Yannis Zafeiriou
Forum Replies Created
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NB. I messed up and watched the video critique before I rewrote the scene with the changed trait. I deleted draft 1 and posted draft 2 in lesson 17, so I’m just including it here again. As always, please let me know if you want to exchange critiques. Thank you!
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Lesson 17: QE4, Draft 2 (All my previous scenes have been exercises in genre. The first one was comedy, the second horror, the 3rd SciFi, and for this 4th one, I chose soap opera). I think I ended up using about 17 interest techniques, though I really tried to use all of them.
Situation: RENEE promises MAXINE that she kept the secret, but really didn’t.
Scene Arc: From: THE PROMISE CONFIRMED To: MAXINE DISCOVERING THE SECRET IS OUT
Logline: MAXINE has intel on a party with lots of food and comes up with a plot to get it, with the help of her lover, RENEE. However they come across severe and life-threatening competition.
Essence: MAXINE realizes she has to make a tough choice.
Trait I changed: Maxine: From Snobbish to Protective.
Maxine: Tricky, Protective, Paranoid, Emotionally Wounded.
Subtext: MAXINE is a tricky racoon who plots to get what she wants.
Renne: Prissy, Devious, Outgoing, Conformist.
Subtext: RENEE is a devious raccoon who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
Scene:
EXT. BOUGIE PRESCHOOL – NIGHT
From the inside of a storm drain, two eyes are trained on the BOUGIE EASTSIDE PRESCHOOL. This is MAXINE (a mature female raccoon.) The black mask around her eyes is flecked with dirt and her rough, muscular hands betray years of fighting and providing.
She watches, unblinking as a human woman locks the front door, dumps two large TRASHBAGS in the trash bins, gets in her car and drives away.
Maxine hears a sound and turns to see who approaches.
MAXINE I was beginning to worry about you.
Maxine is joined by RENEE (another female raccoon.) Renee is younger and smaller than Maxine, and looks somewhat gentler. Her coat is lustrous and flecked with rich dark brown. Her hands look like she’s never worked a single day in her life.
RENEE The ambulances. They give me migraines.
MAXINE Well, everyone’s gone. You’re safe.
Renee shows off her freshly manicured hands. Maxine holds her hands softly.
MAXINE So soft! No-one saw you? Right?
RENEE Yes. And I told nobody at the salon, like you asked.
MAXINE You swear?
Renee lets go of Maxine.
RENEE On the mighty Azeban.
Renee secretly crosses her fingers behind her back when she swears.
RENEE It is quite dirty in here, love bug.
MAXINE This place has the best food you’ve ever scraped off the bottom of a trash can. Spring rolls, ribs, lasagna… A feast fit for my queen.
RENEE Oh Maxxy, you spoil me.
MAXINE I’m gonna smother you in vegan non-dairy whipped topping–
RENEE Shouldn’t we share it with the others? Take care of them?
MAXINE Like they took care of me when my family’s home was burned down?! No. This is just for you, the only one who stood by me.
With a dramatic flourish, Renee faints. Maxine drops down beside her.
MAXINE My love, Renee, what happened? You’re not… pregnant again, are you?
Renee quickly recovers.
RENEE How could I be? You know you’re the the only sow in Atwater Village who has my heart. (beat) It must just be… a brain tumor.
Maxine holds her closer.
MAXINE Say it isn’t so! Is that why you were with your doctor and ex-lover, Dr. Derek Procyon, today in the park?
RENEE You FOLLOWED me? How could you?
MAXINE I’m sorry, Renee. I have trust issues. You would too, if you were raised by my mother, the great Angelica Coon.
RENEE It was nothing. I saw Derek at the gala for the Raccoon-Rabbit Alliance last month–
MAXINE So then it’s true? You’re sleeping with the good doctor, you must be.
RENEE Of course not. I would NEVER. He smells like… well, like the inside of this sewer.
MAXINE My mother, the great Angelica Coon, said you were a filthy lying bitch. But I didn’t want to believe it.
RENEE Oh my darling. I can’t keep lying to you. The truth always has a way of coming out. I admit it. It’s Derek’s.
Renee gently caresses her own tummy.
RENEE And it’s twins.
MAXINE You promised me that was all in the past for you!
RENEE It’s what is expected of me, for the good of the Nursery!
MAXINE Then I suppose I’m the one with bad news. Derek’s paternity test came in today. Harlan is his father. Which means…
RENEE Derek is my… (beat) half brother?
Renee is visibly shocked and devastated. But somehow regains her composure. She turns her back on Maxine.
RENEE How did you see the paternity test? It was supposed to be delivered only to me.
MAXINE I forged your signature.
Renee turns to face Maxine.
RENEE You controlling bitch.
Maxine turns around and climbs out of the storm drain.
She heads for the trash cans, then stops and turns back to Renee.
MAXINE You know, I always hated cliches. But the popular girl just broke my heart.
With her back turned to the trash, Maxine misses the multiple shadows that approach the trash bins. Renee doesn’t.
RENEE Maxine! Wait!
Maxine still has no idea what she walks into.
MAXINE I said what I said. And if my mother, the great Angelica Coon has taught me anything, it’s to always have the last word. Good day to you, Renee. Karma’s a bigger bitch than me and you combined.
Maxine finally turns around at the sound of growling. FIVE COYOTES have snuck between her and the trash.
Oh crap. The coyotes surround her. She turns to Renee.
MAXINE You swore! On the mighty Azeban! And you betrayed me… to them?
RENEE I would never betray you to…
Renee turns up her nose at the very thought of it.
RENEE The Cartel.
Maxine slaps Renee with all the force of her mother, the great Angelica Coon. Renee blanches. The coyotes howl.
MAXINE I will never forgive you for what you’ve done.
The biggest, most mangy coyote, JOSHUA, approaches Renee. He licks his lips.
JOSHUA You ladies are looking good enough to eat.
Renee slaps Joshua with all the force of Maxine’s mother, the great Angelica Coon.
Joshua wipes a trickle of blood off the corner of his mouth and laughs. He turns to his fellow coyotes.
JOSHUA Ho Ho, boys. You know I love my meat… tough.
He ventures closer to Renee and Maxine, they both back away.
RENEE (to Maxine) I told you I am not working with The Cartel.
Maxine steps in front of Renee.
MAXINE Get behind me, Renee.
Renee cowers behind Maxine. Joshua and the rest of the coyotes advance on them.
DEREK (O.S.) Back away, Joshua.
The coyotes are surrounded by a nursery of additional raccoons.
JOSHUA Well, well, well… If it isn’t Derek Procyon!
DEREK It’s Dr. Derek Procyon.
JOSHUA Haven’t seen you since the dumpster heist went bad and you left me holding the bag when you ran off to medical school.
Derek steps in front of Renee. Maxine hisses at him.
DEREK That’s my baby in there.
RENEE It’s twins, Derek! Just like you and your evil twin brother, the crooked foreman, Evan Procyon!
Derek doesn’t break eye-contact with Joshua.
DEREK Twins do run in my family, but that wouldn’t have anything to do with you.
RENEE Except that we are family, Derek. Harlan is your father!
Derek turns to face her.
DEREK No. I never knew my father.
Maxine steps in between Derek and Renee.
MAXINE Except you knew him all along. He wasn’t just your father, he was the Captain of Black Mask Industries, the fastest-growing eye-mask conglomerate in the world, headquartered here in Atwater Village.
Joshua is shocked at this revelation. HARLAN steps forward.
HARLAN And I’ll be damned if a bunch of degenerate thugs threaten the lives of my grandchildren.
Harlan gestures to Derek and the rest of the raccoons.
They all hiss and snarl at the outnumbered coyotes, who make a hasty retreat.
HARLAN You will pay for what you have done to this family, Joshua!
Joshua turns back in retaliation and raises his fist.
JOSHUA I will destroy Black Mask Industries!
He scurries away. They all do, chased by the rest of the nursery.
Derek stays back and looks on, as Maxine takes Renee’s hand.
MAXINE I’m sorry for accusing you of betrayal, it’s just. My mother–
DEREK The great Angelica Coon–
MAXINE The great Angelica Coon. I should have trusted you.
RENEE All is forgiven.
Maxine sniffs towards Derek. She levels her eyes at Renee.
MAXINE I just have one question… How did he know where to fins us?
Renee looks to Derek conspiratorially.
MAXINE I knew it. You didn’t sell me out to The Cartel. You sold me out to your new lover. You look like a possum and smell like a skunk, you trash-eating, brother-loving whore!
Maxine slaps Renee with the force of her mother, the great Angelica Coon.
Renee slaps her right back. The great Angelica Coon would be so proud.
RENEE I could not just stand there and watch you steal this glorious food from our community. Shame on you. The Nursery provides for all members of the Nursery.
MAXINE What are you saying?
RENEE For once in your life, stop blaming everything on your mother, the great Angelica Coon. I don’t love Derek, I only mated with him for the good of The Nursery.
Derek looks genuinely hurt at this.
RENEE I love YOU. Make a choice, Maxine: An all-you-can-eat buffet, or me?
Maxine looks to the heavens for an answer.
In the night sky, backlit from the light of the full moon, an imposing, yet elegant apparition smiles down at Maxine.
It is the spirit of her mother, the great Angelica Coon (if Joan Collins were a raccoon.)
Maxine looks at the trash, then she looks at Renee.
Then she looks at the spirit of her mother again, the great Angelica Coon.
MAXINE I know what I must do.
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Lesson 17: QE4, Draft 2 (All my previous scenes have been exercises in genre. The first one was comedy, the second horror, the 3rd SciFi, and for this 4th one, I chose soap opera). I think I ended up using about 17 interest techniques, though I really tried to use all of them.
Situation: RENEE promises MAXINE that she kept the secret, but really didn’t.
Scene Arc: From: THE PROMISE CONFIRMED To: MAXINE DISCOVERING THE SECRET IS OUT
Logline: MAXINE has intel on a party with lots of food and comes up with a plot to get it, with the help of her lover, RENEE. However they come across severe and life-threatening competition.
Essence: MAXINE realizes she has to make a tough choice.
Trait I changed: Maxine: From Snobbish to Protective.
Maxine: Tricky, Protective, Paranoid, Emotionally Wounded.
Subtext: MAXINE is a tricky racoon who plots to get what she wants.
Renne: Prissy, Devious, Outgoing, Conformist.
Subtext: RENEE is a devious raccoon who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
Scene:
EXT. BOUGIE PRESCHOOL – NIGHT
From the inside of a storm drain, two eyes are trained on the BOUGIE EASTSIDE PRESCHOOL. This is MAXINE (a mature female raccoon.) The black mask around her eyes is flecked with dirt and her rough, muscular hands betray years of fighting and providing.
She watches, unblinking as a human woman locks the front door, dumps two large TRASHBAGS in the trash bins, gets in her car and drives away.
Maxine hears a sound and turns to see who approaches.
MAXINE I was beginning to worry about you.
Maxine is joined by RENEE (another female raccoon.) Renee is younger and smaller than Maxine, and looks somewhat gentler. Her coat is lustrous and flecked with rich dark brown. Her hands look like she’s never worked a single day in her life.
RENEE The ambulances. They give me migraines.
MAXINE Well, everyone’s gone. You’re safe.
Renee shows off her freshly manicured hands. Maxine holds her hands softly.
MAXINE So soft! No-one saw you? Right?
RENEE Yes. And I told nobody at the salon, like you asked.
MAXINE You swear?
Renee lets go of Maxine.
RENEE On the mighty Azeban.
Renee secretly crosses her fingers behind her back when she swears.
RENEE It is quite dirty in here, love bug.
MAXINE This place has the best food you’ve ever scraped off the bottom of a trash can. Spring rolls, ribs, lasagna… A feast fit for my queen.
RENEE Oh Maxxy, you spoil me.
MAXINE I’m gonna smother you in vegan non-dairy whipped topping–
RENEE Shouldn’t we share it with the others? Take care of them?
MAXINE Like they took care of me when my family’s home was burned down?! No. This is just for you, the only one who stood by me.
With a dramatic flourish, Renee faints. Maxine drops down beside her.
MAXINE My love, Renee, what happened? You’re not… pregnant again, are you?
Renee quickly recovers.
RENEE How could I be? You know you’re the the only sow in Atwater Village who has my heart. (beat) It must just be… a brain tumor.
Maxine holds her closer.
MAXINE Say it isn’t so! Is that why you were with your doctor and ex-lover, Dr. Derek Procyon, today in the park?
RENEE You FOLLOWED me? How could you?
MAXINE I’m sorry, Renee. I have trust issues. You would too, if you were raised by my mother, the great Angelica Coon.
RENEE It was nothing. I saw Derek at the gala for the Raccoon-Rabbit Alliance last month–
MAXINE So then it’s true? You’re sleeping with the good doctor, you must be.
RENEE Of course not. I would NEVER. He smells like… well, like the inside of this sewer.
MAXINE My mother, the great Angelica Coon, said you were a filthy lying bitch. But I didn’t want to believe it.
RENEE Oh my darling. I can’t keep lying to you. The truth always has a way of coming out. I admit it. It’s Derek’s.
Renee gently caresses her own tummy.
RENEE And it’s twins.
MAXINE You promised me that was all in the past for you!
RENEE It’s what is expected of me, for the good of the Nursery!
MAXINE Then I suppose I’m the one with bad news. Derek’s paternity test came in today. Harlan is his father. Which means…
RENEE Derek is my… (beat) half brother?
Renee is visibly shocked and devastated. But somehow regains her composure. She turns her back on Maxine.
