his boot.

CARLEY
Which P.D. are you with?

MARCUS
State.

CARLEY
Then you work high-end political stuff.

MARCUS
Unfortunately.

CARLEY
You got something on a local?

Carley drives them a few blocks and pulls into her police station parking lot.

As they exit the front seat, Marcus pops her trunk and moves to the back of the car.

CARLEY
What the hell!

Puzzled, she runs to the back of her car. Cautiously looks in the trunk. Sees a pile of mail.

Her eyes bulge. She gasps.

CARLEY
They put it in the wrong car.

Hugs herself with her arms.

MARCUS
Checks stolen from mail boxes
in the apartment next door to you.

CARLEY
How? What? Why?

MARCUS
I’m sorry. It’s a sensitive cop
case. The grand jury you testified
before indicted your partner Spivak.

CARLEY
For shooting that unarmed
Castro kid last month.

She shakes her head at the stolen mail.

CARLEY
Why would he do that?

Marcus shows her video on his cellphone.

MARCUS
Last night we caught Spivak planting this in your car.

CARLEY
But why?

MARCUS
His lawyer must think it’ll discredit your testimony.

CARLEY
You got him for witness tampering.

She leans against the car. Holds her head with her hands.

He unfolds a plastic bag. Fills it with the mail. Takes it inside.

A few minutes later he returns.

She grabs him and kisses him. He kisses her back.

CARLEY
May I take you out to dinner tonight?

He smiles, clearly embarrassed.

MARCUS
I’m sorry I strung you along about this.

CARLEY
How about you swing by at seven?

MARCUS
Let’s meet at the restaurant.

Carley is not so sure about that.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

QE#6 – First Draft

LOGLINE: Reconciling differences isn’t easy.

ESSENCE: Diverse types can overcome difficulties and get together.

SCENE: Carley’s toughness links to Marcus’ being commanding.

Marcus’ being apologetic links to Carley’s politeness.

INT. COFFEE SHOP – MORNING

ALICE pours coffee for CARLEY, who finishes her breakfast at the counter.

ALICE
Did you want pie or fruit with that?

Carley can’t decide.

She refills MARCUS’ coffee. He eats breakfast in a nearby booth and reads a paper.

MARCUS
There’s more sugar in the fruit than the pie.

ALICE hikes past Carley.

CARLEY
He should mind his own
business. I’ll have yogurt.

Alice brings her yogurt.

MARCUS
That’s even worse.

Carley takes two bites of her yogurt. Puts cash beside her plate. Picks up a toothpick and exits.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Carley climbs in her car.

Marcus strolls by.

CARLEY
I bet you don’t hassle males
like you do females.

MARCUS
It’s easy to have insufficient information.

CARLEY
Where have I seen you before?

He glances at her backseat and sees a police uniform in a drycleaners bag.

MARCUS
In a lineup?

CARLEY
Why were you picked up?

MARCUS
Nothing they could prove.

CARLEY
What did you do?

MARCUS
I usually do only what I want to.
I was at the wrong place. Wrong
time. Or right place and time.

CARLEY
I’m sure you know which.

MARCUS
Depends who’s looking.
You’re with the local P.D.

CARLEY
And you must be a detective.

MARCUS
Please. I have to work for
a living. I work undercover.

He holds up a badge.

CARLEY
But you are a detective.

MARCUS
Driving around interviewing gets
old. No skin in the game. Better to
get down in the dirt with folks
who try to get away with something.

CARLEY
That explains your back and
forth about right or wrong.

MARCUS
I tend to let people
do what they’re best at.

CARLEY
You mean you send folks to jail.

MARCUS
If they’re so inclined, I
don’t stop them.

She glances around and sees no other cars in the lot

CARLEY
Need a ride?

MARCUS
Can you drop me off at the station?

She sees a pistol tucked in his boot.

CARLEY
Which department are you with?

MARCUS
State.

CARLEY
A state cop. You do high-end political stuff.

MARCUS
Sometimes.

CARLEY
What brings you here? One of our cases?

Carley drives them a few blocks and pulls into her police station parking lot.

As they exit the front seat, Marcus pops her trunk and moves to the back of her car.

Puzzled, she follows, cautiously looks in the trunk, sees a pile of mail.

Her eyes bulge. She gasps. Hugs herself with her arms.

CARLEY
What the hell!

MARCUS
Checks stolen from mail boxes
in the apartment next door to you.

CARLEY
How? What? Why?

MARCUS
We’re in it because it’s a sensitive cop
case. The grand jury you testified
before indicted your partner Spivak.

CARLEY
For shooting that unarmed
Castro kid last month.

She shakes her head at the stolen mail.

CARLEY
But why this?

Marcus shows her video on his cellphone.

MARCUS
Last night we spotted Spivak planting this in your car.

CARLEY
But why?

MARCUS
His lawyer must think it’ll discredit your testimony.

CARLEY
You got him for witness tampering.

She leans against the car. Holds her head with her hands.

He unfolds a plastic bag. Fills it with the envelopes. Takes it inside.

A few minutes later he returns.

MARCUS
May I take you out to dinner tonight?

Carley smiles, clearly embarrassed.

CARLEY
Of course. I had no idea …

MARCUS
How about I swing by at seven?

CARLEY
Okay. Here, I’ll give you my address.

MARCUS
I’ve known it for a long time. #

[Tom Wilson]

LOGLINE: A car accident draws more than one scammer.

ESSENCE: Everyone wants to fleece everyone else.

SCENE: A Lamborghini runs off a country road.

EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY WHERE TWO TOWNSHIPS MEET – NIGHT

NANCY smacks SQUIRE when he wants to help her exit a Lamborghini that’s in a ditch.

Their sports car just wiped out a giant high voltage steel tower.

Big boned Nancy’s outfit and hairdo are decades younger than her late-forties.

Squire’s smile charms. His eyes scheme. Jet black hair belies his sixty-plus years.

SQUIRE
But what the hell just happened? I could have
been killed. You could have handled this a lot better.

NANCY
Are you okay? Cuts, bruises? If you
hit your head, you can’t be injured.

SQUIRE
One minute I’m on top of the world.
Next I see law suits and jail time.

NANCY
You and you’re damn senior moments. You sweet-talked
me into doing this. Now we’re aimed straight downhill.

SQUIRE
One minute we have the usual heated
discussion. Next, we tramp around in the boonies.

NANCY
Our best days are behind us.
So much for a rosy future.

SQUIRE
You just totaled a quarter-million
dollar wet dream rental car.

NANCY
And you were too cheap to take the comprehensive
insurance. Our financial future is a freshly dug grave!

A police car arrives. Policewoman OFFICER FRITZ exits and opens her notebook.

Nancy rushes up to her.

NANCY
Good to see a female on the job. I’m always
looking for ways to jack up – not off – guys
who follow their joints around looking to stick it in …

Squire steps up sporting his smoothest smile for Officer Fritz.

SQUIRE
Your hair looks good. You got here so quick.
Did someone call or …

Officer Fritz nods at the downed steel tower.

OFFICER FRITZ
First clue was our power went out …

SQUIRE
You’re so smart. You should be the police chief.

OFFICER FRITZ
Actually I am. Also, receptionist, janitor and maid.

NANCY
You the only one at the cop house.

SQUIRE
She meant “police station,” didn’t you, Honey?

NANCY
Don’t honey me, cocksucker. After what you did.

OFFICER FRITZ
Whoa! What happened here? Sir?

ANOTHER COP CAR – flashing lights, siren – speeds at them.

Nancy nods at Squire.

NANCY
He had way too many snorts at your
dumpy diner. Had to check his Schwab account
on his phone doing twenty over the speed limit.

Fritz writes.

Squire gapes at Nancy like she’s possessed.

SQUIRE
I’m sure you’re smarter than to believe that, Officer.
It was her who insisted on driving. I let her. My bad.

NANCY
If it was me driving, we wouldn’t be in this hellhole.

SQUIRE
Officer, she didn’t mean that. I bet your cozy
little community has a comfy motel a ways out
of town where town folk renew old acquaintances.

OFFICER FRITZ
Let’s see your drivers’ licenses.

Squire and Nancy hand them over.

OFFICER FRITZ
Same last name. You’re married.

NANCY
Were. He pimps me now instead of pumping. I wear
knee pads. Mouth wash a dozen times a day. He says
it’s how I earn my alimony.

The other police car screeches to a halt. Uniformed OFFICER MARLON fumbles from the car, tightens his belt that holds up heavy cop paraphernalia.

He tries to look older than his 20 years. Rushes back to grab his uniform hat. Joins them.

Nancy spreads her arms. Fields a grin like she will mount this lad where he stands.

NANCY

Do we get to vote which officer cuffs us face
down. Does what he must to get us to
come. Up. Again and again. With the truth.

OFFICER FRITZ
All taken care of, Officer Marlon.

Officer Marlon whips out a GPS. Waves it in a loop for the best signal.

OFFICER MARLON
Not according to this. Their vee-hickle’s
just inside our town border.

OFFICER FRITZ
Skid marks. They left the pavement
on our side of the border. It’s my collar.

OFFICER MARLON
But it’s my turn.

NANCY
Are you two screwing with us?

Officer Marlon composes himself. Tries to think of something cop-ish to say.

Squire uses his best sad face on Officer Fritz.

SQUIRE

I’m not used to all this drama. How serious is it?

Fritz glances at the wrecked Lambo and broken high voltage tower.

A utility truck pulls up. Workmen carry equipment to the downed tower.

OFFICER FRITZ
Car moving plenty fast. Driver lost control. Pure
and simple. Don’t know what you pay for electricity.
Next month’s bill’s gonna be a whopper.

MARLON

What about that deer?

Fritz stops writing.

Squire blinks, staggers in a circle. Did he say ‘a deer’? Am I losing my mind?

Marlon shows him several pictures of deer galloping across the highway.

Squire’s face lights up.

SQUIRE
Oh, I forgot. Swerved to avoid that critter.
Made us to run off the road.

He reaches for one of Marlon’s pictures. Marlon pulls it back.

MARLON
How much cash yah got on yah?

OFFICER FRITZ
Better yet.

She holds an attacking 7-foot grizzly bear photo, Photoshopped into the middle of the two lane.

MARLON
My deer are more believable.

Squire looks through his wallet.

SQUIRE
Two thousand.

Marlon examines Squire’s tiny wallet.

MARLON
I spotted more inside that there flap.

SQUIRE
Those are grocery store coupons.

OFFICER FRITZ
How about the fierce-some bear for $1800?

Marlon shuffles his deck and produces another photo.

MARLON
My best deer for $1775.

A car with a State Farm Insurance ad on its side parks.

OFFICER FRITZ
That’s Mel. Your time’s just about run out.

Squire wipes sweat off his neck and takes deep breathes.

Nancy takes his hand.

NANCY
What’ll it be? Defrauding the insurance
company, or do you have an extra quarter
million to buy the wrecked booty-magnet?

SQUIRE
What about the tower of power?
I bet it costs more than the Lambo.

MARLON
For $2000, which deer picture do you like?

SQUIRE
You just said $1775.

OFFICER FRITZ
A person’s better motivated to run off the
road by a bear than a deer. $3000. Final price.

MARLON
The man has only $2000.

Fritz whips out a wireless credit card reader. She waves it in a loop.

OFFICER FRITZ
Good signal.

Reluctantly Squire pulls out a credit card.

MARLON
If you want my best deer, I’ll let it go for $2500.

SQUIRE
Why’s the price keep spiking for Chrissakes?

MARLON
It’s a true mystery.

Fritz holds the card reader under Marlon’s nose.

OFFICER FRITZ
If you wanta use my
machine, we be splittin’ it.

In his eighties, insurance man Mel exits his car with a clipboard. Takes pictures of the sports car and electric tower. Joins the others.

MEL
What’s happened to these lovely children?

Fritz looks at Squire and Nancy.

OFFICER FRITZ
Give us a moment.

She takes Mel by the arm and walks him over to the Lamborghini.

They exchange whispered shouts and return.

Mel hands Squire the clipboard.

MEL
Sign at the bottom.

SQUIRE
Xeroxed handwriting. It ain’t mine.

MEL
It’s your account of how that horrible beast …

He turns to Fritz and Marlon.

MEL
So what’s it this time? The bear or the deer?

In horror, Squire stares at Nancy. She doesn’t even try to hide her grin. #

<br clear=”all”>

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Interest Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s fun to hide Interest Techniques to maximize meaning in my screenwriting.

Logline: Aggressive financier Donald, who operates a multi-billion-dollar hedge fund, is fed up listening to administrative assistant Maria’s financial advice and in a fit of rage fires her and says she won’t get her annual bonus. She says she’s fed up with his sexual advances. Cleans out her desk. Next day he finds an email that says billionaire Melvin will ring the New York Stock Exchange IPO bell tomorrow morning launching the hottest global wi-fi satellite network. That evening Donald spots Maria at an exclusive eatery with much touted entrepreneur Melvin.

Interest technique ideas: surprise; alternate hope and fear; suspense; intrigue; dramatic irony; uncertainty; intrigue; something unseen.

Scene:

INT. RESTAURANT LADIES ROOM – NIGHT

MARIA enters the first toilet stall. She comes face to face with DONALD who wears a woman’s blonde wig.

Maria starts to scream. Donald puts his hand over her mouth.

DONALD
No worries. I’m harmless. How much
is Melvin’s offering price at tomorrow’s IPO?

She elbows him in the groin. He doubles over. Thrashes, gasps about on the floor. Deflated of breath.

MARIA
Why would I tell you, Moron.

DONALD

Make. It. Worth. Your. While.

MARIA
You’re the one said you know everything before it happens.

DONALD
I lied. Will his IPO really be as
big as Facebook?

MARIA

Yes. Like I told you but you wouldn’t listen.

DONALD
Oh, my God! It’s a Red Alert.

He pulls out his phone.

She grabs it from his hand.

MARIA
It’s also inside information.

DONALD
I want in on the action. In line with
his pals for the first buy at ground zero tomorrow.

MARIA
How much is it worth to not report you?

DONALD
How about your job back?

MARIA
My ass still has bruises from sex on your desk. No thanks.

DONALD

How about a million in cash?

MARIA
How about 10 million into my Caribbean account.

DONALD
You’re dreaming.

DONALD
Chump change compared to what you’ll make.

The outer door opens and two women enter.

Maria pulls Donald up on to the toilet and closes the stall door.

This time Maria’s hand is over Donald’s mouth.

The two women finish their business and exit.

Maria steps out of the stall and starts to exit.

DONALD
Your best offer?

She stops, closes the door.

MARIA

Eight mill.

DONALD

Five. No mas.

MARIA
Seven million. No menos.

He reluctantly nods. Tickles his iPhone.

DONALD
What’s the number?

She rattles off her offshore bank account number.

He keys it in. Stops. Looks at her.

DONALD
Before I hit Send, how do I know you’re telling the truth.

MARIA

Swear to God. My mother’s grave. My first born?

He hits Send. Looks up. Sees in the mirror her fingers are crossed behind her back.

His eyes jump back to his cell. It’s too late.

She holds up her hand and uncrosses her fingers.

MARIA
Just kidding.

DONALD
Okay. It’s your turn. Where’s proof I’m in?

MARIA
As soon as it arrives in my account.

She steps out of the stall. Checks her phone. Suddenly grins.

Donald picks himself up. Dusts himself off. Exits the stall.

He discovers he’s alone in the ladies’ room.

He rushes out to the dining area. Maria’s nowhere in sight.

He scurries over to MELVIN who dines with two expensively suited men.

DONALD
Melvin. Congrats on your IPO tomorrow. So soon.

Melvin frowns at his two companions.

MELVIN
I wish. We still got weeks of red tape.

DONALD
Did Maria leave?

Melvin squints at Donald.

MELVIN
You’re the punk that lady said abused her. She begged me to protect her.

Melvin nods. A six-foot-four knuckle dragger puts an arm around Donald.

MELVIN

Ensure the gentleman doesn’t have an
accident running too fast down the back steps. #

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s fun to give the reader high quality interest and suspense.

Scene Logline: Clare wants to hide the truth about the undies from her mom.

INT. CLARE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Kate puts Clare’s clean clothes into her dresser. She notices slinky thong undies hidden at the bottom.

KATE
Where did you get these?

CLARE
They’re for blackmail. Just in case.

KATE

What’s that mean?

CLARE
If Warren sues for my custody when
you leave, I’ll threaten to show pictures
of me wearing them I took on his phone.

KATE
But what keeps him from going
after you anyway when I leave?

CLARE
I also used the undies to seduce my
teacher Bill into leaving his family. We’ll
live together and he’ll to protect me. #

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Character Relationships

I learned doing this assignment that it’s fun to mix and match traits between characters to achieve a multitude of desired emotional dramatic scenes.

Top four characters:

Kate – curious, ambitious, adventurous, smart

Warren – aggressive, ruthless, self-serving, revengeful

Clare – insightful, observant, jealous, sullen

Roswell – happy go lucky; suspicious, guarded, conspiratorial

Kate and Warren:

– Rapport: Kate’s ambition Warren’s aggressiveness can combine to reach a common goal.

– Conflict: Kate’s curiosity and Warren’s self-serving are constantly at odds.

– Contrast: Kate’s smarts keep her moving ahead while Warren’s revengefulness pulls him down.

– Competition: Kate’s adventurousness and Warren’s ruthlessness set them to fighting.

– Subtext: Kate’s smarts vs Warren’s aggression causes them to clash when decisions are made.

Change Kate’s ambitiousness to stability, she clashes with Warren’s self-serving that elevates conflict.

Kate and Clare:

– Rapport: Kate’s curiosity and Clare’s insights harmonize when seeking a common goal.

– Conflict: Kate’s ambition to go to Mars vs Clare’s jalousie Kate’s not spending time with her.

– Contrast: Kate’s adventurousness nature vs Clare’s sullenness because she doesn’t like it.

– Competition: Kate’s smart vs Clare’s observations compete for the correct truth or fact.

– Subtext: Kate’s curiosity about Clare’s evasive actions to protect herself heightens subtext.

Change Clare’s sullenness to self-protection vs Kate’s curiosity elevates subtext even more.

Kate and Roswell:

– Rapport: Kate’s curiosity and Roswell’s suspicions fit hand in glove.

– Conflict: Kate’s ambitions and happy-go-lucky attitude are at odds and cause conflict.

– Contrast: Kate’s adventurous nature and guardedness show them in deep contrast.

– Competition: Kate’s science smarts and Roswell’s conspiracy theories compete to learn the truth.

– Subtext: Kate’s ambitions grind on Clare’s fearful insight that Kate will abandon her.

Change Roswell’s happy go lucky to paranoia, combine it with Kate’s ambition to raise conflict.

Warren and Kate:

– Rapport: Only when Warren’s aggression combines with Kate’s ambition can they have rapport.

– Conflict: Warren’s ruthlessness vs Kate’s smart approach make for deep conflict.

– Contrast: Warren’s self-serving is in steep contrast to Kate’s adventurous approach.

– Competition: Warren’s need for revenge competes with Kate’s smarts to prove who’s right.

– Subtext: Kate’s smart approach to Warren’s aggressive acts makes for lots of subtext.

Change Warren’s ruthless to nasty, and he fights with Kate’s smarts to up the conflict.

Warren and Clare:

– Rapport: Only when Warren’s self-serving combines with Clare’s insight can they have rapport.

– Conflict: When Warren’s aggressive and Clare’s sullen, there’s great conflict between them.

– Contrast: Warren’s ruthlessness with Clare’s observance creates high contrast between them.

– Competition: Warren’s need for revenge with Clare’s

– Subtext: To hide Warren’s need for revenge and Clare’s jealousy much subtext is needed.

Change Warren’s ruthless to predatory. Matched with Clare’s sullenness it ups the conflict.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson’s QE Cycle #4 – One trait changed in one character

LOGLINE: Two young women debate a broken promise.

ESSENCE: Maxine thinks Renee betrayed her.

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Maxine’s Snobbish is now Inferiority Complex

SCENE:

EXT. LEAFY PARK NEAR MODERN OFFICE BUILDINGS – DAY

RENEE and MAXINE chase a food truck as it pulls away from the curb.

Patrons eat fast-food lunches they just bought off the “roach coach.”

A sexy Latina in blue jeans, a man’s checkered shirt and work boots, Maxine runs along the sidewalk. Waves at the food truck.

A chubby white-bread gringa in ritzy business casual and heels, Renee steps in front of the truck which abruptly brakes. Almost hits her.

The male driver makes a rude gesture at Renee who takes no notice.

Both women yell their orders to the cook through the side window.

MAXINE

Breakfast burrito, por favor.

Renee elbows Maxine aside.

RENEE
Club sandwich on sour dough.

Chop, chop.

Renee brushes her hair in the truck window’s reflection.

FEMALE COOK
“Sore,” qué? No comprende.

MAXINE
la mujer perdedora quiere un
sandwich club en masa madre.

The cook looks at Renee, nods, smiles agreement with Maxine.

Both women pay for their food.

RENEE
Oh! Is that you?

MAXINE
Name’s still Maxine. When you spoke at
our company meetup, you said I was
qualified to advance and you’d put
in a good word for me with your boss.

RENEE
Technically I didn’t. It wouldn’t
have done you any good.

MAXINE
I’ve had my hopes dashed before.

You don’t care for Latinas.

RENEE
In some cases, you’re in high demand.

MAXINE
I tried to leave a voice mail for you but it was full.

RENEE
So you’re the one who filled it up.

MAXINE
I get it. You’re only friendly
when you have to be.

RENEE

I was joking. It’s good PR for
headhunters to address …
people who want to get ahead.

MAXINE
Giving false hope we can
advance floats your boat.

RENEE
I kept all of your group’s resumes. If
you qualify for anything I’ll consider you.

Maxine grabs her arm.