RENEE How did you see the paternity test? It was supposed to be delivered only to me.
MAXINE I forged your signature.
Renee turns to face Maxine.
RENEE You controlling bitch.
Maxine turns around and climbs out of the storm drain.
She heads for the trash cans, then stops and turns back to Renee.
MAXINE You know, I always hated cliches. But the popular girl just broke my heart.
With her back turned to the trash, Maxine misses the multiple shadows that approach the trash bins. Renee doesn’t.
RENEE Maxine! Wait!
Maxine still has no idea what she walks into.
MAXINE I said what I said. And if my mother, the great Angelica Coon has taught me anything, it’s to always have the last word. Good day to you, Renee. Karma’s a bigger bitch than me and you combined.
Maxine finally turns around at the sound of growling. FIVE COYOTES have snuck between her and the trash.
Oh crap. The coyotes surround her. She turns to Renee.
MAXINE You swore! On the mighty Azeban! And you betrayed me… to them?
RENEE I would never betray you to…
Renee turns up her nose at the very thought of it.
RENEE The Cartel.
Maxine slaps Renee with all the force of her mother, the great Angelica Coon. Renee blanches. The coyotes howl.
MAXINE I will never forgive you for what you’ve done.
The biggest, most mangy coyote, JOSHUA, approaches Renee. He licks his lips.
JOSHUA You ladies are looking good enough to eat.
Renee slaps Joshua with all the force of Maxine’s mother, the great Angelica Coon.
Joshua wipes a trickle of blood off the corner of his mouth and laughs. He turns to his fellow coyotes.
JOSHUA Ho Ho, boys. You know I love my meat… tough.
He ventures closer to Renee and Maxine, they both back away.
RENEE (to Maxine) I told you I am not working with The Cartel.
Maxine steps in front of Renee.
MAXINE Get behind me, Renee.
Renee cowers behind Maxine. Joshua and the rest of the coyotes advance on them.
DEREK (O.S.) Back away, Joshua.
The coyotes are surrounded by a nursery of additional raccoons.
JOSHUA Well, well, well… If it isn’t Derek Procyon!
DEREK It’s Dr. Derek Procyon.
JOSHUA Haven’t seen you since the dumpster heist went bad and you left me holding the bag when you ran off to medical school.
Derek steps in front of Renee. Maxine hisses at him.
DEREK That’s my baby in there.
RENEE It’s twins, Derek! Just like you and your evil twin brother, the crooked foreman, Evan Procyon!
Derek doesn’t break eye-contact with Joshua.
DEREK Twins do run in my family, but that wouldn’t have anything to do with you.
RENEE Except that we are family, Derek. Harlan is your father!
Derek turns to face her.
DEREK No. I never knew my father.
Maxine steps in between Derek and Renee.
MAXINE Except you knew him all along. He wasn’t just your father, he was the Captain of Black Mask Industries, the fastest-growing eye-mask conglomerate in the world, headquartered here in Atwater Village.
Joshua is shocked at this revelation. HARLAN steps forward.
HARLAN And I’ll be damned if a bunch of degenerate thugs threaten the lives of my grandchildren.
Harlan gestures to Derek and the rest of the raccoons.
They all hiss and snarl at the outnumbered coyotes, who make a hasty retreat.
HARLAN You will pay for what you have done to this family, Joshua!
Joshua turns back in retaliation and raises his fist.
JOSHUA I will destroy Black Mask Industries!
He scurries away. They all do, chased by the rest of the nursery.
Derek stays back and looks on, as Maxine takes Renee’s hand.
MAXINE I’m sorry for accusing you of betrayal, it’s just. My mother–
DEREK The great Angelica Coon–
MAXINE The great Angelica Coon. I should have trusted you.
RENEE All is forgiven.
Maxine sniffs towards Derek. She levels her eyes at Renee.
MAXINE I just have one question… How did he know where to fins us?
Renee looks to Derek conspiratorially.
MAXINE I knew it. You didn’t sell me out to The Cartel. You sold me out to your new lover. You look like a possum and smell like a skunk, you trash-eating, brother-loving whore!
Maxine slaps Renee with the force of her mother, the great Angelica Coon.
Renee slaps her right back. The great Angelica Coon would be so proud.
RENEE I could not just stand there and watch you steal this glorious food from our community. Shame on you. The Nursery provides for all members of the Nursery.
MAXINE What are you saying?
RENEE For once in your life, stop blaming everything on your mother, the great Angelica Coon. I don’t love Derek, I only mated with him for the good of The Nursery.
Derek looks genuinely hurt at this.
RENEE I love YOU. Make a choice, Maxine: An all-you-can-eat buffet, or me?
Maxine looks to the heavens for an answer.
In the night sky, backlit from the light of the full moon, an imposing, yet elegant apparition smiles down at Maxine.
It is the spirit of her mother, the great Angelica Coon (if Joan Collins were a raccoon.)
Maxine looks at the trash, then she looks at Renee.
Then she looks at the spirit of her mother again, the great Angelica Coon.
MAXINE I know what I must do.
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Lesson 16, QE Cycle #3 – Draft 2 (after watching the video critique). I tried to use all 5 challenges and all 9 new interest techniques, as well as some of the previous 10. And this time, I really tried to focus even more on aligning EVERY line of dialogue with their core traits and subtext. Led to some interesting changes. Let me know if I succeeded. And totally down if anyone wants to exchange critiques!
Logline: Two graduate students go head-to-head after being forced to work on a project together to make a standard anti-gravity device
Essence: Nancy needs to prove herself, by any means necessary.
INT. CALTECH SCIENCE LAB 4 – DAY
A blinding flash of silver light fills everything, then recedes.
Dozens and dozens of futuristic machines and equipment fill the space, all sorts of lights flicker, and a steady electrical hum seeps out of the lighting on the ceiling.
NANCY (24, all business) lifts her goggles off her eyes and turns to her lab partner.
NANCY Well? What you’re waiting for? Hit it!
SQUIRE (24, if Starlord were a scientist) looks around the room and then at her. He seems confused.
SQUIRE I mean… I just did?
Now it’s Nancy’s turn to be perplexed.
NANCY Fuck. What did you do?
SQUIRE What do you mean? I did what you said.
NANCY I bet– Did you finish setting the coils like I showed you?
Squire takes off his own goggles and looks away from her.
SQUIRE Nancy, we’ve been through this. I’m not an idiot.
NANCY Show me.
Nancy grabs the weird, buzzing, metallic contraption in front of them. She pulls it apart, into two formerly conjoined halves. The buzzing sound stops.
Nancy looks at her own half.
NANCY You check my core, I’ll check your facilitator.
Squire takes a step back. He seems amused.
SQUIRE That’s what she said.
She looks at his half. Impressive. She examines a wire.
NANCY It seems… okay. But we can’t try again until we figure out what’s wrong.
SQUIRE Second time’s a charm–what’s the worst that could happen?
NANCY This isn’t a joke, Squire. We’re not making a toaster here. If you fuck this up, all bets are off. We could both die. Or worse.
Squire finds this even funnier.
SQUIRE What’s worse than dying? Dying twice?
NANCY (just loud enough so he hears) Seeing the person you care about most get beaten into a coma.
SQUIRE Dark. I thought you were gonna say “dying three times”.
Nancy glares at him.
SQUIRE Get it? Cause I said “dying twice”, so you would say-
NANCY It’s thrice.
SQUIRE Right! And what if we get caught in an endless time loop and start dying over and over again? That’s way worse than dying once. Or twice. Or thrice.
She’s definitely not in the mood.
SQUIRE Relax. Dr. Horton said we have all weekend. We shouldn’t rush. Wanna go get some drinks instead?
NANCY No, yeah, that’s a great idea. Let’s get some alcohol in our bodies and then try again.
SQUIRE That’s the spirit!
NANCY Let’s impair our judgment, fine motor skills, and reflexes, and then try to defeat gravity.
SQUIRE Come on, you deserve a break.
NANCY Then you go. It’s not like my entire future depends on us building this.
Squire gets it finally. He smiles at her.
SQUIRE No, you’re right. We’re in this together.
NANCY Not by choice. Horton seems to think we’ll reach a higher purpose or something. If we work together.
INT. PROFESSOR HORTON’S OFFICE – DAY
DR. HORTON (60s, and smarmy) watches intently into his LAPTOP. Several windows on the screen. All show different CCTV angles of Nancy and Squire in the lab right this very moment. The rolling timecode in camera two’s window shows APRIL/23/2042/11:02:54. Then, APRIL/23/2042/11:02:55.
Horton leans in to hear what Squire is about to say.
Squire approaches Nancy and looks deep into her eyes. Lightly presses his hand on hers.
SQUIRE He paired us up cause you and I, we’re the class superstars.
Horton glances at a couple of files open on his desk, and then types something up on his futuristic tablet.
INT. CALTECH SCIENCE LAB 4 – DAY
Nancy abruptly removes her hand. There is a flush of red on her cheekbones. Squire is a very attractive guy. In a golden retriever kind of way.
NANCY Please, do not equate my intellect with your charm.
SQUIRE You think I’m charming.
NANCY I most certainly do not.
SQUIRE You do, you just said it.
NANCY You think you’re charming.
Squire smiles.
SQUIRE I bet you that my half of the anti-gravity circuit scores better than yours.
Nancy is intrigued but tries not to show it.
NANCY That’s laughable.
SQUIRE You know what’s funny, when people say laughable, instead of just… laughing.
NANCY I knew you were a gambler.
Squire flushes a wide smile.
SQUIRE If I win, you go on a date with me.
NANCY That’s absurd. Absolutely not.
SQUIRE So you think I’ll win.
She has him right where she wants him.
She thrusts out her hand.
NANCY Deal. But when I beat your ass, you tell me how you got into this program in the first place.
Squire takes her hand into his and shakes it gently.
SQUIRE Hard work and good grades.
He gives her the biggest shit-eating grin in the history of the planet and wipes his model-gorgeous hair out of his eyes. What a douchebag.
He takes her hand and pulls her in front of his half of the device. She jerks her hand back.
SQUIRE I think I actually need to reverse the polarity of these coils.
Nancy is taken aback.
NANCY That’s… That’s not-
SQUIRE I already set them like you showed me. But if we reverse their poles, it could actually increase the magnetic field by as much as 33%. Horton’s gonna cream his pants.
NANCY 48% actually. But… This might work.
She throws him a weird look.
SQUIRE Don’t gotta look that surprised.
NANCY No, it’s… Why didn’t I think of that?
Squire grins.
SQUIRE Maybe you’re not as intellectual as you thought.
NANCY Shut up. Look. You missed the connections on the facilitator.
She uses a futuristic welding gun to carefully melt and connect the joints on the facilitator that Squire missed.
SQUIRE Nice. Thanks for catching that.
NANCY Nice try. Now you do the other one.
She offers him the tool. Squire reluctantly takes it.
SQUIRE Uhm. Welding’s never been my thing.
NANCY You’re about to graduate with a master’s in Applied Quantum Physics from the number one school in the country.
SQUIRE Can you please do this? For me?
He offers the welding gun back.
NANCY Maybe I should let you fail.
SQUIRE If I fail, we both fail.
Nancy takes a moment to think. Fuck. He’s right. But there is only one way out of this quagmire. She grabs the tool.
NANCY Fine, move.
She crouches down over his half of the project. Forcefully aims the welding gun down at the joint. Makes contact.
NANCY 1… 2… 3…
SQUIRE (under his breath) Go. For. The knee.
Nancy freezes.
NANCY What did you say?
Squire pauses.
SQUIRE Nothing.
NANCY No, you just said something. Go for the knee.
SQUIRE Oh. Yeah it’s nothing. Just one of those things you learn in preschool.
She turns her attention to the connection. Her hands shake.
NANCY So did you grow up around here?
SQUIRE Yeah, Eastside. Los Feliz, born and bred.
NANCY Same.
SQUIRE Small world.
She welds part of the second connection. Her knuckles are white.
NANCY It’s kind of dark, you know.
SQUIRE Eastside? Nah. I’m from the good part.
NANCY (her voice shaking) 1-2-3, go for the knee. It’s dark. For a preschooler. Don’t you think?
SQUIRE Oh. Yeah, it’s fucked up. Like all kids are gonna repeat it. You know, that’s what we’re primed to do.
Nancy pretends to focus on her work, but her attention is elsewhere.
SQUIRE We’re pack animals. We follow our leader… even when he’s evil.
NANCY You say that like you have experience.
SQUIRE Yeh. Something like that. Tried to block it out. Kind of what made me wanna come here. Studying the nature of reality makes me feel less important.
NANCY What you do affects everything around you. Free will is real, until the moment we make a choice. And that choice takes away other people’s free will.
Squire thinks about that.
NANCY For example, what is there preventing me from taking this welding gun, and burning a hole through your temple?
INT. PROFESSOR HORTON’S OFFICE – DAY
Dr. Horton leans in. His eyes hanging over Nancy’s words on the screen of his laptop.
NANCY Just like there’s nothing preventing a pack of preschoolers from maiming a father. Life isn’t random–it’s fucked.
Squire glances at the welding gun in her hand. It’s dangerously close to his face.
NANCY I can change my reality-and yours- with just a simple flick of my wrist. Just like you and your friends-your packmates-did to my father.
Nancy puts the welding gun down and picks up the coil. Squire slowly pieces this together.
NANCY But I’m not like you.
Horton smiles. Sick bastard.
INT. CALTECH SCIENCE LAB 4 – DAY
Squire is hit by the memory of that day.
Nancy carefully reverses the coil’s orientation.
SQUIRE But. But he killed Gwyneth Poultry…
The mention of that name is like a slap in Nancy’s face.
She accidentally touches the coil to the wrong part of the facilitator.
Electricity crackles.
The facilitator on the table makes a hollow noise, and in a fraction of a second propels itself towards Nancy’s nearby “perfect” core, just barely missing her hand.
The magnetic pull unites the two halves as one.
As the device begins to attract other loose metallic objects onto it, the two grad students only have a fraction of a second of recognition in each others’ eyes, but it’s long enough to know they fucked up big time.
A blinding flash of silver light fills everything, then recedes.
Dozens and dozens of futuristic machines and equipment fill the space, all sorts of lights flicker, and a steady electrical hum seeps out of the lighting on the ceiling.
Nancy lifts her goggles off her eyes and turns to Squire.
NANCY Well? What you’re waiting for? Hit it!
Squire looks around the room and then at her. He seems confused.
SQUIRE I mean… I just did?
Now it’s Nancy’s turn to be perplexed.
NANCY Fuck. What did you do?
SQUIRE What do you mean? I did what you said.
NANCY I bet– Did you finish setting the coils like I showed you?
Squire takes off his own goggles and looks away from her.
SQUIRE Nancy, we’ve been through this. I’m not an idiot.
NANCY Show me.
Nancy grabs the weird, buzzing, metallic contraption in front of them. She pulls it apart, into two formerly conjoined halves. The buzzing sound stops.
Nancy looks at her own half.
NANCY You check my core, I’ll check your facilitator.
Squire takes a step back. He seems amused.
SQUIRE That’s what she said.
She looks at his half. Impressive. She examines a wire.
NANCY It seems… okay. But we can’t try again until we figure out what’s wrong.
SQUIRE Second time’s a charm–what’s the worst that could happen?
-
Lesson 14, QE Cycle #3 – Draft 1 (Tried to use all 5 challenges and all 9 new interest techniques, as well as some of the previous 10.) Let me know if I succeeded.
Logline: Two graduate students go head-to-head after being forced to work on a project together to make a standard anti-gravity device
Essence: Nancy needs to prove herself, by any means necessary.
INT. CALTECH SCIENCE LAB 4 – DAY
A blinding flash of silver light fills everything, then recedes.
Dozens and dozens of futuristic machines and equipment fill the space, all sorts of lights flicker, and a steady electrical hum seeps out of the lighting on the ceiling.
NANCY (24, all business) lifts her goggles off her eyes and turns to her lab partner.
NANCY Well? What you’re waiting for? Hit it!
SQUIRE (24, if Starlord were a scientist) looks around the room and then at her. He seems confused.
SQUIRE I mean… I just did?
Now it’s Nancy’s turn to be perplexed.
NANCY Fuck. What did you do?
SQUIRE What do you mean? I did what you said?
NANCY Did you finish setting the coils like I showed you?
Squire takes off his own goggles and looks away from her.
SQUIRE Nancy, we’ve been through this. I’m not an idiot.
NANCY Show me.
Nancy grabs the weird, buzzing, metallic contraption in front of them. She pulls it apart, into two formerly conjoined halves. The buzzing sound stops.
Nancy looks at her own half.
NANCY My core is perfect. Show me your facilitator.
Squire takes a step back. He seems amused.
SQUIRE Oh, so it’s gotta be me who messed up, not you? Huh?
She looks at his half, but it all seems fine.
NANCY Hmmm.
SQUIRE Let’s go again, what’s the worst that could happen?
NANCY This isn’t a joke, Squire. If you fuck this up, we could both die. Or worse. We’re not making a toaster here.
Squire finds this even funnier.
SQUIRE What’s worse than dying? Dying twice?
NANCY (muttering under her breath) Being beaten within an inch of your life, only to become a mentally unstable alcoholic who ruins your own life alongside the lives of everyone who’s ever had the misfortune of entering your orbit.
Wowza. Squire didn’t exactly expect this outburst.
SQUIRE Dark. I thought you were gonna say “dying three times”.
Nancy’s eyeballs look like they want to stab him.
SQUIRE Get it? Cause I said “dying twice”, so you would say-
NANCY It’s thrice.
SQUIRE Right! And what if we get caught in an endless time loop and start dying over and over again? That’s way worse than dying once. Or twice. Or thrice.
Yikes. She’s definitely not in the mood.
SQUIRE Relax. Dr. Horton said we have all weekend. We shouldn’t rush. Wanna go get some drinks instead?
NANCY No, yeah, that’s a great idea. Let’s get some alcohol in our bodies and then try again.
SQUIRE That’s the spirit!
NANCY Let’s impair our judgment, fine motor skills, and reflexes, and then try to defeat gravity.
Squire gets the sarcasm finally.
SQUIRE Alright. I get it.
NANCY It’s not like my entire future depends on us building this.
SQUIRE Hey this is my thesis too. We’re in this together.
NANCY Not by choice. Horton seems to think we’ll reach a higher purpose or something if we work together.
INT. PROFESSOR HORTON’S OFFICE – DAY
DR. HORTON (60s, and smarmy) watches intently into his LAPTOP. Several windows on the screen. All show different CCTV angles of Nancy and Squire in the lab right this very moment. The rolling timecode in camera two’s window shows APRIL/23/2042/11:02:54. Then, APRIL/23/2042/11:02:55.
Horton leans in to hear what Squire is about to say.
SQUIRE That’s deep.
Squire approaches Nancy and looks deep into her eyes. Lightly presses his hand on hers.
SQUIRE He paired us up cause you and I, we’re the class superstars.
Horton glances at a couple of files open on his desk, and then types something up on his futuristic tablet.
INT. CALTECH SCIENCE LAB 4 – DAY
Nancy abruptly removes her hand. There is a flush of red on her cheekbones. Squire is a very attractive guy. In a golden retriever kind of way.
NANCY Please, do not equate my intellect with your charm.
SQUIRE You think I’m charming.
NANCY I most certainly do not.
SQUIRE You do, you just said it.
NANCY You think you’re charming.
Squire smiles.
SQUIRE There. You said it again.
NANCY No. You do. And you actually think you’re smarter than me. Which is laughable.
SQUIRE You know what’s funny, when people say laughable, instead of just… laughing.
Nancy will not be bested.
NANCY I bet you that my half of the anti-gravity core scores better than yours.
Squire is intrigued.
SQUIRE I’ll take that bet. What do I get when I win?
NANCY Don’t you already have everything?
SQUIRE If I win, you go on a date with me.
NANCY That’s absurd. Absolutely not.
SQUIRE So you clearly think I’ll win. That’s why you won’t do it.
Nancy takes a moment. Then thrusts out her hand.
NANCY Deal. But when I beat your ass, you tell me how you got into this program in the first place.
Squire takes her hand into his and shakes it gently.
SQUIRE Hard work and good grades.
He gives her the biggest shit-eating grin in the history of the planet and wipes his model-gorgeous hair out of his eyes. What a douchebag.
He takes her hand and pulls her in front of his half of the device. She jerks her hand back.
SQUIRE I think we actually need to reverse the polarity of these coils.
Nancy is taken aback.
NANCY That’s… That’s not-
SQUIRE I already set them like you showed me. But if we reverse their poles, it could actually increase the magnetic field by as much as 33%.
NANCY 48% actually. But… This might work.
She throws him a weird look.
SQUIRE Don’t gotta look that surprised.
NANCY No, it’s… Why didn’t I think of that?
Squire grins.
SQUIRE Maybe you’re not as intellectual as you thought you are.
NANCY Shut up. Look. You missed the connections on the facilitator.
She uses a futuristic welding gun to carefully melt and connect the joints of the facilitator that Squire missed.
SQUIRE Nice. Thanks for catching that.
NANCY Nice try. Now you do the other ones.
She offers him the tool. Squire pauses and doesn’t take it.
SQUIRE Uhm.
NANCY What?
SQUIRE Welding’s never been my thing.
NANCY How come? You’re about to graduate with a master’s in Applied Quantum Physics from the number one school in the country, and you can’t even weld a freaking connection?
SQUIRE Can you please do this? For me?
NANCY Maybe I should let you fail.
SQUIRE If I fail, we both fail.
Nancy takes a moment to think. Fuck. He’s right. But there is only one way out of this quagmire.
NANCY Fine, move.
She crouches down over his half of the project. Forcefully aims the welding gun down at the joints.
NANCY 1… 2… 3…
SQUIRE (under his breath) Go. For. The knee.
Nancy freezes.
NANCY What did you say?
Squire pauses.
SQUIRE Nothing.
NANCY No, you just said something. Go for the knee.
SQUIRE Oh. Yeah it’s nothing. Just one of those things you learn in preschool.
NANCY Hm.
She turns her attention to the connection. Her hands shake.
NANCY So did you grow up around here?
SQUIRE Yeah, Eastside, Los Feliz, born and bred.
NANCY Same.
SQUIRE Small world.
She welds part of the second connection. Her knuckles are white.
NANCY It’s kind of dark, you know.
SQUIRE What is?
NANCY (her voice shaking) 1-2-3, go for the knee. It’s dark. For a preschooler. Don’t you think?
SQUIRE Yeah, it’s fucked up. Like all kids are gonna repeat it. You know, that’s what we’re primed to do.
Nancy pretends to focus on her work, but her attention is elsewhere.
SQUIRE We’re pack animals. We follow our leader… even when our leader is evil.
NANCY You say that like you have experience.
SQUIRE Yeh. Something like that. I tried to block it out, but I think about it every day, actually. Kind of what made me wanna come here. Understanding the nature of reality makes me feel even less significant than I am.
NANCY Free will is real, until the moment we make a choice. And that choice takes away other people’s free will.
Squire has no idea what she’s talking about.
NANCY For example, what is there preventing me from taking this welding gun, and burning a hole through your temple?
INT. PROFESSOR HORTON’S OFFICE – DAY
Dr. Horton leans in. His eyes hanging over Nancy’s words on the screen of his laptop.
NANCY Just like there’s nothing preventing a pack of preschoolers from maiming a father. Life isn’t random. It’s fucked.
Squire is not sure what’s going on. He glances at the welding gun in her hand. It’s dangerously close to his face.
NANCY I can change my reality-and yours- with just a simple flick of my wrist. Just like you and your friends-your packmates-did to my father.
Nancy puts the welding gun down and picks up the coil. Squire slowly pieces this together.
NANCY But I’m not like you.
Horton smiles. Sick bastard.
INT. CALTECH SCIENCE LAB 4 – DAY
Squire is hit by the memory of that day.
Nancy carefully reverses the coil’s orientation.
SQUIRE But. But he killed Gwyneth Poultry…
The mention of that name is like a slap in Nancy’s face.
Her eye twitches and her hand shakes. The coil makes contact with the wrong part of the facilitator.
Electricity crackles.
Just barely missing Nancy’s hand, the facilitator on the table makes a hollow noise, and in a fraction of a second propels itself towards Nancy’s nearby “perfect” core.
The magnetic pull joins the two halves as one.
As the device begins to attract other loose metallic objects onto it, the two grad students only have a fraction of a second of recognition in each others’ eyes, but it’s long enough to know they fucked up big time.
A blinding flash of silver light fills everything, then recedes.
Dozens and dozens of futuristic machines and equipment fill the space, all sorts of lights flicker, and a steady electrical hum seeps out of the lighting on the ceiling.
Nancy lifts her goggles off her eyes and turns to her lab partner.
NANCY Well? What you’re waiting for? Hit it!
Squire looks around the room and then at her. He seems confused.
SQUIRE I mean… I just did?
Now it’s Nancy’s turn to be perplexed.
NANCY Fuck. What did you do?
SQUIRE What do you mean? I did what you said?
NANCY Did you finish setting the coils like I showed you?
Squire takes off his own goggles and looks away from her.
SQUIRE Nancy, we’ve been through this. I’m not an idiot.
NANCY Show me.
Nancy grabs the weird, buzzing, metallic contraption in front of them. She pulls it apart, into two formerly conjoined halves. The buzzing sound stops.
Nancy looks at her own half.
NANCY My core is perfect. Show me your facilitator.
Squire takes a step back. He seems amused.
SQUIRE Oh, so it’s gotta be me who messed up, not you? Huh?
She looks at his half, but it all seems fine.
NANCY Hmmm.
SQUIRE Let’s go again, what’s the worst that could happen?
-
Yanni Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that it is tricky to include many or all of the interest techniques, especially since there seems to be some overlap between them. However, the process, if successful, helps focus and sharpen the scene and this feels extremely satisfying. I also learned that you can make very small changes to dialogue/action to lean into interest techniques and enhance their use.
Logline: Shira tries to call Avi from her deathbed.
Essence: Shira wants to make amends for excommunicating Avi.
Techniques used:
Hook
Dilemma
Predictions
Something Unseen
Mystery
Creating a Future
Anticipatory Dialogue
Cliffhanger
Uncomfortable Moment
REWRITTEN SCENE:
INT. MONSEY HOME – NIGHT
Back at Avi’s childhood home, his parents’ room has been turned into an at-home hospice. Shira lays in a hospital bed.
Avi’s father, visibly older, sits by her bedside, and NECHAMA busies herself trying to make her mother feel comfortable.
SHIRA No, I want to call him. Just give me my phone.
Yitzchak hesitates.
YITZCHAK It’s Shabbos. You slept all day.
Shira will not have it.