MAXINE
You shittin’ me?

Renee pries Maxine’s fingers off her pleated sleeve.

The cook hands them their orders.

RENEE
Don’t give me reason to shitcan your resume.
Get a higher-level software certification.
The new hot stuff. Send me an update.

She hands Maxine her business card.

RENEE
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. This mujer
perdedora and you can do each other some good.

Maxine watches her do a brisk pace back to her building.

She blinks at the card. #

[Tom Wilson]

Let me know if anyone would like to trade critiques. – wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

Rewritten scene based on Hal’s two helpful videos:

SITUATION: 2 people who don’t trust each other team up to do a job.

SCENE ARC: From: being forced together

to: making a total mess out of the situation.

NANCY
Traits

– Confrontational

– Stubborn

– Scheming

– Caring

Subtext: Nancy is a scheming lady who’s covertly competitive with peers.

SQUIRE
Traits

– Evasive

– Selfish

– Happy-go-lucky

– Seductive

Subtext: Squire is a seductive guy who uses his charm to control others.

————————-End Scene Description—————

LOGLINE: A car accident draws scammers like flies.

ESSENCE: Everyone’s a con artist.

SCENE: A Lamborghini runs off a country road.

EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY WHERE TWO TOWNSHIPS MEET – NIGHT

SQUIRE assists NANCY as they exit a Lamborghini and climb from a ditch.

Their sports car just wiped out a giant high voltage steel tower.

Nancy’s outfit and hairdo are decades younger than her mid-forties.

Squire’s smile charms. His eyes scheme. Jet black hair belies his sixty years.

SQUIRE
I’m missing the last hour. What
just happened that disappeared?
One minute I’m on top of the world.
Next we’re looking at law suits and jail time.

NANCY
What the hell do we do now? It’s another one of
your senior moments. It was you sweet-talked
me into this boondoggle. I bet we ain’t seen the worst.

SQUIRE
Something else is going on here. What’s missing?
One minute we’re having the usual heated
discussion. Next, we’re tramping around in the boonies.

NANCY
I fear our best days are behind us.
So much for our rosy future.

SQUIRE
But what the hell just happened?
I could have been killed. You could have
handled this a lot better.

NANCY
Are you okay? Cuts, bruises? If you
hit your head, it didn’t hurt you.

SQUIRE
You just totaled a quarter-million
dollar wet dream rental car.

NANCY
And were you too stupid or was it too cheap
to pay for the comprehensive insurance?
I just flashed on our financial future — a freshly dug grave!

A police car arrives. Uniformed policewoman FRITZ exits and greets them.

Nancy rushes up to her.

Officer Fritz pulls out her notebook.

NANCY
Good to see a female on the job. I’m always
looking for ways to jack up – not off – guys
who follow their joints around looking to stick it in …

Squire steps between them sporting his smoothest smile for Officer Fritz.

SQUIRE
Your hair looks good. You
got here so quick. Did someone call or …

Officer Fritz nods at the downed steel tower.

OFFICER FRITZ
First clue was our power went out …

SQUIRE
You’re so smart. You should be the police chief.

OFFICER FRITZ
Actually I am. Also, receptionist, janitor and maid.

NANCY
Of course. Poor dear. You must be
the only one at the cop house.

SQUIRE
She meant “police station,” didn’t you, Honey?

NANCY
Don’t honey me, cocksucker. After what you did.

OFFICER FRITZ
Whoa! What happened here? Sir?

Another cop car – flashing lights, siren – speeds from the opposite direction.

Nancy nods at Squire.

NANCY
He’ll just lie. He had way too many snorts at
that dumpy eatery of yours. Insisted he
had to check his Schwab account on his phone.
Same time doing twenty over the speed limit.

Fritz writes.

Squire gapes at Nancy like she’s possessed.

SQUIRE
I’m sure you’re smarter than to believe that, Officer.
It was her who insisted on driving. I let her. My bad.

NANCY
If it was me driving, we wouldn’t be in this hellhole.

SQUIRE
Officer, she didn’t mean that. I bet your cozy
little community has a comfy motel a ways out
of town where town folk renew old acquaintances.

OFFICER FRITZ
Let’s see your drivers’ licenses.

Squire and Nancy hand them over.

OFFICER FRITZ
Same last name. You’re married.

NANCY
Were. He pimps me. I wear knee pads
and use mouthwash a dozen times a day.
He says I have to earn my alimony.

The other police car screeches to a halt. Uniformed OFFICER MARLON fumbles from the car, tightens his belt holding up heavy cop paraphernalia.

He advances on them trying to look older than his twenty years. Halts. Rushes back to grab his uniform hat. Stuffs it on. Joins them.

Nancy fields a grin like she’s about to mount this lad where he stands.

NANCY

Can we vote which officer cuffs us face
down. Does what he must to get us to
come. Up. Again and again. With the truth.

OFFICER FRITZ
All taken care of, Officer Marlon.

Marlon whips out a GPS. Waves it in a loop for the best signal.

OFFICER MARLON
Not according to this. Their vee-hickle’s
just inside our town line.

OFFICER FRITZ
Skid marks. The car left the pavement
on our side. It’s our collar.

OFFICER MARLON
But it’s my turn.

NANCY
Are you two screwing with us?

Officer Marlon composes himself. Thinks of something cop-ish to say.

Squire uses his best sad face on Officer Fritz.

SQUIRE

I’m not used to all this drama. How serious is it?

Fritz glances at the wrecked Lambo and broken high voltage tower.

A utility truck pulls up. Workmen carry equipment to the downed tower.

OFFICER FRITZ
Car moving plenty fast. Driver lost control. Pure
and simple. Don’t know what you pay for electricity.
Next month’s bill’s gonna be a whopper.

MARLON

What about that deer?

Fritz stops writing.

Squire blinks, staggers in a circle. Did he say ‘a deer’? Am I losing my mind?

Marlon shows him several pictures of a deer galloping across the highway.

Squire’s face lights up.

SQUIRE
I forgot about that deer. Swerved to avoid it.
Caused us to run off the road.

He reaches for one of Marlon’s pictures. Marlon pulls it out his reach.

MARLON
How much cash yah got on yah?

OFFICER FRITZ
Better yet.

She holds up a photo of an attacking seven-foot grizzly bear Photoshoped like it’s standing in the middle of the two lane.

MARLON
My deer are more believable.
Squire looks through his wallet.

SQUIRE
Two thousand.

Marlon examines Squire’s tiny wallet.

MARLON
I spotted more inside that there flap.

SQUIRE
Those are grocery store coupons.

OFFICER FRITZ
How about the fierce some bear for $1800?

Marlon shuffles his deck and produces another photo.

MARLON
My best deer for $1775.

A car with a State Farm Insurance ad on the side slows down and parks.

OFFICER FRITZ
That’s Mel. Your time’s just about run out.

Squire wipes sweat off his neck and takes deep breathes.

Nancy takes his hand.

NANCY
What’ll it be? Defrauding the insurance
company, or do you have an extra quarter
million to buy the wrecked booty-magnet?

SQUIRE
What about the tower of power?
I bet it costs more than the Lambo.

MARLON
For $2000, which deer picture do you like?

SQUIRE
You just said $1775.

OFFICER FRITZ
A person’s better motivated to run off the
road by a bear than a deer. $3000.

MARLON
The man has only $2000.

Fritz whips out a wireless credit card reader. She waves it in a loop.

OFFICER FRITZ
Good signal.

Reluctantly Squire pulls out a credit card.

MARLON
If you want my best deer, I’ll let it go for $25,000.

SQUIRE
Why’s the price keep spiking for Chrissakes?

MARLON
It’s a true mystery.

Fritz holds the card reader under Marlon’s nose.

OFFICER FRITZ
If you wanta use my
machine, we be splittin’ it.

In his eighties, insurance man Mel exits his car with a clipboard. Takes pictures of the sports car and the tower. Joins the others.

MEL
What’s happened to
these lovely children?

Fritz looks at Squire and Nancy.

OFFICER FRITZ
Give us a moment.

She takes Mel by the arm and walks him over to the Lamborghini.

They finish whispering and return.

Mel hands Squire the clipboard.

MEL
Sign at the bottom.

SQUIRE
What’s all this handwriting? What am I signing?

MEL
It’s your account of how that horrible beast …

He turns to Fritz and Marlon.

MEL
So what’s it gonna be this time? Bear or deer?

In horror, Squire stares at Nancy. She doesn’t try to hide her grin. #

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Full-out Characters

What I’ve learned that improves my writing is it’s challenging to weave the plot and transition the characters into a structure that works well. This class is amazing.

BEN (Before)

DESCRIPTION: Ben struggles to work his farm. His young wife raises three grade school kids.

TRAITS: Strict, firm, happy go lucky, works hard at farming, leaves raising the kids to his wife.

SUBTEXT: He has a secret date once a week with one of the older women teachers at the kids’ school.

BEN (After)

DESCRIPTION: After his wife dies, he remarries, must life down his affair and can’t hide in farm work while his kids get used to their new Mom, and need to know Ben loves them.

TRAITS: Struggles to become be a real father to his kids.

SUBTEXT: When his wife dies, he woos the girl he left in college to marry his young wife.

KAREN (Before)

DESCRIPTION: Seasoned teacher grew up with Ben in this hard-working farm community.

TRAITS: Patient, friendly but firm, strict with students.

SUBTEXT: Wounded when Ben dropped her in college and married his younger wife.

KAREN (After)

DESCRIPTION: Overwhelmed when she becomes Ben’s wife and his kids’ new Mom.

TRAITS: Loving, understanding, adjusting.

SUBTEXT: It’s a challenge to be a good Mom to adopted kids who miss their “real” Mom.

MARK (Before)

DESCRIPTION: Ben’s brother employed on the farm is at odds with him over how to be successful.

TRAITS: Academic, naïve, caring, strong.

SUBTEXT: Believes his agricultural degree will enable him to help Ben make his farm a success.

MARK (After)

DESCRIPTION: Learns to adjust to the reality of a real farm operation.

TRAITS: Experienced, practical, more mature.

SUBTEXT: Realizes there’s more to a farming than what he learned in text books. #

[Tom Wilson]

QE Cycle 2 Scene

SITUATION LOGLINE: A young man whose sister died of an overdose, confronts the leader of the drug dealers who pretends to be just a bodyguard.

ESSENCE: Nick wants revenge for the death of his sister.

SCENE: Nick approaches the house where the drug kingpin controls his empire.

EXT. NICK’S HOUSE – NIGHT

John hikes up the driveway. BAM! A water balloon explodes at his feet.

NICK
Is there any more of yah?

Nick stands on the front porch. He leans a shotgun against the railing.

JOHN
Just me is plenty

NICK
Say what?

JOHN
What you see is what you got.

NICK
You here applying to work?

JOHN

Not hardly.

NICK
That’s good. Where’d you park?

John nods at a kitted-out red F-150 across the street.

NICK
You got two hours. After that
it’s a sixty-three-dollar parking ticket.

Nick pauses. Squints again at the Ford pickup.

NICK
That‘s my runner, Josh’s wheels.

JOHN
Was. Is Masters in?

NICK
Why?

JOHN
I’m Emma’s brother.

Nick is abruptly shaken. When he looks up, John points a revolver at his head.

John gestures. Nick backs away from the shotgun.

John tosses it into the bushes. They hear a muffled BOOM.

JOHN
You’re Masters, ain’t yah?

Nick looks away.

JOHN
Thought so. Was it you pulled the trigger?

NICK
What?

JOHN
Narcs said she had way too
strong s dose for that one vial.

Nick thinks about this.

NICK
Unless her and Josh had a jolt
before she took the second one.

It’s now John’s turn to think. #

[Tom Wilson]

Scene – Rewrite of Second Version

INT. DIRTY CAR REPAIR SHOP – NIGHT

TRENT enters.

ROBERT closes and locks the door.

Trent overdoes a Boston accent.

TRENT
This a tough nabahhood?

Robert picks up a glass of champagne. Nods at a second glass.

Trent raises the other one.

ROBERT
To the New Year.

TRENT
The New Yeah!

Trent takes a sip. Eyes a second-hand desk. Sees rips in an upholstered chair.

ROBERT
Our bright future ahead.

I was pleased to introduce
you to my sister.

TRENT
Madge is quite a gal.

ROBERT
But not so much lately.

Trent feels woozy. Sets his glass down.

Robert opens a backroom door.

ROBERT
Have a seat.

Trent enters the room and sits on a cot. Slumps over. Falls asleep.

LATER Trent wakes up. Goes to the door and pulls on the door handle. It’s locked.

From the outside, Robert opens the door and enters.

ROBERT
Madge’s pregnant because of you.

TRENT
What?

ROBERT
You’re lucky. She wants to
keep the baby and marry you.
TRENT
We had sex only once. A week ago.
How could she know she’s preggers.

ROBERT
You sound like an expert. Rape a lot of girls.

TRENT
There was no rape.

ROBERT
We won’t report it as long as you cooperate.

Trent puts his glass down. Takes a step forward.

TRENT
What’d yuh mean?

ROBERT
If you don’t marry her, you’ll
pay child support from now on.

TRENT
You can’t prove I’m the dad.

Robert slides Trent’s glass into a plastic baggy.

ROBERT
DNA don’t lie.

TRENT
I can’t afford to marry nobody.

ROBERT
What happened with the “pahk my cah in Ha-vid Sqar.”

TRENT
Or support a kid. I’m nearly broke.

ROBERT
What about those fancy
vacations. The Maserati?

TRENT
I watch Travel TV about fab vacations.
Impresses folks. The wheels are an old
friend’s. She’s in a wheelchair. I fetch her
eats. Lets me use the Maserati weekends.

ROBERT
I don’t buy it.

Trent shakes the door. It won’t open.

The door POPS open. MARVIN, a big-boned mouth breather, enters.

Trent pushes past him. Marvin punches him in the solar plexus.

Air abruptly exits Trent. Hands drop to his knees. Tiny gasps.

ROBERT
This is Marvin.
Oh, I see you’ve met.

TRENT
I’m ain’t the guy you think.

Marvin guides Trent who stumbles down the hall to a repair bay.

A hydraulic hoist holds a car overhead.

Marvin raises and tapes his hands to the tailpipe of the raised car.

Trent is trapped under a car that will fall at the touch of a button.

Robert speaks to Marvin.

ROBERT
Remember, the ER. Not the morgue.
Marvin punches Trent. #

[Tom Wilson]

Lesson 5 Scene – First Version

INT. CAR REPAIR SHOP – NIGHT

TRENT enters. ROBERT hands him a drink. They toast the new year.

ROBERT
I was pleased I introduced
you to my sister.

TRENT
Madge is quite a gal.

Trent feels woozy, looks at his drink.

Robert lets him lie down on a cot in his backroom.

Later Trent goes to exit but the backroom door is locked.

From the outside, Robert unlocks the door and enters.

ROBERT
You knocked Madge up.

TRENT
What?

ROBERT
You’re lucky. She wants to
keep the baby and marry you.

TRENT
We had sex only once. A week ago.
She can’t know yet if she’s pregnant.

ROBERT
If you don’t marry her, you’ll
pay child support from now on.

TRENT
I can’t afford to marry anybody.
Or support a child. I’m nearly broke.

ROBERT
What about all those fancy
vacations. And the Maserati?

TRENT
I watch Travel Channel about fab
vacations so I can impress people.
The wheels belong to an old friend I take
care of. She’s in a wheelchair. I fetch her
groceries. Get to use the Maserati weekends.

ROBERT
I don’t buy it.

Trent struggles with the door but can’t open it.

From the outside, MARVIN unlocks the door and enters.

Trent tries to escape. Marvin punches him in his solar plexus.

He gasps, can’t breathe.

ROBERT
Trent, this is Marvin.
Oh, I see you’ve met.

Marvin shoves Trent into the well in a the repair bay.

A hydraulic hoist holds a car directly above the well.

Marvin handcuffs Trent to the hydraulic shaft that raises and lowers cars to be worked on.

Trent embraces the hoist’s shaft directly under the elevated car.

TRENT
I’m not the guy you think I am.

Robert speaks to Marvin.

ROBERT
Remember, the ER. Not the morgue.
Marvin kicks Trent in his right kidney. #

<br clear=”all”>

Lesson 5 Scene – Rewritten Version

INT. DIRTY CAR REPAIR SHOP – NIGHT

TRENT enters.

ROBERT closes and locks the door.

Trent overdoes a Boston accent.

TRENT
This a tough nabahhood?

Robert picks up a glass of champagne. Nods at another on the desk.

Trent picks up the other glass. Raises it.

ROBERT
To the New Year.

TRENT
The New Yeah!

Trent takes a sip. Eyes a second-hand desk. Sees rips in an upholstered chair.

ROBERT
Our bright future ahead.

I was pleased to introduce
you to my sister.

TRENT
Madge is quite a gal.

ROBERT
But not so much lately.

Trent feels woozy. Sets down his glass.

Robert opens a backroom door.

ROBERT
Have a seat.

Trent enters the room and sits on a cot. Slumps over. Falls asleep.

LATER Trent wakes up. Pulls on the door handle. It’s locked.

From the outside, Robert opens the door and enters.

ROBERT
Madge’s pregnant because of you.

TRENT
What?

ROBERT
You’re lucky. She wants to
keep the baby and marry you.
TRENT
We had sex only once. A week ago.
How could she know if she’s preggers.

ROBERT
You’re an expert. Rape a lot of girls.

TRENT
There was no rape.

ROBERT
As long as you cooperate.

Trent puts his glass down. Takes a step forward.

TRENT
What’d yuh mean?

ROBERT
If you don’t marry her, you’ll
pay child support from now on.

TRENT
You can’t prove I’m the dad.

Robert slides Trent’s glass into a plastic baggy.

ROBERT
DNA don’t lie.

TRENT
I can’t afford to marry nobody.

ROBERT
What happened with the “pahk my cah in Ha-vid Sqar.”

TRENT
Or support a kid. I’m nearly broke.

ROBERT
What about those fancy
vacations. And the Maserati?

TRENT
I watch Travel Channel about fab vacations.
To impress people. The wheels are an old
friend’s. She’s in a wheelchair. I fetch her
eats. Get to use the Maserati weekends.

ROBERT
I don’t buy it.

Trent shakes the door. It won’t open.

The door POPS open. MARVIN enters.

Trent pushes past him. Marvin punches him in the solar plexus.

Abrupt exhale. Hands go to his knees. Short gasps for breath.

Marvin’s a big-boned mouth breather. Mustard on his cheek is left over from lunch.

ROBERT
This is Marvin.
Oh, I see you’ve met.

TRENT
I’m not the guy you think I am.

Marvin guides Trent out the door. He stumbles to a repair bay.

A hydraulic hoist holds a car overhead.

Marvin tapes Trent’s arms up to the hoist shaft.

Trent is trapped directly below the car that can be dropped at any time.

Robert speaks to Marvin.

ROBERT
Remember, the ER. Not the morgue.
Marvin punches Trent. #

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned: In this class, I’m learning clever ways to show – not tell – what my characters are really about.

Scene Logline: Warren wants Stu to show him how he launches. Also, Warren suspects Stu hides his sister whom he wants to kill.

Scene Essence: Stu refuses to show Warren what he wants to know.

Scene Rewritten with interest techniques:

EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT

Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the crypt-like building, a massive dish antenna. Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”

The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu hop out. Enter the building.

Stu reveals a crew capsule.

Warren hands Stu coordinates.

STU

Do it at night. No one’s around.

Stu mixes a drink. Hands it to Warren.

WARREN

Daytime. The world has to see it.

He ignores the drink.

STU

But the crew. Your Ex and my son will be in it.

He puts his drink back down.

Warren smirks.

STU

You really hate her that much.

WARREN

This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.

He strides to the door.

Stu doesn’t move.

STU

Why’d the President switch a Moon mission to Mars.

WARREN
To impress Kate.

STU

Potus got the hots for your Ex.

Warren straightens his back. Stares daggers at him.

Stu retreats to the crew capsule.

STU
What if Art doesn’t buy it.

WARREN

No choice. We have zero competition.

Outside Warren goes to the Humvee and removes a crippled dog.

He slow walks it for a pee.

EVELYN glares down at him from an upper floor window.

(She’s Warren’s sister whom he wants to kill. He doesn’t know Stu is hiding her from him.)

She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.

He returns the critter to the Humvee. Glances up at the building.

She ducks.

Warren glances over at Stu who waits for him to leave.

Warren drives away.

Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.

Enters, trots downstairs, passes dirty engine parts.

Examines rocket engines. Puts one on a lift that raises it to ground level.

Outside, he climbs into an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.

It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed. #

[Tom Wilson]

Lesson 14 – Tom Wilson’s QE Cycle #3

LOGLINE: A car accident draws scammers like flies.

ESSENCE: A bullshit artist can bullshit another bullshit artist.

SCENE: A Lamborghini runs off a country road.

EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY WHERE TWO TOWNSHIPS MEET – NIGHT

NANCY smacks SQUIRE when he wants to help her exit a Lamborghini that’s in a ditch.

Their sports car just wiped out a giant high voltage steel tower.

Big boned Nancy’s outfit and hairdo are decades younger than her late-forties.

Squire’s smile charms. His eyes scheme. Jet black hair belies his sixty-plus years.

SQUIRE
But what the hell just happened? I could have
been killed. You could have handled this a lot better.

NANCY
Are you okay? Cuts, bruises? If you
hit your head, you can’t be injured.

SQUIRE
One minute I’m on top of the world.
Next I see law suits and jail time.

NANCY
You and you’re damn senior moments. You sweet-talked
me into doing this. Now we’re aimed straight downhill.

SQUIRE
One minute we have the usual heated
discussion. Next, we tramp around in the boonies.

NANCY
Our best days are behind us.
So much for a rosy future.

SQUIRE
You just totaled a quarter-million
dollar wet dream rental car.

NANCY
And you were too cheap to take the comprehensive
insurance. Our financial future is a freshly dug grave!

A police car arrives. Policewoman FRITZ exits and opens her notebook.

Nancy rushes up to her.

NANCY
Good to see a female on the job. I’m always
looking for ways to jack up – not off – guys
who follow their joints around looking to stick it in …

Squire steps up sporting his smoothest smile for Officer Fritz.

SQUIRE
Your hair looks good. You got here so quick.
Did someone call or …

Officer Fritz nods at the downed steel tower.

OFFICER FRITZ
First clue was our power went out …

SQUIRE
You’re so smart. You should be the police chief.

OFFICER FRITZ
Actually I am. Also, receptionist, janitor and maid.

NANCY
You the only one at the cop house.

SQUIRE
She meant “police station,” didn’t you, Honey?

NANCY
Don’t honey me, cocksucker. After what you did.

OFFICER FRITZ
Whoa! What happened here? Sir?

ANOTHER COP CAR – flashing lights, siren – speeds at them.

Nancy nods at Squire.

NANCY
He had way too many snorts at your
dumpy diner. Had to check his Schwab account
on his phone doing twenty over the speed limit.

Fritz writes.

Squire gapes at Nancy like she’s possessed.

SQUIRE
I’m sure you’re smarter than to believe that, Officer.
It was her who insisted on driving. I let her. My bad.

NANCY
If it was me driving, we wouldn’t be in this hellhole.

SQUIRE
Officer, she didn’t mean that. I bet your cozy
little community has a comfy motel a ways out
of town where town folk renew old acquaintances.

OFFICER FRITZ
Let’s see your drivers’ licenses.

Squire and Nancy hand them over.

OFFICER FRITZ
Same last name. You’re married.

NANCY
Were. He pimps me now instead of pumping. I wear
knee pads. Mouth wash a dozen times a day. He says
it’s how I earn my alimony.

The other police car screeches to a halt. Uniformed OFFICER MARLON fumbles from the car, tightens his belt that holds up heavy cop paraphernalia.

He tries to look older than his 20 years. Rushes back to grab his uniform hat. Joins them.

Nancy spreads her arms. Fields a grin like she will mount this lad where he stands.

NANCY
Do we get to vote which officer cuffs us face
down. Does what he must to get us to
come. Up. Again and again. With the truth.

OFFICER FRITZ
All taken care of, Officer Marlon.

Officer Marlon whips out a GPS. Waves it in a loop for the best signal.

OFFICER MARLON
Not according to this. Their vee-hickle’s
just inside our town border.

OFFICER FRITZ
Skid marks. They left the pavement
on our side of the border. It’s my collar.

OFFICER MARLON
But it’s my turn.

NANCY
Are you two screwing with us?

Officer Marlon composes himself. Tries to think of something cop-ish to say.

Squire uses his best sad face on Officer Fritz.

SQUIRE
I’m not used to all this drama. How serious is it?

Fritz glances at the wrecked Lambo and broken high voltage tower.

A utility truck pulls up. Workmen carry equipment to the downed tower.

OFFICER FRITZ
Car moving plenty fast. Driver lost control. Pure
and simple. Don’t know what you pay for electricity.
Next month’s bill’s gonna be a whopper.

MARLON
What about that deer?

Fritz stops writing.

Squire blinks, staggers in a circle. Did he say ‘a deer’? Am I losing my mind?

Marlon shows him several pictures of deer galloping across the highway.

Squire’s face lights up.

SQUIRE
Oh, I forgot. Swerved to avoid that critter.
Made us to run off the road.

He reaches for one of Marlon’s pictures. Marlon pulls it back.

MARLON
How much cash yah got on yah?

OFFICER FRITZ
Better yet.

She holds an attacking 7-foot grizzly bear photo, Photoshopped into the middle of the two lane.

MARLON
My deer are more believable.

Squire looks through his wallet.

SQUIRE
Two thousand.

Marlon examines Squire’s tiny wallet.

MARLON
I spotted more inside that there flap.

SQUIRE
Those are grocery store coupons.

OFFICER FRITZ
How about the fierce-some bear for $1800?

Marlon shuffles his deck and produces another photo.

MARLON
My best deer for $1775.

A car with a State Farm Insurance ad on its side parks.

OFFICER FRITZ
That’s Mel. Your time’s just about run out.

Squire wipes sweat off his neck and takes deep breathes.

Nancy takes his hand.

NANCY
What’ll it be? Defrauding the insurance
company, or do you have an extra quarter
million to buy the wrecked booty-magnet?

SQUIRE
What about the tower of power?
I bet it costs more than the Lambo.

MARLON
For $2000, which deer picture do you like?

SQUIRE
You just said $1775.

OFFICER FRITZ
A person’s better motivated to run off the
road by a bear than a deer. $3000. Final price.

MARLON
The man has only $2000.

Fritz whips out a wireless credit card reader. She waves it in a loop.

OFFICER FRITZ
Good signal.

Reluctantly Squire pulls out a credit card.

MARLON
If you want my best deer, I’ll let it go for $2500.

SQUIRE
Why’s the price keep spiking for Chrissakes?

MARLON
It’s a true mystery.

Fritz holds the card reader under Marlon’s nose.

OFFICER FRITZ
If you wanta use my
machine, we be splittin’ it.

In his eighties, insurance man Mel exits his car with a clipboard. Takes pictures of the sports car and electric tower. Joins the others.

MEL
What’s happened to these lovely children?

Fritz looks at Squire and Nancy.

OFFICER FRITZ
Give us a moment.

She takes Mel by the arm and walks him over to the Lamborghini.

They exchange whispered shouts and return.

Mel hands Squire the clipboard.

MEL
Sign at the bottom.

SQUIRE
Xeroxed handwriting. It ain’t mine.

MEL
It’s your account of how that horrible beast …

He turns to Fritz and Marlon.

MEL
So what’s it this time? The bear or the deer?

In horror, Squire stares at Nancy. She doesn’t even try to hide her grin. #

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

LOGLINE: A car accident draws scammers like flies.

ESSENCE: Everyone’s a con artist.

SCENE: A Lamborghini runs off a country road.

EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY WHERE TWO TOWNSHIPS MEET – NIGHT

SQUIRE assists NANCY as they exit a Lamborghini and climb from a ditch.

Their sports car just wiped out a giant high voltage steel tower.

Nancy’s outfit and hairdo are decades younger than her mid-forties.

Squire’s smile charms. His eyes scheme. Jet black hair belies his sixty years.

SQUIRE
I’m missing the last hour. What
just that happened that disappeared?

NANCY
This time it ain’t one
of your senior moments.

SQUIRE
One minute we’re having the usual heated
discussion. Next, we tramp around in the boonies.

NANCY
I fear our best days are behind us.
So much for our rosy future.

SQUIRE

What the hell just happened?

NANCY
Damned if I know. You okay? Cuts, bruises?

SQUIRE
We just totaled a quarter-million dollar wet dream
car I didn’t get extra insurance for. I’m just peachy.

A police car pulls up. Policewoman FRITZ exits and greets them.

NANCY
It’s good they have female
police personnel out here in the …

SQUIRE
Glad you got here quick. Did
someone call or …

Officer Fritz nods at the downed steel tower.

OFFICER FRITZ

Our power just went out and …

NANCY
At the cop house?

SQUIRE
She means “police station,” didn’t you, Honey?

NANCY
Don’t Honey me, Cocksucker. After what you did.

OFFICER FRITZ
Whoa! What happened here? Sir?

Another police car – flashing lights, siren – arrives from the other direction.

Nancy nods at Squire.

NANCY
He’ll just lie. He had way too many snorts at
that dumpy eatery of yours. Insisted he
had to check his Schwab on his phone.
Same time doing twenty over the speed limit.

Fritz writes.

Squire gapes at Nancy like she’s possessed.

SQUIRE
Who are you? Officer, it was
quite the opposite. She insisted
on driving and I let her. My bad.

OFFICER FRITZ
Let’s see your drivers’ licenses.

Squire and Nancy hand them over.

OFFICER FRITZ

Same last name. You’re married.

NANCY

Were. He pimps me. Only way I get my alimony.
I wear knee pads and brush my teeth a dozen times a day.

The other police car screeches to a halt. Uniformed officer MARLON fumbles from the car, tightens his belt holding up heavy cop paraphernalia.

He advances on them trying to look older than his twenty years. Halts. Rushes back to grab his uniform hat. Stuffs it on. Joins them.

Nancy fields a grin like she’s about to mount this lad where he stands.

NANCY

Can we vote which officer cuffs us face
down. Does what he must to get us to
come. Up. Again and again. With the truth.

OFFICER FRITZ
All taken care of, Officer Marlon.

Marlon whips out a GPS. Waves it in a loop for the best signal.

OFFICER MARLON
Not according to this. Their vee-hickle’s
just inside our town line.

OFFICER FRITZ
Skid marks. The car left the pavement
on our side. It’s our collar.

OFFICER MARLON
But it’s my turn.

NANCY
Are you two screwing with us?

Officer Marlon composes himself to look serious and say something cop-ish.

Squire uses his best sad face on Fritz.

SQUIRE

I’m above this aggravation. How serious is this?

Fritz glances over at the car and enormous wrecked high voltage tower.

A utility truck pulls over. Workmen carry equipment to the downed tower.

OFFICER FRITZ
Car moving plenty fast. Driver lost control. Pure
and simple. Don’t know what you pay for electricity.
Next month’s bill’s gonna be a whopper.

MARLON

What about that deer?

Fritz stops writing.

SQUIRE
What deer?

Marlon shows him pictures of deer galloping across the highway.

SQUIRE
I forgot about that deer. Swerved to avoid it.

Caused us to run off the road just like that.

Squire reaches for a picture. Marlon pulls it out his reach.

MARLON

How much cash yah got on yah?

OFFICER FRITZ

Better yet.

She holds up a photo of an attacking seven-foot grizzly bear Photoshopped like it’s standing in the middle of the two lane highway.

MARLO

My deer are more believable.

Squire looks through his wallet.

SQUIRE
Two thousand.

Marlon examines his tiny wallet.

MARLON
I spotted more inside that there flap.

SQUIRE
Those are grocery store coupons.

OFFICER FRITZ
How about the fierce some bear for $1800?

Marlon shuffles his deck and produces another photo.

MARLON
My best deer for $1775.

A car with a State Farm Insurance ad on the side slows down and parks.

OFFICER FRITZ
That’s Mel. Your time is running out.

Squire wipes sweat off his neck and takes deep breathes.

Nancy takes his hand.

NANCY
What’ll it be? Defrauding the insurance
company, or do you have an extra quarter
million to buy the wrecked booty-magnet?

SQUIRE
What about the tower of power?
I bet it costs more than the Lambo.

MARLON
For $2000, which deer picture do you like?

SQUIRE
You just said $1775.

OFFICER FRITZ

A person’s better motivated to
run off the road by a bear. $3000.

MARLON
The man has only $2000.

Fritz whips out a wireless credit card reader. She waves it in a loop.

OFFICER FRITZ

Good signal.

Reluctantly Squire pulls out a credit card.

MARLON
If you want my best deer, I’ll let it go for $25,000.

SQUIRE
Why’s the price keep going up for Chrissakes?

MARLON

It’s a true mystery.

Fritz holds the card reader under Marlon’s nose.

OFFICER FRITZ
If you wanta use my
machine, we be splittin’ it.

In his eighties, insurance man Mel exits his car with a clipboard. Takes pictures of the car and the tower. Joins the others.

MEL

What’s happened to
these lovely children?

OFFICER FRITZ
Give us a moment.

She takes Mel by the arm and walks him over to the Lamborghini.

They finish whispering and return.

Mel hands Squire the clipboard.

MEL
Sign at the bottom.

SQUIRE

What’s all this handwriting?
What am I signing?

MEL

It’s your account of how that horrible beast …

He turns to Fritz.

MEL
What was it this time? Bear or deer?

Squire stares at Nancy. She doesn’t hide the grin that creeps over her face. #

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned: In this class, I’m learning clever ways to show – not tell – what my characters are really about.

Scene Logline: Warren wants Stu to show him how he launches. Also, Warren suspects Stu hides his sister whom he wants to kill.

Scene Essence: Stu refuses to show Warren what he wants to know.

Scene Rewritten with interest techniques:

EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT

Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the crypt-like building, a massive dish antenna. Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”

The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu hop out. Enter the building.

Stu reveals a crew capsule.

Warren hands Stu coordinates.

STU

Do it at night. No one’s around.

Stu mixes a drink. Hands it to Warren.

WARREN

Daytime. The world has to see it.

He ignores the drink.

STU

But the crew. Your Ex and my son will be in it.

He puts his drink back down.

Warren smirks.

STU

You really hate her that much.

WARREN

This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.

He strides to the door.

Stu doesn’t move.

STU

Why’d the President switch a Moon mission to Mars.

WARREN
To impress Kate.

STU

Potus got the hots for your Ex.

Warren straightens his back. Stares daggers at him.

Stu retreats to the crew capsule.

STU
What if Art doesn’t buy it.

WARREN

No choice. We have zero competition.

Outside Warren goes to the Humvee and removes a crippled dog.

He slow walks it for a pee.

EVELYN glares down at him from an upper floor window.

(She’s Warren’s sister whom he wants to kill. He doesn’t know Stu is hiding her from him.)

She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.

He returns the critter to the Humvee. Glances up at the building.

She ducks.

Warren glances over at Stu who waits for him to leave.

Warren drives away.

Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.

Enters, trots downstairs, passes dirty engine parts.

Examines rocket engines. Puts one on a lift that raises it to ground level.

Outside, he climbs into an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.

It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed. #

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that improves my writing is it’s empowering to inject interest into my story.

Scene Logline – Clare accompanies Kate to gather Earth life forms she’ll need on Mars. Asteroid strikes destroyed the life forms they gathered previously.

Scene Essence – Clare left Kate because she fears when she leaves, her father will abuse her. When the asteroid destroyed everything, she returns to help Kate gather new samples she’ll need on Mars.

Interest Techniques – Creating a Future – Clare goes to the crew’s desert camp to help Kate replace the Earth life forms they gathered which the asteroid destroyed.

Anticipatory Dialogue – Clare foresees if they stay, they will die there.

Dilemma – Storm gusts near hurricane speeds. If they stay, they could be killed. If they attempt to return to camp, there’s a greater chance they’ll be injured or killed.

Cliffhanger – Clare falls into a ravine. Kate leaps in to save her. Will either one return alive?

EXT. MOJAVE DESERT CAMP – DAY

Clare arrives. Goes to Kate’s tent. Kate rushes her back outside.

They embrace. Clare hands her a red lunch pail.

CLARE
To replace your samples for Mars.

They backpack up into the hills.

LATER

They sift through a pile of dirt.

Kate’s excited about life form structures they find.

CLARE

You love this very much.

KATE

I hate it keeps us apart.

They bag their samples and start back to camp.

Darkness arrives early. A distant dust storm grows larger.

LATER

Raw winds tear their clothes. Rocks, twigs sting like arrows.

LATER

Gale force gusts blowtorch them with dust. They dodge tree limbs.

Back-to-back they turn. Seek a landmark to get them back.

Dust completely surrounds them.

Kate screams to be heard. Clare calms her down.

KATE

We’re lost. Must shelter.

Clare presses fingers against her temples.

CLARE

If we stay here, we die here.

Clare removes her belt and hands one end to Kate.

She ties a scarf over her eyes and hikes in a straight line.

Kate shields her eyes and follows, gripping her end of the belt.

LATER

Kate and Clare lean into powerful wind gusts.

They crest a hill. Clare slips, rolls down a steep cliff.

Without
hesitation, Kate plunges over the cliff after her. #

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Full-out Characters

What I’ve learned that improves my writing is it’s challenging to weave the plot and transition the characters into a structure that works well. This class is amazing.

BEN (Before)

DESCRIPTION: Ben struggles to work his farm. His young wife raises three grade school kids.

TRAITS: Strict, firm, happy go lucky, works hard at farming, leaves raising the kids to his wife.

SUBTEXT: He has a secret date once a week with one of the older women teachers at the kids’ school.

BEN (After)

DESCRIPTION: After his wife dies, he remarries, must life down his affair and can’t hide in farm work while his kids get used to their new Mom, and need to know Ben loves them.

TRAITS: Struggles to become be a real father to his kids.

SUBTEXT: When his wife dies, he woos the girl he left in college to marry his young wife.

KAREN (Before)

DESCRIPTION: Seasoned teacher grew up with Ben in this hard-working farm community.

TRAITS: Patient, friendly but firm, strict with students.

SUBTEXT: Wounded when Ben dropped her in college and married his younger wife.

KAREN (After)

DESCRIPTION: Overwhelmed when she becomes Ben’s wife and his kids’ new Mom.

TRAITS: Loving, understanding, adjusting.

SUBTEXT: It’s a challenge to be a good Mom to adopted kids who miss their “real” Mom.

MARK (Before)

DESCRIPTION: Ben’s brother employed on the farm is at odds with him over how to be successful.

TRAITS: Academic, naïve, caring, strong.

SUBTEXT: Believes his agricultural degree will enable him to help Ben make his farm a success.

MARK (After)

DESCRIPTION: Learns to adjust to the reality of a real farm operation.

TRAITS: Experienced, practical, more mature.

SUBTEXT: Realizes there’s more to a farming than what he learned in text books. #

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is it’s empowering to inject interest into my story.

Scene Logline – Clare accompanies Kate to gather Earth life forms she’ll need on Mars. Asteroid strikes destroyed the life forms they gathered previously.

Scene Essence – Clare left Kate because she fears when she leaves, her father will abuse her. When the asteroid destroyed everything, she returns to help Kate gather new samples she’ll need on Mars.

Four Interest Techniques Used:

Creating a Future – Clare goes to the crew’s desert camp to help Kate replace the Earth life forms they gathered which the asteroid destroyed.

Anticipatory Dialogue – Clare foresees if they stay, they will die there.

Dilemma – Storm gusts near hurricane speeds. If they stay, they could be killed. If they attempt to return to camp, there’s a greater chance they’ll be injured or killed.

Cliffhanger – Clare falls into a ravine. Kate leaps in to save her. Will either one return alive?

EXT. MOJAVE DESERT CAMP – DAY

Clare arrives. Goes to Kate’s tent. Kate rushes out to her.

They embrace. Clare hands her a red lunch pail.

CLAIRE

To replace your samples for Mars.

They backpack up into the hills.

LATER

They sift through a pile of dirt.

Kate’s excited about life form structures they find.

CLARE

You love this very much.

KATE

I hate it keeps us apart.

They bag their samples and start back to camp.

Darkness arrives early. A distant dust storm grows larger.

LATER

Raw winds tear their clothes. Rocks, twigs sting like arrows.

LATER

Gale force gusts blowtorch them with dust. They dodge tree limbs.

Back-to-back they turn. Seek a landmark to get them back.

Dust completely surrounds them.

They scream to be heard.

KATE

We’re lost. Must shelter.

Clare presses both her temples.

CLARE

No. If we stay here, we die here.

Clare removes her belt and hands one end to Kate.

She ties a scarf over her eyes and hikes in a straight line.

Kate shields her eyes and follows gripping her end of the belt.

LATER

Kate and Clare lean into powerful wind gusts.

They crest a hill. Clare slips, rolls down the steep cliff.

Without hesitation, Kate plunges over the cliff after her. #

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is quality increases when the protagonist is figuratively and literally “kicked in the teeth.”

Scene 1:

A. Current Scene Logline: Protagonist Kate’s ex-lover introduces her to his wife Margo. When she found out Kate and he were having an affair, she was nine months pregnant and gave birth early to a preemie who was autistic.

B. Essence: Margo wants Kate to get her son into the astronaut academy Kate’s daughter is in, despite the fact he’s autistic.

C. Brainstorm possible challenges. Margo uses every insult and criticism to manipulate Kate into getting their son into the academy.

D. Summary: How to write the scene differently with the new challenges:

D. Summary: How to write the scene differently with the new challenges:
Margo talks down to Kate, says because she enticed her husband into an affair, she gave birth early which caused her son to be born with autism, she owes them and must get their son into the academy. She says NASA has a value system. If Kate can become an astronaut, their son certainly should. Kate’s wound is the affair with Art.

Scene 2:

A. Current Scene Logline: When protagonist-astronaut Kate catches her NASA boss and ex-husband antagonist Warren sabotaging her Mars spacecraft she will fly to Mars on, he deflects blame by criticizing her.

B. Essence: She wants to know what he’s done to the spaceship.

C. Brainstorm possible challenges: When Kate accuses him of sabotage, Warren says she should leave safety matters up to the “men” like him who are in charge. If she has no specific evidence something’s wrong, nothing’s wrong. She should be grateful she became an astronaut. Her affair should have disqualified her.

D. Summary: How to write the scene differently with the new challenges:
Warren says, “Don’t worry your pretty little head. Our workmen take good care of it.” Kate accuses him of damaging the spaceship. He says she doesn’t know what could be wrong with it. She insists she’s well trained and knows when something’s amiss. Warren says fine, what’s wrong? She can’t say. He accuses her of being a slut. She had a fling with a married astronaut, used sex to become an astronaut. She opens a panel and claims he reversed some wires. But when Warren starts the engine, it runs smoothly. Warren smirks. Kate seethes. #

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Full-out Characters

What I’ve learned that improves my writing is it’s challenging to weave the plot and transition the characters into a structure that works well. This class is amazing.

BEN (Before)

DESCRIPTION: Ben struggles to work his farm. His young wife raises three grade school kids.

TRAITS: Strict, firm, happy go lucky, works hard at farming, leaves raising the kids to his wife.