SHIRA I don’t care.
YITZCHAK Shira-
SHIRA Yitzchak! Give me the DAMN phone.
Yitzchak still hesitates. Shira turns to her daughter, her eyes pleading.
SHIRA Nechama? Please?
Nechama seeks her dad’s eyes.
NECHAMA Abba?
He avoids her. Finally she hands the phone to Shira.
SHIRA (to Yitzchak) You think this is what Hakadosh Boruch Hu is going to hold against me?
She searches for a name in the contacts. Lands on ZZZZAvi.
YITZCHAK He won’t pick up. You know that.
Shira makes the call.
SHIRA He- Avi needs to know.
Yitzchak shakes his head. Nechama holds Shira’s hand.
– – – –
Hook:
Shira wants to make an actual phone call to her son, but she is Orthodox and using the phone is prohibited. Additionally, she hasn’t had contact with her son in years (though this becomes more apparent in the next scene not listed here.
Uncomfortable Moment:
Yitzchak incorrectly thinks that Shira is mistaken when she asks for the phone to make the call. He thinks she does not know it is shabbat, but she does, she has just chosen to break it.
Hook/Uncomfortable Moment:
Shira curses–it’s not explicit, but for an older Orthodox woman to have an outburst like that is very unusual.
Mystery:
Why won’t he let her make the call? Why is she adamant about it? She pleads with her daughter, and he still won’t let her?
Also: “You think this is what Hakadosh Boruch Hu (god) is going to hold against me?” What did she do that was so bad? That she herself knows is so bad, that this blatant transgression would pale in comparison?
Dilemma:
Nechama has a dilemma: honor her mother and disobey her father, or refuse her mother’s dying wish and obey her father.
Yitzchak’s dilemma is whether to let Shira break the sabbath right before she dies, and give in to her dying wish. Or to keep her pious before she dies.
Mystery/Hook:
Why does she have his name saved as “ZZZAvi”
Prediction/Anticipatory Dialogue/Something Unseen/Creating a future:
Yitzchak tells Shira that Avi won’t pick up the phone, even if she calls him.
Mystery/Anticipatory Dialogue:
Shira says “He- Avi needs to know.” She finally makes a choice to say his name out loud.
Cliffhanger:
Will Avi pick up?
-
Yanni Challenging Situations
Scene 1:
AVI’s Character Traits: Extremely Protective, Witty, Independent, Extremely Resentful.
Current Scene Logline: Avi and his boyfriend, Ben, drive to his mother’s funeral talking about the rules of the formal mourning process to come after the funeral. Avi explains the reasons why his family doesn’t deserve to know Ben, even though Ben wants to support Avi during the funeral and mourning process.
Essence: Ben has to understand why Avi is so hesitant to go to the funeral, so that their own relationship is on solid ground, before they have to deal with the supernatural entity together.
Brainstorm list of possible challenges:
Goal: To explain to Ben clearly why he should not meet his family.
Ben could be insulted that Avi doesn’t want him to meet his family.
Ben might think that Avi is lying to him.
Avi could get emotional and not explain things properly.
Needs: He needs Ben to support his decision.
Ben can disagree with his decision.
Ben can play devil’s advocate with Avi’s family.
Ben can be insulted.
Values: He wants to protect Ben emotionally. He prioritizes their relationship.
He insults Ben by accident.
Ben thinks Avi prioritizes his relationship with his parents all of a sudden.
Ben attacks Avi and tells him he needs no protection, and accuses him of patronizing.
Wound: Avi doesn’t want to get into his trauma with Ben.
Ben pushes Avi to talk about the trauma.
Avi accidentally reveals some wild detail about the trauma.
Physical: He wants to get to the funeral on time.
They get lost.
They get in an accident.
They miss their exit.
They run out of gas.
Their tire blows and they need to change it.
Ben asks to go back home, so they fight.
Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge:
He insults Ben by accident. (Values)
Ben can be insulted. (Needs & Goal)
They miss their exit. (Physical)
While driving to the funeral, Avi fills Ben in on what he can expect during a religious Jewish burial. Ben is insulted that Avi doesn’t want him to meet his family, and while they argue, Avi misses the exit, which will make them late to the already tense funeral.
—————
Scene 2:
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>THEO’s Character Traits: Idealistic, Creative, Hard-Working, Coward.
Current Scene Logline:
On the last day of his boring temp job, Theo is misnamed on his “thank you” cake in the breakroom.
Essence: Theo suffers when his creativity is stifled.
Brainstorm list of possible challenges:
Goal: Theo’s goal is to make it to the end of the workday without drawing negative attention to himself.
Supervisor comments on the bull sculpture he constructed out of post-its
Someone comments on his binge eating when they see the trash at his desk.
Office bully disparages him, he doesn’t say anything.
Needs: Theo needs this job to survive.
Maybe it’s not his last day, it’s his birthday. And he gets fired.
He finished his work, so he was working on his sculpture and the supervisor came by.
Values: Creativity, independence.
His creativity and his independence are what gets him in trouble. He is independent, but that gets him in trouble with his supervisor who accuses him of slacking off on company time.
A coworker (or his supervisor) ruins his sculpture.
Wound: He is self conscious about his weight and suffers from binge eating disorder.
Somebody brings up his weight.
Somebody makes a snarky comment about the cake being a single serve cake for him.
Somebody comments on the amount of trash wrappers at his desk.
Somebody is like–you are always working on your little art project, so we made a collage of all the trash wrappers we took out of your trash can.
Physical: Something physical happens on his last day of work.
He trips.
Someone drops the cake on him.
He smashes the cake on the bully.
He falls asleep at his desk.
His pants rip when he bends down.
Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.
Maybe it’s not his last day, it’s his birthday. And he gets fired. (Needs)
He is independent, but that gets him in trouble with his supervisor who accuses him of slacking off on company time. (Values, Needs, Goal)
Somebody makes a snarky comment about the cake being a single serve cake for him. (Wound, Goal)
Somebody comments on the amount of snack wrappers in his bin. (Wound, Goal)
He smashes the cake on the bully. (Physical, Goal)
Theo finishes his work-load for the day, in his boring data-entry job, so he turns his attention to the sculpture he has been making out of post-its and other office supplies. His supervisor comes bringing a birthday cake for him (and his name is misspelled but doesn’t say anything), and catches him working on the sculpture instead of working. Then an office bully makes a snarky comment about the cake being single serve and also points to the snack wrappers in his bin. This pushes Theo over the edge and he smashes the cake on the bully, which gets him fired from his job.
-
Yanni’s Full-out Characters:
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is how to better focus my character traits and use them to create more interesting internal character dynamics that complement one another and serve the true purpose of the story. The key is leaning into finding and embracing the extremes and enhancing them with an unexpected subtext that originates from within their fatal flaw.
THEO
BEFORE DESCRIPTION: A brilliant artist is unable to survive in a world driven by production.
BEFORE TRAITS: Creative, Intelligent, Loner, Insecure
BEFORE SUBTEXT: Theo is overweight and suffers from bulimia.
–
AFTER DESCRIPTION: Theo cannot support himself financially, despite his artistic brilliance.
AFTER TRAITS: Idealistic, Creative, Hard-Working, Coward
AFTER SUBTEXT: Every time Theo gets a “normie” job, he self-sabotages because he’s afraid to abandon his artistic talent for capitalist ideals.
AVI
BEFORE DESCRIPTION: Avi is an out-and-proud gay man who harbors guilt about his sexuality.
BEFORE TRAITS: Protective, Resentful, Witty, Judgmental
BEFORE SUBTEXT: Avi hasn’t forgiven his family, nor does he intend to. It’s his blind spot.
–
AFTER DESCRIPTION: Avi is an out-and-proud gay man who resents his insular, religious upbringing.
AFTER TRAITS: Extremely Protective, Extremely Resentful, Witty, Independent
AFTER SUBTEXT: Avi hasn’t forgiven his family for kicking him out, but is forced to spend time with them again while mourning his mother’s death.
LEVI
BEFORE DESCRIPTION: Levi is a messy bitch who can’t get out of his own way.
BEFORE TRAITS: Playful, Selfish, Unmotivated, Rebellious
BEFORE SUBTEXT: Levi is trying to hide the trauma of his sexual assault.
–
AFTER DESCRIPTION: When he feels wronged, Levi becomes an emotional terrorist hell bent on gaining the upper hand.
AFTER TRAITS: Loyal, Intelligent, Justice-oriented, Destructive
AFTER SUBTEXT: Levi suffers from unresolved trauma from childhood sexual abuse that he hides from everyone, especially those closest to him.
-
LOGLINE: John tries to find out what is going on with his young daughter, Nic, who has been acting “off” all evening.
ESSENCE: You may create your children, but you can’t control who they become.
SCENE: (Lesson 10 – Cycle QE#2 – 2nd Draft, after watching the video critique)
INT. SILVERLAKE HOME – BATHROOM – NIGHT
From inside the linen armoire, the upscale midcentury modern- meets-boho bathroom looks like a tranquil spa. Steam rises from the full bathtub.
Until NIÇOISE AKA NIC (5, cooler than you and she knows it) moves in front, blocking out all light. She drops a towel in the hamper, pulls out an ELECTRIC HAIR CLIPPER and closes the door of the armoire.
She deftly plugs the hair clipper into the outlet, takes off the trimmer clip, and methodically begins to shave the base of her hair into an undercut that could only be pulled off by this very specific breed of precocious child that can only survive in the wild of Los Angeles’ east side.
She shaves more and more, and fuck if we’re crazy, but it actually looks good. Savage. But good.
She smiles at her reflection in the mirror.
JOHN (O.S.) Dammit Nic, I knew it!
It’s her dad, John (42, dressed in a loosened button down shirt and sweatpants.)
Nic hides the clippers behind her back.
NIC Hi daddy.
JOHN I take one second to myself! Damn Stephanie for bailing on us!
Nic drops the clippers on the counter, turns on her heal and tries to run past him. John puts out his arms to block her from escaping.
NIC I need space.
JOHN You asked for alone time, not to shave your head!
NIC You shaved yours.
JOHN I am old enough to make that change for myself. You’re not.
NIC Mommy said your hair started to run away.
John finds this amusing.
NIC But that you look better without it.
JOHN (laughing) Oh yeah? I made a good choice?
He checks himself out in the mirror. Side by side, he and Nic look remarkably similar.
JOHN You actually did a really good job. Steady hand. Mom will dig it.
NIC I love you daddy.
She wraps her arms around him and he just melts.
JOHN Okay, time for your bath.
Nic freezes.
NIC I did already.
John glances at Exhibit A: The very full, undisturbed bath.
JOHN Uhmmmm. Try again.
NIC I filled it back up.
JOHN Oh really?
NIC For you. And mommy.
JOHN Hmmm. (beat) Mommy’s at her reunion. You know that. And because I needed my alone time, she asked me to make sure you take a bath. And you know I always do what mommy asks.
NIC Did mommy ask you to take Stephanie out to dinner?
JOHN What’s that now?
NIC Mommy saw you with Stephanie last week. That’s why she told her not to come play with me today.
JOHN What?! I would never do that!
NIC She cried a lot. Mommy said her Big Mad was coming out.
JOHN Okay, well mommy and I will definitely have a talk about that.
NIC Mommy doesn’t want to talk about it. That’s what she told nana. That you’re a cliché.
JOHN Oh Christ. (beat) You know what, just get in the tub.
NIC NO! I already did! I dried myself and everything.
John looks over at Exhibit B: The empty towel rack. She’s good. She’s really good.
He moves towards the armoire and Nic’s eyes widen in panic.
His eyes locked on the witness during cross examination, he performatively opens the armoire and reaches into the hamper.
Without breaking eye contact with her, John dramatically pulls out a crisp white towel, revealing that underneath it is the BODY OF A YOUNG WOMAN!
Nic freezes.
His eyes still locked on Nic, John closes the armoire with his foot and ceremoniously unfurls Exhibit C!
JOHN Aha! Bone dry. Prosecution rests.
John somehow didn’t notice the body. Nic breathes a sigh of relief. Casually glances at the armoire again, but John catches her glance this time.
He looks at it again, then at Nic, then motions to open it. This prompts Nic to immediate action.
NIC Fine, I’ll take a stupid bath.
John’s victory is short lived, because Nic gets in the tub, fully clothed.
JOHN Great. Wonderful.
Nic smiles sweetly at him.
NIC What?
But John won’t take the bait.
She gloats. He pours shower gel onto a loofah and begins to scrub Nic’s clothes. Nic giggles.
JOHN This is great. Very normal.
NIC Daddy? Is Zephyr’s daddy dead?
John pauses. He’s not sure how to answer this.
JOHN Trent is– No. Trent’s… just in the hospital.
NIC Because of what I did to him?
JOHN Because of what Teacher Bobby did to him. To all of you.
Nic starts to cry.
NIC My Big Mad just got too big. It got away from my body.
John, unsure of what to do next, takes a moment, then gets in the tub, fully clothed too.
Through her tears, Nic smiles.
JOHN I know honey. Big Mad just got too big to stay inside. But you know? We can put Big Mad back inside.
NIC Yeah, she’s back inside. In my heart.
John continues to scrub Nic clean over her clothes and she giggles. He sees an opening.
JOHN So when Stephanie came by earlier, did she say why she couldn’t babysit?
NIC No, just that she had to go. For school or something.
John pauses the clothes-scrubbing.
JOHN That’s interesting. Because you said that mommy told her not to come.
Nic pauses. Tries her best poker face, even though she probably has no clue what poker even is.