SUBTEXT: He has a secret date once a week with one of the older women teachers at the kids’ school.

BEN (After)

DESCRIPTION: After his wife dies, he remarries, must life down his affair and can’t hide in farm work while his kids get used to their new Mom, and need to know Ben loves them.

TRAITS: Struggles to become be a real father to his kids.

SUBTEXT: When his wife dies, he woos the girl he left in college to marry his young wife.

KAREN (Before)

DESCRIPTION: Seasoned teacher grew up with Ben in this hard-working farm community.

TRAITS: Patient, friendly but firm, strict with students.

SUBTEXT: Wounded when Ben dropped her in college and married his younger wife.

KAREN (After)

DESCRIPTION: Overwhelmed when she becomes Ben’s wife and his kids’ new Mom.

TRAITS: Loving, understanding, adjusting.

SUBTEXT: It’s a challenge to be a good Mom to adopted kids who miss their “real” Mom.

MARK (Before)

DESCRIPTION: Ben’s brother employed on the farm is at odds with him over how to be successful.

TRAITS: Academic, naïve, caring, strong.

SUBTEXT: Believes his agricultural degree will enable him to help Ben make his farm a success.

MARK (After)

DESCRIPTION: Learns to adjust to the reality of a real farm operation.

TRAITS: Experienced, practical, more mature.

SUBTEXT: Realizes there’s more to a farming than what he learned in text books. #

[Tom Wilson]

Anyone want to exchange scenes for feedback?

My scene is at the bottom. Let me know which scene is yours and we can learn from each other.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi,

Let’s swap scenes and critique them.

Please send a PDF of your scene, I will reply with mine.

Tom, wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

Lesson 5 Scene – Rewritten Version

INT. DIRTY CAR REPAIR SHOP – NIGHT

TRENT enters.

ROBERT closes and locks the door.

Trent overdoes a Boston accent.

TRENT
This a tough nabahhood?

Robert picks up a glass of champagne. Nods at another on the desk.

Trent picks up the other glass. Raises it.

ROBERT
To the New Year.

TRENT
The New Yeah!

Trent takes a sip. Eyes a second-hand desk. Sees rips in an upholstered chair.

ROBERT
Our bright future ahead.

I was pleased to introduce
you to my sister.

TRENT
Madge is quite a gal.

ROBERT
But not so much lately.

Trent feels woozy. Sets down his glass.

Robert opens a backroom door.

ROBERT
Have a seat.

Trent enters the room and sits on a cot. Slumps over. Falls asleep.

LATER Trent wakes up. Pulls on the door handle. It’s locked.

From the outside, Robert opens the door and enters.

ROBERT
Madge’s pregnant because of you.

TRENT
What?

ROBERT
You’re lucky. She wants to
keep the baby and marry you.
TRENT
We had sex only once. A week ago.
How could she know if she’s preggers.

ROBERT
You’re an expert. Rape a lot of girls.

TRENT
There was no rape.

ROBERT
As long as you cooperate.

Trent puts his glass down. Takes a step forward.

TRENT
What’d yuh mean?

ROBERT
If you don’t marry her, you’ll
pay child support from now on.

TRENT
You can’t prove I’m the dad.

Robert slides Trent’s glass into a plastic baggy.

ROBERT
DNA don’t lie.

TRENT
I can’t afford to marry nobody.

ROBERT
What happened with the “pahk my cah in Ha-vid Sqar.”

TRENT
Or support a kid. I’m nearly broke.

ROBERT
What about those fancy
vacations. And the Maserati?

TRENT
I watch Travel Channel about fab vacations.
To impress people. The wheels are an old
friend’s. She’s in a wheelchair. I fetch her
eats. Get to use the Maserati weekends.

ROBERT
I don’t buy it.

Trent shakes the door. It won’t open.

The door POPS open. MARVIN enters.

Trent pushes past him. Marvin punches him in the solar plexus.

Abrupt exhale. Hands go to his knees. Short gasps for breath.

Marvin’s a big-boned mouth breather. Mustard on his cheek is left over from lunch.

ROBERT
This is Marvin.
Oh, I see you’ve met.

TRENT
I’m not the guy you think I am.

Marvin guides Trent out the door. He stumbles to a repair bay.

A hydraulic hoist holds a car overhead.

Marvin tapes Trent’s arms up to the hoist shaft.

Trent is trapped directly below the car that can be dropped at any time.

Robert speaks to Marvin.

ROBERT
Remember, the ER. Not the morgue.

Marvin punches Trent. #

[Tom Wilson]

Scene – Rewrite of Second Version

INT. DIRTY CAR REPAIR SHOP – NIGHT

TRENT enters.

ROBERT closes and locks the door.

Trent overdoes a Boston accent.

TRENT
This a tough nabahhood?

Robert picks up a glass of champagne. Nods at a second glass.

Trent raises the other one.

ROBERT
To the New Year.

TRENT
The New Yeah!

Trent takes a sip. Eyes a second-hand desk. Sees rips in an upholstered chair.

ROBERT
Our bright future ahead.

I was pleased to introduce
you to my sister.

TRENT
Madge is quite a gal.

ROBERT
But not so much lately.

Trent feels woozy. Sets his glass down.

Robert opens a backroom door.

ROBERT
Have a seat.

Trent enters the room and sits on a cot. Slumps over. Falls asleep.

LATER Trent wakes up. Goes to the door and pulls on the door handle. It’s locked.

From the outside, Robert opens the door and enters.

ROBERT
Madge’s pregnant because of you.

TRENT
What?

ROBERT
You’re lucky. She wants to
keep the baby and marry you.
TRENT
We had sex only once. A week ago.
How could she know she’s preggers.

ROBERT
You sound like an expert. Rape a lot of girls.

TRENT
There was no rape.

ROBERT
We won’t report it as long as you cooperate.

Trent puts his glass down. Takes a step forward.

TRENT
What’d yuh mean?

ROBERT
If you don’t marry her, you’ll
pay child support from now on.

TRENT
You can’t prove I’m the dad.

Robert slides Trent’s glass into a plastic baggy.

ROBERT
DNA don’t lie.

TRENT
I can’t afford to marry nobody.

ROBERT
What happened with the “pahk my cah in Ha-vid Sqar.”

TRENT
Or support a kid. I’m nearly broke.

ROBERT
What about those fancy
vacations. The Maserati?

TRENT
I watch Travel TV about fab vacations.
Impresses folks. The wheels are an old
friend’s. She’s in a wheelchair. I fetch her
eats. Lets me use the Maserati weekends.

ROBERT
I don’t buy it.

Trent shakes the door. It won’t open.

The door POPS open. MARVIN, a big-boned mouth breather, enters.

Trent pushes past him. Marvin punches him in the solar plexus.

Air abruptly exits Trent. Hands drop to his knees. Tiny gasps.

ROBERT
This is Marvin.
Oh, I see you’ve met.

TRENT
I’m ain’t the guy you think.

Marvin guides Trent who stumbles down the hall to a repair bay.

A hydraulic hoist holds a car overhead.

Marvin raises and tapes his hands to the tailpipe of the raised car.

Trent is trapped under a car that will fall at the touch of a button.

Robert speaks to Marvin.

ROBERT
Remember, the ER. Not the morgue.

Marvin punches Trent. #

[Tom Wilson]

QE Cycle 2 Scene

SITUATION LOGLINE: A young man whose sister died of an overdose, confronts the leader of the drug dealers who pretends to be just a bodyguard.

ESSENCE: Nick wants revenge for the death of his sister.

SCENE: Nick approaches the house where the drug kingpin controls his empire.

EXT. NICK’S HOUSE – NIGHT

John hikes up the driveway. BAM! A water balloon explodes at his feet.

NICK
Is there any more of yah?

Nick stands on the front porch. He leans a shotgun against the railing.

JOHN
Just me is plenty

NICK
Say what?

JOHN
What you see is what you got.

NICK
You here applying to work?

JOHN

Not hardly.

NICK
That’s good. Where’d you park?

John nods at a kitted-out red F-150 across the street.

NICK
You got two hours. After that
it’s a sixty-three-dollar parking ticket.

Nick pauses. Squints again at the Ford pickup.

NICK
That‘s my runner, Josh’s wheels.

JOHN
Was. Is Masters in?

NICK
Why?

JOHN
I’m Emma’s brother.

Nick is abruptly shaken. When he looks up, John points a revolver at his head.

John gestures. Nick backs away from the shotgun.

John tosses it into the bushes. They hear a muffled BOOM.

JOHN
You’re Masters, ain’t yah?

Nick looks away.

JOHN
Thought so. Was it you pulled the trigger?

NICK
What?

JOHN
Narcs said she had way too
strong s dose for that one vial.

Nick thinks about this.

NICK
Unless her and Josh had a jolt
before she took the second one.

It’s now John’s turn to think. #

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

this is a test

[Tom Wilson]

Scene – Rewrite of Second Version

INT. DIRTY CAR REPAIR SHOP – NIGHT

TRENT enters.

ROBERT closes and locks the door.

Trent overdoes a Boston accent.

TRENT
This a tough nabahhood?

Robert picks up a glass of champagne. Nods at a second glass.

Trent raises the other one.

ROBERT
To the New Year.

TRENT
The New Yeah!

Trent takes a sip. Eyes a second-hand desk. Sees rips in an upholstered chair.

ROBERT
Our bright future ahead.

I was pleased to introduce
you to my sister.

TRENT
Madge is quite a gal.

ROBERT
But not so much lately.

Trent feels woozy. Sets his glass down.

Robert opens a backroom door.

ROBERT
Have a seat.

Trent enters the room and sits on a cot. Slumps over. Falls asleep.

LATER Trent wakes up. Goes to the door and pulls on the door handle. It’s locked.

From the outside, Robert opens the door and enters.

ROBERT
Madge’s pregnant because of you.

TRENT
What?

ROBERT
You’re lucky. She wants to
keep the baby and marry you.
TRENT
We had sex only once. A week ago.
How could she know she’s preggers.

ROBERT
You sound like an expert. Rape a lot of girls.

TRENT
There was no rape.

ROBERT
We won’t report it as long as you cooperate.

Trent puts his glass down. Takes a step forward.

TRENT
What’d yuh mean?

ROBERT
If you don’t marry her, you’ll
pay child support from now on.

TRENT
You can’t prove I’m the dad.

Robert slides Trent’s glass into a plastic baggy.

ROBERT
DNA don’t lie.

TRENT
I can’t afford to marry nobody.

ROBERT
What happened with the “pahk my cah in Ha-vid Sqar.”

TRENT
Or support a kid. I’m nearly broke.

ROBERT
What about those fancy
vacations. The Maserati?

TRENT
I watch Travel TV about fab vacations.
Impresses folks. The wheels are an old
friend’s. She’s in a wheelchair. I fetch her
eats. Lets me use the Maserati weekends.

ROBERT
I don’t buy it.

Trent shakes the door. It won’t open.

The door POPS open. MARVIN, a big-boned mouth breather, enters.

Trent pushes past him. Marvin punches him in the solar plexus.

Air abruptly exits Trent. Hands drop to his knees. Tiny gasps.

ROBERT
This is Marvin.
Oh, I see you’ve met.

TRENT
I’m ain’t the guy you think.

Marvin guides Trent who stumbles down the hall to a repair bay.

A hydraulic hoist holds a car overhead.

Marvin raises and tapes his hands to the tailpipe of the raised car.

Trent is trapped under a car that will fall at the touch of a button.

Robert speaks to Marvin.

ROBERT
Remember, the ER. Not the morgue.
Marvin punches Trent. #

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned: In this class, I’m learning clever ways to show – not tell – what my characters are really about.

Scene Logline: Warren wants Stu to show him how he launches. Also, Warren suspects Stu hides his sister whom he wants to kill.

Scene Essence: Stu refuses to show Warren what he wants to know.

Scene Rewritten with interest techniques:

EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT

Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the crypt-like building, a massive dish antenna. Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”

The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu hop out. Enter the building.

Stu reveals a crew capsule.

Warren hands Stu coordinates.

STU

Do it at night. No one’s around.

Stu mixes a drink. Hands it to Warren.

WARREN

Daytime. The world has to see it.

He ignores the drink.

STU

But the crew. Your Ex and my son will be in it.

He puts his drink back down.

Warren smirks.

STU

You really hate her that much.

WARREN

This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.

He strides to the door.

Stu doesn’t move.

STU

Why’d the President switch a Moon mission to Mars.

WARREN
To impress Kate.

STU

Potus got the hots for your Ex.

Warren straightens his back. Stares daggers at him.

Stu retreats to the crew capsule.

STU
What if Art doesn’t buy it.

WARREN

No choice. We have zero competition.

Outside Warren goes to the Humvee and removes a crippled dog.

He slow walks it for a pee.

EVELYN glares down at him from an upper floor window.

(She’s Warren’s sister whom he wants to kill. He doesn’t know Stu is hiding her from him.)

She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.

He returns the critter to the Humvee. Glances up at the building.

She ducks.

Warren glances over at Stu who waits for him to leave.

Warren drives away.

Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.

Enters, trots downstairs, passes dirty engine parts.

Examines rocket engines. Puts one on a lift that raises it to ground level.

Outside, he climbs into an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.

It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed. #

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Profiles People

What I’ve learned how to improve my writing.

It isn’t easy identifying a person’s traits but it’s essential to write characters who appear genuine.

John – Possible traits:

– Suspicious – wants to know details because he fears someone’s taking advantage
– Rescuer – likes to step in and solve problems for those he likes

– Vengeful – will stop being with anyone who he believes isn’t a decent person

– Sensitive – quizzes anyone who seems patronizing

Scott – Possible traits:

– Stubborn – insists the rules are followed

– Suspicious – wants to be sure someone’s not breaking the rules

– Annoying – asks too many questions instead of being friendly

– Curious – looks into things that might get him in trouble if found out

– Ed – Possible traits:

– Excitable – thinks it’s exciting is to work with celebrities

– Worrier – believes if anything can possibly go wrong, it always will

– Skeptical – When he hears something unusual, he asks lots of pointed questions.

– Scared – fears someone will ask something he doesn’t know and he’ll look bad.

[Tom Wilson]

Lesson 5 Scene – Rewritten Version

INT. DIRTY CAR REPAIR SHOP – NIGHT

TRENT enters.

ROBERT closes and locks the door.

Trent overdoes a Boston accent.

TRENT
This a tough nabahhood?

Robert picks up a glass of champagne. Nods at another on the desk.

Trent picks up the other glass. Raises it.

ROBERT
To the New Year.

TRENT
The New Yeah!

Trent takes a sip. Eyes a second-hand desk. Sees rips in an upholstered chair.

ROBERT
Our bright future ahead.

I was pleased to introduce
you to my sister.

TRENT
Madge is quite a gal.

ROBERT
But not so much lately.

Trent feels woozy. Sets down his glass.

Robert opens a backroom door.

ROBERT
Have a seat.

Trent enters the room and sits on a cot. Slumps over. Falls asleep.

LATER Trent wakes up. Pulls on the door handle. It’s locked.

From the outside, Robert opens the door and enters.

ROBERT
Madge’s pregnant because of you.

TRENT
What?

ROBERT
You’re lucky. She wants to
keep the baby and marry you.
TRENT
We had sex only once. A week ago.
How could she know if she’s preggers.

ROBERT
You’re an expert. Rape a lot of girls.

TRENT
There was no rape.

ROBERT
As long as you cooperate.

Trent puts his glass down. Takes a step forward.

TRENT
What’d yuh mean?

ROBERT
If you don’t marry her, you’ll
pay child support from now on.

TRENT
You can’t prove I’m the dad.

Robert slides Trent’s glass into a plastic baggy.

ROBERT
DNA don’t lie.

TRENT
I can’t afford to marry nobody.

ROBERT
What happened with the “pahk my cah in Ha-vid Sqar.”

TRENT
Or support a kid. I’m nearly broke.

ROBERT
What about those fancy
vacations. And the Maserati?

TRENT
I watch Discovery TV about fab vacations.
To impress people. The wheels are an old
friend’s. She’s in a wheelchair. I fetch her
eats. Get to use the Maserati weekends.

ROBERT
I don’t buy it.

Trent shakes the door. It won’t open.

The door POPS open. MARVIN enters.

Trent pushes past him. Marvin punches him in the solar plexus.

Abrupt exhale. Hands go to his knees. Short gasps for breath.

Marvin’s a big-boned mouth breather. Mustard on his cheek is left over from lunch.

ROBERT
This is Marvin.
Oh, I see you’ve met.

TRENT
I’m not the guy you think I am.

Marvin guides Trent out the door. He stumbles to a repair bay.

A hydraulic hoist holds a car overhead.

Marvin tapes Trent’s arms up to the hoist shaft.

Trent is trapped directly below the car that can be dropped at any time.

Robert speaks to Marvin.

ROBERT
Remember, the ER. Not the morgue.
Marvin punches Trent. #

[Tom Wilson]

Lesson 5 Scene – First Version

INT. CAR REPAIR SHOP – NIGHT

TRENT enters. ROBERT hands him a drink. They toast the new year.

ROBERT
I was pleased I introduced
you to my sister.

TRENT
Madge is quite a gal.

Trent feels woozy, looks at his drink.

Robert lets him lie down on a cot in his backroom.

Later Trent goes to exit but the backroom door is locked.

From the outside, Robert unlocks the door and enters.

ROBERT
You knocked Madge up.

TRENT
What?

ROBERT
You’re lucky. She wants to
keep the baby and marry you.

TRENT
We had sex only once. A week ago.
She can’t know yet if she’s pregnant.

ROBERT
If you don’t marry her, you’ll
pay child support from now on.

TRENT
I can’t afford to marry anybody.
Or support a child. I’m nearly broke.

ROBERT
What about all those fancy
vacations. And the Maserati?

TRENT
I watch Discovery TV about fab
vacations so I can impress people.
The wheels belong to an old friend I take
care of. She’s in a wheelchair. I fetch her
groceries. Get to use the Maserati weekends.

ROBERT
I don’t buy it.

Trent struggles with the door but can’t open it.

From the outside, MARVIN unlocks the door and enters.

Trent tries to escape. Marvin punches him in his solar plexus.

He gasps, can’t breathe.

ROBERT
Trent, this is Marvin.
Oh, I see you’ve met.

Marvin shoves Trent into the well in a the repair bay.

A hydraulic hoist holds a car directly above the well.

Marvin handcuffs Trent to the hydraulic shaft that raises and lowers cars to be worked on.

Trent embraces the hoist’s shaft directly under the elevated car.

TRENT
I’m not the guy you think I am.

Robert speaks to Marvin.

ROBERT
Remember, the ER. Not the morgue.

Marvin kicks Trent in his right kidney. #

[Tom Wilson]

Duplicated Assignment was removed.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT
Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the crypt-like building, a massive dish antenna. Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”
The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu hop out, enter the building.
Stu reveals a crew capsule.
Warren hands Stu coordinates.
STU
Do it at night. No one’s around.

Stu mixes a drink. Hands it to Warren.

WARREN
Daytime. The world has to see it.

He ignores the drink.

STU
But the crew. Your Ex and my son will be in it.

He puts the drink back down.

Warren smirks.

STU
You really hate her that much.

WARREN
This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.

He strides to the door.

Stu doesn’t move.

STU
Why’d the President switch a Moon mission to Mars.

WARREN
To impress Kate.

STU
Potus got the hots for your Ex.

Warren straightens his back. Stares daggers at him.

Stu retreats to the crew capsule.

STU
What if Art doesn’t buy it.

WARREN
No choice. We have zero competition.

Outside Warren goes to the Humvee. Removes a crippled dog.

Slow walks it for a pee.

EVELYN (Warren’s sister whom he wants to kill) glares down from an upper floor window at him.
She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.
Warren returns the dog to the Humvee. Looks up at the building.
Evelyn ducks.
Warren glances over at Stu who waits for him to leave.
Warren drives away.
Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.
Enters, trots downstairs, passes dirty engine parts.
Puts a rocket engine on a lift which raises it to ground level.
Outside, he climbs in an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.
It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is there are clever ways to manifest what a character thinks.

Scene Logline: Warren wants Stu to show him how he launches. Also, Warren suspects Stu hides his sister whom he wants to kill.

Scene Essence: Stu refuses to show Warren what he wants to know.

Scene Rewritten with interest techniques:

EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT

Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the crypt-like building, a massive dish antenna. Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”

The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu hop out, enter the building.

Stu reveals a crew capsule.

Warren hands Stu coordinates.

STU
Do it at night. No one’s around.

Stu mixes a drink. Hands it to Warren.

WARREN
Daytime. The world has to see it.

He ignores the drink.

STU
But the crew. Your Ex and my son will be in it.

He puts the drink back down.

Warren smirks.

STU
You really hate her that much.

WARREN
This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.

He strides to the door.

Stu doesn’t move.

STU
Why’d the President switch a Moon mission to Mars.

WARREN
To impress Kate.

STU
Potus got the hots for your Ex.

Warren straightens his back. Stares daggers at him.

Stu retreats to the crew capsule.

STU
What if Art doesn’t buy it.

WARREN
No choice. We have zero competition.

Outside Warren goes to the Humvee and removes a crippled dog.

He slow walks it for a pee.

EVELYN (Warren’s sister whom he wants to kill) glares down from an upper window at him.

She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.

He returns the critter to the Humvee. Glances up at the building.

She ducks.

Warren glances over at Stu who waits for him to leave.

Warren drives away.

Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.

Enters, trots downstairs, passes dirty engine parts.

Examines rocket engines. Puts one on a lift that raises it to ground level.

Outside, he climbs into an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.

It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed. #

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Profiles People

What I’ve learned how to improve my writing. It isn’t easy identifying a person’s traits but it’s essential to write characters who appear genuine.

John – Possible traits:

– Suspicious – wants to know details because he fears someone’s taking advantage
– Rescuer – likes to step in and solve problems for those he likes

– Vengeful – will stop being with anyone who he believes isn’t a decent person

– Sensitive – quizzes anyone who seems patronizing

Scott – Possible traits:

– Stubborn – insists the rules are followed

– Suspicious – wants to be sure someone’s not breaking the rules

– Annoying – asks too many questions instead of being friendly

– Curious – looks into things that might get him in trouble if found out

Ed – Possible traits:

– Excitable – thinks it’s exciting is to work with celebrities

– Worrier – believes if anything can possibly go wrong, it always will

– Skeptical – When he hears something unusual, he asks lots of pointed questions.

– Scared – fears someone will ask something he doesn’t know and he’ll look bad

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Profiles People

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is it isn’t easy identifying a person’s traits but it’s essential to write characters who appear genuine.

John

Possible traits:

– Suspicious – wants to know details because he fears someone’s taking advantage
– Rescuer – likes to step in and solve problems for those he likes

– Vengeful – will stop being with anyone who he believes isn’t a decent person

– Sensitive – quizzes anyone who seems patronizing

Scott

Possible traits:

– Stubborn – insists the rules are followed

– Suspicious – wants to be sure someone’s not breaking the rules
– Annoying – asks too many questions instead of being friendly
– Curious – looks into things that might get him in trouble if found out

Ed

Possible traits:

– Excitable – thinks it’s exciting is to work with celebrities

– Worrier – believes if anything can possibly go wrong, it always will

– Skeptical – When he hears something unusual, he asks lots of pointed questions.

– Scared – fears someone will ask something he doesn’t know and he’ll look bad

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is when I work at it, I come up with at least three essences of what the scene could be about.

Script I chose: ASTEROIDS ANONYMOUS

Scene 1 Location: Spacecraft in Cape Canaveral Hangar

Logline: Scientist Kate and daughter Clare discuss Kate’s upcoming Mars mission.

Essence I’ve discovered: Kate is excited about the mission but ignores how much Clare fears that when Kate leaves, her father will abuse her.

New Logline: Clare hates that Kate won’t believe that Clare’s father will abuse her when Kate launches.

Scene 2 Location: Abandoned airfield in the Mojave Desert

Logline: Warren urges aerospace lawyers to fund his cousin the President’s reelection campaign.

Essence I’ve discovered: Aerospace lawyers will back another candidate if they don’t get their Moon base.

New Logline: Warren doesn’t see that if the lawyers don’t get their Moon base, not only will they not fund the President’s campaign but will undoubtedly fund his competitor’s.

Scene 3 Location: Zenith Aerospace Co. hangar.

Logline: Warren offers Mars crew a new crew capsule to the Mars mission because an asteroid hit theirs.

Essence I’ve discovered: Because new crew capsule is designed for the Moon, not Mars, it’ll take a lot of work to adapt it for use on Mars.

New Logline: Warren forces them to accept a Moon spacecraft he knows they can not adapt in time for the launch.

Scene 4 Location:

Logline: Kate thinks her daughter Clare slugged a fellow student for calling Clare’s dad a “hot hunk” because Clare was defending her dad.

Essence I’ve discovered: Kate chooses to ignore that Clare hates her father and she fears he’ll abuse her.

New Logline: Kate ignores the fact Clare fears her dad will abuse her when Kate leaves on the mission.

Scene 5 Location: Four Seasons Hotel

Logline: Warren seduces his boss Emma, NASA Administrator so he’ll be promoted.

Essence I’ve discovered: He does it to persuade Emma to defend the President so Warren can talk to his cousin the President.

New Logline: Warren seduces his boss Emma so he can get her to hold a press conference and he can say thanks to his cousin, the President so he can talk him into doing a Moon base so he’ll get funds for his reelection and Warren will be promoted. #

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, All!

Tom Wilson is the name.

I have written three scripts.

I hope to learn to increase depth and meaning in my scripts.

I’ve retired from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and enjoy writing characters caught up in scientific problems they must fight their way out of.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson Finds the Essence

What I learned is there can be great depth to good writing. I must find or devise the essence to give it the deepest possible meaning.

Script I choose: EYE IN THE SKY

Scene 1 Location: Page 5 of Act One

Logline: An army colonel replies to an email from a soldier who lost his legs in a bombing.

Essence: This female colonel is profoundly moved by the loss a soldier in her command suffered. She talks him out of committing suicide, assures him he’s needed and she’ll get him a new assignment that will give him purpose to continue living.

Scene 2 Location: Page 11 of Act One

Logline: The colonel tells her husband she doesn’t her sons must not have their girlfriends spending the night in their house without her permission.

Essence: She’s just viewed horrible pictures of poor people brutally killed by terrorists and won’t put up with privileged young people who haven’t a clue what real life is like.

Scene 3 Location: Page 15 of Act One

Logline: A teenage girl is Nairobi hides her textbook when a customer enters her father’s shop.

Essence: Muslim law forbids girls from being educated. She could be tortured if she’s found studying.

Scene 4 Location: Page 18 of Act One

Logline: A young soldier greets his waitress mom who returns from a long nightshift. She apologizes for having to come and stay with him.

Essence: She feels guilty for intruding because she’s going through a tough time in her life.

Scene 5 Location: Page 47 of Act Two

Logline: Again, the father scolds his teenage daughter for twirling a hula hoop with her hips when a man enters his shop.

Essence: He fears the man supports the militia that enforces Sharia law and will report her.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Marketing Plan

What I learned doing this assignment is I’ve gotten comfortable marketing myself because you’re teaching me to be a professional. 

To market myself, I send query letters to potential producers, network with screenwriters, and collect addresses of producers likely to want to see my material.

Subject: About your next Thriller

Hi Lawrence,

I see that you do thriller movies. That’s my specialty.

I am available to do writing assignments -- screenplays, book adaptions, and screenplays based on your ideas. I'll be happy to send you a writing sample.

A TV pilot of mine is a screenplay contest finalist. I’m retired from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory where I was a space mission designer. 

Regards,

Tom Wilson

310 869 0469

wilsontomj@gmail.com
Linkedin

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s so enlightening to learn how to be successful at this, how little I thought I knew, and how much more I need to learn.

My specialty is writing thrillers about characters who have strong relationships.

I have nine producers in my LinkedIn Network

I will increase my value:

· Today – Write the script I’ve been working on and market it.

· In the next 30 days – List more producers and work with other screenwriters.

· In the next six months – Get together with writers and producers, bag my first paid assignment.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom is a Note Taking Professional!

What I learned is it’s an exhilarating challenge to have to make things completely different. But as a result of this training, I feel more confident about satisfying the producer’s often changing requirements.

Logline: A scientist, who prepares to lead a Mars mission to see if life there was the origin of life on Earth, battles her ex-husband who wants to sabotage her science mission so he can do a permanent commercial mining mission on the Moon where his aerospace pals make far more profit than from a one-off Mars science mission.

To cut the budget in half, I will move three expensive public sets to an inexpensive location that can be made to look like three different locations.

To change the audience to boys and men under 25, I will make the scientist’s daughter a college-age young man who secretly meets with his dad’s aerospace pals and develops a device a rover can use to detect minerals and metals that can be mined on Mars during later missions.

To double the conflict the ex-husband will take the scientist to divorce court to get custody of their daughter (who hates her dad) because the scientist will be gone for years during her mission.

Change the age and sex of the lead character – the female scientist is now a male who because of his electronics work, gets into the ex-husband engineer’s building and finds what the aerospace companies need on the Mars mission to make it more attractive so they’ll support it.

Change the genre – I will change the script from a drama to a thriller.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Decreased Budget

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s possible to save a significant amount of the budget and still deliver good meaning and entertainment.

MAIN VARIABLES

– Number of Locations – consolidate two locations

– Expensive locations – use one less expensive location

– Number of characters – consolidate two characters into one

– Special effects – eliminate special effects altogether

– Crowd scenes – use stock footage to establish a crowd scene

SECONDARY VARIABLES

– Rights to music, brands, books, etc. – no rights will be needed

– Explosions and Firearms – None required

– Kids — shorter work days, tutor on the set

– Animals – need a wrangler, more time to shoot, Humane Society

– Weather — Rain, snow, wind, tornados – Zero weather effects needed

– Water and underwater scenes – None present

– Night scenes – No more than two to three, minimal requirements

– Helicopters, aircraft, drone shots – these shots have been eliminated

– Green screen work – None required

– Extensive Make-up – None required

– Archival Footage – Only minimal crowd stock footage

– Anything dangerous to up prep time &/or Insurance – None required

2. With a major scene that depends upon a “high budget variable,” take it through the process of finding another way to deliver on the dramatic goal.

A key scene written for a coffee shop will take place driving in a car.

1. High budget item in your script you are letting go of.

A key scene will take place in the front yard not in a crowded stadium and will still deliver on the dramatic goal.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

I’m ready to do another interview exchange. Send me an email and we’ll help each other out. Tom, wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson’s rewrite of Jamie Roberts’ Fantastic Treatment “The Conclave” TV Pilot

Carl grows up with parents who frequently leave him at home alone when they go to dances and parties. They attend only weddings and funerals in church. Carl is lonely and spends time with his Grandma Marta, the town librarian who introduces him to the world’s wonders in books. He reads children’s stories, sketches characters in favorite tales and longs to read grownup books. Marta recognizes his skills and lets him explore the adult section.

When Marta was Carl’s age, she too sought exciting new ideas. One day kids make fun of Marta. Carl says she should discipline them. She says no, they react to what they don’t understand. Marta confesses she was born a man. Only after surgery, did she become female. Carl is overwhelmed. She says he’s insightful, very bright and like her in more ways than he knows. She shows him state law books and says the law is not on “our” side and she wants him to grow up and fix things.

Age 18, Carl is baptized and that night makes love on the golf course with his girlfriend Jamie.

He takes junior college pre-law classes, aces the LSAT exam, and wins a law school scholarship.

Three years later it’s graduation day. Carl exits the auditorium with his diploma and enters a clinic.

A day later, Grandma Marta pushes the transitioned Claire out of the clinic in a wheelchair.

Claire is a rising star in the small-town law firm. She’s also lonely and confused. Since she transitioned, friends and family distance themselves. She finds out Jamie was cheating on her with other men. How should she present herself to males? If she wants to date someone, wouldn’t she run them off if she confesses she had the surgery? Isn’t it more honest to be intimate with other females? Only Grandma Marta stands by her.

She gravitates to trans people and takes up with a group of non-binaries and transgenders. Brigid, a transitioned Catholic priest, urges Claire to seek a church that fits her needs.

Claire studies feminine aspects of God and tells the group about a trans women’s pagan reconstructionist assembly in the Catskills. Brigid doesn’t consider it a “true religion.” She says like people a religion’s outward appearance isn’t always the same inside.

Claire exchanges emails with the assembly. They invite her to become a priestess. She gives them her credit card number, packs a bag and says goodbye to Grandma Marta who fears for Claire’s safety. She tells her not to worry.

Claire drives to New York to visit the group. In North Caroline, she’s attacked for using a ladies restroom. In D.C., she gets a parking ticket and narrowly avoids arrest for weed possession.

She arrives at the Temple of Magna Mater late at night. It’s built like a fort, surrounded by a moat. Claire must show the camera her driver’s license. High Priestess Livia gives her a tour of the ancient building, evades her questions about becoming a priestess, and shows her a small, dingy cell. Claire likes it and unpacks. Claire meets Minerva, a kindred spirit. They get high together.

Minerva says after the initiation ceremony, Claire will join the Melissae Priestesses Conclave. Claire says they’re Satanic and sacrifice humans. Minerva says no, that she’ll be gifted with powers to foresee future events. Just then Claire hears a woman sobbing. Minerva doesn’t notice it.

Later Claire hears Livia scold Minerva. She says Livia punished her for telling Claire about the Conclave. They must whisper because Livia hears them. Claire searches for a hidden microphone. Minerva taps her own forehead. Says Livia doesn’t need mics. Exhausted, Claire falls asleep.

Next day, Claire is initiated into the Temple. Livia escorts her down a stone stairway to a gritty dungeon with only faint candlelight. Cables secure her to a cold, hard stone slab. Ghostly figures remove her clothes. Her body is draped with a grey sheet. Alarmed at what’s happening, she cries out. She’s forced to drink a bitter potion. She passes out, dreams a panther seduces her. She follows the cat to a tree trunk that fell into the river. She spots something beneath it.

Next morning Claire wakes up in her room. She wears a leather gown. Minerva appears. She questions Claire about how she feels but Claire’s not sure. She tells Minerva about her dream. Claire sketches the fallen tree in the river.

Minerva’s boyfriend, Temple’s handyman Bret, takes them to a party house where young people dance, play D&D games and have fun. They relay-race and play tug-a-war. Bret leads them in songs. Later he sits by himself and tells Claire others avoid him because he’s the town marshal’s son.

Claire closes her eyes. Bret asks if she drank too much. She says, no, she senses something’s bothers him. He doesn’t reply. Minerva says little Bobby who lives nearby vanished coming home from school. Police and volunteers scoured the woods, dragged the river but found nothing.

Claire tells Bret he’s the marshal’s son, why didn’t he know about Bobby. Minerva says Bret doesn’t live with his father who’s very conservative. He considers Bret a hippie, disowned him. Bret says he loves his dad but it’s not returned. Claire says maybe this will help. She sketches the tree in the river from her dream. Bret sees something is in the water under the tree. He wants his father’s approval.

That night, Bret wades into the river, shines his flashlight under the tree and sees a body. He runs to his dad’s house, shows him the sketch, tells him about the body. The marshal’s date comes outside. Bret’s stunned. She’s the high school sophomore he took to the prom. The marshal’s angry he saw her.

Bret meets with Claire and tells her what’s really burdening him. He’s being blackmailed by a priest who’s been abusing him. If he outs him, the priest will tell his dad the “real truth” and do nothing. Bret begs her to meet him later that night.

Claire and the priest are surprised later when Bret introduces them. He says Claire’s his attorney. She says abuse is a terrible sin, a serious crime. He’ll go to jail for years. Bret will report him as a pedophile unless he leaves town. The priest threatens to tell the “real truth” about Bret. Abruptly Bret stabs the priest in the neck with a screwdriver and he dies. Claire is shocked. Bret gets Claire to help him. After midnight, they take the body in a wheelbarrow to a bridge and dump it into the river.

Next day, Bobby is found safe, locked in a shed behind the priest’s house. Bret meets Claire on a street corner. The radio says the priest’s body was found in the river under the tree. The marshal and two deputies corner Bret and Claire. Bret drops his gaze. Holds up his hands. Handcuffs go on.

Next day Claire visits Bret in jail. He says he’ll be tried for murder and wants her to save him from the gas chamber. She counters she’s never defended anyone in a criminal case. By law the court must appoint a public defender for him. Bret says that’s why I need you. The designated PD is a drunk. He was carefully selected. No one he defended ever won their case.

Claire won’t help him unless he tells her the “real truth.” He confesses the priest coerced him into sex, and his dad disowned him, because he’s transgender. Now, Bret says, you come clean with me. How did you know the priest’s body was under the tree before he was killed? She doesn’t respond. He counters if she won’t help him, he’ll implicate her in the priest’s murder. Next day, after a sleepless night, Claire tells the court clerk she will represent Bret in the murder case. #

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Fantastic Treatment (latest – posted 5Jun21)

What I learned is it’s easier to improve structure in treatment than in script.

Title: Men are from Mars.

One hour thriller TV Pilot

1. Scientist Kate prepares for the Mars mission. Her ex-husband and boss NASA engineer Warren is pissed because his cousin the delusional President of the U.S. (Potus) got big aerospace companies to fund his election campaign by promising them a very profitable Moon mission. When Kate proposed her mission to discover if Mars was the origin of human life on Earth, Potus switched the Moon mission to the Mars mission. Kate and Warren’s 13-year-old, clairvoyant daughter Clare warns Kate she senses Warren wants her to lead a Moon mission. Because the aerospace companies refuse to contribute to Potus’ reelection campaign because he reneged on his promised Moon mission, Warren fears Potus won’t be reelected and won’t appoint Warren Space Force commander in his next term. Warren gives aerospace CEO Stu target coordinates. Stu drives out to the desert. That night NASA crew capsule engineer Roswell senses an incoming asteroid and gets the crew out of the hangar just in time. A siren is heard. An asteroid strikes and destroys the Mars crew capsule. Clare arrives and is elated—Kate won’t be deserting her. Kate and her brother-in-law, Roswell who’s a NASA engineer, wade the wreckage debris and find a strange electronic device they send to a lab for analysis. Stu admits to Warren he activated the siren to warn the crew because his son Mike and Warren’s ex-wife Kate are crew members.

2. Warren meets with his cousin, the President of the U.S. (Potus) and says we lost our Mars crew capsule but have a Moon crew capsule the crew can use to mine metals on the Moon. Potus asks how could an asteroid strike the crew capsule days before launch?
Potus is suspicious. Anything you’re not telling me? Potus meets with Kate separately. She wants another crew capsule so she can get to Mars before the Launch Opportunity closes. He says a new crew capsule will cost millions, won’t be finished before it’s too late. We might get you a crew capsule if we can go on a date. She’s attracted to him but remains professional. He meets separately with Warren and asks if the Moon capsule can be used for a Mars mission. Warren says yes. Potus calls Kate in. Ex-spouses Kate and Warren are shocked to see each other. Potus: Use the Moon crew capsule for the Mars mission. Warren: If we don’t go to the Moon, the aerospace companies won’t fund your campaign and you won’t be reelected. Kate: And if without a second term, he can’t make you SpaceForce chief. Warren is angry that she knows that. Next day Warren’s NASA Director boss announces the crew will mine metals on the Moon. Clare’s angry Kate will abandon her. Kate begs Potus to let her go to Mars to search for microbes. Potus: Aren’t there microbes on the Moon? That night Kate is excited about the microbes Apollo astronauts found and looks forward to finding more on the Moon. Clare’s furious her mom’s so excited about abandoning her and packs s suitcase. Kate convinces her to stay.

3. Stu introduces Warren to computer nerd Mark, who works for a heart pacemaker company. At midnight Mark takes Warren’s father, Edward’s pacemaker offline. Edward brushes his teeth at home and abruptly has a seizure. Warren drives his mother, sister Evelyn and their dog to Edward’s funeral in a limo. Later as they drive home, Warren’s Mother says Edward left his wealth and Zenith Aerospace stock to Evelyn. Warren inherits nothing. In a fit of rage, Warren speeds up and crashes the limo into a tree. Zenith aerospace CEO Stu who follows them from the funeral stops his car, finds Warren’s mother is dead. Warren’s unconscious. Evelyn and the dog are slightly injured. He calls an ambulance and takes Evelyn to a hospital to patch her up. She begs Stu to hide her because after the crash Warren would have killed her if he hadn’t passed out from his injuries.

4. A pandemic halts imports of precious metals used to make all electronic devices. Evelyn, who’s hiding at Zenith Aerospace, covers a crime wall with articles about her father’s mysterious death, the post-funeral car crash that killed her Mom, and what happened to her. Kate is called to the astronaut academy because Clare slugged a girl who said Warren was a ‘hot hunk.’ School counselor Amy, Kate’s sister, tells Kate when Kate goes on the mission, Clare senses Warren will get custody of her and abuse her. Kate notices Clare flirts with Bill her married physics teacher. On the way home, Clare says Warren can’t be her dad and asks Kate, ‘you sure someone else didn’t get in first?’ Warren summons Kate and Clare to divorce court the following week. He wants to gain custody of Clare because her mom Kate will be on the mission. Next day, Clare asks Warren buy her new clothes for school and takes him to Victoria’s Secret. In a dressing room, she uses his cellphone to take sexy selfies of herself in lingerie looking as if she’s tied down and being sexually assaulted. The following week at the courthouse, she corners Warren in the men’s room, shows him the sexy photos of herself taken on his phone. Clare: I have copies of these pictures and if you don’t drop this custody case, I’ll show them to the judge. Warren withdraws his appeal.

5. Kate, Clare and Roswell visit Art’s house to show him the lab analysis of the mysterious device found in the asteroid, crew capsule debris. The scientists have never seen anything like it before. Art introduces them to his wife and Dirk, autistic son who moved back in with him. His wife glares at Kate because of her fling with Art. Art says despite his autism, Dirk would like to apply for the astronaut academy Clare attends. Clare and Dirk discuss this.

6. Warren seduces his NASA director boss, persuades her to ask Potus to do the Moon mission. Potus says no. Warren begs Potus to send Kate and crew to the Moon to mine precious metals so the U.S. economy will improve and aerospace will fund his campaign needed to get him reelected. Potus refuses and tells him his clairvoyant daughter Clare can sense where metals can be found in the Mojave, the crew can dig them up. The metals will keep the economy humming. No need for a Moon mission. Warren’s furious.

7, Roswell and Clare fly over the desert. She marks the map where she senses metals can be found. The crew mines the precious metals. Kate complains to Potus the mining is too slow. He sends them a processing factory that workers setup. Production spikes. Roswell finds Warren’s spy camera Warren installed in Clare’s room when he and Kate divorced. It proves when she leaves, Warren will abuse Clare. Kate tells her sister Amy, she had a fling with Art years ago. When Art’s pregnant wife found out, she gave birth early to a preemie, Dirk who was born autistic. Warren remotely accesses his spy camera. Instead of Clare in her bedroom, the camera shows a photo of Warren, Kate and Clare taken the day Clare was born. Warren is mad when he finds out Potus sent the crew a new metals processing factory. Warren gives Stu new coordinates. Stu won’t let Warren go with him and drives solo to the desert. That night, an asteroid strikes the processor.