NIC No I didn’t.
John ups his cross-examination.
JOHN Yeah, you did. I remember I thought it was weird that Stephanie didn’t come, but her car was parked right outside.
Nic freezes.
JOHN Where is Stephanie?
NIC She said she–
JOHN Don’t lie to me. It’s my job to keep you safe, Niçoise. And if you don’t tell me the truth, I can’t keep you safe.
Nic stands up and steps out of the bathtub. She eyes the hair clipper. Still plugged in.
NIC Oh daddy. You can’t keep me safe–
JOHN Don’t walk away from me–
Nic turns back to face him. Then slowly backs away, towards the clipper.
NIC No! I can take care of myself!
And with that, Nic grabs the still-plugged-in hair clippers off the counter, flicks on the switch, and tosses it into the tub.
John intercepts it and jumps out. He slips and falls, his head narrowly missing the edge of the bath tub, but still, his body takes a hit.
In what looks like intense pain, his eyes meet Nic’s death stare.
She grasps a pair of scissors, and smiles.
NIC 1, 2, 3, go for the knee!
John tightens his grip on the clippers as Nic lunges forward.
-
These instructions are a little confusing and kinda mixed up (maybe because these are all older lessons from years ago when they were doing it over email?), but if I’m not mistaken, I think we’re supposed to watch the video critique (lesson 9) and then post our rewritten scene of QE2 in the Lesson 10 forum, so I’ll post it there. And anyone who wants to exchange critiques, please let me know.
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LOGLINE: John tries to find out what is going on with his young daughter, Nic, who has been acting “off” all evening.
ESSENCE: You may create your children, but you can’t control who they become.
SCENE: (Lesson 8 – Cycle QE#2 – 1st Draft)
INT. SILVERLAKE HOME – BATHROOM – NIGHT
From inside the linen armoire, the upscale midcentury modern- meets-boho bathroom looks like a tranquil spa. Steam rises from the full bathtub.
Until NIÇOISE AKA NIC (5, cooler than you and she knows it) moves in front, blocking out all light. She drops a towel in the hamper, pulls out an ELECTRIC HAIR CLIPPER and closes the door of the armoire.
She deftly plugs the hair clipper into the outlet, takes off the trimmer clip, and methodically begins to shave the base of her hair into an undercut that could only be pulled off by this very specific breed of precocious child that can only survive in the wild of Los Angeles’ east side.
She shaves more and more, and fuck if we’re crazy, but it actually looks good. Savage. But good.
She smiles at her reflection in the mirror.
JOHN (O.S.) Oh. My. God.
It’s her dad, John (42, dressed in a loosened button down shirt and sweatpants.)
NIC AHHHHHHH!
Nic turns on her heal and tries to run past him. John puts out his arms to block her from escaping.
JOHN Nic, what has gotten into you?!
NIC I hate you!
JOHN I leave you alone for one second! Damn Stephanie for bailing on us!
NIC I need space.
JOHN You asked for alone time, Nic, not to shave your head!
NIC You shaved yours.
JOHN Not by choice.
NIC Mommy said your hair started to run away.
John finds this amusing.
NIC But that you look better without it.
JOHN (laughing) Oh yeah?
He checks himself out in the mirror. Side by side, he and Nic look remarkably similar.
JOHN You actually did a really good job. Steady hand. Just like daddy.
NIC I love you daddy.
She wraps her arms around him and he just melts.
JOHN Okay, time for your bath.
Nic freezes.
NIC I did already.
John glances at Exhibit A: The very full, undisturbed bath.
JOHN Uhmmmm. Try again.
NIC I filled it back up.
JOHN Oh really?
NIC For you. And mommy.
JOHN Hmmm. (beat) It’s the one thing mom asked me to do if I didn’t join her at the reunion. And you know I always do what mommy asks.
NIC Did mommy ask you to take Stephanie out to dinner?
JOHN What’s that now?
NIC Mommy saw you with Stephanie last week. That’s why she told her not to come play with me today.
JOHN What?! Stephanie and I weren’t at dinner.
NIC She cried a lot. Mommy said her Big Mad was coming out.
JOHN Okay, well mommy and I will talk about that.
NIC Mommy doesn’t want to talk about it. That’s what she told nana. That you’re a cliché.
JOHN Oh Christ. (beat) You know what, just get in the damn tub.
NIC NO! I already did! I dried myself and everything.
John looks over at Exhibit B: The empty towel rack. She’s good. She’s really good.
John moves towards the linen armoire and Nic’s eyes widen in panic.
His eyes locked on the witness during cross examination, he performatively opens the armoire and reaches into the hamper.
John dramatically pulls out a crisp white towel, revealing that underneath it is the BODY OF A YOUNG WOMAN! Nic freezes.
Eyes still locked on Nic, John closes the armoire with his foot and ceremoniously unfurls Exhibit C!
JOHN Aha! Bone dry. Prosecution rests.
Nic breathes a sigh of relief. Casually glances at the armoire again, but John catches her glance. That’s odd.
He looks at it again, then motions to open it. This prompts Nic to action.
NIC Fine, I’ll take a stupid bath.
John’s victory is short lived, because Nic gets in the tub, fully clothed.
JOHN Great. Wonderful.
Nic smiles sweetly at him.
NIC What?
But John won’t take the bait.
JOHN Nothing.
He pours shower gel onto a loofah and begins to scrub Nic’s clothes.
JOHN This is great. Very normal.
NIC Daddy? Is Zephyr’s daddy dead?
John pauses. He’s not sure how to answer this.
JOHN Trent is– No. Trent’s… just in the hospital.
NIC Because of what I did to him?
JOHN Because of what Teacher Bobby did to him. To all of you.
Nic starts to cry.
NIC My Big Mad just got too big. It got away from my body.
John, unsure of what to do next, takes a moment, then gets in the tub, fully clothed too.
Under her tears, Nic smiles.
JOHN I know honey. Big Mad just got too big to stay inside. But you know? We can put Big Mad back inside.
NIC Yeah, she’s back inside. In my heart.
Nic laughs, and John continues to scrub Nic clean over her clothes.
JOHN So when Stephanie came by earlier, did she say why she couldn’t babysit?
NIC No, just that she had to go. For school or something.
John pauses the clothes-scrubbing.
JOHN That’s interesting. Because you said that mommy told her not to come.
Nic pauses. Tries her best poker face, even though she probably has no clue what poker even is.
NIC No I didn’t.
John ups his cross-examination.
JOHN Yeah, you did. I remember I thought it was weird that Stephanie didn’t come, but her car was parked right outside.
Nic freezes.
JOHN Where is Stephanie?
NIC She said she–
JOHN Don’t lie to me. It’s my job to keep you safe, Niçoise. And if you don’t tell me the truth, I can’t keep you safe.
Nic stands up and steps out of the bathtub. She eyes the hair clipper. Still plugged in.
NIC Oh daddy. You can’t keep me safe–
JOHN Don’t walk away from me–
Nic turns back to him. Then slowly backs away, towards the clipper.
NIC Don’t worry. I can take care of myself.
And with that, Nic grabs the still-plugged-in hair clippers off the counter, flicks on the switch, and tosses it into the tub.
John intercepts it and jumps out. He slips and falls, his head narrowly missing the bath tub, but still, his body takes a hit.
In what looks like intense pain, his eyes meet Nic’s death stare.
She grasps a pair of scissors, and smiles.
NIC 1, 2, 3, go for the knee!
John tightens his grip on the clippers as Nic lunges forward.
-
Would love to exchange a more detailed critique with someone here. Let me know, if interested 🙂
Yanni Writes a Scene Using 9 Max Interest Techniques – 2nd Draft. Punching up some dialogue and tweaking various action descriptions after lesson videos and notes from fellow writers:
—
EXT. SMALL RESIDENTIAL PARKING LOT – DAY
TRENT (early 40s) slams the door of his shiny, black SUV, which causes the front hubcap to fall off. Godammit.
He grabs a wrench from the trunk, and tries to screws it back on. It doesn’t work. He carefully places the wrench and hubcap into his trunk and checks his face and tie in the mirror.
Then he opens the door of a tall privacy fence, and the sounds of a raucous party get louder.
EXT. BOUGIE PRESCHOOL YARD – DAY
The party is mixed. Exhausted adults try to chat peacefully, as preschoolers on a sugar rush run laps around them.
Trent shuts the door and waves hello to a few of the parents he recognizes. He gets a couple of hugs from a little girl and a peck from KATE (late 30s).
KATE You’re late.
TRENT The meeting ran long, baby. You know it’s crunch time right now. You hate me?
Kate playfully turns away.
TRENT Do ya? Do you hate me? Cause you know I worship you. Honey?
Kate relents.
KATE Just get me a drink, dingus.
He scans the yard and his eyes land at the far end of the yard, on an adult covered in water colour paint, who pretends he is Godzilla for a bunch of screaming 5 year olds. This is ROBERT (30s). Trent pecks Kate and menacingly walks towards Robert.
As Robert growls and knocks over some kids’ magnatile skyscraper, he locks eyes with a fast-approaching Trent.
ROBERT Oh poop.
The preschoolers giggle and attack “Godzilla” with their “bombs”, pretending they’re little planes themselves. Robert growls, and now “mortally wounded” makes for the kitchen. He looks back to make sure no kids or anybody else follows him.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
All alone, Robert pours himself some water from the cooler, and tries to stable his breath. He clocks the paint on him.
Trent enters and Robert gestures to him to shut the door.
ROBERT Anyone see you?
Trent shuts the door and all the party sounds out behind him.
TRENT What’s with the fucking games?
ROBERT You know why. We have to be careful. I cannot be seen with you.
Trent laughs.
TRENT I’m at your fucking party. I mean, you literally invited me here.
ROBERT Yeah cause you’re a parent, a husband. Not as a-
TRENT I don’t have time for your bullshit right now. Are we doing this or not?
Trent takes a step towards him. Robert looks around worried.
ROBERT I’m not… I was thinking, maybe we should talk about this some more.
TRENT What’s there to discuss? You either want this, or you don’t. So for the last time, do you want this?
He seems agitated.
ROBERT I thought I did… This is all so new to me.
Trent softens a little. He takes another step forward.
TRENT I’ll take care of you.
Robert carefully weighs his next words.
ROBERT Yeah maybe. But then, what happens when…
TRENT When what?
Robert hesitates.
ROBERT What if I fuck it all up?
TRENT You won’t. You’ll be just fine.
ROBERT It just doesn’t feel right. Like, I’m shooting myself in the foot.
TRENT You can still join the guild. One day soon. Once this is all past us.
ROBERT But if I give you this script, then I’m scabbing. And they won’t ever let me in. Not after that.
Trent ups the charm.
TRENT Who’s gonna know? I won’t tell, if you don’t.
He smiles.
ROBERT How so? They will find out. Eventually. No? And they will never let me in. Not if I cross the picket line. You know that.
TRENT Look. These deals take time. Nobody needs to know when you gave this to me. We have no paper trail, I took care of it.
ROBERT I have not given this to you.
TRENT Exactly. Or maybe you did. Six weeks ago? A year ago. Who cares? They don’t need to know. Right?
Robert tries to walk towards the door.
ROBERT I don’t know. I need more time.
Trent grabs his hand.
TRENT Robert. There is no time. These fuckers are shutting down everything. Left and right. They’re gonna fuck themselves in the ass. We own them, and they know it. Without our cash, all they have is just words on a page. That’s worthless. They’re worthless.
Robert yanks his hand away from Trent’s grasp. Furious.
Trent clocks this. He tries again.
TRENT But you’re not. Listen. You’re sitting on a billion dollar idea. It’s genius. You’re a genius. And all you have to do is give it to me. My boss is creaming his pants right now. Waiting for me as we speak. He plans to reward you. Handsomely.
Trent vaguely gestures at Robert’s outfit.
TRENT Do you really wanna be a preschool teacher all your life?
ROBERT I’m also an actor. I’m a fucking SAG actor, Trent, a union man. And I could be in the WGA too, someday. I don’t wanna fuck my future before it even starts.
Trent nods in agreement.
TRENT You’re an amazing actor. And a truly awesome writer. You want to showrun your own vehicle–you gotta get your foot in the door somehow. You don’t belong in a fucking preschool, dealing with rich, psychotic parents like these people.
Trent gestures to the back yard.
Robert finds this extra amusing.
ROBERT You’re a rich, psychotic parent. Your child is a fucking nightmare, and you didn’t even come to the meeting we set up with Kate.
Trent wants to try yet another approach.
TRENT Yeah I’m too fucking important to be dealing with all that shit right now. You don’t understand the pressure I’m under. You think Kate’s gonna go and make those deals while I’m at Becky’s preschool, playing cooking class?
Robert wants to protest, but Trent is fast.
TRENT Do you want to be stuck here playing cooking class with a bunch of toddlers all day long? Do you like making minimum wage instead of getting paid millions for your genius ideas?
ROBERT I make 17 dollars an hour. Plus benefits.
He knows he’s defeated. And Trent knows he’s won.
TRENT Come on Bobby. Let’s just do this. Let’s make you fucking rich. And I’ll make sure nobody finds out until the strike is over. We’ll pretend you just gave me the script then. What do you say? Come on bud.
Robert relents and walks down the corridor. Trent follows.
INT. SENSORY GYM – DAY
Trent enters the room and behind him, Robert locks the door. He turns to a group of 25-30 preschoolers with rubber wrenches. Eyes locked on Robert, their utter silence is eerie.