8. Potus: What’re the odds another asteroid destroys the metals processor? What’s really going on? Warren tells Potus to send the crew to the Moon for metals to keep the GDP humming and aerospace will fund his reelection. Potus reluctantly okays fat contracts to aerospace to build habitats for the Moon mission. Aerospace funds Potus’ campaign. The morning of the launch Kate prepares for leave for the NASA center. Clare has a suitcase and is also leaving. She tells Kate she found out it was Warren who told Art’s wife about Kate’s affair with Art and that caused Art’s wife to give birth early to a boy born a preemie who has autism. Clare exits and hops in Bill’s car. They drive away. Kate is overwhelmed. Later Clare and Bill watch from the crown as Kate and crew board the rocket. Clare and Bill watch from the gallery. The crown cheers as the crew parades to the rocket. Kate waves at Clare. Clare doesn’t wave back. During launch there’s an anomaly. The crew’s space capsule is lost at sea. Navy ships and Clare in a helicopter search the ocean where the capsule was last seen diving beneath the waves. #

[Tom Wilson]

I’m ready to exchange interviews and/or rewrites. Please send me a note at wilsontomj@gmail.com. We can exchange our latest versions and help each other improve them.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Fantastic Treatment

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s a challenge to speed up to improve my writing.

Title: Men are from Mars

Genre: Thriller

Logline: Scientist Kate is anxious to discover if life on Mars is the basis for human life on Earth. She’s challenged by family troubles, politics and competing projects before she can get her Mars mission approved.

Format: Teaser and 4 Act One Hour TV Pilot

1. Kate and her parents, Harvey and Melinda, see her younger brother Warren sent to prison. Kate becomes an astronaut-scientist. She wins science fair first prize and is accepted at MIT where she has a fling with her married astrophysics professor, astronaut Art. She investigates if asteroids brought primitive Martian life to earth and were the origin of life on Earth.

2. Harvey’s the manager of Zenith Aerospace. Sam is his gifted design engineer. Mysterious stranger Monty persuades Sam to leave Zenith. He offers him the opportunity to revive and lead the failing Infinity Aerospace co. which Monty finances with Russian mafia money.

3. Harvey, Melinda, Kate and Clare, Kate’s clairvoyant, bipolar daughter, pick Warren up at the prison. Clare silently studies Warren. Kate works late one night with colleague Nancy on her science project. Clare says she senses Warren is in mental Hell. Kate realizes her daughter is clairvoyant. Kate tells colleague Nancy she doesn’t spend enough quality time with Clare. Kate takes Warren take the high school. He aces an equivalency exam and get in. Within a week he’s a fight and gets suspended.

4. Warren takes Clare to a high stakes poker game. As he plays, Warren closely studies Clare’s reaction as she circles the players and reads their hands. Warren uses her input and wins a large hand. She sees him speak with Luke who just lost a bundle to Warren. Luke offers Warren a wad of Benjamins. Warren won’t take it, says I’ll collect from you later. Clare realizes by watching her he cheated and she was complicit Harvey offers Warren a job at Zenith but he gets Harvey to buy him flying lessons. Melinda’s angry because as a teenager Warren went to jail for flying a Gulfstream jet from a private airport for fun. Thanks to his youth, Warren got a short sentence. His criminal record was sealed.

5. Kate studies human life origins and earns her masters degree. She wants to see if life exists elsewhere in the solar system. Art mentors her into NASA’s astronaut program. Sam approaches Warren at trade school, gets him into an engineering school, and trains him at the company. Warren leaves his parent’s house and moves in with Sam. Warren’s a natural aviator. Warren’s flight instructor signs his twin-engine license and introduces him to a friend in NASA’s test pilot program. Warren’s hired and backstabs his way up NASA’s org chart. Harvey and Sam’s companies compete for the Mars mission contract. Warren secretly helps Sam’s Infinity co. Thanks to Harvey’s hard work, Zenith wins and gets the NASA Mars crew capsule contract. He’s promoted to CEO.

6. Kate enters NASA mission competition. She’s thrilled her ex-lover, Art’s the Mars crew captain. Technology officer is Sam’s son Mike. She’s shocked to find mission manager is her brother Warren. Clare sees Warren on TV at a news conference. The NASA administrator is Luke, the man Clare helped Warren beat at poker. During the ceremony, Luke sweats and is uncomfortable. Later Art sees him speak with an infirmary doctor. On a screen the doc examines a sonogram of cardiac device implanted in Luke’s chest.

7. False data is found in Kate’s proposal. She’s taken off the Mars mission. Clare senses Warren did it. Kate’s friend Nancy finds Mike planted the false data in Kate’s proposal. Before she can report it, she dies mysteriously. Clare sees a pattern evolve. Warren and Luke jog around the track. Luke is out of breath. Warren looks around and sees no one watching them. He walks Luke under some bleachers and into a job johnny that has unusual metal walls. Luke is abruptly alarmed and pushes Warren to exit the potty. Warren won’t let him leave. Luke staggers and folds. Warren listens to his heart beat till there is none and opens the potty door. He calls out for help. Warren raises his hand during an informal WH lawn event. His cousin the President (Potus) swears him in as the new NASA administrator. Warren shakes hands with Potus and says, “Thanks, Cuz.” Potus grimaces and replies, “I will always be ‘Mr. President,’ especially to you.”

8. A pandemic postpones the Mars mission Because China stops exporting scarce precious metals to the U.S. The economy slows. The delusional President who wants GDP to rise so he’ll be reelected, orders the crew to mine the metals in the Mojave. Daughter Clare senses the best spots are to dig up the metals. Art congratulates her for finding the metals. Clare wishes she was valued for herself, not just her gifts. A suspicious asteroid strikes and destroys the crew’s metal processer. President insists they mine metals on the Moon. He provides billion-dollar Moon base contracts to the aerospace companies. They write million-dollar checks to Potus’ campaign to ensure his reelection. Warren is appointed NASA administrator. Kate hates she must mine the Moon instead of discover science on Mars. Clare sees how badly her mom was wronged. Kate tells Clare she’ll search the Moon for microbes and swears she’ll someday get to Mars.

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s UPDATED Synopsis for a SECOND Producer Interview

Title: MARS BECKONS

Genre: Thriller

Logline: Logline: Scientist Kate prepares a mission to Mars to study if life forms there are the origin of life on Earth. Her ex-husband and boss Warren desperately wants her to instead build a Moon base that’s profitable for aerospace companies so they will fund his cousin the President’s reelection.

Synopsis: Scientist Kate prepares for the Mars mission. Her ex-husband and boss NASA engineer Warren is pissed because his cousin the delusional President (Potus) got big aerospace companies to fund his election campaign by promising to greenlight a Moon mission profitable for them. But Kate proposed her mission to discover if Mars was the origin of human life on Earth and Potus switched the Moon mission to the Mars mission. Kate and Warren’s young, clairvoyant daughter Clare warns Kate she senses Warren wants her to lead a Moon mission. Because the big three aerospace companies refuse to contribute to Potus’ reelection campaign because he reneged on his promise to greenlight a Moon mission. Potus won’t be reelected and will not appoint Warren Space Force commander in his next term. Warren gives aerospace CEO Stu target coordinates. Stu drives out to the desert. That night NASA crew capsule engineer Roswell senses an incoming asteroid and gets the crew out of the hangar just in time. A siren is heard. An asteroid strikes and destroys the Mars crew capsule. Kate and Roswell wade the wreckage debris and find a strange electronic device they send to a lab for analysis.

Stu admits to Warren he activated the siren to warn the crew because his son Mike and Warren’s ex-wife Kate are crew members. Next day Warren offers Mars mission captain Art, Stu’s crew capsule as a substitute. Stu introduces Warren to computer nerd Mark, who works for a heart pacemaker maker. That night Mark takes Warren’s dad Edward’s pacemaker offline. Edward brushes his teeth at home and abruptly has a seizure.

Warren drives his mother, sister Evelyn and their dog to Edward’s funeral in a limo. Later as they drive home, Warren’s Mother says Edward left his wealth and Zenith Aerospace stock to Evelyn. Warren inherits nothing. In a fit of rage, Warren speeds up and crashes the limo into a tree. New aerospace CEO Stu who follows them, stops his car, finds Warren’s mother is dead, Warren’s unconscious, Evelyn and the dog are injured. He calls an ambulance. Evelyn persuades him to take her to a hospital where her mild injuries are patched up. She begs Stu to hide her because when Warren learned he was left him nothing, he tried to kill her by wrecking the limo.

A pandemic halts imports of precious metals used to make all electronic devices. At the aerospace company, Evelyn covers a crime wall with articles about Edward’s mysterious death, the post-funeral car crash that killed her mother, and her disappearance. Kate is called to the astronaut academy because Clare slugged a girl who said her dad Warren was a ‘hot hunk.’ School counselor Amy, Kate’s sister, tells Kate, Clare senses that when Kate goes on the mission, Warren will get custody of her and abuse her. She asks Kate if ‘someone else didn’t get in first’ because Warren can’t be her dad. Warren gives Stu new coors. Stu refuses his request to go with him and drives solo to the desert.

Warren seduces his NASA director boss, persuades her to ask Potus to do the Moon mission. Potus says no. Warren begs Potus to send Kate and crew to the Moon to mine precious metals so the U.S. economy will improve, aerospace will fund his campaign which will get him reelected. Potus refuses and tells him his clairvoyant daughter Clare can sense where metals can be found in the Mojave, the crew can dig them up. The metals will keep the economy humming. No need for a Moon mission. Warren’s fury.

Roswell and Clare fly over the desert. She marks the map where metals can be found. The crew mines the precious metals. Kate complains to Potus the mining is too slow. He sends them a processing factory workers setup. Production increases. Roswell finds Warren’s spy camera Warren installed in Clare’s room when he and Kate divorced. It proves he will abuse Clare.

Kate tells her sister Amy, she had a fling with Art years ago. When Art’s pregnant wife found out, she gave birth early to a preemie, Dirk who was born autistic. Warren remotely accesses his spy camera. Instead of Clare in her bedroom, the camera shows a photo of him, Kate and Clare taken the day Clare was born. Warren is mad when he finds out the crew has a new metals processor and gives Stu another set of coordinates. That night, an asteroid destroys the precious metals processing plant.

Warren tells Potus to send the crew to the Moon for metals and aerospace companies will fund his reelection. Potus reluctantly okays fat contracts to aerospace to fabricate habitats for the Moon mission. Aerospace funds Potus’ campaign. Kate and crew board the rocket for the Moon. During launch there’s an anomaly. The crew’s space capsule is lost at sea. Navy ships and Clare in a helicopter search the ocean where the capsule was seen diving beneath the waves. #

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

This is the beginning of the thriller TV Pilot, ASTEROID EXPRESS. Scientist Kate can’t wait to seek life forms on Mars. If they match human tissue, we may all be Martians in origin. Her ex-husband, NASA manager Warren is desperate to get the President to green light a lucrative Moon mission for the big three aerospace companies so they will fund Warren’s cousin, the President’s reelection campaign. Warren will then be appointed Space Force Commander.

INT. CAPE CANAVERAL MARS MISSION CREW CAPSULE – NIGHT

A countdown clock shows time and date of the launch to Mars.

CLARE (13) sorts thousands of slides. She senses something, backtracks hundreds till she finds the right one.

KATE (34) speed reads data racing down her laptop screen.

They work in a capsule a spaceship will transport the crew in to Mars.

Clare pops a slide under the electron microscope.

CLARE

And this one.

Trance-like, Kate continues processing her science.

CLARE

Earth to Mom.

Kate glances through the eyepiece.

KATE

Chassignite meteorite.

CLARE

You got them all cold. At home you can’t tell oregano from garlic.

KATE

That’s why you cook.

CLARE

Asteroids brought them from Mars?

KATE

Some. We’ll see which ones when we arrive. So exciting. Can’t wait.

CLARE

I wish you wouldn’t go.

They hear a NOISE. Clare’s eyes snap shut.

CLARE

There’s two of them. Up to no good.

They exit the crew capsule, separate and tiptoe around either side of the circular capsule.

They confront two men.

WARREN (46) has NASA ID. His mouth smiles. His eyes scheme.

Gnomish STU (62) holds a probe against the crew capsule.

KATE

What’s up, Boss?

Warren eyes Clare’s “Visitor” I.D. Best defense, an offense.

WARREN

Visiting hours are over.

Kate eyes Stu’s “Visitor” I.D.

KATE

Are you visiting?

WARREN

Zenith Aerospace CEO Stu, meet Mars science officer Kate, and our daughter Clare.

STU

Your Ex.

CLARE

We’re both his Ex’s. That’s GPS.

Stu snaps the instrument closed.

WARREN
Seismic activity does a lot of damage.

KATE

Our ship hasn’t moved a millimeter.

WARREN
I bet you’ll miss your mom.

CLARE

A lot more than you won’t.

Warren swaggers out the bay door almost hiding his limp.

A crescent Moon pops over the horizon and approaches Mars high above.

Stu catches up.

STU
Wow. If she can find life on Mars.

WARREN
We need her to find it on the Moon.

STU
Huh?

WARREN
Scientists seek toys to play with. Engineers make things that payoff.

Back in the hangar, Clare squints after them.

KATE
I’m sure he loves you very much.

Clare’s hand circles her head.

CLARE
He wants you to go to the Moon.

KATE
Ever give your senses a day off?

CLARE
It was you named me after “clairvoyance.” Thank God you didn’t know yet I’m bipolar.

There’s no way he’s my father.

KATE
What.

CLARE
You sure somebody else didn’t get in first?

Kate and Clare exit. The bay door slides shut behind them.

EXT. ABANDONED DESERT AIRPORT – NIGHT

Only light is the crescent Moon, a million stars and Mars.

THREE LAWYERS (40s) grab-ass under a Gulfstream corporate jet labeled “Alpha Aerospace.”

Military Humvee ROARS out of the night. Headlights flash on.

The three run behind the jet. What the hell!

Humvee SCREECHES to a halt inches from them.

Warren exits driver’s side. Stu hops out the other.

The trio shield their eyes from the bright headlights.

WARREN
The three blind mice lawyers.

LAWYER ONE
What melodrama school did he go to.

They shake their heads at Warren’s jodhpurs.

Stu roughly runs an electronic wand over their lavish suits.

LAWYER TWO
No lights. No wires. This won’t be too kosher.

Warren lights a cigarette, exhales in their faces.

WARREN
You’ll get your goddamn Moon base.

Lawyer One pats his ear.

LAWYER ONE
Isn’t that lie about four years old.

LAWYER TWO
He promised our companies a Moon mission. Our bucks got his cousin, Looney Tunes into the White House.

LAWYER THREE
Why should we believe him now.

WARREN
Would a Moon base get us your reelection support?

LAWYER ONE
It’s late in the game.

WARREN
Watch the skies.

The trio look up at Mars and the Moon.

WARREN
Not now, dummies. Mañana.

Warren and Stu hop in the Humvee and blast 0ff.

EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT

Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the building a massive dish antenna.

Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”

The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu enter the building. Stu reveals a crew capsule similar to the one they lost.

Warren hands Stu coordinates.

STU
Do it at night. No one’s around.

WARREN
Daytime. The world must see it.

STU
The crew’s in it then. Do you want to destroy the capsule and your Ex?

Warren smirks.

STU
You hate her that much.

WARREN
This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.

STU
No. I got it. Why’d the President swap a Moon for a Mars mission.

WARREN
To impress Kate.

STU
He’s got the hots for your Ex. What if Art doesn’t buy it.

WARREN
No choice. You got no competition.

Outside he opens the Humvee and removes a crippled dog.

He slow walks it for a pee.

A woman we’ll learn is EVELYN glares out a window at Warren.

She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.

Warren returns the dog to the Humvee.

Starts to climb behind the wheel.

Opens driver’s door and stops.

He turns and glances up at Evelyn’s window.

She ducks.

Warren climbs in and drives away.

Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.

Enters the ancient, crypt-like building, trots down stairs, passes discarded engine parts.

Examines rocket engines. Picks one and exits.

Outside he climbs into an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.

It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed.

EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL MARS MISSION CREW CAPSULE – DAY

Five Mars crewmates – Kate, ROSWELL (38), Captain ART (41), MIKE (29), ZOE (26) – work fast to finish in time for launch.

Families with KIDs on a guided tour gape into the hangar bay.

Kate runs to the hangar door and waves at the group’s guide.

KID ONE
Why go to Mars?

KATE
We look for life forms.

KID ONE
Did asteroids really bring life stuff from Mars.

Roswell runs over and searches the sky.

KATE
We’ve identified Martian molecular structures asteroids carried here. Could be biological in origin. We’ll confirm it when we get there.

A loud siren SOUNDS.

KID TWO
If it’s like us we’re all Martians!

Roswell spots something above.

A whistling SOUND.

ROSWELL
Get out. Run for your lives.

Whistling sound is SHRILL.

Art and the crew rush over.

ROSWELL
Get over here.

He and Kate herd the group and the crew behind a building.

Whistling sound is a SCREECH.

An enormous, deafening EXPLOSION.

Their crew capsule hangar DISINTEGRATES.

A BLAST WAVE shakes them.

Metal, dirt, rock rain down.

Families and crew hug the wall, cover their heads.

LATER
Fire fighters douse flames. Charred debris everywhere.

EMTs treat minor cuts and bruises.

Roswell hands Kate boots.

They duck under the yellow tape and wade the debris field.

Roswell discovers a mysterious looking device.

Art rushes over. They stare wide-eyed at it.

ROSWELL
I knew it was a hit job.

KATE
Like the one that got your folks.

Art looks at Kate, then Roswell.

ROSWELL
When I was a kid.

ART
A goddamn asteroid. What’re the odds.

MIKE
We should all buy a lottery ticket.

Clare races up and embraces Kate.

CLARE
You’re okay. You don’t have to go!

KATE
I should quit and teach. See you into your young womanhood.

CLARE
But you live for this.

EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – DAY
Clare, Kate, Art, Roswell, Mike, Zoe exit a van and approach.

Warren and Stu wait for them at the entrance.

WARREN
Why did a siren warn them before the explosion?

STU
We both got family here.

The crew joins them.

WARREN
Zenith CEO Stu, meet Art, Roswell, Zoe. Kate, Clare. Mike you know.

Stu messes Mike’s hair.

STU
Only since he was born.

He smiles at Clare.

STU
It’s always good to see Kate’s young lady.

WARREN
She’s mine too. No school today?

Kate addresses Stu.

KATE
Clare aces her classes. So she spends more time with me pre-launch.

They file inside.

Rough concrete floor. A bat glides silently overhead.

A single distant work light powered by a diesel generator.

KATE
Forget to pay the light bill?

Stu opens a curtain. They spot the shiny new crew capsule.

WARREN
Stu made you a new ride.

They’re excited, rush over and examine it.

STU
How’d she know about the lights?

WARREN
No more worries about bills. And it covers all our ballistic expenses.

KATE
Designed for the Moon. Not Mars.

WARREN
Moon’s a good stepping stone on your way to Mars.

KATE
We’re Mars Express. Means nonstop.

CLARE
Crew capsule dies. New one appears. It’s why they call you “Slick.”

STU
Built for DARPA. They canceled.

ROSWELL
Bullshit. DARPA don’t do human missions.

Warren makes a fist and moves on Roswell.

Kate steps between them.

ART
We’ll take it.

ROSWELL
Not enough time to adapt it.

WARREN
Better get cracking.

STU
I’ll drop it off first thing.

The crew exits. Warren gestures at Mike.

WARREN
You want to be mission captain.

Mike pivots to Stu.

MIKE
Dad, is Art alright.

Warren steps between them.

WARREN
Keep an eye on Art and Kate. Let me know about anything unusual.

Mike exits.

INT. ZENITH CONTROL ROOM – DAY

EVELYN studies Warren on a monitor as he gets in his Humvee.

She touches a scar at her hairline.

Warren glowers at the camera.

Stu enters.

STU
What do you think.

EVELYN
He’s same monster bro who killed mom. And me, if not for you.

Warren drives out of the parking lot.

Evelyn adds a news article to the collection on the wall.

Stu examines several of the clippings:

‘Widow dies on way home from Husband’s Funeral.’

‘NASA executive Son Warren hospitalized for a hip injury.’

‘Daughter Evelyn Missing.’

Photos: Totaled limousine. Ambulances. Police cars.

STU
I paid the hospital cash. They kept no records. You have no back up.

She jerks like he slapped her.

STU
I’m sorry you can’t just go home.

EVELYN
He should be exterminated.

STU
You mean jailed. For the accident.

She points at a photo of a burning Iraqi hospital.

EVELYN
That was no accident. Exterminated for the wet work you do for him.

Stu squirms. How does she know? #

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Producer Interview Experience

What I learned is as a writer I love to explore story ideas with people who are as passionate as I am to develop material until it’s as good as we can possibly make it.

As a producer I can see where choices must be made between writing good quality material and developing a version that is marketable. Sometimes they can’t be the same.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Synopsis for Producer Interview
Title: Mars via Moon

Genre: Thriller

Logline: Scientist Kate prepares a mission to Mars to study if life forms there are the origin of life on Earth. Her ex-husband NASA engineer Warren desperately needs her crew to instead build a Moon base that’s profitable for aerospace companies so they will fund his cousin the President’s reelection.

Synopsis: Protagonist Kate prepares for the Mars mission. Antagonist NASA engineer Warren would rather his aerospace pals make billions with a permanent Moon base. There’s a Pandemic. Industry needs the rare metals that are scarce on Earth, to manufacture all electronics.

Kate assembles evidence that proves primitive life forms on Mars were brought to Earth by asteroids. She’s anxious to get to Mars and confirm it. Warren heads NASA’s human space exploration program and lobbies for a Moon base that will make huge profits for the aerospace companies.