ROBERT Hey friends! Remember when Gwyneth Poultry died because she choked on a cigarette butt that someone left near her coop?
Robert lamely points his thumb at Trent. Preschoolers fix their gaze on Trent.
TRENT What the fuck? I don’t even smoke!
The kids recoil at the “F” word. Trent knows he fucked up.
ROBERT Remember what we practiced? 1, 2, 3, go for the knee!
The children attack Trent with the viciousness of a thousand tiny Mongol armies.
Trent tries his best to dodge the hits, but they are way too many, and he is but one.
The hits force him to curl up on the floor, and as the vicious little psychopaths have at him with no mercy, he looks up at Robert.
ROBERT You think chatGPT can write this?
Trent screams. But the children’s screams are louder.
Robert smiles and dances around like the preschool teacher version of Pennywise. Fuck the studios.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by Yannis Zafeiriou.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by
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Unless I’m mistaken, I think we’re supposed to post the final rewrite under forum/lesson 7, in order to exchange more detailed critique with anyone interested. So that’s where I put mine! Feel free to hit me up, if you wanna trade!
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Yanni Writes a Scene Using 9 Max Interest Techniques – First Draft.
——————————————————————–
EXT. SMALL RESIDENTIAL PARKING LOT – DAY
TRENT (early 40s) slams the door of his shiny, black SUV, which causes the front hubcap to fall off. Godammit.
He grabs a wrench from the trunk, and carefully screws it back on. He checks his face and tie in the mirror.
Then he opens the door of a tall privacy fence, and the sounds of a raucous party get louder.
EXT. BOUGIE PRESCHOOL YARD – DAY
The party is mixed. Exhausted adults try to chat peacefully, as preschoolers on a sugar rush run laps around them.
Trent shuts the door and waves hello to a few of the parents he recognizes. He gets a couple of hugs from a little girl and a peck from KATE (late 30s).
KATE You’re late.
TRENT The meeting ran long, baby. You know it’s crunch time right now. You hate me?
Kate playfully turns away.
TRENT Do ya? Do you hate me? Cause you know I worship you. Honey?
Kate relents.
KATE Just get me a drink, dingus.
He scans the yard and his eyes land at the far end of the yard, on an adult covered in water colour paint, who pretends he is Godzilla for a bunch of screaming 5 year olds. This is ROBERT (30s). Trent pecks Kate and walks towards Robert.
As Robert growls and knocks over some kids’ magnatile skyscraper, he locks eyes with a fast-approaching Trent.
ROBERT Oh poop.
The preschoolers giggle as Robert gets up and makes for the kitchen. He looks back to make sure nobody else follows him.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
All alone, Robert pours himself some water from the cooler, and tries to stable his breath. He clocks the paint on him.
Trent enters and Robert gestures to him to shut the door.
ROBERT Make sure nobody saw you.
Trent shuts the door and all the party sounds out behind him.
TRENT What’s with the fucking games?
ROBERT You know why. We have to be careful. I cannot be seen with you.
Trent laughs.
TRENT I’m at your fucking party. I mean, you literally invited me here.
ROBERT Yeah cause you’re a parent. Not as a-
TRENT I don’t have time for your bullshit right now. You wanna do this or not?
Trent takes a step towards him. Robert looks around worried.
ROBERT I’m not… I was thinking, maybe we should talk about this some more.
TRENT What’s there to discuss? You either want this or not. Do you want it?
He seems agitated.
ROBERT I thought I did… I’m having some thoughts. This is all new to me.
Trent softens a little. He takes another step forward.
TRENT This will set you up for life.
Robert carefully weighs his next words.
ROBERT Yeah maybe. But then, what happens when…
TRENT When what?
Robert hesitates.
ROBERT What if I fuck it all up?
TRENT You won’t. You’ll be just fine.
ROBERT It was my dream to join the union.
TRENT You can still join. One day soon? When the strike is over? Sure.
ROBERT But if I give you this script, then I’m scabbing. And they won’t ever let me in. Not after that.
Trent ups the charm.
TRENT Who’s gonna know? I won’t tell, if you don’t.
He smiles.
ROBERT How so? They will find out. Eventually. No? And they will never let me in. Not if I cross the picket line. You know that.
TRENT Look. These deals take time. Nobody knows when you gave this to me.
ROBERT I have not given this to you.
TRENT Exactly. Or maybe you did. Six weeks ago? A year ago. Who cares? They don’t need to know. Right?
Robert tries to walk towards the door.
ROBERT I don’t know. I need more time.
Trent grabs his hand.
TRENT Robert. There is no time. These fuckers are shutting down everything. Left and right. They’re gonna fuck themselves in the ass. We own them, and they know it. Without our cash, all they have is just words on a page. That’s worthless. They’re worthless.
Robert yanks his hand away from Trent’s grasp. Furious.
Trent clocks this. He tries again.
TRENT But you’re not. Listen. You’re sitting on a billion dollar idea. And all you have to do is give it to me. My boss is creaming his pants right now. Waiting for me as we speak. He plans to reward you. Handsomely.
Trent vaguely gestures at Robert’s outfit.
TRENT Do you really wanna be a preschool teacher all your life?
ROBERT I’m also an actor. I’m a fucking SAG actor, Trent. And I’m only just inches away from joining the WGA as well. Don’t wanna fuck my future before it begins.
Trent nods in agreement.
TRENT You’re an amazing actor. And a truly awesome writer. You don’t belong in a fucking preschool, dealing with rich, psychotic parents like these people.
Trent gestures to the back yard.
Robert finds this extra amusing.
ROBERT You’re also a rich, psychotic parent. Your child is a fucking nightmare. And you never even come to the school meetings we set up with Kate.
Trent wants to try yet another approach.
TRENT Yeah I’m too fucking important to be dealing with all that shit right now. You don’t understand the pressure I’m under. You think Kate’s gonna go and make those deals while I’m at Becky’s preschool, playing cooking class?
Robert wants to protest, but Trent is fast.
TRENT Do you want to be stuck here playing cooking class with a bunch of toddlers all day long? Do you like making minimum wage instead of getting paid millions for your genius ideas?
ROBERT I make 17 dollars an hour. Plus benefits.
He knows he’s defeated. And Trent knows he’s won.
TRENT Come on Bobby. Let’s just do this. Let’s make you fucking rich. And I’ll make sure nobody finds out until the strike is over. We’ll pretend you just gave me the script then. What do you say? Come on bud.
Robert relents and walks down the corridor. Trent follows.
INT. SENSORY GYM – DAY
Trent enters the room and behind him, Robert locks the door. He turns to a group of 25-30 preschoolers with rubber wrenches.
ROBERT Hey friends! Remember when Gwyneth Poultry died because she choked on a cigarette butt that someone left near her coop?
Robert lamely points his thumb at Trent.
TRENT What the fuck? I don’t even smoke!
The kids recoil at the “F” word. Trent knows he fucked up.
ROBERT Remember what we practiced? 1, 2, 3, go for the knee!
The children attack Trent with the viciousness of a thousand tiny Mongol armies.
Trent tries his best to dodge the hits, but they are way too many, and he is but one.
The hits force him to curl up on the floor, and as the vicious little psychopaths have at him with no mercy, he looks up at Robert.
ROBERT You think chatGPT can write this?
Trent screams but the children’s screams are louder.
Robert smiles and dances around like the preschool teacher version of Pennywise. Fuck the studios.
-
Yanni Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that using Maximum Interest techniques elevates the scene, even when it drastically changes it.
Original Logline: Avi counsels a patient at the LGBTQ+ Mental Health Center not to forgive his own family.
Essence: Avi hasn’t forgiven his family, nor does he intend to. It’s his blind spot.
Avi’s core traits: Extremely Protective, Very resentful, Witty and Judgmental.
I felt the scene was boring and even trite. I decided to use three Max Interest techniques to stay true to the essence, demonstrate Avi’s core traits (as an extreme character) and elevate the quality of the scene.
Interest techniques used:
Put in a more interesting setting: At a park a child flies his drone into him.
Suspense: The kid seems terrified of his dad. The dad seems menacing, especially as he tries to force the child to apologize. As Avi sticks up for the child, we’re not sure how this encounter will end and we’re held in suspense first for the sake of the child, and then for Avi’s sake.
Surprise: Avi’s advice doesn’t seem very healthy or objective. He’s like, “oh you don’t need to apologize, you never have to apologize just because your dad says to”. This isn’t a response anyone would likely expect from a person who go hit with a drone. Furthermore, Avi sticking up for the child instigates a fight, and then, as he sticks up for himself, he gets punched by the dad.
New Logline: Avi steps in to protect a child and gets punched as a result.
Here is the scene, rewritten:
EXT. NYC PARK – DAY
Drone shots of an NYC park. The drone darts between trees and settles on Avi (now in his 30s, puts the fun in dysfunction) who reads a book on the grass. The drone hovers above him, observing him, watching… until it slams right into him.
AVI
Oh fuck!
Avi looks majorly ticked off.
He grabs the drone before it escapes, and holds it hostage. Sure enough the culprit arrives, controller in hand, tail between his legs: a 10yo BOY.
Avi softens, but the boy is frantic.
BOY
Ohmigod sir, I’m sorry! I’m SO sorry!
AVI
It’s OK, I-
BOY
I’m sorry! I really didn’t mean to. I’m gonna be in so much trouble!
From a distance a MAN (40s, fuming) approaches.
MAN
Goddammit! What did I say about this fucking drone?
BOY
(pleading, to AVI)
Please sir, tell him I said sorry.
The man arrives and yanks the boy’s arm towards him.
AVI
Woah.
(to the man)
It was clearly an accident.
The boy is confused.
MAN
Tell the man you’re sorry, Jacob.
BOY
Sorry…
Avi ignores the man, and gets down on Jacob’s level.
AVI
Don’t apologize for something just because your parents say to.
He offers the drone back to the boy, but the man grabs it so abruptly it falls on the ground.
AVI
That’s mature. Great role model, dad.
The boy smiles. The man gets right in Avi’s face.
MAN
You’re a fuckin piece of work, aren’t you.
AVI
You should apologize to your child. You nearly broke his drone.
MAN
Mind your fucking business.
The man violently grabs the boy’s hand and walks away.
AVI
Hey Jake? In ten years when you’re looking for a therapist, look me up.
MAN
Go fuck yourself, faggot.
AVI
Will do, you fucking piece of shit.
Avi turns and begins to collect his things.
MAN (O.S.)
Hey!
Avi looks up to see the man.
The man punches Avi directly in the face.
-
Yanni Profiles People
(and learns to be a little less judgmental)
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that people are a lot less complicated than I think they usually are. I tend to fixate on behaviours that aren’t their core traits, ie fixate on unpleasant interactions that may not reflect who they are at their core. Testing them in different scenarios led to surprising results, e.g. someone I thought of as an “extreme bad guy” turned out to be a “regular good guy” and one person who I thought was an “extreme bad guy” turned out to be an “extreme good person.” Interestingly enough, with the third person I tested, I thought they would be an “extreme bad guy” so I tried adding many positive traits, but the testing confirmed my original hypothesis. The most crucial part of this exercise is definitely testing them out in different scenarios. Additionally, people have so many more than 4 core traits, so when writing, we could take the same character and bend them to be either good or bad depending on which traits we focus on. We can also make them more extreme by amping up a certain characteristic, which makes them more interesting/guides their behaviour more.
Person 1: Generous, Caring, Complimentary, Narcissistic. I thought she would be an “extreme bad guy” but she turned out to be a “Regular Good Guy” because many of the negative traits I tested (selfish, manipulative, etc.) didn’t persist in all scenarios.
Person 2: Generous, Caring, Martyr, Obsessive. Extreme Good Guy. However, if I substituted “Overly Critical” for one of her positive core traits, I could paint her (as a character) as an Extreme Bad Guy.
Person 3: Generous, Obsessive, Melodramatic, Charming. My hypothesis was that he would be an Extreme Bad Guy, so I tested multiple positive traits that he also has, but they didn’t persist in every scenario. So my initial hypothesis stands.
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Yanni Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is that two wildly different scenes can fulfill the same essence. It is extremely difficult to pinpoint the true essence of a scene–there can be so many different options, but it takes interrogating your own work to distill the true essence.
Script I choose: UNTITLED HORROR FEATURE
Scene 1 Location: Opening Scene
Logline: Avi is masturbating in his bedroom when he is interrupted by his siblings fighting, which leads to him catching his dad cheating on his mom.
Essence I’ve discovered: Not only is this scene the root of his trauma, it also must set the rules for the imminent supernatural danger (ie the villain.)
New Logline: Avi is secretly studying a forbidden religious text which explains the origins of a supernatural entity when he is interrupted by his siblings fighting. His mother goes into labor, and he catches his father cheating on her with his patient.Scene 2 Location: Near Beginning of Act 1
Logline: Avi and his boyfriend are at brunch with their friends and they discuss his strained relationship with his family.
Essence I’ve discovered: It’s crucial that we show Avi’s fatal character flaw, which is that he hasn’t forgiven his family for his childhood trauma.
New Logline: Avi is counseling a patient at the LGBTQ Health Center and tells them that “not everyone deserves your forgiveness.” Avi states the essence of the film, which is that he has to learn forgiveness for his family, as well as for himself.Scene 3 Location: Little before Act 2
Logline: Avi and his boyfriend, Ben, drive to his mother’s funeral talking about the rules of the formal mourning process to come after the funeral.
Essence I’ve discovered: Ben has to understand why Avi is so hesitant to go to the funeral, so that their own relationship is on solid ground, before they have to deal with the supernatural entity together.New Logline: Avi and his boyfriend, Ben, drive to his mother’s funeral talking about the rules of the formal mourning process to come after the funeral. Avi explains the reasons why his family doesn’t deserve to know Ben, even though Ben wants to support Avi during the funeral and mourning process.
Scene 4 Location: Right before Act 2
Logline: At the funeral, Avi’s sister convinces him to join them for the formal mourning process. He begrudgingly agrees to stay and participate in the rest of the formal mourning, because it was his mother’s dying wish.Essence I’ve discovered: At the funeral, Avi realizes that there is more bonding him to his siblings than separating him from them, so he agrees to stay and participate in the rest of the formal mourning.
New Logline: Even though Avi is not ready to forgive his family, he is willing to step into the fire to rekindle his connection with his siblings.Scene 5 Location: Right before Act 3
Logline: After the death of their father, the siblings finally believe Avi’s assertion that there is a demon in the house.
Essence I’ve discovered: Now that the four siblings have experienced this together, they are united again in their mourning.
New Logline: Following the death of their father, the four siblings bond over the extent of their common experience. Forced to get over their differences, they must unite to defeat the demon. -
Yanni Finds the Essence
What I learned is that the search for the essence in a profound movie reveals all those places in the script that are the most essential building blocks of the entire movie’s essence. Also, very importantly, a lot of the essence in this script in particular is made almost explicit in the writing itself, i.e. the Daniels often use a combination of Action Description and Dialogue to state the essence clearly and not very subtly.
Script I choose: Everything Everywhere All At Once
Scene 1 Location: Early in First Act
Logline: Joy introduces her girlfriend Becky to Gong Gong, her grandfather, while her mom, Evelyn, covers up the fact that Becky is her girlfriend.
Essence: Evelyn is uncomfortable with the fact that her daughter is queer and Joy is disappointed that her mom hides her sexuality.Scene 2 Location: Late in Third act
Logline: Evelyn finally stands up to her father and introduces Becky as Joy’s girlfriend.
Essence: Evelyn refuses to treat her daughter the way her father treats her.Scene 3 Location: Early in Third Act
Logline: Evelyn and Joy are rocks in a universe where humans never evolved and they have a deep conversation about being inconsequential in the universe.
Essence: Even though they are both rocks, they somehow manage to get a little closer to each other, both physically and emotionally, by realizing how small all humans are in the universe.Scene 4 Location: Almost the end of the movie
Logline: Evelyn tells Joy that she disappoints her, but wants to be with her anyway.
Essence: Evelyn and Joy are extremely vulnerable with each other and choose to be in the same universe at the same time, for as little or as long as they can.Scene 5 Location: 21 pages before the end of the movie
Logline: Evelyn sees Waymond in various universes and in various emotional states. The Movie Star Universe version of Waymond tells her that “in another life, [he] would have “really liked just doing laundry and taxes” with her.
Essence: Evelyn finally remembers why and how much she loves Waymond.My selection for most profound essence:
101 BACK IN THE IRS:
EVELYN
It’s too late, Waymond.WAYMOND Don’t say that.
Evelyn looks at her bleeding selfless husband like she’s never seen something so beautiful. MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY. [The same romantic music from the Movie Star Universe when she saw Waymond in the crowd.]
101-2 TAXES UNIVERSE: INT. LAUNDROMAT – Evelyn’s stare lingers before she turns away from the Bagel and hugs Waymond hard.
101 ACTION UNIVERSE: Evelyn takes Waymond’s hand, we hear a RUMBLE begin to grow. Evelyn looks at him and we reveal-
101-3/4/5 VARIOUS UNIVERSES: Abstract and delicate shots of Waymond throughout the multiverse: He is ecstatic, overwhelmed, crying while laughing, bored. Evelyn is seeing a whole, complete vision of her husband for the first time since she first fell in love, maybe ever. We end on-
102 MOVIE STAR UNIVERSE: EXT. MOVIE THEATER ALLEY
WAYMOND (CEO)
儘管你一再讓我心碎，我還是想告訴你
…如果有來生，我還是會選擇和你一起
開洗衣店，報稅。
WAYMOND (CEO)
So, even though you have broken my heart yet again, I wanted to say… In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.
He turns to go.
Essence: Evelyn finally remembers why and how much she loves Waymond.
I think this is the essence of the scene because it’s how I feel every time I watch it or even read it (it always makes me tear up). It reminds me that we often focus on the “big moments” in life to gauge how we are doing and feeling about the meaning of our life, when in truth (and in my experience), it is the most mundane and almost imperceptible moments that make up the true meaning of life. And being aware of those moments as they happen can be life-changing. Certainly remembering them all collectively is life-changing for Evelyn at this moment in the script, which I also think is the essence of this entire movie/screenplay.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Yannis Zafeiriou.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by
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Yannis Zafeiriou,
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Hi there everyone!
I’m a filmmaker (writer, director, editor), and also very excited to be here.
Have written several short screenplays, a pilot, and two features (though currently working on more).
I hope to learn all the different ways in which I can increase the quality of my writing, and develop tools to better collaborate with producers and their notes.
I’m originally from Athens, Greece, and I’ve been living and working in LA since 2011. I also have a thing for penguins, but it’s strictly platonic, I promise 🙂
Looking forward to learning (and working!) with all of you,
Yanni
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Thought you did a great job with the interest techniques. I think you could put more work into incorporating all of the core traits more often instead of focusing on one or two. And yeah, the “covertly competitive” aspect of Nancy’s subtext is very hard to show. I think some of it is dependent on the actor’s performance and the directing, rather than the writing. But I could be wrong.
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Thanks Jeremy. Which interest techniques would you say are missing?
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Love this scene! The only tiny comment I have is the “covertly” part of Nancy’s subtext. I struggled with that too. It’s hard to insinuate being competitive, rather than showing it openly. Also, I think a lot of it might actually come from the actor’s choices for delivery. So there’s that too. Great job. I see all of the interest techniques as well!
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This is an excellent scene! Love the dialogue and the way you write action always leaves me in awe. Part of me also hopes this story is in the same “cinematic universe” as the one from my own scenes hahahahaha Great job!
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This is a very interesting story. Really kept me guessing. If I was to add one note, it’s that I didn’t really feel the comedy vibe so much. Had I not read it in your own critique I wouldn’t really have thought this was supposed to be comedic. I wonder if there is a way to up th humour a little somehow? Good job overall though. I could see a lot of the techniques in use here.
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This scene brims with atmosphere! Well done! I think some of the dialogue feels a little too expositional/on the nose, gives us way too much information. If you could withhold some of it, keep us guessing, until all is revealed at the end, it would make for an even more gripping scene I believe.
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Good, tense writing Alfred. I really enjoyed the pizza-like description hahaha.. My only minor note would be to maybe try and insert a little more subtext to your dialogue. As it is now it works just fine, but if there was a way to make it clearer to the audience that one of them is clearly lying, I feel the suspense would grow dramatically!
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Thank you! Horror is really a very challenging genre! Especially with writing believable children characters,
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Thank you so much for the kind words. Yes, these are all excellent ideas. It’s just amazing just how many different ways these scenes can go, right?
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Thank you Alfred! Yeah I do want the girl to stay 5. Otherwise the entire premise of the “bath time” scene doesn’t really hold together. Look at what I responded to Brenda above. I made an assumption that they were playing hide and seek. But I don’t know how to communicate that info in this standalone scene (without including the previous scene to this where they play the game), without adding a ton of obvious and very awkward exposition. Oof! All ideas welcome! 😂
And yes, it is constantly fascinating how everyone interprets these prompts differently!
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Thank you Brenda! The age of the girl is definitely an issue to think about. I don’t want her to be older because otherwise the entire premise of the scene about the bath doesn’t make sense.
I worked under the assumption that the babysitter had somehow gotten into the hamper herself (playing hide and seek or something similar) and that Nic had offed her in there. There is no way to show this in this particular scene or even hint at it. Unfortunately that’s part of us writing a single scene and keep it self-contained. We have to work under the assumption that there are at least a couple of things that *can* be inferred, through suspension of disbelief. I know that’s not the best answer to that issue (and I did spend a lot of time thinking about it and how it would work), but I needed her to be in the hamper for the premise to work.
You’re absolutely right, it IS a horror scene (even though it exists in the same “universe” as my previous scene with the preschoolers beating up the Studio Producer Trent under the guidance of their teacher Robert (Bobby).
You make a great point about her history of violence (I cheated a little by utilizing that previous scene, but I think I also added enough exposition to contextualize her history in this self-contained scene). So she got the idea after beating up Trent, so she has developed a taste for blood, so to speak, even though Trent is in the hospital and not dead. You definitely make a great point about how her dad would feel and I struggle with how much of that to give him or not. His trait is “DISTRUSTFUL” but also “LOYAL”. So I do think he would be adequately suspicious of her (which I tried to show), but then the question is how much would his “LOYALTY” to her blind him from seeing what she has become? Especially since she is 5 and clearly “GIVING” and “CONNIVING”. Enough to kill a person.
I don’t know the best answer to that, and it IS confusing a little, for the theme. My solution was to treat it with the similar attitude that parents also have so often in horror films: They have a warning that something is off with their kid, but they definitely have elements of denial because of their love/loyalty to them, so they’re willing to disregard a LOT of their suspicious behaviour. I can’t tell you how many times I myself yell at parents in horror films for doing this exact thing, but it IS a kind of a trope for the genre. So that is what I opted for. You are definitely right though, if we were to try and make this scene perfect (is such a thing even exists), this is an issue that must be refined.
I don’t exactly know how to do this. I’m still struggling with showing all the core traits, the subtext AND as many interest techniques as I can fit into a scene, so I’m hoping if I keep at it, I’ll get better at this sort of thing! Thank you so much for these comments! Extremely useful! Definitely open to suggestions!
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Thank you Lynn! The age of the girl is definitely an issue to think about. I don’t want her to be older because otherwise the entire premise of the scene about the bath doesn’t make sense.
I worked under the assumption that the babysitter had somehow gotten into the hamper herself (playing hide and seek or something similar) and that Nic had offed her in there. There is no way to show this in this particular scene or even hint at it. Unfortunately that’s part of us writing a single scene and keep it self-contained. We have to work under the assumption that there are at least a couple of things that *can* be inferred, through suspension of disbelief. I know that’s not the best answer to that issue (and I did spend a lot of time thinking about it and how it would work), but I needed her to be in the hamper for the premise to work.
I added that clarification (that John didn’t see the body) in my second draft after watching the video critique (see forum lesson 10), so good catch!!!
As far as who killed Stephanie, I mean, I did a whole lot of work to show through Nic’s behaviour and actions that she already knew the body was in there and was the culprit. When I first wrote the line of dialogue, I did mention the babysitting, but then in real life people don’t just give random exposition when they talk to each other. In this world, they all know who Stephanie is, and Nic says she’s the one who would “come play with me”. I feel like the dad wouldn’t randomly use the word babysitter, and Nic certainly wouldn’t.
I think again, the key with a lot of these scenes as we struggle to keep them entertaining and realistic, is to suspend our disbelief a little, considering we have no earlier or follow-up scenes and the information that comes with them will have to be worked out from the context. I don’t want to be one of those writers who has their characters constantly blurt out exposition, for the sake of clarity. I *want* the audience to do a tiny little bit of the work to figure things out, especially in a horror scene. Thank you for all those points though! Definitely given me a ton to think about!😊
Please look at the new scene I wrote (in forum lesson 10), where I reworked the scene after watching the video critique. It’s my 2nd draft! Would LOVE to hear your comments on the new version.
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Below is the scene we’re all going to write for this second QE cycle and the schedule. But first…
Quick note about the process:
I’ve read the group’s scenes and I’m impressed with the amount of improvement you’ve shown. While there is still a ways to go before we’re all professional, we are getting there in great leaps.
I want to see this group become successful as fast as you do — and I believe that can happen.
Now, there is a few tips:
Do every QE Cycle.
If you just keep doing this, your writing will improve every time.
Use the skills as much as you can.
This about learning, expanding, and getting comfortable with these skills at the level that the show “Lost” was written. If you feel uncomfortable, then you are pushing your own boundaries and will soon be a better writer because of it.
Consistent participation is far more important than quality.
You still have permission to post shit. Enough said.
Strive for quality, but don’t stress out about it.
Ultimately, this process is going to elevate your quality, but this isn’t about adding stress to your life. More important, this isn’t about adding stress as a component of how you write. If you find yourself stressing out, just relax and enjoy the process.
Stay with it even after you feel you are the best you can be.
The practice after you reach the “best I can be” mark is what locks your best skill level in. When it comes to training, I’ve seen thousands of people get to their best and then stop learning because they thought they had arrived. The result is always the same; their skill level gradually lowers.
Instead, when you hit what you consider your best, I’d like you to keep doing the process so you can accomplish two goals — first, locking in the current “best” and second, discovering how you can become even better. The road to becoming the best in the World is filled with “personal bests” followed by the realization that you can do even better and the renewed effort to reach a new personal best.
THE SCHEDULE:
DAY 15: You receive the scene below to write using the Max Entertainment skills you’ve learned so far. You have two days to do this.
DAY 16: I’ll post a critique of one scene from the original PS Alumni group. In it, I’ll point out what I like, what needs improvement, and some recommendations to write at a professional level. Watch the video critique and take what you’ve learned from all of this process TO REWRITE your scene, and post it. Make sure you shoot for having your scene be better than the video critiqued scene. You’ll have a day to do this.