The clock is ticking. Unless Warren convinces his cousin the delusional POTUS (President of the U.S.) to greenlight aerospace companies to make prefabs Kate’s crew will assemble on the Moon, they will not fund POTUS’ reelection campaign. Four years earlier the aerospace companies funded the President’s election because Warren promised them a Moon mission. Kate told POTUS her Mars mission is important because it solves science’s biggest mystery. So, POTUS switched from the Moon mission to her Mars mission. The night before the launch to Mars, an asteroid destroyed the crew’s capsule. What are the odds that could possibly happen?

When POTUS switched missions, Warren was pissed because if he can’t reelected without aerospace contributions and won’t name Warren Space Force commander. When the Mars crew capsule was destroyed, Warren gives the Mars crew a new crew capsule originally designed for a Moon mission. He still hopes to force them go to the Moon not Mars.

A Pandemic hits, the Mars mission is cancelled. Precious metals are no longer imported. POTUS who needs to prop up the U.S. economy so he’ll be reelected in November, orders Kate and crew to seek precious metals in the Mojave. When they don’t produce enough metals, Warren gets POTUS to send them to the Moon for precious metals and aerospace will fund his reelection.

Billion dollar contracts are let for aerospace to make prefabs Kate and crew will setup on the Moon. Kate convinces herself she’ll use the Moon as a steppingstone to Mars. Kate and crew set up a base in the Aitken South Pole basin and mine precious metals in abundance.

Kate secretly prepares to launch their lunar rocket to Mars. Warren realizes they haven’t shipped enough metals to Earth to improve the economy enough to get POTUS reelected.

The aerospace companies are angry because the crew abandoned the Moon base and they no longer ship the profitable metals to Earth. Kate and crew land on Mars and seek life forms. Their equipment that extracts breathable oxygen and hydrogen for fuel from Mars’ atmosphere doesn’t work. Kate and crew will asphyxiate. #

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 4 years ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Would anyone like to exchange critiques? My 10 pager is a thriller. Send me yours and I will reply with mine. wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Specialty – Thriller

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s exhilarating to learn how these films work so well.

Thriller

NORTH BY NORTHWEST

How it delivers on the genre conventions: High Stakes – If Roger Thornhill isn’t careful, Vandamm’s assassins will kill him. Plot Twists – Roger finds out CIA won’t lockup Vandamm to save his life because they need to learn more about his operation. Suspense – Will Vandamm’s men see through Roger’s disguise as a railroad porter and kill him? Will Roger discover why Van Dam’s after him?

Protagonist Roger faces “physical, emotional and mental danger at every step.”

He is an “Unknowing, unwitting, but resourceful hero”

Antagonist Vandamm is “dangerous, devious, unrelenting, will destroy anyone who gets in his way.”

Hitchcock’s NxNW truly “has high stakes, plots twists and suspense up till its exciting climax.”

Main emotions include never ending “suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension and surprise.”

Outline highlighting parts that fulfill the genre: Antagonist Vandamm mistakes Roger Thornhill for Kaplan a CIA spy he wants his henchmen to kill. They kidnap Roger, Vandamm says he’s Townsend. Roger denies he’s Kaplan. Leonard and Henchman get him drunk, make him drive on a treacherous mountain road. Cops DUI arrest him. He says Vandamm’s the bad guy. They don’t believe it. Mom bails him out. In Kaplan’s hotel room finds Vandamm photo. At UN speaks with real Townsend who henchmen kill and frame Roger. CIA head the Professor says Kaplan’s not real but Vandamm thinks Roger is him so let’s learn more about Vandamm and watch him try to kill Roger who evades cops at train station and boards train for Chicago. He meets Eve who lets him hide in her cabin. Cops stop/search train for him. Roger and Eve sleep together overnight. He exits disguised as a red cap porter with Eve. Cops roust other red cap porters. Leonard gives her instructions. She tells Roger he’s to meet Kaplan in farmland where a crop duster plane nearly kills him, crashes into an oil truck, explodes. Roger escapes to hotel where Kaplan checked out early proving Eve lied. He spots her and goes to her room. She doesn’t want anything to do with him, exits. He follows her to auction house, tells Vandamm he and Eve spent the night together and she puts her whole body into her work. Vandamm doesn’t like that, buys a statue and orders henchmen to kill Roger who disrupts auction and gets arrested to avoid henchmen. He admits to cops he’s the UN killer. They turn him over to Professor who says Eve’s a CIA agent He put her in danger when he told Vandamm they got it on, and flies him to Mr. Rushmore where Vandamm lives. Roger meets Vandamm, says he knows he’s leaving the country and will let him go if he turns Eve over to him. Vandamm sics his henchmen on him. Roger tries to take Eve with him but she “shoots” him in a public cafeteria. Leonard sees Professor declare him dead. Professor takes him to the woods where Roger meets Eve who says when she dated Vandamm, CIA had her spy on him. Roger’s pissed Professor didn’t tell him Eve will flee the US with Vandamm. A ranger knocks Roger out. Eve goes to Vandamm’s house. Professor locks Roger in a room. He escapes to Vandamm’s house and hears Leonard tell Vandamm Eve shot Roger with blanks. He’s jealous Eve’s hooked up with Vandamm who says he’ll toss Eve from the plane that awaits them outside. Roger hears them, warns Eve microfilm is in the statue. They exit to board the plane. The housekeeper points a gun at Roger. Shots ring out. Roger escapes housekeeper, drives car to the plane. Eve gets in. Henchmen chase them. They climb atop the Mt. Rushmore presidents with the statue. Henchman falls and dies. Leonard goes to push them off the cliff. A ranger with Professor shoots him. He dies. Roger pulls Eve off the cliff. Magically he pulls her into the upper berth on the train and calls her Mrs. Thornhill. The train enters a tunnel. #

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

INT. CAPE CANAVERAL MARS MISSION CREW CAPSULE – NIGHT
A countdown clock shows time and date of the launch to Mars.
CLARE (13) sorts thousands of slides. She senses something, backtracks hundreds till she finds the right one.
KATE (34) speed reads data racing down her laptop screen.
They work in a capsule a spaceship will transport the crew in to Mars.
Clare pops a slide under the electron microscope.
CLARE
And this one.
Trance-like, Kate continues processing her science.
CLARE
Earth to Mom.
Kate glances through the eyepiece.
KATE
Chassignite meteorite.
CLARE
You got them all cold. At home you can’t tell oregano from garlic.
KATE
That’s why you cook.
CLARE
Asteroids brought them from Mars?
KATE
Some. We’ll see which ones when we arrive. So exciting. Can’t wait.
CLARE
I wish you wouldn’t go.
They hear a NOISE. Clare’s eyes snap shut.
CLARE
There’s two of them. Up to no good.
They exit the crew capsule, separate and tiptoe around either side of the circular capsule.
They confront two men.
WARREN (46) has NASA ID. His mouth smiles. His eyes scheme.
Gnomish STU (62) holds a probe against the crew capsule.
KATE
What’s up, Boss?
Warren eyes Clare’s Visitor I.D. Best defense, an offense.
WARREN
Visiting hours are over.
Kate eyes Stu’s Visitor I.D.
KATE
Aren’t you visiting?
WARREN
Zenith Aerospace CEO Stu, meet Mars science officer Kate, and our daughter Clare.
STU
Your Ex.
CLARE
We’re both his Ex’s. That’s GPS.
Stu snaps the instrument closed.
WARREN
Seismic activity does a lot of damage.
KATE
Our ship hasn’t moved a millimeter.
WARREN
I bet you’ll miss your mom.
CLARE
A lot more than you won’t.
Warren swaggers out the bay door almost hiding his limp.
A crescent Moon pops over the horizon and approaches Mars high above.
Stu catches up.
STU
Wow. If she can find life on Mars.
WARREN
We need her to find it on the Moon.
STU
Huh?
WARREN
Scientists seek toys to play with. Engineers build things that payoff.
Back in the hangar, Clare squints after them.
KATE
I’m sure he loves you very much.
Clare twirls a finger beside her head.
CLARE
He wants you to go to the Moon.
KATE
Ever give your senses a day off?
CLARE
It was you named me after “clairvoyance.” Thank God you didn’t know yet I’m bipolar.
KATE
He wants only the best for you.
CLARE
There’s no way he’s my father.
KATE
What.
CLARE
You sure somebody else didn’t get in first?
Kate and Clare exit. The bay door slides shut behind them.
EXT. ABANDONED DESERT AIRPORT – NIGHT
Only light is the crescent Moon, a million stars and Mars.
THREE LAWYERS (40s) grab-ass under a Gulfstream corporate jet labeled “Alpha Aerospace.”
Military Humvee ROARS out of the night. Headlights flash on.
The three run behind the jet. What the hell!
Humvee SCREECHES to a halt inches from them.
Warren exits driver’s side. Stu hops out the other.
The trio shield their eyes against the bright headlights.
WARREN
The three blind mice lawyers.
LAWYER ONE
What melodrama school did he go to.
They shake their heads at Warren’s jodhpurs.
Stu roughly runs an electronic wand over their lavish suits.
LAWYER TWO
No lights, no wires. Can’t be too kosher.
Warren lights a cigarette, exhales in their faces.
WARREN
You’ll get your goddamn Moon base.
Lawyer One pats his ear.
LAWYER ONE
Isn’t that lie about four years old.
LAWYER TWO
He promised our companies a Moon mission. Our bucks got his cousin, Looney Tunes into the White House.
LAWYER THREE
Why should we believe him now.
WARREN
Would a Moon base get us your reelection support?
LAWYER ONE
It’s late in the game.
WARREN
Watch the skies.
The trio look up at Mars and the Moon.
WARREN
Not now, dummies. Mañana.
Warren and Stu hop in the Humvee and blast 0ff.
EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – NIGHT
Watchtower. Rough stone walls. 12-foot fence. Atop the building a massive dish antenna.
Sign reads “Zenith Aerospace.”
The Humvee pulls up. Warren and Stu enter the building. Stu reveals a crew capsule similar to the one they lost.
Warren hands Stu coordinates.
STU
Do it at night. No one’s around.
WARREN
Daytime. The world must see it.
STU
The crew’s in it then. Do you want to destroy the capsule and your Ex?
Warren smirks.
STU
You hate her that much.
WARREN
This sale saves your company. I got some time. I’ll go with you.
STU
No. I got it. Why’d the President swap a Moon for a Mars mission.
WARREN
To impress Kate.
STU
He’s got the hots for your Ex. What if Art doesn’t buy it.
WARREN
No choice. You got no competition.
Outside he opens the Humvee and removes a crippled dog.
He slow walks it for a pee.
A woman we’ll learn is EVELYN glares out a window at Warren.
She knows and loves the dog. Not so much Warren.
Warren returns the critter to the Humvee.
Opens driver’s door and stops.
Turns and glances up at Evelyn’s window.
She ducks.
Warren climbs in and drives away.
Stu ensures Warren is out of sight.
Enters the ancient, crypt-like building, trots down stairs, passes discarded engine parts.
Examines rocket engines. Picks one and exits.
He climbs into an antique Toyota Land Cruiser.
It sways onto the two-lane and picks up speed.
EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL MARS MISSION CREW CAPSULE – DAY
Five Mars crewmates – Kate, ROSWELL (38), Captain ART (41), MIKE (29), ZOE (26) – work fast to finish in time for launch.
Families with KIDs on a guided tour gape into the hangar bay.
Kate runs to the hangar door and waves at the group’s guide.
KID ONE
Why go to Mars?
KATE
We look for life forms.
KID ONE
Did asteroids really bring life stuff from Mars.
Roswell runs over and searches the sky.
KATE
We’ve identified Martian molecular structures asteroids carried here. Could be biological in origin. We’ll confirm it when we get there.
A loud siren SOUNDS.
KID TWO
If it’s like us we’re all Martians!
Roswell spots something above.
A whistling SOUND.
ROSWELL
Get out. Run for your lives.
Whistling sound is SHRILL.
Art and the crew rush over.
ROSWELL
Get over here.
He and Kate herd the group and the crew behind a building.
Whistling sound is a SCREECH.
An enormous, deafening EXPLOSION.
Their crew capsule hangar DISINTEGRATES.
A BLAST WAVE shakes them.
Metal, dirt, rock rain down.
Families and crew hug the wall, cover their heads.
LATER
Fire fighters douse flames. Charred debris everywhere.
EMTs treat minor cuts and bruises.
Roswell hands Kate boots.
They duck under the yellow tape and wade the debris field.
Roswell discovers a mysterious looking device.
Art rushes over. They stare wide-eyed at it.
ROSWELL
I knew it was a hit job.
KATE
Like the one that got your folks.
Art glances at Kate, then Roswell.
ROSWELL
When I was a kid.
ART
A damn asteroid. What’re the odds.
MIKE
We should all buy a lottery ticket.
Clare races up and embraces Kate.
CLARE
You’re okay. You don’t have to go!
KATE
I should quit and teach. See you into your womanhood.
CLARE
But you live for this.
EXT./INT. ZENITH AEROSPACE – DAY
Clare, Kate, Art, Roswell, Mike, Zoe exit a van and approach.
Warren and Stu wait for them at the entrance.
WARREN
Why did a siren warn them before the explosion?
STU
We both got family here.
The crew joins them.
WARREN
Zenith CEO Stu, meet Art, Roswell, Zoe. Kate, Clare and Mike you know.
Stu messes Mike’s hair.
STU
Only since he was born.
He smiles at Clare.
STU
It’s always good to see Kate’s young lady.
WARREN
She’s mine too. No school today?
Kate addresses Stu.
KATE
Clare aces her classes. Gets to spend more time with me pre-launch.
They file inside.
Rough concrete floor. A bat glides silently overhead.
A single distant work light powered by a diesel generator.
KATE
Forget to pay the light bill?
Stu opens a curtain. They spot Stu’s shiny new crew capsule.
WARREN
Stu made you a new ride.
They’re excited, rush over and examine it.
STU
How’d she know about the lights?
WARREN
No more worries about bills. It will cover our ballistic expenses.
KATE
Designed for the Moon. Not Mars.
WARREN
Moon’s a good stepstone to Mars.
KATE
We’re Mars Express. Means nonstop.
Clare stares at Warren.
CLARE
Crew capsule dies. New one appears. It’s why they call you “Slick.”
STU
Built for DARPA. They canceled.
ROSWELL
Bullshit. DARPA don’t do human missions.
Warren makes a fist and moves on Roswell.
Kate steps between them.
ART
We’ll take it.
ROSWELL
Not enough time to adapt it.
WARREN
Better get cracking.
STU
I’ll drop it off first thing.
The crew exits. Warren gestures at Mike.
WARREN
You want to be mission captain.
Mike pivots to Stu.
MIKE
Dad, is Art alright.
Warren steps between them.
WARREN
Keep an eye on Art and Kate. Let me know about anything unusual.
Mike exits.
INT. ZENITH CONTROL ROOM – DAY
EVELYN studies Warren on a monitor as he gets in his Humvee.
She touches a scar at her hairline.
Warren glowers at the camera.
Stu enters.
STU
What do you think.
EVELYN
He’s same monster bro who killed mom. And me, if not for you.
Warren drives out of the parking lot.
Evelyn adds a news article to the collection on the wall:
‘Widow dies on way home from husband’s funeral.’
‘NASA executive son Warren hospitalized for hip injury.’
‘Daughter Evelyn Missing.’
Family oil painting. Siblings Warren and Evelyn smile.
Photos: Totaled limousine. Ambulances. Police cars.
STU
I paid the hospital cash. No records. You were never there.
She jerks like he slapped her.
STU
I’m sorry you can’t just go home.
EVELYN
He should be exterminated.
STU
You mean jailed. For the accident.
She points at a photo of a burning Iraqi hospital.
EVELYN
It was no accident. ‘Exterminated’ for the wet work you do for him.
Stu squirms. How does she know?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Dimitri Davis.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Key Business Decisions

What I learned doing this assignment is writing the script is only the beginning and the business decisions will heavily impact details in the script.

1. Give us the decisions that are in your current High Budget script:

Genre – Thriller One Hour TV Pilot

Title – Asteroid Express

Concept – A scientist’s mission to find life forms on Mars is sabotaged by her ex-husband, a NASA engineer who must launch a Moon mission or his cousin the delusional President won’t be reelected.

Audience – Females and males above 25.

Budget – 5 to 10 million.

Lead Characters – Kate is a brilliant scientist who spends too much time in the lab and doesn’t pay enough attention to her young, clairvoyant daughter. Warren, her ex-husband, is an ambitious conniver who wants his cousin the delusional President to appoint him Space Force Commander.

Journey / Character Arc – Kate who knows she’s not a good mother matures into a parent who fights her ex-husband to save her daughter from his abuse.

Opening / Ending – Night before the first human Mars mission, a mysterious asteroid strikes and destroys the capsule the crew would launch in. At the end, a new spaceship launches the crew. An anomaly occurs. The crew’s capsule is jettisoned and plunges into sea.

Decisions to be improved are the Title and Budget.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s LinkedIn Profile is Amazing!

What I loved about this assignment is it’s very satisfying to bring my Linkedin page up to date.

This is my updated Linkedin page:

Experience

· Developing Thriller TV Pilot ASTEROID EXPRESS, which placed as a finalist in a screenwriting competition

Writers Guild Veterans Screenplay Writing Program

Jet Propulsion Laboratory Full-time

Analyst, Technical
Editor/Writer

ScreenwritingU ProSeries Screenwriting
Program

Writers Guild program
mentors veterans to write screenplays

ScreenwritingU Binge Worthy TV Writers
Program

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Credibility is Going Up!

What I learned doing this assignment is it’s an excellent way to build my creds.

In the next 30 days, I shall be querying producers and outlining my next TV pilot.

I have also brought my Linked in page up to date to improve my creds.

· One hour thriller TV pilot ASTEROID EXPRESS is a Finalist in a screenplay competition.

· Eight producers are in my network.

· ScreenwritingU classes including the ProSeries and Binge Writing TV Writing;
Writers Guild program mentoring veterans to write screenplays.

· Produced, wrote and directed commercials and infomercials at Lori Productions.

[Tom Wilson]

Yes, I agree to all of the above.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Projects and Insights

My concept, CATHARSIS, and finished script, ASTEROID EXPRESS are one-hour thriller TV Pilots. Both have a budget range of $1 – $5 million.

The opening teleconference was an eye-opener. I found the idea that writing the script the way the producer wants it is paramount. The produced film is my credibility enabling me to get more work and launch my writing assignment career.

Catharsis – Thriller TV Pilot – My Idea for a New Show

SUMMARY: Scientist Mark and engineer George work on a project to develop the most efficient energy source and win them the X Prize. They can’t wait to be the next Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos. They also compete to win the affections of a young woman who may beat them at their energy sourcing game.

CHARACTERS: Scientist Mark wants to develop more efficient solar energy. Engineer George wants to prove wind is a better energy source than solar.

SYNOPSIS: A scientist and engineer fight to win a government contract to produce cheap energy. They’re thrown off balance by a young woman leaps ahead of them.

COMPS – A mashup of GRAVITY and THE GREAT RACE.

The Asteroid Express – Thriller TV Pilot Script

SUMMARY: Scientist Kate is set to launch on a mission to Mars to discover if life forms there is the origin of life on Earth. Her ex-husband and NASA boss secretly sabotages her mission and forces her to mine scarce precious metals on the Moon so his aerospace pals will make mega profits. Caught in between is their 13-year-old, clairvoyant daughter who senses Dad wants her Mom to make a one-way trip to the Moon so he can get custody of Clare and abuse her.

CHARACTERS: Scientist Mark wants to develop more efficient solar energy. Engineer George wants to prove wind is a better energy source than solar.

SYNOPSIS: A scientist and engineer fight to win a government contract to produce cheap energy. They’re thrown off balance by a young woman leaps ahead of them.

COMPS – A mashup of CAPRICORN ONE and INTERSTELLAR.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom Wilson here. I’ve written 3 screenplays, was in ProSeries40, and in the Writers Guild program in which professional screenwriters mentor veterans to write screenplays. I’m a retired technical writer/editor at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory where I was the scribe on Team X which designed dozens of missions like the one now flying a helicopter on Mars. I write thrillers about families set against a science/space background. Excited to do this course.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Marie:

I’m finishing the Framework for my Thriller.

Please send a copy of yours to wilsontomj@gmail.com.

I’ll return mine to you.

Thanks!,
Tom

[Tom Wilson]

Assignment 1: Tom’s Plot and Character Layers

Doing this assignment, I learned the difference between Plot and Character Layers.

· Here are Layers I discovered in my Example Show “24” (2001) TV Pilot

· Nina tells husband Jack, “We shouldn’t have,” referring to Jack’s extra-marital affair with her.

· Jack’s daughter Kim sneaks out of the house so she and her friend go on a blind date with older men.

· Division Director George Mason embezzled $200K from a CIA fund.

· Jack’s boss Richard Walsh trusts only him to prevent Presidential candidate Palmer from being assassinated.

· Daniel kidnaps Kim who believes she’s going on a blind date.

· Ira kills Daniel because he lied when he said Kim’s friend, Jamey was dead.

· Jack’s boss George Mason is killed because he discovered the plot to assassinate Palmer.

Assignment 2: Tom’s Plot and Character Layers

Discover the layers that could exist in my new TV Pilot, “BORDER TOWN”

Genre =
Thriller

Concept =
A Navy officer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican cartel chief who agrees to return his family when the officer hands over a top secret missile.

PLOT LAYERS – Story beneath the story.

Plot Surface: Marty’s daughter was going on vacation, instead she and her mother were kidnapped.

Layer 1: The officer recruits three Navy men to help him rescue his wife and daughter.

Layer 2: Marty must trade a missile to the cartel chief if he’s to get back his kidnapped wife and daughter.

Layer 3: Mystery revealed – Marty’s wife and child were kidnapped to stop Jack from protecting Palmer.