IMPORTANT: As you saw, doing this rewrite is an extremely valuable part of the QE process. It is where you take what you’ve learned and cement it into your skill set. So make sure you do this part.
DAY 17: Exchange critiques with at least one person in the group. You have three days for this.
As you go through this process, look for breakthroughs. Those could show up as you write the scene while focusing on the PTE skills, when you read the other’s work, when you see my critique, as you rewrite your scene, and/or as you exchange critiques.
Have fun writing the scene and enjoy the breakthroughs that come with it.
Hal
ASSIGNMENT:
INSTRUCTIONS: Using the PTE techniques (Essence, character traits, and interest techniques), write a 2 – 5 page scene and post it.
Use the Skill Mastery Sheet I’ve provided to make sure you use all the skills. Whether it feels natural or not, find a way to get ALL of each character’s traits into the dialogue and have their subtext show up — in dialogue and/or action.
When you post your scene, use the following format:
LOGLINE: (fill in the logline for your scene)
ESSENCE: (tell us what you believe the essence to be)
SCENE: (post scene here)
And now…
————————-Begin Scene Description—————
SITUATION: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
JOHN
Traits - Daring - Distrustful - Loyal - Loner Subtext: John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.NICK
Traits - Confident - Conniving - Rebellious - Giving Subtext: Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.NOTE: If you want to display the actual fight, that is fine, but the ESSENCE of this scene should have to do with the cat and mouse game of gathering the info.
————————-End Scene Description—————
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I still love how satisfying the beating is at the end, and how methodically you get to it! Very strong techniques and traits!!
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My favourite part is your ending, defending Rome with a literal punch in the nose! Fantastic scene and use of so many interest techniques and traits. I also still adore how you changed the names (a tiny bit of breaking the rules, so to speak), which has inspired me to do so in the current exercise we’re writing! Sometimes we all get caught up in the *rules* we follow, and I think it’s super liberating to break through and remember that when we write… the sky is the limit. And, insofar as these exercises go in our learning environment, budgets do not apply!!!
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Leah I love horror and I love your scene. Great character traits and multiple techniques used here! Great job! I have a couple of minor minor points for you, as suggestions. One is the same thing I said to Alfred above about me finding the techniques listed in the screenplay as distracting. You might want to post the scene clean, and then underneath it, reply/post it again with all the techniques included, so that we can look at it as a learning tool. But just like I said to Alfred, that’s just my taste, so feel free to ignore me! 🙂
The other minor detail I’d like you to consider (based on my extended working relationship with actors) is the amount of “direction” you give to your characters in your action descriptions. Take for example this little excerpt:
“His forehead breaks out in a sweat as he hears the mingle of celebratory music and happy voices. When the happy birthday song begins, his face turns ashen. When the song ends, his breath shortens. His eyes widen with fear…”
I understand we all need to convey various details in our scenes, but in the future, when an actor reads this description, they’re very likely to be turned off by how much physical detail they see on the page. Actors, like all artists, like to contribute their creativity, and their character decisions. When they read something like this, they feel like they’re treated like puppets, if you know what I mean, because someone is dictating their every move, even the way they breathe. So unless the physical action you are describing is absolutely necessary for the plot to move forward in that particular way (e.g. you really need him to put his ear on the door a certain way), I’d try to limit the amount of detail, especially when you’re describing complicated emotions. The way one actor might interpret “trepidation” might be very different and in fact much more inventive that you had envisioned and put on the page. So why deprive yourself of what creative input the actor can bring to it and *limit* them to “widen their eyes with fear”? Know what I mean? Just something to think about 🙂
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Good scene Alfred! Lots of techniques used to elevate the interest! Some of your choices for intrigue seem like “Suspense” to me, but that’s not really a huge issue.
But that’s the problem with including these terms in your final scene: They can be a little too distracting to me, and keep reminding me that this is an exercise. Yes, I realize the absurdity of this statement considering we’re all participating in this exercise, but whenever *I* read a script, I really want the story and the dialogue to carry me forward, and not to be reminded that this is a screenwriting document (it’s the same reason I don’t like it when people use camera or editing directions in their screenplay). I know we are all in a class though, so it is to be expected that we’re all trying different things.
But perhaps it might be useful to post your scene clean, and then maybe underneath it, reply/repost it with all those techniques highlighted, so we can choose to look into it as a learning tool. Just an idea. Feel free to ignore it and do whatever works best for you though!
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Thank you so much Brian! Glad you enjoyed it and that you caught all my Easter eggs hahahaha
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This is a cool scene! I love the core traits you demonstrated very clearly, the strong characters and your interest techniques. One note, which you know already, is that I would work more on the dialogue to help it become more natural and less “on the nose”. Other than that, it’s come a long way!
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David this is such an amazing piece of characterization. Each voice is very clear in my head, the core traits, the subtext, the wonderful spoken dialogue that just effortlessly flows (the trick you have mastered is to make this look effortless in the first place hahaha). I think you used all of the assignment techniques? Even the Dramatic Irony that I struggled with. Bravo! I don’t really have any critique. Only what might be a fun idea (which ironically I got from your own set-up). Might be worth considering. You know where you say “Trent dons a $5,000 designer suit, flaunting his (alleged) wealth”? I thought it might be fun if you have him also intentionally flash a Rolex or something, and then later in the scene Robert can make a snarky comment about it possibly being a fake, but by saying something that would make him sound stupid to the audience’s eyes. For example he could maybe joke about the watch’s battery (which Rolex watches famously don’t have). So he could come across as stupid, and Trent would also come across as a fake (cause if this was a Rolex there wouldn’t be a battery). But only to people in the audience that already know about this little detail. It might be like a fun mini-easter egg or something, for those in the know. Kinda appropriate, given the nature of the scene 🤣 It doesn’t have to be this exact detail, but something similar. I always LOVE finding those hidden tiny details in a script/movie and feel so smug knowing I noticed them!
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Leah thank you so much for the compliments! As far as gates and doors, honestly I have no idea! English is my second language and sometimes, I get thrown off by all these mundane little tidbits of information that native speakers take for granted hahaha So… you definitely know best! I’ll keep it in mind for the future 🙂
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David thank you for all the kind words! It’s great to hear you feel that way. And yeah, wow, what a great idea of how I could improve that scene tenfold! Now why didn’t I think of that?!?! 😂
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Hey Brenda! Yayyyyy! That makes me very happy to hear! Thank you so much 😍
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Hey Alfred! Thank you so much for taking the time to write this critique! I really appreciate it! I did struggle with the opening mini-scene, but I felt it was the right start to convey location and a crucial bit of characterization for Trent. I went back and forth about keeping it, and eventually decided that, yeah, it’s OK we’re in a learning environment, it’s not the end of the world if I keep it 🙂
Trent is not Bobby. Maybe the formatting makes it weird? I used it as a nickname Trent uses when he addresses Robert in one instance, in his seduction efforts. Hope that makes sense!
And finally, I totally agree with the avoiding of modern cliches like you said. In fact, usually the best advice preschool teachers give around bad words is to ignore them completely when a kid says them, because they tend to laser focus on them if we react to them as being something “bad”, and then they use it intentionally and repeatedly. Either way, I wanted to make it a part of both Trent’s core trait (he’s aggressive) and also have Robert know that he has a tendency to say these words AND that he has taught his preschoolers to overreact to hearing it. Almost like he’s programmed them into tiny “Manchurian candidates”, and it’s their trigger word to turn them all into little assassins 🙂 After an awesome comment from a fellow writer in this group, I also set up this behaviour earlier in the scene when Robert says “poop” and the preschoolers all attack him! So, I felt it was a good way to make that word be the main thing that triggers the avalanche of the tiny rubber wrenches, as a punishment for Trent’s potty mouth!😊
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Thank you so much! There is a lot of usefulness in getting credit for implementing changes, especially after I spend so much time hoping someone will actually notice them hahahaha! So I really appreciate it 🙂
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Awesome! I’ll read yours there again, and I will “strain my brain” to find even more constructive things to say, if I can come up with anything remotely resembling a critique! hahahaha
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David, fantastic dialogue! So many interest techniques and core traits coming through! You make spoken words sound so natural, that’s truly a rare talent!
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Great scene! It totally gave a whole new meaning to the words “ass kicking” hahaha Well done!
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Alfred, great flow, interest techniques and character traits. When I read that line you wrote “The Trent I know doesn’t make mistakes.”, it kinda blew my mind. This is such a great way to add exposition AND characterization while also making it seem fresh. It’s a very tricky thing to accomplish, because it can easily sound like “blah blah blah let me tell you a bunch of dense information about that guy and dump some exposition on you”, but you made it sound so natural and even intriguing!
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Lynn, I love how this scene is progressing. Strong character traits, subtext, dialogue and interest techniques! I especially love how your fight isn’t “just a fight”, but actually furthers the storytelling/narrative towards a surprising ending! That’s very inventive!
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Brenda, I like the strong characterization and core traits that are coming through in this!
I think it could potentially improve, if you worked on your subtext a little, and tried using some more conflicting dialogue and action. That way the reader might be even more intrigued about what’s happening, and might try to maintain focus and attention on trying to figure things out, instead of it being readily available to them.
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Angelina, this version flows a lot better!
I think you could greatly improve if you tried to include fewer complicated/in-depth descriptions of what happens inside your characters’ heads (i.e. their detailed thoughts). It’s easier if you simplify their feelings/thoughts through their actions and dialogue, especially if there is a strong subtext and their actions and words clash and betray their true thoughts. That way the reader can work out the character motives for themselves through the flow of all the things we can “see” and “hear” in the screenplay, instead of just reading them in the action descriptions.
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Great notes Brenda! On an aside, let’s all try to avoid saying things like ” He could look in the mirror, like a girl would, making sure he’s put together.” I think that in 2023, we can all agree that outdated cliches about gender roles and sexual orientation are no longer needed 🙂 Also, a pavlova is a really distinctive-looking cake, very well known, especially in Europe. You can tell just by looking at it, it’s very pretty.
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Thank you Leah! I appreciate that!
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Anna, I love this idea and will include it in my rewriting of the scene!! Thank you!
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Interesting scene. I don’t quite see the “from celebration” part of the story arc. Also, have you tried committing to writing in the present tense only? The use of the past tense in a lot of your action description could potentially throw off a reader and may come across as reading a novel instead of a screenplay.
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Not sure if you intended this to be funny or not, but I was extremely amused! (something about it reminded me of Monty Python’s Life of Brian, and I’m not only talking about the altered names you gave them hahahaha). Excellent and very entertaining! I think I only missed the “celebration” part where the scene situation was supposed to start from.
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Loved the way this scene unfolded methodically. It made the beating very satisfactory at the end. Which I know is such a fucked up thing to say hahahaha
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Really vivid setting/atmosphere and fantastic characterization. I felt like I really understood these folks.
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Fantastic dialogue. So natural and distinctive. The only thing I was wondering about was what was the “celebration” supposed to be at the beginning of the scene, as the assignment required. But other than that minor point, I really enjoyed it.
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I really enjoyed the situation and mood you created here. Kept me very interested. I think I would prefer a little more subtext to your characters, especially if their actions contradicted with their dialogue. That way I wouldn’t really see the result coming so easily. Of course, we all know where this is going in this exercise, but you know what I’m saying. I think it would increase the suspense and surprise of the scene. But I could totally see it in my head, and almost hear the sounds and feel like I was there!
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This is very tense, in a good way. I like it. If I was to offer some constructive feedback, I would say “tread carefully around exposition”. I struggle with that too, always giving too much information on the page, more than I need to. I really try to make my exposition more abstract (in a way similar to how people speak in real life), and try to give the characters an additional/alternative action during those moments where I *have* to share boring exposition. My goal is to trick the reader into figuring out some info from the context of the scene, or while struggling to keep up with other actions, so they don’t really notice all the boring information I need them to know. It’s a tough process and I for sure haven’t mastered it yet.
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Hey Brian! You’re right. It’s very difficult to read your scene in this form. Have you tried perhaps copying and pasting your text from your word-processing app into notepad or something similar before you re-copy it and paste it in here? It might work!
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Angelina, interesting premise. I think it would help the flow of the screenplay more if you pick a tense and stick with it. I suggest you stay with present tense only, so that the action flows in real time.
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OMG really? That’s a great idea! Thank you!
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Thank you Brenda! I tried. It’s really fascinating to see how many I could try and incorporate. On one hand it feels great to be able to do this, but on the other, I feel like doing this for every single scene in a film (or TV episode) would drive me insane. But perhaps that’s the whole point of what we’re trying to learn here? What do you think?
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Thank you Lynn! This is funny, almost all of my ideas where comedic in some shape or form. I must have been in a humorous state of mind!
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Thank you Jeremy! That’s a great question. I see it kind of in the same way we see characters on TV and movies being a certain way in the moment, i.e. committing to the “performance” of innocence (e.g. procedurals, mysteries etc.), and then when more evidence is *found* against them, there is a sudden change in their demeanour. In this case, Robert is “playing” Trent to make him think he’s won, and lull him into a sense of false security, so that he can go ahead with his “minions” plan he had all along. So he drops the act, when his plan succeeds. At least that was my intention while writing it. Not sure if I need to make that more obvious? Open to suggestions of course! 🙂
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Leah,
It’s very good to meet you too!
I think I might have been a penguin in a previous life, because I hate the cold with a fury of a dozen lifetimes. If anything, I’m like those penguins who live in the tropics! hahaha