Layer 4: Story appears to be about kidnapping. It’s really to force Jack to not protect Palmer.

Layer 5: Major shift in Meaning – Marty can’t report his wife and daughter missing because he will found to be a non-US citizen.

Layer 6: Hidden history – Navy computer whiz Alan is secretly the cartel leader’s nephew.

CHARACTER LAYERS – Identity beneath the identity.

Layer 1: Secret identity – Because Marty lied about being a U.S. citizen, he could be dishonorably discharged.

Layer 2: Character intrigue – Navy computer whiz Alan secretly spies on Marty for the Mexican cartel.

Layer 3: Hidden relationships and conspiracies – Marty’s wife had a secret liaison with the cartel chief.

Layer 4: Hidden Character history – Navy chief Dixon secretly sells Navy equipment to cartel thugs.

Layer 5: Major shift in Meaning – Marty can’t report his wife and daughter missing because he will found to not be a US citizen.

Layer 6: Hidden history – Navy computer whiz Alan is secretly the cartel leader’s nephew.

TW: I’m writing a TV Series that is [Format/Genre] about [Concept] with [Lead Characters]. Please generate [Plot Layers] and [Character Layers] that could play beneath the surface and revealed in Turning Points or Cliffhangers.

Definition of Layer = A new level of meaning beneath the surface that changes things. It makes us rethink what has happened up to that point and/or causes us to anticipate a new future. You start with a Surface Layer. Then a new layer is revealed. That new layer becomes the new surface. It is what we know as “reality.” When the next layer is revealed, it surprises us, but soon becomes the next new surface.

Genre =
Thriller

Concept =
A Navy officer’s wife and daughter are kidnapped by a Mexican cartel chief who agrees to return his family when the officer, who develops high tech weapons, hands over a top secret missile.

Lead Characters =
Marty – Navy officer, a high tech weapons developer at a Navy base whom cartel chief Carlos kidnaps his wife and young daughter and will return them if Marty gives him a missile he will use to kill his rival.

Bridget – Marty’s wife, and ex-CIA agent, who had a secret affair with Carlos.

Carlos – cartel chief who competes with a warring cartel for the drug trade in Mexico.

Alan – Navy computer whiz, hates secretly spying on Marty for his uncle Carlos, loves his work for Marty.

Claude: Here are some possible plot and character layers:

Plot Layers

Surface: Carlos kidnaps Marty’s family to get a missile

Layer 1: Carlos’ rival has a mole in Carlos’ cartel feeding intel

Layer 2: The government is secretly allowing the cartels to fight to have a single cartel to control

Character Layers

Bridget

Surface: Loyal wife and mother

Layer 1: Had past affair with Carlos but claims she was undercover for CIA

Layer 2: She’s still working with CIA to take down Carlos’ cartel

Alan

Surface: Brilliant but reluctant cartel spy

Layer 1: He leaked intel to Carlos to pay gambling debts

Layer 2: He’s actually Carlos’ son from an affair long ago

Let me know if you would like me to modify or add any additional plot or character layers! I can keep brainstorming ideas.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Mark: Please email me your PDF and I will reply with mine. wilsontomj@gmaii.com

[Tom Wilson]

I have a Drama and would like to partner up. Send me a PDF of your synopsis and I will reply with mine. wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Diana:

I enjoyed reading this sample of your “Saving Keylan Millar” six-episode mini-series. It’s an excellent pilot.

Action races non-stop. Fast moving. Character voices are distinctive. Easy to see how it all takes place. All the action serves the genre well. Plenty of frustration, anger, distrust and fear keeps us all on the edge of our seats.

An intriguing cliffhanger could generate enough buzz to build a larger audience culminating in a fascinating cliffhanger at the end of the first season. What “Who shot JR?” did for DALLAS: Sufficient buzz that demands a next season.

Writing quality is excellent. Character feelings for each other is outstanding.

If you covered the below items earlier in the episode. please ignore them:

· Does Victor die from his burns or something else?

· Why are Ange, Victor and Keylan so emotional.

· Show rather than tell about them pulling back to collapse zone.

· What happened to Keylan’s arm?

· Why does Reese say, “You gotta be kidding?”

· Why does Keylan have a picture of Victor and his dead wife?

· Are they LA city or county firemen? I worked in Vernon. It has its own fire department. They could be LA city firemen going to an LA city fire.

· A period at the end of a quote comes before the quote mark. Like this: “Wayne went home.” Or, “You gotta be kidding?”

Thank you for letting me read this.

Regards,
Tom

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Diana:

Yes, let’s exchange. I will read yours and look forward to your help with mine.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Meg:

Let’s exchange Dramas.

Please let me know if you’d like to.

wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, George:

Would you like to exchange samples. Please let me know. wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Jeffrey: Let’s exchange Thrillers. Send yours to me at wilsontomj@gmail.com.

[Tom Wilson]

HI, Jennifer:

I have a Thriller. Let’s exchange. Send yours to wilsontomj@gmail.com.

[Tom Wilson]

I look forward to reading it. I will send you mine as soon as I get home.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Ian:

Can we exchange outlines? I would appreciate feedback on my Drama – Thriller.

Please send your outline to me.

I will reply with a copy of mine.

I look forward to seeing your outline!,
Tom, wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Tracy:

Can we exchange outlines? I would appreciate feedback on my Drama – Thriller.

Please send your outline to me.

I will reply with a copy of mine.

I look forward to seeing your outline!,
Tom, wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

Good premise for a spy thriller.

[Tom Wilson]

HI, Edward:

(Thanks for your detailed notes. I know I need more Version drafts.)

I like your premise. A kill club with rules. It’s structured well.

All the characters seem different and interesting.

To select the killer and victim, perhaps they could roll dice or predict random numbers.

You might dramatize and build the goriness till it’s over-the-top when the flywheel grinds up Susie.

Susie ground up might be built to a better climax than James getting run over by the snow groomer.

Remember FARGO when the body went into the wood chipper and red flecks land on the snow?

There could be some hints as to why these people are willing to kill or be killed by strangers on a ski trip. (Maybe you covered that and I missed it.)

Thank you again,
Tom

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Gregg. If it’s not too late, let me know if you would like to exchange feedback.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Micah. If it’s not too late, let me know if you would like to exchange feedback.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Ed. If it’s not too late, let me know if you would like to exchange feedback.

[Tom Wilson]

Critique of Carolyn Bliesener SCENE QE CYCLE #5 FIRST DRAFT

Essence: Lying can get you killed.

Logline: A couple take a drive along a treacherous mountain road that leads to a showdown.

EXT. MANSION – DAY

A young couple leave the mansion and dash to a parked car in the pouring rain.

INT. CAR – DAY

PHILLIP, 28, handsome and upper crust, sits behind the wheel.

BRANDY, 25, super cute, but nowhere near Phillip’s caliber, sits in the passenger seat.

PHILLIP

This is crazy. Yesterday you told me you’re pregnant and today you want to sample wedding cakes. Anticipatory dialogue

BRANDY

(Laughs as she ruffles his wet hair)

I know, right? But it’s not really crazy, is it? I mean we’ve been together for over a month now.

Phillip politely brushes her hand away from his head and holds it as he looks at her.

PHILLIP

No, we haven’t. Been together. And who said we were getting married?
Uncomfortable moment

Through a window an elegant-looking older woman stares at the car, a scowl on her face. Abruptly, she closes the curtains. Intrigue

BRANDY

She hates me living here with you…

PHILLIP

It’s her house. She feels put upon.

BRANDY

But I’m going to be her daughter-in-law!

Phillip lets her hand go and shakes his head. He starts the car.

BRANDY

She’ll come to love me! Just like you did. You do love me, don’t you?

Phillip sighs. He puts on his left blinker and turns.

BRANDY

(pause)

Why are you making a left? The bakery is the other way. Suspense

PHILLIP

I’m sure this is the right way. Intrigue

BRANDY

Only if you’re going over the mountain. Is that such a good idea in this rain? I mean, knowing what you’ve been through before on this road… Twist

Phillip keeps checking his rearview mirror. Brandy notices. She glances behind them, but no one is there. Mystery

PHILLIP

Brandy, I don’t mind helping you out, but you’ve been living at my house since my birthday party a month ago. Uncertainty

BRANDY

I thought you wanted me here! Misinterpretation

PHILLIP

Honestly, I’ve been too polite to ask you to leave! Surprise

BRANDY

Well, it’s too late now, what with the baby and all. Twist

PHILLIP

We never slept together.

BRANDY
You don’t remember waking up naked next to me?

PHILLIP

That happened one time! And I don’t remember us –

(waves his hand back and forth between them)

Together! It’s impossible. Uncertainty

BRANDY

We were. And we could be again if only your mother didn’t keep me locked away from you every night. Surprise

PHILLIP

The guesthouse naturally has a different key from the main house.

Brandy shrugs, looks happily at her phone.

BRANDY

Let me tell you the flavors I picked to sample…red velvet, coconut and lime, pink champagne, carrot –

PHILLIP

I hate carrot.

BRANDY

Oh darn. I love carrot! Let’s go big and have two cakes!

Phillip frowns.

PHILLIP

Brandy, I think you’re super nice, a lot of fun, great laughs, but we barely know each other…

Brandy begins to cry.

PHILLIP
Please don’t cry. Don’t you have anywhere to go?

BRANDY
Are you breaking up with me?

PHILLIP

What about your parents?

BRANDY

They’re probably sailing in the Mediterranean. And my brother is on tour, the violinist. My other brother is studying penguins in the Antarctic.

Phillip looks at her oddly. She bursts out laughing.

BRANDY (CONT)

No. I have not heard from them.

(looks at phone)

I’m thinking a three-tiered cake with a bride and groom on top. I love those.

The road turns mountainous. The rain gets heavier. Phillip goes too fast around a curve. Brandy looks up as a truck passes and nearly hits them. Brandy screams. Surprise

BRANDY (CONT)
Phillip! Jesus! That was close.

Phillip begins to shake and sweat visibly pours from his forehead.

PHILLIP

I need to find a pull out. I can’t see the road! Brandy! Help me! Suspense

BRANDY

Take your foot off the gas!

(covers his hand on the steering wheel with hers)

You’re having a panic attack. Breathe. In and out through your nose.

Brandy takes a few deep breaths and Phillip follows. He begins to relax.

BRANDY

Good. Go slow, ride it out. Driving in the rain is a trigger for you. You’re having a physical reaction to a memory, that’s all.

Phillip regains his composure as the rain suddenly lets up. He looks over at Brandy with gratitude.

PHILLIP

Thanks. All I could think about was her…final moments…I feel such… Mystery

His voice catches. He can’t get it out.

Brandy puts her hand on his shoulder. Phillip sheds a few tears. Brandy wipes one away.

BRANDY

It wasn’t your fault. It was an accident. Mystery

They drive in silence for a moment. The rain completely stops and the sun comes out.

Phillip perks up. He smiles at Brandy.

PHILLIP

You know what? I do like carrot cake. The first pull out I see we are turning around. Intrigue

A POLICE SIREN

Phillip looks in his rearview mirror.

PHILLIP

Oh, shit. I forgot.

He steps on the accelerator.

BRANDY

What are you doing? Phillip! Stop!

Phillip ignores her, swerving around the curves, driving recklessly away from the cop who is now in hot pursuit. Surprise

BRANDY (CONT)

(points to the side of a cliff)

Pull over!

Phillip keeps going.

BRANDY

Please God, let me live to become Mrs. Phillip Wurst the 3rd, the sausage prince of America!

Phillip reacts with surprise. He takes his foot off the gas pedal.

Brandy smiles. She sighs deeply. She doesn’t see Phillip scowling. Mystery

Phillip takes the next pull over and the police car follows.

EXT. CAR – DAY

OFFICER FRANK, 30 and chiseled, walks to the driver’s side, his gun out.

Phillip grins, his hands on the wheel.

PHILLIP

Really darling, do you think that is necessary? Surprise

The Cop looks at Phillip and smirks. Brandy gets out of the car. Officer Frank immediately points the gun at her.

OFFICER FRANK

Freeze!

Brandy ignores him and continues to walk around the car to the driver’s side.

BRANDY

(points at Phillip)

Do you know who he is?

OFFICER FRANK

I said, freeze!

Brandy continues to walk toward him, causing Officer Frank to step back. Phillip makes funny faces behind Brandy’s back that only Officer Frank can see. Intrigue

BRANDY

He is Phillip Wurst, the sausage prince of America! Heir to Wurst Pork Industries! And I’m his fiancée!

OFFICER FRANK

Shut up! Put your hands in the air! Suspense

BRANDY

The Wursts own this town and the police in it! Don’t mess with us or you’ll be busted to street patrol or a desk job, whatever you hate the most.

The Officer Frank grabs Brandy by the arm and whirls her around, pushing her onto the car.

BRANDY

Hey that hurts! Phillip, tell him to stop.

Officer Frank handcuffs her. Surprise

Phillip gets out of the car and walks over to her.

PHILLIP

My mother saw your pregnancy test in the garbage can. It was negative. Even if it was positive, I knew it wasn’t mine.

Phillip walks up to the Officer Frank and gives him a sloppy kiss. Surprise

PHILLIP

You see, we don’t play on the same team. Surprise

(to Frank)

Thank you, darling.

OFFICER FRANK

(enamored and wounded at the same time)

Why did you speed away from me? You could have been killed.

PHILLIP

(shrugs)

For a moment, I felt like cake.

Brandy tries to run away, but Phillip trips her and she lands face down in the mud.

PHILLIP

What to do?

He lifts her up easily to her feet.

PHILLIP

(looking out over the cliff at the expansive mountain view)

With you?

Phillip and Officer Frank begin to laugh. Demand

PHILLIP

That was no accident that killed my greedy little sister. Reveal

BRANDY

(gasps)

You?

PHILLIP

That’s right. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad about it. Just like I’ll feel bad about you from time to time. Anticipatory dialogue

OFFICER FRANK

Best to avoid this road from now on, baby.

PHILLIP

Good idea.

Phillip grabs Officer Frank’s revolver and points it at Brandy’s head. Surprise

PHILLIP

You think you can weasel your way into our filthy rich lives. Well, you’re wrong. Except the part about us owning the town and the police.

He cocks the gun and Brandy gasps, shutting her eyes to the inevitable about to unfold when suddenly –

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

Put the gun down, Phillip.

Phillip looks up to see his Mother standing there, pointing a gun at him. Cliffhanger

[Tom Wilson]

Below are my comments in italics to Carolyn Bliesener’s excellent QE #4 Second Draft for feedback exchange. The author hits all the character traits and interest techniques:

Logline: Maxine wants to bribe Renee in order to keep her quiet about her affair, but Renee wants more than Maxine is willing to give.

Essence: Juicy secrets are hard to keep.

RENEE Traits

– Prissy

– Devious

– Outgoing

– <s>Conformist</s> changed to jealousy

Subtext: Renee is devious. She believes she’s entitled to win at any cost.

MAXINE Traits

– Tricky

– Snobbish

– Paranoid

– Emotionally Wounded

Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.

Trait Carolyn changed: Renee – conformist to jealousy

INT. SITTING ROOM – DAY

Two attractive and well-put together women in their 40’s drink tea in front of a big picture window with an expansive view. They are MAXINE and RENEE. Through the window they don’t notice a tiny golf cart stop in the distance. A man steps out and walks toward them holding a golf club. Mystery. Intrigue

MAX –

Renee, I was delighted with your speech at the women’s auxiliary club last weekend. You would make an excellent emcee for the fashion Saturday show. Tricky

REN –

Oh that’s so kind of you to say, Maxine! I do love giving speeches and I suppose I always had a tiny craving for the limelight. But aren’t you the emcee for the fashion show? Hints at what she wants

MAX –

It’s a plum position, emcee of the Riverdale fashion show. I’ve held it for years. People say no one’s better with off-the-cuff fashion quips, you know that’s what they say. I’m getting bored with it. Perhaps it’s time to pass the baton. Tricky

REN –

Oh I can talk to anybody anywhere. Did you know that one afternoon I met the entire Ladies Iron and Wedge Club at Helmsted Golf Emporium over on route 8? Do you know it? Outgoing

MAX –

(makes a face)

Hardly. You don’t really go there do you? Whatever for? You have Riverdale! We’re the most exclusive club in the entire lower half of the state! Snobbish

REN –

(embarrassed)

‘Course not! Can you believe I got a flat tire just outside the place and asked for a cold iced tea which they did have and I got introduced to everyone! While sipping a delicious iced tea! Outgoing

Maxine smiles weakly.

MAX –

Did they at least use fresh lemon wedge? Snobbish

REN –

(laughs nervously, looks around)

You sure have a nice house, Maxine. (eyes a portrait of Maxine and her husband) Dale is a handsome man. I wish my husband took such good care of himself. I do indeed. Jealous

MAX –

Shall I email the details later today about the fashion show? Tricky

REN –

Oh that’s wonderful! I’d love it!

(suddenly gets serious) But that’s not all I want. Entitled to win. Character changes radically. Major Twist

MAX –

(caught off guard)

Pardon? Intrigue

REN –

(places the delicate tea cup on the table, leans toward Maxine and whispers)

Remember our little secret? Betrayal Plots to get what she wants.

Maxine grimaces. Emotionally Wounded.

REN (CONT) –

Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. For now. Devious

MAX-

(stands, looks down at Renee)

If you tell anyone what you saw – what you “think” you saw, I’ll be ruined. My children’s lives will be ruined. Riverdale will – oh, I can’t even think about it. Prediction. Emotionally wounded. Anticipatory dialogue. Creating a Future

Maxine throws herself dramatically onto a chaise lounge. Emotionally Wounded

MAX (CONT) –

And the house. What will happen to the house? Paranoid

REN –

Mm. Would be a shame to lose it all. But then again, I would never risk all of this. You have everything I ever wanted. Including a gorgeous husband. Devious

MAX –

I never would have. If he hadn’t cheated on me first!

(breaks into tears)

How could he? Betrayal – Emotionally Wounded

REN –

The thing is. I hate bugs. I hate dirt. I hate plants. Yet someone put me on the garden and grounds committee. Prissy

Maxine blows her nose.

REN (CONT) –

I’m more of an indoor gal… I want the Christmas committee. Even co-chair of the holiday party this year. Entitled to win at any cost

MAX –

I co-chair the holiday party with my sister. One of us would have to step aside! Emotionally wounded

Renee spots the man with the golf club approaching. It’s DALE. Her eyes grow big. Mystery

REN –

You know Germaine, the cashier in the pro shop?

MAX –

The one who always has the tiny golf pencils behind her ears? Gross. Snobbish

REN –

(talks rapidly while watching Dale get closer and closer)

We were talking and your young hunk Lars walks in and I must have let it slip about seeing you both in the pool house because I was talking about the lack of towels in there and I turned to Lars and said, remember when I found you and Maxine in the pool house half-naked? Because I walked in looking for towels and there weren’t any?

Renee looks beyond Maxine, smiles and gives a tiny wave. Maxine turns and sees Dale outside the window, the golf club in his hand. Devious

DALE

(shouts through the glass)

You cheated on me with the fucking golf pro? Betrayal. Uncomfortable Moment

Maxine, aghast, tries to speak and fails. Emotionally wounded

Renee sips her tea, covering her smirk, her pinky finger in the air.

RENEE

Course, I can always lie and say I was with you and Lars the whole time! What, we were all half naked with just our swimsuits on. It’s a simple misunderstanding. All you have to do is make me co-chair of the holiday party. Devious

DALE –

Maxine! Answer me! Uncertainty. Anticipatory dialogue

MAX –

(to Renee)

Maybe you’re better suited at the Helmsted Golf Emporium than up here with us at Riverdale. I am on the membership review committee, you know.

Dale swings the club and SMASHES the window. Shrieking and flailing her arms, Renee runs. Prissy Maxine goes in the opposite direction and they meet behind the couch, crouching in fear.

Maxine and Renee look at one another.

MAX –

Well? What’ll it be? Dilemma

REN –

You tell me. Cliffhanger

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Anna

Please critique my UPDATED story near the bottom of this page.

Send your latest in a PDF to me at wilsontomj@gmail.com and I’ll critique it.

Many thanks, Tom Wilson

[Tom Wilson]

Malcolm, your comedy thriller is fast moving. Conflicts are easy to follow. Not sure how bank scene and dance competition connect. They don’t have to. A catchy title will really spark it. Look forward to where your interesting story will go.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Malcolm:

Mine’s posted above your note. Please critique it.

Where can I find yours? You may send me a PDF of it.

Tom, wilsontomj@gmail.com

[Tom Wilson]

It’s a wonderful, fast paced read. MEN IN BLACK springs to mind. Outrageous goings on.

I look forward to see and hear what happens next.

[Tom Wilson]

Suggested setup:

Note to Sample Reader: Previous to these 10 pages, during a dinner meeting at an expensive restaurant, successful businesswoman Avery Stone, 30, wined, dined and won over a new client—her biggest ever. But the day wasn’t perfect. Her boyfriend Chase purchased an expensive item which she broke accidently . She also cost her waiter, James, a struggling divorcee and father of two, his job because he spilled her drink. Next day, she enters her office expecting to be named company CEO.

Writing quality is good. I suggest you shorten the descriptions to streamline the read, i.e.:

Avery bites a bacon strip in the takeout and throws it back in the bag.

Shorten dialogue for snappier exchanges, i.e.:

James
Yeah. At a crappy diner. Six bucks an hour.
Can’t pay the rent on that. Everyone doesn’t
drop forty grand on a bottle of wine.

Continue improving it with more drafts. Your sample definitely delivers on the genre.

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 4 years ago by  Tom Wilson.

[Tom Wilson]

Hi, Jodi

Would you like to exchange 10 pagers for the part 2 of our lesson?

Let me know. I’m at wilsontomj@gmail.com